[cut: only the first 33554432 bytes of this file were read]
<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<posts>
  <row Id="1" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:23:39.670" Score="38" ViewCount="8165" Body="&lt;p&gt;Currently, as part of my work, I come into proximity with a lot of people (via getting food, to being at some company-wide meeting, or just at a mutual work friend's party), some of whom I do not like (as in, I do not like what their personality is like, so, it's not something they can actively change) and try actively to avoid, making sure to stay away from locations they're in and placing myself in environments which I know he will prefer to avoid (such as being with friends or in a location he never visits). However, owing to my work, from time to time I do encounter him, and he often asks the question, &quot;Is everything okay, are you avoiding me?&quot; (or questions to that effect).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to seem polite, I tell him that it's just coincidence we haven't seen each other for a while and that I've just been busy elsewhere for the time. Is this the correct approach? Or should I try to tell him that I am avoiding him or break it to him some other way that I do not enjoy his company?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(A bit more background:  I do not have to work with this person on a regular basis, and he is not a massive inconvenience to avoid, but when I do see/meet him it is awkward to try and think of a way out of this situation. I, myself, can get easily agitated by certain people and feel a lot of discomfort in their presence. It's not necessary for me to see him at all, but he feels as though we need to (no idea why, he just does). I'm a polite person, and hate deliberately causing someone discomfort, which is probably why I haven't shut him down since his first attempts to strike up conversation with me. We first talked after one party, and as I grew to know him more I found that I actually disliked his personality more and more.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T21:14:33.793" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T21:14:33.793" Title="How to deal with avoiding someone I don't like" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:25:17.937" Score="17" ViewCount="2382" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yesterday when I left my office, I bumped into a drunk person while walking. I didn't notice him, since I was walking while checking my WhatsApp messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, since he was drunk, he started behaving very badly and I couldn't handle the situation politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I escaped from there, because if I had spent more time there, I would have probably hit or kicked him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I handle such a person in public?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T01:55:52.877" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T07:31:02.030" Title="How to handle accidentally bumping into a drunk person while walking?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;drunken-people&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:28:27.713" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you get into an altercation with someone who's drunk, simply &lt;strong&gt;running away&lt;/strong&gt; is always a possibility. Drunk people can't run fast, so they won't be able to catch you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discretion is the better part of valour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="25" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T17:28:27.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="202" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:29:06.940" Score="105" ViewCount="20528" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often face the problem of forgetting the name of a person who I last met a while ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can lead to an awkward situation when asking what their name is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I elicit them to say their name, &lt;strong&gt;without letting them know that I've forgotten&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:46:23.590" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T20:09:23.383" Title="How can I get someone to say their first name without letting on that I've forgotten?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;memory&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="18" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:29:39.173" Score="13" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this the correct approach?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my point of view, it is the right thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you directly tell him that you don't like him or you want to avoid him, the relation will be finished forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you handle the situation like as you do now, in future, if you are in need of any kind of help from him, you can easily ask it without any issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping relationship is an important thing even with the people you didn't like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T17:29:39.173" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="21" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:30:02.927" Score="21" ViewCount="3102" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many times we try to blend in with some friend's friends. However, being accepted into that group of friends is not so simple, for a few reasons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While hanging around that group does allow someone to familiarize with the group and also creates introductions, it does not mean that one is fully integrated into the group. It is not the same as being an active member of the group. Personally, I noticed that I don't get invited to their meetups, unless I specifically ask to join, which isn't the case for most of the members of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This specific group of friends is not a diverse one. There is a very leveled plain in terms of background.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to make the rest of the group of friends more at ease with me, and possibly accept me into their group? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More specifically, what should I do so that they would invite me to meet-ups?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;This is adapted from an example question, and it is also something I am personally trying to learn.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10" LastEditorUserId="10" LastEditDate="2017-07-03T10:58:47.380" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T17:50:14.873" Title="Joining an existing group of friends" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:31:11.270" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Physical violence is never a good solution. If it's justifiable, it will be because you needed to defend yourself and nothing more. With a drunk, that may be as simple as grabbing him by his shoulders and making him sit down -- on a chair or on the ground without injuring him. Then simply leave right away, or put yourself in a position where others can assist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking to someone who has his inhibitions reduced may not be productive. If he is listening to you, then fine. If not, talking will not work and you may need to, once again, put distance between him and yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be polite but firm, if he is listening. Finish what you have to say then, then exit this uncomfortable situation when you get the chance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T17:31:11.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:32:29.123" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could ask them directly, by saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I have a terrible memory. Remind me one more time of your name?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if you actually have a good memory and you're pedantic, maybe something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I know I should remember your name, but it's just escaped me for a moment. Could you remind me once more?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really don't want to let them know you forgot, you could try to engineer a situation where they introduce themselves to someone else in front of you, so that you hear their name without having to ask them. (But make sure &lt;em&gt;you're&lt;/em&gt; not the one expected to introduce them to each other.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="25" LastEditorUserId="25" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T18:00:17.897" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T18:00:17.897" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:32:32.427" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is this person &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; a colleague?  From your post, it reads as though he's taking your masked avoidance a bit personally, which is odd for someone who you only work in the same office with.  It's possible he's interested in being friends or more with you and has maybe read too much into whatever previous interactions you have had - especially if you're a woman who is very polite/friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming he is truly only a colleague (and that you don't need anything from him professionally), you might consider the next time you run into him, and he asks if you've been avoiding him, pointing out that it makes you uncomfortable that he keeps asking you about why he doesn't see you more often. Sending the message that you come to the office to work and not to socialize should get him to at the very least stop asking why you don't run into each other more often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:36:40.123" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:36:40.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="58" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:33:09.793" Score="-1" ViewCount="1696" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was walking down the street, when a rushing older man just barged into me.&#xA;He very politely excused himself for that. So I wanted to accept that excuse, but since he could have prevented it from my point of view, I didn't want to express anything along the lines &quot;It is OK&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how can I accept an excuse by a stranger in a public setup, without actually expressing that there has not been any problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T17:06:56.867" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T17:06:56.867" Title="How to react to an excuse if it wasn't &quot;Ok&quot;?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;literal-language&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-06-28T10:38:57.153" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:34:06.143" Score="65" Body="&lt;p&gt;I personally am very bad with names, and often come across this issue myself. Firstly, if you have a mutual friend, or someone else who knows the person, it's always best to ask them first, to see if they know (and can tell you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't think of anyone you know that might know their name, it might be worth trying to contact one of his friends, and asking them if they know his name, or just see if they mention it when in general conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, short of actually asking him himself, you can always try looking through social media or your phone, to see if his details are anywhere on there, even a signed note will let you know his name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if you must ask him yourself, then you should address him in an apologetic way, something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm awfully sorry but it's been a long time and I can't quite remember your name, could you remind me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T13:55:20.850" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T13:55:20.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="14" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:37:30.697" Score="11" ViewCount="1984" Body="&lt;p&gt;A colleague has returned to work after spending several months away to take care of her ill child. During this time, I took over some of her duties.  She has returned and responsibilities have returned to normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a feeling that it would be good form to ask her how her child is doing, but I'm really not interested and it probably shows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should I still ask and pretend to be interested, or is it more appropriate to not bring the subject up?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Situation in Sweden.  Asking for a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="40" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-31T21:36:06.173" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T21:36:06.173" Title="Should I ask about a colleague's obvious problem, even when I don't care much?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;grief&gt;&lt;sweden&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-08-17T11:21:42.447" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:38:37.480" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're trying unsuccessfully to avoid him without him noticing and that your goal is infeasible. I'd pick which you'd prefer: occasionally interacting with him or having him know that you're avoiding him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, he seems to suspect you're avoiding him but isn't sure, which is probably a worse situation for both of you than either of the options above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you'd prefer him to be ignorant,&lt;/strong&gt; you'll probably have to interact with him at least a bit when you coincidentally meet. It's fine to limit that interaction to what's professional: hello, goodbye, not offering or requesting much detail in small talk. Being courteous but not welcoming will probably discourage him from spending extra time near you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're willing to let him know you're avoiding him,&lt;/strong&gt; you have one very difficult interaction ahead of you. I think honesty may help. Tell him that you feel like his personality clashes with yours and that you get stressed talking to him. You don't need to explain why. It won't be easy, but I suspect it'll be better than you worrying about whether he's constantly trying to confront you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:36:19.303" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:36:19.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="16" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="54" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:38:40.130" Score="25" ViewCount="2141" Body="&lt;p&gt;I ask this question from a European country; consider your answers this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are unable to differentiate serious talking, jokes, and irony or sarcasm. Specifically for the latter, as it's a very thin line between seriousness and joking (and the meaning of sarcasm and irony is also not always well-defined), how should I be aware of someone using irony and/or sarcasm?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, people can notice it &quot;in their guts&quot;, as if it was some sort of reflex. If I'm not wrong, then how can I &quot;adapt&quot; this reflex? If I'm wrong, then what should I consider?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="44" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T14:51:40.910" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T14:51:40.910" Title="How can I notice if someone is speaking with sarcasm or irony?" Tags="&lt;sarcasm&gt;&lt;irony&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="14" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="18" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:42:05.097" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It can be done in both ways but according to the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IF it is a small issue and also it was an old man, he may did it unknowingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you, instead of just &quot;it's ok&quot;, express something, he will be happy because some old people will keep things in mind for days and sometimes for months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you simply say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;It's ok&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; it may make them feel sad(sometimes. not all the times)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, it will be a good public behaviour just by smiling at him and say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;It's ok, no problem.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you don't want to express it, either didn't mind it and walk away or simply say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;It's ok&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; in a harsh voice and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T06:38:26.147" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T06:38:26.147" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="19" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:42:14.293" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of &quot;good&quot; reasons this may have happened. He may be really distracted by bad news (or good news). There are a lot of reasons that people may not be paying enough attention to their walking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice: unless you are sure it was malicious, assume he had a reason to not be paying enough attention. So politeness is definitely called for. Accept the apology. If you feel compelled to say something further, make sure it is constructive, not insulting, and not self-serving. For example: &quot;OK. We should be more careful.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T17:42:14.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="20" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:43:30.633" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;An ill child is already a bit of a landmine; she may want to avoid the topic entirely. Other people are probably asking all the time, so you don't have to worry about her having no opportunity to discuss it. &lt;strong&gt;You're fine not asking.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you care about your &lt;em&gt;colleague&lt;/em&gt; as a close coworker, consider asking her how &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; is doing. Having an ill child is a difficult situation, and she may be interested in some support from a colleague for herself without having the sympathy focused around the child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T17:43:30.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="21" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:44:21.670" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to get people to want you around is to add value to the group.  Have your own interests, hobbies, friends, etc but make it a point to listen to the people in this new group, find out what they want/need/value and then go about providing that.  It may be that one group member is working as a teapot maker - after that conversation keep a look out for any teapot related things in the news or teapot related local events.  Next time you find one send that person an email or text letting them know about the teapot thing you found and strike up a conversation.  &lt;em&gt;In short, be genuinely interested in these new people.&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People love talking about themselves, they love feeling important.  If you can incite that feeling, people will want to be around you.  You might consider reading &lt;a href=&quot;http://amzn.to/2tT4Nr4&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T17:44:21.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="24" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:47:08.660" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is just one of those things that takes time. For some people, it can take a while for someone to get used to someone new.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often, they'll want to know you better before they bring you closer in. They'll want to discover who you are a little bit - what your interests are, whether they like your personality... etc. Respect who they are, and get to know them as well, and show that you have an interest in being friends with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking, this is much more pronounced when there are significant cultural barriers, such as through language. If you can show an effort that you would respect their culture, then they might think much more of you and bring you closer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T17:47:08.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="25" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:48:02.767" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can walk with them and wherever you go for entertainment, I mean for a movie, or for a tourist spot or outing or shopping, you can call one or two of the group. When someone calls you, just go with them (avoid family trips).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to make a good relationship in the friends group, they should think that you are always with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T17:50:14.873" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T17:50:14.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="26" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="66" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:48:28.897" Score="12" ViewCount="2173" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to work in Downtown Orlando, which is notorious for its amount of people walking the streets no matter if it's day or night. I worked Downtown for about six months, and I started to notice the people who were peddling every day, as well as people who were truly homeless sleeping outside my office building. After a while, it started to get uncomfortable walking around town on my breaks or time off. It got to a point where I couldn't even use headphones because I had to listen to the environment around me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is some clarity into one situation I was in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In one situation, a person stood right in the exit of the parking lot (one way in/out) and wouldn't move until I answered him (he was asking for money). I couldn't drive away until he moved out of the way, and I didn't want to make a big deal out of anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Also,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I am not saying one should treat the homeless in a different manner - and I find it very keen to listen to what's around me, otherwise, you're going to get hurt or something pickpocketed from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the best way to handle a difficult encounter with someone who is truly homeless - and also other situations with people who aren't homeless?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="46" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T13:49:25.563" Title="How can one handle an encounter with a beggar/homeless person?" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2017-06-28T07:05:15.533" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="29" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:51:22.050" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In those situations where I don't want express something with words, I just stay quiet (sometimes, with my eyes closed) and move my head in a affirmative way &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nod_(gesture)#To_indicate_acceptance&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;(Nod)&lt;/a&gt; = like say &quot;yes&quot; with your head&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; Not so fast &quot;as is shown in the link&quot;, but I hope you understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="50" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T17:51:22.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="30" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="40" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:51:39.920" Score="24" ViewCount="51311" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I am writing emails, I prefer to use either Mr., Mrs., or Ms. when addressing the recipient's name. When I am addressing a woman, I may not always know their marital status and don't know whether to use &quot;Mrs.&quot; or &quot;Ms.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming I have no way of knowing this person's marital status, should I use &quot;Mrs.&quot; or &quot;Ms.&quot;? Or is it a best practice to use neither?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="53" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-14T20:40:40.443" LastActivityDate="2019-05-14T20:40:40.443" Title="When should I use Mrs. or Ms. in emails?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;honorifics&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="31" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:51:56.273" Score="32" ViewCount="3641" Body="&lt;p&gt;Introverted people tend to become embarrassed either when approaching someone or when a certain topic in a conversation runs out. It is often followed by apparently &quot;losing the ability to find a new topic&quot;, resulting in silence from both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can someone prevent this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="44" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T17:01:27.690" LastActivityDate="2019-07-29T13:26:32.570" Title="What methods help to avoid &quot;that awkward silence&quot;?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;hungary&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="9" ClosedDate="2017-11-30T08:38:38.000" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="32" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="186" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:52:29.950" Score="23" ViewCount="919" Body="&lt;p&gt;I spend a lot of time interacting with people online and only a small amounts of time interacting with only a few people in real life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before the internet (&lt;em&gt;I am an older introvert&lt;/em&gt;) I did not interact with a lot of people in real life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be reasonable to expect that my new electronic interactions are improving or decreasing my abilities to interact with live people? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="51" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-18T15:35:56.117" LastActivityDate="2019-01-18T15:35:56.117" Title="Will interacting on an electronic forum, tend to improve or deteriorate my real life interpersonal skills?" Tags="&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2019-01-18T19:34:24.530" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="33" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:52:48.630" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no reason not to be polite, and you don't lose anything by saying &quot;it's OK&quot;. This isn't some kind of enemy who might attack you if you show signs of weakness; it's just a guy on the street, so why not just accept his apology and make him feel better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, if you're in Britain, go even further and apologise right back to him, even if it wasn't your fault. (I realise this might be considered strange or excessively polite in other cultures, but you haven't stated in your question where this happened, and I include it anyway to show you just how far some cultures will go in being polite even when it isn't strictly 'deserved'.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="25" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T17:52:48.630" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="34" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="30" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:53:18.980" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I write emails to women, I generally just use their first name, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good afternoon Myra,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was good speaking with you today ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if I know if the person is married or not, I would write the prefix necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As well - in the general scope, I think it's acceptable these days to address someone by their first name if you know them or have just met them. Using &lt;em&gt;Mr&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;Mrs&lt;/em&gt; is great, but these days would be added flair. Respect has changed from years past. I think it's better to address people by their name, it let the people know that you took the time to remember who they were at face value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="46" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T19:32:08.010" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="36" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="43" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:55:21.603" Score="8" ViewCount="874" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I get myself in situations where I'm introduced to a group and we are going to spend a limited amount of time together, such as a party. While some people and/or groups are incredibly open and receptive, some don't really care to make you comfortable or to let you into their group. Often the conversations are inside topics and jokes and there are rare interactions with me, making me feel ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not interested in make new friends. Most times I have a friend in common, or I'm new in a quick course, or spending a weekend with wife's work colleagues. I just want to go through one night, day or weekend..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make the time go faster and less painfully?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="45" LastEditorUserId="45" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T13:26:19.583" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T02:51:12.280" Title="How to handle limited time with an unwelcoming group" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="37" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="31" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:56:13.283" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reading this question an old adage came to mind: Always leave them wanting more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to avoid the bit when the conversation runs out of steam is to leave when the conversation is at its peak. Imagine this: you're chatting with a co-worker about widgets, you're both very interested in widgets and the conversation is easy and fun. After a few minutes of good conversation, you excuse yourself saying you have a meeting, and would love to continue chatting later. Your coworker walks away thinking it was a great conversation and can't wait to chat with you again. In this example, you're sacrificing a few more minutes of good conversation to avoid the awkward silence when you both run out of things to say.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in a situation where it will be difficult to walk away - i.e. on a train or waiting in line for something. You might consider wearing headphones, sunglasses, or another accessory which will make you appear less approachable. Even if you aren't listening to anything, headphones specifically will work well for sending the message that you aren't interested in chatting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:28:09.580" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:28:09.580" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="39" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="32" CreationDate="2017-06-27T17:57:40.697" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It should improve them, in my opinion. This is because: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Any interactions means you are interacting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Collecting your thoughts and feelings in written format should keep those instincts working for you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thoughtfulness on your part may lead to live interactions later (like getting invited to a birthday party).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will not help completely. Just start interacting with people live. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Go to the park with your dog, and hope that other dogs -- and their owners -- interact with you. This is the real way to try to overcome your (our) introvertedness. We need to keep interacting with people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T17:57:40.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="40" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="30" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:01:50.137" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Ms.&quot; was popularized in the US to provide a form of address for women that is agnostic of married status. &quot;Miss&quot; means the person is unmarried and &quot;Mrs.&quot; means that she is married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Ms.&quot; is generally considered acceptable for all women&lt;/strong&gt; unless they have communicated another preference or have a more specialized title like &quot;Dr.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastEditorUserId="17" LastEditDate="2019-05-14T20:30:18.337" LastActivityDate="2019-05-14T20:30:18.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="42" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:03:51.293" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is very difficult to distinguish between sarcasm and irony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 2 things you can do is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Checking their face expression.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it seems like a smile or laugh-at or similar expression, mostly it is a sarcasm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Check the words they used.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, we can't predict it with 100% conformance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T18:03:51.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="43" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="36" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:05:17.823" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have to be there, then make the best of it. What I mean is keep following the conversation until you have a chance to contribute to it. Hopefully, it won't be inside topics the whole time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the group is large enough, find one or two of them and just try to strike up a conversation that you can participate in. If they are receptive at all, they will take the cue and start to include you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this does not work after trying this several times, then you may have to consider the grim reality that you are &quot;politely&quot; being told that they do not intend to include you. Find a reason to leave like going to the bathroom. Then find your way to somewhere where you will &quot;be appreciated&quot;. It's their issue, not yours. So make the best of it and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T18:05:17.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="49" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="32" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:12:24.497" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I personally am very active on an online forum (not this one) and say it can be both good and bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's good because it helps you practise talking and interacting with lots of different people. You will meet people of every type and learning how to talk and interact with them is a valuable tool in the real world when meeting new people. In addition you can learn how to be better as a person, maybe getting advice off others you meet online and using them to your advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However it's not all good, you can spend time working on flourishing your online relationships while neglecting your real ones and causing them to wither away. If you focus more on a few people online, then you can drift away from some real life ones too. Friends in the real world are a lot harder to gain and keep than the ones online, so the consequences of losing one can be severe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Provided you keep your priorities straight, you should be fine in an online world, but always be careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T19:29:44.540" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T19:29:44.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="52" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="32" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:17:24.183" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;For our purposes, there are three states of interaction:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Interacting with people in a live environment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Interacting with people in a virtual (e.g. online) environment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Little or no interaction with people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the sound of it, you have gone from state 3 to state 2. For an introvert, that represents &quot;progress&quot; because you are adding virtual interaction to your total interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For an extrovert, that may represent &quot;decline&quot; if s/he is &lt;em&gt;substituting&lt;/em&gt; online for live interaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T18:17:24.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="54" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:17:31.780" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person who's relatively socially confident, here's the &quot;gut process&quot; it feels like I go through:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tone of voice and expression&lt;/strong&gt;: Is the person speaking in an exaggerated tone or rhythm that is different from how they normally talk but doesn't seem to indicate anger? Is their face especially animated? Do they seem to be pausing as if they expect a laugh?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Plausibility of statement&lt;/strong&gt;: Does what they say make sense if taken literally? If someone says something which is factually wrong or doesn't make sense given the context of the conversation, irony is likely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personality match&lt;/strong&gt;: Is this the sort of thing this person would say without irony? Does it match your existing understanding of how they think and talk?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one of these comes up, you consider the situation, and it's still unclear, there's no shame in asking something like, &quot;I have trouble telling these things: was that irony?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T18:17:31.780" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="55" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="31" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:19:37.937" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Silence isn't always &quot;awkward.&quot; Sometimes a conversation has reached a natural end and needs a &quot;break.&quot; Sometimes, a person will reasonably pause to think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However if you want to break the silence, have a &quot;reserve&quot; topic of conversation at hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-15T10:58:06.453" LastActivityDate="2018-04-15T10:58:06.453" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="56" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:19:46.217" Score="11" ViewCount="2214" Body="&lt;p&gt;I scolded a fellow college student of mine based on a misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later on I realised it wasn't his mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since we kept a not-bad friendship for more than 3 years, I would like to solve the issue and apologise to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I do that? I feel reluctant to face him because I scolded him severely and he seemed very upset by it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T06:36:24.730" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T20:40:37.160" Title="How to apologize to a person whom I scolded, long after the fact?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="58" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:21:02.173" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;It's ok&quot; doesn't mean &quot;I don't care if people smash into me on the street.&quot; It means &quot;I accept your apology and will not continue to hold this against you.&quot; Since you are going to walk away and never think of this person again, it's pretty accurate and appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's someone you will see again, and you think they were careless and should know you're not ok with it, you can say something like &quot;I'm sure you didn't mean to, but it really did startle me. Please be more careful in the future.&quot; This is best if the person is a peer or you are above them. It's rude to someone above you. It's just pointless to a stranger on the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T01:55:40.690" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T01:55:40.690" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="59" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="26" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:21:33.040" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may not have to be difficult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were homeless and forced to ask for assistance, how would you want to be treated by someone walking by. Answer the question for yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on that answer, now answer the question of what you can do (if anything) to help this person when you are the guy that is walking by. If you have an honest answer to this question, then it is no longer &quot;difficult&quot;. Do what you can consistent with the answer you come up with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the regular peddlers who are not actually homeless, have an answer for that too: ignore it, simply move on, give him advice, whatever. But do not confuse this person with someone who is down on his luck and desperately needs a helping hand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T18:21:33.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="63" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="255" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:26:10.240" Score="39" ViewCount="4472" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirroring_(psychology)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Mirroring&lt;/a&gt; is mimicking the body language of the person you are talking to. It is sometimes recommended for people to help &quot;break the ice.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But how does it create a positive impression? What do studies indicate about the likely reaction of the person who is being &quot;mirrored?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T12:41:30.490" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T12:41:30.490" Title="What impact does &quot;mirroring&quot; have on other people?" Tags="&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;&lt;academic-research&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="64" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:26:32.763" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Friend groups are collections of people who know each other and are on good terms with one another. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These groups vary in size and style, and these factors are defined as the group forms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Members of friend groups influence one another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10" LastEditorUserId="10" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T22:49:30.517" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:49:30.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="65" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:26:32.763" Score="0" Body="Questions related to interpersonal skills in a friend group. Use this tag to ask about various skills that are commonly needed in a group of friends." OwnerUserId="10" LastEditorUserId="10" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T22:49:15.883" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:49:15.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="66" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="26" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:27:22.407" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they're people that you see on a regular basis, and keep in mind that they're still people, try to set boundaries that you're comfortable with like you would with anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've​ had some practice working at a local food pantry and soup kitchen. Most people who are homeless aren't bad people, they've just had rough lives. If you can extend a little humanity they'll tend to respond in kind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simple things like remembering names, or asking how their day was can go a long way towards making interactions a little more natural. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a tendency for people to develop an us vs them mentality in these situations because believe it or not both parties are often feeling uncomfortable and suspicious. The person asking for food or money usually doesn't like doing it anymore than you like hearing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as I said before if you can extend a little humanity, remember a name, and be kind for a moment, you'll probably start to see them as your neighbors, maybe even as friends and they'll start to see you that way as well. Once a neighborly relationship has formed a lot of issues simply aren't issues anymore. You may even find that they stick up for you when hustlers give you trouble or other people aren't being respectful of your property. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, like in any interpersonal relationship, boundaries are important. If you don't have anything to share on a particular day don't be afraid to say so, but still remember that you're talking to a person, be assertive, but be kind. In my experience taking a moment to get to know people makes this easier and they'll respond much better as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To use the specific situation in your question...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that this person is desperate and has been ignored by most of society for a while and so they're lashing out. Take a moment to imagine how it feels when you're hungry and most people won't even look at you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this specific instance I would probably offer them a dollar or two, take a moment to chat, ask their name and so on, but also gently tell them that while I understand their frustration, most people would probably have called the police. It's kind of a nicer way to say &quot;I'll help you out this time, but don't do this again.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T18:45:12.893" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T18:45:12.893" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="67" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="56" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:28:09.440" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be honest.  You made a mistake, acted in a way you're now embarrassed of, and want to patch things up.  You'd be surprised how far a bit of humility will go in these situations.  If you've been acquaintances for 3 years this other guy likely knows you well enough to see that you're genuinely apologetic for behaving the way you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if things don't get immediately back to normal, if your acquaintance is an even tempered person and all you did was at worst yell at him he will likely want to patch things up as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12" LastEditorUserId="12" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T18:30:13.670" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T18:30:13.670" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="69" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="56" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:30:16.893" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would first contact him in a nonconfrontational way: email, text message, or some other method where he doesn't have to immediately respond or worry that you're going to scold him again. Say something like, &quot;I want to apologize; can we talk?&quot; Offer circumstances as if you were setting a date or a meeting: &quot;We can get coffee on Thursday or Friday&quot; or even &quot;I can meet you outside the dining hall after Biology.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you meet: admit fault, say how you feel, clearly apologize, and request forgiveness. An example might be, &quot;I misunderstood something and scolded you. Now I feel embarrassed. I'm sorry for doing that. Can we put it behind us?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It'll be a difficult conversation to have. He might not accept your apology or be willing to forgive you. If he doesn't, that's fine. You can't force him to overlook your mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T18:30:16.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="71" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:34:42.083" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;An apology is a message (conversation, or other means of communication) which convey regret of actions which have caused discomfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apologizing is sometimes harder than one would think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10" LastEditorUserId="10" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T22:50:41.897" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:50:41.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="72" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:34:42.083" Score="0" Body="Questions related to apologizing about something, and the different ways to apologize." OwnerUserId="10" LastEditorUserId="10" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T22:48:12.267" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:48:12.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="74" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="150" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:37:31.530" Score="24" ViewCount="6287" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a few weeks time, a friend from the Netherlands is coming over to spend a week with me in the UK. She is female (and I am male), we are both the same age, and are friends (there's nothing special between us). We have known each other for nearly a year now, and I am nervous as to how to handle meeting her. Is there a certain way I should act/behave with her when we first see each other? Are there things I should do during her stay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm concerned about doing the wrong things and either appearing weird or to be too romantic (which I'd rather not do) but also not having loads of awkward silences during the meet up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More context on our friendship: we have never met in person before, however, we frequently video call each other and play various online games, enjoying each other's company and also supporting each other often in times of need. We message all the time across various platforms and are extremely close friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T15:02:01.807" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T15:02:01.807" Title="What to do when meeting an online friend in real life for the first time?" Tags="&lt;online-relationships&gt;&lt;first-impressions&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2019-07-08T04:40:57.360" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="77" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="74" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:43:57.457" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you are online friends for more than a year and do video calls, you shouldn't be getting nervous when going to meet her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Act as you were friends in real life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is according to the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you act nervous, she may not like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, act as a normal person and act as both of you have been friends in real life for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T19:50:27.753" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:50:27.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="79" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:49:10.237" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it is an unusual or hard-to-pronounce name, I would just ask, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do you say your name again? I want to make sure I've gotten it right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a common name, I would try to associate with someone or something that I already know. A &quot;common&quot; name makes it easier to make these associations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails, use Kaz' suggestion, apologize and say something like, &quot;I'm sorry, I think I've forgotten your name.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:48:46.230" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:48:46.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="80" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="74" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:49:37.247" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you've spent a lot of time talking to each other online, you'll probably have shared jokes or 'memes' which you've used to each other a lot and which make you both laugh. Try using them in real life - it's a &lt;strong&gt;shared common ground&lt;/strong&gt; which will help you feel more comfortable with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I have an online friend who helped to introduce me to the hilarity of Monty Python, and there are several sketches which we frequently quote to each other. If/when we meet in real life, any awkwardness between us may be dispersed by saying something like &quot;I've told you once&quot; or &quot;Good night a-ding-ding-ding-ding&quot;, which usually makes us laugh when we say it in chatrooms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't think of any good &lt;em&gt;jokes&lt;/em&gt; which you both enjoy together, any piece of shared history might have a similar effect. Say &quot;remember that time when we talked about ... ?&quot; You mention that you've supported each other often in times of need; that suggests you probably share secrets together which a lot of other people don't know. Talk about some of that stuff, to remind yourselves of how much you have in common, and of how well you actually know each other even if you've never &lt;em&gt;met&lt;/em&gt; before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="25" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T18:49:37.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="82" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:51:40.567" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I do not remember someone's name after the first time that we met then I introduce myself to them the next time that we are in a speaking situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After only meeting someone once or a couple times, it is normal to forget someone's name and more often than not the other party will be appreciative that they do not have to ask and then voluntarily give you their name as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:49:42.033" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:49:42.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="83" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="104" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:54:24.847" Score="14" ViewCount="6425" Body="&lt;p&gt;I send a lot of emails - some important and some not. I often get replies for the important ones promptly, but the less important ones can often be forgotten.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand this - I'm sure I do the same sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This specific case is me emailing a local politician. We spoke at an open village meeting and I emailed to ask for clarification about something he said. He hasn't replied. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I need an answer, how should I follow up? I will sometimes forward the email I sent onto them again, with a short message like &lt;em&gt;&quot;Hi, did you get a chance to take a look at this&quot;&lt;/em&gt; - and then it's obvious I've been waiting. Is this too passive aggressive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="30" LastEditorUserId="30" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T08:55:35.667" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T12:59:31.253" Title="What is the politest way to follow up on an ignored email?" Tags="&lt;email&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="84" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="30" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:55:11.000" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I am addressing a woman, I may not always know their marital status and don't know whether to use &quot;Mrs.&quot; or &quot;Ms.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know their marital status, you should use &quot;Ms&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it is acceptable by all women. But &quot;Mrs&quot; is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T19:31:28.767" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T19:31:28.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="85" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="97" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:56:19.543" Score="15" ViewCount="14511" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most times, when I am thanked - I respond using &lt;strong&gt;no problem&lt;/strong&gt; rather than saying &lt;strong&gt;you're welcome&lt;/strong&gt;. I find it more habitual for me to say the former than the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of a societal standpoint, are there people out there who prefer one of the two answers? When is it best to say one answer over the other? Or is it just likable using both terms - or does the terms go better with certain situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="46" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T12:24:22.887" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T12:24:22.887" Title="When is it more suitable to say &quot;no problem&quot; versus &quot;you're welcome&quot;?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-02-21T13:59:57.577" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="86" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="100" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:57:16.933" Score="20" ViewCount="2867" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've always had a short fuse. I've been quick to rise and lose my temper, but on the flip side I'm quick to get over it when others lose their cool. The problem is that others usually are not, especially if they are on the receiving end of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a short temper and saying things in anger is the number one cause of the relationship difficulties in my life, and it's caused more problems and heart ache than I could possibly set out to achieve if I was consciously trying to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly, it can happen with family or close friends, when somehow a discussion leads to someone making an insult towards me (which I don't tolerate well) and from there it can escalate. There are definitely certain topics that will frequently lead to these types of escalations, as well as when I don't want to discuss something and the person persists. It can also happen when the other person argues with me - about who I am or my motive for saying or doing something - and their opinion is negative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have great difficulty expressing my irritation without it escalating between the other person and myself to a point I do not manage well emotionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to help circumvent or prevent my anger building to a point I lose my temper and say things I regret? What skills can I use to exit the discussion gracefully to find space to calm?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T17:40:34.687" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T17:40:34.687" Title="Managing a bad temper in close relationships" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="87" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T18:59:45.280" Score="18" ViewCount="1068" Body="&lt;p&gt;I lost many of my friendships when I completed my high school and joined college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It happened more than 4 years ago. Now I would like to continue the friendship with few friends (say 2 to 3).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have their mobile number as well as whatsapp number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should be the first step I have to take?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Calling or messaging? Also how to handle the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:22:51.843" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T19:22:51.843" Title="How to continue a friendship, which was lost years ago" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-08-07T05:22:00.743" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="90" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:04:10.567" Score="37" ViewCount="2953" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an adult, autistic student who I have tutored weekly in programming since about November. His parents would like this tutoring to result in him being able to work as an entry-level programmer, but I have been slowly coming to the conclusion that this may never be viable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have reached summer break in the schools, and I would like to have a meeting with the parents and discuss options with them.  However, I am unsure how to approach such a meeting. They are already more than aware of his challenges, broadly speaking, and I don't relish the opportunity to close yet another door. They seem, to me, desperate to find somewhere that he can become productively employed.  They have been unable to turn him into a highly productive worker at their own restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is very affable, however, and highly social. He is also pretty good at calculating in his head.  (Don't read too much into this. He is not a savant, he is just a little faster than I am.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that he would be better suited to a more hands-on task, such as bagging groceries or stocking shelves.  Partly, I believe this because it focuses on his interests directly. He has an acute memory for prices and locations of items in stores. He will regularly come in and tell me about an item that has been moved to a store that I've never gone to, or the name of the night manager (who he has never met, but has been named on a sign), a change in the open hours of a local pharmacy, or the price of gas at the different stations in town.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have worked very hard this year to make progress with the student, but at this point, I do not think they should waste further money on my tutoring services because I do not think he is being well served by these lessons. How can I approach the parents in a way that would be productive and kind, and how can I prevent offense?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T22:51:39.687" LastActivityDate="2019-02-28T14:13:14.020" Title="Talking to the parents of an adult autistic student" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="91" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="87" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:05:20.673" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would give them a message on WhatsApp (or your app of choice) - and handle the situation like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey [name of friend], what's going on? It's been a while! Do you have time to grab lunch or coffee? I would like to catch up with you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But of course, this all depends on your past relationship with the person you want to reconnect with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your situation - I would change the above approach to something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey there! [or the opening you're comfortable with]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been awhile! How is school going for you? Would you like to get lunch sometime? I have so much to tell you and catch up on!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you would give a short snippet into how things were going in your life between then and now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="46" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:13:56.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="92" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:05:31.993" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there is someone else and you know that someone, you can ask him/her if he didn't catch the name (or better if he's not aware of it for a longer time).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility is to look the person up, for example on social networks, but you need to know something about him. For example, if you met him/her at the wedding, he is probably a friend of at least one of the newly-weds. If it is on working party he probably works in the same company as you. Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you can ask directly the person whose name you forget, but there is always some risk that he/she will be disappointed or mad at you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="81" LastEditorUserId="81" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T19:15:46.077" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T19:15:46.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="94" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="86" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:09:06.530" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is a thing which your mind can't control simply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also it is common for people in your age group(I know your age coz we celebrated your birthday).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But things you should care is once you said a word as a result of bad anger, you can say sorry later but it is very hard for that person to forget.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went through many such situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Self control&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is the main thing you can do. whatever it is, try to be calm as much as possible. If there is no way you, then only you should express your anger on such scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also try to warn people about your bad anger by saying that &lt;em&gt;Please don't provoke me. It won't be good for both of us&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:09:06.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="96" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="87" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:12:59.953" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say &lt;strong&gt;message instead of calling&lt;/strong&gt;, so that they can respond at their leisure rather than being 'put on the spot' so to speak. (But I personally dislike talking on the phone, so I'm definitely biased here.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just drop them a casual message, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [name], how are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages! Want to meet up some time and do some catching up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they don't respond, you can probably assume they're not interested in hanging out with you any more. (Unless they've always been forgetful and prone to not responding to messages, in which case you could try another time or two.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you do meet up with them and hang out for a bit, just see how it goes. If you both still enjoy spending time together and feel like you get on well, then it's worth trying to continue the friendship properly. As you part, say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's been great to see you again! Let's do this again some time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it feels awkward or like you've lost whatever bond you used to have, then it might not be worth trying to continue the friendship, unless you had a &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; close bond before which you feel you can reignite (sorry for the mixed metaphor). You could then say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's been good to see you again - let's keep in touch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you don't commit to spending more time with them, but you're still being polite and keeping your options open (and not offending them if they're still keen to hang out with you).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="25" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:12:59.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="97" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="85" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:14:06.853" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Most times, when I am thanked - I respond using no problem &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;No problem&lt;/em&gt; is more suitable in situations where someone says &lt;em&gt;sorry&lt;/em&gt; to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They made a mistake, which you didn't like, and if they said &lt;em&gt;sorry&lt;/em&gt;, you can say &lt;em&gt;no problem&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone is thanking you for something, you can say &lt;em&gt;you're welcome&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="372" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T09:06:33.843" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T09:06:33.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="98" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="83" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:14:35.097" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It might depend on the recipient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a friend or family member your option is very probably good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For an acquaintance maybe &quot;just wanted to bump this to your attention&quot; or &quot;just a friendly reminder&quot; or something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a senior colleague something more formal could be good like &quot;I'm sure you're busy but I would really appreciate your input on this.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, use a group message so nobody feels targeted. &quot;Hey everyone, looking forward to this Saturday, let me know your plans if you didn't already!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="84" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:14:35.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="99" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="114" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:16:29.403" Score="23" ViewCount="6130" Body="&lt;p&gt;It often happens to me, that I met some friend in the bus/tram/subway etc., but my friend is not alone, but with his/her friend (whom I don't know at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are talking about something, my friend knows both of us, so there is no problem.&#xA;Then my friend gets off the vehicle and only this &quot;stranger&quot; and I remain. If we stop talking, it is awkward. &#xA;But we don't know anything about each other (sometimes not even the name). We probably won't see each other ever again, and we would probably enjoy reading a book or playing with our smartphones much more than talking to each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What to do in such situation? What to talk about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I am from Middle Europe country. A city with good public transportation, three subway routes, a lot of buses and trams.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="81" LastEditorUserId="81" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T19:19:02.343" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T15:47:58.543" Title="What to talk about with a person you meet through a mutual friend on the bus?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-08-29T14:28:37.360" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="86" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:18:59.177" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;One strategy for coping with these kinds of issues is &lt;em&gt;meta-talk&lt;/em&gt;.  Much like SE sites each have an associated meta site, take a moment when you and the other person are both calm, and talk about how you argue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can apologize for getting out of control when you argue, and you can express everything that you just said: you are fast to anger, but also fast to cool.  You hate that you do this, but don't know how to control it.  You are so very sorry for the hurt that you have caused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you're in this meta discussion, you can try to discuss, or even actively set up, signals.  For instance, you might set up a signal to say, &quot;I am becoming angry, and I'm not sure how to control myself right now.  Are you in any condition to help?&quot;  You might also set up a &quot;time-out&quot; signal, where each of you will go to a different room for 3 minutes and try to calm down before resuming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be aware that, even if you set up these kinds of signals, no one is ever responsible to you for following them. They are tools that we set up to try to cool the situation when they get hot, but they are not fail-safes.  However, in the long run, a reflective meta conversation in the hours or days following hot arguments will do more to keep things in check than any other single technique I am aware of.  These conversations allow you to check in, figure out new approaches, see where things went wrong, and assure your loved ones that you still love them.  They also provide a sense of safety to both parties in that they reaffirm that &lt;em&gt;we are in this together, even if we mess up from time to time, we are still really on the same side.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anger is a tough nut to crack, but I'm proud of you for acknowledging it and trying to face up to it.  Good luck, friend!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:18:59.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="86" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:21:17.610" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;One skill that I learned is an age old strategy. It is used in politics a lot and can be adapted to each person. It is the strategy of counting to three/five/ten before responding. This can actually have a huge effect on the anger and flow of a conversation. In order to make this successful you first need to be able to recognize yourself getting angry. If you know you are angry then counting to 3 or more is almost imperative. It focuses you down and makes you really second guess if your insults are worth it. The five second pause seems like an eternity in the moment and if the insult was passing it really does help calm you down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some other things are you may want to do instead of an insult back to the person is to bring it to their attention that you feel insulted by what they say. Generally people don't want to hurt others and probably don't even realize they hurt you as much as they did. It is usually better for both of you to ask why they made the comment or bring up that it insults you rather than slinging insults back. Of course this can have the opposite effect you want depending on the person, and they could let loose a lot of pent-up frustrations with you if you start to pry into their comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing I'll mention is you may want to reduce stressors in your environment. Practice yoga, learn stress management techniques, and maybe even go so far as to see a therapist about your anger issues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="79" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T09:43:57.460" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T09:43:57.460" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="83" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:21:19.627" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think it's passive aggressive at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a friendly reminder such as &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, when you get a chance, can you take a look at this? Not sure if you saw this or not. Thanks.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Or however your writing style goes, that is appropriate for the situation.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything that isn't judgmental. Make sure that you include some inkling about what the original thing is about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking, do it for when you need a response. If it's something like, &quot;hey, do you want to do something for lunch?&quot; sending another email may not be appropriate. If it's something urgent, or someone that you need to make sure they see right away, then it's time to actually interact with them, such as sending them a phone call (e.g. a work issue).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16" LastEditorUserId="16" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T12:59:31.253" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T12:59:31.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="99" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:30:59.317" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is purely situational depending on if the &quot;stranger&quot; actually keeps your interest or not after your friend has left the bus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In situations where you &lt;strong&gt;are interested&lt;/strong&gt; - I would keep the conversation going by what was being spoken about before, as it could branch into deeper topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in situations where you &lt;strong&gt;are not interested&lt;/strong&gt; - after your friend  has left the bus, I would say &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, I have to catch up on some personal business/stuff for work. But it was nice talking with you earlier.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="46" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:30:59.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="107" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:31:46.867" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some interpersonal situations involve a degree of awkwardness, and sometimes this awkwardness can lead to problems. This tag is for questions where the aim is to avoid potential awkwardness, achieve some goal in spite of awkwardness, or do something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:45:59.587" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:45:59.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="108" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:31:46.867" Score="0" Body="For questions about situations which are awkward for anyone concerned. This tag should be used when awkwardness is the key part of the problem." OwnerUserId="81" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:45:59.587" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:45:59.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="86" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:31:56.133" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Self-empathy&lt;/strong&gt; is a very useful skill. It sounds like you recognize when you get angry and the sort of things that can trigger it. It may be helpful to practice recognizing those feelings in the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometime when you're &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; angry, speak to your loved ones and say that you're working on your temper and ask if they're willing to let you step out of a conversation entirely if you start to get mad. Hopefully they'll say yes (if they say no, then there may be deeper problems between you and that person). Then you know that the person won't be surprised if you get tense and say, &quot;I need to take a break.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that it's wrong for someone to force you into a conversation. Anyone who respects you as a person should be willing to give you a chance to discuss things calmly instead of consumed by anger. If it's an important discussion to have, it's important to have it in a productive context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:31:56.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="110" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:32:26.013" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Work environment talks about the environment of a job, whether it's in the office or in field work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can also be about interactions in the workplace between colleagues, senior colleagues, or even with customers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't use this tag just because something happened in an office. If it is specifically related to the workplace atmosphere, then use this tag. Should be used in the same context as the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/party&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;party&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;party&lt;/a&gt; tag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-10T17:16:28.650" LastActivityDate="2019-05-10T17:16:28.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="111" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:32:26.013" Score="0" Body="Use this tag if the question is related to the work environment, such as an issue with your boss, your coworkers, or someone you have authority over." OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="17" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:26:47.140" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:26:47.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="112" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:34:16.473" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A family is a group of people who are related to each other either biologically or legally through a marriage. Sometimes family titles are bestowed honorarily on very close friends (for example, a child my call a close friend of their parents &quot;aunt&quot; or &quot;uncle&quot; despite not being related by blood). There are two classifications for people who are related legally through a marriage. Relatives of one's spouse are considered family &quot;in-law&quot;. For a person who has married, the spouse's children from a previous relationship are referred to as &quot;step children&quot; (and the person would be a step parent to those children). For a child whose parent has married someone who is not their biological parent, the step parent's relatives are also called step relatives (step grandparent, step cousin, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used for any issues related to family or families whether it is the questioner's family or someone else's family. It can be used for questions relating to gatherings for families. This tag encompasses all familial relations (biological, step, in-law, honorary).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples of Family Members Include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Parents&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Siblings&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cousins&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Aunts/Uncles&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Descendants&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should be used with another descriptive tag for context e.g. &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/conflicts&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;conflicts&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;conflicts&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/trust&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;trust&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;trust&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-24T16:37:52.830" LastActivityDate="2019-05-24T16:37:52.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="113" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:34:16.473" Score="0" Body="For any issues related to family or families. Whether it is the questioners family or someone else's family. Can be used for questions relating to gatherings for families." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:41:22.910" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:41:22.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="99" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:36:08.937" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;The &quot;natural&quot; subject to talk about is your mutual friend. Because that is what you and the &quot;stranger&quot; have in common. It's a subject you both know something about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you've exchanged stories about &quot;how long have you known X,&quot; you'll be in a better position to judge whether or not you have anything else to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:36:08.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="31" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:39:11.777" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to continue the conversation, try to think and set another topic &lt;em&gt;(could be a similar or very different one)&lt;/em&gt; and let the conversation flows again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise &quot;I would&quot; politely end the conversation like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It was a very nice conversation we had. Waiting for a next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;or some similar in these lines.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think also: &lt;em&gt;let the other person(s) take the word&lt;/em&gt;. It is not mandatory that you guide the conversation, instead, let others speak too. This would help when more than two persons are in conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="50" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:29:27.213" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:29:27.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="117" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:42:06.430" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T19:42:06.430" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:42:06.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="118" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:42:06.430" Score="0" Body="For questions about marriages and relationship between the married couple." OwnerUserId="81" LastEditorUserId="81" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T22:48:27.143" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:48:27.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="85" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:45:08.687" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would consider &quot;no problem&quot; acceptable when someone thanks you for something and it was not a problem for either of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was actually a bother to do the thing someone thanked you for, then it's dishonest to say &quot;no problem.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is thanking you for taking care of an issue they considered serious, then &quot;no problem&quot; minimizes their feelings about the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use a similar process for &quot;you're welcome:&quot; are they actually welcome to the help? Generally speaking, &quot;you're welcome&quot; is a more generic response that's more likely to be accepted in all situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may run into the rare person who has a pet peeve about one response or the other, but there's no good way to predict that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T19:45:08.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="90" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:50:55.527" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;I should preface this by saying that I'm on the spectrum...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I admire your willingness, to be honest about the situation and I realize that this can be a very delicate conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder if you've tried to tap into your student's natural talents? I'm not sure what sort of programming you've been working in, but setting up a mock virtual store might be a way to leverage his special interest into a new domain. Basically, if you haven't tried already, some more visual frontend web work, may be more in his wheelhouse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But programming obviously isn't for everyone...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you truly feel that you've reached an impasse, then it's time to talk to the parents about it. Having been on both sides of these conversations, I would strongly recommend that you avoid the bagging groceries angle. It would be very easy for the parents to misconstrue that... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on what you're observing, where is your student struggling, where are they doing well?  Try to be balanced and honest about what you're seeing. Be honest that you feel they're probably spending a little more for your services than they might need to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said your student is an adult. That tells me that the parents have had an awful lot of these conversations over the years. IEP (individualized education plan) meetings are their own circle of hell.  They'll probably appreciate it if you're honest, direct, and brief. Take the time to really listen to any feedback they have to offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line. Don't say grocery bagging. They know their kid's interest better than you do, and they likely hired you in the hopes of avoiding that line of work. But be honest that you feel like you're​ not making progress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T22:52:06.037" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T22:52:06.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="127" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T19:56:51.183" Score="15" ViewCount="2633" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have friends who will engage conversations with me about topics that either &lt;strong&gt;I know nothing about&lt;/strong&gt; or that &lt;strong&gt;I just don't care for&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My closest group of friends (which include around 6 people whom I talk to very often) talk about superhero movies and shows. They constantly ask me if I watched a certain movie or am caught up on a particular show?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only like a select few shows and movies, but I don't care for the rest - and always feel lost when they all talk about the latest episode of a popular show. During moments like these, I feel out of the loop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always end up staying silent when my friends go off in that tangent. My question is, how should I handle myself in these situations - and how can I prevent future situations like these?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="46" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:06:43.627" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T18:21:47.623" Title="How to converse about a topic you don't like or know about?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="127" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:00:09.710" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be honest, they're your friends. So what if you haven't seen the latest movie? If they haven't they might invite you to see it with them, if they already have so what? Provided you keep not seeing films they'll eventually get the gist that you're not that into films.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good option here is maybe just to see more films, maybe even offer to go out with your friends to see a new movie, that way all of you are on the same page. If you don't want to do that you can always try and talk about something else, another topic that you all have in common, perhaps TV instead or some other shared hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T20:00:09.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="130" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:05:02.950" Score="31" ViewCount="8087" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other day I was on the bus and this girl awkwardly walked up to me and started talking to me. She then gave me her number. I wasn't really interested in interacting more with her, so I pretended to write it down on my phone. I don't think she noticed, but I feel really bad about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should one handle this in the future? I am not particularly skilled in talking to unknown people, much less unknown women. This probably happens to women a lot more than men, but the same answers should apply to men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="72" LastEditorUserId="2630" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T22:15:57.597" LastActivityDate="2021-05-24T13:18:45.297" Title="How to nicely reject someone who is hitting on you in the United States?" Tags="&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;rejection&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="130" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:10:54.090" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This indeed does not happen to men too often. However, I don't think you should reject the person entirely. The woman may not be attractive, but don't count out the fact that you two may have similar interests. She took a lot of courage walking up to you and giving you her number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In handling future situations (albeit this might not happen often) like these, I would simply say thank you for the number - and then when she walks away, don't do anything about it. Trash the number and move on, and simply place that person in your mind as an acquaintance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if you have the courage - you could tell the truth and say you're&#xA;not interested. It'll prevent any future awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="46" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T20:10:54.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="30" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:19:12.380" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I personally would not use Mr., Mrs. or Ms. and just use their full name or if they have a Doctorate degree, or are a doctor, Dr. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to, just use Ms. regardless of marital status, just whatever you do, don't address a female spouse using the husband's name *eg &quot;Mrs. John Doe.&quot; My mom absolutely hates it. Especially since she dislikes Ms. and Mrs. in favor of Dr.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="72" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T19:31:50.580" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T19:31:50.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="130" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:30:22.390" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, my policy is two-fold:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the reason for rejection is likely to upset the person, just generically and politely indicate that you're not interested. &amp;quot;Sorry, I'm not interested&amp;quot; works in 99% of the cases, and only rarely would the person pursue &amp;quot;why?&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your specific example (you rejected them based on looks), this may be a good avenue. If they aren't conventionally attractive, they already know that from experience, so hearing that from Yet Another Person will just be more painful. If they are conventionally attractive, they may just view your &amp;quot;different&amp;quot; opinion as insult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the reason for rejection is less likely to upset the person, you may want to honestly state the reason. Frankly, that's rarely useful, as most people wouldn't see much benefit in such details. But it probably wouldn't hurt if you say &amp;quot;sorry I already am in a relationship&amp;quot;/&amp;quot;sorry I'm a Jedi prohibited to have relationships&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, having answered your direct question, I must agree with other commenters - in this specific case, it may be worth giving the person a chance to get to know you. They either are already greatly attracted to you, and/or are courageous, or both - both those factors are worthy to recommend in a partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I would NOT recommend is &amp;quot;ghosting&amp;quot; the person (just not calling the number/emailing). If someone took the courage to approach you, at least be courteous enough to not leave them guessing and hanging. You want to encourage that in people; not discourage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="89" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2021-05-24T13:18:45.297" LastActivityDate="2021-05-24T13:18:45.297" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="130" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:32:45.600" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't have to totally &quot;reject&quot; someone like this in the sense of not seeing them. On the other hand, you don't have to fully &quot;accept&quot; a romantic relationship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution is to &quot;cap&quot; the relationship at your desired level; you're willing to be a friend, but not a boyfriend. That's the way you should act, and if the question is articulated, that's the way you should answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T20:32:45.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="138" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="154" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:38:31.007" Score="12" ViewCount="1412" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are people at my local brewery I enjoy chatting with casually during down time. We've had some good conversation and things have gone great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is how do I go about inviting them to hang out outside of their workplace? At what point/time in the relationship do things reach the &quot;next level&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="95" LastEditorUserId="95" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T14:40:54.897" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T14:40:54.897" Title="How do I make friends with service staff at restaurants/bars?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="139" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="146" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:40:59.477" Score="13" ViewCount="355" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a personality trait (desire to understand details and confirm them) that very often can be mistakenly perceived by people as micromanaging them (even though my intent in what I ask/say is purely centered on my mental details and NOT on what/how I want them to do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &lt;em&gt;notices that the person I gave the task to does it way X&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;I noticed you did it way X, curious why not way Y?&amp;quot; {note that I'm 100% genuinely curious here; and &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; intending to tell them to do it my way}&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taskee: &amp;quot;Stop micromanaging me!&amp;quot; (they may not say it outright but sometimes they say it later, so I know it happens often).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short of just never asking such questions, how can I tailor such communications so as to prevent an appearance of micromanaging someone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="89" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T22:54:13.673" Title="How can I prevent an appearance of micromanaging someone?" Tags="&lt;delegation&gt;&lt;tasks&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="138" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:45:06.177" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, first off, you need to ask yourself whether they want to be closer friends than they currently are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Service staff are likely to generally see you as customers. Sure, exceptions happen, but don't assume.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I have made loads of friends who work in bars, restaurants and clubs, and key to it is being friendly and personable. Listen to them, be interested, chat about things, find common interests. Pretty much the same as making friends anywhere, but with the added wall of a service relationship to get past first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T20:45:06.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="141" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="143" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:46:35.707" Score="23" ViewCount="11029" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was in college, myself and a few friends gathered weekly to play D&amp;amp;D together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One friend had weekly track &amp;amp; field sessions scheduled prior to our meet-ups. Usually, this wasn't an issue, but there were some days where it was very clear that he had not showered before coming over to play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I politely tell a friend they should take a shower?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T10:02:58.253" LastActivityDate="2020-02-27T17:09:26.783" Title="How can I politely tell someone that they should take a shower?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="139" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:54:29.177" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it's about the overall approach to your questioning process. As well, it is very important that you do not ask why someone did something a certain way. Each person has a different level/way of thinking, which is why some people think they are being micromanaged (in a way, they feel offended without directly telling you so). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Instead&lt;/strong&gt;, I would approach them with a sentence like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good job on completing [that task]! I would like to know more about your process so you and I can give advice to other people who have [that task]. Maybe this is a better way to approach it for our company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that it is important to give the other person &lt;strong&gt;praise&lt;/strong&gt; for the work ethics/effort so that they do not feel offended. &lt;strong&gt;BUT ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="46" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T22:54:13.673" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T22:54:13.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="141" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:55:17.807" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a track and field college athlete, I know that practices can make scheduling tough. Sometimes it's hard to squeeze in something like dinner, for instance, because practice goes right up until some other event I have to go to. It's tempting to skip something like a shower and just do that later, so I can have more time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, the situation typically goes like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have a hard workout which takes longer than usual.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I need time to stretch, cool down, hydrate, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have another commitment later that day/evening, soon after practice, and little time in between. Therefore, I cut out some parts of Step 2.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I neglect something. For me, it's typically not something like shower; I might skip a cool down run instead. However, I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; skipped showers before.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that this might be an issue for your friend. If his practice is right before your gaming get-togethers, then he could be struggling with not having enough time to shower, change properly, etc. In other words, I suspect time is an issue - not a lack of personal hygiene. He's doing what I've done, and cutting something out of Step 2. That's not that atrocious; the problem is that he's chosen to cut, among other things, showering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things you could do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell your friend that it's okay if they're late because of practice, and that they can take their time. Emphasize that &lt;strong&gt;they don't need to rush&lt;/strong&gt;. For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, [name], I know that you might be having a hard time having practice right before we game. I want to let you know that you shouldn't feel rushed; take your time between going to practice and hanging out with us. Do whatever you need to do - get changed, rehydrate and get a snack, and shower.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mentioning the shower explicitly, come to think of it, might be a good idea. But you don't have to make it the focus of your suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe even move the D&amp;amp;D session back a little to compensate, unless this would adversely affect the rest of the group. Your friend has no control over when his practice ends; is it possible that your schedule is more flexible?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should justify why I don't think this is an issue of this person &lt;em&gt;choosing&lt;/em&gt; to maintain poor personal hygiene. For college athletes, practice and the activities around it are supposed to be as smooth/convenient as possible. Showers, for instance, should be near the locker rooms, and many teams would shower together, especially if the showers are communal. &lt;strong&gt;If the friend isn't showering, their teammates would probably point this out before anyone else!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that your friend is averse to group showers - which is perfectly fine. It might be a cultural issue, or it could simply be personal preference. In that case, they may be even more pressed, because they would then have to shower in their dorms, which could be impractical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the case, then the problem is again one of time. As I said before, emphasize that they should take the time to ensure that their physical well-being - which should include hygiene - is put first. They might need to reorganize their list of prioritizing in Step 2 - it's as simple as that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-07-10T14:53:55.383" LastActivityDate="2017-07-10T14:53:55.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="141" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:55:45.207" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;On the days that your friend comes from track &amp;amp; field, you can give him the opportunity to shower in your bathroom using your toiletries - if he has not done so at home. If he takes the offer, all the better - but if he does not, you could mention that hygiene is rather important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to &lt;strong&gt;avoid saying&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;hey man, you smell bad&quot; - as this might give him the wrong idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="46" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T10:02:11.667" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T10:02:11.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="145" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:56:32.130" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you know them well enough, give them your phone and ask for their contact information or Facebook profile.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This saves you the embarrassment of asking, as the person will write out their name for you. As an added bonus, you now have their information saved to your phone as a contact, meaning you can easily look it up without having to ask again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, I also recommend adding a contact photo to help associate the name with a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/b4oqe.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/b4oqe.png&quot; alt=&quot;iPhone new contact&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:47:41.713" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:47:41.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="139" CreationDate="2017-06-27T20:58:03.080" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, know that many people are not concerned with the optimal action in the same way that you are.  If you are analyzing which approach would be better in a certain situation (the way you currently do something vs the way you are seeing something done), that is necessarily comparative.  While your intention may be to try to figure out if their approach is better, or even mere idle curiosity, people will often respond negatively because they can sense the comparison.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this person is your report, then I would advise that you typically &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; ask them, unless you suspect that their approach really is better, and want to learn how to improve yourself.  (In which case, flattery can go a long way).  There is little to be gained (fulfilling idle curiosity), and a very high cost in the long run in terms of employee dissatisfaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; your report, you could have a conversation with them once, at the start, and explain that you have this quirk.  You can explain what is meant by it, ask them if it's okay if you ask those kinds of questions, and emphasize that if it ever makes them feel uncomfortable, they should feel free to say so - it is truly meant to be friendly, and you don't want them to feel put upon in any way.  This gives them an exit clause in case they don't like a particular line of questioning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A word of warning about this second path: it is a little fraught.  You will need to check in from time to time if you are unsure whether your questions are still being received with warmth.  Again, the potential benefits are small, but the potential costs are high.  Don't mess around with important long-term professional relationships without good cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T22:53:49.427" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T22:53:49.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="139" CreationDate="2017-06-27T21:03:38.707" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Find out why people are &quot;saying it later&quot;, and avoid actions that will induce these feelings.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I read your post and I am left wondering why people are saying &quot;often&quot; that they are micromanaged. Also, when someone blurts out &quot;Stop micromanaging me&quot;, it's probably not an isolated event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I am wondering why people are feeling like this. OK so some ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give a task and make sure it is completely understood.  State the task(s). State the conditions under which they need to be met. State the standard that constitutes acceptable completion and include a due date. If you require interim reports, state so and include a timetable, and what you expect (percentage completion, issues, etc). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let the person go. Ask no questions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If, and only if, something goes awry and at odds with the stated task should you ask for status. This is not a justification for their actions; this is status. Please make that plain.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you think it is warranted, ask the person if they need assistance -- &lt;em&gt;assistance&lt;/em&gt; is not &lt;em&gt;supervision&lt;/em&gt;. Please make that plain.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a lot of grey area in the above. But given that we have employees that are now fixated on the concept that they believe you micromanage, you may have to go &quot;total hands off&quot; for a while until they understand that the situation has changed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T21:03:38.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="139" CreationDate="2017-06-27T21:04:50.833" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question is leading and puts the person on the defensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's leading because you are making it seem like &quot;doing Y was right, why did you do X over that?!&quot; which then puts them on the defensive, having to justify their decision against your perceived favorite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try things which do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; do this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Can you help me understand why you did it that way?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, instead of them having the failing (choosing the wrong choice in XY) you are making it so they can help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="104" LastEditorUserId="104" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T21:16:35.793" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T21:16:35.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="74" CreationDate="2017-06-27T21:10:57.817" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are there things I should do during her stay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plan activities where you have something to do, other than sit around awkwardly staring at each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Playing games, going for walks, really anything that has an activity. Basically doing things which are sort good date ideas... for the same reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By focusing attention on the activity you give the relationship time to adjust. It might not matter at all and you might be fine, but it will remove any of the potential awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="104" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T21:10:57.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="31" CreationDate="2017-06-27T21:13:56.817" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can someone prevent this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never answer statements without an &quot;and&quot; statement. This can be by introducing more content or asking a question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;What's your favorite color?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Blue.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;vs:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;What's your favorite color?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Blue. What is yours?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, clearly in practice this is more difficult than asking about favorite colors but I find that it works well. You will find &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yes,_and...&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this wikipedia article&lt;/a&gt; about the &quot;yes, and...&quot; improve technique interesting. The same idea applies to conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="104" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T19:30:56.770" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T19:30:56.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14" CreationDate="2017-06-27T21:15:44.433" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People see through fake sympathy pretty well. Ignoring whether she wants to talk about it and the potential problems there, you're likely to convey this fake sympathy and that will not be beneficial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="104" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T21:15:44.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="138" CreationDate="2017-06-27T21:18:12.820" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;One way is to make a &quot;no pressure&quot; invitation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you have talked a lot, you should know what your common interests are. Let's say, for example, you both like dogs, and you both have dogs. You can simply invite that person to meet up to walk the dogs or to meet at a dog friendly park. You can simply say that you will be there at a specific date and time. Then leave it at that. So the intent is to let the person know where you will be, when, and what will be happening there. Le them decide whether to go or not without having to say a word about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person shows up, all to the good. If the person does not, just let it go. Sometimes you just have to wait and see. But since they know that a polite invitation was made, when they are ready, they may invite you to something.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only time and circumstance will tell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T21:18:12.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="138" CreationDate="2017-06-27T21:25:46.343" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell them about an event that you will already be attending and which you do not control, such as a local trivia night or a concert in the park, with no implied obligation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social stuff with service staff is weird because they have to be friendly with you or they risk losing their job. Your instincts may be good that they genuinely like you, but you don't want to put them in the place of feeling pressured into something outside of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time you plan on going to some public event that you think they'd like, mention that you're going and that they might find it fun. That way they can give a solid &quot;yes,&quot; a genuine or polite &quot;maybe,&quot; or can say &quot;no&quot; in a polite way without worrying that you'd feel let-down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T21:25:46.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="141" CreationDate="2017-06-27T21:31:11.420" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If he's a close friend, just but above board and talk about it. Don't just say &quot;Take a shower&quot;. Ask why he is not. Then talk about how to make that situation better. If you are close enough, then somewhat sensitive stuff like this should be OK. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is not a close friend, then you have to decide how he will take it. If it's because he is not showering after a practice, the solution might be to move the D&amp;amp;D session later. Or move the session to a different day. Make it a group effort if possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's not possible, is it possible to &quot;tough it out&quot; and say nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, then you have to say something. But don't say &quot;You smell&quot; or any of its derivatives. Say something like the following. &quot;I care about your friendship and that's why I am speaking to you. People will not appreciate you skipping the shower after practice. Please consider that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T21:37:39.003" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T21:37:39.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="156" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="159" CreationDate="2017-06-27T21:36:21.360" Score="12" ViewCount="807" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a shy person, and tend to be the last to speak in a discussion or meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I noticed that in my group (a hobby group), most people are quiet too, and also passive when taking turns in discussion. This is problematic because sometimes we need to vote, or gather ideas, or even organize an event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At these times, I think I need to at least lead the discussion (as the eldest person).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that all of my members are usually quiet, and I don't want the discussion stuck in one decision and others just agree because they don't want to give their opinion. There is no appointed leader.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to lead the meeting successfully&lt;/strong&gt;, as in members should be active in giving opinion, and I don't need to talk a lot?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Indonesia, if that matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T17:33:14.503" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T17:33:14.503" Title="Leading a meeting as a shy person?" Tags="&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;&lt;groups&gt;&lt;leadership&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="156" CreationDate="2017-06-27T21:49:21.023" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can lead a group without deciding for them. If a question is at hand, you can be a moderator of sorts. You can ask each one what they think in a tactful way that is inviting. Make sure that all comments are appreciated.  Praise can be given every time someone speaks up. The key is to be invited to speak without consequence or ill feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Minutes can be taken, and summaries of suggestions recorded. Then a vote can be taken. If you think it will help, make the vote anonymous by some means that is convenient (if possible). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a precaution, you can save your comments until someone asks for it. But be sure that you are saying your ideas and convey that they are just as good/bad as anyone else's. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T21:49:21.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="127" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:04:25.093" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You don't like or care about a topic, but you care about your friends.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you value their friendship, and you value the future that promises, then you may consider watching movies you would prefer to not see. This will allow you to enter their world, and participate with them in a way they find valuable. You may simply choose to &quot;be there&quot; when a new movie they will like comes out. Better yet, make it a group thing and go with them to the movies. (When given lemons, make lemonade.) You may well enjoy it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wouldn't you want your friends to do the same for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:04:25.093" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="156" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:12:59.817" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can often be shy in social situations. One thing that helps when I lead meetings is to ask myself, &quot;What would I wish the organizer would do in this situation?&quot; You're not putting yourself out there in this case; you're serving the group by helping everyone stay on task.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A set agenda is always helpful in a meeting and will ensure that important business gets done. You can prepare it ahead of time or write it on a piece of paper so that everyone can see it and you don't need to speak aloud beyond &quot;We're on item 3.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Watch for body language as best you can; if someone seems uncomfortable, ask them what they think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are all sorts of resources and tools for holding effective meetings, but one tool that I've found especially useful is the &lt;a href=&quot;http://agileforall.com/learning-with-fist-of-five-voting/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Fist to Five&lt;/a&gt; technique. When making a decision, ask everyone to raise a hand with zero to five fingers extended to indicate how much they support a proposal. Zero fingers (a fist) means they will never be okay with that proposal (usually a moral objection). Five means they love it. With this technique, you ensure everyone is heard; anyone under three fingers has a substantial objection and the proposal with the most fingers is best-supported.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I encourage you to read up on consensus-based decision making if you want to get better at helping groups handle business when no one is in charge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:12:59.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="160" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="167" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:13:03.477" Score="32" ViewCount="35750" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who is involved in a Multi-Level Marketing scheme (which sounds a lot like a pyramid scheme). She often invites me to events where she sells things. When we meet outside these nights, she keeps saying I should become a sales person, and pressuring me to go to an information seminar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried saying I am not interested, and had excuses for not going (I have other plans, etc.), but she keeps inviting me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I get her to stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: To add context, the MLM scheme involves me buying some clothes at a discount, and selling them to my other friends. She will get a % cut of my sales. If I were to recruit others, I would get a % of theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T02:25:34.047" LastActivityDate="2020-06-01T21:22:31.630" Title="How to politely decline an opportunity to be involved in a pyramid scheme?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="161" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="163" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:20:22.937" Score="39" ViewCount="32944" Body="&lt;p&gt;On the Internet, you don't have important visual and auditory cues from a person like tone of voice or facial expressions. Body language, therefore, is non-existent - yet this can be very important in conversations. The people in the conversation may also not know each other very well; the relationships here are not akin to those in real life. They're casual and informal, and they may be completely global.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that it's not always clear when someone is being sarcastic/ironic or not, and on Stack Exchange (in chat), this has caused some serious issues. It's sometimes hard to tell whether or not someone's joking. Misunderstanding this can have important consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I indicate sarcasm or irony in a chat room without saying outright &quot;I'm being sarcastic&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="7" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T22:26:16.913" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T13:27:41.750" Title="How do I indicate sarcasm/irony online?" Tags="&lt;sarcasm&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="161" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:25:34.150" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;A convention for indicating sarcasm online tends is to end your sarcastic comment with &lt;code&gt;/s&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Of course everybody in the world loves having their teeth pulled out. /s&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/r/OutOfTheLoop/comments/1z46jc/what_does_thread_mean/cfqkmva/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.reddit.com/r/OutOfTheLoop/comments/1z46jc/what_does_thread_mean/cfqkmva/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To add to that: Originally, in the good old forum days, it'd be&#xA;  spelled out &quot;&lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;/thread&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;&quot;, like a HTML end tag. Over time it dropped the&#xA;  angle brackets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The same with &quot;&lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;/sarcasm&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;&quot;, which over time became &quot;&lt;code&gt;/sarcasm&lt;/code&gt;&quot; and (as&#xA;  /u/LOOK_AT_MY_ALL_CAPS points out) eventually becoming just &quot;&lt;code&gt;/s&lt;/code&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastEditorUserId="109" LastEditDate="2018-02-25T21:05:11.123" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T21:05:11.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="161" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:25:47.963" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be explicit.&lt;/strong&gt; By &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poe%27s_law&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Poe's law&lt;/a&gt;, if you aren't explicit, it won't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is utterly impossible to parody [any view] in such a way that someone won't mistake for the genuine article.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you're really worried about it being unclear, just stick an &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;/s&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt; at the end of whatever you said. Or say outright &quot;(just kidding)&quot; or similar. There's an entire Wikipedia article on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony_punctuation&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;irony punctuation&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is common in online conversation among some Internet users to use an XML closing tag: &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;/sarcasm&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;. The tag is often written only after the sarcasm so as to momentarily trick the reader before admitting the joke. Over time, it has evolved to lose the angle brackets (&lt;code&gt;/sarcasm&lt;/code&gt;) and has subsequently been shortened to &lt;code&gt;/sarc&lt;/code&gt; or &lt;code&gt;/s&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience (mostly on Stack Exchange), the most commonly seen nowadays is &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;/s&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;. See e.g. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=%2Fs&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Urban Dictionary&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.internetslang.com/_2FS-meaning-definition.asp&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Internet Slang&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you're less worried but still want to add some sort of indicator, try &lt;code&gt;:-P&lt;/code&gt; or &lt;code&gt;;-)&lt;/code&gt;. (Noses are optional.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="25" LastEditorUserId="25" LastEditDate="2017-06-27T22:31:04.033" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:31:04.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="83" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:29:24.517" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Be up front about why you are writing again.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's worth following up on, then it's worth stating why you are following up. If you say &quot;Did you get a chance...&quot;, you are leaving room for them to have a negative thought as to why you are writing again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you put the Bottom Line Up Front (BLUF), they will know exactly why it is important for you to follow up. They should then write back, even if it is just to say they have no input. And since they know, they should not have any ill feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:29:24.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="166" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="208" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:46:06.523" Score="19" ViewCount="2422" Body="&lt;p&gt;I lost my job a few months ago, and was struggling to find a new one with no success. This led me to becoming less motivated each day, until the point that suicide slipped into my mind - which I instantaneously throw out from my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things were like normal for my family and friends, but I was seeing them less frequently, until I stopped completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People didn't know I had depression, because I covered it from them. But then my best friend mentioned the lessening meeting frequency and eventually &quot;break up&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that I'm in a better condition, I wish I was able to explain when I was in depression, and to ask for their consideration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really appreciate all the answers so far, but I mainly looking how I couldn't have explained it &lt;strong&gt;back when I was depressed&lt;/strong&gt;, not after the fact. I told people that I was &quot;needing some time to handle personal matters&quot;, but it was perceived negatively as in I was intentionally avoiding them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: In Indonesia being diagnosed as &quot;depressed&quot; or something like that is equal to &quot;crazy&quot; (though I know better than that), so I'd like to avoid using that term if I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T18:53:02.007" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T16:04:15.277" Title="How can I explain my reduced social activity when depression is stigmatised?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="160" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:48:50.717" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be honest with her. Emphasize that it's a stress on your relationship and that you're not completely comfortable with their business style. I wouldn't say &quot;pyramid scheme&quot;, if only because that's something concrete she can argue against.  If you need some help, consider watching the &lt;em&gt;Last Week Tonight&lt;/em&gt; episode all about &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6MwGeOm8iI&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Multi-level Marketing Schemes&lt;/a&gt;. They're not all bad, but many of them are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not interested in the products tell her that you're not interested in the product enough to buy it and definitely not interested enough to sell it yourself. You're glad that she's happy with it but explain that her continued pestering is causing stress in your relationship with her and that you'd like her to stop inviting you to these events and particularly stop asking you to join in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's getting to the point that you'd cut off your connections with her entirely due to this, tell her that. Some people either have short memories or are so happy with their work they can't help but think that it's for everyone. You need to be firm. Don't equivocate. Don't say &quot;I can't right now&quot; or &quot;I don't have time&quot; or make an excuse. If she relapses, remind her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, if you've already tried to explain and &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; firm, she may simply not be the sort of person who's willing to take &quot;no&quot; as an answer and you may have to sever your relationship (or at least reduce your interaction with her) until she moves on to a new revenue stream. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's all about how close a friend she is and how willing you are to continue to deflect her pressure to join the &quot;cult&quot; of the MLM scheme. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:48:50.717" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="160" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:49:00.923" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Next time anyone approaches you for get involved in something that &lt;strong&gt;you don't want&lt;/strong&gt;, just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I'm not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No need for sorry or similar excuses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This helps me each time I receive phone calls from my Bank or other similar situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="50" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:49:00.923" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="166" CreationDate="2017-06-27T22:53:32.160" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It would probably have been best to be more up front with them. But now it's in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is such a negative feeling toward depression, then do not use the word. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell your family and friends that you were very sad about the things that happened to you. You did not want them to be sad, so you needed time to work things out. But now that you have, you are apologizing for making people uncomfortable or angry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should pave the way for allowing people to understand, and forgetting the circumstances that may have made them feel badly. This should start a healing process that will allow people to put this behind them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to allow for the possibility that some people may have moved on, and are not in a position to &quot;go back&quot;. You should allow for the possibility that this may happen, and hopefully not have any hard feelings about it if it does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-27T22:53:32.160" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="170" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="173" CreationDate="2017-06-27T23:49:38.817" Score="10" ViewCount="432" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a situation where a person is telling many jokes, but the problem is it is hard to tell when they are serious. How should this situation be handled?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are an acquaintance that I work with. (This question is not on The Workplace as this is a more interpersonal issue.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="117" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-07-14T02:59:01.590" LastActivityDate="2017-07-14T02:59:01.590" Title="How can I distinguish between a person being humorous and non-humorous?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;humor&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="99" CreationDate="2017-06-28T00:05:14.437" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is a trick I was taught. People like talking about.... THEMSELVES! My mother always can get life stories from ANYONE (in a good way) very fast. Just ask about them. How is life? Siblings? What do you like to do in free time? And just ask questions and be sincere about all questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="117" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T00:05:14.437" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="170" CreationDate="2017-06-28T00:08:28.140" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can always simply ask.  I have had very good luck with, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Wait, I can't tell if you're being serious right now.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;  Most people will immediately let you know, problem solved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person systematically continues to give sarcastic answers to this question, usually there is something else going on.  There may be anger issues, avoidance issues, or social stresses causing the behavior.  Depending on the situation, you can again level with them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the most extreme cases, something is seriously wrong, and you may have to decide whether you enjoy being around this person or not.  &lt;em&gt;It is not your responsibility to fix anyone, but they often appreciate the company.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, friend!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T00:08:28.140" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="174" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="156" CreationDate="2017-06-28T00:12:04.993" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a group of introverts, a good solution is to offer online/paper feedback options to everyone. Freeform, or multiple choice, as appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, ask people if they would feel more comfortable if they have an option to offer feedback anonymously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="89" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T00:12:04.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="156" CreationDate="2017-06-28T00:16:14.593" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that I've noticed is that if two or more &quot;shy&quot; people get together, the least shy person tends to step forward and take the lead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You appear to be the &quot;least&quot; shy person in the group. So step forward and go for it. Realize that your shyness is actually an advantage in this group of shy people because you will have a better sense of what will and won't work with them than another, more extroverted person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have often found myself in this spot, and noticed the above with regard to myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T00:16:14.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="139" CreationDate="2017-06-28T00:25:33.340" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This appears to be a case where a social action (asking a detailed question) is not objectively bad, but is (wrongly) seen as &quot;bad&quot; by others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is true, try to avoid instances of this action where the stakes are trivial, because you will likely lose more credibility on the social interaction than you will gain from the action itself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if there is a good reason to ask the question, ask it, and if necessary, be prepared to explain yourself. &quot;I wanted to help you prepare for X,&quot; or &quot;I wanted to warn you against Y.&quot; This will give you practice in handling yourself in the more critical situations, and may eventually increase your skill in the more trivial instances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T00:25:33.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="177" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-28T01:56:17.223" Score="9" ViewCount="2872" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in a relationship with a woman, went out on several dates (more than 3), but, nothing exciting happened. We didn't break up, we just kind of stopped talking to each other. About a year later (now minus a week or so) she asked if I wanted to &quot;hang out.&quot; I agreed since I still liked her and we went out on a long walk. It still didn't feel romantic at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make our relationship more romantic this time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="72" LastEditorUserId="72" LastEditDate="2019-03-23T20:13:30.607" LastActivityDate="2019-03-23T20:13:30.607" Title="How to develop romance in a casual, interrupted relationship?" Tags="&lt;romance&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="17" ClosedDate="2019-03-05T13:29:09.973" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="178" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="189" CreationDate="2017-06-28T02:11:04.073" Score="15" ViewCount="2317" Body="&lt;p&gt;I frequently ride with a friend with whom I get along quite well, except for one thing, and that is that it seems that his radio is always way too loud.  I know he enjoys having the sound turned up, so I feel kind of embarrassed asking him to turn it down all the time, but it really is loud... it makes it hard for me to concentrate on any kind of conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ve learned tricks, like talking in a normal tone so that he has to turn down the radio just to understand what I’m saying, but if possible, I’d really like to find a way to get him to turn it down without “beating around the bush.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I'm frequently sitting right next to the radio, I &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; simply turn it down myself.  Is that the best route, or should I ask him to do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any ideas?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="123" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T02:30:46.677" LastActivityDate="2019-05-23T19:04:43.080" Title="Politely ask friend to turn down car radio" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;cars&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-05-23T11:40:15.993" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="177" CreationDate="2017-06-28T02:30:23.170" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just wait - a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been a year - that's a long time! It sounds like you guys were close but not incredibly close; you both might have changed in that time and still need to get to know each other again. She may still be evaluating whether or not she wants a romantic relationship, and you should do the same. She might just want to be friends again, or she might want more. Odds are good that her mind is not made up. She might be thinking the same as you, or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So let her make her mind up - or at least think things over some more. Go hang out together again; it seems like the walk went pretty well. That's a good sign. Maybe do something more date-like, like a movie, maybe with some other friends. Make it clear, above all, that you want to get to know her again. Then take baby steps. It's not the same as picking up right where you ended after Date #3. You're starting almost from square one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also worth considering how things ended between you. You didn't break up, but things slowed down and the relationship sort of fell apart. It's sort of a weird situation, because it's not clear whether there was a romantic relationship at all, or if it stopped being romantic at any point. It's completely possible that she interpreted things differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't rush it. Don't assume that she is, emotionally, where you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, you don't have to guess about things. I've had cases in a relationship where neither of us were sure of the status of things, and it wasn't always good. In retrospect, it might have been better to try to figure things out together and talk it out. The caveat here, though, is that the relationship was definitely romantic, and certainly larger than just a few dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T02:41:47.250" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T02:41:47.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="180" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-28T02:43:19.443" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From day to day life many people will need to say &quot;no&quot;, whether it be an offer for some food or drink, or an offer or a free gift. There are various situations where saying no can be awkward or inconvenient, or other situations where someone who says &quot;no&quot; to you can cause you an issue too. Questions here are about resolving issues caused by saying &quot;no&quot; to something or someone, and also about how to say &quot;no&quot; to certain situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should also be used with tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:40:26.397" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:40:26.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="181" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-28T02:43:19.443" Score="0" Body="Questions about how best to approach saying &quot;no&quot;, or declining requests. Please explain in your question why just saying &quot;no&quot; is not sufficient." OwnerUserId="109" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T10:06:36.190" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T10:06:36.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="160" CreationDate="2017-06-28T03:02:49.887" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be direct, but be proportional too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Level One&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;[NAME]. I'm glad that selling [COMPANY NAME] going so well for you, but this isn't something that I would be interested in.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key elements:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is direct, it doesn't involve an excuse like being busy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've avoided the word &quot;no&quot; because it tends to be more confrontational.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This suggestion is mainly to help people other than the OP who may have the same question, but it sounds like the OP has tried it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Level Two&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;[NAME]. No. I'm just not interested. I'm happy it's going well for you, but I'm not interested&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If directly saying that you weren't interested didn't work, now is the time to be even more direct. In particular:&#xA; - I included the word &quot;no&quot; because a direct &quot;no&quot; is very confrontational&#xA; - Repeating that you aren't interested twice sends a very clear signal that you are getting slightly annoyed by the request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Level Three&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try the responses in Catija's answers about it putting significant strain on your friendship or tell them explicitly that you are finding their repeated requests irritating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Level Four&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider ending the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="127" LastEditorUserId="127" LastEditDate="2017-07-01T10:39:45.103" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T10:39:45.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="32" CreationDate="2017-06-28T03:20:50.630" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key question here is opportunity cost. To what extent are you avoiding opportunities to socialise in person because it is easier to socialise online than in real life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, it is okay to go through a phase where you focus on socialising online if you believe that doing so is helping you build skills more than going out in person is doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is because you can still practise so many skills online that can apply to real life such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Communicating clearly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Humor&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling stories&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Having interesting things to say about a topic&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note however, that no matter how much you practise these skills online, it will still be very different applying these skills in real life when you have less time to think about what you want to say and how to structure it. It comes down to recognising the extent to which you are still making progress and when you have plateaued. When that happens, you have to be willing to take the dive into focusing more on real life socialisation even if it means spending more of your time in awkward situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="127" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T03:20:50.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="177" CreationDate="2017-06-28T03:22:18.770" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talk to her about your relationship and don't feel like you have to make the relationship &quot;more romantic.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a concept that polyamorous people talk about: the &quot;Relationship Escalator.&quot; We're told (at least in the US) that there's a number of steps that a relationship should follow, from intimate friends all the way to old married couples. Society tells us to just sort of keep going in a relationship and expect those steps to progress and be upset if they don't, but that's nonsense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she contacted you after a long time, that suggests she's interested in spending time with you. Don't feel that escalating romance should be the goal of your time; the goal of your time should be to have a nurturing time together. Just ask her what she thinks about your relationship, tell her how you think about it, and discuss the ways it might evolve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to make it a heavy, intimidating Relationship Talk. Some good small talk for long walks or chatting online:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;So, what made you reconnect after we drifted apart?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;When we went out to the movies a bunch a year ago... were those dates?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;What sort of things are you interested in doing with me in the short term?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will probably feel very silly to ask this sort of question, but you'll likely be glad that you did. Also, if you don't enjoy talking to her about this sort of thing, you're less likely to enjoy an extended romantic relationship with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T03:22:18.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="32" CreationDate="2017-06-28T03:26:43.040" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having been very active on many forums in my life, I can say that it can work for or against you, but will most likely work against you if you don't have much real life interaction.  The types of interpersonal skills we use on forums can be very different from the ones we use when we are offline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What we gain from online communication are things like argumentation skills, humor, and a base of general knowledge.  I've found these things translate to real life very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The skills that atrophy are: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Verbal skills&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Recognition of social cues&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The ability to easily bond with people over small/irrelevant things.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being able to respond quickly with the right thing to say.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Possibly hygiene&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Online communication is very convenient and topical, so it teaches us that conversation needs to be relevant and goal-oriented... which is a stringent requirement for offline communication, and it becomes a vicious cycle.  Being able to facilitate communication that's [seemingly] not goal-oriented is one of the most important skills you can have on your tool belt because it can make the difference in landing that job you've always wanted or in getting the deal of a lifetime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's even possible for you to take on some bad habits like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not allowing a conversation to end just because you want to be right.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Making off-color jokes in inappropriate settings.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Using language that may be more technically correct but comes off as talking down to people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not remembering to close the door when peeing!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, I don't think the topic of the forum really has much to do with the net result of one's interpersonal skills.  It could be electronics or it could be body building.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An answer to your question depends very much on who you want to be interacting with offline.  If it's meeting up with other electronics people that makes you happy, there's probably little harm in spending most of your time online.  If, on the other hand, you want to improve your interactions with everyday people, you are not doing yourself many favors by spending hours on a forum for such a specialized topic.  If electronics is your passion, I would certainly not recommend giving it up – the time you spend on the forum is valuable.  You can keep doing that while spending a proportionate amount of time practicing your interpersonal skills, even if that means doing things with people that aren't goal-oriented (which was very hard for me to get over).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="115" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T17:04:31.873" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T17:04:31.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="187" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="177" CreationDate="2017-06-28T04:11:24.583" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your goal shouldn't be to make the relationship &quot;more romantic.&quot; It should be to give it the &lt;em&gt;best potential.&lt;/em&gt; That appears to be happening. The fact that the two of you got back together after a year is encouraging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've noted that there is no &quot;excitement&quot; in the relationship. There seems to be no &quot;chemistry.&quot; That makes a romantic relationship hard, though not impossible. In the majority of such situations, something would have happened in either the first or second go-arounds. This is a different field, but a salesman once noted that 70% of his sales relationships began on the first call, 23% on the second, only 7% on the third or subsequent calls. He considered it an incentive to &quot;cold call.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's apparent is that this relationship, if it survives, will be a &quot;long distance race.&quot; It's possible that one or both of you won't want to stick around. But &quot;points&quot; to you for trying and &quot;double points&quot; if you actually succeed someday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T04:11:24.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-28T05:02:58.107" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is another approach I tried sometimes and I just thought to share it here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I want to know the first name of a person, I'd just ask&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What's your full name?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In India, we do have a tendency to tell the first name only among colleagues and friends. Therefore, by asking people their full name make them think I just want to know their last name only. In this way, we can get the first name. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:50:01.657" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:50:01.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="178" CreationDate="2017-06-28T05:11:50.110" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you keep beating around the bush then hopefully he should get the hint that he always listens to music too loud and that he should usually turn it down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still doesn't get the hint and keeps leaving it too loud then it might just be best to ask him directly to turn it down. If you're talking to someone else it's probably best to ask something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey I can't quite hear what x is saying, do you mind turning the radio down a bit please?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you're talking to him it might be best to ask him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Can you turn down the radio, I can't really hear what you're saying&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And hopefully after a while he might notice this and then finally stop having the radio too loud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T05:11:50.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="178" CreationDate="2017-06-28T05:25:41.887" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The same thing happened me many times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since he is your friend, there is no issues on asking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I can't hear you(or whom you are talking with.) properly. can you please adjust the sound.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is one of your best friend, then you can ask it in a sarcastic manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually ask them in a sarcastic way and so, they won't feel it(only to my best friends). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, ask them politely as I mentioned. I can't hear you properly. Can you please adjust the radio&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T05:25:41.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="191" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="192" CreationDate="2017-06-28T05:41:38.767" Score="6" ViewCount="1146" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often on a trip, there will be an odd number of people from my school getting involved. As a result, one person will be left isolated on their own pair of chairs (chairs on coaches are pairs of 2 chairs, one on the left and one on the right) and often I'm left alone on a pair of chairs by myself. Across from me on the pair of chairs next to me are some friends that are happily engaging in conversation, as they are not sat next to me (there is an aisle running down the coach between us) they aren't really including me in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to directly ask or point out that I'm not being included, as they're not deliberately leaving me out. So is there any way to easily engage with them across the aisle to make conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T12:44:08.220" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T12:44:21.713" Title="How to get involved in a conversation happening on the seats across from you on a coach" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="191" CreationDate="2017-06-28T05:57:30.433" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're too far from there, you might wanna get a seat nearby to them. If there is a relatively long distance between your seats, you will have to raise your voice and talking in high voice might damage your vocal chords. Also, it might imply that you really wanna join this conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're near to their seats, then it's good. &lt;strong&gt;Now you just have to pick a conversation subject which you can contribute to.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this way, you can start a conversation without showing any eagerness to join it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T12:44:21.713" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T12:44:21.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="193" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="197" CreationDate="2017-06-28T06:57:36.703" Score="28" ViewCount="8122" Body="&lt;p&gt;An older man barges into me. While I think he could have prevented that, I don't assume he had any bad intentions. He then apologizes and I want to accept the apology, but how?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just saying &quot;It's OK&quot; doesn't feel right for me, since if everything is OK, there would be no reason to excuse him. But I also don't want to come across as strange or be impolite/rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want to inform that person that I accept the apology without phrasing it in a way that won't imply that there was/is no kind of problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There actually is nothing that bothers me there, but saying something along the lines &quot;It's OK&quot; or &quot;No problem&quot; would not be an option for me in a situation like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how should I communicate something that preferably gives the feeling to that person that I said &quot;It's OK&quot; under the previously mentioned constraints?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;I have Asperger's&lt;/a&gt; which means that, in this very specific context, I feel uncomfortable with expressing something that feels untrue for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T12:15:43.227" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T15:03:32.567" Title="How to accept an apology, without implying that there was no problem?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;literal-language&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14" CreationDate="2017-06-28T06:59:58.270" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;That she had to stop working for multiple months in order to care for a sick child shows that their child's illness was severe. To be frank, in Western cultures if you have any ongoing relationship with her this is something which you do need to care about. Not necessarily very much, but it is important to have and display &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;empathy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; to a level appropriate to the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how deep a relationship you have with her, these sorts of things would be appropriate:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;DO ask, at an appropriate time, how her child is going now. Be aware, as other answers have raised, that she might be swamped with such questions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;DO ask her how she is feeling herself, as well as her partner/spouse (if she has one)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;DO say empathetic things like &quot;it must have been a very tough time&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;DON'T say you understand exactly what she's been through&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;DON'T say you'll be there for her if you don't mean it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;DON'T say you'll pray (or whatever) if you won't&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;DON'T say &quot;we should catch up&quot; if you don't want to&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T06:59:58.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="195" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-28T07:06:19.393" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Asperger syndrome&lt;/a&gt; (AS), also known as Asperger's, is a developmental disorder characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and nonverbal communication, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="32" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:24:10.027" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:24:10.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="196" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-28T07:06:19.393" Score="0" Body="Since Asperger affects the scope of interpersonal skills to be used, use this tag for questions dealing with social situations where Asperger's is playing a role." OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="32" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:24:46.347" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:24:46.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="193" CreationDate="2017-06-28T07:06:47.800" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depending on how comfortable you feel saying it, you could simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thank you, don't worry about it&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then smile politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not saying something untrue as it was an accident and I doubt you want the person to worry about what he did for the rest of the day, so I feel as though that is a very good alternative for &quot;it's okay&quot; and often I say &quot;don't worry about it&quot; after an apology, as the apology was needed, but I don't want them to be distressed over what they have done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still feel uncomfortable with &quot;no problem&quot; you can just say &quot;Thanks&quot; or &quot;Thank you&quot; for a similar effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T14:51:20.803" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T14:51:20.803" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="199" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="32" CreationDate="2017-06-28T07:25:44.980" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My perspective is that you get better at what you do more often. So, when you say that your electronic interactions are improving as more time is being spent online, the answer is yes. But is that the reason why your social skills are degrading? Maybe, maybe not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are interacting with people only electronically, then it's safe to assume that you might want to up your social (read: in person, live, face-to-face) interactions a bit. Because interacting face to face and on the internet are very different. Understanding the right emotion becomes easier in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All I'd say is start by meeting people you are most comfortable with, and slowly increase your interactions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="142" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T07:25:44.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="201" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-28T08:01:12.100" Score="8" ViewCount="680" Body="&lt;p&gt;My understanding of Korean culture is that everyone basically knows everyone else's age. This is essential when speaking Korean because &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korean_honorifics&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the language changes based on your social status&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an outsider interacting with an expatriate Korean community (and &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; in a context where we will be speaking Korean), how should I work within this age system? Do I need to figure out my place in their culture? Are there conventional (polite) ways to ask everyone how old they are? Or as a Westerner am I not expected to need to worry about any of this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2017-07-23T05:46:52.677" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T05:55:59.087" Title="As an outsider to Korean culture, how do I work within the age system?" Tags="&lt;korea&gt;&lt;age&gt;&lt;honorifics&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-28T08:15:57.947" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;A trick to save you a bit of embarrassment, is the following.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What was your name again?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;John.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Sorry, I mean your &lt;em&gt;surname&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That makes it seem you've only forgotten their surname.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should they reply with their full name right away, be sure to emphasise it was their surname you had forgotten.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What was your name again?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;John Smith.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Ah yes, &lt;em&gt;Smith&lt;/em&gt;, of course.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T20:09:23.383" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T20:09:23.383" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="204" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="205" CreationDate="2017-06-28T09:00:16.277" Score="20" ViewCount="1148" Body="&lt;p&gt;How should I follow up if a polite request to adhere to the rules is ignored or declined?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;An Example&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dutch trains have special silent compartments (Dutch: &lt;em&gt;stiltecoupé&lt;/em&gt;), where people are supposed to keep quiet — no conversations, no music, no conversations on the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, while sitting in such a compartment, people who don't know or don't care, start talking. I can approach them and politely ask them to be quiet, please, since they're in the silent compartment.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;While most people will comply, some won't and will either ignore me or give a rude reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I follow up? It's not just in the situation described above, it could be neighbourhood kids trying to cut large branches (they brought a &lt;em&gt;saw&lt;/em&gt;) off the tree in front of my house (not &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; tree but a municipal tree), for instance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What do I do when a polite request to adhere to the rules has been ignored or declined?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My preferred outcome would be for the people to cease their unwanted behaviour, but at a minimum I'd like to save face.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(&quot;Please stop that.&quot; &quot;No.&quot; &quot;Oh, okay.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'd like to note I'm not a stickler for rules — at least, I don't think I am — but I would like people to follow them if they align with my personal preferences — a quiet train journey; not having a barren stump in front of my house.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:28:20.113" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T19:28:20.113" Title="How can I follow up if a polite request to follow the rules has been declined?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="204" CreationDate="2017-06-28T09:06:25.963" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't engage with them any further than necessary. It's clear if they don't want to listen to the rules that you aren't going to be able to persuade them. If you're not a person in a position for power or authority (and if you are you can just remove them) then they're probably not going to listen to you without causing a huge fuss or even argument, and even then that might not go in your favour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go and get someone who should be dealing with rule breaking, an officer, conductor or anyone else who has at least some authority and let them deal with it. They probably even have training on how to deal with this type of person, and you could observe and learn from what they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally feel as though there is no point trying to save face in front of that sort of person, they aren't worth your time or effort. If you've explained what they're doing is wrong and they still do it just leave them  to, go and get someone more official, and let them deal with them and take the relevant action. Just as a personal preference I would even reply if they refuse, I would just go and seek the relevant authority/personal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T09:10:37.887" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T09:10:37.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="127" CreationDate="2017-06-28T09:17:23.697" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;On these cases, people generally want to explain themselves. That is, if they are super happy about a movie or series, it is quite likely that they are asking you so that they can then go on and explain how interesting they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what I normally do is: &lt;strong&gt;just ask them about it&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So this is an interesting series? Why? What is it about? I honestly don't like these series much, but please try to convince me and I may try and watch one!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way your point is given (I don't like these) but at the same time, you show empathy by asking them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="153" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T20:12:23.167" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T20:12:23.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="99" CreationDate="2017-06-28T09:22:14.813" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just try with few topics. As others suggested, try and talk about the mutual friend. Then, slide through some related topics:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So John is a great basket player, isn't he? Do you also like sports?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try with some of these hallways of conversations, you may find some motorways in which you may &lt;em&gt;click&lt;/em&gt; with the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="153" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T09:22:14.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="166" CreationDate="2017-06-28T09:23:42.573" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most people should understand that we all have different capacities for social interactions. Some people love being with other people, other people a little less so. Some people are extroverts, others are introverts. Some people have lots of friends, others have a few close friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid stigmatisation, you want to show that how you were when you were depressed was not fundamentally different from this, but just on the lower end of the spectrum. All of us have to make choices about when we socialise with our friends, and not having the capacity to hang out as frequently doesn't mean that you are being selfish or that you dislike them. It's normal to have your desire for social interaction not match your capacity!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;spoon metaphor&lt;/a&gt; could also help. Because of depression, or an alternative like &quot;burn out&quot; or &quot;fatigue&quot; if you don't want to use the word depression, you had less capacity than normal. What the spoon metaphor shows really helpfully is when your capacity is low, every decision is much harder to make than when your capacity is high. There are some relationships you &lt;em&gt;have to&lt;/em&gt; spend spoons on, and when you have done so, you might only have one spoon left for other friends. Or you might have zero. Using the spoon metaphor might help your friends understand why you weren't able to devote as much time to them before as they would have liked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T09:23:42.573" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="210" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="213" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:03:44.243" Score="22" ViewCount="3798" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it happens to me that I am having a conversation with some acquaintance that gets a bit out of hand or unpleasant due to a random comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say I am meeting a friend of a friend. I may say something and he may disdain it in a way that is not plainly rude, but at least out of tone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;- Me: Nice to meet you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - New friend: Nice to meet you, blah blah.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - (...)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - Me: So I like programming.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - New friend: Oh, that's a loss of time. What I like doing is...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a minor lapse of time in which you get the feeling that that sentence was not appropriate and I want to express my displeasure about it, but if I don't do it fast enough, it will sound out of topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I usually do is to ironically smile and say &lt;em&gt;What?&lt;/em&gt;, but I feel that it somehow lacks information for the other to notice that it was not a polite way to approach a new friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any &quot;key sentence&quot; or physical movement to approach these situations, making the point clear that such comments are not appropriate, while keeping the conversation in a friendly tone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="153" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T02:27:22.207" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T02:27:22.207" Title="How can I respond to a false statement when the other person doesn't give me a chance to talk?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="211" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="210" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:06:44.753" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can always try a visual suggestion, such as a raised eyebrow(s) or widening of eyes, which will show the sentence has had some effect on you. If they notice you can tell them that you didn't really appreciate what they said, or perhaps just mention that that is just their opinion, and for many, it isn't a waste of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also interrupt him after he's said what he said, perhaps by going &quot;whoa&quot; or &quot;umm&quot; or some other word or phrase that shows that you didn't like what he said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However it's also worth noting that maybe they might not be a good friend for you, if both of you have a distaste for each other's interests, then you might find it difficult to make conversation, so don't force yourself into an awkward conversation all the time just because you're &quot;friends&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T22:57:48.910" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T22:57:48.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="213" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="210" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:16:37.877" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/211/&quot;&gt;@Crafter&lt;/a&gt; has excellent points, but I would just like to add that if you do cock your head to one side and put on a puzzled or surprised look, you can also come back to that point later in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Say, earlier you mentioned that you thought programming was a waste of time.  What makes you feel that way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, the best is if you can get in the word edgewise, as they say.  And Crafter is absolutely right: if you can't iron out the issues, this may not be the best friend for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-22T07:11:00.850" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T07:11:00.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="214" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="216" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:18:06.697" Score="23" ViewCount="4380" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes you make a new friend who has more free time on hand than you, so the other person will expect more time from your side so asking for more space might be considered as rude or showing fake attitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation, how can you ask them to give you some personal space without hurting their feelings? Especially when you have a lack of time compared to them but don't want to lose them or damage your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="26" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-10-22T05:05:46.943" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T05:05:46.943" Title="How to ask for personal space from a new friend without hurting their feelings?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="215" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:23:57.953" Score="13" ViewCount="17447" Body="&lt;p&gt;While travelling, sometimes I talk with people seated near me. The conversation is either started by them or by me. At the end, some people ask for WhatsApp number or mobile number or facebook id.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Facebook id is okay; no problem with that, and I will give it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But one or two times I gave my number to them and then from next day onwards, I am in their broadcast list. &quot;Good mng&quot; &quot;Good ni8&quot; and that is the message I get daily and it is really disturbing for me to check such greetings/farewell message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people add me to some groups and my inbox always contains more than 1K unread messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I don't want to give my WhatsApp number to such people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could I reject their request politely?&lt;/strong&gt; In such a way that they won't think that I am rejecting their request because I didn't like them. They should think that there are some other reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling that I don't have WhatsApp is not an option. Sometimes I use it but it is not an option anymore because I check my WhatsApp in the journey and they know I have it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T12:49:20.470" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T06:36:38.510" Title="How can I politely reject someone asking for WhatsApp number?" Tags="&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="214" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:26:34.130" Score="8" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Be direct.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't necessarily have to beat around the bush.  You don't have to make assumptions.  Go to them and honestly, but nicely, say something along the lines of the following, bearing in mind that although you &lt;em&gt;apparently&lt;/em&gt; have more time than them, you might not actually, since you may have &amp;quot;less pressing&amp;quot; personal projects that this relationship is pushing out of the picture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say, I really enjoy spending time with you, but recently I've had other time commitments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't want to cut off our relationship, but I'm afraid I can't invest quite as much as I used to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate our relationship, but recently I don't seem to have had the time to invest in it that I normally have.  Just thought I'd let you know, it's not because I don't like you; it's just I haven't had the time I'd like to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps!  :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T10:26:34.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="215" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:28:36.997" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just say it's for work only.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, just say &quot;I'd prefer not to. Sorry&quot;. It's your number, you can give it to whom you like. It's similar to your phone number or address, just tell them you don't want to give it out. If they get offended it's highly unlikely you'll see them again (unless I've misunderstood your conversation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T12:50:12.407" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T12:50:12.407" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="218" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="210" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:30:51.043" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can make some actions in body language to let him know you didn't agree with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Give a doubtful look at him and if he ask you what, then tell him Why you say so? I didn't think like that and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, you can say that &lt;em&gt;It is from your point of view, which I disagree completely.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first one is good but based on situations, you can go for the second one too&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T10:30:51.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="215" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:32:49.853" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm, that's a tricky situation.  If possible, it's best if you convey the idea that your new friend is not alone in the boat.  Since you said Facebook ID is fine, my personal recommendation would be something along the lines of,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah, I don't usually share my WhatsApp credentials publicly.  Would my Facebook account work instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advantages of this approach are twofold:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You make it clear that this is the way you treat everyone, making them not feel &quot;left out.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You leave the door open for them to try another option.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T12:49:54.353" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T12:49:54.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="214" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:35:29.330" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to ask for a personal space without hurting anybody's feelings, you should start with small steps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, we fail to save our personal space just because we don't want to sound rude. Setting boundaries in anger doesn't work at all. Therefore, you must set boundaries politely, but firmly and clearly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also start saying no in small situations, but not in every situation. Say no in situation where you feel it's not that important. This may enhance your confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't feel guilty while doing so. Most of us get back while protecting personal space just because of this. If someone intrudes your personal space, just give him a gentle reminder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T10:35:29.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="222" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="243" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:44:30.717" Score="19" ViewCount="5335" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people have the habit of mass-tagging people on irrelevant posts. Mostly they don't have bad intentions but it's really noisy and I would like it stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to tell these people not to tag me without creating an argument? Even on sites like Facebook you can limit the tagging by making it permission based but you still get a notification every time asking for permission to approve or disapprove whether that tagged post would appear on your timeline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="26" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-07-14T01:58:40.300" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T20:26:30.073" Title="How to politely convey that you don't want to be tagged in irrelevant social media posts?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="223" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="225" CreationDate="2017-06-28T10:45:54.127" Score="17" ViewCount="4453" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a true story. &#xA;I was dining out with a friend and an acquaintance (who was close friends with my friend). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back story: the acquaintance was jealous of how well her friend and I were getting along and seemed to feel threatened by our friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This woman (the acquaintance) was sitting opposite me and I was sitting next to our mutual friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has a habit of spitting sometimes when she talks. She spat and her saliva landed on my plate in my food. No one else noticed this. There was no way I was going to continue eating from that plate, but I wasn't even half way through my meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I handle this? What options can I possibly have besides saying I feel full? Is there any way to bring up the fact she spits while she talks sometimes? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T05:48:29.833" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T11:03:22.757" Title="How to deal with someone accidentally spitting in my food while dining out" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="224" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="223" CreationDate="2017-06-28T11:01:22.700" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A similar thing happened to me too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was eating in a hotel, a person just washed his hand and while walking, he shook his hand and the water just reached my plate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But since it was completely a stranger, I didn't behave politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;In your case&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a friend of your friend. So, If you behave rudely, it will affect the relationship between you and your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you can just tell this to your friend and ask your friend to tell this to the corresponding person later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can directly say &lt;em&gt;You should be more careful while talking. Maybe you didn't notice, but you are spitting while talking.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say it politely because it is a friend of your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T03:21:35.387" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="223" CreationDate="2017-06-28T11:12:04.367" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;What a sticky situation!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a one on one setting, I would be direct and apologetic.  Usually the person will feel a little embarrassed, and I would be as warm and reassuring as I could be, and we could reorient where my food was situated to make sure that everyone is comfortable.  One-on-one, it is often a great kindness to tell people about a problem they are unaware of, as it can save them from future embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a group setting, however, it would depend on how the conversation itself was going.  Some people seem like they would immediately be okay with directness.  In that case, go for it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you don't get that sense, I would say nothing. The risk of a public humiliation is too great.  My options, then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Pretend to examine something on the table, such as the decorative flowers, and pull them over to be in front of my plate.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Wait until the person gets up to go to the bathroom, wait a moment and also get up, and see whether there is some opening in which I can mention this information.  (This is a desperate act)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Say nothing at the meal, pretend I am rather full, and never mention anything about it again, especially to the other people present.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The cost of humiliating someone in front of others is simply too high for the comfort of a single meal.  If the meal is extremely important (ie. before climbing a mountain, or some sort of fasting period) I would just eat it.  People spit on each other's food all the time, and usually no one notices, and people are rarely &lt;em&gt;ever&lt;/em&gt; harmed.  It's icky, but I would just assume that this was one of the regular times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T11:12:04.367" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="226" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-28T11:36:15.483" Score="18" ViewCount="1391" Body="&lt;p&gt;I noticed some people in &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/rooms/61165/interpersonal-skills&quot;&gt;chat&lt;/a&gt; saying there's a big difference between shyness and being introvert:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am both extremely outgoing and extremely introverted. shyness &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; isn't the same thing as being an introvert&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I've always thought of &quot;introvert&quot; and &quot;extrovert&quot; as meaning roughly the same as &quot;shy&quot; and &quot;outgoing&quot; respectively. What's the difference, and how is it possible to be both outgoing and introvert?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="25" LastEditorUserId="25" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T11:58:40.007" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T15:35:41.560" Title="What's the difference between being introvert and being shy?" Tags="&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;&lt;extrovert&gt;&lt;terminology&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="226" CreationDate="2017-06-28T11:52:24.917" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Extraversion/introversion&lt;/a&gt; refers to how your social interactions relate to your mental/emotional energy levels. An extrovert feels as if they gain energy by interacting with people, while an introvert feels like those interactions cost them energy. This question is independent of how much you like people generally, or whether you like big or small groups. You can be an extrovert who only likes small groups, or an introvert who loves being the centre of attention of a big group, but who feels drained very quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had thought that shyness didn't really have a specific meaning, but &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shyness&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt; tells me it does. It covers a range of things including:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;low self-esteem&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;social stress and anxiety, which can be a mental illness&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;social phobias&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would add that some people present as shy as a means of getting attention. This can be seen in children particularly I think. &quot;Oh, poor Johnny won't come out to say hello to the guests. Poor Johnny, we better go check that he's okay.&quot; Many kids quickly learn how to manipulate the adults around them. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Wikipedia pages on both topics don't seem particularly clear to me, which suggests that there's a lot of disagreement over what these terms mean and how they should be used. I think extrovert and introvert are fairly widely used in the way I defined above. I don't think &quot;shy&quot; has much of a consistent meaning at all, and would recommend using clearer alternatives instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T11:58:31.830" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T11:58:31.830" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="228" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-28T12:47:38.700" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Emails are an extremely old (and useful) way to communicate, typically with companies or even between employees of a company. They can also be used for people who are unable to or do not have an instant messaging application. Emails are typically used in a formal context however emails can also be used as an easy way to store messages or attachments for a short time between devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used for questions about communication specifically over email. Can also be used with other forms of communication, as long as there is a specific issue pertaining to email or using email as an option for communicating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For communication via social media, please use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-media&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-media&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-media&lt;/a&gt; tag instead, and for instant/online messaging services please use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/instant-messaging&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;instant-messaging&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;instant-messaging&lt;/a&gt; tag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T18:27:42.287" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T18:27:42.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="229" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-28T12:47:38.700" Score="0" Body="For questions about communication specifically over email. Can be used with other forms of communication, as long as there is a specific issue pertaining to email or using email as an option for communicating. For questions about social media or instant messaging, please use those relevant tags instead." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T18:27:42.287" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T18:27:42.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="230" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-28T12:55:11.927" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Age is the number of years passed since you born.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Age tag should be used only if the question is related to age. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is questions related to your age group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to behave people with a difference in age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="19" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T13:46:30.787" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T13:46:30.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="231" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-28T12:55:11.927" Score="0" Body="Used when age is an important factor within the situation in question" OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T09:42:15.527" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T09:42:15.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="232" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-28T12:58:16.277" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a growing online world, many people interact via social media, whether it be part of work or just a causal thing people do. Lots of people choose to interact via social media, or just use it to follow people they enjoy watching, social media is becoming an easy way to YouTubers or other popular people to interact with their followers by having pages, in addition groups of people with common interests can make groups and share their opinions via social media, recruiting others to follow their hobbies too. There are endless examples of social media, however some of the most common are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Facebook&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Twitter&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stack Exchange&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;LinkdIn&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pinterest&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should not to be used for questions specific to &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/email&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;email&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;email&lt;/a&gt;, where social networking is not addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; should also be used, however this can depend on the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:42:05.557" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:42:05.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="233" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-28T12:58:16.277" Score="0" Body="How to navigate the extensive world of online communication. For any interactions on general sites such as FaceBook and Twitter to more interest defined sites such as Stack Exchange and LinkedIn. Issues surrounding networking, chat rooms, inbox/private messaging, requests to connect. Not to be used for questions specific to email, where social networking is not addressed." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2020-03-09T12:53:16.733" LastActivityDate="2020-03-09T12:53:16.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="222" CreationDate="2017-06-28T13:59:40.617" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Social media tend to make it so easy to tag others by default. However, you can normally handle it by making it harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My approach here is to go through the Account settings and look for a way to manually review these tagging options (see &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.hongkiat.com/blog/prevent-facebook-tagging/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to Control Unwanted Tagging of Facebook Photos&lt;/a&gt; for Facebook).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you may consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If this happens on pictures you feel embarrassed about, just make those private so your other friends cannot see them!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If these people are always filling your main page with such posts, consider asking politely them not to do so. If they continue, just block them!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="153" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T13:59:40.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="235" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-28T14:31:54.687" Score="11" ViewCount="1135" Body="&lt;p&gt;On a Stack Exchange site I moderate, there is one user who repeatedly uses commas instead of other proper punctuation marks in posts, and often writes simple walls of text. At first, people edited the posts and left comments telling the user what their errors were, but the user got upset and stated that they were a non-native English speaker and were unaware of the rules. I suspect they're not used to using the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latin_script&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Latin alphabet&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example of their responses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Im sorry,To be honest i write like this because i dont know how to use commas in my keyboard.I didnt reject your edition on porpouse,I was adding more information...Sorry&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was fairly tame, but came after they were corrected four times in the same post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that not being a native speaker can make communicating harder, but they have been told many times in the past what is the right thing to do, and they seem unable to follow the directions. It's adversely affecting how their posts are being received. I want to let them know that they're not writing correctly, without them getting annoyed. I don't think they don't have cause to get annoyed - I think that they're in the wrong - but I still don't want to seem overly antagonistic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely tell them that they need to quickly change their behavior, without coming across as insensitive or rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should also mention that this user has had other behavioral issues in the past, including asking poor questions, sockpuppeting, and not following other site rules very well. They have been mod-messaged multiple times and suspended. Making questions clearer is one of their major issues, but they do have a history, to put it kindly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="44" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:04:15.343" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T09:19:08.753" Title="How can I politely tell a defensive Stack Exchange user to use proper punctuation?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;stack-exchange&gt;&lt;conventionality&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-08-07T16:30:13.597" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="236" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-28T14:35:48.017" Score="9" ViewCount="735" Body="&lt;p&gt;Connected to my previous question, what do you do at a dance where you know very few of the participants and you have no date?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I ended up doing was mostly standing next to the DJ and modifying the visuals that I had created for the event and thinking about my life. I said hi to some people that I knew, but, they all had dates and I didn't want to interrupt them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dance was not a school dance. It was advertised as an alternative homecoming. There was loud 90s music (the dance was 90s themed), dancing, and refreshments. &#xA;Instead of hanging out by myself and being sad in the corner by the DJ, what could I have done to be more socially active and enjoyable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="72" LastEditorUserId="72" LastEditDate="2017-07-09T13:42:58.647" LastActivityDate="2017-07-10T14:46:00.330" Title="What does one do at a dance without a date?" Tags="&lt;dances&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;teenagers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="10" ClosedDate="2017-07-11T08:23:11.573" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="237" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-28T15:04:08.090" Score="13" ViewCount="753" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just as the title suggests, I tend to say the first thing that comes to my mind.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not really that I talk too much, more that some things I say appear to be 'random' or a bit offensive/awkward, even though I didn't mean them to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to 'think before I speak', but whenever I am relaxed, I forget and do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify, they are more often awkward than offensive. I would like to avoid the awkwardness caused because of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user145" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T03:18:31.013" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T03:18:31.013" Title="How do I avoid saying anything that comes to mind?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;extrovert&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-05T03:17:33.537" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="235" CreationDate="2017-06-28T15:21:23.253" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;From a non-native English speaker's perspective: getting used to punctuation rules in English requires practice, not lecturing. They can't just &quot;change their behavior&quot; because learning takes time, effort, and resources, which may or may not be available to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best approach to this requires stop calling them out in comments, since the only thing you are accomplishing is putting them on the defensive. If you have already pointed them to the right resources, the only thing left for you to do is to keep on editing their answers and wait for them to put in the necessary effort to learn. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="128" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T15:21:23.253" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="239" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="237" CreationDate="2017-06-28T15:37:44.760" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Please focus on being positive.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two questions that popped into my mind as I read your post. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why do you need to reply so quickly?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why do you have to say something negative?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Barring any medical issues, these appear to be just habits that you may consider changing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How about this for a suggestion to get started. &lt;em&gt;Make sure your first comment is always positive.&lt;/em&gt;  By that I mean, when you are in a conversation, say to yourself &quot;If I say anything, it will be positive&quot;. Find that positive thing, and then work it into the conversation. If you develop this habit, it should start you on your way to negating the two things above. If you work at the positive, then you will give yourself more time to rethink any negative kneejerk comments that immediately pop into your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T19:31:14.337" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T19:31:14.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="240" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8852" CreationDate="2017-06-28T15:44:41.197" Score="37" ViewCount="8701" Body="&lt;p&gt;When at a party with my partner, someone was flirting with him and kept putting her hand on his leg. I found myself becoming very jealous, but didn't say anything, and got more and more angry, as he just kept laughing and seemed to enjoy the attention. This anger built up and we argued after the party was over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously this is something that needs to be discussed and worked out between a couple. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be a good way to handle, during the party, without coming across as overly jealous or spoiling the fun mood? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T00:24:55.983" LastActivityDate="2020-06-22T10:55:58.570" Title="How to manage someone flirting with my partner at a party?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="241" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="240" CreationDate="2017-06-28T15:52:52.597" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I've seen couples arrive, give a kiss in the mouth (maybe some words &lt;em&gt;I love you, etc.&lt;/em&gt;), look them in their eyes and its all is needed to deter inappropriate  flirting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other suggestion is talk with your couple and set bounds. Talk to them and say you're feeling uncomfortable seeing them tough you &quot;to your partner&quot;; maybe both can come to a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="50" LastEditorUserId="119" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:27:33.583" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:27:33.583" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="240" CreationDate="2017-06-28T15:53:25.210" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If possible, something should be done while it is happening.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Move. If you are sitting, ask him to get a you drink (or some other request that will allow you both to move). Then, while he gets up and leaves, simply excuse yourself. Once you are both in motion, make sure to end in a different spot. This of course only will work if there's no assigned seating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While he is away, simply tell him how he is making you feel, and ask him to correct the situation. My guess is even a subtle change can alter the conditions that make this situation no longer possible. If movement is not possible, you may have to just whisper in his ear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's quite possible he is simply not aware of what is happening (this has happened to me). Making it known will prompt him (as it did me) to change the dynamic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T16:03:35.427" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T16:03:35.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="243" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="222" CreationDate="2017-06-28T15:58:00.013" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Contact them privately to avoid any potential embarassment. Consider framing your request in the context of why you care about it: &quot;Hey, my timeline is really noisy. Can you avoid tagging me on so many posts?&quot; That will make it clear that you're primarily concerned about that sort of posts and not making any other rejection of them as a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T15:58:00.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="240" CreationDate="2017-06-28T16:01:02.633" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ideally you want to have conversations about this subject &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; it happens. Realistically, unless you want an awkward situation in the moment, you need to clarify expectations in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk with your partner, it doesn't have to be a long conversation, but make sure you both know how the other feels about this. It's entirely possible your partner didn't even realize it was bothering you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in the moment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to get a moment to talk with your partner alone. If they care about you at all, saying, &quot;hey I am pretty uncomfortable with how X is acting towards you&quot; should cause them to adjust how they are responding&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Repositioning is useful (everyone has to use the restroom eventually so it will eventually be possible...)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Changing activities can be helpful, asking your partner to join you to do X instead will break up what is happening&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a note, many guys are oblivious to this sort of thing but women seem acutely aware of when something is flirting or not. Try to not see it as your partner &quot;actively enjoying someone flirting with him&quot; and I suspect it may help with reducing anger towards him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="104" LastEditorUserId="104" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T16:04:31.917" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T16:04:31.917" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="178" CreationDate="2017-06-28T16:04:49.250" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of trying tricks to manipulate him into turning it down, consider having a discussion about the general pattern. The next time you get out of his car, say something like, &quot;Your music is often too loud for me. Do you mind if I turn it down myself if that happens so I don't have to nag you?&quot; or &quot;How do you want me to let you know to turn it down?&quot; You can keep it lighthearted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might be fine with you fixing it yourself so you don't have to bother him. You might end up having some silly hand signal you use to remind him. He might just remember to consider your ears from then on. Whatever strategy you decide on, you'll know that he was explicitly part of the process and that you're not just hoping he'll &quot;get the hint.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T16:04:49.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="237" CreationDate="2017-06-28T16:53:17.990" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I always ask myself whether what I want to say will contribute to the conversation or whether I just want to insert my two cents without a good talking point. If in the first category, then I find a way to work it into the conversation, but more often than I would like to admit, the answer is in the second category and the comment does not need to be said. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The awkward/offensive comments will mostly fall into the second category and if you ask yourself this question you will stop saying these aloud and eventually it will become habitual to ask yourself this question any time you speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T16:53:17.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="83" CreationDate="2017-06-28T17:54:51.980" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe that the answers so far are very much on track.  But, to reflect on you original posting, there seems two points to consider. The first of these is your general point of reminding someone of an &quot;overlooked&quot; (for less judgmental sounding than &quot;ignored&quot;) email.  In general a gentle query as you have suggested (&quot;Did you get a chance to take a look at this?&quot;) seems appropriate in most cases, as it does not suggest that you are suggesting that they are personally slighting you, but rather that they are busy.  The second point here relates to your particular example of a local official.  Here it is helpful to make it clear you realise they have a lot to deal with, but you would really appreciate their feedback.  Make it clear what clarification you are seeking, and why this is important to you.  This limits the time and scope of their response (showing you appreciate their time constraints) and as a politician such clarifications, when the intention and importance is understood, will usually try to be helpful in order to keep a constituent happy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T17:54:51.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="85" CreationDate="2017-06-28T18:06:36.967" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It has been my understanding that in formal situations (business or sales transactions) &quot;You're welcome&quot; is always appropriate. The distinction is less defined in casual encounters.  You open a door for someone, and they say thank you.  Either response seems appropriate.  On the other hand is someone has asked you to go out of your way to do something, saying &quot;no problem&quot; may be disingenuous so use it only if it is true.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T19:56:12.993" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T19:56:12.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="249" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="270" CreationDate="2017-06-28T18:18:05.813" Score="29" ViewCount="2056" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a knock on the door, I answer it to find a missionary who wants to teach me about the &quot;one true religion&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is obvious very early that we have differing views about what the real &quot;one true religion&quot; is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to get into a debate, I just want them to go away. What should I say and/or do? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="51" LastEditorUserId="25" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T21:12:23.223" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T20:22:10.087" Title="How to discourage missionaries?" Tags="&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2019-01-01T16:46:00.597" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="250" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="266" CreationDate="2017-06-28T18:25:56.860" Score="14" ViewCount="1441" Body="&lt;p&gt;Someone I run into occasionally, when we meet, they always takes a pack of gum out of their pocket, takes a piece for themselves, and offers me one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure if they think I have bad breath and want to cover the odor before talking to me. Or if they just have need to have gum in their mouth when talking to me and offer me a piece out of kindness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way it is kind of awkward, should I try and find out why?  If so how do I approach the conversation? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="51" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T10:34:10.170" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T15:25:18.503" Title="A casual acquaintance keeps offering me gum" Tags="&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="249" CreationDate="2017-06-28T18:32:10.880" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have a no cold caller sign. While yes it might irritate them, as long as you're not there for them to express their irritation on, you should be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know it's them you can simply ignore the door, and not open it, you can burn* (or recycle) anything they put through your door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if they still don't get the message, write a note on the door, or perhaps even leave a polite letter for them, informing them that you do not appreciate what they do and have no interest in following their religion, however should you have a change of heart you know where to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they end up being a large nuisance, simply call the police to remove them from your property for trespassing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*By &quot;Burn&quot; I don't mean in a mocking or simple common way, I'm implying that you use the paper given to you as a form of fuel for solid fuel based heating systems (like open fires).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-12T16:11:19.757" LastActivityDate="2017-07-12T16:11:19.757" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="240" CreationDate="2017-06-28T18:34:09.407" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Apart from the aforementioned discussion with your partner, a very simple, subtle, non-confrontational approach is to ask for an introduction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, honey¹ why don't you introduce me to your friend²?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Honey may be replaced with whatever term of endearment you normally use.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Friend may be replaced with whatever context appropriate term, coworker, acquaintance or whatever.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could walk up and introduce yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, I'm &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;insert name here&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;, I see you've met my wonderful husband/boyfriend/spouse/whatever, &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;insert partner's name here&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually in these situations no one means any harm, they simply didn't know the relationship status of the person they were talking to. It can be pretty painlessly defused with a quick introduction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T18:34:09.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="253" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="250" CreationDate="2017-06-28T19:28:31.880" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It may well be useful to find out why.&lt;/em&gt; [From personal experience] There are things that can be done to mitigate bad breath, if it's confirmed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this because, if it is true that you have bad breath, you can richly benefit by this information -- assuming you did not know this already. By the phrasing of your question, it looks like you are not sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;May I suggest a first step to be whether you notice him doing this with others also. This may take some effort, but it may be worth it. If he does, then there may be nothing to bother over, as all you need to do is accept the gum only if you feel like having some. If he does not, then I suggest going to the next step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How does he act if you politely say you are not in the mood for gum right now? If he makes his comments short and leaves, there may be cause for concern. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going back to my first comment at the top, why not remove remaining doubts and visit a dentist. They usually have expertise and machinery that can lead to objective information given to you from a professional who has no reason to lie or spread discussions behind your back. If confirmed, he will be able to give professional advice on a plan of action that has the potential to significantly improve your quality of life. I state this as a last resort because it's usually a pricey option. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T19:28:31.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="249" CreationDate="2017-06-28T19:53:17.463" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The &quot;No Cold Callers&quot; sign is an excellent starting point.  It gives you the way out of having politely informed already that their visit was unwanted.  If they have nonetheless knocked anyway, then you can call their attention to the notice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the door has already been answered, as your post suggests, then without entering into any debate, say politely that you are not interested.  This can be strengthened by an appeal to their own missionary zeal, by noting that you are not the best target for their resources or time, that their efforts will perhaps be more profitably applied elsewhere.  This shows your respect to their efforts, and avoids any theological debate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T19:53:17.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="255" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="63" CreationDate="2017-06-28T20:20:26.263" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Mirroring is one of the components of &quot;active listening.&quot; It indicates an empathy or sympathy with the person you are communicating with.  These mirrored gestures are in some measure a natural reaction when people are in close proximity.  You may have noticed the &quot;contagious&quot; effect of someone crossing their arms, or leaning on an elbow, when several people are in a room together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mirroring of facial gestures such as nods or smiles is also a natural response to true interest, and understanding.  Attempting to consciously mimic facial expressions can give the impression of inattention, however. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mirroring can &quot;break the ice,&quot; but it should be a natural process, not a &quot;staged&quot; strategy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T20:20:26.263" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="256" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="260" CreationDate="2017-06-28T21:04:26.887" Score="8" ViewCount="1175" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the United Kingdom or Ireland, when is it appropriate to offer payment to a friend who has done you a favour?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance: a very close friend gives you a ride to a doctor's appointment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you approach the issue of paying them for their petrol (gas) without:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;1. insulting them by devaluing their good intentions and friendship&lt;br&gt;&#xA;2. taking advantage of their generosity and friendship by not offering?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:22:46.117" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T19:22:46.117" Title="Offering Payment for a Favour" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="256" CreationDate="2017-06-28T21:24:54.913" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You really should never have to pay your friends for favors. Typically they give you favors so that when they need a ride or something they can ask you for help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the benefits of being a nice person and giving favors is that usually people return the favor if you need help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="72" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T21:24:54.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="258" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="286" CreationDate="2017-06-28T21:40:34.800" Score="13" ViewCount="3174" Body="&lt;p&gt;I learned a few hours ago that a friend's dad and step-mom had a life-threatening motorcycle accident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I enquired about his state through SMS (I'm in another country right now) as I think I would have screwed up over the phone (and I didn't mean to be overwhelming for him either).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I managed fine, but it's hard to gauge... I'm also naturally more solution-oriented so emotional support isn't my strong suit...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should one enquire and be 'emotionally supportive' in this kind of situation ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for the medium (phone call, SMS, IRL), what to say (point out the positive aspects, ask the person how she feels, etc.), and when to say it (right when I know it, a few hours after, days). You don't have to apply it to my situation, feel free to give general advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user145" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T07:21:08.063" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T22:00:42.620" Title="How to enquire about someone after they learned bad news?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="259" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="262" CreationDate="2017-06-28T21:59:42.503" Score="14" ViewCount="1047" Body="&lt;p&gt;If one is invited to a friend's or colleague's home for a meal, and they stop to pray before eating, it is generally accepted that as a guest you show a quiet respect to their action, even if not taking part (whether if it is of your own beliefs or unbelief). But how does this work in a &quot;neutral&quot; setting such as a restaurant or public picnic? Should you show the same restraint/silence as in the &quot;guest&quot; situation, or is it okay to begin to eat your own meal, or even carry on a conversation with &quot;third parties&quot; that might be with you? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-06-28T22:50:32.767" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T14:26:58.213" Title="How does one show respect when others pray?" Tags="&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="256" CreationDate="2017-06-28T22:09:29.110" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I generally deal with this &lt;em&gt;ahead of time&lt;/em&gt; rather than after the fact &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; I do something for them they didn't ask for but know they will appreciate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if I need a ride somewhere and I need to ask a friend for some reason, I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you have time on Saturday, could you take me to the airport/doctor/etc? I'll cover your gas for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying this in advance gives the person the chance to say thanks but no thanks for the gas money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not comfortable with this (or if they decline the cash payment), the second method may work better for you - do something else for them. So, if they take you to the airport, buy them a treat when you're on your trip - something small that shows you were thinking of them - and tell them how much you appreciated the ride. Or, if they're helping you move or taking you to the doctor, perhaps offer to treat them to lunch or a movie or a drink since they're taking their time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of this is &lt;em&gt;necessary&lt;/em&gt; but it's really great to offer it so that you don't seem like a help vampire. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this said, if you've done this and they really respond negatively to your offers of payment, respect that and remember it and don't offer again. It's important not to make them feel uncomfortable, too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T22:09:29.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="259" CreationDate="2017-06-28T22:19:20.373" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two cases :  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friends/colleagues/etc are the ones praying, I would remain silent until they finish, as in a guest setting (very few people do extended prayers in a public context anyway, and I tell you that as a believer).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know them, do what you want. Once again, even as a believer, I wouldn't care if all the other tables were praying. I just wouldn't bother them on purpose, but that's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user145" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T14:26:58.213" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T14:26:58.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="259" CreationDate="2017-06-28T22:19:32.187" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even if you are in a public setting, you are still participating in this gathering as a member. I think that showing respect of other people's beliefs will allow you to be seen as friendly to them. The cost you is that you pause for a short period while this religious act takes place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It probably will not be viewed as disrespectful to them. But for the small price of remaining still, you convey the message that you are aware of their needs and you are accommodating it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T22:19:32.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="263" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="235" CreationDate="2017-06-28T23:06:34.273" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given the combination of behaviors I would lean towards being a little more direct and confrontational. If it was just a language learning curve that would be one thing, but if the user is showing a general disdain for the community's guidelines it tells you something more about the user's attitude and intent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who are making a legitimate effort to be apart of a community usually at least try to learn from past mistakes and direct instructions. When it comes to a point where they've already been shown the door more than once, you have to ask if they really intend to do anything differently this time around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once is a mistake, 2-4 times is a learning curve, 5 times and beyond is a pattern. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying that you should be rude, just be direct. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Your post has problem X, and we've already discussed problem X with you here, here and here. I'm not fixing it for you again. Please sort it out.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if it continues to be a problem, consider offering longer stints in the penalty box... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it sounds harsh, but putting your foot down when it's called for is a completely healthy interpersonal skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-06-28T23:06:34.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="264" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="265" CreationDate="2017-06-28T23:15:33.950" Score="9" ViewCount="526" Body="&lt;p&gt;Too often I've been out with friends and one determines they should pay for the group. However, I've never actually done so. This usually happens when I'm out for a drink with one friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When should I offer to pick up the tab or check? How can I tell if someone else plans on picking up the check? If they offer, should I counter offer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="95" LastEditorUserId="95" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T16:32:18.750" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T09:30:34.603" Title="When should I pay for dinner or drinks?" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-06-30T09:47:53.263" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="264" CreationDate="2017-06-29T01:15:55.130" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Great question!  A lot of this depends on the particular situation.  If, for instance, you're a junior on a job and a senior worker (and friend) suggests that you go out for a Pepsi together, if he offers to pay, an &quot;Oh, thanks!&quot; is all that's necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if this among friends whom you frequently spend time with, I personally just try to take on my fair share of it.  In other words, if we go out, say, once a week with four of us, I'd just take the tab once every 3-4 weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, it depends on the value &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; put on the given relationship(s).  If these are good friends, for myself, I'd offer to take it just a bit more often than what would be my &quot;fair share.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to telling if someone else is planning on picking it up - it really depends on the situation again.  If you know the friends well, it's not too bad, but if they're people you don't really know all that well, it could be a bit more tricky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To a large extent, it will depend on your particular area and circle of friends. I'd recommend taking the trouble to observe who usually suggests going out and who usually picks up the tab.  Is there some observable pattern?  Is it usually the person who proposes it that ends up paying?  To a large extent, you can avoid doing something embarrassing simply by observing and doing like other people do.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;*This is a general rule that does not apply in all situations.  Use your good sense.  :)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T01:15:55.130" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="250" CreationDate="2017-06-29T01:17:47.537" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's quite possible they really enjoy gum and feel obliged to offer you some. They may also have a breath issue (or think they do) and pull it out whenever they talk to someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're concerned you may have bad breath, ask a significant other, one of your children or a close friend, but someone you know will be honest with you. Personally, I always ask my children for feedback (they are older teens/adult). I need to choose which one I ask, as I know one of my sons will never tell me if I've put on weight (he doesn't want to hurt my feelings), so I ask my daughter. She will be honest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will solve the issue of the motive of this acquaintance offering you gum. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it bothers you that they continually offer you gum you can say nicely &quot;Please, there's really no need to offer me gum, I never chew it, but thanks&quot; with a simple hand gesture towards the gum - palm facing the gum, to show a physical refusal and a smile to show gratitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="1" LastEditDate="2017-07-01T03:05:50.167" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T03:05:50.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="222" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:28:18.440" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;People don't always know what settings they can use to prevent tagging, notifications and many other features of FaceBook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently I tagged a &lt;a href=&quot;https://stackoverflow.com/questions&quot;&gt;Stack Overflow&lt;/a&gt; friend on &#xA; FaceBook in a photo I thought they might be interested in. The post didn't appear on their timeline, they had their settings set to approve tags.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person inbox messaged me and asked to remove the tag. I stated it wasn't on his timeline so there was no worry. But, he said he didn't want to have to approve or not approve it. Now that may sound trivial, but I respected his notions about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being on the receiving end of such, a polite private message is often a good way to resolve these types of FaceBook issues. Particularly if a person continually is tagging you when you don't want that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T02:28:18.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:32:25.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I just skipped the statement that I forgot their name, and just let them fill the blanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, we meet again, Mr./Mrs. ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And making an expression hinting that I can't remember their name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like others say, it is very common to forget names, so usually, people won't object to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here in Indonesia, we might jokingly &quot;introduce&quot; ourselves to a friend with sarcasm (don't know a more appropriate word). This works in a very casual setting, and is more common in teenagers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Give them a handshake, hold them firmly, and with &quot;naughty&quot; face, say your name&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This often repeated again, and again to reinforce the sarcasm. You can expect them &quot;introducing&quot; themselves to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, (I'm) John...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Hi, (I'm) Bob.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Hi, (I'm) John.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Hi, (I'm) Bob.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:51:14.330" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:51:14.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="269" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="685" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:35:31.183" Score="51" ViewCount="6560" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've kept my phone numbers out of the public domain now, as I really do not like being cold called by businesses or charities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found that I used to try and be polite, but then the person calling me would try to get a foot in the door by persisting with a sales pitch. It's like they have a plan of pitch depending upon which responses of rejection they receive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If some poor unfortunate manages to call one of my numbers I usually retort with an abrupt &quot;How did you get this number?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually they stumble around and say it's a random phone generator thingameybob...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then reply with an abrupt &quot;Take me off your calling list&quot; and hang up.&#xA;In Australia, businesses are obliged to take you off their lists if you request this. In fact there's a website where you can list your number to be taken off these types of lists (I haven't found them to be 100% foolproof).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I manage to end these calls without being rude? It's really not pleasant being so rude to people and I do feel a bit sorry for the person on the other end, as that would affect their day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T05:49:16.510" LastActivityDate="2020-05-11T02:29:41.410" Title="How do I politely end a cold call I've received?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="249" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:43:32.437" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have found that unwelcome solicitors -- religious, political, or otherwise -- usually take a polite &quot;no thank you&quot; and leave.  For a religious solicitor who doesn't take the hint immediately, you can add &quot;I'm comfortable in my religion&quot;, which sends a message of &quot;yes I've thought about this and your pitch isn't going to work&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that it is usually best to not engage with the content of their pitch.  If you debate their claims they'll want to correct your errors, which is going to consume more of your time.  Vehement disagreement can engage them, while clear disinterest sends them away more quickly without being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T20:18:34.273" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T20:18:34.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:45:48.663" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple suggestions that haven't been mentioned yet, but I've found useful for tricking people into giving me their name again:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find some reason you have to write out their name, and ask them to remind you how to spell it.  Note: this approach works less well on names like Bill, James, etc.  :)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Put on a very slightly absent look when talking to them and pull out a random name.  The beauty of this one is that when they correct you, you can look a bit embarrassed and say, &quot;Oh, of course, I'm sorry, I wasn't quite with you.&quot;  The downside is that using this approach twice sounds a bit odd, and if they fail to correct you, you're no closer to the goal.*&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Watch everything that goes through their hands: bills, cheques, credit cards, etc., and listen carefully to anyone talking to them: sooner or later, a person has to let on to their name, especially in a group setting.  I remember one trucker I worked with whose last name I never heard.  It started to get embarrassing, because I knew him too well eventually to ask a silly question like &quot;What's your last name?&quot; - until one day I asked if he minded if I looked at his log book for curiosity's sake.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope some or all of this helps someone!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;*It also yields humorous results if you happened to guess right on.&#xA;  This has happened to me before.  :)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:49:31.307" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:49:31.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="269" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:47:50.273" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually had a problem with this a couple days ago (and obviously in the past). I was busy at the time and muffed it, but I tried to get in the usual spiel I have for such people which boils down to this: &lt;strong&gt;Let them know that their product/service is not necessary for you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this recent case, the caller was asking for donations for a veterans group. I attempted to say the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate the opportunity, but I've already made donations to similar groups within the past year. I'm not interested in donating at the present time. Thank you for your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is almost always true. I'd be more inclined to donate if I hadn't already donated to that subset of group, but if I have, I'm probably not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a for-profit business group, things can be different. I'm less likely to be nice than I would be to a charitable organization. I like to tell them that &lt;strong&gt;I simply don't need what they're selling&lt;/strong&gt;. For instance, if a telemarketing cold caller were to call me selling a magazine subscription, I could say either&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I already have a magazine subscription regarding that topic. I'm not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in that subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, I find I can be truthful by saying that my need is already satisfied, but if I'm not comfortable with lying - and sometimes I am - I'll simply say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not interested in [your product]. Thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any of the above statements are succeeded by a brief pause to let them say something. If they say something like &quot;Okay, thank you&quot;, then I'll end the call. If they continue the pitch, I'll hang up with a &quot;Sorry, not interested&quot;. This is what I failed to do a couple days ago. Vylix suggested adding &quot;I'm hanging up now&quot; in this second case, which is more final and possibly a little nicer than just hanging up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, in cases of cold calling, I end up doing the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Letting them know that I don't need what they're selling and will not need it in the future (in case they try to put me on a mailing list or something).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thanking them for their time, if they aren't too annoying. I find that this can be final without being rude. I especially try to be nicer to folks from charitable or non-profit organizations. Yes, cold calling is generally rude, but some callers have good intentions. Others don't.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ending the conversation. I messed up that call a couple days ago because I let them keep talking. That was A Very Bad Move. Cold calling (and telemarketing) is a case where it may be important to have the last word.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:07:48.270" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:07:48.270" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="273" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:48:49.537" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some people in life that can come across as rude, or can overtly try to be rude to the people around them. Often in these situations it can be difficult to interact with them, reason with them, or just in general be with them. In addition some people can come across as rude without even meaning to when trying to achieve a certain goal or reply to a certain comment in a certain way. Questions here are about how to deal with rude people, but also situations where people come across as rude, and even situations where you may appear to be rude, even when that was not the intention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used with location tags for cultural context, like &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;, and tags to describe your relationship to the other parties, like &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/strangers&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;strangers&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;strangers&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-03-14T21:56:34.793" LastActivityDate="2020-03-14T21:56:34.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="274" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:48:49.537" Score="0" Body="For questions where rudeness is pertinent to any party of an encounter, whether that is the person asking or a third party. Include other tags for cultural context! For questions regarding how to be polite, use the &quot;politeness&quot; tag." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2020-03-14T21:56:34.793" LastActivityDate="2020-03-14T21:56:34.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="275" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:56:06.670" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;By definition, a friend is a person who is within a reasonably close social circle. Friends may share phone numbers, know personal details of each other's lives and enjoy shared activities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Related tags include&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/acquaintances&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;acquaintances&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;acquaintances&lt;/a&gt;, for those people not quite as close&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friend-groups&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friend-groups&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friend-groups&lt;/a&gt;, for issues involving a circle of friends, not just one or two&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/making-friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;making-friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;making-friends&lt;/a&gt;, for situations involving meeting new friends&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-08T17:34:59.280" LastActivityDate="2019-05-08T17:34:59.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="276" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:56:06.670" Score="0" Body="For questions about interactions with friends, people with whom you share personal details of your lives and enjoy shared activities." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:29:47.753" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:29:47.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="277" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="269" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:57:21.030" Score="10" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Hang up.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're on the no-callers list, they have no right to be calling you.  They haven't shown the politeness or the legal sense to check into the rules on whether they are allowed calling you or not, therefore, there's no reason you have to treat them particularly politely.  You don't have to be nasty, but if they're being illegal, you don't have to tolerate them.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships are two directional, and since they aren't treating me as important and frankly my relationship with them isn't all that important, I have no objection to being just a bit brusque.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;That being said...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I enjoy getting a good joke out of cold callers.  A famous one for telephone salesmen is,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does this telephone work underwater?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How much does a call to Mars cost per minute?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretty soon the solicitor gets the point that they are really not welcome, they hang up, and you get a good laugh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;*Please note that I do not know exactly what the no-caller rules are like in your area; I'm writing from a Canada / USA perspective.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T03:06:20.277" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="278" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:59:11.253" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be used with question pertaining to an acquaintance or acquaintances. By definition a person who may be in one of your social circles, or your neighbourhood, you may or may not know their name. You are unlikely to have shared phone numbers or know personal details of their lives nor would have organised to have spent time together doing a shared activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As opposed to a &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:25:42.803" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:25:42.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="279" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T02:59:11.253" Score="0" Body="Questions about people you know but who aren't close enough to be called friends.&#xD;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="17" LastEditDate="2017-06-30T12:12:12.490" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T12:12:12.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="269" CreationDate="2017-06-29T03:01:35.057" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;The cold caller is working through a list, not trying to establish a relationship with you (other than getting your money).  In that situation, &quot;no thank you, I'm not interested -- please put me on your 'do not call' list&quot; and hanging up is not rude.  Yelling at or otherwise abusing the caller would be rude, but a polite &quot;no&quot; is perfectly reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider it this way: the caller, or person knocking on your door, is interrupting you, a stranger.  It's not an equal situation.  What might come across as rude (or at least brusque) to a friend, family member, or coworker isn't necessarily rude to the person &lt;em&gt;who just interrupted you&lt;/em&gt;.  People who solicit for a living know that most people aren't interested and should not take it personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mobile number is unpublished and yet I've been getting an increasing number of junk calls in recent years (from auto-dialers, I assume).  Unless I'm expecting a call, I now send calls from numbers I don't recognize to voicemail.  This is sometimes unsatisfying (sometimes I miss something I would have preferred to answer), but the cold calls sure are frustrating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T03:06:12.503" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T03:06:12.503" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="281" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T03:08:42.620" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be used with question pertaining to a close friend or close friends. By definition a person who is within   close circle. You share and know personal details of your lives and enjoy shared activities. This is about relationships where the person may be a confidante and there is a level of trust bestowed upon the participants, not freely given to most people.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As opposed to an &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/acquaintances&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;acquaintances&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;acquaintances&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:26:56.583" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:26:56.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="282" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T03:08:42.620" Score="0" Body="To be used with question pertaining to a close friend or close friends. By definition a person who is within   close circle. You share and know personal details of your lives and enjoy shared activities. This is about relationships where the person may be a confidante and there is a level of trust bestowed upon the participants, not freely given to most people.  As opposed to an [tag:acquaintances] or [tag:friends]." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:26:08.030" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:26:08.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="283" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T03:23:30.623" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For questions relating to the questioners romantic or sexual relationship. This can be a new relationship or one that has evolved into a long time partnership or marriage and for all types in between. The thing that sets this relationship apart from others is an implied exclusivity, intimacy and trust that is not afforded to other relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:27:30.900" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:27:30.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="284" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T03:23:30.623" Score="0" Body="For questions relating to the questioners romantic or sexual relationship. This can be a new relationship or one that has evolved into a long time partnership or marriage and for all types in between. The thing that sets this relationship apart from others is an implied exclusivity, intimacy and trust that is not afforded to other relationships." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:27:25.593" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:27:25.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="285" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-29T03:36:59.753" Score="8" ViewCount="3641" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 14. Since my family is separated and we moved (by now 2 families, I have moved 8 times) I've experienced a loss of friends and social ability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's normal to sleep from 11 PM to 6 AM or something like that but I perform much better when I am awake during those hours. If I were able to have no schedule and no parents, my norms would be to wake up at 8 PM and go to sleep about 10 AM-12 PM (I can sleep up to around 11 hours). I don't know why, but my mind feels less scattered when I have slept for 8-11 hours instead of 6-7.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mostly live at my mom's place, and she is mad at me whenever I am up all night and sleep during the day. On nights when I go to sleep at 3-4 AM I would naturally end up waking up at about 3 PM, but my mum wakes me up at about 1 PM.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who is &quot;right&quot; and how should I communicate with my parents about this issue so they allow me my own sleep schedule?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="184" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-07-14T02:17:55.523" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T01:52:39.627" Title="How can I convince my parents to let me sleep during the day time?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-15T14:15:08.263" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="258" CreationDate="2017-06-29T03:59:37.487" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally I would wait until I'm sure they're not overwhelmed by the situation - needing to see the doctor, etc. This really depends on the &lt;em&gt;nature&lt;/em&gt; of the &amp;quot;bad news&amp;quot; and &lt;em&gt;your intention&lt;/em&gt;, and your overall closeness to him/her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is an emergency, you might want to &lt;strong&gt;call&lt;/strong&gt; briefly immediately after hearing the news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;State that everything will be alright, and that you will always be there if he/she needs help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not intend (or can't afford) to be that friend who rushed to the hospital, calming him/her down, and staying up with until morning, &lt;strong&gt;wait until at least 2-3 hours&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;after the incident&lt;/em&gt; (not after hearing the news).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is not an emergency, then give a &lt;strong&gt;text&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;confirming&lt;/em&gt; the news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey dude, I heard your mother is ill?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is important to avoid misunderstanding if you misheard the news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then continue asking about their condition&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How bad was it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Optionally you could inquire more (how that happened), but it is up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ensure them that everything will be alright (or similar tone)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure everything will be alright.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Man, I know this is tough for you, but be strong, okay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then proceed to let them know that you will always be available for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, you can always talk to me, 'kay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Optionally, you could offer a help. Financial help will greatly reduce their stress and ease their mind. I've seen sometimes people do this as the very first thing to reduce their stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything I can do for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you need anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need anything, &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; ... talk to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Confirm &amp;gt; Ask about their condition &amp;gt; Reassure &amp;gt; Let them know you're available&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; If he is (only) an acquaintance, you might want to modify the last line a bit or completely omit it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the medium, a call is always better, especially for close friends. Hearing familiar voice will greatly help them through the difficult times. But be prepared to get a long call (but that's a friend for, right?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, text is better handled if you send it the moment you hear the news - it can wait until they have calmed down. But arguably, it may cause them to miss the text altogether because of the chaos. So generally, I advise sending text after several hours has passed from the time of the incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, if you cannot be physically be with them (in another state or country), any method is fine, even Facebook message. The most important thing is &lt;strong&gt;show your support to them through the hard times.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T03:59:37.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="287" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="348" CreationDate="2017-06-29T04:59:54.567" Score="16" ViewCount="13015" Body="&lt;p&gt;When chatting in Social Media or &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;Stack Exchange chat rooms&lt;/a&gt;, I often see other users give some information which I already know. How should I reply?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people use &quot;&lt;em&gt;I know, right?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; or &quot;&lt;em&gt;ikr&lt;/em&gt;&quot; in internet slang. However, that sounds a bit harsh. &quot;Thanks for letting me know&quot; is a possibility but I think it's more for information you've just learned.  Can you use it for information you already know?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can be a substitute for &quot;I know, right?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="137" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-01-21T14:06:13.640" LastActivityDate="2021-03-28T22:59:44.730" Title="How to politely say, &quot;I know, right?&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="287" CreationDate="2017-06-29T05:44:47.427" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you afraid of offending someone, just say &quot;yeah&quot; or &quot;yup&quot;. As &quot;ikr&quot; has been used widely, &lt;strong&gt;I don't think anyone will be offended&lt;/strong&gt; or even realize the sarcastic tone (if you mean one).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you need to state that you already know that? If you want to convey that you (already) understand it, &quot;got it&quot; and &quot;I see&quot; will suffice. If you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to say &quot;I already know that&quot;, just say so, or &quot;ikr&quot;, or &quot;yeah, I know&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T05:44:47.427" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="289" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="269" CreationDate="2017-06-29T06:03:21.760" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find that if declining and saying you have to go/aren't interested simply doesn't work, there are many ways to give hints.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'd like to let you go so you have more time to talk to other people who would be a lot more interested than me in your product. Perhaps your company may wish to take me off your list so I don't waste anyone's time in the future.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a bit passive aggressive, and it uses the mental trick of pretending you're doing someone else a favor, so it's not for everyone. But also, it doesn't HURT anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="185" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T06:03:21.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="256" CreationDate="2017-06-29T06:03:42.670" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an alternative, you could ask them to stop on a gas station on your way to the destination. This is what we do in Indonesia to avoid offending the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;While we're here, let me fill your tank for all the trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pay attention to the gas meter before you do this of course!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a two-way ride, ask on the way back home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T06:03:42.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="291" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-29T06:07:31.907" Score="17" ViewCount="5135" Body="&lt;p&gt;It happened to me many times. While travelling in Bus or Train, the person seated near by me may fall into sleep and slowly put his head on my shoulder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is really unacceptable because I don't want to support a stranger's head and I feel very uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, since he is doing it unknowingly(I mean in his sleep), I don't want to be rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At present, I adjust myself to move a little to other side so that this won't happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I would like to know how should I tell him that I don't like this without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="209" LastEditDate="2017-06-30T07:30:27.807" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T02:05:09.270" Title="How to handle someone who puts their head on my shoulder in sleep while travelling" Tags="&lt;public-transportation&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="287" CreationDate="2017-06-29T06:14:33.283" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may well be a matter of context.  For general conversation, politeness may well call for you to just acknowledge the information you have been given, as there is &quot;no loss&quot; in acknowledging their knowledge. In such a case an &quot;I see,&quot; or &quot;OK&quot; may well suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a matter of importance or a deeper conversation which is en route to be expounded on further, it might then be useful to say that you were already aware of this or that point in order to establish a starting line.  This allows the discussion to progress into &quot;new&quot; areas.  Here a &quot;I know&quot; and perhaps some embellishment or clarification can be appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another &quot;context&quot; however when a person is trying to suggest your ignorance by explaining the obvious.  In such a case the temptation is to react in kind with a sarcastic, or confrontational &quot;I know.&quot;  Here if confrontation is not in your interest, or your desire, then the politeness point again comes into play, with the self-understanding that in stepping away from a perceived insult you are being &quot;the bigger person.&quot; So again the &quot;I see&quot; or &quot;OK&quot; works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T06:52:24.430" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T06:52:24.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="291" CreationDate="2017-06-29T06:18:53.770" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find that constantly moving my position while doing activities will eventually wake them up. Do this gently, and apologize when he/she wake up. Decent person will apologize back instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, did I wake you up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Easiest one is playing with your smartphone or reading books.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can tap their shoulder and say &amp;quot;Excuse me?&amp;quot;. Optionally you can pretend want to take something from your bag below (or above).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T06:18:53.770" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="291" CreationDate="2017-06-29T06:29:07.397" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Posted from the comments (thanks for suggesting I do so), with an additional idea, because I'm not sure of the spacing in your trains. This may allow for possibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you can do is ask them if they need/want someone to wake them at their stop. That's pretty neutral, and it potentially does them a favor, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are also in a window seat, and they are in an aisle seat blocking your way out, you can/should ask if they would like the window seat so&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don't have to wake them and stumble over them at once&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(this is a bit passive aggressive, but it's a valid follow up) you won't have to wake them again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the advantage that maybe, depending on how the train is designed, they will get to rest their head against the window, which isn't super comfortable, but it prevents further awkwardness. (In my case, we were in seats up against the side of the train, so a window seat wasn't an option.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="185" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T06:29:07.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2" CreationDate="2017-06-29T06:42:33.087" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd just say, &quot;I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry, but I have to go&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully repeating sorry enough times will get through to them. My experience with drunk people has been that sometimes they don't process what you say the first time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling them that you have to go is generally considered more polite than leaving without saying anything as you've indicated that you have no choice but to leave (at least that is the consensus in this reddit thread - &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/3pqbje/is_it_terribly_rude_to_just_leave_without&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Is it terribly rude to just leave without announcing a goodbye during something like a informal group/work time?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="127" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T17:35:19.733" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T17:35:19.733" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="63" CreationDate="2017-06-29T07:08:47.730" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Mirroring is a process we do naturally and without thinking about it.&lt;/em&gt;  But apparently, people can be trained to mimic this behavior. But, I would think that it can backfire if done poorly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Scientific research has been conducted on this. But recognizing that this is not an academic site, I will assume that none of us are neuroscientists. Perhaps &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolkinseygoman/2011/05/31/the-art-and-science-of-mirroring/#16625671318f&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article from Forbes&lt;/a&gt; will serve our purposes here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some extracts.  What it is and helps answer &lt;strong&gt;how does it create a positive impression?&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all do it. It’s called limbic synchrony, and it’s hardwired into the human brain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Babies do it even before birth; their heartbeats and body functions take on a rhythm that matches those of their mothers. As adults, we do it when we are talking with someone we like, are interested in, or agree with. &lt;em&gt;We subconsciously switch our body posture to match that of the other person – mirroring that person’s nonverbal behavior and signaling that we are connected and engaged.&lt;/em&gt; [Emphasis mine]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What do studies indicate about the likely reaction of the person who is being mirrored?&lt;/strong&gt; (same source):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s a proven method. In a recent experiment, volunteers were (ostensibly) asked for their opinions about a series of advertisements. A member of a research team mirrored half the participants, taking care not to be too obvious. A few minutes later, the researcher “accidentally” dropped six pens on the floor. Participants who had been mimicked were two to three times more likely to pick up the pens. The study concluded that mimicry had not only increased good will toward the researcher (in a matter of minutes), but also prompted an increased social orientation in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T13:56:00.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="297" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-29T07:19:30.597" Score="12" ViewCount="914" Body="&lt;p&gt;One conversation skill I've heard about is &quot;Active Listening&quot;. What does this mean?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people don't think that I'm a good listener, is this something I can develop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some specific active listening skills I can learn?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T02:46:10.817" Title="How can I learn to be a good active listener?" Tags="&lt;active-listening&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="297" CreationDate="2017-06-29T07:28:07.380" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you can start to pay attention what person in front is saying. Give your undivided attention to that person and acknowledge the message you receive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, &lt;strong&gt;non-verbal communication is also important during a face-to-face conversation.&lt;/strong&gt; Therefore, you must show that you're listening by nodding, giving a facial expression such as smile, and giving small comments such as yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the conversation, &lt;strong&gt;you must avoid distracting thoughts&lt;/strong&gt; and look at speaker, not continuously though. Also provide feedback and ask questions without interrupting. Interruption must be avoided because it may frustrate speaker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T08:35:57.343" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T08:35:57.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="297" CreationDate="2017-06-29T07:34:52.353" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Active Listening&lt;/a&gt; is just one listening technique.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It means you &lt;em&gt;actively&lt;/em&gt; trying to read the message the speaker really wants to convey, by understanding, memorizing, and responding (&quot;Got any question?&quot; &quot;Yes, ...&quot;). In one on one, you might want to interrupt a bit, confirming what has been said (or the actual message).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A must-have skill for active listening is the ability to observe and interpret speaker's behavior and body language. This is important because sometimes the speaker is hiding the real intention, or simply lying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must also show your interest in the discussion to gather more subtle cues. (People tend to slip when they are excited)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is contrasted by &lt;a href=&quot;https://blog.udemy.com/passive-listening/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Passive Listening&lt;/a&gt; which requires little to no response at all (&quot;Hm hm&quot;, &quot;Yeah&quot;, &quot;...&quot; nodding head in interest).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T07:34:52.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="300" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="297" CreationDate="2017-06-29T07:40:22.240" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;“Active Listening” is a widely used technique in counselling, inter-faith dialogue, and conflict resolution. It focuses on what the other communicant is saying rather than how you want to respond. It takes some practice, but has excellent outcomes in enriching communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen, don’t just hear, and be sure to give the speaker positive reinforcement without too many verbal intrusions such as “yes,” and “I see.” This is better done non-verbally, through nods, smile (where appropriate), and posture. Eye contact is also important. It not only allows you to see the non-verbal cues of the speaker, but it gives them a sense of being followed and understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your posture as already mentioned, is an important conveyer of meaning. An active listener tends to lean slightly forward. While a distracted or bored listener may shift positions or pull away from the speaker. An inattentive listener may also “clock watch” or fidget with a pen or other convenient object. So, keep in mind the messages you are sending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, the goal is to actively take-in what is being communicated. Periodically you may want to ask some questions of clarification. These shouldn’t be too frequent, and ideally should not be attempts to direct the conversation. You may also want to use some reflection and summary of what has been said. For example, “so you are saying . . . .” This allows the speaker a chance to correct any misapprehensions, and reassures them that you are on the same general wavelength. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is really useful in these exchanges to remember and feedback some exact points the speaker has made. It shows that you have understood, and that their message was important to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Summarising what the speaker has said is also a good technique, before moving any dialogue along. By restating the main points of the message and reiterating them gives the speaker chance to reflect on what has been said, and if needed to correct the received message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T07:40:22.240" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="301" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="314" CreationDate="2017-06-29T07:56:31.523" Score="25" ViewCount="42161" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This question is based in the UK, with no specific religious or cultural preferences&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often after doing a favour, some people will offer me money to say &quot;thank you&quot; or as some form of compensation, however I don't feel comfortable accepting this money, so usually say &quot;no thank you&quot;. However, in some cases the person in question can be really insistent, repeatedly pressuring me into taking it, even after I've said no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally am really bad at dealing with situation when being put under pressure to do something by others, often eventually giving in to the pressure, so is there any way to politely, but firmly reject the money on offer, or would it simply be much easier (and better for my friendship with the person) to accept the money?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="2181" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T17:27:31.470" LastActivityDate="2021-01-20T17:02:34.353" Title="How to politely refuse money from someone who is insistent?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;pressure&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="303" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T08:05:50.853" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Online interactions usually happen between people that live far apart, even between different continents. Communication can be in real-time (voice/video chat, instant messaging) or it could be delayed (email, forum posts).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether it be interacting with one person specifically over the internet, or interacting with a large group of people online, online interactions can involve communicating via text, voice, or even video chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other tags to consider using include location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; to indicate where the participants are from, and tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; to denote the nature of your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-07-05T18:37:23.050" LastActivityDate="2019-07-05T18:37:23.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="304" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T08:05:50.853" Score="0" Body="Questions related to interacting with others online, including via chatroom, social media, audio/video chat, or any other method of communicating online. Can also be used for long-distance-relationships, or just friends you have met online." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-07-05T18:37:23.050" LastActivityDate="2019-07-05T18:37:23.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="305" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T08:06:40.013" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Parties are a form of &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt;, typically in a set location where people celebrate a certain event of achievement. Questions with this tag involve situations which happen exclusively at parties, and where the event being particularly a party is of importance to the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; should also be used with this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the question is about a general social event, and the party itself has no relevance to the question, then this tag should not be used, instead use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T21:05:23.850" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T21:05:23.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="306" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T08:06:40.013" Score="0" Body="For questions about issues that take place at a party, or at a party-based setting. If the question is about a general social event, and the party itself has no relevance to the question, then use the &quot;social-event&quot; tag instead." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T21:05:36.703" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T21:05:36.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="291" CreationDate="2017-06-29T08:14:31.950" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another good idea is to prevent them falling asleep in a position where they may fall on you. Depending on how much you &quot;like&quot; sitting next to the window, it might best to allow them to sit next to the window, so that they can rest their head on that rather than you. In addition, if it is a common enough occurrence, you can carry a travel pillow to offer to people who look sleepy so that is is more comfy (and preferred) that they lean on the window rather than on you. You could even engage in conversation with them so that they don't fall asleep, or even more sneakily offer to buy them a coffee, keeping them awake and preventing them from falling asleep in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do fall asleep on you, as mentioned above it's probably best to discreetly wake them, either by coming up with an excuse to wake them as you need to move from your seat (to use the toilet or get off at the next stop), or do something in which you move a lot, like reading a book or using your phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T08:14:31.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="301" CreationDate="2017-06-29T08:15:38.003" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;after doing a favour&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is after doing a favour, it is not a compensation. They offer it as a reward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no problem in accepting it but if you don't want to accept and they pressure you to accept it, tell them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It's my pleasure to help people like you. Thank you for offering but sorry I am not doing this for money.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should thank them for the offering and say sorry for not being able to accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="19" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T08:17:53.497" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T08:17:53.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="309" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="310" CreationDate="2017-06-29T08:50:16.427" Score="20" ViewCount="3833" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the United Kingdom, when is it appropriate to offer your seat to someone on a train or bus?  Okay, if someone is in distress by standing through disability or otherwise it seems clear enough. However, I am of a generation that manners dictated that men generally, and younger men particularly, should also offer their seat to women (especially ones who are heavily pregnant), and to the elderly (whatever that means these days). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it still appropriate to make the assumption that such individuals should be offered a seat? If so, how can this be done without coming across as patronising? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T15:57:46.390" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T22:52:46.527" Title="When should I offer my seat on public transport?" Tags="&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;age&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="309" CreationDate="2017-06-29T09:00:53.413" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's entirely down to personal preference. Yes it is generally acceptable to offer your seat to an elderly or disabled person (there are even some seats in places where you &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; give up your seat if a disabled person comes along), it isn't always necessary to offer it to women. If you don't want to offer it to a woman (just because they're a woman) then you don't have to, obviously if they fall into a category mentioned above still offer them the seat (and if they're pregnant) however there is no need to &lt;em&gt;just because they're female&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally wouldn't offer my seat up for a woman just because she's a woman, but would offer it to someone who was disabled, elderly, or pregnant (or in clear distress due to them standing up). The only exception to this would be if they have been standing up for a long time, and you have been sitting down for a long time (and would be okay standing), however this would also apply to anyone of any gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day do whatever you feel comfortable doing, if you feel uncomfortable &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; offering your seat to a woman, then just offer them it, simple as that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to offering the seat, if they are nearby to your location, simply stand up and offer them your seat, you can always say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, do you want to sit down?&quot; &lt;em&gt;while gesturing to the seat in question&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course they may refuse your offer, in which case you are perfectly okay to sit down again (as otherwise if they don't use it someone else probably will so it might as well be you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T16:23:36.573" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T16:23:36.573" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="311" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T09:22:40.003" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Public transport is a key aspect of travelling in every day life. Travelling on public transport involves being in close proximity to other commuters, in a small confined space. While it is usually only for a short time it can be over prolonged times, for example on long coach trips. Some examples of public transport include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Buses/Coaches&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Trains/Trams&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Aeroplanes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Taxis&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being in close proximity to a large group of random people can often cause issues, typically from differing habits (like smoking), or from differing social/religious backgrounds (like what type of expletives they use), and can also bring up other awkward social situations involving people you have never met before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-02T15:44:39.287" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T15:44:39.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="312" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T09:22:40.003" Score="0" Body="Questions about situations that arise while on public transport such as trains, buses, coaches, planes or boats." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:27:12.227" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:27:12.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="297" CreationDate="2017-06-29T10:01:41.847" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a wider awareness of how conversations tend to progress is the first thing needed to break normal habits and become an active listener.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most conversations are not a process of people listening and responding. They are most often a process by which people are waiting for their turn to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people will listen to the general topic of a conversation, it will hook an anecdote or personal reference in their brain and then they will wait for a gap in the conversation to relay that reference/anecdote 'adding' to the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many situations there is nothing wrong with this as it is expected behaviour and if you are entertaining can add to a good feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However if you wish to be an active listener then you must recognise this pattern in order to break it. Check yourself from waiting for your turn to speak and instead  clarify your understanding of what is being said in order to ask relevant questions ensuring that you understand the content.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T10:01:41.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="301" CreationDate="2017-06-29T10:08:42.540" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;In these cases in the past I have either, after resisting the money, simply accepted it because it is polite to accept their thanks however they wish to express it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have offered an alternative 'reward':&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No, no. It's fine. I'd prefer you kept your money, just buy a me beer next time we're out or something&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives the person a way to accept your rejection of their money by feeling that you are willing to accept their thanks but in a payment of a different form.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus the social contract feels fulfilled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-30T09:14:06.650" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T09:14:06.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="316" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T10:44:29.030" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Questions related to interpersonal acts during the time spent in cars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="44" LastEditorUserId="44" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:26:30.070" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:26:30.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="317" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T10:44:29.030" Score="0" Body="Questions related to interpersonal acts during the time spent in cars." OwnerUserId="44" LastEditorUserId="44" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T13:27:17.453" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:27:17.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="319" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T10:50:09.000" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This tag is for questions involving people who are stubborn, uncomprehending, or otherwise difficult to communicate with. Don't use this as a generic &quot;difficult situation&quot; tag; use it when you believe the other person is intentionally being difficult and/or there is a personality conflict that makes it difficult for you to interact with them. If you use this tag, be sure to explain your history with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't use this tag for situations when the corresponding individual causes interpersonal issues as a result of a physical or mental condition. Instead, use or create appropriate tags, e.g. &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/autism-spectrum&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;autism-spectrum&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;autism-spectrum&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="44" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-06-10T13:27:22.420" LastActivityDate="2019-06-10T13:27:22.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="320" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T10:50:09.000" Score="0" Body="For questions involving people who have shown a tendency to be stubborn, uncomprehending, or otherwise difficult to communicate with. Use this tag for issues like personality conflicts, not for difficulties arising from a physical or mental condition." OwnerUserId="44" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-06-18T16:57:09.167" LastActivityDate="2019-06-18T16:57:09.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="237" CreationDate="2017-06-29T12:42:47.800" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to do this sometimes and I find that generally, instead of loudly making a some somewhat clever insult/suggestion that would offend someone, I just stay quiet until I have something reasonable to say. They say that silence is golden or whatever. When I am not speaking, I find it easier to pay attention to the conversation and then I usually come up with a better point then my random somewhat funny, but, offensive insult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only side effect to this method is sometimes you just really wish certain people who won't stop talking could shut up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="72" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T12:42:47.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="237" CreationDate="2017-06-29T13:05:50.860" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like an impulse control problem and this might be overkill as an answer, however - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are serious about changing your behaviour then it could take some time and effort. I'd start with keeping a diary of your emotional state within social situations and recognising which emotional states and which social situations are more likely to create the behaviour that you don't want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you are looking for are early triggers. Things that will mark this type of behaviour within you in advance giving you an opportunity to change your patterns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can start with dealing with the problem - if you recognise that it is an emotional reaction or reaction to stress then you can look at stress handling methods, emotional regulation methods in order to take control over your choices and actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or perhaps it requires a more mechanical method like ensuring you count to 3 in these situations before saying anything. But once you know your triggers it is easier to put yourself in this mode where you question what you say without having to be in that state at all times. You learn to catch it early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am definitely not a therapist, and if it is an impulse control that is effecting your relationships or creating undue stress on you then it may be worth talking to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) practitioner. It has handy methods around impulse control and choices&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T13:05:50.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="323" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-29T13:47:46.547" Score="12" ViewCount="2095" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when my friends/colleagues (2-3 people) and I travel by train there is another group of people who play songs on their mobile phones without using headphones and on full volume.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of us (as well as other passengers) get disturbed by the loud music, however, they are a large group of people (around 5-6 people), so we can't be rude towards them in order to get them to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, how can we ask them to stop the music, without making a problem or being rude?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the moment, we move to another place on the train or sometimes, in retaliation, we play music even louder than their music (&lt;em&gt;this is not a solution but we are doing so only to disturb them as they disturb us&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T17:48:38.793" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T10:40:31.853" Title="How to ask a large group of people to stop playing loud music on a train" Tags="&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="269" CreationDate="2017-06-29T13:59:53.883" Score="23" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's like they have a plan of pitch depending upon which responses of rejection they receive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. They usually have a script to follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the late '90s, the Dutch privacy artist EGBG (real name Martijn Engelbregt) &lt;a href=&quot;https://egbg.home.xs4all.nl/counterscript.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;created a counterscript&lt;/a&gt;, which you can use to derail the caller from their script by asking questions yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The completed forms are (still) supposed to be sent to EGBG, who &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.egbg.nl/artikelen/English/Counterscript/2006-02-02_independent_E.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;had received about 15,000 of them by 2006&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This counterscript does two things for you. First, it is a good example of the kind of scripts telemarketers may use.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Additionally, and this is your goal, it may derail the caller from &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; script enough to have them give up, without having been rude — you're just having a pleasant conversation, asking questions just like the telemarketer had planned on doing. I remember from (Dutch) newspapers at the time that some telemarketing companies even had devised counter-counterscripts, because their workers found it difficult to get back on track.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://egbg.home.xs4all.nl/counterscript.gif&quot; alt=&quot;counterscript&quot;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-11-01T16:44:44.003" LastActivityDate="2018-11-01T16:44:44.003" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="309" CreationDate="2017-06-29T14:52:03.357" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One should offer one's seat to people who are clearly &quot;weaker&quot; (or in a weaker position) than you are. These include 1) pregnant people, 2) disabled people, and 3) older people (unless you are in one of these categories yourself).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also offer a seat to someone not in the above categories who is &quot;struggling,&quot; and men might offer seats to women, but that is more discretionary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T14:52:03.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="297" CreationDate="2017-06-29T14:54:45.340" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A &quot;passive&quot; listener &quot;hears the other person out.&quot; That is an important, and underrated skill, and you can make a good start by doing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An &quot;active&quot; listener not only hears the other person out, but responds to, or &quot;plays back&quot; what the person is saying. If done properly, it is conducive to &quot;interaction.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T14:54:45.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="327" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="264" CreationDate="2017-06-29T15:01:04.167" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ultimately the &quot;considerate&quot; thing to do is what the other person wants you to do. So you should &quot;offer&quot; to pay, and if &quot;overridden, let the other person pay. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you can do with someone who is paying is say, &quot;I'll get that the next time.&quot; That way, you fulfill the social contract while letting the other person pay this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T15:01:04.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="240" CreationDate="2017-06-29T15:03:53.227" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;One time, a man began flirting with my date. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I approached &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; date (actually one of my &quot;exes,&quot;) and told her that I did not appreciate the attention her date was paying to mine, &quot;and more to the point, it's not in your interest either.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the man's date found a way to distract him and order was restored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T15:03:53.227" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="323" CreationDate="2017-06-29T16:04:40.723" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well firstly you've already made your own life harder. By playing your own loud music, not only are you disturbing even more people on the transport, but are also acting hostile towards the other group, trying to &quot;compete&quot; with them. As a result of this, a direct contact between you (i.e. asking them to stop) is something I wouldn't recommend or something that would go down very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, move somewhere else. If there's other carriages which you can go on go on them instead, away from where you can hear the noise. If there aren't any other carriages then simply move as far away from them as possible, then use your own headphones to listen to music, this prevents you hearing their noise and using headphones prevents you disturbing others too. Of course you could always enjoy the music they're playing, if you don't mind listening to it just get along with it and enjoy the free music being provided, you shouldn't be looking to create unnecessary conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if you absolutely &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; ask them to stop, it's best to take a few things into account:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How many people are being effected compared to the number of people that don't mind it?&lt;/strong&gt; If the people who don't like it are the minority, then you'll most likely have to lump it as the majority of people on the train won't really mind.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Can you get someone else to ask them to stop?&lt;/strong&gt; Preferably get a conductor or some other employed person who works on the train (i.e. their job is to check tickets or whatever, I'm not sure how the travel system works in India), as they will have more authority to ask them to stop. If you can't, find another passenger not part of your group to ask them to stop. As you've attempted to &quot;compete&quot; with them by playing your own loud music, getting a third party (or just someone that hasn't tried to act hostile towards them) will most likely be more effective in getting them to stop the music.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Would it be even wise to attempt to ask them to stop?&lt;/strong&gt; You've mentioned yourself that &quot;So we can't be rude to them.&quot;, so that implies that doing so will result in some argument, and if asking them to stop is likely to result in an argument, don't do it. Just bear it, and do some of the above steps, the fact that you're able to play your own loud music means that on some level you are okay hearing it (as you're doing what they're doing, but worse, and seem to be okay doing it). Even if it means taking a different train or something like that, getting into an argument, especially with a large group of people, is something bad. Even if we provide the best way to talk to them that we claim is guaranteed to work, never underestimate the things people in large groups will do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T16:04:40.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2" CreationDate="2017-06-29T16:22:22.430" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bumping into someone who is drunk should probably be handled the same way as bumping into anyone. A simple apology and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person gets hostile, or belligerent, a joke can often defuse things. Drunk people, like most people, like to laugh. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, sorry man. Just trying to get to the bar/pub before they run dry.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sort of approach offers a sense of drinking comradery that drunk people often respond well to. Sort of a &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;sorry, my drunken friend I'm on my way to get drunk too.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that a drunk person is enjoying their drunkenness and often would rather be on their way to their next drink, if you pretend to be doing the same, you become relatable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="8368" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T07:31:02.030" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T07:31:02.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="323" CreationDate="2017-06-29T17:29:10.330" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from India too... There is no way anyone would listen. Even the police couldn't do anything if they tried. I've had a similar experience. I add on to the answer given by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/329/21067&quot;&gt;@Crafter0800&lt;/a&gt;, as one with a little bit of insight on Indians, and their normal temperament.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you've already done something, and they haven't reacted to it, your only hope is to sit in another compartment, or perhaps to tell them to play music a little softer than they normally do. By playing your own music even louder than theirs, you have strained any chances of getting them to stop by just politely asking them. That was not a good thing to do at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I would still recommend you to ask them, at least once, to lower the volume, with a few 'pleases' and 'sorrys' inserted, so that they don't take offense. If they stop, then you're in luck, but if they don't, and get agitated, do yourself a favour, and quietly move to another compartment with your friends, and try to avoid these people. If there is any kind of argument, the other group will definitely have an upper hand, due to their larger number. &lt;strong&gt;Absolutely do not get into an argument/fight.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a word of advice, in best of interests, please don't let your ego come in the way, as it might further aggravate the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-22T10:40:31.853" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T10:40:31.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="269" CreationDate="2017-06-29T17:43:08.890" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no need to be &quot;polite&quot; to someone who is calling you despite your being on a &quot;do not call&quot; list, which is basically illegal. There's no need to worry about their day, since if they are caught, they (or at least their company) could be subject to heavy fines. On the other hand, there is no need to go out of your way to be impolite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as I've heard what they are about, I say, &quot;we're not interested.&quot; and hang up. That gives them the &quot;courtesy&quot; of hearing your posture, and an unmistakable sign of such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T17:43:08.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="285" CreationDate="2017-06-29T20:38:30.207" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm thinking about this from a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.cnvc.org/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;compassionate communication&lt;/a&gt; perspective.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think trying to figure out who is &quot;right&quot; isn't useful here. Instead, &lt;strong&gt;understand why she is waking you up, explain to her why you want to sleep in, and come up with a strategy together to meet &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of your needs.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's focus on your mother, since she's usually your caregiver. You're in a situation where your mother has authority over you and you want to convince her to change the way she's behaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a situation where you and your mother have different needs. It sounds like you seek the freedom to make your own choices and the comfort of feeling like you've gotten a lot of sleep. Your mother, who is responsible for looking after you, might want to protect your health, give you practice with a &quot;normal&quot; sleeping schedule that you can maintain when you have work or school, and get more of a chance to see you while you're awake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you understand &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; your mother wants you to wake up earlier than you want to, you'll be better-equipped to suggest a strategy that suits both of your needs. Talk to her and find out why she's waking you up, and explain to her what your needs are (that you feel better with more sleep, like staying up late, and want to make your own choices). Once you both feel understood, you're in a place where you can discuss approaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't come into this conversation to try and convince her of a certain solution. You need to arrive at a decision together that meets both of your needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember: right now she's responsible for you: financially, ethically, and (in some places) legally. One reason why parents deny their children freedom and agency is that if their children mess up then any consequences are the parents' fault... and usually, parents feel very bad if their children are hurt or otherwise suffer bad consequences. So even if it seems like your sleep is none of her business, she may care about it more than you might assume at first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastEditorUserId="17" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T20:54:48.120" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T20:54:48.120" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="335" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T20:58:16.833" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Conflicts can occur between people, and often they do not end well for either party, which is why conflicts should (usually) be avoided at all costs. However, some people cannot help but get involved in a conflict, or some people can be caught in one unintentionally. Questions here should be about people who have found themselves either in a conflict, or involved in one, and how to deal with those conflicts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your question pertains to the prevention of a conflict, then you should use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/conflict-aversion&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;conflict-aversion&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;conflict-aversion&lt;/a&gt; tag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag can also be used with other tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friend&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friend&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friend&lt;/a&gt; if the conflict is with a friend, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-24T16:50:13.537" LastActivityDate="2019-05-24T16:50:13.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="336" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T20:58:16.833" Score="0" Body="For questions with regards to conflicts, such as how to deal with them or how to get involved with one. This tag is typically used for situations where there is already a conflict. If your question covers a potential conflict (possibly about to happen), please use the conflict-aversion tag." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T17:18:25.983" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T17:18:25.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="337" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T20:59:00.950" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag, it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average European person. Furthermore this tag should not be used in conjunction with tags of European countries (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;, as if a more specific tag can be used it should be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T15:49:28.797" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T15:49:28.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="338" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T20:59:00.950" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in the European region, more specifically when it is not necessary to use country-specific tags (such as [united-kingdom])." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2020-01-12T19:33:45.237" LastActivityDate="2020-01-12T19:33:45.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="339" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T20:59:41.983" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Money is a key part of every day life, used to sell or buy goods or skills. Money can cause rows and issues, and questions here involve problems where money is a key component of the problem, either by offering it to someone else or having someone offered to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should also be used with tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T09:38:58.540" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T09:38:58.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="340" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T20:59:41.983" Score="0" Body="Questions involving money, either the giving of or or the receiving of it, or how to handle money as a group." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-30T12:12:24.717" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T12:12:24.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="341" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T21:00:18.570" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region or culture and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average American person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:53:45.740" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:53:45.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="342" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T21:00:18.570" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in the United States, or American culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T20:33:13.667" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T20:33:13.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="343" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-29T21:01:18.033" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average British person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:22:47.193" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:22:47.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="344" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-29T21:01:18.033" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in the United Kingdom or British culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:52:44.437" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:52:44.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="345" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-06-29T21:35:04.347" Score="5" ViewCount="923" Body="&lt;p&gt;In &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.cnvc.org/about/what-is-nvc.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Nonviolent Communication&lt;/a&gt; and other communication frameworks, there's the concept of having &lt;strong&gt;responsibility for your own feelings and needs&lt;/strong&gt;. In other words, if you want something from others, it's your job to ask for it. If they're not willing to help you, you should find another way to get your needs met instead of trying to manipulate or force them into satisfying your request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, there's also the moral concept of having &lt;strong&gt;accountability for your actions&lt;/strong&gt;. If you do something that hurts someone, you are accountable for that pain. If you're willing and able to stop hurting them, you have a moral obligation to try and do so. However, this seems to be in conflict with the first concept: by being accountable for hurting others, you are (in a sense) taking responsibility for their feelings and needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should one reconcile these things? If something you're doing is painful to someone else but isn't otherwise wrong or harmful, should you hold yourself accountable for the consequences? Or is it their responsibility to deal with it on their own, making whatever requests they wish? How do you decide which principle wins out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples of this sort of conflict:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You and an ex-partner frequent the same bar. You know they find it unpleasant to be around you but they haven't asked you to stop. Should you adjust your behavior?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're going through some depression and are engaging in self-destructive behavior that your friend finds hard to watch. Should you hide it from them, or trust that they will make a request if necessary?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're going to a family gathering where relatives have conservative ideas about proper dress. You only feel happy in more permissive clothing. Should you wear something you dislike to avoid offending people?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for answers that offer a general approach to resolving these dilemmas, not solutions to a specific one of these examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastEditorUserId="17" LastEditDate="2017-06-29T22:37:14.503" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T16:40:09.880" Title="How to be accountable for your actions but not responsible for others' needs?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;responsibility&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-07-08T16:02:29.783" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="345" CreationDate="2017-06-29T23:18:17.987" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Taking responsibility for your own feelings and needs and having accountability for your actions aren't at odds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These concepts are likely intended to be helpful tools in regards to managing your own behavior and relationships. Basically they're frameworks for how you could, or should, conduct your interpersonal relations, not how other people should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking responsibility for your own feelings is the acknowledgement that no one &quot;made you feel this way&quot; they may have done something, but you decide how to react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having accountability for your actions, is the acknowledgement that you should at least try not hurt others and understand that you're responsible if you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But neither case encourages you to map your personal philosophy onto others. You don't have the right or the ability to do so, so don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So effectively these two ideas aren't in conflict. One recommends a way to manage your own feelings, and the other recommends that you not harm others and take responsibility when you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as the specific examples go... Well unfortunately, like in a lot of situations, you have to weigh your comfort and needs against those of others. Hard rules rarely work, probably better to deal with them on a case by case basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T23:18:17.987" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="309" CreationDate="2017-06-29T23:27:16.247" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the UK on much public transit, you may see a sign like this near the entrance of the vehicle:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/muzEcm.gif&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/muzEcm.gif&quot; alt=&quot;Priority seating in UK&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The text reads:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Priority Seat for people who are disabled, pregnant or less able to stand&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The images represent a pregnant woman, a skirted individual carrying a small child, and a person with a cane.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until recently, I tended to avoid the seating area labeled as above so that I don't have to get into this exact situation. If this is the only place available for you to sit when you get on the bus/train, take it without concern but be prepared to move (without attitude) without being asked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the bus/train is very full and all of these seats are occupied and you see someone in need looking for a seat, feel free to offer it, particularly if they fall into one of the three categories on the sign. I've personally offered a seat to people not in these categories in the past, often when I'm nearing my stop or if they really seem to want a seat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pregnant women often have issues with balance, so being able to sit on a moving vehicle saves them from the risk of a fall. Elderly individuals start to have issues with balance, too, and may get tired easily. Particularly if they use any sort of walking assistance, offer them a seat. Be aware, too of riders who have disabilities that may not be immediately apparent, such as the blind. Having a spot near the entrance can make it much easier for them to use transit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One group that hasn't been mentioned in your question is people with small children. Particularly infants and children under three, it can be very considerate to offer seats to the parent (with their child to sit in their lap) as squirmy kids can be a handful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In general&lt;/strong&gt;, as someone who has been pregnant and has a small child, I have never felt patronized when someone offers me their seat... which I think is where your question goes wrong. Being polite - if it is sincere - is always an appropriate action. Unfortunately, you can't control how others respond but if they respond in a way that is haughty and disdainful of your action, that is &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; problem, not yours. Don't let their ill-mannered response make you feel poorly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-30T08:26:24.730" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T08:26:24.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="348" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="287" CreationDate="2017-06-29T23:41:46.703" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe I'm out of the loop but I was always of the opinion that &quot;ikr&quot; means &quot;I feel the same way&quot;. I was taught as a kid not to say &quot;I know&quot; because &quot;it's rude&quot;... I'm not sure that's true but it's given me the chance to find lots of alternates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Urban Dictionary page for &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=I%20know%20right&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;I know, right&quot;&lt;/a&gt; seems to agree with this. The top definition is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's complete agreement in what is being said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, alternates would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I completely agree.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I've always felt that way, too.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I feel the same way.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  We're on the same page.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that all of these imply to some degree that you already know what they're saying and if you want to be clear, you can combine them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I completely agree... actually, I've always felt that way, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted, these are somewhat more formal than &quot;IKR&quot; or &quot;I know, right&quot;. But if you are in a sufficiently informal situation you can probably simply say &quot;IKR&quot; or &quot;I know, right&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-06-29T23:41:46.703" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="193" CreationDate="2017-06-30T00:13:01.590" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm on the autistic spectrum too, sometimes understanding why neurotypical people do the things they do helps me to deal with them... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be an oversimplification, but to my understanding saying &quot;it's ok&quot; or &quot;no problem&quot; upon receiving an apology isn't the same as saying that there was no reason to apologize. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In English at least, saying &quot;no problem&quot; seems like a less formal way of saying &quot;I accept your apology, and I don't intend to hold a grudge&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, basically phrases like &quot;it's ok&quot; or &quot;no problem&quot; are more about informing the offender that you don't intend to hold a grudge, or perhaps more directly put, that you don't expect to have problems with them in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;English uses a lot of informal phrases that may seem odd, but they make some sense socially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, if someone ran into you and said &quot;I'm sorry, my mistake&quot; and you responded &quot;Yes it was your mistake and I accept your apology.&quot; You'd likely be perceived as rude, or at least a little passive aggressive, for saying &quot;yes it was your mistake.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand saying &quot;It's ok&quot; conveys roughly the same meaning, but avoids the negative perception by using informal language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really insist on using formal language &quot;I accept your apology&quot; works just fine, but the formality will likely sound odd to people as it's usually reserved for much more serious offences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="2658" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T16:50:12.263" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T16:50:12.263" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="309" CreationDate="2017-06-30T02:19:52.793" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If even offering a seat seems awkward, there are other things to try. This may be more how than when. Also, I am in Chicago, but I think these techniques don't seem specific to Chicago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm on the bus, I'm able to see who is boarding, and if someone who needs the seat more than me (for instance, they have a few bags) or a family with young kids is coming on, then I try to move away from my seat. Especially if the one next to me is open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be awkward to offer a seat outright, but if the family sees an open seat, then they feel free to just go and take it--as they should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often sit in handicapped priority seats on an empty bus, but I look out for people who actually need them if it fills up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also more likely to give my seat up if my stop is near, whether on the bus or train. I think it's acceptable to offer a seat and ask if someone is going to be on the bus for a while. That can shift the offer from seeming like &quot;I'm more able than you, aren't I nice giving you a seat&quot; to &quot;I'd like to pass the comfort on. I've enjoyed sitting enough.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="185" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T02:19:52.793" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="297" CreationDate="2017-06-30T02:46:10.817" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that was a barrier to me being an active listener was that I worried too much about overactive listeners who would just seize on a point and be a bit nasty, and I did not want to be like them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect you already know things not to do, like making an annoyed noise or rolling your eyes or saying &quot;WHAT&quot; or anything like that. But it's tough to find positive stuff to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To a certain extent, some people aren't worth actively listening TO. This sounds harsh, but there are people who talk badly about other people or use gratuitous profanity or tell you what you need to think. Giving them too much energy (and some people WILL be a drain) means you may not have the energy to actively listen to other people that deserve it. So knowing when people are using me as someone to talk &lt;em&gt;at&lt;/em&gt; instead of someone to talk &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt; helped me. I don't know if I can give advice how to tell people to back off if they are gossiping or badmouthing others or taking 15 minutes to complain about their day, but I was relieved to know I didn't have to put up with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More positively, certain gestures work for me, for instance, putting my finger up at the end of someone's sentence, so I can say &quot;I followed you until then, but I didn't understand that last bit.&quot; And letting people know they can do the same for/to me. I find even saying something like &quot;I'm not good at small talk, but when you have something important to discuss, I want to give you my full attention&quot; helps provide trust for later conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have certain neutral stock interruption phrases like &quot;Should I google/already know (term X)?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be more active with someone you work with, maybe you can email them afterwards to ask what sort of interruptions they're comfortable with, because they had a lot of interesting stuff to say, but you still had questions. It seems like a bit of awkwardness at the start, but it will avoid a lot later. If they make fun of you for it, you have a right to go to HR or a manager and explain things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I think one thing that helped me participate better was not to frame things as &quot;how do I make active listening/jumping in the least awkward it can be&quot; and instead &quot;how do I say something to avoid a lot of awkwardness later?&quot; Treat it as an investment of time and energy, instead of avoiding doing something stupid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="185" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T02:46:10.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="353" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="354" CreationDate="2017-06-30T05:48:25.077" Score="16" ViewCount="5059" Body="&lt;p&gt;I travel with public transportation quite a bit, and I read a lot while commuting too. While I don't mind being asked what book I'm reading, other people might. I'm always on the lookout for new authors, but I know that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;some people might not want to be bothered&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;some people might feel patronized if they ask back and I am reading a tougher book than they are (I often read tough books on the train because there are no computer distractions at home)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just trying to look at the book to catch the title/name is, of course, awkward in its own way. Potentially staring at people is not cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this seems like something I shouldn't overthink. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to know the title and author, but I do not want to be seen as obtruding or a stalker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: How to ask - politely and not disruptively - for the title of the book that the person in front of me is reading?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="185" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-06-04T14:23:19.433" LastActivityDate="2019-06-04T14:23:19.433" Title="How can I ask reading people in public transport for the title of their book?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-12-07T14:41:37.530" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="353" CreationDate="2017-06-30T06:44:39.000" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, this is not considered impolite to ask what book your co-passenger is reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use regular polite words to ask starting with &lt;em&gt;excuse me&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;pardon me&lt;/em&gt;. For eg.,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me. May I know the name of this book you're reading?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me. This appears to be an interesting book. What's the name of this book?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, you can ask for more information about that book. However, you must not invade the personal space while asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T06:44:39.000" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="355" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="359" CreationDate="2017-06-30T07:12:16.857" Score="21" ViewCount="1492" Body="&lt;p&gt;In real life or even on the Internet, there are many occurrences when you can't agree with the person standing next to you and want to move on from the conversation without agreeing or surrendering. I used to say this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Let's agree to disagree.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this sounds a bit rude and sometime the opposition side still continues after it (especially on SE discussions). So how can I convey &quot;Let's agree to disagree&quot; in a more polite and effective way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="26" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T06:47:50.917" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T03:00:41.420" Title="How to express the statement &quot;Let's agree to disagree&quot; in a polite and more effective way?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="353" CreationDate="2017-06-30T07:42:33.257" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;We can't always predict how people will react to asking such questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, ask the name of book at first is inappropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First you should say a &amp;quot;hi&amp;quot; or something and see how they react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If their response indicates that they are not disturbed by your question, feel free to ask the name of the book and the details of the book you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, you can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I am very much interested in reading myself. Can you please tell me the name of the book you're reading?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Ask all the details at once.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are all the information you needed, ask it once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't ask periodically, because it will disturb their reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T08:02:31.277" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="357" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-30T08:35:52.090" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-06-30T08:35:52.090" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T08:35:52.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="358" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-30T08:35:52.090" Score="0" Body="Questions about improving yourself as a person, working on flaws in your personality and helping improve your interpersonal skills." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-30T12:19:42.920" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T12:19:42.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="355" CreationDate="2017-06-30T09:02:07.770" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don't actually disagree (any more) and wind up that thread of conversation in favor of something else.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There could two (or more) possibilities as to whether the person wants to keep talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may think you do not understand his point well (or well enough). If you haven't already, simply say you understand. Or take all doubt away, and summarize what he is trying to say. You can do this without indicating at all whether you agree with it or not. You are simply stating or proving you understand their point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, they may think that continued discussion might change your mind. You can manage this by not being the second person in the conversation. Stay silent on this thread of conversation (or wind it down). You can change the subject. You may elect to simply excuse yourself because you have something to do (like go back to work, go get a drink, go to the bathroom). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, the key is to tactfully conclude the exchange or simply to stop being one of the parties to the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T09:02:07.770" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="360" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="361" CreationDate="2017-06-30T09:05:59.997" Score="11" ViewCount="508" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This question is based in the UK&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(By &quot;in-public&quot;, I'm referring to being around other people in general public places such as parties or cafe's, or on a train too)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often in public I need to blow my nose, however I personally find it awkward, and feel it weird when other people do it. Is there a &quot;standard&quot; that you shouldn't blow your nose in public in certain situations? And if so, how should you deal with needing to blow your nose in those situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:36:46.437" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T07:45:11.303" Title="How to blow your nose in public" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="360" CreationDate="2017-06-30T09:21:21.500" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, see first if you can just wipe it with a tissue paper since this is a silent way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you really need to blow it and you think it can be done quickly and silently, turn your head in other side and do that using a tissue paper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's going to be really loud, it's better to leave the room by saying,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Excuse me! I'll be back in a moment.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have already a stuffed or running nose, come with a few tissue papers and try to look for a seat near to exit, washroom etc., so it can be less disruptive when you leave the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-30T09:27:49.490" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T09:27:49.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="360" CreationDate="2017-06-30T09:28:50.477" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As reflected in AJ's response, it needs to be discreet, and where possible to politely absent yourself to carry out the function. Most people will not be offended by this approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are in a situation where excusing yourself (on a bus, etc.) and the blowing of you nose is a less offensive/threatening action than a runny nose, etc.; then in as quiet and discreet way possible, blow your nose (with tissue or handkerchief) and offer a quiet apology to those nearby. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T09:28:50.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="363" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="264" CreationDate="2017-06-30T09:30:34.603" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As with anything, it depends on a lot of things. One things that wasn't mentioned yet in the answers at the moment of my posting, is that sometimes you order considerably more/less expensive food and drinks than others, and it would be unfair to severely overpay or underpay your share of the combined tab. In cases like that you might want to just explain the situation to your friends:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I've noticed that I'm not ordering nearly as much as you guys, so I think it's only fair if I only pay for my share (this time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if you're feeling generous, just split the combined tab evenly between the N of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not too uncommon to have one friend in the group who often wants to try expensive items from the menu, and to have them pay for those from their own pocket, without burdening the rest of the group with their whimsical expenses. There's usually an understanding that it's the reasonable thing to do. And if there's not, you might bring that up with them at the next gathering and explain the situation from your point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="210" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T09:30:34.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="364" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="473" CreationDate="2017-06-30T09:49:19.513" Score="21" ViewCount="2647" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people are natural &quot;sharers&quot;.  They have no qualms about giving the most intimate details of their lives, diseases, relationships, etc., to even casual acquaintances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One example was a colleague who was telling rather graphic details of an argument she had had with her partner (who I have never met), and with the further complication that she implied repeatedly that I should take her side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a one-on-one conversation, how do you convey to them that this is more information or detail than you are comfortable with, without coming across as uninterested in them, or uncaring more generally? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T19:08:59.980" LastActivityDate="2017-11-25T16:51:12.973" Title="Dealing with TMI (Too Much Information)" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="366" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="372" CreationDate="2017-06-30T10:18:16.990" Score="24" ViewCount="2266" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question opens a broad spectrum of sub-questions such as religious standards (halal, kosher); health-related (gluten intolerance); and lifestyle/ethical questions (vegetarian). Therefore, I will focus on the narrower example from real life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A vegetarian is invited to a casual friend/acquaintance's home for a meal.  The vegetarian dutifully explains to the host/hostess that they are a vegetarian, and is assured that that will be no problem.  When dinner is served, chicken is in pride of place as the main course.  &quot;I hope that's alright,&quot; the host says, &quot;we made sure that there was no meat.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the proper thing to do, in a social context?  To eat the side dishes after explaining the misunderstanding; to take some to avoid embarrassing the host; or some other action?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-06-30T14:27:03.637" LastActivityDate="2020-11-09T03:26:48.827" Title="What to do when someone serves chicken after you told them you are vegetarian?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;eating&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-10-23T07:05:28.217" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="367" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-30T13:34:33.693" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Different people have different attitudes to everyday situations, and some people can sometimes miss what appears to be obvious because of the attitude they have. Some people can be arrogant and aggressive, whereas others can be shy and withdrawn. Questions here can cover topics for all these personality types, and also how they behave in certain situations, as well as how to deal with the way some people behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should also be used with location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:40:42.957" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:40:42.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="368" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-30T13:34:33.693" Score="0" Body="Questions about the behavior of other people around you, as well as how you should behave in certain situations and circumstances." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-02T15:46:09.353" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T15:46:09.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="370" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="371" CreationDate="2017-06-30T15:00:06.623" Score="13" ViewCount="1631" Body="&lt;p&gt;As stated in the title, myself/someone I know is currently suffering from depression/suicidal tendencies and I was wondering if anyone had any advice on what to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T15:39:09.177" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T15:39:09.177" Title="What to do if I/Someone I know is feeling depressed/suicidal?" Tags="&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;depression&gt;&lt;suicide&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-08-09T05:45:14.730" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="371" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="370" CreationDate="2017-06-30T15:00:06.623" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer will deal with not just what to do if you personally are dealing with depression/suicidal thoughts, but also if someone you know is feeling that way too. Any numbers, websites or hotlines will be listed towards the end of the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What to do if you are feeling depressed or suicidal:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contact a helpline &lt;strong&gt;immediately&lt;/strong&gt;, if you are afraid of talking via the phone, there are various live web chats or emails you could compose instead if you'd prefer to do that. If you are at serious risk of harming yourself, call your local emergency services number immediately. While you may think that contacting family or friends is a good idea, they are not qualified, nor do they have the proper knowledge or training to offer the appropriate support in these situations. I am sure you understand that situations and discussions of this nature can   also take an emotional toll on the person offering support, either intentionally or unintentionally which may create a stressful situation for them as well. If you need to talk to someone, please reach out to one of the various charities, hotlines, websites or other methods of accessing people who are qualified and trained to assist you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What to do if someone you know is depressed or suicidal:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You aim to assist this type of person is to direct them towards any of the contact methods mentioned at the bottom of this answer, while involving yourself as little as possible in their problems. While you may want to help them get better, you are not trained to do so, and if you make a mistake it can have a huge effect on both your and their lives. If after directing someone to the relevant helpline you yourself would like to talk to someone, or feel effected by contacting such a person, you should also contact those helplines, as they are there to support you too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a first port of call you should always direct them towards the helplines, they may not wish to do so immediately however you should try to encourage them to contact these people by reassuring them that not only will they listen and understand them, but they are also able to offer the best care and support available to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are unable to direct them to a support group, then it may be wise to attempt to get them to contact people they know and meet on a daily basis, these people include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Work/School-based counselors&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Teachers, supervisors or superiors&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Parents&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if they are not willing to seek support themselves, you may want to consider informing the above people yourselves, while it may seem to be unfair to the person at the time, you could very well help improve their quality of life in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Contact, support and emergency numbers (international):&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a full list of both &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;global suicide/depression hotlines&lt;/a&gt;, and also a list of &lt;a href=&quot;https://travel.state.gov/content/dam/students-abroad/pdfs/911_ABROAD.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;international emergency numbers&lt;/a&gt;, please check the linked sites. (you can use the &amp;quot;find&amp;quot; feature of your browser to find a specific country)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;United States:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emergency Number - 911&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Phone Calling Hotline - 1-800-448-3000&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Text Messaging Hotline - 1-800-799-4889&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Online Web Chat (Area Code Needed) - &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;United Kingdom:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emergency Number - 999&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Phone Calling Hotline - (0) 8457 90 90 90&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Email - jo@samaritans.org&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T07:57:42.733" CommentCount="2" CommunityOwnedDate="2017-06-30T15:00:06.623" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="366" CreationDate="2017-06-30T15:31:53.963" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a vegetarian myself, I have faced a similar situation a few times. Also, I'm not a vegetarian by choice, but by birth and bound by religion, so I'm a lot more staunch than most people, and would &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; eat non-vegetarian food, irrespective of how much peer/other pressure I am under.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understanding the circumstances, this could have been the case that the person who served you non-vegetarian food (chicken, as you have said) felt that chicken is a vegetarian diet by his/her standards, and considered red meat, like mutton, beef, or pork as &amp;quot;actual meat&amp;quot;. This is then a question of his/her own idea of what is considered vegetarian and what is not (although in most cases, it would &lt;em&gt;definitely not be considered so&lt;/em&gt;). In this case, first make it clear to your host that your idea of non-vegetarian food is different from theirs, and ask them if there is any other food available. In case there isn't anything else, just leave, with all politeness, and find yourself another meal. If you are willing to just eat the side dishes, go ahead and do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could have also been the case that that the person in concern is doing this on purpose, in order to humiliate you, which would be rather unethical and unmannerly of him/her, as it could probably be against your very religion to consume non-vegetarian food. In such a case, if you can be sure that this was done intentionally, then you must absolutely assert that you are a vegetarian, and that you can't eat anything which contains animal produce. Remain polite while doing so, as it will not be good to lash out around many people, who probably want to see just that. I really know how that feels, and it doesn't feel good at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2020-11-09T03:26:48.827" LastActivityDate="2020-11-09T03:26:48.827" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="353" CreationDate="2017-06-30T15:53:28.643" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I consider it a bit of an imposition. But there is are ways to handle this question so that it is not inappropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd begin by saying something like &quot;Hi, the book you're reading looks interesting. What is the title?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the person answers, thank him or her and say something about that being your favorite topic. Basically, you're trying to convince the other person that the (small) effort expended in making you happy was worthwhile. It might even lead to an interesting conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be one of those situations where you ask &quot;forgiveness rather than permission.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But do this only if you are genuinely interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T15:53:28.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="374" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="237" CreationDate="2017-06-30T16:04:18.820" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've benefited from a strong sense that anything that I say might be wrong. (Often, that is, in fact the case.) That hasn't prevented me from saying the wrong things, but it has probably slowed/reduced the rate of occurrence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to be getting that sense as well. If you could integrate it in your consciousness, as I have, it might dampen your eagerness to respond, at least &quot;immediately.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If something is worth saying, &quot;tomorrow is another day,&quot; as Scarlett O'Hara would say. Another way of looking at it is &quot;what you don't say, you don't have to apologize for&quot; (or feel awkward about).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T16:04:18.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="375" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="380" CreationDate="2017-06-30T16:10:15.130" Score="22" ViewCount="20209" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from a conservative culture, but now I'm living in a culture where having sex within the first few dates is a norm. I have been able to cope with that, because the early non-serious stage of relationship doesn't last long, and the alternatives (being alone or dating religious people) are not an option. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now I've been in a relationship around 5 months, and having sex. I don't want to end it but talking about getting serious hasn't been easy. I don't want to push him too much, but having sex in this uncertain stage this long is starting to affect my self-worth. I want to stop having sex until he wants it to be serious, or otherwise end the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By serious I mean being generally committed to each other, making an effort for a future together, not necessarily moving together or getting engaged instantly, but both agreeing that those things will happen at some point. We agreed on being monogamous shortly after starting dating, but for me that doesn't indicate serious commitment since talking about the future has been a little of an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically I want to say &quot;no sex before you know if you want to be serious&quot;, but how do I say that in a productive way and not seem manipulative? If I appear too accusing, maybe he'll think, &quot;If I agree now, will this become a recurring behavior she uses every time we disagree about something?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that this is a culture-specific question (from a Nordic country, if that matters) and practices from more conservative cultures may not be applicable. E.g. &quot;nobody thinks that, he simply has to agree&quot; is not a productive way to solve this problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="220" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-06-30T21:14:37.207" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T19:53:37.183" Title="How to say I want to stop having sex unless the relationship becomes serious?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="375" CreationDate="2017-06-30T16:34:44.927" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even in more liberal countries it isn't uncommon to set physical/sexual boundaries on a relationship. Just be clear about what your boundaries are when the topic is brought up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling a partner that you're not comfortable getting physical outside of a serious relationship is completely reasonable. Regardless of the culture, it's your body and your choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may appear from the outside that people have some specific amount of time or number of dates before sex is expected or required, but I don't think that's the case at all. Some jump in pretty readily, while others wait till they're comfortable and their isn't anything wrong with either approach. It's just a matter of finding a partner who respects you and is comfortable with your approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as wording goes, something as simple as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I would rather get to know you and see where this is going before things get physical.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if things have already gotten physical, and you're not comfortable:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Things are moving a little faster than I'd like. I think we should calm down on the physical part of our relationship until we know where this is going.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, stick to your convictions. It's your choice, and a good partner should respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T16:34:44.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="355" CreationDate="2017-06-30T16:42:51.893" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;State the underlying disagreement and suggest a next action.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, when you can't agree on a small thing, it's due to some more fundamental disagreement. For example, you may disagree on core values like how much risk is acceptable or whether religious doctrine should be used as evidence. You may have had different experiences, where something that worked for you in the past didn't work for them. You might just be having too much trouble communicating your viewpoints and can't find a way to fix it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever the underlying issue seems to be, point that out. Then, suggest what you want to do instead of continuing the discussion. Maybe you can just stop the conversation and move on. Sometimes, however, you want to make a decision and will need to make a compromise, or you have an unmet request that sparked the discussion. Make a suggestion for the next action you'll take and make sure it doesn't depend upon resolving the disagreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples of what you might say in various situations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;It sounds like we have different values regarding this topic. Let's talk about something else.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;We're having a fundamental disagreement. Let's just drop it.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;We seem to be having trouble communicating. Can we table this for now and chat again after having some time to think?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Sounds like you've had less luck with that approach than I have. Are you willing to let me try, or should I get help elsewhere?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T16:42:51.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="379" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="249" CreationDate="2017-06-30T18:07:22.487" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reading the answers from other users, I see that the &quot;No Cold Callers&quot; sign is the equivalent of what I had once in my door, which basically said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In this house, we love the Lord, we are catholics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunaltely, this sign was removed from our door &quot;it was a sticker, though&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm catholic, but not fanatic or devoted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my point of view, &lt;em&gt;if you're religious (or have religious/spiritual beliefs)&lt;/em&gt;, I think that when these situation happen again, you can stand in front of your window or door and reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm not interested and I'm busy right now. Have a nice day &lt;em&gt;(or any similar in those lines)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if s/he keeps talking you, you have no need to pay attention and just close the door and continue with your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes to my home, Jehová's Witnesses knock the door very early at morning, I usually know they're, so, they keep knock the door twice, but as nobody approach to the door, they leave shortly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I &lt;em&gt;(for any reason)&lt;/em&gt; open the window and in fact there's Jehová's Witnesses, they usually say if I'm interested in the Bible; I cut inmediateley replying that in fact, I have read the Bible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Replying that helped me to Jehová's Witnesses stop asking me questions and we mutually say: &lt;em&gt;have a nice day&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If &lt;em&gt;you're &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; religious (or have religious/spiritual beliefs)&lt;/em&gt;, reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not interested and I'm busy right now &lt;em&gt;(plain and simple)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="50" LastEditorUserId="50" LastEditDate="2017-07-07T20:54:18.107" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T20:54:18.107" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="375" CreationDate="2017-06-30T18:45:45.397" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are allowed to adjust your intimacy permissions anytime you like in a relationship. A respectful partner will not pressure you on this. If they do, perhaps you're better off in a different relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I think you may have either cultural or personality differences with your partner that may be something you need to really discuss - preferably sooner rather than later. The important thing is to be honest. Relationships really, really are about communication and if you don't feel like you can communicate with your partner after being with them for several months, it's something you need to work on or ask yourself why you don't think you can talk with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my first recommendation is to talk about yourself. Focus on how you feel and what you want. Follow that up with honest, open questions to your partner to give them a chance to respond. So, based on your question, I recommend something that covers the issues you mention in your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The way I was raised was pretty conservative and I am starting to have self-esteem issues that I feel are related to my upbringing and our sexual intimacy.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to have a conversation about our future together before we continue that intimacy. These are the boundaries I'd like to set for the time being. [list boundaries]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;These are the expectations I have as far as a commitment goes and I want to see what you think about it and if you are willing to agree to this. [list of expectations]&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you have a time frame in mind for living together/getting engaged/getting married/etc?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you want to have serious discussions about having kids/not having kids? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you interested in me to the degree that you consider me a potential spouse?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am happy to give you time to think about this if you need it. Can we come back to this in a week/month/whatever? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you have any questions for me?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to be clear and honest and open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where the personality differences come in is that, honestly, some people very much live in &quot;the now&quot;. I don't know how old you are but when my (now) husband and I had been together for two &lt;strong&gt;years&lt;/strong&gt; or so, I started trying to get an idea of where he saw us in five years and his response was simply something along the lines of &quot;I don't really think that far ahead&quot;. We were together for &lt;strong&gt;eight&lt;/strong&gt; years before we got married. After about three years, I told him that I wanted to discuss things like getting married and I gave him four months to think about it and after that time we talked it over (we eventually decided to get married long before we actually got officially engaged because my husband isn't fond of being the center of attention and dreaded having a wedding).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you give your partner the time to think it over (you don't have to give them four months), and let them know that it is something that is important to you, they should make it a priority because it's something &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want not because they're not &quot;getting any&quot; until they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I recommend that you really consider what you want - and why you want it. I'm not telling you to change your mind on things - the way we're conditioned as children can be extremely difficult to change later in life - if possible at all. You feel the way you feel and that's perfectly valid but I find that, sometimes, doing some internal thinking and really picking apart what you're &quot;trained&quot; to believe and deciding how you actually feel can help you feel more comfortable. If you've done this and you still feel you need to put on the brakes, do it! Don't continue intimacy with someone when it makes you feel bad about yourself. It will taint your relationship beyond repair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you expect to be engaged and married after a year and two years respectively because you think that's enough time or because you think that's the &quot;normal&quot; amount of time? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where are you in your life - are you working/finished with school? - are you even ready for a &quot;serious&quot; relationship at all, regardless of who it is with?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More and more people are getting married later in life, after longer periods of time as a couple - which I think is amazing. More time together (particularly co-habitating) means more time to really get to know the other person and know that they're good for you and you're good for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you the best and I hope that you're able to come to an agreement with your partner!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T18:45:45.397" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="381" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="388" CreationDate="2017-06-30T20:34:17.597" Score="12" ViewCount="188" Body="&lt;p&gt;Cards are sent, especially at &quot;holiday time&quot; (Christmas, New Years, and Hanukkah), with varying levels of intent based on the level of relationship.  While some people send such &quot;seasonal greetings&quot; as a matter of course, others see it as an intimate act of friendship, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know several people who hold the view that if a card is received, that it is an obligation to send one in return. This may be because they feel their failure to respond in kind would be a sign that they do not hold the relationship as importantly as does the other party, or it is merely &quot;rude&quot; to not respond to their gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any set &quot;rule&quot; on the necessity or obligation to send a return card in Anglo-Saxon culture (US, UK, Australia) or would a mere thank you suffice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-07-02T18:28:31.060" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T18:28:31.060" Title="Does a greetings card require a return in kind?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="382" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-30T21:01:38.680" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Conversations are a key way of communicating between people, and people have them on a daily basis with various people. Whether they happen online, or in person, conversations are a part of everyone's life and a key method of communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conversations can happen either between just 2 people or in larger groups of people. In addition it can happen between strangers, work colleagues, friends and family. In addition the topic of conversations can also vary drastically between people, covering work or just casual chit-chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communication skills can take a while to develop, and often there are various conversation topics that people have difficulty talking about, and this tag is for helping people cover the more difficult conversation topics. In addition it can also be used when seeking for help regarding starting a conversation, keeping it going or even bringing one to an end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-08T17:32:08.520" LastActivityDate="2019-05-08T17:32:08.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="383" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-30T21:01:38.680" Score="0" Body="Questions about having conversations with other people, and how to achieve certain things when having them. This can be covering (or avoiding) certain topics, starting them, keeping them going or bringing them to a close." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T18:22:28.900" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T18:22:28.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="384" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-30T21:02:10.023" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Conflicts can occur between people, and often they do not end well for either party, which is why conflicts should (usually) be avoided at all costs. However, some people cannot help but get involved in a conflict, or some people can be caught in one unintentionally. Questions here should be about yourself or people who would like to avoid such conflicts, or the avoiding of conflicts that could occur in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your question pertains to ongoing conflicts, or conflicts that are already started, please use the &quot;conflicts&quot; tag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag can also be used with other tags such as friend if the conflict is with a friend, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T17:23:23.617" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T17:23:23.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="385" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-30T21:02:10.023" Score="0" Body="For questions regarding to the avoiding of an imminent conflict, or the general avoiding of a conflict that occurs on a regular basis. Questions regarding ongoing conflicts, or conflicts that are already started, please use the &quot;conflicts&quot; tag." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T17:23:23.617" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T17:23:23.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="386" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-06-30T21:03:41.547" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being able to apologize when you're in the wrong is a useful trait to have. We all make mistakes and it's typically mistakes that lead to the necessity to make/receive an apology. Questions here are about apologizing to people, and can also about how to accept an apology from other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag can also be used with tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; and also &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:40:49.330" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:40:49.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="387" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-06-30T21:03:41.547" Score="0" Body="For apologizing or dealing with apologies from others, as well as how to make one and also how to accept one in a certain way." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:42:41.587" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:42:41.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="381" CreationDate="2017-06-30T21:40:45.273" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only real answer to this is &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're rarely (if ever) &quot;required&quot; to do anything for the purpose of courtesy, particularly in this day, when it's not in any way codified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, this is a matter of opinion. You will have some people say that it's best-practice and others say that it's personal preference and others still say to only send a card if you were already planning on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyone who tells me that I am &lt;em&gt;required&lt;/em&gt; to spend money (because I have to buy a card and mail it) because someone did the same for me seems to have their priorities in a twist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simple fact is that &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; people choose to send cards while others choose not to. If you do not send cards and don't wish to then don't feel obligated to do so, regardless of the reason.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps you don't participate in that holiday.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps you can't afford it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps you don't have time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps you don't care about the person who sent the card.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really feel like you're &quot;obligated&quot; to send a card in return and you don't, it's &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; concern. They are the one with the notion that you're somehow indebted to them and, personally, that sort of tit-for-tat friend isn't someone I'd like to be friends with. Regardless, they can not expect you to feel the same way about this that they do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, if you don't send cards, it's nice to somehow get the message to them that you appreciated the card, particularly if you feel like it means a lot to them. But, even this isn't required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the people I know (in the US) don't send holiday cards any more... it's becoming a somewhat antiquated custom. I get the occasional &quot;year in review&quot; card or holiday card but only usually from older relatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you're doing this already - sending cards - and you don't have them on your list for some reason and you get a card from them, and you have an extra one, I say send them a card. It can be sort of disappointing to not get a card from a friend and then see that a common friend has a card in their home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-06-30T21:40:45.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="250" CreationDate="2017-07-01T06:43:47.703" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest you to deal with this situation in a positive manner. By positive I mean, that if someone is offering you something constantly when you meet them, then 2 things can happen:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Either they are very courteous and hold you in high regard&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For the same reason above, they don't want to offend you and so they&#xA;give you a gum when you meet them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what I suggest, is being a sport. Take the gum, chew it, and then jokingly ask &quot;Hey, I don't have a bad breath, do I?&quot;. Conclude with a laugh and then proceed with &quot;Anyway, if I do have a bad breath, your gum will make up for it!&quot; A very beautiful quote from Sundar Pichai, Google CEO, is what I think will best suit your situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It is not the problem that is the problem. It is my attitude towards&#xA;  the problem that is the problem&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deal with any such situation by being a sport and having a positive attitude. This will help you in getting deeper to the root of the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="228" LastEditorUserId="2998" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T14:36:21.510" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T14:36:21.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="391" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="395" CreationDate="2017-07-01T08:10:56.097" Score="14" ViewCount="1494" Body="&lt;p&gt;Expletives (swearing, cursing, cussing) are in far more common use today, than they were in the past.  &quot;Official&quot; media censorship and other imposed controls have been softened, or removed all together in some cultures making their use more familiar. In the UK, for example, terms which would have been frowned on a generation or so ago, such as &quot;bloody,&quot; now do not receive as much as a raised eyebrow from most hearers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there are some terms which are still taboo to many, or at least unpleasant to hear for many.  These are often sexually related or racially related terms; or religious expressions used as expletives.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you let a work colleague or casual acquaintance know you are uncomfortable with the &quot;language&quot; they are using without coming across as petty, or prudish?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T11:12:34.523" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T11:12:34.523" Title="Ways to deal with someone who uses expletives?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;profanity&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-08-23T22:18:24.810" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="235" CreationDate="2017-07-01T09:19:08.753" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would phrase it as an offer to help him so that the forum will be better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something along the lines of &quot;we appreciate your input and the effort you put into the forum. However, your spelling make your posts less effective then they could have been&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then list specific rules he can follow, and offer to help answer any questions he has about spelling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="231" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T09:19:08.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="366" CreationDate="2017-07-01T10:37:37.773" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might want to say something along the following lines: &quot;Oh, I'm sorry, there seems to have been a misunderstanding here. I actually don't eat any meat, whether it is white or red. Don't worry, I'll just eat everything else instead&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not enjoy not having a full meal and it is awfully silly of the person to assume that chicken is fine, but this would be the polite approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="127" LastEditorUserId="127" LastEditDate="2017-07-02T04:19:15.423" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T04:19:15.423" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="391" CreationDate="2017-07-01T10:48:31.977" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a tricky question, and one I deal with every day.  Cussing is in every second sentence with most of the people I work with currently, and for the rest, it's in every sentence.  Here are several things I have found that can help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1. Request (politely) that they cut out some of the cuss words.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually go something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say, for personal reasons, I’m kind of uncomfortable with cussing and swearing.  Would you mind just cutting down on the swearing when I’m around, please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can work, but bear in mind you have to approach the situation delicately, and if you know the person fairly well, you’ll be better able to tune timing and wording to yield positive results without estranging you from the acquaintance or colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. Set the example.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I work currently, it’s very well known that in the past 3 years I’ve worked there, I’ve never cussed once.  I also try to stick out in the way I work: I’m constantly having people say that I’m one of the hardest workers they’ve ever met.  My point is not that it’s true (I’m sure they’re just being nice); my point is, the goal should be to not just “fit in.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I strongly believe that I should make friends at work and get along well with everyone, if you want to influence people, you’ll have to be different.  And what I’ve discovered is that when people see you’re different, you start influencing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ll never forget one co-worker, to whom I had never spoken about his cussing asking me some questions about various ways I’m different than my colleagues, and at the end of the conversation, he said,  “[My name], I really have got to stop my cussing.  I see it’s a nuisance to a lot of people, and I think it’s time to stop.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those are my two cents (which rounds down in Canada), but I hope they’ll help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T10:48:31.977" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="397" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="409" CreationDate="2017-07-01T14:46:20.977" Score="10" ViewCount="3651" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a few weeks time I'm spending a week with a close friend, and as part of that we're planning on going to various places (via bus) and going out in public together a lot. However my friend is &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; shy, and I was wondering if there way I could help her be less shy and more outgoing? Not just to help her enjoy the time (i.e. she doesn't have to rely on me to do things around others), but also so in the future she's more independent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples of what we'd be doing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Taking a bus to various locations (and buying tickets there)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ordering food at a restaurant/cafe&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Entering certain venu's (like national trust areas) and buying tickets to access it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Purchasing souvenirs/gifts at local shops&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talking to my family (not hers), having never met them before&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And also some examples of what defines her as a &quot;shy&quot; person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She often doesn't talk around other people. With friends she is actually very vocal and loud but around people she doesn't know (in public), she often says very little/nothing. If engaged in conversation with someone she doesn't know (or doesn't know well) she doesn't engage very well in the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She often avoids interacting with strangers, preferring it if other people purchase things (such as tickets for her) or speak for her too when entering venues.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T15:34:22.700" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T20:22:32.867" Title="How can I help a shy friend to be less shy?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="398" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-01T14:47:12.947" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Questions about issues that take place in public locations should use this tag. More specifically, this may include issues that rely on the place in question being a public one, where interactions with the general public are important. Examples of public locations include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Shops/shopping districts&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Car parks&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Train/bus stations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cinemas or other luxury venues&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More specific tags may be used for these venues; see, for example, &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/restaurant&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;restaurant&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;restaurant&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/public-transportation&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;public-transportation&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;public-transportation&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:34:10.923" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:34:10.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="399" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-01T14:47:12.947" Score="0" Body="For issues that usually occur in public, in public locations or in the public eye. This can include in cafes, shops, or public transport." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:34:10.923" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:34:10.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="400" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-01T14:49:21.683" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Shy people often avoid social interactions, and as such even the most basic of interpersonal skills can be difficult. They often avoid large groups of people (and even friends) and usually prefer to be left alone or with 1 close friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag is generally used to describe the personality of such people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-02T15:46:25.743" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T15:46:25.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="401" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-01T14:49:21.683" Score="0" Body="Used for people who would describe themselves as &quot;shy&quot;, or for questions involving shy people." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-02T15:44:20.903" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T15:44:20.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="391" CreationDate="2017-07-01T15:14:41.837" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I &quot;sugar-coated the pill.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Early in my career, I remarked that &quot;John Doe is a good guy, and he'd be a great guy if he would cut out the foul language.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He didn't quite do so, but he &quot;moderated&quot; his use of such language, at least around me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T15:14:41.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="355" CreationDate="2017-07-01T16:10:22.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even if they cannot get your agreement, people want to be heard. I suggest you tell them that first: &quot;I hear you and I can see this is important to you&quot;. Then you can acknowledge your disagreement if you like but I would move the conversation toward why it is important to them, which actually might be a great place to find common ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take for example guns. The other person wants to own guns and you think they should not be kept in the house. When you find out their why you might see that they are concerned for their families safety just like you are. Now you can agree on a deeper value and the desire to own guns or not is more relatable. You might see that this disagreement is really not as fundamental as you thought, since there is a deeper level..something more fundamental and human.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you move the conversation towards connection, or a possible connection, by going deeper into the reasons a person has a particular opinion or point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="93" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T16:10:22.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="404" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-01T16:23:45.347" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often people will have a significant other whom they really &quot;click&quot; with, and they often want to spend the rest of their lives with them. However from time to time, issues can appear in any relationship, and so questions with this tag often refer to issues relating to someone's significant other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should also be used with location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;, however should not be used for tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;. For committed, long-term partnerships, the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/life-partner&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;life-partner&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;life-partner&lt;/a&gt; tag may also be used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-01-23T00:24:25.490" LastActivityDate="2019-01-23T00:24:25.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="405" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-01T16:23:45.347" Score="0" Body="Not for generic relationships! Use this tag only for questions involving a significant other or sexual partner." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-10-08T19:59:15.530" LastActivityDate="2019-10-08T19:59:15.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="406" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-01T16:33:49.633" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are many different variations of any given language. Some people use swearing rather than other minor expletives, some people use acronyms such as &quot;omg&quot; or &quot;wtf&quot; to communicate, and others just use informal words and phrases, such as &quot;gonna&quot;. If you don't understand or like another person's choice of language, then this can cause some issues involving communication..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, it can be hard to communicate with locals in foreign countries, especially if their first language isn't the same as yours, or if they don't speak much of your language at all. As a result, it can sometimes be difficult to get their attention or notify them that you speak a different language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:53:08.060" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:53:08.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="407" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-01T16:33:49.633" Score="0" Body="For questions about situations where certain types of language play an important role, such as slang, informal language or swearing. This tag can also be applied to questions about communicating with people who speak other languages to you." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:53:08.060" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:53:08.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="345" CreationDate="2017-07-01T16:40:09.880" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Byron Katie likes to ask, whose business are you in? There are 3: mine, theirs and God's. I only belong in &quot;mine&quot; and to go outside of that is to go beyond my ability to know or control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can I take responsibility for another person's reaction? No, I cannot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you asked more specifically - what if I am causing them pain, am I not accountable for that pain? From the point of view of a compassionate human, if you cause them pain you will suffer too. To hurt them is to feel the hurt yourself. Now you are accountable to the pain you caused yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your examples are tests of integrity. They all seem to ask: should I change my behavior or hide my behavior and feelings to avoid hurting others? Choose integrity over worry about causing harm. Once you find that integrity you will not worry about the harm, if there is harm caused at all, because you will have acted from the right place. This is the principle that helps you decide what wins out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In each example you assume the other's reaction rather than ask. The invitation in each example is for more communication. Since this site is about interpersonal skills I would say this is the skill: notice when you are in someone else's business and when you find you are, ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="93" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T16:40:09.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="397" CreationDate="2017-07-01T16:54:31.210" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;For starters, does she want help? If the answer is yes then you and her should be able to find ways you can help. I would suggest asking her to imagine a situation where she would normally be shy but would like to be less shy. Have her define &quot;less shy&quot; as an acceptable outcome, there may be more than one. She will likely have outcomes that may be too big for right now but let that go for a minute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you can ask her to brainstorm with you ways to achieve this outcome. You might play a game: &quot;imagine you have  magic wand and you can get yourself to do anything...what do you make yourself do?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From this you should have a list of things she thinks she could do to attain her desired outcome. Now you can look at these and work with her to rate them as to how effective she thinks they would be. Remember the top 3-4. Now take the whole list of possible actions and work with her to rate them as to how likely she is to be able to do them. Hopefully you will find some cross section of the top actions for effectiveness and top actions for likelihood and now you can ask her how you could help her with those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the desired outcome is too big you might get weak indications that she is likely to do any of the actions. You might need to break the outcome down into smaller pieces. Help her walk it backwards like a breadcrumb trail to find a smaller first step and then repeat the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all steps, try to think small and clear and unambiguous. Measurable if you will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="93" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T16:54:31.210" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="411" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="412" CreationDate="2017-07-01T19:17:26.743" Score="15" ViewCount="984" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend's birthday is next week. While I was shopping for her, I saw a nifty cat toy that would help keep her cat entertained while she was at work. I then realized that my cats would also enjoy a toy like that. I want to buy one for each of us, but I am worried that that would somehow be bad form.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="241" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T18:55:20.397" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T18:55:20.397" Title="Can I buy my friend a gift I am also going to buy a copy for myself?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2019-01-23T15:56:24.950" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="412" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="411" CreationDate="2017-07-01T20:19:10.957" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;For myself in the UK, it's actually not a bad thing, if anything, think of it as &quot;oh hey, I have this thing which is pretty amazing, you can have one too&quot;. I mean if they never find out you have one, then it can't be an issue anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More so, if it is a good piece of equipment, then why &lt;em&gt;shouldn't&lt;/em&gt; both of you have it? Not only do you have something else in common (i.e. both your cats do the same things with the same toys) but it can also be a conversation topic too (&quot;How is your x doing with your cat?&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course if you live elsewhere then it might be best to see if someone from your region has better information ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T20:19:10.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="63" CreationDate="2017-07-01T23:57:27.533" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Mirroring someone doesn't always result in positive reception. I'm not a professional in any relevant area, but I've talked to enough people and read enough discussions on the internet to know this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone approaches you and starts obviously trying too hard at using your unique phrases, gestures or language, it feels like they're making fun of you and your behavior. Or that they're trying way too hard to get on your good side, but are awkwardly failing. Sometimes you can't tell if it's one or the other, and it creates an unpleasant ambiguous situation, especially when there are other people around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine getting a new job, meeting your new colleagues for the first time, and one of them starts mirroring you ambiguously hard like that. Don't be that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're unsure if you can pull it off subtly enough, don't risk putting yourself in a situation when your mirroring target might suspect ill intent. Find other means to become good friend/coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="210" LastActivityDate="2017-07-01T23:57:27.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="414" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="418" CreationDate="2017-07-02T00:08:32.487" Score="20" ViewCount="2342" Body="&lt;p&gt;How can I call attention to a casual acquaintance's mispronunciation? The individual is a native speaker, yet regularly misuses words like &quot;antidote,&quot; when meaning &quot;anecdote,&quot; as just one example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the meaning of their conversation is still understood, I don't want to sound pedantic in correcting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T05:56:39.470" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T07:29:28.643" Title="How can I call attention to a casual acquaintance's mispronunciation?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;language&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="375" CreationDate="2017-07-02T00:14:02.247" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;As for stopping sex. You have every right to not have sex. At any time. This is no questions asked. So in the following discussion, please do not construe that I am advocating you continue to have sex, I am not, I'm evaluating the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm approaching this wholistically to begin with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Society and sex&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_revolution&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;sexual revolution&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt; did a lot of good in helping to establish equality between the sexes, between sexual preferences and many issues surrounding sexuality. This statement is made with the caveat, that there is a long way to go, but this is coming from the state of the 1950s, it where so much was hidden or else a much larger group of people were branded and socially stigmatised than they are today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the drawbacks of the morality surrounding sex is becoming looser, is that this has a tendency to be coupled with devaluing the intimate nature of it and the value of waiting. The pressure and expectation, in many cultures, for engaging in sexual intercourse are now quite low, as you say a few dates. This does make it difficult when trying to set a standard outside the norm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the sexual revolution to have really made headway, then people should not feel they have to have sex early in a relationship to be able to date. This is in many ways as bad as people being demonised for having sex before some societal constraint deems it to be ok (e.g. marriage).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dating and sex&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of dating, per se, it is helpful to know why you are dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;the alternatives (being alone or dating religious people) are not an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These do not sound like the most positive reasons for having sex early in a relationship. Although I'm sure that there's many, many people who do just that. Some good reasons to have sex are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You enjoy it.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;To relieve sexual frustration.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You like the person and want to be close to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some not so good reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You feel obliged.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;To gain something else from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what are you expecting to get out of dating? To prevent loneliness, the company, the social aspect? Are you trying to find a long term partner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are wanting a long term partner, there is no harm in waiting to have sex, as this may assist in weeding out potential partners. If someone doesn't want to hang around more than a few dates without sex, then they are more interested in having sex than getting to know you. So that's one easy fix in finding a suitable partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to get to your problem.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;The issues with deciding to stop having sex&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 1 - Monogamy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A 5 month relationship is not long in terms of knowing and making decisions about the future. The most basic and first step towards making a commitment is the agreement for monogamy. That is saying, I care about you and this relationship enough, that I am not needing or wanting to find this intimacy with anyone else, I only want it with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to end it but talking about getting serious hasn't been&#xA;easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.../...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By serious I mean being generally committed to each other, making an effort for a future together, not necessarily moving together or getting engaged instantly, but both agreeing that those things will happen at some point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After 5 months, this is usually too early for most people. After 12 months, it's reasonable to apply pressure if it hasn't been brought up. It's helpful to play or tease at taking it to the next level. Usually this would begin with divulging each other's feelings. Saying &amp;quot;I love you&amp;quot;, admitting that you're in love with the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this guy is right for you, then allowing the relationship to develop is important, in terms of evolving into a more committed relationship with discussions about the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Self-Worth&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;having sex in this&#xA;uncertain stage this long is starting to affect my self-worth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the sexual relationship is eroding your self worth, then you need to ask yourself why. Are you feeling used? Is it something about your partner or is this to do with your conservative upbringing? It's vital for you to establish this. Because if it's your partner, then you need to also question whether he is right for you sex or no sex. Many relationships will continue out of convenience and the regular sex being a part of that convenience. So you are right to be concerned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Will stopping sex help the relationship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone truly loves you and wants you in their life, stopping sex should  not cause you to lose them. I can say this from experience (in both directions). However, this is still early days and it takes time to develop trust and for him to really know what your motives are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will be difficult for your partner and this is something that you'll both need to navigate. Acknowledge it will be difficult. Explain how it's affecting your self worth. This is a huge issue for you. Explain  your background to him, as you have done with us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ultimatum&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;how do I say that in a productive way and not seem manipulative?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot stop your partner  from feeling like you're giving him an ultimatum, as you are doing that. The best thing you can do is acknowledge just that, so it's not construed as a manipulative ploy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Acknowledging his perspective and feelings about this decision, while conveying yours. Show him that you understand that it will be difficult for him. If he's still determined to  take it that way, after your best efforts, there's not much you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I appear too accusing, maybe he'll think, &amp;quot;If I agree now, will&#xA;this become a recurring behavior she uses every time we disagree about&#xA;something&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is something that may pop into his head and these are things that are difficult to navigate, as his fears can only really be allayed with time and experience, that it indeed hasn't happened again. This is where relationships take time to develop trust to for people to feel comfortable to explore the possibilities of a future together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Advice moving forward&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not have sex with anyone unless you really want to, whether it is with this person or anyone else. That is your basic right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T00:14:02.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="381" CreationDate="2017-07-02T00:33:58.593" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Where I live (Australia) there is an implicit expectation that cards are returned. Some people have Christmas card lists (I used to for years) and send out cards every year a few weeks before Christmas, to give people time to return them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People often keep spare cards to send to any people they receive cards from who were not on the list (they are then added to the list). If someone doesn't return the card, they may be taken off the list for next year, or if they're in a closer circle, may remain on the list. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same type of reciprocation is expected for birthdays. If a person remembers your birthday and gives you a card, there is that expectation that you return the card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are people ever confronted over non-reciprocation? Rarely. It's not, generally, something that a person is confronted over, the person will just be taken off the list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These days, I do not give out cards at all. I receive hardly any cards because of this. I do receive some cards from close friends, for both Christmas and my birthday and never reciprocate. I do feel some guilt, but they love me enough that they continue to do so knowing I do not reciprocate. What I do with one friend is take her out to lunch occasionally to acknowledge I value the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T00:33:58.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="414" CreationDate="2017-07-02T02:04:49.340" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Great question!  In my humble opinion, this basically depends on three different factors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1. How well you know them&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say casual acquaintance.  However, as you know, casual acquaintances can take on a lot of different roles.  This could be a casual acquaintance in a work setting, a box boy at the store whom you usually talk with while he's packing up groceries, and a ton of things.  You'll have to go to a large extent on just how well you know the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good question to ask when thinking this one through is if you have the freedom to correct each other on other minor issues.  If you really don't, it might be best just to let the &amp;quot;antidotes&amp;quot; pass.  On the other hand, if you have the freedom to correct each other when telling stories, talking about the weather, or whatever, it &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be something to consider addressing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. How often you are doing this&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are dozens of words they're pronouncing wrong, I'd just accept the fact that they speak a slightly different dialect.  On the other hand, if it's just a word or two, it might be worth addressing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3. How you go about it&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the majority of situations, an approach like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say, just thought I'd let you know, the word &amp;quot;antidote&amp;quot; is actually pronounced &amp;quot;anecdote.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or worse:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, it's anecdote, not antidote.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will probably just cause a breach in the relationship.  It can kind of come across as superior, unless the tone and inflection is just right.  Then again, in certain relationships, that approach would be just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the approach I find works really well in a lot of situations is to do a bit of research on the word and find references to make sure you're getting it just right.  Then, when they next pull out that word, get a &amp;quot;lit up&amp;quot; look, and say something along the lines of,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say, I just researched the word &amp;quot;antidote,&amp;quot; and apparently, the correct pronunciation is actually &amp;quot;anecdote.&amp;quot;  I checked in Oxford English and American Abridged and [...], and everyone agrees that it's actually &amp;quot;anecdote.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a few ideas that have helped me.  Hope they help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T02:04:49.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="414" CreationDate="2017-07-02T02:11:29.773" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;One way may be to make your calling attention to the correction a little subtle, and not directed at them.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can take note of which word you want to correct, and then use it yourself correctly in a natural way. If you use the word yourself, one would hope that the listener will hear what you say, and realize that their usage was off. Now you can leave up to them to ask whether they want a clarification. That may help you answer whether they are interested in listening to a polite but direct correction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extending the example you gave. They say &quot;antidote&quot; when they should have said &quot;anecdote&quot;. You can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What an interesting story. I have an aunt (colleague/friend) that was just loaded with great &lt;em&gt;anecdotes&lt;/em&gt; like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your usage will make the correct word part of the conversation, and hopefully give them food for thought on using it correctly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T02:11:29.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="414" CreationDate="2017-07-02T02:14:38.320" Score="6" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Are you the right person to do the correcting?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been the person doing the mispronouncing before - generally not using the wrong word, but certainly saying it completely wrong - and I can confirm that it is mortifying to learn about my mistake. It's worse if it's a word I use on a semi-regular basis, because that means that I've probably flubbed it quite a bit before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, &lt;strong&gt;it's much better to learn that from someone they know than a relative stranger.&lt;/strong&gt; If the mispronunciations happen often enough, then sooner or later the person will be called out on it. But what if the person doing the correcting isn't being nice about it? What if they're a superior, or a job interviewer, or someone who they'd want to make a good impression on? What if continuing to make the mistake could cause issues for them in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know this person well enough that you notice these errors. I'd say that you might be suitable to point it out to them without causing them too much embarrassment - and as I said, that's something you'd probably want to minimize. It would obviously be better if you were a friend, but it's clear that you care about them and have their interests at heart. You're also clearly concerned about being polite, which suggests to me that you are indeed close.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend correcting them on some of the more serious errors (or ones that could embarrass/harm them in the future). Minor mistakes might be a bit too much, but cases like the one you brought up would probably cause them mortification further on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How should you do it?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that being blunt about something like this can be come off as rude or insulting. For instance, saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know, it's &amp;quot;anecdote&amp;quot;, not &amp;quot;antidote&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;doesn't seem that polite, especially if you're cutting them off mid-sentence. On the other hand, waiting until they finish and then saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, I think you mean &amp;quot;anecdote&amp;quot;, not &amp;quot;antidote&amp;quot;. Just a slip of the tongue, I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is a bit better. You could also try to be upbeat about it - after they respond, say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, we all make mistakes - I just want to save you future embarrassment. I used to say [word] wrong all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T02:14:38.320" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="420" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-02T04:37:10.310" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Gifts are typically given during special events for people or countries, such as national holidays (Christmas, Easter), or personal Milestones (Anniversaries, Birthdays). Other examples of when gifts can be given are for retirement parties, secret santas, or other &quot;special&quot; or commemorative events. Gifts can still, however, be given out at any other point in time for any reason, and are typically used to show affection. Giving a gift to someone shows you have care for them, and in addition receiving one from someone is a sign that they care for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people select gifts they typically will select gifts with the receivers hobbies in mind - or thinking of the type of gifts that they would enjoy having. In addition they may also consider prices of the gift - which can depend on the importance of the event and also how much the person means to them. Generally more significant events (such as someone's 18th birthday) and people whom are closer to the person (Such as close friends and family) will result in more money being spent on the gift. Gifts can also be made for free, as a result of the giver hand making the gift themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions using this tag generally cover receiving or selection of gifts between anybody. Use with the tag of classification of the class of people the question applies to e.g. &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;, also use culturally specific information and age group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T17:49:43.333" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T17:49:43.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="421" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-02T04:37:10.310" Score="0" Body="For questions regarding the giving, receiving or selection of gifts between anybody. Include other tags for the relationships between the givers and recipients (such as friends or coworkers) and culturally specific information." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-03-14T22:00:53.777" LastActivityDate="2020-03-14T22:00:53.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="422" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-02T08:48:29.287" Score="16" ViewCount="2620" Body="&lt;p&gt;From time to time there are cases when I would really like someone (a friend/acquaintance of mine) to blow their nose, whether it be because they're constantly sniffling, or that I can see snot in their nose. Neither of those are nice things, so I really want them to blow their nose. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way of hinting at them to blow their nose? Or a certain way I could use to ask them to blow it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation usually occurring around other friends/people too, so I don't want to say/do something that would place them in an awkward situation around other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2019-12-11T13:26:31.470" LastActivityDate="2020-02-05T15:02:31.110" Title="How can I polite ask someone to blow their nose in public?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;groups&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="414" CreationDate="2017-07-02T11:14:03.690" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've done this on occasion on the assumption communicating well is important and people do NOT want to make mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to keep away from any negative connotation by playing it down. All I show is a little confusion while asking confirmation, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You meant &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;anecdote&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T06:31:00.353" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T06:31:00.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="375" CreationDate="2017-07-02T11:33:12.023" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your real question is about commitment.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And commitment is only real when it comes from both sides.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Wanting to tie it down after almost half a year is sensible. It also ties in with you attitude about a relationship and what you feel it should mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not about applying pressure - at all!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is about you two defining your relationship. You are ready to commit and look to the future. Good for you! But now comes the hard part. Is you other half in the same boat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have that talk!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It definitely is time to sit down. You'll have to open up about how you feel. Ask whether he is in the same stage. He may need more time to think. He may want to keep it casual. But he also may want to take it to the net stage as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will need to know where he stands. Honesty will require courage. For that matter, sharing your life requires honesty and courage &lt;strong&gt;every day&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be warned this may go either way. Good luck! &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;In the sense that you find truth.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T11:33:12.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="426" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-02T11:46:30.230" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In every day life people try their best to ensure they maintain their cleanliness, and remaining clean is often a very important aspect of day to day life. Personal-hygiene often covers issues of cleanliness, such as showering or other forms of washing/cleaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used with other tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; in order to attain who the issue is with, as this can often effect the response needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:41:55.900" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:41:55.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="427" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-02T11:46:30.230" Score="0" Body="Questions about cleanliness, conditions and practices that helps maintaining health and preventing diseases to spread." OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-07-02T14:15:06.570" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T14:15:06.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="269" CreationDate="2017-07-02T11:50:02.407" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your caller will be on a script. In order to get to your preferred script end (end call) there is one sure way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Caller:&lt;/strong&gt; Hello I'm able to offer you an incredible deal on [whatever]!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry I don't do [whatever].&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Caller:&lt;/strong&gt; But it is an incredible [whatever] deal and only available for a short period of time!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry I don't do [whatever].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will have to say it twice. It does not matter if they call you on your mobile and [whatever] is a mobile phone. It is perfectly polite. And it does not give anything away. Be sure these callers live on information and you do not want to feed them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One general tip:&lt;br&gt;Absolutely refer from using the word 'yes' in these conversations. The more aggressive callers will send you their package automatically if they've captured that word from you - in whatever context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-07-02T12:07:43.117" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T12:07:43.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="429" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="476" CreationDate="2017-07-02T12:29:14.210" Score="20" ViewCount="1172" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm mostly bilingual - I speak (hopefully) decent English and I speak Hebrew that's passable most of the time (&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/766/146&quot;&gt;although I have a pretty strong accent that I have to work on&lt;/a&gt;). But sometimes I run into a problem where I don't know how to say what I want to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, a couple of days ago I was going to suggest playing the song in a different key, but I realized that I don't know how to say 'key' in Hebrew... &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; I started speaking, and ended up not knowing how to continue. This was slightly awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I communicate my point and get the point across, plus reduce the awkwardness?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that I could have just not said anything, but I'm looking for answers that address how to deal with the awkward situation after I already tried and failed to get my point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T13:20:27.980" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T13:20:27.980" Title="How do I communicate what I want to say in the language that the conversation is taking place in when I don't know the word?" Tags="&lt;language&gt;&lt;israel&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="429" CreationDate="2017-07-02T14:32:02.220" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;There is always just saying the word in the language you know, and coupling it with other cues such as gesturing. But don't make the thread of the conversation pause for too long.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will be the inevitable pause as you get to the word you don't know. Once you are there, people will surmise that you are looking for a word. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, say the word in English in the hope that someone in your group knows the word. Fortunately, English is commonly studied as a foreign language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that does not work, try gesturing. You may try the key scale: &quot;do re mi ...&quot; while gesturing with your hand different levels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still receiving the &quot;100 yard stare&quot;? You may want to restart the sentence using a word construct that you do know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this should happen in a relatively short time. If you sense that you have taken enough of the group's time, I would suggest apologizing and inviting the group to move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T14:32:02.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="432" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-02T16:01:51.513" Score="18" ViewCount="1356" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the past, it seemed generally accepted as a matter of courtesy that a smoker should ask &quot;do you mind if I smoke?&quot;  This became more and more prescriptive as health concerns increased over the use of tobacco. Now the &quot;safer&quot; option of vaping is becoming more common, and as of yet, there seem fewer &quot;official&quot; regulations on it (at least in the UK).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should someone using an e-cigarette ask those nearby, and especially those they are with, &quot;do you mind if I vape?&quot; in a similar way as a smoker? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-07-02T17:56:19.740" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T10:18:00.843" Title="Are there &quot;rules&quot; for vaping etiquette?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;&lt;smoking-vaping&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="435" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="366" CreationDate="2017-07-02T17:55:38.433" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm answering this is a round about way, by understanding the perspective of the host.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people who have guests, want to please their guests, make them comfortable and welcome. The host wants the guests to enjoy their dinner and come away from the visit, with a feeling of being welcomed and comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people are not offended by someone not being able to eat something they are served, they are more offended by someone not liking their cooking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Different people have different definitions of what a vegetarian is. It requires clarification. As I've know some people who will eat fish and call themselves vegetarian, others are closer to being vegan. So it really does vary and depends upon the host's experience. I wouldn't like to assume it was deliberate, if it was, it's not the sort of company one would like to keep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in a part of our city where there is a large Jewish community. I myself am not Jewish. We have many Jewish friends who practice their religion with varying degrees of strictness. Some will eat bacon, others are completely Kosher. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such I've hosted parties and had people who will not use our oven to heat food, as it's cooked non-Kosher food. I've served meals and had people pick through things and eat what they can or not eat at all. Usually these people will bring their own food, without my prior knowledge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are all things I'm well used to now, after living here for many years, but when it first happened, I was mildly surprise, but mostly I felt bad that I was unable to provide them with food they could eat. They never offended me, as they explained their beliefs and how strict they were and I actually found it interesting. I would never expect someone to eat something they were not comfortable eating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is politeness, show an appreciation of the effort the host has gone to and explain. With open and clear communication, that can help, the host may have something else that you can eat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T17:55:38.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="437" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-02T17:59:25.770" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For questions related to suicide.  People who have lost someone through suicide or someone who has previously been suicidal or attempted suicide. This does not replace assistance for people who are suicidal. If you, or someone you know is suicidal, please see this question for assistance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/370/what-to-do-if-i-someone-i-know-is-feeling-depressed-suicidal&quot;&gt;What to do if I/Someone I know is feeling depressed/suicidal?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-07T13:31:25.667" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T13:31:25.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="438" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-02T17:59:25.770" Score="0" Body="For questions related to suicide.  People who have lost someone through suicide or someone who has previously been suicidal or attempted suicide. This does not replace assistance for people who are suicidal, if you or someone you know is suicidal please see this question -  https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/370/what-to-do-if-i-someone-i-know-is-feeling-depressed-suicidal " OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-07T13:29:54.697" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T13:29:54.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="439" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="478" CreationDate="2017-07-02T18:18:51.837" Score="11" ViewCount="2427" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who is &lt;em&gt;usually&lt;/em&gt; has no issue with social life but suddenly decided to refuse any social activity, including their close friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are still meeting with close relatives and friends, but refuse to go out, even on activities they normally like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been in their position before, and I was actually yearning for someone to give me a little nudge (&quot;force&quot;) to get back to my circle. Now I want to be available to help when my friend suddenly stops contacting everyone because they have a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should I help a friend that is suddenly socially withdrawn?&lt;/strong&gt; Or should I just wait it out? The goal is to stop them from getting &lt;a href=&quot;https://maketheconnection.net/symptoms/social-withdrawal&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;even more withdrawn&lt;/a&gt;. They don't have to spend their time with me, but I want them to stop isolating themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both this friend and me are ethnic Chinese in Indonesia, but I'm looking for answer considering Asian culture (I think the culture is similar enough across the Asian for this matter).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T15:33:44.363" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T04:16:32.947" Title="How to help a friend that is suddenly socially withdrawn?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="432" CreationDate="2017-07-02T18:21:19.147" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Asking if it's ok seems completely appropriate, particularly if you're in someone else's home or car. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though there may be a reduced health risk, most vape products have an odor that other people may not appreciate, and that smell may linger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may just be my perspective, but when making changes to a shared atmosphere it's appropriate to ask. Even with more innocuous things like adjusting the temperature, or turning on a radio, if you're with others and you're not sure, ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've known a number of smokers who switched to vaping because it was less regulated. They could vape indoors in places where they couldn't smoke and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once upon a time smoking was common enough that people wouldn't think twice about lighting up in most places. As people became aware of the health issues, the etiquette adjusted and people were expected to ask or excuse themselves and go outside. My point is that the customs changed over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Vaping being a realitively new thing, the etiquette is still developing... But in a lot of places it seems to be being treated more and more like smoking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-07-02T18:33:43.137" LastActivityDate="2017-07-02T18:33:43.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="441" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-02T18:44:35.890" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depression is a mental illness in which people feel generally upset or not as happy as normal. Severe cases of depression can lead to self harm or even suicide. If you know anyone at risk of self-harm or suicide, or you yourself are feeling depressed, please get help immediately. You can read this question for more advice on getting help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/370/what-to-do-if-i-someone-i-know-is-feeling-depressed-suicidal&quot;&gt;What to do if I/Someone I know is feeling depressed/suicidal?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-03T15:13:30.027" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T15:13:30.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="442" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-02T18:44:35.890" Score="0" Body="For questions about depression, or depressed people. If you are depressed, please follow the guidance provided here - https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/370/what-to-do-if-i-someone-i-know-is-feeling-depressed-suicidal" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-03T15:13:01.413" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T15:13:01.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="443" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="470" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:11:36.113" Score="50" ViewCount="5333" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a disability that cannot be seen (&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.sclero.org/scleroderma/types/systemic/diffuse/a-to-z.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;diffuse scleroderma&lt;/a&gt; and a recalcitrant and relapsing &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/polymyositis&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;polymyositis&lt;/a&gt;). I seem to walk around ok, but my muscles are wasted and continue to rebuild and waste, making it difficult for me to walk long distances and climb steps. There's also a multitude of internal issues, I've had a totally &lt;a href=&quot;https://radiopaedia.org/articles/superior-vena-cava-obstruction&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;stenosed SVC&lt;/a&gt;  which was unblocked with venoplasty, but still causes me issues with breathing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the weakness is better than others and I do not require a disabled parking permit, but when I do, it's stressful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been confronted for parking in the disabled parking, even though I have a sticker. I had one man watch me leave a supermarket and load my shopping and got into my car. Then he noticed me lifting my leg with my hand to get into the car and walked away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A woman called out to me as I got out of my car, &quot;you don't look very disabled to me&quot; and I walked over to her and said I was, she didn't believe me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A man yelled out and was very aggressive, I walked over to him and told him off, telling him what was wrong with me. Although he wouldn't have understood the medical conditions, he understood my tone and was apologetic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This all makes me upset, I feel like &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/SjrHAe9efaY?t=2m19s&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;some kind of cheating criminal when I use the disabled parking&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can ignore people, but I would really like to communicate with them that what they're doing is unkind and that not all disabilities can be seen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does anyone have a suggestion of how I can handle people like this when confronted about using disabled parking? Maybe it will be just better to accept that this happens and learn to ignore it and not be upset?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="521" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T21:34:40.580" LastActivityDate="2018-12-24T08:03:55.357" Title="Using reserved &quot;disabled parking&quot; with a disability people cannot see" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;disability&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="444" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:15:02.540" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For questions about people with disabilities, the questioner or someone else. Navigating socially and in public around this subject. Any issues surrounding communicating with someone with a disability, any awkwardness, or being on the receiving end of insensitive encounters. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be used with the appropriate context tag e.g. &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/public-issues&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;public-issues&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;public-issues&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-07-03T07:53:28.407" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T07:53:28.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="445" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:15:02.540" Score="0" Body="For questions about people with disabilities, the questioner or someone else. Navigating socially and in public around this subject. Any issues surrounding communicating with someone with a disability, any awkwardness, or being on the receiving end of insensitive encounters. To be used with the appropriate context tag e.g. [friends], [public-issues]." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2019-12-31T04:36:52.117" LastActivityDate="2019-12-31T04:36:52.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="446" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:18:28.793" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A romantic relationship is one which includes a component of intimacy that goes beyond casual relationships. People in a romantic relationship often schedule time to spend together (dates). Romantic relationships can be exclusive (monogamous) or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For questions involving a romantic relationship, whether it is a current, previous or hoped for relationship or involving the romantic relationship of another couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2019-07-02T16:26:05.560" LastActivityDate="2019-07-02T16:26:05.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="447" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:18:28.793" Score="0" Body="For questions involving a romantic relationship, whether it is a current, previous or hoped for relationship or involving the romantic relationship of another couple." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-07-03T07:53:32.500" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T07:53:32.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="448" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="748" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:29:52.737" Score="17" ViewCount="2480" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had, what I thought, was a close friend. I told her something in the strictest of confidence and made it clear that it was personal and not to be repeated and that I had told no one else, which was true, no one else knew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then went to our workplace and someone came up to me and in a gossiping fashion said: &quot;I heard bla bla bla&quot; and repeated back the very thing I had told my friend. I asked her &quot;how did you know that&quot;. She replied &quot;oh so and so told&quot; and &lt;em&gt;so and so&lt;/em&gt; wasn't even my friend, but a third party, showing how viral the information had gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was furious and felt betrayed. How can I convey this to my friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2019-01-09T14:43:49.977" LastActivityDate="2019-01-09T14:43:49.977" Title="Confronting a friend about a betrayal of a confidence" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;trust&gt;&lt;betrayal&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="449" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:32:08.567" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In relationships trust is often built up over time, trusting the other with secrets and other confidential information. Trust is often an important part of a relationship, helping the people in it feel closer together, and also helping improve the relationship in general. Betrayal of trust in a relationship can often be a big deal for one or more of the people involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use this tag for questions about betrayal in relationships, where any type of trust has been broken, or where someone feels betrayed by someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be used with a tag to provide context of relationship type, for example &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/close-friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;close-friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;close-friends&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;. Can be used with the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/trust&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;trust&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;trust&lt;/a&gt; depending on if it's necessary for the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2018-11-13T10:02:08.137" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T10:02:08.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="450" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:32:08.567" Score="0" Body="For questions about betrayal in relationships. Where any type of trust has been broken." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:22:17.277" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:22:17.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="451" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:39:57.183" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For questions about the interpersonal skills used to navigate issues around sexual activity, including issues where there are sexual undertones. Not to be confused with &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/gender&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;gender&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;gender&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asking about interpersonal skills related to dealing with issues surrounding sexuality, please use &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/lgbt%2b&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;lgbt+&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;lgbt+&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2018-12-20T19:42:33.887" LastActivityDate="2018-12-20T19:42:33.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="452" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:39:57.183" Score="0" Body="For questions about the interpersonal skills used to navigate issues around sexual activity, including issues where there are sexual undertones. Not to be confused with 'gender'.&#xD;&#xA;&#xD;&#xA;When asking about interpersonal skills related to dealing with issues surrounding sexuality, please use 'lgbt+'. &#xD;&#xA;&#xD;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2018-12-20T19:45:10.057" LastActivityDate="2018-12-20T19:45:10.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="453" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:45:07.423" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Questions about interacting with teenagers (typically 13-19 years old), or questions posed by teenagers where their age is particularly relevant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tag should NOT be used where the age is merely incidental (e.g. where the age has no bearing on the specific issue being asked). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="3" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:23:27.473" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:23:27.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="454" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-03T03:45:07.423" Score="0" Body="For questions relating to or about teenagers. Where the questioner is a teenager or involves interaction with a teenager or teenagers. A teenager is generally defined as between 13-19 years old, but this can vary." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:22:30.327" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:22:30.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="443" CreationDate="2017-07-03T06:46:14.320" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;There is no point in making yourself or others more upset.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please consider that someone may have a disabled family member that all too frequently gets locked out by a callous, selfish fool that should not use disabled parking. For these specific people, I sympathize. And for you as well, obviously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that possibility in mind, it may not be appropriate to yell back. Plus it will definitely affect your own mood. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are returning to your car, I would suggest just flatly saying that this car belongs to you, and you are genuinely disabled as judged by a medical professional. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are leaving your car, invite them to call the police to satisfy their sense of justice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are considering whether you should just learn to ignore it. Well, if you are going to go out of your way, then consider getting a cane. You are replacing one inconvenience for another, but at least you can do so without getting upset. The cane will show that you are not one of the many self-serving fools who deserve to get a ticket. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T06:46:14.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="448" CreationDate="2017-07-03T08:10:20.630" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't necessarily have to trust her again, at least not for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day trust is something that's earned, and if you break that trust, it becomes even harder to earn it back again. In the long term to help reinforce how much she's betrayed your trust try not to trust her as much with things, tell her things &quot;don't matter&quot;, eventually she'll realise just how much it meant that she kept the secret, and hopefully will learn not to do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the short term, it may be worth taking her to one side (or a location where it's just you two), and having a word, telling her that you really thought you could trust her with that particular piece of information, and how it meant a lot to you that she could keep it. You can also try putting her in your shoes, by asking her &quot;How would you feel if I told someone a secret you told me?&quot;. Provided you still want to be friends with her you want her to realise what she's done wrong, but without coming across as rude or angry (while you might well be angry, being angry might damage the relationship or provoke an argument).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-22T08:20:05.527" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T08:20:05.527" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="443" CreationDate="2017-07-03T08:57:12.173" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is a typical case of a misunderstanding, they believe they are doing the right thing (&lt;em&gt;those who don't are such a tiny minority it would be wrong to immediately assume someone is part of it&lt;/em&gt;). They are genuinely willing to make this parking lot a better place for handicapped persons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their misunderstanding might be solvable by you explaining to them verbally, but it is tiring and even if you are very convincing they might still suspect that you just made that up. So if it were me I would try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your condition has a patients association or similar, their might exist a pamphlet that explain the condition and the current research. Hand them this pamphlet or a copy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Merits:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Since they are genuinely interested in making the world a better place for handicapped persons, they will most probably read it and might even end up donating for research.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is less tiring than reciting medical explanations for the millionth time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It will be clear that you're not making this up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your condition is very rare and has no such paper, a web printout might be OK as well. Have a few in your car and one in your purse just in case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example pamphlet: &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/88D7lm.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/88D7lm.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;&amp;quot;Understanding Alzheimers Disease&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-24T08:03:55.357" LastActivityDate="2018-12-24T08:03:55.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="458" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="463" CreationDate="2017-07-03T10:19:15.170" Score="7" ViewCount="527" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although I am more experienced than others in some field (Programming and Electronics, but that's not so relevant to the question), I am never given the opportunity to show my worth. The &quot;people&quot; and &quot;others&quot; I am referring to are friends of mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt it is because I constantly say &quot;I am better&quot;, because I don't say that. There have also been many occasions where a problem remained unsolved for days, because no one listened when I explained that I can solve it, and also when I explained the solution itself, it was disregarded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I show people that I can be useful, and that asking me for help can be worth the &quot;effort&quot;? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am simply not given opportunities to show my usefulness, whilst other people (who have less experience than I do) are constantly asked for help, which they often can't give.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T06:51:57.083" Title="Persuading people of my usefulness" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-02-19T22:01:58.327" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="459" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-03T10:51:50.613" Score="14" ViewCount="1648" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems like people in Japan never blow their nose, even though they rather often catch a cold.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;People still use tissues to touch their nose or press it a bit, but never while blowing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember a friend who came to Japan, who then blew his nose with a trumpet-like sound, triggering general hilarity among surrounding people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyday during winter you can see (and hear) people sniffling, it is not rare for co-workers with a cold to sniffle all day, and nobody seems to take offense, but I would rather avoid using that solution in order to stay concentrated on my tasks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how to deal with a runny nose in Japan?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T11:57:39.187" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T03:17:16.070" Title="How to deal with a runny nose in Japan?" Tags="&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;&lt;japan&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="460" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-03T10:58:48.187" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Japanese person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:37:25.003" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:37:25.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="461" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-03T10:58:48.187" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Japan or Japanese culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:41:22.607" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:41:22.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="391" CreationDate="2017-07-03T11:17:15.943" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It often feels really awkward to ask somebody a favour, especially when you don't know them very well, but once you summon the courage to do it, it's not really so hard&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is to be polite and to explain why their language makes you feel uncomfortable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've gone through what to say once, it just doesn't seem so hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have clear reasons for asking, it's not at all petty or prudish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't at all mind regular swearing, but I feel really uncomfortable when people use slurs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This script got me a really positive response from somebody who I didn;t think would be so considerate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you just used a slur.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm a person of colour, and I feel very uncomfortable when people use slurs around me because a lot of people who use that type of language are racist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that you mean no offence, but it would make me feel so much safer if you tried, just when you're around me, not to use that language.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="119" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T11:17:15.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="458" CreationDate="2017-07-03T11:52:17.853" Score="10" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Just do it.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is a problem that you can solve easily and your friends cannot. Just solve it. I understand that this might not be possible in some situations, but, if your friends see you effectively solve this one then they will know your skill and ask you in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Talk about it&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way is to casually bring it up in conversation maybe if someone asks &amp;quot;what are you guys doing this week&amp;quot; or something to that effect you could talk about what you like to do in your spare time / for a living / whenever you do programming and electronics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friends are interested in it, you might be able to go into a bit more detail about your projects / job / whenever you do programming and electronics and they might start asking you for help right then!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="72" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T11:52:17.853" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="458" CreationDate="2017-07-03T12:03:27.573" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There have also been many occasions where a problem remained unsolved for days, because no one listened when I explained that I can solve it, and also when I explained the solution itself, it was disregarded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best way to prove something to someone is by doing the task at hand, and notifying people/friends later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't mind me saying but if the people show the careless attitude like your friends showed, you might consider finding new friends, who if not encourage, at least show an appetite to listen to you and not disregard you totally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="142" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T12:03:27.573" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="465" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="477" CreationDate="2017-07-03T12:46:12.463" Score="13" ViewCount="1682" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question is not about &quot;officially&quot; reserved seating in a restaurant or similar venue, but rather about the practice of some people to put a towel, jacket, or other &quot;personal item,&quot; on a seat or sun lounger to hold their place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I accept that leaving such a &quot;reservation&quot; is sensible if leaving to use the toilet, or to grab a quick drink from the bar, but what about those who do so with the intention of not returning for hours?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best approach to addressing this in such cases as those who get up early to &quot;mark their spot&quot; at a hotel pool, then go to breakfast, and even shop, before actually using the seat?  Do you confront them politely, move their towel (etc), or just search for an &quot;available&quot; seat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T06:40:04.423" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T06:40:04.423" Title="What is the best way to deal with &quot;reserved&quot; seats at place like a hotel pool?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;reserved-seats&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="465" CreationDate="2017-07-03T13:17:36.543" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you confront them politely, move their towel (etc), or just search for an &quot;available&quot; seat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should reverse it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first option is to search for an &quot;available seat&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is not available, then you should try other ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;in a restaurant&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In India, people won't do so in restaurant. When they are about to eat, they get in to a restaurant and put a towel or bag in seat only for going to toilet / wash and they will come within 10 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I saw this behaviour mainly in Train.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is crowded, people sometimes throw a towel through the window to a seat before get in to &quot;reserve&quot; the seat. But anyone won't bargain with them because they will sit there. There is second type of people who put something on the seat and reserve it, go and stand near the door. They won't sit and never let anyone to sit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, you said that it is a restaurant or similar venue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't think people take reserve seats, go for shops and took hours to come back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you found that they will take much time to come back and there is no available seat, just move their belonging to a corner of the table and use the seat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because there is no such official reservation policy exist in most of the venues(putting something in the seat and go for outing)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a  sun lounger and the person is in pool, you should wait for some time and if they didn't return still, politely ask them to move their belonging from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19" LastEditorUserId="3" LastEditDate="2017-07-03T14:42:11.413" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T14:42:11.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="467" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6" CreationDate="2017-07-03T14:22:39.290" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;A solid group of friends is sometimes the result of a shared difficult experience. It can be a way to become accepted if such circumstances happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try too hard to not be seen as annoying, but if you see the group or a member of it in a very difficult situation, do your best to help them. Obviously, don't take their side if they are doing something really stupid though, you don't want stupid friends anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Help them understand math to avoid them repeating a year,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Manage to find food when everyone is stranded,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listen to their love lamentations and invite them to your party where their crush is coming, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;etc&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T14:22:39.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="468" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-03T15:16:45.050" Score="15" ViewCount="1478" Body="&lt;p&gt;I regularly go on dates with people where our dinner arrangement is to each pay for our own meal. When we ask a server to split the check (either by seat or 50/50 if there were multiple communal items), the server seems happy to do so and is able to do so quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I periodically read accounts online from restaurant servers that talk about how annoying it is to be asked to split a check. I like to think I'd be good at spotting that annoyance, but I know that in the US servers feel the need to always seem cheery and accommodating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand that splitting a check for a large group would be annoying, but I would assume that modern point-of-sale systems make a two-person check easy to split.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it rude to ask a server to split a restaurant check two ways? How inconvenienced will the server be?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I know that this varies by region; in Russia we asked to split a check and were curtly told, &quot;No. One check.&quot; I'm looking for answers based in the United States or similar cultures. I'm especially interested in an answer from someone who's worked recently as a server.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T21:46:19.110" Title="How inconvenienced will a server be if I ask them to split a check two ways?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;service-personnel&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-10-23T16:47:12.660" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="468" CreationDate="2017-07-03T15:49:09.173" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even in the US, this largely depends on the restaurant... or more specifically, on the software (if any) the restaurant uses for their point of sale (POS) system. I've had servers tell me they can't do it by seat but that they can do it in half... and very occasionally, I've had them say the opposite... and other times, they won't split it at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've not ever been a server but the way the POS system is designed largely determines how easy it is to split a check at the end of the meal. Some systems are pretty low-tech and, while they can pretty easily split the check in half, splitting on a per-person basis can be time consuming and pedantic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, some restaurants have fancy systems where the server enters the order by seat rather than by table, which means that the check is, effectively, already split. They can select the seat and swipe a card or tell the system to print checks for each seat, or for different groups of seats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an example from a restaurant chain here in Austin, Kerbey Lane:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/D2abi.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/D2abi.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Kerbey Lane Receipt with separate seats&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sup&gt; image from &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.yelp.com/biz_photos/kerbey-lane-cafe-austin-3?select=PEOrmsR5mZhKO1Mc3I3jRQ&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Yelp&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can see, each seat is totaled separately. I think there's also a total at the bottom of the receipt if one person is picking up the entire tab.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I think the important thing - and where this actually gets into Interpersonal Skills - is to respect your server's time, particularly if it's a really busy at the restaurant. &lt;strong&gt;Before the meal, ask them if they can split the check either by seat or in half.&lt;/strong&gt; Generally, if they know they need to do this ahead of time, they can make it easier on themselves at the end of the meal. Remember that if you're paying by seat, if you get any communal food (appetizers or desserts), someone will likely have to pick up the entire cost for it, so note who that person will be as well. Some systems may allow an item to be split in half but probably not in six. Make it easier on them and have someone pick up the queso alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they agree to split by seat, particularly if you're in a large group (6+) and you're all paying separately, consider padding the tip a little for them. It takes a lot more time to run six cards than one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's definitely not &lt;em&gt;rude&lt;/em&gt;, though. You're asking someone to do their job. They may be slightly inconvenienced because it takes a bit of time but by giving them advanced notice (asking permission) and a little bump in their tip (showing appreciation), you're showing that you respect them and appreciate their time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T21:46:19.110" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T21:46:19.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="443" CreationDate="2017-07-03T16:11:45.293" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is rude and presumptuous of them to question whether you have a disability, &lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; since your car was marked. This is something I understand happens to a lot of people with invisible illnesses or disabilities. Anyone who confronts or questions you is already being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you want to help educate people, so &lt;strong&gt;do so when you have the energy.&lt;/strong&gt; Say something direct, rehearsed, and difficult-to-challenge, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Some disabilities are invisible. The details of my disability are none of your business. If you have a problem, talk to someone in charge.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This communicates that hidden disabilities exist, that they are rude for confronting you, and deflects any followup away from you. You can practice saying it if it makes it less stressful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they persist, it's probably going to be stressful regardless of your approach. Just keep in mind that you're doing nothing wrong and that they are the rude one. You shouldn't have to defend your disability; they should be examining their own assumptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have the energy on a given day, keep in mind that &lt;strong&gt;there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.&lt;/strong&gt; Don't feel bad if sometimes you don't feel well-rested, brave, or healthy enough to educate others. You can still feel confident that you act in alignment with your values even if you don't pursue justice every moment of your life. They have had ample opportunity to educate themselves; any help you provide is extra and done out of your generosity to them and to other people with disabilities they might interact with in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T16:11:45.293" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="471" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="567" CreationDate="2017-07-03T16:59:43.487" Score="19" ViewCount="1397" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people have morning breath or garlic-breath of some sort. If I'm talking to a friend in a public place and I notice this, what should I do? Should I tell them to brush their teeth in the morning? Give them a mint? What is the politest way to tell them that their breath smells?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="257" LastEditorUserId="17" LastEditDate="2017-07-04T23:34:18.333" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T22:17:08.047" Title="What is the politest way to tell someone their breath smells?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="364" CreationDate="2017-07-03T20:45:53.477" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think TMI usually relates to either the sharer's lack of a social filter or their overestimation of affinity. Basically they will tend to blurt things out to just about anyone or they consider you to be a very close friend that they can talk to about such matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that's why the term &quot;TMI&quot; was created. It gives people a short gentle way of saying that they're being given information that's inappropriate​, or inappropriate for the context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So simply saying &quot;Whoa, TMI.&quot; works in most situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to convey that you're open to listening to them, but you don't need the graphic details, just say so.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If you need to talk, I'm listening, but the graphic details are TMI&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T20:45:53.477" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="474" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-03T20:50:07.000" Score="7" ViewCount="331" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is the situation. A short-term contract colleague is coming to the end of their time working with your firm or organization.  You, in their few months there, have never had so much as one conversation with them, though you have seen them around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A leaving card is being passed around the workplace, with the expectation that &quot;everyone&quot; give them a well wish message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Would it be rude to not sign it, or is it better to leave a trite &quot;Best wishes&quot; or &quot;Good luck?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-31T21:43:34.653" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T21:43:34.653" Title="Is it rude not to sign a collective card?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-05-31T21:50:34.797" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="474" CreationDate="2017-07-03T21:14:49.787" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Considering all of the points in your question, I'd say that you have little reason to sign the card and should feel perfectly fine with simply skipping it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It'd be one thing if you'd worked with them or had to interact with them at some point but, considering that you'd never worked with them or really met them, you have little reason to want to sign the card. Additionally, if this person doesn't know you, they would be unlikely to appreciate your note and may be confused by a name in the card that they don't recognize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For Admin's Day our office sent around cards for the four administrative assistants who work with us and I only signed the cards for the two I actually interact with, which left space for people who wanted to write a thanks to the other two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone asks you to sign the card and you want to know how to respond, you have a couple options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can say that you're busy right then and hope that they forget to come back.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they offer to leave it with you and ask you to pass it on to someone else, this is simple, just pass it on without signing it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they press you on it, be honest. Say that you don't really know them and you didn't work with them and you'd rather leave space for others.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternately, you can do what I did when someone I barely knew was leaving - the others around the office bought a poster for them with a meme on it (I don't remember which one) and I wrote something funny that related to the poster and had to do with him leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless, I would hope that none of your coworkers would be so pushy as to require you to sign a card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T21:14:49.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="429" CreationDate="2017-07-03T21:52:23.957" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Gesturing and paraphrasing, as suggested &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/430/106&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;, are good approaches.  (In your case you probably know the words for &quot;up&quot;, &quot;down&quot;, and &quot;move&quot;, which should help you get your point across.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another technique is one I've seen my non-native-English-speaking coworkers use.  When one of them is speaking and gets stuck, he pauses, holds up a finger (the &quot;wait a moment&quot; signal here in the US), and says something like &quot;I don't know the word&quot;.  Or, if another coworker he shares his native language with is present, he'll say &quot;how do you say&quot; in English and then say the foreign word and often get help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hebrew is a fast, compact language, which makes it hard to both follow and inject a pause, but maybe &quot;&lt;em&gt;lo yada daver&lt;/em&gt;&quot; or similar is still concise enough to work, even if under pressure you can't conjugate or decline correctly -- you just need to get the point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T21:52:23.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="477" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="465" CreationDate="2017-07-03T22:01:51.070" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would recommend that you first find another seat. Particularly around a pool, people often spend time in the pool and, if it's busy, you may not know who the items belong to and they may be nearby, just swimming. There's no reason to move someone's items if there are other seats available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are no seats available, take stock of what the items are (without being too nosy) - are they personally owned items (a book, sunglasses, purse) or public items (beverage glasses or hotel towels)? If the items are public items, they may have been left behind intentionally and the people are not planning to return. Next, see if the people sitting nearby know who owns the items and how long they've been away. If it's been a long while, you're probably safe to use the seats. If it's only been a few minutes, I'd try to find another spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are personal items and you decide to take over the space, be respectful of them. Group them together on a nearby table or turn them in to staff for the lost and found. Keep the name of the person you turned them over to so that it's easier for the owners to reclaim their items.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also see if the venue has any policy on this. Some hotels may have rules about reserving seats without occupying them or they may be able to help you find out if the owner still plans to return. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you start to take the spot and someone comes from the pool to let you know that it's their stuff, you might ask if they mind if you sit there while they're in the pool or you can move on to finding a new seat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you take the spot without someone stopping you and the owner returns a while later, I don't think you need to feel obliged to give up the spot. I would hope that they would realize that, without leaving a representative there to &quot;save&quot; the seats, they'd likely be taken by someone else, particularly during a busy time. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon that the very people who think this practice is OK are also the people who think they can throw a fit when you take &quot;their&quot; spot. It's a public seat and they weren't actively using it. It's perfectly acceptable for you to make use of it when they are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be on the lookout for alternate seating and either point them in that direction or be willing to move yourself if they get too vocal. Please, if they're unreasonable, don't be afraid to talk to the staff. That's part of why they're there. They may be able to offer a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-07-03T22:01:51.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="439" CreationDate="2017-07-04T04:29:11.407" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't force them to do what they don't want to do. What you can do is &lt;strong&gt;make yourself available&lt;/strong&gt; for when they are interested in social activities in your friend group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might have some sort of mental issue that is leading them to act against their own best interest. Alternately, they may have something going on that they've chosen not to share with you that might lead them to cut down on social events or seek out a different friend group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they choose to isolate themselves, that's their choice. If you want to be a supportive friend, offer them opportunities to connect in a way that doesn't pressure them to agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Check in periodically, letting them know that you miss them and giving them specific, low-effort ways to reconnect. You could say, &quot;We're grabbing a beer in your neighborhood on Thursday. Stop by if you're interested; it'd be nice to see you!&quot; or &quot;I made a bunch of cupcakes and I'm giving them out to people; want me to stop by and give you some?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure that you let them say &quot;no&quot; without consequence. As someone who's sometimes become socially reserved due to depression, something that discouraged me was the social pressure to reconnect and the fear that I was letting my friends down. It made it harder to deal with my condition. If you want your friend to be happy and healthy, you should make it clear that they are welcome and that you are not condemning them for avoiding you when they feel unable to participate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not your job as a friend to force your friend to be healthy; it's your job as a friend to welcome them and support them when they ask for help or want to rejoin your group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17" LastActivityDate="2017-07-04T04:29:11.407" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="479" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-04T05:49:41.120" Score="8" ViewCount="1145" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am at a crowded food court, food stalls all have a 20 minutes queue, and not a single seat is available. Eating outside of the food court is not an easy option either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then there is this 4 people table with nothing but a small bag put at the middle of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can only suppose that a person or group of persons has put it to &quot;reserve&quot; the table before going to the food stalls. I don't know how long ago they put it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am just one person, so I could eat on the corner of the table without touching the bag, and possibly be finished before they even come back. I could also simply wait for a seat to become free, which should take no more than 10 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Question 1: In this situation, is such &quot;reservation&quot; an acceptable behavior?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Question 2: What would you do in my case?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Spin off from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/465/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-reserved-seats-at-place-like-a-hotel-pool&quot;&gt;What is the best way to deal with &amp;quot;reserved&amp;quot; seats at place like a hotel pool?&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T17:49:34.257" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T17:49:34.257" Title="&quot;Reserved&quot; seats at crowded food court?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;reserved-seats&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-08-26T14:10:29.593" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="481" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="484" CreationDate="2017-07-04T13:51:53.483" Score="15" ViewCount="3116" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other day, I was invited by my girlfriend to her family's pre-4th-of-July barbecue, which was taking place later the same day. It involved her mom's side of the family, and about 15 relatives came. I was the only non-relative invited (and by her specifically), and she thought it would be nice if I could meet her extended family for the first time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that it was such short notice, and that I had planned to spend some time with my parents later that evening, I told her I could only spend 30 minutes to an hour there, even though I certainly wanted to go. She felt that it would be rude for me to stay for such a short amount of time, and said it would be better if I didn't go at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end I decided to go to the barbecue and stay for about two hours, after talking with my parents. I had absolutely no desire to be rude, and as it turned out, I was well-received by my girlfriend's family. However, I was still a little unsure about what I should have done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a college student in the United States, and we've been dating for two years. I already knew her parents, and I had briefly spoken to some of her other relatives, but I didn't know them well. Under these circumstances, would it have been rude for me to just spend 30-60 minutes at the barbecue, explaining the reason to my hosts? I think it was certainly safer for me go, but would doing otherwise have been a breach of etiquette?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T08:54:24.647" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T08:54:24.647" Title="Is it rude to stay for only 30 minutes or an hour at my girlfriend's family barbecue?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;teenagers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T01:52:33.243" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="439" CreationDate="2017-07-04T13:52:19.653" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your friend simply wants to spend some time alone then that is fine and acceptable behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they have a mental health issue, or a personal issue that they don't want to talk about then that is also understandable behaviour and as a friend you simply continue to invite that person out as normal and accept when they say no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bear in mind that if it is a mental health issue then accepting an invitation to a big event may feel like effort to them. Many people think that motivation comes before action - however this is not always the case with many illnesses. In order to gain any motivation then the person in question must choose to act first, against their lack of motivation which is a very difficult thing to do which can take some self awareness to achieve. &#xA;If this is the case then smaller activities or smaller social interactions may be easier for that person to accept which may slowly build upon their motivation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, as I previously said - not wanting to socialise and withdrawing socially are valid behaviour choices&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-07-04T13:52:19.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="465" CreationDate="2017-07-04T13:57:06.590" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If no other seat was available then I would address it with a member of staff. Tell them the situation and let them decide what the course of action is in this case. They are far more able to move and keep safe any items left unattended if it is their policy to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise they have the opportunity to inform you that their policy is to allow it in their hotel and to offer you alternative seating or entertainment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Within a managed environment like a hotel I think disputes between patrons should be dealt with via the staff or management rather than confronted head on between each other. It creates a barrier of propriety and gives the hotel staff opportunity to please all parties if they can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-07-04T13:57:06.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="481" CreationDate="2017-07-04T14:10:35.837" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;In most cases like this I would go to the event and be up front in greeting&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's great to see you! I'm very sorry but I'm only going to be able to stay around 30 minutes. My parents are expecting me for a similar celebration. However, I wanted to come and see you and spend as much time as I could because I have not seen you in a while&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd be doing my best to apologise and manage expectation over my time, indicate that it is my parents who are expecting me (someone of understandably greater hierarchy within my personal social order) and establish that I came because they are important people in my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in your case your girlfriend is suggesting that they would find this impolite. She knows her parents better than you do, so it may be worth listening to her and be cautious so as not to offend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This final decision would come down to if you believed you could pull off the interaction without offending. Knowing that they are likely to be offended, do you have enough confidence in your 'charm' to disarm them with words, get them feeling good about you being there at all. You have to switch the frame of that 30 minutes from looking like a small amount of time and flip it into a precious amount of time that you are sparing for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, then avoid offending&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-07-04T14:10:35.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="481" CreationDate="2017-07-04T17:07:48.933" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was still married this was the juggling act that we had to preform with nearly every major holiday... My ex-wife and I both came from split families so every occasion meant making appearances at 3-4 family functions, and very often having to carefully and delicately manage expectations for each.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found most helpful over the years was making an effort to address schedule conflicts early on in the planning stages. Just sort of making the various family factions aware of when the other factions were planning their events, which allowed them to adjust plans a little. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously you can't always expect everyone to play nice and be all that accommodating, but by informing them of prior engagements before they've set a time for their event they usually will be. In the worst case, they'll understand that you will have to leave early or show up late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your particular situation, being somewhat new to your girlfriend's family, it's good to put your best foot forward, but now is also a good time to start setting precedent. More or less, be upfront about your prior engagements and family obligations. You may even find that her family respects you more for it in the long run, it shows that you're responsible and that you're inclined to respect your parents wishes (parents like that sort of thing.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... TL;DR &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setting a particular time limit shouldn't be perceived as rude in most cases and try to give people the opportunity to work out a mutually beneficial event schedule. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S....&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Years from now if you opt to settle down with this particular girlfriend and have children... You'll be the keeper of the grandchildren and they're likely to become much, much more accommodating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-07-04T18:48:28.127" LastActivityDate="2017-07-04T18:48:28.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="486" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="487" CreationDate="2017-07-04T18:32:06.350" Score="12" ViewCount="632" Body="&lt;p&gt;Today more and more people are reviewing their dining experiences on such forums as Facebook and TripAdvisor. Many of these reviews include photos of their food and surroundings. Sometimes in these photos members of the staff, such as waiters or baristas, are either purposely or inadvertently included in the images. If this is the case, should permission be sought from that individual before posting the image?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-07-04T18:40:07.777" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T03:22:41.627" Title="Should permission be sought if someone's picture will end up on my online post about a restaurant?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="486" CreationDate="2017-07-04T19:23:50.943" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would endeavor to keep others out of the photos in the first place, as you &lt;em&gt;really never know&lt;/em&gt; when someone needs to avoid detection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am reminded of a workshop I once gave to educators.  The workshop went really well, and the teachers there enjoyed it very much.  I also had photographs taken, and intended to put them on my website.  When the workshop itself ended, I was pulled aside by the building administrator, who told me, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Please be careful with those photographs. Suzie&lt;/em&gt; (not her real name) &lt;em&gt;moved to this community with her daughter last year, and has been fleeing her abusive ex-husband. She and her daughter could be in a lot of danger if he figures out where she is living now.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I would blur out faces or ask permission before posting unknown strangers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastActivityDate="2017-07-04T19:23:50.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="486" CreationDate="2017-07-04T21:47:05.300" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In professional photography, it's good to ask as a matter of etiquette, but it isn't technically or legally required in most places in the US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I understand when people are in public places there isn't a reasonable expectation of privacy, so taking and later posting photographs is technically ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there are corner cases as mentioned in Ben's answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people have very good reason to not want to have their picture posted, so if you're taking photos where someone could be easily identified it's good to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally when taking photos of places or events I don't worry too much about wide crowd shots, but if I'm taking a photo of a person I make a point to ask, and be clear about what I intend to use the photo for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The usual spiel goes something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi, I'm &lt;code&gt;So and So&lt;/code&gt;, I'm taking pictures for &lt;code&gt;Such and Such website&lt;/code&gt;. Do you mind if I take your picture for our upcoming story about this &lt;code&gt;thing&lt;/code&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;code&gt;Take the photo or not depending&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Great, thanks, do you mind if I take down your name?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks again, we're hoping to post by &lt;code&gt;this date&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Check it out on &lt;code&gt;example.com&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:22:33.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="486" CreationDate="2017-07-05T00:24:40.137" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are several different things possibly going on here.  I'm assuming you're not asking about the legal side of the question, since that will very much depend on your area.  In some areas, posting the food with people in the background would be illegal without getting permission from those people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, since this is posted on IPS, I'm assuming the question has more to do with how it is socially viewed, and how others will take having pictures of them in the public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the majority of people, as others have already said, there won't really be that much of an issue.  If I see a picture of myself on Facebook behind a picture of food, I'm more likely to go, &quot;Hey, that's me!&quot; and show it to my friends than &quot;How dare they!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So long as the article you are taking a picture of is generally viewed as a relatively amoral subject, most people won't care peanuts that their picture is on the web.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, there is so much easy photo editing software available, I'd just take the trouble to blur out the faces &quot;just in case.&quot;  If there's no real good reason to have people's faces in the pictures, play it safe.  In any case, if it's well done, blurring the faces will tend to draw the attention more toward the article and less toward the surroundings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T00:24:40.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="491" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="492" CreationDate="2017-07-05T05:31:45.993" Score="18" ViewCount="972" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an allergy to dairy, and I do not expect others to know everything that contains dairy. At work, sometimes people bring things they've baked from home, or leftover birthday cake, things like that, which usually contain dairy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to mention my allergy when declining, but some people seem to feel bad that they didn't accomodate me, so now I just decline without saying why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which method would be less rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind that I miss out on cake - when it's my own birthday, I make a dairy-free cake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T09:12:12.647" Title="Should I mention an allergy when turning down offered food?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="492" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="491" CreationDate="2017-07-05T09:10:06.247" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife has a food allergy and an additional food intolerance. In my experience most people are happy with receiving the explanation of the reason for any refusal of such offers. In fact, more people accept the reason (thus not being offended by the rejection) than those who &quot;feel bad for not accommodating.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is especially true when the explanation is prefaced with, &quot;I really appreciate that you were thinking of me,&quot; or &quot;That is so very kind of you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It therefore seems that giving the explanation, far from being rude, shows an honesty (and trust with personal information) with the one making the offer.  It also avoids a similar situation with that person in the future, where a &quot;no thank you&quot; alone may not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T09:10:06.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="493" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="491" CreationDate="2017-07-05T09:12:12.647" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have had a highly restrictive diet for the last 20 years (no sugar, low fibre are the two big ones) and so have been dealing with this situation over and over again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most cases I do not mention it. I simply say that I don't want any, or I'm not much of a cake eater, I prefer savouries. Most people will let this pass and allow me to just hang out and enjoy the social occasion without anyone feeling bad or feeling they have to offer to go out of their way to accommodate me in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if these are people that I am going to see regularly or are going to be sharing food with often then I would find a way to get the information out there. I'd do it in a different setting, at a time when no one is going to be uncomfortable about food. This will inform their choices for later events, even if it is to give you prior warning so you can bring something yourself to join in with if you wish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also removes the 'big reveal' of how no one has considered you when you turn up with a dairy free cake at an event and people find out why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not fool proof. 20 years on many of my friends continue to forget and feel bad, but thankfully they are friends and know I am laid back about it. I also make sure that I eat before events like this or bring a snack as there is rarely food I can eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T09:12:12.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="494" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-05T09:22:06.153" Score="19" ViewCount="1205" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was on the train and a young woman, who was a stranger to me, was sitting in the seat across the aisle from me.  She was clearly in distress, and periodically would begin to cry.  In such a case how should care or concern (kindness) be shown without seeming to be prying into their affairs?  Would a gentle &quot;are you alright?&quot; be appropriate? Would offering a tissue be an option, or might that be too vague a gesture? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T07:42:08.280" Title="How do you show concern or kindness to a stranger without being intrusive?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="495" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-05T09:33:01.043" Score="10" ViewCount="506" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I was eating with friends in a busy restaurant, and I was surprised to see one friend call a waiter only to take a group picture of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it acceptable to bother busy restaurant staff for pictures, which is probably not part of their job?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If not, how should I have tried to prevent this from happening?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastEditorUserId="129" LastEditDate="2017-07-06T02:31:16.407" LastActivityDate="2017-07-06T02:31:16.407" Title="Is it acceptable to call restaurant staff to take our picture?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="496" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="494" CreationDate="2017-07-05T10:53:17.567" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you alright?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is fine, but if you feel less confident and wish to couch your language a little more then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't mean to intrude but I wanted to check you are ok and if there is anything I can do to help&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then make a suggested offer of help: a tissue, a glass of water, someone to talk to, call a family member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is less direct, as it doesn't ask a question that the person may feel they have to lie to, i.e. saying they are alright when they are obviously not. It gives them an 'out' along the lines of,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll be ok and no there is nothing. But thank you for offering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally think that showing kindness and caring should outweigh impropriety. That we should show caring for others even if it feels socially awkward or there is a social pressure against it - so please go for it and show kindness for someone if it is genuine and deal with the risk of them feeling you are prying. The up-side is you could change someone's life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-26T14:22:17.437" LastActivityDate="2017-11-26T14:22:17.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="497" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="495" CreationDate="2017-07-05T12:13:55.657" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it acceptable to bother &lt;strong&gt;busy restaurant staff&lt;/strong&gt; for pictures?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although the restaurant policy allows this, interrupting busy staff is not acceptable. However, if they are available (not busy), politely requesting them is generally acceptable. Make sure you give tips to the staff for their service. If they are not allowed to accept tips (in some country), ask what can you do to say thank you. I find it very appropriate to leave a compliment to the particular staff in the feedback form.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I must add that asking for pictures is actually encouraged (in Indonesia) by the management, as it is basically a free advertising in social media. Just make sure it is done in a timely manner, and never make the request in a busy hour - at least wait and enjoy the atmosphere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="123" LastEditDate="2017-07-05T13:29:21.987" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T13:29:21.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="498" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="495" CreationDate="2017-07-05T14:47:58.867" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best thing to do is to pick a time when the waiter is helping you with something else, like taking your order for a meal, or bringing a check. That way, you minimize the &quot;extra&quot; work for the waiter, or at least the need to take an extra trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T14:47:58.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="499" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-05T17:10:38.653" Score="6" ViewCount="974" Body="&lt;p&gt;Related: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/86/managing-a-bad-temper-in-close-relationships&quot;&gt;Managing a bad temper in close relationships&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe most of us have similar problem. We try to avoid conflict with strangers by polite behavior, but we struggle to do the same with our family. We have a saying here that roughly translates to &quot;you are not a close friend if you never fight (argue/disagreement, not literal fight) with each other&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, people know me as a patient person - this is true especially at work and with strangers I met on the street. However, I'm short fused at home, especially in a discussion with my dad, which usually will become heated quickly after a minor disagreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm interested in &lt;strong&gt;why we are inclined to be like this?&lt;/strong&gt; Is this has a connection to our past failed interactions with them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:01:35.393" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T19:01:35.393" Title="Why the closer the relationship is, the worse conflict we experience?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-10-23T08:51:50.190" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="500" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-05T17:14:03.853" Score="18" ViewCount="2691" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a Facebook profile and use it to have fun and keep in touch with friends. I do my best to keep personal drama off of my Facebook page, be it mine or another person's drama, it doesn't belong on my front page.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I have some family and a few &quot;friends&quot; that, for some reason, feel it is acceptable to talk about my drama on their pages. Many times it is talked about abstractly, but just as often I am tagged in their posts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Removing these people from my friends just creates more drama with my family that thinks that it is their right to be my friend on Facebook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I best communicate that I do not want people sharing any of my information, or posting about problems I am having? If I want the topics out on Facebook I will put them out there myself or ask someone to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-07-05T22:40:36.090" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T00:56:57.117" Title="I have a problem with family members sharing my personal drama on Facebook" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="501" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="499" CreationDate="2017-07-05T17:26:05.683" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Because, we are more invested in that relationship so any conflict in a close relationship is going to seem more serious to us than the identical conflict with someone with whom we have a very distant relationship.  Because the relationship is valued more and is more central to your life, the conflict is going to be felt more often and more acutely than one with a distant relationship with someone you rarely have any direct or indirect communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This concept is a fundamental to the philosophical theory of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectivism_(Ayn_Rand)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Objectivism&lt;/a&gt; first developed and documented by Ayn Rand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T17:26:05.683" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="495" CreationDate="2017-07-05T17:39:57.687" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it acceptable for &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; to do it?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No. It is inconsiderate of other patrons and may lead to the other patrons or yourself getting food at a lower than proper serving temperature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it acceptable for me to take offense at some one else doing it?'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No. It is the restaurant's responsibility to manage these issues, make their customers happy, and get your food to you in an effected and sanitary way.  Not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it acceptable for me to take my business elsewhere if I do not like&#xA;  the way the business handles this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes.  It is your money and you choose who to patronize and who to reward.  The most effective way to promote a change in business practice is to take your business to companies that follow policies that you agree with.  Be it with how they pay their employees, whom they support or do not support politically, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it acceptable for me voice this publicly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people will respect this, others will disagree with you and have issue with your complaints.  Even if those complaints are more mainstream like the cleanliness of the kitchen.  It is a safer route to voice your concern privately rather than publicly, a public display is more likely to affect the decisions of other people.  This may come at a cost to your reputation of being a &quot;Drama Queen&quot; or the like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T17:39:57.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="479" CreationDate="2017-07-05T19:28:25.850" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;A food court is no place to reserve seating. They are designed specifically to have a very high throughput. This is disruptive of that. You may take the seat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're confronted, and it seems plausible, common ways to handle this are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suggesting the group eat with you. (make sure there's enough seats, and be friendly and open!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Humor them and tell them you're guarding their bag to make sure it wasn't stolen.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain that you'll be done quickly, and that it's a mild inconvenience. (make sure it's the truth)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Move. It's no sign of weakness to move when prompted. Be respectful. 4 &gt; 1.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the group is particularly rough, and I &lt;em&gt;wouldn't give up a seat for them on a train&lt;/em&gt;, I would hold my ground. Very rarely would one not think it necessary to give up a single seat to make 4 more. Those occasions do arise, though.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T19:28:25.850" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="505" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="500" CreationDate="2017-07-05T19:36:44.253" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Your family has no 'privileged access' to your social media.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social media is not something that anyone has a rightful access to, and regardless of what others say, your information is private. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I would simply block offending users silently until they move on. Often times the best solution to drama is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don't feed it&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this escalates, there is always a way to block them on other social media, and keep them out of your life. If they see no reaction, they'll move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T19:36:44.253" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="500" CreationDate="2017-07-05T22:34:16.120" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You can call attentions to the truth: This is hurting you.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Your options are somewhat limited because we are talking about instinctive human nature.&lt;/em&gt; People have been talking behind each other's backs since Man learned how to talk and to walk far enough to be outside of hearing range of someone else. Certain parts of these conversations about you will be incorrect or hurtful. And there is little that can be done to stop or control it. Facebook and other media are an extension of that (along with the other awesome aspects about them -- to be fair).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what can be done about these hurtful things on Facebook?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you could do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Every time they do this, send them a polite but firm email stating that their comment was hurtful to you. And state that, if they care at all about you, then they will stop. Serial number the emails so they have a clear idea about how often they are hurting and have been hurting you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(Optional) On your Facebook, simply make a statement that on so-and-so date, this person posted a comment about you that you found hurtful, and they knew that it would have this effect on you. (If you consider this too aggressive or negative, simply stick with the emails.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should not do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Retaliate in kind. This reduces you to their level.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Silently take it (after a perfunctory criticism). This gives them somewhat of a tacit approval to proceed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Removing these people from my friends&quot; (as you stated), or talking behind their backs about this would probably turn you into &quot;the hostile one&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-07-05T22:34:16.120" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="499" CreationDate="2017-07-05T23:06:08.187" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;A close relationship is much more complex than the limited interaction with a stranger.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would echo Chad's answer about being more invested in a close relationship. Things said and done just mean more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I would add that a long term relationship resides in our minds as a complex interaction between past positive interactions and negative ones. They reside in our minds by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How important those instances were&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How old they are&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whether they tend to be, on the whole, positive or negative. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you are going to interact with someone with whom you always have a positive experience, you would have an optimistic expectation. Because you like this person, you would give them more leeway for something that would be counter to that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, you would tend to go the other way with someone you don't like. And you have everything in between. With close relationships, things are just more complex in very many ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-07-27T13:26:24.397" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T13:26:24.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="499" CreationDate="2017-07-06T00:37:19.930" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a conversation with a Sunni fellow who had immigrated to the US that seemed remarkable to me. I was asking him about his perceptions of relationships with other middle eastern groups, and (due warning), his views were quite racist.  However, in this instance, they point to an important principle that I think goes deeply into why we struggle so much in close relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked him about the Coptic Christians, and he said, &quot;Not a great people.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked him about the Jews, and he said, &quot;yes, well they are the enemy.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked him about the Shiites (another branch of Islam), and he practically spat, &quot;they are not even &lt;em&gt;people!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This entire interaction took me quite by surprise. Why would his vitriol be in an inverse relation to how similar the group in question was?  But, of course, within that question also lies the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more similar and related someone is to us, &lt;em&gt;the more they seem like a reflection of us&lt;/em&gt;, the more threatening differences become.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will guess that you have terribly little jealousy of the Queen of England. Which is perhaps a bit odd. She is the largest personal landowner in all of Britain, fantastically wealthy, and adored by many the world over. It would be great to be in her place!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, many folks get awfully jealous when a colleague gets picked up for a choice extra project at work, or when one of their close friends seems very happy in their marriage.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that we can't relate to the Queen. We can't imagine ourselves in her shoes, so there is no threat in her success.  But a coworker or a childhood friend is another matter entirely.  We can imagine their successes being our successes, and we desire them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The opinion or actions of a parent, a child, or a spouse feels so personal that it borders on the existential.  If my dad is angry at me, this becomes a central, visceral threat. If my kid is failing at social studies, this becomes a reflection upon me as a parent.  If my spouse disagrees with me on how to spend our collective budget, this impinges on my way of life and on my central priorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If my buddy from work wants to buy a different model baby monitor, the existential threat isn't removed; it never exists in the first place. Similarly, if someone from a completely different walk of life decides to plant a different kind of seed in his field, I am unthreatened. It has no bearing on my life or who I hold myself to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The closer another person is to you, the more they seem like a fun house mirror image, and the more even the smallest differences can feel like an attack on your very being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastActivityDate="2017-07-06T00:37:19.930" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="397" CreationDate="2017-07-06T00:58:03.290" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Shy is not something we can easily avoid becoming; genetics and life experiences both contribute to it, along with how we are raised. Added to the fact that many shy people don't realize there are ways to help it - shyness then gets thought of as a non-fixable personality trait. Even if a shy person does know there are ways to help, shyness by its very nature could keep them from asking for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199511/the-cost-shyness&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;This article at Psychology Today&lt;/a&gt; explains shyness well, including the contributing factors:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Genetics:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;According to developmental psychologist Jerome Kagan, Ph.D., and&#xA;  colleagues at Harvard University, &lt;strong&gt;up to a third of shy adults were&#xA;  born with a temperament that inclined them to it&lt;/strong&gt;. The team has been&#xA;  able to identify shyness in young infants before environmental&#xA;  conditions make an impact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Further evidence of a biological contribution to shyness is a &lt;strong&gt;pattern&#xA;  of inheritance suggesting direct genetic transmission from one&#xA;  generation to the next&lt;/strong&gt;. Parents and grandparents of inhibited infants&#xA;  are more likely to report being shy as children than the relatives of&#xA;  uninhibited children, Snidman found in one study.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Life Experiences:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Most shyness is acquired through life experiences&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How we're raised:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some people are born with a temperamental tilt to shyness. But even&#xA;  that inheritance doesn't doom one to a life of averting others' eyes.&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;A lot depends on parenting&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The incidence of shyness varies among countries. Israelis seem to be&#xA;  the least shy inhabitants of the world. A major contributing factor:&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;cultural styles of assigning praise and blame to kids&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But shyness can sometimes be overcome, at least to some degree. The article also states:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Despite the biological hold of shyness, there are now specific and&#xA;  well-documented ways to overcome its crippling effects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned by Kev Price in the comments, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) has been shown to help. I'm not sure if you would have the chance to incorporate a bit of that into a one-week visit, but it might be something to suggest to your friend. &lt;a href=&quot;https://psychcentral.com/lib/in-depth-cognitive-behavioral-therapy/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here is a good overview&lt;/a&gt; of what CBT is and how it can help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In reference to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/397/how-can-i-help-a-shy-friend-to-be-less-shy?rq=1#comment622_397&quot;&gt;Catija's comment&lt;/a&gt; above: being unable to speak to people when you are shy is &lt;em&gt;very normal&lt;/em&gt;. That characteristic is practically the layman's definition of shyness. We have phobias to describe the extreme cases: fear of leaving your home, fear of the public, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To answer your question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The list of starting activities sounds like a good beginning. The main things to remember are: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start small &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Always have their back&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second point can mean anything from not leaving them to fend for themselves at a crowded party, to cheerfully leaving that crowded party with them 5 minutes after you arrive because it's too overwhelming for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also bear in mind that your friend might agree to go do a certain activity, but back out when the time comes. This is not motivated by anything in particular (except sometimes, panic) - most of the time it's because the shy person thought, &quot;Sure, I can do that,&quot; but as the time gets closer they realize how awkward, overwhelming, or far out of their comfort zone it might be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this happens, make sure they know you are not blaming or judging them, and see if you can talk through what about the activity is causing the reticence or distress. Don't try to debate their points, just listen. If they are willing, you two can try to think of another activity to replace that one with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As time goes on and your shy friend starts to trust in the fact that you are not going to judge them, put them down, talk them into doing anything, or tell them they need mental help, that trust is likely to give them more confidence to try new things. Practice, practice, and try to form some more outgoing habits. Sometimes all a shy person needs is a &quot;partner in crime&quot; - someone to diffuse the awkwardness, or similar. Also, for some reason, an activity far from home can be more appealing than one right up the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These activities will help by setting the thoughts and memories of these good experiences against the negative thoughts your friend usually has about situations like that. The more good experiences they have, the less impact the prior contributing factors will have; this is basically what CBT does, except that it tries to make you more conscious of the negative thoughts you have so that you can purposely counteract them. So your activities could have elements of CBT without you even trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Patience is key; your friend has most likely been living with this all her life, so it will probably take some time for her to come out of her shell. And sometimes shy people just don't. You will at least have gotten to spend some quality time with your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="272" LastEditorUserId="272" LastEditDate="2017-07-07T10:03:12.113" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T10:03:12.113" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="510" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="512" CreationDate="2017-07-06T04:14:37.873" Score="14" ViewCount="2007" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had an incident yesterday where it was late at night and an acquaintance/friend called me to come over to help him with a non-emergency urgent matter, so I told him I would love to help him, but it's really late and I really need to get to sleep, but he refused to accept that and continued pleading with me to come help him. It got to the point where I just hung up on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel really bad about doing that, but I didn't feel like I had any other choice. Is there anything I could have done to end that conversation properly and perhaps even on a friendly note?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="52" LastEditorUserId="52" LastEditDate="2017-07-18T01:43:02.710" LastActivityDate="2017-07-18T21:26:45.820" Title="Saying &quot;No&quot; to someone who refuses to let up" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="511" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="513" CreationDate="2017-07-06T05:53:27.947" Score="9" ViewCount="1317" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the event of bereavements and health emergencies, many people are given meals by friends and more distant relatives.  While there is little (or no) question as to whether objects such as casserole dishes or Tupperware containers be returned (that answer being yes), how about disposable or reused containers? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a recent &quot;family crisis&quot; we were given such gifts of kindness.  I dutifully washed receptacles and returned them, with a sincere thank you message.  This include a foil &quot;take away&quot; (&quot;carry-out&quot;) tray and a reused plastic ice cream container.  When these items were returned, the original giver looked bemused, and unsure what to do with them. I felt bad that I had apparently left them with some embarrassment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does courtesy and respect for property dictate that one should always attempt to return such items?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-07-06T15:03:02.827" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T22:54:46.977" Title="Should food containers be returned to the donor?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="510" CreationDate="2017-07-06T06:27:01.873" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;He probably knew you would feel bad, and that's why he did it. He was taking advantage of your feelings in order to get his way at your expense.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's true that he will just keep you on the line at your expense, then there is no way that the conversation will end with him satisfied. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be polite; be firm; and be on your way to getting some sleep. Before doing this, if it's OK with you, invite him to make an appointment when it's convenient for both of you. His refusal to do this should go a long way toward confirming his rudeness (and allowing you to not feel bad about it hopefully).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply conclude the conversation by saying something like the following (without pausing if he tries to interrupt):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's been nice talking to you. I'm going to sleep now. Good night. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One might say it's a technicality. But I would say the above is not completely hanging up. It's concluding a conversation on your terms while you are speaking. (Hanging up in a completely rude way would be if you hung up while he was speaking.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-07-06T06:34:27.700" LastActivityDate="2017-07-06T06:34:27.700" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="513" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="511" CreationDate="2017-07-06T07:19:23.873" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd imagine it would be more for the take away container. If we're thinking of the same thing (A small foil tray which is usually thrown out after the food is eaten) then returning this would seem rather odd, as this is only something they'd then throw out. If it's something that wouldn't be used again (i.e. would be thrown out) it would be more polite to just bin/recycle it yourself, as you're only inconveniencing them by returning it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the &quot;odd look&quot; wasn't just for the take away container (which I'm thinking it might &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; have been for that one item). Then it may have  been that they didn't really want the ice cream tub back (i.e. it wasn't something they intended on receiving back). If they live a fair distance away (i.e. you had to drive to get there) then they might be bemused as to the amount of effort you put in to return something so easily replaceable and trivial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of courtesy, you shouldn't need to return something that is usually binned after use, you can always bin it yourself. With something that was being re-used, if it's something like an ice cream container, you usually don't need to as usually people will use less valuable containers if they're not expecting/don't want it back, however next time you see them you can always ask &quot;Hey do you want  back?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2017-07-06T07:19:23.873" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="514" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="511" CreationDate="2017-07-06T12:14:50.707" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Since our family does a lot of &amp;quot;dish gifts&amp;quot; to families either in crises or with a new little one or simply getting older and having trouble keeping up with the cooking, I've frequently been on the other side of the spectrum.  There are two things I would personally keep in mind.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1. The expectations of the sender&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, the selection of container to send a given food article in would depend in large extent on whether we &lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt; the person to give back the dish.  For instance, if we are sending cookies and lasagna over to a family that has recently had a new birth, if we expect the pans to return, we'll send it in cookie tin and a glass dish.  On the other hand, if we don't expect the pans to return, we'll just put both in aluminum tin foils.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, if the dish is in a throw away pan, I would take for granted that it was to be thrown away: that the giver &lt;em&gt;expected&lt;/em&gt; you to throw it away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. The cost of the pans&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously, how much does a throw away tin foil cost?  A couple pounds (euros, dollars, etc.)?  If the person was kind enough to give you a meal, I doubt they will grudge you a 2 dollar pan.  In any case, sending the pan back (if it's a throw away pan) is likely just passing on an inconvenience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bottom line&lt;/strong&gt;:  Just throw out throw away pans.  They're not expensive, and it was probably what was intended anyhow.  Hope some of this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-06T12:14:50.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="515" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-06T16:43:16.743" Score="21" ViewCount="865" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was in school I was active in Choir and Theater and learned to project my voice well. Topped off by a several years in the Army reinforcing the commanding tone, combined with a lack of awareness on my part leads to my talking in a loud voice unintentionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only technique I have been successful with is reducing the opportunities by intentionally staying out of conversations unless I am directly asked questions. This reduces the occurrence of the problem but does not solve it. Many times I have been asked to bring my volume down, even in meetings. It is not something I am doing consciously though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I seem to notice it becomes more of a problem when I am trying to assert my position. I am told it makes me seem like I am trying to dominate rather than convince, which is not my conscience intent. As a result my arguments for my position are often less effective than when I do manage to control my volume and tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything I can do to keep from becoming boisterous while talking with others?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-06T16:47:44.913" LastActivityDate="2019-03-06T16:47:44.913" Title="What can I do to moderate my talking volume better when interacting with a group of people?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="479" CreationDate="2017-07-06T17:30:46.700" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hit and run,&quot;(the latter if necessary) seems like the way to go. For several reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone may have left their bag behind, and the table is not really &quot;reserved.&quot; &lt;br&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may be finished before the people get back. In which case, you are within your rights.&lt;br&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may finish &lt;em&gt;shortly after&lt;/em&gt; the people get back. If that's the case, the slight inconvenience to them is outweighed by the savings to you. If it is less than one fourth of your time, this will be true even you multiply their inconvenience by four. &lt;br&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They come back shortly after you sit down, and demand their table back. Then, you might want to move and wait ten minutes for another spot. But in the other three scenarios, it's not necessary.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="129" LastEditDate="2017-07-07T06:38:01.703" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T06:38:01.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="511" CreationDate="2017-07-06T17:36:35.230" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In theory, yes. In the situation you described, not necessarily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea applies most if someone is sending you food on a regular basis. Then you want to at least return their (multiple) containers to them so they don't run out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under &quot;bereavement,&quot; you're talking about one time gifts from many people. Unless a container is particularly valuable, the effort of sending back one container to each of a large number of people (how can you even keep track of whose is whose) is more than it is likely to be worth. And people will understand that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-06T17:36:35.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="500" CreationDate="2017-07-06T19:43:01.603" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a pretty common problem with social media. People often don't really realize that it's not an appropriate place to have private or delicate conversations...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More often than not, people who make these mistakes don't mean any harm, they just don't know any better. Their intent is usually to show their concern, sympathy, or condolences they just didn't think about the online implications. It's a bit like the difference between pulling someone aside for a private moment and saying the same thing through a microphone in a crowded room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually the easiest way to handle these situations is to make that difference clear to people. Sort of a:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I appreciate that you care about my situation, but when you put it on social media, you're inadvertently making an announcement to the whole world. Some things are better expressed in private, shoot me an email or private chat message next time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sort of approach tends to be pretty well received, because it isn't a flat out admonishment like a &quot;mind your own business&quot; and it offers a good alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-06T19:43:01.603" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="500" CreationDate="2017-07-06T19:56:16.847" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You fundamentally can't force people not to speak. Or, rather you can, but you very rapidly move toward ethical and legal problems. What you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do is take away some of the energy that encourages them to speak. By putting distance between yourself and the gossip, you reduce the energy and freneticity of the topic, and people move on to something else. When people gossip about you, it's like being the subject of a news story. The less you give back to the story, the less interesting it is, and the quicker those who thrive on being the center of attention will turn their attentions elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I very much like &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/506/266&quot;&gt;John's answer&lt;/a&gt; for some if its direct communication, I have some suggestions to  follow along-side--not in replacement of--John's suggestions. The first two steps are fairly passive, and not likely to escalate existing tensions; they're designed to retain relationships by reducing amplifying feedback. The third step involves asserting positive, reasonable authority over your own little corner of Facebook, and the final step involves out-right removal of them from your online life, to the extent that that's possible:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step is to lock down your Facebook profile. To the extent you have any passive control over what people say about you on Facebook, that control is available via your privacy settings. Disallow people from tagging you. Disallow people from writing on your wall. This reduces an agitator's ability to push their message at you in a public way that's likely to get amplified by comments and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, unfollow agitators. Facebook doesn't show everybody everything happening about all of their friends. It tries to maximize interaction by looking for people who interact a lot when presented with each others' posts and comments. You can hide (most of) agitators' posts and activity by unfollowing them. This is distinct from unfriending; you can still see each others' content, but you won't see theirs unless they post somewhere else you were already looking, or unless you visit their profile. By not being &lt;em&gt;presented&lt;/em&gt; with their messages, you're less likely to interact with their material, and so Facebook is less likely to show them yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, you can lay down rules for your Facebook wall. It's your private space, and it's under your control. If they engage in these behaviors on your wall, you can ask them politely not to. I wouldn't expect immediate compliance, but I wouldn't respond to any immediate retort of theirs; that way only lies escalation, which is the opposite of what we want. If they do it again later, remind them. If they refuse to follow your rules, and you've given them a couple explicit opportunities and some time to let those opportunities to sink in, it's time for the next step. (It's important not to rush, as rapid progression from &quot;whatever&quot; to &quot;goodbye&quot; gives the impression of being irrational and unreasonable to those aware of the event. No matter how unfair those assessments are, they still make social interactions awkward.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourth is simple unfriending. Given how promiscuous we tend to be about friending people on Facebook, unfriending tells them they're not even worth your passive, occasional attention, and you really don't care about them online. It's going to sting them, but that's not the reason we do it. We do it because it prevents them from being able to be jerks on &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; Wall, after they overtly insisted on being jerks, or were insistently obtuse and un-self-aware about their being jerks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, step four is going to sting them. Expect some fallout from that. If you can, try to go a week before taking any further action; hopefully any upheaval in your social circles will have cooled some in the interim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; insist on being jerks on Facebook, there's not much you can do to prevent it. But you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; limit how much you let it stress you out: You can block them. Blocking them prevents them from being able to see your posts, and prevents you from seeing theirs, including their comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, you don't have to get all the way down here. Time and ignoring gossip can go a long way to making yourself uninteresting to them, and finding ways to hide their activities can help reduce your stress levels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 1, make it harder for people to draw you and your other contacts into their gossip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 2, pay no attention to the gossipers, and Facebook will tend to naturally draw them away from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 3, if the gossipers are deliberately bringing their trash to you, you can positively assert authority over your personal space, but you need to be perceived as calm and reasonable about it to reduce the blowback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 4, if the gossipers truly won't take &quot;leave it alone&quot; for an answer, all you can do is block them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="266" LastEditorUserId="266" LastEditDate="2017-07-07T00:56:57.117" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T00:56:57.117" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="523" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="481" CreationDate="2017-07-06T20:18:07.970" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;All's well that ends well.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did the right thing by telling your girlfriend's family of your dilemma. This would particularly apply since they asked you last, and you had other commitments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under other circumstances, you should have respected their request not to show up. Because it's your girlfriend's family (and your potential in laws), you brokered a &quot;compromise&quot; and stayed for two hours, at some cost to your own family. Under the circumstances (potential in laws) that was a smart thing to do because it could be &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; inlaws also. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will be called to walk such similar &quot;fine lines&quot; in the future, if not with these people, with others. Good job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-06T20:18:07.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="526" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-07T07:48:56.343" Score="22" ViewCount="3135" Body="&lt;p&gt;During the summer, many Japanese people go to fireworks or bonodori festivals wearing a &quot;yukata&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/TBS0X.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/TBS0X.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_BON_festival_dance._(4893618522).jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;source&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a non-Japanese person going to such events, should I refrain from using a yukata?  I'm worried it might be seen as insensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T15:46:57.713" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T16:54:56.960" Title="Is it appropriate for a non-Japanese person to wear a yukata when going to fireworks?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;japan&gt;&lt;cultural-appropriation&gt;&lt;clothing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="528" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-07T12:22:04.710" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Social events are usually gatherings of friends/colleagues. They are usually organised by one person and can often have things such as dress codes or requests to bring certain items. Examples of social events can include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Parties&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Weddings/Funerals&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reunions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Balls&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tags like &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/family&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;family&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;family&lt;/a&gt; should be used to attain who is attending the social event, and tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; should be used too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:41:47.977" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:41:47.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="529" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-07T12:22:04.710" Score="0" Body="For questions about issues that take place in a situation where there are many other people around, ranging from strangers to close friends." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:41:45.143" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:41:45.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="530" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-07T12:25:57.273" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Questions about online interaction with anyone where romantic or sexual relationships are not involved should use &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/online-interaction&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;online-interaction&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;online-interaction&lt;/a&gt; instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-04-29T15:14:35.503" LastActivityDate="2019-04-29T15:14:35.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="531" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-07T12:25:57.273" Score="0" Body="For questions about online-based relationships involving a significant other or sexual partner. " OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-04-29T15:13:41.563" LastActivityDate="2019-04-29T15:13:41.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="532" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-07T12:28:02.140" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Korean person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:24:24.010" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:24:24.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="533" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-07T12:28:02.140" Score="0" Body="Questions that has a specific focus on people in Korea, or the Korean culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="3" LastEditDate="2017-07-07T13:32:10.797" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T13:32:10.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="534" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-07T12:42:17.543" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often the unwritten, but widely accepted, rules of etiquette are a very important aspect of interacting in a particular setting. Questions here should be about using proper etiquette, and whether something is (or is not) proper etiquette. Locations often include public locations, but can also include more private locations too, such as with family or friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Etiquette can vary greatly between cultures. What is common practice in one country may be highly offensive in another country. When answering questions tagged with &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/etiquette&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;etiquette&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;etiquette&lt;/a&gt; make sure to pay close attention to any country or culture specific information. If you are answering from the perspective of a different culture, make sure to identify that in your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should also be used in reference to other tags, such as location ones (&lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;) and also more specific ones such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; to describe who you are with at the time. You can also use tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt; to describe the situation the asker is in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-24T20:03:31.697" LastActivityDate="2019-05-24T20:03:31.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="535" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-07T12:42:17.543" Score="0" Body="Etiquette is a set of rules or customs that control accepted behaviour in particular social groups or social situations." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="378" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T20:35:26.513" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T20:35:26.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="536" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-07T13:04:51.747" Score="17" ViewCount="7393" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question is being asked on behalf of a good friend of mine; I was not directly involved in the scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This past semester, a friend of mine in college was going to have his girlfriend over to spend a day and a (Sunday) night in his dorm room. The two of them have a long-distance relationship, because they go to colleges over eight hours apart. The visit had been planned for about two months, and all the arrangements had been made - tickets were bought, a schedule was developed, and my friend's roommate was notified one month in advance and &lt;em&gt;asked for his consent&lt;/em&gt;. The roommate agreed to spend the night elsewhere (&quot;sexiling&quot;, as I believe it's called), and my friend was able to get two other friends to host him, with an air mattress and sheets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, two weeks before the visit, the roommate found that he had a moderately important test the next day, a Monday. He told my friend that he was now reluctant about moving because he stated that he could not sleep well elsewhere and wanted to sleep in his room. My friend was annoyed by this, though he had some sympathy. After a short discussion (after asking my friend's girlfriend), they came to a compromise, where the roommate would sleep in their room while the girlfriend was there, but the couple would go to sleep long before he came back from studying. It was a very awkward arrangement, but it worked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend and I have asked quite a few friends about this since then, and they've unanimously said that the roommate should have kept his promise. My friend agreed, but still had sympathy for his roommate; they've always been on very good terms (and the roommate did well on the test).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question my friend has is this: Would it have been rude for him to be more assertive and continue to ask his friend to leave for the night?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T08:54:36.657" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T09:13:53.267" Title="Is it rude to &quot;sexile&quot; someone the night before a test?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;college&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-02-07T13:55:01.920" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="499" CreationDate="2017-07-07T14:44:48.443" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A factor which influences this (at least for me) is that normally, you cannot &quot;wear a mask&quot; or be &quot;on guard&quot; all the time. You can control your internal feelings while in public, with strangers etc., but there has to be a &quot;home ground&quot; where you can relax and apply less control to your behaviour. The reason is that actually controlling yourself is mentally tiring (even if you don't notice), and you need to rest from it too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This combines with the fact that you expect people close to you to bear your conflicting behaviour better because you're &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; close person. This has its merit: you're more likely to get over a close one's behaviour which you would not tolerate in a stranger. Your bond is stronger, so it can take more conflict without breaking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think we're inclined to behave worse to those close to us. We're just inclined to control ourselves less, and rely on our close relationship to cover for any conflicts. &quot;We're close, we can be honest with each other.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="138" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T14:44:48.443" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="538" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="541" CreationDate="2017-07-07T16:52:55.513" Score="14" ViewCount="9428" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in situations where my friends are invited to an event and they'll get an invitation electronically, or physically. Sometimes I won't get one even though my friends have gotten one, and I know the host very well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like I should have an invitation, and there may have been a mistake. However, should I show up at the event, the host may not want me there, and it would ruin the scene.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, asking the host directly puts them on the spot, and makes them uncomfortable should there be no mistake, and they don't want me there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that I am by myself (I can't have the aid of a friend), how do I ask if I have an invitation or not to an event without putting the host on the spot?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-12-09T10:17:06.817" LastActivityDate="2020-01-09T12:04:02.603" Title="How can I politely ask if my invitation to an event was simply forgotten?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="539" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="536" CreationDate="2017-07-07T18:10:37.577" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I was that roommate, and if you ask me, yes, your friend would have been rude, although I can understand that I have promised to &quot;sexile&quot;. I have an important test, and &lt;em&gt;in my opinion&lt;/em&gt; it's important to be able to study and sleep well before the test. It's my interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That roommate can even be considered rude to your friend for breaking his promise. I'm happy that the issue here has been solved through compromise, and it should have been like that - if there are two or more parties with a conflict of interest, I would have pursue a middle ground that provides win-win solution to all parties (not applicable to everything, though).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T18:10:37.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="540" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="542" CreationDate="2017-07-07T20:30:05.680" Score="6" ViewCount="1059" Body="&lt;p&gt;Over the years I have experienced many people who believe that prefacing an insult or criticism with a &quot;softener&quot; makes the insult less rude or acceptable.  Examples of this would be in American usage, &quot;I don't want to be rude, but . . .&quot; or the British, &quot;I don't want to be funny, but . . .&quot; [your singing is awful, etc]. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should someone receiving such a comment feel any less offended? If not, should the critic avoid using such prefacing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T21:07:03.533" Title="Does prefacing an insult with a &quot;softener&quot; make it any less rude?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="541" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="538" CreationDate="2017-07-07T20:42:39.693" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It's possible it was an oversight, or the invitation was lost. But it's best to at least acknowledge the possibility that you are actually not invited there.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it looks like there are three possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It was an honest mistake on the part of the person making up the invitations. But most people charged to do this are very careful about it, and the invitation list is usually checked by others as well. But it's possible that &lt;em&gt;someone just fell through the cracks&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The invitation was lost in transit. It happens, but it's uncommon.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You didn't get the invitation because you were not invited. As saddening as this may be, and as uncommon as it may appear, this too is at least possible (though perhaps improbable). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, so if you did not receive an invitation, please do not just show up to the event. Only consider going if you get some form of invitation: in writing by the host (better late than never), an after-the-fact last minute invitation over the phone, or as the partner to someone who was invited. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how do you gently remind someone that maybe you were not put on the invitation list by accident? This has happened to me on two occasions. Each time I felt somewhat hurt. The first time, many sad thoughts ran through my mind, but I let it go. I gave it thought however. About a year later, it happened again, and I did the following two actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it's a celebration (a birthday, graduation, marriage), write a congratulatory note to the happy person. Make no mention of not getting an invitation. Don't ask a question or write anything that would/should get a reply (that could also be construed as putting them on the spot). Aside from the actual congratulatory message, it will serve as a reminder to the person. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, it will get them to ask themselves why they are being congratulated when they are coming to the event. It may well lead to a correction. But you should be prepared to accept that it does not change anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When talking to a mutual friend who is invited, work into the conversation that you will be doing something at the same time as the celebration. It may be difficult, but try not to be obvious about it. The hope is to get a question like &quot;Aren't you going to so-and-so's party?&quot; Then you can say that you did not get an invitation. This should cue your friend to inquire on their own about this situation. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, I suggest being honest in that if you said you plan on doing something, then you actually need to be planning on doing it. That was the case for me. I got a sympathetic look from the friend. That told me all I needed to know. I tried to enjoy my solitary activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck in getting a clarification on whether you should have been invited. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2020-01-09T05:35:37.117" LastActivityDate="2020-01-09T05:35:37.117" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="540" CreationDate="2017-07-07T21:07:03.533" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;An insult is an insult. Constructive criticism is constructive, and you should receive it with polite receptiveness.&lt;/em&gt; But there is a lot in between.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you will know which is which will depend on all the nonverbal communication going on that many of us on this site have trouble with. But the &quot;I don't want to be rude&quot; comment may be an additional cue that &lt;em&gt;you should lean toward the constructive criticism part of the spectrum&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's my answer to the question, but I feel compelled to write a little more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some clues that it was an insult or at least at your expense:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It was stated loudly so that others could clearly hear it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Others laugh as a result (perhaps even an inside joke).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No discernible benefit to you or a third party.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you spoke this to your pet dog, he would cower?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some clues that it was meant as constructive criticism:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The person makes an effort to pull you aside so you two are (mostly) alone, and they speak to you in a low tone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you take the person's advice, someone benefits or good results will ensue.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you spoke this to your pet dog, would he would wag his tail or lick you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-07-07T21:07:03.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="544" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="553" CreationDate="2017-07-08T10:34:20.853" Score="17" ViewCount="8242" Body="&lt;p&gt;As friends you often throw (what you believe to be) harmless insults at each other, nothing meant to hurt each other's feelings just something to get a laugh out of each other. Typically when my friends joke around and insult each other I just laugh, and laugh too when they do it to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However on rare occasions they will often make a joke or insult that actually offends me and hurts, I usually laugh it off in these situations, but is this the right thing to do? I don't want to try and tell them to stop completely as there's no trend into what does and doesn't genuinely offend me, and I would feel a if I was being unfair if I just asked them to stop all together (besides I enjoy it usually). So what's the best way to react to a joke about you that genuinely offended/hurt you unintentionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:22:26.257" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T16:55:01.407" Title="How to respond to a joke insult that was unintentionally really offensive?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="545" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="552" CreationDate="2017-07-08T16:25:51.080" Score="21" ViewCount="4981" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately for me, I am a guy who does not like to dance. I am bad at it (at best). So I try to shy away from circumstances where I would be asked by someone to dance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there are times when that it is relatively unavoidable, like at a wedding. I was at an event that I attended alone, and people were dancing to good music. A woman came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance. The awkwardness I felt is hard to put into words, since I felt my refusing would hurt her feelings. And what made it worse is that I really would have enjoyed spending time with her both at this event, and even afterwards. I have been wondering ever since what I could have done to make it work better for both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how does one refuse to dance with a woman who is just trying to be nice, but without hurting her feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-09T14:35:55.560" LastActivityDate="2020-04-14T15:23:25.210" Title="What do you say to a woman who asks you to dance when you don’t want to?" Tags="&lt;courtesy&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;dances&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="546" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-08T17:54:00.620" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-07-08T17:54:00.620" LastActivityDate="2017-07-08T17:54:00.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="547" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-08T17:54:00.620" Score="0" Body="For questions about the use titles or forms of address, whether in everyday usage or in formal settings." OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-07-09T14:34:13.510" LastActivityDate="2017-07-09T14:34:13.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="548" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="555" CreationDate="2017-07-08T18:10:25.833" Score="13" ViewCount="825" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are occasions when I have discussions with religious leaders (clergy and otherwise) of various faith groups.  Titles such as reverend and rabbi, are generally applied to such individuals.  My question is less about their &quot;official&quot; titles, as it is about personal address.  Is it impolite not to use such honorifics as &quot;father,&quot; &quot;your grace,&quot; or &quot;pastor&quot; in such cases as &quot;Excuse me, (title) I have a question . . . .&quot;   As one not necessarily of the same faith background these seem out of place to me.  Should they be used anyway for politeness sake?                                                                                                                                                                           &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-07-17T01:31:18.967" Title="Is it impolite to not use a religious honorific when speaking to a religious leader?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;honorifics&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="548" CreationDate="2017-07-08T20:37:50.520" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no specific rule of etiquette here.  In general, we try to refer to people in whatever manner they would like, so a reasonable action could be to simply ask the person about their preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you are uncomfortable using an honorific, it is also perfectly reasonable to make that known.  &lt;em&gt;&quot;As someone not of your religion, it makes me uncomfortable to address you as&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;__(title)__&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;em&gt;Is there some other way I can refer to you?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure to thank them if they are accommodating.  It's all about trying to find a way forward together that keeps everyone comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastActivityDate="2017-07-08T20:37:50.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="548" CreationDate="2017-07-08T21:51:18.533" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;At my current job I deal with this on a regular basis. It seems to vary considerably by tradition, denomination, faith, and individual preference. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I usually handle it is to omit the personal identifier completely. As in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Excuse me, I have a question...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's someone you're going to have an extended interaction with, you might as well ask what their preferred title or identifier is. As a general rule it's better to ask than to guess and get it wrong... Some people get very touchy about using the wrong title in religious contexts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually if they have a preference, you'll get that by simply introducing yourself using your name. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking, it's better to use whatever they prefer to be called if you're going to address them by name. It's not specifically endorsing their religion, it's just a general courtesy. Think of it in the same context as referring to someone​ as Doctor, Mister, Miss or Missus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-08T21:51:18.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="545" CreationDate="2017-07-08T23:03:08.270" Score="48" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No thanks, I'm not much of a dancer. Would you like to grab a drink with me instead?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honest is a good way to go. Decline, state the reason, and offer an alternative. It also makes it clear that you're not rejecting her, and makes a counter offer if she really wants to get to know you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-08T23:03:08.270" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="544" CreationDate="2017-07-09T01:46:57.390" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I certainly &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.usingenglish.com/reference/idioms/trade+barbs.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;traded barbs&lt;/a&gt;&quot; with my friends when I was younger and my brothers and I still take jabs at each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course there are times when things go too far and the recommended way to deal with it will largely depend on how your circle​ responds when told they've overstepped. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My circle of friends was particularly harsh, and anything that really got to someone was carefully remembered, catalogue​d, and hammered upon at every opportunity till you became more or less desensitized to the topic. So... If your friends are like that, don't let on that it bothers you. Roll with it and redirect with a more humorous jab.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your circle of friends is a little more reasonable, it may be worth trying to mention that it was a low blow in a humorous way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Whoa... That was too far, almost as far as &lt;code&gt;insert retaliatory comment here&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if they're actually reasonable:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not cool, don't talk about &lt;code&gt;specific sensitive thing,&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;code&gt;Then insert next retaliatory comment&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, moving back to bouncing jokes/insults directly sends the signal that it was just the particular comment that was offensive, not the activity as a whole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-09T01:46:57.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="536" CreationDate="2017-07-09T02:14:58.993" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't say it's rude exactly, it's just asking for a pretty huge favor, and when asking for a pretty huge favor, you shouldn't​ be too worked up if someone says no or things don't work out as planned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say that being young is like that... Friends do these things for each other on occasion, but it shouldn't be expected. Your friend should have probably saved a few extra dollars for a hotel room and made everyone's​ night a lot more enjoyable, he had a couple months to plan after all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But ya... Being young is like that... Live and learn and get a room when needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My related personal experience...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was a teenager my mom had a habit of taking in stray delinquents. At the height of it there were 8 of us living in a two bedroom house. Obviously this meant that if anyone wanted to have a romantic evening they had to live with an audience or make other arrangements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making other arrangements was usually the best way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T16:17:49.727" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T16:17:49.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="555" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="548" CreationDate="2017-07-09T19:42:05.630" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer is based on experience in the US.  Cultural norms in other places can differ.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Context matters.  If the person is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; religious leader, then presumably it's normal and expected for you to use the title.  (It is in my religion; I don't presume to speak for others.)  If he's not your religious leader but the setting is religious (for example, an interfaith gathering) then (a) follow others' leads but (b) using titles probably helps everybody understand who's who and won't be seen as &lt;em&gt;personally&lt;/em&gt; accepting that person's authority.  (If a particular title is problematic for you personally, you can sometimes avoid using any title/name at all, or use a generic honorific like &quot;sir&quot;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the setting is completely secular and it's a passing encounter, don't fret over it -- the person probably doesn't expect you to use the title, but it's ok if you do.  (This assumes you even know; a Catholic priest's white collar is pretty clear, but not all religious leaders have such clear indications.)  The client whose computer you're fixing or the Realtor showing you a house doesn't expect more than &quot;sir&quot;, a name, or a polite nod.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the setting is secular and it's an ongoing relationship, then as other answers have said, you should ask the person what he prefers to be called.  If using his title makes you uncomfortable, you can politely explain that and ask for another way to address him.  (That said, when in secular settings I've asked doctors, priests, and rabbis how they prefer to be addressed, they've always just used their names, not titles.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-07-09T19:42:05.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="556" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="559" CreationDate="2017-07-09T20:08:17.083" Score="20" ViewCount="3316" Body="&lt;p&gt;While it has been said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, it seems at times to go too far with accents. I have read several articles which suggest that it is natural for people to reflect or moderate their pronunciation to that of those around them (see  &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1300949/You-subconsciously-try-mimic-accent-person-speaking-researchers-find.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt;), but there are times when it seems too &quot;over the top&quot; to be mere mirroring or even flattery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is an appropriate response when someone seems to be mocking me by mimicking my accent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="27" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T05:35:00.767" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T10:59:10.507" Title="Appropriate response to someone mimicking my accent in a mocking way?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;cultural-appropriation&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="557" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-09T20:29:32.593" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Around the world there are various different religions, and often religions can disagree (or disagree with people who are faithless). Questions here are about dealing with issues where religion plays a key role in the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should also be used with tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; and also location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; however the specific religion/religious opinions of the issues should be described in the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:41:25.880" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:41:25.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="558" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-09T20:29:32.593" Score="0" Body="Questions pertaining to issues of understanding, respect, or tolerance of the faith-based practices of others. It also can address issues relating to the interaction of people of different spiritualities and belief systems." OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-07-10T08:11:03.167" LastActivityDate="2017-07-10T08:11:03.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="556" CreationDate="2017-07-09T21:29:39.887" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Should&lt;/em&gt; you be?  It seems pretty obvious that, if you can avoid anger or offense, it's better for everyone.  Typically, though, we don't get a choice about whether to be offended. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you get offended, you can borrow this move. I would love to say that I did this, but unfortunately, I was the one who had badly mimicked an accent here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other fellow smiled, shook his head, and said, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Don't do that. I promise, you sound nothing like a ____.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  He followed it with a little wink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all honesty, I truly had deluded myself into thinking that my accent was pretty good, so I was a bit disappointed. Nevertheless, I did not try the accent again. It was only years later that I found out that he had been a bit offended.  His totally gracious response (a) spared my feelings and blocked me from embarrassment at that moment, and (b) prevented any bad feelings going forward. My friend and I eventually drifted apart, but I am fairly sure that the Atlantic Ocean between us was the reason for that, not my &lt;em&gt;faux pas&lt;/em&gt; and his immensely graceful recovery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastActivityDate="2017-07-09T21:29:39.887" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="548" CreationDate="2017-07-10T06:18:00.197" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would use a religious title with a religious leader in a religious setting such as a service at a place of worship, either the person's &quot;home&quot; church/temple/synagogue, or at interfaith event. That just shows respect for his/her leadership in that context. Similarly, I would address a doctor as Dr. in a hospital, or an academic as Professor in a university.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a secular context, I don't see the need to use a religious term. In those settings, the person is as much of a &quot;layman&quot; as you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-10T06:18:00.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="564" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="570" CreationDate="2017-07-10T09:02:02.073" Score="10" ViewCount="3761" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it normal or recommended to look into stranger's eyes when walking on a street, especially when it involves the opposite sex? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so how long and how many times you look towards that person without looking suspicious/creepy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="297" LastEditorUserId="44" LastEditDate="2017-07-17T17:16:39.347" LastActivityDate="2017-07-17T17:16:39.347" Title="When is it appropriate to look into people's eyes while walking on street?" Tags="&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-07-17T07:44:56.033" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="564" CreationDate="2017-07-10T10:08:08.027" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;According to personal experience I've had, the process differs by location.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When walking around in London, UK, I've been surprised at how many people seem to be uncomfortable about it, and will look away immediately.&#xA;In Johannesburg and Cape Town, South Africa, people seem to make eye contact more readily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, it varies across personal properties: how similar you are in terms of age, race, gender, etc. These seem to influence how you are perceived and thus how much eye contact is comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, one could be seen as a threat or a challenge or as an interesting potential person to meet - it depends entirely on the match of traits and the other person's view of the world (how much they are bothered by talking to strangers, how willing they are to engage with men or with women or trans people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="298" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-10T16:58:03.923" LastActivityDate="2017-07-10T16:58:03.923" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="236" CreationDate="2017-07-10T14:46:00.330" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the question is too broad and really depends on what you were hoping to accomplish/what type of person you are, I can only give you what I would have done in this situation. Please keep in mind that this answer will be skewed towards my worldview and my strong points. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Find a group of people to dance with.&lt;/strong&gt; The ideal groups are those that are in a loose circle and dancing individually and join in. If you are looking for a partner and are good at dancing it may be advisable to start to dance with one specific person that is already dancing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask someone if they want to dance&lt;/strong&gt;, most dance parties have a lot of people that came there to dance, and a fair amount of them will probably in groups of one or two. Do not be afraid to go up and ask someone to dance. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Look for other lonely people.&lt;/strong&gt; They may also be by the DJ, or by the refreshments, but look for people that are also alone and strike up a conversation.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-07-10T14:46:00.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="471" CreationDate="2017-07-10T14:49:13.273" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone has bad breathe I take gum out of my pocket and take a piece for myself, and then offer them a piece. It appears as not rude since they can pretend that I was being polite since I took one for myself, but it solves the problem (at least temporarily). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you continue to do this with the same person they will probably figure it out, so that is something to be mindful of and decide whether you want them to know that is what you are doing or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-07-10T14:49:13.273" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="459" CreationDate="2017-07-10T16:18:29.580" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I did during my trip to Japan (I spent a week there) was to go to the bathroom whenever I had to blow my nose. Ideally, I tried to wait for a time when there were no other people in there. When that didn't seem likely, I used flushing to mask the sound.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When going to the bathroom was not an option (such as on a street), I would at least try to find a secluded area (side street etc.) and be quick about it. I've never noticed anyone visibly reacting to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, a slightly running nose is pretty much a chronic condition (allergies etc.). However, for acute colds, I would definitely suggest applying nasal drops or other anti-congestant and &quot;nose-drying&quot; medicine for the time you will spend among others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="138" LastActivityDate="2017-07-10T16:18:29.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="569" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-10T16:39:59.360" Score="1" ViewCount="238" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have recently started going regularly to yoga, where there are a number of people that I find interesting and would like to get to know better, due to the nature of yoga I find that it would be bad taste to try to talk to people during the yoga class or while the teacher is teaching. Please keep in mind I know nothing about yoga as I have just started learning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some subtle ways to strike up a conversation with people that I find interesting either before or after class?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T07:46:21.373" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T07:46:21.373" Title="How do I meet new people in my new yoga class?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;groups&gt;&lt;exercise&gt;&lt;activities&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-07-14T10:12:03.027" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="570" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="564" CreationDate="2017-07-10T17:08:22.887" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do this all the time and it is something I wish more people did naturally. Looking into someone's eyes can be interpreted differently based on cultural norms and the setting you are located at. I am a college student in the US so my answer may be geared towards that demographic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, what I do is look to make eye contact with someone walking the opposite way or in the same area and then smile when eye contact is made. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Best Case:&lt;/strong&gt; They smile back or approach you to talk to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Normal Case:&lt;/strong&gt; They smile back sheepishly and think that you are confidant, which helps a lot especially if you are interested in the opposite sex. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Worst Case:&lt;/strong&gt; They look away quickly and think you are a little bit weird. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This habit definitely helps me make friends and talk to more people, especially of my preferred gender for dating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-07-10T17:08:22.887" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="571" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="572" CreationDate="2017-07-11T06:11:01.250" Score="12" ViewCount="1920" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandfather had become ill last month and it became clear he probably wouldn't recover. One day, my mother came to me and told me that he had died in peace and that there would be a funeral next Thursday. I didn't feel moved or surprised by this. How was I supposed to react?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="171" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T10:02:00.610" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T21:48:33.753" Title="How can I appropriately react to a death announcement?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="571" CreationDate="2017-07-11T07:21:36.907" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Contrary to what some people will say, the way you are &lt;em&gt;supposed to react&lt;/em&gt; is according to how &lt;em&gt;you feel&lt;/em&gt; about it. It's not &lt;em&gt;proper&lt;/em&gt; to react one way, and &lt;em&gt;improper&lt;/em&gt; to react another way. Your reactions are based on your feelings, not on the feelings other have, or think you should have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you should &lt;em&gt;behave&lt;/em&gt; is a different concept, and one that is culturally variable. Using the tag for Europe does help with that some, though it can vary even in that &quot;region&quot;. Family norms will also be a factor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, it's likely to be appreciated by others who have a stronger reaction to the death if you can be helpful and supportive of them at this time. Be there as a good listener when someone wants to express their sorrow at his passing, and provide earnest good will to them. Remember to speak well of him, and his actions in life, even if you have negative thoughts or memories about him. Find things that you can say, &lt;strong&gt;that are honest and truthful&lt;/strong&gt; about him. Such as &quot;I will miss him,&quot; or &quot;I enjoyed visiting him.&quot; Don't encourage others if they have negative comments, but don't judge them for such if they do express them. You &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; lost any further opportunities to be with him, so there is something gone from your life as much as from theirs. Recognising that will help you relate to others, and help them when they need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Help those most affected, especially his wife and children, by &lt;em&gt;quietly&lt;/em&gt; doing things that they may forget to do. Simple things such as pet care and household maintenance can easily be neglected by those in mourning. The more others are suffering and adrift at this time, the more helpful it will be if you are a stable point that they can rely upon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find some references for the stages of grief, such as &lt;a href=&quot;https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this one&lt;/a&gt;, to read, so that you can understand some of how others may feel, and behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="27" LastEditorUserId="138" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T09:10:54.430" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T09:10:54.430" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="573" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-11T07:36:22.647" Score="21" ViewCount="2152" Body="&lt;p&gt;On a regular basis my Mother is absolutely &lt;em&gt;insistent&lt;/em&gt; that I give her a kiss on the cheek whenever I go out to a certain location, or just at certain times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I have no issues with hugging her, however I really dislike having to kiss her (even on the cheek) and find it really uncomfortable, even if no one else is around. It's also worth noting I am currently 17 years of age, and I am male.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way to firmly say that I don't want to kiss her, but also without offending or hurting her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-21T09:36:12.853" LastActivityDate="2019-03-21T09:36:12.853" Title="How to avoid having to kiss my mother on the cheek without offending her" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;physical-contact&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="575" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-11T08:32:17.980" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Parents are your own parents, and are part of your &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/family&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;family&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;family&lt;/a&gt;. Parents can also be commonly referred to as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mum(my)/Mom(my/Dad(dy)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mother/Father&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the parent/child dynamic does not play a large role in your question, consider using &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/family&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;family&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;family&lt;/a&gt; instead. Furthermore, this tag should be used with context of the situation you're in, such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/party&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;party&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;party&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-24T20:09:03.323" LastActivityDate="2019-05-24T20:09:03.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="576" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-11T08:32:17.980" Score="0" Body="Questions involving someone's mother or father, either biological or legal, and interactions between them or also interactions between yourself and one of them. Can also be used for interactions with someone else's parents." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:42:26.940" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:42:26.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="577" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-11T08:53:14.800" Score="38" ViewCount="11411" Body="&lt;p&gt;I (male) and a friend (female) went swimming in a public outdoor pool together. She met with another female friend there. When she (my friend) sat outside for a couple minutes the sun made her swimming suit quite transparent so that her breasts were partially visible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now at the point I didn't want to interrupt her as she was talking with her friend at the time and make things even more awkward and with time passing by it kept getting more awkward (aka why did I wait telling her?)&#xA;To make things worse, she even has a boyfriend, which I too like and I don't want to ruin the relationship between any of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As we plan to go swimming again, I'm wondering &lt;strong&gt;what would be a good way to address this politely and if possible without being awkward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="310" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T12:36:16.923" LastActivityDate="2019-02-24T02:47:33.353" Title="How to tell a friend I can see through her swimming suit" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="578" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-11T09:57:54.990" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T09:57:54.990" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T09:57:54.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="579" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-11T09:57:54.990" Score="0" Body="Questions about situations people may find awkward, difficult or otherwise embarrassing, or addressing issues which could result in someone feeling embarrassed." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T11:41:38.263" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T11:41:38.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="577" CreationDate="2017-07-11T11:12:41.687" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;The situation sounds like it is over, so I definitely do not think bringing it up now is necessary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the situation was unfolding you could have just waited for her to finish talking to her friend and then quietly said something about it to her. I suggest something vague and lighthearted like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey ____, that swimsuit gets kind of awkward in direct sunlight, just figured I would let you know&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she cares she might ask you to elaborate, in which case you can tell her, but if she doesn't then no need to push the issue. She can dress however she wants, you're really just warning her in case she doesn't already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastEditorUserId="58" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T12:15:32.103" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T12:15:32.103" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="583" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-11T13:34:11.690" Score="11" ViewCount="3746" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes on either snapchat or skype (or any other instant messaging software) I will not get a reply to my message. It can be a normal message or question, and then they simply won't reply. I typically just try and think of another sentence to add on to &quot;bump&quot; the conversation and send them another notification, however is there a specific way I should remind/ask them if they've forgotten about my message? I don't particularly mind if they admit to missing my message, I just want the conversation to continue without having to wait for them to realize they missed my message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversations are typically of a casual nature, so general talking or gossip, nothing work based.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2017-07-11T14:42:21.820" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T14:00:06.980" Title="How to determine if someone is deliberately ignoring my messages?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="584" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="583" CreationDate="2017-07-11T14:33:01.067" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general people will respond to things/people that are important to them. If they are constantly &quot;missing&quot; or &quot;not seeing&quot; your messages that means that they have things that they value more than talking to you taking up their time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are exceptions, but  if someone consistently takes longer than 2 hours (time you know they are not busy/prior engagements) to reply to a message then that usually means that they are not interested in talking to you/ feel you two are talking too much for how they feel about the personal relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is if you notice this behavior, try scaling back your communication with that person and allow them some space/ time for the relationship to grow. Focus on having 1 meaningful and unignored conversation per week, then 2 per week, so on and so forth until you are satisfied with the amount and quality of correspondence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T14:33:01.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="585" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="583" CreationDate="2017-07-11T14:42:10.413" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;With the proliferation of 'push' notifications many people are becoming notification blind, or find them easy to ignore. Also many people have multiple demands on their time at any given moment or are multi tasking so giving attention to one thing or another will get sorted by a brain into priority order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you are on one end of an instant message (IM) conversation you do not know what is going on at the other and two individuals can often have different thoughts on IM ettiquette. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With some of my friends I can have a conversation over a period of days because we come back to it and respond when we are free, dipping in and out with no time based pressure on the other to respond. I appreciate these friends tremendously because they recognise that life is busy and are stable enough in our friendships to assume that silence does not mean we have stopped liking each other. Simply that the other is busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With other friends their etiquette is around larger meta information, informing me of what they are doing and how busy they are, almost timeboxing the conversation and wanting me to do the same. They want to get the information across and get replies then and there and if either situation changes we must update each other as to if we have to go and do something else, or if I am going to be away from messenger for any given period must update them with 'away from keyboard' or 'putting the kettle on' etc to manage their expectations over how long it will take me to reply because they will be waiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are interactions between those two extremes also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The difficulty comes when two people have different IM etiquette and neither adapts. They may assume things and attach meaning to the other person's actions when it is simply how they interact with their friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or life got in the way and they have been called away from the conversation, or your conversation was simply filling idle time for them and they got busy. Not everyone will let you know that they are no longer paying you attention, they will just drop off the conversation making it easier to pick it up later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend you adapt to the others behaviour and interact with them in the way that they feel most comfortable in a medium that suits them best (many friends respond better to text than IM, or only want to interact face to face. but I know how to contact them in an emergency).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they have not responded to your message then leave it, they have many other priorities that you do not know about. Don't nag or 'bump' that can be seen as rude by many especially if it is simply a casual conversation. Just pick up at a later date in your usual way of interacting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a casual conversation and they have missed your message then it doesn't matter. They have been distracted by something else, drawing their attention back is you choosing their priorities for them. They know how to use their phone/IM service, so I recommend moving your own attention elsewhere too for the time being&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-07-11T14:42:10.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="586" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="573" CreationDate="2017-07-12T02:11:08.900" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've never been a seventeen year-old boy but I'll be the mother to one in about 16 years. This, I think, is something that you need to discuss with her as a way of setting boundaries as a burgeoning adult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; had to deal with a similar situation with my mom - growing up we kissed on the mouth and now I find it distasteful with anyone other than my husband. I get around this by redirecting her to my cheek whenever she tries to kiss me on the lips. It took a couple of times but she eventually figured it out. We didn't have to talk about it but we probably should have. Below is the sort of thing I'd bring up if I felt it necessary to talk about it with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your situation is slightly different because you'd rather not kiss her at all. This may change as you get older but, for now, I think it sounds like a good time to introduce your mother to the concept of &quot;body autonomy&quot; or &quot;bodily integrity&quot;. Essentially, if your mother truly respects you as an autonomous person, she needs to respect how you choose to use (or not use) your own body. It is inappropriate and disrespectful for her to force you to kiss her. There's a few guides out there but a lot of them relate to more critical situations like rape. There are some that relate more to kids and their own parents. One of them is &lt;a href=&quot;http://thisoutnumberedmama.com/teaching-body-autonomy-and-consent/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; (reformatted to paragraph form rather than bullet points).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;h2&gt;Your Body is Your Body.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is a very important concept for kids (and adults) to understand. Your body belongs to you and no one else. Because of this, no one can do anything to or with your body without your permission. It’s a simple concept, but it can be really difficult to teach in practice. If your child’s body belongs to them, you can’t touch them without their consent. Not to make them brush their teeth when they won’t cooperate. Not to force them to give auntie a kiss when they don’t want to. Not for anything. That’s really difficult as a parent, but it’s vital that we teach our children these principles young.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;h2&gt;We Respect Consent Always&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Always. Always. Always. Respecting consent is about more than simply listening to the person. It means that you accept that they’ve made their decision and drop it. Respecting consent does not mean saying, “oh come on, it’s not that big a deal!” or “but I really want to!” or “but it’s fun!” Respecting consent simply means saying “okay” and leaving it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;h2&gt;No Means Immediate and Respectful No&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is so important to teach our kids as kids, so that it isn’t shocking to them as they grow older. Someone can say no at any time, and they deserve for their no to be respected immediately. Regardless of other circumstances. If you and your friend were having a tickle fight and that friend says stop, you immediately stop. If your friend doesn’t want to play tag, you cannot tag them. Even if they wanted to play tag five minutes ago, if they say stop, you immediately stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does get into some of the more problematic situations but I've outlined the main points that relate to your situation with your mother above. I recommend that you do some more research and approach your mom with this new concept and ask her to respect your wishes. You may not be willing to kiss her now and until you grant her access to your kisses again, it is inappropriate for her to force you to kiss her. As part of this discussion, you should be considerate of her feelings and let her know that this is a two-way street. You will not infringe on her autonomy either.  Let her know that you are happy to give her hugs but, for the time being, you'd rather not kiss her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My hope is that if you approach her with this in an intelligent and informed manner, she will respect you and begin to see you as the adult you are becoming. Best wishes!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-12T18:08:52.243" LastActivityDate="2017-07-12T18:08:52.243" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="571" CreationDate="2017-07-12T03:05:13.490" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;People want to see that you consider his death to be a loss. So I suppose that the first thing you should say is something about how sad it is that he has die. When you do this, you want to make sure that you say something personal ie. &quot;I will miss him&quot;, rather than something impersonal, &quot;Death is always sad&quot; lest it come off as robotic. After that, you should ask about the other person as 1) it shows that you care about them 2) it removes the focus away from you and your lack of feelings. It is also valid to ask for some time by yourself, which would have given you more time to figure out how you should have acted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="127" LastActivityDate="2017-07-12T03:05:13.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="548" CreationDate="2017-07-12T03:19:11.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a very interesting question. I would argue that it is generally understood that using a title does not involve endorsing the religion. For this reason I would generally suggest just using the title. If your reluctance is related to the normalisation of religion, I would suggest that you would be in a better position to change people's minds if you showed them respect such as by using their adopted title.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, I have to admit that I would be reluctant to call a cult leader by their adopted title because I feel that the normalisation of these cults is much more dangerous than any potential further normalisation of mainstream religions (which are already normalised anyway). Some might argue that I'm trying to draw a somewhat arbitrary line and I think this criticism is fair to an extent. Nonetheless, even if this position isn't perfectly principally justified, it still seems like a somewhat useful heuristic (in addition to being socially defensible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TLDR: It depends on whether people consider the group a cult or a mainstream religion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="127" LastEditorUserId="127" LastEditDate="2017-07-17T01:31:18.967" LastActivityDate="2017-07-17T01:31:18.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="589" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="595" CreationDate="2017-07-12T06:41:01.797" Score="11" ViewCount="805" Body="&lt;p&gt;I learned a lot of higher level vocabulary words from reading books, as opposed to hearing people say them. This however leads to situations where I will pronounce a word based on the way I understand it, rather than the way it is generally pronounced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some acquaintances of mine (friends, classmates, etc.), &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/414/52&quot;&gt;whether right or wrong&lt;/a&gt;, will correct me, sometimes nicer than others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there's always that awkward feeling that I don't know how to speak English. How should I respond to such criticism so that feeling doesn't come up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/613/52&quot;&gt;Related Question&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="52" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-03-14T20:17:49.193" LastActivityDate="2020-03-14T20:17:49.193" Title="Dealing with criticism of my mispronunciation of words" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-02-20T03:20:58.193" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="589" CreationDate="2017-07-12T07:06:45.090" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just like when you are faced with other kind of criticism: whether it is right or wrong, say thank you, appreciate their criticism, and say you'll work out your pronounciation better next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important not to argue with them, because you don't know how to pronounce it yourself. Although in general you don't want to argue even if you know the correct one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This applies to all relationship, and is more related to how you should receive criticism. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-07-12T07:06:45.090" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="591" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="593" CreationDate="2017-07-12T07:22:36.080" Score="10" ViewCount="1186" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my friends often misunderstands many friendly gestures. One of them is an offer of mint candy is taken as we are suggesting he has bad breath.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems he suspects such gestures have a hidden motive, and conversations to have hidden criticisms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart from these misunderstandings, he is a &lt;em&gt;good friend&lt;/em&gt;, to me and to our group. Suggestions such as &lt;em&gt;find another friend&lt;/em&gt; are really my last resort, and I hope I can make him realize that not everything has hidden meaning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make my intentions clear? Should I immediately address his concern the moment he misunderstood something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are both male and on our late 20's. He does not have any mental disability that I know of, he can socialize just fine and even often find subtle social cues that we don't even realize. We both live in same city in Indonesia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T18:11:58.380" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T19:08:28.780" Title="How to address a friend's misunderstanding of an intention?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="591" CreationDate="2017-07-12T08:40:46.057" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In cases where a friend is known to readily suspect actions as having hidden meaning (as you have suggested in the post), it would seem appropriate to preface any offer of things like mints with a disclaimer.  &quot;I'm having a mint, would you like one?&quot; Or if the relationship and level of past misunderstanding seems to require more, then tell them outright that you have no hidden agenda, you just want to share a sweet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-07-12T08:40:46.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="591" CreationDate="2017-07-12T14:59:32.180" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;My approach to this situation would be honest, if I offer someone a mint and they say they think it is because their breath smells I would say something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Not really, I am just offering you a mint to be nice&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you repeat this enough times eventually the other person will stop misreading the situation. Clear communication is something that you both can work on to strengthen your friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-07-12T14:59:32.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="591" CreationDate="2017-07-12T16:47:33.553" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find that openness is always best. As there is a well established rapport already should pay to get through the awkwardness and get to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting with some awkwardness of yourself will hopefully get the conversation to the level that there clearly is nothing hidden any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I really ruthlessly openly share something? I wouldn't say this to just anybody but you are a good friend. [fill in your own horrible anecdote]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have opened up your friend may be able to share as well.&#xA;If not, the next step is to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I ask you a really big question? It is about trust. Do know I trust you and I value you a lot, just as you are. But I have this feeling sometimes that you are a bit .. how do I say this .. distant? As if you do not trust me to be there for you, no matter what? Silly things like [fill in the last/biggest perceived criticism]? You know that is a total non sequitur, yes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-07-12T16:47:33.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="589" CreationDate="2017-07-12T21:57:57.203" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Above all, it’s a learning experience, and that should be your main focus.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are things you would rather know sooner rather than later: something stuck to your shoe, a male’s fly is open, and things like that. I would think that proper pronunciation fits in that category somewhere. So there is a reason to be thankful that someone is taking the time to correct you. Some people are better at doing this than others, so it’s probably a safe bet to assume the criticism was meant to be constructive – unless it’s clear that it’s not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the constructive folks, praise and thank them for caring. For the others, it may be best to quietly let the conversation move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a similar train of thought, perhaps the best way to deal with this is to prevent it from happening. It’s great that you are broadening your vocabulary, and that means using a dictionary form time to time. On a personal note, I have a dictionary and thesaurus near my desk all the time. &lt;em&gt;A decent dictionary will tell you how to pronounce a word.&lt;/em&gt; And maybe there is more than one correct way to say a word. A good online dictionary is even better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-07-12T21:57:57.203" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="596" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="597" CreationDate="2017-07-13T07:22:39.270" Score="7" ViewCount="1968" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often when I go out for a meal with my mother and grandmother, we often go to restaurant with large side dishes and also large main courses, as a result I am usually full and don't want a dessert. Owing to the nature of the restaurants (Pizza Hut, for those of you who know it), we typically order a dessert &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; having the main meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually after we finish the main meal my mother/grandmother offers me a dessert of my choice, and I usually say no, however they keep saying &quot;oh go on&quot;, and eventually I say yes, usually because I realize that if they eat without me, that may make them feel bad, so I usually agree to get them to order me a dessert, and then don't eat it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While answer specific to the people I'm talking about (parents/family) a general answer for non-family would be far more appreciated (hence why I'm not using the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/family&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;family&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;family&lt;/a&gt; tag, as that's not the category of answer I'm looking for). So, how can I politely say &quot;no&quot; to being offered a dessert, but also preferably in a way that they won't then feel awkward eating without me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-13T07:35:46.490" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T05:22:04.207" Title="How to effectively say &quot;no&quot; to being offered a dessert during a meal when everyone else is also having one?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="596" CreationDate="2017-07-13T09:29:44.737" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand your situation, being myself easily full when I eat, I often decline the dessert. The first thing to do, is making clear you appreciate the invitation to eat the dessert, but you simply &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; and you don't decline to be polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you have some tricks:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell you are not that hungry and you would take the half of something if they have the other half. You will actually just take a few spoons of it and let the rest to the other person (I don't like to waste food).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the person is really close and if it can be done in your country, you can tell her that you are not hungry but you will be happy to taste her dessert (the waiter will normaly agree to bring you an extra spoon). Again, just take one or two spoons.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you are thirsty, you can ask for a drink (coffee, tea...) while they have their dessert. You will have something in front of you, so it won't be awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user324" LastActivityDate="2017-07-13T09:29:44.737" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="596" CreationDate="2017-07-13T12:18:32.520" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you aware that this is going to be the case then you can pre-empt it when ordering. You can let people know that you can't decide if you should have a main and a side dish, or a main and a pudding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sets up the expectation early that you understand that you cannot manage both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when it comes to ordering you can show you have already decided not to have a pudding by ordering a main and a side dish. You can even mention that you prefer side dishes to puddings anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when dessert choices arrive if the offer of dessert is still pushed on you then you have previous statements to back you up in their memory. You can let them know that you pre-decided to not have dessert and it will become more likely it will be accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this does not always work as it is not the dessert they wish you to accept but instead their generosity. They want to show that they are willing to treat you, that they like you, that they want you to be happy.&#xA;In these cases it is often best to acknowledge their generosity and kindness, thank them for it and accept something small as a gesture - for example a coffee (as a non dessert eater, I often have a coffee to 'join in' with the course).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you. That is very generous of you. I enjoyed the meal so much that  a dessert might ruin it because I am so full. I could manage a drink though, if that is ok?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-07-13T12:18:32.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="599" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-13T13:03:35.050" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everyone has different boundaries in life. What is acceptable to some people may be considered unacceptable to others. Even unintentionally people can overstep these boundaries, potentially causing harm or offence to those involves. Questions here are about respecting the boundaries of others, handling situations in which you have overstepped someone's boundaries, how you can establish your own boundaries, or how to handle having other people overstep your boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used with location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;, and tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; or even &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt; if it is relevant for the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-04-11T19:16:06.750" LastActivityDate="2019-04-11T19:16:06.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="600" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-13T13:03:35.050" Score="0" Body="This tag should be used when boundaries (either yours or someone else's) play a major role in the situation at hand. This could involve questions about how to respect other people's boundaries, how to handle overstepping someone's boundaries, establishing your own boundaries, or handling someone who has overstepped your boundaries." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-04-11T19:15:52.340" LastActivityDate="2019-04-11T19:15:52.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="601" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-13T13:10:02.840" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not all interpersonal skills revolves around having a verbal conversation with a person. There are various other forms of communication, including:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Email/mail&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Body movements/signals&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions here should be about interacting with other people. Questions which are about just conversations can be tagged with both this tag and the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/conversations&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;conversations&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;conversations&lt;/a&gt; tag, but only if actual communication is the key to the question (i.e. how to talk/converse).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:38:11.927" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:38:11.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="602" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-13T13:10:02.840" Score="0" Body="For questions involving interactions with other people which may involve more than a simple verbal conversation that. This includes body movements and also other forms of non-verbal communication." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:38:11.927" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:38:11.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="603" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-13T13:33:49.883" Score="13" ViewCount="10618" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, I got several friend requests on Facebook from people I sort of knew in middle school. We went to different high schools, and so I haven't talked to them in five years, as I've just finished my first year in college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer to keep my Facebook friends to people I would really characterize as my friends. Many people I know don't take the phrase &quot;Facebook friend&quot; as literally as I do, and have many more &quot;friends&quot;. I'm still making up my mind whether to accept or decline the friend requests, and it's been close to a week. On the one hand, I'm not that eager to expand my usage of the Facebook friend feature; on the other, these are nice, well-intentioned folks, and I don't want to offend them by declining their requests outright.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm currently leaning towards declining the request, but if I simply click &quot;Delete Request&quot;, I'm pretty sure they'll get offended (they won't be notified if I decline it, but they'll notice at some point that I never accepted their request). On the other hand, I haven't spoken to these people in five years, and we've changed. I want to explain my reasoning, but I don't want my first contact with them to be &quot;Hi, I have a narrow definition of 'Facebook friend', and you don't quite fit in it.&quot; That particular phrasing, for instance, is &lt;em&gt;incredibly obnoxious&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I decline these friend requests from people I no longer know very well while still explaining &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; - without offending them or otherwise being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As has been pointed out, folks don't get notified if their request is declined, and so I could simply leave things in limbo by not acting on the request. I'm not too enthusiastic about that suggestion; it feels like lying if I try to make them believe that I simply haven't seen the requests. I'm not very comfortable with ignoring them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-07-13T13:37:29.400" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T01:44:04.740" Title="How can I explain why I declined someone's Facebook friend request without offending them?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="604" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="606" CreationDate="2017-07-13T14:29:20.293" Score="25" ViewCount="6047" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm usually uncomfortable when a friend mentions her lack of money during a casual conversation. The topic of money itself doesn't make me uncomfortable, but the fact that I really don't know what to say makes me feel weird. I would like to help, if I can, but I don't know what it is the expected behavior on this kind of situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation occurs when we start a conversation and when we say how things go in life. She quickly mentions her money issues as a reason that she can't do all she would like to do (e.g. going out, buy stuff might need, etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't know what to say so what I usually do is remain silent. The other options (that I don't like either) could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Giving her some advice, but it feels like condescending or patronizing. I'm not in her shoes, so advice that would apply to my life would be easy talk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Changing topic, but it feels like I don't care and maybe rude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remaining silent, and waiting her to say something else, that seems awkward.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user324" LastEditorDisplayName="user324" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T15:43:57.320" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T15:43:57.320" Title="How to respond when a friend mentions their financial issues?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="603" CreationDate="2017-07-13T15:05:00.473" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;First you are over thinking this.  They know you are not really friends, you are not in contact with them, and probably just sent you the friend request in case you wanted to reconnect.  Chances are they will never even notice you didn't accept their request.  If they do it will be months from now and they will question if they actually sent you the request or just thought about it.  Either way they will either just send another request or move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do contact you there are a few easy deflections.  I tend to just apologize and say I must not have realized who it was.  There are enough fake accounts trying to connect on Facebook that a friend request with out a message is something I tend to avoid in the first place.  I will also say something along the lines of &quot;I don't really get on Facebook that much but I will try to remember to check for the friend request next time I do&quot;  This only works if you either don't get on Facebook much, or if you aren't posting publicly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also go with &quot;I try to keep my Facebook limited to friends I am hanging out with.  But if you  want to grab a drink sometime and catch up let me know.&quot;  This has the benefit of being honest, direct and still polite.  If you are not actually interested in getting a drink they will probably get that message if you cant find time to actually get that drink when and if they ask.  This little fib is not being rude its called being a polite and respectful adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastEditorUserId="58" LastEditDate="2017-07-13T15:54:34.573" LastActivityDate="2017-07-13T15:54:34.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="604" CreationDate="2017-07-13T15:16:33.017" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a very good chance your friend is just venting. In that case I find the most productive way to deal with it is to just agree that it sucks, that the situation is hard, that what is happening is unfair, etc based on what the complaints are.  They are not really looking for a solution just not to feel so isolated and alone while dealing with it. You do not actually have to even agree with those things, it is just really being polite and being there for a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is something that you feel like hey I can help this way, feel free to offer that help, just don't get upset if they turn that help down, and yet continue to complain about it.  Some people, including me, sometime just like to complain about problem and not actually solve them, or the solution you are offer is not the solution that is acceptable to them. Don't take it personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it starts to become a problem talk it out with them.  I would start that conversation something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey I know you have some money problems, but when you talk about them&#xA;  I am not sure what you are expecting from me.  I have no problem&#xA;  listening to you vent but I just want to make sure I am not failing&#xA;  you as a friend by missing something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cant promise this wont make things more awkward with your friend but I think this uncomfortable conversation is better than letting an issue come between you when it didn't need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastEditorUserId="56" LastEditDate="2017-07-19T22:07:16.537" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T22:07:16.537" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="577" CreationDate="2017-07-13T15:57:49.843" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, if a woman wears a bathing suit a second time she knows what it does and how it looks.  If she is concerned about how revealing it is there are options that will allow her to protect her modesty and wear the suit.  But the reality is some people do not find the need to be particularly modest about their breasts and nipples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that offends you or makes it awkward for you then you need to decide how you want to address that.  The easiest way is to ask her if she would mind wearing a less revealing swimsuit around you.  I would choose to handle it as discreetly as possible.  But it is possible that she will still take offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastActivityDate="2017-07-13T15:57:49.843" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="603" CreationDate="2017-07-13T17:18:50.960" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a Facebook &quot;friend&quot; is a privilege, not a right. But some people send out solicitations for friends to people they don't know all that well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just ignore the first solicitation. Because of the above, there is a good chance that you will be lost in the shuffle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone you don't know well persists, I would explain that I &quot;friend&quot; people I know &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-13T17:18:50.960" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="577" CreationDate="2017-07-13T17:22:36.023" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I had to tell a woman something personal like &quot;your fly is down&quot; or &quot;I can see through your swimming suit,&quot; I would ask another woman to tell the first woman on my behalf. If necessary, I might even tell the first woman, that I asked the second woman to tell her something I wanted her to hear but didn't want to tell her myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would get the message across, but avoid the direct man-woman contact. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-13T17:22:36.023" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="604" CreationDate="2017-07-13T17:40:21.050" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a situation which is seen more frequently than we might think, since it shows itself in multiple different guises.  Usually, the underlying issue in this case is simply a &lt;em&gt;need to be heard.&lt;/em&gt;  I see it regularly in counselling.  The person is not looking for financial assistance as much as they just want to know that someone cares enough to listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence, it shows up frequently (depending on the person) in bringing up money issues, talking about how a friend / spouse / child / parent / etc. isn't treating them as they ought to be treated, and multiple other ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, however, as is your case, the person doesn't realise that they are just a bit out of place sharing these issues with you, since you're not really comfortable getting &quot;dragged in.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a counsellor, my usual solution is simply to look the person straight in the eye, affirm them, listen, and wait till they've finished unloading.  Afterwards, they'll be more open to solutions, if they even want such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a person in a relationship, obviously, I don't really want to be hearing this ramble every second day; hence, dropping a hint that you're not really interested in hearing about their financial issues could be in line.  I'd try something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Say, why don't you check out a financial counsellor?  I really can't help you since I'm not exactly expertised in that area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can see why you're concerned about this.  However, I really don't think I can help you with it.  Do you have someone you can go to who could help you work through your finances?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this is helpful!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2017-07-13T17:40:21.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="604" CreationDate="2017-07-13T21:06:44.420" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you sure this isn't an attempt at bonding with you? If I understood it correctly (please do correct me if I'm wrong), she brings up her issues &lt;em&gt;within the topic of the conversation&lt;/em&gt;. On top of that, she seems clearly not embarrassed by talking about it, since she keeps bringing it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know plenty of people who just enjoy talking about obstacles in their life. I just listen to them and interrupt the silence by making short remarks about what they just said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before finding out what you are expected to do, you should find out if she expects anything else from you at all. There's a solid chance that you are already doing what she wants you to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/606/128&quot;&gt;Chad's answer&lt;/a&gt; that asking her would be the most straightforward way to solve this issue, you could also test the waters by adding emotional tones to the conversation, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;sympathy&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Damn, that's harsh. I wish I could help you somehow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;surprise&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't believe you went through all of that! How did you manage to hold up so well?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;encouragement&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know what? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Keep on believing and I know you'll find a way to turn it around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These remarks are better inserted to the conversation when it gets into a certain lull. They don't work as well if you have to interrupt the other person, or if she has to quickly focus on something else for the moment (such as a kid calling her, or the waiter asking your orders).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you pick, though, make sure it is something that you truly feel and mean. Do not fake anything you say. If she seems more interested, then she's likely looking for someone who'll listen without judging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="128" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-15T14:44:40.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="596" CreationDate="2017-07-14T01:03:07.243" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your host is really set on making you eat a dessert, you could probably offer to split your dessert with one of the other people you are eating with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are with a multiple people who are close to you (close as in very friendly, not as in proximity) you could also state that you don't know which dessert to get and would just like a spoon so that you could try all of everyone else's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting hot chocolate, coffee, or tea would also work (as stated by previous answers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="72" LastActivityDate="2017-07-14T01:03:07.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="613" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="636" CreationDate="2017-07-14T02:03:43.447" Score="9" ViewCount="639" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a roommate who seems to enjoy taunting me over my mispronunciation of high vocabulary words, which is due to the fact that I don't usually hear people saying them, but rather learned them from reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've only been roommates for two weeks, but this arrangement will likely continue for another year. How should I deal with this? Should I just put up with it and hope he gets over it eventually?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/589/52&quot;&gt;Related Question&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="52" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:50:48.560" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:50:48.560" Title="Dealing with roommate's taunting about mispronouncing vocabulary words" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;teasing&gt;&lt;taunts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="569" CreationDate="2017-07-14T09:53:27.583" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Coming from the background of a martial arts class, i'd recommend &lt;strong&gt;becoming more involved in the lessons&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a shared experience like a yoga class, it can be easy to strike up conversation about some &lt;em&gt;techniques you learned&lt;/em&gt;, a &lt;em&gt;movement or pose you're having trouble with&lt;/em&gt;, or &lt;em&gt;the lesson itself&lt;/em&gt; (how the instructor dealt with a topic, the pace of the teaching, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The people who you're sharing the class with are likely to &lt;strong&gt;have a lot in common with you&lt;/strong&gt; about these topics, and they will have just spent an hour with you being physical, so they aren't likely to be uncomfortable talking with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To become more involved in the class, you could try some of these suggestions - but it will all come more easily with time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be active in the classes and engage with the system&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Interact with your teacher when appropriate*&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Think actively about the lesson content, try to explain it to someone afterwards in private to deepen your understanding&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Practice in your own time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*This &lt;em&gt;appropriate&lt;/em&gt;ness may vary according to the discipline - in a martial arts class, I find it only appropriate to comment on something with the instructor if we've been training together for a long time, or if there is a comedic moment in the class - your situation might be a little less relaxed, so perhaps limit your talking to the end of the lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="298" LastActivityDate="2017-07-14T09:53:27.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="615" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-14T14:28:49.370" Score="9" ViewCount="1402" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Britain in recent years there have been schemes in place to provide free or discounted soft drinks to designated drivers during holiday times.  But what about the rest of the year? When a group of friends, all of whom are drinkers, were out together, has experience shown that it is insulting to designated driver's good intentions for members of a group of friends to buy the soft drinks? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-07-15T04:28:44.997" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T19:15:25.807" Title="Should &quot;Designated Drivers&quot; be compensated by their friends?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2019-01-23T15:56:30.150" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="615" CreationDate="2017-07-14T14:54:47.993" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Think of the situation as if you were the designated driver, if you are out with your friends would you demand to be compensated? Probably not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you were driving your friends around all night, would you decline being compensated? Probably not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is always a nice gesture to buy your friends a drink (Alcoholic or Otherwise), or give them gas money, but I would have a hard time having a steadfast rule as to whether or not tips/compensation should be demanded among a group of friends.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-07-14T14:54:47.993" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="603" CreationDate="2017-07-14T20:34:50.813" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As has been pointed out, folks don't get notified if their request is&#xA;  declined, and so I could simply leave things in limbo by not acting on&#xA;  the request. I'm not too enthusiastic about that suggestion; it feels&#xA;  like lying if I try to make them believe that I simply haven't seen&#xA;  the requests. I'm not very comfortable with ignoring them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's honestly ok to ignore friendship requests, people do it all the time. It's part of the social media dynamics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is, any contact you make to say you're not accepting the friendship request could potentially end up being &quot;ruder&quot; than simply ignoring the request. You are definitely bringing it to their attention and most it's not really necessary for social media. It's not rude to ignore a friendship request or inbox message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to add to the other answers here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With FaceBook people can only message you (if they are not your FaceBook friend) by sending a message request. You can read this message without accepting the request and it doesn't show up as read. If you reject the request the user who sent the message will never know, as the message just sits on their end as unread.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the message is compelling, you may rethink the request and accept it. Some people will inbox message people when sending friendship requests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decline the friendship request and they send another request,  you can mark the request as spam to prevent them from sending another request. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So unless the person who has solicited the request is able to contact you in another way, there is no need to say anything, if they confront you in an inbox message about the unaccepted friendship request. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they then contact you in another way, you can deny seeing the message. You don't need to explain why you haven't accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of etiquette, if a person is not in your &quot;real life&quot; circle of friends, it's rude of them to confront you for not accepting the friendship request. You are within your rights, as a social media user to not have contact with anyone you do not want to. That is why they have the facility to block people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also have your settings to only allow friendship requests from friends of friends, which possibly won't help if people are using a community, i.e. old school class mates to network. It may prevent some more random people from soliciting invites.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, I am free about adding people I am in regular contact with on these sites. However, occasionally users from Stack Overflow (people I do not know) will track me down on FaceBook (it's not hard I use the same name and profile picture) and will inbox message me and send me a friendship request. If they pressure me to accept the friendship request, I offer no explanation, I block them. I don't regard my actions as rude, I regard theirs as rude and pushy. Now it's a different circle we are discussing here, but my boundary of who I accept on my Facebook is broader then yours, so it's a similar comparison. Except of course if you then run into them socially, in which case you can &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/605/57&quot;&gt;provide some of Chad's suggestions.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastActivityDate="2017-07-14T20:34:50.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="583" CreationDate="2017-07-14T20:44:42.567" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find it that people who ignore messages are either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Oblivious&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;: attention and memory are limited resources. Politely remind them you are expecting a response. It works better if you have several channels at your disposal (for instance, if you have an email ignored, you can text that person about it). Don't be pushy: bringing it up more than twice will not make you a top priority. You can identify an oblivious person by noticing they will reply once they realize it is expected of them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disorganized&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;: some people have way too many email accounts, or unpredictable schedules. Try to establish a routine that they can rely on. For instance, you can send your daily messages always at the same time, and let &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behaviorism&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;behaviorism&lt;/a&gt; do the work for you. A disorganized person is easy to identify, because self-organization is a practice - not a goal - that requires commitment, and, as such, their disorganization will eventually become visible.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Slippery&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;: they might be avoiding you, or avoiding the issue. This doesn't mean they dislike you, but it certainly means that they don't want to engage with you at the moment. There isn't much you can do about them, you have to either let them go, or escalate the situation (talking to your manager, for instance, if they are a coworker). You can identify a slippery person by comparing how long they take to answer other people (or post social media). Don't become a stalker, however, it's not worth your time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="128" LastActivityDate="2017-07-14T20:44:42.567" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="619" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="620" CreationDate="2017-07-15T00:09:39.850" Score="19" ViewCount="1485" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have  lifts in our apartment block. Our lift goes to approximately 13 apartments, which is not a huge number. Some people I recognise, as they've owned their places since it was built (like me), but some of the apartments are rented out and the faces change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually we have the lift to ourselves, but sometimes someone else will come into the lift. It is usually awkward (there's an &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/rooms/61165/the-awkward-silence&quot;&gt;awkward silence&lt;/a&gt; while we travel). People tend to avert eye contact, which is difficult as there's mirrors on three sides of the lift walls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I help to stop this awkward silence? I'm hesitant to acknowledge the other person/people, as it seems to be the unwritten etiquette to ignore each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T05:47:51.293" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T16:57:00.187" Title="Lift etiquette - Should I talk to people who get in our lift?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="619" CreationDate="2017-07-15T00:54:54.210" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had similar experiences with this and other cases where I'm stuck in transit, for lack of a better word, in close proximity with other people. This could be on a subway, a bus, or an elevator. In most cases, I'm content to simply listen to music, as a way to pass the time on whatever short trip I'm taking. If a person has headphones/earbuds on, it's typically rude to interrupt them to make small talk, and so everyone in the compartment stays in their own little worlds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your situation is different for two reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The trip is short, given that it only goes to 13 apartments. This would make it a little odd to be listening to music to pass the time on an elevator ride taking no more than a couple minutes at the worst.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You know a decent amount of the people to some degree. I'm generally not a huge fan of flat-out ignoring people I sort of know in any situation; at the very least, I'll give them a cursory nod. From my experiences, most people do the same.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To solve the first problem, I'll on occasion - if I'm in an elevator - check my phone for texts, missed calls, etc. I'm not a person who uses my phone much, so it's entirely possible that I've missed something during the day. In an elevator, no matter where I'm going, there's nothing else I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to do. Even on a really busy day, it gives me time to regroup - and that includes checking if anyone has tried to contact me. I've witnessed plenty of other people doing the same, and it's actually sometimes a bit funny when five or so people are all standing around, glued to the screens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That solution still doesn't solve the second problem - namely, ignoring people you might know. Here, you can take two different approaches:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Nod in their direction (or say &quot;Hi&quot;) and do some small task, like checking your phone.&lt;/strong&gt; This means that, at the last, you've shown that you know them and, to some extent, care about them. It doesn't commit you to a conversation if you don't want to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make small talk.&lt;/strong&gt; Being in the elevator can give me time to check my phone, something I don't get to do if I'm busy during the day. You probably don't get to talk to these people much, either. If you know them and are comfortable talking to them, then briefly ask how they're doing (how their kids are doing, if you're both of that age) - again, doing something to show that you care a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've used this quite a bit in the past, even in the slightly longer stuck-in-transit situations I talked about above. It's not always clear that the other person will want to reciprocate. If you're not sure, ask something that &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; lead to small talk but doesn't commit you. Something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, how are you doing?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is better than &quot;Hi&quot; because it requires a response of some sort beyond a simple &quot;Hi&quot;. If they feel like talking, they can go into detail; take this as a cue to continue the conversation. If not, they might stick to a short &quot;Good; you?&quot;. If that's the case, respect that they don't want to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I don't know the other person well, I'll always use the first situation. It is extraordinarily awkward to start small talk with someone you don't know, and it might not be worth it if the conversation won't last long. If it's someone I do know, I'll use either one, depending on how I'm feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What if there's a third person?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say there are three people in the elevator: You, Person A, and Person B. You know Person A, but not Person B, and Persons A and B don't seem to know each other. &lt;strong&gt;I would not advise striking up a conversation with Person A.&lt;/strong&gt; I've been Person B before, and it's &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; weird to be that third person. I'll either feel embarrassed, like I'm intruding on something, or a little annoyed, for some inscrutable reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, if a third wheel could be involved, don't start talking with the one person. It will be very awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastActivityDate="2017-07-15T00:54:54.210" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="621" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-15T11:47:42.090" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A dance is a form of &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt;, typically where a large number of people will come to one place to dance. People can dance alone however usually people require partners in order to dance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; should also be used with this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the questions is about a general social event, and the party itself has no relevance to the question, then this tag should not be used, instead use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-16T14:57:47.783" LastActivityDate="2017-07-16T14:57:47.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="622" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-15T11:47:42.090" Score="0" Body="For questions which take place at or during a dance, or in the run up to an upcoming dance." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-16T14:58:00.780" LastActivityDate="2017-07-16T14:58:00.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="623" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="629" CreationDate="2017-07-15T12:49:03.287" Score="34" ViewCount="90624" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often when I start talking to people they say &quot;What's up?&quot;. How do I respond to this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I say &quot;What's up?&quot; back? I typically can't think of any good response and usually settle with &quot;hi&quot; or &quot;hello&quot;; is that ok?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="72" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-15T12:52:07.333" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T04:53:34.730" Title="How to respond to &quot;What's up?&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2019-03-05T16:10:04.660" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="623" CreationDate="2017-07-15T12:51:34.570" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;What's up&quot; is another way of asking &quot;How are you&quot; and &quot;what's going on&quot;. To reply, you can usually start the conversation with something interesting that's happened since you last spoke, or, if nothing interesting has happened you can simply say &quot;not much, what's up with you?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying &quot;What's up&quot; back or also saying &quot;hi&quot; would be a little awkward as they're asking you a question. If you can't think of anything interesting to reply with (i.e. nothing has happened), you can just say &quot;not much&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2017-07-15T12:51:34.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="623" CreationDate="2017-07-15T14:32:01.647" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try to respond with what is happening in your life, like if you got a new pet since you last met with the person, or the conversation will look like this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: What's up?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Nothing much, you?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: Nothing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep the conversation going. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Be sure though that you &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/856/how-do-i-become-less-self-centered/858#858&quot;&gt;don't ramble&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="257" LastEditorUserId="257" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T14:15:42.487" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T14:15:42.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="626" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-15T16:11:22.817" Score="10" ViewCount="1324" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is closely related to the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/623/how-to-respond-to-whats-up&quot;&gt;How to respond to &amp;quot;What&amp;#39;s up?&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt; post, but carries some different nuances. What is the best course of action when a casual acquaintance or work colleague greets you with a &quot;How are you?&quot;  Is a casual or non-committal &quot;Okay, thanks&quot; expected, or should one give a more accurate (if not fully detailed) response such as &quot;I'm feeling a bit down today&quot;?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would giving the later be uncomfortable for most casual enquirers, as it might make them feel obliged to converse more than the mere exchange of greetings? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-07-15T18:56:09.327" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T20:33:39.223" Title="What reply is expected to the query &quot;How are you?&quot;" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="627" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-15T18:54:54.603" Score="17" ViewCount="4668" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of my friend (which makes her a kind of &quot;distant friend&quot;) went into an argument with me today. In this argument, she brought up favors she did for me previously (yes, there were one or two which means very much to me, but &lt;em&gt;I think&lt;/em&gt; it's not a big deal for her - I may be wrong, though). She was asking for a small favor that I can't do for her because I need to be in somewhere else (not that I don't want to help her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never brought up any favor I've done to anyone, even in a heated argument, but today I broke up that and mentioned a favor I've done for her - which may seems not much in her eyes, but actually costed a great deal for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I kinda regretted that moment, but I really hate when someone brought this topic against me, especially because I would never expect anything when I do favor for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should one respond politely when a friend brings up the favors they've done for you?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm asking for the general situation (a casual talk), and when in an argument, specifically. The person never brought up this before, so it's a one-time incident. Both the person and me are ethnic Chinese in Indonesia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T17:21:25.760" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T05:06:47.087" Title="How to politely deal with a friend who asks for a favor and brings up favors I asked previously?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="626" CreationDate="2017-07-15T22:32:25.373" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, if you want to keep a conversation going, you could say, &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I'm great, I just got a new dog&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;, or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are in a rush, you could say, &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I'm fine, thanks&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;, or something along those lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are having a bad day, and you would prefer them not to know about it, say something like, &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I'm good, thanks&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;. If you want them to know, say something like, &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I could be better, my dog just died.&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck! :D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="257" LastActivityDate="2017-07-15T22:32:25.373" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="629" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="623" CreationDate="2017-07-17T01:19:50.627" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;What's up?&quot; is typically used in a &lt;a href=&quot;http://slatestarcodex.com/2015/01/11/the-phatic-and-the-anti-inductive/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;phatic manner&lt;/a&gt; as opposed to actually being a question with an expectation of an answer. The purpose of this phrase is to indicate interest in the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of this, &quot;Nothing much&quot; is a perfectly valid response. If this is too boring you can try one of the variations like, &quot;Same old, same old&quot;. This is perfectly fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said I usually try to give out a bit more info, even if it's just, &quot;Nothing much, I just got myself a drink&quot; or &quot;Nothing much, sadly I've been a bit too busy to do anything interesting (compare to the same phrase with the nothing much; in this case, the other person is more likely to feel obligated to respond to what you've said, instead of moving it to the topic they'd actually like to talk about). I prefer these versions because by making an effort to provide at least some answer to the question you are showing that you are more engaged with the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I generally try to provide a reasonable conversation hook like, &quot;Oh, not that much, I've just been watching a bunch of videos from Crash Course&quot;. This also has the advantage of making look like a slightly more interesting person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="127" LastEditorUserId="127" LastEditDate="2017-07-18T00:47:21.227" LastActivityDate="2017-07-18T00:47:21.227" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="630" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="564" CreationDate="2017-07-17T04:59:07.357" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it normal or recommended to look into stranger's eyes when walking on a street, especially when it involves the opposite sex?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, it is normal to look into people's eyes while walking through the street as long as it doesn't become awkward. Sometimes, people look in my eyes and when I notice, I just smile back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you look into their eyes and they look at you after this, you shouldn't turn your head in other direction, because it may make them believe that you're not confident enough. In this case, you can just smile and there will be only three cases mentioned by @Joe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, this totally depends on the nature of the person you're looking at that whether they will find it creepy or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If so how long and how many times you look towards that person without looking suspicious/creepy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking into people's eyes, especially when it is about opposite sex, is a normal human behavior. You can do this as long as it doesn't turn out to be a constant stare or make the person in front uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2017-07-17T04:59:07.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="631" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-17T13:27:19.417" Score="15" ViewCount="982" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often notice for myself, as well as for certain other people, that depending on personality and some other subtle factors, there are types of people who (usually unintentionally) start over-explaining things during any conversation, be it a real life talk, or an online chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Note: I desire to keep the scope of the question for both, to provide some general &quot;guide&quot; for the matter, though I admit that online superfluousness and its counterpart in real life are worthy for questions on their own.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over-explaining can be the source of several mild to serious issues in interpersonal communications:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;becoming too detailed may lead you expose information you normally wouldn't want to and/or shouldn't (usually details on your private life);&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;overlong responses without focusing on the point may lead to the others becoming bored, and it distracts communication partners from contacting you for other matters in the future;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;it exhausts the answerer, too, without any gain in return.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I am concerned, I try limiting myself in this aspect, but sadly I'm often unable to overcome this disadvantage. For example, when I ask something from someone, I often feel compelled to explain, &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; I ask it, in order to avoid the impression that I have bad intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are the contributing factors that set the &quot;proper&quot; depth of explaining a question or a statement, and what can one do to overcome it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="44" LastEditorUserId="18715" LastEditDate="2018-06-16T10:31:12.257" LastActivityDate="2018-08-11T14:07:13.343" Title="How can I estimate the length of my responses or reactions to avoid wasting others' time?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="631" CreationDate="2017-07-17T15:01:37.013" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You may make it a two-way dialog.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person you are talking to is in listen mode, you may find yourself wondering if they care about what you are saying. They may be listening because they are intrigued and want to listen to more. Or they may be silently thinking about something else because you are talking about something they are not interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to avoid giving too much information is to find a way to get the other person to engage in the conversation as well. You might ask a simple question like &quot;Has that ever happened to you?&quot; or something similar. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get an encouraging response, with an accompanying smile or body expression that shows they are engaged in your ideas, then that should be a good sign to go ahead and finish what you are saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, you might get a simple Yes/No answer, a shrug, and perhaps a blank stare. That would be your cue to stop. Additionally, they may simply use this opportunity to change the subject, and if so, it may be a good idea to follow it onto another topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They key point is to get some form of feedback as to whether you should go on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note, if you find that you are repeating yourself, that is probably a sign that this thread of conversation should end. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-07-17T15:01:37.013" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="633" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1342" CreationDate="2017-07-17T16:16:38.460" Score="15" ViewCount="1575" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a tendency of talking over my family  and interrupting during conversations. It's a bad habit and then I break the other person's concentration and often miss out on what they're going to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more serious the conversation the more likely I am to do it. I feel the need to teach them and ideas come into my head and I feel the need to say them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a shame, I think I've missed out on being more supportive of my family  and I feel I'm a bit arrogant to be doing this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than thinking about what I'm going to say; what exercises or practices can I do to help stop me from interrupting and to focus on the other person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Related to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/297/how-can-i-learn-to-be-a-good-active-listener&quot;&gt;How can I learn to be a good active listener?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T05:49:02.653" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T18:45:40.677" Title="Talking over my family and interrupting them" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;active-listening&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="634" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1908" CreationDate="2017-07-17T16:34:28.993" Score="37" ViewCount="17966" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm planning on having a birthday party. I'd like to invite a friend of mine, however, nobody in our group likes his girlfriend. Is there a polite way of hinting I don't want her there? Chances are that she might show up with him anyway even if she's not invited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="337" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T16:50:00.807" LastActivityDate="2019-10-24T12:55:09.620" Title="How can I invite a friend but not his girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="635" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="639" CreationDate="2017-07-17T17:37:00.073" Score="11" ViewCount="1342" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine told me recently that he ordered an Uber, and while the car was coming, the app informed him that his driver was &quot;deaf or hard of hearing.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/ysb9B.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/ysb9Bm.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;screenshot showing Uber&amp;#39;s message: &amp;quot;your driver is deaf or hard of hearing.&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was unsure of the proper etiquette for interacting with a driver with hearing difficulties, and I wasn't sure what to tell him. (He told me that they barely talked at all, but the driver looked in the rear-view mirror whenever there was something to say, apparently to read my friend's lips.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything that someone absolutely should/should not do in this situation? Should the passenger try to talk more loudly, or more clearly? Should he try not to talk at all? Other?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="319" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T10:09:23.783" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T10:09:23.783" Title="How to interact with a deaf/hard of hearing Uber driver" Tags="&lt;cars&gt;&lt;disability&gt;&lt;service-personnel&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="613" CreationDate="2017-07-17T20:42:23.723" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I occasionally have a similar issue with &quot;reader's vocabulary,&quot; myself. It's certainly a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try, as much as I am able, to assume good intent when people correct my pronunciation of high-vocabulary words. Even though sometimes the correction may sound harsh (many times, because it's a quick word that can sound like a verbal jab), I've learned that most of the time, the corrector means well. As some of the commenters have already pointed out, would you really rather continue to mispronounce those words indefinitely? It's much better if the mistake is caught early on, before you use one of your &quot;reader's vocabulary&quot; words on an important job interview or the like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be useful to try to mentally reframe your roommate's intent in this way. Even if you think that your roommate &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; include some unnecessary mockery in his corrections, you can &quot;neutralize&quot; it by smiling back and giving him a sincere &quot;Thank you for that correction; I really appreciate that.&quot; will, ex post facto, force him to continue the conversation as if he did not intend any meanness at all. It will also make both of you look at future corrections in a more positive light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="319" LastActivityDate="2017-07-17T20:42:23.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="637" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-17T21:15:32.820" Score="10" ViewCount="700" Body="&lt;p&gt;Occasionally, friends will complain to me about various things. When they do, I feel bad about it, and attempt to offer various pieces of advice to try to fix the problem. My mindset is, in this regard, pretty oriented toward problem-solving and just trying to help my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, after I give them my best thoughts, sometimes I get the sense that the friend didn't really want that advice, and only wanted to &quot;vent&quot; or complain about their problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some signs that might indicate to me, the listener, whether a friend wants to hear advice or feedback about their complaint, or whether they merely wanted to vent about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="319" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T15:35:50.813" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T15:35:50.813" Title="How to tell when a friend wants advice regarding their complaint?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="638" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="657" CreationDate="2017-07-17T21:27:26.923" Score="25" ViewCount="3587" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work at a camp run by the nature center in a large local nature reservation. Each camp is for three hours, either in the morning or afternoon. Optimally, there is a naturalist leading the camp, an assistant naturalist, and a volunteer, for 14 kids. I'm an assistant naturalist; this week I'm working with preschoolers (aged 4-5 years).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The volunteer I have is a teenager about the same age as me (18-ish). This is his second week here, and he's on a camp in the morning and one in the afternoon. Both I and the naturalist for this camp noticed that while he's extraordinarily helpful when asked to do a task, he lacks direction on his own. For instance, if I'm setting up for a craft, he often won't act unless explicitly asked to do so (at which point he does whatever he's told, and does it well with no complaints). He &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; know what things need to be done, in general; he learned the process quickly after his first week. This was a bit puzzling for me at first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tasks he would help with or do include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Setting up for crafts&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reading to campers during free time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Walking in the middle of the line (instead of the back, where I am) during hikes, so someone can be right with the kids&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Participating a bit when we do games&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This afternoon, we learned from a coworker that this volunteer has mild autism, and while he's quite high-functioning, this is a behavioral quirk of his related to his autism. We're not sure how aware he is of this particular symptom. I'm now quite sympathetic to his plight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A preschool camp is always difficult, even if you're experienced, and we know that the volunteer might have gotten more than he bargained for. However, we need all three of us to work as a team for the camp to go as well as it should. Therefore, we want him to be a bit more independent. He knows the procedures; we need to get him to apply them without explicitly asking him each time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we tell the volunteer that he needs to be a little more independent when doing these tasks? I do want to be nice if possible - after all, he volunteered to sacrifice his own time and take a huge step out of his comfort zone - but I also need him to do what is required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should add that I also understand if this is something the volunteer may not be able to do. If that's the case, I certainly don't want to pressure him too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T15:38:03.337" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T00:50:07.327" Title="How can I ask an autistic volunteer at camp to be more independent?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="635" CreationDate="2017-07-17T21:53:10.913" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is really going to depend on the driver. Hopefully your driver will let you know how to communicate with them when you get into the car. I've heard some drivers have pads of paper they may use to communicate questions like if you'd like some water, or would like to pick a specific type of music. They may also let you know if they read lips or if you need to write down any special requests - you can do the latter either on a notepad app on your phone or on paper if you have any. If they &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; let you know, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-stine/15-complaints-from-a-lip-reader_b_8612004.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;ask them!&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;12&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Don’t assume that all deaf or hard of hearing people can lip read. Ask what their preferred method of communication is first — an interpreter, lip reading, writing back and forth, or even cellphone messages back and forth.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note, that over-enunciation or speaking loudly can actually make it more difficult for them to read your lips. There are five great tips for how to be understood when interacting with someone who is lipreading &lt;a href=&quot;http://deafexpressions.blogspot.com/2015/08/five-tips-to-make-lipreading-easier.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;. They go into more detail but the five tips are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tip #1: Beware of facial hair.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Tip #2: Don’t stand in front of a window or light.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Tip #3: Watch your hands.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Tip #4: Speak naturally and at a SLIGHTLY slower pace. Do not over-enunciate.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Tip #5: Don’t chew gum or talk with your mouth full.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing they note is that even the best lipreaders can't read everything you say, so passing notes may be the better option if you really want to convey something specific.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need to say something to them, you can tap them &lt;em&gt;gently&lt;/em&gt; on the shoulder to get their attention, being cognizant of safety. If they need to avert their eyes to read your lips or a note you're passing their way, they may be distracted from actually driving. As such, unless the driver is actively trying to communicate with you or you need to talk to them, you should follow their lead and let them focus on driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some &lt;a href=&quot;https://eligibility.com/social-security-disability/lip-reading-tips-for-better-communication-with-those-who-are-deaf-or-hard-of-hearing&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;other interesting notes&lt;/a&gt; on lipreading that relate to those who are both deaf or hard of hearing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;For people who are hard of hearing and combine lip reading with some sound identification, be aware that background noise can be confusing. Try to find a quiet area, mute a television or a radio and speak up in a clear voice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Some hearing impaired individuals use hearing aids, implant devices and other forms of assistance to augment lip reading. If that’s the case, be courteous and give time for them to put the devices in if requested.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Before speaking, make sure you have the person’s attention. Make eye contact before you speak. Tap them on a shoulder if needed. Do not wave your hand in front of a hearing impaired person’s face though--it’s considered rude. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you use Uber a lot and would like to brighten the day of a hearing impaired driver, consider learning some basic signs in your local sign language (it differs by country, not just language) like &quot;Hi/hello&quot;, &quot;Do you read lips?&quot;, and &quot;Thank you [for the ride]!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-07-17T21:53:10.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="637" CreationDate="2017-07-17T23:12:08.507" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the foolproof way to know for sure is to ask. Find a lull in the conversation or, if you can tell they're getting ready to start one of these sessions, ask then. If this is a friend you go through this with a lot, perhaps you can even have a &quot;deal&quot; with them to let you know before the venting what they expect from the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom and I actually do this. If I need to vent and tell her about how I'm feeling, I let her know and she's just a shoulder to cry on or a body to scream frustrations at... and I do the same for her. If we actually want to talk through something (often after the venting is over), we'll go into &quot;problem solving&quot; mode and really work out why I feel the way I do or what solutions will work in the future to either prevent it or how to deal with it in the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know up front, there are some solutions for you, still. Start out just listening to what they're saying. Receive the information, ask leading questions that are open and show that you're listening actively and paying attention but without questioning their choices. Let them share. Once they've told you everything, they may just say &quot;thanks for listening&quot; or they may say something like &quot;what do you think I should do?&quot; If they do the latter, they've just given you the chance to help, the &quot;sign&quot; if you will. In the case of the former, I'd follow it with something like &quot;I'm always here to listen. Let me know if you want any help working through this/solving this problem.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say that much of the time, friends want to solve their own problems - or they may have already dealt with it or know how they're going to deal with it - they just want someone who will be there to commiserate with them. But the important thing is, until they ask you for help or open up to help, you may just frustrate them by asking them to calm down or trying to help &quot;solve&quot; the problem. There's some interesting (if gross) advice about dealing with venting in an &lt;a href=&quot;http://lifehacker.com/how-to-listen-when-someone-is-venting-505638078&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;article by Psychiatrist Mark Goulston&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Today as a practicing business psychiatrist and CEO advisor, I've noticed that when you're faced with an upset customer, client, employee, shareholder, child, parent, spouse, or friend, it can actually feel like they're bulging with emotion and about to explode. Your instinctual and intuitive reaction may be to try to calm them down, urge them to cool off, suggest it's not worth getting so upset about. And sometimes that may work. But in cases where they're really upset, you may need to drain their emotional abscess just as you would have to do with a physical abscess. In those situations, asking them to calm down before they've vented will be about as useful as skipping straight to antibiotics before cleaning their wound.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And yet a lot of people don't know how to listen to someone venting. Usually, people take one of two attitudes. Option 1 is to jump in and give advice—but this is not the same as listening, and the person doing the venting may respond with &quot;Just listen to me! Don't tell me what to do.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Option 2 (usually attempted after Option 1) is to swing to the other extreme, and sit there silently. But this doesn't actively help the person doing the venting to drain their negative emotions. Consequently, it's about as rewarding as venting to your dog.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He recommends three key questions for someone who is venting:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;What are you most frustrated about?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;What are you most angry about?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;What are you really worried about?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted, this guy is a business specialist so this may be a bit formalized for someone who's a friend but the basic framework should still work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-07-17T23:12:08.507" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="641" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="725" CreationDate="2017-07-18T01:04:48.577" Score="12" ViewCount="2147" Body="&lt;p&gt;Obviously it's wrong to &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wikihow.com/Interact-with-the-Blind&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;talk to a guide dog instead of the person&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't talk to then guide dog instead of the blind person, this is&#xA;  insulting and the dog never answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some reason I was taught that you don't discuss a guide dog with a blind person, as it focuses on their disability and it's better to make small talk about other things. This is when you may encounter a blind person you do not know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our neighbourhood we have quite a few blind people and sometimes people will get to know each other's voices and say hi in the street or the shops.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking, if I see a person with a dog, we'll usually discuss the dog, as they're usually cute and interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in a shop and a blind lady didn't have her dog, she was using a cane. She started up a chat, as my son was being cute and she asked how old he was. I then asked where her dog was and instantly I felt bad. (I'd broken this invisible rule - I'm not sure where it came from).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When starting up a chat with a blind person should one avoid discussing their dog?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T05:42:57.207" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T05:42:57.207" Title="Is it okay to talk about a blind person's guide dog to the blind person?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;disability&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-10-04T17:57:53.840" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="642" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="510" CreationDate="2017-07-18T01:16:57.310" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before hanging up, I would try saying no in a very clear manner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;[NAME], I'm really sorry but I cannot help you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You start with their name in order to get their attention. You say that you're sorry as to be more polite. You explicitly say no (&quot;&lt;em&gt;I cannot help you&lt;/em&gt;&quot;) rather than implicitly saying no (&quot;&lt;em&gt;it's late&lt;/em&gt;&quot;) so that the message is clear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is particularly important when someone is distressed and they may miss these signals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, I'd go with a slightly modified version of John's suggestion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm really sorry [NAME], but I've got a long day tomorrow and I need&#xA;  to go. I hope you find someone to help you. Good night!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main difference between my suggestions and John's is that you are suggesting that because it is late you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to go to sleep, while it John's it may be understood as you &lt;em&gt;choosing&lt;/em&gt; to go to sleep as you haven't offered an excuse as to why you must do it. The person you are speaking to might infer that you are &lt;em&gt;choosing&lt;/em&gt; to go to sleep to avoid having to speak to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, the best response also depends on your relationship with the other person and how honest you can be with them. I can imagine situations where it would be best to say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;[NAME], I'm going to sleep&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which would clearly indicate that they are annoying you to some degree. With the right person though, they will accept that they were being annoying and respect you for setting boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="127" LastEditorUserId="50" LastEditDate="2017-07-18T21:26:45.820" LastActivityDate="2017-07-18T21:26:45.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="645" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-18T11:56:47.903" Score="17" ViewCount="2446" Body="&lt;p&gt;In &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/631/102&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt;, one of the answers talks about ending conversations before they get awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you think a conversation is going to get awkward, how do you end it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="72" LastEditorUserId="72" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T15:41:34.780" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T10:55:27.820" Title="When you feel like a conversation has gone on too long, how do you make it end?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-03-05T14:20:04.817" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="646" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="670" CreationDate="2017-07-18T13:00:23.357" Score="6" ViewCount="635" Body="&lt;p&gt;A colleague is nearing retirement age, and you are curious as to when they will take the step and what they plan to get up to. Your intentions are not self-serving beyond the fact that you will miss the person when they go; and you are genuinely interested in what life holds in store for them. How can you ask them about their plans without coming across as &quot;rushing them out the door?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-07-19T20:05:50.167" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T20:05:50.167" Title="Inquiring about a colleague's retirement plans without seeming to be rude?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="645" CreationDate="2017-07-18T13:37:47.863" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had this problem in the past, both at social events (when I'm talking to someone and &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; can't break off the discussion) and online (messaging someone via Facebook, for example). In the instances I've experienced, I'm typically talking to a close friend or family member. This can make things either easier or harder, depending on the person and the exact situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;When you're at a group event.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My typical conversation-ending excuse is that I have to be somewhere. This can be easier if I'm at a large group function, like a party. I might say, at a pause in the conversation,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I told [Person X] that I'd spend some time chatting with them today/tonight; it's been a while since I've seen them. If you don't mind, I'd like to pop over and see them for a bit. Will you be around for a while, so we can talk more later?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that people are largely agreeable to this, for a few reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They understand that they are not the only person you want to socialize with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've indicated that you're not ditching them for the rest of the event, and you'll be back.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You haven't criticized them in any way, and you've dodged the fact that the conversation was getting awkward.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they feel that things were getting awkward, they'll likely be relieved that you've found a way to end the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;When you're talking one-on-one.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also possible to use the first tactic here, but modified:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I told [Person X] that I'd meet them for [coffee/lunch/a walk/homework/a date/etc.], and I have to go in a couple minutes. I enjoyed talking to you; [insert question about getting together again].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is the last bit: Letting them know that you do, in fact, want to talk to them. You leaving is not in any way a reflection on them personally; it's just that you do have other things to do (not necessarily involving another person - maybe you have to drive somewhere, for instance. To be honest, long conversations &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; take up too much time. I've been there, trying to end a conversation with a friend because I need to get dinner, meet up with someone, or even go to sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to be specific about the issue - I rarely am - but you should still emphasize that you enjoyed talking with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Sub-section: Talking over the phone or the Internet.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things get a little easier if you're talking to someone remotely. If you're with someone in person, you've dedicated some time exclusively to them; you're expected to actually use that time to talk and do stuff. On the other hand, if you're calling a person, texting them, or, say, Skyping them, you might be in the middle of doing something else, and you've set aside Y minutes to briefly reach out to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, I'll sometimes message with a friend if I'm taking a study break. I set aside ten minutes in the middle of a problem set to relax and refresh myself. Occasionally, they'll be in the middle of a block of free time, so they'll be a bit chattier. At the end of the ten minutes, I'll emphasize that I need to go finish my task:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Make a comment to sort of end the thing you were talking about.] Anyway, I have to get back to my [problem set/studying/reading/note-taking]. I don't want to take too long of a break! I'll see you [at school/at dinner/at practice/tomorrow/etc.].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've done this plenty of times, and I have yet to use it and &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; have the other person understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things are a bit trickier if neither person has to be anywhere, i.e. if you both have free time. I sometimes talk with my family and friends from elsewhere over Skype at night, and there's no set cutoff time. This is a place I've had trouble in the past. Usually, things work out best when I mention that I have to go to sleep, if it's getting late (as should they, unless they're in a different timezone!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;When you're talking with someone close.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of the above can be a little bit trickier if you're talking with a family member, significant other, or close friend. On occasion, I've had pushback when I try to use one of the above reasons (but &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; when I'm close with the person - and not often). This is because the other person might feel that you should spend more time with them than Person X, if you know Person X - &lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; if they still want to say something, but haven't yet gotten it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other person should respect your wishes if you really need to do something else or be there. If you have a good relationship, then they know you well, and it's up to them to accept that you do (sometimes) have other things to focus on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ending a conversation with a person you're close to might be a bit harder, but it's still important that you end the conversation if it's getting too long, and it's negatively impacting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-18T13:37:47.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="633" CreationDate="2017-07-18T18:13:54.337" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are already set to correct your behavior, it might be best to ask them to remind you when you interrupt them. I noticed that I control myself better if I do these two things: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Responding by nodding or &quot;hm&quot; or &quot;uh-huh&quot; occasionally, especially when they just finished a point. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This might not be for everyone, but during a serious conversation, I tend to cover my mouth &quot;thinker&quot; style (I don't know how to phrase it better, sorry). At least I need to interrupt my position if I need to speak, giving me time to realize I'm about to speak (in this case, about to interrupt).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-07-18T18:13:54.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="623" CreationDate="2017-07-18T20:02:57.830" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can answer in the way you like to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, I respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All good, thanks. And you? / what about you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Fine, and you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Fine, thanks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, since you usually say &quot;hi&quot; or &quot;hello&quot;, you can add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Oh, hi, how are you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hello there &lt;em&gt;I think I read this response from a PSX videogame calle Yu-Gi-Oh! Forbidden Memories&lt;/em&gt; :)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="50" LastEditorUserId="50" LastEditDate="2017-07-18T21:13:42.610" LastActivityDate="2017-07-18T21:13:42.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="652" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-18T21:23:45.220" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-07-18T21:23:45.220" LastActivityDate="2017-07-18T21:23:45.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="653" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-18T21:23:45.220" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-07-18T21:23:45.220" LastActivityDate="2017-07-18T21:23:45.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="646" CreationDate="2017-07-18T21:48:38.747" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a tough one :P&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would personally ask them if they are planning on retiring soon. Moving around the question bothers me as a person and people being honest really helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, how are you doing? ... &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;normal conversation&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt; ... so I have been meaning to ask you, are you planning to retire anytime soon? I would miss you when you retire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really just getting to the point and not trying to probe around the question would help out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally used this in my life and it turned out fine. Nobody was offended or felt &quot;rushed out the door&quot;. Sometimes not trying to go around the question is the right thing to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="117" LastEditorUserId="117" LastEditDate="2017-07-18T21:58:43.913" LastActivityDate="2017-07-18T21:58:43.913" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="641" CreationDate="2017-07-19T02:49:53.287" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've never avoided mention of the guide dog when there was something I felt like saying, such as remarking on its excellent behavior, or its absence. To my way of thinking the dog is a partner and a friend, and someone they have put a lot of trust into, so it's as appropriate, or in appropriate, to discuss the dog as it would be to discuss their life-partner, given the same circumstances.&#xA;I.e.: If you know them well enough to talk about their family in a casual manner, then talking about the guide dog is also appropriate. Don't talk to the dog as you would their partner or family member, but talk &lt;em&gt;about&lt;/em&gt; it at the same level of familiarity as you would a family member. To people who rely on service animals the animal is as much family, sometimes more so, as their partner, parents, or children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I do avoid is comments about the dog being cute, good looking, or other visual attributes and comments. Discussing visual cues with someone who obviously doesn't see the same way I do seems improper. Things about the dog that are visual are not the only limits. I also avoid saying things about the sunset, the colors of the flowers and cars I see, or how &quot;good&quot; lunch looks. It reminds them of the differences they have from you, and other so-called &lt;em&gt;normal&lt;/em&gt; people. (Though I've never personally met Mr. Normal, or anyone else in the Normal Clan, and don't think they exist.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Side note on this&lt;/em&gt;. I have known some blind people who appreciated conversations and descriptions of visual stimuli. Especially those not born blind but who have accepted their sight loss and are positively &quot;back in life.&quot; They still appreciate what they have lost, but are not depressed, or offended, when the conversation turns &quot;visual.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="27" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T02:49:53.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="638" CreationDate="2017-07-19T08:05:27.987" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;With almost all ASD (autism spectrum disorders) social skills are usually underdeveloped. All other &quot;conditions&quot; can vary from severe lack of ability to normal functioning. In the so-called high-functioning cases (no longer an employed term in the official cannon of the  American Psychiatric Association), there may only be one or two &quot;symptoms&quot; beyond the lack of social skills. In any case, the social skills are likely the biggest part of the issue here. The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) lists Autism Spectrum Disorder classification, reproduced in &lt;a href=&quot;http://images.pearsonclinical.com/images/assets/basc-3/basc3resources/DSM5_DiagnosticCriteria_AutismSpectrumDisorder.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;PDF&lt;/a&gt; format from Person Clinical, and an &lt;a href=&quot;https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/Screening%20Tools/DSM-5%28ASD.Guidelines%29Feb2013.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;expanded version&lt;/a&gt; is available from Washington University. Either version is well worth your time to read.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They don't naturally read social cues and might be stressed out by social situations. You volunteer seems to be well versed in &quot;how&quot; to perform the things you have asked him to do, yet doesn't realise &quot;when&quot; to do them. A common problem with ASD is the ritualisation of behaviours. A high-functioning person may recognise that, and attempt to control it, to avoid unwanted attention. This creates a difficulty when changing between activities as well as planning and organising. Now you are wanting him to understand and repeat a pattern of behaviour, or a ritual, and he is unsure what to do: break the ritual to avoid the attention, or follow the ritual as told.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best you can do is learn, by observation, what his limits are and work within them. From the described behaviour, it seems that you can rely on him to do an assigned task - &lt;em&gt;a &lt;strong&gt;single&lt;/strong&gt; task&lt;/em&gt; - well, but not a list of tasks or an agenda. Don't expect him to do what he cannot. It may require more supervisory efforts from you, or planning differently, to utilise his help, but well worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something often overlooked is the attention to detail that ASD people commonly have. Frequently it borders on perfectionism. (OCD is often a co-diagnosis to ASD.) This detailed attention can be useful, in that such individuals may notice things that others miss. The social clues of posture and expression may mean nothing to him, but a disturbed leaf could provide volumes of information to him. If you find that your volunteer has this gift it can be useful for your in the naturist environment. He may spot animals or plants others would miss. One possible symptom of ASD is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; spontaneously showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest. You can however eliminate the spontaneous part by &quot;asking&quot; him to show you something when he finds it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BTW, it seems that your volunteer could have what was formerly called Asperger's Disorder, which was listed in the fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) and is now absorbed into the redefined ASD in the DSM-5. Resources that you can find on Asperger's may also be of help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="27" LastEditorUserId="27" LastEditDate="2018-01-08T09:25:57.053" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T09:25:57.053" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="638" CreationDate="2017-07-19T11:57:08.407" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may sound trite, but is he aware that you &lt;em&gt;want him to engage in these behaviors automatically?&lt;/em&gt;  You may need to simply make things very explicit.  Create a short written plan for the day, and for each step, outline what you would expect him to specifically do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Activity 1&lt;/strong&gt; Set up for Arts and Crafts&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;__: Lay out materials on the tables, then ask for further instructions&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Activity 2&lt;/strong&gt; Greet the children as they walk in&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;__: stand by the tables and help the kids to get seated&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Activity 3&lt;/strong&gt; Clean up from A&amp;amp;C&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;__: bring the garbage pail by each table.  Sing the &lt;em&gt;clean up&lt;/em&gt; song with us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Activity 4&lt;/strong&gt; Line up the kids&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;__: Just watch and make sure that no kids need help&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Activity 5&lt;/strong&gt; Hike&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;__: Stand in the middle of the line...  &lt;em&gt;(etc)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having such a plan will allow him to be sure that he is doing what is needed and to move around with more autonomy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T11:57:08.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="634" CreationDate="2017-07-19T12:17:05.613" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no polite way to say this as it is an incredibly rude gesture. The underlying problem seems to be that you do not trust your friend's judgement in women. You could go with the honest approach though: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey ___, I know you like your girlfriend, but I do not and I have no interest in getting to know her better. The party is for ____ and we feel that it would be better if she were not there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to lose this friend, but it sounds like you are already at risk of losing the friend by forcing him to choose between you and her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:32:12.793" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:32:12.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="623" CreationDate="2017-07-19T13:29:52.297" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depends on who's asking and the setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say this ideally should be asked by someone who you have shared some sort of experience with (a work colleague, close friend, etc.). If it's just some random person, then I think the question is a little awkward; the reason being that &quot;What's up?&quot; is an invitation to offer a conversational hook. If I don't know who you are, then there's really no common ground and it puts me in an awkward position. If I'm sociable, then no big deal, but the person asking &quot;What's up?&quot; doesn't know that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd go even further and say that if you don't have a casual, joking relationship with that person, then they shouldn't be asking that. Of course, it wouldn't be rude, but there would be many other ways to acknowledge the person/setting without putting them on the hook. Proper response in this case: &quot;Not much&quot; with politeness and neutrality in expression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One exception to this is if you're in a room of people that you don't know and you were just introduced by someone you do know. In this case, &quot;What's up?&quot; is an icebreaker for you to meet and greet the others, not to be extended to any conversation, but to go down the line to acknowledge each person. This should be used in a casual setting only, and is typically seen in a group of guys hanging out. In this case, it's more about responding back with confidence and enthusiasm since you're giving a first impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand (used one-on-one), asking &quot;What's up?&quot; to a friend should imply some sort of casual response that somehow recollects a moment/shared experience that you both can relate to and that is unique to your experiences together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance: My buddy and I periodically meet up for happy hour at the same bar on Fridays. When he's texting me &quot;What's up?&quot; at 3pm, I know exactly what he's talking about. Another example would be if I haven't seen a friend who I haven't seen in a while, but who's got a great sense of humor. I this case, I'd answer it with some sort of off-the-wall answer that will make him chuckle and get the rest of the conversation going on the right footing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="175" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T13:29:52.297" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="662" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="717" CreationDate="2017-07-19T13:40:26.123" Score="11" ViewCount="502" Body="&lt;p&gt;Very often, when I need someone's help (be it a little advice or the need of an item, be it at the work or among friends, and so on) a feeling of stress comes over my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found out it has various reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the fear of talking to someone,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the fear of looking weak, dumb or desperate,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;and most often, the fear that other, irrelevant people also notice that I have a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I'm quite sure I'm not the only one, I decided to ask: what is it possible to do against it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="44" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T14:13:09.470" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:13:09.470" Title="How to overcome the anxiety occuring when one wants to ask for help?" Tags="&lt;approach&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-10-24T21:52:18.587" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="663" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-19T13:41:42.920" Score="69" ViewCount="21867" Body="&lt;p&gt;Each day, I drive through a heavily wooded area in a nature reservation (in the United States). The roads have many twists, turns and hills, and the speed limit is 25 miles per hour. Cars going much faster are likely to crash. There are few, if any, places to turn off; guardrails, embankments and a foot-wide shoulder make pulling over virtually impossible. There are also no passing zones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I normally drive at the speed limit or a little bit below (20 mph on the worst sections), because even though I know the area well, it's still not as safe as, say, a nice flat side street. However, over the last week, I've had several cases where a person is tailgating me - typically an SUV roughly two or three feet behind my rear bumper. I seem to have a couple choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I could go faster, and risk injuring myself and any other vehicles, cyclists or nearby pedestrians. This also means that I'd have less time to stop at wildlife crossings, which are fairly common on these roads. Enough collisions with animals happen already in the area.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I could go the same speed, and continue to annoy the driver.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I could attempt to pull off at one or two spots, but the other driver is so close that I'm afraid to slow down while I pull off - they could still hit me!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could, of course, go slower, but that would simply be obnoxious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the moment, I use the second option (and I should be clear: I'm &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; asking for advice on what the best thing to do is). I'd prefer to be safe above all else, and that's the safest solution for everyone involved (although it's not my personal responsibility to decide how fast another vehicle should go). On the other hand, it's always possible that the other vehicle needs to get somewhere for an emergency - and that worries me a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it rude for me to stay with the second option? I'd prefer safety above courtesy, of course, but it still bugs me a bit. Having them tailgate me when they want to go faster is also a bit dangerous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-07-19T22:06:56.933" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T04:57:15.907" Title="Is it rude to drive at the speed limit on dangerous roads when another driver wants to go faster?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;driving&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T01:52:23.367" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="664" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T14:41:40.400" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not sure about driving etiquette and driving language (like blinking passenger-side turn once or twice to say &quot;it's safe to overtake&quot; or driver-side turn to say &quot;don't overtake&quot;) in your country, but it seems to me that under no circumstances following the rules can be rude. Driving rules are mostly written in blood, and that is a strong reason to follow them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Russia you can touch brake (push it just a bit so that stop lights are on, but there is no actual braking) twice (make a stop-light blink) to tell the other driver that you won't go faster and you feel he is too close. Not sure if it's a common signal in your country, but you could still try and hope that she gets the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="155" LastEditorUserId="155" LastEditDate="2017-07-24T09:54:17.273" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T09:54:17.273" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="662" CreationDate="2017-07-19T15:33:48.753" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've always struggled with social stuff, but in the last few years, I've been working on myself. The best thing I've learnt is to just do it. I used to struggle to say something because before it had left my mouth I'd overthought it and thought it was stupid, etc. The worst thing that can happen is they think what you say is stupid, or they just ignore it. If you force yourself to do the things that terrify you they won't bother you after the thousandth time, and you'll just get what you need to do, for example I'm terrified of height, so I'm going skydiving next month.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to do the thing before letting your mind talk you out of it. You could start by just asking strangers on the street for the time, then as you get more comfortable with that you ask for more, like directions or their thoughts on something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;strong&gt;Just do it, make your dreams come true&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; - Shia LaBeouf&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="347" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-19T15:41:40.430" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T15:41:40.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="666" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T15:44:06.483" Score="80" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I am from the UK, I feel my answer can apply here too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the Theory Test aspect of getting a UK driving licence, one of the potential questions is this exact scenario. The correct answer is to always &lt;em&gt;remain calm and continue driving &lt;strong&gt;safely&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. When on the roads you should never feel intimidated to drive faster, always drive at safe speeds. The driver behind you shouldn't even be feeling annoyed, driving when irritable or annoyed is something to avoid. In terms of safety if you yourself are behind a car, and he's right behind you, make sure to leave more of a gap between you and the car infront, so that if they slam on the breaks, you don't get crashed into by the 4x4.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that you are doing the best option there is (and the legally correct one) then you shouldn't be feeling as though you're being rude; you're simply driving along a road in a safe manner. If it helps, here's a definition of a speed limit (taken from the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gov.uk/speed-limits&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;UK government website&lt;/a&gt;, bolding mine):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The speed limit is the absolute maximum - &lt;strong&gt;it doesn’t mean it’s safe to drive at this speed in all conditions.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-22T08:21:30.533" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T08:21:30.533" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="662" CreationDate="2017-07-19T15:53:05.383" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Anxiety is similar to fears, you can't just wake up one morning, decide to &quot;not be afraid of it&quot; and carry on. Overcoming anxiety requires a fair bit of work, and approaching it in steps usually helps. These are just some steps I've thought of, but if you'd feel more comfortable doing other things that build up to your end goal, or want to do them in a different order that's what you should do, you know you best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask someone for help with a task that's impossible for one person&lt;/strong&gt; - For example if you're trying to lift something heave, or doing something that requires someone else to do something in order for the original task to be completed. You physically &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; their help, and you can't come across as weak seeing as they wouldn't be able to do it alone yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask someone you know for help&lt;/strong&gt; - Be it family, friends, or work colleges, asking them is often much better than asking a total stranger. If you tell them what you're doing/going through, they can often help make it better/easier for you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get someone else to ask for you&lt;/strong&gt; - If someone else asks, you don't have to worry about the awkwardness of asking, but then if you help alongside them, meaning that they are effectively helping you. Simply by judging their response (or lack of) to helping you, you'll realize that they don't mind helping you, so there's no need to be worried about asking. You can even ask yourself if you have a friend/family there with you to help reassure you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Go out and ask people for help&lt;/strong&gt; - Similar to with spiders, you can't decide &quot;I'm not afraid of them&quot; and just not be afraid of them. At some point you'll have to cross the barrier, like swimming for the fist time, and just jump in there. The more you do it, the more comfortable you'll feel doing it. Just keep doing it more and more.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's most important to remember is that most people really don't mind helping you, if they're too busy to help then odds are then they'll tell you why they can't. When I help people (or ask others for help), they often don't think of me as weak, and I'm sure with many other people that sort of thought is the last thing that may pop into their mind (and I'm sure they never do think of it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T15:53:05.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="258" CreationDate="2017-07-19T16:48:52.350" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Things like being in a life-threatening accident, getting a diagnosis of a severe disease, losing a pregnancy, being fired, or having a relationship end look like point instances, but they're not. They are more of a process than an event. Thus your reaction and support is not a single instant (I heard about X, that's a shame, hope you feel happier soon) but instead an ongoing activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might seem like a piece of bad news, but it's actually good news because it means you don't have to be perfect on your single interaction with the bad-news-learning person. You will have lots of chances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your instinct not to call was good. Getting 10 or 20 calls at once from people who &quot;just heard and want to see how you're doing&quot; can be exhausting. Texting, emailing, or something else asynchronous is a good choice. You want to emphasize that you care about them and want to help them. You can do the old &quot;if there's anything at all I can do, just ask&quot; - but when you're going through something like that it can be difficult to know what you need. You can certainly tell them that you would love to call, and ask when would be a good time. When I was very ill I asked people to send me &quot;UDP&quot; emails - full of news and information but with no expectation that I need to reply. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So especially when you're far away and can't just show up, keep contacting your friend. Ask &quot;how are you doing?&quot;. If you were given the details of the bad news at one point, you can ask if there has been any change, if someone's condition has improved, if the thrown-out spouse has found a place to live, how the job search is going, and so on. Always ask how your own personal friend is doing before asking how their parent/sister/spouse is doing. It can be very hard to constantly answer how [the sick/wounded/fired/dumped/arrested person] is and nobody ever ask after you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to send a card or flowers, make sure you get it right. &quot;Get Well Soon&quot; to someone with a stage IV cancer diagnosis who most likely will not get well is just painful. Flowers have all sorts of meanings most people have forgotten, but one I recall is that sending a potted plant instead of cut flowers symbolizes that your support will be longlasting not just transient. That said, I know a spouse of a cancer patient who was angered by potted plants because they added more things to his todo list that now he was supposed to keep plants watered and healthy on top of everything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that may be practical to suggest if this is going to be a long lasting event is to be an &quot;information captain&quot; - your friend can deliver updates to you, and you will spread them out to a larger group of mutual friends. Those people can ask questions of you, to reduce the drain on your friend's energy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T16:48:52.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="646" CreationDate="2017-07-19T17:07:31.487" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;So much depends on why you are asking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;are you worried about what you will do when they're gone?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;are you curious about a chain of promotions once their spot opens up?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;are you planning your own retirement and looking for ideas and options for what to do afterwards?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do you just think it would be a nice conversational topic with someone you feel friendly towards?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a huge difference between &quot;When will you retire?&quot; and &quot;What will you do when you retire?&quot;. Either one can be rude, but certainly the first is more likely to be a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your reasons for asking are both personal and positive, then you can surely ask. State your reason, then ask directly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I hear scuttlebutt that you might be nearing retirement age even though you don't look it. Is that true?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Man, if you ever retire my lunch breaks are going to be so boring! Tell me that won't be for years yet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I just got back from a week at the cottage. Some day I'm going to retire there and have the best summers of my life. [They may just say &quot;that sounds nice&quot; or they may tell you their plan. Don't push if they don't pick up the hint.]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Joe from Accounting is retiring eh? I never thought about it. Have you? [Don't do this if you're 30-40 years younger than retirement age.]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you want information from someone, my strategy is &quot;give before you take&quot; - give them a piece of information, and then ask something. It gives them context so they know why you're asking and don't feel nervous that they're going to be pressured into something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T17:07:31.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="627" CreationDate="2017-07-19T17:24:10.520" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two reasons a person would mention previous favours while asking you for one that you are not agreeing to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;they see these things as transactional: I have helped you x times, you have only helped me y times, you owe me. Pay up!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;they are showing you their opinion of the closeness of your relationship: it's one chock-full of favours and helping. They want you to behave in accordance with that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an argument, when someone mentions old favours, you could ask why they mention that, for example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you saying I owe you? I would normally do this for you, but I've explained I have to be somewhere else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know we are the kind of friends who help each other. I would normally do this for you, but I've explained I have to be somewhere else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not sure about the second one though, since you describe her as distant so any assertion of closeness on her part might not be a feeling you share. In that case, you could try&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would normally do this for you, but I've explained I have to be somewhere else. I have only one or two friends so close that I could cancel a doctor appointment to help them move [or whatever] so please don't be offended I won't do it for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me, I am not interested in &quot;friends&quot; who embroil me in an argument over whether or not I will do them a favour. A favour is freely given because you care for the person and want them to be happy. It's not an obligation or something to be argued over. But if I did find myself in one, listing the favours I have done in the past would not be likely to come up. I don't see much point to it. Upsetting the other person won't take away their need for whatever they are asking for, and can only hurt your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T17:24:10.520" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="672" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T17:36:24.663" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone is driving unsafely close to your vehicle the safest option for you is to &lt;strong&gt;slow down&lt;/strong&gt;. By driving so close to your vehicle that they are unable to brake in response to emergency actions you may be forced to take they place you, as well as themselves, in danger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be later opportunities for you to allow them to pass which you can use, but when someone is behaving rudely and dangerously by tailgating you, you should not feel any great obligation to help them out by inconveniencing yourself for their benefit and you are certainly under no obligation to endanger yourself and others to assist them in driving faster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="356" LastEditorUserId="356" LastEditDate="2017-07-20T08:54:36.893" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T08:54:36.893" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T17:45:12.293" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is most definitely NOT rude to drive the speed limit in the situation you've described. However, it's not really a question of rudeness or not, it's a question of the law. You are obeying the law, the other driver, by tailgating or creating an unsafe driving condition, is not. If they don't like the speed limit they can take that up with their political representatives. Additionally, to say that the other driver, by putting your life and the lives of others who are using the road, was behaving rudely would be a gross understatement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you may want to protect yourself and your passengers by letting them pass if it is safe to do so. If you can safely pull off the road you may want to consider doing that. Otherwise you should do all you can to drive at a speed that is within the legal limit and at which you feel safe driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="361" LastEditorUserId="361" LastEditDate="2017-07-23T00:58:03.417" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T00:58:03.417" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T17:52:38.507" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider it this way: driving on the road is an inherently selfish act. You are not helping anyone else by doing so, and as you mention you are causing other drivers some inconvenience by driving more slowly than they want to drive. When these drivers look at you, they will probably think &quot;This person should not be driving, doing so is an inconvenience to me and other people like me&quot; and by that logic, they will consider your actions rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there are a few more things to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can think the same thing about them. They are inconveniencing you by tailgating, they should not be driving if they are endangering other drivers. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For every human in the world save one, there is another human that will driver faster than that human on this road. You are perhaps at the low end of the spectrum, but everyone should have experienced a time when they were in your position. They should be able to empathize with your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the people who tailgate you might consider you to be rude, but because of these two points they will themselves be rude people incapable of empathy. You should use this information to judge whether or not your rudeness is worth worrying about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plus, consider the alternatives: it's rude to murder pedestrians, and it's rude to break someone's car. Compared to these, continuing to drive at a safe speed is the least of three evils. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="351" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T17:52:38.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="675" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T17:52:44.683" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is never rude to drive the speed limit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Despite how the tailgater may feel about it, the speed limit is an upper bound on the legal speed for the road.  While we all speed from time to time, we shouldn't complain about being forced to follow a law that's often ignored.  Tailgating itself is both rude and illegal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the driver's education and defensive driving courses I've taken, the recommended reaction to tailgaters is to &lt;strong&gt;slow down by easing off the gas&lt;/strong&gt; (but not hitting the brakes).  This does several things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It reduces the energy in the situation.  All else being equal, a collision at 15 mph is better than one at 25mph.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It encourages the tailgater to pass you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It gives you more time to react smoothly to conditions ahead.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will hate this.  They will get over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're right that hitting the brakes is risky, as the tailgater may fail to react (and hit you) or overreact (locking up their brakes or steering off the road).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speeding up is the worst thing you can do.  It puts you at a speed you're not comfortable with, raises the energy in the situation, and is unlikely to actually dislodge the tailgater.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="360" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T17:52:44.683" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="677" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="684" CreationDate="2017-07-19T18:29:39.023" Score="55" ViewCount="6920" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is something that I constantly run into. I don't talk much, especially in large groups, so there will often come a time when I want to leave, but don't know how to do so. I can think of two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Enter/interrupt the conversation to notify everyone that I am leaving. This seems rude and selfish, if I wasn't a contributing part of the conversation then why should I interrupt it to talk about myself, especially if it's just to say I will not be making any future contributions? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Simply walk away. This also seems rude, as it doesn't give people the chance to say goodbye, and/or complete any tasks that require my attendance. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I end up doing most of the time is a sort of &quot;I'm leaving now&quot; dance, where I look at my phone to see what time it is a few times, then make a fuss of gathering up my things, then back up a bit or start standing closer to the door, before simply walking out. This feels stupid, inefficient, and identical to option 2 if people don't notice me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify: the people in these 'groups' are usually individuals I would consider acquaintances more than friends. Like people I have been working with or taking a class with for a few months or so. Generally not people I hang out with outside of whatever event put me in the situation described above. The topic of conversation is informal, and I need nothing more from anyone, but am unsure if they would need anything from me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I take longsword classes. After the class is over, people stand around and talk, usually about longsword-related subjects. I stick around to listen, but sometimes I have other places to be, so I want to leave. During these conversations I have either said nothing or have not said anything for some time. None of these people are people I hang out with outside of the class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="351" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-08T11:21:11.547" LastActivityDate="2019-03-08T11:21:11.547" Title="How to leave when I'm not part of the conversation?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;groups&gt;&lt;saying-goodbye&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="678" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T18:45:21.697" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's certainly &lt;strong&gt;not rude to properly follow the law&lt;/strong&gt;. Even without the speed limit, if you don't feel safe driving particularly fast, &lt;strong&gt;always stick to whatever speed you feel safe with&lt;/strong&gt;! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, there are, of course, lower limits of what is a reasonable speed. On some roads those are even enforced by law, on others it's just common sense, e.g. to not drive in walking speed on a normal road under normal everyday circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in your case, you are totally doing the right thing, legally and morally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, &lt;strong&gt;if you feel generous and it is no issue for you, you can always decide to be extra nice&lt;/strong&gt; by assuming someone behind you has good reasons for being in a hurry and &lt;strong&gt;let them pass when there is a good opportunity by briefly pulling over&lt;/strong&gt;. The closer you are to the speed limit the more this is a total courtesy - the slower (and further away from the limit) you are, the more it is something one might expect from you or law might even require. For instance, in some European countries it is expected that slow trucks/tractors on a single lane road pull over once in a while to let faster traffic pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastEditorUserId="369" LastEditDate="2017-07-19T19:02:27.127" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T19:02:27.127" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T19:04:43.917" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think on a slow, windy, two lane road, your approach is acceptable.  It would be a courtesy to pull off if there is a large pull off spot (and you can turn on your blinker well in advance to let the person behind you know you are doing so to avoid a read end collision), but it is not necessarily required.  Your safety is the most important thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, if you are on road with multiple lanes traveling in the same direction, continuous driving in the left lane (speed limit or not) is not acceptable.  The left lane is for passing and in various states you can even get pulled over for driving in the left lane when you aren't passing somebody.  Also, it is in fact somewhat rude and you are likely to annoy people.  Furthermore, &quot;Slower Traffic Keep Right&quot; is a street sign you will see on many roads that have multiple lanes travelling in the same direction, so stay to the right if you want to travel at a slower pace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="371" LastEditorUserId="371" LastEditDate="2017-07-20T19:16:09.743" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T19:16:09.743" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="680" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="700" CreationDate="2017-07-19T19:24:57.640" Score="12" ViewCount="850" Body="&lt;p&gt;My daughter and I have been listening to an exciting audiobook while driving (&lt;em&gt;How to Train Your Dragon&lt;/em&gt;). I had to take my car in for repairs, so I plan to pick her up from camp via Lyft (a competitor to Uber). I know my daughter will want to listen to the story. Would it be impolite of me to ask the Lyft driver if we can play it quietly in the back seat on my device? The ride would be about 15 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it sounded like a few drivers might not like it or feel that they couldn't say no, I just read quietly to my daughter instead. She was happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="290" LastEditorUserId="290" LastEditDate="2017-07-20T18:25:41.633" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T16:06:15.117" Title="Is it rude to ask a Lyft driver if I can play an audiobook?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;cars&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-10-24T20:46:40.033" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="681" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T19:35:57.330" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, it is rude, and the law has nothing to do with it. It's simply a matter of the OP's refusal to make &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; effort to be accommodating to others whom they are annoying. The law, and anyone's obedience to it or lack thereof, is irrelevant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They asked about &lt;strong&gt;manners&lt;/strong&gt;, not legality, and deliberately ignoring someone else's distress when you're aware of it, whether you think it's reasonable for them to be distressed by your behavior or not, is rude. Period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is &lt;strong&gt;also&lt;/strong&gt; bad manners to post a question in such slanted terms that those answering it are strongly influenced towards one answer, as this poster did. That's not intellectual inquiry, it's asking for emotional support. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="379" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T19:35:57.330" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="682" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="249" CreationDate="2017-07-19T20:26:24.680" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I find it rude for people to try to convert me, regardless of my (non-) religious affiliation. But if you want to be polite, a &quot;no, thank you, I'm not interested&quot; should suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continue past that, &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are being rude. Feel free to close the door on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Debating them does not work unless you're a really good debater — they're trained. So do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; engage them, but keep telling them you're not interested. Should they refuse to leave, they would be trespassing. Don't be afraid to call the police on them if they do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T20:26:24.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="683" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="692" CreationDate="2017-07-19T21:02:17.570" Score="14" ViewCount="9859" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is my personal experience in India that someone who is shy or reserved is often perceived as arrogant/ cold/ selfish, though that may be a very inaccurate assessment. It has happened to me because I am somewhat reserved by nature, but unfortunately I have instinctively developed this same misconception at least twice myself when somebody was reserved with me. Later I realised that I had no reason at all to interpret their reserve as arrogance. My friends who live abroad say that this is a common perception in many cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;What is the basis of perceiving a shy or reserved person as cold or arrogant?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, how can such an impression be mitigated without putting on an act or actually changing one's personality, which is not at all natural and also very difficult?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T06:18:15.493" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T06:00:16.403" Title="Why is a shy or reserved person often perceived as cold or arrogant; also, how can such an impression be mitigated?" Tags="&lt;shyness&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="684" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="677" CreationDate="2017-07-19T21:35:11.173" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know that situation pretty well. While I'm not particularly introverted, I do tend to keep my mouth shut when I have nothing in particular to say in a situation (especially after sports, as in your example, when I'm tired anyways). When in a company of very outgoing folks, this can lead to exactly your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I do, and what works without fail is to address the general space and holler a quick &quot;alright, bye everyone&quot; (or whatever works in your language). The talkers will notice that, might throw a quick &quot;bye&quot; right back at me, and continue their discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By addressing everybody and nobody in particular, your voice &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; heard by everybody, but you are not &quot;semantically&quot; interrupting anybody. If they are really into their discussion, they can chose to ignore it like any other noise. Their ears can filter it out anyway and can hopefully process it as parallel information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this does not seem to be a good idea at a particular moment, another trick is to &lt;em&gt;look at a non-talker&lt;/em&gt; while delivering your &quot;byebye&quot; to everyone - look at one who is near the center of things, but who is not talking. Then you are not interrupting the actual talking, but are still addressing &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the last, I would err on the side of simply leaving. Don't sneak out, but try to look some of them in the eye and give them a nod or something like that. Whatever comes natural to you. Or give them a little exaggerated wave (without saying anything) with a smile, which should send the message that you are going but do not want to interrupt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T21:35:11.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="685" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="269" CreationDate="2017-07-19T21:58:52.357" Score="74" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my roommates, when I was younger, worked in a call center... Believe it or not, the people calling you hate doing it more than you hate being called. He didn't last long working there, but came home pretty beaten down at the end of the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what he said, the very best thing to do is to simply not answer the phone. The auto dialer just moves to the next number and he didn't have to do anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next best option is to hang up immediately, don't bother to let them go through the spiel and tell them you're not interested, they just have to move to a secondary script and try to draw you in. They don't do it out of spite, they do it because the calls are often monitored ​for quality control. If you just hang up, the auto dialer moves to the next number and the person at the call center couldn't really care less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to keep in mind that the people working at these call centers usually don't make much money, they're likely young kids just trying to make their rent. Don't give them a hard time just because they landed in a terrible job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T21:58:52.357" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="258" CreationDate="2017-07-19T22:00:42.620" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This answer is for people like you or me who don't really do this kind of thing intuitively very well and are more &quot;solution-oriented&quot; as you call it...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should one enquire and be 'emotionally supportive' in this kind of situation ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are talking on the phone or face-to-face, I would try to keep &lt;em&gt;your side&lt;/em&gt; of the conversation short. It is not about the actual words, but about your sincerety. For example, when you are in the same office room and they tell you that their parent just died three days ago, there is very little you can really say. Obviously they are getting along, or they would not be here. No, you can't do much to help, in practical terms, anyways. But you can give them a very short and heartfelt condolence, with some body language (i.e., turning towards them, giving them your fullest attention, making a deliberate pause after whatever you said to give them a way to say something, and so on).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, I try to not start to tell similar stories (i.e., no &quot;oh, I remember how it was when my parent died 2 years ago&quot;), and really skip factual stuff. If you know them well, then a &quot;how are you holding together&quot; maybe, but that would be about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they start talking, then of course give them as much space as they need. If they shut down, then don't try to force them to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm looking for the medium (phone call, SMS, IRL), &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd pick SMS/mail/messenger or IRL depending on whether IRL is possible; phone call last. Unless they are very close (close friend/family), then phone call instead of SMS etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what to say (point out the positive aspects, ask the person how she feels, etc.), &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd skip pointing out positive aspects. Unless you really know what you are doing, such things might drive someone who is borderline overwhelmed over the brink as much as help them. Asking them how they feel... well... I'd skip that as well, it would feel hollow to me (&quot;my parent just died, how do you think I feel?&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the situation is still &quot;hot&quot;, tell them some kind of condolence, and if they don't particularly respond, leave it at that. What that is depends a lot on your relationship... between close friends, a &quot;dang, that sucks&quot; might be appropriate; not so much between coworkers etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and when to say it (right when I know it, a few hours after, days). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have SMS/mail/messenger, then right away. They will read/respond when they're ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to call them or walk up to them, then maybe rather give it a day. Obviously, if you suspect that they actually need practical help, then don't hesitate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure to follow-up after a few more days, a week, 2 weeks; just a small check. And try to find out from their reactions if they need more than they let on. If so, then don't bother asking them if they need help, but offer help instead. Not &quot;let me know if I can do anything&quot; but &quot;if you like, I'll hop into the car right now and come over&quot;, if that makes sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not so much what you say, but that you are present (be it real or virtual).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T22:00:42.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="680" CreationDate="2017-07-19T22:06:32.940" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I spent a few weeks driving for one of these ride sharing companies and it seems that the main goal is for the customer to get where they want and to be as comfortable as possible while travelling there. I never went over the top with bottles of water/candy/gum but I was happy to let them pick the music they liked or to charge their phones if they needed it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see why this would be considered rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're concerned that you need to be chatting with the driver, I don't see that as a necessity. You are with someone else already, so the expectation would be that you're going to chat with your co-traveller. Even solo-travellers are often absorbed in their phones/computers and don't talk much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're concerned that the noise may bother them - it is unlikely to be more noisy than music or talk radio or general talking volume, so I don't think this is an issue, either... particularly as you say &quot;play it quietly in the back seat&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask first and they agree, I say go for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T22:06:32.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T22:26:23.007" Score="5" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it is rude to drive safely.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Other answers have suggested that it is never rude to drive at the posted speed limit. That may be true in some (possibly mythical) place where the speed limit is actually set in accordance with the Institute of Traffic Engineers guidelines -- at the 85th percentile of measured speed. See &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.michigan.gov/documents/Establishing_Realistic_Speedlimits_85625_7.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.michigan.gov/documents/Establishing_Realistic_Speedlimits_85625_7.pdf&lt;/a&gt; as an example. Unfortunately, many places set speed limits based on some arbitrary rule (25MPH on all residential streets, for example) or on complaints by residents that people are driving &quot;too fast&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, the posted speed limit may be &quot;too slow&quot; (below the 85th percentile) and thereby actually cause more accidents or more severe accidents (the damage done to people and property is proportional (roughly) to the 4th power of the &lt;em&gt;difference&lt;/em&gt; in speed between the two objects that collide. (See the equation for &quot;elastic collistion&quot; in Wikipedia and plug in some actual numbers.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what's the polite thing to do? If there's more than one driving lane, move to the right until your speed matches that of other vehicles in that lane, or into the rightmost driving lane if you are going slower than everybody else. If there's only one driving lane, drive at the speed you consider safe, but pull over &lt;em&gt;when it is safe&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, having a tailgater can make pulling over risky -- will he be able to stop in time when you're about to? If you know about the turnout in advance, signal, then gradually slow down as you approach it so that you're going slow enough to pull over when you get there. If you come on one suddenly and the vehicle behind is too close to stop safely, just go on past and wait for another opportunity. After all, it's his fault that he's too close.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="376" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T22:26:23.007" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="689" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-19T22:40:32.797" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's never unsafe to pull over (where there's space), and any speed demon would sigh in relief at the sign of a right turn signal (or left if you're in one of those wrong-side countries ; ) with slowing down to pull off. If someone else wants to go much faster than you, please pull off for them. Its much safer for them and for you, and in lots of places its actually the law. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as social harmony is concerned, intentionally going slower is the worst option. It makes you the Ahole. Refusing to pull over also doesn't score you any social points. So if you take longer than something like 4 or 5 minutes to recognize you're blocking traffic and pull over, you're either being unaware of yourself (which isn't good in any situation, social or not) or you're simply being rude. That said, you shouldn't feel forced to go faster than you're comfortable with. But its not acceptable to have a drivers license and yet still feel unconfortable pulling over for someone. They won't hit you if they want to get where they're going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="399" LastEditorUserId="399" LastEditDate="2017-07-20T18:58:11.023" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T18:58:11.023" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="193" CreationDate="2017-07-19T22:58:45.193" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even on a purely literal level, &quot;No problem&quot; doesn't mean that no problem has occurred. Unless there's good reason to assume otherwise, people will assume you're referring to the present situation (as opposed to one second ago, or whenever it was that the other person did what they're apologising for).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're saying when you say &quot;No problem&quot;, then, is that there is now no problem. They've accepted they did something to inconvenience you, and have apologised. At least within the scope of the verbal exchange (which covers, I think, only the relationship between the two of you as people, rather than necessarily the consequences of their mistake or wrongdoing beyond that) the problem that was there before is no longer a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally prefer to say &quot;No worries&quot;, in these situations, because I think it's a less ambiguous version of the same. You're telling them you recognise that mistakes happen, and you don't want them to worry about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this all assumes you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; want them to worry about it, but I'm taking it for granted here that you wouldn't be asking this if you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, though this might depend quite a lot on the person's culture and/or personality, I would personally advise against &quot;Apology accepted&quot;. I think the explicit mention of the apology places too much emphasis on it, and could be construed as an attempt to emphasise that you feel they &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to apologise. Of course, you may feel that way, and may not mind them knowing it, but it's probably worth bearing in mind that people &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; see it that way, whereas I don't think you have any such danger with &quot;No problem&quot; or &quot;No worries&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="401" LastEditorUserId="401" LastEditDate="2017-07-19T23:04:33.117" LastActivityDate="2017-07-19T23:04:33.117" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-20T00:00:03.357" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It certainly isn't rude in the context you provided. Tailgating on the other hand is both rude and dangerous, but that ground has already been heavily covered by other answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just wanted to point out a related experiment from Atlanta in 2007:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/1588989/posts&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/1588989/posts&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/1B-Ox0ZmVIU&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://youtu.be/1B-Ox0ZmVIU&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically a group of college students took 4 cars and lined them up across all four lanes of Atlanta's infamous​ I-285 and drove at the posted speed limit of 55mph for 30 minutes. The result was gridlock and bedlam. The students filmed it and won a prize for best comedic short and made a rather pointed statement about &lt;em&gt;civil obedience&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address the broader speed limit issue...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad was a firefighter for a lot of years. His theory on the speed limit was that it's generally posted well below the speed that authorities expect people to actually drive at. More or less they post 25 in order to hopefully keep people under 40, 70 to keep people under 90. They know that people will habitually drive 5-10 over the limit, under normal circumstances, and much faster when they're in a hurry, so they account for that... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It isn't rude to obey the rules, but when possible try to cut other drivers a break and let them pass. It's​ more about making a safer, lower stress drive for everyone than about the actual rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T00:00:03.357" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="683" CreationDate="2017-07-20T00:17:52.510" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you do something that people don't expect, they usually feel the need to make up a reason for it. There are two possible reasons for being reserved in a particular situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the person is shy, or feels inferior and nervous with the people they are with right now &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the person is cold, and feels the people they are with right now are inferior and not worthy of their time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you might expect that people would naturally choose the first one, since most people are nice, and a nice person can be reserved if they're shy. But many people themselves feel a little nervous and a little inferior, and so clutch on to the second explanation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you can do is assume that reserved people are not snobs and do not think you're unworthy. Be nice to them and accept that they aren't talking much or that they don't want a long conversation. You may find, if you meet them regularly, that they become comfortable with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine yourself feeling reserved and nervous about talking to someone who is also feeling that way. If you interpret their reserve as &quot;that person thinks I am inferior&quot; you will probably become &lt;strong&gt;more&lt;/strong&gt; reserved and less likely to talk to them. You can see how this will spiral, there will be no conversation, and you'll both leave feeling bad. But if you try a little harder to talk, imagining they need reassurance, you may find yourself in a pleasant conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are talking to a loud blustery confident person, and you worry they will interpret your quietness as aloofness or arrogance, you can try saying some self-deprecating things. For example, admire something in your environment. Consider &quot;That was such an inspiring speech! I wish I had the confidence to speak like that.&quot; or &quot;I really enjoyed the dinner. I'm impressed by the cooking, and by whoever chose the menu.&quot; (Substitute music, décor, or any other thing that's happening around you.) This serves two purposes: it demonstrates clearly that you're not an arrogant snob, and it provides a topic of conversation that you're ok with. Your super-confident extrovert companion may continue to expound on their holiday plans, why their political candidate is the best, or what should be done about [climate change, immigration, interest rates, etc] but there's a chance they'll move on to something you're less nervous discussing. And even if they don't move on, they're less likely to see you as aloof or cold. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also try asking them softball questions. After a long speech about holiday plans or something else you don't feel comfortable talking about in turn, try asking a followup question. &quot;Do you go there a lot?&quot; &quot;Is it crowded?&quot; &quot;How long does it take to get there?&quot; &quot;When did you start going there?&quot; These don't have to be brilliant questions - they show that you are at least superficially interested in the conversation, while handing the turn back to the other person. This does require you to listen to the person, and pay attention, but I find most reserved people are quite happy to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T00:17:52.510" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-20T00:33:43.283" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is rude to drive anything other than the safe speed, taking into account the road conditions, weather, your familiarity with the road, and the behaviour of other road users.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is tailgating you, that is an unsafe driving condition. You should react to this by slowing down further. This will mean that the person tailgating you has more time to react if you need to stop suddenly, reducing the chances of them killing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="405" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T00:33:43.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="697" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="730" CreationDate="2017-07-20T02:33:00.453" Score="11" ViewCount="3740" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few days ago, in a Zoology class, one of my classmates was caught reading the Zoology textbook when the teacher was explaining. Although he wasn't reading anything that he wasn't supposed to, the teacher got mad at him for not paying attention and asked him to leave the class. He openly declined to leave the class, saying he wasn't wrong to have read the relevant textbook. The teacher then picked up his books and calmly walked out of the class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some students (not including the boy in concern) went and apologised on behalf of our friend, but the teacher was unhappy and sent our principal to ask the boy to leave the class, saying that either he stays, or our teacher stays. The boy in concern (let's just call him Jon) still declined, saying that he was not in the wrong for just having read the textbook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result of the stubbornness of Jon, we all missed our Zoology class, for which we all messed up on our exam, held one day after the incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Was it right for Jon to have done this? What should we have told him, to perhaps convince him to apologise to the teacher? Please let me know so that a repeat of this situation can be prevented further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am from India, and this incident did take place in India.&#xA;The class in concern was an 11th-grade class, with ages ranging from 15 to 17, and the class strength was around 20-25 students. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to traditional Hindu culture, the teacher is to be given utmost importance and is to be respected even more than God, as it is he/she who helps us realise God in the first place. However, this was an old tradition, at a time when teachers were among the most skilful people in the country. Now, the situation is different. The highly skilled personnel now work at places like Google, or Apple, and people from among the remaining become teachers. I want to clarify that I'm not commenting on my teacher's ability here, but just speaking about teachers in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:23:03.627" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T07:51:13.837" Title="How should a person be told to apologise when he thinks he isn't wrong?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-20T03:17:57.620" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In answer to the original question of whether it's rude to go the speed limit when someone behind you wants to go faster: It depends. If you're going slower than you need to in order to hold someone up, then yes that is rude. If you are going as fast as you feel is acceptably safe for the combination of road, driver, and vehicle, then no it isn't rude. I've been on both sides of this question, since I generally like to drive fast, but I've been the owner of some very slow vehicles that would not physically do the speed limit in certain circumstances. I think it's certainly nice to give someone a passing opportunity when and where you feel safe doing so, but it isn't generally a requirement. I say generally because there are a few legal situations requiring slow vehicles to use turnouts (where provided), or to vacate the left lane (where applicable). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I would venture to guess that it would be possible to go a lot, lot, lot faster than the speed limit on the road described, provided the vehicle and the driver's skill level are up to it. I recommend to everyone who hasn't done it to get some track time in order to develop their skills. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="413" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T03:17:57.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="700" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="680" CreationDate="2017-07-20T04:49:31.500" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no implication or social expectation of interpersonal interaction with an uber/lyft/ driver any more than you would be expected to interact with a taxi driver, limo driver, shuttle driver, security guard/escort, bartender, etc. The typical pleasantries should suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet any uber/gig economy worker is a normal person with a wide variety of expectations of what is okay and what is not. There are entire websites were lyft and uber drivers will publicly state that they will down vote, I mean rate a passenger lower for not talking or ignoring them. There are also drivers who rate passengers lower for talking to them. There is no winning here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best you can expect is that it's normally not impolite to ask permission, even when you are essentially holding them hostage to social convention. They would be seen as rude for saying no or they may think you'll rate them lower for saying no (Any rating under 100% positive hurts them). They basically cannot say no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So tip. A decent tip will make any minor issue go away, and considering the real economics of uber rides, it would go a long way for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="410" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T04:49:31.500" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="596" CreationDate="2017-07-20T05:22:04.207" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Skip the side or order a smaller main dish (or a second side dish as your entree). Save room for dessert and avoid the whole issue of being too full for it in the first place. Thus making it so you never make them feel awkward for eating alone. Bonus, you get to enjoy dessert.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you could step out for some fresh air or a smoke. You could excuse yourself to the powder room. This would only work a few times before it may be questioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short of a medical condition though, someone with an irrational awkward feeling of having dessert when another is not, will not easily change their mind. A lie like gluten allergies now would make it likely you get caught in the future. You could say you are on a diet, but that can lead to more awkwardness as it may trigger self-confidence issues in them. A fake call may result in awkward questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, you cannot effectively say no if you are concerned about their irrational feelings, real or imagined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="410" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T05:22:04.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="703" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="707" CreationDate="2017-07-20T07:30:41.237" Score="28" ViewCount="11637" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Australia when I want to turn around in a street I sometimes use the driveway of private houses to turn in and then then back out again and go the reverse direction on  the road. When I go in I don't go past the first 5m of the driveway where the foot path is or the part of the driveway between the mailbox and the road. My UK non driver passenger considers this rude. For Australian resident, is this true? (And also for UK Residents).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The car in the picture is my car and is the limit of the driveway used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/ppwqe.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/ppwqe.png&quot; alt=&quot;Rough sketch of driveway&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="422" LastEditorUserId="422" LastEditDate="2020-05-20T22:24:47.590" LastActivityDate="2021-02-25T02:40:37.497" Title="Is it rude to use a driveway to turn around in the road?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;cars&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2021-02-25T07:32:51.947" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-20T08:19:02.783" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think it's rude, although the driver behind you might think otherwise. You are obeying the law, and the person behind you is not respecting that and risking yours and his/her lives; that's the one being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is get out of his way anyway, one way or another. Let the idiot kill someone else!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="426" LastEditorUserId="426" LastEditDate="2017-07-20T11:53:43.243" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T11:53:43.243" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="703" CreationDate="2017-07-20T10:18:25.113" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what you describe, put more abstractly is this: &quot;Is is rude to drive a short stretch onto a private property to make a u-turn?&quot; [or more precisely, a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-point_turn&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;three-point turn&lt;/a&gt;]. I don't know the geometry of Australian driveways, but if there is 5m of room to drive into, then I can't imagine how this could be public land, the owners of the house surely also had to buy the driveway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me (Switzerland) this sounds reasonable, but I'm also sure that some people would object to this. And those people who do find it rude probably have the law backing them up in most parts of the world because you are technically trespassing on their property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But just because someone might find it rude is not enough of a reason not to do it, you should just make sure you don't do it unnecessarily and that you don't damage anything - for example if you drive a heavy vehicle and the driveway is not paved, think twice about it because you could churn it up. Even if it's paved, it possible there are weight restrictions (mainly if there is something underground beneath the driveway) which wouldn't need to be publicly posted because after all it's a private property (although the reason I thought of this is because I have seen such warning signs).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="436" LastEditorUserId="1847" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T23:28:35.823" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T23:28:35.823" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="703" CreationDate="2017-07-20T10:44:49.470" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seeing as you're not actually entering the driveway, and just using the pavement, it isn't &quot;weird&quot; in the sense that doing that is weird. It's not the home owners property anyways, I think the issue your friend is having is that you're not turning in the road correctly (and most importantly you are doing it illegally, and in such a way that would most definitely fail your driving test in the UK)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of how either of you perceive it though, it's still an illegal maneuver. In the UK, you may only mount a footpath &lt;em&gt;to gain &lt;strong&gt;lawful&lt;/strong&gt; access to a property&lt;/em&gt;. Seeing as you are not technically &quot;accessing&quot; the property (you are just using it to turn around) it makes it illegal. Even more, this is not how to do a U-turn. The correct way to turn around would be to do a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.drivingtesttips.biz/turn-in-the-road.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Turn in the Road&lt;/a&gt;, (used to be called a 3-point turn). This is something you should know how to do, as it's something you should know how to do in preparation for a driving test in the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.highwaycodeuk.co.uk/general-rules-techniques-and-advice-for-all-drivers-and-riders-general-advice.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Source for the mounting on a footpath&lt;/a&gt; - Or Highway Code Rule #145, RTA 1998 section 34 or HA Laws 1835 section 72)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(small disclaimer, I believe you may be describing just mounting the footpath, and not actually entering the property or driveway, either way, this answer still applies as just mounting the footpath is still illegal)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T16:11:34.227" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T16:11:34.227" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="710" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-20T10:51:42.690" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Indian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T15:51:25.247" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T15:51:25.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="711" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-20T10:51:42.690" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in India, or Indian culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:08:57.023" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:08:57.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="712" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="703" CreationDate="2017-07-20T10:52:57.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are answers that it's illegal in the UK. If it's illegal, well, that's it, there is no point in discussing whether an illegal action is rude or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there are other countries in the world. If in your country it is legal to do so (in my country it is totally OK as long as you don't actually enter private property, and private property usually starts in about 5m from the road).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say that if the action is legal, it would be OK, unless you spoil their driveway (e.g. it is rainy and you have mud tires and you know your tires will dig into wet ground thus spoiling the driveway)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="155" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T16:10:51.567" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T16:10:51.567" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="697" CreationDate="2017-07-20T14:08:39.550" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you ask someone who thought he's not wrong, you should &lt;strong&gt;focus on how this benefit himself&lt;/strong&gt; or someone else. You might even try for a bribe, if you are truly desperate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the &lt;strong&gt;maturity&lt;/strong&gt; (&lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; always age) of the person, he might reject the request even if he see the merit of apologizing, then you can change the request to a &lt;strong&gt;plea&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please do this for me. I can't afford to fail this class!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it does not work, then you might want to try &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;threat&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; as your last resort. It's not nice, but sometimes it works even for the most stubborn ones - especially if they haven't thought the long term consequence of being stubborn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you don't apologize to her now, she might give a F for your zoology class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T14:08:39.550" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="697" CreationDate="2017-07-20T14:52:08.143" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this is key: Jon does not need to say &quot;I was wrong, I am sorry for doing a wrong thing.&quot; Jon can say &quot;I regret that I upset you when my choice made it appear I wasn't paying attention while you talked. I am sorry for appearing disrespectful in your classroom.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jon might also want to consider whether reading an allowed thing is in fact always polite, or if listening while others are talking is actually more polite. That is, though the teacher over-reacted, Jon isn't really in the &quot;did nothing wrong&quot; situation he thinks he is. But in the heat of the angry moment, providing him with words other than &quot;I was wrong&quot; will be helpful to everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-07-21T20:21:15.570" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T20:21:15.570" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="662" CreationDate="2017-07-20T16:00:40.407" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Overcoming anxiety can be a long process requiring a great deal of introspection. This introspection is generally more effective when led by a trained therapist (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in particular for anxiety).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, overcoming anxiety in specific situations can be done. &#xA;We must learn to :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;recognise situations that make us anxious (as you have done in your question)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Learn tools to relax ourselves so that we can sufficiently distance ourselves from the anxiety to challenge our fears.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Challenge our fears, even if it is in our imagination that we challenge them. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have already identified situations that you find anxiety provoking. So, once you recognise those occasions you can use techniques such recognising that your breathing has become shallow and slowing it down, taking deeper breaths, relaxing your shoulders, changing your posture. There are many such techniques that can be found online (if i find some good ones I'll edit and link here)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once relaxed we can challenge our thoughts. When anxious situations can become distorted in our heads. For example someone anxious about germs may believe they will die from shaking someone's hand. This is an obvious distortion of what is likely to happen. So we recognise and challenge these beliefs. This can be done by looking at evidence for your anxious thoughts, and testing out the reality of negative predictions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does not only have to be done mentally, as this is a long process. It is possible to challenge these thoughts by conducting experiments. Observing others doing the same behaviour and seeing the evidence that nothing bad happens to them, before testing assumptions ourselves. We must weigh the pros and cons of avoiding the thing we fear and determine the &lt;strong&gt;realistic&lt;/strong&gt; chances that what we're anxious about will actually happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there we replace these negative unrealistic thoughts with more relalistic ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So. skipping the process:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Negative thought: People will judge me and think I am foolish &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a distortion of being blown out of propotion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realistic replacement: People are more likely to understand and look for ways to be helpful as people like to be helpful. (evidence - the existence of stack overflow :P)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obviously difficult because you are replacing patterns of thought you have built up over your lifetime. However, if you can learn to recognise the triggers that create anxious moments and calm yourself then you can practice challenging them every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am not a therapist&lt;/strong&gt; This is best done with a therapist. I am aware there are many CBT self help courses online and a great amount of online documentation in this area. I cannot vouch for any of them. I get all my information second hand from my Significant Other who is a trained therapist. (giving you this information so you can evaluate this as a source information. I may get my SO to edit it for me)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T16:00:40.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="718" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="720" CreationDate="2017-07-20T17:24:35.537" Score="31" ViewCount="24365" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a habit of taking a very long time to reply to emails and messages. Since some of these are from friends with whom this is my main form of contact (i.e. unless it is organised via messages and/or emails, I will never see or speak to these people), it's important to me that I keep these channels of contact open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a while, I will realise that it's taken me too long to reply, and I should put it right, but I then find myself having to explain why I took so long to reply. Since the reasons for my terrible response times are usually a bit stupid, difficult to relate, and could potentially offend people (e.g. &quot;I got super obsessed with a writing project for a couple of months, and I kept not getting around to it&quot;), I usually end up delaying the reply even further until I've &quot;thought of a good way to explain&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I never (or very rarely) do think of a good way to explain, the delay just increases, until it seems to me that &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; explanation of how long I took to respond can possibly be adequate and that I have probably &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; offended - and almost certainly been disrespectful to - the original message sender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do at this point to reopen communication, and reassure them that I didn't mean them any disrespect?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;To clarify, I'm talking about communication with friends, here. Usually these are friends that I'm not close enough with to see very regularly, but close enough with that I want to keep in contact and occasionally spend time with them.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="401" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:03:23.140" LastActivityDate="2020-11-03T09:57:18.393" Title="How to reply to a message or email after a long delay?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="719" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="718" CreationDate="2017-07-20T18:03:12.453" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Over the years I've found that it's usually unnecessary to explain a delay in situations like this.  More over, that offering an explanation draws attention to the delay and away from the actual message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might consider, where appropriate, mentioning whatever you've been working on or otherwise involved in lately without offering it as an excuse for your delayed response.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T18:03:12.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="718" CreationDate="2017-07-20T18:32:15.297" Score="18" Body="&lt;h3&gt;An explanation for the delay is often unnecessary&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I second what LMGagne said, an explanation is unnecessary (unless they specifically ask for one), and will only cause more attention to be drawn to the delay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine the other way around, imagine it's you waiting for them to respond, and ask yourself; what would you prefer - them responding to your actual message or giving you excuses for the delay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd prefer to hear the actual response to my message even though it's delayed, and I'll simply assume that they had something more important to pay attention to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that this is only about responding to friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a professional setting, delayed responses from you may leave a bad mark and affect your job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T14:21:45.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="127" CreationDate="2017-07-20T18:35:38.590" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tend to operate on the assumption that &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; is interesting if addressed from the right angle. I also have a few friends (and more than a few acquaintances) who aren't so good at the meeting-someone-halfway aspect of conversation, so I've had a bit of practice putting this philosophy into action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This usually involves doing two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If anything they mention in relation to the subject is interesting, exciting or even just new to me, I'll try to communicate this to them. &amp;quot;Oh, so that's how they play sky-chess! To be honest with you, I always thought it was just like sea-chess, but where the lions are all on stilts&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll never pretend that sky-chess is &lt;em&gt;in itself&lt;/em&gt; of interest to me, but little concessions like this are a way to signal that I've understood it's important to them, and I'm therefore willing to discuss it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When appropriate (i.e. when they aren't clearly invested in telling me something), I ask questions about the subject. As I said before, I think all subjects are interesting on some level, so I try to find that level as quickly as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking &lt;em&gt;the most interesting question you can think of that relates to it&lt;/em&gt; will usually encourage the other person to speak about this more interesting (to you) aspect of it. This can obviously be repeated (once they're done answering your question), allowing some aspect of the subject to get ever more interesting to you, while still allowing the other person to discuss the thing they want to discuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, of course, what I've described is a compromise. The other person probably doesn't - in an ideal world - want to discuss the subject from the same perspective that your questions are aimed from, and you probably - in an ideal world - would rather not be discussing the subject at all, from any perspective. In the absence of known common ground, though, or as a courtesy to a friend before I encourage them towards a different (more mutually appreciated) subject, this is the approach I've found works best for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="401" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T20:11:46.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="127" CreationDate="2017-07-20T19:37:36.163" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Friend circles usually form around shared interests, and a person can have quite a few different circles that they belong to, say, if you play football, you'll make some football friends, and you cannot expect them all to be your movie friends as well, although there can be some overlap between your circles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to converse about a topic you don't like or know about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For one, you don't have to, however since casual conversations can always stray off topic, if you really want to converse, you must find the right moment, and chime in to let the subject subtly change, unbeknownst to them, but it takes practice to make it work well, and until then silence may be your best shot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should I handle myself in these situations - and how can I prevent future situations like these?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep cool, and don't blurt out opinions about those hated subjects in front of them, and if you really want to engage, do some research before joining your friends, for example, if it's about ongoing World Cup football matches, join your friends after a quick googling into what's what and who's who of the recently played and upcoming matches, and make sure you don't talk too much because then you'll quickly run out of things to say, and they'll realize that you're really not into this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T19:37:36.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="703" CreationDate="2017-07-20T22:02:57.477" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This can be considered trespassing. In the US, many states even have a law where using private property without permission to bypass a traffic control device, i.e. cutting through a corner business lot to get around a no turn on red sign, it's a separate offense. Here, you may be using the driveway because a normal U turn is illegal, so a cop may fine you. Then again, the New York DMV officially suggests using a driveway to turn around if needed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Let's be clear though, regardless of the legality of it, it is rude, but it is also a very minimal issue.&lt;/strong&gt; Somethings legal status does not reflect on the social expectations of it. Just keep it short and don't have your headlights on full or high beams on and it really won't be an issue to most people. Or just don't do it. Unless you are on a very narrow street that goes for miles without a turn around or cross street, there is no reason to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="410" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T16:09:55.620" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T16:09:55.620" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="662" CreationDate="2017-07-20T23:42:24.097" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This doesn't cover your whole question, but for technical issues, I like the 15 minute rule. I forget where I read it, but the gist is: if you take &amp;lt;15 minutes, you haven't really researched, but if you take &gt;15 minutes, and you're on a team, you might be hurting the team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setting a time limit for searching for an answer before outright asking has helped me a lot. It helps take emotion out of the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, be confident you can follow up with &quot;How can I look at things in the future to see the answer and not have to ask?&quot; So you're not just asking how to do something, but you are showing you want to do better and more next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="185" LastActivityDate="2017-07-20T23:42:24.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="641" CreationDate="2017-07-21T01:29:12.110" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;There isn't any reason you should be hesitant to ask about the service animal as long as you keep a few things in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;While they are pets, when they are working, they are an extension of the person. Do not pet them, do not speak to them, do not feed them, do not distract them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;There is no majority consensus on if you should avoid asking to pet them or anything, but asking is always preferred over anything else. See 1.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You should not refrain from treating the person any differently than you would another person without vision impairment. They are not invalids, they are not less than normal people. To use a slightly cringeworthy phrase, they are just differently able.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To that effect, you can ask the same type of questions about the service animal as you would any other, as long as you observe section 1 above. And you should not avoid using normal language around blind people. There is a difference between using common phrases or expressions and intentional rudeness. Avoid these plain speech words would mean you are treating the blind as fragile incapable things, or &quot;othering&quot; them. You would intentionally be excluding them from normal human interaction because of their disability. In essence, by avoiding normal speech you are doing exactly what you are trying to avoid, bring attention to their blindness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="410" LastEditorUserId="410" LastEditDate="2017-07-21T03:50:22.023" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T03:50:22.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="726" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="718" CreationDate="2017-07-21T02:20:34.163" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a habit of mine as well, and I can relate to the feelings of anxiety that arise, which often lead to further delays. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I take ownership of my part, by using &quot;I&quot; statements, and leaving out excuses or justifications. Instead, clarity and brevity are my best tools to get back to a balanced relationship with the other person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply stating, &quot;I apologize that I have taken so long to get back to you, please don't take it personally. I'm working to improve, and appreciate your patience.&quot;, covers saying you're sorry and taking ownership. After that, there is no need for explanations, since you just made instant amends for your behaviour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about working on forgiving yourself for this, and anything you may be getting down on yourself about. When we can let go of guilt, the results can be freeing ourselves from the need to make excuses, over explain, or feel &quot;less than&quot; others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="491" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T02:20:34.163" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="727" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="718" CreationDate="2017-07-21T04:34:17.323" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It also depends on the urgency of the email/message that whether you need to mention an excuse for delay or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If an email is kind of urgent, you might need to include a reason to explain delay. However, there is no need to give a detailed reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the rest of the cases, as other mentioned, there is no need to include a reason because it will unnecessarily draw attention to delay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, try to reply without too much delay in order to not have a bad impression and keep the contact open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T04:34:17.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-21T04:59:23.547" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Option 4, signal to your right, and wave them around you. This signifies your intent to let them pass in a manner that allows you two to coordinate. He moves to the other side, you slow down so he can pass without you needing to worry about him rear ending you any more, and he's gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="410" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T04:59:23.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="697" CreationDate="2017-07-21T05:04:08.527" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Though, there is no explicit mention of where it happened, but based on your profile, I can safely assume where it did. Since I belong to the same country you do, I can offer some advice about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our country, teachers particularly take pride in their job and why won't they. Teachers/Gurus are given a higher place than the God in our culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They want their students to pay attention when they are teaching. Looking into book while they are teaching is something what they won't take easily because it makes them think that you're not paying attention and also that you're not understanding what they are saying or they are not good enough to teach. And this will definitely hurt their pride.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, though teacher overreacted by leaving the class and warning not to take the class again in future, but this wouldn't have happened if your friend apologized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now coming to your question,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Was it right for Jon to have done this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, it wasn't. He should have immediately apologized when teacher told him to leave the class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What should we have told him, to perhaps convince him to apologise to the teacher?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say something like this,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, we know that what you did wasn't wrong, but he is our teacher. If he won't take the class, our syllabus won't be completed which will affect our exam. An apology will not hurt anybody and it will make things right. Please apologize so our class can be resumed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-07-21T05:09:41.863" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T05:09:41.863" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="697" CreationDate="2017-07-21T06:31:52.080" Score="21" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Here's the thing about Indian classrooms&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teachers usually expect &amp;quot;pindrop silence&amp;quot; and undivided attention when they're teaching, and complete &amp;quot;obedience&amp;quot; in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, while they're teaching, do not turn towards your classmates, chew gum, fidget with pens, look at the walls or windows, or anything whatsoever. And more importantly, don't do anything that looks as though you've got better things to do than listen to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, while Jon's reading the text silently in class isn't bad behaviour in general, it is a sort of disrespect to the teacher. It is disruptive behaviour in this context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such cases, it's pretty normal for Indian teachers to get upset, &amp;quot;overreact&amp;quot;, and send the &amp;quot;disobedient&amp;quot; student out of the class regardless of how calm and composed they are outside of class hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most cases, a simple &amp;quot;I'm sorry teacher; won't happen again&amp;quot; would solve it like magic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if that apology isn't given, things escalate pretty quickly. Trust me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kindly explain to your friend that it's much better for the student to just say sorry (regardless of who is in the right) and get on with the class instead of countering the teacher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;I'm a fellow Indian. I've attended 8 Indian schools and 2 Indian colleges. There are many teachers within my huge Indian family.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T06:07:14.623" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="718" CreationDate="2017-07-21T07:46:55.653" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It happens to me something similar:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to be too perfectionist and I tend to delay my answer if I do not have enough time to develop it at its best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happens to any other ambit of my life such as organising picture albums or even sharing some of them in facebook with my friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are asking how you can reply in the case that you have delayed your answer a lot of time, but you can avoid this by simply avoiding the delay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are delaying your answer it is because you have read what the other person has written you but you have decided not to answer it. Try to analyze the situation and wonder if a simple and quick answer can be given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="508" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T07:46:55.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="718" CreationDate="2017-07-21T12:36:26.677" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would not apologize, and more importantly, I would not feel bad about it. I assume that you are an adult and busy with work and maybe family life. Most people start to get overwhelmed by those two factors somewhere in their 30's or 40's. At those ages, in my experience, when you don't actively work on keeping channels to friends open (by using said channels), they tend to die off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So. If there is a mail they sent you long time ago which you did not respond to, so far, then just go ahead and respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is no mail to be had as a reply, then just send them a little something (e.g., &quot;Hey, we haven't talked in ages, how are you?&quot;)? It may sound superficial or shallow, but in my experience most people know exactly what you want to achieve with such a question - you want to keep the channel open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh. And don't overthink. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T12:36:26.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="735" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="744" CreationDate="2017-07-21T12:58:01.390" Score="14" ViewCount="2356" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a loud, extroverted, and playful college student based in the United States I often find myself in situations where people (primarily women) think that I am flirting with them even when I am not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate that I am not flirting with them, I am instead being friendly and myself. When is the appropriate time after meeting someone to bring this issue up? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:03:26.047" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:03:26.047" Title="How to communicate that you are not flirting with someone" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;&lt;intention&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="736" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-21T14:10:54.833" Score="9" ViewCount="1110" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often a group of my friends will leave a party to smoke cigars/cigarettes. I do not smoke and have no interest in picking up the habit but I would like to be included in the conversation that happens while people are smoking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I politely, yet firmly say that I will not be partaking while still being able to be in the same area where I will be offered cigars/cigarettes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T17:12:05.187" Title="How to respond to peer pressure without being excluded." Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;peer-pressure&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="737" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="736" CreationDate="2017-07-21T14:21:17.410" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone heads out to smoke, they often announce it or extend a general invitation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Time for a smoke. You coming?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not restricted to &quot;yes&quot; and &quot;no&quot; when you reply to one of these. Try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want a smoke, but I'll come with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you are out there, it is natural that if someone sees you are not smoking, they assume you have run out, and offer you one. Just say &quot;no thanks&quot; when they do. The offer is intended to be polite, not to change your behaviour. Even if they know you don't smoke, they may feel compelled to offer rather than consume in front of you, and you don't need to make any kind of big deal out of declining. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no need to be &quot;firm&quot; or to make sure all participants know in advance you will not be partaking. You may meet someone who comes from a culture that offers multiple times even when you say no. If this happens, or for any reason you're not feeling comfortable with a simple &quot;no thanks&quot;, try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Honestly, I'm just here for the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smile (genuinely) when you say it. Nobody can be offended by that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-07-24T17:12:05.187" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T17:12:05.187" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="736" CreationDate="2017-07-21T14:59:09.127" Score="-6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no need to state anything unless someone asks if you want a smoke (no thanks, I'm good), or why you are out there if you don't smoke . In that situation a joke like I needed some fresh air works. You can also use a different item to deflect a bit, like taking a drink/soda/beer with you in your hands. No one really cares enough that you are going with them while they smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or find friends that don't have filthy habits. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="410" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T14:59:09.127" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="740" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="680" CreationDate="2017-07-21T16:06:15.117" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Headphones&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Outside the box solution, share a pair of ear buds with your daughter. Then you can both listen to your book without bothering the driver. If you would prefer to be playing it rather than the earbuds asking the driver, but mentioning you have earbuds as a back would be hard to take amiss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My daughter and I are in the middle of an audiobook. I've got headphones if you would rather not hear it, but it would be more convenient for us to play it through the speakers if that is okay with you.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T16:06:15.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-21T16:22:07.830" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;To save yourself embarrassment in the future, whenever you meet someone new: 1) Repeat their name back as soon as you hear (this will help you remember it). 2) Let them know you are terrible with names but will try and remember it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people have similar issues remembering names and so it's totally understandable. Furthermore, if you make a habit of this when you do forget don't be ashamed to ask (especially early in the conversation). When you do ask, use your name in the same sentence, and that way if they've forgotten yours you've saved them the embarrassment of being the one to ask. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, I'm afraid I'm terrible at remembering names and have forgotten yours. I'm aslum and it's a pleasure to meet you again.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:56:40.693" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:56:40.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="736" CreationDate="2017-07-21T19:04:49.147" Score="5" Body="&lt;h3&gt;“Thanks, but I don't do this”&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see any evidence for peer pressure in your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I for one do not smoke, but I hangout with friends when they do. I'm usually there for the fun conversations, and they don't have to offer me a smoke, because they know me well, and that's how friends are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in a new circle of friends, though, they might offer you a smoke as a friendly, polite gesture, and in such cases, you can politely decline the offer: &amp;quot;thanks, but I don't do this&amp;quot;, and resume the fun conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a case where you're sort of pressured into smoking (or doing something you don't want to) then that's a real problem, and beyond the scope of this discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T07:09:06.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="626" CreationDate="2017-07-21T20:33:39.223" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is assuming you're in the USA; I've heard it's different elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a person you don't know well, it's just a greeting that's roughly equivalent to &quot;hello.&quot; They're not actually asking about your well being. The less well you know them, the more true this is. If it's someone you have zero personal connection (like a client or customer you've never seen before), they absolutely expect a response of &quot;good, and you?&quot; They often won't even listen to your response; countless times, I've simply said &quot;hi&quot; back and still had them respond as if I had asked the question back. If it's a colleague you occasionally run into in the hall, but don't know well,  the same applies. I personally hate this custom, because I hate having to lie, especially about feeling miserable, but that's what's expected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if it's a colleague that you sit next to, and the two of you regularly share what's going on in your life, then they will likely appreciate an honest answer. Same goes if it's your best friend or mother asking, obviously!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a general rule of thumb, consider what the person has shared with you in the past. If they've shared feeling down, then they likely won't mind if you do the same. If you have no idea what's going on in that person's life, then give them a smile and tell them you're doing great, regardless of the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T20:33:39.223" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="735" CreationDate="2017-07-21T20:43:17.663" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no good time to communicate verbally that you are not flirting with them.  However, from the start you should use your &lt;strong&gt;paraverbal&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;nonverbal&lt;/strong&gt;, and &lt;strong&gt;situational&lt;/strong&gt; to communicate that you are not flirting with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Paraverbal&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to remember that communicating is not limited to what you say, but how you say it.  Take the following sentence:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, how are you doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be said in such a way as a simple greeting, emphasized for flirtation, or emphasized for deep concern.  Depending on how you are talking, it could drastically change how it is interpreted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Nonverbal&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Posture, hand position, facial expressions, and body language all communicate various things.  If you want to know what various hand positions and facial expressions are communicating there are sites with whole pages on them: &lt;a href=&quot;https://leadingpersonality.wordpress.com/2013/05/28/read-body-language-signs-and-gestures/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Read Body Language Signs and Gestures&lt;/a&gt;  Here is a summary of the section on hand positions (note the last one):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;hands folded&lt;/strong&gt; shows negativity, skepticism, blocking the message he receives, the other person is perceived as a stranger, defensive position (person defends his heart).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if you put your &lt;strong&gt;hands on your hip&lt;/strong&gt; they widen body, you seem bigger, more threatening and convincing or influential.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;hands behind your back or in front&lt;/strong&gt;, one holding the other by the forearm denote insecurity, mistrust, fear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;hands behind your back, one holding the other by the wrist&lt;/strong&gt; usually comes with chin up and chest facing forward symbolizing an authoritative person, courageous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;asymmetrical shaking&lt;/strong&gt; hands show that the person is approachable, hands with slow movements show safety, securance (those that have slower moves know that what they have to say is important that’s why they have no rush, they have all the time in the world).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;steeple up hands&lt;/strong&gt; shows dominance, leadership and steeple down allegiance, obedience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;thumb in your pocket&lt;/strong&gt; or outside the pocket denote domination, safety, strength, sexual aggression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;playing with cylindrical objects&lt;/strong&gt; such as cigarettes, a finger, a cocktail glass or any other signifies courtship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another one from the same article has to do with what your eyes are looking at:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Intimate look = between the eyes and breasts to the thighs&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if your eyes are drifting down and checking them out, before you even open your mouth, you have already caused them to form a bias on anything you do say.  Think of the classic example of husband is walking with his wife and turns his head as an attractive jogger passes by in the opposite direction, and the wife then smacks him.  Husband did not say a word, but the simple act of turning his head was enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Needless to say, a lot of little things you are doing you may not even be aware of that are causing the miscommunication.  One time I had someone videotape me and a group of fellow college students giving a presentation for a class.  I watched the recording later, and was absolutely shocked at the little things I had done that I was not aware of.  If someone ever video tapes you at a social event try to see if you get your hands and watch it several days later, to make sure that the video is correctly capturing what you think you are doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situational&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the fastest ways to communicate to an individual that you are not flirting with them, is to have someone accompany you, preferably a significant other or someone of the same gender you are trying to talk to.  People tend not to flirt in front of their significant other, and so having a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse accompanying you will let them know that anything that might be construed as flirting is likely not the case (unless of course your significant other is giving you dirty looks, then they will absolutely assume you are flirting with them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Final Advice&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you cannot figure out how people are coming to the conclusion that you are flirting with them, then I recommend asking a close friend (preferably a women, since you state they are primarily the ones who are thinking this) who is good at picking up on subtle things for help.  Have them follow you around at social events you go to, with them keeping an eye on what you are saying and doing.  Then have them report anything they picked up on as flirting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="551" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T21:06:56.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="735" CreationDate="2017-07-21T21:11:03.550" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends on if the perceived flirting is welcome or not.  If they perceive it as flirting and seem to be uncomfortable because of it.  It is likely best to clear the air directly and figure out what you are doing that makes them uncomfortable and alter the behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they feel like you are flirting and are welcoming it, then it becomes much harder to address without causing hurt feelings.  Your best bet is likely to alter your behavior to discontinue what they are taking as flirting, at least until they can catch the hint.  If you are in a relationship, you can also potentially bring that up in a positive context to let them know that you aren't flirting without having to embarrass them directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="555" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T21:11:03.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="663" CreationDate="2017-07-21T21:49:53.657" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer this, you have to start with understanding what is and isn't rude behavior in general, then understand how it relates to driving.  Certainly, intentionally and unnecessarily impeding others is rude.  It's also arguably rude for you to not do your best to avoid impeding others when you can do so reasonably and without undue burden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how does this apply to driving? In the case you describe, you are faced with a tailgater who wishes to pass you, however driving conditions do not give you a safe way to do this.  Since it puts undue burden on you (risking your own safety for their convenience) it would not be rude.  You should not slow down to &quot;punish&quot; them, as this would be rude since you are intentionally impeding them, however if you feel you must slow down for safety reasons because of their tailgating, this would not be rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, some people have mentioned situations where a driver isn't getting out of the left hand lane and is holding up traffic.  If they aren't passing, then it is not an undue hardship for them to get out of the way to allow other traffic to pass as long as they can do so safely, so blocking traffic when you could easily and safely get out of the way would be rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be highlighted that while obstructing faster moving traffic when you have no safe or easy way to avoid it is not rude, that does not mean it is not frustrating.  Rude and frustrating are not the same thing.  If I am stuck behind slow moving traffic on a country road that my car could handle much faster, I'll be frustrated, but I won't be upset at the other drivers, because they aren't intending to hold me up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, on the other hand, they had cut me off to get in front of me and then proceeded to go slowly, I would be annoyed at them because they needlessly impeded me by forcing their way in front and then going slow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to rude when driving, do your best to avoid impeding others, but don't feel like you need to compromise your personal feeling of safety for someone else's convenience.  There's no guarantee that they won't misconstrue your actions, but if they have a problem with you placing your safety over their convenience, they are the one being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="555" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T21:49:53.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="718" CreationDate="2017-07-21T22:16:24.073" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to all the fine answers already given, I would only point out that a friend who understands your personality, habits and attitude would not be offended by your delay in replying to their message. So no apology is required although you may write a line of explanation. My favorite (and truthful) expression:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry for the late reply: you know how I never open my email except once a month! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we need to explain ourselves to a friend with a complicated and defensive apology for our actions, it should be a sign the friendship is not so mature and not so deep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note 1:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; I understand &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; what you mean: I don't keep in much contact with the very few people I am really close to (apart from my immediate family) but when we interact again after a long gap it is never awkward, because they know me inside out, and know I dislike any mode of communication except direct face-to-face interaction, or the &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; occasional phone call; also that I am fair to all and that therefore the 'radio silence' has no significance to the relationship. Some people are like that only. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that your friends ought to be aware of the typical reasons for your delay in replying, and more than willing to excuse you without any formal or detailed explanation, considering all your good or endearing points that make you their friend in the first place! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note 2:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; I maintain the strict policy that a 'friend' who does not understand my personality and is not willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, is entirely entitled to take offence at my lack of communication, but they would also be entirely responsible for thus misinterpreting my actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people not really close to you, who are &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; unlikely to understand, the apology as such might not be convincing to begin with, but the &lt;em&gt;fact&lt;/em&gt; that you eventually replied would mean something. It is then up to them whether they want to keep open the channel of communication, but all things considered -- your delay in replying and their possible misinterpretation -- you should not greatly regret the loss of contact with such a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note 3:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; if somebody finds this question &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; this answer strange in the era of facebook, twitter and instagram [as in, &lt;em&gt;do people even use &lt;strong&gt;email&lt;/strong&gt; to keep in touch with friends anymore&lt;/em&gt;] just kindly remember that &lt;em&gt;not everyone&lt;/em&gt; is interested in social media!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-07-21T23:03:23.897" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T23:03:23.897" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="748" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="448" CreationDate="2017-07-21T23:09:06.003" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer may be that you cannot trust her. Some people are terrible at keeping secrets and blab things, no matter how much they fight it. (Frankly, it's rare to find someone who will keep a secret entirely to themselves forever, but some are especially bad.) These people tend to describe themselves as &quot;having no filter&quot;. I'm assuming your friend falls under this category since she immediately blabbed such a large secret. They can be great friends in every other way, so you don't necessarily need to cut her out of your life, but you may need to refrain from sharing any more of your deepest and darkest secrets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do is forgive your friend. Talk to her and let her know how you feel. Ask her why she did what she did, and give her a chance to apologize and try to make amends. If you need time, that's okay, tell her that. Once you are ready to forgive, do so. But &lt;strong&gt;forgiving doesn't mean that you will forget what happened or that you will trust her with secrets again&lt;/strong&gt;; it means you are letting go of your anger and resentment, and that she doesn't &quot;owe&quot; you anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, you can talk about sharing secrets again. This will depend a lot on her, what she's willing to do, and how honest (with both you and herself) she's willing to be. Is she generally terrible at keeping secrets, or was this a rare moment of weakness? Does she &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to be responsible for keeping your secrets, or would she rather you shared that burden with someone else? Is she willing to improve? Is she willing to be your friend if you don't trust her with that responsibility?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you both decide that you want to be able to share secrets with her, then I'd let her practice with smaller ones. If you decide it's best to keep some things to yourself, then share your problems in a more vague way in the future, so that she can't betray you but can still support you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely she will be offended if you tell her you can't trust her anymore, or if you refuse to give details on some things. Blabbermouths tend to blab their own &quot;secrets&quot; too, and they often don't  understand why it's such a big deal when they do it to other people who keep things more private. It doesn't mean they're trying to hurt you or don't care for you; they just don't get the impact their actions have. I've had some success with getting them to understand how it makes me feel to have my secrets revealed, and sometimes they learn to keep things to themselves. But sometimes they can't or won't change, and you have to decide if you're okay with that or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastActivityDate="2017-07-21T23:09:06.003" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="752" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-22T05:20:35.183" Score="-6" ViewCount="1956" Body="&lt;p&gt;Said person follows me around on multiple sections of a site downvoting me or un-upvoting me. Any attempt at asking a question gets targeted&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pleas for support from the moderation get ignored out of spite or support for the troll, regardless of evidence provided. Even the systems automated anti serial voting script has caught them twice but they persist. Then they ban me for bringing it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best way to deal with this? I just want to be left alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="410" LastEditorUserId="467" LastEditDate="2017-07-22T15:24:06.947" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T16:08:33.310" Title="How can I deal with someone obsessed with me on a website?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-02-28T17:54:29.640" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="735" CreationDate="2017-07-22T09:01:17.563" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with CandiedOrgange that you should try to avoid mentioning that you are not flirting with someone else because that could be taken to imply either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are not attractive OR&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They wanted to get with you, which they might not want to admit, even if they were thinking about it, because you've just rejected them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of the time people mention that they have a significant other as per Sqaq's suggestion. Personally, if I don't have one, I'm not comfortable with lying like this, unless the situation truly is exceptional. I can see why people would though, there really needs to be another way to signal that you aren't interested in the other person romantically whilst maintaining plausible deniability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you went on a date recently or if you have a date soon, you could also use these to send a signal. People who are flirting with others are generally less likely to talk about current dating activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another strategy that people sometimes use is to say things like, &quot;You are such a great friend&quot;, with emphasis on the &quot;friend&quot;. I've never done this though because if you overemphasis the term friend you'll come off as weird, but it seems to work for some people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also suggest not to worry excessively about the other person's feelings. Their feelings are their feelings and ultimately it is their responsibility. Although you should certainly try not to lead anyone on, it is very hard to look after other people's feelings given that you rarely know exactly what they are thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="127" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T09:01:17.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="755" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="752" CreationDate="2017-07-22T11:21:32.997" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If&lt;/em&gt; everything you say is true, then at this point your most sensible option is to simply ignore your &quot;stalker&quot; and concentrate on what makes you happy about the site, or else move on to one where you have a less stressful time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume you mean a site such as Stack Exchange, or reddit, or something similar where user content can be voted up or down. Such sites are run privately, and within certain limits, are allowed to make their own rules about such voting. If you have already made your case to the users designated to moderate said site, and they have concluded that there's nothing they can do about it, then your options are limited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, keep in mind that the voting activities on such sites is usually kept private, and for very good reason. It's entirely possible that the reason nothing is being done to &quot;protect&quot; your content is that the moderators have investigated and see nothing actionable. It's &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; that you are overreacting to the usual ebb and flow of voting activity on sites. All user-moderated sites have people who just disagree with everything to be contrary, and since they are anonymous, they can do it. You can't control this, or stop it, and trying to do so will only frustrate both you and the moderators you keep asking for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular, one thing you should &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; do is to continue to publicly call out  such activity where other users can see it. Since other users can't really do anything to help you, this will mostly come off as attempts to garner sympathy, or to &quot;throw a tantrum&quot;. Remember, &lt;em&gt;everyone else&lt;/em&gt; suffers from the same kind of random anonymous voting patterns as you do. It's a natural part of such sites. Attempting to somehow single yourself out as a &quot;victim&quot; of such activity is a bad way to gain support from the group you're participating in, as most of them will have already learned to &quot;just deal with it&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All communities have &quot;unwritten rules&quot; of behavior; by making it clear that you either cannot or will not live within those &quot;unwritten rules&quot; you are actively isolating yourself from said community. That is only going to increasingly make it stressful and frustrating for you to participate in said community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you don't break the rules of said community, of course, you have every right to air your grievances. But if your goal, as you state, is to &quot;just want to be left alone&quot;, then really your &lt;em&gt;best&lt;/em&gt; option is to find a community who's unwritten rules you can deal with, because clearly whichever one you are participating in isn't working for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="467" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T11:21:32.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="269" CreationDate="2017-07-22T13:52:08.190" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I let them finish their opening, and when they pause to listen to me I say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please add this number to your do not call list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing rude about this request, you've listened to their opening without interruption, and this is the most polite and sure way to signal your complete lack of interest.  Almost any other response will result in them continuing the call to break down whatever barrier you throw up - but this one actually ends the call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T13:52:08.190" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="201" CreationDate="2017-07-22T16:34:38.227" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing you need to know early on about &quot;age&quot; is that you should be thinking in terms of age brackets. Before we go into the nuances of the next paragraph, you should not be worrying about absolute age, but rather what I call &quot;general&quot; age; is the other person much older, much younger, or about the same age as me. In that case, you should tailor your forms of address to &quot;older,&quot; &quot;younger,&quot; or &quot;same.&quot; In most cases, your judgments should be reasonably accurate, although you may have to fine tune.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later on, when you are among your &quot;peers,&quot; they may treat each other as such, or there may develop an informal hierarchy among you. If the latter is the case, you will likely be informed as to where you stand in the group and be able to act accordingly. If not, ask the friend that you are closest to, where you stand in relationship to him/her, or better yet, one or more third parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a Westerner, you need to &quot;try&quot; to fit in, although you will be given some leeway for your inevitable mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Korean,&quot; particularly Korean-American communities can vary greatly Some are formal, others less so. The fact that the community is so &quot;sticky&quot; about hierarchy while not even speaking Korean makes it rather unusual on this regard. This is particularly true when the non-use of the Korean language makes it sound like an expatriate community (which the edit to your question now makes  clear). Most communities (not all Korean) that are so &quot;orthodox&quot; in one way are so pretty much across the board, including language, dress, and customs. Frankly, I've never heard of such an age hierarchy being administered in English or other &quot;non-native&quot; language, (although i guess such a thing is possible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a sense, our exchange has been like the story of the six (two) blind men and the elephant. I don't claim to understand the whole (Korean) &quot;elephant,&quot; only the part that I'm holding onto. Which is to say the Korean-Americans (and a handful of native Koreans) that I know in America.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-07-23T05:55:59.087" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T05:55:59.087" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="735" CreationDate="2017-07-22T16:49:19.867" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ought to realize that by coincidence, your &quot;lighthearted&quot; questions such as  &quot;What are you passionate about&quot;, or &quot;How many small dogs could you take in a fight&quot; happen to be the same as, or similar to ones recommended by professional flirts or pickup artists to their clients. The gist of such advice is to get introverts to act in a more extroverted fashion, which you do naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One solution you might try is to say, &quot;I ask everyone these questions.&quot; This is a technique called &lt;em&gt;&quot;reductio ad absurdum;&quot;&lt;/em&gt; obviously you're not flirting with &quot;everyone,&quot; therefore probably not them. If pressed as to why, you might answer, &quot;That's just my style.&quot; You should bring this up as soon as you feel that you are being misunderstood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note: I am recommending what I believe to be honest answers coming from someone like yourself. If my assumption is wrong, don't use those answers.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T16:49:19.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="762" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="765" CreationDate="2017-07-22T18:33:06.193" Score="12" ViewCount="1731" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question is very culturally specific to the United Kingdom. Social and age deference is waning in the UK, this may be a matter of personal opinion as to whether that is a desirable trend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people of &quot;a certain age&quot; in the UK were brought up to use titles and honorifics.  Teachers are addressed as &quot;Sir,&quot; or &quot;Miss,&quot; and it was generally expected that older people were addressed as &quot;Mr X,&quot; or &quot;Mrs Y.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This expectation of courtesy was also expected from serving staff in restaurants and other service outlets.  I have observed recently, that on three different occasions in recent weeks of having been addressed in widely different forms.  On one occasion when my takeaway order was given to me, the server said &quot;Thank you very much, Sir.  Enjoy your meal.&quot;  On a second occasion at a different establishment the food was served with a &quot;Here you go, Buddy.&quot;  The third and most recent was a &quot;Ta, Mate.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am not overtly offended by any of these manners of address, it does seem to be culturally unexpected for a middle-aged person, to be addressed as &quot;Mate&quot; by an unknown teenager.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would politeness and professionalism not dictate a more distanced or formal mode of address from staff (no matter what the age of the customer), or am I merely being &quot;old fashioned?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-07-24T05:37:48.023" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T15:48:30.120" Title="How should one deal with overly familiar serving staff?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;age&gt;&lt;honorifics&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="762" CreationDate="2017-07-22T18:54:20.713" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;One possibility is to address the serving staff in the same manner that you would want to be addressed in.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me say up front that I am American, and so my thoughts may not be on target -- though I am hard-pressed to think why this may be, so here goes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The benefit to this approach is that is that you are calling attention to a way of speaking that you prefer without being confrontational about it. It gives the other person an opportunity to think about it without the sense of having to defend their manners. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may give your server an opportunity to be addressed in a very polite manner that they may appreciate, and thereby feel better about returning the favor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you may be in an establishment where the management, by wanting to cater to a certain market segment, actually is telling their service staff to address customers is a specific manner. You may want to see how other servers are addressing customers to see is this is the norm, as opposed to the exception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T18:54:20.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="764" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="770" CreationDate="2017-07-22T18:59:33.807" Score="16" ViewCount="1337" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Admittedly this is a primarily business-related question, since I'm about to enter the workplace, but it spans personal life too, so I am asking here.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate making and taking phone calls. Whenever I have to use one, I become flustered and anxious. This is primarily due to not being able to understand/hear what people say, particularly a quiet voice in a fast accent I am not familiar with. I end up having to say 'what?' or 'pardon?' several times in a row before giving it up as a lost cause. (As an aside, this is not a problem face to face, as I can hear okay and also pick up body language.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This ultimately ends up in a vicious circle of not understanding, becoming flustered, and understanding even less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; end up hanging off with 'see you' which is how I end a conversation with my acquaintances, and is inappropriate for a phonecall to someone who I will never see again!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I cope with this issue? What can I do to gain confidence on the phone?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="532" LastEditorUserId="532" LastEditDate="2017-07-22T19:32:56.317" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T03:06:55.257" Title="How do I become better on the phone?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-10-24T22:24:13.770" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="765" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="762" CreationDate="2017-07-22T20:01:54.120" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Times they are a changing....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't as culturally specific to the UK as you might think. The US had very similar conventions, and still does in certain places.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Working in the service industry, the appropriate honorifics typically change with the atmosphere. In fine dining establishments Sir and Ma'am are still common. Takeout and your typical neighborhood​ bars will tend to be less formal so less formal language is more appropriate. At my favorite local bar &quot;Yes Sir, thank you Sir&quot; tends to be thrown around in a tongue in cheek sort of way, more a spoof on the convention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This wasn't always the case here either. I'm​ old enough to remember the expectation of age appropriate address, but times are changing. You can either change with the times or be construed as a curmudgeonly​ old person. If you're​ really bothered by the informality you're always free to vote with your wallet and take your business elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-07-23T03:44:40.797" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T03:44:40.797" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="766" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="767" CreationDate="2017-07-22T21:01:38.723" Score="42" ViewCount="7154" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an American. I moved to Israel. My Hebrew is OK, but I don't speak it perfectly. I also have... quite a strong accent. I'm trying to work on it, but it's there and fairly noticeable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I'm talking - in a public space - to some kids my age (15), and some kids a few years younger than me (13/14 - not like a kindergartener) walk past. They pass by, and then they start laughing at my accent. Not &lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt; much - just for a minute, and not &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; in a mean way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it was meant maliciously (they aren't bad kids), it was just like a social thing. These aren't kids that I interact with frequently, either - say around twice a month we bump into each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I respond in a way that will both express that I don't appreciate the laughter as well as not escalating the situation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do I keep in mind? What is a good general approach in this type of situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-10-22T21:00:25.350" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T21:00:25.350" Title="How do I respond to children slightly younger than me laughing at my accent?" Tags="&lt;language&gt;&lt;israel&gt;&lt;accent&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="766" CreationDate="2017-07-22T21:07:33.443" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just be proud of the fact you're putting in the effort to try and improve your accent. If anything it'll be a great way for you to know when you've successfully gotten rid of your accent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been in the same situation as you in a country where no one spoke my mother-tongue. When anyone thought to laugh I let them. I sometimes do the same when I hear someone with a strong accent speaking English. It's amusing because it's different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as they don't do it maliciously take it on the chin. You're doing your best to learn another language and you should be proud of the fact that you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: This applies to any skill you're trying to learn. Be it learning the piano or working out in the gym. People are going to see you're not as good as them and laugh. Use it as motivation to get better and prove them wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="293" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T21:07:33.443" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="768" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="766" CreationDate="2017-07-22T21:24:56.950" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just want to raise a perspective that wasn't necessarily brought up by Edlothiad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For many of these kids, hearing someone with an accent in their language is very different. They may be looking at the pronunciation of your words, your grammar and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're not doing it to be mean, it's because they genuinely think that it's funny. Behaviours like this are completely natural - it's a difference to them, and it's a learning curve for you. The laugh doesn't mean &quot;Oh haha! You're so bad.&quot; It's a way of teaching you that is fun and appreciative of your efforts. As someone who fluently speaks two languages, and who is learning more, I can almost guarantee that this is the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it starts bothering you to the point you are getting annoyed, feel free to speak up. Depending on your personality, something like &quot;Hey! Quit it!&quot; would do. If you bump into them fairly infrequently, it's probably not a big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, take it in a positive light. You're there to learn. And as Edlothiad said in his answer, use this as a motivator to improve your proficiency in the language you are learning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T21:24:56.950" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="764" CreationDate="2017-07-22T22:28:16.073" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Perhaps you can start the conversation with a request: &quot;Please speak slowly and clearly because otherwise I will not understand you&quot;.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advantage of this approach is that it forewarns the speaker that you have a specific requirement that he otherwise will assume is not there. It also gives an automatic explanation to the reason why you are saying &quot;What?&quot;. They will then immediately recognize how to fix the situation. The downside to this approach is that it will probably not take too long until they &quot;forget&quot; and start to speak at normal speed again -- though one would hope that they would not do this. (I had a similar challenge when I was trying to understand someone who was speaking Creole French to me. It would start slow and soon be at &quot;too fast&quot;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As another thought, you can try using a custom headset: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;An easily useable volume control.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Speakers for both ears to be more in line with talking live.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Technology that will filter out ambient noise on your end.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If or when it exists, high fidelity telephony.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T22:28:16.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="764" CreationDate="2017-07-22T22:31:10.127" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I assume that you have already looked into technical solutions regarding bad reception (turning up the volume, requesting a better phone, etc), and that you also rule out physical hearing issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Preparation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have the same issue with phone calls, and I assume that it is a combination of missing visual signals and anxiety. You can't do anything practical for the first (I assume video calls or in-person meetings are out of the question), but you can try to work on the second. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, it helps enormously to be prepared. Before making a call, I write down what I want to achieve with the call, what topics need to be covered, what questions I have, what the other person will likely ask me, and so on. This helps with the anxiety, and with less anxiety, actually understanding the other person becomes easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also want to try some common practices against anxiety. Meditation, listening to music, deep breathing, etc. Whatever helps you to get in a good state of mind before a call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, as with most things, practice helps. You might want to consider using the phone more often in low-stakes situations (calling friends and family, ordering pizza, etc). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;During the call&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anxiety can result in you talking fast, and that can result in the other person talking fast as well, making understanding difficult. So try not to talk too fast yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also want to take notes during the call. Anxiety may lead to you forgetting things the other person has mentioned, and writing them down can help you keeping track of that. Having a written record to reference can also help with your problem of understanding, as you have a context for what the other person is saying. Taking notes may also help you to really listen to the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Handling poor understanding&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also know the situation where I am asking &quot;what?&quot; five times in a row before giving up. Obviously, giving up is not a practical solution, especially in a business context. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are somewhat understanding the other person but are not quite sure, a good method is to summarize/rephrase what they are saying. If you think you heard &quot;We need to foo the bar by tomorrow&quot;, you could say &quot;OK, I will foo the bar by then&quot;, or &quot;If I understood correctly, you want me to foo the bar?&quot;. In practice, you would want to use different phrases than the other person. This is a great method even when you are sure that you understood the other person, as it helps to make sure that there are no misunderstandings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not understand the other person at all, you should make that clear.&#xA; After saying &quot;what?&quot; or &quot;I'm sorry, can you repeat that?&quot; once, you should offer the other persons possible solutions to the communication problem instead of just repeating &quot;what?&quot;. You might say &quot;It seems that I am having bad reception, can you slow down and speak clearer?&quot;, or you might suggest other forms of communication: &quot;This is getting rather complex. Can you send me the details via email?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1583" LastActivityDate="2017-07-22T22:31:10.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="766" CreationDate="2017-07-23T02:55:54.490" Score="12" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Kids laugh at almost anything they find unusual.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your accent is just that. Unusual. Perhaps like the others said, it'll be an indication for you that you've improved your accent when they stop laughing. Take it as a positive thing. It's not like they're bullying you for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen people laugh at Indians' accents when they speak English. But it's not because it's terrible. It's just a sort of automatic response to hearing something unusual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I for one grew up in the Middle East (Dubai, currently) and I've met people of all sorts of accents speak English here. It'll take time to get used to hearing new accents. Let this not worry you much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people were intentionally harassing you, that would have been something requiring more careful consideration. This now is just kids being kids, and they're not doing this to hurt you intentionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T10:35:39.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="764" CreationDate="2017-07-23T03:06:55.257" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;To the existing great answers, I'd like to add that if they're giving you directions, phone numbers, addresses etc, you can ask them to kindly text you those details just to make sure it reaches you correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a conversation with close friends, you can also choose to text them by SMS or online instant messaging apps. That won't work for business settings, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For business calls, it'll be good to request them to send an email with the important details. This has to be given thought before saying. You cannot ask your superiors or customers to email you, but you can ask others probably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T03:06:55.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="773" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="697" CreationDate="2017-07-23T03:58:34.933" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You and your friend need to know that there are at least two types of &quot;wrong.&quot; They are 1) objectively wrong and 2) wrong in context, when he offends someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What Jon did was not objectively wrong. But it was &quot;wrong in context&quot; because it was socially disruptive. So Jon should apologize for being disruptive, saying something like &quot;I apologize for disrupting your class by reading while you were lecturing.&quot; That way, he would do what he needs to do to keep the peace, while not having to admit being &quot;objectively&quot; wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This applies to classrooms of most, if not all, nationalities, not just Indian. I've dealt with similar issues (a long time ago) in American classrooms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2018-04-29T07:51:13.837" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T07:51:13.837" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="703" CreationDate="2017-07-23T07:49:07.617" Score="4" Body="&lt;h3&gt;This would be rude if there are other options present.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if not, then it'd be understandable and probably acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I relate to it based on my own situation in India. Our villa home in the countryside has a narrow road leading to it and the adjacent houses, and until it reaches the main road, there isn't a good place to U-turn. So we've given away a small piece of land in front our gate for cars to take a U-turn, and we've developed a good pavement there for the benefit of others visiting us and our neighbours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T07:53:19.020" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="775" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="776" CreationDate="2017-07-23T09:18:34.770" Score="64" ViewCount="14128" Body="&lt;p&gt;On my way to work, I cannot help but encountering a developmentally disabled person who harasses me and other women. How can I deal with him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been taking the same train to work each day for about 2 years now. A developmentally disabled person has to take the same train to get to this special workplace for developmentally disabled people. He has a habit of harassing the girls/young women at the platform and in the train.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first time I took this train, I was 'the new face' and so he immediately jumped on me. He used a slightly impolite greeting (one usually reserved for best friends here in the Netherlands), and started asking questions like where are you going, what are you doing. I told him where I was going was none of his business, that I prefer to not disclose that information to people I do not know. He started getting aggressive, telling me I was mean to him only because of his developmental disability, and calling me names. Luckily, by that time another male commuter had arrived that I know a bit from church, and he warned the man that he should leave me alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, this man started coming up to me every single morning, (just like he does with all the other girls/women at the station) using the impolite greeting. I decided to ignore him, so it has been the same every morning since: coming up to me, saying the impolite greeting, standing in front of me for a while and shuffling on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Tried&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am including some of the things I have tried already below, I am looking for new ways to deal with this problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I tried putting on big headphones and standing close to the platform so he had to cross behind me, but he still kept going at it, only now standing behind me. That scares me even more because he can be so aggressive. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I once tried reacting with the correct and polite form of greeting, but a situation much like the one described above occurred: he started asking personal questions, became aggressive and had to be sent away by another male commuter. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He also scared me really badly one morning when I was walking to the station, by blocking my way and impolitely greeting me. I had to walk through somebody else's garden and I ran the last bit to the train station. I called my parents. My parents have spoken to his parents (this man is known in my village for how he behaves towards girls/women), and apparently his behaviour has already improved from what it was, apparently he now walks on when ignored, instead of also becoming aggressive when not getting attention. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In the Netherlands there are special compartments in trains where everybody has to be absolutely silent (no talking, no whispering, no answering your phone etcetera). When he enters these train compartments and sees a girl, he just starts talking. We have had to go and fetch railway personnel regularly, because he gets very aggressive when being told he is in the special compartment and has to be quiet. But because of his behaviour almost all women/girls travel in this silent compartment, to avoid encountering him elsewhere in the train, and this makes him come into these compartments more regularly because it's where the girls/women are.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I can not take another train, because of office hours. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I can generally not avoid him at the train station, since I use the walk to/from the station as my daily exercise, this means I am almost always there before he arrives. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He seems too developmentally disabled to understand replies like 'not interested' or 'no' to his impolite greetings. He just looks at you really confused, and either walks on to harass you in the same way the next morning (best case scenario), or sees them as a conversation starter and starts asking the personal questions until a male tells him to leave me/other women/girl alone. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He gets very aggressive towards women, but will listen to men when they tell him to leave us alone. I do not like being dependent on strange men for my own safety. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I once discussed this with somebody that is an officer, and calling the police is not an option, since what he is doing is not unlawful here in the Netherlands, and because of his developmentally disability he can not be held accountable.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring this person makes me feel really bad about myself, because he can not help that he is developmentally disabled and unable to learn proper manners.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Giving him attention that is not the kind of attention that he wants makes him mad and dangerous. And when I give him attention and I know it is not what he wants, this also makes me feel like I am the bad girl. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I have tried several ways of dealing with this person, but they either have no effect, or they leave me feeling bad about myself / being scared because of his reaction. How can I deal with him better?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T17:09:49.313" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T14:46:34.460" Title="How to deal with a dangerous, developmentally disabled person I can not avoid?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="775" CreationDate="2017-07-23T10:03:00.890" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a &lt;em&gt;similar&lt;/em&gt; problem a few years ago. A particular commuter (who I knew from a previous employment) would spot me on the platform and insist on coming up and talking to me. Because we have friends and colleagues in common and because there was a strong possibility I'd end up working with them in future, I was extremely keen not to offend them by pretending to be on a call or by listening to loud music.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end I found the ideal solution; I simply avoided them. &lt;strong&gt;I found a spot where I could stand some distance away from the platform and observe the track. I'd walk onto the platform just as the train was arriving, spot which car this person was alighting, then pick a different one.&lt;/strong&gt; You usually get a few minutes to get on board and it's an easy matter to just not be in the same place as them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actions you may wish to take:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You absolutely need to complain to the station staff (by phone and or letter) each and every time you're harassed.&lt;/strong&gt; His behaviour is not acceptable and they need to provide personnel to supervise both the platform and the train. If they fail to cooperate, start to make formal complaints about &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; as well as threatening to contact your Senator and Representative.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Start keeping a log of his activities and make sure the staff get copies.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Speak to other female commuters.&lt;/strong&gt; If he's harassing them as well, they may have developed strategies to prevent contact that you can use. Perhaps buttonhole them as they walk away from the station or hand them a card with your email address on.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In the UK there's a group called &quot;Passenger Focus&quot; that campaigns for the rights of rail passengers. &lt;strong&gt;There may be a similar group in the Netherlands.&lt;/strong&gt; Reaching out to them may be useful. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Speak to the police.&lt;/strong&gt; On several occasions you said that he's been aggressive or violent. This is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; an acceptable set of circumstances, even if he's developmentally disabled. They may offer some assistance by speaking to his parents, speaking to him directly or providing staff for the platform. They may also contact the train company to ask them what actions they're taking for your protection. Again, make this their problem and not just your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Speak to a solicitor&lt;/strong&gt;. I gather there's something called a &lt;em&gt;contactverbod&lt;/em&gt; that acts as a temporary restraining order. If he's not legally responsible, this will put the onus on his parents/guardians to keep him physically away from you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="421" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T22:10:13.200" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T22:10:13.200" CommentCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="86" CreationDate="2017-07-23T15:25:35.420" Score="4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;“This too shall pass”&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I for one have this mantra that I remind myself when things are about to go sideways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you internalize this concept, this rare attitude towards life, your thoughts and actions will reflect that. This makes you look at yourself, and the situations you get into, from a different perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of engaging in a pointless argument with somebody, take a step back, ask yourself, &amp;quot;Who will this benefit?&amp;quot;. And the answer is almost always &amp;quot;Nobody, really&amp;quot;, and that's it. Hold up. Remind yourself that this is but one moment out of a series of moments called life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moments - good or bad - they all pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That brief thoughtful step back is key. Temper will fade away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T15:25:35.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="779" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="775" CreationDate="2017-07-23T16:56:10.617" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is a bizarre idea, not a suggestion. Let's start with granting that the menace &lt;strong&gt;does not deserve&lt;/strong&gt; your kindness, and turning the other cheek is for saints. This idea, though, has to do with results, not justice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shifting the dialogue to my liking by taking charge of the conversation succeeded in the past: When I realized an aged neighbor was picking fights simply to force me into conversation, I instead initiated my own normal small talk with her. Problem solved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, HE hasn't earned this, but if it works, why not? This would mean shifting the vile conversation to &quot;How are you today? I've seen you around. You have family here? That program at the center any good? How friendly do you find folks around here? &quot;No, no, if you want to talk, no touching. (Hold your breath for this one:) Will I see you tomorrow?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note most of all, my idea is not Mother Theresa, it's manipulation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="528" LastEditorUserId="528" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T19:36:52.550" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T19:36:52.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="781" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="766" CreationDate="2017-07-23T16:58:34.240" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The thing is, in Israel everyone has an accent,  and we laugh at each other,  it's nothing personal, it's like a national sport. Or yo momma yokes.&#xA;The high school I was in had Russian,  Hungarian,  Ethiopian (Amharic), English, Persian etc. accents and we teased each other about it all the time. And there were the tzabars (the natives, heh) but they also had accents - sefardi vs ashkenazi pronounciation and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had a lot of fun teasing each other with accents, stereotypical jokes and stuff like that. As long as it isn't done maliciously,  don't fret about it, and no need to be self-concious about it. You're making efforts to learn the language instead of speaking English with everyone - it is usually appreciated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About getting rid of the accent - from personal experience, learning a few languages at the same time helps, if in your HC they teach Arabic or French, (usually those are the choices in addition to the English) then go for it, it'll help a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1617" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T16:58:34.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="782" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="775" CreationDate="2017-07-23T17:25:18.450" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This problem is beyond being a &quot;personal&quot; matter. You should speak to the &quot;authorities.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first authority is the train staff. Letter or phone is ok, but when possible, contact a conductor or other staff member before you leave the train, every time there is an incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk with other women on the train. Get them to sign a letter or petition corroborating your findings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If talking to train authorities doesn't do the job, go to the police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the above doesn't work, see a lawyer, and maybe have him/her contact a legislator. I don't know how it works in the Netherlands, but in America, people sometimes volunteer to work in a legislator's office for the right ot speak to them. I once made a large donation for the right to attend a fundraisng &quot;party&quot; with a Senatorial candidate (who won).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T17:25:18.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="786" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-23T18:20:01.050" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-07-23T18:20:01.050" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T18:20:01.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="787" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-23T18:20:01.050" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-07-23T18:20:01.050" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T18:20:01.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="752" CreationDate="2017-07-23T18:23:47.823" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try to use a different username for a while. Possibly create a new account that the person doesn't know of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't link your accounts together, like including a link to your Facebook account on your Twitter account and vice versa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try emailing support instead of reaching them via the site. Support via email is usually reliable. Or try the live chats, those are very helpful too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="257" LastActivityDate="2017-07-23T18:23:47.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="789" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="790" CreationDate="2017-07-23T18:36:31.540" Score="8" ViewCount="5904" Body="&lt;p&gt;When talking to people, I often find myself in an &quot;awkward silence&quot;. This is usually with acquaintances or friends-of-friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say I'm at a family gathering on Thanksgiving (United States). I am talking to an aunt or uncle, and we come to the end of the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What strategies will help me start a new topic that they would find interesting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="257" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T13:01:09.617" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T18:44:03.027" Title="How can I come up with good conversation-starters?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2019-03-05T14:07:10.517" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="789" CreationDate="2017-07-23T18:48:58.067" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;You will always do better asking a question than making a statement. People can just let your statement hang out there, but they'll feel they must answer a question. Don't make it a yes/no either, make it open ended. Your best bet is something related to the reason you're standing in the same place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;at a wedding: &amp;quot;so, how do you know [the bride] and [the groom]?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;at a work function: &amp;quot;what department are you in?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;have you been with the company long?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;at a party at X's house: &amp;quot;so, how do you know X?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;how long have you known X?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;is this your first X's party?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;on a train or similar public transit, should you feel the need to continue a conversation: &amp;quot;is this your regular commute?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;how long have you been doing this trip back and forth for?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you know the person (eg from work or your commute) and bump into them somewhere else (eg a coffee lineup) don't ask questions related to the thing you have in common, such as work. Instead ask something related to the current circumstance. &amp;quot;Hey, do you live around here too?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are supposed to know the person too well to ask these questions (such as distant relatives at a family gathering) narrow the scope of your questions a little:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;how have you been? (If you can remember something from last time you saw them, or something a family member has told you, all the better. Eg: &amp;quot;is your hip still giving you trouble?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Have you completely finished your move to Arizona?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Are you really going to retire this year?&amp;quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you only remember a tiny fact such as where they live or a hobby, work it in: &amp;quot;How are things in Iowa these days? Are you getting all this rain we've been getting?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;are you still golfing every chance you get?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if your connection involves someone who's not in the conversation (perhaps their child was a cousin and playmate of yours) ask about that person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you can't think of anything to ask them, ask if they've heard your news in the last year or so: &amp;quot;did you hear I have a new apartment?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;did X tell you that I'm getting married next year?&amp;quot; Chances are, this person will now dutifully ask you some questions about this topic and you can discuss it for a while. You can always turn things back to them by asking about the time they moved into their first apartment, or bought their own house, or moved across the country, or got married, or whatever. Especially if you introduce it with &amp;quot;I'm sure things used to be different. I bet when you got married you didn't have to choose the toppings for your mashed potato bar!&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;I'm sure things used to be different. You couldn't use the internet to find your place from thousand of miles away. How did you do it?&amp;quot; And so on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of those apply, think about your dental hygienist and other folks who need to make small talk every day. They ask you things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do you have any plans for the upcoming long weekend?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do you have any special plans for a summer holiday? (Or other within-a-few-months time period that people often go away for or make special plans for) At Thanksgiving, you can ask their Christmas plans. At Christmas, you can ask about New Year's Eve, and so on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;did you see [tv show] last night?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;have you seen the new X movie yet?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;have you been following [sports team or event eg World Cup, Olympics]?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all of these, there's a chance for a really dismissive answer, but you can catch it and ask a different question that will keep things going:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;No, I never watch that crap. I don't have time for TV.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, that's interesting, what do you do instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really? I often think I spend too much time watching TV. What kinds of things do you do instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, so what were you up to last night while I was watching [tv show]?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you get two dismissive answers in a row, take the hint and make small talk with someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T00:03:19.277" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="775" CreationDate="2017-07-23T19:54:46.303" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a very similar issue with a man who suffered from a traumatic brain injury while I was volunteering at a local food bank.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It started much as you describe. He was just a little too agressive with the women, not necessarily dangerous, but he had a habit of being a little too familiar and often times saying very inappropriate things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately I was usually the male figure who had to step in and tell him to settle down. This seemed to work at first, and while supervised he was mostly harmless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things came to a head one evening when I wasn't there and he approached an underage girl. He said the sort of things that he usually said to women and things got out of hand quickly... Not only was the girl endangered, but the disabled man was as well when the girl's parents were told what had happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I bring this up, because it's a fairly likely scenario that comes up with situations like this. The man's caretakers were well aware that he had these issues and they weren't providing adequate supervision to someone that they knew posed a risk to himself and others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That turns out to be a key phrase in situations like this.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&quot;A risk to himself and others&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The laws may be different where you live, but generally speaking that's the acid test. Once someone presents a risk to themselves or others, they should be getting more care and supervision. If the man's caretakers are aware of the issue and they aren't taking steps to provide that care and supervision, they're inadvertently neglecting their responsibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We ended up handling the situation by contacting the man's caretakers directly. We informed them of what had happened and told them that he was no longer welcome on the property unless accompanied by a guardian. We went on to explain that failing to provide supervision may leave them responsible for the man's actions if anything happened in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would strongly advise you to call the police each time this problem occurs, and encourage them to contact the man's caretakers. Make it clear that this person's actions feel sexually aggressive in nature, and that by ignoring the problem they're putting the disabled man and the general public in danger. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not uncommon for people to minimize these problems until something really bad happens. Try to be clear in telling them that's what you see happening. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-15T14:46:34.460" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T14:46:34.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="775" CreationDate="2017-07-23T22:18:48.547" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the suggested actions in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/776/106&quot;&gt;this answer&lt;/a&gt; by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/421/valorum&quot;&gt;Valorum&lt;/a&gt; -- report it to the train station every time it happens, keep a log, and confer with the other affected women.  But I noticed something additional in your question that hasn't been addressed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A developmentally disabled person has to take the same train &lt;strong&gt;to get to this special workplace for developmentally disabled people&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you have somebody who's dangerously aggressive and invasive, who according to the police can't be held responsible for his actions, but he's &lt;em&gt;in some sort of special program&lt;/em&gt;.  My next step in your situation would be to contact the people in charge of that special workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are responsible for training him in life skills, they need to know about this profound failure so they can address it.  If they are not responsible for that -- if they're just a workplace that has agreed to employ developmentally-disabled people -- then they, in turn, must be working with somebody else who's making the connections -- a government agency, a clinic or hospital, an advocacy group, or something similar, and they ought to be able to help you escalate your complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I haven't been in your situation; my threatening encounters with mentally-unstable individuals have been one-time encounters, not every day, and the methods of dealing with them are different.  I'm drawing this answer from experience escalating complaints within the workplace and other organizations; those situations weren't threatening in the way that yours is, but &quot;involve the person who is somehow superior to the problem person&quot; is the approach that has worked for me.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a later comment you added:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have just started trying some of the approaches here this week. So far, trying to steer the conversation away to other smalltalk (as suggested by Yosef Baskin) has failed. Apparently his obsession (see the comment on that answer) is getting to know as much personal details from a female as possible (where do you live? is his favourite question). I made sure to tell the male commuter I know from church what I was going to try, and he has 'rescued' me twice this week. I'll try it for the rest of this week, if nothing changes I will ask the other females to take some organized action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are describing warning signs of stalking, particularly the attempts to get personal information about you.  The common advice when dealing with repeated harassment of the creepy variety (examples: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.stalkingriskprofile.com/victim-support/general-advice-for-victims&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Stalkers&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;2&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=178&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;3&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/talking-about-trauma/201306/in-the-mind-stalker&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;4&lt;/a&gt;) is: &lt;strong&gt;don't engage, do seek help&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already tried telling him to leave you alone; it didn't work.  Under &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt; conditions should you give him any information that he could use to cause even more trouble for you.  Ignoring him isn't working for you either, and is unlikely to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Report this to the train station and his workplace, as already mentioned.  Further, you and the other women should strongly consider contacting the police.  Even if they say they can't do anything, having the reports on file -- starting to build a paper trail -- could help later.  Who knows; they might have said &quot;we can't do anything&quot; when they thought it was one harmless pest bothering one person, but if they see that it's multi-target, sustained harassment, perhaps they'll try harder to help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="27" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T04:17:25.537" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T04:17:25.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="762" CreationDate="2017-07-24T01:25:13.207" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The vast majority of culture is arbitrary. Look around the world and at different time periods and you will see a massive variation in cultural norms, expectations and traditions. This includes how people greet each other, with some cultures focusing on particular terms like &quot;sir&quot;, whilst other might have a separate formal tense or even a separate language for formal interactions. In contrast, many societies are also much more informal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What culture is &quot;best&quot; is somewhat besides the point, culture is what it is. If you don't use the term &quot;sir&quot; in a culture where it is expected, you will seem impolite. If you expect the term &quot;sir&quot; in a culture where it isn't expected, you will seem old fashioned and stuck in your ways. There's nothing wrong with missing the old culture and preferencing visiting places where people still act that way, but as you cannot change culture by yourself it is not worthwhile fighting a battle that has already been lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the old culture is important to you, then you can try to ensure that the memory of it lives on. Sure many of the younger generation won't be interested, but I'm sure that others will be. When talking to them, don't just talk about how good the old culture was since that is a bit of a trope, but also try to demonstrate an appreciation for the benefits of informality as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="127" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T01:25:13.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="752" CreationDate="2017-07-24T02:34:52.770" Score="9" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Hide your communities&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your Stack Exchange profile settings, you can hide your communities. That prevents the stalker from having direct links to your other community profiles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Use a different display name&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your Stack Exchange profile settings for each community, you can change your display name. That makes it harder for the stalker to search for you in that community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not talking about creating new accounts. Renaming the existing ones will do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Avoid getting into arguments&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that some time ago you had an argument with a user, and they're stalking you, downvoting you, everywhere you go, just to get a pathetic sort of revenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See also: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/777/345&quot;&gt;How to avoid arguments.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Ignore it or report to Stack Exchange Admins&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some men just want to watch the world burn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see downvotes on the strangest of things. You can either ignore it, or if it appears to be by certain individuals targeting you, use the &amp;quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/contact&quot;&gt;contact us&lt;/a&gt;&amp;quot; link to inform the Stack Exchange admins in private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T16:08:33.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="796" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1368" CreationDate="2017-07-24T05:17:57.660" Score="9" ViewCount="1957" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here on Stack Exchange, I have a user with whom I believe I may have made a bad first impression. In general, I acted as a bit of an accidental jerk. Overwriting his edits, drastically changing the meaning of his posts, and in general acting a bit unprofessional in chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was a bit of a Stack Exchange novice when I first joined, meaning I didn't really have a good idea of how to properly behave. Some of their comments leave me with the impression that they may now see me as a  bit immature, or worse, a bit of a troll.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I recover from a bad first impression made with a specific user in an online community?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13" LastEditorUserId="13" LastEditDate="2017-07-24T12:58:28.200" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T14:02:08.130" Title="How can I recover from a bad first impression on the internet?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;stack-exchange&gt;&lt;first-impressions&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2017-08-07T16:30:55.703" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="797" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="762" CreationDate="2017-07-24T05:19:44.037" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Today's teens are more egalitarian than their elders. While this is a good thing in many ways, it is a bit disconcerting to people who are now middle-aged (or older).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember people of my age bracket (about 60) being more formal with older people when we were young. At one level, it was a sign of respect, at another level, it was a buttress of a less equal society than we now enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would take these younger people on their terms; they are being respectful as &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; understand it, although not as we would. And that's mainly for a better, more egalitarian society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T05:19:44.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="796" CreationDate="2017-07-24T05:26:43.007" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recovery will take time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone was targeted, and others tried to intervene, it is something that many people may remember when they see your name. That doesn't mean that recovery is impossible, it just means that you will have to put in the effort to regain the trust and confidence they otherwise would've had in you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;But how do you regain that trust?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can prove that you are committed to contributing positively to the community, and show that you do not partake in those destructive actions, that will be a start. You can take a look at the Be Nice policy of your site, if you want some guidelines. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stack Exchange has a history of a focus of rehabilitation with users. Suspensions are private for good reason, and moderators generally attempt to issue warnings before making harsh actions. Luckily for you, the presence of this idea in our community will help you recover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind though that impressions don't change overnight. Some people may hold on to their initial impressions; others will change and look at your new behaviour to form their opinions. What you need to worry about is if you've changed yourself into a positive member of the community. If you ask yourself &quot;Am I making this community and the internet a better place?&quot; and you answer &quot;Yes,&quot; then you are on the right track.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T05:26:43.007" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="766" CreationDate="2017-07-24T05:30:05.540" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Work on your speech but realize that you will always have an accent.  Since you're young, the better chances you will speak more like those around you the more you talk to them.  So don't respond by speaking to them less or your accent won't improve as much.  Every region has a different accent, especially here in the U.S. and in the Southern U.S. where I'm at, there are many different southern accents.  It seems like everyone has a different amount of &quot;southern draw&quot;.  People with a lot of &quot;draw&quot; even sound funny to me and I've lived here all my life.  You may always sound funny to some people if the accents there are varied much.  Try not to take the teasing seriously or personal.  Many people do impressions of accents for fun.  I like trying to speak in a British accent.  Maybe you should have fun with it and respond by trying to speak in a thicker accent or a foreign accent.  That way you show them that it doesn't bother you and you can laugh at yourself.  Accents should be a matter of pride unless you're from the Southern U.S. lol jk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1642" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T05:30:05.540" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="796" CreationDate="2017-07-24T05:33:16.153" Score="5" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Happens to us all&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not alone in this. It's normal to make mistakes when you're new to something. You admit that you were a novice and did not know better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is that you realized it and have decided to correct your mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think you have done serious harm to the user, you can apologize to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if it's just some minor friction then it's probably going to go away on its own. It's nothing to bear a grudge against you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just continue interacting with the user, but now with more care and consideration. And your changed behaviour is itself the best apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T07:04:50.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="796" CreationDate="2017-07-24T05:52:51.837" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;.. The first step is to admit that you have a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admitting that you know you acted inappropriately will often go a long way towards mending things in most situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that, make an effort to be a better community member. Showing is always better than telling. Once this other user sees you doing the right thing consistently, they will be a lot more likely to let the unfortunate incidents of the past stay in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a personal note, I really enjoy seeing misguided newbs turn the corner on Stack Exchange. Many of us had missteps when we first started out, I know I did. Stick around, and keep learning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T05:52:51.837" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="766" CreationDate="2017-07-24T06:31:14.237" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Switzerland,we have the same thing with different dialects of swiss german. Everyone laughs about everyone (especially about the guys from zurich and st. gallen). As I moved to a different region, I had to hear a lot of silly comments about my dialect too. On the other hand, I myself laugh and crack jokes about other swiss dialects. It's just something pretty much everyone does. Taking stuff like this serious is definitely the wrong approach. Just learn to laugh about it too. After that you don't really notice it/ care anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1645" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T06:31:14.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="736" CreationDate="2017-07-24T08:19:13.520" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can only speak from what I have seen socially, which is that most of the time an offer for a cigarette or beer is merely that, an offer.  I do not think that &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; people &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; you to say yes, but they do not want to appear inhospitable.  If it doesn't bother you to be around people while smoking &amp;amp; you would like to go outdoors with them, then I do not see anything that should be an obstruction.  I am constantly offered things I do not want when in social gatherings &amp;amp; a &quot;no thank you&quot; has always worked fine.  I do not drink when out &amp;amp; sometimes get a little bit of teasing, but I always just reply that they will thank me when I am driving their drunk behind home later.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often time any pressure we feel socially is internal, even when it feels external.  Someone can try to even go so far as to talk you into something, but if you put no weight on their impression of you, then you will often feel absolutely nothing no matter what they say, other than perhaps irritated that they do not drop it.  You are more likely in that case to think that person nags you, versus that you are being pressured.  If however, you value that person's feelings about you, you can feel pressure where none exists, simply by your desire to get some sense of approval or inclusion.  It is best them to assume that you are included even if you do not partake in every part of that socializing practice if you are not being told there is something you must do in order &lt;em&gt;to&lt;/em&gt; be included.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bunch of people I worked with used to go to happy hour after work all the time &amp;amp; I didn't want to.  They didn't realize I don't drink &amp;amp; interpreted my not attending as being anti social.  I quickly realized I can go &amp;amp; have a soda &amp;amp; they were just as happy with that as if I had drinks with them.  I had no idea I appeared stand offish to them.  Likewise, people offering you a smoke, likely have no clue it feels like pressure.  I didn't even feel pressure to go.  I had nothing against going, but I didn't see the point.  Once I realized they were seeing it as me not liking them, I modified &amp;amp; it was fine.  I still didn't go all the time, but went often enough that it made my work relationships more amicable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T08:19:13.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="762" CreationDate="2017-07-24T08:26:36.627" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the US, it also used to always be &quot;Miss/Ma'am&quot;, or &quot;Sir&quot;, etc, but often now it is not.  And I find among my friends (and we all grew up with Ma'am) that they will feel annoyed if someone calls them Ma'am as if they are &quot;too young&quot; which I can assure you we are not.  So it is harder too working in an era of the change over for wait staff to know what you would prefer.  I am nearly positive they would gladly call you any title you prefer if in fact they were certain what title that would be, but not all people want an age deference as some seem to pride themselves on turning 29 every year since they were actually 29 and find such titles reminders they are no longer youthful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you would prefer &quot;Sir&quot; then I see no issue with you saying so, particularly in a place you wish to frequent.  There is nothing wrong with asking to be called by whatever title you prefer.  If it's a one stop, I think it's likely a waste of time to mention as the person coming in after you might quite like to be called &quot;mate&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T08:26:36.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="683" CreationDate="2017-07-24T08:51:10.533" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know about your culture, but in the area of the USA where I live, not smiling at people will be seen as cold.  It doesn't need to be some large toothy grin, but some sort of acknowledgement that is warm that show you both met eyes briefly is good.  You want it to be a friendly smile, without seeming familiar (unless of course, you know that person).  Anything less will be seen as being unfriendly, which can be interpreted as cold, distant &amp;amp; sometimes as rude or arrogant.  The reason it will be seen as rude here is that there is a social expectation that you will give a facial expression that is kind.  People here don't seem to acknowledge that some people's &quot;resting&quot; facial expression isn't smiley, so therefore they will see as a willful gesture of being unfriendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of this, I have taught my shy children that they do not have to engage in any talk other than basic things, just smile.  Because of the social rules where we live, I tell them it's a &quot;polite smile&quot;.  And I do require they say things like &quot;thank you&quot; or &quot;no thank you&quot; if offered something they do not want, if someone holds a door for us, etc.  I tell them they do not have to hold conversations with people, or actually talk (just repeat phrases you know, like &quot;thank you&quot;), but there are socially polite things that we all do and speaking when spoken to is one of them.  I know it's not easy for them compared to my outgoing child, but I also know it will be an obstacle for them as they grow up if they do not learn how to handle this in a way that is seen as socially &quot;correct&quot; for here.  So far they seem to be handling it fine &amp;amp; I hope it helps them as they get older to have less trouble as being seen as cold.  They really are lovely little people, they just need time to get to know people.  I mostly just teach them to smile when they do not want to say a word.  At these ages, that seems like more than enough to work.  It also works great for their dad.  It's how he got me. I could see he was very kind, he just is a bit slow on opening up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T08:51:10.533" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="807" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-24T08:56:47.950" Score="19" ViewCount="5739" Body="&lt;p&gt;As far as I have ever been aware, it has always been a rule of etiquette for a female guest to NEVER wear white when attending a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.glamour.com/story/can-i-wear-white-to-a-wedding&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;wedding&lt;/a&gt; in the United States.  It has always been my understanding that the bride should be the only female dressed in white. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And still our answer, forever and always, is no. No, you cannot wear&#xA;  white to a wedding. Period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only wedding that I have ever witnessed outside of the United States was the televised wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton in England.  Kate Middleton's sister wore a white-(ish) colored bridesmaid dress.  I don't recall any breaches in the rules of etiquette being discussed when this happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/u7glg.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/u7glg.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Pippa Middleton&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Would a female wedding guest dressed in white only be breaking a rule of etiquette in the United States?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="238" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T10:30:57.757" Title="Does the &quot;never wear white to a wedding&quot; rule of etiquette only apply to weddings attended in the United States?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;clothing&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="766" CreationDate="2017-07-24T09:09:31.903" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Laughter&lt;/strong&gt; isn't [necessarily] bad. This varies by culture, by context and by individual, and it's very easy to assume that non-verbal communication (as well as paralanguage) mean the same for others as it does for you. Ideally you can train yourself to first assume the best and maybe even laugh with them, or back at them. Another option is to engage a few &quot;laughers&quot; in a short polite conversation. Yet another to ask a more &quot;rooted&quot; friend to interpret a few situations and responses for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it were a work place, the canonical suggestion is to talk to those individuals one-to-one, where you learn that individual's background/context and way of thinking, as he or she does yours. It may very well happen that those kids will be &lt;strong&gt;looking up to you&lt;/strong&gt; soon :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other strategies include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get ahead (give a presentation, then everyone knows your background)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;moral high ground (speak English to them)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;deflection (laugh about anything with your friends)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;peer pressure (conspire with others / m.o.s.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;confusion (just smile)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;confusion prime (talk to them as if they are your friends)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1653" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T09:09:31.903" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="812" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="807" CreationDate="2017-07-24T12:54:26.600" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe the etiquette around not wearing white is so as not to 'show up' the bride or look more 'bridal' than her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the bridesmaids are wearing white it is because the bride or wedding party have dressed them in that colour and so is the aesthetic they are looking for. Therefore no breach of protocol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this rule would only apply culturally where a traditional wedding had a bride in white. This is not the case across many cultures and so would not apply - Indian weddings spring to mind in which the traditional colours appear to be more vibrant than a US/UK wedding&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T12:54:26.600" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="814" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="817" CreationDate="2017-07-24T14:24:17.880" Score="24" ViewCount="4273" Body="&lt;p&gt;Where I work, it is frequently mentioned by both co-workers and managers that many people find it rude when staff use cell phones while on duty because it is seen as attending to personal items while on company time. I frequently find myself in situations where I must take notes, file online reports, and consult online records while &quot;in the field&quot; or while in another facility (where I do not have easy access to a desktop or laptop computer). I usually use a smartphone for this purpose but am concerned about how this is seen. Under these circumstances (frequent travel away from a &quot;home base&quot;), carrying a tablet or laptop computer is impractical but not altogether impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can this be resolved? Would it be better to explain to others around me that I need a few minutes with my phone to check the status of the BQR Pipeline and submit a High-Priority Form 10-E or would it be better to carry and use a tablet or laptop anyway in order to be perceived as someone who is really &quot;working&quot; rather than texting friends and playing games? It is sometimes possible to delay online work until I am alone but sometimes it is not, either because the online work is high priority or because management has imposed a deadline to complete it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is relevant, this is in the USA. I am specifically interested in the interpersonal aspects of this situation as it relates to workplace social skills rather than any specific issue of workplace policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The obvious options I see are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Just use the cell phone and don't attempt to explain anything unless I am specifically confronted by co-workers or management (e.g. &quot;So, how many Pokemon did you catch today while you were on the clock?&quot;). The obvious downside to this is that I could be damaging workplace social relationships even while getting all of my work done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Explain to others why I need to use a cell phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Get a tablet or laptop and carry it around under the understanding that the benefits of being seen as working hard outweigh the burden of carrying it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) Push back on management and attempt to get policies or procedures changed so that I can take notes by hand and access online systems on a less frequent basis (e.g. at the end of the day).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1672" LastEditorUserId="1672" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T15:39:54.603" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T15:39:54.603" Title="How can I use a cell phone at work for work purposes without appearing to be slacking off?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="816" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-24T15:05:07.707" Score="15" ViewCount="699" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I have a meeting with the dean of my school later today. He's a really nice guy, and thinks pretty highly of me (so he's told me, on multiple occasions).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We need to talk about the past semester, where I didn't do so well in some important classes. I saw a psychiatrist last week, who diagnosed me with ADD and secondary depression, and I think it's important for the dean to be aware of those issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm still getting used to the whole mental health situation, but I have no idea how to talk about it. What are some things that I can say to communicate this effectively?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for some example sentences or templates because I have no clue how to go about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1675" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T01:51:38.083" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T21:42:06.363" Title="How to talk to a dean about depression" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;depression&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="814" CreationDate="2017-07-24T15:12:16.403" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are with other people when you choose to do something on your phone, simply excuse yourself to them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since we have a few moments here, I think I'll update the case notes on this situation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have a few emails from head office to deal with if you don't mind&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If what you are doing is more urgent, you can still telegraph it as you do it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd better get a form submitted on this one!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let me check the status on this again, if it hasn't moved I may have to call X about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you start using your phone when you're alone, and a coworker comes into your vicinity, you can let them know what you're doing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good morning! I'll be right with you after I finish updating some case notes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All these things would be polite and normal if you were turning your back to someone to work at a computer, so no-one will think you're odd for doing them. But they have the advantage when you're using a phone of also meaning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dude, I'm not playing Candy Crush I'm totally working so don't be thinking I'm not!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course, you had better not ever play anything or text a friend or whatnot when claiming to be using the phone for work :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-07-24T15:20:45.087" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T15:20:45.087" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="816" CreationDate="2017-07-24T15:18:28.100" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is the dean's job; he's probably good at it. If you try to express yourself and do it badly, that's ok, you can back up and say it again another way. The dean will ask you questions and help you to explain yourself. You can start with simple facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't do well in A and B class&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I saw a psychiatrist&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The psychiatrist says X&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I wanted you to know the diagnosis and that I think my performance in those classes is because of it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If you're worried that nerves or anxiety might keep you from remembering all these points, bring in a small notebook and write these items on a page. The book might also be useful to write down things the dean tells you.) After communicating these 4 points, let the conversation happen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I would advise you to prepare, if you can, is an idea of what you want. Do you want some time off to recover, and then resume your studies? Do you want a chance to improve your marks in those courses and not have bad marks on your record later? Do you want some help from the department in your university that helps students with special needs (the disabled, the ill, those with processing disorders etc)? If you have an idea what you would like to ask the dean for, that may make it easier when he asks &quot;how can I help you with this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-07-24T22:48:37.470" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T22:48:37.470" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="807" CreationDate="2017-07-24T15:26:37.453" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this very much depends on your social circle. &#xA;The golden rule is always not to 'outshine' the bride though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often a wedding has a master of ceremonies, best man or other person of contact you can contact to get more info on the dresscode, if it is not already listed on the invite. Nobody is going to be offended if you ask for this, if anything they will find you considerate and will inform you with more detailed guidelines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T15:26:37.453" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="820" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="823" CreationDate="2017-07-24T15:34:33.417" Score="56" ViewCount="10498" Body="&lt;p&gt;A while back, I was sitting in a crowded train. Across from me was a blind individual with a guide dog. I noticed the guide dog was trying to eat a chocolate covered waffle and wanted to warn the person about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because the individual was unknown to me, I tried &quot;Miss, your dog is trying to eat chocolate.&quot; (chocolate can kill a dog) I repeated this several times, but the person was non-responsive. I was always taught not to distract a working dog, so I did not want to approach the dog without the owner's permission. After this, the person next to the guide dog shoved the waffle away with her foot, so the 'problem' was solved. The person directly next to her later spoke to her, so I am positive she could hear, I just wasn't able to get her attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it seems very rude and uncomfortable to me to touch a person you don't know, but what would be another good way to get a blind person's attention? She had no idea I was talking to her as there was a lot going on in the train.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="1685" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T17:35:35.097" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T20:43:04.803" Title="How to get a blind person's attention in a crowded public place?" Tags="&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="820" CreationDate="2017-07-24T15:55:11.280" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the train were too crowded to reach the blind person directly, I would address one of his/her &quot;neighbors&quot; and say something like, &quot;Could you get me the attention of the person next to you? I need to say something about his/her dog.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T15:55:11.280" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="820" CreationDate="2017-07-24T16:00:28.280" Score="63" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was always thought not to distract a working dog, so I did not want to approach the dog without the owners permission. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is normally correct. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Except for safety or life and death issues.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; Chocolate can kill a dog. Even if they are not killed, severe medical issues can result from ingesting a chemical that the dog cannot breakdown. It's essentially poison. You can and should stop that from happening. This is one of the few exceptions for not bothering a service animal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same goes for a person, blind or not. No good pet owner will get mad at you for helping to save their pets life. &lt;strong&gt;It is not rude to reasonably touch someone in that situation to get their attention.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, to answer the other question, for the most part, if you need to get a visually impaired person's attention in a normal situation, you should first do so verbally. If you know their name, that's the best way. Make sure you announce who you are and why you are looking to get their attention. If you still do not have their attention, then a reasonable, respectful light touch on their shoulder/arm/elbow along with announcing yourself would be okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See &lt;a href=&quot;https://frogasia.com/thepond/5-ways-to-help-the-blind-in-malaysia/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://frogasia.com/thepond/5-ways-to-help-the-blind-in-malaysia/&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.gdabvi.org/10-common-questions-about-blindness/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.gdabvi.org/10-common-questions-about-blindness/&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But make sure you actually need to. Normal etiquette still applies. Such as not bothering people on the train.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="410" LastEditorUserId="410" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T19:53:50.267" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T19:53:50.267" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="820" CreationDate="2017-07-24T16:08:38.667" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;Etiquette in immediate situations is necessarily different. While it may seem inappropriate to touch someone or shout in most situations it's generally acceptable when helping others avoid danger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this specific case it would probably have been best to do what the person sitting next to the blind person did. Take the chocolate away from the dog, and then tell the blind person what happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likewise if you saw a teenager so absorbed by their phone that they stepped in front of a moving bus, it wouldn't be seen as inappropriate to shout &quot;look out!&quot; or to grab them by the arm and pull them out of the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When situations involve the potential for imminent bodily harm etiquette takes a back seat to immediacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T16:08:38.667" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="825" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-24T16:10:37.877" Score="9" ViewCount="1484" Body="&lt;p&gt;My father is of &lt;em&gt;Scots-Irish&lt;/em&gt; Appalachian-American heritage but I grew up on the East Coast of the USA and normally speak English with a Philadelphia/Southern New Jersey accent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been interested in reconnecting with some of my roots by intentionally adopting some accent or dialectal features of Appalachian-American English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is this socially acceptable or is it offensive to people who actually grew up in Appalachia?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have considered that it might constitute Cultural Appropriation, but as far as I can tell I have a legitimate claim to cultural membership (in other words, I am reclaiming lost heritage, not stealing someone else's). I travel frequently to Appalachia and get along very well with people there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1672" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T06:37:23.057" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T02:24:54.983" Title="Is it appropriate to adopt features of the dialect or accent of your ancestors?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;cultural-appropriation&gt;&lt;accent&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="825" CreationDate="2017-07-24T17:28:35.940" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is nothing wrong with being interested in various local dialects &amp;amp; accents.  It can be fun to learn them &amp;amp; use it for impersonation, etc, but I do not think most people take to it kindly outside of acting or just learning it in good fun.  My grandfather &amp;amp; grandmother had strong accents, to the point of speaking broken English.  When people tell stories of them, they often tell it by using their accents &amp;amp; I have always found that funnier and charming.  I never met them, so I don't know firsthand what they sounded like.  My mother's 2nd language is English, but she doesn't speak with her parent's accent &amp;amp; I can't imagine why she would.  I would find it odd I think if she attempted to have the accent that she doesn't have, even though she must have had it when young.  She didn't learn English until she went to school.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are words &amp;amp; phrases we use that aren't English or are specific to the small community my mom grew up in.  From being around it so much, even my spouse has gone to using some.  I don't mind.  And from people teasing &amp;amp; telling funny stories of my grandparents, he has picked up &quot;Vy you do dis nonsense?&quot; as it was something apparently my grandmother said a often &amp;amp; it's something he's heard a lot out of various relatives in happy memory of my baba (grandma).  That phrases is generally used when children are being children.  You could for sure pick up words &amp;amp; phrases used commonly in that area &amp;amp; no one would find it weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many words that are regional. An easy example I think of is soda pop, as it's referred to in various ways all over the USA, soda, pop, coke, etc.  It depends on where you are as to what it's called.  There are lots of little things like this that likely go over fine.  I am sure there are a multitude of things like this specific to the region. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T17:28:35.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="828" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:01:50.530" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Israeli person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:44:52.773" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:44:52.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="829" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:01:50.530" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Israel or Israeli culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:44:48.460" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:44:48.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="830" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:07:47.167" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Different people from different parts of the world will all have different accents. Accents can usually be used to help identify from where a person comes from. Not everyone has an accent, and accents can be split up even across a country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone's accent can often make it hard to understand them, and in some rare cases can even lead to bullying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions here should be about issues relating to someones accent, whether it be issues understanding them or an interpersonal issue which is based around someone's accent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regional tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; can be used to describe where the accent is from, however for more complex or mixed accents you can describe it in the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:10:26.850" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:10:26.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="831" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:07:47.167" Score="0" Body="For questions on which a persons accent is important to the question, and how their voice sounds." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:19:36.647" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:19:36.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="832" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:13:09.093" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When people first meet they can leave lasting impressions on each other. First impressions are extremely important, and can often define relationships. Mistakes can sometimes happen during first impressions, and it can be hard to fix them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions here should be about issues that have arisen during the first meeting between people, or even questions about someone's first impressions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:19:16.477" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:19:16.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="833" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:13:09.093" Score="0" Body="Questions about the first time a person meets another, and get's to know them for the very first time." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:21:47.030" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:21:47.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="834" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:20:28.720" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Smoking and vaping are both addicting habits, which a large number of the population do. While more and more laws (mainly in places such as the UK) are being introduced to prevent smoking in public, the rise of vaping means that people are often exposed to people who smoke or vape every day in public places.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions here can be about interacting with others where smoking or vaping forms a key part of the issue/question, or also when interacting with others who smoke or vape.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions here should also be tagged with a location such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;, this is especially important due to the varying laws on smoking and vaping, as well as just the social policies on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As smoking is extremely damaging for health, you can read more about how to quit smoking here, as well as some more of the health effects of smoking:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.nhs.uk/livewell/smoking/Pages/stopsmokingnewhome.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.nhs.uk/livewell/smoking/Pages/stopsmokingnewhome.aspx&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:19:04.783" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:19:04.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="835" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:20:28.720" Score="0" Body="Questions about the social aspects of smoking or vaping or interacting with those who do. " OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="3" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:18:51.440" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:18:51.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="836" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:25:31.717" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Peer pressure typically happens around friends, however can also happen around work colleagues. Peer pressure is when someone is pressured or otherwise feels pressured to perform a certain task (such as smoking, drinking, taking drugs or other activities that are not normal for the person being pressured).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions here can be about being pressured yourself into doing something that you wouldn't normally do (or don't want to do), or around other people being pressured where the pressure is important to the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag can also be used with tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; and also &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T20:32:52.497" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T20:32:52.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="837" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:25:31.717" Score="0" Body="Questions where you, or others feel pressured into performing a certain activity in order to fit in or look &quot;cool&quot; around others, typically friends." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:17:34.850" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:17:34.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="838" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:27:32.870" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-07-24T19:27:32.870" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T19:27:32.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="839" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:27:32.870" Score="0" Body="Questions about the social aspects of physical activity where the activity is particularly relevant to the question. " OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="3" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:21:39.497" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:21:39.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="840" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:31:27.067" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Trust is generally acknowledged as something that is hard to gain; friends often have a fair amount of trust with each other, trusting each other with secrets or other confidential information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions here can be about gaining trust, having trust betrayed in you (or others) or not being trusted yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions here can be tagged with the tag &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/betrayal&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;betrayal&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;betrayal&lt;/a&gt;, provided that the trust in question is being betrayed, or betrayal is also part of the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:19:13.567" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:19:13.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="841" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:31:27.067" Score="0" Body="Questions about trust with others, whether it has been betrayed, gained, or not given." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:20:10.407" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:20:10.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="842" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:49:09.113" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Situations that take place in a restaurant can be a form of &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt;, it can be like this due to it being a night out with friends or work colleagues. There are other examples where it may not be a social-event, as it may just be out for a meal alone, or a meal with others in a non social event situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions here are about situations that occur in a restaurant setting, or where the location being a restaurant plays a key role in the interpersonal issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can also be used with the tag &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt; if the situation is part of a social event, however this tag should be used if the question is important to the situation taking place in a restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:10:18.547" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:10:18.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="843" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-24T19:49:09.113" Score="0" Body="For issues that take place in a restaurant, where the location of a restaurant plays an important part in the question. Can also be questions about interactions in restaurants (such as interacting with restaurant staff)." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-27T19:32:03.333" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T19:32:03.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="845" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-24T21:56:02.410" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-07-24T21:56:02.410" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T21:56:02.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="846" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-24T21:56:02.410" Score="0" Body="If your question is specifically relevant to Stack Exchange, please ask it on meta.stackexchange.com or the meta support of the SE site you're using. These questions should not be asked on Interpersonal Skills." OwnerUserId="16" LastEditorUserId="3" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T16:41:50.740" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T16:41:50.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2" CreationDate="2017-07-24T22:00:59.120" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you both collide because you both have willing diminished your ability to perceive the reality. He because of alcohol abuse* and you because of phone abuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Facit, you both have the same** right to complaint. You should apologize how stupid of you it was and run away. Blaming the other party leads to escalation even if both are sober. Apologizing normally leads to deescalation, which might not work so well when at least one party is drunk, but running away usually handles the rest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*some people claim, that alcohol is meant to be drink, so drinking it can't be considered an abuse&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;**limited to grumbling &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1707" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T22:00:59.120" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="807" CreationDate="2017-07-24T22:27:37.797" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmmm I'm sitting on the other side of the world, New Zealand, and this is a country that has been colonised by the British and Churchianity, so in many strands of our society, white for brides (as a symbol of virginity) has often (but not exclusively) been a norm. 50 years ago, bridesmaids and flower girls were seen in white too, but never 'matrons of honour' (married bridal attendants).  That fits with the 'virginity' symbolism. &#xA;Contemporary weddings of which I am aware have chosen colours for everyone often.  Guests wearing white to weddings?  I suspect that the taboo is only some subsets of US  society&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1709" LastActivityDate="2017-07-24T22:27:37.797" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2" CreationDate="2017-07-25T03:41:16.787" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like others mentioned, running away &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an option considering that the drunk person won't run so well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It just so happens that the onlooking Indians are very good at chasing people, to deliver to them mob justice, assuming the person is robbing the drunk or something. So I'd not recommend running away just like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe a quick &quot;sorry&quot; will ease things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ignore them, walk away taking quick steps, without drawing much attention to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If things escalate, for example, if they attack you, then running away is fine, and if needed shout for help as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that won't work is talking sense into them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. Don't text and walk. You are also equally blameworthy for the collision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm an Indian. I've come across a lot of these jobless drunk idiots on the streets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T03:52:15.580" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T03:52:15.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="851" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-25T06:55:32.260" Score="8" ViewCount="799" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last week I was contacted by a financial planner who was affiliated with the tax accountant firm I go to and they talked about reviewing my Superannuation. When offered an appointment I told them I wasn't sure I needed it but they suggested to book it anyway and when they called I can make up my mind then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I received an email yesterday about what I will need and one of them was my tax file number, something I'm not comfortable providing over the phone. When they called today I told them that I felt I didn't need the review at this time, as I have only been working for about 4 years. However they then talked about how people who get a review on their super are better off in retirement using statistics about how a lot of people end up broke. Ultimately I told them I didn't have my tax file number, but I ended up agreeing to a rescheduled appointment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel if I tell them I don't want to share my tax file number they'll probably say how they keep it secure and they will only use it securely on some Australian Government Web service but I still don't want to unless I do it face to face, which can't be done because these financial planners are in another city two hours away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I get out of a phone appointment for a service I no longer feel comfortable in having?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1724" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T18:52:50.930" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T18:33:18.370" Title="How can I get out of a phone appointment for a service I no longer feel comfortable in having?" Tags="&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="852" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="851" CreationDate="2017-07-25T07:09:57.100" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not a good idea to give your Tax File Number over phone to someone. First think if you really need that service or not. If you don't, then tell them politely that I don't need this. Be firm but not rude while telling this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For latter case, see if they are comfortable meeting you personally. Though they live in a different city, but still you should try to meet them personally. You can ask for it over phone, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need to ask a few things which can't be discussed over phone. Can we meet personally?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they try to refuse to meet you personally, then there is something fishy. Cut the phone right after. If they do agree, check their background to confirm they are exactly what they are pretending to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, it now kinda depends on you whether to give them Tax File Number or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T07:09:57.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="851" CreationDate="2017-07-25T07:43:41.647" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would think that tax file numbers are similar to American Social Security Numbers (essentially how you are tracked by the government for income, your credit score, etc).  I am also leery about who &amp;amp; how I give that information.  It is good to be leery with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, when someone is overly pushy about any service, I know it can be hard to get yourself assertive enough to say no while not feeling like you are being rude.  It really is something that I think just takes practice &amp;amp; you practice by simply doing it.  You can say something simple like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have decided I do not want to do this right now.  If I change my mind I will contact you.  Please do not contact me about this matter again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the states we have a rule that if you ask them to remove you from their call list, they can be fined if they call you again.  So if you have something similar, make sure to ask that they remove you from the contact list.  As far as I am aware, here, merely asking them not to contact you is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; enough to get removed off the list.  You have to actually specify you want off their call list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T18:33:18.370" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T18:33:18.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="820" CreationDate="2017-07-25T07:49:05.907" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have run into this with fully sighted people &amp;amp; I would think the etiquette would be similar, as far as touching someone who doesn't realize you need their attention.  For me it has been with parents &amp;amp; kids.  Maybe mom or dad is distracted with one child while the other is doing something potentially dangerous. In such a case a soft tap with needed info is reasonable as an effort to alert them that something is going on they may want to know.  They can assess what to do from there, but I would always let them know.  I've even done this trying to hand someone something they dropped, etc.  Many times people don't realize you are talking to them. If your purpose for talking to the them is truly for their best interest &amp;amp; in kindness, there should never be harm in a soft tap to let them know you need their attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T07:49:05.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="851" CreationDate="2017-07-25T10:18:26.393" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Dealing with the sales process of companies like this can be tricky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sales process often relies on the fact that many people find it difficult to say no and putting them in a frame of mind to make it even more difficult. It often relies on the 'prospect' not being willing to break social convention or politeness rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have raised concerns and they have brushed them aside in order to move on with their sales process rather than dealing with the issue itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate this type of sales process (I have done a lot of sales training myself over the years). I have found the better way out of the process, rather than putting up blocks with regards to their product or service which they are trained to deal with is to take a step back and make it about the process itself(politely)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but I am not enjoying your sales process. It is not leaving me feeling comfortable or good about what is going on. I feel pressured and I would like it to stop. I understand you have to make sales but I am not going to buy from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to avoid a phone call then put this in an email and simply say you will not be answering your phone to them and consider the meeting cancelled. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must be firm and polite. If they find out that people do not enjoy their sales process then perhaps they will change their methods.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T10:18:26.393" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="856" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="857" CreationDate="2017-07-25T14:34:12.583" Score="18" ViewCount="2910" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have noticed that I am quite a self centered person, and this bothers me. Being social, caring about others and investing in a friendship are things I really value in other people, yet I fail to be like that myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone asks me how I am, how my weekend was, or how my job is I am fine telling people about it, but I always 'forget' to ask them about their day. I mention forget, because I always realise later that I haven't asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I improve this? My friendships never last long and they are hardly ever the person to initiate a conversation or meetup. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it okay to ask again later in the conversation? How can I 'train' myself to be better at this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T03:18:59.097" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T03:18:59.097" Title="How do I become less self-centered?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-01-05T03:19:08.837" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="856" CreationDate="2017-07-25T14:46:51.130" Score="12" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Start by putting the other person first.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've actually had a similar problem. Sometimes it happens when I pass someone in a hallway, or walking outside, or doing something else where I'm absorbed in my own thoughts, and I find myself so startled that the person said anything that all I can say is &quot;I'm good&quot; before they walk away. Alternatively, I come up with a coherent response, but my mind is so frazzled by thinking about little details&lt;sup&gt;[&lt;a href=&quot;https://xkcd.com/1089/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt;]&lt;/sup&gt; that I finish the thought satisfied that I survived that interaction . . . and forget to reciprocate the thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution to the problem involves making sure the other person has a chance to talk before talking yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that the person want's to have a more than just a short, conversation - &lt;strong&gt;I turn the question on &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt; For instance, if someone asks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, HDE, how has your first week of classes been?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll respond&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My classes have been good so far - how have yours been? I heard that the [biology/performing arts/philosophy] class you're signed up for is supposed to be really good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't give myself any time to answer the question because I know that there's a risk that I'll just drone on and on and on and on and on. . . However, I normally trust the other person enough that they'll talk for only a finite time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Once I've given the other person a chance to talk, I'll start answering their original question by &lt;strong&gt;making connections to what they said&lt;/strong&gt;. If they talked about their math class, for instance, I might say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, your professor sounds awesome. My calculus professor is cool, too - his sense of humor has really made my class interesting so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answers part of their question (about my classes) while still staying engaged with what they said.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't talk for too long!&lt;/strong&gt; Your primary objective, letting the other person talk, has been satisfied, and now it's your turn to fit in some of your own details. However, be wary of talking for too long; if you do, you're back to square one! I've made that mistake before, and I've regretted it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility I've tried from time to time is to be the one to start the conversation. You ask the questions, and so if they want to talk, they'll have plenty of time to do so. I originally didn't include this, because I have trouble with it (I'm a pretty shy person, and not good at taking cues about when someone wants to talk), but if you're outgoing enough to want to talk for a while, it shouldn't be a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, your specific situation seems to come up mostly when someone else initiates the conversation, so this isn't as relevant. However, a great way to, overall, become less self-centered (if you think you are - and I don't think you are) is to &lt;strong&gt;take an interest in others&lt;/strong&gt;. Ask the questions - don't wait to be asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T21:37:02.153" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T21:37:02.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="856" CreationDate="2017-07-25T14:48:07.417" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conversations&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone asks you a question, such as &lt;em&gt;How was your weekend?&lt;/em&gt;, and you answer it and remember halfway through your answer that you didn't ask them how their weekend was, simply finish your answer and ask them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get all the way through your answer and forget to ask them, try to bring it up at the end of another topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Training Yourself&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to purposely go out of your way to help others. Start small, like holding the door open for someone behind you or initiating conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something you can try to remind yourself to ask them is to keep your answers to a bare minimum while not making awkward small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; How was your weekend?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Good, got to go out to Lake Pacific. How about you?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should be able to do this without thinking in no time, therefore becoming less self-centered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cheers! :D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="257" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T14:48:07.417" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="820" CreationDate="2017-07-25T17:04:16.097" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally it isn't a problem to touch a blind person on their hand or arm below the elbow to get their attention when getting their attention via sound isn't appropriate or reasonable in the circumstance. I wouldn't grab them, but touching them and then withdrawing is probably going to be OK, again, depending on the circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's unlikely a blind person would hear you in a noisy environment unless you were speaking extremely loudly over-and-above the background noise. For a blind person, getting their attention via sound in a loud environment is like a sighted person being at a rave and someone trying to get their attention from across a crowded dance floor. The sense being used is being overloaded by input and is unlikely to notice additional input.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife is blind, has a guide dog, and doesn't even like to walk by someone mowing their lawn when she's walking with her guide dog because it's disorienting for her. She gets her input via sound in nearly all cases. And she wouldn't have a problem with someone touching her on the hand to get her attention and then telling her that her dog was doing something it shouldn't be doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to the comments about guide dogs eating while on duty, guide dogs must have a very high drive to work in order to be good at their job, and it's been observed that their drive to eat is somehow related to their drive to work. Labradors (the breed of my wife's guide dog) have an incredible drive to eat. They will eat nearly anything. They consume a cup of dog food in about 10 seconds, and that's not exaggerating. They are trained to not eat things that have been dropped on the floor, but the hunger drive in them sometimes wins out. It would not surprise me to see a guide dog attempting to eat food that's close enough to it provided the guide dog is laying down. They're smart enough to know their right from their left, but they're not perfect beings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the topic of service animals and being on duty, a general rule is that if a person with a service animal is in public, that service animal is on duty. For guide dogs specifically, the dog will nearly always have a harness on. That should be the first indication it's on duty. Whether it's guiding or sitting at their feet, if the harness is on it's on duty. Please do not touch a guide dog on duty. The dog is the blind person's eyes. How would you react if someone came up and started touching your eyes without warning?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1744" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T17:04:16.097" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="851" CreationDate="2017-07-25T18:25:01.897" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just give them the consideration that they deserve. Which is very little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell them that you've changed your mind about using their services, that this is &quot;not working out&quot; and that you would &quot;rather not go further with them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't owe them any consideration except to hear them out (the first time). You're the one who has the money and is paying the bills. They are soliciting.&quot; You're doing them the &quot;favor,&quot; they aren't doing you any. In this position, you're the one that has the right to &quot;stop talking&quot; at any time for any reason. Don't let them lay a &quot;guilt trip&quot; on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T18:25:01.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="856" CreationDate="2017-07-25T19:07:33.213" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I remember having this problem when I was in school, and a counselor began by training me to respond &quot;And you?&quot; after being asked, and answering a question like &quot;How are you?&quot; That is a &quot;tag line&quot; that is easy to remember. More to the point, this is part of mimicking or &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/63/what-impact-does-mirroring-have-on-other-people&quot;&gt;&quot;mirroring&quot;&lt;/a&gt; others' behavior, that will help you make friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do this enough, you will automatically start thinking of &quot;other people&quot; when things come up. Over time, your responses will become more sophisticated and varied. You will get a clue that this is happening when you make more friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that this &quot;bothers&quot; you is a good sign. It means that you are aware of your problem and will eventually solve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T19:07:33.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="86" CreationDate="2017-07-25T20:09:25.063" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some say that I'm a man of patience. And every time I hear that, I'm like, you haven't met my mind. I might've already plotted some extremely painful torturing methods for the people who piss me off. But then I find some inanimate object to swear at or play a mobile game where I get to destroy some stuff with ease. In other words I take my anger somewhere else and shove it up there. Family is too precious to ruin over an argument. Destroy a cheap pen or broken phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get into an argument with person who you just met, like a fellow passenger on an airplane, pretending to not give a rat's you-know-where to him/her works like a miracle. When you get your chance to speak address, him by a different name than with which he or she was introduced with. Calling a person by the wrong name shows how much you do not care about that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1753" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T21:22:19.683" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T21:22:19.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="863" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-25T20:24:11.033" Score="17" ViewCount="22200" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this middle aged roommate who is a bit on the talkative side. He keeps talking about his life events and stuff and doesn't bother to ask anything about me. I was OK in the beginning and sort of encouraged him but now I'm tired of him and don't want to listen to silly life stories. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried avoiding him as much as possible but there are unavoidable times when he and I are in the room at the same time. I don't want to come off rude asking him to shut up. So, in short, how do I politely ask him to shut his trap? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My roommate and I are Indians. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1753" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T20:32:27.217" LastActivityDate="2019-05-02T20:50:09.947" Title="How to politely tell someone that I'm not interested to talk with them at the moment?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="864" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-25T20:30:23.530" Score="21" ViewCount="2157" Body="&lt;p&gt;Millions of people use smart speakers in their homes which detect all spoken words in a room and send them across an internet connection to companies such as Google (Google Home), Amazon (Amazon Echo with Alexa), and Apple (HomePod).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a polite way to tell a person that I am only willing to talk to them if they do not operate a device which transmits my words to a third party in this way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1610" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T18:52:42.570" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T18:52:42.570" Title="How to tell someone I only want to speak to them if they don't transmit my words to e.g. Google, Amazon, or Apple?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="863" CreationDate="2017-07-25T20:54:07.253" Score="5" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Don't ask them to shut up; it's rude.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep yourself occupied, look uninterested, unapproachable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, on other occasions talk to them as you normally should, and maintain your friendship. Roommates are an important part of life. Do not leave a bad impression. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You hate the constant boring stories, not the person, and that message they should pick up eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Use your body language.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Folded arms, blank look on your face etc. are examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See also: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wikihow.com/Ignore-Someone&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to Ignore Someone&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Move out.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a reason to change room that doesn't hurt their feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Speak to them about it.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the abovementioned aren't really working or possible solutions, it's time you had a talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time, just briefly respond with something like this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You have a lot of interesting stories to share, and sometimes I like them, but I'm normally more interested in listening to music (and other things) and to just sit back and relax, so I hope you don't mind if I get back to my music (or something).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And make sure you're not coming off as harsh when you say this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I've lived in hostels in India, and shared apartments in Dubai. My roommates were great. Nevertheless, I get the idea.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T05:51:36.430" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T05:51:36.430" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="86" CreationDate="2017-07-25T21:38:53.837" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being willing and able to table things for a while often does wonders. Basically allow yourself to set the issue aside till you feel calm and you've had time to think it through and form a healthy response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Knowing that you get agitated quickly in certain situations can give you the opportunity to tell whoever you're in conflict with that you need to take some time to think it over and get back to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I need to take some time to think this through, let me get back to you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person continues to push, you can always spell it out for them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm getting to ______ to solve this problem right now. Let me get back to you later.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not unlike the &quot;counting to ten&quot; method in principle, but it allows you more time to form a reasonable response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also good to take the time to process what aggravates you about the particular situation, what are your goals in the situation, and what the most pragmatic path to those goals might be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you get from angry with the person, to angry with the situation, to a reasonable solution to the actual problem will differ on a case by case basis, but giving yourself time to make those transitions usually helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T21:38:53.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="816" CreationDate="2017-07-25T21:42:06.363" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is how I'd go about a meeting, thinking back to times I didn't do as well in college as I could have:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know I should be doing better, but I'm not. And it's not because I'm partying.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to use this as an excuse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I need your help with this, and if you have any literature I should read before we meet in the future, let me know. If there are any other ways I should prepare, or notes I should take, let me know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is a follow-up necessary? What is the best use of your time when meeting with students?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Should I have a list of goals before starting the next semester?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope it went well. It looks like the meeting is over now. But a follow-up email saying thanks for the dean's time asking what you can do to make your next meeting happier seems like a good idea, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="185" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T21:42:06.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="869" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="874" CreationDate="2017-07-25T22:08:05.887" Score="44" ViewCount="14227" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an issue with my parents meddling in my personal choices. Let's say they are neutral habits, which means you can't say it's good or bad, like shaking my feet when I'm idle - note that this does not disturb anyone, it's just that they have taken notice of this. There are other things as well (not habit), like work choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that I'm in my 20s, I would like to scream &quot;just stop it, I'm not a child anymore&quot; whenever they do that. This is a bit delicate stuff because I'm still living with them and have no plan to move out except when I get a new job in another city. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this will only happen because they keep on telling me after I asked them to stop, after giving my reasons for disagreeing with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I accomplish this effectively, without offending them at the same time? I don't want them to ignore me when I'm actually asking for advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in Indonesia, so this is more related to Asian culture. We are somewhat affected by western mindset (US, mainly), so I can apply western logic, but with more care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T16:35:57.737" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T16:58:45.807" Title="How to say &quot;I'm an adult now&quot; to my parents?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="864" CreationDate="2017-07-25T22:32:35.247" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;We were gifted one of these for my &quot;children&quot; at Christmas.  I was rather shocked as I do not think this is something you give, as it's a choice to be made that we didn't want, on purpose.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can only hope people respect my requests, as I am not going to snoop around their homes &amp;amp; look to see what is on or off, etc, but I do tell people I do not want to be around devices like this.  At home, all my cameras are covered when not in use, microphones are disabled, etc.  My spouse works in IT, so I think I became aware of potential for these devices a lot sooner than some of our friends.  I also make a point of letting them know I do not like to be photographed, etc without being aware.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think people realize how rude some of this can be to assume it's okay with everyone.  I have cameras all over my home I use to monitor my kids, locations, safety, etc.  My kids are young.  This is not used to spy, but to allow them more freedom of movement (especially the 3 year old) without me having to stop what I need to do all the time to go check on her or make her stay right by me all day.  When I have guests I turn this off.  If they sleep in rooms where I have a camera, I cover the camera &amp;amp; disconnect it to ensure they feel comfortable &amp;amp; welcome.  If I have a sitter I make sure they are aware the cameras are there &amp;amp; that I might check in.  I am not trying to catch anyone doing anything, I am merely trying to monitor the situation &amp;amp; as such I have no need to hide that they are there.  I would feel very rude to use them without making people aware that I am using them.  I think they have a right to consent (or not) to such things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you can ask.  I ask.  I do not find it weird &amp;amp; so far no one has reacted oddly.  That said, for all I know, it may be left on as I do not check &amp;amp; they might have blown it off as me being paranoid &amp;amp; said whatever just to make it sound good &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; they might respect it &amp;amp; turn them off.  I am not speaking about anything that would land me in any trouble anyway no matter who is listening, but it is just the point that I prefer not to be listened to or watched when I am unaware of it.  It might be paranoid to some, it could in fact &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; be paranoid for all I know, but either way, it's how I feel &amp;amp; I think it is okay to tell people you prefer not to be around listening devices and/or cameras. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T22:32:35.247" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="851" CreationDate="2017-07-25T22:42:47.400" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just be firm. That is easier to say than do, I know.  Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I have to cancel my appointment. I am just not&#xA;  ready to take on this job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, just repeat this mantra whatever they say.  Do not explain, do not apologize further, do not agree to accept any materials. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a conversation. Do not reschedule for later.  Do not be receptive if they say they will call back at a time of your convenience. Just repeat:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you, but I am not ready to take on this job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; a job they are trying to get you to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Response to comment &quot;why is it a job?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; You are going to have to spend time with them, listen to them, assemble materials for them, evaluate their recommendations, and see other financial planners for comparison.  (You wouldn't buy your first car from the first dealer you went to, would you.)  Every service someone offers you will involve your doing some work. I'm not arguing against financial planning, but the OP wanted to get rid of this person, and that is the thrust of my answer.  Don't explain any of this to them. Just stick with the mantra. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you get tired, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but my cat just threw up.  I have to go now.  Thanks, and&#xA;  goodbye.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-07-25T22:56:28.940" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T22:56:28.940" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="869" CreationDate="2017-07-25T22:48:58.600" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, people tell other people the reasons for disagreeing because they believe the other person still gets a vote. If a complete stranger came to you and said &quot;stop jiggling your foot like that!&quot; (maybe on the bus, or sitting in a coffee shop) would you explain to them why you like to do it? Or would you just kind of smile? When you choose to argue with your parents on these matters, you're telling yourself (and them) that you need their permission to do these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was a saying in California in the 80's and 90's: &lt;em&gt;thank you for sharing&lt;/em&gt;. It meant sharing your opinions or views, not your possessions, and the underlying meaning was something like &quot;I want to acknowledge in a positive way that you've gone to some effort to tell me your feelings and to open up to me. That's great. Thanks.&quot; But there is no part of it that is &quot;I will be taking your advice&quot; or even &quot;I will not be taking your advice.&quot; It just reacted to the person taking the time to say how they feel. So when someone says &quot;Don't tap your foot&quot; you can probably just ignore them, but when someone starts in on &quot;why are you still in that job, you should have taken that job with your cousin&quot; you can smile and say &quot;I am really glad you want the best for me in my career. Thankyou.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may notice there is nothing in that sentence to argue with. That is kind of the plan. This may not stop them from telling you the same thing over and over but at least you are saying something positive every time, and smiling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-07-25T22:48:58.600" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="874" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="869" CreationDate="2017-07-26T00:36:59.460" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;My point of view is a mix of one time rebellious youth and then a parent's point of view....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents will always be your parents, and parenting doesn't end when you come of age.  To some degree they're likely to always want what's best for you and sometimes push you toward what they think is &quot;best.&quot;  If you're in your twenties and still live at home, they probably think it's perfectly fine to continue to parent you in much the same way they did when you were a teenager.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may need to be independent before asserting your independence. Honestly I learned this the hard way, I moved away from home when I was a teenager and I thought I knew what I was doing... To put it lightly, I really didn't. After many years of learning to be an adult in the school of hard knocks my parents sort of stopped nitpicking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking back on it, after having raised teenage boys myself, I see that it wasn't a matter of me telling them to step back, it was a matter of them watching me handle things on my own. At a point, most parents ease back and treat you more like an adult because you start behaving like an adult. They see you paying your own bills and holding down your own job. They see you starting your own family and they realize that they've done their job pretty well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't tell them that you're an adult, show them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. Try not to give your parents too hard a time. A lot of the annoying things they do will make a lot more sense if/when you have kids of your own. I know it's cliché, but it's true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="1919" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T23:03:53.257" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T23:03:53.257" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="875" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="890" CreationDate="2017-07-26T01:30:21.337" Score="54" ViewCount="10588" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a milestone birthday coming up, and a friend insists on giving me a party.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But please, no presents!  I don't like stuff to begin with, I have everything I need or want already, and am in de-acquisition mode, culling all my stuff and donating most of the excess to charity shops.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ten years ago, the same friend gave me a party for an earlier milestone birthday, and said essentially what I said in the above paragraph, with regard to presents, in her invitations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The result?  Most people brought &quot;just a token gift; I had to bring you &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;  So I walked away with a large bag full of useless token gifts, some of them so useless that I couldn't give them even to a charity shop without blushing.  (Of course, I faked sincere gratitude, and faked it very well and wrote thank-you notes.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any ideas on forestalling token gifts this time?  Asking for donations to charity in lieu of gifts seems crass.  Or is this just something I have to endure for the sake of friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit in response to comments:&lt;/strong&gt; No cultural aspects.  This is WASPS in the suburbs of DC.  As for experiences, my calendar is pretty full already. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T18:41:06.863" LastActivityDate="2019-07-03T04:32:45.923" Title="How do I effectively forestall gifts for my birthday?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-26T02:11:21.093" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Have your friends bring only modest cards to wish you well.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend (USA) who threw her own birthday party, and invited all her friends. She too said &quot;no gifts&quot;, but she mentioned that she treasures cards that show people's feelings and has their names on them. She indeed treasured them and displayed them for quite some time. &lt;strong&gt;She received no gifts.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason this approach may work for you is that it fills the need for someone to &lt;em&gt;bring something&lt;/em&gt;. They bring a card, and it allows them a way to say and feel that they brought something (their best wishes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you can walk away with something you may actually enjoy: a record of people's best wishes for you. And there are easy to dispose of if you read them only once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T02:19:02.397" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T02:19:02.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="863" CreationDate="2017-07-26T02:25:07.773" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would just tell him that you need to have a talk. Then sit him down &amp;amp; explain that you are a person that requires a certain amount of quiet time in a day. I am not sure what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; do, but perhaps insert what you like quiet for, such as reading, relaxing, meditating, whatever.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I talk a lot. My spouse needs quiet. It is okay for him to need quiet. He is not required to be my sounding board for all the thoughts that are in my head. I have learned to seek others to talk to when feeling talkative while he needs quiet. I call family or a friend, go visit, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sure he doesn't want to impose on you. I would simply let him know that you are sometimes a little overwhelmed as you are not used to this much conversation &amp;amp; that you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; like him and you do not want to be offensive, so you need a way to let him know that sometimes you are feeling a little mentally tired &amp;amp; just need some down time and conversation can feel overwhelming at those times. Then when you are feeling overwhelmed you can tell him that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So let's call him &lt;em&gt;John&lt;/em&gt; for this case.  You can say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh John, you have some really interesting life stories &amp;amp; I would love&#xA;  to hear one later, but right now I am half brain dead &amp;amp; just need to&#xA;  listen to some music or read &amp;amp; not think at all. Maybe we can chat&#xA;  later. I'd really like that&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this way, you are able to say what you need and not insult his overly excited desire to talk when you have a serious desire for some quiet. He may just need reminding that he is intense to be around all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My spouse has to remind me sometimes that I have worn out his brain for the day &amp;amp; he needs me to find someone else to interact with. He does it kindly though, so I am never offended &amp;amp; instead I often apologize for not noticing that I have worn him out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="50" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T16:14:26.037" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T16:14:26.037" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-26T03:02:12.007" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;One approach that worked well at a wedding shower I helped arrange was simply to write on the invitation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Gifts?  A monetary gift and / or card is welcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...and later on on the invitation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What to bring?  Your smile.  That's it.  :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point of this kind of approach, which I just noticed that @John pointed out, is that it makes people feel like they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; bringing &lt;strong&gt;something.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also circumvents the fact that in general, at a a party, people feel less uncomfortable being one of the only ones &lt;em&gt;bringing&lt;/em&gt; a gift that one of the only ones who &lt;em&gt;didn't.&lt;/em&gt;  Since they'll feel everyone &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; bringing a card and/or monetary gift, they'll feel like they &lt;em&gt;are doing something,&lt;/em&gt; but that they'll still fit in with the crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T03:02:12.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-26T04:54:04.613" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another idea not mentioned yet is to request that gifts be given to a charity in lieu. For example, setting up a Just Giving page.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The OP mentioned that this might seem crass; One way to make this less crass is to make it clear that not donating at all is perfectly fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't have to get me anything at all for my birthday this year but if you'd like to give something, charity donations to my preferred charity  would be a welcome gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1769" LastEditorUserId="1769" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T19:27:36.527" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T19:27:36.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="856" CreationDate="2017-07-26T06:35:38.010" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;A great book, that actually does cover this precisely is &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0671027034&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to Win Friends &amp;amp; Influence People&lt;/a&gt;&quot; by Dale Carnegie.  It's not nearly as weird as the title might make it sound to you.  I recall finding the title off putting myself when I was young &amp;amp; didn't know what it was about.  It was originally published in 1937 though, so I imagine that influenced the title.  As old as it is, it's just as useful today as it was then as it's all about human psychology &amp;amp; learning how to be well liked.  The basics of that have never changed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do seem to already grasp that you have to show an interest in others, get to know details about them.  You need to remember, at least on occasion, to ask how their brother is doing since his car accident or how someone's dad is recovering from his heart attack, or if their dog is feeling better, etc.  This book talks about all those things, &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they matter so much to people &amp;amp; how to start integrating that behavior into your way of operating.  I think that is the most important part, is it gives you some skills &amp;amp; things to practice to start having it come more naturally to you to remember to be thoughtful during your interactions with others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T06:35:38.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="869" CreationDate="2017-07-26T06:36:47.810" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have parents/a parent like that, my advice is to accept they won't change and learn what you can and can't tell if you wish to avoid those situations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to look up narcissistic personality disorder and the effects of narcissistic parents on children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may or may not apply; I'm not trying to diagnose. This just comes from what I've seen in my own life and lives of friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1774" LastEditorUserId="222" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T13:26:58.513" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T13:26:58.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="884" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-26T07:20:17.797" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask for gift cards/vouchers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This allows people to spend money on you without having to find a present (other than choosing a card).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bonus is that you can spend those vouchers on buying presents for other people or pass them on as gifts to other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T07:20:17.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="249" CreationDate="2017-07-26T08:22:13.497" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make sure you want them to go away first.  I actually started chatting with a couple of young men one day because I had time &amp;amp; they were nice.  They then started dropping by about twice a week, as I would be outside with the kids.  They never did convert me, they were willing to hear about my beliefs &amp;amp; they ended up doing some work for me that I was in need of for absolutely free.  Not only that, I sent them over to an elderly neighbors house to do a few things for him &amp;amp; they were lovely the whole time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I do get it that pushy non-relenting religious door knockers can be people you would rather avoid, but not all who come knocking are like that.  To the rest, I simply say that I am happy to hear them out for up to 5 mins at a time, if then we have 5 mins where I can talk &amp;amp; tell them what I believe &amp;amp; rotate.  Many have no clue what to do with that.  If they do not respect it, then they can leave.  If I don't have time, I simply say that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would never go door to door talking about such things, but I guess deep down I think that they think they are trying to help me, so I can't be too awfully annoyed with them about it, even if I disagree about being in need of any spiritual helping. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T20:21:26.603" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T20:21:26.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="886" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="789" CreationDate="2017-07-26T09:05:23.583" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;With relatives, I like to work on finding out things I want to know &amp;amp; they want to tell.  So I stick to topics that relate to them telling me about their life &amp;amp; experiences either personally or with other family members. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's my uncle let's say, I may ask &quot;So, Jim is the oldest, then you right?&quot; and no joke that alone can start them going.  If I have something more in mind, I may ask questions like &quot;When Suzie was born, you were already in school then?  What grade were you in?  Do you remember that?  Were you happy to have another sibling or kind of annoyed with it all?&quot;  It's fascinating to me to hear stories &amp;amp; usually these kinds of things will spill over into them telling you things they'd never think to tell you otherwise.  If Jim &amp;amp; he are close &amp;amp; age &amp;amp; you feel a little cheeky, I may even ask if they ever dated the same girl or had a crush on the same girl, etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also suppose that since most of my family generally gets along, I am not afraid to step into too many mistakes there. I would keep in mind that if there have been rifts, you may want to be cautious on what you ask to avoid anything you know has been a problem before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now let's say the uncle is instead married to my aunt.  I may ask how they met, their ages, how he knew her, etc.  I may ask something like how old they were when they had their oldest child, then maybe respond with &quot;So you had little Bill then &amp;amp; you lived where?&quot; I just find people often do like to reminisce.  I like to get to know people &amp;amp; although small talk is safe generally, I find it harder to actually &lt;em&gt;enjoy&lt;/em&gt; it &amp;amp; ultimately I can leave an event not feeling at all like anything meaningful was said by me or to me.  So that is how I learned to handle age gaps and have more meaningful conversations.  I also find the same is true with kids too. I can ask my young cousin how old he was when his brother was born, how he felt about that.  I can ask them if they like to ride bikes, then branch into when did they learn, who taught them, etc.  What was learning like?  Scary?  Does their little sister know how to ride yet?  Did they help teach her?  Is she pretty good yet?   And say an older young cousin, you can ask what they are doing these days (if you are unsure if they are in college, or just working &amp;amp; don't want to bring up something that could feel like pressure - such as parents want them in school, but they are declining).  Then branch off from whatever answer, like what made you interested in that?  How long have you been doing that?  Do you like it?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When possible answer positively, simple things like &quot;I am glad to hear you are doing well, liking your job, blah blah&quot;, anything from old stories you can say how much you enjoy the story &amp;amp; how great it is to hear funny things about your grandparents, aunts/uncles/parents, thank them for sharing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In less familial settings I would avoid personal related questions.  I would stick with things that are much more formal &amp;amp; detached like &quot;What sorts of hobbies do you enjoy?&quot;  That is always a good starter as most people like &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt;, even if it's reading &amp;amp; then you can ask what the best book they read lately was &amp;amp; such.  This of course also can work with family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For anyone, avoid questions that might be upsetting without knowing it.  Big ones I know right off would be things like do not ask if people have kids.  If someone is trying &amp;amp; can't or has lost a child recently, that is a topic you never want to start.  Do not ask if they intend to have children either.  Maybe one partner wants to &amp;amp; the other doesn't, so it's a sore spot.  Maybe they can't.  Maybe they don't want to, but do not want to explain why &amp;amp; might feel like people expect an explanation.  Never ask anyone ever if they are pregnant.  Most of the time, if you are decently smart, you would likely not ask without a reasonable suspicion.  However if you happen to be wrong it's so hurtful &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; if you are right, but again, they do not wish to openly discuss it, it's super awkward.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are told sad or bad news, respond simply.  Stick to things like &quot;I am so sorry.  That must be really hard.&quot;  If you feel like you need to say anything more, stick again to simple, &quot;Have you found anything you can do that is helpful to you while you are going through it?&quot;  This can apply to deaths, losses, health issues, financial woes, breakups, you name it.  Do NOT say &quot;at least&quot; or anything that might seem like you could be minimizing how hard it is &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; now, they are aware if there are any silver linings generally &amp;amp; pointing them out can feel like you don't think their pain is a big deal.  Instead stick with kind questions that don't pry.  &quot;Have you been getting enough support? How are the kids doing with it?&quot;  That sort of thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T09:05:23.583" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-26T09:13:57.277" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way I usually use if I can speak/write to a person I ask something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I find you on facebook/instagram/twitter/any_popular_website?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has always worked perfectly well for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastEditorUserId="1785" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T10:00:14.517" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T10:00:14.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-26T09:20:16.387" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask for consumables, e.g., food. Food will only clutter up your life until it is eaten.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You note that your calendar is pretty full, so experiences don't help. However, I assume that even with a full calendar, you will still find the time for eating. And getting some interesting ethnic foodstuffs or bottles of wine you don't know yet might in fact be an interesting and enriching experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Added benefit: many foodstuffs can in fact be consumed at the party itself. (Especially stuff you are not keen on.) Or you can use it in the little thank-you get-together you may want to throw for the friend who is organizing the &quot;actual&quot; party for you. Finally, anything you are still left with (and is unopened) can be donated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go this route, of course you will want to note and allergies or other specific wishes you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1786" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T09:20:16.387" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-26T09:20:31.093" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you asked specifically about the charity I use, I can tell you what I did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We bless ourselves with water&lt;br&gt;&#xA;We cleanse our bodies with water&lt;br&gt;&#xA;We drink water &amp;amp; give it to our plants that grow to feed our bodies&lt;br&gt;&#xA;We wash away bad days, soak away sore bodies, and feel renewed  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And my cup is full.  I have been so blessed in my life, by all the people I love &amp;amp; those who love me, I couldn't possible want for anything more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is in this spirit that I ask you not to gift anything personally to me &amp;amp; instead honor me with a donation, and allow my cup to overflow &amp;amp; bless others with the gift of access to safe water to nourish them the way your love has nourished me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Donation can be made to &lt;a href=&quot;https://thewaterproject.org/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw--DLBRCNARIsAFIwR24UvdueWq49_wvNIWm78GbIGAk7pxgB8I_FKesN-gCLWd2AtdDtzfIaAm_QEALw_wcB&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Water Project&lt;/a&gt; on my behalf if you feel inclined to give.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in case you didn't know (this is not on the invite) it is estimated that 80% of illnesses could be prevented with SAFE water.  Just that alone.  This is always my go to charity. EVERYONE should have something safe to drink, for themselves and for their children.  It shouldn't be a privilege.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.un.org/press/en/2003/sgsm8707.doc.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.un.org/press/en/2003/sgsm8707.doc.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2019-07-03T04:32:45.923" LastActivityDate="2019-07-03T04:32:45.923" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-26T09:37:29.200" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;Giving money is hard for some people, 10 bucks can look like a lot less than a box full of towels from the dollar store that maybe cost you 5 bucks. Bringing nothing is even harder for some people. They realise you are providing them with food and entertainment and they want to repay you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you can totally encourage supporting charities &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; pleasing your friends by letting them give physical gifts. For my 21st birthday I asked for towels, cat/dog food, toys, candy and possibly money to gift to my local shelter. This worked very well and people either brought me the physical products, or something like a dog ball with money taped to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So from these experiences I have a few suggestions:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask people to bring food/drinks/snacks to the party instead of gifts. They don't have to feel upset about anything and you don't leave with things you don't want to have.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask people to bring supplies for people in need for you to donate. (Blankets, clothes, food, shoes)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask people to bring supplies for animals in need for you to donate. (Crates, towels, food, toys)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-27T19:30:42.167" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T19:30:42.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="864" CreationDate="2017-07-26T09:54:58.923" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Those devices probably aren't transmitting everything you say, only words said after the 'wake word', as &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/864/how-to-tell-someone-i-only-want-to-speak-to-them-if-they-dont-transmit-my-words#comment2806_864&quot;&gt;pointed out in the comments&lt;/a&gt;. However, if you don't feel comfortable with the idea of being listened to, &lt;strong&gt;you should speak up and ask&lt;/strong&gt;—generally, these devices have a mute button (e.g. see the button on the &lt;a href=&quot;https://storage.googleapis.com/madebygoog/v1/home/home-learn-device-full-back.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Google Home&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s---K7U0cLr--/c_scale,f_auto,fl_progressive,q_80,w_800/1314697096442379695.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Amazon Echo&lt;/a&gt;), which is very easy to press and disable the microphones entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you'd rather the devices were off completely, I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask that too; turning the devices off completely (at the power cord) isn't a huge amount of trouble if a guest isn't comfortable with the devices running. You could just say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you mind turning off your [Echo/Google Home]? I'm not really comfortable with them, and I'd feel more at ease if they were off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know whether they've got any devices listening, you might be able to start a conversation about the devices. Ask them if they know anything about the devices, and if they do, they'll probably tell you about their setup. That naturally leads on to telling them that you're not happy with the idea of being listened to, and you can take it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, since the solution to your problem is a simple step (pressing a button or switching a device off), the vast majority of reasonable people would accommodate your request. I think of it like this: many people hate spiders, and although I don't personally feel the same way, I do what I can to avoid making others feel unhappy, because the feeling is &lt;em&gt;real to them&lt;/em&gt;. Whether the concern is actually valid or not isn't the question here—&lt;strong&gt;it's the fact that someone's uncomfortable, and I could do something to fix that&lt;/strong&gt;... so that's the polite thing to do. Similarly in this situation, your host might not understand or agree with the problem, but I doubt they'd flat out refuse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do, you have to decide whether to bite the bullet and stay anyway, or accept that and leave. It's difficult for me to tell you the right option here; it depends how strongly &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel about the devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary: &lt;strong&gt;definitely ask and explain  why you feel that way&lt;/strong&gt;; most hosts will accommodate, and it seems fair because it's not a large request. If not, you've got to choose whether it's a big enough issue to leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="222" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T09:54:58.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-26T10:32:46.590" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My last big party I said to everyone: we already have everything we want, so please bring a salad / pudding / starter / cake. Then I made a big list and coordinated it. This worked perfectly, and as they all arrived carrying plates it gave them something to talk about as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ones who are musicians brought instruments and played for us - this is a really good deal if they are pros.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have also been to parties where groups of people were asked to organise entertainment instead of a present - they have a quiz or a silly game with small prizes. Huge fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people still wanted to bring presents, so I said bring a bit of cash if you really must. Then I bought myself a big piece of garden furniture which I had wanted for years, and sent them all a photograph of it being used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T10:32:46.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="556" CreationDate="2017-07-26T10:59:10.507" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get a lot of this. I have different ways of dealing with it - depends who's talking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Colleagues - ha, ha, we can speak English instead if you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Strangers - yupp, been here 30 years and still can't talk properly. Then they say, but you speak really well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mates - vot are you sinking about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teenage children of mates - I have to warn you, I have this nasty nervous tic, if people are mean about my accent I sometimes kick them in the ear, can't help myself, do be careful&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T10:59:10.507" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="894" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="869" CreationDate="2017-07-26T11:02:00.803" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find the best way to communicate something personal to someone is to sit down with them in a non-threatening environment, such as going out for coffee. If you wait until the moment that you become angry and exasperated then your argument may be discounted as over-emotional and inconsiderate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parent[s] deserve[s] your respect, but they may not be aware of your feelings. If they are thoughtful and loving, and if you are honest towards them, I'm going to expect they will listen to you. So book some quality time with them over a drink or meal, and explain that you don't feel you are being treated enough as an adult for your age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always approach from a position of mutual love and respect. You want to honour them, and at the same time you want them to understand you. God bless you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1791" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T11:02:00.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="471" CreationDate="2017-07-26T11:06:46.503" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's a good friend you can say, goodness me, have you been eating garlic? here, have a mint. Have one yourself, to take the edge off it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, grab a mint and offer them one. You can say, oh dear, too much garlic in my food, would you like one too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T11:06:46.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-26T11:09:09.107" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there is a third person in the area whom you know but doesn't know the person whose name you have forgotten, call them over to introduce them to this other person. With any luck, they will both share their names with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[...talking to Alex whose name I have forgotten...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh let me introduce you to my friend John. Hey John come over here!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John comes over and says, &quot;Hi there I'm John what's your name?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi John my name is Alex.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can work, but it can also backfire if the two expect you to do the introducing on their behalf! So be prepared to excuse yourself quickly if that happens!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1791" LastEditorUserId="1791" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T13:11:13.313" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T13:11:13.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="471" CreationDate="2017-07-26T11:27:00.693" Score="7" Body="&lt;h3&gt;To close friends&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Move closer, and hint that their breath smells without drawing others' attention to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;To not-so-close friends&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably stand a little further away, and hope they sense why I did that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;To coworkers&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depends on how friendly we are. Refer the abovementioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;To siblings&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No limit on what I'd say; but not in public though. No formalities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;To strangers&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't mention it. I'd do what I came to do, and move away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T16:14:12.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="210" CreationDate="2017-07-26T12:46:04.783" Score="13" Body="&lt;h2&gt;“Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.”&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;— The Dude, The Big Lebowski (1998).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's definitely impolite, taken out of context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I respond in such fun fashion to friends closest to me and are movie buffs like I am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then wait for them to ask &amp;quot;what?&amp;quot; and then give them my actual response or counter argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Do not attempt this on others.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T12:46:04.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="901" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-26T14:10:24.267" Score="15" ViewCount="4337" Body="&lt;p&gt;I run daily, training in a suburban area with poor sidewalks. From time to time, I'll encounter a pedestrian going in the opposite direction. The sidewalk isn't quite wide enough for us both to pass, so one of us has to move to the side. I'm typically the one to do it; I'm moving faster, and so I'll spend less time in the street, near cars, than the other person. About half the time, the street is a busy one, and half the time, it's quiet. Additionally, if the other person is a dog-walker (or a parent with a stroller), they need a very wide berth, and shouldn't have to bring their pet/child onto the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a typical diagram of the situation (green is a small grass strip, grey is the pavement, and black is part of the street; assume that all parts are flat):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/YyrLk.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/YyrLk.png&quot; alt=&quot;Drawing of a pedestrian and a runner crossing each other&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some friends (also runners) who disagree, stating that it there's no inherent reason for the runner to be the one to move, ignoring cases of dogs and strollers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm wondering what the general etiquette is in the running community. Extenuating circumstances of some sort notwithstanding, in the case of a runner and a walker, is the runner expected to move onto the street unless the other pedestrian does otherwise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-19T18:39:52.437" LastActivityDate="2019-01-19T18:39:52.437" Title="As a runner, should I move onto the road to avoid a collision?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="901" CreationDate="2017-07-26T14:48:39.107" Score="17" Body="&lt;h3&gt;You, the runner, should opt for the road, not the walker.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're running; hence more alert, aware of your surroundings. The walking pedestrian may be daydreaming. Walkers might also have disabilities that you hadn't noticed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're fast moving; you'll clear off the road much sooner than them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're the one disrupting their peaceful stroll, unless the track was meant for runners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plus, a good idea is to announce your presence, &amp;quot;I'm coming up on your right&amp;quot; as per your sketch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;It's even better to just slow down and walk past them.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Roads are not safe for running, unless it's a scarcely populated town and cars passing through that road are slow and rare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't run too often, but on occasions that I did face similar scenarios, I'm usually the one stepping onto the road. I'm an Indian, but currently in the UAE.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T15:11:30.757" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-26T14:51:00.730" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A variant to John's answer is to ask them to prepare a signed photo of best moment with you. This will remind them and you of the memories you had together, and definitely bring laughter​ as you remember those times together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, you could prepare a cardboard or cloth for them to write their wishes for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you can add some twist: add handprint, or kisses if everyone are ladies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T14:51:00.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="904" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="910" CreationDate="2017-07-26T15:16:22.277" Score="12" ViewCount="3303" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend, whom I have known since we were both in 2nd grade (I am in 11th grade now). She has a different set of behaviours for different people. For example, when she's around the people she wants to be friends with, she tries to stay away from people whom she thinks her friends consider 'un-cool', but when she's alone with the same people, she behaves completely differently with them, almost as if they suddenly became useful to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This friend of mine has been helpful at the best of times, and is uncannily smart, due to which I have often needed her help in the past. However, her behaviour has led me to feel that it is not worth being friends with a person who doesn't consider me an equal individual, as I fall into the category of the people who she thinks that her friends consider 'un-cool'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remain friends with her, as I often need her help, and since I've known her for a long time?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop being friends, and make it clear that I don't like her behaviour towards me?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have been friends for a long time, and I truly mean friends, not just acquantainces. She is a truly nice person to her friends, and was one of the nicest people I ever met, but I guess I don't fit into that category anymore, as she has changed with time. When we're together without her other friends, I see her old-self sometimes, and then when her friends come in, she immediately changes. I live in India, and so does she. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm asking for a general piece of advice on situations like this. Should one put an old friendship before a person's rude behaviour, or should only the present condition be considered?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T08:54:32.933" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T08:54:32.933" Title="What should I do in a situation where a friend is completely different depending on if we are alone or with other friends?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-10-24T21:52:06.593" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="905" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-26T15:29:59.177" Score="24" ViewCount="4083" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a good friend who has recently lost the ability to take advice or criticism and has become extremely delusional as a result. It's clear that he has a mental disability of some description and although we (me and other close friends) have tried to accommodate him and give him the support he needs, he has started doing things that are detrimental to his social image and is convinced that anyone that says anything negative about him is &quot;just a hater&quot; or &quot;doesn't know what they're talking about&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He does not have good family support, so trying to go to a family member of his will not work in this situation. He is not getting help from anybody else and if he is left to his own devices he will probably end up in jail or addicted to drugs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put into perspective some of his delusions, he is convinced he is a rap god and will become the new Eminem and at one stage he believed he had superpowers. When he said he had superpowers he literally disappeared for 6 months when we said we don't believe him, abandoned all his old friends (including me), and then went homeless for a short while. I kind of lost touch with him before that situation (as he didn't actually tell me he had superpowers, but other people in our friend group) and I only recently got back in contact with him after he moved home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The guy has a heart of gold and would never hurt anyone, and he was pretty normal up until about 4 years ago. He used to be quite extroverted but in the last year he has been spending a lot of time alone, and is quite shy in most situations now. He was diagnosed with &quot;ADHD&quot; a few years ago, but there were a few inconsistencies in his story when he told me this. I think he may have been diagnosed with something else and told us that it was ADHD. But that's just a hunch and I don't have any way of backing it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell him he needs to get professional help, without making him think that I'm &quot;one of the haters&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="275" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-25T00:35:31.243" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T15:49:53.400" Title="How do I get a delusional friend to seek professional help?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;disability&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="762" CreationDate="2017-07-26T15:48:30.120" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depends on the establishment. If I am paying £10 for a pizza to be delivered it is different to being in a restaurant where I expect a higher level of service since I am effectively paying for it (service charge aside, it all costs more on-site for drinks and food because of the serving staff).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All one can do is voice their concerns to the manager there and then preferably, but an email after may well suffice. As somebody said above the younger staff may not even realise they need for the difference in politeness levels so appreciate that when making your complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if it has not improved, vote with your wallet. One place near me was highly regarded but since the management changed they have had a high turnover of serving staff, all inexperienced and not using appropriate language for the place and of the dozen or so people I have spoken with they cite it as their main reason for not going back there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1815" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T15:48:30.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="904" CreationDate="2017-07-26T16:02:40.943" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if anyone can help you with that. It has everything to do with &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; feelings. Explore them, discuss it with your friend. &quot;2-faced&quot; is kind of natural human political behaviour, and you'll see it commonly with adults, not just kids. The only thing that matters is how it makes &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel. Some people hate political games; some hate associating with people playing; some find it merely annoying or entirely meaningless. Figure out where you stand on the matter :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1729" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T16:02:40.943" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="901" CreationDate="2017-07-26T16:10:13.113" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;How would I like it?&quot; is always a good first question. If you are walking on the sidewalk, and a runner comes up, do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; step aside, or do you expect the runner to do that? I expect you'll find it natural to expect the runner to step aside, as will your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If both of you were simply walking, you would have little difficulty in avoiding each other while staying on the sidewalk. You'd have plenty of time, easy communication, all that. When you run, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; make the situation more complicated, and usually common courtesy would dictate you're the one to take the burden, unless there's a good enough reason not to (e.g. being in a wheel chair). Either step aside, or stop running until you get clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect there may be plenty of cultural differences (I'm European), so the first paragraph is probably more important than the second :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1729" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T16:10:13.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="904" CreationDate="2017-07-26T16:28:47.027" Score="1" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Stay friends with her.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are good and bad sides to every person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She often helps you in a time of need - good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She ignores you when she's around her so-called cool friends - bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just learn to navigate through this. You already have a good start - realizing where you stand. If a convenient time arrives, do mention your concern, and leave it up to her whether to change her behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stay optimistic. Maybe one day she'll find you cooler. Maybe she'll change her ways as well. Who knows. Unlike her, you shouldn't give up on people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T16:28:47.027" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="904" CreationDate="2017-07-26T16:43:14.863" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well if you truly mean she is two faced, that is a deceitful quality associated with being fake.  We all have different sides to ourselves that may come out differently depending on who we are with.  I am very different in different settings.  Some of it is merely etiquette (like at work, with family, with friends, in public versus private, etc) and that is healthy &amp;amp; natural &amp;amp; all people &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; have some level of this.  It's using your internal filter in some cases (like not swearing at work or in front of kids for example, but swearing when with friends), in other cases it's literally just how your personality plays off different personalities.  I am much funnier in general around certain people than others because they bring it out in me.  Some people tell me I am hilarious.  I would bet there are some people that have never thought of me as funny at all, as in a reserved setting, I can totally reign in my silly side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not talking about the benign personality shifts all people have.  You are describing someone who essentially is embarrassed to be associated with you in certain circumstances.  It is also worth noting, that despite the fact that she is behaving in less than stellar ways, you too are somewhat displaying an unflattering characteristic, which is that you are contemplating putting up with her flaws because you want to be able to use her in return as needed.  You do not say how much you enjoy her company when the others aren't around.  You do not speak to the things you like about her as a person at all.  You merely say that she treats you poorly in front of others, but is so smart it's useful to have her around when you have use for that.  That really is the way you can accurately describe &quot;using&quot; a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't sound to me like the two of you really like each other all that well &amp;amp; you both may be guilty of using one another for your own reasons as it suits you.  I don't think you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; friends, as friends don't act like this.  You may be acquaintances, but friendship is something based on mutual respect, admiration, support, possibly other things at times like shared interest/hobbies, similar sense of humor, etc.  It is not about the kinds of things I see you describing here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good news is you do not &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to decide whether to have someone totally in your life or totally out.  You can maintain very loose causal acquaintances with some people, closer with others, and have some extremely close friends.  What I think is most needed here is for you to actually be more objective &amp;amp; realize that if you were once actual friends, that has long since passed when you both started treating one another as less than that &amp;amp; whatever you will be going forward is up to you.  If you want to be friends, act like friends &amp;amp; treat one another with dignity, kindness, respect, and so on.  If you want to maintain a loose acquaintance where you can both perhaps benefit one another when needed, that is a fine way to define it too &amp;amp; likely more accurate to where you are.  If her behavior truly troubles you, or if you find after analyzing that you are also not treating her totally respectably, then you can decide to fix it, or let it go.  All of those things are viable options &amp;amp; ultimately up to you to decide what you feel is what you actually want to have happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T16:43:14.863" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="904" CreationDate="2017-07-26T16:50:58.660" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you ever considered that &lt;strong&gt;you and her are not friends!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that she helps you when you need help alone does not make her a friend, a friendship encompasses more than just providing help when somebody asks you for it. Friends go out, talk to each other about things other than work/school, invite each other to birthday parties etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation you describe sounds more like you are acquaintances, and that she has her own group of friends that she prefers to do the fun stuff with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just a guess based on my own experiences:&lt;/strong&gt; She does not mind helping you, but likes to keep those interactions limited. That might be one of the reasons her attitude toward you changes when she is within her circle of friends. She might not want you as a friend, and she does not want her friends to think you are a friend of her. If her friends think you are her friend, they might feel obliged to invite you into the circle of friends, which is exactly what she does not want! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest just accepting her help as long as it is given without hesitation and dislike. And just keep to your own circle of real friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T16:50:58.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="901" CreationDate="2017-07-26T16:56:00.287" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am from a small Midwest town.  Here all etiquette in every situation where people are intersecting is you defer to the elderly &amp;amp; disabled, then pregnant women or parents with small children, strollers, etc.  This would apply to any place you pass, such as aisles, doorways, sidewalks, etc.  It's never spoken, but everyone has an understood way they operate that is apparent if you pay attention for a short bit in a place where people are moving around one another (such as a shopping center).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In no way would I ever anticipate I am going to move a stroller for a runner &amp;amp; they really don't get a choice (not meant snarky, I am just being literal), since running over the top of me &amp;amp; the stroller isn't a feasible option. And if I do not move, then there really isn't a choice, unless they want to pause &amp;amp; stand aside for me to pass.  I am not familiar with walking a dog (never owned one) but I would think for safety as a runner I'd also give them space.  I am not sure that it would be unreasonable for a dog to have a slightly natural defensive reaction to you running straight at them/the human walking them.  If I was a runner, I too would alter my course and find a new location to run if I felt that the situations I was running into (lots of walkers) was often forcing me to move into a more dangerous situation (street traffic) and seek an area where this wasn't so common.  That could be clouded by where I have lived though as in every place, you can find some place to run, even if it's downtown, that wouldn't force you onto the street to accommodate walking people.  Perhaps in other areas this is different in ways I am unfamiliar with.  It might be a slight inconvenience to take some form of transport to start running from a different start &amp;amp; end point, but if you run often, I would think the safety of your typical route would have to be one of the highest priorities you want to make.  I live in an area great for walking and running (here the runners can pass us easily while everyone is on the path) but dangerous for bikes.  If I want to go for a ride I never start from home.  I load my bike (and my kids if they are going) and then drive the bikes to a starting point that is far less likely to expose us to injury risk.  It is a bit of a hassle.  I can't say it's not.  I can say the hassle of transporting bikes is far less than the real hassle of serious injuries though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T16:56:00.287" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="904" CreationDate="2017-07-26T17:08:19.543" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In your shoes, I would remain &quot;friends&quot; with her but not &quot;good friends.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Not good friends&quot; for the reasons you've mentioned. You might not be able to trust her in a &quot;pinch.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I wouldn't throw away a relationship that appears to be productive, that's been going on for quite a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't go out of my way to make &quot;friends&quot; with someone like this that I just met, but the fact that you've known each other since second grade counts for something (at least to me). And there's a chance that she might &quot;change&quot; later on in life, after she's had a few setbacks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T18:26:54.013" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T18:26:54.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="914" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="863" CreationDate="2017-07-26T17:13:15.647" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would ask my roommate to &quot;defer.&quot; Specifically, I would say something like, &quot;I'd like to catch up with you later. Now is not a good time for me to talk. I am working on/thinking about something right now.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A considerate (but clueless) roommate will honor your request. If this person repeatedly refuses to do so, you might cut him off or find another roommate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T17:13:15.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="905" CreationDate="2017-07-26T17:46:30.363" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend with schizoaffective disorder (definitively diagnosed); the delusions and superpowers sound very familiar.  This is a very difficult problem.  All you can do is be enough of a friend so that he may come to trust you as much as he can trust anyone, which is not much, and this may require more of you than you can manage, and even so come to nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you are unlikely to be able to help until your friend is on meds, which will probably not happen until he is committed as a threat to himself or others (as @threetimes noted).  When -- if -- he is on meds, your support and friendship may help him stay on his meds, or it may not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's good that you want to help, and you can try to be a reliable friend, but there is not much you can do unless your friend wants help.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this sounds defeatist, and it is not what you want to hear.  I am not an expert in mental illness, but I do know that it is not unusual for people with these kinds of disorders to go off their meds: they don't think they are sick.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T04:32:57.077" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T04:32:57.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="901" CreationDate="2017-07-26T18:12:40.377" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a runner in the US. In general, I try to be convenient for others. If it's safe for me to run out on the street to pass someone, and if that means that the other person doesn't have to disrupt their walk, I do that. It's just about making life easier for others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, I've had pedestrians who, when they see me, move over and let me pass. They're also trying to be polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't necessarily about you being a runner. This is just about whether you want to have an attitude where you want to be as considerate as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this is assuming that it's safe to run on the road. If I'm running in the same direction as the traffic, I'll look behind me to make sure that there aren't any cars coming. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is a situation where you need to pass someone and running on the street isn't an option -- say you're running on a narrow trail with trees on both sides -- you first need to communicate to the pedestrian that you need to pass them. Loudly use the phrase &quot;on your left&quot; or &quot;on your right&quot; depending on which side you need to pass them on. In my experience, if you do that, the pedestrian will hear you and know what side you need to pass them on. I've found that pedestrians are usually considerate about this. They don't want to feel like they're slowing you down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't clearly communicate -- say if you run behind the pedestrian in the hopes that they'll notice them -- I've found that pedestrians tend to get upset. People don't like being surprised like this. Think about it: you would feel weird if someone you didn't know was following directly behind you. And if that person was clearly faster than you were, you would feel rushed as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user288" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T10:24:57.040" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T10:24:57.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="918" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="920" CreationDate="2017-07-26T18:13:08.397" Score="27" ViewCount="4033" Body="&lt;p&gt;Occasionally I hear or encounter &quot;it's because I'm &amp;lt;historically oppressed quality&amp;gt;&quot; as a response to an objectionable request to the claimant. The claimant is usually a minor who in my experience is 1.) Not very respectful in general and 2.) Not old enough to really remember when requests/demands &lt;em&gt;typically were because they were &amp;lt;quality&amp;gt;&lt;/em&gt; as a primary reason. They are using this tactic because they apparently have no reasonable response to the request, but don't want to comply or want to be contrary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, in the claimant has derailed the conversation past the point of the request, and any negative thing said to the claimant will be because they are &amp;lt;quality&amp;gt;, with no regard to what was going on. Ex: If I ask the neighbor kids to turn down their music, it's no longer about the fact that the music is disruptive to both my sanity and my windows, it's now about their &amp;lt;quality&amp;gt;. How can I respond to this claim while still maintaining composure and the upper hand?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit in response to @Catija with the reason I'm asking:&lt;/strong&gt; Yesterday I asked my the teenaged children of my neighbor, who are black (I am white), to turn down their garage stereo in the evening (they use the garage as a recreational area). They turned it down, but soon after the request they turned it back up again. I returned slightly more irritated and reminded them not everyone was on summer break, to which they responded &quot;It's because we're black isn't it&quot;. This is in Kansas. At this point I felt like I had no possible response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, I've also heard (in the same vein) &quot;it's because I'm a woman&quot; and &quot;you're doing this because I'm gay&quot;. I could easily extrapolate this behavior to any given minority group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 2: While I understand and appreciate @Passerbyes challenge to the frame of the question (What if I were the problem?), this question works much better if it is read in good faith that I acted based on racially-agnostic motivations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried adding a few tags that I feel could be helpful, but they aren't included as part of this stack. &quot;Bigotry&quot; and &quot;Respect&quot; are both missing and I can't find any synonyms. Could a more veteran user tag this question appropriately?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="374" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T20:57:42.767" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T20:57:42.767" Title="How can I respond to &quot;It's because I'm &lt;historically oppressed quality&gt;&quot; as a rebuttal to a request?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="775" CreationDate="2017-07-26T18:22:03.293" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am sorry you have to go through this daily ordeal. The last sentence of your post says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have tried several ways of dealing with this person, but they either&#xA;  have no effect, or they leave me feeling bad about myself / being&#xA;  scared because of his reaction. How can I deal with him better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, please stop feeling bad about yourself -- that you are &quot;the bad girl.&quot;  You are not. He is harassing you; you are minding your own business.  Yes, it is unfortunate that he has mental problems, but this is not your fault, you cannot solve his problems, life is unfair.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, analyze why you are scared. It is not clear from your post whether he is physically dangerous or just a (horrible) nuisance.  &lt;strong&gt;Has he ever touched a woman?&lt;/strong&gt;  If yes, the situation is acutely dangerous; in the US the police would take it seriously.  If no, that doesn't mean he never will, but the danger is on a lower level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that you just want to go to and from work in peace, but you and the other women may have to get together and work as a group, as @Tom Au suggested.  Options for consideration:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;work out schedules so none of you is ever by yourself in his vicinity &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;hire a lawyer (you can tell I am from the US!) to ask about legal options (restraining order?), and what you can legally do to defend yourself in what specific circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;arrange a self-defense class   &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;get advice from a feminist group  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly support the advice of other posters that you and the other women report every incident of harassment to the police.  And, I repeat: none of this is your fault. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A quick search on Google brought up this article from DutchNews.nl, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dutchnews.nl/news/archives/2017/02/labour-seeks-to-make-sexual-harassment-on-the-streets-as-crime/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Labour seeks to make sexual harassment on the streets a crime&#xA;&lt;/a&gt;. I don't know what the status of this legislation is, but this and other articles I found on the Web indicates that the harrassment of women is too common in the Netherlands. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Acknowledgments:  I'm late to this one, and have suggested some actions that other posters have suggested: Valorum, Tom Au, Monica Cellio, and paul34208. Considering how serious this problem is, repetition is good.             &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T19:48:37.127" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T19:48:37.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="918" CreationDate="2017-07-26T18:43:08.957" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is perfectly reasonable to say no, and give them a legitimate reason for your actions.&lt;/strong&gt; In the loud music example, think of the reasons why you might feel justified in asking them to turn it down. Is it at a time of the day where it is violating municipal noise control bylaws? Are other neighbors bothered by it too? Is the music profane? In any of these cases, you can calmly respond to their accusation with &quot;no, the reason why I want you to turn it down is because it is nearly midnight and I have to work early tomorrow morning&quot;. However, note that if you don't have a legitimate reason then it is possible (depending on context, not sure what exactly you're thinking of) that you might not have a right to request something of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Also as an aside, you may want to be careful with this statement:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...and 2.) Not old enough to really remember when some form or oppressive &gt;request/demand was because they were &amp;lt;&lt;em&gt;quality&lt;/em&gt;&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making the assumption you know exactly what these minors have experienced can have a tendency to escalate a situation. For example, just because a black teenager in the US wasn't around when slavery was prolific doesn't mean they don't experience racism. Again, I don't know what situation you're faced with specifically but I can see how this type of attitude might cause people to feel defensive or dismissive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Added my comment to the original post as per @Catija's request:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;I have been on both sides before! I have rejected a suitor for a date and he proceeded to ask (quite angrily) if it was because of his race. I said no to him and explained my reasons. He did seem to calm down. I suppose I meant in the original post that having reasons allows for a discussion about the request. On the other hand, I did ask someone once if he didn't like a movie character because she was a woman. He gave me reasons, and I told him why I felt his reasons were unreasonable. After our discussion he changed his position on the matter!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1826" LastEditorUserId="1826" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T19:00:37.613" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T19:00:37.613" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="918" CreationDate="2017-07-26T19:40:34.523" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;In some cases people really feel like you wouldn't make the request of someone who wasn't a minority. They might actually be thinking that if they were &quot;white kids playing white music&quot; you wouldn't have a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth understanding the perspective of kids who grow up in oppressed minority groups... If you are routinely treated differently, you come to expect to be treated differently. Their response may have been immature, but it isn't entirely unreasonable to question the motives of others when the motives of others often negatively​ effect them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that out of the way, on to solutions...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than approaching the teens directly, talk to their parents. This may mean waiting till the parents get home, but it's probably a better way to deal with angsty kids. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, sorry to be a bother, but your kids have been blasting their music again. I asked them to turn it down, but they got a little rude about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a general rule it's better to ask parents to deal with their kids. Particularly in neighborly relationships, where you're going to be in close proximity for a long time, it's better to handle things gently and maintain and respect boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the parents aren't an option, for whatever reason, a compromise may go a long way towards​ working things out with the kids themselves.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, nice music! I have to be up early tomorrow, would you mind turning it down after &lt;code&gt;time&lt;/code&gt;? I could care less if you guys want to blast it during the day, but please let us old folks get some sleep at night.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be completely honest, I don't think there's a one size fits all response to &quot;it's because I'm &quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this happens to me my response is usually to question why they feel that way. This accomplishes two things, first it gives them a chance to articulate why they feel I'm being inappropriate, and second It gives me a chance to check my own behavior in that light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes these things are just misunderstandings, but to be completely honest, there have been times where I needed to adjust my behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting a real conversation with someone about race/sex/gender/religion etc. isn't easy, but in my experience both parties usually benefit from the exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.s. You may want to drop the &quot;historically​&quot; part from &quot;historically​ oppressed&quot; while things have gotten a lot better for a lot of groups, there's still a long way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T19:40:34.523" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="923" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-26T20:23:38.300" Score="8" ViewCount="752" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was reading some of the answers to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/499/why-the-closer-the-relationship-is-the-worse-conflict-we-experience/&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; and it got me to thinking.  I can't control another person's reaction to me, but I can perhaps temper my own approach when dealing with conflict.  Knowing why conflicts arise, perhaps I can prevent them from occurring as much or can contribute to reducing their intensity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular, the answer regarding those being closer to us presenting more of a threat seem to ring particularly true.  Can I manage my differences with those closer to me so that I seem less like a threat so as to reduce the amount of stress the other person feels and minimize the amount of actual conflict felt without discounting my own perspective in the matter?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The opinion or actions of a parent, a child, or a spouse feels so personal that it borders on the existential. If my dad is angry at me, this becomes a central, visceral threat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, would finding a different, non-threatening expression of anger (is there such a thing) work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If my kid is failing at social studies, this becomes a reflection upon me as a parent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was the kid in this situation, how could I possibly deflect this reflection?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If my spouse disagrees with me on how to spend our collective budget, this impinges on my way of life and on my central priorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was the spouse, how would I disagree without making it feel like an attack on the other's way of life or their priorities?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The closer another person is to you, the more they seem like a fun house mirror image, and the more even the smallest differences can feel like an attack on your very being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these examples seem to have in common that it is the closeness of the relationship that greatly amplifies what are really small differences and increases conflict. Is there any way to nullify or reduce this effect? As an optimistic person I can't accept the idea that this is just the way it has to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1834" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:36:31.270" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T19:36:31.270" Title="How to temper conflict in close relationships" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-08-18T09:18:38.927" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="924" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-26T20:35:22.443" Score="9" ViewCount="555" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently having driving lessons, and my instructor and I communicate via texts in order to arrange our next lesson. He's always very good in replying, I often didn't have to wait more than 24 hours for a reply. However, it's now been 5 days since I sent this message with no reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Are you free again next Monday the 31st for a lesson?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I remind him about this message in an appropriate way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T14:37:54.143" Title="How to remind an instructor about a message I sent them?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;memory&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="869" CreationDate="2017-07-26T20:40:39.333" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Immediately upon reading your post I was sure it was coming from an Asian household.  Since you are at this age and they still treat you like a child, there is nothing you can say or do that will make them recognize your adulthood.  This is cultural.  I say this as a first generation westerner of Indian descent.  The best you can do is... the best you can do.  As in do the best of which you are capable.  Live your life without apology, succeed or fail by your own decisions and definitely move out.  And if you decide to have children, remember how this feels and instead be supportive as they grow; and be grateful that you get to witness and shepherd them into functional adulthood.  Be that first great rush of wind that allows them to flex their wings.  Let the cycle end with you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1838" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-26T20:49:22.967" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T20:49:22.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="923" CreationDate="2017-07-26T21:31:35.420" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe in any of those situations, and really all situations, a great tool to have is &quot;view-switching.&quot; View-Switching is making an honest effort to understand another point of view about any situation you are considering. When you do view-switching, you recognize that you have your own point of view and then you put it aside long enough so that you can clearly hear or understand other feelings and opinions. When you become comfortable and confident using this tool it will it will start to come naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1844" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T21:31:35.420" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="924" CreationDate="2017-07-26T22:12:49.277" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It's in the best interests of both of you to keep communicating, so repeating the message (more or less) should be OK.&lt;/em&gt; But maybe Monday is no good for them, and they don't want to be negative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need driving lessons and you need to manage your calendar. He doesn't want to lose customers, so he needs to keep in touch with them. Communicating serves both of your purposes. And five days without a response is a fairly long period of time to wait -- especially if it's well outside their normal turnaround time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just repeating the words of the first message may sound a bit mechanical. So you can give a reason for this message like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm trying to juggle some coming events, but I would like to move forward with driving lessons. Is Monday the 31st OK? Or would another day be better for both of us?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The benefit of this approach is it may address a possible concern of theirs that Monday is no good for them. This gives them permission to suggest another time frame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-07-26T22:12:49.277" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="901" CreationDate="2017-07-26T23:19:21.320" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Heres a true story&#xA;My bosses daughter was driving her car when a runner just ran onto the road without looking causing her to brake suddenly so she would not hit him.&#xA;The car behind hit her in the rear and killed her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Roads are for cars, not runners.. people can be killed/ severely injured when people run into areas where there is road traffic without due care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best idea is to slow down and pass the walker carefully or run somewhere else&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1848" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T10:28:31.440" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T10:28:31.440" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="930" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="938" CreationDate="2017-07-27T00:33:09.260" Score="6" ViewCount="1407" Body="&lt;p&gt;What are some methods for handling extreme fandom in dating relationships?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question arises with the new season of Game of Thrones, but I'd like to keep it a little more general. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fandom is a powerful thing, amongst geeks at least, and it seems that managing expectations can be a source of conflict in close relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, I'm a devout zombie fan. I could very happily spend an evening in binging on the cheesiest of zombie related content, while on the other hand many of the people I've dated prefer high fantasy... Don't get me wrong I enjoy this genre as well, but not nearly to the extent that true fans do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes geekery comes in direct conflict. I prefer Star Trek while others prefer Star Wars...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some methods of bringing peaceful discourse between geeks who are avid fans of different things when dating?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-07-27T19:14:41.167" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T15:25:53.800" Title="Dealing with differences in fandom in relationships?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="924" CreationDate="2017-07-27T05:37:24.740" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could ask them to confirm that they received your text, rather than repeating it (more or less) verbatim:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, just wondering if you got my text r.e. Monday 31st about whether you'd be available for a lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way it avoids blaming them for ignoring the text, as it asks indirectly about 'technical issues'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, send it at a time that is appropriate - if you send it in the middle of a lesson, they may read it but forget to reply, because they are concentrating on something else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="532" LastEditorUserId="532" LastEditDate="2017-07-27T14:37:54.143" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T14:37:54.143" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="930" CreationDate="2017-07-27T06:06:19.313" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not sure how I see this as any different than any other hobby one really enjoys.  My husband &amp;amp; I have very different hobbies we both pursue.  I don't anticipate he will enjoy mine &amp;amp; join me &amp;amp; same the other way around.  I have friends that enjoy my hobbies.  He has friends that enjoy his.  Sometimes we may do something together, but largely we do our hobbies separately.  While I have thought at times it might be nice if we shared a hobby we were both passionate about, I can't say I truly think it would be better.  I think for us, it's better that we don't.  It has helped us maintain our own lives while also being a couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If for some reason you have an intense need for someone to share your hobby, then I would suggest finding someone who already loves it.  It is not likely someone will grow to love it by your exposure (though certainly &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt;).  What is more common in such cases, is that when attraction is intense, sometimes a person will be happy to sit through things they do not enjoy because they so intensely enjoy your company at that phase of it, they would sit through anything &amp;amp; be fine.  As the intensity of the draw to be with that person every waking moment wanes (as it should, in a healthy relationship) then the person no longer shows an interest in being around the hobby &amp;amp; that can be a source of being irritated (like they duped you, when that was never what they were intending) or they can be &quot;sick&quot; of your hobby.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my take on it would be that they are always welcome to join you while you enjoy your hobby, but that you have no expectation of them joining &amp;amp; never pressure.  Likewise they should show you that same respect.  And as with any hobby, ensure the time you devote to it isn't so much that it interferes with your ability to have relationships with people that are not directly involved in whatever that hobby is.  If you can't have close relationships with people that are not immersed in your hobby, then you may need to take a step back &amp;amp; put some balance in your life as to how much focus you place on your hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T06:06:19.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="825" CreationDate="2017-07-27T08:09:07.760" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why do you need to do this? People who do have this accent will just think you are making fun of them. What's wrong with the accent you grew up with? It's perfectly fine and nothing to be ashamed of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to adopt the accent then move there and it will come on its own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are interested in your ancestors you can do the family tree stuff, travel to Scotland or Ireland (they are two different countries) and visit old churches and registry offices - the things US Americans seem to love to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe there is a club near you for people who celebrate their ancestry this way? They meet up and wear the costumes and talk the talk. It still isn't real, but it sounds like fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T08:09:07.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="869" CreationDate="2017-07-27T08:15:31.073" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not an Asian thing... my mother (half Welsh, half Irish) still does it to me and I've been moved out and married for years. It's a parent thing and nothing you can do will change it. Unfortunately, you have to live with it, if it pushes you to moving out and living independently then you demonstrate more fully that you are an adult. But they will still treat you as a child at times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It irritates me extremely especially when she goes on and on about something... and I can't even mention her very annoying or self-destructive habits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1865" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T08:15:31.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="703" CreationDate="2017-07-27T08:16:36.453" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your car isn't going further than the boundary of the footpath (as pictured in your diagram) then the manoeuvre does not concern the owner of the driveway as footpaths are public land. However, it is illegal to drive on the pavement. Any pedestrians nearby may find your manoeuvre rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to have a neighbour who got annoyed with people turning around on their drive halfway down a single-track dead-end road, but in this case people would often go right into the drive and do the entire 3-point turn manoeuvre on their property. I think this drive was particularly popular as it was done up nicely, and was flat and open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is a question of pride, and indignation of the drive owner, who has possibly spent a lot of money on their drive so that they could benefit from it, not so that random strangers could benefit from it, and also protectiveness over the vehicles, and other property they have stored on their drive, as they did not expect their private property to be put at risk by a random driver, regardless of how careful the random driver is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others may take the less-offended opinion that it's not harming anyone as long as you're careful, but it is still a bit rude to turn around in someone's driveway. It's also trespassing, however brief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to find a driveway that looks less-cared-for to turn around in, this probably means the owners are more casual about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1863" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T08:16:36.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="924" CreationDate="2017-07-27T08:50:02.393" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's perfectly appropriate to text him again. Nothing rude at all.&#xA;No need to worry about asking again. Do as if it was your 1st time asking, no need to mention your previous message either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [ John ], I wonder if I can have a lesson on Monday 31st ? What time would be fine with you ? Can you please confirm ? (You can also ask for the lesson according to &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; time : I'm available at 10 AM, 1 PM and 4PM, does any of these hours fit your schedule ?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the teacher is often very busy (as I am), and doesn't answer the phone when teaching (as I don't), he may have forgotten to answer (a 5 days delay means most probably he forgot about it though). Better for both of you if you send the message/reminder at least a couple of days before schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also send an email (many have website and contact-form for that purpose, sometimes an online schedule that you can access and book from). This works for me (in case I forgot to answer the phone), because I read them and answer :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;very early (around 8 AM) before going into the car.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;at lunch time (if any ^^).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;late in the evening, after closing the school.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Side note&lt;/em&gt;: 20 years working in a driving school, if this matters. Not in UK, but the answer is most probably OK anywhere else I guess...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Funny fact: I once received a message &lt;strong&gt;8&lt;/strong&gt; days after it was sent, student showed me on her phone :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Drive safely, never text or answer the phone while driving, and all the best for the final test&lt;/strong&gt; :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-07-27T09:51:08.020" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T09:51:08.020" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="901" CreationDate="2017-07-27T08:53:39.627" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, you're aware of the traffic anyway, and wouldn't move into the road unless it's safe. I suggest you should be the one to move into the road. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start by making it obvious to the pedestrian: Move towards the road (onto the grass unless it's very muddy, but I run in cross-country shoes); check the traffic including over your shoulder, while still a couple of seconds away.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point, in the pedestrian's place (possibly with a child, but not a dog), &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would squeeze to the side of the path to let you pass without going on to the road, and acknowledged your presence with some form of visual greeting.  Most dog walkers would pull the dog a bit closer (beware of the ones that don't; they're often the same dogs that will run under your feet).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if the walker doesn't step to the side, you've made it obvious which way you're dodging.  You shouldn't have to break stride in the vast majority of cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a philosophical point of view, I would say that the faster (and more nimble) person should bear the (slight) risk -- if you slowed to match the other person's speed you would eliminate the risk so the onus is on you.  But I prefer a sharing nicely point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1866" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T10:27:58.397" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T10:27:58.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="923" CreationDate="2017-07-27T09:23:54.117" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; It's a hard problem. Be the best communicator you can. Be a good listener. Recognize and set healthy boundaries. Remain calm, proactive, not reactive, use something like meditation if it helps. Watch what you say, filter what you know would upset the other person; it is possible to turn potentially offensive phrases around in a self-deprecating way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well firstly, we will react stronger to things presented as conflict or problems with people closest to us merely because we are more emotionally invested with that person.  It doesn't matter how minor or serious the topic, we invest more.  Secondly, it is common that those closest too us have grown up seeing examples of adult behavior that show it's somehow okay to show &lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt; courtesy, tact &amp;amp; boundaries in what we say &amp;amp; how we say it to those we are close to.  I am not sure I really understand why this is and I know from having friends from other cultures/countries, and from reading, this is a cross-cultural thing.  For some reason, if family doesn't like something, even if it doesn't really impact them, they are far more likely to feel bold enough to comment about it than a stranger or even a friend would, although some friends will too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have to remind ourselves often that we only control our own behavior, as you said.  I also think we can have &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; influence on whether a conflict arises based on that alone.  Since we are only one component though, and conflict occurs between two or more people, we can only account for our portion of that.  You can control your portion in part just by learning how to be the best communicator you can, which means you have to actually research &amp;amp; learn how to effectively communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs &amp;amp; wants with those around you.  There are lots of resources to assist.  This is a a good starter one &amp;amp; you can get the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIY6NLSG6wo&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;free audio on &quot;Crucial Conversations&quot;&lt;/a&gt; here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have read many books on communication, because I add to it as needed.  When I became a parent for instance, I then delved into reading more on how to communicate better as a parent.  It should always be paired with learning to be a truly effective listener as that is as important as being clear in what you say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learning skills on how to understand &amp;amp; recognize healthy boundaries is also crucial.  This will be absolutely critical to a more peaceful relationship if you haven't been taught through example what healthy boundaries are &amp;amp; how to set them.  It has helped my life tremendously to learn boundary significance &amp;amp; how to set them &amp;amp; respect them. Here is &lt;a href=&quot;http://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/1568380305&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;a book on Amazon&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the last component for me in learning how to build better relationships has been a lesson with meditation.  I am sure what helps each person most is entirely personality based.  You just need to find what you feel best helps you to learn how to calmly respond to difficult situations.  It is generally easier to remain calm &amp;amp; level if you are the one bringing up the issue, not always, but often.  The reason for this is that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; knew the conversation was coming.  When something comes up you don't see coming or didn't select timing, learning how to mediate your reaction is harder as you have no preparation time mentally/emotionally.  So meditation helped me to learn how to stop &amp;amp; breathe before I respond to things.  I used to be far more reactive to life.  I was able to gain more skills, through meditation, on how to live more proactively.  Now I am not claiming I do this perfectly nor do I claim meditation is the only way or best way for all people.  I can simply say it's tremendously better than it was &amp;amp; my hope is that it is something I can continue to improve on all the time.  It is part of maintaining the control we all want over our own self, our feelings, our lives.  If we do not learn to control our responses, we are at the mercy of others all the time (as in, they are able to change our mood, our feelings, etc at will, by their behavior) then we essentially are giving away all of our personal power, our control.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The books I linked are just ones I happen to know are pretty good. There are a multitude to choose from &amp;amp; many are slightly tailored to better meet specific types of relationships (such as work, parent/child, spouse, you name it). I have personally found that it is worthwhile to learn about the general ideas first and then go on to also learn more about the dynamics of specific relationships that you find most likely to be troubling in your life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall I have good relationships in life. I have had a long happy marriage so far &amp;amp; anticipate it will remain so. It was not always so peaceful as it is now, but we have both been willing to work on establishing better boundaries, respecting one another's boundaries and on communication. Now had I been the only one trying, this would be much harder to be effective. It is always worthwhile to do the work, even if the other person never does not, but I cannot say my happy marriage is &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; personal effort. It is because we &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; desire to have a loving, respectful relationship that allows each person to be as happy as they can be, while respecting the limits of each other.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I say all that is to make sure I mention the limits of such personal work.  I cannot work on myself enough to make other people healthier. If I devoted 24 hours a day to study bettering all my relationships, there would never be a time that it would be enough to solve them all because I am not the cause of all my relationship difficulties.  I can only solve the pieces that &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; me.  I can also learn to stop taking all things so personally because most things aren't as personal as they seem.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, my sister &amp;amp; I are very different.  She will say things like, &quot;I don't know how you can stand having this old carpet&quot;. This is rude of course.  It is overstepping too. It is like I first said, people closest to you often feel free to say things to someone they love that they would never dare say to a stranger.  But here is the thing. She has to have a relatively fancy home to feel happy with it and with her life. I do not.  I have a modest home because what makes me feel happy with it and with my life is financial security.  As such, I focused on paying it off, versus fixing it up and I would love new carpet eventually, but it's not on my list yet for projects.  I hate debt.  I will not make payments if I do not actually need something, because I prefer that.  What makes &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; feel best is saving money &amp;amp; buying what I want in cash.  She would rather be in debt/make payments &amp;amp; have beautiful things now.  That is fine.  I am absolutely sure she will get it all paid, she is very competent and responsible.  It's just not the way &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; want to do it.  I respect her boundaries and what is not my business.  As such, I would never say to her, &quot;I do not know how you can stand owing money every month, so that your carpet isn't even paid off before you have it half worn out&quot;.  I wouldn't say that because, it wouldn't even occur to me, and because I don't need or want her to live like me in order to feel okay with my life.  If she is happy, then I am happy for her.  She manages her own life quite well and it is her choice how to do that.  If I did comment about how she chooses, then that is more about me than her.  Perhaps it would mean that deep down I wish I felt comfortable to take on credit debt because I do hate that nasty carpet, or perhaps it would be a need I had to act as though &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; way is superior for &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; people.  She has said she is jealous of my &quot;financial freedom&quot;.  I have worked very hard to be debt free.  I always tell her, it has it's own price &amp;amp; some of that is old carpet and that she is &lt;em&gt;highly&lt;/em&gt; capable, so she can't &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want it or she would have it.  I believe this completely.  She can reach any goal she sets for herself.   So I know what she says about my carpet isn't actually personal.  It's not.  I think it's her reminding herself why she has the bills she does &amp;amp; that she is actually okay with that because she likes what it provides in her life.  I tease her when she says she is jealous of the &quot;zero debt&quot; that she can come visit my carpet to remind herself why she doesn't &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to be debt free.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the last point I will make is that if I chose to be offended when she says something about my carpet, then it's my choice to do so.  I don't actually &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to, so I don't.  She has a tremendous number of amazing qualities aside from all of this &amp;amp; I focus on those.  I am sure too there are things about me she is gracefully choosing not to take issue with.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of getting along with people is also knowing you have flaws, and some people will see even flaws in you that you don't see in yourself.  That isn't because you can't see those characteristics, but you personally see them as positive.  My mother finds me far too bold &amp;amp; outspoken.  She sees those as flaws.  I just happen to disagree with her, but I am aware that those aspects can make her uncomfortable, so I try to respect that as well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She would prefer to eat the wrong food at a restaurant that has a mistake, than to &quot;bother&quot; the wait staff.  I would easily tell them there is an error (of course politely) and have it fixed.  If I am with her &amp;amp; I see an error was made in her meal, I do not overstep &amp;amp; wave someone down to fix it.  That would make her uneasy &amp;amp; she would prefer to just eat it.  I respect a healthy boundary by not taking over &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; food.  I set my own healthy boundary by not being infringed on by her preferences so if I were to get the wrong food by mistake, then I feel free to get it corrected.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And sorry for the novel. It's a deep question that requires a deeper answer if you want to actually get everything covered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T06:58:14.537" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T06:58:14.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="918" CreationDate="2017-07-27T09:53:33.170" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not seeing how it is difficult to respond in this specific situation.  You can merely say back, &quot;No, it is because you are being loud &amp;amp; rude since you already are aware the noise level is bothering me&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are times when it is totally reasonable to say that something about you (race gender, etc) may be having a specific impact on an interaction.  If you had people over to visit, sitting around on a hot day, (men, women &amp;amp; children), and a few men had removed their shirts because it was so hot, and then a female sitting there did so, and you asked her to put her shirt back on, then it would be fair to say, &quot;Because I am a woman, right?&quot;  If however, no one else has removed a shirt, except for the woman, then she is being ridiculous to ask such a thing, as there is no precedent to assume her being a woman has impacted the request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is blasting music I hate (country comes to mind for me) then I am &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; likely to request it be turned down than if it's something I typically enjoy.  I think &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; is totally normal though.  If you are going to blast my favorite songs, I am more likely to feel less bothered.  So music selection can for sure impact if you are asked to turn it down or not, in general, for all of us.  In that case, then culture &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; play a role in it. That said, it also isn't a reason to object to a request to turn it down.  When you live closely with other people you really should endeavor not to infringe on their space, with anything, even your noise.  I have kids.  I do not allow them to scream &amp;amp; carry on outside because I assume my child-free neighbors would prefer to not hear it all day.  I don't care that it's noon.  To my knowledge screaming your head off is not a requirement to fun.  It is sad to me that we have such little consideration for one another that we have to rely on noise ordinances to just not be excessively loud.  My neighbors have never complained about it &amp;amp; if they needed to, I'd feel like I messed up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure the neighbor situation you have overall, but for me, I don't usually try to deal directly with teens.  I haven't seen it be terribly effective.  I am polite &amp;amp; kindly address the parents.  There are a few reasons for this.  Firstly, there is the mismatch of power between a minor child &amp;amp; an adult.  So if there is a choice, I will never address the kids directly.  If I must, then I will, and it likely won't be fruitful and I will need to sort out talking to parents later anyway.  That brings me to secondly, which is that I have much better luck getting parents to enforce behaviors on their teens than I could ever hope to get over talking to them myself.  And thirdly, if you talk to the kids first, then the parents, kids will often paint you in a significantly different light than what actually happened.  As I mentioned, this can be because they do in fact see you as a bit more threatening than you see yourself, based on just age.  It can also be because some kids are liar, liar, pants on fire &amp;amp; want to make you out to be unreasonable.  The latter is generally the most likely case, and some parents will believe them, so I'd rather skip that &amp;amp; go straight to mom if I can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T09:53:33.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="947" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="901" CreationDate="2017-07-27T10:03:07.637" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Of course, a lot depends on which side of the road you're on, if you're running on the side that has oncoming traffic coming towards you, then you would be able to see that the road is safe (apart from the odd cyclist), but if it was coming from behind you, you risk turning your head to check and tripping/hitting someone, if you don't look you risk being hit by traffic, so always run towards traffic, like you should when walking on a road with no pavement/sidewalk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often wonder how much further I have to run when running amongst pedestrians, if you count the extra meters it costs you swerving around them. I treat it as a kind of Zen exercise, choosing the path and adjusting my speed to anticipate their movements and exchanging subtle signals as to which of us will adjust which way. This is great until you come across someone staring into their mobile and their reaction when you're close is basically random and very hard to judge, so I'm ready to 'nudge' them out of the way, and I have no regrets about that, as they're behaving badly in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1869" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T10:27:20.793" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T10:27:20.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="249" CreationDate="2017-07-27T10:23:45.203" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Inform them in great detail about why they're going to hell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I used to work near the Mormon HQ in London and none of them ever approached me again after that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can just wave them away and close the door, it's pretty much what they're expecting 99% of the time, there's no real need to break away from that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1669" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T20:22:10.087" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T20:22:10.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="949" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="901" CreationDate="2017-07-27T10:26:52.617" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this a lot when biking. My rule of thumb is &quot;the one who does the action is the one for whom the action is easiest&quot;. This is, of course, open to interpretation, specific cases, the general culture of the participants, ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;pedestrian vs. biker&lt;/strong&gt;: the biker moves, it is easier and quicker for him to change lanes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;car vs. biker, someone has to stop&lt;/strong&gt;: the car stops, it is easier for the car to move again than for the biker&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;car vs. biker, someone has to move&lt;/strong&gt;: the biker moves, he is more agile&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;biker vs. dog on a retractable leash taking the whole road:&lt;/strong&gt; the biker stops, punches the owner, resumes biking&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T10:26:10.357" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T10:26:10.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="951" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="954" CreationDate="2017-07-27T11:07:25.057" Score="60" ViewCount="21878" Body="&lt;p&gt;My father in law refuses to listen to our requests not to work in/on our house during weekdays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, there's a bit of a backstory here. We bought a house 8 months ago, started renovating and during that period we were invited to live at my in-laws. My father in law is already retired and is bored all day. He has the key to our house in case of emergencies etc. When we didn't live in the house yet he was free to work on things whenever he liked. 2 months ago we moved in, but he still comes and goes whenever he likes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We talked about him discussing coming over first, but he gets angry whenever we try. &lt;strong&gt;He throws the 'You should be thankful I'm helping' argument everywhere.&lt;/strong&gt; He now sends a message to his son (my partner) only, but he's often working or can't respond soon enough and then he'll go without having an answer anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This resulted in him showing up in many unfortunate situations. While typing this now I'm working at home due to some circumstances and he just came marching through the door. 'Oh I messaged X but he didn't respond.' and is now working very loud equipment. When I asked him to stop he said it was important he does this today. Perfect working conditions...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next to this he is quite clumsy when we're not around, perhaps because he is getting old. He has broken or damaged multiple things already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time we discuss this issue it ends in a fight or him being offended. We need his help to finish the house, but we'd prefer he comes here only on the weekends. He says he needs his rest on the weekends so he doesn't want to work then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is the only option we have left asking him no to come at all anymore? I'm afraid even asking that will offend him. Normally I'm quite good with turning things my way but however I put it, he finds something to be offended about and will make a whole drama over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T10:01:52.907" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T20:57:48.887" Title="How to ask my father in law to stop entering our house unannounced?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-27T11:15:03.310" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually ask people to donate to a specific charity instead of giving me a gift, you say it sounds crass in your question but when accompanied by a note to the effect of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am very fortunate to call you all my friends and family. The only gift that I need is your company. If you insist, please donate to ______ as it is a great charity and provides for the less fortunate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that this is a valid option because it sounds like you have everything you need, and providing for people that do not is never crass or unacceptable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T11:15:03.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="953" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="951" CreationDate="2017-07-27T11:38:02.210" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Handle this situation carefully.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally it would be best if your father in law has a close friend (preferably another retire) that can come in and have a talk with him.  There are many reasons for this, but in particular one possible cause it could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is someone that gets their &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.gallup.com/poll/175400/workers-sense-identity-job.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;identity from their job/work&lt;/a&gt; then it is possible that your father in law is struggling with being retired, and using this renovation effort to help feel like he still has something to contribute.  If this is the cause then a fellow retiree can give him advice that this is not a constructive way to find ones identity as a retiree and needs to find a different way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many possible reasons why he is acting this way (like he subconsciously does not approve your relationship).  Bringing in a third party that your father in law trusts, respects, and gives good counsel can greatly help find the root cause of this and address it.  If you do not address the root cause, and simply take away his key to the house and hire a contractor to do the work, it would likely cause irreparable harm to your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="551" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T11:38:02.210" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="951" CreationDate="2017-07-27T12:13:31.137" Score="72" Body="&lt;p&gt;From an outsider's perspective:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's your house, so you get to say who can be there when and who gets a key.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's his time, so he gets to say when and if he wants to do work for you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're really still depending on his free work you will have to find a compromise on &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; he works - or in the worst case accept his behaviour. If he doesn't want to work on weekends then you can't make him (and you shouldn't even make him justify why he doesn't want to; it's his time!). Having to suck up to him will be the price you pay for the &quot;free&quot; work he does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe Anketam's solid advice works for you. Maybe you can rope in a relative (mother in law?) to request fil's help for something else (which he likes) in order to keep him busy during the week? Maybe your nephew really needs that treefort built by grandad?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that all comes to nothing and if you're willing and able to pay for someone else to do the work (or find someone else who helps for free) then you can discuss with him one last time (ideally your partner does this) and make it clear that he's only welcome under certain conditions. If he doesn't accept the conditions take away the key or exchange the lock.&#xA;Yes, of course that's going to be painful. If you set and enforce boundaries with someone who clearly has no concept of (your) boundaries someone's going to be upset. I don't see a way around this, to be honest.&#xA;If you enforce boundaries, keep interactions short, neutral, and consistent.&#xA;&quot;Sorry, we've talked about this before: you can't come in and do work today. If you want to work please come back on Saturday.&quot; Then ignore all the drama he throws at you and look as bored as you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;edited to add&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You write in your comments that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We needed, wanted and appreciated his help when we and other family members were collectively working on the house. All other people stopped coming when we moved in, because we requested they did. My FIL is the only person who still feels as if he needs to finish certain things even though we have no rush or do not care about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can try throwing an official &quot;house renovation is over, yay!&quot; party/dinner/whatever, as a ritual to officially signify that, well, the work phase is &lt;em&gt;over now&lt;/em&gt;. Most important guest: father in law. Thank him profusely for his great support (because it sounds like he was really quite supportive) and repeatedly mention &quot;Wow, we're so glad the hot phase is over and we can now relax in the new home you helped us build!&quot;.&#xA;It shows your gratitude, it gives him attention and appreciation, celebrating together is (should be) a joyful activity, and it serves as an official announcement that from now on work on the house will not be norm but the exception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, after the party you have to enforce the boundary - but maybe it sweetens the pill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastEditorUserId="1798" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T10:04:17.277" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T10:04:17.277" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="499" CreationDate="2017-07-27T12:14:43.657" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a number of reasons we would be prone to this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You specify your father.  You and your father get into heated discussions.  So in this case, the elder, your father, is also prone to this.  I doubt it is something he developed recently, so likely your entire life (like most of us, myself included) you witnessed that &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; is how family treat one another from the start.  We have early impressions that stay with us, even before we can remember anything specific.  This is called your implicit memory.  This covers things like how you expect people to act, interact, how you expect people to treat you, etc.  It forms from early infancy based on what you live day to day.  It is what is said to be the reason that children that suffer abuse at very young ages suffer the consequences of that for life, even when they have been treated exceptionally as far back as they can &lt;em&gt;recall&lt;/em&gt;.  The chaos they experienced in early life will forever be part of their implicit memory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can go on to saying that all of this has likely, since your early childhood, been reinforced to you as appropriate behavior culturally.  It is likely you have often seen similar things among all or nearly all the other families you know well.  So then, this is reinforced as a very normal, expected way for family to behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then there is human nature.  It is very difficult to maintain being on one's best behavior at all times.  As such, we are likely to allow our worst behavior to be done around and to those we are closest to for several reasons.  One is that we have to function in society at a certain level to be able to live at all.  You have to have income, you have to get assistance at times from others, even meaning through services you pay for (doctors, car repair, etc).  If we were at our worst out in the world, we could effective alienate ourselves enough that no one wants to bother with is at all.  So we cannot afford to do that.  So we instead bottle up the junk and take it home with us usually.  Then the other reason in part, I am sure, is that we have some level of expectation that the love and bond we share will grant us forgiveness for the bad behaviors.  That is likely true for most of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to recall though, that treating one another well seems to be a relatively recent idea in family settings.  In many places you are permitted to be violent to your own family with no recourse.  Even where I am from (USA) it was permitted for men to beat wives and children for a very long time.  It is only recently we have decided you have a right not to be hit at home.  So we as humans have historically been capable of being pretty awful to those we &quot;love&quot; and seeing that even as normal and having it be an accepted practice within societies.  There have been some cultures historically that were more like now, but many were not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think there are likely a number of reasons we &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; it and the reasons we continue are most likely, like your saying, we accept that as normal.  That said, I do not think we have to and have done my best to raise my family not to with relative success.  My spouse and children are welcome to vent to me and each other and we do.  We do try very hard to treat each other better than we treat anyone else.  We have worked on things with communication and with boundaries and respect.  I think our parenting approach helps us there, as we do not yell, we do spank, we do not take items from them, etc.  We teach and mentor and lead instead, so we do not treat our kids like they owe us more respect than they are given nor that they are less than we are.  I understand they need limits and guidance and they have been given those.  They are not yet capable of making certain decisions and understanding the consequences of certain things.  That is all covered.  The difference is that I do use my position of authority to excuse me treating them ways that are less respectful than I would do with an adult.  The reason I think this helps is it is far removed from how I was raised and it's work to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; do the things that I was raised with.  It is equally hard for my spouse.  So when we are interacting as a family, we are used to already using thought, taking a step back, and being careful how we respond to a situation and once you are used to using this kind of thoughtful approach to your behavior, it is easier then to translate into all the ways you are interacting as a unit.  My hope is that one day, when my kids are all grown (some are, some are young), that this will feel very natural to them to just do automatically, as it's been very hard for me and their dad to try to break that chain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not want what I have said to make it sound like we are taught to treat one another badly.  I think quite the opposite in fact.  I think it comes rather naturally.  I have had all my babies start to want to slap me when angry before they could walk.  They didn't even have to be angry at me, but I was the one closest and there is an instinct for nearly all children to act out physically when upset (hitting, kicking, arching, etc).  I would grab the hand, redirect, teach.  I simply think we accept this part of our natural instincts versus trying to teach a gentler approach, they way we obviously would automatically start teaching our children not to hit us or one another.  Instead, we have overall thought this is the way it is, so we haven't spent the effort it takes to help ourselves get past it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="1652" LastEditDate="2017-07-27T13:07:47.733" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T13:07:47.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="956" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="951" CreationDate="2017-07-27T12:33:48.007" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;At the moment, there is no incentive (other than politeness and pleasing you) for your FIL to do as you wish. You need to make this something that he wants to do. Ideally you would have had this conversation the day you moved out of their house. But the recent incident with you working at home can be a good catalyst too. Try saying something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad (or whatever honorific you use for him), I want to apologize for what happened the other day when you came over to work on our house. We're so grateful that you are renovating our house for us and saving us so much money to get us all set up in the world.  It must have been such a surprise to you that I was at home working, and wanting quiet when you had planned a day with the noisy tools. I guess it really disrupted your week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Pause]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to put you through that again. If I had known you were coming over I would have worked from a coffee shop. Sure, it costs me a little money and hassle, but that's nothing compared to what you're doing for us. I'll gladly do it. Maybe we could make a plan? Some number of days a week - maybe Monday, Wednesday, Thursday? - I will guarantee the house will be empty from 8 am to 6pm. You won't have to message or anything, just come on over. When we get home at night we'll see what you've done, it will be exciting for us! Tuesdays and Thursdays you will have off, you won't normally be here, so we might use the house during the day those days, and weekends of course are for relaxing. I guess if there's something you have to finish and you can't stay away, I won't refuse you, I'll tell [partner] to say &amp;quot;yes&amp;quot; when you message, but we can use those days as the usual plan. Does that sound good? I think it will be more predictable for us both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now he may quibble over which days it is, but if so that's great, he's accepted the premise. He may point out that your partner should respond to messages about coming over - and he has a point. You could get him to agree that if your partner doesn't respond, he'll have to wait and not come over till he gets the response. But all of this is good, because instead of arguing &amp;quot;don't just come over any time, weekends are better for us&amp;quot; &amp;quot;No way, I am too old to work weekends&amp;quot; you're now calmly working together to establish a schedule that works for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also in his interest to know he isn't going to let himself in and discover that you are in the shower and didn't take clothes into the bathroom with you. Or that you and your partner both took the afternoon off work for some, ahem, private time in the kitchen. In a pinch, you can refer to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look, I also really need to apologize for my tone when I was surprised when you arrived. (Pause, look embarrassed, blush if you can.) You see, just an hour before that I was in the shower. And I was horrified at the thought that I might have been in the shower when you came. It got me upset a little. I spoke sharply from that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shouldn't be a complete and total lie, adapt it to something that actually happened (or could have happened) on a day he once came over, such as you were in the living room not wearing something you could really be seen in, or you were in the kitchen and had to remove some clothing because of a spill, or the like. Your FIL doesn't seem to know some of the things that can happen when you surprise people, so if necessary gently allude to some possibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T12:33:48.007" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="85" CreationDate="2017-07-27T13:07:38.913" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a generational shift at work here, at least in the US. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The elder generations are more likely to prefer &lt;em&gt;you're welcome&lt;/em&gt; over &lt;em&gt;no problem.&lt;/em&gt; I once spoke to a retired restaurant manager, for example, who talked about lecturing his waitstaff not to say &lt;em&gt;no problem&lt;/em&gt; to customers. &quot;Of course it's no problem -- it's your job!&quot; he said. In his view, saying &lt;em&gt;no problem&lt;/em&gt; was meaningless at best, and at worst impolite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, attitudes and expectations have shifted, and there is a subtle difference in how the younger generations perceive these phrases. &lt;em&gt;You're welcome&lt;/em&gt; is no longer seen as a default, neutral response to being thanked. Instead, it carries undertones of one or both of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Insincerity, because &lt;em&gt;you're welcome&lt;/em&gt; is what you say when you don't really mean it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Haughtiness, because &lt;em&gt;you're welcome&lt;/em&gt; is what you say when they &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be grateful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By contrast, &lt;em&gt;no problem&lt;/em&gt; is an honest assurance that no lasting trouble was caused, that the matter is now over, that the thanker can go on their way without feeling indebted to you at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To people who perceive these phrases similarly, a sincere &lt;em&gt;no problem&lt;/em&gt; is more polite than &lt;em&gt;you're welcome&lt;/em&gt; in most situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trouble, of course, is that you may encounter people who perceive &lt;em&gt;no problem&lt;/em&gt; as dismissive or disingenuous, like the restaurant manager above, or even some of the other answers to this question. Individual opinions are of course impossible to predict with certainty, but for the most part, I've had success tailoring my responses according to the person's age. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people a generation or two above me, I will sometimes say &lt;em&gt;you're welcome&lt;/em&gt;, because I know they will perceive it as polite. But for my peers, who I can be reasonably sure will interpret these phrases like I do (even if they don't consciously realize it), I will usually say &lt;em&gt;no problem&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1878" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T13:07:38.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="959" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="960" CreationDate="2017-07-27T16:12:56.277" Score="33" ViewCount="8383" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in India. As far as I know, littering is not much of a problem in other countries, but India has always been a place where even the adults teach their children: &quot;&lt;em&gt;Beta, yahin pe phek do, sabhi karte hain&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. (Go ahead and throw it here, as everyone else does it too.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has often been the case that a person has just thrown an empty plastic packet of chips on to the road, and I asked them to pick it up and throw it into a nearby dustbin. Most often, I have been replied to with an open refusal, or an angry face. In fact, the people considered it an insult to them when I asked them to the above-mentioned. They feel as if the road belongs to each and everyone of them, as they &quot;pay taxes on time&quot;, and they treat it as their dustbin/toilet/road. (As in, people even urinate on it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am not insulting anyone here, but I want to know how I can get people to at least pick up their own trash.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I say to them so that they don't take offense, but still do what's needed? I'm doing this as I want a cleaner &#xA;city. The city I live in, Bengaluru/Bangalore used to be known as the Garden City, but now, the newspapers depict it as The Garbage City. There's trash lining every road, and the cows eat out of trash piles (yes, we still have cows on our roads). There aren't any bins for huge road stretches, so even a person who actually cared can't do anything. There's an unhygienic environment everywhere, and nobody cares about it, except when it comes to complaining about the government not doing its job properly, when in reality, it is they who dirty it in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I've already tried:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Picked up the trash and put it into a bin myself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asked them if they dropped something valuable&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pushed it back into their hand, and shamed them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-02-26T15:47:23.440" LastActivityDate="2021-04-03T11:51:20.403" Title="How to politely ask people to pick up the litter they threw, especially if they don't own up" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="959" CreationDate="2017-07-27T16:40:42.857" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;For one, many Indians have no room for hygiene or discipline in their lives. They have this attitude: &quot;Meh, it's already dirty here.&quot; and throw away things onto the streets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I probably would've turned out to be like them - who knows. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I grew up in the Middle East and only go to India for vacations. Here in Dubai, there's actually an AED 1,000/- fine if caught spitting or littering on the street or public areas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I did come across some such careless people in India, I had tried mentioning to them about a nearby trash bin, expecting them to go, &quot;Oh, sorry, I'll use that, thanks&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it works - if they're grown ups, people hanging out with their families and some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, I pick up the paper (or something) they threw onto the walkway and toss it into the bin myself, and I make sure they notice that. At least, by that, I expect them to think about what they just did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, I don't blame them. It's all they have seen, all their lives. We cannot change them just like that. We can however teach our kids to grow up to be  better people in this regard. So, if I see kids littering, I'd inform them of a better way. Kids are the future. Good kids today - good citizens tomorrow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-27T16:46:00.640" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T16:46:00.640" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="864" CreationDate="2017-07-27T17:05:28.227" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a guest in somebody else's house you don't really have the option to tell them how to operate their house. So with that, it seems like your only option would be to say &quot;I don't trust google home/ amazon alexa devices and I don't want to be around them until more regulations are put in place on what can and cannot be recorded. If you'd like to hang out I'm happy to host! But I don't like the idea of speaking around these devices.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1833" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T17:05:28.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="962" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="864" CreationDate="2017-07-27T17:28:37.447" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Think about how you would feel if someone came into your home as a guest and demanded you to turn off your cellphone. That is essentially what you are asking them to do and it is fairly rude to be a guest in someones home and proceed to dictate what they can and cannot use. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no polite way to &quot;tell&quot; them you will not speak to them unless they cave to your demands. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do have the option of asking them to turn it off because it makes you uncomfortable, but giving them an ultimatum (which it sounds like from the question) is completely rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T17:28:37.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="964" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="959" CreationDate="2017-07-27T19:14:41.620" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is not just India. I live in a suburb of Washington DC and two or three times a year, I pick up roadside litter on my road (1.5 miles each side). There is small stuff only -- e.g., cans, plastic bags, bottles. I've posted about this on The Great Outdoors SE.  See &lt;a href=&quot;https://outdoors.stackexchange.com/questions/10541/is-there-any-evidence-one-way-or-the-other-that-adopt-a-highway-programs-red&quot;&gt;https://outdoors.stackexchange.com/questions/10541/is-there-any-evidence-one-way-or-the-other-that-adopt-a-highway-programs-red&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From comments there, it seems that Canada too has littering problem, but that Germany does not because of a &quot;general strong preference for neatness and orderliness&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On almost every litter-pick up trip, someone in a car passing by will shout ridicule at me.  Two or three times, in 30 years of doing the pickup, someone in a passing car has thanked me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this doesn't answer your question.  I think all you can do is set an example, and hope that someone will notice and modify his/her behavior. The only thing I ever say is something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, but I think you dropped your Coke can&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, I frame my remark as doing them a favor -- that they have dropped something valuable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T19:14:41.620" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="825" CreationDate="2017-07-27T19:21:40.320" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's ok to do this occasionally if &quot;Appalachia&quot; is the context of discussion. But do so &quot;sparingly&quot; to make a point. Then revert to your natural speech when you've made your point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might begin by saying, &quot;Naw Ah'm nawt a South'rner...&quot; in a &quot;southern accent,&quot; to illustrate that I'm trying to speak their language and then revert to my normal accent, after &quot;proving&quot; that I can speak &quot;southern.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't do this in ordinary conversation, out of context, because that will come across as artificial and annoying. One exception to this rule might be if you were with Appalachians who speak this way, and were trying to &quot;mirror&quot; them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T19:21:40.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="966" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-07-27T19:42:25.157" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Young adults can range anywhere between 20 to 39, although definitions and opinions, such as Erik Erikson's &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson%27s_stages_of_psychosocial_development&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;stages of human development&lt;/a&gt;, vary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions here can either be posed by someone who can be considered in the age range &quot;young adult&quot;, and where their age is important to the question, and can also be asked when a situation involves someone who could be considered in the age range of &quot;young adult&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="3" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T21:28:13.827" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T21:28:13.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="967" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-07-27T19:42:25.157" Score="0" Body="Only use this tag if age is an important factor! Questions about interacting with young adults (typically 20-39), or questions posed by young adults where their age is particularly relevant. " OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-03-05T20:36:43.720" LastActivityDate="2020-03-05T20:36:43.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="875" CreationDate="2017-07-27T20:19:20.013" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Make the gift time&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My neighbors did this for their daughter's birthday party who was turning 2. What do you get a 2 year old? Another toy they're never going to play with? What we all did was got dirty fixing up an old flower garden. They bought all the wood and dirt and we just showed up with old clothes and maybe a couple garden tools and we fixed it all up!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It wasn't just &amp;quot;oh we got yard work to do&amp;quot; but it was about making something beautiful for their girl to enjoy for years to come. So much more fulfilling than another toy to sit in a box until it gets donated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1633" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T20:19:20.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="825" CreationDate="2017-07-27T20:34:36.667" Score="2" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Unless you develop an accent automatically, I don't think it's appropriate.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will assume you are just &amp;quot;having fun with accents&amp;quot; or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I grew up in the Middle East mostly, moving from city to city, and visited my home country India often for vacation. And therefore, I've been to several different schools and colleges, and exposed to all kinds of people and accents. I've also managed to pick up 4 or 5 Indian languages plus Arabic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more interactions and conversations I have with a particular group of people, the more their accents mix into mine subconsciously. Can't help it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So even when I speak my own mother tongue, some of my relatives find my accent a bit strange and have on occasions asked me what's the deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T20:34:36.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="970" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="825" CreationDate="2017-07-27T20:42:16.217" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your case might be somewhat uncommon, but I think a more common case to be considered is when people specifically try to hide their original accent/dialect in order to 'fit in' more with the people they're speaking to. In a lot of cases, this is seen as &lt;strong&gt;duplicitous&lt;/strong&gt;; if you're trying to hide how you really talk, then what &lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt; are you hiding about yourself? Can anyone really trust anything you say when you're deliberately saying it in an unnatural way? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of cultural appropriation, normally &lt;strong&gt;you aren't the one who gets to decide if you're part of the culture&lt;/strong&gt;; culture is a communal experience, it's created by groups rather than individuals. Birthright often isn't enough, and claiming you're part of a culture because of your ancestry can even be taken as an offense. Basically, in many cases, membership in a culture isn't born or bought, it's earned. This is why 'poser' is an insult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd say the only way it would be appropriate for you to adopt another accent/dialect is to &lt;strong&gt;earn it&lt;/strong&gt;. If you steep yourself in the culture for long enough, some of it is bound to rub off on you, especially if you let it. If you let Appalachia become a part of you, then your claim to its culture will be stronger, and you won't be lying to people by using its accent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you could also just do what you want and not worry about what people think of you. That's a valid option, if you're not concerned about losing friends or making enemies. Other people's opinions shouldn't dictate how you live your life, unless you want them to. I wear skateboarding shoes because I like how they look and feel, actual skateboarders might think less of me for it but that's a risk I'm willing to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="351" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T20:42:16.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="971" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="959" CreationDate="2017-07-27T21:26:05.530" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I haven't been to India; the Indians I have met in western Europe were pretty friendly folks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, the way you describe it I see no point in you asking them. They view you as an agressor, and defend themselves against your advance. Nothing good will usually come from something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shaming them is probably your best route. By that I do not mean to talk to them, but just pointedly pick it up and dispose of it properly for them. Either they get the point (good) or they do not; in the latter case at least there is one piece of litter less, on the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T21:26:05.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="951" CreationDate="2017-07-27T23:43:19.717" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the perspective of someone who's done a bit of contractor work...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you considered that he may just be trying to get the project completed and be done with the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guys, particularly old guys, who've done that sort of work for a living usually like to knock it out and complete the work as quickly as possible. When I worked for a drywall company, they were hesitant to take on projects in occupied homes largely because it made scheduling everything much harder and... Well... It can be annoying to have a customer over your shoulder while you're trying to get things done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to cut the old guy some slack, he's literally saving you thousands of dollars/euros and he's trying to get the thing finished. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it helps, keep in mind that the more he's there, the closer the project gets to completion, and the sooner the project gets done the sooner life will get back to normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to see it from his perspective. He's been doing an awful lot of hard work, for free, and all he gets is hassle about when it's ok to come over and do all of this unpaid hard work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cranky old guys are usually cranky for a reason. He may be rough around the edges, but he really is doing an awful lot for you. Let him do it and be done with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it all boils down to him not knocking before he enters, talk to him about it. Then spend the next couple mornings wrapped in a towel and look mortified if he just walks in... Mostly joking about the towel, it would probably work, but no need when a simple interior throw latch or door chain will do the trick. He may have a key, but adding an extra latch will force him to knock when you're home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-27T23:43:19.717" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="959" CreationDate="2017-07-28T00:32:59.077" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my understanding of the history this used to be a big problem in the US as well. What really made the difference was people taking it up with their local representatives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing to do if you really want to effect real change in your community is to start showing up to local government meetings. It helps if you're loud and consistent.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically start pushing your local government to do something about the litter problem. If you frame it as &quot;we should either pay city workers to clean the streets, or start fining people for littering&quot; they're very likely to lean towards fining people. Money in is usually easier than money out when it comes to government and few politicians shy away from new revenue sources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It probably won't be too hard to drum up support from local businesses who would prefer the streets in front of their shops​ to look clean and inviting. The more people you can bring to support your cause the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It'll take some time and effort, but in the long run it will be much more effective than hassling random people on the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T00:32:59.077" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="975" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="982" CreationDate="2017-07-28T02:08:04.947" Score="68" ViewCount="17088" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently in middle school, and as many of you know, profanity is thrown around in middle school like clothes in a dryer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My religion prohibits me from being profane, how can I tell my friends to stop swearing so that I am not influenced by their actions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For all those wondering what my situation is, I am an 8th grader living in Minnesota. The people I am asking to stop swearing are people who will not believe in my religion, but I would like to still keep them as friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="257" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T14:47:35.243" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T02:09:22.730" Title="How to tell friends something goes against my religion?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;profanity&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="976" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T02:34:00.303" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ah, yes. That stage. I remember it quite well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was exactly like this. I didn't like swearing, but my peers at school would also try and trick me into saying something like &quot;shut up&quot; - which was a big deal since I always made sure not to say it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend you to do two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Stay conscious&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how respectful your friends are of who you are, always remain in control of yourself. From what it sounds, you're friends don't seem to have an awful lot of respect for your beliefs. You will have to stay aware of what is going on around you, and make sure that you &quot;think before you speak.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell them how you feel&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly, this is making you feel very uncomfortable. But why is it making you uncomfortable? Your religion may be one factor, but it's not the only one. Your friends' actions go counter to your values and morals as well. You don't like these actions. So communicate that. &quot;Yo guys. You know I don't like this. Settle down with the language a little bit.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will take time, and you will have to be assertive. Don't back down from you stand for. Every time one of your friends swears, or says something profane, call them out on it. &quot;Hey! Language!&quot; &lt;em&gt;Eventually&lt;/em&gt;, your friends will catch on.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean that you stay away from your friends, just call them out on things you don't like. Be assertive, and don't stand back from what you believe. Eventually, they will adapt and mature a little bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T02:34:00.303" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T02:41:28.907" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most religion asks you to adhere to certain principals, some encourage you to proselytize... (encourage others to join your religion)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The particular religious tradition I was raised in encouraged the &quot;make a friend, be a friend, bring a friend to X&quot; sort of &#xA;proselytizing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically it's often better to be an example, develop a relationship, and then let them ask why you behave the way you do, than it is to preach from on high.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to force others into your way of doing things, let them see that your way is working for you and let them inquire about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I've understood being a clergy brat, most religions don't prohibit witnessing sin, they prohibit commiting sin. Hearing dirty words isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's saying them that gets you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just keep being a good example. Those that see that your stuff is working may come around eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T02:41:28.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T03:58:58.257" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a situation very similar to your school situation.  When I first joined the job, it was the case for a couple employees in particular that every second sentence contained a swear word.  The other sentences were nothing but cussing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick I used was simply to show by my &lt;em&gt;lifestyle&lt;/em&gt; that I didn't approve of their swearing.  This showed itself up in several different ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Don't swear yourself.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kind of obvious, but it actually sets a tone, especially if you can show yourself somewhat outgoing and lead the conversation yourself.  Frequently, people start swearing less&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;And if all else fails...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Show very mild disapproval when someone swears.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, make it disapproval that you fellow students / workers / friends / whatever won't notice consciously.  A very slightly lowered eyebrow, a very slight tightening of the muscles and a very slight withdrawal makes anyone who is subconsciously watching you feel very slightly uncomfortable.  This will actually tend to decrease the amount they swear, since it actually has a very slight &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dance-connection/201010/unwanted-thoughts-snap-the-rubber-band&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Rubber band&quot;&lt;/a&gt; effect.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Steer conversation away from swearing.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be difficult to do in a lot of cases, but occasionally, it is possible to direct the conversation away from some particularly negative experience / situation which is bringing on a lot of profanity.  Being directly involved in the conversation can give you the power to move away from those topics, avoiding the cussing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;*Note: I just pulled out that particular article at random.  You can read about the Rubber Band effect other places as well.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="123" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T10:51:57.580" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T10:51:57.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T04:35:32.640" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I remember saying as a young man, &quot;X is a good guy and he'd be a great guy if he'd cut out the foul language.&quot; He didn't quite do so, but he did &quot;moderate&quot; his language.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your approach will differ slightly from person to person, situation to situation, but there will be opportunities to tell your friends, &quot;I like you, but I'd like you even more if you would stop swearing.&quot; You might even say something like, &quot;you can sound better than that,&quot; or &quot;you can express yourself better than that&quot; after someone swears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd try to keep &quot;religion&quot; out of it, unless someone asks you why you feel the way you do. Just try to sell &quot;not swearing&quot; as being the &quot;right&quot; thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T04:35:32.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="980" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="930" CreationDate="2017-07-28T04:44:25.350" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Fandom&quot; can make or break a relationship, particularly a romantic one. So use it carefully. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some potential couples where one is a fan of say, the Chicago White Sox, and the other is a fan of the Chicago Cubs, and each wants a partner that agrees. or at least is compatible with, their own choice. That kind of relationship may be doomed unless one or the other &quot;converts.&quot; But better to find out sooner than later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, they may view their &quot;opposing&quot; fandoms as a shared passion for baseball and/or Chicago. In that case, a common &quot;fandom&quot; could be a great unifier, even if they agree to disagree on &quot;details.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been told that most great relationships are based on a shared passion, read &quot;fandom.&quot; If so, use it wisely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T04:44:25.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="981" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T04:45:57.740" Score="37" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Don't mention the religion&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only let your friends know that you personally find their constant swearing disturbing. If they care, they will control it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To strangers, don't mention anything. Let them be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My experience&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some close friends back in college hostel used to swear too much. It was considered normal back in their hometown. Swear words were like normal words - these friends didn't realize it would offend others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never use such words myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, I'd give them a 'look of disapproval'. &lt;strong&gt;ಠ_ಠ&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I say in a light-hearted way: &amp;quot;Cool it, man! What's up with the language?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually I noticed a decrease in their swearing - but never completely gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T06:04:41.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="982" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T05:28:38.290" Score="145" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My religion prohibits me from being profane, how can I tell my friends to stop swearing so that I am not influenced by their actions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't. You can't expect other people to follow your religion. If you phrase your request like that, it will likely feel to them like you're asking them to adhere to the rules of your religion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do, is ask them to refrain from swearing around you because it makes you uncomfortable. You may explain that it is because of your religion, but you really should stress that is making &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friends may not follow your —or any— religion, but if they are your &lt;em&gt;friends&lt;/em&gt;, they should have some consideration for your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T07:21:30.667" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T07:21:30.667" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="983" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="959" CreationDate="2017-07-28T06:58:53.323" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've found that behavior change is easier when people don't feel they're threatened or told they're wrong, at which point one's ego comes into play, and provokes a reaction of &quot;Who are you to tell me?&quot; So, say it with a smile, using polite language and with a polite tone of voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they refuse, pick up the trash and throw it in the dust bin. Setting an example works better than finger-pointing. At times, I've felt ashamed for my behavior and changed it. Whenever I've been confronted, I retaliated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BTW, I don't think it's a question of the people (&quot;Indians make a mess&quot;) as much as the surroundings. When we see places that are clean, we &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.livemint.com/Opinion/H0txA6aMRKB0cOqbpj5IjN/Why-no-paan-stains-in-our-Metro-stations.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;keep them so&lt;/a&gt;. But when there's dirt and trash and in general a poor level of upkeep, a little more can't hurt much, can it? In other words, it's the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_windows_theory&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;broken windows theory&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1924" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T06:58:53.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T07:25:50.883" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this is something of a potential minefield if handled incorrectly.  You are young now, but as you get older this won't just be about what's trendy or rebellious; so certain arguments may not age well.  The way you express disapproval is very important.  There are good and bad ways of doing it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have chosen to adopt a belief which is unpopular.  That is your choice, and no one else is obligated to follow it.  If you effectively say to them: &quot;this is against my belief, you must not do this&quot;, that's a dangerous standard to create.  What about when you do something that they don't agree with?  Are you willing to change your behaviour to suit them?  It's a poor way of mediating disputes.  You're basically attempting to command your friends to submit to your authority; that's never going to work amongst peers.  And if it does they will resent you for attempting to control them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people use the phrase &quot;That's offensive&quot;, it's also a bad way of expressing disapproval.  Because again it's an appeal to your authority used to manipulate others.  And what's more this is often irritating because it's so vague.  Like saying &quot;This makes me uncomfortable&quot; it implies you don't trust them, otherwise why would you not be more specific?  Amongst colleagues maybe there's no personal connection so you may not want to get into it, but amongst friends there should be honesty and trust.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally think often people use phrases like &quot;That's offensive&quot; because it allows them to project strength when really something said made them feel angry or sad, and they don't want to appear vulnerable by being honest about that.  But actually when people are honest about their feelings others will be more sympathetic and helpful.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid reacting immediately to swear words with &quot;That's a bad word&quot; or &quot;Stop cussing&quot;.  Both of which may work, but when you get older frankly that sort of thing will come off as babyish and immature.  My pet peeve is &quot;cuss&quot;; the word annoys me because it's like a baby word.  How am I supposed to respect you as an adult if you choose to talk like a small child?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you want to be taken seriously you need to explain to them why this is an issue for you.  You mentioned in a comment that you were swearing in the past, and wish to kick the habit.  In the same way if friends know you're trying to change a routine they will often show solidarity.  That's true of many cases, like exercise, alcohol, smoking, drug use, food choices, etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain to your friends that as you believe X, it means that you feel obligated not to swear.  Unfortunately you find it easy to accidentally swear, because everyone else is doing it, and you would greatly appreciate if they could swear less when you're around.  Say that though this may seem insignificant to them, it means a lot to you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Incidentally, some languages actually have no swear words.  Like Gaelic has absolutely none.  It means when people try and insult each other they have to be creative.  One colleague said that he overheard his son talking to his mother, referring to the &quot;elderly Gorilla&quot;... eventually realising they were referring to him.  So to soften the blow, after explaining your reasons, you may like to add that actually it can be more fun if all of you try and devise creative insults and expletives instead of defaulting to common swear words.  If you can invent funny phrases to substitute swear words they may start using them instead, because they're funny.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To summarise: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lead by example&lt;/strong&gt;: do not swear yourself.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Be honest&lt;/strong&gt;: explain why you have a problem with them swearing (I'm trying to swear less).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Request, never demand&lt;/strong&gt;: phrase this as a request you are making, never an order or demand, especially not by appealing to another authority.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Offer alternatives&lt;/strong&gt;: encourage them away from using swear words by showing how a creative use of language can be even more funny and expressive.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Be realistic&lt;/strong&gt;: do not expect them to change immediately, or to always manage to avoid swearing.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Positive reinforcement&lt;/strong&gt;: if they do swear much less after you've asked, say to them that you've noticed they are swearing less, and you really appreciate the effort they are making.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1923" LastEditorUserId="1923" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T12:40:59.813" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T12:40:59.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T08:06:55.513" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it is more about profanities being thrown around which makes you uncomfortable and in general throwing profanities makes many people (including me) uncomfortable and offended. When I was in school and college years I made it clear to my friends and other that I don't like it and most of the time people around me did not use profanities knowing that I don't like such speech and thus refrain from it while talking to me. Occasionally there were people who were so habitual of speaking profanities that it was not possible for them to not use such language and I simply avoided such people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I also think if you do not make it an necessary religious issue (AFAIK almost every religion prohibits profane speech) but more of social mannerisms issue then people around you are more likely to give you a consideration. Don't turn it into an unnecessary religious issue because it is not. Also you may consider avoiding or ignoring such people to make sure your views on that are communicated in non-verbal manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="504" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T08:06:55.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="986" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="995" CreationDate="2017-07-28T08:20:12.583" Score="19" ViewCount="10534" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few days ago, when I was in office washroom, I saw my colleague leave the tap opened while applying hand-wash. I asked him to never waste water like this again and quickly closed the tap. After that, he said that there is no water problem here. In reply, I said that it doesn't matter whether there is a water problem or not, you shouldn't waste water like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation was about to get out of hand when my team lead approached and handled it calmly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, things are now bad between me and my colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my question is, &lt;strong&gt;how do I ask someone to stop wasting water like this without sounding rude or hurting their feelings, so I can prevent such situations in future?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T13:23:59.050" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T11:16:19.010" Title="How to ask someone to stop wasting water without sounding rude or hurting their feelings?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="986" CreationDate="2017-07-28T08:24:05.290" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;For me it sounds like it wasn't the problem that you asked him, it sounds like you INSISTED on him not doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are no policies preventing this and someone wants to go on with that on purpose you can't insist on that without crossing their lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For any other scenario, this is the typical kind of IPS question that can be answered with &quot;Just &lt;em&gt;ask&lt;/em&gt; for it, in a friendly way&quot; emphasis is on ask in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T08:24:05.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="989" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="959" CreationDate="2017-07-28T08:54:54.310" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;People's behaviors are outside your control. None of those people, even if they choose to listen to you and dispose of their litter properly at the moment, will become non-litterers by your efforts. You could, I guess, become a crusader for non-littering and indeed change some people, but I assume this career path is not something you wish to explore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Be the change you want to see in the world&lt;/em&gt; says an old adage, becoming attached to behaviors of other people (that your emotional state depends on the behavior of strangers on the street) will bring you a world of unhappiness. If India needs to be cleaned, how would it be accomplished? By the virtue of all its own people, it's not only by &lt;em&gt;not littering&lt;/em&gt;, but by making a habit of &lt;em&gt;picking up litter&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't pick up litter because you want to make a lesson out of it, you do it because the world is your home and it is your habit to put things in order. It is what comes naturally to you, and it feels good and correct to do it. You are a pattern of the universe, how wonderful! Be grateful that you understand the lesson, and carry on humbly, making places better by your simple presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1929" LastEditorUserId="1929" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T10:30:11.923" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T10:30:11.923" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="930" CreationDate="2017-07-28T09:46:38.533" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you have a topic you can argue about where the outcome of the argument doesn't really have any major effect on your life? That's great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people approach a relationship with an attitude that any form of conflict must be avoided so you can be a constantly happy lovey-dovey couple. That's a mistake! One of the most important things for maintaining a long-term relationship is having a compatible conflict resolution strategy. In the long term, conflicts about important life decisions can not be avoided (I am not talking about &quot;what movie do we watch tonight&quot;, more like &quot;do we move to this or that city&quot; or &quot;are we ready to have children&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When such a conflict arrives, you and your significant other must have learned how to have a civilized and respectful discussion with each other. You also must have realized that a disagreement is not the end and that your relationship can recover from it. When you haven't done that before the big conflict arrives, your relationship is in serious danger of breaking up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to resolve conflicts with another person is something you have to practice with each person. So don't be afraid of irrelevant arguments, because it helps you to practice how to have an argument with that person without either of you getting hurt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you come to a disagreement about whether or not white walkers are zombies, if the USS Enterprise would win against an imperial star destroyer or how lame it is that every high fantasy author just plagiarizes J.R.R. Tolkien (and we all know that there is exactly one right answer to each of these questions), delve right into it. See how far you can take it, be mad at each other, make up and laugh together about how ridiculous it was to get into a fight about something so trivial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or maybe you actually &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; end up breaking up about something that ridiculous. If you do, your relationship wasn't going to last anyway. It might not seem like that now, but in a few months you will realize it was for the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1943" LastEditorUserId="1943" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T15:25:53.800" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T15:25:53.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="993" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="997" CreationDate="2017-07-28T09:49:18.983" Score="55" ViewCount="42130" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider the following scenario:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have an acquaintance, who would probably be really good at turncoat (the game in which one person has to rapidly switch sides again and again on a topic). Whenever you bring up any topic for conversation, their prime goal is to &lt;em&gt;contradict you and prove you wrong&lt;/em&gt;, regardless of their opinion on the matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, consider the following &lt;em&gt;two hypothetical conversations:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Case 1:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Did you hear of Hyperloop, designed by Elon Musk? Sounds promising, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Are you &lt;em&gt;kidding&lt;/em&gt; me? That sort of technology has been proven to be infeasible by scientists at MIT! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Case 2:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Have you heard of Hyperloop? Far-fetched, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Far-fetched? &lt;em&gt;For your information&lt;/em&gt;, Elon Musk has already started trials of the prototype!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You get the point.They always want to &lt;strong&gt;'prove' you wrong,&lt;/strong&gt; regardless of whether the &lt;strong&gt;'facts' they quote are accurate or not.&lt;/strong&gt; In the hypothetical conversations stated above, they could easily pick either side of the argument and go on to 'prove' they're right!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If their arguments are &lt;strong&gt;weak&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;(consider case 1)&lt;/em&gt;, you often debate with them and defeat them,  but it gives little satisfaction as they just smirk. Plus, you're a pacifist and don't like arguing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would you deal with this irritating habit of your acquaintance?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Update&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks everyone, I found all your answers very helpful! They certainly have helped me deal with such situations better!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1937" LastEditorUserId="1937" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T13:24:30.867" LastActivityDate="2019-07-04T18:12:26.360" Title="Dealing with people who always try to prove you wrong in a conversation" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="21" ClosedDate="2019-07-05T07:23:48.433" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="994" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-28T09:55:07.310" Score="5" ViewCount="2852" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am writing this up, as I have got stuck as to whose side to choose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am 26 years old , working and earning 40K/month. My dad was in Defense Service and he got retired a month ago. My mom is a home maker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had bought a flat from the money which we had got by selling our village land. However, this money wasn't sufficient so we had left with no choice other than taking Home loan from the bank. I was not eligible to take the loan, but my dad was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He agreed to take the loan but on a condition that I will pay the loan amount from my salary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad made a legal contract for the same, and I signed it without even thinking anything because it was for everyone's good, and my dad had told that he will look after home expenses to a small little extent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now after my dads retirement , he left our Home, Us, Me, My mom thinking that we would take his Retirement Bonus money which would be only 20 lakhs (200,000)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I pay 25K for the loan amount and give 13K to my mom for home expenses. I keep approximately 1-2 K for my monthly expenses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While all this was happening they even made me get married also.&#xA;Now my mom thinks I won't look after her after some time, so she is going to divorce my dad so that she can at least get half of the pension amount which my dad is getting .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what to do, whom to approach, whose side to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need them both together, I can't go against any one. What am I supposed to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1941" LastEditorUserId="2247" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T08:14:29.723" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T08:14:29.723" Title="Need opinion to choose either Dad's Side or My Mom's Side during the Worst time" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-07-28T15:01:23.107" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="995" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="986" CreationDate="2017-07-28T10:06:09.513" Score="37" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how do I ask someone to stop wasting water like this without sounding rude ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't, as there's no straight out-of-the-box answer...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You want them to share your POV, therefore, you need to explain the pros and cons. &lt;em&gt;If&lt;/em&gt; they're willing to listen to your arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, the way you asked seems very much too straight (rude) to me, no matter the country you live in.&#xA;Anytime you wish people to do something, it's actually best to show them &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; your point of view is important, and/or why doing it your way improves the whole thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would first apologize to my colleague for being rude.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, explain, with as few words as possible, why &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; care so much about water. If you feel that you catch her/his attention, then carry on, if not, leave it like that. You tried and failed, no big deal, maybe it'll work next time, with someone else... It's like water: &lt;strong&gt;one drop at a time&lt;/strong&gt; :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also, if your manager isn't bothered and if co-workers don't mind, add this kind of quotes in the bathroom (many of them are easily found all around the web):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Thousands have lived without love, not one without water. Please, don't waste.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;We forget that the water cycle and the life cycle are one. Please, don't waste.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: suggested by @Winter's comment: make sure your co-workers agree, so they don't feel upset that you want to &quot;rule the world&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-07-31T08:01:52.187" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T08:01:52.187" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-28T10:22:31.027" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two options come to mind: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't discuss with them at all (what's there to gain?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Agree with what they say and drop the topic until it gets boring for them. &quot;Elon Musk started a prototype? Interesting. Well, I guess then you're right. &lt;em&gt;non-committal shrug&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T10:22:31.027" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-28T10:32:17.637" Score="54" Body="&lt;h1&gt;¯\_(ツ)_/¯&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's almost always a no-win situation when two people argue or debate over something (and especially when temper has reached critical levels).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I suggest is to pretend to agree with them no matter what - but you don't have to actually believe their side. Calculate your risks, though. If this is a matter that will come back to you later, like, your stance on political issues, don't agree or disagree. Just casually shrug it off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a strange advice, yes. But consider this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Did you hear of Hyperloop, designed by Elon Musk? Sounds promising, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: Are you kidding me? That sort of technology has been proven to be infeasible by scientists at MIT!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Oh, yeah? Interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it. They'll go away. You'll be back to your business as usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;: See &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1097/345&quot;&gt;David Mulder's answer&lt;/a&gt; nicely explain why some people behave this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T19:51:50.553" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T19:51:50.553" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="825" CreationDate="2017-07-28T10:51:42.410" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you mean good, then yes, you are allowed to try to speak and practice it, especially with the locals. Go to the Appalachia and speak to old men there. Whom is going to dare to argue the honesty of this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if your wish is to simply speak a language for which you feel no authentic connection, then why bother? The criticism you are hearing is your own: what comes from curiosity is not subject to this kind of self-criticism. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learn the art of self-knowing!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1929" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T10:51:42.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="986" CreationDate="2017-07-28T11:12:53.983" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you wish to enter into the true nature of the problem, observe that you are trying to behave like a parent to someone to whom you are not related. This person is an adult, and does not need to be told what should be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your true objective is to save water, then offer to him to open and close the faucet for him, if he is worth two cents he will begin doing it himself. If not, then you know you are in the presence of a fella with which you want nothing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worth it either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1929" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T11:12:53.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-28T11:26:31.213" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You know all that is to be learned from Elon Musk? Why are you discussing it? Because it's interesting? Great! &quot;tell me all the downsides and I will come back with answers to your objections&quot;. Someone who is truly interested will do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not willing to invest the time, then be light-hearted about it. This person thinks of conversations as boxing matches, and you can play boxing with him, if you like to argue. Or not. Your Choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The secret of changing people is changing your reaction to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1929" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T11:26:31.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T11:36:47.477" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;(Just a little hint: not everyone knows what &quot;8th grade&quot; is, so giving your age would be more useful. I assume you are around 14 or 15 years old.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I tell my friends to stop swearing &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot, period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very tough cookie, which takes some people years or decades to swallow and work around. What to do if other people do or say things that you do not like or want. In my experience and opinion, it is strictly impossible to really change other people by saying a few words to them.  You can force their short-team &lt;em&gt;behaviour&lt;/em&gt; (in extreme cases, like teachers towards benign students, or police towards criminals etc.) but you cannot really change what they &lt;em&gt;really are&lt;/em&gt;, what they are thinking, their character and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It spares you &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; frustration to...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Understand why they are doing it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Equipped with that knowledge: explain (to yourself) that they are not inherently evil or stupid, but that they are logically driven to do it by circumstances (note: a &quot;circumstance&quot; can also be something interal like &quot;puberty is the time where humans actively try to cross borders to check for reactions from their peers&quot; or &quot;in puberty, most people are not mature enough to think through whether their behaviour is good or bad&quot;).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Separate your appreciation for your peers (for their &quot;real&quot; core human being) from such behaviour, which might or might not have complex reasons, which they might or might not be able to influence.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;so that I am not influenced by their actions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you manage to see things for what they are, you should be able to get much more relaxed concerning their actions. The words themselves (the physical movement of air molecules) cannot hurt you. The &lt;em&gt;intention&lt;/em&gt; behind the words should not be able to hurt you either. They are not you, and you are not them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you determine that them using such words somehow shows that they are &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; trying to harm you (as in: beat you up etc.), then of course you react appropriately in whatever way you deem best. Avoiding them, probably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you determine that they are likely still good people, just a bit mislead at the moment, then just accept them as they are and stick with being yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At &lt;em&gt;no point&lt;/em&gt; whatsoever is there &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; reason for you to change yourself to be more like them. You do not need to swear. You do not need to play silly mind games. If they somehome trick you into swearing, you can rest assured that your deity will very likely understand. The important part is that by thinking and asking about these things, you are already showing proof that you are far beyond other people at that age in maturity, and on a good route. Your &lt;em&gt;intentions&lt;/em&gt; are good, that is most likely what counts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to the other question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I tell my friends to stop swearing &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can stay yourself, firmly. Show them that it is possible to be a relaxed, compassionate human being who is fun to be around without you swearing all the time. Don't berate them, don't belittle them, don't lower yourself to their verbal level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it does not work out that way, i.e. if they absolutely &quot;need&quot; the swearing, and they really start to get ugly towards you, then it's time for a bit of separation. You don't need to burn bridges, maybe just reduce your time together a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclosure: I have no religion myself, but I have some other very specific and fundamental convictions regarding ethics, morals or every day things; I had many phases where I was like you in that I &quot;knew what was best for everyone&quot; and tried to change people around me. Stay away from that folly. Be a positive example, but that's about it. I would not even mention your religion in any way, regarding this, you will very likely get bad results for that (they might start swearing specifically at your religion and such).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T11:36:47.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T11:41:15.273" Score="40" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My &lt;strong&gt;religion prohibits me&lt;/strong&gt; from being profane, &lt;strong&gt;how can I tell my friends to stop&lt;/strong&gt; swearing so that I am not influenced by their actions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking your personal beliefs and imposing it on your friends who do not share your beliefs is not likely to work out well in middle school, or life in general. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They do not follow your religion and cannot be expected to follow your religion. Your religion prohibits you from swearing, not them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My religion prohibits me from being profane, how can I tell my friends to stop swearing &lt;strong&gt;so that I am not influenced&lt;/strong&gt; by their actions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say it is so they do not  influence you, but in reality only you can control what does and does not influence you. You will be surrounded by profanity for your entire life and it is unreasonable to expect everyone to cave to your personal beliefs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you can do:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not swear yourself. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask your friends to tone it down if it makes you uncomfortable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(Middle School Specific) Jokingly make fun of your friends who swear for no reason. Phrases like &quot;Wow with all that swearing you must be really cool s/&quot; and &quot;What does all that swearing have to do with what you said? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T11:41:15.273" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1005" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T12:44:03.623" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sure, it's okay to be a prig sometimes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I mean that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's everyone's right, and we don't really need to use the word, &quot;prig&quot;, either. We have the right to express an unpopular opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it's also okay to try to understand your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's try to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is it called swearing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your religion admits to the ten commandments given to Moses, you will note that it doesn't say, &quot;Don't swear!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It says, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following is not a Bible lesson, it's a bit of history on the reason we call this particular mode of emphatic speech &quot;swearing&quot;, and &quot;profane&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Invoking the name of deity used to be roughly equivalent to what signing a contract is now. (Roughly.) It was a strong assertion of the will to do something, or not to do something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's more to it than this, but I don't want to spoil the discovery for you. Study it out in your own history books and/or scriptures, and you will find much better answers than you will get here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But remember to think while you do so. Thinking is where you get the answers. (And if you are inclined towards religion, an attitude of prayer can help the thinking processes.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what is profanity? What does profane mean?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strike&gt;I'll skip a bit, leave you to discover that one, as well, and tell you some of my opinions.&lt;/strike&gt; I am told I must not skip this or I will be making this a bible lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To understand the meaning of the word &lt;em&gt;profanity&lt;/em&gt;, we need to understand the word, &quot;sacred&quot;. It's a word common to many religions and philosophies. The word &lt;em&gt;sacred&lt;/em&gt; means &quot;set apart&quot; from the things of ordinary life. We use the word &quot;special&quot; these days to mean much the same thing. It's just not quite as strong in meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The verb, &quot;profane&quot; pretty much means to take things which are sacred -- &lt;strong&gt;special&lt;/strong&gt; -- and use them where they don't belong. As an adjective, it indicates things which have been used where they don't belong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Inappropriate&quot; is a word that we commonly use to mean something very similar, although it is not as strong a word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Profanity, when talking about language, basically means language used inappropriately -- well, language used &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; inappropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inappropriate language is inappropriate for several reasons. Let me see if I can describe why, and show some examples of appropriate use in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a teacher who, when a student used a strong word for fecal matter, would sometimes respond by looking around at the floor or ground and saying, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Where? Don't step in it! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not all the time, just sometimes. I think he was trying to help the students understand that the words meant more than just, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm old enough to feel strongly about something and assert my opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People don't mean that there is fecal matter somewhere when they say those words. They are generally referring, consciously or otherwise, to an old proverb about the dung hitting the fan. (Did you know they had fans in cow barns thousands of years ago? ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Picture the farmer clearing the floor of the cow barn with a shovel, and a load poorly tossed getting into the fan. This is an archetypical metaphor for the after effects of working when you are tired, or of being careless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such use could also be a reference to the older version of the proverb,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bad &lt;strong&gt;s&lt;/strong&gt;tuff happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason the words are inappropriate is that they say more and less than what we mean. They do not communicate very much, other than that strong emotions are being verbally asserted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if we are going to use these words, we should (like some of my farmer friends) use them when we are talking about dung, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if we are going to use them as strong metaphors, we should generally limit them to only when things are going to be really, &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; bad and everybody's going to be blasted by the flying aftereffects. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Except that overuse is another problem. For instance, I complain about a certain software vendor, but it has become so common to complain about the software vendor that no one hears the real meaning. So I don't complain about that software vendor nearly as much as they deserve any more. People misunderstand me if I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The overuse of the complaint undermines the meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, we probably should not use words profanely even when the situation calls for strong words. People will likely think we are just trying to be cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a different kind of example of how words can be inappropriately used, and how they can be appropriately used, I'll offer this thought:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, especially when I am driving by myself, someone cuts too tightly in front of me, and I find that strong words come unbidden to my tongue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I have learned (but still sometimes forget) to remind myself that I don't want the driver in front of me to suffer the wrath of God, and that I don't particularly intend to violently and sexually assault the driver, and that I don't really thing the driver's car is full of fecal matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I take a deep breath and think what I really mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were talking directly to them, I would say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please look, and at least signal first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, even though they can't hear, I find that I am much better off saying what I mean, instead of being lazy and invoking the wrath of God or whatever. Anger, &lt;strong&gt;and the desire to use strong words&lt;/strong&gt;, disappears while I am putting my frustrations into real words because, even though I can't communicate my frustrations with the driver, I can communicate my frustrations to myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, in taking the time to think, I have time to respond to their dangerous driving, and remember that I'd rather arrive alive than be dead right in my opinions of their driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you were sitting beside me in the car on the (hopefully rare) occasion when I turn loose with some inappropriate language, you might say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At any rate, we don't want that to happen while we are behind them. By the way, could that be your wife's little brother driving that car?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friends may not know this strategy. But now you have seen it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful how you say things like this to your friends. Make it a joke. Don't be critical. Smile, and be careful not to sneer. Remember that, while you want them to be able to say what they mean more effectively because you know that will make them happier, those kinds of changes have to come at their pace, not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, be creative, and set a good example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1946" LastEditorUserId="1946" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T02:53:30.103" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T02:53:30.103" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1006" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="994" CreationDate="2017-07-28T13:06:08.813" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't have to choose between them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choose both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one is ever completely wrong, and no one is ever completely right. That's not something for humans to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I'm not clear on, did your father leave home? If he did, are you sure that you know why? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could it possibly be that he thinks you and your wife should have private time together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or do you mean he refused to accept his retirement money? Even though it looks like you mean that he is leaving home, I'm not sure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, if that is the case, you should find out why. Maybe you should ask directly, or maybe not directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or do you mean that he has decided to keep the retirement money all to himself? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I'm not asking these questions randomly. It seems probable that the OP doesn't really fully understand the problem between his parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if he does, a very good strategy would be to assume he doesn't. Then he can do something like the following:)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At any rate, have you asked him, nicely, what his plans are? That's probably where I'd start. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then maybe you could ask you mother what her plans are. Nicely, of course. Listen to both of them, and don't judge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could tell your parents that you need time to be alone with your wife, and ask them if they wouldn't mind spending a night in a hotel together every now and then so you and your wife can spend the night alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if your father is just wanting his retirement money, this sort of question may get him to rethink things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it would also give you all a chance to work over the finances so that everybody gets a fair deal in the end. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And NVZ's advice about having close family members join in the discussion would likely help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1946" LastEditorUserId="1946" LastEditDate="2017-07-29T01:41:31.963" LastActivityDate="2017-07-29T01:41:31.963" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="994" CreationDate="2017-07-28T13:16:25.703" Score="5" Body="&lt;h2&gt;This is a delicate matter.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We, random strangers on the internet, do not have access to other sides of your story, and therefore are not qualified to suggest picking any side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;This is what I gather.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dad&lt;/strong&gt; gets a retirement bonus, and he thinks you and your mom are out to grab that, so he leaves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mom&lt;/strong&gt; is worried that you will leave her at her old age, and she's also worried about getting divorced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; have loans to settle, and you want both mom and dad to stay with you and things to go back to normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;This is what I suggest.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask some of your close family members to come over - members from both your dad's side and your mom's side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will have more information about the whole family situation. There may be a lot more going on than you know, because you're only 26, as you said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let there be an open discussion sitting down with family members. Sort it out. If things are getting into legal aspects, bring in a lawyer as well, preferably one who knows your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T19:05:04.957" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-28T14:11:03.270" Score="49" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Change the question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The strategy I am aware of, which usually also works very well with people you don't know much, or people you absolutely don't want to leave a bad impression with (because of dating, business, etc) is &lt;strong&gt;not to express your opinion first.&lt;/strong&gt; Instead of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Did you hear of Hyperloop, designed by Elon Musk? Sounds promising, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;hr&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Have you heard of Hyperloop? Far-fetched, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Have you heard of Hyperloop? What is your opinion about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, they cannot &lt;em&gt;argue&lt;/em&gt; with you because &lt;strong&gt;you are asking them&lt;/strong&gt; to tell you about the topic. You did not express any judgment on it so they don't know your POV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But most people who like to argue, or like to feel considered, will gladly tell you what the &quot;right&quot; (in their mind) answer is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to it and wholeheartedly agree, then go on with something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1968" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T19:55:44.500" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T19:55:44.500" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T14:11:45.690" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your religious beliefs have absolutely no claim on others, not even your closest friends.  It is really that simple.  The belief that one's own religious beliefs should have any consequences at all for the behavior of others is a tragic error that will destroy friendships and alienate coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Profanity is an unfortunately weak kind of speech.  You should forgive your friends this minor weakness.  It is also speech that is a relatively safe violation of relatively mild social norms, which is why it is attractive to teens.  You should be able to understand this in your friends.  Make your own decisions about your own speech, ideally without relying on superstition to do so.  Leave others to their own decisions, unless they seek your opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1971" LastEditorUserId="1971" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T21:51:49.543" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T21:51:49.543" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="986" CreationDate="2017-07-28T14:11:50.167" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;You didn't &lt;em&gt;ask&lt;/em&gt; your coworker to stop wasting water. You insisted. You physically intruded into his space (in the bathroom, where most of us are much more sensitive about that) and turned the water off for him. This would be acceptable if you knew there was poison in it or if he was a small child. He's left there with soapy hands not sure if you touched the tap with clean or dirty hands, feeling invaded, feeling he's been treated like a child, angry, no idea why you did such a thing, just wanting to rinse his hands and leave. So the first part of &quot;how do you ask a coworker to stop wasting water&quot; is &lt;strong&gt;not like that.&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second part is that you get some facts. How even in [place you live where there is no drought] x gallons of water go into the treatment system every day just from people leaving the tap running when they don't need to. And this water doesn't helpfully dilute the bad stuff, it's just using up the fresh stuff or making us build larger treatment plants or whatever. Don't make these facts up. Get them right. It is not true that everyone all over the world should use as little water as possible. There needs to be a reason for conserving and it needs to be valid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The third part is that you offer your facts non judgmentally occasionally. For example, you wet your hands, turn the tap off, apply handwash, and offer your fact to the person at the next sink. &quot;Did you know that blah blah blah? That's why I don't leave the tap running while I wash.&quot; Then you turn the tap back on and rinse, and leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adults make their own choices. Some smoke, drink, spend all their money and save none for retirement, are not good to their aging parents, fail to offer their seat on the train to those who need one, don't take good care of their skin, eat too much, and waste water. You're not obliged to fix these things and more importantly you're not authorized to. Apologize to the person whose tap you turned off. Acknowledge it was rude. Perhaps offer them your facts and reasons, but never let go of the fact that the physical action (especially in a sensitive place like a company bathroom) was flat out wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T14:11:50.167" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-28T16:05:47.413" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone is truly doing this, it's pretty easy to walk them into contradicting themselves or taking an absurd position.  Once they have, you can press them to defend it.  If you do this, it may humiliate them so I guess it depends on whether you want or need to remain friendly with the person in question.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So decide whether you want to teach the person a lesson or not.  If not you probably just want to sidestep the debate with an &quot;oh really?&quot; or &quot;that's interesting&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1982" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T16:05:47.413" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="623" CreationDate="2017-07-28T16:31:10.913" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've used &quot;the sky&quot; as a response myself to catch people's attention. But with a different twist than the other poster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I will follow it up with something &quot;serious,&quot; like the business of the day, or what's on my mind. Occasionally I won't. But if you do this more than &quot;occasionally,&quot; it will &quot;get old,&quot; as a commenter to the other post wrote.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's like betting in poker. Usually you will have a real hand. Occasionally, it will be a bluff. That keeps things &quot;off balance&quot; and puts you in control. But if you always bluff with &quot;nothing,&quot; you will lose, because people will always &quot;call&quot; your hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T16:31:10.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1016" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-28T16:42:36.387" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Dangle some tempting bait of something preposterous but actually true. A few round of that and they will most likely be disgusted at their success rates and drop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the ones I have used with success is &quot;I have seen antimatter.&quot;, but you probably can't use that one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;¯\_(ツ)_/¯&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1827" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T16:42:36.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1017" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-28T17:09:29.497" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you can see from many other answers, giving a specifically religious (especially Christian) reason for a request is considered inappropriate in contemporary Western culture. Profanity, which used to be considered inappropriate, is now considered appropriate and deserving of toleration and respect, while your religious convictions are considered the opposite. And while it is acknowledged to be inappropriate to use words that are offensive to someone's gender, sexual, racial identity, extending such a courtesy to someone's religious identity is considered an assault on &quot;freedom.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt this shift will reverse any time soon, and you will experience this even more intensely if you pursue your interests and end up in Silicon Valley. Expressing your faith in any form, especially as it relates to questions of morality, will be quite risky. As Bruce Frohnen says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The lesson to be taken from all this, I submit, is that there is no such thing as a “naked” public square. No society is “neutral” in regard to religion or, indeed, any important set of social institutions or values. The liberal myth of laws that treat all values and value systems as equal covers up an attempt to change the cultural and ultimately religious norms that bind together any stable community. These norms undergird any society’s laws and shape its public life. As the demand for neutrality gives way to the demand for Christian conformity with anti-Christian dictates the bad faith of earlier claims to desire mere “fairness” become increasingly clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given all this, I think the best strategy is to still love your friends who use profanity, but spend more time with friends who will not influence you in a bad direction. You are still young, and so the company you keep now will set your habits and trajectory for the rest of your life. Avoiding profanity in college and in the workplace will be impossible, but if you develop good habits now, you'll be less liable to picking up profanity when you get older. Given that you don't want to make a habit of using profanity, that people generally start talking like those they frequently hang out with, and that it'll be hard to change how your friends talk, adjusting your hangout habits is your best option. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also the course of action recommended by your religion's sacred text:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apostle Paul: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” Awake to righteousness, and do not sin; for some do not have the knowledge of God. I speak this to your shame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Solomon:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jesus:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1983" LastEditorUserId="1983" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T17:53:47.133" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T17:53:47.133" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="951" CreationDate="2017-07-28T17:35:22.973" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In dutch there is a saying &quot;soft doctors make stinking wounds&quot;.  You'd better explain to him in a way that is not open to interpretation, you no longer want to see him in your house uninvited.  If he doesn't respect your wishes, he will be stalking you (I think he already is).  Stalking can lead to very ugly situations.  I had this problem ages ago with a BIL, handled it that way and we got along incredibly well ever since.  But in my case, my inlaw had no bad intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1987" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T17:35:22.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="986" CreationDate="2017-07-28T17:52:01.440" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You hint at it, by not wasting water yourself on the sink next to theirs. You may also try to bring up the topic of saving water in small talk, without discussing their use of water. Don't start the small talk while inside the washrooms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation you describe, however, doesn't give the impression that you were interested in &lt;em&gt;asking&lt;/em&gt; them to stop wasting water. You seemed interested in &lt;em&gt;making&lt;/em&gt; them stop wasting water.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the question &quot;how do I &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; someone stop wasting water?&quot; in an environment where there is no strong objective need to do so, what you're really asking is &quot;how do I convert someone to my religion?&quot;. The short answer is: Please don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T11:16:19.010" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T11:16:19.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-28T18:58:02.257" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, if you've got quick access to technology, and the person really blows you off, you can say something like &quot;Wow, that's really interesting. That's something I'd like to google right away! Asking you questions about it might be wasting your time. I'm obviously missing a lot.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also always the bland &quot;You've given me a lot to think about.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me it's maybe not so much about what I say but more about not feeling helpless going into a conversation. Having a safety valve or two, or more, depending on the situation, means I won't dread speaking to certain people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also reminded of two quotes from movies. They help lower my blood pressure. And if I think of them during a conversation, I know to make exit plans. You may have your own favorite movie, but I like these, because they're not specifically about &lt;em&gt;arguing&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A famous quote from &lt;em&gt;War Games&lt;/em&gt; is where the computer says &quot;The only way to win is not to play&quot; about nuclear war. This applies to arguments, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other is from the Marx Brothers' &lt;em&gt;Animal Crackers&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Suppose nobody in the house took the painting.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Go to the house next door.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Suppose there isn't any house next door.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, then. Of course we gotta build one.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, even when there's no real reason to argue, let's argue! I find it's good to have a jokey perspective on the matter even if the joke isn't very good, or even if you can't share it with anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This helps us accept the hard truth that some people argue for the sake of arguing. We'd like to think people are better than that. But they can have a bad day, and that's worth taking into account, too. So it's have several ways not to raise tensions that don't feel like you're jollying the other person along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="185" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T18:58:02.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1023" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-28T19:29:41.090" Score="17" ViewCount="1398" Body="&lt;p&gt;Self-help books have helped me a lot. Now, I've run into a lot of stinkers, but when one works, it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I realize I keep them all pretty close to the vest. People do like to make fun of self-help, especially when they know a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the self-help books never tell you how to deal with someone being snarky at you for reading them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't a critical problem, but I realized I can put off a self-help book, especially around friends who are pretty smart. This nagging worry could even apply to visiting this website and potentially hearing &quot;Wow! What do you need to visit that site for?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I am wondering about an effective, concise way to say &quot;back off&quot; without explicitly saying &quot;back off.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="185" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:22:15.837" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T02:11:55.070" Title="How do I deal with snarky comments about self-help/motivational books?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-28T19:31:31.753" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a devil's advocate, I'm often &quot;Them&quot; in your conversation, so I'll try to answer based on what would influence me, and leave it up to you to determine whether it's a general solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick to dealing with them is that their position typically involves expending a great deal of energy rapidly. If I want to challenge your claim that the Hyperloop is awesome, the first thing I need to do is to come at you with enough force to keep you off balance. Otherwise, we run the risk of the conversation becoming grey instead of black and white -- which is bad for such an attacking personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most fundamental thing to understand about this approach is that it's all about making you lose, rather than trying to make them win. They're not trying to &quot;win&quot; the argument directly. They're trying to make you &quot;lose&quot; first, and then proclaim themselves the winner by default. That's the game. However, if you refuse to lose, or refuse to lose meaningfully, then they can never claim their win by default.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the first trick you can leverage is to simply only engage with this person in simple boring single-round sparring on topics that you don't actually care about. Did you actually care about the Hyperloop? Then don't ask them. This solution is exemplified in several answers, including &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/997/486&quot;&gt;NVZ's&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next trick is the one mentioned by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1009/486&quot;&gt;Andrea&lt;/a&gt;. If you don't make any statements that can be construed as an opinion, they can't attack it. This may be boring, but it can be entertaining to some people. From time to time, when my Devil's Advocate hat is hung up, I'll have fun trying to refuse to be goaded into verbalizing an opinion. It's actually a pretty neat game, I think. The key here is that they can never make you lose, so eventually, they will become frustrated because it's the only way for them to win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that, the question I'd ask is &quot;why do you want to have this acquaintance in the first place?&quot; What value do you get out of it? If they're only annoying, just stop hanging out with them. If there's a reason to hang out with them, reflect on that reason. Maybe you just have to work with them as a coworker.  Use this to your benefit. Have a meeting you want derailed? Invite them, sit back, and watch the fireworks! Maybe you're feeling lethargic, with no energy to get up and fight. Go hang out with them. Let them put all the energy into the fight, leaving you with more than you started with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are more advanced approaches too. If you can keep a conversation moving, it's hard for them to lay into any one topic. By the time they plan their attack, you've moved on. I, myself, have trouble with this approach, but I've seen it used very successfully. Eventually, they lose track of what They should attack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a discussion with them can actually improve your conversation skills greatly, though no credit can really be given to them. If you can avoid being skewered by them, then you're that much more invulnerable in a discussion where your partner isn't trying to make you lose. If only They understood this more, and held their punches in a way that made it easier to learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T19:59:49.773" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T19:59:49.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1025" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1023" CreationDate="2017-07-28T19:42:34.450" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Consult self-help resources when you are alone.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Barring that, you can state that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find it helpful. And that's makes me want to consult it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could point out that self-help resources are around for all sorts of subjects and professions. And this is just one of them. In my case for example, I needed to take two 8-hour (highly in depth) exams in order to receive my Professional Engineering license. There are self-help books galore on this. And that's just one of many such works for many, many subjects. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are asked again why you are doing that, you can simply say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because it has helped me. Not all self-help books are for everybody, but this one is OK for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not suggest offering a defense further than that. Nor would I suggest trying to turn it around with a comment like &quot;Do you mind?!&quot; That just puts a negative connotation on what is essentially a neutral statement on your part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T20:28:29.887" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T20:28:29.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="864" CreationDate="2017-07-28T19:59:42.927" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is a polite way to tell a person that I am only willing to talk to them if they do not operate a device which transmits my words to a third party in this way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that being polite means you are respectful and considerate of others. You should therefore recognize that these devices provide significant benefits to some users, and that telling them to choose between you and their personal assistant may simply be impolite.  There might not be a way for you to be respectful and considerate of your host when telling them that you'd rather not talk to them at all if they use such devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if your goal is to be polite, then you should consider changing your question to one where the burden is placed on you rather than your host:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is a polite way to find out if someone is operating a device which transmits my words to a third party?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A possible version might be something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm uncomfortable around personal assistant devices which respond to voice commands.  Do you use any in this room/home?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After finding out the answer you can then decide how to act - the most respectful way would be simply to censor yourself and avoid saying anything you believe is too personal for such a device to hear. There's no need to point this out, unless you want to be tactless or blame them for your anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for letting me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may respond by attempting to make you feel more comfortable, hopefully they will be good hosts, recognize your discomfort, and try to alleviate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do not, and you absolutely cannot speak in the presence of such a device you might instead indicate that you simply feel uncomfortable talking where one can hear you, and ask if there's a private place you can go without such devices, or request that your visit be moved to a park or restaurant - a more public place where perhaps you'll feel you have more privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see, thanks for letting me know.  Unfortunately this makes me too uncomfortable to feel at ease.  Is there another place we can visit together without them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could ask that they be disabled, but that involves 1) cutting your host off from their personal assistant (and perhaps their home automation system) and 2) requiring the host to figure out what you mean (is mute enough, or you you demand they be disconnected and unpowered?) and then go around and do it, then undo it when you leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm still very uneasy about them, I hope you understand, but I just can't talk when they are on.  Would it be too much trouble to mute/disable/disconnect them while I'm here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this is definitely outside respectful and considerate territory - once you made your discomfort clear as in the first two statements, they should respond, or you should simply make an excuse and leave.  That said, an argument could be made that they, choosing not to respond in the manner you'd prefer, have shown you disrespect and so continuing down this path might be acceptable depending on your level of tact and your relationship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are good friends they will probably acquiesce without further issue, but given that they've chosen to live with these devices it would continue to be a burden every time you visited, and you would have to weigh the value of that relationship against the burden you are placing on it. Keep in mind that while you may see it as your personal space being invaded, this is their home and they may see it as paranoia that they have to put up with if they want to maintain your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that these devices don't transmit unless the wake word is used, you probably shouldn't weigh your anxiety so heavily in the balance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T19:59:42.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1023" CreationDate="2017-07-28T20:52:21.540" Score="9" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Shrug off anything snarky you hear.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It applies to everything - not just your case of self-help books.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking past the tone or wording, if there's some actual useful content in their comments, then that is something worth considering and incorporating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An example:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my 4 years on Stack Exchange (which is my self-help book), I've come across quite a few snarky comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially, I had a knee-jerk reaction to comment back at them. But very quickly I realized that that benefits nobody. If they want to be snarky, that's how they are. I'm not going to be them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I update my posts, research into what they mentioned, etc. and make that an opportunity to learn new things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Back to your question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Self-help books have helped you a lot, and therefore you should continue reading them. If your friends find it odd, let them. You should find it odd that they find it odd that you do something that helps you better your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People can have opinions. When people come at you with their unsolicited opinions, just shrug it off. Any reply from you will make it unnecessarily complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, you could simply not let your friends see you reading such books. But where's the limit on that? Maybe they will come up with other subjects. Maybe about your interest in Stack Exchange, maybe about your Youtube watching, etc. Let them have their opinions. You keep doing your best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an internet meme that evolved based on this subject:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://imgur.com/gallery/L73De4L&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;“Let people enjoy things”&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T21:10:16.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1030" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-28T20:56:21.640" Score="16" ViewCount="2296" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in a community organization in Texas that interacts with and reaches out to people of all ethnic groups, though most of the members are &quot;white&quot;. I'm a new member of this organization and recently attended a big meeting where the members were put into sub-groups based on the region of the city we reside in. Because this is a group that requires lots of free time, many of the members are older, retired people who are trying to be more civically engaged. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was greeted by an older woman who proceeded to welcome me and mention some of the &quot;difficulties&quot; of our region of the city by making what I considered to be a well-meaning but very off-putting remark along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There are the neighborhoods with Hispanic people but a lot of them don't speak English and the Blacks who don't trust us. And then there's the normal neighborhoods, which are easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are both &quot;white&quot; and her implication that non-white neighborhoods are somehow abnormal really bothered me and I had to step away from her because I didn't know how to respond. I &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that she doesn't &lt;em&gt;mean&lt;/em&gt; to be casually racist because that goes against the purpose of this organization and our outreach but I'm not sure how to respond to her to recommend a better phrasing than the white = &quot;normal&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to show her respect because she's older than I am and has been a member much longer than I have but as someone who does outreach, she needs to be more conscious of the phrasing that she uses because I'll bet that part of the reason she finds that the &quot;Blacks don't trust us&quot; is because of the way she phrases things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if it makes more sense to address her directly or to mention something about this to the leaders of the group to be addressed more broadly under the umbrella of racial sensitivity training.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T16:54:57.147" LastActivityDate="2019-01-04T18:01:32.943" Title="How to respond to an older colleague who uses sub-optimal phrasing when referring to other racial groups?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="986" CreationDate="2017-07-28T20:59:15.303" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself -- would you rather encourage &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/when-how-handwashing.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;good hand-washing habits&lt;/a&gt;, or would you rather people save a few gallons of water?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most of the United States, tap water is cheap.  For example, in Seattle, water and sewer fees add up to about two cents per gallon.  Heating the water to a good temperature for hand-washing might cost another cent per gallon.  Even at full blast, a typical washroom faucet puts out less than eight cents of water per minute.  A typical hand-washing might use half-a-gallon per minute for half-a-minute, or less than a cent worth of water.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest cost of good hygiene is time.  Even at the U.S. minimum wage of $ 7.25 per hour, half-a-minute of an employee's time is worth at least six cents.  Fortunately, the biggest benefit of good hygiene is also time -- less of one's own time wasted being sick, less of others' time wasted being sick, less chance of people dying prematurely, and less time spent fixing messes caused by dirty hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you annoy a person enough to change their hand-washing habits, you might annoy them enough to either do a worse job of washing their hands, or annoy them enough that they wash their hands less often.  Either outcome would be far worse than saving a cent of water per hand-washing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1714" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T20:59:15.303" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1030" CreationDate="2017-07-28T21:36:20.407" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would recommend option two. &quot;Mention something about this to the leaders of the group to be addressed more broadly under the umbrella of racial sensitivity training.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that the person you mentioned doesn't really realize that speaking that way comes across as casually​ racist. If she's been involved in the group for a while and no one has addressed this problem yet, it may be indicative of a larger problem within the organization and it would probably be less painful for everyone to talk about it as a group rather than having each of them feel singled out as being a &quot;racist&quot; when they say or do something inappropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T21:36:20.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1030" CreationDate="2017-07-28T21:40:43.513" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;A possible technique is to echo back the information with improved phrasing. This may work particularly well now while you're new to the organization. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There are the neighborhoods with Hispanic people but a lot of them&#xA;  don't speak English and the Blacks who don't trust us. And then&#xA;  there's the normal neighborhoods, which are easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's one way you might respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt; So there's a range of neighborhoods. Some are harder to do&#xA;  effective outreach because of a minority of English speakers or&#xA;  mistrust by the residents. Is that correct? What have we done to&#xA;  counteract that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A problem with this approach is that it may be too subtle. The person you're talking to may not pick up on the change in wording. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2021" LastEditorUserId="2021" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T05:00:06.327" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T05:00:06.327" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1030" CreationDate="2017-07-28T21:59:24.643" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give her the benefit of your doubt and take your time before considering any kind of intervention. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Language interpretation is highly subjective. In particular, certain ways of phrasing things can imply associations for some people that for others are simply not present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not defending the use of the world &quot;normal&quot; to refer to non-Hispanic/non-Black neighborhoods, but (I infer, based on your question) that you don't yet have reason enough to call her out on her terminology. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step back, concentrate on making your own contribution as best you can, and see how things go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after awhile you determine she's actually racist--in this case, probably a self-identified white savior--then you can decide whether to take a stand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, you might just conclude that she's hopelessly old-fashioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2022" LastEditorUserId="2022" LastEditDate="2017-07-28T22:04:58.453" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T22:04:58.453" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1030" CreationDate="2017-07-28T22:09:25.563" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;People generally don't like being accused of (or being called out for, depending on the side you're viewing it from) racism. They likely don't see themselves as racist; a racist &lt;em&gt;to them&lt;/em&gt; is an N-word spewing KKK-member.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;And no-one likes to be judged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead of telling her what not to say, ask her about the judgement &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; passed on those neighbourhoods. Specifically, try asking in a neutral tone of voice,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What makes those neighbourhoods normal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, that makes her pause and re-assess her language and its implications, without you having judged her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, and she dishes out un-casual racism in response, at least you know where she stands and have something more explicit to address.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T22:09:25.563" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="951" CreationDate="2017-07-28T22:33:10.583" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had same situation - with my own father. I think that with the father-in-law it can be more complicated as your partner should be more involved than you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was working on the flat, usually loudly, without realizing what time it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I too appreciated his 'help', but it was creating more stress for BOTH of us than it was an asset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it came to moment that it was unbearable I just went full on my father so he left the flat with tears in his eyes. He needed to understand that this is my life now and that I need some privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't call first. When he called I was strict - I want to see him of course, but needs to be under my terms. That means that he writes at least one day in front if he wants to come for visit and he must accept if I say NO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since that our relationship got much better :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes being 'strict' is better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2023" LastActivityDate="2017-07-28T22:33:10.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-28T23:10:09.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with Jimmy James. People who disagree for the heck of it can be baited into their own ditch. They are so habitual to their behavior of contradicting others opinions, they can't and do not keep track of their own opinions. Whereas, someone who knows what they are talking about, has sound knowledge of the direction in which the conversation is heading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lead them to contradict themselves. They will eventually be cautious when interacting with you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Before sharing your opinion, ask his/her opinion. Then dismiss it and continue talking from where you left off. Don't follow up to their opinion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2025" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-07-29T07:06:22.307" LastActivityDate="2017-07-29T07:06:22.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1042" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1030" CreationDate="2017-07-29T01:55:19.413" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would restate the comment to the woman by &quot;sanitizing&quot; the most &quot;racist&quot; parts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, &quot;There are the neighborhoods with Hispanic people but a lot of them don't speak English and the Blacks who don't trust us.&quot; &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be a &quot;tough but fair&quot; statement. Certainly, it is &quot;frank.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The part I find most offensive is, &quot;And then there's the normal neighborhoods, which are easy.&quot; I would restate this as, &quot;And then there are other neighborhoods where people speak English and trust us.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, one doesn't characterize something as &quot;normal&quot; or &quot;easy&quot; (or not). Second, one doesn't rule out the possibility of Black or Hispanic neighborhoods having desirable qualities like &quot;speaks English&quot; or &quot;trusts us.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-07-29T23:54:34.360" LastActivityDate="2017-07-29T23:54:34.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-29T03:14:30.610" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although multiple answers have mentioned this, I'd like to repeat that all arguments are a no-win situation for all the participants. The simple reason is that an argument is generally subjective in nature, with few absolute cases possible. Also, the person arguing can conjure up as many &quot;facts&quot; as he wants to just to prove you're wrong (although Google is always there for youツ). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever there is an argument, there's always some people on both sides. The reason is that humans like to try and see both sides of the coin. For some, arguing just for the sake of it is enough, whereas there are some whose arguments have real points hidden in them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take your own example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you kidding me? That sort of technology has been proven to be infeasible by scientists at MIT!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This argument has no real strength behind it, as your friend has no reasons backing his argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all such cases, I have observed that the best way to react is to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Really now? I didn't know that! Go ahead and tell me about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is because the person arguing is going to keep making up some excuse or the other to prove himself right in this case. The next thing you could do here is Google it up instantly (provided you have a proper internet connection), and see for yourself. If the argument your friend has made was false, then you can tell him about it, and he will shut up soon enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, there still exists the case where your friend has truly made a point. In this case, your best bet is to agree with him/her, saying something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh! I didn't know that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you may have noticed, in both the cases, I say that I didn't know what the friend was saying. This is because the friend in concern here thinks he knows it all. Know-it-alls are very, very stubborn and will never accept that they are wrong and you are right. Mirroring people like this helps to make them feel like they have won. See &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/63/what-impact-does-mirroring-have-on-other-people?rq=1&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt; answer. Agreeing blindly also leaves them blank, but then they don't exactly feel like they've won either, so this method is good if you want them to leave you alone without you losing the argument. &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1009/486&quot;&gt;Andrea's&lt;/a&gt; answer is also perfect in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, the best way to deal with these people who compulsively argue is to just let them win, however you like it, even if they're saying that Angelina Jolie is their father. (ツ)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-07-29T03:32:41.307" LastActivityDate="2017-07-29T03:32:41.307" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1048" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1050" CreationDate="2017-07-29T12:53:15.080" Score="15" ViewCount="20476" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend's dad died two days ago. I gave her my condolences that same day. My question is, should I check up on her on a interval basis? Like everyday, every two days, etc.? And what kind of things to say after the first condolences? I mean, I imagine I can't give her my condolences every single time, yet I don't find it appropriate to, for example, make jokes to her...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to overwhelm her, perhaps she wants to be alone for a while, but I also do not want &quot;abandon&quot; her on one of the saddest moments of her life. I understand that this may be different from person to person, and from relationship to relationship. But I would like to know common ways to support friends on this matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps a little bit about my relationship with her will help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is not a really close friend, like one of those whom you speak with everyday, we say Hi and chat for a while about once a week, we don't see each other at all, but I really appreciate her, she is a good friend. We just get along well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this helps at all, we are both on our mid-twenties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: with respect to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/258/how-to-enquire-about-someone-after-they-learned-bad-news&quot;&gt;possible duplicate&lt;/a&gt;, I am not sure is quite the same question, because in that question they are talking about an accident that occurred, so, follow-up questions like &quot;how is your father doing?&quot; seems fine, but in my question we are talking about death, I can't ask her &quot;is your father still dead?&quot; or something like that. Should I give her some space? Should I ask her how she is doing? Should I try to talk about other stuff? Normally, when a friend is sad, I try to talk to them, and sometimes even make them laugh, or at least forget their problems for a while, or sometimes I provide just company and understanding... but this is different, she lost her father, I know I just can't &quot;try to make her laugh&quot; on this one... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is not an exact science, but your experiences dealing with similar situations, what you did right or wrong, or if you were in her shoes in the past, how did people follow up with you? Did you feel annoyed, Did you feel ok? Did you want more space? Did you want to talk more? Did you want to be able to talk about other stuffs?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2057" LastEditorUserId="6177" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T13:10:33.707" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T23:02:31.480" Title="How to follow up with someone who lost a loved one?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1048" CreationDate="2017-07-29T14:02:35.483" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it was me, I would definitely want to be alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I would also want to be alone so much that I lost my mind! so I think friends should be there to force me to keep living a normal life, also be understanding and kind and patient so that I can feel close to them enough to talk about my emotions to them, which is a vital key to get over with a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should not make jokes in first days, I myself like a cozy comfortable atmosphere in order to reduce my stress and grieve and be able to talk about my feelings and feel at home. I need to feel safe. guess others feel the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it depends on her personality.she may want to spend time with groups of people after a while, try to forget about it and start over. she would also want not to talk a lot about her problem not to remind herself of that. guess you should ask her in some ways, first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;in addition, when ever I find my friends uninterested or doubtful about talking about their feelings I start talking about my own, try to make them ready or interested to talk as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: do not stick to her or force her, she may not feel close enough to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1972" LastActivityDate="2017-07-29T14:02:35.483" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1048" CreationDate="2017-07-29T14:08:55.150" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;According to the original post and the comments, you already have a &quot;good friends, non-romantic&quot; relationship where you &quot;say Hi and chat for a while about once a week, we don't see each other at all&quot;.  This relationship is okay with you, her, and her boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This existing relationship gives regular enough contact that you can notice if she becomes depressed, and regular enough contact that it can keep her cheered up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this scenario, I recommend that you continue doing what you have been doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1714" LastActivityDate="2017-07-29T14:08:55.150" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1052" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-29T16:06:40.420" Score="34" ViewCount="2230" Body="&lt;p&gt;I not infrequently find myself in a conversation with someone who I may like, but that enjoys (too much) having a willing listener.   The normal gambits to close a conversation fail--the other party might launch into a long anecdote, or simply ignore the conversational cues indicating that you'd like to exit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to be rude, don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and don't want to end the &lt;em&gt;relationship&lt;/em&gt;, but DO want to move on from that conversation.   And, I'm really bad at this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some strategies that I can use to let the other party know that I would like to end that particular conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-12-13T11:36:38.730" LastActivityDate="2018-12-23T05:27:35.290" Title="Gracefully exiting a conversation with a needy person" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1052" CreationDate="2017-07-29T17:21:12.913" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you a quiet person? Most people keep on blabbering about whatever subject was out of hand because they can't tolerate silence. Only when people are emotionally vested in the subject do they resent having the topic changed. Feel free to interrupt, &quot;Cool! Hey, did you hear what happened yesterday?&quot;. As the one who is bored by the current conversation, it is your responsibility to bring up a different topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if what you want is silence, say &quot;Hey buddy, the evening is great but usually I'm meditating at this time of the day, do you mind if I find a corner to zone out for a couple of minutes?&quot;. An then go off to be alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1929" LastActivityDate="2017-07-29T17:21:12.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1048" CreationDate="2017-07-29T17:26:12.930" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Answer: you ask the other party if they would prefer you to draw closer or back away during this time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say something to the effect of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see you in a difficult situation. I want to help, but I'm not sure how. Please tell me how I can help you at this difficult time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When an important person in one's life dies, it is like a sudden heavy burden has appeared that one must carry. You cannot carry it for them. At the outset, one has no idea how to pick it up, let alone carry it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some want a lot of others around them. Some want to be left alone. Some switch  between the two. It is important to try and focus on what that person wants/needs, not what you think you might want in their place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2017-07-29T17:26:12.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-29T17:33:05.190" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No, it is not the correct approach to lie continuously.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine that you are finding out by coincidence that a person whom you trust secretly despises you. What is your reaction?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine that you get continuously negative emotional feedback but positive verbal feedback. Could you understand that it feels like one of Kafka's novel?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person whom you do not like seems to need to ask the question if you avoid him, it seems pointless to hope that the person will get the clue without intervention. And the need to ask seems to show that he finds you an interesting person, so by continuously avoiding him, he may even find you &lt;em&gt;more interesting&lt;/em&gt; because it is so rare to meet you! If you continue, you will very likely find that the situation only gets worse. And the reason that you ask this question here means that &lt;em&gt;it bothers you&lt;/em&gt; and you cannot ignore it anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sagar's point is manipulative: &lt;em&gt;[...] in future, if you are in need of any kind of help from him, you can easily ask it without any issues.&lt;/em&gt; People do not like being used as a tool or handy help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best option is to find someone who you like and is liked by the other person, too (or at least knows the person very well). Choose wisely. Then tell that his personality clashes with yours and that it is very, very hard for you with your politeness to confront him. I think after venting some steam it will be much easier for you to relax a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then either tell him (at best with the trusted person) that you in fact (which is an understandable white lie) did avoid him, but you only realized that a while after the question and that it is an extreme discomfort for you to tell people. No fluff: No &quot;I hope we will be friends&quot; or that you like parts of him (if you don't). You do not need to like him, but be respectful.   The sooner, the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, the person will be unhappy, but it's no use to avoid the unavoidable. And there are situations where politeness is insufficient and you need&#xA;to set boundaries and this is one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2066" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:40:13.753" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:40:13.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1052" CreationDate="2017-07-29T18:27:05.040" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;My general approach is to say &quot;it's been really great talking to you&quot; or &quot;catching up&quot; or &quot;hearing all about this&quot;. I do NOT then add &quot;, but I have to go now.&quot; I just say that part and pause. Most of the time, the other person stops - after all, you've just indicated that the topic has successfully completed. Sometimes, they change the subject. Many times, they say &quot;wow is it 8:30 already I can't believe we talked so long! I'd better go!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they just keep right on steamrollering - &quot;yeah, it's great, you know another thing that happened at the grocery stores that really steamed me was - &quot; you can say &quot;I would love to hear that story another time.&quot; Again, don't say &quot;but I have to go.&quot; If you're conversing in person, you can simply walk away from the conversation at this point.  &quot;Great seeing you!&quot; and off you go -- to your car, out of the office, to the kitchen or bathroom of the party you're both at, to the other side of the dance floor, whatever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're on the phone, or talking in person in a situation where you can't leave (you live with them, for example, or you're waiting for a bus or your turn somewhere) then it's harder if they don't pick up that you're done, because you can't just walk away. In person, you can say &quot;I have to do this&quot; and wave your phone, then deal with some email or whatever. On the phone, you can interrupt them &quot;hang on a sec&quot; and then after a pause say &quot;oh man, I'm going to have to go. Talk soon!&quot; Neither of these involves lying though they are deceptive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't or won't leave, then you need to change the subject. So you can again give a positive summary: &quot;It's been great hearing all about your trip&quot; or &quot;I'm really impressed with how you're holding up under all that stress and effort&quot; in a tone that would normally lead to &quot;but I have to go now&quot; and instead hold a significant pause and then say something that starts a new topic. If you're willing to hear more from them on another subject, ask them a question like &quot;what are you going to do to relax when it's all done?&quot; or &quot;how is [someone else you both know] doing?&quot;. If you really feel that it's your turn to talk, try &quot;Did I tell you about my trip this summer?&quot; or &quot;my big fight with the water company?&quot; or &quot;my plans to redo my backyard?&quot;. Or &quot;can I ask for some advice on [my vacation plans, my Christmas shopping, living room furniture]?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't or won't leave, don't want them to talk about something else, and don't want to talk about anything yourself, you're in a very hard position. You will simply have to tell them what you would rather do than listen to them any more. You can again start with how great it's been to chat, and then pause and &lt;em&gt;without saying BUT&lt;/em&gt;, add &quot;If you'll excuse me, I must/have to/need to sit with my thoughts for a little while&quot; or &quot;finish reading this&quot; or &quot;catch up with something I had planned to do while waiting here&quot; (this last one works best with complete strangers eg while on a bus ride or at a doctor's office, and not at parties or family dinners.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-12-19T18:57:41.657" LastActivityDate="2018-12-19T18:57:41.657" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1057" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1059" CreationDate="2017-07-29T19:57:30.177" Score="21" ViewCount="2294" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person who is what is euphemistically called a &quot;senior citizen&quot; I occasionally receive offers of &quot;help&quot; that I do not need and do not want. Maybe in 10 years I will, but not now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot figure out what prompts this &quot;helpfulness&quot; -- certainly nothing in my gait.  I could run most of them ragged on the tennis court. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally respond by saying &quot;Thanks, but I am fine&quot;.  Usually people smile and go on their business.  But sometimes, the person is determined to help, and determined that I &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; accept her help. (It is always a woman.) I see this as aggression.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never got to the point where I have told the person to &quot;f off&quot;, but I have said &quot;Please, just go away.&quot;  Once I received a lecture on how the person  was bringing up her sons.  To that one, I replied &quot;You are teaching them to impose their will on women who are minding their own business?  That sounds a lot like rape.&quot;      &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was very satisfying, but what I am looking for is a way to get rid of them before I slander them.  &lt;strong&gt;What should I say after two &quot;No thanks, I'm fine.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;  Mild rudeness is OK. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(culture: Northern VA, typical middle-class suburban mixture; highly educated)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T14:11:59.550" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T23:42:49.660" Title="How to efficiently and effectively decline help, being somewhat rude if necessary" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-29T20:26:09.093" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a weird social hack that I learned a long time ago, and it's pretty effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just engage in normal conversation with the guy, but add about a second-and-a-half pause between your impulse to talk and your actual reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes the conversation awkward, but not in a way that the other party can really put a finger on, or fault you for.   You'll find that the other person will go a couple conversational rounds, and then make a beeline for the door.   Do this a few times, and he'll just not have the desire to initiate contact anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Odd, but it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:37:41.170" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:37:41.170" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1057" CreationDate="2017-07-29T21:25:14.843" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;After two &quot;no thanks&quot; (probably even after one) I would stop smiling and say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;honestly, this is something I can do without help and enjoy doing. By insisting on helping you're making me feel weak and incompetent and I don't like that. Please stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or possibly &quot;making me feel that you see me as weak and incompetent&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not rude, but it's blunt. To make it a little sharper, on the way to rude, shorten it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can do it, you know! Don't treat me like some weak incompetent old lady! So rude!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the sons comment, yeah, raise them to offer to help. And raise them to listen to the response from the adult competent human who has delivered an opinion on needing help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My guess is that this person is not capable of imagining any down side to receiving help like this. It's a shame that you are stuck with having to explain that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-07-29T22:48:46.820" LastActivityDate="2017-07-29T22:48:46.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1023" CreationDate="2017-07-29T23:54:02.720" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just asking, but how does the opportunity to snark even come up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people proselytize their diets / self-help regimes in a way that makes others want to push back.   If you find these books helpful, that's great.   But if you're advertising your new insights; or trying to push others towards the same tome without their asking for your advice, that can be slightly irritating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Self-help movements are a lot like religion, in that they are fascinating to those in the fold, and mysterious and foreign to outsiders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastActivityDate="2017-07-29T23:54:02.720" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-30T00:06:11.517" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone is behaving in a way that I find annoying, I prefer to confront the behavior directly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Did you hear of Hyperloop, designed by Elon Musk? Sounds promising, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: Far-fetched? For your information, Elon Musk has already started trials of the prototype!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: You know, I'm not sure whether to be &lt;em&gt;impressed&lt;/em&gt; with your knowledge, or &lt;em&gt;annoyed&lt;/em&gt; with your need to always be right.  Either way, it makes having a conversation with you difficult.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are other people involved, they are probably attention-seeking, and will receive your comment confrontationally.  That's fine if you are prepared for their bad reaction, and willing to lose their 'friendship'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more gentle way would be to take them aside and deliver the message personally to save them face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also add this advice-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You appear quite intelligent, but I suspect you would build more productive relationships if you practice a more cooperative conversation style. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts you in the role of social-skills mentor and ally, rather than enemy, and may actually strengthen your relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2088" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T00:06:11.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1023" CreationDate="2017-07-30T00:23:52.483" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're not doing this for anyone else, you're doing it for &lt;strong&gt;yourself&lt;/strong&gt;.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks -- and &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; in itself is a great self-development skill for you to master.  I recommend &lt;em&gt;The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F@ck&lt;/em&gt; by Mark Manson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also worth understanding that there are two reasons people are often snarky about self-development.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They don't understand it, or believe that change is possible.  They have a &lt;strong&gt;fixed mindset&lt;/strong&gt;, rather than a &lt;strong&gt;growth mindset&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It challenges them uncomfortably.  It either means that they should also be improving themselves in some way, and are being a lazy narrow-minded dweeb compared to you.  Or, it means you are going to surpass them, which creates a kind of envy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, if you feel the need to respond, you have a ton of choices.  Here are a few easy ones. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially ignore their opinion; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Turn to them, &lt;strong&gt;smile knowingly&lt;/strong&gt;, and then turn back to your book.  Say nothing at all.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not doing this for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Challenge them; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't you want to live the best life possible, and be the best person you can be?  I sure do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you really believe that your mind can no longer be improved? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you ever &lt;em&gt;tried&lt;/em&gt; self-development?  It's amazing how many things in your head can hold you back from what you &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; in life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their snarky behavior is an attempt to manipulate you through embarrassment.  You're already mentally stronger and wiser than they are, through the work you're doing.  You don't need to manipulate them back.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they cross your boundaries, just confront them honestly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I like you, but your snarky comments just aren't winning you any points.  If you're confused or embarrassed that I believe in personal growth, I'd be happy to share a bit of what I've learned so far.  It's been a great journey for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2088" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T00:23:52.483" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="634" CreationDate="2017-07-30T00:52:31.850" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no polite way of &quot;hinting&quot; anything. You're going to have to deal with the problem head on, and hope for the best. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell your friend the truth: &quot;We all like you, but none of us likes your girlfriend,&quot; and that he'd be much more welcome at the party than her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &quot;puts the ball back in his court,&quot; and can also lead to a &quot;separation&quot; of the following two cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of two situations is likely to be the case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) The girlfriend is &quot;poisonous,&quot; and &quot;everyone&quot; knows except your friend. If that's the case, he'll find out soon enough. You may &quot;lose&quot; your friend for a time, but when he figures out why people are behaving the way they do, he'll come around. Just keep re-iterating &quot;we all like you, we just don't like her.&quot; Welcome him back when he comes to this realization on his own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) The girlfriend is &quot;okay,&quot;(to an objective third party observer), and there is something wrong with your group. They dislike her for the &quot;wrong&quot; reasons (dissimilar backgrounds, lack of coolness, etc.). If that's the case, be prepared to lose your friend. Otherwise, you may have to make a decision or choice to be friends with your one friend (and his girlfriend), or &quot;all but one.&quot; If you want to keep a bridge to him, you might admit that you &quot;might&quot; be wrong about his girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T16:48:42.577" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T16:48:42.577" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1057" CreationDate="2017-07-30T02:22:03.290" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was raised to offer to help, so I've probably been seen this way from time to time... My grandmother was the type of woman who would smack her grandsons for not holding the door for a lady.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, she was also a very independent woman who didn't take any crap from people. One of her lines was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I wanted &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; help, I would have asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Add a sneer and emphasize the word &amp;quot;your&amp;quot; and you manage to come across as openly hostile while not actually saying anything rude directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also consider lines like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well aren't you precious, put that hand on me again and you'll be​ pulling back a stump.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I may be old enough to be your mother, but luckily for me I'm not and I don't have to put up with your​ crap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T02:22:03.290" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1052" CreationDate="2017-07-30T05:11:47.133" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer so far are already great; they have the same common tactic: &lt;strong&gt;interruption.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you only need to end this particular conversation, &lt;em&gt;interrupt&lt;/em&gt; them. You can say you need to go to restroom, or you can excuse yourself into checking your phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most common excuse I use is checking the time to make sure I don't miss the next appointment, or to make sure I don't stay too late at night. I usually do this by looking at my Whatsapp for 10 seconds or briefly on my phone clock. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When interrupted, people will be forced to wait. This may cause them to forget which part they are on (effectively allowing you to avoid that part), and allow you to attempt to redirect the conversation as you wish. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After coming back from the restroom; &quot;Say, did you hear about X yesterday?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist on telling their story, try to ask them to wait after you finished with yours, or point out that they have taken long time enough and it's your turn to share. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, the guide actually stops after the interruption. What happens next depends on your finesse in conversation. Have fun hijacking the conversation! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T05:11:47.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1069" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1076" CreationDate="2017-07-30T06:30:51.917" Score="10" ViewCount="1701" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find the classroom -- whether it be a lecture hall or a smaller class with fewer than 15 people -- to be a difficult environment to build friendships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm an extroverted college-aged male. I have no lack of friends outside the classroom. However, I'm inclined to make friends given the opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have always treated going to class to be an extremely formal affair. I never skip class, and I always arrive early to mentally focus myself (this might include reviewing notes) which then results in me not talking to those around me.  My classes are mainly STEM-oriented.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because my class schedule is quite different from others, I usually study on my own. This is purely because it works to my convenience. Thus, I'm not quick to form study groups, or even much inclined to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: how can I build friendships in the classroom without sacrificing my focus and attentiveness to the class?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2098" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T15:05:22.693" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T06:06:47.543" Title="How to make friends during class?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1023" CreationDate="2017-07-30T09:18:10.060" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It was a problem for me too. When someone asked me what I was reading and I told them, that I read something in the field of self-help, they always supposed that I have some kind of problem which is needed to be resolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are people who think, that going to a therapy session is only necessary, or beneficial for you when you have problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't necessarily have to have problems.&#xA;Sometimes you just want to be better.&#xA;Better in understanding others, better in understanding yourself, or just be better in handling certain situations, like the one you mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was asked, or even mocked about these topics,I usually tried to find something, which can be interesting for the other person. Or just tried something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This author has a really interesting idea on XY. And I want to know more about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these people who are asking, or mocking you for the self-help content you are consuming, are your friends, you can tell them about your true reasons, why you are trying to look for help, if you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if they are just colleagues, or not too close acquaintances, you can close the topic fast, by saying that you find this interesting, and beneficial.&#xA;You don't have to respond to anyone about your interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2104" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T09:18:10.060" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="986" CreationDate="2017-07-30T10:13:24.780" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You made it serious and confrontational rather than friendly/ diplomatically savvy.  It was never about the water, but about how you approached the interaction.  And even now that you are both cross, it was not about the water, but how you imposed on them &amp;amp; reprimanded them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People value their freedom and don't like that being imposed on.  Now, they will do stuff your way as long a you are able to take them along for the joy ride.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People do more what you want as long as you have a socially savvy and pleasant way of &quot;implying&quot; it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine getting a child to play along with organizing their toys; scream, confront, scold or weave in their good mood what needs to be done.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Charm &amp;amp; Charisma to the rescue.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just point with a concerned smile and exclaim &quot;Oh, the water's going waste&quot;, without expressing any &quot;pressure&quot;. Just the light social way if you'd be annoyed by the smoke of a person smoking around you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on the &quot;item&quot; not the &quot;person&quot;. If they are/ were socially aware they'll pick up the cue without having to press or be imposing/ direct.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In being socially polite, they'll rectify the tiny act.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To add on if you deem it &quot;doable&quot; is to share one of your childhood anecdotes.. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;My grandmom/ mom in &quot;somewhere&quot; (Africa/ India/ Poland/ Arizona, New Mexico, Mexico) always used to say never to waste food &amp;amp; water&quot; with a smile.  Implied/ Hinted historical childhood Values handed down from people from a time when there was lack rather than excess.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the context of who you are, where you are and whats currently &quot;in the news&quot; you may be able to hint at the &quot;act&quot; &amp;amp; &quot;item&quot; rather than the person.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g. Drought in California due to lack of rains is another context.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="503" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T19:02:44.897" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T19:02:44.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1072" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1086" CreationDate="2017-07-30T13:17:02.513" Score="16" ViewCount="4894" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from England. When I first moved to a foreign, non-English-speaking, country (France), it was difficult for me to make friends, I had to deal with the language barrier and culture shock. Luckily, I found someone who spoke English and was quite smart. He was in the grade above me but was in the same school, we had the same interests, computers and video games; we both hated school, except he really did not care about his grades whereas I at least tried. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought I had decent friend who could help me integrate but as time went on, he became increasingly arrogant and obnoxious, he boasts about earning lots of money by selling custom-built computers, he's very manipulative and tries to extort/coerce me for some virtual money. In the end, all he cares about is himself and sees nothing else than that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had to hang out with him because he was the only one who spoke English and it was sort of a necessity in order to understand my surroundings and integrate myself into the new neighbourhood. Long story short, I found better friends to hang out with who do speak English and I can speak the native language better than before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I wish to stop being associated with an arrogant, selfish person like him but ignoring him will be hard. I may still need his help in the future, and, as far as I'm aware of, he's the only one who I share the interests with. I only wish he could be a bit more helpful and considerate but I doubt that's possible. I admit, I am academically anxious, and it boils me to the core to see him boast earning money, with an attitude like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to try and disassociate with him online and at school, hang out with people who I feel more comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user182" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T19:02:42.507" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T19:02:42.507" Title="How to disassociate with an obnoxious, arrogant, selfish friend" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1069" CreationDate="2017-07-30T13:36:32.153" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make an intelligent comment about the class &lt;strong&gt;after&lt;/strong&gt; the class to someone who behaves before the class the same way you do.  Not just &quot;good class!&quot; but pick out a point that you found particularly interesting (or puzzling) and frame it in a way that will lead to further discussion.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have nothing to lose by initiating a discussion with someone whose behavior is similar to yours, except perhaps a &quot;wasted&quot; 60 seconds if the person is not inclined to talk.  Do the experiment! If it fails, repeat the experiment with another student.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Professional meetings are always set up to allow ample time for &quot;corridor conversations&quot;.  The conversations you have with professional colleagues at a meeting -- many of whom you have never met before -- are as important as the formal presentations. Think of striking up a conversation after class not only as possibly making a school friend, but as training for your professional life.     &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T15:13:04.350" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T15:13:04.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="583" CreationDate="2017-07-30T14:00:06.980" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like there is no problem here.  You use the phrase “deliberately ignoring”, which seems to imply that you will say something that does not become included in a conversation, but the body of your question doesn't lend support to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are these always via 1–on–1 instant–messaging media, or are the also in forums that permit chatting amongst larger groups?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A conversation, or any other social interaction between people, acts like a reptile.  Yeah, bear with me on that one.  Reptiles don't regulate their body temperature internally the same way mammals and aves do:  so, if they need to get warmer they will sit in the sun or on a hot rock; they will go to the shade if they are getting too warm.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Relations between people are much the same way:  they will only grow as much as is contributed by all contributors, to be sure, but for any given group there is an optimal state of affairs which those people will subconsciously attempt to maintain.  They will reach out if they feel deprived, and retract if they feel overwhelmed.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you have the opportunity to observe a herd of goats, take the time to do so.  It could be entertaining, but you'll see some interesting similarities there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Some decent advice here, but perhaps I could recommend a somewhat different approach.  Ask yourself what you expect to get out of the interactions with this other person — but, more importantly, what you expect to give.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you really want someone to talk with you, then you could always say so.  Be honest but not greedy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is another thing for you to consider:  You don't give us examples of your conversations — and nobody here is asking you to do so! — but it is possible that this other person is not taking so lively an approach to your relationship as you are simply because they are attempting to be &lt;em&gt;polite&lt;/em&gt; in absence of deft social tact.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Maybe they think you are being a bit too much of a chatterbox, or attempting to steer the conversation down roads that they consider to be uncomfortable.  Maybe they tried to tell you such things, or maybe they didn't know how, or — whatever.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Something to think–about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T14:00:06.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="864" CreationDate="2017-07-30T14:24:24.890" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell them just that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your discomfort is not with the person — at least, not yet, — but with the ubiquity of devices that make it easy for anyone with the desire and know–how to eavesdrop and snoop.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Tell the person that you are not comfortable with such things, and that you will only permit yourself a modicum of conversation with anyone until they are willing to power–down or disconnect their devices, as necessary.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You probably shouldn't use those exact words, though, because it sounds too ominous for most people.  Say simply something like  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't trust { Google, Amazon, Apple }, and I really am not comfortable talking around smartphones or the like.  I know it probably sounds like a chore to you, but I don't think it is possible to have a private conversation if one of those devices is nearby with a battery installed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've done this a few times, and so long as I explain to them my reasoning, I usually get considerate responses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm not going to walk through every possible permutation of personality and protocol.  This is really all I have to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if this is a concern to you, you should inform the other person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if the other person doesn't take it seriously, or insults your concern, or simply doesn't want to comply, then apologize for the trouble, but not for the inconvenience:  it is not your failure to be concerned with these things while some other people are not.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the biggest concern should never be the threat you can see, but the possibility of the one which you cannot.  :-)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;More seriously, though, you should always be careful with what you say or do, even if only for privacy's sake.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you aren't attempting to have private conversations, or aren't in a private environment at all — well, then, what difference does it make whether someone carries a smartphone with audio recording software or whether someone stands on the street corner with an obvious video camera?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T14:24:24.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1069" CreationDate="2017-07-30T15:21:56.263" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I went through this over the past year (my freshman year in college). Most of my classes were small (~30 students) in comparison to the average first-year class at most colleges, and they were in a variety of subjects, two in my majors, and two outside my majors. I was already developing separate friend groups, but I still wanted to get to know people in my classes, especially those who will be studying the same subjects as me down the line. The takeaway from my year of friend-seeking was this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;It's easier to find friends who like what you like. Learn it together.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take, for instance, my introductory physics course first semester (special relativity and some intro quantum mechanics). Two thirds of the class reacted like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is so freaking awesome! It's almost always non-intuitive but it works out and the implications are &lt;em&gt;so cool&lt;/em&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last third of the class reacted like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is so freaking boring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in the first group, and let me tell you, we &lt;em&gt;loved&lt;/em&gt; to talk about the class, the ideas we discussed there, and how it all fit into physics as a whole. I can't count how many discussions spontaneously started later on around a random topic we had briefly mentioned in class. They went places I couldn't have foreseen them going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;#1: Don't study alone.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do mean this. You're likely studying things that are more intuitive than special relativity. But you're going to run into problems along the way. Some you can solve yourself; some you'll have to go to a professor or a TA to get answers to. But a fellow student, someone who's learning things just the way you are, might understand your difficulties even better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, it's going to be less convenient for you to go to study sessions. I had the same problem for one on Thursday night, which required me to have dinner later (9:00!). But I found that each time, someone caught one or two mistakes that I would have otherwise made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point is, go to a study session as often as you can. You don't have to do it regularly, but just once in a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;#2: Get to know your classmates in the study group.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the class is something in your major, then these classmates might also be your classmates in future classes. You'll need them for help, and they'll need you. Start building working relationships with them, where you understand each others' strengths and weaknesses. College is hell at times; don't go it alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;#3: Build on this.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go to some of these sessions and get to know these people, you're in prime position to start a friendship. I've gotten to know plenty of people for long-term projects, and there are almost always moments along the way - shared experiences, for instance - that lead to bonding. I think there's a good chance you'll find yourself unconsciously transitioning into a friendship regardless of whether you choose to or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to make a conscious effort, that's fine! Again, you have some central experiences, which are almost always a basic talking point. You know the people to some degree; that's not insignificant. If you want to hang out socially, do that! It's easy. Start with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, after we finish, do you want to go to the dining hall and get some food? I hear there's a specialty salad bar tonight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also use&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been talking about game theory a bit in class. Has anyone here seen &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Beautiful_Mind_(film)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;A Beautiful Mind&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I basically used the above method to make some of my earliest friends last autumn. It helped that some of us interacted in other areas (e.g. sports), but I was still able to get to know people socially. Physics is cool (in our opinions), and by learning it together, we created some pretty strong bonds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T21:18:05.303" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-30T17:37:15.967" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't like game-playing of that kind. I'd say, call it. Don't ask questions if they will play games with it, because you want dialogue and they want points. You're a friend/colleague, not a target for someone else's game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Not interested, sorry&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If patient, wait a long while - weeks or months - and then tell them your perception of how they act, with a couple of examples of how you feel, and tell them you don't enjoy it, and you'd like them not to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T17:37:15.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1072" CreationDate="2017-07-30T17:50:33.017" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't answer his calls. Block his number. Don't call him. Unfriend him on Facebook. Don't visit him. Don't answer the door if he visits. Leave if he comes talk to you. Leave if he comes talk to your group. Don't ask for his help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2124" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T17:50:33.017" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1082" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-30T18:27:40.103" Score="15" ViewCount="2824" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often when talking to many of my friends, they often try to put themselves down by commenting that they are not &quot;amazing&quot; and that they are not good enough. Often persuading them otherwise is a futile attempt, sometimes even causing an argument and making them feel worse (and potentially damaging their relationship). It's also worth noting that these conversations take place over a messaging service, and physically visiting them isn't exactly a viable option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way I could approach this issue to help them feel more self important, or feel better about themselves, or is it better (and easier) to simply not discuss the matter further to prevent an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To help you better understand I'll provide 2 examples of this, please bear in mind I am trying to get a general response to the question, rather than a solution that just fits these 2 examples (however feel free to use these 2 examples to show how I should reply).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example 1:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: Nuuuu I look ugly&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: No you don't what do you mean you look amazing!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: No I don't&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Yes you do!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc... (this goes on for however long)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example 2:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: I'm actually pretty weak, useless like I am at most things&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: No you're not, you're great!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: No I'm not (&lt;em&gt;inserts generic excuse about how they have a negative impact on those around them&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then the conversation goes downhill from there...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth noting that these are not &quot;humble brags&quot;, they do genuinely mean this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-07-30T19:16:42.453" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T12:14:16.127" Title="How to respond to a friend with little to no self confidence and often doesn't feel good about themselves" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1082" CreationDate="2017-07-30T21:23:58.917" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Actually, you can't, on your own, counter their lack of self-esteem. Self-esteem is the perceived value of yourself, and as such, the only thing you can do is to try to talk them out of the mood that keeps them in such manner. You can try to understand what is the root of the problem if it's isolated but if it's a constant, continuous, &quot;I suck at everything&quot; then it's bigger than a wrong attitude toward oneself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Constant self-bashing is a common sign of depression and is usually one of most unrecognized way of asking for help to others. Ask them how they're feeling, if they have any issues  or if they need to talk. Try to change their mind and something that will distract them. And if you feel that they might require more help that you are able to give, ask them to see their doctor or a psychiatrist. Depression is a serious illness that shouldn't be overlooked and a lot of people are suffering without even knowing they have it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, do not try to carry the person's burden yourself. Even if it's your friend, if he or she needs more help than you can give, do not commit to making them feel better. That person will likely end up having to depend on you for cheering her and will most likely bring you down at the same time, crashing both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2129" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T20:58:02.713" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T20:58:02.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1082" CreationDate="2017-07-30T21:28:58.420" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see two approaches here. Living as we are in a world where the amazing seems ubiquitous and competitiveness is set as the standard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One approach is to &lt;strong&gt;ask why&lt;/strong&gt; they feel so down. It may be nothing to do with the remarks made, but with having a hard period in life or even just a (series of) bad night(s). Or that time of the month. When addressed and given room to vent the air may clear. But that room to vent is essential. Once the negative emotions are all out in the open there may be room to turn the mood around, or not, but in any case you have to give them the opportunity to get rid of it. And that is worth gold in itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then there is the campaign where you point out in great detail why you appreciate the person, and what you see as &lt;strong&gt;their qualities&lt;/strong&gt;. This is your opinion so nothing &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; say can upend the argument! What is important here is to build it on fact so it cannot be denied, debunked, trivialized. Be prepared to be ignored during the conversation anyway, but concrete arguments do have power and hopefully will help long after the conversation has ended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, that you are trusted to be the recipient of rather uncensored remarks is a great compliment. Not many people are good listeners, but you seem to be one of them. Kudos for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-31T02:37:27.657" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T02:37:27.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1085" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="486" CreationDate="2017-07-30T22:57:36.157" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they are recognizable in the photograph, then yes--absolutely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using someone's image in a publicly-displayed place is illegal when it is for a commercial or exploitative purpose.   And a restaurant review is commercial, whether you yourself are making money or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although this sounds like a remnant from a far-away age, people have a moral right to live their lives without unnecessary molestation or exploitation.   All this internet / mobile phone stuff is still somewhat new to the culture, but common manners and decent respect for the rights of others are still not obsolete.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any decent imaging software will allow you to blur portions of a photograph.   If you feel that you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; post this photo, then anonymize the faces of others that haven't given their explicit permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastEditorUserId="2065" LastEditDate="2017-07-31T03:22:41.627" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T03:22:41.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1072" CreationDate="2017-07-30T23:06:07.557" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given what you're trying to accomplish, here, your goal is to be civil, but no more than civil, with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, be friendly, respectful, and courteous to him, but decline his invitations, and find ways to cut conversations with him short before they go down the rabbit hole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presuming that he is just an asshole, and not mentally ill or autistic, he will--soon enough--pare you back to his outer social circle.   A braggart's lifeblood is the (seeming) admiration of others.   If you don't provide him anything that smells like that, he'll go seeking greener pastures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastActivityDate="2017-07-30T23:06:07.557" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1087" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-30T23:19:57.197" Score="35" ViewCount="4189" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, I have to give presentations in school, and of course the number of those presentations is just going to increase (I'm just entering highschool).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a classic nerd and my social skills are...well...um...not too great. I can talk to my friends just fine, but when I talk to people I don't know too well, especially ones I'm going to &lt;em&gt;see&lt;/em&gt; tomorrow if I completely bomb, is not my cup of tea. Giving a presentation of any sort is also not my forte. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get very obviously red-faced, I have trouble speaking loudly enough, my palms are sweaty as all get out, and my hands make their way into my pockets. And I stumble through, messing up my sentences. It's not great. And the more mistakes I catch myself making, the more embarrassed I get, and the worse it gets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I calm myself down as I'm speaking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2128" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-10T04:23:50.293" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T20:33:07.513" Title="How can I calm myself down when giving a presentation?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;&lt;public-speaking&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-11-21T08:14:00.540" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1088" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-07-31T00:24:55.540" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Get a small group of friends together and rehearse with them as the audience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it as realistic as you can.  They should be seated in chairs in front of you, as though they were an audience.  You should stand in front of them with whatever notes you will have on The Day.  If you will be standing behind a lectern, simulate that with a table.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Above all, you and your friends should be serious.  No joking, no giggling.  Maybe the mother of one of your friends or an older sister could take the part of the teacher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will accomplish two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not only will the material be more familiar, but so will the setting.  This &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dress%20rehearsal&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;dress rehearsal&lt;/a&gt; will be very different than practicing in your room or in front of a mirror.   &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some of the people you don't want to see the next day if you &quot;bomb&quot; will be definitely on your side.  They will see how much this means to you, and whatever the outcome on The Day, will still be on your side.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this does not &lt;em&gt;guarantee&lt;/em&gt; that you will be a success on The Day, but it will increase your chances.  Nothing guarantees anything.  All we can ever do is tilt the probabilities towards success. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dress rehearsals are always held in the theater.  They are the time to find and solve all the glitches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-31T02:59:46.900" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T02:59:46.900" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-07-31T00:44:40.350" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't really like it when others swear. I myself don't swear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, unless something someone else says is especially frustrating to me (i.e., I don't call out some of the more minor uses of strong language, but use of significantly stronger language I might say something like, &quot;hey, could you not use that language?&quot; or whatever) I don't bother them about it. (This of course is in my friend circle, I don't really listen to many conversations out of it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, just not swearing myself when, as you said, &quot;profanity is thrown around [...] like clothes in a dryer&quot; actually kind of sticks with people. I didn't realize this, but I've overhead mentions of it now and again. I think people actually respect me all the more for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like politics, death, public speaking, and money, religion is one of those words that gets people on edge. Don't bring that up. If someone says something particularly atrocious say something like, &quot;hey, can you go easy on the cuss words? it kind of bothers me&quot; or &quot;hey, no need for that&quot;, or even &quot;really?&quot;. Otherwise I'd suggest just thinking about what you're saying, not others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's up to you whether you repeat that new gossip, the latest cuss word, or wear some new style. Choose what you do based on your beliefs. Others will notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2128" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T00:44:40.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1023" CreationDate="2017-07-31T02:25:09.963" Score="4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Portray yourself as a critical reader&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People might be dismissive or snarky about motivation books/presentations because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;their experience with them suggests they often have bad advice&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;other people they know who use them might have a cargo cult approach&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;some self-help authors are clearly in it for the money, using their books to gain an audience who they can then sell outrageously priced seminars to&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As with all advice, you should be approaching it critically, questioning how much your personal situation matches those described by the author, and reviewing the results of the advice after you've tried it. As long as you portray yourself like this to your friends, there shouldn't be any need for your friends to be snarky. But even if they are, then explain that you're tentatively testing the advice to see if it would be effective in your personal circumstances, and explain both some of the advice you've found poor and some you've found effective. Be the self-help scientist!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T02:25:09.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1092" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-07-31T03:26:41.930" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;I too am a verified geek. I even went through high school with a briefcase and pocket protector. To compound the problem my family moved very frequently (attended 13 public schools, from 21 addresses, in the 12 years from 1st to 12th grade). Consequently I seldom even bothered to try making friends. Giving presentations on any subject other than computers was the nightmare to be avoided at all costs. As you have deduced, in high school that option just will not be viable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At one school (junior high in my case) I had an instructor who recognized my predicament and suggested that I give the school's Toastmasters club a try. It was the mathematics teacher, who also taught some computer classes, which I wasn't able to take. If it had been an English instructor or almost any other subject I probably wouldn't have even paid attention, let alone consider it. As a &lt;em&gt;fellow nerd&lt;/em&gt; I did give his suggestion some thought and decided it couldn't hurt. The club met at a time that didn't interfere with my computer access window, so it was spare time anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Glad I am that I did go there. That was the most fruitful semester I've ever connected with any school, and it was an extra curricular activity, not even a class. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest part of what you can learn from them is how to gain confidence in speaking. The members of the club may, or may not, become friends in some fashion, but a friend or not, they will not hesitate to call you out for doing things you shouldn't when speaking. At the same time, they will support you and encourage you, giving advice useful to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; because they will see you as you are now, and can help you get to where you want to be. And with your likely career path, speaking is probably going to be a significant part of your professional life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple, possibly helpful, pointers for immediate use, with or without Toastmasters. Learn the material that you are going to present well enough that you don't need notes to give the lecture. That's not the same as memorizing the speech, however, it's truly &lt;em&gt;knowing&lt;/em&gt; the material. Your note cards are the plan for the presentation, not the text of the presentation. You can &lt;em&gt;write&lt;/em&gt; the speech, in several drafts if you wish, using the skills you probably learned for writing essays in English. That will help you focus on what you know, and what you need to learn, to present the material properly. It also helps to organize the material in a manner that is proper for a presentation rather than an informal chat with a group of friends. (you know, the 3-part plan: tell them what you will tell them; tell them what you said you would tell them; tell them what you told them.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you've researched the subject properly, planned the speech, and done all the prep work, including the audio/visual aides, you are &lt;em&gt;technically&lt;/em&gt; ready for the presentation. Most of that is likely close to what you would do anyway. Maybe more explicit, but not unique. However, it forms the groundwork for dealing with the real problem you've expressed. Having done all the research, you now know more than anyone else, except possibly the instructor, about that subject. Anyone who pays attention to your presentation &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; learn something they didn't already know. You are now the expert, and as the expert, you have the authority to speak. You cannot require that they listen, but you will know it is their loss, not yours, if they don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of this means that you may not still be nervous, you may &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; be nervous when giving a presentation. Even once you are five times your current age. That is acceptable. The audience will not care that you are nervous once they realize that you &lt;em&gt;know what you are talking about.&lt;/em&gt; Also, once you get started with the presentation, you will also forget that you are nervous. Instead, you will be focused on the material, and your nervous behaviors will become less, and bother you less. You cannot reliably fake confidence any more that you can reliably fake knowledge, so don't try to do either. Get the knowledge and have confidence in the facts, and then you just become the delivery system for the information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, enough rambling. Seriously, get in a Toastmasters club, somewhere, and you'll never regret it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="27" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T18:30:38.357" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T18:30:38.357" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1093" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-07-31T03:38:19.393" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You actually seem to be a very good presenter who understands how to present. You're not creating boring walls of text on PowerPoint - you're using them as aids to supplement your presentation, and not to become the visual focus (which should be done). You have an understanding of various presentation techniques, such as presenter notes as well. I think that is amazing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you have a lack of confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't worry! You're not alone. Presenting in front of a group of people can be &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; intimidating. I've been a teacher for four years, and it's something that I see fairly often (you might be able to tell that I really challenge my students!). Confidence is one of those things that you have to build over time - through practice, feedback, experience, and the whole loop. Find a debate team or other clubs and societies at your school that gives you exposure to talking. Participate. Develop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often try and provide people with various techniques to develop their confidence. Presenting can actually be lots of fun once you get the hang of it! I don't want to focus on the &amp;quot;preparation&amp;quot; stuff - you seem to be doing that already. I want to focus more on techniques while you are presenting and just before (especially since you don't always have a large timeframe). You already know the &amp;quot;know your material,&amp;quot; &amp;quot;breathe&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;practice and practice even more&amp;quot; arguments that are told very frequently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, here are a few things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Distract yourself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No! That doesn't mean you get a fidget spinner! You need to find a distraction that is for you, and yourself only. Something that you can't ignore, but something that is also hidden. Personally, I like to use one of my nails and &amp;quot;dig&amp;quot; into one of my fingers. Not too much so that it hurts a lot and starts bleeding, but enough so that it's difficult to ignore. That can help distract you from the environment enough to at least help you to calm down. Granted, that's not for everyone, but I'm sure you can find something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Get a buddy in your audience&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, you can get nervous because you don't know how you're performing. Find a friend who will be in your audience to give you visual cues as to how you are doing. Are you going too fast? Too slow? Need a second to breathe? Find a friend who can give you hand signals from the audience to give you real-time feedback. Don't forget to reciprocate for your friend if they'd want that as well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Eliminate the &amp;quot;big thing&amp;quot; from your mind&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can start to view presenting as not something where you are lecturing your classmates/audience, but as something where you are instead &lt;em&gt;discussing&lt;/em&gt;, like a discussion group or colloquium, you can help calm down since you will start having a more natural conversation. Ask questions and interact with your audience. See what's going on. If you're nervous that nobody will answer, use a different technique, such as asking yourself the question or asking a rhetorical question. If you feel that you are on the same level as your classmates, and you're not doing a &amp;quot;big&amp;quot; thing but rather teaching and learning in your presentation, then you can make it feel like a more natural, normal school day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mistakes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of them are just in your head. Your mind is probably in a bit of an overdrive mode and you're being very critical of yourself (also due to a lack of self-confidence). Saying &amp;quot;erm&amp;quot; from time to time isn't always a bad thing - if it happens, it happens. If you say a different word than you intended, make a joke out of it. Brighten everyone up. You're here to engage your audience, so these are perfect moments. No one is expecting you to be perfect, so don't think you have to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T18:35:19.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1094" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1096" CreationDate="2017-07-31T06:59:57.180" Score="17" ViewCount="4049" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend, Let's call him &quot;Jack&quot; and the problem I have is that ever since he has started watching some YouTubers, he has now wanted to act like them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was to walk down in street he will sometimes &lt;strong&gt;yell out stupid words&lt;/strong&gt; to be &quot;cool&quot; and maybe do stupid actions as well, trying to get attention on him and sometimes he talks about stuff I don't find comfortable, for example, he likes to say &quot;rape&quot; a lot, and I don't really feel happy about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have told him to stop (kinda). When I told him to stop he kinda like, shrugged it off and this happened near the mall and I told him to stop because he was attracting way too much attention for me and my other friends liking. I said...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Jack, you got to quiet down dude, people are looking at us and well I don't like that&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; The very next day he was quite calm but within 3 days, he became the attention seeking person I didn't like. I did speak to my mother about this but she did not know what to do, I asked my brother and he just told me to grow up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just don't want to sound rude to him or to feel like I am forcing him to change, but ever since he has watched those YouTubers, he has become an attention-seeking person who talks about topics that make me feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell him that he is making me uncomfortable and that he should stop being an attention-seeker in public (because that also brings attention to me in public and I don't like being a scene)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(BTW Jack and I are around 13 and in high school in NZ).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2147" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T09:59:21.333" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T13:34:10.773" Title="How to tell a friend to stop being rude and an attention seeker?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;new-zealand&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1095" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-07-31T08:01:14.313" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;On top of other answers that give great advice like &lt;em&gt;practice/rehearse in front of friends&lt;/em&gt;, here's what I started doing when I had to talk in front of people...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I first had to give a presentation in front of people, I wasn't able to rehearse like that. But I was lucky enough to be in a half-darkened room because of the use of a video projector.&#xA;If this happens to you, as you mention slides and pictures, I think you can use the old trick some actors use on stage :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look at the light of the beam, and focus on it while speaking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, people in front of you see that you look straight ahead.&#xA;This also helps you in the way that you don't catch one's eyes staring at you (or feeling so, which makes you feel very uncomfortable...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's no video/pictures that require that lights are down, look as far as you can, to the wall in front of you. You do a presentation for a room, not for a couple of people sitting in the front row, so the ones sitting at the back feel like they get your attention, and you &quot;do the show&quot; for them first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Put a timer on the desk and look at it once in a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This helps you keep each part of the presentation small and sharp. Don't put too much unnecessary emphasis. Keep things simple, and straight to the point, easy to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Move. Don't stand still. Focus on body language too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually start in front of the desk (if any). Then, for each segment of the presentation, I first move left a couple of steps. Explain next part. Move right. Explain next part. And so on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have a couple of funny comments that will help release the burden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And don't bother if people don't say anything while you process, they may be just listening ^^ and keep questions for when you end. &lt;strong&gt;Focus on your task, stick to the plan, and not on what they may think about you at the time.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Never forget that stage fright comes along with talent :)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T19:01:54.807" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T19:01:54.807" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1096" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1094" CreationDate="2017-07-31T08:34:22.137" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel you. It must be uncomfortable to hang out with someone like that. Keep in mind, however, that throughout life our own personalities change, and it seems to me that your friend is discovering his extroverted being, and though the process of discovery can be awkward, if you give space for your friend to be, in time he will become more adept at it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having an extrovert among a group of introverted friends is a blessing (and vice verse), but the challenge is giving each other space to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would tell him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jack, you're a cool fool but sometimes your antics are off the charts. If you don't mind I will walk away when this happens because it makes me uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then really make an effort on being there through his antics, don't automatically roll your eyes because he's seeking attention, cheer on when he's doing good and skulk away when he's embarrassing. Then he has feedback when he's doing good or bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to change a friend is something we all go through, and I suppose everyone who had tried it will say it's better to either accept people as they are or to walk away if you are unwilling to accept. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By trying to change people you just damage the relationship and then things drift in different directions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1929" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T11:50:03.243" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T11:50:03.243" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-07-31T08:56:46.217" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who is/was in the bad habit of doing this I would say this type of behavior can be triggered by presenting extremist positions. If you tell a person like me &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The hyperloop is amazing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will gladly point out the physical difficulties which make it practically impossible. At the same time when someone would tell me &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The hyperloop is a useless hype&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably point out that even if the hyperloop doesn't ever get build, at least the research and money that gets thrown into it might very well end up useful in other areas. People like this feel the need to 'balance out' any extreme positions when they feel like the real answer is more nuanced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to answer your question, I think the best way to approach these kinds of people is to ensure you keep nuanced positions. And whenever such a person takes the opposite position of you realize that their opinion isn't as extreme as what they present. People who enjoy debate (note that debate has nothing to do with arguing) will often realize that to properly answer or consider any issue there isn't a simple one-sided answer. So in a conversation with such people, it's valuable to realize that they aren't trying to antagonize you by opposing you, but instead, they sincerely would enjoy debating it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, that doesn't change the fact that you might hate debating something. And the feeling of someone contradicting you, again and again, is something most humans sincerely hate. If it's a friend or anyone you have a better relationship with I would personally just recommend sitting down with them and telling them that you don't share their love for debating stuff and that it often leaves you feeling antagonized. Don't expect that to change their behavior, but it will allow you to drop a reaction like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Fair point... but like, do you agree at least a bit that it might be far fetched?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing that I have to note is that there are also people who only purely want to 'win' any conversation they get into. Those are the people who will attack in response to a question like the above. Personally, I am not entirely sure how to handle those type of people best, although I would personally go with variations of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I doubt you're right, but who knows, maybe I am wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you don't give them the satisfaction of winning, without antagonizing them too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2156" LastEditorUserId="2156" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T20:05:37.407" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T20:05:37.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-07-31T09:24:03.603" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would recommend a simple guide you would need to practice, which helps from day 1:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What helped me to &lt;strong&gt;canalize the nervousness&lt;/strong&gt; was to hold an item on the hands, it can be a pen or a paper, but this helps so you don't think anymore on what to do with the hands.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You should have &lt;strong&gt;enough material&lt;/strong&gt; for the time you have to talk, when you read the title of the slide, you should know what to tell, but do not expect you will read it the day of the presentation, because it reflects lack of preparation, and is harder to focus when there are long readings. &lt;strong&gt;Preparation should be something will give you very much confidence&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Learn the basics of a presentation: introduction, content, and farewell (this makes you control when you are going to end), don't worry if you take shorter time than expected, &lt;strong&gt;be flexible with yourself&lt;/strong&gt;, it's harder task for you than any other person, forgive your mistakes, don't blame yourself before/after. Don't surrender, you will improve with practice 100% sure.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Having a paper/folio with notes and points you are going to talk about. Even if you don't use it, after all, it may help to dissimulate while you are actually thinking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Admit openly that you are or will be nervous&lt;/strong&gt;. Trying to pretend you aren't nervous will emphasize the fact. So I have seen many people starting a presentation saying &quot;I am a little nervous&quot;, although it is not necessary, you have to just expect you will be nervous for sure, then you will not think about it when you are nervous and in scene, and you will feel you are starting to control it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After finishing your first presentation, you should have the &lt;strong&gt;desire to have another one&lt;/strong&gt;, to overcome and control your feelings. This is something you gain with practice. You don't even need to put much of effort, just following small tips that you think will work for you from the things you read to self-help.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an emergency situation, such if you can't control your body due to stress:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can sit down in a chair, or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can turn the back on your spectators while you talk, looking to the projection, and turning from time to time to look to the spectators (this may degrade very much the score of the assessment).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2155" LastEditorUserId="2155" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T23:34:11.523" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T23:34:11.523" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1099" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1119" CreationDate="2017-07-31T10:34:37.343" Score="51" ViewCount="137898" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a situation where I need to quickly address someone I don't know, how can I do so without using gendered language?  For example, as a retail worker, if a customer was to leave their credit card behind I'd naturally say &quot;Excuse me! Sir! You left your card behind.&quot; Or if I were a steward on a train I'd naturally say &quot;Ma'am, Please move your bag from the aisle.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I need to get someone's attention, don't know that person's name, want to be polite, and want to avoid &quot;Sir&quot; or &quot;Ma'am&quot; because maybe the person isn't either, what do I say?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question was prompted by a Facebook post from a non-binary friend who got agitated about being addressed as ma'am while on a train. This got me thinking about what possible non-binary/gender-neutral alternatives there are out there. I'm specifically talking about respectfully referring to people whose names you don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend and I are both based in the UK but answers for other cultures would also be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2161" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T07:11:21.547" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T15:58:08.703" Title="What are appropriate gender-agnostic alternatives to sir/ma'am?" Tags="&lt;honorifics&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1099" CreationDate="2017-07-31T10:35:39.640" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;After spending some time googling I found the following options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mx (pronounced Meh-zzz) - sort for Mix or where the x acted as a replacement for the r/iss/s/rs part of the title, could be perceived as a typo in written communications though&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ser - from Morrowind where all people are referred to as Serah&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Per - short for person&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ri - respected individual&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;context relative words/phrases e.g. &quot;fellow traveler&quot; of on a train or bus, the bristolian &quot;drive&quot; when addressing a bus or taxi driver (cheers drive), usual titles like doctor, nurse, officer, potentially extending to server if you're in a restaurant etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comrade - gender neutral, respectful . Might not go down to well in heavily capitalist areas (my personal favorite)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Citizen - more capitalist focused alternative to comrade.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ji - from Hindi, usually used as a suffix (e.g. Mamaji, Papaji are respectful terms for mother and father) but could be repurposed here&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Patron - for addressing a customer as a company representative&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My Liege - if you happen to be in the middle of a middle ages reenactment&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to just use variations of mate/buddy things like that but I'm not a particularly formal person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2161" LastEditorUserId="2161" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T09:08:20.417" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T09:08:20.417" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-07-31T11:01:30.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I calm myself down as I'm speaking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actively calming yourself down in a situation like that is what produces the sweat and makes your face red. It is difficult and VERY exhausting. The more you try, the more difficult it becomes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be a bit of an unusual answer, but it is what helped me: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Screw up a presentation on purpose. Make sure it's not an important one for your grade but then come completely underprepared and try to make every mistake you can possibly think of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to make sure you know going in that there will be a couple of laughs and that the teacher is probably gonna want to talk about your performance with you afterwards. Depending on your relationship with that teacher you might tell him/her the truth or not. But it doesn't matter. It's not about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's about you seeing what the worst possible outcome could be, and experiencing it willingly. After that, you will be a lot calmer in those situations as even if you screw up a couple of little things, it will never be as bad as that one was. If it's with the same teacher, he might even see your next one as a great improvement, even if you do screw up here and there ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2165" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T18:56:11.093" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T18:56:11.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-07-31T11:50:13.237" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find this situation very relatable. It is easy to practice, making pointers for each slide, and prepare in every way possible but when it's time to give the presentation, the heart starts pounding and we become sweaty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you should try to focus more on what you are speaking rather than thinking about calming yourself down. You are just getting caught up in an endless cycle of balancing between your presentation and staying calm and composed. And that is ruining all your efforts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I would suggest you look into the eyes of the audience, preferably towards people who are more likely to understand your ppt(considering there are some people like that already in the audience)&#xA;Even if there are none, looking in the eyes will force people to pay attention to you. You'll find some people nodding their heads, or paying close attention to your presentation. Looking at these people during the presentation will boost your confidence a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="142" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T18:57:01.603" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T18:57:01.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-07-31T13:59:21.057" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I took a public speaking course when I got into high school &amp;amp; it helped immensely.  If you don't want to take a class, maybe ask some of the English teachers to assist you on listening to things you present for just 10-12 minutes after school.  What that course taught me was how to speak on anything with no preparation.  We had an exercise we did daily where different people were on rotation so you were going to speak at least once a week, for 2-5minutes on a topic you were handed as you walked to the front.  You got 1 minute to think if needed &amp;amp; then you had to start.  I still remember on my first draw I got &quot;pencils&quot;.  I was not very pleased. Topics like that though helped make the ones I could prepare for seem to much less intimidating and the fact that everyone there was getting these awful topics with no warning was great.  It was like we were all in the same terrible predicament and you do end up giving some really stupid funny bad speeches.  My one on pencils wasn't exactly amazing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do think you could do this without the class though, as I said, with a teacher willing to help you out (and I am betting you have one or two that would be willing to do some coaching).  The more you get used to standing at the podium and talking, the easier it gets, even without a full class.  A teacher has heard enough speeches too that they can give you some really great feedback as well.  I am sure it's likely less stressful than standing in front of social peers, but it is still helpful.  When I've given speeches, if it's possible I practice in the location first.  Even if there is hardly anyone to hear it, like maybe people setting up, you'd be surprised that you still have that feeling of maybe thinking you sound awful.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T13:59:21.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-07-31T14:54:02.400" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of quick hacks are controlled breathing, and stand with your legs apart, about the same width apart as your shoulders. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The latter is known as the 'power pose' and has been used notoriously by politicians in the UK when addressing large crowds: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/11937158/Body-language-how-to-look-confident-and-powerful-unlike-George-Osborne.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/11937158/Body-language-how-to-look-confident-and-powerful-unlike-George-Osborne.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Body language research has shown it to be rather effective at reducing nervousness and increasing confidence during public speaking. One of the co-authors of the study has since doubted its effectiveness, but it has worked for me, and it may for you too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1886" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T14:54:02.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1105" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1099" CreationDate="2017-07-31T15:09:10.493" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;If Sir or Madam are deemed to be inappropriate, then the only realistic alternative when it comes to personal pronouns is to ask the person what they prefer to be referred to as. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Transport for London (TfL) opted recently to change the announcement on the Tube from &quot;ladies and gentlemen&quot; to &quot;hello everyone&quot;. Usefully, collective nouns can refer to people without referring to gender. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, without knowing a person's preference, it's rather difficult to know which words to use. An option to be would be to avoid using pronouns and use a simple greeting, like hello or good evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1886" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T09:17:22.693" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T09:17:22.693" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1099" CreationDate="2017-07-31T15:27:35.777" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honorifics and/or pronouns will vary depending on the individual, and guessing and getting it wrong is often hurtful. It's better to just ask if you don't know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking can seem a little awkward if you're not used to it, but in my experience people often appreciate that you're trying to be respectful. If it's just a quick encounter with a stranger, you really don't need to use gendered words at all, just introduce yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi I'm SoAndSo, and you are?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you just need to get someone's attention you can try the antiquated:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're likely to interact with the person regularly, ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi I'm Mr. SoAndSo, my pronouns are he him, and you are?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking an awkward question is a lot less awkward than the awkwardness of getting it wrong...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Entertaining side note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had friends that used the they/them convention, although this can lead to some interesting misunderstandings... One time I was visiting a friend and showed up a little early, when I knocked on the door a roommate answered and told me that &quot;they are in the shower&quot; which led me to wonder who they were in the shower with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T15:27:35.777" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1107" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1108" CreationDate="2017-07-31T15:42:59.297" Score="14" ViewCount="4239" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are different situations where I would like to ask a friend or a roommate to do something or to stop doing something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I have a roommate that sometimes doesn't wash his dishes and I don't like it. How can I politely ask him to wash the dishes without being preachy and without offending him? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another issue I have with this is that anytime I ask him for something, I feel bad or even guilty, even though I assume what I am asking is pretty reasonable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it normal to feel bad about asking other people for things or am I doing something wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. In case the cultural context is important: we live in the apartments in the United States, but originally we're from different countries, same age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2179" LastEditorUserId="2179" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T15:08:03.283" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T15:08:03.283" Title="How to ask a friend/roommate to do/to stop doing something? And how not to feel bad asking?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1108" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1107" CreationDate="2017-07-31T15:54:00.510" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Appeal to the personal and the collective self-interest, ie 'we will all benefit from this' and refer to 'we' rather than 'you' when suggesting changes in behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, &quot;we will all benefit from cleaning up the kitchen when we have cooked food&quot;, or &quot;I think we should clean up after ourselves when we have finished using the kitchen, because it keeps the kitchen clean for everyone to use, and we take responsibility for our own things.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using the word 'you' can sound accusatory and somewhat aggressive. Using the collective 'we' is much more positive and suggests a collective effort towards the common good of all housemates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Appealing to the self-interest of the housemate in question shows that by collectively changing everyone's behaviour, including them but not exclusively them, everyone will benefit, and the suggestion will be seen as a positive suggestion, and not as a confrontation or accusatory comment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1886" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-31T15:58:02.753" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T15:58:02.753" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1107" CreationDate="2017-07-31T16:04:20.917" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is just a part of living with other people... Having roommates is usually fun like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being direct and consistent is usually a good way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't forget the dishes you left in the sink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't being unfair or unreasonable, but many roommates I've had over the years saw it that way. They were accustomed to living with mothers who would clean up after them. Sometimes you have to be clear that that's no longer the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same goes for making reasonable requests of a roommate. If your roommate hasn't been out of mom's house long they may not be entirely aware that toilet paper can be purchased at the store, asking them to pitch in is completely reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More or less it's a matter of establishing what you're expecting from your roommates. Asking for basic consideration isn't rude. No reason to feel uncomfortable about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a house meeting and just generally discussing how you and your roommate want to address the cleaning, shopping, and bills is a good way to start. Some of my roommates were the type to do dishes immediately after their meal, while others preferred to wait till the end of the day, be prepared to be a little flexible when coming to agreements about these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T16:04:20.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1094" CreationDate="2017-07-31T16:44:58.330" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might sometimes take Jack aside and say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What you did sounds great on Youtube, but it doesn't always work in&#xA;  the real-world.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't do this &quot;all&quot; the time. Specifically, don't do this when he is getting &quot;cheers&quot; from others, and probably not when the results are &quot;neutral.&quot; But pull him aside at the times he embarrasses himself (and perhaps you). For instance, when he yells &quot;rape&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal is not to get him to &quot;quit,&quot; but to use discretion when he does so. It's most likely a &quot;phase&quot; that he (and other teens) are going through, but an occasional hint might speed up the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T14:33:59.250" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T14:33:59.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1107" CreationDate="2017-07-31T16:54:04.797" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The television show the Big Bang Theory makes light of Sheldon's obsessive adherence to a farcical &lt;a href=&quot;http://bigbangtheory.wikia.com/wiki/The_Roommate_Agreement&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;roommate agreement&lt;/a&gt;.  How ever such an agreement can help avoid this type of disagreement, or any misunderstandings about expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The television show has one that is practically all inclusive of any potential (and some unrealistic) situations.  That is the part that is overboard and farcical, but the concept is clear and helpful.  Expectations of cleanliness and housekeeping duties enumerated and spelled out can help avoid fighting about things like this later.  Or at least provide a ground work to have a constructive conversation when one of you fails to live up to the duties you agreed to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When creating the agreement you should do so together.  A quick search of the internet provides several basic agreements that you can work off of to help start it off.  One of them may even serve your purposes with little adjustment.  And then if something comes up that needs to be addessed in the agreement that is not, you can work with your roommate to craft an amendment to the agreement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T16:54:04.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1114" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1120" CreationDate="2017-07-31T17:27:34.503" Score="7" ViewCount="2368" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I am listening to a friend and they say something along the lines of &quot;It doesnt seem like you are interested in this&quot; or &quot;It seems like I am annoying you&quot; when I feel that I am genuinely engaged in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that I am not providing the social cues that they are used to when having conversations, what social cues should I be using and when should I use them? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background: I am a US college undergraduate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T15:40:51.640" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T15:40:51.640" Title="How do I show interest in what someone is saying in a one on one interaction?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;social-cues&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1082" CreationDate="2017-07-31T17:32:01.330" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've dealt with this quite a few times. Both with others and myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sometimes &lt;strong&gt;use logic&lt;/strong&gt; to break whatever fallacy makes them think they're unappealing. It won't cheer them up long term, but might help them stop obsessing over that quality. After that, follow-up with &lt;strong&gt;supportive comments&lt;/strong&gt;. Also, &lt;strong&gt;be honest&lt;/strong&gt;. Trying to convince them without being sincere won't help much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them for concrete reasons why they think what they think. Something like having a pimple, being overweight, being shy, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point out why that one quality doesn't define a person. A pimple is only .1% of your face. Being overweight doesn't take away from other positive physical or personal qualities.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them if they'd feel that way about another person who is like them. They most likely will say no. Would you make fun of someone for being quiet? Having a pimple? etc&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give a positive comment contradicting their statement. They may have a pimple, but they have beautiful eyes and smile. They have a very elegant long legs. Make great jokes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this helps me. Sad people sometimes sink into negative thoughts which might not reflect reality. You get focused entirely on a bad quality and miss the good ones. This sort of thing can help your mind escape. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T17:32:01.330" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1116" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="99" CreationDate="2017-07-31T17:45:14.260" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;How to make small talk:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Create a topic, doesn't matter what it is&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Involve them in that topic. Ask follow-up questions. &lt;em&gt;When in doubt, ask about them.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mention yourself, but less than you do them&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking is a skill. Have you ever noticed some people can bring up topics out of thin air, and make it seem engaging?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It not easy, but &lt;strong&gt;small talk isn't about what you're saying it's how both parties feel during the conversation&lt;/strong&gt; Like Christopher said, make sure to involve them heavily. This will make them feel understood and valued. They will also, ironically, find you more interesting. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.succeedsocially.com/smalltalk&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Why do we make small-talk?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give it a try. Talk about elephants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Did you hear about that elephant that gave birth last month in Jakarta?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No, I'm not into animals.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Aw! Why not? Haven't you been to a zoo?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't like zoos.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I love them! Why don't you like them?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorDisplayName="user2191" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T17:09:39.637" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T17:09:39.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1114" CreationDate="2017-07-31T17:56:25.833" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The speaker can feel like the listener is not engaged when there is little interaction or feedback. It could be caused by subtle factors such as body language - i.e. lack of eye contact, body facing another direction, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I am the listener, I find it helpful to ask clarifying and related questions/statements to show my interest and eagerness to talk more about the topic at hand. E.g. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;What do you mean by...&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;That sounds familiar&quot; or even &quot;Wow, I've never heard of this before&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another tip is to have an intention that when they finish, you're going to explain an idea back to them or paraphrase the general gist of the talk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of non-verbal cues, take a look at &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/63/what-impact-does-mirroring-have-on-other-people/296#296&quot;&gt;mirroring&lt;/a&gt; which can be effective in engaging with the speaker - but don't over do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2181" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T17:56:25.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1099" CreationDate="2017-07-31T18:32:06.313" Score="72" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your concern is definitely something that is changing in society right now - this movement with regards to respecting non-binary members. It's certainly commendable for you to wish to address people respectfully using terms that don't gender them unnecessarily. While there definitely is a group of people recommending terms like Xe or Mx, they aren't particularly used and - with someone who isn't aware of them at all, you'd likely get a quizzical blank stare. At this point in time, until these terms enter mainstream usage, I think your best option is to avoid these gendered terms entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, rather than saying &quot;excuse me, ma'am&quot; you say, simply &quot;excuse me&quot;. If you are an employee talking to a customer and want to be formal, do so by adding more deferential wording to the statement that isn't gendered:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Pardon me, would you be so kind as to stow your bag so the aisle is clear?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person you're addressing feels slighted by not being addressed as &quot;sir&quot; or &quot;ma'am&quot;, they'll likely tell you all about it and then you'll know what to call them. You can then apologize, thank them for letting you know their preferred method of address and use it for them henceforth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Particularly in the US I argue that &quot;sir&quot; and &quot;ma'am&quot; are somewhat outdated and definitely unnecessary, even without the consideration of gender-agnostic terminology - particularly with people under 40. I &lt;em&gt;personally&lt;/em&gt; don't like being called &quot;ma'am&quot;... and I'm a binary female and I &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; don't like being called &quot;sir&quot;... which happens on Stack Exchange all the time. So, the simple solution is to just &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; use the terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to be interacting with someone in a more-than-passing manner, you should definitely inquire of them their preferred pronouns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T18:32:06.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1114" CreationDate="2017-07-31T18:37:41.683" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of little cues that people give, consciously or unconsciously, when talking one on one. Without knowing you personally, it's hard to guess what you might be doing &quot;wrong.&quot; But I can give some general suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maintain eye contact. Don't look at your phone, keep focused on them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask questions, react, and comment when you can. But don't overdo this because it may seem that you're interrupting them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to smile, or frown, or raise your eyebrows as is fitting with the story being told. Nodding your head also shows you're paying attention. But again, if you overdo these things, it might come across a little fake. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're fidgeting a lot or tapping your foot, it might look like you're impatient. If you look like you're trying to walk away or get back to a different task, people notice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be tough to have the self awareness to know how you're being perceived. Most of the cues we give are unconscious, and of course, we can't see the expression on our own face. It might be more helpful for you to talk about this with someone you know in real life. &lt;strong&gt;Talk to a trusted friend or relative&lt;/strong&gt; and ask if it ever seems like you're bored when speaking to them. Maybe they'll be able to articulate what you are or are not doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1893" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T18:37:41.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1114" CreationDate="2017-07-31T18:50:14.873" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is usually related to one of two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Eye contact.   Eye contact is essential.  It is the way to signal to another that your interest is in him and what he is saying.    That said, don't overdo it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Response.   Not infrequently, socially insecure people will often spend mental effort during a conversation thinking about what &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; want to say next.  As a result, their attention is split between what the talker is saying, and their own internal dialog.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are other ways that people can enhance the sense of engagement they project, like subtly nodding agreement, orienting their body towards the speaker, etc., but they are secondary supporting cues, and can seem quite creepy if done mechanically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to control outward behaviors is always a dicey proposition, because social interaction and body language is so natural, so intuitive, and so controlled by the subconscious that trying to consciously take the reins on them can result in leaving even &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; awkward and unnatural-seeming impressions.   Almost always, the better strategy is to think about the &lt;em&gt;attitudes&lt;/em&gt; we have towards others--correcting the underlying attitudes will almost invariably fix the outward signs that we project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me recommend a book that I've found enormously useful:  &lt;a href=&quot;http://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/B005CWSC0Q&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Lost Art of Listening&lt;/a&gt;.  It's written by a humanist psychologist, and is a really well-written and thoughtful guide to learning to engage more fully in conversation.  And it barely touches on physical &quot;body language.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T18:50:14.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-07-31T18:53:00.803" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;All great suggestions above.  I am 53, a geek, and I still am challenged by presentations.  Here are a few more ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell yourself you are not nervous, you are excited to present your material. Physically, being nervous and being excited are very similar.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take the time to pause a second or three between sections or after making a point. It seems like an eternity, but it is not.  You will be more relaxed and trust me, your audience will be also grateful to have a moment to absorb the material.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find things to love about your presentation.  It might be helping your audience, exciting things about the material, or the way you are teaching some of your points.  If you are feeing enthusiasm, it is hard to feel fear.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember, nearly always, the audience is on your side and wants you to succeed. It is rare to have an adversarial audience.  Often you are presenting to coworkers or classmates, and while you might have tough questions, you are really on the same team.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;That is a great question. I don't know offhand, but I will get back to you with an answer.&quot; is your friend. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2205" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T18:53:00.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1123" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1126" CreationDate="2017-07-31T20:17:33.890" Score="6" ViewCount="1345" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I have been having a lot of troubles with my friends, when they ask me to do something and I say no, because I don't like it or I don't want to do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: Wanna dance with me?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: No, thanks&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: Oh c'mon!, dance with me!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: No...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend 2: Man, don't be rude, dance with her&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: But I don't want to :/&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend 2: You are being an a**hole&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: :/&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe I should be less rude, or I don't know maybe people expect to get an excuse when I say no, but everybody now thinks I'm a rude person just for saying no... So are there are better ways to say no?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think people should force you to do whatever they want. If you want to then it is okay, but if you don't want to, people don't have to criticize you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2210" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T12:57:21.270" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T21:11:30.907" Title="How to say no without sounding rude?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1114" CreationDate="2017-07-31T20:40:33.420" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, apart from the obvious, don't look at phones, tap your foot, maintain eye contact and so on, there is one very concrete and direct way of ensuring that you look engaged in a conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found that people generally will participate in active conversation when you reciprocate in some way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally asking questions directly related to the subject matter they are discussing and commenting in ways that are more than &quot;yeah&quot;, &quot;I agree&quot;, &quot;Wow, thats cool&quot;. Inject parallels to your own life, give examples from what you've seen or read. These things will generally make you seem engaged even if there may be a lack of eye contact, or if you are looking at your phone. In a conversation don't be afraid to interrupt to ask a question, even if someone is telling a story. Oftentimes, it will not seem rude and in fact may indicate that you attribute importance to certain things someone says, which will definitely boost how engaged you seem.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, it seems that the best way to seem interested is to actually be interested in what others have to say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2213" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-07-31T21:02:26.717" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T21:02:26.717" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1123" CreationDate="2017-07-31T20:46:59.827" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you go by the definition of &quot;rude&quot; your friend seems to have, there's no saying &quot;no&quot; &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; being rude because they seem to think it's the saying no that's rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think people should not force you to whatever they want, if you want to then it is okay, but if you don't want to, people don't have to criticize you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I would agree with you (especially if this is about physical contact like dancing) - but it seems your friends will not. (Maybe it's time to make some new friends and see if they are more reasonable.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What sometimes helps me in situations like that is giving a reason for your denial - even a really superficial one. See  &lt;a href=&quot;http://danariely.com/2015/02/28/ask-ariely-on-reasonable-requests-trash-talk-and-paper-piles/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://danariely.com/2015/02/28/ask-ariely-on-reasonable-requests-trash-talk-and-paper-piles/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Many years ago, Harvard psychology professor Ellen Langer carried out one of my all-time favorite studies. She asked her research assistants to look for lines for photocopiers, approach someone waiting to make copies and say, “Excuse me, can I get in line in front of you?” Unsurprisingly, this request was usually refused. Prof. Langer then had her research assistants change their phrasing and instead ask, “Excuse me, can I get in line in front of you—I need to make a photocopy” With this new version, they were frequently allowed to cut in. Obviously, the second phrase held no new information—why would anyone join this line if not to make a photocopy? But the longer phrasing had the structure of a reason-based-request: Excuse me, may I do X, I need Y. Prof. Langer showed that because people often don’t pay attention to what we say, it is sometimes enough to say something that sounds reasonable—and people will often agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It usually goes down better if your reason is short and &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; about the other person, e.g. &quot;Sorry, I'm really exhausted right now&quot; and not &quot;Sorry, I don't feel like dancing with &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, convince yourself that it's perfectly normal for yourself to decline the request and avoid sounding like you're asking for permission to say no. Just state the &quot;no&quot; as a fact that's not open for discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T20:46:59.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1126" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1123" CreationDate="2017-07-31T20:52:39.007" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;At first, you do not have to do anything you don't want to: you call the shots on it, after all. On the other hand, there are those that will try to pressure you into doing what they want. Looking it this way makes them stupid, not you. But this is not what you asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting from your example, you could simply say that &quot;you're not in the mood for dancing&quot;. That way you actually transfer the responsibility to the one that made the invitation. Are they &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; going to pressure you into doing something you're not in the mood to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist (and they probably will), you can go this way: &quot;it's not that I don't want to dance with you, I just don't wanna dance at all, sorry&quot;. That way you show that you actually could spend some time with that person (even if you wouldn't, it might be polite to say that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But they're probably going to insist again. You can make clear that you're uncomfortable when they insist: &quot;you're making me &lt;em&gt;uncomfortable&lt;/em&gt;, guys, please, stop&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stating that you're uncomfortable might change their mind, but if they're insisting so much, at that point there might not be another option than &lt;em&gt;to play the asshole role&lt;/em&gt;. &quot;I've already said it, guys, c'mon, &lt;strong&gt;I don't want to do it&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, you shouldn't do whatever other people want you to do unless you actually want (or need) to do it. If they think it is okay to pressure you into doing things they want even when you don't, they can and will abuse it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2215" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-25T13:31:46.913" LastActivityDate="2017-11-25T13:31:46.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1127" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-31T22:14:42.827" Score="10" ViewCount="1174" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have social anxiety in very particular situations, usually things like approaching people to ask for help or similar, things where there is a significant chance of failure. This applies to the usual stuff like asking people on dates and extends as far as trying to use a coupon or asking questions about certain offers/services of cashiers, or even suggesting a place to eat when out with friends (I can manage that, but I have to frame it as a joke). It does not however apply to things that happen &lt;em&gt;to&lt;/em&gt; me like if somebody dropped a bucket of paint on me or I slipped and fell over. It also does not apply to things where I feel I'm in a defensive position, like if somebody punched me and ran off I'd have no problem shouting them down in the middle of a busy street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a bit weird I think, but still fairly usual social anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that the typically suggested remedy for this is more exposure. Force yourself to be in social situations that put you outside of your comfort zone and you'll eventually adapt to it. This makes sense to me (and it works with other things I'm afraid of) but it does not work with this. For me, a successful social interaction has very little or no effect. I feel no more able to do it the next time and there does not appear to be any improvement in my confidence. There could be a slight improvement but it doesn't seem to have done much over 10+ years I've been aware of this problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bad social interaction however, has a &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; strong effect. I am constantly assaulted by unwanted memories of past social failures/embarrassments that never fade even when relaxing away from other people. They still feel extremely unpleasant and embarrassing, even going as far back as ten years ago. At the time of occurrence, they're even worse. A typical example was when I walked into a restaurant before its opening hours and tried to ask the staff for a table at the same time as they were trying to tell me to get out. I had been to this restaurant many times before and all of my experiences had been positive. Despite that, afterwards I spent an hour or more wandering the streets aimlessly, completely drained of all energy and will to do anything, experiencing a pain so strong it bordered on being actually physical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So while positive experiences &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be slowly pushing me forward, negative ones are &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; sending me back and I fear that increased exposure will actually lessen my ability to function in every day life. What do I do about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2219" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T19:03:53.470" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T19:03:53.470" Title="How to deal with social anxiety that gets worse with practice?" Tags="&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-02-22T19:03:29.913" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1127" CreationDate="2017-07-31T22:46:30.853" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you should aim to internalize the idea that nobody cares very much about you. Okay, that sounds kind of harsh, but its a true idea. Your failures on a daily basis, even in social contexts are pretty short lived, nobody remembers what someone said a few days ago and nobody forms their perception of someone from a few of their blunders. People make big mistakes all the time and its totally normal to do so. Mistake was the only tool evolution had to get where it is today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I acknowledge that this is a psychological issue and is more difficult to overcome than through a few sentences, but in terms of ways to address it, I would suggest the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Put yourself in social situations&lt;/strong&gt; - but not necessarily stressful ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you trust your friends/family enough, make it clear to them that you are in a difficult position so that they do not prompt you to do something you really don't want to and so that they don't expect you to act in a certain way. If it is difficult to do so, try to tell one friend and ask him to pass the message along. I believe that if you are in a social environment where you are not being expected to do something, slowly you will find yourself getting comfortable, when you are in the knowledge that you will not be asked something. Then you can begin to participate at your own pace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Use close friends&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have friends who you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; trust and who know you well, try to be social with them first, because the degree of anxiety will inevitable be lower with people you are comfortable with. Baby steps are key, first become more and more active and social with friends that are close. Once you become comfortable suggesting places to go eat, for instance, you may move on to trying to tell stories and so on and so forth, until you are rather comfortable. Afterwards you may find it easier to move on to speaking to strangers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really wish you the best of luck as I understand how difficult it can be to be in fear of your own behavior. I hope you can find a way that is comfortable to you to overcome this difficulty and hope to encourage you to not give up and shut yourself away from others, because this will not make you any happier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2213" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T05:19:03.653" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1127" CreationDate="2017-07-31T23:13:19.843" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes simply changing the narrative that plays in your head about particular negative experiences can help. It sounds silly, but if you can shift how you talk to yourself about experiences, you may find them easier to manage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using your restaurant example, where you wandered around afterwards, I'm sure you replayed the incident in your head over and over again trying to figure out how it went so wrong. What I'm suggesting is that during that replay, try to change the words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than &quot;Oh my god, how could I have done that&quot; remind yourself that it's a very minor thing. &quot;Hmm, that was unfortunate, but it's not a big deal&quot; Or better yet, try to disregard it completely &quot;I guess I should look for something that's open&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it feels like a big deal in the moment, but forcing yourself to use softer language when you think about these things can help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another method that works for me is derailing the train of thought completely. I find jokes and music work well for me. Funny music is a personal favorite. It just gives my brain something else to chew on till the anxiety passes. Try Schaffer The Darklord, it really helps when I just need to think about something else for a moment or two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's different for everyone, but try to find something else for your brain to do till it passes and try to be nicer to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-07-31T23:13:19.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1131" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-07-31T23:20:41.663" Score="19" ViewCount="3675" Body="&lt;p&gt;Okay, this sounds really stupid, but let me explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There have been multiple times in class where I will be fidgeting in one way or another - clicking my pen, spinning the pencil on my desk, tapping my foot, etc - and I don't even notice. It really does help me focus to do something along these lines. However, there are two problems with this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It doesn't make the best impression on teachers. While I've never had a teacher say anything to me (I get good grades, so it's not quite as big a deal) I still know it doesn't look like I'm paying attention.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It occasionally bothers others, and when I don't notice that I'm even doing anything, let alone that others are bothered - well, I don't want to drive people nuts.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some polite ways to fidget - preferably something non-noisy, that should be one-handed so I could take notes, and is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a fidget spinner? (Those things drive me insane, and they're halfway to being banned everywhere anyway.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2128" LastEditorUserId="2128" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T23:23:26.757" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T07:53:17.050" Title="Fidgeting in a polite way" Tags="&lt;school&gt;&lt;active-listening&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1131" CreationDate="2017-08-01T00:57:08.267" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am also a lifelong fidgeter!  In my case, this comes from a need for a little extra stimulation.  I'm very familiar with the problem of bugging others. I have had pretty good luck with these techniques:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Gently lift one knee, leaving the ball of your foot on the ground.  You can now shake that knee up and down. This has over time become my favorite fidget, as it is entirely quiet, and people rarely even notice that I'm doing it.  When I'm really fidgety, it will start to go quite fast; sometimes I have to tamp it down a little bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; as sudowoodo pointed out in his comment, you do have to be careful with this one. Often, it's virtually unnoticeable, but if you do start to make noise with it or shake someone, they will certainly notice, and it becomes extremely annoying very quickly.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As a lifelong piano player, I can &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;play&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; simple one-handed patterns gently onto the table (or onto my leg, if that makes a tapping sound).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Very, very gently&lt;/em&gt; click your teeth or rub them together.  You can now hear a sound, but no one else can.  Good for rhythmic patterns.  (Caution with this approach, as any appreciable forcefulness here can damage your teeth.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Rub the ends of two fingernails together, or try to &amp;quot;roll&amp;quot; the edges along one another (though this takes two hands, so would not work for taking notes.  Good when listening, however.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One other strategy you might consider is to place attention on extraneous parts of note-taking.  Can you write your notes into a layout that would in some deep or poetic way be parallel to the topic at hand?  Can you predict where the lesson is going to go before the teacher gets there (and write it out in time)?  Can you design your notes in such a way that others could also use them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The focus task itself is less important here; the point is simply to have one.  Such focus tasks have the side-benefit of helping you to actually absorb the material itself faster, as you will be engaging with the material on a deeper level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T07:53:17.050" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1114" CreationDate="2017-08-01T01:36:14.317" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to some of the great other answers, sometimes people can say things like that because they &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;want reassurance&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. This can be because they lack confidence, feel they've gone off on a tangent or simply want you to know that they care about your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the shoe on the other foot - can you imagine why &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; might ask someone if/what they are interested in?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2226" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T01:36:14.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-08-01T01:59:42.993" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;At High School, I was totally unconfident at public speaking, getting &quot;F&quot;s (failing grades, not the other kind) in every speech I ever gave, relying on Cue-cards to get me through, and still stumbling, and being literally &quot;booed&quot; off as I'm giving my speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am now able to stand up in any situation, and deliver speeches that have people laughing, crying, and coming up to me afterward wanting to shake my hand, and occasionally asking when I'm going to form a new political party (I am an IT Engineer/Developer, not a politician).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How did I do this? By having a mind shift. I stopped using Cue-Cards. I started looking at the audience. I spoke to one person, then the next. I started speaking confidently, believing in myself, not others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have the benefit of having slides with pictures on them, this is all the Cues you will need. What you will need to do is prepare what you want to deliver, and have enough clues in each slide to trigger the points you want to get through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speak from the heart ... if you don't believe in what you are speaking, then don't bother ... your audience will pick up straight away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, the person above mentions getting a topic of &quot;Pencils&quot; ... you could deliver a speech on making pencils, or describe a pencil, but you will never have your heart in pencils, unless your surname is Staedtler. However, you could relate a rather humorous story, from the heart, of an experience you had with writing a love note to the girl in the desk behind you, using a pencil that kept snapping at the wrong moment, and how she rejected it ... something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just remember, everyone looking at you deliver your speech will be doing the same. They all feel nervous. AND they see you talking every day of the week. What you are doing on stage is EXACTLY what they see you doing every day of the week. The reason they are staring at you is they are listening. You have their attention. They are finally quiet. So DELIVER. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more you prepare, the easier it gets. Don't write your speech the day before. Do it the week before. Then practice it, reading it at first, then without looking at your notes. Don't worry about being word perfect. Just memorize the points and deliver from the heart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2229" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T01:59:42.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1114" CreationDate="2017-08-01T06:14:43.917" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that an effective way to make the speaker feel that you are interested in the conversation is to ask. Ask details about what he is explaining you, ask anything that is not 100%, etc. Then you have to listen. If you listen very carefully you will be able to ask in the future about what was told, so it will be clear that you listened to that conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2234" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T06:14:43.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1131" CreationDate="2017-08-01T06:59:35.960" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a teacher, the fact that a student fidgets is sometimes a matter of concern.  From an educator's perspective, it is an issue of &quot;are they getting this?&quot; That said, I have found that the bigger issue of the two you raise is if it interrupting someone else's learning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that proviso, keep to silent fidgets. I have as a student myself and as a teacher found that doodling is helpful and is fairly non-disruptive.  This is providing that it is not on desks or school/college materials.  I found as far a concentration goes that doodling &quot;on theme&quot; also helps.  This is when there are no particular &quot;useful&quot; notes to be taken, but still focusing on the topic.  Examples might be drawing pine cones in a botany lesson, or flag in a geography or history class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next to doodling, rolling a pen between your fingers, rather than across the desk top, can be a release.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T06:59:35.960" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1139" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1140" CreationDate="2017-08-01T08:29:11.537" Score="43" ViewCount="16457" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I'm not asking someone &lt;em&gt;to not&lt;/em&gt; use their phone &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt; in my presence. But, when I'm with someone and they're sat there scrolling through social media for a prolonged period of time and we've arranged to meet in a social capacity i.e. having a glass of wine at theirs/mine or going for a meal etc.,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely ask them to get off their phone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, with the friends, I have a good relationship with I say in a humorous tone &lt;em&gt;&quot;don't be so anti-social&quot;&lt;/em&gt; (in a kind of high pitched voice, to emphasise it's a joke) that works perfectly fine (because my friends know me and know it's not serious). But, I &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; there definitely is a politer way of saying it. Especially when soon I'll be moving to a new city will be making new friends who I won't have the same kind of playful banter with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; By the way, I'll only say &quot;don't be so anti-social&quot; to those who I know don't suffer from any form of social anxiety as it is. I know this can make some people overthink the social event that evening, and think they use their phone too much around people when it's just me that has a problem with it. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; So for a bit of context as to why it can be annoying, I'm an app developer so I don't appreciate phones out of work hours as much as others do. Don't get me wrong, I'm an avid user of social media and can understand why they would keep checking it all night, but to me, we've met up in said capacity to socialise with each other to get away from the daily grind of working. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: I'm natively from the UK and I'm a millennial (as are most of my friends). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;: To me this isn't a rude thing. it's really a normal thing for millennials to do, check their Instagram, Snapchat or whatever when they get a notification. It's just that &lt;em&gt;I'm&lt;/em&gt; not a big fan of using my phone out of work because they're boring to me, I use them all day. I just want a polite alternative to the current (if out of context) rude thing of what I say. Maybe even something funny. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it's really easy for someone to get distracted by technology, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I do it all the time&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Not because their company is boring. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:08:11.603" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T05:38:59.403" Title="How can I politely ask someone to get off their phone?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1139" CreationDate="2017-08-01T08:46:57.183" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of suggestions you can try. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can first start with more polite one. If this doesn't work, you can try a more direct approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you start having meal or conversation, switch off your phone (It's up to you whether you really turn off the phone or not). However, make sure that the other person must see you turning your phone off. You can say, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I am just switching off my phone, so no one can bother us. Let's start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing so will send that person a hint and might make them put their phone aside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you can do is to look at your watch or &lt;em&gt;sigh&lt;/em&gt; a bit. This will make them think that you're on tight schedule. Then possibly, they will turn off their phone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When they are finished talking or doing something on their phone, you can say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, if that thing is not important, can you please turn off your phone so we can continue uninterrupted?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, if that thing is not important, can we please turn off our phones so we can continue uninterrupted?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you can do to not let them use their phone is to keep them engaged in a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T13:09:34.877" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T13:09:34.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1139" CreationDate="2017-08-01T10:24:51.977" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are overthinking this. If they are on their phone for extended periods of time while in your company, they are the ones being rude to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why should you think of the most polite way to call them on it when they clearly don't waste their time thinking about how to be polite to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though I must admit, if they are really young, it is possible they don't realize how rude they are being. You are talking about having a job though, so that should not be the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(because my friends know me and know it's not serious)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Except it clearly is. You even wrote up a question about it here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it this way... if you were in someone else's company and you spent too much time on your phone and suddenly they'd say something like: &quot;Wow, am I really boring you that much?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you feel like they were being rude and you don't ever want to have anything to do with them anymore?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering you're already wondering how to 'politely' respond to someone being rude to you, I'd bet you would instead feel like you were being rude and maybe even apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So why are you now thinking about how to avoid being the one who's rightly a little bit angry about the other person being rude to him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2165" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T10:24:51.977" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1131" CreationDate="2017-08-01T10:40:06.513" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Take a coin or button between your index finger and thumb.  Then press the back of your middle finger against the coin, and remove your thumb (holding the coin between the index and middle fingers)&#xA;Next, press your thumb against the top of the coin and remove your index finger, and finally press your index finger against the coin while removing your middle finger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The coin has now been flipped over, and you can repeat the sequence, picking up speed.  Experiment with different size items to find one comfortable for you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unobtrusive, one handed, largely silent and does not require you to be able to see what you're doing so it can be kept out of sight&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2250" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T10:40:06.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1139" CreationDate="2017-08-01T10:46:01.963" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a three stage process:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Check your phone briefly, and then place it on the table, face down.  If you have a case, let it fall so that the action of you putting it away is very noticeable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Talk.  Talk about things that pull your friend away from looking at the screen so much - talk about other people in the room, the wine, the food - anything apart from the phone.  Eventually, you speaking should be distracting enough for your friend to quit looking at his/her phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Drink up and walk away.  If the phone is more important than you, then you've got something more important to do instead.  Sure, this is pretty passive-aggressive, but I don't like playing second-fiddle to someone else's phone either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also be a bit cheeky and start your conversation via messenger until he/she gets the hint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T10:54:36.743" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T10:54:36.743" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1131" CreationDate="2017-08-01T11:06:53.677" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider buying a stress ball.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are silent and somewhat more accepted in a work/school setting and are less distracting for other people in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A cheaper option along the same lines is simply a rubber band, I was fidgeting with one as I stumbled across this question which compelled me to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2253" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T11:06:53.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1127" CreationDate="2017-08-01T11:12:13.500" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm familiar with this feeling. Negative interactions are your fault, but positive interactions are because of something else (the other person has good people skills, you got lucky, etc). In your own mind the problem is clear: you have bad social skills and you are unable to interact properly with people, so you must force yourself to practice and become better. But the idea that you're a social inept is so deeply rooted that even the most simple interactions become awkward. Soon any social interaction becomes unbearable because all you get is negative feedback, but it is your own thinking habits which magnify the negative and minimize the positive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is problem is best addressed with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and mindfulness meditation. Having a constant meditation practice might be enough. In myself, I found that forcing myself into interactions that I don't want to have is like trying to recover from anorexia with food you dislike. It was only when I was relaxed and happy that I would approach anyone for small talk, then my interactions felt much more pleasant and natural.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding embarrassing memories that pop up time and time again, once you detach from the emotional baggage (through meditation) you notice these things are not relevant at all. You could go in the same restaurant and say &quot;hey remember the time I came here asking for a table and it hadn't opened yet? It was so embarrassing to me&quot;. They will either playfully laugh it off or not even remember. In either case it is good self-therapy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I used to be very close to your own issues, and through meditation and self-acceptance I've come to a much better place. Let me assure that your experience of social life can be much more pleasant by addressing the root problem (negative self-centered thinking) instead of the manifestation (awkward interactions). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1929" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T11:12:13.500" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1148" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-01T12:28:03.670" Score="59" ViewCount="26636" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes acquaintances or people that I would like to get to know better are setting up some sort of social gathering (bar, party, bowling, etc) and I am not explicitly invited. I know that if I mention it they will invite me, but I feel that mentioning that I would like to go with them is &quot;Inviting myself&quot; and not well received by everyone else involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way to indicate that I am interested in going to whatever social gathering is happening without pressuring people into inviting me if they do not want to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T18:40:46.303" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T20:00:19.707" Title="How do I indicate interest in going somewhere without inviting myself along?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1148" CreationDate="2017-08-01T12:31:07.697" Score="72" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simply put:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let me know how that goes - I've always wanted to do that/go there!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that you have an interest in the activity/venue without forcing people into explaining why you're not invited or asking them to invite you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Passively, you both know that you're asking for an invite, but it allows for both outcomes without embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T13:03:32.137" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T13:03:32.137" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1148" CreationDate="2017-08-01T12:50:19.967" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could indicate interest by inviting &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; out somewhere when you do something similar to their activities i.e. bowling/going to the pub, I would normally do it through the person I'm closest to in the group, who could then spread the message. It can work both ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when they do something again, they may remember the time they had with you and invite you out, that doesn't come across as you &quot;inviting yourself&quot; but giving them a reason to invite you next time as you have common interests and they now know you  better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T14:56:38.733" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T14:56:38.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1148" CreationDate="2017-08-01T12:50:59.337" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just mention your interest in the &quot;topic,&quot; that is, &quot;bar, party, bowling, etc.&quot; without mentioning the event. Do this a casual, almost &quot;throwaway&quot; fashion. &quot;you know, I love a good beer from time to time.&quot; Based on what you have said, they will take the hint and invite you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often, people will &quot;not invite&quot; others, because they don't realize that the others are interested, not because they want to exclude them. This appears to be one of those instances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T12:50:59.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1123" CreationDate="2017-08-01T12:56:44.983" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to be more explicit the first time. Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: You wanna dance with me?&#xA;A: No, thanks. I don't want to dance. &lt;strong&gt;I'm tired.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;I'm tired&quot; sets a clear boundary, and is an unmistakable sign of disinterest. If they cross it, &lt;strong&gt;they're&lt;/strong&gt; being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't want to dance&quot; makes it clear that you are rejecting the dancing, and not them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T12:56:44.983" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1148" CreationDate="2017-08-01T12:59:49.927" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are there when the plan starts to happen, it's fine to assume the plan is including you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's all go to X right now! (Or tomorrow, or when exams are over)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Great idea! (Ask more questions if necessary.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were not there when the plan was made, but two people discuss it in front of you, it's fine to assume they wouldn't mind if you come, but best not to assume you can invite yourself. Showing enthusiasm is the way to go here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sounds like a great time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they want to invite you, they can easily say &amp;quot;join us&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;it sure will be, are you coming?&amp;quot; or the like. If they don't, they can just say something noncommittal like &amp;quot;sure will be&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;yes.&amp;quot; You can respond as you would if someone was telling you their plans for their vacation - friendly interest and encouragement without assuming they will bring you along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you weren't there when the plan was made, and people who are going aren't discussing it in front of you, but you hear from another person &amp;quot;X and Y are going bowling tomorrow&amp;quot; then it's just slightly trickier, because you need to discuss it with X and Y, not the person who told you, but the subject hasn't naturally come up with X or Y yet. Nonetheless, you can take a similar approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hear you're [activity] [timeframe]. That sounds like a great time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again they can either agree that yes, it sure will be, or they might ask if you can come too. Even if they don't, they know now how you feel about that activity, so if they do it again, perhaps they'll remember that and invite you on the next one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course this works best when you're aware of the sorts of things to which invitations are quite exclusive: vacations, dates, weddings etc. That way someone doesn't end up saying something like &amp;quot;sorry, but it's really kind of a date thing - just the two of us - hope you don't mind&amp;quot; which would be super embarrassing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T13:36:30.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1148" CreationDate="2017-08-01T14:16:03.910" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest way by far, that works for me everytime, is to sound enthusiastic about the plan itself and specifically the food or the places - without assuming you are actually going. Pretend you are acting like someone helping to organise a tour, and then listen carefully to whether they start including you in the plan or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What about [place_name]? That is a really nice place to go! They have very nice bubble tea!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gauge reactions carefully to see if they are receptive to your ideas or not. If not, then be content in the knowledge that their plan may not involve you. Don't talk over them and remember to go quiet at some points to really see if you are intruding and they continue the conversation without you or not. That is a clue. If they carry on making plans and look you in the eye while doing so, it means they want to involve you. If they avoid eye contact while doing so it means, they do not have you in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are still not sure, then start explicitly using 'You' words to indicate to them you think you are not going:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know what else you guys might like is to go to [another place name].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point they will either thank you for your suggestion or start letting you know they actually want you to join them :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2265" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T14:16:03.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1139" CreationDate="2017-08-01T15:02:18.227" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give them a few minutes to use their phone. After a few minutes, try to restart the conversation, picking up where you left of. That will remind them of what they should be doing, which is talking to you. If they ignore repeated reminders, they're being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person in front of you, the one you can see, and who can see you, is the most important person for the moment. In the restaurant business, this is expressed as &quot;the customer you can see is more important than the customer you can't.&quot; People too often forget that when they use cell phones (or even land lines). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T15:02:18.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1156" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1159" CreationDate="2017-08-01T15:17:12.470" Score="72" ViewCount="24055" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a relatively open individual who is shy (for lack of a better word) around new people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my coworkers has a business and is asking for my help as a financial analyst outside of work, and while I'm more than happy to help my fear is that my coworker is thinking that I will do whatever they need for free. I don't however want to lead this person on thinking I am going to do them &quot;a solid&quot; or will hold some sort of position at their company; I am happy where I am and don't wish for a move to a new position at an unknown company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are willing to pay however, I am happy to help and would love to be able to add it to my resume. I also don't want to burn the bridge I have with this person, as they could be valuable for networking later in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a meeting with them soon to discuss the projects, and don't want to lead them on further. My goal is that anything less than 10-15 minutes I'd do for free, but anything longer I'd have to charge for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell them politely that I am willing to discuss some sort of cheap contract fee to help them rather than a free service?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T17:03:32.200" Title="How can I politely tell someone I won't do my job for free?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1139" CreationDate="2017-08-01T15:35:05.537" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you want that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offering to eat/drink their order might offer as a motivator to pay attention to the meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anything interesting on there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; interesting, it might serve as a conversation starter. Otherwise they might be too embarrassed to show you and put the phone away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="532" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T15:35:05.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1156" CreationDate="2017-08-01T15:36:13.543" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Remember, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; have services to offer and they've asked for them. It's as simple as that, they can't always expect you to do it for free. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;It's your time&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. I do freelance work on the side sometimes (as a developer, this can become time consuming). I would simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I would love to help you out, but I charge a small fee. I have other&#xA;  projects going on at the minute and I'll be putting them on hold to&#xA;  help you out&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; In this context the &quot;other projects&quot; could be anything from pass time, to hobbies to your other work. It's your time still.  &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should start off the negotiations with that and gage their reaction. That should simply be expected for them, the polite way of going about it is the approach in which you charge them, be fair in your negotiations based on their budgetary requirements, which should come up in the negotiations regardless, but from you asking this question, you seem genuinely concerned and would like a fair result. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they persist on trying to get it done for free&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry but I have to put things on hold to help you out, I'm more&#xA;  than happy to do 10-15 minutes of work for free&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This not only gets the point across that you're willing to help them, it also puts across the point that it's your time and your expertise being used to help them, as a business they should understand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T19:46:15.063" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T19:46:15.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1156" CreationDate="2017-08-01T15:39:30.567" Score="99" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to be a member of the Austin film community - rife with &quot;working for credit&quot;. Part of why I found a job that isn't like this is that I really, really didn't like being in exactly the position you're in. I completely agree that it can be really uncomfortable to ask this but it's important for you to value your own time - you only have so much of it, so I'm glad that you're trying to find a solution that will work for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found that one of the most effective ways to ask if they're paying is to say something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you have in your budget for this part of the project?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phrasing it this way is a bit more open than &quot;What can you pay me for this work?&quot; You aren't part of the equation here - it's them and their budget. You're asking about their business structure. If they're honestly trying to make a go of it, they'll have a budget and they'll be able to answer what they have budgeted for (if anything). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They probably won't answer the question directly... they'll likely say that they were hoping to find someone who could do it for free or, if they have money to offer, they'll turn the question around and ask how you'd like to be compensated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't have a budget at all or they're hoping that someone they've only known for a brief period of time will be willing to do the work for free, you might not want to be involved with them at all, particularly considering what you've said in the question. If you're at the point where you need to get out of it, thank them for telling you about their project and wish them well but let them know that you're committed elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's been nice to talk with you about this project and getting to know what you're working on but this sounds like it's more of an investment of time than I'm prepared to make. I'd be willing to help you out if you were able to budget me a small contract fee. Alternately, if you just need some advice that would only take fifteen minutes or so, I'm happy to help with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they respond that don't have a specific amount of money budgeted for it but do have some money they can offer, you can ask questions of them to get a better idea of what they're looking for from you and give them a number that you think is reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T15:47:51.530" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T15:47:51.530" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1160" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1131" CreationDate="2017-08-01T15:56:04.747" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've picked up a habit of counting in binary on my fingers... I doubt many other people do this, I've never ever seen it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using my thumb as the one's digit try counting to 31 on a single hand (Takes me like 5-7 seconds now).  Count to a number, add a second number and see if the result is what you'd expect--try adding up all the visible digits in the room (or all the digits your teacher says) by counting them on your fingers. Try counting by 3's, 5's or 7's, etc.  Recognize a few common numbers like 1010 (10) 10100 (20), 1111 (15), etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never mastered using both hands but sometimes it's interesting to see how high you can count, my left hand gets bored only getting to &quot;go&quot; once every 32 counts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that since I'm right-handed my &quot;Binary&quot; is always backwards.  If you were left handed it would be a lot more natural--maybe I'll practice that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2273" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T15:56:04.747" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1156" CreationDate="2017-08-01T16:02:34.920" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;In these situations I establish distance in the meeting as soon as I can. Something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for inviting me. I'm really interested to hear about the project, I might know some people who can help&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying 'thanks for inviting me' establishes them as 'host' immediately and sets up many cultural rules (at least in the UK) around how you should be treated. Then you establish is your intention to look over strategy and consult rather than get your hands dirty. It is far easier to move forward from that position into one in which you are doing the work and getting paid rather than start with their assumption that you will and move away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or at least it is more difficult to do it delicately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You then maintain that position throughout the meeting. It would be impolite of them to assume you to be more committed to the project then you yourself show. You can then ask strategic questions about the finances and budgets and know if they are able to pay for this work or not. This may lead to you warming to the project talking about specific bits you might be able to help with such as 10-15 minutes once per week going over 'X' for free or reading resumes of people who have applied for the position to help them find a candidate. Or consult on any work that they have done themselves. That kind of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But additionally if they have a budget you'd be willing to do these extra things - and let them know what you think you'd be able to do for their budget&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If asked directly if you'd consider working for free just say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I can't&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't really need to offer any further explanation and explanations give them something to negotiate against and play with. Just be polite and firm&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T16:02:34.920" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1148" CreationDate="2017-08-01T16:26:47.203" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;These answers are good if you're really firmly against the idea of not doing &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; to invite yourself, even in the most polite and understanding way possible. However, I think they all have the pitfall of not being up front enough to make your desire to go &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt; clear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're an introverted person, it's easy to make assumptions about imposing yourself on others, even when most people would expect that you would express your desire to go with them if you really wanted to go with them. Going off that assumption, &lt;strong&gt;I would recommend saying something like,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you guys mind if I tag along? If not, no worries! I'm not trying to crash any plans/I'm not trying to force myself into your plans since I realize I'm inviting myself!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was thinking about heading there myself tonight, do you mind if I tag along?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some points on the second option:    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have the right to go to this place without their approval--they don't own the place. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This shows that not only are you interested in going, but you were going to do this independent of their decision (whether or not you &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; would go without them is irrelevant--you can always say you &quot;decided not to go&quot; if they back out). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's straightforward, to the point, friendly, and you're still leaving the answer up to them. If they really didn't want you to go, they would give you a friendly excuse. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But overall: &lt;strong&gt;Don't overthink it! If your conscientious enough to consider it rude to invite yourself, you're probably a friendly person who they wouldn't mind hanging out with if you &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; invite yourself in a respectful manner.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2277" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T16:26:47.203" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1163" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1171" CreationDate="2017-08-01T16:37:51.317" Score="43" ViewCount="63766" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's my birthday*! It's a rather important birthday. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of people who might want to know such a thing, because of social customs or friendliness or something. One of those things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mostly, these people are coworkers. However, there are a few newer friends of mine whom I haven't yet told. I don't hold social gatherings for events like this - and to me, it's not even all that significant. But it's one of the Major Milestone Birthdays in US culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a little strange to just go up to people and tell them, &quot;hey, it's my birthday in a few days.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a social obligation for me to tell people? Is it going to be as awkward as it seems if I don't tell people? I have difficulty gauging the sorts of things people are likely to care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(*Not actually today.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2203" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T20:03:50.203" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T14:23:46.293" Title="It's my birthday! How do I tell people who don't know, who might want to know, without being awkward?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1163" CreationDate="2017-08-01T16:48:25.737" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I personally think there is no social obligation to tell people, I find that most people love the opportunity to celebrate something like a birthday if given a chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it were me I'd say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My 30th birthday is coming up next week and I was wondering if you all would like to go to lunch, or happy hour to celebrate with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is a straightforward way to tell someone it is your birthday without being awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2280" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:42:01.910" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:42:01.910" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1052" CreationDate="2017-08-01T17:08:49.123" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the person is needy for conversation and I have the time, I have tended to give them a lot of opportunity to talk! Condition: they ought not to touch upon sensitive topics nor preach at me. If they did so I have tended to endure it for the time being but will not encourage them next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I really need to go I will say so; as in&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;this is a fascinating conversation but I need to reach the post office before 8PM to send an urgent parcel&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;it's been so nice talking to you but I need to run now, because I can't drive home on the State Highway after dark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to be both sincere and convincing, and it helps to suggest&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;maybe we could continue this conversation some other time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T17:08:49.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-01T17:34:37.457" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would not give the person the information that I dislike their personality and feel uncomfortable in their presence. It is my right / your right to avoid anybody without explaining why, even to a direct question such as &quot;are you avoiding me&quot; -- body language and tone of voice will tell the full story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is admittedly more difficult if the person is in an authority position or has some actual or potential 'hold' over you, but in such cases, I have worked towards reducing my dependence on having to interact with such a person. To their question &quot;are you avoiding me&quot; I should reply &quot;not at all&quot; but my tone would convey otherwise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please understand that Indian society (where I come from) is somewhat oblique in such matters and what we don't say is just as loud as what we do. This might explain the answer of Sagar V and the comment of one other user [Arpit S]. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems the culture in Australia/ Europe/ UK/ USA could well be franker and much more straightforward in telling the person outright (but maybe politely) that their personality makes you uncomfortable, which is the reason for your avoidance. Here we tend to give an insincere reply that its own tone contradicts; give them the full freeze; keep right on avoiding them just as much as feasible; and let them work it out for themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:38:47.043" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:38:47.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1148" CreationDate="2017-08-01T17:45:42.123" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree that asking someone out to something is a great way to get future invites!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way to invite yourself along that isn't super pushy is to express interest without demanding an invite. (e.g. saying, &quot;Oh! That sounds really fun! I've been meaning to put together a group myself to go bowling one of these days!&quot;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It implies that you'd like an invite (and opens the door to an invitation if the person would like you to come along), while still letting the person who mentioned the invite have the easy out of saying, &quot;Yeah, definitely! Let me know when you plan something!&quot; rather than inviting you if you aren't wanted for whatever reason.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2288" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T17:45:42.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1069" CreationDate="2017-08-01T17:55:04.357" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My strategy for making friends in class without disrupting my education is to:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sit near the front. You are more likely (based on my experience) to encounter more serious students at the front of the lecture hall.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use a class-related icebreaker &lt;em&gt;before or after the class&lt;/em&gt; such as &quot;hey, do you know when X is due?&quot; or &quot;did you by any chance understand Y that the professor mentioned?&quot; In my opinion it's best to find a question that is quick so they can respond and you can thank them and introduce yourself before class starts or before you need to hurry off to your next class. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the person seems friendly, continue to sit near them and make light conversation before or after class.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If things go well and you like the person, invite them to study before an exam, or maybe grab lunch or coffee after class. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've personally started a few friendships this way, some of which last after the term ends and some that don't. Either way, none of the friends I've made in this way have been disruptive in class. For reference, I am an engineering student and so I prefer to stay focused while in class as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1826" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T06:06:47.543" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T06:06:47.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1148" CreationDate="2017-08-01T18:03:17.283" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't ask to be invited, but let them know you're available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always say, &quot;That sounds fun. Let me know if you're looking for more people.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it clear that you are interested, but doesn't put them on the spot or make the situation awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2289" LastEditorUserId="2289" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T18:16:44.627" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T18:16:44.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1163" CreationDate="2017-08-01T18:10:08.907" Score="63" Body="&lt;p&gt;For work, I bring in donuts for everyone and let them know I brought them in to celebrate my birthday.  This is a pretty common gesture at many workplaces in the Midwest US.  Alternatives are cupcakes, bagels, cake, a fruit or veggie tray, or any other snack type thing that can be shared.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastEditorUserId="56" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T14:35:09.927" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T14:35:09.927" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="577" CreationDate="2017-08-01T18:34:17.237" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to answer this from a female perspective as the other answers appear to be male.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First off, just because she wore it once does not mean she is &quot;aware&quot; it's see-through and just chooses to wear it anyway. More than likely, she really has no idea and will be embarrassed by it.&lt;/strong&gt; (fitting rooms do not offer realistic &quot;sunlight&quot; lighting)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the most ideal time to have said something was around when you first noticed. Depending on the closeness of the relationship and how you two interact, I'd try to word it as neutral as possible. Saying something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, sorry if this is awkward, but did you know your top is a bit transparent in the sun?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or I really like Joe S's wording as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does know and chose to still wear it, I'd expect her to be able to shrug off your comment without issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does not, I would expect her to be a bit embarrassed, turn to her friend and go, &quot;OMG is he right?!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you did not mention it the first time, I wouldn't mention it until you go swimming again and &quot;notice&quot; it again. If her boyfriend is there and you guys have a decent enough relationship, maybe make a comment to him in a &lt;em&gt;concerned&lt;/em&gt; tone,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey man, does Jess know her top is kinda transparent? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd make a comment at a time where it seems like you just happened to notice (not that you've been mulling over this for days). Maybe if you're grabbing her a drink or something, when you go to give it to her, mention it then. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some other things to keep in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to keep it as private as possible. Make a quiet comment to just her. I think if a close friend of hers or her bf are in within earshot or right there, you're fine bringing it up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to down play it to alleviate any embarrassment she may feel if she seems really taken aback by it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Location wasn't stated, this is a U.S. perspective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T18:34:17.237" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1174" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1156" CreationDate="2017-08-01T19:30:45.070" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;The responses offered have too much beating around the bush.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be polite of course, but be direct in both information collection and in setting expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Is this a one time need or do you expect it to be ongoing?&quot;&#xA;(If it's ongoing, immediately indicate you'd expect compensation e.g., &quot;How much are you expecting to pay for this?&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If one time, &quot;How much effort and time do you expect it to take?&quot;&#xA;If 15 minutes, offer to meet for the 15 minutes, help out, and watch for scope creep. If several hours, say your rate for this type of work $X per hour, first hour free. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they said one time and brief, and when you meet this is accurate, you may have found some honest folks and if you do a good job there may be more - compensated - work down the road.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the scope creeps be polite, finish the 15 minutes, note that if they ever decide to hire someone to do the work they could approach you again, and leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give the co-worker a big hello and thanks the next morning and, unless she's your boss and/or a nutcase, episode closed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2294" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T19:30:45.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1163" CreationDate="2017-08-01T19:31:12.213" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no social Obligation for you to tell others it is your birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally avoid telling people when it is my birthday as I don't like the extra attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always casually mention it that it is your birthday or that your birthday is coming up in conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work, you can have someone send an email around saying it's your birthday. (For example &quot;Happy Birthday X&quot;, sent to everyone in your team/department)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My previous place of work had a calendar of all birthdays for the current month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see you mentioned it's a Major Milestone Birthday. Telling people it is your birthday, in this case, is fine. Having someone do it for you is better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2293" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:35:56.553" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:35:56.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1163" CreationDate="2017-08-01T19:35:50.947" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are lots of ways to let people know that your birthday is coming up or is occurring. I'm a big fan of birthdays, regardless of their importance. My son's first birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm already telling people about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's upcoming, talk about your plans or what you're excited about/dreading. Everyone loves talking about milestone birthdays and celebrating new achievements or commiserating about growing old. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'm turning 16 on Friday - I can't wait to get my license.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Don't expect me at work on Friday. Thursday is my 21st birthday and I can't wait to go to this bar I've been hearing about for years.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Oh god, I'm turning 50 on Sunday. My kids are planning to send me to a farm upstate next year.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'm going to Disney World for my 30th birthday over the weekend. My parents are treating me!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternately, ask people when their birthday is... usually they'll ask you when yours is and you can tell them. If they don't really care, they likely won't ask... so you're not forcing the information on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's today, do things that encourage people to &lt;em&gt;ask&lt;/em&gt; why you're doing something different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Dress up. &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wear a party hat or tiara or a birthday button. Have fun with it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wear nicer clothing than you usually do. Often people will ask &quot;why are you so dressy today?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Spread the cheer.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Decorate your space. Nothing says &quot;Birthday&quot; like balloons and streamers... or tombstones.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bring treats and use &quot;Happy Birthday&quot; plates.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bring extra hats/tiaras for everyone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Send yourself birthday flowers (or see if a loved one will send you some at work).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to share the information with other people, there are a myriad of ways. Heck, I bet even asking this question made some people wonder when your birthday is... So, I'm going to go out on a limb and say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Happy Birthday, Emrakul... whenever it is. I hope you have an amazing day!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:35:32.860" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:35:32.860" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1177" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-01T20:07:37.187" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T20:07:37.187" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T20:07:37.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1178" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-01T20:07:37.187" Score="0" Body="Questions about awkward moments, etiquettes, etc. related to birthdays." OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T23:11:58.760" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T23:11:58.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1139" CreationDate="2017-08-01T21:29:31.227" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stop talking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously. If they pick up their phone, just stop talking. It's that simple. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;So I was at your mother's house last week when...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;What, oh, sorry got a text.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Like I was saying, I was ....&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry funny cat picture.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Anyway, so I was saying, I ...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;So sorry, my mom just messaged me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Back to what I...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Text message, go ahead I'm listening.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will either get it or they won't. Eventually you may have to have a more serious conversation depending on we are talking about. With My wife I just told her. &quot;Look I am trying to have a conversation here, and I expect you to participate with all your attention. Not to be distracted by your phone. If its really  that important then handle it. I will wait.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a friend &quot;Ok, I know I can be boring, but really, were supposed to be talking now, not starring at our screens. We can stare at our screens at home.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a date (back when dating), &quot;Ok, I'm done. See ya later.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With strangers, &quot;Ok, I'm done.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is this. They are being rude. Let them know. If it's someone you care about tell them why and what you expect. I had to mention it to my wife one time. That was it. Let them know your expectations. Then follow through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T21:29:31.227" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1183" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1195" CreationDate="2017-08-01T21:39:40.913" Score="21" ViewCount="6326" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a good friend who is absolutely cross with me, because,  as he claims, I am all coding and no fun lately, as in 24/7.&#xA;I also have rules about not dating at the workplace for obvious reasons, and in the weekends we mostly do trekking and other outdoor activities with our group of old friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this friend is worried I am missing out by being single and last week he convinced me to go out with a guy he knows from his basketball team.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We went out for a first date, but despite the guy being nice and all, I don't think we click, and we don't have any common interests. He was also constantly bragging about his money and celebs he knows personally.&#xA;The guy is all for a second date and also wants to join me and my friends in our weekend activities. It's all very awkward,  because I am not interested at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell him (gently) without offending him that I am not interested? I am usually a very straightforward person, so if someone would help me with a polite version of : &quot;I am used to go out with nerds, so if someone doesn't know what cartesian dualism means and who was Tolkien, then at least he has to have some redeeming qualities like being really hilarious.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no problem with him thinking I am a snob, but I don't want him to feel inferior. ..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1617" LastEditorUserId="16" LastEditDate="2017-08-01T23:12:50.683" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T07:37:56.577" Title="How to nicely tell someone I am not interested in a second date?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1183" CreationDate="2017-08-01T21:57:23.707" Score="15" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Go for the cliché&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't mind sounding snob, you should go with a variation of this: &quot;we had a good time, but you're not really my type, sorry&quot;. This way you at least show that you've enjoyed the last time you went out with him (even if you didn't, but since he doesn't sound like an a**hole there's no need to point that out). He'll ask why and etc, but all you have to say is basically what you already said: &quot;I don't think we click&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honest, simple and straightforward: a cliché is a cliché for a reason, they usually work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BUT&lt;/strong&gt;, opening some brackets now. You probably already know that and that actually goes a little away from what your question targets, but going out with someone that has interests different from yours might be interesting if you are actually interested in discovering something new, beyond the other person, about yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2215" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T21:57:23.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1183" CreationDate="2017-08-01T21:57:53.433" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that too a very long time for me to grasp is that when you tell someone you dated that you just want to be friends,  it is code for I do not want to date you but do not want to be mean.  To which the polite response is something along the lines of, &quot;OK great, Ill give you a call sometime&quot; but there is never any intent to call.  Its a &quot;Polite&quot; dance of little white lies nearly everyone understands.  Well except for those of us who are socially maladjusted and never got the book that had those rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only that but if you run into them on the street and they say something like, &quot;Hey you should give me a call sometime.&quot;  They do not really mean that either, its just a polite way to keep the situation from becoming awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However for me I dislike the dance and fibbing and not understanding what is being said.  So I like to be direct.  It is not impolite to tell someone thank you but you are not interested. Just do not stand around waiting for a response, just thank them for the pleasant date, and move on.  It only gets awkward if you let it get awkward.  Say your peace and do not leave room for further discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastActivityDate="2017-08-01T21:57:53.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1186" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1190" CreationDate="2017-08-01T23:41:25.933" Score="15" ViewCount="1381" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes references will come up in conversation to players in different sports, singers, or other popular culture references, and most of the time they come up, I have no idea what's being talked about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give an idea of how bad my knowledge of these things is, I was talking with my mom once and accidentally mixed up Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan. While I have not done &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; since, I've been known not to have any idea who Madonna was (some sort of singer?) and who the heck the &quot;Raiders&quot; or the &quot;49'ers&quot; (aside from the gold rush prospectors, which I have a feeling was not what was being talked about) were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I respond when these references come up? Do I just nod along, or do I ask who/what these things/people are? Up until now, I've just asked, and my friends are pretty cool with it and explain, but occasionally (when asking someone who isn't a close friend or something) I'll get a &quot;you're such a nerd&quot; smirk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2128" LastEditorUserId="2128" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T15:01:28.517" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T20:33:20.460" Title="Responding to unknown &quot;popular culture&quot; references?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1187" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1189" CreationDate="2017-08-02T00:08:50.270" Score="0" ViewCount="1337" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently went shopping with a girl who I met about two weeks ago.  I will call her my friend to communicate the issue easily. We were exploring one of the stores, and we came across what appeared to be a decorative water spout.  My friend asked the store employee what it was while simultaneously pushing the spout.  A lot of water came out creating a mess.  The employee was visibly upset. She had just said &quot;please don't do that&quot; while my friend was touching the spout. My friend apologized a few times and I did as well.  The employee was visibly upset and did not say anything in response.  My friend also seemed to annoy the employee by inquiring about the purpose of the spout again after the incident. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We left the store quickly after that.  Should we have offered to stay and clean?  The employee looked as though she would not have appreciated our continued presence.  Did I not apologize properly? I said &quot;I am so sorry&quot; twice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2317" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T00:57:33.353" Title="How to apologize for the transgression of an acquaintance?" Tags="&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1186" CreationDate="2017-08-02T00:12:21.577" Score="6" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Just ask!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're young - so you won't always know the historical references, such as &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Beatles&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;living in the yellow submarine&lt;/a&gt;. Maybe you're not a sports person, or not a big fan of pop music today, so you won't understand how big of a deal it is when the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thestar.com/sports/leafs/2017/04/17/your-guide-to-maple-leafs-capitals-in-game-3-of-playoffs.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Toronto Maple Leafs made it into their hockey playoffs&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a bit the same way - I often hear things about pop artists today, who I know absolutely nothing about. But I could tell you a lot about &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bollywood&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Bollywood movies&lt;/a&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have different experiences in life, so you're not going to know the same things as everyone else. There's nothing wrong with asking, or going home later and googling it yourself to understand what was going on. You might get a little smirk here and there, but it's nothing malicious - they are probably just making fun of you in a friendly way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T00:12:21.577" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1187" CreationDate="2017-08-02T00:44:17.193" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You did the right thing -- apologize several times and leave.  I hope you gave the impression that you were aghast and mortified.  Your friend seems clueless, asking again about the purpose of the spout -- I am sure the employee wanted you both out of there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it was not entirely your friend's fault.  The store should have known what would happen when the spout was pushed and should have known that someone, eventually, would push it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would only have been in the way if you tried to help clean up the mess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T00:44:17.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1186" CreationDate="2017-08-02T00:48:36.493" Score="19" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Laugh at yourself a bit, but know that nobody else has the right to laugh at you.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was exactly the same way back when I was your age (and still am, to some extent). My main issue was music; since my favorite genres were jazz and classic rock, I was fairly out of touch with the music of the time. I could tell you a lot about Dire Straits, for instance, but not much about Madonna (to use your example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It took me a while to get used to this. I was happy in my little bubble of older and non-mainstream music, books and culture. I came to one realization, though: The only way to avoid this problem completely would be to change. And that's something you should &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; feel pressured to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was around the time of this realization that I finally owned my lack of pop culture knowledge. If someone asked whether I had seen the latest Avengers movie, I'd shrug and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I'll be honest, modern superhero movies aren't my thing! How was it? I don't know much about the franchise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was close with the person, sometimes we'd laugh, and then they'd tell me about the movie, which always ended well. It seemed to work even better if the person was passionate about the movie/song/etc. There were several important things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I acknowledged that my expertise in the area was, to put it one way, lacking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I took it in good spirits.&lt;/strong&gt; Maybe others see this as embarrassing, but it's just a quirk of your life. It's humorous at times; laugh about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I showed that I cared. Obviously, you want to know about these popular culture references; demonstrate that my keeping the conversation going even when you choose to ask.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Dealing with mockery&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you have two questions, to be honest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How do I solve the problem of not knowing about the reference? (The practical problem)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How do I avoid being mocked for it? (The social problem)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I discussed the first one before; I'll talk about the second one now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that you've been in cases where you were mocked for being a &amp;quot;nerd&amp;quot;. I sort of reappropriated that pejorative term and took pride in it, but you might not want to do so. If that's the case, I'll give you the following bit of advice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Shrug it off.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said before that you shouldn't be pressured to change. If someone thinks you're a worse person for not liking the &amp;quot;cool&amp;quot; bands or the &amp;quot;popular&amp;quot; movies, then they can, quite frankly, go jump in a lake. Either they accept you for being you, or they don't, and you can't change their minds. You shouldn't change just to fit in better; your true friends will accept you for who you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this to try to give you confidence. I have never been a very confident person; in high school, that was a major weakness for me. But I owned the label of a &amp;quot;nerd&amp;quot;. I thought to myself, &amp;quot;The songs and movies and books I like are no less valid than the ones the next person likes.&amp;quot; Other people might laugh, but they have no reason to do so. Your choices, your likes, your passions are just as valid as theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The future&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me add one last note: Things are going to change over time. My music tastes - to continue my earlier example - have expanded a bit; as I became a fan of some modern alternative groups, I learned more about the modern music scene&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;. You're going to grow and change, and while you probably won't ever completely grow out of this issue, and shouldn't feel pressured to, it might get better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; This didn't stop me from also growing to like older music, like certain traditional genres.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T00:48:36.493" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1191" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1187" CreationDate="2017-08-02T00:57:33.353" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Apologies work, even if you were not the one who caused the issue.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what made the apologies in this case somewhat disingenuous is that the employee said &quot;Please don't do that&quot;, and then it was done (coupled with the insistence of being self centered even after the employee realized she had a significant clean up task ahead of her). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As stated already, the right thing at &lt;em&gt;this point&lt;/em&gt; is to be as apologetic as possible and quietly leave without further interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;But in a more general sense&lt;/em&gt;, from my experience, this gesture works. I was with a large group when someone ahead of me bumped into a Forrest Ranger. I did not see what happened but the exchange became quite heated. By the time I came up to them, the Ranger was yelling, and everyone else was quiet. After a few seconds of listening to this, I simply said &quot;One behalf of the group, I apologize for one of us bumping into you&quot;. He immediately changed his tone; he said something like &quot;Alright then!&quot;. And it all blew over apparently just as fast as it had escalated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Sometimes just saying sorry is enough.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T00:57:33.353" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="166" CreationDate="2017-08-02T01:09:03.110" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One phrase I've found useful in similar situations was talking about &quot;health concerns&quot; - as opposed to &quot;personal matters&quot;, which your friends were clearly taking badly as an explanation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you mention your reduced activity was due to health concerns, this should frame your choices in a way that lets them know you were &lt;em&gt;unable&lt;/em&gt; to fulfill their expectations, that is, interact with them more during that time, even if you would have liked to.  Health concerns can also be rather private, and something even friends and family are really less able to help with than specialists (doctors, etc), so it may emphasize that not telling them, and not interacting with them for a while, wasn't about excluding them from your life or not trusting them with personal information (even if it was, just a little bit).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone presses for further details of these health concerns, you can give whatever specific symptoms you had and feel comfortable talking about (low energy, fatigue and lethargy, stiff or achy, difficulty concentrating, difficulty sleeping, headaches, etc), or talk about the things that have helped (getting more sunlight, balanced meals, meditation, exercise, whatever did help you), or even something about any doctor's suggestions or search for a specialist (if you have something safe to share) - you don't have to give the diagnosis of &quot;depression&quot; as the underlying cause until or unless you trust them with that.  Being able to talk about those things means that you can shy away from other topics, like diagnosis or what your doctor said about it, without making the topic stand out as &lt;em&gt;that thing you don't talk about&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on your relationship with the person and the conversation, you could even toss in snippets like technical biochemical symptoms (&quot;low seratonin&quot;, &quot;catecholamine systems, norepinephrine and dopamine, for reward processing and attention&quot; &quot;glutemate sensitization&quot;) to further explain while emphasizing medical symptoms rather than psychological ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the cultural belief that depression equals crazy, that can kinda work with you if you're going this route... you &lt;em&gt;aren't&lt;/em&gt; crazy, so it will be easier for them to swallow &quot;biochemical imbalance&quot; or other medical symptoms without jumping to the term depression (and its cultural baggage), because you don't fit that stereotype.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2236" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T01:09:03.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1193" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1196" CreationDate="2017-08-02T02:02:15.273" Score="8" ViewCount="2869" Body="&lt;p&gt;A while back ago, my friend married. I was sent an invitation when no one was at home, so it got recalled and sent back to the sender (my friend, at a nearby town).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little background on this friend: we are classmates back in junior high school, in a small 20 person class (other class got 40s), so all of us are pretty close.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was unable to contact her regarding the invitation, but at least &lt;strong&gt;I know definitely I was invited,&lt;/strong&gt; although I never got the written invitation. The problem is, in most wedding in Java, we are required to show an invitation, or write on the guest book - which I don't which method she will be using. If it was the latter, I can walk through without problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided not to attend, and congratulated her the day after, which she confirmed everyone was there and asked why I didn't come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my question is &lt;strong&gt;what one should do in a situation like this?&lt;/strong&gt; The answer does not necessarily specific to the Indonesian culture, but should consider these:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was definitely invited, but didn't get the written invitation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To attend the wedding, one should bring the invitation. However, there is a 50-50 chance it won't be needed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Related, but not duplicate: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/538/how-can-i-politely-ask-if-my-invitation-to-an-event-was-simply-forgotten/541#541&quot;&gt;How can I politely ask if my invitation to an event was simply forgotten?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="6097" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T09:38:12.560" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T09:38:12.560" Title="Invited to a wedding, but didn't get an invitation, what should I do?" Tags="&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-04-11T07:22:40.307" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1195" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1183" CreationDate="2017-08-02T03:04:37.797" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make it clear at the end of the first date&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first and last impressions of any encounter are much more memorable than a lot of the time in-between, so if you're not feeling it, it's important to signal that to him at the end of the date. If he goes home thinking you weren't too excited at the end of the date, he's not going to have his hopes up as much as if you gave him a full-on hug and said &quot;that was so great! We need to do something like this again soon!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big strength of signalling how you feel at the end of the first date is so that you can leverage the full range of in-person body language to make it clear that you're politely declining his advance. Generally, just being polite and neutral is the way to go. Don't go for any hugs, maybe even keep things at a handshake. Brief and polite smiles, the usual farewells like &quot;it was good to hang out.&quot; or &quot;i'll text you&quot;, and refusing to make further concrete plans are all good. Ending with something short and neutral like &quot;have a good day&quot; instead of &quot;talk to you soon!&quot; makes it clearer that you're not interested in being any closer than acquaintances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may not work. Some guys may optimistically try to ignore those signals, - but that's their cross to bear, not yours. If you've done your best to set expectations early, it makes the actual turn-down a lot easier for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After the first date&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're past the first date and need to turn him down more succinctly, the most important thing is to keep it short. Don't get into any long conversations, or beat around the bush - once he brings up a second date, just be clear and say something like &quot;you seem nice, but I don't think we quite fit.&quot; or &quot;maybe we'd work better as friends&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this date was set up through a mutual friend, you can tell that person why you were not interested. This isn't a substitute for turning the guy down politely, but it will allow you to give your unfiltered feedback (about how he wasn't funny, or nerdy enough, or whatever turned you off) &lt;em&gt;to the mutual friend&lt;/em&gt;, who will then relay it to the guy in a friendly way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ghosting&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While your post didn't mention it, I still think it's important to emphasize that turning him down explicitly &lt;em&gt;is the way to go&lt;/em&gt;. It can be tempting for some people to simply avoid the matter entirely, and just not talk to the other person again. Usually this is done out of fear of hurting their feelings, or decision paralysis, or procrastination - but this is the absolute worst thing you can do. Rejection is never pleasant, but if he gets no reply whatsoever it will feel like he must have done something &lt;em&gt;terribly wrong&lt;/em&gt; to merit being alienated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what medium you turn him down in, the most important thing is to keep it short, but polite. You don't need to tell him &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you're not interested, because that will very likely sound too much like personal criticism. If he &lt;em&gt;asks&lt;/em&gt; for feedback, you can give it. But generally you don't need to give reasons why you don't want to date someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2321" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T03:04:37.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1193" CreationDate="2017-08-02T03:16:01.853" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not familiar with Indonesian weddings, but since you're asking in general, I'm giving you my Indian perspective, which is sort of relevant to Indonesian as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's unfortunate that you missed the invitation letter. It's more unfortunate that you decided to not show up just by that reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were some things you could have tried instead:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could've asked someone that you know would attend the same event, about the entry requirements.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could've attended the wedding anyway, and then clarified the matter at the entry.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the friend was reachable, then asking them directly would be fine as well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now when your friend asks you why you didn't attend, you have two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell the truth that it's because of not having the letter. But that would not be a satisfying reason for your friend. They would probably get upset.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lie about it and say that you were caught up in something and were unable to attend even though you really wanted to. This would also upset your friend if it doesn't convince them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choice is yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most weddings in my place in India, wedding cards are just a formality, a modern thing. Most invitations are just made in person, or by phone, and any cards or emails are just sent as a formality to let the visitors have a reminder of date, time and location. It wasn't a common thing to have invitation letters until recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The guests would simply show up at the wedding event, and would be greeted and welcomed by either the would-be couple personally, or by friends and relatives who volunteer to act as hosts while the would-be couple are busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing is, in Indian weddings we expect a certain percentage of people showing up from those that are invited, and a certain percentage is considered will attend even though not directly invited. We prepare food in a way that there's always room for more. And I have a fairly good assumption that this would be the case in Indonesia as well, because these are Asian traditions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T05:13:41.420" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T05:13:41.420" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1139" CreationDate="2017-08-02T04:08:45.017" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You hit a nerve with me.  I see this all the time at work: Bob comes over to my desk, asks a question, I start to answer, Bob picks up the phone... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know about polite, that is a subjective term.  I don't even think it works.  You are the the victim of rudeness, you owe no one politeness.  You are well within your rights to be polite, but that will not prevent the problem.  In fact, you enable their behavior when you are being polite and indirect about what your feelings are.  Just tell them their behavior is insulting.  Which is better, the words in the message, or the message itself?  The message itself is a learning opportunity for them.  Telling them their behavior is rude and insulting is educating them.  How can that be impolite?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, you may be overlooking a hint that you are, in fact, boring to them.  You are offending THEM.  In this case, rid them of your boring self, and simply walk away.  That's polite, isn't it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When there are consistent offenders, I tell them &quot;Let voice mail take over - that's why you HAVE voice mail&quot;, or &quot;Don't waste my time, text back in 5 minutes&quot;.  For the few who keep doing it, and there are two in my office, I tell them I'm too busy to help, they'll need to wait until later or find someone else to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you are looking for repartee, you are just enabling behavior.  You are saying in effect, &quot;I don't like your behavior, but that's okay because we're friends and you can do that to me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2325" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T04:08:45.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1139" CreationDate="2017-08-02T05:01:11.147" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My read on somebody using a personal device for any length of time in a social setting is that they're not interested or engaged in that particular social setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If both of you are part of a larger social group, it might be an indication that they're indifferent to the current topic of conversation, or that they're awkward within that social group, and rather than asking them not to do it, you could look for the reason why they're opting to exclude themselves and find ways to include them, if they're willing. Maybe change the topic to something they're more passionate about, or ask them direct questions that involve them. If they're stubbornly reluctant to engage, you could try talking to them outside of that social setting (or text them ;) ) and see if there's something bothering them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's just the two of you, it's a pretty clear sign that they're indifferent toward &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, or at the very least, more interested in whatever else they're interacting with. We may disagree on this - but I find that pretty damn rude, millennial or otherwise. You may not find their company boring, but they're giving every impression that &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; find &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; company boring. Checking your phone is one thing, because that's reactive - but if they're scrolling through their social media feed, then they are opting out of socialising with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this person is not a good friend (since you've said you're comfortable jokingly calling out people who know you well), I'd question whether it's worth spending your time with someone who is willing to spend prolonged periods disengaging themselves from you socially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's someone you're &quot;stuck with&quot; for one reason or another (housemate, family, you're-super-attracted-to-them-and-can't-let-go, etc) then there's lots of good answers here, but ultimately you're likely to end up with a social dynamic that requires constant effort on your part, and it's up to you how much effort you're willing to put toward them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2326" LastEditorUserId="2326" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T05:07:47.553" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T05:07:47.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1199" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1203" CreationDate="2017-08-02T05:57:58.437" Score="13" ViewCount="4286" Body="&lt;p&gt;A quick cultural and personal background: this refers to Germany, and I am terrible at handling ANY kind of even mild conflict with people, especially people I don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When in queue in a supermarket, how do I tell someone that I feel crowded by them? I am fine with a CART right behind me, but people without a cart standing so close that I can't event take half a step backwards make me almost want to run. How can I tell them without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2330" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T08:59:42.843" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T08:59:42.843" Title="When in queue at the supermarket, how do I get my personal space?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;supermarket&gt;&lt;queueing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1199" CreationDate="2017-08-02T06:46:50.070" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I have a cart with me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I keep it in a way that the person behind me will come after my cart. So I have control over how close they can come towards me. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I stay a bit behind the person currently paying at the counter. So that's probably a good way to have space without having to even speak a word to any of them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if there's no cart, I usually do leave some space before the current person at the counter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On occasions that I felt really uncomfortable with the person behind me, I would say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Pardon me, please, but would you mind taking a step back? I think it's getting a bit crowded here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happens rarely, like really rare. And the usual response is &quot;Sure :)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is in Dubai, by the way. I suppose supermarkets are similar in Germany.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T06:53:28.097" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T06:53:28.097" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1163" CreationDate="2017-08-02T07:25:24.717" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mostly, these people are coworkers. However, there are a few newer&#xA;  friends of mine whom I haven't yet told&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't you have these people on a social network like Facebook or Google+? The default privacy setting is spam all of your contacts when it's your birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you don't have them on social networks and for notifying to the coworkers. There is an informal group chat for coworkers? If a friend wishes you a happy birthday in that group, everybody will do the same only for being polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, the easiest way is bringing a lot of food (unless you do it regularly, in that case, you should bring something special).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2336" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:39:07.350" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:39:07.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1199" CreationDate="2017-08-02T07:49:40.523" Score="10" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Step 1&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a trolley, @Witan-ap-Danu advice (in comments) is the best so far : &lt;em&gt;you could &quot;pull&quot; your cart rather than push it. Now the cart is behind you and gives an automatic buffer zone.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you have only a couple of items, grab a smaller trolley (the one you can either carry or roll, with expandable handle) when you get into the supermarket, and use it the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Step 2 (untold / body language)&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, waiting inline, you can use the &quot;&lt;strong&gt;next customer bar&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; and put it far behind your goods (like 1 meter, so it becomes obvious for most people). This way, the next customer has to step back to put her/his items on the automated conveyor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOTE: Don't turn your back if not needed. FACE the person while putting the items on the conveyor, as people are more willing to step back when in front of someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Step 3 (untold / told / polite)&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go back to the small shelf in front on the line, usually the one that split lanes between cashier, and get an unexpensive small stuff, like some chewing-gum or a magazine. &lt;em&gt;Excuse me, I forgot this…&lt;/em&gt;. Then, this rude one with proxemics problems will have to step back. Because, &lt;strong&gt;YES&lt;/strong&gt;, they're being rude!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If needed, put it back on the shelf, so she/he has to move back again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, words… &lt;strong&gt;Would you please step back a little, and allow me more room?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Step 4&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, it's time to be &lt;strong&gt;not that polite&lt;/strong&gt; if you feel like it's needed…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, people need to be told how rude they are, and &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; draw the line…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T11:51:34.223" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T11:51:34.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1082" CreationDate="2017-08-02T08:27:03.530" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can do is give them proof that they are wrong in that subject. If you insists it is perceived like you are only being polite or just want to cheer him up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have any kind of self-confidence and really very poor self-valuation, it causes that when someone compliments me I don't belive them, it is not humble brag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to tell them why they are good looking or good at something, giving them some evidence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using your examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example 1:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: Nuuuu I look ugly&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: No you don't what do you mean you look amazing!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: No I don't&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Yes you do!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Don't you remember that cute man/woman who was smiling you at the bar the other day or that classmate that was hitting on you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example 2:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: I'm actually pretty weak, useless like I am at most things&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: No you're not, you're great!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: No I'm not (&lt;em&gt;inserts generic excuse about how they have a negative impact on those around them&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Hey, you are very good at math, your grades are pretty awesome and you helped me with my study.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: You are brilliant telling us jokes, you alway make us laught.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously it only works if you give them real evidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2336" LastEditorUserId="2336" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T06:51:19.860" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T06:51:19.860" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1139" CreationDate="2017-08-02T08:42:13.300" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;in this situation I like to introduce a game to my opposite:&#xA;Lets put our mobiles in the center of the table - the first that makes a sound pays the bill. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the game your opposite has something to win - so its attractive to participate. For you its exactly what you wanted. The cellphone rests on the table. You have time to talk now. &#xA;An other benefit is that you don't have to address the problem itself so he or she is not offended by any means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We started to do this at business meals. Lots of coworkers liked it and introduced the game in other situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my personal feeling I'm sure this will help your situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2344" LastEditorUserId="2344" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T11:35:30.430" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T11:35:30.430" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1207" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1208" CreationDate="2017-08-02T09:08:32.190" Score="13" ViewCount="7375" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it good to use abbreviations in professional communication?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally uses Mail or Skype to communicate with others. In that case, many times I used words such as ASAP, CTN, FYI etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when should I use these words and when should I not use them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2247" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:03:31.357" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:03:31.357" Title="Can we use abbreviations in professional communication?" Tags="&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;instant-messaging&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1207" CreationDate="2017-08-02T09:13:24.947" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it good to use the abbreviation words in my professional&#xA;  communication?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;It's not, unless you're using it multiple times.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When writing professional documents, you should always remain that way. Professional. &lt;em&gt;even if it's informal or you're friends with them&lt;/em&gt;. You need to remain professional (you're representing the company you work for, not yourself). Remember, not everyone may know the abbreviations even if they are obvious in your knowledge base. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you're using it several times, write it in a way you'd write a report such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example for something technical would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You've encountered a blue screen of death (BSOD) ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then further in the conversation just do the abbreviation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To solve your problem with the BSOD ..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But for terms such as ASAP, FYI etc.. Just say &quot;as soon as possible&quot; and &quot;for your information&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because now, not only do they know what it means, they can always understand what the point is you're getting across. No-one should have to google anything to understand what you're saying, especially in a professional setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T11:25:25.567" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T11:25:25.567" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1207" CreationDate="2017-08-02T09:20:22.397" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it good to use the abbreviation words in my professional communication?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;With peer, unformal communication, it's, most of the time, fine, so : YES / PROBABLY (*)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;With peer, for the record, better keep it formal and professional, so : NO&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;With anyone (within your company) of higher rank (senior, management, HR) : NO&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;With anyone (outside your company) for business matter : NO&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And not everyone knows what it means sometimes :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep written communication formal and professionnal at all times.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(*) unless you know for sure the one you're talking to doesn't like/understand it, then: NO&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thoughtco.com/professional-communication-1691542&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Writing Well for the Technical Professions&lt;/a&gt; : &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;What is good professional communication? It is writing or speaking that is accurate, complete, and understandable to its audience; that tells the truth about the data directly and clearly.&lt;/em&gt; (But applies to all fields/business ... IMHO ^^)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T10:19:00.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1210" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-02T09:30:47.507" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Knowing how to interact with people professionally is an important skill. Use this tag for questions about professional behavior or situations in which maintaining professionalism is important. When asking a question, make sure to indicate your background, as these customs can vary significantly between cultures and even industry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also note that &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com&quot;&gt;The Workplace&lt;/a&gt; is another Stack Exchange site focused solely on navigating the workplace. If your question about professionalism is off-topic for Interpersonal Skills, you may wish to check if it is on topic there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T17:23:18.793" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T17:23:18.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1211" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-02T09:30:47.507" Score="0" Body="For questions regarding work-appropriate behavior and etiquette." OwnerUserId="2247" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T17:23:18.793" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T17:23:18.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1207" CreationDate="2017-08-02T09:36:18.777" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The simple answer is, that it varies. Here's what I'd consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The communication medium&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're using Skype (assuming the instant message component, rather than video chat) there's less expectation to be formal. What you type in an instant messaging app should be conversational, and because you're communicating in real time, it's acceptable to abbreviate for the sake of brevity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're using email, expectations may differ, so read the other considerations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're writing an actual letter to be sent via physical mail, it should be formal. Common abbreviations like ASAP should be avoided, although you can declare a cumbersome proper noun as an acronym and reuse it throughout. You can do this by writing out the name, followed by the acronym in parentheses - for example &quot;Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your audience&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also consider the ubiquity of your acronyms and abbreviations. ASAP and FYI are common, and you'd expect anyone to know them. Acronyms like SDLC or CMDB are common parlance in Information/Communications Technology, but would likely draw blank stares from anyone else. Younger people are more likely to use and recognise a broad range of communicative abbreviations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also tend toward formality based on the hierarchy in your organisation - I'd write formally to a CEO/CFO/CIO, or even my immediate supervisor, but be more casual with my peers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Familiarity&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How formal your communication should be also depend on how well you know the person you're communicating with. I'd try to be formal with anyone you're unfamiliar with, and adapt your style as you get to know them. If it's someone you've never communicated with in any way, your communication style is your first impression, and from my experience people are less likely to be offended by an overly formal approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time, you'll get a sense of what they're comfortable with and respond in kind, just like you would with verbal communications.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a caveat to this - you should consider more than just your immediate audience. For example, if you're in customer service and your chat log is auditable (as a measure of your own performance, or as part the record of service provided to the customer) then your audience could feasible be anyone, and you should avoid being overly familiar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2326" LastEditorUserId="2326" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T10:01:51.007" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T10:01:51.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1213" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1193" CreationDate="2017-08-02T10:17:18.723" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are quite sure that you are invited, you should show up and take your chances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, was 50-50 that you would only be required to sign a guest book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, you should have brought something to prove your &quot;bona fides&quot; to the gatekeepers, such as an old school (yearbook) picture of you and your friend together. Given this, they will either let you in or at least consult the bride.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A third possibility, mentioned by other posters, is to get there with another invitee, or arrive early, so that you will &quot;run into&quot; someone else from your class who could vouch for you. If there were a real question, the bride could be contacted at the wedding for guidance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that it's &quot;done,&quot; how should you handle it? You should tell the truth, that invitation was lost in the mail and you weren't sure what to do, and couldn't contact your classmate. That wouldn't go over too well, but still better than if you had intentionally &quot;boycotted&quot; the wedding. &quot;Damage control&quot; is the key here, as it was earlier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T10:50:21.260" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T10:50:21.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1214" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1186" CreationDate="2017-08-02T10:41:19.047" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In your shoes, I wouldn't sweat the music, because music trends come and go. Tomorrow, there will be a new star.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try to learn about sports teams because they are &quot;permanent.&quot; The Raiders and the 49ers have been around since I've been following sports, which is over 50 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are on the right track by associating them with California. Just &quot;close the loop&quot; by learning that they are (American) football teams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, even the best will get confused. Former Vice-President Joe Biden was in San Francisco one fall when he congratulated them on their Giants &quot;football&quot; team. That was their &lt;em&gt;baseball&lt;/em&gt; team. The Giants football team come from New York. (So did the baseball team, originally, but it moved to San Francisco in the 1950s).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was either 2014 or maybe 2012, so the (baseball) Giants had just won the World Series. (Do learn the difference between that and the Super Bowl.) Bonus points if you can remember that the Giants won the World Series in the &quot;even&quot; years 2010, 2012, and 2014 (but the pattern was broken when they did not win in 2016).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T10:41:19.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1215" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1199" CreationDate="2017-08-02T11:01:24.070" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a half step back and almost putting your heel on their toe would give you the ice breaker to turn and say &lt;code&gt;&quot;Oops, Sorry I didn't realize you were so close&quot;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally tend to shuffle about a little while i'm waiting in lines I keep ample space from the person in front of me however am regularly oblivious to the person behind me and on occaision have genuinely accidentally stood on somebody that decided to queue so closely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However when that has occured I turn make my apology with the statement that I didn't realise they were directly behind me. They say ok and seem to make a concious effort to stay a little further back. While I feel mildly embarrassed and make a concious effort to stay still for a change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see why intentionally emulating my idle behaviour would have any ill effect just look distracted people, may take offence if you look them in the eye then step on them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2354" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T11:01:24.070" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1216" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1691" CreationDate="2017-08-02T11:25:45.350" Score="18" ViewCount="4000" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work for a very small company that's been around a long time, we do a mix of processing customer products and consultancy work. We have a reasonable mix of customers, working for multiple departments of some of the larger ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a feast or famine industry and some of our customers need us purely because of their lack of organisation. This means that for some customers their capacity requirements vary weekly and unpredictably. Sometimes it's really quiet and we're having to search for work, sometimes we're super busy and we get a lot of projects come in at same time (usually around the time someone's on holiday!) and obviously some customers have to wait while we work on other customers projects/products.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;99% of the time we have a very quick turnaround time (1-2 days) though very occasionally it's more like 3-4 days. That's still normally quicker than the quote or purchase order states so it's not late, just not as quick as normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one likes to hear (and I don't like saying) they're not the number one priority. So what is a good way to tell a customer that we're working on another project and we'll work on theirs [insert time frame here]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm not asking about how to manage projects/resources, just how to explain to customers we are low on capacity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2356" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2019-02-20T11:06:44.100" LastActivityDate="2019-02-20T11:06:44.100" Title="How do I tell certain customers they're not my number one priority?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1216" CreationDate="2017-08-02T11:32:32.110" Score="11" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Say just that&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain the situation in one or two sentences, and most customers would be ok with waiting if you explain it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something similar to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very sorry but we don't have a very high capacity now, and are working on other projects at this time. We will get to working on your project in [said time frame here]. Thank you for your patience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This reply can change according to what suits you and the specific requirements of the customer, but make it clear that &lt;em&gt;You haven't forgotten them&lt;/em&gt;, and you're simply, as you said it, low on capacity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing to note is that they should be made to understand that, while they are supposed to be getting service from you, others also get service. It's important to make them understand that they &lt;strong&gt;will get what they should&lt;/strong&gt; (i.e. the service), &lt;strong&gt;but not at this very instant&lt;/strong&gt;, due to your company's capacity and abilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T20:31:46.607" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1219" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-02T12:29:19.263" Score="10" ViewCount="6925" Body="&lt;p&gt;After the summer holidays, I'll be a senior in high school. My year consists of about 100 people, and I approximate that I've never had a word with 30-50 of them. It's not that there were no occasions - while I generally don't share classes with these people, I have happened to sit next to them on the bus on a school trip or similar situations. It feels like a missed opportunity to meet someone new or make a new friend, but I just have no idea how to start a conversation - and how to keep it going once it started.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a few ideas, but I don't think they would work out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk about the holidays. This is only applicable shortly after holidays (and we don't usually have trips at those moments) but then again I don't think a 'stranger' would openly talk to me about how they spent their holidays. (I don't think &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would do this anyway.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Something school-related. But that's rather boring, right? Especially if we don't share classes, what could we say?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Interests. But I don't think I could hold a semi-long conversation with someone about my passion for computer programming if they don't do coding themselves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So does someone have suggestions for &quot;small talk&quot; to have a conversation with someone at school you've never talked to before?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2364" LastActivityDate="2020-11-10T19:00:10.570" Title="How to start a conversation with a 'stranger' from school?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1156" CreationDate="2017-08-02T12:58:55.570" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some excellent ideas here. One that works for me is telling them my hourly rate early in the discussion. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My hourly rate is ____. You said you need me to work __ hours a week, which comes to _____, weekly. If we can agree to that, I can start on ___.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It keeps me from devaluing my time and work because I fear insulting people by pricing myself too high, or appearing uppity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking for what my employer pays me, it becomes not a question of &quot;What am I worth?&quot; or &quot;How much is it fair to ask of &lt;em&gt;this person&lt;/em&gt;?&quot;, but just an extension of my work day. If they can't pay me that, it's easier to politely decline and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2370" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T17:01:28.160" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T17:01:28.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1163" CreationDate="2017-08-02T14:40:10.877" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often use complaints about my driver's license (USA) as an information conduit because it is so relatable. No one seems to care for any of the activities surrounding licensing or the card itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if I forgot someone's name/birthday, I find a way to insert the topic of photos into the conversation. Then, move onto my terrible driver's license photo, which I show, often to their &quot;it's great&quot; reply. This usually brings people to show me theirs, like a commiseration of sorts. I use the opportunity to remind myself of their name or birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your case, you could go the other direction and find a reason to show them yours. I might use a coworker lunch or something as a jumping point: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry guys, I can't go to lunch. I have to get a new driver's license since it expires soon; worst birthday present ever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:40:29.007" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:40:29.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1216" CreationDate="2017-08-02T14:54:54.110" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You never ever tell a customer that, unless you are wanting to lose them and their friends as your customers.  And if you think because they are an internal customer you can not lose them you are mistaken.  Internal customers can have friends in high places in the company.  You may find yourself working in the mail room, or finding out your position is being &quot;downsized&quot; so that they are no longer your customer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your response if they are on the schedule should be something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We are scheduled to begin work on your project on X date.  I am&#xA;  excited about getting to it so doing everything I can to get to it as&#xA;  quickly as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist on pushing the date up just put the decision off on your manager:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would love to be able to help you but my work is done at the&#xA;  direction of my manager/team lead.  It is possible they can push the&#xA;  schedule up but it may mean that I wouldn't get to take part in the&#xA;  project.  But like I said I am pushing hard to get my current project &#xA;  to a point where I can move on to yours.  I will let you know when I &#xA;  get the OK to start on yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T14:54:54.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1216" CreationDate="2017-08-02T15:19:21.390" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; : You don't tell them, you can't tell them, you need to carefully work around...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever someone is coming to office / calling / e-mailing, (especially if arguing), &lt;em&gt;I keep myself calm, stop talking and I start a very active listening&lt;/em&gt;. When the flow stops (and it will, at some point...), I use my self-called 'DIWA-RESC' method. Let's assume this is a call from a customer, asking why you took that much time to do the job, or why it's not done yet... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, carefully listening to what she/he says, you need to determine if the person is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;D&lt;/strong&gt;isappointed / &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt;nterrogative / &lt;strong&gt;W&lt;/strong&gt;orried / &lt;strong&gt;A&lt;/strong&gt;ngry&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, we you know what your contradictor bears in her/his mind and what bothers her/him :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;R&lt;/strong&gt;e-phrase / &lt;strong&gt;E&lt;/strong&gt;xplain / &lt;strong&gt;S&lt;/strong&gt;olution / &lt;strong&gt;C&lt;/strong&gt;onclusion&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Customer&lt;/strong&gt; : I don't know why it takes you that much time to have [ X ] done. We agreed on [ Y ], I should have gain [ whatever ] and now, I see that [ whatever ] ?! It's not fair, because [ whatever ].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that tone (and body language, if you face the customer) are very important tells, almost as much as words.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Now, you need to determine if she/he is more angry or disappointed or worried or interrogative&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use only &lt;strong&gt;one&lt;/strong&gt; feeling if you can.&#xA;The goal is: get a '&lt;strong&gt;YES&lt;/strong&gt;' after STEP #1. Not more, not less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1&lt;/strong&gt; - Re-phrase : If I properly understood, you are [ fill the blank with the emotion ] because we had to [ X ], and that meant [ this ] to you ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2&lt;/strong&gt; - Explain : (&lt;em&gt;at this point, use impersonal if negative, personal if positive&lt;/em&gt;) We needed to do [ ABC ] in order to be on time. Unfortunately, we had to do [ D ] instead of [ E ]. That's a matter of [ security / quality / whatever ] -&gt; Adapt to your needs / constraint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: &lt;strong&gt;Your customer must feel like he's the most important for your business anyway&lt;/strong&gt; AND &lt;strong&gt;Don't blame anyone either side&lt;/strong&gt; AND &lt;strong&gt;Don't tell them what they're not supposed to know.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3&lt;/strong&gt; - Solution : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Impersonal : according to [ law 123-1 / rule XYZ / policy A1B ], it is not possible to [ whatever ]. Therefore, it can only be [ whatever ]. That's why it had to be [ done that way / modified ]. I'm sure you understand there's no other way to do it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Personal : I can do [ whatever you best move / offer can be ] in order to [ whatever ]. Would it be OK with you ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3&lt;/strong&gt; - Conclusion : thank you for your patience and understanding. Do you have another question ? Is there anything else I can do for you ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important that your customer feels that you do your best, even if in your POV, he's not your #1 priority. It's a workaround, worth trying, and did great for me after practicing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's long, but I tried and keep it as small as possible, and hope I make myself clear here, if not, let me know leaving a comment, and I'll edit. ).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T07:56:16.457" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T07:56:16.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1227" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-02T16:28:04.497" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This tag can be used for the questions about interacting with people you're not familiar with. Such questions can also be tagged with location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; if they require answers specific to a region.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T09:47:52.520" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T09:47:52.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1228" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-02T16:28:04.497" Score="0" Body="Questions about interacting with people you are not familiar with." OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T17:23:09.430" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T17:23:09.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1229" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-02T16:29:46.827" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Students at school may have conflicts with teachers or other students because of a variety of issues, both social and academic. This tag should be used to identify questions about such conflicts, where it is relevant that the situations take place at a school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For questions about post-secondary education, use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/college&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;college&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;college&lt;/a&gt; tag instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T23:01:56.497" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T23:01:56.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1230" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-02T16:29:46.827" Score="0" Body="For questions involving interpersonal situations arising at, or because of, school and education." OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T23:01:56.497" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T23:01:56.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1231" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1163" CreationDate="2017-08-02T16:30:38.880" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Relate it to something else, and drop this in conversation. The weather is always a good option; for instance, if it is the day of your birthday and the weather is particularly nice, then when you meet your co-worker try to look cheerful and say in an off-hand manner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The weather is particularly nice today! A brilliant day to be turning 30!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;at which point you can expect a response along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's your birthday!? I had no idea! Happy birthday!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or else if the weather is particularly awful, you can say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ugh, the weather is horrible today. Great day to be turning 30... (inject some sarcasm into it!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if it is a few days before your birthday, you can still use the same trick. Just pick a particularly nice/horrible day and drop into the conversation &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The weather is so nice. Hope this keeps up till Thursday. Would be nice to turn 30 on a sunny day (or)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I hope the weather improves. Would be a rather depressing 30th if it continues like this on Thursday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... You get the idea!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2393" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:38:27.710" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:38:27.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1156" CreationDate="2017-08-02T16:56:03.460" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you meet with them to discuss the project, make sure you understand its scope, requirements, timeframe, and other aspects.  At that point you should know whether it fits your criteria for free:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My goal is that anything less than 10-15 minutes I'd do for free, but anything longer I'd have to charge for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it fits your criteria for free, let them know:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It looks like this project is a quick job, and I'm happy to do it for free.  If something changes and it requires more time we may have to sit down and discuss consulting fees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it doesn't fit your criteria, also let them know, but I'd suggest stepping away from the conversation and getting back to them at a later date.  It's not only hard to make estimates off the cuff, but clients tend to pick apart estimates and if you don't have a good foundation for the estimate it can be hard to defend, resulting in an underestimate which will make you both unhappy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is a great project, and I'm interested in doing it.  I'll create an estimate of how much time I'll be involved in it, and what I expect to accomplish during that time, as well as the cost for me to do the work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be upfront, but make sure you have time away from the client and meeting to actually create a reasonable estimate while still conveying that it's not going to be free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T16:56:03.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1233" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:06:30.610" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag, it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average German person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T09:42:02.783" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T09:42:02.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1234" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:06:30.610" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Germany or German culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:45:14.533" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:45:14.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1235" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:07:59.450" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Weddings are a form of &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt;, typically in a set location where 2 people are being married together. Questions with this tag involve situations which happen exclusively at weddings, and where the event being particularly a wedding is of importance to the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the questions is about a general social event, and the wedding itself has no relevance to the question, then this tag should not be used, instead use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T21:24:53.210" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T21:24:53.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1236" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:07:59.450" Score="0" Body="Questions for which the location is a wedding, or a wedding-based setting." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T18:40:49.767" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T18:40:49.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1237" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:09:07.160" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region or it's culture and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag, it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Indonesian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T09:43:25.610" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T09:43:25.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1238" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:09:07.160" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Indonesia or Indonesian culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:45:46.023" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:45:46.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1239" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:10:41.687" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Dutch person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:40:45.920" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:40:45.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1240" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:10:41.687" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in the Netherlands or Dutch culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:42:55.340" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:42:55.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1241" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:48:46.417" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For questions pertaining to situations arising due to post-secondary education. This may include, for instance, sixth form and further education in the United Kingdom, and colleges and universities in the USA. It may also include post-compulsory/post secondary study elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For questions involving pre-college education, use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/school&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;school&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;school&lt;/a&gt; tag instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:59:22.417" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:59:22.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1242" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:48:46.417" Score="0" Body="For questions pertaining to post-secondary education.  " OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T18:54:21.280" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T18:54:21.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1243" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1219" CreationDate="2017-08-02T17:59:52.877" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't mind being a little awkward, just be honest and say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I've seen you in ____ class and I'm trying to get to know my other classmates better. Hi, I'm _____ and I'm interested in/one of my hobbies is ____. How about you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will likely reply in kind unless they feel awkward or are in a hurry and maybe you guys can chat about hobbies/interests for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, I often will make small-talk with someone for a while such as: &quot;what did you think of ___ assignment/test.&quot;, &quot;Did you hear about __ announcement&quot;, etc. If that starts to die down, I often blurt out: &quot;what are you into?/What are your hobbies?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: ask what their hobbies are. That give you an easy topic of conversation. Maybe it is a mutual hobby and you guys can connect over it, maybe its not mutual. Regardless it will provide a handy topic of conversation, and you can follow up later: &quot;Hey did you end up going/doing __ last weekend? How'd it go?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T17:59:52.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1244" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1248" CreationDate="2017-08-02T18:08:17.870" Score="10" ViewCount="1001" Body="&lt;p&gt;How can someone let their neighbour know that the adjoining properties are not as &quot;soundproof&quot; as they might suppose? This in context is about terraced housing (UK usage) or row housing (US usage). The issue is of some delicacy as it can be assumed that sound carries in both directions through these properties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should it be made as a general statement in which the risk is that they may think you are being self-concerned (selfish of your peace) and are complaining about random noise, or rather do you tell them that you are concerned to save them possible embarrassment, as the issue is that their nocturnal activities and/or rows (arguments) are not as private as they might think? Or would raising this cause the embarrassment you might like to save them, as the concern is more for their privacy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-08-02T18:24:09.137" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T17:00:06.057" Title="How to sensitively let a neighbour know that they can be heard?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="130" CreationDate="2017-08-02T18:45:09.110" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If a stranger starts talking to me and they're being genuine but I'm not interested, I'll slip in something about &quot;oh yeah my boyfriend and I are going to dinner tonight&quot; or &quot;My boyfriend is interested in them too!&quot; Whether or not I have a boyfriend or not, that has always been my go to. That way the other person isn't left feeling with low self esteem since I never responded to their message/gave a fake number/or wouldn't give them my number. After interjecting that I have a boyfriend, if they continue and ask if they can have my number, I can feel more justified by declining them because I'm in a relationship and that I'd feel off giving my number to another man, no hard feelings though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2401" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T18:45:09.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1219" CreationDate="2017-08-02T19:20:58.697" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I usually do, instead of talk, is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;listen&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To trigger this even the briefest of questions should serve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Downside is that the conversation is really short if the other person doesn't jump into the conversation. But nothing is lost, yes? You opened the door, you cannot force a person to come through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Upside is that anyone eager to talk will carry the conversation effortlessly. The initial question can be something trite from the here and now. About the situation, the looks/wardrobe choices of the potential conversationalist, anything really. (Compliments are best, though.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;The real question is, do you want to talk?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any follow-up questions will present themselves from what is being said, continuing the flow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I started a friendship continuing to this day with this technique. We did one time arrange to go hiking - not a great success for me as I fell over my feet in the forest. But it gained me a great friend that was shy to start a conversation but as a human being had plenty to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T19:20:58.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1082" CreationDate="2017-08-02T20:45:59.940" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general following up a positive statement or compliment with a question about it helps the recipient accept it without deflecting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No you're not you're amazing! How long did it take you to learn X?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gives them a way of following up the compliment with an answer rather than a denial and in doing so having to accept the compliment as true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, tell them they are amazing/beautiful/intelligent. Give an example and then follow up with a question about that example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T20:45:59.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1244" CreationDate="2017-08-02T22:13:12.267" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have two primary options, I think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, consider doing nothing. I think that this would be my preferred solution. If you're concerned about embarrassing them and you aren't trying to get them to quiet down, knowing that they're being overheard may only serve to make them feel inhibited... assuming they don't find it a turn on. In some cases, ignorance truly is bliss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel you need to say something, there are a few ways to do it. If you know which apartment/house it is, write them a note and either post it or slip it into their mailbox or under the door. Part of the potential for embarrassment comes from an in-person chat about it. By doing it semi-anonymously you can save them from feeling like they need to apologize for their actions or explain. It also allows you to think ahead and write exactly what you want to say without worrying you're going to muck something up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phrase the note in a way that is merely a conveyance of information. You can always say you hear a TV rather than them, specifically. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi neighbor! I wanted to let you know that the walls in this building are pretty thin and we've been overhearing things in our place. It's not really bothering us/me but I thought you would like to know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you'd rather do it in person, you can always phrase it in a way that's inviting them to let you know if you're being too loud. Perhaps warning them about an upcoming party or construction work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think the walls here aren't properly insulated so please let me know if we're being too loud. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask you if you're hearing anything from their side you can just say something like &quot;Occasionally but it's nothing that is bothering me&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem here is that either they're turned on by or ambivalent to being overheard or they are going to be embarrassed... if you don't know them very well, it will be difficult to absolutely prevent embarrassment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T22:13:12.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="269" CreationDate="2017-08-02T23:02:09.230" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I ask for a website so I can read up on the details/options on the service/product/organization.  If they don't give me one, I let them know that I consider products/services/organizations when I can research them in detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I don't have the time to review the site right then and there, I'll thank them for their call and the website, and this will typically end the 'connected' nature of the call.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I choose to visit it right then and there (if I have the time), I provide feedback if I feel like it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The website:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is poorly designed, and reflects badly on the product being offered&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Doesn't have the information I'm looking for, and I don't like buying things that don't have a clear product description, support agreement, privacy policy, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Has a lot of info, I would have to read through it and look into this later&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Has the information I need, thanks&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Online reviews&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The product/service gets a lot of bad reviews online, which turns me off&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The organization doesn't provide transparency per Charity Navigator&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The product/service/organization gets good reviews online&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The product/service:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Meets my needs, but not at the price being offered&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Meets some of my needs, but I'm really looking for additional specific items&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Doesn't meet my needs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Meets my needs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll then ask them to convey the shortcomings back up to their supervisors, and let them know that they did a great job in calling and providing me information, but that the product/service/organization fell short for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all that, if it's not something you want, I guess you'll have to figure out another way to say that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2318" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T23:02:09.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1250" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1289" CreationDate="2017-08-02T23:16:27.640" Score="12" ViewCount="4920" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people can be a bit predictable and  longwinded and it's very easy to guess what they will say, it's like playing chess and guessing a few moves ahead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It happens often that a person only started to ask his question and I am already giving him an answer/solution interrupting him in the beginning.  I think I developed this um... style when I was working at an ISP techsupport as a student and we had to be as effective and quick as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it results in very funny conversations / discussions with friends and family - they got used to it and usually don't mind. It helps skipping the boring parts. At work,  it also helps getting rid of our most meddling and ineffective CEO boot-licking manager with his unprofessional questions. (He really hates it and leaves the scene real quick.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if we're speaking social conventions, how important is it to let a stranger finish his sentences? Would one be annoyed or glad he got an answer to his question quickly? Is it considered impolite? Are there any general (unspoken) rules about this kind of behaviour,  or is it tolerated for the sake of effectiveness in our western society? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1617" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:03:33.820" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:03:33.820" Title="Is it rude to answer someone's question before they finish the question?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-08-02T23:25:57.250" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sometimes the &quot;them&quot; in your question, but I do it for a reason other than arguing for the sake of arguing. If they're like me, this could probably work on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I hear a statement like the ones in the question, that seems a lot like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have read the headline of a news article and now wholeheartedly agree with it, without thinking it through or looking anything up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I confront this, to try to stop you from being misinformed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to deal with someone like this is to show that you've given it some thought and/or researched the subject when telling them about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2418" LastActivityDate="2017-08-02T23:25:57.250" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1219" CreationDate="2017-08-03T01:34:06.057" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to invite someone into a conversation is to identify the most obvious thing that you are both aware of, and comment on it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation you've both seen each other before but you don't know each other. Unless aliens are landing, that's &lt;em&gt;easily&lt;/em&gt; the most obvious thing, for both of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey I've seen you before, but I don't think we've met. My name is XXX. ( Extend your hand and smile warmly )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never avoid the &quot;elephant in the room.&quot;  It's usually the most meaningful topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tips...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to plan the conversation. It's impossible to predict what will happen, and it's unhelpful to limit your options on where the conversation will go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also puts you in a mental frame where you are trying to create a result, like get this girl's snapchat, or make friends with that guy.  You can't control that, so don't invest so much mental effort trying to plan the conversion. These things will happen naturally if the connection develops that way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's common to think that you need a &lt;em&gt;reason&lt;/em&gt; to say hello, and a list of topics prepared to feed the conversation. In practice, those things get in the way. Try saying hello without any plan, you'll be surprised how quickly the conversion takes a life of its own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I regularly do this on the bus, just for kicks. It's turned into friendships, dates, 4 hour chats over coffee. Even day trips on the ferry to tour my city. Adventure is good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2088" LastEditorUserId="2088" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T01:49:30.957" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T01:49:30.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1255" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1266" CreationDate="2017-08-03T02:38:46.580" Score="0" ViewCount="637" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a friend of mine. He has planned to move to the USA to study, which is going to take 5 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is doubtful about whether he is going to have a good life being far from family (it's not easy at all, somehow impossible, to go for a visit or come back for a visit, due to the visa issues) to aim his professional life, or vice versa, whether he is going to be satisfied if he stays closer to family but loses opportunities, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, as a so called best friend, have no experiences in this case, and am so ashamed about not being able to guide him and help him and seeing him so sad and under pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I help him as a friend? What sort of help might he need in this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1972" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditorDisplayName="user2191" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T18:50:56.357" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T18:50:56.357" Title="How to help a friend in doubt about staying with his family or moving to the USA and what type of life suits him the best?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;iran&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1257" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1259" CreationDate="2017-08-03T03:21:07.827" Score="4" ViewCount="1228" Body="&lt;p&gt;Without evading the question (e.g. by abruptly changing to another topic)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;or directly refusing (e.g. 'Sorry, but I don't wish to answer.' or 'This is a personal question.') that would seem strange because this question is common,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;how can I politely avoid answering questions on which university I attended?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One reason: I don't believe in judging people and their character by their alma mater. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question excludes contexts that necessitate knowledge of educational background, e.g. an application or interview for a job or education. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T04:27:18.730" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T04:27:18.730" Title="How can I politely avoid answering questions on which university I attended?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1259" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1257" CreationDate="2017-08-03T04:36:34.613" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally people ask either because they're using the information as a basis to judge you, like in a job interview, or they're just making general conversation, and looking for a way to get to know you better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case avoiding the question is problematic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a job interview it's downright foolish. Omitting this information or avoiding the question can only hurt your chances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In social situations, you have a little more wiggle room depending on how the question is phrased. For instance if they simply ask &lt;strong&gt;where&lt;/strong&gt; you went to school:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, I went to school in sunny Florida. Nice and warm down there, but the mosquitos will carry you away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't exactly an abrupt change in subject, but it accomplishes the same goal socially. Chances are they'll be thinking about Florida, the weather, or mosquitos now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More direct question wording will be more problematic. If they specifically ask &amp;quot;what school did you graduate from?&amp;quot; You may have fewer options for diversion. Here cheap jokes can offer some help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I graduated from the school of hard knocks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been kicked out of some of the finest institutions in the North East.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel your pain here. The list of highschools I attended is... well... a little problematic professionally and socially. One of them was so exclusive that you had to be personally recommended by a sitting judge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Warning and disclaimer...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sort of people who are going to judge you socially based on your alma mater are likely going to just find some other criteria to judge you on. Often any answer that isn't the school they went to personally, or a better school, will be a mark against you. Such people should generally be avoided, because they're generally awful and their cloud of smug threatens to consume us all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a better bunch of people to socialize with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T04:36:34.613" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1244" CreationDate="2017-08-03T06:14:24.187" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;One option is to knock on their door and ask them if you could do a 'sound check' for your stereo; you'd like to know how loud you can turn your stereo up for your favorite music before they a) hear it and b) it starts bothering them.  You could then run the sound check, thank them, and casually mention how loud it was relative to what you were expecting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would get them thinking about volume and sound transmission between the properties without bringing up their own sound generation as the topic of discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2318" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T06:14:24.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1261" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1264" CreationDate="2017-08-03T08:22:50.937" Score="14" ViewCount="13026" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I faced a problem, My colleague is high tempered and we were discussing something on some topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suddenly he started shouting after that I realize that whatever I was explaining, he is unable to understand.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I started to explain it again in different way with example. Still his behavior was the same. There were other guys also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone else understood what I explained.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to know how to deal with such guys?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to tell him politely to be calm when he is not listening to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2247" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T13:57:36.747" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T05:13:52.150" Title="How to deal with high tempered and angry people" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;discussions&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1262" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-03T08:25:01.250" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T08:25:01.250" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T08:25:01.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1263" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-03T08:25:01.250" Score="0" Body=" A person who is working with us in same organization. He might be in same department or other department." OwnerUserId="2247" LastEditorUserId="2247" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T09:09:57.263" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T09:09:57.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1264" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1261" CreationDate="2017-08-03T09:00:34.347" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;The short answer is, you shouldn't have to. In a professional setting, I wouldn't expect &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt; to be shouting, unless that's part of their job. That said, that's the situation you're in, so it doesn't warrant dismissal of your question - I'd just say that you're not under any obligation to manage his behaviour. If he is being unreasonable, that's on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's some pretty general advice that might help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listen to him. He might be going about it in an unprofessional way, but he might have also have a point. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make him feel acknowledged - just as important as listening is showing him that you're listening. Do your best to sympathise with his position.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to avoid telling him what to do. Telling an angry person to &quot;calm down&quot; can be further infuriating. Instead you're better off framing it around yourself. &quot;This discussion is getting a bit too heated for me.&quot; That puts the onus on him to calm down, without making a &quot;blaming&quot; statement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't take it personally. Emotionally charged conversation tends to leave behind the &quot;pleasantries&quot; of normal conversation. Even though he's projecting anger onto you, it's likely he's angry for other reasons. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it gets untenable, suggest a different way of non-verbal communication. Emails give you both time to think about what you're saying, and also time to process or reread previous conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2326" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T09:00:34.347" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1257" CreationDate="2017-08-03T09:10:42.000" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a social situation, I would answer the question &quot;indirectly.&quot; I might say, &quot;I have degree in engineering (or whatever your major is). Or. as another poster suggested, &quot;I went to school in (geographical location). That addresses the question without giving them the answer they want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a job interview, of course, you would answer the question. That is &quot;fair game&quot; for a job interview, but not for social situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T09:10:42.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1255" CreationDate="2017-08-03T09:14:19.037" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would advise this person to take it one year at a time. Some people will complete a five year program, others may drop out after one, two or three years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or this person may even alternate years; one year in America, one year at home. to take care of both university and family commitments over ten years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You never know until you try,&quot; but the flip side of that is &quot;don't be afraid to bail out if it isn't working out.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T09:14:19.037" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1261" CreationDate="2017-08-03T09:19:31.147" Score="9" Body="&lt;h3&gt;&amp;quot;Don't stand in the way of an angry bull&amp;quot;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's some advice I found useful and have &lt;em&gt;tried&lt;/em&gt; to follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a person is angry, there's not much you can do to reason with them. It's best to leave them alone, and come back some other time to somehow bring up your subject and discuss with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Listen more, speak less.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person feels comfortable explaining their side to you, they will find less reason to stay angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Sometimes it's just a bad time.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People often direct their anger and frustration towards unsuspecting targets. Maybe they're not really angry at you. So don't try to engage in a conversation when they're not in the mood. It will then make them actually angry at you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T09:25:08.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1216" CreationDate="2017-08-03T09:20:10.350" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't tell anyone this. Instead, use a technique called &quot;peak demand&quot; pricing to send the messages you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is something called peak demand. That is, e.g. electricity might be more expensive during peak daylight hours (when everyone wants it) than at night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your shoes, I would go with a pricing scheme around my work load. Price high on high demand days, and low, on low demand days. Of course, you honor your &lt;em&gt;prior&lt;/em&gt; commitments for &quot;today,&quot; based on what you negotiated previously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask why, explain to them: &quot;We are now doing work where other customers will pay us X per hour. That's more than the Y that we normally charge you. If you're willing to wait, we will charge you the lower Y, but if you need it now, you will have to pay X to meet the other buyer's price.&quot; (You can even set &quot;X&quot; a little above what the other buyer is paying.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That will incentivize people to work around your schedule, and give them the right signals about the opportunity cost to you. I get a discount from my tax accountant for filing after April 15.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned this from a copy store who charged one rate for &quot;next in line,&quot; and a much lower rate (about 40% off), for &quot;anytime within 24 hours.&quot; The 24 hour people knew that they might be pushed back, but also knew that the limit was 24 hours. And if the store could do their job at 2:00 a.m. (normally dead time), they would charge less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Above all, don't tell these people that they are not needed. You will &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; them on your low demand days (and even on your high demand days if they are willing to pay the higher rate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T21:12:15.060" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T21:12:15.060" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1269" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-03T09:39:56.547" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Any questions related to clothing sense and clothing for different different events where you have to use a specific kind of clothes.&#xA;The clothing is matter on the basis of occasion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag can be used with &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2247" LastEditorUserId="2247" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T10:34:36.953" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T10:34:36.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1270" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-03T09:39:56.547" Score="0" Body="Question related to clothing sense and clothing for different different events. " OwnerUserId="2247" LastEditorUserId="2247" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T10:34:45.087" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T10:34:45.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1163" CreationDate="2017-08-03T10:28:56.983" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can ask others to donate some old stuff like clothes or books and organise a charity on your birthday. People may ask why you are organising it and you can tell that you want to do some good on your birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you can tell about your birthday as well as do some charity and get blessings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BTW, it's not important to tell everyone about your birthday unless they are someone important and special, and you want them with you that day. In this case, you can say it without any special effects that it's your birthday on ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2447" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T10:28:56.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1272" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1273" CreationDate="2017-08-03T11:00:11.333" Score="44" ViewCount="22769" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure how to respond to questions where it is obvious that the asker knows the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when I'm the only one in the room waiting for a meeting to start, the project manager comes in and says &quot;You're the only one here?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think she means this literally, because she is very smart. I don't know how else to interpret the question though. What is the proper response to questions like this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="241" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T23:15:05.777" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T13:51:30.023" Title="How should one respond to trivial, obvious questions?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-02-19T12:49:15.457" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-03T11:08:21.960" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's mostly that the asker is just trying to make small talk and found nothing genius to ask. It's not making a good impression, but it's still a very normal question to ask and something that everyone does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making a small talk before an interview or something would be relaxing. So they are just trying to do that. But because of nervousness, fail to come up with any meaningful questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not get upset by such questions and do not respond with a bad tone or sarcasm either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, especially because it's your manager, just answer the question. Maybe they expected someone else also to be present and just wanted to make sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when I get a new haircut and when a friend sees me, he may simply ask, &quot;Hey, you had a haircut?&quot;. I just go with &quot;yeah&quot; ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and then move on to other topics if it's a good time for small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have experience with a particular little cousin of mine who keeps on asking the silliest obvious questions like &quot;are you watching TV?&quot; when it's obvious that I am. I do get annoyed when it continues for a while. At one point I start ignoring the questions. And the kid will go back to his things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="421" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T17:26:38.480" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T17:26:38.480" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-03T11:12:34.710" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being smart does not necessarily correlate to having good social skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are looking for a way to communicate because to ignore you would be rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often people will state an obvious question which will reflexively get a positive response. It's a low risk, low effort interaction which will not result in conflict but open the door to further communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response you could use the opportunity to say something positive about yourself and then ask how they are doing or if you can help in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, I have this thing about punctuality. If I'm not early for something I feel late. Do you need a hand setting anything up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T11:12:34.710" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1275" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-03T11:14:48.370" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would answer kindly as if the question would not be awkward or obvious. Like &lt;em&gt;&quot;Yes, it's just me&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also avoid sarcastic answers as &lt;em&gt;&quot;Yes, it's just me, as you can see, unless you've just became blind&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is because people sometimes makes such questions just to start a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And... if I may... it seems to me that you are a little bit too strict in interpreting someone else's question. Your manager asked you &lt;em&gt;&quot;You're the only one here?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. And I would guess, from your question, that perhaps you thought &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm obviously the only one here. You can see that. So why bother to ask?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But maybe some colleague of yours just left the room to answer an incoming call, maybe another one paid a quick visit to the toilet. How could she/he know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2449" LastEditorUserId="217" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T09:54:03.140" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T09:54:03.140" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1276" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-03T12:12:11.933" Score="65" Body="&lt;p&gt;The implied question here seems to be: &quot;&lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; are you the only one here&quot;; a possible reason why she does not ask this directly is to be less confrontational (after all you can't be held responsible for your colleagues' absence!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility is that she notices the fact that there is no one else in the room, wants some additional information about it, but is not sure what is the right question to ask. (Indeed some of the responses given as examples do nothing to answer the question &quot;why&quot;, but still provide relevant and useful information.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person asking probably expects some sort of response along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Actually Ms. Smith has already arrived before me, but she has gone to the bathroom.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I just had Mr. Brown on the phone, he's on the bus together with the rest of the team and the bus broke down.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;The others have asked me to tell you that the meeting has been re-located to the other meeting room.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Yes, let's wait for the others.&quot; or &quot;Yes, but I can already start briefing you on the project before the others arrive.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Yes, because I'm actually the only person working on the project that the meeting is about.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course the most likely situation is that you have no additional information to offer, in which case you can simply answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Yes, I have no idea where everyone else is.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2453" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T12:12:11.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-03T12:20:32.920" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes those kinds of questions aren't meant literally but do have a specific purpose other than small talk, I think that's an angle that is missing from the other answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;You're the only one here?&quot; probably means something like &quot;I'm surprised you are the only one here. Do you know where the others are? There is no chance they are waiting somewhere else, is there? Has anyone told you they couldn't come or they would be late or something?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;How are you?&quot; might be a meaningless phrase (where a honest answer is not necessarily welcome), or it might actually mean to show you that they care (while they already know/see that you are unwell) or of course it could have the literal sense...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Is this seat taken?&quot; is sometimes the question whether you would mind if that person sat there, sometimes the statement that they will now sit there because they see that it isn't taken and sometimes the literal sense...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can't think of more examples right now, but there are plenty and the expected response is different each time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="436" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T12:20:32.920" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-03T12:21:48.330" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this context I would interpret &quot;You're the only one here?&quot; not in the strict literal sense but in the sense of meeting participants. They can clearly see nobody else is in the room but it is possible that somebody turned up and seeing that you weren't quorate yet went to get a glass of water or use the bathroom or similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively you may be aware of why some others aren't there and can furnish the asker with this information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So depending on the exact situation I might answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;So far, yes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob was here but has just gone to get a glass of water&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Yes, Jim isn't going to be here due to an important client call.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2454" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T12:21:48.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1261" CreationDate="2017-08-03T12:38:20.320" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't have to put up with this at work. The guy is not going to stop shouting if you accept it and accommodate him. He will continue to shout at you and everyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leave the room. Go to your boss. Complain. It is your boss's job to deal with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just put up with it it will poison the atmosphere for you and everyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T12:38:20.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-03T12:38:39.270" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure any other answer has covered the biggest issue for me. &quot;Questions with answers you think are trivial&quot; is just a proper sub-set of &quot;Questions&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already know how to respond to a question. This case isn't a special case. You should respond to a question with the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give a worked example of the situation the OP described, I would expect that conversation to go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Boss:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;You're the only one here?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;OP:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;Yep, it's just me.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Boss:&lt;/strong&gt; Either &lt;em&gt;&quot;Oh, I see&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&quot;I was expecting X to be here, do you know why they aren't?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2458" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T12:38:39.270" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1257" CreationDate="2017-08-03T12:49:37.753" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I wish to evade this question too. The reason is a bit strange: as a kid I was quite a star at school and had the enormous privilege of attending one the most prestigious unis in the UK. Afterwards I returned to real life and continued.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people are impressed if they discover this. However, there are some grade A assholes in the world, and people who, on discovering that I have this rather impressive line in my CV, react very negatively indeed. I've had insults, bad names, slander, you name it. One drunken guy actually tried to beat me up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I have learnt to keep it hidden when meeting strangers. I say, &quot;oh, down south&quot;. Then I change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T12:49:37.753" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1250" CreationDate="2017-08-03T13:25:35.923" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking, it is rude to interrupt people while they are talking. It's as if you're not giving them a chance to say what they want to say, and that you think your response is more important than their thoughts. If I am trying to explain a situation or story to a friend and they were to cut in to talk about it before I'm finished, I would consider that rude, even with someone I knew well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also add that in specific situations like the ones you mentioned you can quite reasonably predict where a question is going, but I would say that in social conversations this is not the case. Sure, you might be able to some of the time, but generally speaking social conversations can go a lot of different ways. Imagine a situation where an friend or acquaintance is describing a situation, and you jump in to give your opinion on the matter, only to realise that they were working towards a completely different point. Not only does that take attention away from the point they are raising, it makes you seem arrogant and a bit silly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NB:&lt;/strong&gt; speaking as  someone from the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2457" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T13:25:35.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1156" CreationDate="2017-08-03T13:43:00.833" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not really about how, but I'd strongly recommend you bring it up as early as possible. Someone charging for their time is reasonable and should be expected. Finding out an acquaintance is charging for their time late in a project is fairly obnoxious for all involved. However you choose to bring it up, do so before you get into the details of what you'll be doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2465" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T13:43:00.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1257" CreationDate="2017-08-03T13:43:30.127" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a tricky one and depends very much on context. (in interview, or social chit chat)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing it politely can be relatively straight forward, just use polite phrasing to explain you do not want to answer that question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I don't want to answer that question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will most likely result further questioning in any situation, however is a direct answer to the question you posed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Politely avoiding the question elegantly, in a way that is not necessarily going to be noticed however is another matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Politicians try to do this kind of thing all the time and depending on context will use different techniques.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Refusing to answer is essentially the example I gave above. There are very few ways of doing this politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turning it around: being vague and then asking them the question and moving the topic on&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Where did you go to university?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Down south to study Bio Chem. How about you? what did you study?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Where did you go to university?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Harvard. Yourself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Transition the question, answer something similar:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Where did you go to university?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find it interesting that people tend to ask where we studied before what we studied? For what it's worth I studied Physics. Do you think that it's because they're more likely to have things to say about a location and culture rather than the topic of study?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These tend to feel clunky and a lot like a politician talking. That's because it is very difficult to elegantly not answer such a direct and normally innocuous question (and I am not a politician)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T13:43:30.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-03T14:12:15.123" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mom used to call the land line at home and ask me &quot;Are you home, son?&quot;, which I really found a dumb question to ask, but I later found out that what she really meant was &quot;Are you going to be home, if so, how long are you going to be home, do you have plans to go anywhere today?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People do that and even though I find it rather annoying to be asked those sorts of questions, I usually let people go with a shrug or explain to them, in detail, every aspect the question could have meant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, if it were me, I'd go onto explaining the situation. I'd tell the boss what I knew, if I knew anything, of where everyone was and why they weren't here instead and I'd go on to explain why I was here and not with them. This usually works to keep people from asking those types of questions to me, since I go on and on about every single detail. Do it once, and never need to do it again, and if they keep asking, just shrug and go with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2169" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T14:12:15.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-03T14:22:33.310" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Coming from the &quot;boss,&quot; that's a compliment and an opportunity. It means:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) You're the first one to show up, and &lt;br&gt;&#xA;2) Wow! You were even here before me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With her &quot;trivial&quot; question, the boss has given you what an editor would call a &quot;hook.&quot; I would &quot;jump&quot; on this with a response like, &quot;Yes. What can I do for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is an idea or a project you want to pitch, this is the best time. The boss has basically said that you are head and shoulders above the rest of the crowd (for the time being). And the implicit question (which my suggested remark addressed) is, &quot;What will you do for an encore?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many seemingly &quot;trivial&quot; questions are actually &quot;loaded&quot; (sometimes without people fully realizing it's the case). In this case, it may have been an implicit &quot;complaint.&quot; A good response gives you the chance to &quot;fire the gun.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if it came from the &quot;janitor,&quot; you will want to be courteous, but the stakes are higher when the question comes from the boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T17:12:17.910" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T17:12:17.910" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1250" CreationDate="2017-08-03T14:23:46.750" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The &quot;style&quot; of communication you describe is rude, condescending, and not listening to what other people say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Rude:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take a moment to google &quot;tech support customer review&quot; and read some of the reviews for big companies whose tech support agents communicate in the style you describe. Take note when customers say things like: &quot;Interrupted me constantly&quot; and &quot;did not listen to a word I said&quot; and look at the star rating next to it. That is the star rating that you are getting when having conversations with friends and family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Condescending:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;it's very easy to guess what they will say, it's like playing chess and guessing a few moves ahead.It happens often that a person only started to ask his question and I am already giving him an answer/solution interrupting him in the beginning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not know what people are trying to say, and now that you have interrupted them, you never will. If you consistently knew what people were trying to say you would not be having awkward conversations about it. The quote above gives off a &quot;I am smarter than everyone else&quot; vibe and is frustrating to deal with in a conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Not Listening:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention in your question that you do not even let people finish their sentences. If you had let people finish, then you would know how to phrase a response to their actual question, not the answer to the question you made up in your mind. By not listening, you are basically shutting the other person out of the conversation and conversing with yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question is not &quot;How do I fix my communication style&quot; (Which would be an excellent follow-up question) it is if it is considered impolite or rude. The answer is &lt;strong&gt;Absolutely.&lt;/strong&gt; You are sabotaging your relationships with friends, family, and strangers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T14:23:46.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1289" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1250" CreationDate="2017-08-03T14:42:44.673" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How important is it to let a stranger finish his sentences?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Professional environment: VERY important / mandatory&#xA;-&gt; you don't stop your boss/manager/co-worker/client from talking/explaining his point of view. Not doing so is not only &lt;strong&gt;totally unprofessional, it's also definitely rude&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Personal/friendly environment: VERY important for many Westerners -&gt; in western culture, it's much more than in other parts of the world, according to &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.nytimes.com/1992/04/05/magazine/on-language-me-don-t-finish-my-you-sentence.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Professor Tannen - Linguistics Department - Georgetown University&lt;/a&gt; in a 1992 New  York Times article: &#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;The two forms of completing another's sentence are interruption and overlap ,&quot; she explained. &quot;Either you may interrupt the other person, as in taking advantage of a pause, or you may chime in, in chorus with the other speaker.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Professor Tannen calls this type of conversation &quot;high-involvement style,&quot; which includes standing close, talking loudly and leaping from topic to topic. Cultures that feature this style include Eastern Europeans, Mediterraneans, Africans and Arabs; women, Professor Tannen reports, finish others' sentences more often than men do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Would one be annoyed or glad he got an answer to his question quickly?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Professional environment: if it happens on a regular basis, no matter if you actually answered his/her question, the person will see the naysayer as &lt;strong&gt;unprofessional and rude&lt;/strong&gt;. If it happens once in a while, you may just apologize: &quot;&lt;em&gt;I'm sorry for interrupting, please go ahead&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Personal/friendly environment: you already answered your own question, saying your friends/family are now used to that. But letting go and not saying anything doesn't mean agreeing...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it considered impolite?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under most circumstances: &lt;strong&gt;YES&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it tolerated for the sake of effectiveness in our western society?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't say for so many different countries and culture, but from what you said of yourself, you seem to give people only the choice for tolerating it. Even if you're smart (er than others), don't be &lt;strong&gt;condescending&lt;/strong&gt;. Maybe it's time for a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talking_stick&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Talking Stick&lt;/a&gt; :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking for sources and references, I came across &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-symptoms&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;ADHD : Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder&lt;/a&gt;. If you want to read about it, some points are really interesting and may show you workarounds, even if it's not a disorder you suffer from. Symptoms include :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inattention (lack focus and listening)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hyperactivity (always be &quot;on the go&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Impulsivity / Impatience (having a hard time waiting to talk or react)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other links: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.healthline.com/health/adult-adhd&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Adults ADHD&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Finishing-Other-People&amp;#39;s-Sentences&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Stop finishing other people's sentences&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOTE: being a kid/teenager, I often did that to people to draw attention, and it bothered me as much as it bothered them. I found 2 tricks: 1. count mentally to seven before answering/asking 2. in class, put my thumb and middle finger under my chin, with my index on my mouth. That was a &lt;em&gt;great&lt;/em&gt; self-taught &quot;S*** U*&quot; :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T18:29:31.087" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T18:29:31.087" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1290" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1291" CreationDate="2017-08-03T14:52:06.800" Score="1" ViewCount="1642" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is the first time I buy a vehicle on my own, so I have no experience in this matter. Today I will be meeting someone who is selling their motorbike. I think he is asking too much for it so I want to make a reasonable offer without offending him. What is the best way to do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm from Buenos Aires, Argentina. Maybe I didn't express my question correctly because english is not my native language. I don't really think the price is too high, but I want to try and haggle because of my own budget (The bike is U$S 4700 but I have roughly 4200 to spend). I know it's common for a buyer to try and lower the price of a used vehicle, but it really depends on the predisposition of the seller to take it as an offense or not. What I'm looking for is &lt;strong&gt;a way&lt;/strong&gt; to ask for a lower price. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2468" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T04:40:17.550" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T04:40:17.550" Title="How can I politely make an offer on a used vehicle?" Tags="&lt;courtesy&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;negotiation&gt;&lt;argentina&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1290" CreationDate="2017-08-03T15:09:14.700" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Original&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Collect Data&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to make sure you have data showing similar bikes in similar conditions (age, miles, 'like new' or 'junk')&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Set a limit before arriving&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He knows what he wants to sell it for. You should go into the negotiation with a top limit (&quot;If he isn't willing to come down to X$ then I will walk away&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be courteous but not friendly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a negotiation where you both will need to make compromises. Be firm in asking him to come down on the price AND give your reasons why. Explaining why you think you can offer less than ask is important to make it seem like you aren't just trying to pay less. You are trying to pay less BECAUSE of X, Y, Z.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(Optional but I think it is a good tactic I use) Bring Cash!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he wants to sell for 5,000.00$ and you have both a) done your research, and b) set your limit, then you could walk in and say I know you want to sell for 5, but I think that because of (age, mileage, condition) it is worth 3.7, I will give you 3.7 right now in cash to make the deal. Lots of times if the sale can be done instantly and in cash people are more willing to negotiate their prices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After Edit&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still say just be upfront with the guy. Say hey, the bike is probably not worth the full price you are asking. Can you come down to 4000? (You'll probably get a &quot;no&quot;). If you get a &quot;no&quot; just say ok, well the most I can do is 4200. I'm willing to make that deal right now but otherwise I'm going to have to walk away and look for something else. And you say all of this after you test drive it and make sure it drives well and is still something you want to buy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1833" LastEditorUserId="1833" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T19:19:12.213" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T19:19:12.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1292" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-03T15:30:31.807" Score="4" ViewCount="1176" Body="&lt;p&gt;This doesn't happen often, but occasionally, when I get really excited about something, when I try to talk, I trip up on my words, stutter a bit, and what-not. I'm not even really sure why it happens, and it doesn't happen super often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, once I got really excited about a physics book I was reading and was explaining part of it to a friend who is also interested in physics, and I started mixing up my words and stuttering. I think I also might have said a few words twice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friends are kind enough to look past it, but I'd like to try to stop doing it, in case I get that sort of excited in a not quite as friendly social situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How bad does stuttering look in a conversation of that sort, and how can I stop doing it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2128" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-10T04:24:11.877" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T04:24:11.877" Title="Stuttering in excited situations" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;stuttering&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-03T15:46:59.840" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing I didn't see mentioned explicitly in the other comments: &lt;strong&gt;small talk isn't about what's being said verbally&lt;/strong&gt; Obviously the manager is just acknowledging your presence and trying to relate with you since you're the only two people in the room. &lt;strong&gt;It's an invite to talk&lt;/strong&gt;. Not talking in a room with two people might be awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of human communication is non-verbal. Like the other answers here, you could respond earnestly saying &quot;Bob was here but has just gone to get a glass of water&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or better yet, &lt;strong&gt;respond with light humor&lt;/strong&gt;, depending on your relationship with the project manager. &lt;strong&gt;Responding literally is boring&lt;/strong&gt; Take the conversation somewhere..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Of course I'm here! I'm always on the ball&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I just can't wait to talk about the project!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I just like hanging out in this room&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, we have a meeting? I'm just hiding from [the client, the boss, Ralph from accounting]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;We're the only two people who are on time apparently&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... Or, if you think that's too flippant. &lt;strong&gt;Follow-up with a personal question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I made it! What do you think about the new project Jim's working on?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm here. What happened with that call with production yesterday, where are the missing units?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I haven't talked with you much lately, how's project X going?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T15:46:59.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="677" CreationDate="2017-08-03T15:56:45.223" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Things to think about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why do you feel that leaving is rude? If you're not involved with the conversation, I don't see the problem with walking away. (Perhaps not every time, or you might be seen as a bit anti-social.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Also, along the same lines, why is interrupting rude? Would it be OK to interrupt if you were highly involved in the conversation?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me spell it out for you: &lt;strong&gt;your involvement in the group is determined by the group dynamic, particularly body language and eye contact&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're off in the corner, and nobody is looking at you or leaving a space for you to participate, you're not involved and are free to leave.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;However, if people look at you while talking, make facial expressions at you, and leave space for you to stand and face them (they're not all facing away from you), you're involved with the conversation. &lt;strong&gt;Wait for a break in the talking, and interrupt briefly&lt;/strong&gt;. &quot;I'm taking off, bye guys! *wave*&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something else, &lt;strong&gt;I would make a point to be involved&lt;/strong&gt; in the conversation, either by body language or with words (or laughing). Otherwise, you will be seen as anti-social. Even if you don't like them. It'll make it easier to be around them in the future. Lubricate the wheels, so to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Source: facing the same issue over many years&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T15:56:45.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1292" CreationDate="2017-08-03T16:09:10.040" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe I know where you're coming from, I often feel the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what I do to stop myself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop talking for a second or excuse yourself. Go in the other room, take a deep breath and focus on your surroundings. (These are mediation techniques)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't rush yourself when you talk, take time to think of the words you want to say. Finish your sentence before going to another topic. &lt;em&gt;It's ok to talk slowly.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask yourself why this happens when it does. Maybe you really like the person you're talking to? Are you afraid of looking dumb, boring, silly? Work on this issue with yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you don't already, talk to more people. I find that if I've been a hermit all week, I'll stutter more upon going back to conversing. Talk to random people on the street, people around you, or call a friend. Do this just for practice. Finding words isn't always easy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be aware of how you feel physically. I'll fumble more when I have an empty belly and have drank caffeine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T16:09:10.040" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1290" CreationDate="2017-08-03T16:28:23.447" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Original answer to original question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that he has made a high &quot;ask,&quot; you can counter with a &quot;lowball&quot; bid, by offering about half of what he asked. If he asks 100 and you bid 50-60, you might split the difference at 75-80.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is &quot;standard&quot; bargaining advice. But before you take it, check the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.autotrader.com/trade-in-instant-cash-offer/?&amp;amp;LNX=SPGOOGLEICO&amp;amp;cid=sweK57jEE_dc|pcrid|49004683657|slid||tid|[tracker_id]&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;blue book&quot;&lt;/a&gt; value of a car of similar make, age, and condition online. It's possible that even 50 is too high a bid, and it's also possible that he's asking 100 for a car worth 90, in which case 75-80 would be a more reasonable bid than 50-60. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here is a new response based on the edited question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ask is at $4700. A bid of about $3800 is not unreasonable (about 80% of the ask). If you're lucky, you'll be able to split the difference around $4200. If it's $4250, you may have decide whether or not to &quot;stretch&quot; for $50.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the seller insists on more than $4200, be up front. Say, &quot;I only have $4200. If you want more, you'll need a new customer.&quot; Faced with this choice, he may come down. He may not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility worth considering (for some people) is to offer $4000 down, and the balance of $700 at $100 a month over, say, seven months. (Save the extra $200 to give yourself a cushion.) He gets his price. You get &quot;soft&quot; terms (extra time to pay).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T18:25:04.440" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T18:25:04.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1244" CreationDate="2017-08-03T17:00:06.057" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a humorously similar issue in my first apartment...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a rather... um... vigorous encounter with my girlfriend at the time, we joked about disturbing the neighbors. We went on to remark that we never heard their encounters even though we could hear every footstep/faucet from the apartment above... And then it became apparent that they had not only heard our &quot;encounter&quot;, but also the jokes. Almost immediately it sounded like they were rearranging furniture up there... We responded with a round of applause and a good laugh. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I'm sure that some people enjoy being heard, because everything is a thing these days, others will probably be uncomfortable about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've handled this issue with neighbors in the past by introducing myself when moving into a new place, or when new neighbors move in next door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, welcome to the building, I'm SoAndSo. The walls are a little thin here (or are the walls thin here?), if I'm ever being a little too loud, just give the wall a knock and I'll turn it down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This warns them about the situation and gives a way to approach the situation latter. When they're being loud a simple rap on the wall signals that they can be heard without having a potentially embarrassing face to face conversation. Often this won't even become an issue once they're aware of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T17:00:06.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1250" CreationDate="2017-08-03T17:02:23.920" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you should never do this at the beginning of a question. Or with people you don't know well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know the person reasonably well, and the question is beginning to get &quot;long in the tooth,&quot; it is ok to break in to ask for clarification. Sometimes you can slip in a answer like, &quot;Is X what you mean?&quot; where X is the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this rarely, and do it in a manner that makes it look like you are helping to ask (or trying to understand) the question. If you do this properly the other person may give you enough time to answer the question if this can be done briefly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all fairness, people sometimes ask questions for the sake of talking/venting. Then giving/getting quick answers isn't the purpose. In that case, &quot;brevity is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; the soul of wit,&quot; except when is coming from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T17:02:23.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1299" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-03T17:38:04.670" Score="13" ViewCount="2516" Body="&lt;p&gt;I never thought I would ask this here, but I really don't know what to say to my grandmother right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This year, she's been admitted to hospital several times. Most of these because of seemingly trivial symptoms, but mostly digestive issues - nausea, diarrhea, and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's in her 80s. Just last year she's been in a perfectly good shape (both of my grandparents are shockingly doing very good in their old age), and this year her health deteriorated so quickly. She had cancer and had received radiotherapy treatment, and doing fairly good - no hostile side effects like baldness or such, although the cancer seems didn't respond to the treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being a rational person, I've been able to keep my composure around my family and her, however &lt;strong&gt;I would like to be able to console her through her sickness, and maybe even to prepare her to accept when it's her time to go&lt;/strong&gt; (I know I should not talk like this, but though I love her very much, I know maybe it's the time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in Indonesia, so I'm mainly looking for answers considering Asian culture. Note that my grandmother is not as 'westernized' as my family, so trying to rationalize too much is out of option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's out of hospital right now, and doing fairly good (can still walk around without help), however I'm looking for advice what to do/say when she's admitted again, or on the bed because of the illness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T02:50:09.383" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T02:50:09.383" Title="How to console grandmother who is sick because of age?" Tags="&lt;indonesia&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1299" CreationDate="2017-08-03T18:00:51.497" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been dealing with these issues for my (90-something) parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important, and necessary thing (which you have been supplying), is your presence. That is more important than words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People of that age will get to a point where words often don't mean all that much to them. What they can sense, more than words, is presence. And that &quot;presence&quot; includes more of the (soft, comforting) &lt;em&gt;tone&lt;/em&gt; than the actual words themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What the elder wants to know is that there is someone there with them for the &quot;journey.&quot; The details no longer matter as much (because they aren't capable of interpreting them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T18:00:51.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1302" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-03T18:02:50.400" Score="9" ViewCount="880" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1299/how-to-console-grandmother-who-is-sick-because-of-age&quot;&gt;This is my other question&lt;/a&gt;, and you can find the background of this question there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my grandmother was admitted to hospital, we (the whole family in town) are taking turns staying at the hospital. However, my biggest fear is when her health is failing to critical condition, or even worse, dying, on my shift. I don't know how to break the bad news to everyone. Of course, I can just say &quot;Please just go to hospital right now&quot; or just stating the fact her health is failing and everyone need to be in hospital right now, but the problem is I'm a very &quot;cold&quot; person and may break the news without even sounding even a little concerned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just don't want them to take the wrong impression of me, so how to break the news correctly, without sounding like a cold person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; It seems it's ironic that I wrote the answer in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/258/how-to-enquire-about-someone-after-they-learned-bad-news&quot;&gt;How to enquire about someone after they learned bad news?&lt;/a&gt; and then received the unfortunate side of the story. The answer show my cold, calculated approach when I'm faced with bad news, when in reality I wish I can be the one burst in tears when I'm faced with the death/dying close person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in Indonesia, so I'm mainly looking for answers considering Asian culture. The family has a strong Asian culture - so we're really close (though I'm not as much).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T02:49:25.023" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T15:29:35.213" Title="How to break bad news about the death of a family member to the family?" Tags="&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;bad-news&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1299" CreationDate="2017-08-03T18:13:00.130" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I remember, as a Westerner, listening to a radio show about dealing with an elderly, dying relative in China, and thinking about how &lt;em&gt;very, very foreign&lt;/em&gt; it all was to me.  Please know that I speak only as a well-meaning outsider, not as someone with knowledge of your culture.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only reason I feel able to comment at all is because that floundering loss -- &lt;em&gt;&quot;what in the world do I say now?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; -- is not unique to Indonesia.  These questions touch on universal fixtures of what it means to be human.  However, you may need to creatively reinterpret some of what I say here in order to reflect your own culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't fix the underlying problem.&lt;/strong&gt;  Everyone will die, and when we know that it is coming, it is perfectly natural to feel scared, lost, and lonely.  That counts for her &lt;strong&gt;as well as for you.&lt;/strong&gt; As a loving grandchild, you cannot fix this, most central, issue for her.  But here are some thoughts to guide you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not avoid her.&lt;/strong&gt;  She needs you now more than she ever has.  As the old saying goes, &lt;em&gt;everybody dies alone&lt;/em&gt;, but we don't need to be alone before that moment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't give false assurances.&lt;/strong&gt;  No one truly knows what happens when we die until they get there.  Pulling attention to these matters can only serve to increase her anxiety.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't force the conversation down serious paths.&lt;/strong&gt;  Do not try to push her to feel good, or feel bad, or feel any way at all.  This is her moment, and she may feel however she'd like.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be good company.&lt;/strong&gt;  As long as she is living, she will be preoccupied with the concerns of the living.  That means that laughter and jokes are great.  So is conversation about what is going on in your life, or things that interest you.  Ask her how she is doing.  Follow her moods; if she wants to address serious matters, then be open to that.  If she only wants to play cards or watch the television, offer to enjoy these activities with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hold her hand.&lt;/strong&gt;  Touch is absolutely foundational to how humans interact with one another, and comforting touch soothes the mind in ways that words never can.  She may be frail, but you can still hold her hand or give her a gentle hug.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't find the link, but I remember hearing from the director of StoryCorps, who has listened to thousands of short interviews between dying folks and their healthy, loving relatives (of all cultures), that there are four things that everyone needs to say before they go.  They are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I love you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I forgive you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Please forgive me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thank you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is wonderful of you to wish to be there for your grandmother. And at the end of her days, that is really all you can do.  &lt;em&gt;Be there for her, and be there with her.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; If you are not the primary caregiver for your grandmother, please consider also providing some support, both emotionally and with chores/activities, to the person who is.  They may not be the person dying, but what they do is physically, emotionally, and in every other way draining. They could also use some care, love, and support.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastEditorUserId="65" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T19:31:13.920" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T19:31:13.920" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1302" CreationDate="2017-08-03T18:20:08.407" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This type of information, especially with family is best done face to face. If you are calling people to give them news then suggest they come to the hospital now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you give them the news first on the phone and they then have to drive it can be dangerous. Or if they take public transport then it can be extra stressful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi. I think it would be best if you came to the hospital now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had to deliver that line to my brother over the phone on the death of our father. We both knew what it meant but it gave him the opportunity to delay his grief until he travelled and arrived at the hospital. At which point it was safe for us both to break down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to specifically deliver the news then you can say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I have some sad news. Grandma passed away earlier today. I was with her at the time, she passed peacefully in her sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many hospitals or hospices there are members of staff who can support you through this process. They have done it many times themselves and will be sensitive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm based in the UK&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T18:40:27.820" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T18:40:27.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1302" CreationDate="2017-08-03T18:33:04.107" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;The following advice applies to just about any culture, but it is particularly good for an Asian culture because of its strong family orientation. (I am Asian American.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, you and others are &quot;taking turns&quot; watching over grandmother (if I understand the question correctly). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just meet with the others (hopefully) beforehand and ask, &quot;What should any of us say or do if grandmother dies on our watch?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Older, wiser family members will have opinions on this. But by asking the question, you will have established the &quot;protocols.&quot; You'll have your answer--ahead of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kudos to you for thinking about this ahead of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T15:29:35.213" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T15:29:35.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1307" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1310" CreationDate="2017-08-03T20:49:04.133" Score="61" ViewCount="19282" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a bit of a problem with my girlfriend, in that things aren't getting done because she is forgetful about things she doesn't like to do. We've had many discussions on the topic, and we both agree these are things that need to be done, and she agrees that she needs to do them. I do my part to make sure all of my affairs are in order, and I need her to do make sure hers are too, regularly, without forgetting. After agreeing, she says it'll happen on her day off, then the next day, I will ask her about it, to the &quot;I forgot&quot; excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However the problem comes that if I remind her, it makes her more likely to &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; want to do it. If I don't remind her, she forgets to do it and it just doesn't get done. It also goes for other things (getting her CA license, as she's from out of state) and other people (siblings, etc.) as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I emphasize the need for someone to do something that I can't accomplish for them, while not necessarily reminding them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the west coast of the United States. We're both adults, living together, and this applies for any type of household chores.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-06-03T06:12:11.043" LastActivityDate="2019-06-03T06:12:11.043" Title="How can I remind someone to do a task when reminding them makes them less likely to do it?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;tasks&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-03T21:56:51.673" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the sound of it, she still has some maturing to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if I remind her, it makes her more likely to &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; want to do it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're describing a teenager's behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your helpful reminders to &lt;em&gt;help her&lt;/em&gt; are not welcome, then don't give them. Let her learn a tough lesson about procrastination. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She keeps putting off getting her license, are you driving her around? If so, STOP IT! Make it clear &lt;strong&gt;WHY&lt;/strong&gt; this needs to get done now and not later (i.e. so she can get herself around). She &quot;forgets&quot; because it is not important to her, therefore, she sees no incentive to get it done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I emphasize the need for someone to do something that I can't accomplish for them, while not necessarily reminding them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emphasize &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; it needs to be done, not just that it needs to be. Either point out what happens if she doesn't do it or just let her find out for herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do apologize if this comes off harsh, it just reminds me of myself a few years back. I've had to do a lot of self-reflection and maturing the last couple years. Tough love can be effective, at least it was for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T21:56:51.673" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-03T22:22:37.310" Score="70" Body="&lt;p&gt;I disagree with those who claim it is immature or otherwise wrong for her to object to you telling her to do it. You're not her parent or manager. The two of you are partners. You want to work together to get all the things done that you need to do as a team. Some (like renewing a license) can only be done by one person, and others could be done by either, but you want to keep the workload fairly distributed. In the context of partnership, words like &quot;excuses&quot; don't really belong. I don't like being ordered to do my own tasks, even more so on someone else's schedule. You may feel that the consequence of not getting A, B, and C done by dinner time is that at dinner time you can be ordered to do A, B, and C right now - but I wouldn't like that and I doubt your partner has agreed to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when you ask, because you're curious and you care, &quot;did you get your license renewed?&quot; and she says &quot;oh, I forgot!&quot; you can &lt;strong&gt;offer to help&lt;/strong&gt;, especially if she looks disappointed or frustrated by the realization that she was going to do that. &quot;Is there any way I can help you to remember that?&quot; You can also offer specific ways of helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The one that works the best for us adopts some ideas from agile software development. We have information radiators (in our case, lists on whiteboards) that everyone can see so they know what needs to be done. When things are done they are checked off, not erased, so that the partner knows they were done. When my kids were little we had daily and weekly checklists that described not what needed to be done, but a state that needed to exist (eg &quot;dirty dishes are all in the dishwasher&quot; or &quot;no coats on the floor&quot;.) This can act as a reminder for those who can do a task, and certainly if you're wondering what you should be doing right now checking a list like this will give you great ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might consider a shared todo list that is on both your phones, a paper list in your home, offering to text at a specific time (today I Skyped someone in a time zone 12 hours different from mine &quot;it's 9 am here&quot; and &quot;it's 10am here&quot; - you would think a phone alarm would work for that, but I was asked to do it over Skype and I did), a sticky note on the car steering wheel, or various other technological solutions to the remembering issue. Keep in mind that it's never fun to work while others relax, so &quot;you clean the toilet while I watch TV&quot; is darned unpleasant. A better plan would be &quot;let's do a major clean - bathroom, vacuuming, laundry, the works. I think I'll start with laundry, how about you?&quot; It's also, for most people, better to do one or two things every day, gusting up to an hour or two of errands and tasks, than to save 20 or more disliked things to be done alone on what is supposed to be a day off to relax and recharge. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also fine to talk about how it's not fair that you're always the one who cleans the toilet, or that there's no milk in the house because she said she would get it on the way home, and you now really want to drink milk and can't, or whatever other unpleasant consequences for you there are to her mismanaging her tasks and time. Try to start these sentences with &quot;I&quot; rather than &quot;you&quot; and do not ascribe motivations to her (can't be bothered, don't care enough to), just talk about actual facts (did not get milk, did not call the electrician) and the effect on you. If something just irritates you but doesn't affect you (her license, perhaps) don't complain about it. Focus on forgotten things that make a difference in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-08-03T23:05:34.317" LastActivityDate="2017-08-03T23:05:34.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-04T00:10:19.640" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;All you need is love....&quot; isn't as accurate as advertised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately there are some other important factors to think about in a serious, long term relationship. This sort of &quot;forgetfulness&quot; being one of them. Honestly it sounds like what you're seeing isn't as much forgetfulness as procrastination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing isn't as much what you need to do, as much as what you probably shouldn't be doing... Stop reminding, stop nagging, and stop doing things for her, simply stop enabling the behavior. The worse procrastinators will come to rely on more responsible people to take care of things, and often they won't become responsible till they absolutely have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let life's consequences take care of it. It's not your job to teach her, and in the long run she will probably resent you for being on her case all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she agreed to take care of something and didn't, the ball is still in her court till she asks for help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take a moment to think about whether this is a personality trait that you can live with... Hate to say it, but if it doesn't improve over time it may be something that takes a big toll on the relationship. Definitely something worth considering when making long term plans with a partner, it's one thing to procrastinate over  the shopping, another thing entirely when it's a mortgage payment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T00:10:19.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-04T00:23:47.787" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you've misunderstood aspects language/questions/social interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first one is formally known as the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phatic_expression&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;phatic function&lt;/a&gt;: many questions/communications serve no purpose other than opening a dialogue and maintaining a particular social atmosphere. This is very common and your manager's question seen in this light is no more stupid than asking, &quot;how's it going?&quot; or saying &quot;hi&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another misunderstanding is the manner in which people ask questions. E.g., if you knew the time, how would you answer the question, &quot;have you got the time?&quot;. I presume you would decode the message to mean, &quot;please tell me the time, if you have it&quot;, and tell the person the time, rather than literally interpreting the question and replying &quot;yes&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, when your manager asked, &quot;You're the only one here?&quot;, they may have been implicitly asking, &quot;where is everyone else? Is there something I don't know about going on? Update me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2495" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T00:23:47.787" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-04T01:18:22.143" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're the only one here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's inviting you to offer any insight you might have.  It's meant to be a gentle, informal request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, she could've asked you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why isn't anyone else here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people might interpret this as implying (or at least suggesting) that they should be able to answer the question.  By choosing the wording that she did, she avoided implying that you should know, reducing it down to a gentler invitation for you to offer information &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you had any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1273/1563&quot;&gt;@NVZ's answer&lt;/a&gt; pointed out that you could just go &lt;code&gt;¯\_(ツ)_/¯&lt;/code&gt;, then move on to small talk.  And that's exactly what she was trying to enable you to do; you could offer what you knew if you had anything to offer, &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; you could just go &lt;code&gt;¯\_(ツ)_/¯&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1563" LastEditorUserId="1563" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T01:26:34.340" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T01:26:34.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-04T01:23:06.533" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;On its face, it's a fairly meaningless question, so you could use it as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a way to get more information (&quot;Who else do we need to get started?&quot;), &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;an opening for smalltalk (&quot;Yes, by the way, any news on (recent issue)&quot;?),&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;an opportunity for comedy (&quot;Yup, and I'm not even entirely here.&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no one right answer when the question is so basic, but you could avail yourself of nearly any other option along the range of professional responses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2318" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T01:23:06.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="285" CreationDate="2017-08-04T01:52:39.627" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on your family situation and age, there may also be psychological and/or medical issues involved.  You could consider having a 'sleep study' done to better identify your sleep quality during these periods, to establish a medical baseline.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This baseline could serve as a foundation to discuss the interpersonal issues, as well as provide something to evaluate your sleep quality and patterns in the future, or indicate any next medical steps to consider.  In any case, it's additional information you can use in your decisions and conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2318" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T01:52:39.627" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-04T02:28:13.090" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a life-long procrastinator. During the second year of my marriage to a wonderful, loving man, we had a long &quot;lively discussion&quot; about this which ended when he quietly said, with much obvious reluctance:  &quot;I don't want to live like this&quot;.  For a moment, I froze - it sounded as if doomsday was about to descend upon us.  Fortunately, I took it seriously, and I gradually reformed sufficiently so that we had another fifty five years of happy married life partly because he did not expect perfection &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2500" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T17:53:23.100" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T17:53:23.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1319" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-04T04:13:46.063" Score="5" ViewCount="1080" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an idiot and I've always had the &quot;nice guy / pushover&quot; mentality which I've been working on personally and have steadily gotten a lot better at overcoming. This one caught me by surprise and I instinctively said yes. The truth is, I hate camping. It is one of my least favorite activities to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a coworker (same level at work) and we get along well enough. The few times when we are alone though and the conversation goes past small talk or work-related topics it's clear that we just don't click. He's a good guy and Im sure if he knew I said &quot;yes&quot; when I didn't want to, he would feel a little bad but would more so think I'm an idiot and a pushover (which I was in this instance I admit....). What is the best way to handle this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in the United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorUserId="16" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T06:44:46.590" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T04:55:23.373" Title="My coworker invited me to go camping. I hate camping but instinctively agreed. How can I back out?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1319" CreationDate="2017-08-04T04:51:37.843" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could decide to officially deal with your pushover-nice-guy status.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really don't want to, and you only said yes because of an admitted character flaw, then it's probably time to look at  flaw and be honest about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stand up for yourself. Tell your coworker the truth. And try not to do that anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes carefully wording and qualifying the truth for people isn't the right thing to do. Just tell your coworker the actual truth. You agreed to go, when you didn't want to, because you tend to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I call the nice guy thing a flaw, because saying &quot;yes&quot; when you mean &quot;no&quot; probably puts you in uncomfortable situations on a regular basis. When you're honestly uncomfortable, and you're doing stuff anyway, you're not being completely honest with the people around you. You're denying them the opportunity to know who you actually are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's one thing to take one for the team when it really matters, it's something else when you do it habitually and you don't like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being the nice guy isn't the worst flaw to have, but better flawed and honest about it, than flawed and not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T05:16:40.297" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T05:16:40.297" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1321" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-04T05:41:56.727" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For questions relating to Australian society or culture. Or to specify the geographical region of the questioner to help provide context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T14:45:33.003" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T14:45:33.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1322" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-04T05:41:56.727" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in the Australia or Australian culture." OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-31T13:32:35.773" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T13:32:35.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-04T08:26:38.747" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who has this problem themselves, I should have an answer for you. The sad thing is, after many years, I don't know whether I do. I'm still learning too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have exactly that reaction/experience as you describe it. Its not one I choose or indulge, and I try to not let it kick in, but, after a lifetime, I'm still nowhere near beating it. But I know it better than I did, and I'm less a victim of its effects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm writing this to offset those who say it's a sign of immaturity, and give you a sense what it &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be like, to have your head fighting against itself in some way like you're portraying. The closest I can come is that feeling everyone's had, &quot;I want to but I can't&quot;, jumping off somewhere high, walking past the haunted house as a kid, we all know that feeling briefly. For some people, it's not about houses and falls, it's internal reactions to things long ago that still remain potent everyday triggers, that have outstayed their use and become generalised and trigger on everyday life. Maybe that's how it is for her, maybe not. I'm assuming she truly wishes it were different, and isn't just indulging in idleness. Show her this. Ask her. Then listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; help much? Hmm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being pushed or pressured about it by others makes it worse not better - now as well as feeling bad for something I don't like about myself, I can get others telling me how I ought to feel bad too, or their magical ideas to fix it which work fine in theory, and how odd that they get affronted when I say that in that lifetime I might just have tried that already and &lt;em&gt;it doesn't help&lt;/em&gt;. I can see what's happening, I don't know how to fix it. Set alarms, write notes, feel good, feel bad, lose out from it (money, friends, whatever)... you name it. Not one of them really made any difference or resolved it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What have I found that &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; help? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that just like others pushing too hard, makes it harder, so does pushing myself, in the bullying/pressuring sense. Accepting its hard for me, that I need to not beat myself up internally over it, that it needs gentleness from oneself. Its a bit like a leg that cramps too much;  you get over it faster if you aren't reacting by forcing and beating it, or cussing it out, or having the world and their friend telling you how this means you're letting everyone down and how bad you are (One knows and feels it anyway, so, thanks for reminding me what a disaster I am and how much it needs to get going now, guys. What a pity that the leg isn't listening and is doing its own thing, despite that gem of wisdom. Maybe you'd better tell me next time, too. Huh).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my first breakthrough was realising how inside, I was being very self critical. I ought to be able to, anyone else can, just get it done. Brutality to oneself doesn't help, even to oneself. If it did, it would be fine by now. Like OCD or depression, have you ever seen people get over those gifts of neurology by being &quot;helpfully&quot; beaten up emotionally about it by people who don't have a clue? Me neither.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What else helps? Time. Not just long time, but reaction time. A lot of it (for me anyway) is triggered but then it can get easier or harder to get past it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone sits over me judgingly: hard.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone getting going by starting their stuff and inciting me to join them in working on mine: easier.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone who argues more and gets angry/upset when I can't: hard. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone who can hold back a bit, not get wound up, and helps me to remember that maybe &quot;try in a little&quot; works and gives a hug: easier.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone who understands its a symptom of pressure and doesn't add more, and looks for other ways to help me over the hump: easier. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Learning to say &quot;My heads in a bad space, can you ask me that in a while (so I can digest this bit of pressure before the next bit hits)&quot;: easier. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Having friends and family willing to try and avoid triggering it or making it worse because of pressure &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; feel: easier. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perspective and humour also help a lot, they take a bit of the edge off, and again, help by giving time to manage things: easier and fun too;   I get notes like this left for me in odd places and a fair amount of the tine it works. Much better:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/0WoPN.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/0WoPN.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;&amp;quot;Dear, Today, you will do the carpet with the carpet cleaner, or I will kick your bum, ok? Love from X&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Time also matters because I've found its a narrower effect than I realised. For me anyway, that is. For many years, it  &lt;em&gt;seemed&lt;/em&gt; to splurge all over my life, because I didn't see it clearly, and I didn't know what was going on. With experience I've learned it can be managed, like diabetes or migraines. Cant avoid it, can get more experience at mitigating and anticipating it, so it doesn't cause such a grade 1 problem + stress to me and everybody. Some kinds of situation and things trigger it more than others. The actual hurdle might not be all of the task, it might be in (say) actually starting rather than continuing once started, or could be some specific part/stage of the task. So that's another area I can find workarounds in. I've learned to recognise better when I'm getting stuck that way, and what help I need, and to express/be open about it: &quot;My heads freezing on it, I'm not getting anything done and its been days&quot;. Takes courage and trust to be able to be open about &quot;shameful&quot; failings, especially when there &lt;em&gt;is no easy answer&lt;/em&gt;. You can foster that between you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's others. A lot comes down to how one perceives it, and seeing that its not monolithic, it hits some things, some triggers, some times and ways, and those can be noticed, patterns spotted, help asked or offered when they occur.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(And as an afterthought, even if this sort of thing &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; what's going on, guess what? The odds are good its &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; going to be fairly useful advice until you do find out what's up)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-23T21:43:28.240" LastActivityDate="2018-12-23T21:43:28.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1325" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1329" CreationDate="2017-08-04T08:34:59.207" Score="4" ViewCount="1772" Body="&lt;p&gt;I receive unwanted commercial phone calls around two or three times a week, where they want to sell me things, which of course I never want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Belgium. We have a law that forbids commercial calls if your number is explicitly registered on a list, which I have done. However with the globalization, some companies now use foreign call centers to circumvent the law and still call you, explaining the two to three calls I still receive each week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These call centers are relentless, and they're often the same people working for various customers. I know that because the voices that call me are mostly the same (not similar: the same). The number is hidden so I can't get it. Also, my provider can't stop them because even if the number is hidden (and they have to respect that), they use a different number every time from various countries, I'm told. Being professional, I can't not answer a hidden call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried everything in my book: politely declining, playing along to grab the name of the seller in order to ask them to stop doing such practice (spoiler: they don't), abruptly end the phone call, playing bagpipes on the phone, being very rude, reversing the situation where in the end I try to sell them something, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing works: in the end the very same group of three people will call me for different customers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I force/trick them into not calling me anymore?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2512" LastEditorUserId="2512" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T09:20:31.103" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T16:42:15.667" Title="How to stop unwanted commercial phone calls?" Tags="&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;belgium&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-10-20T06:29:40.527" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1326" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1332" CreationDate="2017-08-04T08:48:07.797" Score="15" ViewCount="6437" Body="&lt;p&gt;The usual flow of conversation (that I am used to) when a person says something surprising is as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person A: (says something surprising)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Person B: Wow! Really?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Person A: Yes, (elaborates)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (conversation goes on..)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I have been in situations when Person B reacts with &quot;get out of here!&quot; or even &quot;shut up!!&quot; instead of a simple &quot;really?&quot;. This is apparently how some people express incredulity. It is not said angrily and I know it's not literally meant, but I am not sure how to proceed in such situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation gets very very awkward as my initial reaction is indeed to &quot;shut up&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the correct response to these (less polite) means of expressing incredulity? How can I keep the conversation going?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a non-Dutch person living in the Netherlands and I encountered this situation a few times with other international expats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2159" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T16:04:59.587" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T00:37:41.063" Title="How to respond to &quot;shut up&quot; as a form of incredulity?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1148" CreationDate="2017-08-04T09:00:45.073" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is coming from a very shy and closed person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be around, be a good company, make sure you fit in and you will be invited in activities. If you're annoying to the group, or just weird then inviting yourself in anyway/showing you're available won't help your cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My 2nd year of University I had lectures with some people I wanted to get to know better. I just sat around them, walked home with them, participated with jokes (being funny helped out) and was generally around. Soon enough they started inviting me to events (hanging out, playing games etc.). After that it was easy, and if I felt that I might not get invited to an event, I bugged the guy I considered the closes to make sure to invite me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example we together were four and would frequently play card game that required four. Sometimes there was an option to call another person to be the forth but I made sure to mention I'm available, asked about the time the event was taking place, generally just putting myself and the event in the same sentence. Soon enough I also started bugging the closes of them &quot;Call me when to come, don't forget me&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2516" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T09:00:45.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1325" CreationDate="2017-08-04T09:06:58.213" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I particularly cannot stand cold calls:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/269/how-do-i-politely-end-a-cold-call-ive-received&quot;&gt;How do I politely end a cold call I&amp;#39;ve received?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will go to great lengths to avoid cold calls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have a private/ unlisted phone number. I haven't needed to use the site to take my number off a call list for some time, as it hasn't been caught for a while - &lt;em&gt;touch wood&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If your number makes it onto a call list - change it and keep it private. They pass them call lists around and I've found that asking to be taken off these lists doesn't work - as you have found.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't give my home number out to anyone - not a soul - except. It's there as back up - in case a landline is mandatory for the children's school for example. I find mobile phones are much easier to screen calls than landlines.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you have caller id on your landline. Don't answer a number you do not recognise.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some telcos will allow you to whitelist numbers for your landline - this can be problematic - as if you cannot predict all the numbers you may want to connect with you, as numbers not on the whitelist won't be able to get through.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I change my phone number regularly - if too many people have it and I no longer need to communicate with a lot of those people any more - I change it. It's a little inconvenient, but people are used to me changing my number every year. I prefer the inconvenience of sending out a text and updating accounts than receiving cold calls.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I block private numbers on my mobile phone, so I don't even hear them ring. The call goes to message bank. Cold callers rarely leave messages.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have a white list on my mobile of callers who can call me, so I'm only notified of their calls.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;With all of this locked down, the only thing that cannot be avoided is the use of randomly generating phone numbers - as any number can then come up. As I don't talk to people, it usually goes nowhere. If I happen to answer such a call I tell them to remove me and hang up.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Occasionally I have received a phone number and I receive calls from the previous owner of the number being on lists or not letting contacts know of the change. I just change that number quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T09:06:58.213" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1325" CreationDate="2017-08-04T09:09:20.323" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;A solution would be not answering calls from anonymous numbers, or from phone numbers you don't recognise. However, that would mean you might miss calls you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A possible solution could be a combination of technology and interpersonal skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Answering Machine&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get an answering machine if you don't have one already, one that allows you to hear the messages as they're being recorded.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Also, get a phone that shows the number of the caller, and with a built-in phone book that shows the name of the caller if the number is in the phone book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then record a welcome message on your answering machine that explains that you don't answer calls from anonymous or unrecognised numbers, but that you might pick up when you hear the caller. You can also add to that welcome message that your number is on the do-not-call list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you can screen your calls, while reducing the hassle as much as possible for legitimate callers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that most anonymous or unrecognisable numbers are either unwanted callers, or businesses with legitimate calls (&quot;your book has arrived&quot;, &quot;your car has been repaired and is ready for pick-up&quot;). Those businesses won't mind an answering machine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T09:09:20.323" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1326" CreationDate="2017-08-04T09:14:49.893" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well I think the best thing you can do is to support that incredulity, so if someone was to say &lt;strong&gt;Shut the front door!&lt;/strong&gt; you could respond like &lt;strong&gt;Yea it's insane&lt;/strong&gt; or something like &lt;strong&gt;I know right!?!&lt;/strong&gt;, and then continue to elaborate or just change the subject smoothly, for example I will show you a conversation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You &gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;&quot;Did you know that ice is lighter than water?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend &gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;&quot;Shut up!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You &gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;&quot;I know right! it's insane, also did you know water is a liquid!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend &gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;&quot;Stop lying!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You &gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;&quot;Yea I can't believe it either&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  (conversation continues forever...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the worse thing you could do is to just be silent, because it get's really awkward and the person may (in my experience) say something like, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I didn't mean that&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, but also sometimes when someone says &lt;strong&gt;&quot;shut up&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; in not a incredulity way, it's sometimes hard to tell but just check facial expressions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is all a assumption in a informal way, to formally reply you can just say&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Yes, it's incredible&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, or something like &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Yes it's wonderful&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you did somehow reach the silence area, than some responses could be. &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Well anyways back to the topic, (elaborate)&lt;/strong&gt; or &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Well this is awkward, anyways (elaborate)&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. Personally the best thing you could is to crack a joke to make you and the other person feel well, un-awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to reinforce this, no answer is not the best answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2147" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T20:40:41.643" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T20:40:41.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1333" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-04T09:42:20.567" Score="7" ViewCount="822" Body="&lt;p&gt;My dad drinks a lot and creates nuisances after that, when he's drunk. To try to end that I am planning to take him to a rehabilitation center.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we ask him to come with us, he won't. What is a better way of doing that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm planning to take him to the center when he's drunk and unconscious. Is there a better way than this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2519" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T14:55:10.217" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T16:31:43.177" Title="How to take one to rehabilation center without telling him?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;substance-abuse&gt;&lt;intervention&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-04-14T23:50:59.810" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-04T10:00:16.637" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As others have said. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also adding this:  In your bosses shoes, it would feel very awkward and rude &lt;strong&gt;to them&lt;/strong&gt;, to come in, find 1 or 2 people there, and &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; say anything to them, or ignore them. They could say &quot;hi&quot; or &quot;nice to see you&quot;* or &quot;all ready ware you?&quot; or many other things, but what you quote is a nice easy question that's not probing, doesn't take concentration from them, like when people say &quot;dark out isn't it&quot; or &quot;car not working again&quot; or &quot;waiting for supper?&quot; or any one of a thousand other questions that says &quot;I'm interested and casually chatty, engaged, not being bossy&quot; and leaves it to you whether you feel like mumbling &quot;mhm&quot; or chatting briefly in reply - both would be equally okay. A suitable reply would be equally light - &quot;yeah, sounds interesting&quot;, &quot;Needed the coffee!&quot;, &quot;It's important&quot;. Equally open to any or no reply, and acknowledging back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T10:00:16.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-04T10:23:32.617" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read a book recently which gave a few suggestions. In case you would like to know which book: &lt;em&gt;How to win friends and influence people&lt;/em&gt; by Dale Carnegie.&#xA;I would advise this book to everyone who is interested in this topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Try to honestly see things from the other person's point of view&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to think as the other person for a second. Is there a reason he or she could have for not doing something. Maybe he or she finds it a difficult task and you could do it together or maybe it was an extremely busy day and is he/she extremely tired. It's really easy to judge someone if he/she hasn't done something, but very often there is a good reason for it and you're able to solve it together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Ask questions instead of giving orders&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody likes to be told what to do, you should always try and ask it. By asking them questions you also give them to opportunity to respond and give an explanation why they haven't done it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Call people to their mistakes indirectly&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By calling to their mistakes indirectly they will not feel attacked. E.X.&#xA;If the dishwasher hasn't been emptied yet. You could ask a question like: &quot;I can't find my favourite mug in the cupboard, do you know where it is?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You're not telling them they've made a mistake yet, but it will remind them of having to do it in a kind way. This is a silly example but you can think of a nice indirect way of asking something in most cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Empathize&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are more likely to listen if you make them feel understood.  Phrases like these will be a good start:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I do understand you and I don't want to do it either, but ...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;If I were in your situation I would have probably done the same, but we both know ...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Make people happy about doing the things you suggest&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they see the advantages of doing something directly they are more likely to do it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As an example: &quot;could you please start vacuuming now, if we do it now we don't have to do it next week, we want to leave a good impression on our visitors that are coming tomorrow right?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;By doing this you will tell them they will have to do it eventually anyway, but allow them to leave a good impression on others too if they do it right now. Making the task seem more important and useful then at first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option would be something like this &quot;If you do this quickly we will have a bit time left over and we could get an ice cream&quot; You could of course tie completing tasks to all kinds of rewards (systems).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this will help you further. I would really suggest that you read the book. It helped me a lot and I saw results instantly. Feel free to ask more clarifications and/or suggestions!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2524" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T17:41:09.327" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T17:41:09.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1337" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-04T11:15:55.593" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is one lifehack that worked for me perfectly well. I was the forgetful lazybones in such a situation, and I had my parents (and sometimes friends) reminding me what I must do/promised to do/asked to do. I also had that powerful unwilling to do anything, I am reminded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution looks pretty simple. I just needed to remind myself instead of receiving outside reminders. I've found a suitable mobile program to keep track of everything I want/should do. Then, I've asked everybody I know to stop reminding me directly. And if they want, they should ask something like &quot;how's your todo list?&quot;. It was mostly a psychological change for me, but I did really make success in completing tasks, because I got used to checking my plans regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-20T14:52:14.657" LastActivityDate="2018-12-20T14:52:14.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1338" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1341" CreationDate="2017-08-04T11:47:34.940" Score="8" ViewCount="1630" Body="&lt;p&gt;Quite often at work, towards the end of a training session or staff briefing there will be an opportunity for any questions/queries to be answered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how interesting or engaging I find these, I can &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; think up any relevant/useful questions to ask; which I am concerned will make me look disinterested (generally the rest of the group will be quite vocal). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When watching others give presentations, how do you think of appropriate questions to ask? What sort of things do you look out for in a presentation that you can ask questions about? Are there any more generalised questions that can be applied to presentations about different topics?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2514" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T19:35:35.793" Title="How do you think of questions to ask at the end of a presentation?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-02-20T16:18:39.207" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1338" CreationDate="2017-08-04T12:08:57.110" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think that you absolutely &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; think of questions or be thought impolite, but as an occasional giver of presentations I'm always surprised if no one has &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; as it means either 1) I pitched the material too low and everyone totally understood or 2) I went way too deep and no one got it at all, or thought it irrelevant. You will struggle to apply training if it's not appropriate or used promptly &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without knowing your line of work it's hard to be specific in an answer, but (when in the role of attendee) I try to work out where I can use this information, and what problems I will face when I do (making notes as I go along). If I can foresee issues, then I ask about those as the speaker may have faced them already and so have valuable advice. Make your questions concise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also helps the speaker to give better presentations as they will be able to identify areas to include if they need to do the presentation again for another audience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="427" LastEditorUserId="427" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T07:53:54.933" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T07:53:54.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1325" CreationDate="2017-08-04T12:10:11.230" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are talking about your mobile, you could use an app eg: &lt;a href=&quot;http://truecaller.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Truecaller&lt;/a&gt;. It has a wide database of actual phone numbers, which they of course create by reading the contats of the app users. Anyway the app has a list of spam callers and you can automatically block calls from the spam list for your country. Also if connected to internet while the phone rings, it instantly decodes and displays the caller name/organisation and even lists if it has been reported by others as spam.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2529" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T12:10:11.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1338" CreationDate="2017-08-04T12:17:16.050" Score="13" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Don't ask a question if you don't really mean it.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a presenter has a question-and-answer period, they're &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; not doing it for the sole purpose of determining who seems like they were listening more than anyone else. If the presenter simply wants to test people and see who was seemingly paying more attention (though questions are not necessarily correlation with attention), then they're not respecting those people who have real questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respect goes the other way, though. If you ask a question for the sake of asking a question, you could take time away from someone else who genuinely needs a clarification, and if you're all crunched for time, that's not good.&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; You've taken away someone else's opportunity. &lt;strong&gt;For that reason, I can't recommend asking a question if you don't actually have one.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;There are other ways to stand out.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that you're really just concerned with standing out. In that case, you don't have to ask a question at the end. The presenter may have left a few things incomplete along the way; asking for him or her to go over them can be truly helpful to the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've done these before. Most arose in cases where I took notes (for academic purposes, if it was a class, or for personal curiosity). Notes let you look back and try to understand the presentation when all of this is over and done. That said, don't take notes if you can't pay attention at the same time! I once asked a decently stupid question because I had missed something the presenter said - because I was overzealously taking notes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things you can do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did they skip a slide for reasons of time? Ask if they can go over to it. I've seen this happen in science presentations when the presenter didn't have time to explain a semi-related part of their work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you unconvinced by an argument? Ask them to repeat it. If the presenter is trying to convince you of something (here I'm reminded of my philosophy class this past year, where we had to convince each other of every point), they need a strong argument.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did they not elaborate on a facet or their presentation? Ask for them to explain it in more detail.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above options are likely going to be helpful in some way to others. If the presenter's presentation isn't quite complete, your coworkers may also be wondering what was missed. Don't try and nitpick every little part of the presentation, but keep an eye out for major points of clarification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Take notes as you go.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Recognize these chances when they come up.&lt;/strong&gt; You're not going to be able to remember these ideas in a flash during a Q+A session at the end, and you run the risk of looking extremely stupid if you mess up (I mentioned that I made that error once). Write things down as the presenter goes over them. Take notes - in moderation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, only ask this if you do want to ask questions. This applies to all questions, not just the sort of inquiries I gave above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Can you talk to the presenter at the end?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to stand out, this is an excellent way to do it. My college's physics and math departments do weekly or biweekly colloquia, where an outside speaker talks. I've had the chance before to talk to the presenter before, and it's pretty cool. In one case, the presenter was a candidate for an assistant professor. Whether or not they'll get the job is up in the air, but if they do, I'll have made a connection in the department with someone who studies something I think is awesome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, don't be a nag or go up to the person when they're busy. I happened to just stop by to thank the presenter in this final case, and we got into a small conversation, which was cool - and lucky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; A friend of mine was in a related situation recently. In a large college class, a group of students was essentially monopolizing the question period by asking questions that demonstrated very little effort or critical thinking. They were essentially parroting back information from the professor, with some slight twists, and they were clearly doing this for the attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rest of the class, quite simply, was annoyed. This group had turned the discussion in a completely unproductive direction when something constructive could have been gotten out of the question session. Keep this in mind; the questions you ask can affect the questions others have, and may derail more sincere discussions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T02:16:24.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="633" CreationDate="2017-08-04T12:42:33.627" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is someone very close to me who does this - like you, she is aware of it and realises that it's not good, but can't really help it. We have just come to an agreement that when she does interrupt me I gently stop her and tell her, &quot;Hey, you just interrupted me.&quot; Usually she will apologise and let me finish after that, and the conversation goes on as normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially it was a bit awkward - we both got a bit frustrated and irritated by it, which is pretty normal really: overall the whole situation is a bit belittling and embarrassing. I don't want to feel like I was telling her off, and she didn't really like being told that she'd done something wrong; both pretty normal human reactions. But over time it's just become a thing that we do. I've come to terms with the fact that when she gets excited she may try and interrupt me, and she accepts that my opinion is important and if I cut her off because she interrupted me then it's justified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, if you adopt this practice and are all capable of being adults about the situation, it should be fine, barring some teething issues as you get used to it. It becomes more difficult when we're with friends or acquaintances and she interrupts me then: usually I won't say anything because anyone who doesn't understand the situation may thing that I'm overbearing or rude, and we have yet to find a workaround for that. But with family, if you're all on the same page, I would assume that it's something you can work together on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NB:&lt;/strong&gt; I don't wish to post this answer as a solution &lt;em&gt;instead of&lt;/em&gt; any others, but more suitably &lt;em&gt;in conjunction&lt;/em&gt; with them. However, while I agree that there are many things you can do alone to solve the problem, the best way to tackle a problem is &lt;em&gt;together&lt;/em&gt;, with the help of people you are close to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2457" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T12:42:33.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="240" CreationDate="2017-08-04T13:12:54.537" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;IMO, this is mainly on the responsibility of your partner.  I know that if my partner was being hit on and she knew it made me feel uncomfortable then she would end it immediately.  You could bring this up to her by leading by example.  Next time a guy hits on you tell your partner.  Then pause, silence is crucial here... you want it to feel as awkward as possible.  Then proceed to assure him how you ended the flirting and what your feelings are on the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it keeps happening even though your partner knows how you feel about it and realizes that he is being hit on, then I'd wonder why he needs this extra attention and whether his disrespectful behavior is tolerable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2535" LastEditorUserId="2535" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T16:07:00.910" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T16:07:00.910" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1325" CreationDate="2017-08-04T13:19:08.373" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're like me and you have to have your phone open to calls all the time, and you have some time to waste on this matter, then I suggest the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let them talk. Let them talk all the things they want to talk about.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask questions about ALL the products they have. Stupid and minute detail questions, stuff they really wouldn't want to go into on the phone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask about how the caller's day is going and talk about yours. Go into detail and tell them why you really can't buy what they're selling. Talk about your sick grandma, how you have a lot of debt and how you're hopeless about getting out of this situation (to be clear these are all lies).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep wasting their time as much as possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get blacklisted (by most companies that are smart to hold statistics about call-center time to buy ratios)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will work for many companies. I do not get called by any company that I have wasted half an hour to an hour of and I think I might even have my phone up on a few meta blacklists... (and yeah, I did ask about this to a friend and he did look my phone number up on Vodafone, it's there)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2169" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T13:19:08.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-04T13:52:12.617" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in her situation.  Daily, I was telling my wife that I forgot something I volunteered to do earlier.  I literally did forget and it didn't even cross my mind until she brought it up again.  And when she did, along came shame and guilt when I had to tell her again, truthfully, that I had forgotten again. She explained to me how that made her feel devalued because I didn't respect her time or my commitments to her. Come to find out, my forgetfulness was tied to stress, diet, and sleep schedule.  Once we improved those things, I'm now reminding her!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2545" LastEditorUserId="2545" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T16:19:48.517" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T16:19:48.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-08-04T14:50:04.293" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't assume that the answer is obvious. Answer the question. Experience has taught me that a person may feel silly upon learning the motivations of a question that appears to have an obvious answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These obvious questions sometimes imply a request for conversation. Embrace the person verbally after answering the question. Please be kind enough to oblige when able. Don't you want to be the kind of person who helps others? These are simply requests for your social grace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2550" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T14:50:04.293" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1348" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1333" CreationDate="2017-08-04T15:10:06.120" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a very difficult situation but like @SQB mentions, an &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Intervention_(counseling)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;intervention&lt;/a&gt; would be best to start out with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forcing him into rehab will not help him as much as you think it will. &lt;em&gt;He has to want&lt;/em&gt; to beat the addiction for rehab to be most effective, as in, less likely for a relapse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Intervention is meant to get the person to realize how much harm their addiction is causing themselves and their loved ones and therefore, encourage them to make the choice to go to rehab &quot;on their own&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dealing with a loved one's addiction is emotionally exhausting and takes a toll. I really hope you are able to get through to your father and help him make the choice to better his life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T18:55:35.893" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T18:55:35.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1338" CreationDate="2017-08-04T16:38:14.063" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, most questions are asked during the presentation either to clarify a concept, dive deeper into material, or even to dispute a claim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions at the end of a presentation usually are asking something you expected the presenter to go over but they did not.  An example would be that everyone agrees on the concept but how do we implement it?  Or what will it cost?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2535" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T16:38:14.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1350" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1353" CreationDate="2017-08-04T16:53:40.257" Score="16" ViewCount="1652" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my friends online is deaf, and we met on a game and made friends through in game communication. We've set up to meet, but I realized I may have made a critical misstep in that I don't know American Sign Language (ASL). For background, he's from Minnesota and really wants to see if all of the stories about my home state of California are true. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want for him to not have fun because I don't know enough about sign language, so I'd like for a different way to communicate with him. A quick google search didn't really pull up anything (for me) other than &quot;Well learn ASL!&quot;. To give a time frame, he's coming in two weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I communicate to someone who is deaf without knowing ASL?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;We used texting, and looked like a pair of newfangled kids for the trip. He appreciated that I had thought it all out already, and when he got back he told me that it was one of the most enjoyable trips he'd taken.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T20:14:41.590" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T16:56:42.513" Title="What are some other ways to speak to a deaf person without ASL?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;disability&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1350" CreationDate="2017-08-04T17:00:42.163" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a roommate for a year who was deaf and I didn't ever learn ASL! We didn't communicate a whole lot but we certainly did have to talk from time to time. The various solutions we used will work well for you, too... and they all pretty much come down to the same thing - write it down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not in the same place, communicate the way you're used to. Use a chat room, messenger program, or texts... You can do this on a computer or cell phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're together, have a pad of paper and a pen with you so that you can write down what you want to say. Your friend may have to write back, too, depending on how good their spoken English is. If your handwriting isn't very good, you can also use texting but I think you'll feel more like you're &quot;together&quot; if you write because you are more likely to look at each other and you can also doodle, whereas with texting you'll be wrapped up in your phones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend may also know how to lip read, but don't expect them to. Ask if they can and that may make things a little bit easier but writing still may be more accurate, as lip reading isn't perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally, start learning ASL. Make an effort to learn simple things like &quot;hello&quot; and &quot;goodbye&quot; and &quot;thanks&quot; before your friend arrives and when they're there, be open to learning more and you'll never run out of things to talk about!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T17:00:42.163" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1354" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1355" CreationDate="2017-08-04T17:20:49.443" Score="20" ViewCount="4293" Body="&lt;p&gt;When travelling down a hallway with few people going different ways, I sometimes come across someone who travels down the same side of the hall in a different direction from me. When I go to move around them, they do too, creating a dance to get around each other, exactly like the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, when he asks Cho to the ball.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is always awkward, and causes me to apologize for being in the way, which always makes me feel like it's my fault for being in their way (other issues cause this). In some cases, this dance goes on until (like in the movie) someone uses physical contact to move both parties in their respective directions around each other. In many environments, this may be seen as rude or too forward to make physical contact, so I don't really know how to handle myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I avoid the inevitable stutter step that happens when people travel different directions in a hallway?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:37:12.010" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T14:21:18.777" Title="How can I avoid the awkward side step shuffle?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1354" CreationDate="2017-08-04T17:37:43.257" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should treat a hallway the same way you treat a road. Walking on the right side of the hall. This is what I do and most of the time people will move to the other side. Sometimes you can't avoid it at corners or intersections but stick to the right side and look that direction to 'signal' that the right side is your intended path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1833" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T17:37:43.257" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2" CreationDate="2017-08-04T18:54:37.253" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Excuse yourself, drop eye contact and walk on. It's always gentleman practice to blame the smartphone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost no person on earth will follow you after such a thing. If you happen to meet the 1 in a million, you DEFINITELY blame the smartphone, because you ran into a person you should have seen from far away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2565" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T18:54:37.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1358" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1354" CreationDate="2017-08-04T19:00:44.810" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have to take the lead and signal the person which way you intend to pass him by. This happened to me a while when I was much younger. It's a reflex that you get used to quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2565" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T19:00:44.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-04T20:28:51.370" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;How about setting up automatic reminders? That way you don't feel tired for keeping reminding her, and she doesn't get tired for keeping being reminded. One of the philosophies of Stack Exchange is to always remind its users &lt;strong&gt;at the right time&lt;/strong&gt; (besides performance is a feature). You don't need to be a machine to remind her everywhere every time, but reminding her a couple first times at the right context is quite important to build a strong memory. Below is the how reminding builds up long term memory, the technique is called &lt;strong&gt;spaced repetition&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/NNPLM.png&quot; alt=&quot;A graph talking about memory strength, time, stimulus and long-term memory&quot;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A further step from reminding is awarding when the desired behaviors are achieved, and splitting the tasks into smaller steps, which we slowly enter the &lt;strong&gt;gamification&lt;/strong&gt; realm. Remember, this only works if she actually wants it, not saying on the surface but denying on the inside due to some psychology processes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="86" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-03T14:09:01.363" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T14:09:01.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1354" CreationDate="2017-08-04T21:02:28.940" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find it helps if you put your arm forward, lean, nod or otherwise motion the way you're going to go. This helps the other person to then decide to go the other way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid eye contact at that particular point (pre-shuffle) since this can add to the indecision. I think it implies that you are waiting for their lead on where to go.  Of course, to make sure this isn't taken rudely you can nod, smile, or otherwise acknowledge the person (depending on your familiarity with them) during the pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="532" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T21:02:28.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1350" CreationDate="2017-08-04T21:25:08.847" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A quick google search didn't really pull up anything (for me) other than &quot;Well learn ASL!&quot;. To give a time frame, he's coming in two weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learning ASL is as big a project as learning any foreign language, but learning to finger-spell is actually pretty easy, and can be convenient as an alternative to writing things down all the time. I find it difficult to read rapid finger-spelling, but deaf people will realize if you're not able to keep up, and will slow down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also pretty easy to learn five or ten useful phrases in ASL, like &quot;how are you?,&quot; &quot;yes/no&quot; &quot;I/you want ...&quot; [point to object], and turning statements into questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, don't freak out about it too much. Your friend has been dealing with hearing people all his life. Being deaf is extremely socially isolating, so it's cool if you just go with it and have fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2572" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-27T16:56:42.513" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T16:56:42.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1363" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1378" CreationDate="2017-08-04T21:29:10.993" Score="9" ViewCount="1987" Body="&lt;p&gt;My lawyer delegated a college student in her office to act as my PA for a few hours yesterday.  He was very helpful, and we got a lot done.  Several times, I called him Michael, which I thought was his name.  When I e-mailed my thanks to the lawyer, she said that she was glad Mitchell worked out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oops!  I know what I have to do: apologize when I see him next (which will be soon) without making a big production of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And he should have corrected me the first time I made the mistake, but he is young and wants to make a good impression for the firm and for himself -- which he did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't have felt the least awkward about being corrected, and I don't feel the least bit awkward at having to apologize.  Someone in my age group (retirement) and  culture (middle class, DC area) would have been quick to correct me, either at work or in a social setting, with no awkwardness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This question is really: would correcting me have seemed like a big deal to him, or was this mistake of mine so minor that he didn't think it worth mentioning?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answers to this question will help me in understanding and interacting better with people much younger than I am -- which I increasingly have to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, yes, I need to pay more attention when I am introduced to junior staff!     &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Addendum in response to comment:&lt;/em&gt;  the lawyer introduced him to me a couple of weeks ago, and I next saw him when he arrived at my house, at which point I said &quot;Hello, Michael.&quot;       &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-08-04T22:26:45.837" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T02:17:54.117" Title="How should a young person correct an older person who got his name wrong?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;young-adults&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1333" CreationDate="2017-08-04T21:29:39.037" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had the misfortune of taking a few friends to rehab... It's never easy, no matter how you do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, it's only the ones who've really hit bottom  hard that have any lasting success. More or less those that end up agreeing to go to rehab because they've run out of other options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often the best thing to do is the hardest thing to do when the afflicted person is someone close to you. Cut them off financially and emotionally till they're willing to get the help they need. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alcoholics and addicts are a hard bunch to deal with when they're still using. Telling them that you're no longer willing to deal with them, until they get help, brings them a little closer to hitting bottom and limits the damage they can do till they're ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T21:29:39.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1365" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1333" CreationDate="2017-08-04T22:27:58.877" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd first call the rehabilitation center (maybe a few times) and ask them if there's anything you need to prepare first when bringing your father, and for suggestions along these lines.  I suspect they see families in a lot of different situations and can provide recommendations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2318" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T22:27:58.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1366" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1369" CreationDate="2017-08-04T22:30:07.910" Score="23" ViewCount="3366" Body="&lt;p&gt;Active users of Stack Exchange tend to frequent multiple sites and chat rooms, so it means we will tend to bump into the same people in different places. People don't always click, and will disagree on with one another on some things, that's natural.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I have a disagreement with someone I &lt;em&gt;tend&lt;/em&gt; to move on quickly - forget about it and treat the person the same way as anyone else - respectfully. However this is not always the case with some people, they don't move on and hold grudges. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Holding a grudge doesn't really matter, in the sense that it only harms the person holding it, if the person is able to think and act objectively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Occasionally, however there will be the person who cannot move past things and if there's been an incident between two people, it will colour their opinion and they will not let go or be able to rise above their feelings and so react in a subjective manner to any encounters with the other person. This can make life difficult when both people are active on the same sites and in the same chat rooms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's fair that people will not always agree, but it becomes suspicious, if over time, one or both people disagree with or object  to &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt; the other person says. So a person will be reacting to the personality, rather than the content of what they're saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the network is public and it's difficult to create a discussion with someone, that doesn't become a public debacle with other people being involved and lowering the tone of the site. Also, some people do not react well to being called out for their behaviour, and will become defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, we cannot really know what is going on inside someone else's head, so perceived observations of two people not getting along, may be misconstrued. Plus with online communication and cultural differences, it can be even harder to read people. So there's the risk of misinterpreting someone's behaviour. Some people can have healthy arguments and both feel like they get along well and respectfully. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some effective ways of dealing with this type of situation, either as an observer or being engaged in this type of interaction?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Do we determine if there's a problem? If so, how?&#xA;Ignoring it may also be an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really this question could apply to any online community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T02:04:32.317" LastActivityDate="2018-12-24T08:02:26.647" Title="How to handle people who don't get along on Stack Exchange?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;stack-exchange&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1363" CreationDate="2017-08-04T22:56:46.917" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is definitely not minor, the most beautiful word to anyone is their own name; so there is no doubt that this bothered Mitchell. In my experience, people don't correct each other when someone calls them by the wrong name.  I would suspect it is because the person knows it bothers them, but also knows it really shouldn't bother them that much because it's not a big deal.  Also, if anyone has called someone by the wrong name they probably won't correct someone they are not comfortable with because they know that it will embarrass them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally would not apologize, just start calling him by his correct name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2535" LastActivityDate="2017-08-04T22:56:46.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="796" CreationDate="2017-08-04T22:59:10.317" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand this big time. As seen in this post on Meta Stack Exchange &#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/293213/why-dont-we-keep-public-records-of-suspensions/293335#293335&quot;&gt;Why don't we keep public records of suspensions?&lt;/a&gt;, which is interestingly my top voted network question outside of Stack Overflow Meta.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case I was upsetting multiple individuals, but the same principles still apply. I still get off on the wrong foot with people from time to time. Some personalities are more difficult to manage (in this case mine) and so an extra effort needs to be made when communicating with people, so that our messages are not misconstrued online.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Acknowledge It&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work on the principle of &quot;own it&quot;. If I've made a mistake I own it. It can feel a little humiliating, but that's not a bad thing, as we should be embarrassed by our own bad behaviour - whatever the reason for it. It's important to acknowledge to the person that you can see what was wrong with your behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Acknowledging one's own shortcomings is really the best strength anyone can have. As by knowing where we need improvement, we are able to improve ourselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's like taking a car to the repair shop, when you think it's running fine. Not knowing if or what the problem is or where it is, means it's unlikely to be fixed. &lt;em&gt;(may not be the best example as some things are obvious to a mechanic - but I hope you get my drift)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By sharing your acknowledgement of the situation, you are telling the person, &lt;em&gt;hey, I know I behaved badly, and you could think I was immature or a troll&lt;/em&gt;. This feedback is important as it shows the other person you have self awareness and are capable of change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Apologise&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply, apologise for any distress or harm you may have caused by your behaviour. This is a demonstration that you are aware of how your behaviour impacted the other person. It displays empathy and shows that you are not only concerned with yourself, wanting the person to respect or like you, because it makes you feel good. You want the person to actually feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Change Your Behaviour&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obvious, but crucial. There's no point to apologise and then continue with the behaviour. It will render the apology, more or less, worthless. As it's akin to saying, I know I harmed or distressed you in some way and I'm still doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be hiccups. By this I mean milder forms of the behaviour in a slip up. People can react in a couple of ways to backsliding. They may be oversensitive and overreact to it, or they may be pleased that they can see an active improvement. Either way, keep house cleaning and follow the process of acknowledgement and apology if you stumble. Slip ups are hard to deal with, for both you and the other person, but we are only human.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Be Patient&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These things take time, for tensions to dissolve and the new and improved interactions between you and the other person to overwrite the person's experience of you. If the bulk of the experience has been negative, it will take time of being positive for the person to let their guard down and relax enough to trust that you have changed and the other was an aberration or an immaturity and you have indeed matured.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be difficult, knowing the person may not like you, and knowing you have to wait. Sometimes it's better to take a low profile for a while. Then gradually increase your activity, with the changed behaviour. Changing our behaviour is one of the most challenging things we can do. Tensions between people, puts pressure on you, so it's good to be mindful and pace yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interestingly, I have formed good relationships, where, previously, I was difficult and I've found people on this site to be forgiving. I suspect that's the nature of this site and the type of people it attracts. People who want to contribute and improve the world, in this internet environment, that strives maintains a &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/help/be-nice&quot;&gt;Be Nice&lt;/a&gt; policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5. Forgive Yourself&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all this focus on shortcomings, it's important to also be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for making mistakes. People who are introspective, can sometimes be too self critical and just as we should be nice to others, we should try and be nice to ourselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T14:02:08.130" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T14:02:08.130" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1366" CreationDate="2017-08-04T23:26:23.000" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/993/dealing-with-people-who-always-try-to-prove-you-wrong-in-a-conversation&quot;&gt;This feels a bit like the contrarian question...&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience here and elsewhere on the network, sometimes people really are just fundamentally different. They routinely take what appears to be a contrary position because that's how they honestly see things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time, with enough of these interactions, two users can begin to develop some amount of personal grudge against each other. The two users are both right in that the other person constantly opposes their views, but they're usually wrong when they start to think that the other person is opposing them purely for personal reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even amongst the old guard of Stack Exchange, you'll see this sort of thing. The difference being that the old timers usually just make their case and let it go until the next issue rises. Occasionally you'll even see what looks like playful banter between two users who've routinely been on opposing sides of the issues for some time now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People aren't always going to agree. We have to accept that. We aren't always going to be able to argue someone into our way of seeing things. When we argue we should state our case and let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Occasionally there will be people who are legitimately trolling, but honestly from what I've seen, these people are few and far between. Someone who routinely disagrees with you isn't necessarily trolling, they may really just see things differently. But on those rare occasions where someone is really just causing trouble to cause trouble flag and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under no circumstances should you stop participating in a community over interactions with a single user. Regardless of how irritating they may be, there are lots of other users to interact with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/xo37U.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/xo37U.png&quot; alt=&quot;&amp;quot;Are you coming to bed? I can&amp;#39;t, this is important. What? Someone is wrong on the internet.&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When &lt;a href=&quot;https://xkcd.com/386/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;duty calls&lt;/a&gt;, take a break, but be sure to come back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-24T08:02:26.647" LastActivityDate="2018-12-24T08:02:26.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1370" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1383" CreationDate="2017-08-04T23:49:01.907" Score="9" ViewCount="510" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been active on many Stack Exchange sites and post many Questions and Answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I like it when I get feedback when I post answers, either in the form of an accepted answer or a comment from the OP (original poster) or both when I answer a question. Even if it's upvoted and the OP makes no comment, I feel a certain loss at not knowing if the answer helped them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also like it when other users comment on my answers and I will leave feedback on answers that are particularly helpful or occasionally, if they're completely wrong (the notion of being wrong is more for the programming sites).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, I feel obliged to give people feedback when they answer my questions. Often though, there's not a lot to say, except - &lt;em&gt;&quot;this is a great answer&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and we're supposed to avoid those types of comments - as they're noisy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there an etiquette to giving feedback on answers posted to questions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T19:37:00.307" Title="Should I leave comments when people answer my questions?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;stack-exchange&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1371" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1376" CreationDate="2017-08-04T23:54:27.677" Score="7" ViewCount="603" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a flip phone that my parents use to contact me. Since only my parents contact me on it, I generally assume that if my phone dings, it's kinda important that I read it. For example, this past afternoon, my phone dinged in the middle of a conversation with my friend's parent, and I needed to check it because my parents were coming at some point to pick me up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's a polite way to check one's phone in such a situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2128" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T16:07:01.970" Title="The issue of phones (or how to politely read a text)" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;texting&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1366" CreationDate="2017-08-04T23:55:47.543" Score="13" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Option 1: Try to talk it out, one-on-one.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a short anecdote to start with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two and a half years ago, I was a newly minted moderator on History and Science &amp;amp; Mathematics. We'd been out of private beta for maybe two weeks, and I'd had a couple disagreements with a high-rep user who was (and still is) one of our most valuable contributors. It wasn't &lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt; serious, but I was getting a little annoyed with some of his behavior, and I didn't want to screw up, as a mod leading a young, unsteady site.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had a brief discussion in chat, over a couple days (time zone differences made it hard). I only briefly brought up our differences of opinion, and, if I recall correctly, we got to talking about, the history of math - one of the subjects the site was about, a topic we were both passionate about, something we could really connect with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See, what I remembered then was that Stack Exchange is about content. We're about questions and answers. We might have differences of opinion, but we're all here because we care about a couple of subjects, and we want to make the Internet a better place. We (well, I speak for myself) remembered that, and that helped us get through things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big advantage of this option? &lt;strong&gt;It assumes good intent.&lt;/strong&gt; You're not going into it thinking that the other person is wrong and you're right - that's never a good path to take. I only don't assume good intent if I'm 100% sure that the person is being purposely malicious. I give second - even third, or fourth - chances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't go into this discussion with a specific plan; the question of whether that was good or bad in that specific situation will remain unanswered. However, in general, I'd recommend having a plan for a one-on-one discussion. It's very easy to let your emotions get ahold of you and to then make rash decisions because of that. If you think this might be an issue, you can make a short list of talking points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is the real issue at heart here? Is there an underlying issue beneath the continued disagreements?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How did the problem come about? Don't try to assign blame; I have yet to see that lead to anything productive. Just the facts, ma'am, so to speak.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What have the effects of the conflict been, and how seriously have they impacted the behavior of both parties on the site(s)? Have other users been affected?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of you work together to change this in the future? Are there still options left?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unstructured discussions &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; have some merit. I got lucky before. However, its usually better to have something in your back pocket you can go back to if you want a successful, objective conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Option 2: Disengage.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me be clear. The first option is always preferable, because at the very least, both parties know that the other wants a successful resolution to the conflict. Asking someone to work together to solve a dispute should ensure that you both respect each other - one of the most important results going forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last year, I and several other users had a problem with someone on Physics Stack Exchange. He had repeatedly broken various rules and continued to complain and whine in chat, toeing the line and sometimes breaking it. I was occasionally a victim of his remarks, and I quickly learned that the best way to deal with him was to ignore him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many possible venues for conflict in Stack Exchange. As I wrote before, we're all about conflict, but there are secondary means of communication outside normal questions and answers. These are, in my experience, where issues usually escalate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring the person won't end the harassment. You may need to step back and let a moderator or other community member step in, especially if this user is in conflict with other users, showing signs of a large-scale problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Chat.&lt;/strong&gt; Just ignore them. Well, Ignore, with a capital &amp;quot;I&amp;quot;, because there's a feature for that. Doing this to the fellow above worked. I let other mods deal with things when he broke chat rules.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Harassment in comments.&lt;/strong&gt; Flag away. Again, my case involved the same person as the chat harasser, attacking people in comments under an election nomination. I flagged, stepped back, and let the mods (in this case, also a CM, because this person was waaay out of control) take care of it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Meta issues.&lt;/strong&gt; This is a place you won't be able to ignore the person as well. Meta is way more public. My suggestion: If they're being abusive, flag. If they're simply being overly contradictory . . . step back. Either their claims have merit or not, and if they're disagreeing just to disagree, the community will recognize this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Important note:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not take these last two actions unless the person is actually being abusive or harassing you! Make sure that you're not simply flagging because you disagree with them; your requests for intervention will likely be denied. Some might argue that that's flag abuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T14:35:34.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1350" CreationDate="2017-08-05T00:21:35.620" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your best bet is to ask your friend how they prefer to communicate with hearing people, and then do your best to learn some useful phrases while he's visiting. Most deaf people are happy to teach the basics. That being said, as others have mentioned, text messages are easy, free, and not socially awkward. Finger spelling is easy enough to learn, but clumsy until you get practice. There's lots on YouTube about that if you have the time, though, and he will certainly appreciate the effort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2576" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T00:21:35.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1374" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1319" CreationDate="2017-08-05T00:34:35.723" Score="4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Option 1: Try to back out of it&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One option which is a possibility but I would not recommend is to make up something in your schedule that you &quot;forgot to consider&quot; when you agreed. That being said, if your coworker finds out about this, it may ruin your relationship with him, as well as possibly with other coworkers in your workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you absolutely refuse to compromise and go with your agreement, the simplest method is to just confront him and say that you really dislike camping (try to give a legitimate reason &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you dislike camping) and invite him to another activity. Firstly, by directly confronting him rather than beating around the bush, etc, you show that you aren't trying to avoid him, you simply have a desire that differs from your original agreement. Secondly, by giving him a legitimate reason as to why you dislike camping, you show that it's not him you dislike, it's the activity of camping. Finally, by inviting him to another activity, you further reinforce the fact that you still like and want to interact with him, you just don't want to go camping. Hopefully your coworker will understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, backing out of your agreements often, even with reasons, will still deteriorate your trustworthiness, which in a workplace is something you should avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Option 2: Make a compromise&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last time I went camping, we spent some of the time camping (it was in a cabin), some time hiking, but the majority of the time at a nearby museum (this was with my family). Camping doesn't have to be restricted to being in a tent/cabin on a campsite, if that's the thing you dislike. Try to make a compromise or find some other activities less related to camping that you can both enjoy, so that you can go camping as he likes and do another activity as you like. Firstly, you aren't contradicting your previous agreement. This option is less likely to deteriorate your credit/trustworthiness. Secondly, by taking some initiative in planning what you are going to do there, it demonstrates your initiative and engagement in the activity your coworker invited you to. Depending on the type of person he is, this could even make your interactions/relationship with him better. Finally, this, while not avoiding going camping, makes the activity more enjoyable for you (and maybe for him too!) which makes it both a compromise and a win-win situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2575" LastEditorDisplayName="user57" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T00:59:06.607" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T00:59:06.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1371" CreationDate="2017-08-05T01:14:13.357" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can just say it is a text/call you were expecting from a family member. The reason this works is due to 2 factors&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You bring up the fact that you are about to check your phone, this is not considered rude compared with just going for your phone and interrupting whatever you were doing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A call from a family member is a perfectly valid reason to pick up the phone, no one would hold it against you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2581" LastEditorUserId="2581" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T02:14:49.240" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T02:14:49.240" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1370" CreationDate="2017-08-05T01:23:20.513" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't want or need to comment on every answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But some answers stand out on either the good or bad sides. In those cases (especially the former), people would appreciate a comment about what they have done particularly well, and even the fact that they &quot;stand out&quot; from the crowd. Even a brief &quot;good job&quot; is meaningful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, I'd like to know if I've done something particularly poorly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T01:23:20.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1378" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1363" CreationDate="2017-08-05T01:42:38.633" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a young professional and I can share my opinion on this. There is a saying that customer is king, and on top of you being the customer, you are senior to him. If I were in his position, I would absolutely not correct you unless I know we will work together more in the future. What goes through my head is that first I want to please my client (you already mentioned this in your OP), secondly I respect my elders and will feel intimidated to correct you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have a solution to these kind of problems, I use it regularly when interacting with new names. For every person, whether they are child or grandmas, I make it a point to always confirm their names in the beginning and end of the conversation. I am sure you being experienced, have some similar routine for new names, but this one works well for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also in my perspective, you should apologize to Michael. I would definitely appreciate it, especially coming from the customer/senior professional. But I wouldn't hold it against you if you didn't apologize either, I would understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2581" LastEditorUserId="2581" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T01:47:47.680" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T01:47:47.680" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1379" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1370" CreationDate="2017-08-05T01:50:19.740" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the etiquette varies a bit from site to site, I usually don't comment on things to say &quot;+1 good job&quot; or the like, because I started out on Stack Overflow, where the tolerance for noise and chit chat was a lot lower.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think &lt;strong&gt;occasionally&lt;/strong&gt; comments can be a &quot;nice&quot; addition. Particularly when they're specific about what was liked or disliked about a post, but I often don't respond to positive comments, because we really shouldn't be making conversation there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm really not a fan of boilerplate comments. Honestly the:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Welcome to the site! Be sure to take the tour and checkout the help center.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems noisy and often times sounds like an unnecessary half-hearted sentiment. Sort of like the greeters at Walmart on a busy day...  They acknowledge everyone who passes by without honestly engaging with anyone at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or sometimes worse... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Welcome to the site! Be sure to take the tour and checkout the help center. Great first post, but please adhere to policies x, y, and z.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These comments can occasionally be helpful, but when posted by someone who's a little too eager... they often end up badgering  new users to distraction over somewhat minor details. And even when the new user adheres to whatever policy they were hassled about, the comments linger indefinitely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember, once upon a time, there was a feature request for self destructing comments, so that users who wanted to engage a little more could do that, without the comments hanging around forever.  Basically self destructing comments could be left with a timer, after X days the comments would disappear harmlessly. It never took off though...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T01:50:19.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="627" CreationDate="2017-08-05T02:03:40.363" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a young professional, ethnic Chinese and grew up in USA. My personal experience with this kind of situation is to never fight back unless you want the friendship to possibly suffer. When I was little I used to care more, but over time I realized a favor done for a friend should be considered a free act of service. If the friend is a good friend, they will return the favor when you ask for it. A favor done for a stranger is also considered free, but one should never expect anything back, you most likely won't :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For casual talk: Simply ignore the fact that they brought up a past favor. Say something like &quot;oh yea thank you again for doing that [favor]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;for argument: You have to be a little more direct, but again never bring up favors you done for them, then your turn your friendship into a tit for tat one. Say something like &quot;Yes I really do appreciate you helping me that time, but I am serious when I say I cannot help you today. It is really urgent and I hope you understand as my friend. I remember that time you helped me and you can always ask for my help anytime too, please understand&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2581" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T02:03:40.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1366" CreationDate="2017-08-05T02:03:49.163" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most people on SE sites are nice enough. The really nasty ones get kicked off the site pretty fast. There are a few that &quot;fall through the cracks,&quot; that are in-between.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, these people aren't fundamentally nasty, but some have &quot;pet peeves&quot; that will sometimes lead to seemingly &quot;disproportionate&quot; responses. They are few enough so I've identified the ones whose buttons I may push, and then try to avoid pushing those buttons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T02:03:49.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="975" CreationDate="2017-08-05T02:09:22.730" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wasn't going to answer this, as I'm a 50 year old woman on the other side of the world. Then I saw this meta question &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/1293/can-i-request-that-a-user-doesnt-hint-that-i-am-insignificant-because-of-my-age&quot;&gt;Can I request that a user doesn&amp;#39;t hint that I am insignificant because of my age?&lt;/a&gt; and realised, I should answer, even though there's differences between us, we are both faced with a similar issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to swear a lot - in fact it got to the point that I wasn't finishing a sentence without swearing. I blurted out a swear word, when I normally wouldn't have. I'd have a professional filter - so swear selectively, depending on whom I was with and this was failing me, the habit was becoming so severe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also my teenage daughter started swearing and it shocked me into realising what a bad influence I was over her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I made a new year's resolution (the first one I've made with an intent of keeping) &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Keep it Clean in Twenty Seventeen&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. I made a decision to stop swearing and have been more or less successful in this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Religion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's your religious beliefs that may primarily be your reason for not swearing. Whether or not you divulge that as the reason is something of a tricky area, particularly, as you mention, they do not share your beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why I've discussed my experiences, as they're not really religion based and it shows that we can influence people over swearing, whatever our reasons for disliking swearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Religion seems to be growing increasingly unpopular (where I am anyway) and people can be mocked for expressing religious beliefs. If you feel comfortable enough with your friends to express these beliefs, then it shouldn't be a problem to state that as the reason for you not liking to be around swearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in my experience in life, it's usually better to just address the issue at hand - you don't like swearing - than to entangle it with any larger and potentially controversial issue, as the prime message you are trying to deliver is &lt;em&gt;&quot;You don't like swearing&quot;&lt;/em&gt; not &lt;em&gt;&quot;You're religious&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Introducing religion as the issue may derail the conversation from focusing on swearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The difficulties&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now here's the rub. Aussies tend to swear a lot. It's our culture. The F, S and B word are commonplace and now even the C word is being thrown more regularly. And me being such a bad swearer (or a successful swearer - which is not a good thing) and then going cold turkey and stopping, it would cause people to do a double take if I asked them not to swear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now in this instance it's been mainly family members I ask not to swear, my children (aged 15, 17 and 23), my sister and my mother. At first everyone was resistant. An instant wall of tension and resistance. &lt;em&gt;&quot;But you've been the biggest swearer!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; - exactly! which is why I've stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Handling these difficulties&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how I handled it, was to explain - you know I've given up swearing and I'm trying to raise the bar. I would make it light. Particularly with my mother, we joke when she swears and I joke about how offended I am. This may seem likes it making a mockery, but it has actually worked. She rarely swears in front of me and we're 8 months into this change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister was ok, when I explained to her - when she wasn't swearing and the situation was cool, that I really didn't want to be around swearing. So choosing a time when swearing wasn't an issue was the best approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My children, the younger two have adapted quite well, which is interesting, as they're teenagers and teenagers seem to have a reputation for objecting to limits. I am not stern, I simply say &lt;em&gt;&quot;don't swear, it doesn't sound nice&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and screw up my face a bit, like I can smell something bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My adult son, it more adversarial. He won't be told. What has happened, though, it will devolve into him making a joke, which is an improvement over conflict. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reasons not to swear&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also actively fight swearing on this Network and one of the things I say to people (both on here and my family) is, it takes more effort to not swear - to find words to fill those places. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also when there is conflict and tempers are flaring, if you've noticed for example in road rage incidents, people will usually swear when they're angry and the use of swear words will fuel the anger. They're easy to emphasize and exaggerate the intensity of what is being expressed. Not swearing when angry, takes some of the sting out of it, as using a decent vocabulary tends to slow down the brain, as the person needs to find words to express this intensity and when people are angry, often their brains lock up a bit. So a commitment to not swearing is actually practically helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Respond when things are cool&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the methods and reasons I've given can be discussed when people are cool. If someone has just sworn and they're corrected, particularly if there's other people around, they're likely to get defensive and become adversarial. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's better to mention to people who regularly swear around you, that you don't like it at a time when they've not been swearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Choose who you tell&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other issue is, if it's an acquaintance, there's unlikely to be much worth in attempting to stop them from swearing or even sticking your neck out and telling them you find it offensive. In a teenage environment, it's capable of back firing and then encourage people to troll you or tease you for your beliefs. Pick you targets, so that you don't become a target.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, you cannot control how others behave, you can only communicate how their behaviour affects you. You need to weigh up the costs and benefits of communicating this to various individuals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself: Are they likely to respect me? From observing their general behaviour, you'll know what type of character they have and whether or not it's likely to blow up in your face. You're allowed to protect yourself from being ridiculed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lead by example&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will always be people doing things we hate, that's the world and it makes it difficult when people, who are striving for goodness, are constantly battling the baser nature of human beings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to improve behaviour in those around us is to lead by example. Just as I was a bad influence on my children and you fear your friends will be a bad influence on you, make a positive affirmation that you will be the better influence. If you stay strong in your mind, with little occasional reminders, people, will hopefully start to feel uncomfortable and a little ashamed to swear in your company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T02:09:22.730" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1383" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1370" CreationDate="2017-08-05T04:10:28.960" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I run out of votes very often, because I cannot stop myself from reading a lot of posts a day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't usually leave comments when I vote because the tooltip says it already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But when I do, I leave comments that point to something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a great post, I point out what stood out to me, like on your recent post I wrote &quot;20 years to Moderator? Wow! +1&quot; (read that in Owen Wilson accent ;))&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a bad post, I point out why I think it's bad and add a &quot;-1&quot; to let them know I am voting on it so that they can ask for further clarification to improve the post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, my comments are usually no longer needed once the OP has seen it and used that information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T04:16:37.767" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T04:16:37.767" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1370" CreationDate="2017-08-05T04:30:25.920" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you read the tooltip on the &quot;add a comment&quot; link. I think it best explains the intended use for comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Use comments to ask for more information or suggest improvements. Avoid answering questions in comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way you say, &quot;this is a great answer&quot;, on SE is to upvote it. Also, if you asked the question, you mark the best answer as accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOTE: even if your answer is not accepted, that doesn't mean that your answer isn't useful. Future readers may come to that question and find your answer more helpful than the accepted one because it better fits their situation, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2583" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T04:30:25.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1385" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1363" CreationDate="2017-08-05T04:43:12.307" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it really depends on the person. People mispronounce my last name all the time. It doesn't bother me at all so I don't correct them but if they ask, I will tell them. I know others of varying ages, especially those from outside the US (Indian, Hispanic, etc.), that have their names mispronounced (butchered in some cases) regularly and it doesn't bother them either. I don't know why Mitchell didn't correct you or if it bothered him or not. The only way to really know is to ask him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this particular case, the next time I saw Mitchell I would just say something like, &quot;I recently realized I've been calling you Michael instead of Mitchell all this time. I apologize. Please correct me if I call you by the wrong name again.&quot; I would add some mild joke, if appropriate, like, &quot;I prefer to call people by &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; given name instead of one I gave them... laugh.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2583" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T04:43:12.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1319" CreationDate="2017-08-05T04:55:23.373" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would just go to him and say something like...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The other day you asked me to go camping and I said Yes before really thinking it through. I really don't like camping but wouldn't mind getting together with you some other time like grabbing some dinner, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, be honest. Don't pretend like something else came up, etc. Before going to him, come up with some activities you would actually be willing to do with him (and maybe others). Don't get yourself into the same situation by volunteering to do another activity on the spot only to regret it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you and he haven't clicked, suggest inviting some other work friends that you do click with and that he knows, e.g. don't invite your best friend and make him the third wheel. Take some time to get to know him better outside of work. You may find that you have similar undiscovered interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2583" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T04:55:23.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1363" CreationDate="2017-08-05T05:36:10.837" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My name starts with N V Z and A. I always prefer Z (my family calls me by that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In each of the eight schools I've attended, the names I'm stuck with are different: A, Z, NV, NVZ, AZ, etc. If it's a name that's already caught on, then I will just keep it as it is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's somebody that I'm meeting for the first time, maybe I will introduce myself saying, &quot;I'm N V Z A, but you can call me Z&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's someone like you, older than me, who called me by another name instead of Z, I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Although, I'd appreciate it if you call me by Z next time we meet. And I wouldn't want an apology, because I consider this a very normal sort of confusion I expect from people regarding my name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you had used some other name completely outside of the four options, I would not mind that as well. A lot of people pronounce Z as S in my name. It's fine too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T05:49:49.553" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T05:49:49.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1363" CreationDate="2017-08-05T05:51:38.767" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you asked how it felt to be on the other side, I thought I'd give you the point of view of someone who's been in this position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm support staff for a bunch of scientists at a major state university. The person who did my job before me had a similar name to me. I have never met her (she was gone for a year before I started) but one of the scientists has pretty consistently called me &quot;Chris&quot; (her name was Christine). Not &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt;, I think. He knows that it's not my name, so it's not quite the same situation... perhaps it is worse. I'm probably 10 years his junior and, while I don't work for him directly, I see him on a daily basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, he does it on his way home. &quot;Have a good weekend, Chris&quot;. Most of the time he doesn't address me by name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first I assumed that &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; was misunderstanding him. That lasted the first couple of times. Eventually... after several months... it became clear that he probably just hadn't assimilated that he was saying the wrong name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today I corrected him. He was standing and talking near my desk with our project manager and I was occasionally joining in the conversation. They both started heading out. He said &quot;Have a good weekend, Chris&quot; and I said, simply and without any sort of inflection, &quot;Catherine&quot;. He stopped, did a double take and finally realized what he'd done... and probably had been doing for a while... and apologized. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that was it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that this PA didn't correct you (to me) says something but it doesn't mean you can use it to understand how he felt. All you can really know is that, in your interactions, he wasn't interested in correcting you but you can't know whether it is because he doesn't care or simply didn't want to make you uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am pretty non-confrontational. I would rather sidestep an argument than cause one... and this isn't even the sort of thing that would cause an &lt;em&gt;argument&lt;/em&gt;... If I had been calling someone the wrong name for months I would have been &lt;em&gt;mortified&lt;/em&gt;, so confronting him, to me, meant that I'd embarrass him.  I was happier, for  a time, to assume that I was hearing wrong than that he was calling me someone else's name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everyone is like me. I'm very particular about my name. This is generally due to the fact I have a name that gets spelled about 50 different ways and it's rare that anyone gets it &quot;right&quot;. So, even despite this, I didn't say anything. Some people don't care or they just assume it's better to leave a good impression than to speak up and cause them to lose face somehow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to answer your question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This question is really: would correcting me have seemed like a big deal to him, or was this mistake of mine so minor that he didn't think it worth mentioning?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no way to know. Probably a little bit of both. If he's trying to make a good impression because you might hire him full time or he can use you as a reference, it may be better for him to let his boss do what she did. Correct you in a passive way by asking &quot;How did Mitchell do?&quot; It's completely possible that he texted your lawyer after he left and said &quot;It went great but he called me Michael the entire time&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DC is a scary place with some very influential people. I lived there for a year before I decided it wasn't for me. You never know who you're going to be working with when you're there or how they're going to react - or overreact to things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can you do in the future? Get their name in writing. If you can't pronounce it, ask. If you see Mitchell again, tell him that you misheard his name and encourage him to speak up in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In closing, all I can say is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Call me anything you want as long as it's not &quot;Late for dinner&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T02:17:54.117" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T02:17:54.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1389" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-05T08:44:50.963" Score="22" ViewCount="2006" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am doing an internship in Tokyo and share my flat with two Chinese women. They speak only Chinese and Japanese, I speak only English and some other European languages, and my Japanese is not sufficient for everyday conversation yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We did some small talk using Google Translate, but I don't know how to interact with them on a daily basis. They come from work quite late in the evening and cook and eat together, and I feel really awkward, because I don't know if I should join them and if they consider me rude if I do so, or if they consider me rude if I just stay in my room. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They asked me if I wanted to share their food once and I declined because I had already eaten, but now I wonder if that was rude, too. I spend way too much time worrying about that and I would enjoy my time in Tokyo much more if I wouldn't feel so awkward in my flat all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does anyone have an idea how to navigate this situation?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2592" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T09:27:33.890" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T02:37:41.610" Title="How to share a flat with people who don't speak any language I know?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;japan&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1389" CreationDate="2017-08-05T11:05:06.037" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're willing to, show interest in their culture.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I faced this a few times. At 1st lunch/dinner time opportunity, I usually &quot;share and compare&quot;: I show a vegetable, and say the word in my language. Then, in their language, with an interrogative tone in my voice. The person will be glad to say it with the proper accent, and won't feel rude because &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; asked. In order to do that, either I search for the name before, or use my very little knowledge of the foreign language. More often, people like to help, and like the ones showing interest in knowing their own culture. And many cultures share/understands the meaning of body language and &quot;hands talking&quot; for eating, speaking, reading... We usually ended laughing together because of our mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Read about their culture, the very basics: what to do or not, and when.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be nice, smile, respect them, apologize if needed when in a confusing or awkward situation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's more or less the basics, and no more needed to start/have a good relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I learned, from the very beginning, how to say&lt;/em&gt;: &lt;strong&gt;is this ok to you/your culture when doing this?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You then can try and explain how and why you do that in your culture. But I don't know if you can't do that so early when dealing with a new language.&#xA;Explaining without judging is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't be annoyed by the lack of knowledge, as it's both sides.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TIP&lt;/strong&gt;: use a blackboard, split it into columns and rows. Then, use it to communicate and learn: ie. Draw a dinner plate, the scheduled time, and the word in your language, then, your mates 1. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Know when you'll be eating&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Write the word in their own language. Repeat for the basics, like sleeping, being home, studying, working, shower... Share. Learn.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T02:37:41.610" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T02:37:41.610" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1350" CreationDate="2017-08-05T13:32:20.833" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would treat this like traveling to a foreign country where you don't know the language.  Take those 2 weeks &amp;amp; learn the basics, such as references to eating, bathrooms, etc (any phrases or questions likely to be repeated, so beyond food &amp;amp; toilets, things like &quot;Are you tired?  Do you want to leave?&quot;) and then plan to use supplemental communication aids like writing &amp;amp; texting.  And for sure you can ask too, as they live in a world FULL of hearing people.  They know how to get by &amp;amp; asking politely will show an effort on your part to be accommodating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T13:32:20.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1393" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1326" CreationDate="2017-08-05T13:59:54.403" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a rule in standup comedy about what to do when the audience is disruptively laughing, stay in the bit, if someone's acting incredulous at part of the story, they're engaged, push on, and maybe repeat the last part just to confirm you're going from the same place. Watch a good comedian do it, after people calm down from laughing, they just keep going with the bit, it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Yeah, we went to this hipster restaurant, and the food was served inside an upside down glass.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Shut up&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;An upside down glass, when you took the glass off, it all fell outwards over the plate into the sauce&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels like a weird way of speaking if you haven't done it before, but it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2595" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T13:59:54.403" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1389" CreationDate="2017-08-05T14:16:48.503" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Great question WatermelonLemon, especially considering the cultural difference present in this question. I am a ethnic Chinese who grew up in the USA. Let me help you shed some light on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I make an assumption here, please don't get mad at me non-shy Chinese friends. Stereotypes do exist, Chinese are generally shy, especially traditionally Chinese women. Great job showing initiative in using Google Translate to communicate. Because of that, they most likely were a little more open to you and it might have contributed to them offering to share their food with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you refusing the food was definitely a mistake. It is not an offense, but it is a signal to them that you backed off. Even if you already had food, you should have said yes, joined them, complimented the food, and suggested a time when you will make dinner for them. This is not a terrible situation though since everything is still new. Simply go on and take the initiative again and offer to make them food or take them out to dinner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically in a new encounter situation, Chinese will usually do a little bit of the tit for tat kind of small favor trading before establishing whether you are friend material. We are usually shy and wish you to make the first move, but sometimes we can makes moves first too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2581" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T19:35:26.410" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T19:35:26.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1163" CreationDate="2017-08-05T15:35:13.797" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The least pushy method is simply to bring it up in conversation as small talk&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Got any plans for the weekend?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Cycling trip, what about you?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Going out for my birthday&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cut this conversation down massively just for the example, but the gist is that you don't have to make a big deal of it, bringing balloons or doughnuts, or bringing it up out of nowhere, just start some small talk and make it your answer to the topic. The aim is to sound natural as if you just thought of mentioning it, otherwise, you can seem eager or childish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2595" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:41:06.373" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:41:06.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1371" CreationDate="2017-08-05T16:07:01.970" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/2581/moonpire00&quot;&gt;@moonpire00&lt;/a&gt;'s &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1376/532&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt;, I think that it would be good to &lt;strong&gt;frame this as a question&lt;/strong&gt;, rather than assuming their consent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, do you mind if I take/read this? It's _______ (valid reason why it is a particularly important message)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretty much everyone will consent, but it gives people a chance to voice their opinion, and shows more respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="532" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T16:07:01.970" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1366" CreationDate="2017-08-05T17:04:10.340" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have the impression that the relationship with the person is deteriorating (As you said, the tone is getting aggressive), the first steps should be always trying to talk 1:1. HDE 226868 already said everything in detail, so there is nothing to add here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Remove thyself from conflict&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked once a question in a SE group and the answers left quite a...not recommendable impression. I asked myself if either my question was really that out of line or if I hit grumpy people this day. So I looked up in META (which is always the first step you should do) and found out several highly-voted questions to the effect &quot;Could we less obnoxious to new people?&quot;. Ok,&#xA;so my decision was not to participate in this particular group. It is really that simple: &lt;em&gt;If you do not feel well in a group, do not participate&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But often the group itself is no trouble, but a single, particular user. And here I must disagree with apaul34208:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;Under no circumstances should you stop participating in a community over interactions with a single user.&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, you should think over to stop participating in a community over interactions with a single user &lt;em&gt;if this single user is a moderator or an influential person&lt;/em&gt;, you have the feeling that &lt;em&gt;the single user has an axe to grind with you&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;you have no support (small rep, newcomer)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, in movies and books the person with pure heart overcomes the evil scheming antagonist with the support of people. But in reality the community is not so interested in quarrels and has neither the time nor the intent to follow the details. So even if you are really, really wronged, it does not guarantee you will get &quot;justice&quot;. Also both people are often quite normal, but each other has a specific quality which the other one fears or despises.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The conflict continues, what now?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But often it is not so easy. You really like the group and you have accumulated some reputation. The other person is not interested in discussion or even flat-out denies that there is a problem, but his/her actions speak otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I witnessed such a clash first-hand in one of my groups. Both people were really, really high on rep (&gt; 10k), both people had people who liked them and both people disliked the other one. Both people gave excellent answers and asked good questions. That is a grave situation because it can rip a group apart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Use chat/meta to announce/solve the situation&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one or the other did not open up by posting his complaints on meta, ask e.g. an impartial moderator in private chat about the situation. Sooner or later people notice the conflict, but often hesitate because they are not interested in the conflict. Then try to find out if the situation cannot be resolved peacefully by inviting them into private chat or, if it was made public (which should be the last resort), to talk each other down. &lt;strong&gt;A participant in a conflict has always the right to say: I do not want this conflict anymore, stop bothering me and I will not bother you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Cease-fire&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately such conflicts have evolved over such a long time that the participants are often unable to let their grudges slide. So the effective solution is that both participants abstain from sniping at each other, no exceptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the particular case both participants were forced to make some holiday. And it was also laid out that they stop their interactions. If still a party violates this cease-fire, at least there is a culprit which will be kicked out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2066" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T17:04:10.340" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1398" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1292" CreationDate="2017-08-05T19:16:52.717" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have same problem, much worse than you however. I stuttered since I was small, and still do. Mostly when I want to say something long and fast, such as explaining something. I have a few ways I have dealt with the situation, they help a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most importantly is to mentally tell your self to slow down. This takes practice and even I fail sometimes. But when I do slow down, I definitely stutter less. (I noticed that if I get interrupted by my speaking partner, I will stutter more because now i am semi fighting him to finish my sentence). So gotta not worry about finishing your piece before he speaks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do breathing exercises, run and swim to enlarge my lungs. Not sure about you but when I stutter it feels like I am out of breath and can't finish that sentence.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk out loud when reading books or internet articles. Did you know the most famous Greek speaker Demosthenes beat his stuttering by chewing pebbles while speaking to the ocean? I am not suggestion you do same, as I haven't tried it either ;) but it demonstrates importance of talk out loud.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Link below:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/amp/s/euroepinomics.wordpress.com/2013/10/22/the-pebbles-of-demosthenes-the-kings-speech-and-the-genetics-of-stuttering/amp/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.google.com/amp/s/euroepinomics.wordpress.com/2013/10/22/the-pebbles-of-demosthenes-the-kings-speech-and-the-genetics-of-stuttering/amp/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2581" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T19:16:52.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1399" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-05T19:41:14.057" Score="17" ViewCount="8379" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't really understand why no one actually initiates conversations with me, they always just seem to talk to someone else near me but not actually me. All of my friends start discussions with my other friends and if I try and say something to them they give me a one-word response and then ignore me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's, I just, I don't really understand why and I really want someone to talk to me more. Am I just really uninteresting? But I doubt that, because people who I don't hang out with have long and interesting discussions with me. Strange, really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why don't my friends talk to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Am I just uninteresting? Is that why they prefer other people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do they only give me short responses?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I'm not stupid, I saw a woman in the past who told me communication techniques like asking them what they're interested in and teaching me about their body language, because I have a condition which makes social situations difficult for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;All males&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;No clashes&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Often hang out with them&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Example, they just say 'yes yes' to what I say and then turn back to the person they were talking to, so it is futile to try and join an ongoing conversation because I'm not listened to, and conversations I start only last as long as there's no one else there. Does this just mean I'm not as important as other people?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This is a general thing and it has gone on for sooo long but I've just been getting upset about it lately so I decided to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I live in England.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Actually, I changed my mind. &lt;strong&gt;Sometimes&lt;/strong&gt; there are females but I don't know these females very well, I haven't talked to them a lot. They don't say anything to me at all. However, there are other girls who I know who talk to me all the time, it's just those ones that don't.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Funnily enough, I'm not actually unpopular or an outcast. In fact, the friend group that I hang out with are, what I can quote from another person, the 'outcasts' of our school year. I know almost everyone and am generally liked.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My friends occasionally say I'm girly because I have hair as long as a girl, they also look down upon me and speak in a patronising way to me occasionally (a lot of people speak that way to me but I get compliments for my hair every day even from strangers, it's just my friends that say I'm a girl for it).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2607" LastEditorUserId="2607" LastEditDate="2017-08-05T20:15:14.270" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T00:24:50.183" Title="Why don't people initiate conversations with me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-08-21T02:25:12.070" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1400" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-05T19:54:57.527" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For questions relating to Belgium's society or culture. Or to specify the geographical region of the questioner to help provide context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T01:02:43.023" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T01:02:43.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1401" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-05T19:54:57.527" Score="0" Body="For questions relating to Belgium's society or culture. Or to specify the geographical region of the questioner to help provide context." OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T01:02:52.980" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T01:02:52.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1399" CreationDate="2017-08-05T21:01:49.733" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the larger the group the less contact you actually have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also when the group has been together for a longer period of time you get 'roles' assigned. One role is lead, they get listened to. Only so many leads in any one group, sometimes only one. Others get 'listener'. Listeners are ignored. Why? People expect listeners to be silent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How does this come about? If you did not grab the initiative at the start, people very fast no longer &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; any remark from you. You are outside the flow, and unless someone lets you in explicitly you are out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to break through this (common) pattern? Very hard to do when the group is larger than, say, three. So almost any group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself rather gave up on patterns like this and started to hang with people equally silent on a one to one basis. Currently I prefer this type of contact mainly because the level of conversation usually is very much more varied, involved, has more depth. One to one contact has more balance, can acquire a rhythm of back and forth and turned out a far better fit for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you want more room to speak, seek smaller groups.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you want a fresh start without already assigned roles, seek new groups to hang with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;An alternative way would be to 'fight' the current 'leads' for speaking time, which you already found to be an uphill struggle.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possible strategies to initiate new contacts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Visit events.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Go to meet-ups for your favourite pastimes and invite agreeable (close-by living) participants to your home to hang. Internet is the obvious resource to find happenings, and shared enthusiasm &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; help breaking the initial ice. It also helps if the pastime avoids mainstream. In my experience mainstream attracts the louder, less actually social people that at least &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; do not mesh well with anyway. Examples: Pokemon, fossil finding, historical re-enactment, (possibly un-age-appropriate) gardening. For me it was horse-riding but even more the arrangements to get there and back.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Volunteer.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Any worthy cause that you see fit. This is a great opportunity to meet &lt;em&gt;nice&lt;/em&gt; people and have a great time as well. Even politics will do in a pinch.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Join a (school based) club.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I joined the school library committee and had a great time. Little came from it in the long run as to friendships but it filled the spare school time with a vengeance. And it got this bookworm into the library where librarians fill their library, yum!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Job.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Anything like being behind a bar or shop counter will put you into contact with many people. It will also make you a person with a function to cultivate, even something as small as letting know when a new item is in. At the very least any new (seasonal/temp/part-time) job will open the door to a new social eco-system of colleagues.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Coach.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Seek an experienced person that knows you and your surroundings, especially your school. Ask &lt;em&gt;and be prepared to listen&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of the above gained me something in terms of human contacts. You will have to find your own way, and see what fits YOU. All I can say is, keep trying, throw out what does not work, and live a little. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Good luck&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T12:56:06.430" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T12:56:06.430" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1399" CreationDate="2017-08-05T21:11:28.140" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like these people are really your &quot;friends&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in the &quot;outcast group&quot; in school as well. The thing about the outcast group is that they are usually comprised of the kids that were rejected by other groups. The individual outcast members may not have an awful lot in common, other than the experience of being ostracized by the other groups, which may lead them to welcome other outcasts to avoid being like the kids that ostracized them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it's nice not be openly rejected, it still sucks to be on the fringe of the group and it sounds like that's where you find yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in a similar position when I first joined my little tribe of misfits. I was the odd kid with the mohawk, who wore the same dirty old camo jacket everyday. People initially responded to me in much the same way that they're responding to you. They made fun of my hair and generally disregarded what I had to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually I clicked with a few individual members of the group, mostly by sharing music and inappropriate jokes, but I think I was mostly just tolerated by the majority of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking back on it, it was nice to have a group, but I haven't seen any of them in years. I know it seems really important to be a part of the group now, but in a few years you'll be in a totally different place in life with totally different people. Yes I know it sucks now, but eventually you'll be off to bigger and better things and all of this will be behind you. Hang in there, it gets better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T21:11:28.140" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1404" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1399" CreationDate="2017-08-05T23:03:52.617" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;because people who I don't hang out with have long and interesting discussions with me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you considered that perhaps these are the people you should be hanging out with?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the school I'm at now, I've really clicked with a few people who are a lot like me. We have great discussions, we hang out whenever we can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some other people I know, and I think are nice, but we just don't talk much. Perhaps our personalities are not quite compatible, or we just aren't quite as interested in hanging out, or whatever - but the point is that I have much more fun in my smaller circle of really good friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be the same situation for you. Right now, you might be in the broader circle, hanging out with your acquaintances - the people you say hello to in the hall and happy birthday to when you notice it's their birthday. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to get in the small circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this being said, another thing is possible. It could be your current circle of friends doesn't realize how you feel, in which case you could just tell them the problem and ask what you're doing, or if you could talk more. Or strike up a conversation with one of the people in your circle as best you can - like, &quot;hey, you want to talk about that game last night?&quot; (overly stereotypical, perhaps - you could also do &quot;hey, how's that book I loaned you?&quot; or &quot;have any tips for the art project?&quot; - there, less stereotyping).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That also might not work, of course. Perhaps you have a really good reputation for listening and people just like talking &lt;em&gt;to&lt;/em&gt; you, not talking &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt; you. Or they could just not tell what they're doing, or they might not be the people you want to hang out with. It's hard to tell exactly what's going on without being there, so &lt;strong&gt;take all of this with a grain of salt.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2128" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T23:03:52.617" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1399" CreationDate="2017-08-05T23:30:43.953" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the sound of it, you are hanging out with the wrong group. It doesn't seem that you are unpopular, only so with the group that you hang out with and want to be friends with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing is that you have long hair that some people consider &quot;girly.&quot; That's not a bad thing, but it means that you won't fit particularly well with &quot;men's men,&quot; guys with crew cuts, are super &quot;macho,&quot; (and in the U.S. would ride motorcycles and maybe carry guns), and are headed for the &quot;military&quot; when they leave school. This view is supported by the fact that there are few women in the group, and only &quot;peripherally.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to do better in &quot;mixed&quot; groups, with a better balance of men and women, and with individual men who may be more &quot;balanced,&quot; or in the American term, &quot;metasexual.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that your group will say, &quot;yes, yes&quot; to you, then ignore you, suggests that you are not saying the right things (for the group). Unless you have a way of breaking their &quot;code,&quot; I suggest hanging out with other people that will react positively to what you say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-05T23:30:43.953" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1399" CreationDate="2017-08-06T04:46:51.917" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;People like talking about things they know and are interested in. Somebody will say &quot;Smith is an awesome hockey player&quot;. This person is welcoming discussion on a general topic; he is facilitating conversation. Do not reply using words such as 'Maybe', 'but' etc. Instead say &quot;He is, Jones is having a good season too&quot;. You are now also facilitating the conversation. If you don't know or are not interested in the same things as this group, find another group. Groups are based on shared interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2614" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T04:46:51.917" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1410" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="127" CreationDate="2017-08-06T06:01:46.083" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;We never know much about anything. Learn the art of general conversation. Be careful about asking questions that display your lack of knowledge or interest. It is OK to fib, say things like &quot;is that the one where he pulls that stunt on the villain&quot;. Every movie has somebody pulling a stunt on somebody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2616" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T06:01:46.083" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1412" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-06T08:45:55.743" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For questions pertaining to people who share accommodation, whether a room or a house, but without necessarily being in &quot;a relationship.&quot;  This can be in a friendship group or as a less personal economic-based cohabitation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T16:13:31.973" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T16:13:31.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1413" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-06T08:45:55.743" Score="0" Body="For questions pertaining to people who share accommodation, whether a room or a house, but without necessarily being in &quot;a relationship.&quot; " OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T00:05:18.433" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T00:05:18.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1354" CreationDate="2017-08-06T13:50:55.013" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually prefer to just stop moving in this situation. The other person usually moves on around me, but sometimes they stop too. If both of you have stopped, simply point or say you will shuffle to the right. This is not as embarrassing as making eye contact or physically touching the other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also something to consider is that while you may feel embarrassed about the stutter step, your opponent will feel embarrassed too. Keep that in mind and it will make the situation feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2581" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T14:14:15.337" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T14:14:15.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1419" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1420" CreationDate="2017-08-06T18:06:43.613" Score="17" ViewCount="973" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many of us have met them, those people in adjoining seats on a train or plane journey that just &quot;have&quot; to make small talk.  It may be because they are afraid of flying, etc.  Or it may be that since you are in close proximity in a confined space, that something needs to be said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The context is of a traveller who you do not know, and will probably only be in contact with for the duration of the journey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But how without seeming rude or standoffish can you let them know you are not interested in chatting with them? I have tried feigning attempting sleep which sometimes works, but is a lot of hassle.  Would it be rude to just say, &quot; I would rather just be quiet now?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-08-06T22:40:55.740" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T19:26:17.500" Title="What is the best way to put off a talkative fellow traveller?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1420" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1419" CreationDate="2017-08-06T18:37:55.437" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would it be rude to just say, &quot; I would rather just be quiet now?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not really rude, but if you want, you can even soften that. Don't let them start to talk, draw the line &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; they even think of bothering you. When travelling, I use those tips:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Excuse yourself from the very beginning, explaining that you'll have to rest/work/read... &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I have to do [ x ], I'll do my best to not bother you.&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Put earplugs and/or read/rest.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Put earphones on (even if you don't listen to music/news/course...) and do &quot;like if&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Put earphones on and watch a movie or play on your phone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If possible, put a small book about buddhism on the tray in front of you, and remain silent: people will think you repeat mantra and will hesitate to talk to you. (A friend of mine spends one hour each day doing this, not moving, or talking, when on his train, going to work).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Buy an old device for hearing-impaired person and put it on one ear (*).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1&lt;/strong&gt;. don't say that &lt;em&gt;you'd rather just be quiet&lt;/em&gt; but that &lt;strong&gt;you need to be quiet&lt;/strong&gt; (and show them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2&lt;/strong&gt;. make the 1st move, don't give them a chance, and keep yourself &quot;busy&quot; or &quot;kind of&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(*) this one came to my mind because my mom has &lt;em&gt;huge&lt;/em&gt; problems with her ears, wears a device, and never gets people talking to her while on a plane, in a supermarket, a waiting-room...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;: @HDE-226868 made me understand I didn't make myself clear, so, for the record, I keep it below, with a &lt;em&gt;big flag&lt;/em&gt; : I saw someone doing this, and I neither would do it, nor I support it. I did not put the different tips on a value-scale, I should have...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they talk to you, answer with ASL (need to learn ONE sentence before though). Tricky (but I noticed someone doing this, once), in case someone sees you and asks for help with ASL.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T19:39:15.717" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T19:39:15.717" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1421" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1399" CreationDate="2017-08-06T19:31:58.603" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion and experience, the reason why you are in this situation is that you are not treating yourself as you should, i.e. be &quot;convinced&quot; about yourself. That means that you are not &quot;strict enough&quot; with people who patronise you - you have to show a reaction and let them feel that you are upset or you consider them likewise as &quot;assh..&quot;. Then they will stop this behaviour. Look for some professional who can give you better advice. However, I would not know whom to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2636" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T19:31:58.603" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1422" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16" CreationDate="2017-08-06T19:39:54.150" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Beyond the tone and expression sarcasm can often be identified by context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally when people say very positive things about very negative situations they're being sarcastic. As in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love it when my car breaks down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for dumping all your tedious work on me, I really appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes tone and expression aren't enough to identify sarcasm, because some people have a very flat delivery style which can be used to accentuate the comedic value of the statement. Some comics play this deadpan angle to great effect, think &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/jSwzYB545hY&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Tig Notaro&lt;/a&gt;, or &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/Z9ciHpT4WuM&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Stephen Wright&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T19:56:00.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1399" CreationDate="2017-08-06T20:32:03.173" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It might be the hair.  Check out John Walters's story: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.radiolab.org/story/122613-mirror-mirror/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.radiolab.org/story/122613-mirror-mirror/&lt;/a&gt; (starting a bit after 9:22).  At about your age, with similar circumstances, simply changing the side his hair was parted on made a huge difference in his social life and the way people treated him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know some people (male and female) who have strong gender stereotypes and experience negative visceral reactions when they see men who are dressed or acting in an effeminate or &quot;weak&quot; way which violates the stereotype.  I've even heard this from some people who are very highly educated and very actively working to reduce or remove barriers between people, promoting openness and tolerance, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, it sounds shallow and closed-minded, but maybe the people you're hanging out with are shallow and closed-minded.  &lt;em&gt;Who you are&lt;/em&gt; is more important than how you look.  Some people know that already.  Others haven't figured it out, and if they can't get past &lt;em&gt;how you look&lt;/em&gt; to even be &lt;em&gt;able&lt;/em&gt;  to learn more about &lt;em&gt;who you are&lt;/em&gt;, they're not likely to learn soon.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping your long hair may or may not be important to you: how much of your self-identity do you want it to be?  You could keep it and find new people to hang out with - which may or may not be feasible depending on your circumstances - or you could think seriously about how emotionally attached you really are to the long hair and think about whether you might want to try changing your style with a haircut.  I'm not saying you necessarily &lt;strong&gt;should&lt;/strong&gt; do that, but if keeping the current style is just a default and you think that keeping it that way might be holding you back in other areas of social development that you care more about at present, you could try a change in appearance that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; help you out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastEditorUserId="2637" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T00:24:50.183" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T00:24:50.183" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1399" CreationDate="2017-08-06T21:05:13.903" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;People are very egocentric, they love to talk about &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; stuff. However, everybody is interesting enough to talk to the first time. That would explain why you seem to have long interesting conversations with new people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd be willing to bet, not knowing you, that maybe you have a tendency to turn a conversation into &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; thing, or have a tendency to cut into a conversation 'uninvited'?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about it man. You'll have your turn too, or just make your turn. Doesn't sound like they're really 'shunning' you, per se, so just hang in there. People are stupid sometimes. We all are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2640" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T21:05:13.903" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1425" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-06T22:17:03.610" Score="8" ViewCount="1961" Body="&lt;p&gt;In our team of several software developers we have two leaders: me (official title: &quot;Team Leader&quot; - recently nominated, technical) and another guy (official tite: &quot;Scrum Master&quot; - this is the case for a few months already, non-technical) - let's call him Frank. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frank and I have totally different visions of how the team should work in areas such as cooperation with customer, procedures, communication within the team, etc. I find Frank's attitude highly destructive for the team (it might be that he feels the same about my actions :-) ). Eg. he overcomplicates the procedures without any justification (I asked for it and got none) and then sends the mail to the whole team claiming that it was agreed (while what happened really was that we were arguing in front of the team). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar thing happened when I tried to do some procedures improvement: I consulted client (who was in favour), consulted Frank (who was in favour) and one other developer (who was also in favour). But then Frank changed his mind, blocked my idea and the customer later said to me that he doesn't understand the situation because the proposed change was good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the question is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I handle these situations to get desired result (Frank does not get into my way)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Should I talk to our project manager as kind of superior for the two of us (seems obvious, but I doubt if effective)? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or should I ignore his actions in some areas and try to improve situation in other areas? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or should I continue building a relationship with customer representative and then mount a common cause against Frank (based on real problem to solve)? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or should I take any other approach?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some background about the setup: our team of developers is employed by an outsourcing IT corporation and working for another corporation. Some cultural differences might be involved as customer is from Germany, me from Poland and rest of the team (including Frank, our boss and developers) from Belarus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2641" LastEditorUserId="2641" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T20:25:51.447" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T15:30:52.747" Title="How to handle dysfunctional behaviour in workplace" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;leadership&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-10T13:24:50.297" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1426" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1429" CreationDate="2017-08-06T22:39:58.463" Score="20" ViewCount="2447" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an Asian background, and I live in Australia. My husband is European, and at family gatherings, his family members tend to greet me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which makes me uncomfortable, but I have learned is customary in some European cultures. I don't kiss them on the cheek in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to describe why it makes me uncomfortable, but my parents and siblings never used physical signs of affection growing up, so part if it is that it's something I'm not used to. I also think kissing is something for people you are &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; affectionate towards, and while I like my extended family, I don't feel that they are in that category.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried simply standing back and greeting them with a wave, but they will always come close and do the hug+kiss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way to explain that this makes me uncomfortable without insulting them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be similar to the question &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/573/how-to-avoid-having-to-kiss-my-mother-on-the-cheek-without-offending-her&quot;&gt;How to avoid having to kiss my mother on the cheek without offending her&lt;/a&gt;&quot;, but in my case, it's not my blood relatives, and it's mostly the extended family that do it (my mother-in-law and father-in-law have picked up that it makes me uncomfortable). I see these relatives maybe once a year at most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-03-14T19:35:09.047" LastActivityDate="2019-03-14T19:35:09.047" Title="How do I explain to family members that I don't like to be greeted with a kiss?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;physical-contact&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1425" CreationDate="2017-08-06T22:54:47.687" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Without any context about company culture and Franks motivation, a rather defensive but hopefully bloodless strategy would be to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;disengage&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Working with the product manager and through Frank himself, draw your line in the sand: Itemize responsibilities. His and yours. Make sure everything has a paper trail so you can fall back on this delineation when the unavoidable 'confusion' pops up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Business case would be to avoid duplication of effort; do it once and keep to agreed upon lines. All noses in one direction, synergy, whatever wording works to get your view in place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once everyone involved knows what's what your team will come to you for everything process wise that you 'own' and Frank is left to stew in his own little patch of the wood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you are present at meetings and in the team workplace to stay available and aware of every false move that Frank now makes, and come down heavily on him every time he steps out of line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as soon as damage occurs, escalate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-08-06T22:54:47.687" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1425" CreationDate="2017-08-07T00:51:10.097" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a young working professional who has been in this kind of situation before. I think there are a few things that stand out here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Based on your description, it appears Frank is fighting you for real leadership position. You have 2 choices, let him win or fight him for it. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For example if you think he is a decent, capable guy and you care more about finishing the project, you might consider letting him win (but first talk to him and let him know directly or indirectly your sacrifice). You could also indirectly let your superior know, this shows real maturity for you and in the long run, you have won.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand if he is a real jerk and incapable. for the health of the project, you need to win and finish this project successfully. This involves talking to Frank a few times to lay out ground rules and areas of responsibilities. If this doesn't work, bring it up to the boss and focus on your fear that this project won't be finished rather than how bad frank is.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your info about frank changing a customer agreed order is alarming. You should be careful here, approach your boss and ask whether this was something your boss or the higher ups approved. If it is, it means frank is on their good side and you are possibly not. If your boss did not approve, it means frank seriously overstepped and this can be used to get the boss on your side. Next time you approach frank you will have more leverage to negotiate.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck! We need it in the corporate world :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2581" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T00:51:10.097" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1426" CreationDate="2017-08-07T01:00:06.680" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am Chinese, and I dislike this practice as well. I don't know if this will work for you, but I sometimes hold out my hand for a handshake, this has 2 effects: It creates a barrier and extends a common method of greeting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will be honest it doesn't always work, but it is better than nothing and has worked for me sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2581" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T05:06:04.003" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T05:06:04.003" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1432" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-07T06:13:32.687" Score="-1" ViewCount="680" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am at a crowded food court, food stalls all have a 20 minutes queue, and not a single seat is available. Eating outside of the food court is not an easy option either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then there is this 4 people table with nothing but a small bag put at the middle of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can only suppose that a person or group of persons has put it to &quot;reserve&quot; the table before going to the food stalls. I don't know how long ago they put it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am just one person, so I could eat on the corner of the table without touching the bag, and possibly be finished before they even come back. I could also simply wait for a seat to become free, which should take no more than 10 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Question 1: In this situation, is such &quot;reservation&quot; an acceptable behavior?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Question 2: What would you do in my case?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(For other countries please see &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/479/reserved-seats-at-crowded-foodcourt&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;Reserved&amp;quot; seats at crowded foodcourt?&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T17:49:19.547" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T17:49:19.547" Title="“Reserved” seats at crowded food court? (Japan)" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;japan&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;reserved-seats&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2017-08-08T10:53:00.417" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1433" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1426" CreationDate="2017-08-07T06:29:47.933" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;they tend to greet me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek [...] I don't kiss them on the cheek in return. [...] My mother-in-law and father-in-law have picked up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And they keep doing that. That means they like you, and may not understand what it means to you. They see that you behave differently by not hugging/kissing back. They don't feel hurt, but want to show you how much they care about you being part of the (extended) family. Nice, but clumsy...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, if they like you, they'll most probably understand your point of view and culture. &lt;strong&gt;As long as they know about it, which doesn't seem to be the actual case&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My advice&lt;/strong&gt;: talk to your husband and his parents. Open your heart and share your thoughts and feelings. Explain about your culture and family background. Maybe they can, before you come in for the next gathering, and in a very unformal manner, nicely inform them about what it means to you, and how uncomfortable you feel about hugs-and-kisses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T06:29:47.933" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1435" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8826" CreationDate="2017-08-07T07:58:05.200" Score="9" ViewCount="958" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often when I'm working on the computer or watching TV, my wife says something to me and I have no clue what she said.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember being a kid and repeating &quot;Dad&quot; 30 times before I got his attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like I'm working backwards because I worked so hard in high school to block out distractions and focus on my work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I improve on this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2424" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T03:17:12.567" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T13:24:49.443" Title="Not hearing my wife when I'm distracted" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1435" CreationDate="2017-08-07T08:57:14.593" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You will have to work with your wife to 'fix' this.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually as you already noticed, this is not a problem but collateral damage of a strong suit that you have: &lt;strong&gt;Great ability to focus!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In interaction with others there are two steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get the attention of the other you want to receive your message.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Send the message.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For many many people the two steps are so close&amp;amp;intertwined you hardly or not at all see the difference between the two. After the message is sent, it is received, understood, possibly bounced back to check that understanding is complete. Basic communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it all comes down around your ears when step 1. is &lt;em&gt;not there&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you will have to explain to your wife about step 1. If she wants to communicate with you, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;first get your attention&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Repeating your name more than once would be awkward, yes? So you can agree upon a smooth, unobtrusive way to do it, possibly just a hand on your arm. Something that works for both of you. Something you can equally smooth and unobtrusive acknowledge so real communication can start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once this little 1-2 is in place there should never be any hitch again.&#xA;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T08:57:14.593" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="479" CreationDate="2017-08-07T09:25:02.403" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reserving seats in a place with high and fast throughput is rude because it works &lt;em&gt;against&lt;/em&gt; the concept of the restaurant. So keep in mind that the seat reservers are being rude, &lt;em&gt;not you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An easy way out is treating the bag, since it's a single one, as lost luggage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sit down and eat your meal.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take the lost luggage to the counter to report it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should you be interrupted between 1 and 2 by the owner of the bag, hand them their luggage after verifying that it's indeed theirs, for instance by checking that the bag indeed contains what they say it does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts the onus on them to admit that they sought to reserve the seats, to which you can answer &quot;how rude&quot; if you want to drive that point home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they become rude and insist on you vacating the seats, get the staff involved. The whole concept of a fast-food restaurant is fast throughput, which &quot;reserving&quot; seats works against since it prevents other customers from eating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T09:25:02.403" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1432" CreationDate="2017-08-07T09:25:27.623" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reserving seats in a place with high and fast throughput is rude because it works &lt;em&gt;against&lt;/em&gt; the concept of the restaurant. So keep in mind that the seat reservers are being rude, &lt;em&gt;not you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An easy way out is treating the bag, since it's a single one, as lost luggage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sit down and eat your meal.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take the lost luggage to the counter to report it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should you be interrupted between 1 and 2 by the owner of the bag, hand them their luggage after verifying that it's indeed theirs, for instance by checking that the bag indeed contains what they say it does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts the onus on them to admit that they sought to reserve the seats, to which you can answer &quot;how rude&quot; if you want to drive that point home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they become rude and insist on you vacating the seats, get the staff involved. The whole concept of a fast-food restaurant is fast throughput, which &quot;reserving&quot; seats works against since it prevents other customers from eating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T09:25:27.623" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1432" CreationDate="2017-08-07T10:36:31.617" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;On &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.kyoto-u.com/lounge/discuss/html/200304/03040047.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this Kyoto University thread&lt;/a&gt;, someone describes what they do in such cases:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;４人で席取りしてた奴らの机に「席取り禁止」の三角ポストを４つ置いてやったことはある。&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My translation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On a table where 4 seats were &quot;reserved&quot;, I placed 4 triangle signs saying &quot;Seat reservation forbidden&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such signs can apparently be found in some places:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/55dH4.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/55dH4.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Seat reservation forbidden 席取り禁止&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;More humorous suggestions on this thread tell the asker to steal the bag (noting that unfortunately it probably won't contain any wallet), or throwing it through the window.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastEditorUserId="2183" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T11:39:08.970" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T11:39:08.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1441" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1435" CreationDate="2017-08-07T11:13:21.087" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would not say that this specifically is genetic - I've noticed that some families share this kind of trait but I'm unsure whether to class it as nature over nurture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, it certainly is possible to train yourself out of it to a degree, without losing the ability to focus when you need to. Bear in mind that this is not a fault, and your personal training has not been a waste of time - it's an incredibly useful skill to have and you should not be ashamed of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I support what &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1435/not-hearing-my-wife-when-im-distracted/1436#1436&quot;&gt;Bookeater&lt;/a&gt; suggests and would like to add to this. While the easiest way forward is to introduce a specific trigger or switch to grab your attention, I would say that you can make this better by meeting your wife halfway. Here's a few tips I stand by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Check in&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make a mental note to 'check in' as frequently as you can: while you're busy, try to keep reminding yourself that your wife may require your attention, and check on her periodically. If this is too hard to do initially, you can set an alarm or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this may seem clunky and ineffective, there are two reasons why it's so useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are training yourself to keep her in your mind and constantly keep some of your attention devoted to her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It stops you from getting too absorbed in what you're doing if it is constantly broken up with small interactions. Obviously not a good thing when you're trying to maximise productivity, but useful in a home environment where you need to spread your attention.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Distract yourself&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works to the same end as the second reason for the above. Try and set yourself a small task to complete periodically to draw your attention away from what you're doing, keeping you from getting too absorbed. It might be irritating at first, but in addition to keeping you from getting lost in what you're doing it will teach you to multitask over time. After continuing the routine for some time, you will discover that you are able to effectively split your attention between the two tasks. Now, this doesn't mean that you're not &lt;em&gt;paying attention&lt;/em&gt; to the smaller task, the case should be that you are &lt;em&gt;multitasking&lt;/em&gt;. You should find over time that, while performing the main task, you are subconsciously waiting for the next distraction, and it should apply to more than just the specific task you've assigned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The task that you decide to do is up to you, but it can't be too simple that you can do it without thinking (at least not initially.) A personal favourite was to write out some song lyrics or do a little algebra equation, usually switching between the two. Those should be tricky enough that you have to think about them but not so difficult as to actually take up a lot of your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Separate home and work&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, try to mentally abstract your home life away from your work life. Establish in your mind that work is a place to be devoted to a single task and completely focused, and home is a place to be relaxed and aware of more than one thing going on. This is particularly hard if you work from home, but otherwise useful!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some ways to do this could be to try and mentally connect specific objects around the house to a relaxed attitude. It sounds a bit hokey, but if you glance up at the clock and recall, &quot;Ah yes, I need to divide my attention,&quot; and use that as a cue to think about what is going on around you, you will end up doing it subconsciously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Communicate and take your time&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1435/not-hearing-my-wife-when-im-distracted/1436#1436&quot;&gt;Bookeater&lt;/a&gt; says, you may very well want to discuss this with your wife. I would suggest that you let her know your plans and how you hope to achieve your goal, and constantly get feedback from her about how you are doing. She will be the one mainly noticing the change, so her opinion is absolutely vital. Ask her what she thinks is working and for any of her own suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All these practices may take a while for any change to be noticeable, so keep at it! In the same way that you spent time training yourself to be focused, you will need to spend time moving in the other direction. If you stick to it, though, it will be worth it, I'm sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2457" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T17:31:27.663" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T17:31:27.663" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="775" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:01:01.047" Score="-3" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Self-defence&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, I agree with your assessment of this man as potentially dangerous. Remember that self-defence is an interpersonal skill as well and take some classes; they're usually available at gyms and community centres.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides teaching you self-defence, it also teaches you confidence, which may help as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Imaginary Boyfriend&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But meanwhile, you could try to deflect his attention by referring to an authority he &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; recognise, be it in absentia: your &quot;boyfriend&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do not like being dependent on strange men for my own safety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My best guess is that he recognises authority figures in [men], but sees all women as potential girlfriends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't like being dependent on strange men for your own safety, but how about an imaginary one? Specifically, an imaginary boyfriend? This may also take you off the &quot;girlfriend-market&quot; in his eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Where are you going?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;To my boyfriend.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Where do you live?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;My boyfriend doesn't like you asking that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(Rude greeting)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;My boyfriend wouldn't like you talking to me like that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take care to not set this imaginary boyfriend up as someone who has authority over &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, or he might try to compete with him by trying to exert authority over you as well. Instead, make it clear that your boyfriend has authority over &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt; and wouldn't like his behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T12:22:30.980" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T12:22:30.980" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1443" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3007" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:14:06.343" Score="5" ViewCount="1578" Body="&lt;p&gt;Around 8 months ago I met a friend who has a very similar perception as I have in regards to having autism and Asperger's. Since this friend was multiple years ahead therapy-wise, I learned a lot from that friend about myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I learned was that apparently neurodivergent persons have no real relation to strangers while having a great willingness to give and sacrifice a lot for those close to them. Much more than neurotypicals usually would/can commit to (or sometimes even want to receive).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem here is neurodivergent people can't empathize with neurotypicals and vice versa. So my scope here is as limited as anyone's. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So since this commitment&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; isn't usual, as I know now, I can empirically understand that I never will get back what I want to give. This was the main reason for ALL my relationships failing, as I got so jealous since all the little things I expected as a matter of course, were never returned and I didn't feel wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even as I realized that it was me making our commitments and bonds too strong and not the others making them too loose, it didn't stop the emotional pain, as the awareness of this sadly doesn't change the emotions of promise and the following disappointment. This made me get to a point where I decided with myself not to expect anything from anyone any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been going this way for 3 months now already and this has prevented almost any disappointments in this time frame. But I also realize I'm starting to not care about friends any more. I was a very loquacious person, but I just start getting bored, asking myself &quot;Does it even matter, speaking up now? I won't be understood anyway.&quot; And that's definitely also not where I want to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a neurodivergent person that is committing a lot for their friends and emotionally expecting this to be returned, how can I handle the fact that this commitment won't be returned?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like the answers to be backed up by approaches of others in similar situations or of experiences made with someone in my situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;sub&gt;An example: taking a 30 minute drive in my car just to bring a friend a 1€ snack he mentioned he would like to have, but didn't have the time to go pick one up.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="18715" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T09:20:52.897" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T09:30:56.197" Title="How to arrange neurodivergent vs. neurotypical social needs?" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="12" ClosedDate="2018-12-18T10:07:37.760" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1444" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:27:07.620" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Hungarian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:57:09.913" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:57:09.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1445" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:27:07.620" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Hungary, or the Hungarian culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:23:30.097" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:23:30.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1446" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:27:33.153" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Canadian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:46:49.903" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:46:49.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1447" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:27:33.153" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Canada or Canadian culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:53:52.573" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:53:52.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1448" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:28:01.103" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average French person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:38:37.973" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:38:37.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1449" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:28:01.103" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in France or French culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:40:20.583" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:40:20.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1450" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:28:36.977" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Argentinian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:24:21.060" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:24:21.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1451" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:28:36.977" Score="0" Body="Questions that has a specific focus on people in Argentina or Argentinian culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:53:14.207" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:53:14.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1452" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:29:28.010" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average New Zealander.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:40:57.450" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:40:57.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1453" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:29:28.010" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in New Zealand or New Zealander culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:46:31.550" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:46:31.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1455" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1457" CreationDate="2017-08-07T12:46:58.153" Score="31" ViewCount="15809" Body="&lt;p&gt;Currently I am in a group activity (pen&amp;amp;paper online) we started 2 years ago and which is held weekly. I consider everyone of this group as my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I have had arguments with the leader of this group (game master).&#xA;These issues seem illogical to me and the arguments tended to be with prejudice.&#xA;I realized I did not have any fun at all and it was more like a weekly duty.&#xA;I started speaking with the other group members and about half of them were not happy too. One enlightened me and told me our leader is a emotional person which I didn't realize. That gave me more insight and helped dealing with conflicts. I tried to talk about the points that bothered me, tried to figure out the right moment. But I realized how careful I have to be with every word I say because it could upset our group leader. And since nothing has really improved for about 3 months it is time for me to say goodbye.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&#xA;I want to leave the group permanently. But I don't want to burn any bridges. How can I do that?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I leave it is clear that it is because of our group leader. He will ask me why I want to leave. But any of my arguments would possible insult him so what do I say?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To make it even more complicated since I will not stop this group activity but just change the group. And since I will use the same platform the group leader will see I just changed the group. So I cannot say I am not interested in this activity either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to stay friends with the group leader since I appreciate him as a person. But that seems very hard for now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 08.08.2017&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I talked to him today&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was shocked that I wanted to leave. He understood there is no point for me to stay when I am not having fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But he wondered why I didn't speak to him before leaving. He didn't notice that I tried to speak with him on some points. But there was no ground for discussion, he was the gm and just said how it will be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He told me that if there are not too much players in the group I am welcome to come back when I am ok with his playstyle. Some feelings were hurt like many of you already knew. But it does not look to bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for all the feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2653" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T07:45:13.120" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T17:50:06.223" Title="How to permanently leave a group activity without insulting a friend" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;activities&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1456" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1458" CreationDate="2017-08-07T14:18:44.140" Score="56" ViewCount="18676" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am uncomfortable interacting with babies because I personally don't find them cute or interesting to interact with. I also am not good at faking positive interactions with babies, because I really just don't know how to act with them. I'm not good at making the 'baby voice' or making silly faces. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that perhaps I should get better at interacting with babies, but I personally feel like this is not something I should &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to deal with when I am at work (since I do not work as a babysitter). But co-workers often bring a baby to work out of necessity (which I understand), and it sparks this immediate change in everyone's behavior: people stop what they are doing to gush over the baby, to take turns holding it and interacting with it, and telling the parent how cute it is. All of this seems like it is socially &lt;em&gt;important&lt;/em&gt; because literally, everyone does it except me. And I think the parent can sense my discomfort, because I have had the awkward experience of the parent taking the baby around the room to be held by everyone, and just skipping past me without saying anything. Part of me was relieved because I didn't have to interact with the baby, but part of me felt embarrassed and alienated because everyone else was approached. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't feel like participating in any of this, and even if I wanted to, I think I would appear very awkward if I attempted interacting with the baby. But at the same time, I feel as if I am being rude by ignoring the baby, and I feel like something is wrong with me because I am not excited to see the baby. I also feel like people judge me and think maybe I am not very nice because I wasn't interested in the baby. I don't want my co-workers to think I am a weird baby-hater. Does anyone have tips on how to respond when a baby shows up at work, and I am not a baby person? Do I just need to try harder to interact with the parent and baby, or is there a way to back out of these interactions that won't make me seem rude or weird?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS I kind of understand how my coworkers feel when a baby shows up because I DO feel that way if a dog shows up. I will stop whatever I am doing to play with the dog, and I am always happy when a dog shows up at work. I just don't feel that way about babies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T04:36:10.763" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T19:10:39.530" Title="How to act when people bring a baby to work?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1455" CreationDate="2017-08-07T14:43:11.223" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;It might be impossible for you to leave the group without hurting his feelings, at least temporarily. If you leave, you are choosing a different group over his, and that would hurt anyone's feelings. However, hurting someone's feelings doesn't mean that you have to 'burn a bridge'. People get their feelings hurt all the time, and they can get over it. Something that would help this process is if you simply send him a personal message along the lines of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to let you know that I am going to try a new group for a while. I just need a change of scenery, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way and I really hope we can still be friends! I hope we can do ~insert other activity you both like~ again sometime soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he asks questions about why you are leaving, focus on something positive/different about the group you are transferring to rather than focusing on negative things about the group you are leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, my advice is to be honest! You can keep harsh criticisms to yourself in order to avoid offending him, which isn't 'dishonest', it is just tactful. It sounds like you genuinely value his friendship, so focus on what you value about the friendship, and just be honest about the fact that you want to try a different group for your game. Friends need to be honest with each other, and if he can't handle that, then you may need to reevaluate the depth of the friendship and whether it is really worth the effort to preserve it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T21:55:01.063" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T21:55:01.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-07T14:49:03.283" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems that you have a very (re)productive company!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not at all obligated to have interactions with a colleagues progeny in such a manner as you describe. There are also many new parents that would baulk at the idea of passing around their newborn amidst numerous parties. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is usually courteous to join the group, smile and say something like &quot;Aaw she's beautiful&quot;, keep your hands behind your back if you do not want to hold the infant and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you compared it to bringing a dog to work, there may be colleagues who are allergic or afraid of dogs, so you would not expect them to join in a petting group. As such, people that know that you are uncomfortable around babies should not expect you to be as enthusiastic as those that adore them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably the easiest method is when someone else is holding the baby, speak to the parent, smile and congratulate them for a lovely baby (even if you do not think so) and return to your workstation. The parent will appreciate your attention to them as well! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2660" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T15:15:56.200" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T15:15:56.200" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1459" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1399" CreationDate="2017-08-07T15:08:53.523" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before I get into all of this, I want to make one thing &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; clear: at the end of the day, if you don't like the things your friends talk about, sitting back and listening isn't a bad thing. It's normal. &lt;strong&gt;Being quiet is not something to be ashamed of.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Group situations are very different from one-on-one situations. The dynamic you have with each individual doesn't show up in group situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To help create a visualize this, let's make a model. Group conversations will (generally) have different roles within them; a ring-leader, a supporter, a guide, and the audience. Not everyone will have the same role every time, and sometimes one person can have multiple roles. Personally, I find that good group conversations will have a rotation of roles among each in the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;ring-leader&lt;/strong&gt; is the primary speaker. They tell stories, provide information, and deliver punch lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;supporter&lt;/strong&gt; reinforces the ring-leader. They are often the first to react to the ring-leader, reinforce a point, or interact with the story being told.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;guide&lt;/strong&gt; steers the conversation. They will lead the ring-leader (or choose the next) into another subject*.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;audience&lt;/strong&gt; is just that: the audience. Not everyone will be a participant in the converstaion; 5-7 people can't simultaneously speak and not create a chaotic environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you're the audience a majority of the time. Try and be a &lt;strong&gt;supporter&lt;/strong&gt;: build up the person who is speaking. Prod them for more information, be the first to laugh at a joke, and add details to stories the ring-leader may have left out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Too Long, Didn't Read&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being quiet is ok, but if you want to interact more try building up whoever is talking and practice engaging in conversations you may not be interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="95" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T15:08:53.523" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-07T15:23:39.027" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Purely from personal experience as someone who has suffered for a long time with this, I will give a little insight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, this is not personal, she's not doing it to YOU, and she's not doing it on purpose. Don't see this as immaturity (&quot;only children behave like this&quot;), or an affront to you (&quot;if she loved me she would remember&quot;). What you will probably find is your partner &lt;strong&gt;really wants&lt;/strong&gt; to be dependable however something prevents it from happening. She knows that being undependable appears to be childish, but she can't fix it, no matter how hard she tries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From experience this is really hard to come to terms with, especially when her partner (you) keep reminding her to do it, that probably makes her feel feels like a child which pushes further into &quot;immature&quot; territory. Then the attitude comes around to &quot;if they will treat me like a child, I'll act that way&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how do you fix this? Unfortunately &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; can't! At least not on your own. Some things that are working for me (after years of counseling, both solo and couples with my wife)...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Emotional sign on: If I can't emotionally commit to it, I won't say I'll do it. In this case it's important that you don't respond with anger or disappointment as she will then agree to make the conflict go away.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Routines: A normal day follows a normal routine, as does a normal week. Taking the trash to the curb happens on a Tuesday morning, before work, every week. If the routine is disturbed it's likely to get forgotten, unless I make it impossible to forget (in this example if I think I'll forget, I put the trashcan behind my car so it's in the way)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lists: have her record what she agrees to do. Once it's recorded, the job of remembering is easy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reminders: have her use technology to remind her to do something. My Monday morning schedule is always full of things like &quot;Call bank&quot; or &quot;Book vacation&quot; from the weekend. Use snooze if the reminder is a bad time, but don't cancel the reminder until it's done.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ADHD meds: this was far away the biggest help for me, but she (like I was) might be reluctant to get the test or help needed. There are strong feelings around this, but ultimately I am very glad (as is my wife) I followed this course.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recommending any of these will be hard, you must find a time where she is not already defensive (like you've just discovered something was forgotten) as she will simply shut down. Remember she has (probably) been dealing with this for a long time, maybe even a lifetime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can imagine I am reluctant to personally identify with this post, but I will check back and can provide some specific stuff if you are interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2664" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T17:41:39.550" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T17:41:39.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-07T15:28:38.113" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, you're not a baby person, and that's totally OK. It doesn't make you a bad person in any way. I wasn't a baby person and I'm still not really into babies unless I'm related to them closely (like mines or my nephew/niece).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, you don't need to do baby faces or try to make them laugh or even have to carry them. If somebody ask you to, simply turn down saying you're not a baby person. It shouldn't be awkward, you don't feel comfortable with them and babies tend to feel that when forced upon strangers who doesn't like it. Don't ignore the baby's presence as it's rude and simply acknowledge that he/she's cute and move to the next thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's of any help, you can still interact with them. Babies should be talked to like normal person (it's in fact very important for their speech abilities to develop correctly that they'd be spoken to correctly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in the case that you'd be given a baby to care for without further discussion, just keep your calm. Babies like to be cozy, dry, not too hot, not too cool. If it's start to cry don't panic, just keep it tightly pressed against you, rock it slowly and wait a bit. And if you ever feel like losing it, just find a mom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2129" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T15:59:39.033" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T15:59:39.033" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-07T15:53:44.973" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It can be insensitivity on the part of the parent to expect everyone to coo over their babies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For all they know, you may have lost a sibling / child of your own and being near a newborn brings back very unhappy memories. Or it may be that you are just not used holding babies and have a fear of dropping them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever the reason, do not feel obligated to suppress your real feelings just to please the parents. You could always excuse yourself by saying you have a deadline to meet; after all, you are paid to be at work to do work, not to cuddle babies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2669" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T16:00:31.690" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T16:00:31.690" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-07T16:12:14.177" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just had a rather interesting idea for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply treat the baby as if it were any other human being that your co-worker brought to work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Hello, John/Suzie/Star-Lord, pleased to make your acquaintance.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can shake their tiny hand, if that feels natural to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If said with a smile, then it's unlikely to offend anyone, and even if everyone is into the &quot;goo goo gah gah&quot; talk, maybe they'll find your alternative approach amusing. At the very least, you will appear capable of interacting with the children of your coworkers, and you won't look as stand-offish. Worst case scenario is that you'll be known as the weirdo that talks to babies like they're grown ups, but I don't think I've met anyone who thinks that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2308" LastEditorUserId="2308" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T19:34:04.627" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T19:34:04.627" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1443" CreationDate="2017-08-07T16:18:37.237" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I haven't diagnosed by neurodivergent or something, but when I get really close to someone, I dedicated my time to help them, to the point even my parents say why I bother myself that much for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar to your story, but for different reason, I believe, I became apathetic of social activities. My closest friend didn't spend as much time with me anymore, and I kinda just give it up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The interesting part is it turns out I'm the one who didn't ask for anything, even when he wanted to help me. He found that this is not healthy, and does not wish to bother me for trivial matter like he used to, even if I happily will do it for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people like this who want to reciprocate your sacrifice, first, give opportunity to them to&quot; pay&quot; for what you've done. They may feel bad for not being able to repay your help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, learn to assert a boundary. Define what things are fine to ask between you and them. If both of you want delivering a $1 chip to the other city as normal, then go for it. However, you must remember that they (and most everyone else) may not feel comfortable to do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are the kind of person that are not able to reciprocate your sacrifice (or don't want to), then limit on what you can and will do for them to reasonable level. You still have things to do and don't need to sacrifice that for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't stop being a nice person just because they can't commit like you do. I think people like you is the definition of true friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, please be aware of emotional dependence trap. Your world does not revolve around those people, and you should not neglect your duties and well-being just for them. Do it if you indeed have spare time and resources. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T16:18:37.237" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1455" CreationDate="2017-08-07T16:46:27.740" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;For reference, I’m one of the higher-reputation users at the &lt;a href=&quot;https://rpg.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;RPG Stack Exchange&lt;/a&gt;, so I hopefully have some relevant domain experience to offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the things we often tell people in your position there is that “no gaming is better than bad gaming.” Knowing when and how to walk away is important. Different people want different things from a game; any group game is thus a compromise between the things each want from it. Compromise, by definition, leaves both sides less than fully happy—and is only possible when everyone shares at least enough in common that the resulting game is still enjoyable if not perfect. When that isn’t possible (either because the overlap doesn’t exist, or because of social situations that prevent negotiating that compromise), it’s time to walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is how I would frame it: that you are leaving the group because the game isn’t working for you. I have several very-close gamer friends that I still choose not to game with, because what we each want from the game is just too different. There is nothing wrong with their preferences, or with mine, but they just don’t fit together in the same game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So something like this is what I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey all. I’m afraid that for whatever reason, this game isn’t quite working for me. I don’t feel invested in my character or the plot, and it’s starting to feel like a chore to play. I don’t think it’s fair that the game should change for my sake, and I don’t think it’s really fair to all of you to have someone being dragged along either. So I think it’s best if I just retire my character, and find other ways to hang out with you all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emphasize that you are not trying to disrupt the game. Offer to play out your character leaving in a way that allows the game to continue running smoothly, without leaving a big plot hole shaped like your character. Don’t bring up any other game—you are leaving because &lt;em&gt;this game&lt;/em&gt; isn’t working for you, not because of some other game. Worse, bringing up another game may imply to some of the group that you are trying to “steal” players from this game for a new one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also emphasize that this is not a problem you have with them, personally. That you still consider them friends, still want to hang out with them, just not in this particular venue. Hopefully you can thus avoid anyone taking it personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for playing in another game, that’s really irrelevant to this game. You didn’t say that these games are &lt;em&gt;in general&lt;/em&gt; not working for you; you just said this particular one isn’t. Finding another game and playing in that shouldn’t really surprise people, given that. Which brings me to one other important point: while bringing up this other game you’re joining may be interpreted as an attempt to nab more players for that one, you also shouldn’t lie about it. If they ask if you’re still interested in gaming, say yes; if they ask about any other games you’re looking at or interested in looking for, you could mention the one you have found. By not bringing it up yourself, you avoid potentially looking like you were advertising it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference, I had a similar experience myself recently—but the second game I found was actually with mostly the same people. It was mostly a coincidence of timing, but the first game just was not working for me, for a variety of reasons—the reasons didn’t really matter. But the second game was avoiding some of those problems, and the contrast was rather striking. I said something quite like what I wrote in the quote box above to the group, and we played out a little scene where my character decided to part ways with the group. And then a couple days later, I played with pretty much the same group of people in the second game. No hard feelings—these things happen. Sometimes things just don’t really “click” and that’s fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2667" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T16:46:27.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1443" CreationDate="2017-08-07T16:48:04.173" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have a couple different things going on here...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly it sounds like you're struggling with feeling like you put more into your relationships than you get out of them. This is a pretty common problem people face, whether they're on the spectrum or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience relationships shouldn't really be transactional. Keeping score almost always leads people who put a lot into their relationships to feel put out at some point. If you enjoy doing things for the people you care about, do it because you care about them, not because you expect something in return. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also remember that you decide how much to give. If you're giving so much that you feel like the relationship is one sided, slow down a little bit. You don't have to go above and beyond in every situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly it sounds like you're having a hard time relating to neurotypical people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The problem here is neurodivergent people can't empathize with Neuro-typicals and vice versa. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found this bit a little troubling, because I'm on the spectrum too, and I usually don't have problems empathizing. It may take a little more effort on my part to recognize and understand what people are feeling in a given situation, but I'm usually able to empathize with most people, neurotypical or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful making these kind of generalizations. It may seem that way to you at the moment, but you may overcome that hurdle. Also keep in mind that if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. We're still individuals with a wide range of interests, abilities, strengths, and weaknesses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I've seen conscious empathy is a skill that can be picked up with time and practice. The more things you experience personally, the more things you'll be able to empathize with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T16:48:04.173" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1467" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1476" CreationDate="2017-08-07T17:38:15.787" Score="17" ViewCount="5997" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I saw a related question on &lt;a href=&quot;https://parenting.stackexchange.com/questions/7393/should-you-let-a-toddler-win&quot;&gt;Parenting&lt;/a&gt;, but this one is different, since it's a) about older children and b) not your own child.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: This is based on the experience of a friend - I will call him Bob. However, I was present and it got me thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A social event with many activities for people of all ages. Chess was among them, staffed with good, amateur club players like Bob (no Bobby, though). A family strolled by and asked if their son could play. For sure, Bob was willing. Please note, that he neither knew the child, nor the family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The child was between 5 and 7 years old. Also, the child was interested in chess, but not a &lt;em&gt;wunderkind&lt;/em&gt; (beginner level, not yet fully acquainted with the rules of the game), so it became a rather one-sided affair. The parents were not present, and came back later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do you best approach such a game?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal:&lt;/strong&gt; The game shall be a good experience for the child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This especially from the perspective of someone, who is not good at interacting with smaller children (a bit reminiscent of bit reminiscent of that &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1456/how-to-act-when-people-bring-a-baby-to-work&quot;&gt;question&lt;/a&gt;). And when the game in question hardly involves luck. The question is not restricted to chess, you may also think of Go or something else, hence the generic question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bob's approach:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It was just one game. After repeating some of the important rules, Bob tried to neither let the child win, nor did to give his best. When the child seemed to get bored, he wrapped up the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T23:26:07.787" Title="How to approach a strategy game against a 5-10 year old child you don't know?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-07T18:57:46.803" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it is perfectly OK to simply greet the baby as you would any other person, in a normal voice simply saying &quot;Hello&quot;. When introduced just smile and say &quot;Hello&quot;. There should be no expectation to goo and gah or make silly faces.If your workplace does push you to interact with co-workers babies in a way you are not comfortable with, that is a different problem. As long as interacting with babies is not a defined aspect of your job, you shouldn't have anything to worry about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2675" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T18:57:46.803" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-07T19:02:40.207" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had a similar experience. A co-worker was showing pictures of her kid being potty-trained. I get that this is a big deal in a child's life, but I still don't want to see pictures of any human on a toilet. I reacted badly, and it was clear my co-worker wasn't happy...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of whether or not this is appropriate, I would recommend to &lt;strong&gt;make sure you tell them how cute / adorable their kid is&lt;/strong&gt;. Irregardless of how you really feel, this will just make things smoother. Use similar language to your co-workers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's OK if you don't gush as much as them. You co-worker will probably realize you're not that into the baby, but also appreciate your compliments. &lt;strong&gt;Not saying anything might be considered offensive or stand-offish&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to pick your battles. A quick &quot;What a cute baby!&quot; is easier than months of being considered an avoidant person, in my opinion. Remember, like you said, this is just how people are. It's a cultural norm, essentially, so you might as well involve yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;//www.wikihow.com/Smile&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practice smiling&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;. It's a good skill to have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorUserId="16" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T19:52:48.750" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T19:52:48.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1399" CreationDate="2017-08-07T19:54:02.503" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two things I wanted to add, in addition to the other great responses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I doubt it's your hair.&lt;/strong&gt; It's easy to blame your appearance, but frankly, small things like hair length don't affect the way people interact with you socially. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you treat someone differently if they had long hair? &#xA;What about if they were actually very feminine (more than you perceive&#xA;yourself to be)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know lots of people who have very different looks&#xA;from the norm and do well socially.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is something I post a lot on here. &lt;strong&gt;Responding literally is often boring&lt;/strong&gt; Say something unexpected, whatever it may be. If they give you a one-word response say &quot;Wow, you're quite talkative today!&quot;. &quot;I guess you're clearly a big fan of *subject X*&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T19:54:02.503" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1467" CreationDate="2017-08-07T20:11:59.847" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the age of the child is important. At age 10, I would play reasonably well but not at cutthroat level. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The child is likely to be mostly interested in playing and the interaction, and possibly learning how to play better, rather that win/lose that is important to adults.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interact with the child, and if the child makes an obvious mistake, use it as a teaching experience if the child is open to that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-07T20:20:25.027" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T20:20:25.027" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1467" CreationDate="2017-08-07T20:13:00.070" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Use it as a learning experience, especially if you have time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kids at that age are funny. Some of them are in the &quot;I want to do things myself&quot; stage and some are in the &quot;help me get better stage&quot;. This method works for both but you have to change how you structure it a bit depending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a few options but mostly it results in not &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; playing a game - whether they're aware of the fact or not depends on which method you choose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was in middle school, a little older than this, I attended a weekly chess meet up and learned a lot from the adult players there. Rather than simply trouncing me week after week, one of the adults took me under their wing and the way we played was slow because we would talk through our moves. If I made a move that he thought was interesting, he'd ask me why I chose to make that move, requiring me to explain my thinking and where I was going... and sometimes the answer he got was &quot;I didn't know what else to do&quot;. Usually, at that point, it devolves into strategy planning and thinking ahead. Sometimes he would show me alternate moves that would have been better or point out a pitfall I'd missed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you beat them easily, work backwards from the end of the game. Set the final pieces back up and talk through an alternate strategy that might have lead to winning the game, or lasting more moves. It's helpful if you track moves on a sheet of paper so that you can recreate them if needed, too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The subtler way of playing, which works as a learning experience with kids in the &quot;I want to do things myself&quot; phase is to not play to win, instead playing to test their skill. You may have heard this in books... young knight has been training for months and finally gets the chance to challenge the best knight in the realm, in a sparring session. Usually, the session starts out with the master putting the young knight through their paces. They intentionally leave holes in their defenses to see if they take the bait and how they respond. The young knight often thinks they're winning until, in the end, the Champion stops testing and trounces them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in the game example, if you're expert enough to do something similar for them, do so. Test them and see how they react. Subtly guide them without telling them what to do. If they ask for help, offer it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-08-07T20:13:00.070" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1467" CreationDate="2017-08-07T20:46:29.840" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The important part is not that the opponent is a kid, the important part is that they're likely to be inexperienced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal of this social event is likely for all participants to have a good time. Bob is one of the staffers, so he has been tasked with making the attendants have a good time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the kid just wants to &quot;push sticks around&quot;, as my grandfather used to call it, they'll get bored no matter what, so there's no way to make the kid have a good time, except by letting them play with the pieces.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Once the kid gets bored, there's an opportunity to teach them chess. If they're not interested in that, there's nothing else to do except waiting for the parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But should the kid want to play, and let's assume that is the case, Bob should play as he would against any inexperienced player, and adjust his playing level according to the perceived level of his opponent. Warn his opponent of really bad moves and let them take the move back. Explain. Think out loud. Ask his opponent why they make a specific move. Go through the options together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To keep the game interesting for Bob himself, he could try out some unconventional moves and see where they lead. An experienced player would punish those, but an inexperienced player may not know how, so this is an opportunity for Bob to explore a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T09:19:10.497" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T09:19:10.497" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1467" CreationDate="2017-08-07T20:48:41.543" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;In these situations, I ask a lot of questions and run through scenarios. I'm not playing to win, I'm playing to set up the shape of the game in the child's head. I keep it friendly and semi-cooperative and most of all take time over their moves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;can you see which moves you can make?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, talk them through it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's talk through a few of your options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if you were to move this piece then it would stop me doing this but force me to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what are you thinking of doing? Let's work out what might happen&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then after a small discussion, at most a couple of options for a five-year-old. Maybe three for a 10-year-old. Let them take a move of their choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You then move your next piece to set up the next discussion. Hopefully, you get them into familiar scenarios within the game that they can think through. So basically you play both sides of the board to give them practice in how to think whilst doing your best to make them feel like they are choosing the moves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've done this kind of thing a lot with my own kids as well as kids of friends. It's usually hive that we play but I've now met a 9-year-old who can beat me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T20:31:36.890" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T20:31:36.890" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1478" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-08T00:41:39.390" Score="0" ViewCount="1012" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in multiple situations where I feel like my age (early teens) or my height didn't really serve me well, whether in how the other person spoke with me (by which I mean attitude/tone), whether they followed up with me, or whether they actually listened to what I was saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to be mature in such conversations, and I dress respectably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can you tell in such situations if it really is you (you're not acting maturely enough, or looking put together enough, etc)?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When it &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; you, how can you get adults to take one seriously?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2128" LastEditorUserId="2128" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T20:35:16.810" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T20:35:16.810" Title="I'm younger - how can I get adults to take me seriously?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;maturity&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2017-08-08T13:26:59.553" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1478" CreationDate="2017-08-08T01:26:46.360" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I doubt there's a one size fits all answer here, but I would guess that being consistent helps. As in being consistently mature around said adults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one day you're mature and the next day you're not, adults will tend to error on the side of caution and treat you like a kid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that there isn't really much you can do. People vary pretty widely, some adults are better at dealing with younger people than others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would caution you on wanting to grow up too fast though... I remember being an angsty teen, all I wanted was to be an adult, or at least be treated like one. Now I am an adult and I realize that it isn't as great as I thought it would be. People still tell me what to do, I still have to follow rules that don't make sense, and on top of that I have to go to work and pay bills... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enjoy being a kid while it lasts. Adults are still crappy to other adults, sometimes much more so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T01:26:46.360" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1480" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-08T04:19:37.763" Score="21" ViewCount="2829" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know my dart playing habits are a little odd... I usually hit my local bar alone, on an off night, grab a pint and head straight back to the dartboard in the back corner where I'm least likely to be disturbed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Throwing darts tends to be something of a meditative thing for me. I zone out and aim for the bullseye exclusively and I've gotten pretty good at it over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately on occasion this draws unwanted attention. Drunk attention. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When approached I usually tell people that I'm &quot;just practicing&quot; which puts most people off, and they leave me be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is that I really enjoy playing a game of cricket on occasion, but most people really aren't serious players. Even worse, the average bar patron is usually a little too confident in their ability... They talk a good game, but then they throw like they're pitching baseballs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's a good/polite way to separate real players from enthusiastic drunks when approached at the dartboard?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T15:48:09.090" Title="When playing darts, how can I separate real players from random drunks?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;drunken-people&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-08T08:26:49.337" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I answer this as I stare into my baby monitor, thinking about how we're planning on bringing my little one to work in 2 days for a few minutes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are uncomfortable around babies, I would not be offended if you didn't take part. To be blunt, I probably didn't bring the baby to see you anyway. If I've taken the effort to bring my baby in to work, it's likely for a couple of people in the office in particular. It is a LOT of work to get a baby out the door! And trust me, once we get the little one into the office and people start gathering around, inside our heads we're likely thinking &quot;Ok, how do I make a socially acceptable exit from this madness? And quickly?!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I honestly don't think any parent would be offended if you kept your distance. And if you're worried about offending them, just start sneezing and wiping your nose. We'll keep a good 10 feet away from you! LOL!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2700" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T08:26:49.337" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1425" CreationDate="2017-08-08T10:49:10.077" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could &quot;solve&quot; this on an interpersonal level, but it seems you have been set up to clash with this person because your organization has not decided on it's processes yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your job is &lt;em&gt;Team Lead&lt;/em&gt;. His job is &lt;em&gt;Scrum Master&lt;/em&gt;. You have a &lt;em&gt;project manager&lt;/em&gt; and no mention of a &lt;em&gt;product owner&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now your company needs to decide if this is supposed to be &lt;strong&gt;Scrum, or not&lt;/strong&gt;. Half your team is trying to &lt;em&gt;sail&lt;/em&gt; the ship and half of it is trying to &lt;em&gt;row&lt;/em&gt; it. The fact that sailors and rowers clash is not due to any interpersonal problems. It's the total confusion of who should do what on this ship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will need to go to your boss and ask him what his plan for your organization &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt;. Is it Scrum? Then what is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; role in it, there is no team lead in Scrum.And who is the PO? Is it not Scrum but something else? Then the job of Scrum Master does not exist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot solve this between the two of you. &lt;em&gt;Neither&lt;/em&gt; of you should be willing to say &quot;oh, ok, I'll just not do my designated job then&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid this actually &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a question for &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;the workplace&lt;/a&gt; because you cannot solve it with interpersonal skills alone. No amount of interaction with the Scrum Master will clear up what your actual process should look like. You need to find that out. The smart way will be to figure it out &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt; the Scrum Master, not against or unbeknownst to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a talk with your Scrum Master. Tell him you are unsure what his and your &lt;em&gt;exact&lt;/em&gt; responsibilities are. Invite him to that meeting with your boss to clear that up, so he does not feel like you are doing this behind his back. Don't leave your bosses office until you know whether you are doing Scrum or not and what your role in it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2706" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T10:49:10.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1478" CreationDate="2017-08-08T12:26:07.387" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a teenager, I have had a more recent experience of being a kid...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my culture, children must not take part in adults discussions, as it shows them as acting too grown up at their age, like a prematurely-ripened fruit. In fact, I tried to go against this rule, but over time I realised that the adults listened to me a lot more when I talked less, and spoke only important things to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your question on how to tell if it's really you who's acting childish, your close friends are generally the best judge, as they know you pretty well. But as a rule of thumb, always put your hands behind your back, and speak at an audible volume that's not too loud, but not too soft either, remaining polite at all times. Keep in mind that adults generally trust no one's decision except their own, and knowing that, be persuasive, not aggressive in your tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, when you are a hundred and ten percent sure that it really isn't you acting funny, but an adult is still not taking you seriously, tell them what you came to say once again, with a slight firmness, and see if they're convinced. If they're still not taking you seriously, and the matter is truly serious, possibly take it to a higher authority. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried to answer in a way which would help 'kids' in general, it would still be important to know where you are from, as people from the respective place could give you better insight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T12:26:07.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-08T13:27:56.650" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's totally OK not to make cooing noises or silly faces or whatever. Just remember two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The parent is probably bringing the baby to office due to either lack of babysitting issues or, if the coworker is female, because the baby needs to eat. So understand and try to be empathetic of their needs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another poster said that it was a choice. It might be, but the choice might be have a family and keep their job. So, the lesser of the evils.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Babies are people and all people deserve respect. But respect doesn't mean that you have to play games.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I became much better with babies once I had my own (and when I see a dog in the office I am afraid of getting bitten). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You totally don't need to play with the baby. Just try to be respectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2710" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T13:27:56.650" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1455" CreationDate="2017-08-08T13:46:19.137" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be straightforward and diplomatic, &lt;em&gt;but recognize that sometimes you can't avoid hurting someone's feelings.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is good manners to try to avoid hurting people's feelings when you can reasonably do so. However, sometimes people will be hurt when you need to express a boundary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, the right thing to do is &lt;em&gt;to be as kind as you can, while still making a point that may hurt the other person.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You shouldn't be a hostage by refusing to express boundaries that will hurt someone's feelings!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2712" LastEditorUserId="2712" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T17:21:22.443" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T17:21:22.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1489" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1495" CreationDate="2017-08-08T13:49:21.493" Score="48" ViewCount="10687" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is someone that dropped out of college but still visits our friend group about once a month who tries to be funny by making intentionally hurtful comments to 2 or 3 different people in the group of 10 to 15. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usual comments are like &quot;wow you have really gotten fat&quot;, &quot;you're useless and should go kill yourself&quot; and the like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is about half of my friends think he is funny. I currently just call him out when he makes a hurtful comment about someone (that isn't me) and just laugh it off when he makes a hurtful comment about me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this the right approach to get him to make less of those comments? If not what would be a better approach? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bonus Points&lt;/strong&gt; if you can explain to me why otherwise good people think he is funny in the first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be helpful to think of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast because that is who a lot of people compare him to and I can see the resemblance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T15:39:55.737" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T21:40:30.567" Title="How do I deal with someone people think is funny, but I think is mean?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-08T13:49:46.850" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why do you feel like you are obligated to make baby faces or say silly stuff? If you are not into babies don't interact with them. I don't understand what the big deal is. I used to not care for one and I have two now. I love mine to pieces but I am not the one to go goo goo gaga over every baby that I see. It's not that I don't like them. Sometime I just don't feel like doing it. When I bring baby to somewhere I don't expect everyone to go head over hills with my baby. I appreciate nice comments but if someone doesn't say a thing that's fine. I don't really care. I am there to take care of business and I'd rather get that done and leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2713" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T13:49:46.850" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1495" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1489" CreationDate="2017-08-08T15:09:21.583" Score="41" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this the right approach to get him to make less of those comments?&#xA;  If not what would be a better approach?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, I would caution that it is extremely difficult to get a person who makes mean comments to make less of those comments when he is getting positive reinforcement from people around him. I see three major approaches to getting him to make less of those comments, and none of them are guaranteed (or perhaps even likely) to work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could approach him one-on-one and explain why his comments are hurtful. If he is an empathetic person, this may cause him to change his behavior. However, given that he has been making hurtful comments in the first place, there is a good chance that he lacks to ability or willingness to empathize with those he is hurting, in which case you won't be able to influence him by appealing to empathy. This approach could also have the side effect of making him more aggressive towards you, since you would be expressing disapproval towards him. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could shame him in front of the group for his mean comments by calling him out in a way that is embarrassing for him. This would be fighting fire with fire, and in my experience this can work with aggressive types who only respond to what they perceive as 'strength'. But to do this, you have to be willing to have an altercation, and you shouldn't do that unless you are both very confident in ability to handle that confrontation and trust that people in the group will be on your side. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could approach others in the group and discuss your concerns. If they share your concerns, this could motivate them to join you in calling him out and shutting him down when he makes mean comments. Sometimes people are reluctant to stand up to someone simply because they aren't sure if others will back them up and they don't want to attract the meanness towards themselves. But if they know that they aren't alone, they will be more willing to stand up to him. If he starts to feel that the group is not approving of his comments, that may be enough to change his behavior. Of course, it is possible that others really do not share your concerns, and they might dismiss you by saying things like &quot;he's just kidding&quot; or &quot;you need to learn how to take a joke&quot;. In that case, you are on your own. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of these options seem promising (and it is hard to tell without having a nuanced feel for the personalities and social dynamics involved), then it could be that you simply need to accept the fact that this guy makes mean comments, and that your friends find it funny. If you can't accept that, then you need to find new friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bonus Points if you can explain to me why otherwise good people think&#xA;  he is funny in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on the examples you provided, his mean comments are not witty or clever, they are just plain aggressive. Since you describe your friends as &quot;otherwise good people&quot;, I am going to assume that they are not simply mean-spirited types who enjoy seeing someone being hurt, belittled, etc. In that case, I think it is very likely that their laughter is a matter of self protection: they see an aggressive person who likes to throw darts at others for attention, and their first thought is &quot;Gosh I don't want those darts to be thrown at me&quot;, so they respond in a way that lets the bully know &quot;Hey I'm on YOUR side! So don't look at me!&quot;. It is a social survival instinct- keep the bully from attacking you by supporting him when he attacks someone else. Many times, the same people who do this will still feel pangs of empathy for the person who is being attacked, but those pangs aren't enough to override the self-preservation instinct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T15:09:21.583" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1497" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1480" CreationDate="2017-08-08T16:24:12.877" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will answer your question the same way I would answer a girl asking &quot;What is a good/polite way to separate nice guys who want to seriously date me from enthusiastic drunks hitting on me when I go to the bar by myself?&quot; My answer is: &quot;If you want to find a nice guy who wants to seriously date you, then don't go to a bar by yourself.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people go to bars, they are looking to have fun and socialize. They are not expecting to find a guy who is meditatively throwing darts by himself and is only interested in being approached by serious dart players. Of course there is always a small possibility that someone similar to you will happen to be at the same bar and be interested in a game of darts that is up to your standards, but that is unlikely, and I think it would be pretty exhausting to put every person who approaches you through some kind of test and then politely reject 99% of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say that if you feel like having a drink and throwing some darts by yourself, then by all means go to the bar, but you should probably assume that anyone who approaches you is a drunk person looking to have a little fun, and you can efficiently turn them away with your &quot;I'm just practicing&quot; line. If, on the other hand, you really want to play a game with someone who is up to your standards, you would be better off finding that person in advance (wherever serious dart players hang out- maybe somewhere online) and arranging to meet them at the bar. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T16:24:12.877" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1498" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1489" CreationDate="2017-08-08T17:17:33.650" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Dropped out of school&quot; means something to me. I think this person is &quot;insecure&quot; and is trying to cover his insecurity with his former &quot;schoolmates&quot; by making fun of some of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My guess is that his &quot;supporters&quot; are also insecure, about their ability to stay in school, social status, etc. They take &quot;comfort in hearing that someone else is &quot;fat&quot; or otherwise worse off than they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just know these people for what they are and ignore them. There's no way to play their game, unless, perhaps, you are &quot;insecure&quot; yourself, which I don't think is the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T17:17:33.650" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1499" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="210" CreationDate="2017-08-08T17:21:16.080" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to the other answers, just wanted to mention some things...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a few former friends like this. Nothing I said or did would elicit a positive comment or a compliment. After dealing with this sort of thing from almost everything I said and did with them, I eventually decided to stop spending time with them and remove them from social media. These people were not depressed, just negative and selfish. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These friends made me feel bad about myself, and made me not want to be around them. &lt;strong&gt;Does this person make you feel happy? If not, maybe you should keep them out of your life&lt;/strong&gt;. Maybe they're a fun, pleasant person in temperament. Maybe you have a lot in common and enjoy spending time with them in spite of their negativity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they need support and have depression, they might appreciate a friendly shoulder. Whatever the source of the negativity, &lt;strong&gt;you can't change a person's mindset on your own&lt;/strong&gt;. You can support them as a friend, but ultimately you might have to walk away if it's causing you problems in your own life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some articles that support my claims : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201303/dealing-negative-people&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Psych Today : Dealing with negative people.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2311523/Can-CATCH-depression-Being-surrounded-gloomy-people-make-prone-illness-say-scientists.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Daily Mail: Depression is contagious&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorDisplayName="user2191" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T14:54:14.403" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T14:54:14.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1489" CreationDate="2017-08-08T17:38:49.403" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of thoughts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Why keep inviting this guy to events (or letting him tag along)? He sounds &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; awful, so I might minimize his toxicity by just not letting him come along whenever possible.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I think your instincts are right on for saying, &quot;Wow...&quot; or &quot;Wow, that's really mean!&quot; or even just giving him a nasty look whenever he says something.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I don't think that &lt;em&gt;you're&lt;/em&gt; the problem so much as are the other &quot;nice people&quot; who are laughing at his jokes. They're encouraging him and letting him know that it's okay to disparage other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that you think these people are genuinely good (not jerks like jerk-face), I'd pull people privately aside and say, &quot;Hey, I noticed that you laughed when jerk-face called nice-girl fat. I thought that was really mean and was wondering if you could not do it next time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully they agree that it was mean. (If not, they're &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; nice people.) And hopefully they agree that next time jerk-face makes a mean comment, he's met with stony silence from everyone. (As well as fewer invites.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I think the main problem is that the &lt;em&gt;group&lt;/em&gt; is allowing this behavior. But if jerk-face is consistently met with stony silence or someone saying, &quot;Wow, that was really mean jerk-face!&quot; every time he says something, he'll soon stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(And if after you've talked to people, they keep doing it, again, they're not nice people and, honestly, I'd recommend new friends.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2288" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T17:38:49.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1502" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-08T18:40:04.613" Score="16" ViewCount="10139" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm hosting an event in a couple of weeks - my son's first birthday party. I have several people who I would like to invite. Unfortunately, some of them don't get along. This seems to be a one-sided disagreement - meaning that Person A doesn't like Family B for some slight that Person A can't get past. I'm not involved in the disagreement and don't completely understand it but my husband and I regularly interact with both Person A and Family B and would like to invite them both to the event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither of these parties are family. They are both friends. Person A was in our wedding and Family B hosted our baby shower for our son, so both are part of our close circle of friends. Person A did not attend the baby shower but that was at Family B's home while this event is at our home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I see a few ways of this turning out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I invite both but don't tell Person A&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Person A may or may not get grumpy at me for not telling them in advance but they are both at the party. Person A may depart early rather than being around Family B.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I invite both and tell Person A.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Person A will likely not come to the party. I would be disappointed in this outcome. Person A may still be grumpy at me for inviting Family B, &quot;preventing them&quot; from coming to the party.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't invite Family B.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I've already given an invite to Person A, so the opposite of this isn't possible. This feels like I'm getting in the middle of the &quot;feud&quot; and picking sides. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how should I handle this? Is there some alternate solution that I'm not seeing here? I don't really feel like I should be even having to deal with this. They are all adults, so perhaps I'm over-thinking things. I trust them all to be gracious at the party and not make a scene, so perhaps option 1 is the best choice... but I feel like full disclosure might be more fair to Person A.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T05:13:24.107" Title="How to invite people to an event who don't get along?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1503" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1489" CreationDate="2017-08-08T18:56:14.500" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer only addresses the &quot;&lt;em&gt;and just laugh it off when he makes a hurtful comment about me&lt;/em&gt;&quot; part, and is a quote from the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Live_by_Night_(film)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Live by Night&lt;/a&gt; 2016 movie starring Ben Affleck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;You can take a joke, right?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Sure, I can take a joke.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;As long as you don't become one, right?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live by this policy and recommend the same to my friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in practice, if the person makes a hurtful &quot;joke&quot; about you, don't laugh it off. Stay serious. Confront it severely if necessary - but without making too big of a case also. This takes practice but renders good results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2724" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T18:56:14.500" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1502" CreationDate="2017-08-08T19:10:37.190" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Option 2 sounds like the safest and most honest way to handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Person A is likely to be uncomfortable, but you still want them to show up, it's probably better if you give them a chance to prepare rather than be surprised by the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just break it to them tactfully and express how important it is to you that they be there. Of course you can't make them show up, or get along with Family B, but you can express that it's important to you and that you're sure everyone is mature enough to temporarily bury the hatchet and play nice for your sake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm often &quot;Person A&quot; at my family's gatherings... Usually my cousin plays your part. I simply don't get along with a lot of her people, but she's usually &lt;em&gt;coercive&lt;/em&gt; enough to get everyone to show up and behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It usually goes something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Cousin: Hey it's SoAndSo's birthday, you're coming right?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: You sure that's a good idea? You know I don't get along with X,Y, and Z.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Cousin: Yes X, Y, and Z will be there, but you'll behave and so will they.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Cousin: You're coming.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Ehh...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Cousin: You know this means a lot to me and I'll kick your butt if you don't show up...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Alright... If I have to...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Cousin: Great! Bring rolls, or beer!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T19:10:37.190" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-08T19:34:14.720" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a parent I am always mildly annoyed at cooing and baby noises. Just saying hello, smiling and waving are great ways to interact with a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most savvy parents don't want their newborns to be excessively handled by others due to injury/illness risks, even if they would like to show them off to coworkers. Just saying congratulations is likely all that is expected, or at least perfectly sufficient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actively trying to ignore the baby and talking about how you &lt;em&gt;shouldn't have to&lt;/em&gt; interact with a baby is going to be seen as a bit off. Again, no need to do anything with the baby which nobody expects you to, but maybe just try to exude less of an annoyed/aloof presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you feel is perhaps not that uncommon, particularly if you have not really interacted with babies very much. I was really awkward with babies until we had one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2103" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T19:34:14.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-08T19:56:30.400" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; I don't like the human variety of baby either.  But I adore baby animals -- puppies, kittens, whatever.  All human babies are preemies by the standards of the rest of the animal kingdom.  As homo evolved, its brain and thus its head grew, but the birth canal did not, so humans had to be born in an earlier stage of development.  Young puppies would be less appealing too, if they were born in a comparable stage of development.  &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.livestrong.com/article/506251-why-are-babies-heads-so-large-in-proportion-to-their-body-sizes/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Source&lt;/a&gt;.  (Warning: this source contains lots of pictures of babies! :))&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;  Unless your obvious lack of interest in babies is affecting your work relationships, you don't have a problem.  Just continue as you have been: tolerating the babies, but not enthusing over them.  Productive people are forgiven one eccentricity.  Be productive and a congenial and helpful colleague, and, as long as you don't protest about the babies (or shudder when you see them) you will be OK.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T22:51:06.070" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T22:51:06.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1502" CreationDate="2017-08-08T19:58:41.060" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I find &quot;A&quot; and &quot;B&quot; a bit impersonal, so I'll call them Alice and Bob.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Invite Them Separately&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Invite Alice at an earlier time than Bob and most of the guests, and tell Alice that Bob will be coming. That way, Alice can plan her visit early and leave before Bob arrives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Rationale&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want to invite them both at the same time and have to play the peacekeeper. And since the animosity is not reciprocated by Bob, it would be unfair to punish Bob for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially with big occasions like your son's first birthday, you'll likely have people arriving at different times, so other guests may not even notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Alternative&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An alternative would be to invite Alice on a separate occasion. Alice is the bad actor here, so she should be the one to adjust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T20:39:45.863" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T20:39:45.863" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1510" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-08T20:36:54.120" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Weddings are a form of &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt;, typically in a set location where 2 people are being married together. Questions with this tag involve situations which happen exclusively at weddings, and where the event being particularly a wedding is of importance to the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the questions is about a general social event, and the wedding itself has no relevance to the question, then this tag should not be used, instead use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T22:08:48.320" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T22:08:48.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1511" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-08T20:36:54.120" Score="0" Body="Questions for which the location is a wedding, or a wedding-based setting." OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-08T20:38:13.647" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T20:38:13.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1502" CreationDate="2017-08-08T21:01:32.427" Score="0" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Be as open as possible.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Surprising A or B with the other's presence &lt;strong&gt;invites&lt;/strong&gt; chaos. The fact is, if these people are truly your friends, they will respect you enough to not cause drama. You should just make it clear that this is your son's birthday party and that it isn't about either of them. If they can't play nice for a couple hours to celebrate with you, it may be time to consider if they are really your friends. That is not to say that they are bad friends if they don't show up. However, if they do both show up to the party, knowing that they will run into each other at some point, and still cause problems, I believe that shows a lack of respect towards you and your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2731" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T21:24:31.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="511" CreationDate="2017-08-08T22:11:22.603" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;For something like a tin-foil pan, plastic take-away container, etc then I would agree with others that it is probably intended to be &lt;strong&gt;recycled&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For other things though such as a re-used ice-cream container or something traditionally recycled instead of reused that is nevertheless a handy item, then I would suggest asking them &quot;hey, I have that ice-cream bucket that contained the __ you sent over. I was wondering if you'd like it back&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I wouldn't &lt;strong&gt;expect&lt;/strong&gt; to get back a container like that after giving it away, but it would be a pleasant surprise as I like to be able to re-use things and I find ice-cream tubs extremely useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastActivityDate="2017-08-08T22:11:22.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1502" CreationDate="2017-08-09T00:32:23.037" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't really feel like I should be even having to deal with this. They are all adults...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is your son's party, not theirs. And you are not a party to their conflict.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say invite them both and don't show any preference. If either can't be civil, then just tell them (in private) their behavior is disrupting the party, and if it doesn't stop there's the door.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think any other interaction will show some favoritism which will not help matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also it might be helpful to have enough activities, food, etc. that might hopefully keep them distracted from their personal problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T00:32:23.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1131" CreationDate="2017-08-09T03:52:29.483" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is literally the reason I grew a beard. Beard stroking is a perfectly silent socially acceptable &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stimming&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;stim.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know growing a beard may not be an option for you personally or for an awful lot people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before I was able to grow a beard, I often played with my hair. Same basic principal applies. In school I wasn't allowed to wear my mohawk up, so I would run my fingers through my hair. If your hair tends to hang in your face it just looks like you're clearing your view and doesn't outwardly look like you're fidgeting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly oral piercings can provide a silent unconventional fidget. I know it's not for everyone, but fiddling with a lip ring or a barbell in the tongue scratches that itch in way that most people wouldn't notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cautionary note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stimming with visually apparent body jewelry freaks people right out. Best to avoid that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the love of whatever you hold dear, don't start smoking... If you're a fidgeter normally it's easy to turn that habit into chain smoking... It's an absolutely awful, expensive habit, that's hard to break. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T04:18:21.450" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T04:18:21.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1519" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1489" CreationDate="2017-08-09T05:01:38.333" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited for actual answer, not a ramble&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think there's only two ways out of this, a confrontation around an event (or set of events), or working out with your friends for ways around this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not the hardest thing to ask &quot;Will  be at the event? You can probably guess I'm not a huge fan of them.&quot; This also gives an opportunity to open up a discussion between you and the organizer about how you feel. It may turn out well, in that others share your opinions, but you've let your opinion be known regardless. &#xA;You could also cut short your appearances when that person is around and leave (could include snark for extra dramatic effect - see ramble below). It would become obvious after a while that both of you don't tend to appear at the same time, but this could also start a rift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ramble&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm reminded of certain public figures and relatives who try to crush your hand in a handshake - there's no point to this, except to show they're a real prick. This person seems like one of those people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPGqfmLMWyo&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Eddie Izzard on &quot;Hand Squeezy Death&quot;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And some people do one of those squeezy handshakes, the small-dick crusher squeezy handshakes, the &lt;strong&gt;compensation&lt;/strong&gt; handshake....they go into this and you don't react. You should react, because they get away with it, if someone starts crushing your hand, go &lt;strong&gt;&quot;ahhhh! fucking hell! You bastard! I hope you die in a car crash!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; Or do the complete opposite, and collapse on the floor - &lt;strong&gt;&quot;You killed him, man. He suffers from Hand Squeezy Death!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My take on this is sarcasm, pure, undiluted sarcasm. The cynical side of me says point out your disgust:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Usual comments are like &quot;wow you have really gotten fat&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Good point, what is it like then to be only able to buy shitty food? How good is nice food! All the chocolate all the time!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;you're useless and should go kill yourself&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;OK, do you want to make the noose while I get the chair? What's your favourite way of assisted suicide?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mind you, this would be a &lt;strong&gt;really, really&lt;/strong&gt; quick way of getting into a fight as well. Also it would be an easy way to split your group and lose friends as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2742" LastEditorUserId="2742" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T05:16:42.600" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T05:16:42.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1521" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1532" CreationDate="2017-08-09T06:03:18.890" Score="26" ViewCount="4400" Body="&lt;p&gt;Forgive me if this sounds stupid, but I'm not familiar with the &quot;First Name&quot; and &quot;Last Name&quot; system, although I know last name means &quot;family name&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Case 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Suppose someone use his &lt;strong&gt;real name&lt;/strong&gt; as an account: &quot;Brad Pitt&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Case 2&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Suppose I know someone's &lt;strong&gt;real name&lt;/strong&gt; by visiting his profile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't know each other, except that we both are members of the community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it okay to address him as &lt;em&gt;Brad&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/strong&gt; Or is it impolite? Or does it not matter at all?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is to refer to the person; &lt;strong&gt;not tagging&lt;/strong&gt; someone in a comment, or a post (not &lt;em&gt;@BradPitt&lt;/em&gt;, but &quot;From Brad's point of view ...&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the sake of this question, the scope is for a forum-like community (StackExchange, Reddit, etc.) and for US-Europe first-last name system (I think Japan's has a different culture).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T10:01:15.837" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T11:38:34.543" Title="How to refer to someone by name in an online community?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1523" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1521" CreationDate="2017-08-09T06:19:37.243" Score="5" Body="&lt;h2&gt;I usually use the full username to refer to a user online.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if I have to mention user &lt;em&gt;Brad Pitt&lt;/em&gt; more than once in a specific situation, I'd use &lt;em&gt;Brad&lt;/em&gt;, after making sure there's minimal chance of getting confused with another &lt;em&gt;Brad&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For online communities like Stack Exchange, you may mention them preferably by their username, or by the first or last name as you see fit. Most users do not disclose their region, culture, religion, gender or even their real names, which makes it difficult to assume whether to use first name or last.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's better if you could ask the user how they'd like to be referred to, to avoid potential misunderstandings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For professional networking sites like LinkedIn, it would be preferable to check out the user profile to learn more and use a more proper way. But even then, I don't think it's a major issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I for one have a name with N V Z A, and in person, I say, &amp;quot;I'm Z&amp;quot;. But it doesn't matter in the online world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T13:38:20.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1521" CreationDate="2017-08-09T06:26:38.613" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This, like many things, will come down to personal preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often users who don't want their real name used or exposed, won't put it out there to begin with. As in, they don't post it on their profile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if/when a user publicly posts that information, it's better to ask than to assume. People often have their given name, and what they like to be called... Better to use what they like to be called.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anonymity is part of the internet, we should at least try to be considerate of people's privacy and wishes when it comes to personal address. If you're unsure and afraid to ask, err on the side of caution and use their screen name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only use someone's given name if you've asked, or if their screen name is their given name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T13:36:03.990" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T13:36:03.990" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1525" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1521" CreationDate="2017-08-09T06:31:36.050" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depends on the fine-grained context of the usage. The more &quot;permanent&quot; the reference is the more I would be inclined to use the full user name. Additionally, the more formal the &quot;forum&quot; is, and the more likely it is that there could be another user with the same, or similar, &quot;first&quot; name, the more you should use the full user name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using Stack Exchange as the example. If it is posted in an answer, and refers to another user's answer, question, or comment, then use the user name in full. If it is in a comment, and refers to a comment in the same thread, then maybe just the &quot;first&quot; name, but the full name is probably better anyway. Any other use in comments is still full user name. If it's used in chat, &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; there is a conversation involving more than two users, and none have a username that is similar, then the &quot;first&quot; name is enough to type. Otherwise, again, default to the full user name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, in our chat rooms, tab completion can make using the full user name easier than the partial first name and sends a ping to the user to know they have been mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line here, is that in almost all cases the full username is better. In addition, the &quot;name&quot; given can look normal and still be totally fake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="27" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T06:43:43.323" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T06:43:43.323" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1527" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1480" CreationDate="2017-08-09T07:55:46.987" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a bar, when you're on your own, you might sometimes attract lonely people who want to socialize, and spend time having fun one way or another. They may spot you as &lt;em&gt;one of them&lt;/em&gt;. You actually found an efficient and easy way out: &quot;&lt;em&gt;I'm just practicing&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to take a chance and find someone to play with, at roughly the same skill level, you'll need to give the man an opportunity. Having that stated:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DISCLAIMER: I know nothing about darts, this is based upon my experience playing pool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to separate real players from enthusiastic drunks?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As you can't tell at first sight, then, run a test on their abilities/skills&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've determined the guy coming to you &lt;em&gt;may not&lt;/em&gt; be drunk (look at the way he walks, then talks, then his eyes/face), &lt;strong&gt;you measure, you weight, you decide&lt;/strong&gt;. The idea is : &lt;em&gt;you're up the scale, we play, you're not, no big deal&lt;/em&gt;. I would say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was about to stop playing and going back to my seat / thoughts / reading (you name it), so please, your turn... [ back up / smile ]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just watch the first 3 throws. If the guy meets your expectations, you can then challenge him, and ask if he wants to share a game with you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Man! you're playing great! I just wanted to rest, but now, I would not run away from a tough opponent. Would you invite me and we share one game?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or just wish him a good training, and go back to your seat...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that you don't own the dartboard, and that you are the one silently seeking for a player, so give both of you a chance, and let the man play :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the man's skills aren't what you expect, and he still challenges you, then I'd just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but I'm kind of tired / bored, no more willing to play at this time. Hope you don't mind ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T09:45:17.717" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T09:45:17.717" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1528" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1502" CreationDate="2017-08-09T07:55:52.063" Score="3" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Invite Both&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already invited &lt;em&gt;Person A&lt;/em&gt;, and retracting that invitation wouldn't be acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Family B&lt;/em&gt; is important to you as well, and not inviting them would be unfair to yourself, and your family. It would also be a slight to them that they don't deserve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Talk to &lt;em&gt;Person A&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Person A&lt;/em&gt; deserves to know that &lt;em&gt;Family B&lt;/em&gt; will be there. To not say something, when you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; know that the feelings exist, does not seem like a good thing for a &amp;quot;friend&amp;quot; to do. However, in talking to &lt;em&gt;Person A&lt;/em&gt; express how you feel, that you're &amp;quot;walking on egg shells&amp;quot; trying to not cause problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In having that discussion, try to keep your statements in the format of explaining how you feel, and what you do first, and the cause of that (their actions) second. Leading with their actions first tends to place them in a defensive mode, and from that stance there is very little hope of compromise or change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain how it feels unfair to you that you have to either choose who to invite, or plan the party so that they're not offended, or worry that they won't come because of someone else at the party. Just because of what some member of &lt;em&gt;Family B&lt;/em&gt; did to &lt;em&gt;Person A&lt;/em&gt; in the past. &lt;em&gt;Person A&lt;/em&gt; was there for the beginning of your family (wedding), so explain that it's important to you that they be there to celebrate another milestone of your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot force change, yet you may be the agent of change. Perhaps, seeing how it affects you, making you nervous and unsure, might cause &lt;em&gt;Person A&lt;/em&gt; to examine their stance relative to &lt;em&gt;Family B&lt;/em&gt;. If so, wonderful. If not, your part is done, and you have been reasonable and fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="27" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T07:55:52.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-09T07:58:33.113" Score="0" Body="&lt;h1&gt;How about talking openly about this?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Openly talking about your feelings should be your number one solution in every situation because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you already know what to say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the root of the problem is brought up to the table: the feelings. Since it's not about the person, there is no need to worry if they feel insulted&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;honesty and empathy invoke honesty and empathy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something goes like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi, I just want to say that although I'm not fond of baby, I don't hate them. In fact, I know how others feel because I do love dogs. I want to talk openly about this because I don't want to feel embarrassed and alienated for this behavior. Please note that this has nothing with you, your child, you bring your child's to the office, and everyone talking with them. I just want both of us have relief, not awkwardness for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="86" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T07:58:33.113" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1521" CreationDate="2017-08-09T10:43:51.510" Score="24" Body="&lt;h1&gt;You should always use their chosen display name in full&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is the name the user &lt;em&gt;chose&lt;/em&gt; to be seen as and spoken to. It's only polite to respect his wishes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is the name all people in the communication know him by. Don't confuse others that might not have as much information as you do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This name is unique by the system. Just imagine you write something to &amp;quot;Brad&amp;quot; (BradPitt123) and 5 minutes later another &amp;quot;Brad&amp;quot; (BradBrad35t, BadBrad or maybe simply Brad) joins. Confusion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cultural influence that is not obvious. While a Bradley might say &amp;quot;call me Brad&amp;quot; and anybody would recognize the short form, as a non-native speaker, it will always be a mystery to me, why a William is Bill and a Richard is Dick. Makes no sense. So again, avoid confusion from knowledge one participant &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; and another has &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The display name is the display name for a reason. It makes communication easier by using unique identifiers all participants understand. So don't water it down. Use it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2706" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T10:48:55.093" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1532" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1521" CreationDate="2017-08-09T14:33:47.000" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are never going to be wrong calling someone by their full username (including punctuation, numbers, and such). There are a few places where it is safe to use less of the name:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the person has a clear &quot;western firstname western lastname&quot; display name, like &quot;Brad Pitt&quot; or &quot;Kate Gregory&quot;. It's typically safe to just use the first name in this context.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the person has a clearly fictional name, such as the name of a character in a book. It's typically safe to use the same nicknaming as the other characters in that book (if you know it)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the person has some numbers at the end, such as Sunshine123. Here you can safely omit the numbers and just call the person Sunshine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the name is a phrase like &quot;Darkness Comes By Midnight&quot; - you can try using just one word (choose carefully) to refer to them, and they may or may not be ok with it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course, the person has told you what to call them. I was in a forum where a person's handle started with Makarios and then, starting with a capital letter, the rest of the handle was the last name I presume. Some people were calling this person Mak and were told: &quot;either Makarios or Meky please.&quot; I don't know the nickname forming rules in that culture, but that's ok, because I was told by the user how to handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're worried there will confusion because there are two Brads or two Kates in the conversation, then just as we use last names (or clarifiers like &quot;Susan's Brad&quot;) in conversation to clear that up, you can use full user names. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some places there are two names. For example, on Twitter my handle is @gregcons, though my display name is Kate Gregory. Same on Slack. Some people call me (and refer to me as) Kate, and some as gregcons. I am ok with either. I notice that when you call someone their display name instead of their handle (here on Stack Exchange we don't have separate display names and handles) it gives the interaction a more personal feel. It suggests the people involved really know each other. That is generally a good thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you happen to know someone's real name, and it is not their display name or handle, I would generally avoid using it. For example, I have met some Stack Exchange people (eg at conferences) but I would not write a comment here calling them by their real name just because I happen to know it. Partly because their real name may be a piece of private information, and partly because the other participants may not know that when I say Steve I mean Darkness Comes By Midnight so they will get confused. (Made up name.) That applies even if the real name is in their profile - it's not immediately shown to people reading the question and answer, so the use of it may leave others confused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T11:38:34.543" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T11:38:34.543" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1250" CreationDate="2017-08-09T14:47:45.167" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do agree with the other answers that this is often considered rude or condescending. However, I have been in many situations when someone is explaining a problem to me like I am a child, which to me feels rude and condescending, as well as a waste of time. If my manager tells me every day how to do my job, and I never speak up to let him know that I can think for myself, then he may start to assume I'm not as smart or useful as I am; this is damaging to my reputation, possibly as much as it would be if I constantly interrupted as you're suggesting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I tend to do when I know the answer before they finish the question is to notify them that I believe I have the answer. Something like &quot;oh, I think I know what it is&quot; or &quot;ah, are you asking about X?&quot;; the idea is that instead of taking control of the conversation by answering, you're notifying the speaker that they now have a choice: either continue talking, or let you talk. Their choice indicates what part of the exchange they value more (the answer, or the explanation), so by giving them the choice you ensure they get what they wanted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plus, since you're not hearing the whole story, there's always a chance you're wrong. Better to provide your summary of the question than your assumption of the answer, if your answer is wrong you'll have to explain what you thought the question was anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="351" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T14:47:45.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1534" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-09T14:48:03.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you feel uncomfortable around babies, the parents detect this discomfort and therefore don't expect you to interact with the baby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, you don't want to interact with babies, and nobody expects you to, so where exactly is the issue?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a parent, I've observed this behaviour in some people, and that's totally fine. The last thing I would want to do is expect someone who doesn't like babies, to feign interest for the sake of appearances. Mind you, this isn't as much out of courtesy to you, but mostly out of respect for my child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing would make me more uncomfortable than a person who dislikes children, to be interacting with my child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in essence, your doing everyone a favour by keeping your distance. You don't need to feel awkward about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Parents are very intuitive when it comes to people around their children. They can see immediately if someone isn't into kids, and will naturally just move on past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just keep looking at your screen (or whatever you might be doing), ignore the slight disruption, and go on with your day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T14:48:03.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1535" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1538" CreationDate="2017-08-09T14:59:09.523" Score="27" ViewCount="9731" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My neighbours have a child who is around 3 to 4 years old. The walls in my house are really thin, we can hear most things. Which is completely normal in an old terraced British house, but he screams uncontrollably for hours every day, some days are better than others but most days he screams throughout early hours of the morning and then again in the afternoon. It's keeping me and my housemates up and disrupting our studies/working at home. It's not that the child is screaming that is why I'm asking (we would have had a word already to let them know it's disrupting), but, it's the way they are approaching it, they just scream at the child to stop which to me rings alarm bells, as I feel if I do approach them they may become aggressive about it (they are obviously stressed also). This is why I've come to you. I'm not an expert on children or anything, but I know what is a normal amount of crying for a child but this &lt;em&gt;really is excessive&lt;/em&gt; - it's been going on for ten months, although it didn't affect us until three months ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've spoke to them a few times as neighbours should, they've asked for sugar and milk and we have done the same, which is normal in our culture. But, I just don't know how to approach it, we don't think the child is being neglected or anything like that, or anything malicious is going on and I know for sure we can't approach them and say &quot;maybe if you stopped screaming at him, he might calm down&quot; because again &lt;em&gt;I'm not an expert&lt;/em&gt;. I just want if applicable a polite way to approach them about it without causing any animosity between us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What we have tried so far&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sleeping downstairs on the sofa away from the child's room (this helps If I have a meeting the next day or something important as we can be guaranteed more sleep but it's not comfortable) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wearing earplugs doesn't work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Moving the bed on the other side of the room doesn't work either. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; Without moving house, We're out of ideas without approaching them, but now I think it's time we need to approach them about it. But I want to be delicate. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach them politely without causing any future animosity? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; I would love for them to be able to not feel like we're judging them or anything as I'm from a family of 5 and having children is &lt;em&gt;really hard&lt;/em&gt;, I just simply want to let them know that that it's disrupting us and in return may trigger them to change their approach in how they handle it, instead of shouting too. No parent is perfect and we're certainly not perfect neighbours either. &lt;/sup&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T01:53:57.633" LastActivityDate="2018-12-24T06:51:07.877" Title="How to politely approach my neighbours about their excessively screaming child?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1536" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1547" CreationDate="2017-08-09T15:01:14.177" Score="24" ViewCount="6994" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a lot of discussion going on about gender identity and gender politics, and I find myself easily confused by the multitude of options for gender pronouns. To solve this, it'd be easier just to ask someone what they'd like to be called, but in most cultures (Mine in the US included), it's rude to ask someone what their gender is. I've gotten responses from (not the people I'd like to ask) from horror to &quot;He's Crazy!&quot;. I've also gotten negative responses from askees as well, and I want to try to avoid this in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This wouldn't usually be an issue when trying to talk to them, just wording phrases to use &quot;them&quot; is a pretty easy work around. It's an issue when I need their preferred gender for filling out forms for them and such. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask someone what their preferred gender pronoun is without offending them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T15:08:22.733" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T15:43:08.233" Title="How can I ask politely about someone's preferred gender pronouns?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1538" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1535" CreationDate="2017-08-09T15:57:02.727" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a very tough one, I feel sorry for you, really...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can't tell people how to raise and take care of their kids, you're walking on eggs. Doing so would only lead into a dead-end and a no-win situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're left with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say nothing (not good, you already tried)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;move (???)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let them know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would use a quite flexible (snaky) approach, &lt;em&gt;without telling them directly&lt;/em&gt;. Next time I'd see them, as neighbours (going out / milk / sugar...), I would just ask about the child:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is [ name of the kid ] OK ? I heard her/him crying so loud and for so long [ yesterday ], hope she/he not sick / hurted her/himself bad. Everything fine with your little loved one now ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you let them know you hear the noise, be it the child or them shouting at him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What to do then, it's hard to tell right now, better wait for their answer and future behaviour before you decide what should be the next step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T15:57:02.727" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1539" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1593" CreationDate="2017-08-09T16:22:37.377" Score="81" ViewCount="19970" Body="&lt;h3&gt;“So… Where are you from?”&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's normal small talk for us, most Indians; and only general whereabouts is expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my tours in India, I've met some foreigners along the way, usually western. I welcome them, offer assistance, and often have small talks, because they're our guests, and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Atithi_Devo_Bhava&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;guests are equivalent to god&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I've noticed that some, if not all, pause for a second when I'm at &amp;quot;so... where are you from?&amp;quot; part of our small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One or two have even felt put off, and responded with &amp;quot;why do you wanna know?&amp;quot;, or &amp;quot;I'm from Earth&amp;quot; said a guy who claimed to be rastafarian (but later mentioned Belgian origins anyway).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I felt upset that my question upset them. Was I rude? I wasn't sure. Asking whereabouts is pretty normal in Indian chit chats, and I was definitely in my best possible mood, tone, and words, and so were they until I asked their whereabouts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it in general a bad question to ask westerners? And is it especially bad when they're touring, say, India? Also, what's a better approach to know where they're from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;em&gt;Westerner&lt;/em&gt;: a native or inhabitant of the west, especially of western Europe or North America. — &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/westerner&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;ODO&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;I'm not a tour guide btw, I'm a fellow tourist in my own country. I normally live and work in the Middle East.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-09T21:01:32.453" Title="Is it rude to ask tourists where they are from?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="22" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1541" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-09T17:10:20.853" Score="86" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it in general a bad question to ask westerners ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some westerners (and people from anywhere) are inclined to be very private, but I've stayed in many hostels and hotels and I can't imagine someone &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; asking me where I'm from (or being surprised when I ask them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's normal smalltalk for tourists (and business travelers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And is it especially bad when they're touring, say, India ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm aware of no special reason why people would be especially put off by this when visiting India.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One or two have even felt put off, and responded with &quot;why do you wanna know?&quot;, or &quot;I'm from Earth&quot; said a guy who claimed to be rastafarian (but later mentioned Belgian origins anyway).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But everyone is different, and if someone reacts this kind of way then just smile and say &quot;Sorry, just making conversation.  If you'd prefer privacy that's OK.&quot; and leave it at that.  People have bad days, people react badly to travel or different food - travel can be difficult sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I ask that question &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; and it's led to many enjoyable conversations.  I can't even imagine traveling and not hearing it said to me and asking it myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T17:10:20.853" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1536" CreationDate="2017-08-09T17:17:34.113" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you are asking for the sake of filling out a form while doing your job, I think it would be perfectly fine to ask everyone with a short, casual disclaimer in the beginning that prevents people who consider themselves &quot;obviously man&quot; or &quot;obviously woman&quot; from being offended:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have to ask this question to everyone: what is your preferred&#xA;  gender? &lt;em&gt;list options&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do this, you might get some funny looks and chuckles from &quot;obviously men&quot; and &quot;obviously women&quot;, and in those cases, you can just make them feel comfortable by smiling or laughing and perhaps repeating, &quot;Hey, I have to ask everyone, you never know!&quot; They will likely think you are just being cheeky and move on. On the other hand, when you ask this question to people who are not &quot;obviously men&quot; or &quot;obviously women&quot;, they will appreciate you immensely for not making assumptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastEditorUserId="2630" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T06:38:04.167" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T06:38:04.167" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1543" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1549" CreationDate="2017-08-09T17:55:00.580" Score="8" ViewCount="3489" Body="&lt;h3&gt;&lt;em&gt;Background&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm an intern at a corporation (3/10 months in), and work directly for the manager of the department (I.T.). I do good work and my boss definitely likes (tolerates) me.. I'm nearing 30 years old, and most everyone else is 40+ years old.. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's one man in particular who also works directly for the manager (maybe 45-48 y.o.), let's call him &quot;John&quot;, and he's been working here for 3-4 years. He's sometimes goofy and loud, slightly temperamental, and seems to like making (lame/forced/just not funny) jokes at inappropriate times (nothing sexual). When this happens I try to read my boss's face/body language, and I can tell he doesn't like it. Other than that though, I suppose John does good work and &quot;gets things done&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The relationship between me and John is as follows: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We work in adjacent cubicles, and interact 2-3 times a day. When we interact it feels a little forced, mostly because I think the guy is obnoxious, and he tries to explain everything all the time, assuming nobody knows anything. I have a very technical background, whereas he doesn't so much, and so, many of our interactions are him explaining something to me that I already know, and me pretending that I'm listening and learning. This is why I say its &quot;forced&quot;, in some respect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We sometimes will have conversations about non work related things, and every other week on payday we (the department) get breakfast together before work. During those times things are a bit &quot;smoother&quot;, but he still makes inappropriate remarks and maintains that demeanor outside of the workplace. Because of that, I choose not to engage too much with him. So, our relationship is definitely more &quot;business&quot; than not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;End Background&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, today we're all in a meeting (me, my boss and John), and John is talking about how a bunch of people won't be in the office tomorrow, including my boss, and in response to John's statements I said, &quot;Yeah, it'll just be me and you, buddy&quot;. I didn't emphasize the &quot;buddy&quot; or anything; it just was a light-hearted, quick remark. And I don't think it phased either of them, per se, however, nobody said anything in response (though, what would they say anyway?). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though I don't work for John, he does have seniority over me, and given the fact that the comment was light-hearted, was it rude that I called him &quot;buddy&quot;? How did our boss interpret this? And how might you have reacted if you were John? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2777" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T18:31:39.417" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T19:23:15.330" Title="Is it bad that I called someone who (kind of) works above me, &quot;buddy&quot;?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-10T08:09:46.580" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-09T18:10:02.217" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Person from the US here. When I am on a trip, I don't like being asked where I am from if only because it happens so often.  After you have been asked &quot;Where you folks from&quot; ten or twenty times, the question gets old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I particularly don't like it when the encounter is casual, for example, when it is part of the &quot;greeting&quot; at a restaurant.  If we have struck up a conversation with someone (about archaeological sites, or the best route to X, or sightings of a cougar near the trail), the question is a natural one after awhile. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, I genuinely don't know how to answer the question.  &quot;Where you folks from?&quot;  Does this mean&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Where were you born?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Where did you grow up?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Where did you go to school?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Where are you currently living?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Where do you feel most at home?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only the third and fifth questions have any potential to lead to an exchange of views.  The other three have only trivial answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, yes, from the perspective of this middle-class, Virginia born, New England brought-up, MIT alum, Virginia resident, and lover of the Sierra above timber line, &quot;Where ya from&quot; is not only a rude, but a boring question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, in a foreign country where I am by definition a guest, I would not be offended by questions I would consider rude in my own country.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit in response to comments:&lt;/em&gt;  In my culture -- and in my opinion -- asking personal questions of total strangers is rude.  Asking a total stranger &quot;where are you folks from&quot; is a personal question, not a conversation starter.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not in the same class as &quot;How are you?&quot;  That question is always supposed to be answered by &quot;Fine, and you?&quot;  You can be terminally ill, and you will still say &quot;Fine.&quot;  No stranger or casual acquaintance wants to know how you really are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if I were in a foreign country, I would accept that I do not understand the customs, that I am a guest, that in my monumental ignorance I probably do things that are impolite by their standards, and I would take offense at practically nothing.     &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T06:17:09.660" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T06:17:09.660" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1250" CreationDate="2017-08-09T18:15:46.417" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes, it is unequivocally wrong in all cases.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interrupting the question in order to provide what you hope will be an answer to a question you have not fully heard is equivalent to simply saying you really don't care what the question is and you would rather not be bothered by the individually asking regardless of the significance of the question or the questioner.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Better to be truthful and stop them in their tracks with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn” &amp;mdash; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Frankly,_my_dear,_I_don&amp;#39;t_give_a_damn&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Gone with the Wind&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2780" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T18:49:28.150" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T18:49:28.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1547" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1536" CreationDate="2017-08-09T18:21:14.857" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simply ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are your pronouns?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's generally better to ask an awkward question than to deal with the awkwardness of guessing and getting it wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, drop the &quot;preferred&quot; I've made that misstep. I know it may sound more polite on the surface, but some people will be offended by the implication that their gender is a preference or a lifestyle choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt there's a fool proof way to ask that's guaranteed not to offend anyone... It's a sensitive subject that's seen a fair bit of political spotlight in recent years. In my opinion the best way to get past these things is to address them plainly. It's only awkward because people aren't used to talking about it. The more people talk, the more they're aware of other people's experience, and the less awkward these conversations become.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T18:21:14.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1543" CreationDate="2017-08-09T19:10:42.063" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It looks fine, for now.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John probably didn't even notice it, or didn't give it much thought like you did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on your tone, John would've felt differently about it. It could appear disrespectful, or playful and friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend you avoid repeating that, unless you and John become friends, like, real buddies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-09T19:23:15.330" LastActivityDate="2017-08-09T19:23:15.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-09T20:21:04.100" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am somebody who reacts as stated in the question; based on personal experience, I can answer the question as follows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I very much dislike being asked where I'm from, because I don't know how to answer it, and any answer would give misleading information as I have lived in many different countries and am influenced to differing extents by all of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think yes- it's a bad question. Perhaps in particular when people tour India seriously, they might want to feel a part of the place, and the question, &quot;Where are you from?&quot; implicitly asserts that they are outsiders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could instead ask, for example, in what countries (plural) they have lived.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2790" LastEditorUserId="2790" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T03:56:47.127" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T03:56:47.127" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="31" CreationDate="2017-08-09T20:37:43.690" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take the Tangents&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often during a conversation part of it will remind you of something only tangentially related. Instead of saving the slightly related thing for later (and probably forgetting about it) follow the tangent and then when that runs out you can easily return to the main topic of conversation... The more you split off the less likely you'll run out of topics to talk about, and worst case scenario you can also resort to &quot;What were we talking about before (first tangent you can remember).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, say you're talking about a TV show (say Game of Thrones) with your friend, a mention of dragons reminds you of the Anne McCaffrey books you read a few years back. Segue into talking about those (maybe whether or not they'd make a good TV show). If you can find a new tangent before your return to talking about GoT all the better. That way if the conversation lulls you can ask &quot;What were we talking about before the Pern books?&quot; and hopefully revive the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T06:03:11.740" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T06:03:11.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-09T21:06:55.563" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the issue I (and probably others) would have with the question &quot;where are you from?&quot; is that it implies that the answer is important, and will change that person's judgement of me. It's like asking someone's age or race or favorite sports team, you could just be asking to make conversation but there are people who will ask these things so they can adjust their behavior accordingly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I once had a friend who traveled. He told me that if anyone ever asked where he was from, he'd say he was Canadian, even though he was American. His reasoning for this was that if anyone found out he was American, they would treat him poorly, whereas as a Canadian they treated him normally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people hold many stereotypes, and many stereotypes are negative. If you don't know where someone is from, you can't reduce them to a stereotype, you have to treat them like a normal human being, and that's what most people want. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would say that yes, asking too much information from a stranger can be rude. It's unfortunate, but there are too many people in the world who would use that information negatively. I think it's much safer to ask people about decisions they've made, and their interests, things like that. Things that they've consciously done to make themselves unique, rather than things that allow you to clump them into a category. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="351" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T06:18:33.613" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T06:18:33.613" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1556" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1569" CreationDate="2017-08-10T00:09:23.510" Score="184" ViewCount="41494" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in an office with a couple of vegan coworkers. If I bring any animal products to lunch (even cheese, which they can smell), I'm likely to get a long earful about it. In the past, I've listened patiently to their arguments for why I should change my eating habits, but frankly I'm tired of doing this - I just want to eat my lunch in peace and get back to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear on that last point: I've nothing against veganism or vegans; I'm not trying to mock them or cause friction within the workplace. I've thought about the issue plenty, and considered their arguments, but I've made up my mind to not change my diet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried to find places to eat that won't be as noticeable for them - but it doesn't matter if I'm at my desk or in the lounge - they'll still find me. One of them makes a point of mentioning the rallies they attend or time spent picketing butcher shops - as a result, I suspect they see these confrontations as less about me and more about a convenient opportunity to further this sort of activism. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could go to HR over this, but I'd prefer to find a way of resolving the issue quietly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to put an end to their attempts to get me to change my diet, while also not setting myself up for future conflicts with them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2806" LastEditorUserId="7" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T18:07:29.347" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T12:59:40.117" Title="How to ask a vegan to stop telling me about veganism because I am not interested in it?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1557" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1556" CreationDate="2017-08-10T00:20:36.437" Score="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had to deal with this issue in a few different contexts, from friends to people I've dated, even with complete strangers...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My approach is usually pretty simple and direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I respect your decision to be vegan, but I am not a vegan, nor do I intend to become one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they persist, sometimes likening their approach to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evangelism&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;evangelists&lt;/a&gt; will get them to recognize that they're being a little aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not trying to convert you; please extend me the same courtesy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T18:00:57.947" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T18:00:57.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1556" CreationDate="2017-08-10T00:42:04.250" Score="110" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Tell them just what you told us.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arguing is obviously not productive. My sister is attempting to become a vegan, and many of my friends and teammates are either vegans or vegetarians. I've found that debating the point is not at all productive - not because vegans are argumentative, but because there's no objectively right answer to whether or not a person should be vegan. It's a personal choice. Citing statistics or talking about environmental impact studies or going through the details of the meat industry have yet to significantly influence anyone, in my experience. It just leads to fighting, which leaves everyone sore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to avoid a serious argument of this sort and simply end the discussion. That's fine, and if you say as much, it's the other person's job to respect that. I recommend telling them a few things, &lt;strong&gt;the three things that stood out the most to me from your post&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You have heard them out.&lt;/strong&gt; Any conversation about a divisive issue becomes unproductive if one side simply says no to whatever the other person says. If you let them know that you have listened to their points - perhaps even reference one here - then they'll understand that you respect them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've . . . had problems, to say the least, with people over divisive issues when one person wasn't articulating &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they disagreed with the others. In this case, it was an issue of politics, and an emotional one for everyone involved. One person wasn't able to explain their position contrary to another person's, and the frustration boiled over. It took a couple days for everyone to calm down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You aren't trying to &amp;quot;convert&amp;quot; them.&lt;/strong&gt; It seems like they're trying to &amp;quot;convert&amp;quot; you (for lack of a better word; I apologize for the connotations) to veganism. It's possible that their continued annoyance is that they perceive you as trying to do the same to them. You're not ending the conversation to declare victory; you're ending it to declare it a draw.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's a personal choice.&lt;/strong&gt; As I said before, veganism is a choice. To each his (or her) own diet, so to speak. You're not making your choice because it's somehow objectively correct; you're making it because, from what you can see of the facts, it's the best one&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T00:42:04.250" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1560" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="210" CreationDate="2017-08-10T00:46:04.490" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have two ways of slowing the other person and ventilating a conversation when the other is showering me with unworthy words and doesn't let me plug something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would cut off and start off with &quot;Umm, Yes and No&quot;. It means nothing, yet it means everything. Usually you can break a person's monologue with that. Perfect to throw a curveball, break away from the notion that there is only one right answer, and give a counter-opinion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, you probably know he's going to start blabbering shortly after you finish you sentence. That's why I pull a Trump-style repeat your last 4 words a second time. E.g. &quot;And that's why there's a lot of code to write. A &lt;em&gt;Lot&lt;/em&gt; of code to write&quot;. Usually that stops them from re-embarking right away because they didn't expect that 2nd repetition and breaks their momentum, it gives a moment of silence after you finished your sentence and perhaps you can plug another one too before they start talking again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's how I ventilate those painful conversations, and plug some sentences of my own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2809" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T00:46:04.490" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="30" CreationDate="2017-08-10T01:47:29.577" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a friendly email, I would use Mrs. if I knew that they would like to be addressed as a Mrs. Otherwise, I'd use ms., as Mrs. could be seen as rude/disrespectful. Dr. is also an appropriate honorific.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a business email context (eg. knowing first/last name of interviewer but have never met), generally, Ms. is fine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2573" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T01:47:29.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1567" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1571" CreationDate="2017-08-10T05:25:34.153" Score="11" ViewCount="2967" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a hostel. My roommate is very disturbing. This is because he doesn't pay back his loans on time. But he pretends to be a good person to everyone by maintaining a good appearance and smile. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He took a loan from me before and I was very disturbed that time to ask him to pay back the loan over and over again. He seems friendly when anyone talks with him. But when he takes a loan from anyone, he just plays hide and seek to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to avoid giving him any loans. How can I do that easily while I am living with him in the same room?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2779" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T08:11:13.550" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T16:56:07.953" Title="How to avoid giving my roommate a money loan?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;bangladesh&gt;&lt;loans&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-10T05:37:56.653" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it is known that the tourist is from a country that has a particularly aggressive leader, conflict with another country, policies that destroy lives elsewhere in the world, and/or perceived wealth, some individuals may choose to attack the tourist even if the tourist doesn't personally agree with what his/her country is doing and/or isn't that rich. I've seen this. It can sometimes be safer to not identify where you are from.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the tourist doesn't think that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; will attack, someone else might learn by overhearing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answering means self-identification with a whole large set of symbols and ideas (stereotypes in the audience's mind) that the traveler may not actually want to self-identify with.  They might prefer that the audience get to know them as an individual, rather than as a representative of some larger body.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking the question means you're pretty sure the answer is &quot;not from here.&quot;  Your unique situation might mean this high confidence is justified, but that's not always the case (and locals sometimes play tourist too).  Being wrong on this assumption can be offensive because it sends a strong message that the person being asked is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; part of their community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, many people think it's easier to divert the question than to try to explain e.g. Trump or Brexit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastEditorUserId="2637" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T05:41:18.803" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T05:41:18.803" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1569" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1556" CreationDate="2017-08-10T05:39:56.093" Score="68" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am not a lawyer, however...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it unfortunate that &amp;quot;preachy&amp;quot; was removed from your question. First, your use of that word, and your question's phrasing, indicates how the behavior of others has affected you. Secondly, based on the report of their actions, in a non-judgmental way, that is literally what they &lt;em&gt;are, in fact doing&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;preaching&lt;/strong&gt; their way of life in an attempt to &lt;strong&gt;convert&lt;/strong&gt; you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going to formulate my answer under the presumption that you have already tried reasonable requests, and maybe even debates with them, and the results are the same. If you have not, then use those methods first - they can lead to a better work environment for you and them. If, however, such efforts do prove, or have proven, fruitless, then stronger measures exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their reported actions, and your response, suggest that their actions are actually creating what is termed a &amp;quot;hostile work environment.&amp;quot; The U.S. Dept. of Labor has specific guidelines for employers to follow to remain in compliance with &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/statutes/titlevii.cfm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Title VII Civil Rights Act of 1964&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;. One of those deals with &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.dol.gov/oasam/programs/crc/2012-Religious-express-in-dol.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Religious Expression in the DOL Workplace&lt;/a&gt;. The pertinent part reads:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;B. Religious Expression Among Employees&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Employees are permitted to engage in religious conversation and expression with co-workers to the same extent that they may engage in comparable private expression about subjects not related to religious issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example:&lt;/strong&gt; In informal settings, such as cafeterias and hallways, employees are generally entitled to discuss their religious views with one another. Additionally, employees are entitled to display religious messages on items of clothing to the same extent that they are permitted to display other comparable messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when such expression is directed towards other employees, such as views regarding religious practice expressed in a conversation, an employee must refrain from such expression when a fellow employee asks that it stop or otherwise demonstrates that it is unwelcome. Continuing that conduct in such circumstances could manifest into unlawful religious harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do bear in mind that while demonstrative, these guidelines are specifically for Dept. of Labor workplaces, not all workplaces. This is given as a &amp;quot;short form&amp;quot; of what the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/guidance/compliance.cfm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;EEOC COMPLIANCE MANUAL&lt;/a&gt; covers in great detail in &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.eeoc.gov/policy/docs/religion.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;code&gt;SECTION 12: RELIGIOUS DISCRIMINATION&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;code&gt;12 - III Harassment&lt;/code&gt;, &lt;code&gt;A. Prohibited Conduct&lt;/code&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.eeoc.gov/policy/docs/religion.html#_Toc203359507&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;code&gt;2. Hostile Work Environment&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/a&gt;, which is &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; too long to quote, or even paraphrase, here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A point raised by another user, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/430&quot;&gt;AndyT&lt;/a&gt;, is that veganism is not commonly considered a &amp;quot;religion&amp;quot; in the same light as mainstream religions. Depending on how it is followed and applied, it can still be considered as such under the above statutes, both as a protected practice for the adherants, and as a proscribed behavior under harassment guidelines.  The EEOC COMPLIANCE MANUAL, &lt;code&gt;SECTION 12: RELIGIOUS DISCRIMINATION&lt;/code&gt;,  &lt;code&gt;12 - I Coverage&lt;/code&gt;, &lt;code&gt;A. Prohibited Conduct&lt;/code&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.eeoc.gov/policy/docs/religion.html#_Toc203359487&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;code&gt;1. Religion&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/a&gt; has:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Religious beliefs include theistic beliefs as well as non-theistic “moral or ethical beliefs as to what is right and wrong which are sincerely held with the strength of traditional religious views.” Although courts generally resolve doubts about particular beliefs in favor of finding that they are religious...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line is that what you are experiencing &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;quot;Hostile Work Environment Discrimination&amp;quot; and it is your employer's duty to remove that discrimination by stopping the behavior of the harassing parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, your next step, if needed, is to &lt;strong&gt;officially&lt;/strong&gt; complain to your direct supervisor (unless one of the vegans is your supervisor, in which case you need to go up another level) about their behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To protect yourself from retaliation, from both the vegans and the company, when you do choose to complain, you may wish to seek legal advice, or representation, before hand. I don't claim to know where to find the &amp;quot;best&amp;quot; such help, but you can begin with the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.findlaw.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Find Law®&lt;/a&gt; page on &lt;a href=&quot;http://employment.findlaw.com/employment-discrimination/religion-in-the-workplace.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Religion in the Workplace&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="27" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T15:25:04.773" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1570" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1502" CreationDate="2017-08-10T05:46:25.197" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;We actually just went through this not too long ago with our little one's 1st birthday. Personally I feel the best answer is just to be completely honest with all parties. In our situation, it was grandma and grandpa who don't get along anymore. Their 1st grandson's 1st birthday party from their 1st daughter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say remind them this party is not about the issues they have with each other. It's about celebrating someone special in their life and they really should be there. Let them know that there's going to be plenty of other people to talk to and they'll be able to gracefully avoid each other. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi (PERSON A)! Hey I just wanted to remind you that  has a birthday party coming up and you should really be there! It's going to be at (A NEUTRAL LOCATION LIKE A PARK) and we'll have games and cake and ice cream... a bunch of people have already said they're coming so you can't be the one who doesn't show!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... Now pause for a moment. If they react quickly and ask about PERSON B, you'll have to work extra hard, good luck. Otherwise, you can start listing names of people who are going to show, and some who you invited but don't know for sure yet. Wherever PERSON B fits in to that list, throw their name in there, but without emphasis! Practice this before you try it. You'll find you subconsciously make PERSON B stick out of the group one way or another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you luck. Our situation didn't work out with both being present. :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2700" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T06:00:02.867" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T06:00:02.867" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1567" CreationDate="2017-08-10T06:22:39.800" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had such friends. They'd ask me and my other friends for money. So, I am writing what I did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid lending him money, you might wanna discuss about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, do not overreact when your roommate asks for money. I did it once and it resulted in broken friendship. Give it a moment and then ask this in a polite manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I don't want any tensions between us. So, I hope we could talk about you borrowing money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before asking this question, think about how you want to talk and also how you'd like to be treated if you were at his/her place. In this way, you can come up with more polite and possibly effective way to talk about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you want to select a right place and right time to have this conversation. Make sure you have this conversation in private, so your friend doesn't feel embarrassed. You might also wanna avoid talking about this when you or your friend is in hurry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you're discussing, try to stay on topic. If your friend might react defensively and talk about his issues, show him that you're listening, but try to talk about this specific issue first. Say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see you've some issues and need money. I'm open to hearing about that, but before we talk about it, I wanted to make sure we're clear about lending money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this conversation, try to convey your feelings as well. Like, say that you're also in need of money and can't lend him any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T09:20:22.977" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T09:20:22.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-10T06:22:41.447" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will be speaking for myself and from my observations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Where are you from&quot; is the toughest question for me that I hate to answer no matter if it's being asked in a country I live in or in a country I travel to. I can answer any question but this. If a question is beyond my domain I can just answer &quot;I don't know&quot; and that would be it. But I can't answer &quot;I don't know&quot; or give any other neutral response to the &quot;where are you from?&quot; question because it seems to be a known truth and a simple answer to most of the people. And there are plenty situations when you can't avoid answering it &lt;strong&gt;the way a person expects&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Curiosity&lt;/strong&gt;. I think people became interested in other people and their culture a long time ago. And since books and reading appeared it became more affordable. Not to mention the internet where now you can learn almost anything. Not to mention cheap flights and the blast of travelling.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Counter-culture, subculture&lt;/strong&gt;. In every nation, there are groups of people or individuals who do not follow the mainstream culture, customs, traditions etc. Some of them do it because they've found another culture more attractive to them, some of them do it because they're opposing a culture, some of them because they've managed to develop individually and so on and so forth.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mixing&lt;/strong&gt;. People were mixing between different cultures, nations, &quot;races&quot;, religions for different reasons, be it, love, power, war, slavery, sex, immigration, kingdoms' relationship etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Refugees, war, slavery.&lt;/strong&gt; Some people were brought to a country or forced to leave a country they called home and they might not see themselves as representatives of their new country. Or they might not be willing to talk about the country they left because it's painful.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Travelling, immigration, expatriate.&lt;/strong&gt; Some people choose to migrate to another country(ies), to travel, or to work in a country(ies). No surprise they might have more than one home. They can have more than one culture, speak several languages. They might find out they don't have a connection with their &quot;home country&quot; anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Individualism, stereotyping, generalisation&lt;/strong&gt;. There are people who deem themselves as individuals. There are people who don't like stereotyping.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So because of the above-mentioned points, I believe some people don't have a simple answer to the question &quot;where are you from&quot;, or they are feeling annoyed, if it's the country where they're living in then they might feel they don't belong here or you're implying they don't belong here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also irritating to answer this question on daily basis and try to turn down all the &quot;interesting&quot; talks about one's &quot;from&quot; country. Like there's nothing else to talk? We can talk about our hobbies, interests, weekends, work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And let's face it, most of the times people ask it to categorise, stereotype, generalise others. Which might work most of the times. But I hope it's changing. And I hope people who ask these questions will become more open and sensitive towards others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;– Where are you from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;– Italy. Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;– I love Italy! I love pizza. I eat pasta once a week. I watch Italian movies. My grand-grand-grand-grandfather is a quarter Italian. I've been to Rome ten years ago. Italian women are the best! There's a good Italian restaurant nearby I can show you... (you get the drift)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;– Mate, my mother is an orthodox Jewish half-Chinese and my father is half-Spanish half-Filipino Christian, we also have Japanese and Iranian heritage. I don't like Rome and I don't like Italian food that much. I am myself a free thinker, I love Japanese anime, French movies, Scandinavian music, Indian/Chinese/Japanese food, I lived in South Korea, Taiwan, Berlin. I'm currently working in Amsterdam. My wife is half-Pakistani half-British. English is my native language even though I grew up speaking Italian and Spanish. I also know Korean and German.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2820" LastEditorUserId="2820" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T06:28:22.257" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T06:28:22.257" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1573" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1624" CreationDate="2017-08-10T06:42:28.333" Score="23" ViewCount="6376" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A group of people, who have known each other for a very long time, meets again. Among them are Alice and Mallory (not real names).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Alice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She has been gone for quite a while and just came back. Now she has a lot of new stories to tell, and we are eager to listen to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mallory&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She is an attention-seeker and dislikes Alice. Furthermore, she is very sensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, everyone is present and Alice starts to tell us about her experiences during her time away. The rest of us met more regularly, living in the same city, so there is currently no news to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory doesn't appear to be too interested, judging from body language (she sits close to me, in my line of sight). I am however, and listen to Alice. After a short while, Mallory simply starts talking to me (directly, and just to me). She speaks in a loud voice, telling me the same old stories she already told me a thousand times, laughing and also grabbing my attention by physical means (poking, pushing). All this, while Alice is still speaking and I'm obviously listening to her. The others ignore what is going on, Alice included. Since Mallory is so sensitive, she is rarely criticised for her behaviour, in order to avoid her throwing a temper tantrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I want Mallory to stop, without interrupting Alice. So I'm looking for a discreet way of making it clear to someone, that you want them to stop talking to you. So making a scene is not a possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I handle this situation without grabbing the attention myself?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Additional information&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We are talking about adults here (including Mallory).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Regarding Mallory's motivation: There is no special interest in me (especially no romantic one) and she did/does that on several other occasions involving other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Removing / not inviting Mallory or hoping for her to just stay away, if she is not interested, is not an option. There is no possibility to physically get rid of Mallory (e. g. leaving together with Alice).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory is an extreme case for sure, however I also welcome answers, that are more broad in their approach - how to handle someone, who tries to drive your attention away from someone else for no good reason. And it is about the situation itself, not about what to say to Mallory afterwards to make her stop that behaviour in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T17:59:22.020" Title="How to discreetly reject an attention-seeker while you listen to someone else" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1574" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-10T06:44:09.453" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bangladesh is a moderately sized country, with a population of 163 million people. Located to the eastern part of South Asia, it gained independence from Pakistan in 1971, which itself gained independence from the British Raj in 1947. The country earned a score of 0.579 on the 2016 Human Development Index.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Culturally, Bangladesh shares a large part of it's culture with the rest of South Asia. The majority of its citizens are adherents to Islam, allow the government aims to be a secular nation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Main source/Further reading: &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bangladesh&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Bangladesh on Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bangladesh earns the following scores on Hofstede's &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hofstede&amp;#39;s_cultural_dimensions_theory&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Cultural Dimension Theory&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/H12hL.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/H12hL.png&quot; alt=&quot;Bangladesh Hofstede Graph&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://geert-hofstede.com/bangladesh.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Report/Graph Source&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like other geographic tags, the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/bangladesh&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;bangladesh&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;bangladesh&lt;/a&gt; tag should be used when attempting to specify the region of a situation, or the culture of the people who are involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16" LastEditorUserId="16" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T07:23:56.090" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T07:23:56.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1575" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-10T06:44:09.453" Score="0" Body="For questions about specific interactions between people in Bangladesh, or questions about Bangladeshi culture." OwnerUserId="16" LastEditorUserId="16" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T07:23:12.183" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T07:23:12.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1556" CreationDate="2017-08-10T07:24:41.280" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry you have to deal with this. This is coming from the opposite angle, but I can relate very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I follow a vegan diet but don't make it a topic, unless someone else wants to talk about it. (Even if I wanted everyone to become vegan, I think proselytizing would lead to nothing but resentment.) Ironically, at my workplace, where everyone but me eats meat, every single time we have lunch together someone will strike up a conversation about my food choice. This is always with polite intentions and nobody questions my choices, but even so I sometimes wish I could just eat my food and talk about the weather. So far, I wasn't annoyed enough to say anything, but if someone I need to get along with was regularly trying to  change my dietary habits, I would say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, we talked this over so many times, and I feel quite frustrated with this conversation. I really don't want to change my diet, and I frankly don't care who of us is right. What I care about is that we get along in this office, and that I can make my own choices. But when you tell me that [I am a bad/silly/unhealthy person etc. for eating what I eat], I feel [singled out/uncomfortable/annoyed].  Can we please not talk about our eating habits for a while?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are your vegan colleagues didn't realize how you feel about the issue. If they still don't leave you alone, you could try to escalate by appealing to their &quot;ideology&quot;, but this might also backfire:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Listen, if your goal is to convince me to adopt a vegan diet, you are doing a very bad job. Every time you criticize my food choice, I only become more angry inside. I can really see how I am starting to think badly about veganism in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side-note, you could also ask this question on &lt;a href=&quot;https://vegetarianism.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;https://vegetarianism.stackexchange.com/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T07:34:19.960" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T07:34:19.960" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1567" CreationDate="2017-08-10T07:30:06.360" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He seems friendly [...] but when he takes a loan, he just plays hide and seek to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This looks like someone only motivated by money and interested in getting money. As you said, you got a hard time getting your money back, asking multiple times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself how you would feel and (re)act if you borrow a book/movie from a friend, then damage it beyond repair or lose it ? Would you excuse yourself, and buy it back, or hide and seek ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to avoid giving him any loans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say : &lt;strong&gt;NO&lt;/strong&gt;. No need to argue, no need to explain, no need to be rude. It's &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; money, it's &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; decision. Just make sure you pick the appropriate moment to tell him, if you can (delay the answer for a couple of days, if needed). Don't put yourself in a situation that makes you more  uncomfortable after (try and get your money back) than before (say no, and don't lend the money).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nevertheless, if you still wish to explain why you don't want, I would just say I need the money for myself (this is actually true, as you work to make a living), and can't afford to share/loan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not go into stuff like: &lt;em&gt;but I had to fight to get my money back last time&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;but you didn't give the money back to X last time, and just play hide and seek with her/him now&lt;/em&gt;. Endless arguing...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As my ol'man used to say : &lt;strong&gt;You lend money, you lose a friend. If your really want to help him out, give what you want/can, but don't ask it back, and don't expect it back...&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T07:30:06.360" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-08-10T08:15:55.297" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;That is hilarious! If you don't wanna interact with the baby, fine!&#xA;If you feel alienated etc. that is another problem, probably different from not wanting to interact with the baby, although you experience it in relation to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I too do not really want to interact with them either, because I feel I could break something. In the end, I do not know how to properly handle them. Also, I've read an article about letting babies rest most of the time, instead of passing them around. So it might also be the 'better' thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2835" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T08:55:32.920" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T08:55:32.920" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1556" CreationDate="2017-08-10T08:29:33.333" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest way is to stop eating cheese in their vicinity. You don't need to become vegan just to avoid animal products for one meal per day on working days only. As you said, they smell it and it obviously bothers them. Imagine someone often eating surströmming in your office. Surely you would be bothered by it, and you would try to convince them to stop. Cheese to them is even worse than surströmming to you because it doesn't just smell, it's also morally questionable to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, it's your right to eat cheese, but at the same time, it's their right to start a conversation with you about something you do that annoys them. Conversations are a normal part of office life. If you're that bothered about having conversations that don't interest you, it's your responsibility to avoid it, e.g. by not inviting the conversation every day by eating cheese.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you can also tell them that you're not interested in the same stuff they're interested in, and to stop talking to you about it, but there's no way to avoid that being considered awfully rude. It just is awfully rude. I imagine you, too, have something you're interested in, and would be insulted if someone told you to stop talking about it as they don't care. Especially so as you're the one that invites it every day with behaviour that annoys them. Going back to the surströmming example, imagine you told someone that it smells, and it annoys you, and they told you that they don't care and, even more, it annoys them that you keep talking about it whenever they bring surströmming. Seems rude? It is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you have basically three choices: stop doing things that annoy them, keep doing it and accept their conversations, or be rude and tell them you're not interested. What you choose will ultimately be decided by how much you like to eat cheese, how much these conversations annoy you and how much you value your relationship with them. It's not a decision anyone here can make for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: There seems to be some confusion about what I'm saying here, as evidenced by the comments. It's not about the cheese being pungent or not. The asker says that they smell it, that's all that matters. If they smell (or see, or whatever) evidence of something that is morally questionable to them, they have a right to talk about it. It would be a scary world where you have to hide your beliefs because they might offend your colleagues. Eating at his desk or the lounge is hardly an attempt to avoid the problem. It's fully expected that his colleagues are going to pass by those places on a usual work day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking to coworkers is very often more about being polite and respectful than about actually being interested in what they're saying. That shouldn't be a problem to a professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2838" LastEditorUserId="2838" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T10:33:34.087" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T10:33:34.087" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1556" CreationDate="2017-08-10T08:44:08.077" Score="10" Body="&lt;h1&gt;First establish whether they are doing this on purpose&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far the answers seem to assume that your colleagues talk about this because they are consciously trying to convert you. I would recommend you to first establish whether this is the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example from myself:&#xA;I like my work. In the past, I would always bring up work in a conversation at least once or twice because it is simply something I like to talk about. Eventually, my partner gave me the hint that some people don't like to talk about this, typically those who don't have a job that they like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only after this happened, I started to think about the impact on my conversation partners, and adjusted my behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Suggested approach&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would first establish their intention, perhaps they really feel like it is their duty to convert you, or perhaps they just like to talk about things they find important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I notice that when we talk, the topic often moves to reasons why it is good to be a vegan. I do support you to be a vegan, but this is not something I like to discuss on a frequent basis. (optional: Because ... I feel we spend more time arguing about this than we should.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this moment there are only a few likely outcomes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They respond with something like: But it is really important to be a vegan!. -- In this case, you have at least clearly established their purpose. The problem is not going to disappear without intervention and can choose whether you want to escalate this or just ignore it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They indicate that they didn't realize that you didn't like talking about it, and follow up by talking significantly less about the topic. Success!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They indicate that they will talk less about the topic but actually don't. In this case, they might be hiding their intent, or just didn't manage to change their habit in 1 go.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To support people in changing their habits, it could help if for the next few times, whenever the topic is brought up, you consistently but non-aggressively note that the topic is brought up (of course without starting a discussion about the content!). This should give you the highest chance that you change their behaviour without antagonizing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2840" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:28:50.627" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1521" CreationDate="2017-08-10T09:35:00.150" Score="0" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Use their account name, unless the community at large knows their real name - at which point, go with the community's name for said person.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, on most sites I go by &amp;quot;jordsta95&amp;quot;, but on most sites, I will put my first name (Jordan) in a publicly visible place, as I don't mind how people refer to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a few sites I am known site wide, or in specific sections, so when people refer to &amp;quot;Jordan&amp;quot; everyone generally knows they mean &amp;quot;@jordsta95&amp;quot;. However, this only works on sites where the person's name is visible for all to see without changing page; for example, underneath a user's username/avatar on a forum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to shortening, only do this on sites where everyone does this already. For example, people referring to me as &amp;quot;jord&amp;quot;, sure you can do it, but no one will understand you mean &amp;quot;@jordsta95&amp;quot; on 95% of the sites I am a member of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, with all this said, unless the user's username is their full name, or the full name is the default/only way to identify a user, I would advise against using a full name, even if it is visible to all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2841" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T13:39:10.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1584" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-10T10:15:16.873" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with others, I would not ask this question unless people offer or bring it up themselves. Although after a fair length conversations among travelers, tourists guides, or restaurant hosts, or even shopkeepers tend to hug the boundary where &quot;where are you from&quot; eventually emerges from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an Indian traveling a lot, I get asked this question a lot, and in my experience it's a question almost anyone would ask after we have had a brief conversation / random small talk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And ALWAYS, thankfully, it has only led to deeper, and more fun interactions.&#xA;I never felt offended by it. there are always times, when I do want to be left alone, in that case my body language and facial expression I think, discourage people from approaching me altogether. So the &quot;where are you&quot; does not have a room to pop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, as a solo woman traveler, &quot;are you travelling alone&quot;, is a question, I do not always like, and thus if asked, do not always answer truthfully to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Happy interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2847" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T10:19:59.637" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T10:19:59.637" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1585" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1601" CreationDate="2017-08-10T10:57:34.420" Score="78" ViewCount="41394" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had a past teenage experience (~10 years ago) where a girl I liked (only friends) asked me about whether I liked her fake nails. I answered honestly and say I didn't like them at all and prefer natural nails, to which she was very upset. I tried to justify myself by saying how an honest opinion is always better - but it only made her more upset. This was a bad, however very life-instructing experience - that in some cases saying my opinion too straight was not the greatest idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then it has happened to me twice that girls I like (only friends) have got a major haircut, and this is going to happen a 3rd time (I only saw a picture so far). In one of those cases I was explicitly asked about whether I liked the short hair, and in order to avoid a repeat of the earlier bad experience I had with the fake nails, I felt forced to lie and said I like it - which felt extremely awkward since I normally never lie, and it was probably obvious I was thinking the opposite, which made me feel even worse for lying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a person, my behaviour is that I usually say what I think straightly and loudly, no matter if it pleases other people or not because that's how I am and hiding my real feelings only complicate things. My previous life experience taught me that wanting to hide things and being politically correct is counter-productive, and being straight and honest is more efficient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;While I like my friends no matter how they look externally&lt;/strong&gt;, I clearly prefer girls with long hair. Unfortunately, I only have bad choices as how to react:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I say I like the new hairstyle I'm outright lying and that's a terrible choice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I say straight I don't like it, they'll be upset and it'll repeat my past negative experience.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I ignore the matter completely and act as if nothing happened/as if I didn't notice the style change, it means I do not care about her or how she looks and that's not a very good thing either.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how hard I think I cannot find a behaviour that is exemplary in this case. If it matters for this question, I'm a guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2849" LastEditorUserId="8166" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T13:00:11.643" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T13:00:11.643" Title="How do I react when a girl I like has a new haircut that I don't like very much?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="20" FavoriteCount="11" ClosedDate="2018-11-10T13:25:48.890" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1586" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-10T11:04:12.470" Score="25" ViewCount="14423" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in Dubai. Often, I take home-cooked food to workplace and I can’t eat all of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few weeks back, I asked my colleague if they wanted my lunch because I had already eaten from it. They minded that and said that’s not a proper way to share the food and that it is rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what’s the proper wording or phrases I could use to share my (leftover) food with someone? People think of it as a rude gesture, like they are homeless or something. And I never mean it that way, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2851" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T12:15:08.713" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T21:01:20.817" Title="How to politely ask someone if they want to eat my (leftover) food?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;united-arab-emirates&gt;&lt;sharing&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T11:06:12.457" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lying is a socially acceptable choice in these situations. The person who has had their haircut has had a visible change in their life that they themselves notice and may be feeling self conscious about. Wondering what people are thinking or feeling, what are people saying behind their back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask, &quot;what do you think of my hair?&quot; Then what they may really be saying is, &quot;You have not yet commented on my hair, and until you do I will believe you think badly of me&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People have a tendency to fill in lack of information to their own detriment in many cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So saying, &quot;I like it&quot; and then perhaps following up with a question (good compliment practice..) of &quot;Where did you get it done?&quot; is letting them know that you have noticed, acknowledged the change in their appearance and brought your friendship back to a state where they are not worrying over the lack of information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying that you like their hair when in fact you do not but it does not change your opinion of them as a person is not necessarily harmful. If their appearance does effect your opinion of them as a person then your friendship has different issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to summarise. In interactions what people say or ask and what they mean can be different things. They are not asking you if they like your hair, they just want you to acknowledge it. &#xA;You are then to fulfil your end of that social contract with a positive reinforcement so normal friendship can resume.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T11:06:12.457" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T11:08:07.813" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You liking her hair is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; problem and &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; perspective on &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; physical attraction to females. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would normally respond to &quot;Do your like my hair?&quot; with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you like it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if they reply with &quot;Yes&quot;, then I would normally say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's all that matters, what I think doesn't matter, you're awesome either way (if you think she's awesome that is).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you're not lying by saying that you don't like her hair, so you won't relive previous negative experiences but you're still giving them an honest response by telling them that you like &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, moreover their hair. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but if they do persist and say &quot;But seriously, do you like it?&quot; or if you prefer not to say what I suggested previously, then just go straight to the honest approach below:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I preferred when it was a little longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can't expect everyone to like her hair, but you're not saying you outright dislike it, but you &lt;strong&gt;shouldn't have to lie&lt;/strong&gt;, your friendship should be stronger than a compliment on her hair, or her expecting you to lie to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even better from @JMac in the comments (if you still find them attractive, but from the question you're not that shallow), you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I preferred it when it was a little longer, but you're pulling it off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You're pulling it off&quot; could be translated to &quot;it suits you&quot; or &quot;it looks good on you&quot; or what I like to say is &quot;You're rocking it&quot; (but that could be stemmed from the US/UK mainly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T15:20:56.457" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T15:20:56.457" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T11:12:11.910" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depending on where you are from, the answer could vary widely due to cultural differences, so take what I say as a Briton's take on the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Comment on the hair cut, but don't say whether you like or not initially. E.g. &quot;Is that a new hair cut?&quot; You allow her to make first comment on it, as they will possibly say &quot;Yeah, I was getting tired of [feature of previous style]&quot; or possibly say that it's not exactly what they wanted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say the former you can start by saying &quot;I liked [feature of previous style]&quot; and then go on to say how they look like a totally different person without them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, you could always go for something generic, a few examples (style change | response):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Long hair to short hair | You look more mature&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Changed hair colour | It makes you look like [celebrity they like]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Short hair to long hair | Makes you look younger&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, when it comes to styles and fashion, you either like it, you lie, or you get on well enough that you can insult the person's style without them getting offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2841" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T11:12:11.910" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T11:16:19.270" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's another option: You could say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I like you no matter what haircut you have!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(since you stated that's true) and you might add&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're your own person and the important thing is that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel good with the new hair. So, if I may ask: how does it make you feel?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may just be a question about hair but it may just as well be a question about themselves. If you get the sense that the real question is &quot;Do you like me?&quot;, try answering that honestly and enthusiastically (since you said you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; like them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T11:16:19.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1573" CreationDate="2017-08-10T11:18:26.697" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;All I can think of is the 'Shush' &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_gestures&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;gesture&lt;/a&gt; possibly accompanied by grabbing and returning to her the prodding limb. That would be the least obtrusive way to stop this in someone who can and will take a hint. Best avoid looking at her directly while you do this, stressing the 'stop this' message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But seeing the self-centred behaviour this probably is not enough. Next would be to step back out of her reach and go to a position in the group where she cannot reach you. You may have to do this more than once to show an action like this will not work (on you). She may go for a next 'victim' if you do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally you can try and talk to the other group members and see if they are aware of her intrusive behaviour and motivated to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T11:24:14.900" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T11:24:14.900" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-10T11:19:00.710" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have no problem with anyone asking me where I'm from while on vacation. If I check in somewhere and they have no questions at all, it would be a sign of a total lack of interest (which is what other people would call professional I suppose).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I suppose it differs from one person to the other, but in general it is not a bad question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2848" LastEditorDisplayName="user2848" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T14:38:37.887" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T14:38:37.887" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-10T11:20:09.607" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This is copy/pasted from my comments on request of the OP. If you think that this needs more details to be an exhaustive, completely correct answer, I agree with you&lt;/em&gt; ;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many Europeans that visit India as tourists (not all of them of course) are very &quot;special&quot;. Some might call them &quot;hippies&quot;. If they claim to be &quot;From Earth&quot; or &quot;Rastafarian&quot;, it doesn't mean they are offended. They maybe just want to show you they are &quot;citizens of Earth&quot; and sometimes don't believe in, or want to escape, nationalities. They might be put off because they themselves think they give the impression of not being &quot;Belgian&quot; but &quot;one with the universe&quot;. I might be completely wrong in those cases, but I know such people that love India.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is another thing one should keep in mind which isn't India specific: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shouldn't be the case with Belgians, but for example Germans do not like to go around telling everyone they are from the country most people only know about  because of &quot;the most evil thing in history&quot;. They do not want to take a vacation to talk about Hitler. Especially if they belong into that &quot;hippie&quot; group from my first part, they actually might hate the question. That doesn't mean they are offended by it, they just rather would forget their country of birth while soul-searching in India. But not everyone is the same of course. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same was true for example for Americans shortly after they invaded Iraq, but I feel as if they have recovered since. Depending on what is in the news lately, this of course can change. If they are from Norway and Norway just invaded England, people from Norway might want to keep quiet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2747" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T16:14:42.593" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T16:14:42.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T11:24:45.007" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short answer: You don't&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are in no way responsible or do you have any say in this (or any) women's decisions in regards to her hair, nails, or anything else. If she wanted your opinion she would have asked before it happened. If she asks you what you think about it now she is not asking for your opinion she is asking for a compliment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is absolutely no reason to force your negative opinion on her if she doesn't explicitly ask for your opinion. If you do not like it the best case scenario would to be to ignore it, but if she explicitly asks you what you think of her haircut then I think a good answer would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think you look (Insert flattering adjective here), as always.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;because you do not have to explicitly tell her that you like the haircut (which you dont) but you also are not going to hurt her feelings by telling her the you do not like her style choices. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you end up in a relationship, or a similarly important role in her life, then you can consider asking her to grow it out if that is what you prefer. Keep in mind that it is always 100% her decision though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastEditorUserId="58" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T17:17:38.893" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T17:17:38.893" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-10T11:51:13.613" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends on where you are, a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Delhi, as a Westerner you get chatted up every few meters, usually starting with &quot;when did you arrive?&quot; and &quot;where are you from?&quot; followed by a generic remark about a football team from that country and a bad segue to why you should visit a particular place and/or disregard the huge arrow &quot;tourist information&quot; because the office just moved and they didn't have time to hang up the new sign yet. It really gets old quite fast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is only a limited number of entry ports, all in big cities, so most tourists you see will have made that experience quite recently. It doesn't even stop when you're in the hotel, you can be sure that someone will knock on your door within the first half hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So there isn't much you can do about this — starting a conversation with this question will always put tourists on edge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2854" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T11:51:13.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T12:02:43.463" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I don't know what to say right away when the person asks, I won't (white) lie anyway. I'll carefully look at the person, even step back a little, ask him/her to twist around. Not only you really pay attention to what she/he did, but your have also more time to think of &lt;em&gt;how you can say things&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's really different. Let me see, give me a few seconds please.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I can pinpoint what's really different and why. Only then, when I made my mind, I would only emphasize the &quot;new&quot; things that the new haircut has done, and tell her/him what I see and like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I already loved the way you smile, and because of [ difference A ], it makes your smile even more bright and nice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I like the [ blue / brown / green ] of your eyes, and because of [ difference B ], this color has more depth, and your look is highlighted.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I like the way one can see your earrings now, good choice putting your hair behind your ears.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be positive about the new haircut and the new style.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;If you don't really like it, others may like it, and your friend &lt;strong&gt;DO&lt;/strong&gt; like it most of the time, so be it... :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T19:36:40.253" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T19:36:40.253" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T12:48:15.903" Score="89" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been on the other side of this and I agree that lying is not a great idea. She'll know that you're lying and it will make it sound worse than it probably is.  What she wants is reassurance that you still find her attractive.  Here are a few options that don't include lying or insulting her, and do include reassurance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say the old cut was your favorite, but she's always attractive in general &#xA;(&quot;Long was my favorite, but you're always beautiful to me.&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pick one thing about this cut that is flattering and focus on that. (&quot;I really &#xA;like the fringe -- it shows your eyes.&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do remember the haircut choice was based on her own taste and lifestyle, just as yours is.  As for asking her to have a specific cut (as suggested above), I would tread lightly. It's ok to say &quot;I love the way you look when...&quot; - but watch her reaction and consider what you're asking of her.  Would you like someone to make a similar level of change to your appearance or expense or effort?  If not, don't do it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I wouldn't ask &quot;do you like it?&quot; as a substitute for answering.  That makes it very clear that you don't like it.  You might as well just answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the information that she didn't ask - if you still like her and want her to keep liking you, try these:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask if she got her haircut, then follow the above advice after she reacts.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't say anything about the cut, just comment on things you actually like.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're just friends and she hasn't directly asked, just don't say anything. It isn't necessary.  If you're very very close friends and you feel she would be offended by you saying nothing, you can still follow the above advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2870" LastEditorUserId="2870" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T07:20:58.177" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T07:20:58.177" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1556" CreationDate="2017-08-10T12:58:22.303" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it's difficult to change something until you first accept (or at least understand) it. This is probably especially true of situations like this, where people's worldviews are at odds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you have to understand is that this person (presumably) &lt;em&gt;really believes&lt;/em&gt; that you becoming vegan would be a good thing, and that you remaining a non-vegan is a bad thing. From their perspective, you are both perpetuating cruelty (to animals that they are emotionally invested in the wellbeing of) and damaging the environment (that they, you, and anybody that either of you care about both depend on to survive) through your behavior. Saying to them that they should &lt;em&gt;just respect your choices&lt;/em&gt;, then, is insufficient, and doesn't (in my view) give that person or their views sufficient respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you saw a person behaving in a way that you saw as cruel (to people, animals or whatever-it-is that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are emotionally invested in) and damaging to resources that you (and others you care about) depend on, would &lt;em&gt;&quot;just respect my decision&quot;&lt;/em&gt; seem a reasonable defense? Maybe you think so, but I'd be surprised if you can't on-some-level relate to someone who didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice then would be to forget about &lt;em&gt;&quot;You shouldn't try to change my mind&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and focus instead on &lt;em&gt;&quot;You can't change my mind&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or perhaps even (if you think it's true) &lt;em&gt;&quot;Your attempts to change my mind make me less likely to do so&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, if you respect this person at all, you owe it to them to at least &lt;em&gt;consider&lt;/em&gt; their views.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you have already shown respect to them and their beliefs (either by listening to their arguments or by researching the subject in your own time) but weren't persuaded, simply explain this. Explain that you aren't sold on their particular arguments for veganism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably reasonable at this point to concede that there's a possibility an argument or new piece of information may persuade you in the future (it's at least &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt;, is it not?). Perhaps suggest that they might persuade you better by allowing you thinking space, and that if this thinking space doesn't lead you to veganism, nothing &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; can do will. Obviously, this depends on what you're comfortable conceding, and how entrenched you feel your views are in the opposite direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you haven't already shown respect to their views, perhaps you can offer to (maybe even on the condition that they stop talking about it afterwards). From your perspective, if feels like they're trying to &lt;em&gt;force&lt;/em&gt; you to act a certain way. From their perspective, it's quite possible that feeling you've really listened to and considered their views might be all they were ever asking for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only alternative to listening and considering their views, I think, is to simply be rude, and to suggest that what they think doesn't matter, and the consequences they're concerned about are not important to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, this person is unlikely to be convinced (short of you successfully persuading &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; of &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; views) that it's &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt; to persuade you. You have to convince them that their attempts to do so are either futile or actively harmful to their cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, if they do try to directly influence your &lt;em&gt;behavior&lt;/em&gt; (as opposed to your beliefs), explain that you don't believe as they do, and you have to behave in a way that's consistent with &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; view of things, just as they do with theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="401" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:32:45.573" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:32:45.573" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T13:28:28.087" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, to give an answer that is not &quot;lie, or move around the subject&quot; here is my version: &lt;strong&gt;be honest&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't like it, don't start about it, but when she brings up the subject you're totally fine to actually tell the truth. You don't have to say you find her new style the worst in the world, but there is nothing wrong with admitting that you preferred her previous style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's asking you what you think about it, she wants your opinion. Not some lie or evasive answer (and beware, she will understand that you don't like it if you ignore her real question). Better be honest than pretending you really like it, when she finds out it makes it even worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2848" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T13:31:15.713" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T13:31:15.713" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1573" CreationDate="2017-08-10T13:55:49.840" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Doing what you describe is really rude. When doing this, I see her seeking for support and an accomplice. She doesn't want to walk down the path alone. In case someone complains, she might just say : &lt;strong&gt;Wait, Anne was talking to me!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this happens once, nothing you can say really right away maybe. But then, I would show her that I can't agree with what she does, can't support her behaviour, and can't be her excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would not answer when she starts talking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would make sure she understands what I mean and wave her a gentle ¯\_(ツ)_/¯&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would make a gesture showing that I'm listening to Alice right now.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would wait until just the two of us can hear, and talk to her:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me Mallory, but I wanted to let you know something that bothered me. I really felt bad earlier when Alice was telling us a story. It made me very uncomfortable when you interrupted her by talking to me, because she may think I couldn't care less about what she was saying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I neither want to be rude to you nor her. I would really appreciate that you don't put me in such a situation, and being seen as rude. Thanks for your understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like being hostage to someone else's attitude. Now, after telling her, she knows that she needs to choose another victim for her crime, but it won't be me...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T19:37:55.430" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T19:37:55.430" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1603" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1586" CreationDate="2017-08-10T14:01:53.990" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is difficult to share &amp;quot;leftover food&amp;quot; assuming you mean the food you just had during lunch and did not finish. (If you meant the leftover dinner from yesterday, you can skip to the dialogue part.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides hygienic reasons, it can come off as rude or misleading - it could be seen as passing your unwanted food to someone else. On that note, you should try offering the food to your colleague before digging in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you let them know what ingredients are in it (for preference/allergy) and show your intention. E.g.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hey, would you like to try some of my lunch?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;It has (ingredients...)&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I packed too much food today so feel free to help yourself&amp;quot; (or offer a container/utensil to share the food)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I made too much food yesterday so I brought them in to share with others. Hope you enjoy!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Last two lines works as an additional inviting gesture for being polite and letting them know they won't be causing you trouble for eating your lunch.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2181" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T11:36:51.337" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1604" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1556" CreationDate="2017-08-10T14:05:02.437" Score="8" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Disengagement&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A technique that I have found helps is to show your interest wane during their discussion to the point that you are no longer looking in their direction and simply respond randomly with an &quot;uh huh&quot; even while they are mid conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This method of disengagement works well in many situations and allows you to ramp up the disinterest when they repeat a question and you can simply reply with an &quot;I'm sorry but I wasn't really listening&quot; or &quot;I know, that's crazy&quot;. This last reply works well when used in a moment where it isn't really fitting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should find that all but the most determined will become frustrated and walk away after a few minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Do not be bullied&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing to remember in all areas of life where you face confrontation is to stand your ground.  In this situation should you change your diet or eating habits to appease the few it will show you as weak and give the impression that you are easily bullied. This would be especially bad in the workplace so make sure you stand your ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep eating the cheese, although do have consideration for the rest of the office if it is a particularly pungent variety. Load up on the meat sandwiches and remember that sausage rolls, jerky or even scotch eggs make for a tasty afternoon snack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The farming of animal products actually helps to sustain and grow animal populations. If we all stopped eating meat we could see a dramatic population reduction in farmable breeds. Their grazing land would be needed for growing vegetables and domesticated animals do not fare well in the wild. If everyone in the world turned vegan tomorrow within our lifetime it could lead to the next mass extinction event on this planet as farm animals go into massive decline.  This is one truth that many vegans fail to acknowledge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2880" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:30:28.280" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:30:28.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-10T14:20:14.543" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from the Netherlands, about 60KM away from the Belgian border, and I'm not aware that it would be rude to ask such questions here or in any of the countries around me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what might cause this? I know quite some people people that say they 'need' to go on holidays and far journeys to get away from home, from the stress of everyday life. When they have a week off from work, they can't even stand to stay home, they need to be 'out' on a journey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can imagine that such people don't want to be reminded of home, and just want to submerge in the journey as much as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But of course, this completely differs per person. Personally I love to be at home, in my own house, and although I like to discover other countries and cultures bit by bit, I don't mind thinking or talking about home at all, and I don't mind if someone just tries to make conversation or is really interested in my country. I'm happy to answer any question about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just came back from a holiday to other countries nearby (Germany and Denmark), and I got this question all the time, usually followed by some attempts to say one or two words in Dutch, so I'm not aware of any taboo in our area about asking such questions, and apparently the various hosts on my holiday neither. I would say it is even considered polite to show interest in people one way or another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2875" LastEditorUserId="2875" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T14:25:52.643" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T14:25:52.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T14:27:05.737" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel the problem with such questions, even more so with women, is that they can have many meanings, from &quot;Really just your honest opinion about my hair&quot; to &quot;Do you think I'm generally attractive?&quot; to even &quot;Do you (still) care about/love me?&quot;. You need to know the person to understand the question that is being asked, and answer that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's OK to tell honestly if you don't like the new hairdo, even if the other person is a bit hurt – a sane person should be able to accept that other people have different viewpoints, especially if they asked for them. But you can still turn the situation into a positive one by addressing the underlying questions and feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a direct person, it's also fair if you don't want to play that game. In many situations I would probably a tongue-in-cheek answer that I'd like it longer, so it's easier to pull. In a way, you give a &quot;male&quot; answer to a &quot;female&quot; question to make clear you're not interested in playing by someone else's rules, and don't want to be dragged into that conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2878" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T14:27:05.737" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-10T14:34:41.493" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two ways to ask this depending on what information you want to know and why. It also depends on whether the question is asked during friendly conversation or is asked during a grilling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you just curious because you like to meet people from different cultures, or are you just being nosy, or might report them to someone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience in Brazil, it depends on the wording of the question for how the question is answered. If a hotel clerk or customs agent asks someone where they are from, they might answer where they arrived in Brazil from or what country they are living in now. That doesn't necessarily mean what their citizenship is and may not match their passport.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But they may also think you are asking what country their national heritage is. In general, some people may be wary of providing information about their citizenship or nationality in turbulent political environments or for fear of harassment. So while their response may seem rude to you, it may mean they are just being careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if they need to answer a legal question by a customs agent or the police, that is, of course, to be expected and they will comply with that information without hesitation. In your conversations with tourists, be clear about what information you want to know: where are they from (city they live in, country of origin, cultural background, where have they lived to get that accent, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2885" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T14:43:46.593" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T14:43:46.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T15:35:40.223" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can tell her in this way:&#xA;If there are two types of haircut say A and B and she has the A now but you like the B, then, tell her in this way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are looking very nice. I think you'll look extraordinary(or any cool adjective for girls' beauty) if you have a haircut B. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I tried it more than three times to a female friend and co-worker. Every time it worked more than I expected.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She reacted in such a way that she appreciated my opinion. &#xA;Because my way of telling her about changing her haircut expresses that I care for her. &#xA;If a girl thinks something is impeding her looking good, she must change that thing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/WBUN3.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/WBUN3.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;enter image description here&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2779" LastEditorUserId="2779" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T11:23:18.930" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T11:23:18.930" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="31" CreationDate="2017-08-10T16:07:41.740" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there's one very important thing that others have missed. In my life, I've found this is the answer 99% of the time. I'm very passionate about sharing this thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a rule: &lt;strong&gt;when in doubt, turn the conversation back on the other person or mirror their statements&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: &quot;I can't believe FC Dynamo Kiev lost their last match&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &quot;Me either, that last goal was embarrassing&quot; &lt;em&gt;then, turn it back on them&lt;/em&gt; &quot;Where did you watch the game at?&quot; &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; &quot;Can you remember a worse loss?&quot; **&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conversations aren't just statements back and forth, it's about two people interacting emotionally&lt;/strong&gt;. What emotion are they expressing during your conversation? Are they bored, angry, upset, sleepy? Figure out that emotion, and steer your own statements in that direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does the person want to keep talking? Are they saying few words? Are they facing away from you? They might not want to talk anymore, as the other answers said. They might be tired and want you to do more talking. Do they like the topic you're on? Do they show more interest when you mention a different topic? Are they focused on something? A picture, their watch, the sky? What might they be thinking about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keeping your mind externally focused makes conversation easier&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.positivityblog.com/focus-outward-to-win-friends-and-improve-your-people-skills/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;More info on that&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T08:30:09.227" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T08:30:09.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T16:14:25.753" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can &lt;strong&gt;compliment them without lying&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find something positive to say, not about your own feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say that the haircut is fashionable, lighter, darker, expressive, fun. &lt;strong&gt;Saying something positive isn't a lie, unless you claim to be feeling something when you're not&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Appearances aren't just to entertain other people&lt;/strong&gt; Do you wear clothes, get haircuts, just to make others happy? I expect probably not. Maybe you just like your shirt, jeans, shoes, etc. Maybe you don't care. &lt;strong&gt;Maybe your friend chose her haircut because she liked it, not to make others happy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201107/why-women-have-care-about-their-looks&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Article: Why Women Have to Care About Their Looks&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorDisplayName="user2191" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T17:04:20.083" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T17:04:20.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1573" CreationDate="2017-08-10T16:25:26.790" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually &lt;strong&gt;ignore the second person, and listen to the first. Keep talking to Alice, ignore Mallory for now, except for a quick glance to show you heard her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If I then don't want to talk to Alice, I'll leave that conversation.&lt;/strong&gt; Sometimes, I'll wait for a break, then turn back to Mallory and say &quot;what was it you were saying?&quot; Alice will probably get the hint that you're talking to her now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might have to interrupt Alice, if you want to leave without waiting for her to stop. Say &quot;excuse me, I want to talk to Mallory about something&quot;. I've done this many times, and I've never seen anyone get visibly upset about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're quick and brief, you won't grab the focus in the conversation. You won't have to even verbally acknowledge it. I advocate non-verbal communication on this site because &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-words/201109/is-nonverbal-communication-numbers-game&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;it's very important.&lt;/a&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Source: I grew up with this, my family &amp;amp; friends constantly do this. I'll get two or three people talking at once. (I do it too, lol)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T16:25:26.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1586" CreationDate="2017-08-10T16:31:27.707" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't ask this of a coworker or peer. The reasons are fairly obvious. There may be fears of hygiene, allergies, etc. Plus the problem of insulting someone by suggesting that they don't have enough to eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If&lt;/em&gt; I were to do this, it would be with a homeless person, preferably someone who has already approached me as a beggar. In this case, they've asked you for money or &quot;gifts&quot; and you offer them food instead. In that instance, and &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; in that instance are the above-mentioned issues offset by the fact that someone really doesn't have enough to eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in Mexico City carrying home some uneaten bread from a restaurant. An old woman approached me and asked for a &quot;regalo,&quot; (gift). I offered her my &quot;pan&quot; (bread). She accepted it gratefully and ate it in front of me. I'd rather give the bread to the woman directly than let her fish in out of the garbage bins.She asked for money and I gave her food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T13:49:42.460" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T13:49:42.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1615" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1325" CreationDate="2017-08-10T16:41:22.920" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all: you can't convince those people not to call you, because they are paid for doing it, and are required to do whatever a machine orders them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must understand under what terrible circumstances those people work. They are working for minimal wages, they usually are unable to find any other work because they have no special skills and they come from regions with high unemployment. Their employees make advance of their poor condition and treat them as cheap labor doing work that brings profit only because they cost so little. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can you do is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask where your number comes from. Often they have no information, but in many jurisdictions this is considered criminal activity, so with a bit of luck, you will get an answer about data provider. In many cases you can order such provider to remove your data (ask before, if they got your data from other source). If you are very lucky, you'll remove the source of your problems.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Being less lucky, you're still able to filter out most of such connections. Most of them are so-called mafia numbers (with hidden number). Such numbers can be easily blocked with any blocking program for smartphone. Most others come from big call centers that have a large pool of phone numbers. With a bit of research you can batch-block all such pools.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If someone still got through, even if the call center workers are cheap, they are not free, so the script orders them to disconnect once it's obvious you're not interested. Say clearly that you are not interested with their product.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some of them have utterly stupid scripts, that disallow them to disconnect, even if you say 'no' hundred times, before they read you the whole offer. Usually the only exception are violent threats or sexual harassment (I suppose you don't want to use them). Saying clear and loud 'no' and disconnecting will be a release for both of you. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lobby to your government to force providers to block such calls and provide the facility of suing operators of such business models. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1707" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T16:42:15.667" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T16:42:15.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1586" CreationDate="2017-08-10T16:42:11.313" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to politely ask someone if they want to eat my leftover food?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you can. You can share. Bring food specially cooked for them.&#xA;You wanted to be nice and avoid wasting food. I don't believe it can be done with what's left on one's plate though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, I don't think many people will appreciate being seen/treated as &lt;em&gt;poor, peasant, villein or cottager&lt;/em&gt;. Because that's how they'll feel when offered leftover food, as it was common centuries ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It comes from the middle-age (at least in Europe). It may also have been widely spread in many other countries/cultures in the world. Here are some related readings:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.castlesandmanorhouses.com/life_10_feudal.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Feudal System&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/yDVR4.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The giving of leftovers in medieval England&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;NOTE: Others have already mentioned the factors such as hygiene and allergies, so I'm not repeating that.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: When I first wrote this answer, OP neither mentioned the culture nor the religion. After some research, I think that &lt;strong&gt;maybe&lt;/strong&gt; they have seen what was meant to be nice as just rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Charity (the third pillar of Islam) is given by Muslims to seek forgiveness. The underlying purpose is to assist other Muslims who are in need (it can be about money, clothes, &lt;strong&gt;food&lt;/strong&gt;...etc). Discretion is advised and even favoured when it comes to giving charity. &lt;strong&gt;In other words: charity should be given discretely.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.muslimaid.org/media-centre/blog/charity-in-islam/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Muslim Aid&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T11:52:33.510" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T11:52:33.510" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="130" CreationDate="2017-08-10T16:53:30.893" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I disagree with some of the answers in that &lt;strong&gt;I don't think you owe the person anything, just courtesy&lt;/strong&gt;. It's not your job to protect her from feeling rejection. It's not your job to make her feel attractive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be nice and courteous, don't lie or deceive her, and you have nothing to worry about.&lt;/strong&gt; You can continue to chat with her as a friend, but it might be mean to flirt with her or lead her on. If she asks, you can tell her how you feel. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/2013/05/Are-Women-More-Intuitive-thanMen.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Most women are more attune to emotions than men&lt;/a&gt;, for whatever reason, so she'll probably be able to tell very fast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, women have to deal with &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.dawn.com/news/1339988&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;extreme rejection&lt;/a&gt; from men all the time around the world. If someone is rejected politely and earnestly, their emotions are on them, at the end of the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/10/02/in_defense_of_the_slow_fade_ending_a_casual_relationship_by_failing_to_respond.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Article on why rejection doesn't have to be explicit&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorDisplayName="user2191" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T16:59:56.167" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T16:59:56.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-10T17:00:09.220" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from the Netherlands and when I was in holiday in Turkey I used to get this question all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I noticed that the prices were different for Dutch people compared to Irish people and for Americans the prices were the highest. Usually whatever you answer gives them a good indication for what scam to use or what prices they will ask you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the hotel, the non-Dutch people used to follow us for the reason that we got the lowest price, for example, for a cup of tea or a boat trip. Dutch people are commonly known as cheapskates in these regions. When the street salesmen saw us they yelled: &lt;em&gt;kijken kijken niks kopen&lt;/em&gt;, meaning &lt;em&gt;look look and you don't buy&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps clarify some of the hesitation you see when asking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2902" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T19:50:25.983" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T19:50:25.983" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T17:18:40.710" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say, &quot;The best hairstyle ever.&quot;  Then she says, &quot;Really?&quot;&#xA;&quot;Yeah, it's good.&quot;  She will know whether you like it or not.  Trust me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you marry her and she cooks and says, &quot;Do you like it?&quot;  You say, &quot;It's my favorite.&quot;  You say that every time.  Tell your kids that every meal she makes is their favorite&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, you can never get married, and you can never be happily married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should be able to find something redeeming about what they did.  You're not that difficult to be around are you?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, by the way, who cares what you like.  It is not about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source:  Married a long time.  Worked and been around females for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2906" LastEditorUserId="2906" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T19:22:58.763" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T19:22:58.763" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1586" CreationDate="2017-08-10T17:22:43.907" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, do not offer food that has already been on your plate or has been touched with your eating utensils (fork, etc) after you've taken a bite.  For this to work it needs to be clear that the food you're offering hasn't been touched or eaten from directly - you served from a storage container onto another dish, ate from that dish, and your eating utensils haven't gone back into the food in the storage container.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, in sharing a meal you are sharing your company, not just food.  Make it clear before you start eating that you have more food than what you'll eat, and others are welcome to it so that the offer is made before you start eating and 1) they can clearly see the food you're offering is untouched and 2) they will be eating with you, these aren't leftovers after you're done, these are elements of a shared meal. This should allay any fears about hygiene, as well as prevent them from feeling like you're doing charity or just getting rid of food you don't want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, you need to judge how much you're going to eat prior to serving yourself, and only take what you plan to eat.  You can always move food from the storage container onto your dish later, but you can't take food from someone else, so take what you need, offer the rest, and only take more if they've declined your offer or if they didn't take the remainder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If those conditions are met, then a simple invitation should be enough, offered any time before you take your first bite:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I packed too much food, this (gesture to the container where the remainder is, perhaps describe what it is if it's not obvious) is available if you are interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When finished, pack up everything and thank them for spending time with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T19:33:58.253" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T19:33:58.253" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1622" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-10T17:24:18.320" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not many of these excellent answers have directly and categorically addressed the specific questions raised by OP:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it in general a bad question to ask westerners? And is it especially bad when they're touring, say, India? Also, what's a better approach to know where they're from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have an intense dislike of travelling myself and have never been outside South India, but when a team of European-looking experts visited my home town to teach us about advanced techniques in Solid Waste Management, I did interact with them a fair bit, without being ever tempted to ask &amp;quot;where are you from&amp;quot; -- why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Because I don't need to know!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We Indians being naturally friendly and also generally self-confident in our national identity would ask such a question simply out of curiosity and/or as a conversation-starter, but it is a basic rule of politeness that you don't ask a stranger about too many things that they don't volunteer to tell you themself. As somebody has already noted in an answer here, &lt;em&gt;some Westerners are intensely private and dislike any such questions,&lt;/em&gt; but I believe it is an especially pertinent question to be asked when you are visiting a foreign country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So it is not really a bad question to ask a Westerner visiting a country like India, but this is how I should 'politely' approach the topic with a western-looking foreign visitor:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Welcome to India and I hope you enjoy your visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Foreign visitor: India is such a nice country!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Thank you. I am sure your country is just as nice too... (note: this is an obvious invitation to talk about where they are from.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Situation 1: Visitor 'takes the bait' which means they don't mind talking about their country --&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Visitor: Oh yes it is! I am from Canada.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I have relatives living in Vancouver, BC. Many Indians have emigrated to Canada, especially from Punjab. So Canada is much loved in India!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Visitor: I am from Toronto myself, but BC is a wonderful place indeed...(etc, etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Situation 2: Visitor does not take the bait and evades or changes the subject. In that case it would be polite of me to not press the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T18:36:15.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1623" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-10T17:36:13.393" Score="16" ViewCount="653" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been learning English on the internet for many years, but it is still very difficult to understand me sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that using English daily is best, and especially on Stack Overflow. I've improved a lot, and I'm really thankful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I'm concerned &lt;strong&gt;whether it is rude of me to post when my English needs a lot of help.&lt;/strong&gt; Should I not post at all?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2903" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T23:41:10.947" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T11:44:21.813" Title="Is it rude to post on an English site when my English needs a lot of improvement?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-10T08:09:55.493" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1573" CreationDate="2017-08-10T18:35:24.860" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had this happen and it's very difficult. I would try less direct first and then escalate as necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;First use your body language to show where your attention is and isn't.  Look at Alice and keep Mallory out of your line of vision -- even peripheral if you can.  If she pokes you, gently brush her away without looking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she continues more than twice after that or escalates, look at her very briefly and show the quiet sign.  She probably will ignore it since she's deliberately trying to pull attention away from Alice and even your quiet sign is attention.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she continues after that, say &quot;sorry, Alice.&quot; Then look directly at Mallory and say &quot;I'm trying to hear Alice. Hang on.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Worst case scenario, say &quot;sorry&quot; to Alice and look at Mallory and say &quot;I really want to hear this, can you please stop?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2870" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T18:35:24.860" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1623" CreationDate="2017-08-10T18:52:04.337" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As regards SO, the preference of SO is that this question is asked on SO Meta and not here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On most other English language sites, the preference is for you to post in &quot;poor&quot; English, over a non-English language, or not at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, there are non-English language sites where posting in that language is not only tolerated but preferred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; cases, follow the expressed preference of the site.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T18:52:04.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1354" CreationDate="2017-08-10T19:01:29.517" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In crowded places where it's not clear if everyone is expected to walk on the right (or left in the UK), the coordination happens unconsciously in the following way: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While approaching, the persons at a certain distance briefly make eye contact, signaling that they have seen each other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, each one is looking in the direction in which they intend to go. There may be some iterations, if the glances signal a collision course. Stubbornly looking in one direction can help to make it clear which way you are set to follow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is very crowded, it also helps to look down. This signals that you are unable to determine where everyone else is going and it will make them stay clear of your path. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, the latter is somewhat impolite and wouldn't work if everyone were doing it. But it is surprisingly effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T19:43:37.360" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T19:43:37.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1630" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T19:41:46.580" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, if it wasn't asked (directly or indirectly), it's not &lt;em&gt;necessary&lt;/em&gt; to give your opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if you interact with that person and wants to give her a thing that won't cost you a thing and will make her feel good. then go on and say something nice about the new haircut. Except in few cases, she chose the new style, though it would look good or great, and might be expecting to have (positive) reactions that will improve her mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, say something like &quot;your new haircut is good&quot;, &quot;I like your new haircut&quot;, &quot;oh, I see that you just changed your hair&quot;, and smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2391" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T19:41:46.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-10T19:56:01.187" Score="1" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she asks, be honest, as in &quot;I don't care for it.  In my personal opinion, I think women are more attractive with long hair.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she's a sane human being, that'll be the end of the conversation&#xA;and you can judge whether she values your opinion in the months to&#xA;follow.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she blows up at you for giving your opinion when asked for it,&#xA;then you know she may be the type of irrational person that is prone&#xA;to insanity.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't ask, continue about your day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only irrational people put words and meanings into others' mouths. &#xA;If she assumes like/dislike without asking you such, she is&#xA;overthinking the situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she wants your opinion or is shamelessly fishing for a compliment,&#xA;she'll ask.  Refer to #1 at that point.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you're married to her, forget #1 and #2.  Preemptively strike with, &quot;Please refer to paragraph 4, line 32 of our prenuptial.  I look forward to our nightly relations until your hair grows back.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2921" LastEditorDisplayName="user2921" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T20:40:41.593" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T20:40:41.593" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1556" CreationDate="2017-08-10T20:24:45.490" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given that they are consistent, then it's probably time for you to start being consistent.  Whenever they say the first sentence about your food habits, interrupt them with one of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We've had this discussion already.  Is there something else you need to discuss?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I remember when we talked about this last.  Is there something else you need to discuss?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I appreciate your zeal on this topic, but I'm not interested in discussing my diet with you.  Is there something else you need to discuss?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm still not interested in your diet and won't be anytime soon.  If I change my mind I'll come to you, until then please do not discuss your diet with me again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've asked you not to discuss your diet with me. Please find someone else to talk to about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you continue to bring up your diet with me I'll have to have a discussion with our leadership or HR, this feels a lot like harassment with you preaching your morality and beliefs.  Do you understand that I do not wish to discuss this with you again? The next time you do I will escalate this issue.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let's go to our boss/HR and continue this conversation there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They should get the hint and either change the subject or leave. If they don't, repeat and escalate until the problem is resolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally they will get the hint with the first few statements, but if they persist it's clearly become an issue of workplace harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly suggest you start keeping a log of when and where it occurs, who tries talking to you about it, and what they say.  Even if it seems resolved after a few times of the above statements they may try again a month or two later, and having a record will show a clear pattern of workplace proselyting such that you should be able to get them to completely stop once the record is brought to your boss or HR. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T20:24:45.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1633" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1636" CreationDate="2017-08-10T20:33:05.040" Score="9" ViewCount="8087" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an adult male living in the US, in case it matters. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, there's something I do when walking past people on a (not too busy) sidewalk or in a hallway, where I will make eye contact with them, smile and nod, and then look away. Often, they will do the same. It seems to me like the purpose of this exchange is to reassure the other person that you are friendly and aware enough of your surroundings to not run into them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like to perform this exchange whenever the situation occurs. The problem I sometimes run into is not knowing when to try to make eye contact. The way I see it, I can either :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;not try to make eye contact at all (which would be rude)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;stare them down until they look at me (which would be creepy/intimidating), or &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;glance at them a couple times and nod if I see them looking back (which is what I do currently). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm wondering is if there's a proper way to handle this. I feel like what I do doesn't work as often as it should, and would like to complete this exchange whenever the other person attempts it (so I don't cause them to run into the same problem). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, am I doing this right? And/or is there anything I could do to increase the chances of success? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I noticed &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/564/when-is-it-appropriate-to-look-into-peoples-eyes-while-walking-on-street&quot;&gt;this question about whether this exchange should happen at all&lt;/a&gt;, in this case I'm confident that it should and would like to maximize the chance of success and minimize the chance of discomfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="351" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-10T20:46:21.280" LastActivityDate="2020-12-09T21:37:57.450" Title="When should I make eye contact with someone I intend to walk past?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1633" CreationDate="2017-08-10T22:05:46.307" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your method seems about right. Staring at anyone is creepy, and not looking at all prevents you from seeing how they behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would, a few seconds before passing by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Turn my head (with an obvious motion, to draw attention) in their direction, and look them in the eyes for half a second. This is mainly so they see that you're looking at them. Big, obvious motions are easier to pick up in the peripheral vision.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Look slightly away and down a few degrees, as to not stare at them. Something like shoulder/arm height. You're still close enough to easily see what they do.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they look up at you, look back and smile at them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2418" LastEditorUserId="21102" LastEditDate="2018-08-25T11:37:54.320" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T11:37:54.320" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1573" CreationDate="2017-08-10T22:20:18.173" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want Mallory to stop, without interrupting Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice has already been interrupted, because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mallory simply starts talking to me (directly, and just to me). She speaks in a loud voice, telling me the same old stories she already told me a thousand times&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no reason to be respectful to someone who is being rude on purpose. Therefore, you need to split the people present into categories. People you care about, and people you don't care about. Mallory belongs in the second category, therefore you are free to say whatever you want to her as long as you achieve your purpose, which is to shut her up. If you show restraint and don't send her back home crying, that's you being extra nice. You don't have to. It's up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation is similar to when I'm discussing business on the phone, and someone walks into the room and interrupts. In this case, I will stare pointedly into the interrupter's eyes, while politely talking into the phone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, someone is making noise, so I missed what you said. Just wait a sec, they're leaving.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I turn around. It is important to make the interrupting person feel that they're unwelcome, that they don't matter, because that serves the purpose of making them go away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We are talking about adults here (including Mallory).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, not everyone is an adult. Mallory is behaving like a spoiled brat. Treat her as such. It is important to be fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T22:20:18.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="210" CreationDate="2017-08-10T23:04:06.373" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Say I am meeting a friend of a friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a random nobody. You don't care about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: So I like programming.&#xA;  New friend: Oh, that's a loss of time. What I like doing is...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to their tripe. Then give them the googly eyes. &quot;So you don't like intellectual chalenges?&quot; (let the silence draw on for three seconds as it sinks in).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-08-10T23:04:06.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1641" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1623" CreationDate="2017-08-10T23:12:17.290" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not necessarily, &lt;em&gt;rude&lt;/em&gt;, but it can be very difficult for other users of the community to understand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On any sort of network that uses a single-language, such as Stack Exchange, posts that don't demonstrate a native proficiency of the language can often get mixed reception. What this means, is that some people will appreciate the post, whereas others will not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Posting, therefore, isn't rude - it's actually what these communities are designed for. They &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; you to ask questions. What is rude, is if you don't make an effort to contribute a high-quality question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some cases, the lack of language proficiency can make the question viewed as a low-quality question (though I personally believe that on SE, it wouldn't make it low quality). What you need to do, is improve your question, and try to do it before you post it. Never be afraid to ask for assistance!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your community has a chatroom, such as Stack Exchange, then ask in that chatroom how to best phrase your question. If you don't get much feedback there, then post your question. Be sure to stick around in the moments after you post it, and to check back regularly to see if any users post feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But otherwise, always post your question! You post a question to learn. The fact that you have learned English to participate is also very admirable. Keep it up!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T11:44:21.813" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T11:44:21.813" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1642" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1648" CreationDate="2017-08-10T23:50:07.423" Score="8" ViewCount="851" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 21-year-old college student who's currently working almost 1000 miles away from home (From CA, currently residing in Seattle, WA) for an internship. I don't know exactly why, but I am extremely unhappy with the current state of my life, and I believe that I have a lot of mental health problems surfacing that I should get addressed by a therapist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I am fully capable of paying out of pocket, I want to save money where I can. So, I want to check if therapy is covered in some way under my health insurance. My health insurance plan is owned by my parents and I do not know any of the details regarding it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my dilemma is that I want to see if I can save money on therapy, but I'm not quite ready to bring up this sensitive subject with my parents. They have a tendency to overreact, so I don't want them losing sleep over my personal issues that I am actively looking for help with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2948" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T05:23:15.353" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:23:15.353" Title="Should I ask my parents if our insurance covers therapy?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2018-02-19T08:12:41.437" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1307" CreationDate="2017-08-11T00:12:04.097" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't change other people.  You can only change how you respond to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She obviously isn't feeling the same amount of pressure about these things as you are. First, try to set up your life together so that there is the highest likelihood of cooperation. Divide chores in a way that makes it most likely that she'll do her part (e.g. make a list and each pick half the chores; each do your chores on the same days/times; sit down once per week to make the grocery list/todo list together).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Divide the &quot;things that need to get done&quot; into two categories:  1) things that affect you directly 2) things that don't affect you directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she forgets something from category #2, do nothing.  Let events take their course and then offer empathy and help that does not involve solving her problems for her - like offering to go along to the DMV for company. Try your very hardest not to take it on for her.  It's her problem and she can solve it. &quot;Wow that sucks that you have to take the bus. Is there anything I can do to help?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she forgets something from category #1 tell her how you feel and how it has affected you.  &quot;I feel uncomfortable and insignificant when you don't do the wash that you've agreed to and I have no clean underwear. I want you to do the laundry regularly since you agreed to do it.&quot; &quot;Pre-minding&quot;her (before she's actually forgotten) or reminding her can make her feel nagged and infantilized.  That's not good for your relationship. You're the boyfriend, not the parent. If she really can't get it together, maybe living together's not a great idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2870" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T00:12:04.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1642" CreationDate="2017-08-11T02:31:17.307" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You wrote, &quot;My health insurance plan is owned by my parents&quot;. This is not true. You are &lt;em&gt;covered&lt;/em&gt; by their plan but as an adult, your medical history should not (probably cannot) be shared without your permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The law defining this in the US is &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.hhs.gov/hipaa/index.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;HIPAA&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;. With that information, you should contact the insurance company directly. Your insurance card will have contact information.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;They can tell you what coverage is available, and you should ask if there is a possibility that claims info. would be sent to your parents (or how otherwise to keep your treatment information confidential).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the situation with your parents, if you are comfortable discussing your health issues with them you should. I think most parents worry about their children regardless, and would certainly want you to be healthy rather than unhealthy. You have to decide this part based on your relationship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other options might be paying for any such health care on your own (as you mentioned), or getting your own private insurance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T11:55:06.097" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T11:55:06.097" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1651" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-11T03:07:08.007" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First I'll let you know: I'm not a Westerner but anyway would like to answer this question in broader terms. I feel this question is not limited to Westerners, even if it has a chance that collectively Westerners are more prone to dislike it. In fact I'm a perpetual traveler from one of Asian countries who travel around Europe now, but people sometimes ask me this question!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question, sorry, &lt;strong&gt;some people don't like this question.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also don't like it and get upset if asked by a stranger. The biggest reason is that &lt;strong&gt;it is too boring a question&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although this question feels a one-off for you, the traveler would get asked so, so many times by others, both locals and fellow travelers. So some of them get upset easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, the question is followed up by another set of boring questions, such as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How many days/From when do you live/travel here?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you like food in this country?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How do you think this country?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why do you like this country?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc, etc...; Then, depending on the answer, it would be followed up by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;But in your country it is ~~~.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is pretty boring for me, and I get upset with answering the same question exactly in the same way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another reason some people don't like it is the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They don't like to get categorized/stereotyped&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They don't like their own country so don't like it to be followed up by how good you think their country is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not only &quot;where are you from&quot;, but generally it is rude to ask private questions in their culture or in their views&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They don't like you to change your behavior once you know where they are from (FYI I feel very nervous to answer it in a country where reportedly many people hate my country)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, to answer this question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also, what's a better approach to know where they're from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't like the question because it is too boring (like me), try using a different, more informative question, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In what aspects do you think India is similar to your country?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people start to tell you where they are from; even if not, you can guess from their answers. I prefer this type of questions to the boring &quot;where are you from&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T03:07:08.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1654" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1642" CreationDate="2017-08-11T06:00:08.347" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As real estate guru, Robert Allen would say, &quot;there are only two answers to the question, and one of them is great.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More to the point, your parents would want to know that &quot;I am extremely unhappy with the current state of my life, and I believe that I have a lot of mental health problems surfacing that I should get addressed by a therapist.&quot; If they knew, they would do everything to get you a therapist, insurance coverage or no. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, they might overreact, but you really need to take them into your confidence at such a critical time. This is no time to prevent them from &quot;losing sleep.&quot; Instead, it might bring you all together, because there are few things that they care about more in life than you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is going to come out sooner or later. It would be better for everyone concerned if it came out sooner. That way everyone will have more time to adjust. The longer you wait, the more damage there will be when things do come to a head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T06:00:08.347" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1586" CreationDate="2017-08-11T09:22:03.203" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Don't present it as something lesser&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone told me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you want this food, &lt;strong&gt;because I don't want it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could imagine that I would consider that impolite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead present the food as something better, not something you would like to dump and need someone to be the trash can. Try this (and mean it!):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I am really happy with how my lasagna came out yesterday and I brought some. Would you like to try?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally I would recommend you to share the food, and not give all of it away as again that may suggest that you don't want it for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Top dog eats first&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more subtle problem, that may or may not have been relevant in your situation, is that instinctively less important people eat later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you were to offer to share food (even in a clean way) AFTER you already started to eat it (or even after you allocated an amount to yourself), unconsciously the person may feel like he is being placed beneath you by getting the food from you 'at your convenience'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I would ideally recommend you to agree whom you share it with before even putting something on your own plate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Note on your situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this assumes a fresh start, as you already had a rough start with your colleague it may be good to first wait a while (until the moment is pretty much forgotten) and then ease him into it. For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I am really happy with how my lasagna came out yesterday and I brought some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And only if he actually shows interest, you will then gently offer it to him. If he remains neutral, just try again some other time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2983" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T15:54:39.620" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1656" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1658" CreationDate="2017-08-11T10:24:00.390" Score="7" ViewCount="659" Body="&lt;p&gt;We're from Poland. I invited my colleague to my house with a proposition of drinking beer, which I had brought from abroad. At first, he said he is interested but a couple of days later, he proposed to change the place and let the meeting be at his house instead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is that rude? I felt that I should refuse this change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel comfortable going to his house for beers, but in this particular situation, I thought he might be kind of lazy to accept my invitation and visit me. We weren't talking about driving back home. He asked politely and said that his flatmates are out of the home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2984" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T14:12:45.547" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T00:02:48.817" Title="Is it rude when a colleague I invited to my house proposes the meeting be at his house instead?" Tags="&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;poland&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-11-15T15:03:34.747" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1623" CreationDate="2017-08-11T11:32:45.243" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm concerned whether it is rude of me to post when my English needs a lot of help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;No, it's not.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's never rude if you are trying to the best of your ability. Nobody is perfect, and for the majority of people, English is not a native language. It would be rude to expect everybody else to speak your language, it's pretty much the opposite of rude to try and speak a foreign language so the other participants in the communication can understand you better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;However&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important part here is &amp;quot;to the best of your ability&amp;quot;. It &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; rude, for beginners and native speakers alike, to not invest the time needed when sending a message. For example, spellcheckers come at zero cost, inbuilt into pretty much any modern browser. It is in no way rude to make a mistake because you did not know better. I consider it &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; rude when people make mistakes that their computer would have &lt;em&gt;told&lt;/em&gt; them were mistakes, but they decided to &lt;em&gt;ignore&lt;/em&gt; it and send the message anyway. That is not an honest mistake, that is a message between the lines saying &amp;quot;As the sender, I could not be bothered to send a clear message, please waste your time on the receivers end to figure out what I meant&amp;quot;. &lt;em&gt;That&lt;/em&gt; is rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Write the best messages your skills in that language allow, then use the available tools to check yourself before sending it. People will accept beginners (we all were or are), but people &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; recognize the difference between beginner and lazy. Don't be lazy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2706" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T11:41:16.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1656" CreationDate="2017-08-11T11:44:08.533" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; wouldn't see it as him being rude if this is the first time he's changed the plans, he might just have different comforts at his place and might be taking the opportunity of having his flatmates away for you both to have a better time or he might just not like being away from home when he's drinking, there could be several reasons (I won't delve too deep into them here, you'd have to find out that for yourself). I'm not sure how much distance there is between your two's houses, but if it was me I would still try and get him to come over to your place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd normally entice my friends with the comforts I have at home such as a games console, or that I have a projector so we can watch films/play games on a big screen. But in this case it's imported beer and good company (?), so you could say something along the lines of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've got the beer, you've got the company. Let's make a night of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a two-way street really, you're providing the luxury of free imported beers and you both have the pleasure of spending some time together outside the work setting. If he persists on trying to get the evening over to his place, just politely decline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want there to be potential for a next time, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's a shame because I was hoping we'd be able to relax, have some beers and you'd finally get to see my place. Maybe next time, though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way he'll get the hint that you want to be the host and provide the entertainment, but you're also doing it in a way that doesn't burn any bridges by encouraging there be a next time, if and when he decides he wants to come over to yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if you feel he isn't making enough effort in the here and now and someone else is worth the imported beers, you could just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but I was hoping we'd be able to relax, have some beers and&#xA;  you'd finally get to see my place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T15:14:55.223" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T15:14:55.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1659" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-11T13:29:33.947" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T13:29:33.947" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T13:29:33.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1660" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-11T13:29:33.947" Score="0" Body="Questions for where a person lacks the required proficiency in the language to communicate effectively in a situation. For more general questions, please use the [language] tag instead." OwnerUserId="16" LastEditorUserId="16" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T14:19:00.207" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T14:19:00.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="193" CreationDate="2017-08-11T14:41:00.563" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the apology was enough to resolve the man's social obligation for bumping into you, then &quot;No worries&quot; is the best choice.  It simply says that there is no need for further discussion or interaction about it.  The man should not worry that there is something else that needs to be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also show concern for him.  &quot;I'm ok. Are you ok?&quot;  -- Is it possible that he barged because he lost his footing or was hurt in the process?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2870" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T14:41:00.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-08-11T14:57:36.517" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a relative who does this and it is excruciating.  I don't want to just agree, because often I disagree vehemently.  Also, I know that if I agreed, they'd flip to the other opinion or find a reason to claim that I hadn't thought of something.  So, my strategy is to avoid comparing opinions and NEVER ask for agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Instead of &quot;Did you hear of Hyperloop, designed by Elon Musk? Sounds promising, don't you think?&quot;  say &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I think Hyperloop, designed by Elon Musk, sounds promising.&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;  If they disagree, simply ask &quot;&lt;strong&gt;what makes you say that?&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you don't want to know their opinion, don't ask for it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you want to know their opinion without the debate ask, &quot;What do you think of X?&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2870" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T14:57:36.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1664" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1489" CreationDate="2017-08-11T16:32:25.440" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to provide an alternative view on this, because this is my exact style of humour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I go for shock value in things I say.  One of the key things in comedy is a subversion of expectations, and - to me - there's no greater expectation to subvert than societal norms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will challenge friends to races, threaten to break their bones, utter disparaging remarks regarding humankind or subsections of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It gets genuine laughs because my friends expect it and understand very well when I'm joking.  I've met people who don't enjoy this style of humour, and simply don't include them in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you should explain to this person that his style of humour not only doesn't work for you, but gets you down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3014" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T16:32:25.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="30" CreationDate="2017-08-11T16:42:40.957" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Only use a title or prefix if someone has already used it for themselves. If my child's teacher sends home a letter signed &quot;Mrs. Crabapple&quot;, then I would address her in an email as &quot;Mrs. Crabapple&quot;. It's much harder to offend people by referring to them the way they refer to themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3010" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-01-14T03:35:00.627" LastActivityDate="2019-01-14T03:35:00.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1666" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-11T16:55:42.340" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;For some, asking &quot;Where you are from&quot; feels too direct and personal. I personally do not see it as particularly (or for that matter anywhere near) impolite or rude, but those who are protective of their personal life might. Some alternative ways could be &quot;Where are you guys traveling from?&quot;, that has a slightly less personal touch to it. or you could build up to it by asking questions like &quot;What brings you guys here? Vacation? Food? Family, etc&quot; and based on how comfortable and open their answers are, you can gauge their responses and see if it feels appropriate to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3016" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T16:55:42.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-11T17:03:23.827" Score="3" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Respond to the topic, not the question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't take the question too literally. People often say things that need to be translated, so to speak. A simple example is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Literal question: &amp;quot;Good morning. How are you?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Literal answer (bad): &amp;quot;I have a headache and my mother is dying of cancer.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of responding to the literal question, try to understand the purpose of the utterance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Underlying question: &amp;quot;Please acknowledge my presence and give me an overall indication of your mood so I can interact with you.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Appropriate answer: &amp;quot;I'm good! How are you?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, this is clear, it's very basic to social skills-- answering literally is almost never a good idea with pleasantries like this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;About her hair&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now let's talk about hair:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Literal question: &amp;quot;How do you like my new hair?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Literal answer (bad): &amp;quot;I hate it. I like long hair.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, there is no reason to put anyone through that.  Here's how I would interpret it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Underlying question: &amp;quot;Please acknowledge that you noticed my hair, and that it is socially appropriate, so I don't need to be insecure about it.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Appropriate answer: &amp;quot;Cool, looks like you're doing the Emma Watson thing. Pulling...it...off!!!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't really lying, and honestly, you're not dodging the (real) question either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are a few more examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Looking pretty sharp!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Well that ought to catch the eye of {name of potential mate she is interested in}!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;That looks like it will be so much more comfortable in this heat! Whew! Did you know it was 108 degrees yesterday?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The nice thing about that last example is that it also changes the topic, getting you out of a potentially awkward conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What if she truly wants your personal opinion?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is actually rare, but it does come up sometimes, for example, if she has an important interview or other event and needs true feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; verify that this is the case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you really want my honest answer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you should always soften the blow. The way to soften the blow with criticism is with to attribute the cause to something that is external or global, as opposed to something that is specifically always her fault. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people like it, but it's not my thing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(i.e. it's me, not you)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's decent, but I've seen you with better haircuts for sure&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(i.e. it's this specific cut, it's not your sense of style in general)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2029" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T18:14:48.757" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2017-08-11T17:15:45.910" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you are dealing with a person &lt;strong&gt;who always want to 'prove' you wrong&lt;/strong&gt;, the strategy that you adopt depends on &lt;strong&gt;what you want to do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you don't want a war&lt;/strong&gt; - Don't even talk to them as far as possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you want a war but no major bloodshed&lt;/strong&gt; - As it is mentioned in many answers, don't reveal your point of view first. Let them reveal their stance first and then make your move against it. However, the biggest limitation to this technique is that you can't always control this as most of our conversations are not planned to this extent. &#xA;You may just say anything which can reveal your opinion and it may be used against you. Moreover, always confining your opinion in front of them can be emotionally exhausting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I should carry an umbrella today. I think it will rain today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Nah! I have seen such clouds a million times. Only a fool will carry an umbrella in such a weather. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you want a win-win situation after full on war:&lt;/strong&gt;  Use their own arguments as a question rephrased against them. This is based on the premise that &lt;em&gt;the more one speaks the easier it gets to defeat them.&lt;/em&gt; So, the only thing you have to do is to make them speak and speak and speak. The arsenals that you can use in this technique are &lt;strong&gt;labeling&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;strategic silence.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Labeling-&lt;/strong&gt; Rephrasing a part of their sentence as a question against them to make them reveal more and more. Use the subsequent answers to ask more questions and then either eventually maneuvering them towards your own viewpoint or just leaving the topic at a point where they don't have anything more to say. If you find their answer insufficient to ask anything, just be silent and look at them. This is the &lt;strong&gt;strategic silence&lt;/strong&gt; and in most of the cases, they will start telling even more. Also, keep a few insignificant points at your side to avoid suspicion.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Did you hear of Hyperloop, designed by Elon Musk? Sounds&#xA;  promising, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Are you kidding me? That sort of technology has been proven to be &#xA;  infeasible by scientists at MIT!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Proven to be infeasible?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Yes, I heard it from one of my friend in college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; (Silent looking)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; He had read about it in the newspaper a few days ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; In the newspaper? I didn't find it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Yes it was there. He was very sure about it. Also, he told me that tests in MIT are still going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Tests are still going on? So isn't their finding final?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; No it is final but they want to reveal even more information about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Information?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess now you get it where it is going.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Such a maneuvering will give them the impression that the result of this conversation is their own view point and so it needs not be contradicted.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3015" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T20:07:25.817" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T20:07:25.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1670" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1672" CreationDate="2017-08-11T17:58:36.657" Score="3" ViewCount="851" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am the Vice President of Recruitment for my fraternity at my university and at the moment recruitment is a very important element, as we are only two years old. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The chapter I am a part of is a &quot;restart&quot; of a chapter that had been there for many years, but got kicked off campus year earlier. Because of this, the alumni association is very strong and very determined to build a successful chapter. I have a mentor who I talk to almost weekly about strategy as well as the state of the chapter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my position, I am not supposed to be contacted directly by alumni yet this is not the case. I often receive long texts and emails from different alumni asking about how recruitment is going and also with tips and advice, very little of which is helpful or something I do not already know. I sometimes get requests for conference calls with them about recruitment but the calls are often at least an hour and consist of them just telling me I need to recruit, and this is something I clearly know and have been doing successfully. It is beginning to feel like it is not even student run anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I absolutely understand why the alumni do this, they are very passionate and have a right to be; however, the constant contact is a hindrance and an annoyance. I have talked to the president of the chapter about this since he is supposed to be the one in close contact with alumni. I have also talked to my mentor but neither option has improved the situation. I am not sure if the alumni do not listen to my mentor or if he is just not telling them what I have told him. I am considering telling the alumni directly but I do not want to come off as ungrateful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a good plan of action in tackling this problem? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2662" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:15:00.363" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T15:30:18.070" Title="How do I stop my fraternity alumni from contacting me about recruitment?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1671" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1673" CreationDate="2017-08-11T18:12:25.857" Score="19" ViewCount="30522" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a conversation recently where someone was deathly afraid of referring to a person by their skin color. It went something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworker: One of the people on the other team came by and said he wanted talk with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: What was his name?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworker: I don't remember. He was kind of tall and had short hair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Not sure who it was. What else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworker: He was at Mary's retirement party and gave a speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Still not sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworker: &lt;em&gt;[leans in and whispers]&lt;/em&gt; He's black.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The coworker clearly thought it was inappropriate to refer to the person as &amp;quot;black&amp;quot;, but felt it necessary to say because no other descriptors were working. They couldn't have referred to this person as &amp;quot;African American&amp;quot;, since they just moved from the Caribbean (the person forgot what country they were from, but knew it wasn't Africa).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be the proper way to refer to a person with dark brown skin who is not African American?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is in the United States. If regional differences matter, this is the Midwest (Ohio), and I'd like to know if it is different in different parts of the country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2309" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T18:00:30.240" Title="What is the right way to refer to someone with dark brown skin who is not African American?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="16" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1672" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1670" CreationDate="2017-08-11T18:21:23.913" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should make a standard response email that basically says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for your input, I will take it into consideration. However, according to rule (insert rule here), I am not supposed to be in direct contact with alumni. If you wish to continue communication, please direct it through (the actual person to contact).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alex&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use something like this as a standard response to everything. Take precautions so you don't get in trouble for talking to them if you aren't supposed to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1833" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T18:58:09.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1671" CreationDate="2017-08-11T18:37:56.493" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;Use &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;black&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; (adjective, the color) itself to describe the person, if absolutely necessary, i.e. &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;black person&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;dark-skinned&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;dark-complexioned&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never refer to them or address them as a black (noun). And completely avoid terms like &lt;em&gt;negro, nigger, colored&lt;/em&gt; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/30999175/warning-why-using-the-term-coloured-is-offensive&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;example from BBC News&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Benedict Cumberbatch has apologised after using the term &quot;coloured&quot; to describe &lt;strong&gt;black actors&lt;/strong&gt;. He was on a US talk show, explaining that there are more opportunities for black actors in Hollywood than the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this from my Indian perspective, and experience otherwise having been to many countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Too much &quot;political correctness&quot; will only lead to &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2015/01/30/382475295/what-research-says-about-the-consequences-of-p-c-culture&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;more confusion&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bj-gallagher/the-problem-political-correctness_b_2746663.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;problems&lt;/a&gt;, and &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.debate.org/opinions/does-political-correctness-do-more-harm-than-good&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;does more harm than good&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T03:01:08.160" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T03:01:08.160" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1676" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-11T19:57:12.123" Score="11" ViewCount="2695" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not the most social of people, but I have a small number of friends and acquaintances. I've been wanting to hold parties at my house for some time, I have a wood-fired oven and would love to make pizzas for everyone, for example. But I've been struggling to even get more than a couple to come, and then I have the opposite problem, there's not enough to make it worth actually setting up a party, so I typically cancel in the hope I can have better luck on another weekend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been organised, I create a telegram group, invite people, make a doodle poll to see when the most people are available, and set a date typically a couple of weeks out or more. But pretty much the week before when I send out a reminder, it seems a lot of them can't make it, they're working the weekend, or they have other plans, or another event comes up that they forgot to mention (they do seem to have much busier social lives than me, to be honest). It always seems sincere enough, I know most of them and I doubt they are doing this deliberately, but it's becoming increasingly annoying to have been looking forward to hosting a party and then having your plans dashed, and disappointing the couple who did express an interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also been wary of inviting &lt;em&gt;too many&lt;/em&gt; people because I wouldn't be able to cater for all of them if they all showed up, plus my house isn't that large so I don't want to be overrun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, all I'd like is to be able to plan and execute a house party that's an appropriate size with a least a couple of weeks advance warning, not just a couple of people but not a huge crowd, something I could plan for numbers (so I could make enough pizza bases or whatever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some further information, the people I invite are typically a mix of locals and those further afield (I don't plan for them to come but I invite them anyway just in case). I do say they can bring friends along long as they tell me first, and I haven't been to many parties at their places, usually because they don't host any. This is in the UK, with people in the 18-30 age group with a common interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3030" LastEditorUserId="3030" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T20:21:19.140" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T06:17:59.303" Title="How to arrange house parties with limited social group and people keep backing out?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1676" CreationDate="2017-08-11T20:35:27.537" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;House parties can be difficult to organise, as you have found. They can involve unknown social rules which can be a concern for many.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it - you're going to someone's home and they are going to host you. That can bring up a lot of questions: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do they expect me to bring anything?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is there a dress code?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Who is providing alcohol?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do they expect me to pay?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What time do I arrive and leave?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Will there be games? I don't like games&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and many more minor considerations that can build up into an unknown environment which may not guarantee fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contrast that to a night out at a pub or dancing. Most people know the rules, they know who is hosting them. there are far fewer unknowns to deal with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As this SE shows, many people struggle in social situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in order to achieve what you are trying then I advise you start smaller. Something with fewer unknowns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: At some point when hanging out with friends you could suggest they come around to yours for lunch. You'll throw some pizzas in your wood stove, you've not had much opportunity to use it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a far easier 'yes' to get. People understand lunch, it is lunch time and they are doing you a favour by letting you play with your oven. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can get people used to the environment, let them see and envision what a party would look like next time you invite them over and remove some of the questions over the social rules around your house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that your friends then invite you somewhere to lunch. It would be a good idea to accept. Setting up reciprocal agreements is a good way to get this kind of thing going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I moved a new valley a few years ago. Over time I started inviting people around for coffees. Then I'd go to theirs for coffees. Then we'd get together for games. Now we stay over at each other's places getting drunk and playing board games. But we built up to it and became used to each others rules and comfortable that we could let our guard down in each other's homes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So: to summarise - don't rush in with a big formal party. it's too scary.&#xA;Start off slow and small and build up over time allowing people to find out your place is fun and relaxed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T19:00:25.693" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T19:00:25.693" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1681" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1556" CreationDate="2017-08-11T21:20:05.973" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The whole group has established where different members stand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not going to change your mind that you wish to eat non-vegan foods, and you aren't interested in becoming vegan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're not going to change their mind that they are vegans and they can and should convert you to being a vegan, no matter how many times you say &quot;No.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing within the interaction is going to change this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;More specifically, your improving your interpersonal and social skills in trying to find a way of saying &quot;No&quot; that vegan evanglists will respect as your legitimate boundary is not going to change the situation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why it is appropriate to bring in HR, or if HR is REALLY clueless, followup on Witan ap Danu's suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If the situation were something that would be improved if only you could learn to say &quot;No&quot; more politely, you would have found it by now and you would never have posted this question because it would have been resolved before this request for help.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;--UPDATE--&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also believe that factory farming is evil, and when I have a say in the matter, I prefer to get the kind of meat and an animal products (and, ideally, plant-based food) available from &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/stores/list&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;your local friendly &lt;del&gt;Whole Paycheck&lt;/del&gt; Whole Foods store&lt;/a&gt;. I wouldn't specifically advise you following my lead in this case, particularly as it might come across as encouragement to further social pressure from your coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mention this briefly; I tried to answer your social question because you explicitly opted-in to advice. I am not interested in advising you about your diet unless you explicitly opt-in to such, and nothing I have seen from you invites comments about &quot;I eat meat but your co-workers are right about factory farming being horrible.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2712" LastEditorUserId="2712" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T19:00:22.357" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T19:00:22.357" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1682" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-11T22:22:07.497" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I bike everyday in front of the Versailles castle and met a lot of tourists who were lost or disorientated (in the streets surrounding the castle). I usually stop to help them and almost every time ask them where they are from, out of sheer curiosity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never had a bad (or even surprised) reaction, no matter the place the tourists were coming from (including Europe).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned in a comment, I have been asked this question a lot as well and was never bored or surprised - this is also one of the reasons people travel for, to chit-chat with the locals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T22:22:07.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1671" CreationDate="2017-08-11T23:21:08.947" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a question that may not have a &quot;single correct answer&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There have been a few different iterations of what is/was politically correct, or socially acceptable, over the years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems, at the moment, &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Person_of_color&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;POC or Person of Color&lt;/a&gt; is an acceptable term in academic and activist circles. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The term &quot;person of color&quot; (plural: people of color, persons of color;&#xA;  sometimes abbreviated POC) is used primarily in the United States&#xA;  to describe any person who is not white. The term encompasses all&#xA;  non-white peoples, emphasizing common experiences of systemic&#xA;  racism. The term may also be used with other collective&#xA;  categories of people such as &quot;communities of color&quot;, &quot;men of color&quot;,&#xA;  and &quot;women of color&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-11T23:46:07.287" LastActivityDate="2017-08-11T23:46:07.287" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1684" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1586" CreationDate="2017-08-12T01:07:46.850" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may be due to a different culture, but as a high-school student in Hungary, while eating with people I know, if I have leftovers I just say something like &quot;Hey, does anyone need a sandwich/piece of meat/cake?&quot; Someone usually takes it, and noone feels offended. Probably because I &lt;em&gt;don't refer to the leftover as &quot;leftover&quot;, rather just as &quot;food to eat&quot;.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Eating leftover of others may feel somewhat degrading. Hell, even the word itself is degrading. This way I just offer a bit of my food. Even if they well know it's (or it'd be) a leftover, it feels much better to accept food I have than food I want to throw away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that very few people would eat from a dish of food (like soup, pasta etc.) you already started consuming, and offering such a dish is indeed frowned upon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3037" LastEditorUserId="3037" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T21:01:20.817" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T21:01:20.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1685" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1671" CreationDate="2017-08-12T02:55:05.240" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the situation you're in, where the point is to use a distinguishing feature to describe the person and you can reasonably trust that they have some African heritage, the best term is &quot;black&quot;. This is, by no means, unanimous. You will find some people who feel that &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; distinguishing of a person by their appearance is inappropriate. Sometimes, however, it becomes at least useful to be able to do this. You may also be better able to use the term as one of several - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The person I saw was a beautiful, tall, black woman with long, straightened hair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note, it's one thing if you're talking about them to someone else. It's another to use this term for them when you're around them. The best person to ask this question - is your coworker. If you inform yourself, you'll be better able to share your information and avoid offending them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some levity in a generally serious situation, I'm going to call on our friends at Saturday Night Live who, just this week, briefly addressed this in a special summer &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVsv2cIi_4U&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Weekend Update&lt;/a&gt;&quot; in a commentary to the NAACP.  At the very beginning of this segment, Michael Che, a black comedian, speaks:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People has issued its first ever travel advisory. Warning people of color of discrimination in Missouri. First of all, NAACP, stop calling us &quot;colored people&quot;. We picked a color a long time ago - it's &quot;black&quot;, okay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I don't think that Michael Che speaks for the entirety of people of African descent, he's got a loud voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said before, some people think that these words are inappropriate and that colors how people act because they don't want to sound racist. I'm going to guess that this contingent is why your coworker acted the way they did. When you read things like this article on &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.spectator.co.uk/2015/01/why-i-feel-a-glimmer-of-sympathy-for-cumberbatch/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Spectator&lt;/a&gt;, it makes it difficult to know how to describe someone who is black. I'll note that this is from the point of view of a white British male. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Apparently the correct term in the USA is not even ‘black’, but ‘people of colour’. Forgive me, but there is no meaningful semantic difference between ‘people of colour’ and ‘coloured people’. Why does one offend, then, when the other does not? Isn’t this a case of confected outrage and manufactured sensitivity?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other problem with &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Person_of_color&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;people of color&lt;/a&gt;&quot; is that it means &quot;anyone not white&quot;, which isn't useful to describe a black person in your situation. If your coworker said &quot;person of color&quot;, they could be talking about someone who is Asian, Hispanic, Indian... anything non-white.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found an &lt;a href=&quot;http://theracecardproject.com/dont-describe-black-people-black/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;interesting discussion&lt;/a&gt; with a story nearly identical to yours, though asking a different question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand why White people do this–fear of being labeled as a Racist. My question is, does it really offend Black people if someone describes them as Black? Or is that just White people’s perception?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One responder, Emmaline, makes this related remark:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I use the term &quot;Black&quot; because not everyone identifies as African --even if their primary ancestors may have originated from Africa, their family has lived for many generations in the Caribbean Islands, for example, and only identify with that culture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone else, sativaah responds to this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;People of Color (POC)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... There are a lot of opinions in that thread, so you have a lot to consider from a variety of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T15:10:12.353" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T15:10:12.353" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1586" CreationDate="2017-08-12T05:31:11.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I'm not sure I'll finish something I'll slice it into halves and put it on a separate plate/container before I start. That way, I can offer whoever wants to finish it completely untouched food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3047" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:31:11.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1671" CreationDate="2017-08-12T05:45:07.707" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The term I would use in such a situation is &quot;dark.&quot; That is a catchall term that includes Africans, most Asians, Middle Easterners, and even Europeans from the Mediterranean countries (Spain, Italy, Greece, etc.) basically anyone who isn't of northern or western European background.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it is such a broad term, it is less offensive than &quot;black&quot; or &quot;yellow&quot; or &quot;redskin,&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, it is also possible to refer to your &quot;dark&quot; friend as a &quot;Caribbean,&quot; which identifies his culture, and is actually more important than the color of his skin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T05:45:07.707" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1633" CreationDate="2017-08-12T06:43:04.173" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming that your question is not specific to the USA -- it is not typical in India, in my experience, to make eye contact with any unknown person when we are 'passing by' on the street or sidewalk. As in, &lt;strong&gt;there is no need to do so.&lt;/strong&gt; This may be a cultural thing, but we tend to ignore anybody we don't know and it is not considered unfriendly or impolite to do so. Looking into the eyes of the oncoming person for a second and looking away is all right but smiling is not typical unless we know the person. Of course, a little allowance is made for national/ regional/ religious holidays!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;If you are particular to make eye contact&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, one 'neutral method' (perhaps already suggested in answers/ comments) would be to look at the person intermittently as you approach (and look away) with a neutral expression, which is sometimes described as a quarter-smile. If the person does not want to reciprocate then they will look away and you can 'cross' without making further eye contact. If the person reciprocates eye contact then you can nod and smile as you pass by!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T06:59:08.803" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T06:59:08.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1689" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1693" CreationDate="2017-08-12T06:59:13.910" Score="3" ViewCount="419" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to purchase a certain product. Only one store in my area carries it, and my research has indicated that there are no others in the country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The store is currently selling the product for $1700 CAD ($1327.14 USD), not including tax. A few weeks ago, when I visited them, they had it on sale for $1500 CAD ($1171.01 USD). But I took some time to think about the purchase, and since then they have removed the sale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have saved about $200 CAD, 10% of the price after tax. This is not a significant amount given the scale of the purchase and the value of the item, and I would be willing to pay the full price. What would be the proper thing to say to ask for the sale price?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The store is a family-owned small business. In case there are relevant cultural differences, the store's staff and owners are Chinese.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3051" LastEditorUserId="3051" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T18:02:32.017" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T18:02:32.017" Title="How to bargain with a store for an expired sale?" Tags="&lt;canada&gt;&lt;shopping&gt;&lt;negotiation&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-12T07:14:04.210" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main reason being immigration and nationalized citizens.  If someone asks me where I'm from, it's because I don't look like I'm from wherever we are.  Hidden below &quot;Where are you from?&quot; is &quot;What are you doing here?&quot;, which can start to get very sensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, born citizens who's families are new to a country are expected to answer where their parents are from.  How many generations does it take until someone can be &quot;from&quot; a place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least, that's how it is in my part of the states, asking people where they're from makes them feel like they don't belong.  A better question is &quot;where do you live?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the hostels &quot;where are you from&quot; is very common.  Neither of us are from the hostel, so my reason doesn't apply.  However, if I'm at a hostel, I'm trying to learn about a new place.  I don't understand why you want to know where I'm from when there's all of these amazing things around us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3041" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T07:14:04.210" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1216" CreationDate="2017-08-12T07:14:30.147" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the customer's point of view, I would certainly appreciate a frank explanation as to how or why the service may be delayed, and I have been very annoyed with people who gave me the insincere 'song and dance' without producing the timely service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also what many published articles recommend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=be+honest+with+customer&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=be+honest+with+customer&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To extract just one relevant quote,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you pretend that nothing is wrong, your customers will continue to be in the dark and speculate the reason for the poor service. They may begin to think the worst- that you were not doing your job! When you are honest, and tell them the actual reason (...) then you open the door for sympathy and understanding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.principledprofit.com/ethics-articles/5-reasons-to-stay-honest-with-your-customers&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.principledprofit.com/ethics-articles/5-reasons-to-stay-honest-with-your-customers&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even at risk of losing some business in the short term, it is important to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;maintain credibility by being tactfully honest&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; with the customer. You need not go into the specific dynamics of how your company operates, as long as you can make the customer understand that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the delay in responding is directly related to your current workload (where you can make the 'feast or famine' point to emphasize that response time will vary depending on workload)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you value their business and shall attend to their request as early as possible&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you are fair in assigning priority to work based on the established business model of the company (if not necessarily on a first-come, first-served basis).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Above all&lt;/strong&gt;, it is necessary to inform the customer of the possible duration of the delay, so that they wouldn't later feel that you wasted their time with false assurances of priority and prevented them from getting prompt service from another company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T08:29:50.050" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T08:29:50.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-12T09:21:37.137" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot would depend on your willingness to be insincere. Let us assume you are not a convincing liar and she will find you out if you do lie about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Solution A: you lie and say you like the new 'short cut' -- she thinks you are insincere. If you later tell her something truthfully she may choose not to believe you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Solution B: you are honest and tell her you don't really like the new haircut (however nicely you say it, as advised in earlier answers) -- she does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; think you are insincere, whatever &lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt; she may think. It is a step towards establishing your general credibility but you must be consistently honest to maintain the impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it is a question of whether you want to be perceived by her as honest or insincere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't mind being perceived by her as insincere you can go ahead and lie and tell her you like it. (This is what I would do with somebody who is not close to me and who is not important to me, &lt;em&gt;in order to avoid unpleasantness.&lt;/em&gt;) However, I should not lie to anyone who matters a lot to me. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;In my experience, being understood to be perfectly, even painfully honest is far preferable to being thought insincere, in the long run.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if she does not ask for your opinion it is better not to bring up the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T09:31:33.340" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T09:31:33.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1689" CreationDate="2017-08-12T10:15:44.923" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no &quot;proper way&quot; to ask for the sale price. You can ask them, and if they're motivated to sell it, they might agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some suggestions on how you might approach it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I was in here a few weeks ago and saw it on sale for $1500. Is it likely to go on sale again any time soon? $1500 is my upper limit.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a pretty passive way to go about it. You're not actually asking them to discount it, but you're setting your price expectation. They might agree to $1500, they might be able to tell you when it is next discounted (leaving you to decide if it's worth the risk of waiting that long) or they might not be able to offer you anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I was in here a few weeks ago and saw it on sale for $1500. Even though I missed the sale, is there any chance you could sell it for $1500?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More direct, but still polite. They'll either say yes or no, or they might give you a counter offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm willing to offer $1500 cash for this [item] today. What can you do for me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes a guaranteed sale is motivation enough. This is probably more for a situation where the item is more commonly financed (ie, store card, payment plan, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;$1700 seems a bit too pricey, what's the best price you can do for me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is open-ended, and they might even come in under what you're willing to offer. They might also refuse and tell you $1700 is the asking price, so that's what you pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, it's up to you how you approach it. Given that you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; willing to pay the asking price and that it's difficult to source elsewhere, you can ask for a lower price, and if the seller doesn't budge, then you can just buy it. Some negotiation tactics require you to be willing to walk away - in your case, I wouldn't suggest it. Be as polite and charming as you can, ask for a discount, but don't stress if it doesn't happen for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I can't offer any advice culturally - I don't have any particular insights into Canadian or Chinese-Canadian culture. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2326" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T10:15:44.923" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1694" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1695" CreationDate="2017-08-12T18:35:22.997" Score="7" ViewCount="6467" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a colleague at work who has sent me a friend request on Facebook, but I don't feel we're close enough for them to be seeing my personal posts, I'm not sure how they feel though, they could think we are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally don't think Facebook is suitable for work relationships but much rather LinkedIn. I'm more than happy to connect with them on that, as we already are. I also just don't want to decline the friend request without an explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to politely (and professionally) decline the friend request without causing any animosity between us?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: They'll know if I have declined the request as we use the Facebook SDK in our job (mobile app development) which requires me to use Facebook throughout the day, so I would much rather explain than just decline. Also, it's a relatively small office so we speak on a daily basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:38:19.070" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T19:38:19.070" Title="How to politely decline a friend request from a colleague who wants to add me on Facebook?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1694" CreationDate="2017-08-12T18:53:11.523" Score="13" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Let it be.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If friend requests come from people I don't really feel like sharing my personal photos and stuff with, I don't accept, I don't decline, I just ignore it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They'll automatically become subscribers to my account, and by that, they'll be able to see my public posts, and not private ones. They can still send me messages when needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sender will most likely understand that either I'm not checking my friend requests section, or I actually didn't want to accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything other than this, that is, if I bring this up at work and tell them I'm sorry, I had to decline, I'm sure they'll feel put off by that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Explaining why I declined would most likely be ruder than ignoring the request altogether.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's best to let this fade away. Most people don't even remember the requests they have sent and won't bother stalking us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in the rare chance that they bring this up and ask me why I've not accepted it yet, I'll say something just like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, I hadn't given it much thought. I usually add only my closest friends. I think we're already connected on LinkedIn, and that should keep us connected for now :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T19:03:55.730" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1696" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1697" CreationDate="2017-08-12T19:07:42.543" Score="5" ViewCount="2677" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is an example: I'm talking to one of my professors, making eye contact and being engaged like a good student does, but all of a sudden I feel like I lose depth perception (I find that this happens only during one-on-one talks and if there is a wall several feet behind them) and my neck becomes tense. I'm not sure what's going on, and I feel like I absolutely have to look away because I feel physical discomfort and I think that I must look weird. However, I know it appears that I'm anxious and not paying attention, and I end up having my eyes dart around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure what's going on with the depth perception issue, but it's happened for a while, so I don't think it's going away anytime soon. Is it appropriate to look away when listening to someone you want to make a good impression with? If so, how often can I do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; I lose depth perception when talking one-on-one with someone and it makes my body uncomfortable. Is it possible to look away but still look engaged and not nervous?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3065" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T19:36:28.460" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T11:53:39.070" Title="How do I maintain eye contact with someone as a listener if it makes my body physically uncomfortable?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1696" CreationDate="2017-08-12T19:35:45.940" Score="12" Body="&lt;h2&gt;It's okay to look away every 4, 5 seconds.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're talking to just one person, feel free to look away every 4 or 5 seconds, but make sure to not look down, as looking down may show disinterest. Look up, or to the sides. Looking up a little will appear as though you're thinking. Besides, continuously staring into a person's eyes will be uncomfortable to them as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're just the listener, occasional &quot;aha&quot;, &quot;I see&quot;, etc. will be appreciated. To maintain eye contact, change your focus every 4 or 5 seconds from one of their eyes to the other, and then briefly, to their mouth, and then back to the eyes. Keep rotating the focus this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're talking to more than one person, keep changing your focus from one person's eyes to another's every one or two sentences. If you keep eye contact with only one of your listeners, the others will lose interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Found an article from Michigan State University Extension, &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://msue.anr.msu.edu/news/eye_contact_dont_make_these_mistakes&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Eye contact: Don’t make these mistakes&lt;/a&gt;&quot;, where they summarize points from &lt;a href=&quot;http://conversationaid.com/the-importance-of-eye-contact-part-one/the-importance-of-eye-contact-part-two&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Conversation Aid&lt;/a&gt; as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They suggest the following tips to help maintain good eye contact without staring:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Use the 50/70 rule.&lt;/strong&gt; To maintain appropriate eye contact without staring, you should maintain eye contact for 50 percent of the time while speaking and 70% of the time while listening. This helps to display interest and confidence.&#xA;  Maintain it for 4-5 seconds. Once you establish eye contact, maintain or hold it for 4-5 seconds. After this time passes, you can slowly glance to the side and then go back to establishing eye contact.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Think about where you’re looking.&lt;/strong&gt; Maintaining eye contact is easy because you’re looking at the other person. However, when you look away, do it slowly without darting your eyes. This can make you look shy or nervous. And don’t look down; remember to look from side-to-side. Looking down can give the appearance that you lack confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Establish eye contact right away.&lt;/strong&gt; Before you begin talking, establish eye contact. Don’t look down or look at something before you begin speaking. Establish eye contact right away and then begin talking.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Listening with your eyes is important too:&lt;/strong&gt; Remember the 70 percent rule (you should maintain eye contact for 70 percent of the time while listening)? Communication happens with your eyes while you’re listening just as much as when you’re talking. Remember that while you’re listening and maintaining eye contact, you should smile, open your face and look interested.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practice.&lt;/strong&gt; Eye contact will come easy to some, but if it doesn’t for you, it’s okay to practice until you become confident. You can look at an eyebrow or the space between the eyes and mouth. You can also practice with yourself in the mirror.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This article is the third and last in a series of articles that examined eye contact in communication. Remember that eye contact is a skill and it often takes time and practice to fine-tune our skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T21:40:39.310" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T21:40:39.310" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1699" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-12T21:39:17.773" Score="5" ViewCount="496" Body="&lt;p&gt;A private nurse or caregiver, or personal assistant of any kind, often gets close to the person for whom they work, by necessity.  That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does sometimes lead to them feeling like it's more of a friendship than a job and they can start taking advantage of the situation – leaving early, coming in a little bit late, being a little more expectant when they ask for time off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, many employers of these kinds of services have limited income and not much bargaining power, and they might be quite dependent on the worker.  So, from their perspective, when they find someone who does a good job for them, keeping that worker happy can become their primary goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some effective ways (some good language to use) to push back against corner-cutting employees and reestablish a more appropriate power dynamic, while (hopefully) not losing the employee?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T11:24:35.660" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T17:29:09.233" Title="What is the best way to make a good employee feel more invested in her or his job?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1700" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1712" CreationDate="2017-08-12T22:15:52.110" Score="12" ViewCount="1950" Body="&lt;p&gt;My previous employer invited me to have dinner with him. Unexpectedly (by me), he was also inviting the chief police of the area to have dinner with &lt;em&gt;us&lt;/em&gt;. After we got ourselves introduced, my ex-boss need to look for things for a while, leaving me alone in the table with the chief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I'm not from the area he's taking care for, I was unable to start &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; conversation with him &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt;. Part of this was because I always get nervous when I meet someone I regard as an important person, especially in a one-on-one situation. What a waste, if I was even a bit braver, I might have gained an important connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We ended up playing with our phones until my ex-boss came back. Not a single word between us, at least until I managed to mention that my friend, an employee, like police and military stuff to my ex-boss (not directly to the chief).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dinner was set casually, to talk about a serious issue (some work stuff that I need to look for him as a favor), and a few small issues (which have no connection to me whatsoever). The serious issue ended up not being discussed after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The chief also dressed casually, and the situation is pretty much very casual. I really regret that I missed the chance to personally introduce myself and gain his contact, albeit in a very brief moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, how can I start a conversation with the chief?&lt;/strong&gt; This is the first time we met, and I'm not very familiar with the area he's taking care. I don't even know what the topic I should talk about!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is in Indonesia, and specifically in Javanese culture. I'm looking for answers considering Asian people perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T11:15:59.857" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T01:26:05.580" Title="How to start a conversation with an important person?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1701" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1702" CreationDate="2017-08-12T22:23:05.267" Score="5" ViewCount="1497" Body="&lt;p&gt;Throughout both my academic and professional career I've encountered situations where in such roles (as most of us would have), where as a happy go lucky graduate who doesn't know it all (but thought I did) would attend meetings and I wouldn't know what certain industry terminology meant or understood certain aspects of the project cycle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would become really pedantic about asking stupid questions that should be (what I felt) well known. But, I wouldn't ask them in the meeting (especially in a group setting) purposely to not look stupid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To overcome this I would do two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would always go home (after the day is done) and look up the terminology/subject matter and teach myself that way, so if the topic comes up again I'd be armed with the newly obtained knowledge.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would wait until my superior came up to me and if they mentioned it, I would have a look of confusion on my face and then ask the question. (But this to me, seemed like I wasn't listening in the meeting and/or unprofessional).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which made me contemplate the best time to ask these questions to make myself seem less like I wasn't paying attention but more because I'm willing to learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when is it okay to ask &quot;stupid&quot; questions in the workplace?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T06:35:36.930" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T06:35:36.930" Title="When is it okay to ask &quot;stupid&quot; questions in the workplace?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;meetings&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1701" CreationDate="2017-08-12T22:23:05.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: as the question specifically aims at meetings, this answer aligns to that scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll have to weigh up the problems you face, either look attentive and eager to learn by overcoming your fear of looking stupid or keep doing what you're currently doing. But, my advice is if someone knows and you don't, &lt;strong&gt;just ask&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.inc.com/alison-davis/why-asking-dumb-questions-is-so-darn-smart.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Asking more questions is not only effective&lt;/a&gt;, you learn a hell of a lot from asking even the most simple ones. Don't worry too much, though. You have several times you can ask and whom to ask (depending on your confidence): &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If and only if&lt;/em&gt; you aren't disrupting the meeting or the person hosting the meeting, just ask the question there and then. i.e. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, could you elaborate on that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, what does XYZ mean?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;this will not only quench your worry about not looking like you're paying attention, it also has multiple benefits: You'll learn (rather than waiting the rest of the day to go home and read up on it) about it there and then, but it can also set the tone for the meeting (someone else might be in the same boat, and you've just set the bar for the types of questions you can ask, thus, an opportunity to learn more from more questions from your peers).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After the meeting pull the person who ran the meeting to the side (if you didn't want to disrupt them, or didn't want to engage within a group setting) and ask them to elaborate further on what they said. I'm sure most people wouldn't mind (unless it's something you've learnt in the office before and should already know)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the person is a superior and you want to keep face with them, you can simply pull a trusted colleague to one side after the meeting and ask them about one of the problems you faced or compare notes (they might have something written down you didn't know about), sometimes with other programmers, I would compare notes and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;rubberduck&lt;/a&gt; them and learn that way. But, in a normal office environment, just simply ask them: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, you know when they mentioned XYZ in the meeting, do you know any&#xA;  more about that? I'm looking to learn a little more.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These options may make you come across as &quot;stupid&quot;, but you'll also come across as someone who is willing to own up when they don't know something and someone who is wanting to learn more about the topic at hand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Further Reading:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.stroudinternational.com/latest-insights/stupid-questions&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Why asking stupid questions is the smartest thing to do.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.yuhiro.de/why-you-should-ask-stupid-questions/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Why you should ask stupid questions.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T22:24:49.217" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T22:24:49.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1703" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-12T22:26:50.673" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:26:50.673" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:26:50.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1704" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-12T22:26:50.673" Score="0" Body="For questions about how to ask someone to an event, how to respond to being asked to an event, and related situations." OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-12T22:26:50.673" LastActivityDate="2017-08-12T22:26:50.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1701" CreationDate="2017-08-13T00:11:23.437" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When is it OK to ask &quot;stupid&quot; questions? Whenever you need to!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're absolutely right that it is very common for people to find themselves in these situations. The reason for that is that no one will know everything as soon as they begin (a new job, project, class, etc.). And &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; is why there is no reason at all to consider these questions stupid. That's the first point. Besides, industry terminology and project parameters both seem rather critical, and not-stupid, to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing that would be &quot;stupid,&quot; or not a good idea, let's say, is if you let yourself get behind just for not asking, if you undermine your own genius just to save yourself a little embarrassment ... when, in fact, the boss will probably be grateful that you're following along well enough to have intelligent, pertinent questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But maybe what you're trying to ask is, &quot;how do I know when I'm crossing the line from asking intelligent, pertinent questions ... to being pedantic about it?&quot;  The thing about pedants is that they're &quot;excessively concerned with minor details.&quot; Will your boss look fondly on you if you keep interrupting his or her presentation for definitions to every word you haven't heard before or with every little question that pops into your head? No...probably not!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How I draw the line is by asking (myself) questions like this: Can I follow along? Are the terms I'm NOT familiar with keeping me from understanding the presentation I'm listening to (or whatever), overall? If I answer yes and no, respectively, then I try to save my questions at least until the end, and if I can take thorough enough notes, maybe I can take what I &lt;em&gt;DID&lt;/em&gt; learn and piece it together myself, after, by looking up the few terms I hadn't heard before on my own. Or if I can tell at the end that I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; going to need a primer, I try to ask a brief, cogent question that gets right to the heart of whatever I'm not getting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also important to do what we can on our own, as much for our own minds as anything else, and when piecing together what I can, after, that's when I usually figure out what it really is that I don't understand. And then the next morning, I just try to get in the office maybe 10 minutes early and plainly tell the supervisor, &quot;Hey, I was looking over what you were talking about and there's a bit here I just don't understand.&quot; They're usually really happy to be approached this way. But be prepared, because you may have to say, &quot;Well, you see...&quot; and break down what you do get so he or she will understand what you don't get.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And just one more thing.  I'm with you that it can be very embarrassing to have to raise your hand right in the middle of something, but sometimes it happens. It's really no big deal – who'll even know in 200 years, right? But when that happens, I've always found that you come across more intelligently when you can say, &quot;If [blah, blah, blah...] and [blah, blah, blah,] too, then [question, question, question]?&quot; instead of just, &quot;what is [that]?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, while it's true that &quot;there are no stupid questions,&quot; it's best to make them as smart as you can!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T00:11:23.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="193" CreationDate="2017-08-13T02:14:47.810" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am delighted to see the question and the interactions. I am (or try to be) a student of life, and I feel I've learned something today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm fine; thank you.&amp;quot; If he seems unsteady himself, you might then ask, &amp;quot;Are you OK?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'll be (or I am) fine. Don't worry about it.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[After any manner of chuckle]: &amp;quot;You have a good day, Sir.&amp;quot; It's not important you acknowledge his apology at all, as long as you acknowledge the person and come across as not wounded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, because you will hopefully be in this world for a good long time, you may want to consider further analysis of the mental construct behind &amp;quot;It's OK,&amp;quot; because it will be a part of your culture all the rest of your days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Break it down: It is OK. The unintentional bump was a moment ago. Now, moving on, what is important to the accidental offenders is that you &lt;em&gt;ARE&lt;/em&gt; OK, that despite their action, life &lt;em&gt;IS&lt;/em&gt; OK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get it; it makes you feel queasy. It's like you're saying, &amp;quot;It's OK, you can bump into me all day long.&amp;quot; But of course you're &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; OK with that, at all! So it feels like a lie. But ... it's not. Because you're going to change what the pronoun &amp;quot;it&amp;quot; stands for, in your mind. &amp;quot;It&amp;quot; will not stand for the fact he ran into you, but for your status thereafter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a disability myself, and I do not lightly suggest concession or compromise ... but if you can change how you look at this one thing, it could really help you a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just this &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; thing, dhein. Just change this &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But hey, if you can't, or you choose not to ... it's OK. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T20:43:37.770" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1701" CreationDate="2017-08-13T02:59:59.687" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In your shoes, besides thinking about &quot;when&quot; to ask, I would think about &lt;em&gt;who&lt;/em&gt; to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your instinct of waiting until you are &quot;offline&quot; to ask is a good one. Unless you absolutely &quot;need to&quot; (you are one of the principal participants), you don't want to ask questions in front of a lot of people at a meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the other issue is who to ask. Usually, that person is your boss. The reason is, the boss has the greatest stake in your development; the better you are, the better s/he is. A good boss will recognize that and try to accommodate your questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some situations when you have a bad boss, or one who favors another co-worker over you, which would (largely) rule out that option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who else can you ask? Basically, someone you can trust. Possibly a peer or co-worker, possibly a prospective (or actual) mentor. Executives have been known to confide in secretaries or janitors, and find that these people are more knowledgeable than they would have guessed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having focused on who to ask, the question of &quot;when to ask&quot; is answered by &quot;at a good time for them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I emphasize &quot;who&quot; comes from Michael Lewis' &quot;Liar's Poker.&quot; Someone asked a trainer, &quot;how do you become successful at Salomon Brothers?&quot; The trainer thought about it and said something like, &quot;Most of you are going about it wrong. You are asking yourselves what you want. You should be asking yourself who you want. It's a jungle out there. So figure out who is willing to &quot;adopt&quot; you and help you advance in the company.&quot; And then ask them what you need to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T05:16:01.667" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T05:16:01.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1712" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1700" CreationDate="2017-08-13T03:28:12.040" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am writing as an Asian-American, so I know something about &quot;Asian.&quot; although nothing about &quot;Javanese.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I disagree with another poster who advised talking about &quot;current events.&quot; Those, and a related matter, politics, are likely to be controversial (unless you are talking, perhaps, about who won Miss Indonesia).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking of &quot;Miss Indonesia,&quot; a safer topic is people. The man may have ideologies and views different from yours, but he is a human being after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One possible conversation topic is the one thing you have in common &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/99/what-to-talk-about-with-a-person-you-meet-through-a-mutual-friend-on-the-bus/114#114&quot;&gt;getting to know your boss&lt;/a&gt;. (Be complimentary when you do this: &quot;My boss taught me...&quot;) You might, instead, want you mention your parents, especially anything they might have said to you about obeying the law. Authority figures are a fairly good topic since he is one, and almost certainly takes pride in that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a man, I might say, &quot;I once considered pursuing a career in police work until I realized I didn't have the necessary physical aptitude.&quot; (This was actually true.) If you are a woman, you might substitute a male relative as someone who looks up to police chiefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T03:28:12.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1713" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-13T03:38:44.347" Score="22" ViewCount="4009" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from East Asia so my English is not good compared to people from Western countries who use English or its Indo-European siblings as its native language. In most cases, it is fine to talk with fellow Asians (East Asian and Southeast Asian), and although I often don't understand what some Europeans say, the problem arises more from their accents than their speech speed, though their speech speed feels somewhat fast as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I don't understand what Americans are saying mostly. For example, if I watch CNN I only understand about 30%, largely due to their speech speed (but also I don't often understand their accents).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the problem is that even after I ask an American to speak more slowly, they seemingly can't change their speed. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;gdajlgjagllmalvmlagjagmalvmalmldmamglanvammeao&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;Sorry, can you speak more slowly?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;OK, do you understand now?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;Yeah!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;OK, then lgamlvmdljalmalvmadmvlavmeovmqmmvladljaljlajvdljal&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I asked them again to speak more slowly, and it usually ends up in a few loops, and then I get upset and stop to talking with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation is almost always initiated by the American. I rarely start the conversation as I know I don't understand what they talk about mostly, and honestly, I don't like to talk with Americans if they can't change the speed. This is not because I feel embarrassed but because it is quite stressful to keep concentrating on what they are saying and be forced to use a huge mental resource.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that just asking them to speak more slowly is not a solution. How can I make Americans speak slowly? This happens in non-Anglo countries where English is not one of its official languages. Is it that difficult to speak more slowly? I don't know if this applies to Canadians or Australians as I have never talked with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T17:14:25.663" Title="How can I get Americans to speak more slowly after I've already asked them once?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1713" CreationDate="2017-08-13T04:04:37.487" Score="9" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Hand motions&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most Americans really only speak English and only to other Americans, so they're not used to this situation.  There's also a cultural stereotype that it's rude to speak slowly as it can be seen insulting to the listeners' intelligence.  So, even if you ask an American to speak more slowly, they might accidentally speed back up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good way to tell someone that they're speaking incorrectly is through hand motions because this signals the issue without interrupting.   Once they stop, you can ask them to repeat if they said it too quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hand motions work for a variety of speaking issues, e.g. when someone keeps talking too loudly.  In this case, you might hold your palm up and flat, in a &amp;quot;Stop!&amp;quot; sort of signal, but more gently to express slowness instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1563" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T04:04:37.487" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1713" CreationDate="2017-08-13T04:17:42.977" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an American, having been in the situation, it's a bit of a blind spot...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;American's have a pretty huge luxury language wise. We're a rather large country, so you can drive a good several hundred miles and people speak the same language. And when we travel over seas people seem to make an effort to speak &quot;our English&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying that's a common American experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As pointed out in comments, we're often accused of being condescending to people who aren't as proficient in American English... This can lead to being a little self-conscious about changing our speech patterns when we communicate with people who are having a hard time understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm often guilty of assuming that the person I'm speaking to is proficient in American English, because most people I encounter are, and it can seem racist or condescending if I don't make that assumption.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately, Florida, the part of America I live in, has a large Spanish speaking population, and I've tried to learn a second language over the years. I kind of understand your problem. Spanish is spoken very quickly in some places... So I sort of know how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am learning your language. Can you speak slowly? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's frustrating, but sometimes adding an explanation is all it takes. Simply saying &quot;slow down&quot; may be misunderstood, while explaining why you want them to slow down clears up the misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T11:31:40.183" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T11:31:40.183" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1701" CreationDate="2017-08-13T05:02:23.797" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question seems to be directed towards meetings specifically, and not so much towards a classroom/group setting ... that being said,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you ask for an agenda in advance for the meetings to which you are attending. Meetings should have an agenda anyway to keep people on task and efficient.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will give you the necessary time to prepare yourself to give as much concise contribution as possible which will increase your value to everybody else in attendance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of a meeting is to allow collaboration and input from individuals and/or a place to give instruction. If you foresee an unclear subject matter that could affect how you do your work, and you've done what time permits to delve into it beforehand, then there is no 'shame' in asking a 'stupid' question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've requested preparatory information and were not given it, and such an unclear topic comes up in conversation during the meeting, go ahead and ask the 'stupid' question. Meetings bring together individuals that are really good at different things as to get the best ideas brought forward. Not everybody in the room will have your jargon or perspective, just as you don't have theirs; it's part of the purpose of having a meeting. With proper preparation on the meeting planners part the little questions won't need to be asked, but it happens, and when it does, don't feel bad for asking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Companies also have their own jargon and way of doing things, many people come from other companies that have different procedures and traditions. If you are newer to a group that has always done their own thing a certain way, it wouldn't hurt to pull somebody aside (a new friend?) after the meeting and explain to them the unfamiliarity of your circumstance and ask them if they can clarify some things, with a follow up of asking if that person can be approached in similar circumstances in the future. This will also provide perspective for this person to recognize situations which may be a bit unclear for you and provide an opportunity for him to help with the clarity during the actual meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I must note though that many items on a meeting's agenda won't apply to everybody. If the subject material at hand doesn't apply to yourself, then don't interrupt the flow of conversation to ask to get the question/material clarified that doesn't apply to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3076" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T05:13:51.983" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T05:13:51.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-13T05:13:57.343" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am European, and have been on the other side of this situation. I lived in India for several years, and spoke the language where I lived. &#xA;So I wasn't really a tourist, but many people assumed I was, and thus treated me as such. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, all foreigners in India get asked this &lt;strong&gt;a lot&lt;/strong&gt; and very often as the first question when they meet new people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, it's not really that it's rude, it's just that you get sort of tired of being asked it all the time. I remember joking with my friends that I should print out a small card with my nationality, age, marital status, education, etc. to hand around so that I wouldn't have to answer all the most common questions over and over when meeting people. Of course, that would &lt;em&gt;actually have been rude&lt;/em&gt;, and I never seriously considered doing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, though, as a joke, when people asked me where I was from, and I was tired of answering the question, I used to jokingly answer &quot;Coimbatore&quot; (another Indian city in the state I was living in). People would usually find that funny, sometimes it would confuse them a bit, and they would take a second look at my appearance.&#xA;I would then give them the real answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So no, it's not really rude, it's a natural question to ask foreigners. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It just gets a bit tiring though. Of course, the most obvious thing about one is that one is a foreigner, and therefore it's a natural thing to ask. But sometimes, after having talked to hundreds of people, a part of one wishes conversations could start with something else. And that the most interesting thing about one wouldn't be that one is a foreigner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I don't blame the locals for asking. Now that I am in my own native country again, I'm also tempted to ask most non-locals where they are from, simply out of curiosity. However, I try not to ask it initially. It usually comes up naturally later anyway, as a part of the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this answer has explained something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recommendation for future encounters: It's fine to ask people where they are from, but consider waiting until you have talked a bit. (Maybe you already do wait, but I'm just mentioning it.) That might make people feel more relaxed, and they may feel happier answering the question. Moreover, it might even come up naturally during the course of conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="453" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T15:13:24.407" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T15:13:24.407" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="141" CreationDate="2017-08-13T05:54:51.187" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depends on the people involved (gender, friends, strangers, work position, etc), but generally, as in your circumstance, if I'm talking to a friend who is a guy (myself being a guy), I don't mind just telling my friend that he stinks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not that comfortable with being so direct, hinting at it may give him some ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I can tell you worked your butt off in track.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Let me open a window and turn on the fan for ya.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;If you would like us to push our meet-up time back a couple minutes in the future so you have time to freshen up, it's fairly easy to do, just ask.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3076" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T10:00:38.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1719" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1156" CreationDate="2017-08-13T06:24:25.707" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a freelance editor, I run into this quite a bit.  I appear to just be sitting at home, and I am an editor, so &quot;why not just tidy up my resume real quick,&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My go-to line, that I try to deliver kindly but firmly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I really can't put my paying customers on hold to get into this for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they persist (true story here):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, one of the reasons that you would like my help with this is because you know I take my projects seriously and try to do a good job on everything I do, right? Well, that takes time. This may seem like a quick job to you, but I promise you it won't be, not if I treat it with care. It would take a minimum of a quarter hour just for me to familiarize myself with what you already have, then we might talk for a half hour more about what you really want to accomplish with it, and even if I could spruce it up to get you what you want in 15 minutes (which is impossible), that would already be an hour of my time. Do you know I can get $40 - $75 an hour? If you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; want me to treat it special – if you just want me to look for typos – sure, fine, but we'll just do it right here on the table; get a pen and I'll circle them for you. No, girl! If I open my computer at all it'll be $20. If you want me to push other customers back and do a &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; job on it, you're going to have to pay me what they'd be paying me because I'll be cutting into my Paid Gig Time to do this instead...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These may not perfectly match your situation, but I hope you can find something useful in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To offer something more specific, let me recap your situation: you are in a fairly new job and one of your co-workers there has already sniffed out that your skill set or expertise would benefit her husband's (or their) side company. Moreover, she talked to him about you (hence the upcoming meeting), but has not yet even told you what their company is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I have all that right:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be surprised if the upcoming meeting reveals it's not at all what you thought and you find yourself at a multi-level marketing meeting;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If that's not the case, you should be able to go into this meeting not worried at all about being on the hook for anything because they haven't even told you anything; and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; go-to line (after hearing them out) should be something like:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hmmm. Yeah, this sounds really promising. But, I dunno... Look, I wouldn't mind talking things over with you over lunch now and then, but I really can't afford to sink any free time into this. Do you have any budget for this [kind of work you're looking for from me]? I mean, if my time is compensated, that would give me some more options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, just keep it loose, honest, and polite, and don't feel like you have to say yes to anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T10:49:04.957" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T10:49:04.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1720" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-13T08:21:35.460" Score="9" ViewCount="1633" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 21-year-old black male who is 5ft 4in (165cm).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With my stature described, my physique appears relatively 'soft' compared to the average adult, however, I think my personality or behavior along with my race is what puts some people off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that my family and classmates claim I do, and have done too much of, is stare at people without engaging in much conversation. I admit that I have this problem but it's not due to me being anxious but more so looking at attractive people or listening in to someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've received mixed reactions. Some people get quite creeped out by this and others (mainly women) find me cute and non-threatening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I continue the extended gaze at people, reduce it, or stop it entirely?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3064" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T08:54:25.460" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T07:18:37.347" Title="What should I do to appear less 'creepy' to people?" Tags="&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;social-cues&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1700" CreationDate="2017-08-13T12:25:32.477" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you don't know anything about a person, you have a conversation with them by asking them things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How many people work for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How long have you been in the police force?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is it like being a police chief? What is the best thing about your job?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you prefer, you can ask more personal questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you live near here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I visited X recently, have you ever been there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This [item being eaten or drunk] is really good. How is yours?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that questions are &amp;quot;nosy&amp;quot; then try telling the person you're impressed by them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wow, Chief of Police, that is impressive, I was not expecting to meet such an important person tonight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or that they know things you don't&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't know anything about [your area] but I'm interested in it. What can you tell me about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A senior person can naturally expect to carry most of the burden of conversation with a younger person. You can give a little prompt that should get the impressive person to talk quite a lot, and you can listen attentively and say &amp;quot;oh really? that's fascinating&amp;quot; and such from time to time. Of course, this particular person might not be a &amp;quot;big talker&amp;quot; or might be tired from a long day and not feel like talking. But questions and prompts generally work to get the senior person to talk, letting the junior person relax a little and just listen. That should also leave you feeling less nervous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T12:25:32.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1722" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1734" CreationDate="2017-08-13T12:32:51.420" Score="13" ViewCount="4442" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this is a common phenomenon, but it has happened to me already more than once. Maybe my opinion of what constitutes intimate information is too narrow, or I just appear to be trustworthy to other people (Yes, you are right. Now I'm here, sharing it with the whole Internet...), or other people are just much more open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Situation*:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I participate in a training program. There is also someone, let's call her &amp;quot;Eve&amp;quot;. I've never met her before and we also have barely anything to do with each other during the program.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, one day we get to talk a little bit (just small talk about the program itself). And now, Eve starts to mention personal problems in too much detail (&lt;a href=&quot;http://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/10665/39461/1/9241544686_eng.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;substance abuse&lt;/a&gt; according to WHO, not illegal). This was not totally out of context (rather some indirect motivation for doing some things) and not directly related to the program itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is a polite way to deal with such a sudden revelation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation is a bit awkward for me, but I also do not want to make it awkward for the other person, appear too curious or disinterested etc. Please also note, that I want to keep it a bit more general, so anything usually deemed too private to tell strangers, but nothing illegal or insulting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is not so much about someone raving on about a topic you don't like, it's rather about the mention itself (maybe even mentioned in passing only) - sharing information, that I at least (and many other people, judging from my experience) would share with people I trust very much, only. Information, that may leave you vulnerable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Don't worry, privacy is being protected here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:15:40.487" Title="How to react when a stranger suddenly shares intimate information with you?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2019-05-28T13:15:32.690" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1720" CreationDate="2017-08-13T12:49:37.947" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I continue the extended gaze at people, reduce it, or stop it entirely?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately this is entirely your choice. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;But.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that being stared at puts me off. It makes me anxious, maybe something is wrong?? It generates stress in me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any behaviour generates a response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself usually go about my business as I see fit, as I am in my very own plain vanilla state. This is least effort of course. But while interacting with the people around me I also usually reach out to be on my best (or at least not too bad) behaviour, to aim at a positive reaction, to put them at ease. This is a slight effort but also SO deep-rooted that I'm at ease doing it. My aim is to be a good person to be around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Package deal is when I notice that something I do puts some people off, I usually decide to correct my behaviour. Doing anything else is to be (intentionally) rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is MY choice. Please go about your business as you see fit, but also please be aware of the effect that your habits have, and accept the consequences. You will be avoided by anyone that is bothered by it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T22:30:01.420" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T22:30:01.420" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1163" CreationDate="2017-08-13T12:56:19.810" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In old days where people still used email as the primary means of digital communication, some people implied their birthday at their email address (e.g. &lt;code&gt;donaldo_clinton_12_19@XYZ&lt;/code&gt; which someone may get December 19th is his/her birthday). Nowadays messaging apps are more prevalent, so people won't bother to care about others' email as they were, but nothing would prevent you from hinting it at your email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another good tactic is to ask someone about his/her age near your birthday. Then if the person isn't unwilling to keep the conversation with you, he/she asks you about your age as well. Then you tell your age, and also tell that you become X years old in Y days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet another way is to search for any famous person that has the same birthday as you, and talk about the celebrity. During the conversation, you tell that you have the same birthday as the celebrity. Your new friend likely forgets about the exact date, but can easily connect your birthday to the celebrity. If the media celebrates the person's birthday, your friend might recall your birthday as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T13:03:09.980" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T13:03:09.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1726" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1699" CreationDate="2017-08-13T13:09:31.970" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a fairly hard question to answer as it stands, as two actually unrelated things are combined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;About encouraging investment: Honesty is always best.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I think people merit good feedback on their efforts. Both positive and negative. For example, a verbal well-placed compliment will go far to motivate a good worker. Especially in demanding positions as described by you. Factors like perceived dependency should not influence this (but indeed easier said than done).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;About cutting corners or worse: You cannot change people.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Persons with the mindset that enables them to abuse will seldom change their behaviour when confronted. Luckily the professions you mention should not attract such personalities too much.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Be honest, warn at need, terminate if hopeless. Avoid dysfunctional situations. Be strong and do not ignore bad behaviour to avoid having to change familiar caretakers. It facilitates abuse. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;It never works.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; (And if needed first  build a case, gather an admissible paper trail when you need to provide grounds for termination)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T17:29:09.233" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T17:29:09.233" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1722" CreationDate="2017-08-13T15:56:41.787" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say to them, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Do you really want to tell me this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That will likely elicit a response that you can follow up on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, they may say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I think I can trust you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Maybe not. You never know with someone you have just met.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;it's nothing. I tell people this all the time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then your response might be, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I know this isn't illegal but would you want this to get back to the&#xA;  boss?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, they are seeking attention, and at too high a cost. By engaging them as above, you are giving them this attention, while giving them &quot;fair warning&quot; that they may be compromising themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T18:59:03.063" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T18:59:03.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1713" CreationDate="2017-08-13T16:06:09.190" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing you need to know is that only &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; Americans, mainly in the north, speak too fast. Other Americans, from say, the south, actually speak slowly. (America is a big country, and the cultural differences between North and South culminated in a civil war just over 150 years ago.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you're with a &quot;fast-talking&quot; American, I would point to Nat's excellent suggestion to use hand gestures, but with an added twist. That is, I would say &quot;please slow down&quot; at the same time as using the hand gestures. This is called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Classical_conditioning&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Pavlovian conditioning&lt;/a&gt;, to link the hand gestures to your words in the other person's mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T16:06:09.190" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1730" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1736" CreationDate="2017-08-13T16:32:23.493" Score="13" ViewCount="2776" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, I've handed my notice in at my job and one of my colleagues (let's call him Bob for the sake of argument) is giving me the suspicion that he's throwing a surprise get together with the office for my leaving (only a small office, we're all professionally quite close and it has happened previously with other colleagues who have left). The sentiment is great an' all, but I really feel uncomfortable with surprises (I don't know why? I'm quite an extroverted person). I'd much rather people just told me and arranged things with me (boring, I know!) but I make plans out of work a lot and I don't want to let anyone down (both in and out of work). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason why I suspect him of doing so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's asked me if I'm doing anything for it, which I replied &quot;I&#xA;haven't organised anything, nor' was I planning to.&quot; (normal question)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's also asked me, what day specifically I'll be leaving (in a separate conversation, as he doesn't know when I handed my notice in, just knows that I'm leaving). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's also asked whether I've been to a local bar in the city centre before and what I think of it (in the same conversation as 2, I wouldn't suspect anything if it was a separate conversation)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, I don't want to just approach him and say &quot;Please don't do any surprises or anything, I'd rather we just arranged something!&quot; because I would literally look super arrogant (and it would be slightly awkward if he wasn't and was just curious about my leaving). Safe to say though, I'm probably not the only person who doesn't like surprises.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which begs the question, how can I subtly tell someone I don't like surprises?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="3768" LastEditDate="2018-01-14T05:24:23.947" LastActivityDate="2018-01-14T05:24:23.947" Title="How can I subtly tell coworker I don't want a surprise leaving party?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-13T18:33:47.460" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It isn't &quot;rude&quot;, it is not an unusual question in Western conversation either, but some people are sensitive about it. Mostly because they might be used to people using the otherwise innocent question as a pretext for judgment/criticism, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A better way of asking might be to say &quot;I am from [hometown], where are you from?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prefacing the question with the same info about yourself removes the possible judgmental aspect from your question, and makes the context of amicability and genuine curiosity clearer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still don't want to answer you can say something like &quot;Okay, I was only curious.&quot; and then move on with the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do answer then you might say &quot;Oh, I've never been there, what is it like in [their hometown]?&quot; this reinforces that your intent is honest curiosity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3091" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T18:36:02.373" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T18:36:02.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1730" CreationDate="2017-08-13T18:51:56.827" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've never had to do this myself but, imagining one such situation, I'd probably say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It sounds to me as though you guys are planning something. You wouldn't have asked these things otherwise, perhaps. I hope to be involved from the planning itself and avoid any surprises, you know. Or maybe I've misread it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, I could ask another friend to do something similar in my stead, if he's sure there's a party in the works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Guys, about that surprise party we're planning for him, I think it's best to include him now itself. He doesn't like surprises much. He'd have loved to be a part of the whole planning and stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T18:51:56.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1722" CreationDate="2017-08-13T20:10:49.943" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;This has happened to me at times, and I agree with user3169's comment that they might just have needed to talk to someone about their problem. Now, a relative stranger is a good choice compared to a close friend or family member, especially if the issue concerned has a secretive or controversial nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tended to get these confidences from people when I have been empathetic with them and been perceived as a good, kind and sincere person (which I am, but don't always communicate to people often enough to be told their personal problems.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the thing is to hear them out sympathetically and either commiserate, offer some insight, or help them to understand that their problem is not unique (do you know a truly unique problem? Hundreds of people are likely to have the same issues) -- although it might upset you to be told their intimate things by a near-stranger, we should take it positively as our success in 'connecting' with another person, and see it as an opportunity to give somebody some psychological support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no need to discourage such confidences of intimate information the first time around, though it would be a different matter if they were to discuss it repeatedly on other occasions, in which case you might politely remind them that you have already given them your best possible inputs on the matter, and further discussion would be simply repetitious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exception: if they start to tell you something that could be related to a possibly unethical or criminal activity it is your right to (politely) end the discussion before you hear something compromising that you may be legally or morally obliged to report to the appropriate authority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another important exception has been pointed out in comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Another exception would be if the discussion leads in a direction that might require professional help rather than lay advice. In that case, saying &quot;You should consider getting professional help.&quot; might be enough. – &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/1720/user3169&quot;&gt;user3169&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T07:09:30.463" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T07:09:30.463" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1057" CreationDate="2017-08-13T20:40:03.753" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I gave the green check to @Kate Gregory, because the last sentence of her answer went &quot;click&quot; and gave me the solution I sought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My guess is that this person is not capable of imagining any down side&#xA;  to receiving help like this. &lt;strong&gt;It's a shame that you are stuck with&#xA;  having to explain that.&lt;/strong&gt;  (emphasis added.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What went &quot;click&quot; is that I don't have to explain anything; the onus to explain is on her&lt;/strong&gt; (and it is always a her). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, I should ask questions, in an incredulous tone of voice, until she goes away.  Of course, first I politely decline help:  &lt;em&gt;Thanks, no need to bother&lt;/em&gt;, or whatever is appropriate for the specific situation.  When the &quot;helpful&quot; person (PIA) persists:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ab2: What &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; you doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;PIA: I'm just trying to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ab2:  But &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;PIA:  (Something asinine)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ab2:  Why are you so persistent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, just keep asking questions. Do nothing except ask questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks to everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note this is a community wiki answer, so anyone can chime in, but no one gets rep points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-08-13T21:08:28.860" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T21:08:28.860" CommentCount="0" CommunityOwnedDate="2017-08-13T20:40:03.753" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1730" CreationDate="2017-08-13T21:12:36.013" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you know that it's customary you can just say that you're aware of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you all usually throw surprise parties for people who are on their way out... Please don't throw one for me. I don't like surprises.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option, if you don't mind getting together with your co-workers, would be to circumvent their planning with your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know that local bar you asked me about the other day? I was thinking about throwing myself a little going away party there on my last day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option two would probably be a little more gracious. It gives them an opportunity to give you a nice send-off, without the surprise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T21:23:44.267" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T21:23:44.267" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1737" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1738" CreationDate="2017-08-13T23:00:51.357" Score="123" ViewCount="26540" Body="&lt;p&gt;I enjoy baking, and on a number of occasions have baked cakes or other desserts for people in the office to celebrate their birthday or a work-related milestone. I've done this of my own accord, without being asked. I don't do this for every birthday or milestone, and it's usually related to me wanting to practice a recipe, or express gratitude to someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last week, I overheard a co-worker saying that I'd be baking a cake for a milestone they were close to hitting. I had never said such a thing, I had no plans to do so. When he approached me to &quot;suggest&quot; I bake a cake for the milestone, I said no, and he responded, &quot;But you like baking, so just bake a cake for us.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Baking is a hobby for me, but it's also time-consuming, and can get expensive for some things just with the cost of ingredients. The title is a bit misleading, as it's not so much about the &lt;em&gt;free&lt;/em&gt; part - I don't want to do it in exchange for money. It's more about the time aspect for me - time spent baking is time not doing other things I enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I explain to my co-worker that I don't want to bake a cake for his milestone? I'm finding it a bit tricky as I have set a precedent of baking things in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T18:02:20.067" Title="How do I tell a co-worker that just because something is a hobby doesn't mean I want to do it for free?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-13T23:18:06.603" Score="130" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you already said all that really needed to be said when you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No&quot; is a complete sentence. You're not always required to justify yourself when saying &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this qualifies as one of those situations. A coworker assumed that you would be doing something that you hadn't actually agreed to do, and further overstepped by telling others that you would. When they got around to actually asking, they chose not to accept your answer and said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But you like baking, so just bake a cake for us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who act like this kinda deserve to get shut down from time to time. It may even teach them to ask rather than to assume, or to obligate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel the need to explain, be direct and be firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You just assumed that I was going to bake for you. I don't have the time, money, or inclination. You should have asked rather than telling people to expect a cake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T23:18:06.603" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1720" CreationDate="2017-08-13T23:45:50.377" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's some subtle differences that are worth noting here...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's one thing to glance, it's another to look, and something else entirely to stare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people don't notice or care if you just glance at them. Some people may think it's a little odd if you're looking at them for an extended period. Most people will be a little uncomfortable if you're staring at them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind, try to avoid staring at people. Even women who find you nonthreatening probably don't appreciate it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you tend to &quot;people watch&quot; when you're out, try to divide your attention. Watch people, not a person. And try to be respectful of how you may be perceived while you're doing it. If a specific person tells you that it makes them uncomfortable, stop doing it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T23:45:50.377" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1740" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1720" CreationDate="2017-08-13T23:59:14.067" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;It doesn't matter how tall you are or what your physique is. You are describing creepy behaviour and then asking how you can ensure people are not put off by it. Staring at people because you enjoy looking at an attractive person (and don't care whether they want to be looked at right now) or you are interested in a conversation (someone else's conversation that you weren't invited into) is pretty much the definition of creepy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are telling you that you are not thinking of others and respecting the boundaries and space of others. You can learn to do that. You might just change your behaviour without reminders, or you might let people's uncomfortable looks remind you that you're not supposed to be doing that. Or you might find a way to be authorized to look at a person or listen to someone's conversation, which is typically to attempt to engage with them. However if you do that, you must be prepared to take &quot;not interested&quot; for an answer and then stop looking at or listening to the people who rejected you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-08-13T23:59:14.067" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-14T01:35:01.820" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Either say &quot;no&quot; whilst looking them in the eye... or since this is a work-related 'milestone' (I hate how much unpaid labour is given to workplaces, personally) get the boss to encourage the employees (do their job, in other words) by paying you for your time baking - even though I know you don't want to do it for money, it's the time and respect aspect you care about. Thus, this payment doesn't have to be admitted in front of everyone. So you can benefit from the kudos and the money. Or swap it for another favour from your boss AND from the assumption-pushy co-worker, who should know better.&#xA;It is kind of a compliment that people want to eat your cakes, incidentally. Turn this to your advantage, but make sure it is to your greater advantage than just &quot;oh look s/he baked another cake, good doggy, have a bone&quot; sort of thing.&#xA;Or just say &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3102" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T01:35:01.820" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-14T02:45:00.620" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the reason for not telling someone where you're from, is because you expect prejudice from them, then, logically, you deserve that prejudice, because you're hypocritically being prejudiced towards them by assuming they are asking for a &lt;em&gt;negative&lt;/em&gt; reason. Or avoiding telling the truth just in case. &#xA;Of course, this only applies in the absence of indications of prejudice (like a strong expectation of prejudice due to it being the common culture in the physical location or geographic region one is in when asked the question, the body-language of the questioner, the context, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, there is a logical reason people seek to distinguish between newcomers and those who have contributed (sometimes over generations) to an area's culture. If you don't like how that makes you feel as a newcomer (relative or literal), tough. It's human nature. If people do it without meaning, then that is to be disrespected. If they do it solely on race but that racial element doesn't largely relate to who historically created an area's culture and built an area, then that is to be disrespected. However, if say majority of people who historically and thus culturally made-up and created an area to be what it is today (good and bad...) then who are you to challenge that just because it doesn't conform to serving your feelings, or your ideals of political correctness? There is usually a more solid logic to that behaviour, than many would admit. Instead, they lie and act like ideals and reality should be the same thing, without a solid logical basis. That doesn't end well, note.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: in London, England (which isn't anyone's native area, really, except pockets of 'native Londoners' who live there for multiple generations, not take money and space yet leave no cultural legacy like most people). There is no wrong place to be from, it's where you're going to that matters... and what experiences, language quirks, cultural interests and stories you can bring to the table to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once asked a friend's new girlfriend where she was from (it was not the first time I had met her). She asked me why I was asking. People who are power-obsessive, always answer a question with a question...&#xA;She never did answer, which was way ruder and set the tone to be unpleasant.&#xA;She is from the Czech Republic which is one of the few places in Central Europe that I have been. The reason I was asking was to place the accent, as I like accents, and to attempt to relate (positive). &#xA;Some people like to maintain strong integrity around these issues and neither court positive nor negative discrimination (want to relate if at all, based on non-nation-based or cultural issues). &#xA;However, in this woman's case, she was being prejudiced towards me in assuming there was a wrong answer (I believe). This is in a Brexit era UK (I forget if it was pre- or post-Brexit).&#xA;I feel zero remorse at asking the question. When I am in the same position, I answer readily. Should I be ashamed to answer? Should people be ashamed to be curious? No and no! It's called 'discussion'. Let the chips fall where they may.&#xA;Anti-prejudice 'enlightenment' isn't served by being scared to talk. Tolerance is good but has to come from &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; sides simultaneously.&#xA;Feeling scared, paranoid and uptight is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's also what NO nation / region / city / group of people wants to have immigrate, as a vibe. Think about that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3102" LastEditorUserId="3102" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T02:59:18.417" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T02:59:18.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="459" CreationDate="2017-08-14T02:59:29.747" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally, it is OK to simply blow your nose in Japan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Japanese people don't blow their nose because they (especially most men) usually don't carry tissues, and because they can't throw away the tissues readily since there is practically no trash bin available in public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I just googled it and got pretty surprised to see that some people consider it unpleasant to blow their nose in front of others. It is ridiculous, as keep making an obnoxious noise by constantly sniffling is definitely more unpleasant!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it seems the divided opinion. I would rather like to see the poll by region, gender, and generation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend got the hilarity because of the &quot;trumpet-like&quot; sound; hilarity is never close to hostility, so don't mind it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you care about these naggers, it might be wise to go to a bathroom and blow your nose there. But I believe it goes too far and you don't need to. I also frequently see people blow their nose, especially middle-aged and elderly men but no one around them minds it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(But for some reasons I have rarely seen women do, and in fact the google search got me to know some naysayers dislike the blowing nose only if they are women. Ridiculous...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And some people seem to hate only when they blow their nose while eating, so you shall refrain at the dining if you care about these people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;UDPATE&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There seems to be no poll on the web, but &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.toku-chi.com/pages/bbs/topic_detail.htm?id=3596370&amp;amp;listCount=50&amp;amp;page=1&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;one website&lt;/a&gt; asked its readers which of sniffling and blowing is more unpleasant. Note that this website is strictly designed for wives, and over 80% readers are between 30 to 49, I guess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;sniffling is more unpleasant: 41 votes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;blowing is more unpleasant: 7 votes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorUserId="1700" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T03:17:16.070" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T03:17:16.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-14T04:42:02.703" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I explain to my co-worker that I don't want to bake a cake for his milestone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why do you want to explain it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have already refused the possibility of baking a cake for him. If he/she is not asking for an explanation, I don't think there is any need for explanation. You bake out of your own free will and If there is any misconception getting cooked up, you should end it as soon as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think he will take it personally, then if he asks again, you can clearly but humbly tell him that the gesture of baking cakes were less related to someone's milestone and more related to your own will to bake it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3015" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T04:42:02.703" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="63" CreationDate="2017-08-14T06:17:05.097" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Mimicry is typically a subconscious empathy response. Meaning that at a primal level we're wired to empathize and respond in kind. A very basic example of this is the &quot;contagious yawn&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The contagious yawn is a pretty well known involuntary mimicry, that was even &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.discovery.com/tv-shows/mythbusters/mythbusters-database/yawning-contagious/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;confirmed&quot; by Mythbusters&lt;/a&gt;. Not only has it been observed in humans, it has also been &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1810104/pdf/15801606.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;studied in primates&lt;/a&gt;, dogs, and &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/05/15/527106576/yawning-may-promote-social-bonding-even-between-dogs-and-humans&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;between humans and dogs&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would guess that most people have observed this phenomenon anecdotally...&#xA;You yawn, then spontaneously someone near you does the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-online-secrets/201508/why-psychopaths-are-immune-contagious-yawning&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;What's perhaps most telling about this phenomenon is that true psychopaths don't yawn in response to others.&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Researchers at Baylor University had 135 subjects take the&#xA;  Psychopathic Personality Inventory-Revised (PPI-R) and then exposed&#xA;  them to a contagious yawn experiment (this, apparently, is a thing,&#xA;  which is awesome). The Coldheartedness part of the psychopathy scale&#xA;  was strongly tied to whether the person yawned. The more coldhearted a&#xA;  person was (i.e., the less empathetic), the less likely they were to&#xA;  catch a yawn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Extrapolating from this small example of mimicry one might say that it is at least an indicator of one's ability to empathize.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T06:51:58.630" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T06:51:58.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1748" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1676" CreationDate="2017-08-14T06:35:53.937" Score="24" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;there's not enough to make it worth actually setting up a party, so I typically cancel in the hope I can have better luck on another weekend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't cancel - even with just a few people it can turn into a fun, sociable night - it will get talked about, and might help generate more interest the next time around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By cancelling each event at the last minute, you're getting a reputation for not following through - so people may well end up (subconsciously) assuming your thing isn't going to happen and take up another offer if it comes along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3109" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T06:35:53.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-14T07:44:54.853" Score="63" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think this needs to be so complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel the need to explain, just tell him what you have already said here: &quot;It is purely a hobby for me, but it is also time-consuming and I don't have time to bake you a cake (next week or whenever)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he persists with some kind of guilt trip about &quot;but you baked a cake for (whoever)&quot;, just reiterate that you had time then, but you don't now.  Be honest and sincere.  That's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really sounds like it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; that simple.  Don't let him badger you about this.   If he can't accept this simple and honest explanation, don't get into it further.  Just drop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3115" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T08:31:18.010" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T08:31:18.010" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1750" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1699" CreationDate="2017-08-14T09:01:49.757" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Actions speak louder than words. (these actions may not always apply, but it's a good foundation to establish a solid routine on paper and can be used throughout).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being a care-worker previously, my boss was the client. He would pay our wages and provide the jobs that were required of us. So, sometimes other care-workers would become a little too relaxed within the role (because he was paraplegic and was only ever in his bedroom, we didn't have much outside observation). I know you've asked for language per say, but what he did was put a system in place where they needed to follow and a &lt;em&gt;routine ensued&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Create Accountability&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had a system in place, which in turn would &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;create accountability&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; for our work. Ensuring we were on time, ensuring everything got done and we know who did it. As easy as it sounds just create a checklist, both daily and weekly. I'm not too sure how your caring is handled (mine was in his home), so there was always something to be done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, have the checklist and list all the daily activities that must be done, well daily (I know caring is very meticulous and this should pretty much exist already). The person doing those activities will then sign them off as and when they're done and you both sign them off at the end of the day (that way they know they can go home and you know that they have done enough).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would also have a weekly checklist (i.e. cleaning around the house, food shopping etc, simple admin work.. or whatever it is you have to do within the week) and that would get signed off only by the client at the end of the week, but the caregivers would still sign them off as and when they do them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, the caregivers want to leave early and you check the checklists and they haven't done enough (either weekly jobs or daily jobs), just ask them nicely:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Seeing as you have another 15 minutes left, can you do XYZ for me on the daily/weekly checklist and sign it off please, then we'll both sign you off for today? it'll make it easier for [enter caregiver name here] in the morning/afternoon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also have the opportunity to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/the-9-elements-of-highly-effective-employee-praise.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;praise and reward&lt;/a&gt; them, too:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Looking at both checklists, I've noticed you've done a-lot this week and I thank you for that, I'm happy for you to leave 15 minutes early today if you wish. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ensure, you do all of this in a calm and collected way. They would have no reason to go against your wishes. &lt;em&gt;Praise is key&lt;/em&gt; if they're doing good work, as you said you don't have bargaining power, but you can give them the benefits they're already taking advantage of, if they earn them rather than feel obligated to have them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, the care is run as a routine and there are things that need to be done, you both know that because it's written down and should be followed. &#xA;It's not so much reliant on your relationship but simple admin. You don't have to be their enemy or their friend, per say, but you can reward them for the work they're doing and ask them to do more when they're not pulling their weight. Remember, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;it's a job&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and they should respect a professional relationship between both the client and the caregiver.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pros&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You both know who is doing what, when and how the workload is being shared.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have ammo if you need to speak to anyone about the work they're doing without it being about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; but about the evidence in front of you. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;With a limited income, it really doesn't cost too much.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cons&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you haven't got a routine like this in place, it'll take a little getting used to. (i.e. ensuring that it's printed off, signed and filed consistently). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's a little more work for the patient, but depending on your caregiver turnover (if it's high) it would put the routine in place faster (as long as you're sticking with it, your caregivers will).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T11:14:54.883" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T11:14:54.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1752" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1754" CreationDate="2017-08-14T11:51:13.573" Score="9" ViewCount="9243" Body="&lt;p&gt;I told my friends some secrets today... I'm not sure I meant what I even said, as the secret was about a person I did not like very much, and it was rather unpleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friends had asked me why I didn't like that specific person, and I answered them honestly (a little too honestly, I think...). I told them not to reveal my thoughts to him, but I am unsure I did the right thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I tell the person, whom I did not like, the truth? I know that if I let my friends let him know, he'll probably hate it even more than if I tell him myself. I need advice on what's the best thing to do right now, as well as in the long run so as to avoid such stuff in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding culture and location, I am from India, and am in 11th grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T12:27:43.307" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T05:42:58.803" Title="How can I make sure my friends keep secrets?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1752" CreationDate="2017-08-14T12:18:52.937" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;In the present: Don't tell the person what you said.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, your friends should be well aware that if the other person finds out about what you said, you'll have an unpleasant situation to deal with. In high school, there were times when my friends and I made non-complimentary comments to each other about another student who had behaved obnoxiously. We trusted each other to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; make our feelings known to others. We're friends; we're not going to set each other up for embarrassing social situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friendships involve trust - the trust to understand another person's feelings and thoughts, and empathize when possible. That trust is often implicit; you shouldn't have to state outright that you don't want your friends telling this other person how they feel. If your friends share your secret, they've broken that trust. You would be within your rights to be angry at your friends - and they should know that. Backstabbing is not conducive to relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; recommend telling the person what you said. Consider how you would feel if someone walked up to you and said, &amp;quot;Hey, I don't like you because [X, Y, Z].&amp;quot; You'd be offended even if they added &amp;quot;Oh, and I'm just doing this because my friends might tell you even though we were trying to safely talk about it behind your back.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, your phrasing might be more tactful than this . . . but the sentiment is exactly the same. I &lt;em&gt;highly doubt&lt;/em&gt; the person will respond better to you telling them to their face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In the future: Keep these secrets truly a secret!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are secrets I have - feelings, thoughts, desires - that I have never voiced to my friends. &lt;strong&gt;It's entirely possible to let a secret slip by accident&lt;/strong&gt;, even in the cases of the best-intentioned people. Maybe a friend of yours is talking to another friend about the person you dislike, and they happen to mention that you, too, dislike the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My deepest secrets are known only to &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; close friends - or none at all. Accidents happen, people mess up, and there's no better way to avoid this than by keeping things inside. In the future, if you're worried about your friends keeping a specific secret, then simply don't tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T21:37:04.483" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1752" CreationDate="2017-08-14T12:30:22.823" Score="12" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Once you share it, a secret has a life of its own. It's no longer in your control.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust is one of the pillars of friendship. Do not let your secrets out in the first place, unless you absolutely trust your friends to keep it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To prevent your friends from spilling your secrets, you should look at how they could possibly do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell your friends that it is a secret, in case they're clueless that it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell them the seriousness of the possible consequences, otherwise, they might not consider it a secret worth keeping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They may get carried away talking about stuff to others and expose it unintentionally. Hope such situations don't arise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Secrets may sometimes end up being valuable information worth trading for something in return. Hope your friend values your trust and friendship more than such trades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some friends may secretly hate you, and go behind your back intentionally causing you harm. Hope it's not such fake friends in your circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More importantly, have self-control. You cannot control others or expect them to hold your secrets for you. Next time be careful who you tell your secrets in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;It's important that you are a trustworthy person to your friends.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If in the past, you have failed to keep their secrets, it's possible that they won't bother keeping yours a secret. If you are trustworthy, you will attract friends who would like you to trust them as well. They will be on your side, only if you have been good to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, should you go tell the person that you hate, that you hate them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOPE! I don't know the connection you have with that person or what actually makes you hate them, so I can't comment on that further. But for now, I say, don't go up to them out of the blue and tell them you hate them. Don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just try and convince your friends to keep this a secret.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T18:21:05.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-14T13:18:06.727" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A strategy for the near future, to counter&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm finding it a bit tricky as I have set a precedent of baking things in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might just bring a cake in between occasions, and maybe even omit baking for occasions for some (short) time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are going to ask about the occasion, and you can explain that there is none. Baking is your hobby, you just wanted to try a new recipe, and they are your guinea pigs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit in response to comment: I don't suggest to change your behavior completely, just to make it slightly less predictable. The question was &quot;How do I explain...?&quot; This will communicate your motives by showing, and creates an opportunity to explain them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3120" LastEditorUserId="3120" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T07:34:33.570" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T07:34:33.570" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1586" CreationDate="2017-08-14T13:39:13.767" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I honestly don't think there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a polite way to put this in a peer environment as I extrapolate your workplace to be. Exception perhaps where people observe there is an untouched source container that you served yourself from and which you are making available, and they are really hungry or forgot their own lunch or money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will likely succeed in not giving offence only where the recipient is living a more marginal existence as Tom Au noted above, and is truly grateful for your laudable willingness to share or donate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="427" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T13:39:13.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-14T14:37:25.330" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your coworker has no reason to expect you to bake for them and they are being presumptuous to assume you will always be able to make a cake for every event. The very fact that you &lt;em&gt;haven't&lt;/em&gt; done it every time should tell them that you bake by choice, not by default. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank them for appreciating your baking but ask them to respect that you bake for fun, not out of any obligation. All of the things you explain here are things you should tell your coworker. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's time-consuming/you are too busy right now&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ingredients are expensive &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you do it for fun&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You probably shouldn't mention that you do it to thank people because he will likely ask why he shouldn't be thanked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could certainly make a recommendation of a good local bakery for them to buy a cake from instead. If they complain about the cost, you can ask why they think you should have to cover the cost for them by spending your time and money on their cake. Alternately, do you know of anyone else in the office who likes to bake? Perhaps they would be happy to take on this person's celebration. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also have broached the subject when you first overheard them talking about it. They may have been spreading this misinformation all over the office between when you overheard and when he approached you which might make the lack of a cake embarrassing for him... but that isn't your fault. You should be aware of it, which is why I recommend mentioning a bakery or coworker. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, don't give in to them. &lt;em&gt;They&lt;/em&gt; made an error, assuming that you would bake for them. You shouldn't be punished for that. Give him an alternative and ask him to check with you first in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't let it effect when you choose to bake in the future. You do it for fun, not out of obligation. Don't let the stress of his behavior diminish your enjoyment. You are not to blame. You did nothing wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been in a similar situation. I love to bake and bring in treats. My boss wanted me to bring in hundreds of cookies/cupcakes for a party and we were able to make an agreement that I would be compensated for ingredients and time. I used it as a chance to practice baking in bulk, which I'd never done before. But, as you say, in this case it's not about money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T16:00:35.203" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T16:00:35.203" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-14T14:39:43.740" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;A hobby is something you do for fun and enjoyment. The motivation is internal. Work is something you do because you have to. The motivation is external. If you're forced to bake a cake then it ceases being a hobby and becomes a job. It's not really any different than if your hobby was fishing and you occasionally brought your catches in to share, or woodworking and you gave away your latest creations... The process is your hobby, and a side-effect is the product (cake/fish/wooden knick-knack). That you choose to share any products of your hobby is great, but making sure your coworker understands that your cakes aren't tied to the milestones is important to prevent this kind of misunderstanding in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Milestones are an excuse, not a cause&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let them know that Milestones are an excuse to practice your hobby, but you don't bake for every milestone, rather if you happen to have baked at the time of a milestone it's a good excuse to bring the results in and share. However, as baking is a hobby not part of your job you only do it when you have time and inclination, not for every milestone. It also would be worth mentioning that being required to do it takes some of the fun out of it, and makes you less inclined to want to do it in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you'd asked me first I might have considered it (assuming I had the spare time) but your assumption that I have to make you a cake makes it seem like a job and takes the fun out of it. When I have the time and ingredients to do some baking I'm happy to bring in some of the product to share, and a milestone can be a great excuse, but no one is required to bring food for milestones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T15:59:19.523" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T15:59:19.523" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1720" CreationDate="2017-08-14T15:04:30.387" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just adding something...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smile if someone catches you making eye contact. &lt;strong&gt;They've done studies on this; if someone catches you staring at them, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/eye-contact-how-long-is-too-long/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;smile and break away after 3 seconds&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I read once that animals only make eye contact to have sex or fight. You'll often be told to not look at apes in the eye in regions where there are wild apes and monkeys. Although obviously, this doesn't hold true for people, &lt;strong&gt;eyes are very important to communicating intent. They might see you desiring them, and find it uncomfortable&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sideways-view/201412/the-secrets-eye-contact-revealed&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Related link&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mantra: &lt;strong&gt;deliberately use your body language to communicate what you want to say&lt;/strong&gt;. If you want to be friendly, don't hold a gaze on someone for too long, be near to the conversation (but not too close), and chime in occasionally. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wikihow.com/Look-Approachable&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Friendly body language&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T16:04:57.037" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T16:04:57.037" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-14T15:12:04.990" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say, &quot;I'll do the baking if you raise a fund to pay for materials and my time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would tell people that there's a cost to your doing the work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you have done baking before, it's not so easy to refuse this time. But you could &quot;price&quot; high to make them aware of the cost. &quot;I'll do the baking for $1 million.&quot; OK, that was a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it seems like $100 might be too little. Maybe $1000 sounds better. So offer to do the baking for $1,000 or any other price that sounds good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they take you up on it,you've earned a lot of money. And if the ask why, tell them you've &quot;moved on,&quot; and need to be paid to come back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T23:24:23.020" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T23:24:23.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1764" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1676" CreationDate="2017-08-14T15:22:48.420" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Wanted to add a few things, these are from my personal experience...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Plan parties well in advance&lt;/strong&gt;. I plan mine about a month or more in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Invite &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; people then you want to come&lt;/strong&gt;. I invite about 2-3 times more people than I want to come, because about 1/2 - 1/3 actually show up. This will make your party &quot;self-sustaining&quot; i.e. you don't have to talk to everybody yourself to keep the conversation going. When you have a large group, I find it to be far easier than a small group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Encourage your guests to bring friends&lt;/strong&gt;. This will expand your social circle and fill in gaps in your invite list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Had trouble finding outside sources:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wikihow.com/Plan-a-Party&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to plan a party&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T16:03:08.427" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T16:03:08.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1585" CreationDate="2017-08-14T16:11:23.600" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, if you're asked &quot;How do you like the way I look?&quot; most often it's not even a question, but fishing for compliments. Even if it's not fishing for compliments, then asker is looking for your support of the decision, to validate it, and not for fair judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you genuinely find that person pretty and can express it, then focus on that. Phrase it something like &quot;a pretty person looks pretty in every haircut&quot; so you'll compliment the person (what could be the point) and avoid the feature you don't like. Never express dislike, even when pressed further. At most say &quot;I really liked the previous one&quot;. This avoids saying the bad thing, and replaces it with a good thing. Even if the good thing is no more, it still was a good thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Attractiveness is a very complicated thing. Our brains trick us to believe that the primary purpose of maintaining own image is to &quot;express oneself&quot;, while it has no other purpose than to attract potential partners. When you're giving your honest opinion, you're basically asking to sacrifice his/hers &quot;personalized&quot; look only to cater to the needs of a single person - you. That's why your personal opinion rarely actually matters here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this reason, you should also try to set your personal preferences aside, and try to objectively find good things. Eg. that short hair make one look younger or that the fake nails are going well with wearer's eyes. If you have nothing good to say, you can at least say that the change was &quot;refreshing&quot;. If you have the time to prepare, you can get a crash course on recent fashion, to ready rock-solid arguments why this new haircut is so hot right now. You may come out as a fashion guru : )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T16:11:23.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-14T16:49:52.500" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To quote your comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In this instance, if I was asked first, I would still have said no, as I don't have the time at the moment. In another case, I may have been more obliging if he had asked me first, but because of this, I'm now reluctant to say yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have mentioned, &quot;No&quot; is a full sentence. Additionally, if you do feel the need to explain and don't want to offend anyone, just say what you did here: &quot;No, sorry but I'm busy this week&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also add on what people who get asked to knit/crochet free stuff often say to stave off other &quot;gimme&quot; requests: &quot;No, sorry I'm busy this week.... and I have baking planned for the foreseeable future/next xx months/schedule is chock-full/etc.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He/she doesn't need to know that you plan to bake imaginary cakes for yourself ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T18:09:52.443" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T18:09:52.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1720" CreationDate="2017-08-14T16:53:53.930" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not going to comment on the ethics of listening in on the conversation of others, but to be less creepy while doing so: &lt;strong&gt;Don't stare at them&lt;/strong&gt;. Gaze into space or at a tree or car or something. Trees and cars don't find it creepy to be stared at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T16:53:53.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1752" CreationDate="2017-08-14T17:00:03.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I tell the person, whom I did not like, the truth ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not unless you &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; that person to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that if I let my friends let him know, he'll probably hate it even more than if I tell him myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So ... ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you particularly need that person to like you ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't like them, so why does it matter ?  You cannot control how they react, and you cannot &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; how they'll react to hearing this from someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And they may not believe what they hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let this play out and see what happens.  Don't force it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need advice on what's the best thing to do right now, as well as in the long run so as to avoid such stuff in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep your own counsel.  While you can tell people secrets, simply learn to only confide in those you trust deeply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you will find you tell people things and regret it later.  This is normal for all human relations.   You simply have to learn to accept that sometimes things do not work out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is normal to feel a need to share your inner thoughts with people sometimes.  But you need to learn that sometimes this has consequences and that &lt;em&gt;you cannot control or anticipate these always&lt;/em&gt;.  So you must learn that this is a risk, and you cannot live life without risk - it's impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regarding culture and location, I am from India, and am in 11th grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not familiar enough with Indian society to make any comment on that, but people &lt;em&gt;everywhere&lt;/em&gt; have to learn to live with need to trust people.  Unfortunately that's not risk free and never can be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T17:00:03.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-14T17:24:20.607" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;For me a bit of social engineering can go a long way in situations like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always be kind, polite, generous with your response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No thank you, but I appreciate you thinking of me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Said kindly and with a smile its disarming and people do not like to disappoint or argue with someone who is treating them kindly.  So even though you said no, they are put into the position of explaining why.  If they do press it will likely be in a more pleading manner than the demanding tone they tried to take in the first place.  And you can respond&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry I just am not going to be able to bake this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect you are a normally kind and giving person so just continue to be that even while delivering the bad news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T17:24:20.607" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-14T17:38:09.897" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In work/professional situations or on the off chance they use a professional email address, you can ask for their email address. In many offices, corporate email addresses are something along the lines of: firstname.lastname@company.com. &lt;strong&gt;Many people will also often use firstname.lastname@email-provider.com or some variation on this for private emails.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The downside to this is that you may need to explain why you want their email address.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastEditorUserId="2397" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T20:49:52.157" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T20:49:52.157" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1773" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1799" CreationDate="2017-08-14T18:20:54.520" Score="15" ViewCount="3179" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was at Victoria coach station in London a few months back and a woman out of nowhere started crying in front of me. She had just got off of the phone and was visibly shaken up, she just kind of sat against the wall and held her head between her legs (from what I gathered from the situation she wasn't a harm to herself or others, she was what seemed to be very upset at the particular phone call she just had). Unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough to help. A woman went up to her and consoled her before me (I'm not quite sure what the dialogue was).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With friends, I can handle a situation such as this. I know they're comfortable enough with me to give them a hug and try to calm them down, but with a total stranger I wouldn't know how to approach it, but &lt;em&gt;I do want to help them&lt;/em&gt;, I'd feel really bad just leaving them to cry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how should I react in a situation such as this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T15:36:26.703" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:39:21.390" Title="How to react when a complete stranger bursts out crying in front of you?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1775" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1779" CreationDate="2017-08-14T19:16:58.830" Score="14" ViewCount="10020" Body="&lt;p&gt;About a year ago, I became acquaintances with a guy who I thought just needed a little help getting things started. He has asked me to lend him money a few times, and I have always refused since I don't think he'd ever pay me back (even if he could). However, I have helped him with transportation quite a few times, including helping him move to different apartments more than once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is, this is clearly a one-sided relationship. I only ever see him when he needs or wants something from me, and he has never once done anything in return, aside from saying the words &quot;thank you&quot;, then disappearing until he needs something again. He also seems to be very presumptuous in just assuming that I will help him as long as I have the time: if I tell him no, he usually expects me to have some reason for it aside from &quot;I don't want to help you anymore.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of all that, he has asked me some very personal questions, such as directly asking me what my car cost, and how much my salary is. (I've never answered these questions, btw) These questions, of course, makes me very uneasy about him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, I'm just fed up with the situation, and feel uncomfortable every time I see him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm having trouble thinking of how to phrase this as a specific question. I'm just looking for advice on what actions I can take to improve the situation, or if I'm just overreacting or being selfish. I'm fairly sure that he does really need the help, but I also feel like I'm just being used and I'm getting tired of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: For some context, I'm in Canada. While I want to be clear that I don't think his race has anything to do with it, perhaps it's important to know that he is from Nigeria. I believe he's on a student visa, but plans to immigrate here to stay if he can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3145" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T10:11:11.447" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T15:15:19.347" Title="How to deal with someone who always takes, but never gives back?" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;sharing&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2019-01-07T19:05:30.763" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1773" CreationDate="2017-08-14T19:24:59.050" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps the best way to approach this problem is by first asking yourself, how would you like a stranger to react if you were crying in a similar context?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I wouldn't mind if a stranger approached me and kindly asked what's wrong. Regardless of the reason I was crying, I would still appreciate the fact that someone cared enough to ask, and that would bring me great comfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3157" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T19:24:59.050" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1752" CreationDate="2017-08-14T19:51:55.193" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Secrets almost never stay buried forever. Your friends may be perfectly trust worthy, but even then these things have a way of getting out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the secret was just why i dislike my friend... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This comment changes things a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the secret you're expecting your friends to keep is why you have a problem with a mutual friend, you need to weigh the loyalty that your friends may have to the person who you have a problem with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a common problem that occurs when two individuals in a friend group have a falling out. It sounds like you've already made a bit of a misstep by venting to people within the group and you're aware that your words may have consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you handle it from here depends on what outcome you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just want to be done with the person you have a problem with, you've likely already set things in that direction by announcing the problem to others. By involving your other friends you're inadvertently putting them in a position to choose a side. Be aware that some of them may not choose your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to make peace with the person, you'll need to do some damage control. Talk to the person you have a problem with directly. Hash out your differences, and apologize for involving your mutual friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your instinct to talk things out with the person you had a problem with was the right thing to do. Admittedly it's a little late now, you'll have an uncomfortable apology to make on top of working out the original problems, but it's better to wrap up the situation than letting it hang over your head. Like I said, these things have a way of getting out eventually. Better to get it over with than worry about it coming out later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T19:51:55.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-08-14T19:59:48.947" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;That is really a compliment that you enjoy my cakes so much. Thank you! I am sorry but I have to decline, I really have a lot going on right now.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*If you feel like contributing to the cause, you can further suggest:&#xA;&quot;Why don't we all chip in a get a nice cake from the [XXXX supermarket] bakery?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;**Use the &quot;chip in&quot; option with caution because if it catches on, you might be permanently off the hook for baking cakes in the future but you could be subject to being hit up for cake donations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my high school Journalism class, we used to chip in and order a sheet cake, pizza, chips and bottles of cola from the corner bakery to celebrate special occasions. At least I got my share out of the goodies. Then you can bring in your sweet contributions &quot;just whenever&quot; as a special treat. I should also suggest that you do what I do, alternate goodies in the future: be random with cakes, pies, cookies, doughnuts, sweet rolls, strudels, crisps, turnovers, empanadas and other pastries to share for special occasions and &quot;just whenever&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3160" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T19:59:48.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1779" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1775" CreationDate="2017-08-14T20:09:07.407" Score="16" Body="&lt;h2&gt;It depends on whether you want to keep the relationship.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How important is this person to you? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is it that keeps you going back to help them?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you answer these for yourself, you have two directions you can go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you really think this person is important to you and want to improve things between you, it is worth talking to them openly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sometimes, you make me feel very insignificant in our relationship and as if you don't care about me beyond what I can do for you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be honest with how you feel, it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes, especially if you want to improve the situation. It might seem unlikely right now, but he might not even know he's doing it and, by the sounds of it, he could be under some stress (with moving from apartment to apartment and the money troubles), You could be his only port of call in these situations as you've said yes in the past. Also, from what you've said he may not know that many people with him immigrating from Nigeria. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Honesty really is the best policy.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you don't wish to associate with them and they have already proven to you that they are not worthy of your friendship. (Remember, friendship is a two-way street.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You're not obligated to explain yourself to them and you could just cut-off ties with them, when they do come to you for help, simply ignore any attempts by them. But, in my opinion, no one will learn unless they are being told that their actions do have an impact on others.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could also just tell them how you feel and let them know why you're cutting ties with them. This &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; help them see the errors of their ways, especially if they know their actions are making them lose a friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but over the last year, I've felt that this has been a very one-sided friendship and I don't think I can carry on helping you if I at least don't feel appreciated for what I do. I just feel like you only come to me when you need something... I don't think we should be around each other anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T12:52:31.683" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T12:52:31.683" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1780" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1785" CreationDate="2017-08-14T20:33:09.150" Score="103" ViewCount="22870" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to start off by saying that I'm not referring to &quot;family friendly&quot; restaurants or other venues where a loud, informal atmosphere might be expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm specifically asking about dining establishments where, under normal circumstances, a conversation is typically quiet, and there's generally no interaction between patrons seated at different tables.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There have been times where I am at a quiet restaurant with my wife, enjoying a nice meal and some conversation, and a child at an adjacent table starts creating a disturbance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The disturbance is most typically screaming, top-of-the-lungs crying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a personal aversion to loud noises.  They make me uncomfortable.  My wife has hearing difficulties that only become an issue when there are multiple sources of noise conflicting.  Loud background noises make it difficult for her to pick out individual words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When children start screaming, our ability to have a conversation stops, and our ability to enjoy our time together declines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I have plenty of sympathy for parents dealing with an unhappy child, I would prefer for them to consider the impact on fellow diners, and the context of the venue.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way to approach this that is likely to result in a positive outcome (e.g. one of the parents takes the child out of the immediate dining area until the crying fit is resolved)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T15:30:17.277" LastActivityDate="2018-12-26T13:09:49.743" Title="How do I deal with other people's screaming children in restaurants?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1782" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1793" CreationDate="2017-08-14T20:44:12.833" Score="9" ViewCount="1030" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm giving a class for a new co-workers group. There are 9 students (or new co-workers), and one of them (let's call him Bob) has a lot of questions, of which many are really good (70%) and the remaining questions are out of context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have responded to almost all of those questions (95%), but Bob seems to be very insistent, and sometimes I have to respond with a higher voice tone. The problem with raising my voice is that I don't want Bob to think that I have something against him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to know how (if there is a way) to deal with someone who asks too many questions without my falling in despair. And, how do I keep the group in order under these conditions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2010" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T22:47:54.900" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T05:32:17.670" Title="How to deal with a student who is curious to the point of disrupting the class?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;mexico&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1536" CreationDate="2017-08-14T20:52:48.890" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As one who actively does volunteer work, some of which requires rendering assistance in filling out applications and questionnaires, lately I preface such a situation with the disclaimer: &quot;I have to ask, and get &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; response, to every one of the questions. So please bear with me as we go through each of the questions, ok?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the more interesting issues I have faced is how to deal with a person who identifies as genderless, genderfree, non-gendered, ungendered, or being without a gender identity. We have a long way to go to accommodate those who who identify as having no gender whatsoever. While being agender is still rare, we are seeing an increasing number of people who identify as being agender. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3160" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T20:52:48.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1784" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1775" CreationDate="2017-08-14T20:53:16.367" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This one is easy since you are barely acquaintances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just Phase out, next time he calls don't answer he might keep calling or go to your place then grab your stuff and go to the movies (or any other venue that requires to turn off your phone), if he stills get a hold of you say you can't help him because you are going with your parents, church a yoga class, to the gym, anything. if he really needed the help that day he will find another person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3163" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-14T21:25:32.493" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T21:25:32.493" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1780" CreationDate="2017-08-14T21:03:27.930" Score="125" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way I've dealt with this situation is to ask my server if I could be moved to a different table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's a little loud over here could we move to another table? Perhaps outside?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approaching the parents of the screaming child isn't likely to go well for anyone, they're already stressed and preoccupied, just don't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking to move to a new table solves the problem on your end, and alerts the restaurant management that there's a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-14T21:03:27.930" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1786" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1782" CreationDate="2017-08-14T23:03:31.230" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, I would, first of all, ask Bob to stay after class and express how much I value his participation, in fact, I value it so much that I want him to organize a 5 min round of questions at the end of the class with his class mates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if you don't want to address him personally just tell everyone to hold their questions until the end of the class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3163" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T05:32:17.670" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T05:32:17.670" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1787" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1790" CreationDate="2017-08-14T23:57:19.647" Score="33" ViewCount="6469" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am shy, introverted, and have social anxiety, so chatting with people I don't know is usually very uncomfortable. I've gotten better at it, but it's still a struggle. On a few occasions it's been pointed out to me how awkward I am being. When I hear that, I just want to shrivel up and disappear - obviously not a viable response!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple examples where this happened:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trouble maintaining eye contact -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You can look at me, you know!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meeting a new person (who was pretty blunt, but in a cultural difference sort of way), when I thought I was doing a pretty good job of being &quot;normal&quot; -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;So! I see you're pretty shy!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty sure they just meant it in a light-hearted fashion, but I get really embarrassed by attention being called to my social failings, which just makes it worse :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying &quot;Haha, yeah, I have social anxiety&quot; is way too personal to share in these scenarios, but I have no idea what they were expecting me to do or say. Were they really expecting me to go &quot;oops you're right, let me turn on the Social Butterfly switch!&quot; &lt;strong&gt;What am I supposed to respond with when this happens?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(For what it's worth, I have a similar reaction when someone tells me to &quot;speak up&quot; or repeat myself because I talk softly, but at least I know what I'm supposed to do there!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T10:53:02.890" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T05:34:17.140" Title="How do I recover from my social awkwardness being pointed out?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1782" CreationDate="2017-08-15T00:07:29.737" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;We can ask Bob to stay after the class and take up all questions at one go, a face to face conversation, but with this approach, the other mates are going to lose the responses that you are going to provide, which may result in the same questions to be asked in the coming classes by someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other way is, for the questions within the subject limits we can answer them, where as for the out of context questions, you can simply say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;we will take up that question in [so and so] topic as it is out of&#xA;  context here&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(or) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;We can discuss this question and have a deep dive on it in [so and&#xA;  so] topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3172" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T00:07:29.737" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1789" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1787" CreationDate="2017-08-15T00:20:33.517" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ha. Ha. Thanks for pointing that out, it's &lt;em&gt;super&lt;/em&gt; helpful...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Said in a sarcastic tone, it can indicate that you're aware of the social convention, but that you're also aware that it is kind of rude to call attention to someone's social anxiety. Admittedly it's more than slightly passive aggressive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another approach is to just ignore it, some people seem to think that everyone should be as extroverted as they are. You can always just sort of shrug it off like what they said didn't really register as something worth responding to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Eh... Whatever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case it's worth knowing that what they're doing in these instances is a little rude. They may not mean any real harm, but it's still not exactly kind. They're putting you on the spot, and they are at least aware of that much. You may be shy, but there's nothing inherently wrong with being shy. Feel free to put people in their place when they put you on the spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T02:05:03.917" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T02:05:03.917" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1787" CreationDate="2017-08-15T01:29:32.570" Score="26" Body="&lt;h2&gt;About feeling socially awkward&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that you're uncomfortable telling the other person that you have social anxiety.  That's perfectly understandable. Although the other person might very well understand, and even respect you for your candor, many people find it uncomfortable to discuss their anxiety with others, and there's no reason you should do something that makes you even &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would, however, suggest that you not think of your anxiety as a &amp;quot;social failing,&amp;quot; because it's merely a characteristic of your personality, not a failing.  You might find enjoyment in the book &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/com/B004J4WNL2&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;.  It points out the value that people who aren't naturally outgoing bring to their environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest keeping in mind that when another person draws attention to shyness, they don't necessarily mean it in a demeaning way.  If they are outgoing themselves, they might not understand why someone would be shy, and their willingness to draw attention to it is a natural outgrowth of their own inhibitions and willingness to speak freely.  Personally, I have been called shy by people who also expressed respect for me in other ways, so even though it took me off guard to be called out, I was able to take it without feeling like it was an attack on my personality, or an undesirable characteristic.  Of course, that doesn't mean handling these situations is simple, for me or for anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What you can do when someone draws attention&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people do understand that everyone is different, so if you're seeking a middle-ground between &lt;em&gt;acknowledging the anxiety&lt;/em&gt; and trying to &lt;em&gt;fake it&lt;/em&gt;, or pretend that the anxiety doesn't exist at all, there is the option of acknowledging what they say in a minimal and honest way.  You can always say something along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's just the way I am sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm just being myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's just me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try something along these lines, you might find that the other person brushes off the issue.  They've met shy people before, and they probably won't push the issue further.  If they do, and continue to needle you for being shy, then they might not be the sort of person you want to be associating with anyway.  You could tell them, &amp;quot;Sorry, it's nothing personal,&amp;quot; and allow them to either let it go or else you don't have to keep answering their questions.  You're not obligated to be interrogated by other people because you feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Easier said than done&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Out of the pieces of advice people receive for handling awkward situations, few of them are easy for a socially anxious person.  People often say, &amp;quot;laugh it off,&amp;quot; but sometimes laughing or grinning can be difficult during moments of anxiety, and attempting to fake it when you aren't really feeling it can cause more discomfort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, brushing off a comment by saying, &amp;quot;That's just the way I am&amp;quot; might not seem easy at first when in the heat of the moment.  Maybe try this sort of response the next time you feel as though you're in this situation, and consider it practice.  If it doesn't feel right, you can either decide to keep practicing, or try a different approach the next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, overcoming specific aspects of social anxiety -- as with other anxieties -- is often accomplished through &lt;em&gt;immersion&lt;/em&gt;, or subjecting oneself to difficult situations until they become easier to handle.  Think of each time that this happens as another step toward feeling more natural the next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3042" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T01:29:32.570" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1780" CreationDate="2017-08-15T01:55:54.433" Score="110" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Preface: Some people have taken offense at how pro-parent this answer is.  There's good reason for this.  In any meaningful interpersonal situation, we have to pay attention to the mindset of both parties in order to find the best solution.  Everyone knows the mindset of the person who has to hear the child screaming.  We've all been there.  Those without children have not been in the position of the parent, so it's the parents mindset that is most valuable from the perspective of an IPS answer.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Speaking as a parent, you don't have to tell us.  We already know.&lt;/strong&gt;  In the end, there are only two major differences between your situation and ours:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We're much closer to the source of the noise, so it's louder for us.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We know it's our job to fix it.  If we could, we would.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going out to eat as a parent is a balance.  On one hand, you don't want to disturb other clients.  We know you don't want to hear our kid scream.  Believe me, we don't want to hear them scream either.  On the other hand, we want to be able to go out to eat as a family.  We can't go to Chuck-e-Cheeses every day.  It's a balance.  We can't 100% capitulate to your desire for a quiet environment, and we can't 100% assume that we are the most important people in the world and do what we want, regardless of your ears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Apaul34208 has the right idea.  Talk with the restaurant management.  They have a fiscal interest in keeping their clientele happy.&lt;/strong&gt;  They also employ people for their skill at resolving these sorts of issues.  They can look at the eyes of the parents and figure out really quickly whether the parents need to be told to control their child, or if the best approach is to get you a seat further away from the commotion so that you and your wife can pay attention to each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do feel the need to take matters into your own hands, please watch our actions first.  If we're trying to stop the screaming or if we're clearly stressed out by the screaming as well, there's really nothing you can tell us that would make the situation better.  Only &quot;alert&quot; us to the issue if you're confident that we really didn't notice that our kid's screaming was a problem.  I'm not sure how that could happen, but perhaps if the parents were drinking heavily and the kids were playing in a different room in the establishment...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And do fully expect us to respond with, &quot;You're not a parent, you wouldn't understand.&quot;  While it is rude and stereotyping, it's also rather true.  It's &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; hard to understand what kids do to your life until you have them.  Is it fair? Probably not.  However, as a general rule of &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; interpersonal relationship, if someone is already close to their breaking point, pestering them will only make it worse, and the response should always expect in such a situation is a snippy response which firmly announces that they don't care about what you're thinking.  &lt;strong&gt;Pushing someone who doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with being pushed always leads to conflict, parent or non parent.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you watch the family long enough, you'll eventually see another parent couple leave the restaurant, walk past them and say, &quot;We understand. We've been there,&quot; before walking away.  Believe me, it's not fun to be in that position (or in the lavatory of a plane with a screaming infant on the way back from a canceled wedding.  That's my horror story).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, if you have any skill with kids yourself, and can go over and get them to stop screaming without issuing blunt force trauma or mental scarring, don't be afraid to get your hands dirty.  Obviously, make sure the parents are okay with you interacting with their kid, but I'm not sure what sort of parent in their right mind would prefer a screaming kid over a happy one.  If I can't figure out how to control my child, and someone else walks over and does it, I look at them with awe, not hate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case where the parents don't care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When interacting with parents that don't care, you quickly get trapped between the desire to help them learn and the desire to make them leave. I would still rely on talking to management. They still have a fiscal interest in keeping you happy. However, if I see that the family simply doesn't care, I use much stronger tone and words with management. As a parent, I want the benefit of the doubt, but I think I relinquish that benefit once I stop caring about others. I would expect some results from management. They may not be in a position to eject the family, but they should start treating you as a dissatisfied client. They might comp your drinks. Or they might only give you a &quot;we're sorry,&quot; but they should do something.  If enough people complain about the same family, they may act on it (such as in Curt's example in the comments, where enough people in a movie theater complained and caused management to eject the family).  Certainly, don't suffer in silence.  Let management try to make you happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you do get in such a situation, focus on what they choose to do to try to keep their clients happy.&lt;/strong&gt;  They are in a bind between two paying customers themselves, and that's a delicate balance.  The difference is that they're getting paid to maintain the balance -- you're the paying customer.  Focusing on what people are doing to help you always improves the mood over focusing on those who are disturbing you.  And then, afterwards, decide if you feel like patronizing that establishment again or not.  It's your money.  See if they earned it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Conflict Approach&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the comments, several people have had the attitude of &quot;they just shouldn't be in my restaurant.  They should be elsewhere.&quot;  Now I can't dismiss this attitude, as much as I might like, but I can explain why you can't find an answer on Interpersonal Skills that goes down this route.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel they just shouldn't have come to your restaurant with the kid (stay home, get a babysitter, go elsewhere, etc.) then we really have a collision of wants.  They want something out of the night (they did go out to dinner).  You want something out of the night (you did go out to dinner).  If you believe they need to surrender their wants to support your wants, you are seeking a path of confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you in the right for wanting to seek confrontation?  Maybe.  That's a very complicated question.  However, we don't need to answer that question to look at just the side effects of any confrontation, justified or not.  In a confrontation, the results depend greatly on who is involved -- both you and the parents.  If you are Liam Neeson, and you walk past my table, glare at my kid, and walk off mumbling something about a &quot;special set of skills,&quot; I think I'll take my hint, ask for a check, and find somewhere else to be that night.  If you don't look like Liam Neeson, I may not catch your reference.  If I am a big bruiser, you probably don't want to tell me what to do.  If I'm a shrimp and you're a big bruiser, maybe it's in your heart to push me around.  Whatever happens, it's going to be hard to predict from afar.  That's the nature of conflict.  Always has been, always will be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that the confrontational options are so specific to the individuals, there's no reasonable way you can get advice on a site like this on how to cope with your particular confrontation.  The non-confrontational approach of going to management, who you are &lt;em&gt;paying&lt;/em&gt; to put your wants before theirs, is reliable and can be recommended.  You are welcome to come to your own conclusions involving conflict, but its just not feasible to help you come to that conclusion in this format.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="486" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T01:43:44.037" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T01:43:44.037" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1787" CreationDate="2017-08-15T02:01:10.260" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, it will take a frame shift for you, but it would be better for all parties if you took this to be useful feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a co-worker at my office who is smart, capable, and incisive.   But in a conversation with anyone, he very rarely makes eye contact.   This dramatically impacts his effectiveness, and his ability to connect to others.   I'm pretty sure that he's not aware of it:  it would be life-changing for him if he was more mindful of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The people that are making these comments are almost certainly not doing this to be mean, but because your behaviours are making them uncomfortable, and they are hoping to correct it.  And they're likely mentioning it because they would like to feel more comfortable with you.  You are getting direct feedback about the things that make you seem socially awkward.  That's valuable information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that you feel knocked down a peg when someone says something like this to you, and I totally sympathise.  But if it's your goal to become &lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt; socially awkward, it's really helpful to understand particular behaviors that lead to that impression, so you can work on changing them.  Right now, it sounds like you are so deflated by the remark that you feel even &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; awkward.   It's a chicken-and-egg dilemma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will take a shift in attitude and mindset to accept these &quot;criticisms&quot; with optimism and grace. The response you're so reluctant to make,  &quot;Haha, yeah, I have social anxiety,&quot; may well be the best and most productive response to these comments (or, if you don't want to publicly diagnose yourself with a clinical label, you could say, instead, &quot;I'm sorry, but I'm kind of shy,&quot; maybe followed by &quot;Thanks&quot;).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may not be what you want to hear, but from what you wrote, it sounds like these people are not trying to be hostile, but to give you feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had social anxiety when I was younger, and it was largely appropriate, because my social manner was awkward: I was not coming across socially as the person I thought of myself of or wanted to be.  Had I had that kind of (presumably) friendly feedback more then, I would have worked through it many years sooner than I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastEditorUserId="2065" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T01:57:02.000" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T01:57:02.000" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1782" CreationDate="2017-08-15T02:05:21.677" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're describing a short-term situation (new-employee orientation?) rather than an ongoing one like a semester-long college course.  I took a similarly-structured class a few years ago and saw the instructor handle a student like that very well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The setting was a seminar that met for a couple hours every day for a week.  The instructor had distributed a syllabus for the week, and then at the beginning of each session gave an overview of what we were going to cover on that specific day.  This established scope -- we have two hours to cover X, Y, and Z.  Here are examples of how the instructor handled different types of questions/interruptions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For things that would be addressed later in this session: &quot;that's a good question, which we'll get to in about 15 minutes&quot;.  This tells the student there &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; be an answer but doesn't slow things down.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For things that would be addressed later in the week: &quot;we're going to cover that in depth on Thursday, but (one-sentence summary of the answer)&quot;.  This gives the student &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt;, because holding your question for days can be frustrating, and like the previous one tells the student when to expect more detail.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For things that are relevant and not on the syllabus: first try the short answer, which might be enough.  If the student presses for more detail or has followup questions: &quot;I'll need to spend more time to give you a proper answer and I want to make sure we cover everything on today's agenda, but I'll be happy to discuss it with you {after class, over lunch, etc}&quot;.  This shows the asker &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; the other students that you respect everybody's time (we're not going to bog down on this right now) and also that you're happy to help in a different setting.  &lt;strong&gt;Alternate approach:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;We don't have time to get into that now, but {some accessible source} covers that in a lot of detail.&quot;  You can use this when you think the asker can do his own research if you point him in the right direction.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For things that aren't relevant: &quot;I'd like to keep us focused on {current topic}, so let's not get into that now&quot;.  If the student really cares he'll follow up outside of class and you can decide how to handle it then, but often it seems this is enough to convince the person that it wasn't that important (or that he should figure it out on his own).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you are teaching coworkers rather than students who'll be gone in a week, you might want to plan for some free-form discussions either during or after the class -- for example, unstructured lunches with the students during the class (when anybody can talk about anything), or periodic deeper-dive sessions on aspects of whatever it is your group does.  I once worked at a company where the chief software architect gave a casual weekly talk (with plenty of Q&amp;amp;A) on whatever part of the software he thought people should know more about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A final thought: at several companies I've seen good results from assigning mentors to new employees.  This isn't just for early-career people or recent graduates; even experienced people need to learn the ropes of &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; organization, product, process quirks, etc.  The mentor acts as a way to channel most of Bob's questions to that one person, which provides relief for everybody else (like you).  Of course, it has to be organizationally ok for the mentor to spend time providing that guidance -- the mentor won't get quite as much of his own work done during the new person's ramp-up time, but if the mentoring provides a net benefit to the organization it's worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T02:05:21.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1782" CreationDate="2017-08-15T02:06:27.407" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best response might be &quot;That's an interesting question, but a little off-topic.  Let's talk about this after class.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That gives the student some good feedback, but doesn't let him derail the class.  If he's asking because he's genuinely curious, he'll approach you after class.   And if he's asking just because he's impulsive, he will forget the question, but you won't be giving him the immediate attention that he seems to be craving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can almost guarantee that after a few rounds of this, he'll scale back his public inquisitiveness, without feeling shut down or demeaned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T02:06:27.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1795" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1467" CreationDate="2017-08-15T02:13:39.790" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just bite the bullet, and lose the game at least 1/3 of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Children like engaging with adults:  but letting them win all the time is patronizing, and only helps lead them to a false self-concept.  And winning all the time is dispiriting, and doesn't give them much emotional reward for being with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So play with training wheels.  It is kinder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastEditorUserId="2065" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T23:26:07.787" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T23:26:07.787" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="63" CreationDate="2017-08-15T02:36:04.847" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Mirroring is inborn in most of us, and helps to achieve subconscious rapport.  Most people do it, but neither party is normally aware on a conscious level that it is being done (unless it's being done in an unnatural way).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The behavior has been noted for at least 40 years by psychologists and anthropologists.   Even higher social primates like chimpanzees and bonobos do it (I first learned about this when I read &lt;em&gt;The Naked Ape&lt;/em&gt; by Desmond Morris, over 20 years ago).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a function of a special kind of neuron in the brain popularly referred to as &quot;mirror neurons.&quot;   But some people don't seem to do this automatically, either because of the way their brain is wired, or because of social self-consciousness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neurolinguistic programming (NLP) literature deals with this extensively, and provides lots of guidance on how to do it in a natural-seeming way.  The two most important tips are:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't mirror gestures and postures &lt;em&gt;precisely&lt;/em&gt;, but in a loose and&#xA;approximate way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The mirroring shouldn't take place immediately, but some time after&lt;br&gt;&#xA;the other party has shifted their own behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, mirroring should also copy (approximately) the vocal tone, energy, and pace of the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you explicitly asked for citations/references, &lt;a href=&quot;https://coachingandthejourney.wordpress.com/2012/10/22/the-art-of-building-rapport-part-i-mirroring-matching/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; is a pretty good online article about mirroring and mirroring technique.  You can download a more academic study of the phenomenon &lt;a href=&quot;http://file:///D:/Downloads/HoveRisen2009_SynchronyIncreasesAffiliation.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastEditorUserId="2065" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T03:01:01.230" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T03:01:01.230" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1797" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1780" CreationDate="2017-08-15T02:46:16.207" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would alert the server if you have issue &amp;amp; see what can be done.  That is really the only recourse.  Personally, I have children, so I actually carry small toys in my purse that I often offer to parents in this situation.  You would be shocked how often a kind stranger approaching is so welcomed and the child very often finds the toy enough distraction to be appeased.  I think the surprise value goes a long way on interrupting the meltdown &amp;amp; making them forget what was so upsetting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, as someone who has dined out a lot, I am always so surprised how often people complain of this.  I have rarely ever seen such a thing happen (I've seen it, just rarely) and more often have seen adults that were obnoxious, rude to others at their own table, talking loudly or too crass, etc.  I also then think of those with disabilities, or special needs. Are they too not permitted into &quot;fine dining&quot; as they might be upsetting if they get upset, or just talk too loudly, or can't master all of the proper socially expected etiquette?  I mean really, is there any place you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to go that says that those that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; draw some attention to themselves won't  be permitted?  I know a very fine elderly lady who LOVES a beautiful meal in a nice place, but also has partial facial paralysis &amp;amp; struggles with eating neatly.  Should she stay home?  Some people think so.  I have to question the humanity in such thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yes, I agree, parents &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; try to keep children entertained &amp;amp; happy.  Other people should try to speak low enough to keep it at their own table, and others just should do their best in whatever ability they have, and so on.  But realistically, once you go out to a public location, you need to anticipate it will never cater 100% to your liking.  It can't.  It is public.  If you absolutely must have things your way, then you can get take out &amp;amp; find a gorgeous park, or have a small lovely catered in meal (that is often cheaper than people suspect). When you are out, no matter how &quot;nice&quot; the place you are going, unless it's a private event, you have to just learn to anticipate that other patrons may not be precisely to your preferred choosing.  If it's over the top, you can seek a servers help, but other than that,any direct &quot;confrontation&quot; to suggest what another person &quot;should&quot; do is unlikely to ever be taken well.  When I offer a toy to parents of an upset tot, I offer empathy, not suggestions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T02:46:16.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1782" CreationDate="2017-08-15T02:59:10.763" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am Bob....literally.  I have been diagnosed with ADHD, I manage med free.  I have always done very well in my career and in school, however, I also am intense for a lot of people.  I do ask tons of questions, most are good, I am sure a lot are off in left field to some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way that works for me that &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; have learned with age &amp;amp; mistakes (I am betting I am &quot;old&quot; Bob versus your Bob), is write it down.  I have been asked to not ask questions during a lecture or teaching.  It's okay.  You can do that.  You can allow &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; very specific clarification questions pertaining to this exact moment, such as a word definition, or a further detail on an item, questions such as &quot;Now is this before or after...&quot;.  Just limit questions during the talk to things that need a &quot;right now&quot; sort of clarity.  But all other questions should be jotted down to be addressed at the end of the talk.  I can't speak to whether Bob is self-aware enough to know he does this, so there are 2 ways to approach that.  If you think you can kindly address him alone on this after a class, then that is fine (I've had it happen to me &amp;amp; I felt bad I put the teacher in the position to have to do it, but wasn't offended).  Or you can simply tell the whole class that you are having some trouble squeezing in everything that needs to be covered, so due to time crunch, from here forward, this is the format.  If Bob persists after telling the whole class, you will have to tell Bob directly.  His busy brain might have been thinking up a new question while you told the class. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And FWIW if Bob asks a lot of great questions, you telling Bob they are great questions only feeds the cycle.  It feels good to be told you have input to offer, even by way of questions &amp;amp; he might use that to validate that he is of value.  He is a new hire and likely &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to be seen as eager.  If that may be true, also hold off on complimenting the question.  Your well meaning (and appropriate) compliment may, in fact, make the situation worse on the whole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T05:31:30.413" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T05:31:30.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1773" CreationDate="2017-08-15T04:08:28.497" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, if someone got to her first, that is okay.  You will not always react as quickly as others and the fact you &lt;em&gt;wanted&lt;/em&gt; to be of help shows solid character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears to me you are a man, and as such, it may also cause you more hesitation to approach a woman crying for unknown reasons.  It is hard to know how you will be perceived.  It is generally always safe to give someone adequate distance for personal space while asking if they are in need of assistance.  Only do this though if you intend to actually try to assist.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also be aware that sometimes you end up dragged into a messy drama that is none of your business and you may end up regretting.  I have had the unfortunate experience several times to find that happen.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one occasion I stopped to assist a driver who had gone off the road on my way to work.  I am in the states and here we have no obligation to do so.  I saw it was a woman alone though and didn't want to leave her there.  It became apparent soon after I made a terrible mistake and should have called help instead.  She didn't want the police called, she had no license, she tried to insist I give her ride elsewhere and leave the car (illegal), etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yes, I do still try if I see someone in need &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; I also thank my lucky stars if someone else gets there first.  It might be someone I really would love to help, or it might be like the lady wanting me to assist her in breaking the law and begging my help after insisting didn't work &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; making me late for work all in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T05:09:21.143" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T05:09:21.143" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1800" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1814" CreationDate="2017-08-15T05:05:22.513" Score="9" ViewCount="7402" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am renting a room in a large, shared house with people from all ages, ethnic backgrounds, and nationalities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was informed by the housing manager that there had been a complaint against me by a fellow female tenant (I suspect Alice (although the Manager never mentioned any names)) for discussing maid cafes and suggesting she wear a maid outfit. (I did talk with a couple female tenants (Alice and Jane) on different occasions about my plans for the weekend when asked and mentioned I would be going with some friends to a maid cafe and may have jokingly suggested they come along as a maid or something similar.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The housing manager then went on to say that there had actually been a number of complains by other female tenants who overheard me discuss maid cafes, making them feel uncomfortable, although he never mentioned what exactly was said that made them feel that way. I don't believe ever having said anything inappropriate or even discussing it around other people so I have a feeling the complainant may have gotten some of her friends to complain as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The manager then wrapped-up the discussion and suggested I be careful about what I say to people and advised I not try to find the person who complained for fear additional tension or awkwardness be created between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not very upset about them complaining against and am not a spiteful person but would like the complainant I am sorry that something I said made them feel uncomfortable so we can hopefully be on friendly terms (I'm not really concerned about being friends with this person or people but I would like us to be on friendly terms since we see each other almost every day in the common areas). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I'm not 100% sure who complained. There were two women I talked to about the maid cafe and unsure who it could have been, although I have my suspicions since one of them always smiles and greets me, and the other no longer does (although as the manager said, there were multiple complaints and it could have been both of them, since they are also friends).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I let the complainant know I am sorry what I said upset them and meant no ill intentions?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(My idea was to apologize to each of them, something along the lines of, &quot;hey the manager told me my comment about maid cafes made someone upset so I'm not sure if it's you but if it is, sorry.&quot; but of course, slightly better formulated.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: all names used are placeholders and may not the names of the actual people involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3178" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T16:51:48.150" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T11:48:12.420" Title="How should I approach a situation in which I made a female roommate uncomfortable?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-08-15T05:56:13.500" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Can you elaborate on why you think you need to know who it was? It doesn't seem like you really believe such a thing happened. Especially when you write stuff like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;so I have a feeling the complainant may have gotten some of her friends to complain as well&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which one might interpret as your feeling threatened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is just about apologizing, if you told the Manager you are sorry the Manager can relay your message to the offended parties. That should be enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There probably is no way to independently prove what happened, so I would let it go. Pretend it didn't happen unless someone else initiates some contrary action.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, to be clear about saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would be going with some friends to a maid cafe and may have &lt;em&gt;jokingly&lt;/em&gt; suggested they come along as a maid or something similar&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DON'T DO THAT. Make sure you understand why that is. By writing &quot;jokingly&quot; you seem to be trying to make an excuse rather than owning up to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastEditorUserId="1720" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T06:03:12.543" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T06:03:12.543" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1780" CreationDate="2017-08-15T06:20:11.217" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn't going to be a popular answer, but I have used this tactic before with success...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use non-verbal cues to let the parents know that you've noticed their kid's misbehavior and that you're not happy about it. Make direct eye contact. If they're the kind of parents that are already feeling self-conscious about it, this might be the motivation they need to finally leave. If they're oblivious, this might call attention to the fact that they need to do something about their kid. If nothing else works, ask the waitstaff or the manager to intervene. Just make sure you have the moral high ground when doing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have 3 boys of my own. As a parent, I know first hand that it's a gamble taking your kids to a venue like that. I've had to excuse myself from the table to take my son out to the car to calm him down before, and I expect other parents to give me the same courtesy when their kid is being difficult. There was an entire 5-year period of my life where I didn't see a single new movie that came out in the theater, so you can imagine how I feel when I see idiot parents bringing their kids to an R-rated movie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point is, we live in a world that has become, in my opinion, increasingly narcissistic to where nobody has common courtesy anymore. I don't think it's my job to go around teaching people lessons about manners, but I also don't think it's too presumptuous to call people out for being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="284" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T06:20:11.217" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1804" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1805" CreationDate="2017-08-15T08:20:53.943" Score="97" ViewCount="62106" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I'm at social gatherings/parties, people would inquire about my job and, because I'm an app developer, they think I earn substantially more than I do. (Oh, the joy!) They then follow up asking about my job with something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;So, how much do you earn then?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be a valid response when someone asks this question, as this information isn't something I feel comfortable giving out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: I don't care too much about where data protection/professionalism is involved, i.e. a recruiter asking me how much I currently earn for them to gauge how much I would like to earn in another job or when applying for a loan (as a couple of examples). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; See a related post address &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/1960/2167&quot;&gt;why people are unwilling to share information about their salary.&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T10:03:58.260" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T18:03:51.203" Title="How to respond to someone when they ask how much you earn?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="19" ClosedDate="2018-10-11T18:19:49.167" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2017-08-15T08:20:53.943" Score="137" Body="&lt;p&gt;How I would normally respond is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Enough to pay the bills&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, they'll get that you're unwilling to disclose this information, they'll also know you earn enough to get by. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should reply with a polite undertone which insinuates that you're saying it in a way that you haven't taken offence to the question, either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; As @Emrakul rightly points out in the comments. Your body language can change this response from a light-hearted and friendly one to a hostile one. So, as recommended a &quot;Smile, grin and shrug&quot; alongside the speech, should suffice. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T02:57:14.033" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T02:57:14.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2017-08-15T08:42:59.770" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;A clever quote I had often used in a humorous way is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You might very well &lt;em&gt;ask&lt;/em&gt; that; but I couldn't possibly comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which is one of the many variants of a quote from &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Francis_Urquhart&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;House of Cards&lt;/a&gt;. It's used as a plausibly deniable way of agreeing with people and/or leaking information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Watch on Youtube an &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oz8RjPAD2Jk&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;example&lt;/a&gt;, and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wu8BB8RBTM&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;another&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE:&lt;/strong&gt; Use with caution, and only to friends who will &quot;get&quot; it.  And as always, your body language will be a factor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T11:30:55.767" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T11:30:55.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1807" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1773" CreationDate="2017-08-15T08:54:24.743" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depends on the situation and how you are able to cope with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First two important questions:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;Are you in an area where people are expected to pass through intermittently, but is deserted the most time?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;Are you outside immediate help?&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples: staircase, parking deck, a road at night. If you answer both questions with &lt;em&gt;Yes&lt;/em&gt; and encounter such a person, &lt;em&gt;be very cautious&lt;/em&gt;, it could be setup. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If you see or met another person before loitering around for no discernible reasons&lt;/em&gt;, it &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; to 99% a setup. &lt;strong&gt;Do not approach, leave the area immediately and hold your mobile ready&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you think it is genuine, you can simply ask &quot;Is everything ok/all right?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Person reacts negatively.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The person moves away from you, turn away their head, shakes their head surly. Then the person knows you are there, but do not want your help and would not appreciate it. Leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Person does not react at all or is acting strangely.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Even if you speak louder or carefully touch them on the shoulder, there is no reaction. Or the reaction is quite unnerving: The person seems to be disoriented or acts out of order. In this case which looks like a complete breakdown call the ambulance or ask another person to do that for you. It seems professional help is necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Person reacts neutrally or positively.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;So the person knows that you are there and is either observant because (s)he is ashamed or afraid to ask for help or directly invites you to help and listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it depends on how good you are socially. If you are not so good, simply offer to call help. If you believe you can handle this, speak quietly, simply hold the person (if it is welcomed) and listen attentively. Unfortunately, you will now hear a very sad and stirring story, expect that your clothes will get a little wet. Simply listen and do not try to solve the problem, the person most likely only need someone to vent their grief and frustration and order their thoughts. Normally people are quieting down after a while and get more and more responsive and clear about their situation. They will tell you then if they need some professional help or simply be very thankful and leave you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2066" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T18:26:55.257" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T18:26:55.257" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1787" CreationDate="2017-08-15T10:48:33.580" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even when people are not shy, there are situations they don't actually quite know how to deal with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I am very extrovert. (a bit too much, other side of the spectrum but same reasons: self-esteem problems) A few years ago; I remember an older woman (friend of my parents-in-law) who said I looked liked her dead son. She kept saying that a few times and I totally did not know how to respond. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I knew why though:&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are rude, then you might upset her, &lt;em&gt;and having a son who passed away&lt;/em&gt;, it is not the best solution. But if you are nice, you may risk that she keeps wanting your attention, something I did not want either. That moment I chose to be silent for the first time in my life. It did not help myself, because I felt sour for weeks about it. But if it happened again today, I would do the exact same thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution is different than the other posters here, of course, they all have great examples how to respond. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your main concern should be: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why worry about it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I believe that is where your solution is. You are focusing on their side. Why do they say that? And what do I have to say in return? While you rather should focus on: &quot;I cannot do something about it. So I should let it go. I am who I am.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you can respond the way you always respond. Shy. Because so what? If people find problems in that, they shouldn't be in your life. ( and most of them are gone after that anyway... ) Good riddance, right? It's called selection. You personally select the people you want (close) in your life. Everyone else is just extra. It may sound rude, but it is the best defense system. If you keep worrying about their opinion, you only find yourself doing a lot of hard work, with no results. What a waste of energy, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social anxiety is something you have to deal with. It's hard or even impossible to ever get rid off. But you can train to be less affected by it. And the best way to do that is professional help. They can give you the right tools to make yourself stronger and survive the mean, angry, extrovert world. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3198" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T16:17:30.530" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T16:17:30.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1713" CreationDate="2017-08-15T11:41:49.057" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;China and the USA share a bond, I think, and perhaps we can include much of Japan and east Asia, it being that few from these nations learn to fluently speak a second or third language.  America is, by far the worst offender, though. Therefore, we have no complications when we articulate speech, that is we don't have to rummage around for or translate images into the correct language of the moment.  There is an old joke, if a person who speaks two languages is bi-lingual, one who commands three is tri-lingual, then what do we call someone who speaks one language?  American!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are geographic, social, and economic rationales for what seems to others as rude and even ignorant on our part, but we, the USA, had no practical need, unlike the Old world where your neighbor spoke another tongue, here we needed only English.  The South West being an exception, but by the time of the Westward expansion, the habit of speaking only English seems to have been adopted.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This rumination, of course does not answer your question, but it does lay the ground work.  We speak quickly, because we can.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With respect to CNN, my recommendation would be not to watch a media source for conversational English or even information on current affairs.  The cable news stations are 24/7 and tend to cycle both reports and speech, furthermore the redundancy of word usage is compounded by the dumbing down of language to better suit the listening audience.  Your problem, may not be understanding the language so much as not understanding why conversation does not culminate in an answer.  Wolfe Blitzer, in my opinion, is the guiltiest actor in that regard.  He can stretch a soft-ball question out so long that the subject is lost and the listener confused.  Succinct is not part of his lexicon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are told, that is Americans are reminded regularly, that the rest of the world finds us rude and culturally ignorant and few can disavow the truth, but we are nice and if you get lost in a conversation, simply ask the person to slow down or repeat and they will endeavor to accommodate your needs.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Americans are not frustrated by social rules governing status, elder respect, and interactive conduct that have developed in Asia over five millennium.  Certainly we recognize qualities in others that demand forbearance, but for the larger part, anyone may speak to anyone and pay deference or not.  Adulation is not demanded and so whole parts of conversation are eclipsed for an Asian listener.  Where you might expect a courtesy to be extended to a person of rank in Asia, here it may not be and the pattern of conversation is altered for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your writing I suspect you understand all that is said, perhaps you need to understand more about American culture than the language itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2534" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T11:41:49.057" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1812" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-08-15T11:59:26.510" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hope I'm not being redundant when I say focus on breathing.  Stress can cause us to forget to breathe or hyperventilate and either will alter the chemistry of the brain.  Seeing red is the end result of not breathing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Carbon monoxide is as important as oxygen to the process. If we don't make use of and then expel the oxygen hydrogen mix that we inspired, our cerebellum will not tell us to take another breath.  Breathing is only partially voluntary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When flustered, do this; breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of eight, exhale for a count of eight and begin again.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, be prepared and know your material!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2534" LastEditorUserId="2534" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T19:39:56.307" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T19:39:56.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1814" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-08-15T12:40:20.977" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I let the complainant know I am sorry what I said upset them and meant no ill intentions? (My idea was to apologize to each of them, something along the lines of, &quot;hey the manager told me my comment about maid cafes made someone upset so I'm not sure if it's you but if it is, sorry.&quot; but of course, slightly better formulated.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is one important problem with making that approach, which is that the woman or women chose to bring the complaint not to you but to the manager, which should in all seriousness be conservatively interpreted as their signal of unwillingness to engage with you on this admittedly sensitive issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your approach with explanatory or apologetic intent might be unwelcome to them and, as pointed out by several members in answers and comments, possibly be misinterpreted as an attempt at self-justification, argument or intimidation, none of which is helpful to promote better relations between you and your housemates.  (It can also create the idea that the manager revealed the identity of the complainant, which he didn't.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;strong&gt;unless one or both of the women comes forward to bring up the issue with you, it is advisable to respect their wishes not to directly discuss the matter.&lt;/strong&gt; But you can &lt;em&gt;indirectly&lt;/em&gt; express your understanding of the situation through very proper and consistently respectable behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am making a further assumption based on your question that you were not fully aware of the implications of maid cafe's, and did not intend to offend their sensitivities by your comments. In that case, and because reapproaching the problem can  potentially escalate it, you need not apologise for saying something  that &lt;em&gt;unintentionally&lt;/em&gt; offended an unknown person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is notable that if those women had been your  close friends and very familiar with your personality, they might not have taken offence at your same statements. So it is best to be very careful how you behave with and what you say to &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; your housemates till you become very familiar with them and establish specific grounds for making more intimate statements, especially with gender-sensitive connotations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, quoting a recent very pertinent comment under this answer,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the lesson isn't even specific to whatever a 'gender sensitive' issue is. The issue extends to all manner of sensitivities and certainly many men are uncomfortable with the idea of Maid Cafes, as there are also women who are not. The OP is in a living situation with a bunch of folk he doesn't know well, in any such situation &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt; would be advised to tread a little gingerly while they get to know people. – Spagirl [&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1800/how-should-i-approach-a-situation-in-which-i-made-a-female-roommate-uncomfortabl/1814#comment31874_1814&quot;&gt;link to comment&lt;/a&gt;]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing we can do in such situations is to understand that especially with people who don't know us very well, what we say can create various impressions beyond our control, and we should generally learn to be more careful while mentioning certain things. You got your feedback right there: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Talking about maid cafes is not OK! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remain confident and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T11:48:12.420" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T11:48:12.420" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1816" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-15T12:45:58.410" Score="10" ViewCount="9490" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often I'd like to tell people to feel free to drop by, for instance for a birthday, without wanting them to feel obliged to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially my mother interprets any hint that she and my father might drop by, as an explicit invitation and often feels obliged to come, even if she already had something else planned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I word such an invitation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell someone that they should feel free to drop by, without having them feel obliged to come?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2020-09-08T12:42:42.733" Title="How to tell people they should feel free to drop by, without necessarily inviting them?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2017-08-15T12:54:53.657" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the UK, it is incredibly rude to directly ask someone how much they earn. I wouldn't even expect to be asked by my own parents. It's not necessary to make light of the situation or play it off with humour. You can just respond with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I prefer not to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's not something I talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wouldn't be considered rude by refusing the answer the question, the person who asked the question is the one being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2249" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T12:54:53.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1819" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1825" CreationDate="2017-08-15T13:13:29.203" Score="26" ViewCount="7824" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note: this question may have a strong Indian context, but I am looking for inputs from members all over the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eight years ago a close friend of mine, aged 30 at the time, met an 18-year-old girl who later became his sister. This is India, remember, and it happens here. [In India, this is a rather common practice, especially in North India and among students: when somebody feels sisterly towards someone, they may formally tell the person that they will become siblings. It means that a sibling bond can occur between non-related individuals by mutual agreement. &lt;strong&gt;However, the people in this question belong to South India, where this is much less common and not really a tradition.&lt;/strong&gt;]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They were very emotionally attached to each other for nearly five years – just like real siblings – although communication was mainly through text messages. Eventually, she got married at 23 to somebody aged probably 26, and she and her husband are apparently happily married with a 2-year-old infant child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend allowed his communication with her to taper off after her marriage, for fear that her husband might mistrust the unofficial sibling relationship – he wants to do nothing to potentially disrupt her married life. However, he is conflicted because he misses her terribly and feels she might think that he no longer cares for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Complicating factors:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The siblings belong to different religions, which is still a barrier to social acceptance of any relationship here. Moreover, the sibling relationship between unrelated individuals, which carries significant validity in North India, is nearly unrecognized in South India and carries no automatic social validity.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Due to innate mistrust of social attitudes, both instinctively concealed this unconventional friendship from their respective families, and the girl has never introduced her unofficial brother to her husband. It is a fact that husbands tend to be jealous and possessive.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My friend has always felt helpless due to his unofficial sibling status, in terms of being able to be a presence in her life, and he constantly worries that the husband or some other relative will refuse to accept the basis of this sibling connection, which could have serious complications in a conservative-minded society.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I knew the girl in question a few years back (but no communication for years), my friend has asked my advice. Should he try to resume e-mail contact with her? My response was weak: &quot;If she were my sister, I too would worry about the husband's mistrust..., but let me think a bit about it.&quot; So, I need some good inputs within a few days from the relationship gurus at Interpersonal.SE!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T01:29:38.253" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T06:05:26.533" Title="Is it possible for my friend to resume communication with his unofficial sister without earning her husband's mistrust?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="17" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-08-15T14:58:08.993" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's an &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/out-the-ooze/201707/how-avoid-creeping-women-out&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;article from Psychology Today&lt;/a&gt; on &quot;creeping women out&quot;, I'm posting it to help anybody else who finds this and doesn't understand why they're creeping women out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I too used to be &quot;creepy&quot; when I was younger, simply because I was clumsy at phrasing jokes on sensitive subjects. &lt;strong&gt;It's best to avoid sexual or demeaning topics with women you don't know well,&lt;/strong&gt; if you're a man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the article. This makes it pretty clear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Women almost universally reported the feeling that the guy in question had some sort of sexual interest in them, and this was not perceived as harmless or flattering.  The fact that women are simply at greater risk for sexual assault and that the costs of this are potentially greater for them means that they must be especially vigilant about sexual threats for sound evolutionary reasons, and hence, they are more likely to fear that a guy may not be just a creep, but a pervert as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorDisplayName="user2191" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T20:29:49.307" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T20:29:49.307" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2017-08-15T15:11:53.973" Score="11" Body="&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Enough to get by, but not as much as I'd like&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a slight variation to yours, but often the one I would use if I am not comfortable disclosing pay to strangers, friends or family. It has a nice &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I am doing good, but not Bill Gates rich&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;feel to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, a friend of mine loves using:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not enough to sort from high to low&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explanation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a joke about online shopping. When people go online shopping they often sort prices from &quot;low to high&quot;, because you want to buy what is cheapest and not most expensive. My friend is implying he does not make enough to have the luxury to always shop and start with the most expensive option&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3016" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T19:09:22.640" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T19:09:22.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="226" CreationDate="2017-08-15T15:17:49.423" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Shy and introversion are different things that result in similar social results &lt;strong&gt;when compared in a single scenario&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being shy is a mild form of social anxiety. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/shyness&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Which means the person is nervous, hesitant and uncomfortable with interacting with people even when they want to&lt;/a&gt;. Shy people are more likely to avoid conversation in the same way a fear of heights may prevent you from climbing the monkey bars despite seeing other kids having fun. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Introversion is a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/introversion&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;preference for solitary activity that is stronger than the preference for social interaction&lt;/a&gt;. So given the choice between going to a party and finally finishing that book, the introvert is more likely to prioritise the book. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extroversion is a preference for group activity and social interaction. Given the choice between a party and reading, the party takes priority. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Between a shy person and an introvert both prefer to avoid socialising, so shy and introversion appear the same, especially when compared against the extrovert.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more obvious difference between the shy person and the introvert is in their social skills. A shy person would have constant problems trying to handle new people and by choosing to avoid people they would rarely be able to practise their social skills. That becomes a perpetual cycle - no practice, no skills, no way to improve and get over the nervousness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An introvert simply chooses not to socialise but doesn't have a problem interacting when required or when they want to. Therefore the introvert would be able to develop their social skills. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the phrase &quot;extremely outgoing and extremely introverted&quot; isn't contradictory. It just means that when present &lt;strong&gt;in a single social situation the introvert in question is as outgoing as the extrovert. They just don't attend social situations as much compared to the extrovert.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you held a party twice a week for a month - At the same party you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the introvert and the extrovert, but you would if you monitored their attendance over the month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In (simplified) summary the shy person wants to socialise but can't, the introvert can but won't, the extrovert can and will while the outgoing person will socialise regardless of their ability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3221" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T15:35:41.560" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T15:35:41.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1819" CreationDate="2017-08-15T15:23:40.850" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;People from different cultures have different customs and values. That is a reality. In India, many women are second-class citizens, and that's also a reality that must be dealt with in any answer given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My major concern is for the young woman's safety and happiness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say your friend reaches out to her, and her husband finds out. Would her husband believe her if she explained that the relationship was platonic? Would he accept this as an allowable relationship? Or would this lead to discord and potential abuse of any kind? Would a resumption of the relationship result in discord or abuse of any kind?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stated that the relationship cooled 5 years ago, presumably when she got married. Why wasn't your friend invited to the wedding? Had the bride ever spoken of him to her fiancé? Was he OK with it, or did the relationship end at the fiancé's request? When and why did his little sister stop communicating with your friend? All these circumstances matter. If she did communicate after her marriage without any negativity from her husband, I'd say it's ok for him to tentatively reach out now. But if she did so only secretly, I'd say let sleeping dogs lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until the person who misses his little sister can answer these questions, he should not try to rekindle the relationship. I am not familiar with your culture, but it sounds like maybe not so good an idea unless the questions I've asked are ridiculous (which I would be happy to know.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would an intermediary be an appropriate person to make contact with the bride on his behalf, say, the bride's mother or a sibling? (If the relationship was purposely hidden from these people, I'd say this is going to meet with disapproval. But one never knows for sure.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If no one but the bride (on her side of the relationship) and your friend knew about the relationship, her safety and the quality of her marriage should be the first and foremost consideration. It's hard to miss someone who is loved, but it's preferable to causing hardship to them. And it sounds from your question that this is a distinct possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a sad situation when such questions need to be asked, and friendships end because of jealousy, but these things do happen (and not only in India.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope someone more familiar with your culture can offer a better answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T15:28:56.837" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T15:28:56.837" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1826" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1816" CreationDate="2017-08-15T15:55:25.100" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;No one can control anyone else's behavior, or how your words are interpreted. Invitations to &quot;drop by if you want&quot; are often tricky to navigate. If you don't drop by, will someone's feelings be hurt (&quot;Where's mom? Why didn't she come?&quot;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes these &quot;invites&quot; are interpreted as &quot;I don't want to specifically invite you, but I don't want you to feel left out either.&quot; Like I said, they're tricky. A lot depends on the depth of the relationship and the amount of trust between two people. Also, how far in advance are these semi-invites being handed out? If it's far in advance, it's even trickier to know if you're expected to come or not when expressed in that particular manner. A direct invite is better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would directly express your concern with your mom, and be honest about how much you want your mom to feel welcome to drop by. Don't hint if you really don't want her to come by. Be open if you do. If it were my mother, I would say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, we're having a casual get-together for (someone's) birthday. We're not sending out invitations, and I know it's last minute, so if you're free, we'd love for you to come. Do you have any prior commitments? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No? Great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, we understand perfectly if you want to keep your prior commitment; your (commitment) is important to you. We can definitely get together another time. Let's plan a time for that, ok?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That seems to me to be the most direct approach. What she does with that is her choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T15:55:25.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1816" CreationDate="2017-08-15T16:25:47.267" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the type of person who will drop what they're doing to accommodate you, try asking what they're doing &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt;, before extending the invitation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when you're asking your mother if she'd like to come by for your birthday party, start with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So Mom, have you got any plans for (Weekend of Birthday) coming up?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you can find out for yourself if they're busy that day, and hold back the invitation if they're busy with something important.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like @anongoodnurse says in their answer, it depends on the person, and you can never fully account for how a person will react to an invitation to an event.  If you suspect they'd want to be invited, even if they can't come, you should offer them the opportunity anyway.  And, as @IgorG mentioned in comments, if they don't appreciate beating around the bush like this, it'd be better to simply ask &quot;would you like to X&quot; - giving them the option, rather than pushing it on them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And keep in mind - even if the event sounds important, they might be able to re-schedule it, so if it's something you know they'd want to attend (like a big birthday party for, say, a 30th birthday) you might want to mention it anyway, so that the two of you can work a way out for her to be there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastEditorUserId="3209" LastEditDate="2019-12-06T14:11:55.753" LastActivityDate="2019-12-06T14:11:55.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1539" CreationDate="2017-08-15T16:36:10.113" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm late to this show, but I'm surprised by the answers (though I understand the reasons behind them.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it in general a bad question to ask westerners? And is it especially bad when they're touring, say, India? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a Westerner who has traveled throughout Europe, I'm no more offended by this question than &quot;How are you enjoying your stay so far?&quot; So no, I would not make a blanket statement that it's a bad question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I take it as a politeness, small talk, whatever. I'm a guest in a foreign country; it's not up to me to be offended by the customs of the country I'm visiting. I'm actually kind of happy to be talking to a native. I usually want to practice the language anyway. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people do ask rude questions (&quot;Are you rich?&quot; Maybe they think all Americans are rich.) I answer those as well. (&quot;No; I wish, but no.&quot;) Sometimes I'll turn the question around on the asker (&quot;No. Are you?&quot;) When they say no, I say we have something in common then!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have met many wonderful people on my travels, strangers who have opened up and done completely unexpected and wonderful things for me. That might be why I don't harbor any suspicions when I'm asked where I'm from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'm from the United States. I like my country, but not everything about it. I'm curious to hear how others think of my country. Once I was trading small talk with a policeman (a bobby?) in London when I expressed admiration for Tony Blair. This obviously hit a sore spot, because he shot back, &quot;Well, you've got your own Labor leader to deal with now.&quot; (This was shortly after Obama was elected.) I laughed and said, &quot;You're right! I guess I'll get to see how I like it.&quot; (I haven't travelled since Trump was elected, but I would probably answer any complaints with, &quot;You're so right. May I live with you? I can't stand the idea of going back!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also, what's a better approach to know where they're from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be open and polite, and non-threatening. Ask about them. Most people like to talk about themselves. Don't make it your first question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love meeting visitors! Are you here on vacation? Where are you from? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or ask permission to ask where they're from. Most people won't say, &quot;No, you may not.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've never heard that accent before; May I ask where you are from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, when I travel, I'm a guest in your country. It's my job to adapt or leave. If it's customary for you to ask, I'll adapt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T16:36:10.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1829" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2017-08-15T16:47:45.553" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a physician, and people often think that as a result, I make a ton of money. Some people let their curiosity get the better of them and ask me how much I make. I usually say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not nearly as much as you'd think; enough to get by and to take a decent vacation once in a while, but not enough to have saved for our kids' college tuitions! That's gonna hurt!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That usually is all that is needed, and from there, the conversation can be steered to kids, colleges, recent vacations (recommendations?), etc. Also, the answer is true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Farming takes a significant amount of money. I've had two colleagues who were also farmers. One of them would answer that question with, &quot;Enough to keep farming.&quot;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T16:47:45.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2017-08-15T16:59:20.847" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a developer myself I'm often in this situation and it all depends on &quot;who's asking&quot; maybe it's someone who doesn't think it's a big deal because of their culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, it's custom that the person asking provides their information first (Asia for example) so just ask back &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why, how much do you make?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;that way they can answer honestly if not that will defuse the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if they are being friendly just humorously say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;not enough man, why? you got an offer?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3163" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T21:26:05.627" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T21:26:05.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1720" CreationDate="2017-08-15T17:42:43.457" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There definitely is the correct amount of eye contact when it comes to women. Generally, it is weak to avoid eye contact completely but you do not want to give a woman the psychopath staredown either. Your general body language can also be crucial in how you are perceived.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I go with the two Mississippi approach, if you see her look at you, meet her gaze. Smile a little cheeky smile and then if she breaks eye sight let her. This shows that you have enough confidence to meet her gaze and you also have no intentions of proving yourself to her. You are comfortable with yourself either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3233" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T06:12:23.983" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T06:12:23.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="31" CreationDate="2017-08-15T17:51:01.280" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everyone has things they like to talk about, if you naturally take an interest in what people like then you will find the conversation swells a lot faster. A lot of people when other people talk just think about what they are going to say next, if you rather listen attentively you can much easier give meaningful responses that can better foster conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3233" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T17:51:01.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1837" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-08-15T17:57:47.790" Score="73" Body="&lt;p&gt;I, too, found your name telling (yes, actually, though most likely a joke, it's telling.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure you meant it as a joke. That doesn't mean it isn't offensive. I take it you're a male.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might remember Playboy clubs where the women are/were? dressed as bunnies. Bunnies aren't just cute and fuzzy. Think about it. &quot;Fly me&quot; was the byline of an airline featuring a pretty hostess saying &quot;I'm Cindy. Fly me.&quot; That's not subtle either. Neither is a &quot;maid café&quot;. I don't think &quot;maid cafés&quot; are popular because they remind men of those good old clean homes their mamas kept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some women are sensitive to the objectification of women for the sexual gratification of men. Some women go along with it. I take it your roommates are of the former ilk. It's hard to come up with a pertinent counter because many men don't take sexual objectification the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you said, in essence, was likely heard as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm going out to a bar that treats women as objects meant for my sexual pleasure. Why don't you get into an outfit that would demean you as a person for my sexual pleasure and accompany me there as well? Hahaha.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's really creepy, and I agree with the manager who said not to approach the person to apologize. No matter what you say, it will be threatening, because you already are creepy and unsafe in her mind. I mean, what can you say that will change her mind towards you? Very few people know the art of a good apology. Many people (semi-?) inadvertently blame the offended party (&quot;I'm sorry &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if you...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; &quot;Seriously, I was only kidding. I didn't know &lt;em&gt;you would take it that way...&lt;/em&gt;, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I let the complainant know I am sorry &lt;strong&gt;what I said upset them&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;meant no ill intentions&lt;/strong&gt;? (emphasis mine)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leads me to believe the apology you would make would be of the semi-blaming variety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, tell the manager to express your sincere apologies to the tenant &lt;em&gt;whom you offended&lt;/em&gt;, then drop it. Go about your life like it never happened, except behave like a gentleman when they are around. That's the best thing you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T14:08:00.230" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T14:08:00.230" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2017-08-15T17:58:43.000" Score="76" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm always reminded of my sage uncle's answer to such rude, inappropriate questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you'll forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer is on-target because it clearly advises the &quot;asker&quot; of the question that it was not appreciated, and simultaneously yet implicitly explains why you won't be answering&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3236" LastEditorUserId="3236" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T13:02:52.697" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T13:02:52.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1841" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1849" CreationDate="2017-08-15T18:16:20.083" Score="36" ViewCount="40577" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's name the suspected stealing friend, Mark. Value of missing items is around 20$.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been told from my other friends that Mark has been known to be around when things go missing, with a couple situations where he was straight up known to have taken things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I trust my other friends almost without a doubt. I left a few things on the table in the main area of the house and after the friend had come over the items were missing. When I confronted Mark asking if he had seen my stuff he replied: &quot;Nope, I didn't even know that was there&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to get the items back but it isn't the money that bothers me, it's the fact that I can't trust someone I thought to be my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He owes my group of friends a collective 600$ that he doesn't seem to plan on ever paying back. None of my friends want to say anything but this has gone on too long. He is using our friendship for his own gains and I want to get to the bottom of this regardless the outcome, with that in mind, I want to do this in a smart constructive manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Question:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; How do I approach my friend about the missing items, when I highly suspect he has stolen them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3231" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T19:16:58.943" LastActivityDate="2019-04-04T23:16:44.950" Title="What to do if I suspect my friend is stealing from me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1842" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1843" CreationDate="2017-08-15T18:34:50.943" Score="-1" ViewCount="396" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm moving from the US to the UK for my husband's job and I'm from Oklahoma/Texas/Georgia.  So I'm from the part of the country that is loud, direct, and open about everything.  Thus, I am worried about whether I'll be offending people a lot.  What are some key points to keep me out of trouble?  And beyond that, how do married 30-somethings make friends?  I'll be just outside of Oxford, in Bicester.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3243" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T19:12:13.707" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T19:12:13.707" Title="Advice for making friends when moving from the US to the UK?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-08-16T08:59:56.123" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1842" CreationDate="2017-08-15T18:46:06.457" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bicester is a town, so from a UK citizen to a US citizen I would highly recommend getting yourself down to your local pub quiz (most pubs have one) and you can be as loud and open as you like, they normally get quite loud and the atmosphere will be quite fitting. It's one of those places where you can go on your own (there will be one or two people at the bar with a pencil going along with the quiz on their own), have a nice pint and your accent alone would strike up a conversation with the locals. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Towns are really quite simple, they love something new and they love friendly people. I'm sure you can be both. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; as a bonus, here's a &lt;a href=&quot;http://internationalscholarshipguide.com/10-british-etiquette-customs-shouldnt-forget/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;quick guide&lt;/a&gt; to some British etiquette. &lt;/sup&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T18:46:06.457" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1841" CreationDate="2017-08-15T19:10:28.813" Score="21" Body="&lt;h3&gt;He's innocent until proven guilty.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that his presence was merely a coincidence, or maybe you or someone else just misplaced those items and forgot about it. To directly deal with him, you currently have no absolute evidence. People don't like being accused of wrongdoing, and it's highly unlikely that he'll confess just like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can first do, is an exhaustive search for the missing items. Leave no leaf unturned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if that didn't work out, do bring this matter up casually, not in an accusatory tone, preferably when there's at least one other mutual friend present so that your questions aren't targeting him specifically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had kept some things here and I can't find them now. Have you seen them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you remember anyone else being here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If in case you come across the things, do let me know as soon as you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if that didn't work out, and since you still have no concrete proof against him, it would simply be best that you protect yourself from future thefts rather than baselessly accuse this friend and cause a rift in your friend circle. Since this time it was a considerably insignificant theft, let this one slide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention that he owes collectively around 600$ to your group of friends and that he shows no signs of paying it back. You also mention that there are a couple situations where he was straight up known to have taken things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, keep this history in mind and exercise caution next time he's around, or comes asking to borrow money. Lock away your valuables before his next visits. Or setup some security cams, if necessary. Do make sure it's legal in your region first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's actually better to stay away from such friends you no longer trust to be around you or your belongings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Kleptomania is another possibility&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am well aware of a friend of mine struggling with kleptomania, which is &amp;quot;a recurrent urge to steal, typically without regard for need or profit.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/kleptomania&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Oxford Dictionaries&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such cases, keep in mind that &amp;quot;Kleptomania is a mental health condition, not a character flaw, and approach your loved one [or friend] without blame or accusation.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/kleptomania/basics/symptoms/con-20033010&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Mayo Clinic&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T07:21:35.797" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1816" CreationDate="2017-08-15T19:16:19.397" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's possible that this is happening with your mother ... because she's your mother. As such, it may be all but impossible to affect the desired outcome by simply posing the invitation differently – at least as far as your mother is concerned. I've provided a little advice about that below, but first I'll address the question you actually asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying it like this should not make anyone feel obligated:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're holding a little impromptu/informal gathering [when]. If it fits your schedule, feel free to stop by!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if I'm not mistaken, that's basically the way you're saying it already. It's polite, inclusive, and in no way makes it sound mandatory. However, if you feel you need to be more clear about there being no obligation, then that's exactly what you should do. After announcing the event and extending the invitation in your normal, informative way, try adding something to clarify that point directly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, my family will be doing this even if no one else shows up, and we'll be happy either way. I'm just letting you know it's an Open Door event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, that will help curb your extraordinary appeal!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of your mother, it's possible that it's just her love for you (and her personality) that's causing this phenomenon. It might be best to just accept that she'd prefer to put you first and be thankful for that – especially given that hundreds of millions of people are not so fortunate. But if you do choose to address the matter, it may require more of a heart-to-heart than a rewording of your invitation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something has been on my mind, Mom. I've been trying to figure out a way to phrase my invitations so you won't feel obligated to come. I love that you take every opportunity to put me first, of course, but I know that sometimes you even cancel your own plans to do so. That makes me a little uncomfortable; I want you to have your own social life, too. Can we maybe do this – I'll make you a promise if you make one for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I promise to never say that an event I invite you to is &amp;quot;no big deal,&amp;quot; and that it won't bother me one bit if you can't make it, if either of those things aren't true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In return, you promise me that you'll hear me and believe me when I do say that and that you'll try to enjoy yourself in ways aside from spending time with your favorite son! LOL&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T19:42:04.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1841" CreationDate="2017-08-15T19:29:01.260" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He owes my group of friends a collective 600$ that he doesn't seem to plan on ever paying back. None of my friends want to say anything but this has gone on too long. He is using our friendship for his own gains and I want to get to the bottom of this regardless the outcome, with that in mind, I want to do this in a smart constructive manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does &quot;constructive&quot; mean? If it means you all get your money (and stuff) back, or he stops stealing, or he 'fesses up, there is no smart, constructive manner to do these things. If what you believe is true, they won't happen. Also, if your feelings aren't shared by your friends (you say, &quot;None of my friends want to say anything...&quot;), you might be alone in this. Being right doesn't guarantee that your friends will go along with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're sincere in &quot;get(ting) to the bottom of this regardless of the outcome&quot;, well, you kind of already have, haven't you? Your rock-solid belief of his guilt is all you need to determine the outcomes you can realistically effect, which are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You stop being his friend and cut him out of &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You accept that he's a thieving mooch but you like him anyway so you will keep associating with him, but watch your stuff when he's around. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You limit your contact with him to when he's hanging out with your friend group.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see any other options. You can only control your own behavior. You can't force your friends to agree with you, and you can't make this person be someone he's not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T20:54:56.783" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T20:54:56.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1841" CreationDate="2017-08-15T20:31:46.247" Score="86" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's an old saying...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you lend someone $20 and you never see them again, it's $20 well spent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that's where you find yourself with Mark, except for the fact that you're still hanging out with him... Your best and only realistic option is to take it as a loss and learn from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know someone is a thief and you continue to invite them over you can't really act surprised when things go missing. Likewise, if you know someone doesn't pay their debts and you loan them money, you can't really act surprised when they don't pay you back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether you have conclusive proof or not doesn't really matter. You don't trust Mark. Confronting him won't get your stuff back. So, all that's left is to take it as a loss and learn from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The lesson here is that if someone has a well-earned reputation for this sort of thing, don't wait for them to do it to you, or wait for them to do it again. Trust your instincts and stop hanging out with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-15T20:52:59.800" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T20:52:59.800" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1850" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1863" CreationDate="2017-08-15T21:15:28.583" Score="-1" ViewCount="2319" Body="&lt;p&gt;For specificity let's say an acquaintance you don't know very well is dealing with a health problem (not terminal or debilitating) that they are undergoing treatment for and that you won't see them for a while. Should you wish them luck with their treatment or ignore it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pro of addressing the issue is that doing so shows respect to the person, but on the other hand it may be uncomfortable or saddening to the other party. Ignoring the problem may come off as disrespectful, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that such a scenario probably needs to be determined on a case-by-case basis, what I am looking for is a general rule of thumb for making the decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3256" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T02:27:57.927" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T02:27:57.927" Title="Should you wish someone luck with a health problem?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;illness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-02-28T14:17:48.393" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1851" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1858" CreationDate="2017-08-15T21:22:37.957" Score="27" ViewCount="6157" Body="&lt;p&gt;My large, international employer supports employees volunteering in our local communities, even allowing us to spend a certain amount of work time on such projects.  My local office of about a dozen people was recently talking about doing something as a group, and somebody offered to organize a project.  (That happened while I was on vacation, so I don't know the details of that conversation, but I'm on board with the general idea.)  A group project, in addition to helping the local community, is an opportunity to do something valuable together as a team that isn't work.  I think there's team-building benefit to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the problem: the specific organization the person contacted is problematic for me because their work is strongly bound up in a religious mission that I cannot support.  Their religious goal is front and center in all their publicity, their motto, their client interactions, etc -- bringing the light of (name) to the world, that sort of thing.  I'm happy to do the &lt;em&gt;type&lt;/em&gt; of work they suggested, and I'm always glad to hear of religious groups that act on their faith by doing things like feeding the hungry -- but I can't be part of a project that &lt;em&gt;promotes&lt;/em&gt; their religion, which their work does pretty blatantly.  Participating in that way is a violation of &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; religion.  (Please just take me at my word on this; I'm not trying to start a religious argument.)  I am certain that this possibility did not occur to any of my coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The project got far-enough along while I was away that I would feel awkward saying &quot;er, could we do something else instead?&quot;.  Because we are a small group, it will stand out if I don't participate.  I'd also rather not lie about being busy; I don't like lying, and it will also probably be pretty obvious because it's a work-time project, not an evening or weekend.  If I organize a different project (which I'd rather not do, but could do if necessary), I worry that it looks like I'm stomping on (or at least wasting the time of) the coworker who already made these inquiries.  If I tell that coworker why I'm uncomfortable, I risk an uncomfortable conversation in the workplace.  I'd also like to avoid giving the impression that I don't care about helping my local community -- I do, but not like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How and with whom should I bring this up?  We're all peers except for one manager (who is not &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; manager; mine's remote).  We all get along well and like each other, but we're coworkers not close friends.  They are all aware of my (minority) religion at a surface level but are almost certainly unaware of the problems of involvement with this other religion.  (After all, most people never have reasons to think about stuff like that.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T20:36:11.203" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T20:36:11.203" Title="How can I decline or redirect a religiously-objectionable community-service project without alienating people?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;volunteering&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1852" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1850" CreationDate="2017-08-15T21:57:24.393" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have faced a number of health problems recently. I am trying to imagine a condition that I wouldn't be constantly aware of, and would be saddened by having someone mention it. &lt;strong&gt;I can't think of anything.&lt;/strong&gt; I am not going to forget I have cancer until you bring it up. But when I needed my gallbladder out, there was a 6 week or so gap until I had it done, and during that time, if someone had said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;good luck with the gallbladder, hope you feel better afterward!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not have been &quot;saddened&quot; by being reminded of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking a lot of questions, or behaving as though the condition entirely defines the person, is uncomfortable. Bringing the subject up yourself first, because someone else told you, can also be uncomfortable. But a simple &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;good luck, I hope it goes great&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;when they tell you or as you part, can not be taken badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T22:14:37.780" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T22:14:37.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1853" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1860" CreationDate="2017-08-15T22:55:30.563" Score="84" ViewCount="14806" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently had a conversation like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworker: I just wanted to let you know that I'm probably going to be out early next week. My father is on death's door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworker: Actually, it's a good thing. He's been suffering from Alzheimer's Disease for years and has gotten to the point where he's forgotten how to swallow. Frankly, I'm glad that his suffering is about to end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I respond to this? It seems that expressing condolences isn't what the person wants, given that they responded this way after I said it the first time. But I don't think I can bring myself to say that I'm happy that someone I don't know is about to die. How do I respond to this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2309" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T06:14:42.693" Title="How do I respond when someone is glad their loved one's suffering will end soon due to death?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1851" CreationDate="2017-08-15T23:24:55.040" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given that it's an issue of religious affiliation I probably wouldn't be shy about stating that plainly. It probably should have been a consideration when your co-workers were coming up with ideas to begin with, and it apparently wasn't...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying that you should storm in and tell them off. I'm just saying that their lack of foresight is a little concerning. When planning a work related activity people really should think about such things and it's completely reasonable to tell them that you don't feel comfortable working with an organization that has a specific religious affiliation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not opposed to the sort of project you all came up with, but the religious affiliation of the group we'd be working with is a problem for me. Can we make other plans? If it's too late to reconsider, I may have to sit this one out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T04:56:19.477" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T04:56:19.477" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1851" CreationDate="2017-08-15T23:29:06.547" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Because people are people, you're right that your coworkers are likely to have the reactions you've predicted in response to the various approaches you've already considered. Ultimately, it comes down to either speaking up (risking the outcomes you enumerated so well), going along with the event (sacrificing your religious values), or making up a lie to get out of going (sacrificing your moral values). Indeed, there may be no solution that will completely satisfy all of your very reasonable stipulations: not going, not offending anyone, and not sidestepping the issue by lying. When sticking to one's values, these predicaments tend to arise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be an unknown solution lying with one or more of your coworkers (maybe someone objected in the meeting you missed, but was shot down or retracted), but maybe not, and if you ask around to find it, you could look sneaky and reveal your reservations anyway. Likewise, if you do let your internal moral compass take the hit (get out of it by lying), you run the risk of compounding the problem. While you may avoid any immediate conflict that might arise from addressing the matter more directly, you'll have given your coworkers no idea that there was a problem, and then, they could make the decision &lt;em&gt;during&lt;/em&gt; the event (which you'll again not be present for) to make it their go-to community service project for the future!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In my opinion, telling them exactly how you really feel (describing your religious-based concerns, recognizing that this is no one's fault, and expressing you have no ill will toward anyone) is the best option on the table. At least then you have some options regarding &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you tell them. The answer to mitigating potential alienation and tension within the office will come from getting everything out in the open and saying it to everyone at once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would require getting everyone together (which may be feasible in a small office) and making sort of a &quot;confession&quot; of what you've been struggling with lately, or it could be done by sending them all a letter (perhaps via intra-office message system?). The benefit of it going to everyone at once is that the office &quot;cliques&quot; won't have a chance to start building Survivor-type alliances behind your back. Alternatively, you could write the letter and then ask for the gathering where you then read it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, you'll be telling the truth and explaining everything, so your conscience will be clear. Hopefully, there will be someone who'll recognize that asking you to do this is disrespectful to your religion or to your right to have a (minority) religion of your choice and come to your side. Having that ally should make it difficult for anyone else to come against you, so instead, they'll be respectful too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main difficulty in telling them verbally (at least for me) is remembering all your points and how you'd planned to state them. Also, someone could jump in with a question and throw you off. The upside to a live presentation would be that you could convey in your voice and expressions how troubled you've been over the issue, which could bring you some much needed support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pros and cons of writing them a letter are pretty much the opposite of the live performance: you can take your time to really get your points together and no one can interrupt you. On the other hand, depending on your writing skills, you could also lose the human element by putting it all in writing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have suggested writing the letter because personally, I am a better writer than a public speaker, even among friends, but you should consider your own strengths and do whichever will work best for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question here was extremely cogent and I have no doubt you'd be able to convey your religious dilemma, and either offer a convincing argument as to why they should consider doing something different &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt;, if you think that would upset things too much (like, maybe things are all set up by the time you send it), why you'll respectfully choose to forego THIS community service project. You might also include how it was perfectly understandable that they didn't consider the issue (given your absence and yours being a minority religion), tell them you don't want them to offer to change the venue nor feel bad about doing it without you, and other such things to help avoid bad feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T00:11:43.160" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T00:11:43.160" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1851" CreationDate="2017-08-15T23:53:23.357" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;If this is a religion-affiliated group project, then they most likely have strongly held beliefs, just as you do. I'm sure one of them is to &lt;em&gt;not lie&lt;/em&gt;. Lies are so damaging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is that you just tell the truth. If they are honest about their religion, they should respect that. I would say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really enjoy working with you, and I think this project is valuable to the community. I want you to understand that, because I mean it. But one of the tenets of my faith/religion makes my participation in this project difficult, even impossible, for me. I am uncomfortable being in this situation, but I want you to know that why I won't be participating isn't personal. Thanks for understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a difficult situation, and I admire that you have the courage of your convictions. They should too after some reflection, if their faith is genuine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T02:29:36.003" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T02:29:36.003" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="63" CreationDate="2017-08-15T23:59:18.767" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: I've learned to use mirroring in meetings and negotiations. Sometimes I use it, sometimes I don't. It's definitely been used on me. I think it has some effect but I'm not sure how much. I'm a skeptic so I'll put my devil's advocate thoughts in as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why might it work?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror_neuron&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Mirror Neurons on Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt; has over 100 citations, many are scientific articles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A mirror neuron is a neuron that fires both when an animal acts and when the animal observes the same action performed by another.&lt;a href=&quot;http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167285112008&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.jstor.org/stable/41320024?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;3&lt;/a&gt; Thus, the neuron &amp;quot;mirrors&amp;quot; the behavior of the other, as though the observer were itself acting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But mirror neurons have not yet been shown to be responsible for the psychological effects ascribed to mirroring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why do people think it works?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167285112008&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Postural Mirroring and Intergroup Relations (Marianne LaFrance, 1985)&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both results are interpreted as evidence that postural mirroring is an obvious yet unobtrusive indicator of openness to interpersonal involvement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that doesn't necessarily mean that it &lt;em&gt;makes&lt;/em&gt; other people more open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What reactions might people have?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.jstor.org/stable/41320024?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;When It's an Error to Mirror: The Surprising Reputational Costs of Mimicry (Kavanagh et al, Psychological Science, 2011)&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mimicry and imitation can facilitate cultural learning, maintenance of culture, and group cohesion ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mimicry in dyadic interaction can be observed by third-parties, and the conclusions these observers draw have consequences for one's reputation in their eyes.  ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular, if one mimics the wrong individual, observers could judge one less competent than if one had not mimicked.  As a result, mimicry may have reputational costs that at times make not mimicking one's partner a superior social strategy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Does mirroring &amp;quot;work&amp;quot;?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://web.media.mit.edu/%7Esandy/TR-579.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Pentland, Alex. &amp;quot;Social dynamics: Signals and behavior.&amp;quot; International Conference on Developmental Learning. Vol. 5. 2004.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this paper I develop an automatic measurement method for quantifying some of these non-linguistic social signals, and describe how these measurements can be used to form powerful predictors of behavioral outcome in some very important types of social interaction: getting a date, getting a job, and getting a raise....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When one participant displayed mirroring behavior, the other would usually join in (74% of the time). ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For low-status participants the use of mirroring was most important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So mirroring might get you want you want but might also lead people to see you as low-status.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3262" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-15T23:59:18.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1853" CreationDate="2017-08-16T00:10:25.483" Score="90" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's never easy to deal with the death of a loved one, even in these cases. The main difference in my experience is that the grieving process starts years earlier... My grandmother was in a similar state when she passed, she'd been suffering for a long time, and she hadn't been herself for years. For the most part my family was glad that she didn't have to suffer like that anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often the best thing to do is just to check in when they return from leave with a more general inquiry, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How are you holding up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How's the family?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It shows that you're concerned about their well being, but doesn't place an expectation about how they should grieve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T00:10:25.483" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1853" CreationDate="2017-08-16T00:20:36.153" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;Chances are, if someone's loved one is suffering, they will appreciate &lt;strong&gt;sympathy&lt;/strong&gt; regardless of whether they're looking for &lt;strong&gt;condolences&lt;/strong&gt;.  It sounds to me like what you want to do is react in a sympathetic and understanding manner without disregarding their belief that what is happening is for the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a situation like this, what I would do is &quot;follow their lead.&quot;  Express sympathy on the subject in a way that follows the difficulties they express as they explain their story.  After hearing their response, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alzheimer's is such a difficult condition, that's really tough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, people who are grieving strive to focus on the positive, and they appreciate &lt;strong&gt;positive thoughts&lt;/strong&gt; as well.  That could be especially true if you notice that the person seems to be maintaining a positive demeanor even during such a discussion.  For that reason, it can't hurt to say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's good that you're going to get a chance to spend some time with him now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, navigating a social situation like this is challenging and it helps to be aware of how the other person is reacting and try to follow their lead in a way that makes them feel comfortable, expressing sympathy without overdoing it.  You can never be certain what someone is feeling on the inside, regardless of what face they choose to put on externally.  But regardless of what they're feeling, it's hard to go wrong by expressing genuine sympathy and offering positive thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3042" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T00:20:36.153" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1853" CreationDate="2017-08-16T00:57:16.513" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note: &lt;strong&gt;This question had not specified a &amp;quot;United States&amp;quot; tag when I wrote this answer&lt;/strong&gt;, which is therefore not specifically about USA or Alzheimer's, and the approach noted below needs to be used not indiscriminately but with caution and sensitivity, being tailored to the individual case, especially in situations regarding those whose end-of-life issues were particularly difficult. Moreover, &lt;strong&gt;many comments under this answer have disagreed with these suggestions, which indicates that there are major cultural differences in these matters&lt;/strong&gt;, but I shall try to explain how we tend to console the bereaved in such situations in India, which is very much a religious/ spiritual/ philosophical society with, additionally,  generic reverence for the elderly: this type of consolation is typically offered and well-received among Indians, but cultural expectations can differ in other parts of the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found it hard to agree with the expressed sentiment referenced in this question (glad their loved one's suffering will soon end, I mean), but in my experience,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) &lt;strong&gt;saying something sympathetically philosophical in this situation, especially highlighting the positive attributes of the deceased/terminally ill person&lt;/strong&gt; works well to compose the bereaved and put them in a contemplative frame of mind: same as when somebody's loved one has passed away after an illness. Examples I have often used or heard used include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Death comes to all. I should be proud of the dignity with which your loved one made the passing. I am sure you gave him/her the best possible care (including the best possible medical care.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Time of death is no man's to predict -- maybe they will pull on many days yet and in that case, so be it! When they do pass (or as a condolence: now that they have passed) we could celebrate their life and achievements, especially how many people they were able to influence in a positive manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh well, we all have to go sometime. But those who knew your loved one will remember them as a quietly great person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A degree of sincere empathy is needed to say this effectively but I found myself (I am almost embarrassed to find) very good at it, because of feeling and communicating those sentiments in a true manner, and I was glad to comfort some people this way, also amazed how well they cheered up! (this doesn't work of course for a sudden death or a person in critical condition after an accident or sudden illness, but is suitable for your situation.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) &lt;strong&gt;If somebody in your family had passed through a similar terminal illness, it may be good to mention that to show you know that trauma, and the bereaved family is not alone in their experience.&lt;/strong&gt; Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know how it feels, my grandfather had repeated heart attacks and was in intensive care for a month. It was very tough for him but he fought it out with great courage and I am sure you loved one did the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) &lt;strong&gt;If the bereaved is a religious person, then it is common to offer some appropriate religious consolation&lt;/strong&gt;, which works particularly well (compared to any other approach) in these cases because the person has religion to fall back on for solace. However, it should never be said if they are non-religious or you are not sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: the word often used in this context is &amp;quot;deliverance&amp;quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;too long she has suffered; it is for her a deliverance&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[although I could never quite feel that way, even when my 3 grandparents passed through this: as in, this is the life force in them that has brought them this far, and they would probably fight to the bitter end, so it is not our place to feel glad or even relieved for their deliverance! Philosophies can differ but all fight to live.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T04:21:25.700" CommentCount="18" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1850" CreationDate="2017-08-16T01:21:37.827" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would not use the word &lt;em&gt;luck&lt;/em&gt; in this context, because &lt;em&gt;luck&lt;/em&gt; implies the possibility of not being lucky (a bad outcome).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luck in gambling would be a good example, where the majority isn't lucky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a medical context, if you say &quot;Good Luck&quot;, there is the hidden implication that that person may not be lucky (have some complications or worse). I'm sure you don't mean that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Better might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Get well soon. We will be looking forward to your return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which is completely positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T01:21:37.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1853" CreationDate="2017-08-16T03:37:33.017" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;For many reasons stated elsewhere in this thread (it's best to follow the grieving person's lead, while offering any support you can), I would keep it simple. That should help you avoid accidentally saying something that might have the opposite effect as intended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure it's been awfully difficult...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It leaves it open-ended, up to the recipient to define what exactly you mean by &quot;it&quot; and who you mean it was difficult for. And however they choose to take it, it will almost surely be a true and accurate statement. Most people will take something like this to mean whichever definition comes closest to what they feel to be true:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yes, it's been terribly difficult on me/us/the kids/his wife/the caregivers/the nearly departed.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say something in response, listen closely and respond as kindly as you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you knew the person who's about to pass before the disease took over, it's always nice to interrupt the despair (or whatever the person in front of you has been feeling) with a nice memory from when they were healthy, happy, and strong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would suggest stifling any urges to bring up your own dear relatives' passing. It may feel like empathy, but it usually comes across as shallow and dismissive of their ordeal. This is their time. Commiserate a few months after or on their timetable. A possible exception is if there's something from your experience that would &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; be helpful or that you believe they'd benefit from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T03:37:33.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1787" CreationDate="2017-08-16T05:22:39.323" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of these are pretty serious answers, but generally when someone makes an offhand comment like that, they aren't thinking deeply and aren't necessarily expecting a serious answer so I don't generally give them one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably crack a joke, even if it sounds forced, but not in a sarcastic tone. No need to be snarky or anything. Just deliver it very dryly. I have a few introverted IT buddies I work with that do this sort of thing. Depending on whether or not you know them well or if they're your friend, I might respond to a &quot;hey look at me&quot; like &quot;well, I tried that but it hurt my eyes too much&quot;. I've also used &quot;hey man, I'm in the zone&quot; just from staring off into space all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or maybe when responding to a &quot;you're shy&quot; type of comment, come back with a joke better than &quot;yeah, management doesn't let me out of my cube prison much so I forget how to conversate with other humans&quot; or &quot;yep, had to give up on stand-up&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thinking kind of like Jim from the Office, or Dilbert. Not necessarily sarcastic, just dry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, most people that make these comments are so extroverted that they're used to jokes. You just have to know them well enough to know whether or not they thought you were trying to be passive aggressive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background: programmer coming from extreme borderline OCD introvert in childhood and teen years to big extrovert.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3275" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T05:22:39.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="31" CreationDate="2017-08-16T05:39:09.360" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with what &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1611/321&quot;&gt;Alex Common mentioned&lt;/a&gt; but wanted to add practical advice. Anyway, I read &lt;em&gt;How to Win Friends and Influence People&lt;/em&gt; not too long ago by Dale Carnegie. Essentially the crux of one of his points was that people are generally interested in the things they're interested in. Anecdotally I've found this to be pretty accurate, especially in job interviews. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know them, ask them about something you know they enjoy doing or talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't, ask them how their weekend was. If you're past Tuesday, ask them if they have any plans for the day or maybe for after they get off work. Or maybe say &quot;hey, I like your shoes, where did you get them?&quot; If they spend a lot of time talking about a particular subject, keep asking them about the subject or provide some sort of input about what you know about it. Just keep asking questions and throwing in personal stories when they run out of things to say. Ask about esoteric things to avoid the small talk feedback loop. People have lots of generic things to say about the weather, but not about makes of cars. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it seems impossible, they may just not be in the mood to talk, in which case you just need to cope. If they're in that state though they probably don't feel awkward about the silence, so it's all in your head at that point. I usually abandon transcending small talk if I can't get them yammering within 4 sentences or less. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3275" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-07-29T13:26:32.570" LastActivityDate="2019-07-29T13:26:32.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1722" CreationDate="2017-08-16T05:49:54.890" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of stigmas around &quot;personal problems&quot; such as substance abuse. You may be reinforcing the stigma by trying to dance around their bringing up of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may be very proud to have overcome substance abuse or some mental illness/depression. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally if it's more than I want to know or feel like I've seen too deep into their head, I come back with &quot;yeah that happened to my friend, they got through it through x y z&quot; and just kind of trail off on your friend. Then if someone approaches you mid-conversation you've kept their privacy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3275" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T05:49:54.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1869" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="634" CreationDate="2017-08-16T05:54:23.007" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, it's called a &quot;guy's night&quot;. Many of my friends have leveraged this. Or &quot;girl's night&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively you can invite her last minute or in some roundabout way &quot;oh, yeah, she can come&quot;. If none of your friends like her they will probably ignore her and she will feel left out of the group and become less likely to come out. Just be prepared for him not to come out as much either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option three would be to wait it out. If there is a consensus on distaste for her, the relationship may not last long. His girlfriend may eventually come to reciprocate your distaste for her and likely will stop wanting to go out with him to see his friends. When he goes out to hang with you alone, or doesn't go out period, it puts a strain on the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background: best friend of over 20 years dated two of my ex-girlfriends. We're still friends. Women are gone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3275" LastEditorUserId="3275" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T05:59:41.543" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T05:59:41.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1720" CreationDate="2017-08-16T07:18:37.347" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There used to be a girl in college (now a senior doctor somewhere) who would unintentionally maintain eye contact much longer than normal, which sent a lot of unintended mixed signals till I understood she was simply &lt;strong&gt;myopic&lt;/strong&gt; (short-sighted) but too vain to wear her glasses, which she kept in her pocket. So she was often unaware -- she literally couldn't see that she was looking straight into somebody's eyes for minutes at a time, especially when her mind was elsewhere. Is the 'myopic' part of your username just a coincidence? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As already mentioned in a previous answer, a lot of scientific studies have proved that many animals find a direct eye-to-eye stare confrontational and threatening. These include cats, apes and human beings. Moreover some animals including snakes and cats 'transfix' their prey with a direct stare to immobilize them with anxiety. These are the evolutionary reasons why extended gaze upsets people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Solution: look away from time to time. If you are myopic, be sure to wear your glasses or contact lenses whenever you are in the situations described in your question.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T07:18:37.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1851" CreationDate="2017-08-16T09:16:41.303" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I personally wouldn't even bring up my own religion at all. My response would be along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm happy to hear that we're organizing a charity event, and I'd love to participate, but I cannot in good consciousness work for an organization that uses charity to promote a religion. Especially when we are going to be doing this charity event during work time, as a company team. Not all of us follow the same religion, and I don't want people to think (even quietly) that they have to choose between having to be associated with a religion that is not theirs or having to say no to a team event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For what it's worth, the company I work for also supports charity (purely financially, in this case) and their charity choices are also all religious. And it bothers me. It's not something I would bring up, but it is very much one of the reasons I don't feel as connected to this company as I might have been. Your company might also have, or gain, more of this silent resentment from people by openly associating with specific religions, and I think it's valuable to warn people of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which religion they want to support, or which one you support, shouldn't really factor into it. As a company, you should make everyone feel welcome, and supporting a specific religion generally isn't going to help with that. Let alone asking people to do charity work for one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T09:21:50.967" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T09:21:50.967" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1874" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1949" CreationDate="2017-08-16T12:08:36.827" Score="48" ViewCount="14529" Body="&lt;p&gt;To put it broadly, this is about guilty pleasures, that are not accepted in one's social environment. This excludes more serious topics (politics, religion, legal/moral questions etc.). Think of movies, music, sports teams, books and the like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, I refrain from using actual examples to avoid a discussion about them (&amp;quot;But he is right! They are the worst team ever!&amp;quot;). This could be changed upon request, but I don't think it's necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I enjoy music by band &amp;quot;so-and-so&amp;quot;*. Now I have a nice talk with &amp;quot;Bob&amp;quot;. Bob is a good acquaintance of mine, and also a real music connoisseur. Somehow, the discussion strays away a bit from positive topics, and he notes the decline in musical taste. His prime example is, you guessed it, &amp;quot;so-and-so&amp;quot;. So he rants about them, their inferior music, lack of talent, cheesiness etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I listen to him patiently. He can't know that I like them. And I get a strong impression that he couldn't even imagine it in his wildest dreams, since he knows that I like the music he approves of. And now, that he finished, he asks me after my opinion on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to lie. On the other hand, his critique is spot on, and I don't have rational arguments to support my stance. The ensuing situation is rather awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Not an actual band, although a quick google search showed, that there are bands of that name, but spelling differs slightly. But I don't know them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to avoid, or at least, alleviate such an awkward situation? How to react to Bob to avoid as much of an embarrassment (for both of us) as possible?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that Bob's perceived reaction to my confession would not be laughter, but rather an embarrassment himself (for offending me, in a way). And my concern is not, that he would think less of me (after all, it is about rather trivial matters), but that it would ruin the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T20:32:26.863" Title="How to avoid an awkward situation when someone just thoroughly slammed something you like?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1875" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-16T12:30:13.953" Score="33" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Different people like different things.  &lt;sup&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/q/285803/50044&quot;&gt;EL&amp;amp;U&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just listen to what he has to say, and stay neutral about it. There's no need to visibly agree or disagree with him. You like what you like, he likes what he likes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my friend circles, rap music, in general, is looked down upon mostly because all they've ever heard of are some of those songs where it's all about &quot;I've got riches, and you don't&quot;. While I myself do hate such songs, I don't hate the genre in general. I like how some rappers tell stories, bring emotions, and all. In fact, rap music is my favorite genre, even though it's rare in my place (India).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever any such topic comes up, where my friends go on and on about how terrible something is, I just stay neutral.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sure, that's possibly true and all, but some people do like these, you know, to each their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't clearly agree with them, yet I don't counter them or force my opinions onto them. I don't necessarily disagree with their analysis, and I'd avoid furthering a discussion about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some occasions though, when I feel like a good discussion or exchange of ideas is possible, I may actually respond with what I really feel about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Those are some valid points, I must agree. But I like them anyway for some other reasons, which are (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T15:17:48.193" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T15:17:48.193" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-16T12:55:34.520" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may need to dissociate yourself from your tastes, they don't define you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend slamming something you're pretty fond of doesn't have to bring awkwardness and your reaction shouldn't depend on your emotional relationship with the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the arguments he made make sense to you and you have nothing to say to it, you may want to answer with something along these lines :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Although I have been listening to that band's music for quite some time, I have actually never noticed it/seen it in that light/as a bad thing. &amp;lt;&lt;em&gt;Go on with what you feel&lt;/em&gt;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should indeed feel lucky when you disagree on some topic with a friend, don't you think? Smooth conversations where everybody involved share the same point of view about things are just that, smooth. Edgeless conversation is forgettable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like in real life, that's the irregularities on surfaces that cause friction. You want that, supposedly. A frictionless conversation is something you can have with yourself without much effort while taking a shower, that's kind of worthless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Different opinions bring new ideas, ways of thinking. It has the potential to make you reconsider your own opinions and belief in the light of what you know, and then either keep or update them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without interaction with opposing points of view, opinions rot in your head. That's why people who stay with like minded people often look dumb and/or delusional, that's an extreme case, but that's also what happens when hearing different opinions is so alien to you that you and your opinions become the same and only thing and therefore, any attack on the former is immediately perceived as an aggression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm not saying it's your case, just bringing some perspective here. Be merry, you finally found a point of discordance with a good friend, that's calling for some delightful piece of debate !&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T21:16:34.930" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T21:16:34.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-16T13:15:29.853" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suspect this is more a theoretical problem than a real one. Oh sure, people exist who will rant on and on about how awful X is, without picking up ANY cues from their listener that another opinion might exist -- but these people almost never wrap their rant up by asking you what you think of X. They have already assumed that either everyone shares their opinion or that their brilliant rant has convinced you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you let a rant like that get up a head of steam, you are kind of making a decision that you won't challenge it. You can stop these things after a sentence or two, but if you just smile and nod through 10 or 20 sentences, it's jarring to say &quot;actually I completely disagree with everything you just said.&quot; It can be done, and I'll do it for things like &quot;women are nontechnical&quot; where I just wait till they're done and then quietly point out some of my accomplishments. But I wouldn't do that for a band. As you say, it can really throw someone off centre to know they were running something down that you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can you stop a rant like that before it gets too long? Or how can you find something to say in the silence after it? You might like to use humour. One time someone was bothering me about a musician I liked and raving about the musician they liked, and I said &quot;it's all how you say it, right? My musician has a distinctive sound and you can tell a few notes in who is playing the song. But that other group the idiots like? Their songs all sound the same. Right?&quot; And then laughed. Alternatively, you could say something tolerant and accepting like &quot;it takes all kinds to make a world&quot; or &quot;different people like different things&quot;. You could point out facts like &quot;they sure make a lot of money and play to big crowds: I guess plenty of people like them fine.&quot; Or you could ignore the content entirely and go meta: &quot;wow, you know a lot about music styles and history.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, no matter how you acknowledged their speech, divert: &quot;what's your favourite hidden-gem group, one not enough people know about?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T13:15:29.853" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="645" CreationDate="2017-08-16T13:21:02.833" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Don't be offended if I leave you alone now... There's XXX over there&#xA;  and there's something I really need to ask. Nice talking to you. See&#xA;  you later.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This says, that was nice, but now I've got to do something else. I've used this on many occasions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T13:40:47.457" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T13:40:47.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1841" CreationDate="2017-08-16T14:25:51.610" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He is using our friendship for his own gains and I want to get to the&#xA;  bottom of this regardless the outcome, with that in mind, I want to do&#xA;  this in a smart constructive manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Constant stealing is a behavioral symptom of larger problems such as drug addiction or psycho-social disorders.  This likely isn't something that started over night.  If this friend isn't someone you really care about the best advice would be to cut them loose, and &lt;strong&gt;NOW&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are someone you care about, however, you have some big problems!  It's very likely this friend is stealing to supplement some kind of addiction. My father was addicted to heroin and would steal out of my house to buy drugs.  Anything not nailed down would be gone.  There is zero thought that goes through the mind of an addict before taking items. They will just use up their welcome at one set of family members &amp;amp; friends and keep moving on.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you care about this person then do a little bit of homework on their family and home life.  Either, 1) this is a shock to their family and they will be concerned and help, or 2) this has been going on forever and they cut them loose to steal/depend on others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my father, the only thing that finally worked was to kick him out on the street.  I literally had to remove my own father out of my house and he slept on the front lawn.  After being on his own completely for a few months he entered a recovery house (not DETOX) with others in the same situation.  Members of the house have to work and pay rent, nobody has a free ride.  This was a decade ag&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3314" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T14:25:51.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-16T14:46:30.227" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well that's the thing with guilty pleasures, sometimes you will find people around you  (or even yourself in public) criticize or disapprove of said pleasures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like politicians you can have a public and a personal opinion, so when he asks just agree with him out of diplomacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And since this band is his favorite target,  differ the conversation to another band or express that you are fed up with that subject&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah I know, you are preaching to the choir son&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3163" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T14:46:30.227" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1853" CreationDate="2017-08-16T14:49:15.350" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife passed away a few years ago after a relatively long terminal illness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found that the best thing for people to wish for is &quot;peace and comfort&quot;, which is exactly what she had toward the end of her life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wishing you and your family peace and comfort&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems to be an appropriate and sympathetic response here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had plenty of people telling me how awful things must be and how bad I must be feeling.  After a while, you get pretty annoyed at being told how to feel, so try not to fall into that same trap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T14:49:15.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1883" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-16T15:18:28.193" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everybody has to have a guilty pleasure. Nothing more boring than a totally straight and impeccable taste without any internal contradictions! Just admit as much, imperfections will only make you look more affable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Man, I know it's really bad taste. But guess what, they're kind of a guilty pleasure of mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By agreeing to your interlocutor's judgement, you're also still helping them to save face and offering a way out. (E.g. they could admit a guilty pleasure of their own in return.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T16:10:02.540" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T16:10:02.540" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-16T15:48:49.940" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For me there are only 2 options here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Change the subject: So how about those {Insert common interest sports team here}? or something similar.  This avoids the conflict and lets them know that you are not interested in talking about the previous topic with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Armed combat to the death!!!!  I suppose you wouldn't have to go full blown to the death combat, but really if they hate something so dear to you should you really allow them to live?... yeah lets try the change the subject thing first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T15:48:49.940" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1886" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1853" CreationDate="2017-08-16T15:54:22.610" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If there is anything I can do to help I am here for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing you can say here that will make them feel better than knowing you have their back for this.  They do not need a lecture from you or a pep talk or any philosophical anecdote.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's fine to let them know if you had something similar you dealt with but do not do it with the intent of taking the focus off of them.  They need to grieve, if they have questions they will ask, otherwise allow them time to process while letting them know you are there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T18:04:06.660" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T18:04:06.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1887" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1889" CreationDate="2017-08-16T16:07:30.527" Score="13" ViewCount="20703" Body="&lt;p&gt;My name ends with a 'c', while in the country I live in it is much more often spelled with a 'k' at the end.&#xA;When communicating verbally, this makes no difference as both names have the same pronunciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when communicating via e-mail, SMS, chat or other means of written communication, I often find people misspelling my name as they're used to the more common variant.&#xA;I have tried to address this passively, e.g. by including my name in an email signature or in my online profiles. I haven't tried explicitly correcting people. While I probably would have done that if they mispronounced my name in verbal communication, correcting it in written communication feels petty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it is a minor detail, I want my name to be spelt correctly. Spelling it this way comes from the family and I want to keep that part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm looking for ways to let people know that I care about my name, and remind them how to spell it in the correct way, while not coming across as petty. How can I do that?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see this as a different issue compared to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1363/how-should-a-young-person-correct-an-older-person-who-got-his-name-wrong&quot;&gt;How should a young person correct an older person who got his name wrong?&lt;/a&gt;, as that deals with getting the wrong name, in-person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3322" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T05:07:50.033" LastActivityDate="2020-04-29T20:59:55.940" Title="How can I convey to people that they spell my name wrong?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1887" CreationDate="2017-08-16T16:20:08.077" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, I am Henric with a C&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know how awkward these things can be. My mother and stepmother have the same name, just spelled differently. They would get particularly irritated when they received each other's mail and such, given the context it's kind of understandable...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom has had to deal with it her whole life because the family version of her name looks like a common misspelling of my stepmother's name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whole lot of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes that's my name and no it isn't a typo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway,  preemptively correcting the situation is a pretty common practice for people with unusually spelled names.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T16:20:08.077" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1887" CreationDate="2017-08-16T16:23:07.540" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, people when interacting online (and online in general) &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.socialmediatoday.com/marketing/mobile-use-attention-spans-and-how-reach-next-generation-social-customers&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;have a short attention span&lt;/a&gt;, most of the time they worry more for the message itself than the finer details. So it's a tough one if you really want people to spell it correctly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on your relationship with the person and if it's an informal conversation, you could be a little cheeky and write at the end of the message:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By the way, It's Henric with a c, not with a k ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives you the means to ensure that you have corrected them, in like I said a cheeky way. You can't do much more than that, without coming across as annoyed by the fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if it's a professional interaction, I think what you're doing is perfectly okay. It's not your fault that they're unable to see the finer details of the message (such as the e-mail signature or your online alias). Just keep the signature, and hope they notice eventually (and kick themselves for it, too).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note for e-mail&lt;/strong&gt;: It can also make it easier for the interaction via e-mail if you have your name in your email. Such as mine is normally Bradley.wilson@..., (I can't imagine people can spell it bradly after that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T20:02:27.470" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T20:02:27.470" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1853" CreationDate="2017-08-16T17:14:31.960" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Condolences are still appropriate; the coworker has still lost a loved one, even if they feel it already happened some time ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sentiments such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure it's hard to see that happen to someone close to you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That sounds like it's been a rough process for you and your family&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;convey recognition/sympathy that the hardship isn't just about the death (which can actually be a relieving thing, as your coworker mentioned) but rather about the whole process of the illness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T17:14:31.960" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1841" CreationDate="2017-08-16T17:44:22.220" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The camera is the best idea as long as it is not hiding in something he could steal, like a Nanny-cam teddy bear. Think Geek would have these but also trick electronics that would let you home into their location once stolen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once painted nail polish on the backs of some coins I was sure would be stolen by my employee. On asking for some change later that day he gave me just what I was afraid of. He thought loose change from someone else's desk  was up for grabs. Lost the job for loose change. An expensive mistake. Note: Ours is service oriented company and can tolerate no such behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Innocent till proven guilty is a great legal standard but other's experience and your own count more in this situation. I think you have enough to tell him at empty his pockets (once). He should be made aware that he is not trusted and will not be left alone around anything of value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3333" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T17:44:22.220" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1853" CreationDate="2017-08-16T18:43:52.290" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;While a stronger connection with the individual would like to lead to a more personalized answer, I've found that when I don't have an intimate connection with someone, a reasonable response has been &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I hope this goes as well as it can for you and your family, given the&#xA;  circumstances.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fairly generic, but gets across what I feel for the individual and doesn't pass judgment on anything they may be doing to cope with the situation. It's a difficult situation to start making assumptions about what the person is feeling because that could lead to an insensitive comment despite the intention to be supportive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2001" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T18:48:19.840" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T18:48:19.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1894" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1900" CreationDate="2017-08-16T19:12:18.797" Score="114" ViewCount="36138" Body="&lt;p&gt;Frequently I'll have my friends and family tease me, or ask questions about when my girlfriend and I are going to get married. Sometimes, they'll even make these kinds of jokes to me while she's around, which is very uncomfortable and awkward. (I have talked with her about it, and she finds it uncomfortable too)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, asking a question like this is extremely inappropriate because it puts us in an uncomfortable position without a good answer &lt;em&gt;regardless of how our relationship is doing currently&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if everything was going great, and we were planning on getting married soon, this question is inappropriate because we haven't publicly announced that we're getting married, and it's none of their business. Or if we were going through a rough time, or had no plans of ever getting married, it's &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; inappropriate because it assumes that marriage is something we both want to pursue. (Note that I'm not directly saying either way where we're at because I think it's inappropriate regardless) I also think this question is very inappropriate because we are both pretty young and have not been dating for very long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I dislike this question because &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's uncomfortable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's making assumptions about us and our relationship/plans for the future.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I feel like there's no good answer, and &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it indirectly puts pressure on us to get married sooner. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If and when we ever do get married has nothing to do with anyone else, so no one else should be putting pressure on us to conform to their expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I respond in a way that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Doesn't directly state anything about whether or not we are going to get married (saying &lt;em&gt;We'll definitely be married by such and such date&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;We're not ever going to married&lt;/em&gt; both seem like bad options),&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Makes it clear that it's none of their business, and that I find the question uncomfortable, and&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Isn't lashing out or overreacting at them for making a harmless joke?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We live in the United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3335" LastEditorUserId="50" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T17:23:55.353" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T21:38:26.230" Title="How can I respond when someone asks me when I'm going to get married to my girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-16T19:22:37.963" Score="30" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you ask?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is straightforward deflection. Or, simply go with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd rather not say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it's also a &lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/a/346314/50044&quot;&gt;polite alternative to &quot;none of your business&quot;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's a personal (or private) matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;That's a private matter&quot; defuses the situation without causing offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T19:22:37.963" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-16T19:25:51.703" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;A classic technique of deflection without confrontation is to respond to a question with a question. Try using a minor chuckle and a warm tone, as if you're making a connection, not pushing back. If this is an older, married relative or friend, you might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Gosh. Did you like it when people asked you that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's an unmarried person, of course, you can set that in the present tense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3339" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T19:25:51.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-16T19:34:42.347" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you tried making a joke such as, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Never - we plan on living in sin forever.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Until just after our first child.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Until people stop asking...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then when they look shocked, tell them you were only joking :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing this would obviously require you and your SO to be secure and comfortable with each other, and having a similar sense of humour. If not, perhaps avoid comedy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More realistically, you could simply say there is no rush. Their preconceived ideas about this are not yours. Be happy knowing that you will do it when/if you both want to. It is no-one else's business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could go down the really cynical route and point out just how many divorces there are among couples who rush into marriage (these stats are scary, no matter which country, culture or age group you look at.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://skeptics.stackexchange.com/a/5194/619&quot;&gt;Example over on Skeptics&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;2002 US data from the Center for Disease Control, says Divorce is more likely when women marry at a younger age (48% of brides married before age 18 divorce in 10 years, compared to 24% married at age 25 or later)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastEditorUserId="98" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T06:50:30.200" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T06:50:30.200" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-16T19:44:52.573" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;When this happened to me, I just said (my girlfriend and I had already talked about it, so we knew what we wanted to say, and how):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we're way too young and have a looong list of things to do before we can talk about that! We first need to settle down, secure a nice job, make a good living, and then, we'll see... If it's time for it (get married), we'll let you know, don't worry about that :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you deflect by setting a long time frame &lt;em&gt;plus&lt;/em&gt; some little &quot;details&quot; like job and home. That means also &lt;em&gt;a lot more time before we can talk about it&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;we'll let you know&lt;/em&gt; part was usually understood as a &lt;em&gt;I'm the one that will decide what to say and when, and I don't really want to talk about that anymore, thanks&lt;/em&gt;, but in a polite way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were left alone and never bothered with that question again after that. Adapt the tone of the voice to who you're talking to, but for us, it worked with family (both sides), friends, and at the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what you decide, wish you to be happy :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T20:58:38.217" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T20:58:38.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1467" CreationDate="2017-08-16T20:27:58.500" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;A traditional approach in old chess clubs was for the better player to play with a handicap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most common handicap is for the better player to start without major piece(s), like both rooks, or the queen, or one rook, &lt;em&gt;et cetera&lt;/em&gt;.  These handicaps can even be ranked, so the handicap can be reduced if the difference between the players is less than expected.  Two rooks are worth at least 10 points; the queen is worth 9; one rook is worth 5; a bishop is worth at least 3 points; a knight is worth up to 3 points.  (These point values were calculated based on the average number of squares that each piece can move to during the middle of typical games between very good players.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A less common handicap is for the better player to have much less &quot;time on the clock&quot; to think.  This method does not work very well in chess, because good players can plan their moves while their opponent is thinking.  Top chess players can win a dozen games simultaneously against ordinary opponents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1714" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T20:27:58.500" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1900" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-16T20:30:09.207" Score="73" Body="&lt;p&gt;Welcome to the world of adults and the responsibilities of forming adult relationships.  Your relationship status is not just your concern; you are part of broader communities which included society in general, broad circles of friends, your close friends, your intimate friends, broader family, and close family.  All of these circles feel the effect of your relationship status, and your closest friends and family have a fair amount invested in your happiness and well being.  You are going to have sex, be intimate, and act as a pair you need to be able to handle questions and situations that fall into the norm of expected participation, behaviors and responsibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you obviously are not communicating enough with your girlfriend to work out standard answers to these inquiries.  You need to have a united front and consistent responses.  Also, if your relationship evolves and grows, or becomes more casual, you should coordinate your stories.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps, your embarrassment and defensiveness are because you just don't know.  The only solution is that more talking between the two of you.  It is okay not to know where it is going but you should agree on where you have been and where you are.  Then come up with humorous responses and serious responses as a fallback if you are pressed.  Just be honest with yourselves, and the other stuff will be easier.  Your family has a biological and familial interest in pressing you on this especially if you have been together for awhile (6+ months).  You intimate and close friends are directly affected by your relationship status.  You must be good enough together that people are emboldened to ask you if you're getting married.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if you are not ready to get married just say that.  If you are too young use that as a reason too.  Telling people you don't know is a cop out and will not reduce the gossip and conjecture that is obviously going on around you.     Marriage is a serious step, and you should not think otherwise, and your friends and family do deserve straight answers.  It is the price you pay for being an adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3343" LastEditorUserId="8302" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T14:42:38.070" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T14:42:38.070" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-16T20:58:15.050" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to lie. On the other hand, his critique is spot on, and I&#xA;  don't have rational arguments to support my stance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyone who isn't a total snob has had the experience of liking a band/show/movie/food/etc that isn't considered 'sophisticated'. For example, I realize that corn dogs are not fine dining, but there is a reason why corn dogs are popular and sometimes they really hit the spot. I can simultaneously enjoy corn dogs for what they are and agree with all of the reasons why a gourmet chef would never serve them at their restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming your friend is not a snob, you can just say something like &quot;Yeah, I totally agree with what you're saying! But I have to admit, I really enjoy something about their music.&quot; Your friend will most likely respond with understanding, and if they don't, that is a different problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-16T21:17:52.017" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T21:17:52.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-16T21:05:39.170" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most connoisseurs you meet are &quot;sophomoric dolts&quot; and have not had an original thought in a long time.   They are just regurgitating established marketed garbage or witticisms as if they were original parlor party pieces.  I remember when I lived in Seattle and was trying to figure out Jazz, I would go to the Jazz Clubs to figure out what was good and what was bad.  I had a friend who was a sultry jazz singer, and over sipping tequila asked her to define good vs. bad jazz to me.  What she told me has helped me in a lot of things, which was &quot;When you listen to jazz, and you like it, that's 'good' jazz.  If you listen to a jazz piece and you don't like it, it's not for you.&quot;    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even connoisseurs have their dark little secrets, and under the right conditions will bend their tastes (e.g. how cute is the person whose pants they are trying to get into).  Discuss the things you agree on, change the subject, and don't put so much stock in other people &quot;expertise.&quot;  Take what's useful and enjoy their company.  Or prepare for &quot;War&quot; and come up with reasons why your favorite band has merit, and figure out why some of their favorites are crap.  Only time will tell, less than 10% of the stuff will be considered good in 20 years anyway.  Enjoy your guilty little pleasures!  If they don't like it, it's not for them.   It's not like you like the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzo0iHrivVQ&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Barney Song&lt;/a&gt; or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3343" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T21:05:39.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1853" CreationDate="2017-08-16T22:22:19.733" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry. Alzheimer's is a terrible thing -- for the family as well&#xA;  as for the patient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next step, if any, is up to your co-worker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What more should I say in this answer?  I know several people who have had close relatives with Alzheimer's and I know what it does.  Your co-worker is right, IMO, to be glad that this indignity is over for his father.  What your co-worker may feel, in part, is a guilty relief that the ordeal is over for his family, too.  The response I suggested shows that you recognize the ordeal of the family.        &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2017-08-16T22:22:19.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-17T00:10:06.403" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I asked a former boss when I would get a raise, he always replied, &quot;Some day, just not today.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're dealing with a social &quot;raise,&quot; rather than a monetary raise, but the principle is the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a polite way of putting off people. You're not ruling it out, you're not committing to anything either, and in roundabout way, you're saying &quot;what will be, will be.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T21:38:26.230" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T21:38:26.230" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1887" CreationDate="2017-08-17T00:12:56.347" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just write in emails that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My name ends with a 'c', while it is much more often spelled with a&#xA;  'k' at the end. That's Henric.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it &quot;light,&quot; but do make the correction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T01:31:23.540" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T01:31:23.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="634" CreationDate="2017-08-17T01:36:14.113" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try viewing the situation in a broader context.  It's not really just about this birthday party, after all.  If your friend is in a long-term relationship, this is going to come up every time your group wants to go to a movie or have a party or have dinner out or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend I've known for 30 years.  A few years into our friendship he started dating somebody who I and several other friends dislike.  They're still together (married now), so we're stuck with her if we want him.  &lt;em&gt;But&lt;/em&gt; -- not all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Members of a couple don't always have the same interests.  My friend likes board games way more than his wife does, so when we're getting together for a day of gaming we invite &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt;, not &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, and that's ok.  On the other hand, something like a birthday party is a &quot;general&quot; activity, not usually tied to specific interests, so we invite both of them to those kinds of gatherings.  I've found that larger parties are ideal for this -- you can get your &quot;included the distasteful spouse&quot; points while diluting the effect.  The more people there are in attendance, the less time you usually spend around any one of them.  Sometimes you can get it down to &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;may I take your coat?&quot;, and &quot;thanks for coming&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To increase your chances of enjoying your party despite this person's attendance, try to invite other people she'll like spending time with.  I call this tactical party-planning.  When I'm planning a gathering I usually have the set of people I &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; I'm going to invite and then a larger set of people I'd like to invite if I can (depending on space, money, or whatever constrains the overall size).  As a host I don't want any guest to feel isolated, so &quot;has common interests with so-and-so who will be there&quot; can act as a differentiator when selecting among that larger set.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To go back to your original question: for the birthday party, assuming it's not some small and intimate gathering, I recommend just gritting your teeth and inviting both of them, and if you can invite some others who might enjoy talking with her, do that.  For get-togethers with your friend in general, try to identify some &quot;just us&quot; get-togethers.  Excluding your friend's girlfriend from everything won't work, but having some things you do with him and some things you do with them is doable -- and that way you don't force your friend to choose between his friends and his girlfriend.  That rarely ends well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T01:36:14.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="214" CreationDate="2017-08-17T03:50:40.860" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is something I have to deal with a lot, because I am much more introverted than most of my friends. I got over my nervousness about being direct/honest with them by imagining what it would be like if the roles were switched. If I wanted to hang out more often than another friend did, I would be totally okay with it if they told me &quot;You know, my 'social battery' runs down really easily, so I generally need more time between hang-out sessions. Don't take it personally, it's just how I am!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's so much worse if you realize after the fact that someone has been spending time with you even when they didn't want to, just in order to avoid conflict. Trust me, if they're a respectful person they will immediately understand and appreciate your honesty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good technique is also to casually bring up your own personality needs in conversation with them, like saying &quot;Man, work has been so exhausting lately, all I want to do on weeknights is just come home and crash, you know what I mean?&quot; If you present it as if it's obvious and you're expecting them to agree, they probably won't feel too offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3366" LastEditorUserId="3366" LastEditDate="2018-10-14T20:05:22.907" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T20:05:22.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1911" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2399" CreationDate="2017-08-17T03:59:27.787" Score="7" ViewCount="2688" Body="&lt;p&gt;Because we're in such close proximity and we share a kitchen, he'll see that I do things a little differently to him. (one example would be that I drink almond milk instead of cow's milk). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which it seems is a trigger for questions, which then moves onto debate, within these debates, he seems to want to emphasise how &quot;I'm being brainwashed&quot; or how his brother went on a vegan diet and that's all he ever spoke about (which I can understand, &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; vegetarians/vegans can be very passionate), plus other things out the scope of the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, I have no way indicated any interest in said questions (unprovoked), nor' have I spoke about my diet previously, except with the action of cooking in front of him (I guess?). He's just &quot;giving me his honest opinion&quot; apparently. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, the most recent debate he got quite offensive without realising it and I would like to cut the conversations about my diet off before it begins from now on. I want to do it politely regardless of any offence caused, we're good friends and will continue to be so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say to him if he brings anything up again?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: When writing an answer, I'm really not looking for your opinion on dietary requirements (whether you praise it, or criticise it.) I would very much just like to emphasise to my housemate that I'm not looking to answer questions on it. It just seems this time my diet is the topic of conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'm normally happy to answer questions about my diet (if someone is curious) as much as someone who goes to the gym often would. But, I now know where these questions lead with this particular individual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T08:09:38.470" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T21:17:05.217" Title="How can I emphasise to my housemate that I'm really not interested in discussing my diet with him anymore?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2017-08-25T21:43:18.683" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-17T04:16:44.900" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note, the people doing it are almost certainly aware that it makes you uncomfortable. They are teasing you (in a friendly way), and just want to watch you squirm. The effect is maximised if the person's partner, parents etc are present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more you squirm, the more they will tease. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggested answers (depending on the person asking).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are single, or in a relationship but not engaged: &quot;Throw the bouquet towards me/my girlfriend at your wedding and we'll see&quot;, or &quot;I dunno, those wedding rings you were looking at the other day were expensive&quot; - followed by feigning an embarrassed glance at their partner as if you've given away the person's secret.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are married, but don't have kids. &quot;I'll propose at your baby shower/when you make us Godparents&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="405" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T04:16:44.900" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1913" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-17T05:22:40.393" Score="35" ViewCount="9206" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't use social media. Faceplace, flutter, you name it, I really hate it, and I avoid it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately social media seems to be expected these days. Like it's a given that everybody uses it and loves it and posts on it habitually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't and I'm tired of being harassed about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some kind ways of putting that out there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to be friends with people, but being a &quot;friend&quot; on Faceplace is completely out of the question. If you have a link to something funny or interesting, there are loads of better ways to reach me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's a more effective way of wording that, without lying, so that I don't have to get up on my soapbox about why I don't use social media on a regular basis?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T05:40:50.800" LastActivityDate="2018-07-01T20:29:46.260" Title="Explaining why I don't use social media" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1914" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-17T05:32:15.730" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just say you tend to waste a lot of time browsing social media and it was having an adverse effect on work/school/personal life etc. So as an experiment you've been boycotting it (actually just say not using it, boycotting will probably provoke a response) to see how much more productive/healthy you are with your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually that'll be enough for most people. If they pry more so, just humor them. It's so addictive these days that it's like an addict asking another person why they're not on the sweet drug of social media. Don't take it seriously, it's just a product of the times. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2740" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T05:32:15.730" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-17T05:47:34.287" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why not be honest about it? Tell the askers what you told us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't really like it. So I avoid it. Besides, you can contact me through (other ways listed here)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should be enough. It's not mandatory to maintain an account on any faceplace or flutter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the same response I was given once when I asked a friend about it at a time when I used to post a lot of stuff online. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I too give a similar response to others when they ask me why I've not been active lately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I got tired of it. I don't really want to post nowadays. I do use WhatsApp, so you can still reach me there for a quick chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If in case your people don't take a simple no for an answer, you may try the following explanation, which is my own reasons for reduced activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Unlike my college days, I'm a lot busier now. I rarely have time to see what others are up to, and I keep in touch using WhatsApp. So I find no real reason to sign into faceplace or flutter for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T06:02:53.787" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T06:02:53.787" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1916" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1780" CreationDate="2017-08-17T05:48:38.070" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This depends extremely on the social and cultural circumstances you find yourself in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've travelled all over the world with the exception of Australia, and found behaviour towards and treatment of children differs by culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the one end, you have extremely child-friendly cultures where basically children can do no wrong and everyone is culturally expected to accept whatever they are doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, you have cultures where children are expected to behave themselves in public. This comes in two flavors: Child is responsible (many Asian countries) or parent is responsible (e.g. Russia). If a child misbehaves here, someone will walk over and matter-of-factly tell the parents that they shouldn't take their child outside the house if it can't behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most western countries are somewhere in the middle, trying to strike a balance. From the context of your question, I assume that you are somewhere there, maybe the USA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That means that the cultural expectation is that a balance is to be maintained. A certain (undefined) level of noise is to be tolerated, but if it gets too much, responsibility lies with the parents to get things under control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others advised already: Your first action should be to check if the parents are trying to control the child and get it to calm down. If so, give them the opportunity to succeed, it might take some minutes. If they fail to control the child, but continue trying, ask for a different table or move to a different table by yourself. This might feel uncomfortable - my fiance likes to switch tables for whatever reasons, I generally prefer to sit and that's it, so I can relate - but it will improve your situation.&#xA;If the parents don't try, or give up and stop trying, confront them personally or have the restaurant staff confront them by pointing out that you have a problem with the situation. It &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; a parents responsibility to manage their children and the least they should be doing is trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When confronting someone, in this or any other situation, I found BIFF to be a useful acronym - &lt;em&gt;Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm&lt;/em&gt;. Something like &quot;Excuse me, but we are unable to enjoy our conversation with the very loud noise your child is making. Please manage your kid, you are in a public space.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this assumes they are not already doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T06:01:54.513" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T06:01:54.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-17T07:21:56.127" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/60a5bp/people_who_dont_use_social_media_why_not/df4p7h0/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;user on Reddit&lt;/a&gt; nails it in my opinion (if you don't watch reality TV):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because I don't care that Jennifer is feeling excited about going to Chipotle&#xA;  tonight [insert emojis]. Same reason I don't watch reality&#xA;  tv. Why take time out of your own life to watch others live theirs?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could then follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Contact me through [insert medium here] instead, if you need me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reality TV analogy should suffice for the nay sayers, you might have to be a little blunt if they're persistent, but with a happy tone, this can come across as kind too. (with a pinch of cynicism) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T16:46:58.977" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T16:46:58.977" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-17T07:43:30.807" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What's a more effective way of wording that, without lying?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, when asked, I just answered : &lt;strong&gt;protection of personal data, privacy.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, I explained my POV:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not about you, but about [ social media - you name it ]. They use cookies, scripts, track data, want to localize you so they know where you go, which website you visit, what your interests are, follow and record &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; internet activity. They want to know what you like, why you like it, and they use private data to link all stuff together. Then, you're in their database, and they can show you what they &lt;em&gt;modestly&lt;/em&gt; call &lt;em&gt;targeted advertising&lt;/em&gt;. To [ social media ] I want to be an &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Internet%20Ghost&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Internet Ghost&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;NOTE&lt;/em&gt;: you have many links and discussion about this matter, but I don't know if I can put them here, so I don't take a chance. But [ you name it :) ] will help you search for these.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;YMMV&lt;/strong&gt; : you don't expand the explanation the same way when talking to a relative, or a friend, or someone you just met. Adapt to your needs: &lt;em&gt;It is known that [ social media ] does not protect privacy and personal data, so I don't feel comfortable with it, and I'd rather not use them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, I just say that [ you / people ] can contact me by [ mail / text ]. I want to stay hidden from &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt;, not from &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; :) This  way, they don't feel hurt and take it personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel exactly the same way about reality shows (see @Bradley-Wilson answer). But found that it leads to arguments (in my case) and never-ending topics, because not everyone has the same approach when it comes to this. So I dodge the bullet, and now avoid discussing this (I hate those too, whether they are &quot;social media&quot; or &quot;reality shows&quot;, but not everyone will like to hear this, and it's their choice to use/watch it. But it won't definitely be mine!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T08:18:31.630" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T08:18:31.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-17T07:48:53.260" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would personally use some sarcasm. They might either respond to it or not, however, be sure the sarcasm is understood by those who need it otherwise they might get offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or how I sometimes respond is more like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Actually... Somewhere in the future, might be next month or about 30&#xA;  years or so ;)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2599" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T08:13:18.383" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T08:13:18.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-17T08:16:34.067" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this instance, because it's about music, simply paraphrase the Rolling Stones (preferably in rhythm).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;♪ I know, it's only 'so and so', but I like it. ♫&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What the Stones/you are saying is that you understand that Rock'n'Roll/the band in question doesn't have a lot of objective reasons to like it; that the general viewpoint is to look down on it, but regardless, for reasons of pure personal preference, you like them anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3387" LastEditorUserId="3387" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T03:10:08.893" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T03:10:08.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1911" CreationDate="2017-08-17T08:18:07.133" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;An informal response could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you mean well, and that you care about my well-being. But I'll be fine. You don't really have to worry about my diets, you know, I can take care of myself. :). So, how's (some other topic)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many variations of the saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Never Discuss Race, Religion or Politics.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Diet is possibly one such thing. People often follow certain diets religiously. And they often try and convert people into following theirs, usually intending to help them achieve better health. It will be a never-ending discussion, and nobody can force others to accept their views. You have listened to his, but you choose to follow yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T08:44:01.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="536" CreationDate="2017-08-17T08:19:06.783" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this is more about coming back on an agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they made plans months in advance and from the get go the room-mate would have said no, the couple would have had a lot more time to make other accommodations. Now with only 2 weeks to go he put them on the hook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, it would have been rude to pressure the issue. The guy made a mistake about forgetting about his test but in the grand scale of things, doing well on your tests is more important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No mistake should go unpunished (otherwise coming back on a deal is free and they become worthless), so I'd expect they guy to make up with his friend by like cooking a meal or taking over some chores for a day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2697" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T08:19:06.783" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-17T08:30:05.617" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two factors here, one is apparently your taste in music, but the bigger problem is that Bob appears to have confused pop music with fine art. Pop music is not fine art, it's entertainment. It's not required to last the ages, it's not required to challenge Beethoven, it's supposed to be fun and bouncy, and possibly even make you want to dance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What Bob has done is put you in a position where you feel you have to defend something that's a matter of personal taste. Hopefully he'll grow out of that sort of behaviour in due course but for now:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes I know, but I like it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shostakovitch has its place, as does Wagner, but right now I fancy listening to the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Zbi0XmGtMw&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Vengabus&lt;/a&gt;, because it's fun&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's more, Bob knows this because that's what cheesiness is, it's pure, unadulterated, innocent, fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why so serious?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; Eurodance as a genre doesn't pretend to be as classy as pop, it accepts exactly what it is and what it's for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1669" LastEditorUserId="1669" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T11:03:02.620" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T11:03:02.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1887" CreationDate="2017-08-17T08:45:26.757" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had this problem for the longest time as well, and I've found that very few things help. Very few people actually pay close attention to names.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even in chat applications, where the name is literally in front of everything I write, people will get it wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is one thing that I've found can help, but only in chat-based contexts, and that's posting a note like this, especially after you've just missed (or just ignored) something directed at you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Quick reminder for everyone - my name is Hendric with a 'c', I won't get a highlight notification if you spell it differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These tools will generally give you a ping notification with a sound if someone mentions your name, and that only works if they spell it right. It gives them an incentive to learn how to spell your name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that context, I've pretty much learned to accept that people will get it wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T08:45:26.757" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-17T08:48:19.207" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are right. It is an inappropriate question. Similar to the &quot;When will you start on kids?&quot; question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can talk to the family members and friends asking the question one on one (without your partner) and tell them that it makes you and your partner uncomfortable, and that you are just not interested in making that step right now. You dislike the pressure it puts on your relationship and would like them to stop asking the question. If they object or see it as a chance to bring it up again, you repeat that you are not interested or thinking about it right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone asks you the question when you are in company, you can curtly say you (both) are not interested in marriage right now and change the subject to something else that occupies your time and attention at the moment. Take a minute right now and come up with some positive subjects (a project at work, an upcoming vacation, a new hobby/interest, ...). Try to find something that not includes your partner to take the spotlight off of you both as a couple even more. It's important that you have something to say after you tell them off, so as not to make things awkward. So again, prepare something to say. Bonus about this tactic, you don't need to discuss it with your partner and talk about &quot;the question&quot; again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3388" LastEditorUserId="3388" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T11:25:44.267" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T11:25:44.267" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-17T09:06:49.237" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If anyone asks me questions I consider to be personal or inappropriate I just become sarcastic and give answers which have nothing to do with the subject or seem to be nonsense, then people stop bothering me, e.g.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: &quot;Why don't you have a boyfriend / girlfriend?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: &quot;I like dogs but having cats is so much more manageable -sit down&#xA;  and be quiet.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: &quot;It's time to have children, you should hurry up!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: &quot;It's time to buy a travel mouthwash, hurry up!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and so on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3396" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T09:12:04.077" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T09:12:04.077" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1930" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1887" CreationDate="2017-08-17T09:08:08.623" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have exactly the same problem as my mother chose to make my name spell without the more usual &quot;Th&quot; at the beginning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As stated in different answers: You cannot really do anything about it. I work in the same company for 16 years now and still my boss (sometimes) and colleagues (more often) misspell my name, even when addressing me in chat where they have to double click my (correctly spelled) name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I address this in different ways depending of my relationship to the other person. If I know the other person well I purposely misspell his name when addressing them by adding an &quot;h&quot; at a weird position (works well because they add an additional &quot;h&quot; when addressing me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bhradley, Hi Ehric, Hi Phaul&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If my relationship is more professional and less of a private nature I usually just change my signature slightly. Some of them get it, some never... But this is something I have learned to live with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regards&#xA;  Torsten (without h)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And sometimes I use both ways the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3392" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T09:08:08.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1932" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-17T09:20:43.310" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might answer &lt;strong&gt;honestly&lt;/strong&gt; but at the same time play it over &lt;strong&gt;with humour&lt;/strong&gt; to &lt;strong&gt;signal to your friend you're not offended&lt;/strong&gt;. Something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, they are like a big fat steak, unhealthy, unnecessary, bad for&#xA;  the environment, but I like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;also directly indicates it as a guilty pleasure.&#xA;Of course, if you're vegan or don't actually like steak, you'd have to vary the example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastEditorUserId="369" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T23:36:53.453" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T23:36:53.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1933" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1072" CreationDate="2017-08-17T09:22:17.770" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly being French myself I would just be clear about it and tell him that he's starting to really annoy me and I don't want to have anything to  do with him anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you've said the person in question here seems to have quite an opinion of himself, so the way you will be cutting ties with him does not matter, he WILL be offended. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that he is the only one who shares your interest, so I can understand if you're reluctant in completely cutting tie with him, but if you don't enjoy hanging around with him anymore, forcing yourself to do it will only make things worst. Each little details about him will annoy you more and more, and you will come to hate him, so it's better to completely cut ties with him now, instead of making things worst.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to find other people with whom you could talk about your hobbies, you could try to find people online, or depending on where you're living there might be events such as LAN parties where you could find new buddies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T13:36:02.967" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T13:36:02.967" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1354" CreationDate="2017-08-17T09:48:31.853" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have asked how to avoid the stutter step. As other people have suggested, I find that indicating with my hand is a good way to communicate my intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, my interpretation of the situation (which of course may well be wrong) is that you actually want to avoid the awkward feeling that comes with the stutter step. Avoiding the stutter step can avoid the particular symptom (feeling awkward when stutter stepping) but not the cause (feeling awkward in uncertain social situations).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify, I'm not suggesting that learning not to feel awkward would be easy, or that I even have a solution, but recognising that a stutter step is normal and that there's no reason for either party to feel awkward would (in my opinion) be good practice to move along this path. I actually find laughing about the stutter step at the time (with a grin and eye contact) is a good way of diffusing the situation and acknowledging the ridiculousness of what's happening (as life, if anything, is ridiculous).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, and happy stutter stepping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2470" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T09:48:31.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1936" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-17T09:50:35.430" Score="2" ViewCount="463" Body="&lt;p&gt;My co-worker that has often asked me personal questions is annoying as hell, professionally he is incompetent and I do all I can to avoid, evade, and deflect him, his questions and any kind of interaction with him. I wear my headphones and mind my own business, beyond answering work related questions I try not to even make eye contact, let alone say hello.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This evening I made the mistake of saying have a good night as I thought he was leaving. His response was that he is not leaving, followed by are you married? why don't you have children?, and on and on, implying I have no one to be with (which as true as it is, it was none of his business as we never socialise).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, next time when asked a personal question by this co-worker, in response I'd like to ask him what is his wife's name and when they had sex last? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe if he answers then I can answer his personal questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would this approach be ok?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After reading some of the comments here, what if I just tone it down to &quot;how is your sex life&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is also not a good move, I keep wearing my headphones and not saying anything at all to him. My mistake of trying to have any form of civility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I forgot to mention that in the past I helped this guy with work, ended up doing a job that he keeps asking my manager to do. Every single time he opens his mouth he just tries to screw with me, he has friends that together they never speak English in my presence, and his buddy too likes to screw with me. I have been avoiding both as much as I can, but they continue to screw with me in turns to get a reaction out of me. I love my job and help people, but almost as we get close to Friday they know I am tired and lack the tolerance I have on Monday morning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time I am asked a personal question by these annoying co-workers, I'll be asking them about if they are going to fix up the problem with some work they did, and there are a lot of problems with their work, changing the personal conversation to a professional question that can actually benefit work! :) I have plenty of issues with their work that I have kept my mouth shut not to upset them, but I think that is the language that they understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3403" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T15:44:33.297" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T15:44:33.297" Title="How to prevent annoying questions from coworker?" Tags="&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="12" ClosedDate="2017-08-17T19:46:56.480" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-17T09:50:53.020" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an (Eastern) European, I thought that adding a somewhat different perspective might be potentially useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my perspective, this is may be a very serious offence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever someone tries to invade my private space, I first try to ask myself if that person really understands what is he/she doing.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In most cases they don't&lt;/strong&gt;, so, in my opinion, the best way is to very slowly and clearly state something along the lines of:&#xA;&quot;Excuse me, but I consider this a private matter, please don't ask such questions in the future&quot; &amp;lt;- it sounds very formal, and this is intentional. It &lt;strong&gt;makes people feel they are way out of line without actually hurting them&lt;/strong&gt; the way open anger/sarcasm would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;On the other hand, in (rare) case of people who should know (because, for example, You informed them previously on this or similar matter)&lt;/strong&gt; that they are crossing a line, I think that controlled cold outrage is the most justified reaction.&lt;br&gt; I stress controlled-cold, expressed preferably in situation when no one can overhear You (taking this person immediately into a different room is preferable), in half the usual volume of Your voice, cold intonation, very clear pronunciation and maintaining 100% direct eye to eye contact.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You want to control Your choice of words in order to be perfectly clear and stay on completely objective grounds. Be excessively polite.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;The objective is to state in no uncertain terms that such behaviour will not be tolerated and repeating this again will lead to a major conflict, but it has not - yet.&lt;/strong&gt; It is always advisable to state very clearly and precisely what You consider a no-go ground and observe carefully in the future if the offender is actively trying to accommodate Your demands and be nice/not nice accordingly - particularly, expressing Your gratitude to people who try to understand and play nice with You is always a good idea. Carrots are better than sticks with most humans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general private space is that, private. In my eyes intentional violations of that space are an extremely grave offence. There is a reason why, for example, taking pictures of people without their consent is not just rude, it's actually punishable by law in some EU countries.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Having said that, &lt;strong&gt;this particular question is typically dictated by positive attitude and feelings to You, and in general its a bad idea to make people feel bad for caring about You&lt;/strong&gt; - thus, the option 1. &lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;On the other hand if some people just refuse to understand, then You have to make them. Its always better to do this sooner rather than later, because the more You allow such people to stick their nose into Your life, the more they will push forward, and in extreme cases (which I have witnessed myself, unfortunately) this can lead to serious pathologies - especially when kids come into play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, in life, any problem is better solved earlier rather than later.&#xA;Finally, as some other answers noted, You should coordinate with Your girlfriend so that You both present a united front - generally talking about everything important is, well, important in a relationship :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3395" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T09:57:04.267" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T09:57:04.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-17T09:52:12.227" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;As Scott pointed out, this could well just be teasing. They're probably not expecting an answer, just simultaneously making you a little uncomfortable (in a way that may be friendly within the culture) and expressing approval of your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it seems like this might be the case, try recognising it for the compliment it is. Whatever these people know about you, they're saying that they think you and your girlfriend seem good for each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, react as appropriate when being teased by friends; give them a little laugh and talk about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="441" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T09:52:12.227" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1939" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-17T09:59:42.010" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T09:59:42.010" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T09:59:42.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1940" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-17T09:59:42.010" Score="0" Body="Questions that are aimed at interactions between genders and/or to a specific gender." OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2937" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T23:00:07.847" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T23:00:07.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1936" CreationDate="2017-08-17T10:28:34.773" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;So your problem is that two of your coworkers are going to great length to socialize with you, even asking you questions that annoy or embarass you, even though you are doing your best to ignore them and isolate yourself from conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now that you had enough, your plan is to get revenge on him by asking him the same kind of question he is asking to you, that you were trying to avoid or ignore until now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't you feel that trying to solve that conversation issue that continued even when you explicitly ignored him by suddenly responding to his conversations will produce the opposite reaction of what you intend to achieve ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are confortable with suddenly have bilateral conversations on the topics he is usually asking you about, then go on. But I have the strong feeling that you just want to be left alone and begining to respond to his approaches will surely make the opposite happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe he is a moron and you being cross is his main goal while having that behaviour. In that case, he may be - slightly - disapointed that you chat with him instead of getting mad, but you are still battling on his field. Moreover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, whether or not his approaches are genuine, if you don't like the outcome either because he is happy with the situation and talk to you even more and about even more private matters or because he tries other ways to come at you, you would have lost credibility in the process since you would be engaging with him. Besides, that might come back at you if you try to see your manager about it and (s)he judges that you are equally responsible for encouraging him. If that coworker actually intends to piss you, he may even complain to your manager himself to trap you. &quot;&lt;em&gt;What's your wife's name and how is the sex&lt;/em&gt;&quot; is definitely not a workspace question and that might do you harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have an issue in the workspace with another coworker, the first approach should be to explicitly share your concerns with that coworker, followed by sharing them with your manager if it fails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to answer your question in more precise terms since it's unclear from your wording whether his intentions are nasty or genuine.&#xA;Whether it is simply their character or the result of some mental disorder, some people have issues regarding asserting social boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if they are actually putting that amount of working hours into pissing you off in your common workspace, that is without a doubt something that your hierarchy should be made aware of. The way you describe it, it is between bad manners and harassment, and your boss should supposedly would do something about it. The longer you keep it from you, the harder it will become to explain later and the more likely it will be to blow back at you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering the context of your question, asking it on &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;workspace&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T10:28:34.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-17T10:41:21.170" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're right to feel that it's uncomfortable and inappropriate.  Since you describe the people asking as friends and family, you definitely want a soft answer that acknowledges their asking out of affection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, you could say &quot;Definitely not before you've received an invitation,&quot;  or &quot;Don't worry we would definitely let you know right away.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2870" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T10:41:21.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1943" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1947" CreationDate="2017-08-17T10:43:00.427" Score="19" ViewCount="2079" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often find myself having issues having &quot;smalltalk&quot; or talks which are not directly aiming for some kind of solution or end, but are rather for amusement and as a pastime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When talking with people, especially people at my own age (~18), I would often get tired of the conversation unless it was about a topic which is either relevant to me or a problem, in which case I am always eager to find a solution or some way I can stay content with the issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I seem to be in this constant pursuit of solutions and final answers I often feel like I am cutting people off by driving the conversation to an end too quickly. I tend to listen to a person talking at the beginning of a conversation (which they usually start), then I make out the issue or &quot;problem&quot; and then I seem to invalidate or shut down anything else the person could have said by either saying &quot;Well, that´s just how it is&quot; or &quot;I think you have got it wrong, you should think of it this way&quot; and then I defend my opinion and prove them wrong which of course is not what most people are looking for when starting a casual conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there any techniques that I can practice to keep a conversation going while still expressing my thought on the matter? It is not that I do not want to talk about things but I seem to fail to involve other people into my thoughts and I also find it difficult to involve myself with the issues of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am living in Germany. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3390" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T22:01:21.933" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T22:01:21.933" Title="How to create a mindset which promotes fluid and spontaneous talk" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-17T10:58:27.870" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why should you explain why you &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; use something? If I wear brown shoes, should I explain to anyone, why I'm not wearing black or white ones? I could, but it would be a madness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask them with a surprised tone why should you? If you see no benefits, let them tell you what the benefits are and then you can point out that it is no real benefit for you (commenting on stupid memes, seriously dude?). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people can't really explain why they are doing something (and expect anyone else to do the same), and they do it because the others do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anecdotally, it works even on football. If people ask, why I don't watch it, I ask them why should I watch 22 half-naked men chasing some rag, and they have nothing to add after that point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3406" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T11:16:07.887" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T11:16:07.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1943" CreationDate="2017-08-17T11:17:29.950" Score="3" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Step 1: listen. Don't interrupt, or assume you have correctly identified what they were going to say. Just listen until they are done.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Step 2: now you know what they want from the discussion (hopefully - if not, ask for clarity)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Step 3: respond. perhaps you will now close their discussion, perhaps not, but in any case you will be seen as much less rude. I would suspect that with fuller information you will find there are wider aspects to the discussion than you may have thought when making conclusions early.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, sometimes you will still find that 90% of the conversation was filler, and sometimes small talk is exactly that, but often it won't be - people can just be poor at getting to the point they really want to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;dr Listen more. Speak less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T11:17:29.950" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1947" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1943" CreationDate="2017-08-17T12:03:36.810" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh that's great&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;has always been one of the biggest conversation killers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I find myself in a situation where I may say &quot;Oh that's great&quot;, I just ask more questions about that specific topic. For example, as you wrote in a comment above, when someone tells me that they have been to a movie, I ask them how the movie was, instead of asking them whether they liked it. This way, they keep talking about how the movie was, instead of replying in &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yes I liked it&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No I didn't like it&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the other person talks, I think of another relevant topic, in case I'm not really interested, so that whenever they leave any opening in the conversation, I can attempt to switch to that topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person really leaves no opening, and I have no interest whatsoever in the specific topic, I just answer in &quot;hmm&quot; or &quot;yeah&quot;, until the other person gets the idea that I'm not interested. In case they don't realize soon, I sometimes pick up a random word they said, and try to think of related topics, and then suddenly bring it up. When that happens, chances are that the other person will leave more openings in the conversation. And, an opening is nothing but a slight chance for deviation in the topic...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you're really interested in the topic, the conversation will continue effortlessly. However, as you wrote above, if the person says that they didn't like the movie, ask them &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why? What happened? I heard that the movie was [supply random facts&#xA;  about the movie]... So what really happened?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, the person feels like you're really listening to him/her, a then they talk, even more, leaving, even more, openings in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, I repeat what @Rory Alsop wrote in his answer... Try to make the other person talk more, by keeping the ball in the other person's court, figuratively. This way, at the end of the conversation, you might learn something new from your friend's talk, and you'll get better at changing the topic to something that you like with practice... If you just want the conversation to keep going, asking questions about random things that the other person talks about, and then adding your own thoughts to it seems to work out just fine with most people who love to talk. Asking questions and continuing with another topic is just fine for people who don't talk very much... So I guess that covers most people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Again, Tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask more questions, make the other person talk more, and keep the conversation going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T23:04:38.093" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T23:04:38.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1948" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-17T12:10:37.140" Score="40" ViewCount="20934" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've noticed an oddly confusing greeting mismatch in the US that I wanted to understand. Unless men are very close friends or family, they tend to shake hands in greeting. When greeting a woman - even one they don't know well or just met - they often hug instead... or try to, which can lead to awkwardness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This came to mind recently. I'm staying as a guest with family, my husband's cousin, her husband, and their sons. When the husband (who I've only met once before at a family party) arrived home, he greets my husband with a handshake but clearly expected to hug me, which I facilitated by standing up and sharing what I felt was a very awkward hug. After a while, we all went to bed and the same thing happened - handshake for my husband and awkward hug for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same has happened with my husband's male friends, so it's not just family. The only place I don't see this occurring is between coworkers, though in social settings, I have been hugged by my husband's male colleagues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems odd to me and seems like a recent change. I'm pretty sure that 100 years ago men and women probably didn't even shake hands, let alone hug. Why does this happen now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that a lot of the questions on this site are opinion-based. I'm looking for answers that address this with social science references. I'm not looking for &quot;solutions&quot; - I'm not sure this is a &quot;problem&quot;, though I'm sure that many people find it uncomfortable. I specifically want to know &quot;why&quot; this difference exists. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-03-14T19:33:47.903" LastActivityDate="2019-03-14T19:33:47.903" Title="Why do men shake hands with each other but hug women?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;&lt;physical-contact&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1949" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-17T12:22:45.670" Score="21" Body="&lt;h3&gt;if you like discussions, turn it into a discussion&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I love it when someone slams something I like, because it provides an opportunity for discussion and a good discussion can lead to all participants being richer for having had it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works especially well in the case provided by the OP: you might respond with something along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;While I see your point and even agree with some of what you're saying, I still think &quot;so-and-so&quot; makes some pretty catchy tunes. So how then do we define &quot;good music&quot;? Is it based on taste and therefore inherently subjective, or does a song need to have a technical complexity to be &quot;good&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If you don't like discussions, state your opinion and move on&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you're less fond of discussions, I still don't think you should remain silent: you like what you like after all and there's no shame in that, even if you agree with (some of) the points. Something along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see your point and agree with some of what you're saying, but if I'm honest I still like to listen to some &quot;so-and-so&quot; songs every once in a while. I guess it's a bit of a guilty pleasure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the main goals in both approaches is not to apologise for liking what you like. Taste is subjective and there's no need to justify yourself for liking something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T12:49:17.437" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T12:49:17.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1948" CreationDate="2017-08-17T12:33:05.690" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In seeing this in other areas, I think there are a couple of aspects to consider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Historically, the handshake was a way to show trust, by giving your weapon hand, open and empty, to someone you didn't know or trust well - evidencing no immediate intent to attack, while retaining some distance for safety. And this was in a very masculine, warrior space. A hug showed implicit trust, as this opened up an opportunity for a backstab.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that time, women did not typically carry weapons, so hugs presented low risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While times have moved on, a lot of that cultural inertia still remains, and is even supported in the workplace. The changes have led to more awkwardness, however, as men are under even more pressure to show respect, do the right thing, and even follow unspoken rules around this, so while they may want to shake hands in order to treat women the same as men, they may still feel a hug is what they should do. Uncomfortable for all concerned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To solve the problem - stick your hand out if you want to shake hands. Or lean in for a proper European air-kiss :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-09-28T10:13:47.420" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T10:13:47.420" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1951" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1948" CreationDate="2017-08-17T13:19:15.203" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here are the norms for adults greetings based on gender in my area:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;F/F, F/M, complete stranger: handshake (usually)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;F/F, F/M, acquainted: hug&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;F/F, F/M, good friend/family: hug&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;M/M, complete stranger: handshake&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;M/M, acquainted: handshake (usually)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;M/M, good friend/family: hug, handshake, or nothing&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These vary with age, personal preference, and the type of relationship you have with them (business, friend, loved one), but this is a rough outline, based off my own experiences in the Midwest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hugs and handshakes both show trust, by showing you are not wielding a weapon. Handshakes show you have a clear hand, while hugs can show you are not hiding a knife behind your back, for example. In this way, hugs are seen as a greeting of a higher level than handshakes, but I don't really think that's the cause of the variation by gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it mainly has to do with other ideas like handshakes are more &quot;manly&quot;, or hugging another guy is too homosexual or something. But nowadays, I'd say it's just cultural norms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you offer a handshake before they start trying to hug you, they'll typically oblige. I would just be a bit worried if they might feel offended that you won't hug them, as if you dislike them or something. It's not the easiest thing to avoid awkward situations in greetings and goodbyes, so that's probably also another reason why people frequently just go by the norm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I greet people with neither, and I reciprocate any handshakes or hugs that are offered. It gets rid of awkward hugs and handshakes, but it sometimes is still awkward if people are shy or expect a handshake/hug. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3423" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T13:19:15.203" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1952" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-17T13:42:47.890" Score="18" ViewCount="18232" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've always felt that asking &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;are you alright?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;even when someone just fell down 8 meters or got stabbed to be pretty ironic. Of course that person is not alright, that's obvious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet, I've never found a better way of asking &quot;how someone is doing&quot;, and although it seems the problem is finding the right formulation, I think the problem rather is: what do you want to know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, instead of asking if someone is alright, what should you say/ask if someone is in pain or other situation where you'd normally ask that question?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3430" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T14:00:15.773" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T12:16:21.860" Title="What is the correct way of asking &quot;how someone is doing&quot; in case of an accident?" Tags="&lt;irony&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1953" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-17T13:51:38.577" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Keep it casual by going over-the-top&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have seen many occasions where people talk about things (bands, sports teams) that according to most objective measures are simply not the best for most people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A method that avoids sadness and keeps the atmosphere light is going against them in a none too serious but persistent over-the-top way. (As an extension to the excellent existing answer that states you can turn it into a discussion).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He&lt;/strong&gt;: OMG X had another poor performance, they really are as bad as it gets&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: No way, X is the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He&lt;/strong&gt;: Definitely not, they cannot even do &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Ah, that doesn't matter. I just like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this time the chat may go on for (quite a) bit, possibly even in stronger wordings from both sides. But really, he will probably have realized that your response is purposely over-the-top and thus all serious negativity should go out of the window.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3431" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T20:06:38.363" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T20:06:38.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1952" CreationDate="2017-08-17T14:02:43.190" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm guessing you aren't looking for a social answer, but one which is medically important to the injured person's well being. Here are some common things to ask someone who is injured, without much of an 'escape' to say &quot;i'm fine&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In an immediate emergency:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Can you move?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Where does it hurt?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Point to where you are hurt&quot;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Visiting someone; non-critical:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I've heard that the treatment is more painful than the injury itself.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Is it true?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Are you feeling any better?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Can you move yet?&quot; (careful with this one!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also ask others about the status of someone in a similar manner...  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Asking someone else:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Has [Injured] improved?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;How much longer before [Injured] is released?&quot; (assuming they're in a hospital)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Is [Injured] feeling any better?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;What's [Injured]'s prognosis?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T14:04:31.097" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T14:04:31.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1952" CreationDate="2017-08-17T14:08:37.623" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think &quot;Are you alright?&quot; is a perfectly natural, empathetic, and non-invasive response; we want that person to be alright in spite of what we've just seen. The person probably wants to retain some semblance of dignity. It really covers a multitude of questions: do you think you're ok? Do you think anything is broken? Do you think you could walk? Should I call a doctor?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a CPR situation, when you see someone passed out on the street (obviously not just napping), you're still supposed to shake them and ask loudly, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.berkeleycprclasses.com/berkeley-cpr-faq/bls-study-guide/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Are you OK?&quot;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you feel silly asking it, then follow your natural response with a more reasoned one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you alright? (Then, depending on the injury you just witnessed:)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - What can I do?/Can I help in any way&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - Do you need help getting up?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - Do you think you can walk?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - Do you want me to call an ambulance? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About six months ago while chucking balls for my dogs to chase, I misstepped off a curb and fell onto the road, breaking my arm near the wrist. I lay there in the street trying to gather myself together and not cry out (it turns out it was badly broken). Two neighbors who saw this ran over and asked, &quot;Are you ok?&quot; It was the most natural thing in the world. I answered, &quot;I think I broke my arm.&quot; From there, they got more specific: &quot;Do you need help getting up?&quot; &quot;I'm driving you to the emergency room.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't go into cases where something serious just happened and you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; call 911. (If you do want these questions, comment and I'll edit.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Although it's a very different circumstance, student physicians are taught to ask seemingly stupid questions first (They're called open-ended questions.) The classic question is, &quot;Why are you here today?&quot; (Even if you know the answer.) In the Emergency Department where almost everyone is in pain, you are still expected to ask an open-ended question first. It gives you an idea of the patient's state of mind.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T12:16:21.860" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T12:16:21.860" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-08-17T14:15:42.930" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with anongoodnurse's answer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, tell the manager to express your sincere apologies to the tenant whom you offended, then drop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you mentioned that you talked with two women about maid cafe and thought it might be possible that one (or both) of them is the complainant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to telling the manager, if you feel &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; apologize to the tenant personally, I would come to both of them and apologize profusely, regardless of whether one (or none) of them is the complainant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T21:53:03.713" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T21:53:03.713" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1948" CreationDate="2017-08-17T14:34:04.950" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can &lt;em&gt;guess&lt;/em&gt; that these men believe that women are more likely to express emotion in their greetings (and hugs are a kind of emotional expression.) But that might be a starry-eyed interpretation. It probably has more to do with power distribution and dominance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In 1977, N.M. Henley wrote a book, &lt;em&gt;Body Politics&lt;/em&gt;, about power interactions revealed non-verbal cues including touch. The hypothesis was that the powerful signified their dominance in non-verbal manners. (If you want clear evidence of this, see Donald Trump's handshakes. They are very aggressive/domineering, esp. see his handshake with Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.) In a later revision (1990s), she states (again) that men exhibit more dominance in their body language with women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Non-verbal control is of particular to women, who are more sensitive to its cues and probably more the targets of such control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of her writing is about gender inequality. Invading space and touch are used between unequals to assert dominance, not attraction or intimacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...the failure to reciprocate a dominance gesture by another indicates an acceptance of the legitimacy of the other's dominance, and reciprocation indicates a reassertion of one's own status...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding &lt;a href=&quot;https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&amp;amp;lr=&amp;amp;id=Mi0MMhmqgwEC&amp;amp;oi=fnd&amp;amp;pg=PA27&amp;amp;dq=N.+M.+Henley%27s+(1977)+power+hypothesis&amp;amp;ots=sy6wkCHw2z&amp;amp;sig=tUmqbCBfjADCiDXlGDnrIr7Iz20#v=onepage&amp;amp;q=N.%20M.%20Henley%27s%20(1977)%20power%20hypothesis&amp;amp;f=false&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;personal space&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dominants are freer to move into others', or common, territory. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's more subjugating than totally invading a person's space than by physically moving into it and touching the person with a hug?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People aren't dogs, but dogs actually see hugs as threats or displays of dominance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm from the US (Northeast, Mid-Atlantic states). Men don't hug women they are just meeting here, and I would actually back away from such a maneuver if it were begun. It's just too invasive for me. If it's a friend, it's fine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My guess from the above is that I refuse to submit to a male dominance gesture of moving into my personal space and touching me in a manner uninvited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I see a lot of men hugging, too. Men seem to be hugging almost as much as women in my friends group. (Alternately, no one hugs; men shake hands and say hi to the women.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel awkward with a hug, just extend your hand with a warm smile before the male has a chance to move in. If they start, just keep your distance and add, &quot;I'm so happy to meet you!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/14/us/politics/president-donald-trump-handshakes.html?_r=0&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;All the President’s Handshakes&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T15:33:39.743" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T15:33:39.743" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1959" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1976" CreationDate="2017-08-17T14:45:54.340" Score="58" ViewCount="18960" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in my early 30's, married, and have multiple young children.  I have a lot of co-workers in the same age bracket that doesn't have children but are on the path (newly married, or engaged, kids in the future in the next 5-10 years).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often topics of discourse in the office revolve around childless couple talk like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Taking vacations to romantic/dangerous locations &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Annoying kids in supermarkets &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Annoying kids in restaurants &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Annoying Breastfeeding at the supermarket (see below)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Having hobbies &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reading books for pleasure &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Friday night parties &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saturday night parties&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they ask if I am going out on the town on the weekend, my response is usually: no, I have children.  They get annoyed and say that is what babysitting is for.  Any other married w/ children friends get this.  We can't afford, or feel comfortable, in using babysitting services on a weekly/daily basis for our children.  We generally save those things for emergencies (which happen constantly with a family with young children, like babysitting so we can go to work and earn money).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, how can I tell non-parents they just don't understand, and when they are a parent they will &lt;strong&gt;get it.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Breastfeeding update&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often when my wife breastfeeds in public we hear audible sighs, groans, side snickers, or laughs.  This occurs often enough to be comical.  As for the purpose of this question, we have seen/heard these occur from childless couples in the above age groups that odds are will have, or may have, children in the future.  So the above question applies, &quot;wait until you have babies that are hungry and you're at the supermarket&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the sake of full disclosure, it would seem relevant to state in your answer if you are a parent or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3314" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T20:08:37.257" LastActivityDate="2019-01-02T15:10:02.750" Title="How can I tell non-parents, &quot;Wait and see until you have kids&quot; without being cliché and obnoxious?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1960" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1963" CreationDate="2017-08-17T14:53:51.380" Score="62" ViewCount="15056" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reading &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1804/how-to-respond-to-someone-when-they-ask-how-much-you-earn&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; I was surprised that it seems to be common sense that people do not want to share this information and might even get upset, if someone asks them how much they earn.&#xA;Is this related to culture?&#xA;(I am a young German student/intern, maybe that is related to the fact that I do not get this secretiveness around earning money)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note1:&lt;/strong&gt; I am talking about this question being asked in a non-work-related environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note2:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;non-work-related environment&quot; excludes conversations with people having &lt;strong&gt;any&lt;/strong&gt; kind of relation to your job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3438" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T12:38:26.483" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T12:38:26.483" Title="Why are people unwilling to share information about their salary?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-17T15:00:55.480" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depends on context, really. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure why, but it's possible that people would judge you and treat you differently based on your income.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or at least it's the fear of that happening that puts people off when asked about their salaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I for one discuss my income and expense with my close family and friend circles. I'd not share this information with anyone else. Just me, and my two cents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T08:56:25.900" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T08:56:25.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1963" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-17T15:08:56.440" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;From a UK perspective it's considered rude to ask such a question (it could be considered nosy, as it's something personal to you and something only you can choose to share), but I will delve into why I feel it shouldn't be a question that is asked. It also really depends on who is asking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Close friends and family&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People you trust with such information, I would happily tell them about it. They won't use the information for their own gain, or use it in vain. My parents specifically would ask to weigh up the hard work i've put in, to the job I currently have and offer advice accordingly (if they want to). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I think you should get a new job, you're worth more than this&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;could be an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1960/why-are-people-unwilling-to-share-information-about-their-salary?utm_medium=ad&amp;amp;utm_source=https-superuser-com&amp;amp;utm_campaign=interpersonal.stackexchange.com-promo&amp;amp;utm_content=1960#comment6243_1960&quot;&gt;As @JaneDoe1337 rightly adds&lt;/a&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But with friends I don't really care. Money is often quite visible anyway, if I would earn a lot I would probably be driving a fancy car and live in a big house and my friends would obviously be able to see that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Professional setting and/or officials&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Colleagues would fall under the next section, or the previous section&#xA;(depending on your relationship with them). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would you feel if you found out someone in the exact same&#xA;position earns more than you? I would go straight to my boss and ask&#xA;questions, and I would assume the same applies if you earn more than&#xA;your co worker. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With regards to the workplace, more information can be found &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/27157/how-to-dodge-the-question-when-someone-asks-your-salary/27166#27166&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If I was applying for a loan for example, this information would be&#xA;perfectly valid. They would need to weigh up how much you can pay&#xA;back over a certain period of time and determine whether you can both&#xA;cover the loan and the interest of said loan.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;People you don't really know, or have just met&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using the question I asked as an example, it's directed at people who don't really know you. You have to weigh up the positives over the negatives when someone has use of such information. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;What can they really do with the information?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There isn't many positives when it comes to people you don't know, unless they're looking to help you find a new job and would like to know what you're currently on, to help you find a better role to suit your worth, but the chances of that happening are slim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, what negatively can they do with this information? A couple of examples could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They can treat you differently, if they earn more than you and/or you don't earn as much as they thought. &quot;Oh, is that it? could be a response. (You yourself could feel inferior (or make them feel inferior) depending on their reaction.) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They may get jealous of your wage and treat you negatively that way. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Summary&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just not information that should be given out lightly (especially here in the UK) and to me a question better dodged than answered, you never know how that information could be used against you, nor' can the person really do much with the information anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="13" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T13:15:17.503" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T13:15:17.503" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1964" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1969" CreationDate="2017-08-17T15:10:30.890" Score="36" ViewCount="7725" Body="&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend made plans for us to have dinner with two of his friends, another couple. Since I have some dietary restrictions, they've decided to cook at home rather than go out (despite me saying I'm sure there were suitable restaurants around). If it's relevant, my boyfriend will be helping with some of the preparation, but I have work and will arrive just for the dinner. He insists I don't need to bring anything, but I feel like it would be rude to show up empty handed, especially since it seems they are cooking because of me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't the first time I've been told &quot;just bring yourself!&quot;, but usually it's with people I know better and expect to see frequently enough to repay the favor. In this case I have only met the guy, once and over two years ago, although my boyfriend has known them for many years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things I thought about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bottle of wine / six-pack - they don't drink&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Candles or flowers - cliche and out of place (they have a house full of board games and cats, this will be a casual get-together)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Snacks / dessert - unfortunately not possible due to other circumstances, and besides they already have a full menu planned&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course I'll verbally thank them, but they are spending time and money on this.. Is there another way to show my appreciation in a material way at a dinner party? Is it &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; ok to show up without bringing anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T20:01:49.960" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T02:08:46.690" Title="What can I do to be a courteous guest, when someone says I don't need to bring anything?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1874" CreationDate="2017-08-17T15:10:48.287" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, if you're looking for a way to explain why you like them, you don't need one. &quot;Yeah, but I still like them for some reason...&quot; suffices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're looking for counter-arguments for this example of band &quot;so-and-so&quot;, you could redirect what &quot;talented artist&quot; actually means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's talk about music, keeping it general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's undeniable that some genres of music require more prowess to perform than others, but there isn't always a direct correlation between required prowess and an artist's successful careers. We see this a lot in genres of music where most things are programmed, not &quot;played&quot;. Some artists are unable to play a physical instrument yet gather crowds of millions to listen to the songs they composed on computers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then there's composition, how &quot;complicated&quot; is the song? Some artists create songs with many arrangements and time signatures etc. and are regarded as geniuses whereas some artists opt for a simpler, yet catchier beat which gets a lot of attention from the public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So then, what is a talented artist? The one who can play the hardest-to-play songs? The one who can compose the most complicated songs? The one who captures emotions in his/her music?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...or is it the one that generally pleases the most amount of people with their music?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Music is an art. If they get people to enjoy what they do, they are good artists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are popular enough to have gained the attention of &quot;haters&quot; in the general population, it usually means they got a favorable reaction out of millions of people. They may not be talented musicians or be writing &quot;intellectually sophisticated&quot; songs but if they write something millions of people like, they are good artists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3441" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T15:10:48.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-17T15:23:49.153" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a &quot;social&quot; thing. Comparing (or at least revealing) salaries gives an indication of where you stand in the social pecking order. That's a bit embarrassing for most people. So you don't want to embarrass anyone by asking this information unless they volunteer it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One reason for &quot;volunteering&quot; is dating. There, a person, usually a man, may be willing to reveal, or at least hint at a high salary as a means of flaunting one's standing in society in order to appear attractive to someone being courted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T15:23:49.153" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1967" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-17T15:27:36.900" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, once you share your salary, you don't have any control on the information. It might spread like wildfire to someone you might don't want him to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this may include your coworkers, which lead to breach of work ethic, or worse, contract (some companies want to keep salaries confidential as to prevent jealousy and such).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, they don't have business on knowing a private matter. It does not benefit &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; of you to know your salary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rest already covered in other answers: they might judge you because you don't earn as much, or earn very much. I've ever seen a friend got dumped in a conversation straight after the stranger learned that he earned just the minimum wage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T15:27:36.900" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-17T15:33:54.523" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest reframing this a little. Don't try to tell them they will understand when they are parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you want to do those things if you didn't have kids? If so, you could say that you would love to be able to, but childcare is not cheap or easy at short notice, and in any case they aren't kids forever so they may well be your priority for the next few years!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, we took our three kids hiking up mountains, off to interesting countries, climbing, flying, sailing and a host of other things, so perhaps you could see whether they would like to accompany you on an activity &lt;strong&gt;with&lt;/strong&gt; the kids. (This works best if your kids are generally well behaved so your colleagues can see that while doing things with multiple kids is hard work and requires planning, it can still be fun.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As regards the breastfeeding comment - that's a whole separate issue, which has major challenges in some countries and cultures. Where I live it is illegal to discriminate against breastfeeding mothers, so the challenge back on that point can be quite rigid :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T15:33:54.523" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1964" CreationDate="2017-08-17T15:42:45.500" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;Come as you were told and enjoy the night. They plan to spend time and money on this so that everybody can have a good evening, including you despite your dietary restrictions. The best way to repay them in the short run is to indeed enjoy the meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand from where your desire to repay them with something comes, but your boyfriend instructed you to not do it while he knows you more than enough to do otherwise. Besides, he seems to know the couple pretty well, so I assume he knows what he's doing. My conclusion is that his instructions make sense to him, and therefore are likely to be correct regarding the couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please keep in mind that they aren't really doing you a favor, like planning a dinner for a special event or milestone of yours or cooking your favorite dish to please you, in particular, they are taking your diet into account so that you can enjoy the meal as much as the others. I believe being grateful and having a good evening is enough. Besides, gifts often make people uncomfortable, especially when they aren't in a position to reciprocate, and I bet they don't consider their cooking as a gift to you, just a little more effort to accommodate you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your boyfriend's goal is to make you to not make a big deal out of it, in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T19:39:43.633" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T19:39:43.633" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1970" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1964" CreationDate="2017-08-17T15:43:03.193" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes, it's really okay to show up without bringing anything if they told you so.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the person, they might actually prefer it. Not everyone loves flowers, chocolates or wine as you said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do insist on bringing something, here are some other tips:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bring entertainment for after dinner (Games, movies)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bring their beloved pets something (if they have pets)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bring something hobby related (Your boyfriend knows them well?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T15:43:03.193" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1971" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-17T15:46:59.303" Score="132" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of commonalities shared by parents, but not as many as most parents seem to assume.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Wait until you have kids&quot; assumes that other people will have the same experiences and restrictions that you do.  That is not a safe assumption at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some parents will have extended networks of family that they can (and will) rely on to babysit, allowing the parents ample opportunities for dining out, having a &quot;date night&quot;, or even weekend retreats, without a kid.  Assuming that because these things are difficult for you (and, in truth, many other parents), they will be things other parents will stop being able to enjoy once they have kids, is incorrect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That aside, it will likely come across as dismissive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I would explain why you can't do an activity in more detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I have kids&quot; isn't the reason you can't go out of town for the weekend.  The real reason is more likely to be something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a hotel room for 4 people is too expensive&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;your child has a previous appointment that you can't cancel&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;bringing pre-expressed breast milk requires access to a refrigerator that the hotel may not provide&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;spending 3 hours in a car with a toddler is unpleasant for everyone involved.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be afraid to say these things.  People will be more understanding if you give them actual context, and are more likely to consider these things in the future.  Additionally, there's always the chance that they'd be willing to make accommodations that may make some sort of compromise possible, instead of excluding you altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As whether I'm a parent or not... I'm not going to explicitly say here, because I don't want to feed into the misconception that there's some special insight that you automatically get upon having children. I've met plenty of people who have no children, but who &quot;get it&quot;, and plenty of parents who were completely (and tragically) unchanged by becoming a parent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll say it once again: the life changes that happen to people upon becoming parents are &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; universal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T23:00:55.287" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T23:00:55.287" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1972" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="166" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:04:15.277" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suffer from Biological depression, a little different to clinical as I am hard wired to be &quot;down&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The spoon metaphor is great for things like chronic illness etc, but can only partially describe the fight against the daily mental pain.  So I looked around for another metaphor but could not find one that fitted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a couple of weeks of thinking I worked out that the best way to describe my situation was a &lt;strong&gt;hole in the ground&lt;/strong&gt;  Some days the hole is shallow enough to step out of, other days you cannot reach the edge to pull yourself up. Treatments like drugs and therapy provide you with a ladder, but there are days when even that ladder is not long enough or has been taken away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its not a perfect description, but it has helped my family understand a little better what I can go though on a bad day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3446" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T16:04:15.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1964" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:05:12.937" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would bring flowers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it's a cliché, but it's a cliché for a reason: it's kind, it's well-intentioned, it's non-discriminatory, and it means you recognize that because of your restrictions, they need to do more work than they would just eating out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you knew them well, you could bring something more personal that they would value more, but I assume you don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A toy stuffed with catnip.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A cat toy (one can never have too many).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A book of funny photographs of or stories about cats.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A box of bakery cookies they can eat whenever.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some cat treats?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that the hosts don't want for you to bring anything, but I feel very empty-handed arriving without a gift of some kind, even if it's just something small.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T16:05:12.937" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1964" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:05:28.460" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;IN most cases I would advice to bring a bottle of wine or other beverage, but since they don't drink then bring some entertainment a simple table game like Cards against humanity pops to mind (or pictionary your call)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of all bring the good mood! they expect you to be happy not to feel guilty for the situation, so keep a good attitude and tell jokes or a cool story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bring up future plans and say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Next time I'm treating you ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3163" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T17:51:20.270" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T17:51:20.270" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1975" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:06:26.357" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is 1/2 an answer, because I don't really have an answer to the breastfeeding question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When they ask if I am going out on the town on the weekend, my&#xA;  response is usually: no, have children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My response would be &quot;No, no plans.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say you're boring. Just say &quot;Yes, I am boring.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, there is no need to explain, defend, or justify your decision. The more you explain yourself, the more you give them the power to second-guess your decisions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer: Based on the comments I have gotten thus far, I feel I need to clarify something. This kind of answer is only meant for friends/coworkers that are habitually &lt;strong&gt;giving you a hard time&lt;/strong&gt; over this issue each time. In no way am I advocating that you respond this same way to friends who are not trying to start a recurring argument with you. After all, sharing personal information with each other is a healthy normal part of being friends. And I'm not against that.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T21:22:03.287" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T21:22:03.287" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1976" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:25:12.410" Score="104" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some very good points in the other answers so far, but another thing worth noting is the change in priorities as you cross into this chapter of life. That's really the piece that non-parents often miss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, there's the outward signs, like not going out to the pub with your friends as much, but it's worth noting that that's the symptom and not the actual issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember being a young bachelor who scoffed at my older friends who got &quot;chained down by the wife and/or kids&quot;. At the time my perspective was that they would surely rather be out having fun, and they probably would be if the wife would allow it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I didn't realize, till I crossed that bridge myself, is that it isn't really about &quot;being allowed&quot;. Once I had a family at home, my priorities changed. A night out was fun, but I liked being home to tuck the kids into bed. I really enjoyed spending time with my family, and any chance to get a good night's sleep was absolutely seized upon because it made the next day with the kids smoother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, my financial priorities changed. I wasn't just thinking about myself anymore. A night on the town was always weighed against next week's grocery bill or next month's birthday party, or the need to have a little saved away for the next emergency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There isn't really a good, succinct,  way to explain all of that to someone who hasn't experienced it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do on the other hand is make it clear that you're not staying home with the family because you &quot;have to&quot; it's because you honestly want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry guys, I've planned on spending time with my family. Dinner, hide and seek, bath time, story time, and tucking everyone into bed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't, I've got kids at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These two statements send very different messages to your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do make sure that you're taking some &lt;strong&gt;occasional&lt;/strong&gt; adult time. It's good for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T23:23:46.123" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T23:23:46.123" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:27:46.517" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I quit Facebook about 9 months ago due to personal reasons. What I told people was that I was too stressed by political posts, and I didn't use it much anyways, so I decided to deactivate. (Both of those were true, although they weren't the primary reason.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reaction depends on who is asking - my friends were more likely to go &quot;Yeah, I've thought about that too, but everyone's on there / that's how I share pictures with my grandma / my knitting group is run through it / etc.&quot; than &quot;OMG how can you not have a Facebook?!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the key to not being bothered was&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have a reason that is &lt;strong&gt;relatable&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer &lt;strong&gt;alternatives&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first, I've noticed a trend lately to hearken back to the good ol' days, where people built connections using &quot;traditional&quot; means (phone calls, letters, etc.). Nostalgia is powerful and most people romanticize the past to some extent, so they can empathize with this. It's hard to argue with someone who wants to build &lt;em&gt;better&lt;/em&gt; friendships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With more tech-savvy people, this might not work. In this case, you can cite other things you dislike about social media -- perhaps you think Twitter doesn't do enough to combat harassment, or Facebook shouldn't use its users for research studies, or Snapchat has poor privacy practices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to tell them everything, it's okay to pick and choose what you think they will &quot;get&quot;. Above all, take care not to insult them for their use of it! This will only make them defensive. It's your personal choice to avoid it, as it is theirs to use it. That doesn't make one of you better or worse than the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the second, I reminded my friends that I'm available via text and IM, and we still talk regularly through those. Keep in mind that this will probably take more effort on your parts, which is one reason a friend might be sad you're not on their favorite social networking site. (I used to have a Twitter but quit that as well, and lost some friends as a result because that was the only place we really talked. Of course, this is less of a factor if you never had an account in the first place.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, you say in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1913/explaining-why-i-dont-use-social-media#comment6094_1915&quot;&gt;a comment&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You'd be surprised how many people don't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer... Even people I've known for years, that have heard my soapbox speech, at great length, over and over again, still give me a hard time about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These people just don't get it, and probably never will. You've tried to explain and they aren't listening, so there's no point in rehashing the argument. If they bug you again, deflect and change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, we've talked about this before and my views still haven't changed. How about them sports teams, huh?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could even play along:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Maybe you're right that I'm missing out on things. Did Aunt Myrtle post any good recipes lately? Wow, I guess Jimmy had some real hot takes on that latest episode. I'm glad I have such a good friend to keep me up to date!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being agreeable when they expect an argument takes the wind right out of their sails, without making a fuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T16:27:46.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:41:30.147" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What good could come from sharing that information? Either for you or for the person who's asking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There isn't anything, even if one asks to learn if my career path is worth following, there are so many variables (eg my negotiation skills) that my figure doesn't translate into anything meaningful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But bad things are plenty. Feelings are not logical, and it's all about feelings here. Especially considering the phenomenon that your job usually seems hard to you, while other jobs seem easy. If you're feeling underappreciated, learning that some slacker earns more will only make you even more unhappy and jealous. If that person earns less, you may feel superior, the one who's taxes are actually funding this country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learning the actual figure gives nothing. As mentioned here, money shows, so most likely you already know if your interlocutor is about your level or not. Details are irrelevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T16:41:30.147" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:45:33.093" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't use social media myself, and therefore completely understand what you mean. The only social media I use is Stack Exchange, which is not social media. I do put up pictures of recipes we made, for my mother's friends to see on F, but that's all I do there. I don't even have Whatsapp. Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Because I am not interested and I don't need to.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily very few people have been asking me why I am not on social media, although one old &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9852/how-can-i-convincingly-communicate-to-a-friend-that-i-dont-have-a-personal-mo&quot;&gt;friend&lt;/a&gt; was apparently disturbed (he later told my sister) when he asked me for my Whatsapp number and I said literally these words:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you know my personality; I am not on social media.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it can be perceived negatively even if you make the mildest or most friendly statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you don't like to lie anyway, I am thinking of a mostly non-antagonistic reply for these situations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;mild: I am not very interested in social media, although I can understand its importance for others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;moderate: I am not interested in social media and it is not essential in my life. That's why I don't use it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;semi-controversial reply which can possibly invite discussion you don't need: I had some bad experiences with social media and so I don't use it (not necessarily true of &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; personal experience.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;another semi-controversial reply: it's not me! social media deleted my accounts for some reason. [This can either be perceived as a rude/ flippant reply or confuse the listener.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also have the option of a blunt response which I am not recommending you use unless severely pestered or provoked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;severe: &lt;a href=&quot;http://lifequotes-best.blogspot.in/2014/06/its-my-life-quotes.html?m=1&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;It's my life!&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-18T23:33:26.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1980" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="1985" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:47:41.280" Score="22" ViewCount="1959" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have bipolar disorder. It is under control, but I read that my children might inherit it and my medicines might affect unborn children. But, I'd like to get married and have children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After starting the treatment, I stopped dating. Now, I'd like to start again, but I'm terrified of bringing up the subject. Where I live there is a lot of stigmas associated with mental illness, and I keep quiet about it, among other things, because I wouldn't like to lose my job. I've already lost my previous job over it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, when should I disclose this issue to my potential dates and how do I frame it so they won't run away screaming?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2107" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-02-27T16:18:57.010" LastActivityDate="2019-02-27T16:18:57.010" Title="Bringing up mental illness to dates?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;disability&gt;&lt;trust&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="1981" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:52:50.790" Score="13" ViewCount="2897" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm frequently in a situation where the person I'm talking to stands so close to me that I feel their breath on my face when they are talking. For me, this is uncomfortable and I consider too close. This is a co-worker situation, but in public areas like getting coffee, in the hallways, or cafeteria.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried many ways of getting around this by trying various techniques to increase my distance, by moving around or adjusting to have a physical barrier between us, but frankly, there are many times when it just doesn't work and my only escape is to politely end the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have not come up with any words that I am comfortable saying to alleviate the situation. I don't want to offend them, but it's a very awkward situation. I would really appreciate any ideas anyone else subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3326" LastEditorUserId="3326" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T00:06:37.373" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T13:19:41.687" Title="How can I gain an &quot;acceptable&quot; personal space talking with a &quot;close talker&quot;?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1982" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-17T16:56:13.770" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: this assumes that you are in an culture where these things are not a &quot;fundamental&quot; or even religious issue. Ignore this answer if this is not the case.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Humour, light-weight, ease&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Above and beyond all else, use humour. The trick to good humour is that it must not be artificial. I won't give you concrete lines to say. But I remember one thing in my own distant past, when I was together with my later wife for a few weeks... When people were asking us what we were up to (&quot;wink wink...&quot;), we explained, very earnestly, that we are right now busy finding children names, how difficult that is, and so on. That put a good shock on everyones face, and we left it at that (no, there were no children coming or planned at that time, just yet).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example would be: when the next person asks you such a thing, look each other in the eyes dreamily and start hugging or whatever is &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; appropriate in your culture (kissing would maybe be too much, who knows). Whatever kind of body language you can do. People will be flustered enough so that it will turn a non-issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are really just examples to draw a picture. Use the occasion to demonstrate extreme &quot;togetherness&quot;, that you are &quot;an item&quot;. Avoid any unhappyness whatsoever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;But how?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we are both pretty young and have not been dating for very long&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There you have it. You are both pretty young, period. High time to learn about the constant nagging and yanking-of-chains going up in the adult world. Learn to roll with it. It's on the one hand more civilized than what would be usual amongst adolescents (not so outwardly cruel), but can on the other hand be very bothersome. It is the same as the adolescent version in that if it works on you, people tend to do it more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It helps if the two of you are clearly in the same boat in this. Try to frame the issue in a more light tone for yourselves (in private), to achieve the goal of being able to handle it in a humours way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before this eternal argument comes up: I am &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; suggesting to solve the problem by bending yourself only; but mentally reframing something &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; help a lot to make your reactions (examples see previous section) more easily and naturally - and generally in a more genuine way. Which in turn is a prerequisite to make it actually work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;No sarcasm/irony&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would &lt;em&gt;strongly&lt;/em&gt; suggest to keep everything very good-natured. Laughing is the best way to show your teeth. No sarcasm, no irony, no &quot;hitting back&quot; (like &quot;we marry when you marry&quot; or whatever). You want them to stop doing something, so you should not do it yourselves. I personally find sarcasm/irony ugly, and you surely don't want to cover your relationship (neither between you and your friend, nor your relatives) in ugliness...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2017-10-10T20:36:01.793" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T20:36:01.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1983" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1964" CreationDate="2017-08-17T17:14:23.647" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Traditionally in the US, the way to show appreciation for a dinner engagement was to &lt;strong&gt;send a thank-you&lt;/strong&gt; after the fact. (For example, this typical bit of &lt;a href=&quot;http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1987-05-17/features/8702060596_1_thank-you-notes-parents-dinner&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Miss Manners&quot; advice on the subject&lt;/a&gt;.) This was at least as important as the hostess gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many circles, that tradition is now more a historical footnote than an absolute expectation, but a personal note is still a great way to show your appreciation. It doesn't have to be long; you just need a few lines on a nice card or pretty stationery about what a great time you had getting to know them, and how much you appreciated the food (or their effort in cooking for you, if you can't honestly praise the cuisine). This personal touch will show your genuine appreciation, and doesn't put any of you in the awkward position of an unwanted gift exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really don't feel you can arrive empty-handed, then many of the personal options mentioned in other answers are good. I've also heard of people bringing things like a pack of batteries or a roll of colorful duct tape tied up with a bow, because who can't use those? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you bring, just &lt;strong&gt;aim for something that they can enjoy after you leave&lt;/strong&gt;, rather than something meant to be used or consumed during the dinner: It sounds like they're putting a lot of thought and effort into this occasion, and you want to avoid the impression that you're trying to direct &quot;their&quot; dinner party. I.e. if you bring cookies, be sure to say something like &quot;a little something for your cookie jar&quot; or &quot;they should keep for about a week&quot;. That way, your hosts don't feel that you're upsetting their carefully planned menu, and they can express their genuine gratitude for the thought without worrying about whether they'll actually like the cookies when they taste them in front of you (though of course they're free to serve the cookies with dessert if they choose). The same goes for toys and games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T17:14:23.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-17T17:19:44.153" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Key points to consider: What could the person do with the information?  How could that be beneficial or detrimental to the person being asked?  Unless the questioner has the ability to use the information to &lt;strong&gt;help&lt;/strong&gt; the person being asked, and the person being asked knows this (e.g. bank officer evaluating a loan application), it is often against the person's best interest to answer.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing something that is against a person's best interests is at a fundamental level a breach or negative of trust, which is experienced as offensive.   &quot;Doing something&quot; includes verbal moves that encourage the person to do something that is not in their own best interest.  So, even if people do not consciously process or explicitly identify all this, these elements may be shaping their experience and reaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are potential detriments? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen it happen where once someone revealed a considerable earning potential (not even with detailed specifics), they became a target for overcharging, scams, and serious crimes by people who wanted that money.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could be in the form of simple robbery, or a more detailed extortion scheme. If a scammer knows that you make X as salary and knows exactly what kind of false accusations or other actions the scammer could take that would cost you your job, the scammer can demand that you pay some amount less than X (ceiling may be reduced by some deductions for taxes etc.) and an economically rational person would probably pay it.  Of course, it depends on the amount and credibility of the threats, but the scammer knowing the salary figure is purely helpful to the scammer and detrimental to the earner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, those with higher earnings might be willing to pay more for the same thing than what a person of fewer resources would pay, and might be less likely to try to negotiate down, or not work as hard to seek lower prices.  Thus, a person known as being richer can become a target for perfectly legitimate pricing discrimination, charity solicitations, telemarketing, etc. and the time/frustration/money costs of dealing with those adds up.  If you want an example of price discrimination, check out tourist markets in developing countries and note the prices they charge Westerners who are perceived as rich (especially folks coming from a cruise ship) compared to what they charge locals.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one person in a group makes even just a little more than others, s/he may be asked to make a disproportionately larger share of contribution to communal expenses that all benefit from equally (or that the more well-off person might even benefit less from).  Being expected to do this with every group one is a part of (and facing social distancing/isolation for not doing so) can wind up making that person actually in a worse position financially and personally.  Those issues can be avoided if salary information is not shared. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The recipient of salary information may also believe themselves to be an authority on what the salary recipient should spend the money on.  These may be different priorities than the salary recipient's, and may not be as disciplined.  For example, consider a teenager who knows his family's total income and decides to take actions that cause a large share of it to be spent on things like parties, clothing, electronics, trips, etc. or who grows upset when those things are not permitted, when the teenager might lack a good understanding of family financial obligations or priorities (e.g. housing expenses, saving up to be prepared for large necessary expenses, planning for retirement, contributing to college tuition, etc.).  Trying to avoid such discussions may or may not be the best course of action within a family, but is more often a good idea outside of it.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If others don't know how much you make, it's harder for them to express strong opinions about how you should spend your money.&lt;/strong&gt;  Any of these discussions that still do happen must focus on whether or not the benefit of the expenditure is worth the cost, instead of how small a percentage of someone's total income something costs and how any specific &quot;suggested&quot; expenditure shouldn't be experienced as a material difference in financial capacity.  Comparing marginal cost to marginal benefits is a much more useful focus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other side, if someone doesn't make much, they can also be targeted for crime (on the suspicion they probably don't have a very good protection system in place) as well as scams, frauds, and overpricing that preys on weaknesses and vulnerabilities.  People don't like feeling vulnerable.  They also don't like signaling how precarious their situation is because that turns people off: they are seen as potentially less dependable, less able to bring benefits to interaction partners or groups, and less of a good choice for spending time with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, unless everyone earns the same salary, answering the question creates a social distinction between people, dividing them at least a little bit.  Often, a good conversation aims to bring people together, to find common ground and points where interaction can be mutually beneficial (even if people are sharing different viewpoints that might provide insight toward a common goal).  Someone asking this question communicates (even if unintentionally) an intent to create more differences and division, and as a conversation move this can be somewhat offensive.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you don't think the person you're talking to directly would cause any of these detriments, what is really the benefit of providing that information?  What about detriments that might result from anybody who is overhearing, or anyone any of them tell?  It's just usually not in one's best interests to answer so casually, but people don't like violating social norms (e.g. by not answering a question) either.  Answering or not answering, one is probably at least a tiny bit worse off than if the question had not been asked, and the question-asker gets the blame along with any resentment that may accompany the blame.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastEditorUserId="2637" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T04:39:21.280" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T04:39:21.280" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1980" CreationDate="2017-08-17T17:21:16.793" Score="29" Body="&lt;h2&gt;A Good Read&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bustle has a great article on the matter: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bustle.com/articles/182327-when-to-disclose-your-mental-illness-to-someone-youre-dating&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;When To Disclose Your Mental Illness To Someone You're Dating&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They note five different times when you should consider disclosing your mental illness:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When It Influences Your Behavior&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For instance, Health Central gives a scenario in which a person with&#xA;  an anxiety disorder is invited on &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.healthcentral.com/anxiety/c/1443/131352/girlfriend-anxiety/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;a date to a crowded space in which&#xA;  they would be at risk of panic attacks&lt;/a&gt;. That acts as a spur to&#xA;  disclosure; &lt;strong&gt;it requires negotiation and plan-changing with a date, and&#xA;  therefore, your mental health needs to be on the table.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But this isn't as simple as it seems. People with long-standing&#xA;  disorders often note that many aspects of their behavior are affected&#xA;  by it and that it forms part of who they are. &quot;When it influences&#xA;  your behavior,&quot; in that case, is &quot;always,&quot; and there isn't one&#xA;  particular &quot;flaring&quot; moment in which the symptoms become more or less&#xA;  noticeable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(&lt;em&gt;emphasis mine&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When You're Not In A Disorder Phase&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Organizations like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) suggest that it's best to &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.nami.org/About-NAMI/NAMI-News/What-s-Love-Got-to-Do-with-It#sthash.BGqIJuwh.dpuf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;talk about it during a calm time&lt;/a&gt; when you're not actively struggling with an episode of anxiety, depression, psychosis, or mania,&quot; as it will help you explain things clearly and respond to their concerns. Some people may worry that this makes their condition seem less believable to their date, but a person who doesn't believe you when you say you're diagnosed with a mental illness is not somebody you should be spending movie nights with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When You Reach A &quot;Serious&quot; Stage&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is one of the most common tips: that you definitely need to disclose if things are becoming &quot;serious,&quot; though how that's defined is up to you (sleeping together, seeing each other multiple times a week, calling each other &quot;partner&quot; or &quot;girlfriend,&quot; etc.). &lt;a href=&quot;https://mic.com/articles/126436/the-conversation-no-one-wants-to-have-about-dating-with-a-mental-illness#.6u5gxfgeK&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Psychologist Barbara Greenberg, for example&lt;/a&gt;, interviewed on the question by Mic, says disclosure should occur &quot;whenever the relationship has matured to the point where it feels comfortable — usually, around the three-month mark.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When It Feels Safe&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There is, as always, a caveat. For some people, their disorders are sufficiently intrusive that waiting until safety has been achieved is not feasible, or indeed particularly cool for their partner. &quot;I would love to feel I could keep my mental illness under wraps until I was comfortable with someone as if it were a hobby like collecting international Barbie dolls,&quot; writes &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/07/dating_while_mentally_ill_when_to_tell_the_guy_about_my_condition.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Molly Pohlig, who suffers from various disorders including borderline personality disorder and depression&lt;/a&gt;. &quot;But that seems both unfair and dangerous. Having a panic attack in front of someone unprepared is not great for building trust.&quot; In those cases, being up front early isn't just polite, it's necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When They Ask&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Statistics are on your side when it comes to disclosure. The &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.mind.org.uk/news-campaigns/news/mental-health-and-romantic-relationships-research-released-today/#.V815ghRT5uY&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;mental health organization Mind explains that, according to a large survey&lt;/a&gt;, two-thirds of people with mental health issues and partners described their partner's reactions to disclosure as &quot;unfazed&quot; and &quot;really understanding,&quot; and that only five percent of all the surveyed subjects, with or without partners, had dates break up with them when disclosure happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My Two Cents&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in a relationship for four years with a lady who suffered from bipolar disorder; it took her a while to disclose this to me. She admittedly took step 3 and we reached a point with each other where it didn't matter to me, as I had already grown with her and got to know her for who she was. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;We were comfortable&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She sat me down and arranged a date night at her place with a dinner. I feel she did this to try to ease any tension when telling me (and to make herself feel as comfortable as possible). So I went to hers for a different (to me thinking it like any other time) kind of evening from what we normally had and when we finished the dinner, we sat together and she revealed it to me. I could tell she had garnered the confidence to do this throughout the night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have something to tell you, I'm not sure how you're going to react but the last few months have been great for me, and I feel it's the right time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, for the rest of the evening (thinking about it now), &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;educated me more than I could educate myself&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. It was great seeing the relief she had felt that evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wanting to get back into the chaos that is dating is a giant leap forward and I personally commend you for that. But, you do have statistics on your side (see point 5). Do what &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; feel comfortable with at a time &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel comfortable doing it. You can get out as fast as you can go in. No one can rush you, and if they do, would you really want to be dating them anyway?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How you can approach it&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Living-with-a-Mental-Health-Condition/Disclosing-to-Others&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers great advice in an approach called &quot;process&quot; talk.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Process&quot; talk&lt;/strong&gt; means &quot;talking about talking,&quot; rather than talking to share information. Prepare your listener for an important conversation by using &quot;process&quot; talk. Here are some ways to begin a process talk:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I want to talk to you about something important. I'm not sure how to talk about it, though. Can you just listen to me and try to understand? I'm hoping I'll feel better after talking about it with someone, but I need you to be patient.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;There's something going on in my life that's bothering me. I think I need to talk to someone about it. I feel embarrassed about it, though, so please don't laugh it off or make a joke out of it.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not sure if this will make sense. I feel uncomfortable talking about it, but I want to tell someone. Because you're an RA, I hope you'll be able to give me advice on what to do next for help.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Further reading&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/online-dating-with-a-mental-illness&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Mental health and online dating&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1980/bringing-up-mental-illness-to-dates&quot;&gt;Dating &amp;amp; mental health: To tell or not to tell?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you the best of luck and truly hope you find someone that is understanding and caring. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T10:49:34.723" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T10:49:34.723" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1986" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-17T17:30:22.393" Score="19" ViewCount="2317" Body="&lt;p&gt;Live in the United States where my family (on all sides) are extremely polarized.   Often at family gatherings (holiday, birthday, etc.) family discusses their political views in strong terms.  This happens for both in-laws as well as blood family.  Extracting myself from conflict from conversations is difficult.  This doesn't have any bearing to the actual political leaning as some family is strongly liberal, and others strongly conservative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example 1:  At family reunion.  Say hello to a family member that I have not seen for &gt; 10 years.  After hugging and saying hello, the family member makes strong politically charged question as first words &quot;So you think we should drill!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example 2:  Birthday party at In-laws.  Family cuts cake; sings happy birthday. The family sits and turns on a news station and discusses polarizing political issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you politely bow out of the conversation altogether without ruffling feathers?  If I say &quot;I don't have an opinion&quot; then that creates a whole line of discussion why I should have an opinion.  If I basically don't agree 100% with whatever opinion being discussed then the line of discussed turns to saying why I am wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you're pressed for your political view at a family gathering that you are forced to attend (be a warm body), how best to steer the general conversation away from politics?  Or, how to verbally steer around point-blank political questions where you can't physically extricate yourself from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3314" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T21:48:48.480" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T23:34:35.507" Title="How best to avoid politics at family gatherings?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;politics&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1952" CreationDate="2017-08-17T17:31:13.193" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; in case of an accident, frame yourself in the image of a medical doctor or nurse and do what they would do. &quot;Social&quot; things need to step back there a little bit, I feel, until it is clear that there is no life-threatening, urgent medical issue (whether you can actually decide that, as a layman, aside). Also, keep in mind that people in shock are different than normal people; things like light body contact, eye contact, soothing voice etc. might just be more helpful than what words you use, exactly. Imagine yourself as a parent helping a little child (without the hugging/picking up part...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;someone just fell down 8 meters&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Funny that you should mention that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When bouldering recently, some lone stranger fell and hit her chin on the rock in a hard fall (same effect as a brutal &quot;upper cut&quot; in boxing with the complete body weight behind it). It was obvious that it was bad - not necessarily life-threatening, but at least a slight concussion/whiplash or even some face damage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think the problem rather is: what do you want to know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to know if there is a urgent life-threatening issue first (breathing...); then, whether there is pain involved; then, whether they need help at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While she lay slightly dazed, I knelt down close to her in a way that she did not need to move her head to see me (but not touching) and did the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Made sure we had good eye contact and that she was actually aware of me. There was no blood and no obvious damage, she was generally moving, so the worst fears were dispelled quickly. Our eye contact was &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; more intense than would be appropriate of (different-sex) strangers just meeting on a street, but that was exactly correct at this moment. It was clear that there was fear in here eyes, and it helped her to literally &lt;em&gt;see&lt;/em&gt; someone close.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it had been impossible to make eye contact (eyes closed or not reacting), I would probably, depending on the situation, have calmy talked to her while making obvious but very light body contact (like 2-fingers-to-shoulder or whatever was appropriate). Think &quot;lay on hands&quot; instead of &quot;poking&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She obviously smacked her teeth together substantially on the way down and was probably afraid to find out whether teeth (or bits of the tongue...) were missing. I asked her if she was bleeding or there were loose teeth; she said no.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I asked her where it hurts, she indicated the general head area, which was expected as she also hit the back of her head when hitting the floor mat. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I held her eyes the whole time in a conscious effort to make clear to her that I &quot;got her&quot;. It was noticeable that that was a good thing as she held the contact as well and was not made (any more) uncomfortable by that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I made sure to talk in an earnest but very calm, unhurried way, also giving her enough time to feel around her own body. This also seemed to work well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I again asked very calmly if she had pain or if something felt wrong/numb, which likely put her in a state of analyzing the damage instead of being overwhelmed by fear; it prompted her to tell of a brutal headache; but I told her that I see no obvious damage in her mouth (no blood, no obvious teeth damage).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so on (at that point, which took maybe 30-60 seconds, she slowly turned &quot;normal&quot; again, the immediate shock went away and other people came as well to help). There are plenty of things you can do and say. I don't even feel that asking &quot;are you ok&quot; in lieu of a &quot;hello&quot; would have been bad in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably tend to use &quot;are you ok&quot; if I happen upon somebody in obvious distress where I didn't see what happened, to see if there actually is a problem - in which case the question is not cynical or sarcastic, at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T17:37:41.797" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T17:37:41.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1988" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1952" CreationDate="2017-08-17T17:40:58.043" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple.  Instead of; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;are you alright?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;need anything?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I had cancer and was chemotherapy I head the &quot;are you alright&quot; question a lot, which was ironic, awkward, and felt hollow.  Instead, I preferred if someone actually offered help instead of just asking me to respond.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3314" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T17:40:58.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1989" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-17T17:41:12.953" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One honest, fairly universal explanation would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because X doesn't do what I need; Y does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Follow up with a short explanation of &quot;what you need,&quot; and anyone further discussing is either genuinely curious, and can give way to a real discussion, or just wants to sway you to their opinion and weren't really listening no matter what your answer might have been.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a concrete example, I am a gamer. Gamers have tended towards other communication platforms now for a while, either exclusively or in addition to social media. First it was Ventrillo, then Teamspeak/Skype, and now Discord is pretty common. Why? Because all these platforms have one simple thing in common: voice communication. Even if you've never played a co-op game with another person in your life, you can hopefully see the value a nigh-instant, hands-free communication method offers to people who do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it turns out these all allow direct messaging, chatroom setups, and yes, lolcat picture sharing just fine. So I've never had social media simply because these do everything I want already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to be a gamer to use this answer, either. Maybe you simply don't use a computer a lot and the mobile sites for these places are really clunky on your phone. Maybe you're simply conversation-oriented and don't want to worry about the profile dress-up minigame that comes with it. Maybe you're a naturally private person and don't want to manage a front-page splash trying to summarize you. Maybe you're happy with your current relationships, or just not that social, and don't want to meet more people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case, supplement with the wisdom of other answers. Let them know it's you, not them, and you're still reachable by these other means to hang out and stay friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3457" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T17:41:12.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1981" CreationDate="2017-08-17T17:52:42.033" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Words are difficult in this situation because it's a non-verbal communication. Words would only call attention to your discomfort, which - in some cases - you don't want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Invading personal space occurs for a lot of reasons; sometimes it's indicative of too little space (a crowded room), someone trying to assert dominance over you, someone trying to gain intimacy, an indication of a person's need (imagine yourself asking someone for a loan you desperately need), or just a real lack of interpersonal skills. Whatever the case, it's hard to deal with. A lot depends on your tolerance for discomfort in asserting yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's not a crowded space, the first step is obviously to step back away from the person. If that doesn't work (the person closes the space), you can suggest you carry on the conversation in a less crowded part of the room, and walk away to such a place. If &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; doesn't work, I'd say politeness can be discarded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One maneuver you can try is gently putting your hand on the person's arm (especially useful if the arms are crossed) or if they are very close, their shoulder, and backing away again, keeping your hand on the offender. This will cause your arm to extend a bit. If they try to close the space, keep your arm extended. That is a loud and clear &quot;keep your distance&quot; in body language. (President Trump likes to invade people's personal space by pulling them close to him. It obviously makes some people very uncomfortable. Prime Minister &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2017/feb/14/donald-trumps-strange-handshake-style-and-how-justin-trudeau-beat-it-video-explainer&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Justin Trudeau used this maneuver&lt;/a&gt; to avoid his being pulled by Trump.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way a person can close the space while you're doing this is to shake you off. If that happened to me, I'd just say, &quot;Excuse me, there's someone over there I need to talk to,&quot; and get the heck out of Dodge. I really wouldn't worry about offending them, because I would feel unsafe with that person and I'd want to keep clear of them anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that feels too assertive to you, I think politely excusing yourself as soon as possible is your best option. If they are trying to assert dominance over you, and you admit you're uncomfortable, they've scored a touchdown.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like the person and you're worried about them (are they mentally ill?), please know that mental illness makes a person &lt;em&gt;increase&lt;/em&gt; personal space, as does anxiety. But if this person does it to &lt;em&gt;everybody&lt;/em&gt;, no matter what they're talking about, then I think they may just be socially awkward and you can gently tell them that you'd appreciate a little more space when the two of you talk. If it doesn't happen, you've done what you could.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T17:52:42.033" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1991" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1986" CreationDate="2017-08-17T18:15:33.550" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in this situation or like often with acquaintances and friends with diametrically opposing views. As long as the opinions are not hate-filled and advocating violent action, I usually just say something to the effect of 'this isn't a political discussion group.  Those groups usually end up in arguments and bad feelings and I don't want to hear anything here that will make me think less of the speaker.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the opinion is extreme, hate-filled or the like, I say something to the effect of 'I don't think that's helpful or useful and I don't want to be part of any conversation or group that includes this kind of discussion, so either shut up or I'm going.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is not to continue the discussion by sneaking in my own opinion just to make clear that discussion is so uncomfortable for me that continuing it will result in my leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this doesn't work well with a group of total strangers or in an elevator but that's a different question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3460" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T18:22:58.320" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T18:22:58.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1992" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-17T18:16:11.997" Score="0" ViewCount="250" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are in the cubicle farm and you have that co-worker that is just a little too loud for you to concentrate.  How do you avoid the awkward conversation of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;hey you are too loud I can't work?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3314" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T18:22:29.610" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T07:00:59.313" Title="How to confront a coworker that is too loud in the office?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-08-20T08:26:20.340" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1995" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1948" CreationDate="2017-08-17T20:00:50.937" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The OP specifically wants to know &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; men shake hands with each other but hug women.  The answer may be rooted in millions of years of evolution in primate signals of aggression and friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This article in &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gq.com/story/hugs-and-back-pats&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;GQ&lt;/a&gt; &lt;em&gt;Why Do Guys Always Have to Pat Each Other on the Back When They Hug?&lt;/em&gt; has a paragraph which is pertinent to the OP's &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; question.  The paragraph quotes &lt;a href=&quot;https://heb.fas.harvard.edu/people/richard-w-wrangham&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Richard Wrangham&lt;/a&gt;, Professor of Anthropological Biology at Harvard.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[This theory] suggests that males would basically prefer not to pat or&#xA;  hug, because such close physical proximity is ultimately somewhat&#xA;  stressful (given that it is potentially dangerous to be so close to&#xA;  someone who could be a secret rival). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Wrangham is right, men hug women more often than they hug men because, as male primates they do not see women (female primates) as potential rivals, thus it is not dangerous to hug them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to why men shake hands -- a custom depicted on Grecian art of the 5th century BC -- see &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handshake&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Handshake, Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The handshake is thought by some to have originated as a gesture of&#xA;  peace by demonstrating that the hand holds no weapon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This interpretation, although a popular one, does not explain the 5th century Grecian BC bas-relief of two goddesses shaking hands.  (Wikipedia reference above.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T20:35:43.350" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T20:35:43.350" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1992" CreationDate="2017-08-17T20:14:09.220" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Never go straight to your boss, would be my advice. If any, always directly ask the co-worker.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to speak to him during coffeebreak. Do it when your co-worker is in a good mood. Never say about it being your problem. Say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, could you lower your volume a bit while working? Seems our boss&#xA;  did not spend that much on the acoustic environment. (Ha-ha.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a bit of humor, you don't point the problem at him and you've made your point towards your co-worker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: Do not take my advice if your co-worker IS your boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3198" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T20:14:09.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-17T20:21:55.947" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make it short and &lt;em&gt;don't explain&lt;/em&gt;. Explanations just invite counter-arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm old fashioned that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your peers start a discussion, just signal indifference and move to another topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;But you miss out on so much important news! &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Yeah, that's ok. How was your trip to Sicily, by the way?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They won't enjoy debating someone who obviously isn't involved. And they won't feel the need do defended their own choice of using social media in case they perceive your abstinence as an implicit challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; want to get on the soapbox, but this is guaranteed to &lt;em&gt;provoke&lt;/em&gt; rather than avoid debate, Richard Stallmann has compiled a brilliant &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.stallman.org/facebook.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;list&lt;/a&gt; of Facebook dangers.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T11:11:52.440" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T11:11:52.440" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="1999" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1981" CreationDate="2017-08-17T20:40:18.783" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;My usual technique is to turn my whole body towards them. Feet, shoulders, face, eyes. Try to be square on because personal space changes depending on the angle and what you're looking at. At the very least this should increase the distance a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many close talkers sidle around the side and stand at an angle to get closer. My neighbor does this exact thing and I have to keep turning to keep her at bay. They may also use mutual points of focus (getting you to look away at the same distant point as them by staring off into the distance, or fixing attention on anything other than their face) to get your attention non-direct allowing them closer also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pick pockets and martial artists both use this angle change and not looking directly at the person to get close enough without triggering all the bodies closeness alarms. Being square on and attentive makes it less comfortable for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it doesn't work then you should say something. You can either be direct:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;sorry, I'm feeling a bit crowded&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or indirect:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;sorry, you might not want to get too close I had garlic last night/ feel I need a shower&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something jokingly like that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="191" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T07:00:50.943" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T07:00:50.943" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2000" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-17T20:47:24.160" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The very act of deciding to have kids means there has been a mindset change and shifting of interests or priorities. This, I think, is the root of the general &quot;wait till you have kids&quot; comment. Nobody young wants to hear it because it's taken as a tired old phrase, but often the focus of life has changed. To some degree it cannot be explained to someone until they, too, shift in a similar way, as there is often no comparable experience in younger people, so the &quot;wait until...&quot; comes across preachy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, a comment like &quot;the act of deciding to have kids causes you to reevaluate your priorities by its very nature&quot; is at least explanatory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, saying a positive statement like you're spending the weekend with your family or watching a movie or etc instead of saying that &quot;no&quot;, you're not going out of town should in itself be enough of an answer, and suggest to them the benefits (to you) of your current priorities, even if they don't understand them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3487" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-17T20:48:25.347" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T20:48:25.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2001" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2004" CreationDate="2017-08-17T20:52:38.123" Score="3" ViewCount="277" Body="&lt;p&gt;I spend a fair amount of time perusing the internet blogs, twitter, etc.  In general it feels that most people are very confident of the correctness of their view of reality, right, and wrong.  This has led to droves of online &quot;experts&quot;, a perceived inflexibility, and a lack of curiosity of other points of view.  Is my assessment somewhat accurate and, if so, why is this happening?  Is this due to the internet and ease of finding information, good and bad?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there any studies that demonstrate this, one way or the other?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3484" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T01:01:07.353" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T01:01:07.353" Title="Impact of the internet on people's high self-opinion?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2002" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2018" CreationDate="2017-08-17T20:56:54.093" Score="17" ViewCount="28384" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just met a girl through a friend and so far, we haven't stopped talking not even for a second. Even though I'm really excited, she is friendly with everyone. Like &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To understand a little bit better: We know each other for like 5 days, and we're into skype until 2AM everyday so far. She lives 200km away from me, which is no problem for me at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like we can talk about anything at anytime and just feel too good about it. We often talk about our religion which is the same, about our days, about childhood, about our feelings, like really everything. Whenever I say something romantic, she giggles or even return it to me, with rare cases of her just letting it go.&#xA;I had no idea that I could fall in this quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I stop acting like I'm too excited?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Or even better, how to deal with situations like this?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't want to sound I'm moving forward at full speed, knowing that she can be friends with lots of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3485" LastEditorUserId="3485" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T11:31:03.483" LastActivityDate="2020-12-13T18:00:41.470" Title="How to deal when you are too excited about someone you just met?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;young-adults&gt;&lt;brazil&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2001" CreationDate="2017-08-17T21:14:16.620" Score="8" Body="&lt;h2&gt;No, and yes&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, this phenomenon is widely known in every land, and even from the ancient times. In Indonesia there is a saying that roughly translate to &quot;empty barrel sounds loudest&quot;, and &quot;ripple in the water means it is shallow&quot;, which means people who do the most talk, mostly do the least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/self-proclaimed-experts-more-vulnerable-to-the-illusion-of-knowledge.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt; (I believe there is older research, but I can't find it), the title says it all &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Self-Proclaimed Experts More Vulnerable to the Illusion of Knowledge&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why? Because they think they're full and refuse to accept more knowledge. There is even &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thoughtco.com/empty-your-cup-3976934&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;a Chinese saying for that.&lt;/a&gt; They think they're smart, and an expert who must be right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, because this is worsened by the revolution of information distribution. If mail arrives days or even weeks, now internet allow the exchange of information and knowledge in seconds. People can self-learn many topics in short time, but without experience in the field. This led to the cup &quot;filled&quot; so quickly, while in reality they have just a drip of the knowledge of the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't forget that the internet allow people to communicate easily, and in that sense, argue over a topic easily. Internet also allow people to view people arguments publicly over social media (twitter war, anyone?). Some people actually &lt;em&gt;love&lt;/em&gt; arguing openly because they want the sense of dominating the other party, but this topic is for another question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T21:14:16.620" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2005" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-17T21:30:45.633" Score="17" Body="&lt;h1&gt;What is your goal?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you need to consider what you actually hope to gain. Do you want people around you to stop talking about their child-free lives? Do you want them to stop pressing you about why you don't have exciting weekend plans? Do you just want to put people in their place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you have to consider if this is actually going to help you achieve that goal. I think in all but the most rare of circumstances telling someone &quot;Wait until you have kids&quot; is going to come off as patronizing and is unlikely to change anyone's mind unless they're already open to seeing a new perspective. As the adage says, you can't control others, you can only control your reaction to them. So unless your goal is to simply put people in their place, I don't believe there is some tactful way of phrasing this that is going to achieve anything positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How can you achieve it?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than trying to change people, you might consider changing your approach. You write that discussions in the office often revolve around &quot;childless couple talk&quot;, but if the majority of people in your office are childless couples, then what they're really talking about is their lived experiences. They're almost certainly not talking about these things to intentionally exclude you, but rather because those things are important and relevant to them. If you're feeling left out, try adding in with something that's important and relevant to you. For example, the next time your coworkers are talking about books they've read, you might tell them about how all you've been getting to read lately is &quot;Rosie Revere, Engineer&quot; because your daughter is obsessed with it and makes you read it to her at least twice a day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least in my experience, asking a coworker if they have weekend plans is a pretty common form of small talk. Rather than saying no and shutting the conversation down, tell them something you do plan to do even if it's something boring. As a homebody who often prefers to have low key weekends, I've found humor can go a long way to masking those boring things and discourage people from wanting to convince you to do something fun. So if a coworker asks if you have plans to go out, you might say &quot;No, but I am planning to clean out the garage. If I don't do it soon, the spiders are going to start claiming squatter's rights!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you get some sort of joy out of debates that no one can win, avoid getting pulled into arguments with people who have no interest in your perspective. Just as you are (presumably) unwilling to consider that the other person is right and you should just hire a sitter, your interlocutor likely doesn't care about why childcare is expensive, they just want to convince you that they're correct. When someone tries to start such a debate with you, don't engage them. Personally I've found a lighthearted brushoff combined with a question that redirects them to some other topic they care about is a pretty effective way of avoiding these sort of pointless arguments. Worst case, if the person really just won't let it go, find a polite excuse to walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3492" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T21:30:45.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2006" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2012" CreationDate="2017-08-17T21:52:32.260" Score="19" ViewCount="4190" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I develop plugins as a hobby for just over two years now (nothing professional). I've posted one plugin online on a forum for everyone to use. Note that this forum has a rule stating you should write in English. While it's not that big of a deal if you don't, it has basically become a standard that everyone follows. The forum is getting bigger and therefore my plugin is getting more downloads as well. With this also comes more people that require help in using the plugin, are requesting specific features or are reporting any bugs. This is great, I like to hear their suggestions, answer their questions and to help them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, sometimes people don't speak English fluently. Most of the time I'm able to make out what they're saying, but sometimes I don't understand anything they're writing. I know how hard it is to learn a second language (English isn't my native language either) so I can completely understand the problems they're having.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would I reply to these sort of questions? I could ask them to rephrase their question, but I feel like that's very frustrating for the person asking (they are trying to post in a language that's clearly very hard for them and I feel like it's disrespectful to basically tell them their message was unreadable). And even if I ask them to, I doubt the conversation will make any progress, because the next post is probably hard to understand as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could just ignore the message altogether, but I think that's really rude as well, as it might make them feel as if I'm not interested in their message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I currently have no idea what to do. I only speak two languages (only one of them fluently) and the chance that their native language isn't any of these languages is very high, so asking them to write a post in their native language usually won't result in anything good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could learn more languages so that I might understand these messages better in the future, but I think that, because of how long it takes to learn a language, that isn't really going to help that much either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always try to write in simple English and keep my sentences short and to the point. I also try to use symbols instead of words whenever I can (e.g. '1' instead of 'one') because they're usually more universal. And while these things make it easier for the other person to read my posts (at least I hope so) it still doesn't make it easier for me to read theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really want to help these people as well, but at this point it's far better in terms of efficiency and productivity to ignore these messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3491" LastEditorUserId="15789" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2018-03-25T10:30:23.083" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T11:56:13.447" Title="How to deal with people whose English is not good enough to be understandable" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;language&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-17T21:58:42.507" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;People are unwilling to talk openly about their salaries because there is a social taboo surrounding the practice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Like all taboos, there isn't necessarily a good rationale behind its existence. And the taboo can, in fact, be detrimental, &lt;em&gt;as it is here.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Around the time of the industrial revolution, you were not allowed to talk about your wages. You could be fired if you did. Employers did this because discussing what you make is an obvious and required step towards collective bargaining.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you discuss your wages, someone will find out they make less money than they should. If they make less money than they should, they will want more money. The people making money from underpaying people don't want to pay more. Your ignorance is a very useful tool in depressing your wages or the wages of others -- especially minorities or women -- around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So people learned from the early industrialists of old that they would be fired if it was found out they talked money. Those people told others of what had happened to them, that they had been fired for talking money. It snowballed from there. They spread that lesson on to others. So now, even though discussing your salary is a legally protected right, people are hesitant to exercise that right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not discussing salary is an abusive practice. It developed as a historical artefact from the abuse of the rich and powerful in the beginning of the industrial revolution that has wormed its way deep into society and is still pushed by the same abusers today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="480" LastEditorUserId="480" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T13:54:48.623" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T13:54:48.623" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2008" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-17T21:59:13.467" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be honest. Tell them &quot;I'm not comfortable being asked that, I'd rather you didn't&quot;, and explain why, exactly as you did here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can throw them a question back, but one that makes them think and see it from your shoes - &quot;Suppose you'd known someone X weeks/months, and people kept on, how would you like that happening to you. Well, I don't and I'd like to ask you to respect that and not do it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are indeed entering the world of adults in a more significant sense, but the truth is - most adults are poor communicators a lot of the time.  You might look for ways to communicate better than those who would suggest avoiding, answering a question with a question, telling people off, but wouldn't just  level with them about what you prefer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also have allies here. If you have adults you trust (parents? Others?) maybe you can ask them to have a word and get the people who are asking to lay off. I know my mum for instance would be happy to have a word on my behalf in this situation, and say quietly to someone else, that its not nice and makes you uneasy, could they have a word with [person who is asking] and ask them not to. If you have the kind of family or friends where you can do that, it can be much easier and work wonders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T21:59:13.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-17T22:59:16.097" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was a kid, my parents regularly entertained or visited old student friends, sometimes taking me and my sisters with them, sometimes not, especially as we got a little older. We weren't particularly well off either, and I cannot remember having had a babysitter over ever. We were supposed to behave and generally did so. My father was an avid reader and my mother's hobbies included painting, knitting and gardening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm getting at is this: you may not feel like reading, having hobbies, going out with your former friends, going to parties and so on and so forth, but this has nothing to do with the fact that you've got kids as such. Until you dig inside yourself and find the real reason, you cannot have a sensible discussion about this with anyone. Saying ‘wait until you've got kids’, no matter how you phrase it, may be the worst way to go, since it's not just dismissive, cliché, arrogant and know-it-all-ish, but it's dishonest as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3503" LastActivityDate="2017-08-17T22:59:16.097" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2006" CreationDate="2017-08-17T23:27:32.073" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a developer myself and not a native English speaker I find this situation rather familiar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, in this case, is a matter of &quot;customer service&quot; and since you are the &quot;supplier&quot; you can have certain requirements to provide this service (English only, include screenshots or even require a paid subscription) if you state the requirements from the beginning then the demand for support should lighten. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These requirements are nothing new and we see them all the time in communities such as Envato (code canyon) where many developers offer certain support but reserve the &quot;premium&quot; service for paying customers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't ignore them, just state your requirements and in the process, you will look more professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3163" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T17:08:10.070" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T17:08:10.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2012" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2006" CreationDate="2017-08-17T23:33:21.430" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Let me start this by stating that I'm Dutch, fairly straight-forward and very disagreeable, in the sense of the Big 5 personality test.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is respectful to reply to them with a request for clarification, perhaps adding one or two rough/uncertain interpretations. I would say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ok, I'm not sure I understand your message right, do you mean X or is it something else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand this could be frustrating to people in some &quot;mindsets&quot; but I don't think there is a more respectful/tactful response than echoing a best-effort interpretation and asking for clarification. By doing this you show that you trust your conversation partner to express themselves well; perhaps not now, but eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe this combination of a show of trust (&quot;I trust your (eventual) competence&quot;), limits of your own understanding (&quot;I'm not sure I understand you right&quot;) and intent to understand (&quot;I've tried to interpret what you said, did I get it right?&quot;) makes it most comfortable to whomever you're talking to explain what they mean and get into the details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may think something like &lt;em&gt;&quot;the details this person omitted are so obvious and relevant, and the omittance showed such an incompetence, I'm so mortified so I'm just avoiding this situation&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, but then you're projecting your own shame onto that person, and missing the point that it's so much worse to figure out you've not been understood because your conversation partner thinks your grasp of the language is unbearably shameful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: I think treating it casually (showing you think it's OK and normal for communication difficulties to occur) and doing a straightforward, good-faith effort to understand your conversation partner is the best you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3499" LastEditorUserId="3499" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T22:44:46.707" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T22:44:46.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1986" CreationDate="2017-08-18T00:28:55.963" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You will never be able to control what other people choose to discuss, unfortunately.  You &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; fully within reasonable expectations to be able to say you dislike the topic.  If you are at a social gathering, then it is socially polite for people to take into account that &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; enjoys themselves to a reasonable extent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, you can make simple statements such as, &quot;This is such a polarizing topic.  Could we please just discuss something a little more fun and lighthearted?&quot;  In particular, if with family, I will add in something like how seldom I get to see them &amp;amp; I mostly want to laugh &amp;amp; catch up on one another's lives, and not dissect the problems of the world.  This may not work as well in other arrangements that are more formal perhaps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If asked point blank any question I do not wish to discuss I deflect.  It's not just politics.  I do it sometimes for sport, to make the point even.  I have been asked if we are having any more children.  I find this to be a very personal question for someone to throw at you in a group, so instead, I crack a joke by asking something of them that I find overly personal, such as &quot;How much money did you make last year?&quot;  When they look confused then comes the punchline, said in &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; humor, &quot;Oh I am sorry, I thought we were asking awkward questions, like a game.  Oops&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How &lt;em&gt;best&lt;/em&gt; to handle any given situation will depend on your personality type (if you aren't funny by nature, humor is likely out of the list of options).  It depends on your relationship to the people within said conversation as well as the dynamic of the group.  I have some family that we can have fascinating mutually respectful political banter for hours on end and everyone is enjoying it.  On the other hand, I have other family that such a discussion leads to arguing &amp;amp; ruffled feelings in a matter of minutes (yet they don't have the good sense to avoid it).  I used to work for someone with very strong opinions absolutely opposite of my own and he gravitated toward clients that were similar, or maybe they gravitated toward him?  Either way, I was often subject to listening to them go on and on about things I absolutely was in opposition to.  I generally remained quiet, said as little as possible, even at times claimed ignorance to avoid having to take any stance.  I might in such cases, when asked what I thought, say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry.  Listening to you all discuss it has been enlightening, but I am afraid that I don't feel as informed as I should be to even make any assessment on that.  I definitely intend to look into it more.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was not my place in that environment to make my boss or our clientele uncomfortable with my personal political views which literally had absolutely nothing to do with the business I was in.  No one would have been better off for me having aired my opposition and very likely I would have alienated myself.  The &quot;best&quot; way to handle it will always be &lt;em&gt;relative&lt;/em&gt; to all such types of variations of circumstance.  In business, I prefer maximum privacy on personal views.  I don't really want to hear what other people think about issues that do not pertain to work and likewise, I would prefer not to share.  If it's more familiar-peer situation or family I believe it is reasonable to ask for a change of topic, and people might initially act put out, but can most often seem to move past the initial reaction and stop using that topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T18:26:35.323" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T18:26:35.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-18T00:45:04.427" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Stay POSITIVE! -- Having a Family is MORE fun!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take the positive approach.  I have eight children. Been there, done that, and doing it again.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Far more fun to play games with your kids - especially when they are young and the world is &quot;new&quot; - I would never exchange that for some silly &quot;party&quot; on Friday night with a bunch of jaded adults that confuse pleasure with happiness in a billion years!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people make these comments, they ASSUME that whatever they are doing is more fun than what you could possibly be doing because they really don't know what they are missing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who can blame them?!  You should not be negative to them.  They just don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, just tell them:  &lt;em&gt;&quot;I have far more fun with my family than I ever could at some party, so I choose the family.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  (For fun, say it in a Godfather voice to impress the importance of &quot;the family&quot;. ;) )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as reading for pleasure - &lt;em&gt;&quot;I do that in the evenings when the kids are in bed, but you know what is more fun?  Finding that mouse in &lt;strong&gt;Goodnight Moon&lt;/strong&gt; with my kids!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as hobbies - &lt;em&gt;&quot;I have a great time sharing my hobbies with my kids - it is so enjoyable to share them with others that appreciate them! And, so fulfilling when they do it themselves!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as breastfeeding - &lt;em&gt;&quot;Hey, I want to give my kids BEST chance, and NOTHING beats a custom made drink from Mom!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ETC&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, look at all the blessings, fun and happiness and share that (in a POLITE way) with the folks that look down on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2674" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T06:51:35.183" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T06:51:35.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2016" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2002" CreationDate="2017-08-18T00:56:11.793" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing to do is to remember that an easy way to lose a girl is to show too much interest, too soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a number of reasons. The one that is most often cited is that you could look &quot;creepy&quot; or &quot;needy.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But another reason is that if you fall, too hard, too fast, you quickly become &quot;old news&quot; and not a challenge; to use a plain word, &quot;boring.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most men don't want an &quot;easy&quot; woman, and many women feel the same way about a man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your instinct is correct: &quot;I really don't want to sound [like] I'm moving forward at full speed.&quot; But that's only partly because &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't want someone that's overly friendly or familiar. An equally important issue is that at some level, she may believe the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T00:56:11.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2017" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1992" CreationDate="2017-08-18T01:07:10.743" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would &lt;em&gt;ask&lt;/em&gt; him to tone it down:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Could you tone it down just a bit? That will make it easier for me to&#xA;  concentrate. Thanks.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a nice way to ask him to be courteous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If necessary, I would follow with another question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You don't want me to hear all your secrets, do you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you're appealing to his self-interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T07:00:59.313" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T07:00:59.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2002" CreationDate="2017-08-18T01:13:20.667" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a tendency to believe when you are a great fit, none of the &quot;rules&quot; will even matter.  When I met my husband I just felt different.  I have been in love before etc, but the draw to him was so much more intense faster than I had ever felt it.  He was very, very interested in me, and all that did was make it harder for me to try to use my normally more cautious approach in dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, yes, you can come on too strong, seem too available, etc.  That is for &quot;fun&quot; dating, people you enjoy being around but have no likely long term future with.  In those cases, there is definite etiquette that likely needs to be adhered to in order to make it work for whatever time it works. I do believe after watching many people fall in love though that when it's real, the rules &amp;amp; etiquette often don't mean anything.  Some people for sure fall in love slowly, are friends first, etc.  Many people though fall in love within a pretty short time of meeting and fall very very hard.  I did.  I have never once been sorry for that.  We have a good life.  I would never recommend rushing into marriage, kids, those types of things, but love is nothing I would ever hold back on.  It's too awesome when it's right to worry about being wrong because you like someone &quot;too much&quot;.  As long as you respect what they say, like if they say, &quot;Call me on Tuesday,&quot; then wait until Tuesday. I am not condoning becoming some stalker.  I am simply saying if the other person gives no indication you are crowding them, then I wouldn't worry about it.  If they do, then reign yourself in &amp;amp; respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-18T22:09:13.110" LastActivityDate="2018-02-18T22:09:13.110" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1952" CreationDate="2017-08-18T01:17:20.800" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from England, and I like to use &quot;How are you?&quot;. It's pretty general, and doesn't presume they're okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I change it up with &quot;How are you doing?&quot; or &quot;How are you feeling?&quot; if I know the person isn't 100% in the longer term, like they're ill or depressed or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a more urgent situation, like they've just fallen down an 8m deep hole, it would be common for British people to be understated about it, peering over the edge and asking &quot;Are you alright?&quot; even though it's clear they're not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3513" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T01:17:20.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1986" CreationDate="2017-08-18T01:18:11.773" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If, as I suspect, these are in-laws, I would ask my spouse to &quot;run interference for me. Explain: I like your brother, sister, Uncle Sam, Aunt Alice, but not when they talk about (touchy political subject).&quot; As a stopgap, I might say to them, &quot;That is not my favorite subject. Could we talk about e.g. sports?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these are blood relatives that you've grown up with, there are probably &quot;protocols&quot; for 1) changing the subject and 2) leaving the room. Invoke these protocols.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case, it seems like you've married into, or inherited a bunch of politically-oriented people. My condolences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T18:22:01.650" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T18:22:01.650" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1981" CreationDate="2017-08-18T01:22:04.127" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try to put the person at &quot;arm's length.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kev's suggestion of interposing your body is a good one. Absent that, I would put my hands/arms in front of me, perhaps. Such a gesture is one of &quot;non-receptivity,&quot; and typically causes people to back off. Reinforce their behavior by uncrossing your arms if and when they do back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T01:22:04.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1948" CreationDate="2017-08-18T02:01:35.110" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think people may be reading a little more into this than is really there...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people pick up these behaviors by watching adults and peers in childhood. That seems simple enough, right? Human see human do, and we all do it to some extent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, chances are pretty good that if you're a guy and your Dad was the type to shake hands with men and hug women, and you see that pattern repeated by other male figures when you're a kid, you'll likely think that is the &quot;norm&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I grew up in an environment where men shook hands somewhat aggressively, but offered a gentler palm up hand to women. I'm sure it can be traced to some historical origin, but it has little, if anything, to do with why I actually do it. I do it because that was the norm I grew up with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hugging was reserved for people you were particularly close to, and even then it wasn't a common thing.  You hugged people in particularly emotional situations, and my people didn't tend to be particularly emotional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T13:06:26.833" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T13:06:26.833" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1964" CreationDate="2017-08-18T02:30:05.747" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I like to have people over, and I can tell you something that's worth ten times more than a physical gift is a simple offer to help. Arriving a little early then asking if there's anything that I need help with in the kitchen or offering to help clean up the dishes afterwards. Sure, we are hosting and we planned to take care of everything in advance, but who doesn't like a little help here and there? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probable that they will say no or discourage you from helping, and you probably don't want to keep pushing it if they feel uncomfortable with you helping, but the offer will be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3516" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T02:30:05.747" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-18T02:53:20.773" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem is very much different experiences. Let me offer you the perspective of someone in the perfect circumstances to be a parent, and yet without kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like kids, until they are pooping, screaming, crying, rolling their eyes, or being annoying in any number of other creative ways. I don't inherently dislike all kids: I would just never want to be stuck with them, for at least 18 years of my life. So you can relate: imagine losing your non-dominant hand. That's about how I would feel about having kids of my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You list several circumstances where &amp;quot;wait until you have kids&amp;quot; comes up, and they are not all the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Annoying Breastfeeding at the supermarket (see below)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one deserves a question of its own. Not only is this outside the experience of childless couples, but also the approximately half of the population that doesn't have breasts. It's a complicated issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Annoying kids in supermarkets&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Annoying kids in restaurants&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Annoying kids &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; a thing. I'd imagine even among people with kids, there are still annoying kids. I'm pretty sure often it's their own kids that are annoying them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/mPIgt.gif&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/mPIgt.gif&quot; alt=&quot;gif representing a child being annoying&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;Does this count as annoying?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are circumstances where kid behavior is acceptable, like McDonald's. And there are places where it's not, like 7:00 PM at a table near a nice bar. There are parents who are able to effectively deal with their kids, or at least leave if the kids melt down. There are also some that will let a child cry at a restaurant full of adults that are trying to enjoy a quiet and possibly romantic evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you hear some coworkers commiserating about this, why do you feel the need to say anything at all?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Taking vacations to romantic/dangerous locations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Having hobbies&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reading books for pleasure&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Friday night parties&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saturday night parties&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they ask if I am going out on the town on the weekend, my response is usually: no, I have children. They get annoyed and say that is what babysitting is for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are the things childless people enjoy doing. It pretty much describes my life. I enjoy that life so much I've avoided having kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People enjoy sharing the activities they enjoy with others. Or at least, it's common small-talk fodder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bad:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;Are you going out this weekend?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;No, I have children.&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Childless people will question your life choices if you answer this way. They can't understand why you'd decide to have children if it means you can't go out, which is what they enjoy. To the childless person, this is not a rational decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little better:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;Are you going out this weekend?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;No, I can't find a babysitter for the weekend.&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a little better, since it's more an actual reason. But it still doesn't explain why you would choose to have kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not bad:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;Are you going out this weekend?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;No, I plan to enjoy some time with my family at home.&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you're not a slave to your child: you just have a different idea of what you want to be doing on the weekend. People understand that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;Are you going out this weekend?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;Yes, I'm taking my child to McDonald's.&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only are you going out this weekend, but your child is a positive part of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3514" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-01-02T15:10:02.750" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2026" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1023" CreationDate="2017-08-18T04:04:40.457" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In case you haven't noticed the similarity, people like to comment, sometimes in an unkind teasing manner on nearly anything you do to &quot;better&quot; yourself if it's outside typical, and sometimes even then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you eat healthy, particularly if it's a change from how you used to eat, you will likely hear some snark.  I have even heard snark that I think they meant to sort of compliment me on that?  Something like, &quot;Well it's about time that you started looking out for your health&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you start to do a new healthy routine, like a cardio workout, yoga, etc, you can get people snarking about it oddly.  I have had comments like, &quot;Oh you don't need to do that.  You don't have any weight to lose&quot;.  I wasn't doing it for weight loss, but anyway...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I even had people be rude about me going to college.  I know that sounds really out there to many, but I don't come from an area where people often go, at least not when I was that age, and in my extended family it was a mixed reaction.  Some were great, but I also heard a lot of, &quot;So you think you are too good to (insert whatever labor job here)?&quot;, also things like, &quot;Who do you think you are with your nose in those books like you are better than everyone else&quot;.  Even my father made rude comments, but he was/is an under educated man who is defensive on that issue.  He chose to see a pursuit of higher education as a statement that his level of education wasn't &quot;good enough&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yes, I know people will snark about self help books.  They also will about therapy, or other ways you may choose to attempt to tackle internal struggles.  All you can do is deflect, and remind yourself that what other people say is about themselves.  It's totally true.  I worked with the public for many years, almost 2 decades, and then did business to business.  What I can tell you is that kind people act kindly.  You can mess up their day with a mistake, and they are generally going to gracious, understanding, and cooperative while you work on a resolution.  Rude people are going to be rude.  You can bend over backward for them and very often you will be treated not much better for it.  There are of course exceptions, when kind people are having a lot of stress and an off day, you may see that, but again, it's &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; not about you.  I could make the same error with 20 people and I would get 20 different reactions, even if what I did was identical and the way I tried to fix it was identical. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When snark bothers me, I take several deep breaths and say to myself, &quot;I am sorry they have this type of issue that they need to try to make me feel bad in order to feel okay about themselves.  I am glad it's &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; issue, and not mine.  I am glad I don't have to internalize that or carry that weight with me,&quot; and then I absolutely let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it were one person over &amp;amp; over, then yes, there are things you can say and ways to try to establish better boundaries.  As a general topic to deal with it as it comes up though from an assortment of people, you deal with that internally with how you choose to feel about what has been said.  Choose to feel bad for them.  Something is clearly bothering them if they feel the need to poke others for no good reason.  So if anyone ask why you are reading anything, you can simply say, &quot;Because it interests me&quot; and let the rest go.  They &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; back off already if they see it doesn't matter to you at all what they think of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T04:04:40.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1981" CreationDate="2017-08-18T04:19:06.827" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just take the blame.  I say something like, &quot;I am sorry to ask you this, but can you take a step back?  I have personal space issues &amp;amp; when people stand close I start becoming anxious and a bit claustrophobic&quot;.  So far, this has always been well received.  I also don't think it's a total lie.  I don't know how quite to explain the discomfort I feel when someone is standing right up on top of me &amp;amp; this seems decently accurate.  I don't think it's unique to me though, I think it's a natural reaction to an invasion of your bubble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a funny story about this exact issue, when I was in school they taught us personal space.  I wish they still did.  We were made to wear hoops around us with suspenders for a whole week of school.  The hoops were never supposed to cross over the hoop of another child, but they could touch.  I think we may have been about 10 years old, or close to that.  After that week, they would also have time they would yell out &quot;arm check&quot; and you were to put your arms out toward the person closest to you.  Unless you were in the midst of sharing a giggle or secret, the idea was that your finger tips outstretched should barely touch their body &amp;amp; if you were any closer, you were a &quot;close stander&quot;.  LOL  I wonder now if that was a standard lesson or if my class had a particular issue.  I was blessed to be part of &quot;the worst class they had ever seen&quot;.  I laugh about it now, but it was a Catholic school and they took &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; things seriously, including how close you stand. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T07:02:17.103" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T07:02:17.103" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1787" CreationDate="2017-08-18T04:52:22.403" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've found humor to be pretty helpful in such situations.  Not humor against the person or their statement, but something a bit more gentle and (from my sense of humor) a bit absurd or tangential.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if someone says you can look at them, you could say something about admiring the view (of a blank bit of wall), or not wanting to look at something else that is past them - in the interests of not making a statement against &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; that may cause offense pick something like another blank bit of wall that has offended you.  Preferably while looking right at them, to show that you took their statement as intended as well.  Or a joke about them having teleported from where you were looking to where they actually are, or needed new glasses (if you have glasses).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or for your other example, if someone says you're pretty shy, mentioning that &quot;that's what you want them to think&quot;, or that you're &quot;plotting and planning&quot; - instead of being quiet from shyness.  Or something about (jokingly) calling it a big secret or implying you were trying to hide it (like &quot;Oh, no, however, did you find out&quot;, or &quot;drat, the camouflage failed again&quot;).  Again, preferably followed by making a bit more (visible) effort to pay attention to, or be more involved in the conversation - may be asking questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sort of answer seems to signal that their statement was heard and received - since your answer is intended to be non-serious you aren't denying the situation, but you are also not making it the topic of conversation.  That way you can take their feedback and acknowledge it, instead of trying to pretend the whatever wasn't happening, while keeping the conversation light.  Especially helpful if it's something you can immediately do like eye contact, and/or accompanied with a smile, or theatrical emotions consistent with your joke, while not dwelling on any reasons why you were doing or not doing whatever, to begin with.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that if gently done, it can be used in almost any situation save the most formal.  Most people use informality for friendliness, so a touch of it in the form of humor is usually well received.  Especially since these kinds of comments are almost always from people or in situations where a bit of ease of friendliness is desired by the person speaking.  I tend to shy away from anything that targets them or their actual statement, since it may cause offense if the joking intent doesn't quite come through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More concretely, you will want whatever these bits of humor are to be in line with your personality and circumstances, it's much easier to keep it up that way.  It may help if you can remember previous comments, or think of the habits you know about, and try to come up with potential responses in advance - even if you don't use them specifically, they may provide practice or inspiration for on the spot ad-libbing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2236" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T07:35:07.900" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T07:35:07.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-18T06:03:33.860" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not as if you seem to need yet another answer, with all the previous answers you've already received, but, I thought I would put a few thoughts down:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's always seemed to my husband and me, that before we were married but while dating each other, no matter who our friends were at work, we tended to hang out &lt;em&gt;Mostly&lt;/em&gt; with others like us: unmarried but in a committed relationship.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when we married, then the people we did the most things with were just like us, married, but no kids. This wasn't a conscious choice, but I think in our case, it was just easier for everyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When there was a child, then our friends had them, too, and then we were all on the same page, and there tended to be fewer communication hurdles to leap over. But no one was ever excluded, but most single people aren't interested in spending time with other people's children, and that should be ok...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3529" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T05:19:44.320" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T05:19:44.320" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2006" CreationDate="2017-08-18T06:58:46.920" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have already found the basic answer you need. Write sentences so simple that they can be understood by someone who 'translate' with an auto-translator that just translate each word. That is tough. Languages depend heavily on context to give the individual words meaning, and writing 'proper English' will make you incomprehensible. Easy to learn the basics, but getting on from there is all about plowing enough furrows in your brain, learning all the exceptions. It takes years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice that writing simply does not mean using simple words. The word 'incomprehensible' above is just fine, it has only one meaning and every dictionary will 'understand' it well enough to translate it. The trouble comes with words like 'That'. It can be understood in a lot of ways (and so can 'It'). But dictionaries will usually translate it to another little word that is not really applicable in the context.&#xA;So: be lucky, keep trying, be patient(forgiving), admit when you do not understand, and keep trying. We all need to learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3489" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T07:10:37.510" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T07:10:37.510" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2032" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-18T07:35:13.023" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another reason why the phrase &quot;Wait until you have kids&quot; may not be appropriate is that you can't know if the person you are talking to is trying to have kids and is unable to do so. A large percentage of couples have trouble conceiving (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.resolve.org/about/fast-facts-about-fertility.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.resolve.org/about/fast-facts-about-fertility.html&lt;/a&gt;) and these kinds of comments may be very harmful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One safe way to express the same idea would be something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is difficult for me to do so-and-so because of my family situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you don't have to justify yourself for such personal matters and no further explanation should be necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3539" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T07:37:02.537" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T07:37:02.537" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2033" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2040" CreationDate="2017-08-18T07:57:20.510" Score="120" ViewCount="73451" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I are 27-28 years of age. Recently I have caught her going through my phone when I am out of the room and read my text messages, e-mails, Facebook..., checking who I was interacting with and so on. She must have seen me entering my PIN. I told her I did not appreciate this and would like her to respect my privacy. I caught her twice doing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I confront her she gives me the &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why does it bother you if you have nothing to hide?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;argument. As someone who works in information security and encryption, this argument sounds nonsensical to me. And I could actually have something to hide! Nothing bad of course, but let's say I just bought tickets to something I wanted to surprise her with.. Or if I have a confidential talk with a friend, my girlfriend would instantly know about their 'secrets'. Apart from this, I hate the feeling of being monitored and supervised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, I believed I was in the right condemning this behavior until recently when a friend of mine told me his girlfriend did this all the time and he did not make much of it. Of course, this is just an anecdote, and a sample size of 1 means nothing, but I started doubting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Am I in the right or in the wrong? Did I overreact? Does a partner have the 'right' to do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3535" LastEditorUserId="521" LastEditDate="2018-01-07T15:07:30.237" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T15:07:30.237" Title="Partner reading my phone messages" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;belgium&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="15" ClosedDate="2017-11-16T09:07:05.430" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1819" CreationDate="2017-08-18T08:01:09.360" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even in American culture, a male friend whose presence has been hidden from a husband would seem very suspicious suddenly appearing several years later. If he does decide to contact her, I would contact both husband and wife together to demonstrate that you're friends of their family unit and not a threat to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether the husband is the best guy in the world or deeply problematic, having hidden friends is not a good idea for either person in a marriage. It creates distrust and insecurity, which can destroy a marriage.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of a good romantic relationship (married or not) should be embracing friendships which are important to your partner.  Part of a good friendship is supporting the marriage of your friend.  There's only a conflict if one of those two relationships is not really good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2870" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T08:01:09.360" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T08:12:40.023" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your feeling is correct, there is just that creepy belief in some places that, somehow, trusting your partner to no privacy is okay if you are a woman. &lt;strong&gt;It's definitely not okay&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it seems to bother you to have no privacy, something has to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, it's not even about you, if she doesn't trust you, she has no reason to be with you in the first place. I won't tell you how to handle it, that would be pointless, just keep in mind that you are equals, he doesn't have rights over you that you don't have over her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she asks for snooping through your phone again, ask her to give you her phone so that you can do the same. &lt;strong&gt;She will be likely to show you her true self.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T08:24:37.100" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T08:24:37.100" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T08:16:10.837" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there are three aspects to this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Privacy - there is an expectation in many cultures that your diary, phone, journal etc. are private, so anyone accessing them without your explicit permission is breaching an unspoken rule. (and I'm with you on this - I have been in the Infosec industry for nearly 18 years, and have a strong focus on privacy and access controls)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On the other hand, in a close relationship there could be an expectation of no secrets. I share almost everything with my wife, for example. But not everything - if I want to organise a surprise holiday or present for her, I want it to remain a surprise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Trust - if the relationship is strong enough you may feel that you should just be trusted. If she is looking through your phone, could this imply that the trust relationship isn't fully there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the implications of these principles are in conflict. My suggestion is that you have a discussion about how her taking your phone to look through it makes you feel, and how an alternative is for her to ask you to show her your phone messages (with the understanding that there may be spoilers of any surprises you are planning for her etc...) but that overall you need to look at how to improve trust until she doesn't feel she needs to look at your messages. Actually showing her a few times may be enough, but this may be a symptom of needing to do more in your relationship to engender trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T08:16:10.837" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T08:16:34.967" Score="47" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You're very much right.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her going through your phone, to me shows a lack of trust. Which is the foundation of any romantic relationship. I would simply use your information security and encryption magic and encrypt the device, or simply put a passcode onto your phone and change it regularly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you could sit down and communicate any information she is looking for (or looking to find) to prove &lt;em&gt;you have nothing to hide&lt;/em&gt; (if you have to get your phone out and show proof of any of these things, so be it. But &lt;em&gt;you have control over the device and what she sees&lt;/em&gt;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you need to know anything, you know you're more than welcome to come and ask me? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's throwing out the &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nothing_to_hide_argument&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt; argument. She would most likely react negatively to this exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could simply state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Working in security for technology, I don't feel comfortable with &lt;strong&gt;anyone&lt;/strong&gt; going into my phone and I would very much like my privacy respected, as I would offer you the same courtesy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then re-emphasise that any information she needs, you're more than willing to be open about it without her going through your device. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By this point, if she still persists. Then she &lt;em&gt;really doesn't trust you&lt;/em&gt;. Beyond that would be out the scope of the question and down to your own reaction to the situation. But no, you didn't overreact and no-one has the 'right' to invade your privacy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: There's an article you could show her from the Telegraph (never really liked citing them, but here we are). &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/10793926/Is-it-ever-OK-to-look-at-your-partners-phone.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Is it ever OK to look at your partner's phone?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T08:54:36.477" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T08:54:36.477" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2006" CreationDate="2017-08-18T08:34:04.983" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd really wouldn't take it as an insult if a developer genuinely interested in helping me using the tool he made told me :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, but I did not understand. Can you write in differently, or use Google Translate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not rude, it simply means you're willing to help but have troubles figuring out their problem. &#xA;Google Translate also has a huge English corpus, so it usually translates well enough for you to understand the general meaning of its translation, which will help in extreme cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: didn't see someone already talked about Google. Credits to him/her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3545" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T17:07:07.313" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T17:07:07.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T08:39:52.613" Score="163" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are right to be bothered by this. Not specifically because she goes through your phone, but because you &lt;strong&gt;explicitly&lt;/strong&gt; told her you do not want her to go through your phone, and she did it anyway. The real problem is your partner broke your trust, not the means by which she did so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important parts of relationships are &lt;em&gt;communication&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;trust&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By ignoring your boundaries and not talking about it, your partner is failing both of those. Some people might be okay with their partners going through their phone, some might not. It &lt;em&gt;doesn't matter&lt;/em&gt;. What matters, is that if you say &quot;No&quot;, you are able to trust that your partner either listens to you, or talks to you about it openly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not that they break your trust and ignore your boundaries and just do what they want. You need to have a conversation with her about personal boundaries, communication and trust. Not about phones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(The expectation of privacy in a relationship is a common one and most people probably would expect their partners not to go through their phone without asking. So you can complain even when you didn't ever specifically tell your partner to stay out of your phone, but the offense becomes &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; worse after the boundary has been clearly established.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T09:36:42.257" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T09:36:42.257" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2041" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1696" CreationDate="2017-08-18T08:51:44.943" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Adding an additional perspective to the answer of NVZ:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A while back I found a very useful advice on &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-overcome-a-fear-of-making-eye-contact&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Quora&lt;/a&gt; about practicing eye contact. Unfortunately I did not find the source just now and I might have adapted it a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It goes like this:&#xA;For a week, every day you're out, try to notice and write down the eye color of strangers you encounter - the bus driver, the cashier at the supermarket, the server at your restaurant etc. (A contemporaneous smile will assert that it is not creepy.) Set a weekly goal of how many eye colors you want to write down and try to reach it. It doesn't have to be mutual eye contact. Just try to determine the eye color. &#xA;The idea behind this small game is that doing this over an extended period of time might help you be more used and thus more comfortable looking people in the eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe by getting more used to these small eye contacts with strangers on a daily basis, you also gain the comfort to retain eye contact with people in face-to-face conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3547" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T11:53:39.070" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T11:53:39.070" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2042" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-18T09:10:19.067" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Firstly, what are you trying to convey with your statements?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your post it's not immediately clear what your actual problem is. As I see it, you're either looking to communicate your difficulties in participating in social outings or you're looking to communicate that you simply have other priorities due to your choice of having children and how you've chosen to raise them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If you're trying to communicate your difficulties&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to have tried illustrating what your difficulties are but they didn't 'get it'. In this case, it might be worth going into more detail, for instance you might explain exactly what goes into an overnight stay at a hotel when your child is with you. Your goal is to explain your difficulties in a way that allows people who haven't experienced them to understand them nonetheless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If you're trying to communicate that your set of priorities is different&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case you seem to be muddling your point by trying to explain why you &lt;em&gt;don't have the same hobbies the others do&lt;/em&gt; by saying &quot;I have kids&quot;, as if that will magically explain it all. The problem you're running into is that for the people you were talking to, it obviously doesn't, so expecting them to 'get it' is unproductive. Instead, you should try to explain how it feels to have a kid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'm not a parent, but I'm pretty sure I have a very good understanding of the concept of having one or more beings whom you love so much that it's worth 'giving up' the things your coworkers mentioned, so that you can spend your time caring for, teaching and entertaining these beings you've helped bring into this world. I also understand that being a parent often has its ugly sides. I've seen tired parents that barely caught any rest because their baby was teething. I've sat at dinner with parents after their kid had been fussy all day, when they didn't have the energy left to keep the little one's tantrums under control. I have enough of an idea about the requirements of caring for (young) children that I know having any extended length of time to yourself, to read a book or play a game, is the exception rather than the rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know these things because I've seen them happen, but also because parents have explained these hardships to me. The cliche of &lt;em&gt;'you'll understand when you have kids'&lt;/em&gt; exists for a reason: looking at it from the outside, it's hard to get a complete picture of all the little things and not so little things that come into play when you're raising a child and while there's no substitute for personal experience, a good explanation will go a long way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T09:10:19.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2043" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1981" CreationDate="2017-08-18T09:19:43.333" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of different 'possible causes', and correspondingly a lot of different remedies:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;crowded area: In subway cars people are often packed in so close that people cannot help invading your space. Bear with it until you can get off, then wait on the platform for a less crowded train going the same way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Marketing: Salespeople are often taught that by imitating intimacy they soften your sales resistance. Be &lt;strong&gt;loudly&lt;/strong&gt; offensive: &quot;Brush your teeth and call a bomb squad to remove that crap you are flogging!&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Real Intimacy: Instruction in this area is often considered offensive, so ill be quiet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Social gatherings: Tolerate more, and rebuke gently when 'your' limits are crossed, there is huge amounts of cultural variety. In rural areas you may be considered 'intruding' even at a distance of several meters.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Read also &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proxemics&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;wiki: Proxemics&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3489" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T09:19:43.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-18T09:47:37.497" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner and I always stuck with the line&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;When we are ready&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This acknowledges the question we've been asked, does not commit to a date and does not imply never.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we're ready could be next month, in 5 years time or even never - we may have never been ready for marriage. It lets the asker know that it has been discussed and needs to be discussed further between yourselves before you could possibly &quot;bring anybody else in&quot;. The we is the key part as it lets them know that it is a mutual decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2354" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T09:47:37.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1964" CreationDate="2017-08-18T10:35:33.450" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A small box of good-quality chocolates is rarely out of place.  Especially a small box of after-dinner mints, because then you all eat them after the meal.  (Of course, if you're in the US then finding anywhere which sells good-quality chocolates will be rather difficult, but that's a separate problem.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T10:35:33.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2002" CreationDate="2017-08-18T10:38:25.463" Score="16" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember to breathe.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Enjoy the feeling -- that's awesome.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember that you don't really know her yet.  Use the excitement you feel as motivation to get to know who she really is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As you enjoy the feeling and get to know her, don't lose sight of who you are and what is important to you. Don't just focus on seeking her approval.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best romances are built on feeling that the other person truly knows you and loves who you are. As you get to know her, you may realize that you don't like her as much as you thought or that you still do.  Both are good things to find out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2870" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-18T22:08:06.597" LastActivityDate="2018-02-18T22:08:06.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2047" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-18T10:42:38.670" Score="21" ViewCount="6434" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend X who I have had to block on all social media after they have proven themselves to be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;intense and demanding (A)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;trying to upset me (B)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;emotionally manipulative (C)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;having angry and aggressive overreactions to assumed slights (D) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;extremely confrontational (E)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;angrily blames other people when they are at fault (F)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a history of behaving this way towards others (G)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X noticed that I blocked them and confronted our mutual friend MF about it. Demanding to know what they had done to upset me because as far as they could see we were great friends. MF managed to evade the questions saying that we hadn't spoken in weeks. MF is due to move home again soon and I worry that X will continue to pressure them for information when they return - knowing that MF will see me as soon as they arrive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also worry that I will see X at events based on our mutual interests and they will confront me publicly in an aggressive and angry way [as before] as to why I blocked them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't know what to do when I will see them in public. How do I avoid confrontation? Or what is the best way to disengage from confrontation with an extremely confrontational person?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An extensive &lt;strong&gt;history&lt;/strong&gt; with evidence of A-G can be read here: &lt;a href=&quot;https://pastebin.com/5yrF7zfz&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://pastebin.com/5yrF7zfz&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key points are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Initially this was a primarily remote friendship which evolved from X being reverent to intense, demanding and controlling over the course of about a year.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We have had &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; in person interaction - X was obnoxious, negative, complaining, angrily overreacted to playful attempts to diffuse conflict, ruined the event we attended, overstayed their welcome in my home by 9 hours, easily the worst guest I've ever hosted, and was angry at me for being too frightened to ask them to leave.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;X is unreasonable and thinks that everyone else is being unreasonable [landlord]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;X regularly tries to upset me in conversations, ignores me when I say no, is relentless in trying to make me do what they want. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Has previously shouted at me in front of a room full of my friends so seems to not have a problem with public conflict.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;X has recently moved to my city and I could run into them at any time - I have had two close calls so far and in both contexts I was in disguise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A clarification: MF is the only friend we have in common but our mutual interests will draw us to the same locations as they are niche.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3559" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T15:29:04.113" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T15:29:04.113" Title="An extremely confrontational person knows I blocked them, how to avoid confrontation?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2048" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T11:15:39.753" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Adding to the other answers with a point which in my opinion is very important and still missing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By going through your private messages your SO does not only violates your privacy (which has already been covered) but also &lt;strong&gt;the other person's privacy&lt;/strong&gt;. Just because you may share anything with her does not mean everyone you message with does so as well. If a good friend of yours opens up to you with a secret he does not want anyone else to know, I'm pretty sure he does not expect this including your SO. And something once read is not easy to forget, even if she realises that a specific information is something she &lt;strong&gt;should not know&lt;/strong&gt; without you having breached her trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in my opinion, you are absolutely right in denying her access and this might or might not be an additional argument in your favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3411" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T11:15:39.753" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1964" CreationDate="2017-08-18T11:29:35.937" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read this as a situation where 'the strange new chick in town' seems to be endangering a longstanding friendship. You are in effect being asked to meet the family. Just be nice and appreciative. Ideally, you may find 2 more friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3489" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T11:42:09.240" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T11:42:09.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2047" CreationDate="2017-08-18T11:35:47.997" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;X is clearly being abusive, and I am not sure the way X tries to be near you could be considered stalking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Blocking this person from social media is a very good first step, and it's important you block X from your offline life as well. If X tries to approach you, you can tell X clearly you don't want any contact. Make sure you do this online or with other people around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, document X's behaviour, and if you told that person to stop, document this too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are also organisations to help victims of stalking, and  I am sure they can give you better advice on what to do to get rid of X while staying as safe as possible. If this is not considered stalking, maybe they can tell you where to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you also want to get a restraining order, but I don't know how quick you will get one in the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, when being in public try to avoid being alone, and if X approaches you, don't engage in any conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastEditorUserId="3112" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T20:37:57.033" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T20:37:57.033" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2002" CreationDate="2017-08-18T11:43:47.893" Score="1" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have many options. This keeps you excited but not too excited for 1 person. Meet many girls and talk to many girls at the same time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop 'saying something romantic'. Ask her out. Like a man. You want her to know that that you're romantically interested in her and you want her to know that you're man enough to be straight with her. If she's not interested, move on. (Having many options here helps)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't overthink. Just act.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have fun. Enjoy yourself and enjoy being with somebody you like.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember that you are not passing a test here. You're also trying to see if she passes your tests.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll say it again. Don't see being with her or talking with her as you being tested. Just have fun!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3538" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T11:43:47.893" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T11:47:21.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, I would think if these are healthy relationship and if a healthy relationship could be developed with this person. You could probably talk her out of going through your phone, but it is highly possible that she would still find a way to watch you. Anyway, you should talk to her about trust and privacy in relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are OK with the fact she's insecure about you and only issue is your phone, you could try to explain that your phone doesn't only contain your information (which is no secret, and you are totally OK to share), but might also contain work emails, which you are not supposed to show to outsiders, or your friends' secrets, which they shared to you, but wouldn't want anyone else to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for going through her phone, I think it's OK as an argument, or maybe even OK to pretend you're doing that, but I wouldn't really read her texts, IMs or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course, change your pin, or use a fingerprint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="155" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T11:47:21.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2047" CreationDate="2017-08-18T11:49:30.963" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what I can understand X seems to be kind of obsessed with you, what you should do is ask your friends if he is the same way with them atm. If he is the same way with them, then you should be able to find a solution to this together.&#xA;You also said that MF told you that X had a history of being this way, did you ask MF if they knew why X acted this way? &#xA;Knowing why X acts this way might help you deal with him better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, it seems that confrontation is inevitable, I believe that you should take the lead, avoiding the problem might just make it worse. What you should do is talk to your friends and tell them that you blocked X, and why you did it. This way when the confrontation happens they'll understand the situation, and will most likely help. In any case, you should make sure that the confrontation does not happen when you're alone, especially if you're afraid of him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the confrontation happens you should be clear to X that you can't be friend with them anymore, and that you would prefer to keep a &quot;distant&quot; relationship (since you seem to have the same circle of friends, completely cutting ties might not be possible). If they are reasonable being clear about your reason to end your friendship with them should be enough, but you should also set clears boundaries (like telling them that you don't want to see them in your home anymore, for example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, after you confront them, things do not change, or get worse, you might need to file a legal case against them (if really X starts to really scare you, it might be the best solution).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T11:54:15.677" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T11:54:15.677" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2047" CreationDate="2017-08-18T12:34:51.700" Score="11" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Intervention, Intervention, Intervention.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a group consensus that he's being borderline abusive and he's still more than happy to attend social gatherings, hold an intervention amongst your friends and let him know &lt;em&gt;the impact his actions/words have on others in the group&lt;/em&gt;. Then if he's confrontational, you can have the support of your peers. Make sure you have one person (the most confident, or someone who knows him best to do most of the talking and they'll chime you in to talk about how it's making you feel etc...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's isolated himself regardless with this behaviour, &lt;strong&gt;he needs to know what he's doing wrong and how it's impacting your life&lt;/strong&gt; otherwise he'll never learn and someone else will fall to the same fate as yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to emphasise that you should always remain calm and collected within an intervention and your peers, too. (even if he doesn't). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Points to get across&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't want to converse or talk to him at social gatherings&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't want him to message you on any form of medium&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You just want to go about your life without his personality getting in the way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You will go to the authorities if it persists.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Not what to do&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Play the blame game, don't point out all the mistakes he's making (i.e. with the landlord, it'll only divert attention away from his actions on you guys), literally just point out the impact he's having on you and your friends (and his friends to him).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if some of your friends want to be still be friends with him, you can't control that. But, at-least he'll know and know not to carry on, he'll know the impact his behaviour is having on your mental health and he'll also know his position regarding yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; Here's an &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.interventionsupport.com/intervention-steps/10-tips-for-intervention/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;article on how to host an intervention and tips&lt;/a&gt; on what you should do, it's for alcohol abuse but same rules can be applied dynamically. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T12:49:38.613" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T12:49:38.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-18T12:47:31.707" Score="0" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Salaries&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I see the issue about some companies forbidding talking about salary, this is not the case in mine. Some (few) people are known to talk about their salaries with close colleagues, and this is usually a non-issue. Yes, management will be influenced by it, but in my experience only insofar as the salaries of said people tend to stick rather close together, which can be positive or negative for the persons involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not see it as a problem that a colleague could go to his boss and say &quot;I want to earn as much as XXX&quot;. This is the same for me as &quot;either I get XXX, or I'll leave&quot;. Yes, it is a threat, and no, it will not generally (in my experience) have the result the colleague intended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Money&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned in some comment, the issue not even just about salaries in a company, but about money in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's see some interpersonal issues that could crop up with discussing money in any context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Envy and grudges are obvious things. If you learn that someone else has much more than you, and you are feeling that he should not (or that you should), and you are not inclined in a way &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Lebowski&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;His Dudeness&lt;/a&gt; would approve (indifferent to money), then you will likely feel unwholesome emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; indifferent about money, but someone around you boasts about their riches, you might think them an oaf.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you notice someone talking about money as if they had a lot, but they don't actually do (the scale might be different for different people), you might think less of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you learn that two persons who are &quot;worth&quot; the same earn wildly different amounts, you could feel bad about the injustice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do care about money and like to compare yourself openly with others, you can make a little game out of it - as long as you get more than your peers you'll be happy; if you get less you may get incentivized (think &quot;big players&quot;) to earn even more or, at some point, get depressed because you just cannot keep up - everyone has to be their own judge whether this incentivization is a wholesome thing or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have only witnessed very few cases where people talked about their money and it came over in a nice way. Some can pull it off (there are some interviews with Arnold Schwarzenegger where he talks frankly about prices of some of the things he owns), some not so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, TLDR: discussing money with people who don't care would just be hot air. Discussing money with people who do care usually would lead to bad feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Equalizing salary&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A point that shone through in other answers and comments was that employers do not want employees to talk about it, maybe so they cannot leverage some information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can see no way that talking about money would ever be positive for employees. What would be positive (possibly, depending on your personal views) would be to have a public, open list of salaries connected to &quot;jobs&quot; in a company - similarly to salaries in academic/public sectors in Germany. But then, people would probably not fight about the fixed salary, but about the other side of the coin - the amount of (perceived) effort put in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helps is if companies have job descriptions, job families, salary &quot;bands&quot; etc. and a transparent process of how salaries are arrived at. This does not mean that salaries need to be public. The decision of how much any one employee should get can depend on a lot of bits of information, not just the greed of the employer. For example, in my rather large company, the people distributing the salary do not profit in any fashion whatsoever from keeping back - they get a budget by &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; respective managers and then do their best to divide that as fair as possible, respecting the individual employees as well as the big picture. They do not have any benefit if there is &quot;leftover&quot;, instead, they try to press out as much budget as they can from their uppers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In smaller companies, where the single owner is more or less directly doing that, and where anything he does not pay out &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; directly end up in his pockets might be different, but then, in such a company, the issue is the boss himself (or his relationship with every single employer), and not the comparison about the different employees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T12:47:31.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1948" CreationDate="2017-08-18T12:47:39.510" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Because handshake establishes &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handshake#Modern_customs&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;we're equal&lt;/a&gt;&quot; relation (note how CEO shaking hands with a factory worker is seen as humble on the CEO side and elevation for the worker) and/or is seen as a manly gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's pretty much it. In work environment, it's less prominent, because the gender of a coworker doesn't matter much (or, at least, we believe it shouldn't matter), but in social interactions, gender is still &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girls%27_Night_Out&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;very&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Crack%20open%20a%20cold%20one%20with%20the%20boys&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;very&lt;/a&gt; important. Hence, people resist breaking this barrier with a handshake, as it would undermine the cornerstone of social rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BTW, the most recent way how man should greet a woman is a hand-kiss, but it went out of fashion while shaking hands did not. That's the source of awkwardness: everybody feels that handshake is incorrect, but we have nothing else to do. Hugging and kissing were substituted, but they feel too intimate and out of place as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why did hand-kiss go out of fashion? Because it &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hand-kissing#Gesture_of_fidelity&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;establishes submission&lt;/a&gt;, like in Godfather or when meeting the Pope. It begins as kissing the signet ring, a visible symbol of power and later extended as a general display of submission and servitude. It was used by men greeting women (although, only women of equal status or higher, no peer would hand-kiss a commoner!), but in this context, the submission was purely ceremonial. It had to change with emancipation, because now the conventional ceremoniality was lost, as the man and woman involved could be a part of one hierarchy and have an actual boss-subordinate relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastEditorUserId="3141" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T13:22:17.130" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T13:22:17.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2047" CreationDate="2017-08-18T13:13:56.303" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having seen this type of issue before, that I had to deal with and my SO, the general wording we used was along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My account on such-and-such site is open to a variety of people,&#xA;  friends, business contacts, etc.  Therefore I have to keep some level&#xA;  of control and monitor content as any postings there are associated&#xA;  with me even if I do not make them.  Though others may say things that&#xA;  I may or may not agree with, find funny, am entertained by and such,&#xA;  they may still be of a nature that I find it inappropriate to be&#xA;  associated with to some in the audience.  Though there are security&#xA;  settings, the fact is that nothing posted on the internet is private&#xA;  so I have to treat it that way and decide who can and who cannot post&#xA;  to my accounts.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it has cost us a couple friends who were too hot-headed to understand that their freedom of speech does not extend to using our world as their forum, but that became their choice on how to react.  Some people do not understand that your page is only their forum for rants, posting porn, personal attacks and outlandish claims if you choose to allow it.  I may have friends that I tolerate such behavior from in private and generally enjoy their company, may even visit their social media pages, but that does not mean they get to permanently graffiti my world and pages associated with me that way.  If that is beyond their understanding, then it becomes their choice to separate beyond the social media realm.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They need to understand, in fact we all sometimes need reminders, that the world changes and today many employers for instance ask for social media contacts of prospective and current employees, or research such contacts for themselves.  People get fired and in some cases prosecuted for postings in social media.  If something is posted to my page, even if I do not agree with it, to an outside observer my allowing it to stay can be viewed as consent or agreement.  I have gone so far myself to tell others that on the 3rd time I have to delete one of their posts, or if their posting links someone to contented I do not want my page linked to, I feel I must block them. Most take it fine, some do not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3578" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T13:18:30.343" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T13:18:30.343" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2060" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T13:31:27.817" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Privacy/Trust/Respect, these are all the key words here.  But, some people are insecure and do not think in the same lines.  You solution here needs to be mutual for your relationship to work.  I also would not tend to change PIN because that is a unilateral solution and one likely to lead to a dead end.  Your partner feels they are entitled to look, you feel they are not, and the two of you need to agree or you are living in different belief planes, which is a bad place for a relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I solution requires cooperation.  Here is a possible suggestion, a starting point for you to think about and if you like massage into something that works for you.  Offer, that they can look at you phone.  Now, or in the future, but only if they ask.  If they ask, you hand them the phone and let them look. But, they do so with the understanding that in your mind, they are asking because they think their is something to look for and therefore you know they do not trust you or they would not feel the need to look.  So they understand that by asking, you will hand them to phone to look, but when they find nothing now you will be the one who needs answers as to why they felt the need to look.  And if they do look without asking again, they will have broken their word not to do so, making another situation that must be dealt with.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not ideal, and it will likely take some back and forth.  All relationship issued do.  It is just an idea of a way to approach it though that allows your partner to also give their input, if they want and are able, as to why they find it important to look, and you to give your feelings of why you don't want it, but that you are willing to compromise.  They need to know that the compromise though is not without possible fallout.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3578" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T13:31:27.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2061" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2066" CreationDate="2017-08-18T14:26:25.863" Score="47" ViewCount="9411" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every time there's a baby involved in any sort of conversation (new parent, talking about kids, etc.), if I'm involved the question inevitably turns to me and my girlfriend, and when we plan to have children. We're not married yet and have talked with each other, and we don't plan to have children. We figure there are many other children we can spoil without the work that comes with raising a child of our own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I tell people &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't want to have children&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;there are always questions such as &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;why not?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You'll change your mind when you're older&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I say I don't like children (one of the reasons I don't want children, and my girlfriend has other reasons), I get the &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Wait until you have kids of your own&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and the whole cycle repeats itself. This always ends up with the parent thinking less of me or frustrated because I don't conform to how they think I as a young man should be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell people that my girlfriend and I don't want, and never will want children of our own without being rude?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is on the west coast of the United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; Even if we do end up changing our minds later down the line, we've decided to adopt, figuring that enough children are without good homes that we can help solve that particular issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T14:40:49.500" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T12:34:30.873" Title="How can I tell people that my girlfriend and I don't want children of our own?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="20" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2002" CreationDate="2017-08-18T14:41:17.740" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Created a sock account to comment on this, in case this offends some people. See my supporting links in the comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, most women in the western world find are attracted to emotional strength. They also expect men to not be emotionally expressive, simply because that's how most men are. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I've heard that this is even more prominent in Latin America. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been this way myself, and have lost the girl. &lt;strong&gt;It's good to be excited, but not good to be overly into someone.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm not saying you're behaving that way, just to be aware of your behavior. Google this, there's a lot of good articles on this topic written for men. I included a link to one in my comment below.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Above all, don't forget about your wants outside of the relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It goes without saying, don't treat women (or anyone) disrespectfully.&lt;/strong&gt; Kindness is attractive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Supporting links:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://floratheexplorer.com/sexism-machismo-and-the-latin-attitude-to-women/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://floratheexplorer.com/sexism-machismo-and-the-latin-attitude-to-women/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.lovepanky.com/men/how-to-tips-and-guide-for-men/how-to-stop-obsessing-over-a-girl&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.lovepanky.com/men/how-to-tips-and-guide-for-men/how-to-stop-obsessing-over-a-girl&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/is-kindness-physically-attractive/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/is-kindness-physically-attractive/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://pairedlife.com/dating/What-Makes-a-Man-Attractive-to-Women&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://pairedlife.com/dating/What-Makes-a-Man-Attractive-to-Women&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2014/07/03/most-men-would-rather-shock-themselves-than-be-alone-with-their-thoughts/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2014/07/03/most-men-would-rather-shock-themselves-than-be-alone-with-their-thoughts/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3590" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T14:47:52.783" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T14:47:52.783" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T14:50:49.203" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;These people are plainly rude. With an arrogance that only conforming to tradition can give you, they try to reshape you to the way they believe you should lead your life. They may not see it that way, though, and you should explain it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Society and tradition often put some people under the impression that they are allowed to push certain behaviours on others. That's true about making children, about their religion, about their political opinions, anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear, whoever they are, that whatever you will do in the future, you don't like being spoke to arrogantly as if they knew everything - spoiler, they don't - or being told what to do even though you didn't ask for guidance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason why people often try to push their opinions/behaviours to others is that a lot of people identify to their opinions and behaviours and by seeing that you don't share them, they feel threatened. They take you not complying to their way of thinking as a disagreement not with their opinions or behaviour &lt;strong&gt;but with them having done what they did&lt;/strong&gt;, that's why they move the conflict on your soil. They felt attacked first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to handle the matter more smoothly, you can try something along these lines :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that you chose to have children, that they are very important&#xA;to you and that you don't regret that decision, and I respect that.&#xA;It's your life and I wouldn't dare question your doings when it isn't&#xA;my business. The same way, me and [girlfriend] don't want and may&#xA;never want to have children and therefore have decided to not make&#xA;children. If you are actually our friend, we expect you to respect our&#xA;decision and to not demean it as if were not knowing what we do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there still some cake ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T15:14:06.483" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T14:55:09.530" Score="34" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell people that my girlfriend and I don't want, and never will want children of our own without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you need to? A large part of interpersonal skills is &lt;em&gt;compromise&lt;/em&gt;. Others don't understand your viewpoint that you don't want to have children; you don't understand their viewpoint that you probably will want your own children when you're older.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are completely justified in having your own opinion and wanting what you want (or, in this case, don't want). They are completely justified in expecting your views to change, &lt;em&gt;because most people's views do change, to some extent, as they get older&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, a solution that is a compromise between your opinion and theirs, which avoids having to be rude is responding with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've discussed it and neither of us are interested in having children. Who knows if that'll change as we get older, but none of our plans involve children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="430" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T14:55:09.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T15:02:58.637" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in the same situation, and I think there is a different way to approach the problem, first if you have a particular reasoning as to why you do not want children, then explain it to them. People are more inclined to accept your choice if you offer a &quot;solid&quot; reason for that choice (while you actually shouldn't have to explain your life choices to anyone).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is no particular reason behind it, apart from the fact that you don't want to be a parent (which should be reason enough), you could go with an argument like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to selfishly bring a child into a world like ours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's pretty hard to argue against that, and most people will likely leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to be able to focus on my career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on your job, this might be a perfect argument, most people know that some jobs are not really compatible with having a family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't feel ready to be a parent just yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will most likely work for most people because it's not a definitive statement, there's still the possibility of having a child one day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a person is really annoying about this, I usually tell them that my life choices are mine alone and that they should leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you need to be aware that, in western society having a child of your own is &quot;the norm&quot; (the inability to conceive was one of the arguments provided against gay marriage). When you don't want children of your own people will find it weird, no matter what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T18:15:58.377" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T18:15:58.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T15:03:27.113" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no real need to go into it in any detail (it's your business after all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We're not planning for children right now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then steer the conversation onto whatever plans you do have with your girlfriend, implying that having a child wouldn't be appropriate just yet.  It might help if those future plans involve building careers and/or stability - that's a decision that's more likely to be respected over &quot;We just wanna have fun&quot; (regardless of what the real reason is).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to give people the &quot;never&quot; spiel, just the fact that it's not in your immediate future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T15:08:51.953" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T15:08:51.953" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T15:04:08.563" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you've already discovered, a straight-forward response just doesn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To them, the idea of having children could just be such a core part of being human that someone never wanting to have children is just unfathomable - trying to explain it to them will just be a frustrating experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try &lt;strong&gt;responding with a relevant question&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will ideally do one of two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You'll get to find flaws in their argument instead of the other way around.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It might be really hard for them to actually explain their reasoning, because they might just assume everyone wants children and haven't really thought about justifying it. But, even if they have thought about it a lot, excessive questioning can still make replies difficult (see also anyone talking to a 5-year-old ever).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either of these could lead to them changing the subject due to being slightly uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I don't want to have children&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;Why not?&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;What do I need children for?&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;It's a really rewarding experience.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;What do you mean by that?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;You'll change your mind when you're older.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;What makes you think that?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another approach that could work is just &lt;strong&gt;changing the subject&lt;/strong&gt; - they might just be trying to keep the conversation going as opposed to being particularly curious about when you want to have children or why you don't want to. If this is the case, or even if it isn't, simply changing the subject could very well solve your problem, at least until the conversation circles back to having children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be best to end with a question to lead them into a response as opposed to letting them pick which part of your response they find most interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't want to have children right now. Work's a bit hectic. How your job going these days?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, or additionally, you can go on a really long tangent so they forget where the conversation started.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also try not taking the question too seriously and &lt;strong&gt;making a joke&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, we're planning to have a little one in about 5 to 10 ... thousand years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also opt for a wildly inappropriate joke (&amp;quot;have children&amp;quot; is ambiguous...), or you can come up with a somewhat absurd reason for not wanting children (chronic fear of small hands?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What might also work is to try to &lt;strong&gt;explaining it with a metaphor&lt;/strong&gt;, although coming up with a good metaphor might be really hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T13:12:22.620" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1841" CreationDate="2017-08-18T15:23:53.390" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;There is a lot of advice, and I can only give my version.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a friend who was accused of stealing videogames from us. We all were suspicious about him, and just like you, we did not ask him about it. We simply had no hard evidence, and we were afraid that if we are wrong, we lost him as a friend. Just like you, I trusted all the other friends, and I wasn't so sure about this guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only solution was to catch him red handed, but we didn't want to risk losing another videogame. Also around the 2000's, we did not have easy and cheap camera solutions like we have now. Eventually, the friendship ended, because we lost interest and trust in him. A few months later another friend - let's call him friend no. 2 - bailed on us, out of the blue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few years ago I received a picture from my best friend, showing friend 2 having a garage sale. Surprisingly he was selling literally every videogame we lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Turns out it wasn't friend 1, but friend 2 who stole our games.&lt;/strong&gt; When we evaluated this, it turned out that the rumour of friend 1 stealing, was spread by friend 2. He turned out to be the thief. So, no matter how much you trust someone, things can take a weird turn. We did not take any action, because it was too long ago and we did not want to open a can of arguments. We lost a friend because of early judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't understand why a collective amount of &lt;strong&gt;$600 !!!&lt;/strong&gt; was lent to your friend though, because at a certain point you had to stop lending money in order to have a chance to get it back. In this case, there's a little blame in every one of you. There is nothing wrong to have a stern chat with him about this, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you want to lose your friends (and eventually your lent money) then it would not be wise to confront him being a thief. He will just leave you guys. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just make sure, when he is around, that you will &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; leave him alone. If you can't, a camera might help because when you really want to confront him with this, make sure you have proof. (Also make a copy of the footage in case he steals the recording.) This proof also helps you for him not bailing on you, since you can make it clear that you are filing a report with the local police department, if he tries to run away. And to be honest, if you have evidence of your friend stealing, is he still your friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3198" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T14:27:11.737" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T14:27:11.737" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T15:26:17.800" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in the exactly same situation. We are constantly bombarded with the &quot;when?&quot; question and we say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we are not interested but If we decide to have children will adopt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time is answer is enough to make it known this is not a subject you are confortable with, but can rub people the wrong way (specially in Latin culture) and will launch them in an amateur armchair psychology session trying to get to the root of &quot;your&quot; problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it's rather hard avoiding to further the conversation with your parents since ANY answer you  give they will have a counter argument or any excuse will be met with a &quot;solution&quot; (Even offering to rise the children for you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to be assertive in your statements and have it made clear that if you change your mind you will make sure to let them know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sincerely we don't see any children in our future, regardless if we&#xA;  will be good or bad parents we are not in that place yet, and forcing it will just result in issues in our relationship and our offspring so we would appreciate if you respect our decision, so please don't bring out the subject we don't want to be rude, and if we happen to change our mind you will be the first to know&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be done as a couple or you talking privately 1 to 1 with said parent so it doesn't feel like a scolding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps at least little, good luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3163" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T15:26:17.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T16:04:07.610" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Deciding not to have children is a perfectly valid choice, and a choice that I really wish more people who didn't want them would make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found myself on both sides of this conversation. First not wanting kids, then raising step-children and thinking that everyone should have that experience, then opting not to have kids in future relationships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a tough decision to make and you shouldn't be pressured either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a settled matter in your relationship, and in your own head, there's nothing wrong with being honest with your close friends and family about that. I say &lt;em&gt;close&lt;/em&gt; friends and family, because people who aren't close really shouldn't feel entitled to have this conversation at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find that people press, it may be worth reminding them how rude that really is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some people can't have children, some people choose not to because there's a high risk of genetic disease, some people have tried and faced a series of devastating miscarriages, some people are deeply offended at the implication that their life would be a waste if they don't procreate... And the list goes on and on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not saying that you're claiming any of these reasons as your reason. It's explaining why pressuring people to &quot;have kids someday&quot; is an incredibly rude thing to do, and it will stop most people in their tracks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to things that are this personal, people should know better than to push. Simply remind them of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T16:19:46.973" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T16:19:46.973" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T17:06:57.217" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Relationships might be built on trust, but building walls and boundaries is not the way to build that trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely your girlfriend got cheated on in her past.  Have a conversation with her and figure out what the deal is.  If she is carrying around some baggage and trust doesn't come easily to her, then do what you can to support and help her, including not being bothered when she snoops on your phone.  She might just need that extra boost. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3606" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T17:06:57.217" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-18T17:30:40.920" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One point that I think is worth highlighting: contrary to some comments, a person's salary and net worth are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; necessarily transparently obvious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to salary, folks may have other resources that affect their spending power. One obvious possibility is family money or some other non-salary source of wealth. An even more likely possibility is credit. The &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2017/05/24/household-debt-hit-record-high-credit-card-spluge-adds/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Telegraph&lt;/em&gt; reported in May that household credit card debt is expected to hit an all-time high in 2017, and&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The average household had unsecured debts amounting to £13,200 at the end of 2016&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Importantly, that's an &lt;em&gt;average&lt;/em&gt; figure, so some households have far more and some far less or none. What that means is that a household's spending does not necessarily correlate with their disposable income.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, not everyone spends their cash or credit on the same things—some people will prioritize good food, others nice clothing, still others travel or charitable giving. In other words, just because someone drives a flash car doesn't mean that he makes a huge salary; it could just mean that he is privately living on ramen and/or credit—or that his rich grandparents left him a trust fund.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the flip side, many wealthy people live far more modestly than you might expect (the common quip is &quot;that's how they got to be wealthy&quot;). The media loves to report on these folks, like this &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.timesunion.com/local/article/Modest-woman-turned-out-to-be-the-millionaire-5692319.php&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;story from the &lt;em&gt;Times Union&lt;/em&gt; about a New York woman&lt;/a&gt; who&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;wore frumpy house dresses, drove a beat-up old Chevy Cavalier, lived modestly in a two-family house on Washington Avenue across from Albany High School and . . . left an estate worth more than $6 million.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And wealthy folks as diverse as &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.moneytalksnews.com/11-millionaires-and-billionaires-with-remarkably-thrifty-habits/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;investment guru Warren Buffett, the Queen of England, and Ikea mogul Ingvar Kamprad are highlighted in the press for their thrifty ways&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People on both sides of this coin might have reasons for wanting to maintain their financial illusions, and asking directly about their income is a direct threat to that privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T17:30:40.920" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1894" CreationDate="2017-08-18T17:32:49.693" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been asked this a lot and I was respectful in my answers (along the lines of other answers).It never helped and we eventually got married so these questions stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then we started to be asked at family reunions when we would have children. One day I had enough and responded loud enough for everyone to hear &quot;this is probably because of all the oral sex&quot;. Then I went on explaining what this means for procreation in the &quot;for dummies&quot; version until the aunt who was constantly asking the question flew away (which I made very difficult).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody ever asked the question anymore. I am not at all sorry for the ones who were offended, I would not like to speak with them anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me such questions are innapropriate, almost like bullying so a strong and bold answer is the way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T17:32:49.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T17:54:01.980" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As someone who works in information security and encryption&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this was not your work phone. While I'm sure you're smart enough not to send root passwords via SMS yourself, not everyone uses best practices, so you might occasionally &lt;strong&gt;receive&lt;/strong&gt; text messages which contain sensitive information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Customers will sometimes make you sign some sort of NDAs and some people liberally interpret &quot;confidential proprietary information&quot; as &quot;we gonna sue you if anything we say including comments on the weather gets out&quot;. So, if your girlfriend perused through your work phone, any NDAs you signed with your blood become a liability. Not only to you, but to her also. I don't know the exact law term, but since she looked at the PIN over your shoulder, she was not authorized (good for you, you don't get sued except for negligence). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if this was your work phone, your colleagues really don't need to know your girlfriend just had a bit of &quot;unauthorized access to confidential proprietary information&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'll assume it was your personal phone with photos of puppies and the like. Let's review the facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You caught her twice going through your phone. You don't know how many times she did it unnoticed. Maybe she does it every day, maybe never, who knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, she made the choice to look into your phone, so what kind of tradeoff does that decision imply?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She gains: potentially information (but there isn't any), soothing her anxiety (can be important), and also she tests your response to her invasion of your privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She loses: your trust, also you get annoyed, and this screws up the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She knew you would be hurt when you found out (because you told her) yet she did it anyway. This means she assigns more value to whatever benefits she gets by looking into your phone than she assigns to your feelings, or the status of the relationship. If this was not true, she would simply have thought &quot;If I look through his phone, he's gonna feel hurt, and I want him to be happy, so I'm not gonna do that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, on the other hand, assign more value to your privacy than to her being reassured by not finding anything in your phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I proposed two hypotheses, the first in which she has no actual jealousy and is just acting like a jerk, and the second hypothesis in which she sincerely worries. You can invent many others, until you find the right one...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But she did not say she was sorry for looking into your phone, instead she seems to behave like she thinks she has the right to do it and disregard your feelings, which is a major tell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In any case, I believed I was in the right condemning this behavior until recently, when a friend of mine told me his girlfriend did this all the time and he did not make much of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T23:03:07.613" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T23:03:07.613" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T18:27:07.770" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've faced this many times, and like other commentors pointed out already, there really isn't any good way that will work always, with everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, instead of all the dodging, you can simply stand your ground. Most people asking the question are not close enough that you'd tell them private, intimate details, so you can brush them off with a nicer version of &quot;none of your business&quot;. Something along the lines of &quot;We decided so after looking at the question from every angle. It would take too long to go into details.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people are just curious. While being childless is not the social stigma that it used to be, it is still not the norm. Anything out of the norm prompts curiosity. Keeping your reasons to yourself is perfectly valid, you just need to tell people in the proper balance between being friendly and being firm. And if they inquire more than your social relation to them justifies, to draw the line and tell them that they are intruding on your personal space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T18:27:07.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2047" CreationDate="2017-08-18T18:32:39.750" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;We are only seeing one side of the issue here but if your description of events is accurate and fair, avoidance seems to a good answer here.  There are two situations that could be the case for this persons mind: normal psychology or abnormal.  The answer I am giving here can apply for both but &lt;strong&gt;please&lt;/strong&gt;, if you start suspecting an abnormal psychology, you need to seek help.  In that situation, it's possible for things to become dangerous very quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I've learned about people that are unreasonable is that when they are hostile or abusive to someone and the target of that abuse doesn't respond in kind, they interpret the asymmetric response as confirmation that the abuse was deserved.  In other words, because you have not thrown a fit over this person's behavior, you are tacitly agreeing that the behavior is warranted.  Sometimes this is actually true as in domestic abuse situations.  The victim might rationalize the abuse by telling themselves that they deserve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a very unpleasant experience that lead me to this conclusion.  In a nutshell, I was physically and verbally assaulted by two people who were thought I had done something terrible which I did not do.  And by that, I mean there wasn't even a grain of truth to what they believed.  I am quite sure, however, that, for whatever reason, they truly believed it at the time.  I was much stronger than they were and probably I wasn't ever in danger but I was so shocked by what they were saying, I didn't really defend myself physically and instead kept asking them what they were talking about.  Which was met with &quot;you know what you did&quot; and more violence.  At one point, one of them said something to the effect of &quot;you must be guilty or you wouldn't be taking this from us&quot;.  Soon after that point I became very angry and they ran away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be unintuitive but your lack of strong response to these irrational behaviors may be seen as confirmation that they are rational.  I think you should attempt to avoid this person but if you are confronted, you should be ready to tell him/her in no uncertain terms that the reason you severed relations was due to their inappropriate behavior and that you want him/her to leave you alone.  Unless you think this person might be crazy.  Then you should probably scream for help, in all seriousness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1982" LastEditorDisplayName="user1982" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T20:18:37.837" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T20:18:37.837" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2085" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="301" CreationDate="2017-08-18T18:34:15.880" Score="18" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Pay it forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tell people to &quot;Pay it forward.&quot; That means next time they see someone in a jam, they can help that person instead of paying me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;http://onlineblog.bryantstratton.edu/what-does-it-mean-to-pay-it-forward/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;a blog&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the point of all this? Why do so many people live their lives according to the “pay it forward” principle? It has been proven that acts of kindness build exponentially in a community and because people believe that one good deed deserves another. “Paying it forward” can make the world a better place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people are just fine with this idea, even happy with the idea. Doing someone a kindness is often more satisfying than giving them money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T18:34:15.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1255" CreationDate="2017-08-18T18:59:56.447" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Encourage him to think about his long-term goals.  For example, he can think about his hopes for what his life might be like in ten years:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where does he want to be?  (Which country?  In the countryside?  In a city?  Near his family?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does he hope to be married?  To a woman from his culture?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does he hope to have children?  Who share his language and culture?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does he hope to achieve a certain professional status?  (Such as a doctorate, or becoming a lawyer, or a medical doctor?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does he hope to own a home, land, and/or a business?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then he should consider whether studying in the U.S. would help him achieve his goals, or whether it would make it harder for him to achieve his goals.  There might be very few eligible women from his culture nearby in the United States; this might either cause him to marry outside his culture, or limit his options, or force him to delay getting married.  Would an American degree be helpful for achieving the professional status he seeks, in the place he hopes to settle?  An American education can be very expensive -- would student loan debt restrict his options?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there other ways that he can achieve his goals?  Some topics are best studied in America, but others can be studied equally well (or even better) elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there ways that he can mitigate the disadvantages of being in America?  For example, he could ask his parents for some of their favorite recipes, so that he can cook them in America.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please understand that these topics are not meant to &quot;talk him out of&quot; the idea of studying in the United States.  Instead, they are about encouraging him to reach for his dreams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1714" LastEditorUserId="1714" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T19:09:38.050" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T19:09:38.050" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2087" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T19:14:48.063" Score="6" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Set clear boundaries, and stick to them&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need is the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.joanneketch.com/ParentingChoiceBoundaries.en.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Bean Dip Response&lt;/a&gt;. This is a boundary-setting technique described by a therapist named Joanne Ketch. Somewhat ironically, it was initially developed as a response to unwanted questions and advice about parenting and is now somewhat famous in some online parenting circles. However, it can easily be adapted for intrusive behavior about any life choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, this is a technique for setting personal boundaries when you don't want to engage with others about a personal decision that you have made, like whether or not to have children. Some highlights from the article (bolding mine; anything not in quotation formatting is my interpretation):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The best thing is to assert your boundary and not try to defend your choice&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how does that work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Deflect, deflect, deflect&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just state your decision and move on: When people ask &amp;quot;when are you going to have kids?&amp;quot; you say &amp;quot;That's not in our plans right now. Have you tried the bean dip?&amp;quot; (Of course, you can substitute &amp;quot;How about them Dodgers&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;Isn't this weather crazy?&amp;quot; or any other innocuous redirection.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask you &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you don't want children, you say &amp;quot;it doesn't fit in with my/our life plans. Let me get you some bean dip.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they say &amp;quot;You'll change your mind when you get older&amp;quot; you respond &amp;quot;This is working for us right now. You know, the bean dip is especially great with these artisanal crackers I found.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Are you sure you don't want to keep your options open?&amp;quot; Answer: &amp;quot;Yes, thanks! Have some bean dip!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Don't you like kids?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;More bean dip?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so forth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Be firm, be kind, be consistent&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, with some people . . . [t]he offer of bean dip will not be sufficient to redirect them. They are either &lt;strong&gt;not intuitive&lt;/strong&gt; to gentle redirection &lt;strong&gt;or they have emotion tied to the issue&lt;/strong&gt; and a desire to “go there” more deeply. . . . You may be able to anticipate persons for whom this is true: If it's a pattern of intrusion, for example, seen in other circumstances. In these cases, the redirect will need to be backed up with action (like hanging up, leaving the room or even the event, unfriending them).  Remember, &lt;strong&gt;boundaries are not about forcing another person to comply&lt;/strong&gt;. You cannot “do” that. &lt;strong&gt;Boundaries are about what YOU will do/not do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exactly what this response looks like will vary, depending on your relationship with the person. If it's mainly a social media friend, simply ignoring or blocking them may be the best option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your parents or hers, you will need to take a different approach (remember, the urge to grandparent can be as strong as the urge to procreate, but with less control over the outcome). This really needs to be handled by the respective children of the buttinskis (in other words, you talk to your parents, she to hers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may need to get really real with family members who won't let this go. Talk to them in person, if possible. Look them in the eye, and say something like &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;I know you love me, and want the best for me. I want us to have a good relationship. This is a decision I feel good about. When you keep bringing this up and criticizing my life choices, it makes me not want to spend time with you. I'm not going to discuss it with you anymore, so let's focus on the good things that are already in our lives.&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, you will need to be really strong about actually disengaging if they do bring it up again: &amp;quot;Mom, we've talked about this; you know how I feel. I've gotta go now. Love you, bye.&amp;quot; Do it &lt;em&gt;kindly&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;consistently&lt;/em&gt; and eventually the message will sink in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Don't explain if you don't want to engage&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A key element of this technique:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;[D]on't confuse setting boundaries with trying to convince someone of the rightness of your choices&lt;/strong&gt;. . . . Don't defend your choices beyond generalities, and then only once or twice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, an important corollary to the “Bean Dip Response” is reciprocity. . . . [I]f you post [your opinions about the subject] on Facebook (or communicate them in other ways), you invite (and therefore solicit) feedback and advice. You need to give the “other side” the appropriate respect in the same manner you’d like the respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is to say, don't ever tell parents that you &amp;quot;don't like kids&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;dislike most kids&amp;quot;! They will likely feel this as a personal attack on &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; choice to have children or, worse, on their &lt;em&gt;kids&lt;/em&gt;. People with grown children, those who hope to have children in the future or who wanted to have them and couldn't, and even those who are very attached to other people's children might have a similar defensive reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, if you try to explain your decision on a rational basis your interlocutor may take that as encouragement that they can change your mind if only they come up with a good enough argument. If you present the decision as a personal choice, full stop, you don't give them anything to hang their argument on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you must explain, aim for vague, neutral language (and immediately follow up with some redirection, so they can't try further to nail you down): something like &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;It's just not a priority for me. Bean dip?&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that this is much harder than it sounds. I have employed this technique in various situations, and there is always a temptation to defend your choice or try a humorous/sarcastic comeback. It takes practice to be able to stay consistent with simply stating your decision, sans justifications, and then changing the subject. It's a good idea to practice some neutral responses and plan some ideas for what you're going to put in place of the bean dip, especially when you know you're going to be in a situation where the subject might come up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T21:01:43.610" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2088" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="301" CreationDate="2017-08-18T19:16:42.943" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to do something for you as a thank you, and you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; don't want to accept the money, there are a few options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you happen to know they are very good at something you &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; like, say cooking, you can suggest that you want no money but would love to be invited to dinner next time they make (insert whatever food name here).  That way you not only give them a way to thank you that is tangible (feed you) but also pay them a compliment in the same process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a charity or something you really believe in, you can recommend they can make a donation to that in your honor.  I love this on in particular.  I don't know if anyone follows through on it, but I do know that it also gets the name out of a charity I really like and I hope that they at least look it up &amp;amp; see what it is all about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I noticed you mentioned your dad.  I expect my kids to do a certain amount of &quot;community service&quot; as perhaps this is what is going on.  If so, talk to your dad &amp;amp; negotiate a way to handle this situation.  Explain to him that some people are insistent &amp;amp; it feels awkward to refuse at those times.  You can then perhaps suggest to your dad that at those times, you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; relent, thank them for the monetary thank you, and tell them how you are raising money for this or that charity &amp;amp; you would love to add this to it.  Then you are doing two good deeds at once, helping the person out who gave you money and then using that money to help more people.  This is an arrangement my kids and I have worked out.  So they know to say &quot;No thank you, I just wanted to help you out.  Money isn't necessary&quot;, one time.  If after that the person insists, they can say &quot;Well I will take that to put toward the money I am raising for X charity.  Thank you.  This will help me meet my donation goals.&quot;  I also have no issue with my children earning some extra money doing things for others.  I think that is fine as well, but some of what they do, I want to be as service.  I think it's important to learn to be giving and to build community and to take care of our elderly.  I prefer they not take any money for doing manual help for those who are physically &lt;em&gt;not able&lt;/em&gt; to do that work themselves.  If they remove snow for a neighbor that is simply too busy or prefers not to be cold, then pay is okay.  If they remove it for my 85 year old neighbor, I do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; want money involved.  It is neither likely safe nor feasible for someone that age to remove it alone and I feel it is our obligation to look out for our neighbors who actually &lt;em&gt;require&lt;/em&gt; the help.  That is how &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; handle it as a parent. So again, you could talk to your dad ans see where his thinking is on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T19:16:42.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1964" CreationDate="2017-08-18T19:24:30.483" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's the possibility that your boyfriend wants to &quot;show off&quot; by taking care of your &quot;portion&quot; of bringing something to the gathering.  It may be that he wants to &quot;prove&quot; to his friends that he's taking care of you, similar to how a married couple shows up with a single bottle of wine, instead of one from each of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That depends on how your relationship is going, as well as how he told you &quot;just bring yourself!&quot;  There's a lot of different ways that could have been said, and really only you can decipher that by your experience with your boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you said &quot;he insists&quot;, I would suggest following his advice.  I would also suggest offering you help (as others suggest), but not to the point of being annoying.  You can &quot;make it up to them&quot; if you find out later they really did want you to bring something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BTW, you might get into trouble if you don't follow his advice, because &quot;you never listen to me.&quot;  Just saying...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's even another possibility: they want to make a really good impression on you in providing for your meal without you having to do anything.  This is some people's way of bragging about themselves.  It's also just as likely that they just want to share their good times without requiring anything of their guests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You won't know until the night is over, so my final suggestion is: just enjoy the night and don't over think things!  :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3616" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T19:24:30.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2091" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T19:55:11.350" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a cousin in the Western U.S. with this exact issue. They have a lot of reasons for the decision. Ultimately, it is simply hard for people to understand why what is generally considered a biological imperative is being rejected. Our culture insists that it is normal to have kids, normal to want kids, and normal to change your mind if you don't want them at a younger age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice to you is basically that you are responding appropriately to your feelings and desires. If it changes over time, so be it, but you have even allowed yourself a solution for that in adopting a child that truly needs a home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your solution for changing your mind is actually a very mature thought process, and one that most people don't even recognize as such. Ensure that you simply make your opinion on having children/possibly adopting in the future known. That's all you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3622" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T19:55:11.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2092" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2093" CreationDate="2017-08-18T20:04:07.587" Score="5" ViewCount="1790" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a couple of friends/co-workers that I really respect and like to spend time with or talk to. We have good conversations and have similar interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I feel like if I ever talk to them about family issues I'm having, they jump to conclusions or are overly judgmental about how I'm trying to handle things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach these individuals about this without risking losing them as friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Names used are not real.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were to talk to one of these friends, Alice, about something my boyfriend or my brother, both of whom live with me, are doing, she will either tell me that I'm handling it wrong no matter how I clarify, or assert that I should do &amp;quot;x&amp;quot;, regardless of how I point out that &amp;quot;x&amp;quot; is either overkill or would cause more problems. The other friend will also do these.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example is if I mention something is bothering me, the other friend Mary insists that the cause is &amp;quot;y&amp;quot; and I won't fix the problem unless I deal with &amp;quot;y&amp;quot;. (Such as headphones causing my chronic migraines. I've had these migraines longer than I've used headphones, and I don't use headphones nearly as much as she thinks I do.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It feels like I'm being judged or lectured when I just need someone not so invested in the situation to talk to me rationally and listen to what I'm going through.&lt;/strong&gt; Sometimes, if these are the only such people I have to talk to and I really need to talk to someone. I feel like I'd be better off paying for a counselor than talking to my friends about my problems. I sometimes get the impression that these friends, one is in her 30s or 40s and the other is in her 40s or 50s, are treating me like a child. I'm 24, so there is a significant age gap here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could well be overreacting, but I'm not the only one who noticed. Some of my other friends, Carrie and Joe, have noticed the same things about these two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to let these friends know that I appreciate their views, because I do and I do consider them, but they seem to be very judgmental and pushy. I don't know if it's because I'm so much younger than they are, so they think I don't know what I'm talking about, or if they just really feel that they can't be wrong. Frequently pushing their views on a subject under discussion makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I can't talk to them about serious issues in my life without being lectured about what they think I should or shouldn't do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice seems to have noticed I've been avoiding talking to her about these things and has mentioned it to Carrie. Neither of us knows how to tactfully explain that her reactions are what's got me talking to the others&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user2191" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T03:44:33.080" Title="How can I talk to a friend about their seemingly judgmental comments or pushy (to me) behavior when I talk to them about family problems?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2093" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2092" CreationDate="2017-08-18T20:35:17.217" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, okay seeing as we're both in the exact same position (except it's a close friend of mine, not a sibling and it's three kittens instead of a couple of puppies) at the same age. I feel obligated to offer my two cents on this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is stressful, it can feel a tad isolating sometimes being the one who's helping but without much reciprocation in regards to getting any help back (in this case advice). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you might need to note is that you're opening yourself up to these friends of yours and making yourself emotionally vulnerable, this can invite an array of different kinds of comments and people tend (maybe with realising it or without) to look down on it. It's because they're not going through (and by their age, haven't gone through the same thing for a long time) or maybe going through something of their own. I don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Add some positives&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice to you would be to not only tell them the negatives (which would give them a negative outlook on the situation) but to also notify them of small victories you're having. (I do this with myself with trying to quit smoking, the small victories follow onto the overall goal) and if they let them know the small victories, they'll see both sides of the coin. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't change one's reaction to a situation, but you can change one's perception of it. Add some positive input into the conversations (may they be small) and it'll change the way they view said person or said conversations. I wouldn't totally neglect any conversation altogether because that might stem onto bigger things in your friendship (as you like being around them). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Something to remember&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're going to these friends for advice, you're voluntarily accepting their personalities and viewpoint on a particular scenario. You aren't always going to like what you hear, it's natural. Simply acknowledge and appreciate what they've said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for having this chat with me, I'll take it onboard and have a think about it when I get home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're more than entitled to hear them out (saves the questioning your mutual friends about it) and move on, ask your other friends who do lend an ear, and think on all different viewpoints you have and act based on your own rationale with the information you're armed with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The bottom line&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't take it too personally, it's natural when there's an age gap for someone to &quot;lecture you&quot;, it's a very old school way of thinking that the older you are, the wiser you are. Just try and change both their perception of you and perception of your conversations, the way they react to it regardless is out of your control. You never know, someday their knowledge may help you moreover your other friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T21:00:53.450" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T21:00:53.450" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-18T20:44:19.273" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not on Facebook either, unlike the vast majority of the people I know, so I get both the questions and the assumption that of course I've seen stuff on a regular basis.  What I say when this comes up is usually something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, I know lots of people are there, but I just can't manage yet another thing trying to become the center of my online world.  I do post on my blog and of course I'm happy to talk via email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the subset who would resonate with it, I give a more focused answer like &quot;I'm not comfortable with their privacy&quot; or &quot;keeping up with the terms-of-service changes was too hard&quot; or &quot;I'd rather not have them filtering my feed&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is to &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; concisely convey that you know and it's not likely to change, &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; offer alternatives for staying connected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works pretty well for me.  Recently it even prompted a social group that has been ignoring an email mailing list in favor of another venue to set up a feed of new posts to email, to reduce fragmentation.  You can't win the platform fight (Facebook vs Twitter vs Tumblr vs whatever vs email...), but sometimes you can get the same content to show up in more than one place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T20:44:19.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2095" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2092" CreationDate="2017-08-18T20:46:17.267" Score="5" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Here's what I gather:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You expect your friends Alice and Mary to lend you their ears when you need someone to talk to about (mostly negative) whatever is troubling you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They instead are quick to judge you or jump to conclusions instead of actually helping you sort things out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your other mutual friends Joe and Carrie agree with your assessment about Alice and Mary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Here's one way I can relate to it:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to share a room with a friend for about two to three months while looking for a job myself. The job market is tough here. So when I return to the room and try to talk about what's happening, he used to quickly jump to the &amp;quot;do this, not that, you fool&amp;quot; mode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Here's what I made of it:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially, I was upset, because I was in a new city and all I had to talk to was just this friend, and his responses weren't really helping. There was even a meltdown from his side one day. That was when I actually understood what was going on for him. He was having the worst time at his job, and I wasn't clearly there to listen to him, but I wasn't aware of this. His built up frustration is what led to his terse and judgemental responses towards me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on such experiences,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Here's what I could suggest you do:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe these friends Alice and Mary have their own things to sort out, and your discussions with them aren't any use to you or them. Perhaps you should help them with their matters or find someone else you can talk to about yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in the meantime, have other sorts of (mostly positive) conversations with them so as to not let them feel ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T20:51:27.047" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2096" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T21:16:33.123" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My spouse and I didn't have birth children of our own for 14 years, so, believe me, I am familiar with this question.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I simply would say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't know&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;we aren't sure&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and found that the most useful.  It gives very little for anyone to debate.  As we got older, people might say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well you better figure it out, you are running out of time&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;, I'd say something back like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well I am not exactly one foot in the grave, yet, but thanks for&#xA;  making me sound ancient&quot; and laugh it off.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then allow parents to gush. That is mostly what they are doing.  Parents &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; love their kids, generally.  If a parent really loves being a parent, rather than allowing that to feel like pressure, reframe it to acknowledge &amp;amp; appreciate that the children in the discussion are well loved, which is a great thing and the world could use more of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also likely stop the focus being on your reproduction by simply then turning the conversation to the &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; person, who is nearly always a parent, and simply tell them what a great parent you think they are (if you think they are a good parent) or by how evident it is to you how much they love their kids. This almost always will then move the convo away from your semen &amp;amp; onto how much they do love their own. I don't think &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; people mean to make this awkward, but they do for sure. I personally think ANY asking of someone you aren't incredibly close with about reproduction is terribly inappropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are unlikely to stop asking such questions, even if they really are none of their business. I wish I could tell you something that stops the asking, but I don't know that such a reply exists. I also know that currently, people feel free to share opinions. It's not just about not having any kids. If you have one, people ask if you are having more. If you have 2 they often still ask. If you have 3 they start asking if you are done. I am not sure why people are so invested in your parental status &amp;amp; child count, but they seem to be, or maybe many find it simply to be a topic of conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not just this either. People ask all sorts of invasive questions acting like it's not invasive. We bedshared with our kids, by choice.  People would ask if our child was still in our bed, pretty regularly and then feel free to say things like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well that must be a real mood killer&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;. I like verbal tit for tat so I'd reply with, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Really?  You think so?  Are you two only having sex in bed these&#xA;  days? How long has the rut been going on?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and a wink. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T18:23:02.080" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T18:23:02.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T21:22:30.853" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Neither!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the other posts raise good points, but I find them to focused on the &quot;right/wrong&quot; or a &quot;single solutions&quot;, so I'll try a different approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Am I in the right or in the wrong?&#xA;  Did I overreact? &#xA;  Does a partner have the 'right' to do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither! It's not that simple and it's not possible to give an absolute answer to those questions. But if I interpret your request correctly the absolute answer is clearly what you want. Unfortunately, the answer depends on what you personally want in a relationship and what the both of you agree on. So your questions themselves are, in a way, &quot;wrong&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you want to ask for a solution to this problem after I didn't give you a straight answer, I would suggest the following: You found a point where you two clearly disagree on the right to read through the phone messages of the other person without explicit permission. There might be exceptions for you but clearly, this is not s.th. you consider an exception. Even my answer doesn't satisfy your original question, there are still options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a) you continue this way and argue if you catch her&#xA;(e.g. tell her that you don't like it and what the consequences will be if you catch her doing it again)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b) you respect her need to look through your phone and let her do it&#xA;(e.g. don't use your phone to store secrets)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;c) she respects your need to have your privacy&#xA;(e.g. ask her why she must look through your phone and try to accommodate her differently)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;d) you differentiate a little be more a find a compromise&#xA;(e.g. you agree on letting her read your phone messages only when you are present)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;e) you end the relationship&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Surely there are more options I haven't thought of. So as I stated earlier, it's all relative. You decide what you're relations ship should be, not the other way around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even with this out of the way you will run into the same problem the next time you have different implicit expectations. So get to know one another. See where you are on the same page concerning your &quot;rights&quot; and &quot;responsibilities&quot; in a relationship in regards to when you are not in a relationship. And don't look for an &quot;absolute answer&quot;. Even if you find it, if your girlfriend doesn't agree, what doesn't matter?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3632" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-18T21:33:01.613" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T21:33:01.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-18T22:16:53.140" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The &quot;nothing to hide&quot; argument is flawed. Are you going to show her your bank statements next? Privacy is privacy, she shouldn't be snooping; &lt;strong&gt;there are other women you could be with.&lt;/strong&gt; Relationships are built on trust, snooping through your phone isn't trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3636" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T22:16:53.140" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2047" CreationDate="2017-08-18T22:18:44.333" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Please don't be disillusioned: this is about control. From what I see you've been placed (intentionally, don't ever doubt that) in a difficult position by them. They have asserted some control over you and are trying to maintain that control. Belittling you in front of others is &lt;em&gt;intended&lt;/em&gt; to make you stop talking back. Blowing up on you is &lt;em&gt;intended&lt;/em&gt; to make you stop fighting. Your history looks an awful lot like how many abusive relationships start. &quot;now you're making me look like an asshole&quot;: Their being an asshole is what made them look like an asshole, not you calling the kettle black. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, if at anytime you fear for your safety, please don't hesitate to escalate the issue to the proper authorities. I would not expect you to be able to get out of this without some conflict, but the intention here is to minimize the conflict and clearly communicate your intentions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Preferably pick a location where you physical safety is assured (a public location, preferably with people you know and they do not), plan a way to excuse yourself and make your confrontation (they more control you have over the situation, the less you leave to them): &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm done. I do not want to continue our interactions and I would appreciate it if you respected that.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(very likely some angry version of why) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I've made my decision, please leave me alone.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it. Any explanation offers a thread to an argument, which is the goal to: assert dominance. They will very likely try to engage you in an argument. Try your best not to fall for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From that point on, variations on &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not going to talk to you, please leave me be&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and disengaging will quickly make it obvious they no longer have any control. Temper tantrums are only effective if people engage. Try your best not to. They will intentionally try to draw you into an argument, because you're pretty clearly uncomfortable and they can assert control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can step up the tone if necessary, but stepping up the tone does step up the conflict, so do so only intentionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3633" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T22:18:44.333" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1696" CreationDate="2017-08-18T23:07:02.560" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One quick addition I'd make with respect to looking down. I agree it can convey weakness, especially when you're the speaker. However, if you are a student listening to your professor, you may wish to take notes on the answer they are giving you. This is prudent in and of itself, it conveys to the professor you value the answer he or she is giving you, and, finally, it will allow you to take your eyes away from the direct eye contact and its adverse effects you are feeling for much longer (if you need it) than simply glancing away periodically.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3640" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T23:07:02.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-18T23:21:22.430" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I tell people &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't want to have children&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's your problem.  Don't tell them that, problem solved.  Why volunteer that? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose you might have said that in response to something they specifically asked you.  In that case, answer it a different way that doesn't involve your explaining anything at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's another possibility:  Let them think whatever they want and don't waste any mental stress on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3641" LastActivityDate="2017-08-18T23:21:22.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2105" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-19T01:02:45.147" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;While there are valid points in the other answers, I have a different POV. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I've found quite often that as soon as people learn what I earn (or more to the point since I never share that information - how I live and that I'm able to pay for it without a traditional job), they frequently try to latch onto me to &quot;teach them how to do it&quot; - as if it were that simple.  I actually tried a few times but it never went well.  Since then when this has happened, no amount of explaining how many years of struggle it took for me to develop the knowledge and skills I now have, and no amount of explaining just how much actual risk there is around my income model(s), will deter them.  All they see is that I live a certain lifestyle, in a certain place, without having to &quot;work&quot; (as they understand work to be), and they deserve that too.  Entitlement seems to play a big role here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has really never ended well.  At best, it's made things uncomfortable when I try to politely tell them that not only will I not &quot;teach them how to do it&quot;, I couldn't if I wanted to because it's not a single teachable thing (they have not generally believed me on this point).  And at worst, it has resulted in pretty much the termination of certain relationships because they just can't let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly this has a fair amount to do with why my partner and I are happy to have &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; close to zero friends (the actual definition of friends, not the modern social-media-age warped definition of friends).  Colleagues, associates, and acquaintances aplenty... yes.  But friends?  They have kinda proven to be mostly incompatible with our lifestyle largely because we have moved outside the norm of incomes and lifestyles that they enjoy.  People are strange and often get envious, jealous, and bitter.  We are genuinely much happier with fewer of them in our close circle!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3271" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T01:02:45.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2047" CreationDate="2017-08-19T01:27:54.877" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I treat friendship breakups like romantic ones for exactly this reason.  I can't handle the tension of waiting for the the time I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to speak to them, etc, so I prefer to just address it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is a reason, I do list it.  I will tell them that I think we had good times in the past (if we did) but that we have had many changes to our lives and at this point it doesn't seem to me to be working out to maintain the friendship.  I thank them for the times we shared and wish them no ill will, and prefer if we no longer stay in contact.  I may even end it with something about hoping we will still be able to bump into one another and say hello. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find doing so diffuses the anger, often they may even agree that we have overstayed the usefulness of this level of interaction and all is well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will get angry ones too who might say they do not understand why you would cut them out of your life, etc.  You can say that you aren't cutting them out.  You are merely moving on because the two of you do not seem to really get along quite the way you once did and you should bother be free to invest your time and energy into more fulfilling pursuits and meeting new friends who may better suit your life and where you are &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt; within it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realistically, this is life.  You will not maintain your friends from your your youth all the way through.  You may with a few, but most &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to be replaced.  They need to be because you will follow different paths.  Some have kids early, some later, some very late, and some not at all.  Even in that alone, you will find that you gravitate toward people at a similar place in their lives through mutual understanding. I am an older mom.  I have found in recent years I have made much younger friends as most of my old friends have fully grown kids and some are grandparents (not kidding).  So I still &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; them, but they are not at all wanting to go to the children's museum with me or hang out in the sandpit.  They might if they have a grandbaby that day.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, as for the extreme of this person's drama and intensity, well that makes breaking up harder, just like it would romantically.  I would still do it, personally.  In such case the anxiety if even more intense.  I had a friend a long time back that would occasionally &quot;go off on me&quot; I called it. She would scream and yell about the strangest things where she perceived she was being slighted.  I also broke up with her formally.  I was sad too because when things were okay, she was a lot of fun.  I just straight out told her that I was so uncomfortable with the liberties she took when angry that I would prefer us not remain close.  I told her that there were a lot of things i did like about her and that I hoped she could be civil with me when we saw one another (inevitable in this particular case) but that I no longer wished to have any contact with her outside of running into her socially.  She was awkward about it for maybe a year, but mostly just avoiding me.  Eventually all was fine.  She then moved away, and came back about 5 years later and tried to rekindle a friendship.  I was open to it to the extent I wanted to see if she had changed.  She really had too much of her subtler bad attributes for me to believe it was different so at the end our get together I closed with telling her how happy I was to see her doing so well and that I hoped she continued doing well and look forward to maybe getting together like this once a year or so, so we can do a catch up.  I never heard from her again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T01:27:54.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2092" CreationDate="2017-08-19T05:09:15.577" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just A Thought&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you are telling your troubles to your two friends, are you just wanting someone to be a soundboard, or are you actually looking for their honest advice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to have this problem with my husband,  who when I simply wanted someone to hear my rant about whatever was bothering me,  and to say something sympathetic back, like, &amp;quot;yeah, that does really suck&amp;quot;, he would attempt to tell me where he thought I went off the rails and how I should proceed to repair the damage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He assumed I was looking for him to fix every problem I brought to him, instead of just needing a friendly shoulder to lean on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is your situation, then I would attempt to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain how much you appreciate their friendship,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let them know you're having a bad day/situation, and just need someone to hear you out,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;And that you don't expect or want them to solve the problem for you, just stand with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3529" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T05:09:15.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1819" CreationDate="2017-08-19T06:51:50.167" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Writing my comment as an answer on OP's request. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1825/345&quot;&gt;Answer&lt;/a&gt; given by anongoodnurse is completely on the right track&lt;/strong&gt;. Her last line reads &quot;I hope someone more familiar with your culture can offer a better answer.&quot;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this may not be a better answer, I am a person more familiar with the Indian culture. I am from India, and I have some such &quot;siblings&quot; of my own. I don't use such a term though. It's just some friends who are girls who have more freedom around me than other girls. And I treat them like sisters, and I have no other sort of attraction towards them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per the centuries-old Indian traditions, once a woman is married, she is supposed to dedicate her time and attention more to her own husband and husband's family than to her friends or her own family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have heard of stories of family disputes occurring because of husbands doubting their wives' faithfulness when such &quot;siblings&quot; show up years later. While a husband himself may have had such &quot;siblings&quot; of his own, he wouldn't want his wife's showing up after marriage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such &quot;siblings&quot; are not acceptable after marriage, whether it be siblings of husband or of the wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be relatively fine though if the &quot;sibling&quot; brings along with him his own wife once he's married, or if the &quot;sibling&quot; contacts the husband first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have reduced my contacts with my such &quot;siblings&quot;. It usually starts from their side. The girl starts avoiding the boys in her life. And then the boys either respect that and maintain an &quot;unspoken friendship&quot; (I don't know the right word) or they feel upset about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To those who feel upset about missing that &quot;sibling&quot; so much, I have to say this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't be a potential cause for family disputes. If you like and respect your &quot;sibling&quot;, please respect her need to stay away from her previous life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T07:30:41.257" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T07:30:41.257" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2017-08-19T07:03:46.727" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I haven't been asked very often, but for sure have been asked.  Sometimes I answer if I think there is a legitimate reason they are asking.  If I do not wish to answer I have several variations that are likely similar to one another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I make enough to get by, but not enough to brag about it&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it conveys that I am not going to say more, but that I am doing okay. I have been asked at times where things weren't good &amp;amp; I'd say that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Not enough, but I am looking at other options now because I am not&#xA;  keeping on like this.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also had a job that paid great but totally sucked up my life, so at that point, I did get asked often (I think people inferred the pay was amazing).  At the time I would often say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh the money is great as long as you don't mind handing over every&#xA;  waking moment and all your personal life.  I can get you in, it only&#xA;  costs you a soul or two&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T16:05:08.520" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T16:05:08.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2115" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2117" CreationDate="2017-08-19T08:49:45.490" Score="98" ViewCount="17795" Body="&lt;p&gt;My best friend (let's call him Bob for potential answerers) whom I have been friends with since childhood (around 15 years) has become increasingly xenophobic recently. He's a great person and genuinely means no harm (also leans slightly to the left politically on other matters). But, he seems to be going to the corners of social media where anti-Muslim propaganda is rife (such as the Daily Mail / The Sun / Britain First) and &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;facts are skewed&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. I've tried telling him to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ignore the nonsense that comes from those pages, Muslims in the UK do more good than harm. [provides articles to read]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, he'll still share and talk quite hateful things towards them. I know deep down it isn't because he genuinely has a hatred for Muslims, it's because he's believing the lies that he's reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How am I able to approach this without losing a friend? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: I would like the answers to steer away from the mention of Muslims generally but more towards how I can approach my friend in this particular scenario. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;: When writing this by the approach I wanted him to see that not only the material he is reading isn't credible on this particular topic, but for him to know that his views in this regard are controversial in our own discourse. But, I've now learned this requires love and patience from my end including that recommended in the accepted answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;besides being patient, sharing your experiences, setting a good example, and hoping that Bob eventually has an experience that changes him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T23:44:35.017" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T02:04:40.927" Title="My best friend has become increasingly xenophobic towards Muslims. What do I do?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2116" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2115" CreationDate="2017-08-19T10:18:29.197" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whenever somebody close to me makes a discriminatory comment about any particular group, I tend to ask them why they think so. Once they commit to some apparently factual statement &lt;em&gt;which I know to be not true&lt;/em&gt;,  I try to show them that is either propaganda or traditional misconception. If needed I will explain the political or social agenda behind spreading such ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also point out how religious or cultural differences might account for it. Finally, I would ask them how it affects them personally: even if what they say is actually true I would try to make them understand how it is not a reason for them to feel hostile towards that particular community, and they often realise they have no reason at all to feel anything against that community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can take time to convince and &lt;strong&gt;you cannot use this method with a committed bigot,&lt;/strong&gt; but if your friend is a reasonable person as you suggest he will surely eventually understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T21:46:40.927" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T21:46:40.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2115" CreationDate="2017-08-19T10:35:04.520" Score="131" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But, he'll still share and talk quite hateful things towards them. I&#xA;  know deep down it isn't because he genuinely has a hatred for Muslims,&#xA;  it's because he's believing the lies that he's reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is no different from saying that ISIS members don't have a &quot;genuine hatred&quot; for the West, they just believe the lies they hear from other extremists. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NO reasonable person can believe the sort of lies that justify fear and hatred towards a large and incredibly diverse group of people, most of whom are kind and peaceful. I think it is more accurate to say that the emotions of fear and hate draw people to the sorts of lies that justify the fear and hate that they already have in their heart. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do people have that fear and hate in the first place? It comes from a very primitive place in the human psyche: an in-group vs. out-group instinct that says &quot;people like me are good, people who are not like me are bad&quot;. From an evolutionary perspective, it is easy to see how this mentality is adaptive in a context where people live in small social units that must compete against other units for resources and survival. The more people feel that the survival of their group is somehow threatened, the stronger these tribal instincts become. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, people &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; change and recover from hate, but the only way to do this is by appealing to the same in-group vs. out-group instinct that leads to hate in the first place. The key is for that person to feel as if members of the &quot;out-group&quot; are now in their &quot;in-group&quot;, which shatters the divide that they previously held in their mind. You mentioned in the comments that you and Bob don't have Muslim friends in your circle, which is not surprising at all. If Bob was actually friends with Muslims, and felt that some Muslims are in his in-group because they share many of his interests, values, humor, etc., it would become impossible for him to hate &quot;Muslims&quot; in general, and he would be forced to develop a more nuanced view on what it means to be Muslim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had this experience many times in my life with homophobic people. I grew up in a very homophobic environment, including my immediate family and many friends growing up. Long before they knew I was gay, I used to argue with them about their homophobic views using facts, logic, science, etc. I thought that if I could just come up with the perfect, irrefutable argument, then I could change their minds. But it never worked out that way. It seemed like my arguments would only entrench them further in their views, as they would find their own dubious &quot;science&quot; and &quot;facts&quot; to support the idea that gay people are disgusting, unnatural, perverted, immoral, and harmful to society. It wasn't until I returned home as an adult and started saying two simple words, &quot;I'm gay&quot;, that the vast majority of people I was close to actually changed their views on homosexuality completely. I have even heard some of these former homophobes standing up for LGBT people when they hear negative comments in their wider social circle, and it is all because when they think of gay people now, they don't think of some scary imaginary weirdos out there in the world threatening their sense of normalcy- instead, they think of ME, a normal person in their in-group who they care about. Thus, the same in-group vs. out-group instincts that made them hateful towards LGBT people in the past have now made them protective towards LGBT people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this can be difficult to accept if you are a very logical person (like myself), but the key to understanding hate is to realize that hate is &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; based on facts and logic; hate is rooted in primal emotions, and it seeks out fake facts and bad logic to justify its own existence. The only way to change primal emotions is to appeal to even stronger primal emotions. By bringing someone from the &quot;out-group&quot; into the &quot;in-group&quot;, a hateful person &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; become a defender of the group they used to hate. It isn't guaranteed to work, and it is important to recognize that this may take time and patience. It requires a real emotional connection to be established, and that can be difficult, particularly when Bob's attitudes could easily alienate potential Muslim friends. But in my experience, this is the only way to really change people who have hate in their heart. Arguing will likely entrench their views as they increasingly draw on the bottomless pit of bad information available on the internet, and trying to shame them or punish them for their views might lead them to suppress their views in public without actually changing them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of what YOU can do in the immediate situation, it should be clear by now that I don't think there is a quick and easy answer. It may be that there is not much you can do besides being patient, sharing your experiences, setting a good example, and hoping that Bob eventually has an experience that changes him. But if your goal is to help Bob change, I don't think that arguing endlessly or treating him with meanness is productive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For further reading on this, reading the stories of reformed white supremacists is really helpful, and there is a lot of material out there (just Google, e.g., &quot;reforming white supremacists&quot;). There are also entire organizations dedicated to reforming members of hateful groups, e.g., Klansmen, neo-Nazis, etc. These are obviously extreme cases, but hate is hate, and it comes from the same place, so you might get some insight from these cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T05:28:14.687" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T05:28:14.687" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2115" CreationDate="2017-08-19T11:45:51.943" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to what Slow Loris says about breaking the in-group/out-group mentality, you could (if at all reasonable or possible) introduce Bob to your Muslim friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If Bob was actually friends with Muslims, and felt that some Muslims&#xA;  are in his in-group because they share many of his interests, values,&#xA;  humor, etc., it would become impossible for him to hate &quot;Muslims&quot; in&#xA;  general, and he would be forced to develop a more nuanced view on what&#xA;  it means to be Muslim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2244" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T11:45:51.943" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1819" CreationDate="2017-08-19T12:11:25.420" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What makes this question so hard to answer: &lt;strong&gt;The absence of the persons in question here.&lt;/strong&gt; You offer us a &lt;em&gt;helicopter view&lt;/em&gt; on the situation, but we don't know their history and relationship. We can try to give you a blunt answer, even with all the possible knowledge about India's culture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My 'blunt' answer would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is any chance that he might wreck the relationship between&#xA; his sibling and her husband, he should not interfere. Also consider&#xA; the fact that communication works both ways. She apparently decided not&#xA; to contact your friend, either. I think he will have to respect her&#xA; choice too. The last thing you want to do to a loved one, is to cause&#xA; them pain or start a difficult situation / relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is general, not specificly aimed at the Indian culture. It's &lt;em&gt;humanitarian&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3198" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T02:27:51.867" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T02:27:51.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2115" CreationDate="2017-08-19T12:12:14.940" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;TLDR: the reasonable and responsible thing to do is to see if what he means really is indiscriminate hatred towards all Muslims, or whether what he genuinely is concerned about are the numerous negative effects of a growing Muslim (and increasingly Islamist) population in Britain. Responsible and charitable interpersonal behavior requires us to take each other's concerns seriously and see if and in how far we agree with them, and point out in a manner that has a chance of being heard where we disagree. Appeal to shared values, acknowledge pertinent facts and valid concerns, and be gentle, yet decided in objection to blatant falsehood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take his concerns seriously. Talk to him about what specifically he believes about Muslims, and appeal to valuing facts - and be willing to listen to the facts (or claims) he considers pertinent. You won't be able to change someone's mind by condescending to them, or by calling them bigoted, or by showing a disregard for their opinion that brushes away everything that seems relevant to them without genuine consideration. You will have to engage the ideas in a rational and empathetic manner, and concede cases where you see that you may not agree with him, but where he does have reasonable concerns. None of us has their thoughts sorted out enough or is able to articulate them clearly enough in all cases that we could have conversations about things we disagree on entirely without friction, so do your best to minimize the friction that comes out of sloppy thinking or speaking by being charitable in listening and interpreting his words; ask for clarification where you're not sure what he means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does he think all Muslims beat their wives and have sex slaves? Introduce him to some Muslim friends who clearly don't, and acknowledge that there are worrying trends in Britain in this regard. Developments like the child sex slave rings in Rotherham and other places (just one example of many grievances that could be amplified to an extreme position like &quot;all Muslims do X&quot; in tabloids) that were ignored in large part out of a fear of being labeled racist and bigoted show that condescending to someone in that manner has disastrous effects, and from an interpersonal point of view are necessary to acknowledge as valid grievances. Don't concede extreme positions like &quot;all Muslims rape children&quot;, because they clearly don't, but don't swing to the other extreme of &quot;nothing to see here&quot;, that can only be received by him as being delusional and a judgement of his moral character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does he think all Muslims hate gays? Introduce him to some gay Muslim friends, and together talk with them about why mainstream Islam condemns them and teaches that they deserve severe punishments, what reactions they experience from Muslims, where they see opportunities, what values their allegiance lies with, and how they reconcile themselves with Islam.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does he think all Muslims are Islamists? Talk about what exactly he means by that - support for stoning adulterers, jailing/executing blasphemers/satirists, flogging people who have extramarital sex, implementing Islamic marital law, etc.? There are numbers on what proportion of Muslims say they subscribe to those notions, how many support sharia in general, etc. Those numbers are worrying, yet they also show that many Muslims do not support those specific demands. Acknowledge the concern and explain why you think it is less worrying than he thinks. If he disagrees with your explanation of that, recognize that it's a matter of anticipating future behavior of large groups of people, and that it's by no means clear whether a more optimistic or more pessimistic evaluation will turn out to be accurate, so disagreement on that point, to a degree, is perfectly fine - and you may actually be naively optimistic in your own views.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not be able to adjust his views to exactly yours, and you shouldn't aim to - he will see that as domineering, condescending, moralizing, and obstinate. He will see you as stubborn and as closing your ears to what he considers valid concerns. A friend that can't rely on you being willing to listen to his concerns and acknowledging that he may have a different, but also valid, view on things than you won't be your friend for long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3654" LastEditorUserId="3654" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T10:43:39.173" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T10:43:39.173" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-19T12:24:15.803" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have a similar problem. We have decided to become foster parents instead of biological parents for heath reasons and we have decided to become foster parents instead of adopt for personal reasons. However we are still always asked when we plan to have &quot;our own kids&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside from the giant insult to our children sitting 6 feet from us, it's annoying to have to explain our internal thoughts every time. It's also potentially damaging to have to do so in front of our children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here are some things to consider...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, let's get some nasty details out of the way. Depending on age this may be a legitimate concern. &quot;You may want them later&quot; is a real problem. After the age of 35, pregnancies get much harder on the baby and the mother. That's not to say it's not possible, but risks are higher, the pregnancy is more demanding, etc. Once women reach a certain age giving birth is no longer an option. So you need to decide if the person asking you might actually trying to get you to understand this fact, or if it's something else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person asking is genuinely concerned about your desire to have children, and is trying to get you to understand there is a time limit of sorts then your best bet is to have a frank discussion about it. Something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We don't want children right now, but we keep talking about it. We understand it gets harder as you get older, but it's just not something we want right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;usually, works. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person asking is concerned with something else then read on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nasty issue number two, depending on religion or social norms you're not only supposed to want to have children but it's considered your responsibility to do so. If the comments and questions tend to go down that path, then you can state responsible reasons why you don't wish to have children. For example: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not a good time for us to have children. We're not in a place where we think we would be good parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next up on the nasty issue list is the fact that most people want kids and struggle to understand why you might not. This is partly because the desire for children is driven by biology. It can be even more confusing for them if you're in a committed and stable relationship. There is no good way to approach this one other to reassure the asker that you do not want children and that you do not wish to continue discussing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, and this is important. Our society has a tendency to put emphasis on instant gratification and de-emphasise long term commitments. We tend to &quot;find a rut&quot; and stick with it. Why is your girl friend only a girl friend, why isn't she a wife? Why aren't you planning for the next 10 years. And so on. People (friends and family especially) tend to ask questions like &quot;So when are you going to have kids?&quot; as a nudge to make sure that you're always thinking of the future and not just sticking in your rut. You can make a lot of the &quot;Are you going to have kids soon?&quot; questions go away by showing that you are planning for the future and that it just doesn't include kids for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bonus nasty issue. They're kinda right. I know that's not what you want to hear, but when you don't have kids, the prospect of having kids sounds like this large time and money suck (it is) where you get ugly drawings and every get sick more frequently. You don't get as much free time and your constantly tired. It's a huge strain on a relationship and a disaster in the waiting. Once you have kids though, it's a very different feeling. You're not broke because of the kids, you spent your money on things you wanted. Even though, somehow those things went from the latest movie tickets to your son's favorite toy. That parent relationship can be hugely rewarding, and there really is no way to explain it. So when they stuff like &quot;wait till you have your own kids&quot; they're correct. It's a feeling that you can't explain. It's like how your SO's desires and yours all of the sudden one day just became one set of desires, and you found your self at the store buying drink coasters. It's just not possible to explain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, these questions are normally good questions. They're not meant to be annoying or intrusive. What generally happens is the couple being asked give non-sense or BS answers and the askers decide to try again later. You're essentially answering a life-altering and sometimes &quot;rite of passage&quot; question the same way you answered &quot;did you do your homework?&quot; back in high school. Be prepared to give a good solid answer, that shows that you have given it serious thought, made a decision, are planning for the future, and are willing and planning to keep revisiting the question, and most people won't bring it up a second time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Total Side note. If you're not re-thinking the no children thing, then that could also be part of the issue. If every time you re-think it the answer is no, that's fine. But children are a life long decision that you really only have a few years to &quot;produce&quot;. Your peek reproduction cycle and your peek life (think money, house, stability) cycle will likely only overlap for a few short years. The people that care about you only want to make sure your not &quot;wasting&quot; those years playing call of duty only to find out later that you want children but can't or shouldn't have them. If your re-assure them that is not the case, people will stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't stop random strangers though. And to be honest it's a fair question. &quot;So, where are you in your relationship?&quot; is a good, fair, question. It's pretty complicated today with different views on marriage, relationships and family, so people ask in different ways. Try not to be too offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T18:19:56.953" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T18:19:56.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2123" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2115" CreationDate="2017-08-19T12:38:25.283" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you talked this through with him already and provided him all the information to make him believe otherwise, then there are not many things to do. You have to accept his 'ignorance' in this case. How hard it might be. Sometimes we really love to show people logic. But not everyone wants your logic. They are mad and angry at something. The only thing you can do is find acceptance in his choice. If you both are good friends, then I don't see any problem asking him to respect your perspective about the matter as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I've tried my best to convince you with evidence, but I am afraid I can do nothing but accept your view. Hope you accept mine. So shall we go on about something else? Don't want to ruin our friendship over this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe you can always ask your friend to take into consideration that you are offended by his hatred. A good friend should respect that and avoid the subject with you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3198" LastEditorUserId="3198" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T13:18:25.460" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T13:18:25.460" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="210" CreationDate="2017-08-19T12:42:32.923" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It does depend on whether you are seeking further interaction with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, one response might be to roll your eyes and walk away. If they take exception to this (presuming of course that they give you the opportunity to respond to their expression of this), comment that you would have excused yourself, but that they gave you no opportunity so to do. If they take exception and don't give you the chance to explain, raise your voice slightly and cut them off by saying &quot;Leave me alone&quot; and then backing off further or turning your back - if you feel safe to do this. If you need to take the further measures, it would probably be a good idea to apologise to the mutual friend, particularly if they witnessed it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do need to have further interaction with them, of course, it might be necessary to be more diplomatic, but all things being equal, I would say that you don't need to go out of your way to spare the feeling of someone who shows no consideration for yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3660" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T12:42:32.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-19T13:05:44.743" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say something like!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks for taking an interest but that's never going to happen and&#xA;  sadly the reasons are quite personal to (partner's name) and I, so I&#xA;  won't speak more on the subject.  (Pause to let that sink in)  Thanks&#xA;  for understanding. (Pause to let that sink in)  Putting that to one&#xA;  side. Now! What's going on with you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3664" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T13:05:44.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-19T17:14:45.150" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;hey, see how much I earn, much more than you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;sounds &lt;em&gt;rude&lt;/em&gt;, even when it is true. The person hearing these words feels bad during the conversation and may not want to meet again. The reason why saying so feels good is you are making an insult on another person. You can earn as much as you can imagine, he does not need from you this money. Nothing honest to remind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Groups where members start comparing salaries, and who can buy what, tend to become the source of stress rather than a place of recreation, and such groups eventually dissolve. When only somebody earning more or less same as you can make you a company, this seriously restricts the choice of friends. It just feels better in a group where members leave they social status at home unless &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; members have this status (say all students).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3668" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T17:21:30.257" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T17:21:30.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2115" CreationDate="2017-08-19T17:44:50.723" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is Bob really your friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if the Bob asked this question. What should Bob do to convince you that he is right? What articles should he give to you? What should he say? That the articles you read are propaganda and it's proven by the facts in this articles? What would be the facts that he should reveal so you would believe his stance is the correct one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that there is nothing he could do tomorrow to convince you to change your opinion. This is a huge topic and you can't change friends opinion just like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is argue with passion. If you disagree, simply exclaim &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What the hell Bob? That is just plain wrong!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and argue your points. Friends are not only meant to agree on topics, discussions on topics where you disagree should be most beneficial to both of you. You might find some common ground here or there, you might disagree on other things. Over time you might convince him to join your side on some details and he will convince you on some other details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation is not the same but you should approach it in the same manner as if you tried to convince him that the music by Justin Bieber is actually bad and no sane person finds it good while he kept sharing you articles from Justin Bieber fan sites.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2892" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T17:46:42.633" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T17:46:42.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-19T19:37:32.433" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;While it is not necessarily responsive to all the concerns in the question an answer to the title is &lt;strong&gt;make what you tell them about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; rather than about them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifically, if you say &lt;em&gt;&quot;Wait until you have kids.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; you are laying claim to knowing more about their own plans and psychology than they do. This is easily interpreted as both arrogant and demeaning, which isn't a great way to make friends or influence people for the good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you say &lt;em&gt;&quot;I used to feel very much the same way, but after my daughter was born my attitude changed&quot;&lt;/em&gt; you are both accepting that their point of view is reasonable and suggesting that there may be more to the situation. They can't argue that you're wrong because your statement is about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; internal life rather than theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the interaction develops into a conversation you can expand of the causes of &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; change of mind. Remind them that parents can neither control nor always predict the moods of their young children. That the groceries have to be bought and there is no way to know with certainty if they baby will let loose halfway through, but you can't just stay home forever out of fear of that happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course, you have to be prepared to admit that the change in your circumstances is to some extent your problem. When your child goes on a crying jag in a sedate public setting (fine restaurant, museum, film screening...) it is your responsibility to calm them or take them out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3690" LastEditorUserId="3690" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T23:19:02.470" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T23:19:02.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2017-08-19T21:05:15.303" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I respond differently to different things.  The fact is I have been there and done that on romantic weekends, wild parties and deciding last minute to jet off to Las Vegas just because.  It's fun.  It's not meaningful nor fulfilling on the long run.  Hobbies are great too, but unless &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are missing them or feeling resentful on the lack of opportunity to do them, who cares?  I don't bother entertaining anyone's complaints about &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; related to other people in public exercising their &lt;em&gt;actual&lt;/em&gt; rights, such as noisy kids, slow old people, breastfeeding, saggy pants or anything else.  If the most you have happening in your life is other people annoying you in public, you don't have any &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; problems, so I just move along and don't entertain the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot explain parenthood to non parents.  You really can't.  I loved kids long before I had any.  I was very involved in the lives of many children, I come from a large family &amp;amp; have taken babies as young as 2 months for a weekend.  I still had &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; idea the amount of change that would happen in my life when they showed up.  It is a very large shift in everything from how much sleep you get to how much money you have and what you do with it to what you find yourself pondering and daydreaming about.  I used to think about things like how I can rearrange the furniture to better flow in parties we throw and now I wander off in thought wondering if maybe goo gone might take that mystery crap out of my carpet that I think &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be gum or maybe slime, or thinking putty.  Parenting has made me far more practical, far easier to please in general (like I am beyond thrilled if I randomly find my dishwasher empty), and far harder to gross out.  On a Friday night I am happy as hell if everyone goes to bed with no issue, no one wakes up puking on me and I get to watch a movie uninterrupted without falling asleep first.  You couldn't really get me to understand that when i had no kids.  I wouldn't understand how I could be this tired, this busy, this stretched thin, and still feel this fulfilled.  I would have never grasped that anything could be this hard and great all at once.  I wouldn't think it made sense to say sometimes I just want to run away, but I'd miss them the moment I got out the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't bother is my advice.  You won't get through to anyone with plans of kids in the future.  They can't know.   It's been awful at moments and heartbreaking and scary but incredibly worth it.  There is nothing like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T21:05:15.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2137" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2138" CreationDate="2017-08-19T21:09:09.850" Score="6" ViewCount="1736" Body="&lt;p&gt;After reading &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/1787&quot;&gt;a related question&lt;/a&gt;, I am rethinking about various discussion/meeting where I, and most other leaders/moderators in the discussion/meeting, call out someone for being &lt;em&gt;quiet&lt;/em&gt; and not voicing their opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The meetings were either casual or formal 10, and in both cases, I call them because I don't want them to feel left out, and I value the opinions of everyone. The casual meetings usually don't have a specific goal (hence just a discussion), but more formal ones usually have specific goals (&quot;Where will we go on the next holiday?&quot; &quot;What will we do for our charity project?&quot;). &lt;strong&gt;This excludes work meetings.&lt;/strong&gt; All people know each other and most are friends, and usually, have only 8-13 persons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, we go in a circle and start from a random person (or the person next to the leader), then take turns in voicing opinions. Some usually skip (or just agree with another person), or are &lt;strong&gt;skipped&lt;/strong&gt; because they take a long time to say something. After everyone has taken their turn, we get back to those that were skipped and ask for their opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there might be several questions/agendas, and if the same persons keep quiet when it's their turn, we usually called them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, Alice, why you so quiet. What do you think about this?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;sub&gt;A bit literal translation, but the first part is a common phrase in Indonesian&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all cases, the person is a bit surprised, and usually either skip or giving a brief opinion or agree with someone's else opinion. (It may be worthwhile to mention some of them were not paying attention). That is &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; fine, and we seldom press for their opinion after this another line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Come on, what do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; think about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And drop it and progress to next person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although we would do this to all participants (which most are shy), there are some people that more often got pointed out (because they more often keep quiet).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it alright to call people out on a meeting/discussion when they are being quiet?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T09:09:23.017" LastActivityDate="2019-02-18T19:53:44.180" Title="Is it okay to point out someone's keeping quiet in a discussion/meeting?" Tags="&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;leadership&gt;&lt;meetings&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-11-21T14:15:05.220" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2137" CreationDate="2017-08-19T21:18:46.690" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to run some work meetings and attended many others that were run by other departments as well.  We had many types, but all fell into the 2 categories you described, some were what we called &quot;round table&quot; which meant more of a brainstorming or discussion session, others had formal agendas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could be more sensitive in wording.  Instead of pointing out that someone has been quiet, especially if you know them to be shy, you could say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would love to hear Vylix's opinion/thoughts on this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not have to have their input, you need not make a point to force them into the spotlight by asking about their thoughts.  This way you are not inadvertently making someone feel awkward if their verbal participation isn't actually needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand that there are times we want to feel inclusive, so we attempt to ask to make the person feel noticed and affirm that their opinions have value.  That is only good though if that is how they feel when it happens.  I think asking if anyone has anything they would like to add, while giving enough time for someone to speak up, is adequate in cases where you don't require an actual opinion or information from them versus calling each person out who hasn't yet spoken.  I would only call on someone specifically if I felt certain that they had something necessary or of value to add to the discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T07:48:27.843" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T07:48:27.843" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1850" CreationDate="2017-08-19T21:53:36.567" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would opt for something other than luck.  The same can be said without that particular word and it sounds too cold maybe?  I would instead say something about hoping everything goes very well or along that type of thinking.  I would use luck when it's something not serious, like a presentation or a promotion they hope to get.  I would send then well wishes when it's more significant, like health for them or their loved ones.  Any health issue, even when not appearing to be life threatening, can have complications and anyone undergoing any treatment that requires time off work like has some anxiety about the treatment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An actual example was I worked with a man having his hips replaced.  It's not minor, but certainly not thought to be life threatening.  That said, surgery is surgery and I asked him before he left how he was feeling about the impending surgery, and he told me I was the only person that &lt;em&gt;asked&lt;/em&gt; how he was feeling and it touched him that I did.  I didn't even think it would mean much, but I assumed it would be something that might make you quite nervous.  He said it was incredibly anxiety provoking for him but he was hopeful he would recover and live without pain.  He did and it was a wonderful change for him.  Sometimes just asking is enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T21:53:36.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2142" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-19T22:08:41.153" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often, people try to involve in the activities they tend to enjoy in order to socially mixing up with others. Questions here should be about socializing. Locations such public locations can be added, but more private locations can be added too, such as with family or friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should also be used in reference to other tags, such as location ones (&lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt;) and also more specific ones such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt; to describe who you are with at the time. You can also use tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-event&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-event&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-event&lt;/a&gt; to describe the situation the asker is in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T06:46:46.740" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T06:46:46.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2143" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-19T22:08:41.153" Score="0" Body="For questions about socially mixing up with others, or make someone behave in a way that is acceptable to their society." OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T07:02:23.050" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T07:02:23.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2144" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-19T22:17:49.450" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-19T22:17:49.450" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T22:17:49.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2145" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-19T22:17:49.450" Score="0" Body="A person who is energized by spending time alone. One who can turn inward or in upon itself. The word &quot;Introvert&quot; can sometimes have negative connotations, because many people are &quot;extroverts&quot;." OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T14:22:10.827" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T14:22:10.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-19T23:01:35.600" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;To add on other excellent answers, ask her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you &lt;strong&gt;have&lt;/strong&gt; to go through my phone? What are you looking for? What do you think you will find here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This counters her argument; why should she start searching your phone if she doesn't have any suspicion to begin with? Why should she making a problem out of nothing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she already have a thought of you cheating, &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; can be used as &quot;evidence&quot;, even a casual chat with a stranger. This ridiculous behavior should not be tolerated as it already show her lack of trust, and should be remedied immediately if you both are to continue the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T16:05:48.390" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T16:05:48.390" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2137" CreationDate="2017-08-19T23:09:15.117" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not know how this would work in Indonesia but I would say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Sam!  I'd like to make sure that you're happy with what we're deciding.  In a moment I'll check in with you to find out if there's anything you would like to be considered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Carry on the conversation with the group before returning to Sam with... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Sam, what are your thoughts on everything so far?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However Sam responds is right for Sam so then paraphrase to ensure understanding and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3664" LastActivityDate="2017-08-19T23:09:15.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-19T23:46:54.067" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've used the word partner but it sounds more like a friend you have an exclusive (I assume) intimate relationship with.  A partner is a step on the road to life partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shifting the emphasis to &quot;life partner&quot;. I imagine you would be comfortable to give free access to all of you to your life partner, which includes, but is not limited to: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is your BEST friend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;career planning&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;holiday planning &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;retirement planning &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;children planning &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;home planning &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;health management&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Last will and testaments&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Winning lotto&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Shared bank accounts&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Joint mortgage&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Common and individual interests&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can see, and are excited about, a future with this person as your life partner then I recommend sharing phone communications while you collaboratively focus on your future mutual benefits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, continue to leave the barrier in place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3664" LastEditorUserId="3664" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T22:30:32.903" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T22:30:32.903" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2137" CreationDate="2017-08-20T00:23:55.013" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Normally, it's a good idea to be &quot;inclusive.&quot; But there are times when people don't want to be included. They may be shy about expressing themselves, or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are times (critical ones) when everyone must &quot;stand up and be counted.&quot; These informal meetings that you are running don't appear to be among them. While it's good of you to give everyone a chance to express themselves, some may choose to &quot;express themselves&quot; by &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; saying anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, &quot;let sleeping dogs lie.&quot; It would be impolitic to do otherwise. Someone may be keeping silent for &quot;political&quot; reasons, and if you call them on it, you might make them angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2019-02-18T19:53:44.180" LastActivityDate="2019-02-18T19:53:44.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2150" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-20T00:34:33.140" Score="16" ViewCount="4699" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person who (at a glance) fits all the &quot;can't handle spice&quot; stereotypes, yet &lt;em&gt;loves&lt;/em&gt; spicy food, I often find myself in the awkward position of having to ask for corrections after my food comes out. Some restaurants don't have chili powder on hand for the table, and I have to send the dish back, prolonging my meal. Even if I order a dish as spicy as the restaurant offers it (5/5, &quot;extra hot&quot;, &quot;Thai spicy&quot;, whatever), my dinner partners are almost always served spicier food than I am, even if they order their food lower on the scale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when joining my Asian friends (I am not Asian) for a meal at a Thai restaurant, even if we all order the same dish, at the same level of spiciness, it's a total crapshoot whether my meal will come with any spice whatsoever. We've all noticed this as an issue, and tried each other's food, so I'm sure I don't have some abnormal resistance to spice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;What is a polite way to impress upon my servers that I know what I'm asking for?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; I've had mixed success with saying things like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;5/5 - and I really mean it!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;really, just serve me a plate of lava, I'll be fine&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2806" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T05:07:09.783" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T18:36:20.573" Title="How can I ask for truly spicy food at a restaurant?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2151" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2152" CreationDate="2017-08-20T01:38:34.027" Score="5" ViewCount="3357" Body="&lt;p&gt;Usually, I'm pretty good at replying to people trying to make fun of me or pissing me off. I'm able to reply something clever pretty fast most of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, with teenagers it's different. What they say when they try to make fun of me doesn't seem to matter as much as the act of making fun of me. What they say is generally very stupid but not harsh, leaving no room for me to reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An example of this:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in my room and I need to do something in another room. I'm walking with my stuff across the living room where they are and I drop something by accident.&#xA;One will look at me and says: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nooo! Don't drop things!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister is just like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wtf hahahaha&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't even look at him when he said that, I felt like giving him more attention would not help the situation. I just picked my stuff up and gone to my things, ignoring him completely. When I come back, as I'm closing the door of my room, the same stands up and says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't close the doooor...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His friend that was also looking at me says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hahahaha he doesn't even bother looking at you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know my reaction was not the best but I really have no clue about how I should have reacted. For me it's just so stupid there's nothing to answer to that. But he is still making his friends laugh so I feel like being more serious would not improve the situation. I realise they are mocking me for being too serious and they may just want me to cool down but it's not really my type of thing to be friendly with strangers. And the way they are doing it does not really invite me into the club.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I react to this if I want them to stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Canada. I'm 19 years old and the people I'm confronting should be around 14 years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1691" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T02:25:31.123" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T02:25:31.123" Title="How to react to teenagers trying to making fun of you?" Tags="&lt;teenagers&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2151" CreationDate="2017-08-20T02:22:35.300" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 18 years old, but I'm not the most intimidating sort of person, especially to kids in this age range (early teenage years). As such, in cases where I have to tell kids this age to do something, either in a work, academic or athletic setting, I command little authority. I've also been easy to roll over at times, so to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are times when I see kids around 14 or 15 acting all tough and mature, and I roll my eyes. See, I remember being that age. I've grown a lot in the past four years or so, and even though I'm obviously still young, I at the very least recognize that I am not fully developed. At 14, a kid might not understand that. It's a transition phase, often accompanied by rebellious tendencies, and early teenage arrogance is all too common.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is this: In all likelihood,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;These kids are not fully mature, no matter what they say.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; know how to deal with all of the curveballs life will throw at them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They aren't as tough as they think they are.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always bear this in mind when interacting with younger kids. My general reaction to being laughed at my ones I don't really know or need to get to know was always &quot;Eh, let them laugh.&quot; Honestly, they're being only slightly more mature than a 7-year-old making fart jokes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a serious person, and I look it. You can imagine that in this sort of situation, I command as little authority as you do. I can tell you that confronting the teenagers about it &lt;em&gt;will not work&lt;/em&gt;. They laugh at you for being serious; getting even more serious will only compound their amusement. Things won't go well from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you have an interesting option, which is that it appears that your sister is involved. She presumably has some sway over these kids, if she's their friend. So use that. Talk to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sibling issues are possible at this age. I've had them with my own sister. Sometimes, I found her friends annoying - not mean, just a bit annoying. It was unintentional; at times, their personalities simply were orthogonal to my own. And so I talked to my sister, because she has some respect for me. If I told her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, your friends are making me feel awkward or uncomfortable at times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then explained &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;, she'd understand. Okay, sure, at times we disagreed, but she's still my sister. She does care about me, and so she tried to change how her friends acted a bit. I don't know exactly how, but she's worked to make it happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T21:29:28.917" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T21:29:28.917" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-08-20T03:05:09.410" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Until now I'd never heard of a &quot;maid cafe&quot; and now I've googled it, it seems pretty demeaning and creepy (from the perspective of a UK male). You still didn't say what country you're in or that your roommates are from but from my own cultural perspective, I'd expect most women to label you as creepy for even wanting to go to one of these cafes, let alone suggesting they dress up for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd say your approach to the situation should be to move on and try to learn from it and think a bit more about how your words and actions affect other people. It sounds like any other response is only going to make things worse, and any apology would only serve to make you feel better, and probably them even more uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3718" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T07:08:51.117" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T07:08:51.117" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2137" CreationDate="2017-08-20T03:08:29.717" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion &quot;forcing&quot; someone to participate is not the right thing to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone who isn't &quot;contributing&quot; may be taking it all in, mentally summing up, and just waiting for the right time to launch their bolt into the blue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or they may not have anything to say, in which case you're just embarrassing them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or they may have been invited to a meeting they are not interested in, and which they're only attending because it's required. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or they may be painfully shy and dread the idea of voicing an opinion in a public forum. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of the reason - if someone wishes to speak up, and it's appropriate to do so, that's great - but calling someone out for being &quot;too quiet&quot; is, in my considered opinion, a Bad Thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3044" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T04:46:21.057" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T04:46:21.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2150" CreationDate="2017-08-20T03:35:05.753" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would tie the spiciness into the tipping.  I would tell them upfront that unless you are sweating &amp;amp; coughing, you won't think it's spicy enough and if it's actually spicy enough, you will leave a nice tip.  I'd even tell them that you have a hard time getting restaurants that serve it with the level of hot you are looking for and that you want it the hottest they make it.  I don't like all spice.  I am not interested in Mexican type hot, but I love love love a seriously hot that is more like a horseradish or wasabi.  I don't even mind it it feels like a hot poker in my eye.  THAT is when I am happy.  I too have this issue.  I just impose it on my server that the tip is tied to me getting something that makes my face hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;___  Editing because it seems I wasn't clear.  I always tip.  I do not tip the server well if I am not served well though.  If someone looks at me and decides that what I ordered isn't going to be to &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; liking and without asking me then places a different food order for me with the kitchen, I consider that terrible service.  If I order extra hot and my friend does too and my friend's food comes out considerably hotter than mine, I have no doubt &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; has happened.  I will give 10% to anyone alive and breathing, but I am not giving 20% to someone who didn't even show me the respect to give me the food I ordered the &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; I ordered it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="1652" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T08:41:33.883" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T08:41:33.883" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2156" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2137" CreationDate="2017-08-20T04:47:19.450" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've often found myself not speaking up in many meetings because 1) the active participants don't leave enough room between expressions and 2) I don't believe the thoughts I'm having are very different or very important compared to what is already being expressed.  I do speak up when I feel there's something important left unsaid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When called upon I'm more than happy to either express those thoughts I've had or indicate that what I thought has already been expressed and I've nothing additional to contribute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have met many coworkers, however, who have a much harder time contributing in these meetings.  Sometimes asking them to provide their thoughts is useful, but in many cases they simply don't feel comfortable in that type of environment, and calling on them makes them more uncomfortable.  While it's easy to suggest that they should get used to it, or find another line of work the reality is that they've often been some of the best contributors to the teams they've been on, and it does everyone a disservice to force a particular method of interaction on everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, you should learn what each person prefers, and only call on those who have indicated they would be happy to be called on but simply don't like interrupting or don't feel they have something important to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you should give a reason for calling on them, though, there's no need to say, &quot;John, I notice you've been quiet, what are your thoughts?&quot; when simply saying, &quot;John, what do you think?&quot; is sufficient. Once you find people who prefer to contribute their thoughts later, in emails or in smaller groups, you don't want to set the expectation that being quiet may result in being called upon.  You only need to ask those you know who be fine with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seek out the others later, either via email, one on one, or in smaller groups, and get their thoughts.  Some will prefer smaller interactions, some will want/need more time to consider what's been said, and others simply have a difficult time speaking up in such meetings.  It's worth figuring out who needs what level of interaction to bring out their best, and then provide the environment they need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you regularly meet in groups where you cannot know people individually and understand their preferred methods of interaction, you can simply ask near the end, &quot;Is there anyone who hasn't been able to contribute their thoughts?&quot;  and once you've received additional feedback end with, &quot;Please continue to consider this topic and get back to me or the group as new ideas come up.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should provide the opportunity and support individuals need without making anyone feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T04:47:19.450" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2150" CreationDate="2017-08-20T05:04:35.163" Score="5" Body="&lt;h3&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=%22You%20want%20the%20spice%3F%20You%20can%27t%20handle%20the%20spice!%22&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;“You want the spice? You can't handle the spice!”&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what typical Asian chefs think about westerners in their restaurants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's certainly bad to discriminate. But this isn't discrimination per se. They consider that it's better to play it safe, rather than upset the customers' stomachs and later watch them complain. It's well-known that westerners, unlike Asians are not the best consumers of spicy foods, and are therefore ill-equipped to deal with the probable aftermaths.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm an Indian, and I've eaten spicy food all my life. And I don't think any western restaurants I've been to have ever served me anything as spicy. It's just the way it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you can try is ask them nicely as you usually do and convince them that you can handle the spice, or maybe:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please add all the spice you've got. I'd like it to be &lt;strong&gt;extra extra spicy&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if they ask &amp;quot;Are you sure?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, definitely. I can handle a lot more than you might think. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And hope that works. There's no guaranteed method for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or ask your friends to order for you, if they're Asians. Maybe that would help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T08:52:31.373" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1853" CreationDate="2017-08-20T06:06:05.623" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can reply that only the people who take seriously their sensuality --- including opinions, ideas, speculations, fantasies, beliefs, compliance (or lack thereof) of some behavior with respect to these ideas, rules, fantasies ...) --- have faith that death dissolves any suffering, by claiming that there is nothing wrong with the sensuality beforehand, that having equanimity towards the senses is futile, and that, even if there is something wrong with caring so much about the sensuality,  at the death cease this craving for sensual pleasure  and this despite of sensual displeasure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also add that the suffering seems more on the side of the persons who deal with the old person, than on the old person, by projecting their faith in sensuality on their speculative lack of sensuality seemed to be experienced by the old person. These people are right that being old and ''sick'' seems dreadful, but the solution to stop being old, sad and ill is not by death. Their speculation is natural and expected from any person having faith in her hedonism. The good news is that even if this faith is natural and stupid, it can be erased to make the ''suffering'' stop for good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is the method to stop being miserable once and for all, instead of stopping the sadness for while à la hedonists:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The training is the calming the mind to prepare the person to see that ''dispassion towards sensuality is good '', (once the appetite for sensuality is no longer a drive, there is still something to stop caring about, but this is not important for a beginner), with the first effect being the attenuation of being attracted to thoughts. So the way to do this is first to watch typically the breath a few minutes, then when a distraction arrives, person recalls that having the monkey mind, day dreaming, thinking about past and future, expecting things, thinking about our losses, brings misery. Once done this, the person goes back to something grounding and pleasing (or non-harming) like the body or the breath (but at the beginning, watching the breath is not pleasing, and turns into boredom which becomes an excitement for ending the mediation), so one must stick to the body and watch how comfortable it is to be in contact with the material support (like a bed, after a day of being exhausted by manual labor) by relaxing any tension in the body (typically through the muscles). &#xA;generally, when the focus on the breath or the body is lost, the muscles of the face are tensed and they must be relaxed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important point for mediation is that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the joy or pleasure makes the person focused (like in any other activity, if we enjoy an activity, then we do not think about hunger, about pains, about fatigue, about the future; the pleasure makes us keep doing what we are doing)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;but the pleasures which do not come from the senses is far better than the sensual pleasures (including the intellect), these pleasures arrive with first jhana (people fail to see this)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the way to get this pleasure is first to calm the intellect  which is done by seeing that having the monkey mind is displeasing and exhausting and it is not stopped by willing to stop it, then by keeping the focus on the body or breath and relaxing any tension&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the way to be moral, like some people say, is the first step to decrease the monkey mind [not lying, not building stories, not stealing, not getting into entertainment, sensuality as soon as we can, which is done by seeing that the fear of missing out on social life makes us miserable, and that there will be as much entertainment, opportunities to enjoy oneself tomorrow than there is today, so we can take a break for a while from of this entertainment]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing this ''meditation'' over and over will make the sadness disappear during the cession, even a bit afterwards, but once the mediation is not longer done for good, everything will turn back to what we live today. SOme normal persons use their faith in materialism to rely on drugs to achieve these states, and sooner or later, the effects disappear bringing a sadness.&#xA;The way to stop being miserable once and for all is to meditate and afterwards reflect on the source of this misery, by willing to end our misery once and for all, accepting any consequence that this brings [it turns out that the price is to stop ''enjoying'' pleasures through the 6 senses and to rely only on the jhanas].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance people claim that being hungry is suffering and that stopping people to feel hunger is to feed them. This is ineffective:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get hungry&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get displeasure from hungriness&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;feed&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;may get pleasure from food&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get hungry again and still disliking it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;=&gt;feeding is not the way to stop being hungry and being displeased by hungriness&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same thing with tiredness. People dislike tiredness, and they claim that sleeping is the way to stop being tired. this is false:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get tired&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;sleep&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wake up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get tired again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;=&gt;sleeping is not the way to stop being tired&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;this is how we identify the way to see that whatever we did so far in life did not prevent us from feeling miserable; same for being ''miserable&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;be miserable&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;reading a novel, daydreaming, painting, having a purpose, objectives, goals, whatever normal people do&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;feel miserable again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;=&gt;being entertained etc. is not the way to stop being miserable&#xA;as soon as the displeasure, the annoyance, the discomfort, the boredom, the pain come back, however small they are, we know that it failed whatever happened between the two times where we were annoyed and so we do not continue to do them, since our only goal is to stop being miserable once and for all. this is how to judge if an action, a speech or a thought is effective about stopping the misery&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following the doctrine begins when there is a ''will'' to stop being ''unhappy'', miserable, disappointed, no matter what the pleasures (and their costs) is experienced so far.&#xA;The ''harmless fun'', physical or not, that people crave is nice and if we get it without much work, then lucky us; but once the stupidity of relying on sensuality is seen, the person is not driven, towards anything, by the boredom, the pleasures nor pains, in daily life, nor even the ones of the jhanas, but the person is driven only towards the end of the faith in sensuality and becoming, and driven only by knowing that this method is the only thing relevant to do (for as long as the person is living).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course any normal person is driven, towards anything, by the current tastes,  (which change sooner or later), by what is liked and what is disliked, by pleasures and avoiding pains and hardships (directly, or by constructing some story that being in pain, disappointments, hardships, predicaments are worth it or have some merit or are deserved).&#xA;This holds for the normal people who follow this method and for non-bodily drives, there can be faith-doubt(choose the word we see as negative), boredom in their life,  tradition, curiosity, realizing their fantasy of becoming righteous, their fantasy of the knowledge of the ''true nature of reality''.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It turns out that, for normal persons, having non-physical pleasures makes the mind plastic, concentrated, still, non-agitated. Even if there remain some faiths in some god, in some boasting about the success of the jhanas, some faith in something else than the method, This mind is the ideal mind to meditate on the source of the misery and its extinction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The students will have the healthy mind, since they are told to stop worrying (and are made so by being secluded and far away from all this hustle and bustle) about, being still towards ''social'' matters (typically some contests, hierarchies, like a career, a social fight), which is the basis for contemplating, the continuation of being still with respect to bodily pains/pleasures and boredom, before meditating on their misery ---- which really means ''there is the knowledge that there is still misery, no matter what has been done before'', then all there is the radical stop of being sad, whatever the consequences this would bring to this existence and there is their acceptation , there is only caring about no longer being unhappy; then there is the insight that ''there is misery, because there are not the objects desired (such as cars, heaters, foods, travels, being judged innocent in some trial, paying less taxes, having joy or pride of giving some pleasures to a few people, feeling relevant to some humans, expressing some opinions about something, claiming to be righteous, having dignity, believing to behave in agreement to some rules), but this misery happens only because there is a taking up of consciousness, feelings and all that stuff always impermanent, uncontrollable, not myself-me-mine, what people call ''ego'' or self casually, which did not give what was wanted before (not for very long) no matter how much effort is put to keep the good experiences; there is no longer a misery, once and for all, once there is no taking up of, taking as basis in those stuff always impermanent and uncontrollable, not myself-me-mine''; then the dispassion towards all those stuff happens which brings the knowledge of ''right view'' like some people say; then the natural and only relevant step to do is to contemplate-meditate to settle this right view once and for all and be done with the doctrine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before this meditation, The only ''sadness'' that there is is the knowledge that there is no contemplation carried out,  yet needed to finish the path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3724" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T06:14:42.693" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T06:14:42.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2160" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2151" CreationDate="2017-08-20T06:14:23.173" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although I'm from India, I think I understand your situation. I'm 16 now, and I have a 13-year-old sister, and her friends to bother about. At school, I have a number of responsibilities which include taking teenagers of the age range 14-15 and younger. Messing up around them generally results in the kinds of situations that you are facing, but as I have recently grown out of that age, I kinda understand what they're thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time people would act all authoritative around me, I would think something along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Who the hell does he/she think he is? Telling us all to [something older people say]? I know everything, and I know what's going to happen if I do it, and what will happen if I don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teenagers often have a mindset that they know everything, and try to act the way they think adults act. (I shouldn't be saying this, but I think I know how that felt :P)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result, whenever someone older would mess up, we (as in my friends and myself) would all laugh at him/her like crazy, and/or make snide comments. If they wouldn't reply, it would mean, at least for us, that he/she doesn't know what they're doing, and after that, if it were a class, we wouldn't listen to them further, because he doesn't know what he's doing. We didn't realize then that even the smartest of teachers are human, and every human can make a mistake/mess up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I suggest to you is, turn to the person cracking jokes, give them a warm, yet all-knowing smile, and acknowledge their joke, before you continue on your way. It's worked for me every single time, and it results in you earning the teen's respect, slowly and steadily. I know that my answer probably doesn't add anything useful, but its' an experience I had, and I'm sharing it in the hope that it comes of use to you some time. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm basically a kid, but I understand now what it means to behave serious and mature, and I can convince most kids, teens, and adults that I'm capable of taking care of bigger things... So although my answer looks childish, please don't judge it by its looks... You can try and use it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T06:24:57.957" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T06:24:57.957" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-20T06:48:34.760" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you have nothing to hide, right? When you write:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And I could actually have something to hide! Nothing bad of course, but...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not convinced. As for your explanation of what might be disclosed, so what? If she spoils her surprise, it's her loss. If she reads another person's secrets, hopefully, she has the sense to keep it between the two of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, deal with that issue (or some other issue) when it happens. By &quot;insisting&quot; on a blanket rule, you are forcing a one-sided rule into your relationship, where she doesn't even get the &lt;strong&gt;chance&lt;/strong&gt; to be trustworthy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, using &quot;condemning&quot; is a strong word to use to describe some communication with a girlfriend. Generally, you &lt;em&gt;condemn&lt;/em&gt; your enemies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T06:55:13.980" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T06:55:13.980" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2150" CreationDate="2017-08-20T08:20:19.133" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from India, so I guess that makes me Asian. I've seen the same treatment meted out to various westerners in restaurants here. The real reason it is done is that at the beginning when the first person from the west had come to the restaurant, the food was too spicy for them to handle, and so they complained to the management there and told them to reduce the spice in their food. When more people came along, and they said similar things, the management decided to make it a rule that whenever a westerner came to their place, they would take care not to put the kind of spice that people from around here normally eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, as a result of the people that came here before, the management decided to change the style of food they serve to western customers so that they feel more comfortable. There's no real problem that they have with serving you spicy food; it's just that you might complain about the spicy food. But as you like spicy food for real, you certainly won't complain, but they don't know that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in your case, when you ask the waiters to give you the kind of spice that the Asians are eating, they feel afraid, due to their previous experiences. They feel that if the customer concerned goes and complaints at a level higher than their own management, their restaurant/hotel/shop might get closed down. I know about all this from my cousin who works as a hotel manager.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Assure the waiter that you love spicy food and that this isn't the first time you're eating something like this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him or her that if you can't handle it, you won't blame them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them, very clearly, to treat you like an average Asian, and that you have an idea of what you are in for.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, try to make them understand that &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; will not be held responsible in case you find the food too spicy, which you obviously won't. (no offense intended) That way, they'll not feel scared to give you hot and spicy food. Problem solved! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T08:20:19.133" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2150" CreationDate="2017-08-20T08:28:27.207" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is a polite way to impress upon my servers that I know what I'm asking for?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think they see you as this &lt;em&gt;not able to handle it that much spicy&lt;/em&gt; kind of person, I would not first take it at a discriminatory fact, but as a &lt;em&gt;protection act&lt;/em&gt; (both sides). I'm pretty sure they don't want you to have a bad experience, and that you may later complain. &lt;em&gt;They are wrong&lt;/em&gt;, but shouldn't be blamed for that at first sight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I would have some ready-to-use sentences, with the help of my friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the waiter is Thai, you can even learn a couple of simple words/sentences about spicy food. Not only people will like the effort of speaking their native language, but they usually also take it more seriously, as they see you as &lt;em&gt;the one who knows&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOTE: To me, &quot;white&quot; is not discrimination, especially when used in a cooking context. It just means &lt;em&gt;mild / less spicy / more milk&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As a Latino, I'm used to eating spicy food (jalapeño / hot stuff), can you please make sure I'll enjoy a 5-star-devil-level-hot sauce, and not a &quot;whiter&quot; sauce?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You adapt the sentence to your personality / way of speaking, but you get the point :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also ask your friends to make a small joke about you when you order, saying that you're the only one they know that can handle spicy stuff like they do!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If they don't take what you ask for seriously, someone has to back you up.&lt;/em&gt; Isn't that what friends are for? :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T08:43:58.063" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T08:43:58.063" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2164" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-20T08:29:09.800" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know the situation in the UK but this probably applies to many places.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone knows your salary, they may estimate how you value your time according to your salary. For example, they may prefer not to bother you for something that they think you could simply pay someone else to do. They may also think you would be more willing to pay for such things. In other cases, they may think you don't lose anything for doing something they want. Or they think you received some help that is very important to your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But real people estimate the value of their own time differently. They might be willing to take much time to do some kinds of things even if not necessary, and not willing to take time for something else even if it is obviously beneficial. They help other people not for having nothing better to do, but to expect other people give them or someone else similar help for other things, or sometimes help people understand their works or themselves better. And if someone is not willing to help, they first try to walk away and find someone else, instead of begging for that. As long as it is not related to their jobs directly, they usually only estimate other people's time according to the salary. So unless you already know each other well, someone may not want to add the unwanted implications at first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it. Do the richest person in the world play video games? It's difficult to know. It's not strange if they do, but people usually don't assume it's a good idea to talk with them about video games. They'll have trouble to make friends that could talk about video games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3729" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T08:55:16.640" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T08:55:16.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2150" CreationDate="2017-08-20T08:44:44.207" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I worked in hospitality for years and in my most recent endeavor prior to me starting my career, I worked at a chicken wing place. We served our sauces based on the scoville scale, but we also had a sauce with bhut jolokia extract in it, off-menu. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it always helped when the customers asked us for recommendations. To me that was key when someone wanted something stupidly hot. if they wanted something to burn, I would offer the bhut jolokia sauce as a recommendation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when you're ordering your meal, just simply ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What's the spiciest thing you'd recommend? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't eat spicy food normally, they would normally say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well X is supposed to be really hot, I've seen a few people struggle with it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if they're a fellow spicy lover, they'd be happy to bring you pain or recommend something flavourful with a kick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you sure?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; if they're stereotyping, they will &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then say, what you normally say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;really, just serve me a plate of lava, I'll be fine&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or my favourite:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Seriously, I want it to burn. I'm happy to sign a waiver if need be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the way you order your food is key in letting the servers know that you're a man about your spicy food. It will also save you the hassle of having your meal prolonged when you send it back and you'll be able to notify to the server that you can handle it (as most of the original conversation pre-meal, would be emphasised on spiciness). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T08:52:25.070" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T08:52:25.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2150" CreationDate="2017-08-20T10:48:12.593" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all. Spicy is not native to Asia. Chili is not native to Asia. It was brought from Mexico (is it considered &quot;westerners' &quot; world?) around &lt;a href=&quot;https://books.google.com.sg/books?id=HHs6ANrJ-MEC&amp;amp;pg=PA107&amp;amp;redir_esc=y#v=onepage&amp;amp;q&amp;amp;f=false&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;500 years ago&lt;/a&gt; to India and around 300 years ago to China if I'm not mistaken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Asia and don't look like some people would like me to look to be a &quot;true &quot;Asian&quot;&quot;. I got to know spicy food long time ago. My grandmother is of Tungus minority and she likes things like brainshaking mustard and wasabi-like horseradish. My favourite foods are of Mexican, South Indian, Vietnamese, Indonesian, Japanese, Korean, Sichuan/Dungbei/Yunnan/Hunan/Shanghainese/Hongkongese cuisines. I like mala, I like Sichuan food drowned in chili, I like Japanese spicy curry (30lvl), I make my phở look red... You get the drift. I outchili anyone who will challenge me. I eat so spicy food that can kill a horse. I eat so spicy food that I can hear my blood running through my veins and other people's blood running through their veins!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think I'm qualified enough to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When making my special request I typically change the way I speak like I'm telling a government secret, or like they will never understand, or like a mob kind of style &quot;you better don't mess with me, boy&quot; and say one of these:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it really really... (lean on and give a sullen look) REALLY SPICY!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it devilish spicy!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it extra extra spicy yah! And give me chili separately, more chili lah! (this way you can fix if it won't be spicy enough)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give me the spiciest you can!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I lived in / am from Sri Lanka/Mexico/Singapore/Sichuan/Thailand.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it look red!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hou hou laat m goi! (&quot;Super spicy please&quot; in Cantonese). Asking in people's language can build more trust and give them more assurance that you won't die.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes a combination of two works better. Make an eye contact. You need to let them know you're no joke and this whole situation is damn serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2820" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T10:48:12.593" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2137" CreationDate="2017-08-20T12:34:10.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it depends on &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they are quiet. The key here might be to talk to regular shy participants and ask them what would make them more comfortable participating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had this discussion with people before and here's a few of the reasons I got:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I find it hard to think on the spot during a meeting&lt;/strong&gt;: After I heard this I started trying to give as much notice of the discussion questions so they could prepare their thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't like talking in front of others&lt;/strong&gt;: To address those that are truly just shy, I would ask participants to write their responses on post-it notes or butchers paper and then go through the answers with everyone or distribute so everyone would take a turn reading random answers. &#xA;(This one I could not do all the time, since it depends on the nature of the discussion. I hoped that by getting everyone to read out randomised answers, the shy people would get more used to speaking to the group without the fear of their answers being rejected)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't feel like it is my place / don't feel qualified to contribute ideas&lt;/strong&gt;: For this I tried to emphasise that there are no stupid questions or ideas. I also took some time outside meetings to reinforce that we are asking because they are qualified to give input. We wouldn't ask if they weren't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you don't have the opportunity to do the above it is fine to ask a specific person for input. I have found however that you can often prompt them for input without putting them on the spot and making them uncomfortable by asking something like &lt;strong&gt;Can I hear from someone that hasn't spoken yet?&lt;/strong&gt; or &lt;strong&gt;This side of the room has been a bit quiet, can I get a response from this side?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3741" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T12:34:10.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1986" CreationDate="2017-08-20T13:37:13.560" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often find that it works well to state my opinion on a topic, but acknowledge that there is internal conflict over which side is right. A lot of times, people just want to know that you're not a raging partisan for the other side, and that you're able to see their point of view, even if you don't fully agree with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So -- to cite an example from a completely non-stressful conversation this morning with someone I like -- I might say something like &quot;you're right, crime in city xyz is really a problem sometimes; that shop down the road from our old house got robbed five times and finally stopped taking cash, and that's where my inner urbanist and my inner libertarian start coming to blows, since on one hand, there's no reason that customers should have to rely on a credit card company to buy coffee, but at the same time, there might just not &lt;em&gt;be&lt;/em&gt; a coffee shop if they keep getting robbed -- there's really not much of a solution that will be acceptable to all sides.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, if you're trying to nudge the subject out of politicized waters, you can drift into some other intractable problem that you've seen, along with some creative and inspiring ways that people are trying to solve it. (Googling for &quot;wicked problems&quot; ahead of your family gathering will usually give you something for which people will have a sympathetic ear. It doesn't have to be something political.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can start talking about that, you can then drift further into stories about people you know who are creative, using something like &quot;that's the kind of solution I could picture my cousin Joe coming up with&quot;, and once you start talking about interesting people you've known, well ... that's a conversation that can go on for hours. People love talking about their acquaintances and families, and rightly so. There are usually very interesting stories to hear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Added caveat: I'm probably not the best person to give advice about this topic, since I'm generally very interested in my family members' political opinions and don't often redirect away from that topic. But I imagine that this type of redirection could work in a lot of situations, assuming you want to avoid politics. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3744" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T17:59:09.253" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T17:59:09.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2169" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-20T13:39:19.277" Score="14" ViewCount="3817" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am usually very good in avoiding people, when I don't want to talk to someone at work or home I either change place or express some intentional rudeness in order to kill any attempt to have a chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things are very different when I am stuck with the driver in his taxi, I can't simply go to an other room nor can I risk being rude to someone who has my life and time in his hands.&#xA;I live in the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2027" LastEditorDisplayName="user105" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T15:18:32.833" LastActivityDate="2018-10-28T20:58:05.383" Title="How do I tell a taxi driver that I don't like to chat with him/her?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-20T13:42:33.903" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not sure if this is due to a culture thing alone. As your neighbour from the Netherlands (similar culture) , I've had conversations about this. While some don't mind, there are others that do find it insulting. I found out the majority here just doesn't like it. &lt;em&gt;Myself included.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is: Why is it relevant to know someone else's salary? What point does it make? The only reason why I think people want to know, is to self-reflect and compare. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Is the person richer than me?&quot; Auch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Is the person poorer than me? Phew&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases it's very negative. People that are being asked are aware of that and &lt;strong&gt;they just do not want that.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always respond with &lt;em&gt;&quot;Enough.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3198" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T13:42:33.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2172" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2231" CreationDate="2017-08-20T14:15:46.297" Score="29" ViewCount="9375" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I rent an apartment and a garage. The garage is on an underground parking underneath the building in which we live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The garage has a metal door which we lock with a key. The underground parking has a lot of parking slots as well as garages like the one we use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, what is frustrating to us is that there is someone who often urinates just next to our garage door. There is also a car in the slot next to ours, but its owner seldom uses it (it's covered in dust), so it is improbable they would ever notice this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The parking is always cold, being underground, and so it's always wet and smelly. This behaviour happens often, but we've never caught whoever is doing it. Last Friday we went to the parking right after it had happened and found it very gross. Obviously, something should be done to deal with it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're convinced the offender is someone who lives in our building as the parking is only accessible with a key or a remote control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But we're not sure how to approach this and get results. We can contact the owner of our apartment but he doesn't live here, and we wouldn't want to bother him with something like this. There are also no cameras in the parking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were thinking of printing several notes and sticking them in the parking as well as in common areas like the building lobby and the elevator, but we can't think of a text that wouldn't come off as passive-aggressive and thus would cause the offender to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we were to communicate with this person through a note we print, what should we say to them, so we encourage them to stop what they're doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, can you suggest an alternative approach to pass the offender the message they can't continue urinating right next to our door?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My location is Bulgaria. The described behaviour is not considered OK here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3737" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T07:42:14.193" Title="How to convey a message that will convince an unknown person to not urinate next to my garage door?" Tags="&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;&lt;bulgaria&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2172" CreationDate="2017-08-20T14:37:42.567" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Asking your landlord about hydrophobic paint may be an option, depending on the shape/angle of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/nov/27/walls-that-pee-back-people-urinate-in-public&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/nov/27/walls-that-pee-back-people-urinate-in-public&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned in the article linked above, hydrophobic paint is a bit of an expensive option, but it can be effective in certain situations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding notes or signs, I think the graphic options espoused by the article are a good idea for a few reasons. (This is the part of the answer where I finally get into the &quot;interpersonal&quot; part of the solution -- with apologies for not doing so earlier.) Some advantages of a graphic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It avoids the pitfalls of using words, then accidentally getting the tone wrong or sounding like you're blaming a specific person&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is more universally understandable. A graphic of a wall back-splashing on someone is understandable even by a person who cannot read or does not understand the main language in an area&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It can inject a bit of humor into the situation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3744" LastEditorUserId="3744" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T05:32:12.477" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T05:32:12.477" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-20T14:53:18.427" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm being asked this question frequently, and after having tried many variations, this is my current typical response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know a lot of bad parents and I see their children suffer. We know ourselves and we know that we would be bad parents. Our children would suffer, so we choose to not have any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will make most people uncomfortable (which is what I want, because they asked me an unpleasant question). However, some other people will reply that it is not true that you would be bad parents, or that it doesn't matter and you should have children anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my next response is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The actual reason is that we tried with no success. We've seen doctors, and it turned out that we are both basically sterile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This response makes almost everybody uncomfortable. Unfortunately, some people are unstoppable and they will suggest adopting children. It happened only once to me, I replied:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Certainly not: we would never love an adopted children like a real one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, you will appear as a bad person, but this will stop the person to make any other question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3746" LastEditorDisplayName="user3746" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T15:33:21.000" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T15:33:21.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2169" CreationDate="2017-08-20T15:42:28.510" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why not just go straight to the point, being polite and nicely say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[ I'm tired / have a lot on my mind / feel more comfortable in a car if I focus on the road ], I'll use this trip to rest and de-stress, I hope you don't mind if I remain silent while you drive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to talk, just say that when you get into the car, and you're done. You won't have to tell you don't want to chitchat as it won't even start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, cab drivers just want to be nice and offer small talks. They think it can please the customer and maybe be rewarded with a bigger tip. They often respect customer's choice and don't bother you (experience based: UK / USA / Some countries in Europe and Asia).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you say it with no intention of being rude, carefully choose your words, it won't be misunderstood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T17:54:04.107" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T17:54:04.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2137" CreationDate="2017-08-20T15:57:44.623" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going by a somewhat liberal definition of &quot;say something&quot; as in both a long silence as well as not getting to the point quickly (and thus being interrupted).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;or are skipped because they take a long time to say something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This decision may also attribute to some unwillingness to speak up. Some people need time to think or may even need to think &quot;out loud&quot;. By skipping them the individual may be given the impression that what they were going to say was unimportant on their first turn to speak. So if the value of their opinion has already been decided, why speak up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3221" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T15:57:44.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2169" CreationDate="2017-08-20T16:14:33.990" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Treat adults as adults. Unless there's evidence for some nontrivial impairment, interact with people in a manner that assumes they know how to navigate the world with a degree of confidence and without having hair-trigger reactions to disinterest by others. Tiptoeing around everything, giving phony excuses, and a fear of offending just stifle social interaction, so avoid these behaviors. Intentionally being rude is just a bit worse than those. Don't uselessly burden his attention and patience with being hard to talk to either, that needlessly puts the stress of trying to keep a conversation going on the cabby. A simple&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Cheers mate, but I'm not really in the mood for chatting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or some straight-to-the-point variation should do. Don't complicate simple things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3654" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T16:14:33.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-08-20T17:48:28.070" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know someone who got drilled about this question constantly for several years by people who tended to utterly and rudely ignore logical answers, and while the answer she eventually found most effective was specific to her, I have tried to generalize it here into something that could work for anyone. Here is what you do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look very seriously at the person, nodding your head and saying &quot;mm hmm, mm hmm,&quot; to show that you are taking them seriously. Then, with the straightest face possible, shake your head, sigh and say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My partner and I talked a lot about this, and in the end, we decided it wasn't worth the risk because of my genetics -- you see I ... {{big pause}} ... I don't actually &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; a 24th pair of chromosomes, and I don't want to have a baby who will have to inherit my condition. I'm very lucky to be living the high quality of life I have, all things considered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will very seriously shake their heads, cluck to themselves and say something like &quot;Oh, that's really something. I totally understand. Maybe you can adopt someday.&quot; And then &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; will change the subject for you. (Added benefit: An overly enthusiastic response to this can give a bit of a clue about which of your acquaintances have strong eugenicist leanings -- the better to avoid them.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addendum: It's worth noting that humans generally only have 23 pairs of chromosomes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3744" LastEditorUserId="3744" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T18:09:28.460" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T18:09:28.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2183" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2194" CreationDate="2017-08-20T18:30:14.773" Score="25" ViewCount="9381" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am living in UK university accommodation where everyone has their own room and about 8 or so of us share a kitchen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the course of the year food (including mine) was going missing and because I usually don't socialise with them (I usually hang out in another flat) they seem to have shifted the blame on me. &#xA;Obviously, they have no proof that I did anything but now I've been receiving comments when I pass them along the lines of &quot;Did you enjoy that x you stole?&quot;. Usually, I just respond with a &quot;huh?&quot; and they walk off laughing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I talk to them effectively about this when there's an air of distrust around me?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Should I say something to a higher authority?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3756" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T18:53:48.503" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T14:03:29.693" Title="How to convince people I'm not stealing their food?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2183" CreationDate="2017-08-20T18:48:31.447" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I say something to a higher authority?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problems like these happen quite commonly in hostels and dorms. And most of the times, they can be solved just by simply talking to the other person(s) regarding this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try and ask them for a casual meeting somewhere, and explain the situation saying that you were not the one stealing the food, and the lack of any proof against you explains the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continue to taunt or bully you even after you explained the situation, then you can go ahead and complain to the higher authorities like the warden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, &lt;strong&gt;first talk&lt;/strong&gt;, before you escalate the situation to the higher authorities.  Probably they have a misconceived impression about you, and they need to know that it is wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="48" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T18:48:31.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2187" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2183" CreationDate="2017-08-20T19:40:02.343" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my &quot;room mates&quot; period, this sounds very familiar. We never blamed anyone, because we did not want to wrongfully accuse someone. Hearing other students, we've found out that we were not the only ones. So, it's safe to say that you are not alone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how the authority can mean anything for you in your country, but here in the Netherlands they'll just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Your own business, that's not my problem&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;About you being acused:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should not worry about it. Learn that only the truth will set you free. &#xA;Of course, you are free to bring it into the group showing you are really hurt about it. ( There is a huge possibility that they'll keep going on. It depends on wether they like you or not ) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want you to share an article about it. It's written by Audrey Hunt, a psychologist from the UCLA. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://pairedlife.com/problems/How-to-Cope-With-Being-Blamed-For-Something-You-Didnt-Do&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://pairedlife.com/problems/How-to-Cope-With-Being-Blamed-For-Something-You-Didnt-Do&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this article she said, and i quote:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;strong&gt;You don't need to prove your innocence&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is also my official answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PS:&lt;/strong&gt; Since I do not know you personally, there is also the possibility that you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; the thief. ( I do not accuse as well. ) In that case, do not use this advice. Instead, follow a new one: Immediately stop stealing and if you are brave enough, apologize to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3198" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T20:42:56.323" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T20:42:56.323" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2150" CreationDate="2017-08-20T20:09:12.863" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that if you are a connoisseur of spices and food that is &lt;em&gt;picante&lt;/em&gt;, then you should be able to name the spiciest dish or the hottest chili pepper you are comfortable eating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without bragging or coming across as someone who is defending their manhood, in a matter-of-fact voice simply state that you have eaten XYZ dish in India/Thailand/Vietnam/Mexico etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have never eaten in any of the aforementioned countries and feel uncomfortable about fibbing, then say you have eaten home cooking, i.e &lt;em&gt;“&lt;strong&gt;real&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; XYZ” in a [nationality] family. For example, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've had &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://hispanickitchen.com/2014/05/07/chilate-de-pollo-braised-chicken-in-a-spicy-guajillo-broth/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;chilate de pollo&lt;/a&gt; in a Mexican home. Trust me, no punches were pulled! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-08-20T21:29:46.303" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T21:29:46.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-20T22:30:03.607" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in the workforce for about 30 years now (sigh, used to be the young guy in the office and now I'm the fourth oldest).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, when I talk salary with my peers, nobody really minds sharing. We don't necessarily care about exact numbers but we tend to discuss ranges. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have not yet had anyone be offended by the discussion, and frankly, in my opinion, most people don't mind sharing, but management on the other hand, just freaking hates it, as it leads to questions such as, &quot;why didn't I get more?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, in private/personal discussions with friends and family, most people don't seem to mind sharing salary ranges. In most cases this is public information anyway (via salary surveys).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. I'm in Canada.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3773" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T01:59:39.973" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T01:59:39.973" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2183" CreationDate="2017-08-20T22:58:48.983" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's unfortunate that they are stooping to petty remarks in passing. I myself wouldn't tolerate that (&quot;Huh?&quot; won't stop them.) I would ask them politely not to accuse you of anything you have not done and that they have no proof of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure you can convince anyone who doesn't want to be convinced that you're innocent. But that shouldn't stop you from proclaiming your innocence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have stated, I think a conversation is in order. I don't know if your flatmates have regular meetings; if they do, put this on the agenda. If they don't, you can propose a meeting to discuss the problem of &lt;em&gt;disappearing&lt;/em&gt; food. (Note, I don't say stolen. The thief/thieves might believe it's not really &lt;em&gt;&quot;stealing&quot;&lt;/em&gt; but more like &lt;em&gt;&quot;borrowing&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, but 'forgetting' to replace it. That saves face.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you're together (not all need to be present) be careful how you approach the problem; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/community-features/common-questions/578-why-is-pointing-out-the-truth-so-difficult.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;don't imply anyone is lying&lt;/a&gt;. That only leads to defensiveness. Just start the gathering as a brainstorming session about disappearing food. Explain that some of your own food has gone missing, and give specific examples if you can, the more recent, the better (specifics give the appearance of truth.) If someone accuses &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; of lying, don't go on the defensive. Just maintain that you have not accused anyone because you don't know who is taking the food. You only know that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;food has gone missing, and  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;some think you are responsible.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't really know if it's even a roommate doing so. It might be a friend of a roommate, who knows?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maintain that you are not responsible, and ask that no one accuse you without evidence, just as you are accusing no one. Redirect to the issue: you're all there to try to come up a constructive way to solve the problem (personally I have never had this problem, so I have no good solution.) Food theft is a common problem in dorms; there are lots of articles on line about it, e.g. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.startribune.com/is-your-roommate-stealing-your-food-there-s-a-cold-hard-way-to-stop-theft/412616453/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;http://college.biggirlssmallkitchen.com/2012/09/5-ways-to-get-your-roommate-to-stop-eating-your-food.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;. Avoid putting forth punitive solutions like adding laxatives to your food; if someone suggests it, say that you don't want to make anyone sick. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There might not be a solution. If you all agree, you might decide to install a camera, or keep your food in locked boxes in your rooms, or even to install a lock on your room door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the meeting goes well, great. If no solutions are offered or accepted, ask if a few of you should meet with the Resident Advisor, or whoever is in charge of solving difficult problems in the dorm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T13:23:21.180" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T13:23:21.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2195" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2183" CreationDate="2017-08-20T23:01:43.797" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would address directly the comments with the comment giver as soon as it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the example you gave of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you enjoy that x you stole?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The only food I ever remove from the fridge is mine.  I'm also disappointed(?) because I've had food taken.  I don't know why you're accusing me of taking the x but I'm happy to hear what you have to say and perhaps we can clear the air between us?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In essence you're declaring your integrity, drawing attention to problem being shared, seeking to understand their perspective and then outlining a path to resolution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3664" LastActivityDate="2017-08-20T23:01:43.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2183" CreationDate="2017-08-21T01:51:07.447" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Huh?&quot; is probably the worst way to deal with this issue. From my experience, I can say that this problem is the handiwork of only one individual with an overactive imagination. I should know, I used to be that over-imaginative person - and seldom right - not very long ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can identify this person as the one who makes the most jokes, laughs the loudest and is generally the chattiest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you identify this person, try taking her/him along to that other flat with you. If you have correctly identified, this person cannot refuse another chance to make some more jokes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From then on, this overactive imagination will become your ally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if this person is the actual thief, then God save you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3782" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T14:03:29.693" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T14:03:29.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2199" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-08-21T02:07:08.077" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Salary is a sensitive subject. When people ask about the salary, mostly it is for knowing the salary range for the kind of job one does. If the person asking for information works in the same field, it is probably to compare their own against ours. There are a few who ask the question directly or indirectly just to know the earning capacity of a person and to guess how rich or average or poor he/she is. It is plainly a status-related question. Either way, I find it difficult when someone me such personal questions. I may earn 200K or 20K. It is nobody's business. It is Personal.Period. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3784" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T02:07:08.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2017-08-21T03:28:03.533" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Evident by the number of varying answers here, you certainly have a lot of directions you could go with a response. Whatever you choose to say should take into account two related but distinct considerations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suit your personality&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Factor in what we in the community organizing community would call your &quot;organizational considerations&quot; – think of this as how you want to leave things with the person asking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first part is easy: if you're a smart aleck, you could throw out some witty, flippant, or humorously evasive answer (see numerous possibilities above); if you're more the brooding or quiet type, you could be more direct about how you feel it's inappropriate for them to ask; etc. I don't know your personality beyond your wording of the question and various comments throughout the page, but what I can guess of your personality is factored into my answer below.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second point is probably due more consideration on your part. Can the person in question be of help to you in the future or do you have other reasons to not respond in a way that might otherwise, based on your personality alone, be flippant or dismissive? As the question is likely asked by numerous different people, with whom you have numerous kinds of relationships (and so, you'll have to figure this out every time), I cannot really go much further. Please advise in comments if you need more clarification about how this works, but I think you get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, I advise the following, to be adjusted as need by the two points above:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To be honest, it's probably less than you'd expect. Beyond that, with respect, I would rather not talk specifics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could add that ranges can easily be found online and maybe specify your specialty or some field terminology to give them a nudge in the right direction – querying Dr. Google can be challenging without specifics. And if your answer feels like it needs some upbeat follow-up, you could add, &quot;but if you want to talk tech, I could go around with you for hours!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T17:31:34.280" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T17:31:34.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1261" CreationDate="2017-08-21T03:33:29.553" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Workplace communication has to be really professional. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone shouts at you, unless he is a personal friend of yours - which is also not acceptable in a professional setting, there is no reason for you to feel obliged to pacify him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually refrain myself from engaging in any serious discussion with such people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His anger issues are not your problem. You don't have to take the wrath. By that, I don't mean to say that you should avoid totally him. Please maintain a distance with him! All we can do is change our behaviour towards such people to protect ourselves from getting emotionally harmed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, hey..if you are really friends with the person and would like to help him through his issues, that is a totally different kettle of fish! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3784" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T05:13:52.150" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T05:13:52.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1986" CreationDate="2017-08-21T03:37:20.097" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My extended family had a rule that covered this sort of thing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No politics or religion at the dinner table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which was pretty strictly enforced by my grandmother because such topics didn't make for what she called &quot;polite conversation&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's an antiquated point of view by today's standards, but there's some wisdom there. People are going to argue when some topics come up, one way or the other, and sometimes it's worthwhile to just set them aside for the sake of getting together as a family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend shutting it down the same way my grandmother used to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This isn't the time or place. No politics or religion at the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted you may not be 'at the table', but simply reminding people that it isn't the time or place for the conversation is a pretty good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Amusing anecdote...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Family matriarchs have an amazing ability to put the breaks on these things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember getting together with my former in-laws during the last election cycle. The very right-leaning members of the family were going on about, then candidate, Trump. Eventually my ex-wife's grandmother had enough and said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That man is just stupid and cruel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which totally ended the conversation. Nobody was going to challenge Grandma....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T03:37:20.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2204" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-21T04:14:24.873" Score="33" ViewCount="10113" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a man of few words, very introverted, and prefer to work in silence where possible (my own silence, music is a must have but I normally wear headphones to avoid bothering others).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not that I don't like people, I get along well with just about everyone and enjoy making others laugh where possible. However, I am definitely the type of person who will not say anything unless it contributes something of value to a conversation/meeting or is a safe bet to get a laugh. I have managed to go weeks without saying anything at work beyond the friendly &quot;Good Morning / Good night&quot; on my way in or out every day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a relatively talkative office with regular meetings, it can appear as though I am rude or not engaged in the business even though I am. What can I do, besides fundamentally changing who I am as a person, to appear less distant in social/work situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3787" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T04:57:17.287" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T11:13:01.943" Title="How do I continue to be quiet without being rude?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;new-zealand&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2204" CreationDate="2017-08-21T04:49:02.760" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you need to do anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't give any indication that your coworkers actually think this of you, so I think you may be concerned when it's unwarranted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work in an office hallway (in the US) with about 30 occupants. I'm at the front desk and see everyone coming into the area so I say &quot;hi&quot; and &quot;bye&quot; to just about everyone multiple times per day. Some of the people in the hallway are very chatty and love to talk about work or the stuff going on in their personal lives... others I just see come and go and never talk to them at all - some of them don't even say &quot;bye&quot; at the end of the day. I accept that's how they are and don't pry unless I need to ask them about something. Not being talkative doesn't imply that you're not engaged in your work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important way you show to your coworkers that you're engaged is by actually doing your work and being responsive when they need your assistance. If they message or email you and you respond quickly and helpfully with a friendly tone, you're going to be appreciated and no one will think you're being rude or disconnected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where you run into problems is when you respond to their requests dismissively or slowly. So, unless you're hearing people complain that you're not pulling your weight, I think you should just keep trucking along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're really concerned that your coworkers think you're rude for not interacting with them more, I recommend that you talk to someone in the office who you're comfortable asking about this and see if they think this is the case or if they've heard anyone say anything of the sort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T04:49:02.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2204" CreationDate="2017-08-21T04:56:07.543" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm very much like you. I don't talk unless I have to. My words are scarce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's safe to assume that you're doing okay so far and that people aren't considering you as a rude employee. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would make you actually appear rude is if you give curt or one-word responses to people trying to make small talk. That is, if a coworker comes to you saying &quot;How are you doing?&quot;, don't just throw at them an &quot;I'm fine.&quot; reply, but be more welcoming, as in &quot;I'm fine, thank you, and how are you?&quot; with a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And such little things can add up to maintaining an image for you that shows that you are a good person but simply doesn't talk much unless talked to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, I would recommend actually trying to have some occasional chats with at least a few of your coworkers. Socialising is not just for you to have fun, it is also to create a network of people you can reach out to later on when you might need their company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The more bridges you build, the better.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T05:01:20.763" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T05:01:20.763" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1948" CreationDate="2017-08-21T05:52:07.177" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I won't even pretend to have seen this type of situation, because in India men are not supposed to hug any women except their immediate family, nor even shake hands with unrelated women (though men shaking hands with women is nowadays allowed in college classrooms and in corporate settings): However OP @Catija has specifically asked for a referenced answer over personal experience...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... so unlike some of the previous 'intelligently speculative' answers, &lt;strong&gt;I am taking you straight to a published article written by a woman who has analyzed the precise phenomenon in your question.&lt;/strong&gt; Note that the article is long and detailed and nominally deals with the so-called professional setting, but it could be well applied to the social setting as well, and explains really well  most of the phenomena you have described, &lt;strong&gt;from a woman's perspective.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As in, it's quite convincing, though you can make up your own mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Catherine LeClair&lt;/strong&gt;, article titled &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I’m A Woman, Shake My Hand, Damn It&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; [8/03/17 1:41pm] at &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://adequateman.deadspin.com/i-m-a-woman-shake-my-hand-damn-it-1796885540&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://adequateman.deadspin.com/i-m-a-woman-shake-my-hand-damn-it-1796885540&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Based on the earlier answers and this very perceptive article, I think most well-intentioned men who shake hands with other men but hug women, do so because they want to signal 'equality' with men and 'affection' with women.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; Men don't want to shake hands with women because it would signal equality, which is conflicting to them, but also because it might portray them as cold and unemotional in this 'age of instant warmth', which is also why women often submit to being hugged even when they should really &lt;em&gt;prefer to signal independence&lt;/em&gt; by shaking hands with men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notable extracts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A boozy office party was starting to dwindle (...) I stuck out my hand for a handshake when my turn came. (...) He looked down at my hand and laughed, and then opened his arms for a hug. I laughed too, undercutting my social experiment for fear of embarrassing one or both of us, and accepted the embrace. The incident wasn’t a big deal; my co-worker is a close enough friend that the hug didn’t feel out of line. But others I’d received in the past from men in professional settings had felt less natural and more invasive, and from talking to other women, I’m definitely not alone. (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“There was a lot more personal space years ago,”(...) &quot;[but now]we’re all supposed to be bubbly, and somehow a hug really reflects bubbliness,” [Lizzie] Post, the etiquette expert, told me. She described some of the ways in which casual culture has raised the standard for cheerfulness: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All our emails are punctuated with gifs, and a period at the end of a text message reads like a death stare. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If that’s the case, Post wondered, perhaps hugs are just some men’s clumsy way of showing women that they don’t hate them? “It doesn’t have to be unfriendly just because it doesn’t come with exclamation points. I think that the hug is a physical extension of our overuse of emoji and exclamation points.” (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I spoke with one staffer for a congresswoman, who recounted for me the gendered interactions both she and her boss regularly face in Washington. “What bothers me the most is seeing my boss as a female member of Congress who is trying to move up in leadership still be kissed and hugged in professional meetings by lobbyists or other stakeholders,” she told me. (...) That’s practically part of the job, to act way happier and nicer than you feel. And if she hadn’t done so, she would have been punished for it, called inaccessible and unemotional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That’s something that isn’t just reserved for dignitaries, either. Women’s struggle with a likability double standard has been well-documented. When it comes to choosing between your personal comfort level and accommodating someone else’s ego, it can be hard to stand your ground and risk your reputation. Most of the time I find myself giving into the expectation that I be cheerful and chill. (...)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One self-proclaimed hugger believes his embraces are both an extension of his personality and a secret weapon that has helped him find professional success. “I’m a pretty outgoing, and I’d like to think warm-and-friendly person,” he explained.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Summary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Men hug women because they’re afraid of coming off as cold or disinterested [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go on and read &lt;a href=&quot;http://adequateman.deadspin.com/i-m-a-woman-shake-my-hand-damn-it-1796885540&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the whole very interesting article here&lt;/a&gt; remembering that it is frequently divided by advertisements: so don't stop till you reach the end of the page!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, what happens when women buck the status quo by refusing to offer up a hug? “I often get an awkward wave from males,” one female professional in the environmental science field told me, “but I hold out my hand even more awkwardly until they shake it.” &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last line: &lt;strong&gt;Catherine LeClair&lt;/strong&gt; concludes her article thusly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We’re all in this mess together, which means it’s up to both men and women to work our way out. I’ll try to stand up for myself and insist on foregoing a hug when I don’t want to be hugged. And &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; can start by shaking my hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-01T06:41:19.090" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T06:41:19.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2208" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-21T06:07:09.790" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The autism spectrum is a broad range of conditions caused by atypical sensory processing. One of the most prominent symptoms of autism is social impairment as people on the spectrum often lack the intuition about others that many people take for granted. Due to how broad the spectrum of autism is, two people on different parts of the spectrum may display remarkably different levels of social skill. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used to indicate either the person asking the question has autism, or the person the poster is seeking advice about has autism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3790" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-07-05T17:33:42.370" LastActivityDate="2019-07-05T17:33:42.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2209" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-21T06:07:09.790" Score="0" Body="For questions relating to or asked by people on the autism spectrum (this includes what was previously known as &quot;Asperger&quot;, as well as &quot;high functioning&quot; and &quot;low functioning&quot; autism)." OwnerUserId="3790" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2020-12-16T10:02:29.423" LastActivityDate="2020-12-16T10:02:29.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2211" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2215" CreationDate="2017-08-21T06:35:14.760" Score="19" ViewCount="24303" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will sometimes ask a friend how their day was or another question via chat message.  Sometimes the message will be marked as read but then they don't respond for a few day or even longer (6 months).  I will see they are online, but hear nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From college, I have learned that when a friend is ignoring me it is because I did something wrong and upset them, but they never call me out on it or tell me what I did wrong.*  Now when someone doesn't respond when they have had a chance to I start to panic that I did something wrong, but they won't respond and tell me what I did if I did.  How can I determine if they are ignoring me because I did something wrong vs ignoring me because they need time away from me vs just too busy to respond?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Eventually I would be annoying enough that we would sit down and have a meeting about what happened.  We would usually discover that I did or said something based that was interpreted differently from what I meant.  Often the difference was because I didn't understand how something is normally interpreted or I was just using logic.  It was a few years later I was diagnosed with autism...which makes more sense to them now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Culture is USA, I am in the midwest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3790" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T04:43:50.567" LastActivityDate="2019-08-02T13:24:25.297" Title="Message being seen but not responded, what is the correct response?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;instant-messaging&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2214" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2211" CreationDate="2017-08-21T07:08:34.827" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may be making a mountain out of a mole hill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just a (chat/text/etc) message, especially if it's &lt;em&gt;&quot;how their day was&quot;&lt;/em&gt; that's not usually a vitally important question, so answering it probably isn't very important. Not answering it at all might not be unusual or rude. I'd assume that everyone's too busy to respond to a &quot;how was your day&quot; chat message without thinking they secretly held a grudge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe their chat program wasn't working right. Maybe it crashed &amp;amp; lost messages. Maybe it just &quot;marked all as read&quot; and they didn't really read it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask them the next time you talk to or see them. Like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi you! [brief small talk]. Did you see the chat message I sent earlier?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A whole sit-down meeting isn't required, in fact, that could be awkward if it's just about a &quot;how was your day&quot; chat message. (Personally, that could look like a red flag.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really are upset they really should say something about it. You could ask them about the last time you saw them, like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wasn't that party last week fun&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The Empire State building sure does smell funny now, remember?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's their opportunity to say something about it, without feeling like they're bringing it up just to talk about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3536" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-23T11:35:22.793" LastActivityDate="2018-11-23T11:35:22.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2215" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2211" CreationDate="2017-08-21T07:15:05.983" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is tons of reason why the message is marked as read but you did not get a response. One of the reason is as Rory Alsop mentioned in the comment. Perhaps your friend is being busy at that moment and just forgot to respond at the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are not obligated to reply to one's message after reading it. If you do really are concern, you should take initiative and ask them about it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;A simple message as a reminder for them will do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is: Don't overthink the issue and move on.&#xA;Learn to accept that being ignored is part of life helps you not being bothered by such small matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; English is not my native language, but since Bradley Wilson suggested, I will try to compile some simple message to get their attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the previous message is about a news/article and you wanted their opinion :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey did you read the news/article? What's your thought about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is about a date/gathering :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So are you interested in joining the dinner/gathering on XXX?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is no specific topic to mentioned about :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey! It's been a while, how do you do / how are things going / how is it going / how it goes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be creative and sounds formal. People would probably reply to formal message more often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really care/cherish the friendship, you will eventually think of something to begin the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 2:&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;WARNING: this might be inaccurate but just an extra advise for OP based on what I noticed from OP comments.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OP, perhaps she is just being busy as you mentioned she just quit her job.&#xA;Probably she is busying looking for a new job, or she might need some time to be alone for the moment. Just be patient and wait for her response, she will reply to you eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3285" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-23T11:32:57.857" LastActivityDate="2018-11-23T11:32:57.857" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2172" CreationDate="2017-08-21T07:33:50.693" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-the-illusion-of-being-observed-can-make-you-better-person/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;low tech route&lt;/a&gt; first. Place a poster with eyes on it at the spot, and see what happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A group of scientists at Newcastle University, headed by Melissa Bateson and Daniel Nettle of the Center for Behavior and Evolution, conducted a field experiment demonstrating that merely hanging up posters of staring human eyes is enough to significantly change people’s behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A poster with eyes seems to say &quot;I am watching you.&quot; It may not be the most direct method, but it is a method of communicating with someone you don't know and don't know how to find.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3796" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T15:34:00.217" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T15:34:00.217" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2217" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2219" CreationDate="2017-08-21T08:26:09.340" Score="24" ViewCount="7912" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my life I come across people that do things that are wrong (and most of the times illegal) like littering, hitting animals, parking on the pavement without leaving an inch for pedestrians to pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that when I try to tell them that what they did was wrong, most of the time they become really aggressive and usually yell at me or threaten me. I am against violence and I try not to escalate things but in the end I get a feeling that they 'won' and that they didn't get their lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, how to deal with people like this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Eastern Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3538" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T09:26:30.130" LastActivityDate="2020-12-18T14:00:20.027" Title="How to deal with a person that does something wrong like littering or hitting a dog and yells at you when you tell them that they did something wrong?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2218" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2217" CreationDate="2017-08-21T08:37:54.190" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Very carefully and very politely&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the person wasn't aware they did something wrong, then you appearing helpful and polite might help them learn, and should help keep them from becoming aggressive and yelling. You might be mistaken about their behaviour being &quot;wrong&quot; too.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they know what they're doing is wrong then clearly they don't care that you saw them, and anything beyond a sentence probably won't change their mind. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they do become aggressive and start yelling at you, nothing good will come from staying and trying to convince them how they're wrong. They're likely to become more aggressive, and it won't be fun to tell people you got hurt or arrested while arguing with some criminal buffoon over parking or littering or wild dogs. So:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Leave&lt;/strong&gt;, maybe while getting your camera out, &lt;strong&gt;but leave&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;[The &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/posts/2219/revisions&quot;&gt;Q was edited&lt;/a&gt; after my original answer, but it started about a guy almost getting attacked by a dog and then kicking the dog. I'll leave my original answer below.]&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these are really crimes, you can take a photo or video and call the police. If you're on vacation in a foreign land the local police will definitely know if it's serious and what to do about it. Or inform the employees of the bar &amp;amp; see what they say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your behaviour of yelling at random strangers, who apparently aren't afraid of crime, probably isn't very safe, I don't recommend it. If you're not more careful [you said &lt;em&gt;&quot;I really didn't want to use any violence (although I really wanted to)&quot;&lt;/em&gt;] then eventually you'll yell at some criminal who's looking for a fight too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds like the guy on the bike almost got attacked by a wild dog (you didn't say it was tied to anything, and its owner didn't do anything), so how do you know you weren't yelling at the victim?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You were on vacation, maybe wild dogs &amp;amp; dog attacks are a serious problem there. Anywhere in the world dog bites can be serious, infections are very common and dogs can maim or kill people. In America and Europe, the owner of a dog who bites someone would get in trouble and could be fined or worse (if there even is an owner). Facing a vicious dog trying to bite you is a time to do anything to protect yourself. If it was a tiny &quot;yappy&quot; toy dog or a Chihuahua that's a little different, but you don't say if it was a Doberman either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking shocked and gasping or saying &quot;oh my!&quot; while taking a picture/video would send the message to any civilized person that their behaviour was not good. If they ignore it, and you have to start shouting at them to &lt;em&gt;&quot;teach them a lesson&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, then they're probably uncivilized, possibly criminals, and will keep shouting back at you or worse (much worse). Eventually one will teach you the lesson that yelling at criminals isn't a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3536" LastEditorUserId="3536" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T10:26:49.467" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T10:26:49.467" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2217" CreationDate="2017-08-21T08:38:58.647" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I highlighted the most important parts put took the liberty to add more precision in case you are interested in the &quot;hidden&quot; mechanics.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Littering, parking on pavement and hitting dogs are very different kind of actions.&#xA;The examples you brought up are quite broad and don't have a lot to do with each other and I believe that the most significant pattern we can draw between them is :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are talking about people that put their impulses/short-term convenience before the law or even manners.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's basically the common trait between the events you describe: You witness people who do what suits them and &lt;strong&gt;don't care about the others regarding the issue&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;Then, you come, saying them, &lt;strong&gt;who are grown-ups&lt;/strong&gt;, that their conduct is wrong. I don't know how you use to present it, what kind of words and tone you use, but even polite notifications make such people in such a situation to &lt;strong&gt;quickly lose their shit&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying you are wrong to point it out to someone when they do things they shouldn't, but you shouldn't be surprised that they don't take it very well. Besides, being told what to do by a stranger is a pretty effective way of losing one's nerve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you actually believe that people who litter or park like assholes don't know it's wrong? Do you believe that you are teaching them something they didn't know and making them a favor? They already know it and yet they still did it. Telling them their wrongs is not going to lead to a better situation. Besides, even though I'm not building conclusions regarding your reasons, a lot of people who do that kind of comments are self-righteous pains in the ass. They are people who shout at you in public to point out how their values or whatever are better than yours. May it be true, it's not a reason to shout it at people and expect somehow a satisfying result. It's arrogant, rude and basically feels like : &quot;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I have to respect these restraining rules so I'm pissed at you not doing it and will do my best to let everyone know as much I'm better than you for doing it, because it makes me sick that some can not follow these rules and get as much respect as I do.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not trying to infer stuff about you, I don't know you. Just try to get how people react, put yourself in their shoes. Get along with the fact that you cannot change people you cross on the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note, I don't know if it has to do with your mindset or simply your way of writing your question but when I read &quot;&lt;em&gt;I still feel though that he didn't get a lesson.&lt;/em&gt;&quot; it tastes weird. Don't try to teach lessons to people who do bad things, all you will accomplish is pissing them off. You might even find troubles with either these people or the police enforcement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR : That's where I answer the main question.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honnest, I don't see much that you can do about that, except maybe pointing it out while remaining as humble as possible. Let me explain myself :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of the tone, suddenly speaking to a stranger qualifying their conduct and stating what they should or shouldn't do is confrontational, whether you intend it or not, and surely you intend it, their is nothing to be afraid of wih that word. Sure being agressive and/or assertive is also going to add more weigh to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How people feel when treated that way, regardless of whether they feel in ther right or not, is humiliation. That's it. Another grown-up is treating them the way grown-ups treat children : by qualifying their conduct and tell them what they should change regarding it. &lt;strong&gt;You are ignoring their adult status, reaping them of it.&lt;/strong&gt; This may not be your goal, but that doesn't make it less real.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your main question was &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;How to deal with that kind of person ?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;The main issue being that your current way of dealing with it is met with agressivity, we should try to solve that particular issue, so lets reword it to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;How can I point out one's uncivil conduct without that person to feel lectures, therefore reacting violently ?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I invite you to confirm if whether or not that question is a good match with your current concern.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can only advise you some elements to focus on to be certain that your reaction is as likely as it can be to have the desired effect (and I wanted to make a list somewhere in that answer, also).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Play the thing in your head beforehand, plan what you will say in advance. Simulation allow us to test stuff without having to deal with the costs and consequences of practically making these tests. That's how we refined our understanding of nuclear explosion without blasting too much landscape. Nuclear explosions and confrontations are alike : knowing beforehand that an attempt will be a disaster can do a great deal to you regarding diplomacy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stay calm. We tend to mirror the mind states of those around us, especially when they confront us. That's an evolutionary treat that prevents us to be caught off guard if violence steps are crossed. It's also what's responsible for escalation. It can happen that the opposing side gets a step or two higher than us because we stressed them. Remaining calm instead of doing the same breaks the escalation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Conflict usually allows only two outputs : fight or flight. Escalation usually happens when the fight output is prefered at any iteration of the cycle, whether it's because of pride or because flight is considered impossible. In that case, the escalation can be prevented y incuding a third output that acts as a safety valve, it's usually an alternative flight that doesn't entach pride.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By making such a thing part of your step forward, you make it possible for the other person(s) to be able to walk away from the conflict or ignore it without feeling that they submit to you. That's why societies like Canada or the UK (among many others) are so obsessive about politeness when interacting with (near) strangers. politeness makes the ground neutral by avoiding personal influence. By make it look like it's no big deal, the situation can stay peaceful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the two elements there are introducing yourself before coming to the real matter - not by name, just some neutral formal thing to set the encounter &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; you introduce the hot stuff - and keeping it neutral. That kind of speech is how grown-ups are supposed to talk and can let a lot of sensitive issues being discussed without most people being stressed out and it can be used in a great variety of interpersonal issues.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then say it only if it feels right to you. If &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A typical speech I would use would be something along these lines :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Sir ! Please excuse me, I know you are busy, but I couldn't help&#xA;  but notice that you parked on a reserved spot. Maybe you didn't notice&#xA;  or are in a hurry, but since it was one of the last available and that&#xA;  it add more pain and bother on a disabled person who would come in the&#xA;  meantime, would you please reconsider your choice to park here ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sure can be refined, but the key points are there :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Introducing the interaction. The words by which you get the person's attention defines how that person will react. If they are violent, it will set the field as a confrontation. If it's polite, you will seem  less agressive and the person won't feel threatened. It's damn important as otherwise, whatever you say after will be heared with angry ears. Bonus point for the respect mark, if you give him some &lt;em&gt;Sir&lt;/em&gt;, you are showing respect. &lt;em&gt;excuse me&lt;/em&gt; greases the situation : you are letting yourserlf appearing vulnerable by acting humbly. It can be wasted if the following words are disrespectful - &quot;*Excuse me, but you are parked like a d***head*&quot;, bad move - but otherwise it gives the other person the initiative so they can stay calm for the moment. Also, by aknowledging that the person might be busy, you are showing that you also value that person's time, which is also important. It implies that you wouldn't intervene if it wasn't important and that you consider the other person as a human being with their own agenda and stuff to do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Attesting the issue. You go one step further by throwing a neutral assertion, in that case a quick and objective description of what you saw. You don't put blames, don't make conclusions, just attest. That kind of statement is a good way to continue the introduction of the interaction as it is neutral and still allowes you to explain the situation. Make it objective and straight to the point, don't point fingers, don't put blame, just describe. You have no audience to convince you are right, just another person to convince that they did the wonrg thing, no need to antagonize them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Since you are still implying that the person behaved wrongly, you can come up with possible justifications for their actions that would be valid, as it serves a double purpose. First, you prevent escalation by leaving them a safe exit : they can always answer you &quot;&lt;strong&gt;yes, in fact I dodn't notice&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; or &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Indeed, I'm in a hurry and won't have for more than five minutes&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; if they don't want to escalate, that's the safety valve. Second, by forcing yourself to wonder for what valid reasons they might have behaved that way, you force yourself to see them as the human beings with their own life which makes your tone more credible and you calm yourself in the event that it made you mad by realizing that maybe they aren't that bad or that wrong - even if maybe/surely they are.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give them a plain and simple reason for them to do otherwise that has nothing to do with you. People won't have the impression of submitting to your biding if you ask them to do it for somebody else, like a potential disabled person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't ask them to do X. Ask them to reconsider doing it after you exposed them what they did and the reason why it's your opinion that they should have done something else. Children are told to do things. Adults share opinions and let each other do their own choices based on them. By simply asking people to reconsider their course of actions after having - nicely - listen to your opinion, you are also valueing their thinking process and respecting their ability and right to act accordingly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I hope it can help you with your issue. I know that it takes some practice to apply these guidelines in all situations and I admit that I do myself get confrontational in the heat of the moment only to regret it afterwards, but maybe it can help to know the underlying gears.&#xA;If I had only one advice, it would be to always keep in mind that other people are... well... other people... They have their own mind, opinions, background and impulses, just like you and me. Sometimes, all it takes is one to find back their calm to deescalate something, and that takes more courage than it should.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="2705" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T12:44:36.493" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T12:44:36.493" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2172" CreationDate="2017-08-21T09:10:28.643" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Edit: This answer specifically addresses the &lt;em&gt;&quot;Or, can you suggest an alternative approach to pass the offender the message they can't continue urinating right next to our door?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; part of the original question. Especially considering that they have never even seen the offender, have no idea if the offender is a resident, a homeless person, or even a person at all, a note alone is unlikely to have any effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The message is &lt;strong&gt;don't stand around and pee here&lt;/strong&gt;, and it's delivered by cayenne pepper being unpleasant if you're close enough to the wall to urinate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, try and clean up any urine from the area. Soap and water, vinegar, maybe even a 10% bleach solution after should get it smelling like something other than urine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try sprinkling &lt;strong&gt;cayenne powder&lt;/strong&gt; all around the area, even on the wall at a person's nose level. Maybe mixed with a little water to make a &quot;paste&quot; or &quot;paint&quot; to stick to the wall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's an animal, they hopefully won't want to be around all the cayenne and will leave. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's a person, they'll see that you've cleaned the area and you care, and will know that you're doing something about the urination. They could smell the cayenne too and leave, especially if they get close enough to the wall or lean on it, especially if they're drunk then smelling cayenne &amp;amp;/or getting it on themselves (while leaning) might be the only thing they'll actually notice.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Optionally adding a brief note saying &quot;&lt;em&gt;Please don't pee here&lt;/em&gt;&quot; may help or may just antagonize the offender into worse behavior. A note with &quot;&lt;em&gt;Do Not Step on Powder&lt;/em&gt;&quot; (optionally with &quot;&lt;em&gt;Caution:&lt;/em&gt;&quot;) might scare them into staying away or might get you in trouble too. But if it's an animal, notes will have no effect. If the cleaning and powder alone doesn't work, try a note later anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think installing a security camera and light (a great answer IMO, I upvoted &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/2173/3536&quot;&gt;Wizard79's answer&lt;/a&gt;) is the best answer, at least to find out who/what's really responsible, but trying this &quot;scent deterrent&quot; should be an easier, cheaper, and faster idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3536" LastEditorUserId="3536" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T09:59:14.350" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T09:59:14.350" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2217" CreationDate="2017-08-21T09:31:10.457" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One problem about approaching people and telling them that they are wrong is that our own assessment sometimes makes us see a clear-cut situation where moral ambiguity exists, and right and wrong are not as simple as we believe. The initial version of your question has an example of that, a situation where a dog is harshly punished after trying to bite a human.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second problem is that it might antagonize them, as you did experience. If you then push it further you are trying to escalate the conflict into violence, which is unwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really are a-holes who will lash out at anyone who points out their errors, the only way to make them behave instead of lashing out is by having authority. You can have authority based on wearing a uniform, on being bigger and stronger, on having the correct body language, choosing the right tone of voice, etc - keep in mind none of these is sufficient on its own, not even (or especially not) the uniform. Keep your eyes open and you will notice some people who command respect from strangers and others who don't - it's all about body image, body language, the tone of voice, and knowing when not to get involved in a losing battle. Learning how to carry authority when talking to strangers is tricky, but there are courses - some self-defense classes focus on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another important point is to &lt;strong&gt;give them an easy way out&lt;/strong&gt;. Take littering in a park for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you command them to pick up their litter, to them, giving in means they follow your commands. It's also an implicit acknowledgement that they intentionally left it there, so if they already planned to pick up their litter you may actually end up making them not pick it up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you remind them (without snark) they accidentally dropped some litter, they do have the option of picking it up without being &quot;humiliated&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is the second option likely to succeed? Of course not. But it isn't less likely to succeed than the first one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T19:27:25.803" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T19:27:25.803" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2223" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2229" CreationDate="2017-08-21T10:14:58.177" Score="46" ViewCount="20545" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone tells you that they (or their partner) are pregnant, is it rude or impolite to ask if the pregnancy was planned? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I imagine it depends on how close one is to the couple or one of the (future) parents, but there might be cultural differences too. Surely this is also better to ask in private rather than in public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. I am referring to &quot;normal&quot; cases of &quot;stable&quot; partners, and not to more cumbersome situations like teenage pregnancy (admitting that in many cases the latter can be a perfectly voluntary pregnancy too). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3135" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T12:29:33.710" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T12:36:20.073" Title="Is it rude to ask if a pregnancy was planned?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T01:51:57.160" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2224" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2183" CreationDate="2017-08-21T10:23:35.997" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem you face, is that there is real possibility that there are multiple people involved.  Person X takes person Y's food.  Person Y thinks it was person Z, so takes some of theirs ... The problem snowballs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With cameras, proving person X was eating person Y's food is hard; after all, both parties could have the same type of canned tuna.  I wouldn't expect this to lead to anything other than more finger pointing and the reply &quot;but it was my food&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The option that I personally would take is to remove myself entirely from being a victim.  Store your food in a locked container.  If you want to encourage other housemates to do the same so that no one is acting alone; and the containers fit nicely in the fridge, that's up to you; but remove yourself from being a target.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2353" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T14:02:12.287" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T14:02:12.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-21T10:33:20.503" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;It could definitely be seen as rude, I think it is. At the very least it's incredibly intrusive. It seems reminiscent of just asking them &quot;are you going to keep it?&quot; If you're close enough friends to share such details they would have told you their intentions before now anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, you know your friends &amp;amp; your relationship best. If you regularly exchange personal questions (especially about relationships &amp;amp; sex) then maybe you're close enough to ask anything, and this question is fine. If you're not that close, and &lt;strong&gt;if you're concerned it could be a rude question, then it probably is, don't ask.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it was planned, they'll probably tell you themselves (they've been dreaming about it for so long or something similar). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it was unplanned, I don't see why they'd want to tell you. They could even be embarrassed about it or think you'll look down on them, and you'll just make them feel bad by asking.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have some (&lt;em&gt;perhaps unhealthy?&lt;/em&gt;) need and absolutely must know, you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; use some Sherlock Holmes style &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherlock_Holmes#Holmesian_deduction&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Holmesian deduction&lt;/a&gt; and ask some common baby questions you'll probably be talking about anyway, like if they've got all the baby stuff they'll need picked out or if they need any (especially if you have old stuff to give them), if they have a baby room planned, if you can plan a baby shower, etc. If they'll be first-time parents, and if they live somewhere without kids or schools/parks then asking if they'll be moving to a kid-friendly neighbourhood (or kid-safe, away from busy roads) is appropriate (children are prohibited in many condominiums so they may be forced to move). If nothing's ready or even considered you'll have your answer while still being helpful and polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3536" LastEditorUserId="3536" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T19:58:58.410" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T19:58:58.410" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2226" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2172" CreationDate="2017-08-21T10:35:12.533" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say it happens near an abandoned garage right next to you; it leads me to believe they might be selecting that place as a target because it is apparent that no one uses it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might pay off cleaning the entry of your neighbour, and disguise it is not being used to see if they continue to do it on the same spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also investigate if there is a small hole, a loose window, if there are ways to pick the lock, or if someone lost the garage remote control. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A consistent pattern of urinating seems more consistent with a homeless person [or dog] sleeping there, especially because a neighbour knows he can do the deed at home in a minute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T20:35:27.917" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T20:35:27.917" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2204" CreationDate="2017-08-21T11:01:11.270" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who has exactly the same outlook, here are my top three tips for appearing quiet, but friendly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Maintain a small repertoire of information about co-workers&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One fact per person is OK, 2 or 3 for serious contacts. When someone asks you how you are, respond with something like &quot;Fine thanks. I hope your sister is feeling better.&quot; Then nod through the (usually) short reply. It's especially effective in the case of family sickness, they will appreciate you remembered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Use headphones to ignore what you want, be extra attentive when you don't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sitting in the middle of plenty of office gossip, you hear very little and can ignore the rest. When people do bother you, it will tend to be for a valid reason so before talking to them turn the music off/remove the headphones and turn and face them before speaking. If you give them your full attention when they need it, they won't mind when you don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make a joke of it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, recently colleagues had a meeting in a room further away to normal.&#xA;When they came and explained they had been moved rooms (I hadn't even noticed they had gone) my response was &quot;Sorry, I'll keep the noise down in future so you don't have to move away&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It lets them know that you know that they know. If it's clear you are comfortable enough with your quietness to make jokes about it, they won't feel uncomfortable on your behalf, or feel the need to involve you in things you may not want to be. Good co-workers don't want anyone to feel left out, but if it is clear you are happy left alone and won't feel aggrieved most will be equally happy to accommodate you without a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show you care a little&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be unhelpful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it clear you are happy being quiet&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you will have problems rarely if ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3815" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T11:49:45.727" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T11:49:45.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2183" CreationDate="2017-08-21T11:03:01.800" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;They don't know you very well if they just accuse you like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think a one possibility would be to actually steal some food. Make it something small, do it during a time that gives you an additional reason (the shops were closed and I was sooooo hungry) or something. Then the very next day go to the person it belonged to with a replacement item, tell them that you took their food and you feel terrible and try to explain why you did it and that you will never do it again. Make sure you convey how sorry you are for taking that small bit of food and make sure to actually replace it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that they'll find it a lot harder to blame you when they just witnessed your reaction when you actually do steal food. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course it's a bit dishonest, but if you think that this would be what you would do if it really ever did come to that (and i strongly feel this would be the right way to react after stealing someone's food), you might be able to think about it as just a little demonstration of what you know to be true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2165" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T11:03:01.800" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-21T11:16:09.257" Score="103" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bluntly, most people will see it as very rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if it's not your intention, it's as if you were asking if that pregnancy was rather the result of an informed choice following a measured reflection or their failing to use birth control and then trying to make a mistake pass as a success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they want you to know if it was planned or not, they will tell you. What should solely matter to you is that they want that child, or else they would have had an abortion and you would never have heard of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T21:24:54.353" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T21:24:54.353" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2230" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2204" CreationDate="2017-08-21T11:37:47.300" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I do to appear less distant in work situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be professional, that's enough in most cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do a good job.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be helpful to others.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be nice and polite.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Answer quickly (or let them know why you can't and how long before you can do it).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can find great advices, and some other POV, just check some Q/A on The WorkPlace, like &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/86781/people-hate-me-for-concentrating-on-work/86783#86783&quot;&gt;concentrating on work&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/33562/how-to-mix-up-and-be-friendly-with-colleagues&quot;&gt;be friendly with colleagues&lt;/a&gt;, or search the site over there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I do to appear less distant in social situations at work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you care, but feel like people don't perceive it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say that &lt;strong&gt;action speaks louder than words&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to many articles &lt;sup&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://books.google.fr/books?id=hohWDQAAQBAJ&amp;amp;lpg=PT132&amp;amp;ots=N9iur_cQBI&amp;amp;dq=psychology%20giving%20small%20gifts%20workplace&amp;amp;hl=fr&amp;amp;pg=PT133#v=onepage&amp;amp;q=psychology%20giving%20small%20gifts%20workplace&amp;amp;f=false&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt;  &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-your-team-work/201312/give-or-not-give-unwrapping-issues-gifts-work&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;2&lt;/a&gt;  &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.davisenterprise.com/special-editions/gift-giving-can-strengthen-bonds-in-the-workplace/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;3&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;, small gifts help and strengthen bonds in the workplace. I'm not talking about spending a lot of money here. Rather making small steps towards your colleagues. &lt;strong&gt;With little reasonable efforts, you make people happy&lt;/strong&gt;. If that's what you want. And you don't need to change yourself as a person. Once in a while, do something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be amongst the 1st to send a congratulations email (birthday / anniversary / birth / vacation...).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make a nice card to your colleague(s) to celebrate anything nice that happened to the team.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be the one that brings some homemade cookies (or just buy some if you don't bake).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be the one that sometimes asks for a quick after-work drink.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything that will make your colleagues gather together. Even once a month is enough, it shows them that you care, even if you don't say it all the time. I was doing that once in a while, and just to make sure, used to mention: &lt;strong&gt;Guess who? from the one that never talks in the office&lt;/strong&gt; :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T11:48:34.107" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T11:48:34.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2231" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2172" CreationDate="2017-08-21T12:05:49.933" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bring it up with the owner/landlord&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are trying to communicate with the wrong party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, the best solution is not to pick a fight yourself, especially because this is not &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; fight. Walk away, let the person who is responsible for the building handle it. You do not have the authority to install security cameras yourself, not in shared spaces at least. Neither is it your responsibility to discuss this with other tenants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its also not your responsibility to educate anyone. If this really is done by another tenant, leaving a note will likely either have no effect whatsoever (because you do not have the authority to tell anybody what to do) or outright start a fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also do not know for sure if it is another tenant, an animal, or a homeless person (yes, they get in, even in locked spaces). So &lt;em&gt;don't throw around accusation you have no proof for&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So bring it up with your landlord. Mention the smell and possibly other things. Take pictures, and make notes every time this happens. Collect your evidence to present it to your landlord and make it clear that you want him to remedy this situation. Let the landlord form his own hypothesis as to what causes this and how he wants to approach the situation. people are more likely to help you if you not only present a problem, but also a potential solution - so feel free to mention security cameras (even only fake ones) as one possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure what Bulgarian renter rights are. If your landlord does not remedy the situation, that is another question, but it might not be an interpersonal one, but a legal one. Deducting rent is the way to go in Germany if the landlord does not cooperate, I do not know about Bulgarian renter rights, so possibly read up on that to find out what ways you have to make your landlord help you if he doesn't want to do so voluntarily (or, if you can't, either revisit this site or Law.SE).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not fight fire with fire. Publicly shaming anybody is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; the right way to deal with this (no, you do not make a YouTube channel about it), revenge is not the right way to deal with it (no, do not try to find out who does this and pee in his garage) and neither is putting up other substances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not use childish or petty behavior. Stay classy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2020" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T07:42:14.193" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T07:42:14.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2232" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2233" CreationDate="2017-08-21T12:11:33.863" Score="40" ViewCount="12051" Body="&lt;p&gt;Our son is 6 years old. One of the other kids in his class is a bully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This other boy (we'll call him Walter) likes to sneak up on my son, and physically hurt him.  Sometimes Walter will punch him in the belly.  Other times Walter will grab my son's hand and bend it back at the wrist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have discussed this issue with one of the assistant teachers (the teacher is rarely there when we are), we started with &quot;our son claims that another student has been punching him. We told him that he should tell the teacher, and he says that he has, but that the other student then tells the teacher that my son was the one who was misbehaving.&quot; The assistant teacher responded with &quot;Is it Walter?&quot; to which we said &quot;yes.&quot; She then said &quot;I'm not surprised. He's sneaky&quot;.  So it seems very likely that this isn't just a &quot;he said, she said&quot; type of situation.  We've also heard similar reports about Walter's behavior from other parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've spoken with the teacher repeatedly, and she tries to keep them separated, but that seems to be the extent of what she's willing to do.  They'll be leaving to go to different schools soon, so attempts to escalate the matter within the school are generally met with &quot;it will resolve itself soon&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have been working with my son on how to handle it, and we've started him on martial arts classes to give him more physical confidence, so I'm not worried about that aspect of the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, Walter's father occasionally tries to be social, and has invited my son to Walter's birthday party.  There's even been talk of play-dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've listened to this man brag about how well-behaved Walter is, and how smart he is for knowing to keep what he's learned from his wrestling lessons out of school, so it seems his father is completely clueless about Walter's actual behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no way my son is going to Walter's birthday (I asked him, and he doesn't want to), or over to their house to play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd really like to let this guy know what his son is really like, and describe some of the bullying behavior.  What is the best way to broach this subject with the father?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T19:15:48.630" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T08:13:40.047" Title="How do I tell other parents that their child is a bully?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="17" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2233" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2232" CreationDate="2017-08-21T12:31:55.687" Score="58" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you should disclose that information to the dad as you inform him that your son will come to neither the play-dates nor birthday party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that the father states that his son doesn't use his wrestling training at school and him inviting your son, &lt;strong&gt;I assume that he is genuinely not knowing what happens&lt;/strong&gt;, especially since the school seems unlikely to have reached to him. Maybe the mother knows, if there is one, but however you turn it, the dad doesn't seem to be dishonest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, you may both benefit from you exposing him the situation, clearly and objectively:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your son won't attend the said events.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That is because he is scared of being in Walter's vicinity.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Because he gets already beaten and hurts, in quite creative ways by the way, while there are other children and several adults around, and is more than anxious at the idea of being - eventually alone - with him in his own house.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you keep it objective and informative without putting the blame on the father, chances are that he may be receptive to the information, especially if the school can confirm - &lt;strong&gt;finally doing their job&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;Since you wouldn't be provoking the facts but merely reporting them, a rational father would surely be glad that you brought the issue to his attention so that he can begin to do something about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you keep it non-confrontational, it may work, especially considering that he is proud of the fact that his son doesn't misuse wrestling, it may not seems a lot by from that I assume that &lt;strong&gt;he would be against his son fighting out of the wrestling lessons and contests&lt;/strong&gt;, especially against untrained &lt;em&gt;opponents&lt;/em&gt;. Besides, &lt;strong&gt;keep in mind that every time the father brags about his son being so well-behaving and responsible regarding his wrestling lessons, he is going to feel dumber when you reveal the truth to him&lt;/strong&gt;. You are currently aware of a fact that he isn't aware of and you haven't yet shared that information with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sooner you invite him to be a part of the solution, the best it is for everyone involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope your problem reaches a resolution soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="3901" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T04:47:41.277" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T04:47:41.277" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2235" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2237" CreationDate="2017-08-21T13:49:12.820" Score="24" ViewCount="8482" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend at work who I often get the bus with. When he gets off the bus at our stop, he never says a word to the driver.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this would be considered rude (we're British) and I'm actually embarrassed when he doesn't recognise somebody providing a service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to approach my friend about this but I'm not sure what the best way to go about it is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: He literally just walks off the bus without saying a thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3835" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-04-01T13:35:04.043" LastActivityDate="2019-04-01T13:35:04.043" Title="How to speak to my friend who's rude to bus drivers?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2236" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2235" CreationDate="2017-08-21T13:51:40.150" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Speak by example&lt;/strong&gt;. Get on and off immediately &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; your friend, and be &lt;strong&gt;very polite&lt;/strong&gt; to the driver (e.g. saying something like &quot;&lt;em&gt;are you alright?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and &quot;&lt;em&gt;have a good day&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, respectively). Your friend will very likely become curious about your attitude and might ask you about it. Then you got your chance to tell him/her why you think this is good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3135" LastEditorUserId="3135" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T13:42:27.183" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T13:42:27.183" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2235" CreationDate="2017-08-21T13:52:58.727" Score="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a UK native, to me, it can be considered impolite to not say thank you to the bus driver, but &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I wouldn't consider it rude&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Your friend might not be doing it on purpose. Being rude to the bus driver would be purposely saying rude things to him, rather than just walking off the bus. There is no expectation to say thank you on the bus driver's part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;You can only set an example by doing so yourself rather than explicitly calling him out on it&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. It'd be a different story if it was hospitality staff, who were providing a service to you individually rather than a group of the general public.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T07:27:35.293" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T07:27:35.293" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2211" CreationDate="2017-08-21T13:58:33.323" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often forget to answer such meaningless messages. It's not personal. I have probably read the message while I was busy, maybe at work, maybe shopping, maybe talking to someone else. I put my phone away, continue with what I am doing &lt;em&gt;right now&lt;/em&gt;. Fast forward half an hour later, maybe even 2-3 hours later when I finish what I was doing. Since your message had no remarkable content what so ever, I have probably completely forgotten about it since I'm already pre-occupied with something else (making dinner or whatever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, if you want to maintain relationships with people, you need to make things more engaging than &quot;How are you doing? / How was your day?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you know the other party is home in the evening, pick up your phone and &lt;em&gt;call&lt;/em&gt;. Its much more personal than texting, and it engages people. You quickly notice if they are put off by it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If calling isn't an option, make sure your texts are worthwhile to reply to. I get asked how my day was on a constant basis - by my parents, my close friends, my partner. Rehashing that once again isn't all that interesting. Not for me, and not really for you, either. Talk about something else. Do you have similar interests? For example, ask if they have seen the new movie on franchise X (Star Wars, Marvel, whatever, if they happen to like movies from that franchise), and whether they liked it. Or if there was a convention nearby, ask if they have gone there and how that was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are somewhat close by, make sure to actually do something together &lt;em&gt;in person&lt;/em&gt; from time to time. I'm much more likely to respond to a text asking me when I'm available for activity X, because that's important. It sticks in my head (&quot;Remember to text Bob back about going climbing next week&quot;), because it actually requires me to answer and is somewhat engaging, and it might be something I'd actually &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; to do with you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Texting is a &lt;em&gt;tool&lt;/em&gt; to help relationships/friendships going. But if texting meaningless pleasantries is all it's about, then there isn't much substance to it, and people will slowly lose interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, with the prevalence of social media, people get bombarded by messages. That actually makes it harder to maintain &lt;em&gt;meaningful&lt;/em&gt; relationships with other people, not easier, in my experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2020" LastEditorUserId="2724" LastEditDate="2018-06-03T06:29:39.380" LastActivityDate="2018-06-03T06:29:39.380" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2239" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-21T14:06:14.833" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's generally rude, but I'd make exceptions for someone who I am very close to who has talked in depth with me about family planning. But both of these have to be true for the exception to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, a sister firmly in the camp of  &quot;Two is plenty for us, I can't imagine having more,&quot; announces she's pregnant soon after you hear that for the tenth time. In that case, I'd ask &quot;Did you change your minds, or was it a surprise?&quot; Same for someone who had been vociferously against having children. Even in these cases, I would only ask for someone I'm very close to, and who has talked enough about their family planning that I know their (previous) plans. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But for friends or family who had simply not told me what their plans were for having children or had only mentioned them rarely, I'd stick to a &quot;Congratulations!&quot;, &quot;Boy or girl?&quot;, and &quot;When are you due?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2465" LastEditorUserId="2465" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T17:25:56.397" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T17:25:56.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2211" CreationDate="2017-08-21T14:07:36.673" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people simply don't want to be sucked into a continuing instant messaging conversation.  They just want the conversation to have a point, information gets passed, and then the conversation is over.  Constant to/fro of comments can get pretty tiring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is partly why gave up on Facebook - people were messaging me and sitting there waiting for a response, and then waiting for a response to my response, and it never ends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't matter to them that I want to watch a show on TV, need to do some chores, carry on with my internet browsing, or just lose the screen-time altogether and do something else instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But nope, people write to me and want an immediate response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T14:07:36.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2169" CreationDate="2017-08-21T15:04:55.517" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the reason why a taxi driver wants to chat with someone is when the passenger looks like they have nothing to do (read: bored) while in the middle of the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps it's not everybody's hobby, but I usually take and play with my smartphone after telling the address. While that's what I usually do to kill time in public (in a sense that I don't explicitly tell people not to talk with me, because I am actually okay with it), drivers also tend to avoid initiating a conversation when they see it, unless it's important like, choosing the route/avoiding tollway, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when they still try to initiate a conversation, I have to reply that I'm busy, like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm a bit busy now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lying or not, it's true that I'm currently busy with the thing on the smartphone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reasonable people tend to avoid initiating conversation when the opponent looks busy, especially if they're stranger. However, this is my anecdote in Asian culture where individualism is quiet strong (in fact, I have never had a chat with any taxi drivers...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="152" LastEditorUserId="152" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T15:21:51.173" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T15:21:51.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2232" CreationDate="2017-08-21T15:26:17.330" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;Telling a parent that their beloved child is less than perfect is fraught with unpleasantry, but I think the parent needs to be told.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want the father to actually &lt;em&gt;hear&lt;/em&gt; you, though, you have to keep from putting him on the defensive right out of the gate, because parents interpret their child's bad behavior as reflections upon themselves (just as they take good behavior as a positive reflection of good parenting.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask for a few minutes where you can discuss something that needs to be addressed. Start with a short discussion about parenting; if you can think of an honest compliment about Walter's father's parenting (&quot;You and Walter seem to have a great bond&quot; or the like), throw that in. Then bring up how kids often don't learn lessons parents are trying to teach them; if you have a personal example about your son, great! Sharing it will help diffuse the responsibility/blame he will feel. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then tell him why your son will not be attending Walter's birthday party. Try to frame it as inoffensively as possible, so it will be heard.* For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't believe that everything comes down to how a kid is parented; kids with the best parents in the world will still make some bad decisions. I think this is what's happening with Walter, and it looks like (Ms./Mr. Teacher, name them specifically for evidentiary value) hasn't discussed with you the problems my son has been having with Walter, which surprises me a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then outline the nature of the offenses. Keep it short. Start wrapping it up with something like, (I don't know) &quot;Birthday parties are supposed to be fun for everyone, but my son often doesn't have fun with Walter. So he won't be attending.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;End the conversation with,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You should probably talk to (Ms./Mr Teacher). This has been going on for a while, and they can give you more details about that. I'm sorry to have to tell you. But as I said, no kid is perfect. No one always makes the best choice. Thanks for listening, I'm sure it's disappointing to hear this. If you think of anything you want to discuss further, just let me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Once anger, defensiveness, stress, or anxiety - any strong negative emotion, really - is aroused, our &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2628592/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;working memory&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;, that is our ability to hear and remember what's being said, is dramatically reduced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T19:23:39.057" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T19:23:39.057" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-21T15:35:09.630" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You begin by stating &quot;her partner is pregnant,&quot; which indicates a lesbian, or possibly bi-couple.  If they are lesbians, then by virtue of human biology, no pregnancy could be unplanned, except in extraordinary circumstances (rape, cheating with a man), generally rendering the question moot. By asking, you would have to be assuming those extraordinary circumstances to be at least a possibility, and thus, your question would be extremely rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of a lesbian or bi-couple, I suppose the next question would be, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Is it rude to ask the couple who the father is?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3216" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T15:40:20.790" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T15:40:20.790" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2255" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-21T16:15:09.873" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The question is a bit personal and can be seen as invasive, so it &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be rude, depending on how close you are to the person. I would avoid asking unless you are quite comfortable with the person. There is a slight workaround if you really want to know, and that is to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/beat_around_the_bush&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;beat around the bush&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do this through engaging them in small talk or asking questions indirectly, i.e. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;How is the baby treating you guys?&quot; OR &quot;How has life been&quot; (more indirect)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Has it been difficult since the baby has come into your life?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;How have you been doing lately?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then gauge them based on their answers and continue the small talk, or they just may tell you with their answers too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;It has been okay, since the pregnancy was unplanned.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;We're doing great, we've been planning this for a while!&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;We're doing okay.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So they may tell you or not, if they keep it simple and uninterested then it is probably not in your interest to continue engaging them, while if they seem comfortable talking about it, feel free if you think it is appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3016" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T08:21:17.793" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T08:21:17.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2235" CreationDate="2017-08-21T16:15:17.923" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Good answers here already on how to go about explaining it to him, but to answer your question of &lt;code&gt;Do you think this is rude?&lt;/code&gt;, as a Brit myself I'd say no. If it was a personal service offered to you, for example, a taxi, then yes it would be considered rude to leave without thanking the driver. However, the bus is a service to anybody who wants it, and the driver goes along a set route; it's not a door-to-door service. Personally, I still thank the bus driver, but wouldn't consider it rude not to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, in a supermarket, I would thank the cashier at the checkout who provided a service directly to me by putting my shopping through the till. But I wouldn't thank the person who is stacking the shelves, as they haven't done something solely for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3862" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T06:37:12.647" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T06:37:12.647" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1819" CreationDate="2017-08-21T16:32:01.850" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Is it &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; for my friend to &lt;strong&gt;resume communication&lt;/strong&gt; with his unofficial sister without earning her husband's mistrust?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, anything is &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt;, but there will very likely be negative consequences. Indeed, given the information you've provided...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the sibling relationship between unrelated individuals ... is nearly&#xA;unrecognized in South India;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;my friend has always felt helpless due to his unofficial sibling&#xA;status;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;[their unofficial sibling connection] could have serious&#xA;complications in a conservative-minded society;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he constantly worries that the husband ... will refuse to accept the&#xA;basis of [the] sibling connection;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he wants to do nothing to potentially disrupt her married life ...&#xA;(she and her husband are ... happily married with a 2-year-old&#xA;infant child);&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;[he] tapered off communication with her after [she married, out of]&#xA;fear that her husband might mistrust the unofficial sibling&#xA;relationship;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;both instinctively concealed this unconventional friendship;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the girl has never introduced her unofficial brother to her husband;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it is a fact that husbands tend to be jealous and possessive; and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I too would worry about the husband's mistrust...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...I find it difficult to imagine that anyone would advise, &quot;Yes, I think he should reach out to her!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your friend needs to consider what he truly wants. Is his primary concern that he &quot;misses her terribly,&quot; or is it that he &quot;feels she might think that he no longer cares for her&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is the former, I suggest he take the girl's lead. She's the one in the marriage and in the best position to know her husband's reaction if this all comes out. And even though she must miss your friend as well, if their emotional connection was as strong as you say, she has apparently not reached out to him. That fact and its importance should not be overlooked or underestimated. After all, it is she who would bear any backlash, so to speak, if communication is made, is found out, and goes badly. To reach out to her solely because he is missing her (however terribly), despite all this evidence that the risk is so high, and knowing that she would bear the entirety of any reprisal were it to turn out badly, would be quite selfish ... in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If his greater concern is the latter (that she might think he no longer cares for her), then there are other options than &quot;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;resuming&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;communication&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. What I mean is that he could probably risk a single message, to tell her everything he needs to say. He should write it as though it will be his last chance in this life to speak to her. He could make it clear that &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; it's safe for her to do so, he'd be happy to resume communication, but he should advise her plainly to put her and her family's interests first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He should take particular caution in the writing of this letter to say nothing that would be difficult for her to explain, should it be intercepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T21:19:20.953" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T21:19:20.953" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2151" CreationDate="2017-08-21T16:48:20.097" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/quiet-the-power-introverts/201104/why-you-dont-being-teased&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This would make anybody uncomfortable&lt;/a&gt;, especially over such dumb things as dropping something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find, the best thing to do is to &lt;strong&gt;rob the person of the thrill of affecting your emotions&lt;/strong&gt;. Even if you're upset inside, don't let them see it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It they're teasing you innocently, not trying to hurt your feelings, make a joke back at yourself. Dropping stuff is sometimes funny! You could say &quot;I guess I'm just a butterfingers today!&quot; or &quot;Watch out! I'm throwing stuff all over the place&quot;. Laugh at yourself! &lt;strong&gt;They're laughing at what you did, not who are.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, &lt;strong&gt;as you get older, you just won't care as much&lt;/strong&gt;. Think of an old person, they do embarrassing stuff all the time, and they don't care! They know that a minute is only a fraction of a life, and should not be dwelt upon. Try to be &quot;mature&quot; and emulate this yourself. Who cares what some kid thinks! Your an adult with adult problems to deal with. You're more than just a momentary mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More info:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wikihow.com/Handle-Being-Made-Fun-Of&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;3 Ways to Handle Being Mocked&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T16:48:20.097" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2259" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2235" CreationDate="2017-08-21T16:48:39.670" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whether this is rude (or even just impolite/unfriendly) depends on where you live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I grew up in a smaller town, it was definitely considered normal to say thank you to the bus driver when getting off. Note that these were buses with only one door at the front, so you had to pass the driver to get off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Living in London now, I'd say it's more normal not to speak to the driver at all. Note that London buses almost always have two doors (one at the front and one in the middle), and you exit from the middle door, which is nowhere near the driver. Saying thank you would mean shouting across the bus!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've noticed that some people say thank you to the driver in London regardless, and assume this is people brought up in smaller towns like me, but otherwise I think it's perfectly fine not to thank the driver unless they've done something in particular for you (e.g. waited while you ran for the bus).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3863" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T16:48:39.670" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2217" CreationDate="2017-08-21T16:53:05.730" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Used to live opposite a nice green. Watched a group of late teens eating chips, saw one lad throw paper on ground. Walked across and picked it up, saying nothing. He shouted out &lt;em&gt;I didn't drop that&lt;/em&gt;, to which I said he was a lying ****. Asked me to repeat, which I did clearly, looking him in the eye. He was getting up to hit me, and I said: &lt;em&gt;All I'm trying to do is keep you out of trouble. There are cameras all round here, filming things like this&lt;/em&gt;. He said &lt;em&gt;I want to see the film,&lt;/em&gt; my reply was &lt;em&gt;yes of course, after the appropriate authorities have.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They all then started picking up the stuff they'd dropped, amazingly. And were never seen again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That seemed to work, no actual confrontation, but a firm few words - there were no cameras.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't think there's one cure for this, although I was prepared to follow dog-crappers round, pick up their pup's poop, and drop it in their own garden. Some have to learn the hard way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1655" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T16:59:13.377" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T16:59:13.377" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-21T17:26:09.917" Score="22" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Few parents want their children to know they weren't intended, so it's a question where often only one answer is acceptable. Thus if it wasn't planned you're forcing them to lie, which is not nice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it was planned you might accidentally imply that was bad planning, which is quite offensive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way the question is pointless because most normal people won't tell you &lt;em&gt;&quot;We didn't plan for it but then we used that new brand of condoms, and they ripped. We did consider an abortion but before we could agree with each other 3 months had passed, so now we're happily anticipating the birth of our little baby boy. We just hope the payoff we get from the lawsuit against the condom company is enough to pay for college.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2017-08-21T20:27:47.253" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T20:27:47.253" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2264" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2211" CreationDate="2017-08-21T17:59:38.707" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, it's way more complicated than you believe it is. Fortunately, it's also much simpler. That doesn't make sense, which is what gives people on the autism spectrum such a hard time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are dozens of reasons why someone doesn't respond to a message that is marked as read. To list just a few ordered by likelihood if you messaged me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They assumed not answering was equivalent to &quot;Yes&quot;, &quot;Uhu&quot;, &quot;I see&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They were not in the mood for striking up a conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They just checked the phone for urgent messages to reply to, their brain's heuristic for finding urgent messages didn't classify yours as urgent, and afterwards forgot about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They wanted to give you a proper answer, but were too tired or too busy to give one, and afterwards forgot about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Something smelled burned and they had to run after reading your message.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The app incorrectly marked the message as read and they never saw it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They changed their phone number and forgot to let you know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They were pissed off at you and just click your messages away without reading them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are clues which allow you to guess which one it is, but the problem is simple because &lt;strong&gt;it doesn't matter which one it is&lt;/strong&gt;. There's a  response that's appropriate in all of the cases:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A gentle reminder the next day, a phone call the day after that, and if they don't pick up/answer/call back, a another final reminder a day later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The form of the reminder depends on the initial message. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you have a chance to watch the video yet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't send multiple of these, it's considered clingy. One per original message is enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still don't respond and you really want to reach them, the phone call goes along the lines of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you have time to talk? You haven't been in chat for a while so I wanted to see if you're ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't use this too often or you'll be seen as clingy. Rule of thumb, no more than once a month, ideally less than once a year per person. &lt;em&gt;This call is the point where the 2 of you work out the misunderstandings you are worried about if they exist.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the original message didn't work, they didn't respond to the reminder, didn't pick up your call and didn't call back within a day, you can send a final reminder for important messages. For example: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi John, I still need to know if you're attending movie night on Saturday because I need to book the tickets. Let me know today before 6 o'clock if you plan to join us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caveat: the above is for casual conversations among friends and acquaintances. It doesn't apply if you're coordinating a group project at school of communicating with colleagues at work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-23T11:29:13.820" LastActivityDate="2018-11-23T11:29:13.820" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2232" CreationDate="2017-08-21T21:31:43.700" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suppose if it were me I would use the invitations as the opener to the conversation.  I would thank them for the invitation they extended while making mention that when you talked to your son, he seemed rather surprised Walter would &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; him over.  When pressed on the issue, your son explained further about incidents where Walter has been physically aggressive with him and ask if they were at all aware that maybe Walter doesn't &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; consider your son a friend.  And then I'd wait.  I wouldn't make a specific accusation so much as inform them that my child doesn't &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; well treated and see if they have any such indication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it were my child, I would want time to speak to my child &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; reacting to such information.  I think that is normal, and if they tried to talk much about it, I might say something about that as well, suggesting perhaps they ask Walter about his feelings about this child and see if they can figure out where the conflict lies.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that got no results, &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; I would address it again after that, but at first I'd treat it fairly casual to give them an indication that there is an issue &amp;amp; allow them the respect to give them time to process it and investigate it themselves.  They may never believe you, but if that is true, they likely wouldn't have no matter how you approach it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T21:31:43.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1489" CreationDate="2017-08-21T21:40:30.567" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've found a really useful term is &quot;comedic sociopathy&quot; - that is, there is a disconnect in comedy that makes the kind of joke that is actually horrible, seem funny when it is perceived as &quot;just&quot; a joke.  This can include physical humor (slapstick, etc) but also includes other kinds of cruelty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't find these kinds of things funny, never have, not even in fiction where there is no genuine harm that can be done.  I have on occasion explained this to others as my lacking such a disconnect, and so not enjoying things (usually movies) that they found funny but I found uncomfortable.  In your case, though, using the actual term may help point out how you feel this person turning such &quot;humor&quot; on other people is inappropriate.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is especially bad because this person &lt;em&gt;lacks&lt;/em&gt; the kind of judgement that can stop him shy of really hurting someone.  If he can't tell some (or more) of his audience doesn't actually find this funny, or doesn't think that's reason enough to stop, then he almost certainly can't tell when he's crossed the line from humor into cruelty and equally wouldn't be able to tell when he is causing genuine harm.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For someone to pull off this kind of humor, they really need &lt;em&gt;excellent&lt;/em&gt; people skills and a whopping lot of tact.  They have to know when someone is annoyed, uncomfortable, offended, or genuinely hurt, and how to gently disengage if they hit a real vulnerable point.  Or else it needs to be, as previously mentioned, in fiction where the jokes &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; the people they are aimed at are not real and cannot be hurt - and even then care is needed to not catch others in the line of fire, if, say, mocking traits that do apply to real people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2236" LastActivityDate="2017-08-21T21:40:30.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2276" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2290" CreationDate="2017-08-22T00:03:00.403" Score="2" ViewCount="776" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my classroom, there's a student who wants to keep the curtains closed/drawn all the time. When the sun starts peeping in through the windows, she draws the curtains, keeping the sun out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an outside person who is claustrophobic, I feel extremely congested in a room where I can't see the sun. Many other classmates also want the curtains drawn away so that we can see the sunlight. The classroom has a lot of light, but it's the electric white color which looks nothing like the warm glow of the sun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever this classmate draws the curtains, closing out the sun, I try to tell her that I'm claustrophobic, and that I don't like the ugly whiteness of the electric lights, but she says she absolutely hates the sun, and that she just won't keep the curtains drawn away. This irritates me, but neither my other classmates nor I am able to do anything about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Am I right to ask her to do this? Or is it wrong to ask her to draw them away, as she doesn't want the sunlight coming in?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am right, what should I tell her so that she keeps the curtains drawn away from the windows, happily? I want to do it politely, with no shaming or anything else that might hurt the other person...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm from India, and I study in 11th grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T00:54:15.617" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T03:46:07.593" Title="Is it right to ask someone to keep the curtains drawn if we're claustrophobic? If so, how?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;teenagers&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2277" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="515" CreationDate="2017-08-22T00:26:38.357" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have the same problem, as I am deaf in one ear. I regularly get told not to speak so loudly. The only thing you can really do is purposefully speak at a lower volume than your ears tell you you should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that can help, is to pretend you are wearing headphones. When you are listening to music on headphones you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; you have to talk more quietly than the sound of your own voice tells you to. If you can visualise yourself wearing headphones whenever you're having a conversation, it may help you to remember to dip your voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And getting a hearing test to confirm that this is the problem is probably a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3899" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T00:26:38.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2278" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2282" CreationDate="2017-08-22T00:31:28.670" Score="-7" ViewCount="3078" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just had a conversation with my father about a job application in which they wanted to know if I ever had any traffic violations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, as far as I can remember, I've never been busted for speeding; the only issue I've ever had was being pulled over a few times for not having a licence plate sticker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When discussing this, my father said something like &quot;that doesn't count, only moving violations count&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told him that since I was pulled over, maybe it &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; count as a &quot;moving violation&quot; (never mind that the words &quot;moving violation&quot; was not even mentioned in the job application text).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He got really angry and said that I should know what a moving violation is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told him that I've never been pulled over for speeding as far as I can remember, so how would I know what a moving violation is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He told me that ignorance is no excuse for not knowing the law and that I should know about this from talking to other people (the only people I've talked to who have said things about this have been drunk drivers I met in college).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told him that I was sorry that I was so boring that I had never been pulled over for speeding or drinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He got really angry and said &quot;don't think that I would want you to have been pulled over for drunk driving!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assumed that he wanted me to have done this because, in order to get any &quot;experience&quot; with that part of the law, that's what I would have had to have done!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't understand the situation or the anger on his part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does remind me of another story from my youth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in the 6th grade. My teacher told me to give the names of the months in order. I hadn't learn that yet at that point, so I just told her I don't know the months of the year in order. I was yelled at and sent to the office!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do about this? How can I handle the situation when dealing with someone like my father or a teacher at school?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="55" LastEditorUserId="55" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T01:17:17.937" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T02:14:48.063" Title="What to do when another person believes that you are ignorant?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;authority-figures&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-07-20T08:19:14.350" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2278" CreationDate="2017-08-22T00:53:48.847" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It may not be what you're looking for, but what you really need in these situations is a combination of patience and humor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know that you were not in the wrong in the situations you mention here, which means &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; were in the wrong for going off on you. Since both of these are authority figures, you couldn't really get angry back at them (or show them your anger), or you would lose a bit of that righteousness. But what else is there, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Though it sounds counterintuitive, doing nothing at all &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an action, and it is the correct action. Learning to be patient with these people will greatly benefit you – they are everywhere, and we all have to deal with this kind of thing on a regular basis.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Also, while you won't want to laugh right in their faces (well, you might &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to, but...), it could also be very helpful to learn to see the humor in these situations. As you're sitting in the principal's office, there's no reason not to chuckle about the absurdity of the teacher's response. Well, don't chuckle right when the principal is talking to you, of course.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These really are lifelong skills that will serve you every single day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T01:25:30.460" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T01:25:30.460" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-22T00:59:13.737" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a whole list of things you should never ask, even close friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Was it planned?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you pregnant?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When are you having kids?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you having more?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you done?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are versions you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; safely ask or say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you excited? What great news!  Congratulations!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You look GREAT!  (Never ever comment that someone looks pregnant or on how big they are if you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; they are pregnant.  Some do not mind, some are very hurt) And if they are pregnant and not yet sharing, there is a reason.  Respect that.  If they want to tell you, they will, when they are ready.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How have you been lately? (Do not ask people if they intend to have kids.  If you know them well, eventually they will &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; it if they do.  You can feel free to talk about wanting, or not wanting, kids yourself though).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How is your child(ren)?  You can ask how someone's kids are doing.  Don't ask if they are having more.  Maybe they are, maybe they won't.  Maybe they want to but their partner doesn't &amp;amp; it's a hard topic.  Either way, it really doesn't matter.  If &amp;amp; when they do have more, I am sure they will let you know, until then, it &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; doesn't matter anyway.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is same as above.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really, saying you are close to a person in no way means you can cross over boundaries that are reasonable.  Asking someone about their reproduction is really overly personal even for siblings and parents for many.  Asking questions that literally pertain to someone's sex life needs to be taken as asking about their sex life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is a perfect example.  If a close friend is pregnant &amp;amp; asks me about healing after birth as it relates to your sex life, then &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; I understand.  She is asking me to inform her of something that does or will directly impact &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;.  She may also ask after the baby about how to feel sexy again, how do mom's find time, etc and again, also makes sense, she is seeking information as it pertains to an issue she is having.  Randomly asking me about my sex life with my spouse because she is curious, even if a close friend, is overstepping.  People still do that, but it's rude and not something you should &lt;em&gt;seek&lt;/em&gt; to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are good friends and the couple didn't plan on this, eventually likely the friend will say so.  In the end though, planned or not makes no difference as the baby is on the way, so focus on that.  If you are a &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; friend you can ask if there is any way you can help or something you might do, such as help set up a baby crib or paint a room or move furniture or whatever.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T00:59:13.737" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2211" CreationDate="2017-08-22T01:06:31.327" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the correct response is to feel comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comfortable that however they are behaving is okay.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comfortable with your relative degree of importance in their life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comfortable that you have many other important things in your life to focus your attention on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comfortable that some time in the future you will reconnect with this person again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comfortable that sometimes stuff happens outside your control  or understanding.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in New Zealand and a common idiom we use here is &quot;She'll be right mate!&quot;  Someone has written an article on Wikipedia for further information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3664" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T01:06:31.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2278" CreationDate="2017-08-22T01:09:57.487" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As @WeaselADAPT said, the best thing to do is to use a &lt;strong&gt;combo of humor and patience.&lt;/strong&gt; The smartest of people do stuff like this, and trust me, if you don't know about something, the best thing to do is learn about it ASAP, and admit that you don't know at the beginning of any argument :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you're faced with a situation like this, even if you don't see it coming, the easiest thing to say would be something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Dad... I have no clue how this works... Why don't you tell me more about it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, just saying a few flattering words will do the trick. The problem that often arises it that people have overlarge, inflated egos, which they have no control over. This ego is one of the biggest problems in all relationships and arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ever want to avoid a situation like this, the best way to do it is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know you can't see it coming, but as soon as it comes along, take a deep breath, and smile to yourself internally. Don't dare smile at the person talking to you, as they might get angrier.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the other person continues to pester you why you don't know something, keep quiet and give them a blonde smile now. This makes them realize that you really don't know about something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep your mouth shut if the other party is getting more agitated, but try to keep the mood light, and not serious.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kind of skill comes with practice, and if &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; get angry very often, meditation is a powerful way to keep the ego out of the fight. Remember, you don't have to prove yourself right everytime. Sometimes, it helps to just prove that you're a peaceful person... Just chill :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T01:33:38.267" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T01:33:38.267" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2278" CreationDate="2017-08-22T01:12:44.017" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will be straightforward here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He told me that ignorance is no excuse for not knowing the law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is right. The judge won't accept your reason of &quot;I didn't know that was forbidden&quot; after you murder someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me here is why your father got really angry. Because of how you responded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I told him that I was sorry that I was so boring that I had never been&#xA;  pulled over for speeding or drinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reply as such is kind of rebellious to me. You may not agree with what he said, but reply as such does easily trigger someone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the second example, I think your 6th grade teacher are overreacting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adults have to bear responsibilities. Law is something serious and your father hopes you will understand the importance of it. Learn to accept others opinion even you do not really agree with. For instance, this can be avoided if you reply in a better/humble way&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I never knew that. Perhaps you could tell me more about the moving violation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be appreciate and thankful when someone is trying to pass the knowledge to you. Trust me, you would not want to learn it the hard way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3285" LastEditorUserId="222" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T15:15:14.450" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T15:15:14.450" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2278" CreationDate="2017-08-22T01:19:25.560" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I'm understanding correctly, you asked your father a question. He answered it. You challenged the answer. He reacted defensively (people do that), and told you you should know the answer. You challenged that as well. He then told you a fact you didn't know (perhaps): ignorance of the law is no excuse. Then you threw in this response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I told him that I was sorry that I was so boring that I had never been pulled over for speeding or drinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't react too well to this comeback either. Instead of being forthright (which you had been till then), your answer was sarcastic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it's easy for an adult to remember when they didn't know so much. Because I have a painfully good memory, I can remember a lot of the incredibly irresponsible things I did based on ignorance in general or ignorance of the law before becoming a real adult. Your dad probably doesn't, so perhaps he thinks you should know more than you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But mind-bogglingly ignorant? I don't get the impression that your knowledge base is responsible for this interaction, but rather how you reacted when you asked him for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to appear &quot;mind bogglingly ignorant&quot;, at the first hint of trouble, say, &quot;thanks, Dad. That helps.&quot; Then start Googling &quot;moving violations&quot;, &quot;traffic violations&quot;, &quot;summary offenses&quot;, &quot;pleading guilty&quot;. You will soon realize that not keeping your registration sticker current is not a moving violation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a parent, I would have thought that moving violations were taught in driving school or the booklet you studied from. And the truth is that ignorance of the law is no excuse; that's actually true, and legally not an excuse. That's why it's important to know the basic laws of the land.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your dad can cut you some slack, and you can (and should) rely on yourself more to figure these things out. After you've read about it and think you have it down, you can ask if you understand it correctly. If you have it mostly right, that's better for his opinion of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What your teacher did was unkind. People know some things and don't know others. To learn, you need to listen, not just challenge. then check up on it's veracity in private. If you don't ever want to appear ignorant, there is an old saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it. (Author unknown, but often miscredited to one of two learned med: Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T14:59:19.510" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T14:59:19.510" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2204" CreationDate="2017-08-22T02:15:28.370" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may help to be a bit more (physically) expressive.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do things like - nodding at someone whose point you agree with, making eye contact, contemplative movements of eyebrows or mouth, little swirls or gestures with one's hands - from reflecting mood or opinion to gesturing with your music, or smiling at someone or waving to them when passing by or when catching someone's eye - and thus interact a touch more without saying a word.  Showing an expressive demeanor helps people know you're listening, or engaged, or just friendly, without your having to say a word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're sitting quietly with a calm face, they don't know what you're thinking, if you are aloof or unhappy or just not paying attention.  If you are a bit in motion, and signalling that you're paying attention and reacting to what others are saying in meetings - then anyone looking can see you're engaged with the discussion even if you don't end up saying anything.  If you're sitting with headphones, but occasionally look up and around, smile at people, or wave, and other such nonverbal interactions - it lets them know you are still interested in what's going on around you, and you are willing to interact with people even if you tend to be quiet.  It lets your silence be a personal trait instead of anything with greater meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can play a bit to figure out what sorts of gestures fit your personality and style - you don't need to use all the gestures I mention, or become wildly expressive on a nonverbal level if that doesn't suit you.  Adding even one or two small things to your repertoire may be enough to set your colleagues at ease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to go quiet sometimes, for various reasons, and there were times where I would go a week or more without saying anything.  I picked up these kinds of gestures to deal with people then because with them I could still interact and not be rude... well enough that some people apparently didn't even notice I hadn't said a word, since I was communicating without it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2236" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T02:15:28.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1292" CreationDate="2017-08-22T02:49:34.650" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One technique I specifically find quite helpful is to take three (short) breaths in, and one long, slow breath out.  Followed by correctly saying the sentence that had tripped me up to begin with - sometimes slowly or with emphasis, depending on how badly I tangled it.  I've been using this technique so long I've forgotten where I found it, it works quite well for me.  Especially since it may not always be easy to step aside for a moment, as Alex Common mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a thoroughly unnatural breathing pattern, and takes a bit of concentration to boot, so it helps give a bit of distance and breathing room (ha!) from the conversation.  Between that and getting that darn sentence right, it usually calms me down enough to start speaking correctly again.  Speaking a bit more slowly and taking a little time, even half a second, to plan how I want to say my point helps keep it from happening again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may find other breathing patterns or self-distraction techniques useful, as well as or instead of what I described.  Even a single deep breath may be enough to help.  Or else maybe closing your eyes, and/or making some slow hand gesture, just somehow distracting yourself from the conversation for a second, just long enough to slow yourself down a bit. You can also look up meditation breathing or techniques, for visualizations to pair with such an exercise or other ideas that might speak to you better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a disclaimer, I don't stutter myself so can't say how it may or may not be useful for that, specifically.  I tend to use it because when I get overexcited I skip words or tangle my sentences, and generally trip myself up - and then get flustered, which doesn't help me untangle myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2236" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T02:49:34.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-22T03:31:35.387" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before asking whether the pregnancy was planned, you might examine what's driving your curiosity and how the answer may affect your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If planned, would you feel betrayed that you didn't know beforehand? Does it make you question the strength/intimacy of your friendship that they didn't tell you as soon as they decided to have a child? Do you feel you should've been consulted?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If unplanned, would you accept and support their decision to continue the pregnancy? Will you feel the need to inform them of your opinion (praising or criticising)? Do you think your opinion of them and their relationship will be affected? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Does the thought of your friends becoming parents scare you? Are you dreading their changing priorities? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Are you genuinely happy and want to be supportive, or are you looking for an opportunity to express your unsolicited opinion on the matter?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are almost certainly other drivers, but I can't think of a reason to ask if a pregnancy is planned that doesn't come from a place of judgment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even to people whose health is threatened by pregnancy, asking if it was planned implies carelessness toward birth control, personal health, and/or the child's future: &lt;em&gt;Why would you risk dying? / How could you be so stupid?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you cannot suppress this burning need to know...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Congratulations! I am so happy for you! I had no idea you were planning on having a baby - this is wonderful news!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...is the least offensive way I can think of to bring it up. This way, your curiosity is indirectly expressed, and they can choose whether to answer a potentially intrusive question. Regardless of the answer, I wouldn't press the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2370" LastEditorUserId="2370" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T12:18:58.547" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T12:18:58.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2276" CreationDate="2017-08-22T03:46:07.593" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;She doesn't like the sun; the rest of you do.  Absent a pressing reason (like a medical need) to favor one over the other, you're going to need to either compromise or find ways to solve individuals' problems without affecting the group as much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you ask her what, specifically, bothers her, so you (plural) can see if there's a way to solve it.  Does she need a seat farther from the window?  Would a standing screen by her desk solve the problem for her?  If the group can find a way to meet her needs &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; yours, you all win.  You should, by the way, be prepared to address questions about your specific needs too -- are there other ways to alleviate your claustrophobia?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you have this conversation it's important to not come across as confrontational.  Your goal is to, together, find a solution that works for everybody.  It's not about winning or losing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had similar negotiations about environment with coworkers over the years -- often about light, sometimes about noise and temperature.  I've gotten the best results when I approach an issue as &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; problem that I'd like help with, and when I propose solutions and ask for input, and when I make it clear that the other person's comfort matters to me too.  In my case I have problems with fluorescent lights (they give me a headache); last time it came up I approached it roughly like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey $officemate, I was wondering if we could find a way to adjust the lighting in here.  I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but I'm one of those unlucky people who sees the flicker in fluorescent lights and unfortunately it gives me a headache pretty quickly.  It's particularly bad when I'm reading or working at a computer.  &lt;em&gt;[Which our jobs revolve around.]&lt;/em&gt; How attached are you to these lights?  Could we try using a couple incandescent pole lamps instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case you're on the other side of this discussion, but the approach is the same -- explain the core problem (not just &quot;I like light&quot;), acknowledge the inconvenience to the other person, propose solutions, and be open to experimentation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T03:46:07.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-22T03:46:20.667" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's rude because you're deliberately creating a yes/no question about something that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; make them feel vulnerable, embarrassed, etc.  Rudeness isn't about whether they actually get embarrassed.  Rather, it's about whether you're doing your part to avoid needless embarrassment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to explore this topic without forcing a yes/no question that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be embarrassing, you could instead ask, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How did you feel when you got the news?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3910" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T04:46:40.467" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T04:46:40.467" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2278" CreationDate="2017-08-22T04:35:19.530" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps what you may be running into are people that think you are lacking showing initiative to inform yourself.  While I understand that you may not have been taught the months, by 11 (which I was in 6th grade and most are), if you &lt;em&gt;wanted&lt;/em&gt; to know, you were capable of knowing just by asking or looking.  I homeschool my kids and they know months in order, but I never drilled them on it.  They ask things like, when this or that will happen, I tell them, they show interest in tracking how far away that is, and checking to see how many days have passed since they last checked, etc. Likewise, by this age now, if you were interested in understanding traffic law, you would be able to find out what is and is not a moving violation.  &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would anticipate an adult would know what a moving violation is or a traffic violation.  I've never had one either, but I truly don't think you should need to get a ticket for speeding to know this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; suggesting people &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be rude to you when you do not know something.  I am simply saying some people will show more patience in those situations than other people will.  I am one that can show lack of patience to &lt;em&gt;certain&lt;/em&gt; people.  I have a sibling that I have spent a lifetime being amazed by what they do not know.  I can't even imagine &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they don't know.  I know I have lacked patience at times and I have even asked if we even grew up in the same family.  I am just stunned at times by the difference in what I know and what they don't and can't fathom why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T04:35:19.530" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2297" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2303" CreationDate="2017-08-22T05:54:16.553" Score="9" ViewCount="2648" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's been 4 months since I joined my new company. There is a colleague (let's call him Bob) who joined with me. &#xA;Bob and I were colleagues in my previous company and we both accepted interviews from our current company and cleared them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience with Bob in my previous company, he plays the politics game way too much, which is one of the reasons I disliked him and I have called him out on this albeit in a joking manner, so he realises it. This did not work at all and he got a lot of the desirable work that I yearned to get.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the same scenario is playing out in my current company as well. He has gotten the project from the supervisor, to top it off he speaks the same language as our supervisor, so it gets worse now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, he is trying to portray me as a junior (read inferior) in terms of experience (when we have the same exp in the tech we are working on) and told me to my face that I will only get very basic tasks while my supervisor gives him the meat of the work. I was infuriated at this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which leads me to my question, &lt;strong&gt;How can I deal with this person?&lt;/strong&gt; I have already started minimising my interactions with him, but I notice him keeping tabs on what I am doing and listening to my interaction with my supervisor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After reading the comments, I would like to narrow this down to a specific question. Since Bob and I are friends, &lt;strong&gt;How can I convey my feelings to him in the best possible way without making it a confrontation ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3922" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T07:40:11.717" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T15:14:53.413" Title="How to deal with a colleague who tries to undermine me?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2017-08-22T16:00:56.397" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2298" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2301" CreationDate="2017-08-22T07:35:49.597" Score="54" ViewCount="10470" Body="&lt;p&gt;When preparing for job interviews in the past, my recruiters have told me to ensure that I greet the interviewer with a &quot;good firm&quot; handshake. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even so, outside of the work environment when I've given a good handshake to either an academic (when at university) or a professional (at social gatherings) they would compliment me on it: &quot;A firm handshake you have there!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is a 'good' handshake important?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-02T12:35:04.280" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T16:56:33.573" Title="Why is a 'good' handshake important?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-22T07:40:52.300" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You keep asking &quot;What if one of them is a close friend?&quot; for every answer that tells you it is inappropriate.&#xA;See it this way:&#xA;If you are close enough with a person that the question, if their pregnancy was planned, is acceptable to them, then they would have let you in already.&#xA;I have had friends being very open to me about trying to conceive or planning a child generally in the near future even before getting pregnant. I have had others that introduced the news with &quot;We were hoping for this for months now!&quot; and then it is also clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any other case, I would not have seen it appropriate for me (or anybody else) to ask. It is for them to decide if they want me to know. This is not an information that should be important to you as a mere friend at all. Important is if they are happy with it right now. If they planned it yesterday is yesterday's news.&#xA;The only thing you can &quot;gain&quot; from this information is judgment. They do not need to be judged. If they decided to keep it and tell everybody about it as a happy news, that is the decision which is important from now on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T07:40:52.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2300" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2298" CreationDate="2017-08-22T08:29:53.247" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I found &lt;a href=&quot;https://beckman.illinois.edu/news/2012/10/dolcoshandshake&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this scientific study&lt;/a&gt; by the Beckman Institute in Illinois. It is all about first impressions, see the first sentence: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;New neuroscience research is confirming an old adage about the power&#xA;  of a handshake: strangers do form a better impression of those who&#xA;  proffer their hand in greeting.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I found &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.interviewsuccessformula.com/interview-tips/importance-of-a-good-handshake.php&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this list&lt;/a&gt; about what a 'good' handshake is supposed to be. Other lists include mostly the same points: no sweaty hands, a firm grip, a smile, make eye contact, mind the duration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me personally, I noticed that my handshakes have improved over time, as a result of my social skills improving. Making physical/eye contact and timing is easier for me, now that my social skills are better developed. For me, a good handshake thus is the first impression of someone's social skills. Not the only one, but almost always definitely the first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, a good handshake is all about a good first impression. And although first impressions are not always right, making a good first impression certainly helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="27" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T08:32:35.420" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T08:32:35.420" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2298" CreationDate="2017-08-22T08:31:36.067" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;The idea is to project confidence and a good first impression (see eg &lt;a href=&quot;http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=118168&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Psych Study: Firm Handshakes Impress&lt;/a&gt;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The article also notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In general, any attempt to assign a single, major specific meaning to a gesture or touch is an oversimplification&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the comments you get: That might be genuine small talk/compliments, but I could also imagine that it is a subtle hint that your handshake might be too strong (if the question here were &quot;How can I let someone know that their handshake is hurting me without upsetting them&quot;, saying &quot;A firm handshake you have there&quot; might very well be an answer). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1583" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T09:40:23.253" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T09:40:23.253" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2297" CreationDate="2017-08-22T09:12:17.627" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not sure why you call Bob a friend.  At two jobs now you state that Bob has intentionally jockeyed position in a way that actively &lt;em&gt;harms&lt;/em&gt; your standing at work.  You also say he intends to treat you as lesser than him despite it seeming you are at the same level. You also basically say Bob is targeting you by keeping tabs on you in order to sabotage your chances at advancement.  You may want to rethink thinking Bob is a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I had a similar situation I just pushed.  I worked twice as hard.  I made sure that everything I did was on lock down to keep the nosy people out.  I endeavored to find out what my supervisor valued and only focused on &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;.  In the end that worked.  In my case that meant Bob got fired (for his efforts to mess with me, literally, and I didn't have to say a thing) and I got promoted and life moved on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime I just kept healthy boundaries with my Bob.  He would do weird things like try to assign me work, which wasn't even his place. I just deflected and kept all my interactions in writing.  If he requested to speak to me, I feigned being too busy &amp;amp; suggested he drop me an email.  He would leave a pile of miscellaneous on my chair with a note.  I would drop it back off &amp;amp; redirect him to go through my supervisor to assign work he couldn't handle.  So work hard, do not bend to his attempts to subjugate you and find your own groove and his efforts will be wasted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T09:12:17.627" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2298" CreationDate="2017-08-22T09:19:56.680" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Body language is an important factor in inter-person communication. How you behave will be interpreted by the other, whether or not you intend to. The other person will react based on &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; interpretation of your body language (no matter what you actually intended to say).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assume those extreme cases of someone shaking your hand:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The other person barely touches your hand and let's go before you even have the chance to shake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interpretation: that person is not interested in you and considers the time spent with you a waste.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The other person firmly grabs your hand and shakes it heavily for 20 seconds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interpretation: that person is over enthusiastic to meet you and will probably do everything you say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to make an impression during a job interview that makes you appear as a professional person interested in the job, but not too enthusiastic, so the interviewer does not take your acceptance of the job as granted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Translating that impression into a handshake would be a short, well-hearted shake, including a professional smile with eye contact. Where 'short' means: long enough to appear interested, but short enough to not give an over-enthusiastic impression. The firmness should be strong enough so that the other considers your application solid, but - again - weak enough to emphasize that nothing is yet set in stone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Btw. the phrase &quot;A firm handshake you have there&quot; is usually used when the other person found it too strong, and you either caused pain or appeared too dominant. It is a hint to be slightly more gentle. This is however only valid in a general context, a strong military man might consider painfully squeezing the bones with just the right force, while a weak/ill person might consider even a very gentle handshake as too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3566" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T19:12:37.947" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T19:12:37.947" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2306" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-22T10:50:13.180" Score="5" ViewCount="4660" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm asking this in the context of playing the computer game &lt;a href=&quot;https://playoverwatch.com/en-us/game/overview&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Overwatch&lt;/a&gt; and therefore internet-anonymity as one problem has to be kept in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I started playing the game I got as soon I had some experience a typical command giving a player who just blamed others for not following up commands and strategies when it wasn't running according to (my) plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a bit of self-learning, I learned that it is important to keep everyone's morale up by pointing out what went well and only pointing on mistakes if they happen repeatedly and might be caused by unawareness of the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned that it is important to neither have a team of 6 commanders nor have a team of 6 followers. So I learned to try to grab the commander role as I feel most comfortable with it, but if someone else is not willing to follow I follow his commands to prevent splitting a call following the team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'm clearly and neutral communicating (and always trying to do it without any judgement) what I see might be a problem.&#xA;And if I have no idea I ask the others if they have an idea what actually is causing trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the response is calm and objective, that leads sometimes to great changes mid game twisting it to our advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes others simply deny communicating what they think is going on.&#xA;And I think most of them are playing in a competitive manner the game as I do as they&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; want to win. So why won't they communicate their observations? Instead of at some point just breaking out in blaming some specific player in a very subjective and most of the time even insulting way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm able to abstract their worries from such statements I try to argue and/or fix it if I agree with the problem. But in a situation where a player just starts to insult me and subjectively blames me for losing the game I feel like I'm losing control of the situation and since this is a typical fight or flight situation where flight would be penalized by game mechanics, I react to it with an outbreak of counter insulting aggression and totally losing focus of the game. (Which I totally hate, as it will take me up to several hours to calm down again.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I keep control over a before mentioned situation, prevent myself from throwing tantrum and in the ideal case pulling the subjectively motivated offender to mention objectively his point of view instead of figuratively provoking me to flip the gaming table?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Let's exclude immature players that just play to annoy others or players that don't know better from this assumption&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T14:45:31.310" Title="How to figure out why a stranger is being angry and irrationally insulting you?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-22T11:00:24.883" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is rude, even more so than asking about the pregnancy itself. Because you are probing into a person's planning skills, as well as a very private area of their life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; be this &quot;forward,&quot; I would do so in a non-inquiring, non-threatening way with a compliment: &quot;How nice for you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might just elicit a response like, &quot;it was totally unexpected,&quot; or &quot;it's quite a pain.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T11:00:24.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2306" CreationDate="2017-08-22T11:01:21.880" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;While your top line is about trying to understand the source of someone else's anger, this is not actually a useful aim (as with anonymous people on the internet you may never know) and in reality you'd be better off looking at how you deal with others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you feel anger or tantrum like emotions towards someone who seems angry at you, you know that responding angrily will only make it worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't respond angrily. Try turning off your microphone if you use one, and avoid messaging, and then just take a deep breath. In the grand scheme of things it is a game. It is unimportant. Relax. And continue playing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I avoid this type of thing entirely by playing with a group of like minded individuals who dislike trolling, anger, briefing etc. So our group just plays nice ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T11:01:21.880" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2306" CreationDate="2017-08-22T11:11:56.123" Score="5" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Keep calm and enjoy the game.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anger has no one particular source that you can identify online. It comes to anyone, anywhen, and for many reasons. Some users are naturally short-tempered, while others are intentionally trolling or being abusive, and sometimes &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?&amp;amp;q=%22misdirected%20anger%22&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;anger is misdirected&lt;/a&gt; towards you and has nothing to do with you or the game actually. Instead of trying to find a source, focus on saving yourself from their insults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can &lt;strong&gt;mute&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;ignore&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;report&lt;/strong&gt;, or in the worst case, &lt;strong&gt;block&lt;/strong&gt; the user so that you no longer have to hear their insults. Your options may vary based on the platform.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And do not get angry at other users for whatever reason, as it will only escalate matters. Instead, find users who play it cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's how I avoid any potential disputes between players when I play online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T07:17:33.063" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2306" CreationDate="2017-08-22T11:19:22.593" Score="13" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;And I think most of them are playing in a competitive manner the game as I do as they1 want to win&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is where you're wrong. People who want to win don't play an online game that gives them a 50% chance of winning no matter how good or bad they play (unless matchmaking is broken or you're the very best/worst player in the world). People who want to win play a game that gives them a 100% chance of winning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many &lt;strong&gt;many&lt;/strong&gt; people play games in order to distract themselves, and sometimes to have fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They don't care if your style is &quot;better&quot;, they got their own style. Their style may be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try hard to &quot;win&quot; by scoring high on a certain statistic.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mute them all because chat distracts from their fun (I personally recommend that).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Blame someone anonymous on the internet whenever something doesn't go the way they want it to go.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Troll the chat to make some player mad.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Genuinely trying to win by communicating aggressively, then losing their shit when someone tells them to shut up because they are distracting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I react to it with an outbreak of counter insulting aggression&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some players are trying to bait you into this, other times you have a bad grasp on the situation and you're actually the one flaming. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Whenever you get mad at an irrational player online, mute them&lt;/strong&gt;. And if they used a curse word while doing so, see if there's a &quot;report&quot; button.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T19:14:03.257" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T19:14:03.257" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2312" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2313" CreationDate="2017-08-22T12:07:37.890" Score="20" ViewCount="10999" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know a person &quot;Bob&quot; and his family very well. He had problems in his apprenticeship. I know another person that has the Asperger Syndrome and my friend Bob shows a lot of similarities. I don't want to offend Bob but I think it would help him a lot if he gets professional help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time I talked to him he was close to his second final exams. He failed the first one and prepared for the second exams. First, his mother told my mother that he refused to get help from a therapist. He changed his attitude and went to a therapist but he only got something that is supposed to calm him down. He talked to a therapist but I don't think that it was enough to make a diagnosis because they didn't talk about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will ask him how the first exams went and when they were bad I will mention autism and show him that it can only help him if someone can make a diagnosis. Maybe it's something else than autism. I think that every diagnosis will help him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Switzerland.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3955" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T15:35:17.207" LastActivityDate="2018-11-21T18:48:59.387" Title="How do I tell or convince a friend that he should do an autism test?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;switzerland&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2312" CreationDate="2017-08-22T12:43:04.613" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't do this directly without likely causing offense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/aspergers-diary/201204/stigma-and-the-othering-autism&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;stigma surrounding autism&lt;/a&gt;, so if you say &quot;Hey, you should take an autism test&quot; or even worse &quot;You need professional help&quot;, what the other person may hear is &quot;There is something wrong with you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a first step, I would suggest not mentioning a test or professional help, but instead mentioning the topic of autism in a way that is not related to them (and in a positive or neutral way). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe your friend hasn't actually heard of it, or doesn't know what it is really about. You could mention an interesting article you have read, or media that you think show a positive or neutral - and accurate - display of autism (not necessarily documentaries and such, but maybe TV shows or movies). Your friend might recognize similarities or some of their symptoms and do their own research, and reach their own conclusion of whether or not they require help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if your friend does not recognize this themselves, you have laid a good foundation for being more direct later. They now know that you do not hold biases or hate against people with autism, so they will be more open to your suggestions. They will see that you are not attacking them personally, but that you truly only want to help them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If or when you do want to take a more direct route, you might want to follow advice similar to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/tell-friend-loved-one-need-counselling.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt; (it focuses on depression, but applies in other situations as well): do your own research so you actually know what you are talking about, and be respectful in how/when/where you tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1583" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T16:01:18.267" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T16:01:18.267" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2312" CreationDate="2017-08-22T13:02:16.567" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to talk to your friend, you must be prepared to provide some meaningful information on autism you should first learn as much about the disorder as you can. If you are going to approach your friend and suggest a diagnosis of autism, you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; should know what you're talking about. Furthermore, it's a good idea to be supportive and honest when you tell someone you believe s/he is autistic. Many people do not fully understand what autism really is, so it will be up to you to be able to explain the disorder and answer any of their initial questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This being said, the following advice comes straight from &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.aspergerstestsite.com/1154/telling-someone-about-aspergers-syndrome/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;asperger site&lt;/a&gt; and are some questions you should ask yourself &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; anything else:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Do I think this person would want to know?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Do I think this person should know because it's what I want? Or it's what he/she would want?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Do I want to tell this person because I think it will make things easier for him/her? (e.g. Are they lost and struggling in areas, confused at their inability to &lt;em&gt;fit in&lt;/em&gt; or succeed?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;What is this person's current view of autism? This is a biggie. Autism still has so much negative stigma attached, if the person is not privy to the autism community that we are a part of (i.e. bloggers/FB/Twitter that are working to bring the positives and successes to the forefront from an autistic pt-of-view) their reaction would probably be one of anger. Then possibly fear and denial.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Am I looking at this person as an individual, taking into consideration: Family, Friends, Social Circles, Job/Career.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Is he/she overly-concerned with what others think? Is he/she the type of person who might feel shame and worry over being stigmatized as a &lt;em&gt;person with a disability&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, I would suggest that you get more info and help from people &lt;strong&gt;who really know&lt;/strong&gt;. Unless someone here with &lt;strong&gt;medical knowledge and meaningful experience&lt;/strong&gt; can tell you, only a true professional will help you handle the situation in a way that neither you nor your friend is hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short: &lt;strong&gt;you should not do it by yourself, but seek professional council before&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some reading: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.aspergerstestsite.com/1154/telling-someone-about-aspergers-syndrome/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Asperger Site&lt;/a&gt; and the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The National Autistic Society - UK&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T16:06:43.950" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T16:06:43.950" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2312" CreationDate="2017-08-22T13:30:39.613" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, consider that your friend Bob might have already taken an autism test at a young age - this is usually the time his parents would've noticed something different about his behavior, and is also the time in his life where therapy programs would have helped the most.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And trust me, as someone with autism, even the best therapy programs can't just make it 'go away' forever.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also really isn't your place to tell Bob what he should do about what you perceive as Asperger Syndrome.  If (and that is a big &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt;) you do feel very close to Bob and his family, you could ask if they've ever considered the possibility, and then maybe suggest some adult programs if you know any, &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; they show an interest in helping him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as an adult, Bob is wholly responsible for his own well-being, and more than anything, you need to respect that it is, and should always be, his decision to be tested and/or treated for it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T13:30:39.613" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2183" CreationDate="2017-08-22T13:42:51.237" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The one big part of the problem that the earlier answers seem to have missed is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;because I usually don't socialise with them (I usually hang out in another flat) they seem to have shifted the blame on me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, your not being &lt;strong&gt;in their group&lt;/strong&gt; gives them the tendency to &lt;em&gt;blame you rather than one of themselves.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to all the solutions offered by the earlier answers, I would suggest you spend more time with your housemates (even though it's tough in this situation) and improve your relations with them, so that they would develop more confidence in you and a sense of you being part of their group, even if you are with them only some of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with the part of UKMonkey's answer that states that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The problem you face, is that there is real possibility that there are multiple people involved. Person X takes person Y's food. Person Y thinks it was person Z, so takes some of theirs ... The problem snowballs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it may take time to resolve the issue, putting in a little effort to integrate yourself better into their group will at least reduce their tendency to blame you for everything; giving you 'breathing space' and 'time to think' of a good solution, &lt;em&gt;unless moving out is an option.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T13:53:02.553" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T13:53:02.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2312" CreationDate="2017-08-22T14:20:51.827" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that you know another person with Asperger's (it's just autism spectrum disorder now, by the way) are you close enough to this person to ask them for help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had this conversation with a few people over the years. I think it helps to hear it from someone who can personally relate... The conversation hasn't always gone well, but those that have gone in for testing were generally glad they did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aspies seem to have a way of relating to other aspies that can help to remove some of the associated stigma. If you know someone else who's on the spectrum it'll likely be easier for them to talk to Bob and put his mind at ease about the possibility of being a touch aspie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T14:20:51.827" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="615" CreationDate="2017-08-22T14:46:22.450" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Can only speak from personal experience; but I've usually found that the DD will get a soft drink bought for them in any &quot;round&quot; without having to buy a round later themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3974" LastEditorUserId="3974" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T15:49:51.343" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T15:49:51.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1694" CreationDate="2017-08-22T15:10:17.520" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you can accept his friend request and put him on &lt;strong&gt;Restricted&lt;/strong&gt; category.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Facebook has a built-in list to keep someone as friend, but only allow them to view your content that is &lt;strong&gt;shared publicly&lt;/strong&gt; (same as someone who is not your friend), or if you &lt;strong&gt;tag them&lt;/strong&gt; on the post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting someone on the Restricted list means that you’re still friends, but that you only share your posts with them when you choose Public as the audience, or when you tag them in the post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you're friends with your boss and you put them on your Restricted list, then post a photo and choose Friends as the audience, you aren’t sharing that photo with your boss, or anyone else on your Restricted list. However, if you tag your boss in the photo, or chose Public as the audience, they’ll be able to see the photo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.facebook.com/help/206571136073851?helpref=faq_content&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Facebook FAQ&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To access this list, go to your &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.facebook.com/bookmarks/lists/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Friend List&lt;/a&gt; and select &lt;strong&gt;Restricted&lt;/strong&gt; as shown below.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/a6ovxm.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/a6ovxm.png&quot; alt=&quot;Access Restricted list&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then add names you want to &amp;quot;unfriend&amp;quot; by entering their names on the text field on the right of the screen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/dOpCVm.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/dOpCVm.png&quot; alt=&quot;Add names to Restricted list&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that my list is empty because I prefer to ignore unknown requests to keep my friend list from clutters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you can put the individuals on Restricted list from their profile page (or expanded card when you hover over their name anywhere) by clicking on drop-down menu of &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;Friends&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt; and selecting &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;Add to another list&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, then select &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;Restricted&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/nBTyjm.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/nBTyjm.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Alternative add to Restricted list&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use this method if you only need to add few names. If you need to add several names at once, it is faster to use the first method.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T15:10:17.520" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="615" CreationDate="2017-08-22T15:13:41.573" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should “Designated Drivers” be compensated by their friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They already are&lt;/strong&gt;: they bring them home safely. They can share another event &lt;em&gt;all of them&lt;/em&gt; together later. What could be more valuable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I drink only water and soft drinks, I'm a long-time &lt;em&gt;Designated Driver&lt;/em&gt;, and the best reward I actually had from my friends was them folks &lt;strong&gt;Staying Alive&lt;/strong&gt;. I don't need more, I don't want more :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should be the only goal of any DD: &lt;strong&gt;get your buddies safe back home&lt;/strong&gt;. If they buy you a drink (or not) doesn't matter, really. You do that (drive) for friendship's sake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They don't even pay for the gas (I can afford this, and don't care anyway), but once in a while, they invite you and pay the bill, or we all gather at their home for dinner or to watch a game. It's not even a compensation, as there's no need for such things amongst friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But they show how they appreciate you being around and taking care of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you protect your friends, you don't need gas or drink, just wings, because you're an angel :)&#xA;See it that way, as they normally do, that'll be fine, that's what friends are for...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-22T19:15:25.807" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T19:15:25.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2297" CreationDate="2017-08-22T15:14:53.413" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can pull him aside, invite him for some beers and ask him to &quot;take it easy&quot; that you respect his enthusiasm and determination, but his drive is pulling you down. Propose working as a team have him teach you skills you need to master and teach him whatever you think he is lacking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly what he is doing it's upsetting you, but I'm afraid chances are he won't stop because he can't stop, playing politics is what he is good at and having started that game you have to keep it up or start from 0.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to step up on your game, clearly he is better at relating to superiors (like the old saying goes: in business what matters is who you know not what you do) you can out smart him by interacting with people even higher than the supervisor and get their trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3163" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T15:14:53.413" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2298" CreationDate="2017-08-22T15:37:41.200" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wanted to address this from a more anthropological perspective for people who just don't get handshakes or greetings at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Greetings &lt;a href=&quot;http://luxebeatmag.com/global-etiquette-handshakes-greetings-worldwide/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;among people around the world&lt;/a&gt;, whatever they may be, are generally for the following reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;To show &lt;a href=&quot;http://bigthink.com/wikimind/the-unspoken-reasons-why-we-shake-hands&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;you're aware of and willing to comply with social cues&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;An improper handshake signals either a lack of empathy or intelligence, two traits that are incredibly important for business and personal dealings&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;To &lt;a href=&quot;http://time.com/3729900/weird-science-handshakes-smell/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;exchange chemical signals&lt;/a&gt;. After all, we're still mammals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The researchers secretly filmed subjects to see how frequently they touched their own faces, and if that number changed significantly after shaking someone's hand. When people received a handshake from someone of the same gender, face-touching with the right hand increased by more than 100 percent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;To show &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201307/the-art-handshaking&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;you don't have a weapon, and are non-hostile&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By touching hands together, [the individuals shaking hands] demonstrate that they have no weapons – no need to fear each other&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[ &lt;strong&gt;...&lt;/strong&gt; ]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Negative emotions associated with a bad handshake stay with us for so long because it is stored in that part of the brain (amygdala/hippocampus) that helps us to assess for danger&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-10T16:57:37.090" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T16:57:37.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2235" CreationDate="2017-08-22T15:37:52.127" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If Britain is anything like Ireland then it's customary just to say, &quot;Thanks&quot; to the driver as you get off the bus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But really if I were you I'd just forget about it, there's no need for you to get embarrassed and it's not exactly rude or any reflection on you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just continue to say &quot;Thanks&quot; yourself, and hopefully your friend will pick up the habit, but if not, don't worry about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3984" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T15:37:52.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="615" CreationDate="2017-08-22T16:33:02.203" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Eternal designated driver speaking here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My reward is to get on the wheel&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a pleasure to be the one who will get to drive the car. Even more interesting is to get to drive each of my friends car, some more interesting than others. Besides, I don't particularly like the taste of alcohol, but I would rather drive than getting to drink whatever else I wanted, unless if it was for free of course (but this never happened).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is difficult to assert this situation without knowing the person. Some people think it is a sacrifice to drive and say they like to drink a lot. Many people also lie about that and just want the compensation for the &quot;favor&quot;. One day my uncle was bragging about being the one who was chauffeuring everyone during a long trip on a nice rental car so I offered to drive all the time until he snapped at me, since he was actually eager to drive that car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3988" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T16:33:02.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="160" CreationDate="2017-08-22T21:24:09.997" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is one incredibly effective strategy (although quite offensive): if your saying 'no' is ignored, ask openly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain me what do you not understand in the word 'no'? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It usually turns off even the most hopeless troll mode, because people understand, that 'no' means 'no' and not 'maybe'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1707" LastActivityDate="2017-08-22T21:24:09.997" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2306" CreationDate="2017-08-23T00:05:47.173" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the specific context of &lt;em&gt;Overwatch&lt;/em&gt;, here are my suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In the long run, expect a 50:50 win-loss rate.&lt;/strong&gt;  That is, expect to lose half of the games you play.  Every game has six winners and six losers, and matchmaking is supposed to even out skill differences, so this is only logical as a starting point.  It is not (should not be) possible to maximize your win rate, except at the very highest levels of play (where matchmaking starts running out of adequately skilled opponents).  If you are using win-loss rate as a metric of your skill level, or even if you are just feeling bad every time you lose a match, stop, because losses are supposed to be commonplace.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you want to use something else as a metric, you could track eliminations, objective kills, etc., but many of these numbers are similarly confounded by the matchmaking system.  Skill rating does work here, but in the short run it mostly translates to &quot;feel good about the wins and bad about the losses,&quot; which is counterproductive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Personally, I prefer to focus on the &quot;small picture&quot; of each game: What was my strategic impact?  Did I help my teammates, or make things harder for my opponents?  Was I able to hold a choke, or prevent the point from turning over?  And so on.  I find these small picture ideas more satisfying than looking at big picture numbers.  But then, I mostly do quickplay instead of competitive, so maybe this just doesn't work for you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This probably seems unrelated to your question, but too much emphasis on winning tends to be the driving force behind the interpersonal conflicts you are describing.  If you cannot dissociate from your losses, you will struggle to interact productively with your teammates; if they cannot so dissociate, they will struggle to interact with you.  You can only control half of this equation, but that's better than no control at all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some of those 50% losses will come from too-strong opponents.  No matter how good the matchmaking system gets, it will still exhibit some amount of sampling error, so you'll always have a few of these unbalanced games.  The reverse will also happen every now and then, so try to see the easy wins as compensation for these losses.  It's important to recognize when this is happening, and acknowledge that these games are most often unwinnable.  There is no blame to go around, so just do your best until the game reinstances you, and don't worry about losing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some of the losses will come from bad teammates.  If they are breaking the rules, you can report them, but in most cases, there is nothing you can do about this (e.g. failure to use a mic and communicate is not a ToS violation).  Again, sometimes your opponents get hampered by bad teammates instead, so it should all even out in the end.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling some poor players how to improve won't fix anything, it will just make them angry.  This probably seems illogical to you, but some neurotypicals are just &lt;em&gt;like this&lt;/em&gt;.  They don't like being told what to do, especially when they're in the middle of losing a match.  Blaming anyone in reach is an extension of that - the game is telling them that they are not good enough, and they are refusing to accept it.  Don't try to argue or engage with someone who is audibly angry or irrational, just mute them and do your best to salvage the game.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some players are quite tolerant of advice and constructive criticism, but unfortunately there is no reasonable way to know this ahead of time, unless you are playing with friends from outside the game.  Personally, I don't think helping these players is worth the risk of getting screamed at, but you'll have to evaluate that for yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some losses will happen because you did not play well enough.  &lt;strong&gt;These are the only losses you can change, so you should focus on them, to the exclusion of other kinds of losses.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That does not mean that you shouldn't worry about communication with teammates at all.  On the contrary, &lt;a href=&quot;https://xkcd.com/1028/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;communication is in the hands of the speaker, not the listener&lt;/a&gt;.  You should always assume responsibility for being understood by others, even if it seems like they are not listening very well.  But conversely, if someone else is communicating poorly with you, there is very little you can do about it from your end, other than asking for clarification.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4008" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T00:05:47.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="160" CreationDate="2017-08-23T00:42:18.913" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Only a few people succeed at multi-level marketing programs, even the ones that are &quot;on the level.&quot; There is a reason; you need two distinct set of skills. This fact is your way &quot;out.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more obviously needed skillset is salesmanship. Not everyone is cut out to go door to door selling soap, nutritional supplements or whatever the product is. (My brief career with Amway, over thirty years ago, lasted all of two days). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second necessary skillset is as an investor. Basically, you are being asked to &quot;front&quot; money for products that you may or may not be able to sell. (In my Amway experience, I bought a starter &quot;kit&quot; of products for $100, couldn't sell any, and used the goods myself, hopefully breaking even.) Knowing how much product to buy for resale is a job that will tax the capacities of a merchandising manager. &quot;Whole&quot; (and famous) retailing chains have gone out of business because they overordered inventory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So tell your friend that you must pass on this &quot;opportunity&quot; because you lack one (or both) of the above skill sets, and don't need to do more jobs plus your day job. If she insists, tell her that you don't think you would make a very good &quot;downline,&quot; and that the problems she would have in managing you would not make things worthwhile for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-12-25T09:25:15.210" LastActivityDate="2017-12-25T09:25:15.210" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2312" CreationDate="2017-08-23T06:04:06.137" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was the boss of somebody like &quot;Bob.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I told him that his interpersonal problems with coworkers followed a pattern of mis-reading social cues.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I said that similar patterns happen for other people, such as people who have Asperger's Syndrome&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then, I suggested that some of the improvement strategies that are helpful for people with Asperger's might also be helpful for him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a psychologist, but I do have a duty to give feedback on the &quot;soft skills&quot; of employment, such as interpersonal dealings with co-workers.  In this person's case, I had an opportunity to mention Asperger's when I was explaining the &lt;em&gt;pattern&lt;/em&gt; of his problems, and when looking at the landscape of possible improvement strategies.  He needed to work on his problems, regardless what they're called.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did this in a very boss-employee manner, but my inner feelings toward him were very &quot;parental.&quot;  He later told me this conversation changed his life forever (for the better) and he got diagnosed with Asperger's. His case turned out well, but I couldn't have known beforehand whether the analogy to Asperger's would be useful to him.  All I knew is that he had problems, and that giving him feedback about each isolated incident wasn't enough for him to fix the problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3910" LastEditorUserId="3910" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T06:26:53.547" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T06:26:53.547" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2336" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2298" CreationDate="2017-08-23T06:33:26.677" Score="0" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A handshake conveys information about attitude.  It can give early warning about whether the other person feels discomfort, avoidance, anger, disgust, or enthusiasm.  Some people can fake their body-language, but many people forget or don't bother.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Unlike other types of body-language, handshakes are repeated for each pair of people, so it can uncover a person's attitudes toward particular individuals, which wouldn't be apparent from the person's overall body-language toward the group.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3910" LastEditorUserId="3910" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T06:53:08.530" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T06:53:08.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2337" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2339" CreationDate="2017-08-23T06:50:14.957" Score="-4" ViewCount="411" Body="&lt;p&gt;The following argue in favour of negating positive words &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(e.g. &#xA;  This has not been agreed; allowed; correct; considered.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to evade single negative but polite words &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(e.g. This has been disagreed; rejected; wrong/false; ignored/neglected.): &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.targettraining.eu/meeting-phrases-polite-diplomatic/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;5 Tips for Polite and Diplomatic Language&quot;&lt;/a&gt; (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.macmillandictionaryblog.com/five-rules-of-thumb-for-polite-and-diplomatic-language&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This website&lt;/a&gt; duplicates the content.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoid negative words - instead use positive words in a negative form&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;People react to positive sounding words, even if they are used with a negative auxiliary verb.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Don't say:  &lt;em&gt;I think that's a bad idea.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Say: &lt;em&gt;I don't think that's such a good idea.&lt;/em&gt;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.londonschool.com/language-talk/language-tips/5-tips-for-polite-and-diplomatic-language/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Meeting Phrases: Disagreeing Politely and Diplomatically&quot;&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoiding the negative&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;I don't think that's such a good idea.&lt;/em&gt; (NOT It’s a bad idea.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;I don't think I can agree with you. (NOT I disagree with you.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm not sure it's the best idea. (NOT it's the worst idea!)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I disagree: the former looks needlessly periphrastic, indirect,  circumlocutory); I prefer the latter's concision. Am I wrong? Is the latter really less diplomatic?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T05:49:16.653" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T05:49:16.653" Title="Are 'negatives' (e.g. wrong) really less diplomatic than 'negated positives' (e.g. not correct)?" Tags="&lt;language&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-03-28T02:29:30.357" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2306" CreationDate="2017-08-23T06:54:06.203" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;After clarification, it seems you want to know how to not be so reactive to such a person.  I can merely tell you what works for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I breathe.  I actually have learned to stop right when I feel that increase in frustration/anger build and breathe very deeply several times and repeat to myself that I will not give this person control over &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; emotions.  That is what made me have the willpower to want to change this.  At some point, I realized I was allowing other people (people I knew and people that I did not) to determine my internal emotions.  Now there are times this is warranted.  It helps us survive.  If some stranger has just punched you, it might be okay to let your internal emotions rise up and hit back.  It might be just what you need to get through that situation.  Hopefully, though this is a rare thing that you seldom have to rely on your emotional responses for.  The rest of the time, we are then having to learn to control them versus handing over control to the emotion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you breathe, remind yourself how unimportant this person actually is to your life.  Remind yourself you never actually &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to interact with them again.  You also must be aware that many are likely trolls with the sole intent of loving to see other people become upset.  It is then likely more profitable overall instead of attacking verbally to overly assert how unaffected you are by their attempts to bait you.  This is easily done by doing things like thanking them when they insult you.  If they act confused, thank them for offering their perspectives and helping you learn to be a better player.  No matter what they say, offer thanks for it.  They often will quickly tire and give up on you as that is not a rewarding, entertaining, nor fun exchange for them.  I have so far never had anyone that has the drive to continue on if I just tell them &lt;em&gt;thank you&lt;/em&gt; over and over.  They give up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T07:16:39.677" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T07:16:39.677" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2337" CreationDate="2017-08-23T07:10:20.513" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think to a point this is useful.  I use it with my kids all the time from tiny ages and find it highly effective when applied correctly.  My kids might ask on a given day if we can go to the park.  Instead of saying no, which is actually the answer, I will reframe it.  If I think we can go next weekend I will simply say we have other things going on today or whatever the case maybe, but then tell them &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; we can go.  In that way they are getting yes, but a delayed yes, versus a no.  I do it on smaller things too, like asking for a snack, I may tell them they can have one in 20 mins. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The part I had issue with was that you don't generally &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to label things as good or bad anyway.  I would say it's more diplomatic to avoid that part if you can.  If my son wants to take his new tablet to a friend's house who happens to also have 3 younger siblings that are into everything and I think it's not a good idea to take it there, I don't have to say it is a bad idea or tell him it's not a good idea.  I can instead ask him if he has thought about the 3 little ones there and how safe it might be to take something that expensive and fragile into that environment.  I might even ask him if he can think of some safer way to show his friend his new gadget.  You can do the same with adults.  What seems most diplomatic is to assert what your actual concern is and then allow them to expand if they already have accounted for that.  I think the moment you say it's not a good idea, you may as well say the idea is garbage for how many will take that.  It doesn't inherently fool people based on &quot;positive&quot; wording.  They will hear that you have already decided you don't like it.  If instead, you resort to explaining what your concern is, then you are now hearing them out without assessing any value to their idea, while offering them a chance to back it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T07:10:20.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2340" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2341" CreationDate="2017-08-23T07:26:03.497" Score="39" ViewCount="14951" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every Wednesday, the cleaning lady comes to clean the hallways of the apartment building and is always looking to strike up long conversations with &lt;em&gt;every single tenant who passes across her&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She speaks in a different dialect than me, so I can't make sense of what she says, but it's clear she's humble, modest, and nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it's sometimes okay for me to talk with her, other times I can't afford to miss the train/bus/metro and arrive late at work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to avoid ending up in a conversation with her without making an idiot out of myself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4019" LastEditorDisplayName="user2066" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T00:01:57.340" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T09:00:05.077" Title="How to avoid a very talkative cleaning lady?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2340" CreationDate="2017-08-23T07:30:00.103" Score="93" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just say what you said in your question,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I can't talk right now. I need to get the bus/train/metro to work, have a good day though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not only polite by wishing her a good day (keeping it polite as you'll bump into her again on another Wednesday) but it also indicates that you have a place to be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she talks to anyone and everyone I'm sure she won't mind (and will also understand you need to get to work) and will strike up a conversation with someone else. Cleaning on her own can probably be quite lonely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T07:39:09.500" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T07:39:09.500" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2342" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-23T07:44:50.777" Score="30" ViewCount="11550" Body="&lt;p&gt;The TL:DR is the actual heading.  The rest is all backstory on why &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; am asking.  I am asking if I can (or maybe even should try) to assist my spouse on becoming more self aware.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband and I were doing a quiz last night.  Sometimes we do these.  They are often just interesting.  Usually we each do our own and then compare and contrast results.  Tonight he wanted me to read him the questions and I would input the information.  This was a very eye opening exercise simply doing it this way.  I normally do not know what each answer is, only his &quot;results&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To start off explaining, all questions had a 1 to 4 rating.  1 was &quot;strongly agree&quot; and 4 was &quot;strongly disagree&quot;.  Right out of the gate he told me he would only be giving me 2's and 3's because you either agree or you don't, and these were &quot;clearly&quot; yes or no questions according to him, that didn't require 4 options. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As we go through the questions, I was really dumbfounded by his answers.  For an example one question stated that you look forward to social gatherings.  He responded yes.  However I have been with this man for 25 years and have dragged him to every event we have attended, with a ton of complaints, and often just left him home and went on my own when his complaining was too much work.  They said something about liking travel, which he also agreed.  That made me laugh because just a week ago I cancelled a trip that we were planning because he constantly tells me he doesn't want to go, and it was a trip to see his brother, whom he is close with.  I have even tried to get him to go alone, thinking it was me or the kids that were the reason.  He wasn't interested in going at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then the best part was when the question was about seeing the world as very black and white without many shades of gray.  He said no.  The same man who wouldn't rate levels 1-4 because &quot;everything&quot; is just a yes or no, now says he sees &quot;degrees&quot; to things and could not understand when I was trying to explain to him that this was relatively ironic, given the refusal to rate each item, that now he thinks he is not prone to black and white thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question now is, how do I find information on how to encourage him to become more self aware?  I was always a little aware that he isn't aware of how he comes across at times.  I have even in the past recorded him for the purpose of showing him that he can be gruff even when he isn't intending it. That seemed to help, but now that we did this 50 question quiz and I saw how he answered them and at a loss.  About 80% of how he answered did not match up to what &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would have answered on his behalf based on &lt;em&gt;actual&lt;/em&gt; behavior.  I am not claiming I was right on the way I would have answered all of them, but I know he was really not being real.  At one point I actually thought perhaps he was messing with me until he became a little irritated at me asking if he was serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if there is nothing out there that assists in helping someone become more self aware, then I guess so be it.  I figured I could at least look.  I did some of my own digging but didn't turn up much and most seemed to relate to workplace issue, not life.  I am not even positive I think it is something someone &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do for someone else.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For clarity, things are fine in my marriage.  We get along well, and accept one another's quirks and such overall.  It could always improve though and I do think him being more aware of his own &quot;way of being&quot; would help that.  The other day for instance, I was talking on the phone making plans to go to an event.  After I got off the phone he acted hurt I didn't ask him.  I asked him if he wanted to come too and said that I would love him to come (I would).  He seemed enthused about it (I was thrilled he wanted to come).  Then, the following day, when we were supposed to go, he had not only changed his mind, but made it seem like he never really wanted to go in the first place.  I hadn't asked him initially because usually he doesn't say yes anyway so sometimes I even forget him coming could be an option because I am so used to going to things alone.  I wasn't upset, I am very used to this 25 years into it, I am just giving an example of &quot;how he is&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T15:34:03.493" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T20:33:33.880" Title="Can you help someone become more self aware?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2342" CreationDate="2017-08-23T07:58:00.680" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I guess there's an obvious answer here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you ran through the quiz questions with your husband, did you discuss the answers as they occurred, or did you simply take down the answers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When doing quizzes like this, people subconsciously fall into the trap of choosing the &quot;right&quot; answer based on what they feel is the idea.  You see a lot of this on dating web-site questionnaires where people want to appear to have more attractive personality  than they really have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you discuss the answers, you'll get a lot more insight into each other's personalities and move forwards a lot more positively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes things like this are a good catalyst to speaking to one another about things that are difficult to bring up in day-to-day conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T07:58:00.680" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2344" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2416" CreationDate="2017-08-23T08:37:28.940" Score="8" ViewCount="4473" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've got a problem with my nose. It randomly starts bleeding whenever, especially when I have a cold or the weather is changing. It's been known to suddenly start bleeding even when I'm just standing there. It can take anywhere between two minutes and an hour to stop the bleeding, and there's no way to tell at the beginning how long it will take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've got to meet (repeatedly) with some people (most my age (15), others 17/18). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I do if I have a nosebleed in the middle? Run out and take care of it? Sit there with a tissue on my nose until it stops? Something else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to miss anything in the meeting, but I also don't want to gross anyone out or anything (a cousin of mine has fainted at the sight of blood). Then again, if I catch it in time, and just hold the tissue there people don't have to see the blood. I'm hoping that it &lt;em&gt;won't&lt;/em&gt; bleed, but what should I do if it does?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I do carry tissues with me.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Should I attempt to stop the bleeding while at the meeting or leave the room to take care of it?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I'm &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; looking for medical advice on how to stop the bleeding.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-09-04T07:37:06.310" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T07:37:06.310" Title="What should I do if I have a nosebleed in the middle of a meeting?" Tags="&lt;teenagers&gt;&lt;meetings&gt;&lt;israel&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-01-16T14:30:13.040" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2342" CreationDate="2017-08-23T08:40:28.023" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the tone of your question, your conclusion about your spouse self-awareness doesn't seem to be an element on which you have doubts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you tried to discuss his answers individiually with him, so that you could understand &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; he answered that ? I ask this, because unless you really understand why he answered that he likes to travel and why he canceled his trip to his brothers, you cannot conclude anything significant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason why you don't know how to solve his lack of self-awareness issue, to me, is that you barely noticed it, diagnosed it and started looking for a way to &lt;em&gt;cure&lt;/em&gt; it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether or not your conclusions are correct, what you are refering to is both a part of your spouse's personality and the way it appear from the outside. That's a trait of his.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should talk to him about it in a neutral way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that he became irritated when you asked if he was serious. You were basically calling him for being wrong on questions about &lt;strong&gt;himself&lt;/strong&gt;. Whether or not your were right regarding him being wrong, that's pretty irritating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should get more information by talking about it with him in a more neutral way. In other words, don't go to him with loaded questions assuming that his lack of self-awareness is a real thing. Go through the test one more time with him asking him to explain his reasoning to you if you haven't yet, tell him that the experience interested you the other time because it gives you the occasion to learn more about him, which is the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making assumptions about how other people think or work can be seen as reductive or arrogant, whether or not it's your intent, so you would benefit from not walking that path. Work with him to know the &lt;strong&gt;real&lt;/strong&gt; deal about him instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't have certaian conclusions if any of the observation it's based on is dubious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T08:40:28.023" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2344" CreationDate="2017-08-23T08:55:51.357" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say it depends on the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It'd be fine to hold a tissue to it for a minute or two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Holding it for an hour would be distracting. If it's in any way a distraction to others in the meeting, taking it elsewhere seems like the better option. You may excuse yourself from the meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If some people might be shocked at the sight of blood, just briefly explain why it's no big deal (for the reasons you mentioned).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have a bleeding nose, but I'm relating to it based on the situations where I have a common cold. It's usually because of dust or the air quality, and not contagious. Either way, I'd excuse myself from the meeting and go to the bathroom, empty the nose and come back feeling relieved. I'd also choose a seat where it would cause the least inconvenience to others, in case I plan to remain in the meeting for long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T09:26:29.400" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T09:26:29.400" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2342" CreationDate="2017-08-23T09:07:13.763" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you answered the question in your own post; you can help someone become more self-aware (assuming they &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to become more self-aware, some people might not) by showing them themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't usually go through life experiencing ourselves objectively as an outsider, and unless you make a point of reflecting on your own behavior a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt;, you won't really know how you come across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there are ways to help yourself see how you act when you aren't thinking about the questions, to see how you really are, and how you're being perceived, by keeping an objective log.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step would be asking whether your partner is actually interested in doing this, because it'll take some time and it might be quite confrontational for &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if he's up for it, I would suggest both of you keeping a diary. When events happen, sit down together for a moment and each for yourself, write down how you felt about that event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the week, review both diaries, side by side. One diary will be &quot;how did I really feel?&quot; and the other will be &quot;how was I perceived by my partner?&quot;. Events like the trip will have multiple entries, ideally they will show how your partner's feelings towards it (and your perception of them) changed over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should be a good starting point for your partner to either find out more about himself, or find about more about how he comes across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T09:07:13.763" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2348" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2344" CreationDate="2017-08-23T09:13:44.240" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I attempt to stop the bleeding while at the meeting or leave the room to take care of it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can choose where you sit, I'd carefully pick a seat next to someone you know that won't be bothered with your temporary impediment. If possible, &lt;strong&gt;a seat close to the door&lt;/strong&gt;, just in case you need to step out because it becomes more important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want/need to attend the meeting, and can handle the bleeding with a tissue, it's fine. It's not rude / impolite. It happens, no big deal, as long as it doesn't bother or hurt others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say: if it's a small bleeding (and/or doesn't last long), stay in the room, if not, you may consider taking care of it outside, so that it doesn't disturb the meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T10:29:52.047" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T10:29:52.047" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2344" CreationDate="2017-08-23T10:50:55.937" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd first excuse myself for causing a distraction or for potentially showing a few drops of blood to the people in the meeting. But if it's a 'serious' meeting and the holding of your nose isn't going to affect what you're doing, then I think you should stay unless asked to leave. I used to get a lot of nosebleeds and apart from being limited to using one hand for a few minutes, it never really required a timeout.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4034" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T10:50:55.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2342" CreationDate="2017-08-23T11:01:40.263" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;First let me drop some important thoughts and ideas because I believe you're inferring too much and too easily. Your assessment might be true but you'll find that I'll also be questioning you  here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like working out, if asked if I like working out I would answer yes, yet every time I hit the gym, go to do some swimming laps or out for a run I have to drag myself to it. The activity and result feels good but the actual act of getting started is a drag almost every single time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An activity which is enjoyable might also be fraught with stress (while an extreme case this was especially obvious when I worked as a personal assistant for people with various disorders). The fact that you have to drag him to an event and the fact that he looks forward to or enjoys them &lt;em&gt;are not mutually exclusive&lt;/em&gt;. You seem to have inferred that since you have to pull him there he must not enjoy the event in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that long introductory interlude let's get down to business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What people often grapple with in cases like this is called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Cognitive Dissonance&lt;/a&gt;, which briefly put is mental discomfort caused by having conflicting ideas simultaneously. It might be that the reason this question exists is actually cognitive dissonance in you; after all your husband cannot &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; like going to trips and undertake actions to not go there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the cases you present actually makes it seem very plausible that your husband is very binary in his thinking. For him binary thinking might very well be a defense mechanism to protect himself from cognitive dissonance. What in psychology is called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_(psychology)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Splitting&lt;/a&gt; is when people reduce the spectrum of a concept into two polarizable extremes, we're all guilty of this at times even though the Wikipedia page and Google searches might lead you to believe that this only occurs in people with borderline personality disorder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this had been an actual problem in your relationship my obvious recommendation would have been therapy. That is however still my recommendation if only because I frankly don't know myself if there are some simple exercises to undertake to ease people out of this. What little experience I have tells me that, as in most cases, the person must first come to realize that they actually are doing this. Perhaps you can achieve this through meaningful discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4022" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T11:01:40.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2352" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2312" CreationDate="2017-08-23T11:31:43.770" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have Asperger's, I was diagnosed at almost 50 years of age which is pretty late in life and I spent my childhood and adult life up until now being 'a bit weird'. Following the diagnosis I am still exactly the same, it has made minimal impact on my life (except that it allowed my employer to tick a diversity box) although some people regard me differently. I am still 'a bit weird', I am direct, I don't lie, I like order, I am in demand for my ability to proofread and come up with alternative solutions to engineering problems that nobody else seems to think of. As far as I am concerned all these thing happened before my diagnosis and I was valued for my skills. Now some people get the idea that I am Rain Man and that my skills are not earned and somehow I am cheating. At my age I just don't care what people think but if the diagnosis had happened when I was younger then I suspect that I would not have reacted too well as I am very independent and the thought of having to accept help post-diagnosis would not have sat well with me. Many people with Asperger's are independent and do not accept help well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is it about your friend that makes you think that a diagnosis will, in any way, help? Is your friend experiencing particular difficulties interacting with the world and society? Hanging a label on things does not make them better. I had anxieties and learned coping strategies to deal with the anxiety, not the Asperger's. I also had problems with being too literal that I have addressed. These were done because they were problems not because I had Asperger's.&#xA;Be very careful what you suggest because this label can have a serious effect. HR suddenly took great interest in me as a pet project until we had a robust discussion. Sometimes people choose to 'interpret' for me. &quot;He doesn't mean to be rude, he has Asperger's&quot;. No I really really really meant to be rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice; help your friend deal with the symptoms and problems. The label has little effect unless an employer really needs the diagnosis to do something. Even though we live in more enlightened times some people can, consciously or unconsciously, address the label and not the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4043" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T11:31:43.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2353" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2364" CreationDate="2017-08-23T11:54:25.830" Score="12" ViewCount="4912" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: &lt;strong&gt;How do I to tell a &lt;em&gt;judgemental&lt;/em&gt; person with unsubstantiated statements, making it a clear and definitive statement, that she may not move things around in our office?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That person (I'll call her &quot;Alice&quot;) isn't business-related but is family-related to my business partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Alice&quot; always criticizes, not directly with words, but rather with small actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background: I run a small business with a founding partner (FP) I've known for years and worked with before. We did everything by ourselves &lt;strong&gt;but&lt;/strong&gt; one thing: we needed legal and business/marketing advice from someone, and my FP's mother-in-law (&quot;Alice&quot;) had that name in her professional address book. She introduced us to the person, all went fine, we thanked her. Before we opened, we had all the stuff put in the office, from desks to PC to flowers and paintings, well, everything to have a nice and functional environment/workplace. 6/8 weeks later, we set up a small and friendly &lt;em&gt;Opening Party&lt;/em&gt;, inviting family, friends, and some neighbours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What Alice did (twice! before the opening date, and at the opening party) was moving things around, saying &lt;em&gt;it's much better here&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;it'll look good here&lt;/em&gt;, or &lt;em&gt;you can't have this here!&lt;/em&gt;. And so on... No matter why &lt;strong&gt;we want and need&lt;/strong&gt; things organized one way, for customers or ourselves, she'll step in and mess the whole thing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I did:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;say nothing, and put stuff back to its place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;say nicely (kind of slightly joking tone) &quot;we need it here for [ X ] reason, you know...&quot;, and put stuff back to its place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't know her before my FP suggested he asks her for help &lt;em&gt;once&lt;/em&gt; on our behalf.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We often have customers saying that our office is cute, feels warm and welcoming.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To me, Alice's one of the most selfish, arrogant and disdainful people I've ever met. Her words and gestures carry the highest level of lack of respect I've seen in one's behaviour. No need to say I avoid her anytime I can, as I believe she's not, as &lt;strong&gt;she thinks&lt;/strong&gt;, the &lt;em&gt;best person in the world, the only one that Earth is worth feeding, with such a good taste, and the only one who knows perfectly how it works and how things should be done&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This happens at the workplace but is more related to IPS as it's not about customer/staff relationship, which I can handle in a professional manner.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;FP is 100% with me and will let me handle it my way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Alice&quot; works at a place very close to our office. Her daughter (FP's GF) comes to pick him up for lunch, or after work. They find it convenient to meet at our's. GF thinks her mother's the best on earth, nothing wrong with her...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, I just talk to my FP and &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; GF about her, and they both agree: roughly, &lt;em&gt;no comment about such a personality and behaviour...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice is irritating, and now, next time she comes around and starts over again, I feel like I won't be able to remain calm and (at the very least) restrain myself from throwing her a pointed/acerbic comment. I even thought about telling her that she's &lt;strong&gt;not welcome&lt;/strong&gt; to visit us anymore. As I don't owe her &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; (but respect?), and I don't want to hurt my FP feelings or put him in trouble, I'm looking for a good/better way to handle this irritating situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T13:32:35.717" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T23:34:30.087" Title="How do I to tell someone to stop criticizing what we do?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2342" CreationDate="2017-08-23T12:03:21.603" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My experience with helping along with self-awareness is that it often comes from experience; experience with dealing with the consequences of one's own actions. To me, it's a part of maturing, and it's sped up by having to deal with obstacles and challenges in life - and by not having &lt;em&gt;other people&lt;/em&gt; deal with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't know if I'm bad at cooking if I never have to do it myself because somebody else always takes care of it. &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;I might even think it's easy because I never wasted much thought on it&lt;/a&gt;. But if that somebody suddenly can't or won't cook any longer, I'll find out real quick if I'm good at it or where else I can get my food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A part of letting people mature is stopping shielding them from the consequences of their own behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would happen if you stopped dragging your husband along for trips and just went on your own (or with others)?&#xA;What would happen if you stopped inviting him along to things he normally doesn't want to do? What if you stopped apologising for not inviting him along and just said (neutrally) &quot;Oh, I thought you didn't want to come because you usually never come. I didn't think it would be a big deal&quot;. What if you stopped accepting his... reality distortion if he skips planned events by claiming he never really wanted to go? &quot;You were upset yesterday because I didn't invite you along. Now you claim you didn't want to go from the start. Something is off here.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, that's somewhat at odds with your desire to not rock the boat. I felt similarly in my relationship but over time discoverd that a little motion doesn't immediately make the boat capsize. My partner didn't run away when I confronted them with their BS; rather we talked it out (when they really had to because they realised it was serious for me) and it made the relationship stronger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helped for me was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Framing behaviour as consequences of their own actions (&quot;You always complain about travelling so it was natural to assume you didn't want to come along&quot;).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledging (to myself) and pointing out emotional costs (&quot;Hey, talking you into travelling takes a lot of time and patience on my side - and frankly I can do without that. You sound like you'd be much happier at home anyways.&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not buying into their &quot;Being complicated is just way I am (and &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; have to deal with it)&quot;-mindset any longer. Turns out people can &quot;uncomplicate&quot; themselves pretty quick if they have to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accepting if they didn't want to do something I would have liked them to join - and doing it on my own without regrets.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you can't &quot;make him&quot; more self-aware but you can change the incentives a little so that he has more reason to think about his behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;edited to add:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible that in this quiz exercise, he's trying to appear as the kind of person he thinks you would like to be with? Is he (ineptly) trying to make himself look like (what he thinks is) &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; dream husband?&#xA;Is the idea that couples must like the same things and must do everything together very strong with him - or you - or both?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe things'd get a little easier if you allowed each other and yourselves to occasionally do stuff and like stuff the other one isn't interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastEditorUserId="1798" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T10:51:20.057" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T10:51:20.057" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2355" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2359" CreationDate="2017-08-23T12:20:38.067" Score="20" ViewCount="12366" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from France and I've been educated with &quot;eating manners&quot; I consider &quot;normal&quot; (chew with your mouth closed, don't put your elbows on the table, wait until everyone is served before starting to eat...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm OK with people that don't share theses &quot;rules&quot; though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thing is, my girlfriend's mother (their parents come 3/4 times per month) has the habit of eating with her mouth wide open. It's noisy, not very elegant (in my opinion) and that makes me slightly uncomfortable, but I'm okay dealing with it. She is very nice and generous otherwise, and I don't want her to be offended -- which she can easily be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, &lt;strong&gt;I'm afraid that this behavior might cause her trouble in other circumstances, and I think she might be unaware of her way of eating with mouth open&lt;/strong&gt;: she told us a story about how she was eating a croissant in a café with a colleague, and she dipped her croissant in her coffee. The colleague responded to her in a rude way, saying stuff like &quot;&lt;em&gt;it's truly a shame to eat that way, I can't believe it, if I were you I'd be covered in shame...&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She keeps telling that story like a joke because the colleague would be the one who's wrong because dipping your croissant in the coffee is not &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; shameful, and in my opinion pretty common where we live. However, I'm seriously thinking that said colleague was rude because of the way she chews...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I'm worried that this issue might cause her more trouble: in her job, she will be more and more solicited to business meals or cocktails with people I'd qualify &quot;classy&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell someone that, in my opinion, eating with your mouth open might offend people you are eating with, and that I'm worried that this could disservice them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this is like a &quot;stepmother-stepson&quot; relationship, we're not as close as family or friends, but still close, so I really don't want to be rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I already talked about this with my girlfriend, she's &lt;em&gt;indeed&lt;/em&gt; at a better place to tell her. However, she is more reluctant than me to take the risk of being somehow offensive, and cares less about possible ways that this could, again, disservice her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4032" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T13:03:44.910" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T08:50:59.660" Title="How to tell someone that they are eating with their mouth open?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2355" CreationDate="2017-08-23T12:29:44.853" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to eat with my mouth opened. This habit was changed by my colleague and I am sharing what she did which really worked. And I wonder if she checked &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/06/manner-matters-friend-chews-mouth-open.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this link&lt;/a&gt; for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, don't tell it loudly and in front of everybody else because this might make that person feel hatred for you. If you really need to tell that while you're eating in a group, try telling him/her in a voice lower enough to let him/her hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you can tell him/her like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure that you do not realize it, but you are eating with your mouth open. (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/06/manner-matters-friend-chews-mouth-open.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Source&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but it's kind of difficult for me to eat while seeing someone eating with their mouth open. Can you please not keep your mouth opened while eating?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you've got to repeat it as long as it is necessary since it does not usually take too many attempts before he/she realizes that he/she is eating with opened mouth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T04:44:00.087" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T04:44:00.087" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2312" CreationDate="2017-08-23T12:39:59.387" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, you are never going to get an objectively &lt;em&gt;&quot;right&quot;&lt;/em&gt; answer to this one. But let me share my opinion based on my own experience as a person with Asperger's (now known as autism-spectrum disorder).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back in 2012 a good friend of mine presented me with the Wikipedia page for Asperger's syndrome and told me she thought it reminded her of me. This was done privately at work, we were in neighbouring cubicles, and she then left me to my own to read the article at my own pace. It put me down a bit but I thought about it a bit for the next couple of months. Roughly six months later, for completely other reasons, I met with a psychiatrist to evaluate a possible burn-out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I got my preliminary diagnosis about a month after that, and the on-paper diagnosis about three months after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have now spent about four years and a bit having to redefine my entire world-view to one where I and the average person have a very different experience of the world. Especially in interpersonal relations. I would liken it to a religious person losing their faith. Scary stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should you let your friend know? I would say absolutely &lt;em&gt;yes&lt;/em&gt;. All I can say is that I am deeply grateful to my friend for caring and trusting me enough to let me know her thoughts, and the diagnosis is &lt;em&gt;the best thing&lt;/em&gt; that has ever happened to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it is scary. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it can potentially cause problems. Yes, you can end up in a lot of grief depending where you live. But frankly, the realisation and wealth of research material and personal anecdotes from other autistic people have helped to answer a whole heap of questions I have had for years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I now have access to a whole heap of aid that has taken a load of my shoulders and I can avoid large social gatherings at holidays without hurting anyone's feelings (I don't do well in those and mainly sit in a corner in a panic state the entire event).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember to adjust the way you suggest it based on your friends personality. I am theoretically-minded and the first books I picked up to were course material for psychiatrists and poured over stuff from &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Attwood&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Tony Attwood&lt;/a&gt;. Another autistic I know do not respond well to theoretical books and struggled with all theoretical courses in school, but excelled in more practical courses, for such a person presenting a Wikipedia page or theoretical book will likely not cause a good reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For any personality, and anyone in general, I highly recommend the excellent read &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Reason_I_Jump&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;The Reason I Jump&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; by Naoki Higashida (ISBN: 978-0-812-99486-5).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing to keep in mind when discussing this with your friend is that, sadly, the cultural views relevant to you will have an affect as well. I live in Sweden where, while people might not always be comfortable discussing mental health, there is generally a good understanding and social support for special needs with several law frameworks to rely upon. I understand that it is the same in Germany, but I do not know about Switzerland. So keep that in mind as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4042" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T12:39:59.387" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2358" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-23T13:02:55.423" Score="14" ViewCount="5216" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I broke up with my ex about some years ago. I've been through a lot all those (many) years I was in a relationship with her, due to the fact that she suffered from various disorders such as depression, anorexia and OCD. Just to be clear I don't blame her for having those issues - and I helped her through the end - but because she wasn't a good person overall and she constantly tried to take advantage of her situation in order to make me and her family guilty, so that she could take what she wanted - mainly attention and money to buy unnecessary stuff and have plastic surgeries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So after all those years in which she was practically extorting money off me, she still owes me. She gives back small portions but often postpones it, because she wants to buy more things. I've been in countless arguments with her, but to no avail. This makes me really upset, not only because I need the money back, but also because I really want to cut ties with her, as I really don't like having to talk to her every now and then. I also have a serious relationship and my girlfriend isn't happy with the situation. I asked her to put the money in the bank directly which she didn't, making all kinds of excuses and further delaying the payment because, by the time I asked if she did, she had already spent it all. I've talked about it with her brother, who still thinks of me as one of his best friends, but she doesn't listen to anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what to do to make her pay back the entire amount, or even pay me the portions when agreed. How can I persuade such a difficult person to be consistent with her obligation towards me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I've considered stop requesting the money back, I just asked this question in case someone can give me some advice I haven't thought of yet, so this situation wouldn't end up so unfairly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I can't afford to take this to court, nor I think I have enough proof in order to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I live in southern Europe if that helps. Things are pretty loose around here and the minimum amount of dept that sends you to prison is quite big - but still less than the amount I'm talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T06:52:09.750" Title="How to handle a manipulative person who owes me money" Tags="&lt;europe&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2355" CreationDate="2017-08-23T13:06:53.397" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you should simply hold back (or wait until your girlfriend says something) because: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if your girlfriend is unwilling to mention anything to her, there are more negatives than there are positives. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;We know&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you're doing it from a good place by trying to prevent any further embarrassment with her doing so, but seemingly her mother doesn't seem to care too much. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You only see her 3 to 4 times a month and as you've stated &quot;...I'm okay dealing with it&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Pros&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She stops eating with her mouth open&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Cons&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She remembers this and it causes animosity between you and her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She could take offense that you're saying it and not her own daughter. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes our in-laws, step-parents and other none intermediate family do things we don't like, but I don't think this is big enough of an issue for you to cause any potential animosity between you, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;grit your teeth and smile&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T16:33:47.870" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T16:33:47.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2360" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2353" CreationDate="2017-08-23T13:10:28.047" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see what you're dealing with. Usually this happens when the person is over-qualified (in your case, for giving legal and business advice) and feels like they're entitled to doing more than just what they were hired for. It starts out with moving small stuff, but it can escalate to her considering herself an FP too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try looking for a replacement. If you could find one, then you can address her with harsh criticism; If she listens and obeys, it's all good then. If she doesn't, she can leave and you'll have a replacement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If however no replacements could be found, then I suggest you give a more calculated, less harsh remark.. Or you could bring it up numerously as a joke (For example: What financial or legal case could possibly justify you moving the flowers around ?). The repeated but light reminder should hopefully get her to think something like &quot;You know what, he's right; I have one job to do here, and moving stuff around isn't part of it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I have no tolerance for people like this, I would feel no guilt for giving a harsh criticism and later let her go, no matter the consequence of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4050" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T13:10:28.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2361" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2365" CreationDate="2017-08-23T13:15:30.987" Score="71" ViewCount="26609" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother is quite single-minded in getting what she wants.  Unfortunately, she also has only a single tactic: trying to convince me every single time we talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of these things are products or activities that my wife and I have no interest in.  Yet saying &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; is not a solution.  It just leads to us having to explain why we're not interested, and then reply to every single counter she provides to our objections.  Eventually, the topic will be dropped... only to continue the very next time we communicate, at which point we have to start the whole thing over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples include activities like kayaking, one of those food services where they send weekly packages to your house containing all of the ingredients for a single meal along with the recipes, and an expensive &amp;quot;concierge healthcare service&amp;quot; that is basically paying someone to facilitate doctor visits and handling healthcare issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was in my 30's, there was a span of several years where she was trying to get me to buy a kayak so I could go with her.  No matter how I phrased my complete lack of interest, she refused to accept it.  I tried responses like &amp;quot;kayaking doesn't sound fun to me&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;I can't afford it&amp;quot;, and &amp;quot;I don't have any place to store a kayak&amp;quot;.  She had a counter for each one (&amp;quot;try it!  You'll love it once you're on the water... I did!&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;they're not that expensive, and you can get payment plans!&amp;quot;, and &amp;quot;you can rent storage with us!&amp;quot;).  The only reason she stopped asking is because she stopped kayaking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I discussed the meal service, and agreed that it was too expensive, and not something we were interested in, because we already make meals similar to what they offer.  After 6 months of it being brought up every time, and our responding &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; in every way we could think of, my mother gave my wife a gift certificate for the program for my wife's birthday present.  The gift certificate was enough to cover one-and-a-half meals for two (we have a son, and they don't offer meals for three).  After that, every conversation with my mother involved &amp;quot;so, what did you think?&amp;quot; followed by audible disappointment when we said we hadn't tried it yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We did eventually shell out the money to get 4 meals (there was no option for 2 or 3 meals), paying out-of-pocket for more than the amount of the gift certificate.  We found it wasteful, overrated, and surprisingly inconvenient.  We then had to explain this to her on half a dozen different occasions before she finally dropped it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The concierge service seems to be trying to solve a problem we don't have (long waiting times for appointments, difficulty understanding test results, forgetting routine visits, etc.), and is expensive.  But apparently my mother and her husband will get a discount if we sign up as a referral, so I fear that this one will keep coming up for months.  We've already politely told her that we're not interested about 8 or 9 times, in a variety of ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How can I get her to stop badgering us over things we're not interested in?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T12:19:37.923" Title="How do I deal with a mother who won't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="21" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-23T13:41:32.097" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;People can be hard but especially family you can't avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am no expert but you could try and think of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is the reason she is pursuing her ideas on you? Do you know the reason, did you talk to her about it. Probably this is just a symptom of a deeper lying issue. For example, it could be she misses you and wants your attention, it could be she feels useless and by selling her ideas to you and not take no for an answer that she feels useful. Or simply she gets some other personal gain out of it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be loving. Simply saying no or joking about it might be an easy way to deal with the situation but might not solve it in this case. Confront her and try to be vulnerable about how you feel about her behavior towards you. Seeing that her behavior hurts you might wake up a mothers instinct to protect her kid from herself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In addition&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she accepts your feedback at some point but keeps coming back with new things, it could be good to point out to her it's the behavior pattern that feels to you like she is trying to lead your life. She might otherwise think it's a/the single example and come back with other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T20:07:38.550" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T20:07:38.550" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2363" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2344" CreationDate="2017-08-23T13:43:17.980" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have the same issues you do from a dilated blood vessel in my nose. Dry buildings during winter are my biggest enemy and as a result I can have anywhere from 1 to 3 bloody nose incidents a day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, if you are having them as frequently as I do, people are going to inevitably discover that you deal with frequent nose bleeding so no sense in hiding it. Simply address it as it happens and excuse yourself as necessary. I don't know about your situation but I can usually feel them right as they begin but before there is any visible blood, so I have never had a colleague actually see any of my blood. This could be beneficial for you to learn as you can avoid most uncomfortable situations that involve actually seeing the blood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Along with that, I have never met anyone that has scolded me or wasn't sympathetic to my situation. A lot of my colleagues are kind enough to catch me up on anything that I miss, especially during those nose bleeds that just seem to never stop. My point is you can never predict when they will happen and or how long they will take and that is ok. It may make people temporarily uncomfortable but your condition has the biggest effect on you and your ability to participate. You should do what you can to address them as they happen and to be a participating member of the meetings you take part in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it's great that you keep tissues on you! I tend to keep moisturizer with me too as it keeps the vessels in my nose from cracking. I know you didn't ask for how to stop them, but something I wish I would have done when I was at your age and on my parents insurance is to get my nose cauterized. They are performed fairly regularly and there are a variety of procedures that are out-patient as well. These have a very, very good chance of putting your nose issues to rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4052" LastEditorUserId="4052" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T14:01:24.320" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T14:01:24.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2353" CreationDate="2017-08-23T13:44:02.150" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;You tell a judgmental, arrogant or selfish person the same way you tell anyone else. You sit them down in a private conversation, and you lay out the situation. In this case, the problem is that she's a guest in your office and you want her to act as such, so I'd suggest something along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, I notice that you've been moving things around the office. This needs to stop. The office has been arranged to our liking. Leave everything where it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's pretty straight-forward and honest. It's purely focused on Alice's behavior and clear about what your expectations of Alice's behavior are. There's also not a lot Alice can say to that that would not be &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; more rude than you are being. (If you're considering it rude at all; I wouldn't.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T13:44:02.150" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2365" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-23T13:53:20.900" Score="95" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like stereotypical &quot;door-to-door salesman&quot; behavior, and I think you might try the same tricks that work with those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say &quot;No.&quot;, and if they try to continue, just refuse to engage with them. If they come up with a &quot;Why not?&quot; just keep saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;We're not going to do it. Let's talk about something else.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you made clear that it's not a subject you want to talk about, it is not &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; being rude when she keeps bringing it up, and you can point that out to her when she accuses you of being rude:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I have been pretty clear that I do not wish to discuss this subject further. We gave you an answer. I think it is very rude of you to keep bringing it up.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if you want jokingly take it to the next level, you could always warn her you'll put up a &quot;No Soliciting&quot; sign outside your door and you'll add her name to the list. (If you think she can handle a joke like that, obviously.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T13:53:20.900" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-23T13:59:06.190" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;That's a tough one! I'll try to bring some perspective, at least because I don't have to deal with that issue. Stay strong!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't specify any preferences regarding how you would prefer to solve the issue, and there is no tag regarding avoiding confrontation on the question. I hope it isn't a mistake, as it may be hard to reach both objectives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, your relationship with her is a war. Her objective is to make you and your wife buy stuff, your objective is to not buy stuff you don't need and she basically uses any weakness on any available occasion to advance her objective. My best explanation for that is that she tries to promote whatever she's into so that she feels validated, that's a common human behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's the case, then you are in it. She defines herself so much by what she does that she perceives her own validation from how many people seem to share her tastes, even if it's as artificial as being forced to subscribe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More information could be useful to draw a more precise picture, like : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How does her husband react?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Since when is she doing that?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did something happen that triggered it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Was it always that intense or did it increase progressively over time?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did you try to address it with her did you directly pointed out her behaviour to her as well as the negative effects it has on you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But from where I stand, I'd say that she has some focus issue, because she's making her own need for validation before your own good and is using you as a tool to reach it. You shouldn't be afraid by starting a confrontation, because it has already been started, &lt;strong&gt;by her&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you describe, she even has a well-rounded plan:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling you about something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking you to subscribe to/buy it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you decline...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking you why&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Countering your arguments&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Coming back at you with insistence until exhaustion, at which point you declare defeat and buys/subscribes to the damn thing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From how elaborate it is, and especially given how she seems to be ready for all your arguments, it wouldn't surprise me that she does it to other people as well, maybe to most people you know. I believe you may benefit from asking around about it, maybe you are far from being the only ones to be annoyed by her tactics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, her strategy is clear, she defeats you by exhausting your will to say no, she forces you to make the effort of defending your position again and again until you are too tired and back off. That's a war of exhaustion and she wins because she is the only one shooting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not advising you to do the same to her, as I don't think you'll even want to do it and it will tire you even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Instead, drop the fight, don't answer her, let her shoot above your heads.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's right. When she talks to you about something, take it as is, not as marketing.&#xA;If she asks you to buy it and you aren't interested, say it.&#xA;If she insists, respond that you said no.&#xA;If she insists again, change the topic.&#xA;If she still tries to come back to it, cease the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will quickly become clear to her that the same medium she's using, among other things, to manipulate you into buying stuff is getting less usable the more she tries to make you buy things, she will quickly have to choose between talking to you and your wife with respect or not talking to you at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="6343" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T07:03:12.280" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T07:03:12.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2223" CreationDate="2017-08-23T13:59:19.210" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the problem, in this case, is not the question but the relationship you have with the subject of the question and the goal (why the question is asked).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, I married and my wife got pregnant young and twice we got a son unplanned. Since the norm is that you get kids when you are 30+ in our country (The Netherlands) it can feel as like I have failed my life and it is something I should be very self-aware and unsure about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You asking the question to a young couple, could be just as rude as asking to an overweight person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you plan to get that fat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, if asked to a complete stranger, is very rude. This, asked to a good friend, is very daring and a test of his trust to you, it might deepen your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be sure with &lt;strong&gt;which reason&lt;/strong&gt; you ask this. Do you ask this because you want to be there for this person you want to love him/her and help him/her. Or are you simply interested so that you can make your own judgement of this person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If ever you ask this question ask it out of love not out of &lt;em&gt;self-gain&lt;/em&gt;. (In this case you wouldn't care as much as if the question was rude)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T12:36:20.073" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T12:36:20.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2340" CreationDate="2017-08-23T14:00:56.767" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you ask how to avoid, this would probably work. (Not discussing whether it's the good/bad thing to do.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put on headphones and greet-nod her while walking by. Nobody tries to talk to you if you have headphones on, unless they really need something from 'you'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4058" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T14:00:56.767" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2344" CreationDate="2017-08-23T14:12:35.373" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step outside of the room!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get nosebleeds all the time, and my very first thought is to get to a location where I can take care of it privately. As I'm sure you know, the flow can vary dramatically between nosebleeds. If it's light, you'll only be gone for a short while, but if it's heavy, you can take all the time you need to deal with it privately. If your heavy nosebleeds are anything like mine, even changing tissues can get messy unless you're very careful. This can make things both unsanitary and disgusting for others to be around. Even if it's light, you'll still have to deal with bloody tissues which can still be unsanitary around others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it happens, grab a tissue and put it to your nose, and excuse yourself. Staying in the meeting while trying to hold a tissue up to your nose can be distracting for you and others. Sure, you'll miss some things, but you can have someone fill you in on what you missed afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4057" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T14:12:35.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2358" CreationDate="2017-08-23T14:31:50.530" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am certainly no lawyer, but it is my understanding that in most U.S. jurisdictions, a transfer of money from one person to another is implicitly a loan unless specified otherwise. You might be able to recover some of your monies through small claims court. If she has paid you anything, that's evidence of the debt from her side, and bolsters your claim. You would be bound by jurisdictional caps on recovery amounts, and your costs would be capped at filing fees as there are no attorneys in small claims. Otherwise, for the sake of your future (well, current) relationship, it might be the most &lt;em&gt;practical&lt;/em&gt; thing to just consider it a bad life experience, cut your financial losses, and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3236" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T14:31:50.530" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2371" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2358" CreationDate="2017-08-23T15:24:09.490" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing I would do is draw up a letter that states how much money is owed and what the terms of repayment are.  Then get her to sign that letter with a witness.  If she refuses to sign this, and you do not already have some documentation as to the loan and the terms of repayment you are unlikely to ever be able to achieve your goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she will sign it or you already have the documentation and she fails to meet her obligations for repayment you have something to take into court.  If the court finds in your favor then they will issue a judgement which is legally binding and if she refuses to pay still or fails to meet the terms set there, there are options including garnishment of wages for your collection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, unless this sum is significant or your goal is more to make her life difficult, you are probably better off just writing off the debt as a bad investment and moving on with your life.  The hassle of suing and collecting on the debt will likely be far more effort than the rewards merit.  If you truly wish to just make a break with her, then the best bet is to just do that.  If you fight for the money chances are it will be several years before it is resolved.  On the other hand, you can probably make a clean break from her pretty easily if you just walk away from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you want more, the fight for the money, or the clean break?  You are not going to be able to get both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T12:41:22.203" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T12:41:22.203" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2358" CreationDate="2017-08-23T15:31:19.590" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to attempt an answer and assume you live in America for now, since that's where I live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it sounds like you're not worried about rescuing your friendship with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to mention court despite what you said, just because it's not as hard as most people think to go to small claims court. &lt;em&gt;I'm not a legal expert, just speaking from my experiences.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Currently, she has no incentive to pay you back&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'd advice you to cut your losses and leave her alone.&lt;/strong&gt; It sounds like the money was given to her while you were dating and that there is no proof that it was a loan. (Just about every Judge Judy episode is about this subject.) You're going to need solid evidence that it was a loan, not a gift. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dummies.com/education/law/the-burden-of-proof-in-small-claims-cases/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;A &quot;verbal contract&quot; is not usually enough for a court&lt;/a&gt;. However...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another tip is to &lt;strong&gt;threaten to take then to court&lt;/strong&gt;. That is often enough of an incentive to get them to pay up. Be prepared to back that up your threat. Also, if they admit to owing you money in their response, you could use that as evidence in court.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Small claims court - I've been to small claims court before, and it's not too bad. &lt;strong&gt;If you're dealing with someone who owes you money, sometimes it's the only way to get them to listen&lt;/strong&gt;. Also, at least in my home state, &lt;strong&gt;it's relatively cheap&lt;/strong&gt;. Generally below $100 if the claim isn't more than a certain value. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.mediate.com/articles/SoskinL1.cfm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Info on that&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;strong&gt;It might be worth the investment, given that she owes you a large amount of money&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hire a lawyer to write her a letter. You could ask for the lawyer's legal fees in addition to what she owes you. It should only cost an additional $200 or so.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2191" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T20:16:09.640" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T20:16:09.640" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2374" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-23T15:55:12.510" Score="10" ViewCount="1780" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, I was going out with a friend. We were looking for parking in a small city (population ~30,000) in the northeastern United States at around 6:00 PM, and things were fairly crowded. After 20 minutes, we saw that a woman was walking towards her car, parked in a roadside spot. She saw us and seemed to indicate that she would be leaving; she got in the car alone and turned on the ignition, then put on her lights. She then sat in the car for three minutes without moving; I didn't have a good enough view to see what she was doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We waited until a nearby light changed and more traffic headed our way (on road with two lanes on either side). We were about to just give up and drive away when the woman suddenly pulled out of the spot. We then successfully parallel-parked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In hindsight, we would have liked to have asked the woman if she would be leaving soon, rather than waiting and potentially blocking traffic (at which point we would of course have left). However, we couldn't think of a good way to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We could honk, but that wouldn't be clear and would probably be rude. I prefer not to honk out of annoyance, only in dangerous situations.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One person could get out of the car and walk onto the sidewalk, but there was little room to safely open a door. Plus, this isn't possible when there's only one person in the car.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We could pull alongside her and ask, but we would then have to back up to get the spot, and it's possible that someone would move in behind us. Additionally, her windows were down.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a polite (and of course safe) way for us to ask another driver in this situation if they will be leaving the spot? I don't want to ask her (or tell her) to move; I just want to ask if she will be leaving the spot soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a diagram of the situation, as per WeaselADAPT's request:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/O9tC6.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/O9tC6m.png&quot; alt=&quot;Diagram of situation&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sup&gt;click to embiggen&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The yellow arrows indicate the direction of traffic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:57:04.467" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:57:04.467" Title="How can I ask if a person is leaving a parking space?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;driving&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2375" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2342" CreationDate="2017-08-23T15:55:56.950" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the short answer is 'probably not' in this case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're too close to the person in question to offer an objective point of view. You can shed light on how you perceive him, but that isn't anymore objective than how he perceives himself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Human interaction is often messy because we all tend to have differences in how we see our selves, how we would like to be seen by others, and how we are actually seen by others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with trying to make someone that you're close to &quot;more self aware&quot; is that success is in the eye of the beholder. Are you trying to make them aware of how &lt;em&gt;others&lt;/em&gt; perceive him, or are you trying to make him aware of how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; perceive him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's natural to think that your perception of his behavior is shared by &lt;em&gt;others&lt;/em&gt;, but being so close to him you have a unique point of view. That's not to say that he shouldn't be aware of it, it's just saying that it isn't objective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My ex-wife and I are still very close, we value each other's opinions because we know each other so well and often have a way of seeing through each other's nonsense to get to the root of an issue, but we both also have to acknowledge that we see each other through a sometimes distorted lense. The way she sees me is not the same as how a close friend, without all the history and baggage, would see me, and vice versa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Self awareness is something that your husband could probably stand to work on, because... Well... It's something we could all stand to work on. Just be aware that your awareness of him isn't necessarily the same thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T15:55:56.950" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2374" CreationDate="2017-08-23T16:13:30.367" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She saw us and seemed to indicate that she would be leaving&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm unsure if a person is leaving, I wave and point toward the space. Most people who are just sitting will either wave me on to look elsewhere or get moving a little more quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that she knew your intentions, she was probably just getting situated before driving off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes our modern conveniences aren't as convenient as we'd like... Think about the checklist of things that many people go through when they first get in their cars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Seatbelt&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Set the GPS&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Connect the Bluetooth&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pick music&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Adjust the AC&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And so on...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm saying is that it's likely that most people who see another car hovering near their soon to be vacant space know the deal. It just takes a minute for some people to get underway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T18:39:46.683" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T18:39:46.683" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2374" CreationDate="2017-08-23T16:18:13.910" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounding horn is definitely rude in such a context. The woman was in her car in a parking spot, not blocking traffic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She took a while to get going, and that's probably her getting ready with her phone, GPS, radio or something. Or maybe she received a text or call and decided to answer it before starting her trip. It's safer that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such situations, I would recommend you wait for a while, just like you did, or move away and find another spot in case you're about to cause a traffic block.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any effort to reach out to her would have some risks, and of them, you already mentioned some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I case there's ample room to open the door and safely walk up to her car, you may do so, and a nice approach would be to politely knock on her window, and if she looks at you or opens the window, ask or gesture to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, I was looking for a parking spot. Are you about to leave?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as always, with a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I suppose these etiquettes are universal. I'm in Dubai.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-02T16:27:02.010" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T16:27:02.010" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2378" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2387" CreationDate="2017-08-23T16:49:03.730" Score="6" ViewCount="1918" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work. A Lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of my job consists of running quantitative analysis on a variety of financials for a few different companies (I work for a holding company), and as I recently joined the company (3 months), I am still learning the ins and outs. Most of my current tasks revolve around trying to make the company more productive using methods like creating programs to automatically export and reformat documents to user specifications, and finding inefficiencies in the way that data is collected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boss knows how to manage people and has experience in the business, but focuses on me as I'm the only analyst in the company (they were using contractors before). One of the ways she likes to keep track of what I'm working on is a to-do list, which is great, but the way she utilizes it is hurting my actual production. Today alone, we've had 3 meetings to go over what's on the to-do list, what to add to it, what I'm working on and so forth. It's taken 3 hours of my day (hourly employee), and she's assigned quite a few things to be done before the week is out. I find that this time could be better spent on the actual projects rather than being pedantic over things on this list. I know also that she's incredibly busy and doesn't really have the time to be taking on these to-do lists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to underscore, &lt;strong&gt;to-do lists can be incredibly helpful&lt;/strong&gt;, but it's come to the point where we're over-complicating this item at the cost of time and therefore the company's money. As the business analyst, it's my job to stop exactly these sorts of practices, but we get to the rub of she's my direct boss. She does not like (from experience) being contradicted, and data has no effect on the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am from the west coast of the US in a medium sized company in a mid-level non management position. Please note that my time management is fine (and more importantly my boss doesn't have any issue with it), the bigger issue is the trying to save efficiency when the inefficiency is caused by someone with direct control over my job status.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I let my boss know that the meetings about my to-do list (and other similar management practices) aren't actually helpful to us?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastEditorUserId="2012" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T18:01:04.957" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T12:43:26.397" Title="How can I let my boss know her methods for management aren't useful?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2380" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2381" CreationDate="2017-08-23T17:13:14.403" Score="16" ViewCount="3730" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's a little background on what type of people I'm dealing with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're all in the same university that I go to. It's a faculty of engineering that has the most strict entrance exam in my country, so we generally all have high intellectual levels (But incidentally outside of class they talk like any average person).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Their subjects include but are not limited to fashion, sports, cars, money/work, or sometimes they just tell random funny stories, which are all topics that I can neither find interesting, nor able to talk about because I'm unaffiliated with anything related to those topics.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most of them are pretty good at social interaction, so I have high standards to meet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's a grand total of 200 people(that are in the same classes as me). Most of the time, they're different groups of 5 that get together between classes or during long breaks. They're not strangers to me, in fact I've spoken to all of them at some point so I wouldn't be intruding by participating in a group conversation. But I wouldn't explicitly consider any one of them a &quot;friend&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I wouldn't call them judgmental at all, in fact I think they're a pretty nice and understanding set of people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leaving is preferably not an option. I'm not particularly good at socializing so I want to practice by participating in as many group conversations as I can. There isn't any group that I prefer more than others; they're all the same to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I've already tried sparking up few topics that interest me (Mathematics, history, music, space exploration, controversial topics and sometimes started debates) but each time the conversation dies out very quickly, as opposed to a heated 1-hour debate they'd had on fuel-efficiency versus speed of modern production cars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'm aware of other questions asked on the forum that are similar to mine in topic, but they ask very different things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Found some interesting ideas that gave me some perspective and could be helpful for anyone who's inquiring on this topic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/CFHZyse4VGw?t=4m14s&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://youtu.be/CFHZyse4VGw?t=4m14s&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The URL opens the video at the important bit, but of course if you'd like you can watch the full video.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4050" LastEditorUserId="4050" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T06:47:06.020" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T06:47:06.020" Title="What to do when a group conversation is not interesting?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;college&gt;&lt;groups&gt;&lt;lebanon&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2380" CreationDate="2017-08-23T17:28:22.433" Score="10" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Try to learn a bit about these subjects for future conversations.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I go to a liberal arts college, which basically means that it's a small school with a lot of people who like to talk about a lot of different things. Students do get exposed to a variety of disciplines, but everyone seems to like to specialize, and there's always a topic or two that a person loves but nobody else wants to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;College in general is about several things, including giving students more exposure to the world around them. Sure, in many schools you can bury your nose in a subject and spend four years doing just that. It's very tempting; I've had to steer myself away from that mentality. But most schools aren't strictly about one subject or discipline. Sure, you're talking to people in the faculty of engineering; presumably, you're all interested in engineering. As you say, though, everyone &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; have other non-academic interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, try to learn them! I have a couple friends who like to talk about literature - Dostoevsky's era in particular. A couple discussions about his &lt;em&gt;Notes from Underground&lt;/em&gt; last fall left me feeling lost, so over winter break, I read the book. I thought it was okay, but it did lead me to other related books that I think are absolutely fantastic. And now, even though I'm an astrophysics-math double major, I can talk about some Russian literature!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't say you have to read about exactly the things they're talking about. For instance, if they're interested in the engine options in the latest Mustang, you don't have to learn about that. But I &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; recommend finding something &lt;em&gt;related&lt;/em&gt; to that - like maybe the computer models used to design said Mustang - that maybe you can be interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, I find that biology is often not too interesting for me, although I have plenty of friends who love it. One sub-discipline I do like is astrobiology. It's not a field with a tremendous amount of examples beyond Earth (!), but I find that talking about how chemical compounds needed for life arise is right up my alley. It's not convenient to inject into a conversation about, say, insect pathology, but it's a talking point that both I and my friends can find interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd encourage you to try to take the lead in some of these discussions by introducing new topics. It sounds like you're mostly on the outskirts of the conversations. That's fine; I'm often content to sit back and let a group conversation wander where it may. But sometimes, it's nice to develop another social conversational skill: learning how to raise new topics that interest you and the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's got to be some part of those other subjects you find interesting. Do you find the mathematics behind computational modeling of automobile designs interesting? How about historical fashion trends, and how they changed along with society? I'd advise trying to find those topics and sub-disciplines you find interesting. Learn a bit, and maybe you'll feel less lost and disinterested in conversations. I hope these other people will try to do the same - after all, that's one part of what college is all about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T23:41:52.163" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2382" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2403" CreationDate="2017-08-23T17:34:12.200" Score="23" ViewCount="11287" Body="&lt;p&gt;An email I received from my daughter's 2nd grade teacher has a grammatical error. The teacher wrote &quot;your daughter can meet with Amy and I&quot; where he should have written, &quot;your daughter can meet with Amy and me&quot;. The email was cc'd to other teachers but not other parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do think that it's important for teachers to use correct grammar, but I don't wish to embarrass or antagonize the teacher. FWIW, the teacher is a native speaker of English, and we are in California. The school year is just starting, so I don't know the teacher well; nor do I know if he makes English mistakes often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make sure the teacher is taught the correct rule in the least offensive manner? (I personally would want someone to correct my English mistakes, privately if possible, but I know from experience that not everyone responds well to correction.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided not to correct the teacher. He was so kind to my daughter at their meeting that I don't want to risk hurting the relationship. If he makes the mistake again and again, I may say something gentle, along the lines of some of the suggestions. I appreciate getting answers both to the question I asked (&lt;em&gt;How&lt;/em&gt; do I correct my daughter's teacher?)  and the question I should have asked (&lt;em&gt;Should&lt;/em&gt; I correct my daughter's teacher?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4083" LastEditorUserId="4083" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T21:30:27.470" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T07:22:40.553" Title="How do I correct my daughter's teacher's grammar?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2383" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2382" CreationDate="2017-08-23T17:44:34.343" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't believe there is a way to correct him without a serious risk of causing embarrassment and/or offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Grammatical and spelling errors are unfortunately quite common, particularly in email, which is generally treated as a less formal form of communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless the teacher is specifically an English teacher (in which case pointing out errors in his specialty is less objectionable), pointing out this mistake is likely going to come across as petty and unnecessary.  Unless I'm mistaken, in second grade, teachers typically teach multiple subjects, instead of focusing on a single one.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the teacher is specifically an English teacher, I'd wait until you notice a pattern before considering it.  It is still likely to cause conflict and tension.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to correct the teacher, do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; do so by copying anyone else in.  Send it just to the teacher, or, better yet, speak to them in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start by emphasizing that you are speaking to them in private because it is not your intention to embarrass or single them out.  Then explain that your concern is simply that proper grammar should be modeled for the children.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a disclaimer, I must admit that I frequently make the same mistake (&quot;I&quot; instead of &quot;me&quot; when someone else and I are not the subject).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T18:00:45.910" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T18:00:45.910" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2385" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2382" CreationDate="2017-08-23T17:52:59.397" Score="28" Body="&lt;h3&gt;There's no reason to correct the teacher, unless it is something you see often repeated.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Everybody makes miskates&lt;/strong&gt;. And in case you wish to correct this, do so as an aside to something else, subtly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I do not know what exactly you could write. Maybe you'll see a good suggestion from other answers.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My English teacher used to misspell &lt;em&gt;tomorrow&lt;/em&gt; as &lt;em&gt;to&lt;strong&gt;mm&lt;/strong&gt;o&lt;strong&gt;r&lt;/strong&gt;ow&lt;/em&gt;, when I was little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her letters to parents contained it quite often, as in, &amp;quot;tommorow we'll be conducting so-and-so in the class, please send so-and-so materials for it.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother, herself being a graduate in the English language, couldn't stand this after it was clear that it's not a one-time error.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She one day wrote a mini letter of sorts and attached it to the acknowledgement receipt that parents had to send back to the teacher. I have no idea what the actual content of the letter was, but my teacher was very happy reading that after I gave her the envelope, I could see from her face, as if she was saved from an even bigger embarrassment in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She wrote back to my mother how happy she was to receive that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was at a time when there were no emails or SMS. Phones, yes, but this wasn't a matter requiring an actual phone call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could try something subtle like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I, my mother and my teacher; we're all Indians, and this incident was in a school I attended in the Middle East.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T07:22:40.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2344" CreationDate="2017-08-23T18:06:24.270" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most appropriate thing to do is step outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's something you probably want to deal with more privately or in an appropriate area like the washroom, especially if the meeting is on the formal side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be distracting to others to see someone trying to deal with a nosebleed in the middle of a meeting. Also, who wants to sit in a room of people with a tissue jammed up their face for up to 10 minutes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd just step out, stop the bleeding, and go back in.  Seems like the best thing to do unless there's some crucial information coming from the meeting that you can't miss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4085" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T18:06:24.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2378" CreationDate="2017-08-23T18:56:19.713" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I were in your situation, I can see how the most visible concern would be inefficiency, but my deeper issue with the time-consuming meetings would be personal frustration. The overall practice sounds like classic micromanagement, which not only produces poor results, but impacts morale. You say that &quot;data has no effect on the matter,&quot; but a combined approach of &quot;this is demonstrably wasting our time&quot; and &quot;I am a person who has a relationship to you, and this impacts me emotionally&quot; may work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Choose your setting&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You work for a medium-sized company with multiple levels of employment. That probably means you have a practice of annual reviews (and if not, you should!). Since your boss seems like someone who is receptive to frequent communication, you may be able to request a semiannual or quarterly check-in along the same lines. Emphasize that you want to set aside an hour or so on this basis to discuss your work and set goals over a span of time that is longer than the immediate to-do lists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Align yourself with her inertia&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can schedule this kind of meeting, start by soliciting general feedback about your performance. It sounds like you feel good about your work and your boss has no problems with it, so this should put you on a positive footing. Either allow your boss to turn the question back on you, or try to bring up the reverse yourself--&quot;I actually have some thoughts on how we're working together right now, mind if I talk about that for a minute?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emphasize first that you like the specific clarity of the to-do lists, and that you're glad to be doing work that has your supervisor's attention. Then tell her how the frequency and duration of meetings is making you feel: frustrated, ineffective, untrusted. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/treatment/istate.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Use I-statements&lt;/a&gt; to make it clear that there's a problem without making her feel attacked or contradicted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Forge a path toward harmony&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, give her a chance to react, and gauge the temperature of the meeting. If the tone becomes hostile or if she denies that your feelings are worth acknowledging, thank her for listening and try to get out gracefully; you've revealed a larger personality conflict and you may need to go around or above her to change the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's receptive to your thoughts, though, this is your chance to reconfigure the issue with your analyst's skills. Acknowledge that you know she's busy and you want to make sure both of you can focus on your work. Offer a solution that sounds like you're taking on more accountability and labor, but that will actually save you time--for instance, sending a quick email after lunch and at the end of the day that will update her on your to-do list progress and your next priority. Once the idea of less intensive and synchronous communication is in the conversation, offer it back to her: how does it suit her? Does she have ideas or modifications to your proposal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Plan to benefit either way&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If things go well, you should be able to leave the meeting with a plan for better practices, and over time your boss's trust in you will increase. At worst, you'll be able to document bringing up the issue and having your initiative rejected, if this becomes a situation you need to take up the chain or to HR. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3339" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T18:56:19.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-23T19:27:21.030" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;No is a complete sentence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After leaving your parents house you no longer answer to them. You and your wife are your own unit. It's your mom's natural tendency to want you to remain part of her life but she must learn to understand that once you've given her your answer you have no obligation to change it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend reading &lt;a href=&quot;http://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0310247454&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Boundaries&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;http://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0345376471&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;No is a complete sentence&lt;/a&gt;.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also consider watching this: &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/vhG6abrb5bI?t=2m35s&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://youtu.be/vhG6abrb5bI?t=2m35s&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*I haven't read this one personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4087" LastEditorUserId="4087" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T13:26:41.257" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T13:26:41.257" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-23T19:42:26.607" Score="37" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Reasoning works only with reasonable people.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So stop giving her reasons. You already know she won't accept them, she will simply use them as a basis for an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a (boring) phrase and repeat it like a parrot: &amp;quot;No, Mom, we're not interested in that.&amp;quot; Maybe pair it with a subject change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe something vague and non-committal like &amp;quot;thanks, we'll think about that&amp;quot;. (You &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; think about it after all, immediately before dismissing it as a bad idea).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that works, great. If not, you need to step it up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Set a boundary and enforce it.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her clearly, &amp;quot;We're not interested in (&lt;em&gt;buying a kayak/joining a meal service/letting you stay in our guest room for a month/going on a cruise with you and Dad&lt;/em&gt;), and I'm not interested in talking about it anymore. If you can't drop this subject, I'm going to leave/hang up.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then do it. &lt;strong&gt;Hang up the phone&lt;/strong&gt; if she won't drop it. Or &lt;strong&gt;pack up the kids&lt;/strong&gt; and leave the house, if you are visiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may blow up. She may accuse you of thinking she's a terrible person. She may sulk and blame you. Doesn't matter, let all that roll off your back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will either learn, or she won't. Either way, you won't hear about kayaks anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;: If she is &lt;em&gt;in your home&lt;/em&gt; when this conversation occurs, enforcing this boundary involves some obvious logistical difficulties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can still disengage by &lt;em&gt;leaving the room&lt;/em&gt;, or obviously starting up a conversation with someone else, or being more forceful with &amp;quot;how about that subject change!&amp;quot; (I mean that literally, use the phrase &amp;quot;how about that subject change&amp;quot;), but trying to &lt;em&gt;get her out of your home&lt;/em&gt; is a much more direct confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't see yourself escalating to kicking her out, you need to seriously consider reducing her visits, at least until she has shown some improvement in her behavior. Insist on going &lt;em&gt;out&lt;/em&gt; to a restaurant/to the park, or whatever,  so you can exit on your own if needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do, &lt;strong&gt;always have your own transportation&lt;/strong&gt;, never get stranded somewhere relying on her for a ride back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't going to be easy, and she's not going to give in without a fight. You've had this dynamic with her your entire life, and she's not going to like your efforts to change it. But hold firm to your boundary, reduce your calls/visits as necessary, and she will either realize she has to relate on your terms, or not at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4090" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T13:44:44.020" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2391" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-23T20:10:35.293" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, with family, sometimes the solution is to &lt;strong&gt;stop being polite&lt;/strong&gt;. The great thing about family, though, is that your long association and history of love should help you get past this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom loved to buy me little &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tchotchke&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;tchotchkes&lt;/a&gt; whenever she felt like it. It was a sweet way of her showing that she cared about me but I eventually had to have a talk with her to say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really glad that you love me and want to show that but I don't have the room in my house to store all of these things so I need you to be aware that you have two options   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Keep buying them for me and expect that I will (after a short period of time) either pitch them or send them to a resale shop.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Stop buying them and send me a photo of it so that we can smile over it quickly and I know you were thinking of me but you don't waste your money and I don't throw away your presents.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's probably not a way to actually make this &lt;em&gt;stop&lt;/em&gt; as you really can't control other people but you can definitely stop throwing your own money after hers and, perhaps, if she realizes that she's wasting &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; money, she will stop pressuring you to spend your own. You can certainly tell her &quot;if you want to pay for it, go ahead, but I'm not going to spend money on this&quot;&lt;sup&gt;&amp;dagger;&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if your mom doesn't give you enough of a gift certificate to actually place an order with the food service, throw the gift certificate away (it's probably digital, so this is metaphorical, but... whatever). When she asks you whether you've used it, explain that you've not used it because it would cost you $X in addition to her $Y gift certificate just to place an order and you don't wish to spend your money on a product you do not want. One of two things will happen - either she'll give you another gift certificate or she'll leave you alone. If she gives you another gift certificate, you can try the product, pan it and tell her that you will never order from them again because you think it's a waste of money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would hope that your mom is doing this out of love. She wants to make your life easier or (in the case of the kayak) give you something you can share to increase your time together. In situations like the kayaking one, there's a middle ground - meet her somewhere that has kayak rentals. You get to spend time with her doing something that she enjoys without forking over money for a kayak that you have to store when you're not using it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, tell her thank you for her concerns about your time, show that you appreciate that she's trying to help you but firmly (and possibly brusquely) tell her, every time, &quot;No. This is a waste of money and I'm not going to do it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;dagger; This, of course, assumes that your mom has some disposable income she can use for this purpose. Hopefully she's conscientious enough about her money that she won't spend what she can't afford.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T10:17:56.550" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T10:17:56.550" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-23T20:21:59.333" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd turn the tables. &#xA;Every time she proposes and pushes her ideas on how to improve your life, propose your ideas to improve hers, 'I'll do it if you do this' type of thing. Personally I'd look for something difficult or inconvenient to follow through, something with some rigmarole. Present it with love &amp;amp; affection, and take no for an answer.&#xA;If you do it right, you will save yourself a lot of time &amp;amp; heartaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4095" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T20:21:59.333" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2393" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2312" CreationDate="2017-08-23T20:22:32.560" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are three problems here and they are not all with your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are not qualified to diagnose a problem like this and a professional already has seen him.  You could very easily be wrong about this.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have an impression you are confusing any failures of his with your own experiences of someone with another problem.  The two may be completely unrelated.  People failing does not mean they're &quot;faulty&quot; and need fixing.  It can mean many other things.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You say your friend was given tablets to calm him.  That's a medical solution to something being tried.  You &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; let this takes it's course.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He changed his attitude and went to a therapist but he only got something that is supposed to calm him down. He talked to a therapist but I don't think that it was enough to make a diagnosis because they didn't talk about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a statement that he &lt;em&gt;got&lt;/em&gt; help from a professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only person who has a problem with that is &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not try and second guess this.  And what was said by your friend to a therapist is, by it's nature, not something you should know and in all probability your friend would not tell you everything they discussed.  Therapists are trained to help people open up and discuss matters they would discuss with no-one else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So what should you do ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be supportive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therapy and related treatments (including personal change) take a long time.  It's &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; hard to do and &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; your friend needs is someone to accept that and let it happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps ask how the therapy is working out, but don't make a big deal about it and be prepared to accept any answer from &quot;mind your own business&quot; to &quot;brilliant&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T20:22:32.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2380" CreationDate="2017-08-23T20:34:57.470" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're struggling to get the conversation going in the direction of a topic you want to discuss then start off by asking questions about topics you know they are already interested in. It can sometimes feel awkward for the other person if you straight away jump into a conversation that you clearly have an interest in as they may not have the same interest or they may not feel they have enough knowledge to contribute properly (not saying this is necessarily what is happening in your situation but from my own experience this is quite common).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you start the conversation off by asking questions about things you know the group are interested in, it'll kick things off and put them at ease. It also shows that you are open to learning and in turn will encourage them to be open to learning or discussing other topics. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once the conversation gets going, wait for a natural lull (don't jump in while things are going full steam as it can come across as too forced) and then steer the conversation to something else eg. say something like &quot;Oh, that reminds me of xxx, have you heard of it? It's blah blah blah&quot; and so on.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find this is a good approach because it is encouraging both sides to actually listen and engage in the conversation, not just one person talking at another. As you said, they had a long debate over cars, which must require at least some degree of knowledge from both sides but that knowledge needs to be built before a debate like that can happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you said that you find it hard to engage in the conversations currently as there's not a lot of topics they discuss that you are affiliated with so this is a good way to build rapport and learn from others. I would then expect them to return the favor when it comes to things you are interested in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3864" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T20:34:57.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-23T20:42:59.757" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is hard with anybody you care about maintaining a relationship with (I assume you do), but especially family because there's so much history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't had this problem with a parent, but I've dealt with another overly-pushy relative and a couple of close friends.  Inspired by something I once read in Miss Manners, I used the following approach, sometimes repeated many times:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for thinking of me, but I've thought about it and I'm not interested in that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are three components here, and they're all important:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Acknowledgement.  This person thinks she's being helpful and thoughtful, doing you a favor.  Even if your own assessment is different, recognize that first.  Sometimes being seen as helpful is as or more important to the person than the actual thing (kayaking etc).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Due consideration.  You're not just saying &quot;no&quot; reflexively; you've given the matter some thought, because this person thought it was important.  You &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; thought about it, at least to the extent of developing responses to the pressure, so this isn't false (though you should keep the details to yourself).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;No.  You're not interested.  Be very clear about this.  If you offer any &quot;becauses&quot; or &quot;buts&quot;, the other person will see that as a &lt;em&gt;problem to be solved&lt;/em&gt; instead of a &quot;no&quot;.  This is why your mother keeps arguing with you -- you're giving her entry points.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For best results, combine this approach with overtures of your own.  Maybe you hate kayaking, but maybe you could invite your mother to join you on a bike ride or at a sporting event or the theatre?  If she's worried about your meals, maybe invite her over for some home-cooked meals?  I've found that sometimes &quot;replacement therapy&quot;, so to speak, solves the underlying need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T20:42:59.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-08-23T20:50:12.117" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tend to steer clear from social media, expecially for connecting with friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My go to answer when someone says (and they &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; say it) &quot;You don't have facebook!?&quot; is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Nah, I don't see the point... I only have 5 friends and I call/ text them when I want to talk to them. Makes them feel special &lt;em&gt;haha&lt;/em&gt;. I do have xxx if you want to swap numbers/ email though?&quot;. As long as you say it with a smile people won't take it as an insult to them for using it, but will understand where you are coming from because I've yet to meet someone who doesn't prefer a personal message or call rather than being 1/100 being tagged on social media. Plus you've then also tried to progress the relationship by asking for a way to contact them which most people appreciate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3864" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T20:50:12.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2340" CreationDate="2017-08-23T21:01:33.973" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is what I have done in the past. As you walk towards her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Hello, how you doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other person: Good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Have a nice day ahead (with a smile)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then just keep walking and leave. This is absolutely common to do here in the US. I have been in this situation before. Here you take the initiative and control of the conversation. It is polite and you do this with a smile. Other person would understand that you are on your way out and leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever you have time to strike up a conversation, feel free to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4101" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T13:06:49.233" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2398" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2312" CreationDate="2017-08-23T21:10:22.100" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What would be the purpose of making him aware of autism? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To get your friend aware of the typical autism traits and to learn to think about others' perspective&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To get a diagnosis and professional help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first of those just hinting of some place to read about it online could suffice. Maybe say you read some article you found interesting that describes some characters and the traits and let them figure out what characteristics seem to fit on themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second one I think should only be an option if it is obvious to you that he won't be able to live any kind of life without serious professional help. But most of them would likely be found out kind of early in their life if he had such serious troubles functioning that he would have gotten a diagnosis as a child after their parents had gone to the doctor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; I got asked in comments to clarify a bit, so here goes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There exist lots of misunderstandings and stigma about mental or personality diagnoses. Therefore, getting a diagnosis is not sure to improve the quality of life of a person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends both on how surroundings and individual reacts. It is well known that some individuals react badly to a diagnosis and almost seem to give up trying to bettering themselves and to compensate for the troubles. Because they finally have something to blame. Without the diagnosis maybe the person would at least strive to compensate to function a bit better. Therefore the diagnosis can for some people become an excuse for lazyness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another sad reality is that some people are gonna view you as &quot;damaged goods&quot; and treat you worse or at least with increased distance if you have some diagnosis. It is in many places illegal to discriminate on these grounds, but employers can be quite inventive. They can often manage to find some legal reason to avoid hiring someone they have preconceptions about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2340" LastEditorUserId="2340" LastEditDate="2018-11-21T18:48:59.387" LastActivityDate="2018-11-21T18:48:59.387" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1911" CreationDate="2017-08-23T21:14:21.067" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There're two approaches depending on how you want to maintain your relationship. The first approach is the 'friendly dismissal' (and is the most polite and friendly aproach). When he brings up your diet just say something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Dude, we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. If I die from&#xA;  protein/iron* deficiency you can write it on my tombstone &lt;em&gt;haha&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he brings it up again I'd go for the &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;haha&lt;/em&gt; Nice try but I'm not getting into this again.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you say it lightly with a smile it won't be offensive but it's clear that you aren't going to discuss it with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second approach is if you want to be very firm and direct and don't mind causing (possible) conflict. It goes something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey dude, if I wanted to know your honest opinion, I'd ask for it.&#xA;  I've done my research and I'm happy with my diet. I don't preach at&#xA;  you, please don't preach at me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The approach depends on your relationship with your housemate and whether or not you're willing to risk further conflict which, from your post, seems like what you are trying to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*PS. I say this only because, as a vegan, this is usually what people argue with me about, I'm guessing it is the same for you as you're also UK based. Obviously, I don't believe that I'm going to die of either deficiency but it is a good way to deflect as you are acknowledging that his views are valid but also stating that you know the perceived risks and are willing to go with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3864" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T21:17:05.217" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T21:17:05.217" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-23T21:22:19.107" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, you need to address the ongoing issue, rather than disputing each suggestion. The following dialogue is taken from a dialogue I had with my aunt, and it is fairly strongly worded:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she asks a second (or more) time, don't even say yes, no, or give an explanation. Just say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You've already asked, and I've already responded. By asking again,&#xA;  you are saying that my feelings and thoughts don't matter. You are&#xA;  also denying my right to live my own life. You are being incredibly&#xA;  rude, and you need to stop right now.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she tries to respond with anything other than &quot;I'm sorry&quot; or &quot;I'll try,&quot; say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I won't stand here and be disrespected. I am going to remove you from&#xA;  my life until you apologize.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then do not respond to any calls or emails until she apologizes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said, this has worked for me in the past with similar situations, and there was only about a month of awkwardness afterward. &lt;strong&gt;It may backfire though. Only you know how she would react to something like this.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe even a poor reaction would be a step forward though. Especially if, as you say, the issue has been going on for decades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3316" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T21:24:01.167" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T21:24:01.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1292" CreationDate="2017-08-23T21:27:19.017" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Other answers have focused on breathing that you can do to stop the stuttering so I'll skip that part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although that's great, sometimes I find it hard to do in the moment, especially if people are paying attention to me and expecting me to continue. In those cases, its good to buy yourself a bit of time by deflecting with humor. For example saying, &quot;Wow, I'm so excited about this book I'm tripping over myself!&quot; or &quot;I'm so excited about it I can't speak straight!&quot; This will automatically put your audience at ease, because you are addressing your stutter and not ignoring it, and will give you a few seconds to take a breath and start again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also useful because if, slightly further into the conversation, you find yourself stuttering or tripping over words, you've already established the reason for it and can reiterate, &quot;See, told you I was excited, tripping over myself again &lt;em&gt;haha&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. It makes it less awkward for you and the other people in your conversation which in turn will make you feel more at ease and stutter less. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3864" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T21:27:19.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-23T21:53:44.907" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My solution would be similar to BradC's answer with an important addition: Talk to her about the actual communication pattern itself. Tell her that what she is doing is not acceptable, how it makes you feel, and how it is going to make you act. Tell her it makes you not want to talk to her if you are going to have to repeatedly fend off the suggestions you've already refused, and explain that when she fails to accept your answer of &quot;no, and I'm done talking about it&quot; that you really will have to hang up / leave / whatever you need to do to end the conversation, even though you don't want to have to do that. Try to convince her why her behavior is not acceptable, and she needs to learn to respect your No. Even if she won't accept that the behavior is generally unacceptable, the important thing is that it's not acceptable to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibly, if she can understand your perspective when you explain it, you will not have to get really tough and warn her you'll have to hang up, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is to step out of the situation and &lt;em&gt;talk&lt;/em&gt; about the situation. There are gentler or firmer ways to have the conversation, but where you need to end up is not just at No on a particular topic, but that her not accepting your No is not acceptable, and whenever she starts doing it with a new topic, reference this conversation instead of starting the whole process of justifying your latest No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4103" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T21:53:44.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2382" CreationDate="2017-08-23T22:05:23.107" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a minor thing, and one that our (American) culture is used to. Forty years ago everyone said &quot;Mary and me went to the store&quot;, and faux-erudite people jumped on that bandwagon so hard that the current generation grew up being taught to say &quot;Mary and I&quot; whenever a compound subject is used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reality is that language is flexible, and speakers using either construct are well-understood, and only a few snobs (like me) are annoyed by it, let alone able to recognize the error.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the question you really need to answer for yourself is this: &lt;strong&gt;Is it really that important to correct another person's minor, culturally-normal grammatical tick?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; 'pro' to this is that your daughter's teacher just may wake up and see the light of day and thank you endlessly for fixing an important part of her life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 'cons' are many, including time wasted to offend someone over something that really doesn't have any meaningful effect on your daughter's small pocket of the universe, except that now your daughter will be the child of a parent who cares more about I-vs-me than the greater work of your child's education.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you find your daughter using it&lt;/strong&gt;, correct her. Explain to her how to choose between &quot;X and me&quot; and &quot;X and I&quot; and expect her to speak correctly. Tell her also that not all people know or care, and to accept poor grammar from others. The more important task is &lt;em&gt;understanding&lt;/em&gt; what is said, not correcting the delivery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4105" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T05:21:36.680" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T05:21:36.680" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2405" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-23T22:08:30.803" Score="49" ViewCount="15719" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a high-school student in the United States, and from time to time a teacher makes a mistake while writing on the board in front of the class. Usually, the mistakes are minor, such as forgotten punctuation, but sometimes there are more major mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give an example of the latter, I took an informal math class during the summer. The teacher, only a few years older than me, was working through a problem on the board, which we were expected to copy down as he wrote. It was fairly convoluted, and most of the class didn't seem to be paying attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At one point, the teacher made what I was 90% sure was a mistake in logic. As far as I could tell, one step of the process would work for some numbers but not others, although he claimed it'd work for all numbers. I noticed the mistake early on, but I was hesitant to point it out because a) I wasn't entirely sure it was a mistake, and b) I couldn't figure out how to correct him without being rude and setting myself up as better than him. (In the eyes of the rest of the class, too — I'd previously gained an arrogant reputation, and given that he was a math major at a prestigious university, I definitely didn't know more about the subject than him.) On the other hand, the flaw in logic might confuse other students.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, seeing that no one else was going to see/point out the mistake, I politely asked him to explain his reasoning. He used an example number, which turned out to be one of the numbers that worked. I asked for him to work another example, this time suggesting one of the numbers that I thought wouldn't work. Seeming slightly thrown by my forcefulness, he tried the number — and it didn't work. He then realized his mistake in logic and corrected himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't feel right about the way I'd handled it, and afterwards, when I described the situation to others, they said I'd wasted everyone's time  and would've been better off directly pointing out the mistake rather than asking him to explain it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my questions are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it even worth correcting a teacher's minor mistake&lt;/strong&gt; in situations like this, or does it just make them look bad?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Related to that, does it depend on how minor the mistake is? And if so, how can I tell what kind of mistake is worth ignoring?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's worth it, &lt;strong&gt;how do I do it politely?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4107" LastEditorUserId="4107" LastEditDate="2017-08-23T23:01:35.550" LastActivityDate="2019-05-15T08:12:03.063" Title="How to politely correct a teacher?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="391" CreationDate="2017-08-23T22:12:47.840" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often asking politely will bear fruit, especially if there's one or two people whose use of expletives is significantly higher than the norm in the environment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addressing the religious portion of the question, I had a coworker who would say &quot;Jesus&quot; or &quot;Jesus Christ&quot; for emphasis quite frequently. After one of the incidents, I turned to him and said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That may not mean anything to you, but it does to me - I'd really appreciate it if you could find another exclamation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another variety I've used depending on the situation is to say something along the lines of (note that tone is important here):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't think you're praying; is there another word you could use there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that requests to refrain from language that offends based on race, religion, culture, etc. are more likely to be acted on (compared to a request to generally refrain from crude language).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4104" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T22:12:47.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2407" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2312" CreationDate="2017-08-23T22:16:12.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tact and opportunity are fundamental. Him expressing dissatisfaction with his grades are the perfect lead-in. Mentioning that you know someone who has an actual diagnosis and establishing similarities with your friend will provide a stable base on which to discuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remain serious and provide him with the information you judge relevant, without going too deep into details. Should he become defensive, express sympathy by maintaining you want to help him do his best, and that there has to be a cause and potential solutions to his concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most definitely suggest the he read online medical articles on autism for the general public, in my case it was an eye-opener. Reassure him that he doesn't have to commit to anything, but that there are mountains of resources at reach, should he wish to try them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone diagnosed with Asperger's, I feel the need to point out that an Asperger's diagnosis alone will not provide much help to your friend in terms of school exams. However, many people who suffer from autism spectrum disorders &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4010758/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;also suffer from ADHD&lt;/a&gt;, which is often the main reason behind poor academic performance in autistic people. An ADHD diagnosis will get him much further with schools, as they may provide accommodations like extra exam time and calmer separate rooms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, your friend should be seeking help from a &lt;strong&gt;licensed psychiatrist&lt;/strong&gt;, not merely a therapist or psychologist. Psychiatrists are the ones properly qualified and legally recognized to diagnose these kind of issues, and can prescribe medication as needed. He might have to first go through a general practitioner to be referred to a psychiatrist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4097" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T22:16:12.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2380" CreationDate="2017-08-23T22:23:08.870" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer depends on your specific goals. If&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not particularly good at socializing so I want to practice by participating in as many group conversations as I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's easy. Just don't leave. Sit it out, try your best to look and act interested in most of the conversations, and if you can't participate meaningfully, observe and learn. Besides learning something new by listening, you can also read about &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201108/body-language-basics&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;body language&lt;/a&gt; and try your hand at reading the body language clues of those in whatever group you're in (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.scienceofpeople.com/2013/09/guide-reading-microexpressions/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;microexpressions&lt;/a&gt; are particularly challenging). That can be interesting and useful in appearing to be interested and relaxed. Ask questions. Make comments. Agree with things you agree with. Laugh if something is funny, or at least smile. Learn some really good jokes and tell a few when conversation lags and there's time to segue into something new. If you have no funny stories, you might &quot;borrow&quot; some and tell them as happening to someone else. But &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.succeedsocially.com/quiet&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;don't stress by putting pressure on yourself&lt;/a&gt; to contribute equally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if the goal is to learn to steer conversations in a direction you want them to go, you'll have a much harder time of it, because &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.succeedsocially.com/regulargroupconversations&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;group dynamics&lt;/a&gt; are at play. If you're quiet in a group, that's ok, as long as you don't exhibit boredom, disinterest, etc. (watch that body language!) But the conversation is often steered by the most talkative or charismatic people. If you're among groups of friends, it can be hard to break in. But getting to know people (usually easier in one-on-one conversations) in the group will eventually pay off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such a large number of groups of people, there are bound to be people whose interests overlap with yours. The more you participate - even passively - the more likely you are to find them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T22:23:08.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2410" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2382" CreationDate="2017-08-23T22:28:30.413" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not such a grave error. I occasionally do much more horrible errors in my language (which has much more space for them btw) when I'm in hurry. It's embarrassing for me even without anyone reminding me. Even if the grammar mistakes &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; turn out to be consistent, I can tell you: &lt;em&gt;I never had a positive reaction warning people about their grammar.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to do something, I recommend putting a very nice and subtle &lt;code&gt;PS&lt;/code&gt; in your next email reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;PS: I noticed that you wrote &lt;em&gt;[grammatical error]&lt;/em&gt; a few times. Just in case it wasn't a typo, it's actually &lt;em&gt;[correct expression]&lt;/em&gt;. It happens often to people, so I thought I would just mention it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1954" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T14:13:29.577" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T14:13:29.577" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2405" CreationDate="2017-08-23T22:59:25.387" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer this question, perhaps the best approach is to ask a few other questions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I'd ask, &lt;em&gt;What am I here for?&lt;/em&gt;  It seems rather banal, perhaps, but if you're just in the class because you have to be, it might really not matter.  Your approach toward the teacher may turn out (whether you want it to or not) somewhat snobbish or smart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you honestly there to learn (which it sounds like from the reading of your post), if you ask a question to the teacher politely, your attitude can come across as an interested student who honestly wants to learn from the teacher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, I'd ask, &lt;em&gt;What kind of teacher is this?&lt;/em&gt;  I've been in classes where you can feel that the teacher likes nothing even close to a challenge.  Fielding questions in a group setting is difficult, makes them nervous, and even brings them to the point where they make more mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, there are some teachers who love the material they are teaching and know it like the back of their hand.  They want to share what they have learned with others, and are glad for questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, my preferred approach would be to raise my hand (provided a fairly small class setting), and say something along the lines of,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Say, you said that &lt;em&gt;xyz&lt;/em&gt; works with any numbers.  How is that, since plunking in the numbers {6, 28.8} yields 42?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also mention, if things start going amuck, just nod and accept what your teacher says: don't argue over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T22:59:25.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2378" CreationDate="2017-08-23T23:05:58.810" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask her how she would like for you to communicate some of your thoughts about aspects of your job that you think are important for the company in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Email her some of your thoughts (if she agrees to it) or ask for a meeting with her and prepare yourself well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Write down your thoughts, suggestions and substantiate your arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you talk to her about the to-do lists you could tell her that they are useful but add that sometimes for such and such reason you feel they haven't helped you and that you have thought about  how to approach this issue many times before deciding to talk to her. Depending on your boss' personality, you could suggest an alternative to those lists as something you could try together for a while and see how that works for both of you and discuss the results in a meeting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way you word things is really important. Being diplomatic is a useful skill.  Watch for her reactions, body language and take it from there. If the vibe isn't very positive or encouraging don't proceed. Timing is important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, if she doesn't take your thoughts into consideration at all, then at least you know you tried. You may not achieve the results you want right away since you are still new and more time might be needed for her to earn your trust or for you to feel comfortable talking to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T23:05:58.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2405" CreationDate="2017-08-23T23:09:00.957" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your approach was actually pretty good. I think what you should attempt in the future is to ask a specific question that you think/know will not work. Also, definitely avoid accusing him of being wrong. You should address it from a stance of attempting to better understand the concept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, rather than giving him the chance to try it with an example that does work, say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could you help me understand, I'm trying to get this to work with 525,600 and I can't get the intended result. Can you help me figure out where I'm going wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is deferential and non-confrontational. It's completely appropriate for you to ask for clarification, particularly if you can't get the concept to work properly. It's really important to help your fellow (less attentive) students learn the concept appropriately so that they can do well on their homework/exams later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In math classes I've taken in the past (at the college level) all of the professors I've had have been happy to have errors pointed out to them because it helps them do their job better. Not all professors/teachers will feel this way - and someone new to it like you had in this class may take it with less grace than a more experienced professor. So, until you get a bead on how they will react to being corrected, it is a good idea to go about it in an indirect way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a minor error (such as writing down the wrong number or getting the sign on a number wrong), this is still something that is good to correct as part of working through the problem in class is to practice working through it and minor errors will give the incorrect result, which will make &quot;checking&quot; the answer fail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please don't wait until after class to address this. If you do, your fellow students will not have the benefit of the correction and may think the logic will work when it does not. At that point, you have to rely on the teacher remembering to correct themselves in class the next time it meets, which often doesn't happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T23:09:00.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2344" CreationDate="2017-08-23T23:12:55.353" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of approaches that haven't been mentioned:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the meeting, it might make sense to interrupt it long enough to note what's happening, that if it gets worse you may have to step out for an indeterminate amount of time, and even ask if you staying will disturb anyone. Don't necessarily assume everyone (anyone!) will be grossed out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leaving without letting someone know what's happening is a bad idea - the others in the meeting may get worried. If you happen to have a friend in the meeting who knows about the problem, ask them to explain as appropriate if you simply have to leave immediately. If someone else is leading them meeting, you might approach them sometime beforehand, mention the possibility of this happening, and see if they have a suggestion/preference regarding whether you step out or try to deal with it in place. If you do leave, they'll know why, and can manage things better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How critical your participation is also makes a difference. If (for example) you're working together on a school project, where everyone is expected to participate, trying to stick around if everyone is OK with it might make sense. If it's a staff meeting at your place of work (teenagers can have jobs too!), unless you explicitly have a role to play, then stepping out may make more sense (especially if you work around food, and are in a food-preparation area). If you're leading the meeting, you should definitely have someone ready to back you up if you do need to step out, or step aside for a few minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've been able to feel out the group, or a group leader, as to their preferences regarding what you should do, then let that (and the severity of the situation) guide your actions if it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've got an explicit reason to &lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt; that an incident is &lt;em&gt;likely&lt;/em&gt; (for instance, the air in the meeting place is particularly dry and you know this is a trigger after 30 minutes or so), then you should definitely bring it up beforehand somehow. As mentioned above, this might be mentioning it to whoever is leading the meeting (especially in a larger group).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a smaller group, especially one you'll be working with regularly, mentioning it once to the group as a whole means you don't have to worry about it; you can assume it will happen eventually, but you've already dealt with it. In that case, getting feedback from the group as to what they'd like you to do is reasonable as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To digress for a moment, I'm a type-2 diabetic, and need to check my blood sugar and take some insulin before I eat a meal. I usually do this at the table (as it's almost always cleaner than the bathroom!) If I'm eating with one or more people I haven't eaten with before, I mention that I need to do this, and ask if anyone minds. I've had one person who did mind in the 15 years I've been doing this, and I always made sure I did this before leaving for lunch (or in the bathroom) when eating with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4111" LastActivityDate="2017-08-23T23:12:55.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2344" CreationDate="2017-08-24T00:38:05.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing to do is to talk about it with a few people. Your boss for instance. And the meeting organizer. And maybe one or two other people that you work with on a day to day basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These people deserve and &quot;early warning.&quot; They may also have useful suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, it's a bona fide emergency and you should probably leave the room so not to affect other people (unless your boss or your &quot;group&quot; tells you otherwise). You need to tell the few other people so that they can make the proper explanations on your behalf without its seeming &quot;strange&quot; to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T00:38:05.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2340" CreationDate="2017-08-24T02:14:03.487" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see why simply being honest is a problem.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are really in a rush, you can excuse yourself from the conversation by &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;An apology to her&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;And saying that you are in a rush and you will talk to her later.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is perfectly polite and considerate from your side that you are also acknowledging her desire to talk to you by saying you will simply talk to her later when you have the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is a nice and a polite person like you mentioned, she will perfectly understand that people have their own lives and that people must involuntarily go to places like work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, if, in the future, you are stuck in a conversation with her and you want to leave simply say (without interrupting her): &quot;Well it has been nice chatting with you.  See you later (or have a good day)&quot;&#xA;People take this positively and it is polite as you acknowledge that you enjoyed chatting with her and that you need to get going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4120" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T09:00:05.077" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T09:00:05.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2420" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="633" CreationDate="2017-08-24T03:13:31.497" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every time you want to talk, take a slow deep breath while (5 seconds). This will allow the other person to continue with their train of thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is the Speaking Wand. During the early phase of retraining yourself, only the person holding the wand is allowed to speak. This tool is used in negotiations between parties that want to shout over each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4126" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T03:13:31.497" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2422" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-24T04:40:46.903" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I understand your question, basically, you don't want to do the things that are being suggested.  Not wanting to do something is a good enough reason. In the kayaking example, the reasons for not wanting to go have nothing to do with expense or storage, you just weren't interested in kayaking.  This is the only reason you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a textbook for this problem:  &lt;a href=&quot;http://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0553263900&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;When I say no, I feel guilty&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;.  The book explains a number of techniques to improve assertiveness in different situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The technique I'd use in this instance is called 'Broken Record'.Basically, just remember that 'I don't want to' is a good enough reason, and keep repeating it, with minor variations.  &quot;I understand that you enjoy kayaking, but I don't want to&quot;, &quot;I realise that it may be quite fun and invigorating, but I don't want to&quot;.  Keep repeating the 'I don't want to' bit.  Up against an impenetrable wall of '... but I don't want to's, even the most determined do-gooder will eventually realise the futility of persisting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3387" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T04:40:46.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2382" CreationDate="2017-08-24T05:03:09.617" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I correct...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Privately. Do it, but do it privately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As noted by &lt;A HREF=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/2403/1768&quot;&gt;Michael Thomas Greer's answer&lt;/A&gt;, the &quot;&lt;em&gt;always use 'and I'&lt;/em&gt;&quot; rule has been widely taught (to many people and I).  Fellow students and me have definitely been taught this in school.  If this instructor is in the habit of remembering rules that are widely taught in academic circles, chances are that most of what this teacher teaches will be good and right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Spreading knowledge should be a treated as a positive trait, particularly when this is rather verifiable.  Just remember to point out the mishap respectfully, and that means privately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't expect the teacher to instantly accept what you say before the teacher has had a chance to independently verify your claim.  (The instructor may be rightfully reluctant to change behavior, or acknowledge your superiority, just because you made a claim.  However, when you point out that modern standards specify that context determines the right phrasing, hopefully, that will sound sensible enough for the teacher to decide to verify whether that's right.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T05:17:20.537" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T05:17:20.537" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-24T05:42:20.807" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to &lt;strong&gt;set boundaries and enforce them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems to really frustrate parents but it's a needed step. It's a three part process. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Set a boundary, and be clear about it. &quot;We are not going to talk about foo. Let's move on.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Enforce the boundary. When the boundary is crossed, then &quot;leave&quot;. Either by stopping the conversation or by actually leaving. You may have actually really left. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Go back. Even though you left, and that will anger people, this only works when you go back. Yes, you will have to do this several times. But rather you leave the conversation, or the room, or the house. You have to go back and be willing to try again and again.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T07:23:14.180" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T07:23:14.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2426" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2428" CreationDate="2017-08-24T06:05:36.983" Score="12" ViewCount="2965" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been estranged from my abusive mother for some time now. We always had problems and she suddenly stopped talking to me, which by no means upset me - I've been feeling better after this, because there is no more fighting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She had a mental breakdown quite recently and has been visiting a doctor at last. The problem is my father and siblings all try to persuade me into making contact with her again (I have no intention to do so) in order to make her feel better. Every time I meet them this subject keeps being brought up, even after many such conversations and my denial to talk about it anymore and despite that they agree with me that her behaviour is and has been always the problematic one and I am on the right side - this in not a matter of who takes the blame, I just mentioned it to note that they were always aware of the problem. I know they mean well, but they make me feel guilty in order to give in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make them stop interfering in this matter and just let it be?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My country is in southern Europe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T13:35:09.867" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T16:56:16.590" Title="What to do if my family keeps trying to fix my relationship with a family member?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-24T06:09:11.243" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You just have to say &quot;don't do/say ... anymore&quot;. Be as clear as you can.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;And if it doesn't happen, you need to state what the consequences will be. Otherwise there is no incentive for her to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when our children were small and we went to my parent's house, my father never turned on the heater at night, even in the winter. We were in an upstairs bedroom so it got quite cold, even with blankets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So finally one day I said, point blank, that if he didn't turn on the heater at night, we would not visit with the children anymore.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, the heater came on the following night, and there was never any problem after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastEditorUserId="1720" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T06:14:23.297" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T06:14:23.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2426" CreationDate="2017-08-24T06:59:44.793" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Thanks for answering the questions.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is good to know people never change but their behavior can. But that is not part of the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are like me, then you are an introvert who doesn't easily talk or share about his emotions towards other people and you try to be harmonious. These are not bad traits but are exactly in such situation hard, especially for the options I'm about to give you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Options and points of thought:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Stop talking about the do's and dont's; start talking about the reasons and the goals.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly, your father's goal is to reunite the family, maybe coming from a traditional or Christian family he feels like he has failed the family since he is supposed to be the leader and keep everyone together. (Tell him the family has already fallen way before she stopped talking to you, that she hurt you and he was not able to protect you, not blamingly but objectively he would also see it has his duty to protect you)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Start differentiating your mother as a person from her actions.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them it's because of what she did, not who she is. And that this will have to change before ever you will try and have a relationship with her. Tell them also (if true) that you don't believe she will ever change and you don't have the courage to try and that you believe she will instantly fall back into a pattern of hurting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Tell everyone what hurt you and how it hurt you.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People can easily think it was nothing or: 'now he is a grown up he doesn't feel the hurt anymore'. But clearly, you feel the hurt. Try to talk about it and if this is too scary, you could try to write a letter to your dad and brothers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Forgive your mom's actions.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it sucks it won't change her behavior, but it will change you. Staying in the victim role only hurts yourself more, this way if your mom was pure evil trying to hurt you in every way, then now she would still accomplish her goal by hurting you even when absent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Work on your confidence.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially in the area she was able to hurt you. Having confidence in these areas puts you above her ability to hurt you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T07:17:01.433" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2382" CreationDate="2017-08-24T07:41:34.213" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Teachers are strange beings - I know - I worked with them, as one! Some will respond to being gently told, others will take offence - after all, they are teachers, and have reached the epitome of learning...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My approach, not knowing the teacher, yet, would be to encourage daughter to use the correct way in some of her writing in class. When that gets 'corrected', then you'll know for sure that the teacher has the wrong end of the stick, and needs enlightening. Bad 'corrections' are not acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For those readers who think it is acceptable to say 'Meet with Amy and I', just take Amy away. How many of you would be heard saying 'Meet with I'. My case rests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1655" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T07:41:34.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2382" CreationDate="2017-08-24T07:52:40.753" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make sure the teacher is taught the correct rule in the least offensive manner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;taught&lt;/em&gt; the correct rule&amp;quot; would be for him to know, forever thereafter and with certainty, the grammatically correct way to use the first-person pronoun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &amp;quot;least offensive manner&amp;quot; would be &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; face-to-face, &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; in front of others, and if possible, in a fun and interesting way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is my very, &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; best idea: Somehow(*), anonymously leave him a note that says,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your edification and that of our children, please follow these breadcrumbs:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Autobiography of Jane Eyre&lt;/em&gt; &amp;lt;-- FANTASTIC WEBSERIES!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Episode 59&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;2:50 - 3:13&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[hashtag]GrammarGirlRocks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This idea might not work. He could just throw the piece of paper away. On the other hand, he might be telling his friends and colleagues about this &amp;quot;weirdest thing!&amp;quot; for weeks. For an extra measure of fun, you could also sign it &amp;quot;~ Me&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt;.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; information (and for the above advice to make sense), &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/why-do-people-mix-up-the-pronouns-i-and-me&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this is where I got the idea&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(*) Personally, I like the idea of staking out the parking lot to learn which car is his, then leaving it under his windshield wiper ... but you have to choose something that is safe and works for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T13:35:29.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2405" CreationDate="2017-08-24T08:12:45.487" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it was a real mistake you would have been 100%(!) sure thats what it is. You should simply point it out&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; and if there is no agreement leave it, you know it better, that should be enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But its rarely one can be 100% sure about a mistake a teacher made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for any other situation, let me tell you how I usually approached:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The facts are, something your teacher is explaining comes over odd for you, not to say straight out wrong. But isn't that the usual classroom flair?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thinks that what the teacher is saying makes not really much sense, until you have more insight and you get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you simply could describe your problem from the point what you don't understand, instead of explaining him what is wrong in his example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean you don't even have to pretend that you don't understand what he is explaining, its a fact, leaving the cause aside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would simply ask about the problem, and let him explain the relation to your problem, or why the problem is in no relation. If you still don't see why he is right, do what students (should) do. Ask him for clarifying it so you can understand it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is right for the 10% of your uncertainty, you learned something and he noticed that you are paying attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is wrong, he will catch it by himself without loosing his face, and he still will notice that you understand the matter well enough, to get confused by his mistake, what is a positive note, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Not like showing him up, but politely asking if it is a mistake and in case of disagreement showing something up you are 100% sure about shouldn't be a problem.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T08:12:45.487" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-24T08:14:24.723" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Find out why she is doing it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think we have enough information about your relationship with the mother to answer your question without potentially damaging your relationship, but if it was me I would try to dig a little deeper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No mother wakes up in the morning and thinks &quot;today I want to be a royal pain in the arse to my child&quot; so there will be an underlying reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she is concerned for your health? The examples given seem health and exercise related. In which case explaining how you choose to keep healthy might work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she is finding it expensive and wants to find others to bring down the cost (like sharing rental storage space on the kayak). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she just wants shared experiences with you, or something to talk about. In which case you can involve her in something you enjoy doing instead.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be these or any one of a thousand other reasons. &lt;strong&gt;Don't just shut her down with 'No'&lt;/strong&gt; - if she wants shared experiences it will only make her feel more alienated from you and doesn't fix the underlying problem - it's like a patient going to a doctor saying 'My leg hurts' so the doctor gives them painkillers, without checking to see if the leg is broken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is your mother, &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a salesman.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are reasons that just saying no and refusing to engage is appropriate and effective, but until you know the reason: don't assume. Instead, have an open and honest conversation. &lt;strong&gt;Tell her how you feel&lt;/strong&gt; and try to get to the bottom of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3815" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T12:43:40.640" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T12:43:40.640" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2433" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2355" CreationDate="2017-08-24T08:50:59.660" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's a cultural thing, and perhaps even regarded as more than acceptable, put the boot on the other foot. Consider that possibly &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; thinks you are strange/rude to be eating with your mouth closed. Also consider how you might feel if she brought up the subject, with you as the target, saying how she felt about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; manner of eating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There would seem to be no common ground here. Agree to differ, put up, shut up. Her future with clients/colleagues is her business. Maybe cut down the number of visits?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1655" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T08:50:59.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-24T09:07:59.343" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask for reasons. Why is she asking? I guess she wants to do good things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask &quot;why?&quot; several times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Distinguish between &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strategy&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Strategy&lt;/a&gt; and a high-level plan. Ask about her intention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't give reasons. Ask for reasons. She is the one who should give reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should talk less, make small breaks in the conversation. Focus on understanding her needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is getting loud or angry, then stay relaxed and friendly. She has a problem, not you. She needs love. Don't give any advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;(some from this source)&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4139" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T09:12:39.723" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T09:12:39.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2435" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2443" CreationDate="2017-08-24T09:33:49.203" Score="33" ViewCount="18315" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner recently reunited with a friend &quot;Bob&quot; from high school, who has also recently been divorced from his wife of 25 years. He has been visiting us quite often lately and we do enjoy having him around. He is still not over his divorce but at the same time, he seems to want to start dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one of those visits and during a conversation &quot;Bob&quot; touched my thigh. I didn't pay much attention at first, though to be honest, I didn't expect it and I felt a bit violated. My partner has other male friends whom I hang out with and they haven't made me feel that way. Well, the same touching ended up happening again that same night. I felt uncomfortable and didn't know if I should have said anything and how. I spent the rest of the night thinking what he touched my thighs for.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following day I discussed this with my partner and I asked for his advice. He told me that if this happens again I should just tell Bob I don't like it. Easier said than done because I feel that if I do this I will make it a bigger deal than it was (?) and that it will make things awkward for all of us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am used to men who are less forward with women (I'm currently not living in the US, however) and I think him being so comfortable with me was a bit too much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Was what he did normal?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Was it sexual?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know it all depends on how it made me feel but even if hypothetically hadn't bothered me, was it appropriate?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Am I being too conservative or sensitive?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How do I approach this if it happens again?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're in a southern European country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt; (17 Sept 2017)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob found a girl. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="152" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T18:11:25.150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T13:55:35.500" Title="How to handle unwanted touching from my partner's friend during conversations?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="18" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2405" CreationDate="2017-08-24T09:39:54.183" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it even worth correcting a teacher's minor mistake in situations like this, or does it just make them look bad&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are taking it from the wrong end. More precisely, your are not prioritizing the problematics correctly here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of teacher isn't to look good. I'm perfectly aware that in interpersonal situations, ego can be an issue, especially when there is a status of authority, as it is the case regarding teachers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But a teacher is there to teach. And since they are humans as well, they happen to make mistakes. Either it's mindless errors or them being wrong on something - we expect them to have a good grasp of their field, not to know and understand by heart whatever is included or related to it. Each time it happens and isn't corrected, the teaching is flawed by it and the students learn false things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever you spot an error your teacher makes, you have the opportunity to fix that flaw. While the teacher is indirectly responsible from it, you have the ability to fix the situation, by preventing the teacher to fail at doing their job. By pointing out the mistake you make the teacher to notice, which give them the opportunity to correct themselves and therefore correct whatever rubbish the students were going to learn as something correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking that into account, the issue of having the teacher teaching things is more important than having everybody involved to look good. In your example, the teacher already did a mistake, that's done and they didn't needed you for that. What you &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; do on the other hand is to give them the opportunity to correct it for everyone to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my college years through the people who taught me and the classes I gave myself, I know that '&lt;em&gt;I don't know&lt;/em&gt;' is among the hardest sentences to say, especially when you are in aposition of knowledge or technical authority, but those who truly have the wellbeing of their students at hearth and will value it more than their ego will say it in a blink rather than answering rubbish to a question they don't know or understand the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the same here : asking about a mistake allowes the teacher to explain both the correct thing and eventually to warn the students if the mistake is particularly easy to commit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the way to do it, you are right to not want to do it pedantly, even if the teacher is still fine with your move, the students may not like you from that and/or respect the teacher less. In your case, you tried to work around it by '&lt;em&gt;tricking&lt;/em&gt;' the teacher with a value that would break is formula and apparently the other students weren't on board because it takes time. Moreover, it can seem even more pedantic and arrogant, since driving the teacher's moves towards an anticipated failure seems infantilizing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good compromise I use in these cases is to inject doubt in your sentence, doubt is the mark of the sciences which let everyone make progress without taking their own ego and beliefs into account :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, but I'm confused by &amp;lt;&lt;em&gt;whatever&lt;/em&gt;&gt; part of the formula, it seems to me that it doesn't work for all cases. I'm afraid I could have missed something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The teacher will focus of what you think is a mistake in the particular context in which it may be wrong.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;By not assuming that it is a mistake, you are giving to the teacher the opportunity to do it, saving their face in front of immature people who might see it as weakness.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;By not assuming it's a weakness, you save &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; face in case the mistake was on you, which can somtimes happen if you are used to point out mistakes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Nobody's feelings are hurt, the mistake is corrected and it doesn't waste time.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T09:39:54.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-08-24T09:45:07.967" Score="51" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Regardless of whether it was sexual or not, no one should be invading your personal space if you don't want them to.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't normal regardless of the situation. You have several approaches:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your reaction doesn't have to be verbal, you could simply just pick&#xA;his hand up and move it away from your thigh.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;But, if you do want to take a verbal approach, just simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, don't touch me like that. I don't feel comfortable with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and when he moves, just simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thankyou.. [look away and resume conversation]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your partner could talk to him in private and explain to him that you like having him around but you don't feel comfortable with him touching you and what he did made you feel a bit violated. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T11:17:40.710" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T11:17:40.710" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-08-24T09:46:06.117" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your husband is right and you should fairly firmly (and discretely) tell Bob no if this happens again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob is probably a little emotionally unstable right now and most probably feels sexually frustrated (which is probably why he wants to start dating).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to tell him that you're off-limits.  Once he understands that, you should (hopefully) be ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T09:46:06.117" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-08-24T09:48:16.993" Score="8" Body="&lt;h2&gt;This is not acceptable.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an invasion of your private space. Next time he touches you where he shouldn't, take his hand off of you or politely ask him to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please don't touch me like that. It's making me uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at first, he didn't pay heed to you, say again, but this time in a stern voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then continue your conversation or excuse yourself from it, as you see fit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And bring it up sometime that he should probably look for another partner because he is obviously needing company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T20:13:33.870" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2441" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2344" CreationDate="2017-08-24T09:49:49.793" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Excuse yourself and leave the meeting to assess the situation; return if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you don't want to miss the meeting, you don't want to make the others miss too much of the meeting either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Rationale&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want to interrupt the meeting too much. While you're dealing with the nosebleed — getting tissues, trying to stop the bleeding, cleaning up blood if needed — you're distracting the other participants and interrupting the meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Excuse yourself with a short explanation (&amp;quot;I'm sorry, but I've got a nosebleed, nothing serious, it happens sometimes, I need to go clean up&amp;quot;), leave the meeting and deal with the nosebleed.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;This includes assessing the nosebleed and guessing if it can be kept under control without further distraction. If it seems like a light nosebleed that can be kept under control with just a couple of tissues, return to the meeting and apologise for the interruption.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;If it's a heavy nosebleed that would likely interrupt the meeting again, stay out and (if necessary) collect your stuff afterwards. Only if you need to leave right away you should interrupt the meeting to collect your belongings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you're minimising the interruption for the other participants, which should be your primary goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Repeated Meetings&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a series of repeated meetings with the same group of people, you might want to explain beforehand that you sometimes get these nosebleeds, that they're nothing to worry about and that you'll be fine. This may mean that people will get used to it and won't be distracted too much be a light nosebleed, so that you may not have to leave if that happens.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I'd still advise to leave the meeting if it's an unusually heavy nosebleed, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Broader Application&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same advice would apply for dealing with other interruptions, such as a persistent cough or even an important phone call.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Leave, deal with it, return if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T09:49:49.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2405" CreationDate="2017-08-24T09:51:10.790" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the things that was encouraged by my lecturers was self confidence.  They WANTED students to point out their mistakes as it happened, because if they wrote something wrong down then it would be replicated 100+ times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you correct the mistake, you demonstrate 2 things.&#xA;1. you're concentrating on the lesson&#xA;2. your understanding&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither of these 2 things are something that a teacher will complain about.&#xA;As such, a raise of a hand and a simple comment of 'I don't think that XXX will work for YYY' is perfectly polite and acceptable.  If you're wrong, well, clearly your understanding of the problem is wrong and needs to be corrected; which is why the teacher is there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bear in mind, that if this happens several times a lession, it isn't a reflection on you; it's a reflection on the teacher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be scared of them - they're only human.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2353" LastEditorUserId="2353" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T15:22:58.293" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T15:22:58.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-08-24T09:54:02.040" Score="42" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Easier said than done because I feel that if I do this I will make it a bigger deal than it was&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's your body, which makes it as big a deal as it is to you. If it concerns you enough to raise the issue, raise it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and that it will make things awkward for all of us&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's already awkward for &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; from the moment &lt;strong&gt;he&lt;/strong&gt; touched you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think him being so comfortable with me was a bit too much. Was what he did normal? Was it sexual? I know it all depends on how it made me feel but even if hypothetically hadn't bothered me, was it appropriate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no &lt;em&gt;normal&lt;/em&gt;. Your body, your rules. Same thing regarding what he meant, it's your body. Apparently it bothered you, which means that it's inappropriate.&#xA;Moreover, it happened not just once but twice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want to make the things awkward based on you not knowing what he meant by it and that he may even not make it that big a deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He did it &lt;strong&gt;twice&lt;/strong&gt; and did it on purpose, which means that he knew what he was doing and probably watched your reaction. If you don't react, it will certainly continue or escalate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your husband's friend assumed it was appropriate for him to touch your thighs; just tell him that it isn't - don't even wait until it happens again. As your husband suggested, you should bring up the next time that man comes to your place:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bob, since you are here, I'd like you to know that I didn't like the way you touched me the last two evenings and don't want you to do it again.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be assertive, straight to the point. If he continue his behaviour, he is no good to be around. We haven't much information, but maybe neither do you. Maybe his divorce was related to abuse, maybe he suddenly feels lonely and can't resist your sight. Maybe he is &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; flirting or playing around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you don't care; that's none of your concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact is that he did something to your body that you didn't like and that therefore he has to stop doing it. Not bringing it up will only help &lt;strong&gt;him&lt;/strong&gt;. It will not help your husband, and it will definitely not help &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the light of your comment to Bradley Wilson's answer, I would suggest you and your partner have a serious chat with Bob, because either he doesn't speak your language or he doesn't care at all. Let him know that your husband and his friend knows about it and is on your side. That is, assuming that the both of you still want him around after him showing this kind of disgusting behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that I forgot to point out because I thought it would be obvious, something I'm not so sure after giving it more thoughts :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him touching you discreetly means that he intends as few people to be aware of it as possible: only you and him. That is because he doesn't want your husband or anybody else to witness it. Your knowledge of it is unavoidable, but he is certainly counting on you not daring to confront him - which is by the way the reason you asked the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel quite stupid for not addressing that point, since that is a very common pattern regarding sexual harassment/abuse. In this situation, Bob is only seeing you as an object but is aware that there is a risk for him to be in trouble. That's why he began with something that can be overlooked - he is testing the fence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not confronting him will only confirm him that he can do it without you addressing the issue, whether it is because you like it or are too afraid, shy or ashamed to raise your concern. In addition to that, he can still pretend you are making things up if you confront him. If he gets away with it, it may give you the impression that you are powerless and that confronting him is useless. That's something this kind of abusers not only use to their benefit, but count on since the beginning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what to think about your spouse's reaction. He seems to believe you but it doesn't look like he understood the problem. Maybe it's because you were yourself unsure of what was happening but still. I hope you will edit your question if you confront Bob regarding how it went.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the uncertainty of your situation, this is a cause of worry and I hope that it will be resolved soon and in a safe way.&#xA;In addition, reading about both your state of mind when you reported the situation and what happened when you confronted Bob, women in the same case landing on this page could have first hand testimony that reporting these arseholes &lt;strong&gt;does&lt;/strong&gt; work. There are way too many women in your situation who don't speak about it because they think that nobody will believe them or even care at all, or fear that they would be shamed for it instead of the abuser.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T09:48:25.777" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T09:48:25.777" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2444" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-08-24T09:57:12.640" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to be touched by certain people or on specific areas or for a specific amount of time. If you are afraid that you may be overreacting (I believe you don't) just tell him in a humorous tone &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Please don't touch my thigh&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;next time it happens. You could also stare at his hand each and every&#xA;time he puts it on your thigh, even if he continues talking to you,&#xA;I'm sure he'll notice and even ask you what's wrong, so you can answer something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It just makes me a little uncomfortable, would you mind not doing it?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;with a smile if you want. Of course there is nothing wrong if you say the above or anything of the sort with a serious face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T10:33:34.997" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T10:33:34.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2446" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2232" CreationDate="2017-08-24T10:43:57.680" Score="2" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Don't tell them their son is a bully&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let them figure that out for themselves, instead. Tell them what Walter &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Especially since you have the assistant teacher to back you up, tell them that Walter punched your son and bend his hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this when the father invites your son. Tell him that your son doesn't want to come to Walter's birthday party, since Walter has physically hurt him several times. Tell him that's why your son doesn't want to come and let him draw his own conclusions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T10:43:57.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2340" CreationDate="2017-08-24T10:59:44.503" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As others have suggested, you could simply be honest and tell her that you're running late for a train or bus, however, a minority of persistent offenders just don't take the hint and insist on talking to you anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plan B would pretend to be talking to someone on your cell phone as you pass her -- very few people will interrupt someone who is on the phone. If you really don't like deceiving her just dial your voicemail, so she can see you're busy on the phone. Then all you have to do is acknowledge her with a smile and a nod, but hopefully, she won't interrupt your call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure there are apps you can get that will make your phone ring to fake an incoming call -- if there aren't then someone should write one. It would be useful to be able to set your phone to fake ring at a particular time, so if you know you're going to be in a situation where you're likely to get trapped (boring meeting, that auntie who likes to talk and talk...) you know you've got a pre-planned excuse to break away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I'm really sorry, I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to take this call outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4148" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T08:59:29.823" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T08:59:29.823" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2340" CreationDate="2017-08-24T11:15:49.533" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can escape from just about any unwanted situation in the world by gasping &quot;railway station!&quot; or &quot;my bus!&quot; and running away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you see this lady every week, and she seems nice, set off a few minutes earlier and say hello and ask how she is. Then look at your watch and do step one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T11:15:49.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-24T11:18:07.970" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Agree to do whatever she wants, and then don't do it. Basically, you're lying. She won't be able to argue against you when you're agreeing with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should only be used as a last resort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2418" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T11:18:07.970" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2358" CreationDate="2017-08-24T11:24:08.773" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Frankly, as this is a person who suffers from a number of disabilities, I believe that the kindest and most appropriate thing to do is to write it off as a loss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She clearly suffers from psychiatric disorders, and the &quot;unnecessary&quot; plastic surgeries are a symptom of that. There's a lot of blame you are putting on someone who is ill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is kindest to her, but it also kindest to yourself. You are actually maintaining the relationship by trying to collect what you think she owes you. It's not healthy for either of you. You must be very angry with her that you want to keep this going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you seriously want to cut ties, then cut ties and stop trying to collect from someone who is suffering so. Just end it, and thank your lucky stars you do not have OCD, anorexia, etc. You are the only person maintaining the relationship right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need money, you must stop trying to get it from this sick woman, and you must find another way to get it. Regrettably, that is the reality of your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4152" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T11:24:08.773" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2452" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-08-24T11:31:49.413" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only question you should ask yourself in that situation is if you are comfortable with the touching or not. In this case, it would seem like you are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There is no such things as overreacting when it comes to your body.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your body is, and will always be your most private possession, as such only you have any say on what is and is not okay. Maybe that Bobs has many friends with whom the touching was a normal thing, but if you don't like it, it has to stop, period. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your body belongs to you and only you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, then you have every right to say stop. So the next time you see Bob if this happens again, you should tell him nicely but firmly with something like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could you put your hand away, please? You are making me uncomfortable and I'd like if you stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he does not comply or act like this again then you should talk to your partner about this once more, and ask him to convince Bob to respect your boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after all that Bob's behavior does not change, this could be considered as harassing, at which point you might consider asking your partner to stop inviting Bob to your home. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but if someone cannot respect your boundaries, they shouldn't be allowed in the privacy of your home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Bob still causes you problems after that, then you should take legal actions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T11:34:30.950" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T11:34:30.950" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2453" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2405" CreationDate="2017-08-24T11:42:41.703" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what you did was probably the best course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look at it from the teacher's point of view: your authority comes from the myth that you're an infallible source of knowledge and wisdom, but the truth is that you're only human and you make mistakes. Even the most knowledgeable teachers mess up sometimes! So... the kindest thing to do (unless you really hate your teacher) is to not try to undermine the teacher's authority by directly pointing out their gaff, but to ask a question that will force the teacher (if they are any good) to spot and correct their own error. It's a way of fixing things without the teacher losing too much face in front of the class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teachers&amp;ndash;even good ones&amp;ndash;will make mistakes. But it's kinder to give them a chance to spot and correct their errors, before you embarrass them by pointing them out. (And, of course, you very well might be the one embarrassed if it turns out the error you point out is actually yours and not your teacher's!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4148" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T12:39:17.990" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T12:39:17.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-08-24T12:34:00.633" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;&quot;it's not me, it's you, I have a thing about people touching me in general.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. This shifts the blame from &quot;them being inappropriate&quot; to &quot;you being particular about it&quot;, and helps defuse the awkwardness of the situation while still sending the message that they should desist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Explanation(s):&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are absolutely right to feel it was an invasion of your personal space (whether &quot;big&quot; or &quot;small&quot; -- this is your perception entirely and not up to us to define; if it felt big to you then it was). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I also feel you are right that if you &quot;confronted&quot; him directly about it, they may be taken aback, and it could well come off as you making it a bigger deal than it is, as you say. In other words, the message is necessary, but the delivery does indeed matter and needs to be subtle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason for this is that, while one cannot guarantee this is the case, he may well think nothing of it and just be a bit more used to &quot;touchiness&quot; with his friends; heck, for him it may even be a gesture of appreciation and friendliness. While that's still an inappropriate thing to do -- not because it &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; necessarily be taken to be sexual, but because it &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt;, and one really ought to be more careful before taking such liberties -- a confrontation of an 'overt sexual violation' may be irreversibly damaging to your relationship with that friend (and possibly your husband).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, rather than say &quot;please don't touch me I think it's inappropriate, you are out of line and I feel uncomfortable&quot;, instead, I would say, you could phrase this in a way that shifts the blame from him being inappropriate to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; just personally being &quot;weird&quot; about such things in general, and that it's simply one of your weird 'boundaries' that you don't like having crossed. This defuses the situation by taking the accusation of sexual intent out of the picture, while &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; making a clear message that you don't appreciate being touched that way. E.g. &quot;Bob, sorry, don't misunderstand me, but I'm a bit weird about people touching me in general. Ask Jim (the husband)&quot; and this could turn into a joke and funny anecdotes about times where random people touched you and you &quot;overreacted&quot;; as opposed to what will happen if you make a direct confrontation, which will essentially come off as a mini-rape accusation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you care about your relationship with this person, this way of dealing with it would be more socially palatable, but the message is still clear. He should not touch you like this. It's not your thing; if after this he proceeds to touch you again in the same manner, you know it's not accidental, and then you can and should confront him a bit more directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said all that, I also agree that such matters should not simply be left to silence either. You are right to want to address this there and then, otherwise you create precedent. But it helps to make it clear that it's a case of &quot;you have just crossed some boundary of mine and I'm letting you know because I know you respect me, and so that you're aware of it and don't do it again&quot;, rather than &quot;omg you did &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; just cross that line that everyone in general knows exists and nobody would cross and that makes you a creep&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, one must also entertain the possibility that he &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt;, in fact, a creep, at least in this context. Unfortunately, that doesn't make him an all-round Bond-villain, and it doesn't preclude him from being a nice guy and a good friend in other contexts; people are not black and white, and most people do hold conflicting personalities at the same time. But it's important to recognise this may be the case rather than wallow in confusion as to whether he is &quot;good&quot; or &quot;bad&quot; in a binary sense. So you did the right thing by telling your husband about it. How you react to it in that particular social context to enable damage control is one thing, and recognising it was important for him to know you were made to feel this is another. At the very least so that he can look out for further red flags too, and not act in a way that puts you in an even more difficult position by overlooking such things later on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2526" LastEditorUserId="2526" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T15:21:16.927" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T15:21:16.927" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2340" CreationDate="2017-08-24T12:51:13.187" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;We should start with the age-old advice, &quot;Be polite but firm,&quot; and then understand why that's difficult.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's strange that you would call her &quot;humble, modest, and nice&quot; at the same time as writing in italics that she's seeking out long conversations with every single tenant.  It's strange because most adults are reasonably good at differentiating between welcome and unwelcome chatting. Maybe she's a humble and nice person, but your culture and her culture have different expectations about chatting, or about the cues for disengagement. Maybe she's a pushy person with a forceful agenda (e.g., emotional neediness or religious outreach) under the appearance of being kind and mutual. It's very unclear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do the other tenants enjoy their long conversations with her, leaving you as the only tenant whose lack-of-desire is being ignored?  (Do you have timid mannerisms that other people sometimes overlook?)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do the other tenants get bombarded with more chat than they want, and is she ignoring many different people's efforts at disengagement? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless whether this problem is cultural, personal, or both, you still have two obligations: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the obligation to her, of being polite and showing no disrespect&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the obligation to yourself, of protecting your boundaries&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3910" LastEditorUserId="3910" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T12:59:39.680" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T12:59:39.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2456" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2487" CreationDate="2017-08-24T14:03:29.943" Score="6" ViewCount="1351" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a personal home-tuition teacher who used to coach me since I was in 9th grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first, he was a very sincere teacher, who always gave me sufficient homework, gave me extra practise questions, and generally helped me do better at his subject (Mathematics). In return, I tried to be a sincere student, and did all the homework he gave me :), and also tried to give him the study material that he asked me for, as I had a lot of extra study material lying at home. My teacher would see these, and he would ask me for a copy of those. I would (or rather, my parents would) take a copy of them, and pay for the copies themselves, as there is a tradition in India that the teacher is to be respected even more than God himself (see &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.region7saicenters.org/saidocuments/Seven%20Stories.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As time passed, my teacher stopped helping out so much, and began increasing his fees while delivering lower quality of teaching. He even began asking me (again, my parents in reality) for payment even for the extra material that he used to provide me with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In course of time, I wrote and qualified for the second stage of a certain examination, which I did partially with this teacher's support, and partially with support from my school. However, a few days before the actual examination, my tuition teacher said that he had gone abroad for a business trip, when in reality, he had gone for a holiday with his entire family. I got to know this from a really reliable source. This really made me furious, because I had multiple doubts to ask, and at that time even my school was closed for the same holiday (Dusshera and Diwali, if anyone wants to know).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, when I was preparing for the second stage examination, which happens a few months later, this teacher began providing me with substandard quality of questions as my parents had made a delay in making the payment. Nevertheless, I continued to help him, and one day, he asked me for some really good and expensive study material, for a &quot;few&quot; days. He took the actual books this time, not a copy, and he hasn't returned it yet. It's been nearly a year now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ironically, I actually qualified for the second stage of the examination, even with the poor-quality questions I had prepared with. However, now, I am no longer in contact with this teacher, due to his attitude and high fees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I thank my teacher now that I have qualified? If yes, then should I ask him for my study material?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a teenager from India, studying in the 11th grade now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T07:30:49.260" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T07:30:49.260" Title="Should I thank my private teacher after qualifying and ask for having my books back?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2019-07-29T13:40:35.983" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2456" CreationDate="2017-08-24T15:16:10.503" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer, this is from an American perspective and doesn't take into account any nuances of Indian culture.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, now, I am no longer in contact with this teacher, due to his attitude and high fees. Should I thank my teacher now that I have qualified?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are no longer in touch, then I see no point in reaching out to him. He may have been very helpful to you at first, but it's clear that he became unreliable as time went on. It sounds like your success is because of your own diligence and intelligence, not because of his help, so I'm not sure he even deserves thanks. I see nothing to gain by restarting contact with him now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If yes, then should I ask him for my study material?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer was no, but if for some reason you did decide to thank him, I wouldn't ask for the study material. If he's had it for over a year and hasn't returned it yet, then you aren't going to get it back. Consider it a lesson learned to be more careful with who you trust in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, if I don't resume contact, and he gets to know about this by himself, then what would I do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you expect him to do? Demand that you thank him for services he didn't provide? And how would he find out in the first place? I think you are very unlikely to hear from him, and any reaction you would get is something you could easily brush off and ignore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1959" LastEditorUserId="1959" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T16:22:43.677" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T16:22:43.677" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2382" CreationDate="2017-08-24T15:25:58.190" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why be such a shrinking violet?  Just say what you think as tactfully as you can.  If you want to make him feel better, confess that your own grammar also isn't perfect.  Call him an ass, and buy him a beer to commiserate his folly!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person takes offense, they have much bigger problems than bad grammar to deal with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;arrogance&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;stubbornness&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;over-reaction&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;anger management&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;refusal to learn&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;social maladjustment&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the pride that may come with a position of some power and achievement&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will be lucky to know to stay away from that person; and more importantly, to keep your kids away from a bad teacher and a bad example. Ugh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teachers spend hours each week correcting kids' work. If they can't handle a little correction or criticism themselves from time to time, this indicates a serious flaw in their personality.  Yes it's a common flaw, but no, it's not acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't want a stubbornly arrogant person to teach my children. If the teacher takes offense at a kindly correction to his grammar, get a different teacher, and make it clear to him that you're ditching him because his reaction was unacceptable, not because his grammar is poor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This particular grammatical error is especially irritating to hear and embarrassing to commit. The person is trying to sound erudite by using &quot;correct grammar&quot;, and yet they are stuffing it up. Any teacher worth his salt should humbly thank you for such a correction.  If not, all they are is just another brick in the wall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't like it when people try too hard to anticipate others' thoughts and feelings.  I think it's much better to just be straightforward.  Not rude, not tactless, but not tip-toeing around to avoid causing some imagined mild offense.  If someone's junk is hanging out of their pants, just tell them already: &quot;hey mate, your junk is hanging out of your pants, might want to fix that, big guy&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being straightforward and honest is the best interpersonal skill you can have.  Your friends will thank you for it, and you're better off without those who don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4170" LastEditorUserId="4170" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T15:39:31.903" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T15:39:31.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2459" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-24T16:00:26.073" Score="2" ViewCount="589" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an INTJ and pretty far on the scale of introversion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am frequently approached by others to either ask questions or obtain my help.&#xA;I do enjoy helping others, particularly with computers or electronics questions.&#xA;Not infrequently, I am asked for my opinion in the course of offering assistance. This usually has one of two outcomes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think for several seconds trying to craft an answer that will be inoffensive, and the other person gets uncomfortable with the long pause.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I respond with my honest opinion, not expecting a problem. And the other party calls me elitist or acts as if I was condescending.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the local hackerspace, someone has an Arduino project that I help them with. They are then pleased that their gadget they made using a $10 computer board works. They ask me &quot;Don't you think arduinos are great?&quot;&#xA;I answered, &quot;No, not really. I would rather build a micro than buy one.&quot;&#xA;The response was &quot;Well, I guess you think my project is pretty stupid.&quot;&#xA;I didn't and was very surprised to get this reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An extroverted friend of mine is very involved in maker fair events and has asked me a couple of times to attend, which I declined. He then asks why.&#xA;I am not really interested in going and say so. Another why query results.&#xA;It takes me several seconds to respond, because I am thinking about why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the course of that time I remember:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People asking me to help them come up with a new idea for what to build for a maker fair and thinking internally &quot;That guy is building something to impress people instead of for the thrill of making something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People at the hackerspace broke tools because they did not have what they needed to do a job properly, but were nevertheless determined to get something done in time for a maker fair.&#xA;No more than 10 seconds pass without my answering and he says, &quot;Never mind the question, you elitist!&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same guy sends me a link to a video where Adam Savage toured the makerspace at MIT. URL:&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaHMDNf56W4&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaHMDNf56W4&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He then bitterly complains about the professor at MIT being condescending to Adam Savage. He seemed very surprised that I did not think the prof was condescending. I told him my take was he probably was really enthusiastic that someone was interested in what he was working on instead of their eyes glazing over with boredom, and as result wanted to share what he knew. He rolls his eyes and said, &quot;I should have expected that from you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am asked for help with a computer problem and invite this person to my apartment. As soon as they walk in the door they see that the living room is dominated by bookshelves, shelves of tools and parts and a couple of workbenches. She comments, &quot;I see where you work, but where do you live?&quot;&#xA; I reply, &quot;What are you talking about?&quot; She replies, &quot;Never mind&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit to narrrow focus and clarfiy due to comments:&#xA;I am often genuinely puzzled by other peoples reactions to me.&#xA;I do not feel like I am a snob, and am surprised that this was mentioned in the comments.&#xA;What I am hoping for in an answer is to get a response that helps me:&#xA;A) Better understand some of the confusing responses I receive.&#xA;B) Have some idea how to behave a little differently to get along with others better.&#xA;The first answer has already given me a helpful start in mentioning empathy.&#xA;Eg. It did not occur to me that I was raining on the arduino guys enthusiasm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4159" LastEditorUserId="4159" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T17:29:09.133" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T17:29:09.133" Title="Introvert needs help to avoid giving unintended offense" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-08-24T18:07:13.493" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2456" CreationDate="2017-08-24T16:08:06.943" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with David K here. No need to reach out to him since you're not in touch lately. And the study material is a lost cause, so no point in asking for that either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, next time in a similar scenario, you should be more careful about letting somebody borrow your original materials. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in case you accidentally cross paths in the future, do greet him, and if asked, tell him about your results. Don't hold any grudges against him, but don't bring him back into your life either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an Indian, and I fully understand your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T16:13:10.750" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T16:13:10.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="160" CreationDate="2017-08-24T16:25:48.933" Score="6" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Tell your friend you need her to distinguish between business and friendship.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will go against the pressure (subtle or overt) her business venture is applying to treat her entire friend list as leads, but it has to be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;MLMs exploit personal relationships for profit, pure and simple. They decentralize the data mining to have downlines do the work of finding leads. While this doesn't &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to be a bad thing, of course, the real world is full of friends who don't want to be marketed to. It shouldn't be your job to correct the distortion that a marketing organization is imposing, but maintaining a friendship takes work on both sides. Then it's up to her to pay attention and understand that &lt;s&gt;pushy&lt;/s&gt; persistent recruitment makes you want to stay away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4172" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T16:41:20.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2459" CreationDate="2017-08-24T16:41:51.033" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are several factors at work here, not just introversion. One is relatively easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you get asked a question where you anticipate a person will have to wait for a response, warn them. Say something along the lines of, &quot;Let me think about that for a minute.&quot; If they are getting antsy, just say, &quot;Still thinking. Won't be long.&quot; This will only work, though, if it's a question that actually requires thought. Most probably don't. Many questions are social, not technical:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;An extroverted friend... involved in maker fair events... asked me... to attend, which I declined. He then asks why. I am not really interested in going and say so. Another why query results. It takes me several seconds to respond, because I am thinking about why. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't really need to go over all the reasons you don't like going. You can just repeat some version of your first (and true) response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The fairs are fine, but I like (x) better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everybody is entitled to your thought processes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social questions usually ask for support of some kind. If you agree, great. If you don't agree, try answering with a positive alternative. That requires empathy (having a sense of how the other person will &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; in response to your question.) For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Don't you think arduinos are great?&quot; (Parallel: Isn't it beautiful outside today?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of shutting down his enthusiasm (because that's what your answer did), try to validate his feeling of enthusiasm as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This was fun and I enjoyed doing it with you, but in general, I like building them more. (Parallel: Yes, but thunderstorms are my thing.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like the above, humor is social.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I see where you work, but where do you live?&quot; I reply, &quot;What are you talking about?&quot; She replies, &quot;Never mind&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that was a joke. People don't like to explain their jokes that fell flat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I don't &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; this is just a matter of introversion. I think it's also a matter of expression of empathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T16:41:51.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2463" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-24T16:43:23.387" Score="67" ViewCount="28660" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some friends invite you to their home. There's just the 4 of you (2 couples). S/he is cooking. At the end, s/he is asking you how was the meal s/he made for you. You didn't enjoy it at all, food was far below average, not to say worse than that. How can you answer that question?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are good friends, the meal is standard food for the country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to hurt their feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Is there a polite way to answer or deflect the question?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT (from comments / more details):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;my 2 cents: she asks because nobody made compliments during the meal.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It happens all of a sudden, I was stunned by a question that I didn't expect.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's quite common to ask in Western Europe (from experience: with people in/from UK, Germany, France, Spain, Italy).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Host is a standard cook with average experience.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Dishes: salad as an appetizer, chicken with &amp;quot;sauce&amp;quot; (?) and vegetables. Sweets weren't homemade. Nothing too spicy/salty/bland, just an unpleasant taste.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE&lt;/strong&gt;: I have put into practice a method based upon a mix of some answers. Long story short: good meal with (closer) friends, but did like it was not &lt;em&gt;in my mind&lt;/em&gt;. Asked my host right away: &lt;em&gt;what is this taste in your dish? looks like you put [ name it ] in it&lt;/em&gt;? Her: &lt;em&gt;this, and this too. Why?&lt;/em&gt; Me: &lt;em&gt;tastes different, I never expected that it would do this.&lt;/em&gt; Her: &lt;em&gt;but did you like it?&lt;/em&gt; Me: &lt;em&gt;maybe it would have better matched MY taste to put less of it, or none at all, because I like it [ your taste ]. Don't worry, I'm curious, it's just a question, not a big deal :)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All went fine. Then I told them the whole story, that the meal was very good, and apologized for making them part of an experience, to which they laughed. As they were curious about it, we even talked about this awkward situation, and my previous experience, and what one should do. Like some others I asked to, they said that you should be very careful when you answer, and that deflection was the smartest way to do it, in their POV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2nd try&lt;/strong&gt; : I brought this in an unformal talk: &lt;em&gt;how would you react if...?&lt;/em&gt;. Most people said: &lt;strong&gt;don't tell it's not good! Either you deflect or you white lie.&lt;/strong&gt; (but to me, liying is not an option though).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Anyway, thanks a lot, you all have been very helpful at this point. To be continued...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T11:37:32.620" Title="What could you possibly say to a friend who cooked a meal you didn't enjoy at all?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2459" CreationDate="2017-08-24T16:44:17.987" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also sometimes take a long time to formulate a response to questions. The key here is to show that you heard the question, are thinking of a response, and are not ignoring them. I communicate this using several methods. I sometimes change my facial expression into something that looks like I'm concentrating. Sometimes I'll say &quot;thats a good question: let me think&quot; (it doesnt matter if it is a good question; they will accept the compliment). The key is to give a sign that you arent ignoring people, people dont like being ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One tool that I've seen people in similar situations use is to practice responses to questions. Right down some questions that youve been asked before that have given you some trouble. Then spend as much time as you like formulating a response. Try to find some common phrases that you can use in response to various categories of questions. Try to notice common themes. Answering questions is a skill like any other; you need practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If you have questions about how to respond to a specific question, then you need to ask a question specifically about that specific question.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user288" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T16:49:18.060" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T16:49:18.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2463" CreationDate="2017-08-24T16:57:24.820" Score="7" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Say something nice, and continue the conversation in the usual flow.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, in case, the food &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; affected your well-being, then be honest. Let them know if you're allergic to something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wanted to give feedback, do provide some suggestions, not criticism. &amp;quot;adding lemon to this would be a good idea&amp;quot; or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's like asking &amp;quot;what's up&amp;quot;. There is no need to go into details about the food a host is offering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I grew up in an Indian setting, that means, a lot of the family members lived in the same house, ate together at the same table - parents, grandparents, uncles, cousins, and if guests are present, them too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in practice, the men folk ate first, because they have other matters to quickly get back to. The women ate afterwards because women preferred to sit, relax, and gossip for a while, while they're eating, and also needed the rest after long hours spent cooking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We made it a habit to comment on the food only when it's extraordinarily good. That is, a good comment will be rare, and that will make the women very happy, and feel rewarded for their long and combined effort in the kitchen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, we would ask any and every guest eating with us what they felt about the food. It's our tradition to consider guests as gods (in a manner of speaking). So far, every guest would only say good things, even if something might have been tasteless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, if we go to visit others, we would show the same etiquette. Say something nice and pleasing, not honest and brutal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T18:28:19.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2467" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2477" CreationDate="2017-08-24T17:07:49.213" Score="0" ViewCount="664" Body="&lt;p&gt;He is working in the same office building but by a different company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He welcomed me sometimes already, and it was clear he remembers me from somewhere. Also, I remember his face, however, I can't remember, where did we meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I welcomed him back, trying to hide that I don't have any idea, who is he.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that if he finds that I totally forgot him, it wouldn't make him the best impression. Thus, I would like to avoid it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I am very, very curious, who could he be. I think I should somehow find it out. However, I have no idea, how could I ask it from him, because asking this, I would reveal that I've forgotten him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.s. It is Germany.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2998" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T17:14:42.973" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T23:19:05.667" Title="How to ask from somebody I can't remember, where did we meet?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2382" CreationDate="2017-08-24T17:15:32.660" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DO NOT!!!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no value in doing so, only harm. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's very unlikely that the teacher will be thankful for the correction. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The sentence was understandable, and transmitted an idea (that what language is for after all)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There are and will be far more important fights.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't know everything and you are counting on this person (the teacher) to fill in your gaps, for your daughter. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day soon, you will need to fight, what I call, the &quot;banana is not a fruit&quot; fight. Essentially, your child will answer a question correctly, say &quot;Circle all the fruits&quot; leaving the banana un-circled. The teacher will mark it wrong, and you will have to fight. You will need to step up, and let the teacher know that she is wrong, and that a 2nd grader was right. You will need to be respectful, and tactful. You can not have that fight, calmly, if you have already been labeled &quot;grammar Nazi&quot;, &quot;problem parent&quot;, &quot;jack ass&quot; etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This issue is simply not worth the &quot;political points&quot;. You gain nothing and loose a lot. Let it go, it's just not that important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T17:15:32.660" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2463" CreationDate="2017-08-24T17:19:32.903" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no polite way to tell someone you care for that you didn't enjoy their cooking. If you go to a restaurant that charges a lot of money but serves substandard food, you might have a leg to stand on. But in this situation, the host's feelings are more important than your tastebuds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said in a comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she asks because nobody said something during the meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exactly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Maybe an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure here.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the meal, compliment things you can (it's expected in the US anyway. It's a social grace.) There must be &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; nice you can say. Depending on your culture,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your table looks lovely.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  The food looks wonderful!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I like these spices (leave out the &quot;...even if you didn't add enough of them.&quot;)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I love (x)! (leave out the &quot;I never thought anyone could make bad (x)!&quot;)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Thank you, that was lovely. (At the end of the meal. What was lovely about it? The conversation, the time your friend took to prepare it for you, the time you spent together, the fact that you're no longer hungry.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm unaware of any way to suggest improvements without hurting the person's feelings. That's not something I would ever do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lying, to me, is a big deal, and I hate to do it. But friendship and feelings are important, too, and I would never tell someone their food was sub-par. I would look for an opportunity to praise someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Once a friend invited me and my friend to dinner, and served a Greek dish. It was Mousaka, and I said, I love mousaka! and when it was served, &quot;This looks great!&quot; Unfortunately, I found a hair on my first bite. I didn't say anything and kept eating, but then found a second and third and fourth hair. I wondered if she had brushed her hair right over the ingredients! I felt sick. I just said, (X), thanks so much for the lovely dinner. I really appreciate the time you put into it. I'm sorry I can't finish it; I don't feel too well.&quot; It was awful, and I never ate there again, but we did go out to restaurants to eat.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T17:19:32.903" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2471" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2463" CreationDate="2017-08-24T17:25:42.253" Score="96" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Was the dish too spicy?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“I think the chilis disagreed with me a bit, a pity because (find something, anything, that was &quot;good&quot;, maybe it was the accompanying beverage) the wine you chose was simply superb.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And change the topic to wines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Was it too bland?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“I'm used to spicier food myself. I blame 25 years of Indian takeaways, no reflection at all on your cooking.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And change the topic to takeaways, and eating out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Was the food... (horrors) slightly off?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do not say anything. But ask where she bought the meat/fish/cream/seafood salad etc. As you would like to pop in there one day (and interrogate the manager).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Change the subject to supermarkets vs open markets&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is the host usually a good cook?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Simply say it was very tasty but not up to her abnormally high standards, she has spoilt you and your wife rotten over the years, and as a result, you expect nothing less than two Michelin Star when dining at her home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Swiftly change the topic to cooking programmes and cooks vs chefs. Is Gorden Ramsey overrated? Should Jamie Oliver be crowned saviour of English cooking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is the host a novice cook?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Say nothing. Compliment her on everything, tell her you were tired but enjoyed every morsel.  Then for Christmas, or her birthday, get her any Gordon Ramsey's cook book. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Are you &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; good friends with her husband?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tell him the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Are you a wonderful cook?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Invite them around for dinner next month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T17:43:43.537" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T17:43:43.537" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2472" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-24T17:36:43.500" Score="6" ViewCount="894" Body="&lt;p&gt;In some cases when I talk with someone from another country, he/she starts to talk badly about yet another country, which is neither my country nor my conversation partner's country. The content is usually a strong prejudice against the culture and people in the country, and could include racism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tends to happen especially in cases where many people in one country are reported to have negative impression on the country - Brits on Poland, Chinese on South Korea, Taiwanese on mainlanders, Vietnamese on Chinese, etc... In some cases I might feel that they start to talk badly about the country in part to attract my interest and/or feel sympathy, as they seem to know the majority of people from my country hate the country (and they likely had an experience of getting a &quot;successful harmony&quot; in the past but they would not know that people they talked with were racists).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I see it rather untolerable. Not only I don't accept their bigotries but also that I rather have quite a positive impression on these countries, and usually travel there frequently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually get silenced and wait for them to finish their contempt. These people might be good otherwise (but not close friends and I don't see them as my friends, either), and not the kind of people I would like to bother to argue with. So how can I avoid it without asking it directly, which might possibly cause a tension?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:25:40.867" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T08:10:41.217" Title="How could I stop my conversation partner from bashing another country without asking it directly?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;prejudice&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2463" CreationDate="2017-08-24T18:03:30.637" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can see three potential avenues here: you want to kindly give truthful advice; you want to avoid the question and let implication do the work for you; or you want to maintain the friendship and deflect without lying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Avenue one: Gentle critique&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use your answer to shift the frame of reference. &quot;I'd be glad to get your recipe for this,&quot; for instance, means you are now talking about a set of instructions from who-knows-where rather than anything the cook did or didn't do correctly. If you're a cook yourself, you can then shift to shop talk: &quot;Have you ever tried some flaky sea salt? I love what it does with texture&quot; or &quot;I remember making something similar--I used the broiler to sear it, which was fun.&quot; You can suggest something you think would have improved the food without casting aspersions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Avenue two: Reservation and implication&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This technique would be difficult for me to pull off, and runs a bigger risk of offending or hurting your friend. &quot;Oh, I wasn't very hungry,&quot; you could say (if it were remotely true--it's clear that you hate lying). Or just say &quot;fine&quot; and change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Avenue three: Face-saving deflection&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a classic politician's technique: when asked a question you don't like, &lt;em&gt;answer a different question.&lt;/em&gt; &quot;It was so nice of you to cook for everyone!&quot; is a complimentary and honest answer that doesn't actually address the food. Similar responses include &quot;it's so great of you to have us over&quot; and &quot;this has been such a lovely night, we'll have to have you over soon to repay you.&quot; This requires a certain confidence and follow-through to shift the inertia of the conversation; hesitation can betray your reluctance to answer. But warmth and positive body language (leaning forward, eye contact) can help you move from talk of the regrettable past meal into plans for future gatherings and the good things they can bring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3339" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T18:26:15.453" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T18:26:15.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2463" CreationDate="2017-08-24T18:05:55.013" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless your host explicitly invites criticism (and, to be clear, asking how the meal was appears to be inviting &lt;em&gt;compliments&lt;/em&gt;, not criticism), don't criticize the food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should always find something nice to say about the meal, even if it just &lt;em&gt;looked&lt;/em&gt; nice (complimenting the &quot;presentation&quot; makes it sound fancier!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the host says something like &quot;I don't think this turned out the way it was supposed to, so please be honest and tell me what you think&quot; or &quot;I'm trying to get this right, so please let me know if there's anything you didn't like about how it turned out&quot;, you may be able to point out one thing you didn't like, but &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; start by pointing out at least one thing you &lt;strong&gt;did&lt;/strong&gt; like, first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also want to avoid mentioning more than one thing you didn't like (again, only if they &lt;strong&gt;explicitly&lt;/strong&gt; request criticism).  One negative comment can be taken as constructive criticism.  Two may or may not be acceptable.  Three or more will most likely result in the host feeling like the meal was a complete failure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T18:05:55.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2475" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2480" CreationDate="2017-08-24T18:14:02.767" Score="4" ViewCount="781" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently started working with a new company, and it's great. Every few months, they'll organise for everyone to meet-up in a pub after work for drinks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a meet-up coming soon which I'm looking forward to attending, but am concerned that after the whole &quot;How's it going? Are you settling in alright?&quot; palaver, the conversation will run dry. It might be worth noting that about 80% of them are of a completely different, older generation to myself; I think it'd be unlikely that we have similar interests. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would consider myself to be quiet and a bit of an introvert, and so find it difficult to spark up, and maintain, conversations with new people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I maintain a casual conversation with a new colleague, who will most likely have dissimilar interests to me?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2514" LastEditorUserId="2514" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T18:25:45.343" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T22:57:58.697" Title="How to have a casual conversation with new colleagues?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2463" CreationDate="2017-08-24T18:28:31.483" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only polite way to answer the question is honestly but with tact.  It is not polite to deflect the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter the culture or setting if your host is your friend and you have mutual trust, an honest answer is the only correct choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of the other suggestions of avoidance, false pleasantry, forced compliments, or out right lying are not helpful for your long term friendship.  Your friend will most likely see them for what they are and you will have eroded part of your friendship for naught.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best course of action is to own it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple &lt;em&gt;&quot;I didn't care for it.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; followed by a sincere &lt;em&gt;&quot;But I really do appreciate it. Thank you.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; is probably all that is needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to get more complicated some suggestions that might apply... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Maybe it's just me but it wasn't great.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;It was ok but something seemed off about it.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Do you want the nice answer or an honest one?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2924" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T18:43:40.410" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T18:43:40.410" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2477" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2467" CreationDate="2017-08-24T18:46:47.390" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see how you can get away from his suspicion after you ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, people forget. Simply dig a bit about your acquaintance and you can make an educated guess where and when you meet him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How long he has been in company B?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely you meet him in the building. Asking this allow you to guesstimate when did that happen. If you met and introduced yourselves casually, how you met is not important and you can just give up and enjoy the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you both have a common interest?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If yes, try to remember the recent activity and event. You might met him in a conference or gathering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then throw a wild statement, hoping he remember the fact better and correct you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I first met you I already know you will be such a good friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Followed by&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Isn't that x year ago?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Didn't we meet at &quot;insert an event&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bonus :&lt;/strong&gt; Big chance that they don't remember clearly how you met, too. So just enjoy your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if they do remember, you can shrug it off by complimenting his good memory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Really? Wow, you have such a good memory! I think I might have gone old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T18:46:47.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2467" CreationDate="2017-08-24T18:57:02.687" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It looks like he doesn't remember either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he had, he would, like most socially-adept people, have dropped you a clue:  &quot;Ah, I haven't seen you since summer camp in the forest!,&quot; or something similar.    So there is no real harm in telling him:  &quot;I remember &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, but not where we met.&quot;  That would not only be friendly, and honest, but would open up your first post-reunion conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to fake your way through a conversation like this can be far more embarrassing (for both parties) than fessing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T18:57:02.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2475" CreationDate="2017-08-24T18:59:02.623" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you mention they are older generation, you can ask (and compliment) them for &lt;strong&gt;their experience.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People love compliments. Asking them to share their journey with the company, or even their journey in this field, or life events, establish the impression that you respect them. Try to identify an influential person, and ask him to share his experience, either 1:1 or to the group. If he share to the group, make sure to read the situation properly and don't let anyone else feel left out (or worse, you attempt to flatter the boss).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some topics you can use&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How long they have been in the company?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  How was it like when they started working in the company?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How long they have been in x field?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Remember that conversation is always two directional.&lt;/strong&gt; If they run out of question to ask you, it's your turn to ask them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Life events can be a topic, but carefully read the persons and situation. Start lightly and keep it general and non-intrusive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T18:59:02.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2475" CreationDate="2017-08-24T19:05:59.963" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, do not approach the encounter thinking they will have different interests to you. You may find they have a hobby similar to one of yours. I'd be willing to bet at least one secretly visits Stack Exchange...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in any case, it doesn't matter if they do have different interests, in fact you may have a better conversation if they have a completely different background, as everything may be a learning experience for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing to do is actively listen. By that I mean after asking a question really listen to what they say. Use this to ask questions to get more info. Don't bring up what you do until asked. Don't try and interrupt. Just try and learn something new. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't let it worry you. If you want to you could prepare some basic chat questions by watching the news. Current affairs can be a good starting point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T19:05:59.963" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2472" CreationDate="2017-08-24T19:15:55.030" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just like whenever you are facing a topic you are not interested in: &lt;strong&gt;change the topic.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you do that will vary depending on your preference and the current culture you are dealing with, but generally &lt;em&gt;changing the topic after an interruption&lt;/em&gt; while they talk works wonder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Excuse me for a minute, I really need to go to the toilet right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm thinking to go to &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;insert place here&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; after this. Do you know where it is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you can just &lt;strong&gt;dismiss the talk and leave the person&lt;/strong&gt; altogether. Saying &amp;quot;I need to go&amp;quot; after looking at the clock rarely goes bad even for strangers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T19:15:55.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-08-24T19:24:37.900" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple. Stand up for yourself. If necessary, do like they do on trains in Japan. Grab the hand that touched you inappropriately, raise it high in the air, and shout, &quot;Pervert! Pervert!&quot; This is done to warn others in the vicinity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is too hard for you, grab his hand, throw it back at him, look him right in the eye, and say, &quot;What is WRONG with you?! Do NOT touch me like that EVER AGAIN!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not apologize. Let him know in no uncertain terms that his behavior is completely unacceptable. Don't be afraid of awkwardness. It will not be awkward for you if you learn how to assert yourself. It will only be awkward for him for being publicly shamed for being a sleazebag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4185" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T19:24:37.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2463" CreationDate="2017-08-24T19:28:09.857" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a similar thing with a friend who would consistently under-do everything, whether it was not quite enough spice, or not cooking it long enough, for fear of over-doing or burning it, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is a repeated problem with one type of dish or element of cooking or something like that, I would suggest gently telling your friend &lt;em&gt;not at a meal&lt;/em&gt;, something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I've noticed you're a little timid with the salt, maybe you could add more the next time you cook?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to have a solid critique of their food, &quot;It was a good idea, but mine was a little burnt,&quot; or emphasize that maybe it was just your serving that was bad (even if it wasn't just yours).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I liked it, but mine didn't have enough spice.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then your friend has a little bit of plausible deniability but might remember your comment the next time they prepare the dish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4077" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T19:28:09.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2342" CreationDate="2017-08-24T19:42:50.477" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;One crucial question would be&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it really important that he become more self-aware?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you answered it yourself: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can be happy if he never changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interpersonal skills is not just about improving communication or improving awareness including self-awareness: &lt;strong&gt;it is about accepting people as they are&lt;/strong&gt;, especially our loved ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents may have some confusions with self-perception but I might, too. So too your husband and maybe yourself? As one of the earlier answers has wisely noted, not everyone even &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to be self-aware.&#xA;Self-awareness is not everyone's strong suit, though I try to understand my own motivations myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The strength of the relationship matters more&lt;/strong&gt; and again you said this yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For clarity, things are fine in my marriage. We get along well, and accept one another's quirks and such overall. (...)  Things are good. He's a good man &amp;amp; I only want to even try if there is good to come of it. You know, the old &quot;don't fix what isn't broken&quot; idea. We have a good life. I don't want to make issues if this is inappropriate for me to broach with him. I can be happy if he never changes. ;) – threetimes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that's your answer. You have a lot of interpersonal talent (as evidenced by your answers and comments at this website) so if you want, you can be self-aware for the both of you. I am glad that you and your husband have built a good marriage over 25 years, &lt;strong&gt;so you just keep up the good work!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T19:53:29.980" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T19:53:29.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-08-24T20:00:16.483" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;A number of answers here are good, and it depends on what you feel comfortable with as to which suits you best.  I just wanted to make comment about a point a few people are making vis: how the outcome of this will affect Bob and your partner's relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I personally feel that how you react to Bob's touching you has little to do with anyone else and any fallout is Bob's problem to deal with, best practice is probably to let your partner know the action you intend taking beforehand, so he is not surprised when it happens, and doesn't end up apologising for your behaviour, or worse taking Bob's side if Bob's reaction is all astonished shock and hurt (&quot;how could you possibly think such a thing&quot;).*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just let your partner know if Bob touches you again, you are going to call him out, slap his face, cause a scene, or whatever, so his reaction is considered, not reflex when it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;*As an aside, how Bob reacts when you make your response to his actions may inform you of his real intent.  If he's sorry for crossing boundaries, apologises and says it won't happen again, he's likely more innocent than if he follows the above all hurt script, or tries to claim you must have 'contact issues' or similar.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3387" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T20:04:07.707" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T20:04:07.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2456" CreationDate="2017-08-24T20:07:40.220" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;(1) I am Indian myself and this is a good learning experience for you not to give excessive importance to teachers during your higher studies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you noted, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;there is a tradition in India that the teacher is to be respected even more than God himself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but in my experience with Indian teachers over a period of 30 years, &lt;strong&gt;such reverence should be extended only to those few teachers who really deserve it&lt;/strong&gt; through their kind, caring, sincere and sensitive approach to their students. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All others who exploit the reverence we are expected to give generically, you simply ignore. They are paid to teach and that's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) Regarding this part of your question: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I thank my teacher now that I have qualified? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and this concern you raised in a comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, if I don't resume contact, and he gets to know about this by himself, then what would I do? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You answered this yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ironically, I actually qualified for the second stage of the examination, even with the poor-quality questions I had prepared with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think you don't need to contact him and you would do nothing 'if he gets to know' because this teacher is no longer in contact with you and the circumstances of your 'drifting apart' professionally were not at all to your educational advantage. You still got good result in your examination, so &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=%22more+power+to+you%22&amp;amp;ie=utf-8&amp;amp;oe=utf-8&amp;amp;client=firefox-b&amp;amp;gfe_rd=cr&amp;amp;ei=TDSfWf3UDZPnugStiaHQDw&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;more power to you!&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) You &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; ask the teacher for your books back --  if the books are really expensive then your parents could strictly demand that the teacher should return them immediately -- but in the interests of avoiding an unpleasant confrontation, I would write them off instead and concentrate on your future studies. Your answers here at Interpersonal.SE reveal you to be a sensible young person and you shall surely succeed in all your endeavors without depending excessively on individual teachers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will also later understand (if you haven't already) that &lt;strong&gt;people behaving selfishly is so common that we have no need to take it personally&lt;/strong&gt; -- people are like that only, so we will learn to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;forgive if not forget:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; by which I mean you can try to understand the teacher's selfishness; forgive the person for taking your books, giving poor coaching and almost damaging your exam result; and &lt;em&gt;remember it for future reference&lt;/em&gt; so that you will not be upset when someone else behaves like this later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can consider the lost books a 'fee' paid to the person for 'teaching' you this valuable life lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T03:51:12.730" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T03:51:12.730" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2488" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-24T20:28:56.577" Score="8" ViewCount="8359" Body="&lt;p&gt;So my boss asked me to do something and I responded by asking for clarification, asking &quot;do you want that as blah blah blah or do you want that as yadda yadda yadda?&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The response I got was &quot;yes that sounds good&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I respond without implying they didn't really read my response?  Or am I just reading too much into how my question will be received?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2422" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T02:22:34.157" LastActivityDate="2019-10-08T03:27:10.030" Title="How to politely respond to unclear email response?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;new-zealand&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-10-09T13:42:04.630" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2488" CreationDate="2017-08-24T20:58:07.783" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simply &lt;strong&gt;restate what you think you've been told to do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you. Now I will do x.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he &lt;strong&gt;does not agree&lt;/strong&gt;, he will respond back to you. Just &lt;strong&gt;apologize for the misunderstanding&lt;/strong&gt; and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will &quot;force&quot; him to correct you and give you a point when you need to defend why you do that. However, &lt;strong&gt;do not argue&lt;/strong&gt;. Be &lt;em&gt;brief&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;apologize&lt;/strong&gt;, and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T01:50:08.590" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T01:50:08.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2475" CreationDate="2017-08-24T21:18:13.357" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being an older generation autodidactic-philomath your assumption hurts me.  I must tell you &quot;I think you are missing out assuming we only like Classic-Rock, Cadillacs, and child rearing.&quot;  :-) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, you will never know if you don't ask.  It never hurts to ask questions of people.  Active listening is important, but you only need to find the next point to ask another question about that interest you.  Oldsters have children around, and those youngsters are interested in everything, that the relatives/friends become fascinated in as well.    I am currently learning to enjoy modern music which my niece and nephew like that initially I found terrible.  I started teaching one of my junior engineers about Scotch, and he is now more expert than me.    I secretly watch gaming videos on YouTube too.  So, you never know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, these event's are for the group to get to know each other.  Either, you boss or the someone in your work group will probably take you in hand and introduce you around, or at least they should.  Plus, people want to talk to the new person and will probably try to approach you.  If it's not going well approach your boss or someone you know and ask them who they think might be interesting for you to talk with about an interest or hobby you share. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on where you are &quot;Current Affairs&quot; can be a double edged sword; avoid the subjects of &quot;Sex, Politics, and Money.&quot;  Here in the USA &quot;Trump&quot; is polarizing even within groups of like-minded people.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also try, if you get bored or intimidated,  looking for the boisterous group and hover near the edge until you have something worthwhile to contribute, even a witticism will gain you a point, and you will learn a lot about your fellow employees just listening.  You might hear something from someone that peaks your interest, and you can pull them aside and talk about later.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, go in the opposite direction and look for the quietest person, and strike up a conversation with them; quiet waters run deep, and often present the best conversations. Start with &quot;Hi, I'm new. What do you do?&quot; Then it is just a simple progression of who, what, where, how, why, etc.  The quiet people also after some time might be trusted to tell you about the others in the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, remember that extroverts like introverts, who else is going to listen to us and ask questions? :-]  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3343" LastEditorUserId="3343" LastEditDate="2017-08-24T21:26:07.923" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T21:26:07.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2492" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2467" CreationDate="2017-08-24T23:19:05.667" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;The problem is that if he finds that I totally forgot him&quot; - that's the thing, you haven't totally forgotten him... you've just forgotten the context around your previous encounter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has happened a few times to me because of attending various events and meetups - in fact, one time it led to a moment where I ran into someone I had met previously and we both pointed at each other and simultaneously burst out with &quot;sorry, I don't remember where we met&quot;, much to the bemusement of several other people in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Curt points out, they also seem to be having difficulty in placing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time I would simply go over and say, &quot;Hi, I know we've met before, but I'm afraid I'm having a bit of trouble remembering when - let me reintroduce myself&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3109" LastActivityDate="2017-08-24T23:19:05.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2494" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2502" CreationDate="2017-08-25T00:52:36.717" Score="9" ViewCount="1606" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I've sat down during the movies and at some point after the movie has started, I have found out that I'm seated near children who won't stop talking during the film. Either they are trying to talk about something else with their family members or they are commenting on the film in a way that I find really distracting (e.g. &quot;Spider-Man's going to punch that guy!&quot;). Sometimes the parents can calm them down, but there are times where ten minutes later, they're still talking despite their parents' best efforts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, moving to another seat isn't possible if the theater is full, and I really want to enjoy the movie instead of leaving. Furthermore, staff members usually aren't around during a movie except at the ticket office or concession stand, so it doesn't seem practical to speak to management. What can I do to deal with this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;To be clear, I am using &quot;theater&quot; in the last paragraph to mean &quot;the room where the movie is being screened&quot;.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2309" LastEditorUserId="2309" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T02:51:19.347" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T04:10:55.390" Title="How do I deal with other people's children talking during the movies?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2497" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2426" CreationDate="2017-08-25T01:56:44.253" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/2428/106&quot;&gt;This answer&lt;/a&gt; does a good job of explaining how to focus the conversation (and your thinking) when talking with your father.  I'll add something I saw in my extended family (in the midwestern US, involving the first and second generations post-immigration from Italy, for what that's worth).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One family member who was already a little erratic got upset about &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt;, we never found out what, and cut off several family members (siblings and their children).  The latter group thought this was a fine idea, especially after the former filed a frivolous lawsuit against the latter.  Time passed.  Eventually, one family member (one of those cousins) reconciled with the person and then tried to get others to get back in touch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To which several of the others responded: &lt;em&gt;we&lt;/em&gt; aren't the ones who broke off contact; if she now wants a relationship, it's on her to make amends.  The message to the cousin -- whether it ever made it to the family member is unknown -- was that damage was done and she was going to have to at least apologize for it if fences were going to be mended.  It can be difficult to apologize and admit you were wrong, especially after a lot of time has passed; it can be &lt;em&gt;even more&lt;/em&gt; difficult for a third party to &lt;em&gt;convince&lt;/em&gt; someone to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems similar to your situation.  &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; didn't break off contact; your mother did.  If your mother wants to reconcile, you can tell your father, then she needs to act.  Further, because of what happened in the past (remember, it's about deeds not the person), you're very uncomfortable being that vulnerable, but you're willing to give it a try if she understands and apologizes for what she did (and, if applicable, fixes some of the damage she did).  Say all this with love and caring -- you're sad that this has come between you and your parents, you love your father and regret the bind he's in, you wish things could be different -- and it's not your move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This moves the situation from &quot;your father tries to persuade you&quot; to &quot;your father needs to get your mother to do something&quot;.  He might or might not be willing to pursue that, and if he does he might or might not succeed, but the chances seem good that you'll be able to continue avoiding her without being the &quot;bad guy&quot; in your father's eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that said: if he &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; pursue it and if she &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; apologize, ask your forgiveness, and ask for another chance, at that point you really need to be willing to try if you want to preserve your relationship with your &lt;em&gt;father&lt;/em&gt;.  Either things will actually be better (score!) or they won't and you can then say &quot;sorry, this isn't working&quot; and exit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T01:56:44.253" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2498" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-25T02:18:08.673" Score="21" ViewCount="6076" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi [your name here]!&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;It's been a long time since we last had a chance to catch up and I really hope you're doing well. Everything is great on my end [. . .]&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I'm writing because I really need someone to help me out this week with a project and I was thinking you would be a great option with your experience in this subject [. . .]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I regularly have to edit in these sorts of &amp;quot;pleasantries&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;greetings&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;niceties&amp;quot; at the beginning and end of emails right before I hit send because I &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; forget them but don't want to sound like I don't care about the person I'm communicating with. I find this is generally more common in emails after a break in communication. The example above is a bit extreme but I often find myself wanting to add something more than simply the name of the person I'm addressing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Happy Monday, hope you had a great weekend!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Good morning!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Welcome back from your vacation! When you've had time to catch up . . .&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thanks for your help!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday I had a chat with someone and they told me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In email and other forms of digital communication it's becoming increasingly rude to include such niceties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that email has become a pretty laid-back form of communication but is it now so laid back that I should cut to the chase, get to the point, kill the kindness?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any evidence in the form of a sourced article that these niceties are going the way of the dodo?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want anecdotal evidence for this. Everyone has their own writing style and preference. I want a study that supports either using or not using them. I've found email writing guides that make statements one way or another:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.brazen.com/blog/archive/career-growth/10-tips-for-writing-effective-emails-that-will-help-you-get-what-you-want/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Brazen.com&lt;/a&gt; 2014&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wouldn’t walk into a friend’s house for dinner and bark out a command. The same is true for email. Niceties can go a long way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pleasantries aren’t dated constructs; they’re valuable warm-up phrases for effective communication. Start your messages warmly, comment on your recipients’ latest achievements and wish them well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope all is well in your corner of the world! If Facebook’s telling me the scoop, it looks like you had an eventful month…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.thedailybeast.com/email-etiquette-when-being-impolite-at-work-pays&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt; by  The Daily Beast in 2011 disagrees:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Niceties, Shmiceties: How E-mail Etiquette Could Be Holding You Back&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I started with email, where I had often signed off with a chipper “thanks!” or apologized for inconveniencing someone with a request or for taking a while to reply. I was no longer sorry it took so long to get back to anyone. Neither did I feel either regretful about asking them to do something or grateful to them in advance for doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I painstakingly reread every message to make sure neither polite phrase had sneaked through. And after I’d carefully excised each self-effacing slip, I hit send with a new set to my jaw, a hard glimmer in my eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The effect was immediate: Colleagues began to treat me with more respect. Celebrity publicists—a notably power-aware lot whom I often contacted in my job—were more responsive. Even interns (those pecking-order experts) seemed to regard me with a new sort of awe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though, this article is one person's experience rather than a broader study and it's also specific to women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For simplicity, let's say these are emails at work in the US. A study that includes gender in the consideration would be really useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T21:35:35.647" Title="Are &quot;pleasantries&quot; in emails still ... &quot;pleasant&quot;?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2499" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-25T02:35:44.613" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm very late to the party here. Most of what I can offer has already been said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is driving you as crazy as it would me (it doesn't sound like it, though), I would recommend two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to your mother about her childhood, her adulthood, her relationship with her parents and her inlaws, basically every important relationship she had. This overwhelming need to obtain your agreement on matters of some-to-no importance is not normal. Maybe you'll uncover a key in your conversations that will help you figure out why she is the way she is. If you do, it will help you to form a more effective counter to her habitual pressuring.* Or maybe you'll jog her memory for the next step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mother is a woman who projects a very strong front, but it's really not normal (I hope that's not insulting. I certainly don't mean it to be, and I sincerely apologize if I've offended you.) You might talk to your mother - after talking to her about her life experiences - that she might benefit from seeing a therapist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My guess is that she'll pooh pooh this right off the bat. To that, you can react in one of two ways:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask her why not? when she answers you, ask her how would she know unless she tried? Keep doing this for two or three hours until she's somewhat exasperated. Then tell her you're sorry, but this is exactly how she makes you feel. All. The. Time. Maybe it will open her eyes. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain that her constant pushing to do things you have no interest in is having a negative effect on your relationship, and though you've put up with it for a long time, you want a more enjoyable relationship with her, one in which she treats you respectfully like an intelligent adult capable of making good decisions. Since you've tried everything &lt;em&gt;you can&lt;/em&gt; to convince her that you're able to make up your own mind, but she has trouble respecting that, a good therapist might help her to see why she does this. (This is the tack I'd take.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although it sounds drastic, I think there's a deep seated issue here, and unless your mom gets to the root of the problem (which she won't without expert help), other measures, like boundaries (which I firmly believe in) may seem punitive and unloving to her, and while they might get you off the hook, they might hurt your mom in ways you had not anticipated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been where you are. It was absolutely exhausting to me, and was so bad it drove &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; into therapy! I learned a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; in therapy and so it's on my list of resources. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&lt;sub&gt;Here's a shot-in-the-dark kind of example: her parents were very hands off, and she always wished they had taken an interest in her, leaving her feeling unloved. She vowed not to be &quot;that kind of parent&quot;. I doubt that's it, but you get the idea.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T02:35:44.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2494" CreationDate="2017-08-25T02:40:01.507" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you said that moving to another seat or complaining to theatre staff/ management is not an option, this question is challenging indeed. Strictly speaking, it is the parents' task to see that their children do not create a disturbance for other movie-goers, and the theatre management ought to ensure this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that the children are accompanied by at least one parent, you can request the parent to exchange seats such that the &lt;strong&gt;parents/ parent is between you and the children&lt;/strong&gt; -- if there are 2 parents it will make it much quieter even though the children are talking 2 seats away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's my experience that many parents will ignore your request. However, an obliging parent might make the seat-shuffle to mitigate their children's disturbance, so it's worth making the request. If the parent refuses to help you then the only thing to do is to focus on the movie and endure/ try to tune out the chatter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Direct action:&lt;/strong&gt; if the parents allow it, you could spare a minute to buy 4 bags of popcorn and give them a bag each. It will keep them quiet till the popcorn is finished. It is also my experience that children tend to become quieter after eating food. Try this out next time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: If some other member gives a really convincing answer to this very challenging question I shall appreciate that answer with a 50 point bounty (or even 100 point bounty for a really brilliant answer.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T03:30:38.130" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T03:30:38.130" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2501" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2494" CreationDate="2017-08-25T02:57:25.953" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like movies and have been in this situation more times than I could count.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually observe the kids for a few minutes to try to figure out the best tactic. If they are sweet kids with poor impulse control, I address myself to them directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This movie is great, isn't it? I'm glad you're having a good time, but can you do it a bit more quietly? I'm having a really hard time hearing the actors. Thanks so much!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they look like little hooligans, I might offer them each a dollar to stop talking. I threaten to take the dollar back if they start up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In recalcitrant cases, I whip out my phone and call the theater with one ear to the phone and eyes and my other ear on the movie. When I manage to speak to a live person, I ask them to come and take care of it. If they don't, I'll watch the movie, but ask for a refund afterwards. Yeah, it's kind of petty, but it was far from their own definition of an ideal experience. I've never been refused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T02:57:25.953" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2494" CreationDate="2017-08-25T03:22:18.740" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I completely understand your problem. I'd say I've experienced worse in the form of parents being utterly uncaring of the people around them. I still haven't seen the second half of &lt;em&gt;Mamma Mia&lt;/em&gt; because of a mid-day screening I tried to go to with at a theater with only myself and a group of two women and four or five kids, two of which were playing with strobing light up toys in the aisles during the film. The only solution I had then was to leave and get my money refunded. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're right. Most theaters (unless they're scanning the audience on occasion for video recording devices) don't have staff checking in on the film and audience during the screening. So, what is a person who wants to enjoy a film in peace to do? First, there is (in most of the major chains I attend) a real movement towards respectful movie-watching. Many theaters have pre-show notices or videos telling the audience not to talk, or text and to turn off their phones during the screening. Hopefully, if this continues, these parents will realize that curbing their child's (loud) excited exclamations is appreciated by the audience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of solutions. I'm listing even ones you have set aside here for completeness... I like to put them in two categories because I find that, often, the solution is to avoid or try to minimize the chance of there being a problem at all rather than solving a problem that is already there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reactionary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can (potentially) disrupt the film further for the rest of the audience by attempting to get the parents to quiet down their kids. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can leave temporarily (risk missing part of the film) and ask management to address it, which has the same issue of disrupting the film, possibly worse than if you did it yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can leave the theater and ask for a refund, opting to see the movie another day/time. This has the risk of recurrence, though the &quot;proactive&quot; section below can limit that. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the theater's not too crowded you can move to a different seat. Depending on how loud the child is and how sensitive to this you are, YMMV.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tough it out and ask for a refund afterwards. Ask the theater to check in more often for disruptive audiences.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Proactive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are things that you can do to limit the chance of this happening. They aren't 100% and they require that you limit when/where you see films but if seeing the film with a chatty kid will ruin it for you, one of these may be your best solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find a theater that has fewer children attending. We have two theaters near us. One of them attracts lots of large families, the other doesn't. We stopped attending the theater with all the kids because of the example in my first paragraph. My movie-going experience has improved since then.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;See a screening at a time kids are less likely to be in the audience. After 8 on a Friday or Saturday or after 6 on a weekday. Yes, you have to pay more because these aren't matinee prices but many chains near me don't really do matinee pricing much any more, sometime only the first screening of the day.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find a theater chain that has staff in the theater at all times (or most of the time). Here in Austin we have the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alamo_Drafthouse_Cinema&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Alamo Drafthouse&lt;/a&gt;, which has table service in the theaters. They're not &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://drafthouse.com/markets&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;everywhere&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt; quite yet but they are awesome and expanding all over. Dinner and a show all in one go and the ticket price isn't marked up because they make tons of money on food. There are other similar chains that are around, too, like &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ipictheaters.com/#/locations&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;iPic&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope that, eventually, everyone will follow proper cinema etiquette and keep quiet in a theater but, until then, I hope that you can find some relief using these suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T03:29:46.503" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T03:29:46.503" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2494" CreationDate="2017-08-25T03:57:50.167" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they are at least 5+, hushing them with a loud &quot;Shhhhhh&quot; may do the trick.  You are directly addressing the issue instead of avoiding it, you are very mildly embarrassing the kids by calling them out to those around you (the kids themselves and the other audience members are very likely already cognizant of the kids' rudeness), and signals to the parents to keep their children under control, also embarrasing the parents mildly.  The kids are more likely to react to embarrasment than parents if the parents haven't already been acting on the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A counter action by them is likely to solicit additional reaction from those around you to aid in pressuring them into silence or getting them ejected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2921" LastEditorDisplayName="user2921" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T04:10:55.390" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T04:10:55.390" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2505" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2498" CreationDate="2017-08-25T04:08:00.500" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want a study that supports either using or not using them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Technicalities&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The technical term for this you're looking for is &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phatic_expression&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;phatic expression&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a phatic expression is communication which serves a social function such as small talk and social pleasantries&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but more specifically you're also looking for phatic expression(s) in an asynchronous form of computer mediated communication (CMC) in the workplace (I'm emphasizing the technical terms here, in-case anyone wants to do further reading on it) but for the sake of length, I'll only be summarising one paper written by Thomas Cho (reference below) in 2010.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cho, T. (2010). &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.languageatinternet.org/articles/2010/2728&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Linguistic Features of Electronic Mail in the Workplace: A Comparison with Memoranda&lt;/a&gt;. Language@Internet, 7, article 3.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;When do the subjects of the study use any phatic expression?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are different dynamics at play, but all-in-all phatic expression is advised within the workplace when you know you're interacting face to face with them outside of emails (couldn't find too much on gender specifics, though). The study also goes into emphasising that e-mail has more of an oral style to it, which further supports the use of any phatic expression(s).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, the higher frequencies of the majority of linguistic&#xA;features in email can be linked to the use of a more informal, ‘oral’&#xA;style. For example, contractions are more commonly found in less&#xA;formal varieties of spoken communication, such as personal&#xA;conversations, than in more formal varieties of written communication,&#xA;such as academic papers (Chafe &amp;amp; Danielewicz, 1987).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Within the results of the study, they reiterate how the subjects omitted greetings and leave-taking formulas, but overall the subjects kept the phatic formulas in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the numerous incentives for omission of formulas provided by the&#xA;email medium, it is surprising that formulas were omitted in only&#xA;about one-third of the messages.7 Greeting formulas were omitted on 66&#xA;occasions but included on 129 occasions. Leave-taking formulas were&#xA;omitted on 62 occasions but used on 133 occasions. Nor did the&#xA;inclusion of text from a previous message or forwarded text greatly&#xA;reduce the number of greeting formulas, with 42.37% of such messages&#xA;still including a greeting formula.8 In the present study, such&#xA;formulas clearly serve a phatic purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[ &lt;strong&gt;...&lt;/strong&gt; ]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The importance of phatic communication is particularly evident in the use of greeting and leave-taking formulas. While omission of these formulas occurred regularly, formulas were still used by all subjects, and formulas were included on more occasions than they were omitted. A variety of extended leave-taking formulas was also used. Clearly, linguistic economy was not the overriding concern in such usage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the subjects clearly wanted to fulfil a phatic purpose when communicating with the other subjects in the study, and this is why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ability to establish and maintain social contact through email is&#xA;in keeping with the cooperative nature of the Internet as an&#xA;environment that supports many communities of computer users. In the&#xA;context of a workplace—where addresser and addressee are more likely&#xA;to know each other—the need to maintain good social relations is high,&#xA;to the extent that social contact among workers is valued. The&#xA;majority of the email in the present study was directed to internal&#xA;staff members of the university and the majority of recipients were&#xA;known to subjects via face-to-face conversation. The frequent use of&#xA;greeting and leave-taking formulas in this study can be viewed as an&#xA;effort to maintain cooperative workplace relations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They want to maintain clear workplace relations with those they see face-to-face and will do so through such &amp;quot;pleasantries&amp;quot;, which an informal email would stem into their oral communication elsewhere in the building.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They then conclude the study with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The explanation proposed in this article is that email users seek to imitate spoken conversational style to express a friendly, casual orientation towards their addressees. They are especially motivated to do so in the workplace environment of the present study, in that their addressees are co-workers with whom they also interact face-to-face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Bottom Line&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's only natural to continue such phatic communication with those you work with. Everyone (myself included) would always want to maintain good work relations with my colleagues and if I need to continue to do so via email by making a good impression as I would a face to face conversation, so be it. I wouldn't say it's harmful to continue to use such pleasantries, just don't over do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T03:01:43.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2498" CreationDate="2017-08-25T07:08:29.343" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not an expert but I think it totally depends on who you are writing and who you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to have a friend once, who would almost only call if she needed something. Same goes for emails: People generally want something when they send you an email. especially if people see you like this, then starting pleasantries can be seen as blank space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting with pleasantries can feel like you are waiting for this person to ask you something but it also leaves you with a better option of answering this email if you can't. Instead of writing back: No I can't. You can write: I'm feeling good but I'm very busy, this is also the reason why I can't come, I already scheduled x.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to write effective emails I suggest you look at the research, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.boomeranggmail.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;company boomerang did&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do we write pleasantries? I think is the same as in spoken language, you first try to create a relationship with the person and you create a neutral ground for you to ask the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another great way to ask somebody to do something for you through email is to consider why you asked him and what his possible gain could be out of it. If you bring up just a task or responsibility, you can guess the answer but if there is something to gain from the other person we have something to consider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Back to pleasantries&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you can consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it was once a good friend and I would really like to catch up, mail them more than just: I'm fine' and ask to plan a date. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it's somebody random you used to know, it might still be good to it a little but don't overdo it, people know you sent them an email to get something from you. Be polite and don't try to manipulate or force anyone. (make it look like a win win situation)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't ask 'how are you doing?' I'm fine. But be original to show you really care about this person trying to find a creative pleasantry.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is probably no solid research, except for research that can say: from this day and age xx% of people find pleasantries annoying. A smart person might faster abstract it as a pleasantry while a less intellectual might take it as general interest.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T17:57:57.227" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T17:57:57.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2463" CreationDate="2017-08-25T07:11:41.207" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps I'm going against the norm, and I can be considered blunt when giving an opinion, but I usually say this to almost every food that I prefer not to eat again (even when eating in a restaurant and trying a new meal, &lt;em&gt;not necessarily cooked by the asker&lt;/em&gt;):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(with a pity smile or small laugh)&lt;/em&gt; It's an interesting meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to say &quot;interesting meal&quot; whether it's a &quot;just okay&quot; meal, or it does have a really weird taste for me. By saying this, I don't give the impression that the food is good/bad explicitly. However, based on my experience, the asker will usually become more curious when they hear &quot;interesting meal&quot;, so when they ask me further about that, then I'd just describe the taste in a neutral way (avoid superlative/exaggeration), e.g.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(when eating pineapple fried rice) It's sweet! It's the first time I have a really sweet fried rice. I usually have a very spicy fried rice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If in the end they still force you by asking if you like the meal or not, then say it honestly,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the meal, but I'm afraid it doesn't suit my taste/I'm not used to such meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conclusion is: everyone has their own taste, so there's no right or wrong when a meal is unsuitable to someone's preference. The next thing is to give a hint of your food preference but at the same time not hurting their effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I usually don't give suggestion to someone who is not really close to me, that I can be certain that I won't hurt their feeling instead. Additionally, I can't cook! I try hard not to give suggestion when I can't do it myself.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="152" LastEditorUserId="152" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T07:16:44.753" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T07:16:44.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2380" CreationDate="2017-08-25T11:05:04.010" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Particularly in multilingual environment can it be useful to optimize your empty time, while you also train your mind. The best if the talk isn't going in your native language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Game #1:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find interesting words in the chat with multiple meanings. If you found, then you have two steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Step to different language, while you translate the word into that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Step to a different language, while the word remains, &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; it has a different meaning on that language.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many cases, there are multiple equivalents, from which you can construct a directed graph.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal is to construct the possible largest directed graph of the steps. It is a bonus win if you can find your way back to your initiating word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;werden (german) -&gt; will be (english), to become (english)&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;will (german) -&gt; to want (english)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wille (german) -&gt; wish, urge, will (english)&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ürge (hungarian) -&gt; Ziesel (german), Spermophilus (english)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;bekommen (german) -&gt; to get&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get (hebrew) -&gt; document (english)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This game goes much better between similar languages, and if at least one of them is your native one. Although between foreign languages or between very different languages, you can find quite surprising and funny conversions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This game has the disadvantage, that after some steps, it distracts much better your thoughts from the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Game #2:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternativelly: find a complex grammatical structure on one of the languages, and mirror-translate it into another. Best if the target language is your native one, because so you can feel, how awkwardly it sounds. This game is more dangerous, because if you start to smile, they will know, that you aren't there. However, you can also follow the topic, if you try to select the tricky structure from the sayings of the others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Game #3:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen the sayings of others carefully. But not with the goal to actively track it (if you would have this intent, you hadn't posted this question). Do it to find interesting grammatical structures. Particularly native speakers of any language can (and do) always construct such sentences, whose grammatical structure simply isn't explained in any language course. Or... mostly, it is, but it is surprisingly non-trivial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Analyze the group, who creates the most of the such structures. And, which rare grammatical structures is (s)he using.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also look for sentences as they are saying things which is a common mistake, but even native speakers often do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On this way, you look continuously concentrating on the topic, while nobody knows, that your spirit is in a different Universe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2998" LastEditorUserId="2998" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T13:43:25.703" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T13:43:25.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2513" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2463" CreationDate="2017-08-25T11:16:26.310" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll give this an answer from my point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd just start with &quot;It was a good try. Not too bad at all, but you need some practice before I start showering you with praise.&quot; and I'd do it as light-heartedly as possible and I'd also do it jokingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, unless they ask what they could do to improve it, I wouldn't comment on the foods at all. If they ask, I'd tell them what they could do to improve the food if I can tell them at all. If not, then I'd say I'm not sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course this all assumes the base food is something that I'd like. If they made broccoli for example, I'd just plainly say &quot;I really don't like broccoli and I don't think it'll ever change, so I wasn't able to really tell it apart.&quot; and not comment further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never seen anyone get their feelings hurt by the comments I've made, so I'll keep assuming they're fine until someone does get hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2169" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T11:16:26.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2514" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2488" CreationDate="2017-08-25T11:19:28.560" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask him to be more clear, always in a polite way of course. You can't start doing a work without knowing if that is what your boss wants. Before you start you should know exactly what you need to do. It also depends on how big the work is, but I think that generally asking for clarification is never a bad idea. You could go with something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hello Bob, from your answer I couldn't understand what you want me to&#xA;  do; I have 2 options, X and Y, could you please be more clear about&#xA;  which one you want me to use?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't think he will read that as offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T11:24:54.997" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T11:24:54.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2463" CreationDate="2017-08-25T11:35:37.023" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why has anyone not mentioned...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You Lie&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what they were made for. Tell a falsehood, the opposite of the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smile while doing it. It is quite easy. If you are uncomfortable with that because of personal ethics, make it a lie of omission, or answer the unanswered question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I had a great time, thank you very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We really appreciate you taking your time to cook for us! Thank you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lies are the glue that holds society together, and the oil that keeps the machine running. Start learning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4224" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T11:41:06.490" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T11:41:06.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2516" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2518" CreationDate="2017-08-25T11:37:55.557" Score="51" ViewCount="11248" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend is studying both math and Computer Science (CS) at the best university in Poland, which is literally the hardest way to get through university. The acceptance policy says that they only accept Olympiad winners and finalists, and even they usually drop one of the majors after a year.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's very smart and hardworking, so she manages to pass most of the classes, but she still has to retake one subject in September. However, every time this is brought up during a conversation with her family, people start saying that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, it isn't that bad, I studied that and this and still had plenty of time and good grades.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They can't understand that it's not possible to find time to learn all the math during the year if you have all the programming projects to do. I tried telling her not to be bothered by their remarks, but it's hurting her and she can't do anything about it. They don't seem to see the difference between a hard major, like they might have had, and literally the hardest major in the country. And, mind, it's only people who have long since graduated, as all of our peers understand the situation completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should she tell them that it's &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; hard, and a &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; bigger deal than what they think?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4221" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T14:25:28.423" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:42:20.317" Title="How to tell family members that they should not downplay your major?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;poland&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-25T11:50:25.587" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that she should just have a serious talk about it with her family members. They probably don't realize the stress she is going through, and don't realize that those comments are hurting her. I think she should be honest about her feelings with them (I know, easier said than done) and everything should eventually fix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT for OP comment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a really bad situation then. I am no one to judge someone's parenting, but dismissing your child when she/he is trying to talk to you about a problem is definitely not good. She could try to speak to another family member that might talk to her mother and help her realize the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T12:57:39.733" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T12:57:39.733" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-25T12:25:21.210" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since they dismiss her opinion, the idea is basically to bring in external data to support her case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Use facts or statistics&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gather as many statistics as possible about the course and throw one of these at them in every time they downplay the difficulty. If they feel like arguing, hit them with more statistics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're specifically looking to compare these numbers to similar statistics for other degrees or universities, because some percentage doesn't mean that much by itself (especially since their argument seems to be comparing the difficulty of what they did to what she's doing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Percentage of students completing the first year.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Percentage of students completing the degree.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Percentage of students completing the degree with honours.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Surveys about the difficulty of the course (ideally compared to other courses).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Expected total number of hours you need to study per week (some institutes provide this information).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Similar statistics for the university as a whole.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What their acceptance policy is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, it isn't that bad.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;The X% of students who drop out in the first year might disagree with you on that.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know that much about double majors, but you can presumably use statistics from the individual majors as well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A mere X% of students who register end up getting their Computer Science degree (compared to the Y% average for this university / all universities), and this is that, plus all the additional subjects needed to get the Math degree as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Get an external opinion&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you can convince a teacher to speak to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, some quotes from a teacher or someone well-known could serve roughly the same purpose, ideally appearing on a website somewhere, but you can also consider a quote that's been communicated one-on-one (although it's more likely they'll be dismissive of that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although being so dismissive is really toxic, so I wouldn't be too surprised if this doesn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it doesn't work, she might just have to accept that she'll never get sympathy or understanding there and try to avoid opening up to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T16:24:18.300" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2519" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2488" CreationDate="2017-08-25T12:26:11.487" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your boss wants to give you the answer but made a mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could pretend they were just commenting on the quality of the ideas.&#xA;&quot;I'm glad you like my suggestions. Which one, x or y, do you think is the best?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you send them that, then if they didn't read your question they will not notice that you could be implying they didn't read it. If they did read your question but absent-mindedly answered it like that, then they probably won't be particularly fazed, because it's their own fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4228" LastEditorDisplayName="user4228" LastEditDate="2019-10-08T03:27:10.030" LastActivityDate="2019-10-08T03:27:10.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-08-25T12:31:47.120" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;All the answers so far are very good and can give you a course of action to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I would like to point out the importance to discuss this again with your partner. To me, his reaction was somewhat apathetic to a matter that really caused you to be very uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He needs to understand the severity of what happened. Aware of that he can change his action in the future. Change to what kind of action, you may ask? To take the lead and confront Bob, or whoever be, himself instead of telling you to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4225" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T12:33:39.753" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T12:33:39.753" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2522" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2472" CreationDate="2017-08-25T12:55:36.980" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should try to understand if your conversation partner has actually a good reason for talking bad about a country. Sometimes it's not wrong, he/she might disagree with a decision taken by the government or simply dislike an aspect of the country's culture (which is absolutely fine, not necessarily racism). Of course, there are many ways you can say something. If he/she is supporting her/his idea with facts and in a respectful way, then I see no problem. If he/she is just mindlessly insulting a country, you should ask her/him to explain better. By asking the right question, your conversation partner will eventually realize they are in the wrong, or just not thinking enough. You won't risk arguing with them as long as you stay respectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastEditorUserId="21535" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T08:10:41.217" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T08:10:41.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2523" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16" CreationDate="2017-08-25T12:57:47.353" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an autistic friend who just can't hear or see the difference. So if I tell her a joke I have to preface it with &quot;Here's a joke&quot; or &quot;I could be sarcastic and say...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only know to do this because she told me. So say to your mates, I don't always get the sarcasm, can you flag it for me, otherwise I miss the joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me, I miss a lot of sarcasm too, because I take everything very literally. Then if everyone's laughing I have to say, you were being sarcastic, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T12:57:47.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-25T13:03:37.983" Score="34" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You don't.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*NOTE: this is coming from a US perspective, cultural norms may differ in Poland. YMMV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is your &lt;em&gt;girlfriend&lt;/em&gt;. Even if she were your wife, interfering in her family's internal dynamics is courting disaster. In other words it's the nuclear option: you only do that when all other avenues have failed. In particular, with something as temporary and transient as university performance, bide your time. Once she's successfully graduated and in the workforce her family will probably move on and if they don't you can cross that bridge when you get there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just continue to be supportive in a way that makes it clear that you disagree with her parents but aren't trying to drive a wedge between her and them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4233" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T13:03:37.983" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2525" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2532" CreationDate="2017-08-25T13:37:56.087" Score="35" ViewCount="13293" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friends and I decided to buy a birthday present for a person. This friend, let's call him Bob, couldn't come with us to buy the actual present, so he asked me if I could pay for him, assuring me that he would give me the money back as soon as he saw me again. Since the amount of money we had to spend individually wasn't too high I decided to accept his request (also considering that I know him well and always trusted him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He had some personal problems so he couldn't come to the birthday dinner during which we gave our friend the present and now thinks that it is a good reason to not give me the money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to tell him that he is wrong, but he doesn't care and still refuses to give me the money. Now, I don't want to give up on this since he is clearly wrong, but I don't know how to confront or convince him well. Any idea?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T03:24:51.250" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T10:24:13.467" Title="How to confront friend who won't give back borrowed money?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-25T13:57:01.517" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It doesn't  matter how hard the studies are objectively.&lt;/strong&gt; Whether she competes on the level of college students or professors, it is hard enough for her, and she's still doing a great job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I think matters to your girlfriend is that her parents &lt;em&gt;acknowledge and appreciate&lt;/em&gt; the hard work she's putting in; she's not arguing about the level of difficulty per se.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be different reasons why she (and you) want(s) her parents to understand. Perhaps she might feel &lt;em&gt;overwhelmed&lt;/em&gt; with her studies at the moment and could use some moral support; or she feels &lt;em&gt;inadequate&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;belittled&lt;/em&gt; when she hears her parents say that her work isn't as hard as she finds it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest to your girlfriend to &lt;strong&gt;tell her parents exactly how she feels&lt;/strong&gt; when she hears them talk like that &lt;strong&gt;and what she would like them to do&lt;/strong&gt; (or not to do). It sounds simple -- but has she actually tried to explain what she needs or has she only tried to 'prove' with 'facts' how hard she studies?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an afterthought: Some people have a habit of downplaying whatever negative emotions and challenges you tell them about. They say something like &quot;Don't be sad, everything's fine&quot; when all you want to hear is &quot;Sorry, this must be so sad.&quot; I think this is often because they are helpless and hope they can talk you out of (rationalize) a bad feeling, although what you would actually need is acknowledgement and empathy. Perhaps it's the same in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T21:02:43.027" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T21:02:43.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2527" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="775" CreationDate="2017-08-25T14:42:56.140" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I don't understand is if this person has physically harassed you or others or he is doing that only verbally.&#xA;If of course the former is true, all suggestions so far are helpful.&#xA;If though the latter is, I think escalating the issue to the point where you would &quot;keep logs&quot; and &quot;watch the train from a distance&quot; and so on will only make it worse for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, people with disabilities like him are only seeking some attention. If he is only talking loudly and so on, maybe you know... some small talk, some simple conversation will relax him and maybe make him a bit of a better person too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've met quite some people like that and always found it easier to very calmly talk to them rather than panic and being scared (unless of course, as I already said, there is physical violence involved)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4238" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T15:39:20.467" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T15:39:20.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2528" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-25T15:07:42.483" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see two points here : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Trust: by not paying back the money he betrayed your trust, that's what you need to tell him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Selfishness or the excuse of &quot;I wasn't here&quot;, you don't buy a gift for a birthday people to get free access to drink and a party, you buy it because you want to give him something nice for his birthday, even if you cannot attend. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is quite a selfish behaviour. Note that this is different than not paying for the gift at all (&quot;I will be there I won't buy you one, don't buy me one either at my birthday I am not into it&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would definitely face your friends on the first point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the second point, I would reconsider what I remember of my friend to see if I can really see him as a selfish people that only do something with interest, especially when there is money involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you deduced that he's quite selfish, you may need to shake your friendship to get your money back, and don't involve any more money with him &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you still trust him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1794" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T07:27:56.550" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T07:27:56.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-25T15:16:14.233" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to write this off and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &quot;good friend&quot; has shown he cannot be trusted. Since it was a &quot;small amount&quot;, chalk this up as the cost of a lesson, never lend money to this person again, and (probably) move him down a few steps on your friendship ladder - if you don't decide to write off the friendship as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3967" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T15:16:14.233" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2531" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-25T15:53:23.943" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you considered that these family members and others are possibly trying to help her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe they &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; see the amount of stress that's involved, and are trying to relieve some of that stress by trying to take away it's source. Needing to retake the subject sounds like a serious issue to your girlfriend, and others are trying to convince her that it isn't that big, hoping that would lessen the stress. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case the best way forward IMO is to tell these people that their efforts to help her are actually making it worse. They could be unaware of that, and will react very different once they know that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So she could tell them this and take it from there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: I'm not saying this &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; the case, but consider the possibility. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4247" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T15:53:23.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2532" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-25T17:02:57.733" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;The advice to write it off is good. I'd rather frame it differently, though. I would consider &quot;forgiving the loan&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In writing it off, you sustain a net loss. We might be mincing words, but in &lt;em&gt;forgiving the loan&lt;/em&gt;, it's a net gain, because you have displayed a degree of generosity in the process, and generosity is a much better feeling than resentment. If you do choose that route, you can remain friends with the person; you don't need an apology, and things will not be awkward between the two of you. Just tell him something to the effect of, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, that loan? Forget about it. It's in the past, and we don't need to bring it up or argue about who's right and who's wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned quite some time ago &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to lend money. It just leads to awkwardness at best, to ruined friendships at worst. If someone asks me for a loan, I tell them I'll think about it. If it's for a good cause (I don't discuss that with them), I'll write them a check, and explain that it's a gift, not a loan, and they should consider &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pay_it_forward&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;paying it forward&lt;/a&gt; when they are in a position to do so. It's like sending goodwill off into the cosmos, come what may. It spreads gratitude and kindness to others, instead of awkwardness and disappointment between you and the borrower.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If money is tight, or you don't want to &quot;lend&quot; someone money, just say no. It's your money, and you're under no obligation to part with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dealing with an inveterate mooch is a different question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T17:02:57.733" CommentCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2534" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2600" CreationDate="2017-08-25T17:42:41.020" Score="11" ViewCount="738" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have mild developmental &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosopagnosia&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;prosopagnosia&lt;/a&gt;.  It is very difficult for me to recognize people, particularly if I have not seen them in a while, or if they're in a context I'm not expecting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I have enough time (sometimes up to 10 minutes), I can usually figure out who they are, although I rely heavily on contextual cues for this (hair; clothing style; distinguishing marks such as tattoos, scars, or skin blemishes; body type; etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On occasion, I will run into someone who appears to recognize me, but I have no clue who they are.  Very rarely, it turns out they mistook me for someone else.  Much more frequently I know them, but it is out of context and I don't recognize them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this happens, I usually try to act like I recognize them, but I fear it is not always convincing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, is there a tactful way to explain that I have trouble recognizing faces without seeming rude, or weird?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T20:30:17.743" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T20:30:17.743" Title="Tactful way to explain that I have trouble recognizing faces?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2535" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-25T17:54:04.063" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everyone experiences doubts and dismissals from older family members sometimes.  Part of becoming a successful adult is learning not to be too deeply affected by those.  In the larger picture, it doesn't matter at all for your girlfriend's future even if her family &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; understands.  In a very real sense, they are her past.  &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; are her present (and possibly her future) and you understand and are supportive.  No potential employer will call her uncle and ask if she worked hard enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also a part of the modern condition that technology changes so fast that the older generation is quite literally unable to understand its demands unless they are in that line of work themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest your girlfriend let it fall off her back, or gently turn it around --after all, they probably experienced similar doubts from their family members when they were young. &lt;em&gt;&quot;I studied that and this and still had plenty of time and good grades.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  &quot;That's not what Aunt Janet tells me, ha ha!&quot; or &quot;Plenty of time for drinking, you mean!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T17:54:04.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2536" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2561" CreationDate="2017-08-25T18:15:10.210" Score="9" ViewCount="1460" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have one friend that always borrows money. He has been one of my closest friends for most of my life, and normally he's pretty trustworthy when it comes to paying me back. However, as of late, he has been letting his debt to me rack up. I understand his financial circumstances and I am not in any rush for him to pay me back, so I let it slide for several months. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, his behavior has changed, as if he prioritizes paying others back over me. The tipping point was last weekend, where he asked another friend to buy some limited edition merchandise for him. He didn't hesitate to offer to pay the other friend back as soon as he got his paycheck, leaving me in the dirt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have I been too nice? How do I let him know of his actions and that I expect him to pay me back soon, now that I know he has the financial means to do so?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2483" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T05:31:26.083" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T14:10:09.723" Title="How to ask a friend to repay me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2539" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2577" CreationDate="2017-08-25T18:50:06.040" Score="34" ViewCount="11147" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(Some similarities to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2426/what-to-do-if-my-family-keeps-trying-to-fix-my-relationship-with-a-family-member&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt;, except that I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; explained, and my family is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; on my side.)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been avoiding / ignoring my sister for the past ~6 months, after she seriously hurt me. &lt;em&gt;I am not ready to forgive her.&lt;/em&gt; What she did was the sort of move that people end best friendships over; if she was not related to me, I would have cut her out of my life immediately and never looked back. She has shown no remorse and made no attempts to apologize, although she has sent me trivial texts (e.g. &quot;Happy national ice cream day!&quot;) now and again. For context, we are both mid-20's, living independently from our parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents know why I was hurt and the sort of feelings the situation brings up (including physical symptoms, loss of appetite, insomnia, nightmares, to give you an idea of the intensity), but have taken her side and are pressuring me to make up with her anyways. They have a variety of tactics:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It makes your mother so sad to think of her family never having a big happy get-together again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're being selfish, your sister's choice made her happy, don't you want her to be happy?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Well, I can see why what she did hurt you, but you shouldn't have done XYZ in the first place&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's been months/years, this is how things are now, you need to accept that&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's reached out with those texts and you're not even giving her a chance, so the rift is really your fault now&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;But she's your only sister, you don't want to end up like [estranged extended family member], do you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It must be &lt;em&gt;exhausting&lt;/em&gt; holding on to all that anger for so long, I can't even imagine..&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;FWIW there is a religious component; I stopped following my parents' religion a few years ago whereas she is still devout. It is true that this situation would not have hurt me as badly if I had followed their religious tenets, but to any secular observer I did nothing &quot;wrong&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps some months or years from now I will be able to forgive her, but my parents pressuring me will not speed it up. In the meantime, I'm at a loss of what to do the next time they bring up the subject. I don't want to argue or reveal yet more personal background, I don't want to let my sister sweep this under the rug, I don't want to reach out to her. (Why should that be my responsibility? I don't want a relationship with someone who would do this and doesn't think they need to even clear the air.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I tell them? How do I respond when they try to get me to go to family events with her? Do I just have to accept they will view me as the bad guy for not accepting her &quot;compromise&quot; of sweeping it under the rug?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family is from Midwest USA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T03:24:31.077" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T22:03:52.407" Title="How to stop family from pushing me to forgive and forget?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2541" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2545" CreationDate="2017-08-25T18:59:33.417" Score="44" ViewCount="8890" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 14-year-old Egyptian Muslim currently living with my parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I try to keep my room's door closed, my parents are always like &quot;Why close it?&quot; and when I reply &quot;I want some privacy&quot; they reply &quot;You are doing something bad that you want to hide.&quot; I normally open music and surf the web like seeing the Stack Exchange sites' questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convince my parents to respect my privacy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T14:49:31.717" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T16:54:22.773" Title="How can I convince my parents to respect my privacy?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;egypt&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2542" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2550" CreationDate="2017-08-25T19:04:13.583" Score="21" ViewCount="1663" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a fairly quiet person and during conversations, I quite frequently am cut off by people that I'm talking with (This happens in more than just one group). I find it very irritating because I usually forget what I was going to say, or it is no longer relevant by the time I get a chance to speak. What are some polite ways to assert myself in a situation such as this, without coming across as pushy or self centered? This happens in both professional and personal settings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: When I was younger I was told quite frequently to 'speak up' which I make sure to do now, I do not believe this is a volume issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4256" LastEditorUserId="4256" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T12:37:53.650" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T12:37:53.650" Title="Being talked over in conversations" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2543" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2541" CreationDate="2017-08-25T19:10:27.300" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would tell them that everyone has a right to respect reasonable privacy. Curtains and fences might &quot;hide&quot; people and their actions, but we don't demand that people tear them down because we are afraid they are doing something wrong. You can use this analogy to explain to them how boundaries and privacy, when appropriately executed, build, rather than destroy, trust. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4259" LastEditorUserId="4259" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T19:57:28.033" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T19:57:28.033" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2017-08-25T19:21:24.660" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not wanting to forgive her (yet) and avoiding her are 2 different things. But I understand this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer for the other question you linked I think are still valuable but I'll try to add some more things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What would she need to do to be forgiven&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might sound like a stupid question, but what would she need to do to be forgiven? Would she simply have to say sorry and it would be over? Knowing this and giving this practical option to your family and sister might make it easier for her to take the first step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Bring across your message&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might just still be they don't fully realize where you are and how you are still feeling. Writing a letter will help you to process it and for them to emphasis it. Think of the following points&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The hurt from your sister is still real.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Family is already broken apart (especially for religious people it is good to know that their life is not perfect, to break religion and get out the basis behind their faith).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has not asked for forgiveness yet and she will have to take the first step.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You blame your parents for still blaming it on you.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This also hurts you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Not forgiving ≠ Avoiding&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it is understandable that she hurt you and you don't want to talk to her, avoiding her at all cost based on this, is only hurting you more. Not going to family occasions because she is there or other things (it might be a good excuse not to go to family boring occasions but that to the side).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Get over&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever it was she broke your relationship, or spilled a big secret. Try to leave it in the past as something that happened in the past. Don't let it influence you in the future. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let this be ruined, enjoy it as much you can :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All I can say is that it's probably best for you to start forgiving her, as it will set you free. By forgiving her you are conquering yourself to no longer be influenced by your sister. But I can easily say that not being in your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to wish you best of luck and and to add one more thing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Include an external party&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everybody always says get a therapist but in my life it was always friends who helped me out. The nice thing about friends is that they are on your side (so it's quite safe) but they can tell you when you are over doing something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastEditorUserId="3752" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T20:42:52.733" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T20:42:52.733" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2541" CreationDate="2017-08-25T19:38:40.987" Score="32" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Show them that you have nothing to hide.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems like it might be an issue of trust - or a lack thereof - between your parents and you. To be honest, their feelings are understandable. Families try to be open with one another, especially in the case of parents and children. When someone does something in what appears to be an attempt to shut themselves off from those they love, a little backlash is not unreasonable. (I recommend looking at &lt;a href=&quot;https://parenting.stackexchange.com/q/26311/27638&quot;&gt;Too much computer?&lt;/a&gt; on Parenting Stack Exchange to see how your parents might be thinking.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, acknowledge that their concerns aren't fully unreasonable. I think I've said this here before, but in most disputes, the other party will be more agreeable if you let them know that you're not blindly disagreeing with them - because it appears that you are, in fact, disagreeing with them. I've had fights with my parents that probably could have been avoided if it was clear that each of us understood to a certain degree what the other was saying - we just disagreed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, be open with them about what you were doing. I was a bit secretive of my activities when I first participated in Stack Exchange, in part because I had never even used social media before, let alone a question and answer site like this! I wasn't sure how much my parents would approve of my use of it. So I made the decision to hide it - not lying, but not keeping them informed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then the tsunami broke when my mom looked over my shoulder, and immediately got suspicious. Fortunately, I made what I think is your best choice: &lt;strong&gt;I was open about what I was doing&lt;/strong&gt;. In particular, I did the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I explained what Stack Exchange was and how it worked.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I explained why I used it, and the benefits it had for me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I reassured her that it was not interfering with other aspects of my life (such as homework).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was honest, sincere, and completely open with my parents. I didn't hide &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt;, and they quickly understood that it made sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a similar case, and frankly, I think that's a good thing. You're not doing anything wrong; all you have to do is show them. Don't be afraid of doing so. You'll build trust, and in the long run, I think they'll respect your privacy quite a bit more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The conversation itself&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like the typical conversation goes like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Parents:&lt;/strong&gt; Why close your door?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I want some privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Parents:&lt;/strong&gt; You are doing something bad that you want to hide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the point at which you quite literally prove them wrong. Here's a possible extension:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I know that what I'm doing looks suspicious, and I understand your concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Parents:&lt;/strong&gt; It looks &lt;em&gt;incredibly&lt;/em&gt; suspicious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Well, here's what I'm doing. There this site called Stack Exchange. It's a question and answer site that covers a range of different topics. By participating, I'm helping people around the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Continue conversation as you wish.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As NVZ pointed out, there's still the possibility of your parents further pushing the issue, i.e. saying &amp;quot;Why were you closing the door if you're doing something helpful?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, talking about privacy is a much better tactic. Bringing it up early in the discussion seems like a shield; it doesn't give that great a reason for you to have essentially hidden from your parents. They had no good reason to believe that you &lt;em&gt;weren't&lt;/em&gt; doing something wrong, and that's probably why things have gone as poorly as they have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you've now demonstrated what you've been doing, and talking about privacy no longer seems like just an excuse. It's a very reasonable justification, and I think they'll be more receptive to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; one other thing I forgot: You're 14.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you've probably heard this all before, but you're in a phase where you're growing up. At the same time, you're still your parents' son; they are still (legally and morally) responsible for your safety and well-being. To fully care for you and guide you down the weird and challenging road of life, they do need to know what you're doing most of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're a young adult, not a full adult, and you're working your way towards independence. That doesn't mean that you can hide everything from them, and it doesn't mean that they get to know everything you're doing. There's a middle ground to be struck, and everyone in the situation has to understand that. For the sake of resolving this issue and future ones, I hope you'll bear this in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T20:55:10.700" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2542" CreationDate="2017-08-25T19:47:34.150" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, people might not realize. Really the only way to let people know is to confront them, and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, can I finish my story?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or nicer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you didn't let me finish&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is good to realize that not letting someone finish in a conversation is also normal and you can often just drop your thought if it is not relevant anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If in a conversation someone cuts you off 3 times it's high time to tell this person you weren't finished. But before that, I would suggest just letting it go. Everybody has it all the time that they want to say something but the moment has passed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;based on comment: Make sure to know your goal is not to fight. If somebody jumps in defense and bites at you just let it go, other people in the group will know you were right and should defend you if they dare. If not don't answer, you brought your message across, just go away and talk with him/her in person later (if you dare or just see if the message came across).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are doing the person a favor in the end. He might do the same to his partner/family/friends the earlier he knows his behavior the better for himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Professional environment&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for professional environment. if it's your colleagues I would say use the same treatment. If it's your boss. Try and plan a yearly performance/feedback meeting with your boss and drop this as feedback towards him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel like you often don't let me finish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you have an example if he wants an explanation. (and make sure to add tons of compliments around the feedback)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For close friends I would take the same approach as for a boss: speak with him in person and give the feedback. Also if you don't want to hurt/humiliation someone, take this person on the side and give him the feedback privately&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T05:40:02.213" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T05:40:02.213" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2547" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-25T19:49:30.047" Score="2" ViewCount="258" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am &quot;working&quot; in the local library team (about 20 members). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know why but it is very difficult for me to remember the names of the other members, even though I know some of them for more than 6 years now. We don't meet very often (every two months) and it is a big problem for me to remember their names when I meet them, especially in private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I learn to remember their names?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: I know there is another question but it's not difficult for me to remember faces/names.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4263" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T06:23:28.827" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T06:23:28.827" Title="How to remember names?" Tags="&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-01-29T16:32:42.743" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2017-08-25T20:03:51.030" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Expanding a bit on what Joel said as his first point, it would be pretty useful to figure out what, if anything do you want your sister to do to help repair the rift. If nothing else it at least gives you a convenient response to most of the above statements&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;S: &quot;I wish we could have a happy family dinner&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;R: &quot;Get her to do X and maybe we could have it&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;S: &quot;She reached out with texts&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;R: &quot;When she reaches out with action by doing X the healing can begin&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;S: &quot;This is the way things are, you need to accept it&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;R: &quot;I'll accept it after she does X until then the way things are is that I don't talk to her and YOU need to accept THAT&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so on. But ideally, it would be something meaningful that if done would genuinely reassure you that she won't do similar infractions in the future, at the very least&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T20:31:26.460" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T20:31:26.460" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2547" CreationDate="2017-08-25T20:05:18.687" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A variety of ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Find an excuse to see them more often.&lt;/strong&gt; Grab lunch/dinner/coffee together. Host a workplace social (a potluck, for example). Pop in an say &quot;hi&quot; at random times (assuming they work nearby).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take a picture of them.&lt;/strong&gt; I had a professor once who asked everyone to hold a flashcard with their name on it. He took a picture of each of us, then used the pictures to study our names. A less obtrusive/obvious version of this might involve creating a &quot;wall of workers/volunteers&quot; somewhere in the library, with everyone holding their favorite book. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Use name badges/placards.&lt;/strong&gt; If the group as a whole doesn't meet that often, you probably aren't the only person with this issue. Consider having &quot;Hi, my name is...&quot; badges at every meeting. Or name placards (whichever is easier).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Fake it 'til you make it.&lt;/strong&gt; Not a great solution, but when all else fails -- improvise conversation until someone else mentions their name.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2772" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T20:05:18.687" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2542" CreationDate="2017-08-25T20:07:36.990" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are some polite ways to assert myself in a situation such as this, without coming across as pushy or self centered?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This depends a bit on what you consider pushy or self-centered. Sometimes, especially in informal or animated conversations, it's push or be pushed! Some people are more confident than others and take the floor more frequently. A few people are rude. If you're considerate and reserved,  &quot;pushing&quot; to be heard will feel like you're &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.succeedsocially.com/talkedover&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;sinking to their level&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being talked over is so significant a problem that in some discussion groups, people have a limited number of tokens representing minutes they can talk. That way everyone gets a chance to speak uninterrupted by the more eager-to-share or dominant members. It's frustrating and discouraging, but like many things, it's most likely not about you (so please don't take it personally.) It's more likely to be &quot;about&quot; the other participants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's good that your voice is strong. That's a big hurdle you overcame. I would suggest you pick a few phrases that you can say quickly (slower, more deliberate speakers risk being talked over more often unless they rank high in the hierarchy) as soon as you pitch in, perhaps,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to say something here.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Here's a thought... &#xA;  One option worth considering...&#xA;  What about this?...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone cuts you off, be polite but confident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Give me a minute here.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Hold on, let me finish my thought.&#xA;  Just a second, please.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is being rude, you can repeat a variation on the above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Group dynamics are tricky. Groups can have different standards (very polite and formal to excited, competitive, and rowdy) and you may need to match what you see to be heard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;The Harvard Business Review has a lot of helpful articles devoted to just this thing: breaking into a conversation gracefully, holding your own, etc.&lt;/sub&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://hbr.org/2010/11/how-to-interject-in-a-meeting?referral=03759&amp;amp;cm_vc=rr_item_page.bottom&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to Interject in a Meeting&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T20:12:59.757" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T20:12:59.757" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-25T20:32:48.997" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sometimes an attack is the best defense.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this answer is derived from personal experience, though thankfully not with family members. (I didn't attend one of the best universities in my country either, but it was definitely a hard and time consuming course.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Upon receiving a dismissive remark, she should right out tell the person making the remark that they have no clue. Don't use swear words, but be very direct. Look at them while you say it (cliche, but it helps). She should also ask them how many people they know that are going through her (or similar) current programme(s). The answer will be zero. Always. Some people will have the decency to get slightly embarrassed at this point. With these people she should give them a semi-smug look, shrug and change the topic. With people who still don't get the hint, she should reiterate your point: &quot;I really don't think you have any relevant experience here.&quot; and walk away &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt;. Pretend to go to the toilet if there is no other way out, but leave the dinner table if you have to. If the person gets angry and starts mocking her (e.g. &quot;What a snowflake!&quot;) and she cannot avoid the person physically (sitting at the dinner table/in a car etc), she should answer as often as it takes: &quot;I've had enough, you are boring.&quot; Do not try and refute any secondary attacks. Boring is a really good word to use here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her mother is causing her extra stress (I assume she has to live at home ?), she should tell her mother than she's not helping and otherwise avoid her as much as she can (&quot;Mother, I need to prepare for my exam. I'll be in the library/at my lovely boyfriend's/the park.&quot;) Do not engage. The goal is not to make her mother understand - though oddly enough, this might actually help as some people respond a lot better to actions than words - the goal is to make sure that other people's preconceptions/prejudices/whatevers are &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; problem and &lt;em&gt;not hers&lt;/em&gt;. I once spend a skiing holiday with my nose in a quantum mechanics book instead of on the slopes. While not being too well received at the time, it did drive the point home in the long run.  (I barely scraped trough the exam, in case you are wondering.) &#xA;And, I realize you didn't ask, but what could you do to help ? If you witness any of this, immediately also respond with the &quot;you have no clue&quot; line of answers. Don't worry about being the rude son-in-law and/or trying to use facts. You can't win here, but you can minimize damage to your girlfriend.&#xA;Keep telling your girlfriend she's awesome and that these other people have no clue and it is not her job to make them understand. You might want to emphasize that last point. &#xA;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3320" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T20:32:48.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-25T20:32:54.927" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;One way to frame the topic, is to point out he doesn't owe birthday-person, he owes &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; - so his non-appearance at the party doesn't do anything for you, it doesn't balance the debt owed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's not owing money because of the birthday person or the party or even the present, he owes it because he opened his mouth and said he would pay you back - very specifically, he had the option to say no, and did not.  He had the option of letting you know his willingness to chip in for the gift was dependent on his attendance at the party (why?!), which might have let you know to pick a different gift, or have people chip in the rest, or pay the rest &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; the deception, whatever you would choose if you knew you were going to be short by that amount.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even letting you know he decided he didn't want to pay you back, &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; he decided to skip the party (and not afterwards) would have been more honorable, since it would involve him standing by his decision and willing to endure awkward conversation for his greed.  Though, yanno, not much more honorable, since he was still stiffing someone who had nothing to do with his decisions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he had bought the present himself, he would have a very hard time arguing with the store or credit card that he should get the money back (&lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; keep the item, since it was already gifted) just because he &quot;didn't go to the party&quot;.  He chose to owe a debt instead of paying upfront or opting out, the debt doesn't vanish just because circumstances (actually unrelated to that debt) changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The actual debt, well, it may be just the cost of the lesson that he is not trustworthy - and it might be easier to write it off.  Especially if you are willing to write &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt; off, which I would be.  There's usually little benefit to dealing with someone who won't hold by their own word, won't deal with their own decisions - and I would not suggest you maintain ties without making your point clear, or it will likely lead to further shenanigans.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This framework may still be useful, though, if you wanted to confront him, if you wanted to keep friendly(ish) connection with him for some reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2236" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T20:32:54.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2541" CreationDate="2017-08-25T20:38:39.060" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think getting to &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you want such privacy could help. Everyone likes their privacy but many don't feel the need to always have their door shut and have the &lt;strong&gt;intimate&lt;/strong&gt; privacy you're looking for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I like my &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; time as in just me, myself, and I with no one else around or near me. Going into my room and closing the door cuts off everyone else in the household and gives me the that intimate privacy I seek. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: this is not &lt;strong&gt;secretive&lt;/strong&gt; privacy which is what your parents are assuming it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get the sense this could be a similar feeling for you and explaining it this way may help your parent's shift perspective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure they value their alone time as well. When they have their door closed and expect privacy, do you respect their need for privacy as well? (You gave no indication that you don't, just make sure you keep this in mind. You must show respect for the same thing you want respect for). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do this, use it as an example. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You go into your room and close the door. I respect that you need time away from the the family, that's all I'm doing too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mind you, they are your parents and a number of teens get into things online they shouldn't. I'm sure they're concerned for your safety which is why HDE 226868's response will help you build trust with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: added some verbiage to use and also a tidbit to help understand where your parents are possibly coming from.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T21:10:47.070" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T21:10:47.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2555" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-25T20:48:55.940" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two good friends of mine found themselves in a similar position once. They shared a cell phone plan and one lost his job. The other paid the bill since it was in his name but months went by and the debt accrued as the other continued not looking for a job. When he finally found one, he quit on the first day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately the friend who was owed now a great sum of money realized that he was never going to get it, and decided he would rather be friends with that person than not. So he started thinking of it as just having been him doing a nice thing for a friend, by paying his bills. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, the same choice is there. If you don't want to be his friend, confront him upfront and know that you probably won't change his mind or get your money back. If you do want to be his friend, then you need to forgive (but don't forget) his choice. I wouldn't trust your friend with money ever again, but that doesn't mean you can't still be friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4266" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T07:25:11.997" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T07:25:11.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-25T20:50:29.463" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would also add point to &quot;no&quot; answers that &quot;this is my opinion&quot;, mention gently that &quot;yours&quot; and &quot;mine&quot; opinion are the same, as we have same rights and here is no any gender discrimination. She should accept that and answer does she really thinks &quot;her&quot; opinion and &quot;yours&quot; are totally have same weight and equal. Otherwise you can blame in gender discrimination in any other discrimination that is even easier as this is good argument to argue. You should always try to remind who is the owner of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;General: &quot;I said no, this is mine opinion I want/don't this ... etc&quot;, &quot;I'm a man, I'm not a salty cucumber that is how you wanted to see me/grow me like a real man, so I'm a man and this is what I said&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, personally, love my parents but I always follow my opinion and completely manage my life, never let them in as soon as I don't leave with them after school years. &quot;Their&quot; management was really enough for me during my school years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4267" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T20:50:29.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2557" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2547" CreationDate="2017-08-25T20:52:21.217" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;@tonysgd has already given a good answer, but here you are something else you could try: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't take a picture of them, try out social media. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't have a profile you can try out the strategy I used:&#xA;I simply wrote the names I couldn't remember on my phone (in my case I had 13 coworkers, so lesser than you) and checked them whenever I had 2 free minutes (going to the bathroom, taking a coffee...). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me it worked in just 2 days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-25T21:22:13.670" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T21:22:13.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2558" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-25T20:56:23.780" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would explain these people that this is the hardest curriculum in the university, if not the whole country. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good (Polish) person to refer to is Marie (Sklodovska) Curie. All right, she took math and physics because there was no Computer Science 100 years ago, but your girlfriend is on essentially the same track. And look where Madame Curie ended up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are smart to date (and support) such a talented, hardworking woman. Not many would want to. Until, perhaps, she brings home a Nobel Prize. You can tell her family that they may have the next &quot;Madame Curie&quot; on their hands, and that's why she has to work so hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T15:42:20.317" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:42:20.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2488" CreationDate="2017-08-25T21:11:29.330" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way in which I would handle a situation like this would be to ask for more clarification in person (only if this is possible, I realize that some people work remotely). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If doing so solely through e-mail, keep in mind that your boss may be very busy at times and may overlook details in emails or just skim through them to get a basic idea. If it is an urgent matter, I would flag the e-mail as important (Please use this sparingly, see also: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=the%20boy%20who%20cried%20wolf&amp;amp;oq=the%20boy%20who%20cried%20wolf&amp;amp;aqs=chrome.0.0l6.2975j0j7&amp;amp;sourceid=chrome&amp;amp;ie=UTF-8&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Overusing high priority flags&lt;/a&gt;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the content of your e-mail you would likely want to use a list or state your intent (based on what you believe to be more important at the time)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Mr./Ms. Boss,&#xA;&#xA;I will handle the issues you sent me in the following manner.&#xA;&#xA;1) Issue 1 (Whichever you think is more important)&#xA;    -Step to reach goal&#xA;    -Step 2 to reach goal&#xA;2) Issue 2 &#xA;3) Issue 3&#xA;&#xA;If you have any objections or would like me to redirect my focus elsewhere, &#xA;please let me know.&#xA;&#xA;-Name&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on your relationship with your boss + a combination of how casually your office communicates, you can keep or kill some of the formality. The first sentence could possibly come across as a bit bossy, so if anyone has a suggestion to clean it up it would be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4256" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T21:11:29.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2561" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2536" CreationDate="2017-08-25T21:18:17.573" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, bring him for a serious talk. Remind him that he has borrowed money from you in total x dollars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider making a list of when he borrowed money, and how much, in case he might forget (or &quot;forget&quot;) and dispute the amount.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;State that you are unhappy with his lack of commitment to repaying the borrowed money from you and expect it to be repaid soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Important!&lt;/strong&gt; Give a &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;deadline&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Depending if you're feeling nice or not (I feel you're already being &lt;em&gt;too nice&lt;/em&gt;), allow him to negotiate&#xA;the date. Failing to do this will likely result in another delay.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely, he will ask you to pay in installments. It is in &lt;strong&gt;your best interest&lt;/strong&gt; to agree to a reasonable amount each month. If you think he can pay it in one go without putting a burden on him, don't be afraid to ask so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that money is often the reason why a friendship ends. Generally, I and my friends avoid borrowing money from each other because of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tip on lending money: Always ask the borrower to repay the previous loan before approving another loan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you lend money because your friend needs help, it is better if you don't expect any repayment, and consider it helping your friend instead. After all, &lt;em&gt;that's what friends do, helping each other, right?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T12:57:29.000" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T12:57:29.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="31" CreationDate="2017-08-25T21:34:24.680" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Think of it as companionable silence.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a very good, very introverted friend and when I showed this question to him, his (only half joking) comment was: &quot;The first mistake was to start a conversation in the first place.&quot; So I would recommend trying to re-frame the problem as &quot;I managed 10 min of conversation, yay!&quot;, rather than &quot;Oh no, I didn't even manage to hold a conversation through lunch.&quot; People who you meet regularly will know that you are an introvert and will not expect you to be the life and soul of the party. For them these silences will not be awkward, they will be expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find yourself in a situation where you feel that the silence is becoming really awkward, try addressing it head on: &quot;Sorry, I can't really think of anything to talk about right now.&quot; Add a socially acceptable excuse e.g. being really tired. This lets the other person know that you don't consider it their fault that the conversation has stopped. On the other hand they then might ask you why you are tired in which case you should have a good story to hand, and alas you are back to talking. Or they might tell you that they are actually enjoying a bit of peace and quiet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For occasions where you have to spend a long time with people you don't know you all that well (travel for work or similar) and it is not in a purely social setting (&quot;train journey&quot; as opposed to &quot;down the pub&quot;), bring reading material. Actual newspapers/magazines work better than any e-stuff, as you can ask the person you are with if they wanted to borrow one of yours (and therefore generate more potential conversation topics. Maybe.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a big fan of the Dale Carnegie method. I don't always catch people doing this in the act, but it can make conversations feel very &quot;off&quot; - no-one cares about minute details of my life and I know this. There is a line between &quot;being interested&quot; and &quot;interrogation&quot; and if conversation doesn't come to you naturally it's too easy to fall into the &quot;interrogation&quot; trap. Having a couple (as in 2 or 3) standard questions for any situations in mind is fine (at conferences I use &quot;Which topic are you working on ?&quot; and &quot;When did you arrive ?&quot; - this usually elicits a bunch of travel stories), but leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3320" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T21:34:24.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2563" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2547" CreationDate="2017-08-25T21:34:48.703" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In one of the manuals written by Dale Carnegie he writes at the beginning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you want to improve your ability to remember names, you must first&#xA;  sell yourself on the importance of doing it. Your progress in&#xA;  remembering names, learning to ski or developing any other skill will&#xA;  depend largely on how strongly you desire to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Remembering names is a skill, not some magical process that only a few&#xA;  selected individuals possess knowledge of. And like any other skill,&#xA;  you can develop and strengthen it so that it is ready when you need&#xA;  it. But you have to want to develop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He goes on to write:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Increase your desire to remember names by constantly reminding&#xA;  yourself how the ability to remember names will: Enhance your&#xA;  popularity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Help you in your business or profession.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Help you win friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Give sparkle to your social contacts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Help you practice the Golden Rule by ‘doing unto others…’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Prevent embarrassment by showing you are genuinely interested in&#xA;  others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some techniques to help you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you are being introduced to anyone - LISTEN. Concentrate on getting the name right. Think of only one thing: the name.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you do not hear the name clearly, say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name. Will you please repeat it?”&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Observe the facial characteristics for any distinguishing features.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4269" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T21:34:48.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2547" CreationDate="2017-08-25T21:37:52.557" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am terrible with names and just openly tell people this.  Sometimes I tell them upon meeting them with a light joke about how I will likely ask their name again in 5 minutes.  If I meet them again, they are then already told I am no good at this and I am hoping they aren't prone to taking it personally since it's equally applied to every name I have forgotten.  Mine is so bad that I once got stumped trying to conjure the first name of someone I had known 20 years.  I recalled his phone number (I was writing it down for someone else as a business referral) and then couldn't recall his &lt;em&gt;name&lt;/em&gt; to write about the 9 digits.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have always been this way, so I have no idea the excuse that I can recall his number that I use so seldom and trip up recalling his name.  I am great with other details though as well.  I will recall your face, that you have 2 kids, their approximate ages, maybe even sports or activities you mentioned that they do, that you come from this city or that, where you went to university, etc, and then have a total block on your &lt;em&gt;name&lt;/em&gt;.  I used to hate it.  I am used to it now and I can't see it changing, so instead I often rely on other things I &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; remember to break that ice and let someone know that I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; recall them from before.  I can &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; a name and stumble trying to pull it up.  That friend of 20 years, I had seen him at least once a week for twenty years, yet was at a loss for reasons I don't understand.  I ended up asking the person to wait while I excused myself to call my husband and ask him the name.  He laughed, but he is used to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my children, I used the photo trick.  When we go to parties and get togethers, I make a point to take a lot of pictures and try to get some with only one person in the photo.  I then make albums with names for them, of friends and relatives we see, but not maybe often enough to make names easy.  So far none of them seem to have my trouble with names and I hope they never do.  I used this trick before my class reunion as well.  I spent about a week daily looking at photos of people I thought I was likely to see and wanted to get the name right.  In business I prepped myself like this too before any major client meetings and repeated the names I was going to have to remember.  Even just saying them out loud (without a photo, just from a list) helped me to pull them up when needed.  It did help me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When all else fails I just apologize that one of my flaws is difficulty with names and I am sorry I have forgotten their name. Because I am good at other details, I often compensate by laughing about how I can recall they have a English Setter they adore, and yet the name is what I struggle with, and often it makes people laugh, &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; feel remembered.  I have learned to make a point to focus then on what I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; good at, recalling details about people, and then using that in the worst cases as a saving grace that I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; remember you.  People seem to be forgiving of my loss of recalling their name easier when I do recall something &lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt; about them.  It makes it less likely to appear that I don't care or didn't pay attention.  That is what you never want.  You do not want people to think you are detached or not showing due respect when in a professional setting.  At work I might even say something like, &quot;It's so good to see you.  How's that son of yours doing in hockey this year?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T21:37:52.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2568" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2578" CreationDate="2017-08-25T22:27:11.043" Score="5" ViewCount="16695" Body="&lt;p&gt;I got introduced to this person in my neighborhood by a friend, and for a couple of times I said hi to him out of politeness. He also does not have a very close relationship with my friend. I don't have any interest to keep greeting him in passing so I just stopped doing that by avoiding him or pretending not to see him (I have little bit of social anxiety which could be a contributor). Similar situations has happened before.  I would like to know if what I do is very inappropriate? And if so, are there any better options?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4272" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T18:44:34.137" LastActivityDate="2018-11-24T14:11:22.003" Title="Is it OK to stop saying hi to people that you have no interest in?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-26T05:30:35.563" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2570" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-25T22:49:13.413" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First: remember that &quot;no&quot; is a complete sentence. It seems like you feel like you somehow have to come up with reasons for your actions that she'll accept or be satisfied with, but you're not under any obligation to do so. You are perfectly free to decline her suggestions for any reason (or for no reason), with or without explanation. Obviously, I'm not at all suggesting persistently refusing to explain anything to anyone (most people would consider that pretty obnoxious) - my point is that it's not your responsibility to make sure that she's satisfied that the reasons you don't want to kayak are &quot;good enough&quot; for her. Ultimately, your decision about whether to kayak or not is just that - &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; decision - and she needs to accept that. Regardless of how convinced she is that she's right, she can't force you to agree with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have indicated, you may want to practice assertiveness here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assertiveness is different than aggressiveness (becoming hostile/angry) or passiveness (just &quot;giving in&quot;). &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt; cites the following definition from Dorland's Medical Dictionary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Assertiveness is] a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person's rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, remember that you don't have to convince your mother that your decision is correct - it's ultimately &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; decision whether she agrees with it or not. That being said, there are actually quite a few techniques you can use as part of an assertive conversation (and you can find articles with more details on that later). One that I've used a few times myself is what's known as the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.sparkproductivity.com/assertiveness-tip-broken-record/#.WaCldxdl-b0&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;broken record technique&lt;/a&gt;. This is effective in cases where the other person tries to &quot;bring you off point&quot; (e.g. you try to explain why you don't want to discuss kayaking and she insists on talking about why you should kayak). Just by way of example, a conversation may look something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You should take up kayaking.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;I'm not really interested in that.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;You should try it - you'll love it as soon as you get on the water.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;I understand that, but I'm really not interested in taking up kayaking.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;It's not expensive - there are payment plans.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;I understand that, but I'm really not interested in taking up kayaking.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't become angry or hostile at any point - just firmly &quot;stand your ground&quot; and refuse to engage the tangents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4268" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T22:49:13.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2541" CreationDate="2017-08-25T23:07:03.440" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I found enlightenment and humor in the previous responses, keeping in mind those responses are to a a minor.  I laughed out loud about wearing pants, and leaving the bathroom door open, or closing bedroom curtains.  However, any of these are disrespectful if used by an offspring to their parent(s).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question of going through someone's phone, could also apply to any computing device, a wallet, purse, briefcase, closet, desk drawers, dresser drawers, or kitchen cabinets too.  Let's not forget the car glove compartment or trunk either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these are a matter of context.  Why does someone care what I have, where I have it, or what I am doing if/when they cannot see it or me in plain sight?  Are they being protective, curious about participating/sharing, suspicious with or without probable cause, or just snoopy?  What gives them any right to judge me or my activities without intimate knowledge of the context of my situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With or without curtains, doors, walls, or fences, (or pants) we all have our private space, personal space, and public space.  Public space is or should also be further subdivided by work/school, home, friends/relatives.  The point of privacy is being able to choose what or when you share, and with whom.  Most privacy debates are initiated by some level of distrust or suspicion of [legally, socially, or morally] unacceptable activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some activities demand and require more privacy than others.  To some, prayer is private.  To others, it is public.  In some cases, it may be both.  There are also times and places which frown upon any form of prayer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our privacy really has nothing to do with hiding anything.  It has to do with trusting those around us to accept who we are and what we are doing.  And in some cases when or why we do it.  Our privacy, as adults, is not up to someone else to decide or choose if it should be applied, deserved, or stripped away.  Unless of course we are in jail/prison.  But that is another story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above are only opinions and observations of the author and do not reflect the web pages or site they are posted on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4276" LastActivityDate="2017-08-25T23:07:03.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2498" CreationDate="2017-08-25T23:19:39.250" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2498/are-pleasantries-in-emails-still-pleasant/2505#2505&quot;&gt;Bradley Wilson's answer&lt;/a&gt; caught my attention, because the work he cites is focused mostly on the prevalence of pleasantries in sent emails...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is interesting but says nothing about how those pleasantries are &lt;em&gt;perceived&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately, there's a huge industry with a vested interest in addressing that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Sex&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yup! Email marketing, also known as the reason why most of the emails sent to you have to be filtered out by your email program in order for you to actually get anything done. For decades now, these dedicated people have made a living by figuring out the most effective ways to get you to open an email, click links inside that email, and most importantly &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; click the spam button. If anyone knows what people actually want to &lt;em&gt;read&lt;/em&gt;, it's email marketers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, back in '05, Sunil Wattal and friends decided to study &lt;a href=&quot;http://repository.cmu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1346&amp;amp;context=tepper&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the results of 10 million emails sent to 600,000 people&lt;/a&gt;, and found:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our results not only indicate the economic benefits of personalization but also highlight consumers’ privacy&#xA;concerns. The main results are as follows: first, emails personalized only on the basis of consumers’ product&#xA;preferences get a more favorable response from consumers than those with no personalization. &lt;strong&gt;Second, we show that&#xA;more than 85% consumers react negatively to personalized greetings in an email&lt;/strong&gt;, suggesting that consumers are likely&#xA;to perceive a violation in privacy if they see their name in an email advertisement. Third, we show that consumer&#xA;response is mixed if both personalized greetings and product-based personalization are used in an email. While most&#xA;consumers react negatively if both personalized greetings and product-based personalization are used in an email,&#xA;consumers who buy more often from a firm prefer emails where personalized greetings are accompanied by reliable&#xA;product recommendations. This suggests that familiarity with a website mitigates customers’ privacy concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, how does this help resolve the conflict between the two recommendations you found? Well, look at the context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The Brazen.com blog talks about going to a friend's house, following their activities on Facebook, etc. - they describe a scenario where you're talking to someone you know &lt;em&gt;well&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This aligns pretty well with the &amp;quot;regular customers&amp;quot; noted above, people who've interacted with the marketer often enough to be comfortable with the idea that the entity sending them email might actually know something about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The Daily Beast article focuses on emails sent to colleagues, publicists, interns... People the author might be acquainted with professionally (if previously acquainted with them at all!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These align reasonably well with the primary audience noted above: new or occasional customers who would tend to find such faux familiarity off-putting or even creepy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this in mind, you should consider reserving such &amp;quot;pleasantries&amp;quot; for recipients whom you known well enough to actually greet in the hall should you pass them. Maybe...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you might also want to consider the age of the person you're contacting. &lt;em&gt;Warning - this is pure speculation, but I will update this post if I can find confirmation anywhere.&lt;/em&gt; That paper I quoted above? That's 12 years old. A generation has grown up in that time, beset on all sides by ravenous email marketers. A generation &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.buzzfeed.com/ahmedaliakbar/millennial-murder-spree&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;that kills&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I strongly suspect we're seeing some &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cultural_lag&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;cultural lag&lt;/a&gt; here. Practices that were expected when letters and memos were typed on paper and posted or faxed, then, tolerated when composed and sent electronically, are being rendered archaic by the very thing that generated the data I referenced above: insane amounts of email, with varying levels of personalization, generated by cold unblinking machines and marketers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year... For the entire lifetime of many now entering the workforce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once in a great while, my spouse send me a note to greet me by name and thank me for being part of the family. The coffee roaster I buy from occasionally does the same on a monthly basis. Choice Hotels contacts me regularly and in the sweetest terms lets me know how much they miss my companionship. Someone who sold me a screen protector on Amazon addresses me as &amp;quot;Dear&amp;quot; and informs me that it is an honor to write to me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These pleasantries - phatic expressions as Bradley calls them - were never quite &lt;em&gt;sincere&lt;/em&gt; in a literal sense, but even the meta meaning of establishing familiarity and trust has been worn thin by the constant friction of millions and millions of marketing emails. But perhaps for someone old enough to remember the days of formal letters and eloquent personal missives they may still hold some value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4270" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T17:56:40.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2573" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-25T23:26:17.520" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being &quot;right&quot; seldom gets you anywhere in an argument, where often &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; parties are inclined to believing they are right, or else there would be no disagreement.  While I agree with you, as you have laid out details, that the money &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; obviously owed to you, clearly that doesn't matter.  I didn't borrow it, so your issue is that the person who did, thinks &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; is right and isn't likely to pay up no matter how you lay it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the loss of money causes you no harm, I would let it go and move on.  You now know to never agree to front money for this person for any reason or make any loan of &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a small situation like this with a friend.  I later made the mistake of allowing that same friend to borrow my bike.  The person failed to lock it up and it was stolen.  They refused to take any responsibility for failing to protect the bike and basically said that I was being ridiculous expecting them to be held accountable for a thief despite them acknowledging that they failed to take the lock along.  As such, &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; was a huge loss and one I couldn't actually afford as I relied on it at the time as transportation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tell you that story as a cautionary tale on someone who has shown themselves to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; care about putting you out.  This person already has shown disregard for &lt;em&gt;knowing&lt;/em&gt; you pitched in money on their behalf by their own request.  This is troubling behavior, even for a small amount of money.  You are right, that it's the &lt;em&gt;point&lt;/em&gt; and not the amount.  The good news is the amount is small now, so you can take the lesson and not forget this while moving forward.  Do not put yourself ever in any position again with this person where they could harm you financially.  It felt like no significant risk to loan my bike to them for an errand.  I had considered an accident as the only possible risk when they asked. If there were an accident, I would be more worried about my friend than the bike and you can't always avoid potential accidents, so I thought it unlikely anyway.  I didn't even stop to think that perhaps they would show little regard for protecting my property, and based on the prior issue, I realize now that I &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; have considered that.  They even tried to say initially that they did lock it, until I found my lock at my apartment, left behind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T07:27:02.967" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T07:27:02.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2017-08-25T23:40:03.153" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When being pushed I find it helpful to try to connect with the &amp;quot;pusher&amp;quot; and ask for support from them (the pusher I will call P and Y for you)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P: Your sister really is sorry and I wish we could all just get along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Y: Look, I get it that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel ready to move on.  I can't really&#xA;understand how or why, but I accept it and support you in where you&#xA;are in your journey.  What I really need right now is for you to also&#xA;accept where I am, and it's not where you want me to be. Maybe it will&#xA;be,  but it's not right now and this pressure isn't helping me get&#xA;there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be very hard if you are a person who is inclined to &amp;quot;peacemaking&amp;quot; to allow people the time they need to make peace, or not.  It can be very hard to accept when peace is &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; going to be made, and sometimes that is &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; a reality.  It may be in the nature of P to believe all rifts can be bridged.  It's a lovely characteristic to be that optimistic, but it's also one that needs to respect boundaries. You have every right to ask P to back off.  No one gets to decide when your timing is right but you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for you forgiving your sister.  Personally I do think that is necessary. Do not misunderstand that to mean you tell her she is forgiven, or start visiting with her or anything.  It is merely the internal forgiveness I am speaking of.  I have forgiven people that I wish I could have back in my life, but likely never can.  I will not trust them, on any level, and I do not feel that having them in my life would be good for me, so I don't.  Once I have forgiven though, I can see them, in other settings.  I don't have to have long conversations or any conversation really.  I can then hope for them that they find peace and happiness and let it go so that when we do cross paths or I hear news of them, I no longer have any bad feelings attached to it.  That is the sort of forgiveness I mean.  I mean the sort that allows you to no longer give them any control over the way you &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt;.  Now if your sister wouldn't allow you space if you see her and would try to insist on additional conversation, etc, then I would support you in doing what you can to not see her until she is ready to accept the boundaries you want in place.  Just like P, she also has to be willing to accept whatever your comfort level is &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; they are the ones &lt;em&gt;asking&lt;/em&gt; you to try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T22:01:16.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-26T00:10:54.803" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see where you are heading with this small problem of yours but based on what you described &quot;couldn't come with us to buy the actual present, so he asked me if I could pay for him,&quot; and you also stated that he &quot;He had some personal problems so he couldn't come to the birthday dinner during which we gave our friend the present&quot;... so &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He wasn't there when you bought the present&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He wasn't there when you gave the present&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think his actions should be excused because it was not his intention to not show up for the gift-giving, like you said something came up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think next time you need to learn to clearly say no when lending money and also learn to let go of people or family who don't pay up. What can be worse than to have anger inside you? I've lost so many money due to lending my family and friends and I consider it like a charity, but I try to neglect whenever someone asks for a loan. Something sadly is that these money transactions can lead to someone getting hurt. Recently, about two weeks ago my friend was shot because he was fighting over a small money that his other friend owed him. Approx 1,000 dollars is the amount that created anger and led him to have a fist fight. Sadly this friend got shot in the upper torso and died. So never fight or argue over money, friendships matter the most. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4279" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T07:24:28.527" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T07:24:28.527" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2017-08-26T01:36:50.327" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;This seems to be about you taking the time you need to forgive your sister and your parents honoring your decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You emphasized:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not ready to forgive her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emphasize this to your parents.You might have to repeat yourself and it might get tiring but they should get the message. IF you have been firm about this and they still insist, you might have to raise your voice or even take a break for a while. You don't want what happened with your sister to ruin your relationship with them as well but this is the only way for you to have some time to think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're being selfish, your sister's choice made her happy, don't you&#xA;  want her to be happy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your parents are the ones acting selfish (even if not aware) here by not acknowledging your feelings.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sure you want your sister to be happy but your sister should want the same for you and so should your parents. And you aren't happy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's been months/years, this is how things are now, you need to accept&#xA;  that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask them to accept how you feel&lt;/strong&gt; and not start conversations about your sister. If you don't want them involved at all tell them this is between you and your sister. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She's reached out with those texts and you're not even giving her a&#xA;  chance, so the rift is really your fault now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sending trivial texts isn't apologizing. &lt;strong&gt;What would you like your sister to do in order for you to forgive her?&lt;/strong&gt; Is &quot;sorry&quot; enough? Tell your parents what she needs to do IF you want them to help you. It's not your responsibility to approach her if you haven't wronged her. However, if you have answered any of her texts even with a &quot;Thanks&quot; she might misinterpret that to mean it's all good. Your sister might be unaware that she hurt you so bad or she might be too proud to apologize and trivial texts make this less awkward for her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It must be exhausting holding on to all that anger for so long, I&#xA;  can't even imagine..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's exhausting to you that they are not listening, understanding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look, I don't know what happened but it seems that there is lack of communication between you and your parents (and sister). It's best that they don't take sides. Tell them that this is between you and your sister. (Unless you want them to stay involved). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand this is unpleasant to them but this is how you feel. You could say that your feelings might change in the future. Taking the time you need is the best advice I could give you. Avoid going places if your sister is going also and ask that they don't invite you for now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T01:36:50.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2578" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2568" CreationDate="2017-08-26T03:05:06.007" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It would be odd if your decision is sudden, that is, if you had said hello yesterday and days before, and if you pretend that you don't know the person when you see them tomorrow, it would be odd. They might take it as a sign of something wrong they did to you, and start wondering why, or maybe even come up close to you to make sure if everything is alright.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should die away gradually, for example, hellos should change into quick smile or nods first, and a few days later, just a glimpse at each other, and gradually you'll be back to being strangers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I met a Watchman of the adjacent building to mine. He was nice and all, and I would often meet him on the way to my office and back. Initially I was okay with some quick &lt;em&gt;hello&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;how are you&lt;/em&gt; talks, but it's not really to my liking to make it a routine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over a few days, I reduced it to just smile, or decided to walk through another route, which is fine by me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And sometimes, I'm running late to work, so I don't even face his direction, but he'd understand I'm kind of busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T03:05:06.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2472" CreationDate="2017-08-26T03:06:21.837" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your influence is limited, but you will still able to affect their perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are simply different people; one kind automatically assumes that their home culture is perfect because they are used to it and are shocked and angry that other cultures act otherwise. So it is quite easy: the others are stupid or malicious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another kind knows that cultures are different and partly accept it, but their acceptance stops once one of their core values of their personality is constantly neglected or ignored in another culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others which are a very small minority can &quot;switch&quot; cultures and adjust to their surroundings surprisingly well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So once another person begins to give a country a roasting, simply begin:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am surprised because I got quite a different impression of this country. I visited it myself since X years and... [nice impressions following].&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is simply surprised, it could be that it only heard it from other people or burnt their fingers once. So you can in fact influence them&#xA;with your real experiences to overthink their impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person gets morose when listening to your description, it is likely&#xA;one of the second types; they know that you are telling the truth, they simply do not like the country. They will likely point out exactly the problems they have with the country which gives you a good clue what they personally value high. Could still be an interesting conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person gets on the other hand overly aggressive and defensive, you have almost always someone from the first part: They have a very firm opinion about the country which is..erm...not nice. I would advise to leave the conservation, it's no use talking to them. If you do not want to defend your point, simply use an excuse to leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2066" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T03:06:21.837" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2580" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-26T03:41:39.040" Score="20" ViewCount="24101" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently moved from 20 years in an isolated location (no neighbors in sight) to a suburban neighborhood (we can all easily see into each other's windows.) This alone made me anxious; meeting and being social with so many 'strangers' in such close proximity is not a routine situation to find myself in, and I feel clumsy navigating the dynamics of being the new person here. There are no fences on our block, so it's one big yard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worst is over and I've made friends, but I have a neighbor who has stopped talking to me (except when she wants medical advice.) If I say &quot;Hi&quot; or wave, she looks away. She was friendly initially, but she's icy now. (Her kids - 12, 8 &amp;amp; 4 - used to talk to me all the time, and come over. When she stopped talking to me, so did her kids.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried talking to her in the least accusatory manner I could (&quot;Are my dogs being annoying?&quot;, &quot;I feel that I might have offended you; can you tell me what I've done?&quot; kind of thing), but she says, &quot;No, no, I have a hearing problem&quot; (which doesn't explain ignoring waving) or gives some other innocent-seeming excuse. She is pretty friendly with all of the other neighbors. If her dog runs into my yard (he's welcome to; I think he's a hoot, and it seemed fine for him to come over in the beginning), she literally screams at him to get back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked one neighbor if they knew of anything I might have done to upset her, but they said no. I don't want to ask anyone else; I don't want to put anyone on the spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel very uncomfortable being in this situation; my personal philosophy is that how one handles conflict can bring people closer together or drive them apart, so I try to handle conflict and find a compromise, not ignore it and let resentment build. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I handle this breakdown of communication between my neighbor and myself when she won't even acknowledge it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T04:39:36.347" LastActivityDate="2019-09-06T10:05:45.657" Title="How do I deal with a neighbor who stopped talking to me?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="18" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2581" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-26T05:05:37.107" Score="5" ViewCount="181" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been asked to train &amp;quot;customer service&amp;quot; in a local charity group. I've never met the trainees, and I only know one or two people there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the procedure includes small details that I feel will help them to increase &amp;quot;customer&amp;quot; satisfaction. They are similar to &amp;quot;wrap the money around the receipt to ensure you won't forget to give the receipt to the customer&amp;quot;, it is actually alright not doing them, but doing them will help the workflow and increase customer satisfaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to this being a charity group, many (if not most) of them will be volunteers. Their coordinator will introduce me as their trainer, but I don't know her, so I hope I can refrain from asking for her help on this. Since they are volunteers, I'm reluctant to suggest giving punishment (for instance, banning them from volunteering next event).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm expecting they will say &amp;quot;okay&amp;quot;, but not actually doing them (the small details) when doing their job. The result of this training will affect my reputation as a trainer. So,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How do I communicate to the trainees to ensure they will do the small details to the best of their ability?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my concerns is that continuous reminding of the small details will make them upset and be seen as nagging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The training will be conducted every several months as new volunteers come in. Volunteers are not obliged to help through every event. Not doing the aforementioned small details does not directly affect anyone, but makes them prone to mistakes, for example forget to give a receipt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T19:38:33.697" Title="How to communicate in a training to ensure small details done?" Tags="&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;volunteering&gt;&lt;training&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2580" CreationDate="2017-08-26T05:09:05.783" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have some neighbors you are friendly with I would make additional inquiries, softly.  Is it possible &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; happened at the time she stopped talking to you that she has mistaken as being &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; (or someone in your family)?  I wouldn't ask them if they know why, so much as simply say it like you have here.  I would say that she used to be warmer toward you and then something has changed.  You are inquiring to see if they might know of anything that has gone on that she might suspect you were responsible for.  You can assert you are not asking them to breech trust or speak to her or anything, but merely that you thought they might have some information that would assist you in making some sense of this shift.  It could be something as simple as thinking your dogs have done property damage when it was some other dog or animal that did it.  It seems unlikely, based on what you have described, that it's for &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; reason.  Since you have already asked, it also seems unlikely she will be forthcoming as to give you any clue.  You can &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; mention that when inquiring.  You can say you tried asking, but she is &quot;too sweet&quot; to likely bring it up and assured you there was no issue, but your gut says otherwise.  This then shows whomever you ask that you have tried the direct route but got nowhere with it. I would only ask &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; I have a good relationship with another neighbor.  I wouldn't of course ask people I barely know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did say she will ask your input medically though.  So it appears she &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; talk to you &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt;.  I would take that to mean that any offense she may be taking to something isn't enormous and therefor something that might be small and fixable.  My first through was &quot;dogs&quot; too as far as the reason for the issue because you said she suddenly took a significant interest in not allowing her dog to wander to your yard.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did you by any chance have a gathering that someone else was invited to from your neighborhood and she was not?  That is the only other things I can think of.  I don't even mean a party per se, but even just inviting another family for dinner while not inviting them could be seen as a slight to some.  Did you offer to take anyone's kids and not hers?  Even if you didn't offer, but said yes when asked, she &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; misconstrue and believe she or her kids have been left out of something. You get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate awkwardness.  So I do understand your reason for wanting to figure this out.  I would too.  I don't need my neighbors to be my best friends, but I do like to be on friendly terms with them since you have to share space at times. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T05:09:05.783" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2542" CreationDate="2017-08-26T05:41:44.567" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer:&lt;/strong&gt; This answer is largely derived from &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikAfrKf5A8I&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this Charisma On Command video&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Put pauses mid-sentence, not at the end&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you pause at the end of sentences, others may think you're done speaking and jump in if they have something to say.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sound excited&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you have something really interesting to say, if you say it slowly in a monotone voice, people will lose interest.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be loud&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't shout, but make sure you're speaking loudly and clearly enough for others to hear you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Use appropriate body language and gestures&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This relates to the two points above. If you're slouched with your arms next to your side, that's not going to convey confidence and others may be more likely to lose interest or interrupt.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make eye contact&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just look straight ahead, or worse, look down, that doesn't send a great message. Keep looking around and making eye contact with others. If you try to make eye contact, they'd feel more engaged in what you're saying and they'd be less likely to interrupt.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Speak through (minor) interruptions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone interrupts, there will be 2 people speaking for a short time. If you keep talking (with confidence) and finish what you were busy saying (and then look their way to indicate that you're done), others will get the message that they shouldn't interrupt you. Of course using this too much will make you come across as rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not a sentence or two away from being done speaking, you can decide whether it would be appropriate to acknowledge them with a, for example, &quot;Bob, I'm almost done&quot; before continuing. Avoid asking permission here, as that conveys a lack of confidence - simply say it and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is especially true if others are simply making noises without actively trying to interrupt - if you stop talking every time this happens, others are going to use that opportunity to jump in.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell tight stories&lt;/strong&gt; (don't ramble)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A really interesting story can be really boring if you focus on the wrong details or include too many of them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make others feel good&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make use of complements or fun or funny stories, and try to avoid things that evoke negative emotions. If you make people listening to you feel good, they're going to want to keep listening to you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wrap complaints in stories&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to voice a complaint, wrap it in a riveting story - if you want to complain about your boss, for example, don't just say what they did and how much you think that sucks, rather wrap it in the story of how it happened.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Relate back to the listener&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk about what others in the group are interested in. If you're talking about something no-one's interested in, you're going to lose them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could sometimes make use of a phrase like &quot;Oh my god, you're going to love this&quot; to pique the interest of those listening, but use it very selectively - overusing this, or regularly using it for something that others don't find interesting, will have the opposite effect in the long term.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T06:04:06.333" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T06:04:06.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2587" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2593" CreationDate="2017-08-26T07:21:14.607" Score="17" ViewCount="26220" Body="&lt;p&gt;I always feel like it's rude when someone refers to some as &amp;quot;she&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;he&amp;quot; in their presence or when I've done it in the past. But I'm not sure what etiquette says to this in UK culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Friend is sat next to her boyfriend and across from me.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me (talking to my friend's boyfriend): So, what do you think of [ put an interesting topic here ]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him replying: I'm not a big fan, but she loves it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it rude to refer to someone as &amp;quot;he&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;she&amp;quot; in their presence?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T02:00:27.943" Title="Is it rude to refer to someone as &quot;he&quot; or &quot;she&quot; in their presence?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T01:53:32.060" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1099" CreationDate="2017-08-26T07:25:41.080" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Excuse me! Sir! You left your card behind.&quot; Or if I were a steward on a train I'd naturally say &quot;Ma'am, Please move your bag from the aisle.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both of these circumstances, replacing Sir/Ma'am with &quot;Hello&quot; works great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another term that may work is &quot;friend&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hello, m' friend...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I find that to quickly catch somebody's attention, a bit of informality can be desirable.  I might even say &quot;me friend&quot;, trying to keep the word &quot;me&quot; short to reduce chances of people focusing much on that word.  However, if you don't like that, you could speak more properly and say, &quot;Hello, my friend.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T07:25:41.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2587" CreationDate="2017-08-26T07:32:51.020" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it rude to refer to a woman as &quot;she&quot; in her presence?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, but it kinda depends on what you're saying. If you are referring to someone who is present in the third present, regardless of the gender, is rude or at least is something you must avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you use pronouns such as he and she during the conversation which that person is present in, it makes them feel that the conversation is about them, not with them. It really makes an uncomfortable situation for him/her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you are having conversation in a group, you should call them with their name or use &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; if you need to instead of using he/she.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, it also depends on what being said. For example, if you introduce your friend like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is John. He lives in Manchester.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not rude. However, if you say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He will now do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be rude, because you're not asking that person directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case of given example in the question, there is a little chance or it is very unlikely that she will consider it rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T13:25:16.190" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T13:25:16.190" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2536" CreationDate="2017-08-26T07:38:08.437" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I've treated people close to me (including family) worse than others.  I've done this knowingly because I know that I've built up a good relationship with them, and that relationship is strong enough to survive an incident with no lasting negative consequence, while interactions with another person might not be able to so successfully weather such a storm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him know, not in a confrontational way, but note &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would appreciate some repayment soon.  Please.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is really such a good friend, hopefully no more than that will be needed to start prioritizing you a bit higher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T12:53:38.950" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T12:53:38.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2587" CreationDate="2017-08-26T07:46:30.827" Score="8" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Depends on context. I don't think it's rude in your given context.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, here's another context, where I think it's not rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine Alice, Betty, and Clare in a room, at night:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clare: How about a movie? Let's watch one now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice: We should sleep now. Or we won't wake up well-rested for tomorrow's class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty (to Clare): &lt;strong&gt;She&lt;/strong&gt;'s right, you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see why it's necessary to repeat the name Alice here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T07:52:30.583" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2587" CreationDate="2017-08-26T07:46:54.973" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If there wasn't another reference to them recently (in about the last sentence or two)&lt;/strong&gt;, it's disrespectful to refer to them using a third person pronoun (he / she). This is of course assuming it's clear who you're referring to, which it may not be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're in the middle of speaking about them&lt;/strong&gt; and someone (whether you or someone else) has already referred to them by name, it's fine (and generally expected) to refer to them using a third person pronoun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although this might be a sign that you're being rude by speaking about them too much and just generally saying things you shouldn't be saying (e.g. putting words in their mouth or treating them as if they're not there).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, this is disrespectful:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Everyone likes chocolate.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;I don't think she would agree with you.&amp;quot; [presumably while pointing to someone]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are fine:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Alice would probably say she doesn't like chocolate.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Alice doesn't like chocolate.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;No, I don't think she does.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're responding to something they just said&lt;/strong&gt;, it could go either way, but the &amp;quot;safe&amp;quot; bet would be to just use their name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Alice:&lt;/em&gt; &amp;quot;I don't think anyone &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; likes chocolate.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;You:&lt;/em&gt; &amp;quot;She makes a good point.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;OR&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;You:&lt;/em&gt; &amp;quot;Alice makes a good point.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you know the person you're referring to well&lt;/strong&gt;, a third person pronoun can be used in a playful manner where it otherwise would've been considered disrespectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T14:34:34.093" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2587" CreationDate="2017-08-26T08:48:05.433" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on the answers and comments already posted here, I think it makes sense to understand that &lt;strong&gt;it is not always rude to refer to a present person by a personal pronoun&lt;/strong&gt;, but only if what you say either &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;gives the impression that they are not present in the room or the conversation, or &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;presumes to 'speak for them' when they are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, &lt;strong&gt;if you are speaking of them in this sense of 'third person', it seems it would still be rude if you referred to them by name or title rather than a personal pronoun.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personal experience:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister and I are very interested in Indian Classical music but my sister is also deeply interested in psychology. When we met an old 'music friend' who asked my sister why she was not following a career in classical arts, I was stupid enough to enthusiastically state in her presence:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She is far more committed to building a career in psychological counselling. She has taken degrees in advanced theories and practical technique. She wants to be a practicing psychological counsellor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later my sister said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why you want to say that on my behalf? I will say it myself if I want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So she was not objecting to the pronoun but to my speaking of her 'in the third person' and saying all that when she can decide to say or not say it herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So what's rude is not the pronoun but the presumption.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answers to this old but &lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/38940/&quot;&gt;very similar question at English.SE&lt;/a&gt; kindly linked by @OldPadawan provide good historical context and 'etiquette of usage'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T09:00:48.133" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T09:00:48.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2568" CreationDate="2017-08-26T08:49:14.337" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think we all had some similar situation. What I do is always say Hi, in this case I know I'm not being rude or somehow offending him.&#xA;If he wants he can start a small talk, otherwise he will just respond Hi and move on. &#xA;At the end it's just a quick exchange of 2 words, nothing awkward, but it still depends on the level of your social anxiety. &#xA;Anyway, I think that a simple Hi is never a bad thing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T08:49:14.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2568" CreationDate="2017-08-26T08:56:07.653" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not think &quot;inappropriate&quot; would be a term &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would think of.  What you have to consider though is what is considered normal etiquette where &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; live.  It also likely matters if you are living in a large city versus a smaller community.  It can change how that is interpreted considerably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the USA, Mid-West.  I live in a small town.  As such, here it is seen as odd behavior in an unfavorable light.  It is seen so much this way I can easily give you an example.  People that come to my home often have seen most of my neighbors outside enough to know who is and is not a neighbor.  Last week I had a friend visiting.  I went in the house to grab drinks and came back out.  My friend asked me what is &quot;up&quot; with my &quot;weird&quot; neighbor.  I ask what he means.  He then goes on to tell me that this person walked past my home and appeared to purposely look at the ground as he walked by to &quot;avoid&quot; saying hello.  I have no doubt he did.  That is how that man is.  It is seen as weird here.  It causes people to wonder about him.  They do infer something is &quot;off&quot; about him because his behavior is &quot;off&quot; to the common culture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So walking by my house while purposely avoiding eye contact and avoiding saying hello isn't &quot;wrong&quot;, and it's not even inappropriate.  He is perfectly allowed to do so.  He does so though while perhaps being unaware it causes people to have an odd view of him.  This &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; be a problem for him in some cases.  If something happened in the neighborhood, he could be someone they would automatically mistrust.  When someone seems so purposefully closed off and like they actively seek to avoid contact, people are naturally prone to more suspicion of that person's intentions.  And the thing is, this is probably the 5th or 6th person that has asked me that same question over the last several years.  It's not one person's interpretation.  And I have had other neighbors mention it as well, asking me what is &quot;up&quot; with him and have &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; ever spoken to him, etc.  Honestly there is nothing weird about this man that I can see &lt;em&gt;other than&lt;/em&gt; his obvious efforts to avoid speaking to anyone.  I am not saying it's &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; that is how he gets viewed.  I am merely sharing how culture matters in this regard and what other people expect socially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T08:56:07.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-26T09:32:11.293" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, I would suggest that you try to speak to him privately about it and if he insists on not paying then you can either go on to a confrontational mode which might adversely affect your friendship with him. The confrontational mode will most likely result in a strained friendship if there is any left. If the amount owed is not that significant and you are in no dire need, I would suggest you forgo the amount and think of it as fees for finding out early that maybe your friend was not actually a good friend rather than having him shortchanging you over a bigger issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4292" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T07:23:25.543" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T07:23:25.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2017-08-26T10:06:25.290" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can make your position very clear and uncompromising to your parents, as in &quot;she has done me a very bad deed whose details I don't intend to go into, and &lt;strong&gt;I am not ready to forgive her&lt;/strong&gt;, so that is my final position at present. Please do not continue to bring up this topic.&quot; You might possibly add &quot;I may reconsider later, depending on her future behavior&quot; simply to suggest your mind is not closed on the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't presume to know your personal situation: however we in India believe in keeping 'good relations' and open lines of communication with close family members. It is sad but true that if you have only one sibling, which is this sister, then it is better overall to not be emotionally estranged from her, because family is family and the only source we can absolutely call upon for emotional support in any situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a sister myself who is 2 years younger and has often had a volatile personality: we had strong differences of opinion at times, but I am always conscious that we shouldn't create a permanent rift that can later be irreparable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, &lt;strong&gt;the worst thing that can permanently destroy a relationship is absence of communication.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I am not ready to forgive her (yet)&quot; can therefore have serious consequences, so I can imagine how your parents are anxious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents may not be helping matters by pushing you but you too cannot leave it too late (or expect your sister to apologise or whatever) &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if you want to salvage the relationship.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I strongly suggest taking a step forward yourself, being bold enough and 'big-hearted' enough to take the lead on clearing the air. If you feel uncomfortable with discussing a delicate issue in your parents' presence you can discuss it one-to-one with your sister. However if that would be emotionally stressful you can choose to discuss the issue with her in the presence of parents/ relatives/ trusted friends so that &lt;strong&gt;you two can thrash out your differences at the earliest and repair a potentially valuable relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T22:15:25.680" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T22:15:25.680" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2534" CreationDate="2017-08-26T10:25:31.530" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your problem can also occur in routine situations where we sometimes can't really  'place that acquaintance' and can feel at a loss to identify them, whereas they have placed us very well indeed!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) A trick I use is to &lt;strong&gt;keep it generic.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am not sure of the person's identity yet, I would make generic small-talk and allow them to 'lead' the conversation while giving me time and clues to identify them. It is most important to avoid guesswork that can lead to obvious blunders. You need not try to explain your unique condition which others can accidentally misinterpret, leading to unwanted inaccurate rumors about your 'visual disability.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) Since you have trouble recognizing faces, you could pay attention to their &lt;strong&gt;voice or other mannerisms, in addition to information clues&lt;/strong&gt; they provide, to eventually make a positive identification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T18:23:22.990" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T18:23:22.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2534" CreationDate="2017-08-26T10:53:00.840" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I keep doing this, or is it better to be honest? Is there a&#xA;  tactful way to explain that I have trouble recognizing faces without&#xA;  seeming rude, or weird?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's always nice, to be honest with someone in a situation like this. I would like it if someone did the same with the shoe on the other foot. Not only do you now know them (to hopefully avoid the same situation again), but you'll feel a little less guilty for having that conversation thinking &quot;Who is this person?!&quot;. It's pretty common (especially if you're busy and meet people all the time). I wouldn't say there is so much &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;a tactful way&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to explain, but there are ways that can trigger your memory and/or get them to (re)introduce themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Verily magazine wrote an article named &quot;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://verilymag.com/2014/01/6-tips-to-recover-with-grace-when-you-forget-a-face&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;What to Do When You Don't Recognize Someone You've Met Before&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; offering a few (to me, helpful) tips in this all too common situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be proactive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you see someone heading toward you with a big smile and a look of cheerful recognition, extend your hand with an equally big smile and say your name, introducing yourself to them as if you are helping them to remember. The best case scenario is that they will respond in kind. This strategy creates an opportunity for both parties' names to be voiced and minds to be refreshed without anyone having to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be (partially) honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Admit you can’t remember their name (while glossing over the fact that you have no idea who they are). Humility and gentle self-deprecation are important here. After exchanging warm greetings, apologize with a look of good-humored exasperation and say “I am so sorry, my brain is not kicking into gear . . . please remind me your name?” When they give you their name, respond as if it was on the tip of your tongue: “Of course, Deb—it's great to see you!”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;“How long has it been?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A vague prompt can lead to a discussion of exactly when you two saw each other last and yield clues as to how you know this person. Other good openers: “What have you been up to lately?” Another safe response is, “It’s nice to see you,” rather than “meet you,” suggesting that you remember meeting them before—even if you don’t.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Offer an explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The truth may be that you vaguely remember the person, but it’s a case of the person being out of normal context. For example, if you occasionally see this person at the gym in workout clothes, and now they are dressed in a business suit, you can laugh when you make the connection and explain, “I didn’t recognize you. I’m used to seeing you on an elliptical machine!”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Dish up a little extra kindness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The problem with forgetting that you have already met someone is that it makes them feel, well, forgettable. After you have established their identity and apologized for your memory lapse, compensate for any unintentional slight by showing plenty of interest in the person: “How have you been?” “What brings you here?” “When was the last time you went to that yoga class?” A little dose of genuine warmth and enthusiasm can smooth things over nicely while reinforcing your memory for the next time you meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I encounter this problem a lot because I have a terrible short-term memory and I don't always wear my glasses out with me. So, I'm normally happy to just openly do Tip #2 and say I don't recognise their name moreover who they are and then do a whole lot of Tip #5. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a bonus (for future readers) a  .PDF by the College of Education and Human Development on &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.cehd.umn.edu/icd/research/yonaslab/docs/StrategiesforLivingwithProso.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Strategies for Living with Prosopagnosia&lt;/a&gt;. Comments made by adults for children, but the information can be useful, regardless.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T13:19:33.707" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T13:19:33.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2568" CreationDate="2017-08-26T12:31:47.903" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Once somebody is introduced to you he/she becomes an &lt;strong&gt;acquaintance.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is considered polite in many cultures to acknowledge an acquaintance when you meet, whether by nod/ smile/ wave/ brief greeting/ handshake/ brief chat, so you need to consider what is the typical behavior in your society, as many earlier answers have pointed out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like ignoring the person it is your choice but they might misunderstand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a bit of social anxiety myself and tend to avoid acquaintances, but I cannot ignore them when we come face-to-face. My typical solution (does not work every time) is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;smile, wave or say hello, and keep movin'.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T12:31:47.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-26T12:33:24.423" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;No-one so far has mentioned the other friends. They are part of the affair, since they must have put their names, along with yours and Bob's on the present, one would assume. One would also assume they are/were Bob's friends too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are not aware of the situation, they should be. This then could be an answer to helping him be convinced. By the time he's heard from the rest of the group how unsatisfactory his behaviour is, he may come to realise which friends he may be losing, if not just giving a bad impression to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe something along the lines of ' Did you realise we've all had to chip in more for that present with your name on too, because it's not fair on Axel2D to cover both your share and his/hers.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A desperate final idea may be to explain to the recipient of the gift that a mistake was made when Bob's name was put on the gift. Desperate as I say!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1655" LastEditorUserId="1655" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T07:34:43.960" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T07:34:43.960" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2603" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-26T12:36:28.300" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask to take possession of something from him of equal or higher value as collateral. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give him a year from now to pay you back with no interest and tell him he'll get the object back, but after that year is up, you get to keep the object permanently, or sell it, or give it to another friend, or whatever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what you should have asked initially, but it isn't too late to ask for that now, he might still say 'yes' to something like that, especially if he's having money troubles right now, but thinks his financial situation will improve in the long term. The key is to take possession of the object he's willing to part from the very beginning. If that object is not at your place during the duration of the loan, it doesn't count, because emotionally, it's too difficult to repossess the object of a friend/relative after that friend/relative has already defaulted.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he wants to work off his debt, that's possible too, but only after you've already accepted his collateral. This way, if his work is not up to par, it's easier to say 'no' if you already have his collateral. And by the way, there is no sense in taking something that is of no value to you. This isn't about punishing him. Nor is this about accepting junk you don't want either. This is just about restoring the balance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T07:23:44.730" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T07:23:44.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2604" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2587" CreationDate="2017-08-26T13:40:39.227" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not rude per se, but &lt;strong&gt;often&lt;/strong&gt; more or less rude depending on what you're saying about the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm with her.&quot; — not rude if true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;He's my brother.&quot; — not rude if true (unless you are butting in to their conversation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No, he doesn't drink coffee.&quot; — borderline; let him speak for himself, unless he doesn't speak a language the other person understands, and even then, it's better to ask him and interpret instead of speaking for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;She's not deaf, ask &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt;.&quot; — not rude, and a good response to someone else being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;He is going to the prom with me.&quot; — rude if you haven't already agreed to that, otherwise depends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="416" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T13:40:39.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-26T18:10:28.260" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you saying that she is studying &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; maths &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; computer science at the same time? Two majors? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I went to university, I took maths (major) and computer science (minor) at one of the best universities in the country. There was &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; guy out of several hundred who took two majors. Actually, because you couldn't take a major without a minor, he take maths major / CS minor AND CS major / maths minor and had to spend some time convincing the university that passing CS major exams should count as passing CS minor exams, same with maths. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if that is what your girlfriend is doing, tell her, and more importantly, tell her family that I am utterly impressed. And I'm not easily impressed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T18:10:28.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2581" CreationDate="2017-08-26T18:45:05.593" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;That's a tricky situation to be in. I was in your shoes, supervising 30 to 40, all volunteer helpers, following Hurricane Andrew in South Florida. (1989/1990?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found most effective was to remind them, in many, many different ways, what the results of their actions would be on the receiving end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, putting &lt;em&gt;ONE&lt;/em&gt; can opener into a case of canned beans would not be as useful as a case of beans &lt;em&gt;AND&lt;/em&gt; a case of can openers in a single shipment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to get your volunteers to put themselves in the position of the customer/recipient as often as possible. There are so many situation-specific ways to do this that an impression of &quot;nagging&quot; can be avoided.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4303" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T18:45:05.593" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="591" CreationDate="2017-08-26T19:08:28.780" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Always put the emphasis on yourself, not your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I feel like having a sweet. Join me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stress that any misunderstanding originates with how YOU expressed yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If subtlety has been effective in the past, try offering examples where you've been misunderstood by others, with the best intentions, in the past.&#xA;The &quot;No good deed goes unpunished&quot; approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your friend is more than a little paranoid. In that case, once you've done your best, try not to take their &quot;hypersensitivity&quot; personally. If the friendship is of value to you, treat it as an idiosyncracy and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4303" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T19:08:28.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2610" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-26T19:27:24.843" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Egyptian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:22:49.653" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:22:49.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2611" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-26T19:27:24.843" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Egypt or Egyptian culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:52:54.747" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:52:54.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2017-08-26T19:59:49.040" Score="-4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to stop family from pushing me to forgive and forget?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forgive and forget.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously, if you do that, why would they keep pushing you to do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why should that be my responsibility?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it's the right thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's like a saying I once heard:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All of the miserable rotten things that have screwed up your childhood and upbringing are 100% not your fault, and when you become an adult, are 100% your responsibility to fix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't matter much whether we want life to work a certain way (e.g., &quot;life should be fair&quot;).  Our best response is handling how life really is, not how it would be nice to be if it worked the way we wished it would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I tell them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay.  You're right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I respond when they try to get me to go to family events with her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do I just have to accept they will view me as the bad guy for not accepting her &quot;compromise&quot; of sweeping it under the rug?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No.  You can give in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another gem I've heard:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your family's motives may be more than just hoping for the best for your sister, but also caring about you.  If you win this battle with your family, it will be at an even worse cost, so there is no way to win the way you are hoping to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T19:59:49.040" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2587" CreationDate="2017-08-26T20:08:10.610" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in countless situations exactly as you describe, when sitting with my other half.  Someone will ask about a particular musician or band for example, and I may say &quot;Not really my taste but she (pointing to my other half) loves them!&quot;  This carries with it an implied passing-on of the conversational thread to her, at which point she can pick up and run with the topic if she wishes since it's of specific interest to her.  I don't see anything rude in that at all and can't imagine anyone thinking otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can certainly think of rude ways to use a pronoun to refer to someone, but I do not believe at all that it is inherently rude.  As with so many things, context is key.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3271" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T20:08:10.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-26T20:11:38.400" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that there is a key piece of information that you have not provided explicitly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Was the gift given on his behalf, too?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is NO then, in my opinion, your friend is right, however, he should ask the other participating friends to give you some amount back to make your shares equal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, you can either end your friendship or just learn the lesson and move on in which case your friendship wouldn't be the same as before because you cannot trust him with money anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding more confrontation to get the money back, I would see if it is worth the possible consequences. For example, if you want to keep your friendship you might want to think about it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another solution could be to tell the person who received the gift that your friend does not want the gift to be on his behalf too. In this case, I would let the owing friend know beforehand that I would do so if he doesn't give me back the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4272" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T07:25:53.740" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T07:25:53.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2615" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2622" CreationDate="2017-08-26T20:48:48.920" Score="25" ViewCount="7901" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of weeks ago, my brother-in-law helped me by transporting a piece of furniture in his car, as my car was too small.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On our way home, with me following him in my own car, he ran a red light (I stopped for it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That intersection has a traffic camera that detects running a red light, so he got a ticket in the mail today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should I feel obliged to help him pay it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the one hand, I feel a bit bad about it, since he was helping me out when he got the ticket.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I had no influence on his driving as I was in my own car. Also, that intersection has had that camera for years; he knows it's there. I remember me thinking at the time, &quot;dude, what are you doing?&quot;, even though he got caught as the light changed from yellow to red.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;He only just told me about the ticket; there's no indication yet that he expects me to help pay it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T21:45:49.493" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T12:08:01.790" Title="Should I help pay for a traffic ticket someone got while helping me?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-30T18:00:38.753" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2615" CreationDate="2017-08-26T20:58:25.613" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one seems a little obvious, but he was driving, in his car, and he ran the light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like being generous, feel free, but don't feel obligated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be different if he asked you for money for gas or to pay for bridge tolls, but a red light ticket is completely avoidable. If you feel like offering some money I would place it in a &quot;this is for your gas and time&quot; context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T20:58:25.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2615" CreationDate="2017-08-26T21:02:21.543" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No, You are not obligated.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should be good friends as he is your brother-in-law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he helped you in transferring the furniture he did because you are close.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That means he isn't waiting for a payback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is considered normal if you asked him for a favor and if he asked you for one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering the passing-red-light part:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is his fault, not yours, he is the one that was reckless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel a bit generous you can help him in paying the fine but you are not obligated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-26T21:20:52.150" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T21:20:52.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1980" CreationDate="2017-08-26T21:06:00.857" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Guardian has an interesting article on &lt;strong&gt;how&lt;/strong&gt; someone with bipolar &lt;strong&gt;probably shouldn't&lt;/strong&gt; disclose this and offers some advice &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/27/you-know-i-have-bipolar-perils-of-dating-with-mental-health-problem&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You asked, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if and when should I disclose this issue to my potential dates. And if&#xA;  I do it, how do I frame it so they won't run away screaming?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If they run away screaming they aren't the right person for you :)&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;Unless you want them to, so wear a funny T-shirt about it and test this! (Joking)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first part of your question is &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; you should disclose this issue to your potential dates. &#xA;Some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes&lt;/strong&gt;: If the potential dates are &lt;strong&gt;women there is a good chance you will want to marry and they will, too.&lt;/strong&gt; This is someone you may end up spending the rest of your life with so honesty and good communication is important for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Depends&lt;/strong&gt;: If you are disclosing this to &lt;strong&gt;women you aren't sure about.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may go on a couple of dates and not feel this is going to work out so there is no need to say anything early on. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;However, there is also a possibility that you meet someone who is going through the same thing and decides to tell you about it even on the first date. In that case, you might feel inclined to do so, too.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer the &lt;strong&gt;when&lt;/strong&gt; component of your question, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it feels right to you and when this person:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;seems compassionate and encouraging to you to open up about things &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;values honesty &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;has told you they love and want to be with you not just for the good but also for the &quot;bad&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;asks you herself because she happens to have a relative or friend with the same illness &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;how&lt;/strong&gt; might even come naturally when that person has made you feel comfortable enough and you will be feeling they are here to stay. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal experience&lt;/strong&gt;: I was once with someone who suffered from depression and was bipolar but wasn't on any medication. The relationship was serious but he hadn't been open about what he was going through. Sometimes, it got difficult for me and I did have to consult a professional so I know how to handle some of these difficulties. I now feel I could have been more prepared if I knew from the beginning. I basically had to find out myself. But it still wouldn't have made me change how I felt about him. I wanted to be with him and help him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helped any! Good luck! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T16:22:00.977" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T16:22:00.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2536" CreationDate="2017-08-26T22:30:06.823" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It really depends on how much money you own that person.  If it is less than one-hundred dollars, I would let it pass, but I would not consider them as a friend and I would act 'neutral' when talking to him/her.  I think everybody agrees that one of the foremost qualities of a friend is trustworthiness.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It must be very hard for you to have one of your closest friends betray you.  In your place, I would not continue my former relationships with them.  I would leave it at that and walk my way but if it is really a large sum of money you care about I would suggest approaching him directly reminding him of his promise and that it has been several months since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I would hope they would realize their guilt, but you could also add that you have seen that he already has the financial resources to pay you back in case he ignores/extends your request.  I am not, of course, some psychologist or advisor -- I have a lot of learning to do myself -- this is only my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4120" LastActivityDate="2017-08-26T22:30:06.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2622" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2615" CreationDate="2017-08-27T01:32:42.693" Score="62" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two possible situations of this kind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first is, he got the ticket in the line of duty. E.g., he had to park in the &quot;wrong place&quot; to unload your furniture, and got a ticket as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second was he got the ticket outside of the line of duty. He ran the traffic light on his own, with no need to, and no prompting from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the first case, you should pay for the ticket. If you weren't moving, he wouldn't have parked in the wrong place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this is the second case. He could have gotten a ticket at that intersection any day of the week. That fact that he was helping you to move at the time was &quot;incidental,&quot; not &quot;central,&quot; to his getting a ticket.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He knows this, which is why he didn't ask you to chip in. No need to bring up the subject on your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T01:40:22.727" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T01:40:22.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2581" CreationDate="2017-08-27T01:48:10.917" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would use a two step process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first is general, informational training. That is, teach everyone the &quot;information&quot; so that everyone knows what to do. Most will probably do this, a few won't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second, is persuasion. That is, take aside the few that don't follow instructions, and try to persuade them to do so, by demonstrating the impact of wrapping and not wrapping the money in the correct way. Some may need extra help, or at least motivation, to do this properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a profit situation, there would be a third step, weeding out or firing people that don't follow instructions. But this is a volunteer, non-profit situation, so you level of tolerance should be higher. If you have the leeway, &quot;volunteer&quot; not to ask these people to volunteer. But in many situations, you may need all the volunteers you can get, even if they aren't very good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T01:48:10.917" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2541" CreationDate="2017-08-27T04:07:44.650" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, the thing is. It's not unusual for parents to be weirded out by their kids wanting privacy. But... It's unhealthy. It's not sustainable. If they want you to grow up, they can't wait until you turn 18, then suddenly treat you like you're a fully developed adult. They have to start treating you more and more like an adult over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If an adult houseguest were with them, would they even &lt;em&gt;ask&lt;/em&gt; about a closed door? Probably not. Privacy is a normal thing humans want and arguably a psychological &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt;. And it's normal and healthy for you to want privacy without needing any reason beyond &quot;I experience this desire&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like the advice to agree that their concerns are reasonable, because I don't think it's true. But it may be tactically useful to at least try to acknowledge the thing, and build an awareness of the distinction between &quot;I want to keep a thing secret&quot; and &quot;I don't want the additional awareness of people looking at me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4316" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T04:07:44.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2626" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2628" CreationDate="2017-08-27T06:21:55.343" Score="23" ViewCount="4344" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, I was on a trip to a town that I didn’t know well. I play Pokemon GO, which has “raids,” a sort of social feature that requires people to gather in one place to coordinate in-game activities. I was out doing some raids, using a chat app to find out where they would be. Since I’m gregarious and felt safe, I asked some of the people&amp;mdash;an adult woman and her father&amp;mdash;I met at the raid whether I might get a ride to the next raid, and they agreed. I’ve done this a lot before without any issues&amp;mdash;it seems to be pretty common in the Pokemon GO community, where not everyone has a car to get between raids. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I was riding with them, though, I began to feel very uncomfortable. I’m not the most socially perceptive of people, but the father seemed to me to be acting in an extremely angry, critical, and maybe even abusive manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was constantly angrily criticizing his daughter for the littlest things, even blaming her for following the directions on Google Maps, or not catching a Pokemon for him, and he always tried to make it seem like it was her fault. She wasn’t being at all confrontational or doing really &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt;, so far as I could tell. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also said things like “Don’t make me curse at you”  (and it sounded like a genuine threat, not a joke) and “Why are you making me angry?”. And all this with a stranger in the car! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I felt so uncomfortable that I asked them to drop me off early, but even then I was second-guessing my decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What was the right strategy? Should I have done what I did, and just tried to get away from that situation as quickly as possible? Should I have said something, and if so, how? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4320" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T07:19:52.103" LastActivityDate="2019-12-02T19:36:12.703" Title="How to deal with a possibly abusive stranger?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2525" CreationDate="2017-08-27T06:50:09.110" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You were blindsided in your first confrontation. Don't worry about the money lost. Think about how much you have saved by not ever making a 2nd loan. What would be the point of a 2nd confrontation? Just like you, your friend doesn't think he is right--he knows it. If both of you could understand the other's reasoning, minds could change. Impossible for you. The friend won't make the effort. Demote friend to an acquaintance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4319" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T07:23:10.380" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T07:23:10.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2626" CreationDate="2017-08-27T06:57:48.407" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;The interactions between family members carry a lifetime of history and context. I am not trying to condone yelling or rudeness as a solution for anything. But what you observed was something that quite likely can be misunderstood because you don't have the context in which to truly understand it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I am near a married couple argue for whatever reason, as long as there is no evidence of something illegal about to ensue, I have a tendency to simply give them their privacy. I have seen cases where people tried to help, &lt;em&gt;and it just backfired&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The woman is an adult. She appeared to be in no immediate danger to her safety. I think you did the right thing to simply give them their privacy so that they can sort out their family matters without an audience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you did the right thing to not intercede and to get out of their presence sooner rather than later. I also hope you were not too put out because I get the impression that you had some walking ahead of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T06:57:48.407" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2629" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2682" CreationDate="2017-08-27T07:01:26.497" Score="8" ViewCount="830" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is one of several buffet etiquette questions which came up on a recent holiday.  When in a buffet queue (line) how should you respond to someone in front of using their hands or a serving spoon meant for (and previously used for another dish) to serve themselves?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not in and of itself a health and safety question, though there is the issue of meat spoons used in vegetarian dishes.  Rather it is a matter of courtesy as not everyone likes their flavours mixed, or their food handled by others.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you confront them with a polite reminder of health issues, or that you don't appreciate them handling the food?  Or is it best to ignore it, and just ask staff to provide clean utensils or a fresh &quot;uncontaminated&quot; offering?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T07:02:41.157" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T19:15:11.843" Title="How do you deal with someone using hands or wrong utensil in buffet line?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2630" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2629" CreationDate="2017-08-27T07:18:56.120" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I face this a lot and I will share how do I handle this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you confront them with a polite reminder of health issues, or that you don't appreciate them handling the food?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you should confront them because it's a matter of health issues. For those who use hands, I say like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This dish appears to be tasty and you know other people will also like to take this. Therefore, it's not a good thing to pick this dish with hands. They have provided utensils for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can skip bringing the topic of health issues unless it is necessary, because most people will definitely relate this with health. After saying this, I hand over them that utensil and they use given utensils after this for all dishes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For those, who use wrong utensils, I say like (almost in the same way above but a bit different),&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This dish looks good and using the wrong utensil might make this dish less tasty. So, please use this right utensils. &lt;em&gt;Give them the right utensil&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now coming to another question,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or is it best to ignore it, and just ask staff to provide clean utensils or a fresh &quot;uncontaminated&quot; offering?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say don't ignore it and ask staff to provide clean utensils. You can also ask them to fresh offering and wait, but other people in the line might not wait. So, just ask them to provide fresh offering quickly in a polite way, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A wrong utensil has been used for this dish, making me reluctant to take this dish. Please provide fresh offering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try more direct approach if they don't listen to you at first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never had case of meat spoons being used in vegetarian dishes, since I am vegetarian and never attended parties where they serve both veg and non-veg dishes. Though you can say like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This spoon is used in meat dishes and many people who are vegetarian wouldn't like it. This buffet is for everyone, so please mind other people too and use the right spoon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T16:37:23.487" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T16:37:23.487" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2626" CreationDate="2017-08-27T07:26:58.557" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you are right in assessing the &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; this sounds, would come off as abusive.  That said, I am not sure what &lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt; you could have done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I will say, as a perspective you may not consider as it's not an obvious one.  My father is a rude rude man at times.  It is very off-putting to others and to myself.  I had a lot of baggage with him to overcome in my adult life.  But there is a legitimate reason.  He is not who he used to be.  I never knew him the way he &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt;.  Sadly, when I was an infant, my father suffered a frontal lobe injury.  As such, it has damaged his filter.  He can go from being a lot of fun one moment to downright mean in no time.  He is most inclined in his aggressive speech to those he is closest to and the worst trigger is frustration and car driving is a bad one.  That in particular really irks me as he &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; allow someone else to drive, but in that case, then he is the worst &quot;backseat driver&quot; you have ever seen.  He isn't actually going to &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; anything to anyone.  I've never seen him flip off other cars or drive abusively, but his behavior in the car &lt;em&gt;while&lt;/em&gt; driving is highly unpleasant, such that my mother often rides separately.  He knows he is like this.  He later often will feel bad about the way he acted, but someone who doesn't know us might think he is a horrible person.  Sometimes he deserves that impression.  That said, knowing how he acts I wouldn't say we could let someone ride with us nor ride with him.  I do have siblings that find this less stressful though, so maybe they would.  I would &lt;em&gt;hope&lt;/em&gt; they would warn someone though.  Perhaps though too if my dad was having a great day, I might not think he would act off.  On a bad day he can act off even for seemingly no reason.  He once called me a name at one of my kid's birthday parties because I didn't realize he was in the bathroom and we sang while he was gone.  I asked him to leave.  I love him, but he shouldn't come around my kids on a bad day.  I was stuck living that every day growing up.  I won't make my kids be around it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T07:26:58.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2632" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2873" CreationDate="2017-08-27T07:39:11.427" Score="28" ViewCount="41821" Body="&lt;p&gt;Already many months ago, &quot;Bob&quot; joined my circle of friends. He has a plethora of good character traits and it is really great to hang out with him. In addition, he is a bit shy and also introverted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Through the last several weeks, I got the strong impression, that Bob has a crush on me. This was also independently verified by other friends (without me asking them about it). So it is a pretty safe bet. He didn't make a move yet, but it already got me wondering what to say to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I really like Bob as a friend, but just as a friend. I don't want a romantic relationship with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is the following: &lt;strong&gt;If he opens up to me, how do I reject his advance in the most gentle and least hurting way?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goals are&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;to make clear, that we will just be friends, so that he can look for another girlfriend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;make clear, that I really want us to stay friends. That's not just a set phrase to put an end to an awkward situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So unlike previous questions like &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1183/how-to-nicely-tell-someone-i-am-not-interested-in-a-second-date&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/130/how-to-nicely-reject-someone-who-is-hitting-on-you-in-the-united-states&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;, I'm not talking about a(n) (almost) stranger. I hope that we can stay friends and he won't feel like he lost face (that he made a fool out of himself), or feeling too  uncomfortable around me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have any suggestions, what to say (or what not)? E. g. from what you said yourself or maybe would have wanted to hear in a similar situation (so both sides of the coin)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional information, that may be helpful:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm currently not in a relationship, and neither is Bob.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No additional complicating issues like differing cultural/religious background or the like.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't fear a violent reaction or the like. This is of no concern to me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastActivityDate="2020-01-19T06:07:03.627" Title="How to gently tell someone that you just want to be friends?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;rejection&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2615" CreationDate="2017-08-27T07:58:49.377" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you have received good advice already, so this is just 'what I would do'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, you are not obligated - same as if a cab driver runs a red light, that's his problem (and he knows it), unless you specifically accepted responsibility in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if a friend was doing me a good turn, I would offer him an amount (less than the fine) that would be reasonable for petrol/gas for his trip to help, stating: &lt;em&gt;&quot;I appreciated your help the other day and feel bad you got a ticket, but we both know &lt;strong&gt;that was your doing&lt;/strong&gt; - however I'd like you to have this for your gas/petrol&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd do this to acknowledge my appreciation and to help him a bit with the fine. But by making it clear the fine was his doing, you and he can stop 'guessing' what the other may be thinking. {this could stew for years in silence}&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The fact that you even asked the question here shows you feel 'a bit' guilty, so why not be 'a bit' helpful/kind?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4323" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T08:47:39.620" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T08:47:39.620" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2626" CreationDate="2017-08-27T08:38:58.680" Score="5" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Stay away from others' family matters.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did the right thing by getting off early. From what I read, there doesn't appear to be any real danger of physical violence. It's only a father yelling at his daughter, which may be quite normal in their family. I'm not saying it's objectively a good thing to yell at a daughter, but what I'm saying is that it may be normal to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would not be welcomed if you had joined in their conversation with your own opinions. There is nothing you can do about it, other than stay away, in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if one of them had, by any chance, pulled you into their discussion, hoping that you pick their side, it would be wise to stay neutral and try to be as diplomatic as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know them well enough to join in their personal conversation. They don't know you well enough to keep you as an audience. So the best thing would be to leave them alone before they feel like they have to force you out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had similar experiences where I'm caught in the middle of some family or couple's arguments. It is &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; awkward. I try and stay quiet or get away as subtly as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T08:45:19.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2632" CreationDate="2017-08-27T09:38:20.867" Score="-2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Put the situation in a position to avoid him opening up to you in the first place.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately for you, you have some pretty good information. You know he likes you before he's opened up to you. So there's a good way to do this in &lt;em&gt;&quot;the most gentle and least hurting way&quot;&lt;/em&gt; without directly saying it to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Some helpful tips&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NewLoveTimes has written an article named &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.newlovetimes.com/friendzone-guy-without-hurting/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How To Friendzone A Guy Without Hurting Him&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. They offer 8 tips on how to subtly let a guy down gently. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.thehealthsite.com/sexual-health/ways-to-subtly-friendzone-a-guy-without-hurting-his-feelings-v0216/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;TheHealthSite&lt;/a&gt; offer pretty similar tips. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; I've added strikethrough formatting to some of them because from the information you've provided you seem to be already doing them or can't do them currently. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be oblivious&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The most commonly used form of friendzoning, this one is as obvious as it gets without having to make it ‘verbatim obvious!’ Dodge those romantic comments, flirtatious remarks or anything that inches even close to the lover’s lobby. Either use your humor to keep knockin’ off those attempts out the window or be plain ignorant. Whatever you do, never play along with the idea of you two being in any romantic relationship whatsoever, especially when you know the equation is using imaginary/hypothetical elements that will never be true!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;s&gt; Do not send out mixed signals &lt;/s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Stress on how much you value your friendship&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you aren’t (wo)man enough to tell him outright that you aren’t interested in him romantically, t&lt;strong&gt;hen just try and focus on how important he is to you as a friend and how you’d never do anything to jeopardize this friendship&lt;/strong&gt;. Let him know that you cherish the bond you share and that you’d never want to lose it. Once he realizes that pushing matters up the lovers’ lane might result in cutting your friendly trip short, he might understand the risk associated with pressing the matter further and change his mind about pursuing you. However, if he can’t stand the thought of being ‘just friends,’ you should allow him his ache and let him be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(&lt;em&gt;emphasis mine&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;s&gt; Refer to him with safe terms/terms of non-endearment&lt;/s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;s&gt;Limit the ‘talk-time'&lt;/s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;s&gt;Switch off the romantic&lt;/s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;s&gt; Talk about other guys &lt;/s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Offer to set him up&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is a tricky one. You’ve got to do it right without crushing his heart. Make sure you approach the process vis-à-vis gradation. Hang out in a group (which includes the girl you’d like to set him up with), give them a chance to hit it off, follow-up post the meeting, start the teasing, and gauge the responses. Then, pop the offer. You never know what might happen!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a difficult (and awkward for yourself, as you know and he doesn't know you know) situation for both parties involved, so the best way to avoid him &quot;opening up&quot; is to defuse it. (I wasn't too sure on even leaving Tip #8 on there. You're a sentient being, so I'll leave it down to you to choose whether that's a viable option or not.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What If I do that and he still opens up?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, in the same article they have a pretty stern bottom line. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, if he refuses to take the hints and the friendship flares too&#xA;  quickly into a stronger and dangerous territory, it is a good idea to&#xA;  sit them down and tell them, ‘I like you – as a friend. I’m sorry but&#xA;  it would not be anything more!’ be truthful&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Being direct and honest is the best approach.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;But&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, there are also a few things to not only consider throughout the conversation but the aftermath too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;During the conversation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, when the time comes you can't choose where it'll take place. But if you feel the conversation will steer that way, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;make sure you're somewhere private away from friends, or anywhere he'd feel really embarrassed&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. This can lead to resentment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on some of the things said to me during my teen years and to my friends. When you're having the conversation avoid saying things like (some of these are for future readers, too): &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I don't want to be in a relationship&quot; when you do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Maybe someday in the future&quot; - no need for any false hope. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;You mean too much to me as a friend for us to date&quot; - This is a big no no, he'll take that as a cheap tactic to use your friendship to get out of it (when the time came)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;It's not you, it's me!&quot; - This is an outdated classic and simply doesn't work. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Aftermath&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally, he'll be emotionally hurt. There's no light-hearted way. It'd be not only a metaphorical stab to the heart for him, if you've known him for &quot;already many months&quot; but it'll also be a stab to his ego/pride. Here's a couple of things to do after having the dreaded conversation to run your friendship a little smoother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give him some space to heal (but don't completely avoid him). Strange I know, but things will be awkward and you'll have to make the first step into ensuring that everything is cool regardless of the conversation you've just had&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try and avoid discussing it amongst your friends, literally the worst thing for a dude to hear is that it's the centre of conversation amongst the group of friends you're both apart of, if it's &quot;introverted and shy&quot; he might feel a disconnection to the group because of it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just remember, he'll get over it in time. Aslong as you help him through and stick to being friends with him, you're the one who has to steer this situation the way you want it to go in order for you to remain friends. Don't avoid that playful banter you have with the other guys than you do with him, but also don't put too much attention onto not doing it? crazy. I know. It should be fine. I got rejected a few times throughout school and I'm okay (i think?!) now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T03:23:44.810" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T03:23:44.810" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2636" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2637" CreationDate="2017-08-27T09:46:56.523" Score="5" ViewCount="6852" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Example situation&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's suppose Peter and John are arguing about something via instant messaging chat (nobody is getting angry, but John gets way too fast and misinterprets what Peter said):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Peter: I believe step 1 can be easily replaced by more efficient algorithm&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John: I'm afraid the interface does not suit our needs (doesn't have anything to do with step 1, completely disregards it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Peter: I specifically mentioned the step 1, which seems unrelated to the implementation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should John say now, Given that John is in a bad shape, e.g. lack of sleep, tiredness?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;My approach&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John: I apologize for missing the context, I'm not in a good shape these days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this a good idea? When I have done this, people have said that they didn't find it offending at all, though my guess is that it is mutual politeness. Would situation change if it would be verbal communication instead of texting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John and Peter are in work relationships, or possibly they are two SE network users (excluding overcrowded sites like SO). As a result, each side has no idea what country the other is from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, the best way would be to go to sleep, but I spend most of my time on SE, as I find it more entertaining and fun than anything else. I gain invaluable skills too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3052" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T17:31:57.600" Title="Should one apologize if they misunderstood/misinterpreted something in a fast paced discussion?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2636" CreationDate="2017-08-27T10:13:42.213" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It has happened to me at times on Stack Exchange in particular, where I'm discussing something with another user, but I'm too tired and it's very late in my timezone, so my words might appear terse or lacking enough clarity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I did on such occasions is to somehow get back to a previous save point in our discussion if possible, that is, to something which we both sort of understand and agree on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I'd say that it's really late here, and I'll get back to it the next day or later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case I see that the other user is upset with the way I said something, I'd just apologize for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry. I may not have explained it well. I was too tired earlier. Here's what I actually meant to say... (explanation here)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if possible, I'll then write a clearer explanation of my points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is usually in chat rooms. Also, it's not a frequently occurring thing, for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, here in the example provided, John -the tired one- should be the one to apologize for not being clear on his part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T10:24:54.987" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T10:24:54.987" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2639" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2646" CreationDate="2017-08-27T13:02:05.813" Score="5" ViewCount="740" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: I am from Hong Kong, studying in a university.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend's birthday is coming and I prepared a gift for her. In order to actually give her the gift, I have to meet her somewhere on her birthday. However, there is no way to ensure that she turns up on that day. I have thought of several ways to meet her, but none of them appears to work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will have lessons with her on that day, but she often skips lessons. Sometimes I tried to ask her to come to lessons on time, but she wouldn't give me any promise and just slept in. She may also return home and celebrate with her parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to give her a surprise, so telling her I will give her a gift doesn't work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Giving her the gift on the previous/following day is bad.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mailing is not an option because the gift is fragile. (After all, mailing a birthday gift sounds weird?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She will probably eat with her parents on her birthday, and asking her to have dinner together on that day sounds a bit weird (at least from our culture).&#xA;To summarise, I want an elegant way which can let me meet my friend and give her a gift on her birthday, without telling her before.&#xA;Any help would be appreciated.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4332" LastEditorUserId="26" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T18:31:04.913" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T18:31:04.913" Title="How to ensure that I will see my friend on her birthday?" Tags="&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;&lt;hong-kong&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2641" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2626" CreationDate="2017-08-27T13:23:29.347" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;On a similar tone to other answers, I would like to emphasize that cultural differences sometimes play a big role in this. Both my wife and I grew up in Latin America, and our style of discussion usually worries people in North America. We have gotten used to clarify to people, when they look worried about our &quot;fighting&quot;, that we are actually talking Philosophy or a similarly abstract topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2220" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T13:23:29.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2642" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2650" CreationDate="2017-08-27T13:25:06.990" Score="18" ViewCount="4063" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a private piano teacher. I recently accepted a student who has only been living in the US for a couple weeks and does not know English. Her mother sits next to us during the lessons and translates.  I struggle particularly with getting the student's input. Example exchange:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me, to student: This notation is complicated. What do you think he&#xA;  wants you to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mother, to me: Actually, I don't even understand what's going on here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me, to mother: Could you please ask her what she thinks? I'd like to&#xA;  see how she handles it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whereupon the mother translates, and the student plays the passage in question, giving me no way to know if she's being imprecise, or if she doesn't understand the notation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to communicate effectively through the translator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are from China, if it makes a difference. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="241" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T02:21:19.297" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T02:21:19.297" Title="How do I talk to someone through a translator?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-08-27T13:51:28.093" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Because some people simply don't listen to your reasoning, it's better to reason it out in a different way. In this case, the mother (or any close relative) is difficult but still requires patience without losing politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time she brings the subject, try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Raise your hand silently (as a sign of asking &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; for money). If she argues that it's not expensive, reply with &quot;I can't afford it; but seems like it's not expensive for you, so please buy it for me&quot;, with a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the next time you meet her, ask her for money before she brings the subject. Do it several times for some days, then she will probably stop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4336" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T13:51:28.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2587" CreationDate="2017-08-27T13:54:41.007" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Binary pronoun options can also be used, such as &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, without offending, if the context is appropriate. For example, to avoid gendernormative pronoun labeling when you, they and we are in the same room discussing a business report authored by all three of you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sally (yourself): I'm glad this report is ready to distribute to the CEO and task force.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They (your first coauthor): Yes, we all worked very hard, and Ed edited it twice!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ed: it's top notch, and &lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; did quite well with much of the preliminary research so we could get it accomplished so efficiently and accurately.  Without &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt;, we would still be outlining our main goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sally: the meeting starts in five minutes.  Ready?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4338" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T18:14:34.097" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2645" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2639" CreationDate="2017-08-27T14:24:36.347" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The things I did in my life taught me to (try to) be &lt;strong&gt;more flexible.&lt;/strong&gt; I refer specifically to your statement&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Giving her the gift on the previous/following day is bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think that way, you are overly committed to meeting your friend &lt;em&gt;on her birthday&lt;/em&gt; by which you put yourself under a lot of unnecessary pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Life is full of imponderables and @Bradley Wilson in the earlier answer is absolutely right to say that you can't 'ensure' you will meet her on the birthday itself -- especially if the gift is to be a surprise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The flexible choice is to find a way to meet her and give her the birthday gift a day or two &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; the birthday arrives.&lt;/strong&gt; This approach gives you more opportunity and more options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not 'bad', it is 'smart', unless giving a birthday gift a day in advance is specifically forbidden in your culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact this is what &lt;strong&gt;ensures&lt;/strong&gt; that you can personally give her the lovely surprise birthday gift, as you have planned for days to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was very nice to read that you have so thoughtfully 'prepared' the birthday gift for her and I should strongly advise you [not to depend on the vagaries of daily life as applied to the non-certainty of being able to meet her on her birthday, but] to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;give her the gift a day or 2 ahead.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OP's comment gave the following very useful feedback to this answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Usually [here in Hong Kong] we try to give the gift the next day (though suboptimal) if giving it on the birthday is impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks to OP for the necessary and valuable feedback, which clears up the cultural context. But again, the principle of my answer holds, with 'a day in advance' being changed to 'the next day' in accordance with local cultural practices -- the idea of 'flexible' is not to become too anxious about needing to get the gift-giving done within a narrow time frame over which one has no real control, putting oneself under various types of pressure in the process. &lt;strong&gt;The spirit of friendship expressed by gift-giving would be expected to be more significant, than the exact date of giving the birthday gift.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T07:19:07.623" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T07:19:07.623" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2639" CreationDate="2017-08-27T14:42:23.693" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she is a close friend then I would be comfortable to &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Turn up at her home in the morning before she left for the day.  Which perhaps breakfast treat and the gift.  She would need to be close because this, in New Zealand, would be considered stalking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her what her plans are for the day and invite myself along to something.  &quot;That sounds fun, may I join you for that?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Arrange an outing with her that she would love to do such as a cafe on the water front, shopping, or a matinee movie.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Arrange an outing the she would benefit from such as a study session.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, mailing use to be the only cost-effective method of delivering a gift.  In New Zealand it's considered a bit of a treat to get a personal item in the mail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3664" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T14:42:23.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2642" CreationDate="2017-08-27T14:52:15.593" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I appreciate your sporting willingness to teach the student the piano under these challenging circumstances. The success of such communication entirely through a translator in this situation depends very much on&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) the mother's understanding of English being adequate for her to translate your statements/ questions accurately to the student and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) the mutual understanding of musical notation and technical terms across English and Chinese languages in particular, which is essential for the student to comprehend your question and provide appropriate feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that these conditions are satisfactory, accuracy is crucial in the translation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;strong&gt;you can politely request the mother to please translate exactly what you said and precisely relay back to you the student's comments, even if the mother does not understand the musical background of your statements.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, as indicated by @NVZ in a comment, you should also &lt;strong&gt;kindly but firmly encourage the student to learn basic communicative English&lt;/strong&gt; in order to then learn the standard musical vocabulary, but also to be able to communicate with you directly in the near future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T14:58:38.717" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T14:58:38.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2642" CreationDate="2017-08-27T15:29:31.710" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: I know nothing about playing, reading, or teaching music. But I have had to use translators in my work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: Train the mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's helpful to avoid asking as many open-ended questions as possible at first. (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.mediacollege.com/journalism/interviews/open-ended-questions.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Open-ended questions&lt;/a&gt; are those that require more than a yes/no/single word response.) Asking closed-ended questions requires exact translation and will give you an idea of the mother's ability to translate your English precisely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the mother 1. answers for the child, 2. gives you an open-ended answer, or 3. Gives you a longer answer when her daughter's was short, or vs. versa, you know the mother is doing a sub-par job of translating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answers seem to be correct, then this &quot;trains&quot; the mother to translate well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g. Instead of,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This notation is complicated. What do you think he wants you to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This notation is complicated. Do you know what he wants you to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After she answers, (yes, no), give her options (I'm out of my league here, but, e.g.),&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you think he wants you to play softly/louder/quickly/staccato/whatever?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These kinds of questions - especially as they get more difficult - make it pretty easy to assess 1. the mother's understanding of musical notation, and 2. how the mother is translating. Knowing this helps you to prepare for a less frustrating experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Mom is doing a bad job, set a boundary. Appeal to the mother's values if you know them. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In order to give her the best lessons possible, I must ask you to please translate my questions and directions exactly as I phrase them, or your daughter will not make good progress. I need to understand what your daughter thinks/feels/understands about the music.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As @English Student's excellent answer states, getting her to learn to speak English, even if you are doing so initially - &lt;em&gt;This&lt;/em&gt; is &quot;allegro&quot;. (have her repeat.) - it will help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;In the Emergency Room, we would routinely, especially during holidays, get foreigners coming in who spoke no English. There is a medical translation system in place, but it was very frustrating. I remember a Ukrainian couple who brought in their baby, who had a fever. I would ask, &quot;Has she been vomiting?&quot; The translator would ask something short. The mother would launch into a five-minute answer. Then the translator would answer, &quot;No.&quot; How frustrating!&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T17:00:09.343" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T17:00:09.343" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2642" CreationDate="2017-08-27T15:33:35.317" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It's important for the translator to not be part of the conversation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've used a translator many, many times -- for different languages and many circumstances. I've  developed a kind of sense for when a translation is going good or not. If a translation is not going well, you might as well go home. I have had bad translators, and they pretty much waste everybody's time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here are some things I have picked up over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This may be difficult from behind a keyboard. But in case you are able to move around, position yourself so you can face your interlocutor.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Neither one of you should be talking to the translator. Each of you should be looking, talking, and interactive with nonverbal cues to the other -- and not the translator. &lt;em&gt;A common error is to talk to the translator and then have the translator talk to you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say only one sentence at a time. Give the translator time to do their job.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the translator is pausing, you have a problem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have more than a one or two sentence dialog. If there is a translation problem, you will sense it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You apparently are already having one or more of the concepts I outlined. To me that signals the use of a different translator, or some other solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T15:33:35.317" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2651" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2953" CreationDate="2017-08-27T17:16:22.690" Score="15" ViewCount="3107" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have three kittens (around 16 weeks old) and a bearded dragon in our household. The kittens are well fed and looked after because I look after all three of them. &lt;em&gt;I have no qualms with that at all&lt;/em&gt;. They're little dudes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem lies with the fact I have no clue how to look after a bearded dragon nor' do I have experience doing so. So I tend not to get involved too often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see regularly that the water is dirty or that there aren't many locusts in the tank (at this moment, there is only one). The housemate in question (I shall call him Bob for simplicity) only seems to get the water changed either when I remind him that the water is running low (maybe twice a week or when his dad visits maybe once a month). He also said he'd get locusts for the tank last week because I was asking questions about the bearded dragon purposely to hopefully trigger it, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, how often to bearded dragons eat? are they like snakes where they don't have to eat too often? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He replied:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll have to pick some up tomorrow&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but tomorrow was six days ago. I'm worried because I'll be leaving this house soon to move to a new city and taking two of the kittens with me (which I own). Which means there will be one kitten and the bearded dragon left here (which he and his girlfriend Alice own). I couldn't live with myself if I left them without saying anything. Bob has an easy ride because he knows I'll feed them on schedule every day, I just don't want the other kitten to lose that routine or either of them to suffer when I go. I can also imagine because Bob used to live with his parents, they more than likely helped out with it too, this will be (from my own assumption) the first time he's looking after pets on his own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say or do to remind him to ensure that he keeps a sharp eye on his pets? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional information&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We also live with his girlfriend Alice, who'll be staying here and she loves the kittens to bits but is scared of the bearded dragon (so she's in the same boat as me in regards to having no clue what it needs)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have no qualms being direct and upfront with him as I'll be leaving, but I don't want to burn any bridges with either of them, as I would like to check up on the kitten every now and then (I've grown to love him).  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would like to enforce that he doesn't mistreat the animals at all, he's great with the kittens and the bearded dragon, they are very much in a loving home. He's just a bit lazy when it comes to his responsibilities and needs a push in the right direction sometimes. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob had already owned the bearded dragon when he moved in and then we&#xA;got the three kittens together (two mine and one his and his girlfriends)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T15:40:03.557" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T15:52:26.077" Title="How to ask my housemate to take better care of his pets?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2652" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T17:17:26.363" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;By definition, siblings have one or both parents in common with you; a brother or sister. You may have lived with them in your childhood, share phone numbers and know personal details of your lives and enjoy shared activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T17:22:06.667" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T17:22:06.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2653" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T17:17:26.363" Score="0" Body="For questions about interactions with siblings. This includes both biological and step-siblings and any adopted siblings." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T19:00:20.370" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T19:00:20.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2654" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T17:21:00.330" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Use this tag for questions regarding interpersonal-specific terms, including those about differences between similar or easily confused terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To prevent your question from being closed, please make sure that you show research effort and that your question can be objectively answered because these types of questions are prone to be closed as not constructive if poorly written.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:09:20.547" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:09:20.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2655" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T17:21:00.330" Score="0" Body="Questions regarding interpersonal-specific terms. Make sure you show research effort and that your question can be objectively answered." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:23:21.083" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:23:21.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2656" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T17:23:02.200" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Chinese person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:40:51.227" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:40:51.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2657" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T17:23:02.200" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people or culture in Hong Kong." OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:35:32.650" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:35:32.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2658" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T17:25:27.907" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Emiratian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:39:51.697" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:39:51.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2659" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T17:25:27.907" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in the United Arab Emirates or Emirati culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:58:30.703" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:58:30.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2632" CreationDate="2017-08-27T17:43:59.907" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't have much to add. I agree with Bradley's:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Put the situation in a position to avoid him opening up to you in the&#xA;  first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing that you avoid making things awkward between you and &quot;Bob&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that you are not seeing anyone at the moment and I assume there isn't anyone else from your circle of friends that you are interested in. In this case, you could &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask for your friends to help you&lt;/strong&gt;. Keep emphasizing to your other friends that you are not romantically interested in &quot;Bob&quot; (not in his presence) so when and if he mentions you to them, they should try to discourage him by insisting that you only see him as a friend and there is no chance. I do feel this is something your friends could help you with,  unless they all secretly want you to hook up with him.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you seem to enjoy his company, I won't suggest for you to avoid him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If he ended up opening up to you no matter what then there isn't much you can do so not to hurt his feelings. Chances are he will be heart-broken temporarily&lt;/strong&gt;. If that happens, you can say that you are flattered but that &lt;strong&gt;at the moment you are not looking to get romantically involved with anyone from this circle of friends&lt;/strong&gt; but that you still want to stay friends with him if that's something he wants, too. If he does, then bravo to him! Keep in mind, however,  that he might gradually stop showing up.  In this case, it's best to respect his wish and not pressure him to stay friends if he honestly can't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T18:05:27.257" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T18:05:27.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2651" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:15:29.290" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, &lt;strong&gt;people who are good with pets are often found to be confident, empathetic and rich in interpersonal skills.&lt;/strong&gt; Many members will attest to that common observation, and that rather explains your excellent questions and answers here on IPS.SE&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) If Bob is the same type of 'good guy' as you are when it comes to pets then it is theoretically straightforward to communicate your concerns to him. In practice, it would be much easier if he is not an argumentative or defensive type of person. &lt;strong&gt;You could discuss the matter with him in a frank and positive manner&lt;/strong&gt;: as in&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know I am leaving this town soon and I shall miss this kitten and this bearded dragon. I am sure you will take good care of them, but just for my peace of mind, please make it a point to give them timely attention -- not that you wouldn't, of course, but I know how you can be &lt;em&gt;so&lt;/em&gt; busy with your projects at times, etc etc etc&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short you want to make it clear to him in a nice way that &lt;strong&gt;the animals completely depend on him, and you depend on him to take really good care of them.&lt;/strong&gt; That puts a positive burden of responsibility on Bob to 'remember to do the right things at the right time.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) &lt;strong&gt;Also take his GF into confidence if she is the right sort of person for that, and make her 'Bob's supervisor' and your informant &amp;amp; ally in ensuring that Bob takes timely and proper care of the kitten and the bearded dragon.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: A number of detailed articles on &lt;em&gt;how to take proper care of bearded dragons&lt;/em&gt; can be found &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=how+to+care+for+bearded+dragon&amp;amp;client=firefox-b&amp;amp;hl=en&amp;amp;sa=X&amp;amp;as_q=&amp;amp;nfpr=&amp;amp;spell=1&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwiBx-ahifjVAhUhSI8KHYmXAUMQvwUICg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:42:29.823" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:42:29.823" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2664" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:42:13.420" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Polish person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:53:41.977" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:53:41.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2665" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:42:13.420" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Poland or Polish culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:46:46.793" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:46:46.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2666" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:43:51.433" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Brazillian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:50:54.283" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:50:54.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2667" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:43:51.433" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Brazil, or the Brazillian culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:22:56.957" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:22:56.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2668" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:49:34.850" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Bulgarian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:52:58.110" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:52:58.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2669" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:49:34.850" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Bulgaria, or the Bulgarian culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:25:48.463" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:25:48.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2670" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:52:59.190" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:52:59.190" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:52:59.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2671" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:52:59.190" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Sweden, or the Swedish culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T19:25:50.493" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T19:25:50.493" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2672" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:54:07.457" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Swiss person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T21:10:30.680" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T21:10:30.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2673" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:54:07.457" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Switzerland, or the Swiss culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:23:37.663" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:23:37.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2674" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:55:25.017" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:55:25.017" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:55:25.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2675" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:55:25.017" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Mexico, or the Mexican culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:23:58.520" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:23:58.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2676" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:56:59.957" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:56:59.957" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:56:59.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2677" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:56:59.957" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Lebanon or Lebanese culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T19:00:37.970" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T19:00:37.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2678" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:57:55.463" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T18:57:55.463" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T18:57:55.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2679" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T18:57:55.463" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Ireland, or the Irish culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:22:16.650" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:22:16.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2680" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-27T19:00:44.320" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T19:00:44.320" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T19:00:44.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2681" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-27T19:00:44.320" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Iran, or the Irani culture." OwnerUserId="4257" LastEditorUserId="4257" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:25:42.087" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:25:42.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2682" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2629" CreationDate="2017-08-27T19:15:11.843" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone with dietary restrictions I encounter this problem sometimes.  Before &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/2630/106&quot;&gt;trying to explain the problem&lt;/a&gt; to someone who might be merely inattentive, I try to correct the immediate problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Here, I think this is the right spoon for that (handing over a utensil).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person shrugs or says &quot;does it matter?&quot; then I respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For those of us with food allergies, yes.  I'd like to eat this but I can't eat that, so reusing the spoon is a problem for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found &lt;em&gt;making it personal&lt;/em&gt; to be more effective than &lt;em&gt;making an abstract argument&lt;/em&gt; about food safety or allergies.  Especially in the US, a lot of what's said about allergies -- like that someone can't be in the same room as an open bag of peanuts -- sounds implausible to some people.  Those people might hear &quot;because allergies&quot; as being implausible in that way, where meeting a person who actually has the problem makes more of an impact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to be brief (you're in a buffet line, after all), to avoid lectures, and to presume good intentions -- act as if the person accidentally used the wrong spoon, not as if he's a thoughtless clod.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the problem is that the proper utensil isn't available, that's something to take up with the provider.  Even well-intentioned people in a buffet line with four pans and two spoons are going to get it wrong, after all -- they've been put in an impossible situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once the person has used the wrong spoon, you might be out of luck for that particular pan of food (depending on how strict you are) and might have to ask the provider for an untainted serving.  Your brief conversation with the person is for &lt;em&gt;next&lt;/em&gt; time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T19:15:11.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2615" CreationDate="2017-08-27T19:31:53.713" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, you're not obligated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But nor do I like PaulInPerth's example. Cab drivers get paid for gas, wear and tear on their car, depreciation, labor/profit/opportunity cost, extra licensing/insurance, and also the extra risks they take. It's totally different than a friend doing you a favor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[For a shorter answer, please skip to the last paragraph.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I also disagree with Paul about chipping in for gas now. While offering to pay for gas is usually a good idea (more gas than actually needed), I would not &lt;strong&gt;retroactively&lt;/strong&gt; chip in for the gas in this case either, the timing of that gesture, now that you already know he got a ticket for helping you, would send the wrong message. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to the gas, time out of his day, and the inconvenience, he took an extra risk by doing you that favor (and perhaps saved you from asking someone else or saved you from renting a moving truck). That's really what you owe him for, that intangible, not the fact that he got a ticket because of a mistake he made. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plus, there is also the cold hard calculated fact that you might need him to help you with the same thing in the distant future (and he might feel hesitant about that, considering this experience and the fact that his skills as a driver will probably not have improved much by then). And there is also the fact that the few city people I know who own trucks, vans, SUVs, or cars large enough to carry sofas, usually get asked to help others move all the time. And by that, I really do mean all the time, there is even a bumper sticker for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/3b5lN.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/3b5lN.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;&amp;quot;Yes this is my truck. No I won&amp;#39;t help you move.&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally, there is also the income differential. I know this shouldn't matter. But since this brother-in-law is essentially part of your family now, it could. If either he or you are currently unemployed, that traffic violation could prove very expensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But assuming that the income of both your households are ok enough and that this traffic ticket won't break the bank with either of you, this is what I would suggest. Don't pay him. But do arrange to pay him back more subtly in the very near future with a nice dinner for the 3 or 4 of you, or an in-kind gift he might really appreciate, or some other gesture of value that he can't refuse.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T19:49:09.403" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T19:49:09.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2684" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2651" CreationDate="2017-08-27T19:58:58.037" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not that your concerns aren't warranted, but &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; reptiles tend to be lower maintenance pets. Eating and laying around, slowly digesting, is just sort of how the reptiles do...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cleaning and maintaining the terrarium is the trade off though... Many reptiles don't have the sense not to poop in the drinking water...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would handle it like recommending an adjustment in routine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey man, did you water the dragon today? He needs clean water every day, why not just make it apart of your morning ritual? Wake up, make coffee, swap the dragon water? Or you could use the kitten as a reminder, when the kitten whines for food, check on the dragon while you're at it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T19:58:58.037" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2686" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2693" CreationDate="2017-08-27T20:18:50.073" Score="0" ViewCount="1996" Body="&lt;p&gt;A continuation from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2615/should-i-help-pay-for-a-traffic-ticket-someone-got-while-helping-me&quot;&gt;Should I help pay for a traffic ticket someone got while helping me?&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite what people answer in that thread &quot;&lt;strong&gt;You are not obliged to pay the ticket&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;, there's a chance he will be upset and demand payment. Because he's a brother-in-law, I wouldn't want to ruin my relation with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, the fine will take a good amount from our budget, and we can't really afford it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he gets angry and insist on me paying the ticket, what should I answer? I need him to understand it's his responsibility as politely as possible, and avoid having to pay him. &lt;strong&gt;What is the best phrase to answer him?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm not the OP of &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; question. SQB is. I'm merely interested in dealing with people demanding what I have no obligation to give.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T03:18:52.377" Title="How to handle someone's getting angry over things I have no obligation to?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-10-11T22:21:02.630" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2687" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2694" CreationDate="2017-08-27T20:47:21.733" Score="30" ViewCount="8210" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The generic question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Traveling abroad as an American, especially in Europe, how can I know when I'm expected to cheek-kiss someone as a parting gesture?  Is the rule different for men and women?  How do these customs relate to hugging or shaking hands?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question in context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm from the United States, where (at least in my sub-culture) cheek-kissing is generally not performed between anyone who isn't either family-related or romantically involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the sake of this answer, I would appreciate any perspective, not just Canadian, although that is the perspective through which this particular interaction took place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was on a trip through Europe with a friend and met three French Canadians from Montreal.  When we first met, I believe all greetings were limited to shaking hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a male American, my traveling companion was a platonic female friend, and the Canadian friends we met were two men and one woman.  Their native language was French and their English was fluent but with clear French accents (I'm not sure if this is important or not, I just want to establish the level to which I believe they are versed in French culture).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The five of us spent several days getting meals together and going out for fun until we parted ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Upon saying goodbye, I hugged the two men (where I come from, this is common among males you have become close with, and I don't believe there was any discomfort among them), and was approaching the woman for a hug as well but was caught off guard when she performed cheek-kissing.  I adjusted my demeanor in time to reciprocate, but I was left wondering how I should have anticipated that moment and behaved appropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wikipedia writes this about cheek-kissing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cheek kissing&lt;/strong&gt; is a ritual or social kissing gesture to indicate friendship, family relationship, perform a greeting, to confer congratulations, to comfort someone, to show respect, or to indicate sexual or romantic interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cheek kissing is very common in Southern, Central and Eastern Europe, the Mediterranean, the Middle East, the Horn of Africa and Latin America.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What social strategies can I use to know when this is expected so that I can avoid coming off awkwardly while traveling? It seems like the social gesture is confined to &amp;quot;friends&amp;quot; based on the description from Wikipedia, and we had only known the group for several days, but I still consider them &amp;quot;friends,&amp;quot; however I was unsure if that was the level of friendship that warrants cheek-kissing, or if it is usually performed among close, long-term friends. &lt;strong&gt;Or&lt;/strong&gt; is it expected even among acquaintances?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3042" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-03-19T14:58:38.600" Title="As an American abroad, how do I know when cheek-kissing is an appropriate way to say goodbye?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;&lt;physical-contact&gt;&lt;saying-goodbye&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2536" CreationDate="2017-08-27T21:01:50.560" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Actually it depends upon the money they owe you. If it s not significant or you have a sufficient income stream so the amount owed will not affect you then just forget about the debt especiall f the person is a good friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, when the person asks for a loan just explain to the person that you do not have sufficient funds. The alternative is to have him wrote a promissory note, the date the person wile repay you and make sure the person signs it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4354" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T21:01:50.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2615" CreationDate="2017-08-27T21:02:38.410" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with StephanB here. Your BIL has gone out of his way for your benefit, and he is worse off because of it. There is an old saying that &quot;No good deed goes unpunished&quot;, and he is probably feeling it.&#xA;Here's another saying: &quot;If you think nobody loves you, buy a truck&quot; and &quot;Truck owners don't have friends - just acquaintances with furniture to move&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially if he does not expect it, you will do yourself a favour by making him feel that he came out of helping you a winner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4355" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T21:02:38.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2686" CreationDate="2017-08-27T21:06:17.847" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The short answer: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can not control other people's emotions. If you try to do that, those people are effectively controlling you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a longer answer and one that contains actionable advice: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly recommend &lt;a href=&quot;http://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0553263900&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;When I Say No, I Feel Guilty&lt;/a&gt; by Manuel J. Smith. That book will teach you how to become assertive and how to stand your ground. Just don't pay attention to its title, it's not very accurate, but do read its Amazon customer reviews. As cliché as this sounds, that book changed my life. It also needs to be read backward. The example transcripts are at the end. The beginning was too theoretical for me, without reading the transcripts and the advice first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to that book, assuming that the other OP followed my previous &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2615/should-i-help-pay-for-a-traffic-ticket-someone-got-while-helping-me/2683#2683&quot;&gt;advice&lt;/a&gt; and his brother-in-law still gets angry with him. I would look for another underlying issue. Perhaps, the brother-in-law doesn't have the money to pay the fine but he's too proud to admit it, or perhaps he doesn't approve of the marriage to his sister, or perhaps that is his personality type, he does all kinds of favors for his family members and friends but is often taken for granted by all of them (which could be a simmering issue years in the making).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Out of those three issues, I would just make sure that he is not concealing money troubles. The rest of those issues are not my problem. Even the money trouble is not my problem, but if he really got a traffic ticket when he helped me move and he doesn't have the money to pay for it, and assuming I did have that money, I would pay for it myself (even though I wasn't obligated to).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T21:11:54.997" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T21:11:54.997" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2694" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2687" CreationDate="2017-08-27T21:07:15.570" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have lived in France for roughly 25 years, and from experience, I can tell you that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You never know for sure if you have to cheek-kiss.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even the French don't know if, in case you cheek-kiss, you do it 2, 3 or 4 times: it depends on the part of the country you're in (but it's 1 in Belgium).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You usually do that only with close friends or family. But it happens also at the workplace too, check the &lt;em&gt;local rules&lt;/em&gt; if you get there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's more towards women than men, even though male friends sometimes do that too.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is: &lt;strong&gt;let the woman choose&lt;/strong&gt;. Step friendly towards her, prepare your hand, so she sees what you intend to do, and she'll tell you what she prefers. And respect her choice as she should respect yours, of course :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to men, prepare to shake hands most of the time, don't be surprised if he offers a hug or a cheek-kiss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: hugs are not really custom, even amongst family members. This applies either for greetings or good bye. FWIW: on trips/studies/work/vacation in UK, Italy, Spain, Germany and Switzerland, I never had to cheek-kiss anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-27T21:27:14.573" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T21:27:14.573" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2642" CreationDate="2017-08-27T21:14:34.013" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a safety-critical position in inner London. Given the multiculturality around there, we quite often get children or sometimes entire families who speak no English and who we have to use a translator for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note: this works just as well for non-verbal translators, such as sign language, as it does for verbal translators - though I tend to find that SL translators just translate while you talk as opposed to waiting for you to finish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore the translator.&lt;/strong&gt; Okay, maybe not &lt;em&gt;ignore&lt;/em&gt;, but the point is that you're interacting with the student, not the translator, and the translator is just there to facilitate that. This works better with professional translators than it does with family, because family will naturally want to get involved, but the aim is to get the translator to &lt;em&gt;at least&lt;/em&gt; translate first and ask questions later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Look for non-verbal cues.&lt;/strong&gt; Body language and facial expression are great answers to yes/no (and a few other short-answer) questions; look for them. Those cues enable you to move faster by not having to work through the translator for everything; that ends up being less frustrating for you and the student.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You can also think about phrasing your questions to gear them more towards yes/no answers, but that may not always be helpful for teaching.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="88" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T21:14:34.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2696" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2687" CreationDate="2017-08-27T22:19:58.593" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my own experience, this is not black or white. I will agree that if you aren't sure, let the other person make the first move. You can politely extend your hand to be on the safe side. You can't go wrong with a handshake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or is it expected even among acquaintances?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Not necessarily&lt;/strong&gt;, even though people usually expect for reciprocation. So, if they hug you, hug them back, if they kiss you kiss them back.That said, I don't think a woman would get offended if you don't kiss her back the first time around. This really depends on how comfortable you feel around that person and how they feel around you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I have cheek-kissed the men as well as the women?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Usually no&lt;/strong&gt; and not if it's the first time you meet them.  If you are initiating the greeting then I would say a handshake is fine. A man shouldn't get offended if you don't cheek-kiss them first! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some other common greetings among men in Southern Europe include hugging or a pat on the back. (It's usually older men or relatives who cheek-kiss from my experience).&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;If a man cheek-kisses you first, you can either kiss them back, touch their cheek with yours, or reciprocate with a kiss in the air or don't kiss them.&lt;/strong&gt; You have plenty of options! It doesn't matter that much (to men). &lt;strong&gt;If cheek-kissing a man makes you feel uncomfortable don't do it&lt;/strong&gt;. I should point out that cheek-kissing among men is not that common in general, sometimes even among friends. In fact, in some regions it might even be best to avoid it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I have known that the woman would expect cheek-kissing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes and no.&lt;/strong&gt; With women it's usually expected to cheek-kiss back if you have been cheek-kissed. But on the other hand it depends on the woman. &lt;strong&gt;It's best to let her kiss you first to avoid misunderstandings.&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;If you are initiating the greeting, you can either give a handshake or a hug if it's the first time. If you know the women and you feel friendly and warm towards them and they have cheek-kissed you in the past, kiss them back. &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;With women, it's usually considered more polite to reciprocate the same way.&lt;/strong&gt; IF a woman gives you a handshake she probably prefers to keep it that way for now in which case, I wouldn't encourage you to kiss her on the cheek. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helped. You seem to have done some research yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T22:19:58.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2686" CreationDate="2017-08-27T22:20:39.627" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;By taking the other OP's question into its logical extension you have (maybe unknowingly) used the specific real-world example of another question to illustrate your own more general question, @Vylix, which is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to handle someone's getting angry over things I have no obligation to? (...)  I'm merely interested in dealing with people demanding what I have no obligation to give.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is conceptually problematic for members trying to formulate an answer, because &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; asked the question but the example quoted (which is not your 'actual interpersonal problem' for this question) belongs more or less specifically to SQB's case. However &lt;strong&gt;your good intentions are clear and much appreciated&lt;/strong&gt;, so I shall ignore the example entirely and answer your general question with this more general answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even when you are technically not obligated to do something in a particular interpersonal situation, the other person's response (getting angry, here) is influenced by his/her &lt;strong&gt;personal expectations&lt;/strong&gt; which in turn have a strong social or cultural conditioning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since no man is an island and this person is presumably close to you, with substantial ties of blood, kinship or friendship, you need to be tactful while trying to convince them of your point of view which clashes with theirs', &lt;em&gt;but also need&lt;/em&gt; to decide whether it might be better to &lt;strong&gt;purchase peace&lt;/strong&gt; through compromise in order to maintain socially significant and potentially valuable relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Frank and honest discussion with the person would usually clear up misunderstandings&lt;/strong&gt;, but there are many issues where one brother-in-law and the other or one friend and the other will stick to diametrically opposite opinions of what constitutes obligation. In such situations you can &lt;em&gt;win an argument and lose a friend&lt;/em&gt;, which is a useless deal IMHO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this is what I suggest: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if the person remains angry and unconvinced despite your best efforts&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to make them understand that you were not obligated to do 'the thing they expected', then you should &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) do what they want you to do, if it is not financially or otherwise damaging for you, in order to purchase peace and salvage the relationship;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2)if it cannot be done, make it clear that you cannot do it &lt;em&gt;right now&lt;/em&gt;, stating genuine and pressing reasons, but offer to 'make it up' in other ways later;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) Or else you can take the extreme step of antagonizing the person and dealing with all the social and personal problems arising from that decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two pertinent examples from India:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) India has the '&lt;strong&gt;co-brother&lt;/strong&gt;' kinship term for the special relationship of mutual support and dependence between men who are sons-in-law of the same father-in-law: there is a strong social and cultural expectation that co-brothers will substantially help each other in need, &lt;em&gt;even if they are not responsible for the situation&lt;/em&gt;, so much so that it becomes an ethically binding family obligation, not legally enforceable but sanctified by tradition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these circumstances, a person will help his co-brother in need even when it is very difficult or even financially ruinous for him to do so, purely to avoid the co-brother's 'justified anger' and  also the widespread social stigma attached to 'not fulfilling his expected obligation.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) Similarly an Indian man in many communities is also expected to unconditionally help his brother-in-law who is his &lt;strong&gt;sister's husband&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;'in the interests of the sister's happiness,'&lt;/em&gt; but in an apparent paradox which is really a strong reflection of social patriarchy, the sister's husband &lt;strong&gt;does not have nearly the same burden of obligation&lt;/strong&gt; to help his wife's brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T00:53:04.787" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T00:53:04.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="511" CreationDate="2017-08-27T22:54:46.977" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In India we have an established social code for this, which you might consider –  non-disposable food containers are returned with some edible items inside, and never returned empty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make a simple sweet dish / dessert (for example a cupcake) which you'd like to share, and return the container with it inside. If feasible, I think this is an elegant solution on many levels - it returns the favor in a small way, says thank you, and allows one to return the containers without doubt or embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4357" LastActivityDate="2017-08-27T22:54:46.977" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2699" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2718" CreationDate="2017-08-28T00:28:31.383" Score="176" ViewCount="67774" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm German, in my mid-20s and currently living together with my girlfriend without kids. I earn a fairly good salary for my age compared to other family members and was always a saver (cheap car, no expensive vacations, ...) to fulfil my &lt;strong&gt;ultimate&lt;/strong&gt; life goal of buying a house (real estate) for myself. Recently I also inherited some money which I of course also want to spend on my house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, some of my (close) family members (like my sister/her husband and partly my mother) can't handle their own money/income that well (at least this is my impression, of course, this view is biased). They spend money on stuff that I never would spend so much money on (e.g. leisure time, amusement parks, vacation together with their kids). It is also not that they are poor. They have a very good double income.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regularly they ask me for a loan to pay their stuff &lt;em&gt;because they can't&lt;/em&gt;. The amount of money they owe me is getting higher and higher. Of course, I want to help my family in critical life situations, but not to let them live their dream life while I lose money to invest into my future house. If I try to say no, they come up with sentences like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; that new car because we both have jobs (one of the parents could easily travel by bike)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get old enough to have kids, then you will understand&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't even need your own money&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We need a cleaning lady because I can't handle it alone&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually, I'm giving them the loan because I don't want to be seen as a complete mug.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some bigger cases, I have a valid, written contract. For smaller amounts, I usually said to them to add this to the final volume of the money lent. They started paying back but stopped quietly (!) doing so for some months until I asked them to start paying again (and they did). I could have cancelled the contract (because there's a clause for this case), but eventually I didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have interest rates, far lower than from a bank and also including an agreement for regular payments, which they have not fulfilled all the time. Because they didn't, the interest rate being so low caused the whole loan to be a negative game for me because of inflation. I am in no way wealthy, I just have above-average savings and earnings which I currently don't spend to save on my life goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, this pattern of behavior has set a bad example for my nephew: he is now asking me for a loan. His own mother can't lend him any money because the next vacation is already booked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to avoid being seen as a cash cow in my family without being seen as a grasping and unhelpful person? My goal is to not give them any more money in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;A thing I always ask myself is whether the problem I have is really on my own side and it should be okay for family members to ask for money even for non-critical stuff.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Responses to comments&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did you get anything written down? Or does the exact amount and even the fact that they did loan any money at all come down to your and their memory (or conscience)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some bigger cases I have a valid, written contract. For smaller amounts I ususally said to them to add this to the final volume of the lent money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are they actually paying back any of the &amp;quot;loans&amp;quot;? How much total money do they owe you? €5k 10k 20k?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes and no. They started paying back but stopped quietly doing so for some months until I asked them to start paying again (and they did). I could have cancelled the contract (because there's a clause for this case), but eventually I didn't. The total money lent is more than 10k.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are those loans with agreed interest and regular payments, or just &amp;quot;pay me back when you can&amp;quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have interest rates, far lower than on a bank and also regular payments, which they did not fullfil all the time. Because they didn't, the interest rate so low caused the whole loan to be a negative game for me because of inflation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4360" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T21:30:40.677" Title="How to avoid being seen as a cash cow by my family?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="20" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="28" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2700" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T01:10:06.150" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, separate the money from the relationships. They are two separate issues. I don't think you want a relationship with them that is only based on getting money from you. You will be seen as a &quot;cash cow&quot; if you just hand over money without certain specifics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, you need to identify the &lt;strong&gt;specific&lt;/strong&gt; reasons they need money, and should be restricted to emergencies or other non-avoidable obligations, to the extant that you are comfortable about the necessity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, make payments for them, don't just give them the money. For example, if they need money to pay a doctor bill, have them hand you the bill and you pay it. This focuses on the need, rather than an &quot;excuse&quot; they might give you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This also prevents (for example) your giving them money for a doctor bill and their using it to buy a Playstation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourth, make sure they are clear on whether you want to be reimbursed, and if so how. Meeting this requirement should be a basis for any future borrowing. Emphasize &quot;borrowing&quot; unless you intend it to be a gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you handle money well, I think you know that it requires a certain logic and responsibility, but some people don't seem to have such skills, for whatever reason. But that is no excuse.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might even offer to help some of them manage their money, if your relationship would support it. Better to help them rather than the current situation. I suppose some people can't manage money because they never had to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastEditorUserId="1720" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T01:17:29.807" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T01:17:29.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T01:17:14.580" Score="66" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's possible that your family will see you as a &quot;cash cow&quot; until your udders go dry (when you buy your house and go into some debt yourself, or have other financial responsibilities, like children.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's time to start setting boundaries with your family. Expect them to balk, and loudly. But if you truly want to reach your own goals, this needs to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to finally end up where you &lt;strong&gt;don't loan money to people&lt;/strong&gt;. It causes resentment, awkwardness and sometimes ruins relationships. But you can start by saying that you'll lend no more money until the previous loans you made are paid back in full. That puts the ball squarely in their court. If they say, &quot;But I can't pay you back! I need money for this/that!&quot; Your reply is, &quot;I need money, too; I'm saving for a house. I can't keep lending money I won't ever get back.&quot; That steers them away from calling these exchanges loans, and exposes them for what they are: handouts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you stick to your guns, they'll stop asking for loans. If they ask you for a handout, tell them you'll be happy to help when the loans are paid back. If you think it's a worthwhile cause, gift them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's someone who has never asked you for money before, figure out how much you'd be willing to &lt;em&gt;give&lt;/em&gt; them, and present the money as a gift. Gifts are usually smaller than loans, and there's no expectation to pay it. One or two gifts per person certainly takes you out of the realm of &quot;grasping and unhelpful.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A thing I always ask myself is whether the problem I have is really on my own side and it should be okay for family members to ask for money even for non-critical stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That depends on a lot of factors, especially the amount of disparity between what you make and what they make. If your education is key to your earnings, and your parents put you through college, you may be morally indebted to them to a degree, but parents usually don't ask for such assistance until they are aged/infirm/run out of retirement funds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were wealthy, you would already own property, so I'm assuming you don't make 20 times what they do. If you were wealthy, I think some gifts would be appropriate. But the way it is presented here, I think you're well within the bounds of common decency to stop the handouts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T01:17:14.580" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T01:18:21.180" Score="130" Body="&lt;p&gt;This reminds me of a short story in Mandarin, roughly translated as such:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A guy always gave a handout to a beggar near his home. When he was single, he gave five dollars. After he married, he gave three dollars. Once he had his first child, he reduced the handout to one dollar. When that happened, the beggar yelled angrily : &quot;How could you give my money to your wife and child?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, people always take things for granted. They rarely appreciate what you have done, such as lending a helping hand; yet they will always remember that one time when you turned them down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1. Stop lending them any money until the previous debt is cleared.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's done is done. If they intended to pay the debt, they would have done so long ago. Just treat it as a total loss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, somehow the relationship is totally &quot;cut off&quot; when it comes to loans. It rarely solves the underlying problem, and further worsens the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. Only provide your help if is needed.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Self explanatory. You make the call whether the stated goal is a &quot;want&quot; or an urgent &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3. Tell them your reason to refuse.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a good talk with your family members about your reason to refuse (buying property). If they still shrug off your reason with sentence such as &quot;get old enough to have kids, then you will understand&quot;, do remember that your life is your own, and your goals do not count less simply because it does not align with their views.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to learn the art of rejection. Even you knows it will leads to burnt bridges, and rocky relationships. Is on you to decide whether the broken relationship or your money are more valuable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not mean to imply that the OP's family are beggars, I am just offering my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3285" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T17:48:45.380" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T17:48:45.380" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T01:22:30.017" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Perhaps consider to gently, but firmly, break the expectation that your family can come to you for money.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The artwork is in how to do this. Family history and context is complex, and is something that only you can work out. My meager attempt here could serve only as the seed of an idea that you can work into your relationships with your family members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've studied enough financial theory to clearly see how expectations drive what people perceive as possible. Unfortunately, I think there is now a financial expectation placed on your shoulders that you would like to now change. That will probably not be easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look at your own finances and see what you can give to your family members as a &quot;final loan&quot;. Since you did not mention anyone in your family actually making a loan payment back you to you, I will assume the loans are of the permanent type. Additionally, if things continue as they are without change, you can expect another appeal for funds. There will be an expectation for the &quot;credit line to grow&quot;. &lt;strong&gt;You may need to placate that expectation and establish another one in its place.&lt;/strong&gt; Make your final loan advance, and unequivocally state that this is the &lt;em&gt;last loan advance&lt;/em&gt;. Now you have set the new expectation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Enforce the new expectation by politely saying no to any requests to increase the line of credit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You did state that you are available to help the family in a true emergency. If you have not already done so, you may want to consider that eventuality in your long-term plans -- as in setting aside money &quot;for that rainy day&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If your budget allows for this, you may consider making that final loan on your own initiative without being prompted. This will further signal to the recipients that this is not business as usual. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would ask you to always ensure that your mother is always taken care of. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T01:22:30.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2705" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T02:07:45.090" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You will probably not like what I have to say, however, my gut says that you want an honest assessment and solution.   If you are sensitive or get angry quick, stop reading here.  You are probably very smart and already know what I am going to say...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not play their game&lt;/strong&gt; by engaging them: they will make you feel guilty, then  you will loan them the money and perpetuate the cycle.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, &lt;strong&gt;practice&lt;/strong&gt; saying no and provide no reason other than all your money is allocated.  DO NOT EXPLAIN THE ALLOCATION   You control whether YOU lend money: it's up to you.  In the end, it's your decision to lend money that perpetuates the cycle that now extends to your nephew...  BTW,  DO NOT EXPLAIN THE ALLOCATION.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, why not ask them every time you see them for $100 to start paying you back?  You would be well within your rights and maybe this would stop them from bugging you for money&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3165" LastEditorUserId="3165" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T02:14:12.023" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T02:14:12.023" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2642" CreationDate="2017-08-28T02:55:52.617" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Suppose the student's name is Li.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask the mother to meet with you or speak with you on the phone outside the lesson.  Start with some short positive remark about Li.  Then ask her if she's familiar with &amp;quot;first person interpretation.&amp;quot;  If she isn't, then explain and give an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Here's one possible example: Patient: My back pain started a year ago right after my mother died.  Interpreter (in the target language):  My back pain started a year ago right after my mother died.  As opposed to &amp;quot;Her back pain started a year ago right after her mother died.&amp;quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain that first person interpretation will permit the student to progress the fastest.  Explain that her daughter is so talented, you want to focus on her 100% during the lessons.  &amp;quot;I need your help, to enable Li to take center stage during her lessons.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Establish a way for the mother to be able to communicate with you regularly outside the lesson time, for example, through email, or a short bi-weekly phone call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Establish a boundary by having the student work with you for the first part of the lesson, without the mother being in the room.  Explain this also outside the lesson.  You could say, for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To help Li take center stage in her lessons, I'm going to ask you to wait to come into the studio until we are about 15 minutes into the lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is still having trouble getting the hang of it, assert yourself, as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: This notation is complicated. What do you think the Chopin wants you to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mother: Actually, I don't even understand--&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me (interrupting, with brief eye contact to mother): Excuse me.  (Then turning gently to student): This notation is complicated. What do you think the Chopin wants you to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you see?  No explanation should be given to the mother at this time. You could think of this as gentle broken-record mode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as you see some progress in the mother, make sure to give brief but warm positive feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It helps to keep your communication with the mother during lessons as nonverbal as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a small trick you might need to use: when they are first coming in, you could cough a few times, and then hand an empty water bottle to the mother, asking her to fill it for you in the bathroom.  Having her out of the room for two seconds right at the beginning can help to a surprising degree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, get a different interpreter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T02:55:52.617" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="634" CreationDate="2017-08-28T03:26:40.013" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming your friend's girlfriend is known to be toxic, always take the high road. Never criticize his girlfriend or try to convince him that she's toxic. This will only make him defensive of her. Trying to drive a wedge between him and her is like telling a smoker they should quit. The smoker may realize it is bad for their health, but they're still unwilling to part with their comfort. Invite her to the party and treat her like you would any other good friend. If she &quot;ruins&quot; the party or acts in a toxic manner while you and other party goers are treating her fairly, your friend will have nobody to blame but her for any drama caused. Without a scapegoat, he'll be more likely to consider the negatives of his relationship with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every humiliation from the scenes she causes without any sign of provocation will drive these negatives home and once they outweigh the benefits and other options (introducing him to other female acquaintances) will likely seal the deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4367" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T04:26:59.307" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T04:26:59.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2686" CreationDate="2017-08-28T03:38:41.227" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be honest with him. He may be angry at you for a while, but any reasonable person will at least respect you being up front and polite about it. If he continues to hold a grudge or direct anger toward you, it's likely he may have some emotional problems or be projecting anger about other problems in his life onto you. If you have done this, you should not let yourself feel guilty. You conveyed your feelings in an assertive manner and if he cannot accept them in an adult manner, the onus is on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4367" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T03:38:41.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2709" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2636" CreationDate="2017-08-28T03:48:57.113" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One friend once started our problematic conversation over again with the phrase, &quot;I'm afraid I'm not communicating well today&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;English is well suited to explain many levels of understanding and misunderstanding. All that is needed for etiquette is a willingness to put such words together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T03:48:57.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2536" CreationDate="2017-08-28T03:51:49.317" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends entirely upon what you value most in your life. In any relationship, there is always someone giving more than receiving at some point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes this changes over time (eg. you were in a bind for a time, but years later the reverse became true). Other times it remains one-sided.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even a one-sided relationship can remain functional if the giver gets some non-material value from it (be it comeraderie, entertainment, insight, or seeing your friend improve with your help). If you find that this friend is really more of a &quot;friend&quot; that is knowingly taking advantage of you and mooching off of you, then you may need to consider if this person is still worth your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I leave you with this: &lt;strong&gt;material possessions are replaceable, but good friends are rare&lt;/strong&gt;. If you value this person, then the material cost would be negligeable compared to the benefit. If you find that this person has gone from being a friend to simply a parasite, then you may need to have a serious talk and at worst consider finding a new friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4367" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T10:58:13.130" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T10:58:13.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-28T04:00:42.397" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Big up-vote for You Don't but there is more. Even if the subjects at hand were trivial the issue is they are dismissing her, not her opinions but herself. This is the reason it is important and impossible for you to fix. Their opinions are not built on good sense or keen insight but their long standing opinion of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She tells them what she is doing and that it is difficult for her, never mind who else, she has a tough time doing it. I'm sure there is nothing she could do that would make them say wonderful things about her. Except perhaps to shut up, get a man and have some kids. [Note: I am the least P.C. on this list but this sounds about right.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T04:00:42.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2713" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2534" CreationDate="2017-08-28T04:12:29.450" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Faking it is not outside the limits of polite interaction. It is also useful to ask them to remind you &quot;What were we talking about last time?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyone you do need to know should be made aware to some extent of your difficulty. Once I am familiar with my ever changing office mates I will let them in on my mild synesthesia which can make a difference on our work together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The T.V., movie and radio star Red Buttons would often move through crowds of people saying to each one, &quot;Good to see you again!&quot; This would flatter those that had met him (some he neither recognized nor expected to) and pass over the heads of those who had never met him making them feel that they just had.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T04:12:29.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2714" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2717" CreationDate="2017-08-28T04:15:00.823" Score="14" ViewCount="6913" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I was denied an application to work as a teacher's assistant for my school. My friend also applied, and he was denied too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend calls me, and asks me if I got the role or not. Before I could answer the question and tell him I didn't, he says the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I know you did. After all, you help out so much on the online discussion board and have so many contributions to the class, there's no way you didn't get it. I'm going to help out more now so I can get that TA role next time&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tell my friend I didn't check my results yet, and would contact him later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now here's what I don't know what to do about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I tell him yes, then he will decide to help out more on the online discussion boards (which is what I want, helping is good, I want him to assist others when he can). But also, during the semester, he will see that I am not actually working, and realised that I lied to him this entire time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I tell him no, he will get the idea that &quot;no matter how much you help out around class, you will still not get the TA role&quot;, and this will discourage him from helping others because the motivation is lost if he cannot secure a TA role. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if I tell him yes, and he finds out that I was lying, then he eventually will stop helping out others because &quot;what's the point, if my friend helped out this much and didn't get the role, how can I?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see, I want him to help out others, and participate more in online discussions since he is very smart and spreading knowledge and assisting others is something great, essentially what the Stack Exchange network is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, whether I say no or yes, I still don't know what to say, as they both end up with him discouraged not to participate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2263" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T02:11:02.147" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T01:04:44.730" Title="Should I lie to my friend if it inspires him to do something good?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2017-10-13T07:14:45.847" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2714" CreationDate="2017-08-28T04:35:13.260" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it makes any difference whatever you tell him, why the confusion? &lt;strong&gt;Be honest then.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are what you're worried about (him being discouraged from helping the class)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;won't happen&lt;/strong&gt; and you both can earn your way to the assistant position again next time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;or it happens&lt;/strong&gt;, he become discouraged, and stop helping, but you are honest with him and &lt;em&gt;prevent other awkward situation&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly believe that I &lt;strong&gt;should not lie&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;whatever&lt;/em&gt; situation I am in. Tactfully revealing the truth is fine, but &lt;strong&gt;no lying.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T09:19:36.620" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T09:19:36.620" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2714" CreationDate="2017-08-28T04:54:13.890" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Discouragement is natural. You're both in the &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;same boat&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, so tell him you didn't get it. If he gets discouraged about helping out, why don't you inspire him by &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;setting an example&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;? That no matter what, you'll still help out on the discussion boards to keep trying to get the TA role, regardless. He obviously feels it contributes to getting the role, so he may join you. You could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's both keep on trying and help out on the discussion boards from now on regardless of the outcome, this is only a small bump in the road. If we keep going, one of us will get it! Either way, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;we're still helping&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently have been applying for roles for companies all over the UK for the dream role I'd like to get, I had 10 failed interviews (8 being final), I traveled hundreds of miles. One of the interviews I even had to cello-tape a mobile device to a laptop because the laptop didn't have a webcam. This was over the course of a year. But, I've got a role at a massive company (and start next month) and couldn't be happier. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Dedication is key&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and if you try to get both of you dedicated, the chances of success are higher. So no, don't lie but inspire anyway!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T09:25:47.183" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T09:25:47.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T05:17:16.157" Score="252" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm very sorry but your loans are in fact gifts.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you describe is actually you filling the gap in their spending pattern. That gap will not close, ever. Consecutive 'loans' without mention of previous debts or payback means no payback is intended by the 'loaner'. Your money is lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don't worry about politeness.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently your money is theirs. And their problems are yours as well. Have any of them helped you out? Money wise or otherwise? Reading your story I highly doubt that. The relationship therefore becomes abusive. After the first bad loan the next is actually an insult. At the very least calling it a loan is a lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Be clear. Be brave. It will be nasty.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very clearly communicate that no more money will come, ever. You will be yelled at. Vilified. You may be shunned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that things will go to normal again, or not. In any case you will have removed the lie from your life. Painful it is, but emotional blackmail in the end is more expensive. It plays on a relationship that from your point of view actually does not exist. It frees you to live your own life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One little warning. This scenario will block you from ever borrowing money from your relatives. Big risk that? I think not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Stress-free salvaging.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you have written off the loans in your head, bundle the headache file a.k.a loan register and head off to a well-liked family member that is trusted by all. Delegate loan retrieval. Possibly for a small fee. Communicate the weight on your soul so this trusted one will get to it in a firm yet human way. This will also put paid to any postponement arguments because you yourself are no longer involved. If nothing comes from this, no matter. &lt;em&gt;Anything more that nothing is a gift, back.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;And then forget all about it for, say, one year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Leave it all behind.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then after that year make up the balance. Either extend the retrieval or finalize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How? Throw a Family Bash!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Invite the whole family. Ask everyone involved in the story above to pitch in with tasty (signature?) dishes, arranging silverware, large barbecues, whatever takes your fancy, and have an epic family happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure it is low cost, high fun. Summer/outside location, home made food, the works. This will go a long long way in strengthening the positive side of family, of standing strong together. It creates good memories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also creates a milestone, a watershed if you will to leave negatives behind in the past. Your choice to either underplay that or to symbolically burn the ledger. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T08:18:01.063" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T08:18:01.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2719" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2812" CreationDate="2017-08-28T05:20:05.393" Score="61" ViewCount="25194" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may be a generational thing.  I was taught that the caller always identified himself first.  The person answering says &quot;hello&quot;, to establish that contact has been made, but is under no obligation to identify herself. She is at home, minding her own business, and has been interrupted in what she was doing by the caller.  It is the caller's obligation to identify him/herself first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Caller: Hello, this is ab2.  May I speak to yz2, please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With close friends, who recognize your voice over the phone, one could be a little more informal:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, Mrs. Smith.  This is a, may I speak to y, please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were calling from a company or an office, you'd be more formal:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is ab2 from IBM Corporation.  I'd like to talk to yz2 in Quantum &#xA;  Computing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the calls I get now, except from close friends, start out by briskly asking me who I am (Note that ab2 is now the callee; above she was the caller):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this ab2?  I need to talk to ab2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To which I reply; &quot;Who is this please?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frequently the caller will, after a start of surprise, identify him or herself. But some don't.  They make another try to get ab2 on the line before giving  any information about themselves.  They seem to think they are too important and too rushed to waste time talking to someone who is not their target. I  will usually make another attempt to find out who the caller is, but if they insistently ask for ab2, I hang up.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am perfectly content with the way I handle the calls.  &lt;em&gt;They are never important.&lt;/em&gt; But I am curious as to when and why this home-invasion model of phone calls developed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T16:03:16.130" LastActivityDate="2020-07-30T17:44:40.563" Title="Who should identify themself first on the phone: the caller or the person called?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2720" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2744" CreationDate="2017-08-28T05:35:53.300" Score="21" ViewCount="5629" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm transitioning to the father role which is not going great. I'm facing the fact that I have less time now to follow my personal interests like watching soccer games on weekends. My wife is constantly pushing me to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;spend more time with the kid&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand her desires and agreed with them, but the need to totally throw away my own personal space makes me frustrated time and time again. And that leads to conflicts as the things we are forced to do are not enjoyable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So the question is:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to discuss with my wife that I really need some time to my interests? How to approach this time inside the family? Is it right to have a schedule for work/personal/family? How to make this schedule to work and align it with wife's and kid's desires? How to organize that inside the family? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the community tells that the parent should spend time with the kid but does it means the &lt;em&gt;whole&lt;/em&gt; time? &lt;strong&gt;I don't want to be a bad father. I love my kid and my wife.&lt;/strong&gt; I understand the need of sacrifices for the family needs. But still, I'm really frustrated. Maybe it is a sign that I didn't grow up. So I need just &quot;eat this situation&quot; inside and keep living with frustration?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes on comments&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm the only working in my family. I am responsible for a certain quality of living which we both want.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm working 8 hours a day, spending 10 hours in work (time to eat at work and get to the office). I have 2 rest days in a week. So it is pretty much common.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She totally doesn't understand my interests in computer games for example (that's my hobby - she thinks it is not appropriate at all). If I will just sit and read a book - she will look at me with complaints and I'm feeling guilty.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Well, I initially did not necessarily want a child, but life happens. &lt;strong&gt;Now I love her and cannot imagine a world without her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My child is 2 years old and for 2 years I feeling more and more frustration. That's the whole point of my question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3383" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T11:12:55.110" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T08:34:17.563" Title="How to align personal interests with family?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;&lt;parenting&gt;&lt;russia&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-28T05:51:48.913" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are the caller, it's required that you give your introductions unless they are known colleagues and relatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://hiltmon.com/blog/2013/04/27/phone-etiquette/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Phone Etiquette by Hiltmon&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is the caller’s responsibility to ensure the recipient knows exactly who is calling before jumping in to the conversation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you are the receiver and the caller doesn't introduce himself/herself, then you can say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;May I ask who is calling?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://ts.tulane.edu/content/telephone-etiquette-0&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Source&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone refuses to introduce himself/herself or do this rudely, you can ask the reason for calling. If you find that reason suitable, you can talk further else you can tell them to call later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the business, telemarketing is the most common way to make people aware about their products and services. And this led to increased calls from anonymous numbers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To get rid of it, I have availed Do-Not-Disturb service, though not sure if it is available in USA, and if still any call comes, I'd just ask them who they are. If they're not relevant, I usually tell them that I am busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T13:52:13.967" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T13:52:13.967" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T07:17:53.793" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to get sucked in too.  I too am very good about saving, living debt free, etc.  I finally had to say to those that would look to take advantage that I am not living my meager life to help them afford their luxuries.  I will not give money to people that allow themselves extravagances &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would never dream of doing nor to those that act as if I &lt;em&gt;owe&lt;/em&gt; them to give them my money because &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; want it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have at times helped my parents.  I always will and they are always my exception.  Through some things beyond their control, they live on a very small budget in their later years.  As such, I have no problem filling in gaps for them.  They can afford all the normal day to day things, they only have issues arise on things to do with home repair or appliances, any major expenses.  I come from a large family with many siblings and it &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be spread out among us.  Unfortunately, most of them seem to be content to ignore the need or to claim they &quot;cannot afford&quot; to help, while spending money on things that are pretty frivolous and for entertainment versus pitching in to replace a major appliance.  I finally just decided to stop asking as the no annoyed me more than just paying for it, so I do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is, I do personally think there are times where we have an ethical obligation to look after our parents.  I do not think yours sounds like such a thing though.  You are relatively young, so I doubt your parents are elderly like mine and it sounds more like these are &quot;want&quot; issues, not &quot;need&quot; issues.  I would also gladly help out a sibling who was in true need despite their own good faith efforts to manage on their own.  Again, this isn't what you describe.  I gifted a car (used) to one sibling because they had a major need at a stressful time and no money to get one on their own.  They did not ask, and they wouldn't.  That is also why I did it.  I knew I could help them in a meaningful way at a time of real need and that they were the sort that would appreciate such a gesture and not take it for granted.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only give to family.  Do not loan.  Loaning is almost never a good idea.  I do not loan, ever, now.  I used to.  I could say I maybe was paid back about 10% of the time and that is likely a generous estimate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T07:17:53.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2714" CreationDate="2017-08-28T07:35:06.953" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In life you have to learn how to be self motivated and do what you are passionate about.  If he is not passionate about helping others, perhaps he &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; well suited to be a teaching assistant.  Likewise, since you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; passionate about it, the fact that you didn't get the position likely won't at all deter you from continuing on in helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no way we can help someone else be their best self other than encouragement and support (sometimes also setting boundaries and limits, depending on the situation).  Realistically though, he &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; to decide for himself &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; he can find enjoyment just by doing it.  If he does, then he will be inspired to continue, if not, he won't.  If he will only be motivated to help more because he thinks there is some pay off (a job he wants) then perhaps it's not a path he should be on anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a couple of young adult children and some young ones still.  I tell them this same thing regularly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do what you do because &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; love it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do it because it makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do it because you lay down at night with a smile on your face for what you did today. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do it because you have a passion for it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not&lt;/strong&gt; do it for what you think you &lt;em&gt;get&lt;/em&gt; for it, or you are doomed to be disappointed in life. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If others acknowledge your hard work, your talent, your skill, awesome.  If they do not, that is fine too.  If &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel good about what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; do, that will always be enough, the rest is just a bonus.  That is why I say this.  I truly believe it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have jumped careers several times as an adult.  I have jumped into industries I had no training in.  I go for passion.  It has never failed me.  I have always ended up being able to not only succeed but to advance, even though logically I &lt;em&gt;shouldn't&lt;/em&gt; be able to, because I really &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to do whatever it is I am doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you love doing something, it shows in all ways and you end up excelling at it simply because you have a drive to keep getting better.  If I no longer &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to do what I have been doing, I am okay to change, again.  I find a new passion and chase it.  Passion &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; brings you so much more enjoyment, and success will follow it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you want your friend to succeed, figure out what he is truly passionate about and encourage &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;.  That is always where you will naturally be the most likely to excel.  Doing well and advancing takes time, devotion, effort, but when passion is what drives it, you get to enjoy the journey too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So no, do not lie.  There is nothing real or tangible to be gained from it.  Just tell him the whole truth.  You did not get the job and that is disappointing, but you help &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; you love doing it, and that isn't going to change because of the job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="1652" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T17:20:58.597" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T17:20:58.597" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2727" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T07:50:36.787" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should stop giving them the money and explain them that they should handle their income better. They might get offended and probably bring out some of the 4 points you mentioned. At this point you should tell them something like this: &quot;I hanlde my income however I want, no need to give you an explaination for that. If I want to spend it I will do it, if I want to save up I will do it. This doesn't mean that I don't even need my money. I will help you if really needed but first you have to stop spending money on things that are not as important as buying a car, paying school for your kids, etc.&quot;&#xA;Where I come from (Italy) it is kinda rude to tell people what they should do with their money. I worked to get that income, therefore it is mine, and only I should decide how to handle it. Any cent I am giving you is a favour.&#xA;Now, this may change since it is family related, but the main point is still valid.&#xA;Try to get them to see things from your point of view: you are trying to save money to buy an estate, which is your dream, and you shouldn't give up on it just to help them live their dream.&#xA;It is important that you specify that you are willing to help them for important stuff (if you actually are). They should understand the situation, but if they don't, you probably will never see them again. At this point it might hurt, but it's better like that. You have removed the toxicity from your life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T07:50:36.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2639" CreationDate="2017-08-28T07:52:29.363" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need &lt;strong&gt;an insider.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find out what is her plan for the day which most likely won't be changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she's spending the day shopping with &lt;strong&gt;her best friend?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Find out who this may be. You can ask for his/her cooperation to lure her to a place of your choice, or just ask where she is or where she is planning to go.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned dinner with &lt;strong&gt;her parents.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is what I expect from Chinese(-ish) culture. Despite you don't know her parents well, you can contact them beforehand and ask for their cooperation &lt;em&gt;without putting too much burden on them.&lt;/em&gt; Explain you want to give her a surprise, assure them that it will only take a couple of minutes, and you only need them to tell where they will be having dinner, either now, or just when they are about to go (ask their contact numbers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The response will vary greatly depending on their first impression of you (if they never know you at all), but &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.fastcompany.com/3005773/one-simple-technique-gets-them-saying-yes&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;tell them it will be alright if they say no.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T07:52:29.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-28T07:54:58.520" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;(1) Interestingly, &lt;strong&gt;points of telephone etiquette regarding order of statements of number-confirmation and self-identification vary across cultures.&lt;/strong&gt; I have read that in many parts of UK people actually (used to) recite their telephone number as their first response to a phone call, particularly on a land line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here in India, when calling a person at home or on their mobile, it is typical to first confirm the call has gone to the right person, and only then identify who is calling. This is related to the small but significant number of calls that can go to the &lt;strong&gt;wrong number&lt;/strong&gt;, in which case people think the caller's identity becomes irrelevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Phone rings. I don't like to pick up phone calls but everyone else is busy]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Hello...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caller: Hello, is that the house of Dr.K (the Father of English Student)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: yes... who is speaking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caller: This is So-and-so speaking, from Car Insurance Unlimited: would you like to extend your car's insurance through our company? We have some nice offers etc etc etc&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) You are absolutely right in stating that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frequently the caller will, after a start of surprise, identify him or herself. But some don't. They make another try to get ab2 on the line before giving up any information. They seem to think they are too important and too rushed to waste time talking to someone who is not their target.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We get a number of such calls where the telemarketer has been 'leaked' the number of an apparently important, financially well-off and presumably status conscious person, to whom alone they would have any use of presenting the 'product marketing statement' -- I wonder whether this is what business schools teach them or what? My father who once picked up my mother's phone was strictly told that they want to speak about 'selling to Madam a costly and high-status vehicle' and they want to speak &lt;em&gt;only to my mother!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) another common reason that people don't identify themself first is because it gives the person answering the phone a chance and enough information to avoid or deflect the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Hello...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caller: Hello, we are calling from a major company building luxurious villas on prime real estate. Is this the house of Dr.K, the Father of English Student?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Sorry. Wrong number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;With due respect to telemarketers worldwide,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; such situations are annoying only when phone calls are made indiscriminately and the product being marketed is not at all part of our short term plans for the future. For example, &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;the reminder to extend the car insurance is on-topic and much appreciated.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am aware that cultural practices and expectations are different in the USA, but we have all been evolving into more direct and business-oriented societies: notions of etiquette constantly evolve in accordance with modern culture, and &lt;strong&gt;it may no longer be impolite for the caller not to identify themself first, when making a phone call.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T08:25:38.027" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2615" CreationDate="2017-08-28T08:08:00.780" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only way you should feel &lt;strong&gt;obliged&lt;/strong&gt; to help him pay for this ticket is if something about him helping you &lt;em&gt;directly&lt;/em&gt; caused him to get the ticket, and I don't believe that his being on the road at that time, in that place, because of the help you need, counts. It is still the driver's responsibility to obey traffic laws.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything about his having your furniture in his trunk, or having you following him, or even having this overall task of yours on his mind while driving, that could be the cause of him running the light?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The light was ahead while the furniture was behind him. Unless you were crowding him (unlikely), your presence on the road behind him should have been no different than any other cars on the road. And we're supposed to drive correctly despite mental distractions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I see no reason to feel obliged to help pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he was doing this favor for you for free and then he gets this ticket, I could see how you might feel like you ought to contribute: despite it not being your &lt;em&gt;fault&lt;/em&gt;, if you hadn't asked for his help, he probably would have been sitting at home instead of out getting this ticket. In such a scenario, offering a little cash to help should lessen the &quot;no good deed goes unpunished&quot; sting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also note: avoiding such moral conflict is one good reason to always pay your help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T08:28:53.827" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T08:28:53.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-28T08:13:01.430" Score="21" Body="&lt;h2&gt;The caller should identify themselves first.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is the best approach when calling someone who doesn't know you already or have your name in their contacts. But the recent changes could be because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;New generation people are used to having caller IDs or some apps that can look up numbers and show possible names. Or, being overly busy in a highly competitive world, they skip some pleasantries or cut to the chase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might not be received well by most people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this based on my experience. I'm only under 30. I have sometimes forgotten to introduce myself when I call someone, because in my head I was focussed on what I wanted to ask them, and it's not something I recommend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;An exception would be if you're running a business. You would not want to push away potential customers just because they didn't introduce themselves first. You can initiate conversation with: &amp;quot;ab2's business/ab2 speaking. How may I help you?&amp;quot;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T07:33:05.750" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2536" CreationDate="2017-08-28T08:16:08.640" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think as always, the best thing to do is &lt;strong&gt;talk&lt;/strong&gt;. You could keep reminding him of his debt by simply asking &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;So when are you going to pay me back those [amount][currency]?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least in a personal conversation he should not be able to ignore you and he should give you an answer, which will also &lt;em&gt;engage him into your problem&lt;/em&gt;, what makes it more likely for him to pay back soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need to keep &lt;em&gt;reminding&lt;/em&gt; him about his debt you can put a little more pressure on him by asking him why he does not pay, which may be a somewhat unpleasant thing to talk about for him, but if he keeps delaying his payback, you have got the right to know why. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you can moderate the pressure as you see appropriate, but if this really is a problem for you, you should not feel guilty for putting pressure on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3390" LastEditorUserId="3390" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T10:52:02.807" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T10:52:02.807" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-28T08:22:13.217" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless the caller is a close enough person to be recognized without trouble, they should try to identify themselved as soon as they can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason why is the fact the the caller know who they are trying to reach, as well as what they want with that person. But the person who is getting the call do not have any information about the caller. So the caller should disclose those informations to put both callers on the same playing field. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T08:22:13.217" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T08:45:22.513" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is difficult to say &quot;no more&quot; if they keep playing on your empathy and you can't help it. They are not necessarily bad people or knowingly abusing you, they just can't plan properly and know they can rely on you to help out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A passive way to get around this would be to actually &lt;em&gt;have no money to give&lt;/em&gt;. Take your savings and put them into a term deposit account where the money is locked up for a certain period. Alternatively, put it into a high-interest savings account with penalties for withdrawal (typically a rate reduction). Finally, there are some special accounts (at least in my country) specifically for saving for a house, where you must make regular deposits and it is also more difficult to withdraw. Then the financial penalty for actually withdrawing the money to give to them will give &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; the additional incentive not to. You can honestly tell them you are saving for a house, and it is impossible to give them money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing, if you decide to just tell them no, maybe consider waiving the previous loans at the same time. I think it would be hard for them to get upset at &quot;no&quot; when you have been so generous at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3964" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T08:45:22.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T09:08:32.153" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the longer term, try to invest in something not too liquid (optimally the house you want but you may not be there yet) and have a negative cash balance and some debt. Make sure they know about it. When they come asking for money, tell them sympathetically that you need to take the money from your credit card and say how much the interest is. In my experience they start to reconsider without much angriness, as they do not see a heap of money just lying around. For people who can not handle money, this makes a difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist, tell them this is too much burden on you so you will not give them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4380" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T09:08:32.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2737" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2739" CreationDate="2017-08-28T09:36:00.147" Score="29" ViewCount="12484" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last night, I took my bicycle to meet some friends (both boys and girls). While we were sitting there (on the curb, in a relatively secluded place where the teen will often meet for a &lt;em&gt;pakal&lt;/em&gt; (a meeting, often playing the guitar and, like, drinking tea)), an older teen (I'd guess 17) came over and started chatting to the girls, holding a cigarette and a beer (yech). After he failed to convince them to bring the guitar over there to where another member of the group was apparently able to play, he and the two guys who had wandered over while he was talking turned to leave. I was behind them, sitting on my bike.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As they turned to leave, the original guy asked if he could borrow my bicycle for a minute, to take a spin. I didn't exactly want to tell him, since he was smoking a cigarette and holding a beer, and I had my keys and phone in my bike bag, so I didn't want to let him use. I just shook my head a couple times and the other people he was with shepherded him along back to where they were before they came over to ask about the guitar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often will take my bike to such gatherings with my friends, and will continue to sit on it and randomly bike around for a minute throughout the gathering. Is there a better way to say that I do not want to let someone use my bike?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that in Israeli culture teens will often borrow other people's bikes, and that it's considered perfectly acceptable. I'm also an immigrant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T03:11:02.160" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:42:11.813" Title="How do I say no to a stranger asking to borrow my bicycle for a minute?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;teenagers&gt;&lt;israel&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1586" CreationDate="2017-08-28T09:44:12.017" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say the impression you're getting is that your coworkers feel you're offering them handouts as though they are homeless. I don't think you're reading their reactions correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I asked my colleague if they wanted my lunch because I had already eaten from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And they replied...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That’s not a proper way to share the food and it is rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That has nothing to do with how you worded your offer!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, you could improve relations by not saying the &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;reason&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you're offering it is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you've already eaten from it, but the real problem to your dilemma is much more fundamental than that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you eat your lunch the way most people do (taking your spoon from food to mouth to food to mouth, over and over, until you're no longer hungry), then it is not hygienic to give the rest to someone else. The remaining food will have your germs and saliva and partially chewed food particles all through it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If this happens &quot;often,&quot; just take smaller portions of food to work with you;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;intend&lt;/em&gt; to give some of your lunch away, then put what you think &lt;em&gt;you'll&lt;/em&gt; want to eat on a plate and reseal the rest in the container you brought it in, and offer your leftovers that way;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Better yet, bring two containers – one for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to eat from and one for your colleagues to try (then &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; will each get a plate and pull out how much they'll want).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do this, then we can get back to your original question: &quot;what’s the proper wording or phrases I could use to share my (leftover) food with someone?&quot; I would say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, guys! Would you like to try my [name of food]? I brought an extra container for you to share! Just get a plate and dish some out. Enjoy!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T09:44:12.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2737" CreationDate="2017-08-28T09:47:05.420" Score="46" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Stranger: Can I borrow your bike for a minute?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know them or have any mutual friends. You have no guarantee that they will return it in time and in good condition. They have not mentioned any emergencies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then it is up to you. Sharing bike can be a starting point for a new friendship. Or sharing it will be the last time you see your bike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and the stranger are teens, as I understand it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your aim is to decline the request with a reason, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I'm sorry. I cannot give it to you at the moment. We just met. But maybe another time. Sure. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives a reason why you declined. This way you will be keeping an option open for future meetings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T12:36:52.147" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T12:36:52.147" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2740" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2737" CreationDate="2017-08-28T09:47:58.197" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Israeli culture teens will often borrow other people's bikes, and that it's considered perfectly acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it's really acceptable in your culture, it's like some known person is asking for a favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you shook your head a couple times, it sent a clear message that you don't want to give your bike and that is acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you don't want to sound rude while telling them no, this &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/a/9447/65039&quot;&gt;Workplace answer&lt;/a&gt; gives really nice approaches and I am taking out a few of them (with an edit of mine).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry I don't know when I will need it next. So I can't really give it to you now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's nothing personal, I just don't feel comfortable lending out my bike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though they are strangers, they won't take it too personal or consider it rude as far in my experience. However, we can't always be sure who might consider it rude. Therefore, you should not mind them and should stay firm and say no (in a polite way of course).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And also, you don't have to give in to the pressure and don't feel compelled to lend your bike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T11:31:06.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-28T10:34:06.200" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should she tell them that it's really hard, and a much bigger deal than what they think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't. They just don't have the background experience to relate to. Try to understand &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: I'm an office worker, I spend my life at the desk. I'm not very fit, but I can run to catch a bus or ride a bike for few hours. Now, let's take a common marathon run. I consciously know that it's very taxing physical activity, but my body says: &quot;c'mon, it's just some running, we can do that&quot;. I just don't have the experience of complete physical exhaustion to relate to. I &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; that a marathon run is way out of my league, but I can't &lt;strong&gt;feel&lt;/strong&gt; it. I need to think hard and put conscious effort to understand that. It really takes lots of researching of a subject to understand your limitations. This thinking is not something I take for granted, because I know for a fact that in every marathon run, there are people who jump into it without that process and then collapse on the way. Because they haven't done their homework. You can't do that research for someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the situation you're in. Your girlfriend is doing Ironman and they say &quot;It's just some running, biking and swimming. Nothing I haven't done before&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will always downplay your effort, often only because they don't realize how big it is. Both you and your girlfriend have to learn to handle that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm not even talking about people downplaying out of malice, that is to feel superior to somebody. If that's the case, you can't do anything about that.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T10:34:06.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T10:48:20.480" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask your bank: they may have &lt;strong&gt;savings accounts dedicated to real estate&lt;/strong&gt; purchases. In such accounts, your money is usually locked for several years, but you get better interest rates on a loan you take afterwards. That way, you'll have no free money to give away. If your source of income and your life are stable, another option is to take a loan and buy the house you wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the long run however, you should learn to say &quot;no&quot; &lt;strong&gt;without the feeling to be obliged to explain the reasons&lt;/strong&gt;. It may look like explaining why you have to refuse makes it easier, but this is not the case. Giving the reasons will only feed discussions about how you're planning to do something as selfish as buying an expensive house, while turning down your relatives who need a car to go to work so badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastEditorUserId="3211" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T10:55:56.620" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T10:55:56.620" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2720" CreationDate="2017-08-28T10:49:19.797" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;Life is about setting priorities, and while it's common for people to say that you should spend &quot;all your time&quot; with your family, the truth is that for many people that just doesn't work. Lots of people need &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; alone time, and they should take it because otherwise they'll just spend time being frustrated with their family. (Which is, technically, spending time with the kids, but nobody will think back fondly of those days).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems you need to have a good talk about &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you and your family divide their time. There's a number of things that I feel time should be spent on when you are a family with kids. Some of those probably aren't getting the time they feel they should be given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your personal time. You need time for yourself; lots of people can't &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; be family people. Some people just need to be left alone with a book, or a game, or whatever hobby, to recharge. (Read; introverts.) Other people just occasionally want to work their own interests for their own amusement or betterment.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Family time. You need to spend time together as a family. I think this goes without saying, and this seems to have been identified already.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there's a few more, which might not have come up much yet:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Time with your partner. This one suffered &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; when I first had kids, because all time would be spent with the kids and not a lot would be just having fun with my partner.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your partner also needs alone time. One of the more common &quot;Spend more time with the kids!&quot; I got was actually not (primarily) about me spending time with the kids, but rather a hidden cry of &quot;Please give me some time alone as well.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider sitting down with your partner and discussing these various needs of time alone and together. You will have to accept that you won't get &lt;em&gt;as much&lt;/em&gt; time for yourself as you used to, and neither will your wife, but you should also realize that getting &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; alone time is likely very bad for your mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then during the discussion, plan out a bit of a schedule. When we first realized these issues, my partner and I would take days of weekend and specify them either as &quot;my kids&quot;, &quot;your kids&quot; or &quot;our kids&quot; to signify who was in charge of taking care of the kids and who was allowed to go do whatever they wanted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally this meant that one day each week was &quot;our kids&quot; and we'd take the kids somewhere fun together, and the other was either &quot;my kids&quot; or &quot;your kids&quot; and that parent would take care of them while the other could organize a get together with friends, or just go out for a walk, or watch a movie, or whatever they felt like doing &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; having to feel guilty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really cleared the air for us to have it clear who was doing what that week. There would be no need to feel jealous, or have a conflict where both parents wanted alone-time. It has since grown to be much more organic, but the &quot;spend more time with the kids&quot; complaint has disappeared almost entirely, yet I don't feel like I have less time to do my own thing. I just know &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; I have time to do my own thing, and when I'm just around to watch my kids grow up and be their parent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T10:49:19.797" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2714" CreationDate="2017-08-28T10:58:50.560" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;What are his goals? His goal is to get TA position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are your goals? Your goal is to make him help out more on the online discussion boards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are those two the same? No. In your opinion, online activity doesn't help in getting TA position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are you asking here? You're asking if you can trick your friend into sacrificing what &lt;strong&gt;he&lt;/strong&gt; wants in favor of achieving what &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer is a very strong &quot;NO&quot;. You can't manipulate people like that. You're trying to justify yourself by stating that online helping is some kind of greater good. But the problem is that it's not your decision to make and you must always keep in mind that your assessment could be wrong. Maybe as a TA he would help people more than in online discussion board?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be a good friend, then work with him to find a way to become a TA. Possibly, a one that does not involve the discussion board. It appears that your school either doesn't value it, or thinks that people who help online will keep helping and TA is a way to mobilize people who're not active online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastEditorUserId="3141" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T18:34:28.700" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T18:34:28.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2748" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2737" CreationDate="2017-08-28T11:20:05.177" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're obviously not happy letting anyone ride off on your bike, and there's no reason on earth why you should be. You &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; never see it again, or it &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; come back damaged - and 'sorry mate' doesn't mend it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'If you won't take offence at me saying no, I won't take offence at you asking.' Firmly and politely said, should do it. I used to have lots of 'friends' until I started saying this sort of thing when they asked if they could borrow things. Things which often had to be chased up for return, or just got forgotten. My premise was (and is) once upon a time -  I needed that tool. I went out and bought it. You need it - why not do the same?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1655" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T11:20:05.177" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T11:21:56.403" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You haven't stated if you actually have a written contract or not for the money you lent your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my family we shuffle money around a lot for bigger purchases. But every time we do the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sit together and talk about it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Write down the monthly income and the expenses&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look for conditions of alternatives (banks etc.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accept on an interest rate (usually a bit higher than what you get as interest rate on a bank account, so much lower than the conditions of a bank)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Define a monthly rate at which the loan will be payed back&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Write everything down as a contract and have each party sign it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately the point of &quot;writing down the monthly income and the expenses&quot; is one of the most important ones. The numbers will clearly present a hard fact on whether the purchase is affordable or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, this could also be a starting point of a discussion if your relatives live above their standard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the next time they ask for money, sit down with them and discuss their income and expenses, in a very detailed manner. It will probably be difficult, as you say they aren't very good with money. So they probably don't know what they are spending it all on. You might want to prepare a list with the most common things which happen as a monthly payment (or yearly and brake it down per month). A car for example is a huge cost factor, not just the buying but the running costs as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on that you can clearly state, that you probably will never get your money back and you will not lend them anymore until they fixed their finances and started paying you back all the debt they accumulated so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you are good with money, and you probably want to help them out, so after discussing their financial situation, you could apply your skill to help them get better at their finance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are completely unwilling to improve upon the situation and you have no written contract, the money is probably lost and you shouldn't lend them anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3548" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T11:21:56.403" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2750" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2758" CreationDate="2017-08-28T11:24:12.570" Score="78" ViewCount="21483" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A bit of background first&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been hanging with the same circle of friends for roughly 10 years now, we're quite a diverse bunch in terms of opinions, and it often sparks debates. Usually, everything just goes fine, even if debates get a little bit heated, it's never to the point of verbal abuse.&#xA;But that changed recently, one of our friends became a feminist, while I have no problem with feminism (2 of our friends have been feminist for quite a while now, and it's never been a problem), she decided to meet any divergent opinion with, basically, verbal abuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way she handles divergent opinions have been a source of conflicts for a little while now, but it's starting to escalate more and more the more she applies her opinion to each and every little thing. That behavior ended up alienating almost everyone, and now, when it comes to hanging out, instead of being excited people get tense since they know she will be there too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A few examples of the problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our group of friends there's only one person whose skin color is black (we'll call him X), and as a joke, he's been calling himself our &amp;quot;token black guy&amp;quot;, and it ended becoming his nickname. She recently took it upon herself to make us stop calling X that. Of course, if it was making X uncomfortable then we would have stopped, but the first one to stand against that was X himself. She then blew up on him saying things like &amp;quot;he doesn't know any better&amp;quot; or that &amp;quot;he should be thinking of the harm it causes to the black race as a whole&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example would be that, when 2 of our friends, which are a couple, announced that they were expecting, when they announced that they wanted to name their child &amp;quot;Lucie&amp;quot; if it was a girl and &amp;quot;Marc&amp;quot; for a boy, she, once again blew up and told them that &amp;quot;gender specific names were unfair, and they have no idea how it could ruin their lives in the future&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, those examples are probably two of the most extreme examples of her behavior, but it gives an idea of how much no subject is &amp;quot;safe&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm usually asked to deal with the problem in our group since I don't often take a side, but here I'm at a loss. I'm searching for a way to ask her to calm down without having to cut our ties with her entirely. I've already tried asking her to stop treating us like garbage when our opinions differ but nothing works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Is there any way for us to get her to become less aggressive about her opinion?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I know that many people do not like feminism, but I don't think feminism is the problem here, so please refrain from answers putting the blame on that.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Little update on the situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our group is going to prepare the wedding of one of our friend and his soon-to-be wife, since it's an event we're all going to attend, we decided to make sure that things would proceed smoothly (that includes the wedding and the preparation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So we decided to take the first step and have a long talk with her to make sure she would not try to ruin everything, and it seemed to be somewhat successful. Here's how thing went :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;First: We told her that her new behavior started to be a major issue in the group and that, if it went on it would soon be a &amp;quot;her or us&amp;quot; mentality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Then: We went into extensive details as to why her behavior was an issue (that included telling her how she was being offensive to most people of the group)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Then: We then told her that, she is entitled to her opinion, and has every right to defend said opinion. But doing so while belittling us and attacking us, was NOT okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So these three points pretty much sum up the discussion, while we basically already had a similar discussion, I think that the fact that we gathered together SPECIFICALLY to tell her that had quite an effect on her. I also think that, the fact that the two persons who were the most active in the discussion where feminists also, played a role in her realisation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if her behavior will significantly change or not, or even if it will be a durable change, but we can always hope that it will be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It looks like the problem has been solved&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I stated in my previous edit, we had a very long discussion with her, an explained to her as accuratly as we could how, and why she was hurting people in the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then we've met a few time, and we talked about topic that would have usually seen her blow up, but she did not. While she was passionate about her ideas, she was not aggressive, and did not belittle anyone for disagreeing with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She even apologised to the people she hurted the most, so, while she might change back in the long run, I think I can consider the problem as solved, thanks for the answer everyone provided, it was really helpfull.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-03-07T19:48:53.487" Title="How to handle very opinionated and aggressive friend?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2751" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2764" CreationDate="2017-08-28T11:26:59.407" Score="52" ViewCount="12797" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a serial and consistent &quot;notter&quot;¹: I do not drink (alcohol or coffee), smoke, do any form of drugs, I'm a vegetarian, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these things have been consistent for me for a decade or more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am ending up in situations, recently, where people have disbelieved my behavior and questioned it. And I frankly do not have good answers for why I made these choices, but by now they are just nature to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can you be a notter when people are 'countering' you with questions you cannot answer?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a Dutch male in his mid-twenties recently moved from the Netherlands to England, with most of my currently developing circle consisting of secondary school teachers and IT developers ranging from my age to the low 50s. We live in a city but not one of the big ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;¹ someone who does not do a lot of common things&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2802" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T18:53:18.537" LastActivityDate="2019-08-01T16:38:33.610" Title="How to survive as a notter where it is not the norm?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2737" CreationDate="2017-08-28T11:36:34.110" Score="30" Body="&lt;h3&gt;&quot;No&quot; is a complete sentence. It does not require justification or explanation.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, it certainly should be enough. You can soften it a bit by saying &quot;no, I'm sorry&quot;. He asked, he should expect both &quot;yes&quot; and &quot;no&quot; as possible answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even in a group where it's common to borrow each other's things, it's still a valid option to decline, for whatever reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An exception would be a commune where no-one really owns anything and everything is considered to be shared property. Usually this is an explicit rule, since this is an exception to usual rule, so you would know. In such a situation, the only solution would be to not bring something you're not prepared to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T11:36:34.110" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2720" CreationDate="2017-08-28T11:39:05.723" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a parent, this does strike me as not sounding like you understand how to give your child the basic &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;strong&gt;Providing food and clothing and lights is not enough.  Children need to be loved.&lt;/strong&gt;  They need to know you care about them.  They do need to be &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; important than the things you like to do.  It doesn't mean you give up &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt;.  Of course you don't give up everything, or who would sign up for that?  You prioritize and work around your family.  You don't work your family &lt;em&gt;around&lt;/em&gt; your hobbies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are your wife's hobbies she does?  Do you take the child at the end of the day for a bit so she can take a longer shower or a short walk alone, or maybe have coffee with a friend?  When is she getting time away from mothering?  If the answer to that is no time, then that is your &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; issue.  Parenting isn't her job.  Even if she stays home, her &quot;job&quot; then is while you are gone.  &lt;strong&gt;Once you are home, you are &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; on duty.&lt;/strong&gt;  I worked for most of the time I have mothered.  Many women do.  For a while my husband was at home too.  I didn't come home and wander off into my own world and tell him that my job was just too hard that when I got home I can't be involved with him and our kids.  What would have happened when we both worked?  Just get home and tell the kids to sort themselves out?  When I was full time that is 12 hours a day.  I purposely set it up to go in early when the kids still slept, so that I could have more awake time with them. Right now I am home and the first thing I do after we greet is check out for a while.  He starts dinner and cooks it, I usually take a long shower or bath, I might call my sister or take a little walk or maybe even nap when we had a baby that was up a lot.  It's part of our daily routine that I am gone about an hour, sometimes less, sometimes more.  It is &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; I can manage to deal with children all day and be a nice mom and person.  After dinner he starts baths if they are needed and I do all the cleanup.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And for yourself, look at it this way.  I am being very honest here.  &lt;strong&gt;If she is taking care of all things in the house (as it sounds like) and then you are not taking care of things when you get home, and &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; she starts seeing you as &quot;child-like&quot; as you said, she will start acting more like a mother than a wife.&lt;/strong&gt;  I have seen this many times.  If that happens, you will really have to work to get back to being partners.  No one finds their child appealing romantically.  She will distance herself from you as a romantic interest because you will position yourself as more of being seen as another kid to take care of.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want a happy family, you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to make adjustments that no longer look like the life of a single person.  I have been with my husband 25 years.  Overall we have a very good marriage.  Part of that is that I hear him when he says he needs something and he hears me.  If your spouse tells you something is paining them and you do not take it seriously, you are going to make everyone unhappy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be a maturity thing.  I also know that games and other things &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be addictive.  &lt;strong&gt;Are you absolutely sure that you are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; addicted to the gaming?&lt;/strong&gt;  I have seen it happen many times and it's far more common that most give it credit.  &lt;a href=&quot;http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/16/is-online-gaming-messing-up-your-marriage/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/16/is-online-gaming-messing-up-your-marriage/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in case you think I don't understand at all, I game.  Sometimes my husband will play, but rarely and I can't recall the last time, maybe years now.  When I had kids I had to adjust &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; I did it.  It was never so serious that it created conflict with my spouse, but I made sure it didn't ever take time away from him.  This is why I asked about addiction.  Maybe it's not that, and it's just your way to avoid family time.  When you don't play, do you feel a pull to do it?  I've played some pretty involved team games.  I do understand a pull to go check in, etc.  I just learned after kids I cannot do that really.  I can't be responsible for how a game goes for &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; people.  Instead I involve my kids.  We play together.  If they are too little, I give them a remote that isn't linked and let them feel like they are playing.  We play things like Zelda or whatever as they get bigger.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to enjoying time with your child(ren) is you taking the responsibility to keep looking to &lt;strong&gt;find something that &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of you enjoy together&lt;/strong&gt;.  It &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be games sometimes.  It can be riding a bike with them in a seat on back.  It can be walking in nature, or building blanket forts.  But it is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; job as the parent to figure that out.  You have to stop telling yourself it's okay to be detached and uninvolved.  You have to make the decision to try.  The more you do, the easier it becomes and the more you bond with them.  The more you bond with them, the more you naturally &lt;em&gt;enjoy&lt;/em&gt; the time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; you love your child.  I believe you do.  You have to accept that &lt;strong&gt;love is in your actions&lt;/strong&gt; though, not your words.  You have to &lt;em&gt;act&lt;/em&gt; in a way where she &lt;em&gt;knows&lt;/em&gt; she is loved without you ever having to say a thing.  And if you want a successful marriage and want to be a great parent, you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to always be open to the idea that you might be wrong. The only difference between good parents and bad ones is the willingness to try to look at yourself objectively, be willing to see where you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; wrong, and change.  We are &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; going to be wrong sometimes.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The TL;DR is the bolded parts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T11:39:05.723" CommentCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2750" CreationDate="2017-08-28T11:56:04.437" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with you, the blame is not to put on feminism, or any other of her ideologies. The problem is that she is offending people who don't agree with her, ruining the times in which you guys hang out together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all try to point out how disrespectful her behavior is, and that there are other more appropriate ways to express her opinion. For example, when your friends announced, I imagine that it was a joyful time, and her comment ruined the atmosphere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she realizes that, she might stop being so extreme about her opinions (of course try not to sound rude, otherwise she will be defensive and things will probably get worse). If she doesn't eventually stop, you might consider dropping such a negative person from your circle of friends. Dropping a person is worth it to keep the group together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Note that the opinion of your other friends is important too. I am assuming that almost everyone (if not everyone) doesn't like her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastEditorDisplayName="user12736" LastEditDate="2019-03-07T19:48:53.487" LastActivityDate="2019-03-07T19:48:53.487" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2755" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-28T11:56:18.550" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One: Good for you!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Your personal life style choices are good, healthy, sustainable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two: These are your personal life style choices!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Nothing to explain. It simply is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Three: Educate the yessers.&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;(Recreational) Drugs are illegal.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I'm referring to weed et al here, alcohol, nicotine and even caffeine excepted. If you DO them explanations would be in order, not when you don't. If this is problematic your are running with the wrong crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Smoking should speak for itself, public opinion has swerved to abstention some time ago now.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Drink.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Very personal choice this. If you want, do explain. But you do not have to. If bothered, ask about the other person's choice. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Vegetarianism.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Explain if you want, I expect this to go the same way smoking has. Eating meat costs the earth a bundle. Vegetarian and vegan ingredients and recipes have become truly tasty. It is a growing market. Did you know that a meatless diet in India is associated with higher social standing?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Cook up something good, let them taste! It is the taste of the future.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Also Googling a bit about social trends and the reasons for them will help you illuminating good reasons why to the unbeliever.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T12:10:29.000" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T12:10:29.000" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-28T11:58:40.070" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This answer focusses more on personal integrity than conflict-aversion.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a Dutch male in my early 30s and I have lived in The Netherlands, Germany, Sweden, Canada, and (currently) England.  I have always been at universities, as an undergraduate, graduate student, and now as a post-doctoral research associate.  I have lived in large-ish (&gt;100k) cities except in Sweden, when I lived in a small (&amp;lt;20k) remote city with a lot of nature around.  I am vegetarian, I have never smoked, I drink no alcohol or coffee.  My drug usage is limited to the caffeine in the occasional cup of black tea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found that social life in The Netherlands and England is very much focussed on the consumption of alcohol.  I found the university introduction in The Netherlands difficult.  Our activity groups explicitly had a competition on which group had best learned to drink alcohol.  I joined a table tennis club for a while, but at a social after the training, I was ridiculed for drinking apple juice rather than beer.  I tried to fit but I didn't.  In all social circles, I frequently and annoyingly found myself questioned: “Why don't you drink?”.  My French spouse experienced the same (in France).  I don't think I've ever been asked why I don't smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Sweden, nobody questioned me for not drinking.  I much enjoyed the university introduction, and met several other non-drinkers (the topic did arise but in a more tolerant fashion).  Now that I live in England it has restarted, although much less than when I lived in The Netherlands &gt;10 years ago, but I suspect that this has to do with the maturity of people around me.  I don't think the Dutch and English cultures are all that different when it comes to drinking alcohol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I am asked why I don't drink, smoke, eat meat, etc., I answer the question if asked politely and ignore it if asked/remarked in a condescending way (&quot;ha ha, apple juice again?&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really get asked why I don't smoke.  I know very few smokers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The meat one is trickiest; people &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/1556/40&quot;&gt;may get annoyed&lt;/a&gt;.  Even when they initiate the conversation (&lt;em&gt;why do you not eat meat?&lt;/em&gt;), the response may be perceived as if I consider myself to make superior moral choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For alcohol, I tend to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't like alcohol,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't like to poison my liver,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My brain is messed up enough as it is, no need to mess it up more,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I like to stay in control of myself,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Drunk people are not exactly a good advertisement for alcohol.  I might mention I have seen the consequences of alcoholism in the family and choose to steer away from it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The specific answer depends on the audience.  When speaking to someone you don't know well the first answer is probably the safest (unless the asker also doesn't drink, when probably any answer is fine: you have a bond!).  The final answer is probably the most provocative, depending on how it's formulated, and I only say it for people I know somewhat well.  Typically, those answers may work to move on to another topic, for better or worse; it may be that I have unwillingly insulted people, I'm quite bad at telling when I do!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Finally&lt;/strong&gt;: if a group of people go to the pub, you can still join even though you don't drink alcohol.  They are probably only going to drink (certainly in England where I find that pub food is usually disgusting).  You can take water or juice.  Just because you don't drink alcohol doesn't mean you need to exclude yourself socially.  Fortunately, smoke-free is the norm nowadays — it was much worse for us 20 years ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="40" LastEditorUserId="40" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T11:54:32.910" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T11:54:32.910" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-28T12:02:34.283" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the Netherlands it is quite normal to pick up the phone and immediately answer with &quot;hi, this is [John] speaking, who am I speaking with?&quot; (that last question being optional). After which the caller identifies himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I only say &quot;hello?&quot; when I don't recognize the caller. Or ignore the call completely when it is a private number and I do not expect any phone calls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2848" LastEditorDisplayName="user2848" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T14:36:37.527" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T14:36:37.527" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2750" CreationDate="2017-08-28T12:07:27.317" Score="37" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Handling it within a debate&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being in political circles and debate clubs in the past I know your pain.&#xA;People are very passionate about what they believe and get themselves into a specific mindset, I am exactly the same on certain topics and there's no shifting what I believe through purely verbal debate (without verifiable facts). If anything it wants me to go against their opinion more. But, there's still hope on the horizon for a situation such as this, though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As she's applying arguments purposely to strike up a debate &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;just don't take the bait&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, we learned on the debate team when debating outside of an organised event and you want to metaphorically walk away from someone, you can use the simple phrase &quot;Thank-you&quot; adjacent to a relevant sentence to avoid further discussion with most responses. Don't try to refute the claims, don't try to debate them. Simply say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your opinion has been noted, which you're very much entitled to. Thank you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if you're not feeding the beast (so to speak), there isn't much of a leg to stand on to continue the debate any further. That's a perfect cue to change the topic to something more enjoyable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily, PsychologyToday offer the same advice on the subject matter in Point 2 of &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201606/5-keys-handling-judgmental-and-opinionated-people&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;5 Keys to Handling Judgmental and Opinionated People&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, feel free to give that a read, it has some valid points (although they're very much more direct than what we got taught). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The bigger picture&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a bigger picture here which you need to address; the way she's treating you guys as a whole. You and your peers need to have a &lt;em&gt;civil&lt;/em&gt; conversation about the tone of voice and attitude towards these debates when you're next together. You've been friends for a long time and you know she hasn't always been like this. My friends hold the same values and can somewhat be controversial sometimes (I've even addressed these in a question to IPS also). Just show her that you understand she is passionate about what she believes but it doesn't need to be placed in every point of conversations where she sees fit. If she wants to hold a debate as a group, you're more than welcome to have them in a civil setting and when the group wants them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't finger-point or put any blame on anyone, just express how the potential for arguments (between anyone in the group, not just her) is alienating the group as a whole. But make sure you express that she needs to pick her words carefully if she doesn't want to lose you guys as a friend. I know for a fact, I'd tone some debates down a notch or two if it was affecting my friendships overall. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she carries on, then you're more than entitled to cut ties. But IMO, it helps when someone knows the impact they have on the friend group to learn from rather than just cutting ties, this should be a last resort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T21:00:55.287" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T21:00:55.287" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2761" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2765" CreationDate="2017-08-28T12:27:48.933" Score="23" ViewCount="7060" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm working in a co-working space, and today a new guy is working at the same table as me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His typing (on his laptop) is quite intense, which makes a lot of noise. In addition, the table is not too stable and shakes when he types.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The keyboard he's using is a regular keyboard, not a mechanical one, which would otherwise be a reason for the noise. I'm using headphones and playing music a bit louder than I normally do, but the sound of his typing still comes through. There are no other tables that I can move to, otherwise I would have done so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way of conveying that I find this irritating, and asking him to type quieter, without coming across as rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3322" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-11T16:21:11.717" LastActivityDate="2019-06-27T23:46:49.157" Title="How can I ask someone I've never met to type quieter?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-28T12:34:19.993" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you get questions like this a lot, but don't have answers, my suggestion for this is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Come up with answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Acceptable answers to not doing any of the things you list are one of these:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is expensive&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is unhealthy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't like it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't think this is your actual problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You find yourself in a counter-cultural situation. That which is the &quot;norm&quot; for &quot;everyone else&quot; is not the norm for you, and all of the ways being social involve this activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an example of such a thing in my own life:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the United States, and am male, and live in Wisconsin. The standard expectation for a male Wisconsinite is to be interested in American Football, and more specifically to like the team of the Green Bay Packers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not care one bit about football, and so naturally do not have a favorite team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't like football&quot; is not an acceptable social answer where I live. They will ask if I like a number of teams, then ask if I like a number of other sports (which I similarly don't follow). Eventually, they conclude that they have nothing to talk to me about, because that is the only thing to talk about, at least in their minds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Basically, your lack of &quot;vices&quot; challenges their worldview of normalcy, which they see as involving the &quot;vice&quot; regularly in life. Even if you are not overtly condemning their choices, your lack of participation is perceived as a passive condemnation to at least some of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to overcome this and &quot;fit in&quot;?  I wish I knew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastEditorDisplayName="user2014" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T12:37:46.690" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T12:37:46.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T13:09:39.063" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend you to tell your family something like: &quot;you have some problems managing your money that i don't have, so let me help you with that. Let's sit together and go across your expenses list&quot;. Try to do it in a polite way not even close to words that i've written(my English is not that good to choose the appropriate polite expressions, sorry). So you will be able to see talk with them about a lot of amusement and even luxurious they regularly do, but you can't afford yourself due to your house saving. On the other hand, you may see their needs from another point of view so you may want to gift them some money instead of loaning, but that is totally up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T13:09:39.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2764" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-28T13:14:45.640" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of these other answers come off as very judgmental, which will not endear people to you.  Granted, it's rude of the askers to be questioning your personal choices, but a simple&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No thanks, it's not for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will hopefully avoid further questions.  Giving solid excuses or reasons just invites people to give their unsoliticted opinions on why you're wrong.  (&quot;One drink has health benefits!&quot; &quot;One burger won't hurt you!&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really press you, follow up with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just don't like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they keep going,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you care so much about my health choices?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will probably give them the hint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I enjoy most of the vices you've described, but I also regularly take breaks from them, and I get all these questions and recognize how annoying they are.  Most people just want to know that you're not judging them for making different choices than you are.  Make sure you're not.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3306" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T13:42:54.033" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T13:42:54.033" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2765" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2761" CreationDate="2017-08-28T13:26:16.823" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not really sure you can ask someone to type quieter without ruining their workflow or causing animosity between you two. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a developer, I'd be annoyed if someone asked me to type quieter in a room with other computers, I'd not only have to be conscious of the fact that I may be too loud every now and then if I was attempting to type quietly, but it would also be distracting (for my thought process). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd understand if It was just me in the room in a library typing really loud across from someone, but this is the pain of working in an office sometimes. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'd recommend you get some noise canceling headphones or ear plugs.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As BillK notes in the comments: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Noise canceling headphones probably won't help in this situations. ANY over-ear headphones may help, but noise canceling is generally an active process that listens for a given noise and emits a counter-noise so it works best on engine and fan noise. It can work on crowd murmur noises, but not sharp clicks &amp;amp; pops. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it may be better to use over-ear headphones for this particular scenario. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to approach the guy, you could go over with a few paper towels or a thin layer of foam to put under his laptop and say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, my headphones are terrible. Do you mind putting this under your laptop to absorb the sound of the keys?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, you'd find a solution based on his reaction (I wouldn't mind as long as it didn't make the laptop uneven). But at least then you're going over to him with a solution to the problem rather than simply pointing out the issue of his typing. &lt;strong&gt;If he says yes, he'd be much more conscious of the noise and may even type quieter afterwards.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or depending on what you know of the guy, you could go over with the problem and &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; offer the solution as mentioned in the comments by @DavidZ&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, your keyboard is loud, is there any way you could keep it quieter?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;instead of approaching him with the foam and directly asking him depending on his reaction, you can then offer (or go fetch) the foam if you wish to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Also, get a piece of card (or paper) and fold it up and stick it under the table leg that is uneven, that'll help stop it from wobbling. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2629" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T13:05:30.247" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T13:05:30.247" CommentCount="21" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2516" CreationDate="2017-08-28T13:29:38.783" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way her family is acting may seem horrible to you - and it may very well be for her as well - but try to keep a level of perspective.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her family probably thinks that comments like 'oh it's not so hard, I did x and y and did fine', are encouraging comments, not discouraging ones. They see her struggling, and are trying to give her perspective on how they managed to get by. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't help, but they probably don't realize that, and if confronted they would probably be taken aback - which is why you don't want to confront them. It's definitely not your place to tell them how to talk to their daughter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We often reach out to people we want to help, even when we don't have the answers for them.  And sometimes the answers we do try to give are worse than if we'd said nothing at all - this is human nature. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing you can do in a situation like this isn't to address her family, but to address &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; concerns - now, if her concerns &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; her family, and she'd &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; for you to speak on her behalf explicitly, then you can talk about what she'd like you to say to them - but that's a conversation you two should have before you say &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; to them about this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T13:29:38.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2720" CreationDate="2017-08-28T14:00:33.610" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question doesn't provide much information. I got that you are the working parent and that your wife pressure you to spend more time with your child, but don't how much you &lt;strong&gt;already&lt;/strong&gt; spend with her, or even if she wants you to do &lt;strong&gt;specific things&lt;/strong&gt; or just spending time with here whatever you are doing in particular.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you are way more precise about other things that your wife bothers you about. It seems that you married someone who doesn't respect your hobbies. Regardless of the time you spend with your kids, sorting that out with your wife would be beneficial to your relationship. Being married with someone that disdain your alone time solely because they don't have the same hoobies you have is the begining of a dysfunctional relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding your actual question, as I said I cannot assess the situation. I don't understand the judgemental answers since you don't tell much about the time you spedn with your kid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best advice would be to understand why your wife says that to you, and to work something out that satisfies the both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does she want you to spend more time with your daughter because :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You (almost) never do it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She wants you look after her so that &lt;strong&gt;she&lt;/strong&gt; has some alone time?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She uses it as an excuse to make you spend less time reading or playing video games because she disapproves these activities ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She wants you to fit what she has been taught a father looks like, whithout checking if that's what you want to be as a father ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer can be incredibly different depending on which of these answers is/are the correct one(s), so unless you edit your question and provide more information, it's up to you to figure out what you are in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, now that the time of the guesses has come, some clues make me throw some hypothesis :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't specify for how long you have been together before and after marrying each other, but it looks like you haven't been together for a long time. Given the age of your kid, if I had to throw a guess, I &lt;strong&gt;would say she became pregnant not long after you went together and you married soon after&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't give a lot of information about how she feels or what her reasons are, only things she told you and reaction you have seen her have. Have you asked why she ask you these things ? Have you asked her about her reactions regarding your hoppies ? Your couple seem to have communication issues, which suppose some lack of experience in relationships. One doesn't get better at relationships as time goes, it requires work and dedication and &lt;strong&gt;any&lt;/strong&gt; relationship will fall apart without that. &lt;strong&gt;Maybe she is your first (serious) girlfriend&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are only guesses, I'm not making assertions there. I'm not putting the blame on anyone's shoulders in particular. Maybe she asks you too much, maybe she is reasonable. But I get the feeling that your couple is not well maintained and maybe you share the blame on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can't do more as it currently is, however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T14:00:33.610" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2768" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-28T14:12:23.130" Score="1" ViewCount="448" Body="&lt;p&gt;Example: I discuss a movie with a friend. I really like the movie. But I also have stocks of the company that made the movie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I mention to the friend that I have stocks of that company?&#xA;Talking about money/stocks gives the impression that I have much money (which I don't), also it looks like my feedback/opinion about the product isn't honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other side, not mentioning that I have stocks could get interpretated as try to &quot;sell&quot; them bad stuff just because I have stocks of the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If its relevant: I don't own much stocks of said company (less than 0.01‰ of all stocks).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4414" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T14:56:56.173" Title="Should I mention to people that I have stocks if talking about products of that company?" Tags="&lt;discussions&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-08-28T16:16:48.973" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2769" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2835" CreationDate="2017-08-28T14:14:46.297" Score="11" ViewCount="2661" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 23-year-old woman in the United States. I have several chronic illnesses that in turn manifest in more short-term symptoms. I doubt all the particulars are actually relevant here (correct me if I'm wrong) but my laundry list of issues generally boils down to daily on-again off-again nausea, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, exhaustion, anxiety and brain fog. I am on treatment plans and actually in a great place health-wise compared to a few years ago, but some days are inevitably rougher than others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have the great fortune to work for an incredible startup with very empathetic people doing work I love. They've been very understanding about my illnesses and very forgiving with my work schedule and tasks - suffice it to say I love it here. My coworkers and bosses are all very personable (it's like a big family) and therefore concerned for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often get people (both at the same level as me and above me) at work sincerely asking after my health. On the one hand, I feel they deserve and are actually interested in how I'm doing, and I should, therefore, give a genuine answer. On the other hand, I've been trained all my life to say &amp;quot;I'm fine&amp;quot; and not show weakness; particularly to those who owe you paychecks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As my issues are chronic I am perfectly comfortable saying &amp;quot;I'm fine&amp;quot; when I'm in a less-symptom-heavy period. I can go for months at what I'd consider baseline health and function completely normally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm stuck at is some way to resolve the internal struggle I have when I am in a downswing and people are asking me every day or three if I'm feeling any better. The answer is almost always &amp;quot;same as yesterday&amp;quot; until it's not, and I can't always tell if my responses come across as being a downer, looking for sympathy or otherwise subtly begging for time off, less work, etc. Plus I don't want to respond in a discouraging way; the support is amazing and I don't want to in any way belittle or shut them down for genuinely caring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A typical response I'll give might be something like;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Slightly better than yesterday which is a great thing!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not too great but I'm getting along. (and then I change the subject)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretty bad today so I might need to go home early, but I wanted to come in and make sure I finished xyz task first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Didn't get the best results on my last test/visit/etc but I'm staying strong!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to put a positive spin on things wherever possible so I think it balances out but I'm not sure. As you can tell, I am a worrier by nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; My chronic illness means I'm sometimes sick for long periods of time (2-6 weeks at a stretch) and my workplace is full of genuinely concerned people. Am I handling responding to their questions of &amp;quot;how are you?&amp;quot; appropriately? If not, how do I answer without outright lying, but also without appearing to be a 'Debbie downer' looking for sympathy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4407" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T19:11:19.390" Title="Chronic illness at work; navigating genuine &quot;how are you?&quot; questions" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;illness&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2769" CreationDate="2017-08-28T14:18:52.287" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all: People genuinely asking how you feel are one of the best thing that could happen to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How I would answer:&#xA;I'd explain them that you still have a long road until you're over the illness and that it's hard to tell if one day is better or worse - but you feel that generally its better and it gets better every day. Volatility is something normal. If you ask students every day if they think they're smarter than the last day they would get confused too. But at the end of the year everyone can tell how they advanced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4416" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T14:18:52.287" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2687" CreationDate="2017-08-28T14:19:59.700" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Italian here. In my country, the &quot;cheek-kissing&quot; is often performed between close friends and family, but be aware that it's just customary and that you &lt;strong&gt;don't have to if you don't want&lt;/strong&gt;. This happens without discrimination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Between &quot;almost-strangers&quot;, aside from the fact that the unspoken rule I've written in bold is still valid, I often shake hands with males (I'm male as well) and &lt;em&gt;sometimes&lt;/em&gt; (depending on the friendliness of the person) I kiss the cheek of females. This is absolutely no-go, though, if you are in a &lt;em&gt;formal&lt;/em&gt; meeting, where you normally only shake hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About taking the lead, (disclaimer: &lt;em&gt;this is a personal opinion&lt;/em&gt; but I found out it was like this most of the times) I think that you should do it with women &lt;strong&gt;only if you feel confident&lt;/strong&gt;. What I observed is that if you do that being sure of yourself and without any other purpose than being friendly, women will react good to your cheek-kiss. However, if you're shy, it gives the impression that you charge that kiss with a second meaning (which they might not like). &lt;strong&gt;Please notice that I'm not saying, though, that you can compel someone to kiss you goodbye.&lt;/strong&gt; The worst that can happen is that they retreat their face: this may look awkward, but it's just a small situation limited to those 5 seconds. No one will think less of you because of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An experience I had in Germany: I was invited by a colleague of my wife to a dinner. I already knew her, and I went straight to cheek-kiss her when we met her. She retreated her face, I smiled and said: &quot;I just wanted to cheek-kiss you&quot;. She let me, and I think she understood it was a friendly move, and possibly she learned something of our culture :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Oh yeah, after reading another answer, I'd like to clarify too, that cheek-kissing is &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; (at least in Italy) intended as a &lt;em&gt;contact between cheek and cheek&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;not a proper kiss&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3408" LastEditorUserId="3408" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T07:44:33.770" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T07:44:33.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2773" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T14:30:57.713" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Due to a bad financial situation in our country, anyone could find himself in your situation simply by talking about his financial success (wage, salary, prize money, lottery...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people handle it this way, by being discreet and by complaining constantly, hiding the successes, and emphasizing their failures and hardships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It actually works well because we are very family-oriented, so we worry about upsetting our friends and family, but many people are opportunists so this is our solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing to actually note here is to &lt;strong&gt;make them understand that you work hard for your money and you have your own problems&lt;/strong&gt; by sharing not only your success stories but also the different hardships you went through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4419" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-30T18:14:56.153" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T18:14:56.153" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2768" CreationDate="2017-08-28T14:49:38.210" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your one friend's decision whether to see the movie will have no significant effect on the company's bottom line or the stock's price. Any conflict of interest is minimal if it exists at all. I wouldn't bother with a disclaimer in that case, as telling your friend about such a minimal potential bias may come across less as a disclaimer and more as bragging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this changes if you're shouting from the rooftops about how great the movie is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4006" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T14:49:38.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2776" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2780" CreationDate="2017-08-28T14:50:35.210" Score="16" ViewCount="2373" Body="&lt;p&gt;I caught up with a friend recently, and she mentioned that she is trying to lose weight (she is overweight). She told me about the program she is using for it which sounded great and supportive. But then she confided in me that she was worried she was developing unhealthy habits which could turn into an eating disorder if left unchecked (e.g. bingeing on a 'cheat day', obsession with tracking calories).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have any experience with eating disorders and was a bit taken by surprise by the whole conversation, so I didn't really know what to say. I'd like to support her in losing weight in a &lt;em&gt;healthy&lt;/em&gt; way, but I don't know how to do so without accidentally encouraging unhealthy dieting behavior. (Plus if it's really an eating disorder she should probably see a professional, right?) She also didn't specifically ask me to help keep her on track, so I don't want to come off as pushy if I send her a healthy recipe, or talk about another type of diet, or something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For context, we work in the same office, and although we haven't hung out very often, I think we'd both like to become better friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are appropriate ways to support someone who is trying to lose weight? How can I encourage her in a healthy way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T11:12:34.960" LastActivityDate="2019-02-21T11:38:53.923" Title="How can I support a friend with healthy weight loss?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2768" CreationDate="2017-08-28T14:54:15.473" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Youtube actually provides a great example here; vloggers (those who produce video blogs) will disclose that they received products / services when reviewing them &lt;em&gt;if they're trying to sell the product / service&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, if they're actively pushing the watcher to do something (buy the product, use the service) knowing whether they're pushing because they genuinely like the thing, or because someone's paying them to push it is important. It can change our opinion of the product/service if we think the vlogger is mentioning it of their own free will, or because they have to in order to get paid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to put it back in the perspective of your example; you're not trying to get your friend to buy stock in the company too, you're just having a casual conversation about something you enjoyed. No one's paying you to mention the movie and talk about how great it is. Therefore, you have no obligation to mention the stocks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You only &quot;need&quot; (and even that's up to debate) to mention it when your investment in the company prevents you from giving an objective opinion / review of a product or service, or if the company is directly paying you specifically so that you mention them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4407" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T14:54:15.473" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2768" CreationDate="2017-08-28T14:56:56.173" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that I would be honest about my opinion on the product (movie or whatever you are talking about) and not mention the stocks you own, but don't hide them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If during a conversation for whatever reason you start talking about stacks, or something related, don't be afraid to mention them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As stated by @cHao the conflict of interest is minimal and I really doubt that your friend will see you as dishonest for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T14:56:56.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2779" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2776" CreationDate="2017-08-28T15:02:04.587" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Support her by being a model yourself. And work with friends!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend (call him &amp;quot;Bob&amp;quot;) who doesn't like vegetables. I'd go so far as to say that he despises most of them. His preferred foods are burgers, cheese pizzas and fries. Needless to say, this is not a great diet to have, and I would love to get him off it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As athletes, we still need to consume quite a lot of calories - but the &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; ones. Nutrition is paramount; my friend needs to get the right balance of fruits, vegetables, carbohydrates (the right kind), protein, dairy, etc. Rather than just send Bob off to the salad bar each meal, therefore, my friends and I guide him by selecting things ourselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, on Sunday nights we try to get him to have a salad. A healthy salad contains for him a nice mixture of vegetables, and isn't too fatty. Bob's preferred way of eating a salad is to slather it in enough dressing that you can't see the lettuce. That's unhealthy, just like binging is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What we do, therefore, is make salads of our own. Each of us does something different; I, for instance, prefer to add black beans and corn to a nice mix of lettuce, cucumbers and tomatoes. Another friend of mine is a huge carrot fan, so his salad has a lot of carrots. Bob gets a mix of things, taking advice from all of us. He ends up with a pretty healthy meal (obviously not just salad).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend that you do something similar yourself, and get some mutual friends involved. &lt;strong&gt;You don't have to join the program, or eat all the same things your friend is having.&lt;/strong&gt; But eat similar things; if your friend is having egg whites as part of breakfast, for instance, try a nice protein-filled omelet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't do this with every meal; you probably don't have the time. But you can also work with other mutual friends, and get them to do the same. Your dieting friend doesn't have to eat every meal with someone else, but she should eat, when feasible, with a friend who is willing to walk part of the way along the dieting road with her. Losing weight can be a challenge; doing it with people who care about you and support you makes things much easier, both mentally and emotionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T15:18:48.117" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2780" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2776" CreationDate="2017-08-28T15:10:12.080" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is very simple! Don't tell, show. Team up!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can share a healthy lunch on one (or more) workday per week it will both be fun and will help lose weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ready-made food often drips calories. Home made food with well-chosen ingredients make a nutritious meal that helps to keep the body weight down. Do it together to keep one another on the straight. Swap cooking lunch to share the effort and have some plain old fun!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example bring those tiny tasty tomatoes to use as in between snack/for bad moments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T15:10:12.080" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2782" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-28T15:15:28.910" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a slightly different interpretation. When calling someone, they hear &quot;ring&quot; then silence, then it repeats. Unless the person interrupts a ring, the caller won't know it's picked up for a second. This alone is reason enough for me to identify myself first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, I mess with my wife like that. I answer the phone without saying something. There's a long pause,  then she says something like &quot;oh, did you pick up?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I say &lt;strong&gt;the person being called should identify themselves first&lt;/strong&gt;. I normally say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;hello, this is [name]&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, this is [name], I'm calling because...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then the caller can get right to what they want. That makes one step before they get to the reason for calling. If you wait for the other person to speak first, then it can be two steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, this is [name] calling for [name]&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yes, this is [name]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, I'm calling because...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you speak first without identifying yourself, it's three steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hello, who am I speaking to?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, this is [name] calling for [name]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yes, this is [name]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, I'm calling because...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get a lot of random numbers for business, and this method results in less awkward stumbling from both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3316" LastEditorDisplayName="user3316" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T17:34:21.380" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T17:34:21.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T15:17:07.710" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see three questions here. My answer is not perfect, but I'll share what I've done.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You asked &#xA;&quot;How to avoid being seen as cash cow in my family...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop lending to them, or, set strict conditions and follow through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;..without being seen as a grasping and unhelpful person? &quot; &#xA;This is never going to happen.  Your family has been trained to expect this and will be resentful of any change at all.  They are wrong, but they WILL resent you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;My goal is to not give them any more money in the future.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is a very good goal, and I approve of it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;A thing I always ask myself is whether the problem I have is really on my own side and it should be okay for family members to ask for money even for non-critical stuff.&quot;&#xA;My answer to this is always The airplane air mask metaphor. Put yours on first before  helping anyone else.  Your dream of owning your own home will not only provide you stability, but also enable you to help family in the rare cases when they are in actual need.  You are NOT helping your family in the long term by helping them be responsible.  if you truly want to help them, you should help them learn to live on what they make.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that being said, I have lent, and given money to family and don't resent it.  Here are some of my rules.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;1.  Never give or lend anything you can't afford or any amount you will resent.  EVER!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it is a loan, draw up a note with some amount of interest, a payment plan, and a real plan for conditions of non-payment.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When Friends and Family ask me for money, I always say &quot;I see you are in need. The condition of borrowing money from me is that I get to ask all sorts of personal questions about your finances to see how you can get back on your feet&quot;.&#xA;And then, I proceed to ask, how much they make, what they spend on, and try to come up with a plan that would allow them to pay for their expenses without me, or how they could actually pay me back. For instance: &quot;I see you already paid for the airplane tickets, but can we call and cancel that nice hotel and book a cheaper one?  That would get you x Euros towards dong this yourself.  &quot; Most people who are simply paying for fun things consider this way too much effort and go away(99.9%).  The nice thing is, They can't really say you didn't want to help.  And when they REALLY need it, they will be willing to go through this and you will ACTUALLY  be helping them, and not enabling them to continue with a lifestyle they can't afford.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've given about three loans under this plan.  One for school, and two to keep family members from being kicked out of their homes.  I don't resent any of the three. But I don't get asked very often any more.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4427" LastEditorUserId="4427" LastEditDate="2017-11-01T18:39:34.843" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T18:39:34.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2784" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2769" CreationDate="2017-08-28T15:34:03.537" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know how feasible it is, but perhaps you could write up something sharing as much about your condition as you feel comfortable, thanking people for their concerns and saying that you do worry sometimes that you aren't sure how to answer when asked certain questions, but you love that they care.  And if you like you can share &quot;the spoon story&quot;.  A friend shared it with me about her multiple chronic health conditions and it really &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; help me to put it better into perspective how life is for her.  I've had a fair share of things, but I also have been fortunate that I have found treatment options that generally make them a non issue.  Some I battled for a while first, but eventually found an answer.  I am sorry that you are struggling with your health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is the spoon story in case you haven't read it or for others who have never read it. &lt;a href=&quot;https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This excerpt gives the major gist:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and&#xA;  energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the&#xA;  most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their&#xA;  actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I&#xA;  wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away,&#xA;  since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew.&#xA;  If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know&#xA;  what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case&#xA;  Lupus, being in control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I&#xA;  was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she&#xA;  thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when&#xA;  talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would&#xA;  become?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that&#xA;  when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of&#xA;  “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know&#xA;  exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee&#xA;  that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to&#xA;  know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed&#xA;  and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this&#xA;  little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t&#xA;  even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t&#xA;  found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always&#xA;  be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can&#xA;  never forget she has Lupus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most&#xA;  simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I&#xA;  explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right&#xA;  into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut&#xA;  her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I&#xA;  said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes,&#xA;  and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before.&#xA;  You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self&#xA;  something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you&#xA;  don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your&#xA;  medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and&#xA;  tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t&#xA;  even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing&#xA;  her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the&#xA;  morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would&#xA;  give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting&#xA;  dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every&#xA;  task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about.&#xA;  You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained&#xA;  that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands&#xA;  hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that&#xA;  day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a&#xA;  sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to&#xA;  spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in&#xA;  another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all&#xA;  this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t&#xA;  even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to&#xA;  her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when&#xA;  your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow&#xA;  against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be&#xA;  with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick&#xA;  always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day&#xA;  that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could&#xA;  be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because&#xA;  you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress&#xA;  her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared&#xA;  for the worst is part of a real day for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T15:34:03.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2785" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-28T15:37:55.103" Score="11" ViewCount="1049" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in office environments as a web developer. I also perform as a drag queen as a hobby and spend time advocating for LGBT rights. On past occasions, usually to direct lines of questioning that cannot be avoided, I've had to reveal this at work. In some instances this has been fine, perhaps a co-worker or two has felt uneasy, but those who are 'ok' make a joke, or perhaps express interest in it moving things along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I've also been in situations where I've been forced out of a job due to others being uncomfortable with this or forced to leave myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, as someone who is publicly in the public eye as both a drag queen and an activist it has to be accepted that this information will come out whether I choose to reveal it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how do you bring this up (proactively) to avoid/minimise causing other people discomfort, and what is the best way to deal with the uncomfortable situations when they arise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work in the United Kingdom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4421" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T17:21:34.627" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T18:53:17.753" Title="How do I avoid / minimise hurtful reactions when revealing information at work?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2786" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2720" CreationDate="2017-08-28T15:43:34.117" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;The tough truth is that you have to change your lifestyle now. To what extent and how - is your decision and depends on the sort of work you do. But you always can to involve your child into your hobbies and make it beneficial for both of you. This way you'll spend more time with your child and keep doing what you like. Think about you and your family, not just you alone and you'll find the solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my sister was about 2, she loved sitting next to me or mother and imitate she is reading, writing, calculating, cooking. And we were playing along: showing her what we do, checking her work and praising what she's done. When I was doing my homework, she used to sit with me and do &quot;hers&quot;. When I went to gatherings (I'm lot more elder than her), I took her with me, teaching her how to behave. When I played games on the computer, I gave her a second keyboard and she &quot;played&quot; with me. When my mother was reading a newspaper she would read it out loud and ask my sister questions about what she thinks and disclose her the reasons behind the events. And so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most children will gladly join you in anything. Even if she is a little girl and you are an engineer. The same works with soccer. After she does what you like, you do what she likes. E.g. go for a walk together and play football after you sat hours in front of computer or TV. Good for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not just sit there, show your child what YOU like in it, explain the things she doesn't know and may be she'll support you and become your ally. Make your child your hobby and she will reward you later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. Now I'm an adult, older than you. My parents are old and my sis has graduated from well-known Russian technical university. Do you know what we do? My mom loves playing Dendi with us (she used to hate any sorts of video games when I was a child. Because of the father), so I bought her a new one and while I do everything I let her use the blaster on the 2nd joystick. We have a bycicle rides on weekends with all 4 of us. I bought equipment for everyone. I still play video games with my sis. And now I teach my parents on how to use modern apps and phones. It's our turn to teach and help. That's what the family is for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3194" LastEditorUserId="3194" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T16:05:37.353" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T16:05:37.353" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2787" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-28T15:51:35.807" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would answer &lt;em&gt;every&lt;/em&gt; single question simply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just feel my best when I don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be surprised how well it works.  I do not relate on all your items, but most I do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I can relate more about how people react is with the way &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; chose to do pregnancy and birth, etc.  Where I live I am very much a minority in refusing unneeded medication.  I honestly don't &lt;em&gt;care&lt;/em&gt; what other people do.  I have no interest in telling others what they should &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt;, but I do feel best if I do not put anything I don't need into my system.  I do not like medications if they can be avoided, so I did no pain control, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the one most people seem to think I may judge them for.  I do not.  I have no opinion on others in that regard.  For me, I truly just feel best if &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; don't.  You do what you want to do.  That is why I say that works well. I have found that is the most gentle way to state your reasons while it also sets a clear boundary that this isn't something you will change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Believe it or not, from the moment I was pregnant, &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; in all my appointments and my arrival at the hospital was all encouraging me to take pain control for labor and after.  It is how it is where I live.  Even after the birth I was encouraged to take pills I did not want, including sleeping pills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not how &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; operate.  It is okay if others do.  I know not all countries are like this.  Not all places in the USA are like this.  But since it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; that way here, I had so many odd things said to me, including my 1st pediatrician telling me she didn't understand why I'm trying to &quot;make myself a martyr to motherhood&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I understand that the topic may be different, but when you do something you think is &quot;better&quot; for you, people will often infer you think it would be &quot;better&quot; for everyone else too.  If you say it makes you feel &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; best, I think it removes that connotation and people usually calm down and stop asking, pushing, or commenting so much.  It works well for me at least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T18:09:54.233" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T18:09:54.233" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2785" CreationDate="2017-08-28T16:15:52.533" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the difficulty with such topics is that you cannot and will not ever have a perfect way to say &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; that controls for all reactions others may have.  There may even be nothing &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; you can do that would reduce the frequency of negative responses, if in fact you are already good at navigating social situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; operate in a way I call &quot;ripping the band aid off&quot; about difficult topics or topics I have any angst about having them come up at times I didn't choose.  So I prefer to decide when to share certain things and to do it proactively when I feel ready to handle any reaction.  So you could opt to find a way to mention it before you are asked.  Then you avoid ever being in a position to feel like you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to talk about it when you weren't planning to.  I find this helps me to be able to then already &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that I might have a reaction that I don't love and am in a good place to weather it and have answers ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you will never stop people from being jerks about things they don't accept or understand, the best you can do is to be ready for them.  That is the only thing &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; can see as any change you can make that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; make navigating it easier.  That said, I am of course assuming you already are handling it as well as it can be handled once you are talking about it.  I am not imagining a way in which you could be saying it poorly.  I think likely this is more about other people's prejudices than &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you say it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T16:15:52.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2789" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2785" CreationDate="2017-08-28T16:23:28.903" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;How do you bring these things up and avoid discomfort?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest reason topics like sex, sexuality, gender identity, etc aren't typically part of professional conversations is the effective impossibility to avoid offending people. If you bring them up, someone is inevitably going to be uncomfortable, and some will be downright hostile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can either bring them up anyway, recognizing their potential to offend others and possibly cause you trouble later, or put much more effort into keeping your professional and personal lives separate.  HR would probably very much prefer that you do the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4006" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T16:23:28.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2785" CreationDate="2017-08-28T16:27:24.720" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Coming out&quot; at work is usually a delicate issue. As you mentioned, reactions can range from acceptance to dangerous...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that that's the case I would recommend taking your time and getting to know your coworkers a bit first. Over the course of a few conversations you're likely to get a sense about who's who and how they're likely to react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're likely to identify like minded or at least somewhat open minded people pretty quickly. Consider opening up to these, more friendly, people first. Likewise you're likely to identify those that are likely to be rather uncomfortable... These people you may want to hold off with, till you &quot;have to&quot; tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case I find that people tend to respond better when they already know me as a co-worker and friend. Even those that are uncomfortable tend to be a bit less likely to react badly once there's already something of an established relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've struggled with this sort of question in my last couple of jobs... Working in a potentially hostile environment sucks. When I was working in construction it was pretty obvious that coming out wasn't an option, if I wanted to keep my job. Now I work for a religious non-profit where I've found a few really good friends, but it's still a delicate situation, I've had to learn to navigate the crap line of being open with some and closeted with others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I applaud your activism, I try to make it out to march as well. Hopefully this kind of activism will lead to a future where we won't have to worry about this kind of thing, but unfortunately many places and people haven't turned the corner yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T16:27:24.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2714" CreationDate="2017-08-28T16:34:42.923" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of suggesting what you should do it would be better to write my thinking process and decision in this situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would tell that I didn't get the job (truth). But I don't think helping others won't help getting the TA job in the next attempt. (Relating online help with the TA job depends upon the considerations about selections. Does your employer consider online contributions and help as a criteria for a good TA?) Whether I get the TA job or not doesn't matter, because helping others is good, I believe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To focus on getting the TA job we need to focus on job requirements and additional considerations which will help to get it. Your friend assumed you must have got TA job  because of the assumption that helping others must be working for it. In his assumption and in your question, job specific requirements are not present. In my opinion, telling the truth shouldn't discourage your friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if it discourages or you feel it so in such situation I would tell my friend how helping others have benefited me personally and how my nature of helping isn't wasted at all though I didn't get the job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4429" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T17:07:23.213" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T17:07:23.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2750" CreationDate="2017-08-28T16:58:39.570" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, feminism is recently seeming to have some other connotation than the actual meaning of that word.  The word itself in origin simply means to believe that women should have all the &lt;em&gt;same&lt;/em&gt; rights and protections as men do.  It means &quot;equality&quot; for women.  In such a definition, I would &lt;em&gt;hope&lt;/em&gt; all people I know are actually feminists, whether they seem to realize the &lt;em&gt;dictionary&lt;/em&gt; definition or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issues you have stated are completely unrelated to feminism, as they are not about women's rights at all.  They are related to her feeling it necessary to attempt to &quot;correct&quot; her social circle on things she seems to believe you are lacking in social awareness.  I am all for helping people be more mindful and aware of social inequities, in a way that is respectful and informative, which this doesn't seem to be the way it's happening as you describe it.  Friendly debates and discussions should never end up feeling like a lecture.  If her hope is to inform, it will likely end up ineffective in that form anyway and simply waste everyone's time and make everyone annoyed, including her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An important factor that also seems overlooked in current discussion of people becoming zealous about social issues is that it is &lt;em&gt;often&lt;/em&gt; be very similar in the way it feels to be with someone who is religiously zealous.  I find I experience political zealous behavior as really no different.  It leaves no room for discussion, only preaching.  Often the preacher in such cases believes themselves to be a &lt;em&gt;teacher&lt;/em&gt; when they are more likely to simply turn you off to even hearing them because you didn't agree to come sit for their sermon.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I could tell you a way to get a zealous person to back down.  I haven't found one yet and have been coming across various versions of the &quot;newly converted&quot; most of my life in one form or another.  The only hopeful thing I can tell you is that the majority of such overzealous people I have known &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; eventually mellowed out with time.  Not all do though.  And in most cases I &lt;em&gt;had&lt;/em&gt; to just distance myself from them during their hardcore time period because having any conversation with them seemed to always somehow revolve back around to whatever brand of preaching they were into at that time (religion, politics, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T16:58:39.570" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2687" CreationDate="2017-08-28T17:19:11.080" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have lived on the Greek/Turkish island of Cyprus for a small chunk of my life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was born in Canada, but my family is from the Turkish side of Cyprus, so I understand how difficult it can be for someone who isn't a native to adjust to the culture/customs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically in Cyprus, and other European countries for that matter, cheek kissing is only between &lt;strong&gt;family and close family friends&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, occasionally friends may kiss cheeks as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's all a matter of reciprocating what others do. If I were you I would not try and initiate anything, and simply go along with whatever others may try to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line is, if a European wants to kiss you on the cheek as a means of saying good bye &lt;strong&gt;they will&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4443" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T18:07:04.400" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T18:07:04.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2687" CreationDate="2017-08-28T17:30:23.580" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a French, I can tell you that I am not always sure to do it appropriately but it is not a real problem as there is no sexual charge in such a habit. It is mainly a matter of situation and subtle body language that can tell you the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a stranger you just have to behave neutrally to feel comfortable: invite others to shake your hands; then people will propose you to check-kiss in return when appropriate. It is highly probable that women will kiss you first. Men will propose it after much more time and more close relationship, when men kiss each other it is a sure sign of a good friendship (or they are in the same family).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never kiss in professional or formal situations (it is fairly rare). Cheek-kissing is never considered with sexual connotation, except if you insist too much and inappropriately. Also, remember that what we called cheek-kissing is not really kissing the cheeks! It is more like cheek-to-cheek touch with a kind of a discreet sound of a kiss. A real kiss on the cheek is, at least and surely, a romantic gesture! In fact, the more it is like a real kiss on the cheek, the more close is the relation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't hug like North-Americans, this is not well used in France except among Football/Soccer fans during matches or in close-relation situations, while it can be used in some other Northern European countries. It may seem slightly bizarre to Frenchies but nobody will blame you for it, on the contrary, it can be interpreted as a charming habit from a friendly American!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;French hugs are not face-to-face but more side-by-side when a man use one arm to pass or tap his hand on the back of his peer. Don't try with women, too much contact with another person is generally considered as sexually charged in Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, all of this is roughly described, there exist many local variants and you will be able to observe a different kind of habits, but remember most of the time the following is sufficient to be considered as polite:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;man-man: handshake + hi/hello/goodbye&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;woman-woman: hi/hello/goodbye (handshake in a formal situation)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;man-woman: hi/hello/goodbye (handshake in a formal situation)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: I apologize for my bad English while being able to express common things, explaining such subtleties is much more difficult to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4445" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T18:06:13.810" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T18:06:13.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2795" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-28T17:30:34.140" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was taught when answering the phone, that if the caller asked for someone in the household, but did not identify themselves, to ask &quot;And whom shall I say is calling?&quot;. If the caller was not forthcoming, then they generally did not get to speak to requested party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, the person being called is, by rules of etiquette, under no obligation to accept the call, and the caller is obligated to announce themselves. The rules for phone calls were borrowed from and thus are the same as those for actual physical calls (i.e. going to someone's residence and knocking on their door)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am located in the US, so these points of etiquette may be specific to my locale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4444" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T17:30:34.140" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2750" CreationDate="2017-08-28T18:23:39.433" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in the nuclear industry, and the way we treat radiation hazards is a pretty good framework for dealing with other caustic things.  The general approach is to focus on time, distance, and shielding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Time - The longer you are exposed to radiation, the more harmuful dose you will receive.  Limit time to limit the hazard&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Distance - The closer you are to a source of radiation, the more intense the effect is.  Stay away from a source to limit the hazard&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Shielding - By placing something between you and a radiation source you can lessen the amount that reaches you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These tennets can apply to a caustic participant to a conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Time - Spend less time talking to this person. This is always an option, but not necessarily the best for someone who is your friend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Distance - Stay away from topics likely to set this person off. If this person twists the conversation into something they see as wrong, gently correct their course, &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm not disagreeing with you, but we're actually talking about X&quot;&lt;/em&gt; If this person persists in twisting the conversation, refer back to Time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Shielding - Find a way for this person to have an outlet to rage that isn't focused on your group of friends. Perhaps introduce them to someone else who is particularly argumentative (and can serve as a punching bag), or maybe indulge this person's arguments privately or in smaller groups. If no one is willing to be the punching bag, again, refer back to Time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4451" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T18:23:39.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2802" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2804" CreationDate="2017-08-28T19:16:14.353" Score="61" ViewCount="13899" Body="&lt;p&gt;In an online group chat, sometimes I say &quot;See ya later, guys!&quot;. Of course, not all of them are &quot;guys&quot;. Some are &quot;gals&quot;. But for efficiency (read: lazy), I usually just say &quot;guys&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I wonder if this is acceptable in an online culture,&lt;/strong&gt; especially with the swarm of new gender pronouns that I'm currently oblivious about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should only take a little effort to add &quot;gals&quot; to the end of the sentence, but I don't know how to react to those who prefer other gender pronouns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As additional info, I &lt;strong&gt;don't know&lt;/strong&gt; whether the participants are all males, or there are females participants. We are all just members and don't know each other personal information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt; We also not discussing things such as politic, or sensitive issue regarding gender or adult content.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T20:09:29.520" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T22:25:28.507" Title="In an online conversation, is it okay to use &quot;guys&quot; to address everyone?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-11-22T06:50:59.930" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-28T19:28:32.843" Score="75" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Sure, it's fine to use it, guys!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's fine as long as it's informal. I use it all the time, even at work among colleagues of either sex. I have heard it being used almost my entire life, every city I've been to, as long as it's informal and it's an English-speaking crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoid using &lt;em&gt;guys&lt;/em&gt; in formal situations.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Guys&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; -- &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/guy&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Oxford Dictionaries&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(informal) &lt;em&gt;noun&lt;/em&gt; 1.1. people of either sex.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Example: &amp;quot;you guys want some coffee?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Guy&lt;/em&gt; is not the same as &lt;em&gt;Guys&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;em&gt;Guys&lt;/em&gt; is commonly used to address people of either sex. &lt;em&gt;Guy&lt;/em&gt;, on the other hand, not so much. &lt;em&gt;Guy&lt;/em&gt; (singular) is mostly for men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE 2:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a group of people &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be guys, even if they’re all female.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/guy&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Vocabulary.com&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further reading: &lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/search?tab=votes&amp;amp;q=Guys%20gender&quot;&gt;A dozen posts on ELU&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T12:10:36.530" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-28T19:29:37.197" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think &quot;okay&quot; will depend on the group. Some people consider &quot;guys&quot; used like that to be gender neutral, others challenge that concept, yet others are offended by an assumption of gender. If you want to err on the side of caution, use a gender-neutral alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, &quot;all&quot; and &quot;folks&quot; fit in well with your example sentence. You could even leave it off entirely, and simply say &quot;See ya later!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you choose, I suggest picking one and sticking with it. As you use it more and more, it will become instinct and nobody will think it it sounds odd. I have a couple internet friends who have adopted atypical collective nouns, e.g. &quot;See ya later, kittens!&quot;. That might sound funny coming from anyone else, but since they say it so naturally it's just a cute, quirky part of their personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T19:29:37.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2807" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-28T19:44:49.710" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's probably too late now, but for future iterations of this scenario I recommend lying -- anything from little white lies to real whoppers. Here are some simple ones to get you started:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm allergic.&quot; People are allergic to everything these days. You can dress this up with alternatives such as &quot;I lack an essential enzyme to digest xyz.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I promised my grandmother on her death bed that I would stop drinking, etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No drugs or alcohol were conditions of my parole and then they just became habitual.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;My friend [brother, cousin, lover] was killed by a drunk driver.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4464" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T19:44:49.710" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-28T19:46:19.180" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR&lt;/strong&gt;; yes yes it is okay to &lt;em&gt;greet&lt;/em&gt; people in an online discussion with the term guys, but addressing people would depend on your phrasing (as mentioned below). There aren't only gender differences, there are regional differences too (i.e. some places in the US it may not go down well, regardless of gender). If you want to play it safe i.e. a universal term for online discussion (for more regions/cultures), &quot;folks&quot; is more formal, but a good alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The term &quot;Guys&quot; is generally accepted as a gender-neutral term depending on the phrasing. How you might ask? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we take a little insight from &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2016/02/10/the_gender_neutral_use_of_guys_is_on_the_rise_but_it_s_a_slow_rise.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;How Gender Neutral Is Guys, Really?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, we'll find term guys to address a mixed-group of poeple has been around for a while. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This use of guys to address a mixed group has been around for decades.&#xA;  It’s a pop-cultural favorite, propelled to catchphrase status by the&#xA;  exuberant “Hey you guys!” in The Goonies, itself a nod to The Electric&#xA;  Company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But like I said it does depend on how it's used, &quot;Hey Guys&quot; can be seen as neutral because you're addressing a group of people but a term such as &quot;You Guys&quot; may come across as you overlooking the female participants in such an online discussion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It depends. Addresses like Hey guys or just Guys are widely felt to be&#xA;  gender-neutral; set phrases like good guys are less so; usages like&#xA;  those guys shift even more subtly male-ward; singular a guy and the&#xA;  guy are markedly male. Then we have the likes of a guy thing and guys&#xA;  and dolls, which explicitly contrast guys to the female gender (and&#xA;  belie the fact that many people identify as neither).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, let's not take a writer's word for it. I wanna hear what the linguists say about this, more specifically a feminist linguist would be a good place to start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Written in &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theguardian.com/media/mind-your-language/2016/jun/10/you-dont-like-being-called-guys-come-on-people&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;You don't like being called 'guys'? Come on, people!&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Feminist writer and activist Beatrix Campbell is more critical of&#xA;  “guys”. She said: “I’m reminded of the wonderful Getting On TV series&#xA;  when Dr Moore (Vicki Pepperdine) does her ward round and hails the&#xA;  bewildered junior docs (men and women) as ‘gents’. Gorgeously potty.&#xA;  Calling mixed groups ‘guys’ is also potty, but not so gorgeous. There&#xA;  is, lest we forget, as perfect alternative: people.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But “people” doesn’t solve this linguistic problem. It’s not used in&#xA;  the same way; there’s a colloquial cool solidarity to ‘guys’. ‘Come&#xA;  on, people’ sounds brusque. ‘Come on, guys’ sounds encouraging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't seem to bode well, too often. Safe to say there are better alternatives out there (maybe safer).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What's the verdict?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, It's perfectly fine to address a group of mixed-gender people (in regards to saying hello) but I wouldn't go much further than that, There are alternatives to the term and should be used with steed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm addressing the group, I would personally use &quot;Hey Guys&quot; or &quot;Hey all&quot; or &quot;Hey everyone&quot;. But, If I'm using the term as you've described in your question. I would say &quot;see ya later, everyone.&quot; or &quot;see ya later, folks&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even the bottom line of the second article has a funny finish and addresses the term folks also. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It’s a minefield, really. Still concerned about the generic masculine&#xA;  insinuation of “guys” and want an equally informal, warm alternative?&#xA;  You’re welcome, folks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Further reading&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/11816/is-guy-gender-neutral&quot;&gt;Question on English Language &amp;amp; Usage - &quot;Is “guy” gender-neutral?&quot;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T12:57:11.193" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T12:57:11.193" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-28T20:05:42.290" Score="13" Body="&lt;h1&gt;&quot;Guys&quot; is often used as gender-neutral.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided to look at some data, and came to conclusions opposite that of my original answer. Here's some of what I found (in varying levels of rigor):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://mic.com/articles/115090/guys-can-we-stop-calling-everyone-guys-already#.RAGrp3y1U&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;A survey by &lt;em&gt;Mic&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;1,528 18- to 44-year-olds revealed that while 71.8% of people &quot;often&quot; used &quot;guys&quot; to refer to mixed-gender groups, 88.1% &quot;rarely&quot; or &quot;never&quot; referred to mixed groups by female generics such as &quot;gals,&quot; &quot;girls&quot; or &quot;ladies.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The blog post recommends &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; using &quot;guys&quot;, by the way; it seems that &quot;guys&quot; is still used more often than female generic words.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://jvns.ca/blog/2013/12/27/guys-guys-guys/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;A solely online survey&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The main thing I find interesting here is how women and men perceive these words differently: about 50% of men (+ other) think that “Java guys” is gender neutral, while only 25% of women do. There’s a similar split for “Python guy” and “Erlang guy”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big outlier here? The case where &quot;guys&quot; is being used to address a group of people (of the same or mixed gender). In this case, both women and men perceive it as being gender-neutral.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://cogsci.indiana.edu/pub/KerryBodine-CmonGuys.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;A senior thesis by Kerry Bodine, supervised by Douglas Hofstadter&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Overall, Experiment One suggests that &quot;guys&quot; does not evoke more imagery of one &#xA;  gender or the other. Furthermore, the finding from the only story that produced significant results &#xA;  indicates that the expectations to find more masculine imagery associated with &quot;guys&quot; are &#xA;  unfounded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are just a few results. The point is that many people of all genders &lt;em&gt;perceive&lt;/em&gt; &quot;guys&quot; in this sort of usage as gender-neutral, both in real life and online settings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T13:26:14.160" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T13:26:14.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2776" CreationDate="2017-08-28T20:11:52.663" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since she has concerns whether her program is healthy for her or not (there are so many out there), I would advise her to see a nutritionist or related health professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless she tells you, you do not know her personal or medical background. There are plenty of reasons that her weight might not be only from her diet.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Usually it is not just about the food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you notice she is losing weight, of course compliment her. Otherwise, I don't think you have the information to advise her properly. Supporting her is OK, but really it is her responsibility to find the best way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T20:11:52.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2714" CreationDate="2017-08-28T20:18:32.833" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell the truth.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you tell the whole truth, and nothing but the whole truth, you will essentially have provided him with the correct representation of reality and on time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you withhold information or give imprecise information, you're essentially injecting time between when he'll eventually discover the whole truth and the moment you testify. This is like giving him the 'runaround'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Truth does not need any propaganda; it holds its own. The&#xA;  characteristic mark of truth is that it is the correct representation&#xA;  of reality, i.e., of a state of affairs that is and works whether or&#xA;  not anybody recognizes it. The recognition and pronouncement of truth&#xA;  is as such a condemnation of everything that is untrue. It carries on&#xA;  by the mere fact of being true. - &lt;strong&gt;Ludwig von Mises&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4095" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T01:04:44.730" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T01:04:44.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2812" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-28T20:21:49.437" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the United States it &lt;strong&gt;used to be customary&lt;/strong&gt; before the proliferation of cell-phones that the caller should immediately introduce themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today, phone etiquette has evolved with technology. The person that is called can more often than not already see who is calling by looking at the display of their phone (&lt;strong&gt;caller ID&lt;/strong&gt;). This also explains why some callers are surprised when you ask who they are -- they are wondering why you don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, it is now often expected to &lt;strong&gt;pre-arrange&lt;/strong&gt; a phone (skype, facetime...) call by text-message before actually calling. This is precisely to avoid the sort of &quot;home invasion&quot; calls that you are alluding to. If a call with a certain person is arranged for a certain time, there is (almost) no question who is calling at that time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: Burt Silverman explains how phone etiquette has evolved in &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wsj.com/video/how-to-make-a-phone-call-an-etiquette-guide/D562B621-C84E-435E-977E-15068328E602.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this video&lt;/a&gt; on the Wall Street Journal's website.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T09:12:11.627" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T09:12:11.627" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2814" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-28T21:11:32.553" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have two choices other than paying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choice one is: Just say &quot;no&quot;. You are not paying because you don't want to. In that case, you may give reasons why you don't want to pay, but not excuses. You can say &quot;you want to buy a car that is better than mine, so I don't want to pay for it&quot;. You can say &quot;I save my money, so can you, I'm not going to pay&quot;. You don't say anything that can be contradicted. If they say &quot;you don't need that money&quot;, no discussing it, just &quot;I'm not paying&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choice two is: You lie. You just lost your job, you need all your money. Your girlfriend is ill and needs an expensive operation. Which costs more than you have, so could they lend you some money? Just say it with a straight face. Of course they will find out eventually, and possibly never believe you. Doesn't matter. When they come back months later &quot;you didn't really lose your job&quot;, you can say &quot;and you managed without that money&quot;. And at last you can say &quot;if you don't want me to lie, then stop asking me for money&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify: People would be supposed to know that you are lying. You are not hiding it. &quot;Please lend me money&quot;. &quot;Here's my outrageous lie why I can't&quot;. &quot;You are lying&quot;. &quot;You call me a liar, no money for you&quot;. See how they can't tell you they know you are lying? It's not nice. Taking your money isn't nice either. It would be entirely different if you owed money. But you don't. They try to manipulate you to get &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T23:18:45.953" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T23:18:45.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-28T21:30:27.907" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is perfectly okay to use &lt;strong&gt;guys&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel weird about it, use other words like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay everyone listen up&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;See you all later&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be formal, well okay,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;ladies and gents lets start our discussion&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2263" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T06:31:59.773" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T06:31:59.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-28T21:32:11.197" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the perspective of a woman of retirement age, &lt;strong&gt;yes it is OK to call a mixed group &quot;guys&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;  (Further cultural ID: Boswash Corridor, US, middle class, associates all highly educated.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, from travelling in the western US, I can attest that if I, as a woman in a mixed group, had objected to being addressed as &quot;you guys&quot; by a waiter I would have starved to death.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my cultural subgroup, we would not call a group of women &lt;em&gt;gals&lt;/em&gt;, folks is just too folksy, but &lt;em&gt;guys&lt;/em&gt; is OK.  Among the women I play tennis with, we  sometimes call ourselves &lt;em&gt;guys&lt;/em&gt; and sometimes &lt;em&gt;ladies&lt;/em&gt;, but we never call ourselves &lt;em&gt;gals&lt;/em&gt;.  A woman would refer to &lt;em&gt;her family&lt;/em&gt;, but never to &lt;em&gt;her folks&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion:&lt;/strong&gt;  Use &lt;em&gt;guys&lt;/em&gt;, but if a woman in the group objects, apologize and don't do it again with that group.  Never use &lt;em&gt;gals&lt;/em&gt;.  Even within the US, there are wide differences in language that depend on age, geography, and  education.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-08-28T23:56:55.987" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T23:56:55.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2817" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2901" CreationDate="2017-08-28T21:46:08.150" Score="1" ViewCount="362" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am sometimes asked to help people prepare for job interviews. After the interview, I'm curious how it went for two reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I'm helping them, it's probably because I genuinely want to see them succeed and so information about their success is interesting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I'm giving bad/unhelpful advice, I would like to know about that&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm hesitant to reach out to people after their interviews proactively, because I suspect that they would have followed up with me if they got the job, and so the lack of follow-up probably indicates that the interview didn't go well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been around the block enough times to know that people don't get jobs for a variety of reasons, and would not think less of anyone for not getting a job with that they were really excited about, but I'm not sure how I can communicate this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way that I can ask how things went while not putting people in an awkward position?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4472" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T01:27:05.227" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T17:00:33.233" Title="How can I ask the people I helped prepare for a job interview if they were successful?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2776" CreationDate="2017-08-28T22:09:58.363" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can answer from the &quot;trying to lose weight and encountering difficulties&quot; perspective, though not from the &quot;concerned it's medically bad&quot; one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she told you this unprompted, then a good first response is to ask &quot;how would you like me to support you?&quot;.  Maybe this is her way of saying &quot;hey, could we have some healthy snacks along with the free chips and weekly doughnuts?&quot; or &quot;could we consider breaking our habit of &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; going to Mega-Burger Barn for lunch?&quot;.  Or perhaps she's noticed that you take walks at lunch time regularly and she's interested in joining you but doesn't want to intrude.  Or perhaps she just wants friendly encouragement.  Instead of guessing, ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T22:09:58.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-28T22:12:19.110" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a similar situation and responding about these things comes somehow natural to me, so I'll try to share my experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, remember that most people don't outright question you with &quot;why not?&quot; if they want to understand you. They want to prove you wrong and convince you to change to right way. Treat it as an attack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You told that you don't exactly your reasons, it's just your nature. Well, one thing's sure - you know your reasons better than they will ever do, so just enjoy the fact. When you receive a &quot;why not?&quot;, instead of being confused with &quot;hmm, I'm not sure why&quot;, just troll the asker into understanding that he won't understand. It's retarded and it works to make yourself content with your choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Two examples&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Alcohol&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't smoke and don't drink. Lying works very good this. Just don't be a true liar, make your conversation partner you are lying and he won't get the answer. The easiest route is making your every answer contradict the previous answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some default points that I like to emphasize are these fake and contradictory facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't like beer because it's too bitter.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I like coca-cola because of the bitterness.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have never tasted alcohol in my life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't like strong alcohol, because, well, the taste is really bad.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't drink alcohol because it's not healthy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I prefer Coca-Cola - I always just enjoy unhealthy stuff.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Cheese&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't eat that disgusting thing. I don't eat other stuff like eggs, fish, mushrooms...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll try to present a fleshed out conversation that I've had many times in various variations (lousy translation, I know more inappropriate/awkward words in my native language):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'ma eat me some pizza, you want some&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[exclaim like the answer is obvious] No!? I don't eat pizza.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Why don't you? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[explain it's obvious] It's not tasty, obviously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Let's go to Lulu's they got all kinds of tasty pizza, do you like pineapples?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[mislead] Yes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;So let's get the big pizza with pineapples and dead fish&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[crush] No.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Why not, you'll like it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[explain] No, I don't like pizza.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Why not?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[explain] I don't like cheese.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Waah? Cheese is soooo tasty, I can eat anything with cheese.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[keep listening without disturbing]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Wlorb, cheese is greaty, how can you not like it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[explain] It's not tasty.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;It's sooo tasty, don't you ever like cheese?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[explain] I never eat it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Haven't you tasted it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[bait into the next line] Of course not.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Well try it? How would you know you don't like it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[deliver punchline] Why would I try it if I don't like it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this it should be a knock-out. Your doubter will probably say few more things, but it's over already. He will give up with a thought that you are strange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2892" LastEditorUserId="1959" LastEditDate="2019-08-01T16:38:33.610" LastActivityDate="2019-08-01T16:38:33.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-28T22:44:04.020" Score="5" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Don't stop the conversation right where you'd like it to move on from&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine someone were to tell you they never go out after dark, or listen to classical music, and they don't own a cell phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quick, what do you want to ask them about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then they say something like, &amp;quot;My reasons are my own.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're being polite, I imagine there will be some awkward silence, while you try to think of something else to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to avoid the above, and respond in a way that keeps the conversation rolling...onto some other subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Have you tried your own answer?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder if you've ever told you coworkers this exactly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I frankly do not have good answers for why I made these choices, but by now they are just nature to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's honest, forthright, and not too personal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Acknowledge folks' concerns&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't want to drink in front of an alcoholic. Or dive into a pile of wings in front of someone who had to stop eating them on doctor's orders. But finding those things out is always awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, these are just personal preferences, so let folks know they can enjoy themselves. Thank them for their concern. Once they are no longer worrying about making you uncomfortable, they can more easily move onto other subjects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Change the subject&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you'd like to talk about something else, do it. Volunteer an interesting fact about yourself, bring up something else you'd prefer to talk about, give a compliment, or ask someone a question. Most folks will jump at the chance to leave the awkwardness behind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people get stuck on the subject, just take the focus off of yourself. Ask questions about what other folks do or don't like, or wax philosophical about the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Don't let people get a rise out of you&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some folks will just be chummy and try to provoke you a little. If you get all flustered when somebody brings up your choice of beverage, don't be surprised if that becomes a running joke. That's just how people are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hearing the same comments all the time gets old, but if it weren't about the apple juice, it would probably be something else. You can just smile and nod at this behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4471" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T17:47:10.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2761" CreationDate="2017-08-28T22:58:20.040" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it is something that is against the official policy of the place you are, make a complaint to someone in charge. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is not against policy, then it gets tricky: even if the complaint is valid, chances are you will sound like an irritatingly entitled person -- being annoyed is not your fault, but you and only you are responsible for coping with your own feelings and emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm borderline autistic and that kind of noise totally ruins my concentration. Some people can work listening to music, but music also disturbs my thoughts. What works for me is listening white noise using over-ear headphones. I listen to a fine-tuned random combination of rain, wind on grass and running water (there are many apps for that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1906" LastEditorUserId="23587" LastEditDate="2019-06-27T23:46:49.157" LastActivityDate="2019-06-27T23:46:49.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-28T23:05:30.813" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Guys&quot; refers to males (see &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dictionary.com/browse/guy&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/guy&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;principal definition as male&lt;/a&gt;, and &lt;a href=&quot;http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/guy&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt;.)  The general problem is that the English language does not have a universal second person plural pronoun distinct from the singular pronoun &quot;you&quot;.  Using a colloquial phrase such as &quot;you guys&quot; is subject to negative connotations based on the origins and history of the phrase.  In your original citation, I'd recommend saying &quot;See you later&quot; or &quot;See you all later.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4476" LastEditorUserId="4476" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T21:09:45.473" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T21:09:45.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-28T23:06:37.727" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They seem to think they are too important and too rushed to waste time talking to someone who is not their target. I ask the arrogant ones if they were brought up in a barn, and hang up. I explain to the confused ones that I am sitting in my house, minding my business and they are intruding, so they should identify themselves first, which they usually do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other answers have already discussed this from the point of old-fashioned etiquette. I would like to chime in from the other side - I feel completely the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I receive a call that starts out by &quot;Hello this is ..... from ....&quot;. I am only thinking &quot;I couldn't care less&quot;. And contrary to you, I find this disrespectful and arrogant. Why is this fella talking about himself? Is the call even addressed to me? Tell me what you need from me not about yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If those details are important to the case, I will ask myself who the caller is, who gave my number, what circumstances lead to the call etc. If you start to tell about yourself without caring if I need to know that and have time to listen to that - it's what I consider arrogant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I call someone, I try to treat them like I'd want myself treated - I say &quot;Hello, I am calling because ...&quot; or &quot;Good morning, I wanted to enquire about ... &quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2892" LastActivityDate="2017-08-28T23:06:37.727" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-28T23:46:59.403" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends on the culture. In many North European countries, it is common to pick up the phone and immediately announce your name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that the caller should identify himself first. Callees might (understandably) not want to give up personal information (such as their name) to unknown callers, who might have bad intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess one exception would be if you're a celebrity with a very recognisable name, you would not want to announce your name before being sure that you have the right person on the other side of the line, just in case it's a wrong number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you're calling a business just to ask for some generic, publicly available information (such as restaurant opening times) then there would be no need to identify yourself, just as if you were asking a stranger on the street for directions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4480" LastEditorUserId="4480" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T13:03:00.107" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T13:03:00.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2826" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2761" CreationDate="2017-08-29T01:02:10.537" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, start with the assumption that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he does not realise that his actions are preventing you from working; and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he did, he would try to do something about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you don't need to come out with &quot;Please stop that horrible noise, you jerk&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd start with an observation like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;boy, they give us crappy furniture don't they, see how much your table shakes when you type&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm thinking of talking to the supervisor about our tables, that noise is really starting to bother me - doesn't it bother you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry to bug you, but I'm having a lot of trouble thinking over the top of your keyboard noise. Do you have any ideas?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically you want to bring him along as a problem-solving partner, not an adversary who's in your way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4483" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T07:02:34.373" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T07:02:34.373" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2827" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2847" CreationDate="2017-08-29T01:08:48.923" Score="18" ViewCount="985" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do some web work on the side, building websites for non-profits mostly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A, more or less, constant problem I run into is managing expectations when my customer doesn't really have a budget and doesn't really know what they want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get specs like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it look all whiz bang.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then I have to play 20 questions to get a bead on what that means, and inevitably I have to reel them back into reality about what they actually need and reel them a little further to what they can afford.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It usually ends up feeling like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We want to send a rocket to the moon, but we don't want to buy anything or pay anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Mkay... Do you really need a rocket or will some party balloons do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've even gone as far as to decline a few projects, simply because I knew it smacked of scope creep and ultimately they would spend more than they had on something they wouldn't be happy with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a trick to walking non-technical people through a technical and financial process while being delicate with their sensibilities?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if that's too broad...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a nice way to explain to a customer that they don't need it and they can't afford it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T06:10:18.547" Title="Managing unrealistic customer expectations?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-29T01:30:32.370" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The caller should identify themselves first. They initiated the call, so they should provide &quot;bona fides,&quot; or least establish a reason for the call, so the recipient feels safe. Only then does the recipient need to verify who they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now in a work situation, a recipient may be the first to identify themselves by say, their company name. For instance, &quot;You have reached IBM. This is Tom Au speaking.&quot; That reflects well on the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in a &quot;private&quot; call situation, the recipient doesn't have the protection of a company, and needs the extra protection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T01:30:32.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2829" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2714" CreationDate="2017-08-29T01:50:34.753" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Influence is okay to use on people. But manipulation is not, even for seemingly good ends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't yet figured out a perfect definition of manipulation that clearly separates it from influence, but my current working definition is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;manipulate&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;verb&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;1 To attempt to cause a person to act a certain way he would not otherwise act, such that if the person &lt;em&gt;fully knew or understood your actions&lt;/em&gt;, it would damage relationship with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Source: me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this definition is not perfect because of certain counter-examples of influence based on a shrewd understanding of human psychology and human nature (consider &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFdCzN7RYbw&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Cialdini's principles of persuasion&lt;/a&gt; which are possible to use in a benign way), but it's the best definition I have so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hallmarks of manipulation are &lt;em&gt;coercion&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;information disparity&lt;/em&gt;, and &lt;em&gt;power disparity&lt;/em&gt;. Your situation lands right in the middle of the first two: you want to coerce your friend to do something he wouldn't otherwise do, through concealing information. Yet, your very concern that he would be upset if he learned all the information proves it would be manipulation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't do it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference (these do not satisfy me in regards to my suggestion that interpersonal influence is okay ala &quot;how to win friends and influence people&quot;, but manipulation is not):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;manipulate&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;verb&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;2b to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/manipulate&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Merriam-Webster&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;influence&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;verb&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(presented in prose) to affect or change someone or something in an indirect but usually important way&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/influence&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Merriam Webster&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastEditorUserId="2568" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T02:08:22.587" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T02:08:22.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2827" CreationDate="2017-08-29T02:39:22.147" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to talk to the clients in end user terms. For instance, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Is this going to be an informational site or an advertising site? If it's &quot;advertising, then explain that it will cost more because you will need to put more &quot;bells and whistles&quot; onto the site.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;What is your basic message? Who is it being addressed to?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Is this site for fundraising purposes? How much do you expect to raise of this? That will dictate how much you can afford to spend.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T02:39:22.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2831" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-29T03:10:21.223" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ok, so here is the thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are weird!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By very definition, because you are making choices counter to your culture and the culture of those around you, you are weird, and you should be aware of that. There is nothing wrong with that, but you can't expect others to know that your weird and not want to learn more. It's human nature. Your different so lets talk about how your different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So as humans we try to do two very different things. First we try to explore and understand what makes us different. Second we try to make everyone uniform and the same. It's really odd that we would try to do both at the same time, but we do. What can I say, well all a bunch of wack-a-dos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Exploring Questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, from your post you don't have a problem with the first part. People trying to question and &quot;explore&quot; your reasons. That's good, because while it's annoying (to you) it's also the only way anyone is ever going to understand you, and understanding is the only way your going to be able to participate in a community. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only advice I will give there is try extra hard to answer those &quot;explore&quot; questions honestly, but without judgement. Suggest that I am less then you because I like my moo cow, and well, then your opinion just became lower then dirt to me. But if we have a conversion where I ask you &quot;So why don't you eat steak?&quot; and you respond with an answer that is honest and not aimed at making other less then you, and all of the sudden I may have learned something, at the very least I will make sure to have salad stuff when I invite you over for dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is easy, just use your I feel statements. And answer with your honest opinion. &quot;I feel that eating beef is unhealthy,&quot; is much better then &quot;Eating beef is unhealthy.&quot; Just be honest, non-judgmental, accept that your different and that people are going to ask, and your good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Conformity Questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are the bad ones. Well there not too bad, but they are the questions where people try to convince you that your way is wrong and there way is right. A lot of times, this is the &quot;second&quot; question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example &quot;Why don't you want a steak?&quot; &quot;I feel that eating beef is unhealthy.&quot; &quot;Well, do you have any data to back that up?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the real trick with these questions is that you need to be open to them. If you don't eat meat, and you know why, then it doesn't really mater, unless your reason is invalidated. You should always re-evaluate every stance. That's how you grow. But while you may want to re-evaluate, the point is, that your not ready now to conform to the &quot;normal&quot; practice of eating cow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest a two step approach. First, re-state your I feel answer. Then if that doesn't work, leave. Honestly, it's fine for people to try to convince you. But if someone is going to ignore your feelings and beleifes then there not worth talking to anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not talking about a conversation where your willing to talk about your  way of doing things. That's different and your agreeing to have, and participate in that. I am talking about the conversation where your just trying to eat your lunch and someone keeps pushing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example. &quot;Why don't you want a steak?&quot; &quot;I feel that eating beef is unhealthy.&quot; &quot;Well, do you have any data to back that up?&quot; &quot;Not really, but I still feel like eating beef is unhealthy.&quot; &quot;Yeah but without any data, how do you know. One sirloin isn't gonna kill ya and you might like it.&quot; &quot;I hear you but it's not something I want. Like I said, I feel I am making a healthier choice.&quot; &quot;Come on just try a little one, there really good here.&quot; -- This is when you just leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your a weirdo, get used to. Others will want to ask about it, but expect others to respect your feelings, and try not to come off judgmental your self. It all else fails, just walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T03:10:21.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2832" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2761" CreationDate="2017-08-29T04:32:27.687" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll get to your question in a bit... First, I wanna note my bias: I learned to type on a manual typewriter. You know, those infernal machines that involved hitting levers with the tips of your fingers hard enough to slap a piece of type against a ribbon such that it left a distinct imprint on a bit of paper. Almost no one uses them anymore because they were such a pain to deal with... But once you got used to them, once you developed the rhythms necessary to operate them quickly... The notion of &lt;em&gt;stroking&lt;/em&gt; a key became completely ridiculous. FORCE is the only thing these machines understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This personal anecdote is only relevant because... If &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; was the new guy and you used any of the techniques recommended in the top two answers... I'd probably take it as a put-down. &quot;Hey old man, your outdated skills are too loud. Also your stooped posture is ruining the feng shui of this room.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, as to your question... Effective communication starts with empathy. You want him to understand how his typing affects you, but you can't open an effective line of communication without understanding something about him. The nature of a co-working space is one of compromise - no one can ever be entirely in their comfort zone. Chances are, he's doing his best to focus on his work in spite of countless distractions from you and everyone else; while you sit and fume about typing noise, he's annoyed by your choice of music leaking past your headphones, the gal in the corner is irked that both of you wear obnoxious cologne, and after all of you have left the janitor curses each of you for failing to wipe your feet before stomping around the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can all keep living your lives as victims tortured by cruel uncaring others, or... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Strike up a conversation. Offer to grab a drink next time you get up to walk around, or bring up the weather. Heck, if small-talk ain't your thing then straight-up say, &quot;look, we're spending a lot of time together &amp;amp; we should get to know one another or this is gonna be awkward&quot;. And then actually do it: ask questions, listen, share your own experiences. Chances are, you'll both find that you hate each other and have completely incompatible beliefs. And that's ok; you're not friends, you're just sharing a space. What's important is that you become more than unknown obstacles. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And once you get to the point where sharing personal peeves isn't the first volley of an invading army... You can share your dissatisfaction with his typing. Which, if he's been typing that way for 40 years, may not make one bit of difference... But at least you tried. The ball is no longer in your court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4489" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T04:32:27.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-29T05:49:10.687" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am absolutely used to not mentioning my identity first if I am making the call.  That is simply out of sheer politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was taught that the caller always identified himself immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's definitely the opposite order of the culture I was raised with.  (Although, admittedly, I think I vaguely recall having heard heard that my grandparent's generation may have had that expectation.)  The expectation I'd have is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;UL&gt;&lt;LI&gt;&#xA;that the receiver finds out who the caller is trying to reach&#xA;&lt;UL&gt;&lt;LI&gt; unless the receiver is even more polite by providing the receiver's name.&#xA;&lt;/LI&gt;&lt;/UL&gt;&#xA;&lt;/LI&gt;&lt;LI&gt;&#xA;  Then, the receiver tries to get the desired recipient on the phone, if possible.&#xA;&lt;UL&gt;&lt;LI&gt;&#xA;If that's not possible, the receiver says so.  If the receiver is willing to deliver a message, then the receiver can offer to take a message.&#xA;&lt;/LI&gt;&lt;/UL&gt;&#xA;&lt;/LI&gt;&lt;LI&gt;&#xA;Once the desired recipient is on the phone and has identified themselves, then the caller identifies themselves.&#xA;&lt;/LI&gt;&lt;LI&gt;&#xA;Then, if the expected topic of conversation isn't assumed, the caller identifies why the call is being made.&#xA;&lt;/LI&gt;&lt;/UL&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is most respectful of time, including professional scenarios (business calls) and less professional ones (when one child calls for another and reaches a sibling in the middle).  The caller has already taken the time to call, wait for the ringing, and speaking to whomever answered the phone.  By the time the desired recipient is on the phone, the &quot;least that person can do&quot; (to achieve minimal politeness) is to self-identify so the caller knows that the caller has completed the third phase of the phone call (after dialing, and ringing, the right people are now on both ends of the call).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I answer a phone that is shared, I find it less polite if the calling person identifies themselves to me when I don't have any use for the information.  If John is nearby, then why do I care that your name is Peter?  I just want to know that you're trying to reach John, so I can tell John that there is a phone call.  Giving me a second name, which I may not need, doesn't help me any.  If anything, it might create additional opportunity for me to mix up the names.  Why burden me with that?  I'm doing you a favor of responding (so you know someone is at the destination location) and presumably will be polite enough to tell John that there's a phone call.  So I'm doing you (as the caller) a favor.  The least you can do is minimize my challenge in doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I decide that John isn't in, and I offer to take a message, then maybe I will be fortunate enough that you'll say &quot;No thanks.  [I'll call back later.]&quot;  Great.  Then I didn't even need to take a message.  I certainly didn't need your name.  Thank you for not sharing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the flip side, if I am making a call, my desired intention is to reach someone (which I made clear by causing the phone to ring).  By asking for a person, I am clarifying who I am trying to reach.  Frankly, who I am really doesn't matter until after I get that person on the phone.  I really just need that person to have one piece of information: Who I am trying to reach.  Giving two names (who I want, and also who I am) just takes additional time from a person who has already started giving me time by answering the phone.  I'm not likely to rudely impose with my name, until asked.  (And, if I'm asked before the person does the decent thing of letting me know if they can get that person on the line, I made be mildly annoyed by the slight impoliteness of the call screening.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone starts asking me questions, like my identity, before giving any indication on whether they are going to cooperate with the common courtesy of getting the right person on the phone, then I am a bit surprised at the breach of what I believe to be the common courtesy (which I just identified).  At which point, I internally sigh and start judging whether I am getting anywhere towards reaching my goal (of being able to tell the information to the &lt;em&gt;desired&lt;/em&gt; recipient), or whether this person is going to waste too much of my time.  If the efforts demanded of me exceeds the importance of communicating now, I might just stop playing stupid games, and try contacting the person later, possibly in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To this day, I answer the majority of my phone calls by doing the polite thing, which is to provide my name to the person calling in my initial greet.  (&quot;Hello, this is X.&quot;)  The only times I tend not to do that is when caller ID indicates this is a person who will recognize my voice with a simple &quot;Hello&quot;, or when I am answering a phone number with which I am likely to receive calls by multiple people who may know me by different names (since, to avoid duplicate name collisions, I now primarily go by my middle name, but many people know me from before I tended to do that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T05:49:10.687" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2769" CreationDate="2017-08-29T05:50:06.937" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I think it does not really matter what you mention as feedback.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume your colleagues are well aware of the long term positives:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am on treatment plans and actually in a great place health-wise compared to a few years ago&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As well as the short term variations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;, but some days are inevitably rougher than others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you say, if you end with &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;thanks for asking&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you will communicate your appreciation that it was enquired about. Especially accompanied by a big/small/wry smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That may actually be the main thing to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T05:50:06.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2817" CreationDate="2017-08-29T07:54:57.607" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it is something you do as a favour, for a friend or someone you know, I think it would be fine to simply ask him how the interview went. Also ask him his personal tips to improve your preparing skills. You should specifcy that you want to get better at this, therefore his feedback is extremly important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do this as a job this is different. Simply calling your client for feedback might be considered unprofessional and maybe rude. Therefore I suggest that you specify how important their feedback is before you start preparing him. And maybe also at the end. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good luck for the job interview! I would appreciate some feedback on my work, feel free to write at my email adress!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T08:06:13.703" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T08:06:13.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2817" CreationDate="2017-08-29T08:16:36.133" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I'm looking for new work in my industry, it's common for me to go through the process with recruiters. As a rule ( at least here in the U.K. and in my industry ) its normal for the recruiter to call you ( or you call them) after the interview.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the call, the finer points of the interview will be discussed, with questions such as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;how did you feel about the interview/ the job/ the people&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;how do you think you did / what do you think they thought about you&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Do you/did they have any concerns or worries&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would perhaps approach this in a similar way, rather than ask if your help was of use, most people will be happy to talk about their experience and provide feedback that you might find useful. not only will it be of benefit to you, and with perhaps greater granularity than a simple 'how did it go' but it'll be useful for them as they'll be able to review their own responses in the interview.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't think of it as an imposition, but rather as part of the process in itself. As mentioned in another answer, it might also help to mention to the person that you intend to follow up after the interview to get see how it went and work forwards based on their feedback to help them improve for any future interviews.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also worth mentioning that often employers won't offer a job straight away, it may be weeks ( sometimes even months) before they get the job, and employers won't always contact those that are unsuccessful. in such cases there is nothing wrong with a follow on call to &quot;see how things are going&quot;, usually the person in question will have other interviews on the horizon that they will want assistance/help with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4421" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T11:40:01.347" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T11:40:01.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2720" CreationDate="2017-08-29T08:34:17.563" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think I can provide a different point of view here. The kid's view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I come from completely broken family. My parents divorced when I was ~20 after more or less 10 years of constant bickering, fighting, arguing and 'silent days' which were more like silent weeks/months. I am ~30 now, and while I more or less recovered from most of the damage and pushed my life forward, my sister is still on psychiatric drugs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, this 10 lost years didn't come from nothing. Because economic situation in my home country was horrible in the late '80 and in the '90, salaries of my parents (they both worked for their entire adult life) would be enough to barely survive, but that's it. I mean paying for home, food, bills and very rarely some second-hand clothes would eat what they've earned completely. So, my father in addition to his normal job, took side jobs at renovating. So, when we were kids, he mostly worked or slept, nothing more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as much as I admire his stalwart and selfless sacrifice, the extent of this approach was a grave mistake for us all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frustration and fatigue are funny things. If You're strong willed, if You're dedicated, if You have a reason, You can take a lot of them. Really lot. Way more than You think You can. But You can never perfectly contain them, they are like helium in a balloon. They bend Your mind and Your personality in subtle ways, barely visible even for very good and very close observers. A little to harsh voice here, a not-so-good choice of words there. Over time, a person loaded with these frustration and fatigue starts damaging his/her relationships and unknowingly spreads those things to people around. They don't destroy the connection the way drugs or alcohol do. They poison them, and through them, the people around You. And then You're all tired of each other, scared that even a single word can ignite a bomb, and frustration and fatigue of constant clashes build up and the vicious cycle becomes nigh-unbreakable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father faced a nearly impossible situation and did the best He could, with best intentions. But the result is, me and my sister, we've didn't know our father as kids, because he either wasn't there &lt;strong&gt;OR WAS TOO TIRED TO INTERACT.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Your situation may not be as dramatic economically, &lt;strong&gt;but fatigue is fatigue and if You just take it over time for whatever reason, it WILL destroy You and people around You.&lt;/strong&gt; The fact that most people need some private time, completely alone or at least focusing on things which regenerate them is that, A FACT. Use google scholar to find proper scientific publications to prove it to Your spouse if You have to, but find balance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cut Your private time a bit maybe, but make it good quality time and NEVER let it go completely. Set aside some time for kids, make this time regular, so that they KNOW it will happen again, that they can count on it like on sunrise. And this time too, make it quality time. Be fresh, be happy, be regenerated. They will profit from this thousand times more than from being forced to keep company to a person who is tired and doesn't really want be there - especially since kids are usually very good at seeing through the lies and facades of adults. Try to lure them into Your hobbies when they grow old enough (or maybe bit earlier), it's tricky but doable. My PhD advisor wrote his PhD with his daughter on lap - she was about 3 yo at the time and they both greatly enjoyed this. I got my fascination with science from my father - in one of extremely rare free moments he had, he showed me a block of very fun educational programs on TV when I was a kid. Optimize Your schedule and discipline to waste less time on stuff like shopping and cleaning so that You have more time for important things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But never, NEVER EVER take the &quot;act like an adult, suck it up&quot; approach and firmly stop any people who try to push You into this, because it brings a disaster of such proportions that if You haven't seen it, You could never predict it.&#xA;And typical expectations of behaviour in modern western societies don't have much in common with reality and wisdom anyway, so following them is bad in itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To bring happiness to Your kids, You have to be happy Yourself.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3395" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T08:34:17.563" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2827" CreationDate="2017-08-29T08:48:34.417" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a computer programmer, I've faced the issue of end users saying, &amp;quot;make it do [this],&amp;quot; when they didn't really have any idea what they were asking, but it is part of the designer/programmer/architect's job to know his or her area of expertise well enough to be able to put the task in terms that lay people can understand and so they can communicate intelligently about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As much of a headache as it sounds like these experiences have been for you, the good news is that they've probably taught you enough by now to help you sort out a system for yourself so that it doesn't have to be so difficult every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, you're compiling a portfolio of your work, even if this is just a side job. Pull everything out and have a look. Now ask yourself some questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What categories can you put the businesses or organizations that you've built websites for into?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who do they serve (church, disability, advocates/activists,&#xA;low-income, homeless)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do they serve them (direct service, information and referral,&#xA;technical information or legislative watchdog, community organizing)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are their funding sources (government grants, fee-for-service,&#xA;non-government grants, a few philanthropists, community&#xA;fundraisers)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How large is their organization (does the whole thing consist of&#xA;four or five &amp;quot;board members&amp;quot; who do all the work, or do they have&#xA;office space, several employees, and some organizational structure)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you can kind of see who you're working for, I'm sure you can see trends or commonalities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What kinds of a) features, and b) overall website structures do most of the organizations in (pick any category or subcategory from above) ultimately end up being happiest with? What features best serve whatever that kind of organization is trying to accomplish? What do they really need?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can walk in with this amount of preparation, you should already be able to trim a half hour of frustration off the top.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you identify whether there will be back pages with products that they want to advertise with a revolving header banner vs using that area to connect visitors with other websites ... or if they intend to use the website to collect names to build a mailing list for community action alerts ... or if they'll just want an About Us and a landing page with some information that they'll update every few months, &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; (I think) you'll start talking about page layout. And again, you'll be leading that conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would you like your menu system to be a drop-down, going across below the header, or a vertical menu on the left side showing snippets of the pages they link to? What all menu headings will you want? Etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is at this stage, if they are still not able to give you any answers after you've presented everything you have as patiently as you were able to, that you need to realize that it is OK to tell them,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I believe it is too premature for me to be here. I think you need to come together yourselves and develop a vision of what you really need in a website. Ask yourselves how you'll use it, get some blank paper and design the layout, think about the menu bar and decide what you want included in yours. Look around the internet and see how other websites for similar organizations work. Find what you do like and what you don't like.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really believe that if you break this down really well, you'll know exactly what questions to ask to get to the heart of what they need (and if not, the above exit strategy should work nicely). In the end, the only &amp;quot;bells and whistles&amp;quot; most people really want is functionality. They just don't know the language to describe what they want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will be your job to bridge that gap, and to know the costs of various features, whether that's your time to set it up or the price tag on a bit of software, or both. Also, use your existing portfolio to show them possibilities. People like pictures!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T08:48:34.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-29T08:58:09.477" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I once had a dream where every piece of meat I ate killed a pink&#xA;  unicorn and their families kept crying. It was heartbreaking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't have to explain yourself.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people say things without thinking. Asking you why you don't drink (or whatever) is one of those occasions.&#xA;If they are genuinely interested in the answer, then they won't feel like the truth is an attack on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, most people aren't. They think it's odd that you don't drink (etc) and use the question as a way to let you know. They might even mean well, trying to get you to fit in more.&#xA;But while they are literally questioning your choices, an answer that might even only slightly imply that you might question theirs is suddenly you being arrogant or rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of good answers here but I'll suggest a different approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of trying to find a neutral, but informative answer, one kind of effective strategy is to counter question them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... why don't you drink alcohol?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you implying not drinking makes me less of a person? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What? No... It's just that everyone else does it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So you mean I should just do it because everyone does it? Give in to&#xA;  peer pressure?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well it's not like one drink is actually harmful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I still don't really understand why you're trying so hard to get me to do something I don't like...  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you know you don't like it though? Have you ever tried it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it really that important to you that I drink? Why? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not important, it's just that I think it's something you might enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So you enjoy it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But can't we be friends without me having to force myself to enjoy it, too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Important when using this strategy:&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;Never(!) answer any questions. If you run out of counters, just say nothing and think for a moment. You don't have to question their question ( :D ).&#xA;You can just ask something entirely different to distract from the fact you're not actually answering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They'll probably get tired at some point and give up sooner or later. &#xA;Sometimes though, you'll find really annoying people that just won't stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The great thing about this strategy is that instead of having to explain why you like it, it very quickly turns into them trying to explain why it's great without you taking the moral highground. So when you're finally out of ideas, you can just say that you feel you're being pressured and you don't really want to be. Should make any reasonable person stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2165" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T08:58:09.477" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-29T09:05:47.673" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Who should identify himself first on the phone: the caller or the&#xA;  person called?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're calling a romantic interest (or your tinder &quot;friend&quot;), you don't identify yourself first. For all you know, you're talking to the girlfriend or the boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're calling a business, the business receiving the call should always identify itself first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if a telemarketer, a debt collector, a scammer, a survey collector, or a business you just did business with, is calling a private individual. They're so afraid they'll get hung up on by the third party who answered your phone that they'll avoid saying as much as possible (and sometimes, they may even try to lie and imply that it's a personal call). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;END OF MY FORMAL ANSWER&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the US, that's actually a huge problem. I know someone mentioned the &quot;Do not call registry&quot; but political calls, political surveys, and fundraising calls for non-profits (or scam artists pretending to fundraise for non-profits) are exempt, and most of the robocalls and auto-dialing telemarketers call from Canada, or from halfway around the world. So there is really nothing we can do to go after them when they break the law. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What makes it worse is that those auto dialers and robocallers will also spoof their caller id with a local phone number which is purposefully very similar to the one they're calling. And many times, those robocallers will just abandon the call if they get a voice mail. Or the autodialers will abandon multiple ringing phones halfway through before a person picks up as soon as its own human operator is busy with another call. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So people call back those numbers thinking that they missed a legitimate call. And of course, those people calling you back won't say who they are first because they believe that you're the one who called them in the first place (although, if that's what happened, that can usually be ascertained, because they'll be telling you: No, you're the one who called me first! You tell me who you are.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Europe, this just does not happen. If you have a cell phone in Europe, and if you chose the same cheap cell plan that everyone else has. When a telemarketer calls your mobile, it's like they're calling a 900 number, so they're paying dearly for the call. In the US, that's just not possible. Very early on, the US congress made a law that said that phone calls to US cell phones should cost the exact same as phone calls to US landlines, which means they cost almost nothing to the caller (but that also means that cell phones in the US can have the same area codes as landlines). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is funny because Europe is supposed to be the socialist one with too many regulations and unintended consequences. But in this case, it's the socialist US over-regulation that created these zero-cost phone calls, which now unscrupulous telemarketers are taking advantage of by flooding our lines with millions of illegal robocalls each day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T09:05:47.673" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-29T10:22:31.680" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people want to &quot;convert&quot; you, sometimes they are just glad to find something to chat about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have lived without alcohol for health reasons, so I could say &quot;Doctor's orders.&quot; I also never drink and drive &quot;Nope, I'm driving&quot;. And sometimes I just don't want to; &quot;not today&quot; and sometimes &quot;I'm trying a year without.&quot; All valid things to say which can't really be disputed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I don't eat red meat &quot;no, no, my stomach disagrees with it&quot;. I was once a vegetarian, so &quot;seeing if I can live without. No, don't tempt me please.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then again, I don't normally drink coffee. &quot;No, I really prefer tea,&quot; &quot;no, it stops me from sleeping,&quot; &quot;no, I feel like just drinking juice,&quot; &quot;the tap water in this town is really fine, have you tried it?&quot; (No joke, I like tap water and drink it wherever I am.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never done recreational drugs. &quot;No, no for me. Just don't fancy it&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to keep polite and positive. Don't imply any moral superiority &quot;How can you eat dead animals, yuck!&quot;, rather go for &quot;barbecued vegetables, gorgeous, here, try one&quot;. You don't need to give a reason or enter into a discussion - just say, &quot;not for me today, thank you&quot;. They don't want to be converted either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T11:41:42.947" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T11:41:42.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2827" CreationDate="2017-08-29T10:34:01.727" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;To preface: I help make enterprise level web software for a living for a corporation who is new to software.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have learned (at great expense) two important principles that apply here and may help you. So, your official answer is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Apply the 'Make it Bluer' principle, and apply the Three Bears principle.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Don't worry, I'll explain both.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Make it Bluer&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply put, this principle is about customers not knowing what they want, but &quot;knowing it when they see it&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, they cannot articulate what it is they want (because they don't have the vocabulary to tell you), but they &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; tell you what is &lt;strong&gt;wrong&lt;/strong&gt; with what you put in front of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To apply this principle, make a very quick, cheap as you can, prototype that fits within the vague notions you have gotten from them about what it needs to do. This will be somewhat close to the &quot;mama bear&quot; solution that you will present in the three bears principle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Why is this called &quot;make it bluer&quot;? I once had a gig for a small company to make a corporate presence website. Their most important feedback was to make the text bluer. They didn't like how blue it was, and wanted it bluer. So I made it bluer. Then they decided that they didn't want it quite that blue, and could I please make it the blue I had it before.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a similar principle, look up &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_triviality&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Bikeshedding&lt;/a&gt;, which is related.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Three Bears&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(In case you are unfamiliar - this is the internet, and not all cultural references are the same - here's &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goldilocks_and_the_Three_Bears&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Goldilocks and the Three Bears&quot;&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the purposes of this principle, the &lt;strong&gt;Papa Bear&lt;/strong&gt; solution is the &quot;hard&quot; one. It takes the most time, takes the most resources, costs the most, and is invariably the best, most ideal solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the &quot;rocket to the moon&quot; that they ask for. Present it with a due diligence estimate, and present it first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;Mama Bear&lt;/strong&gt; solution is very little more than a prototype, and just barely (or &quot;bearly&quot;? - DAD JOKES!) does what it needs to do. It can be a few patch ups on your cheap prototype for the &quot;make it bluer&quot; section.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This takes the least time, costs the least amount of money, and might just be enough for your customer. Present it second.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;Baby Bear&lt;/strong&gt; is &quot;just right&quot;. It rides a balance between Mama and Papa bears. You present it last, so that your pitch involves:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Here's the Papa Bear solution, which fulfills your wildest dreams, and costs more money and time than you've got&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Here's the Mama Bear solution, which is cheap, quick, and kind of looks it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Here's the Baby Bear solution, which doesn't look as cheap as the Mama Bear, but doesn't have the features of the Papa Bear. However, you can afford it, and it won't take forever to make.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have used these principles and even the very terminology I present here in front of executives. Non-devs find these terms very approachable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T10:34:01.727" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="443" CreationDate="2017-08-29T11:24:53.760" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the perspective of a person with a &lt;em&gt;visible&lt;/em&gt; disability who quite often finds people parking in the Accessible Parking spots for &lt;strong&gt;truly&lt;/strong&gt; no good reason, it is somewhat heartening, I guess, to hear that so many able-bodied people are looking out (I wish they cared as much about the accessible bathroom stalls!), but... I find it absolutely deplorable that they're being so mean and angry about it. For what it's worth, I am really sorry you're experiencing this, especially so consistently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to begin by suggesting that if these same rude people were just a little better educated, their vigilance might actually be appreciated, because they'd be keeping spots safe for all of us, and not just people with disabilities that are obvious. (As it is, however, it seems like they're just being mean to anyone who looks different than what they think one should. And that's just bigotry in a different package. Pretty sad, really.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, I know from personal experience that it is very difficult to stick up for yourself, defend your rights, live with the disability itself, and keep a smile on your face and in your heart, every single day. For this reason, it is good to enlist help wherever you can, and I think this could help a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just got really good hits on Google for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;not all disabilities are visible sticker&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;not all disabilities are visible decal&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;not all disabilities are visible patch&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;not all disabilities are visible bumper sticker&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure you don't want your vehicle to be a constant advertisement of your disability, but I think if you look around in those searches you could probably find something quite tasteful and appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, you can say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Look, I appreciate what you're doing (though not your indiscriminate approach). Now, will the &lt;em&gt;very visible decal&lt;/em&gt; on my window, or this patch on my lapel, be enough for you [you would point at either of them at this point], or will you need to hear my unpronouncable diagnoses or see some documentation? [Assuming they back off] Thank you. Good day.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this approach, by presenting a visual for people, you're not only defending yourself but you're making a small, daily impact toward the education of the ignorant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For that, thank you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="3062" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T19:01:03.400" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T19:01:03.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2849" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-29T11:46:24.850" Score="10" ViewCount="1070" Body="&lt;p&gt;Today I had a rather larger sty on my lower eyelid, big enough that you could unmistakably see it within a couple of metres. I also had a meeting with my lecturer, that I needed to go to in order to ask some questions about an assignment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the trip there and back I wore sunglasses, so that other people wouldn't have to look at it, and so I wouldn't be stared at. But I felt that during the meeting it would be rude to wear sunglasses, as it was indoors and pretty close and personal, so I didn't wear them there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Knowing that the other students and he would have to stare at it and just try and ignore it made me pretty uncomfortable, so I was wondering if:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;there's any accepted responses for this, or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;whether there was anything I could've done to alleviate my or their discomfort.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4498" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T07:54:25.990" LastActivityDate="2019-07-17T16:25:55.613" Title="Sty on my eye, how to handle a meeting with my lecturer?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;illness&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2019-07-19T04:39:37.850" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2850" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2750" CreationDate="2017-08-29T11:56:59.017" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It would appear that this person was once happy with the make-up of the group of friends, but is now dissatisfied, for whatever reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point out that fact - you never tried to 'change us for the better before', 'you were happy calling X the TBG before - and at the end of the day, that's actually his preferred title within &lt;em&gt;our&lt;/em&gt; group of friends', 'you were happy with us as we were a few weeks ago.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another tactic, pre-rehearsed, might be for every single person in the group to suddenly remain silent for a whole minute, immediately she's said something untoward. No eye contact, no movement, until after that minute (or so), someone starts a completely different subject conversation. She may ask what it's all about, and that can be ignored. It should be fairly obvious after a few times, and after several periods of that, someone may say 'it's to save the friendship of the group.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.&#xA;Other than that, it's time to reform - that's re-form- the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1655" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T11:56:59.017" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2852" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2750" CreationDate="2017-08-29T12:16:57.287" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has genuinely changed, is happy with her new character, has other friends outside of your group where she fits in better, then it may be time for her to move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems more likely to me that she has just slipped into some bad (disrespectful) habits. If her behaviour is alienating her friends, then she will be feeling that friction somehow. &quot;Why isn't X returning my phone call?&quot;, &quot;Why are Y &amp;amp; Z meeting for lunch but didn't ask me?&quot; and so on. It may be that she hasn't made the connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are the friendships that she is potentially losing worth more to her than whatever intellectual satisfaction she gets form brow-beating you? I hope so! Someone needs to sit her down one-to-one and explain this to her (and it sounds as though that person is you). Make her feel valued, loved, and aware of the choice she is making. A cynical worldview is a choice and it can be un-made. You're giving her another perspective, not an ultimatum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was this same person about 25 years ago and will always be grateful to the friend who opened my eyes with a stern but loving talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4520" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T12:16:57.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2853" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2892" CreationDate="2017-08-29T12:21:11.817" Score="9" ViewCount="562" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a member of a programmers' society email group. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently sent a member a personal, private email regarding their behaviour in the forum. I didn't want to reduce the standing of the person publicly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That person's response was to quote my personal message and reply to the group in public. I felt a lack of consideration for my privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In their public reply they said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you don't want everyone to see it, you probably shouldn't be sending it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to be not uncommon to &quot;force replies on-list&quot; for this particular group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't think at the time to mention why I was replying off-list.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is no rule to make things known to everyone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the first time I've come across such a behaviour pattern considered &quot;the way things are done&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are the advantages and disadvantages of public replies to private messages in terms of building a friendly society? Is this a common practice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4521" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T15:44:55.090" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T15:44:55.090" Title="Public replies to private messages" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="443" CreationDate="2017-08-29T12:44:39.247" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Call to authority in this case - keep around whatever official documentation (eg said disabled parking permit) defines your right to use these parking spots, and do not be ashamed to show them to anyone asking rudely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone questions the moral validity of these documents, keep the mindset that they show that it has been officially decided that you are meant to use these parking spots, and that any argument others have is with whoever issued them, not with you. Internalize that attitude: Your doctor decided it, he knows what's best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anyone actually calls your documentation fake, make it clear that they just wrongfully accused you of criminal behaviour (which document forgery is in most countries) and that they are welcome to take that to the police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T12:44:39.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2853" CreationDate="2017-08-29T12:44:47.380" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a tricky issue on how to build a good group. Keeping everything in a public forum and having no private messages can be a nice way of building a respectful society if it is carried out properly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Advantages&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Fewer personal conflicts, everyone knows about the relationships within the group.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Conflicts can be seen and possibly solved by members outside of the debate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Creating a group ethic or code of conduct so there is less rudeness between members.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disadvantages&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People may have problems but choose to remain silent as they don't want to make it public so the conflict doesn't really get solved.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It can be used to shame other members publicly about their conduct.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It doesn't respect people's privacy, not every conversation needs to be made public.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately not everyone will always do that and &lt;em&gt;bitter&lt;/em&gt; people may use it to their advantage like I mentioned by shaming other members or people may just choose not to discuss their problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends on the people at the end of the day...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4518" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T12:44:47.380" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-29T12:55:20.737" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wonder if this is acceptable in an online culture, especially with the swarm of new gender pronouns that I'm currently oblivious about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The internet is a big place and there is no one 'online culture', the best idea in order to communicate clearly in an online community is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lurk around a little and see what kind of language other people use. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;See what is or isn't appropriate in the chat room.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you error - err on the side of caution.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example - using &quot;Guys&quot; is entirely in place in the Stack Overflow JavaScript chatroom but that is not &lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/akras14/status/890583088740261888&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;not the case everywhere&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DFv8mEhUIAAk19D.jpg&quot; width=&quot;400&quot; &gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T12:55:20.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-29T13:00:11.927" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whatever other's standpoint is on drinking alcohol and eating animal products:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are choices that have strong consequences. No one can deny that alcohol comes with a risk of addiction, and that consuming more than you are comfortable with doesn't exactly make you feel good. No one can deny that animal welfare is at least a serious issue with animal based foods.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, what you put INSIDE yourself (food and drink) is a very intimate choice - parallel to other areas of life perfectly intended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both are more than good enough reasons to argue that YOU should decide what, when, and to what extent to consume of these - not anyone else or their social norm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But: Don't complain too much (&quot;why does this place not offer better vegetarian foods etc etc...&quot;, &quot;why are these and these people so ignorant&quot;) - own your choices and live them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T13:00:11.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2761" CreationDate="2017-08-29T13:16:56.413" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple answer: you can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A personal anecdote.  I don't type particularly loud, but I do touch-type, and when I'm in the zone then I can be typing fairly rapidly.  A couple of years ago, a co-worker moved desks and was sat behind me, in our open-plan office.  One day, I was working on something and pretty well absorbed in it, when she stood up and said loudly, &quot;Graham, I can't stand being here with you typing that loud&quot; and walked out.  Cue shocked silence from the office, followed by total laughter.  That story followed her until she left the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your co-working space is in your company offices, and the desks are so flimsy that typing is enough to shake them, then you need to be talking to your Health and Safety department about the quality of those desks affecting your working environment.  In most places round the world, getting H&amp;amp;S involved will make sure something happens about it.  You can't ask your colleague to change his typing though, because whatever he's doing is almost certainly within the normal limits of what can be expected in a shared working space, unless he's actually punching the keyboard.  His typing style is his way of working, and is equally valid to your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your co-working space is not in your company offices - perhaps it's an airport or a train - then you have even less right to ask for anyone around you to change.  I'm afraid you're in a public place, and it's not your space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T13:16:56.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2853" CreationDate="2017-08-29T13:23:31.640" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;On a purely theoretical note an advantage is, with all things public, the group may operate under complete transparency, where nothing is hidden, and &quot;all the cards are out on the table&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a more practical note, transparency winds up showing both the best and worst of human interaction. People will disagree, and may disagree vehemently, passionately, belligerently, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if all responses are public, and this is known by all, then maybe (but only maybe) responses will be more civil. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer is above. Editorializing is below.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am off, here, let me know (and I'll chop out this part of my answer), but I tried to put myself into your shoes and think of reasons why one would attempt reaching out individually to a member of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it appears to have become a problem after doing so, I'm going to make the assumption it was somewhere in the &quot;Dude! That wasn't cool!&quot; category of emails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You had, I fully expect, noble intent. Your goal was to help someone aware of a potentially or overtly offensive behavior, let us say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They had, I piece together from the clues, a negative response to this that they responded to the group with. Their perception, I assume, was not that you were trying to help them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Intent, as it turns out, doesn't really seem to matter, which seems to fly in the face of what many of us have been taught, which is &quot;It is the thought that counts.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, you have learned (or re-learned) the potentially costly lesson: emails, forum posts, IMs are zero cost to replicate and infinitely replicated easily. They can also have long term impact on the rest of your life, reputation, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you know an individual well, you may wish to reconsider sending a &quot;Dude! That's Not Cool!&quot; email. As often as not, such an email will be used as a rope to hang you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T13:23:31.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2776" CreationDate="2017-08-29T13:25:35.723" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Cook with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go shopping with them - on a &quot;95% of the shopping cart contents should be what a skilled cook would call an ingredient&quot; policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't limit the choice of recipe - most &quot;junk foods&quot; are reasonably difficult and work-intensive if you want to make them yourself to a good standard. And it is good exactly that way - you are not taking anything away but convenience, and you get physical activity out of it. Example: a good plate of chips, done the oldschool way (starting with spuds), means you have to pay plenty of attention to making your food (especially if working with a pan, not an appliance deep frier.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T13:25:35.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-29T13:53:01.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The term &quot;guys&quot; can be considered &lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/11816/is-guy-gender-neutral/31289#31289&quot;&gt;gender neutral&lt;/a&gt; in contexts, such as this one, that support such an interpretation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it is fine to you use &quot;guys&quot; to address &quot;people&quot; in this context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T13:53:01.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-29T13:56:40.980" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: Yes, it's fine... if you're a guy!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question is a good opportunity to introduce the quite recent idea of &lt;strong&gt;speaker-corresponding gender&lt;/strong&gt;. (This is an approximate literal translation from French &lt;em&gt;&quot;Accord au genre du locuteur&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and a better English speaker than I might know a more exact translation.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The stance I offer you is a quite new and opinionated one, but it brings the benefits of building many bridges between otherwise divided groups.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This whole &quot;rule&quot; of grammar is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When addressing to or talking about a person (or group) whom gender is unknown to you (or not uniform in the group), use pronouns and nouns which would be suitable to qualify a person (or group) of your own gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has various pros:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It allows you to address groups or talk about unknown people without making assumptions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It ensures that on average, people or groups of undetermined gender will be referred to with every gender, in a proportion representative of their occurrence in the population.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is not binary and allows for other genders expressions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It allows you to broadcast your gender in a subtler way than if you were speaking about yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This particular last point is extremely useful when the speaker is often misgendered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two things to keep in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This last point is fine and dandy if the speaker is ok with their gender being disclosed. This grammar &quot;rule&quot; maybe a poor choice if it's not the case.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As you can tell from my previous sentence, I believe it's up to everyone to choose the set of grammar rules they live by, at least regarding these currently-evolving topics, as long as they are explainable and provide society as a whole with some benefits.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4530" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T12:21:18.357" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T12:21:18.357" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2776" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:01:42.763" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;They also serve who only stand and wait.&quot; (Milton) What your friend needs more than anything else is moral support. So stand by and provide it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's doing anything obviously wrong (to a layman) such binge eating, point it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not a professional so there isn't a whole lot that you should be doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:01:42.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2750" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:03:01.937" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd attempt to deal with this privately, politely, and firmly.  People behave differently if they're in a group or feel watched; often that they have to do the right thing, or that they have to be louder and dominant.  Bring your friend aside and have a chat.  Firstly ask if there's anything wrong.  They may be acting out due to something completely unrelated.  Regardless of whether this is true or not, you need to put things simply.  Something like this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Recently you've become very passionate about politics.  That's fine,&#xA;  we like discussing politics as you know.  But the way you're&#xA;  expressing your opinions is aggressive. It is pushing us&#xA;  away from you.  Which is a problem because we do enjoy&#xA;  spending time with you.  I understand these things are important to you, but  being confrontational isn't going to convince anyone.&#xA;  All that will happen is you'll lose friends.  I don't want that to&#xA;  happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply, you must put things clearly.  Begin by acknowledging their feelings, and agreeing at least in part on something.  Better to focus on a single point you do really agree with as an example.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You then stress that you enjoy their company and appreciate them.  But that this is at risk because of their behaviour.  If they have something to say, listen.  Be patient.  Attempt to see from their perspective.  It often helps to parrot back things they say to acknowledge them.  &quot;This is demeaning to women.&quot; &quot;I understand that you feel this is disrespectful to women... I just don't understand-&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always bring it back to the point: it's not what you believe, it's how you're choosing to express this, which is driving us apart.  Ask them if they understand that, and if they understand that &lt;strong&gt;being confrontational is the absolute least effective way possible&lt;/strong&gt; to try and get people to see things from their perspective.  These aren't rhetorical questions, you need to see if they are genuinely aware of what's going on.  They may not be.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately your aim here is to re-establish respect and kindness between your friends.  And you can't do that without demonstrating it yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1923" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:03:01.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2868" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2882" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:07:15.123" Score="25" ViewCount="7693" Body="&lt;p&gt;In The Netherlands, Sweden, and the United Kingdom, I have noticed that when some people talk to babies, they raise the pitch of their voice.  Apparently it's &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.sciencefocus.com/qa/why-do-we-raise-our-voice-pitch-when-we-speak-babies&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the same in other cultures&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently this serves &lt;a href=&quot;https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-purpose-of-baby-talk/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;some purpose&lt;/a&gt; but it may not be entirely clear if it helps the baby (&lt;em&gt;One compelling theory is that we talk to babies this way not so much for their sake, but for our own&lt;/em&gt;).  Should I join in this pitch-raising stuff or is it OK if I talk normally?  Note that I rarely talk to babies, but it may happen when visiting friends or family or when someone brings a baby to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="40" LastEditorUserId="40" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T14:22:09.467" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:27:57.640" Title="Should I join others in raising the pitch of my voice when talking to babies?" Tags="&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1671" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:10:24.363" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question title is somewhat confusing in that 'someone with dark brown skin who is not African American' can possibly be interpreted as a somewhat dark person &lt;em&gt;not from African ancestry&lt;/em&gt; (such as Indians from India, which is what I am) but that is is not what you refer to in the explanation of your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really mean 'how to describe a &lt;em&gt;dark-skin-color individual of African origin who is from neither Africa nor America but the Caribbean&lt;/em&gt;', then there is a term called &lt;strong&gt;Afro-Caribbean&lt;/strong&gt; which means exactly that person. See the many descriptions and definitions of the word here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=Afro-Caribbean&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=Afro-Caribbean&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is from Africa you can call them African which refers to the continent and if they are actually from India you call them Indian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T14:17:41.927" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:17:41.927" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2871" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:12:41.537" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T14:12:41.537" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:12:41.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2872" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:12:41.537" Score="0" Body="For questions about asking for, offering, accepting, or declining help." OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T14:33:28.883" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:33:28.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2632" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:16:43.407" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to counterbalance other answers. I think the previously said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Put the situation in a position to avoid him opening up to you in the first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is a dangerous approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you prevent him from opening to you, it could be harder from him to &lt;strong&gt;move on&lt;/strong&gt;. Some people need indeed a clear refusal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What could happen if you deny him this &quot;no&quot; ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He could resent you, and develop in some case hateful feelings towards you, especially if he understands that you were oblivious on purpose, for example. He could think that you weren't really honest with him.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He could be very, very frustrated because he'd feel that he hadn't the courage to confess. This is something that can be important for men, and he could see himself as a coward if he don't take this action.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What if you let him come to you and give him a clear refusal ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Chances are that he'll see you as, at least, honest. After the initial shock, things are easier this way, because there is nothing to reproach to anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Chances are too that he'll be proud of himself. Taking a &quot;no&quot; is a hard experience, but gathering the courage to ask is valorized in western culture and society, and he shouldn't have any regret after this. It should be easier to move on, again.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What about the confession itself ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think other answers handled this well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be honest&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't try to come up with excuses&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let him some space after it, but show him that you're here if needed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4534" LastEditorUserId="4534" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T14:31:40.940" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:31:40.940" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2874" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2919" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:21:08.093" Score="9" ViewCount="1601" Body="&lt;p&gt;From time to time I go out with my friends and their partners (or even at work during lunch time), and sometimes my love life is brought into the conversation (since I have the right age to start a family, and I am the only single of the group).&lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I perfectly know that it's only small talks, but each time I give an answer it takes a bunch of time to change the topic. Is there any tactics to change the subject quickly (and possibly not brutally)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the moment I tried the following scenario:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling the raw truth (which lead to a bunch of questions)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Faking a nonunderstanding (then they usually insist)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Faking a nonhearing (same result)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoiding the question with a neutral joke (I would not say a thing until I talk to a lawyer)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoiding the question with a depreciative joke (Do you have some friend to get rid off?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[1] My friends know perfectly how sensitive it is for me, so it's basically their partners or my colleagues&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4531" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T14:35:40.130" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T20:22:21.737" Title="How to stop conversations about my love life?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2875" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2868" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:21:19.900" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I had my first baby, I also figured that doing the baby-talk was silly and decided not to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I started actually talking to the baby, and for whatever reason it's almost impossible to prevent yourself from doing it. (Unless consciously thinking about it, but you don't have much time for that if you're taking care of a baby)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So feel free to &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt; and talk normally, but realize that this isn't &lt;em&gt;learned&lt;/em&gt; behavior, it's mostly subconscious. Most people talk to babies with a high-pitched voice automatically, and don't even realize they are doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way; the baby is likely to not care a lot, especially if you're not the parent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The parents probably don't mind much either. I sure wouldn't mind. Not everyone is &quot;good with babies&quot;, so most parents are pretty forgiving of people acting differently around them. Plus, most parents are damn proud of their little creation, so unless you're scaring it they probably don't really mind what you do, exactly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T14:25:29.420" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:25:29.420" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2868" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:23:50.507" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've asked myself that same question for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The people you describe generally use that weird way of talking with babies, animals, people they believe are mentally handicapped and sometimes small children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After having witnessed that kind of behaviour for years, my best guess is that since they - consciously or not - &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that the person or animal they are facing doesn't understand their talking, they try to make their voice entertaining. I believe it is a way to catch the attention of the person or animal and the words are more for themselves or the people around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for whether or not you should mimic them, I leave you to make your choice. I personally never do it :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't talk to animals since they wouldn't understand it, there is no point.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talking that way to people is disrespectful. People with a mental handicap can still understand speech most of the time, and using a weird voice won't help anyway, but nice touch using your the voice you use with animals and babies, very compassionate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Since kids are expected to speak like other adults do, there is no point in using a weird artificial voice and tone with them. Moreover, babies are I the process of learning spoken language. That's far from doing them a favor.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Disrespect aside, am I the only one who finds that behaviour frankly ridiculous ?!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, do what you want, but you are not alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T08:21:19.323" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:21:19.323" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2827" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:24:51.973" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are three techniques that I use on a regular basis for managing these types of vague project &quot;requirements&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The first is to focus on their goals in specific terms.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They want it to look &quot;whiz bang&quot;?  &lt;strong&gt;Why?&lt;/strong&gt;  Is it to increase new visits?  Is it to improve retention and engagement?  Is it to coincide with a rebranding effort that exists outside of the website?  Have they received negative feedback that they're trying to address (if so, ask for the specific feedback as close to verbatim as possible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many times the &quot;bells and whistles&quot; requested by customers are indicative of XY problems.  They know what is broken, but what they communicate to you is how they assume it should be fixed.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know what is broken, you may wind up trying to create a solution for the wrong problem (e.g. you create an entirely new design, when all that was really needed was clarification on a few confusing navigation options).  A large part of what you're bring to the table is knowing specific solutions to specific problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The second is to break tasks into manageable chunks.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really have no clear direction, and you're concerned that they'll suffer &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sticker%20shock&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;sticker shock&lt;/a&gt;, a price list for specific features and tasks will probably be to your advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Creating a basic color scheme and layout, new navigation, custom animations or effects, image carousels, forms, etc., are all things that can be identified and priced.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they want 6 different custom &quot;contact us&quot; options, all with different fields and associated validation options, they may change their mind once they see how much each option costs them, and instead settle for a single generic form.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may really have their hearts set on different custom animations for each and every page, but may agree to just having one on the home page if it will keep it in their budget.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The third is to show, don't tell.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mockups and wireframes are incredibly helpful.  You can describe what you intend as much as you want, in as much detail as you want, but nothing compares to showing them.  There have been too many instances where I explained (repeatedly) how something would work, had the customer say &quot;okay, I understand&quot;, only to have the customer say &quot;I didn't realize that's what you meant&quot; when they actually saw it on the screen for the first time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if what you show them is crude and incomplete, it is better than any amount of words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:24:51.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2874" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:39:17.457" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;People like talking about themselves. I'd give a generic response then immediately turn the focus onto them and let them talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, just not at that stage in my life yet, but what about you? How was your trip to Hawaii with John?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or any question about or directed towards them. It could be about their life/family but if you want to even stray away from that you could ask about current events, movies, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T14:39:17.457" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1671" CreationDate="2017-08-29T14:44:31.710" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;By Name, Role, or Title&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The correct way to refer to someone you work with is by name, or by their title if they have a distinct title.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any time you start describing someone by their appearance in a professional setting you are opening yourself up to having what you say misconstrued or unintentionally reveal your biases(real or perceived).  Instead go for non-divisive descriptors like their name, role, title etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, when the coworker came by your friend should have said something like &quot;I am sorry I do not remember your name.&quot; Or &quot;I am not sure ill be around how about leaving him a message from my note pad.&quot; Either one of these avoids that unfortunate exchange.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone starts trying to describe someone to you, it's best to try to ask questions that lead them away from physical descriptions.  The reason is there is always the potential that the person will describe them using some characteristic that may seem, to someone just overhearing that part, inappropriate.  Your being part of that conversation may result in sensitivity training, or even some sort of censure at work like a written warning for harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So after the first exchange where the coworker tried to use a physical description I would have asked specific questions like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What team are they on?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What do they do?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Who do they work with?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These questions are likely to be more useful than any physical description anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T08:09:46.243" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:09:46.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2868" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:01:12.607" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://parenting.stackexchange.com/q/307&quot;&gt;&quot;Baby Talk&quot; may be beneficial to babies&lt;/a&gt;.  There is &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.cmu.edu/PR/releases05/050315_babytalk.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;evidence that it can help babies identify words earlier&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question, though...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I join in this pitch-raising stuff or is it OK if I talk normally?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes, it is perfectly fine if you talk normally.&lt;/strong&gt;  If you have limited exposure to the children, then any benefit from you using &quot;baby talk&quot; will be minimal at best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some parents may actually dislike having people talk to their children using &quot;baby talk&quot;, and I've seen parents irately ask others to talk to their child &quot;normally&quot;.  I have never met a parent who expressed disapproval over someone speaking to their child in a normal tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T16:32:00.870" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T16:32:00.870" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2883" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2888" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:04:04.007" Score="145" ViewCount="25138" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a physician for more than three decades and a Molecular Biologist before that, I know a lot of science and medicine (I also keep up with the literature.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that people hold on tightly to their beliefs about health matters, and many don't know how to search or evaluate the literature to inform their beliefs. I don't mind this; I don't know anything about an enormous number of things, but I like to learn. An extreme example of this is anti-vaxxers, but there are much 'softer' positions that are equally incorrect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people find out socially that I'm a doctor, they want to discuss Big Pharma, conspiracy theories (e.g. doctors know the cure for cancer but are withholding it to make money), want to know if I'm a &quot;Lyme-literate&quot; doctor (Southcentral PA is a Lyme hotspot, so it's a very real concern here), or want to discuss a particular disease and what causes it. I don't take offense at these approaches, because I hope to help people understand, and sometimes I actually succeed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But sometimes they go nowhere, or worse. For example, if I cite a study on dogs, they'll reply, &quot;But dogs aren't people!&quot; without knowing that dogs are an incredibly good model for human disease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday I was speaking with a breeder about a disease my dog has. She doesn't trust vets (they're in it for the money) and said it wasn't possible that my dog had (x), that I shouldn't have (a radiological study to determine the extent of x), that I should just change the dog's diet. When I said I've treated the same disease in people and this test is necessary, she shouted, &quot;BUT DOGS AREN'T PEOPLE!!!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her that she was right, that dogs aren't people, but they are an incredibly important model for human disease, and that many breakthroughs in medicine were thanks to the study of the same disease occurring in dogs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She then snorted that doctors are in it for the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like being social, I like discussions, and sometimes the discussions are fruitful and satisfying. Sometimes they're only frustrating. I don't like being rude, so I engage in these discussions not knowing which direction they'll take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never said, &quot;I don't discuss medicine off-duty&quot;. Or &quot;I don't discuss science.&quot; I would feel I was being rude and antisocial. If I just change the topic, it's clear I simply disagree. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I break this cycle?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edited to add (in response to comments): I &lt;em&gt;rarely&lt;/em&gt; tell people I'm just meeting that I'm a doctor. If I'm asked directly, I'll answer honestly. I love science and will bring it up (did you hear about [amazing breakthrough of the year]?) but I will not bring up medicine unless it's with friends who know I'm a doctor and it's something funny. I address people at their level; you can't communicate effectively with a patient (or anyone else) without taking note of their own level of comprehension and using it yourself. (It's not an &quot;I'm smarter than you&quot; thing. I &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be smarter about some things, but I guarantee I'm downright stupid when it comes to technology and a bazillion other things.) My work has been &lt;em&gt;caring for people&lt;/em&gt;, and I care deeply about people who put their health in my hands. Can't say that extends to everyone I meet, though. I write much more formally than I speak. Finally, the dog conversation happens a lot because I used to be a breeder (Border Collies, the best dogs in the world!) and I know a lot of dog people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Btw, I love dogs and don't like the thought of experiments on dogs or any other animal. I'm a &quot;flexitarian&quot;, which means I rarely eat meat. That's because I love animals, not because I think meat is unhealthy. But scientists work on dogs despite my feelings.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5070630/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dogs have approximately the same number of genes as humans, most of them being close orthologues... Importantly, pet dogs share also the environmental conditions of their owners and are thus not only affected by genetic traits but also by “life style.”&lt;/a&gt; Hundreds of spontaneously occurring common canine conditions are analogous to human diseases such as diabetes, cancers, epilepsies, eye diseases and autoimmune diseases, not to mention the high numbers of rare monogenic diseases.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T16:40:38.103" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T17:53:29.127" Title="Arguing science with a passionate non-scientist?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;discussions&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="37" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2884" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:08:55.793" Score="17" ViewCount="5459" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother died 2 years ago and left a house to me and my two younger brothers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She wasn't very good with money and got herself in financial difficulty about 10 years ago and had to be helped with a loan from my uncle to stop her house from being repossessed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was a contract between them so legally there is no dispute, the contract was for 3% simple interest per year on the loan amount. Also my mother offered to repay the money owed 18 months before her death, the offer was refused due to my uncles legal/business problems at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is this, My uncle says that he took out a mortgage of his own to lend the money to my mother (this only came to light after my mother died and the mortgage documents he has to prove this are dated one month after the contract he had with my mother).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He wants to be repaid the loan amount, all of the repayments he has made towards the mortgage he took out and 3% interest on the repayments he has made. In addition to this he has difficulty showing the specific repayment amounts because at some point he rolled the mortgage up into another mortgage for a larger amount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My uncle won't be happy if he doesn't get what he has asked for and might cause difficulty for me and my brothers in our extended family. Me and my two brothers each hold different opinions on this issue and we cannot find a way to reconcile them. My eldest brother only wants to pay what is in the contract, I want to pay an amount that wouldn't see my uncle out of pocket for helping my mother and my youngest brother wants to pay him whatever he has asked for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not know how to move forward with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already sought legal council and legally any challenge to the contract is extremely unlikely to succeed, this question is only about the family conflict and how to deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2899" LastEditorUserId="2899" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T15:54:32.287" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:04:57.080" Title="Difficult family conflict about inheritance" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2776" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:12:19.123" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are appropriate ways to support someone who is trying to lose weight? How can I encourage her in a healthy way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get her to do a little bit of exercise. I'm not talking about going to the gym unless that's your thing, but you can do very simple things, like having a walk together while chatting. Use your smartphone GPS, start low like a few miles, and make sure you got proper shoes. At first the goal is not to exercise, but to get her out of the &quot;I can't exercise because it's too hard&quot; mindset (if that is indeed the case, maybe she's already exercising). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, try to convince her that a little afterwork walk is a relaxing way to end a stressful day, aim for 30-60 minutes of gentle exercise. That burns little calories, you gotta be careful about what you eat afterward because it'll make you hungry, but it works. Once she's a little bit fitter, you can suggest other, more intense activities, but it is important to start low so she's not discouraged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did somethink like that a while ago with a buddy: we got shredded by drinking beer every day after work. The trick is that we had to have the beer in a bar which was 10km away, and get there using our bicycles... then when it got too easy we picked a bar further away. The record was 160km roundtrip, but you really gotta do that on weekend, because it does take a while!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for food, it's simple: no processed sugars, no junk food, medium amount of fat, veggies, and sort the rest by glycemic index, make sure you cook and not buy processed junk, and make it tasty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you both get hungry and crave for a snack in the middle of the afternoon, I've found adding lentils to the menu at midday to be quite excellent. You can cook them in many ways (like curry etc), they taste quite good, and they're a really slow burning fuel (low glycemic index). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was looking for food that was easy to carry in a backpack and would get me on top of the mountain nearby without getting too hungry on the way, so I tried various combinations, and found out that stuff like lentils, peas, whole grain rice, basically everything that has carbs but low glycemic index provides energy for a really long time without craving for a snack...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This worked on my dad too. He has a little bit of diabetes. His breakfast was white bread slices dipped in tea, so by 11AM he was in hypoglycemia and binging on junk food. Fix was to reduce the bread and switch to brown bread, and add like 50 grams of lentils or baked beans to the breakfast, maybe an egg or a bit of fat like a sausage... no more hypoglycemia!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T15:12:19.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2886" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2898" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:27:02.090" Score="2" ViewCount="1001" Body="&lt;p&gt;I commute by train and lately, this woman is stalking me. Today she sat next to me and while I was reading a book she asked me which book was it, then she asked if I was married. To which I said yes and she quickly packed her bags and went away. It has been annoying and uncomfortable seeing her as this is the second time she stopped me to ask about my marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have studied in a boys school and haven't much interaction with female or female colleagues, just a few very close one and I have issues with women related to trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is a woman and it is a train which she takes and I take, so,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I, in polite and gentle way, ignore her while not offending her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4551" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T16:34:13.680" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T07:24:02.453" Title="How to ignore someone who is stalking you?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:28:45.837" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a particularly tricky question.&#xA;&quot;can you have a discussion with them?&quot; has a very basic answer - it's not possible.&#xA;It simply isn't possible to discuss science when another participant is discussing dogma. When basic principles (of both science and debate) are ignored in favour of 'the truth'. Your well researched and experienced opinion is never going to be able to compete. Simply put 'the truth' in such cases isn't something that can be argued with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can you deal with situations like this without seeming to be rude or judgemental?&#xA;I often resort to one or all of the following&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;oh, I didn't know that&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I couldn't really comment on it before I've read up on it&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I'd be interested in seeing where you read that&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something similar. &#xA;This givens them some measure of validation, or at least does not contradict their belief, yet allows the conversation to move on to another subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact I usually do read up about their point(s) afterwards. Usually just for my own amusement, as even if you found a good argument they'd already have some reason to disbelieve it eg. &quot;they're only in it for the money&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4421" LastEditorUserId="4421" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T15:57:51.530" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T15:57:51.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:29:59.377" Score="107" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's usually not much benefit in arguing in a situation such as you described.  When people have passionate opinions on topics, it is extremely difficult to discuss a different perspective without one or both sides becoming defensive (or offensive).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-convince-someone-when-facts-fail/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;This &lt;em&gt;Scientific American&lt;/em&gt; article&lt;/a&gt; discusses two of the major obstacles in perspective-changing: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-choice/201504/what-is-confirmation-bias&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;confirmation bias&lt;/a&gt; and the &lt;a href=&quot;https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Backfire_effect&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;backfire effect&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once an emotional response to a topic occurs (such as shouting, or outright refusing to acknowledge a point), it is best to disengage, at least temporarily.  A change of topic gives the person you're talking with an opportunity to let their emotions cool, at which point they may be more willing to listen (or not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple statement of concern about the disagreement is usually enough to get them to agree to a topic change:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to start an argument, and it seems like we disagree pretty strongly on this topic.  Can we talk about something else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;Scientific American&lt;/em&gt; article also offers some good general strategies:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;keep emotions out of the exchange&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;discuss, don't attack (no &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ad_hominem&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;ad hominem&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; and no &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reductio_ad_Hitlerum&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;ad Hitlerum&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;listen carefully and try to articulate the other position accurately&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;show respect&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;acknowledge that you understand why someone might hold that opinion&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;try to show how changing facts does not necessarily mean changing worldviews. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="4553" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T16:13:28.053" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T16:13:28.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:30:27.210" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a difficult phrase to give advice on.  I am comfortable saying that the &lt;em&gt;vast&lt;/em&gt; majority of individuals have no problem with a mixed group being addressed as &quot;guys.&quot;  It's a linguistic pattern that's hundreds, if not thousands, of years old which has appeared in many languages.  Indeed it's one of the examples used when pointing out that languages evolve to do what they will, not to follow rules.  The rules of grammar follow the language, not the other way around.  Gender agreement is a rule that was invented to describe languages which had common traits linking which word you use to the genitalia of the individual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in the current cultural environment, there is a minority who are vocally offended by such words.  They consider it incredibly offensive that the &quot;masculine&quot; word overrides the &quot;feminine&quot; one (nevermind that masculine and feminine words are &quot;rules&quot; created to describe the language, not rules to define it), and that such behavior is so ubiquitous that we don't even think about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it's really up to you and your group.  If you're in an environment where you are willing to offend those who are easily offended, using the very well accepted phrasings such as those using &quot;guys&quot; is going to be reasonable.  If you wish to please everybody, you could try using some of the other suggestions such as &quot;folks&quot; or &quot;everyone,&quot; but you run the risk of offending an even thinner-skinned group: those who are offended that the first group is offended by language.  There are those who see any attempt to adjust the English language to force it into being more &quot;gender neutral&quot; as offensive, and most of the time this means they trigger on absolutely everything except the most standard colloquial wordings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One solution which does succeed at avoiding offending everyone in many situations is to drop the word entirely.  Instead of saying &quot;See you later, guys!&quot; simply say &quot;See you later!&quot;  The addition of &quot;guys&quot; is actually redundant, and only serves to emphasize the idea that you are thinking about those specific individuals while you are writing/speaking.  There are cases which are more difficult, especially involving pronouns, but in many cases you simply don't need a word at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can simply only operate in circles that use Chinese.  Chinese is an example of a language that does not have strongly gendered words.  Most of their pronouns are already gender neutral, so the majority of these sticky situations go away!  I'm sure this is highly impractical, but I wanted to point it out as a modern example of a language that does not need grammatical gender.  The rules follow the language, and Chinese simply didn't need that rule!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T15:30:27.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2884" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:36:49.720" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honor the contract your mother made with him. If she &lt;em&gt;had&lt;/em&gt; paid it back (it was not paid back in full at your uncle's request), this would not be an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking you to take on a burden he made a decision to take does not obligate you to take it on as well. His claims are murky at best and suspicious at worst. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...all of the repayments he has made towards the mortgage he took out and 3% interest on the repayments he has made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's basically asking you to pay for his bad business decisions (if he could not afford to lend your mother money without endangering himself, he shouldn't have done so.) Repaying his mortgage payments &lt;strong&gt;in addition to the loan&lt;/strong&gt; is basically giving him a big chunk of money for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're afraid there's a real chance he can make life miserable for you, offer him a token, say, increase the interest on your mother's loan to the percent he is paying on his own mortgage loan(s). So if he's paying 5%, give him the amount she owed plus 5% interest (compound or whatever the contract stipulates.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have real feelings/care about this uncle, you can be more generous and, say, double &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; interest on &lt;em&gt;your mother's loan&lt;/em&gt;. Or, conversely, you can offer him a loan at your mother's rate of interest to cover the (murky) difference between his loan repayments (only up to your mother's death), but know that you will not get this money back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're afraid of what other relatives say, it depends on how important their opinion of you is. Money makes for tricky situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edited to reflect comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T15:59:16.533" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T15:59:16.533" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1671" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:37:42.330" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Dilute the term's perceived offensiveness by making it part of an accurate description:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You know, Tom is the about 6'1&quot; dark-brown guy, short hair, round glasses, favors black suits, handles customer X in the other team, etc&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: only mention positives, if he has a gut, is anoying, or stuff like that, sweep it under the rug.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if you have two persons in your team who fit the description down to skin tone, clothes and everything and one looks Indian and the other looks more African, then you're gonna have to use the appropriate term, stop beating around the bush... Unless the Indian is called Rajesh Koothrapali, in which case mentioning the name should suffice. But if the name is John Smith, some information would be missing...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't ever use the word &quot;People of color&quot;, you will sound like a clown, unless you are a statistician and want to define a demographic in a study or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T15:37:42.330" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2853" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:42:48.827" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it depends on the user and whether they agree with what you were telling them. We actually &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/q/299029/284336&quot;&gt;allow this on Stack Exchange&lt;/a&gt; as part of the limited messaging system.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moderators send private &quot;Mod Messages&quot; to users - only users with diamonds can do so - and the user can reply in a similar private (to all site mods and CMs) message &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt;, on occasion, they will decide to &quot;air their grievances&quot; in a public meta discussion, often quoting the Mod Message... which is fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the things that we always encourage from moderators is to be thoughtful in how they word messages for this very reason. If the person who feels like they're being asked to change their behavior doesn't like the way they were asked, they may make it public. As such, it's in your own best interest to put your best foot forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my advice to you is the same. If you feel the need to correct the behavior of someone in your email group - especially if you're not a &quot;leader&quot; or &quot;moderator&quot; of some sort or if the user is longer-standing than you - be absolutely certain that you address them politely and explain why they should toe the line and follow your request. If the email group has rules about what they're doing, cite them and link to any helpful guides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make personal remarks, don't say anything you'd be concerned about being revealed. You can always say &quot;I'd prefer this stay between us&quot; but you can't expect that - and depending on their personality, it may make them even more likely to reveal the contents of the email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in that sense, I agree with the quote in your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you don't want everyone to see it, you probably shouldn't be sending it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, you have no way to prevent them from sharing the email you sent. It's in your own best interest to restrict what you say, particularly when you're trying to change someone else's behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are the advantages and disadvantages of public replies to private messages in terms of building a friendly society? Is this a common practice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main advantage &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; disadvantage is that you get feedback from the entire group. This depends on the way both sides of the message are conveyed and the people who read the &quot;outed&quot; message. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you follow my advice and make reasonable requests that are generally supported by the other people on the email group, you're &lt;em&gt;likely&lt;/em&gt; to get a response supporting your request. If the opposite is the case, then you're probably going to get some negative response to your email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, if their email is reasonable as is yours, you may start an honest debate which will lead to an interesting discussion of the situation and possibly some &quot;decisions&quot; about the appropriate way to act in a situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If their email is a rant, complaining about your overreach and slandering you when you've made a reasonable request, you're likely to be supported and their behavior condemned. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A secondary consideration is that this often depends on the relative experience level or participation level of the person on each side. If you're brand new and they're established, a rant on their side is more likely to be accepted, while if the situations were reversed or if you have the same standing, it may not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also have to be concerned with a partial conveyance of the message you sent. It's not uncommon for someone trying to make their own point to pick and choose what they share, so it may require you to respond publicly to explain more completely... but don't be reactive or defensive. Respond after thinking about what they've said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what happens on Stack Exchange all the time. Rants get voted down and (occasionally) answered reasonably, though occasionally they're deleted entirely. Reasonable requests for discussion lead to discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T15:42:48.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2874" CreationDate="2017-08-29T15:45:56.280" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, enough about me. Tell me about your (recent and interesting subject). How's that going? :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a canned response you can use if they're following up on their questions a bit too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say it casually, with a smile and all. Change subject subtly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or straight up say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I don't want to talk about it. So what's going on for you? (Or) What's your opinion on (something recent and interesting)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, that should put a pause in the conversation, and an opportunity to either end it or move on to something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turn the tables subtly, and make it about them.. Let them start talking instead. They will like talking about themselves a bit for a change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T15:45:56.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2894" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2868" CreationDate="2017-08-29T16:04:08.277" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you're asking about how this affects the relationship between you and the parents, let's start with the obvious: you can either &lt;em&gt;do it&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;not do it&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're definitely safe if you do it. If they didn't want it to happen they would stop the other parents. So if you see someone doing it, you're probably in the clear to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't do it, what could happen? Well, there's a good chance that nothing happens. I have seen a lot of people be a little awkward around babies, and that's fine. You will probably want to draw out your words a little bit when talking to the baby. &amp;quot;Hheeyyy buuddddy! Ah, that... that is not yours!&amp;quot; Is perfectly acceptable. You don't have to be like &amp;quot;Oh! My! Goodness! The wittle baby is twying to take my cell phone.... oh no mister, oh no you don't! No, no no!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you talked to the baby like you would talk to an adult, well that's a little more dangerous. The adults may feel that you're being exceptionally cold - simply put babies change everything in your life, and you have to do things very different when you have a baby. If you &lt;em&gt;talk&lt;/em&gt; like there's only adults around, parental instinct may tell them that you're going to &lt;em&gt;act&lt;/em&gt; like there's only adults around. Slowing your talking when talking with the baby will show them you're aware of their baby and are willing to adapt your behavior when around the baby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;tl;dr&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Full out &lt;strong&gt;baby talk is probably fine&lt;/strong&gt; if you're mimicking what others already do. Slowing your words but &lt;strong&gt;not squealing your voice is probably fine&lt;/strong&gt; as well. &lt;strong&gt;Talking full blown adult&lt;/strong&gt; to a baby is likely to at least attract attention and &lt;strong&gt;could possibly be a negative&lt;/strong&gt; on the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1633" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T16:04:08.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2868" CreationDate="2017-08-29T16:17:01.807" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I may be misreading the question but I don't think this is about baby talk (where &quot;fake&quot; versions of words are used) but more about the pitch, in that people tend to talk to babies in a softer higher pitched voice, even if not using baby talk &quot;words&quot; specifically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in light of that, I believe you do not need to raise your pitch or change your voice in any way, unless that is what comes naturally to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With my own child we do not use any baby talk, but have found that we do tend to talk in a softer, higher pitch than with each other or other adults. We use regular words, although sometimes our sentence structure is simplified and we substitute more basic words where a more complex one might be used with adults. This happened naturally and was not part of any conscious decision on our part, we just want to treat our child in a gentle and loving way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to other people, we have several acquaintances and family members who speak to our child (now 2.5 years old) in a fully regular adult voice, with full adult sentences, and who have always spoken to him this way.  We find it charming and think those interactions are very healthy for him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One example of this is our immediate neighbour, a friendly retiree, who is one of our son's favourite people. She has always spoken to him through the fence and carried on a conversation as she would with anyone else, even when he was far too young to talk. Now that he can talk and tell us what is on his mind, we know that he loves this neighbour and he is always very excited when he sees or can visit with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4557" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T08:22:42.660" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:22:42.660" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2750" CreationDate="2017-08-29T16:33:18.927" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The issue isn't that she has these views, nor whether these views are right or wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is that she stops the conversation and won't allow it to move on until everyone agrees to discuss her view, and possibly block the conversation until people agree with her. Further, she's attacking members of the group, singling them out for perceived offenses of her new moral code.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you need to identify the tactics that she's using that are caustic to the conversation, call those tactics out as she uses them, and make sure she understands that those tactics have no place in your group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The primary things she's doing is calling out what she feels is bad behavior in other group members. When she does that, pause, don't respond directly, and then continue the conversation if no one else wants to pick up on her thread.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she repeats herself, or attempts to force a discussion, say, &lt;em&gt;&quot;You pointed that out already. I don't have anything to add on that topic.  Does anyone else want to contribute?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; if someone does, then the conversation moves in that direction.  If not, consider saying, &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm sorry but it appears no on else really wants to discuss that right now. Maybe some other time.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; then move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she starts insulting others just call it for what it is, &lt;em&gt;&quot;That's pretty insulting, and I disagree with your assessment of his/her character. If you have something personal to say to them, perhaps you could have a discussion with them in private rather than making such accusations in front of everyone.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some instances it may be worthwhile to simply delay discussion, or take the discussion away from the group. &lt;em&gt;&quot;That a very unique perspective, but I don't feel confident enough to weigh in on it.  Can you email/text me links to books or resources about it?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; Then move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you restrict the ability for her to redirect discussion towards her own personal hobbies you may be able to continue to include her in group activities without suffering the consequences of including her. You are essentially removing her fangs - all her tactics and methods used to snag the conversation and direct it herself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T16:33:18.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2897" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-29T16:36:33.750" Score="33" ViewCount="8336" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an ethnic and religious member of a certain ethno-religious group. (You can probably guess which one, but I thought the question might be broad enough to apply to other ethnic/religious groups too). It's also not just specific to either religion or ethnicity - since someone I might ask could be a member of just one part, both, or neither.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are not very many other members of this group where I live, and I'm often happy to meet others so we can talk about relevant stuff that most of my other friends don't really 'get'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a student I would often just ask someone, if I had an inkling based on their name or something they'd said, &quot;Are you []ish?&quot;. Of the maybe ten times I asked this, the answer was always 'no', and it became a bit awkward and I would blurt out &quot;Oh sorry, I am, I just ask everyone that&quot; (partly so they wouldn't think I was asking for anti-[]ic reasons). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've recently started working at a medium-sized company, and I've just realised there's a guy here with a quintessentially []-ish name. I'd love to find out if he's a part of the group, for work and other purposes (e.g. asking how HR/our bosses responded if he asked for time off on religious holidays, potentially going to services together, seeing if he can link me up with some other local []s, exchange holiday greetings, potentially chat in a relevant language, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't want to make things weird and awkward with a colleague. What's a good way to approach this? Or should I just mind my own beeswax? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This is in the UK)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2163" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T18:01:15.270" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:01:07.290" Title="How to tactfully ask if someone is from the same ethno-religious group as I am?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2886" CreationDate="2017-08-29T16:38:38.073" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it were &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt;, I would stay busy.  As a woman, where I live, this isn't an uncommon sort of thing to happen.  If the person persists then being busy, I feel more comfortable to simply say I am not intending to be rude &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; I use this time to (and insert whatever here).  For me I used such time to go over my planner, sort of either plan out my day, double check I have no appointments coming up I have forgotten, etc.  If you read, you can blame it on reading, or even say you use it to decompress because once you are home your are busy with family life.  I've used that one often too as it makes it clear you have a family you prioritize and are not interested at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T16:38:38.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2785" CreationDate="2017-08-29T16:41:16.440" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll try tackling this based on my own experiences in my own workplace. I have had a pretty strict christian upbringing (read: completely homo-phobic). I have been attended to this fact by co-workers before, that initially my reactions upon learning that a co-worker is LGTB are not really appropriate. I am trying to improve this, but my initial reaction is still somewhat cold and distant, clearly showing some disagreement and trying to move to a different topic as soon as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, this is highly dependent on your workplace. If your co-workers are discussing their weekends at the coffee machine on Monday morning, or Friday afternoons while having a drink, you are certainly right in wanting to disclose this information to avoid awkward situations. If private matters are never discussed in your workplace, I would keep my own matters private as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can not, and will not ever be able to control peoples reactions. I can say that if you disclosed information as described in your question to me, my first reaction might be experienced by you as hurtful. You can also never avoid discomfort, and should be prepared to encounter a period of uncomfortable encounters after disclosing your information to co-workers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise you to use some peer pressure. So don't pick the most friendly people first, as suggested by @apaul34208, but all of your co-workers at once (or make sure there are accepting/friendly persons present when you disclose to people that you think might not be as accepting). The good people will probably act as an example, and might even be helpful in backing you up if reactions from the bad people run completely out of hand. For me, the presence of others gives me the opportunity to remind myself that what I was taught for about 20 years of my life is not the right way to react, and to prepare a more proper reaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be offended when people let you know that they do not agree with your lifestyle. Let them know that they have a right to disagree, but explain to them that you wanted this info in the open before some stumbled upon it, since you know this in controversial info, you have had people stumble upon it before and thus land you in situations where you could not remedy their discomfort. Tell them (because some might not realize it themselves) that you are absolutely not different from the person they knew before the information was disclosed to them, and that for your part, this also counts for your work-relationship with your coworkers. The drag queen thing is something you do in the weekends, just as advocating LGBT rights is something you do in your spare time, and keep separated from work in all cases, except for this case of disclosing that you do those things, to avoid even more uncomfortable situations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please be prepared to 'agree to disagree' if you disclose this information, and leave it at that. If your co-workers are not treating you differently after disclosing the information, but are not enthusiastic about it either, do not start conversations about it. It should not be necessary, but do not try to force conversations about it with people that have not shown to be interested. In short: don't talk about it unless spoken to. Just keep the contact with these co-workers purely business (Could you pass me the stapler?), and hope they will thaw out when they realise that you are prepared to not force discussions about it with them. For some people it can take a few months to process the information and realise that it really is not going to kill them working with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your coworkers keep sending hurtful reactions your way after the first discussion, say to them that their reactions are hurtful. You are not trying to 'convert' them to be drag queens, so they should not be trying to 'convert' you. But you get to be what you are, just as they are what they are, especially since you are only a drag queen in your spare time. If they keep insisting on having hurtful discussions with you, go to HR/whatever party is responsible for workplace diversity and complain. Make sure to let the co-worker(s) in question know that their behaviour in the workplace is unacceptable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If relations between you and your co-workers show no sign of slowly returning to 'normal' (as they were before disclosing the information), then I think you should not want to be working with these people (easy for me to say, I know). But in the end, you and your co-workers should all be grown-ups and perfectly capable of at least maintaining a business relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a drag queen? Is it just a weird hobby? Why do you do it? What do you like about it? Does that mean your gay? Can I come and see a show? Will that be safe for me? Pretty uncomfortable situation if someone blurts out this questions to you... But, these are some of the questions I could blurt out when you told me this. Yes, I had to actually google what a drag queen is (saw some awesome make-up and dresses btw). Answering questions, how stupid they might seem, with a lot of patience, can greatly help furthering understanding and thus removing discomfort. And be prepared to be tackled on your way to the coffee machine three months later with another list of even stupider questions because I have been thinking and ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR&lt;/strong&gt;: You can not control initial reactions, but by choosing your moment and preparing a little 'defensive' speech (sadly necessary), and providing your co-workers with options like 'I will never mention it again', you can hopefully achieve a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T18:53:17.753" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T18:53:17.753" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2900" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2884" CreationDate="2017-08-29T16:46:46.520" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Quite frankly, your uncle's actions don't speak to good faith on his part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm understanding correctly, your mother offered to pay the loan &lt;strong&gt;in full&lt;/strong&gt;, and your uncle refused. Yet now that your mother is gone, he suddenly is claiming that he has additional out-of-pocket expenses because he over-extended himself on the loan he made to your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first question that springs to mind is: did he discuss this mortgage, and his payments on it, with your mother?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he did, ask him what she said.  If he didn't... then you need to ask yourself why he would keep that a secret from your mother, but suddenly become very open about it, and ask for extra compensation for it, with you and your brothers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd be very hesitant to give him anything beyond what the contract states.  It really sounds like he has decided that he deserves more than was left to him, and sees you and your brothers taking over her estate as an opportunity to get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T16:46:46.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2817" CreationDate="2017-08-29T17:00:33.233" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I worked in casting for commercials and film. We &amp;quot;interviewed&amp;quot; lots of people - a casting session is, essentially, an interview... We'd see 30-40 people per role and (as you say in your question) the problem isn't always with the candidate. We'd regularly get requests for feedback from casting agents so, from the hiring side, I recommend the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you're interested in both knowing how the interview went and whether they get the job, so the easiest way to prevent this from being awkward is to let them know in advance that you want to chat about how the interview went and explain why rehashing the interview soon afterwards is important, particularly if they don't get the job, you can strategize for how to improve in future interviews.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Make a &amp;quot;process&amp;quot;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let them know up front during your preparation session that you'd like to follow up with them about their interview - heck, make it part of the &amp;quot;process&amp;quot;. This way they know to expect to hear from you and you can ask when the interview is so that you know when to talk with them. Explain that by talking shortly after the interview, they are more able to accurately reflect on the experience and you want to be there to support them if they have questions regarding &amp;quot;I did ____ during the interview - was that wrong?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they outright say that they're not interested in a follow-up, respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Follow up yourself.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On your end, track when the interview is and communicate with them later that day or the following day. If they seem to be avoiding you, don't force communication from them. It's important for you to reach out since you're the one who wants the information. Don't expect them to call you because they may forget, so you'll not be able to help them out further or find out how things went. The longer you wait to contact them, the more likely they will have heard back from the company, so you want to do it within a day or so so that it's &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; they have an offer letter in hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you chat with them about the interview, ask how they think it went and if they know when they'll hear back about an offer. Let them know that you'd love to hear if they got the job either way so that you can meet up to celebrate - but at this point, as a third party, I don't think you can really expect someone who isn't a friend to keep you updated. If you see them again in the future, you can always ask if they got the job at that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T17:00:33.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2884" CreationDate="2017-08-29T17:13:57.557" Score="33" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Money burns bridges&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask your uncle &lt;strong&gt;the amount he wants.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You stated this on your question, so you should've known by now..&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Pay back your uncle whatever &lt;strong&gt;the amount your mother owed him&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;according to the contract.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After that&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;,&lt;/strong&gt; calculate &lt;strong&gt;the difference&lt;/strong&gt; between the amount he wants and the amount already repaid.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talk with your brothers how much amount (all of) you &lt;strong&gt;can and willing&lt;/strong&gt; to spare for your uncle.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain to your uncle that the contract has been honored, and &lt;strong&gt;this is an appreciation&lt;/strong&gt; for what he has done.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt; mention any of his mortgage. If he brings it up, thank him for going so far to help your mother, and &lt;strong&gt;politely&lt;/strong&gt; remind him that his mortgage is not in contract and is &lt;strong&gt;his responsibility.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;Avoid further arguments.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Give&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; the money to him.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;sub&gt;You must finish the contract first before going to the next step. This is to ensure that your responsibility is done, and your uncle can't bring it up in argument.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;One scenario is your uncle might refuse the payment. Simply transfer the amount to his bank account, and it is a proof that you have paid him. Whatever he will do to that money afterward does not disprove that you have made a payment, including transferring back the money.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Not &lt;em&gt;pay&lt;/em&gt;. You don't owe him anything after you honor your contract.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are &lt;strong&gt;not responsible&lt;/strong&gt; to your uncle bad choices. This is basically a step-by-step to solve this and avoid complication on your morality. &lt;strong&gt;Stop feeling guilty.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this drama, you can offer help to your uncle to get through his debt. Personally, I prefer &lt;strong&gt;gifts&lt;/strong&gt; (as money), as you will be prepared not to see your money back, but you can also offer &lt;strong&gt;loan&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;with contract.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that &quot;money burns bridges&quot;. Everything will &lt;strong&gt;never be the same.&lt;/strong&gt; Whatever your other relatives might think of you, &lt;em&gt;don't feel guilty.&lt;/em&gt; You've completed the contract, and you already offering help to your uncle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T15:04:57.080" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:04:57.080" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-29T17:22:01.967" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;The general answer is &quot;don't try.&quot;  As someone who passionately advocates science, I of course break this rule all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing I have found to remember when trying to argue a pro-science position is that &lt;em&gt;they've heard it all before.&lt;/em&gt;  Science is currently accepted by a substantial majority of people, and many will violently defend their understanding of it.  As such, you can be quite confident that this is not the first time they have heard the arguments.  They have already had time to evolve responses.  The ad homeniem attack of &quot;They're just in it for the money&quot; is an excellent example of the kinds of responses they have learned to use to shut down scientific arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second most important thing I have found is to make sure you have enough time and energy for the discussion you are about to engage in.  Don't start a discussion that cannot amicably resolve in less than an hour unless you're confident that both of you have an hour to spend on the topic.  Nothing is less effective for defending science than suddenly realizing half-way through an argument that you can't make a convincing point unless you teach them differential equations first and their math background stopped around Algebra I.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With both of those in mind, the approach I find most helpful is not to argue that science has a better approach than they do.  That combative approach naturally walks into the &quot;they've heard it all before&quot; argument, because we've all learned the rote arguments which try to explain why science is good.  Instead, I find it most effective to learn more about their beliefs.  If they say &quot;dogs aren't like people,&quot; start the discussion by probing into why they feel that statement is applicable to the current topic of getting medical tests done.  It should be easy to identify ways that dogs indeed are like people.  They have bones, and blood, and a brain.  There are clearly parallels.  It should also be easy to identify ways that they are different.  Dogs have a tail, while our spine ends in a coccyx.  Dogs have different cones on their retina than we do, so they see different colors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once these obvious parallels and obvious differences are agreed upon, then start exploring biology with them.  Try to find regions where it's not so clear to them whether dogs and people are different.  Seed proper skeptical doubt in their worldview.  It's healthy!  Once you're there, the interesting part begins.  There's one of two processes that follow:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you find something about dogs and people that is interesting to them, but which they have trouble pinning down as a parallel or a difference, suggest that science has an answer that is convenient for science, and work with them to come to a rationale for why they should agree with this particular answer.  Maybe it's a question of whether the dog's nails are alive or dead.  Maybe its a question of why a cattle dog acts the way it does.  The question will be unique to this discussion (avoiding the &quot;they've heard it all before&quot; issue), and it's interesting to them.  If you can convince them that science has a good idea, that's a rock from which you can later build arguments for the validity of accepted scientific positions, and you've built faith that science isn't such a bad idea.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The other possibility is that they find something interesting that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; can't find a scientific argument for, one way or the other.  This is far more exciting, because now you have to explore something as well!  In these situations, I like to thank the individual for challenging my worldview and go play with those ideas.  In general, I find people who reach this situation appreciate that I don't push them to accept some poorly thought out argument phrased in scientific jargon.  They seem to like when I admit &quot;this is not in the realm which science has an answer for.&quot;  It builds credibility so that next time I claim there's a scientific answer to be had, they actually believe me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In all, the general pattern I recommend is:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to find an obvious case where they are right, and an obvious case where they are wrong.  Typically the case where they are right is provided by them, and the case where they are wrong is something which they felt was so obviously wrong that they didn't need to be specific in their wording &lt;em&gt;(Of course all cats are alive, except for the ones that were dead.  Yes, there are dead ones too.  I just didn't think we needed to be that pedantic when talking about cats!)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to find a case which is in the grey region between them, encouraging them to be skeptical of the idea that there's a clear line between right and wrong here.  &lt;em&gt;(How do we draw the line between what makes a cat alive and what makes the cat dead?)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Help them find something in the grey region which interests them, then either:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show them science's model of that thing, and help them develop their own argument that suggests that science has the right answer (at least in this one isolated case)  &lt;em&gt;(Old medicine argued one died when one's heart stopped.  Modern medicine has shown that brain activity continues after this point, letting us save more people)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If science doesn't have a good model of the thing, openly admit it, and then go explore the topic yourself.  You may learn something! &lt;em&gt;(Are there situations where it is possible that we simply don't know if the cat is alive, and thus ressecutatable, or simply dead, no matter how much science we apply?)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T17:22:01.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2907" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-29T17:34:05.590" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2020-03-18T20:29:57.340" LastActivityDate="2020-03-18T20:29:57.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2908" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-29T17:34:05.590" Score="0" Body="Use this tag when issues specific to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or other sexual/gender minorities impact the interpersonal interaction in the question. Don't use it when a member of the LGBT+ community is involved, but them being LGBT+ isn't relevant to the question." OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2020-03-18T20:29:57.340" LastActivityDate="2020-03-18T20:29:57.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2897" CreationDate="2017-08-29T17:38:32.340" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this situation, I don't think you should bring it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, religion/ethnicity are sensitive topics.  Religion is sensitive because everyone has their own opinion, and some people feel extremely strongly about theirs.  Ethnicity is sensitive because there may be biases or fear of discrimination; often people avoid discussing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These topics, along with politics, don't really have a good spot in the workplace.  You are at work to perform a job, all the socializing and such is just secondary.  Asking someone about their personal religious beliefs, or even their ethnic background, risks bringing personal beliefs and bias into the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is best avoided, as any difference in opinion is a potential conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although you have suspicions that this person is of the same ethno-religion as you; you don't really have proof.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking them about it based on their name may be considered offensive, especially if this person has the desire to distance themselves from that group, or they get asked that too often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1734" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T17:59:48.727" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T17:59:48.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2750" CreationDate="2017-08-29T17:41:51.380" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a feminist myself, I'm glad you saw that the problem isn't her feminism, but having become an extremist. I was once in her position, not as a feminist, and not as extreme as her, but what made me realise I went too far is loosing friends and time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can tell you that trying to debate with her most probably won't work, because of the &lt;a href=&quot;http://theoatmeal.com/comics/believe&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;backfire effect&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you want to give it a try anyways, what might help is to respect her as a person, but not tolerate her extremism. Maybe you can try to find out where she has her information? If she doesn't read &lt;em&gt;Everyday Feminism&lt;/em&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(1)&lt;/sup&gt;, maybe it will help her to search for some articles and give her the information. On the issue about your black friend, I had to think about &lt;a href=&quot;http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/05/teaching-native-students/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt; article. I know it's about natives americans, but I think you can use a part of it on black people, or any other group of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don’t Ask&lt;/strong&gt; Native Students &lt;strong&gt;to Speak for Their Race&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Teachers often ask Native students about anything that comes up about&#xA;  Native Americans. &lt;strong&gt;Tell your child’s teachers that every tribe is&#xA;  different as are opinions among Indigenous Peoples, and your child&#xA;  cannot speak for everyone.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be said on every group of humans. I know there was an article saying more or less the same about black people, but I don't find it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since &lt;em&gt;Everyday Feminism&lt;/em&gt; is also about feminism, there is a possibility she will be more open toward the information here, at least compared with &quot;non-feminists&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(1) What I like about this side is that it talks about feminist issues, without forgetting that f.ex. men can also be victims on sexualised violence, etc. It also reminds that all members in a group are unique, which your friend seems to have forgotten.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T17:41:51.380" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2897" CreationDate="2017-08-29T17:44:21.063" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Would they be less interesting if they did not share your religious background? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you want to attempt to build a friendship with this colleague because you have hope of some shared experience.  In that case, I would suggest inviting them to lunch.  This should give you a chance to chat and start that friendship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not ask &quot;Are you Jewish?&quot; or &quot;Are you Mormon?&quot; or &quot;Are you Amish?&quot; or &quot;Are you Muslim?&quot;, etc. Instead, I would ask &quot;What was your family's religion?&quot;  Then, the important part is to listen.  They are sharing their personal history with you, and that is a gift.  Whatever their background, I am sure you will find common threads of experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are sincere in your desire to be a friend, then it won't matter what the answer is.  It will be interesting because they are your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4552" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T17:44:21.063" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2897" CreationDate="2017-08-29T18:01:40.663" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there are few members of your minority where you live, and &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want to connect with others, then isn't it likely that others would want to connect with you too?  Asking people if they are risks crossing boundaries especially at work, and might cause you to miss people who don't &quot;look the part&quot;.  Instead of looking, try being findable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps there is something subtle but distinctive in the way of jewelry, clothing style, or the like that other members would notice but is not invasive.  I was once at a week-long immersive training session where, a couple days in, one of my fellow students asked one of the instructors if he was a Freemason.  &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; didn't recognize the ring, but the student did -- and they seemed to enjoy chatting with each other for a while after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also mention things as part of other interactions, particularly casual discussions at lunch.  Don't force things, but if people are talking about school when they were kids, for instance, you can refer to one of the nuns or one of your rabbis instead of just talking about teachers.  Or maybe you once took a trip to a culturally-significant place, and mentioning it might tip the other person off.  Over time you'll be taking some days off for holidays, so you can mention that in passing too -- instead of &quot;I'll be out on Thursday&quot; you can say &quot;...for Eid&quot; or &quot;...for the holiday&quot;.  Some people, both []ish and not, might ask you about that, but you can usually tell which of them are outsiders versus insiders in my experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is to make information about yourself available so the &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; person won't feel funny asking &quot;so, are you []ish?&quot;.  You're inviting the contact, while the person who merely has a typical name but hasn't shown any other signs has not invited anything and maybe he'd rather keep that private.  (Particularly if []ish people are sometimes targets of negative attention.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, don't rush it.  You're the newcomer; they're still getting to know you.  Don't be that person who always talks about his []ishness, which some people might see as pushy or self-centered or socially tone-deaf.  As you and your coworkers get to know each other, tidbits of information will come out.  Let things come out in their natural times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T18:01:40.663" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2897" CreationDate="2017-08-29T18:04:59.243" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;An idea that has worked for me is to mention about my own background or faith first, and if they wish to join in, that's a good way to get to know theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Straight up asking theirs would not go over well. There will always be that fear of being treated differently based on their background or faith.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way is to spend more time with them, and learn from their way of life. You'll need more patience in this case. If they celebrate particular religious events, that would be a good indicator to you that sometime you could bring up a discussion about that event and let them tell you about it, and eventually they'll let you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had acquaintances in college, whose such background I was curious to know, and was afraid to ask them. Over time, meeting them often, would give me a clearer picture of their beliefs and other history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd still advise that you avoid asking your coworkers this; as far as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T18:10:34.097" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T18:10:34.097" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2914" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-29T18:48:03.890" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The above advice is good - you can't change such peoples minds quickly, or easily, if at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I gather the question is more about better approaches, since you wish to try (good!) And would like to do so to better effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On that score, I'm similar. The key, I think, is how good you are at finding the logical flaw &quot;thinking on your feet&quot;. For example many people might think of a reply to &quot;People aren't dogs!&quot;, but comparatively few can think of one that is both hard to rebut and also comes to mind in a couple of seconds &quot;in the moment&quot;, as a strong reply. That's the real difficulty in an answer. There are good approaches but having them on hand isn't easy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mental rehearsal is good. Knowing from past experience, the common arguments in your field, makes it more likely you'll have them to hand when you want them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some good &quot;generic&quot; approaches might help as well (&lt;em&gt;note that labels for these are my own for this question&lt;/em&gt;):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be on the lookout for social and scientific generalisations, they are easy to respond to.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Social generalisations are about categories of people (&quot;All doctors? Every last one? That sounds like bias rather than reality, I don't actually think that's even remotely true&quot;) (&quot;I think you'll find there are good and bad in every field. I seriously doubt that medical researchers are evil trolls who laugh when their useless medicines harm you.&quot;) (&quot;Does that mean you think &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; don't care? If that's the case tell me now.&quot;).&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Scientific generalisations are about facts that one can research (&quot;Vaccines harm everyone? Do you plan to tell the people who fought for Ebola vaccines or no longer suffer smallpox, or recovered from rabies, that you're sorry their vaccines were fakes, and please reject them and die?&quot;) &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Look for clear contradictions.  I recently had to point out to someone arguing their trade had a moral right to act an obnoxious way, that in fact he earned a LOT more then most people. This wasn't enough - he tried to argue this was &quot;just recent&quot;, which I knew it wasn't, or it was somehow true relatively because his work was harder than many people. But spotting the self contradiction was key. Another example is a response something like &quot;Police are all corrupt&quot;, and delicately enquiring if they found their child missing, who would they ask help from. Again some statements have very sharp self-contradictions. You usually have to argue a bit more because they won't let go easily or at all, and only grudgingly move on.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Appeal to expertise. (&quot;No, people aren't dogs. But they share all but one part in a few million of DNA, body chemistry, brain wiring, anatomy, and most other things, and I think I would trust the word of researchers who study humans and animals for decades, when they say that for their research, dogs are so close to humans that what is true for one, gives a very good idea of what's true for another, much more than somebody who's never done a days research in their life into it.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Appeal to commonality, which is similar. (Roughly like this: &quot;Do you really think when a dog bleeds and a human bleeds, the bleeding mechanism and clotting mechanisms are very different? What about inflammation, do you somehow think dogs and humans differ much there? Did you even realise that many human mental health meds - antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds - work &lt;em&gt;identically&lt;/em&gt; in dogs and humans, and that's despite the brain being the most complex and in some ways the most different organ we have? So yeah, when very human doctor says an Xray is best for this condition, damn right I'm going to take it seriously as a starting point at least, for what might help my dog, whether its based on human studies, dog studies, or some other kind of study that's taken seriously in the medical world.&quot;)&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;(And in reply to the predictable followup &quot;But dog and human blood cells differ!&quot;, something like this: &quot;Yes they do. And thanks to scientists we know what differs, what's the same, and when we can usefully apply results from one of them to the other&quot;.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Point out the obvious. This is a kind of self-contradiction. (Have they ever had antibiotics? Antiseptics? Any injury treated at a hospital? Did they refuse antibiotics and antiseptic treatments because &quot;all doctors are corrupt and just want profit&quot;? Would they tell someone with a heart attack to never call an ambulance because doctors of course can't be trusted? What about if they felt sick for a week, or a baby in their family was coughing non stop? Whatever they say, it's the same - Typical, the moment you need something, guess who you actually rely on. Did you ever check which antibiotics were tested on non humans, or which treatments included which tests, to refuse them because they 'clearly' don't really work? No you didn't.  Did you ever look up phase III research to check your facts, like medical researchers do? No you didn't.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't win, but you can hold your own with this ki d of thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T19:04:00.920" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T19:04:00.920" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2884" CreationDate="2017-08-29T19:00:33.383" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is really a messy money dealing.  I can't imagine why anyone would be willing to take out a loan in order to &lt;em&gt;loan&lt;/em&gt; money to another.  That is a significant risk.  That said, what he is asking for is an alteration of the original agreement.  It would help to understand what the payment terms were per the original agreement, as the contract &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; already be nullified &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; your mom failed to meet the terms.  If that were the case, that originally she agreed to something that didn't take place (like starting repayment within a year of the loan date) then &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would feel more ethically inclined to consider some alteration to what he is owed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say that for this reason.  If say it was $10,000.00 to have payment to start in one year (to give her grace time to catch up), then he &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; have thought he would be able to pay down the loan much faster.  He could put his own money toward repayment as well as anything she was sending as payment.  &lt;em&gt;If&lt;/em&gt; that was what was supposed to happen, it would put him paying additional interest that would have otherwise been much reduced by a faster payoff.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; have to account for what you can afford to do.  I don't understand if this home is needed for someone (or all of you) to &lt;em&gt;live&lt;/em&gt; in, if you intend to sell it as an asset, etc.  It also should be taken into significant account that there would be no house to share or sell had it not been for his stepping in to save her from losing it.  That is a huge thing for anyone to do for another and not at all to be seen as merely a money issue.  He clearly &lt;em&gt;didn't&lt;/em&gt; just have the money to give if he then borrowed money to cover that.  He placed himself in financial risk to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would say do whatever you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; to work this out amicably with him.  He &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; to be a relatively decent person to have done this for your mother.  If that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; the case, he is also someone you would &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to have good relations with in your life as he has shown himself to be willing to step up for family.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also difficult to know how reasonable any of his requests are when there are no dollar amounts given, no timeline by which it's stated for you to do the repayment nor an indication if the house is to be sold (thus having the equity to settle this debt).  And he very well &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; have changed some of what he wanted as his financial standing has changed.  That may seem not &quot;fair&quot; but you also have to weigh that against his helping your mother out in such a desperate time when &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; financial standing also had taken a bad turn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T19:00:33.383" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2916" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-29T19:08:46.497" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Guys is probably &lt;strong&gt;somewhat okay but better avoided&lt;/strong&gt;, as it will be felt to be gender-assumptive (hence exclusionary as well) by at least some people, quite reasonably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guys and gals &lt;strong&gt;definitely is not okay&lt;/strong&gt; (both binary and highlights gender which isn't actually relevant).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternative wordings for the greeting &quot;Hi ______ !&quot; :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Folks. Everyone. Friends. Gang. Team. Fellow&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  addicts/lunatics/gamers/trainspotters/whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-29T21:55:19.643" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T21:55:19.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-29T19:30:15.607" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally what you are asking is how to open someone's thinking to be more receptive to what you have to say and this is a common issue on many topics.  You are at a particularly disadvantageous position in this context though as you happen to represent for many whom you wish to sway the very thing they are arguing against.  It might be very akin to a debate between someone very staunchly Democrat debating a Republican about social policy reform. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; effective strategies &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; know in such cases is firstly, assume the person you are talking to has this view for very good reason.  You have to actually &lt;em&gt;believe&lt;/em&gt; this.  If you do not, they will feel the lack of intellectual respect given and it causes a reactionary defensiveness of their position.  If it helps, imagine that the person you are speaking to has experienced something significant in their own life that has caused a serious mistrust and &lt;em&gt;care&lt;/em&gt; about what that is.  If you can figure out what that things is (and believe me, there is nearly &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; something to this) then you can allow them space to talk about &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;.  You can even ask empathetic questions (not ones meant to make a point, but ones meant to help &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; understand details of what went on) and &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; you might have an &lt;em&gt;in&lt;/em&gt;.  Now you have established you are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; like all others.  You listen.  You actually are trying to sort what &quot;went wrong&quot;.  I know that doesn't inherently help with the immediate topic, but it's not that long of a process if you get used to this approach as people generally &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; really looking for someone from the &quot;the system&quot; who wants to hear where they have been harmed.  I can tell you as someone who sought an answer to a medical issue for far to long, I know what it's like  feel ignored, dismissed, blown off, talked down to, etc, and then you seek out &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; alternative and what you get is responsive, caring, engaged people who absolutely &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to listen and help.  I am not saying they have the answers.  I am saying they have a way of reacting that feels a lot more connective.  So if you want to win someone over, connect.  It is one of the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; things I have seen work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can manage to connect first, all conversation that follows about whatever specific topic, will be much more likely to be heard.  Avoid anything that could come off as condescension or dismissive, even if what they say seems preposterous based on &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; knowledge.  You have to treat it similarly to how you treat being a parent talking to teenagers about life.  If you are too staunch and too much placing yourself as the &quot;expert&quot;, you will send up walls where they see your information as something they cannot trust just like the rest of it.  So just like a teen will discount what you say because clearly you grew up in the stone age and don't understand what they re even talking about, so people with mistrust of science/medicine will tell you that &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; education was hand selected for you. So they will accept that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; believe it to be true, but also see you as potentially another &quot;brain washed&quot; victim of the medical establishment who was educated on &quot;what they want you to believe&quot;.  I hope that makes sense.  I am finding it hard to articulate my reason for saying, connect.  You can't win anyone over unless they have any reason to trust you and the best way to earn trust is to seem reasonable and you will seem far more reasonable after they feel heard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T19:30:15.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1148" CreationDate="2017-08-29T20:00:19.707" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's counterintuitive, and takes some skill to pull off, but you can always try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh man, and you didn't invite me?  I &lt;em&gt;love&lt;/em&gt; that place!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(said with jokey enthusiasm, fake pout etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're happy for you to come along, then it gives them the opportunity to invite you - act surprised, ask them if they're sure and then accept.  Otherwise, you've conveyed that you're only joking and don't really care, and they should feel free to offer whatever excuse they have for why they didn't invite you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to practise this one in front of a mirror.  If there's any hint of resentment in your voice then it'll backfire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4571" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T20:00:19.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2874" CreationDate="2017-08-29T20:22:21.737" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a good friend who is permanently single.  He prefers that.  I love what he answers with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have been single a longgggg time now and it's &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; working out. &#xA;  I am pretty sure &lt;em&gt;I'm&lt;/em&gt; the one.  It's great.  I'm loving it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And he says it with confidence and it really does seem to get people to have a good laugh and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T20:22:21.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-29T20:22:44.740" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you must answer yourself, do you want to be a &lt;strong&gt;preacher&lt;/strong&gt;, persuading people out of sin, or have &lt;strong&gt;nice conversation&lt;/strong&gt; with them. Teaching ex-cathedra won't help you to achieve the second. Adult people don't like to be preached by someone whose authority as a preacher they haven't accepted on their own. They have doubts, they want to discuss, they except someone else will be willing to discuss. Preacher is not willing to discuss anything, therefore is not a good partner for discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, do you have &lt;strong&gt;doubt&lt;/strong&gt; about the truth you believe? Science is about having doubt. All that scientific method can give us is to tell, which statement is more likely to be truth. No more, no less. Even the &lt;strong&gt;paradigma&lt;/strong&gt; itself should be questioned. Without doubt, there's no progress, only stagnation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, please accept, people &lt;strong&gt;really have reason&lt;/strong&gt; to distrust science. Especially in health-related area scientists have messed up. Some because of naivety, some (probably) for financial reasons. When I was young and naively believed in anything that claimed to be scientific, there was a massive hate speech against animal fat. The butter was told to be almost poison, the margarine was told to be a magical cure. Now slowly people write, that the butter, eggs etc. are not so bad, actually quite healthy, and the real poison is the margarine (trans-fats). I was personally a victim of antibiotics-madness. As a child having applied this 'magical cure' a dozen times a year, which caused mayhem to my immunological system. From my personal experience, the best way to remain healthy is to avoid doctors if only possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way is to &lt;strong&gt;concentrate on positives&lt;/strong&gt;. For example, if someone questions some therapy, say it was successful in so many cases that you believe it's a right thing to apply, because this is your personal experience. People may question theories behind that, but if you say, you're going to continue what is working for you, no person with sincere motivations can question that thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1707" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T20:22:44.740" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2868" CreationDate="2017-08-29T20:32:16.667" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you are asking about you relating to parents, I will focus on that.  If you speak kindly and actually speak &lt;em&gt;to&lt;/em&gt; my child, you are good.  The &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; major mistake you can make in relation to the parents is to act put out by the baby or like their life now is not as good after baby, or ignore baby exists.  Parents are often overly excited about our new offspring and as such we often really love if other people care to interact with our offspring, even though they drool, might vomit on you, and might seem like tiny aliens if you aren't used to them.  &lt;em&gt;We&lt;/em&gt; want to think you will like our children since you like us, therefore you will like all things we make. ;)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that all sounds silly, but I swear it's true, at least of all the moms I know.  If you like my kids, I automatically like you &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt;.  I'd love to say I am not that simple, because I didn't &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; it would feel that way to me, but it does.  Likewise, if I liked you before &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; you seem impositioned that I have children, or don't respond nicely to them, I am very likely going to like you less after, even if I am not actually &lt;em&gt;upset&lt;/em&gt; with you.  I think &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; of it is that your kids are around, a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt;, so I see no point pursuing any additional contact with people that see that as less than desirable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So talk high, or low, baby talk, or normal speech.  None of that will matter nearly as much as your general attitude around the baby. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T08:23:47.860" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:23:47.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-29T20:36:54.190" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some good practical answers here but I want to add something more theoretical to provide a way to view these kinds of situations. &lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer&lt;/strong&gt;: I am a researcher in a science field.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The construction of one's beliefs relies on a number of presuppositions (&quot;axioms&quot;). These statements are not provable in a strict sense, they are just assumed to be true &lt;em&gt;a priori&lt;/em&gt;. These foundational beliefs are rooted in the individual's life experiences, cultural traditions, a certainty in their utility (&quot;its worked for me before&quot;), habit, or as a means of gaurunteeing personal certainty in an uncertain world. In reality, we cannot have certainty that these beliefs are &quot;true&quot; absolutely, but we can have degrees of confidence depending on how well-defined the question is. The fact of the matter is that if you disagree with someone on these foundational beliefs, you will always end up talking past each other - if one person doesn't trust vets, for example, the rest of the conversation is mostly doomed from a scientific standpoint! &lt;strong&gt;This means that any effective strategy must involve questioning the presuppositions that are brought to the discussion.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, for testable hypotheses, the scientific method is the best approach we have to creating models that reflect reality. It is the best way to building these foundational beliefs. Try to imagine just how different the world looks for someone who has never studied science before. Without a benchmark to measure uncertainty or the accuracy of predictions, people stick to what they know best or what has given them the best results even if these principles only work well locally or in limited situations. &lt;strong&gt;This means that you need to ultimately convince the other person that your particular set of presuppositions is more effective at modeling reality.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a productive conversation with someone with views so divergent from yours requires following this kind of conversation flow, which respects some of the ideas presented above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Inquire into why they hold a belief&lt;/strong&gt;. Try to get them to question &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they hold a particular foundational belief instead of asserting your belief in the matter. Ask about the context of when they formed this belief - was it something from their childhood? Was it because of a pivotal life event? This tactic is not meant to tell them they are wrong but to gently point out weaknesses in their position. Ideally, this should be done with just questions since they can, if phrased correctly, not come across as judgemental. Your questions should come from a place of curiosity and not because you want to undermine their stable worldview. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Validate their viewpoint&lt;/strong&gt;. In emotional situations, people often want to be validated and heard. If they feel heard they may be less defensive. Commiserate and say you understand how their experiences could have led to what they believe now. Remember that science, whether theoretical or applied, is not monolithic. Science has been misapplied, people have used it and made big mistakes, and it has been inaccurately portrayed by reporters and others. There are bad doctors, bad scientists, and bad people in this world. All this factors into how people may view where you come from. Even if the other person is likely wrong, you will get nowhere with them unless you at least acknowledge their viewpoint. If you are unwilling to do this, then I would say it is best not to have a conversation at all. Now that you have listened to them, they may be more willing to listen to you (even if they don't agree).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Share your viewpoint&lt;/strong&gt;. Explain your point of view and how your experiences with science (or other philosophical system) have given you certainty. Try to avoid saying that it is a better approach but perhaps mention examples of how it has provided a better answer to an alternative viewpoint. This may seem like you considered two options and picked the one with better explanatory power rather than vilifying someone/group of people for holding a view. If someone has been attacked this way before, they may assume this is your strategy even if you did not intend it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Continue to probe and provide more examples&lt;/strong&gt;. Pick up the conversation again. Probe deeper with questions, provide more examples and slowly build your case over multiple conversations. Never try to tell them your viewpoint is better but just nudge them a little bit each time. With many people they will slowly start seeing things the way you do (even if they disagree) and, if you are lucky, may give a bit more ground each time you talk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had tremendous success with this strategy in many areas (politics, religion, etc). However, you will have varying degrees of success with this strategy depending on the personality of the person. A &quot;conspiracy theorist&quot; type personality may attempt to undermine every statement you say (&quot;but how do you &lt;em&gt;know for sure&lt;/em&gt; the doctors aren't being paid to say that?&quot; &quot;what if those scientists are wrong?&quot;) which will make progress difficult. But for many people, you will find that they hold their beliefs because of an unverified fear, because abandoning it would mean abandoning their community, or because it is destabilizing the only mechanism they know that provides stability and certainty in an uncertain and dynamically changing world. Using the strategies above can help cut through this roadblock in some situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4570" LastEditorUserId="4570" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T17:53:29.127" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T17:53:29.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-29T20:40:30.530" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;One method I've found to be effective is to not convince them with your words, but with theirs. That is, the idea is to get them to come to your conclusions with their own reasoning. That way, they feel intellectual ownership of the idea, so in accepting it they are not just listening to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, this is difficult, but in this particular case I believe there is a simple way to achieve it. Start by acknowledging the validity of their idea that what applies to dogs does not necessarily apply to humans. Then you need to extend that idea far enough that they start to disagree with it. One possible logical extreme would be to say that what applies to one human does not necessarily apply to another human. Now, this statement is true but applying it too forcefully (in a manner of speaking) leads to clearly ridiculous conclusions. One might come to the conclusion that there is no reasonable way to test the effectiveness of medicine, since what works for one person might not work for another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure I would take the discussion to such extremes, but you could mention recent scientific issues like the idea that having too few female subjects in a clinical trial (or sometimes none!) might limit how much the results apply to women's health and not just men's. If you are lucky, they might start trying to arguing against you. If you are very lucky, they might even develop a coherent argument for why the results should generalize. The last step of the journey is then to get them to apply that reasoning to the original disagreement - ask why (or whether!) their argument does not apply to the 'dogs versus humans' case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, I should acknowledge that this is somewhat hypothetical. I've have not applied this idea in such a systematic way, so I can't say if it really works. In fact, in the worst case, it might even come off as manipulative. However, I believe the core idea is solid: if someone comes to a conclusion of their own volition, they are much more likely to believe it than otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4573" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T20:40:30.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2033" CreationDate="2017-08-29T22:45:53.437" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Am I in the right or in the wrong? Did I overreact? Does a partner have the 'right' to do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of this depends on how mature your relationship is and your mutual values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds to me like she is feeling insecure. That may or may not be because you've given her reason to doubt you, but while your boundaries are important, how you approach this should be based on her rationale. It could be emotional baggage from prior relationships, or maybe she had dysfunctional role models. On the other hand, maybe you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; given her reason to question your faithfulness, even without knowing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming this woman is important to you and you want the relationship to last, if her insecurities have nothing to do with you, you may need to allow her unprecedented access, until she realizes how stable and faithful you really are. A lot of people have never experienced that and it can be hard to believe. The flip side, which you may or may not come to realize, is that having one person in your life to whom you provide complete access can be very special, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, it's not exactly a matter of whether she has the &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; to &quot;monitor&quot; you. It's about whether you're ready to be in a relationship where you have absolutely no secrets. I trust my woman to respect the confidentiality of my friends, so her seeing a private conversation with a friend about the problems he's going through will never be a problem, and I don't have those kinds of conversations with other women – or if I do, my baby knows the whole story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not going to get into the scenario about how you keep her out of your business if you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have secrets you don't want her to see on your phone. I'll just give you the benefit of the doubt that that's not the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T22:45:53.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2886" CreationDate="2017-08-29T23:15:44.513" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand that you would like to avoid any confrontation with her, but I believe the best way through this is not to ignore her but to address the issue briefly and directly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Ma'am? Really, how can I help you? Do you have some need? I ask because I do not understand why you approach me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have told you that I'm married, but the further truth is that I do not feel comfortable having friendly talk with you, a woman, without my wife present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for understanding.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility is to let the woman see you with your wife. Is it possible that she could travel with you for a couple of days?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3062" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-29T23:15:44.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2868" CreationDate="2017-08-30T00:01:35.017" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do whatever you feel comfortable with; parents will generally be more impressed if you involve their child in a conversation in some direct way, rather than just talking to the parents about the child as though the child isn't in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking in a more animated, excited and varied way than the relative monotone that adults use to converse seems to be a better way to engage a very young child's interest and make them feel happy/feel like responding to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Varying the way you sound out your words can also be used as a differentiator as to whom you're talking, if you're of a mind to engage with a baby by looking at it and making faces (babies generally find faces fascinating) but want to carry on a conversation with an adult or mix communicating with adult and baby;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(monotone, looking at the child) Hey, so this is your new arrival huh?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (animated, still looking at the child) Hiya. Hiya. Now then. What you doing? Are you smiling?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (monotone) I bet your washing machine hasn't stopped, ours didn't for about 3 years...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (animated, still looking at the child) Who's a little dribbler? Hey? Your cheeks love that chocolate, don't they? Yes, they do...  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's quite a common pattern, that seems to make the child engaged in about the half of what you're saying that sounds interesting to them, while the adult can focus on the normal sounding mature content without having to process too many of the actual words coming out of your mouth before deciding who the intended audience is.. Parents are generally pretty tired, and personally I'd welcome the mental assist especially as children and babies tend to take the focus of the room attention and parents devote a lot of brain power to operating in &quot;watch and protect&quot; mode. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I said earlier, do whatever you're comfortable with (and that's important) but if you're trying to convey a particular impression to the parents, factor in what you know about how they talk to the child; As a parent, I'll generally assume that someone is comfortable around children/has children of their own if they talk to them in baby voice rather than trying to talk adult with them, and if your intention was to put me more at ease that you can handle being around my kids, varying the way you speak to them is a good start. Equally, you might have friends who think you're an idiot for talking to their kids like a pre school cartoon would, and think it's silly. Doing so might thus have the opposite effect on them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3726" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T08:27:57.640" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:27:57.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2929" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-30T00:02:47.393" Score="30" ViewCount="14728" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm attempting to meet somebody on a few dating websites. The sites that I'm using all rely on internal messaging systems and user-created profiles to stimulate conversation, so the only thing I know about other people is their pre-written descriptions. Favorite books, movies, basic physical attributes, and freeformed About Me sections. As a man seeking a woman, statistically I'm the one that has to make the first move and introduce myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problem is, I have no idea what a good introduction is. I've tried some variants of &quot;Oh, cool, you're a fan of X? So am I! What's your favorite episode of X?&quot; with common hobbies and I've asked for details on hobbies or jobs, but so far these messages have been opened but have not received replies. According to all of the internal algorithms I'm contacting people that should be good matches, so I don't think it's a lack of commonality. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm just bad at striking up a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a good way to start a conversation on a dating website?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="307" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T02:19:46.937" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T05:05:54.297" Title="How do I phrase an introduction on a dating website?" Tags="&lt;romance&gt;&lt;online-relationships&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-30T00:39:14.383" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The core of the problem is that most lay people, including those who do usually accept scientific results and are not advocates of anti-scientific conspiracy theories, have very little knowledge about the rigorous procedures used in science that leads to reliable results. Many people wrongly believe that it all comes down to the expertise of scientists when it's the peer review process and the verification that takes places when other scientists attempt to replicate the results and the subsequent reporting of such results in secondary review articles, that makes the system work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While some lay people may know about peer review, they'll still tend to think that expert opinion is acceptable to some degree in scientific papers, they'll typically have no idea that literally any non-trivial statement has to be backed up with evidence or a citation has to be given. The whole point of this is then that tracing back some statement in a paper should never get you stuck at some paper where you just have to accept the author's expertise. When something really is based on opinion, it will always be described as such, never as a fact. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One can contrast this with the knowledge lay people have about the justice system. Why does John Doe accept that a convicted person is indeed guilty as charged? A lot comes down to the independent review of all the facts of the case, lay people know about this and they also appreciate that this review is extremely important, an appeal to authority by invoking the expertise of the police, detectives etc. would not work. While important, appeal to expertise alone is not good enough for an outcome to get universal acceptance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason for this difference is caused by the way the media reports about science, one reports about some scientific finding, an expert is interviewed, so one can read about the actual facts, but the procedures like peer review are hidden from view. In contrast, a news report on a criminal case cannot escape reporting about the legal procedures. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One can see this stark difference in attitude in controversial legal cases where many people believe that an innocent person has been jailed. In such cases, the argument usually will be about whether or not the person in question should get a retrial. So, we're then not talking about just accepting the arguments of the person at face value, rather one is arguing for getting these arguments properly processed by the legal system.  Contrast this with how climate skeptics make their point. They'll argue against the primary scientific arguments, they'll often cite blogs where counterarguments are made, but they never argue about, say, &quot;wrongly rejected articles&quot;. To get their way, scientists would just have to accept the counterarguments of the skeptics at face value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, it's of course impossible to explain how science works when you're already in a casual discussion with someone who doesn't accept some scientific fact. But it's still worthwhile to do this when the opportunity arises. E.g., when eating out with friends when the topic is how boring today's workday was, it's not a problem to mention that you need to revise a paper, that you find that boring work but that scientific rigor requires backing up everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they get it in their heads today that scientists reading your paper expect to see verifiable evidence on literally anything, you may prevent one of them getting swayed by anti-scientific ideas tomorrow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3248" LastEditorUserId="3248" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T01:21:59.233" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T01:21:59.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2932" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2929" CreationDate="2017-08-30T00:55:49.503" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;An entire book could be written on this subject, so I don't know how on target it is for his site (possibly &quot;too broad&quot;) and there are thousands of variables/no &quot;one size fits all&quot; approach but:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider that women will receive somewhere between ten to a hundred times more messages on dating sites for every one message that a man gets as a conversation start. There's an incredible amount of noise in the typical female inbox, and scores of messages from absolute idiots who spam the same thing out to hundreds of girls in one sitting. It is incredibly tedious for most girls just going through their inboxes and deleting all the chaff.. Any message you write will have to stand out from the others and give the recipient an indication that you're going to be fun to converse with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reading their profile is good, establishing some common interest is useful also, but maybe don't immediately jump to asking a question because it's hard to ask a good open question worthy of a debate grade answer that is worded in a way that paints a picture of you as being worthy of receiving that answer. Confused? I'll try and simplify it.. A good question needs to generate an answer longer than the question, that introduces new info that can branch a conversation out. The question also has to be worded in such a way that it's different, and hence indicates you're different, or the way you think is different, and piques their interest. This is really hard to do with the small number of words your question needs to be in order to get to the point. &quot;I see you like green day too. What's your favourite song of theirs?&quot; - meh, it's too closed, too easy to answer, too limited in its scope for introducing new info, too likely to generate disagreement with the answer and a little too predictable - might even get asked 10, 20 times a day if green day is about the only well known or stand out thing about her profile..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always found better responses if I could put together a short message that told a bit of a funny story, or jokingly started some point of debate, 5 to 8 lines, maybe a question at the end (but if the message was contentious enough that she felt she had to respond to put me right, or sound off in agreement it doesn't always need a question). Something that is indicative of your sense of humour is vital. Getting the length right is important. Too short or scant on personally relatable information, and you're in the bin as a copy paste chancer. Too long and you're in the bin as a too intense psycho who's picked the names of your+her unborn children already. Pick on a subject that few people will have asked about or noticed, something between the lines in the profile or in the background of a posted photo. If there isn't anything, and her profile is dull as dishwater or worse &quot;I can't be bothered to write a profile, any questions just ask me&quot; - don't bother; this girl is not putting the effort in regardless of how pretty her cover pic is. When writing messages, if you're not in a good, happy, confident, &quot;a girlfriend is the last thing I need&quot; mood, consider doing something else instead.. like going for a run. It's so easy for your mood to enter these &quot;short but sufficiently revealing&quot; mails, and if you're desperate and lonely it will be incredibly hard to hide it and it's a massive turn off. Finally, never, ever copy a message to a previous girl and paste it back in with a couple of words changed to &quot;personalise&quot; it for &quot;another her&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put a reasonable amount of detail in your own profile; it's highly likely she will read it before deciding to respond. Put YOU in your profile. Write how you speak; several people over the time read my profiles and were pleasantly surprised at the way it was writtten and how it turned out to be a reflection of the way I thought and spoke in terms of style, word choice and tone. Some of my profiles were written as if it was a conversation I was having with the dating site, or the girl reading the profile. None of it was &quot;oh. Umm. I have no idea what to put here. Just hit me up if you have any questions&quot; - if I didn't like the question the site asked, I found an excuse to change it to one I wanted to answer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of a session, look to have sent about ten mails to new people and then forget you ever messaged any of them (well, apart from maintaining enough of a memory that you don't message them again). Forget how much more perfect than all the others she was, forget the vows you'd write for her.. Until a mail from her lands in your inbox, she's not on the radar. This will help prevent you getting into a warped sense of perspective about this person whom you actually know very little about. If the response doesn't land, then take some comfort in the fact that women are much much better at assessing compatibility than men.. if you're not getting a response, your approach is causing her to filter you out. If your approach is absolutely and naturally a great representation of the person you are, she's filtering you as no-match. If this keeps happening, you may be selecting the wrong candidates to assess you. You can tweak your approach a little, but keep it true to you to avoid problems later on. Some of the sites popular these days have their own forums and you can ask for profile reviews. It my also help to engage a friend who knows you well, to see if their perspective on your profile and the sorts of messages you're sending is an accurate depiction of you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Final tidbit, if you persevere and enjoy only limited success, do a bit more research; create a female profile, using some photos of a friend (with their permission, of course) who is of similar physical appearance to the sorts of girls you're approaching, write a generic profile for the details (it doesn't matter, men don't read much) that is a similar kind of girl as what you seek and then just wait and see that absolute torrent of shite that lands in her inbox. This is what you have to beat in order to stand out. It will probably surprise you just how much crap the poor girls out there have to wade brought and probably explain why most of them get tired of it pretty quickly and log off forever, or become incredibly discerning (and by that I mean, she takes a week long holiday to Spain, comes back to 500 &quot;hey u hot&quot; messages, with your diamond effort in the middle, and just hits Ctrl-A followed by Del.. luck of the draw, and a reason why I said to put no one on the radar/&quot;favourite profiles to stalk list&quot;, until they write back..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3726" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T00:55:49.503" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2933" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2868" CreationDate="2017-08-30T01:03:50.560" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is absolutely OK to talk normally when &quot;meeting babies&quot;.&#xA;I greet babies I meet with &quot;what up&quot;.&#xA;We spoke normally to our own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a parent, parrot-teaching of swear words excluded, I could not care one jot how you select to conduct your exchange of sounds with the baby, that is an affair between you and whoever else can see us who may recognize you. Nor I expect you to feel obliged to strike a conversation with him/her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3866" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T01:03:50.560" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-30T01:16:47.787" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can only really break the cycle by not doing it. They will always rise, so you must be the one to avoid provoking it if you're weary of the battle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate to see the precise instrument of science being used in blunt ways by people around me, but I've come to appreciate that there is a value to them (placebo or psychosomatic) in letting them hold onto their beliefs, however inaccurate&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recent examples where I've started a debate that really degenerated:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;them: &quot;vitamin c is the only way to cure a cold&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;me: &quot;actually, your immune system is the only thing that will cure you of your cold&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;them: &quot;everyone would be far healthier eating my grandma's homemade soup than any crap you get in a can &quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;me: &quot;not true; an allergy sufferer could be distinctly less healthy eating something with an unknown list of ingredients, as would an Olympic athlete with a finely balanced dietary regime&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;them: &quot;the sugar in fruit is much better for you than sugar in a packet because packet stuff is preprocessed and full of chemicals&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;me: &quot;everything is full of chemicals. Everything IS chemicals&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I have broken this cycle?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;them: &quot;vitamin c is the only way to cure a cold&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;me: &quot;yeah&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;them: &quot;everyone would be far healthier eating my grandma's homemade soup than any crap you get in a can &quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;me: &quot;yeah&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;them: &quot;the sugar in fruit is much better for you than sugar in a packet because packet stuff is preprocessed and full of chemicals&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;me: &quot;yeah&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't feel bad; just come on stack exchange and spread the scientific wonders between your ears to people who actually want to receive it. Cecil Adams has been fighting ignorance since before I was born, and I don't think he's making much headway... Durn universe just keeps churning out better idiots! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3726" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T01:16:47.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2929" CreationDate="2017-08-30T01:31:17.700" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to &quot;declare yourself&quot; at the beginning. Give the essence of who you are in one or two short sentences, to encourage the few that you want, and discourage others. My own approach to date selection might have been summed up by &quot;the few, the proud, the Marines.&quot; OK, maybe not &quot;military&quot; women, but rather &quot;special forces.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One example of such a declaration (not even in a dating context) is, &quot;We respect a laser-like focus on one topic.&quot; That describes a no-nonsense individual, who will discourage &quot;scattered&quot; women. If that's you, you will attract dates who will get right to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A declaration that's similar in quality, if different in content, is &quot;I love children and small, cuddly animals.&quot; That will attract a different sort of date, one that's compatible with that type of individual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you post, make it short, make it memorable, and above all, make it you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T01:31:17.700" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2929" CreationDate="2017-08-30T01:32:09.293" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Remember that &quot;how to start a conversation&quot; is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; always about the message you'll sent her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a stranger send me an introduction and wish to know about me more, this is what I will do, in order:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Glance on &lt;strong&gt;the message.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;First of all, &lt;em&gt;be polite.&lt;/em&gt; Joke is great, as long as it is funny. I will not cover much about the message because other answers usually will address this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Check &lt;strong&gt;profile picture.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Anything other than their picture (or animal) will surely get my attention. On ignore button.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Check their &lt;strong&gt;About Me&lt;/strong&gt; section.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Everyone will sell their attractiveness. I'll make sure this one does not oversell themselves. Of course, empty or uninteresting section will also get a big NO.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Some people like long, descriptive About Me. People like me prefer shorter advertising. It's up to you, but try to limit a paragraph to &lt;strong&gt;3-8 lines max.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Optionally&lt;/em&gt;, when 1-3 pass and when I feel like it, I will check &lt;strong&gt;their other social media,&lt;/strong&gt; if I can find it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you can confirm it's the same person, conflicting description is a huge red flag.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, everything is up to what your goal on joining the dating site.&lt;br&gt;&#xA; &lt;strong&gt;Dating partner? Girlfriend? Marriage?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More casual profile pic and description will attract the earlier, while someone looking for serious relationship will check for signs of maturity. &lt;em&gt;It's your call.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T06:45:27.817" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T06:45:27.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2897" CreationDate="2017-08-30T01:39:54.167" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There are not very many other members of this group where I live, and I'm often happy to meet others so we can talk about relevant stuff that most of my other friends don't really 'get'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically minorities form local community groups that allow for meet-ups and social connection.  Have you tried looking for these and contacting/meeting with them ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would strike me as the most sensible approach to your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As a student I would often just ask someone, if I had an inkling based on their name or something they'd said, &quot;Are you []ish?&quot;. Of the maybe ten times I asked this, the answer was always 'no', and it became a bit awkward and I would blurt out &quot;Oh sorry, I am, I just ask everyone that&quot; (partly so they wouldn't think I was asking for anti-[]ic reasons).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that student life is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; the more formal and legalistic setting of work.  Many organizations have rules against discrimination which effectively make inquiring about these personal things potentially at odds with protocol and even contract conditions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've recently started working at a medium-sized company, and I've just realized there's a guy here with a quintessentially []-ish name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Work is, once more, an inappropriate venue for what is de-facto you pursuing your own social agenda based on ethnicity and religion.  I advise against this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if this person has a background as you describe/hope they may also be strongly opposed to being reminded of this.  They may have left this behind them and actually find it annoying to be reminded of it.  Great caution is needed with these issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd love to find out if he's a part of the group, for work and other purposes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Work is not for other purposes.  Work is for earning a living.  Focus on that in work.  Do not jeopardize that for social goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(e.g. asking how HR/our bosses responded if he asked for time off on religious holidays&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HR or your boss could tell you that more authoritatively. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;, potentially going to services together,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a social, perhaps even a &lt;em&gt;very personal&lt;/em&gt; issue which may be quite inappropriate to pursue in the context of a workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;seeing if he can link me up with some other local []s, exchange holiday greetings, potentially chat in a relevant language, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's something you can achieve by seeking a local community group (and there probably is one).  Online is another option for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But mixing work, religion and social is asking for problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But I don't want to make things weird and awkward with a colleague. What's a good way to approach this? Or should I just mind my own beeswax? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That last option sounds right on the money to me. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your ethnic and religious &quot;persona&quot; are clearly important aspects of your life to you, but you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; avoid overlapping this with work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most typical way to &quot;flag&quot; your own ethnicity and religion is to wear something discrete, like a necklace or similar small item that displays your interest.  For example, I'm from a Catholic background and typically someone might wear a small cross on a necklace or wrist chain.  A former colleague who became a preacher had a (discrete) cross on his desk, but was otherwise not in any way pushy about his beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Check what's acceptable with HR/your boss.  There are rules, often a result of legislative requirements, which you need to respect.  Work within those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give some thought to keeping work and personal apart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discretion in the workplace is generally advised in these matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Search for social groups in the community at large that will offer an outlet to your need to be around people from a similar ethnic and religious background more often than currently.  This is a perfectly reasonable need, just not one appropriate to the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T08:01:07.290" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:01:07.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2938" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2942" CreationDate="2017-08-30T02:18:27.607" Score="10" ViewCount="1161" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a non-native English user, I sometimes have difficulty determining when someone mention &quot;girl friend&quot; really means girlfriend in a romantic relationship. &lt;strong&gt;Related post in ELU&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/102865/does-girlfriend-or-boyfriend-always-indicate-partnership&quot;&gt;Does “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” always indicate partnership?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There seems to be no consensus to help differentiate the two meaning, especially in non-written interaction, except depending on the context. Of course, if the context is available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In &lt;strong&gt;written communication&lt;/strong&gt; where &lt;em&gt;no previous context&lt;/em&gt; is available how can one tell when someone really means girl friend? &lt;strong&gt;What strategy that can be applied to &lt;em&gt;subtly&lt;/em&gt; derive the information without making the situation awkward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Ideally&lt;/em&gt;, the method should also cover email and snail-mail, where the exchange of information is not instantaneous and requires time; so the &quot;clarity&quot; of the relationship will be revealed in just one reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm making up a habit to write &quot;girl friend&quot; when I do mean a &lt;em&gt;girl&lt;/em&gt; friend. I never noticed anyone else using this style &lt;em&gt;constantly&lt;/em&gt;, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T10:29:39.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T10:29:54.500" Title="How to tell when a girl friend is not a girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;written-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2939" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2929" CreationDate="2017-08-30T02:39:57.027" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm Catija. I'm female and I met my (male) spouse on one of these dating sites. We met about 11 years ago and this is what made me respond to his message... and what made me &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; respond to others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, when I joined said dating site, it was because I wanted to take the quizzes. Yeah, I know that everyone claims that, but it's actually true. My profile is pretty brutal. The &amp;quot;you should message me if&amp;quot; part of my profile reads:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You enjoy failure... You did read the bit at the beginning about not talking to strangers, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also wrote all sorts of off-putting rules:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/isl9S.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/isl9S.png&quot; alt=&quot;Profile page excerpt. Text reads: I hate being objectified. Calling me &amp;quot;babe&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;sexy&amp;quot; when you've never met me will lose you too many points, which you'll never get back, not that you'd get the chance. Do not order me around. I don't know you. If I chose to ignore you, suck it up and move on.If you REALLY want me to talk to you, say something interesting. If you just say &amp;quot;Hi&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;How's Austin?&amp;quot; you will be ignored. I am going to clarify this because a lot of people don't seem to &amp;quot;get&amp;quot; it: If you send me an IM and all it says is something boring, like the previously mentioned statements, you will be ignored and I will NOT even open the IM window! Yeah, maybe you'd say I'm a picky girl (although you might use a different adjective/noun combination) but I just like to put things out front to weed out people before I get too many messages.Oh, one last thing, the&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet, through all that, my dearest Andy still decided to message me. And I'm glad of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a female who has used a dating site successfully, this really is what you have to put up with so, thank you, thank you, thank you for asking this question. I really hope that you can get some great recommendations from the users here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show some respect&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry, but I'm going to get this out of the way first because it's gross (to me) and I really think that some guys out there don't get it but... &lt;strong&gt;Don't proposition someone with sex&lt;/strong&gt;... of any kind unless they somehow make it obvious that they're interested in that sort of thing. If they have the &amp;quot;hookup&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;one night stand&amp;quot; or other setting turned on or they mention it in their profile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Focus on their personality.&lt;/strong&gt; Realize that not every woman wants to be greeted with &amp;quot;hello sexy&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;hello pretty&amp;quot; (yes, I've gotten both and more) or even have anyone mention their looks at all. I personally find it creepy. Do you want someone telling you that you're a big hunk of handsome as the only greeting you get? There's a difference between saying (as part of a longer message) something like &amp;quot;I see we're a really strong match and I also find you very attractive.&amp;quot; Is more welcome than &amp;quot;Hey, hottie, wanna get together?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show them that you're really interested in &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt; You're trying to find someone to date, to get to know better... Put some time into your communication with them. Find someone who's a good match for you and really read their profile. They wrote it for a reason... they want you to read it. Show them that you did by writing a nice 2-3 paragraph introduction that tells them about you (so they don't have to look at your profile) why you're contacting them (shows them that you've read theirs) and asks questions that draw them in (people like answering questions).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I still had the message Andy sent me. While I have some of the later ones, the original one somehow got deleted. It did all of the things I list here. He introduced himself generally and told me things about himself that matched up with things I mentioned on my profile, he explained why he was contacting me despite my many warnings not to do so, and he asked me questions I wanted to answer... and I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's do a little case study:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you say in your question, women get lots of messages. I haven't been active on the site until today because I'm happily married but even now I have messages waiting for me, all from May... for some reason... let's talk about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A message from someone with a username implying that they're in Austin but their location is in India asking for a one-night make-out session, possibly in public. I'm not going to post this one because... Ewww. It's not actually as graphic as some of the ones I've gotten but the location isn't uncommon... lots of people from India contacting me in America.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A message from someone in Hutto, TX (near Austin) that just says &amp;quot;Hello&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A message from a guy named John in Austin who only talks about himself - probably a form message he sends to everyone he reaches out to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi there! My name is John, pleased to e-meet ya! I have to be honest, I never really know how to fill up these types of first-contact messages. I'm not one to send a msg and be all forward and say &amp;quot;i wanna do this or that to your buttcheeks,&amp;quot; etc. Plus, it's not exactly the definition of polite. So there ya go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So a little about me, I suppose? I'm 39, pansexual and have a good sense of humor. I play music. I play a bit of bass guitar, standard guitar, and I am also a drummer. I'm no professional, but I can keep a beat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Um, I'm not sure of what else you'd like to know, but I'm sort of an open book, so feel free to ask!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope to hear back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't show that he read my profile but it's funny, open, long but not too long. I like that he makes fun of the people I talk about in the first point without being overly graphic because it shows that he understands what a lot of ladies go through. This has a better chance of getting a response (from me) than most other messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone who no longer has an account making negative commentary about my profile&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't talk to strangers? How do you expect to make any new friends with that attitude? It's, like, everyone's a stranger until you give them a chance. Hope you know where that came from and are having a good night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not much to respond to here... not sure why they even messaged me. I do get a lot of these, though... people arguing with my profile, as if I'm required to want their attention. Oh well... moving on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;5&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Another person who closed their account but felt like telling me how much they like &lt;em&gt;Cowboy Bebop&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;cowboy bebop kicks ass, the non dubbed version&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This refers to something I mention on my profile, so at least he read it. Still wouldn't get a response from me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in the end, endeavor to be like John but add a bit more that's referential to the woman you're contacting. I don't know how many women you're planning to write to but take your time. Those usernames are actually people (probably)... treat them like it. Think about what you talk about when you meet someone at a party. Go from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T02:03:32.993" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-30T03:45:14.767" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Great question, and the fact that you are asking it suggests that perhaps a small inner voice says there could be a better choice.   Online forums are quite often dominated by people who find the term &quot;guys&quot; perfectly natural and justifiable, as evidenced by many of the other answers.  As a non-member of this persuasion, I can tell you when you are the only [whatever] in the room, being addressed this way tends to highlight your difference.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just imagine the reverse situation - you are the only man in a large group of women, and the greeting is Hello gals!  Would that feel weird?  I've witnessed it happen to a few men and it's very interesting how quickly they feel out of place or uncomfortable, the more so because it's an unusual experience for them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not try to move the online civility needle just a tiny bit, by saying Hi everybody, instead?  We are all people, humans, embodied souls, and using a more inclusive term speaks volumes and the tiny bit of effort will be much appreciated.  &quot;Hi guys&quot; is just a habit, one that can easily be changed, and I think should be.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4594" LastEditorUserId="4594" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T16:06:04.830" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T16:06:04.830" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2938" CreationDate="2017-08-30T05:23:13.240" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;An easy way to handle it, would be to just assume 'girlfriend' and clarify with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm glad to hear that you're seeing someone, how long have you two been together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case they'll readily answer one way or the other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, she's just a friend.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Thanks, we've been together for X&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is of course a little blunt...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that if it is a girlfriend, and not a friend that happens to be a girl, you'll be hearing a lot about this person... New couples are like that... So gushy and happy and eager to tell everyone how great things are going, so if it is a girlfriend you're likely to be able to pick up on it through additional context before too long. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... Just waiting is probably the easiest way to tell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T05:23:13.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2938" CreationDate="2017-08-30T05:33:40.577" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a clear-cut answer to this. As you say, context &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; important. And there isn't a clear distinction between &lt;em&gt;girlfriend&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;girl friend&lt;/em&gt; either, as far as I know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I say, &lt;em&gt;My girl friend is out of town.&lt;/em&gt;, it most likely refers to my romantic partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I say, &lt;em&gt;I have some girl friends coming over.&lt;/em&gt;, it may or may not be my romantic partners. It is most certainly very complicated to have such a meeting if they were all my partners. (Ha!). So it is most likely referring to some friends of mine who are girls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To overcome this, you may consider using simply &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://ell.stackexchange.com/a/43/29183&quot;&gt;female friend&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;, or an awkward phrasing &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://ell.stackexchange.com/a/43/29183&quot;&gt;a friend who is a girl&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;. Then, there are some examples online for &lt;em&gt;girl best friends&lt;/em&gt;, and a rarer and slangy term &lt;em&gt;friend girl&lt;/em&gt; (don't use it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can, also, ask to clarify instead of making a wrong assumption when somebody mentions about their girl friend. You may ask something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John: My girl friend Betty is coming over tomorrow.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Jack: Oh, you mean you two are together?  (or) ...seeing each other?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  John: No, she's from my class. She asked me to help her study for the test. (or) Not yet ;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or furthering the conversation can give more information about the type of relationship someone has when they mention about their girl friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way is if it's in writing, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My friend Dany is coming over tomorrow. &lt;strong&gt;She's&lt;/strong&gt; French. We go to the same college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here it avoids being thought of as a romantic partner, and at the same time, it shows that the friend is a girl by using &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T10:28:48.150" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T10:28:48.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2944" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2946" CreationDate="2017-08-30T06:46:39.567" Score="14" ViewCount="1357" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've only had this happen twice, but this morning my mom will be going to the vet to have my brother's pet rabbit put to death, because it is ill. &#xA;For me, a pet is just a pet, and nothing more. It is something that can be replaced, unlike e.g. grandparents. Therefore, I am usually at a loss what to say to people who have lost their pet (are going to lose it, like my brother) and are really sad about it. I can understand that some people form emotional attachments to their pets, but since I have never experienced such a thing, I am usually at a loss for words when people tell me they are down because they lost their pet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things like 'my condolences' seem too much. But just saying 'Oh, I'm sorry you that it makes you feel this bad' sounds like too little to me. Are there any nice responses to the announcement that people have lost a pet or are going to lose one? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; Since some people are interested in an age aspect, let's just forget about the old, lonely people for a while. I am looking for something I can use for little brothers and friends, so anywhere between 14-35 years old. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T16:10:33.850" LastActivityDate="2019-08-28T07:18:18.223" Title="Appropriate reactions to people who recently lost their pet?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2944" CreationDate="2017-08-30T07:08:30.963" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of things you can say like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your pet was lucky to have you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is how you can remind them that how great they were at taking care of their pet. This might help them get over the grief. (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.care2.com/greenliving/what-to-say-not-say-to-someone-who-lost-a-pet.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Source&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also try saying that their pet had a great life because of them. For this, you can remind them some great events they had with their pet. Though it's not compulsory, you can try it. There is only one setback of this. Some people might, but not every time, mourn over this too much after you remind these events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once my neighbor lost his pet and I tried reminding how much fun he had and how great he was at taking care of their pet. This helped and he said thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone lost their pet due to some illness, they might be feeling the guilt of not taking the pet to a vet on time. In this case, you can say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You did everything you could do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can check &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.everplans.com/articles/what-to-say-to-someone-grieving-the-loss-of-a-pet-and-things-you-should-never-say&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thespruce.com/sympathy-etiquette-for-the-loss-of-a-pet-1216544&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt; for some great tips as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T08:33:53.240" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T08:33:53.240" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-30T09:24:32.650" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is only a partial answer, as it doesn't apply in all situations. But sometimes, difficulty arises because the person you are debating with feels that their whole world view is threatened. This can be the case if their beliefs come from religion, spiritualism, etc. You may hear something along the lines of &quot;I just think there has to be something more to life&quot; or &quot;I don't think science has all the answers&quot;. At this point, reassurance is needed: you are not trying to argue with these beliefs. I find it very helpful in these conversations to take the angle that science is not &quot;right or wrong&quot;, it is merely about making predictions, and these predictions may be &quot;useful or not useful&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone does not &quot;believe&quot; in evolution, for example, and we can't convince them otherwise, the next best thing is to give examples where, if we &lt;em&gt;assume&lt;/em&gt; evolution happens by natural selection, then it leads to useful predictions. E.g. making predictions about a newly discovered species, or predicting how antibiotic resistance will develop and spread in bacteria. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By framing the discussion in this way, although the essential content is the same, you are not making it a matter of &quot;I'm right and you're wrong&quot;. You are simply defending the &quot;usefulness&quot; of science.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3561" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T09:24:32.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2949" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2966" CreationDate="2017-08-30T09:35:17.850" Score="19" ViewCount="4107" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 30, male, been with an &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inflammatory_bowel_disease&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;IBD&lt;/a&gt; somewhere in between &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ulcerative_colitis&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;UC&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crohn%27s_disease&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Chrons&lt;/a&gt; since I was a teenager, during the past 10 years I've had several big operations and many small ones. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had an &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.sciencephoto.com/image/647889/530wm/C0238605-Young_woman_wearing_ileostomy_bag-SPL.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;ileostomy&quot;&gt;ileostomy&lt;/a&gt; (I'm male, picture for demonstration) in the past, between the first and second operation, which should've closed it and remained normal however it didn't take, so the third one was to recreate it. Perhaps some day I will re-attempt to reconnect the pathing, but for now, the quality of life with it is a lot better and I'm content with leaving it the way it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had serious relationships in the past, and it was never a big issue. It does cause some inconvenience when intimate, mostly that I have to be careful with it, but nothing too serious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently I started a new relationship, which appeared to be going really well, we went out twice but have been in contact every day for about 2 weeks. Yesterday we had scheduled a date which's purpose was clear that we'd get intimate. Before we met I chose to go for a walk and tell her about my condition. At first, she didn't quite understand what it meant but I explained until she did. We then went back to my place, had dinner and after moving to the bedroom I showed her what it looked like from the outside (the bandage). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We watched some tv and fooled around a bit, after which she left, at leaving she told me she can't stop thinking about it. Specifically about how it's something that I can't control (that it's actively working all the time). &#xA;This was last night and I haven't spoken to her since (usually we would text during the day). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've decided I would just give her time to think about it and process, I imagine she'll figure out that it's not that big of a deal and still choose to go ahead and attempt a relationship (this is the first and only un-matchability so far). &#xA;But I'm still not sure how I feel about the fact that she's bothered by it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any tips on how to proceed? How to decide for me, if her being bothered by this shows a negative side of her character?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also - none of you proposed anything regarding my current plan of action of not doing anything. What do you think? Reach out? Continue waiting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4608" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:56:54.447" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T20:59:13.850" Title="Disclosing medical condition on relationship start" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;illness&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2944" CreationDate="2017-08-30T09:36:26.467" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depending on how they tell you the news or how they feeling look like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh no... (&lt;em&gt;concerned expression&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Followed by an inquiry about how it died.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How that happened?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And commiseration or/and consolation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm so sorry to hear that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least he won't suffer now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your pet was lucky to have you (from AJ's answer)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And checking on the person (&lt;strong&gt;can be a priority&lt;/strong&gt; if they seem to be very sad about this)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you alright?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Can I help you with anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is to &lt;strong&gt;acknowledge the bond between them,&lt;/strong&gt; commiserate with the person, and make sure that the person can &lt;strong&gt;move forward.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T14:46:31.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2951" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2984" CreationDate="2017-08-30T09:48:24.197" Score="99" ViewCount="17260" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a severely visually impaired person, I use a white cane in the public and unfamiliar shops for identification purposes and as a mobility aid. I regularly encounter sellers at bakeries or fast food restaurants who would like to give me my entire, usually smaller purchase, for free. I always refuse the offer because I am able to pay, but I feel like I'm making them very insecure and scared about our conversation. A typical of these conversations is like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: Good day, is it my turn to order?&lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Seller&lt;/strong&gt;: Yes, it is!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;I tell them what I want&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Seller&lt;/strong&gt;: Alright! Have a nice day!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;Seller hands me a bag with the items&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: How much is it?&lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Seller&lt;/strong&gt;: Oh, it's on us!&lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: Are you sure?&lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Seller&lt;/strong&gt;:&#xA;  Absolutely!&lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: Why? I'd like to pay!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;Awkward situation and silence&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really refuse my payment after this, I look out for a donation box (kinda like a tip jar, but the content goes to a local charity) and put some money in there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine has suggested to actively remind the sellers of the situation of many homeless people, who often won't even consider approaching a shop like theirs, and that they should rather make a donation to their local food bank or the people who really need it. He also suggested that I say &quot;I'm able to pay despite my visual impairment, others aren't.&quot; to them as well. However, I think that sounds kind of arrogant and pitiful at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what should I do or say to these sellers to prevent the conversation from becoming awkward in the first place? I feel really uncomfortable taking goods for free, but sometimes I have no other option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4605" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T15:34:02.083" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T15:34:02.083" Title="Refusing free goods as a blind person" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;disability&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2951" CreationDate="2017-08-30T10:12:47.833" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know you may feel a bit awkward but I think the best way to deal with it is to just be honest and concise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just offer to pay and if they insist then just maybe say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This happens to me a lot, thank you for the kind offer but I'd like to pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then if they really insist like you suggested maybe be a bit to the point (still a friendly tone of voice, no need to get angry or raise your voice/be rude) and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I may be blind but I do have the money to pay and would prefer to, if you really want to give some food away then give it to the homeless centre they need it more than I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will eventually get the message, I know it may feel awkward at first but if you don't want it then don't let yourself be treated a certain way just because of your condition. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people aren't very clued up on disabilities and think this is how you're supposed to treat anyone with one, by doing this you're just helping inform society on respect and treatment of people with disabilities so don't worry too much about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4518" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T15:53:11.400" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T15:53:11.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2953" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2651" CreationDate="2017-08-30T10:33:33.833" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;When this question was discussed in chat with the querant, a couple of days after asking, it transpired that the bearded dragon had died unexpectedly since the question was asked. I've answered the question as though the bearded dragon was still alive, although I have admittedly focused on the kittens.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with telling your housemate to take better care of his pets, is the rather strong implication that he isn't doing so now. If you want to teach him how to take care of his pets, he first has to acknowledge that. Were you not moving in a few weeks, that would be the path to follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Take all three kittens with you&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; leaving in a couple of weeks &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Alice seems to be on your side, you may be able to take all three kittens with you, to take care of them yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a general solution to teaching your housemate to take care of his pets, but it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a solution for the third kitten.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The bearded dragon was already his, there's not much you can do about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you criticise him and tell him he's not properly taking care of his pets, he may perceive that as an attack on him. He'll want to defend by proving you wrong. The only way to prove you wrong, is by keeping the kitten and having that kitten thrive by continuing his current way of taking care of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, shift the blame and the reason for taking the third kitten with you to something &lt;em&gt;outside the both of you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The three kittens are growing up together, it would be cruel for them to be separated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That leaves him with a way out. He may be aware that he's not taking care of the kitten very well, but may not want to come to terms with that. This way, he &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; be doing something that benefits the kitten, proving that he &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a good pet owner — he loves the kitten so much, he was prepared to let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, offer and be prepared to compensate him financially, showing that it's not about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; getting a third kitten in some sneaky way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even get them a new kitten, &lt;em&gt;but give it to Alice&lt;/em&gt;, if you trust her to take care of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T15:52:26.077" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T15:52:26.077" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-30T10:51:01.287" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The most important thing to survive as a &quot;NOT-ter&quot; is to not make judgment calls when asked about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What really ticks people off is personal life choices make the &quot;NOT-ter&quot; a better person. All too often you hear an explanation with a between lines message. Avoid that message. For instance the &quot;I don't eat meat, because killing animals is evil.&quot;: you just told the person you're talking with and does eat meat, that he's evil.&#xA;People don't want to be evil, so such a statement will get you resentment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: &quot;I don't eat meat because I don't want to.&quot; is much better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people I know don't have any issue with NOT-ters. There's NOT-ting wrong with making your own personal choices how to live your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2697" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T10:51:01.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2956" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2938" CreationDate="2017-08-30T10:52:26.307" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In German, the situation is even worse, because we don't use different words for &quot;friend&quot; and &quot;girl-/boyfriend&quot; at all. So we have to listen for some nuance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing that can clue you in is the linguistic context, i.e. language clues. In English, only &quot;girlfriend&quot; is commonly used to identify a non-romantic relationship, so I'll use this word in examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;one vs many&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a person talks about his or her girlfriends, they're almost certainly referring to girl friends. If they actually are discussing their multiple romantic partners, they'll probably tell you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;my vs a&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm going to the bars with a girlfriend&quot; - most likely a friend. &quot;I'm going to the bars with my girlfriend&quot; - probably a romantic partner, but could possibly be just a friend. In any case, the statement is ambiguous enough that it won't be weird to assume they're a couple. Unless of course there's another context to take into account, such as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;sexual orientation and marital status&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know the person you're talking to normally partners with men, you're pretty safe to assume they mean a female friend. If they had started dating a woman, they would probably tell you. The same goes if they're married&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know anything about the person, and the sentence doesn't have any clues in it either, you'll have to ask. The other answers give good feedback on how to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you have no context about the person at all, it might not really matter which it is. You could just wait until the nature of the relationship is revealed in further interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4613" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T11:37:28.867" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T11:37:28.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2951" CreationDate="2017-08-30T11:07:31.700" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;My first thought would be &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;is it important to refuse the gesture&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and if the answer is yes, then to answer &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;why is it important to refuse&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think the giver in such a situation thinks you &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; pay, as it would be illogical to think you came in, ordered, and had no money.  It seems in such a situation they are simply &lt;em&gt;trying&lt;/em&gt; to do something nice that for &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; reason doesn't feel good to you.  What is your reason that it feels improper to say thank you and receive the gesture/gift?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can tell you as someone who has &lt;em&gt;owned&lt;/em&gt; a small business, that the donation boxes we had were things we &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; supported, which is how they ended up on the counter.  So I would &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; recommend that in such a case the &quot;receiver&quot; ever suggest what the giver should do &lt;em&gt;instead&lt;/em&gt;.  You have no idea what they do overall (as kind people &lt;em&gt;tend&lt;/em&gt; to be kind in many other ways, including perhaps &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; giving to such things) and it will sometimes be offensive no matter &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you word that suggestion as it implies they don't give correctly, enough, properly, or any other assumption about what they do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say all this because it appears that your assumption (which might be correct) is that they are giving to you &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; of your visual impairment and you then feel like it's not just a human being nice to a human, but an &lt;em&gt;act of charity&lt;/em&gt;.  As such, &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; is where you are feeling discomfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; can think of to avoid the issue ever arising is to have your money out and ready.  Generally speaking it would be much less natural to offer this if have your money already on the counter and &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; have them tell you to keep it.  I would think if you know it will likely be 5 or less for your order and place a 10 when ordering, then they would be less inclined to not give you the total.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a final thought.  When kindness is met warmly, people are then &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; inclined to continue to be kind.  If they attempt to &lt;em&gt;be&lt;/em&gt; kind, and then are made to feel awkward or strange over it, they &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; be less inclined to do it again.  I understand that you are in no way obligated to say yes.  No one is, ever.  I just want to say that if you are concerned about something like donations, it &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; work toward your goal of giving to worthwhile charities to simply say thank you, give that money then to a charity &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; value, and therefore encourage the giver to continue to show a spirit of generosity going forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am also so curious about where you live.  I am in the USA have a good friend for over 25 years that is nearly totally blind and I have never seen this happen with him or hear him talk about anything like this.  If anything I find most people irritatingly oblivious and rude about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T08:59:49.170" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:59:49.170" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2958" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3005" CreationDate="2017-08-30T11:16:56.927" Score="9" ViewCount="2509" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Explanation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pronoun Game:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Using pronouns in dialogue to force other characters to ask for an explanation or conceal info.&quot; &lt;a href=&quot;http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/discussion.php?id=b4pcb4ytjt235ec4b03cjekt&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;source&quot;&gt;source&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The story:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every day I go to lunch with two of my colleagues (we are in our 20s). I have never worked directly with any of the two, as we work in different departments. One of them is a rather talkative person (let's call him Bob), which in general is fine with me if he would not always play the pronoun game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example from yesterdays lunch: Bob said something along the lines of &lt;em&gt;&quot;I can't believe how they could mess this up so badly&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. As I don't want to encourage this and my other colleague was busy eating, nobody asked for clarification, which leads to him repeating the sentence another two times (getting louder each time), after which he just started telling the story on his mind, without being asked to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes he approaches me (in our lunch break) and starts to tell me about what he has been doing the day (i don't care at all) and keeps talking forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already tried to keep my answers along the lines of &quot;ok&quot;, &quot;mh&quot;, &quot;yeah&quot; and so on or not answering at all to try and stop him from talking, which does not work. It seems that Bob often times does not grasp what others try to tell him subtly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing that really bothers me is that he gets really loud when someone disagrees with him (which does happen often, as he does not seem to give much thought to what he says). It's really making me uncomfortable when others turn their heads in our direction to see whos nearly screaming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I enjoy lunch with the other colleague, just not going to lunch with them would not be my favorite option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4415" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T11:43:49.533" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T04:09:13.317" Title="How to stop colleague from talking so much when subtle hints are not working?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2959" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-30T12:05:50.203" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wonder if this is acceptable in an online culture ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't directly answer the question about &quot;guys&quot;, but &lt;em&gt;if it troubles you&lt;/em&gt; as to whether or not it is acceptable you can easily work around it. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;gtg cya&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;See you all later (or &quot;I'm off now, see you (all) later&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What's everyone doing? (rather than &quot;what are you guys doing?&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4617" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T12:05:50.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2963" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2868" CreationDate="2017-08-30T12:59:14.550" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might have an &lt;a href=&quot;http://xyproblem.info/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;XY-problem&lt;/a&gt; in that what you perhaps want to achieve is feeling natural and at ease when talking to babies, not necessarily avoid using a high-pitched voice per se. But using a high-pitched voice, you feel a bit silly and self-conscious, as if putting on a show. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if the advice is &quot;just talk in a normal voice&quot;, that's valid to the extent that you are certainly &lt;em&gt;allowed&lt;/em&gt; to act natural; but in a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;strange paradoxical twist&lt;/a&gt;, you will become very aware of your behavior, probably start to &lt;strong&gt;act&lt;/strong&gt; natural in the sense of play-acting, and feel self-conscious again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, it will feel unnatural. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention you rarely talk to babies. I guess then your lack of experience is responsible for the awkwardness. I for sure felt awkward with babies before people started to have babies all around me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first advice is therefore to have more experience with babies. My second advice is to defuse the awkwardness with humour. Paradoxical situations can be coped with using paradoxical solutions: Either go overboard with baby talk (OK, don't overdo it to the extent that it may look sarcastic), or vice versa exaggerate the serious person talk (&quot;Good afternoon sir, how do you do?&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T08:24:33.680" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:24:33.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2949" CreationDate="2017-08-30T13:19:47.020" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Wow... I was pretty taken aback by your story. Recently, I had an abdominal surgery (appendix rupture) and I know, to the lesser extent, how difficult a recovery is and that consequences of complex surgeries often leave horrible scars and decrease your quality of life. Sometimes temporary, sometimes indefinitely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people will never understand the struggle; either from pure ignorance or because they never had to deal with such problems. A person you are mentioning seems to be the second case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't take it personally, but everyone has their &quot;dating preferences&quot;, maybe someone like her wishes to find a healthy individual. She might be afraid to tell you this as bluntly as I had, but her withdrawal clearly indicates just that. I am so sorry to tell you this, but not many people are compassionate, and chances of finding an understanding partner are in your case diminished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she decides not to write you back, then move on. I sincerely hope you find someone who won't mind your condition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4620" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T13:19:47.020" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2949" CreationDate="2017-08-30T13:54:02.150" Score="22" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Give her some time.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a teenager with epilepsy, which is has been in remission (at the least) for the past four years. I was first diagnosed eight years ago, at the age of ten. Things were difficult to deal with for a while, but I had the support of my friends. The worst part was knowing that symptoms could manifest themselves without much warning, and while medication strongly lessened them, and prevented full-blown tonic-clonic seizures, I knew that I needed to trust my friends and family to do the right thing on the off chance that something terrible happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first (and current) relationship started about a year after I had my last major seizure. I didn't know whether my epilepsy would continue to progress, and it still worried me. I went on a date or two with my girlfriend, and eventually told her about my condition and the history behind it. I did a couple things in particular:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I explained what the disease is and, in general, how it works.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I told her about my experiences with it, and my current status.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was up front about what could happen in the future, and what I would need help with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I told her about what things I can't do because of epilepsy and the medication I take (for instance, I can't drink and avoid strobe lights and clubs).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a very realistic possibility that the two of us could be alone and I could have a seizure of some sort. She would be the one to get help, and I would have to trust that she would do the right thing. I don't think she was overly bothered by it, but it did take a bit of time for her to understand what things I can and can't do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What she might be thinking&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can't know for sure (yet) what in particular is bothering the person you're dating. I do have some ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it's the risk of something terrible happening to you, &lt;strong&gt;reassure her that your condition is not fatal&lt;/strong&gt;. While you'll have many things to deal with in your life, this is not a disease that is going to seriously disrupt your life to the extent that something like cancer might. You've been strong so far, and you're going to get through this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it's the reluctance to shoulder the responsibility to help you if something goes wrong, &lt;strong&gt;be clearer on what (if anything) she would have to do&lt;/strong&gt;. It does seem like you've done a good job of that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it's any possible lifestyle limitations that you might have, &lt;strong&gt;maybe this isn't the relationship for you&lt;/strong&gt;. In my case, I simply wouldn't have been able to date someone who couldn't accommodate my medical needs. If my girlfriend wanted to always stay out late, or drink, or whatever, then I simply couldn't have continued. Relationships need to be healthy for all parties involved.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What to do right now&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider that what you've told her may be a bit of a surprise. I wouldn't blame her for not quickly agreeing to continue dating. Your condition, as I said, requires trust, and agreeing to that trust, is not something to be done likely. I don't think she's done anything wrong by taking some time to think it over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't say that I'm that familiar with IBD, but it's certainly not something to be taken lightly by her. My girlfriend was pretty understanding about my epilepsy, but it took some time for things to fully sink in. I wouldn't have wanted to rush her in any way, and I think that you're doing the right thing by letting her think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do need to let her know that you (hopefully) understand her reluctance. You haven't rushed her; that's great. However, given that it seems to be the next day, you should acknowledge what you told her and reassure her that you support her taking the time to think about it. You could call her or send an email (or a text, but texts are, in my humble opinion, a bit short and casual for matters like this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not having an easy time remembering exactly what I told my girlfriend when I said something similar, but it was along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that what I told you might be a bit of a surprise. I understand that you might be a bit reluctant about things. At first, epilepsy was hard for me to deal with, but over time, it's gotten better. I really don't want to rush you into making a decision yet, and I hope that you understand what the situation is like for me. Let me you if you want to talk more about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation that followed was actually pretty short, because she adjusted well to the problem, but I would &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; assume that the same will be true in your case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T14:27:57.610" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2967" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2751" CreationDate="2017-08-30T13:56:30.503" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a lifelong Vegan from a family of the same, I've had to deal with exactly this situation my entire life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most common question (even above the old &quot;how do you get protein?&quot;) is some variant on &quot;you've never tried meat?&quot; in mixed tones of shock, awe, surprise or horror.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My usual response is that you can't miss what you've never experienced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find the best solution is a patient resilience, I'm not trying to challenge other people's worldview, simply absorbing their attempts to do the same to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If pushed, I have the arguments, ethical and health based to support my decision, but ultimately I don't care to have the conversation unless it's purely an intellectual exercise. I don't fight with my friends, and I don't care about strangers opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never had to defend being a non-smoker, but I've been offered once or twice and politely refused &quot;no thanks, I don't smoke&quot;. Nothing further came of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Different tack.&#xA;I'm not a sports fan, being the pasty nerd that I am. the latest Sportsball doesn't interest me at all.&#xA;That said, I live in Manchester. home of one of englands biggest football teams. Not having a team is considered weird, and if you do, it better be one of the two Manchester teams (united or city)&#xA;If asked, I support Manchester city. because I like to live dangerously and I'm already wearing blue.&#xA;Nobody has ever asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My strongest advice is, honesty and good humour will take you past virtually every social situation with few hiccups along the way. if all else fails, just smile and nod and wait for them to go away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T13:56:30.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2897" CreationDate="2017-08-30T13:57:15.740" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are guessing it by the name, ask them about the name.&#xA;This gives them the possibility to reveal as much or as little about the connected ethnicity and faith as they feel comfortable about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do not want to share anything they can still say they don't know or are not sure what their name means or where it comes from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am unwilling to give up anything about my family, I would explain the general meaning of the name which can give some information about religious connections, but not necessarily about a specific religion. (It is something about &quot;the person ringing the bells at church&quot;)&#xA;If I feel comfortable about it, I will explain that this only represents one part of my family and also not a faith that I follow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I can easily do any intermediate version of this if asked about my name. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T13:57:15.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2884" CreationDate="2017-08-30T14:02:32.733" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;It is not your fault&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not your fault. No matter what, don't let people blame you for the deeds of your mother. If someone lent her money he should accept the responsibility for his own actions. She is not here anymore to validate any claim on her stake and you should not take the word of your uncle for sure because he has a vested interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Accept failure&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A family conflict about inheritance is an open wound. There is no way it is going to end up well for everybody. Don't even try, there is nothing you can do that will please everybody. The best thing you can do is minimize the emotional toll. You have a few options for that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Try arbitration or mediation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get someone you both trust and respect, and let him have the hard talks. Just say: &quot;uncle, I want to honor any debt but this is a hard subject for me and I'm unable to deal with it personally - just talk to X, whatever you agree is good for me&quot;. Or the non-binding version suggested by Vylix: &quot;Let's ask X or Y. They are wise. Let's hear what's their opinion on this&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one of your relatives criticize you for doing that, he is trying to manipulate you. Don't argue about it. Just say something like &quot;How am I supposed to deal with this personally right now?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Get a lawyer&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a mediator is not an option, try to get a lawyer involved. You probably can get one agreeing to receive a percentage of your stake. The rationale is the same, &quot;uncle and brothers, I'm unable to deal with this matter personally because there are a lot of emotion involved so I named X to represent my interests, deal with him&quot;. Refuse to talk about it with your relatives: &quot;I understand you are upset by me involving a third party but you are always going to be upset when you mix money and family. If you don't want to be upset just do the same and let someone else do the hard talks for you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone may say you are a jerk, but the justice system is how civilized persons deal with conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1906" LastEditorUserId="1906" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T17:01:34.053" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T17:01:34.053" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2970" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-30T14:32:00.707" Score="43" ViewCount="13467" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last week, I got a phone call from an unknown number, and the conversation went this way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her : How are you?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;: Who are you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put things in context, she turned out to be an old friend. She apparently assumed that I would have her number saved in my phone and/or would recognize her voice. Hence, she did not consider it necessary to introduce herself first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, my last contact with her was over 5 years ago. I had either deleted her number or just lost it when I changed my phone handset. I also did not recognize her voice, so blurted out that response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In hindsight, or rather, almost immediately, this didn't feel right. How to properly respond when the other person assumes you recognize them, but you don't?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="141" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-04T16:32:02.917" LastActivityDate="2019-03-04T16:32:02.917" Title="How to avoid &quot;who are you?&quot; as a response to &quot;how are you?&quot;" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;estranged-relations&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2971" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2970" CreationDate="2017-08-30T14:36:26.960" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're going to have to find out who they are regardless of how well they know you. You start with something softer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry I've recently got a new phone, who's speaking, please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This basically says what you said to us, you've had a new phone handset and don't have the number saved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or you could just say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Who's speaking, please? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the new handset change wasn't that recent. Instead of outright coming out with &quot;Who are you?&quot;, &quot;Who's speaking, please?&quot; is much softer in tone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T17:01:00.610" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T17:01:00.610" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2970" CreationDate="2017-08-30T14:42:26.220" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I get calls like this, I just lead the conversation. I respond to the question with something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm doing great. What can I do for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically, the caller will introduce or identify themselves at that stage and (hopefully) get to the point.  In nearly every case they do introduce themselves and start with their spiel at which point I usually have to interrupt with &quot;I'm sorry, but _____&quot; and then hang up. If it's a telemarketer, they won't take the hang up personally and just move on to the next call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course if it's &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a telemarketer and is someone that I have a genuine personal relationship with (which is what this question really asks) the phrasing of the question lets 99%  know that I don't recognize their voice. Yes, you may have to ultimately ask who someone is, but that's &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; rare as most people are more perceptive than that. I get tons of phone calls and don't always add people to my contacts so I do people calling as you describe more often than you'd think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4631" LastEditorUserId="4631" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T14:24:34.067" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T14:24:34.067" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2970" CreationDate="2017-08-30T14:43:28.957" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Can you even avoid it, I wonder. I would think that eventually you would most likely have to ask that question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could have tried pretending you knew who she was by just asking how she was and just talk about yourself until something, some kind of clue helped you remember her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But yeah, after reading Bradley's answer you could just say that you got a new phone which was true, so not much more to add. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T14:58:24.870" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T14:58:24.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2975" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2944" CreationDate="2017-08-30T14:53:49.823" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I use some variation of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That sucks. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Naturally, tailor it to how the person will receive such a statement. I've used &quot;stinks&quot; instead of sucks, because &quot;sucks&quot; doesn't always go over well. Use judgement here.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I use it when any sort of death happens, any sort of relationship ends, or any sort of illness befalls a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Different people react different ways to grief. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some like to be surrounded by others, some desire space. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are comforted by a tale of how your own cat or relative died. Some people hate to hear such a story when they are beset by grief. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless I know the person well enough to know how they grieve, I find it best to leave it neutral, with a recognition that a bad thing happened, and an open offer of help in the control of the bereaved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T14:53:49.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2977" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-30T15:04:03.537" Score="11" ViewCount="1489" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a good friend [27 Male] who works a dead-end job that barely pays and makes him work long hours such that he doesn't really get to do things he enjoys. He originally started this job after encouragement from his friends and myself because he was playing RPG video games endlessly (5-16 hrs/day) and wasn't paying rent (I was covering him). He is paying me back slowly after I made a payment plan where he tags his payments on with the rent. He hasn't finished college after 7 years. Although he claims he will finish soon, I don't particularly believe it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has been a good friend in the past, although that's hard to see from reading what I wrote. We used to do a lot of trips and adventures together and continue to. He wasn't always so badly off, just a bit irresponsible except when he is in a relationship. I've only seen him in one relationship that ended poorly, but being in a relationship seems to give him a purpose to life and he works harder, goes to school and makes plans for the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At 27, we kind of want him to move on with his life. Specifically, get a decent job (literally anything else would be a step up), finish college if he so chooses. I've tried a variety of approaches over the past couple years, but nothing has really worked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any recommendations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4637" LastEditorUserId="222" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T17:55:18.413" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T19:24:32.863" Title="Helping a friend who lacks motivation to move on with their life" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-01-23T15:56:16.670" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2951" CreationDate="2017-08-30T15:31:07.677" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another option for &lt;strong&gt;paying it forward&lt;/strong&gt; is to thanks them for the gift, and then give them a 5 or 10 (approximately the cost of your item) and ask that they apply it to the next customer's order. If your offer is aimed towards another customer, rather than charity, it will help to show you don't feel/want charity aimed at you while still politely accepting their gift AND making someone else's day better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T15:31:07.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2980" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-30T15:32:45.930" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T15:32:45.930" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T15:32:45.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2981" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-30T15:32:45.930" Score="0" Body="Use this tag for questions looking to identify interpersonal skills which can help another person with interpersonal issues. Questions must have a clear and specific goal!" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-04T14:03:00.353" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T14:03:00.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2982" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2958" CreationDate="2017-08-30T15:35:08.563" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been following a YouTube channel called &quot;Charisma on Command&quot;, they made a video I think is relevant to this question, namely a video titled &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyBIT0Q7fOc&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;stand up for yourself without being a jerk&lt;/a&gt;&quot;. It's a very interesting video on conflict management, with a real life example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The video gives steps to manage conflicts. I will repeat them, in increasing order of gravity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Assume that the grouchy person is not actually grouchy, but just excited or clumsy. If you tense up, this increases the chances that the conversation will go down an aggressive path.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring Bob is fringe rudeness, but it might do here, as Bob could just be trying to start a conversation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the conversation keeps going in the wrong direction, respond in a (polite) way that hints that you are uncomfortable with the way the conversation is headed. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Bob doesn't stop talking, there is a chance that he A) doesn't understand nobody cares, or B) does kind of &quot;get&quot; that he is annoying, but he &quot;really wants&quot; to tell his story because then people may actually listen to him. It's possible that Bob merely wants to talk about stuff, so you could try a non-sequitur that sends him down a different conversation branch. Alternatively, it's also okay to say &quot;yes, we heard you the first time Bob&quot;, which at the very least makes it clear that you heard, and hints that you do not care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Call the person out for repeatedly leading the conversation the wrong way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now Bob is really telling his story, presumably loudly. He is doing so despite your hints that you didn't care. You need to call Bob on it. Since you are likely in a group setting, you will have to be careful how you do this, because it may break some group dynamics. Chances are, Bob is annoying other people too, so a blunt intervention might do. Since you have time, you might want polling people about how they feel about Bob. This should help you gain their support once you intervene. Alternatively, if you think calling him annoying can be too abrupt, you can try cracking a joke at Bob's expense, especially a non-offensive joke, like &quot;Oh, Bob, you really got a lot to say. I'm really glad you joined us for lunch.&quot; Chances are Bob will understand he is being annoying after you do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Politely leave (or ask him to leave). All your attempts at healing the conversation have failed. There is little hope that things will get better if you pursue the conversation. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you explicitly stated that you did not want to leave your other colleagues, I think it is sometimes important to &quot;act what you feel&quot;. If you leave out of annoyance, your other colleagues will likely notice. They may even follow you (i.e. if they are annoyed as well). Leaving the conversation may impress on Bob that he is being annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the way you describe Bob, it seems that you sympathize with his disability to read social situations. Great! It should help you keep collected, which should help you call him out in a polite, non-emotionally contrived manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since Bob is a person you see often (I presume), you can repeat this process and try different ways of &quot;telling him&quot; what is wrong. If he is as blatantly grouchy as you say, other people will likely be willing to back you up. You will get even more support from your colleagues if you remain calm and polite, while Bob becomes increasingly unbearable. Group interventions are more impactful and have greater chances of making people realize that they are behaving incorrectly. (That would be the 5th step for you)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, this is work, and anything that prevents you from feeling comfortable at work (or around work) should be noted as being an impediment to your job. Consider informing your superiors about the situation. Hopefully, your superiors will have better resources in terms of workplace relationship management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4640" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T19:20:07.570" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T19:20:07.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2951" CreationDate="2017-08-30T15:42:32.703" Score="80" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note that I am not experienced with blindness, but the generic solution to getting offered something that you don't feel like accepting seems applicable here. This answer has been extensively tested since I started coming into contact with Chinese people more frequently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Politely insist&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your conversation is entirely normal untill this point:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Seller: &quot;Oh, it's on us!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point you should &lt;strong&gt;avoid&lt;/strong&gt; all of the following things:&#xA;- Appearing to be tempted by the offer&#xA;- Asking a question&#xA;- Coming up with a reason/excuse&#xA;- Being passive aggressive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these will push the person's mind into a direction where you don't want it to go. Either because he will be triggered to think more on the situation, and strengthen his feelings through self-confirmation, or because you are being unpleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, my favorite reply in these situations is a confidently presented:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I insist&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try smiling when you say this, as opposed to showing that you didn't like their offer. More importantly, keep in mind that you should mostly make sure they feel like it is not an opening into a discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continue by keeping the discussion open, for instance with one of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We won't miss it, just take it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is my pleasure&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Surely you deserve it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then it is important to be consistent. So again avoid discussing the matter and in a positive and non-awkward way simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really insist&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, most people should get the point and the situation is resolved with minimal awkwardness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4645" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T08:57:54.857" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:57:54.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2944" CreationDate="2017-08-30T16:05:22.587" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;h2&gt;&quot;I'm sorry for your loss.&quot;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not fake any feelings you don't have. You don't have to feel sorry for the pet passing away, if you just don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the fact that you feel the need to say something to the owner of the pet, indicates that you feel sorry for what the owner is experiencing — the loss of their pet, and their grief. So that is exactly what you say to them, you feel sorry for their loss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T07:10:57.073" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T07:10:57.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2989" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-30T16:34:03.737" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T16:34:03.737" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T16:34:03.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2990" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-30T16:34:03.737" Score="0" Body="Questions about using written medium to interact with people. This includes note, text, chat, email, and letter." OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T16:54:37.887" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T16:54:37.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2991" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="2998" CreationDate="2017-08-30T17:02:30.317" Score="28" ViewCount="19786" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I asked a family member to nip to my house to get something while I was at work and when I got home they had thoroughly cleaned most of my house except for the bedrooms. I don't mean they quickly ran the vacuum around either, I mean scrubbed the bathroom level of cleaning, it must have taken a couple of hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I admit it was overdue a good clean as things have been a bit stressful and I probably haven't done as much around the house as I should have recently, but (most of) it wasn't filthy (in my opinion, they apparently disagree).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a bit insulted that they felt my house was that dirty they needed to clean it, but at the same time, I'm thankful they did it for me, thus saving me time and effort. My problem is now I don't know how to handle the situation when I next speak to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2356" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T19:50:19.623" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T09:27:20.993" Title="How should I respond to someone cleaning my house without me asking?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;act-of-kindness&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2991" CreationDate="2017-08-30T17:11:31.843" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I stay at someone's house and they head to work the next morning (obviously friends close enough to trust me to do that), I'd give it a clean up as a thank-you (not their bedroom, mind). It's not always out of judgment or anything malicious. There's not much point creating any animosity over it, it most likely came from a good place. In the long run, it's a benefit unless something went missing or was moved out of place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just simply say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks a lot for cleaning up, you didn't have to! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and by her reaction, you can then decide whether to be insulted, I'd take insult if she said something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I hope it stays that way!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, don't worry too much. I know my step-mum would happily clean my house without thinking it was dirty but because she doesn't mind cleaning up (and has a whole different standard of clean to me) plus having the time is a factor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;It's always nice to come home to a clean house&quot;, as my biological mum would always say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2012" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T20:35:29.110" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T20:35:29.110" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2991" CreationDate="2017-08-30T17:12:37.357" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is about personal boundaries you have with that person above everything else in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandmother cleaned both my sisters' houses a few years ago - one sister didn't talk to her for half a year while the other was thankful. This is more about what you feel comfortable with than something that is objectively bad/good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to think about that and decide how you want your relationship to look like. Especially since this gets &lt;em&gt;a lot harder&lt;/em&gt; with kids when grandparents are really helpful but often have a hard time with boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you think she went ahead and cleaned your house? I can't read her mind but if I had to guess she was probably trying to help and she thought her son needed help and wanted him to live in a clean environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her help in her terms is something you are comfortable with you should be grateful and thank her. If her terms cause you to feel like a boundary has been crossed - think about a polite way to bring that up while still acknowledging that she probably wanted to help in a good faith.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T17:12:37.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2994" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-08-30T17:14:57.037" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T17:14:57.037" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T17:14:57.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2995" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-08-30T17:14:57.037" Score="0" Body="Questions about interactions surrounding grief and death. The deceased can be an acquaintance, friend, family, or pet." OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-10-18T01:03:33.333" LastActivityDate="2018-10-18T01:03:33.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="2996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2977" CreationDate="2017-08-30T17:34:40.643" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person that has struggled with a lack of motivation, I can relate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've tried a variety of approaches over the past couple years, but nothing has really worked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's good you have tried many approaches. Never expect the first - or first five - swings to hit. Like with depression, solutions can vary and may not come quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said a lot of things that are not quite related to motivation, so the whole problem could be much bigger. But you are saying that he is making plans for the future, and that he &quot;goes out on trips and adventures&quot; so I will avoid going on a tangent, and assume that the problem is truly a lack of motivation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing I would do is ask your friend what he wants from life, wants to do, wants to become, and then what he believes he could do if he had the motivation. Then ask him what he wants but doesn't believe he could do even if he tried, (or which would require excruciating effort from him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, list all of the answers down. It feels better to put things down on paper, and it helps gaining perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you need to find out what prevents him from doing all the things he wants. You have given a pretty big hint here: he plays a LOT of video games (or at least, he used to). Ask your friend if he is spending too much time doing one thing, when he could be spending more time doing more productive things. Chances are that he is aware that he is wasting time playing games when he could otherwise be more productive, e.g. working or studying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(From here onward, I will talk as if your friend is procrastinating by playing video games, but any form of procrastination should be equivalent. If, on the other hand, your friend simply doesn't have much free time, you might consider editing the question to make THAT more obvious. In my mind, it's difficult to be productive when you're already working full time and going to college. In such a case I wouldn't call the problem &quot;a lack of motivation&quot;, but rather &quot;trying to do too many things that aren't very fun just to get by, and feeling overworked as a result&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend truly has ambition, he should be frustrated at himself, and you should be able to tap into that frustration to help him overcome his procrastination issues. There are a few ways you can help him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Create a schedule&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our brains are more productive when doing habitual tasks. For instance, at first we can be reluctant to brushing our teeth every day, but after years of doing it, it almost feels &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt; not to do it: our minds build habits. Habits are a way of removing some cognitive stress by mentally preparing to do something (as opposed to continually &quot;choosing&quot; to keep working).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Create a schedule that is fairly easy, so that your friend has very little reasons to burn steps. As time goes on, make changes to the schedule so that it is more restrictive and includes more productive time. If the schedule is too restrictive, don't feel bad to make it less restrictive: a schedule that is not respected is the worst schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply moving the time zone for playing video games from &quot;anytime&quot; to &quot;from 2PM&quot; can actually make a world of difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Implement deterrents&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend obviously likes to play video games a lot. Like anyone with a powerful habit, it can be very difficult to &quot;just stop&quot;. Fortunately, you friend has you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've often wished that I could ask someone to &quot;keep me away&quot; from games during my working hours. If you agree with your friend to initiate this mechanism, it could work, although be sure that he is okay with it. Think of it like detox, but for entertainment media.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More extreme versions of socially-enacted deterrents are called &quot;Commitment contracts&quot;, where your friend gives you control over a certain amount of his cash, which you then are to spend arbitrarily if your friend does not act productively. (The YouTuber Boyinaband made a video called &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&amp;amp;rct=j&amp;amp;q=&amp;amp;esrc=s&amp;amp;source=web&amp;amp;cd=1&amp;amp;cad=rja&amp;amp;uact=8&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwitrsD-uf_VAhVM1oMKHXgbADEQtwIIJzAA&amp;amp;url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DhEd4UW5f7s4&amp;amp;usg=AFQjCNErZtmthX42R6jMuFPRTPaU1JnimA&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Happiness Experiment&lt;/a&gt;&quot; where he essentially did this with his sister. Her sister would give 10K$ to the Church of Scientology if he was not productive every single day!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are tools to lock applications or websites on the computer at given times of the day. I use such tools myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These deterrents are all about relieving stress from having to constantly choose to &quot;keep on working&quot;. Dedicating a specific room for productive work can help. Putting your game consoles and computer games in a separate room where they are not apparent or nearby can help. This beneficial effect is actually shown in the famous &quot;Marshmallow experiment&quot; (google it!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Keep on planning&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Planning is usually pretty easy, especially if it concerns planning things that will happen tomorrow or later (after all, to procrastinate is to plan to do things for later). Take time to plan things out with your friend; just putting plans on paper can help a lot in &quot;making sense of it all&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A mistake a lot of people do when making radical changes in their lives is to go all in very quickly. As with the Agile mentality, it's recommended to make planning a continuous process rather than a one-off thing. Buy yourself a chalkboard, or download time-tracking applications. Dedicate 15 minutes every day to sorting out what you'll do in the near future, check boxes to keep track of what you did and did not do, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even large and abstract tasks (like &quot;getting a girlfriend&quot;, or &quot;finding a more fulfilling job&quot;) can be broken down into smaller steps (&quot;get comfortable talking to girls&quot; &lt;strong&gt;&amp;rightarrow;&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;learn how to start a conversation&quot; &lt;strong&gt;&amp;rightarrow;&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;practice social interactions in the mirror/filming yourself/with supportive friends&quot;) until they seem achievable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a good workflow and some discipline, nearly anything can be achieved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4640" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T19:24:32.863" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T19:24:32.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-30T17:45:18.990" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a personal setting, the person receiving the call should pick up the phone with a greeting, but not necessarily with an identification. The caller should always identify themselves first. As someone initiating a call to a residence, you should have a pretty short list of people whom you expect to answer the other end. The person receiving has no idea who could be calling (could be anyone in the world) without caller id. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The exception to this would be if you are a visitor in someone else's home and are answering their phone on their behalf. If you are visiting the Jones family and decide to answer their phone an appropriate greeting would simply be: &quot;Hello, Jones residence.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a business setting however, it is customary to identify both the business name and your own when answering a phone:&#xA;&quot;Hello, Jones auto repair, Bill speaking.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4656" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T17:45:18.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2991" CreationDate="2017-08-30T17:59:59.317" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pretty much echoing what others have said: I'd be &lt;em&gt;so grateful!&lt;/em&gt; &lt;em&gt;But&lt;/em&gt; I'd also be embarrassed and feel a little bit violated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adulthood is complicated. One can assume a house/flat/whatever is a mess because that's how one prefers it. In that case, the person is telling you in action that her values supersede yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, one can assume - based on seeing the house before, or how you run the rest of your life - a messy house is just something that has gotten away from you. This person had some free time, and thought they were helping you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, the person doesn't care at all why your house is messy; they have a compulsion to clean when they see something untidy. That's about them, not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two things are important to note, and telling: this person feels close enough to you to scrub your bathroom, and this person respects your privacy and boundaries enough to not touch your bedrooms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you feel about it? If you are insulted but don't feel violated, I would be heavy on the &quot;thank you&quot;, with a side comment of, &quot;It wasn't &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; bad, was it?&quot; Then discuss honestly (feelings, not facts.) (My response after the thanks part would be how embarrassed I was, because keeping my house spic and span is low on my list of priorities. But again, thanks!!! It's so nice to come home to a clean house!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel insulted and a bit violated, I'd go in the other direction: &quot;It wasn't &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; that bad, was it? But Thanks, I appreciate your kindness. You have a good heart (or something less condescending but true, so they aren't hurt.)&quot; Then, if you want to, you can discuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T17:59:59.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="2999" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2951" CreationDate="2017-08-30T18:09:25.997" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;A slightly different view of this may help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe it makes &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; feel good to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By refusing you are &lt;em&gt;possibly&lt;/em&gt; making them feel they are not wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd suggest you take a more polite approach :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks very much.  But, honestly, I get a bit uncomfortable when people offer me things and I'm fine with paying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; insist then perhaps just say :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, if you insist. Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you push your rejection you probably will cause a little hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you're in the same place, if you're offered again :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, really, you're very kind. I can't make a habit of this.  It's your livelihood, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But remember that some people simply feel good when they help others.  Don't rush to deprive them of that feeling.  You may, in that sense, be giving them something in return which they value as much as, or more than, the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T09:01:26.653" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T09:01:26.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3000" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-30T18:16:18.017" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Counter-intuitively, you should &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; use arguments that are clear, concise and easy to understand. You should address misconceptions and &lt;em&gt;make the other person think&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Derek which is producing the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHnyfMqiRRG1u-2MsSQLbXA&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Veritasium videos&lt;/a&gt; wrote his &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.physics.usyd.edu.au/super/theses/PhD(Muller).pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;PhD thesis&lt;/a&gt; about teaching science, and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVtCO84MDj8&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;talks about&lt;/a&gt; how he builds up his videos to counter the findings that &quot;too easy to digest&quot; information results in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Students think they know it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They don't pay their utmost attention.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They don't recognize that what was presented differs from what they were already thinking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They don't learn a thing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They get more confident in the ideas they were thinking before.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1797" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T18:16:18.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2951" CreationDate="2017-08-30T18:34:46.993" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The awkward part happens when you ask them to articulate the obvious: you're blind. Looking again,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: &quot;How much is it?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Seller: &quot;Oh, it's on us!&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: &quot;Are you sure?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Seller: &quot;Absolutely!&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: &quot;Why? I'd like to pay!&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Seller: It's because you're blind, of course, and your life is harder than mine and I feel that anything that I can do to make it a bit better is worth doing! And besides, it makes me feel good to help others who are otherwise obviously like me!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ask,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what should I do or say to these sellers to prevent the conversation from becoming awkward in the first place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That one's easy. Don't ask them why they're doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to pay, don't even entertain not paying (no, &quot;Are you sure?).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like free stuff, just say, &quot;Thanks! You just made my day!&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to contribute to others, try,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're very kind, but I'm fine to pay. If you want to help someone in my place, though, there's a homeless shelter that takes left-over baked goods on #rd and #th.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're very kind. I'll be sure to pay it forward! (smile.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T18:34:46.993" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3002" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-30T18:40:06.987" Score="24" ViewCount="1622" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have Asperger's Syndrome.  I'm an aspie.  I am naturally inclined to say things literally and take things literally, but I have learned most &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurotypical&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;neurotypicals&lt;/a&gt; communicate differently, and as a minority, it's up to me to adapt where I can, so I do my best to learn typical non-literal implications.  That goes both ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, I say something, and people believe I implied something else.  This may lead to conflict.  I may get annoyed at the other because I perceive they aren't listening properly.  They might get annoyed at me because they perceive I'm being dishonest.  Perhaps it's even related to this elusive term passive-aggressive that I've never quite understood.  A classic if somewhat constructed example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: You said you like X&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: I did not say I like X&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: Oh, so you don't like X?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: No, I did not say I don't like X. Actually, I like X.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt; (annoyed): But you just said you didn't say that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although this example is somewhat artificial, there are many examples in the daily world where poor communication may cause conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example, from the real world:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ten years ago, a young woman I knew from university asked if she could sit on my bike rack, and I answered she was too heavy, as my bike rack doesn't like more than 30 kg or so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't remember if I said the part about the maximum weight for my bike rack, but as an engineer, she should understand.  I'm bad at reading non-verbal communication and I was unable to understand her response, I may have said something wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am aware that there is a cultural attitude against telling women they are too heavy, but rationally there should be no insult in telling an adult woman her mass appears to be more than 30 kg and that the bike won't like it, in particular, if she is an engineer.  It's true.  And it was only a 500-meter walk anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I kept a diary I could probably list dozens, if not hundreds, of examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In hindsight, I may be able to think of ways I could have formulated it differently, but I'm not sure if &lt;em&gt;My bike won't like that&lt;/em&gt; would have had a very different effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question here is not about those specific examples, but more broadly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate more clearly that I really just meant what I said, and did not mean to imply anything else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Note and clarifications&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am currently in the United Kingdom.  I have previously lived in The Netherlands, Germany, Sweden, and Canada.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I experience the scenario described above offline and on the internet and with people from those countries as well as Brazil, Korea, Thailand, United States, Australia, and elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I believe it's more an Asperger thing than a location-based culture thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="40" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T16:37:39.513" Title="How to reduce the risk of people interpret me implying things, when I never intended to?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-30T19:17:28.470" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Switch to gifts&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My goal is to not give them any more money in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While luckily I do not have your problem with the adult members of my family (they are the other way round and tend to not take &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; money - you know the situation when people fight over who gets to pay the bill in a restaurant).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But with my children, I have adopted this solution to the &quot;lending&quot; problem (before it ever occured): my children know that I &lt;em&gt;never lend any money&lt;/em&gt;. Instead, I only ever &lt;em&gt;gift&lt;/em&gt; money. (I obviously reserve the right to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; gift something if I don't feel like it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This solves the problem nicely. First, it removes the &quot;dirty&quot; aspect of lending. No keeping track of who gets how much. No nagging, no rising bills, etc.. No (emotional) blackmail etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, they enjoy a gift more than something that is only lent. It is truly theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thirdly, it is intuitively clear to me that &lt;em&gt;asking&lt;/em&gt; for a gift is more &quot;severe&quot; than asking for a loan. They lose the (futile) argument of &quot;... but I will surely return it tomorrow&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourthly, by not lending anything, ever, even once, and being very upfront about it (for example: child says &quot;can you lend me €10?&quot; - you would respond &quot;naah, I don't lend money, but take these €10 as a gift&quot;), you really ingrain that aspect about your personality in your surroundings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fifthly, at least subjectively, it feels pretty easy for me to say &quot;no, I don't want to&quot; for requests where I actually don't want to. I believe it would be harder for me if it were a loan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your actual situation, I would suggest to just do it similarly. Tell them that you feel bad holding those loans over them, that you &lt;em&gt;hate&lt;/em&gt; to have &quot;power&quot; (in the form of open loans) because you love them dearly. Tell them that all open loans are forgiven and gifted - that it's a blank slate. Then tell them that you decided for yourself that lending money makes you sick and you will in future only &lt;em&gt;gift&lt;/em&gt; money to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Afterwards, obviously, comes the hard part of saying No... but I would assume, not knowing your relatives, that something  &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; change. If you actually &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; want to give them money in the future, do it from your own heart - invite them to dinner or to some amusement park and tell them to leave their purses at home, whatever. But it is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; decision and &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; initiative. Now, when they ask you for $100 or $1000 or whatever large amount, you can truthfully say &quot;I am sorry, but I cannot afford to give up that money right now&quot; and they can &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; refute that argument with &quot;yes, I know, and I will give it back tomorrow&quot; (which you know they won't).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Note on educating them&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't. The point and the spirit of this technique is to make it only about yourself (while removing the dirty aspects of lending). Your &lt;em&gt;actions&lt;/em&gt; will educate them (or not), but the &lt;em&gt;results&lt;/em&gt; you get will not depend on whether they &quot;get it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T19:17:28.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3005" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2958" CreationDate="2017-08-30T19:25:50.113" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since I do not know how your other co-worker reacts, a first step might be to ask them if they have any problems with Bob's behaviour. To do this in a subtle way, you could start a conversation like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I would like your opinion on something. I recently noticed that I find Bob's ways of conversation annoying, and I am planning on addressing this fact with him. Or do you think that would be an overreaction? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it so that the conversation is about the fact that you want to address Bob. No gossip about how annoying Bob is, focus on you and what you are planning to do. Your co-worker can probably give the best feedback, because he is also present during lunches with Bob. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: Do not expect that you can entirely change Bob's behaviour to fit your own wishes entirely. If you are going to confront Bob about this, be prepared to adapt your expectations as well. Be prepared to find a middle ground! If you are not, and just want Bob to not talk to you, there is no other way to achieve this than being blunt, and saying this directly to Bob. This will not be good for your relationship with him!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you said, Bob doesn't take subtle hints. You tried, so the best way is to just start a direct conversation about it. You could either do this on occasion (e.g. when Bob tries to start another conversation using a pronoun game), but my first preference is always to just take the Bob aside. Make sure it is just the two of you. You don't want to confront Bob with a whole horde of disagreement. Maybe you can book a meeting room, or go for a lunch walk, so if Bob raises his voice in disagreement, it is not heard by everyone. From what I gather from your question, Bob raising his voice is almost a certainty, so be prepared to handle it. Then mention what you mentioned in your question, but bring it gently. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're a good guy Bob, but I really want to discuss something with you. I would like you to hear me out, and think with me on how we can improve this situation. Thing is, I really don't mind lunching with you and (other co-worker goes here), but ... There are a few things about your behaviour at lunch time that bother me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could explain your opinion on the pronoun game, how you would really like Bob to either come straight to the point or say nothing at all, ask him if he ever noticed that he gets louder when talking, and especially when someone disagrees with him. Also explain to him that loud disagreement in a workspace is not really a professional behaviour, and that is makes you feel bad as well, you don't like being shouted at. And if it's (as Vylix mentioned) a case of you simply wanting to lunch in total silence, you might just say to Bob that you prefer to eat your lunches in silence. Be an example, do not sound accusatory and at all times be clear that this is as much a problem for you as it is for Bob. If Bob raises his voice because he disagrees with you, keep a gentle and calm tone yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure to ask Bob his opinion. Bob might offer an explanation for his behaviour. Maybe Bob is talking a lot, and trying a lot of different topics, just so he can find something that you both can talk about? Sounds to me Bob is trying very hard to be sociable, and your 'subtle' responses of mm, yeah, and uhuh might make him try even harder. Maybe you could initiate a conversation more often, so it starts with a topic that you like talking about with Bob? Maybe Bob has other problems, that make he has trouble processing social cues?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Bob and you can come to some sort of agreement, then take the occasional approach when his behaviour is running out of hand at that moment. Make sure you are direct, gentle and most of all: Do not embarrass Bob! This means keeping the reminders between the two of you, so make sure that no co-workers that have no business knowing can hear you reminding Bob that his voice is to loud, or that he is talking to empty air again because you and other co-worker are not interested in the conversation. And always follow up in the last situation by steering the conversation to a topic that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T19:25:50.113" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3006" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2970" CreationDate="2017-08-30T19:35:20.220" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I really don't think you need to do anything. Starting a conversation without even a simple hello, even amongst close acquaintances, and especially on the phone, is out of the norm. The problem was with the caller and not anything you said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more common expression in your scenario would be to say 'Who is this?' rather than 'Who are you?' since the latter can sound accusatory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4668" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T19:35:20.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1443" CreationDate="2017-08-30T19:36:00.697" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have Asperger Syndrome.  I can count my close friends on the fingers of one hand.  Until I met my partner by sheer luck, when we were both in our 20s, I had a desire to form a romantic relationship but no clue whatsoever how to go about it. (&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flirting&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Wikipedia article on flirting&lt;/a&gt; was less useful than now, and most NTs probably wouldn't consult it when seeking romance.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My close friends are all more or less on the spectrum.  That's not because we actively sought each other out; it just turned out that way.  Somehow I only form or retain friendships where this is the case.  Perhaps there's also an &quot;as-dar&quot;, autism/asperger-radar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Twelve years ago, a young man in the local Autism Club said that he had had several romantic relationships with NTs, which all broke down, but that the AS-AS relationship he was in at the time held.  He recommended us aspies to seek out other aspies.  At the time I felt it was unfair, because (at least according to my knowledge at the time) the AS gender ratio was not in my favour.  Ultimately I was very lucky to meet my partner, and I believe what he said was true: AS-AS relationships work better than AS-NT ones.  I've seen that in myself and in other aspies, although my observation may be clouded by observation bias and I have no solid evidence to back it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To come back to your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As an neurodivergent person that is committing a lot for their friends and emotionally expecting this to be returned, how to handle the fact that this commitment won't be returned?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't, because that's not quite how it works.  At least not for close friends.  When you need to ask this question, it probably isn't quite working out already; it may be a good enough friendship for enjoying each other's company, but not for the type of &lt;em&gt;we understand each other!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's what I believe is needed in a close friendship, and certainly in a relationship: &lt;em&gt;we understand each other&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;we are a match&lt;/em&gt;, etc.  I have plenty of buddies with whom I can get along.  I might go on a 3-day hiking-&amp;amp;-camping trip, but not on a 10-day one.  When I'm around my buddies, I still need to concentrate actively on the communication, because our brains are wired differently.  I know that, but I'm constantly translating.  That tires me, and I feel I can never quite completely relax like I can around my close friends or partner.  It's of course true in general, that people may have a small circle of close friends, and a larger circle of buddies.  I can never experience what it's like to be NT, so I cannot possibly compare, but it may be that it's harder for us to form the former, because our minority status puts us at a disadvantage.  Or maybe NT life is just as lonely as AS.  Who knows?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will use the word buddies for the people you describe as friends.  With them, I think you need to adjust your expectations.  If you enjoy shared activities, do them.  If you enjoy hanging out and talking about whatever interests you, do so.  But if there was a match for those buddies to become close friends, they would have already become so.  If it hasn't happened yet, it won't happen either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a sad and lonely thing to realise.  The corollary question is: how to find close friends?  Now that's a billion dollar question.  Please let me know if you find out.  Personally, I make about one close friend per decade — Facebook “friends” not included.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="40" LastEditorUserId="18715" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T09:30:56.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T09:30:56.197" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3008" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2938" CreationDate="2017-08-30T19:41:46.197" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest give away is plurality: girlfriends will almost always mean female friends. Men also rarely use any qualifier for our friends, so even if we are referring to a female friend, we would usually just say friend. The ambiguity comes when a female uses the term girlfriend in the singular. In this case, there is really no way to know if they have a romantic relationship or not other than asking, or if you know for certain that they are heterosexual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4266" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T10:29:54.500" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T10:29:54.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2970" CreationDate="2017-08-30T19:45:19.760" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Who is this?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; should be pretty neutral and understandable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possible variations: &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, who is this?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, whom am I speaking with?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T19:45:19.760" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-08-30T19:55:50.313" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;To avoid being seen as a cash cow, don't be one.  They don't need to know your financial situation, nor your reasons for denying them further payouts.  Simply stop saying &quot;yes&quot; and if they press you for reasoning, simply state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not in a financial position to help you with your needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you provide any information about why this is, they will compare their &quot;needs&quot; to your &quot;needs&quot; and subjectively declare that they have more need of your money than you, and you will either have to rationally defend your needs against theirs, or tell them that their needs don't matter - neither of which are easy positions to defend, and will only end hurting feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if they press for answers don't allow them to change the subject to why you can't help them, instead shift the conversation towards other ways you might be able to help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry I can't help you with money.  Is there some other way I can help you?  Do you want me to take a look at your spending and make some suggestions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you've already provided a lot of loans you might be able to turn that to your advantage in maintaining your case that you need your money:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are already borrowing $$$ of my money, and I need you to pay it back so I can meet my needs.  We made an arrangement to pay it off, and if I continue to lend you money that debt will only grow.  I don't plan on lending you any additional money until that debt is repaid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now here's something you can consider doing for them: as they pay their debt, put their principle payments into another account.  For now on, that debt is their &quot;credit limit&quot; with you.  If they want to borrow more money, and they've paid it down over time, then you can loan them up to the amount they've paid off, and no more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts a natural limit to your largess, and you can take the interest out and add it to your income after each payment.  If they stop paying and reach their credit limit, they are only confirming to you that they are not in a good position to increase their debt.  If they are paying it off regularly and using it as a line of credit, you'll at least not have to worry about losing more money, and you won't have to feel bad about turning them down when they have reached their limit.  It's their choice, and you are providing them a reasonable service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T19:55:50.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-30T19:57:46.533" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to keep in mind that scientists, or doctors, or other experts, do not always know best and are often in disagreement with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, the presence of &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; poor studies and disagreeing experts means that, for many people, &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; studies and scientific claims become highly suspect. To some extent, skepticism is good, but where is the balancing point?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not uncommon for doctors to release contradictory - sometimes even mutually-exclusive - findings. It is even more common that a doctor tells you something that you &quot;know&quot; to be wrong. When this happens, it is only natural for skepticism to increase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can use myself as a good example. For almost my entire childhood, I ate a diet of almost exclusively carb-loaded foods. Throughout elementary and high school, it was normal for me to go weeks at a time eating nothing but grain-based foods, mostly Ramen noodles and elbows or ziti (plain and dry, no sauces, butter, or anything), often on bread as a sandwich (I would cook the Ramen, drain it, and put the noodles on bread). Plenty of people will tell you now all about how too many carbs is a problem, and supposedly a carb-heavy diet is bad for you. Yet I was one of the healthiest people I knew for a long time: always a good weight, alert, rarely got sick, etc.. Now that I am older, my diet changed to become more normal (more meat, vegetables, and other stuff), and after a few years of abandoning my carb-only diet, my health has been declining; I'm gaining more weight than ever, tired all the time, sick more often, etc..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How am I supposed to respond to all the people who provide me with expert knowledge, often from doctors, who insist that my previous diet that I held for 20+ years was bad for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with you that it is frustrating when trying to debate, or even just discuss, with people who refuse to be reasonable. However, when it comes to health and medicine, a lot of &quot;known good&quot; and &quot;known bad&quot; things keep changing, doctors do disagree, and it appears from the outside that doctors are unreliable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another view to consider: Sometimes the data that we get from doctors is good but their interpretation of it is opinion-based or biased.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned &quot;anti-vaxxers.&quot; That's me, my family, and a lot of my friends. We know the risks. We read the literature, and I cannot deny the statistics and the science, but I &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; deny the common myth that you need to be vaccinated or you are part of the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are plenty of ways to avoid catching or spreading a disease that are equally effective, or more, than vaccines. We generally practice the best form of disease control: we just keep to ourselves. My wife works at home, the kids are home-schooled, and I am the only person who regularly leaves the house (and I wouldn't either if I could avoid it). We have home sanitization procedures that we follow if any of us has been around many people or new people, or if we are concerned we could have been exposed to anything. Our procedures probably look paranoid to outside viewers, but I assure you that despite being among your &quot;anti-vaxxers&quot; we are less of a concern than your average &quot;vaxxers.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our kids are rarely ever sick, especially compared to their peers, and if they do get sick it is almost always because of some average, vaccinated friend or family member who caught something from school and passed it on to us because they were rude enough to be around people without mentioning they were sick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, the moral of my second point here is that sometimes the people you talk to do not disagree with your science, but rather they disagree with the opinions that doctors have formed based on the science. For example, I do not disagree with the statistics you find about any particular disease, but I do disagree about the best way to defend against it, and I am willing to do my due diligence to follow through with my life choices. In the end, my family is less likely to contract any particular vaccine-preventable disease than any random other family that has been vaccinated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the people you talk to might be like me: educated and aware of the data you are likely to provide but uninterested in arguing the conclusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For those who simply do not like critical thinking, and there are plenty in that category, well, there's not much you can do there. I feel for your &quot;But we are not dogs&quot; response. I know a guy who eats almost exclusively meat and practically no plants, saying &quot;Plants aren't food; plants are what food eats,&quot; and he insists plants are unhealthy. When I point out his bad health and also that the animals he eats were themselves healthy before he ate them, he dismisses me with &quot;But we aren't cows.&quot; Granted, cows digest food differently, but that does not dismiss my point. People like this will find whatever scientific article supports their view (this goes back to the aforementioned &quot;doctors disagree with each other&quot;), and they will cling to it against all odds. There is little you can do about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Summary&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My main points have been:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look to your own argument and make sure that it really is as common-sense as you think it is; maybe it's not. If it were, there wouldn't be some other scientist disagreeing with you. Answer: Try researching alternate views, even non-peer-reviewed ones. Peer reviewed does not mean correct.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe the other person is not disagreeing with your science but rather with your opinions that are drawn from the science. Answer: Try asking the person if they have any logical reason for their point of view. Warning: Many people hate this, and since this is interpersonal stackexchange maybe this is not the answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some people just cannot be reasoned with no matter what. Answer: Shake your head and walk away.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3245" LastEditorUserId="3245" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T20:08:51.317" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T20:08:51.317" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3012" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-30T20:04:26.553" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The term 'guys' is a regionalism, used to mean &quot;a group of people&quot; in much of the US, and (because Hollywood) increasingly throughout the English-speaking world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the UK, few communities will tell you off for the term &quot;guys&quot; implying that the group is actually comprised of mannequins designed to be burned on a bonfire; in the US, few will tell you off for implying it is comprised of males.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some online subcultures which do object to gendered regionalisms like this - and speaking of regionalisms, I'm not sure why, but this class of communities seems to be very much a California thing. They're not a Left-wing thing, though: I very much doubt you'll ever encounter this in any Austin-based community, for example!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, though, any online subculture which has a policy of shaming any terms of regionalized speech such as &quot;youse guys&quot;, &quot;guys&quot;, &quot;folks&quot;, &quot;chaps&quot; or &quot;y'all&quot; is discriminatory, unpleasant, and toxic: such communities are to be avoided and censured.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These communities will typically be exceptionally elitist, but will often claim the policies are there to try to &quot;reduce discrimination&quot;: the true purpose and actual effect however, is to alienate, externalize and drive out those who do not speak the appropriate shibboleths. This in turn has a chilling effect on casual speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the reliable signs of a friendly online community is that regionalized speech will in all cases be embraced and broadly welcomed, and this can even be represented in official policies requiring linguistic tolerance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Linguistic differences and confusions over terms which are regionally offensive, are not only tolerated but discussed with delight at the differences, rather than offense; intended meaning by the speaker is always given priority over etymology, offensive or otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So people will laugh at how &quot;a pat on the fanny&quot; is remarkably more offensive in the UK, without censuring the person who said it in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such practices strongly encourage people to express their diversity, to feel free expressing themselves comfortably as casual speech, and in turn drives community involvement by those who are not &quot;first-language English&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone means to give offense, they can do so just as well using words that carry no negative etymological or phonetic baggage; &quot;you fail to understand common English usage, which reflects poorly both upon you, and upon your teachers.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And people can use words with this negative baggage in non-offensive ways: &quot;The company's &lt;em&gt;niggardly&lt;/em&gt; meal allowance has become a &lt;em&gt;tar-baby&lt;/em&gt;. Call me a &lt;em&gt;blackguard&lt;/em&gt;, but I'll use the money for &lt;em&gt;fags&lt;/em&gt; and a &lt;em&gt;picnic&lt;/em&gt; for the &lt;em&gt;guys&lt;/em&gt; instead!&quot; (though since this sentence has been deliberately crafted to have a high density of potentially-offensive terms, so could be taken as a deliberate troll). Any community which takes offense at any of those words in isolation, though, is certainly a community to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In short: if it causes offense, best to avoid the offended community.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If concerned, pick another term instead: when in doubt, I like to use &quot;peeps&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4288" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T20:04:26.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2991" CreationDate="2017-08-30T20:15:44.670" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why not just be grateful for it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably your family member noticed your stressful situation and decided to help. This person didn't have to, you didn't ask to, but this person decided to spend sometime on making your life a little better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe that person feels very good about doing something really nice like that. Will you deprive that person of the joy of serving others? Especially a dear family member?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be kind and return the favor somehow at some other time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4225" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T20:15:44.670" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3002" CreationDate="2017-08-30T20:37:04.807" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;To me, it does not sound like a pure Asperger thing: I have never been diagnosed with anything, but make the same mistake (not communicating clearly what I want to say). But from what I know about autism disorders it can definitely make communicating worse, and if my answer does not work for you, feel free to let me know. It is mostly based upon improving by practising and feedback, and I have not enough knowledge about Asperger's to know if that is possible for you. But here is what works for me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People that know me better (say, co-workers for daily interactions, family, neighbours, friends) know that I am not always clear in my communications. With most of them, I had a serious talk about this, and proposed to them that if they think I am 'doing it again', they just repeat what I just said back to me, but in their own words/interpretation. This makes for constant exercise and after a few years I have improved a lot in thinking before I talk, and thus me being imprecise is happening less and less.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then there is the category of people that I have just met, that don't know about my quirks, but with whom I might have to interact more often (new colleagues or class mates for example). In some cases, they realise something is off about my way of communication, but most of the time, it is me that realises it after 10 minutes/1 hour/a good nights' sleep. I always make it a point to go back to these people, explain to them that although I said so and so, I later realised this could imply thus-and-thus for them. I apologise (just a polite 'I'm sorry if this offended/hurt you in any way'), explain my quirk and a.) Either ask them to adhere to bullet no. 1 or b.) Leave it at that for now, but return to the decision-making process when things happen again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And if I am just talking to a stranger on the bus, and later realise that 'Oh, our conversation might have fallen short because I said so-and-so', I try to formulate a better way for myself, learn from it (archive it) and leave it at that, since there is no apologising to strangers you only meet once.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your first example of 'not liking X', Eric's comment is spot-on: Most people do not understand the difference between 'I never said I like X' and 'liking X'. The best way to respond to these situations would be to either not stop your sentence after 'I never said I like X' or to rephrase the response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never said I like X out loud, but you are right, I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't remember saying I like X to you. You are right however, I do. Did someone else perhaps tell you I like X?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This provides a little more context than just an 'I never said that'. For me, it took years of practice (even in my head), some coaching and lots of situations to create such an arsenal of 'standard' replies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the bike-rack case, I would have gone back to the person as soon as I realised my mistake, and just state that the bike-rack says it only holds up to 30 kilo's, and I was just not willing to put her in danger. The last part here is a subtle form of flattery, and makes her think you care about her enough to not put her in danger. That part works well in other situations too, so it is also part of my 'standard arsenal of expected communications'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I could have made the same mistake, by the way. I always assumed bike-racks these days can't hold more than 30 kilo's and I would have assumed this general knowledge, at least in the Netherlands).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T07:40:32.153" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3016" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-30T21:16:04.223" Score="4" ViewCount="496" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know why but with years I create more distance in my relationships. I have suffered from this situation a lot and that's why I am here for some advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I have a problem accepting gifts or receiving help from friends, family members. It's like a torture when a friend invites me a beer or giving a birthday present or even drive me to home with the car. I don't have a problem giving but receiving. Actually, I give much more than I receive. Sometimes I think that if I would save all money that I spend on beers that I invited I could buy a new car but I don't care too much if I am not considered someone to take advantage from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some old friends complain about why I don't have contact with them for years. It has been years since the last time I saw a family member. That doesn't mean I don't love them, simply I don't find the necessity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I go to bars in the night to drink alone. I see people try to have a conversation with me but at the end, they give up thinking that I am a weirdo. I am not an asocial person. If I am in the mood I can talk to anyone about anything, especially with strangers while maintaining the distance which is easier than with people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to be a witness of people's feelings, especially when they cry. I hate people when they cry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to be this kind of person that I described above. I want to enjoy a conversation without thinking the next move, smile to my GF without thinking what an unreal situation I am in, be able to accept gifts from friends without thinking the responsibility of returns, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I do to overcome this person? Any advice would be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4675" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T21:19:08.837" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T23:11:10.620" Title="I build walls towards everyone, everything and want to overcome" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-08-30T23:38:43.793" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3017" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-30T21:26:57.703" Score="20" ViewCount="4894" Body="&lt;p&gt;The title pretty much says it all, I know there are cases where giving compliments to strangers makes them uncomfortable (for example, catcalling), but as I understand it there is a separate set of compliments one can give that are much more likely to be taken positively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A rough heuristic I've come up with so far is to only compliment decisions; that is, if you call someone beautiful you're objectifying them, but if you call their jacket beautiful you signify that you appreciate their choice in clothing, which is much more likely to be taken positively. But I'm not sure this is a robust enough rule to be used safely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="351" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T07:30:49.577" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T23:42:52.330" Title="Is there a general rule for when/how to compliment a stranger?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-09-01T07:50:34.063" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3017" CreationDate="2017-08-30T21:47:39.460" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My personal opinion is it's most likely to be well received when used as an icebreaker in a situation where an enduring conversation is possible (the environment permits it), practical (the changing relationship between the people permits it) and welcome (the recipient permits it). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Outside of this, more care would be needed to ensure the purpose of paying it was understood and it was appropriate/welcome to the transaction/interaction taking place. (&quot;Welcome&quot; would largely be judged by the body language the recipient is displaying)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If no interaction is currently taking place (you're not currently talking), or would reasonably arise if one/both parties didn't deviate from their current behaviour/trajectory (you're not going to be close enough to the other person to attract their attention without altering your current position/heading), or the context is such that there's no follow on set of events that you and the recipient will share (you're not both standing in the same line for the same bus/concert/pizza), consider reconsidering&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3726" LastEditorUserId="3726" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T17:03:09.530" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T17:03:09.530" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3017" CreationDate="2017-08-30T21:57:04.913" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I wrote here applies only if you want to compliment someone so much it's like burning you. The best/safest thing to do when meeting a stranger is to leave him/her alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I do when I want to compliment another woman, is to ask first if it's ok for her if I compliment her trousers/hair/style/etc. When I do so, I talk directly to her, especially because I know better than I wish how uncomfortable it is to be yelled across the street that someone wants to f&lt;em&gt;ck your arse (or that you have gorgeous titts, or whatever gross stuff some creeps yell)&lt;/em&gt;. Since I'm myself a woman, I won't come across as possibly dangerous as quickly as a man, so I have an advantage here...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thr strategy to compliment only decisions seems great to me if you feel unsure but really have to make a compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;* since this kind of comments are also catcalling, can I ask you, please, to stop refering to catcalls as &quot;compliments&quot;?&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastEditorUserId="3112" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T22:02:13.167" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T22:02:13.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2897" CreationDate="2017-08-30T21:58:21.020" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depends:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;where you are (work, hot dog stand, public/private school, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;who you are with (your friends/family/colleagues, their friends/family/colleagues)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that a &quot;no&quot; answer can cause division, because the person assumes it is important to you, and that you will now judge him/her for not fitting your criteria. So ask yourself if you really want to sort people into categories and/or groups vs mixing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4678" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T21:58:21.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3016" CreationDate="2017-08-30T22:11:00.570" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know how much I can help, because I feel I'm in similar circumstances. People don't spend time to get to know me as I'm quite reserved and unsociable. The people who do, I sometimes feel, use me a bit but I am scared to seek new connections and feel too far from being able to regain the old ones. It's not that I don't want to spend time with people, I just find myself rather uncomfortable in those situations. But I would suggest to you to push yourself a little more and meet with people at events, family or otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't have to be often at first but gradually you should feel less out of place. I'm starting to go to friends' house parties more often. And I have found that even if you or I were to sit quietly in the corner you would probably find that others who empathise with you and your reclusive nature would freely come sit and talk with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It happens with me a lot. I avoid big groups in new places. And, often through sitting on my own at social events, I become more approachable to those also intimidated by crowds. I generally form stronger friendships through this than I would by staying at home or otherwise throwing myself into crowd (some of the most sociable people I know are also the loneliest). You just need to get the right balance is all, the point where you feel most happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4680" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-30T23:11:10.620" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T23:11:10.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3016" CreationDate="2017-08-30T22:11:36.080" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds as if you're very concerned about your feelings, and not concerned about those of the people around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are more concerned with the obligation you incur when someone gives you a gift rather than the pleasure they will get when you thank them for it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't find it necessary to contact others except when you want. In other words, you want them to be there for you but you don't want to be there for them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't think of strangers as people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You &quot;hate people&quot; when they cry. (Interestingly, you didn't say you hate it when people cry, or that people crying makes you feel uncomfortable.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, that's being self-centered and selfish. Wikihow has an article on &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-Selfish&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to Stop Being Selfish&lt;/a&gt; which you might want to look at. Among the key headings:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Put yourself in someone else's shoes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember that you're not more important than anyone else&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Enjoy giving the spotlight to others&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do favors for your friends just because&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show an interest in people&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Volunteer your time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give up the control&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a big fan of volunteering. It gives you a role where you know the end result is to help someone else without any benefit to yourself. You may also meet people while volunteering - but don't volunteer just to meet people! You want to work on focusing on other people rather than focusing on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4677" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T22:11:36.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="471" CreationDate="2017-08-30T22:17:08.047" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I consider it a sign of my own hard-won maturity that I do not expect everyone to be like me and live by my standards. Bad breath won't kill me (not to mention worse things). I should be really sure that the issue is important before I open my mouth and make it my problem, and possibly make my friend's problem bigger (they might already know and feel bad enough or be depressed)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if this is a friend, you might say, &quot;Hey, your breath is pretty strong. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Does that matter&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;?&quot;, and let them decide. They might be grateful that you had the concern to let them know without parenting them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4678" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T22:17:08.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2115" CreationDate="2017-08-30T22:17:43.633" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It would be best if you had firsthand experience with Muslim friends yourself. If you do have some, you might want to introduce them to Bob. If you don't, find a place in the community where interactions with Muslims are positive, make some friends, and report your experiences to Bob. The reason is, you will be much more credible (to most people) if you have actual experience than if you were trying to &quot;debate&quot; Bob in an intellectual vacuum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you want to make clear to Bob is that his views are limiting your social opportunities and that you don't want to accept such limitations. More to the point, they might not be in his best interest either, because his social chances are similarly &quot;capped.&quot; At one point, you might explain that he shouldn't believe everything that he reads on social media because the people there have axes to grind, that he needs to try it for himself. But you won't be able to get him to do this until you've done it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T09:36:17.867" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T09:36:17.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3025" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3017" CreationDate="2017-08-30T22:22:21.763" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;First and foremost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Catcalls &lt;em&gt;are not&lt;/em&gt; compliments.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Catcalls are the attempt by one person to draw the attention of the other person to them for their own benefit. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/reasons-a-catcall-is-not-a-compliment?utm_term=.qpgV2eGYW#.vuAmVgL1M&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here's a Buzzfeed article that discusses it&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Catcalls are directives — Turn around! Come talk to me! Let me see that smile!— which assume at their most basic level an ownership of the woman being catcalled. These aren't innocuous or playful requests; they are symptoms of entitlement, and messages that women don't deserve control over their own bodies.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By catcalling, harassers insert themselves into the personal space of the harassed: during her commute, her daily jog, her walk to brunch. This puts unwilling women on the defensive on a daily basis, where ignoring the comments isn't seen as an absence of a reaction but instead a transgression, or justification for more verbal assaults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; want the attention of another person and you do not consider how they feel, don't do it, especially if you're male and they're female and you don't know them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, there is a (possibly sizable) group of women who like this - consider it an ego boost... but you are more likely to find that your catcall causes them to be uncomfortable - and why risk it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here's a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.thedailybeast.com/hey-creeps-compliments-are-harassment-too&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Daily Beast article&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Activist group Stop Street Harassment commissioned a national US study of 2,000 participants. The study's findings were disturbing. &quot;The survey found that 65 percent of all women had experienced street harassment. Among all women, 23 percent had been sexually touched, 20 percent had been followed, and 9 percent had been forced to do something sexual.” And we're not even talking about the horribly harassed public life forced on many in the LGBTQ community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Men need to ask themselves some questions before speaking, like:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Why am I telling a woman what I think about her appearance?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Is it an appropriate place to do so?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Is there some kind of rapport that makes it okay to convey this without seeming like a threat?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Women have made their voices heard and, if you care about other people, you’ll take steps to actually make spaces safer—not contribute to environments that make it worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can have the best intentions but still contribute to an environment that makes women feel unsafe. I, and many fellow men, know this because women say so—they write it, they lecture on it, they write books about it. There’s no excuse for men to be ignorant about what women experience. To disregard that for the sake of instant gratification from women’s attention seems morally negligent. To dismiss it as just “boys being boys” only adds more fuel to the fires where animalistic natures are given fresh life, burning away any notions of being a person or an adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when is it OK to compliment someone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a woman, I find it much easier to accept (or at least entertain) compliments from other women (regardless of whether I know them or not) or from men who I know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very rare that I &lt;em&gt;personally&lt;/em&gt; feel comfortable getting complimented by a man but it has happened and usually it's because they've done something like what's in your example and the tone it's spoken in has to convey a level of open honesty that doesn't feel like the person is attempting to get something from me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, once the compliment is shared, don't require anything further from them. Make it brief and quick and walk away. You complimenting them is not an opportunity to get their phone number. The problem with catcalls is that, positive or negative, they request/require a response from the target. A compliment doesn't require anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to let you know that you look amazing today. Have a great day! [exit stage right]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternately, it helps if it's more of a fact-finding compliment than a pure one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I really love that jacket, I think my girlfriend/mom/sister would like it, could you tell me where you got it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These two points sound contradictory but they serve different purposes, so it's different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were having a conversation that turned into a compliment. A ten-minute chat about the book I'm reading on the bus would make me more able to accept a &quot;you have great taste in books&quot; compliment or even a &quot;You look so happy when talking about this book that you love so much&quot;... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel like you need to compliment someone, think about it first. Consider the three points from the Daily Beast article I quoted. Be empathetic and consider things from the receiver's side. And, if you get a negative response, apologize, don't get defensive. You're the one who started the interaction. They don't have to accept your compliment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T07:33:35.783" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T07:33:35.783" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3026" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3017" CreationDate="2017-08-30T22:26:08.050" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say that the time to compliment someone is when they do something that is compliment worthy. Basically, you want to compliment someone for a specific thing, not just to compliment them as a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't compliment someone, particularly a stranger for something trivial. (You have a bit more leeway with people you know better.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you just saw a stranger save someone's life, a compliment from you is certainly in order. Speaking of which, &quot;remoteness&quot; (lack thereof, actually) is also a factor. It's more appropriate to compliment someone for something you actually saw than if you had, say, read about it in the newspapers a few days later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T22:26:08.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2958" CreationDate="2017-08-30T22:31:08.877" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Good for you for asking, but are you judging him, or just confronted?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone in my workplace cafeteria played that game, I'd assume they had some interesting points to make, just like anyone else, except that they bring things up in a different way. There is a lot of diversity in the world and that is not something to fight against, so to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might consider it a challenge, to assume he's no different than me except in habits and methods, and then to learn how to have a conversation with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd try asking Bob questions, about his work, his interests. I think something like, &quot;where did you hear that&quot;, or &quot;why do you think that&quot;, or &quot;how common do you think that is&quot; or anything that asks him to think a little about what he or she is saying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the yelling, I'd consider it a challenge, depending on what my career and life goals were, to see if I could be honest with him, or rational, in order to minimise it. &quot;You're really getting worked up about this, Bob. Politicans drive me nuts too but I try not to let that make me drive all my friends nuts.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point, it's his issue, and it's probably best to just be quiet and let the issue be his.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4678" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T22:31:08.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2897" CreationDate="2017-08-30T22:31:48.723" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In your shoes, I would talk about something that is &quot;particular&quot; to your group and watch the other person's reaction. Does s/he embrace it, or keep a distance from it. Maybe you would try this with two or three different items at different times. A pattern will emerge; the person's posture toward the individual items will be revealing about the posture toward the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was a case where a man named S. Coleman Wyles (the last name had been Anglicized) steadfastly refused to divulge the name behind his initial, except when forced to do so on the witness stand in a court of law. It was Solomon. He may have been from the same group as you, but he was not about to admit it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T22:31:48.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3017" CreationDate="2017-08-30T22:38:41.227" Score="33" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context Matters&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your heuristic analysis is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;somewhat&lt;/em&gt; correct,&lt;/strong&gt; but there are many driving factors here and the current answers don't even &lt;strong&gt;begin&lt;/strong&gt; to cover (except @Catija's) them. It's &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;much safer&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to compliment someone on what they're wearing than to compliment them on their looks. I wouldn't compliment someone on their physical appearance unless I know them or have been speaking to them for a while already. Anyway, let's break this down:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Driving factors to consider&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Age&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;A compliment will be better received from someone in their 20s to another person in their 20s, rather than someone in their 40s complimenting someone in their 20s. (Gender hasn't been taking into account here)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Time of day&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;The later in the day, the less well received the compliment might be. I certainly wouldn't approach someone in the street at around 10 pm, but rather in daylight preferably. (Location hasn't been taken into account).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Are they with people?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;Would you approach someone on their own walking down the street or would you compliment someone with their friends? The latter would be better received (how you compliment i.e. complimenting clothes or looks hasn't been taken into account). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Location&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;Are you approaching these people in a bustling urban area or in a rural part of town with barely anyone around? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Gender&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;This is the biggest factor. It certainly depends on your gender, a man approaching a man, may be better received than a man approaching a woman and vice versa. (no other factors, have been taken into account)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your intentions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;What are your intentions? to instigate conversation? or to simply make their day a little better? The latter would be better received (how you compliment i.e. complimenting clothes or looks hasn't been taken into account). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Race&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;Be wary of what you compliment about the other person. I wouldn't approach a gentleman or woman and compliment them on their dreadlocks, or something to do with their cultural heritage. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Choose your words carefully&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Complimenting their clothing&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can take a couple of approaches with this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a general rule for when/how to compliment a stranger?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A drive by compliment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, this is the approach you should take overall, keep the compliment on clothing, not their physical appearance. You don't know the strangers or their previous experience with other strangers. This can be easily done and easily unheard, too. But it shouldn't matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to do&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ensure they are walking towards you, they need to somewhat be in your line of sight. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Smile before the compliment and you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're rocking that jacket! Keep it up&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep walking! &lt;br/&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What not to do&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cross the street to compliment them (you approaching them can startle anyone)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make any form of contact with them, don't tap them on the shoulder or follow behind. They don't know the compliment is coming and you lose nothing complimenting them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stare at them until you walk past, a simple smile and compliment will suffice. They won't always hear it, but that is life. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A direct compliment which it'll instigate conversation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to do&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ensure they are walking towards you, they need to somewhat be in your line of sight or not rushing around, i.e. on their way to work. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Smile before the compliment and you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Pardon me? Can I just say I love your jacket? Where did you get it from? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gauge reaction and follow through on conversation if they react well &lt;br/&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What not to do&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't overstay your welcome. You're still a stranger.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop them in their tracks. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Same rules as a drive-by compliment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Summary&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have chosen a street compliment mainly for this approach, I have also taken into consideration both genders (be wary of male to female compliments. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/resources/statistics/sshstudies/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;women go through enough as it is&lt;/a&gt;), if they respond negatively just walk away. Approach people in public spaces in the daylight for the best-received compliment. Most of this should be common sense. But those statistics I've just cited, say otherwise. It can make someone's day but it can also ruin someones. Be careful but also, be nice. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;We know you mean well, but a stranger doesn't.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T14:19:47.467" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T14:19:47.467" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3002" CreationDate="2017-08-30T22:46:45.567" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question reminds me of 80% of my arguments with former partners... Mostly joking there, but sadly accurate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: It really irritates me when you X.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: So what you mean is, &quot;I shouldn't XYZ&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: No, what I mean is &quot;It really irritates me when you X.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: So, what about Y and Z?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: Who said anything about Y and Z?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm an aspie too, if that wasn't obvious at this point...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So much of neurotypical communication is implied that many people see implied statements where none were intended, which obviously skews the noise to signal in a lot of interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To deal with this I've, more or less, learned to mimic the speech patterns of the people I communicate with on a regular basis and I generally insist on doing business in print. (I find written communication a lot clearer and less prone to this sort of problem.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to in person communication, I try to acknowledge that all people have this issue from time to time, which takes away some of the frustration. Asking for and offering clarification is a &quot;normal&quot; part of human communication. No need to be overly concerned if the message gets garbled in translation. It happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: You said you like X.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: I did not say I like X.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: Oh, so you don't like X?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: No, I did not say I don't like X. Actually, I like X.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt; (annoyed): But you just said you didn't say that!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt; (apologetic): Sorry, I like X, I just don't remember ever saying that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mimicking speech patterns is helpful, because it helps me to speak the language of the listener a little bit better. Trying to word things the way neurotypical people do takes a lot of listening and practice, but it helps. As does anticipating their next move... Neurotypical people take this verbal chess game for granted, but we usually have to work at it a little bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using your example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: You said you like X.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: I like X well enough, but I don't think I ever said so.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: Oh, maybe I was thinking about someone else.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to people I'm close to, I usually try to explain the mental chess game that's required for me to appear &quot;normal&quot; and how exhausting it can be at times. It seems to help them understand that I'm really trying to communicate well, it's just not as intuitive for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T16:37:39.513" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T16:37:39.513" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3016" CreationDate="2017-08-30T23:07:21.847" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This reminds me so much of me when I was younger (I'm over 50 now). My short answer is that it might help to be reassured that there &lt;strong&gt;are&lt;/strong&gt; reasons for all of this (human emotions are quite scientific and rational, strangely), although it can sometimes take a lot of work to find them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More to the issue, it might be important to be aware that we &lt;strong&gt;all&lt;/strong&gt; have weaknesses and are not perfect. What I hear is you judging yourself for not being successful at relations with others, but I've been helped a lot by realising over the years that no one is perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realise this doesn't address your question directly, but I think there is no way to do things like that &quot;right&quot;. We all struggle with these things, and we all wish it wasn't so darn hard to do things right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, the next-to-most important thing is that you have to like yourself. Keep your good points in mind: principled, well-intentioned, capable, willing, can learn, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line, imho, is that we are alone, together with billions of other alone people. (Many make claims about knowing god, and life-after-death, but if they really believed it, they would not be so hurt when loved ones die.) We can't know what life is, but we have some freedom to &quot;be the candle&quot; before the wind blows us out. You are a miracle - an emotional, biological, living being. Please don't waste time being too critical of yourself and others. No one can avoid making mistake after mistake, but we have the ability to accept that making mistakes is normal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The secret to happiness is compassion, I think, for yourself and everyone. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4678" LastActivityDate="2017-08-30T23:07:21.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3033" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-30T23:50:35.750" Score="22" ViewCount="6345" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, my boss is teaching a class &quot;about transgenders&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boss mentioned at a staff meeting today that she would be teaching a class &quot;about transgenders&quot; at an upcoming industry conference. To be clear, it wasn't like a passing statement between two people that I overheard. It was a part of her statement to the entire staff about the upcoming conference that she would be attending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The word &quot;transgenders&quot; struck me as a little tone deaf, almost as if she said that she would be teaching a class &quot;about blacks&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know she means well, but I strongly suspect that she's out of her element.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess I'm wondering if I should offer to help. I'm by no means an expert, I'm not trans myself, but it seems like I may have some personal experience that she could benefit from. I identify as &lt;em&gt;queer&lt;/em&gt;, I've dated trans people, and I try to be active in the movement for equality. This doesn't mean I know everything there is to know, but I know what I've experienced and heard from my friends and partners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least I feel that I should ask her if she knows any trans people personally that she could run her teaching materials by, before she presents them to a room full of people... Many minority groups are pushing for a sort of &quot;nothing about us without us&quot; stance and I think that could apply here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Am I overreacting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I offer to help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I've worked with my boss for a little over 6 years.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We don't really spend time together outside of working hours, but I did attend one of these industry conferences with her a few years ago. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We've had a pretty good working relationship for as long as I've known her, she tends to listen to and respect my point of view on most things that I've had to approach her about.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;To the best of my knowledge the class will be a sort of sensitivity training, helping people in our industry work with and serve trans people. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The only real reason that I suspect that she's out of her element is the use of the word &quot;transgenders&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have no reason to believe that she is &quot;virtue signaling&quot; she doesn't tend to be outspoken about politics, race, gender, sexuality, or other such issues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(Though personally I find the implication that the only reason someone would speak to these issues is to serve their own ego a little offensive and I think it demonstrates a worldview that is generally wrong. If this is your opinion you're welcome to it, but I'm not interested in answers that focus on this misguided assumption.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-08T21:05:05.663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T21:00:19.117" Title="So, my boss is teaching a class &quot;about transgenders&quot;" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="19" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2019-01-07T15:42:05.463" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3033" CreationDate="2017-08-31T01:18:23.890" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't have experience in this exact scenario, but as someone who has worked/works in offices in the US, and who has experience giving suggestions to authority figures, I think I might have some useful advice here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An office environment is a professional environment. What that means is that people are (or think they are, or want other people to believe they are) professionals, i.e. that they are qualified to do the things they are paid to do. You explain in your question that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My boss mentioned at a staff meeting today that she would be teaching a class &quot;about transgenders&quot; at an upcoming industry conference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that your boss is presenting at an industry conference means that either they got roped into doing something they don't want to do, or that they think they are qualified to present on this issue, and that they were able to convince others that they are qualified. Most likely it is the latter. Professional qualification, or rather the appearance of professional qualification, is important in the workplace: it's how people justify their salaries. Your boss thinks they are professionally qualified to give this presentation, and has convinced others of their professional qualifications. That is a big deal. Suggest that someone is not professionally qualified, and you are suggesting that they do not deserve their job or their salary. People don't like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you say that you don't think your boss is qualified, and that you would like to help your boss. What is your claim to professional qualification here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I guess I'm wondering if I should offer to help. I'm by no means an expert, I'm not trans myself, but it seems like I may have some personal experience that she could benefit from. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me be clear. From what you have told me, it is very likely that you are right and that your boss has no idea what they are doing. But your boss has the appearance of professional qualification. You do not. Knowing a few people is not a persuasive claim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation so far is that you are not qualified, but you know enough to know that your boss is not qualified. But your boss thinks they are qualified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I offer to help? (Or am I overreacting?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not obligated to help or give your boss any sort of advice. Your boss has not asked you for your help. But if you do decide to help, I would not mention that you &quot;strongly suspect that she's out of her depth.&quot; I would also not mention that you think the presentation will go poorly. Your boss thinks that they can do a good job, and since they are your superior they most likely won't want you to tell them otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also not try to persuade your boss to accept your help on the basis of your qualifications or lack of qualifications. As I've mentioned earlier, saying &quot;I'm by no means an expert, I'm not trans myself&quot; is not persuasive. In fact, I wouldn't try to persuade your boss to accept your advice at all. If they find your advice useful they will use it. If they don't want your advice, then because they are your superior they will not be happy if you try to force them to accept your advice. They are your boss, they tell you what to do, not the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do is say something like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I heard you were giving a presentation about the transgender community. I have a few friends who are transgender; if you would find it helpful, I can set up a meeting so they can share their experiences about [x] with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that should be it. If your boss finds your offer helpful, they will accept it. If they don't, they won't appreciate you trying to force your advice on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user288" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T07:29:08.860" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T07:29:08.860" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3017" CreationDate="2017-08-31T03:26:43.867" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;About two years ago, I was struggling with the same thing.  I tried to understand human communication like mathematics.  I wanted to know the rules of how to have a conversation, how to talk to strangers, and how to talk to a teacher.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I searched the internet far and wide, watching lectures and instructional videos.  These resources helped little as I could not perfectly emulate them which made me seem even more &lt;strong&gt;awkward.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing wrong with this picture is that there are simply no rules in communication.  Life is not mathematics, reality, in fact, runs contrary to mathematics.  Mathematics is a perfect world created by humans which has all these clear rules and formulas.  Unfortunately, this universe of perfection is the exact opposite of life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point: Although you can make general rules (heuristics) to better understand complimenting people, like mathematics attempts to explain the natural world, they prove fallacious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;From my experience: Try to act natural and genuine when complimenting.  You cannot fake honesty, so compliment people if you really like something about them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can compliment them about interesting things they are wearing like a foreign watch, a football jersey.  In a professional setting, you can compliment someone about a job they helped you out with or a presentation that you found intriguing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will truly appreciate your genuine response.  Using complimenting as a means to be accepted by people is doomed to fail.  In case you do appreciate something about a person, do not go overboard unless you are very close.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are right, complimenting someone about their body is going to make them feel very insecure and &quot;cornered,&quot; even if it is genuine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4120" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T07:37:08.350" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T07:37:08.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3033" CreationDate="2017-08-31T03:31:02.593" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3035/1919&quot;&gt;Hamlet's answer&lt;/a&gt; is good, but it would be simpler (and easier for her to take you up on; less of a commitment) if you simply mentioned to your boss that you wanted to share some of your personal experiences with her, in case they helped with her class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I heard you say you're going to be giving a presentation on the transgender community during an upcoming conference.  I'd really like to sit with you for a few minutes at some point to share a few personal experiences I've had.  I'm not transgender, but I know some people who are, and I feel that telling you my experiences may help you with your presentation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also mention that if she likes, you could put her in touch with your transgender friends for further questions...but I think it would be better to wait until you've sat with her and shared your experiences before you offer that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're right, she's not taking this presentation very seriously (or doesn't realize what it would entail to take it seriously and only &lt;em&gt;thinks&lt;/em&gt; she is taking it seriously), so an outright offer to put her in touch with your friends for her &lt;em&gt;research&lt;/em&gt; may go down wrong.  Perhaps she's not planning on any research; you don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But she'd probably be willing anyway to hear your experiences as they might influence and help her presentation.  And who knows; perhaps your stories may open her eyes to the reality of the subject so she therefore invests more time in really learning about it to give an accurate, excellent presentation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1919" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T03:31:02.593" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2951" CreationDate="2017-08-31T04:20:20.413" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have already decided on some thoughtful advice, but I thought that perhaps I could offer another possible way to do things.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Disclaimer:  I am in the United States (U S A); I've been to a few other places, but never Deutschland.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself have dealt with a recurring eye injury for some time now; I can see legibly out of one eye at the moment, but who knows about tomorrow?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Furthermore, my condition can be quite painful.  The blurry vision is less of a problem than the pain with any attempt to use my eyes when the condition is at its worst.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways.  One of the things I've learned is that such conditions are only impairments when we compare them to the conditions of others.  At the heart of the matter, they are merely a special set of parameters with which a person must learn to cope.  Everyone does that; sometimes they take for granted a given condition, like the ability to read at 20/20 vision.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;That's where the problem arises, I think.  Think of it another way:  almost nobody misses the inability to detect the direction of odors or the inability to hear a field mouse scratching at dirt from 20 meters distant.  That is because they never noticed the difference between that and their usual condition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is much the same with lack of vision or mobility.  Someone who has never experienced or even contemplated such conditions cannot possibly conceive of such a life; sure, adjusting to the difference can be difficult, and require a bit of help at the outset.  Once you learn the tricks, though, it isn't much different from how most people live their lives:  for example, most of us are unable to directly perceive the ubiquitous cosmic rays that pass through our bodies every hour of every day, for example; as another example, many people nowadays completely dismiss the possibility o unseen, larger dimensions to our universe which has been described in the past as some variation of a spirit world — if you believe in such things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How I do digress and ramble along.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;One possible choice of actions that you could consider is to have a simple and convenient explanation ready for people who insist or seem obligated to treat you as if your blindness cripples you, or renders you invalid.  I would not recommend going through everything I've spewed in these paragraphs, of course.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Here are some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is it because of my blindness?  Really, it isn't a problem for me.  I've learned to live like this, and I am happy and doing well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I appreciate your compassion, but you don't need to feel sorry for me.  Indeed, not being able to see has really opened my eyes to ways of experiencing the world around me in ways that most people go their whole lives and never know.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(Pun intended.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I respect the gesture of goodwill, but I honestly don't need it.  I don't even consider my lack of vision an injury.  I'm no more disabled than you or anyone else; I simply deal with things differently.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You know, I voluntarily exchanged my eyesight for superhuman enhancements to my other senses.  I can wrestle you to the ground for a demonstration if you would like.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(That one was a bad joke.  Don't judge me too harshly, please.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Four examples.  That should be enough to convey the gist.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I strove to make the examples concise and varied.  I hope they don't read as being too hackneyed or cliché.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Does this all sound too melodramatic?  If so, then I hope it can be useful or helpful despite all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In conclusion, it all has to do with your demeanor:  pace and tone of voice — as you well know.  Take care not to give the other person a reason to feel sorrow for you.  If you've had a long and trying day, then you can shorten your responses, of course.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The thing to remember is that there is a chance the person with whom you are interacting genuinely doesn't understand what things are like for you.  They probably aren't meaning to make you uncomfortable:  they simply do not know any better.  That is the whole premise behind my recommendations:  education, one person at a time.  Turn it around and be the one helping them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at the end of all that, this short essay is not helpful, I would like to quote something that someone once said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Disregard, then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T09:05:29.537" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T09:05:29.537" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3017" CreationDate="2017-08-31T04:38:44.493" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot has been covered but I didn't see anything covering what I call &quot;discount&quot; compliments.  These are easy to spot once you understand what I am saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You look great &lt;em&gt;for&lt;/em&gt; just having a baby&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You are in such amazing shape &lt;em&gt;for&lt;/em&gt; your age&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You are really quite good for a novice&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of those compliments &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be given without then adding at the end that the second part. When you add the second part, you then discount the sincerity of the first part because it essentially says something more like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You don't &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; look great, &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt;, since you just had a baby and &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; I take that into account, &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; you do&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If you were young, I'd say you were out of shape, but at your age, I think you are doing great.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You aren't good at this, &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; since you are just starting, you seem to have potential.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ones relating to age actually bother me the most because they are so common. People want to tell me my grandmother looks great for her age often and for many years now.  The fact is, she generally looks great, period.  She looks vibrant, healthy, well put together (it's something she places importance on), and her &lt;em&gt;age&lt;/em&gt; is just that.  It is implied then that people look automatically &lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt; great with age, period.  I just think that is a very unhealthy and weird stance to take. I also know I am &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; alone in this thinking.  I have heard &lt;em&gt;many&lt;/em&gt; women complain about the change over from actual compliments to &quot;for your age&quot; compliments.  No one wants that part tacked on, so it's much nicer to leave it off, and since compliments are &lt;em&gt;supposed to be&lt;/em&gt; about making the other person &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; good by sharing a nice observation you made about them, it's best then to ensure what you said doesn't feel like a back handed insult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do want to add this is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; the same as when someone says she doesn't look her age.  She has never looked her age.  That is a legitimate observation.  I also do not think that is a compliment necessarily though because it's just true.  She is nearing 100 and she has always seemed to manage to look about 15 years younger than she is.  She also has enjoyed great health and she has much more mobility than you would expect out of someone her age.  It does bother me &lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt; when people comment &quot;for her age&quot; now, as now she has outlived most people on life expectancy.  This has been something people have said &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; my life though because she has always been a stunningly beautiful lady, so I have &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; heard comments on how my grandmother &quot;looks&quot;.  That is fine with me, but I have never enjoyed the &quot;for her age&quot; piece, as I too find her gorgeous, but we can leave it at that.  Had she wished for fame she could have given Sophia Lauren a real competition. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T07:35:45.067" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T07:35:45.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3043" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3070" CreationDate="2017-08-31T05:35:13.350" Score="17" ViewCount="11719" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently moved into an older home with fences between my home and my neighbor's home. Based the way the fences are constructed, I believe that they are owned by the neighbors and not myself. One of the fences is in &lt;em&gt;bad&lt;/em&gt; shape - it is rotted and ready to fall down in a year or two, and the part of the fence facing the street and not my house has completely fallen over and is resting on the neighbor's lawn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to get this fence replaced. However, I am not sure how to approach the neighbor because I have never communicated with this neighbor before and I am not generally comfortable with cold introductions. Further, based on the state of the fence and yard in general the neighbor either does not care much about the outside of their house or does not have much money to spend on upkeep (but I do not actually know either of these to be fact).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I have no prior contact with the neighbor and am unsure about their commitment to a good fence or financial ability to contribute to its upkeep, I am not sure how to go about asking about getting it replaced. My proposed options are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(Introduce myself) &quot;It looks like our shared fence is going to fall over in a year or so. Would you be interested in splitting the costs of replacing the fence?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(Introduce myself) &quot;It looks like our shared fence is going to fall over in a year or so. Would it be OK if I have it replaced?&quot; (I would be comfortable covering the costs of replacing the entire fence myself.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My concern with the first approach is that I am essentially putting the neighbor on the spot asking for money, and possibly making them feel bad if they do not want to replace the fence. My concern with the second approach is that it may come across as acting superior if I suggest to pay for the fence myself. Which way is most likely to result in a) not offending the neighbor and b) a new fence?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4692" LastEditorUserId="4692" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T06:40:13.007" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T14:41:25.387" Title="How to ask a neighbor if I can replace our shared fence?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3043" CreationDate="2017-08-31T06:18:06.170" Score="10" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Introduce yourself first&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you said you have no prior contact, I assume you have not yet introduced yourself to them. Things will be less awkward if you introduce yourself &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; asking them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your phrases are good to go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I plan on repairing the other fence soon and was thinking this is a good opportunity to replace our shared fence. Would it be OK if I have it replaced?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And your willingness to cover the entire cost is a good bumper if ever you notice a hesitation when they are answering. I recommend &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; to mention this &lt;strong&gt;up front&lt;/strong&gt;, but save this to assure them when they hesitate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One other way to prevent looking superior is to offer to work on the fence together on weekend, if you have planned to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience on repairing a shared &lt;em&gt;brick&lt;/em&gt; fence, stating that you are ready to do the repair will be less likely to be rejected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I expect the neighbor to share some burden, I always start with my purpose first, and mentioning there's missing material I need to borrow from them. In your case it might go like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I'm planning to repair the fence tomorrow, but it seems I forgot to buy nails/my hammer is missing. Can I borrow some/yours?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T11:24:08.953" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T11:24:08.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3046" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3061" CreationDate="2017-08-31T06:20:30.897" Score="11" ViewCount="5510" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a person I've met at the workplace who I've become interested in since I was introduced to on my first day at work. The development of our relationship was slow due to being in a different department but we eventually got close enough to say that we're friends (she said to me that we're already friends) and go out for lunch with other colleagues as well every now and then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After knowing each other for half a year, she got herself a boyfriend and to save money, she tends to buy a lunch box and eat in the office instead of going out. (Japanese setting)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About a month+ ago, I sort of heard something that she doesn't have a boyfriend now and I have always been thinking about confessing my feelings even when she had a boyfriend but couldn't because I am somewhat of an introvert or a person who doesn't speak much or just a coward who is not courageous enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are both in our 20s (she is 2 years younger than me) and I wonder if it'll be awkward to ask her to meet for a couple of minutes after work to hand her a love confession letter personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has been 3 months since I got moved to another office back in June 2017 so I think I can only ask her to meet me at some train station in the middle of her route going home from work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4700" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T12:31:32.907" LastActivityDate="2021-05-21T14:04:36.400" Title="Love Confession by Personally Handing Over Handwritten Letter" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;japan&gt;&lt;written-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3048" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-31T06:38:21.073" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Understand that when you challenge my &lt;em&gt;beliefs&lt;/em&gt; you are attacking my &lt;em&gt;identity&lt;/em&gt;!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is completely irrelevant if those beliefs are correct or incorrect, rational or irrational, or compatible or incompatible with other beliefs I may hold. If you challenge my beliefs then, emotionally, that is a personal attack on &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/05/alternative-facts.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Why we believe alternative facts&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much of the early research on motivated reasoning showed that people weigh facts differently when those facts are personally threatening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an educated person, you are actually more vulnerable, not less:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;It's almost as though the sophisticated approach to science gives people more tools to curate their own sense of reality,&amp;quot; says Matthew Hornsey, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Queensland who studies the processes that influence people to accept or reject scientific messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Ju-jitsu Persuasion&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... communicators must do a better job at identifying those roots and adjust their persuasion attempts accordingly (American Psychologist, in press). &amp;quot;This is what we call jiu jitsu persuasion: working with people's motivations rather than trying to fight against them,&amp;quot; he says.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;The key question is not ‘Why do they disagree with the science?' but rather, ‘Why do they &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to disagree with the science?'&amp;quot; Hornsey says. (my emphasis)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People communicating the facts often do so with the implication that the target is a bad person at worst, or uneducated at best, Campbell says. But an adversarial approach isn't likely to change minds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a lesson cosmetics companies learned long ago: They figured out they'll sell more lipstick if they promise to enhance a woman's natural beauty rather than tell her she's ugly&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4696" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T06:38:21.073" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3049" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3185" CreationDate="2017-08-31T06:41:28.700" Score="10" ViewCount="1313" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get a lot of strange compliments on my weight and I do not think I have ever been able to sort out an appropriate response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get compliments about my weight (and questions on how I stay so thin or lost weight after babies).  I don't &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; anything specific for weight.  I do try to be &lt;em&gt;healthy&lt;/em&gt; and active, but that is totally about feeling good and having good energy, not about weight and frankly, I don't think it impacts my weight.  I eat more when I am active, and naturally seem to eat less when I am not.  I don't change size much when I am working out or not.  I merely change the way my body feels, moves, posture, etc based on muscle tone.  I am not more likely to get this compliment if I am working out 7 days a week or not working out at all for months and months.  People focus on overall size it seems, not tone.  The truth is it's genes.  Everyone in my family loses baby weight easily, stays thin, etc.  Lifestyle has absolutely nothing to do with my weight, never has, and maybe never will.  It is just genetic luck in my case I believe &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; I happen to have been born a person who loves healthy foods.  My mother says I was the easiest child ever to feed and literally used to beg her to make me a whole pot of Brussels sprouts.  It is really how I prefer to eat for my taste.  I am not some awesome machine of will power.  I love vegetables &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; than sweets even. I don't like people thinking &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; is why (because people do comment if they see me eat that &quot;this explains it&quot;), because I have siblings that eat all fried and greasy and whatever and they are &lt;em&gt;just as&lt;/em&gt; thin as I am and always have been.  I do not think my food choice is &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; I am thin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I say &quot;that is just how it is, I don't do anything&quot; it is met with either total disbelief like I don't &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to tell them the secret, &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; it makes me feel like it comes off as braggy or awkward no matter &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; I say it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if people simply told me I looked good, then that is fine.  I feel no weirdness there.  It's when it worded differently I feel awkward on what to say.  I can give you an example I have heard in various variations that is one I particularly disdain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just wanted to tell you how great you look after having kids.  So many moms today just let themselves go and you look as good as you did before the babies. You took the weight right off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate this because it compliments me on something I actually didn't &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; while insulting the &quot;average mom&quot; which I want no part of.  I simply do not know what to say that makes sense to such a remark in passing. The person saying it also clearly always thinks they are paying me a massive compliment.  I don't feel complimented at all.  I feel like I was used for you to be able to spew out that you have a low opinion of the &quot;average mother these days&quot; and what I &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to do is set you straight that your opinion on my weight is neither valuable nor warranted.  I can tell you I have had this said to me in variations by anyone from teen to elderly and sometimes even other mothers, who themselves placed a high priority to get in shape, which is great for them if it's &lt;em&gt;about them&lt;/em&gt; but not great &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you want to compliment me while calling &quot;other moms&quot; lazy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly I really usually don't reply.  If I am walking, I keep moving.  If I am stuck, like in conversation, I literally just smile and ask if they can excuse me and insert something here like needing to find my kids, spouse, use the bathroom, get home, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; - read the quote.  I do not know how to respond to a compliment about my weight &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; I didn't lose weight on purpose and I don't like how complimenting me gets blurred in with insulting &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; people who are not as thin and I am asking if there is a &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; way to respond to that type of compliment which I actually think is more a &lt;em&gt;comment&lt;/em&gt; versus compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T06:47:52.903" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T01:17:50.690" Title="Appropriate response to compliments that come across as rude?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3046" CreationDate="2017-08-31T06:58:12.223" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have her phone number I would ask her if you can meet to drink something or just talk. If you don't have her phone number try to talk with her when you see her at the train station. Don't confess your feelings at the first meeting. I don't think that this would be a very good idea. Could be a bit awkward for her and maybe even for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that you are more of an introvert person. If you have a problem to confess her your feelings it is easier for you to write a letter. To be honest I think it's better to say that from face to face so you see how she reacts to it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try to ask her if you can meet her after work to just talk a bit or just hang out. Wait a bit until you try to confess her your feelings. After some time your relationship with her gets better and better and then it's way easier for you to tell her everything. If that is always too complicated and too hard for you then try to write a nice letter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3955" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T07:15:29.800" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T07:15:29.800" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3049" CreationDate="2017-08-31T06:58:41.893" Score="7" Body="&lt;h3&gt;I think the people who compliment you mean well, and we should assume good intent.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Complimenting your weight loss doesn't necessarily imply insulting others who couldn't do so. It's only meant to compliment you for the hard work you put into it, albeit it is only their assumption you did so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people struggle to either gain or lose weight. It's only natural to assume that you worked hard to lose your weight. It's quite less common to see people like you who lose or gain weight for other reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's best that you not make it awkward for them, and simply thank them or inform them what the reality is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you, but it wasn't my efforts that got rid of the weight. It was my (reasons in brief).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if they understand you, they will respond with &amp;quot;I see&amp;quot; or something and maybe ask you further questions to know more about your reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;I lost too much weight during my initial hostel days, and some people thought I was working hard to achieve that, but in fact, I was working hard to do the opposite. The food I got from the hostel mess wasn't to my liking and I had no proper meals for many days, merely surviving with snacks and hotel foods. I would mention it to my relatives when they see me, that I didn't lose weight on purpose. And they would be like, &amp;quot;Oh, I didn't realize how difficult it would be for you there.&amp;quot; (I grew up in the Middle East, and it was my first time attending a college in India, and it was difficult to fit in.)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T10:54:18.497" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2970" CreationDate="2017-08-31T07:27:38.913" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't avoid it, instead keep the conversation exactly as you've had it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even in cases like&#xA;&quot;Hi is this Masked Man?&quot;&#xA;Again ask &quot;Who is this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This time you got lucky as it was an old friend of yours but next time it could be a scammer: &#xA;Not a very well known scam but one that terrifies me is all they need is any positive response from you:&#xA;Then:&quot;Is this ...&quot;&#xA;You:&quot;Yes it is ..&quot;&#xA;to put a hefty charge on your phone and then prove that you agreed to it (by of course editing the recording but essentially they have you saying yes to &quot;do you agree to have this charge on your account&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much better to deal with the awkwardness than deal with 20-50$ a month charge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2516" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T07:27:38.913" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3053" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3068" CreationDate="2017-08-31T07:35:16.520" Score="20" ViewCount="11911" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have just got a new car on a lease, so are liable for any repairs that go above and beyond the usual wear and tear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I noticed two deep big scratches within the first week. After the first scratch, I was actively checking the car for scratches, and after the second scratch appeared, I concluded that both scratches were caused by one of the children playing in the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neighbourhood children regularly play in the street. I have seen them play hide and seek and duck behind the car, obviously holding it when they do. They also whizz past on bikes, etc. I know kids are just having fun, and more than likely the scratches are completely accidental, but kids can also just recklessly damage other people's property because they think it's fun. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have to park in the street since our driveway is very narrow. We also parked our previous car in the street, but it had the odd scratch and bump, so it wasn't as easy to notice when a fresh one had been made, nor was it that much of a concern since we owned the car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I try and get the children to take more care?&lt;/strong&gt; I have doubts about whether speaking to the neighbours would be useful or would only create further problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1951" LastEditorUserId="1951" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T12:57:41.400" LastActivityDate="2020-04-28T12:38:02.073" Title="How can I get my neighbour's children to take care not to scratch my car?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3053" CreationDate="2017-08-31T08:11:08.130" Score="15" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Get a car-cover.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know for sure that it was the children, a drunken person stumbling home on a Friday night holds just as much merit. Unless you put up CCTV, you won't ever have sufficient evidence to go to the neighbours for them to believe you, which down the line could create animosity between you both, thus causing extra hassle for yourself (if they believe that the children truly didn't do it). A civil solution before finger pointing at anyone could be to get a tarp or car-cover on the car. It's waterproof (which will help hinder the rust problem), it'll also cover the car in case they do play around it when you're indoors, including &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/214598/cars/5_benefits_of_car_covers__how_can_they_protect_your_investment.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;other benefits&lt;/a&gt;. As @SQB notes in the comments, using a car-cover signals that you value your car and care should be taken around it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If in the future, now you've taken measures to avoid the problem and the children are caught red-handed, approach the neighbours and notify them of what you have just witnessed in a mild manner and if they're reasonable people you can both come up with a viable solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T20:30:22.087" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T20:30:22.087" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1773" CreationDate="2017-08-31T08:39:21.390" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I organise beer fests so when tidying up at 2 a.m. (we call it disposing of the bodies) it's not unusual to find a grown person in a state of distress. Of course if it's a medicinal problem you call the emergency services, but if it's just sadness this is what I do in steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh dear, what's wrong? Is there some way I can help?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Provide handkerchief.&#xA;Pat carefully on back (you never know with alcohol). Don't touch anywhere else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Is there someone I can call?&quot; &quot;Are your friends nearby?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Can I get you a taxi?&quot; (I have even paid for taxis for broke persons.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sits down: &quot;Tell me about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't usually get to the last step but if it does you just have to invest 10 minutes of your life to make someone else's better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The world being the way it is: do not take them into your own car or house. Sorry bout that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:39:21.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-08-31T08:54:52.080" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a number of (laziness-friendly) alternatives available.  Use &lt;strong&gt;ppl&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;peeps&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;y'all&lt;/strong&gt;, or &lt;strong&gt;folk&lt;/strong&gt; as alternatives that don't even go near gender issues.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or there's the perennial (Australian?) &lt;strong&gt;youse&lt;/strong&gt; as in: &quot;C youse l8r&quot;.  Can't get much shorter than that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:  Should have looked through the other answers first. Jack Acne beat me to it, but I added more alternatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3387" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:54:52.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1722" CreationDate="2017-08-31T08:58:49.807" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Oh goodness, this happens to me all the time. Must be something in my face. &#xA;Once an old grandad told me all about his war crimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say, Oh, how awful or whatever is appropriate. When it's over I say, you poor thing. Then we go our separate ways. I never mention it again, not to them and not to anyone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person will be terribly embarrassed if you meet again, but you just say, how are you doing? and leave it at that. After all, it may not even be true (see old grandad above).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though I must add, a woman once told me her life's problems - which were all of her own making - and then stalked me, telling me every day how awful her life was over and again, and accepting no advice. In the end I threw her out of the house and tell her not to come back. I still feel bad about that. but she soon found another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T08:58:49.807" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2991" CreationDate="2017-08-31T09:04:54.323" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;How to deal with it depends on whether you want it to happen again, and that depends on who this family member is to you and your own feelings about what they did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think not asking permission &amp;amp; doing it while you were out are telling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's OK for this person to do it again, thank them and make it clear how grateful you are, so that they feel they have helped you and would feel free to do so in future. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, this is really great - it's so nice to come home to a clean&#xA;  house! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, &lt;strong&gt;be honest&lt;/strong&gt; with them about how you feel, but still thank them - it may ruffle some feathers but thanking them softens the blow a little. This means that they will understand it's not OK, and hopefully desist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for cleaning up. While I appreciate you helping me out, I'm not&#xA;  really comfortable with someone cleaning my house while I'm out. Can you tell me if you think it's out of hand, and I'll deal with it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to feel secure &amp;amp; not violated in your home, so if you need to ask them to back off, do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4709" LastEditorUserId="4709" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T15:10:40.003" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T15:10:40.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3053" CreationDate="2017-08-31T09:21:15.093" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speaking with your neighbours might make things worse. Parents might put it down to &quot;the kids are just playing&quot;, or the kids might decide to intentionally damage your car because you got them into trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to think about loading/unloading the car on the street, but parking it on your driveway when you're not using it (and therefore taking it off the street and away from the kids).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it's more effort, but at least you know it's safe and you're limiting the scope for accidental damage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T09:21:15.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3060" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3067" CreationDate="2017-08-31T10:09:33.983" Score="14" ViewCount="14668" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some days, people at work have interrupted me with menial questions many times a day. I sometimes get irritated to the point of not being able to keep a pleasant face when they say &quot;I'm bothering you a lot today&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kids! One is too many! They wreck havoc in my house, and their parents sometimes say &quot;You must be regretting having us over&quot;. Is it an attempt to apologize, or handle the awkwardness, or something else.. I don't know. But I feel like saying &quot;yes, I do, very much&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sense that the expected response to these half-apologies is &quot;It's ok&quot; but it's not, and I sometimes can't bring myself to say it. How should I respond without sounding excessively rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4711" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T10:11:23.800" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T08:44:25.527" Title="How to respond to &quot;I'm bothering you&quot; when I do think they're bothering me?" Tags="&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3046" CreationDate="2017-08-31T10:18:51.887" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being an introvert is not a problem. I am an introvert. That means that talking with people makes me tired instead of the opposite. While it's true that I became uninterested in other people and quite shy as a consequence, I have currently no issue talking with strangers, even about embarassing stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's because being an introvert only means that social interactions are exhausting, it doesn't make you terrible at these interactions, having poor social skills do. You can develop these skills if you put some effort on it, and if you don't it will always be that hard to interact with people and introvertion won't be a valid excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the issue your question is about, you should first question you intents. Is it about the both of you or only about you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have always been thinking about confessing my feelings even when she had a boyfriend&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You state that you consider her as a friend and that you love her, but at the same time that you had a constant desire to confess to her regardless of her romantic availability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to ask yourself the good questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How do you think she would react to you confessing to her?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How would she react to the particular way of confessing you mentioned?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What do you think you would bring to her that would make your presence as a lover valuable? Why would you be a better match for her than other people?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Among these things, which do you think she already perceives in you and recognize as such?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What difference does it make to you whether she has currently a boyfriend or not?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What would be your reaction if after confessing to her while she is already with someone else, she turns you down?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What would be your reaction if she told you she rejected you because she is already with someone else?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What would be your reaction if she told you she rejected you &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; because she is already with someone else, and that otherwise she would have accepted?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that if you do it seriously, you may find your own answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But for Pete's sake, please, try to not do the letter thing, it's the worst thing. You are basically handing it to a person, who will then read it, taking notice of whatever content you put in it, maybe becoming very embarassed in the process, and then it wil be &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; responsibility to reach you about it. That's even more embarassing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T20:42:32.483" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T20:42:32.483" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3060" CreationDate="2017-08-31T10:21:48.943" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're asking two different questions here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Work&lt;/strong&gt; - I normally adopt a bit of a &quot;look&quot; when this situation turns up which mildly reminds people that it is a bit of a bother.  But you have to suck this up and carry on.  A bit of humour helps enormously&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Kids&lt;/strong&gt; - Respond with &quot;yeah, it was pretty wild - how do you cope?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the second part of that response that's key here.  I don't think anyone can deny that herding kids into good behaviour is nearly impossible, but parents do like to share coping suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you don't convey a feeling of real anger in these situations, you should be ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it's perfectly ok to ask for advice when dealing with kids - you'll get loads of good advice in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T10:21:48.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-08-31T10:22:05.820" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Arguing is about winning the argument. What you're looking to do is not arguing but convincing. Convincing is not something that can be done easily if you're trying to convince someone who is already convinced of the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you swap the positions, consider the chances that they will convince you of their point of view. It doesn't make a difference that you're right and they're wrong, and that the earth really isn't flat. They are convinced the earth is flat and thus they are right to call it flat and you are wrong to call it round.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to go about convincing people, here are a two things to keep in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Figure out what their belief is. In the case of the breeder, I got the impression their conviction was neither that the dog wasn't sick, nor was it that animal and human illnesses do not share similarities. I think their conviction was that western medicine is bogus. Imagine someone arguing with you about the placement of needles if you don't believe in acupuncture - that will not convince you that acupuncture works.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give them time. Few to no people are convinced in the middle of an argument. But a few open minded people go home, think about it overnight, and have learned something by morning.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T10:22:05.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3060" CreationDate="2017-08-31T10:35:10.630" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;At the workplace:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;always be nice and polite.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;keep it professional.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;just tell the person: &lt;em&gt;Do you mind if I go back to you about that later? I'm quite busy at that time. Did you search or have you tried [ A / B / C ]? Would it be fine if [ do X / in Y minutes ]?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This will help them understand you can't deal with this matter right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a menial question, you show them a way to look for the answer by themself, it's helfpul for them (&quot;give a man a fish...&quot;), and deflects in an appropriate manner for a colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;With relatives / friends:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;always be nice and, well... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;deflect: &lt;em&gt;I guess kids are often noisy, playing, moving and running around. It's really tiring sometimes, I wonder how you cope with this all year!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;talk about something else, and/or just ask them if they mind moving to another room, or outside if possible: &lt;em&gt;Yeah! You're right, don't you think we should move to [ another room ] and let them play here?&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This way, they understand that you're really bothered by the noise, but don't want to be rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You neither blame the kids nor the parents, show your understanding, and offer a way out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did I mention: &lt;em&gt;always be nice?&lt;/em&gt; :) &lt;strong&gt;Why?&lt;/strong&gt; Because it's better to keep yourself calm, and be nice, even when people bother you soooo much and you'd rather [ put any mean word / action here ]. This way, you won't get a stomach ulcer early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T15:35:16.370" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T15:35:16.370" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3060" CreationDate="2017-08-31T10:35:50.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is nothing else you can say except &lt;em&gt;no problem&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;it's ok&lt;/em&gt; because saying &lt;em&gt;yes&lt;/em&gt; will definitely sound rude. However, you can cope with this situation with a smile and a proper excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I face this a lot at workplace when people come with their small problems in programming. Though I help them, but sometimes I can't due to the workload. So normally they'd ask me if they are bothering me, seeing me that I am busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I just say with a smile,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's ok. No problem. But here is a thing, this work is really urgent and needs to be completed today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smiling is necessary here, because this will cover the anger/frustration you might have. You can vary the response after &lt;em&gt;no problem&lt;/em&gt; as needed, but show that you're doing some other work and can't help right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case of kids, say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, not at all. They're just kids and having fun. Though it'd be really nice that they don't break things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, say this with a smile and there will, possibly, be no harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also provide them an alternate option in all these cases. For example, you can ask your colleagues to go to person X or ask parents to ask their kids to play in other room, where they won't break anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T10:55:53.587" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T10:55:53.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3066" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-31T10:36:57.193" Score="4" ViewCount="4047" Body="&lt;p&gt;English is not my mother tongue so please be indulgent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my family, we are pretty close to each other. I mean, when I say &quot;family&quot;, it includes aunts, uncles and cousins. With my big sister, we grew up with my cousins and one of our aunts. They were all born in the mid and late 1980s. And here I come, born in 1993.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I am the youngest and the shiest, I was quite often left aside and couldn't build any relationship with them. Plus, I had and still have a rather difficult relationship with my sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was 20, the situation didn't change. They never shared anything with me. They never asked me to go out with them. It's not like they are much older than me. Even when they are talking, when I'm here, no one talks to me. I know I should try to fit in, but whenever I try to give my opinion, it's like I shouldn't, because &quot;I don't know what I'm talking about.&quot; They don't even listen to what I have to say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even now, no one thinks I can think for myself and make my own decisions because everyone sees me as a child who is influenced by everything and everyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have lived by myself and had a job for about two years. And most of them don't. I am not saying that having or not having a job justifies whether you are mature or not. I am just saying that even if I proved that I'm responsible, they do not see me as an adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My relationship with my mother is pretty much the same. She still sees me as her little baby and tries to make me do whatever she wants me to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has a lot of personal problems. And whenever I try to help her, she doesn't consider my advice. But if her friend tells her the exact same thing I did, she thinks about it and says she’s right. It is rather frustrating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I shouldn't care about what they think of me, but I have a pretty low self-esteem, and their rejection doesn't help. In family gatherings, I am always put aside. It has become distressing for me to see them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I make them stop seeing me as a child?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I just ignore the situation, since I cannot make them change their behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 1 : I forgot to mention that we are a Turkish family who lives in France. My mother came here when she was 4.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 2 : I don't know how to say this without sounding rude and arrogant but almost everyone in my family is narrow-minded and never question themselves. For instance, I have been a vegetarian for about two years and they still insult me, saying it's useless and that I am just following a trend. They don't listen to the reasons why I am a vegetarian and discredit me everytime we eat. I am not forcing them to do anything, or annoying them about it. But they keep coming at me. I know it's not the subject, but it was just an example of how intolerant they are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 3 : This topic is not just about my family members seeing me as a child. It is also about them rejecting me for not thinking like them and imposing their way of life on me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4715" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T14:47:24.107" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T22:44:17.613" Title="How do I make people stop seeing me as a child?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;maturity&gt;&lt;turkey&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-09-01T10:45:18.990" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3060" CreationDate="2017-08-31T10:48:04.353" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;A possible reason for these half-apologies is that they are already imagining how you might feel, looking at the situation from your perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To these half-apologies, the nicest thing would be to accept them, as you already noted. But you may add to that by letting them know your side as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work: The coworkers are aware that they're bothering you with their questions, but might not know of another way to go about it. So you can say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm afraid I do not have enough time to answer all your questions. So I hope you limit it to the most important ones. (or) I suggest you ask (whoever is the right person to ask) :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At home: The guests are aware that it's hard to get their kids settled down, and they don't know what else to do about it. They might not be willing to leave their kids back at home for some reasons. So you can say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's understandable. They're kids. I wonder how you manage it at home. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T14:56:40.097" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T14:56:40.097" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3053" CreationDate="2017-08-31T10:52:22.603" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is also dependent on your neighborhood, and the amount of contact you have with your neighbors. I come from one where there is a lot of talking, and I know at least 15 of my neighbors by name. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my neighborhood, there are also cars parked on the street, since there are no private driveways. And it is also a quiet neighborhood, so as a kid I played in the streets a lot, and there are still very often children playing in the street. What would happen when one of our neighbors thought somebody had damaged something/was bothered by a particular behavior was a two-step process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step was (and still is) always to confront the kids themselves, at the moment they were doing 'the wrong thing'. Just tell them the truth, that your car is parked there because you can not put the baby in it if it is in your driveway, and that you noticed some scratches you can't explain. But now you noticed they are playing very near your car and would they please remember that cars are expensive and not to damage yours. Always remember to stay calm, and avoid an accusatory tone of voice. The kids are just playing, and are probably not even noticing that their behavior might (have) cause(d) damage to your car. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second step is to inform the parents when the kids are clearly not listening to you and your request. Just tell them what you asked their kids, and ask them if they could try to work with their kids so your car does not get more scratches. As always, be careful to be respectful, use a respectful tone of voice. Ask the parent to parent, do not go there telling them how they should parent. Asking them to punish their kids, or directly accusing their kids of the having made the scratches that are there already will probably do more harm than good. Same as above: Explain that you noticed their kids playing in the vicinity of your car, and that you noticed some scratches. You asked their kids to not play so near to your car again, but have seen no improvement, and would they please talk to their kids about it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also explain to them that with your baby, it is not really feasible for you to have your car in the driveway at all times. A great first step for you to take would be to park in your driveway whenever it is possible, this may create a certain amount of goodwill with your neighbors. It shows that you are willing to use your driveway whenever possible, and adds value to your argument that you can not always use it because of the baby.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I come from, it is definitely OK to go and have a talk with the parents, but only after you have tried to explain to the kids yourself. This might be different in other neighborhoods and cultures. But a respectful conversation with neighbors should in my experience never make an issue worse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T05:15:05.530" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T05:15:05.530" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3066" CreationDate="2017-08-31T10:53:45.977" Score="1" Body="&lt;h3&gt;It does not matter what they think about you.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make yourself so much capable that they must walk to you to seek your attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself felt that for a good amount of time in my life so far and hence I advice you how you can start to matter!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They probably see you as an average guy who doesn't have anything new to bring to the table or they see you as an introvert&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Couple of advice for you to try -&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make your personality very presentable. Iron your clothes, Shave daily, take a bath in a tidy way etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Please bring some positivity in your attitude/attire/speech&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Greet your family with asking for their well-being often and share yours (Engage in a healthy dialogue)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you gift/reward the ones which treat you the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Those who you wanted to play with or you wanted to mingle with or to join their clan, meet them with a smile and start with &amp;quot;Why do you hate me so much?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you are giving attention, give equal attention to everyone around!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Please keep in touch with your like-age family continuously with whom you have to grow old in your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is more but I hope these are a few pointers which will work for you for a start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please let us know how it goes in your day to day life after you make these changes. Good Luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4714" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T11:08:42.793" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3043" CreationDate="2017-08-31T11:25:19.117" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to be able to talk about this sort of thing with the neighbours. To that end, you need to meet the neighbours. That means the neighbours on both sides (if you have them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good way to introduce yourself is to invite them over for tea and cake. (Or coffee and cake, seeing as you're in the US not the UK). I'd suggest ring their doorbell and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, I'm Seth and I've recently moved in next door. I'd like to meet the neighbours, so I'm doing tea and cake tomorrow about 4pm if you're free?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will need to judge whether to bring up the fence issue when they're over having tea and cake, or whether to do it another time (which could be over tea and cake again, or when you bump into them on the driveway). I'd suggest wording along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, {neighbour's name}, I was hoping to talk about the fence. I'm not sure whose responsibility its upkeep is, but I was thinking about replacing it, if that's ok with you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few key points in this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Denying knowledge of who's responsible for the fence. This means you're not immediately putting them on the backfoot by saying &quot;the fence is your responsibility&quot; and implying that they've not done what they should have&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saying you were thinking of replacing it, and therefore not suggesting you're expecting any financial contribution from them. This works seeing as you said you were happy to pay for all of it. And again it attempts not to put them on the backfoot, by making it clear you're not asking them for money.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="430" LastEditorUserId="430" LastEditDate="2018-06-14T14:48:05.457" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T14:48:05.457" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3066" CreationDate="2017-08-31T11:48:47.797" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was recently in such a situation, not with family but with groups of player in some sort of massive game with a huge community. I was that guy you see from time to time and don't even greet because &quot;eh who cares who's that buddy ?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Was not listened. Was not consulted. Was somehow bullied. Here is what I can tell you from my experience :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not do anything with them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do whatever you want on your own, try to build a new relationship, and diverge from that group who refused you to join. Do not obey their orders anymore, do as you please. By that I don't mean &quot;do everything wrong&quot; but just &quot;don't be their valet anymore&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some time they will realize that small insignificant buddy they didn't want to be part of their group is now interesting: because he is different, he is doing stuff, denying the authority of others by not complying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will need to fly on your own, to not rely on your family (I guess it's already the case somehow) and do good things. It is a matter of time before they react. Because people can't stand idle while someone they thought was useless, irrelevant, and obedient is now the captain of his soul, and is no more playing by their rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Told like that it may sound negative, but it isn't. It also means people in your family that are not happy with how social things are done might definitely see you as a new friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Also there's something to definitely avoid&lt;/strong&gt;: and it is to be pissed against your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since they're not considering you as someone responsible, trying to be cocky, or act with anger will only make them look down upon you, changing in their mind some righteous anger due to them treating you as a child, as some kind of childish tantrum.... while it is not. I could definitely understand why someone would be really pissed if I was to be condescending and paternalistic with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try to stay calm, do not meddle in their affairs, do your own stuff and things will most likely change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, your family seems toxic about you, so do you really want to be noticed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the last part, you said you are vegetarian and people in your family are coming recklessly to talk about it with you. Looks like some bullying attitude to me and I don't know any good advice about it, except to suffer in silence and do not mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever they will start considering you as an adult with his opinion I think you could try to reply and debate, but before that, it will do you no good. There are plenty of subjects on this stack explaining how to do it with short stuff like &quot;Okay cool. Next topic then.&quot; By not feeding the bully you will avoid unpleasant conversations I guess. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2150" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T12:29:21.943" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T12:29:21.943" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2991" CreationDate="2017-08-31T12:25:04.150" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said yourself that things haven't been easy lately, now if this person knew this, I'd figure it was them trying to help out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be grateful, thank them, but maybe drop a comment that it was a little disconcerting, or confusing when you found the whole house had been cleaned. This should hopefully let them know that it was a bit odd for them to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="387" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T12:25:04.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3046" CreationDate="2017-08-31T12:31:08.440" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being an introvert, you prefer to write how you feel. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, &lt;strong&gt;a love letter could make things awkward early in a friendship.&lt;/strong&gt; You are just friends who haven't been alone with each other yet. You don't know how she feels about you, do you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She may only see you as a friend. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She may like you but is shy. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She may be seeing someone else&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She may not want to be in a relationship right now&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You won't know until you get to know her better. If you are already friends (does that mean you have her phone number?),  do you feel comfortable asking her out on a date? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says yes, that might mean she likes you and wants to get to know you better but if she says no, as disappointing as it might be, it should still be less awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very sweet of you to want to hand her a love letter but imagine how much more romantic it will be if you wait for when the time is right and when you have already gone out on a few dates and she has shown that she likes you a lot, too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T13:26:05.640" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T13:26:05.640" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3075" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3076" CreationDate="2017-08-31T12:42:58.100" Score="26" ViewCount="10115" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, I find myself in a conversation with people who can't speak English (or some other language) with standard pronunciation. Of course, not everyone has good speaking skills to begin with, and I believe it's more of an issue with my hearing than everything else. Moreover, I don't want to discourage anyone from learning a new language by making remarks about their skills. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when I have a decent understanding of the interlocutor's native language, I feel like the conversation evolves more naturally if they use it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, I've just helped a French tourist get around my hometown. While I couldn't understand her strongly accented English, the conversation went smoothly as soon as she started speaking French to me. I can't speak French, so I just answered her questions in English, making it a bilingual conversation. Due to the circumstances - we were at the subway, plus she's a stranger I'm unlikely to ever see again -, I was able to say &quot;I'm sorry, but I cannot understand your English, can we try French, please?&quot;, but this sounds like a rude way to start talking to people I must see on a daily basis. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In another example, one of my best friends' wife is Peruvian and I struggle to have a talk with her in any language other than Spanish. Having been living here for several years, she has a decent vocabulary and most people get along with her just fine (in fact, she's lovely). Yet, whenever we're talking using the local language, I seem to miss about 20% of what she's saying and I don't have the courage to tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I politely get someone to talk to me in an understandable manner, without making them feel like it's their fault somehow?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm ok with little white lies, as long as it doesn't discourage them from keeping on trying. I do feel like this is more of an issue with me than the other person, but saying this out loud sounds like I'm just trying to call them out politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="128" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T12:50:08.953" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T11:58:38.537" Title="Asking someone to use their native language without being rude" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3075" CreationDate="2017-08-31T12:50:26.777" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's what I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You speak [whatever language]? How lucky I am! I love learning new languages. Do you mind if we try speaking in [whatever language]? Would be great for me if I could practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Helped me maaany times (and I guess that you really do love learning languages, so nothing bad is done there). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been expatriated in Hungary for the last six months and I live with German pals. My German accent is terrible but listening to them was so beneficial I can almost understand everything they say. Moreover, people tend to think that learning languages is difficult and that you're doing them a &quot;favor&quot; asking them to speak in their mother tongue so I guess very few people will be shocked by your demand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T14:58:22.093" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T14:58:22.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3075" CreationDate="2017-08-31T12:53:31.090" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say the thing is they probably do want to learn English, so may not want to go to their native language. So having them speak it will help that. If someone is not a native speaker don't be afraid to say to them something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could you repeat that a bit more slowly/clearly? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need a reason you could add &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm a little hard of hearing &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or ask for clarification on what they mean. Like say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you mean 'this'?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people who are learning a foreign language like to know when they've not got something quite right and won't be offended as they actually want to be able to speak the language properly not just have people pretend they understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4518" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T11:58:38.537" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T11:58:38.537" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3075" CreationDate="2017-08-31T12:58:29.527" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;A non-judgemental way of doing this might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you prefer to speak in French instead?  I really need the practice...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, you can share experiences of language barriers and hopefully go on to helping one another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really speak any other language than English, but I'd be mindful of not reminding people of how bad their English is...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T12:58:29.527" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="429" CreationDate="2017-08-31T13:07:39.137" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can always say &lt;em&gt;&quot;what's it called?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and follow up with words similar to what you want. Even native speakers do this, eventually everyone will forget a word or another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some cultures, you can also &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.quora.com/Why-do-people-snap-their-fingers-when-something-is-on-the-tip-of-their-tongue&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;snap your fingers rhythmically&lt;/a&gt; to let people know you are searching for a certain word. It makes the pause become less awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="128" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T13:07:39.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3060" CreationDate="2017-08-31T13:57:42.100" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Remember that polite fictions are still fictitious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone is interrupting your work with mundanities and the notice that they're irritating you is time for such a fiction:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: &quot;I'm bothering you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: &quot;Eh I'm in the middle of a thorny situation and it's messing with my head. Let's try this again later when I'm not so distracted.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this may or may not be literally true: you may have been happily working away when they interrupted you. The important thing is that you took ownership of your feelings by mentioning that it's your problem that your working on and your head that's full of distraction allowing the other party to save face and not feel blamed for your response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the kids at your house thing, well, you I assume you invited them. Or maybe it was the parents, but that's a package deal. Again, you are going to have to give an excuse for grumpiness that makes it clear you are owning your feelings:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: &quot;Our kids seem to be bothering you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: &quot;Oh it's not them I'm just irritated about unrelated issue x&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unlike the above one this is not so much a polite fiction as an out-and-out lie: and you'd better have a credible issue x to talk about if they ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last note, these excuses only work if you don't over-use them. Everybody decent will be willing to cut you some slack for being a grouch from time to time as your life follows the ups and downs that all lives do, they will be less willing to maintain a relationship with you if you are a constant grumpy mess even if they're the ones causing you to be that way. Maybe especially if they are the ones causing you to be that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4233" LastEditorUserId="4233" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T14:03:29.220" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T14:03:29.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3017" CreationDate="2017-08-31T14:59:27.767" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like to call out to random strangers in the street and compliment them... IF:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's non-sexual, not any kind of a come-on or flirt, so essentially avoid complimenting clothing that's revealing or tight, etc,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want or expect a response from them, other than to make 'em smile,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's something they did through choice (in your original question, and a good point),&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;they aren't obviously focused on something else,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the thing I noticed about them is far outside social norms, such as hair colorful enough to catch the eye of everyone on the street, showed that etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A compliment in this context is a reward for bravery - a reward for shaking off social norms and kicking ass while doing it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no need, no call, no point, no useful outcome, to complimenting a stranger for being normal. &quot;Nice hat&quot; for a regular hat? No point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a hat that you noticed a mile off? Hell yeah! For jeans with Thomas the Tank Engine patches all over them? Definitely!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4288" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T14:59:27.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3082" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3060" CreationDate="2017-08-31T15:10:58.737" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is hard to tell in your work situation if the person interrupting you actually needs to or if they are in fact simply exploiting your assistance.  if they need your help, then you have to simply find the most workable compromise &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; that is possible, like asking them to write down the questions, drop you an email and them wait on a response.  If they do not &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to interrupt you at all, but merely are prioritizing their want to know over your work, then that should be addressed.  I have had both types of situations.  There are people that for some reason will bother you with minute things all day long if you permit it.  I don't know if they just want to interact and are looking for reasons or so insecure they need constant reassurance, all I know is that it needs a boundary for there to be harmony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say something like this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not so much that you are a bother, it's that I struggle with&#xA;  maintaining my train of thought when interrupted, especially so&#xA;  frequently and it is impacting my productivity.  Is there another way&#xA;  we can handle your questions that interrupts my flow less frequently,&#xA;  like perhaps an email or making a list so that we can go over several&#xA;  things at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as the kid portion, you state &quot;one is too many&quot; which sounds like you don't really like kids, or at least in your space.  I would absolutely suggest you &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; have them over then.  You can visit the parents at their own home or meet in public spaces.  As a parent there is nothing I like less than visiting places that aren't child friendly.  It stresses me out, it causes me to have to do a ton of correcting of my kids that they aren't loving (like asking them not to touch this or that, usually with total lack of &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; they &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do, so they are bored and antsy).  It would be better for everyone then if you avoid that situation as it's seldom anything you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to do.  There are usually very pleasant ways around it like meeting at a park or something else.  It also means you can visit with the parents far better anyway, as they can focus more on talking to you versus peeling their little one off climbing your bookcase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is some situation where I have a parents apologizing on behalf of their child, even if I do find it stressful or irritating, I simply say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Meh, they are kids.  The good news is it only last 18 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then laugh. Two year olds are wild, three year olds cry because they asked for crackers and you gave them crackers they refused, then you ate the crackers they wanted.  They make no sense.  They do &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; grow out of it though and we were all kids once ourselves and likely &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; as irrational and irritating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T15:10:58.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3083" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3413" CreationDate="2017-08-31T15:56:17.480" Score="0" ViewCount="578" Body="&lt;p&gt;My InLaws are very predisposed towards dismissing new ideas, I find it very difficult to discuss new ideas or suggestions with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A suggestion is usually met with stubbornness, refusal, sometimes outright hostility &amp;amp; scorn, without the idea being properly considered. The subject becomes more and more controversial &amp;amp; hostile until we drop it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The refusal is also usually backed up by spurious justifications made up on the spot, which are then stuck to rigidly the longer the conversation goes on for (they are often ridiculous and patently untrue).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: I was thinking that it might be simpler for you to order groceries&#xA;  online rather than trekking into town this week, considering [recent&#xA;  injury]. Or we could do the run for you, what do you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;InLaws&lt;/strong&gt;: Absolutely not, nope, no thanks, it's fine, we'll do it, we'll manage,&#xA;  you don't know what to get, you have to get in before 11AM to get the good veg because otherwise they throw them out [not true]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: I understand we don't normally do it but I'm sure I could write a list&#xA;  of what you need to get and I'll be happy to be there before 11AM if that's important&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;InLaws&lt;/strong&gt;: Nope, &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;strong&gt;thank&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;, we'll manage, it needs done properly, you won't get there in time with the traffic, your car won't do it ,&#xA;   no [again, not true, also silly]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(this time both of them joining in for the &quot;no&quot; parts)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This pattern is used every time an idea that comes from the outside is considered, and it isn't limited to accepting help. How could I introduce a new idea to people who are pre-disposed towards dismissing it, in a way that gets them to properly consider what I've said? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Located in the UK. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4709" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T02:12:53.557" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T02:12:53.557" Title="How can I get through to my close-minded elderly relatives?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3075" CreationDate="2017-08-31T16:01:09.197" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It happens typically in an environment, where your native language matches the language of the region, but his/her doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am living in a country with a different and hard language as my own since years, and I already faced this problem from the other side many times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What they feel, if you ask their native language: &lt;em&gt;fear&lt;/em&gt;. The fear that their language skills are too low. Most of them &lt;em&gt;have no clear way to know, how his/her pronunciation and spelling sounds for you&lt;/em&gt;. They have only the feedbacks of the native speakers to determine that. And they also know, many of them are so polite, that they hide the sad truth. The result is that only the negative feedbacks are believable for them. However, they need the feedbacks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, if you ask this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What is your native language?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then they understand this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You poor man, I can't understand a single word what you say. What is your native language? Maybe I am better on it as you are on English/German/Spanish.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes this question sounds as a polished form of &lt;em&gt;&quot;What is your nationality?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; what may be also a sensitive topic for ones (which is irrational in my opinion, but so is it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I experienced is that many native speakers want to switch from his language, only because they want &lt;em&gt;train themselves on yours&lt;/em&gt;. It is the best possible outcome for you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If (s)he is in the lucky position that his/her native language is useful for you, then (s)he can help/train you and reward the many tolerance what (s)he got from the native speakers already.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it isn't, even in this case is it the best possible outcome for you, that you checked if there is a way for a little language training.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking them to talk understandable, that you can't. It is because they give already their best (if they wouldn't, it is highly impolite/rude thing from them!). If they concentrate more, maybe it can help a little bit, but not more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to make it looking as if &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; would want to find a way to tune &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; foreign language skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2998" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T11:58:16.253" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T11:58:16.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3086" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-31T16:47:06.717" Score="10" ViewCount="3601" Body="&lt;p&gt;Inspired by this question: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2699/how-to-avoid-being-seen-as-a-cash-cow-by-my-family&quot;&gt;How to avoid being seen as a cash cow by my family?&lt;/a&gt;, I wanted to ask how my own situation should be handled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are not rich, but also not poor. My sister has two little children, has less money, but still is no way poor. My grandma has only one son, my father, of whom we are the only children, and a lot of savings. She has a really great heart and always gives a little bit money when we're visiting, but she wants to keep her savings, because shes extremely afraid of getting incapable to live on her own. By german law, maids etc.get paid by her savings - and when used up it gets paid by her child, my father. This is extremely expensive. She wants to avoid that at all costs, therefore looking carefully for her money.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really respect my grandma for this way of thinking. And I think I'm still getting enough of that pie she has saved by all those little givings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But not so my sister. Whenever we have some family party she starts to complain about financial problems, which, imo, she does not have. Always somethings going wrong for her, it seems. One time it's a broken car, next time the laundry machine, next time whatever. Oh and because of this and that we really can't go to that holiday the children were so happy of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She never complains like this, when my grandma's not near. She tells about all those broken things, yes, but never ever mentions she's in financial problems because of it. She, too, spends lot of imo senseless things, like tattoos, ever new fishes for the pond (which will die soon enough) or fitness studio, which my grandma would never spend her savings for. But still, when she hears about the children being not able to go to that holiday they were so happy of, she gives her money. It's not that it's riches she's getting. 200 € here, 300 € there. Plus the regular givings for each visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally I would tell my grandma not to be stupid. But my grandma has always been fair for the two of us. That means, no matter what, I'm getting the exact same amount of money, though I never asked for it. So I take profit of maybe 2000-3000 € per year just for being my sister's sister. Only the money for a new car I don't get - she wants to give it to me as soon as I buy a new one, too. I don't know how much money this will be, as my sister broke so many cars by buying always old, but rather expensive cars and all those gifts to her have summed up. My grandma even urges me to finally buy a new car so she can give me that sum, too. I will certainly not do that, as long as my current car is still able to crawl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when we visit my grandma, my husband jokes before arriving, now we'll see how bad the financial situation of your sister currently is - just on the amount of money we will get.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel pretty bad taking all that money I think I have no right on. So how would you proceed? Should I talk to them? Would you react in &quot;public&quot; on such a family happening or rather look for some privacy to talk? Should I tell my sister to stop? What would you tell her? Would you tell my grandma?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&#xA;As proposed in the comments, I edited my question. You are right, I should not ask for opinions - people will either way tell me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And another edit to clarify the role of my father in this little game of my sister's... I know my grandma and my father really well. They would never start to talk about such things to me. But as far as I can interpret their silent communications when my sister starts complaining, is that my father thinks the same way I do and already told her. The way she looks at my father in such situations is like &quot;but how should I tell her?&quot;. This is only interpretation, but what I know for sure is that sometimes my father jumps in, preventing my grandma from paying by paying himself. Same point in fairness - he's a second cash cow I'm milking unintentionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And no, grandma is definitely not dement. I really know her well. For an old woman of 78 she could not be any fitter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, also my grandpa is still living. In such situations he simply closes his eyes pretending to sleep - seemingly avoiding any discussions with my grandma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in short, everyone is looking away, pretending not to notice to avoid any discussions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4751" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T10:23:09.620" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T10:23:09.620" Title="How should I handle disagreeing with my sisters cash cow milking?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-08-31T20:00:20.890" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3087" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-31T16:57:26.930" Score="18" ViewCount="2494" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My living situation is as follows: I live in a two-story house with my mother and no one else. Our Bedrooms are upstairs, together with a small bathroom without a toilet. The toilet is downstairs. We live in the middle class of a first world country. I'm a 16-year-old girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom has to use the bathroom almost every night, but she is, in her own words &amp;quot;too lazy to go downstairs&amp;quot;. So she goes to the upstairs bathroom, empties the bowl with our showering supplies and reliefs herself in it. When I get up in the morning to take a shower she is still sleeping and the entire place will smell of the bowl. It is a four square meter bathroom so the bowl is always forced up into my personal space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She sometimes forgets to remove it, so when I come home from school and go to the bathroom to eg. wash my hands, the bowl will stand there in all of its at this point 12-hour old glory. When she cleans it, she just empties the bowl, rinses some water through it and puts our showering supplies back in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her (not very compassionately) that I find it disgusting and unhygienic and that we need to find another way to solve this. She said that, as mentioned, she's too lazy to go downstairs and I shouldn't be such a squeamish baby and just bring it down and pour it away myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually, she bought a bowl with a lid, but guess what - She says she's too lazy to put the lid on cause she just wants to go to bed again after she relieved herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get her to use the bathroom? Or how do I not have to share a bathroom with a bowl of loo? This probably includes the consecutive question &amp;quot;How do I convince a person to do something if they deem everything inconvenient and inconvenience as enough reason to not change? eg. I can't convince her to use the bathtub and rinse it away cause it's not so convenient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;I'm in Germany, and the cultural context is just the German one (no religion, no immigration background). It is definitely unacceptable in our culture. This is not a joke/trolling question and while I have an account on Stack Exchange I don't want this question to be related to my account.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4753" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T00:18:50.610" Title="How do I get my mother to use the bathroom?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3087" CreationDate="2017-08-31T17:24:53.900" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn't so much an interpersonal skills answer as a common sense one, but maybe there's enough overlap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I get her to use the bathroom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't, unless there's something you have that she wants, and it would be so valuable to her that she'd be willing to navigate the stairs for it. This route necessitates negotiation and compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have that? It could be: money (do you pay rent? Would you withhold it?), transportation (do you drive your mother around? Would you stop?), time (Does she cook? Does she hate it? Would you be willing to cook several times per week or on weekends if she stops this behavior?), etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly &lt;em&gt;respect&lt;/em&gt; is not a bargaining chip for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to physically aim to make the whole thing less distasteful. Examples: Put a spray bottle of plain bleach in the bathroom. Ask her to spray her bowl with a few squirts of bleach after she rinses it. If a spray bottle is too hard, a squirt bottle is easier. She might even be able to substitute the squirt bottle for the rinse, so no extra steps involved. Or, scrubbing the bowl every morning might inhibit a biofilm from forming which hastens the growth of bacteria in the residual urine in the bowl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternately you can get her a &quot;potty chair&quot; or basin for her room, or ask her to keep the bowl in her own room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boundaries. Are you upset enough about this to find alternate accommodations? Boundaries are hard to set if you have no significant consequence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, I would suggest that &lt;strong&gt;she might be depressed&lt;/strong&gt;. Fatigue and ignoring hygiene  are common signs of depression. Can you make a convincing and caring case for her to see her doctor? That might get the ball rolling in the right direction for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T18:21:26.017" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T18:21:26.017" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="536" CreationDate="2017-08-31T17:39:56.777" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes it would have been incredibly rude to insist that someone who is paying to have a place to stay, so that they have a constant controlled environment to rest, go find somewhere else the night before a big test, just so that you can do something with a visitor.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The primary purpose of being at the university is to get an education.  Education related activities should always come first.  While I understand why you would be upset that your plans with your LDR had to be changed, it is your responsibility to figure that out.  While it is not inappropriate to ask for a night for your self of your roommate, if they tell you no it is still their room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the question were asked how could the roommate make it right, having had to change plans with short notice, I would suggest chipping in for a motel room or something similar so that they could have a night to themselves.  But I would not feel that the roommate were required to do that, or that you had the right to expect or ask that of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastEditorUserId="56" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T19:20:09.360" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T19:20:09.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3091" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3087" CreationDate="2017-08-31T17:44:05.503" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best I can offer is agree with her.  Generally agreeing with the person &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt; helps them be more accommodating to your request.  So you could say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know I shouldn't be so squeamish.  I can't seem to get past it&#xA;  though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then if she really wants the convenience with minimal change I could offer a suggestion that you probably won't find ideal, but perhaps &lt;em&gt;better&lt;/em&gt; than now.  They do make lids meant to fit buckets that are &lt;em&gt;actual&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.amazon.de/tragbarer-Toiletteneimer-grau-schwarz-tragbares-Nachtstuhl/dp/B00KK1LQIO&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;toilet seats&lt;/a&gt;.  They also make bags you line them with and then you fill the bucket with kitty litter or even saw dust and you can shake it to cover any exposed wetness.  These are often used where I live for cabins and places that have no indoor toilet.  You could also see if she may be willing to keep that in her own room if having out is an issue for space, but it will get rid of smell and such. These should &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; be used for excrement as that is not something you should be placing in trash, ever, due to sanitation laws. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; people that live totally with just a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.diyhousebuilding.com/bucket-toilets.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;bucket toilet&lt;/a&gt;, so there &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; ways it can be done that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; make you far less grossed out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not think it's likely you would get her to agree to stopping entirely, so I was hoping perhaps if I showed you an option it might be a compromise you could see if she was open to.  I think being her child is likely to also be a disadvantage in such a situation as she doesn't &lt;em&gt;have to&lt;/em&gt; try to accommodate you.  If it were a roommate you would have more influence perhaps, or at least be old enough to move out if they wouldn't stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T17:44:05.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3092" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-31T17:56:51.027" Score="18" ViewCount="2124" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often meet people who do not natively speak my language (German) but are learning it and would love to practice it by speaking German to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;General Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I talk in a slight dialect (Norddeutsch), speak very fast and often kind of unclear. Even other Germans occasionally have a hard time understanding me. I usually say just that - &quot;I'm sorry, but [insert what I just said]&quot;. They usually suggest to try it anyways, I agree and as soon as I realize they don't understand my normal German, I switch to a forcibly slow, clear and accent free speech - often still with no success. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is incredibly excruciating for me, not at least because I'm insecure about the whole not being understood thing in general. (Especially my dad treats it very rudely, I might tell him and his girlfriend a story and when I'm finished he'd just look at &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; and ask &quot;Didya get any of that?&quot; which makes me very self-conscious about this, but that's a whole different story.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I then again suggest conversing in English, the other person usually responds with &quot;Oh no, it's fine, I can do it!&quot; and I'm just thinking &quot;Yeah but &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; can't&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cases&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In one extreme case, I had an online friend who was learning German and he got so angry with me always giving up speaking my native language that it contributed to the end of the friendship. Apparently, even if I say that the problem is on my side and my insecurities it's still taken in offence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other times I have these situations with people, besides online, would be while doing sports. I do Parkour, where often international people come to check it out - they might be refugees that are just learning German or transfer students from literally anywhere. Besides conversation content, it usually goes as described above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I politely tell someone that I do not want to practice my native language with them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4754" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T18:49:17.513" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T20:02:26.853" Title="How do I decline conversation in my native language?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3093" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3096" CreationDate="2017-08-31T18:10:41.943" Score="8" ViewCount="1185" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a smaller startup (about 30 people). We rent an office space in an affluent neighborhood. The office has a very small (3ft x 3ft) &amp;quot;atrium&amp;quot; between the outer door and our office door. We do not share the atrium with anyone else; it is exclusively used to enter our office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The outer door is not locked, the inner one is. A key pass is required to enter, or there's a buzzer set up for guests to request access.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a junior member of the company and have taken it upon myself to answer the door (my coworkers/bosses are quite happy with this arrangement as it means they do not need to be disturbed). I get the mail, accept deliveries, and unfortunately also have to navigate what visitors to let in and which to turn away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The TL;DR of my question is:&lt;/strong&gt; What can I &lt;strong&gt;politely&lt;/strong&gt; say to people who show up at the door to get them to promptly state their purpose so that I can tell whether to greet them warmly and invite them in (for potential sponsors, friends of employees, interviewees, etc), or refuse entry (cold callers / door-to-door salesmen, etc)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;More Details:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I must open the door to be able to talk to visitors. The office door is alarmed and can only be held open for up to 90 seconds before the alarm is triggered. This cuts my time to screen visitors down into a very tight window.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to the open concept nature of our office letting them in the door gives them easy access to all of the office (there is a very wide, very open &amp;quot;hallway&amp;quot; into the main room, with lots of glass-fronted conference rooms and offices lining it. Aka zero privacy). I don't feel comfortable letting people in prior to establishing motive because if they're a salesman it makes it a lot harder to get rid of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're on a commercial road and our name implies that we're somewhat medically inclined. Because of these factors, we get a LOT of people coming by trying to sell us products or services. It falls on me, to quickly explain that we're not interested and politely turn them away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We also get a lot of foot traffic from potential sponsors, interviewees, friends of employees and other people it is in my best interests to be unfailingly polite and welcoming to. However, I am often not aware they are dropping by and can't verify their legitimacy until they name-drop someone in the company that they're here to visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often end up with a dialog like the below;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Hello! (polite smile)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Good afternoon, how are you today?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Fine thanks, and you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Great, thank you. (If I'm lucky they might also add &amp;quot;My name is Bob Smith&amp;quot; like that should mean something)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(sometimes salesmen will quickly launch into a speech here but more often than not the visitor will attempt to step forward into the doorframe, expecting me to let them in. I stand my ground and it's off-putting for both parties)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: ... What can I do for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: I'm here to meet with X. (or) I'm with Y company selling Z.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then I can let them in / turn them away. etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was always taught not to give my name out because it encourages solicitors, but I also find that a lot of the interviewees try to be chummy and ask for names so I can't use that as a barometer, and then my first interaction with a potential new employee is me giving out my name so reluctantly it's like I'm giving away my firstborn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I basically have a 90-second window to a) exchange polite greetings and b) figure out why they're there, all while being polite-but-firm to potential solicitors without coming across as rude to guests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a professional assistant and I have zero experience as a greeter. I imagine there's a simpler/more effective way to run this dialog which is why I'm reaching out here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4407" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T11:11:21.747" Title="How to quickly greet and identify visitors at work?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1981" CreationDate="2017-08-31T18:18:33.087" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Throwing another perspecive into the mix - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once had an issue with a person who complained I got too close to her (being a girl myself, so not sexual) - the problem was that she always spoke very quietly, almost whispering in noisy areas (such as the cafeteria!). She'd push me away to have more personal space, keep talking and I wouldn't understand a word, so I'd lean in again by reflex, causing her to get mad. When I told her that I'm sorry but can't understand her cause she speaks so quietly she was nothing but offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could volume (either yours our theirs) be a problem? And therefore a solution?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4754" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T13:19:41.687" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T13:19:41.687" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3095" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3482" CreationDate="2017-08-31T18:25:55.790" Score="18" ViewCount="2854" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Kindly excuse the long question because you need a lot of background details in order to provide good answers here. I did add the India tag but feel that this is not necessarily a culture-specific problem in these modern times.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My 18 year old cousin who is in high school is expected to devote most of his time to studies in this 'crucial year before college', and his parents strictly regulate online time to 'avoid distraction', which is why he is not active on Stack Exchange and cannot ask this question himself here.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had only a very limited and passing experience of this problem when I was in high school myself, many years ago now, but my young cousin age 18 is currently facing this challenging situation which is rather common in India and maybe in other countries worldwide:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to get more co-operation from this Physics teacher who discourages students from asking questions to clear their conceptual confusion?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Facts of the case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My cousin is 18 years old and studying in Class XII (highest level before graduating from high school in India) in a reputed school here in South India.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He took 'Science without Biology' group (Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, Computer Science, English) which is an advanced course preparing students for future studies in Engineering and computers. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is studious and sincere but only an average student in his class and has found the textbooks to be of a difficultly high standard. He just barely passed the 'previous year' in the same group (called Class XI which is the first of 2 years with this course combination). However the teachers who taught him that year were supportive and allowed him to ask many questions in the class itself, as is typically allowed in India so he could clear his confusion and managed to pass the first year.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This year he is being taught by all the same teachers &lt;strong&gt;except Physics&lt;/strong&gt; because the earlier teacher left and was replaced by a newly transferred-in teacher with good qualifications and 8 years experience teaching Physics at this level.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Problem: this Physics teacher does not appreciate students asking questions to clear their confusion (usage note on Indian English: such questions are called &lt;strong&gt;doubts&lt;/strong&gt; here.) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whether in class or in the Physics lab between classes, my cousin says that the teacher is not lazy or hostile -- he gives thorough lessons and notes, but simply does not answer the questions posed by students. As in, his answer is likely to be very short and irrelevant, and the teacher quickly passes to the next point. If a student persists with the 'doubt' the teacher will tell him to ask later but is not available later to be asked again. This attitude is probably not specific to my cousin's doubts alone, but not many other students tend to ask their doubts anyway. In one notable instance, the teacher said to my cousin:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why you are asking so many doubts? See these others are not asking like that. You really don't understand these topics? Please study your notes I am giving to you.  (this syntax is common in Indian English.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The teacher is also very reserved and not at all a good communicator inside or outside the class, though obviously competent in his subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;7&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is a big problem for my cousin because Physics is very much a concept-oriented subject and he got used to asking the earlier teacher his doubts to get conceptual clarification. Indeed he has been good at asking such doubts on behalf of the group, and used to get good response from all teachers.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My cousin depends on the teaching he gets from school because it is a reputed school and neither he nor his father believe in after-hours private coaching from third-party teachers. Nor can he get into such a tuition centre now because the school year started in July and students will not be taken after August 1st.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being very frank with the teacher and asking for a proper treatment of his doubts is not easy in the power-equation that exists in Indian schools because teachers are much more powerful than students and tend to see it as a criticism of their abilities.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For the same reason my cousin does not want to expand the problem by bringing in other students/ parents/ other teachers/ the school principal: since much critical teaching and learning must be completed amicably by February 2018, antagonizing the teacher would be disastrous.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Why can't I give him good suggestions myself, based on my own experience with teachers in the same subjects in Indian schools?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is because I used to be a leading student in my class and had relatively few conceptual doubts, which however were well clarified kindly by most teachers. I also had the most wonderful Physics-master in a private coaching center, and scored stratospherically in Physics as a result, though I lost touch with the subject long back.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short I have had no personal experience of my cousin's specific problem and not much insight at all into the special diplomacy needed to deal with a teacher who discourages questions. &lt;strong&gt;That is why I need help from the very clever, sympathetic and eminently sensible people at Interpersonal.SE!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Post script&lt;/strong&gt;: I had a kind and brilliant but very abstracted mathematics teacher myself in class XI -- this was 22 years ago; that teacher was always 'in his own world' and could not even 'hear' your doubt, let alone answer it. Our mathematics class went rapidly downhill as a result and my private coaching class was also (for me) a disaster. I don't remember how I reached class XII. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T05:59:09.103" LastActivityDate="2021-01-06T14:59:30.510" Title="How to get more co-operation from a teacher who discourages a student from asking questions to clear his confusion?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3096" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3093" CreationDate="2017-08-31T18:31:01.903" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the past year, I was in the same situation as you. I volunteered because my desk was closest to the entrance of the office. You could save the pleasantries until you've found out more about their intentions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start the dialog with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello there! what can I do for you today? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They would then state their business. Which is an indicator of where you want the conversation to go, if it's a refusal, you could then turn them away, but if they're not. Start with the pleasantries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's great if you would follow me. How are you doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;it's also a good conversation builder for when they're following you to wherever they need to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By this point, if the office supplies this and you have the extra time. You could offer them a tea or coffee, whilst they wait. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a small mixture in what you're currently doing makes it prompt and also polite whilst giving you the information before any awkward silences. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T18:36:16.387" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T18:36:16.387" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3097" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3115" CreationDate="2017-08-31T18:33:38.653" Score="100" ViewCount="25730" Body="&lt;p&gt;My parents have been divorced for roughly 40 years.  The separation was unpleasant, as divorces frequently are, but so were the following decades.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have not spoken to each other outside of a handful of words during my wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were courtroom fights, in-person fights, and everything in between.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father has announced (not asked) that he will be driving halfway across the country to visit with me and my family (by which I mean my wife and son).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The plot twist:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will be traveling with an old friend of my mother's.  He has stated that the two of them would like to have dinner with my family, my mother, and my mother's husband.  &lt;strong&gt;He has asked me not to tell my mother&lt;/strong&gt;, as the mutual friend (someone that my mother has not seen in more than 40 years) wants to surprise her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no reason to believe my mother would not be interested in seeing this friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have &lt;strong&gt;every&lt;/strong&gt; reason to believe that she would want to avoid having to see my father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is probably worth noting that my father has no empathy (and yes, this means he almost certainly has a personality disorder).  I mean that in the most literal sense: he seems fundamentally incapable of seeing anything from someone else's perspective.  As such, he cannot imagine that anyone that he is interested in spending time with would not be equally interested in spending time with him.  Despite the decades of bitter fighting between him and my mother, it hasn't occurred to him in the slightest that she would be anything other than thrilled to see him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I tell her, and she says &quot;no&quot; (which seems almost guaranteed), my father will blame me (for telling her, and possibly for sabotaging what he imagines will be a pleasant and social reunion).  If I don't tell her, I run the risk of her blaming me for being part of this (and possibly wind up sitting through an incredibly awkward dinner).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do I say to my mother?  What do I say to my father?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T18:49:52.007" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T08:42:39.030" Title="I have been asked to keep a secret about a surprise that I believe will end poorly" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;divorce&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3086" CreationDate="2017-08-31T18:38:06.153" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you describe the situation, your sister is systematically inducing your grandmother to give her money for luxuries.  And then, to be fair, your grandmother gives you an equal amount. Neither your sister nor you need this money for necessities.  Your grandmother may or may not be able to afford her generosity in the long run.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this were the US, and your grandmother eventually needed to move to assisted living or a skilled nursing facility or a memory unit (for Alzheimer's), plan on 50,000 to 100,000 USD per year.  Or more. The US Government program &lt;em&gt;Medicaid&lt;/em&gt; would pay only after your grandmother's assets went close to zero. Being on Medicaid is not ideal.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your specific question is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is my behavior seen as morally OK?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are on shaky ground, morally, unless you are &lt;strong&gt;certain&lt;/strong&gt; that your grandmother's savings and income will cover prolonged expenses of the sort I have mentioned above &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; you are &lt;strong&gt;certain&lt;/strong&gt; that she is managing her money wisely, apart from her susceptibility to your sister's sob-stories.  Of course, nothing is 100% certain, but you should know a lot more than you have conveyed to us before you spend 2,000 to 3,000 euros a year in extra money from your grandmother.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest two things, the first of which is entirely up to you; the second requires cooperation from at least your father.     &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) Put all the money you get as a result of your sister's &quot;financial problems&quot; into a separate account that you never touch for yourself.  You reserve this account for your grandmother's needs.  If, years down the road, she has no need for this money, you will have saved a goodly amount, which you can feel free to use as you wish.  Do not reduce the amount you save because of this extra money; the extra money is your grandmother's, not yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) Discuss your concerns about your grandmother's long-term finances and her susceptibility to sob stories with your father and your sister. Are you certain that she is not giving money to other people with sob-stories; that is, are you certain she does not have dementia?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If eventually the &quot;escrow money&quot; has to go to help your grandmother, you will have done far more for your grandmother than your sister did.  Can you and your husband do this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, there are people for whom 3,000 euros a year every year for decades is peanuts.  If your grandmother is one of those lucky people, you can enjoy the money with a clear conscience.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T19:32:14.977" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T19:32:14.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="775" CreationDate="2017-08-31T18:43:49.260" Score="35" Body="&lt;h3&gt;OP here, with an update:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost six weeks have passed now. The problem is going to resolve itself for me, but not in a very satisfying way. I am switching customers while continuing work for the same company, and I will soon be taking a different/no train each day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were some suggestions of trying to make other small talk. I notified the male from church, and tried this for about a week. That week was no fun at all! So in this case, that definitely did not work. But I really liked the idea, and I afterwards was very glad I tried it first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I kicked aside all my nerves, and asked three complete strangers if they were just as bothered by this as me. I bonded together with three other females, we exchanged phone numbers and devised a plan of attack. We made some video of the bad behaviour, and started reporting every incident via twitter (private messages) to the train's customer service.&#xA;We went again to his parents, and showed them the video. They were quite shocked. We left some video material with them, and they promised to confront their son about it and get more help for him. I felt bad about this the whole time, but am glad afterwards glad I started doing something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are completely ignoring him if he is talking in the silence carriage, and one of us leaves to get train personnel, explains the situation on the way and we always succeeded in having him removed.&#xA;Ignoring him seems to be helping more than telling him to shut up, sometimes he now even leaves when we threaten to stand up. (He still curses and makes empty threats all the way while leaving though). He is also still not able to just leave us alone, or to start a conversation in a normal way/about a normal topic. We have agreed to stand together, greet when he greets, but not react any further if he behaves inappropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have not involved the police as yet, since his parents promised to get him more help. In six weeks, we have seen very minor improvements. His aggressive behaviour seems a little bit less aggressive. I agreed with my new three friends to go have drinks some where a few weeks after my new job starts, so we can discuss if it is needed to go the police. If necessary, that will sadly have to be our next step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T19:32:29.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-08-31T19:03:07.237" Score="156" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not have divorced parents, but I have had to juggle situations where two co-workers that hated each other were using me. In the end, I found out that the simplest way to resolve the problem was to remove myself from the equation. You can not make things right between your parents, just as I could not make things right between my co-workers. You can however prevent becoming a part of the problem, or being caught in-between the two. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do allow your father and his friend to visit you, your wife and son. But simply state that you can not, and will not give a surprise dinner where both he and your mom are present, since you think that a very bad idea given how things went at your wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So he gets to choose: you either inform mom before the event takes place, so she can refuse if she wants, or you are refusing him from having the dinner right here and now. For the mutual friend, you could tell your mom: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;so-and-so is coming with dad as well, that's one of the reasons he wants this dinner&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;dad is bringing a mystery guest, a person he would like you to meet&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;not mention the mutual friend at all. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might even let your dad pick his choice. Whatever you choose to do, make sure your dad knows you are going to tell your mom, and that he knows exactly what you are going to tell your mom, otherwise dinner is not going to happen. And make sure your mom knows that in no way she should feel obliged to come to this dinner.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T05:08:13.897" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T05:08:13.897" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3092" CreationDate="2017-08-31T19:22:44.760" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe this could be useful.  I have a friend who teaches language, several of them, and has lived in several countries while doing so.  He teaches at a college level, so people often assume he &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to speak with them, help them, etc.  He instead says he is a bit tired of it as he does it all the time (saying this to me).  So what I have observed him doing is simply to apologize and simply assert he would really rather not right now.  He is simply trying to relax and doing so requires more concentration on the conversation than he finds enjoyable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it makes sense.  I think people often assume that &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; he does this for a living he wants to do this all of the time.  If I had never met him, I may make that mistake too if I met someone like him.  I think it is perfectly reasonable to not want to do that and you should not feel bad to say so.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T06:12:54.437" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T06:12:54.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3103" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-08-31T19:42:27.663" Score="5" ViewCount="611" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just met a person in the elevator at work, and he seemed friendly enough and seemed to strike up a friendly conversation with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it okay if I ask what his name is in this short conversation so that I can say &quot;Hi&quot; the next time I meet him?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a bit confused because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It would be the third or fourth sentence in the whole conversation &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't know how to actually ask the question without sounding abrupt &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[PS: I am not an American or a native English speaker]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4762" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:32:05.400" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:32:05.400" Title="In the US, is it polite to ask someone's name whom I just met in the elevator at work?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-04-19T10:50:35.947" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3103" CreationDate="2017-08-31T20:02:33.953" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;That would absolutely be okay, especially if you're already conversing with the person.  An easy way to approach the subject would be to say something to the effect of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My name is X by the way, what's yours?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you've already introduced yourself, it's fine just to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4764" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-08-31T20:05:47.973" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T20:05:47.973" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3103" CreationDate="2017-08-31T21:06:06.227" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Of course, introduce yourself first:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By the way, I'm Jane. I work in... and do...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then let the other person take the initiative to introduce themselves or not. If they do, problem solved. If not, you should respect their privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially in a business setting, people are often where they need to be, not where they want to be. So I would not presume a social situation automatically exists, and the other person might not either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T21:06:06.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3108" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3092" CreationDate="2017-08-31T21:59:55.290" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure but, based on what you've said, I might recommend slightly different phrasing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I talk in a slight dialect (Norddeutsch), speak very fast and often kind of unclear. Even other Germans occasionally have a hard time understanding me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this makes sense as a reason for you to not want to talk in German with non-native speakers, people with low empathy may not understand from this explanation that it is &lt;em&gt;uncomfortable&lt;/em&gt; for you and you want to avoid that discomfort. People might interpret this as an expression of concern for the inconvenience you might cause to your &lt;em&gt;conversation partner,&lt;/em&gt; and then think &amp;quot;Oh, I am good at listening, he shouldn't be concerned on my behalf&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say that the problem is on my side and my insecurities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes self-deprecation can work as a conversational strategy, but I think in this case it is a problem because it de-legitimizes your preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Introduce it as a preference, and if people push for an explanation, say it is because you feel self-conscious about your pronunciation&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend trying to express explicitly that you &lt;em&gt;prefer&lt;/em&gt; to talk in another language when possible: speaking in German is uncomfortable for you because of your dialect (you could even say something like &amp;quot;I have a slight speech impediment in German&amp;quot; if you think that is a reasonably accurate way of describing it). I think this is a valid preference and hopefully phrasing it this way will help people realize that it is rude to disrespect it (unfortunately, rude people do exist, so some people might push you anyway). Perhaps something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Actually, &lt;strong&gt;speaking in German is stressful for me because I feel self-conscious about my dialect and pronunciation.&lt;/strong&gt; I prefer to speak in English.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you should bring up the issue of your speech being hard to understand—that gives people an opportunity to contradict you by arguing that they understand German as well as a native speaker, or stuff like that. To make it clear that this is about you and not them, don't say things that could be interpreted as assumptions about their abilities. (Even if these assumptions are probably correct.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone keeps pressing you and you want to give some more explanation, I would still try to avoid talking about how your speech is fast and difficult to understand. I think it might work better instead to mention your father's rudeness (if you don't find it too personal to share; you could also just say &amp;quot;people&amp;quot; to make it a bit more generic); also, a bit of self-deprecation of the &amp;quot;I know it sounds weird, but it's true&amp;quot; variety might work here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I know it sounds weird, but my father has/people have made rude remarks about my pronunciation in German, and because of this I really feel more comfortable speaking in English.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Could you speak in English while the other person speaks in German?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if you've tried this already, but it is possible to have a conversation where each person speaks a different language. If you don't mind &lt;em&gt;listening&lt;/em&gt; to non-native speakers' German, you could add on something like &amp;quot;...but I don't mind if you reply in German to practice your speaking skills.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4768" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T05:49:11.430" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-08-31T22:29:04.223" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Situations involving people like this are difficult.  If someone cannot see the world from your perspective, but truly believes that you should see it from their perspective, all interactions with that person will fall outside of social norms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first question I would ask you is what sort of responses is your dad used to receiving to such plans.  This &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; be the first time your dad has come up with a poor-empathy plan that someone needed to shoot down.  He must have some way for his friends (if he has any) to let him know that this is not a wise plan.  This will help you understand how to push back at him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Uphold social contracts with those who can uphold them with you.  You and your mother apparently have a more normal relationship, which includes social contracts.  If you believe this surprise would be detrimental to her then act on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on who your mother is, and your relationship with her, you may be able to confide in her without causing her to explode like an uncontrolled rocket.  Then you two, together, can strive to find a way to minimize the damage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One simple and elegant approach is to choose not to be home at the time.  Plan a vacation.  Go see relatives.  Your father, in choosing to keep this secret from your mother, also cannot possibly expect your mother to have planned around his (secret) schedule.  If she &lt;em&gt;just happened to&lt;/em&gt; plan a vacation on the days he's in town, he has no rational reason to be angry at her.  If he gets angry at you for not trying to talk her down from those dates, you simply explain that you were told to keep it a secret, and that you couldn't convince her to change the dates without spilling the beans.  This, of course, isn't even a lie.  It's true -- the omission is that you weren't trying very hard to dissuade her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, of course, is only a valid solution if you two would benefit from such a vacation.  If it's a bad time, you'd have to come up with another solution.  Each dysfunctional relationship is dysfunctional in its own way, so you and your mother would need to work together to find the functional way to resolve this issue &lt;em&gt;for your particular family&lt;/em&gt;.  If you have a pattern of simply challenging him directly, do that.  If you have a pattern of deflecting, do that.  If you have a pattern of relying on other family members to help convey the message, do that.  Whatever has worked in the past should be on the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T11:55:37.097" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T11:55:37.097" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3066" CreationDate="2017-08-31T22:44:17.613" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a partial solution which you can use alongside any of the other answers you receive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe one of the signs that one is mature is the ability to take criticism about one's maturity, and calmly keep moving forward without having to return the hostilities.  You are free to agree with me or disagree with me, but this belief has some curious pragmatic benefits.  If you do believe this, then the fact that you are upset by your family is a sign that you are not as mature as you think you are.  This should lead you to the question &quot;what am I going to about it,&quot; and lead you towards using some of that negative energy in a positive way to try to increase your own maturity by getting better at taking this kind of criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I say this is a pragmatic belief is because it leads to one of two outcomes.  One is that your parents &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; believe that this ability to take criticism is a sign of maturity, and you will actually be working towards receiving the respect of your family.  The other possibility is that your parents don't agree with this idea, in which case you will be slowly building the skills you need to rebuff their insults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, whether or not this belief is true, you will accomplish your goal.  Either you will no longer be seen as a child, or you will develop the mindset which is no longer bothered by your family seeing you as a child.  You win either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T22:44:17.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2719" CreationDate="2017-08-31T23:01:27.350" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The protocol I was raised with is a bit different from all of the others so far: the callee speaks immediately, but does not have to identify themselves.  Instead they identify their location.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As &quot;Moreno residence, may I ask who is calling?&quot; or &quot;Company X, can I help you?&quot;.  Also acceptable is the phone number &quot;You have reached  555-1234, who's calling&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically the callee speaks to clarify that the call has succeeded, but does not admit to any particular identity. This gives the caller the opportunity realize they have the wrong number without identifying the selves. If the caller refuses to identify themselves, the callee should just hang up.  No explanation, no additional questions (other than asking who they are again/a different way) or answers, just hang up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="470" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T23:01:27.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3017" CreationDate="2017-08-31T23:42:52.330" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The simplest rule is: don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you have no ulterior motive, the receiver of the compliment cannot know that, and will often defensively assume that you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given this, consider the motivation for offering the compliment: even if you're genuinely just wanting to make someone feel good, the risk of making them feel objectified, stalked or harassed should overrule your generous impulse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4774" LastActivityDate="2017-08-31T23:42:52.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-09-01T00:33:16.657" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;What's the right thing to do in your heart of hearts? In the place where you're protected from the anger and expectations of others, the place where if everything was honest and good and you are free to do what you &lt;em&gt;believe to be the right thing&lt;/em&gt;, what would you do? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer is based on the possibly completely wrong assumption that your father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's not necessarily as bad as it sounds. People with NPD can be charming, funny, fun to be with people. Or they can be very difficult. Or both. There are actually five subtypes of NPD in the DSM-5, and how a narcissist behaves depends on the specific group they're in. So. Take this with whatever caveat is applicable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because interpersonal skills with a person who cannot relate to other people in an empathetic manner don't matter, I'm not going to navigate a fine line. Setting boundaries won't work. Sincere conversations won't work. Explanations won't work, so advising this tack would be, well, in my opinion bad advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your father has NPD, this is what I would recommend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your father doesn't understand boundaries. He has probably &lt;em&gt;heard&lt;/em&gt; your mom's wish not to interact with him, but he doesn't believe it's really what she wants, because, as you stated so well, he can't imagine that what he wants isn't the same thing as what someone else wants. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, he only sees the world from his own emotional perspective; in his world, no one else &lt;em&gt;really exists&lt;/em&gt; independently of him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Children, spouses, friends, lovers - those closest to the Narcissist - are not considered individuals in their own right by the Narcissist - &lt;a href=&quot;http://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;but rather extensions&lt;/a&gt; or, in the worst cases, the property of the Narcissist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is very painful to people who depend emotionally on him in any significant way in a long term relationship. Your mother decided to end this pain by cutting off contact unless it was absolutely necessary or for your benefit (your wedding.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell your mother.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother (if you are close, distant, or somewhere near the middle), but wherever you are, she has suffered enough, and if you care about her (or you wouldn't be asking), let her nip this thing in the bud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your father will blame you, yes, and there will be no reasoning with him, because Narcissists are never wrong. But he put you in a &lt;a href=&quot;http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/no-win-situations-and-lose-lose-scenarios&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;no win situation&lt;/a&gt;. That's totally about him, and not at all about you. If you tell yourself that and believe it, his blame will not affect you as much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you recognize that you are being presented with a “no-win” or a “lose-lose” type of scenario by a person with a Personality Disorder, it is helpful to understand that the source of the conflict and anguish is their own mental health, not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe you are doing the right thing by protecting your mother. If he can't or won't understand that, that's his problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him for the future that he should never - &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; - put you in the middle of your mother and him, that you will never allow it. That might not solve anything for the future, but at least you can say you warned him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still wants to visit, and you still want to see him, that's great. Work out whatever suits the two of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I have additional training and certification in mental illness and substance abuse and ran a clinic for same for almost three years. Also, I've lived with two people with NPD (one was my father) and have had up-close and personal, painful experiences with them. From a clinical viewpoint, they are fascinating people to observe and I have a special interest in NPD. &lt;strong&gt;Please&lt;/strong&gt; feel free to DV and comment if this is off track.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T15:38:44.177" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T15:38:44.177" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3116" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1326" CreationDate="2017-09-01T00:37:41.063" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to know what they mean, so I'm a bit confused.  I'm wondering if the expression itself annoys you, and whether or not that is part of the issue.  Perhaps you're looking for a response that says &quot;Don't use that expression with me, please.&quot;  Personally, I get a little annoyed with overly-used or recent-slang type expressions.  Since it annoys me, I usually throw something annoying back to indicate my annoyance.  If the conversation is in English, you could respond with something like &quot;We're not in the Valley, girl!&quot; or perhaps you could pretend that you interpreted the comment literally, responding with &quot;Fine!  If you don't want to hear my story, just tell me next time.&quot;  That one won't win you any friends, but it might discourage using annoying expressions and slang with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the conversation is in Dutch (I didn't know this obnoxious expression had crossed over), I suppose you could say something like &quot;Dat is de olifantastiche lekker smaak, ja?&quot; to invoke confusion, or just something simple like &quot;Ik ben uitspraaken.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4564" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T00:37:41.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3117" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3118" CreationDate="2017-09-01T00:42:29.703" Score="26" ViewCount="4169" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an openly gay teenager who lives in the UK. I recently came out to one of my childhood friends, after having very positive responses from my current friend group and people my age. However, that friend wasn't as accepting as most people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About a week after I told him, he started acting very cold towards me, ignoring me when I tried to talk to him and not acknowledging my presence. I know a lot of people would advise cutting my losses, so to speak, and stop being friends with him, but we've been friends since toddler age, and I don't think that he's actually a homophobe, just that he doesn't know how to react properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the week between me coming out and this behaviour starting, I didn't guess that anything like this would happen, and things were normal until about a week after I came out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've asked around my other friends and responses range from &quot;Just leave him, he's not worth it&quot; to &quot;Talk to him about it&quot;. I really don't know what to do, and really don't want to lose a dear friend. I've also tried to mention it to his parents, but, since I came out, I've been around to his house a lot &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; less and haven't really had the chance. Any thoughts? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4775" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T12:25:19.910" Title="My friend doesn't react well to my sexuality" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3117" CreationDate="2017-09-01T01:19:46.027" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=5tE_CQAAQBAJ&amp;amp;pg=PT312&amp;amp;lpg=PT312&amp;amp;dq=my%20friend%20didn%27t%20react%20well%20to%20me%20coming%20out&amp;amp;source=bl&amp;amp;ots=-7j9yynNCC&amp;amp;sig=OsLmaNrycrEb5wto8fekD1a9_-U&amp;amp;hl=en&amp;amp;sa=X&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwjTz-vL4oLWAhUrJcAKHRL7BXMQ6AEIODAD#v=onepage&amp;amp;q&amp;amp;f=false&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Our Sexuality&lt;/a&gt;&quot; written by Robert L. Crooks and Karla Baur offers some clear cut guidelines to coming out to your friends (and a whole lot of advice on coming out in general), I'd like to take you to page 272 (chapter 9), points 5 and 6. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Guidelines for coming out to friends&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;5&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Rely on patience&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Remember that you are telling your friend something &lt;strong&gt;he or she has not had a chance to prepare for, whereas you have had a lot of time to prepare&lt;/strong&gt;. Many people are surprised, shocked, and confused and need some time to ask think or ask questions. &lt;strong&gt;An initial negative reaction does not necessarily mean the friend will not accept it&lt;/strong&gt;. If a friend reacts negatively but shows respect, stay and talk things over. Sympathize with his or her shock and confusion: &quot;I can see this new upsets you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(&lt;em&gt;emphasis mine&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Control your anger&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If the person becomes hostile or insulting, politely end the meeting: &quot;I'm sorry you aren't accepting my news well, and it's best for me to go now.&quot; Don't give your friend a real reason to be mad at you for being mean or rude or flying off the handle. As you come out to people, you will find that some are not able or willing to maintain their friendship with you. With others, letting them know you more fully will allow the meaning and closeness in the relationship to grow. &lt;strong&gt;Over time you will create a network of friends with whom you can enjoy the freedom of being your full self&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(&lt;em&gt;emphasis mine&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With your current situation, I think both points apply heavily. Be patient with your friend, give them some time to process this news they've heard about someone they've known for so long, don't put any pressure on them (by talking to their parents as an example) and if they need space, provide it. If they don't come around and eventually act negatively towards your offering of friendship. Simply get up and walk away. There are people out there who will love you for who you are and by the looks of it, you already have a good support network around you with your other friends. It's a hard pill to swallow, but, it's just another obstacle life throws at you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T12:25:19.910" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T12:25:19.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3117" CreationDate="2017-09-01T01:34:13.427" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would talk to him about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people respond a little strangely when their friends &quot;come out&quot; even if they're not homophobic. They may feel like you've been keeping a secret from them, or they may be uncertain about their own sexuality and being confronted with someone else's makes them ask themselves some uncomfortable questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The approach that, mostly worked for me, was to remind people that I was still the same person who I'd always been. I still liked the same music, still went to the same shows and so on... I just came out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be patient with your friend, sometimes it takes people a little while to come around, and honestly some people never really do... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming out is hard for all of us, but try not to let it get you down. It's a big world out there and it gets easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T01:34:13.427" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3083" CreationDate="2017-09-01T01:51:29.890" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There comes a time when we all have to allow everyone to have their own preferences, even if they're not as sensible as &lt;em&gt;we&lt;/em&gt; think they should be. You may believe grocery pickup is the best, which is a perfectly valid opinion, but their's to decline it is just as valid. You must respect &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; decision just as you insist they respect yours. To suggest someone is &quot;close-minded&quot; merely because they choose differently than you would is, with all due respect, a bit insolent on your part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe to anyone else, or to any objective party, yours is the logical, sensible answer - but this isn't about logic. It's about personal preference. And not everyone operates in what &lt;em&gt;we&lt;/em&gt; think should be &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; best interest. Just as you would undoubtedly resent someone else insisting &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; think a certain way, I'd encourage you to give these relatives this same, simple courtesy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3236" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T01:51:29.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3092" CreationDate="2017-09-01T06:45:35.930" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put the blame &lt;em&gt;entirely&lt;/em&gt; on yourself and don't even &lt;em&gt;hint&lt;/em&gt; that their competence is relevant:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;I'm sorry, but my dialect makes it difficult for me to speak in regular German, even with natives. I'd appreciate it if we could continue in English.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way they can't claim they can fix the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T07:02:45.763" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3123" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2017-09-01T07:00:57.190" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suggestion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Stop keeping around cash.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put most of your money somewhere where you have to take a &lt;strong&gt;loss&lt;/strong&gt; to extract it (e.g. a CD).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them you no longer have cash but have parked away your savings and they're now stuck for a while. (Thanks to one of the commenters below for pointing out this step.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist, tell them that taking the funds back would make you take a loss; if they insist, tell them it's an X% loss (hopefully this is a meaningfully large sum, at least to them if not to you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they tell you to take a loss for their sake anyway, then you're in a much better position in rejecting their demands as unreasonable and they'll have just as much of a harder time making &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; look unreasonable—after all, they're not just asking you for a &amp;quot;loan&amp;quot;, they're asking you to &lt;em&gt;lose&lt;/em&gt; money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they accuse you of putting your money somewhere so they can't readily borrow it from you, point out to them that you were &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; losing the value of your money due to inflation and that you're merely trying to protect what you already have. If they say you're lying, tell them that you'll be happy to let them&#xA;borrow at an interest rate greater than the rate of inflation &lt;em&gt;after they reimburse you for the previous &amp;quot;loans&amp;quot; you've already lost money on&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, &lt;strong&gt;make it clear to them that even if they pay you back as they promise, you're &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; losing money&lt;/strong&gt; at their expense, and the only way to avoid that is for them to pay back your loans &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; reimburse you for the value lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T07:59:22.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-09-01T07:18:00.887" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;To me, this is the clue: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;strong&gt;He has stated that the two of them would like&lt;/strong&gt; to have&#xA;  dinner with my family, my mother, and my mother's&#xA;  husband. He has asked me not to tell my mother, &lt;strong&gt;as&#xA;  the mutual friend wants to surprise her&lt;/strong&gt;.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the assumption (from your question) that the friend doesn't have empathy or relational issues, this seems to be key.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your father has either by chance (innocently) learned an old contact wants to meet your mother, or has deliberately (calculatedly) decided to suggest and set up such a meeting. So my initial question is, &lt;em&gt;has your father set this up or encouraged/supported it, to provide a justification/opportunity to meet with your mother, or to hang it onto another matter, or to &quot;sweeten&quot; it&lt;/em&gt;?  That's hard to word well, so I'll put it a different way: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Did your father, understanding that this contact would enjoy meeting your mother, mistakenly think &lt;em&gt;&quot;well, I can visit my son's family and make good use of the journey, and I'm sure his mother will want to see me as well if we're both there&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(&quot;innocent&quot; motive)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Or did your father think, &lt;em&gt;&quot;I want to meet her, and I'm sure she will want to see me, but if someone else is there who she likes, this will guarantee she will agree if she had any doubts (or will ensure she doesn't decline to go along with it)&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(&quot;calculated&quot; motive)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In either case, also ask yourself, did the suggestion that it's a &quot;surprise&quot; actually originate from the &lt;em&gt;friend&lt;/em&gt;, as your father has implied, &lt;em&gt;or was it actually suggested by your father in the first place&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Was it suggested because &lt;em&gt;&quot;this would be nice&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;(innocent good nature)&lt;/strong&gt; or because it &lt;em&gt;deprives her of foreknowledge and choice&lt;/em&gt;, and ensured what he wanted would happen &lt;strong&gt;(calculated manipulation)&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;(Surprise visits aren't always for bad reasons: about a month ago I looked up a friend I haven't seen for almost 20 years and felt bad about dropping contact, and did it by surprise visit rather than email or phoning in advance to maximise their smile. It did! But in &lt;em&gt;these&lt;/em&gt; circumstances I would see this as a concern)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Short version answer:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You absolutely don't need to be in the middle and should avoid allowing yourself to be manouvered into that position&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will stress you, get backlash all round (including your wife/onlooking kids), poison things even more in future, upset everyone, and get you blamed and seen as less trustworthy/complicit against them, by everyone else - by your dad because it didn't work, by your mother by betraying her by keeping it secret when you knew she would hate it and want to know, and would have avoided if known, possibly even by your wife/son depending how they see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Overall handling:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bearing this in mind, my thought is that you can easily set up a lunch with your father and the contact, but also tell him it cannot be a family lunch with your mother and to arrange meeting her separately, because it went so badly last time (or some other pretext). Tell him you will only have an event/party where both are invited if it's a family event like a wedding or other major event, or if &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of them have told you it's okay. Tell him that she has said she doesn't like surprises (which she has probably implied if not said explicitly). Say that if he wants a private meal to which she comes, you are happy to (if your wife is agreeable) but not as a surprise;  you will want her to confirm its okay herself first. That's a decision and not going to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have direct contact with the contact, perhaps it would be worth quietly briefing them (&lt;em&gt;&quot;It won't go down well due to bad feeling and I don't think my father realises this, I don't want you to be embarrassed or put in a difficult/embarrassing position&quot;&lt;/em&gt;). As they seem to be a friend of both parents and (from contact with mother) also empathic, they may get this and also understand why its sensitive and to keep it to themselves as a heads-up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can somehow  contact them, that might well be best all round.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your wife and son:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last, if you cant do anything else and feel under pressure to invite &lt;em&gt;any of these people&lt;/em&gt; to your home at the same time, discuss the situation with your wife first and &lt;em&gt;only do it if she willingly agrees&lt;/em&gt; (and if teen or older, and your wife agrees it's appropriate, your son agrees after that). This above all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your relationship with your mother and father is well defined and probably won't impact immensely however things go, although there may be stress, anger, blame, or upset. But &lt;em&gt;you absolutely do not want to do anything that drags your wife, son, or home into it by having the visit at your place if it goes ahead, without agreeing with your wife&lt;/em&gt;, because this involves her (its &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; home and 'safe place', and her in-laws visiting, and possibly anger if/when your mother finds out she's been tricked). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is surely aware of the position, and knows them well (I'm sure you and she have spoken at length about your parents). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them being out if the house might also be an acceptable alternative - perhaps your wife or son would be fine with both parents having a meal at home &lt;em&gt;if they don't have to be there at the time&lt;/em&gt;. This is separate from your mothers consent and the fundamental concerns, but might be worth noting if for some reason both of your parents do agree to a family meal but your wife or son feels uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, ensure its with your mother and your wife's free agreement and if your wife says no, accept it. &lt;strong&gt;A good way to do this is to tell her explicitly that if she says no, it WILL be no&lt;/strong&gt;. That's the relationship you need to protect and avoid harm to, above any other, in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T15:45:48.110" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T15:45:48.110" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="193" CreationDate="2017-09-01T07:23:03.410" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, the &quot;it&quot; in &quot;It's OK&quot; does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; refer to the &lt;em&gt;problem&lt;/em&gt;. It refers to the resulting &lt;em&gt;distress&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;So the statement &quot;it's OK&quot; is 100% true—you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; okay with the distress, or you wouldn't forgive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, my go-to line is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No worries!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;since it tells them neither of you need to worry about the issue (which you both understand).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T07:23:03.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-09-01T09:27:09.370" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are being made part of the plan of your fathers.  Get out of it by telling your father that you and your family (wife,son) will not be party to any such plan.  If he chooses to go to see your mother with the other person then that's his choice and you are not part of it.  If he comes to see you and you family I assume you are okay with that, but the proposed plan is not.  By saying to your father you will have nothing to do with it means you do not have to tell your mother anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4792" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T09:27:09.370" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3053" CreationDate="2017-09-01T09:42:40.263" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is my experience from the various places I have lived - before and since having my own kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have taken sensible steps to keep your car safe, parking in the driveway when you can or overnight or away from where kids play or busy walking routes, then it is okay to politely speak to anyone who might have accidentally damaged your car to ask them to be careful near it. Do not accuse them of damaging it and be clear you are not looking for them to repair it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that speaking to parents needs to be handled very carefully - best done when you meet them in the street or garden rather than making a house call. Best also to keep it generally about kids rather than their kid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also find it helps not to be too precious about my car - yes it's expensive, but only metal and plastic after all. Parents like cakes and beer - but don't be too obvious it was a prelude to a chat about your car!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4793" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T14:52:48.470" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T14:52:48.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-09-01T10:34:36.933" Score="42" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Kill the secret&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My well-practiced approach to this is the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You simply tell your father that you will not keep it secret, and that you will inform your mother in three days (or whatever seems appropriate). That's it, you need to say nothing else. You can even do it in writing (SMS, mail, etc.) because you do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; want to make a discussion out of this. It is you informing them about what you are going to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rest will resolve itself on its own. Your father can ignore this; in which case you inform your mother after three days (&quot;hey, by the way, father mentioned he'd come and bring XYZ with him - feel free to talk to him if you ...blah blah...&quot;). You do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; tell her that your father asked you to keep it secret, because by telling your father that you won't, you canceled this request from him. You behave just as if he had not asked this of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your father can try to forbid you, but he does not have the power to do so unless you give it to him (well, if someone &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; have some power over you, you have to decide whether it is harder for you to keep the secret or to suffer whatever they can do to you - nothing is ever easy!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other option is that your father will act - either withdraw his plans or tell your mother before you do. The important thing is that you &lt;em&gt;truly&lt;/em&gt; do not need to care either way. You &lt;em&gt;told&lt;/em&gt; your father what will happen in three days. If he does not act, he &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; in fact act (i.e., by giving you implicit permission to tell).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach is completely independent of &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; circumstances. It works in the family, with friends, with co-workers. At no point whatsoever is aggression involved. Your mindset is that you simply (truly) only inform the other two participants (i.e., the would-be secret-keeper and the target of the information). You (truly) do not need to be angry about your father for asking you - asking someone to keep a secret is easy; doing it is not. If other people have the right to ask difficult things of you, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; have double the right to tell them what you will &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck with the dinner, btw!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T15:24:43.090" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T15:24:43.090" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-09-01T10:41:00.077" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You want to see your father, but your mother doesn't.&#xA;Your mother would presumably enjoy meeting her old friend, but you wouldn't be that interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If everyone is being honest about their motivations (I realise that's a big if), then how about your father has dinner with you and your family, while your mother's friend goes to visit your mother on her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4394" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T10:41:00.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3131" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3137" CreationDate="2017-09-01T10:42:17.923" Score="29" ViewCount="6596" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who is a functioning alcoholic. He's in his early thirties, lives with his parents in a small apartment and has a degree in electrical engineering (never practiced it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first, I didn't think his behavior was problematic. He is originally from Albania, where men tend to drink more, and make their own wines and other alcoholic drinks, so when he would pull a 500ml plastic water bottle full of wine out of his backpack and offer us some, I thought nothing of it. My boyfriend doesn't drink and I rarely drink but I would sometimes have a drink with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More recently, however, I started realizing that every time he would visit us, he would bring a backpack with him, in which he would store at least two or three of these bottles. I also started noticing that he would sometimes take his backpack in the bathroom which made me suspect he might be secretly sipping on some wine or other drink. Even though he knows my partner and I don't really drink, he keeps asking if we want some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming from a Health related background, I am almost certain he's depressed and I feel it's my responsibility to help (I can think of a few reasons why he's depressed. If you think mentioning them might help please let me know). He's had to sleep over at our place a few times, because he was clearly unable to walk home or it got too late for him to use public transport.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is a really nice guy and I care about him but I hate to see him suffer like that (whether he realizes it or not). I've talked to my partner about it but he doesn't want to get involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ironically, our friend has mentioned that his father had to pay a huge fine for getting a DWI (Driving While Intoxicated) and he did sound concerned about his father's behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short, it's depressing seeing him like that and I feel that by not saying anything, I am enabling his behavior which makes me feel like a hypocrite. This has started to affect me more than I thought it would. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell my friend that he's a functioning alcoholic? Can I even bring alcoholism up? Should I offer my help and how?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;And if I shouldn't say anything, how can I detach myself from the situation without acting cold towards him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I can't withdraw to another room without raising suspicion especially since he is used to me hanging out with my boyfriend and him. I can probably do it once or twice but no more.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the reasons I suspect he might be drinking about, past and present:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He was bullied as an overweight child of immigrant parents. He is skinny and tall now. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ex-girlfriend hurt him but still sees her as a friend, when he's clearly hurt. I know he's hurt because he was really distressed when talking about her. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps lacks direction. Even though he has a good degree he just won't do anything with it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a recent visit, and after all of us having some wine, my friend confessed to me that he should really cut down on the drinking. This was the first time he actually said something like that without anyone initiating a conversation about it. I immediately praised him for that and gave him a pat in the back and took advantage of the opportunity to tell him that if he ever needs my help or would like to talk about this, I'll be there for him. I feel more confident now to give him that letter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="152" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T18:11:30.517" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T07:18:46.017" Title="How to help my friend who is a functioning alcoholic?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;&lt;substance-abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3043" CreationDate="2017-09-01T11:07:46.603" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;AndyT's answer is great when you have time (weeks/months) to spare for getting to know them before the fence needs to be replaced, and I honestly suggest taking the time instead of immediately jumping to discuss something that needs their approval.  However, if you can't, inviting them over &lt;em&gt;and being up-front&lt;/em&gt; about the fact that you wanted to ask them something might work too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wording is a little harder here, since you neither want to get straight into the discussion and get a response (thus removing their interest in coming over), nor do you want to get them excited about meeting you only to immediately crush it by saying it's because you need something from them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like this might work (though it probably sounds more natural in writing than in speech, so you might want to tweak it and practice saying it so it doesn't sound awkward):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I'm Seth and I've recently moved in next door. I just came by to invite you over to our place for tea &amp;amp; cake tomorrow and discuss some potential remodeling we'd been wondering about that would need your permission. Would you be free at 4pm?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, and of course, if things go fine, &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; continue to socialize with them. Don't just forget about them!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastEditorUserId="2033" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T11:14:25.187" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T11:14:25.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3075" CreationDate="2017-09-01T11:22:44.733" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two possibilities, where in each only one speaks in his native language. You guess that the better solution would be that the other part using his native language. The conversation partner is probably not aware of this possibility (not knowing that you speak his language). You don't want to be rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make the other party aware of your language skills&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Decide together which combination works best for both of you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reassure him that it's not because his skills are completely terrible&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just one small thing. I realized that you are from France. I'm quite good in French. We could continue in English, but why not trying out French. What do you think about it? (The last sentence could also be already in French)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your conversation partner will deduce that you think that his English is not very good (or worse than your French) which is the truth. If you want you could tell him something nice about his English before. You may even pretend to have other motives (like wanting to practice French, ...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may agree and be thankful. Or he may disagree and insist on using English in which case you could answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I apologize. I didn't want to be rude. Indeed I have some difficulties understanding you. Let's continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to come across as not rude always depends a bit on the culture. If you say it with a smile, some form of judgement is usually taken better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1755" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T11:57:04.550" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T11:57:04.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-09-01T11:28:43.410" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my view, the correct way would be to tell your father you do not like his idea and you will not have dinner this way. You do not have to support other people's ideas if you do not like them. Ideally, you might then have a better proposal to offer, to limit the damage this might do to the relationship with your father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4797" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T11:28:43.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3135" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3179" CreationDate="2017-09-01T12:55:19.663" Score="11" ViewCount="1976" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not shy or introverted when it comes to discussing the majority of topics. However, I tend to dislike questions that relate to my friends and family. I don't like giving out information about someone without their consent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if a friend asked me what a mutual, but distant, friend was doing for a living nowadays, I would find that awkward. It would strike me that the mutual friend might wish to keep that information private. Especially if I knew it to have an aspect that could be judged - say they were retraining to do a job they loved, but which paid a low salary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This in itself isn't a problem for me. I'm long used to making judgement calls and swatting away any queries I don't want to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is that I find it very difficult not to apply the same logic when asking questions of other people. Many (most) people enjoy gossip and they especially love to talk about their families. However, I worry a lot that if I ask any kind of personal question, it may be perceived as intrusive and make them uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result, it takes me a &lt;em&gt;long&lt;/em&gt; time to really get to know people. I'm social enough, but I tend to know almost nothing beyond the surface about those I meet through work or hobby activity. That's not a good thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I best overcome my fear of being intrusive, and approach conversations with people on more personal questions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I am a native of the UK. Culturally, we have a well-known predication toward being private and reserved. But it doesn't seem to stop people loving to gossip :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4801" LastEditorUserId="4801" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T13:30:14.593" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T20:56:43.567" Title="How to overcome a fear of seeming intrusive when asking even mildly personal questions?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3131" CreationDate="2017-09-01T13:22:06.783" Score="28" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Credibility&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, I'm glad you've asked this question and I'm hoping this answer can not only help you but someone else in your position. Plus, to give this answer an ounce of credibility I'll have to give you some background into what I know, what I would have wanted (even at the time) and some further reading to help you devise a plan of your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alcohol isn't fun when taken beyond moderation. &lt;em&gt;Trust me I know&lt;/em&gt;, I worked in bars full-time for 6 years and throughout that time I'd progressively got worse and worse to the point where I was turning up to work or uni drunk on a daily basis. Even when I did morning shifts, just to help with the hangover. &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hair_of_the_dog&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Hair of the dog&lt;/a&gt;&quot; was my favourite hangover cure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Throughout that time, I had lost a few friends and a girlfriend on the way, &lt;strong&gt;even then I &lt;em&gt;knew&lt;/em&gt; I was bad with alcohol but I didn't &lt;em&gt;recognise&lt;/em&gt; I was an alcoholic&lt;/strong&gt;. &quot;I'm just having fun&quot; was a classic excuse I'd use to worried friends (which is probably why he offers you some, because he thinks it's fun. Though you don't), even when they carried me home, I still had no clue the impact my actions had, I would then repeat the same thing the next day. I always saw it as a recreational habit, &quot;I can cut down anytime&quot;; something I thought I could control. But, by the end of it all, it controlled me. Safe to say now though I've been clean for about 4 months. But, less about me. Let's see what you can do to help your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The help I would have wanted&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, the worst thing you can do for him is to detach yourself, I know it's hard to keep him around like this. But clearly, he needs people like you in his life. It's all about routine, he's stuck in a routine of habitual drinking and it's a hard cycle to break out of. but he won't do that until he recognises he has a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see him once a week, which is a great start. I would consider you to be good friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep a diary&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have loved for someone to do this for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;First, get a notebook (an A5 one will do).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Write a letter (it should be at the very front) to him at the very beginning stating your concerns and how much his friendship means to you and how you want to help him out, so he doesn't feel attacked and if he does he can take it home to read. (only mention it from your perspective alone, if your boyfriend doesn't want to get involved. Don't involve him)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In the pages ahead, write a diary from what you can remember of when he's been at yours or around you that concerned you. Take note of the date, how much you thought he drank and what he did that night that concerned you (i.e. pass out so he couldn't go home as an example). Do not use any negative undertones. Be as compassionate as you can be when writing this out, he may read this over and over in the future. It'll be a hard pill for him to swallow but he'll know in the end, he needs it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;One-to-one&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where the diary will come in handy. You now have ammo to back-up how much you want to help and how much you care. Be as patient as you can with him, it'll be a lot to take in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sit him down (sober) without your boyfriend anywhere to be seen if possible. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hand him over the diary and tell him how hard it is to do this and that you want to help as much as possible to help him get back on his feet. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he feels attacked, give him space and emphasise that you want him to consider it and you're there, whenever he needs you. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he's willing to talk about it, ask him how he's feeling. Use some advice from &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201409/12-steps-getting-someone-open&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;PhyschologyToday&lt;/a&gt; where possible. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Devise a plan (i.e. ask him to keep a log of how much he drinks and see if theirs any improvement over weeks). You can't expect him to go cold turkey. It took me a year of cutting down to finally stop. Or maybe accept he doesn't stop fully, just limits himself. Whatever you come up with, just let him know you'll be there to help him along the way and to keep an eye on him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only do this when you feel comfortable, but as you've said in your question you won't be able to take it much longer. You're more than within your rights to put a drinking ban when in your house after you've done this, if it'll help him. But again I'll emphasise, be as patient as you can. It's a long journey ahead. I commend you for wanting to reach out and offer a helping hand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Helpful tips&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know him better than I do and if you think he won't react positively to what I suggested above. Then I'll give you some further reading if you want to come up with your own plan. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://dontbottleitup.org.uk/worried-about-alcohol/how-to-help-someone-else&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Don't Bottle It Up - Worried about Alcohol - How to help someone&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/2014/02/16/what-to-say-to-someone-with-a-drinking-problem/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Beaking the Cycles - What to say to someone with a drinking problem&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/alcohol-abuse/10-ways-help-someone-stop-drinking/#gref&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Recover Village - 10 Ways To Help Someone Overcome Alcohol Addiction&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T13:27:37.913" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T13:27:37.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3131" CreationDate="2017-09-01T13:23:30.750" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you believe that you're right about your friend's behaviour, and bad drinking habits, below are some advice from different institutes. They mainly say that you need to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Learn from alcohol abuse: what does it mean? Why does it happen? and so on...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer care and support: listen, talk, help, and show them a way out, knowing it will be a &lt;strong&gt;very long&lt;/strong&gt; process.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take action: either you [ help them go / take them ] to rehab' or cut relationship with the person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point #2 seems the hardest human-related part, and #3 the (saddest) last option though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're willing to know and help, as it seems you're very concerned, and if this happened to me, I would really talk to a professional about that, first. He'll be the one that can tell you, give you the readings (if needed), tips, and help you deal with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your country (?), as in many, there must be free 24/7 numbers you can call for advice. Tell them all you've seen so far, what happens, why you think he has a problem, and they'll help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My advice&lt;/strong&gt;: talk to an addictions' specialist, listen to his advice. He'll tell you &lt;strong&gt;how and when&lt;/strong&gt; you should talk or take action. You can make mistakes if you are wrong or act in the wrong way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're going through a tough situation, wish you find help. And can help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOTE: emphasis mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;em&gt;Health Line&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.healthline.com/health/most-important-things-you-can-do-help-alcoholic&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to Help Someone with an Alcohol Addiction&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Learn about alcohol use disorder.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practice what you're going to say&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pick the right time and place&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Approach and listen with honesty and compassion.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Offer your support.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;em&gt;American Addiction Center&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/support/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to Best Support an Alcoholic&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Learn about alcoholism.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer support for the person to make positive changes, such as choosing not to drink.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Express love when articulating concern.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer to help the person find treatment via medically supervised detox and a rehabilitation program.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Know that the person cannot quit without help from addiction specialists.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Know that recovery is an ongoing process.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Set clear boundaries if the person refuses help.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer support, such as driving the person to treatment, attending family therapy or individual therapy, exercising with them, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;em&gt;NCADD - National Council on Alcoholism&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncadd.org/family-friends/there-is-help/helping-a-family-member-or-friend&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Helping a family member or friend&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some Things You Don't Want To Do:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't Preach:  Don't lecture, threaten, bribe, preach or moralize.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't Be a Martyr:  Avoid emotional appeals that may only increase feelings of guilt and the compulsion to drink or use other drugs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't Cover Up, lie or make excuses for them and their behavior.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't Assume Their Responsibilities: Taking over their responsibilities protects them from the consequences of their behavior.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't Argue When Using:  Arguing with the person when they are using alcohol or drugs is not helpful; at that point they can't have a rational conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't Feel Guilty or responsible for their behavior, it's not your fault.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't Join Them:  Don't try to keep up with them by drinking or using yourself.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Read more from &lt;em&gt;Discovery Place - Rehab Programs&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.discoveryplace.info/secrets-helping-alcoholic-family-member-or-friend&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Helping an alcoholic family member or friend&lt;/a&gt; - &lt;em&gt;Addict Help&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.addict-help.com/alcohol/alcoholism/how-to-help-an-alcoholic/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How To Help An Alcoholic&lt;/a&gt; - &lt;em&gt;Psychology Today&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-high-functioning-alcoholic/201104/the-challenges-dealing-alcoholic-loved-one&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dealing with an Alcoholic Loved One&lt;/a&gt; - &lt;em&gt;Addiction.org&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.addiction.com/10223/how-to-talk-to-a-high-functioning-alcoholic/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to talk to an alcoholic&lt;/a&gt; - &lt;em&gt;Betty Ford Foundation&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/breaking-through-denial-is-first-step-in-recovery-for-alcoholic&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;breaking through denial&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T14:04:04.570" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T14:04:04.570" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2626" CreationDate="2017-09-01T13:53:31.633" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to try and provide a contrast to the other very useful answers that are already here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;More information is better information.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your answer, you explain a situation that made you feel uncomfortable, and it seems based on your tone you are somewhat concerned over whether the decision you made was the correct one. This depends a great deal on what your goal here was. From a self-serving perspective, leaving this uncomfortable environment immediately was a good way to bring you out of that situation. For a different question, this could very well have been the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you are questioning this decision, however, suggests to me that you may be having other concerns, likely of an ethical nature. In that regard, my suggestion for future situations is as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remain in the uncomfortable situation as long as you yourself are not feeling attacked&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to calmly surveil the situation. Imagine yourself as simply an observer trying to better understand what's happening&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you have enough information to make a confident decision, you can more accurately decide what the best course of action would be&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is, in my opinion, an ethical way to minimize present and future physical and mental risk for all parties involved. By remaining present, social standards potentially prevent the situation from escalating dangerously. By collecting evidence, you are able to make a more informed decision, ranging from (if things get much worse) calling the police after getting yourself to a safe area to laughing off the situation because you simply misunderstood a normal social (for them) family dynamic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3426" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T13:53:31.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3141" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3153" CreationDate="2017-09-01T14:56:29.407" Score="38" ViewCount="6783" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who is a research scientist of Mexican descent. Before a work meeting, as he was wiping off the whiteboards to begin a presentation, he joked &quot;This is the part that my people are best at!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's an appropriate reaction when someone makes a racial joke about their own heritage? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4815" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T02:08:14.700" Title="How to react when someone makes a racially charged joke about their own heritage" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;&lt;humor&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2019-01-07T07:01:30.413" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3142" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3151" CreationDate="2017-09-01T14:58:20.910" Score="28" ViewCount="6085" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months ago, I met a girl on a dating site. We talked a bit and had our first date. It was great but she mentioned she had quite a heavy backstory without giving out much details. Unfortunately, after this date, she had some family problems and cut contact for two months before we met again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here we were, having a second date and enjoying ourselves, when she started to talk more and more about her past. Like she said, she had some pretty bad experiences: one of her neighbours killed himself and she was the one to find the body, her fiance broke up just before their marriage and confessed he was cheating on her with a man, etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As she was telling these stories, she was becoming sadder and sadder. Even though I tried to change the subject, she always found a way to tell a sad story that happened to her and which was somehow related to our discussion. In the end, she cried and I comforted her the best I could.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think I have handled this situation well and I am still not sure about how I should have handled it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Changing the subject too much may come off as rude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Making jokes might help to keep the mood light and cheer the person, but it is very hard to do with such sad stories.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listening to her and lending a shoulder to cry on is quite awkward when you are just beginning to know each other. In my case, she felt extremely embarrassed to be crying in front of me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say the objective is to have a nice date for both the person and you. You don't know each other very well and the person starts getting sad for whatever reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the best way to handle this situation ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4535" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-05-01T05:10:56.560" Title="How to deal with a person getting sad during a date?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3141" CreationDate="2017-09-01T15:02:48.473" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Laughing...?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Racist jokes are hideous only because there are actually people with racist views, who tell these jokes to mock minorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, jokes are meant to make people laugh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you ruled out racism as the reason why he told that joke, I assume you can safely laugh from the joke your colleague made if you found it funny, as I assume it was his intention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T15:02:48.473" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3144" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3166" CreationDate="2017-09-01T15:20:52.797" Score="6" ViewCount="1557" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: This is similar to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/875/how-do-i-effectively-forestall-gifts-for-my-birthday/884#884&quot;&gt;How do I effectively forestall gifts for my birthday?&lt;/a&gt;, but this is specifically about family members, and isn't in the context of a party. I want a specific person to stop sending gifts.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today is my birthday, and I received several packages from Amazon from my father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a single, young professional with sufficient disposable income to purchase what I need and want for myself, without needing to wait for my birthday or Christmas, as I did when I was a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have mentioned the desire for some items while talking on the phone with my father, and then subsequently bought them. Over the past few days, these items have shown up on my doorstep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I told my father that I already bought everything he sent, he texted my back with &quot;sigh... we were so hopeful!&quot; It makes me feel bad that he's disappointed. I could not tell him, but then I'd feel bad that he's wasting money on things I don't need. Additionally, he would like to know/see how I'm enjoying them, so the lies could easily get out of hand. I'd much prefer to be honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I responded that, in the future, I wouldn't be offended if he didn't send gifts, but rather just sent a card or something small from my hometown. He responded that he thought I didn't like cards. He is correct, I have no personal interest in cards, but I wanted to offer him something that he could get me to fulfill his desire to not get me nothing. Time will tell if this was effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite having already responded to my father, I wanted to get some other opinions. My question is the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I ask a family member to stop sending gifts?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4817" LastEditorUserId="4817" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T15:54:50.040" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T15:05:30.377" Title="Asking family members to not send gifts" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3145" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3144" CreationDate="2017-09-01T15:31:18.003" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say rather than asking them to stop sending gifts just have a discussion about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like they'd like to get you something for your birthday each year, so why not just be more open about it all. It doesn't need to be a surprise when you get older, it's still nice to get something you'd like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say to your parents something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you still want to get me something for my birthday next time just ask me what I'd like so we don't both end up buying it. Then we can both enjoy that :).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then rather than them feeling like you don't want anything from them any more they still get the pleasure of giving you something you enjoy and you don't end up buying it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4518" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T15:31:18.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3141" CreationDate="2017-09-01T15:34:50.410" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you find it funny, laugh. If not, smile, or ignore it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's a self-deprecating joke. Not the kind where it targets a different race or culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm an Indian and I make a quick funny remark about us Indians' accent when speaking in English, it's only a joke. Nobody is being targeted. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can just ignore that you heard it, or put on a decent smile. Else, you can join in the moment, relax a bit, laugh. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if it's a native English speaker making jokes about Indians' accent, it may not go over well with everyone around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An exception to this is if there's a brick wall behind and it's a standup comedian performing. People usually attend the show for unrestricted and uncensored comedy. And whoever is offended by such jokes can just not go there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be noted that there's a difference between laughing with the people or at the people. If I'm joking about how clumsy I am and we're all laughing together, I'm okay with it. But if someone else is making fun of me, calling me a  clutz, and laughing at me, then it's not fun for me. Good stand-up comedians know how to navigate through this considering the context and the mood of the audience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T16:03:44.437" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T16:03:44.437" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2970" CreationDate="2017-09-01T15:38:33.457" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi I am doing well thank you for asking.  I apologize but may I ask&#xA;  who is calling?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are answering their question and being a little friendly and engaging, saying I apologize but may I ask who is calling, is just being respectful of them and asking the &quot;Who is this?&quot; question in a softer way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And besides someone calling after 5 years, you gotta expect they may not immediately know who you are. If you were calling me, you'd go straight to voicemail since I don't answer numbers I don't recognize.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4818" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T15:44:21.060" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T15:44:21.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3148" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3149" CreationDate="2017-09-01T15:47:44.733" Score="13" ViewCount="2216" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been invited to a night out with a few friends and we're going to a drag show!  Something that I've never done before but I am excited about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that there will be other drag queens there that aren't necessarily going to be performers and I'm unsure how I should address them if I were to chat with or about a queen, i.e him, her or they.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have plenty of trans friends that are very opinionated on pronouns and all have different views so I am reaching out to you all!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3208" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T17:27:31.207" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T17:27:31.207" Title="How should I address a drag queen?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3148" CreationDate="2017-09-01T15:55:52.307" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Huffington Post has an interesting article on the matter named &amp;quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-bartolomei/drag-and-pronouns_b_3384512.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Drag and Pronouns&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&amp;quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pronouns and drag can some times get confusing. When someone performs&#xA;in drag, the accepted etiquette is to refer to them by the opposite&#xA;pronouns. So a woman in drag would be a “he,” and a man in drag would&#xA;be a “she.” That in itself isn’t too confusing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/46belo/drag_queens_and_gender_pronouns/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Reddit Thread&lt;/a&gt; also echoes this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I refer to the character by the gender presented, the performer by&#xA;their identified gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance a cis man name Robert performs as a drag queen named&#xA;Donna. Robert is he, Donna is she.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A trans man name Jake performs as a drag king named Paul, in this case&#xA;both performer and character are he.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T15:55:52.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3150" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3157" CreationDate="2017-09-01T15:59:02.993" Score="0" ViewCount="264" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know why but from time to time when I post an answer in a forum, it goes unnoticed for a while and then several weeks or months later, while the subject is well advanced, someone quote me, and answers with a short and quite sharp and disrespectful answer like &quot;Duuuuuh you were wrong at character 6 line 8 it is not thing A but thing B&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I cope with that kind of people ? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2150" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T17:06:26.470" Title="Answering in online forum to sharp messages long time after initial post" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3142" CreationDate="2017-09-01T16:11:53.040" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer obviously depends on what you gain from this date and what you hope to gain from future ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find that this made you uninterested in the girl you should obviously make a quicker exit, not blatant but excuse yourself earlier than otherwise. Mayhaps you still like her and want to meet her more, then the best thing is to stick around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is the first decision to make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you decide to stick around it's a bit trickier; you can't remove the gloom from someone just like that. I've seen it a few times with cases such as people hearing about friends dying while we're out, getting denied for jobs, hearing about relatives getting cancer or just when they are feeling very sad and think about all of the bad stuff in their lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The right thing to do is dependent on the person you're speaking to. Some will take very well to deflection, some just want you to be there for them, some would rather excuse themselves or have you excuse yourself from the situation. There are obviously more variants but it all comes down to said individual's personal preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You tried valid things, and all of the things you mentioned are actions which I would have suggested. As such there's only one big trick left that I really have to give and that is serving your feelings straight up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is clearly making you sad, can we talk about something else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simple but not easy. Especially if you don't want to come off as rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does also presume that you can't just switch the location. A change of environment, just taking a walk or moving to another place, can really snap people out of this type of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the point here is however that you should try prodding in all of these directions until you feel that you've had enough. Try a light joke about whatever small thing you can think of, try some deflection, go out to get some fresh air by all mains. Do remember though: &lt;em&gt;You are on a date, you're not obliged to listen to her being sad and her sad stories&lt;/em&gt;. It's not very nice to leave a clearly sad person but neither is it nice of her to keep piling all of this on you right there and then if you don't want to. This is why it's important to tell her if you would prefer to talk about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the bottom line is: It depends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4022" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T16:11:53.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3142" CreationDate="2017-09-01T16:19:54.180" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she's telling you these stories on your second date, it means she is preoccupied with them and wants to talk about it. She most likely doesn't want you to change the subject or cheer her up, she wants you to listen and give her sympathy, otherwise she wouldn't bring up such topics with someone she is just getting to know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people enjoy the patient-therapist sort of relationship in their romantic partners, at least for certain periods of their lives. I have known people who are attracted to both sides of this dynamic. If you aren't interested in listening non-judgmentally to sad stories and providing sympathy, then this might be a difficult relationship to maintain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T16:19:54.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3141" CreationDate="2017-09-01T16:40:13.723" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you find it funny, laugh. If you don't, it would be polite to smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it could be helpful to understand something about &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; a joke like this is funny, at least to a certain audience. When minorities make jokes targeted at their own minority group, it is typically done as a way to express frustration towards negative stereotypes about that group, NOT as a way to make fun of the group itself. In this particular case, I would say that the researcher is using &lt;em&gt;irony&lt;/em&gt;, defined as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally&#xA;  signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He doesn't literally mean &quot;Mexicans commonly have jobs cleaning stuff, isn't that funny?&quot; He means something more along the lines of &quot;I am a Mexican research scientist giving a talk, but people who look like me (and probably me, specifically) are often stereotyped as having menial jobs, isn't that annoying / messed up?&quot; By using irony he is expressing that sentiment with a wink for the people in the audience who both get where he's coming from and appreciate irony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;addendum:&lt;/strong&gt; As should be clear from my answer, I disagree with the notion that such jokes are &quot;self-mockery&quot; or &quot;self-deprecation&quot;. Self-deprecating humor is essentially highlighting actual or perceived flaws, and they themselves are truly the butt of the joke. That is most certainly NOT what the research scientist is doing. His aim is for people to laugh at stereotypes about Mexicans, not at him because he's Mexican.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastEditorUserId="2630" LastEditDate="2017-09-02T02:08:14.700" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T02:08:14.700" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2541" CreationDate="2017-09-01T16:54:22.773" Score="3" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Show them that privacy isn't about secrecy&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fundamental misunderstanding here is that the reason you want privacy, is because you want secrecy, &amp;quot;if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear&amp;quot; is the famous exploitation of this fallacy, the idea that everything should be public by default, simply because privacy allows secrecy is essentially an excuse used by powers that be to ignore boundaries and restrict freedoms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents need to understand that having your door shut is, as well as a symbol of trust between you, a practical and useful tool outside of it's use to conceal. Having your door shut, as well as being a simple fire safety precaution, makes it easier to concentrate without distractions from your work, it allows you to make your room into an ambient space, watching videos and playing music out loud and the like, you can do many things in a room with the door closed that you can't do as easily without.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Start here if you don't care about context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;So my advice is simply to shut the door and do something that's clearly not secret, but requires concentration or begets privacy, make something, paint something, do a jigsaw puzzle, whatever, and have music playing, and when they open the door, greet them and ask them to shut the door behind them as you're trying to concentrate or don't want to bother anyone with your music. Be civil, what you're doing here is making it seem like a courtesy that you've shut your door. And if they are simply blind to this kind of communication, then your parents have a problem with paranoia that isn't going to be fixed by you right now. This is not an issue worth ruining a relationship for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2595" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T16:54:22.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3150" CreationDate="2017-09-01T16:56:48.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's called trolling. The point of trolling is to elicit an emotional response, not to advance a discussion or help anyone. There is simply no good way to respond to a troll unless you are interested in trolling them back. If you don't want to troll back, then the way to cope with trolling is to ignore it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T16:56:48.907" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3156" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3150" CreationDate="2017-09-01T17:03:49.583" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore, or, if possible, flag&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone says something rude, or points out how you're wrong bluntly, it can be pretty hard to resist that feeling to retort and argue with them. &lt;strong&gt;There's rarely anything to be gained from an argument, though&lt;/strong&gt;, whether on a technical point or just arguing over whether their response was rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't win an argument, because if you lose, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior, you hurt his pride, insult his intelligence, his judgment, and his self-respect, and he'll resent your triumph. That will make him strike back, but it will never make him want to change his mind. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;— Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely to be challenging to confront someone who's left a blunt, or even rude, comment. Most forums, though, have systems to discourage rude or offensive posts. For example, Stack Exchange sites have a &lt;a href=&quot;https://iot.stackexchange.com/help/be-nice&quot;&gt;Be Nice&lt;/a&gt; policy, which discourages rudeness and belittling language. The vast majority of other forums have similar systems to flag posts, although the level of civility expected may vary (some may tolerate posts like the one you mention, and some may not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it bothers you, flag and let a moderator handle the situation. They've been given the responsibility, and are likely to be in good standing in the community, so their words probably carry a lot of weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the community you're in doesn't see a post like this as a problem, then your only real choice is to ignore it, or take it in your stride and respond as if it had been written politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For messages that are a little blunt, but not outright rude, it's up to you how you proceed. If it really bothers you and is hurtful, it seems logical to flag and escalate it—after all, a community that doesn't respond when users are uncomfortable perhaps isn't one worth being in. But if it's just trivial, either ignore it and move on, or, if you're willing, respond positively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Debrett's also publishes an etiquette guide on &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.debretts.com/everyday-etiquette/how-to-respond-to-rudeness/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How To Respond To Rudeness&lt;/a&gt;, weighing the pros and cons. As they state, responding in kind is great for letting off steam, but it doesn't really help a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="222" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T17:03:49.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3150" CreationDate="2017-09-01T17:06:26.470" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In cases like this where it is some random online commenter, I say kill 'em with kindness. But you have some options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Respond in kind.&lt;/strong&gt; Generally a bad idea. This will likely just antagonize the commenter and escalate the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore.&lt;/strong&gt; This is fine! If the issue is already resolved or forgotten for you, no need to keep discussing it. (Although it is nice to future readers who have the same problem, if you come back and describe how it was resolved.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Call out their rude behavior.&lt;/strong&gt; This can be a little risky as it may also antagonize them. However, if you do it politely (a thank-you for the effort goes a long way), it could also be a learning moment for them. &quot;Not everyone knows that, and it's a difficult problem to search for online. Thanks for the response though, I appreciate you taking the time to provide a solution.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Respond with kindness.&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Thanks! I did figure that out / worked around this issue, but I'll keep that in mind for next time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Report them to the moderators&lt;/strong&gt;, particularly if this is a repeat offender. Chances are you aren't the only one to notice this, and perhaps a warning from the people in charge will prompt them to change their ways.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, consider for the future you can usually avoid these sorts of comments by updating your own threads with the resolution you found. This way you don't get people commenting a month later, and nobody wastes time on a problem that doesn't need solved anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've asked a few dumb questions on StackOverflow in my time and being humble goes a long way. People often mirror your own attitude: if you are polite, they are less likely to continue responding rudely. And even if they continue to be rude, you still look good :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T17:06:26.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-09-01T17:07:18.700" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would question the alleged fact of the friend being of interest to the mother.  If the father is so poor in the social department, he probably has no clue as to the actual nature of any relationship between the friend and the mother - and what he does have is probably wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It wouldn't surprise me at all if there is a reason the alleged friend hasn't had contact with the mother for so long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But of utmost importance - you need to sign back in and let us all know how it worked out!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4821" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T17:07:18.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3160" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2632" CreationDate="2017-09-01T17:23:46.670" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would absolutely just look to the golden rule on this one. &lt;strong&gt;If your positions were reversed, how would you want to be notified of your misplaced hopes?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without knowing this person very well I can make a few assumptions I find likely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;to make clear, that we will just be friends, so that he can look for&#xA;  another girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a bit of male perspective: he already is looking. It is definitely my experience that very few adult men are fully preoccupied with a single romantic prospect before even confirming mutual interest. He is more likely just lonely than hung up on you. It's like placing a good meal in front of a hungry person. However, if he is younger or has little to no dating or relationship experience, he may be more prone to suffer from a highly idealized understanding of you, that may make it harder for him to accept the reality of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see a lot of people suggesting you ignore it if possible or wait for some dramatic confession, and I have to say I completely disagree. If it were me I would prefer to be informed as soon as possible. If it's awkward to do in person, then via text or email, or even tell your friends who informed you of this crush in the first place. You don't need to be detailed. Just a simple, &quot;I heard a rumor that you might be interested in being more than friends, but I wanted to let you know before it could get awkward or painful that I just don't feel that way about you.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know there's an issue, then trying to wait on it will only make things harder for both of you in the long run. Intentionally acting oblivious is not a form of communication, and is, with apologies to other posters, terrible advice. Men do not expect a dishonest or fake response in these situations. They will not take the hint. It's pretty well documented that people interpret ambiguous social cues in whatever way is closest to what they want, doubly so when it comes to men interacting with someone they find attractive. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.livescience.com/4876-clueless-guys-read-women.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here's an article about this referencing some actual studies and experts.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4814" LastEditorUserId="4814" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T18:54:16.507" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T18:54:16.507" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="603" CreationDate="2017-09-01T17:25:38.550" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I too am a person that never &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; anyone to feel slighted if I can help it.  So Facebook is one that took me a long time to &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; at ease about.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how I handle things now when I get a request is to simply accept, reject it or leave it alone if I want to think about it.  I have been friend requested by literally hundreds of people I haven't accepted.  I run an incredibly large group on FB that is a support group (about 25,000 members) and many people will mistake that I have spoken to them via pm or a friendly back and forth as being that I would give them access to my personal FB.  I have other admins of course (lots and lots of them) and those people I do friend as they are helping run things, but I do not friend members.  I also have people from my past, new people I meet, relatives I haven't seen in a long time or have barely ever known, etc, all try to friend me. I tell you all of this to say that I check my folder all the time, including the messages that have been filtered out, and to date, in over a decade of doing this, no one has ever asked me in pm or in person why I didn't accept their request.  So I think you are more concerned over it than it warrants.  I used to be as well, but time has taught me either people don't notice, or they really do not care all that much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T17:25:38.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3162" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-01T17:33:45.603" Score="1" ViewCount="1983" Body="&lt;p&gt;She has been my best friend for several months, and I have been hers at the same time. Both are sure that she and I are the only bestie to each other, loving each other deeply. This friendship is an honest and strong one. She is the cleverest student in our school, and I'm not so clever as her, but usually get high marks, so both are well known. Both have many same interests, especially maths, and when we train for maths contest, we study together. This is a very close friendship, calling almost every time, being close to each other, and many other things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There have been many problems between she and I, and some are really big ones, those were hard times, but we could overcome those. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, last Thursday, during class, after the teacher had given the assignments, I didn't get one fast, while another guy beside me had started working, so I impatiently said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Don't choose your favorite papers, just give me fast&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This upset her, and her eyes became teary. The reason she did what she did was because she was choosing a clean one for me. I didn't know this, and couldn't say sorry after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then the night before that, I unconsciously said a bad word to her, and she kept that in mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have apologized in all possible ways, by phoning, on meeting, on texts, voice messages, but all are being ignored ignored. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is the very first girl I've ever cried for, and I never want to lose her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make her come back to me? Is there anything I can say or do to help her come back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4824" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T19:58:39.417" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T19:58:39.417" Title="How to make a girl bestie come back?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3162" CreationDate="2017-09-01T17:42:44.707" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this is a rough thing to deal with but if you apologize (and what you're apologizing isn't hard to forgive like betrayal) and the person won't accept it then there really is nothing else you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, a person who won't accept an apology for a minor slight is being manipulative and probably really isn't that good of a friend in reality anyway.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just let it go and give it time. If she wants to be your friend again, she'll let you know. If she doesn't and can't forgive you, you're much better off. Truly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4631" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T17:42:44.707" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3164" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3171" CreationDate="2017-09-01T17:45:13.457" Score="15" ViewCount="8692" Body="&lt;p&gt;I came out for my family about 6 months ago. I was 23 at the time, and everyone was shocked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have a very limited mind about those things: asking me if I'll be dressing like a girl, if I want to get AIDS, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I lived with my aunt, grandmother, my older cousin and his fiancée (8 years together), but now I'm living with my boyfriend in another apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is: I, some friends and some family members think that my older cousin is gay too, but he has a fiancée and I really think he's not prepared or have the courage to come out as I did. How can I talk to him and try to help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4823" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-02T12:01:02.483" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T20:34:02.477" Title="How can I talk with my older cousin about his sexuality?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2632" CreationDate="2017-09-01T17:51:08.990" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was 20.  We were camping in a pretty place with a group of 10–15 youths aged 12–25.  I had a romantic interest in someone.  One day we were talking.  At one point, when other people weren't in audible distance, she asked: I think I have noticed you have a crush on me, is that right?  I nodded.  Then she said, I'm sorry, but I don't have a romantic interest.  After a some moments of silence we continued the previous conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was all spoken gently and friendly.  It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was far friendlier than the other rejections I'd faced as a teenager.  I don't resent her at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="40" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T17:51:08.990" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3144" CreationDate="2017-09-01T18:07:07.280" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;To your father, &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; sending a gift &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; prove to be internally awkward to him as his idea of &quot;what is appropriate&quot;.  Gifting is a cultural norm in most places for a birthday.  Then there is a really interesting theory about &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.5lovelanguages.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;love languages&lt;/a&gt;&quot;.  It says essentially that every person has a set of specific things that &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; them feel loved.  It essentially comes down to 5 things, which are divided into acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch.  It is &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; that receiving gifts is high on your dad's idea of love, such that he may feel a disproportionate need to give you gifts in order to &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; he is &lt;em&gt;showing&lt;/em&gt; you love. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Receiving gifts isn't one for me either, so I allow those that really feel the need to just go ahead.  I do try to make suggestions so that it appeases both my feelings that it isn't necessary while still directing them where it could actually be useful.  Watch what you mention in conversation with those people too, so they don't take it as a gift idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I am not sure the cash value of the gifts, but if they are enough, perhaps mention you would &lt;em&gt;rather&lt;/em&gt; see him in person if it's enough to cover travel, or if he lives close enough, maybe even plan to do something together you both enjoy, like a sports event or a day fishing, or anything you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have in common.  Many times parents of adult children really &lt;em&gt;love&lt;/em&gt; to be told &quot;I really want to see you&quot;.  I speak from experience on that.  I would love to hear &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; nearly more than anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And since you mentioned Amazon, start a list.  When you are looking for things on there, throw a bunch of items you &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; like but likely won't  buy onto a list.  Then they can shop off the list without having to have you know exactly what they may pick.  My husband does this for me because the children really &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to buy him things for events (birthday, Christmas, Father's Day) and like you, he has no need to wait for special times to make a purchase, so at those times it is very hard to pick for him.  He is also a minimalist, so he doesn't generally &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; a ton of things.  This makes sure that whatever we pick, he &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; like, would &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; to have it, and yet he isn't knowing ahead of time what he will get for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible to tell people &quot;no gifts&quot; for sure, but I have to tell you when you are talking about your parents, the dynamic is such that I can't tell you a great way to have that honored.  As someone who &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; doesn't love getting gifts (because I too have plenty), I have to say that it is nice to have things in my home that were given to me by people who are no longer here.  I do remember them when I use those things and it means something to be able to tell my kids who gave that to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T18:07:07.280" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3162" CreationDate="2017-09-01T18:24:44.080" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is hard to understand &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; much you are phoning, texting etc.  It is possible that you could be pushing too hard and that alone can cause someone to not respond.  People do not want to feel pressured.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure that in trying to mend things that you respect her &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; to be upset.  It may make her want some time to feel ready to talk to you about it.  No one &lt;em&gt;has to&lt;/em&gt; immediately be ready to get past something if they were wronged.  They do have the right to take some time to think about things or not interact with you if they still feel upset about it.  If that is how they are feeling, it will make things worse if you try to force them to accept your apology and move on faster than they feel ready.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try telling her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry for the way I acted.  I feel very badly about that.  I have&#xA;  been trying to apologize as I know that is my fault and you did not&#xA;  deserve it.  Then I think I made things worse by trying so hard to fix&#xA;  things that maybe I have been crowding you when you needed me to give&#xA;  you some space.  I will give you space and hope that after some time&#xA;  you will see I am sincere and that we can try to mend things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, you really &lt;em&gt;have to&lt;/em&gt; be patient and give space.  Pushing someone to forgive you &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; offensive all by itself.  I know it can hard, especially when you are young and this person means a lot to you.  It is an important skill in life though on learning how to respect the boundaries of the people you love.  Your desire to mend things cannot supersede their desire to take some time away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T18:24:44.080" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3164" CreationDate="2017-09-01T18:28:48.183" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you undoubtedly realize, coming-out is an intensely personal and usually quite difficult process and there's often a certain amount of self-deception involved before you can even reach the point of telling others.  I'd suggest not reaching out directly at all, but rather just be available and develop your relationship with your cousin however you normally would, setting all family rumors aside.  He'll talk to you if/when he's ready and that's assuming he's even gay, which your friends and family may well be misjudging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you're going to be a better judge of your relationship with your cousin than any of us here.  You can leave hints that you're willing to discuss sexuality without trying to imply anything and you can try to hang out with him in settings where he'll be free to confide if he wants to.  Ultimately, though, he should make the first move.  Direct confrontation may well just push him deeper into his shell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing to consider here is how to interact with the friends and family members who are raising these concerns.  If you're comfortable, share with them some of the difficulties you faced in the process and encourage them to give your cousin space to define himself however he will.  Encourage them to consider that they might be wrong in their assumptions, as well.  Granted, easier said than done, especially when it comes to family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2396" LastEditorUserId="2396" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T18:34:47.940" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T18:34:47.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3164" CreationDate="2017-09-01T19:03:00.550" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's worth noting that it's not an either or. Sexuality is more of a spectrum, as in some people may fall somewhere in the middle. Your cousin may be one of these people, or he may not, but you don't really know, and it may be damaging to the relationship to press the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I've run into these situations I usually just let it be until the person comes to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person seems to be curious, like they ask a lot of questions, or seem to be hinting around, but too afraid to say anything directly... Sometimes inviting them to come to a Pride event is helpful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I knew a younger guy, I'll call &quot;Bob&quot;. Bob was just a friend of a former partner. My former partner grew up with Bob and always assumed Bob was straight, because he hadn't ever said otherwise. On the other hand, when I was introduced to Bob, my first impression was that he was gay... So we invited him to a local Pride event where he had a blast and got a chance to see the larger LGBT+ community in all it's colors and styles. About a week or two latter Bob came out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that it's not this easy for everyone, I think Bob had been yearning to come out and just needed to see that it was safe and that he would have friends and a community that would be there for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a friend or family member that you suspect may be in the closet, don't push them out. Invite them out. To an event that'll likely be enjoyable whether they're actually closeted or not, and whether they're ready to come out or not. Showing is often better than telling anyway, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T19:03:00.550" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3164" CreationDate="2017-09-01T19:04:11.590" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't.  It's really not your place, regardless of intention.  I get that you feel it would be somehow kind, it very rarely would be received that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sexuality is my business.  Yours is yours.  This is the same for all people.  If you are not involved with a person sexually (like a partner) then you really have no basis to infer or ask someone else about theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is a perfect example of how you handle it.  I have a friend.  For years I suspected she was a lesbian despite dating men openly, etc.  She eventually told me she was in fact a lesbian.  Then she spent about 5 years with one woman, they broke up, she dated a man, they married and had kids.  She then divorced and started dating women again.  She still occasionally dates a man.  I have never once asked her.  I would &lt;em&gt;guess&lt;/em&gt; she is bisexual, but frankly why would I ask?  It really doesn't matter.  She is my friend.  As such, we aren't sexually involved, so who she dates has no bearing on anything as long as she is happy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone wants to come out to you or anyone else, they will.  If they do not, then perhaps they have nothing to come out about, or are not ready, or any other reason.  Sexual preferences though have no bearing on you when they do not specifically involve you.  I would like to know the sexual preferences of my husband (and I think I do as far as I know) but as far as any other person on this planet, I don't care.  They can tell me &lt;em&gt;if they want to&lt;/em&gt; or not if they don't.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do is be openly supportive of people who want to come out.   You can make it obvious you love all people without any reservations about their sexuality so that you can feel like a safe person to talk to &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; someone &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to talk about it.  You may very well be right about your cousin, but even if you are, if he isn't in a place to be ready, it won't help anything most likely.  I made the mistake one time with someone I was very close to.  I was right, but it didn't help. It ruined the relationship.  I had no right to ask and in hindsight I see that now.  I &lt;em&gt;thought&lt;/em&gt; I could &quot;help them&quot; and all I did was make them feel unsafe.  It was the total opposite of my intention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It probably bears mentioning that both of my grown daughters have dated women.  I don't know if they consider themselves bisexual, experimenting, lesbian.  I don't &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; they consider themselves lesbian as both are in long term relationships with men at this time.  But again, I don't ask them.  They have told me who they are seeing, but I've never felt a need to discuss that person's gender.  It makes no difference to me who they love. I only care they are treated well.  I &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; step up and intercede if I felt they were being badly treated, otherwise I stay out of it.  What is a little odd is that this is such a non issue to me, I didn't even initially have this example come to mind when answering, hence my add on. What came to mind was my first experiences in dealing with this, likely due to my first example of handling it &lt;em&gt;wrongly&lt;/em&gt; and my next experience where I learned from that mistake &amp;amp; did better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="1652" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T19:30:33.063" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T19:30:33.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3141" CreationDate="2017-09-01T19:16:12.547" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;To me, your dilemma is a bit unclear. &#xA;The answers may differ depending how close friends you are with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is in a workplace setting, and you're not too close friends, that is you mainly interact in the lab, I wouldn't overthink it. Just make a reply in the same spirit,  while offering your help, saying something funny about yourself too. The joke doesn't have to be about your ethicity or religion if those make you uncomfortable. Just grab another rag saying &quot;I'll help you, my  partner always makes me to do the cleaning,  I've gotten really good at it.&quot; You get the idea. Or just smile and ignore it altogether. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if he is a close friend, you probably may want to know better what he thinks about issues of  prejudice in general and against Mexicans in particular. It could be that those issues troubling him and he is curious about your opinion and he would like to discuss them with you. Friends talk about all kinds of sensitive stuff and they should be more open and comfortable with each other than with mere acquaintances or colleagues. You can later mention the subject outside of the lab, while having a beer/coffee with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1617" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T19:16:12.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3135" CreationDate="2017-09-01T20:15:11.710" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing to remember is that how you approach a subject will depend entirely on the person. People who are willing to share their personal information will do so quite easily with a probing question such as 'Oh and why did that happen?' or 'How is it going with [insert boyfriend's name etc.]'? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other people will be less willing but before I go into how to approach that, I wanted to comment that it seems you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself in these situations which probably makes you feel more uncomforatble. It might help you relax if you stop and think that these people are just like you and they will deflect any questions they do not want to answer. Once you've asked something and someone deflects it, take that as your cue to avoid that subject (only approach it again if your relationship deepens). People in general will not be annoyed if you ask a question, they will only be annoyed if you ignore their dismissal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for people who do not openly speak about themselves (but not necessarily are avoiding the topic -  maybe they are just shy), it comes down to asking &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, say I have an aquintance called Lee who is very outgoing, all I might have to say to him is, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Hey Lee, still loved up?&quot; And I will get the whole story of the great romance and the break up and the new love interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I might then approach a friend called Joanne who is quiet and it might take me many questions to get the details eg. '&quot;Hey Joanne, still loved up?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joanne: &quot;No, not anymore.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &quot;Oh that sucks, you okay?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joanne: &quot;Yeah I'm fine.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &quot;Are you guys still going out? What happened?&quot; etc etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Joanne doesn't want to talk about it she'll give signals such as changing the subject or not answering. Otherwise if she keeps answering she is probably okay with talking about it, just shy about talking about herself. If you can I would also suggest injecting snippets about your own experiences into the conversation as people will find it easier to connect with you and let their guard down. eg.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joanne: &quot;We broke up because he wanted to move to Canada.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &quot;Oh I'm sorry to hear that, I had an ex who moved to New Zealand and we tried to make it work but it didn't, it really sucks. Why is he moving, did he get a new job?&quot; etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting to know people can be really quick or really slow depending on the person but as long as you stay interested in them and show you are willing to listen and respond, your relationships should get to a deeper level. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3864" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T20:15:11.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3093" CreationDate="2017-09-01T20:31:32.203" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your question it seems like you are already being polite. If you are just looking to speed the process along, from what you've stated I would go with something along the lines of, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, how are you, can I ask who you're visiting?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can only identify if someone if a legitimate visitor by asking for a name drop. You are being polite by asking how they are but also asking a more pressing question (who are looking for, if anyone). If they avoid the second question, ask again and they would have to reveal their intentions or look suspicious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3864" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T20:31:32.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3141" CreationDate="2017-09-01T20:36:11.363" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tell jokes about part of my background, and against myself,  which includes a minority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do so because I don't believe anything should be sacrosanct against humour, and I like to walk my own talk. Also because if I can't, what does that say about who can?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As regards racism, I'm sensitive to others feelings, or try to be. That's their choice, as mine is my choice. I don't do it with people who don't know me well, and may take offense or misinterpret, and I think that's part of the key: someone who treads a line needs to be able to read those they tell it to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If ever asked to justify it, I'd say that I think of it partly as reclaiming. But the truth is much simpler - it makes me laugh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I like the reaction? Laugh and join in. Seriously. Repartee too, if you like. The more extreme the better. Use the forbidden words. Just don't take it or stereotypes seriously and see it as it is - underdogs in a position of being able to ridicule and gain amusement from a stereotype, as opposed to dying or suffering from it as my ancestors would have. And don't do it round people who will take offence or think you may be serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2017-09-01T22:02:27.443" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T22:02:27.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2017-09-01T20:55:53.607" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may not apply to your situation, but have you considered whether you want your parents in your life under these circumstances? It sounds as if you've been clear about where you currently stand. Once that position is established, further attempts to sway you show a profound lack of respect for your intelligence, decision-making skills, and your perspective of this life as a human being. Certainly, nothing about a situation like this is easy, but at this point, it sounds as if your parents may be a bigger problem, because they've either taken a position that your perspective on the matter is either wrong or that they're simply going to disregard your opinion in favor of doing whatever fits their world perspective best. It's important to realize that each individual's perspective is his or her reality, and those that choose to disregard another's perspective are demonstrating that they don't respect that individual's reality. It doesn't sound like there's much give and take in this situation, and I'm deeply sorry you're having to deal with such a difficult position. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2001" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T20:55:53.607" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3135" CreationDate="2017-09-01T20:56:43.567" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Think of topics of conversation as different layers. The top layer is small talk: superficial stuff like the weather or sports. As you go deeper, it gets more and more personal. You have to dig through the first layers before you get to the very personal stuff - people typically react poorly if you try to skip straight to &quot;So, how's your relationship with your father&quot;! It's a process to get to know people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things you can do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask open-ended questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Open-ended questions, like &quot;How was your weekend?&quot; gives the recipient plenty of discretion on how much they want to share. They could say &quot;It was really interesting, I went on a blind date&quot;, or they could say &quot;Oh, nothing much going on, how about you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Recognize invitations to ask questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When an acquaintance hints at something personal, without going into details, they may be testing the waters to see if you want to talk about it. (I do this when I'm not sure if the other person is interested in my personal life - if they don't inquire further, I don't feel foolish for over-sharing, and if they do I feel &quot;safe&quot; and that they actually care.) This is more likely when you've asked them an open-ended question. In the above example, the blind-date-haver might be hoping you'll follow up. &quot;Really! How do you mean, 'interesting?' Who set you up?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Open up about your own life&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It's all about building trust in the relationship. If you're willing to share personal stuff with them, they will feel more comfortable sharing personal stuff back. Again, I am often on the other side of this thanks to social anxiety. For example, with a new person, I might worry that it's out of place to mention my boyfriend. But if they start waxing poetic about their partner, that signals to me it's an acceptable topic of conversation with them. This is also common with touchy subjects like politics - both parties are afraid to mention it, but once one breaks the ice (in a respectful way!) there is a sense of relief, and we can talk about it freely. Level up! (er, down? mixed metaphors are hard..)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Display genuine caring for their personal life&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is the most important one! Learning more about someone's life is a natural consequence of caring about them, so questions won't seem out of place. Plus, most people love to talk about themselves and will be happy someone wants to listen.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After they have shared things with you, &lt;strong&gt;follow up&lt;/strong&gt;. This lets them know the information wasn't &quot;wasted&quot; and shows you are still interested. For example, if a coworker mentioned visiting her parents for the weekend, you could ask if they went to any fun events together. Or if that still feels too personal, you could ask how the drive was. This gives her an opportunity to share more, or just as easily say &quot;Oh, it was fine&quot; and not go into detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Start off slow and pay attention to people's reactions.&lt;/strong&gt; If they start responding with short, non-committal answers or look uncomfortable, back off and apologize if warranted. &quot;Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude! Back to the potluck -&#xA;where did you get that recipe for potato salad?&quot; This lets them know you recognize their boundaries, and are happy to continue a friendly conversation within those bounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T20:56:43.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2017-09-01T21:43:04.823" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not going to be able to repair the damage done to my relationship with my sister until I've healed from the injury she inflicted. I hope you understand that this will take a long time.  Unfortunately the pressure you are adding to forgive her before I've healed only makes the wound deeper, and worse it harms the relationship I have with you since it reminds me that you do not understand just how much I've been hurt.  I don't want the harm she caused me to sour the relationship I have with you, so please don't ask me about it again.  I will certainly let you know if our relationship improves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeated each time they bring it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T21:43:04.823" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3141" CreationDate="2017-09-01T22:12:02.037" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're quick-witted enough, responding with a joke is one way of signalling that you got the other person's joke. You could pretend to misunderstand his point for humorous effect:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You have &lt;em&gt;people&lt;/em&gt; to clean the whiteboards? We have to make do with graduate students!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could lampshade the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Isn't it great how you can get away with telling offensive jokes as long as it's about your own heritage? I just wish that people would believe me when I say I have French, Polish, Chinese, South African, Texan, and German grandparents!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really know this friend well then you could use his joke as a lead into an insult:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If that's what you do best, I'd hate to see you with something you do badly!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm deeply honoured to be the only person present for the high point of the presentation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4831" LastActivityDate="2017-09-01T22:12:02.037" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3049" CreationDate="2017-09-02T02:15:24.400" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can respond with something like &quot;Thanks for the complement, but the fact is that I didn't really do anything special, it's just the way my body is made. And i kinda hate when people compare me favorably with others like this, because maybe that's just the way their bodies are made.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4838" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T02:15:24.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3049" CreationDate="2017-09-02T03:14:12.300" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Body shaming is a pretty lame thing to do. Particularly when people do it to new moms...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of the women in my family have the opposite problem, after their first child they take on a curvier shape and it definitely isn't a matter of &quot;letting themselves go&quot; many worked really hard to try to retain and/or regain the shape they had before their kids. Most of them just had to accept their genetics and move on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other side of the spectrum, one of my former partners couldn't gain weight no matter how hard she tried. While she was pregnant it was actually a real concern that she didn't put on as much weight as expected. She even went to be tested for thyroid issues. I was with her on one of her doctors appointments and the doctor looked at me and looked at her and said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You need to eat what she's eating and she needs to eat what you're eating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing was that she ate way worse than I ever did... She just had a naturally high metabolism. She could eat doughnuts every day and not gain an ounce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People these days are much too hung up on beauty myths. I would invite anyone who disagrees to look back at previous generations and styles to see what was attractive 100 years ago, or 500 years ago... What is perceived as healthy or beautiful has changed quite a bit over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The expectations people put on themselves and others are so often simply unreasonable and unrealistic. I would use these compliments as an opportunity to point that out to people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, this is my natural shape, my natural body, I don't work for it and you shouldn't be shaming people into working towards something that isn't natural for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-09-02T03:41:29.207" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T03:41:29.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3142" CreationDate="2017-09-02T07:03:33.360" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was very young when I met my husband.  A few dates into it, I did a weird thing that I didn't seem coming and told him every rotten part of my life.  I think in hindsight, I already could see how much I really liked him and I think it was my way of finding out if he could &quot;handle&quot; my truth.  I've never done anything like that again (25 years later) and in fact, I know there are things I told him that night I have barely mentioned again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's really likely too early to say &quot;what she's like&quot;.  This may have been out of character for her to share so many heavy things like this (like it was for me) &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; it might be where she is in her life right now (lots of people go through rough patches at some point) or she may be prone to what &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; call &quot;being an Eeyore&quot; (from Adventures of Pooh).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it sounds like you handled it well.  Sometimes it is reasonable, appropriate and effective to cheer someone.  Sometimes that is really insensitive if what they &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; is to get it out.  I don't know the tone here or what she said so I have no idea how appropriate it is to even try to redirect the conversation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you have to remember too is that you have to give yourself grace when a person does this at a time you don't expect.  We are all human and it's hard to know what we can do that makes the other person feel any better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she shared all that and felt like it wasn't badly taken, she might feel like the date &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; nice, in that she was able to safely tell you all her junk and not feel like she was made to feel bad for it.  I felt a little embarrassed when I did it, but when he called me again, I felt amazing.  I got all my junk cleared &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; he still liked me.  That said, I didn't have any ongoing issues.  It sounds like perhaps she is still in a difficult time.  I just had normal life woes (school, work, bills, etc). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if instead, this date made you think &quot;Oh she is a mess&quot; and start trying to figure out how to exit, then I might say that.  I might just say that I can see she isn't up for a fun night out and has some things she needs to come to peace with and perhaps it would better if we called it early and rescheduled when she felt more up to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-02T12:13:13.850" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T12:13:13.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3187" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-02T07:09:31.780" Score="2" ViewCount="363" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: I have found an item online that I wish I had. Although technically I could afford it, currently I have other expenses so I couldn't really justify that purchase.  I have a birthday soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I express that wish politely to my family, without appearing rude or demanding? I don't want to make them buy more expensive gift than they would do otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2746" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T12:23:25.427" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T23:43:36.723" Title="How to politely express a wish for a gift" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-09-07T03:07:24.500" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3189" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-02T10:25:42.570" Score="5" ViewCount="5938" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every now and them, usually after prolonged periods of stress and frustration, I end up snapping at people at home. Sometimes my snapping is triggered by some behavior I deem unacceptable, or by them asking the wrong question at the wrong time. Every single time, it turns out to be an overreaction. What is worse, I don't snap at people at work, though many of them richly deserve it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is wrong to use (even if it is just once in a month) my people as recipients for anger and frustration they contributed little to, in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would I train myself to stop doing this? Or if I can't, how would I let them know that I just blow up from time to time, and they should not read into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2107" LastActivityDate="2021-03-29T14:06:57.990" Title="How to prevent myself from snapping at people at home?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3189" CreationDate="2017-09-02T10:53:01.663" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to be like you and I know the feeling. It's obvious that you don't want to hurt your family members. So, I am sharing what I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you need to take out your frustration because keeping it to yourself will harm you. Therefore, select one family member who you can share thing you're frustrated about with and will listen. For example, I share whatever is troubling or frustrating me with my brother and he generally provides either a solution or advises me to not mind it. But either way, I have taken my frustration out without harming anybody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How would I let them know that I just blow up from time to time, and they should not read into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tell them this like following.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey! I am a bit stressed and frustrated due to [reason]. Please don't mind if I snap. I am sorry if I hurt you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're your family and I am sure they won't mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How would I train myself to stop doing this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though this question is not about interpersonal skills, I can suggest some. You can try to overcome your stress and frustration by doing the activities you enjoy doing. For example, singing, swimming, dancing, walking etc. You can try meditation for self-control and take a look at some &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201510/7-quick-ways-stop-being-irritable&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;nice suggestions mentioned on this page&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-02T12:22:53.447" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T12:22:53.447" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3192" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3217" CreationDate="2017-09-02T15:44:48.143" Score="6" ViewCount="2458" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work at a restaurant and have to take orders over the phone all the time. My hearing isn't the best, and a lot of times I have trouble understanding what the customer is saying. I often have to ask people to repeat themselves 3 or 4 times before I can understand them. How do I ask someone to repeat what they said, especially more than once, without annoying them or coming across as rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4851" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T16:02:30.840" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T16:02:30.840" Title="How to politely ask someone to repeat themselves" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3192" CreationDate="2017-09-02T15:58:16.510" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually ask, &quot;Sorry, can you repeat that?&quot; if I'm talking to my superiors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To my peers, or friends, I'd say, &quot;Sorry?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid being seen as rude by repeatedly asking them to repeat, you may explain what the reason is: &quot;I'm sorry I have trouble hearing. Can you speak a little louder for me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way is to repeat back to them what you think you heard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John: I'd like to order two large pizzas and a medium fries.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You:  I have a little troubling hearing. Two large twisters, did you say?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  John: No, I mean pizzas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Assuming it's possible to mishear as Twisters. Pizzas and Twisters are two items on the KFC menu in the UAE.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-02T18:35:01.983" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T18:35:01.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3192" CreationDate="2017-09-02T16:33:36.007" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can certainly prevent coming off as rude by owning the problem and apologizing appropriately. But you can't prevent them from getting annoyed unless you entertain them while asking or you can make them feel they're doing you a kindness in some way. Asking for 4 repetitions is a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you say should change for each repetition of the request. (Vary as you see fit.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First request: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, could you repeat that, [optional: please]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second request:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, it's very noisy here. Could you please repeat that for me again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third request: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm so sorry, I still didn't get that. I must be going as deaf as a tree/doorknob/post/[whatever]!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourth request: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I apologize for the inconvenience. You've been so kind. Do you want to try again, or should I get someone else for you? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think it's a bit over the top, I don't think there's any way around it. You're in the service industry. As such, your boss really ought to upgrade your receiver as well to accommodate your impairment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-02T17:00:12.217" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T17:00:12.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2374" CreationDate="2017-09-02T19:28:23.663" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I thought I shared my parking experiences in NYC. I had to parallel park in really crowded roads many times. It can be rather stressful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am assuming you had your parking lights on indicating you aren't part of that flow of traffic. This helps other drivers know that you are looking for parking and/or you have found a spot. Most drivers are understanding as they have been in your situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that the woman saw you. This means the woman knows you are looking for a spot. There is a good chance she will be accommodating. Most drivers are because, again, they have been in your situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 1: You pull over and wait, like you did in the picture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 2: (I've seen this happen quite often in NYC) If you made eye-contact and she's not too far from you, before she gets in her car, you quickly roll down your window and without having to shout you say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me ma'am, are you leaving?, Mind if I take your spot?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not leaving yet&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It will be a while  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you say thank you and drive away. You have just saved yourself some time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you weren't able to ask her before she got in her car,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 3: The moment she's in her car, you pull alongside, roll down your car's passenger's window and either you or your friend say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me miss/ma'am, are you leaving/pulling out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not ask how soon or how long even though I had people ask me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me miss/ma'am,  mind asking if you are about to leave?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, saying &quot;Excuse me&quot;, &quot;Mind if I ask..&quot; and &quot;Sir/Ma'am&quot; makes the question more polite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the windows are down you can gesture for her to roll down her windows from inside your car indicating that you want to ask a question, perhaps gently knocking on your window so you grab her attention.  Most drivers will roll down their window. Then you ask her politely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T19:28:23.663" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2374" CreationDate="2017-09-02T20:12:54.830" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key question would be, &lt;strong&gt;how long can you wait right there before you begin to block the flow of traffic going in your direction?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because, the woman is not required to leave anytime soon and you said that it is not really feasible to ask her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since her car is already &quot;on the spot&quot; she shall decide when to leave. If you can wait that long without blocking traffic, then &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; get the spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or else you must move on!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T20:12:54.830" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2951" CreationDate="2017-09-02T21:40:16.540" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's all about brightening each other's day&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like some of the answers here especially by Dennis and threetimes. One thing I would add, however, that may run contrary to what you are asking is that sometimes accepting gifts from others is actually a way of showing kindness to that other person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to have trouble accepting things for free and still do to an extent. Though I am not completely sure why that is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, one thing I have learned is that by accepting gifts from others it actually helps to brighten the other person's day. I have had to realize that it is not just about me it is about the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am not suggesting you start accepting gifts from everyone it might be something to keep in mind that in some situations accepting the gift might be very meaningful to the other person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, if it's a place you shop frequently, use this as an opportunity to get to know the people better. Dennis gave some good advice in saying &quot;I insist&quot;. Many people respect that type of firmness and authority that it shows especially when done in a friendly way with a smile on your face. Once they accept your payment, change the topic and find out a couple of things about the other person and give them the opportunity to find out a couple things about you if they so choose. Doing that helps to build relationship and connection with the other person and will likely help to brighten both your and the other person's day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4861" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T21:40:16.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3033" CreationDate="2017-09-02T23:16:18.627" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;At this point in time, most people are quite clueless about the subject. And we can only hope that out of these people, most are decent people who are quite clueless about the subject. Who would try to behave in a decent way if they encounter transgender people in their professional (or private) life, but may get things wrong because they are clueless. And who would be annoyed if accusations are made against them when they behave in a well-meaning but clueless way. (I once dared asking what a fifth letter following LBGT meant, and got the most vitriolic replies. Pissed me right off. Fortunately I'm adult enough to be pissed off with the people giving nasty answers, and not with the members of that fifth letter group). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So let's say your boss starts a talk like this: &quot;Hi everyone, I was roped in to do a talk about transgenders. At that time when I was asked to do the talk, I had no clue. Probably like most of you. So I asked around and found out lots of things. One of the first things that I found was that transgender people find the word &quot;transgenders&quot; insulting. Just like you wouldn't talk about black people as &quot;blacks&quot; today. The correct way is &quot;transgender people&quot;, or &quot;trans people&quot; if you want to appear as if you know everything.&quot; And so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That kind of talk could go down very well with well-meaning but clueless people, and actually help them understanding things and acting in a positive way, because it doesn't look like it comes from some obsessively &quot;politically correct&quot; person, but from a decent human being who took the time and effort to learn about an important subject and is now willing to share what he learned. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-09-02T23:16:18.627" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3204" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3205" CreationDate="2017-09-02T23:48:22.170" Score="13" ViewCount="1279" Body="&lt;p&gt;People with Asperger's on this site refer to themselves as Aspies.  Is this a term that should be used only by people with Asperger's? Or can neurotypicals (NTs, a term I learned only a few days ago) use it too, and if so, are there conditions under which it is OK and other conditions under which it is not OK?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not in any way implying that there is something wrong with Asperger's or with the term Aspie.  But because of the &lt;strong&gt;ie&lt;/strong&gt; ending, it seems overly familiar unless one knows the person fairly well.  For example, if I knew someone named &lt;em&gt;Katherine&lt;/em&gt;, I would not call her &lt;em&gt;Katie&lt;/em&gt; unless/until she told me to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T16:58:28.990" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T16:58:28.990" Title="When is it appropriate and when is it inappropriate for a neurotypical (NT) to refer to a person with Asperger's as an Aspie?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-11-22T09:43:07.030" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3204" CreationDate="2017-09-03T00:21:47.747" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tend to only use the term &quot;aspie&quot; to refer to myself or with other people on the spectrum in a familiar inclusive or joking context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Self reference:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm an aspie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Familiar inclusive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Aspies gotta stick together!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Aspies of the world unite! Separately, in your own homes, if you feel like it....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never really heard anyone use it as a pejorative, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone out there has...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess it is something of an &quot;in term&quot; meaning that I haven't heard people who aren't on the spectrum use it much. I personally am not bothered when NT's use it, but when I hear it my first assumption is that the person saying it is also an aspie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T00:21:47.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2342" CreationDate="2017-09-03T00:55:40.013" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;With reference to the previous answer &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it really important that he become more self-aware?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the happiness of both, I think the answer is yes. Somebody disconnected from reality (even from their personal inner &quot;reality&quot;) suffers shocks and frustrations every time reality defeats the personal beliefs; @threetimes wants to protect her husband from these defeats and from the hurt they would cause him and her as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this in mind, and since making him &quot;more self-aware&quot; is what she aims for, she should look for the aspects where his lack of self awareness is more likely to cause harm. I suggest picking just one particular problem, and dealing with it specifically (e.g. &quot;did you realize how disappointed was your brother you didn't visit him?&quot;) rather than addressing &quot;self-knowledge&quot; in general. It seems that not liking small talk, or travel, are not in that category. So, she should wisely choose her &quot;battles&quot; -- i.e. the aspects of their life where more self-awareness, or possibly awareness of the feelings of others, would help. As an aside, it does seem the husband is also ignoring the constant disappointment he is causing his wife by not sharing outings, trips, social occasions with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@threetimes One thing you could do to understand what to you must be so baffling is to try to find out if his likes and dislikes are not actually true of a much earlier time in his life. I don't know if there is a scientific term for this, but mature men do seem to harbor a longing for life as &quot;boys&quot;, life before the age of responsibilities. Perhaps he simply remembers that he loved small talk, traveling, etc back when he was young and careless. Perhaps he would actually enjoy them now too, with those people from the past. So from his point of view, he is the same, only the world around is more boring and more unpleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@threetimes I have seen in men around me some of what you describe. They say if you marry a man expecting to change him you are a fool, and I agree. But men --husbands-- do change, a little, and slowly, if they care about you and if they see you also care about them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4865" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T00:55:40.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3204" CreationDate="2017-09-03T02:01:17.760" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; wouldn't use it myself not because of the familiarity, but because the term seems to change the way things can be phrased.  I tried it in my head 100 times and couldn't come up with a way that felt like it would be appropriate for &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; to use it &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; it removed the ability to say the term as something someone has versus what someone &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt;.  I do not feel personally comfortable as an &quot;outsider&quot; (NT) using a term that makes that level of change into &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you use the term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this specific word situation though I do wish I felt more comfortable using it as Aspergers happens to be one of those few words in English that makes me stumble a little every time I say it.  So I have to slow down, enunciate, etc and invariable it never flows well for me to use the word at all.  In fact, it often sounds like I am putting some weird accentuation on the word I don't intend to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T02:01:17.760" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3189" CreationDate="2017-09-03T02:19:20.910" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It can be difficult at busy times to find a time then to add in things that help reduce stress.  I know this.  I have to just force myself to make time to do certain things, no matter how hard it is to work them in.  For &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; (just as an example) I meditate, sometimes I walk (but when walking, I need to get energy out, so it's not a leisurely walk, it's more like speed walking), I find someone I can talk it through with, etc.  You just have to find what it is that makes &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel less wound up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you are keeping yourself in correct thinking.  Try to avoid saying things like &quot;they asked the wrong question at the wrong time&quot;, because that is part of letting yourself snap.  It places the responsibility on them to know what is a right or wrong question and what timing is right or wrong, for you.  They likely cannot know this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be open about your situation.  You can preemptively tell those you live with that right now is a really stressful time, etc, and please don't interrupt me until 7pm, or whatever time.  That helps everyone involved to minimize the friction if you know you need to be left alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to make time to be with the other people you live with when you can.  You will get less interruption, etc if you make a little time to interact.  They can ask you things or tell you things during that time, and interact.  They might interrupt simply because they hope to see you.  If you pick times to go seek them out, sometimes that means they feel important and they seek you out less.  It doesn't usually need to be a lot of time, just that you made an effort to connect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give yourself grace and forgiveness.  Even though you can &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that how you reacted was wrong.  You can apologize, own it, and move on.  If you beat yourself up, you generally &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; do better because you are keeping a negative thought process in your head and that isn't likely to reduce stress or improve reactions.  Instead it adds to the stress and keeps you there.   So once you have acknowledged that you need to do better, let it go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I have tried to train myself when stressed to take 3 deep breaths before I respond to anything.  It gives me a little pause to calm my body down and regain my better control of my brain so my mouth is under my control more too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T02:19:20.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3211" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-09-03T07:39:10.750" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;My relationship with my ex-husband is perfectly fine. We occasionally talk to each to other on the phone, and if my home needs a simple repair job I will ask him and he always comes. We stopped arguing and fighting when we separated, leaving him was the best thing I ever did, I saved my sanity and my life. But his mother... there are some things you never forget and never forgive, and I vowed I would never speak to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hadn't spoken to my ex-mother-in-law for nearly ten years when I was invited to my son's girlfriend's graduation party. His grandmother knew his girlfriend and had invited her home for dinner many times.  I knew and liked his girlfriend immensely, and I had already met her family a couple of times. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my son invited me to the party, a restaurant do, he told me that his grandmother would also be attending. He knew the resentment, hurt, and, ultimately, ill-feeling I had towards her, but he didn't keep her presence at the party a secret. So I knew that she was going to be there, and my ex-husband was also coming. I asked my son only one thing not to be seated at the same table as his grandmother. He said he would try. In the end, my ex-husband didn't show up (which was very typical), and my M.I.L and I were indeed seated at the same table but at least not next to each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point I'm making is that my son told me my &quot;nemesis&quot; was at the graduation party. By telling me beforehand a scene was avoided, and because we were celebrating a happy occasion I broke my vow and exchanged a few words with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell your mother.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has the right to know. This silence has nothing to do with keeping a surprise a secret. It is about your mother being in a confined space with a person she has huge issues with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping silent is betraying her trust in you, her own son. Tell your father you are going to tell your mother and your step father and she/they will decide whether or not to meet an old &quot;friend&quot;, someone whom she has not met or kept contact with in 40 years (Have they ever exchanged emails or texts? Have they ever talked on the phone?). It seems unlikely that your mother still considers him an &quot;old friend&quot; after all these years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T09:58:16.060" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T09:58:16.060" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="130" CreationDate="2017-09-03T08:45:08.797" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I never do ___ on the first encounter&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. Nicely and directly, looking the person in the eye, neither too assertively, nor apologetically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll fell better if it's not a lie, and you keep to this policy. Of course, you may have a regret or two. If you want to allow yourself an exception, you can follow up with &quot;..but if we meet a second time on this bus then the rule won't apply&quot; (this will require quick thinking) or  &quot;if we meet again in 1 minute at the cafe on the corner..&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also say something funny like &lt;strong&gt;&quot;My mother/grandmother/teacher told me not to ____&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;; you must be or look mature enough to be sure this will be taken as a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4865" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T08:45:08.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3213" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3417" CreationDate="2017-09-03T09:32:13.130" Score="124" ViewCount="26036" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work as a researcher in a very abstract field of Mathematics (&lt;a href=&quot;https://doi.org/10.2178/jsl/1208359058&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this kind of thing&lt;/a&gt;) It is very pure Mathematics, without any concrete applications. When I meet somebody for the first time, they often ask me about my job and they want to know the details: What are you working right now? OK, you just wrote a paper, but about what? What theorem did you prove?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the abstractness of my field, and since those people usually have at most a vague memory of High School math, the only sincere answer would be: I cannot explain it to you because you would have to know a bunch of stuff you do not know, and I cannot teach you those stuff either, because it would takes years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course such an answer would be rude. So my question is: How could I deal politely in such situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTES:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that many users have interpreted the question as: &quot;How can I explain my job as a mathematician to the average person?&quot;. I appreciate the efforts, however, that is not my intended question. The question is how can I politely deal in those situation &lt;strong&gt;since&lt;/strong&gt; I cannot explain my job. Note also that my question is about when people ask &lt;strong&gt;details&lt;/strong&gt; about my job. Of course if they just want a short answer, that is not a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Many answers are of the kind &quot;you should be able to give a vague explanation…&quot;, and some even say &quot;if you cannot explain to everyone then you do not understand it...&quot; I kindly invite those who think so to try to explain the material that I linked to the average Joe.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4874" LastEditorUserId="6144" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T11:26:21.983" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T17:50:33.200" Title="How to deal politely with people asking about your job but unable to understand it?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="26" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3214" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3230" CreationDate="2017-09-03T09:55:37.207" Score="9" ViewCount="641" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am at a café, and I can't help myself from hearing strangers conversation at the next  table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two well-dressed persons (A and B) are doing their best to make C (older, unshaved and awkwardly dressed) sign a shady (yet legal) pyramid-like contract. C almost does not get to say a word, is hesitant, yet A/B are much more skilled communicators, and C is reduced into acquiescing that &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; signing would be stupid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a total outsider with zero experience with these kind of schemes except what I have read from them on Wikipedia,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Should I mind my own business and not intervene?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Should I intervene? If yes how can I help C get an exit option while not infuriating A, B, C?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A, B, C are only customers in the café, presumably they came to have this meeting. None seem physically dangerous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-10T09:32:39.770" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T10:43:59.737" Title="Intervene in private conversation where a person seems to be manipulated" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;japan&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3192" CreationDate="2017-09-03T11:13:49.847" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 50% deaf in my left ear, I can only hear the telephone using my right ear, and if there is any external noise it can be a real challenge to carry a conversation on my smartphone. Over the years I've realised I rely quite heavily on facial clues and lip reading when there is a lot of external noise, so I do sympathise with your plight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;easy tip&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Check the volume on the phone and turn it up to maximum, it could be as simple as that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First time you ask&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'm sorry, &lt;strong&gt;I didn't quite catch that&lt;/strong&gt;. Could you repeat that please?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second&lt;/strong&gt;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'm so sorry, it's quite noisy in the restaurant at the moment. &lt;strong&gt;Could you repeat that more slowly, please&lt;/strong&gt;?  I don't want to get your order wrong. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third, and hopefully, last time&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;So let me double check this. That's 3 large colas, 2 cheeseburgers, and 1 double burger. Is that right?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have half-guessed correctly, the customer should confirm. If you have got one or more orders wrong they will usually correct you and place greater stress on the requested item more carefully, and quite unconsciously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T11:13:49.847" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-03T11:35:06.993" Score="105" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a mathematician too. I think there are two important things to keep in mind: the first is that asking what someone does is just a polite question. The second is that they are probably very aware that they lack knowledge about higher mathematics. You don't need to tell them current exact research interest to answer the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I do is tell them my general area: random graphs, and then a few very simplified sentences about that area. In my case, I say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Graphs are objects that consist of dots, that we call vertices, and edges that connect two dots. To create a random graph, for every two vertices I flip a coin and if it shows heads, I add an edge, tails I don't add an edge. My job is to study properties of these random graphs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your area is abstract algebra, you could say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Integers have the property that we can add them, subtract them, and there is a zero that doesn't change the number we add it to. I study the properties of other objects that you also can add, subtract, and have a zero.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your area is topology, you could say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is a little bit like very stretchy geometry. Imagine that all objects are made of some really stretchy material, so you can deform them however you like, as long as you don't cut and new holes or glue any pieces together. I look at what properties remain the same when you deform these objects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these explanations are highly simplified: an undergrad taking their first course in the subject would have more understanding than I give in those short explanations. But, they give the asker some buzzwords and the ability to think &quot;Tzason studies stretchy geometry&quot;, in the same way they think &quot;Lisa teaches high school biology&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this, most people are perfectly satisfied. There might be a follow-up question, like &quot;what kind of properties&quot;, which you can answer by taking a simple property, like connectedness in graph theory, or commutativity in abstract algebra, or number of holes in topology. They want a simplified explanation of your job, kind of like I know that an accountant works with an organization's budget, and a corporate lawyer advises a company on business law, and a translator translates things. There are a ton of details and complexities to all those jobs that I don't understand, and that I wouldn't expect them to tell me during a social chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we keep talking about work, I tend to steer it towards the teaching part of my job which is easier to discuss, and maybe throw in some comments about bureaucracy. Everyone can relate to the complaint about having to fill in 50-page forms to get reimbursed for a trip, or that time when you spilled tea down your shirt right before teaching the first class of the semester.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3844" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T13:10:47.727" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T13:10:47.727" CommentCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3220" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-03T12:06:56.370" Score="4" ViewCount="1418" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine (20-30) was recently admitted into hospital for minor surgery. When we visited him a few days later he was certainly better, but then the next day he told me that he was in pain and begged me to take him home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I arrived, he was experiencing recurring headaches and occasional vomiting. I stayed throughout the day and heard him screaming and crying every time a headache struck. Eventually, the pain seemed to subside, so I decided not to stay the night and to visit him the next morning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the morning, he asked to be discharged from hospital, despite not completing the therapy and still suffering from headaches and bouts of vomiting. His wanting to leave was against common sense: &lt;em&gt;He should've waited until the treatment was ended and the symptoms were gone.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But he begged me in a very &quot;painful voice&quot;. He kept saying &lt;em&gt;please&lt;/em&gt;. As a result, I found myself giving in to his request and helped him pack his things. Let's say the journey home was not enjoyable...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually common sense tells me what to do. But in this case, I couldn't help but think of relieving my best friend from pain (although I believe it won't help him) by granting his request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that he should have stayed at hospital. &lt;strong&gt;But next time,&lt;/strong&gt; when a friend begs me to help him leave hospital&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to effectively say no to his request, especially since he was unable to take a better judgment due to his pain?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Logic seems out of option - he seemed to be in great pain, and it clouded his better judgment. Inquiry about his pain cannot produce a meaningful result due to unclear response and very soft voice. The symptoms actually are very confusing, because it happened suddenly and seemed to be unrelated to the surgery (knee vs head). The doctors could not give a satisfying answer and seemed to be only guessing, so it might add to his rage quitting the hospital.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt; The doctor dismissed the symptoms as post-surgery effect. However, they were puzzled by their appearance because of the unrelated location. I also find it hard to believe.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe the symptoms will subside and disappear after several days, and he's not in any danger of dying, but I'm concerned about how he'll cope alone because no one is able to take care of him on weekdays. He's technically living &quot;alone&quot; with no next of kin nearby, and friends are unavailable during the day because of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T10:19:02.140" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T12:50:06.023" Title="How do I say &quot;no&quot; to an ill friend who wants to leave hospital?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3221" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-03T12:44:44.367" Score="192" ViewCount="56363" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am usually very secretive about my income. No one really knows how much I make and I was taught to never talk about money to friends. I make about ten times what my boyfriend does. He's also a professional and makes good money himself. We've discussed money before but I've always just avoided the subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He often offers to pay for things and I try to go halfsies with him because I feel bad, but he sometimes insists because he's the guy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been dating for three months now and I don't like hiding things from him. Like this week I did contract renegotiations with clients and it was stressing me out and it went so well and I couldn't explain all the details why I just had to be really vague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My biggest fear is that this will change things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What if he treats me differently?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What if he doesn't like that I earn more than he does?  &quot;Guys must look after girls&quot; and all that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that I'm probably over reacting to this and it'll probably be fine but I am really stressed about telling him about this and how it will go and if it's the right time. I don't want to make a big deal of it either, I just want him to know and then we go back to normal. How do I do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're in our 20s, in the United Kingdom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4879" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T17:44:50.673" LastActivityDate="2019-12-10T07:58:58.013" Title="How do I tell my new boyfriend that I make a lot of money?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="30" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-03T13:30:04.043" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why are you trying to protect them from not understanding? Why are other people suggesting all kinds of patronizing pre-screening questions? I would never ask something as specific as &quot;what theorem did you prove?&quot; if I wasn't prepared for you to reply with a mathematical theorem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps they're asking because they find titles in fields they don't know funny. Perhaps they know more than you think. Just answer them the same way you would a colleague who knows as much as you do. It would be nice if you had a nontechnical sentence that explains why this is something to be proud of, such as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;this settles a dispute that's been open since a paper by [someone they may have heard of] in 1954&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;this neatly ties together two famous theorems by explaining how they're related &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;this is the final detail in a long string of explorations and means I am likely to have my research fully funded for another 10 years&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's a sufficiently important result that I am sure to get tenure next year&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am mostly excited to have proven my arch enemy wrong&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you give your technical answer and the person exclaims that they can't understand a word of it, you can laugh and ask them something about their work instead. You're under no obligation to offer to explain or try to get someone up to a graduate-level understanding of your field over the course of a single party. But refusing to say words because you're sure the person you're talking to wouldn't understand them is a terrible way to manage a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just this morning I asked someone working on a PhD in quantum physics about the presentation he's scheduled to give. He told me it was on Doppler-free spectroscopy models, to which I said &quot;oh yeah, I hate when my spectroscopy models get all Doppler-y.&quot; He then gave me a two-sentence explanation which made perfect sense - though he was able to draw on his background knowledge: that I knew what the Doppler effect was, that room temperature atoms are moving a lot faster than the cold atoms used in a lot of quantum stuff, and what spectroscopy is. Still, having to add those explanations wouldn't have been super difficult. Perhaps you think your work is harder than that, and perhaps it is. But that's why I suggest you focus on the &lt;strong&gt;reasons your work matters&lt;/strong&gt; more than the technical details of how it works. Everyone can relate to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-09-04T15:25:28.377" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T15:25:28.377" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3223" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3224" CreationDate="2017-09-03T13:49:45.077" Score="42" ViewCount="5838" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the Netherlands, it seems to be quite common lately to hire some students, put them on a busy main street or outside a supermarket, and have them target every passerby by asking 'Can I ask you something?'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These people are always selling stuff I am not interested in (newspaper subscriptions, services that deliver food to your house every week) or they are trying you to sign up to become a permanent donor for a charity (in which I am also not interested). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My approach so far has always been:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not make eye contact&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Continue walking without changing pace/trajectory (unless one jumps in front of me, then I swerve)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reply 'You just did' (gentle, joking tone of voice, smile on my face) if they ask me 'Can I ask you something'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, this either generates a weird look if somebody doesn't get the joke, or a chuckle if they do. Even bystanders seem to like it. But yesterday, a lady came to me saying that what I was doing was very impolite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there any better ways to dismiss street vendors? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-04-03T14:35:34.447" LastActivityDate="2019-04-04T08:40:36.527" Title="Appropriate ways to dismiss street vendors?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3224" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3223" CreationDate="2017-09-03T14:08:09.530" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put yourself in the shoes of the person who is making a very small salary trying to get you to sign up for things. They need to get a certain number of &quot;yes&quot; over the course of a day. They know they will get a lot of &quot;no&quot;. The ideal no is fast and is not rude or hurtful. A slow no may be of some value if it causes other people to gather round and one of them may be a yes. A rude no just makes the job miserable and soul destroying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a rude no?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get out of my way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;can't you get a real job instead of blocking the sidewalk bothering people?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;[to other passersby] these things are all scams, stay away!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;any kind of joke making fun of their script, costume etc&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You think that &quot;you just did&quot; is funny, but it really says &quot;I'm smarter than you, so I am mocking you and frustrating your purpose at the same time!&quot; I agree with the lady who told you it was rude. There's no need for it, you just went out of your way to make a joke at the expense of someone who has an unpleasant job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not interested, don't be interested. Keep on going and let them do their job. Your first two bullets are perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T14:08:09.530" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3223" CreationDate="2017-09-03T14:09:40.283" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they approach you, you can always just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not interested, thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That could still be considered a little rude (although for the Netherlands, it's probably fine), but less rude than simply ignoring them (or making a joke at their expense).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A middle ground between this and ignoring them would be looking at them and shaking your head (in an &quot;I'm not interested&quot;-kind of way, not in an &quot;I'm judging you so hard right now&quot; way).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of these can be somewhat awkward if the person is not actually trying to sell you something but is rather just trying to e.g. get directions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be even less rude, you'd need to actually hear them out (but who has time for that...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally tend to opt for just ignoring them, but I also don't really care if they think I'm rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T14:20:18.377" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T14:20:18.377" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3226" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2017-09-03T15:02:10.910" Score="1" Body="&lt;h3&gt;It's a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microaggression&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;microaggression&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using a male collective noun to refer to a group implies that you think the 'default' member of the group is male, and any exceptions aren't important enough for you to break your habits and use a more accurate, more inclusive term.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In isolation, this is 'not a big deal'.  It's not abuse, it's not a slur, it's not deliberate and conscious exclusion.  But microaggressions happen all day every day, from a thousand different sources, and taken together, they form an exhausting  background noise to the tune of 'if you are not male, you are not one of us'.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason it's considered socially acceptable is because the people who are bothered by it don't want to speak out.  They run the risk of being labeled 'abrasive' or 'uppity', and even if &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; stop, their life won't perceptibly improve until &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; stops.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;No one will call you on it, but you can do better.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4885" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T15:02:10.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3214" CreationDate="2017-09-03T15:18:33.207" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's hard to read the dynamics of the situation from your question. It's a bit unclear what sort of shady deal is going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To save yourself, it would be obvious to stay away from it, i.e. mind your own business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're sure that there's something bad going on, you may contact some security or authorities and report that you happened to overhear something suspicious. Then leave the rest to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Directly getting yourself involved in it isn't necessary in this case. There's no emergency I believe. It's not a case of someone choking their food, or falling down unconscious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides, who knows what kind of people those two are! Maybe they're Mafia? Who knows!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T18:12:27.143" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T18:12:27.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3220" CreationDate="2017-09-03T15:44:14.660" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If him staying in the hospital is beneficial to his health, I would not support his decision to leave. &#xA;The question is whether the doctors have done every test possible and decided that his headaches and pain is merely a symptom of his surgery recovery and not an indication of something worse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first case, I would try to be strong for him, and help him understand that despite the doctors not having a solution to the immediate problem, staying and continuing the tests is beneficial. &#xA;Hospital stay for many is insufferable but for me I've found that with the proper support, either you being there playing board games or him having a laptop to play / watch movies on, staying in the hospital can be seen as a vacation from the worries of the daily routine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the case is the second case, that the pain is just a symptom and will go away on it's own, I would support his decision to go home. Pain is temporary and you forget that you had it once it goes away, the best way to alleviate it is to ignore it by having fun and distracting yourself. That's a lot easier to accomplish at home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your friendship, in both cases I believe a true friend would want the best medical result, even if it means losing the friendship. &#xA;But that's not really a risk because as it may be hard now to explain to your friend why you're making this decision which he hates, he isn't thinking clearly because of pain and worries. Once he will recover he will be able to listen to your logic and understand that all you wanted was for his best, and hopefully he will understand. &#xA;I know that if I was him, I would much prefer a friend who works against me in my favor than one who enables me in my own destruction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had many complex surgeries with weeks of pain and recovery, and for the most part, I handle it alone and don't ask (or even tell) my friends about what's going on. The fact that he has confided in you in this time means that the friendship is strong and he does want your help coping with the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when in extreme pain we revert to a more primitive state, (I've seen this in cognitive elders who cry out for their mothers despite knowing that they are long gone).&#xA;If you do think staying in the hospital is the right choice, being strong and assertive, without bargaining or discussing the option of going home, can be a good method of passing the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4608" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T15:44:14.660" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2883" CreationDate="2017-09-03T15:50:35.627" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(please read the last lines as well)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am uber-rational, PhD in Physics by education and atheist. Why people believe in religions has interested me for a long time, from the sociological perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This interest started after a heated, few-months long discussion with a friend about religion. I was the &quot;just think about this a moment and you will see that it is bonkers&quot; guy (together with a heap of examples, counter examples, you name it). He was coming from a very religious family and the beliefs were passed on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few months he gave up and agreed that his faith did not make sense. I was proud of my contribution to the advancement of civilization and science.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He changed a lot, became less happy and ultimately got into a severe depression (he recovered, but it took some time). He had a bunch of problems but, from our discussions afterwards, it was clear that his rationalization (and abandon of religion) was a key reason (he had nothing against me, we are still very good friends).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is to say that, sometimes, it is good not to let people think too much about philosophical aspects. I am perfectly fine with the fact that when I die it is over. A switch flipped and &lt;em&gt;poof&lt;/em&gt;. Some people may be terrified if they do not have an afterlife to hold to. And this is fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This answer does not answer your question, it gives another perspective.&lt;/strong&gt; Your question is about science and I strongly believe that in the ocean of complete stupidity we swim in, good science must be promoted. That people who may influence how our world is managed (voters?) should be enlightened, even if it does not work everytime. Specifically, the ones whose claims are dangerous (anti-vaxxers, cancer-treating herbologists or other similar yahoos) must have someone who will state another perspective (yes, the correct one). Otherwise their position will prevail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So now to answer your question: choose your battles.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not care about someone who buys a 25 EUR homeopathic thing to cure a cold. It will be cured anyway.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I do care about the one who will use homeopathy to cure a real illness of his child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not care about the mass at the church and people saying that &quot;God will help us&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I do care when religion influences the physics school book or that they do not get an insurance because of the said help which ultimately fails to come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things are just worth battling for, others not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastEditorUserId="1871" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T20:31:07.100" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T20:31:07.100" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3230" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3214" CreationDate="2017-09-03T15:59:08.850" Score="6" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's none of your business.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It could be risky, if the guys are mafia, or otherwise shady.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps you could help, though.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I advise looking at the law. Here, for instance, if a salesman comes into your home and you sign, you have 14 days to walk out of the contract, because there were too many cases of salesmen putting their foot in the door and strong-arming the elderly  into what is, basically a con job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not the case if you sign outside of your home, or in a shop, because in this case it would be assumed that you went there of your own free will with an intention to purchase. Thus there is no grace period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, the usual tactic is to put the foot in the door, then talk people into having a ride to the shop &quot;Let's go into the showroom! You must see all our nice granite countertops!&quot; (note: quote from actual experience).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will then bring you there using their own car so you can't get out until you sign for a €30000 kitchen (actual price also from experience, this happened to my parents, who didn't sign obviously).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, &lt;strong&gt;know the law&lt;/strong&gt;. If you know that the &quot;client&quot; is entitled to a 1-2 weeks grace period where he can walk out of the contract scot-free, then you can simply mention this to him after they leave, no need to interact with the con artists, &lt;strong&gt;just catch up with him in the street or in the toilet&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And just in case, if they really feel like con artists, write down some information and perhaps talk to the cops. There are also associations of victims of such shady deals which would be willing to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I have applied a more direct approach in the past:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Walk to the table, sit down, and say &quot;Hey, this looks like a good deal, I was looking at something like that, mind if I read the brochure?&quot; Try to sound genuinely interested, be a good sucker, enthusiastic at first, then as you read the fine print, casually criticize it, &quot;Hmm... this clause looks like it could be really expensive. Hmm, wow, on second thought this deal doesn't sound that profitable...&quot; (ask the victim what they think) &quot;Of course I read the fine print, I'm a lawyer.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, I've done this before, they were selling Time-Share appartments. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/3952419/dozens-arrested-over-timeshare-scam-that-saw-500-brits-conned-out-of-life-savings-in-multi-million-pound-costa-del-sol-racket/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Never&lt;/a&gt; buy &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.timeshareconsumerassociation.org.uk/2016/02/25/the-timeshare-mart-con/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;these&lt;/a&gt;, it's a really &lt;a href=&quot;https://timesharespecialists.com/timeshare-con-artist-tells-all/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;bad&lt;/a&gt; deal. The salesmen recruited us in the street, and we went along since we were curious. Obviously I knew what I was getting into. They brought us to visit the premises, offered drinks and toasts, then the &quot;clients&quot; were corraled into an open-space office like cattle and the professionals were let loose on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Game on! I made sure the two couples in the cubicles on the left and right overheard as we offered insight on the fine print. After they (promptly) left, the guy in front of me (who was beginning to sweat) left and his boss sat down instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gotta give him credit: he eyed us for like two seconds, then paid for the taxi back home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Summary: Two couples saved from a con worth north of 30k, plus all the others whom I made sure to whisper to during the visit, &quot;You know timeshare is a mOney sinkhole, right? We're just here for the drinks.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not do this if you cannot mentally disassemble a salesmen' argument in real time. But then again I used to have my office next to the same kind of guys, so practice makes perfect...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T15:59:08.850" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3231" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-03T16:39:13.187" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Alright, I'm gonna sound like a jerk again, but here we go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's the kind of guy to take advantage of your higher income, you want to know this sooner rather than later. Thus, delaying does not help. Also, if you lie to him for too long, he could get offended when you tell him. I mean, there are many ways he could interpret this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't trust him with the money (harmful to the relationship)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't trust his fragile male ego to handle the fact you earn more (harmful to fragile male ego)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He could ask &quot;does this come from previous experience?&quot; for example you had an ex-bf use you as a cash cow, and your cautiousness is understandable. But if you feel an argument coming and blurt a lie about the non-existent ex-bf who used you as a cash cow, then it's a slippery slope...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've been dating for three months now and I don't like hiding things from him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't like it, yet you do it, thus you must have a reason. Find this reason and you will have your answer, I can't read your mind from here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he treats me differently?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if he treats you better because he's proud of having an amazing GF?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he doesn't like that I earn more than he does? &quot;Guys must look after girls&quot; and all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Looking after girls&quot; isn't just about money, it's all the little details. For example after that stressful contract negociation I'm sure a backrub would have been nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to be the type to like being in control, to care about your career and be proud of your achievements. I strongly advise against bossing him around at home because you make more, though. If you're a successful manager at work, drop the role at home. Just relax. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that I'm probably over reacting to this and it'll probably be fine but I am really stressed about telling him about this and how it will go and if it's the right time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, you're intelligent, so you think a lot, which can lead to overthinking and thus no decision. I think you should tell. The more you wait, the riskier it becomes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to make a big deal of it either, I just want him to know and then we go back to normal. How do I do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how do you tell? Well, there will be that embarrassing moment when you tell. You've already told important things in company meetings, board of directors etc, I presume, so just say &quot;I'd like to tell you something.&quot; After he flips out thinking you're pregnant, spill it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid any phrasing like &quot;I wasn't sure how you'd react&quot; (=lack of trust) I'd instead suggest something more positive like &quot;I was afraid to hurt your pride, or that you'd think I'm your boss or something.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T16:39:13.187" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-03T16:39:36.957" Score="96" Body="&lt;p&gt;If he's the type of person who will treat you differently once he knows, it might be good to know this sooner rather than later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He often offers to pay for things and I try to go halfsies with him because I feel bad, but he &lt;strong&gt;sometimes&lt;/strong&gt; insists because he's the guy. [emphasis mine]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; take &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt; out to dinner. Nowhere above his pay grade but someplace nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is insulted, do you want to continue this relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is pleasantly surprised, and you want to continue this relationship, tell him after the dinner that you can easily afford it. Until you're ready to make a full commitment, you need not tell him more. If he insists, you can either tell him (I would) or say politely, &quot;It doesn't matter.&quot; His reaction to those things will also inform your decisions about your future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T18:26:00.860" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T18:26:00.860" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3233" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-03T17:22:36.830" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Randal Munroe's book The Thing Explainer (xkcd.com) he uses only the most common 1000 (English) words to explain things like what a cell is and what a Nuclear Power plant is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that if you &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; explain yourself to &quot;the everyman&quot; that you either don't have a very good handle on it yourself or aren't trying hard enough. It is good that by posting here, you have recognized that that communication is &lt;em&gt;difficult&lt;/em&gt;. There is an enormous gulf between the concepts and terminology you use and the everyman's. But, on the other hand, there's a multitude of ways to go about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to have a book on Pascal (CS language) and inside the front cover were words describing some &lt;em&gt;transformations&lt;/em&gt; that characterize thought. (Things like (iirc) categorize, reduce, generalize, analogize, negate, invert, ...) There were dozens and dozens of them (and I added some to them that the author(s) had missed). I think it's &lt;em&gt;ironic&lt;/em&gt; that math is ALL about transformations (I mean, if an abstraction isn't a transformation, then what is it?) and yet many find it so difficult to transform a description of what they are working on to something the &quot;everyman&quot; can understand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that the major reason is that they're not able to see the forest through the trees. Suggestions: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If at first you don't succeed (paying attention to the feedback) don't repeat the same experiment, and keep trying. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It is virtually certain that similarly abstract mathematical problems have been 'explained' to the everyman. There are books. Learn from others but note that the art of communication can be as difficult as dealing with mathematical structures. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't be too timid to do violence to some deeply cherished truths (fundamental theorems), what's key and core to one is irrelevant and unnecessary trivia to another.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4890" LastEditorUserId="1627" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T14:04:38.470" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T14:04:38.470" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-03T18:04:45.040" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Turn the conversation into a 2-way learning experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explaining what you do to people without the background is a great learning curve which I recommend to everyone. (Not least because you never know when a conversation with someone in an utterly unrelated field will spark the idea for your next breakthrough).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I deflect or pre-empt the question away from what I'm specifically working on, to some more general point of contact with non-technicalities. The &lt;em&gt;history&lt;/em&gt; of the subject is often the easiest thing for non-specialists to engage with. Not surprisingly, this involved me first learning some history of mathematics. (&lt;a href=&quot;https://duckduckgo.com/lakatos+proofs+and+refutations&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Lakatos, Proofs &amp;amp; Refutations&lt;/a&gt; was an excellent eye-opener).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I also practise explaining &lt;em&gt;one, or two, technical things&lt;/em&gt;. In the case of mathematical logic I've tried explaining Cantor's diagonal argument to people; and I've practised using, &quot;This sentence is false&quot; to explain Gödel's incompleteness proof. Last year (studying machine learning) I practised a 90-second explanation of deep learning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adopting the role of a learner in these conversations can turn them into real conversations for both of you: &quot;Actually I find it really difficult to explain what I'm working on, but if you don't mind being a guinea pig can I try explaining ... to you&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, I apologise that I cannot resist the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Richard_Feynman#Teaching_quote&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Feynmann pseudo-quote: If you can't explain it to a first year, you haven't understood it&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4889" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T18:16:02.700" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T18:16:02.700" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3235" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-03T18:12:31.537" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe the working assumption you want to have is that he has some idea of your income if you have told him what you do for a living.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We, boyfriends, are generally competitive and like to keep abreast of what the ballpark income is for various roles and professions, and the rough differences between salaries and contract rates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On that basis I recommend you say something like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know how I do x for a living!  Well quite frankly I make a ridiculous amount of money doing that so how about from time to time you let me buy dinner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may open up the way to have a more intimate talk about money in general and future plans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3664" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T18:12:31.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3236" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3223" CreationDate="2017-09-03T18:17:13.133" Score="26" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No thanks, I'm not interested.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the boring, but correct way to react. They're busy selling something, so knowing you're so thoroughly uninterested in their product that they're definitely not going to get a sale out of you lets them move on to another target quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not wasting each other's time. This is the polite thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are bothering &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, trying to sell their product. So a small harmless joke like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You just did. Thank you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...is perfectly all right. Especially if you remain friendly and your tone of voice makes clear that you're not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you're not mean to them and don't waste their time, it's all right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T19:26:29.817" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T19:26:29.817" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-03T19:43:12.643" Score="249" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who has been the boyfriend in this scenario, tell him. I can completely understand your concerns but you need to find out sooner rather than later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he treats me differently?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might, and you need to know as soon as possible. In my situation the person had the same career as myself but had some spectacularly lucky (wise?) investments so I really had no indicator of the difference in our earnings until she told me. I was relieved. Some of her spending decisions prior to telling me seemed risky at best, after I understood her situation better they made a lot more sense. The good thing here was that she told me about it quite early on, it didn't feel like she had been keeping a secret, it was just something that hadn't come up. If it was two years in before she told me then I think I would've felt hurt. Not only this but let's say he reacts poorly, is jealous or emasculated by your success. Do you really want to find out after you've invested more time into the relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he doesn't like that I earn more than he does? &quot;Guys must look after girls&quot; and all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll be honest here, and I realize it doesn't reflect well on me. I'm the &quot;Guys must look after girls&quot; type of guy. Pulling chairs out, paying for dinner, and all that other slightly sexist although hopefully slightly chivalrous stuff that is frowned upon these days. This didn't change after I knew the difference in our earnings. I never paid for dinner because I thought she couldn't afford it, I paid because I liked her and I'm maybe not good at directly discussing my feelings so: &#xA;&lt;em&gt;&quot;here is some food, I hope you get that this means I like your company&quot;.&lt;/em&gt; As to this part:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he doesn't like that I earn more than he does&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good, you found out early that he's a boy, go and find a man for the time being. On the other (and more likely) hand he probably won't particularly mind, He didn't think you were on the edges of poverty before you started dating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of things I would note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There are some people who would dislike you simply because you earn more than a certain amount, I imagine you would already know if he held that view but it is perhaps worth considering.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Letting him &quot;in on a secret&quot; might be a good way of telling him. This way you're showing trust in him, and can explain why you don't want &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; people to know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;trust between two people takes time and effort. Giving him more trust will make it easier for him to reciprocate. Having shared secrets can be fun.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was longer than I intended and a bit meandering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tl;dr: Tell him, waiting holds no benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4895" LastEditorUserId="2855" LastEditDate="2019-12-10T07:58:58.013" LastActivityDate="2019-12-10T07:58:58.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3164" CreationDate="2017-09-03T20:01:37.507" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let him know that it greatly helped you, or would have, to have someone to talk to. You might go the extra step and say that you are willing to talk if he ever wants to that you will not judge him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If would like to probe first, you could tiptoe (ask him if you can ask a private question) Or you could try a semi-serious, half-joking, half-curious approach, and see if he reacts somewhat positively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though, In my experience, people generally tend to back off when asked about their sexuality, if they are being private about it, so I don't think you will have any success. However if you really want to ask then I tried to offer a few options that might unsettle him as little as possible. Someone else might have a better idea, though!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My recommendation on the matter is mostly &quot;developing your friendship and being available for whenever (and if) he is ready to talk about it&quot; approach, proposed in another post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a straight man, I find it sometimes bothersome, even infuriating when a gay man marries a woman and is not honest about his sexuality. However, I understand that gay men can marry and have relationships with the opposite sex, and, although I'm all for honesty and transparency, it's not for me to judge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, since your cousin probably knows that you came out not so long ago, he will probably already know that he can come and talk to you about homosexual matters, so there might not much need to push the topic upon him, if you have made yourself available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4480" LastEditorUserId="4480" LastEditDate="2017-09-03T20:34:02.477" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T20:34:02.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-03T20:47:59.097" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question was &quot;How Do I Tell&quot;, not whether to tell. If you tell, you risk not being received well and that is unavoidable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the way is to preface it with what you DO want, and without complaint or bragging. In your own words to fit your real situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I like you, I think we have a relationship going and I want it to continue. Until now I've avoided talking about my job and my pay with you, I just don't do that casually. My job is in contract negotiations between businesses. I've been doing it for years and I love it and I am very good at it. So that is a part of my life we haven't discussed, and really I keep it very private and I don't want people to know. But now that we are getting on so well, I don't want to hide such a big part of my life. Or my pay. I earn about half a million a year doing this job. I hope that kind of money doesn't change a thing about us.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="4898" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T11:33:01.650" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T11:33:01.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-03T21:00:54.237" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a guy (30) living together with my girlfriend (27). Our salaries are about the same, but she inherited a huge amount of money and properties a few years ago. We manage to treat it as it is: it's her property, I don't do anything for this. We halve our outgivings for household, car and entertainment. I don't believe money could ever cause problems in our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be honest. If he cannot handle it, consider it as a sign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4900" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T16:37:57.940" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T16:37:57.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3223" CreationDate="2017-09-03T21:14:58.380" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I'm not interested, thank you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is good enough. It may be good to know that street vendors in The Netherlands have to stop trying to sell you a product once you have made it clear that you want them to stop doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you find the above a little too rude, you can always let them say their thing first and then tell them you're not interested. You're not the only person that doesn't like street vendors and that's why they often try to keep their first message short and to the point, so it usually shouldn't take more than five seconds for them to finsih their first message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However as someone from The Netherlands myself I wouldn't consider directly saying that you're not interested rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3491" LastActivityDate="2017-09-03T21:14:58.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-04T01:04:26.170" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Invite him to something (great seats at a ball game or musical, expensive restaurant, river cruise, skiing, etc.) that is outside his price range and when he balks tell him not to worry about it, that it is your treat because 1. You want to go and 2. You want to go with him and it won't be any fun without him. He'll act surprised and you can mention that you make xx dollars a year so it isn't a problem. Don't make a big deal out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This allows you to stroke his ego while delivering the news while avoiding comparing your salary to his. Stroking his ego is important because regardless of his position on feminism, he is likely to worry that you will think less of him because he makes so much less. And, even if it doesn't seem to bother you now, he may worry that it will bother you eventually. So making it clear that you see your earnings as a good thing &lt;em&gt;for the two of you&lt;/em&gt; is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I wouldn't ask questions like &quot;does that bother you&quot; unless he really does look bothered. He's likely to be surprised, and he may take a moment to absorb it, but unless he looks angry or really upset I don't think you should make a big deal out of it. What you want to avoid is making him think that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; think it is a big deal. If the guy is husband material he won't care if you don't care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the guy is so old-fashioned that his pride won't adapt to dating a woman making more than him, you'll lose him eventually anyway so you may as well get it over with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2739" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T01:04:26.170" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3223" CreationDate="2017-09-04T02:28:31.257" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Japan nodding/bowing is really common, so it may not be as applicable in your country, but I just nod my head in their direction showing that I acknowledge them as a human being and recognize/respect their efforts, but continue walking as I am not interested.&#xA;This shows that you aren't judging them or being condescending, but rather  you really are not interested in being sold to, or are in a hurry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastEditorDisplayName="user4788" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T03:26:22.227" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T03:26:22.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-04T03:14:16.717" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first observation to make is that you're placing a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of weight on the money thing when there's no practical need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both earn comfortably more than you need from the sound of it.  This question should only be an issue if :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One of you was relatively poor (or actually poor)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your boyfriend has his ego attached to his wallet&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first one would be important as a simple matter of practicality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second reason is something I'd find unacceptable in a person I was in a relationship with, but YMMV.  It would, in your case, make money a source of tension in a relationship and I doubt it would work out if he was like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I make about ten times what my boyfriend does. He's also a professional and makes good money himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An obvious suggestion is to tell him the same way he told you the same information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or a simple remark like &quot;Just so we're being straight with each other, you told me your pay and you should know mine.&quot;  Glass of wine over dinner, waiting for the meal in a restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've discussed money before but I've always just avoided the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He often offers to pay for things and I try to go halfsies with him because I feel bad, but he sometimes insists because he's the guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see no problem here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he was poor or on welfare or something that would be different.  There is simply nothing to worry about in your or his case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've been dating for three months now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A drop in the ocean of time, believe me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and I don't like hiding things from him. Like this week I did contract renegotiations with clients and it was stressing me out and it went so well and I couldn't explain all the details why I just had to be really vague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on this I wonder if you actually do feel comfortable with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A life partner is someone you share everything with.  You seek comfort from them.  You expect support.  Not being able to say &quot;Jeez, these contract negotiations are driving me nuts !&quot; and vent to him is a sign of not trusting him.  Maybe he's not someone for the long haul if you feel that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My biggest fear is that this will change things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything changes something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he treats me differently?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Easy.  Dump him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He should not be dating your wallet and if it's a problem &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt; it's better to dump him after a short time than after you become deeply invested (emotionally !) in the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he doesn't like that I earn more than he does? &quot;Guys must look after girls&quot; and all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then he's an idiot.  Dump him.  Quick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And call me. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that I'm probably over reacting to this &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and it'll probably be fine but I am really stressed about telling him about this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again I suspect you have a sense that his ego will be in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But hiding this will simply get you both deeper involved (presumably) and if it's a problem when you announce it, e.g. a year from now, you'll be even more hurt than you will if you do it now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get.  It.  Done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let the cards fall where they may.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because they will anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and how it will go and if it's the right time. I don't want to make a big deal of it either, I just want him to know and then we go back to normal. How do I do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normal ?  Never heard of it.  Normal is whatever works for both of you and doesn't cause you or your loved ones harm.  That's pretty broad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I wonder what's &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; normal about your current situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We're in our 20s, in the United Kingdom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are kids. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it works out, you'll look back on this in twenty years and laugh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it doesn't, you won't remember his name in five years.  You probably don't believe that, but I bet there are a lot of older people reading this and nodding their heads. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-04T08:01:42.867" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T08:01:42.867" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-04T03:22:20.673" Score="45" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am usually very secretive about my income. No one really knows how much I make and I was taught to never talk about money to friends. I make about ten times what my boyfriend does. He's also a professional and makes good money himself. We've discussed money before but I've always just avoided the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is awesome. Perfect! This works well for friends, family, boy/girl-friends, weirdos, and strangers.  Unfortunately, if you're going to share your life with this person then, well, the income is part of your life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alright here we go. &lt;strong&gt;Totally double standard activate!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He often offers to pay for things and I try to go halfsies with him because I feel bad, but he sometimes insists because he's the guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him. Let him buy. Right or wrong us guys were taught that we should be able to provide. Doesn't mean that you need him to survive financially, but he will still feel that he should be able to provide. Again, it's not about having to provide; it's about ability to provide. Heck I still feel the urge to whip out my debit card when my wife and I are out, and it's a joint account.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've been dating for three months now and I don't like hiding things from him. Like this week I did contract renegotiations with clients and it was stressing me out and it went so well and I couldn't explain all the details why I just had to be really vague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;RED ALERT!! RED ALERT!!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why have a boy friend if you can't share your feelings. If it's just for sex, then there are names for that, but it's not boyfriend. If you can't share your feelings then you're in trouble. Yes three months is still new, and yes you have to let a little crazy out at a time, but you should not be in a position where you have to hide feelings. There are so many more fun things to hide. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My biggest fear is that this will change things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Change is constant. Get over it. I know that's not nice, but it will change things. It may be for the good; it may be for the worse. But change is change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he treats me differently?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like the new treatment, then look at dresses and cakes, if you don't like the new treatment then look at new boyfriends.  Simple. He is not the only man on the planet. There are others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he doesn't like that I earn more than he does? &quot;Guys must look after girls&quot; and all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What a guy wants&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really makes me surprised how many girls don't know what a guy wants. We want essentially 3 things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sex - That's easy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Emotional Balance - Shhhh it's a secret, but we have feelings too.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To be needed. This is the one you risk toying with. She doesn't need me, she can buy her own happy meal. Well most guys know there are more than a few ways to be needed. So you don't need him to be able to afford your cup-o-noodles. Make him feel needed in other areas. Pick one. Try to keep it simple. &quot;You're the best handy man, best problem fixer, you keep me sane and stable, that thing you do in the bedroom is amazing, You order the best pizza.&quot; It doesn't matter. If money is the only way he can feel needed, then it's time to move on. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Side Note&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we choose who we date, most of us guys choose women that we know can take care of themselves. We still want to be the take-er-care-er-of-er, but how many times have you heard a guy go, &quot;Wow I want to date that homeless chick, she has big knockers and could really put a strain on my wallet!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Side STORY&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I make 5 times what my wife does. She makes awesome money as well. Guess what happened. Sure as water is wet, my business hit a snag and we lived off her income for 6 months. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we are stronger for it, but back when we were dating, we discovered that she was better at getting the deals, I was better at doing the negotiating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We looked at aspects of &quot;money&quot; and picked what we were stronger at, so that the &quot;us unit&quot; could be stronger at all aspects of money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that I'm probably over reacting to this and it'll probably be fine but I am really stressed about telling him about this and how it will go and if it's the right time. I don't want to make a big deal of it either, I just want him to know and then we go back to normal. How do I do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then just drop the bomb. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Lets go out and celebrate.&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pick a place that you would normally go, one that is in his price range so he doesn't fudge his pants trying to figure out how to deal with it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I'm so excited. I finally closed the Publeys deal. Man that signing bonus is going to be nice. I mean 50k in one day. I usually have to work at least a week to get that.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Expect a bit of a jaw drop. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let him pick up the tab for dinner.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;See what happens.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Obligatory warning&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I talk about guys I mean most, normal, good, men. Not the rotten ones. There are plenty of bad men.  Also keep in mind that the notion of good and bad is based in culture.  Though I feel that the info here is generic enough to count.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-09-04T07:59:51.200" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T07:59:51.200" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3253" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3256" CreationDate="2017-09-04T04:51:19.377" Score="85" ViewCount="46109" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a handful of close friends, including my partner, who frequently text me with a completely random picture or video of something cute and/or funny that they found on the internet. For example, a 2-minute video of a pool full of puppies, or an LOL cat meme. I find this very irritating, but for years, my response has been to either ignore it and pretend I was too busy to reply, or I reply with a one-word answer, e.g., &quot;haha&quot;, &quot;lol&quot;, &quot;cute&quot;. Replying (or deciding whether to reply) is always stressful for me because it feels disingenuous, and I always waste a few moments of my life thinking &quot;Maybe I should tell them how I really feel, since they can't seem to figure it out from my lack of enthusiasm or the fact that I have never once reciprocated&quot;. But in the end, I usually go with one of my one-word answers because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I don't want them to stop texting me about other things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would estimate that this happens on average once per day from each of these friends. Sometimes they skip a day, other times I may get 5 in one day from one friend. Sometimes the pointless intrusion occurs over e-mail or Facebook, but most commonly it is over text. Sometimes the intrusions are more involved than just a picture or short video: it could be a 20-minute video or something I'm supposed to read. I have been present when &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; get such messages from each other, and it seems like their response is typically a mixture of &quot;AWWW, so cute!&quot; and &quot;Yay my friend saw a random cute/funny thing and thought of me!&quot;. So I understand that they want me to feel that way when they send me these things, and I appreciate the intent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question boils down to this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I get my friends and partner to stop texting me random cute/funny pictures/videos/links in a way that ideally won't hurt their feelings too much or cause them to stop reaching out to me in other ways that I like?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, I also need to somehow address the fact that I have been acting like it doesn't bother me for years (and maybe they even think I slightly enjoy it based on my slightly positive responses).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-04T07:12:17.557" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T09:21:39.727" Title="How to get friends/partner to stop texting me pointless pictures/videos" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3253" CreationDate="2017-09-04T05:52:45.373" Score="67" Body="&lt;p&gt;Welcome to the wise and wonderful world of being a curmudgeon. It's ok many of us stayed in the closet for years, but at some point, you just gotta embrace your inner angry old person and let it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok... Mostly joking... Mostly...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been a curmudgeon for a long time now. I have expressed open disdain and disappointment with/for lol cats for as long as that's been a thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two methods I find most successful in stopping the rising meme tide; are as you mentioned one-word responses, and finding my own darker and slightly off putting memes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The one-word responses thing simply needs to feel like a very subtle mix of indifference and being very slightly patronizing. It's as simple as replacing &quot;haha&quot; with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ha...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Meh...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a cultivated skill to use these, so tread slowly and carefully. People will accuse you of being an inhuman monster for not liking puppies in a kiddie pool. You gotta ease into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other method is a little more advanced, but it can be fun with the right sort of people. Find memes that express how you feel about the meme or video presented. If it's indifference that's heavily covered and easy to find, as are irritation, and simple mockery. I'd share a few of mine, but I'm pretty sure they would violate the &quot;be nice&quot; policy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be warned retaliatory memes are for people who can roll with cynical, sarcastic, and dark. If your people are easily upset, I would ease into the indifferent one-word responses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-04T07:53:22.133" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T07:53:22.133" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3253" CreationDate="2017-09-04T06:21:14.027" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe try being honest with them.  Instead of short replies, I say things about what I got &amp;amp; try to stay polite, but not convey any sense of enjoyment.  I might say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey so you know I am not really one to love puppies, but send me all&#xA;  the dark memes you got.  Maybe something like this...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then send them one you love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like having a laugh.  I think most people do.  If you can send me something &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; enjoy, then I am unlikely to find it so irritating.  Likewise, I don't love when someone sends me some link they want me to watch/read so we can discuss, and it's going to take 1-2 hours to look through it.  Sometimes I am open to that &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; we &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; both shown interest and this will add to the previous conversation.  More often, it's something I have no interest in at the moment and no time I am willing to devote to it.  Instead, I might say back then, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, sorry, but if I get 1-2hrs of true downtime I am dying to watch&#xA;  this movie, look at the inside of my eyelids (sleep), take a super&#xA;  long bath, etc and this is too heavy for anything I had in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And honestly, most people &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; know, know that &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; don't want to be contacted for such things because I have said so.  I am busy. When I get a ping, I don't want to stop what I am doing because I was waiting on an &lt;em&gt;important&lt;/em&gt; reply to grab my phone and see some weird thing about a cat and a bear that have become best friends.  It's not the sort of thing that helps &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; have a better day.  Now if you want to send me some meme that takes Winnie the Pooh and turns him into a Hannibal Lecter scene, have at it.  I find that very appropriate to my sense of humor and to the fact that I sort of want to die if I have to watch Pooh one more time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-04T07:53:58.870" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T07:53:58.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3253" CreationDate="2017-09-04T07:23:28.887" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It happens to me sometimes. I happen to give my number to a co-worker or a company driver for some reason. But then they start forwarding all kinds of timepass posts on WhatsApp to me. Some even add me to their groups out of the blue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most cases, I tolerate it for a few days. Then I leave the group without speaking a word, hoping they either don't notice it or, even if they did, hoping that they'll understand why I don't feel like continuing there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people add me to their WhatsApp broadcast lists, and I'll get a dozen clips and memes sent to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quite often, I resort to sending them a private message,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't look at such messages, or I don't have the time or mind to read these. Please avoid sending me these. Feel free to contact me for anything else though. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It mostly works without causing any issues, but sometimes in some cases, the person either doesn't notice or doesn't heed my message, and continues bothering me with such forwarded posts, so I quite simply block them on WhatsApp. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T07:23:28.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3259" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2951" CreationDate="2017-09-04T08:19:27.240" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would take an alternate tack - since you're ordering with less information than sighted people this is what you need to resolve first.  Rather than order what you want, and then ask the price which puts you in a position that most people actively avoid, ask the cost first, say you want some and if you can't tally the cost up for multiple items, pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat as required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the first dozen items, they should get the hint that you want to pay for everything and ideally, offer you the price of items you ask for rather than await for you to ask it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2353" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T08:19:27.240" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3253" CreationDate="2017-09-04T09:22:12.653" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find 99% memes unfunny and 100% cute kitty pictures leave me totally indifferent… Does the world still spin? Has the sun stopped shining? Do I receive a meme or a cute kitty image every day? Do I still have friends? Yes. No. No. Yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Maybe I should tell them how I really feel, since they can't seem to figure it out from my lack of enthusiasm or the fact that &lt;strong&gt;I have never once reciprocated&lt;/strong&gt;&amp;quot;. But in the end, I usually go with one of my one-word answers because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I don't want them to stop texting me about other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the words in bold are true then it will be easier to send everyone the same message, adjust the phrasing and wording to your taste and style but in your situation I would say something along these lines&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi everybody, I have a confession to make.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;For months&lt;/strong&gt;, friends and family have been forwarding the same memes and LOL cats images, etc. to me. Arggghhhh! :) I love 'em, really I do but it's come to the point where I feel irritation rather than a warm fuzzy glow whenever I get a meme I have seen hundreds of times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't say it's been &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt;, it would be mortifying to anyone to hear that. &lt;em&gt;Months&lt;/em&gt; suggests that until recently you appreciated your friends' messages and jokes but you are now at tilting point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never said anything before because I love keeping in touch with you all, and sometimes the jokes you send are hilarious but for the time being, could I ask you to please stop forwarding me these memes, funny e-cards,  lol cats, etc.?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to detox myself, seriously. Oh, and if anyone by mistake does send me a funny card, don't worry, I won't get annoyed but please don't be offended if I fail to respond with a &amp;quot;Thank you&amp;quot;. OK?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks! Love you all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, close friends and wise acquaintances will interpret the above message as saying: &amp;quot;Quit sending me stuff that I couldn't care less about&amp;quot; and delete your name from their mailing lists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do decide to adopt this approach, please keep us up-to-date and tell us if it worked and if you still have friends and family who continue to talk to you. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T21:03:52.683" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3261" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-04T09:25:12.693" Score="6" ViewCount="1203" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Situation&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend and I are in the situation that we are actually starting to live our future. We have been together for 5 years now and have gone through much together. I'm in my mid-twenties and he is 5 years older than me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we started dating I was studying and he was working in a job where he was unhappy, stressed and didn't make a lot of money. I knew that he liked what I'm doing as a profession now, so I convinced him to start studying too so that he would actually like what he is doing to earn money and that we would have a brighter future together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will now start writing his bachelor thesis soon and finally, it looks like we are ready to move in together. The apartment situation here is very rough and also expensive here if you want to live in a central location. But we found a really nice apartment (which is like my dream apartment) and we also convinced the landlord that we will manage to pay the bills and stuff. I have saved a lot of money because I've now been working for 4 years and making much and don't spend a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So currently there is a lot of pressure on my boyfriend. He needs to start writing his bachelor thesis soon, he needs to write an essay about his phase of practical involvement, he wants to find a new job because his current job will end in October and he has some financial issues which he is already tackling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I showed him in all the time we are together that he can rely on me and I will help him when he is in a critical situation as well as financially. We agreed that when we move in together I will pay the larger amount of the rent and I'm totally okay with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, it's like the turning point of our way together and to finally succeed and establish something together but it all really depends on how he manages to finish his studies and get a job. As we are in the same profession I try to help him with study documents, how to tackle a certain task, what is left to do and stuff. I also help him with his résumé and cover letter for the job search.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do or say to make him feel less stressed and help him in this situation? What can I do to make him feel less under pressure?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never been in a situation like that where you worked very hard for a long time and you can now almost bring in your harvest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4925" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T16:32:09.790" Title="How can I help my partner handle pressure?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;pressure&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3223" CreationDate="2017-09-04T10:30:45.003" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Please be sure that this type of street vendors has a good salary indeed. It is reputed to be one of the best earning activities for time &amp;amp; money pinched students these days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to keep it silent always.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once one of them is inside my trajectory, first I spy if I'm targeted. If I am, I seek eye contact and shake my head to indicate I'm not interested. And I smile very nicely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;99% of the time this works, no problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the rare case my preferences are ignored they receive my &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;dagger stare&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and possibly the word &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;'NO'&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;(emphasis intended)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By this time I'm seriously annoyed and any further attempt to reach out to me comes full stop.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Hopefully this will work for you too :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T10:30:45.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3264" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-04T11:04:03.770" Score="9" ViewCount="861" Body="&lt;p&gt;A day or two ago I brought in my pet (Bearded Dragon) to the place of work of a girl I have a crush on. The beardie was on my shoulder as he mostly always is when the aforementioned girl comes up and snatches (yes, snatches) the animal off my shoulder without permission. She proceeds to baby-talk the poor thing as it flails around in her hand because of the discomfort. Other customers actually saw her do this and started whispering to each other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't believe she particularly deserved this but I tried to be very patient with the way she was handling my pet so as to not embarrass her in front of her customers. I suggested the reason my animal is flailing around like that is because he wants to feel secure on her shoulder rather than in her hand. The girl's response was &quot;I know how to work with beardies.&quot; So I obviously hit some sort of brick wall there with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the animal wasn't comfortable, he wasn't wholly in pain. I wanted to be discreet since other people were watching her at that point. God help me even though I wanted to wring her neck, I still wanted to spare her the embarrassment of being an animal care professional that did not professionally care for an animal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was at a pet store and she is a possible manager. It was less of an argument and quite more of a suggestion that the way the beardie was being handled was improper. I feel even the other customers knew where I was coming from when I explained that the beardie likes support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not really very interested in her anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a better way to communicate that something that works for puppies and human babies may not work for a lizard?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So she will not get in serious trouble if she does this with anyone else who doesn't have the patience for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4948" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T15:59:47.283" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:59:47.283" Title="How to convince someone my pet doesn't like being handled a certain way?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3265" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3278" CreationDate="2017-09-04T11:18:16.740" Score="15" ViewCount="2099" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a middle-aged software engineer at a largish law firm. As a part of my job and at least on a weekly basis I participate in conference calls featuring three or more people made up of co-workers and often times vendors too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I previously worked 18 years at a different and much smaller law firm where I was only very infrequently involved in such calls. As it's turned out, such calls make me rather anxious, usually when multiple people start talking at the same time and stepping on each other's words. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes me highly anxious and my supervisor makes a point of pinging me on it, as my voice raises and changes in tone, reflecting my anxiety. He interprets this as me being impatient, angry and rude. This behavior has also been reflected in my performance reviews. I've since explained as much to him about the anxiety, in hopes he'll understand better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, I am hard of hearing (I use an assisted hearing device), and I am sure this contributes to my anxiety. My hearing-loss is bi-lateral, so while I usually hear &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; it comes out garbled. Add to that multiple voices stepping on one another and it is a recipe for anxiety. Even for a programmer I am not especially introverted and do well enough in small groups and in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does anyone have any thoughts or advice how I can mitigate these anxieties? Am I alone? Probably not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4945" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-04T11:49:31.467" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T20:41:49.430" Title="Anxious during conference calls" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T10:29:12.597" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3253" CreationDate="2017-09-04T11:43:49.157" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just be honest.  It's up to you whether you want to send a group text, or individual messages to each frequent offender, or discuss it in person with some.  But you can try to emphasize the positive in your request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [name/everyone].  I've got to admit something that might sound a little strange: I usually don't enjoy the typical random cute and funny things that go all around the Internet.  I really appreciate the sentiment that you wanted to include me in something that made you smile.  But sometimes I even get annoyed at just receiving too many of the darn things.  Could I just ask that you don't include me any more when you pass around the random Internet memes, videos, articles, and so on?  In any case, looking forward to seeing you [soon/at specific event].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't bring up your past reactions in this message / discussion.  It's probably not as big a deal as you imagine.  Some friends probably won't even notice the incongruity.  If they do, it's not that hard to put it together that you were sometimes just being polite.  And that's pretty much a socially acceptable type of lie, similar to answering &quot;How are you?&quot; with &quot;Fine&quot; even if you actually feel rotten (but it may not be the correct time or person to let that sort of thing out).  And if anyone does bring it up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I was trying to be polite.  Sorry if that comes across as insincere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more thing: It's entirely acceptable to ignore these sorts of forwards entirely, especially ones that would take time to view like a movie or article.  Sending memes and such is mostly a fire-and-forget activity.  Usually nobody expects even a &quot;ha&quot; or a Facebook &quot;like&quot; in return.  If a friend actually hopes you look at a specific link for some reason, they'll add a comment along the lines of &quot;Hey loris, I thought you might like to see this, because I know you're interested in [X].&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4911" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T11:43:49.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3264" CreationDate="2017-09-04T11:44:08.663" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might be attacking the wrong problem here. It doesn't matter whether or not certain things work for certain pets or babies, or even specific animals. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What matters is that this is your pet, you are responsible for it, and it is currently in distress. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your initial communication should have been along the lines of: &quot;That is my pet and you are making it uncomfortable, please give it back to me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; you dealt with the immediate distress and the pet is securely attached to your shoulder again, you can explain to her how you want your pet to be handled. You can then hand over the pet when the other party agrees to treat it as you ask for it to be treated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By trying to argue with someone who is holding your pet (without asking), you are giving a signal that they are allowed to handle your pet in whatever way they want. The entire idea of discussion on likes/dislikes is based around the idea that both parties have some say in the raising and handling of the creature. That's not the case here, so there shouldn't be an initial discussion. If you say &quot;no&quot;, then it is &quot;no&quot;, and the opinions of other people don't matter there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T11:44:08.663" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-04T13:42:36.130" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another possibility: &lt;em&gt;He already knows&lt;/em&gt; (or has a general idea). This could be a good thing (as in, he's already the great guy he appears to be, even knowing), or (and I don't want to sabotage anything here) maybe he's a gold digger. I don't know what the warning signs are for that, but you might want to learn them and look out for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4955" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T13:42:36.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3261" CreationDate="2017-09-04T14:08:26.347" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The basics on how to help our partners during rough times are &lt;em&gt;relatively&lt;/em&gt; similar regardless of particular circumstance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is extra busy, you can perhaps help him with making sure he eats well.  For both myself and my husband, we are quick to neglect this when we are overly busy.  We have both gone to school while together and had different times when we had to work many long hours, etc.  So when one or the other is short on time, the other has stepped in to make sure groceries are stocked and meals are made.  If not, both of us can easily revert to living on bowls of cereal and buckets of coffee.  We are both equally bad at this, so that one was easy for us to sort out that we should do that for one another, as we share this bad habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't generally take care of things for my husband such as making doctor appointments, reminding him of them, doing his laundry, etc.  When he is overloaded though, I often do.  Same with me.  It is one way I can ease his stress and take one thing off his &quot;to do&quot; list.  I will run his errands, make phone calls he was supposed to (things like seeing when the next payment for something is due if he forgot, that sort of calling).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every person is different in what they need.  I knew for him, he needed breaks, so I would encourage him to take 10 mins and go outside and get fresh air, take a quick walk with me, etc.  He would loose track of time easily and maybe do 4 hours without a break.  I don't think this helps.  I think it seems he does better if he takes a break every 90 mins or so, and just clears his head.  I am the sort to get distracted, so he helps me by getting me back on task.  I take a minute to go grab coffee and I see that something was left out so I put that away and then noticed some things were out of order &amp;amp; start to straighten a cupboard.  You get the idea.  So his job when I am doing this is help me let it go, and get back to books.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as what you can &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; well just stay positive without adding pressure.  So instead of me saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I am sure you will great&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which for my Dh would feel like pressure that now he has to do great or he will let me down, I stick with things more like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't worry about it.  You have put in the work and whatever will be&#xA;  will be.  You always figure things out, and you will figure this out&#xA;  as well.  If it goes great, awesome, if not, you can handle that too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not that I don't think it will go great.  I generally usually do.  If I say that though, he either interprets that as additional pressure to not let me down &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; he takes it like I am not taking it seriously enough as to how hard it is, and taking for granted that it's not a &quot;big deal&quot;.  You have to figure out what your partner's personality is and what they need to hear.  &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; want to be told I am going to excel, no one has ever been better at this than me, etc.  &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; want a pep talk.  Every person is different.   You can even ask him.  I am sure I must have asked my husband at some time.  I am &lt;em&gt;sure&lt;/em&gt; I told him what I need when nervous/stressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And remind yourself he really can do this.  He can.  There are times in many people's lives where you re pushed hard, but it is in those times you often do the most personal growth.  It helps to show us what we are capable of.  I think in the end it is actually quite good for us, even if it feels really tiring while you are doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T14:08:26.347" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3274" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3276" CreationDate="2017-09-04T14:08:46.383" Score="70" ViewCount="14444" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a medium sized company (~150 people) and every year they have this drink off event in conjunction with one of the local fairs. This means they basicly all get together and drink wine and do ... I don't know actually, this week is the first time I'll be attending. According to senior management, my absence so far has been negatively noted, so I'm going to go this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know alcohol consumption isn't mandatory there so I can get away with not drinking, but I wonder how can I avoid the feeling of being the last sane person in a crowd of progressively more drunk coworkers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also wonder what I'm supposed to &lt;em&gt;actually do&lt;/em&gt; at these work events. I usually never go to social work gatherings, and I very rarely meet any coworkers outside work. In general, I'm an introverted person and social interaction is very draining to me, so I don't have that much experience either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I get through this evening without making a negative impression?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="532" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T21:24:23.843" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T20:36:30.663" Title="How to behave at a work organized drinking event as a non drinker?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3275" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-04T14:24:33.993" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel your pain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work from  home, and it seems that no matter how I try to explain it, I get the same things over and over. They either think:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have no job&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do some work but not, like, full time &amp;lt;- my favorite&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I deal drugs and that's where the money comes from&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It never fails. Doesn't matter who it is or how close they are. Aside from my wife (and others that work from home) they all do it.  They just don't comprehend that I can work a 9-5 job from a room in my house. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The solution&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use an analog. I tell people that I &quot;own my own business.&quot; And if they pry more then I go with &quot;Well, just like you, I go to the office, I punch in at 10, and I punch out at 10, it's just that my commute is shorter.&quot; Then comes &quot;What do you do?&quot; Tricky one for me to answer to many people so I go with &quot;I work! Of course. I run my business. That's what owning a business means&quot; Finally I am asked what does the business do? That gets a vague answer; &quot;It does things with computers and websites.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should use the same tactic. What do you do should be answered with a very abstract concept. &quot;I work for the University, doing research. &quot; What kind of research? &quot;Math stuff&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't tell you waht to say, but I leave my story as an example. They don't care what theory or proof your working on, hell I don't even really know what that means. What I do know is that you said &quot;Math Stuff&quot; so guess what are dinner conversation is not going to be?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T14:24:33.993" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3276" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-04T14:33:11.750" Score="66" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just some hints.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Chat with an old-timer to get stories of past events. This should give you a rough idea what to expect.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Volunteer to help with organising, especially during the event. This will give you an inside perspective and hopefully a role to fill during. Back-up plan is to appoint yourself event photographer; carrying a semi-serious camera should do the trick.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find yourself a soul mate colleague with the same problem and chat about anything (even work related will do, this person will be in equally deep).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Grab an alcohol-free beer or red grape juice. This makes abstinence less obvious.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if all else fails:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Plaster a smile on your face, stay off your mobile phone, endure, leave early (hopefully before the worst of inebriated humour emerges).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Buy a fidget cube for in your pocket.&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;[edit]&lt;em&gt;Jacket pocket&lt;/em&gt; as you want to avoid that Mae West quote. (No, not the one about the fish)[/edit]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Totally stuff yourself at the buffet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck! (The fun seems to be mandatory)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T20:36:30.663" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T20:36:30.663" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3277" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-04T14:41:23.867" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've done this plenty of times and no one will care that you're not drinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everyone gets completely trashed at these things, so you'll be able to find some conversation somewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people ask about you not drinking just say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry I don't drink&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm driving&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm the photographer, smile..!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm on antibiotics&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(make up a lurid illness if you want to divert the conversation)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mainly though, people won't care and will reason that you not drinking will allow others to soak up more of the bar bill and thank you for letting them do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Bookeater says, take some photos as a self-appointed photographer - it's a great way of mingling and meeting people.  You're quite likely to get to know people this way and maybe make some new friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T14:41:23.867" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3265" CreationDate="2017-09-04T15:01:14.197" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, I do not have hearing problems myself, but a co-worker has. Just as you, he relies heavily on watching faces/mouths when having a conversation, which makes having a conference call hard for him. Here is what he does:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure the equipment used during a conference call is of good quality. For him, this means he makes sure co-workers he works with (and has a conference call with regularly) have access to good-quality headsets/conference microphones, since the ones in our company laptops are not the best. Depending on your employer, this may not be feasible for you, but at my workplace there is a stack of headsets and I take one home whenever I am working home the next day. Then, during daily stand-up or other meetings, I use this head-set, and return it the day after. Make sure a conference microphone is used on the other side as well, since three people using the same microphone on a single laptop will not make things easier to understand. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you are having a conference call with new people present, make sure that it is known to everybody that somebody with hearing difficulties will be joining the conference call, and would people please remember that you can only hear them clearly if they talk one at a time, since you can not see their faces, and would they please show some consideration if you are unable to follow the conversation, since technology can be fickle. At my workplace, this is the task of the call organizer, and he/she is also responsible for reminding people when they start talking together all at once. So if at all possible, contact the organizer and ask them to take things into consideration to make your life a bit easier. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if all people present know about your problems, and are willing to adjust, you can not prevent them entirely from talking over each other. It still happens at my workplace, after more than a year. We try our best, but sometimes we do need a sharp reminder from our co-worker. All you can do is have a standard sentence prepared that you can use. It is okay to raise your voice a little for this announcement, so people can hear you talking on the other side. Just refrain from taking part in the discussion with a raised voice, this may indeed be interpreted as being either impatient, angry or rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;People, I'm sorry but you were all talking together so I missed most of what was said. Could you please remember to talk one at time, and repeat what was said for me? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, even just hearing some-one talk is enough of a reminder that 'oh yeah, we are forgetting about our co-worker again'. It happens often enough to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T15:01:14.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3280" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-04T16:11:16.800" Score="4" ViewCount="369" Body="&lt;p&gt;I plan to give my wife a Skill Workshop session as a gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've no interest in the skill myself, but I feel odd giving her a gift to do completely on her own.&#xA;Ideally I'd like to go with her, and sit at the side, so that afterwards we can still talk about it, etc. (I.e. it becomes at least a shared experience).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But since I'm not interested in actually doing the skill itself, I'd prefer not to pay for a second (moderately expensive) ticket.&#xA;Naturally, I wouldn't expect to be a part of the (practical) workshop in any sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is this a reasonable thing to request of the instructor?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, how would I go about requesting this with the craftsman - I wouldn't expect to just turn up on the day with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's relevant the skill in question here happens to be Kintsugi - a Japanese art-form involving pottery repair with golden enamel. I get the impression that the workshops are very low volume, probably 1-5 people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Workshop is in UK (London or Oxford), and is run by one &quot;Iku Nishikawa&quot;. Whom I guess to be Japanese? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4808" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T09:35:39.023" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T15:18:47.813" Title="Is it acceptable to sit in on a workshop class my partner is taking?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-04T16:16:30.737" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;One way you can answer truthfully and respectfully is to simplify it to the point where anyone can understand it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I work at X (university?) in the math department, (teaching? and) doing research.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people ask &quot;what do you do,&quot; it's usually just a social query. They can then make the appropriate social response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;That sounds interesting. How long have you been doing that?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Do you enjoy the teaching or the research more?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Other.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can change the subject at this point if you wish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they press further (I wouldn't!), you can give them an &quot;out&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's very theoretical, and there aren't many of us in my field. Are you sure you want me to continue (with a sincere smile)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist, I'd start explaining what I did. I'd stop from time to time to let them change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T16:16:30.737" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3097" CreationDate="2017-09-04T16:24:45.557" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do not get sucked into this - it will end badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When raising our kids, we warn them about &quot;nice secrets&quot;, and &quot;nasty secrets&quot;.  Nice secrets are - well - nice.  Things like the flowers the kids have noticed in a bucket of water in the garage, waiting to give to mum on mothers day.  These are good secrets to keep.  And then there are nasty secrets.  Things like the visitor who slips a hand up a little girl's dress while out in the garden and winks to her and says, &quot;Let's keep it our little secret&quot;.  From an early age, we have to teach our kids as to what are nice secrets (good to keep), and nasty secrets (tell someone).  And we have to learn that ourselves, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your father's secret has &quot;nasty&quot; written all over it.  Why does he want you to keep it a secret? Because it is a nice secret that he wants to surprise your mum with (the lady with which he had an acrimonious divorce)?  Or because it is a nasty secret, and he knows that if she knew what he was up to, there is no way she would come to your dinner?  99% probability it is a nasty secret.  Quite likely he has some hurtful announcement to make or some other continuation of the pattern of getting back at his ex-wife that he has been trying to do all along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your dad is most likely conspiring to hurt your mum, and using one of the kids to get back at her (such a common pattern).  Do not facilitate this conspiracy.  If I am wrong and it is a nice secret, it will still be nice even if she gets to know about it before the evening. But if as I suspect it is a nasty secret, you do not want to be involved in helping carry out his hurtful plan.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need say this to your dad:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Aww that's really nice that you want to meet up with mum and her husband.  I'll have to check with mum and her husband that it is OK and they want to meet up with you and your friend.  If I don't check and they don't want to meet up, it could look like I tricked them into doing something they would not have wanted to do, which would be hurtful for them and for me.  Thanks for understanding.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4971" LastEditorUserId="4971" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T08:42:39.030" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T08:42:39.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-04T16:37:48.600" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depending on what type of personality you are, the following may work for you, it certainly does work for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I prefer to be honest.&lt;/strong&gt; I participate in parties of this kind, but I make it clear to people around that I &lt;em&gt;decided&lt;/em&gt; not to drink (no excuses). I usually leave when people start to be drunk to the extent that they do not realize it, but they behave like pure idiots. I usually leave silently, because anyway, nobody cares about specific people any more as everyone is drunk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One can get around this by finding someone who does not drink that much and is fine to chat with, and spend time with them; depending of the size of the company/department you should be able to find such people, maybe even before the party in daily office situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach may still give you the badge of a &quot;boring moron&quot; by some, but if you value honesty and present yourself in honesty, I'm quite sure some people will value your approach anyway. And you don't know how many other people feel it similarly to you and maybe next time, they also won't drink (or won't drink that much) and enjoy the company of each other. At least this is my experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastEditorUserId="3971" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T10:27:01.953" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T10:27:01.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3253" CreationDate="2017-09-04T17:08:02.060" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;People carelessly share such things with everyone who is to slow to run because they want appreciation. Every your 'lol'-like response was seen as a positive feedback. The best way is to be honest. If those messages aren't very annoying, just ignore them, and hope they will get bored if they don't get their pats. Or, hopefully, they will grow up one day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is annoying just say them that you have to silence your phone because constant peeps are not welcomed in your workplace or anywhere and ask to limit sending messages in some hours, or pretend your internet plan is in danger etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, not having to read anything someone has written in internet should not be a concept too difficult to understand for an average adult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1707" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T17:08:02.060" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="222" CreationDate="2017-09-04T17:15:07.047" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are unlikely to change their behavior in any means. Some people behave that way years after reaching legal adulthood. You can write them hundred ways, they will forget when fully immersed in their tagging spree. Take it or leave it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can remove them from 'friends', if you can't cope with ignoring notifications. Otherwise, just ignore the notifications, and the problem is solved. Mass taggers are unlikely to notice that some of people they 'tagged' don't appear on tags. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1707" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T17:15:07.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3264" CreationDate="2017-09-04T17:37:54.630" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately working in a pet store does not make someone a care and handling expert. Often these stores just get a little data card with each animal with basic feeding, housing, and temp information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is probably the case here. I say that because snatching someone's pet isn't something an expert would do. There's some etiquette to be considered from the start of the interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh! A beardie?! How is he/she with being handled?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;Wait for a response&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  May I?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same goes for a puppy and most definitely with a baby. You wouldn't snatch up someone's child without asking, would you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have experience with beardies, but one of my former partners had an amazing leopard gecko named Snot Face. Snot Face's first reaction to being handled, being low on the food chain, was usually &quot;It's gonna eat me! Gotta hide!&quot; People who are familiar with handling lizards would recognize this behavior and let the animal acclimate and find a comfortable position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to handle this situation is probably to prevent it from happening to begin with. When they reach out, step back and start the dialogue yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wait, he/she can spook easily, let me transfer him/her to your shoulder. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;While you're doing this you can explain how your pet likes to be handled.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Believe it or not, reptiles have personality. They have likes and dislikes. My beardie likes to be handled like this...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-09-04T18:03:18.073" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T18:03:18.073" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-04T17:59:12.697" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do they call it a 'drink off', or is that your label? Drink off implies an event that is heavily focused on alcohol, with participants competing to drink more than each other. While that may describe this event, in my experience work events like this are more commonly about hanging out with colleagues while also having a drink. If there's a free bar there will always be some people who will want to take advantage of it, but hopefully most people are more interested in the conversation and the alcohol will be less important (at least at the start of the event).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically these events are about team building. Have you ever avoided asking a work question because you didn't know who the right person to ask was, or because you'd never spoken to them before? These events give you a chance to talk to your colleagues about something that isn't work. The hope is that you'll then find it easier to speak to them when you're back in the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to turn up at the start of the event and do your best to make conversation with the people who are there. Maybe ask a colleague you are friendly with to meet you before the event so you can arrive together so you'll have at least one friendly face to speak to. It's fine for you to leave early, as people are getting more affected by the alcohol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4394" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T17:59:12.697" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3289" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3253" CreationDate="2017-09-04T18:53:49.693" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just don't respond. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one will care and for the few people who do mention it ('didja see my email with the kitten in a bow-tie? wasn't it hilarious?'), just say you prefer &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LOLCODE&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;lolcode&lt;/a&gt; to lolcats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3387" LastEditorUserId="3387" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T15:20:04.613" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:20:04.613" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-04T19:11:41.567" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before anything else, it would help to say what country is this, is it a &quot;relaxed&quot; or very &quot;strict/domineering&quot; company, what industry sector, and where are you in the company?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turning to the question itself, my immediate reaction is that when you say it was &lt;em&gt;&quot;negatively noticed by senior management&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, that's a statement that could mean many things. You might not be interpreting it as its meant, or need to check, because you could be worrying over nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;it could mean they want to encourage people to join in, and people noticed your absence (&quot;where's John anyhow?&quot;), but someone else is saying this was noticed negatively where it was just an observation and not meant negatively.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;it was a statement of disappointment but not negative as in being perceived as doing anything wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;it was something they want but nobody ever meant it was to be taken as impacting your career not to. (&quot;Gentle social pressure&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you assume or worry about anything, you need to just ask. A way to do this might be to ask, &lt;em&gt;&quot;is not going, going to be a breach of policy or a black mark on my career? I really don't want to, unless it's mandatory and a breach of my employment not to&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking it in such strong, direct terms, you achieve three things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;First, you are &lt;strong&gt;much&lt;/strong&gt; more likely to be told it isn't. Once they say that, then &lt;em&gt;however much pressure there may be, and whatever else they say&lt;/em&gt;, you basically have permission to say &quot;thank you but in that case I'd rather not. Its not my scene&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Second, they will immediately appreciate how it's a real stress for you, and not to joke or exaggerate, and to take anything you say about it as a real feeling, not to brush off  or dismiss, or think &quot;It'll be good for him and the team, let's nudge them to go, I'm sure they will love it when they get there&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Third, because of these, you are in fact very likely to get understanding and agreement not to go.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to set up such a meeting? Say that &quot;something is disturbing you, could you come to see them and have a formal meeting. It should be quick.&quot; Again, most companies you could easily knock and ask for a word. But making it more formal emphasises its important and they may put their manager hat on. That will probably help. Especially in a 159 staff company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2017-09-04T19:17:09.383" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T19:17:09.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-04T19:29:07.620" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if its typical, but as a UK male, I wouldn't have any concern if my partner earned more (and right now, they do). Your boyfriend might not have an issue even though stereotypes say it should be different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, good question and yes, openness is best.  Also if you are fairly self-dependent, and you have a partner who will find it hard to handle, you need to know sooner than later, to make good decisions about your future relationship. So does he. And might as well get it out in the open sooner. Work around any discomfort earlier. Works well all around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good approach is to be up front, which sounds like it will suit your style. Don't make a big deal of it yourself, or it signals it is a problem. Tell him that you want to be open, and discuss incomes and money, and emphasise what you've said here - its practical but not relational, I like you not our earnings, and if we have more than we need, it might be important some day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good way to approach it is that the extra gets you &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; extra security. Emphasise that (or if) you think about your extra income as security - to save or out into a pension, not to flaunt, or in case you, your mother/father, husband or child in future needs expensive care. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if (say) he earns 20k and you earn 60k, instead of emphasising who earns more or how much more, emphasise this means if you live together you can &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; contribute 20k to the household budget, and &lt;strong&gt;also&lt;/strong&gt; put 40k into an emergency fund, pension, healthcare, childcare, a slightly better house, a holiday, or whatever. That way the extra is a &lt;strong&gt;(joint?) bonus&lt;/strong&gt; beyond everyday expenses, and for everyday expenses, you are pretty much equal and can contribute on equal terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(There's a twist to this: at any time one of you might get ill, in which case the past savings and the income of the other may be crucial, &lt;em&gt;whoever earned it&lt;/em&gt;. So look on it as a common resource and present it as one.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in the UK and in UK culture this may work well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T06:41:19.177" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T06:41:19.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="397" CreationDate="2017-09-04T20:22:32.867" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Shyness is often an inherent part of one's personality and sometimes that person has to learn through life experience how to just 'shelve it' at certain times.  Perhaps you could &lt;em&gt;gently&lt;/em&gt; remind her of this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In public, beware of discreetly enabling her continued shyness.  If she prefers other people to do the purchasing/interaction, this is fine.  But if she constantly doesn't have to, in this situation she is shielded, and this is allowing her to remain shy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much shyness can be attributed to a loss (or lack) of social confidence, which may be based on (lack of) experience and is typically paired with an &lt;strong&gt;overdeveloped fear of embarrassment&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a common trait which is usually mitigated (or reinforced) as a person ages and feeds on life experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It cannot be erased but can be overcome.  Achieving this usually depends on a combination of emotional quotient, life experience and mature social cognitive reasoning.  A shy person as a result may or may not be equipped with the tools to overcome shyness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Shyness is prone to vanishing in times of action, and manifests in moments of inaction.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inevitably, life will present a person with situations whereby one does not have time to be shy, or simply cannot afford to be.  Whether it be a genuine emergency or a key moment in team sports.  In these moments, shyness will vanish, and it is in these instances that one can learn to be more bold.  Problematically though, shyness is a comfortable pattern of behaviour which one can easily relapse back into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her shyness can be the result of an &lt;strong&gt;overabundance of concern about what others (may) think of them.&lt;/strong&gt;  An old mantra which I would recommend to your friend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your 20s and 30s you worry about what other people think of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your 40s and 50s you stop worrying about what other people think of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your 60s and 70s you realise that no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shyness is also mitigated with aging.  When you're old, you really do care less what others think of you.  Essentially, you have &lt;em&gt;no time&lt;/em&gt; to be shy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Life is too short.  You can gently reminder of this also!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4975" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T20:22:32.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3280" CreationDate="2017-09-04T20:50:23.740" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This depends on the culture, the instructor, the hosting institution (a museum? The instructor's workshop?) and how much information the instructor reveals in the introduction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can answer for the US, but not for Japan or other countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instructors usually expect to get paid to part with specialized skills, both the presentation and the practicum (practicing the skill.) If the class size is small, e.g. to allow for a lot of personal interaction, then I would not ask the instructor if you could sit in, especially as it is an expensive workshop. Asking puts the instructor in an awkward position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the class size is large, such that they break down into smaller groups for the practicum, I might ask to sit in, and if permitted to sit in, I would not take any handouts or ask any questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the instructor is passionate about his art and wants to spread interest as much as possible, they might welcome you to sit in (the fact that the workshop is costly may indicate that such might not be the case.) You might be welcome in a workshop held in a museum; I would not ask if it was in the instructor's home/workshop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to teach a workshop. It took me years of reading and experimentation to become skillful at what I taught, and I would not take too kindly to someone wanting to learn what I had to impart for free. Yet there were other things that I loved and taught for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how would I go about requesting this with the craftsman&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask when you're purchasing your wife's attendance fee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've no interest in the skill myself, but I feel odd giving her a gift to do completely on her own. Ideally I'd like to go with her, and sit at the side, so that afterwards we can still talk about it, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe cultural, but there are lots of things married people do independently of each other. I had no interest in golf or squash/racketball. &quot;How was your game?&quot; was as much as I wanted to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might actually have more to talk about if you don't go to the presentation. She can be the &quot;expert&quot; and you the &quot;student&quot;. You would have questions to discuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T20:50:23.740" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3294" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3295" CreationDate="2017-09-04T21:47:19.443" Score="42" ViewCount="12616" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in my mid-twenties and I frequently use public transit in my city. Sometimes I notice someone get on the bus who appears to be much older than me but still seems young enough to have no problem standing (maybe in their 40's or 50's). Assuming they have no invisible ailments like arthritis or chronic pain, is it rude of me to offer my seat up to them? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people in my city would take offence to being called old/incapable and I don't want to offend anyone, but I know I should be offering my seat to older patrons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Context: I am in Canada and in many cities there are priority seats which may be taken by anyone but priority is given to seniors (EDIT: &quot;older patrons&quot; typically, implying seniors), pregnant ladies, people with young children, or disabled people. No one enforces these rules, you are just expected to give up your seat when you see someone get on the bus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1826" LastEditorUserId="1826" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T19:14:46.410" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T10:07:29.253" Title="Is it rude to offer my seat up on public transit to someone who is much older than me but not yet a senior?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T14:42:04.307" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-04T22:07:56.477" Score="82" Body="&lt;p&gt;No - it is not rude to offer your seat. To anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a particular individual decides to be offended, that is up to them, but you are within your right to free up your seat for any reason you like. Maybe because you liked their smile. Maybe you just wanted to stand up for a bit. It really doesn't matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't second guess this, just give your seat up if you want to, and accept any thanks with a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-09-04T22:07:56.477" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3297" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-04T23:32:01.740" Score="11" ViewCount="3533" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes a complete stranger, or someone I've only known very recently, will recommend something to me, saying: &lt;em&gt;I'm sure you'll love it!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why would they say that?  They can hope, and perhaps expect me to love whatever they recommend, but it's very strange to say that they're sure.  They can't be sure, then why do they say they're sure?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="40" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T01:18:02.130" LastActivityDate="2021-01-18T22:29:24.397" Title="Why do (half-)strangers say &quot;I'm sure you'll love it&quot; when they don't know my interests?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-05T00:05:31.987" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Read the obituary of &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.economist.com/news/obituary/21725270-worlds-leading-female-mathematician-was-40-obituary-maryam-mirzakhani-died-july-14th&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Maryam Mirzakhani in &lt;em&gt;The Economist&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;. (Mirzakhani was the first woman to win the Fields Medal, in mathematics, the equivalent of the Nobel Prize.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The obituary included a description of her work, in layman's terms. A description at the level in &lt;em&gt;The Economist's&lt;/em&gt; article may still be too abstruse for a conversation, but not by much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, my advice is for you to write the mathematical part of your obituary now, using the obituary in &lt;em&gt;The Economist&lt;/em&gt; as a model, and keep it up to date.  Have several practice conversations with a non-mathematician friend, so you can talk about your work in a natural fashion -- not as a monologue.   &lt;em&gt;The Economist&lt;/em&gt; ended the mathematical part of its obituary with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Such work might seem abstruse to outsiders, but uses abound, from&#xA;  cosmology to cryptography.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T00:17:25.850" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T00:17:25.850" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3300" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3297" CreationDate="2017-09-05T00:46:49.220" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a common expression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who love a particular thing, or think that someone else might, may use a phrase like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know where you're coming from, I tend to have a similar reaction. They don't really know me well enough to know how I would feel about anything. I've come to see it as well meaning hyperbole, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's the best thing EVER!!!1!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually just smile and nod. Seems to work well enough. If it seems like a good idea, I may even try their recommendation. If it doesn't, I don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T00:46:49.220" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-05T00:51:24.170" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being forced to socialize for an introvert is the worst. We tend to want to keep social, personal and professional life separated so we know what to expect from each situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We usually hate small talk and feel very uncomfortable in situations that require letting loose because we fear it will impact how people perceive us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We often feel like outsiders that do not fit in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to be a hardcore introvert until I started my own company. Being isolated most of the time made me realize how important and crucial it is to be around people. Matter of fact, if it was not for my family, I couldn't even focus on building my startup. At the end of the day, one moment or the other, we need others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everyone is nice or interesting to be around but the more I socialize the more I realize it's not that scary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But when I really don't feel like socializing here what I do :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I set a fake call on my phone to ring in 15-30mins. Then I proceed to engage in a conversation. I let them talk about themselves and show signs of interest with minimal responses like &quot;huh huh&quot;, &quot;oh yeah I think I read something about that&quot;, &quot;you said you did what? I wish I did that&quot; etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a smile and proper tone, it actually looks like you are interested in what they are saying. When my phone eventually rings, if the conversation I'm in is really draining me, I excuse myself politely &quot;Oh my this is so embarrassing...I wish I could continue but I really need to take this... Let's catch up later.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Proceed by slowly disappearing from sight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Few tricks I've learned&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;get over myself (nobody truly cares)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;learn to accept my quirks and set boundaries&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;realize everyone is awkward (especially at a fair)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;work on changing my personal paradigm (subconscious blocks, fears etc.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4988" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T00:51:24.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3302" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3264" CreationDate="2017-09-05T02:36:05.857" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh sorry, he doesn't like that&quot; while reaching for your pet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it not about &lt;em&gt;her competence with beardies&lt;/em&gt;, but about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; beardie.  It allows her to save face -- &quot;oh, his beardie is finicky&quot; as opposed to &quot;he's calling me incompetent&quot;.  I've used this approach when houseguests tried to pick up a cat who really, &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; wasn't into being held, and I've seen people use it when people touch their dogs without asking first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Separately&lt;/em&gt;, given that this person works in a pet store, you might want to find a way to privately deliver the &quot;no, that really isn't ok&quot; message to her (or her manager).  People who work in pet stores have a higher-than-average chance of coming into contact with other people's pets (and of course any they sell), so you'd be doing other people a service.  (I realize that's not what you asked about in this question.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T02:36:05.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-05T04:58:09.810" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;It isn't rude, it is nice. However, as a 55-year old woman, I prefer people don't give up their seat for me as I really want to be treated like others. I wear jeans, am in great shape and not tired looking. I give up my seat to younger women who are overweight and/or tired looking, and especially if they have a child. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this isn't too complicated, try to make a judgment call about if the woman wants a seat. If she, like me, is not looking anyone in the eye sitting in a reserved seat she probably does not want a seat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5001" LastEditorDisplayName="user2921" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T04:46:18.373" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T04:46:18.373" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3223" CreationDate="2017-09-05T06:31:35.487" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they are trying to me sign up for a charity I reply;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you, I am already a supporter of your organization. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They seem pleased and do not engage me any further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5005" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T06:47:13.607" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T06:47:13.607" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-05T06:36:46.500" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have to wonder if the stumbling block here is not as much about forced socializing as it is about this being a drinking event of sorts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find it hard enough to socialize &quot;on demand&quot; but being coerced into doing that with a bunch of drunk people (if I am not imbibing) is tough indeed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, since you &quot;must&quot; go, it might help to expand on exactly what kind of fair this is.  For example, if this is Oktoberfest (or a similar German style fall/beer festival), there are LOADS of things to do aside from drinking non-stop.  In that case I'd just start approaching people who maybe look a little bored, or anyone you have some existing work relationship with, and say &quot;hey let's go check out the rides&quot; or similar.  If it's a more traditional American fair, again, there is usually something to see/do if you are walking around instead of parked at a table.  This is the up-side of your situation - this isn't a private party where you are stuck in a smaller venue with limited activities on hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is that you should definitely &lt;em&gt;find the manager who is complaining that you aren't attending these events&lt;/em&gt; and make your appearance.  Chat them up a bit, then go do your thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5006" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T06:36:46.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-05T08:26:51.870" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't speak exactly for Canada, but perhaps it's close to the UK where I am. Here I do this without a second thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presumably you're wondering if it comes over as implying they are old or frail. I doubt at all it comes over like that, and if you think someone else may benefit from a seat more than you do, then go for it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T08:26:51.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-05T09:05:33.067" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it would just depend on the situation. Even if I saw someone around my age who had a lot of stuff with them, I would offer my seat. Same for anyone who looked beat up and tired from working hard. People are different, no matter what, so you can't really know or presume what they will think or how they will react. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people might thank you, some may take offense. But either way, it doesn't really matter. As long as you're happy with yourself. Most people wouldn't even think about it, so you're better than most by default. lol&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5015" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T09:05:33.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3223" CreationDate="2017-09-05T09:29:42.667" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Trying the classic &quot;Sorry but I'm not interested&quot; should work in most cases, but if the vendor still persists, try this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, I don't want to waste your time by letting you tell me everything about your product and then walking away without buying it because I'm not interested (busy/in a hurry). So, thank you but no, thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be a good idea to keep your smile natural and tone gentle while conveying this message and most of the times, people will understand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="142" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T09:29:42.667" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3297" CreationDate="2017-09-05T09:45:56.520" Score="16" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They can hope, and perhaps expect me to love whatever they recommend, but it's very strange to say that they're sure. They can't be sure, then why do they say they're sure?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're not &lt;strong&gt;sure&lt;/strong&gt;; they do &lt;strong&gt;expect&lt;/strong&gt; you to love it. It's hyperbole: the literal meaning of words and how they are used in reality do not always tie up. There are lots of other examples, one that comes to mind is &quot;literally&quot; used for emphasis in a phrase that is actually figurative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3297/why-do-half-strangers-say-im-sure-youll-love-it-when-they-dont-know-my-in#comment11245_3297&quot;&gt;apaul mentions in a comment&lt;/a&gt;, Asperger's is very relevant to this question. Tone and context are much more important in communication than the literal words used, but I understand that people on the spectrum can focus more on the literal meaning than neurotypicals. I have no magical solution or this, the only thing I can think of is to learn from experience what people actually mean when they say various phrases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="430" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2017-10-30T14:36:57.710" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T14:36:57.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="677" CreationDate="2017-09-05T10:13:17.450" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This made me smile. I am also put in this situation plenty of times. Here's what I would do : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach someone you know most or consider pretty close with (the closer they are you is better) and just tap them gently on the shoulder and say my goodbye in a low voice.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or if they look like they're deep in discussion, I just catch the person stated above and signal him of me leaving with a smile on my face.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to use #1 the most since it catches other's attention and some would also say goodbyes to you. #1 is also what i would do in small groups. I only use #2 on large discussions where I don't know most of the people in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5020" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T10:13:17.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3297" CreationDate="2017-09-05T13:18:58.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What AndyT said is correct, at least in my experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I very frequently use the phrase &quot;I'm sure you..&quot; in many different situations. And when I say it, I don't mean that I'm actually sure about something. Instead, I mean &quot;I hope that you...&quot; in such cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just an example that happened today here; I commented to a user A saying &quot;I'm sure user B knows that...&quot; while my point was &quot;I sure hope user B knows that...&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;User A felt uncomfortable with my comment, and asked how I could be sure about what user B knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this was an interaction via text, the exact intention was not clearly communicated to the user A. So instead of trying to discuss my point further, I chose to agree with their response and moved on. I will make it a point to minimize the usage of such phrases when it could cause misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure you get what I'm saying here. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T13:18:58.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3319" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-05T14:08:31.850" Score="14" ViewCount="1775" Body="&lt;p&gt;After a highly toxic 10+ year relationship and two children, aged 6 &amp;amp; 3, my wife and I separated. There was wrong on both sides, however the way she ended the relationship was particularly underhanded and malicious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She started seeing someone else behind my back, took the children with her when she went to see him, and got my eldest son to lie to me about it. All of this while I was away spending time at the hospital with my mother who was dying of breast cancer at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once the truth came out she left me, taking the children. Initially, she refused to let me see the children, she refused to allow my mother to see them before she died, she refused to let them attend the funeral/wake or the funeral/wake of both my grandparents that died shortly after. She falsely accused me of domestic abuse. While I was arrested and held for 24 hours, she emptied the house of everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She let me see my eldest son regularly after a couple of months had passed but still forced me to get a court order to see my youngest son. She falsely accused me of abusing the children and was dishonest during the entire process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is now living with the man she left me for and they have had a baby together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this has left my eldest son deeply unhappy. He has become very introverted and his teacher has said he seems like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Whenever I speak to him, he begs me to pick him up. When he is with me he never wants to return to his mother and when I have to take him back he gets angry and cry's/screams hysterically. He tells me he misses me and that he wants to live with me. I barely know my youngest son and it worries me that he will be affected by not having the same relationship with me that his brother has.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation our children are in is difficult enough for them but is being made worse due to the conflict between me and their mother. We are unable to to communicate constructively to come up with a solution that will mitigate as much distress to our children as we can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She refuses to speak to me half the time and the other half she cannot talk to me without trying to start an argument by bringing up the past or by making hurtful remarks. I try to keep the conversation focused on the children but she will eventually either provoke me into an argument or she will get angry about something and hang up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to see any further distress caused to our children but I do not know what to do. I have tried unilaterally apologising for my part in the failure of our marriage and for how I hurt her. I have tried my best to forgive what she did to me and I have tried to make peace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I didn't have children with her I would gladly just walk away and never have any contact with her again but it is tormenting me to see our children put in this situation. She doesn't seem to treat them as individual human beings with needs and relationships independent of her.  They are treated as if they are just props in her life to be used for her own ends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I change things so that I can have a better relationship with my children's mother so the children are not caught in the middle of a bitter conflict ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2899" LastEditorUserId="1685" LastEditDate="2018-05-21T17:52:10.463" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T17:52:10.463" Title="How to have a better relationship with (soon to be) ex-wife" Tags="&lt;children&gt;&lt;divorce&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-05-22T19:24:13.353" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-05T14:33:01.413" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The old stereotype is generally wrong. Men admire successful women, because contrary to feminist propaganda, we are quite aware of the fact that life is not all roses for a woman and success in business doubly so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Men do, however, value clear, direct communication. Don't toy around with him. Clearly say what's going on. When you think that it is slightly too much in-your-face, that is probably exactly right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tricky part is that you've already kept this from him for some time. Not enough that it can't be saved. You have two ways out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a) the direct, honest one: &quot;Dear, there's a secret I want to share with you. I don't tell this to many people, and I didn't tell it to you so far. But we've been dating for three months now, and I think you should know that I actually make more money than it seems. Much more. $x last year to be precise.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b) the less confrontational one: Wait for or create an opportunity. For example when you talk about your week, mention that hard negotiation and let the talk naturally glide towards how much it was for. When he mentions that that's a really great deal, mention that you are lucky to make such deals routinely, and btw. it didn't come up yet but you make $x a year, give or take a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that won't work long-term is to keep it a secret. The later you tell him, the more serious the message of &quot;I didn't trust you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T14:33:01.413" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3319" CreationDate="2017-09-05T14:36:03.970" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your relationship cannot improve&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might look like a black and white answer, but from what you told us, your wife does not want the relation to get better, and most of all, does not have anything to gain from making the relationship any better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Put every chance at your side&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I understand, the divorce is yet to happen, so the only thing you can do is to try to put every single chance on your side for the divorce. As you probably know, most of the time divorce courts almost always favor women over men, unless there is some very grave factor to take into account (being unfaithful is not one of those factors.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some thing you can do to make thing go in your way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Record your phone call(s) with her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the state you are living in (assuming you are living in the USA), you might have to right to record your phone call with her. Some states allow you to do so if at least one the concerned parties know about the recording taking place. &lt;strong&gt;Note that if she lives in a different state than yours, both states have to allow this.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might seem underhanded, but if she does act the way you describe, it might give a court of divorce some much needed evidence of her behavior, which is manipulative and almost sociopathic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make sure that your oldest son has his say in the divorce&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that involving your son is not something any decent parent wants to do. But they are the most important part of the divorce, and they can provide what they're living to a court. If your son is in as much distress as described, then it is of utmost importance that his point of view is heard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Use every legal document you have proving that she lied&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You told us that she falsely accused you of at least 2 different crimes, which warranted an investigation or at least an arrest. If it has been proven that those accusations were not founded, it will have a lot of weight in the divorce, because it will prove that she can and will lie for her own benefit. Even if it means potentially putting an innocent in jail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Write down everything she does that causes harm to your children&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From her preventing your children to see their grandmother on her deathbed, to her preventing you from seeing your son, including her making your kids having a part in her affair, they're all important details that might make things favor you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get a lawyer&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of her actions are illegal, and dangerous to not only you, but your kids as well. A lawyer might be able to help you, and can tell you how you should handle things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-05-21T16:55:44.303" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T16:55:44.303" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3322" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3326" CreationDate="2017-09-05T15:02:43.377" Score="13" ViewCount="8462" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's say I'm interviewing a person that has likely gone through significant personal hardship.  The purpose of the interview is ultimately to provide a short documentary of that person's life experiences leading up to the present.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;The worst thing that's ever happened to them&quot; is relevant to the interview, but asking the question straight out strikes me as possibly insensitive and possibly exploitative.  It's not always clear to me what's socially appropriate and why (it seems arbitrary), so I'm curious if there's is a better, perhaps more respectful, way to get at that information ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The context would be interviewing people from various walks of life, documentary style.  For instance, interviewing drug addicts about their life for a documentary.  They could come from any walk of life, but somehow ended up dealing with this adverse condition.  There were probably a series of unfortunate events that culminated in their addiction, but it seemed like asking about &quot;the worst&quot; event, would give some scope to previous events without having to go through a laundry list of items.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5037" LastEditorUserId="5037" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T23:17:52.623" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T14:35:11.260" Title="Asking someone &quot;What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you&quot;?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-09-07T11:03:02.777" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3323" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3322" CreationDate="2017-09-05T15:14:21.490" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Context is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you say it is &quot;relevant to the interview&quot; I'd imagine the interviewee wouldn't be too caught off-guard by such a question (I'd hope).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the wording is fine in this context, however, prelude the entire interview or this question with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some questions/the next question touch on sensitive, personal topics. Feel free to ask to skip a question if you do not feel comfortable answering it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a personal interview that it seems you're doing, making the interviewee feel safe and secure is important which usually means being upfront about the type of interview and the areas the questions are meant to cover. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T15:14:21.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3319" CreationDate="2017-09-05T15:15:32.250" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As user3399 already mentioned, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;get a lawyer&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Make sure it is a specialist and that it is a top professional. Do NOT pick someone from the phone book, you need a (local) top dog. Seeking trusted references is the best way to go about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also make sure you build your case. Create a log of every (nasty) event and capture whatever you can &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;on paper&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Everything else will be built upon the paper trail you gather now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next it is worth the effort to see that some &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;mediation&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; process can be started to proceed with the minimal needed communication. This mediator should be able to find and enforce a non-toxic middle ground and enable progress so you both can move forward. This will have to fit in with the legal process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally it may be possible to start a medical/counselling process for your kids. How and where will depend on your local situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is, beside intensely sad also truly serious and has the potential to get a lot worse. You need to engage professionals. It is probably best to try and minimize direct 1-1 contact. For protection, to have a witness. Godspeed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T15:15:32.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-05T15:22:57.017" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can speak as a follow Canadian public transit rider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have also received condescending / insulted looks for doing this, even from people carrying lots of stuff. Canadian politeness (&quot;No, you take it, I insist&quot;), personal pride, and the almost British keep-your-eyes-to-yourself attitude on public transit are all at play here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution is often to make the seat vacant with no fanfare or chivalry. ie simply stand up and move over a few paces so that they are the closest person to the vacant seat. This way you are not forcing a reaction from them: it's their choice whether to view it as an offer, open a dialogue with you, or to completely ignore it as you wanting to stretch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3101" LastEditorUserId="3101" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T15:28:50.400" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T15:28:50.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3322" CreationDate="2017-09-05T15:26:50.293" Score="58" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;The worst thing that's ever happened to them&quot; is relevant to the interview...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worst thing that's ever happened to them might &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; be relevant to the point of the interview. Maybe they were sexually assaulted by someone they trusted (just an example.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you can ask that question framing it by relevance only to the reason your documenting their history. Maybe,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you consider the most discouraging experience you had with regard to x?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What would you say was the low point in your journey?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These might sound like they're splitting hairs, and the interviewee might understand what was meant by the question, but the original question might be one they would feel was irrelevant or too painful to reveal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T15:26:50.293" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3327" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-05T15:54:01.157" Score="44" ViewCount="11470" Body="&lt;p&gt;I found myself in a peculiar situation yesterday. I was contacted via Facebook by a person (let's call him Bob) who claimed that he was one of my mom's cousins and hadn't talked to her in over 40 years. He asked that I try to confirm that we were in fact related, and put him in touch with my mom. Normally, I'd be suspicious about this, but a few things made me consider what he was saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Bob&quot; knew my mom's maiden name, which she still uses (but is different than my own). The last name he gave is the same as hers, and it's not a common one. It's also not easily available information.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He knew some things about family history that a non-family member wouldn't know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My mom does actually have some cousins she hasn't talked to for over 40 years (and then only briefly), including one with &quot;Bob&quot;'s name. They still live in the country her family's from, though, and they have no easy way of contacting each other.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He didn't ask for her email or any sort of contact information; he just asked if my mom and I could confirm that we're related.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, it doesn't seem like this is a scam - partly because what he says fits with family history, and partly because we can't see what exactly a scammer could get out of all this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We want to ask &quot;Bob&quot; for some more familial information or something like it - just to try to see if he's actually the &quot;Bob&quot; we're related to. However, we really don't want to be rude about it. I need to phrase things delicately enough so that he understands that we want to confirm things, without offending him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things are also a little complicated because &quot;Bob&quot; is from the United Kingdom, and we're from the United States. The cultures are pretty similar, but there are still differences when it comes to politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T16:10:30.543" LastActivityDate="2019-07-18T00:28:51.647" Title="How can I ask a possible long-lost relative to prove his identity?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3322" CreationDate="2017-09-05T16:26:37.570" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whether or not it is important to the context of the interview doesn't actually matter - the right to volunteer this information is, and should always be, in their hands.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if this 'interview' is for the sake of therapy, to personally help the person with life problems, you cannot force them to share this information - and attempting to will only further alienate you from that person.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you absolutely need this information, you need to establish trust with the person first - not just a written contract, but an understanding between you and the person that the information will not be shared with &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt; else, because that information could be extremely personal.  And if you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; intend to share it with others, then the trust between you and this person needs to be even stronger.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always ask first - be upfront about what you intend to do with this information, and if they refuse, you can continue with the interview and get back to it later, to see if they have changed their mind.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if the person refuses to share this information at all - you need to respect that, and find another way to conduct this interview.  Ultimately, it is their own choice whether or not it is something you should know.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T16:26:37.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3327" CreationDate="2017-09-05T16:42:53.810" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;What a coincidence! Last week, I got a phone call. It was from someone claiming to be a cousin (living in another country) that I hadn't spoken to in 48 years. He was driving down to Washington and he wanted to get together for lunch. Since he remembered specific examples of our activities, it wasn't hard at all to believe him. We had lunch, and had a wonderful time reminiscing. I think I'll try to get up to where he lives next year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of decades ago, my father was contacted by a person claiming to be his dead older brother's illegitimate son from an affair, and he wanted to meet his extended family. My father was a very suspicious guy, and was convinced that the guy was going to try to bilk them out of money. But, talking with his brothers and sisters, they decided to throw the guy a party. The guy flew from halfway across the US to come, and it was a great party, and the guy was the spitting image of my dead uncle, and knew things (like his father's war stories) that only a family member would know. The person was very grateful to be accepted into the family and kept up with his aunts, uncles, and some cousins for many years. And he never tried to sell them anything or asked for money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess my point is, what's the harm in believing him? Sit back and enjoy. If he talks long enough, you'll get proof; the longer it takes, the more suspicious you can be. But treat him kindly and like you're happy to hear from him (if you are) and sooner or later, you'll know if you all are related or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just don't give him the last 4 digits of your mother's Social Security Number.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;*Or any other sensitive information that an identity thief might want.&lt;/sub&gt;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2045" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T10:01:29.870" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T10:01:29.870" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-05T16:44:58.657" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;How do I get through this social event without alcohol?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For most people, the answer to this question is alcohol.  But the point isn't actually the alcohol. Most people believe they need alcohol to relax, but this seems to be a conditioned response.  If people are told they're drinking alcohol they will behave tipsy. &lt;a href=&quot;http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3035442.stm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Regardless of whether they are or not&lt;/a&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also worth noting that in subcultures where people don't drink, like Mormons in the USA, people are often unexpectedly lively at parties. Because they don't require alcohol to allow themselves to behave that way.  Whether you behave more or less friendly or freely is a choice, one you can force yourself to make.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps the reality is that for most people alcohol is a party placebo. Many assume adulthood requires strict control of one's inhibitions.  It's not acceptable to be playful, which we associate with being childish - even though such a state is usually benign and importantly joyful.  Basically, alcohol is used by most people as an excuse to be free and have fun in an otherwise tightly regulated social environment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people won't care if you are drinking or not.  The point is having an opportunity to socialise.  Your seniors are not unhappy about your absence because you don't drink.  It's because they want to get to know you better, so you can feel less awkward around each other at work.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you repeatedly refuse to show they'll feel upset, because that implies you don't care about them.  Whether you do or not is besides the point, it's polite to make an effort.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't drink.  If there's a social event (and alcohol is always part of it) I will go early, stay for a few hours, do the rounds.  By which I mean make an effort to say hello to everyone and ask them about non-work things, then leave before it gets too late and they get too drunk.  The more people you chat with, the more likely you are to find someone you can really enjoy chatting with.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How are you to behave?  Just be friendly.  Say hello to as many people as possible and ask them questions.  That'll leave a good impression.  You might even have a laugh, have a really interesting conversation with a colleague, or bump into an attractive person from another department.  Maybe they'll be a shy introvert as well!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I too find many social gatherings draining, and enjoy a considerable amount of alone time.  But the bottom line is this: you are at a social event to be social.  I have to force myself to be social sometimes, I don't find it natural.  But like anything else, you'll get better with practice.  It's only for a few hours.  The experience is what you make it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1923" LastEditorUserId="1923" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T07:57:36.743" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T07:57:36.743" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-05T16:56:33.057" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this instance I'd recommend reaching for the bottle. It's always appropriate in a professional work setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start out on Whiskey, neat with ice and knock that stuff back as if the world is about to end. If you start to feel a little iffy from the alcohol, I'd recommend smoking the largest cigars you can get your hands on, inhale deep and often (even though cigar smoke isn't supposed to be inhaled). The cigars will take your mind off the alcohol for a short while, bonus points if you blow the smoke into the face of the person who noticed you haven't been attending work shindigs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel a little slow or sick after the alcohol and cigars, you can always try harder substances. The trick at work gatherings is to be so god awfully off the wall that you never get invited again. You should also try eating an onion and several cloves of garlic before arriving at the fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing as though this is a fair you'll likely get brownie points with your colleagues if you release any animals in captivity, especially big cats with large teeth such as lions, tigers or cheetahs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Failing this, simply go and chat to your colleagues. Try to get to know your more like minded colleagues a little better. Most people who drink at work gatherings do so as a light social lubricant. Most people aren't going to get smashed at a work party as it's unprofessional. Being coerced by colleagues or superiors is a little sleazy but hey, sometimes these things happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5049" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T16:56:33.057" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3327" CreationDate="2017-09-05T16:59:30.167" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that &quot;Bob&quot; contacted you on Facebook, does he have a public profile? Can you cross reference Bob's info on other social media platforms?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just thinking that simply skimming over his posts, photos, friends, and maybe even friends of friends could give you a brief picture of who this person is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also asking him how he found you on social media, may be revealing. Do you have any mutual friends? Did he go looking for you? If he went looking for you, how did he know it was you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another fairly simple approach would be to engage in polite conversation with Bob and ask about mutual family members that you are more certain about. As in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey it's been a long time, have you heard from cousin Alice, or aunt Jane?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't sound like a scam thus far, but I suppose anything is possible. If it is a scam he'll likely get to it pretty quickly, asking for info that a cousin wouldn't necessarily need or want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T16:59:30.167" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3333" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3338" CreationDate="2017-09-05T17:31:20.827" Score="18" ViewCount="2971" Body="&lt;p&gt;Anybody who has a sibling when growing up knows what it means to get his/her possessions taken without giving any permission, especially if they are the same sex and around the same age. This is somehow &quot;normal&quot; when very young.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem for me is that my brother is still acting in this way, even if we are both in our 30s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't live together and we don't even meet very often, but for some reasons we still have a lot of possessions that are in &quot;shared&quot; spaces. For instance, we have a family vacation house in the mountains where we both occasionally go during the holidays. I used to keep there some clothes, some bikes and a lot of other stuff to make my holidays more pleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does my brother do then? I can give you a few examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Very often I find my clothes dirty or somehow ruined. For instance, once he used some of my &quot;vacation&quot; clothes to work in the garden and to paint and they were basically unusable after that. When confronted he shrugged it off as &quot;well they were old and at least now there are some working clothes around here&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;One year he sold some of our old bikes (which belonged to our grandfather) without even consulting me. When confronted he's comment was &quot;well they were not really yours, were they? At least I freed some space&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;One year he told me he was using my &quot;good&quot; bike to get around. When I went there after a few weeks he was not using it anymore. I tried to use it and discovered that was broken and needed some costly work of maintenance. I asked him about it and he said that when he used it last time it was COMPLETELY fine, perfect. Nobody else used it though.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;More than once it happened that I left some tool in the apartment of my parents and found it broken after a few weeks. After a quick investigation, I discovered that he had used it multiple times.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happens very frequently for a lot of stuff and when confronted he generally gets very aggressive, at the point of threatening physical violence if I insist on his responsibilities. He never offers to &quot;repay&quot; something he broke or to help in any way. He always answers that what he did was perfectly acceptable (even when mostly it isn't) or that he was not responsible (when clearly there is no other excuse).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents (that are still alive and in their 60s) are generally very passive about this. They somehow understand that he occasionally has this behavior but (and I agree with them here) don't want to intrude. Sometimes they offered to repay for his damages but I have always refused because I really don't think they are responsible in any way. The only reason I include them in this question is because they are the main reason I still interact with my brother and it may be relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So well the question is, how should I deal with someone like him? At the moment my strategy is to just avoid him, and be more careful with my properties. I try not to leave my things around him and such, but, as you can guess, this causes my some inconveniences. Any other idea?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5048" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T17:42:57.720" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T14:22:45.350" Title="How should I deal with a close relative that &quot;uses&quot; my possessions?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-05T17:41:21.623" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Go to the event and do &quot;drink.&quot; Just not alcohol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another poster suggested alcohol free beer or grape juice that looks like wine. My drink of choice was coca-cola. If pressed, I would ask for just a &quot;splash&quot; of rum so I could claim that it was &quot;rum and coke.&quot; All the &quot;re-fills&quot; were just coke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, you need to be &quot;seen&quot; at these events. Preferably with a &quot;glass&quot; in hand. What the actual contents are is up to you. The issue is one of &quot;face time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the &quot;contents&quot; of the discussions, don't sweat it. People are there to &quot;drink,&quot; not to talk, and will probably have forgotten what they talked about in a day or two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T17:41:21.623" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-05T17:58:24.917" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;My own policy is, when I am seated and the conveyance has no empty seats (or none nearby), and there is a person who apparently needs the seat more than I do -- because of age, physical condition, children (inside or out), or any other reason -- I get up and move closer to the door.  I don't inform the person of my opinion of them or of my motives generally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One time on BART, a young woman said to me, &quot;Excuse me, I'm pregnant.  Would you mind if I took your seat?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, I sprang to my feet, but as she sat, I noticed that she was quite lithe, not at all pregnant to look at her.  &quot;So,&quot; I enquired.  &quot;How long have you been pregnant?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;About a half-hour,&quot; she answered sweetly, &quot;and boy, I am &lt;em&gt;pooped&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5052" LastEditorUserId="5052" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T20:56:01.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T20:56:01.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3336" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-09-05T18:00:05.037" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are already a lot of answers posted, but I still feel compelled to make a point I don't think anyone else has:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's probably not meant as a question, just an observation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The manager could have also said &quot;There's no one else here, huh?&quot; This is not really a interrogative sentence, question mark or no. This can be seen as a form of small talk, or even just your manager talking to herself in a way. You can respond with &quot;Yeah, I guess so&quot; (an equally unnecessarily confirmation) or &quot;Yep&quot; or nothing at all. This is just a normal way humans express themselves (surprise or frustration that no one else is in attendance, for example). Don't get so hung up on how to respond to this non-question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4757" LastEditorUserId="4757" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T18:52:35.677" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T18:52:35.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3337" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1057" CreationDate="2017-09-05T18:09:20.090" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;if their &quot;help&quot; is not interfering with you, then it's their right and you should simply ignore it. if you must, you can ask for privacy. if their &quot;help&quot; is interfering with you, then you can simply ask them to get out of your way. in either case, the simple expression &quot;would you please excuse me for a moment?&quot; should get the point across. if they do not immediately comply with either request, i have found squaring my shoulders and silently staring people down to be surprisingly fast and effective. of course, i am a 100kg guy, so your mileage may vary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3631" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T18:09:20.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3333" CreationDate="2017-09-05T18:13:18.787" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have already tried Plan A: talk to him about it. This is a good first step and often a straightforward talk to clearly define your boundaries and expectations can resolve the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, since this behavior has persisted for a long time and he insists he has done no wrong, it is time for you to &lt;strong&gt;stop giving him chances&lt;/strong&gt;. Remove any possessions you value from the shared spaces. Keep them somewhere safe and under your control. If he can't get to your stuff, he can't ruin it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention that it is inconvenient for you to not keep things there. Is there any lockable storage at the vacation home? Perhaps you could get a small shed or tool chest that you could put a lock on. If not, keep it at home. You have to decide whether you would rather have convenience or keep your possessions safe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could be done over a period of time to make it less noticeable, but you risk more damage in the meantime. If done all at once, your brother might note these changes and take the hint, or just be passive-aggressive (in which case you can simply ignore his moping). However, your description of his behavior makes me think he is more likely to confront you. You should have an explanation prepared and rehearsed so you can respond calmly. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, I moved my [tools, clothes, etc.]. Every time I leave something here, it ends up damaged, and I'm tired of paying to repair or replace it. I've asked you before to stop using my things without permission but it keeps happening, so I have decided to store them at my house / locked up to keep them safe. If you need to use something of mine, let me know and I can help you find a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Wordsmith as necessary, for what you are actually willing to do.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will mention another option which is not necessarily a &quot;good&quot; one: You could use external concerns as an excuse (&quot;I heard about recent bike thefts in the area, better safe than sorry!&quot;). This might work in certain situations, but your brother may very well see through that and become angry you lied to him. (Plus lying is generally not a great plan.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T18:13:18.787" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3319" CreationDate="2017-09-05T18:16:02.723" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm divorced twice and and have experienced some of what you're going through.  Hopefully my experience can help you a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have said, get a lawyer immediately. Your rights need to be protected. In that sense, it's not personal. It's not about &quot;making her pay&quot; or revenge or anything of the sort. It's about 2 things and 2 things only:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What's best for the children (which is 2 parents who actively parent)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your rights as a parent.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lawyer is not only advisable, it's necessary. Just like you wouldn't try rewire your house, remove a poisonous snake from your basement or perform surgery on yourself,don't attempt to handle legal matters without a lawyer. Talk to people you know who've been divorced, particularly who went through a nasty one involving custody, and use them to get a referral.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't agree with the notion that your relationship can't improve. What I can say is that it will probably get a lot worse before it gets better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So how can it improve?  Forgiveness.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm not joking and I'm not being spiritual. I'm saying that you need to forgive her and the person she cheated with.  It won't be easy, but let me explain why it's necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hating her doesn't hurt anyone but you. All the negative feelings you have don't affect her a bit. Hating her doesn't affect her.  It does affect your children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can you forgive her?  I would suggest 2 things: Therapy and time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm serious about therapy. It will help you get perspective and advice from someone who neither knows your ex nor you beforehand. It's objective advice on how to work on &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;.  And an emotionally healthy &quot;you&quot; is necessary if you want to be the best dad for your children and even eventually get along with your ex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not going to give you a whole list of things to do to protect your rights. Your lawyer will be able to help with that better than some internet nobodies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is one thing I will say however.  Keep your kids out of it. They don't have any say in what happens (they're too young) and anything you do will just put them in the middle.  Don't interrogate them about their mom or her SO. They need to know that you won't use them against her and believe me, they'll pick up on that a lot younger than you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; There's been good advice in other answers to make a record all the bad stuff that she does and I completely agree.  I would add too that you need to make a record of your &lt;strong&gt;good&lt;/strong&gt; relationship with your children. Video of you guys playing at the park or your house, etc. Make sure it's not contrived though. Just normal family video of you guys having positive interactions. That may come in handy down the road because you'll have established the truth of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do though, don't question the children, especially on video, unless you're able to do it in a casual or natural way (or if the children have been saying something she'll deny they said). Just remember that you don't want to look like you're interrogating, leading or coaching them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But remember, records of positive interaction is almost as necessary as records of her negative actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4631" LastEditorUserId="4631" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T14:03:18.937" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T14:03:18.937" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-05T18:44:12.433" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandfather, even when he was over 90 (!) told me he doesn't like it when people offer their seat to him on the bus, and he would refuse. He didn't like to be reminded of his old age, I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it is a very subjective thing, as there is no &quot;rule&quot; or a way to predict the reaction of a person whom you offer a seat to, based on their visible physical characteristics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I do is just free the seat without saying anything. Then there is no pressure on the person, no emotions involved, and they may really make a genuine choice whether to sit down or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume that in the case of my grandfather, if someone just freed the place without saying anything, he would have sat down. So this technique might even be more effective to aid those who are struggling, rather than complicating things for them with politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it matters, I am talking about Israel. Bus rides get hot and bumpy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5053" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T18:44:12.433" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3274" CreationDate="2017-09-05T18:44:43.620" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every company has these functions, and has attendees not drink because they're driving, pregnant, cultural reasons, just don't feel like it. Say, &quot;I'm not drinking&quot; but only if they ask. Get a seltzer or soda. Get involved in any of the activities-- I know it seems counterintuitive for the introvert/wallflower but it will keep your hands busy (and not full of beer), give you something to make small talk about, and make your presence visible. Then slip out early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The anticipation is worse than the event. You work with these people all day, another hour or two is going to be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5054" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T18:44:43.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-05T19:35:40.033" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think offering your seat to another person for the reasons you suggest is a kind gesture.  I remember years ago when I was in my thirties, my 60-something mom was with me at Jiffy Lube.  All the chairs in the waiting area were occupied. Everyone seated except a mother and daughter (I assume) were older ladies.  An elderly lady came in and looked around rather worriedly for an empty chair.  The mother and daughter I mentioned looked down their noses at the lady as if they were better than her, and they were NOT getting up for her.  I said, &quot;Ma'am, you can have my chair.&quot;  I got up, went to the picnic table out front, and had a couple of cigarettes.  I've never forgotten those two ill-mannered creatures. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5057" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T19:35:40.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1775" CreationDate="2017-09-05T19:41:02.843" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Learn to use the magic word, NO. It's really the kindest thing you can do for him. Apparently he's used up everyone else, that's why he has only you to turn to. When you finally give him a NO, without explanation he'll have the opportunity to realize he's been a one-way sort of a guy on a street that goes both ways. If you feel you must keep him, next time he visits ask him for help and don't help him until he helps you back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5058" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T19:41:02.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3344" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-05T20:17:36.657" Score="5" ViewCount="1204" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I bought a used car together a few months ago. Although it wasn't too expensive, it is in a good condition, we take care of it, and like it very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I participate in a team sport in the suburbs and I usually drive my teammates downtown after practice. Unfortunately, some of the guys simply do not respect our car as we do. They have already made minor scratches on the dashboard and visibly make themselves at home. I would like to stop it once and for all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to handle this without an embarrassing conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more thing: I joined the team a half a year ago, but most of them know each other for many years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4900" LastEditorUserId="1839" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T23:52:09.187" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T08:56:29.390" Title="How to make others respect your property (car)?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3344" CreationDate="2017-09-05T20:39:43.427" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have three choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;in the moment that a person disrespects your car, such as putting their feet somewhere inappropriate, ask them not to. You can use casual language such as &quot;Dude, seriously?&quot; or you can be funny by imitating your mother &quot;young man, were you born in a barn? Feet belong on the floor!&quot; or you can be more straightforward, but either way you are clearly asking them not to do that &lt;strong&gt;in the moment that they do it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;when it's time to give rides, choose the people who respect the car. Don't say why, just say &quot;I have room for A, B, C, and D in my car.&quot; This is awkward if A and B don't live anywhere near C and D and you're rejecting E, who does, but if you are all headed to roughly the same place, it's cool. Probably no-one will ask why you chose those 4, but if they do, you are actually under no obligation to answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;put up with the rough treatment and ruining of your possessions and consider a cost of being accepted in this group. That's what you're doing now. The sad thing is that none of the rough-and-tumblers probably feel any gratitude or happiness about being allowed to wreck your stuff. They don't even know they're doing it. So there is very little benefit accruing to you from putting up with it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me, I would politely request specific actions to stop, but would not give a speech about respecting property. And since you can't fit everyone in the car, I would also deliberately choose the people you would rather take. It's nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(For an extreme offender, you might want to do what I did once when my car, driven by my youngest, arrived at my house with a huge smeary greasy print of a bare foot on the inside of the windshield. I asked my youngest &quot;who was in the front seat?&quot; and handed that young man a roll of paper towels and a bottle of window cleaner, and sent him out to make it right. I never had to do anything else like that again and my car stayed much cleaner.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T20:39:43.427" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-05T20:49:58.103" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that you have two problems.  One is that your work can really only be understood by a small set of people that you will never meet by accident.  There are probably a lot of such groups.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where your problem is unique may be in that, as you said, it is very pure mathematics, without any concrete applications.  The question that I have, and I suspect a lot of others would have, is &quot;what's the point?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean that as a question, not to dismiss you.  I'd be interested in why you are doing what you are doing, and why those who gave you the grants and/or pay your salary are doing so.  I think there are very good reasons for these things (or else abstract math would be financially bankrupt and you'd have to do something else to earn a living), but I don't know them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question &quot;what do you do for a living&quot; isn't necessarily a quest for facts (what does it really matter at that stage of meeting someone), but a search for a conversation hook.  Sure, you may not be able to describe your specialty to a layman, but you could say something like &quot;I'm an abstract mathemetician.  Real abstract; I work on the sort of stuff that makes you able to read &lt;em&gt;Alice in Wonderland&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;understand&lt;/em&gt; it.&quot;  You're not insulting their intelligence, but warning them a little bit that following that line might take a turn for the bizarre.  If they press on, they may be willing to wade through some explanations to get their answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the next question is &quot;If it's so abstract, then why do it?&quot;  If your reason is along the lines of &quot;math is beauty&quot;, wax poetic about it.  If it's because somebody it taking a long shot about it being practical at some point, mention some math that was abstract at the time and show how it became useful.  How much work was done on the computability of prime factors of large numbers before somebody picked it up and said &quot;hey, this is a great way to keep secrets!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you honestly can say that nobody really cares about what you're doing, that you aren't impacting anything or anyone, then I'm really confused as to why you're so interested, and why people are willing to pay for that sort of stuff.  If you can show some impact, even if it's way down the line, you have a connection with the other person.  If you can't show any impact, any explanation as to why you still do it is likely to be an interesting story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5063" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T20:49:58.103" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3095" CreationDate="2017-09-05T20:55:16.550" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am fifty, a project manager at Dailmer, responsible for a key internal software application, and had/have a learning disability.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, accept that if you do not ask questions until you understand something, you'll never understand that something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, accept that when you do something another does not want you to do, it will upset them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, humility, sincerity, and contrition go a long way in getting people to do what they do not want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourth, you are at school to learn, the teacher is there to work, neither of you are there to become friends. It does not matter what either thinks of one another. What matters is what you learn, and can demonstrate what you've learned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to be a pest and apologize for being one after the teacher has answered your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5034" LastEditorDisplayName="user3306" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T20:19:40.770" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T20:19:40.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3348" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-05T21:35:34.613" Score="30" ViewCount="10237" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just spent 15 minutes talking in the hallway at work with a male coworker (I'm female) about the recent arrival of their second child. I spent the last five minutes of that chat trying to decide if I should tell him his zipper was unzipped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't generally have an issue telling other women this and I have no problems telling my spouse XYZPDQ (examine your zipper pretty darn quick) but I'm tentative about this with a friend/coworker (technically, he's my husband's coworker, but we all work in the same office) because it's awkward and (sort of) implies that you were looking in that general direction. It's doubly awkward because we were in a public space where others could overhear us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation (different genders, public space, coworkers/friends) is it appropriate to tell someone that their fly is down and (if so) how should I do this such that it will minimize the awkwardness of the statement? He's a nice guy and I'd certainly not want to make him feel uncomfortable around me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-05T21:52:04.150" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T20:21:01.150" Title="Is it appropriate to tell someone of the opposite gender &quot;your fly is down&quot;?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3333" CreationDate="2017-09-05T21:46:37.033" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tragedy_of_the_commons&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;tragedy of the commons&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're unfamiliar with this theory, I'll explain it quickly. Close to your home there is a park. If you go there, and pop a can of soda and drink it, then you have two choices: either place the empty can into the trash bin (or even better the recycling bin) and then count on our civilized society to have someone regularly empty the bin, most likely paid out of your tax money, but this is okay because you enjoy going to that park...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you throw the can over your shoulder and stop giving a damn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example: when I ride my mountain bike on trails in the spring, sometimes I have to stop because a bush of brambles have grown onto the trail during the winter. So i pull the machete out of my backpack, and chop the thorny bush up, as a courtesy to the next person who will ride that trail. I also carry a folding saw, which I have used to chop up trees that feel onto the trail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;tragedy of the commons&quot; sums up the fact that some people realize that it is in everyone's interest to keep shared goods in good shape, and sometimes that takes a tiny bit of effort. But some people simply don't care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are a civilized person who respects others' property, then you will have trouble dealing with people who consider your property theirs, then use it until it's broken, and then they say it's your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, back to your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;when confronted he generally gets very aggressive, at the point of threatening physical violence if I insist on his responsibilities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is very important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone borrows your stuff and breaks it, they should replace it or at least offer an apology, which you can accept, and then, no harm done, and everyone remains friends. But instead, he offers to punch your face. Kind of a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He never offers to &quot;repay&quot; something he broke or to help in any way. He always answers that what he did was perfectly acceptable (even when mostly it isn't) or that he was not responsible (when clearly there is no other excuse).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is because he thinks you will let him get away with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So well the question is, how should I deal with someone like him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid the answer is you don't. If he's too dumb to understand property rights, to understand that your stuff is yours... then there is no helping it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either you teach him respect, or you write him off. The first can be done, but it is messy, and if you don't have the stomach for it, then it is not for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T21:46:37.033" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-05T21:51:12.697" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, it isn't rude. I'm &quot;only&quot; 60 and don't consider myself a &quot;senior citizen&quot; - but the arthritis in my knees has distinct and negative opinions on the subject of standing or walking much. (And to show I'm a &lt;em&gt;complete&lt;/em&gt; fool - I'll even offer my seat to someone older than myself or someone younger if it looks like they need it (e.g. pregnant or with young kids) - habit :-). If you notice that someone, even someone as young as me, appears to be uncomfortable standing by all means offer them your seat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3044" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T21:51:12.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3352" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3348" CreationDate="2017-09-05T22:07:23.907" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes it may be a little awkward, but I would rather be told quickly than not. Ever notice that your own zipper was down and mentally traced your steps back to figure out how long you were walking around like that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're worried about him wondering why you were glancing in that direction, it's easy enough to create a plausible reason that you were looking down. Just act like you're checking your watch or phone for the time, and hold your phone/watch around your own waist height. When you glance downward...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, um... Looks like it's time for me to get back to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lean in slightly, and lower your voice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but Xyz* man. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then promptly turn away and carry on like it's not a big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;*XYZ is short for e&lt;strong&gt;X&lt;/strong&gt;amine &lt;strong&gt;Y&lt;/strong&gt;our &lt;strong&gt;Z&lt;/strong&gt;ipper in the US.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T23:16:53.960" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T23:16:53.960" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3322" CreationDate="2017-09-05T22:12:54.523" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;The worst thing that's ever happened to you&quot; is a sloppy, unclear, inappropriate request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Change &quot;the worst thing that's ever happened to you&quot; to &quot;a negative experience that you've had&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt; By asking for &quot;the worst&quot;, you may seem to be asking them to survey all their negative experiences and tell you the absolute worst thing. Not only is &quot;worst&quot; subjective, but many people have had some awful experiences which are unreasonable and inappropriate to discuss in almost all professional interview contexts. Such topics are generally irrelevant to the interview, and interviewees have a reasonable expectation to not be required to reconsider and describe them to people they've just met. Particularly not in interview situations, where they also might have a reasonable expectation that bringing up very bad situations might reflect badly on the impression they make on the interviewer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question strikes me as a serious violation of privacy and professional boundaries. Asking for a bio summary may be appropriate, but they should be clearly allowed to relate what they chose and to omit what they don't want to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="502" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T22:12:54.523" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-05T22:16:57.393" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;“You see, doing maths is about changing one's brain to start thinking more clearly about some ideal things, pure objects of thought. That brain changing work takes a few years before it makes sense to talk of the problem that I wrote a paper about; it's a slow process. When you're done, be welcome to ask again.”&lt;/em&gt; That way you don't blame your friends' inability to understand you on them, on their wits etc (or on your own inability to explain something). Obviously they had perfect reasons not to spend those years doing such necessary self-changing work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's if they really mean it (willing to know what you're doing right now, and so on). That is, if that's what they're willing to figure out. It may well be they want to figure out something else, like why people might need to do that kind of job, anyway (or pay for it, which is a yet different question; or why getting ideal might ever turn out to be useful, another question too).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once asked a mathematician (a kind man) whether Wikipedia might help in understanding topics like abstract algebra, without working through text-books. He answered along the lines, &lt;em&gt;“well, unless you think you could learn what ‘War and Peace’ is about from a short description, most certainly no”&lt;/em&gt;; obviously I didn't think that I could do so, so, if unclear, that answer certainly was not rude. You might think of other comparisons like this. There are other subjects where one has to learn the real thing before uttering anything at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think sarcastic answers (like starting to talk techno) are worse than what you suggested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: a shorter way to say the same: &lt;em&gt;“that's a thing nobody has yet ever explained to anybody; because it's not for explanation, it's for realisation through getting lots of experience in thinking about such objects”&lt;/em&gt;; if they ask why it's useful, &lt;em&gt;“the objects are not useful by themselves, but the thinking sometimes is”&lt;/em&gt; (opposite to the usual situation like e. g. a road is useful, but the action of building the road is not, by itself).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To explain is to link what you do with other people's experience. Those objects that mathematicians now study have never appeared in anyone else's experience (unlike roads, laws, or food); that's not just a question of terms, additional technicalities, or a complex lingo. I think the only link is not in the objects of the action, but in the very action itself, which is the thinking. Everyone has done lots of thinking in his life, whether wisely or not; so it's in everyone's experience. So, one needs to change the topic: from “what I am doing right now” to “how mathematics is done”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it is perfectly possible to give a sincere polite answer, there is an insincere alternative: to say along the lines “I don't like to discuss maths when I don't need it for my work.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5066" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T18:59:46.850" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T18:59:46.850" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-05T23:47:34.020" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll share how I handle this, mostly in subway trains:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Option 1&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I kind of wait for the person to come close enough to my seat, so that when I get up, it is obvious that they should have a claim on it. Then I get up slowly, making it obvious that I'm about to do so, to allow that person to move closer and occupy the seat, with some eye contact between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Option 2&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just ask &quot; train is about to arrive at my station, would you like to take the seat?&quot; If they do, I simply walk out of visual range so that they don't feel obliged because I got up many stations/stops before my drop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second option is exercised when I'm certain someone else might grab the seat before the &quot;target&quot;, which happens at times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5069" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T23:47:34.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3358" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1272" CreationDate="2017-09-05T23:52:57.557" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are lots of other ways to interpret the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be a simple 'hello', meaning 'okay, we see each other, let's start a conversation'. Maybe she's shy, willing to make sure you're 'in contact' with her before talking to you. Maybe she's biding for her time as she's groping in her mind for what she planned to discuss and concentrating. Maybe she's talking to herself like we all sometimes do, meaning, 'okay, what does that mean?' Maybe she was surprised and didn't keep her surprise to herself. Maybe she failed to grasp the situation at once, that doesn't mean she's not smart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best reaction is tied to that. Some unobtrusive version of 'yes' will do in all those cases, I think; maybe 'that's right' works, I don't know English well enough. Concentrate on the matter at hand, leave without much attention such subtleties of mind function. No-one is a robot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Unless there's a separate reason to think you're being trolled. But that's a different situation.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5066" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T23:52:57.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3327" CreationDate="2017-09-05T23:56:32.890" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Genealogy is your friend!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Bob is indeed your Mom's long lost cousin, you should be able to figure out the chain of relationships that makes that so. So you could say &quot;Bob, I'm trying to figure out how you are related so we can update our family tree - can you tell me the names of your parents, and do you remember how are they related to my mom's parents? - etc&quot; - and then start to build up a family tree that way. You should also be able to fill in details of Bob's brothers and sisters, and that could be confirmed with your mother or with public records.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5074" LastActivityDate="2017-09-05T23:56:32.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3360" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3322" CreationDate="2017-09-06T00:11:15.827" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Part of my job in casting was occasionally interviewing people for directors who were more interested in stories than in trained actors. They looked for cast who could naturally relate to their characters because they &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; that person rather than someone imagining what it was like to be that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For one of these films we had to interview a bunch of real prostitutes. This was something we had to do very cautiously because (as in most places) prostitution is illegal and many of these ladies are understandably cautious about checking the veracity of unsolicited contact from people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To prepare for these interviews, my boss often told us &quot;channel your inner &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terry_Gross&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Terry Gross&lt;/a&gt;&quot;. Gross's style of interviewing is extremely low key and open, she's done her research to be familiar with the person that she's interviewing and she really cares about the information she gets. This makes people want to share with her. I strongly recommend you review some of her work, how she asks questions and how she paces interviews.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Create a safe space, physically.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Really make them comfortable in the space. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Minimize the distractions - the fewer people in the room the better.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If there is only one person they have to tell their story to, they'll be more likely to share. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Arrange them so they're looking at you, with the camera just to your left or right, over your shoulder.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Ignore the camera and focus on having a conversation. You need to forget the camera if you're expecting them to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Build rapport.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't immediately go to the heart of the situation and get straight to the deep stuff... start off with some softball questions.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When we would audition kids, we'd always start off asking them questions like &quot;what's your favorite color&quot; or &quot;do you have a pet? What's its name/what type of animal is it?&quot;. These questions are easy to answer. A kid who was scared of the person running the audition will relax and do a better job in their performance. You don't need to use these questions for adults but a similar collection of easy-to-answer, slightly personal but not too personal questions will give you a start to build some rapport. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Really listen, don't judge what they say.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When people feel like they're being judged, they stop talking. Let them know that you respect them and you're taking them seriously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take your time.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;We only had 15-30 minutes in our auditions but two or three people and a camera in a room can get pretty comfortable quickly. If you can, give it an hour or two. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask the right questions.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There are two main types of questions closed ended and open ended. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Closed ended are generally yes/no questions.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You'll need some of these to know what open ended questions to ask but they tend to not give you much more than a one-word answer, which isn't very useful for a documentary.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Open ended questions are the 5 Ws (who, when, what, where, why) and How.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;These questions require more than a one-word answer and start a dialogue. Focus on these open questions. You're already working with a &quot;what&quot; question but I think this is too broad. You need to get to know them a bit first and then tailor this question to their specific story. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming they know why you're talking to them (hopefully you've set up a time to meet in a place that you've prepared), start out asking them about themselves - general questions, ask about their childhood - a good memory. You're about to walk them through some very troubling parts of their lives, start with a happy one. Then, when they seem more comfortable, ask for them to tell you about their first experience with a substance, ask some follow-up questions about that and how they felt at the beginning, then ask them to talk about their descent and when they knew they'd reached bottom and how things were different at that point. I don't think you can really cut corners and just ask them to tell you about the worst part without worrying that they won't be honest about their experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being open to someone changes what they say. If you just sit them down and ask &quot;So, tell me about the worst thing that happened to you in relation to your drug use&quot;, they're going to balk. They're not going to be in the right frame of mind. You have to work them there to get the good stuff, the valuable stuff. They may try but it's not going to be the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T04:57:41.420" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T04:57:41.420" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3361" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-06T00:56:19.380" Score="12" ViewCount="2295" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you ever met one of those people who's been everywhere and done everything and doesn't know anyone who hasn't?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like no matter what you have to say they have to tell a bigger, better, and often longer story?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually chalk this behavior up to ego issues, but I don't really know how to respond to it when it starts to get a little irritating. I don't mind people who have interesting stories to tell, what gets me is the way some people feel the need to minimize other people's stories and experiences with this sort of self aggrandizing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's an appropriate way to get this kind of person to settle down, without shutting them down completely? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The specific person I have in mind is otherwise a decent human being, they just have an annoying habit that I'd like to address in a &lt;em&gt;mostly polite way.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T01:05:23.697" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T16:27:08.500" Title="How do you deal with someone who always has to one up everyone?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3362" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3402" CreationDate="2017-09-06T02:25:53.577" Score="2" ViewCount="548" Body="&lt;p&gt;The replier (the 'someone' in this question's title) is the most senior and only person who can resolve my matter; I contacted his superior who again referred me to him and told me that he's that department's chief. But the replier really needn't as long as he does (e.g. 1 week) to reply. My attempt #1 was polite:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I often do not hear from you within two business days and worry about the slow progress, and hope to expedite our communication please.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His response does not suggest any change in speed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Please be assured that  I always try to reply as soon as possible, but I am often out of the office, or need to consult other staff who may be  away too. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I politely intensify my request to get a quicker response? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:31:38.423" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T19:31:38.423" Title="How to request quicker replies from someone who is often out of the office, and nobody else can help?" Tags="&lt;email&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3363" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3362" CreationDate="2017-09-06T03:23:05.827" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think there's much for you to do here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already contacted them about this, raised your concerns regarding the delays in their responses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They responded back saying they're doing the best they can considering their busy schedules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this person is your senior, I would consider it rude to push him to be more responsive towards your queries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will have to look for someone else to help you, or other ways if there's no other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if they're not your senior, I don't think you can force them to speed things up, unless you employed them, or you are the manager.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're the manager, you could try and streamline their work to fit your requirements. Minimise their need to be away from office or something to prioritise your requests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T04:32:07.520" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T04:32:07.520" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3327" CreationDate="2017-09-06T03:57:49.857" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was contacted many years ago (via email) by somebody in the US who asked if I was related to so-and-so, who is my father.  We have an unusual last name, which this person does not share.  He identified himself as Aunt so-and-so's son.  I remembered Aunt so-and-so from childhood but didn't know her last name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He said he was doing a genealogy project and was looking for contact information.  I confirmed that the person he was looking for is my father but gave out no other personal information (yet).  He asked for contact information, and I said I'd pass his along.  I recommend this practice in &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; case where the person being sought doesn't already have published contact information, by the way; if somebody has chosen not to plaster his email address all over the net, or has chosen to have an unlisted phone number, then if I give it out I'm violating his privacy.  Instead, you can preserve the recipient's privacy while still making the contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I passed his email along and my father -- who knew more about the relevant family members than I did anyway -- wrote back with pleasantries, general information about our family that isn't hard to find, and questions like &quot;how's cousin Ted?&quot; and &quot;is Joe still working at, er, what's the name of that drug-research company he was at?&quot;.  No &quot;grilling&quot; occurred, nor did anybody particularly suspiciously, but by sharing some information &lt;em&gt;with gaps&lt;/em&gt; and by asking broad questions about other people they both should know, each participant could learn enough to conclude that the other was the right person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They concluded that they were in fact relatives who hadn't talked in decades, and they're in more regular contact now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T03:57:49.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3348" CreationDate="2017-09-06T04:39:04.833" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure how others would want to be notified of it, but I'd like to avoid bigger embarrassments, always.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd prefer to be notified as quickly as possible. I'd welcome being notified in the form of a quick &quot;please check your zipper&quot; leaning in closer, if a colleague or friend were to notice this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd expect there's no need for making it more awkward by beating around the bush, sort of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've not had to notify others too many times, and I've not had such an error on my part many times either. So I'm not sure how well others will agree with my expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recall, maybe one or two at most. I'm under 30. Forgetfulness in these matters hasn't been a major issue yet. I have simply acted upon the prompt, did my zipper and carried on with the conversation as usual. With friends, that is. Never happened in an office setting yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T19:16:58.887" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T19:16:58.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3361" CreationDate="2017-09-06T05:30:52.487" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like NVZ said, I usually move on from the subject as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people get hints easier than others, at the start I would simply not give back any positive feedback to their story if it's of the 'one up' nature. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A polite way of doing this is changing the topic once they are done to something completely different - Not another story because it might still seem to them like you're in the 1-up battle by bringing a better story to the table, but more like just general conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A less polite way to handle it would be to walk away once they are done with their story, giving no positive feedback. Eventually, they'll realize that not only are they not getting the ego boost they are looking for but that they're alienating you in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more direct approach, I have had one good friend with whom I took this approach, was to be direct, say something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes I get the feeling that you're not listening to me when I talk, quite often I want to share a personal story with you and end up feeling as if you're only waiting for me to finish to tell your own story on the subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure the intentions are not to 'one up' you, so by changing their position from a less talkative to a more attentive one might keep them on topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a last resort, which I've also taken many times, simply disregard that friend as such a close friend, accept them for who they are and understand that sometimes it's not your job to change them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also be wary of your surroundings, sometimes (often?) the 'one uppers' will be more of the 'one up' nature when in a crowd but behave completely different in a 1:1 conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4608" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T15:06:28.880" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:06:28.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3297" CreationDate="2017-09-06T06:08:58.520" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just like people who exaggerate when they say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You simply &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; see this movie. (&lt;em&gt;Must I?&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;That was totally awesome. (&lt;em&gt;It wasn't that extraordinary&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So did the OP when they stated&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes &lt;strong&gt;a complete stranger&lt;/strong&gt;, or someone I've only known very recently, will recommend something to me, saying: I'm sure you'll love it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe going up to a complete stranger and telling them that they'll love the detersive they have picked off a shelf is common practice in the US, but nothing similar has ever happened to me in Italy, in the UK or in Ireland.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now someone will point out that the OP is talking in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exactly my point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all say things that should not be taken literally, they're just figures of speech. It's &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Small_talk&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;small talk&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; that is meant to be friendly. That is meant to help break the ice and connect one fellow human being with another. Why be suspicious or wary when someone shares their enthusiasm? As long as they're not selling you real estate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, take the opportunity for thanking them, and ask your own follow-up question. Delve into the &amp;quot;whys&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;whens&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;ifs&amp;quot;. As explained in &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Small_talk#Purpose&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this Wikipedia article on small talk&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;small talk&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In spite of seeming to have little useful purpose, &lt;strong&gt;small talk is a bonding ritual&lt;/strong&gt; and a strategy for managing interpersonal distance. It serves many functions in helping to define the relationships between friends, colleagues, and new acquaintances. &lt;strong&gt;In particular, it helps new acquaintances to explore and categorize each other's social position.&lt;/strong&gt; Small talk is closely related to the need for people to maintain positive face and feel approved of by those who are listening to them. &lt;strong&gt;It lubricates social interactions in a very flexible way,&lt;/strong&gt; but the desired function is often dependent on the point in the conversation at which the small talk occurs:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Conversation opener&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;At the end of a conversation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Space filler to avoid silence&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The OP will verify if the utterances were said to either open a conversation or to fill a moment of silence that the interlocutor perceived to be either awkward or unnecessarily strained.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2021-01-18T22:24:30.300" LastActivityDate="2021-01-18T22:24:30.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3348" CreationDate="2017-09-06T06:38:18.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speed is usually of the essence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The longer the OP waits, the more likelihood of it being more embarrassing for both parties. If the OP waits longer than ten minutes, the guy might think to himself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What!?&lt;/em&gt;  (BrEng) &lt;em&gt;How long have my flies been unopened?&lt;/em&gt; OR (AmEng) &lt;em&gt;How long was my fly open?&lt;/em&gt; We've been talking fifteen minutes, and &amp;quot;now&amp;quot; she tells me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time, a polite &lt;em&gt;harrumph&lt;/em&gt; (a clearing of the throat) and a pointed fleeting glance at the gentlemen's buckle area should suffice. One could even quickly point at that area. The sooner this is done the better. Done with a smile is always nicer too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT Sept 08 2017&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The downvotes have mainly objected to the wording of &amp;quot;flies&amp;quot; which is British English and not specific to the US. However, my answer consists of &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;non-verbal gestures and eye contact&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;. Hard to believe that this solution is inapplicable in the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_world&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Western world&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A British journalist relates an anecdote which illustrates that simple words and a commonly used phrase on both sides of the Atlantic &lt;a href=&quot;http://dare.wisc.edu/survey-results/1965-1970/clothing-mens-and-womens/w24c&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are flying low&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; can be equally, if not more so, effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An entire article, pertinent to the OP's dilemma, is found in the &lt;em&gt;Huffington Post&lt;/em&gt; (UK edition).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/bill-coles/social-howlers_b_7971210.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;“Your Flies Are Undone!”&lt;/strong&gt; - Social Howlers and How to Deal With Them&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A while back, I was having afternoon tea, of all things, with some ladies and an elderly gent. […] In the manner of these grand old silverbacks, (the gentleman) his knees were spread wide. I happened to glance down and nearly spat my tea out - he wasn’t just flying low, his under-carriage was practically out on the chair. The ladies had already spotted this wardrobe malfunction; they didn’t know where to look.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I leant over to the old gent - “Hey!” I hissed into his ear. “Your flies are undone!”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“What? What?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Your fly buttons are undone!”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“What was that?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“You. Are. Flying. Low!”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Ohh. Oh! Oh dear me!”&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;The undercarriage is retracted. The ladies shuffle awkwardly. I busy myself with another sandwich. Later, over a Tio Pepe sherry, the old buffer explained to me how, in starchier times, Brits had a ton of euphemisms for all these social faux-pas. I like them. I like them a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't believe this needed mentioning at all but I am also a woman,  consequently, I do relate to the OP's embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just spent 15 minutes talking in the hallway at work with a male coworker (I'm female) […]&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I'm tentative about this with a friend/coworker (technically, &lt;strong&gt;he's&lt;/strong&gt; my husband's coworker, but we all work in the same office) because it's awkward &lt;strong&gt;and (sort of) implies that you were looking in that general direction.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I would still opt for the &lt;em&gt;harrumph&lt;/em&gt;, (a discreet cough) a nod and a telling glance at the gentlemen's buckle area. I think it is more &lt;em&gt;polite&lt;/em&gt;, potentially less embarrassing than saying &amp;quot;Your fly is open&amp;quot; and (added bonus)  you don't have to stumble around thinking of a witty way of saying to a gentleman, &amp;quot;You forgot to zip up your pants.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T22:45:11.100" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3348" CreationDate="2017-09-06T07:34:42.533" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If what you're trying to avoid is the awkward feeling or just plain not trying to let them think you were looking there in the first place, you could do these 2 things&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to compliment his pants in (&quot;oh i really like your pants. but i think &#xA;your fly is open&quot;). Be creative. you can also tell him about his fly by &#xA;joking and hope he catches on ;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or you could try and compliment his shoes when you both make eye contact &#xA;and slowly lower your sight to his shoes then repeat #1 on telling him on &#xA;his open fly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1 and 2 are pretty much the same. What should vary would be how you tell him about his open fly as people might react differently. These suggestions only make it seem that you weren't looking there on purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5020" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T07:34:42.533" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3375" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3348" CreationDate="2017-09-06T08:31:38.920" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe, if done discreetly and respectfully it is always polite to notify anyone of a wardrobe issue.  I have had some massively embarrassing things happen and sometimes people told me, sometimes I figured it out myself.  If you feel embarrassed when someone tells you (and you might) you can at least take some comfort that the situation is corrected and they saved you from &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; people seeing the issue.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people have had this happen.  Perhaps someone out there is so good at double checking they haven't had it, but I would guess nearly all people have.  So while it is awkward, it's common and generally I treat it as minor and not a big deal.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have accidentally had a breast out at least several times either answering my door or in public because I was in the middle of nursing a baby and something interrupted me and I actually totally forgot that step of putting the breast away &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; only half tucked and thought I got it, but missed the mark. (I chalk that up to sleep deprivation, as it happened when my babies were small &amp;amp; life was a little overly hectic and blurry still). It is incredibly embarrassing in the moment, but it passes.  I'd much rather have a zipper down, because in my several or so decades of seeing people have this mistake, I've never once &lt;em&gt;seen&lt;/em&gt; anything, other than a zipper down.  I am sure something &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; get exposed, but I'd say it's rare and it's more of a minor aesthetic clothing issue the vast majority of the time, hence I said treating it like &lt;em&gt;no big deal&lt;/em&gt;.  I'd treat it in tone like an untied shoe, but I'd make more of a point to be discreet in saying it simply because we &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; find a zipper down to &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; a &lt;em&gt;little&lt;/em&gt; weird but most adults have had it happen to them on occasion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T08:31:38.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1960" CreationDate="2017-09-06T08:45:42.643" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problems that arise if I say the actual salary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's confidential information that we are exposing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's too low, the other person and myself will feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's too high, they feel &lt;em&gt;oh, he is earning a lot of money, and see how is he living, what might he be doing with that money&lt;/em&gt; etc..&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I don't say what my salary is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They will think that I am not close to them and hiding my salary, and then their feeling will get hurt.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I avoid asking other people about their salary. Instead, I will ask about work, health, environment, or at the most will ask if they are getting enough salary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1936" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T08:45:42.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3322" CreationDate="2017-09-06T08:51:50.973" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try turning the question around:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the hardest challenge you had to overcome?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you are interviewing this person because you are interested in them, you should consider not only what happened to them, but also &lt;strong&gt;their response&lt;/strong&gt; to what happened. How an event shapes a person depends not only on the event, but also on how the person reacted to the event. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are &lt;strong&gt;two reasons&lt;/strong&gt; why this question is better:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) It creates a more interesting interview! True, what happened is relevant to their story, but &lt;strong&gt;how they dealt with it&lt;/strong&gt; is important as well. Overcoming a difficult challenge brings the best from a person, and how a challenge is faced varies from person to person. &lt;strong&gt;It lets them talk about their emotions and thoughts&lt;/strong&gt;. This question would help illustrate some traits potentially unique to the person being interviewed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) This one depends on the outcome of the event. It gives the interviewed person a chance to &lt;strong&gt;focus on something more positive&lt;/strong&gt;. What happened is expected to be a very negative experience (as the question stated, &quot;the worst&quot;). If the outcome of this challenge was positive or had positive consequences, it gives them the chance to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4567" LastEditorUserId="4567" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T14:35:11.260" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T14:35:11.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3378" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3344" CreationDate="2017-09-06T08:56:29.390" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a car owner &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; observer of people, for many years now, some of this &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be corrected, some won't.  I can use a metaphor.  I&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I bought a house together a few months ago. Although&#xA;  it wasn't too expensive, it is in a good condition, we take care of&#xA;  it, and like it very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We have a lot of friends and a busy social life.  We often have people&#xA;  over to our house as they all have apartments and such that are too&#xA;  small to accommodate the gatherings. Unfortunately, some of them&#xA;  simply do not respect our home as we do. They have already made minor&#xA;  scratches on the counter, stains in the carpets and visibly make&#xA;  themselves at home. I would like to stop it once and for all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is the issue where I say &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; can't be stopped.  The more people you load into a car, the more it's at capacity, the more likely things will get damaged.  There is also the issue that you are loading a bunch of men (likely young?) with the energy of just coming off a sporting event to travel to another location enclosed in relatively tight space, and likely their behavior will be a bit exuberant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would say there are likely two things here.  You can for sure try to minimize the wear and tear on the car from giving these rides, but you won't eliminate it.  The more people you put into any space, the likelihood of damage goes up exponentially.  The more energetic/pumped up/exuberant the passengers, again, another risk factor as people are distracted and overly rough with their bodies when excited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would simply say it before loading in the car.  As I walk toward the car with the people I am going to transport I'd say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey guys, please be a little careful getting in &amp;amp; out with your gear. &#xA;  There have been a few accidental dings and scratches and I might want&#xA;  to resell this thing.  You all are awesome, but transporting 5 sweaty&#xA;  athletes isn't likely going to ever be a selling point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And expect &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; damage.  You really have to.  It's part of life.  We have hosted lots of parties.  When we first bought a house I used to find it so frustrating how impossible it seemed to keep such issues at bay.  Eventually I realized you can't.  It's &lt;em&gt;part of&lt;/em&gt; agreeing to host (I don't mean horrible stuff, but stuff, like a scratch in your wood floor) and that I was either going to need to accept that as part of the deal or stop hosting.  I like people and parties too much to choose to stop, so instead I chose to stop sweating the small things and enjoy it (and fix as much as I could after &amp;amp; call the rest &quot;home character&quot;).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My car also shows plenty of signs of all the people that have ridden in it.  I have kids, I had this same car with older kids, I have transported adults, babies, kids, teens, mostly my own, but also plenty of others.  It's going to show.  You have to adjust what you expect so you aren't being unduly stressed by things you cannot control.  AND just to be clear I don't even allow food or drink other than water &lt;em&gt;in&lt;/em&gt; my car, and still, it just shows wear.  That isn't because we don't take care of it, it's just because lots of people have been through it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T08:56:29.390" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3379" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3382" CreationDate="2017-09-06T08:58:41.337" Score="59" ViewCount="21120" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just lost my mobile phone in the bus on my way to work (left it on the seat). I called from another phone, and someone answered me, telling me that indeed I had left my phone in the bus seat. &lt;strong&gt;We are to meet in a public place by the end of the day, so I can get my phone back.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would the other person be waiting for some type of monetary retribution? If not, could I myself offer such reward? Would it not be considered rude? (in the sense that the other person is doing me a favour out of kindness and not out of financial gain).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Context is United Kingdom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: for those interested in the actual outcome, I met the person, and made the gesture of opening my wallet while telling him &quot;please accept this small gift in return&quot;, to which he denied immediately, saying that it was not a problem at all. I preferred this than actually having my money ready in my hand, to reduce the awkwardness of me pushing money to the OP and the OP pushing it back to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3135" LastEditorUserId="3135" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T13:59:14.583" LastActivityDate="2019-01-29T16:14:05.497" Title="Should I monetarily reward the person who found my phone?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2019-01-30T10:26:42.350" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T09:15:50.973" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is very difficult to answer since you don't know about the person who returned your phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people just like to help without expecting anything, so a thank you note is sufficient for them. You can also do something that is helpful for them without asking them. Though it totally depends on you what you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as it is about monetary reward, although some people may like it, but it's not always good. Give them a gift like box of chocolate or you can offer them a treat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once forgot my bag in bus, which has my college ID card and necessary documents. The person who found it contacted me via the phone number on the card. I said thank you and gave him 50 bucks, but he refused and said,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't do it for money. I am just helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, instead of giving him money, I gave him a treat, a soft drink and a packet of Lays, at nearby small restaurant. He didn't refuse this offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That person is honest and have a good nature because he is helping a stranger. Therefore, money is not suitable in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Monetary reward can work sometimes, but not always. So instead of this, try offering that person something like chocolates or doing something helpful for them. And offering a pack of chips and soft drink was just a way to show my gratitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;a href=&quot;https://bucks.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/09/08/does-the-return-of-lost-items-require-a-reward/?mcubz=3&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;NYTIMES post&lt;/a&gt; shares some tips.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T10:28:05.177" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T10:28:05.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T09:25:15.247" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No, you are not obligated to monetarily reward him&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What he is doing is extremely nice. He is actually using some of his time to help a complete stranger. This shows that you are dealing with a good person, he probably doesn't expect any money in exchange. Keep this in mind and decide whether or not give him any reward. Also consider that offering him money probably won't be considered rude, since it just shows that you are thankful, and he can easily and politely decline them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no obligation, but the decision is up to you. Therefore, if you decide to give a reward, do see that it doesn't come off as rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastEditorUserId="4068" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T10:34:46.283" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T10:34:46.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T09:27:28.267" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Would the other person be waiting for some type of monetary retribution?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's difficult to say, since the other person is unknown to you. It may very well be the other person is just acting out of kindness, and not expecting a reward at all. On the other hand, you stated your concern about the stranger having made some costs by traveling to the public meeting place. This still does not mean the stranger is 'expecting' a reward, but it might be nice to offer one to him/her anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If not, could I myself offer such reward? Would it not be considered rude?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say that yes, you can. Where I come from (The Netherlands), offering to reward a person who returns an expensive/important item is definitely not rude. It is seen as an additional expression of gratitude. But be prepared to graciously accept a stranger's kindness if they refuse your offer of money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in your case, you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really appreciating what you did for me, and I would like to at least reimburse you for some of the costs you might have made travelling to this place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your monetary reward is declined, just be sure to thank the other person very much, and show how glad you are that you have your phone back, and that you are even happier that the other person is so kind they feel that they do not need to receive a reward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my personal experience, when returning a jewelry item with lots of emotional value, the other person offered me a monetary reward as well. I politely declined, and then the other person managed to conjure up a thank-you card from somewhere. She had written some very kind words on it, and I must confess I am still keeping it today. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would say, definitely don't hesitate in offering a monetary reward, but don't push it if the other person declines. And a thank-you card is a very good back-up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T10:27:16.967" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T10:27:16.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3383" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T09:59:43.540" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bring a box of chocolates?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Similar situation:&lt;/strong&gt; Our kitten got lost for six days, drama, visits to all vets within 10miles to chat with receptionists and hand out flyers, plastering posters (with less personal details) visibly on neighborhood street furniture like telephone poles, ... And eventually during lunch in the city centre a phonecall from a vet quite far away [to the name+number in the IDchip -- so all those vet-visits were pointless] that somebody had brought him in.  So! On a jog to the car I passed an upmarket chocolate shop and bought a decent box (time cost: 3min) and went to pick him up.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For another cat that got lost (2002? Before ID chips anyway), from phonecall I knew a female pensioner: I picked up (without much thinking, clearly!) a hand-made bowl I'd just bought (among other things) from an artisan in Japan. I'm not sure it is/was as much appreciated as I missed it; I had bought a pair, gave the other to a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that &quot;missing cat&quot; posters often mention financial rewards, as if that's a motivation to go look for it. Or if you found it, £50 offered will sway you from keeping it (at least £300/year) or kicking it out without phoning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Motivations:&lt;/strong&gt; I would feel awkward being offered money to bring back a cat. On the face of it, your phone is much less personal than my family member --- but considering all the personal photos etc on it so it's similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd be somewhat insulted being offered money for doing the obvious, decent thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BUT I'd expect some sort of gesture beyond words of thanks, but what amount of money? 10% of new-value, more/less? The value of the data [time spent on reinstalling after remote wiping etc, risk of ID theft] is higher than the value of the thing. Cash to you (poor student? extremely rich lady-that-lunches?) has different value than to me (middle age, middle income)... so figures are hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found a phone on a market (say 2005 -- a dumb Nokia, no photos/email/data) and waited 15min to give it back. I WOULD have appreciated being offered (the cash for) a coffee there (cold! windy!), but would have refused anything more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Choice considerations:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;A bottle of wine&quot; is ruled out because a good chance your finder is a Muslim, ex-alcoholic, underage (can't judge on phone!), health-fascist, or otherwise tee-total. And else choice would be hated both by a wine snob and a beer-swilling anti-snob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So a bunch of flowers can be a good choice for a (female?) finder --- but still can be awkward (allergies! flower-hater!); I'd say half the men would appreciate it. But depends on a nice florist at hand. And finder may be on their way to an evening work do, or long commute, etc... so wilting or having to give it to their host. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Along the same lines, don't bring fresh squid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Even if allergic to chocolate, a box is appreciated AND can be passed on as it keeps a few days/weeks.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Maybe cash after all?:&lt;/strong&gt; Of course you'd want to retrieve the phone fast as possible (don't lock the finder into their home!), so cash is reasonable if nothing else at hand --- don't start a GreatBritishBakeOff showstopper to give. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then at least verbally turn it into a thing/gift (like the &quot;here, have a coffee&quot; in my market scenario above; &quot;beer money&quot; is an expression in many languages; ... ).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5100" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T15:41:06.163" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T15:41:06.163" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3220" CreationDate="2017-09-06T10:13:17.643" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider the possibility that their main motivation was an addiction to either alcohol or a specific med, which they can pick up in their house but not in the hospital; and much of this is withdrawal symptoms/cold turkey. [Or combination of addiction like pills and caffein, giving an unusual combination of symptoms; tho I'm sure the doctors considered this.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is unlikely, but very possible. &lt;a href=&quot;http://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/addiction-statistics/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;(USA: over 7million battle drug addiction, out of 21.5million battling addictions.)&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5100" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T10:13:17.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3385" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3521" CreationDate="2017-09-06T10:16:42.477" Score="89" ViewCount="24119" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a group of friends, and we've known each other for about 7 years now. We once all were colleagues. One of these friends, Alice, has an autism spectrum disorder. This friend got fired from our workplace. During the period when she was in between jobs and had limited money available, we all adapted our activities to fit her circumstances (e.g. no going out to town, but inviting her and everyone else to our homes for home cooked dinner).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Incident&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After she found another job, I declined to go to one of her parties because she insisted on having a barbecue with food from the caterer she was now working for. I declined and explained that because I was going back to school full-time, this meant I could only work Saturdays, and so I did not have the money to spare for an expensive barbecue party (it is normal in The Netherlands that when organizing a barbecue, people pay per person). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This friend got very mad, apparently because I had ruined her party plans with my declination. My co-workers tried to mediate, but to no avail. She wouldn't, and still won't, say what is bothering her to either me or other co-workers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this all happened, I have never again been invited to her parties. But her behavior at parties of mutual friends where we were both present is bothering me a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is completely ignoring me and my existence. Sometimes to the extent of just talking over a conversation I'm having with one of our mutual friends, like I don't exist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not just not talking to me, she is actively showing that she is completely ignoring me. Other friends have noticed this as well, and we have tried multiple times to find our why she feels she has to do this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Already Tried&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I and other friends have tried:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking her directly what I did wrong to deserve such treatment. She never gave a reason, so we asked her to stop treating me different from everybody else if she can't give a reason/reasonable talk about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking her to have a one-on-one talk with me. This just gets ignored as well, doesn't matter if I ask or a co-worker. She even ignores it when we are both in the same room, and other people can hear me making the request.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gently pointing out her behavior towards me (&quot;Why are you talking over me?&quot;) when it is clear she is ignoring my existence. This usually results in her trying to start a shouting match, and leaving the party shortly after. This has also failed to show a reason for her behavior or start a reasonable discussion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would love to talk this out with her, to make these parties a fun happening again for both of us. But at this point, &lt;em&gt;I'm thinking&lt;/em&gt; that my 'normal' process of resolving a conflict (confronting somebody about a problem, asking what is wrong, how I could help to improve the situation and having a reasonable talk about it) is not going to work because of her autism. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I effectively approach somebody with an autism spectrum disorder that is acting as if I don't exist, so that she will treat me in a normal way again?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Notes&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not talking to her at parties, or approaching her. But she still seems intent on ruining the party for me, by ruining the conversations I am having, hijacking them and then pretending I don't exist, acting like they just started a conversation with another person that was not having a conversation to begin with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am looking for advice on how to address that specific behavior, I am fine with not talking to her, but I am not fine with the way she is treating me. She is actively seeking these situations herself, not just trying to avoid me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice has an autism spectrum disorder. I don't know if her behavior is caused or exacerbated by that, but her behavior is disruptive regardless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only mentioned the autism spectrum disorder because I know it can cause issues with interpersonal skills, and might be the reason why I have been unable to resolve this conflict in a 'normal' way, using 'neurotypical' interpersonal skills. So &lt;em&gt;it is something I want to take into consideration when dealing with the situation/approaching her about the situation&lt;/em&gt;, so as to not inadvertently hurt her too bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="3090" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T21:52:25.883" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T12:16:17.687" Title="Dealing with somebody who's ignoring my very existence" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T10:18:41.567" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;No one should be &lt;em&gt;expecting&lt;/em&gt; to be compensated for returning a lost item.  That said, &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would want to do something for them, as clearly there are plenty of people that don't bother to return things. It should be that we do &quot;what is right&quot; (returning an item that is not ours) without any expectation that doing the right thing requires us to be compensated for a show of good character.  If they were inconvenienced in any way to do so, I'd be happy to try to accommodate that (gas money, bus fare, etc).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I probably would give them a small gift card to a local coffee shop or something similar.  I think it's nice to be kind back to someone, but a money transaction always feels a little too much like &lt;em&gt;paying&lt;/em&gt; someone, and that feels less like being kind and more like buying your things back (again, excepting actual costs the person returning the item may have incurred to return it). This is why it should never be &lt;em&gt;expected&lt;/em&gt;.  If it was me that had your phone &amp;amp; I actually have the nerve to say I expect 20GBP for returning it, am I not just extorting money from you then for your own property?  If I don't &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; it, but still expect it, that still is quite the same idea.  I think you should return things you found (or turn them in somewhere), then if someone &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to do something to thank you, that is it's own thing, but it should never be &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you do it or something you expect out of it.  Likewise I have been offered money for returning items.  I have never taken it.  I was never financially inconvenienced and saw no reason to do it.  One time I returned the wallet of a teen boy to his parents (he had gone away with a friend and lost it before he left).  They tried to pay me (I said no) but what &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; lovely is their teen son came into my job once he was home with a thank you card with a hand written note about how much it meant to him that he got his wallet back with all his money as he had just cashed a paycheck and was sure it was all gone.  &lt;em&gt;That&lt;/em&gt; was lovely and he asked if he could hug me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T10:18:41.567" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T10:26:49.997" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should you offer a monetary reward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is entirely your decision. If you feel that giving the person money for returning your phone is appropriate due to the prevention of all the things that go hand in hand with losing a phone, e.g insurance claim, lost contacts, lost photos, lack of phone for given period.... the list goes on, then go ahead. I would very much doubt the person would consider the gesture rude. It is then up to them to accept your offer or politely decline. You could then insist, but that would be up to you to gauge how the other person declined your offer. If you insisted, would they then be offended, or would they likely accept as perhaps they only declined first time to not want to appear rude themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once left a phone in a taxi, and rung my phone and left a very pathetic voicemail offering money and untold gratitude if someone would return my phone. The taxi driver heard the voicemail and came back to return it, only upon paying more than i offered. He had obviously concluded the phone was important to me. Being very drunk at the time I just paid the money, when a more suitable course of action might have been to contact the taxi firm. I was nevertheless glad to have my phone back. This was before technology had moved on, and my phone could have been sold on much more easily, without the phone being blocked etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What if you don't offer a monetary reward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After weighing up all the benefits of having your phone returned to you by a seemingly good-natured member of public, you may deem that offering a monetary reward isn't appropriate, this is perfectly acceptable. The person returning your phone may be perfectly happy to just return it, and leave. If after no offer from yourself is made, they ask for a reward, then unfortunately you are dealing with someone that was clearly only interested in a potential reward rather than just the kind gesture of returning your phone. In this instance you would then need to decide if you should reward them or not. In my opinion, I would not. You have already decided not to, and shouldn't be bullied into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1951" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T10:26:49.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3333" CreationDate="2017-09-06T11:17:40.413" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;How much have you made your parents aware?  Do they know that you feel threatened with physical violence when you confront him about misuse and damage to your personal things?  This is really troubling behavior out of a grown man.  That is well beyond being a bit what around here we call &quot;moochy&quot; (meaning expecting to live off the kindness of others and use their things, live with them rent free, eat other people's food) and into a potential serious issue with him on some level.  The only time I have run across anyone speaking of a sibling who is threatening violence as an adult, it has involved alcohol or drug abuse, or mental health.  Does he threaten your parents?  Are they passive out of fear of his behavior/retribution?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, I would avoid all contact, even if that meant avoiding the use of the vacation home.  Either that, or simply bring whatever I intend to use with me and take it along when I go, so there is no reason for our lives to overlap and less reason to have any friction.  You cannot change him, especially since your parents seem to allow him to behave this way without consequence.  They could tell him he can't use the property if he is going to treat you like this, or sell off things that aren't his, but they haven't.  So you can only do what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person that will ruin your items, continue to use them after asked not to, threaten to harm you when confront them, is not someone you can talk logically to or use any &quot;right words&quot; to get through to or teach them to respect you.  This is abnormal behavior for the age, and he is having totally inappropriate reactions when asked to deal with his own actions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the 1st time it happened you reacted really inappropriately yourself, yelled, screamed, called names, then if he was a logical person, he would merely opt to never touch your things again, as he wouldn't &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to deal with the blow out after.  So even &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you handled it &quot;wrong&quot;, you can't explain threatening to hurt you.  That is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; an okay response to it, &lt;em&gt;even&lt;/em&gt; if the person confronting you is doing so aggressively.  And I am not suggesting you did this wrong.  Not at all.  I am saying you can't do this &quot;right&quot; enough to account for what is wrong with him, as you couldn't have done it &quot;wrong&quot; enough to make it happen in the 1st place.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really cannot do anything to &quot;fix&quot; it other than avoiding having that issue at all, by controlling your belongings more effectively, or avoiding the vacation home.  If you haven't fully told your parents all the details, you can also do &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; and see if you can work with them to find some resolution, like him being told he cannot &lt;em&gt;use&lt;/em&gt; the home if this is how he conducts himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T11:17:40.413" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3385" CreationDate="2017-09-06T11:18:12.550" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best thing to do right now is to stop making efforts to communicate with her, whether it is asking what exactly she is upset about, or trying to patch-up with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that she is ignoring you actively enough for people around you to notice means she wants you to not talk to her (maybe even feel bad/guilty about it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, the fact that she is disregarding other co-workers' requests to talk/sort out the differences between you two indicates that it might be wise to stop trying at all and let her be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe after some time(could be days/weeks/months depending on her), when you see that her anger has subsided, you may try to approach her. But for now, I say you just watch her from a distance and abstain from any communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not just about her but also about your peace of mind. I understand you people are friends and anything like this would cause some hurt but it's best for both that you wait for her to cool down. If she shows some signs of willingness to patch-up, go ahead and do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT1: You mentioned she interrupts your ongoing conversations. You can actually ask your friends (calling by their names), for example, 'Hey, A, B and C, let's go outside(or someplace else) and talk', so that you can avoid her. If she still approaches you guys, you can be sure that she is there just to run your spirit down. Then you actually give-up on patching-up or even reconsider being friends with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you really want to get some answers (you said you could get her parents involved), it'd be a good idea to ask them if her parents know anything about the incident where it all went wrong. Although, I'm not sure how she will react when she finds out you approached her parents. Do this at your own risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="142" LastEditorUserId="142" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T11:54:02.100" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T11:54:02.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3390" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-06T11:18:33.493" Score="3" ViewCount="312" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an English guy, teaching at an educational camp in Poland, which is hosted for Poles, Czechs, Slovaks, and Hungarians. Everyone seems to be able to speak English well enough to have a conversation, and the classes themselves are taught in English. However, understandably, when they are together they tend to speak in their native tongue since it is easier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a shy, quiet person and generally not great at socialising, but there are many talented, interesting individuals at the camp so would like to socialise with them from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am unsure of how to go about doing this when they are speaking another language. If I stand around for a while occasionally one will translate briefly what they were talking about which is nice, but then I can't really find out until it's already been talked about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there any ways to improve my interactions with these people without directly saying 'speak English' (I'd guess this is rude since I am the visitor to their country after all...)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long term I'd like to learn the language but Polish seems quite hard currently!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any advice would be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Currently, everyone at the camp ranges in age from about 17 to 20)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5109" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T11:36:15.513" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T11:55:23.893" Title="How to socialise with large groups of speakers in another language" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;poland&gt;&lt;hungary&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3391" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3385" CreationDate="2017-09-06T11:19:48.713" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, this was going to be an answer in a comment, because I know very little about autism, and I have no direct extended experience with people with that disorder (though some with a person who has Asperger's), so I'm prepared to delete the answer if it's inappropriate or harmful in any way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You could choose not to talk to her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop asking Alice to talk to you. Go out, go to parties,  have fun, talk with everyone who is there but only smile and nod your head when you meet your ex-friend's glance. Does “ex-friend” sound a bit too harsh? Unforgiving? On the other hand, she is not acting like a friend should, friends, real friends make up, and let bygones be bygones. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She wouldn't, and still won't, say what is bothering her to either me or other co-workers. Since this all happened, I have never again been invited to her parties. But her behavior at parties of mutual friends where we were both present is bothering me a lot: She is completely ignoring me and my existence...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds as if Alice wants to punish you, or make you suffer in some way. Obviously, something is bothering her, and she refuses to tell anyone. I'm not sure if this is typical behaviour of someone on the autistic scale, but I would say it is typical of someone who sulks.  The only cure I know is to ignore the sulking and continue to live your life, relieved that your real friends know the truth and have not ostracised you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After she found another job, I declined to go to one of her parties because she insisted on having a barbecue with food from the caterer she was now working for. [...]&#xA;  This friend got very mad, apparently because I had ruined her party plans with my declination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could ask your Alice's family if they can shed some light. Are they aware of the BBQ incident?  And maybe they could talk gently to their daughter and make her come round to see that she is not hurting one person but two, you and herself, and needlessly too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDITED TO ADD&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have repeatedly offered your friendship, shown you are upset by her stony silence, asked what you did wrong and, in the end, stopped talking to her but Alice continues to ignore you publically and continues to hijack any interactions with mutual friends. I'm afraid there is not that much else you can do. But I suspect she is unhappy and feeling particularly stressed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could ask if she would prefer to see you go. Perhaps that shock tactic will unsettle or take her by surprise. If she does respond “Yes”, do exactly that, leave. Let her feel either victorious or ashamed. Maybe hearing your friends protest–I'm sure they would–might force her to reflect on her actions and behavior. Again I don't know how someone with autism might react, or how successful this approach might be.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did find this article which describes typical aggressive behavior observed in adults with autism, it might help you understand what your friend is experiencing and why she reacts so angrily. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://theneurotypical.com/rage-cycle-in-hfa.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Cycle of Rage and Family Violence of Adults with High Functioning Autism&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T20:53:55.110" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T20:53:55.110" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T11:43:04.690" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;The Germans have written a law for this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The finder may request a finder's fee as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Up to 500 Euros: 5% of the value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Above 500 Euros, 25 Euros plus 3% of the value exceeding 500.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For things that only have value for the person losing them (photos, non-backed up data): reasonable discretion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a special rule for things found in public transportation that halves these awards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5112" LastEditorUserId="430" LastEditDate="2019-01-29T16:14:05.497" LastActivityDate="2019-01-29T16:14:05.497" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3390" CreationDate="2017-09-06T11:55:23.893" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you can find a group that you're more acquainted with, chime in with something in English. If they feel like including you in their conversation, they'll try and change theirs to English then. Must be careful who you approach though. If they look unapproachable or uninterested in sharing with you, don't force it, find another group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I grew up in the Middle East, and my classmates were mostly north Indians who spoke Hindi, Marathi, Urdu, Tamil, and whatnot between class hours. Although I am now a jack of many Indian languages, I wasn't so back then. It was indeed very difficult for me to get accepted among them when I first joined the school, because I'm from south India, and they didn't speak my language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could grasp certain words or phrases in their languages because there are a lot of similar sounding and meaning words in all Indian languages, probably evolved from Sanskrit or Arabic somehow. So I often tried to join in with my responses in English while they tried Hindi or Urdu to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually or somehow automatically we reached an equilibrium of sorts. They would try and get to English as far as they could, and in other times, I would try and understand their language. I can now proudly speak at least 4-5 Indian languages, and English, and Arabic, sort of. And I have made some good friends in the school. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T11:55:23.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3187" CreationDate="2017-09-06T12:37:45.157" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depending upon the size of your family, and your culture, you could tell a family member that what you really want is something that you're saving up for, and then suggest that multiple people pool their resources to get you this one present, together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is too direct, then I would suggest instead just mentioning once or twice that you're going to set aside some money to start saving up for this thing, since you are really excited about it.  That should be enough to give the hint without coming across as pushy or greedy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T12:37:45.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3398" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T13:37:41.373" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The person who has your phone has failed to do two key things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hand it over to the bus driver.&lt;/strong&gt; All bus depots have lost property facilities and the bus driver would have a responsibility to take it there upon being given it. Instead of doing this, the person with your phone took it off of the bus. Why?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hand it to the police.&lt;/strong&gt; Upon taking your phone off the bus, the person who found your phone should have handed it in to their local police station or at least contacted the police to report the find. The person with your phone failed to do this, also. Why?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in the UK also and I'd personally not meet up with them in person. I'd instead ask them to hand the phone in at their local police station so that you can collect it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no reason to give this person a reward, as they have no right to be holding on to your property in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5123" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T13:37:41.373" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3327" CreationDate="2017-09-06T14:05:37.883" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He asked that I try to confirm that we were in fact related, and put him in touch with my mom.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  ...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  We want to ask &quot;Bob&quot; for some more familial information or something like it - just to try to see if he's actually the &quot;Bob&quot; we're related to. However, we really don't want to be rude about it. I need to phrase things delicately enough so that he understands that we want to confirm things, without offending him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure I see what the problem is. He asked you to try to confirm that you're related: if you reply with some questions specifically intended to do that, he has no reason to be offended. In fact, his request gives you the perfect excuse to ask those questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that you say he's from the UK, it's worth knowing that the British place a high cultural value on having a sense of humour. (See &lt;em&gt;inter al.&lt;/em&gt; the book &lt;em&gt;Watching the English&lt;/em&gt; by Kate Fox, although I think this is shared with the other nations of the UK). So you could preface your response with a disarming joke. Perhaps something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It's probably a bit soon to ask for a DNA test to definitely confirm that we're related, but it seems possible. Could you share the genealogical research you've done on that branch of the family to see whether it triggers any memories?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then maybe share something vague which you think he should be able to complete, as described in Monica's answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also ask for photos to see whether you can spot any resemblance. I have some believed distant cousins with whom my mother has shared genealogical information, but without being able to establish a definite connection. However, when her father met one of them he was struck by the resemblance to one of his aunts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;FWIW, I would also echo Monica's point about passing contact information from the person requesting contact to the other party and not the other way round.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4831" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T14:05:37.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3385" CreationDate="2017-09-06T14:08:59.107" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a situation like this sometime not long ago. I have this really great friend which has been there with me like 10 years now... And the only thing and i mean the only one thing that got my friend get over our problem was that i started mimicking all of his actions. From: pretending i'm not there while our group is having a conversation, to: talking behind his back when he was not there. And i didn't even say bad things about him. I just talked about him with other people.(Usually asked questions about him since we were not talking) He got so frustrated that he eventually asked me to meet and sort things out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my opinion is: Do exactly what your friend is doing to you, hopefully she will come to her senses and realize what a jerk she is being to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. Going behind her back and talking to her parents might not be a good idea, since you are both mature enough and this will make her mad she will have more reason not to talk to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5126" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T14:08:59.107" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-06T15:02:38.960" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My five-year-old son and my non-technical friends have a similar understanding of my career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The general job title:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Software Engineer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I do it for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Aerospace and defense&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My son understands that I tell computers how to fly spaceships. It's not true, but he does seem to grasp that what I do is in support of efforts like that--and that there are a lot of people and jobs in between.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, my friends joke that I am a &quot;rocket scientist&quot;. They know it's not true, but it is a simple way of saying that I work on something complex in support of a larger aim which they understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a mathematician, you work in support of mathematics as a whole. The framework of mathematics has &lt;em&gt;loads&lt;/em&gt; of practical applications--arguably, all of human development hinges on mathematics. You can tell people that as a mathematician, you support the ongoing effort to deepen the understanding of this framework that has done so much for us, so that it can continue to do more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tough part is when they ask for more details. For me, if asked what exactly I'm doing, the answer might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm producing upgrades to the health monitoring suite of the common runtime environment for our laboratories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might be a bunch of nonsense to most people, so I start with &quot;I support the common software for simulation labs.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For you, maybe you start with &quot;I study the rules of math itself, independent of practical applications.&quot; You can reiterate that this is in support of the whole framework of mathematics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they press for more still, I just might tell them about that health monitoring suite, at which point the conversation might stop. It's not rude--they just realize they've hit the bounds of what they can relate to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start broad&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them why the whole enterprise that you support is important&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go deeper if asked until they stop&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be ok with them having a knowingly flawed understanding of what you do&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, they will understand that what you do is important, even if they don't understand why. Isn't that all you need?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5130" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:02:38.960" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3362" CreationDate="2017-09-06T15:25:59.933" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two ways to go here, in my view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1.  Be polite, providing your deadline, and wait.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example text:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where can I find the support document that explains X?  I've been referred to you by (supervisor name) for this information, which I need by (deadline date, or the longest you are willing to wait).  If you can't help me within this timeframe, is there someone you can refer me to who can?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, with this approach, I will wait two-thirds of the time until a deadline for an answer.  If I don't get one, then I might resend the email with &amp;quot; any update? &amp;quot;, often CC'ing the person who referred me.  This shows the supervisor you have tried, and the timeframes involved, and your attempt to wait patiently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2.  Be polite, and keep asking persistently (every day or two) until you get an answer.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also shows the receiver that your question is important on a critical path.  CC'ing the supervisor on the third request may show that this is important and needs to be resolved.  Squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people need a reminder or two to realize the question isn't just for basic info, and is for a specific purpose.  Giving people a timeframe for when you need an answer also helps them help you in a timely way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5133" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:48:37.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3385" CreationDate="2017-09-06T15:32:05.877" Score="58" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not talking to her at parties, or approaching her. But she still seems intent on ruining the party for me, by ruining the conversations I am having, hijacking them and then pretending I don't exist, acting like they just started a conversation with another person that was not having a conversation to begin with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply ignoring you is something that you could choose to handle on your own. Actively interrupting your conversations requires that your friends start standing up for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do your friends react when Alice interrupts? Do they stop talking to you and start talking to her? That only encourages her. They need to shut the conversation with Alice down in some way. Talk to your friends ahead of time to explain how this makes you feel and to come up with a plan of action. If Alice interrupts, your friend could say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, I'm trying to have a conversation with tinkeringbell. You are welcome to join us, but only if you are willing to include her in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she tries to continue her conversation and ignore you, your friend needs to be persistent and refuse to engage. As &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3389/1959&quot;&gt;Sachin suggested&lt;/a&gt; you could walk away and continue your conversation elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Alice continues to behave this way, you are not going to be able to enjoy your time with your friends unless they stand up for you. If your friends aren't supporting you, then leave, and tell them exactly why you are leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jen, I'm leaving. When I'm here I can't actually talk to anyone because Alice keeps interrupting. I know that she doesn't respect me right now, but when you let her treat me like this I feel that you don't respect me either. I don't feel like anyone wants me here, so I am going to go home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/5164/ilmari-karonen&quot;&gt;Ilmari Karonen&lt;/a&gt; mentions in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3385/dealing-with-somebody-thats-ignoring-my-very-existence/3403?noredirect=1#comment11676_3403&quot;&gt;a comment&lt;/a&gt;, if you don't want to cause a scene at the party, it may be better to explain why you might need to leave ahead of time. Then when you do leave you can simply say, &quot;I've already explained why I need to leave now. I will talk to you later.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may need to have a conversation with them later and give a more explicit ultimatum. If they want to spend time with you, they need to stand up for you. If they aren't willing to stand up to Alice for you, then tell them you won't be attending any events where Alice is present. Making your friends choose between the two of you is usually not a good idea and should only be used as a last resort. Hopefully you don't get to this stage, as it's likely to mean the end of multiple friendships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You aren't trying to mend your relationship with Alice at this point, and you aren't asking your friends to try and mend things for you. You just want to be able to spend time with people without being treated as less-than-human.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1959" LastEditorUserId="1959" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T11:56:50.117" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T11:56:50.117" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-06T15:42:06.010" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another possible way is to present something from your field that is accessible to a layman to give the flavour of the thing. For logic, you could tell them about the question whether there is the same &quot;number&quot; of rational and real numbers and Cantor diagonalization. That's something an average person can grasp without much background a in a few minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words - tell them a Gardner column :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3733" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:42:06.010" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T15:57:58.710" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand that someone who considers it normal to return your phone could be offended by your offer of compensation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My view on this is, if they take an hour off their day to go to the agreed upon meeting point to return your phone, then I should at least compensate them for that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time I found someone's phone, she offered a bottle of wine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time someone found my phone, I gave them 20€. They didn't want it, so I told them &quot;ah come on, you drove to my place to return it, just consider it's for the gas.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T15:57:58.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3407" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3385" CreationDate="2017-09-06T16:03:03.603" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't give an answer based on the fact that your friend has autism because I don't know much about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So one day, Alice decides to start acting this way after you decline one of her party invitations. Since you have been attending her previous parties, this does seem bizarre unless she had already paid for you before confirming whether you could attend or not but still holding such a grudge over this doesn't make much sense.  I don't know if you are supposed to pay up front for the barbecue. Either way, her behavior is not easy to figure out. It seems childish and passive-aggressive or someone who knows more about autism might not find it that unusual.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your main question, &lt;strong&gt;you might not be able to approach her at this point.&lt;/strong&gt; She has demonstrated that she doesn't want to be approached by the way she acts around you and towards you. From a behavioral perspective, (from what I remember from a behavioral modification class in University), the more you pay attention to her behavior, the more she will continue to act the way she does. Without you realizing it, you are reinforcing a negative behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For as much as this might be hard for you, or for as much as you would like to know or are curious about the reason, try not to focus on that but instead focus on how you can have fun without letting her behavior ruin it. For now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If possible, ignore her behavior.&lt;/strong&gt; By doing so, you are discouraging it. And by discouraging it there is a chance it will stop or that at least you might get some kind of an explanation, whether it is what you think or something else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a behavior that needs to be ignored by everyone, not just you. So ask your friends to do the same. This is something I feel you and your friends should be on the same page with. They should help you by not allowing her to act that way towards any of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Have a discussion with your friends and ask to come to a decision as a group.&lt;/strong&gt; Perhaps one of these friends could actually tell her that if she continues this behavior which she doesn't want to explain and which is ruining everyone's mood at the parties (unless the rest are unaffected-in this case this gets harder to resolve and makes me wonder about the other friends),  she is forcing them to stop inviting her unless this issue gets resolved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T16:10:34.373" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T16:10:34.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3408" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-06T16:19:20.980" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Questions about issues regarding phone usage should use this tag. For questions regarding how to handle phone-calls, please use &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/phone-calls&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;phone-calls&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;phone-calls&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T16:22:25.003" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T16:22:25.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3409" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-06T16:19:20.980" Score="0" Body="For questions about when and where it is appropriate to use your phone. " OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T16:22:15.860" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T16:22:15.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3410" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3362" CreationDate="2017-09-06T16:52:04.100" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are really three approaches I have used professionally to get someone to do what I need who isn't my subordinate (and sometimes then too).  Here I am speaking of people I needed to work with in order to complete &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; tasks.  The three things are finesse (I call it shmoozing), assertiveness, and currency.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially finesse or shmoozing is simply getting someone else to like you enough to &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to help you, and make your needs a priority over other people asking for things.  I would do this in lots of ways and it's more of an art than science since you have to know what will work with that person.  I am trained to do massage therapy.  I would often offer to give someone a 10 min chair massage in their office while they looked over my proposal, discussed this or that with me, etc.  I shouldn't &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to do that to get what I need done, but it was highly effective and it got me a lot of increase in return time on requests.  For others I might bring them in cookies here and there or for someone else a gift certificate for a pedicure.  I considered these &quot;the cost of doing business&quot;, and by being able to do more work in shorter time, I was also able to increase my income, such that it more than compensated for any money I spent shmoozing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assertive is pretty self explanatory.  You make sure you aren't being overly passive and accepting less than the person is capable of, while maintaining you haven't gone so far that it's now feeling aggressive and hostile to the person you wish to work with more effectively.  People respect assertive.  They don't respect passive and they might even attempt to undermine aggressive as a way to pay you back if they feel you have stepped on their toes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And currency.  That is somewhat like finesse, but to me the difference is it should be more professionally aimed.  Does Andrea need Susan to get her the reports faster?  You can work to get in better with Susan so that she gets the reports in faster to Andrea.  You can then let Andrea know that you cashed in some favors to get her reports expedited.  If you have influence on whether or not Andrea gets to work on project she wants, use that too and make sure to tell her that you are &quot;putting in a good word for her about what she has done working with you&quot;.  I also had a personal assistant and I didn't always actually &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to have her.  So if I wanted favor with someone, I may loan her out to help them catch up on something, or the like.  It really will obviously vary based on the overall work environment, rules, etc and knowing where you have any wiggle room to be able to ethically gain favor with someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end too, it is always best &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; there is any way you can frame it for &quot;Andrea&quot; why doing whatever you need done is &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; good for her, not just you.  For instance, I worked with engineers who wanted to be made project manager when we landed a job.  So I might tell Andrea that I really need those numbers on materials ASAP because I think we have a great shot at landing this and I would love to recommend her as PM when we do, but the sooner we can get those numbers, the better chance we have of getting that job at all.  It's tight as it is, and we need to leave enough time to negotiate and make any changes they may need before the close date on bids.  Then if it was a good enough job, I'd give her a chair massage, a pedicure gift certificate, get Susan to hurry those reports, lend her my assistant, be assertive AND every other trick I had. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T16:52:04.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3411" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T17:34:53.380" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;10% is standard reward in Northern Europe. I have returned several phones I have found to the police and usually get a reward of €20-30 for that. The person losing the phone have to pay the lost and found department that fee to get the phone back, money I then can drop by and collect (or if no one picks up the phone in 3 months I get the phone).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would offer someone who found my phone an amount in that ballpark but be a little surprised if they accepted it. But especially kids/teenagers deserve their reward. €25 as an unexpected income is good money for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: offer a reasonable amount of money and if they refuse, also bring something like chocolate, a flower or similar and tell them &quot;at least, can I give you this as a gesture of my appreciation?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3356" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T17:34:53.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3412" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3322" CreationDate="2017-09-06T17:45:53.680" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would formulate it as &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the worst experience in your life you are inclined to share?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this sentence, you acknowledge that there may be personal matters which the interviewee wants to keep private, and indicate that you don't plan to snoop on them. Also, you give some context to your request (it is intended for sharing) which both increases trust in the conversation, and allows the other person to properly interpret your question and give you an answer which is best suited to your purpose, in this case for building a narrative. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course this means that sometimes the person will hold back something. This is not only in their interest, but also in yours - you don't want to hear a poignant story in a personal interview, build your documentary around it, and then have the person tell you &quot;I am uncomfortable making it public, please don't include it in the movie&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer assumes that your interview is a personal interview held in preparation for the documentary. If you are talking about an interview that is actually to be filmed, there is no problem wording the question as you see fit, as long as you have previously cleared up with the interviewee what the answer will be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3017" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T17:45:53.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3083" CreationDate="2017-09-06T17:47:03.280" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recognize in you what I see in many of my own relatives. Offering highly precise and specific solutions when I don't even yet agree there's a problem to be solved. One example: years ago a boyfriend suggested that I transfer from my university to a different one closer to him. He gave no explanation or logic, just started with that, and as I kept asking why he was bringing it up he finally blurted out &quot;I'm asking you to marry me!&quot; The good news is, I did, and we're still married nearly 40 years later. (But I didn't transfer to a different university.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how about backing up 6 or 8 steps in that conversation with the probably-can't-shop-any-more person. You've decided they can't shop. You have two solutions: let them order stuff online, or you go do it. They are rejecting both for one stated reason (no-one can do it as well as I can) and probably also one unstated one (I don't want to lose my powers.) As someone who faced a frighteningly fast decline last year, unable to do many everyday things, I know how that feels and how strongly I clung to the few things I still could do. (I'm better now, if that's relevant.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you start much earlier in the logic chain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I bet [recent injury] is making it harder to look after yourself, isn't it? I mean I can see you're cooking and cleaning just like before, but I'm thinking of things like making the trek to the shop, that must take a lot out of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get agreement that yes, some things are more difficult than they used to be, you're making progress. If they aren't more difficult, then hey, just because you know a way to make things easier doesn't mean people have to accept it. After all, we all need to fill our days somehow. But let's assume your relative concedes there may be some small issue in some aspect of the current shopping situation what with [injury] and all. Now, you want to offer help, but not solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there anything I can do to lighten your load?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may have something in mind. If they don't, you can make suggestions. My uncle used to get all the heavy generic groceries for his mother: large cans or bottle or jars, carton of milk, case of old-people-protein-drink, and so on. These are things you can buy from a list, you're told what brand and size to get, you get it. Then she got bread, veg, and other things where her personal judgment was relevant and important. The few items she was going for fit in the basket of her mobility scooter so it was a much easier shop. While I was ill, people drove me to stores and carried things for me, but I did all the actual shopping. You could also suggest the online for the non perishable heavy stuff and that would make the trip to the actual shop faster and easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All these should be phrased as questions. &quot;Would it be any help if&quot; or &quot;I wonder if I could&quot; or the like. They need to be vague, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wonder if it would help for me to get some of the super heavy cans and bottles stuff for you, the stuff that keeps, maybe on my way here next time? I understand it wouldn't deal with everything, but then again you're more than capable of going shopping, it's just that the heavy stuff can be awkward for you at the moment. I really would love to help make things easier for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why should you be vague? They need to be the ones to come up with the precise solution to their problem. They don't want you diagnosing a problem, and solving it, and telling them that it will be this way now. They want to be in charge, for their opinion to matter - about what veg to choose as well as how the shopping gets done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T17:47:03.280" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3379" CreationDate="2017-09-06T18:32:06.703" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're &lt;strong&gt;compensating them for their time&lt;/strong&gt;, and for inconveniencing them... you're not offering a finder's fee. You're showing your appreciation to them. Keep that in mind and it's clear that offering something says things about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say, a £10–20 card at Starbucks or Costa is appropriate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chocolates are &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; a great idea. They're personal gifts, and not all chocolates are liked by all.. some hate caramels, some don't like nuts, etc. Some are off sugar... and let's be honest, we don't need to be encouraging more sugar consumption. LOL.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a stranger. You have no idea what they like/appreciate, but a gift card at a coffee shop where they can pick up a tea/coffee/treat that &lt;em&gt;they like&lt;/em&gt; is universal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Japanese are masters at gift-giving. More often than not, they give cash as appreciation (like when staying at someone's house), making sure the cash itself is in good condition of course... and delivered in an envelope. Other times, it will be a consumable ( food ) as gifts of appreciation to co-workers for covering for them while on vacation, things that the person can either eat together with others or pass on as a gift. And then other times it's simply a gift card for a catalogue ( more formal situations like showing thanks to wedding guests ). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Gift card or cash. Universal tokens of appreciation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything else... you're potentially wasting your effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5146" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T18:32:06.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-09-06T18:58:41.383" Score="70" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone who truly does not have the background to understand your work is asking you to talk about it, chances are they are just being polite: They want to show interest in you and your endeavors and to learn more about you. In other words, &lt;strong&gt;they're trying to connect with you. The best way to respond is to reciprocate.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look for common ground. The situation you describe is talking with someone who would literally need years of training to be able to understand your research topic enough to engage with you on that, so don't start there (I disagree with the advice to substitute a simpler explanation of some other mathematical phenomenon or example that isn't actually relevant to your research --- if you do that, you're moving the conversation away from both of you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can talk about your work without jumping right into explaining your research.&lt;/strong&gt; The goal is to provide some concrete details that your conversation partner can connect with. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where (physically) do you work (on campus, at an institute, in coffee shops, etc.)?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How do you spend your working time (teaching, writing, programming, fighting with LaTex, mentoring students, traveling for conferences, etc.)?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Any notable events in your work lately (just submitted a paper, heading off to a conference next week, faculty at your institution are talking about a strike, one of your former students just started a job at X, you've been trying out a new laptop and you really like the touch screen for graphical notes, etc.)?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you can and should tailor the types of things you bring up towards things you think your conversation partner might be interested in. For example, if you're speaking to someone who is also an academic, bring up the article review you just got back with ridiculous suggestions from Reviewer #2. If you know they live/work in the same part of the city as you, mention your favorite coffee shop to work at, or the fact that you want to start biking to work. If you know they have some computing expertise, talk about the fact that you're thinking of running some simulations and ask if they know anything about high performance computing. You get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you've run into problems with conversation partners following up on your vague explanations by asking about the specifics of your research:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I meet somebody for the first time, they often ask me about my job and they want to know the details: What are you working right now? OK, you just wrote a paper, but about what? What theorem did you prove?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely that they're just doing the best they can to keep the conversation going with what you gave them. For example, you may be experiencing something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: So, what do you do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I'm a maths professor at University of X.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Oh, that's neat! What are you working on at the moment then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Well, I just submitted a paper this morning, so that's nice to have that done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Cool. What's the paper about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're doing your best to keep the conversation light, but you're also not really providing any invitations topics to connect on. The only real pathway available to your interlocutor is to ask for more detail about whatever you just said, which will inevitably lead into the dreaded discussion of research details. Instead, try to use your answer to introduce details about your work that they might actually be able to talk with you about. Consider something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Oh, that's neat! What are you working on at the moment then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Well, I usually do a mixture of teaching and research. But I have a course release this term, actually, so I'm trying to decide now whether to just spend that time writing or to use it to visit a colleague in Sweden and launch a collaboration we've been talking about the last couple years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Oh, that's neat! What are you working on at the moment then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Well, I do research in theoretical maths, but spend most of my time writing actually! I wish I could go back in time and be less of a smart alec with my high school English teacher --- being able to write about complex stuff in an engaging, approachable way is such a valuable skill, no matter what field you work in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or even something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Oh, that's neat! What are you working on at the moment then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Well, I didn't get much at all done today, actually, since the guy in the office next to me had a bird fly in through his window, and we spent the whole afternoon chasing this poor sparrow around the department, trying to get it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To use tennis as an analogy, think about their question as a serve, and your goal is to return something that they'll also be able to hit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really persist in asking about the details of your research, you can use something like &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3281/5144&quot;&gt;anongoodnurse's approach&lt;/a&gt; to check that they really do want to you talk about it, and then give them periodic opportunities to change the subject if they want to back out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T18:58:41.383" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3418" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3426" CreationDate="2017-09-06T19:06:21.590" Score="11" ViewCount="1109" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am 32 years old. My background is in Physics and a bit in Computer Science.&#xA;My previous experience was on ERP consultant business. I started my software engineering career when I was 29.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my current company, my boss told me that I have to teach the junior level not ask them to teach me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first, I am OK with this, but when the project starts to get bigger and more complicated, many techniques, more patterns, unit tests and alien libraries come into the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I know him in person, he is a very talkative guy and he told me that he copies white people characters from America. He is Thai like me, but lived in the US for 10 years since he was young. I am younger than him by 3 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Thai culture in general, senior members must have a high capability and experience to help and support junior level. I understand this point. However, in software engineering which is fast changing, no one expects to know everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Questions&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is it very serious for a senior programmer to ask a junior level for help because I do not know a technique or library?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Does my boss have a hidden message in this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is it American culture to not let a senior ask a junior for help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, age does not matter. Experience is what is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5148" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T07:25:47.713" Title="Is a senior prohibited from asking for help from a junior level employee?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;thailand&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2019-03-04T18:07:16.103" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3419" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3425" CreationDate="2017-09-06T19:35:59.813" Score="8" ViewCount="2302" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend just came to visit from a foreign country. She used to live where I did, but moved away because of a job offer. Recently, when she came back, we met up with one more friend as a reunion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the two other friends have known each other much longer than I've known them, and therefore get along better and act alike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We went to the beach, and the water was freezing cold. The two go into the water and wait for a wave. Each time a wave passes, they punch it, like they're five years old. Meanwhile, I'm a few feet back, freezing, and waiting for them to change their mind and leave the water. I also didn't punch waves, because I found it very childish and dumb.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me not interacting with them, getting deep in the cold water, and punching waves, resulted in them thinking I'm socially awkward, and not fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not want them to think of me this way, but I couldn't tell them that I'd prefer to get out of the water and play tag on the shore, or something along those lines, because they were having a lot of fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to be there and have fun with them, and hopefully get invited to more hang outs, without doing silly things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I interact and have fun with my two friends that are doing things I don't enjoy?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOTE: This occasion is not the only time that I don't fit in. They always talk about books I don't read, clubs they're both in, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a male teen living in the U.S., and my two friends are female.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5159" LastEditorUserId="4508" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T13:35:14.887" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T16:58:00.070" Title="How can I interact and have fun with two friends doing things I don't enjoy?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3420" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3095" CreationDate="2017-09-06T19:37:46.213" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a person that has a hard time explaining to other people, especially when they are asking questions about matters far more basic than I am used to tackling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The deeper you are in a subject matter, the more difficult it is to trace down other people's understanding of something, because the areas where they could be getting it wrong increase in number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a few teaching experiences (but am not a teacher), and I would say that I struggle to answer questions as they are thrown at me. Many questions can blindside, as they often come from misunderstandings, and misunderstandings can come in a whole palette of colors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe the problem is that you are expecting the teacher to answer clearly and concisely, when he cannot even construe the question thus. You should try to &lt;strong&gt;ask a question in a detailed, clear fashion&lt;/strong&gt; that does &lt;strong&gt;not pressure for a quick answer&lt;/strong&gt; (e.g. a text form, detailing what you understand and what you don't), he would have a higher likelihood of construing what you were doing, and responding in kind. Additionally, it could show him that you tried to figure it out, which is always more endearing for a teacher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering the great amount of details you've poured into this Stack Exchange question, I'm sure you should have some gist of how you could ask the teacher a better kind of question (or helping your friend do so).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4640" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T20:21:34.963" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T20:21:34.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3421" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3333" CreationDate="2017-09-06T19:40:07.083" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would guess that your brother has this &quot;problem&quot; with everyone, including your parents.  Your parents are probably familiar with this trait of his to the point where they know they can't do anything about it -- so they are very passive about something they know they have no control over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Face it, your brother does not think like most people do.  To him, nobody owns anything and everything is there for whomever needs it; and anyone who says differently IS the problem.  You have to get a bit aggressive about it -- take away his option to use your stuff and don't apologize or negotiate about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For you parents' vacation home, get a good, heavy-duty bike lock -- the kind that you can chain your bike to a nonmovable object, such as an iron railing.  Then commandeer a closet -- remove all of his stuff that may be in there -- and put your things in and put a good, strong lock on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guaranteed he will either ask for the key or combination.  Stand your ground and tell him no; if he doesn't want to ask permission, then the answer is always no no matter how great his need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T19:40:07.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3422" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3418" CreationDate="2017-09-06T19:49:51.517" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an Indian working in the US. I work in a small IT company with people who've been in this very company doing IT work for over 18 years (literally, my office neighbor has been here for 19 years). I am 28 years old, been in this company for about 6 months now. Been in IT for 2 years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 19-year veteran has called me into his office at least 10 times, asking me to help him with SQL query. He asks me SSRS questions as well. I have been working on SSRS for 6 months (since I joined this job) and he has been for 4-5 years. He still comes to me with questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to answer your questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know exactly what you mean by &quot;Library&quot;. It is IMPOSSIBLE to know all the libraries (unless you are &lt;a href=&quot;https://stackoverflow.com/users/22656/jon-skeet&quot;&gt;Jon Skeet&lt;/a&gt;). Everyone needs a little help. Acknowledging that you do not know something is the first step of learning something. If Google does not help you with something, do not feel afraid to go to someone about it. Junior, senior, does not matter.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As I mentioned, I am Indian. I worked in India for 1 and a half years. I am not too sure if the cultural beliefs are similar, but Indian bosses act like what you said as well. There is no hidden message. The direct message is, &quot;Have some pride! You are older, you should know this&quot;. Something I don't really like about my people. The arrogance. I once almost got fired for telling my boss how to do something. I wasn't being rude, I just suggested that maybe we could do it differently. He stood up and screamed at me for 15 minutes. Sentences like &quot;You are a little kid, what do you know&quot; and &quot;don't teach me stuff, I know it better than you. I am older&quot; were thrown at me. It is VERY common in India as well. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;NO! Americans are NOT like that. Asian countries have a VERY skewed opinion of what Americans are like. I was forced to wear a tie on Fridays because that is how they do it in the US! Not even joking, that was a rule. They'd send you back home if you didn't wear one. This was during my training period, not when I got my project. But still. Like I mentioned, Americans want to learn. The culture here is very different from what I've seen. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, you mentioned that your boss is the one who &quot;rules&quot; the company. If you think your boss has the capacity to fire you over something like this, DON'T ask your junior for help. There is literally nothing you cannot find with a little bit of Google. If that doesn't help, since you're already a StackOverflow member, post a question on there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If asking your junior for help means losing your job, don't do it. Morally and ethically, it is actually looked as a positive thing to ask anyone for help. You're willing to learn, no matter the cost and you are willing to let go of your pride to get something done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T19:49:51.517" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3418" CreationDate="2017-09-06T19:57:52.890" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It looks like it should be handled more professionally, if you have higher range than him, don't explicitly &quot;ask for help&quot;, just tell him something like &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Can you explain this please?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, you might not know everything but you are able to&lt;/strong&gt;, if he knows something that you don't, just ask for &quot;explain&quot; not for help or teach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boss told you not to ask him to teach you, this is probably exactly what he meant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it very serious for a senior programmer to ask a junior level for&#xA;  help because I do not know a technique or library?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is not very serious, it depends more on how much knowledge you have in general and how often it happens.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Does my boss have a hidden message in this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If he has a hidden message or not you should act responsable and profesionally&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;is it American culture to not let a senior ask a junior for help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No it's not.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Age can affect any relationship, so you have to act with professionalism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: I am a developer, I was Junior and I have a close professional relationship with my current boss after many years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="38" LastEditorUserId="38" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T20:05:37.743" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T20:05:37.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3419" CreationDate="2017-09-06T19:58:09.287" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;The situation here has three important factors that jump out at me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want to do something that neither of the others do (or, rather, you don't &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; if they want to do it). I've been through this sort of thing, especially when hanging out in groups.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're looking down your nose at your friends a bit for what they're doing. You think it's a bit stupid - &amp;quot;immature&amp;quot; might be a better word.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; care about your friends. You're making your choice in part because you know they're having fun. Good for you!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm shy, and I've had to deal with the first problem a lot. For instance, at birthday parties as a kid, I sometimes found myself wanting to do something that was different from what the majority of the group wanted - to take a specific case, playing ping pong instead of soccer. I didn't &lt;em&gt;hate&lt;/em&gt; soccer, but I wasn't good at it (and everyone else &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt;), and so I had a hard time being as enthusiastic about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Try to be a leader.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've dealt with that by taking the lead more in these situations. One thing I've realized is that &lt;strong&gt;sometimes you need to be a leader&lt;/strong&gt;. At one of those birthday parties, for example, it turned out that other people in that group did indeed like ping pong - but they were going along with a sort of herd mentality. Had I spoken up earlier, I could have turned the activities in a different direction that most people still would have enjoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, yeah, your friends are having fun doing one thing. But you don't know for sure that they don't want to do another. You've got nothing to lose by simply asking, the next time around. This has the advantage that it can end up pleasing everyone, if you pick the right activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Phrasing&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some different approaches you could take when you phrase things. You could ask right off the bat:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, do you guys want to play tag? I think the sand would make it a bit more exciting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or you could offer some sort of compromise:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know the ocean's great, but can we split our time between the water and the beach? I was thinking we could play tag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, you should be assertive, but not so much as to come across as bossy, by accident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, I think the second of these might be the way to go. As I said, you care about your friends, and you're not being selfish. This option should make everyone happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would, however, recommend that you ask to play tag &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt;, if possible. Honestly, once kids get into something, it's hard to tear them away from it. You do run the risk of all getting absorbed in one activity, and then you don't have time for the other. If you think you can hold yourselves to a schedule, then by all means, do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Gender&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gender might very well be a factor here. Both of your friends are female, and so it's possible that that has a bearing on their actions. I have no wish to perpetuate gender stereotypes, but as adolescents, children often socialize more with members of the same gender. &lt;em&gt;This isn't true all of the time&lt;/em&gt;, but it's often the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;American culture does still carry the idea that girls should do &amp;quot;girlish&amp;quot; things and boys should do &amp;quot;boyish&amp;quot; things. I have no comment about whether or not tag is a &amp;quot;girlish&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;boyish&amp;quot; activity; in my experience, it's neither. However, those expectations often influence things like the books, movies and music that children and teens consume. I suspect that gender could be a factor behind the divide, and the reason they seemingly relate to one another better than they relate to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T16:58:00.070" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3426" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3418" CreationDate="2017-09-06T20:09:56.387" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In Thai culture in general, senior members must have a high capability and experience to help and support junior level. I understand this point. However, in software engineering which is fast changing, no one expects to know everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is, quite simply, the point you should explain to your boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is always the case that you can find a new, young team member who happens to know about a specific technical area more than other team members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is absolutely the case with &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; technical disciplines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a story I tell people relating to this issue or seniority and technical knowledge which may be useful to you.  There was an aircraft crash (Korean airlines).  At night the captain became disorientated (a night take off - this can happen) and lost a sense of where the horizon was.  He started to direct the plane into a steeper and steeper bank which led, over a period of minutes, to the plane crashing.  After the investigation it turned out that the co-pilot, a much younger man, evidently understood the problem and made a half-hearted attempt to alert the captain.  But he was not forceful or direct enough, and this is thought to be a result of the culture of the company and his country (possibly similar to Thailand in this respect).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the accident report was published, heavily criticizing this cultural problem, the airline did react positively and trained all their pilots to, in essence, ignore the rank and cultural aspect of seniority and concentrate only on what they know to be correct, asserting their authority based on knowledge, not on rank or seniority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your case is not so safety critical, but the story may be useful to illustrate to your boss the problem with these cultural norms in a technical setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it very serious for a senior programmer to ask a junior level for help because I do not know a technique or library?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No.  The opposite - it is a sign that you understand when you need to accept help and are not too proud or aloof to ask for it from the people you have around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The people who join your company, regardless of age or position, are assets.  Each one has a unique history and has acquired their own mix of technical and soft skills.  It is very, very healthy that a company allows these people to exchange knowledge regardless of age or position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Does my boss have a hidden message in this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only he knows that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect he is simply showing his own cultural bias, which is understandable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Then next question, is it American culture to not let a senior ask a junior for help ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;American and western culture in general, especially in technical disciplines, encourage sharing of knowledge without reference to rank.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, some people (and in some companies) may be reluctant to ask a junior for help or advice.  They feel embarrassed or that they are loosing face or, in some cases, they are afraid they will be fired or replaced by the junior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think many mangers do not understand that senior technical people are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; walking encyclopedias of detail, but are people with more experience of real world problem solving in a commercial environment.  Of course they often do have considerable and wider knowledge than a junior person, but that does not mean they should or could have more depth in every subject - it's simply not possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In my opinion, age does not matter. Experience is what is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me too.  Alas the rest of the world is not as simple. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must work within and around the cultural limitations of your country, organization and the internal politics of your organization.  This is, itself, a difficult set of skills to learn.  My experience is that technical people are often blind to these issues, so you are well ahead of the average in this respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T20:09:56.387" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3095" CreationDate="2017-09-06T20:18:31.620" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an Indian, just like you. I am actually from Tamil Nadu (South India). In my 11th grade, I had a physics teacher like that. She was a hardheaded &quot;strict&quot; teacher (to the point that boys were not allowed to use the restroom during class hour, only girls). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were learning about lenses and mirrors. I am pretty good at physics concepts, but I like to think outside of what the teacher is telling me to think, just so I can ask questions and clearly grasp the concept. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a question about lenses - I was able to draw a real and inverted reflection of an object through a concave lens/mirror. Obviously, it is wrong. Concave lenses only have virtual and erect images. But there was a particular rule for drawing those diagrams that my teacher hadn't taught us about. I didn't know that, the teacher didn't know that. I actually found that out years after graduating high school. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked the teacher about my representation of a concave lens with real and inverted image. She said &quot;Impossible!&quot;. I went up to the board, drew it on the blackboard, and asked her if this is wrong. She lost her mind. Because according to her, I had followed all the laws of drawing such a figure. But this possibility is impossible. She didn't let me in her class for the whole week. Every day, she walks in and looks at me and kicks me out of the class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a week, when the class was done, I was standing outside the classroom (because I was kicked out). The teacher walked out of the class and I walked with her. I didn't say a word, I just walked alongside her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We ended up in her office. I was standing outside her office. She didn't say a word for nearly 45 minutes. Then she looked up and asked me &quot;WHAT!&quot;. I asked if I could come in. She asked &quot;What do you want&quot;. I walked in, sat down, explained to her that I wasn't trying to make her look stupid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her, &quot;I am sorry if I had embarrassed you, but I genuinely do not get it. I think I am following all the rules you taught me. The image is against the laws of physics, I know. But what am I missing?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She looked up to me and said, &quot;You are right. I am sorry for acting like that. I will look up on it and get back to you with an answer&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This might not be the exact same situation as yours, but it is very similar - arrogant teacher.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Every teacher ACTUALLY wants to help you. If you are nice to a teacher, they would go the extra mile to help you out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No Indian teacher, or any teacher for that matter, likes having their intelligence questioned. Asking a doubt is not questioning their intelligence according to you, but what if they don't know the answer to your question? So, teachers stay on the safe side and never take questions. Had a lot of those teachers too.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know you mentioned it is difficult to get a hold of him. The best way to do it is to walk out of the class WITH HIM and talk to him outside of the classroom. NEVER inside. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've done this with so many teachers, I've had teachers call me up to their office after school to teach me some extra stuff. A teacher always appreciates you actually trying to learn something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Teachers always open up to you and talk to you like you're their son if you sit with them and be honest and frank and nice IN PRIVATE. It takes a little bit of kiss-ass and buttering them up, but it always pays up. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it is still like how it was when I went to school, there is probably just a big room with one big desk for all the teachers called a &quot;Staff room&quot;. Not &quot;offices&quot;. If this is the situation, ask your brother to be prepared for some public humiliation in the form of &quot;he doesn't even get this hahaha&quot;. But stick with it. Because, in this exact situation, the teacher WANTS to be smart in front of his/her co-workers. He likes making you feel stupid and overpowering your ignorance. That is exactly where you want him. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T20:18:31.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3428" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3531" CreationDate="2017-09-06T20:25:01.047" Score="9" ViewCount="1064" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question is now moot, because the cat died several years ago at an advanced age, but I have always been curious as to whether it would have been OK or horribly rude or somewhere in between.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Years ago, I attended a conference in Japan, and a young Japanese professor (clearly destined for a great future and who is now well known in his field) was very attentive to the people from the US who were attending the conference, and greatly enhanced our enjoyment of the conference and Japan.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A year later, my husband and I adopted two rescue kittens, and after a weekend of cudgeling our brains for names, decided to name the male after the professor, whose last name was Kit-----, because we could then call the male Kiti for short.  We named the female &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Diary_of_Lady_Murasaki&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Lady Murasaki&lt;/a&gt;, Saki for short.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the professor had been in the US, I could have easily found a mutual close acquaintance to sound out the professor's likely reaction to the question, and, if positive, asked in a way that put no obligation on him to say yes.  But I didn't have mutual acquaintances in Japan, I didn't want to risk a misunderstanding, and at that time I was senior to him.  I did the right thing in not asking; that's not the question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is: would it have been intrinsically offensive to ask a Japanese to name a cat after him?  Or would it just depend on how much he liked cats?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am hoping for an answer from someone familiar with Japanese culture.  I know that there is a cat, the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_Bobtail&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Japanese Bobtail&lt;/a&gt;, that is very popular in Japan, but I don't know if Japanese culture has any position on naming a cat after a person.  As I've already said, it may depend simply on how a particular person feels about cats.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T16:18:58.007" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T06:37:49.747" Title="Would it be unseemly or worse to ask a Japanese acquaintance if I could name my cat after him?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;japan&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3429" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3434" CreationDate="2017-09-06T20:39:07.120" Score="87" ViewCount="21026" Body="&lt;p&gt;Dogs are what I see mostly out on my day to day activities and I see some tied up outside shops and I'll pet them, I'll also pet some in passing i.e. just stroking them as I walk past and sometimes as they're walking past me (if they come over towards me and sniff my shoes or something). After I've pet them the owner will indicate if they don't want anyone petting them or not i.e. &quot;Ah sorry, she's really shy!&quot; if they shy away, or &quot;She's not good around people&quot; or simply call their dog over/pull the lead or something like that and they won't say anything normally if they don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a dog owner so it may seem obvious to some. I'm very laid back and would let people pet my dog without asking me if I had one (depending if the dog enjoyed being stroked). Which made me wonder, should I always ask a dog owner before I pet their dog? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never had any problems with this previously, any angry owners or anything. (Which is why I'm asking) They generally just walk off with the dog, but I'm thinking more about someone who has a dog. Is it more polite for me to ask than for me to not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: I'm not talking about service dogs, they have a job to do and shouldn't be pet. I normally see them as a working dog, rather than a pet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the etiquette for asking a dog owner before I pet their dog? Is it required to ask, or can I just pet the dog?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T09:27:09.907" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T09:27:09.907" Title="What is the etiquette for asking a dog owner before I pet their dog?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;pets&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3429" CreationDate="2017-09-06T20:43:20.857" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;YES*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Unless you are at an off leash dog park and they come up to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explained: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its mostly for your safety and the owners liability. Asking will make sure the owner knows you are petting the dog and will give them the opportunity to say, no bad idea, if it is a bad idea to pet the dog. Most owners will say yes because they want people to love their dog as much as they love their dog but you should still ask. For example, mine won't bite you, but he will jump up to lick your face. Lots of people don't like that and so I want to be ready to handle mine before you bend over to put your face in striking distance :). It helps keep me from thinking he is freaking out about something and just keeps everybody grounded. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1833" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T20:43:20.857" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3429" CreationDate="2017-09-06T20:55:56.957" Score="20" Body="&lt;h1&gt;YES.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Never&lt;/em&gt; touch an animal you don't know. It's dangerous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can get bitten by the dog. I know people who have had this happen to them - they petted a dog who they didn't know and got bitten, and ended up having to go to the emergency room. You also don't know if the animal is carrying ticks or other bugs that may transfer diseases. (Again, I know people who have gotten sick from ticks on a dog.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if it's on a leash and being taken care of by a person... Yes, you should ask. The dog is theirs. It's their property, no matter how wrong it may be to think of living creatures as property. They may not want you touching it - perhaps the dog may get sick. Or any other reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no harm in asking, either - if they say yes you've avoided potentially being rude. If they say no, accept that they have a valid reason - it's safer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also heard some stories of owners being violent. But I'm not sure if I trust the sources that I heard it from, so... But it's something to keep in mind: not every dog is friendly - especially dogs trained as guard dogs - and not every owner is friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T21:07:32.020" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3433" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3419" CreationDate="2017-09-06T21:03:31.383" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Okay well first thing to note is that your friend has been away.  When time has passed you have to be open to realizing that people change and sometimes you don't enjoy hanging out as much as you once did.  That doesn't mean you like them less necessarily, but rather that you both have grown in ways that don't align quite as seamlessly as they once did.  I am older than you, so I have been through this many times.  It doesn't mean I am no longer friends with those people, but we don't really hangout.  Some might still be great friends in phone calls and texts, giving updates about our lives, etc, and even have fun when we see one another in larger gatherings, but in smaller hang outs, we simply have different taste that makes it less enjoyable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is a prime example.  My very best friend for a decade simply started to shift in her habits, interests, activities.  I did too, but it felt to me like she did more than I did.  I bet she would say the same though, but I have never asked.  Eventually enough shifting happened that what we both most enjoyed wasn't overlapping like it once did.  She loves things like the beach and waking up at the crack of dawn to take a run, and going to bed early with a hot tea and a great book.  I am more the sort that really loves to be in the city at a sidewalk cafe, around noon or so, stay up half the night, go to a wild show or a club, etc.  I love art and excitement and performance and she finds that all a bit too overstimulating and you get the idea.  Oddly my husband and I also have great variances.  It works because we have enough overlap and we like that we have so much of our own interests.  Neither of us is wired to want to be together all the time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So essentially all this means is you have to look harder for the overlap or find a new way you do connect (such as maybe via emails, an online game you play together, etc).  My best friend, despite us not hanging out really at all in 15 years is &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; a close friend.  She was at one of my births, I was at one of hers.  We are well aware of what is happening with one another generally.  If I needed anything, she would show up (and she has), and same with me.  A real friendship transcends such things as different habits and hobbies and interests.  So I am not saying don't be friends.  I am merely saying that hanging out with people that enjoy things you don't enjoy &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; mean you either have to look harder for what you all enjoy &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; you focus attention on building that friendship in ways that don't involve joint outings.  The great news about friendships is they can look any way that works out for the people involved.  And if someone is a solid good person, they are likely &lt;em&gt;worth&lt;/em&gt; building the friendship in &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T21:03:31.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3429" CreationDate="2017-09-06T21:03:59.733" Score="235" Body="&lt;p&gt;Always. My dog is a black labrador; an abused rescue I found at a shelter. When I got him (a male), he was limping and terrified. If you touched an ear, he would yelp like you kicked him: somebody had been dragging him (or lifting him) by his ear. An x-ray of his leg showed healing from a cracked bone, and his knee had been dislocated for so long it couldn't be put back without surgery. My vet suspected a hard kick caused both of those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After seven years, there are seven people that can touch him on the head. Me, my wife and daughter are three of them. He's a happy dog. Still limping, but he gets medication to control the pain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you (a stranger) try to scratch him under the chin, he will let you. He likes to make friends. Try to pat him on the head or scratch his ears, and he will snarl to kill you. Persist and he will attack you. My dog knows forty commands, the difference between his right and left, he even knows what it means for him to make a choice between walking paths or foods. He won't cross the street or leave his yard without permission. He understands when I tell him to stop barking, or that somebody is a guest. But when it comes to his ears, this is behavior I can't do anything about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask me, I'll tell you: Do not touch his head or ears, it hurts. Scratch him under the chin. The hurt is psychological; he actually likes being scratched on the head if he trusts you, but this is the easiest way for me to inform you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know strange dogs, or their history. Don't assume.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-07-14T13:51:36.997" LastActivityDate="2018-07-14T13:51:36.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3429" CreationDate="2017-09-06T21:30:45.023" Score="87" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't touch anyone or anything without asking.  This applies to dogs, children, people (especially the bellies of random pregnant women and yes people do that), you name it.  There is simply no reason not to ask.  Now in emergencies, obviously this is exempt.  But otherwise &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; ask and the simplest answer is, it keeps things civil and good and polite and appropriate on and on.  There is simply &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; downside to asking.  I make a huge point to make my children ask.  We live in an area with loads of walkers with dogs.  I won't even let my children approach a little until they have asked if they can approach.  It just shows due respect while teaching my children safety and appropriate boundaries.  Not everyone says yes and I appreciate that too.  If they don't think it's a good idea, they know better than I do.  Likewise I usually will not allow my 3 year old to touch a dog.  People will tell me it's fine and I say &quot;thanks, but it's really not&quot;, because &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; know her better than they do.  She will accept the no fine &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; we will all be safer for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other answers have adequately explained the inherent danger.  Then there is the fact that whatever that dog prefers, or the child or adult, etc, matters.  Even when you are in someone's house you should think about this.  I had a cat that suffered a very bad injury and then we never were sure if he still had actual pain &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; just was protective based on memory, but he did not like to be touched past his mid trunk by anyone other than owners.  I told people this, but otherwise he was an incredibly tolerant friendly cat.  He wasn't going to actually harm anyone who made a mistake, but he would get very upset and there is no reason to upset him like that.  Likewise a dog who isn't happy to be touched might not take action, but he still deserves the respect to not be touched in ways he doesn't enjoy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I know I mentioned children, but as a mom this one is also a thing.  People shouldn't randomly touch your kids either, but they do.  They think they are being sweet, but the fact is most moms hate it.  They love that you think their child is cute, but you are really stepping into territory that isn't yours to step into.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So always ask whoever can speak for that individual, the mom, the owner, the whoever's in charge.  Honestly at least 25% of the dogs that walk past here are done by walkers, so they aren't even the owner anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T12:12:58.273" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T12:12:58.273" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3429" CreationDate="2017-09-06T21:38:59.923" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to address service dogs here as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Most of the time service dogs wear a vest&lt;/em&gt; indicating they are an actual service dog or in training. &lt;strong&gt;Do not pet service dogs, don't even ask the owner&lt;/strong&gt;. They are working and cannot be distracted from their job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Not all service dogs wear a vest,&lt;/em&gt; which is another important reason to ask the owner if you can let their dog. Their dog may in fact be a service dog and should not be treated like a &quot;pet&quot; at that time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastEditorUserId="1839" LastEditDate="2017-09-06T22:06:05.437" LastActivityDate="2017-09-06T22:06:05.437" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3419" CreationDate="2017-09-07T01:40:15.423" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;May be it impact by gender usually is the case, this polarization come form different interesting of two side, especially in my Asian country, the place where B&amp;amp;G never be equal, so in your case, put more effort to understand what/why their are so enjoy that, stay on their point of view to think, this may a good alternative way to find out their reason, it is better than just look at it at silly and dump thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5177" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T01:40:15.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3319" CreationDate="2017-09-07T07:17:35.187" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My ex and I are dealing with child custody and she also destroyed the relationship with her decision to have an affair. That of course is very painful and makes it very hard to engage without letting emotions surface. However, it is important to understand that parents are forever and you are both obligated to participate and provide the best environment for your children. If you are interested in coparenting classes you might want to search online for coparenting classes in your area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option for understanding effective coparenting is the free course offered by &lt;a href=&quot;http://uptoparents.org&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;UptoParents&lt;/a&gt; . I enjoyed the Up to Parents curriculum more than the book learning from Solutions for Families, although the in-class discussion during Part B of Solutions for Families was very helpful. A huge plus for Up to Parents is that the program is free and there are no hidden costs or obligations and you can go through the Up to Parents program without your ex. Additionally when you complete the program you are able to print out a certificate of completion that can be verified in court, showing that you are making huge attempts to be the best dad you can be and are worthy of being awarded some sort of custody (e.g. 50%).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next it is advisable that you both keep a record of all communications. We use and I recommend communicating using the &lt;a href=&quot;http://talkingparents.com&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;TalkingParents&lt;/a&gt; platform. This will provide you with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;an organized written record of your attempts to communicate;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a time/date stamp of the initial communication;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a time / date stamp of when the recipient viewed the communication;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a record of any follow up responses;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the content of each post cannot be altered; and,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the basic platform is free of charge.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have completed both coparenting courses and use Talking Parents. We may actually be able to continue without incurring any further attorney fees as it appears we have a parenting schedule that we both feel is best for our child. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this is useful and wish you the best, more importantly i hope you and your ex can commit to the idea that parents are forever and your children need you both to succeed without anymore trauma as a result of your failed relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5185" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T07:49:58.003" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T07:49:58.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3220" CreationDate="2017-09-07T08:42:34.397" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Straightforward advice.&#xA;Just take him home. Don't say no. I'm not in pain, and my judgement is not clouded. Just step in his shoes and see, what do you feel? If it's just post surgery symptoms, they'll just subside over time. In the meanwhile, what he needs is not treatment, but a friend in love and his/her affection. Because its your presence that makes him feel secure and not the treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5189" LastEditorUserId="5189" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T11:37:02.663" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T11:37:02.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3446" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3429" CreationDate="2017-09-07T09:24:44.700" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few years back, I was visiting Washington DC and met a lovely woman with a beautiful Labrador. Turns out they were Security and were surveying the area. I was there with my husband and his group who were on a course related to Law Enforcement and International Policing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short, I asked the lady if I could pet her dog to which she replied with a delighted, &quot;yes!&quot;, pointing out the dog was female, and mentioned how people seldom ask before petting animals, service dogs no less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then, I've always made sure to ask owners before petting their animals, pets or otherwise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's not just a courtesy, but indicative of how different animals respond to a stranger's petting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3678" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T09:24:44.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3448" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-07T09:58:01.143" Score="13" ViewCount="2015" Body="&lt;p&gt;We live in Berwyn, IL, and commute to Chicago (well...my wife does, I work in Berwyn). I'm a transplant from Los Angeles, been here for 8 years now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, last Monday night, my wife's ex, a guy called John* showed up at our door, he said he'd found our address through a WHOIS (my wife has her own websites), and he told us he was a cop in the NYPD and was in full uniform, said he couldn't cope on a cop's wage and was asking for a loan of $50,000 to help get his life back on track. He was very polite, told me he needed to see my wife about something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife Jenny* was civil towards him, told him straight off the bat that he wasn't getting a loan, and it seemed fairly civil.&#xA;I was there the whole time, decided since he was polite, and it concerned my wife, not to interfere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jenny told me how he explained to her that although he liked his job as a cop and was Manhattan-born and bred, he felt his cop's wage wasn't enough to live on and wanted a loan towards buying a penthouse (my wife told me this over dinner later that nite).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He left that same night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, he returned again this Tuesday when I was in work, and my wife told me about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why would an NYPD cop come all the way to near Chicago to beg his ex-girlfriend for money, and also, why in his cop uniform as well?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what to do for the best... do I tell his employers or do I let my wife sort it out for herself; she's actually asked me for advice on what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the appropriate response in this situation? Is there even one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*: Names were changed in order to protect the privacy and anonimity of the people involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5195" LastEditorUserId="4508" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T12:05:53.603" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T06:38:42.653" Title="How to deal with wife's ex coming to our house over finances-related issues?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;delegation&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3449" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-07T09:59:47.437" Score="4" ViewCount="2152" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; Inspired by a related question: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3086/how-should-i-handle-disagreeing-with-my-sisters-cash-cow-milking&quot;&gt;How should I handle disagreeing with my sisters cash cow milking?&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;First, my situation.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a good education (tertiary education) and a decent and very demanding job. I'm almost 30 and I make enough money to live with my girlfriend in a quite comfortable way. I'm definitely not rich though, I drive an old car, I could afford to eat out at a restaurant maybe once a month and unfortunately, I have to pay a good amount of money each month for health related issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Second, the situation of my brother.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's over 30, has a not-too-bad education (HS) and a different lifestyle, where he prefers to work part-time and spend most of his time doing &amp;quot;fun&amp;quot; activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some years ago he moved with his wife to a family property in a very remote place that was basically unused. My parents offered him to let him stay there and also pay for his bills and help him financially for some small maintenance works since he takes care of the property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About one year ago their first child was born. This was a very happy moment, well received by all the family, me included of course. The problem then was that my brother and his wife basically didn't have enough money to pay for a child. My sister in law decided to become a stay-at-home-mom and my brother refused to work more hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents and relatives decided to start helping him financially in a much more consistent way. Basically, they gift him some money every month and pay for every necessity related to the child. When I tried to voice my concern about this whole situation with them, their answer was that of course he should try to make more money but that in the end the important thing is that he should be happy and that somebody takes care of the child in the best way possible. I think it's important to add that now his wife is pregnant again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I always thought that this situation was somehow acceptable and that it was not my problem since I was not directly involved in any way. Basically, my opinion was that my relatives have a right to do whatever they want with their money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend in the last period is getting a little bit concerned of two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That my brother will grow so dependent on these handouts that one day, when my relatives will be gone or unable to help him, we will need to take their place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That anyway I should be concerned about been treated differently by my relatives. She thinks it'a situation too much unfair. Also, as I wrote I'm not super well-off and I have often high medical expenses so it happens quite frequently that I am short of money. She's also worried that one day I may basically get no inheritance (not that there is much go get anyway..) because of the behavior of my relatives, especially parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never asked and rarely accepted money from my parents and relatives, but I'm starting to question if I did a smart thing at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Questions&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Should I be concerned about the money of my parents and relatives as if they were somehow &amp;quot;my&amp;quot; money?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Should I be concerned about been treated unfairly by my parents and relatives?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Should I be concerned about the risk of getting the responsibility of helping them out in the long-term?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5048" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T10:25:26.223" Title="Should I demand to be treated equally to my siblings by my relatives?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-09-07T11:11:06.723" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3294" CreationDate="2017-09-07T10:07:29.253" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm male and 65 and probably look it. 5 years ago I was really grateful if anyone offered me a seat because my hips were in bad shape. Now that I've had a hip replacement I can stand comfortably for an hour if I need to. But I look just the same. So: you really can't tell whether someone needs to sit down just by looking at them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That then leaves the question, is someone going to take offence if you offer them a seat and they are actually young and fit? Well, it first happened to me when I was about 50, and (especially because it was a girl making the offer) it does give you a realisation that you must be getting older, but it would be a very stupid person to take offence at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1660" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T10:07:29.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3448" CreationDate="2017-09-07T10:22:00.960" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing to do is to ask him to stop visiting. It sounds like your wife should do that, rather than you, to make it clear that she does not want him to visit either and it's not just her new partner saying it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still insists on coming you (the both of you) can ask him to leave and not return. If that still doesn't work, you should call the police. The fact that he is a cop is irrelevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3188" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T10:22:00.960" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3452" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3429" CreationDate="2017-09-07T10:28:46.013" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a non-dog-owner, you probably don't know the standard reactions from dogs and how to pet them properly. Simply reaching out and touching a dog is as awkward for the dog as it would be for you if some random stranger suddenly started petting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To properly greet a dog, reach out with your hand and wait till he is done sniffing your scent. That's basically like saying &quot;Hello&quot;. Then watch his reaction: If the dog turns away, he doesn't want to be petted. If the dog stares at you like he is waiting on something, he probably wants to be petted. A wagging tail is a dead-giveaway that the dog likes you, and would most likely allow you to pet him. When in doubt ask the owner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side-effect, this gives the dog owner enough time to warn you, if for some reason the dog must not be touched. So if possible make sure that the owner can see you while you 'greet' the dog.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When petting the dog, do not fully go in from the first second, instead carefully reach out and watch the dog's reaction. If he turns away, then he doesn't like to be petted in that spot. If he turns towards you, he wants to. Never aggressively pet a dog unless you know him well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3566" LastEditorUserId="3566" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T08:01:37.503" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T08:01:37.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3453" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-07T10:33:10.190" Score="34" ViewCount="7332" Body="&lt;p&gt;I bet it's something many people encounter. In my case, my mother does it a lot. When I moved out and into another city, I got sick and needed a doctor. When I told my mom, she said &quot;Ooh! I'm so impressed you managed to find a doctor all by yourself!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I planned a vacation with a friend and she said &quot;Wow, I didn't know you could do that!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not only my mom, this might come from anyone who feels superior in a way. &quot;Wow, new employee, you grasped this basic task! Yay!&quot; or &quot;Wow, it's so impressive that a woman knows how to code!&quot; (while talking about the results of a project).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm always a bit dumbfounded, if not offended, that they didn't believe I could do this in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I respond to praise for things that I see as trivial?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: While I know these things sound sarcastic here, I am very sure they are sincere. They are also roughly translated from German, so it's not the literal wording.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4754" LastEditorUserId="3856" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:23:17.917" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:23:17.917" Title="How do I respond to praise for trivial things?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3453" CreationDate="2017-09-07T10:50:41.600" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whether it is sarcastic, or not, the simple way to respond is to just say, &quot;Thanks,&quot; and move on. Don't rise to it. If you start treating it as trivial then perhaps your mother will begin to realise that you routinely do things which may have seemed challenging to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastEditorUserId="98" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T11:34:45.670" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T11:34:45.670" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3429" CreationDate="2017-09-07T11:36:35.393" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer might surprise most people, but I'd say: &quot;No, you don't always need to do so&quot;: &lt;br/&gt;&#xA;Let me explain: I have a dog and I regularly go walking with him, and indeed sometimes people want to caress him. Generally my dog really likes that, and me too.&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;Last week I was passing some young guys (beginning twenties) and one of them suddenly took my dog's head, and did some nose-to-nose with him.&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;At first I was surprised that anybody even dared to do that (my dog is really tall, around 50kg.), but it was a really lovely surprise (also for my dog).&#xA;I also learnt a lot from it: sometimes you might end up arriving in a situation you don't expect, and how will your dog respond to it? I'm glad having seen that a surprising situation does not freak out my dog: he kept being calm, exactly how he should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does this mean that anybody can do this with just any dog? No, obviously not: some dogs are mean, some are anxious, some people are even meaner, ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want to stress out: don't regulate too much: sometimes surprises happen, unexpected things, ..., and those situations are very valuable. Obviously when you don't feel confident you'd better ask the dog owner first or even better, don't approach the dog: dogs have a marvelous instinct for detecting insecurity and anxiety. But if you are, as you mentioned yourself, very laid back, then don't always wonder about what might happen when do you do whatever, you might end up not being that laid back anymore. Wouldn't that be a shame? :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3969" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T11:36:35.393" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3453" CreationDate="2017-09-07T11:37:00.043" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like three questions rolled into one to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To your mom you could say (a little tongue-in-cheek but &lt;em&gt;served with a genuine smile and appreciation&lt;/em&gt;): &quot;It looks like you raised me to become an independent, self-reliant member of society. Thanks for that!&quot; &#xA;(At least I hope that's true.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To your new colleagues you could say &quot;Thanks! I'm eager to try something more difficult now, do you have a task for me?&quot;&#xA;It may have nothing to do with expecting little of you personally and more with the general level of employee incompetence this person has seen in his/her work life. (If somebody had told me the things I was to see in the workplace at the beginning of my worklife, I would have not believed them and considered it an exaggerated silly parody.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the person who is astonished that girls/women can code I would recommend silence and a raised eyebrow, together with an appalled &quot;Where did that come from?&quot; facial expression. &#xA;That is such a backhanded &quot;compliment&quot; that it doesn't warrant a (verbal) response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T11:37:00.043" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3457" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3535" CreationDate="2017-09-07T11:40:35.077" Score="75" ViewCount="31331" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Introduction&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question is different from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1539/is-it-rude-to-ask-tourists-where-they-are-from&quot;&gt;this excellent one&lt;/a&gt;, since it is not about tourists. The differences will become clear later on, I hope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will, as usual, use fake names (Alice and Eve this time) and also name places (L. A. and New York), that do not need to coincide with the actual cities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice is a US citizen, born and raised in the US. Her name is very uncommon, though. And her appearance doesn't match &amp;quot;Average Jane's&amp;quot; entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eve is nice and open-minded and looks more like your &amp;quot;Average Jane&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I met with Alice and Eve, who didn't know each other before, in New York. I do know both, so I was the common denominator. It was nothing formal, just a nice evening at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some introduction, like where I met Alice and Eve for the first time, a dialogue between Eve and Alice ensued:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eve: Where are you from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice: I'm from Los Angeles. My whole family lives there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eve: I love L. A.! But where are you from originally?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice: &lt;em&gt;(short pause)&lt;/em&gt; Also L. A., I was born there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eve didn't seem to notice anything, and they went on. After hearing the question, I looked at Alice to see her reaction, and, although it was subtle, I do think that she wasn't glad about &amp;quot;Where are you from originally?&amp;quot;. Also, she seemed a bit more reserved afterwards. On a sidenote, Eve also told a lot about herself, it was not a one-sided questioning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end, Eve said, that it was a nice evening and Alice was great, but maybe a bit distanced. I said, that I felt that question to have been rude. She disagreed, noting how I was being over-sensitive and how she loves foreign cultures. She just had wanted to get to know her better and was genuinely interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, Alice was polite and said that she had enjoyed the evening and how Eve was a nice person. She didn't complain, but I doubt she would have, fearing it may hurt me. I also didn't want to pressure her for the sake of my couriosity. So I just gave her the chance to voice her opinion, in case she wanted to, and decided to ask the community here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it rude to ask someone &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;Where are you from originally?&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. Is there maybe a better way to phrase the question?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note, that this is not about proving me and my reasoning right. I'm genuinely interested in how such a question is perceived. And this is, in contrast to the other question, not about tourists or the like. While Eve didn't know Alice, there was no reason to suggest, that she was, e. g., a tourist. And there may be cases, where just the name is very uncommon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Average Jane: Someone you'd see in a TV ad representing the audience&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-12-09T10:24:25.253" Title="Is it rude to ask someone where they are from originally?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="23" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="9" ClosedDate="2018-11-22T18:39:27.197" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3448" CreationDate="2017-09-07T12:07:11.440" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everything seems fishy. He is an NYPD cop, and he's coming all the way up to your wife for money in his cop uniform? It is a complicated situation. As your wife asked for your advice, ask her to tell him straightaway that he's not gonna get the loan in a polite way ( may  be like, you both have plans and that you can't afford giving such loans ) and not to visit again. But it is the job of your wife to tell him indeed. But if he comes again, you might ask him to leave and not return. And if he comes again, you should probably call the police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5189" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T12:07:11.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3459" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T12:07:57.970" Score="68" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, It is rude. The person asking is trying to get confirmation on whether the person is really from the place they say based on their physical appearance and/or name. But, context matters and it depends on the person being asked on whether to be offended or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my best friend's heritage is Gambian, but he himself is from London. We've had a conversation about this exact same scenario. People who were natively from the UK would ask the exact same thing. He has always preferred it when someones asked where his parents were from to get information on cultural heritage, rather than the assumption he wasn't originally from the UK. He's a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immigrant_generations#First_generation&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;first generation immigrant&lt;/a&gt;, so this isn't the case for everyone. He would normally see it as someone being ignorant and the other person being naive/&quot;that's the way they've been brought up&quot; rather than being outright rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, a good alternative would be &lt;strong&gt;to not ask at all&lt;/strong&gt;. Ethnicity shouldn't be really on the cards in a natural conversation if they're only curious about where the person they're asking is from. It should be believed that they're from where they say. The best way would be for the person to volunteer their ethnicity organically rather than be asked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if you are curious about their ethnicity, it should be asked at an appropriate time and place. Written at the bottom of &lt;a href=&quot;http://jezebel.com/how-to-ask-someone-about-their-ethnicity-without-being-758679070&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to Ask Someone About Their Ethnicity Without Being an Asshole&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Being curious about someone's ethnicity is perfectly fine, but just be&#xA;  aware that how and when you ask it has an impact on people, and if&#xA;  you're an asshole about it, the impact is othering. I've never been&#xA;  curt enough to say it when people ask me about my ethnicity, but the&#xA;  question that always pops up in my mind is, &quot;Why? Why do you need to&#xA;  know at this particular time?&quot; Ask yourself why you're doing it before&#xA;  you question someone about their background. If their ethnicity is&#xA;  relevant to the conversation, or perhaps you're at a point in your&#xA;  friendship where the question is appropriate, then it's fine. But&#xA;  chances are, if you're asking just to ask, you really just shouldn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In the words of Dodai, &quot;Keep yourself in check and don't be a jerk.&quot;&#xA;  It's that simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T23:42:02.607" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T23:42:02.607" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3220" CreationDate="2017-09-07T12:50:06.023" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try to find out what the reason is your friend wants to leave the hospital so badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that this friend is so insistent about going home suggests that there is a strong reason they want to leave. Without knowing the reason, you can't make an informed decision, nor can anyone on this site give you good advice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, the reason might be that a case of an addiction and withdrawal from that addiction as &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3384&quot;&gt;user3445853 suggests&lt;/a&gt;. Alternatively, the reason may be that the setting of the hospital room is causing mental distress. As you may be able to see, the whole discussion on whether or not you should take him home changes completely. It's also quite likely you may have a better grasp on what to do yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4508" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T12:50:06.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3453" CreationDate="2017-09-07T12:56:17.287" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother is like that too. I am 28-years old and my mother always treats me like I am a 5 year old (I am Indian). I moved to the US in 2013. The first two years of me being in college, she still spoke to me like that. The worst part is, sometimes, it is a compliment for a trivial task. Sometimes, it is criticism of an obviously correctly performed task. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like you mentioned, this is purely showing their superiority over you. &quot;You are still a child, I've done this very task a thousand times. I am going to assume you haven't because, you're just a child&quot; is the belief behind this. So how do you go about responding to this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To your mom: When this behavior started frustrating me, I sat down one day and wrote a LONG email. The email contained my experiences in life and all the stuff I've been through and come out of, without her help. The last paragraph of the email was, &quot;I know you care about me and want the best for me, but this is something I know how to handle. I am a grownup and have been through stuff that has trained me for this exact situation. I analyze and think before doing something. I appreciate your honest feedback about all the things I do, but I think I am doing the right thing. Compliments or criticisms are not required unless I ask for it&quot;. This is of course because of my mom's behavior to criticize things I did. I was pretty frustrated. Your situation, your mom genuinely considers you her little baby. She doesn't think you're stupid (like mine did). So an email in this style might come off as rude. I'd suggest maybe sitting down with her and having a one-on-one conversation. NOT about this issue, just an ADULT one-on-one conversation. About politics or languages or cultures or something like that. Make her feel like you've grown. She'll slowly stop doing that if you have one mature adult conversation with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;To your coworkers: The general reason behind it is the same as your mom. But dealing with it has to be COMPLETELY different. Every time I joined a new job, I went through that. I almost always succeed in not going through it after being there for a month.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Here is how I do it: AFTER the first month (not when you're still new), start telling your coworkers something in the lines of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh yeah I remember doing it in my last job(or earlier this month in this job, whichever applies)&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah I've had to do this so many times. Its funny, this one time when I was doing this... (add a random fake funny incident so the coworker DEFINITELY hears you say that you've done this enough to have stories to tell about it)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Didn't I do this last week? I don't remember how this part we... OH WAIT! I do now! I did this, and this and this! Yay I still remember! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please remember to be GENUINE to your coworkers. It SHOULD not come off as &quot;Jeez what a jerk&quot;. With a bubbly peppy smile on your face, anything you say is believable and adored. After a while, they will start telling you how &quot;You've really grown over the past few months&quot; or how &quot;you've learned the job quickly&quot;. It is insulting, but it is better than a lifetime of &quot;good job kitty, you pooed in the litter box&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T12:56:17.287" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3385" CreationDate="2017-09-07T14:17:11.357" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having Autism means that you have a harder time recognizing social cues, not that you are unable to learn social rules. The fact is that Alice is breaking social rules, and your friends are letting her get away with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is her right to be angry with you for whatever reason. It is her right to withdraw from you. It is not her right to interfere with others' interaction with you. That's &lt;em&gt;just not done&lt;/em&gt;.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice may need this particular rule stated for her explicitly (by one of the friends she's still talking to). Once that's accomplished, your friends should react to her boorish behavior in the same way they would react to it from anyone else: an odd look, withdrawal, resumption of the conversation with you, and with repetition of the behavior avoidance of Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3967" LastEditorUserId="3967" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T12:51:08.787" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T12:51:08.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3453" CreationDate="2017-09-07T14:41:57.573" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would &lt;strong&gt;take them as sincere praise&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, not everyone has as easy a time managing to do activities and tasks that in a lot of cases it may warrant praise. From what I can tell, you're taking these as if they were sarcastic and not accepting the genuine praise that someone is giving you. There is really no need to make it into a bigger issue than it is and taking the praise as a compliment on your development costs you nothing. This may be different for the German culture though, so keep in mind that this advice is coming from the US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example of this is at my current workplace where I work as an analyst, and am seen as an Excel expert. Things as simple as making a button in VBA to switch the data source on a chart &lt;em&gt;blows people away&lt;/em&gt;, and even though it may take me 5 minutes to write (including comments, explanation, and other things), for them it's an insurmountable task that they never would have been able to do on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my perspective it's their way of thinking that leads them to believe it's not possible, and you, having overcome these obstacles waaaay in the past, now find it trivial. Unless there's sarcasm involved (in which case the question is completely different), I don't think you really should do anything but &lt;strong&gt;respond with a heartfelt thank you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something I learned after struggling through my later teenage and early adult years is that &lt;strong&gt;difficulty is completely subjective&lt;/strong&gt;, so take any and all praise that is given sincerely well, and just remember that even though you think something is hard &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt; doesn't mean you will in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T14:41:57.573" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3466" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-07T14:49:26.173" Score="5" ViewCount="373" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have experienced this situation a couple of times when a candidate is giving an interview in front a panel (in some cases, they are senior but not boss, and other times, they are colleagues of same rank), and someone from the panel goes hard at the poor candidate (which is a nervous creature to me for most of the cases) and shakes his/her confidence a great deal. They ask some unnecessary/too difficult questions in a technical interview, when the candidate needs some basic questions to let him calm down and feel at ease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I (and some of the other co-interviewers) have often found it pretty up-setting as it ruins the whole purpose of an interview. Once I tried to interject during an interview to calm things down,  but was immediately shushed and told &quot;Don't say any such word in front of the candidate.&quot; The interviewer (being senior than me) agreed with me but asked me to shush as it would leave a bad impression in front of candidate. I did raise this issue in private with that interviewer later on and despite agreeing, I didn't see any change I am afraid (hence this question) .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I address the co-interviewer's attitude during the interview so that the candidate is treated more respectfully?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T16:56:35.813" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T16:56:35.813" Title="How can I address issues with our interview team's treatment of candidates?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3467" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3428" CreationDate="2017-09-07T14:52:38.433" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I understood everything:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You called your cat Kitty but didn't want to name it like that, but still wanted a name that looked like it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That Japanese person you saw once had his own name that began with the same three letters, which was what you were looking for, so you named your cat after him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You couldn't ask him the permission so you solved the problem by doing it anyway.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want to know how would a Japanese person would have taken it if asked.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Am I correct ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not a Japanese, but I assume that Japanese people's reaction to this situation would greatly vary from one to another, as in any other country in the world. Except by asking that particular person, you won't know. &lt;strong&gt;Japanese people are not identical and substitutable with each other.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, given that your solution when you couldn't get his opinion and permission at all was to simply do it, I doubt you are actually interested in his permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I want to ask your permission before entering in your home but you don't respond to your doorbell/phone, do I solve it by entering in your home anyway ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2705" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T14:52:38.433" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3468" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:07:46.753" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Pakistani person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5987" LastEditorUserId="5987" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T21:55:02.353" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T21:55:02.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3469" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:07:46.753" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Pakistan or Pakistani culture." OwnerUserId="5987" LastEditorUserId="5987" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T20:43:19.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T20:43:19.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3466" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:18:59.140" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Plan an interview strategy with the whole panel.  Your whole team should meet before you start interviewing candidates, and discuss how you want to approach it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the perfect venue for expressing your concerns about the difficulty of some of the questions, and the pacing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd start by asking if you can schedule a brief meeting to coordinate how you want to approach interviewing.  State that you think it would help the interviewing process if there was planning for who leads, what the agenda would look like, how the questions should work, etc..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your comment, I'm not clear if you discussed this before &lt;em&gt;during&lt;/em&gt; an interview, or outside of the interview and were cautioned to not bring that up during the actual interview.  Either way, it is good advice not to question or make suggestions about the interview process while a candidate is present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember: you want to impress the candidates, so that when you find ones that you want to work with, they're more likely to want to work with you.  Coming across as an organized team that handles the interview smoothly will provide a good impression.  Having members of the interviewing panel engage in sidebar discussion or asking questions about how they should proceed will provide a negative impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're concerned that you may be overstepping your bounds, phrase it as requesting guidance for what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; should be doing during the interview, such as when you should ask questions, what areas you should focus on, how many questions you should plan on asking, etc..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should try and avoid singling out the individual coworker that you feel is too aggressive.  Make it about how to work best as a team, and not about concerns you have with &lt;em&gt;members&lt;/em&gt; of the team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would caution against suggesting that &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt; difficult questions be asked.  There is a lot to be learned about a candidate from how they approach difficult problems; even problems beyond their abilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not uncommon to start with some easy questions, to, as you say, calm the candidate down and make them feel at ease. Once the candidate is feeling comfortable, though, there's no problem with asking &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; more difficult questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T15:48:58.240" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T15:48:58.240" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3471" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:28:11.527" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can speak from experience when I say yes, it is rude. Most phrasings translate to something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice: Where are you from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob: I'm from &lt;em&gt;mycity&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice: But where are you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which implies Alice either doesn't believe/accept Bob's answer, which is completely rude or is otherwise unsatisfied, which is none of Alice's business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems to happen more often when &lt;em&gt;mycity&lt;/em&gt; is a common destination for immigrants, or even people moving within the same country (think New York or Los Angeles). In these cases a scenario like the following is (in &lt;em&gt;my experience&lt;/em&gt;) less offensive/more acceptable:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice: Where are you from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob: I'm from &lt;em&gt;mycity&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice: Oh, ok. Are you from there originally?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob: Yes, born and raised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note the subtle difference here. This doesn't imply that they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; in fact originally from another location. It's asking, rather than assuming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach (again, in &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; experience/opinion) translates more to something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice: Oh, interesting. I know &lt;em&gt;mycity&lt;/em&gt; is a great place and many people seem to move there from other locations. Were you born there or do you fall into that category as well?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This says to me, &amp;quot;I accept your answer; you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; from &lt;em&gt;mycity&lt;/em&gt;. Now I'm curious about another topic.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this is only one person's account and if you're unsure whether it may cause offense, it's best not to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1801" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T20:27:06.140" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:30:40.567" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, many people will perceive the question as rude, and some will find it racist as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking the question implies that, for some reason, Eva presumes Alice wasn't born in L.A.---that something about Alice caused Eva to assume she was born elsewhere, even though Alice had just said she was from L.A..  Whatever that reason was, it's a rude assumption to make, because it suggests that Eva has some concept of what Americans typically look like, and Alice doesn't fit it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a pretty common issue, common enough that the exact question (&quot;Where are you from originally?&quot;) and its variants commonly show up as examples of what are called &quot;microagressions&quot;.  I know there are people who dislike the concept of microagressions or the discussions around it, but that's irrelevant to the point that a lot of people have pointed out publicly that they get asked this question a lot, and find it rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5216" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T15:30:40.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3428" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:33:05.670" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know about him, but in his place I would find it offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Particularly because I &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; a professor, and I spent 14 years in college becoming a professor, and you are equating such a person to a pet animal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you want to name your child after him because you admired his work and wanted your child to aspire to such greatness? That might have been acceptable. Naming your cat after him because his name reminds you of &quot;cat&quot;: That was demeaning to his stature, no matter how you mentally justified it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T06:37:49.747" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T06:37:49.747" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:34:58.010" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Abstractly speaking there is nothing wrong with asking someone where they are from, especially in places like United States (or Canada) that have a lot of immigrants. Many people like to talk about other countries and how different certain things are (in my high school that was a fairly common topic for people getting to know each other).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However is &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; rude to continue to pry once the person gave their answer because it implies that the person is more &quot;foreign&quot; due to their appearance even though everyone in North America, except natives is an immigrant or descended from them, and white folks are just as &quot;foreign&quot; to this place as any other non native people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are really interested in someone's cultural background, a better approach might be to get the ball rolling yourself by discussing yours and if they are interested they can then also volunteer stories from the &quot;old country&quot; or some quirky beliefs their family has etc. And if they aren't interested in talking about that don't try to force it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T15:34:58.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3475" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3480" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:35:37.947" Score="40" ViewCount="18320" Body="&lt;p&gt;My question is similar to: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1894/&quot;&gt;How can I respond when someone asks me when I&amp;#39;m going to get married to my girlfriend?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But &lt;strong&gt;my case is pretty different&lt;/strong&gt;. I am a teacher and hence can't avoid public and receive this question from a lot of people from my home to university. Here are some of the points to give you the idea of embarrassing situations I receive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't have any GF/relation and they come up with even worse things like suggesting Ms. XYZ as &quot;&lt;em&gt;Hey, What about her?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; (completed with a wink) and they &quot;move on&quot; after ruining my whole day?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The &quot;aunts&quot; of the family start enjoying by teasing me. Their first step is: &quot;Should we start finding a girl for you?&quot;. But once I politely refuse, next trap is even deadly one as they start enjoying over &quot;Who is the one you have hidden from all of us that you are deferring the Wedding?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I live in Pakistan where such a jokes/teasing about the wedding are common (but I don't like them one bit) but because of that, I don't want to be harsh on anyone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I saw answers to the related question but I can't make excuses like &quot;I have already talked to my GF&quot;, or &quot;I am too young&quot; (at the wrong end of 20's which is not young at all for a marriage here), etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The toughest part is my politeness being mistaken as &quot;he is also enjoying it with us - see he is about to blush&quot; while from inside I wonder on them for wasting time on a repeated useless question (once I got married, you all will know. No?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I respond in a polite way which would let the other person know that I am seriously not interested in this topic? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Once I got married, you all will know&quot; doesn't work too much as they still keep pushing me - even suggesting XYZ.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:39:21.767" LastActivityDate="2020-09-07T03:43:42.113" Title="How to respond to &quot;When are you getting married&quot;?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;&lt;teasing&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3477" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3466" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:52:53.913" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's worth noting that in an interview situation the person being interviewed is also using this opportunity to see the people they will be working for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By dealing with the 'issues' you mention in your post you might not be helping the candidate but hiding a potential issue that might effect their choice toward the role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Job interviews are not simply about whether a person can do a job, but how well they will fit in with the particular workplace culture. We all sometimes have to work with people we have difficulty relating to. However it seems from your question that this person is in a position of authority, and is well aware of it. A candidate who has difficulty in an interview with this person is unlikely to have greater success working regularly for that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4421" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T15:52:53.913" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:54:12.120" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Asking &quot;where are you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; from&quot; implies the questioner thinks you don't &lt;em&gt;belong&lt;/em&gt; here, that you look like a foreigner, that you aren't &lt;strong&gt;one of us.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is alienating, and therefore rude. Alice is the one accused: From her point of view, why does this &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;matter&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to Eve? Why would she press it? The only rational explanation is that Eve &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;treats people differently&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; if they are native or not; which makes Eve a bigot or racist that is trying to figure out how she should treat Alice. No wonder Alice becomes cautious in dealing with Eve: Eve has already revealed a bias that excludes Alice from Eve's &quot;one of us&quot; inner circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T23:05:30.737" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T23:05:30.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3475" CreationDate="2017-09-07T15:58:15.890" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will get married when I fall in love, with someone that loves me back, and I don't need any help meeting candidates, thank you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;edit by request:&lt;/strong&gt;  Why this works: It is a rational criterion in any free society for somebody getting married (mutual love), and a firmly polite way of telling people they do not feel the need for (or want) any help in the matter. This is what the OP requested. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="4898" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T16:56:31.843" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T16:56:31.843" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3475" CreationDate="2017-09-07T16:02:51.373" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;I come from The Netherlands. Let me assure you that joking about relationships/weddings is very common here as well, since (at least in my area) people are usually married by their mid-twenties. Just as you, I get a lot of jokes about my lack of interest in any relationship. Here's what I have done about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not responding seriously at all. When a family member at a birthday party starts the topic by asking &quot;And, do you have a boyfriend already&quot;, I make sure to always reply with the same old joke, in a bored tone of voice: &quot;No, my prince fell off his white horse and is too stubborn to ask for directions&quot;. Since they have heard this joke a thousand times by now, they do not find it funny anymore and switch the topic.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If by chance I am having a serious conversation and the topic comes up, I usually explain that I went to school for more than 2/3 of my life, and that I am enjoying the freedom I now have. So I feel no wish to give up some of that freedom and start investing time in developing a serious relationship. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And if people are suggesting dates to me, I usually just ignore that. If they keep bringing up the subject, I politely (and firmly, assert yourself!) ask them to not do that. Depending on the circumstances, I might be more or less snarky, but I &#xA;always make sure to tell them I am not interested, and not to&#xA;interfere with my life please.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your politeness is seen as you enjoying their teasing, then it is time to become a little less polite, and assert yourself a little more. A very direct approach might be better then: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I am not appreciating these jokes, certainly not since they are made this often. They are not getting any funnier. Please, leave me to live &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; life, if anything interesting happens, you will know. I am not enjoying your meddling with &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; life, I am perfectly capable of finding a partner on my own, should I wish to do so. If I ever need help with that, you will know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, marriage and relationships are a thing people like teasing with. But from my experience, once I have made myself very clear to a person that does it too often for my taste, they will stop. Just don't be too polite. If a &quot;Please, stop&quot; does not work, you really have to speak up more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-16T17:07:49.217" LastActivityDate="2019-05-16T17:07:49.217" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T16:05:08.473" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like others have said, yes, it is rude and probably will be interpreted as racist to ask someone where they're &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; from. As a caucasian male born in the US, I can't remember ever being asked where I/my family is &quot;actually&quot; from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the more harmless way of asking about a person's background is asking &quot;Are you from [current city]?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your scenario, Eve asking that lets Alice talk about where she's lived as much as she'd like and gives Eve much more flexibility in the follow-up questions. For example, Eve could then ask Alice what brought her to the New York, what she misses about LA, if her family visits her here, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5218" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T16:05:08.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3095" CreationDate="2017-09-07T16:06:00.283" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an Indian student too. I study in grade XI, and I've faced the same problem really often, as I have a similar teacher at school. My Physics teacher is really smart and has been teaching for a long time, but like your cousin's teacher, he never answers doubts, and doesn't let us even ask them as he teaches. Due to his long teaching career, he has a highly specialised method of teaching, but often, he doesn't allow us to ask our doubts... He asks us to ask them later, but &quot;later&quot; never comes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I've found to be a really good method of getting my concepts cleared is to be &lt;strong&gt;assertive&lt;/strong&gt; in class. In case my teacher makes sarcastic remarks, I reply to them seriously, saying that I truly don't understand, and although the others may have understood, I did not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're cousin has issues with speaking up in front of the whole class, tell him to overcome that, or provide him guidance to do so, as that's what helps to ask doubts to a teacher like this. If he thinks he would be able to build solid concepts through questions and doubt clearing, so be it. The teacher should not try to change the learning style of any single student, as each one is different, and must be taught in their own way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If needed, ask your cousin's parents to go and meet up with the concerned physics teacher, asking for more time, or whatever he requires, as without this kind of understanding, he would be unable to understand, and therefore, will be unable to meet his own expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, make sure that your cousin's teacher gets to know about this problem that he is facing, as otherwise, he will never know, and your cousin's learning will forever remain incomplete.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T16:06:00.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3453" CreationDate="2017-09-07T16:08:21.217" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;With my mother, I have replied &quot;and I dressed myself today, and ate all my peas!&quot; A similar idea with friends. &quot;I also made toast this morning without any help from anybody!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible find a humorous retort delivered as a joke that gently emphasizes their praise was condescending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T16:08:21.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3475" CreationDate="2017-09-07T16:17:15.810" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's difficult to answer from a different culture ( UK here). But I've certainly had relatives who behaved in a similar way. That Aunt who would ask everyone about it. Often this approval for this sort of behaviour is deeply socially and culturally ingrained, and whether you like it ( or find it appropriate) its unlikely they will stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also likely that there are other people who simply 'put up and shut up', providing them with validation of their behaviour and countering any 'Please don't ask again' comments or statements you may make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While as a rule I agree with the other answer here, often the people asking you are not actually curious ( well perhaps they are..), but are actually simply trying to interact with you in a socially compliant manner. And they will continue to behave like this no matter what action you take ( short of you going to far and offending them which would simply cause another, and possibly worse, issue)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One approach I would suggest, is to have another subject already prepared in advance, perhaps a little harmless gossip ( or a joke) about another family member or mutual acquaintance. Some good news about school or your career. Remember they're looking for interact and approval, once you've moved the conversation away from it, its usually difficult for them to ask again without motive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4421" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T16:17:15.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T16:42:32.533" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone tells you they are from L.A. and you say &quot;yes, but where are you from &lt;em&gt;originally&lt;/em&gt;&quot; then you are implying that they are not a &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; Angelino, unlike all those people who aren't being asked this question. That is why it is rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before asking this question you should ask yourself why you think this person is not a &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; Angelino? Is it skin colour, or accent, or name, or what? How many generations does a family have to live somewhere before they are considered authentic residents?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are genuinely interested then you might consider questions like &quot;Thats an unusual surname; where does it come from?&quot;, which expresses interest in their family background without implying that their identity as a native of Los Angeles is somehow bogus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3550" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T16:42:32.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3475" CreationDate="2017-09-07T16:45:26.287" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hope its completely fine by answering them &quot;I'm currently very caught up in my job and career. I don't think that I'm ready for marriage yet. When I feel like it's the right time, I'll think about it.&quot; Say that with a serious and polite tone. Say this with a funny casual tone, &quot;I hope that the world is not ending tonight&quot;, wink and leave. ( Do leave so that they don't continue the same discussion. Or divert the topic, to a topic where it makes the one who put you the question uncomfortable to reply. Be smart. :p )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5189" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T16:45:26.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T16:47:12.923" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Good answers, but... The question in your title is very different from what you ask in the body of your question.  No, it is not rude (or racist, ignorant, etc) to ask someone where they are from originally.  Nor is it polite.  It depends on the situation and company.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a person asks this AFTER someone has specifically stated where they are from, that demonstrates either poor listening skills (rude) or a failure to differentiate between an individual and their ancestors (more ignorant than rude, IMHO, but close enough).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer here is based on 40+ years of observing my own specific culture (with a Western North America, upper-end blue-collar bias). Considering that &quot;rude&quot; is a very individual interpretation of any given action, I don't know what authority or evidence we might seek out that would be of higher value than that of any individual who thinks about such things. One piece of evidence I can offer is the show &quot;Finding Your Roots&quot; with Henry Louis Gates. The entire show is about genealogy, and no guest has yet seemed offended, demonstrating that context is everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5225" LastEditorUserId="12101" LastEditDate="2019-12-09T10:24:25.253" LastActivityDate="2019-12-09T10:24:25.253" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3489" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3495" CreationDate="2017-09-07T16:59:27.130" Score="24" ViewCount="5179" Body="&lt;p&gt;Until now, my family and I had a tradition of making waffles and eating them on Christmas morning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The devices used to make said waffles were two 70s era electric waffle makers. Suffice to say that waffles are not considered &quot;legit&quot; for the tradition unless they are made with these waffle makers or the equivalent vintage devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An important person at church is a teacher at a local high school and teaches culinary arts, and asked to borrow the waffle makers. We agreed after letting her know that these waffle makers fulfill this important traditional role in our holiday festivities, so it cannot be said that she did not know how important they were to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A great deal of time passed before we learned that she had accidentally donated the waffle makers some time ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that I am forced to accept that these items are gone. I will not be loaning items to this person again. And meanwhile, I am looking for replacements at thrift stores, and perhaps I will find some in time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that's not the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is that the borrower, after informing us of the loss of the items, and having been informed of their importance prior to borrowing them, has made no gesture other than a verbal apology. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am rather upset about it, and unfortunately when I am upset about something, going up and talking to the person tends to make that person never want to talk to me again. &quot;Learn to be calmer!&quot; would be great advice, to which I would ask &quot;Great! How?&quot; I have exactly the same response to the advice &quot;Get over it!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel there should have been some effort on her part to acquire replacements, or at least some offer of remuneration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And let us say that I do demand some sort of redress. Then it was grudgingly done, only to shut me up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The long version of the question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to ask for redress of a grievance that &quot;ruins&quot; a long held family tradition in way that does not destroy the relationship yet also assuages my disappointment and anger?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I think I'm hosed here....)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:44:44.623" Title="How to ask for redress of a grievance that &quot;ruins&quot; a long held family tradition in way that does not ruin things?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3095" CreationDate="2017-09-07T17:01:13.953" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an Indian. To be honest, these situations are very common in Indian Education System. The easiest answer I could give is, just give a complaint on the teacher to the principal. It always works. When I had the same problem with my biology teacher ( my students had the same issue ), so all of our parents gave a complaint against the teacher. Then she started addressing all our doubts. If possible let the teacher know that the student has this issue in a parent-teacher meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5189" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T17:01:13.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3489" CreationDate="2017-09-07T17:33:11.393" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly? As you said, &quot;get over it&quot; is pretty much the best thing to do if you don't want an unnecessary confrontation over an old waffle iron. But the disappointment and anger still exists. A few questions to ask yourself here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is some sort of repayment from the loaner going to make you actually feel better?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A replacement waffle maker from the loaner ever going to feel the same to you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is more important? The antiquity of the waffle maker or the destruction of your tradition?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some suggestions for each possible answer for the aforementioned 3 questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the loaner gives you, say $500 (just throwing a number out there). Would it be easier for you to forgive her right then and there and stop being upset that she lost your waffle maker? Probably, yes. But every day you get up to make waffles and see that you have to use the new fancy Waffle maker with the high resolution display, would that hurt you a bit? Probably, yes. Family traditions and antiquity are both equally important in this situation. But is there anything you can do to replace both of them and feel happy after? Not really, unless you actually accept the fact that it is never going to be the same and try to be attached to a new tradition/waffle maker.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Replacement waffle maker would pretty much mean the same feelings from your side as mentioned in the first point. But, how frustrating would be if she bought a couple of cheap waffle makers and give them to you and think you'll be happy thereafter? The first thought that would come into your mind is: &quot;Seriously? Are you trying to replace those old antique waffle makers with these cheap knock-offs?&quot; Even if they take the time and effort and find an antique, you'd still feel meh about it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the antiquity of the waffle maker is more important to you, no new antique waffle maker is the same as this particular one that your ancestors bought in the 70s. If destruction of tradition is more important to you, a new waffle iron or new tradition(say hot dogs on a really old grill), neither is going to be satisfying to you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, some sort of display of grief on the loaner's part is definitely due. My advise is, approach the loaner. I know this particular line is going to receive criticism, but make the loaner feel bad about doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few ways to go about doing it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could always use the good-old &quot;You are a bad human for destroying my family tradition&quot; approach. This is just an unnecessarily escalated argument. I'd suggest staying on the &quot;nicer&quot; side.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Next time you talk to the person or spend time with them, talk about how it is not the same. Do not ever mention the words &quot;since you lost the waffle maker&quot;. They need to know innately it is their fault. Something in the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;yeah we've been looking for an antique waffle iron to replace our old ones. Could you keep your eyes open for any antique waffle maker when you go to a thrift store next time or something? I'd really appreciate some leads on this&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Grandma(/grandpa/any of the oldest family members that have been a part of this tradition in your family) is very upset that the new waffle makers we got does not feel the same anymore. I've been trying to get him to like it and feel like it is still the old tradition, but it is really hard&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like that. If you see their face cringe a little bit, you'd feel better about it. Humans are ugly creatures like that. We need others to feel bad about doing something ugly to you like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Story time:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom had a typewriter that belonged to her dad. He used to type stories in the typewriter when he was in his mid-30s. My dad is a greedy person. He took the typewriter to the place you sell iron by weight (because this typewriter was made predominantly of iron). He sold the typewriter for a VERY small amount. My mom was very upset about it. She talked to him about how important this typewriter was to her and that she would never forgive him for selling it. He didn't seem to care too much. A few months passed, my mom found an article in the newspaper about how old typewriters are starting to become antique and are worth a lot of money. She took that article to my dad and told him: &quot;Look at this, we got ripped off on the typewriter sale, we could have made so much more&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She obviously didn't mean it. She didn't want it sold. She knew that the only way she's going to get to my dad is making him actually feel bad for whatever he believes in; in this case, money. He felt bad after reading it, came to my mom, and apologized with a few tears in his eyes saying &quot;I am sorry. I didn't realize how valuable these typewriters are.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Moral of the story:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did he actually feel bad for the right reasons? No. Did it make my mom feel better that he at least felt bad? YES! She felt better after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its that small craving for regret from someone for their fault that would make you feel better. It is easy to make that happen with guilt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S.: I apologize if anyone doesn't agree with this answer or if I offended anyone by this, but this is just how most humans are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T17:33:11.393" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3492" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T17:37:47.260" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a bit rude to outright ask someone &quot;Where are you from?&quot; based solely on their appearance. And as Bradley Wilson pointed out above, it shouldn't matter when you're just meeting someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One could ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Where did you grow up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you grow up in (whatever area/city/town you are in now)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also opens the door for follow-up questions that can help you learn more about the person themselves and create a better bond with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they grew up in the local area you might find common ground with respect to schools, universities, social clubs, or mutual acquaintances. If they didn't, you have the chance to ask them about how it was to grow up wherever they did. Either way it helps you connect better with the person, and they (usually) like that you took a genuine interest in them as a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2941" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T17:37:47.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T17:55:23.310" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The question is worded &quot;ask someone&quot; but infers &quot;ask a westerner&quot;,&#xA;this answer responds to the &quot;someone&quot; variant, not &quot;westerner&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In colleges with multicultural student populations, &quot;Where are you from?&quot; can be a safe question for anyone to ask. The reason for this is that nearly everyone can be expected to come from somewhere distant, and even people of western appearance are quite often from Poland, or Hungary, or Mexico for example. (based on recent, actual classmates). It is a reasonable question to ask anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, even away from multicultural campuses, the question itself does not typically seem to arouse offence or hostility in Toronto, Canada. This does not mean that people will not take offence to the question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question wrapped inside your question seems to be: &quot;Is there an easy way to assume that someone has just taken offence to the question?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The safest bet, if you look western, and the person is 2nd generation, is to simply assume that they will take offence, and let it come out when they volunteer the information. Perhaps being a citizen from birth who gets perpetually mistaken for a tourist gets old quickly...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you look western, and the person asked is 2nd generation, the reaction to being accosted by a lost tourist frantically speaking a language the listener is expected (hoped) to speak based on their appearance, is usually to clarify the situation with hand signals, not immediately become offended. (Although an assertion rather than a question, the answer is still to say where you are from, or are not from, or become offended.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A quick caveat here is that your friend from Vietnam may have just learned Japanese. While guessing if they are Japanese when they understand a store sign likely isn't offensive, if asking the question isn't safe, guessing isn't safe either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask, and they play dumb, like in the OP's example, they probably took offence, or maybe just felt cornered by the line of questioning. Remember, people who would have the most interesting answer to that question &quot;Where are you from?&quot;, might not always have immediate fond memories of the place. (Possibly even the reason they left.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The confusion likely stems from nuanced communication, over ignorance of the implication.&#xA;(hypothetical example: 8-year-old feels compelled to bring mommy up to speed by clarifying that they mean &quot;Where are our ANCESTORS from, mommy.&quot;) If a child would find the question an easy, unambiguous one, there is likely much being left unspoken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, the opposite can be true in a very multicultural environment, potentially magnified by the attitude students can have to experiencing new and interesting things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the past three years at the neighbourhood college, students have systematically asked each other where they are from, quite often directly after learning each other's name. Nobody gave, nor expected the answer &quot;Toronto&quot; unless it came out that there was an actual Canadian in their midst.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is often taken as a compliment that anyone would take an interest in their homeland (or home city), and perhaps in contrast to expectations, the compliment is considered to carry more weight if the one asking is assumed to be 'native' or an ambassador of the country in which the conversation is taking place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5235" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T17:55:23.310" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3495" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3489" CreationDate="2017-09-07T18:04:11.690" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;At first I thought there was no way here. But I reread and noticed&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An important person at church&lt;/strong&gt; is a teacher at a local high school and teaches culinary arts, and asked to borrow the waffle makers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this person professes to be a Christian (and you do as well), there is a straightforward solution, but that doesn't mean she will receive it well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Matthew 18: 15 states&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him — work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend.&quot; (It goes on to say, &quot;If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.&quot;) (The Message)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly you need not go as far, but there is good reason to confront this person: they have caused you harm (grief, anger, and resentment). They, as a Christian, should understand if you approach them in the spirit of Matt 18, to make reparations to your relationship. They have damaged that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to ask for redress...in way that does not destroy the relationship yet also assuages my disappointment and anger?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't do anything but ask. If this person cannot apologize in a meaningful way that repairs the relationship, you can accept that they are lacking in empathy and/or interpersonal skills, and you can either forgive, knowing you've done your part, or you can proceed, and talk to your pastor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck getting back antique waffle irons (honestly.) It would be great if you did, but for the sake of restitution, I would ask for new waffle irons myself. Then, even though it's not the same thing, you can continue the tradition while you're looking for the real thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited to add: For those who aren't Christians&lt;/strong&gt; and who feel this is useless to them, I'd ask, what other options do you have? You have to either confront the person or forgive them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone has hurt you. You have festering anger and disappointment because you were not treated like your hurt mattered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the harm done is grievous enough that forgiving them just isn't happening, and you want to approach the person (as the OP states in the question) in a way that won't ruin the relationship, this advice still holds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approach the person in the spirit of saving the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It takes courage, but it sends this message (even if it's not your primary motivation; even if your primary motivation is to deliver yourself of your hurt): &lt;em&gt;our relationship is important to me&lt;/em&gt;. I don't think you realize it, but you damaged our relationship with your actions. I need to talk to you about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The principle is the same. Ask for a time to meet this person. Tell them why you want to meet. Let them pick the time and place so they feel some control. Then meet. Practice what you're going to say ahead of time. Be kind, even if they weren't. But be direct as well. Tell them how much lingering hurt you've experienced from their action, &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; how they dismissed it/reacted to it. Then wait for them to either recognize they need to do more, or to be defensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they recognize the need to do more, great! You're on your way to reparation and redress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are defensive (the will counter with &quot;facts&quot;, not feelings), return the conversation to &lt;em&gt;feelings&lt;/em&gt;; people can argue &quot;facts&quot;, &lt;em&gt;but they can't deny your feelings.&lt;/em&gt; If you concentrate on your feelings (&quot;but I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; feel  hurt, even if you think I shouldn't&quot;), they will either eventually relent and ask what they can do, or they will show that they place their own feelings and beliefs above your own, i.e. they are unable to empathize enough to repair the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point, you - if the relationship is more important - either ask for mediation, or you forgive. You did what you could, there is nothing more to do. But the person &lt;em&gt;heard&lt;/em&gt; you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often, that's really what it takes, to be heard as a person with real feelings. Ideally then you're treated like one, too. But you can lead a horse to water...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T13:44:44.623" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:44:44.623" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3497" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-07T18:53:09.870" Score="-6" ViewCount="1482" Body="&lt;p&gt;There seems to be a great deal of misunderstanding about the following exchange between two people, the first wishes to broaden their cultural horizons while expressing an interest in the acquaintance's heritage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This genuine interest; however, is betrayed by the imprecision of the question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Outgoing&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;Hi! I'm ______, nice to meet you.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Shy&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;Hi, nice to meet you too. I'm ________.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Outgoing&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;Oh yeah, so where are you from?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Shy&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;CurrentCity&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Outgoing&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;Oh.&quot; (surprised the listener failed to understand)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;   &quot;I mean, where are you &lt;em&gt;originally&lt;/em&gt; from?&quot;&lt;br&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The intent of re-asking the question is to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm asking based on your facial features, style of dress, or manner of speech; i.e. noticeably different, or similar to my own. &quot;Outgoing&quot; could have said:        &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are there any countries, languages, customs, or styles of fashion or music or literature, that I might already have a keen interest in, that you have been influenced by or possibly have insider information about, that could lead to many lively and fulfilling conversations between the two of us?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to know if there is a simpler way of expressing the above: a clear way to express the full intent behind the question in a way that is both unambiguous and conversational. In such a way that the listener may respond: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Outgoing&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;Oh yeah, so where are you from?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Shy&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;CurrentCity&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Outgoing&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;Me too! I just spent all week talking about CurrentCity though.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Shy&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;Well I (grew up in/just visited/did my residency) in Taipei...&quot;    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5235" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T10:25:54.700" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T10:25:54.700" Title="How to safely phrase &quot;I wish to broaden my cultural horizons while taking an interest in yours.&quot;" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="20" ClosedDate="2017-09-08T01:29:07.217" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3498" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3043" CreationDate="2017-09-07T19:23:21.863" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Traditionally (at least in the US) a fence is sort of jointly owned and maintained by both parties it divides. Legally, more likely it is owned by the party upon whose land it physically sits. But it is traditional for neighbors on good terms to share the costs of fence maintenance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But of course your neighbors may not realize any of this, or care. However, if they are the type who don't like to do outside maintenance of their property (for whatever reason. Time, money, etc.) then its likely they'd be delighted if you showed up offering to do it for them on your own dime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, I'd suggest being as nice as possible, and backing straight off if they have an issue with it. I'd much rather have a dilapidated fence on one side of my property than a human being who has a beef with me. You gotta sleep sometime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T19:23:21.863" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3046" CreationDate="2017-09-07T19:47:15.063" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First. Don't confess yet to her. You stated yourself that you sometimes hangout and that you are friends. You like her, and with a little luck, she likes you. But that is all. It's not loving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second. Give yourself a chance to really know her and get in love with her, same goes for her. Try going out with her alone to the movies, dinner, just shopping, maybe a concert, be there for her when she has problems. Talk to her about the things you like, get her to open to you. Have fun together. After all that. Then confess to her. A lover is your best friend, someone you can depend on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third. I'm an introvert person too, but experience has taught me that it is not ok to express your feelings in a way to shield yourself from a rejection, like a letter. That is disrespectful to the girl you like. Take into account that relationships are also about exposing yourself to being hurt, she probably has done it before in her past relationships, and if she accepts to be in a relationship with you, she is taking that chance too. Don't be afraid to be hurt, you will learn how to deal with that and it will help you in the long-term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T19:55:13.517" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T19:55:13.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3501" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3504" CreationDate="2017-09-07T20:04:27.907" Score="3" ViewCount="1396" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend needed to clean her house and I let her borrow my vacuum. It’s been over a month and she still hasn’t returned it. She said she had asked me to pick it up the following day, but I never agreed to it and she only half mentioned it and wasn’t clear. I really need my vacuum back. I’ve tried emailing, calling and texting her and most of the time I don’t get a response. This isn’t fully unusual because where she lives has almost no cellphone reception. When she does reply she says she’s been busy but since it’s over a month this is ridiculous. What are my options? I can only think of reporting it stolen to the police but I really like her and don’t want to get her in trouble. I could try telling her I’m going to report it stolen if she doesn’t give it back. Just to be clear I haven’t actually seen her in over a month. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not a super expensive vacuum but I need it to clean my place, and I don't understand what the deal is. I told her I consider this stealing and she said she doesn't want my vacuum. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5247" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T20:10:06.580" LastActivityDate="2019-06-08T14:18:24.783" Title="Friend not returning vacuum I let her borrow" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3497" CreationDate="2017-09-07T20:09:25.680" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One relatively safe way is to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, were you born here? &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Did you grow up in CurrentCity?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also ask where they went to School/University as an indirect means of finding this out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the asker is of similar race or ethnicity they can ask something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, do you speak MyLanguage by any chance? &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Have you ever been to MyHomeCounry? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In general when you are asking where people are &lt;em&gt;originally&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; from etc, you're implying that they are foreign or out of place which some people resent, especially if they were born in CurrentCity, so it's probably best to avoid that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="2002" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T20:24:36.140" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T20:24:36.140" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3503" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3497" CreationDate="2017-09-07T20:27:29.703" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can ask some variant of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where are your ancestors from?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What can you tell me about your heritage?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What values do you cherish in your family?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What does your name mean?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Rationale&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are naturally interested in their ancestry and are often proud of their heritage, culture, and values. Phrasing it in terms of &lt;em&gt;people&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;kinship&lt;/em&gt; makes the question much more conversational and less fraught with land-mines than a question about one's style of dress, accent or skin color, although many gracious individuals will not have any problem discussing these because they understand the connection to their roots and are happy to share it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some will be embarrassed and will not know about their own heritage. Some may still take offense at the question no matter how nicely it is worded. It is not normal to be diffident about where one's name comes from, what it means, or what is one's heritage or ancestry. In these cases you can help them to develop a wholesome curiosity in these by making an inquiry with a clear intention to laud their virtues and to know their culture and values. You can give truthful examples about what you have learned about others who might have some common ground with them. E.g. &quot;The Salvadorians I have met have been unanimously cheerful and generous. I want to know where they get it from.&quot;. This may spark some flicker of recognition of their own culture, values and virtues, and even if it misses the mark of their own background or interests, it is a gracious compliment of a pleasing attribute they may internally receive further motivation to strive for or to recognize in others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others may value their heritage on a deeply personal level but may consider it too sacred or private to discuss openly. Still, it is entirely appropriate to achieve at least an approximate understanding of their special strengths, and such conversation often does develop into communication and appreciation of their more definitive attributes. In such cases you can always clarify that you are trying not to pry but that you also prefer not to be too superficial. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people may simply be unwilling to discuss their identity and origins, and so it is in good taste to concede them their desire, with clear good will on your part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many conversations I have had, it becomes more natural to ask about second languages, etc. once a place of national heritage is established, e.g.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Stranger: &quot;My family is from Russia&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Local: &quot;Privet!&quot; (Clarifying that this is the only phrase I know in Russian, but it is a clear token of friendliness.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing about the fact of having a distinct national heritage that singles a person out as &quot;foreign&quot; or &quot;out of place&quot;. All people have a heritage that traces back through some place that is with increasing frequency different than the place where they now reside or are visiting, as implied in the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are clear, unoffensive questions and they avoid the trap of trying to trace a complex timeline of where a person has lived or visited, which nowadays is very lengthy and is usually much less meaningful than one's ancestral origins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5249" LastEditorUserId="5249" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T20:55:32.083" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T20:55:32.083" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3501" CreationDate="2017-09-07T20:35:13.443" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reporting a non-returned vacuum to the police seems rather severe and very unlikely to produce any results (I would actually recommend not wasting your or the police's time with such a matter).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd send a text as follows,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Alice! Need to get that vacuum back from you. I'll stop by tomorrow at 6 after work to pick it up. If you're not around, leave it outside somewhere hidden and let me know where it is so I can just grab it. Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not asking, you're telling her you will be at her place to get the vacuum and she doesn't even have to be there for it! (Could it get more convenient?) If she doesn't respond to it before 6 the next day, you can either wait for a response or take the risk of just showing up at 6 and hoping she's there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just never hear from her again, consider it a gift and get a new vacuum. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T20:35:13.443" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3505" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3385" CreationDate="2017-09-07T21:06:30.940" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm very much afraid that you have become 'the enemy'.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You action has firmly placed you in this category. She will treat you as dangerous, and this will not stop. Social convention, making apologies and such will fail as she does not speak this language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;In general.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Autism hinders you in interpreting human motives and makes social processes a minefield that has the potential to cause great harm seemingly out of nowhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice's behaviour may seem out of proportion as well as rigid but this is caused by 'speaking another language' rather than out and out enmity. She sees parts and bits, has a lot of trouble making that into a whole and has to cope with these very very unpredictable human beings, all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can find a way to say, I want to be friends, I will be there for you, you will have to signal that in a way she can understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people with autism keep to one person that they 'let in' as that is what they are most comfortable with. Alice seems to be a lot more open to the world than that; good for her! But still dropping a person that has violated her recipe of friendship will be easier than allowing that same person back in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What to do?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you need to give here some flowers, or perhaps you have to save her life and die in the attempt before you stop being the enemy and become part of her team again. As her value set will be hard to determine you can perhaps best approach someone who knows her from way back in order to assess whether the situation can be salvaged at all and if so what will work, what will speak to her as gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I very much hope it will succeed!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T21:06:30.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3506" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-07T21:14:56.860" Score="0" ViewCount="12385" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been around people who smoke all my life, and so I know what the smell is like. Sometimes people sit beside me in lecture, and this smell comes from these people beside me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However sometimes when it's raining and the weather is cold, a very similar smell comes as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I can never be 100% sure what I am smelling, smoke or just the air outside. What's the best way to ask &quot;do you smoke&quot;, without sounding too nosey or weird?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2263" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T02:16:51.743" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T02:16:51.743" Title="What is the proper way to ask someone if they smoke or not?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;smoking-vaping&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-09-08T00:23:36.767" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3506" CreationDate="2017-09-07T21:24:16.147" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I might make it a &quot;third party&quot; issue by saying &quot;Is &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; smoking or is that the wind and rain outside blowing smoke.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone might &quot;'fess up.&quot; They might not. They might say, &quot;It's not me.&quot; But at least you've avoided a certain awkwardness by making it a less direct question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T21:24:16.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T21:34:20.070" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, but you need to be careful how you do it. Specifically, you need to be careful about what news editors call a &quot;hook.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's best to ask the question in a reasonable context. For instance, if someone says, &quot;I flew in this morning,&quot; you might ask, &quot;Where did you fly in from?&quot; If someone demonstrates a strong knowledge about a certain of the country (or world), you could (in many cases) ask, &quot;Are you from there? You know an awful lot about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't do so in a way that seems to exclude people. Don't comment on their &quot;accent&quot; for instance, or the way they look or dress as your &quot;hook&quot; for asking the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you ask people where they ware from, and they tell you, and you want to know where they are from &quot;originally,&quot; ask them if they have lived anywhere else. Or have they lived in &quot;L.A.&quot; (per the question) all their life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-09-09T17:27:42.263" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T17:27:42.263" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3095" CreationDate="2017-09-07T21:46:02.210" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;All your cousin's &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; teachers know him because he is a &quot;repeat&quot; student. I would talk to (or have your cousin talk to) the other teachers, and have them intercede with the physics teacher. Have them explain that your cousin is a diligent student with a bright future who is &quot;slow&quot; and therefore has a lot of &quot;doubts.&quot; He can pass his classes, but with difficulty, and they've made every effort to help him pass. You might have the teachers emphasize that the cousin respects the teacher's knowledge and competence, but is having difficulty in (receiving) &quot;communication.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The physics teacher may then deal better with your cousin's &quot;doubts.&quot; He may find a different way to help your cousin pass. But given that he is new, and (probably) wants to &quot;fit in,&quot; the best way of communicating may be through &quot;peer pressure.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Plan B&quot; might to get the cousin's &lt;em&gt;classmates&lt;/em&gt; to help. When he asks a question. others will stand up and say, &quot;I have the same doubt.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This problem doesn't seem to occur that often in U.S. schools, but students from other non-U.S. (e.g. Latin American) countries I've emt seem to have the same issues, including their questions being treated as &quot;doubts&quot; (or the Spanish equivalent).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-09-07T21:52:28.113" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T21:52:28.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3510" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T21:48:10.453" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;To the hundreds of people who have asked me where I'm coming from: I don't consider it rude. I take it as a sign of interest. Most people are proud of their heritage, at least those living in the UK, and don't mind being asked about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T21:48:10.453" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3453" CreationDate="2017-09-07T21:57:31.900" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Wow, it's so impressive that a woman knows how to code!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's brush off the über-sexist comment about how women can't code and focus on the core issue here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to have above average intelligence. Perhaps much above average. Good for you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I respond to praise for things that I see as trivial?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's all about perspective. You see these things as trivial because you are smart... but other people might view these trivial things as  problems, ranging in difficulty from mild to hard, perhaps even impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also not just about intelligence, experience also come into play. For example, the other day I went to see my doctor about something that, from my perspective, was really worrying. I mean, some kind of tiny tentacle was growing out of my skin. So he looks at it for a half second and says &quot;Yeah it's just a skin polyp, it's gonna fall off before next week.&quot; So I thanked him, but from his perspective, he's probably already seen hundreds of those and is just doing his job. The thing did fall off, and I'm back to my handsome self.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The modern world is very complicated. If you are familiar with something, like a piece of tech, a programming language, or maybe you play the violin like a boss, then someone else who can't will think you're some kind of space alien goddess and bow. Maybe they also can do things that would make you stand back in awe. Who knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, just accept praise as praise, even if it is said in really weird ways. No need to raise conflict when there is no need for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T21:57:31.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3512" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-07T22:09:29.487" Score="8" ViewCount="3437" Body="&lt;p&gt;In countries like China, Japan, South Korea (the three countries I'm most familiar with), it is quite common, though a few feminists here and there don't like it, that men mention a girl's appearance directly and compliment on it. Girls also like to get complimented, and girls who don't tend to lose her self-esteem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, Western countries (most notably Scandinavia if that is too broad, but also countries like Baltic, France, Germany, etc.) are definitely more rigorous on gender equality, and I feel girls don't like to get mentioned her appearance as it might make them feel a sense of being seen as an object or doll. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also heard that complimenting directly on their appearance is not appropriate but praising what they achieved on their own efforts, such as nails, hair styles, and fashion, is OK. Is this correct?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The compliment is quite direct on their appearance, such as &quot;You are so beautiful!&quot; or &quot;You are so sexy&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm mid-20s men and girls I usually talk with are in their 20's. They are mostly those I met on Tinder (on the first date, or during chat within the app), or sometimes I met in public (e.g. a girl approaches me while I'm using my laptop at cafe and starts to talk for a while), and definitely nowhere near to close friends (it is rather at the start of our encounter). They all have a bachelor or master degree (or going to get it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And sorry but I would like an answer in what you believe they feel, not what you feel. Also, please consider the content of the post, not my personality, if you want to downvote (already got 3); otherwise let me know how I can improve the content.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T10:00:27.820" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T20:50:41.867" Title="Is it rude to compliment Northern/Western European girls on their appearance?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-07-06T16:36:15.303" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3513" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3506" CreationDate="2017-09-07T22:15:54.713" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't smoke, but I've got friends who do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The usual question would be direct: &quot;Do you smoke?&quot; or something similar, and it is mostly an invitation to join in a quick smoky fun time, or just to borrow a lighter or cigarette.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The smell of rain &quot;Petrichor&quot; does occasionally smell like smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you wanna join somebody for a quick smoke session, I would consider it an unnecessary question to ask whether or not they smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most etiquettes of &quot;politeness&quot; can be flexible around your closest circle of friends, and to them, depending on how close you are, you can ask out of the blue, &quot;Do you like to smoke?&quot; or anything, really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T22:15:54.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T22:38:54.683" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Austin, where most people are immigrants, this is considered very OK, and as a Welshman, it is a conversation I have with just about every new person I meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know what the person is asking; I do not mind them having this information; and I am interested in knowing where they are from, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a variety of different questions wrapped in those four simple words &quot;where are you from?&quot;, so people usually ask it more specifically:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What's your heritage? (About half Welsh, the other half is a pot-pourri of Indian, Gypsy, Spanish, Dutch, Scottish, Irish, and more).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where were you born? (A town called St Clears, in Wales)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where are you brought up? (Various places around Wales, London, and Greece and places between)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where were you educated? (University of Bradford)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What nationality are you? (British, include Brexit grumbles here)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where were you living before the US? (London, UK)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where were you living before Austin? (Wisconsin, briefly)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What company do you work for? (programmer for a company called Magento)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What's your accent? (I think it's close to Received Pronunciation British, with a little Northern British thrown in)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What's your religion? (easygoing atheism - my parents followed the teachings of an Indian guru, my wife's Christian, but I'm not religious)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What's your allegiance in this current game we're playing? (Aldmeri Dominion).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What do you identify as? (Welsh, geek.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you need to unwrap what they mean by the question, but &quot;Name, Job, Heritage&quot; seems to be the North American (or at least, the Austinian) equivalent of the archetypical online &quot;a/s/l?&quot;. In both cases, these are background/context-setting questions. It is OK to find out someone's background and to set them into a context. It's part of the process of making friends. It could be offensive only to those who find their own identity or past to be offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just in my 8-person team at work, we have (or had) people who were born in the Ukraine, India, Germany, Wales, Mexico, and Texas. Avoiding talking about where you're from would be utterly impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be very polite to express interest in people's background, and it is to be encouraged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However - it's probably &lt;em&gt;im&lt;/em&gt;polite to reject the answer you're given, and say &quot;no, where are you from &lt;em&gt;originally&lt;/em&gt;?&quot; And sadly, there's no way to ask &quot;name, job, heritage?&quot; in a way that is guaranteed not to ruffle anyone's feathers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let that stop you, though. Keep making friends!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4288" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T22:38:54.683" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T22:58:09.293" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;My reading of the situation is that Eve was genuinely curious about Alice, perhaps because of her unusual name or physical appearance, and was trying to learn her ethnic background by asking questions that, at least in hindsight, came across as rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder if an alternate approach might have avoided the unwelcome implications of Eve's questions? For example, if it was Alice's unusual name that sparked Eve's curiosity, what if Eve had asked &quot;You have a very interesting name, one I'd not heard before. Can you tell me anything about it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was Alice's physical features that made Eve curious, in my view that's a more delicate area, and one I wouldn't recommend pursuing, but if Eve wanted to pursue it, and if it wouldn't come across as an unwanted sexual advance, perhaps Eve could have said something such as &quot;You have a very attractive face and such striking features! Would you mind if if I asked where your family heritage is from?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5257" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T22:58:09.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T22:58:19.880" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The concept of asking about someone's origin isn't rude... but the choice of words can be: it would be easy to make it sound like you assumed a lot of things about this person simply due to her looks. This is the rude part. But being curious about someone and wanting to get to know them better isn't rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;But where are you from originally?&quot; isn't the best choice, because it assumes she wasn't born there, without actually having any information about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, maybe this is not a question for the first day they met. Although it can be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, while in Taiwan our local friends brought us to a museum exhibit about the history of local natives. I noticed that one of the friends looked very much like the old black and white pictures. She looked kinda exotic compared to our other local friends. So I decided to bank on my tourist status as an excuse for dumb questions and put my foot in it and simply asked. After giggling and wondering how I had found out, this led to a quite fascinating conversation about the history of her country. In case you wonder, she was a mix of local native Taiwanese ethnicity, Chinese, plus a Japanese grandparent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Eve didn't seem to notice anything, and they went on. After hearing the question, I looked at Alice to see her reaction, and, although it was subtle, I do think that she wasn't glad about &quot;Where are you from originally?&quot;. Also, she seemed a bit more reserved afterwards. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is very interesting. Since I like to figure out my fellow human beings, I am often on the lookout for such clues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You sensed that Eve had offended Alice. As the one who introduced them to each other, you had an opportunity to act as some kind of moderator, perhaps say something to defuse the budding conflict, but somehow you chose not to. I wonder why. What stopped you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your short story tells a lot about how a simple misunderstanding will escalate when people don't communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice was offended, but she opted to hide it. My opinion is that in this case, it's her damn problem, case closed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You knew she was offended though, but stayed silent. Again, you could have talked and could have solved the problem, yet you did not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eve sounds like an enthusiastic person who likes to know and care about others. She sounds nice. Perhaps she talks a little bit too much before thinking, and she made a small slip...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I said, that I felt that question to have been rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the fact is too late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She disagreed, noting how I was being over-sensitive and how she loves foreign cultures. She just had wanted to get to know her better and was genuinely interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the possibilty that she's sincerely interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now, Alice was polite and said that she had enjoyed the evening and how Eve was a nice person. She didn't complain, but I doubt she would have, fearing it may hurt me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ah, come on. If you give off the vibe that telling you the truth would &quot;hurt&quot; you, then it's your problem. You felt there was a problem. You should have solved it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you felt Alice was offended, you should have stepped in. For example you could have laughed, or pinched your forehead, whatever. Bring the issue up, then explain what the issue is, then clear it up, make sure everyone says what they need to say so they don't leave with a grudge. Defuse any conflict. Make it humorous if you have to. Take sides, if you feel like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice is a US citizen, born and raised in the US. Her name is very uncommon, though. And her appearance doesn't match &quot;Average Jane's&quot; entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, I get it that you find it really embarrassing to say that Alice is brown? Or maybe asian? Or any other non-white ethnicity? Also you mention Eve enquiring about &quot;foreign cultures&quot;. You're realy doing your best not to tell, but I can tell Alice definitely looks foreign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why are you embarrassed about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T17:50:58.290" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T17:50:58.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3519" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-07T23:50:07.807" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Physical characteristics like ethnicity are the most immediately noticeable part of a person, and it's natural to be curious, but I do find this conversation topic to be annoying and uninteresting, and I'm sure many consider it outright rude if you ignore the fact that they steered their initial answer away from it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A general rule is don't force a conversation topic on an unwilling participant.&lt;/strong&gt; You don't talk sports to people who don't watch sports, and you don't talk about Exotica with Exoticans who are obviously trying to avoid the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm asked &quot;where are you from&quot; and I answer &quot;Domesticburg&quot;, it often means I'm happy to talk about my experience in Domesticburg. It also suggests I don't care to talk about my non-Ameristanian genetic history. A person is more than the color of their skin, and perhaps I'd enjoy a conversation that doesn't repeat the exact same conversation I've had with hundreds of strangers in awkward forced social settings in the past &quot;Yes, my family is from Exotica. Yes, I speak Exotican but I'm rusty. No, I don't really have recommendations on where to visit. No, it wasn't a huge cultural shock moving to a new country. Yes, some uncles back in the old country.&quot; Yawn. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you follow up &quot;my whole family is in Ameristania&quot; with &quot;but where are you originally from&quot;, I take it your subtlety meter isn't calibrated the same as mine. It gives me the impression that only purple-colored people can claim to be from Ameristania without being challenged on it by you. This is doubly true if you lead off the conversation this way, so we've had no meaningful interaction other than your questioning my background.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I disagree with some of the others answers advocating &quot;asking in a nicer way&quot;. Switching to an indirect version of the exact question &quot;wow, you have [some complimentary feature that happens to indicate your Exotishness]&quot; doesn't help at all. I'm not offended by your asking about my background, I'm just disappointed in your inability to see that I don't want to talk about it. Trying to extract it with weasel words just causes an internal eye-roll.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4689" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T23:50:07.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3512" CreationDate="2017-09-07T23:52:06.077" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The issue is that this is not so much a cultural issue as it is an personal issue. An individual may like being complemented on their looks, or they may not for the reasons mentioned. It all depends on the individual. If you have no way to know if a compliment on their looks would be received well, it is probably best not to compliment their looks. You may use a much more subtle compliment to feel this out, such as complimenting their hair, as this will generally be fairly non-offensive if it is not appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5064" LastActivityDate="2017-09-07T23:52:06.077" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3385" CreationDate="2017-09-07T23:54:24.020" Score="104" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hesitate to suggest shunning her like the other answers suggest. It seems like it might work, but it also seems like it could be traumatic for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;A little about autism&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's worth knowing a little about how she may see the problem. This is based on my own experience with autism, which probably isn't exactly the same as hers but might give some insight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To expand on a few comments I've read:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, this is childish behavior. No, it isn't unusual. Autism is a development disorder that slows mental and emotional development. While Alice may appear to be an adult on the surface, she's still a child on the inside[2], and her behavior makes a lot more sense when you understand that her physical and emotional age are different. Alice is currently inflicting the classic &amp;quot;You're a big meanie so I'm never going to talk to you ever again&amp;quot; punishment on you. The only difference is now her memory is long enough that a nap won't fix the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who's autistic myself, I can easily see how I'd behave the same way if I were a little further along the spectrum. I think the autism aspect is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's unfair to expect her to &amp;quot;know better&amp;quot; like everyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It assumes she's aware she's autistic, which isn't necessarily true. I explained my situation to someone recently and he told me his son is very similar and now he wonders if the son is autistic too. His son is 40 years old. Diagnosis happens late all the time -- especially with females since, as @bigbadmouse points out, they mask their autism better. The OP knows Alice is autistic, but didn't explain whether Alice said that herself or if she just put two and two together and figured it out without Alice's involvement. (Update: Comments say she's aware of her autism, so this won't apply to her, but may to others.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It assumes she &lt;em&gt;accepts&lt;/em&gt; she's autistic. I spent years in denial myself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It assumes she accepts it's a &lt;em&gt;problem&lt;/em&gt;. When I hit acceptance, I just shrugged it off and ignored it because I thought it was no big deal.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It assumes she knows there's help. When I was diagnosed, everyone was so busy fighting that they never bothered doing anything about it. I had no idea help even existed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It assumes she &lt;em&gt;accepted&lt;/em&gt; that help. There's a good chance I would have rejected any attempts at helping me because I had a hard time trusting anyone and thought I could do it myself. I still do to an extent.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It assumes the help she got was actually effective. Often, it isn't. I spent two years in therapy making no improvements at all before giving up in frustration.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of shaky assumptions behind that assertion, and some potential landmines for taking it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being autistic, one of my biggest problems is loneliness. I attend school for several hours a day and church activities twice a week. I even talk to people while I'm there. I still don't have anyone I consider a friend. [1]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What concerns me is that she may be in the same situation: Even though she goes to social events and talks to your friends, she may still feel left out frequently. It wouldn't be too surprising if your social circle (and maybe some of her catering coworkers) were all the friends she has.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would you do if your entire social circle suddenly ganged up and started ignoring you? What if you had no idea how you got that social circle in the first place? How would you cope if you couldn't replace them? How would you react &amp;quot;knowing&amp;quot; all your friends hate you now and it's all one person's fault?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in her shoes explaining why I was upset, I might tell you something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I spent a lot of my early life lonely and left out. One day I finally overcame all the anxiety and difficulty and got a job. To my delight, some of my coworkers liked me and made friends. They even invited me to social gatherings! I was in heaven.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone is especially nice to the host. I wanted them to be nice to me too so I could feel liked and important. I watched the hosts carefully for several parties and, when I was feeling especially brave, I announced I was going to host one too. I was very careful to do everything exactly like the other hosts and everything was great! I was so happy!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first party went so well I hosted another one. I carefully did the exact same thing again to make sure it all went well, and it did. I was doing so well I did it three more times. It was amazing being the center of attention for a change instead of getting ignored all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything was going well, so I did it again. I'd been catering events recently and everyone really liked them, so I got the same caterer for my party because they make people like the party. But &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; time Tinkeringbell said she couldn't come. That wasn't supposed to happen. I double and triple checked everything and made absolutely sure it was all exactly the same as last time (except the improvements), but it didn't work. I was so discouraged I couldn't do anything right and the whole party was a complete failure. Everything went wrong. Nothing was predictable any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't get my party and it completely ruined my routine. I was confused, stressed, depressed, and frustrated. I missed my social time, which was really important to me. I slept so much the next week to recover that I missed saying hi to the cute boy at work for two whole days in a row and now I'm scared to talk to him again because he probably forgot who I am by now. Tinkeringbell is the worst person ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'd be hard pressed getting that out of me though. So here are some things to keep in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Implicit is bad; explicit is good. If you ever write a book, having a character say &amp;quot;I'm angry!&amp;quot; is terrible writing. Unless they're talking to an autistic person. It's a lot easier to process your emotional state if it's made explicit instead of assuming I can pick it out implicitly. I'm bad at subtlety. Especially nonverbal communication.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rules are good. I want to know the rules to follow to succeed. I don't care if you think they're insanely complex and situation specific. I want detailed instructions. It's either that or hours of grueling practice with people I'm scared of in situations I'm uncomfortable with. The good news is I can juggle a lot more detail than most (I'm not sure if that's typical of autism) (update: apparently it's very common).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Communicating is hard. While you're enjoying a relaxing conversation about the latest news, I'm frantically scrambling to keep up with the flood of information you're dumping on me. It would make a huge difference in my life if people actively encouraged me to take it substantially slower than the norm and made sure I knew they liked it when I did.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Predictability is king. Did you pick that out in the quote above? Many autistic people follow repetitive routines to the point of obsession. Personally, I have to plan small breaks to my daily routine a minimum of several hours in advance and remind myself multiple times or else I'll just go ahead and do what I always do. I might just do what I always do anyway. It's safer that way. Even when I take a risk and do something a little different, sometimes it's so traumatic I never do it again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Why direct confrontation is bad&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you pointed out, your system for handling conflict is to confront someone and directly ask what's wrong. When people do that to me, it creates an instant conflict. I see other people handle that by responding immediately, and I want to be like other people, so I want to respond immediately too. But my mind is still several seconds to several minutes behind on processing the flood of nonverbal information I just got hit with. My reaction is usually to panic, spit out whatever poorly thought out response pops into my head first, and hope you'll go talk to someone else so I can recover. [3]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Minutes to hours later, I'll finally develop a well thought out response to your request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Real-time conversations are hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What to do&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, it sounds like you already know why she's upset: You didn't go to her party. Skipping the party may have seemed a perfectly ordinary and reasonable thing to do (everyone does it every now and then, right?), but Alice wasn't prepared to handle it and got hurt as a result. Whether what you did was &amp;quot;justified&amp;quot; from your point of view or not, the appropriate response is still the same: Acknowledge you hurt her, reassure her that you feel bad, try to make it up to her, and take measures to prevent this from happening again in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since skipping a party hurt her, maybe you can help her feel better by going to one. And being mindful of her situation may give you more success. A less stressful approach would be to give her a letter instead. There's no overwhelming nonverbal information to deal with, and nobody expects letters to be responded to immediately, so she can take her time thinking it through. Something like the following would be good:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry I hurt you. I feel very bad and want to make it up to you. If you tell me at least two weeks before your next party so I can save enough money and clear my schedule for you, I promise I'll come this time. --Tinkeringbell&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short, explicit, and to the point. It gives simple, predictable rules too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take a little time to make it look nice. Write it on good stationary in a pretty envelope. I'd probably go with plain red or blue, with a flap that stays closed but isn't sealed. Then approach her at the next gathering where she's present (preferably near the end after she's had time to get her socializing in), give her the letter, ask her to read it when she isn't busy, and leave her be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give her plenty of time to absorb and think about it and she'll be a lot more likely to give you a well thought out response. Don't pressure her for a response though -- let her give it to you on her own time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;A backup plan&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the letter doesn't work out (and maybe even if it does), you might consider employing your friends' aid in coaxing her away from your social circle. She likes parties for the attention and appreciation, so if you can give her a better alternative, she may pursue that instead (or at least split her efforts and attend fewer parties).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was young, I volunteered in my school's library. Every other day, at the exact same time, I'd go in and line up all the books with the edge of the shelf, then put all the books on the sorting cart away. There were no scary surprises, the rules were well understood, and following them reliably got me appreciation from the librarian. Working in the library is still one of my best memories of school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some places (like libraries) rely heavily on volunteers to help with their routine maintenance. Many of them &amp;quot;pay&amp;quot; their volunteers with heaps of praise and appreciation. If you or your friends can (and are willing to expend the effort to) get her involved with one (or better, several) of them, she'll likely feel at home in an environment with easy rules that reliably get her the attention she wants. It'll probably appeal to her more than the parties and distract her from stalking you all the time. Inviting her to join you on visits to them a few times and then assuring her she can go on her own too would likely work well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having multiple active social circles would also be a big improvement to her emotional health. It'll be easier to keep going and seek out replacements for unhealthy circles if she can turn to several others for support in the meantime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Next time&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time (if she gives you another chance), you can try to be sensitive to the fact that there's a reason for her parties: they're a bid for attention; an attempt to fit in with and be liked by people she desperately needs but who frequently hurt and confuse her. That doesn't mean you always have to go, but at least reassure her that you're happy she invited you and appreciate her caring for you. Make sure she gets &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; success, even if it doesn't go exactly according to plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it may be worth introducing her to some other easy ways to get attention that are less likely to be rejected. Bringing baked goods to social gatherings, for example. The investment needed to take a cookie and say thanks is low, so she'll be likely to succeed often. Teaching her a variety of strategies and encouraging her to pick a different one each time will help keep her from getting too repetitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Shunning?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@JarkoDubbeldam really described the danger of shunning nicely in one of the comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my own experience, negative experiences stick around for way longer than positives and can easily overwhelm them. I personally find it really hard to forgive. The negative experience would create a reaction, and in future references to that negative experience (in this example you might be that reference) it is very easy to default to that same reaction, to that same feeling. Even if at some point the default is not at all appropriate anymore. The default &amp;quot;rule&amp;quot; is just so baked in that it becomes hard to step away from it. Even to admit that it might not be appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do note that I am not condoning the behaviour, but rather give a point of view as to why someone might act that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-- Jarko Dubbeldam&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a combination of the Recency Effect and a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. People's most recent experience with something has a disproportionate weight in their overall impression[4], so when the most recent experience is bad, it taints the whole impression. Then they &lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt; the next encounter to be bad, causing them to be paranoid about every little problem, resulting in it actually becoming bad simply because they expected it to. Bad last impressions kill a lot of relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being often confused and overwhelmed by the world have given me a lot of insecurity, which makes the risk of a bad last impression a common experience for me. When the rules as I perceive them suddenly change out from under me (a regular occurrence), the negative experience has a strong tendency to make me just avoid the situation rather than trying again. It's better to stick to what's predictable and safe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that ideally, she should be alerted to the change as early as possible and given the new &amp;quot;rule&amp;quot; so she can adjust to it. Easing into the adjustment doesn't always work, but it helps. For the first time,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice, I get upset when you interrupt my conversation with Tinkeringbell. I've been patient a long time because I like you and I thought you'd forgive her and be friends again, but you've been like this a long time and I'm starting to get frustrated. If you don't want to share a conversation, please wait until I'm done and I'll be happy to talk to you next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use that once per friend, then skip it afterward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note the explanation for why Alice was allowed to break the rule in the past (the speaker likes her and hoped she'd forgive) and why that's changing now (she hasn't forgiven for a long time and the speaker is frustrated). Framing it as an extension of the rules she already knows instead of revoking them shows her they haven't changed, and will maybe give her some hope they can still be understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making it clear the speaker still likes her and wants to talk to her too is also important. It helps her know she hasn't completely ruined things yet and there's still hope for recovery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice, if you don't want to share the conversation, please wait until I'm done and I'll be happy to talk to you next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice, you're starting to frustrate me. If you keep interrupting, I'm going to stop paying attention to you until I'm done. I'll give you a turn after I'm done talking to Tinkeringbell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then ignore any more attempts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might guess that this applies to every friend after hearing it from the first one, but I'd give her the benefit of a doubt and give her the first warning from each friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The risk here is that she'll be discouraged by the rejection, leave the party and avoid the rejecting friend (or the whole group) after this. It will likely help her a lot if someone else she's still friends with intercepts her quickly and invites her to talk with them instead, since it would reassure her someone still likes her. It would also help a lot if the rejecting friend specifically seeks Alice out after talking to you and asks her what she wanted to say, so she knows the rejection was temporary and the rejecting friend still wants to have her company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might give terse answers due to persisting ill feelings, but just keep probing and showing interest until she opens up or gives a clear rejection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Positive reinforcement of good behavior would be a good idea too. It's always encouraging to hear you did the right thing, even if it was hard or you didn't know whether it would be good. During the approach, say sorry for making her wait and thank her for being patient when you go find her again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Parents?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't go to her parents behind her back as some have suggested. You have no idea what her relationship with them is. Personally, I like my family a lot, but I'm extremely insecure about discussing my autism with them. If you brought it up with my parents, I'd be extremely embarrassed and pretty mad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can pull it off, a better idea would be to organize a very small party with you, her, and a few close friends. Make it a &amp;quot;Parent Party&amp;quot;. Tell everyone to bring a parent or two (she might not have two). Provide plenty of details about places, times, and what you're planning on doing (something good for socializing around, of course). Make sure everyone seems to be looking forward to the special party and inviting their parents. If she's comfortable mixing her parents and friends, she'll probably imitate everyone else and bring a parent (or two) too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're lucky, her parents will have seen her behavior toward you a few times already, pick it out right away and help you resolve it even before being asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Prevention&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Dzyann pointed out that even once you get back on Alice's good side, this will probably happen again the next time you have to skip one of her parties. That puts you under a lot of pressure and sets her up for failure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setting some ground rules would likely help. In the letter above, for example, I asked for two weeks notice to have plenty of time to rearrange schedules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since Alice went through a period of time where she couldn't afford to attend parties, she's likely to understand when you explain that now you're going through a period where you don't have a lot of money, and can't afford to attend parties either. It's possible she might decide to solve the problem by offering to pay your part the way you helped pay hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another good approach would be to invite her to help in planning your parties and those of your friends. Chances are she thinks the rest of you are at least somewhat &amp;quot;better&amp;quot; at this than her, so offering to let her watch how you do it may appeal to her. If she &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; think you're better, she might find it appealing anyway since she seems to enjoy parties. She'll be a lot less likely to completely ignore you if it means losing out on chances for fun activities together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People also tend to hide their mistakes, so it's easy for autistics to get the impression that everyone else is perfect and never fails at anything. By letting her see you try, fail, express frustration and recover while hosting your parties or doing other activities, she'll get the more realistic view that setbacks are normal. She'll also get to see recovery systems in action and maybe start employing those in her own parties for higher success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[1] I consider everyone I know to be acquaintances since we mainly discuss school work and never go out to do anything together. I've never had anyone I consider a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[2] Autism is one of those things that gets better with time. Eventually the &amp;quot;normal&amp;quot; people fully mature and essentially stop developing mentally and emotionally, giving the autistic ones a chance to catch up. It's easy to tell when a ten-year-old is acting five, but a lot harder to recognize a forty-year-old acting twenty. It might take a while depending on the severity of their autism, but they do improve a lot over their lives. Someone suggested to me that a good rule of thumb is that autistics' emotional age tends to be about 2/3 of their physical age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[3] I once told someone I was wearing a black shirt today because I couldn't find anything but hunting shirts, with the implication that I checked every store in the whole city. I did check every store in the city (and 500 pages of Amazon search results), but I found a lot more than hunting shirts. I'm honestly surprised he took that the way he did -- maybe he wasn't paying attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[4] People are also heavily biased toward the first impression (the primacy effect). Overall impressions are generally made up of a first impression, a last impression, and everything else. Since &amp;quot;everything else&amp;quot; is a much larger category, individual experiences in it tend to have a disproportionately low weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3708" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T21:19:09.563" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3522" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3095" CreationDate="2017-09-08T00:02:22.897" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I needed very good marks to apply to university, so i asked my Calculus, Algebra, and Physics teachers, at the end of the first class:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How do I get an 80 in your class.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All three teachers had very lofty ideas of themselves, but responded immediately to my having come to them directly to ask their opinion about how I could succeed in their class. (fyi two 96s and a 94)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next semester I had enrolled in Chemistry to enable applying to programs that were less mathematical, more anatomical. I waited until the end of the first class, and went up to talk to the teacher after the other students had asked their one-on-one questions, and asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How do I get an 80 in your class.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His answer was immediate, and silently devastating to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't give out 80s&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I went to the office and told them everything I've said in this answer, and they all looked suddenly sad. They said they knew what he was like as a teacher, that there were no alternate sections for Chemistry that semester, and worst of all that he was retiring at the end of the semester.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They said that they would talk to him about how university admissions requirements had gotten more strict over the past 50 years he had been teaching, but they told me they already knew he wouldn't listen. You can't threaten a man with dismissal who has already announced his retirement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I politely thanked them for their time and left. I applied for programs that didn't need Chemistry, and left my average untarnished by his class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the rules are probably very different in India, maybe the question could be asked jointly by the student and a parent, during the teacher's office hours rather than during class time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it was very heartening that the office staff had already been made aware of the problem teacher, and would have taken actions they believed to be futile if I had asked them to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is about asking the teacher after the student realises they need help, and my story is about having preemptively asked all my teachers for help in advance, in speculation of any problems I might encounter during the semester. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How would you say I should best take steps to master the material you will be presenting&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5235" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T00:02:22.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3523" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3506" CreationDate="2017-09-08T00:22:07.007" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no polite way to ask someone if they smell because of the rain or because they smoke. Either way, you're saying they smell weird, and that will always be offensive. If that's your only reason to ask, then don't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to know for some other reason (like to borrow a lighter or have them join you on a smoke break), then ask them what you really want to know. There are non-smokers that carry lighters, and some people will keep you company even if they don't smoke. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T00:22:07.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3087" CreationDate="2017-09-08T00:39:28.207" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hey mom I just found out &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.ecosanres.org/pdf_files/UDDT_UrineFactSheet.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;urine is bad for you&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;SAFE HANDLING OF URINE AND ITS APPLICATION IN THE GARDEN&#xA;Untreated urine is dangerous to human life and should be handled with care.&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While what she is doing might not have lethal effects (I avoided researching too thoroughly to avoid knowing exactly, wink wink), here is a list of interesting facts:&lt;br&gt;&#xA; 1. Urine smells like ammonia&lt;br&gt;&#xA; 2. breathing ammonia is &lt;a href=&quot;https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/002759.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;bad for you&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA; 3. the longer urine sits the higher its actual ammonia content&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mentioned that I stopped doing research before I found out exactly how long it takes for stored urine to become dangerously toxic, and you might save that research until after you talk to mom just to keep things on-topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More Fun Words:&#xA;Tracheal burns, nasopharyngeal, alveolar edema, bronchiolar edema and airway damage–leading to respiratory distress or malfunction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without going into too much detail with mom, just let her know that you found out that urine can have serious affects on your health and hers, and could she please stop doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5235" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T00:39:28.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3512" CreationDate="2017-09-08T00:51:27.577" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Appearance&quot; can mean many things. It can refer to &quot;looks,&quot; style, dress, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an Asian-American, one thing that I have observed is that Asians are more accepting about compliments regarding their &quot;inborn&quot; characteristics than westerners. That is, many Asian (not all) girls will be pleased with comments about their &quot;natural&quot; gifts in terms of looks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Western cultures are more &quot;egalitarian&quot; in terms of downplaying &quot;inborn&quot; traits. People would rather be praised for their accomplishments instead. So it is better to compliment them on their style or dress, or &quot;choices&quot; they have made, rather than &quot;natural&quot; gifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T00:51:27.577" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3475" CreationDate="2017-09-08T01:43:21.307" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from Indonesia and this is also common in our culture. Here people marry in their early 20, and after 25 they will start asking you &amp;quot;When you will get married&amp;quot; in &lt;strong&gt;various version&lt;/strong&gt;, whether you are already have girlfriend/boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dreaded moment is &lt;strong&gt;after&lt;/strong&gt; a wedding of someone you know, especially if you met your friends, relatives, or acquaintances. People will start asking &lt;strong&gt;when you will be the next.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, let me remind you that some of these are just a &amp;quot;small talk&amp;quot;. They might just trying to start a conversation and the most obvious (to them) topic is your single-ness. Usually, if this is the case, &lt;strong&gt;they will back off&lt;/strong&gt; after you laugh it off and not saying anything (making &lt;em&gt;awkward silence&lt;/em&gt;, since they know it's not funny, or you don't appreciate the question), then proceed to change the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually reply generally with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't found the right person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've got no time to think about that now. I'm currently focusing on my career [&lt;em&gt;or insert reason here&lt;/em&gt;].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is to &lt;strong&gt;be honest&lt;/strong&gt; so you can answer the follow up question politely without being too rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are against another unmarried friend, deflect the question back to them. You can be slightly rude if they are very pushy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you? Why aren't you married yet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep asking question&lt;/strong&gt; until they excuse themselves or change the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are against married friend or relative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not currently ready for marriage. I'm hoping to get stable financially before start looking for candidate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you deflect the question, &lt;strong&gt;quickly change the topic.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are against acquaintances, just reply and laugh it off, &lt;strong&gt;then excuse yourself.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people start suggesting names (that you don't know them), say thank you. If they are giving their numbers, accept it and say &amp;quot;I will call them next time&amp;quot;. You don't have to call them anytime soon (until the next solar eclipse, maybe). &lt;strong&gt;This is just a polite gesture.&lt;/strong&gt; Even if you are annoyed, respond politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt; This is just a &amp;quot;common topic&amp;quot; and you don't need to overreact even if you are annoyed. Be polite when they are polite. &lt;strong&gt;When they become pushy, excuse yourself, or change the topic.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T01:43:21.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-08T01:45:17.970" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the thing about things like this: I am white. I look white, I have generally white features. I have &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt;, after saying where I'm from, been grilled and cross-examined until I eventually cough up that my ancestor came over from Moravia way back whenever. It's never happened. If you're white, it's probably never happened to you, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that some people feel compelled to do this when they meet someone who looks nonwhite, but not when they meet someone who looks white, should be kind of a red flag that it might come across as racially insensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My two cents, anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5262" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T01:45:17.970" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3531" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3428" CreationDate="2017-09-08T04:16:32.933" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You aren't using his full name, you are using a kawaii name based on a pun on an English word inspired by his name. There is no need to ask him -- rather, it is better not to tell him it was named after him unless he jokes a lot and doesn't take himself seriously. If he is a serious type, and if you used his actual name, and not 'kiti', then it would be fine to ask him, I think, but rather than saying his name is like a cat, say that you really like his name/you respect him, or a reason that doesn't make him feel like he is being made fun of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T04:16:32.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-08T07:26:46.550" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Eve is rude, and asking the question again, implies: &#xA;1. she did not believe Alice&#xA;2. She does not believe Alice is a local, with complete disregard for her being a US citizen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yes, it comes across as ignorance, which is what a lot of racism is based upon.  You should have stepped in a explained to Eve how ignorant she really is and gave her education on the diversity of you country. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eve harking about how her interests in foreign cultures, when someone with different ethnicity is in front of her just resonant ignorance AGAIN. &#xA;Missed opportunity to understand each other. Eve needs a lesson in culture intelligence and her behaviour exhibits subtle racism. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put yourself in Alice shoes and see from her perspective  that she had to put up with an ignorant person for an evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that happened to one of my friends I would have asked the same question to Eve,  but where are you really from, again and again and again.   See how she feels, and see if she becomes reserved, then maybe she is a bit too sensitive? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask Eve to look up Jane Elliott Blue eyes, brown eye experiment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5276" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T07:26:46.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3534" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3543" CreationDate="2017-09-08T07:46:06.847" Score="14" ViewCount="5116" Body="&lt;p&gt;My parents have a long history of forgetting things pretty quickly and forgiving people. It's a very good-in fact great—habit, but I at times disagree with them as &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.islamway.net/article/46275/a-believer-should-not-be-stung-twice-from-the-same-hole&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;A Believer should not get stung from same hole twice&quot;&lt;/a&gt; and have often found them on receiving end of forgiving people who didn't deserve this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, some acquaintance insulted them merely couple of months ago - I got furious, though my parents calmed me on the promise that &quot;We will never go to their home nor they will enter our home&quot; but couple of days ago, they called my parents and apologized and they (my parents) forgot everything and hosted them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I am pretty annoyed &lt;strong&gt;at my parents (only parents)&lt;/strong&gt; for simply forgiving (more of forgetting part is painful) such a big thing as if nothing has happened. So can I be angry at them to make them realize their mistake?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorUserId="23919" LastEditDate="2019-08-11T07:11:00.537" LastActivityDate="2019-08-11T07:11:00.537" Title="Parents forgiven someone who insulted them - can I be angry at them?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2019-08-11T16:35:08.703" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3535" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-08T08:06:07.323" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;AS a mixed black/white N. American I find these lines of questioning difficult. It is as if I am expected to explain why I look foreign to the questioner. If I were foreign perhaps I would feel differently. Either way, I am not responsible for their misguided assumptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately I am unable to satisfy the questioner's curiosity. As their expectations remain unmet, the questioning will usually continue into where my parents are from originally. This illustrates the underhanded, if not cowardly nature of this line of questioning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be better to be more direct, but few have the boldness and tact to do this properly. Of course the question remains as to why it is so important for the questioner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not always rude when handled correctly, but often times I am left feeling as if I am foreign in my own country. If I skip the run around by explaining my background the questioner will often become uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worst is when the questioner expresses skepticism at my explanation or attempts to argue the point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps Alice was not offended by the question, but she feared that the discussion would take a turn for the absurd as it has in the past. This is might explain why she withdrew from the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the questioner is truly interested, then they would be better off engaging the individual in a less superficial way. This kind of information will come out naturally as a friendship progresses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5278" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T08:06:07.323" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3536" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3534" CreationDate="2017-09-08T08:27:58.103" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes. You can be angry at your parents, but it won't help you or your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is better to ask them why they accepted the apology. From this point you can discuss it and attempt to understand their reasoning. Your parents, by definition have more experience in this world than yourself. If all goes well you might learn something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5278" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T08:27:58.103" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3534" CreationDate="2017-09-08T08:46:56.880" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your question, it seems that your parents are ready to forgive and forget easily because maybe they believe others might change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Different people have different way of handling things. You might disapprove of their actions, but for them they should handle things in a certain way. Until they themselves feel that their way is bad, they will not change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're angry at them for not understanding that certain people are unworthy of their kindness. You are trying to be protective. That is okay, it is fine. But you can't just ask them to change their ways because you feel its wrong. They should be able to see that it is wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They see some other value in forgiving people. Ask them what is that. If you can convince them otherwise, then they will change or your view point might end up changing also. But being angry will not help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5279" LastEditorUserId="142" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T10:27:48.273" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T10:27:48.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3539" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-08T09:34:59.253" Score="8" ViewCount="1137" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here in Israel, most people don't realize that what they are saying is offensive to English speakers. People will regularly drop F-bombs and other such words. It's in music played publicly. (The twelve-year-old girls were dancing to music with a lot of foul language for a while.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a native English speaker. (Brits may disagree with that though :D) I've tried to get the point across to some people - I've said &lt;em&gt;that word is about the worst word you can say in English. Please don't use it.&lt;/em&gt; but it doesn't seem to have gotten the point across because they're still using them around me. This is not specific to my age group - I know that teenagers will swear - but even some adults. They don't seem to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get the point across and ask them to not be so foul mouthed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T13:25:20.187" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:25:20.187" Title="How can I get the point across that what people are saying are swear words in English and is therefore offensive to me?" Tags="&lt;language&gt;&lt;israel&gt;&lt;profanity&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3540" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3512" CreationDate="2017-09-08T09:54:04.860" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3512/is-it-rude-to-compliment-northern-western-european-girls-on-her-appearance#comment12040_3512&quot;&gt;comment&lt;/a&gt;, the OP said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For example: &quot;You are so beautiful&quot; or &quot;So sexy&quot; or like that. &quot;Know&quot; depends on the definition but it is like &quot;got matched on Tinder and on first meeting&quot;, or during the conversation in Tinder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying a girl is &quot;so sexy&quot; on a first date is creepy, but that's me, and I stopped dating in my mid-forties. And as Dylan once sang: &lt;em&gt;The Times They Are A-Changin'&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO it's perfectly acceptable to be more explicit, e.g. &quot;you have great legs&quot; once you have been dating each other several times, if not weeks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, complimenting a woman on her &lt;strong&gt;eyes&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;smile&lt;/strong&gt; is always nice to hear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love the way you smile. I was sad before but now I feel better &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't go wrong there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDITED&lt;/strong&gt; (Sept 11 2017)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you meet a girl that you like in a public library, café, market square or school cafeteria, the one thing you do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; tell her is:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“You're beautiful. Can I ask you out on a date?” &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, granted you have never moved in so quickly (well, I hope not!) but even complimenting on her smile or the colour of her eyes is inappropriate the first time you meet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The art of flirting is something you learn with practice and patience. You must take things slowly, and remember this one unspoken rule: it is the woman who chooses her &quot;mate&quot;, never the man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look (don't stare) at the girl and if she catches your glance, smile back at her.  Does she ignore you? Stop wasting your time, you're probably not her type. Does she smile back? Promising. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait a couple of minutes and find an excuse to get nearer. For example, buy something to read or drink and sit at the table opposite or next to hers. Then ignore her judiciously. Eat, drink, read the menu while you are waiting for the server, read your mobile texts, do anything but not look at her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she hasn't moved onto a different table or finished doing whatever she was doing and left the room, your chances of talking to her have marginally increased... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing would be to get her know her, as a person, and find out if you actually have something in common. In other words, treat women as a normal people, not as potential preys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T12:20:20.223" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T12:20:20.223" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3541" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3539" CreationDate="2017-09-08T09:59:58.827" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two kinds of swearing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Swearing used as part of directed abuse towards someone (i.e. someone swearing at you)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Swear-words used in every-day language and not directed at anyone in particular as a form of abuse&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This context appears to be the second.  I'm not sure you can do much about it because this language is already part of these kids culture and environment.  While you could privately tell some of the kids what the meaning behind the words are, it's unlikely that this will change their behaviour around you.  Of course, whether they take notice really depends on the strength of their bond with each other and with you (who do they respect and follow the most).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try too hard to break them out of the swearing habit, you may end up alienating them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'd try introducing them to different songs, or try to lead the conversation down other routes that don't invite swear-words as part of the vocabulary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a difficult one as young people do try to act like adults, so go through a phase of swearing like dockyard workers for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good thing is that they're not swearing at you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T13:23:59.517" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:23:59.517" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3534" CreationDate="2017-09-08T10:06:29.573" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every person has a certain nature and one cannot always understand/accept their ways and means of living their lives. Your parents prefer to let bygones be bygones and move on with their lives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you find this approach isn't right, specifically in the above case. So, go talk to your parents about what did you find wrong about it and how do you think it should be handled. Explain your point and ask them why they chose to forgive that person. Try to understand their perspective. Sometimes, the picture is bigger than we perceive it to be. Just saying.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any which way, you will get your answer as to why they did it and you can always set boundaries so as to handle such situations better in the future. As in set a threshold up to which you will be ready to forgive the person but beyond which you will choose to walk away. Come to an agreement with your parents on this threshold and then ensure that they stick to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="142" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T10:06:29.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3543" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3534" CreationDate="2017-09-08T10:14:50.260" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have every right to be angry right now, but make sure you don't stick with it for too long. Someone insulted your parents, and your parents let him/her get away with it. This puts them at risk of being insulted again by the same person, because the acquaintance now must think he can get away with it. At least, that's how it might feel to you. I myself at least always feel that way when something like that happens to my parents, and they afterwards say it is no big deal/ it's forgiven. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've read the Hadith you linked to your question. I do not hold the islamic faith myself, but here is what I read:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The poet did something wrong. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The Prophet forgave the poet, warned him not to do so again, and set him free. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Upon being set free, the poet immediately returned to his wrongdoings again: fighting and censuring the Prophet. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, an important thing to ask, before resulting to this Hadith, is to ask yourself: Has the acquaintance insulted your parents before? If not, this might very well be the reason why your parents forgave him/her in the first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest having a good talk with your parents about this. Just explain your anger in terms of worry:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom/Dad, I noticed you forgave our acquaintance his bad behavior. I am worried this puts you in a vulnerable position where this acquaintance will soon be back to insult you even more. May I ask why you forgave him? And how should I feel about it in relation to &amp;lt; the Hadith you mentioned &gt;? What can you teach me about forgiveness? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, such a conversation will put your mind at ease, and confirm that your parents are capable of setting healthy boundaries on their own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming from a culture where forgiving is a big deal, I often noticed my parents forgiving people things that I thought would come back to haunt them later. I later learned that this forgiveness was not given unconditionally: They made sure that the other person knew they did something wrong, before forgiving them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents not contacting the acquaintance for a few months was probably enough for him/her to realize that some wrong was done. That's why the acquaintance came to apologize. I'd trust your parents on this, that the apology contained enough remorse and knowledge of what was done wrong to warrant their forgiveness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T10:29:37.627" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T10:29:37.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3539" CreationDate="2017-09-08T10:51:02.313" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You really can't change an entire community that simply is not possible.&#xA;Especially if swearing is acceptable to some degree in the community then you are really out of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your problem is getting people &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you interact&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; with to understand, then I might have a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that you are telling them it is the worse swear word in English but they can't really connect how bad and that might actually be the problem. I usually learn a local swear word(absolute worse) and tell them it is similar to that word. So when they can actually relate how bad it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a fool proof solution but it will at least realize how you feel when hearing the word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S I apologize if my grammar and spelling are bad. I am not a native speaker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5279" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T13:24:36.007" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:24:36.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3512" CreationDate="2017-09-08T10:56:57.573" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Part of the problem is the amount of sexual harassment girls and women receive from strangers. To give you an idea, on my way to school and back I started to avoid the shortest path because there where some building workers yelling gross stuff at me, like I have a nice arse. I was about 11/12, and looking 2 years younger. I didn't even start puberty. Some people believe this is an exception, but street harassment is scaringly common. Here is more information about that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.thedailybeast.com/hey-creeps-compliments-are-harassment-too&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;creeps compliments are harassment too&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/resources/statistics/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;stop street harassment&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which consequences has this? When someone compliments me on how my look, I smell danger. If I'm lucky, it was a well meant compliment, but this is rare. But maybe that person wants to know if he can marry me, or wants to collect my phone number, and if I refuse he gets aggressive, which has happened before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While well meant and well done compliments shouldn't be rude, in western societies they can be problematic for both girls and women. It's better if you keep your thoughts for yourself, but if you really have to, please make sure to not to act like a creep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you want to compliment someone on the street anyways, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3029/3112&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; is a very good answer about do's and dont's. If you want more information, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/resources/male-allies/how-to-talk-to-women/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; you have a larger article that I hope are helpful to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastEditorUserId="3112" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T18:39:44.517" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T18:39:44.517" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3547" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3551" CreationDate="2017-09-08T11:09:26.350" Score="38" ViewCount="17389" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a pretty religious (Christian) friend from the UK (of the same age as me - late 20's) and we often used to talk about Quran and Gospel (she had knowledge of both and so did I) and it leads to often very interesting discussions and new questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She told me about her boyfriend who was an Arab Muslim and actually he was not as religious but pretty stern at Beliefs. Both wanted to marry each other but their parents were against this marriage; one day I asked her couple of questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suppose you got married to him, &lt;strong&gt;will your kids believe in One Allah or Trinity?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She replied that &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;they will believe in Trinity&lt;/strong&gt; - though &lt;strong&gt;he doesn't agree with me here&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Islamic_view_of_the_Trinity&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;says its polytheism&lt;/a&gt;&amp;quot;. I thought that this marriage (maybe I am wrong) is not going to work but to confirm, I asked a couple more questions and they confirmed that there is a deadlock between two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wanted to bring her out of this situation, so being not only a friend but as an inter-faith discussion as well, I suggested her to revise her decision to marry a Muslim as it's not going to work but she did mind that &amp;quot;I am interfering in her personal life&amp;quot; - while I had no intention whatsoever to interfere in her personal life but just to give her advice as per Beliefs conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wanted to convey but that you should discuss religious differences and how to raise your children should be before getting married. Sadly, I lost a friend in the process - she never talked with me again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What could have been the better way of recommending the same thing if you were in my place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S: Kindly note that she (or me) never minded any of the questions during our discussions and our questions used to be pretty serious ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Information added from comments:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The conversation was done over text. I didn't use any harsh words (and I don't use emojis - especially in serious discussions) and she was far away from being touchy - I have even asked her questions like &amp;quot;Why Christ (Peace on him) didn't have a son?&amp;quot; and she replied to it as well as &amp;quot;Very interesting question! Give me time to think an answer.&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I had asked her about personal details before (her about her family/work and even about her bf), but never personal &lt;em&gt;decisions&lt;/em&gt;. She never hesitated in answering of those questions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T01:21:42.373" Title="How to tell a non-muslim friend that &quot;Inter-faith Marriage not gonna work&quot;?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;inter-faith&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3548" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-08T11:10:02.850" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For questions related to Inter-faith communication, relations, dealings, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorUserId="3670" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T13:32:47.023" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:32:47.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3549" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-08T11:10:02.850" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T11:10:02.850" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T11:10:02.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3550" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3556" CreationDate="2017-09-08T11:37:45.390" Score="5" ViewCount="664" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Dhaka-Bangladesh, person, mostly women, worked as a maid. They worked for 2 hours approximately. Each day they work in many houses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One maid also works for us and her work is not good. We want to change maid. That's why we search and found many maids who agreed to work. As it's not possible to measure new maid's working quality without giving then work or see them working, we are allowing both of them to work in our house in different time. If new one works good, then we will say no to old one. But, only working for 1 day every maid decline to work ( even if we offer them extra money) After that, new maids do not pick up calls! To know the truth, we called them several times. FYI, we found 7 new maids in 45 days. After talking They all have common. Everyone says that their husbands are not allowing to work. And they have talked to our old maid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the reason? Why do they not want to work here? I strongly believe that our old maid told them something bad about us or not to work here. FYI, our old maid is an angry person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) We behave very respectfully with them 2) All of our maids live within 500 meters. We go to those place and search new maid by asking people if anyone know someone who wants to work. 3) I strongly believe that old one does not want to lose her job. She already knows that we are about to say no to her. 4) Here, maids have a good network. They keep words to each other. I am not the only one in Dhaka who facing this problem. 5) Talked with several persons (approx 20 in Dhaka) and found 5 of them faced these issue. How can I get out of this syndicate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the number 5, All of them live in a rented house. 3 of them solved this issue by complaining land owner. 2 of them can't solve the problem. FYI, I live in my own house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5269" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T15:50:44.393" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T15:50:44.393" Title="Our maid is not allowing to work another maid" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;bangladesh&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3547" CreationDate="2017-09-08T11:45:04.023" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Asking questions&lt;/strong&gt;, as you've done, is generally a good way to get someone to think about something without being particularly confrontational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I'd keep the questions coming:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Shouldn't you come to a decision on this &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; getting married?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  What will you do if, after you're married, you realise you'll never come to an agreement on these issues? Will you then choose to not have children?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also enquire about how certain aspects of day-to-day life will look like for them (e.g. prayer, worship, diet or other religious commitments or restrictions), if you think there might be potential issues there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also try to &lt;strong&gt;point out that it's difficult while showing support&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know of any successful inter-faith marriages. If you choose to go ahead with it, I wish you the best of luck and hope you'll be the exception to the rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is not to change her mind then and there, but rather to get her thinking in-depth about these things, which will either make her doubt that it will work, or set her mind at ease about it, in that such thinking might also reveal solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really agree with your premise that inter-faith marriage can't work (if that's your premise) - it will depend a lot on the people involved and how important their faith (and sharing it with their life partner) is to them, but what's more important is that your friend believes it will work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T12:55:50.013" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T12:55:50.013" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3453" CreationDate="2017-09-08T12:16:56.153" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would briefly reply with an explanation of what I heard when the other person &quot;praised&quot; me. The focus is on &lt;strong&gt;me&lt;/strong&gt; and on conveying my interpretation and feelings. This is to avoid blaming the other person for a statement they might not have meant -- or at least could claim not to have meant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you say it's great that I can find a doctor on my own, I somehow feel as if you think I'm still a little child. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T12:16:56.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3453" CreationDate="2017-09-08T12:23:20.083" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;For your parents you are always 5 years old. It will take a lot of time till they accept that you can live on your own. This is not because they don't think you can, but because they did that for such a long time, that they became used and especially dependent on it. For them tutoring you makes them feel useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any person that doesn't feel useful feels bad in some way. For them you are the most important matter in the universe, everything else comes second. So if they don't feel useful to you, they will feel bad about it, no matter how stupid it might sound to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can speed up things a little if you for once make sure they still feel loved and useful, by letting them do things you know they like to help you with (my dad for example loves installing electric equipment like lamps, so I invite them occasionally when such things arise). On the other hand gently mention that you are now old enough to stand on your own feet. Eventually your parents will understand and accept that they need to let you go, especially if they know that you are not going too far away (symbolically speaking).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your friend praises you for simple tasks, then she is most likely amazed, because &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; doesn't know how to do that, or thinks it is very difficult. In this case it is more like a compliment, and you could answer things like &quot;Of course I can, I am a professional!&quot; with a smile. But be prepared to then be the expert for doing such things for the rest of your future. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During work, especially in the IT business, some people have not yet fully understood that women are (now officially) equal to men. 50 years ago even a woman would have agreed that they can't do certain tasks, because it was the common opinion. Those people still are in those companies and often treat women less, simply because that's what they have been taught to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If younger co-workers treat you like that, they might feel threatened by you taking away 'the last bastion of man-kind', if you demonstrate superior skill in a certain area they might feel weak because of that (men in general don't like to feel weak), or they are simply mocking you, because men like to communicate a bit more aggressive and provocative. In all cases that's their problem and not yours, so make sure to notice in an appropriate way that you don't like to be threatened like this. And if everything else fails: tell your superior. Just don't get too overzealous, you might have to work with these people for a while longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a summary: act against that common misconception if it annoys you, but don't take it too personal, as in most cases people actually admire you for what you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3566" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T12:23:20.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3547" CreationDate="2017-09-08T12:32:24.937" Score="74" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I wanted to bring her out of this situation&lt;/strong&gt;, so being not only a friend but as an inter-faith discussion as well, &lt;strong&gt;I suggested her to revise her decision&lt;/strong&gt; to marry a Muslim as it's not going to work but she did mind that &quot;I am interfering in her personal life&quot; - while &lt;strong&gt;I had no intention whatsoever to interfere in her personal life&lt;/strong&gt; but just to give her advice as per Beliefs conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With respect, you &lt;em&gt;absolutely did&lt;/em&gt; intend to interfere in her personal life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You thought she was making a mistake about her personal life.  You tried to get her to change her mind.  That's the very definition of interfering with someone's personal life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not condemning this, but I think it is important that you realize why she reacted the way that she did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking questions is fine, especially if you have a history of discussing questions on religion without any signs of discomfort or conflict.  The moment you make a suggestion, though, you run the risk of crossing a personal boundary, especially on any topic involving strong emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any time marriage is being discussed, it is a safe assumption that strong emotions are involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe you would have done better if you had stuck to just asking questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be safe, you may want to consider supplementing questions that may touch on emotionally charged issues by using &quot;&lt;em&gt;I language&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.  This means to focus on &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; perspective, to avoid making it sound like you are targeting the person you are talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you felt that the response you received to &quot;Suppose you got married to him, will your kids believe in One Allah or Trinity?&quot; needed some follow-up, because you were concerned with her response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I were in a relationship with someone who didn't share the same faith I do, I'd want to be certain that we discussed how we would handle religious education for our children before we got married.  I'd hate to wind up fighting with my spouse because we both wanted different things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;versus:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You should talk to your boyfriend more about this before you decide to get married.  You say you want your children to be raised to believe in the Trinity, but your boyfriend is apparently opposed to that.  Don't you think that will result in conflict?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second example comes across as very personal.  Phrases like &quot;you should&quot; and &quot;you want&quot; may put people on the defensive, and may be &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201205/are-you-poor-communicator-how-improve&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;signs of ineffective communication&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first example is not guaranteed to go over well, either, but by making it about yourself, instead of the person you're talking to, it will likely soften the tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T12:40:45.900" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T12:40:45.900" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3555" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3092" CreationDate="2017-09-08T12:37:06.210" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Nordisch by Nature. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have troubles communicating with people and they don't understand you even though you really try to speak clearly, then the issue might be in the other parts of how you communicate. Talking to people is not simply exchanging words (what you say), also the body language and structure is very important (how you say it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your text above I for example have troubles understanding some sentences, because the structure of those sentences is not immediately clear to me. After re-reading them I got the message. I don't know in which way and with what structure you are speaking, but according to your writing skills, you might confuse people simply because you do not use the 'common' structure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learning to speak in clearly structured sentences is a skill that you can acquire and improve like most other skills. If your parents didn't properly teach you, there are some institutions that can assist you. If you discuss that issue with a counselor (Psychotherapist), they might be able to help you get into such a course. And if they conclude that you are indeed suffering form that, there is a good chance that your health care might cover some or all of the cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3566" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T12:37:06.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3550" CreationDate="2017-09-08T12:57:09.543" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer: I am not at all familiar with the local culture in Bangladesh, so this answer doesn't consider any cultural nuances.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds to me like it's a case of professional courtesy between the maids. You say that all of the maids you have talked to have also talked to your current maid. They probably don't want to go work somewhere that would cause someone they know to get fired, the flip side being that your maid would give them the same courtesy. Additionally, you are only offering them one day's worth of work, so they have no incentive to damage their own personal and professional relationships for just a &lt;em&gt;chance&lt;/em&gt; of getting work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a couple things that might help your situation. First, you will likely have to offer your new maid full time upfront - no trial day. This guarantees them a job rather than making it just an interview. If you are worried about the quality of their work, ask them for references from other clients they have worked with, or ask your friends to refer you to maids they like. You might still get people refusing to work for you because of your current maid, so you may need to fire her before you hire someone new.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also mention that all of the maids live within 500 meters of each other, and that's how you find them. You may need to find another location in order to find someone who doesn't know your current maid. If your maid really is spreading lies about you, then you will either need to find someone who doesn't know her or find someone trusted who can vouch for you to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1959" LastEditorUserId="1959" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T13:08:06.230" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:08:06.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3557" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3429" CreationDate="2017-09-08T13:02:31.440" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Asking the dog owner is good.  &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Asking the dog is best.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an ex-dog-owner, I'll usually say hello to every dog I see.  I'll always give the dog a chance to sniff my hand and then either stay around for more attention or leave.  If the dog's clearly shy, I'll let it approach on its terms - many dogs are initially shy, but will happily accept fuss once they've realised you're friendly.  And if the dog's come over to say hello to me, or it's running loose, I'll always assume it's OK to stroke the dog - if it wasn't, the owners shouldn't let it out.  I've taught my son the same, with the extra caveat for him that he needs to be more careful around bigger dogs because they could easily knock him over if they bounce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly though, I meet more than a few owners who actively prevent their dogs from socialising with people.  If you know your dog is scared of particular situations, that's fair enough.  But when the dog approaches someone, tail wagging, and you yank it back, you're teaching it to fear contact with other people.  This is incredibly damaging for the dog.  Or they say &quot;she doesn't like people&quot; to try to stop you stroking it, while the dog is doing its best impression of a four-legged hearthrug in front of you and mowing the grass with its tail.  They aren't paying enough attention to the dog to notice or even care about what it's feeling or whether it's happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If an owner says their dog is shy, I'll happily stay there and give the dog a chance to approach me.  Most will, and most owners then praise their dog, which is entirely right.  That's how you train a dog to be less nervous - give them opportunities to associate new people with pleasant experiences.  And if they still don't, I don't push it, because the dog is saying that they can't handle it.  And sometimes dogs are simply spooked for no particular reason that you or the owner can figure out, and again you accept that the dog just isn't in the mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So whilst asking the owner is fine in principle, it does fail when the owner is ignorant or stupid - and there are a disappointingly high number of ignorant and stupid dog owners.  And it also fails when the owner thinks the dog is OK but the dog simply, for whatever reason, doesn't want the attention.  Asking the dog always works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:02:31.440" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3558" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3547" CreationDate="2017-09-08T13:19:16.930" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;The simple answer is &quot;you don't.&quot; Regardless of the situation, people who are in love aren't going to break it off for the fact a friend tells one of them &quot;it won't work.&quot; If you push the issue, you are likely to lose a friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What might help is a non-judgemental discussion on how they will raise the children. My observation is that there are people who are otherwise not very religious still have a strong feeling about how to raise their children. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going on 23 years of marriage, and the 2 discussions that were most important were 'how to raise child' and an understanding of our approaches to money. Both of these can undermine a marriage if not agreed on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand you don't want this marriage to happen. In my opinion, if the friend says they've discussed the issue of raising children and agree 100%, they are done. (And the money issue, if one is a saver, the other a spender, that can be a problem. 2 spenders? and they are in trouble, but together.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2134" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:19:16.930" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-08T13:20:43.193" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Several valid answers have already been posted, but I believe this is a decent alternative:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Let him enjoy being a gentleman&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention that he has a good income, as such it should not put him in significant financial difficulties to treat you to dinner and spoil you in different ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I would be very surprised if he does not enjoy it, and you should be able to enjoy this too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not need it financially, but this should not prevent you from enjoying the nice little things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Be open, but don't rub it in his face&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ofcourse it is very unhealthy to keep secrets. So if he shows interest in this field it is definitely best to share information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And even if he does not actively ask, it is probably good that he gets a bit of an idea that you have such a good income that you don't depend on him financially. (And thus that he is in no way obliged to treat you.) Probably he can easily deduce this from your lifestyle, but if he really didn't seem to get it yet, you can of course buy something crazily expensive for yourself to give a hint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you were to mention that you earn 10 times as much as him, it is very likely that he will be somewhat intimidated. So unless he actually wants to know, I would not start talking figures too soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference: A friend of mine has parents who have been happily married for decades, but don't share their income information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Beware of social differences&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because the difference is so large, you should be aware that it may possibly lead to some difficulties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Different kinds of friends and family&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Different tradeoffs (fly first class? Buy a new car/house?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid surprises/conflicts here, I would make sure that he is at least somewhat aware of your financial position before you run into these kinds of more serious issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally a practical tip: Assuming you have resolved the issue around 'secrecy', a way to aim for the best of both worlds could be to let him treat you for many little things, like dinner, whilst you chip in for the bigger purchases, like a car or a house. That way he can spoil you a lot, whilst all money is put to good use!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4645" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:20:43.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3560" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3563" CreationDate="2017-09-08T13:31:46.233" Score="61" ViewCount="16997" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a part of the United States where Christians are a strong majority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I frequently find myself in social situations that involve everyone being asked to join in prayer.  I'm not religious, and I'm not Christian, and the prayers are invariably explicitly Christian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As discussed in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/259/2185&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt;, I am fine with being politely silent and still during the prayer. What that question doesn't cover, however, is &lt;em&gt;to what degree is it respectful for me to participate or not participate&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The events sometimes involve family and extended family.  Other times the events are not family related at all, and instead are people who know each other as friends or coworkers (but typically the social gathering is outside of the context of work).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like to discuss my beliefs, because I've seen a lot more hostility, intolerance, and bigotry based upon people not being Christian than in other areas I've lived in, including from people I had considered friends, and family members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of these events are recurring, so I know that there will be a prayer of some sort ahead of time.  Other times, I have no idea that this will happen until everyone is called to gather. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These aren't events where I'd normally &lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt; a religious component; we're typically at someone's house having dinner, and not in a church, or at a wedding or other ceremony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most times these events involve the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The organizer calls for everyone to gather&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Everyone holds hands with the person on either side&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Everyone bows their head&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Everyone (?) closes their eyes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The organizer leads a prayer.  Sometimes this is a common prayer that is recited out loud by everyone.  Sometimes it is a prayer recited just by the organizer, but then when it ends everyone says &quot;Amen!&quot; out loud.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to be respectful, but to me, pretending to believe in their religion would be disrespectful.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally hold hands with the people around me (even though this makes me uncomfortable), but I don't know if I should bow my head, close my eyes, or say &quot;Amen!&quot;.  I feel like I shouldn't do any of those three things, since my understanding of them is that they are all indicative of respect for God and Jesus, and I can't respect something I don't believe in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; want to respect the people around me, however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also feel conspicuous and uncomfortable by not participating fully (although I feel far more uncomfortable just by being asked to participate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I behave to be the most respectful of the people around me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="2185" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T23:22:41.720" LastActivityDate="2020-04-14T17:36:12.950" Title="What is the most respectful way to respond when invited into a prayer circle or other religious activity I don't believe in?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3561" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T13:49:26.260" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're in particular invited to join a prayer session you wish to not join, you may stay away from it, no need to feel obliged. And if asked for a reason, be honest, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not a Christian, but thank you for inviting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Faking belief is not necessary, and in some cases could be offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's my experience in India:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a Christian myself, but I'd attended a Christian friend's wedding in India. A part of the ceremony was some Christian prayer session I do not know about. I was one of the few non-Christians there. Instead of sticking out like a sore thumb, I conformed to their procedures because it didn't seem to bother me much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the priest(?)'s speech, he asked everyone to stand up, hold hands and face towards the right side. He recited some verses, I think. And everyone would follow it with &lt;em&gt;Amen&lt;/em&gt;. I did most things to avoid being noticed, and said &lt;em&gt;Amen&lt;/em&gt; assuming it's all good things being asked in the prayer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, later when I'd attend such weddings, I'd either follow with it or avoid that part by going outside the hall for some fresh air taking a couple of non-Christian friends with me long before the speech would start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure nobody felt uncomfortable with us following their ceremony, and also that nobody was offended by us leaving the prayer session quietly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a diverse group of friends, from all kinds of backgrounds. We attend every program of every friend ignoring all religious barriers. Not sure if everyone in India does it. I can still say that most of the Indians are like my friend group, multicultural.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wait for some comments to know whether this is relatable to the US, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I for one find it nice being able to be a part of all kinds of religious events. We here celebrate Onam, Eid, Christmas, Diwali, and whatnot! As long as one does not enforce one's beliefs over others', it will be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T14:05:27.887" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T14:05:27.887" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3534" CreationDate="2017-09-08T13:56:59.593" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can be angry at them, but you should only clamly explain your position, for them to do with as they wish. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two things to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, If this was a first time thing with the acquaintance, forgiveness, in my opinion, would be appropriate, especially if the apology was sincere. You do not go into detail there so we can only speculate.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also consider that their forgiveness my have motivated from within (more about your parents than about the person insulting them). The act of forgiveness has several direct benefits to your parents:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The act of forgiving can sometime serve as a way of &quot;letting go of the issue&quot;. It may be your parent's way of moving on.  They may have determined that the harm to them from harboring the ill-feelings is greater than the potential risk or harm from being insulted again. Harboring resentment can be extremely draining of energy and can be a source of stress for some, so forgiveness is a way of dealing with this. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The person doing the forgiving is sometimes seen as &quot;taking the high road&quot; e.g. being self-confident enough to move on, and not take it personally, etc. can be seen as a virtue, and is sometimes a sign of being resilient. Whereas, holding a grudge (e.g. not forgiving) can be seen as petty and less virtuous. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally try to consider these things when I am in similar situations. With that said, know that I do place a high value on resolving conflict. To me, the ongoing conflict and ill-will is often worse than the hurt from the initial incident. Remember, holding a grudge can consume tremendous amounts of energy, sometimes it can be better for one's self to just move on (via forgiveness).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they were to do it again and again, the alternative to forgiveness is just to cut them loose altogether and move on. But this seems harsh for a first occurrence.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5309" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T13:56:59.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3563" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T14:01:23.190" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do these people know you are not a religious person?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have you ever told them how you feel about this whole ordeal? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How far have you gone so far? Did you do the whole 9 yards? (hold hands, shut eyes, say Amen).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very annoying situation to be in. I am an Indian and a Hindu. I am not a religious person, but if someone asked me what religion was I born into, I would say Hinduism. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I came to the US, married an American citizen. She wasn't a religious person either, but her grandparents were. She's from the south, so everyone is religious to an extent. Every thanksgiving meal, I stood there holding hands with eyes shut as her grandpa said grace. I always participated and said Amen in the end. Don't get me wrong, the grace was always beautiful. It was always about being thankful for real things. The first time I went to Thanksgiving (before we were married), he said he was thankful for all the people from all over the world being present in that house right then. I cried a bit! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted, you are not a religious person. I understand you feel like pretending to believe in their religion is disrespectful. But as far as I've seen, religious people, Christians in specific, appreciate anything that is not an insult to their belief. So I think participating in the prayer would not be offensive to them at all. Even if they know you're non-religious. They would appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could always just play along. But what about you feeling uncomfortable about doing it? Are you that uncomfortable that you cannot just stand there holding hands? If yes, honestly, I can only think of one thing. I'd tell them directly. I'd tell them that I wish not to participate and that I'm not a very religious person. If they're your regular Christians, they'd just say OK and proceed doing whatever they do every time. If they're extremely religious (you know, the kind that talks about God and Jesus every chance they get in a desperate attempt to convert you? No offense to anyone), you risk losing a group of friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although, I'd suggest acting differently to friends and coworkers and family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friends:&lt;/strong&gt; Depending upon how close you are to them, be somewhere in between Subtle and brutally honest. If they are real close friends of yours, they'd not be completely offended by this. It is your belief after all. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Coworkers:&lt;/strong&gt; There is a level of professionalism expected of you. Of everyone. Religious acts with a group in a workplace is, in my opinion, not too professional. But depending upon where you live, it might be the norm. The company I work for is very religious. My boss is religious. No one talks about religion at work. That is where the line is drawn. So you can be direct and professional to them as well. Next time you're invited, tell them &quot;Oh I am sorry, is it OK if I don't take part today?&quot;. They'll know why you say that. If they don't say the same thing tomorrow. They HAVE to get it at some point. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Family:&lt;/strong&gt; Suck it up! :) I'd not do ANYTHING to offend family. Mine or my wife's. For a religious family like that, there is a lot of emotions and sentiments in play. You don't want any of it getting hurt. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T14:01:23.190" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T14:01:38.927" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;People who are serious about their religion are serious about their religious activities. I'm not aware of any religion which would consider faking religious interest or devotion to be a virtue. If you're being invited to participate in some religious activity then that normally indicates they think or assume you do share their religious persuasions. If that's not the case then there shouldn't be any harm at all in simply saying &quot;Sorry, I'm not religious&quot; or &quot;Sorry, I don't believe in prayer&quot; or something else along those lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T14:05:22.990" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T14:05:22.990" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T14:17:46.810" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There can be instances where you know there will be a communal prayer, but it is not possible/acceptable to decline an invitation. An example for this would be a funeral or wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally try to copy what everybody else is doing. Without knowing the text of the prayer or having any connection with it, you could just stay silent and reflect on the reason of the prayer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the amount of people present, you might get noticed not participating. Unless you get addressed about this, I wouldn't draw attention to it. Just try to be as non-disruptive as possible. If they do call you out on it, you can respond with &quot;I am not religious, but...&quot; and change the subject to the reason of the prayer, rather than the religious part of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T14:17:46.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T14:18:18.660" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a Christian. I pray in public places. But I know how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in roughly the same area as you do, but one can expect to be caught in this situation from time to time anywhere in the Bible Belt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was not a Christian when I moved here, and was caught in this nonsense just as you were, and felt not only uncomfortable, but put upon. (I'm not as nice as you are.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;to what degree is it respectful for me to participate or not participate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is perfectly respectful not to participate. Just maintaining silence  is polite and understanding. We understand (or should) that not everyone shares our beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not need to hold hands. (I did not.) If you're standing, just step back so the two on either side of you can fill in the gap and hold hands. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're seated, and you get a questioning glance from those on either side of you, just smile your most innocent smile and 1. point to your nose or throat implying you don't want them to get sick or 2. still smiling, just shake your head slightly &quot;no&quot;, like you're politely refusing a nice cold beer when there's a conversation you don't want to interrupt verbally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know if I should bow my head, close my eyes, or say &quot;Amen!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No need to do any of those things. But I would say an enthusiastic &lt;em&gt;amen!&lt;/em&gt; before I was a Christian because I was so relieved it was over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should I behave to be the most respectful of the people around me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already are being very respectful. You certainly can get away with a lot less and still not alienate everyone. But there's always someone in a crowd who'll take offense at nothing. How to handle that person is a different question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Shortly after becoming a Christian, I went to Africa in a medical mission capacity. I was not a missionary, nor, really, a good ambassador for the faith. At a large gathering, I was asked to lead the group in prayer. I was too shocked and embarrassed to say anything! They all waited there holding hands while I panicked. Finally someone else took the lead and started to pray. No one mentioned it at all, nor was I treated any differently afterwards. I think they understood.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T17:04:24.520" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T17:04:24.520" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3534" CreationDate="2017-09-08T14:25:03.987" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Forgiving is a noble act and sometimes not easy.&#xA;Since you are from a very different country in a cultural way than I am, this might sound weird to you, but consider this:&#xA;Verbal insults are nothing more than words. In the end, words are just wind.&#xA;If someone insults me (or tries to), usually I smile and respond in a way, that shows that I understand the persons anger or hate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to stop a person from hating or insulting you, well don't fight back but instead show them that there is nothing to hate about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if your parents don't to 'punish' this acquaintance for insulting somehow, it is still not certain, that the person will insult them again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3438" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T14:25:03.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3568" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3598" CreationDate="2017-09-08T14:33:14.637" Score="12" ViewCount="2435" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a really good friend of mine, who has fallen on hard times. He got screwed over by his old boss, which made him lose his job, house and girlfriend (within a 4 week period). He's an immigrant to the UK and he has no immediate family he can contact, his parents are deceased and as far as I can gather he has no contact with his siblings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I've taken him in and he's been living with me for around 2 months. He suffers from Bipolar disorder, quite severely. Which in turn has made it harder for him to find the motivation to get a job (although recently after around 5 weeks of spending most of his time in his room, he is starting to look for work which is a nice change and he wants to better himself, it's just come a little too late) and do other day to day stuff. I want to emphasise he's not lazy, but he's in a very enclosed mindset right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't mind looking after him financially, it's in my nature to leave no man behind, but I also have three kittens to feed and the expenses of feeding me, him and the kittens (my other housemates also help out with the kittens) are racking up quite an expensive bill, weekly. I can normally afford it fine but I'm moving literally next week and with the cost of moving, finding a new place and the rest of my wage from the job I've just left, I don't know how much longer the rest of my money will last me. This is the tricky part, my other housemates have agreed to keep him here rent free when I go as long as I can help out financially (to them, it's not their problem which I understand) and under the condition that he does keep looking for work and to better himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I've tried already&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Checking any eligibility for government benefits, but as he's an immigrant and with his boss taking away his taxes and not declaring him as an employee, he technically hasn't worked long enough to be eligible on paper (you need a minimum of 6 months work in the UK), but in reality has. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Speaking to him and explaining that the cost of living is expensive, but he just takes it to the extreme because he thinks he's a burden and literally ate beans for three days to avoid me spending more money. Which is not what I wanted, as it's no good for his health. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being direct and up front, by telling him that he really needs to find a job (this was before he started looking) otherwise he won't be able to live with me much longer. But now he's looking for work, he still isn't getting hired and I can't go back on my word. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm quite mentally drained from the whole situation. I've learned my lesson for next time I want to do this with someone, but I don't have a clue what I can do now. From my viewpoint I've exhausted all options (that I can see), I'm hoping someone who has been in the same situation or something similar can shed some light. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I approach this so we both have an understanding of the situation and attempt to find a common solution?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: I have no problem putting any more effort in whilst I'm here or gone as long as he is in a good position in the future, it's just financially. I'm nearly done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T14:57:11.963" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:54:39.163" Title="How to help my friend so he doesn't rely on me financially as much?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3570" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3547" CreationDate="2017-09-08T14:52:15.937" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;While sometimes we feel the need to express concern over a friend's choice of partner, I strongly disagree with the tone of the question.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many couples have fundamental disagreements, but there are often more important considerations.  Do they make each other happy?  Do they love each other?  Do they respect each other?  Do they support each other?  Do they resolve problems maturely?  You should be far more concerned with questions like that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I understand of it, Islam explicitly permits marriage between Muslim men and Christian/Jewish women.  Although not the other way around.  So where do you get this idea from, exactly?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A guide was &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/how-christians-and-muslims-can-marry-the-official-guide-8348954.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;published in 2012 by the Christian-Muslim forum&lt;/a&gt; about mixed marriages, in order to clarify basic questions.  According to 2001 census data there were at least 21,000 mixed faith marriages in the UK.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The document, called When Two Faiths Meet, is the product of months of&#xA;  painstaking negotiations between Christian and Muslim leaders and&#xA;  emphasises the need for tolerance and acceptance of mixed-faith&#xA;  marriages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Among the recommendations are speaking out against forced conversions,&#xA;  recognising the legality of inter-faith marriages in British law,&#xA;  non-judgemental pastoral care and a complete rejection of any&#xA;  violence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It might sound a little like we are stating the obvious but it does&#xA;  need to be said,&quot; Sheikh Ibrahim told The Independent. &quot;In reality&#xA;  Christian and Muslim couples often face very challenging scenarios&#xA;  where there is not enough tolerance or the right pastoral care and&#xA;  that can lead to a very damaging and negative experience for them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing you should have done is to try and help.  This does not mean telling them they can't have a relationship - as there is neither legal nor theological justification for this.  It means trying to find something which can help them overcome the obstacles you think will be a problem.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You were right to initiate this with questions, but you then needed to follow this up with saying something like... &quot;I was wondering about this, and found X.  I thought it was a very interesting read, and thought you may find it helpful.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then the ball is in her court, you've tried to be helpful.  She will decide whether your concern was warranted, and whether your advise was any good.  If you badger her about it any more all you are doing is interfering.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Al-Khalili&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Jim Al-Khalili&lt;/a&gt; was born of a marriage between a Shia Iraqi father and Protestant English mother, and he turned into an atheist professor of physics... so perhaps we need more interfaith marriages to make more physicists?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1923" LastEditorUserId="1923" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T15:10:49.487" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T15:10:49.487" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3512" CreationDate="2017-09-08T15:01:55.143" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You must try and understand what type of headspace women are confronted with when they interact with men. Most women (not all, but most) do like men, they like the idea of having a man around, but they are confronted with a lot of men who just see them as objects. In many ways just like a blow-up doll with a pulse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you can very much admire a women's beauty. As a straight male, I can assure you there beauty is by no means lost on me, but have some considerations in the way you communicate your feelings towards women. I don't think that it is at all sexist to be impressed by a woman's beauty. I can admire a women's beauty just like I can admire the beauty of a Van Gogh painting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is unfortunately just a very thin line between objectifying women and admiring someone's beauty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sincerity really goes a long way. If you show her small token of how you admire her beauty and not go overboard with the flattery, you will come off as non-threatening and sincere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you see a woman you like, try saying to her. 'Gosh, those flowers in your hair sure look pretty, I always like it when girls do that with their hair.' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this, you come off as non-judgemental, you are sharing some of your likes with her, offering a bit of personal info to make the compliment personal, all in a sincere way, totally devoid of ulterior motives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Empty flattery gets you nowhere with women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3233" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T15:01:55.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3573" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3592" CreationDate="2017-09-08T15:14:36.000" Score="132" ViewCount="26388" Body="&lt;p&gt;My spouse and I have a recurring problem. I will try to talk about my day, which may include a tough problem that has been frustrating me. &lt;strong&gt;Before I've even had a chance to explain what is going on&lt;/strong&gt;, he will offer solution, which may or may not solve the problem. We then up arguing over whether the solution will work or not, and he gets mad that I'm criticizing his advice, and I get frustrated because I didn't even &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; advice; I just wanted to share about my day! Whether I agree or disagree with his advice, he expects me to simply thank him  (and presumably drop the topic since it is now &quot;solved&quot;). He claims he doesn't care if I actually act on the advice, but he doesn't want to discuss it after it's given. He doesn't understand why I object to this arrangement, despite my repeated attempts to explain it, and I'm unsure how to change that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I actually &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; when sharing a frustrating problem/experience is some empathy, for him to understand and be aware of what I'm struggling with, and for him to generally show that he cares and is interested in what is going on in my life. It's the same thing I want when sharing &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; experience with someone I care about. The fact that it's a problematic experience instead of a happy one is irrelevant. If I want advice, then I'll ask for it, but typically the problems I'm talking about are complex enough that there's no easy solution (or I'd have figured it out myself).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The things I've tried:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Modeling the response I want when he shares experiences/problems with me (which he has confirmed he enjoys more than me giving him advice, but it hasn't changed his behavior towards me)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Flat out saying I'm not looking for advice and just want him to listen when he tries to give it, but that causes him to withdraw from the conversation completely&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have tried repeatedly to make my desire for him to listen instead of problem solve explicitly at the beginning of the conversation, and he flat out refuses. I also have tried telling him the problem solving is making me feel worse, and that listening is what I need to feel better. He thinks it's absurd.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Quickly dismissing the &quot;solution&quot; so we don't get fixated on that instead, but he doesn't like being dismissed either&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Keeping any problems to myself, but that causes a different sort of tension&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Having a conversation where I try to understand why he's upset and also have him understand why I'm upset, but it quickly devolves into insults and snarky comments&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's especially frustrating because I feel like the first method should work, especially because he acknowledges that he doesn't want advice either, and he prefers me responding the same way I'm asking him to respond. &lt;strong&gt;We want to be treated the same way!&lt;/strong&gt; But when I ask him to return the favor, he responds with &quot;that's just how I am, if you give me a problem, I'll solve it&quot;. I get it, we're both engineers, we're both wired to solve problems when we see them. It's extremely hard for me to bite my tongue and not try to help him! But I do it because it makes him happier, and I just want him to return the favor.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get my spouse to listen thoughtfully when I talk about a problem before summarily dismissing it with a &quot;solution&quot;? &lt;strong&gt;I don't mind the advice itself, I mind the not letting me finish, not attempting to understand how I see the situation, and then not wanting to discuss the advice given.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-18T16:17:50.063" LastActivityDate="2019-08-19T21:07:27.233" Title="How to get spouse to empathetically listen to problems instead of offering solutions?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="43" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3574" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3568" CreationDate="2017-09-08T15:24:19.323" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Leave no man behind is a good policy as long as you are not left behind along with your friend. Dragging someone around is a beautiful thing for a human to do. Takes a lot of courage to be able to just take someone in like that and feed him and take care of him for that long. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I appreciate that so much was, I came to the US from India and failed in too many classes while doing my Master's program. I was already married to a US citizen, but I was on visa and getting kicked out of college left me illegal. The lawyer fee was $2500 and the paperwork fee was $1600 to even APPLY for my green card. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a lot of friends. Everyone helped me out as much as they can. I still owe 2 of my closest friends money. I owe one somewhere around $3000 and the other $500. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After nearly two years of being illegal, I caved and went to my mom. She gave me money and I applied for my green card and got myself a job. But you know, there is a limit to how much you can borrow from friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had jobs. I ALWAYS had jobs. I was living in an apartment with 7 other Indians and my wife! That was our first house together as a married couple. But to get my green card, we had to have a shared lease and so we had to move to our own place. The rent was $700 a month! I was making $350-$400 a week! Paying all the bills was impossible, but my friends always came through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I am trying to say is, &quot;no man left behind&quot; does not mean &quot;all men get carried to the top&quot;. It means &quot;no man left behind without at least a stick to climb with&quot;. You offer a helping hand, not your hand itself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand getting a job is hard, but there is ALWAYS something you can do to make money. I worked as a dishwasher, landscaper, cabinetry, rideshare driver (had my license before it expired and I could not renew it because I was illegal, but was good money and they don't check for legality), Gas station clerk, Indian grocery store clerk, I even cleaned up people's houses for money at one point. Made a $100 bucks for every house cleaned. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bipolar disorder plays a big role in all this, and I understand that. But if he were to open his mind up to literally anything that pays, he'd be able to get to the top faster and easier. Or at least, he'd be able to get to the top without you having to wait there in the bottom with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can you do to facilitate this:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit down and look at jobs with him. ANY jobs. Convince him that making any amount of money in an ugly job is better than not making money at all. Both of you sit down with each of your computers and send out your resumes/phone numbers to literally every job there is. Menial labor included. Expand his horizons for him. Find a job that is not something he wants to do but pays good money and try to get him excited about it! Look up about the job on Google and see what the job entails. Talk about it like it sounds fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife did that to me when I had to get off my ass and get myself a job, when I had to quit the job I had for a worse job, when I had to wake up in the morning and clean up clogged overflowing toilets. There needs to be someone to motivate your friend in this situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See if you can get him excited about different opportunities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What if he doesn't want to take anything that comes his way:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Time to give up on your belief &quot;no man left behind&quot;. It's going to be hard, but I lost 5 or 6 friends because of me trying to cling on to their feet and take the free ride up. I don't blame them for kicking me off their feet. After a point, every man stands for himself and only himself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S.: The irony of this is, in my case, my wife has the bipolar disorder! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T15:24:19.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-08T15:33:58.630" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been on both sides of this problem. Growing up with a single mom, she would try to give me advice to solve my problems, when all I wanted was someone to hear me out. I had the same struggles with getting frustrated. As a spouse, I've found myself falling into the same habit; When my wife is venting about her day, I find it difficult not to come up with solutions for her issues. I also work an IT Help Desk, so I'm getting issues all day that I need to find solutions too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helped me was to examine exactly where this behavior was coming from: It was behavior I had learned as a child, and it was behavior that I used on a daily basis. I needed to realize just how deeply-seated this behavior was before I could start trying to turn it around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're going to need is LOTS and LOTS of patience, and to have open communication with your spouse about the issue. The issue needs to be raised in a calm matter, outside of the behavior that's occurring. That is, you can't bring it up when both of you are already frustrated from having it happen. If you can discuss it calmly and rationally without bringing negative feelings into it, you can begin to work on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, because this problem-solving behavior is so ingrained, it's still going to take time to work on it. Your spouse is going to have to go against a very strong learned behavior, which takes time. After you've had your calm conversation, the next time this behavior occurs, you need to point it out without blame or frustration, and work on correcting it from there. Even something like &quot;Okay, you started giving advice again, but let's start over and have you just listen&quot; should work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is that your need to work on this outside of when the disagreements are occurring. Otherwise, the negative emotions (frustration, criticism) are going to keep getting tied in with this behavior, and that's bad for both of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5316" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T15:33:58.630" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3534" CreationDate="2017-09-08T15:44:06.350" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I appreciate that there is some religious/cultural aspect involved here, but will try to answer it from pure logic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So can I be angry at them to make them realize their mistake?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A: Being angry seldom helps anyone,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;B: it is unclear whether it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a mistake,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;C: they are autonomous, souvereign entities the same way you are.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So. Let's take this apart:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: Even if you do decide that they are doing a mistake, and that they are not entitled to act on their own but that you must force your view on them, then anger will most certainly not help you. I don't know your parents, but from your question I'd expect them to be either indifferent or sad about your anger. I actually have never known &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt; who was influenced in a positive way by anger. There is a &lt;em&gt;slight&lt;/em&gt; chance to change other people by leading with positive example and such, but I don't really see how you can do this in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: Not every human will accept your view that forgivenness, even too eager forgivenness, is an error. You will most certainly find humans who forgive &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt; in the very second it happens. Speaking from experience, forgiving (all religious aspects aside) is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; healthy for the psyche of the person doing it. On the other hand, holding a grudge and being angry &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; lead to &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; unhealthy results. So before you try to change your parents, you should really think this true and think about whether it won't do more harm in the end. Yes on the surface it may appear to you that they run the risk of getting fooled by the same evil persons more than once. But it may well be that their mental health would be &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; worse off if you somehow manage to change them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;C: Even if you do convince yourself that being angry is a worthwhile route to changing them, and that being forgiving is a mistake, you still have to consider that &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you are entitled to decide your actions to be this, then &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are entitled to decide their own actions and behaviour as well. Or, other way round, if you decide that they are not entitled to be treated as self-complete beings, then you are, by extensions not entitled either. So you are not entitled to try to change them, anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; be gentle, love your parents, and let them do as they wish. They are not harming you; and if they harm themselves, that is their prerogative as adult human beings. Be strong and supportive with them, not angry, and help them when they need help, not when you decide that they need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T15:44:06.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3578" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-08T15:55:29.870" Score="167" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am like your husband, and I am also an engineer. We are expected to fix things. It makes us happy because our brains are wired that way. Also we think that is what is expected from us when people come with problems, that fixing them will help them since fixing things is our job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is the engineer part of him taking over his way of thinking, tell him he is also something else: a husband. He goes into &quot;fixing mode&quot; so quickly because he wants to help you, because he wants you to be happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to remind him that to be happy, what you need is for him to listen, just listen; that just staying quiet is the solution to the real problem, which is that you are sad. It will take time, it is hard to let other people learn by themselves when you think you can reach the solution more quickly, so just remind him that listening to you is the way to make you happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastEditorUserId="5242" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:43:20.440" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:43:20.440" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3221" CreationDate="2017-09-08T16:26:28.867" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers provide a lot of good thoughts, but here are two things I think you need to understand and proactively discuss come from your primary questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he treats me differently?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He probably will.  His understanding of you and your life will change, and this will necessarily change how he interacts with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A large percentage of relationships fail due to financial issues - not necessarily lack of money either, but how it's being earned and spent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will have to decide together what the &quot;rules&quot; are for your incomes and how they'll mingle as you two become closer, and this should be a high priority discussion frequently as your relationship changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if he doesn't like that I earn more than he does? &quot;Guys must look after girls&quot; and all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is going to rear it's head in several ways, but one big one is that he'll realize he's been doing activities, and going to places that he may feel are beneath your standards.  He'll feel bad even if you explain that you don't expect  more from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably the best way to head this off is to explain that you are frugal, even though you have a high salary you don't spend it on luxury.  Explain that you've enjoyed all the time and outings you've had with him, and they are perfectly in line with the lifestyle you already lead, and prefer to lead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may feel the need to contribute, even if it's financially difficult for him.  So your desire to lighten his load, while well meaning, may not be possible depending on his personality. Some men won't mind being the sugar baby, but this is something you'd have to approach carefully if it's a possibility you'd like to consider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, a frank and open discussion is clearly needed, and if you are willing you might want to better understand his trajectory and desires for his life and then see if together you can accelerate his path.  It could be that he's just a little education, or a few good networking events, or a series of job hops away from making a much better salary and placing him on more equal footing to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T16:26:28.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-08T16:37:15.383" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have to say I used to be a &lt;em&gt;really poor&lt;/em&gt; listener for years. I found later that you need to be the one your SO has chosen to be their &lt;strong&gt;attentive, well-meaning ears&lt;/strong&gt;. Love (and age) helped me, so this is based upon personal experience. As well as readings, like the ones below, taken from one of many links on the web:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Choose the right place and time.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Finding a time and a place where you're both relaxed can be a crucial part of communicating effectively. It's really hard to listen to someone when there's lots of background noise or other things competing for your attention. It's not just about what you say and how you say it, but also where and when. It's useful to plan to have a discussion at a specific time and place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've always picked the after-hard-work-solving-problems-and-after-dinner-during-digestion time, your spouse won't likely be in the proper mood and won't take it as a chance to be nice to you. He might be still at work, so he needs to change his mind to &lt;em&gt;back home&lt;/em&gt;: different time, different environment, different person, different approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make time to talk and listen.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Lots of the time when we're having a discussion, we're just waiting for our turn to talk. We're hearing what they're saying, but we're concentrating our response: &lt;em&gt;that's not true, that's really annoying me, I could easily fix this, why doesn't she does just that?&lt;/em&gt;. This is understandable: no-one loves hearing something they disagree with. But in order to truly understand your partner's perspective, you really have to pay attention and take it in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your spouse is already thinking about &lt;em&gt;solving your problem&lt;/em&gt;, it won't obviously work. You may find it useful to use the following simple pattern: one person talks, the other listens and then paraphrases back what they said: &lt;em&gt;what it sounds like you're saying is...&lt;/em&gt;. And then switch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Communication is a skill and it takes practice to get good at it. If you want to develop your ability to communicate as a couple, you'll need to build positive habits into the way you talk and make a real effort to stick to them. Some days you'll be better than others, and some days you won't manage it at all. But if you persevere, you will find that, over time, your ability to say what's on your mind and listen when your partner tells you what's on theirs, does get better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a routine. You maybe have to seat down, and start talking, but not about your day, about your marriage. It seems like your spouse may not understand the &lt;strong&gt;why's and how's&lt;/strong&gt; you need. And what &lt;strong&gt;he&lt;/strong&gt; needs. Get out of the actual routine, change it, just to start with something different. Instead of using always the lunch/dinner time, you need to both agree on a specific place and specific amount of time. &lt;strong&gt;Start small, think big&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why wouldn't you schedule, say, a half-an-hour span, on saturday/sunday, and go to the park, or have a drink after a nice movie, and spend those 30 minutes to listen to each other? Change the rules, make new ones. Talk about it, and improve what needs to be: the time, or the place, or the schedule, or the subject. Your goal is to reach a fair share. And have it to grow...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's all about marriage counselling, and it's a lot of readings, efforts, and time.&lt;/strong&gt; Both sides. Your have to be patient, and explain again and again, and he has to be patient, and bite his tongue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yelling at him may work, as others have mentioned, but it's not just what I like to share with a SO...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kat (OP), said later, in a comment, exactly what I needed to phrase in my answer, with the perfect words: &lt;strong&gt;I need my husband and not an engineer&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yellow text has been taken or quoted from this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/5-communication-tips-try-your-partner&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;5 communication tips&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/why-its-important-be-good-listener&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;why it's important to be good a listener&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T09:47:58.047" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T09:47:58.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T16:43:32.497" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a Christian. Most of my community are consist of Moslem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my other community, there majority were Christians, with few Moslems there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I've noticed is both respect each other religion. Whenever they are the minority, and some sort of prayer is happening, they just stay silent. That's as respectful as you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in Indonesia people start to lead prayer with the statement&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's pray according to our religion and belief &lt;em&gt;(10 sec silence)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;so that no one feel left out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr :&lt;/strong&gt; Don't worry. Staying silent throughout the prayer itself is enough respect. You don't even need to close your eyes. If you're religious, you can pray silently according to your religion. If you're not religious, just stay silent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T16:43:32.497" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-08T17:25:57.540" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, when people talk about problems, they often have the solution in their minds but need to vent their emotions first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect you've heard the joke about a consultant being someone that you pay to tell you what you already know, but in essence, they do this by listening carefully and presenting the information in a form that the client can use.  Sometimes all they do is affirm a decision that has already been made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your spouse responds to humor, you might be able to express your need for a &quot;consultant&quot;, and ask for their help as a partner in making it work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your spouse doesn't respond to humor, you're probably best off looking for a new spouse. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5333" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T17:54:38.283" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T17:54:38.283" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3585" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T18:08:28.453" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't like to discuss my beliefs, because I've seen [...] hostility, intolerance, and bigotry [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I also feel conspicuous and uncomfortable by not participating fully (although I feel far more uncomfortable just by being asked to participate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Play Along&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may feel insincere, but playing along will prevent you feeling conspicuous and having to discuss your beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it may feel disrespectful, but respect goes both ways. If they do not respect you enough to respect your beliefs, I see no reason to show them the respect of not faking through their religious ceremony. Apparently, what they want (as shown by their actions, as described by you) is for everyone to just play along and go through the motions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this bothers you, think of it as playing along with Virginia who still believes in Santa Claus. If she gives you grief for not putting out milk and cookies for Santa, it's easier to just put them out, then to have an endless discussion about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, while you may feel you're not respecting their religion, remember that you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; respecting their desire for a sense of community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T12:29:10.530" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T12:29:10.530" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3586" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3534" CreationDate="2017-09-08T18:12:39.143" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sure, you can be angry at your parents, however, please consider the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You might be confusing forgetting with forgiving (you seem to be using them interchangeably)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just because YOU think YOUR parents are wrong, does NOT mean that they are, indeed wrong&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Forgiveness is a very difficult concept to learn and apply to life, and can help your parents to NOT be stressed by things that don't really matter&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't sweat the small stuff, words are just words&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Discuss your feelings with your parents, to gain a perspective from their point of view&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5342" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T18:12:39.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-08T18:22:51.870" Score="25" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I actually want when sharing a frustrating problem is some &lt;strong&gt;empathy&lt;/strong&gt;, for him to understand and be aware of what I'm struggling with, and for him to generally show that he cares and is interested in what is going on in my life&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/empathy&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Empathy is&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Identification with or understanding of the thoughts, feelings, or emotional state of another person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way of showing this level of understanding is to imagine yourself in a similar situation and discuss what you would do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What that means is, your husband is going to give you advice, &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; he's able to empathize with you. He is attempting to fully understanding your situation and he's giving you suggestions, sharing &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; experiences in the hope that he can help you overcome the challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What it sounds like you want is &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sympathy&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Sympathy&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A feeling of pity or sorrow for the suffering or distress of another; compassion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From reading your question it doesn't sound like you actually want him to put himself in your shoes. It sounds to me like you want him to acknowledge your suffering with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sounds like a difficult situation, I'm sorry that [problem] is happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, let me be clear that it's OK to want pity and it's OK to give pity...in moderation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a word for people who wallow in pity refusing to be introspective enough to find a solution for themselves, or who won't listen to others advice. The word is &amp;quot;helpless&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you ever had a friend who always complained about their significant other but refused to break up with them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you ever known someone to complain about every little problem in their life without even making an attempt to avoid those problems?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such people are &lt;em&gt;helpless&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, I'm &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; suggesting that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are helpless. However, it's important to acknowledge that your husband is attempting to be &lt;em&gt;helpful&lt;/em&gt;. He's attempting to empathize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's hearing you have problems, and then you're telling him &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;It's not about the nail&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt;. As a solutions-oriented person, I fully understand his perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the real question to ask is: &lt;strong&gt;what do you want from him?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You expect to have a conversation with him of some sort, what is the outcome that you want from that conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want a little pity after a hard day's work, &lt;strong&gt;tell him about how the day made you feel&lt;/strong&gt; and don't mention any of the specific nitty-gritty details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Hey, I had a rough day today. I spent it struggling with a challenging situation at work and I'm feeling tired and frazzled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: I'm sorry to hear that, do you want to talk about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to stop this conversation here. Notice the &amp;quot;I'm sorry to hear that&amp;quot; part? That's pity. Perfectly acceptable regular and healthy levels of pity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next &amp;quot;do you want to talk about it&amp;quot; is a high probability follow up. Remember: he's solution oriented. If you talk about details he'll want to address those details. Saying &amp;quot;Yes&amp;quot; here leads to him trying to propose answers to your problems. It's perfectly OK to respond with &amp;quot;no&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: No, I'd rather not get into the details right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: Ok, I hope tomorrow goes better. Do you want to snuggle and on the couch and watch a movie?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to connect with him on an emotional level, you need to keep emotions at the center of the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in a difficult situation and you feel the need to vent out your frustration, details and all, you need to expect that your husband will try to work out a solution. Instead of giving your husband the details, try writing them down for yourself. If you have a pet, tell your pet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the programming world, this is called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;rubber duck debugging&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt;. It may seem a bit goofy at first but it works wonders and a rubber duck will never judge you, nor offer unsolicited advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2786" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T20:56:54.227" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3588" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3670" CreationDate="2017-09-08T18:32:50.000" Score="3" ViewCount="6549" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I met this colleague (let's call her Alice) at my new job that I started recently. We work in different teams, so I don't get to meet Alice every day, although I do see her in the corridor or the pantry during breaks. I usually smile at her and greet her. But, I never had the opportunity to have a conversation with her since she would be out with her colleagues or on the phone and I wouldn't want to intervene. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have noticed that she tends to not talk very much with her male colleagues in the office unless spoken to, hangs out with her female colleagues most of the time. She is not comfortable acknowledging me when she is with other people, so I don't greet her when she is with people or when I am around people myself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The timings of our break from office work are quite different, hence I am not able to talk to her consistently, I don't want to coincide my break timings with Alice's, as that is not something I am comfortable doing and would make my intentions blatantly obvious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in India.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am interested in asking her out eventually, but before I do that I would like to get to know her a little bit (find out if she is taken :) ) and warm her up to me.I may have to go to her work station to ask her, which brings me to my question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask Alice to spend time with me?&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT from Comments&lt;/strong&gt;: Would like to point out that I want to keep this interaction between us completely casual, so she wouldn't think much of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had prior interactions with Alice  , but they were very short greetings with a &quot;How are you?&quot; , since we pass each other in the corridor . I just would like to invite her to have a longer conversation with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to clarify that , I am not trying to ask her out after these short interactions previously mentioned , because I fully well know the outcome and  &lt;strong&gt;I am aware  its completely inappropriate .&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I am trying to get at , is how I can have longer interactions with Alice at work , where it is harder to approach people. Also , only if I feel that we share common interests , will I proceed to ask her out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3922" LastEditorUserId="3922" LastEditDate="2017-09-09T06:29:12.940" LastActivityDate="2020-05-01T05:42:26.873" Title="How to ask a female colleague to spend time with me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-08T19:24:15.237" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, men are &lt;em&gt;fixers.&lt;/em&gt; They are often very poor &lt;em&gt;listeners.&lt;/em&gt; We sometimes don't recognize that the &quot;solution&quot; to a given, detailed problem isn't in fixing the &lt;em&gt;problem&lt;/em&gt;, it's in &lt;em&gt;listening to the frustration &lt;strong&gt;created&lt;/strong&gt; by the problem.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some men never learn this; some take a long time; some, once the light bulb goes on, catch on immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution? Try to explain to your husband you just need some willing ears to hear the &lt;strong&gt;frustration&lt;/strong&gt; of what you're describing, not an engineer to design a solution to what's being described. It's a totally different kind of listening skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3236" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T19:24:15.237" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-08T19:34:02.863" Score="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am one of those engineering males and married to an engineer, so I am rather familiar with the situation you describe (In fact, I had to check a few of your specific examples to make sure you weren't actually my wife before posting!!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal opinion is that the kind of interaction you are looking for is something that's easier for female engineers than male engineers.  Engineers in general are trained to solve problems, so both parties are going to have that gut desire to fix things.  However, if we look at the gender stereotypes, females are expected to have that listening skill.  It's less prevalent in the male stereotypes.  As such, it is more likely that you were expected to pick up some of those skills as you grew up, while he is more likely to never have picked them up in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether those gender stereotypes are good or bad, this suggests that you may be asking for a skill that he doesn't have, and he may not even recognize that he's expected to have.  It's something that you can't write requirements for.  These are frustrating to deal with because people in these positions typically put blinders on to prevent them from seeing it (source: I may have done this in the past / may still be doing it now).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to broach the topic is personal, so you'll have to fit it into your own life.  However, I can share a few tidbits that were useful for helping me, and you can take from them as you will:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Create artificial small tasks.  &quot;Listen to me rant for up to 10 minutes, then we can stop and go do something else.&quot;  The greater task of &quot;becoming a better listener&quot; is incredibly daunting.  This means there's a likelyhood of him wanting to deflect.  By setting up small goals, you give him something with clear requirements to take a swing at.  Make it clear when you're entering and exiting this timebox.  It'll make it easier on him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ensure he can succeed at those tasks without lifting a finger.  This is the silly part, but I think it turns out to be rather important.  He needs to understand that you will be grateful if he can just shut up and devote 10 minutes of his day to supporting your needs for something other than solving problems.  Obviously there's a &quot;better&quot; win case where he listens actively and truly helps you, but make sure that all he has to do to &quot;pass&quot; is shut up and listen until the timebox for your rant has passed.  This sounds like it could be a counter productive rule, but in my experience, the need to not fail at something important can be strong enough to scuttle the entire experience.  From the sound of the example solutions he is providing, I think he may be doing just that.  As a male engineer, I can assure you that &lt;em&gt;not solving&lt;/em&gt; these problems for 10 minutes is enough of a challenge.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try hard to harvest the positive emotions out of this timebox, and to let the negative ones die when the timer expires.  It's a magic art that takes a lifetime to learn (at least), but if he starts to pick up on the fact that positive results from this timebox continue to apply later into the evening, he'll be more likely to try to invoke positive emotions from you within the timebox.  Likewise, if he finds you are respectful enough to let the negative ones go, he's more likely to experiment with solutions outside of the norm.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be patient.  That's not to say you haven't been patient, but it'd be foolish to fail to include this bullet point because it's incredibly important.  Learning the art of listening is indeed a lifetime endevour, and some male engineers (like myself) are starting into the game very late in their life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="486" LastEditDate="2019-08-19T21:07:27.233" LastActivityDate="2019-08-19T21:07:27.233" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3547" CreationDate="2017-09-08T19:47:59.203" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off @Beofett's suggestions of 'I language' is really good and I think you should definitely give that a try. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA; I've also had many long faith based discussions with people of many different religions, and have studied Islam, Christianity, and Judaism as part of my undergraduate degree (only my minor, and primarily from a historical perspective). I also have family who are Christians and an aunt who was a Muslim for more than 20 years before leaving Yemen/ Islam. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Suggestion:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I think you are correct in trying to help your friend and that your concerns are warranted. One of the worst things people can do for their friends and family who they think are about to make a mistake is to tell them to go for it, and not to give them as much information as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Marriage is not about how in love you are, and love is not a good indicator of how successful a marriage will be. I think one of the most important things for a marriage to be successful is a shared value system. Religion is a good indicator of individual values, as it serves as value/ morality frame work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you say you have had many inter-faith discussions, I think you have probably stumbled upon some of the moral/value system differences that are not only different between Christianity and Islam, but at odds with one another. These are things that people may be able to absorb as a society, but in a close relationship, such as marriage, they will cause problems. I'm sure you have had conversations where you boil down to the moral root different pieces of Christian and Islamic texts, I think the best option you have is to continue your inter-faith discussions and try to point out some of the fundamental value differences between the religions (i.e the 'guilt' vs 'shame' centers). There are a lot of resources online that should allow you to find core elements that are at odds (you already mentioned the 'trinity' aspect of Christianity), you could also discuss things like 'an eye for an eye' as a Christian meaning vs a Muslim meaning (if you decide to go this route and would like some URLs or more examples please let me know, but I think you might be able to handle this on your own). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Another important thing you mention is this:&lt;/strong&gt;    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She replied that &quot;they will believe in Trinity - though he doesn't&#xA;  agree with me here and says its polytheism&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is deeply troubling because it shows that it is important for her children to believe in the Trinity, but shows that he disagrees. You should ask her why she believes they will believe this if best case they are told two contradicting theological ideas (meaning her belief in the Trinity, vs his belief that the Trinity is polytheistic) and worst case one of them will 'win' who gets to teach their children their religious beliefs meaning that the other will be repressed. If the second case is what happens (as this is a real possibility) ask her what she would do if she lost that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually have a question to wrap this up. Is the person she is planning on marrying from the UK as well/ are they planning on living in the UK? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that helps. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5349" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-09T00:54:31.337" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T00:54:31.337" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T19:54:28.337" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer the question: &lt;em&gt;How do I respectfully decline?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Spin it to their understanding, and &lt;em&gt;don’t participate&lt;/em&gt;. Sitting in a chapel while everyone is standing up and sitting down and holding hands, etc? Just sit. Everyone wants to pray? Do nothing. (It would be respectful to cross your hands in your lap or in front of you and continue to sit or stand silently.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the vast majority of cases you should be able to remain without drawing too much attention or being disrespectful. Most people can accept that, even if they don’t like it. In those cases where you think it would be disruptive, excuse yourself to go stand to the side/in the back/outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the spin, think of ways to explain it such that you express respectful understanding and deliberate refusal:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I am happy for the bride/groom/couple/my friends, but I don’t feel comfortable engaging in this kind of activity when I don’t know if I believe.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don’t wish to stand apart, but I feel pretty strongly about not being false by participating. I am still here because I love my friends and wish to support them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the concern about angry/agitated responses, remember, spin it to their understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I’m sorry, but I don’t want to offend God by acting as if I believe.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, I guess I still don’t know if I can believe. You’ll have to give me some time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These responses make it clear that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your &lt;em&gt;belief&lt;/em&gt; is part of the issue&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You aren’t trying to be disrespectful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You care about your friends&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Now isn’t the best time to try to convince you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That last point might need some reiteration if people press you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I’m sorry, but I’m really uncomfortable with [your] religion right now. I guess I just need a lot of time to think it over. Thank you for caring, though.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sure God has a plan for me. Maybe someday I’ll figure it out.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are just suggestions. Think about how you want to phrase them so that they play to others’ understandings without compromising your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4106" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T19:54:28.337" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T20:20:43.427" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Going to 1-2 church occasions is a formative experience, it may be fun to do if they sing and dance and the energy or the debate is good, which is exceptionally possible, you don't have to be Christian to go there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I am not christened, I am an Atheist&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I am a Quaker/ Buddhist/ other&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Thanks very much, I like to study and do art-work&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Thanks very much I pray in my own time every evening, i dont&#xA;personally, go to church&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;No thanks, enjoy your prayer&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;No thanks, Really, enjoy yourselves&quot; &quot;No I am watching ... on TV&#xA;later &quot; &quot;No thanks, I am going this way now&quot; change place...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;No thanks, have you seen the weather forecast for tomorrow?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;No thanks, that's a nice shirt, where did you buy it?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;No thanks, God is very wonderful, for me he helps me especially for&#xA;moral guidance&quot; bye now...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5356" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-08T20:37:43.860" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:37:43.860" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3568" CreationDate="2017-09-08T20:40:04.493" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I let a friend and their girl friend move in with my husband and myself temporally because they would have been homeless otherwise. What started off as a short term fix ended up being them living at our house for about 5 months while myself and my husband tried to help them navigate what would be the best solution for them. Both of these people had no marketable skills, and only one was employed part time. They were both living a large distance away from their friends and family and were under the impression for quite some time that they would be able to buy a house and move to a place where they had no connections, had never been to, had no jobs waiting, and had no money saved(also 'the place' changed frequently). They also both suffered from various forms of psychological disorders, so I feel your pain. (long story short we worked out that the best solution for them was to move back to the town where their family was, and where they could both get jobs and afford rent). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggestions: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I would suggest is to break up his problems into smaller pieces. When people who have a hard time dealing with emotional stability feel overwhelmed it can exacerbate things and trigger them more frequently. If you start by breaking up each of his problems into small pieces and try to find a solution to each of them, you can then organize them into what should be tackled first and this might help him make progress. I have no idea what kind of a job he is looking for but when I lived in the UK I got a job as a cleaner as a holdover during tough times. If you break his problems out and have him using something like &lt;a href=&quot;http://selfauthoring.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;future authoring&lt;/a&gt; it might help him put things in perspective and set some long term goals to look forward to. I think once you have him break his problems out into small pieces, and then come up with possible solutions for each, and work out a goal for him to work towards he will probably start to feel better and will have a greater chance of getting a job. Another thing he could do is look for temporary online jobs, or try to get a job with a temp agency just in the short term. It might also help to ask him for help, in the sense that if you are just about financially maxed out it might make him feel like he has accomplished something if you sit down together and he tries to help you with your budget to see if there are any places that he can help save you some money(ie, could you do something like cut your food budget by having him cook/budget all meals until he has a job using something like &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.budgetbytes.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;budget bites&lt;/a&gt;) . &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, I'm sure if you work together you can both work this out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5349" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:40:04.493" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3568" CreationDate="2017-09-08T20:54:39.163" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are in a difficult situation. On one hand you care about your friend and want to help him on the other hand this has had both a financial and an emotional cost for you. You might feel you are responsible for him because he has nobody else. I can understand that. He does, too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling your friend you won't be able to financially support him isn't going to make your friend change his mind about you and you shouldn't feel guilty (if you do) that you aren't able to help and there is no need to apologize or explain why you can't. You actually both feel bad because of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend knows you care about him and he feels bad for not being able to help himself. But he honestly might not be able to, if he's depressed. I don't know if he sees a therapist but he probably needs to until he feels strong enough to support himself whether he will find a job or not. &#xA;So, you can sit down and look for jobs together like Crazy Cucumber suggested, which I find an excellent idea but perhaps you could also mention that he might need psychological support at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your housemates have agreed to let your friend stay with them if you help pay for him. Are you able to do that at all? If yes, then &lt;strong&gt;give him a deadline&lt;/strong&gt;. Do emphasize that you care about him and you will be supportive but that you can't help past so and so month or week (date). This might help motivate him. He knows that he needs to be more persistent about looking for/getting a job.&#xA;If you can only help for another two weeks, then this is the deadline.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate you care about your friend, but &lt;strong&gt;you shouldn't have to go through this alone&lt;/strong&gt;. I know there are social workers out there (social services should be part of the UK's NHS) that could offer some help. &#xA;Your friend feels he is a burden because he understands you feel drained like you said. I wouldn't tell him how this has felt for you because he knows and it will make him feel even worse. He just probably feels helpless and that's why &lt;strong&gt;I strongly encourage you to look into both social services and services for immigrants&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, if your friend is doing better (psychologically) and if you feel that all he needs help with is finding a job, then focus on helping him with that the next week or so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T20:54:39.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3604" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T23:34:50.023" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like I'm from a completely different part of the US from you, so this might not be super helpful. Most of the people where I am who are religious just want to be allowed to practice their faith publicly in some capacity, and at least from all the people I've met, have no desire to make others feel uncomfortable or like they have to join in. I don't think people would mind if you told them you wanted to sit out or if you just excused yourself for a few moments and went back to the room, or wherever once they were done. If you feel comfortable being in the same room, once again I don't think anyone would have a problem with your not 'participating', meaning you should feel free to not bow your head/close your eyes/say amen. I recognize that there are religious people who are more totalitarian leaning(as there are people like this in all groups) and if you encounter someone who is confrontational if you choose not to participate, or starts to ask you multiple questions about your faith(or lack of) that you don't want to participate in, its completely appropriate to say that you don't feel comfortable discussing that, and then change the subject or walk away. I think most people would recognize that the freedom that allows them to publicly display their faith exempts you from having to participate in it. Purely out of curiosity can I ask what region of the US you are in? I only ask because like I said, I haven't experienced this myself but this is most likely attributable to regional differences as PEW says approximately &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.pewforum.org/2015/05/12/americas-changing-religious-landscape/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;70%&lt;/a&gt; of Americans identify as Christians. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5349" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T23:34:50.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-08T23:58:49.193" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not a Christian but I had to attend church when I didn't really want to and I had to participate in prayers like the ones you are describing because my boyfriend's parents were Catholics. This usually happened during Thanksgiving and Christmas. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your dilemma seems to be to either respect those around you who are religious or yourself who is not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to be respectful, but to me, pretending to believe in their&#xA;  religion would be disrespectful.&#xA;  I feel like I shouldn't do any of those three things, since my&#xA;  understanding of them is that they are all indicative of respect for&#xA;  God and Jesus, and I can't respect something I don't believe in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do want to respect the people around me, however.&#xA;  How should I behave to be the most respectful of the people around me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your last question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By participating in the prayer the way you have been, without thinking about it too much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, how strict are you about your non belief? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody had forced me to participate when I did. All I did was hold hands and wait for it to finish. I didn't bow my head nor said anything. It didn't bother me though and you know why? Because &lt;strong&gt;I knew why I was doing it. I wasn't doing it because I believed in it, I was doing it out of respect to those around me who meant something to me.&lt;/strong&gt; And whose feelings at the time I wouldn't want to hurt.&#xA;It felt harmless to just hold hands and sit quiet for a minute. I felt I would be making it a bigger deal if I told them I won't be participating because it's against my beliefs or non beliefs. &#xA;I had the option, I could have used it but I chose not to. And had I used it I would most likely have to deal with questioning, criticism, and a temporary feeling of alienation and isolation. Did I want to go through explaining why I won't be taking part? No. Could I have brought it up some other time? Possibly. I have done it with really close relatives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My participation didn't affect me in any way afterwards. I felt good with myself again because I knew why I did it. To minimize damage. I still didn't believe. No harm done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T23:58:49.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-08T23:59:41.070" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;My dad always used to say &quot;the issue is never the issue&quot;. I think the fact that your husband is giving unsolicited advice is not the issue. It's the fact that you have tried to correct this and find a compromise and he's just told you &quot;this is how I am&quot;. In other words, you've told him he's causing you pain and he's unwilling to stop. This is a red flag. Other examples you give paint a picture of this being a theme, not a one off. He obviously has good qualities (right?) or you would not have married him in the first place. But he's told you he won't change and you should take him at his word, if only because that makes planning for the future easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to find unilateral ways of dealing with this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've already mentioned the easiest which is to not discuss these things. But this isn't the kind of relationship you want so this is not a good suggestion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may try going to a relationship counselor solo. S/he will have a perspective that strangers on the Internet like me won't.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't tolerate snarky comments and name calling. Once he goes ad hominem in an argument he's stopped trying to be a problem solver.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Under the assumption that things may never change, decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend the rest of your life in.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with @Discord that this could be a sign of depression on your husband's part. You may want to consider if/how you would bring up that possibility with your Husband.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in a demographically very similar marriage. I can tell you though that relationships don't have to be this way, no matter what the gender stereotypes say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5376" LastActivityDate="2017-09-08T23:59:41.070" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-09T00:33:04.680" Score="12" Body="&lt;h2&gt;This sounds like a problem that can be solved&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, your husband likes solving problems; maybe he can help solve the problem of his own tendency to try to solve problems when a solution isn't being asked for.  He should know best what will work for &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt;.  Catch him at a time when neither one of you are stressed and talk about this very subject, but this time, allow him to come up with ideas for solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Learn the concept of &quot;holding space&quot;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learn about, and teach your partner, about the concept of &quot;holding space.&quot; Here is a short article, written by a man and intended for men with the same issue: &lt;a href=&quot;https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/mans-guide-to-holding-space-slake/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;A Man's Guide to Holding Space&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Holding space goes beyond listening because it requires us to hear the other person, have empathy and not make make the situation about us by trying to ‘give insight’ fix or ‘offer advice.’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once he learns that holding space &quot;is a thing,&quot; and that there are patterns and practices involved in holding space, a good engineer will find ways to adapt his behaviors to the patterns. It's possible he doesn't know what you mean when you tell him you just want him to listen emphatically, and seeing or reading about how others do it could be very instructive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Try to be positive&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Solving problems, instead of immersing yourself in the emotions they cause, is actually a positive attitude. Try to appreciate that positivity, even when his advice isn't very good. At the very least it is proof that he is actually listening-- you can't solve a problem you haven't heard-- and remember to have gratitude. There are many partners out there who will just pretend to listen when they honestly don't care, so you're lucky in that respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can still ask your partner to change the way he interacts with you, but never forget to be thankful for whatever compassion he is capable of giving in his own way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2029" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T00:33:04.680" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-09T00:36:33.313" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wish I could share the video we watched during marriage class. It's a drop dead simple ringer. It works like this, paraphrases. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Husbands, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When our wives have a problem, we want to fix it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When we tell our wives about a problem, we want them to fix it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wives,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When their husbands tell them about a problem, they want them to accept it and feel sympathy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When they tell their husbands about a problem, they want them to accept it and feel sympathy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It goes on to state that as husbands we should be willing to listen to a problem, and not try and fix it. The old joke of just going &quot;yep&quot; is likely to get you in less trouble then trying to actually fix the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also states that wives, need to be more action taking then they feel like they should be. When the guys say they're thirsty, what they really mean is that they want you to go get a drink for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was said in jest, as a joke, in a funny way that I can't carry across here, but I (as a husband) always remember it when my wife starts to complain about something that has gone wrong in her day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you see a similar video, or just have him read this thread. It's not that we don't want to help. It's that we don't understand that &quot;fixing it&quot; is going &quot;yep, that does sound tough&quot; and not going out and moving the boulder ourselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="19880" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T13:40:56.277" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T13:40:56.277" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3610" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3616" CreationDate="2017-09-09T01:10:48.593" Score="32" ViewCount="6051" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am pretty allergic to smoking and often come across people in public, public transport and in gatherings, etc. who carelessly smoke without caring about their environment. This issue gets more serious when you are in a public transport and can't escape it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.ndu.edu.pk/temp/Prohibition-Smoking-Ordinance2002.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Anti-smoking act, 2002&lt;/a&gt; passed here in Pakistan according to which smoking in universities, public places and transport is prohibited and punishable by heavy fine and even jail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I admit that this protocol is followed in universities, but highly &lt;a href=&quot;http://nation.com.pk/lahore/18-Oct-2014/anti-smoking-law-going-up-in-smoke&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;abused&lt;/a&gt; on public transport. Now, Pakistani law and order is too fragile and slow process that I can't waste my months just to get a &quot;culprit&quot; fined/jailed - once I was in train and under the &quot;No Smoking &quot; sign a man was smoking shamelessly. I asked him to respect the rule but got pretty rude reply, &quot;Call anyone you would like to!&quot;. There was a train Police inspector and I brought it to his attention but he acted as if he was deaf.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So law &amp;amp; order here is a separate chapter, I would like to know a way to politely resolve this matter. Please note that smokers (unsure about elsewhere) here are pretty stubborn and this method should not be over-polite/too soft to affect, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-09T01:52:49.097" LastActivityDate="2018-12-22T18:16:19.847" Title="How to politely tell someone &quot;No Smoking here&quot;?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;&lt;smoking-vaping&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3611" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-09T01:22:18.550" Score="10" ViewCount="937" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; I started a new job about two months ago in a new city. I've been getting to know people decently, I suppose. There are a couple people whose company I really enjoy, though I don't know either of them super well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I should mention that, even having just moved aside, I have no real friend groups, and I honestly can't remember the last time I spent time with someone outside of some sort of professional or school context, so I have very little &quot;experience.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, work is really my only social outlet. Is it inappropriate to ask a coworker to spend time together outside of the office? The thing is, I don't drink, and I find bars unsettling to be in (to the extent that the last and only time I was in one, I had a panic attack) so asking someone to catch a drink after office work isn't an option. Honestly, I just enjoy conversation, so I'd be fine with doing just about anything (besides the aforementioned, obviously). I just have no idea how to even approach the subject matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5383" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-09T02:03:06.317" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T19:58:25.350" Title="Inviting colleague from work to hang out outside office hours" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3547" CreationDate="2017-09-09T01:33:46.623" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like someone else has pointed out, a muslim married a non-muslim and their child was an atheist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't really control on what religion the child chooses at the end of your day, Michael Bisping a UFC fighter said it best. He's an atheist but he won't preach that to his children, they are free to choose whatever religion they want. I think that's the approach those two could easily take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the chance of a deadlock happening could be high, depending on how stern her boyfriend is on the beliefs, as JoeTaxpayer stated: &quot;The simple answer is &quot;you don't.&quot; Regardless of the situation, people who are in love aren't going to break it off for the fact a friend tells one of them &quot;it won't work.&quot; If you push the issue, you are likely to lose a friend.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how you put it, she would most likely not listen to your advice. The parents probably pressed the same issue you have regarding religion, etc... and you know the outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, there is no right or wrong way to approach this as long as you don't push the issue. You were concerned about your friend and tried to warn her but at the end of the day its for that couple to figure it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5384" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T01:33:46.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-09T01:35:58.543" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is such a commonly recurring problem, yet so hard to fix!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had indeed found myself offering to my ex-girlfriend suggestions and advices that were, now in the hindsight, essentially half-baked. We've had instances where &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;discussions&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; on certain &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;problems&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; escalated quickly into &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;arguments&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; (not really insults), with both of us feeling that the other is being insensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We knew we both loved each other dearly and didn't want our relationship to suffer because of such (&lt;i&gt;trivial?&lt;/i&gt;) issues, that can really be avoided to a large extent with a bit of restraint and consideration. We devised a way, and decided to pen down and exchange 4-5 suggestions on behavior improvement that we wanted to see in each other. The suggestions, after a brief discussion, would then be combined to form a consolidated &lt;b&gt;Agreement Proposal&lt;/b&gt; (of course, nothing &lt;em&gt;legal&lt;/em&gt; about it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll share a couple of things that were a part of the proposal we both agreed upon:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Being considerate about talking the things out that any of us wants to discuss, with an attempt to be subjective about the matter than the individual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Providing constructive feedback without hesitations — whenever necessary — and being receptive to the same if it comes from the other end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;OUR RELATIONSHIP should always be on top of everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; &lt;b&gt;Important&lt;/b&gt;: Do not cite specific examples of any previous situations in this &amp;quot;agreement&amp;quot; proposition. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also like to add one final suggestion... And I admit, this may sound a bit like &lt;em&gt;compromising&lt;/em&gt; sometimes. However, if it works with someone, then it might truly have far reaching effects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An emotionally charged &lt;b&gt;confrontation&lt;/b&gt; with a &lt;b&gt;smart person&lt;/b&gt; doesn't usually achieve the desired goal of making them realise that they were on the wrong foot. The reason being: in the light on an argument, for someone who's generally calculative and smart, their gut instinct takes over. This further means that &lt;b&gt;ego starts preceding the reason&lt;/b&gt; and &lt;b&gt;emotional sensitivity is shown the door&lt;/b&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The suggestion therefore is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; Politeness &lt;/b&gt; (on your part), in the most heated situations, holds the key to make a smart person realise that they were being &lt;b&gt;wrong&lt;/b&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; After &lt;/b&gt; their rant / unnecessary advice is over, or if it has escalated into arguments and name calling, try to keep your rage under control and with a very soft tone, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;i&gt; I only wanted you to listen to me, {{Name}}.... as a friend, as a {{spouse / partner}}.&lt;/i&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If spoken with real feelings, this is something that can suddenly strike them hard on the inside... with a realisation that... they indeed need to do something, but with an objective to actually &lt;b&gt;fix their own behavior&lt;/b&gt;, and &lt;b&gt;not the problems / world&lt;/b&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, to prevent the situation from reaching the tipping point, possibly defer that conversation for that time, with a &lt;b&gt;humble&lt;/b&gt; request / assurance to get back to it next day, giving both the parties enough room to reflect, cool-down and start anew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this sounds reasonable and can be used to some extent.&#xA;All the very best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T01:35:58.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3615" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3610" CreationDate="2017-09-09T01:37:40.940" Score="-6" Body="&lt;p&gt;OP said that the smoker(s) is stubborn, and rudely responded when asked politely. These approaches, in order in most polite to the rude, but more effective, are solely designed just for that kind of &lt;strong&gt;rude smoker.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If asking nicely (with various reasons) won't work, you will be left with not-too-polite/rude approaches. Depending on &lt;em&gt;how bad you want them to stop smoking&lt;/em&gt;, you &lt;strong&gt;might or might not&lt;/strong&gt; want to do these. These are &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that &lt;strong&gt;you can't accomplish&lt;/strong&gt; this without being a jerk and &lt;strong&gt;risking physical retaliation.&lt;/strong&gt; Though I totally commend those that decide to do this as I can't stand this type of shameless smoker, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Public shaming.&lt;/strong&gt; Call them out loud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sir, you can't smoke here. It is forbidden by the law (&lt;em&gt;optionally you can cite which law&lt;/em&gt;)!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing this, if there is people that also got disturbed by their smoking can give agreement and support your voice. &lt;strong&gt;This is the best course that can turn out,&lt;/strong&gt; because the smoker will be hesitant to retaliate (physically or verbally) and usually leave on the next stop.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Some people might ask you to leave the smoker alone. If this happens, &lt;strong&gt;better back off&lt;/strong&gt; because the smoker might get bold and intimidate you back. If you can't stand the smoke, try to leave the carriage or the train altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take the cigarette and put it off.&lt;/strong&gt; Very, very high chance for retaliation. If you are confident they will not retaliate (maybe your body is bigger), you can try this. However, most other people will see this as excessive and can give an &lt;em&gt;unfavorable testimony&lt;/em&gt; when law is involved.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Put it off. By water.&lt;/strong&gt; Cola works too.&#xA;There's a sign in a school here (I will update with picture if I happen to go there) that roughly translates to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If we see smoke, we will assume that you are on fire and will do anything to help you put it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/suCZG.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/suCZG.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;No Smoking!&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;Thanks Catija!&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is hilarious, and no one ever dared to smoke there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, if you happened to bring a drink, go on and splash it on their face. Same with #2, make sure you are prepared for the possible retaliation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T17:13:56.477" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T17:13:56.477" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3610" CreationDate="2017-09-09T03:35:48.697" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I smoke like a chimney, and to be honest I'm not always entirely considerate about the rules in my country. I wouldn't smoke on a bus or a plane, but if I'm outdoors... Ya... I should probably work on that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My general assumption when people hassle me about smoking is that they &lt;strong&gt;just don't like it.&lt;/strong&gt; Usually the worst cases are former smokers on crusade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said I try to be considerate when people have legitimate health issues, asthma, allergic reactions, small children and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be worth mentioning your allergy when you have to confront an inconsiderate smoker like myself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry to be a bother, but I have a terrible allergy to smoke. Would you mind putting it out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Framing it as a request rather than a demand often makes a difference in how people react.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a rescue inhaler, it tends to remove any doubt as to whether you're being pushy or have a legitimate issue. Take it out and give it a shake. But whatever you do, don't fake a cough. We know when people are faking it, and it just comes across as pretentious and can lead to unnecessary push back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-22T18:16:19.847" LastActivityDate="2018-12-22T18:16:19.847" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-09T03:56:01.767" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is likely not applicable in your exact situation, but if it's the manner of speech that piques your curiosity, and if you can honestly say the following, then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I love your accent!  Where are you from?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is a great way to convey friendliness and curiosity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I originally got this idea from &lt;a href=&quot;https://learn-russian.language101.com/how-to-learn-russian/is-she-russian/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;an article about language learning&lt;/a&gt; many years ago:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...immigrants and travelers sometimes aren’t treated very well. To reassure them that you mean well, here’s what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something like, “I like your accent; where are you from?” This lets them you you are friendly, and it lets them know that they should tell you about growing up in Moscow, not about the apartment where they now live in New York City.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1919" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T03:56:01.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3547" CreationDate="2017-09-09T04:13:15.107" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an Indian and there are many religions here, so I can confidently assure you that &lt;strong&gt;there is no easy, comfortable and friendship-saving way to tell somebody that their inter-religious marriage won't work&lt;/strong&gt; -- and that is simply because a couple that has decided (or is seriously considering) to embark on such a potentially controversial life decision will probably not be much influenced by anybody's well-intentioned questions or arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is our widespread social experience here that &lt;em&gt;inter-faith marriages carry tremendous stress&lt;/em&gt;, but a committed couple will make it work, because their alliance founded on mutual love and affection is often found strong enough to withstand social and family pressures. &lt;em&gt;I have seen many inter-faith couples to be less interested in religion as such, and more interested in each other!&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Which is a very good basis for any relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;  I suppose this would be true in UK and also other parts of the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can easily understand that you wanted to caution your friend about how tough the road lies ahead, but &lt;strong&gt;unpopular advice is also unwelcome&lt;/strong&gt;, in any aspect of human life, so whenever we try to convince someone to abandon a course of action that &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; have almost committed to, we run the risk of losing a friend. That doesn't invalidate your advice by any means but it is simply the way of the world and therefore inevitable (in such sensitive matters) that when the advice is rejected, the friendship is also lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that the event is past, you might only ask yourself whether you should have chosen &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to counsel your friend against the marriage. If that would have gone against your sense of integrity, then you have nothing to regret, IMHO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-09-09T05:12:17.237" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T05:12:17.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3534" CreationDate="2017-09-09T08:33:13.703" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;first let me say to you that you are a good person because you cannot stand anyone hurting your parents in anyway. Bad people have no respect for their parents. You want to be angry at your parents not because you dislike them, but because you cannot stand and watch your parents take people's hits all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your desire for anger does not stem from hate, but from love. I don't know your parents but I believe they are good people because it takes great strength and a good heart to forgive offenses all the time, even from the same offenders every now and then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you perceive your parents' forgiveness as a weakness which may result in greater pain for them later in life, but from my bitter experience in life, anger and vengeance in any kind is a KILLER, even though they may seem like very just ways to restore the things you've lost. Peace in life is not found in the chaos or complications of hate, revenge or fear. It is found in the simplicity of kindness, forgiveness and contentment with what you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I believe your parents realize that and therefore are always forgiving, because they know where peace really is and I know peace is also what you truly want for them too. Take care bro and whatever you do in life, don't try to learn things the hard way or else you will just end up in pain and regrets written in ink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5393" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-09T09:14:39.117" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T09:14:39.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3622" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3625" CreationDate="2017-09-09T10:51:49.293" Score="12" ViewCount="2412" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a growing friendship. I hope we call it a strong friendship soon. It's mostly based on a common goal, but also a commitment of support. This is not in a professional context at all, this is a personal friend. There is no romantic or financial involvement either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend has unveiled to me the truth behind a mystery I've always wondered about, and it is a bit of a tragedy in their past. The truth was simultaneously shocking in how awful it was, but unsurprising as it very much fit into place with everything else I know about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After my friend finished explaining, I feel like the openness bodes well to our commitment, but the facts were still very grim. I expressed my sincere sympathy for the tragedy by saying &quot;I'm so sorry&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are one of the strongest people I know though. Perhaps their reaction shouldn't have surprised me. My friend's reaction was bordering on offense, and they expressed that they don't want my pity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now certainly I meant nothing negative with my expression of sympathy. It was not to look down on them, or frame them as hopeless. It was just sincere sympathy for the very sad thing that had happened. At best, I can shrug this off, pretend the interaction didn't mean much... and that's what I did, for now. But at worst, I feel like (1) they don't care if I care, (2) they are not interested in even the lightest possible support (even though that is the basis of our friendship), or (3) I find my own self bordering on irritation in response to their irritation. The irritated part of me asks &quot;Why would someone reject sincere sympathy like that?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to respond to such an interaction, ideally leaving sincere intentions correctly expressed, positively internalized, and nobody irritated?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5398" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T14:32:23.583" Title="How to respond to rejected sympathy?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;rejection&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-09T11:22:43.723" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a little experience with this. I think there is one major key factor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do the groups this happen in know your preference on the matter? e.g. do they realize you are a non-believer in their Christianity?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are not aware that you are culturally removed from this ritual, then I'm certain they don't mean anything bad by inviting you to participate. If you would like them to remain unaware of how removed you are from this, then my insight to offer ends here. You'll have to decide for yourself how much you want to blend in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To speak from my own experience, I was a closet non-believer for 6 months before finding my footing enough to let my family know. For the period I desired to remain closeted, I would participate in prayers, but only in the most token effort. After gaining confidence in my beliefs and non-beliefs at the time and finally letting the truth be open to my loved ones, things changed. They still invite me to participate in prayers and such, but with my stance clearly communicated to them, I have clear boundaries and lines. Politeness is obviously key. Politely decline participation when you do not want to participate, but if they pressure you more, then stay politely assertive that this is not something you will participate in. You do not owe anyone an explanation, you can say it is for personal reasons. If you keep the interaction friendly, light hearted, and polite enough, yet assertive enough, most people will let you go. That plus showing respect for the rights of others to participate as they see fit, usually everyone comes out happy. As time goes on, it just becomes normal to everyone that you do not participate in these seconds or minutes of ritual. It will become normal, be easier to hold your lines, and it will be less awkward over time as people adjust. Confidence is a huge (read: mega-huge) non-verbal signal in social interaction. Just be confident in whether you want to participate or not, but also make it easy on yourself and others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5398" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T11:22:43.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3622" CreationDate="2017-09-09T12:12:19.687" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it's best to not openly sympathize, that is, some people don't like being looked at with a sympathetic eye.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the friend has made that clear, it is best to leave that subject, and get back to other things, and avoid possibly bringing up a discussion about this sad event again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is based on my experience dealing with sad people. Sometimes it's best to delay or avoid a talk about a sad event. Give them some space, in this regard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Soon, the friend will be back to being the usual with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everyone will react the same way though. Sometimes the complete opposite is the best thing. Some people want to talk about sad things to get some relief, to share the burden with a friend, but some people tend to store away their emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T12:12:19.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3622" CreationDate="2017-09-09T12:26:42.850" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best response is not to your friend, but inside of you: You need to understand, if your friend was telling you a story, and &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;didn't want any pity,&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; then what motivated them to tell you the story?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The impact of the story pushed you into an emotional response, but the irritation of your friend likely arose because you didn't get the point; there was some &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; reason for telling you this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had a similar reaction (as your friend) in the past. I've had multiple (separate) murders in my family, disabling accidents, drug addicted siblings and more. Because of my position (a professor and researcher with a few successful businesses) people often assume I &lt;em&gt;&quot;don't know what's like&quot;&lt;/em&gt; to grow up on the wrong side of the tracks. I do. I did. I spent three years of high school working six hours after school, washing dishes and cleaning toilets, and 100% of that money paid bills for my family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when somebody intimates I can't sympathize, if I tell my story it is not to elicit sympathy, it is out of anger to shut down a fool that has assumed too much from my appearance, and thinks they know something I don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am not saying your friend was angry,&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; I'm just providing an example from my own experience, and saying it seems to me if they weren't seeking &lt;em&gt;sympathy&lt;/em&gt; then they likely had some other motivation for sharing. To prove expertise, to make a point you missed, to explain to you what to expect from them as a guide to your future behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your &quot;response&quot; should be to understand their motivation, so you can let go of your own irritation. I'm not sure the air needs to be cleared at all, if you can stand leaving it alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, if &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;it were me&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; in this situation and I felt I must clear the air, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; would apologize for misreading the situation and seek some clarification of why the story was told. If my friend was still sensitive about it, I'd accept that I may never understand; and steer clear of the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T12:26:42.850" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3626" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3588" CreationDate="2017-09-09T12:34:36.797" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Its a long process. First, identify her's along time and where she will be. And try to talk to her with very common question or comments, as both of you had short greeting. Find some common interest. Like talk about lunch if both of you take lunch from same source. Or it may be about a office activity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After these kind of question for 1month (approx), you may ask talk something about her. Like, what she will do in this Durga puja or where does she live?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to impress her. If all goes right, then you can ask her out. But remember its a long time process. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5269" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T12:34:36.797" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3622" CreationDate="2017-09-09T14:32:23.583" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are all kinds of friendships, but let's assume we're talking about a deep friendship which is built on mutual trust, respect, understanding/empathy, shared interests/purpose, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that you don't understand just happened. I would be confused and unsure of my footing going forward, which would cause me some anxiety. I would want to understand what I did wrong, so I could incorporate that into my deeper understanding of my friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also want to be respectful of my friend's feelings, especially given that this was a surprise reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask them why they reacted the way they did. It will answer the questions about the friendship that you now have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pick a time when the two of you are alone, there's no agenda to be met, things are casual and peaceful. Tell them something has been puzzling you, and ask if you can ask them a question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is still angry at your (seemingly appropriate) empathetic response, they might bring it up themselves at this point and tell you something helpful. If they just say, &quot;Yes,&quot; ask them in a non-accusatory way what happened. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you told me about [x] and I said I was sorry, I offended you, which sincerely wasn't my intention. Can you tell me what I did wrong so that I might understand and hopefully not repeat it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important that you own that you did somehow offend them, not making the mistake of blaming them for their offense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they respond defensively again, it will be hard not to pull back emotionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll be able (I hope) to learn a lot from the response, including if this friendship can continue to grow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Terrible things are still terrible 20 years later, even if the 'victim' has dealt with it. Expressing sympathy is not inappropriate. Being strong is not the same as being hard. Part of being hard is to be on the offense. The best defense is a good offense.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T14:32:23.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3611" CreationDate="2017-09-09T14:56:53.450" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I completely understand where you are coming from , since I am the same way. I am in a new job as well and have moved to a new city with a different culture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since , you have already talked to quite a few people and are getting to know them , you might know their interests as well , which is definitely something that comes up in many conversations . &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example , if your colleague Bob shares your interest in video games or bowling. You could ask him &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob ! What are your plans for the weekend ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob responds with his plans&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If your not doing anything on Sunday , maybe you could come over to my place and we could play some Call of Duty ? What do you say ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Planning to go bowling this Sunday , since you love bowling , I would like to invite you to join me and we could grab some dinner afterwards. What say ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I saw a new sports cafe open at XYZ street , would you like to check it out this weekend. I heard they have bowling too !! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is how I would approach any of my colleagues if I wanted to ask them to hang out with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3922" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T14:56:53.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3629" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-09-09T15:16:57.733" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are doing most of the right things but I will nevertheless add my &quot;recipe&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once read an interview with an actor about stage fright.  His take on it was something like &quot;I'm always nervous.  If I'm not nervous 5 minutes before a show, not being nervous makes me nervous.  It's all about control, not about getting rid of nervousness.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing to remember is that, however, well you prepare, the delivery rarely goes according to &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; plan.  However, the audience rarely knows your plan, so things that look like a stumble to you will not, in general, look like a stumble to the audience.  In other words, the audience judges the actual performance based on what they see, whereas you judge your own performance based on your own idealized version of the presentation.  As a result, things are rarely as bad as the presenter thinks they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, admit that delivery is subject to random &quot;disruptions&quot;.  Maybe a person in the front row will annoy you by playing with a pencil, maybe there will be no chalk for the board, maybe the bulb of the projector will burn.  I remember a lecture where I had brought coloured chalk sticks, which all fell on the floor and broke when I leaned over to pick up a piece of paper... in front of 135 students.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While perfect delivery cannot be guaranteed, what you can control is the &lt;em&gt;contents&lt;/em&gt; of your presentation.  If your handwriting is difficult to read, make slides in standard fonts.  Make sure that figures are large and clear to be well understood, etc.  You can be forgiven for imperfect delivery, but not for imperfect preparation of the contents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that less is more: a presentation is good once you have &lt;em&gt;removed&lt;/em&gt; from it all that makes it &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, practice practice practice.  Experience shows that speakers tend to get tripped when they think they forgot something and want to ad lib additional material at some point in the presentation.  If you have prepared your material well, and have practiced your presentation, you will know that a particular argument will be brought up later and you can avoid wandering too far off-script.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, practice gives you confidence about the pace of your delivery.  If you have gone through the presentation a few times, you will &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that you don't need to rush through to finish in the allotted time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friends rarely want to be critical so film yourself. These days you can easily do this with an iPad or a cell phone so you can get an audience perspective of your presentation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourth, stick to the script.  This complement the previous point.  If you prepared the material well, and are confident about the contents of your presentation, bullet points with complete or partial sentences will keep you on the right path and will prevent you from ad libbing into an unprepared territory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fifth, watch some talks at all levels and try to dissect why you like some talks and not others.  Focus on the amount and technical level of the material, the speed of the delivery, how &quot;cluttered&quot; is the presentation, and other such factors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5410" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-09T15:31:52.030" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T15:31:52.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3588" CreationDate="2017-09-09T17:41:21.387" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I have sometimes done when a woman doesn't want to talk to me is to talk to her friends, particularly &quot;women&quot; friends, &lt;em&gt;instead.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the sound of it, this woman declines to make judgments about you (or other men) on her own, and is highly influenced by her reference points, parents and friends. The latter could make and certainly can break you. Your hope is that her friends will give her &quot;good reports&quot; on you, making it more likely that she will want to talk to you on her own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More to the point, by talking to her woman friends, you may find a suitable replacement for her from the same &quot;demographic.&quot; And if this doesn't work, maybe it's a sign you're in the wrong demographic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am reminded of a story of a woman who spent a year &quot;strutting her stuff&quot; before a man's friends, while scrupulously avoiding the man himself (directly). At the end of the year, she did not get the (original) man, but had won the interest of several of his friends, allowing her to pick and choose among them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; There are some critical comments below on an earlier version of this answer. This is the new, improved answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2020-04-30T19:11:14.000" LastActivityDate="2020-04-30T19:11:14.000" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3547" CreationDate="2017-09-09T17:45:35.317" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First the good part -- You cared enough about her that you were willing to sacrifice the friendship in order to help prevent her from making a terrible mistake.  Good for you.  I think that if someone is a really good friend, they should be willing to make that sacrifice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the bad part -- When you said &quot;I suggested her to revise her decision to marry a Muslim as it's not going to work....&quot; what you did was put her into a position where she felt that she had to choose between you and her boyfriend, and she chose her boyfriend.  The downside to this is that you lost the friendship and also lost your ability to try to influence her.  The difficulty with your suggestion is that it's the most dramatic possible solution to the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should have done was to simply stick with the theme that you mentioned about religious decisions and suggested that it would be much better to work this issue out prior to the marriage.  You could just have stuck with this theme and other related themes.  As long as you didn't get too pushy she would probably have allowed you to present that point of view to her.  You might have been able to discuss this with her on many occasions. She might have come to accept that, and then when she discussed this with her boyfriend enough times, she might have eventually come to the conclusion that she shouldn't marry him.  In order for this to have been successful, the idea that she shouldn't marry him should have been first spoken by her and not by you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4481" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T17:45:35.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3636" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4600" CreationDate="2017-09-09T20:02:39.643" Score="9" ViewCount="3785" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Someone asked me in a comment, what is my role in all this? Good question. I am not at all close with Aunt but I am close with my cousin (son of Aunt) and he needs help to keep his mother and mother-in-law peaceable. Unfortunately, he is a member at Stack Overflow under his real name and he feels vaguely disloyal to his mother to ask this question here himself. Call it Indian Sentiment, but it's all right because I have sent him the link and he will read all your advice himself, to help him act as an effective mediator and quickly resolve this interpersonal conflict!&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My aunt has gone to the USA to visit her son who emigrated in 2007 and has recently married an American girl (not of Asian origin) whose family belongs to California. My cousin and his wife live in LA and her parents live nearby in the same city.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aunt entered straightaway into a misunderstanding with her daughter-in-law's mother, and this rather famous type of Indian traditional rivalry was precipitated by an incident involving a cat whose name is not Kitty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My cousin had got married in India in 2015 and the bride's parents did not bring their cat. So my aunt was aware of it but had not yet met this pet. She has no experience of cats and nor do I -- most cats in India are feral and very independent beasts and Aunt's sole previous pet was a little dog named Roger (name changed to Tinky after a famous sportsperson of the original name rose to justified greatness in the mid-2000s; Tinky is now 15 and lives with Aunt's daughter in Bangalore.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Incident: When Aunt visited her in-laws in LA she pounced upon their cat and gathered it up into her arms saying O Kitty Kitty -- the cat apparently spat in her face (which may be an exaggeration that Aunt isn't incapable of) and scratched her nicely. Do cats resent being called 'Kitty'?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now Aunt and her daughter-in-law's mother are embarked upon the Second Cold War. Aunt blames them for 'snaring her son' for whom she had been lining up prospective brides in India; and the son's mother-in-law (who might as well be called Alice) considers my aunt a reckless and stupid person who doesn't even know how to approach a pet. She has no negative attitude to my cousin's marriage but finds his mother a handful. Her husband Tom does nothing but play golf. Aunt blames Alice for her getting scratched:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Indians consider a guest as next to gods but this person allowed her cat to scratch me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The scratch is deep and I have seen its picture on whatsapp. It is healing well enough. The cat has ignored my aunt after this incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Related question: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3429/should-i-always-ask-a-dog-owner-before-i-pet-their-dog&quot;&gt;Should I always ask a dog owner before I pet their dog?&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Kat has asked in comments: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do Aunt and Alice need to interact at all? Is there some reason they can't just avoid each other? – Kat&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason is that Alice and her daughter (my cousin's wife, code name Jane) live close to each other and Alice &amp;amp; Jane keep dropping in at each other's houses, &lt;em&gt;which is a good thing&lt;/em&gt;, except it brings about frequent meetings between Aunt and Alice. Moreover Indians tend to see their son's mother-in-law as a significant relation and there's apparently much covert criticism of Alice by Aunt (and some comments in the opposite direction) that puts my cousin on high alert. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane is luckily the calmest person and ignores all the nonsense. But my cousin is tearing his hair out because he has to get through 5 months before Aunt's visa expires, and Uncle her husband is so abstract as to be useless in this inter-cultural crisis. He has been busy visiting his own Indian friends now living in the USA while Alice and my aunt trade veiled insults and embroil my cousin and his wife in serial controversies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know or blame Alice in any way but my aunt can be a quite unreasonable person. I think she is upset to have zero 'Indian style authority' over her American daughter-in-law nor any customary Indian superiority often enjoyed by being the groom's parent. I am sorry to say that my aunt is showing no initiative to resolve the misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I need help again from the Interpersonal experts: how to help my cousin resolve his mother's problem with Alice and bring Aunt into harmony with her in-laws?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T04:39:58.297" LastActivityDate="2020-09-30T23:01:35.000" Title="How can my cousin restore harmony between his Indian mother and American mother-in-law?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3639" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4339" CreationDate="2017-09-09T20:55:53.000" Score="12" ViewCount="3073" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a &lt;em&gt;tug of war&lt;/em&gt; situation where I can't find a polite way to ask my friend not to take selfies or ask him to delete the ones he has taken even while I refused. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He takes selfies while we are having random conversation. It's not that he is shooting himself and I accidentally appear in background. He specifically includes me in frame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While taking selfie is common in India but I for some reasons don't feel like posing and taking it. I feel it's an intentionally made up moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am also not comfortable with the thought of having my photographs in someone's without my consent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am alright with a group photo or the ones taken with my consent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot just grab his phone and delete those. It would be rude and lead to awkward situation and maybe breakup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking for a polite and rational approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5426" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T16:53:14.327" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T20:05:05.147" Title="How can I ask my close friend to stop taking selfies that include me and to delete the ones he has?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3636" CreationDate="2017-09-09T20:59:01.397" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Allow me to say that reading your story felt like watching a comedy show. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, cats don't resent being called Kitty but they usually don't like being picked up by strangers. Your aunt, who like you said has no experience with cats should have probably avoided pouncing on the cat like that. Your cousin's mother in-law probably either didn't have the chance to warn her or thought not picking up a cat as a stranger, was self-explanatory.&#xA;Nobody is really to blame. The cat's reaction (do we have a name for the cat?) is pretty normal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the underlying problem is that your Aunt doesn't agree with her son's choice that is really a separate story and it's something your cousin and aunt need to talk to about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Perhaps your cousin, his wife, the aunt and the in-laws with their cat should all gather together and just have a laugh about it.(joking) Sorry couldn't resist).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cousin could have a word with his mom, in private, first about the fact that the cat did what all cats would do in her/his situation, tell her that it was not the mother-in-law's fault and second explain his mom that he made his choice about who to marry long time ago, is happy and he would like his mom to feel happy for him, too. Doesn't mom want her son to be happy? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wife or cousin or both, could talk in private with Alice and ask her to be a little more understanding about mom's overreaction and unfamiliarity with cat handling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A mutual apology might be needed if both sides are willing to put their egos aside. It might not happen right away but with enough talking from cousin to mom and cousin's wife to her mom might be all it takes and may it be done with bit of humor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T20:59:01.397" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3641" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3639" CreationDate="2017-09-09T21:49:00.167" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Polite and rational as we want, but since it is not astrophysics and your friend apparently resists to your explicit objections, you may just have to get less polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I don't like having my picture taken. Could you please not do that ?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's polite, but it is also presumably what you already told him. Did it work ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is also as rational as it needs to be. You do not like to be in selfies, period. That is all the explanation that is needed. You must not feel that you need to be excused.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he chooses to be disrespectful and insist, he can well be told in less polite terms. You don't want to be rude, but he already is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All good:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You look like a jackass with that thing.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Piss off.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I AM going to throw that in the Ganges.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3866" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T21:49:00.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3642" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-09T21:54:36.010" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In short, you wish to change your husband. From experience, I can tell you that he very likely does not want to, nay, &lt;em&gt;can not&lt;/em&gt; change this aspect of his character. It is not about him being stupid, non-emphatic or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the currently highest-voted answer asks you to tell your husband just to listen, I'll go one step further: you already &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; how your husband will react. Then the logical step is to avoid saying what will lead to disaster, isn't it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, tell him how you are angry, frustrated, tired or whatever it is that came from your frustrating problem you tried to solve. Don't even mention that problem. He cannot fix what he knows nothing about. Your relationship will not be worse off just because he doesn't know first hand what you did today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared, when you tell him that you are frustrated, that he might try to give you  hints on how to get less frustrated though... but being an engineer, you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that that reaction is coming. Maybe there are things he can do to make you less frustrated (what do I know - cook something for you, whatever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe, &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; maybe, he is simply not the right person to dump your daily problems on. Yes, you have a relationship, yes, there are many reasons for you two to be together, but maybe you need someone else for this kind of talking; and concentrate on finding ways to talk with your husband which do not involve presenting problems that trigger him to help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T21:54:36.010" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3636" CreationDate="2017-09-09T21:55:20.067" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if this is only semantics, but to me it sounds like the premise of the question gets misplaced here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to resolve the problem with Alice....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A rational being can perhaps easily see that the problem is not with Alice, nor the kitty!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;....and bring Aunt into harmony with her in-laws?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your cousin sure might be tearing his hair out at the moment, but he must understand that he's the &lt;em&gt;link&lt;/em&gt; between the two families. And, therefore, whether he likes it or not, he (alone) is in the best position to handle the situation, if it's drifting away from the expected state of harmony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may be suggested to talk to his Mom privately. Break the whole problem down into small, manageable points of contention and then address each independently:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First and foremost — the injury caused by the scratch&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure that the wound has not caused any infection and that it's getting healed properly. This should help in at least conveying the notion that sensitivity towards the injury, and his Mom's wellness is important to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Secondly, cultural differences&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be explained that while the guests are treated with respect everywhere, they are not necessarily considered as &lt;em&gt;next to gods&lt;/em&gt; in too many other countries outside India. At least, not at all costs! So, unless the in-laws have explicitly demonstrated an ill-treatment towards his Mom, there is no rationale in flexing one's muscles for merely being in-laws and guests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Thirdly, unwarranted claims — snaring her son&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does your cousin believe this to be true? If yes, then I'm afraid I don't have anything more to add to the answer, you may please ignore the rest of the text. However, if you are answering that question in negative, then one must ask: can he stand his ground and &lt;em&gt;assertively&lt;/em&gt; state that it was his &lt;em&gt;conscious choice&lt;/em&gt; to get married to the girl he chose? This sentiment / thought must have to be driven out of the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Finally, animal's behavior&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to get your cousin's Mom to agree that, after all, &lt;em&gt;Kitty&lt;/em&gt; is just an animal! And though she can &lt;em&gt;respond&lt;/em&gt; to Alice on occasions (if at all), it isn't as though she'd take a command, devise a plan, and hold a malice / grudge in her heart to &lt;em&gt;intentionally&lt;/em&gt; cause a grievous injury to the lady.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't work out, reverse the plot, based on the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aunt's sole previous pet was a little dog named Roger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aunt blames Alice for her getting scratched. Indians consider a guest as next to gods but this person allowed her cat to scratch me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suggest your cousin to ask his Mom to imagine that Ms. Alice was visiting them in India. Further, ask them to imagine the same scratch, or worse still, a &lt;em&gt;bite&lt;/em&gt; being inflicted upon Ms. Alice by their dear &lt;em&gt;Tinky&lt;/em&gt;. Would she then accept the following conjecture, if it came from Ms. Alice?:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;Indians consider a guest as next to gods, &lt;strong&gt;YET&lt;/strong&gt; this person / family allowed their dog to bite me&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Also, if discussing the matter privately doesn't yield the desired result(s), it might be worthwhile for your cousin to try and get his Dad involved. Of course, the hope here is that, from his busy schedule of catching up with his long lost pals, he might also spend some time to give an ear to his son and maybe distinctively identify for himself as to what is reasonable / logical and what is not. Then, bring Mom and Dad together to carry out the same discussion again. The hope here is that, with two people (from a closely knit group of the same family) agreeing simultaneously, it might help his Mom to open up her mind, or at least tone down her resentment to a good degree.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things to keep in mind when speaking with Mom (and, if required, Dad):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;One can't take the excuse of being a member of particular demography to let the irrational expectations flourish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Attempt to align her / their position closest to how it should really be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be nice and thoughtful while explaining / discussing the whole scenario to / with Mom (and Dad).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for his mother in law (Alice), the only feedback that I might suggest would be around this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice considers my aunt a &lt;em&gt;reckless and stupid&lt;/em&gt; person who doesn't even know how to approach a pet&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be conveyed subtly to Alice that while your cousin's Mom might have been &lt;em&gt;ignorant&lt;/em&gt; in dealing with &lt;em&gt;Kittty&lt;/em&gt; (maybe because of no prior experience with cats), calling her outright reckless and stupid is perhaps a bit of a stretch. Although, this might be best conveyed to Alice by your cousin's wife (for, she too could prove to be a useful &lt;em&gt;link&lt;/em&gt; between the two families).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, the situation can be resolved amicably and the rest of the trip brings up rather pleasant experiences for the two families :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T21:55:20.067" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3547" CreationDate="2017-09-09T22:38:47.720" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Engagement counseling&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Churches and other organizations provide &quot;engagement encounter&quot; sessions where an engaged couple can be walked through the inter-faith issue and many other marital issues in a structured way with a skilled counselor. They cover money, lifestyle, children, and other topics vital to a successful marriage. This can be helpful to any couple, to identify any compatibility problems and work through them ahead of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What could have been the better way of recommending the same thing if you were in my place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have suggested such counseling. I would have framed it as helpful to &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; couple starting a life together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No need to mention your concern over the interfaith issue at all. Leave it to an experienced professional to help them think through the implications.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3094" LastActivityDate="2017-09-09T22:38:47.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3645" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3646" CreationDate="2017-09-10T00:47:44.543" Score="2" ViewCount="1091" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was offered to collaborate as freelancer in the company I used to work (I quitted and I'm working in a different place right now). I was talking with the company owner, who told me that in case I decided to accept the conditions, I'd be put in a different project from before... To make a long story short, now they have notified me that the project is not different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is that I had already accepted verbally (when I spoke with the owner) and said that I have plenty time to spend in any project, but actually &lt;strong&gt;I don't want to be in the same project that was the main cause by which I quitted&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I want to refuse their offer, but I am afraid that it could affect future relations between us if I don't do it properly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I nicely tell them that I don't want to have anything to do with that project but that I'd be will to work in any other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5436" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T06:29:22.387" Title="How to refuse a job offer that I already accepted?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3645" CreationDate="2017-09-10T01:05:11.573" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I would maintain a fine balance between staying polite and natural.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have wrote an Email something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Sir,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you so much for the offer for the (offered position - collaborator I reckon?). I&#xA;  appreciate you taking the time to consider me and for answering so&#xA;  many of my questions about the project and role. While this project seems like a good opportunity in most of the cases, I am afraid it was the same reason which prompted me to quit from here. Despite moving, I still had/have interest to collaborate/work in your (add any word like prestigious etc. which seems suitable) company and hopefully soon there will be a position for me in a new/different project. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T01:05:11.573" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-10T01:25:46.223" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Share a sign between the two of you that you want him to engage listening and not fix things&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every comment has made all of the points about how engineers are trained to fix things and it's hard to switch off, so I'm going to skip that and get to my advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Agree on a sign, maybe a gesture, or some form of contact (Holding hands works if you're sitting down, putting your hands on his shoulders at the start of the conversation works if you're moving around) that between you, means &amp;quot;I want you to listen and not fix now&amp;quot;. Just make sure you don't accidentally condescend when you agree on the sign, it's probably easy to sound like you're teaching a dog, you're both adults here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2595" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T01:25:46.223" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3653" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="439" CreationDate="2017-09-10T04:06:15.147" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the others have said, let your friend know, from time to time, that you are available and haven't forgotten that they exist, but I would add to &lt;strong&gt;let the friend pick what kind of activity&lt;/strong&gt; (maybe there's some reason why it's better not to go out, be in crowds, or do something exhausting, right now: yes, it's possible to find going out for coffee exhausting; I do). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend might have a different reason for their behavior than you did. They might have a different reason for not going out than I do (physically difficult to me, and yes, my disease can have sudden onset). They will share their reason if they want to, but they probably won't want to if they don't feel you are being supportive of their choices/needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just keep in touch, but don't push (or pry but it sounds like you know not to do this already). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5443" LastEditorUserId="5443" LastEditDate="2017-09-10T04:16:32.947" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T04:16:32.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3654" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3660" CreationDate="2017-09-10T04:30:41.010" Score="20" ViewCount="15266" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 23. All of my life, I've had a strange need to correct things. It doesn't matter how pointless, mundane, or unimportant something is; I need to correct it. And this isn't a simple habit. If I force myself to keep silent about something I don't agree with (which is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; difficult to do), I feel... I guess you could call it 'strained' to burst out and correct it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This need causes conflict between me and the rest of my family on nearly a daily basis, due largely to me coming across as telling everyone what to do (which is basically what it boils down to). I'd like to know if there's anything I can do to control it (and understand it). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples from today alone: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My family is running a garage sale. When we were raising the canopies in the morning, I took issue with how my brother was helping me. Having lived with me for 23 years and being possessed of apparently-supernatural patience, he said nothing and let me exasperatedly direct which pole he was supposed to be raising. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After the garage sale, we were settling down to watch a TV show and my highly organized mother went to the garage to count how much money we had made. I made some comments about how she CLEARLY couldn't do it &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; the show. My intention was sarcastic humor, but she heard, took it the wrong way, and a large argument followed. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I learn to just shut up and not be driven to correct everything all the time? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5444" LastActivityDate="2018-07-07T00:08:43.773" Title="How to stop constantly correcting everyone and everything?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3639" CreationDate="2017-09-10T04:35:24.167" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I come from a similar society as yours in terms of mobile phones and selfie-craze (Pakistan) and I used to find myself on the receiving end of the same situation but once someone posted a selfie doing dinner with me on fb. I don't use fb so didn't know about it until few days later when someone commented on it sarcastically during conversation with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Till then, I didn't use to mind anyone taking selfie or even posting it (personally I don't like this thing and very rarely practiced it) but how do I handle it now:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How do I handle it&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;On lunch table:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Just after having our seats): Hey guys! Let's clear one thing in start. Noone will use phone - just focus on lunch/dinner! There are more than 800 million people in the world who go hungry to their beds and if we are Blessed enough to eat, we should respect them and not post food anywhere on social media.(and couple of others join and soon its approved - it really works)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;When talking together:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If someone tries to take selfie): Come on &lt;em&gt;yaar&lt;/em&gt;! Be a man! This is hobby of (teen) girls. Pics always look good in natural set-up, etc. (and it works there too)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Remember one thing&lt;/strong&gt;: In start, you will have to be bit resilient/defiant - a few days and soon they will realize you seriously dislike it. Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T04:35:24.167" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3636" CreationDate="2017-09-10T06:31:15.167" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;The easiest way to keep the peace is to keep them apart.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people just do not get along, and there is no benefit from forcing them to. This solution will require buy-in from the wife (Jane) to work, but if you* can get that, then the rest should be easy. It's only five months, and then Aunt will be back on a different continent. Tell Aunt something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Aunt, I'm so sorry that Alice mistreated you as a guest. It's clear she doesn't understand how important it is to treat a guest properly. We've decided to not have her over as a guest while you're here, and think you should avoid being a guest at her place as well. Besides, you're here for such a short time. You don't want to waste your time with her anyway, do you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tweak the wording so that it will resonate with your Aunt, but it sounds like agreeing that she's the aggrieved party will bring her around. Hopefully this will also help mend her bruised pride and make her feel like she has some of the control that she wants. Then go to Alice, and explain the need as well. Jane will know what will work best, but if Alice is reasonable, then I would go with something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, I am so sorry about how Aunt has been acting. She can be kind of unreasonable, plus I think the cultural rift between you two is just too big for you to get along at this point. For the sake of all of our sanity, we think it's best that you two avoid each other. While she is in town, will you please check that Aunt is out of the house before coming over or ask Jane to come to your place instead? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not imply to either person that they are at fault in any way. That will make them less likely to agree to help you, and won't bring any benefit. Also don't place any blame on Alice when suggesting this solution to Jane. Make sure she understands that what you say to Aunt is for the purpose of keeping the peace, and that you don't really believe Aunt is blameless. It's important that the two of you have a united front for this to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also give Aunt plenty of opportunities to entertain herself and to feel included in their lives. Hopefully that will distract her from the disagreement, and make her feel less threatened in general. If Jane can find opportunities to let Aunt exert some &quot;control&quot; in ways that don't bother her, then that would probably help too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may seem strange in Indian culture, but it is very normal in the USA. My mother and mother-in-law have never met, even though my mother-in-law lived with us for almost a year and I see my mother regularly. My father's mother and my mother's mother have never met either, and they've been married for 30 years. That's probably an extreme example, but generally in-laws are not close, so any Americans involved will not think this is a crazy solution, even if it seems like one to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*I directed my answer towards your cousin to make the wording less awkward, so &quot;you&quot; means &quot;your cousin&quot;, not literally you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T06:31:15.167" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3658" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3720" CreationDate="2017-09-10T08:33:17.673" Score="22" ViewCount="224137" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I went to live with my girlfriend a few years ago I was initially surprised by how she got very angry (using a very aggressive tone, shouting, ecc..) when I did &quot;something wrong&quot;. By angry, I mean that she might use a very aggressive tone and shout with rant lasting several minutes. She never got physically aggressive or anything of that sort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to give you some examples of the things that could make her angry were me saying some inappropriate jokes, the fact that I was frequently late or the fact that I was frequently a bit absent-minded or absorbed in other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While recognizing my mistakes, I made her notice that her reactions were somehow excessive and we reached the conclusion that I should be more careful around here in some contexts and at the same time that she should take better care of her behavior when annoyed or angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few years, now the situation is kind of different. I think I really improved with her and I am much now more careful, she also completely recognizes this. Unfortunately, at the same time, she worsened her behavior. She still gets angry, but now over smaller and smaller issues. Also, while at first, it happened mainly when we were alone, now she's doing this when other people are around, even friends or relatives, making it even more painful and embarrassing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never got so irrationally angry at her and never shouted at her in any way. When she gets angry and starts shouting I generally just shut up until she's over and then tell her that she went mental again. She generally answers at first by trying to justify herself in some way and then by recognizing that I'm right and the issue at hand was ridiculous (or sometimes even non-existent!) and by saying she's sorry and will be more careful in the future. Unfortunately, after a just a few days, we are again dealing with the same situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's important to add that she doesn't behave in this way with her friends or acquaintances, while she does instead something similar with her parents. I think it's also valuable to say that she told me that her parents used to fight in this way quite frequently, especially when she was a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to talk to her about the reasons behind her behavior, to try to understand if she just got really angry over nothing or she just has excessive reactions when she is just slightly annoyed and she seems to be more inclined to believe the latter. As a solution, I really tried to talk to her about this a lot and even suggested that she could visit a specialist (something she is now considering).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any other thing I could do to make her improve her behavior?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT, a few details I added in the comments:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An example of how she may get angry over a small thing:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may be looking at something funny on the web and asks me to join her. While doing it together it may come to my mind something related that I'm sure she may appreciates and I suggest her to search for that. Maybe she doesn't do that immediately (and that's fine of course) so after a few minutes I suggest it again and she flies off the handle. She may start to scream about how she wants to look at what she prefers, how she wants to be left alone, that she has already wasted too much time doing nothing, that she already had a very tough day and I'm only making it worse, and similar things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About her childhood:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She had a very good childhood, in a upper-middle class family where she was treated like a princess. Her parents are a very strong couple, very close together. They just happened to share a lot of time together (both worked from home) and when some conflict arose they reacted by raising their voices, but AFAIK never insulting each others or worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5048" LastEditorUserId="5048" LastEditDate="2017-09-10T15:24:49.227" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T15:06:56.790" Title="Girlfriend gets extremely angry over small issues, how can I help her?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3214" CreationDate="2017-09-10T10:43:59.737" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to quote you an experience of a similar situation. My friend went with a relative to a shop (relative often goes to shops for business deals and supplying goods, etc.), while my friend was sitting at little distance (on guests sofa), they were discussing things on the table and whatever they were talking was not audible to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But my friend suspected something wrong by sixth sense and he said to himself, &quot;something looks wrong with these guys!&quot;. Secretly he filmed all the activities of signing the papers, etc. (which later on revealed was forced signing as one of the guys from other party had pistol in his hand to force him to sign those legal documents) and facial expressions, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While my friend was at a distance so although he couldn't see/or film the pistol, but facial expressions were telling that something is little bit wrong here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once they got out of it, his relative thanked &lt;em&gt;Allah&lt;/em&gt; for coming out unscathed and later on, that decisive video came out as one of the evidences in the court to catch their &quot;forced signing of the legal papers&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you were at some distance and even could afford to call the police as well, so that could be one option too but again it could put you in a trouble for maybe 1-) they were not what you were reckoning them to be 2-) Even if they were, they would have gone by the time police arrived 3-) Even if they were present, what evidence did you have to prove the police it had happened (This situation could only work had CCTV cameras were panning at this whole activity), so based on my experience, if I were you, I would have used my mobile phone to secretly make a video of whole this process (which could have served that man even now)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T10:43:59.737" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3654" CreationDate="2017-09-10T11:26:07.897" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I learn to just shut up and not be driven to correct everything all the time?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A willingness to correct others is not wrong &lt;em&gt;an sich&lt;/em&gt;, but it becomes very annoying very quickly when done wrong. If you can manage to learn how to do it right, it turns into leadership. Being a leader is good, being an insufferable know-it-all is bad. What I'm seeing from the examples in your question, is somebody who is honestly trying to help but just lacking a bit of tact for doing it right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shutting up when something is bothering you, can be one of the most difficult things to do. What helped me was having good guidance during my early childhood, my mom and dad corrected my behaviour often. What they taught me was: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's okay to correct somebody, but only if the correction isn't over something minor. Being corrected often results in an amount of embarrassment for the person being corrected. &lt;strong&gt;Think before you speak&lt;/strong&gt; is a hard thing to do, but really the only way to learn to shut up when necessary.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I correct this mistake, will I only embarrass the other person, or is he/she e.g. doing something that can result in danger when not corrected? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do we really need this canopy to be up as soon as possible, or can we just take the time and have fun doing it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mind how you phrase your correction. For your first example, the garage sale, you shouldn't order your brother around, but it's better to ask this. If there really was a time pressure on raising the canopy, instead of saying &quot;Do this, do that&quot;, you actually ask something like: &#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [brother], I think we can get this done a lot quicker if you started on that pole, while I do this one. Shall we give it a try?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't have to correct somebody right away, especially not in public. Sometimes, it is better to later offer a correction privately. You might be surprised, that in some cases the other person has already realised their mistake. Correcting later has 2 advantages: you are not humiliating the person in public, and you are possibly saving them from more embarrassment later on. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be offended when somebody doesn't want to be corrected. Don't take that personal. If your correction was offered in a humble, sincere way, there is nothing you could have done better and the other person just needs to learn on their own. Maybe they will realise later that you were right all along. Then it is important to remain humble. No saying &quot;I told you so!&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the situation with your mom, this is a classic example of  'how to phrase your correction'. Don't use sarcastic humour to try and correct somebody. It may be seen as making a joke at the others expense. If you want to address this in public, it's better to ask something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But mom, we are all ready to start watching the show. Can you do it after the show, so we won't have to wait for it now? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making it a question already makes it feel a lot less like a correction, but more like a concern from your part. If your mom says no, well, she is still your mom, so at that point, you just give in. You settle down on the couch, and wait until she is back from counting the money. Since wanting to count money before starting to watch a show is not a life-threatening behaviour, just leave her to do so. There's no need to start an argument over it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T11:26:07.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3654" CreationDate="2017-09-10T12:14:50.453" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to overcome a severely chronic case of pedantry?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answer(and not an easy one to do): You have to internalize that being precise and technically correct about things is only of limited value. You need to find a way to be okay about things that are &quot;wrong&quot; but &quot;close enough&quot;. Human life is messy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It isn't really the speaking up that you do that is &quot;the problem&quot;. It is merely a symptom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &quot;know&quot; how things should go. When you see others being imprecise, you want to &quot;help&quot; them by telling them how to do it correctly. Your help annoys them. Can't they see you are trying to help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to say the following thing twice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're intent doesn't matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're intent doesn't matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Yes. I know it is &quot;your&quot;. I picked &quot;you're&quot; to make a point here.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But isn't it the thought that counts? That's what we've been told. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nope. The perception of the other person is the message that is received. Maybe your mother had an anxiety that could only be assuaged by counting the money. Perhaps she would not have been able to enjoy the TV show without knowing this. Maybe thoughts about it would be circling her brain over and over until she went and checked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to correct people's grammar, chiefly by saying &quot;-ly&quot; when someone used an adjective as an adverb. I figured people wanted to use English correctly, and so I was helping. Everyone was just annoyed, because I was being deliberately technical and I should &quot;know what they meant&quot;, and they felt I was &quot;calling them dumb&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you know what? That is precisely what I was doing, because they perceived it that way. No, it wasn't my intent, but as I've said... that doesn't matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've switch my perception, because you know what? The very existence of adverbs in a language is silly. What is the difference if a person says &quot;I am doing good&quot; or &quot;I am doing well&quot;? Can I determine the same meaning from either? Yes. Did communication take place? Yes. Is that good enough? Yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T12:14:50.453" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3658" CreationDate="2017-09-10T12:56:54.683" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sound like a very difficult situation to cope with. You are showing real patience and a strong commitment to make the relationship work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that she would be a very good candidate for anger management counselling, especially since she can acknowledge that she over-reacts to certain situations: she may just need help in managing the immediate triggers that precipitate her anger response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to how to encourage her to seek such help, I really don't have nearly enough sense of her to be able to advise you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T12:56:54.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3611" CreationDate="2017-09-10T13:08:40.220" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Answering your quandary obliquely, and avoiding the creation of a situation in your workplace where you might upset or annoy colleagues, or in workplaces where there isn't much of and &quot;after-hours&quot; culture, you might consider finding a alternative group to connect and hang with, perhaps by joining a local volunteer group, giving of some of you free time to meet new like minded people and make new friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T13:08:40.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3664" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3654" CreationDate="2017-09-10T13:37:30.460" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being around an insufferable know-it-all is one of the most annoying things to ever experience. And, trust me, I used to be one myself...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few years ago, I used to act like I knew everything (something that commonly happens to most teens...) and used to correct every minor mistake in each and every person's business, which usually didn't even concern me. If anyone made any mistake, I would feel like &quot;Oh my God, that guy's got his basics wrong... I gotta correct him before he goes and ruins his reputation&quot;. I was too concerned with other people and the &quot;correctness of things&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With time, my friends began to desert me, and I began to ask myself, what was I doing wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking a few friends and my parents, I realised that the only mistake I was making was that I was correcting other people's mistakes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided to change myself. Now the big question: How?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That answer also came to me soon enough. I realised that if constantly correcting other people (due to me caring too much about them and the correctness of things), I was alienating them from me, then perhaps, if I cared a little less, and corrected them only when it was absolutely necessary, maybe, just maybe, they would realise the significance of my telling them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two years down the line, I became the head boy of my school, because my classmates and my teachers had voted me in. Turns out, caring less actually appears as caring more to most people, and caring too much is generally perceived as a person trying to embarrass others...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm just sharing an experience here, not really a formal 'answer', so I hope this is useful for you :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T13:37:30.460" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3667" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-10T17:25:43.607" Score="30" ViewCount="13908" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Difficulty: How do I deal with someone who won't escalate my complaint?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Assumptions&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm the customer, and can't take business elsewhere; the other party (let's call them REP for Representative) works for the government or corporate behemoth (e.g. airline, university).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Email and telephone are both possible, but not meeting in person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I need escalate to someone else because REP still hasn't resolved the difficulty even after much interaction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can't locate their superior's contact details, and so can't contact them directly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Context&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;REP should escalate immediately, but sometimes, REP tries to obstruct your request (e.g. fear of appearing incompetent to superior, or even failing to understand the need for escalation).&#xA;For my first try, I'd state: 'Our prolonged communicating still hasn't solved the difficulty. So I request to try communicating with someone else for efficiency.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then I have had REP answer obstructively:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Escalating above me will not solve the problem, or produce a different answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm the most senior person who can help you; nobody else can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following retorts against these obstructions sound too insulting:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't wish to communicate with you further because I'm troubled by your resistance to my request.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I lack the time and energy to repeat myself about escalating.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your refusal of escalation isn't progressing my case.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You appear incompetent or inept. (This last reason is too offensive.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T20:37:32.800" Title="How to politely answer someone who resists your request to escalate against him/her?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3667" CreationDate="2017-09-10T17:47:05.890" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have tried the following things, each with some success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Refuse to get off the phone or answer &quot;is there anything further I can help you with today&quot; until I am transferred to a supervisor&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hang up and call back immediately, hoping that a different CSR will do the escalation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them that if they can't find anyone within the company for you to talk to, you'll be talking to [an external authority they fear.]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Demand to know where they are located so the conversation can continue in person&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give up and go to the external authority (a governing board, the media - including social media - or your lawyer.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking for the office address with a school board administrator got me her boss immediately. [I expect she realized the office location is easily discoverable.] When things didn't go well with the boss, telling him that my next step was a call to my lawyer got me what I needed on the spot. Venting on Twitter after a terrible experience that included claiming I couldn't be transferred to a supervisor but one would call me (surprise, none did) got me DMs and emails of concern and my problem was resolved in the end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have options other than this stubborn CSR. Make sure you know this so you feel less desperate. Make sure they know this so they realize stonewalling you on the escalation won't stop you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T17:47:05.890" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3654" CreationDate="2017-09-10T20:03:24.147" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this will work for you. But for a young person who had very rigid right-and-wrong-way-to-do-things opinions, a piece of paper and a pencil in the pocket cured it. When someone does something wrong, make a note of it. Tell yourself you will discuss it with them later, when no-one else is around or when the emotion or pressure of the situation is lower. Tell yourself you will run it by a trusted advisor before raising it with the person who &quot;did it wrong.&quot; Let them do it wrong, and make a note.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may find that within minutes you can happily throw the note away. You may find it useful to run through a pocketful of notes with a trusted friend or parent. You may end up using the notes to extract your real issue, your reason for needing to correct them and believing they were wrong. Imagine telling someone simply and honestly &quot;I felt unimportant when instead of watching a show I was looking forward to as a reward for a day's work, I had to wait for you when you decided there was still some work left in the day. It made me tense. I felt I couldn't control my opportunity to relax.&quot; That's useful insight anyone who shares a home with you would be happy to hear. Of course, you may realize as you formulate the sentence that your conclusion &quot;my part of the garage sale is done! Let's all relax!&quot; may be the problem, and asking her to postpone her last piece (to not be done yet) may have been harder on her than waiting on the tv show was for you. But that's a different conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-09-10T21:37:08.400" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T21:37:08.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3588" CreationDate="2017-09-10T21:44:34.917" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Simply wait&lt;/strong&gt;. At some point your work might give you an opportunity to get in contact with her. Maybe a project where you have to work with her or a company party or anything like that. There is also always a chance that you happen to make coffee at the same time and no one else is around and some silly conversation starts up. Perhaps, you do have a little leverage in making something like that happen - by choosing the projects you work on, what role you fill in or simply when you take your break, but don't let this influence important decisions about your professional career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as no natural opportunity arises and she doesn't overtly flirt with you (i.e. smiles and/or greets &lt;em&gt;encouragingly&lt;/em&gt; whenever you see each other &lt;em&gt;very clearly&lt;/em&gt;) there is no appropriate way to start some private or even intimate talk. Be patient and wait if something happens. And if an opportunity - say at the break - arises, take things slowly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly &lt;strong&gt;be prepared for the case that nothing ever happens&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While in other locations you can dive into a somewhat risky approach to get to know other people and try to inject yourself into their group, the work place is totally the wrong place for such experiments. You cannot easily leave if you embarass yourself (nor can she simply avoid you) and things can get awkward and affect your and her life pretty badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an encouragement after all this discouragement, most (long-term) relationships are established at school or university, secondmost at work*. But in the latter case, it takes time, and it might not be her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*according to a study I read a while ago, which was conducted in a western country. For the secondmost place the work place was rivaled by online dating, which was argued by the study authors to overtake the workplace in the near future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T21:44:34.917" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1573" CreationDate="2017-09-10T22:25:06.833" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Adding to the other answers that deal with how to try and overcome Mallice's distractive behaviour by addressing her in one way or another:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you totally don't want to try and put her in her place due to her sensitivity, you can grab your drink, get up, briefly move away (depending on where you are meeting you may simply give the impression you're gonna grab something- maybe your phone you left in another room, are going to the toilet or whatsoever). When you come back just pull up another chair and position yourself on the other side of Alice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means you have a short break from Alice's story, but then made it much more difficult for Malice to distract you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It avoids the confrontation with Malice at this occasion and often works with people that are only rarely making such problems (or typically not in your friend circle). With Malice being part of your friend circle, I'd consider it a short-term solution. You need to work on her behaviour in the long term - and with &quot;you&quot; I mean your group of friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T22:25:06.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3672" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3658" CreationDate="2017-09-10T22:33:45.940" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This needs to be her issue, not yours. As you said, she is considering professional help to understand her anger, and this is probably the best course of action. At some later time counseling as a couple might be helpful so you can understand her issues too.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should stop trying to analyze this on behalf of the both of you. There are too many possible issues on her side. Many of them might predate your relationship, so there would be no way for you to try to analyze them or work on any solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibly she perceives some situations between you as threatening her security or status quo (comfort zone), for whatever reason that might have nothing to do with you.  This could manifest itself in various kinds of irrational response, including anger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But still, she needs to understand the causes of her anger and find the resolve to move forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One concern with questions like yours is that we only hear one side of the story. Her side is just as important.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If she were to write a question like yours about this topic (the anger) from her point of view, what do you think it would say? That question would be just as important as yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, there is a term that is commonly used in describing relationship issues, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/co-dependent&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;co-dependent&lt;/a&gt;, that you should be familiar with if you aren't already. Basically, any behavior you tolerate you by default condone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastEditorUserId="1720" LastEditDate="2017-09-10T22:40:08.997" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T22:40:08.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3512" CreationDate="2017-09-10T22:40:55.590" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would not say it is rude per-se, but it depends on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How well you know the person&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What and in which tone you say&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretty girls get so many cheap compliments followed by harassment so often, even if it's just meant as a compliment (which it rarely is even if you mean it nicely, you typically want to use it as an ice-breaker), it is at the very least annoying for most such girls. If 20 people already told you how beautiful the weather is today, you really don't want to do small talk about that with the 21st. Especially not with a random stranger who likely just wants to get in your pants like 15 of the other 20.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you however know a girl at least casually it's something else. If she values you, she may also value your opinion and your genuine compliments - or comments on her appearance. By then you hopefully also can read whether such a topic is a good idea from her reaction and a single misstep will not have you loose all friendship built up so far. However, general compliments are boring. If she's pretty, she's heard those a dozen of times. You might rather comment on recent changes of her appearance, like a new haircut than her general hair colour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, as other answers already indicated, there is a difference on what body parts you comment. Some are considered intimate or implying a sexual undertone while others don't. With comments on eyes, face and haircut you are mostly safe. Same goes for most clothing unless it is very revealing. Stay clear of comments on her legs, butt and breasts - and everything in this &quot;middle area&quot; ;) Same goes for her weight (not because it's associated with sex, but because it's an intimate topic by itself). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, &lt;strong&gt;the closer you know someone the more your compliments may be well received and the more intimate they can be&lt;/strong&gt; - just make sure to check her reaction and adopt accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And &lt;strong&gt;typically, don't just compliment a stranger on their looks&lt;/strong&gt;. It's not rude, but most find it annoying (or, if male, confusing^^).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T22:40:55.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3658" CreationDate="2017-09-10T23:06:47.200" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a similar situation with a girlfriend, in my 20's. For the record, we eventually broke up! What worked for me (with one girl so I don't know if it would generalize) is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;walking out.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just said, &quot;I'm leaving so I don't get angry,&quot; and left, for hours. I think I did that about 4 times, and the behavior stopped. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first time, I wasn't sure if I was walking into a fight, but I came in, went to the fridge to get a soda, and sat on the couch and turned on the TV. After a few minutes she asked me where I went: To my sister's house, my brother in law and I watched a 007 movie on DVD. After about a minute of silence I said I was ordering Chinese, and asked if she wanted anything. She did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I pretended nothing happened, and she did too. I did almost exactly the same thing the next time, and the next time, and the next time. Then there were no more times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't remember why I walked out, perhaps I was thinking I don't know &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to do, but staying here is making it worse. I do know that when I did it, I wasn't thinking &quot;this might work,&quot; I was thinking (and told my brother in law; a pretty good friend of mine) I thought we were probably done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But we weren't, it worked, and ended the spiraling tantrum craziness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually we broke up anyway, so perhaps the spiraling tantrum was a symptom of something else wrong with me and her. Maybe it was a kind of venting thing that helped her, and my walking out made it ineffective, and maybe that led to us breaking up!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, I at least stopped &lt;em&gt;that behavior&lt;/em&gt; with this one girl. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-10T23:06:47.200" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3675" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3667" CreationDate="2017-09-11T02:10:13.213" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know the full history of your communications but I would do all further communication using email so that you have a trail. I would start by stating something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;While I appreciate your attempts to solve my problem, the problem still has not been solved to my satisfaction. I request that my case be transferred to another rep, or if no other rep is available, to your supervisor for their input. When should I expect to hear from them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they come back and state (again) that no one else can help you, you won't get a different answer, etc. then ask them if they are refusing to transfer your case. After some communication, you should have proof of their refusal and other difficulty in dealing with them in writing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming after all this communication you have their name and where they work (e.g. office location, etc. or some way of identifying them specifically). Now you should be able to call some other generic number like customer service, etc. Once you find someone else from the company, you tell them that you are trying to locate the supervisor for &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;insert rep's name&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt; from &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;insert rep's office location&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;. I'd be pretty surprised if you couldn't find someone that wouldn't put you in contact with their supervisor at that point. If they start asking why, just say that you've been unhappy with &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;rep&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;'s handling of your case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you contact the supervisor, you can forward them the email trail demonstrating the difficulty you've been having with them and their refusals to try to find other help and refusal to provide contact info for their supervisor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2583" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T02:10:13.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3680" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3721" CreationDate="2017-09-11T04:30:56.977" Score="1" ViewCount="2941" Body="&lt;p&gt;My son is a nurse who was very well liked on his previous floor. The hours were long, however, and included every other weekend, so after a few years, he transferred to a 7 to 3:30 job on another floor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was telling me they are very cliquish there, and basically have not interacted personally with him, not inviting him to lunch, etc. He said he hasn't felt so lonely since he was in the fifth grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not attracted to cliquish people so I had no advice to give him. He doesn't feel the same. Eating his lunch alone bothers him; having no one to joke with bothers him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can anyone give me suggestions on how to break into a clique?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T15:01:31.607" Title="How to break into a clique?" Tags="&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3681" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-11T04:49:20.733" Score="1" ViewCount="2306" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been with this girl a year now. She is well behaved, caring and all. But every once in a while she try to test my commitment. &#xA;For example she if I come up with some plans for weekends, she would deliver NO straight away. If I try to convince her she would happily join me, else she would later complaint I didn't try to convince and my love is fading. &#xA;Sometimes she goes to her hometown and would say I am not coming back, then I have to say something nice and then she would say that she's joking and she cant wait to come back. (Just to see how I react).&#xA;I am sick of this constant doubting and not sure what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5483" LastEditorUserId="1571" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T12:44:54.213" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T14:59:06.427" Title="Girl keep testing my commitment even when its been a year since we got together. How do I convince her?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3682" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3685" CreationDate="2017-09-11T05:38:02.610" Score="40" ViewCount="17034" Body="&lt;p&gt;Today in the office gym, this guy was doing Olympic movements with bar. And for every lift, he was impulsively flexing his belly and was getting in clearly awkward position. Which is dangerous considering the amount of weight he was lifting. I tried to explain to him that he should start with less weight and perfect the posture first. The guy got angry for telling him the correct way. And I wouldn't have corrected him if it wasn't dangerous. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I react to these situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5483" LastEditorUserId="477" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T21:16:22.940" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T16:27:44.533" Title="How to react when someone rudely rejects your advice at the gym when they clearly need it" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-04-12T14:35:00.637" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3681" CreationDate="2017-09-11T05:40:50.247" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should probably sit down and have a long talk with her since :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sick of this constant doubting and not sure what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some points of perhaps why she did so :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She had bad experience in her previous encounter (commitment related), thus being insecure.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is possessive. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are behaving suspicious, or your commitment is just not above her expectation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By having a long and serious talk, you will discover the  root cause of the problem. (natural behavior, bad experience etc). Do tell her that you are getting tired of this &quot;You have to show commitment to prove that you are committed&quot; game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some points you can mentioned during the long talk :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Constant doubting hurts the relationship. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You need her support and trust.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Any action that can increase and gain her trust than being suspicious.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guy are not that good at showing our love(personal opinion) but that does not mean we do not commit or we do not care about the relationship. So approach her and communicate as relationship is not just one-sided input, is about giving and receiving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3285" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T05:40:50.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3684" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3667" CreationDate="2017-09-11T05:46:58.507" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can continue to repeat the phrase &quot;I need to talk to someone with the authority to solve my problem. Please connect me to a supervisor.&quot; But at some point, if this is ineffective, you and the rep will just be repeating stock phrases back to each other. This is not going to get your problem solved. The rep is following the policy they've been given, and whether they are personally sympathetic to your situation or not, they're not going to risk their job by violating a policy. Continuing the conversation under such circumstances is pointless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to Kate Gregory's excellent suggestions, there's another last-resort method you can try when diligent repeated efforts to resolve the problem have been unsuccessful: The &lt;a href=&quot;https://consumerist.com/2007/05/11/how-to-launch-an-executive-email-carpet-bomb/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Executive Email Carpet Bomb&lt;/a&gt;, a tactic named at the Consumerist blog a decade ago, and featured in such outlets as &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/05/your-money/the-best-consumer-self-advocacy-tool-youve-never-used.html?mcubz=1&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the New York Times&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, hang up, take some deep breaths, and be sure you're being reasonable. Maybe run the situation past a friend or family member. It's easy to get emotional, frustrated, and to lose perspective when you're being stonewalled by a customer service agent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you're calm and collected, &lt;a href=&quot;https://consumerist.com/2014/07/21/heres-a-sample-complaint-letter-for-when-you-dont-know-what-to-say/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;compose a letter&lt;/a&gt; detailing the situation. Provide necessary details, but don't write a 20-page rant or make threats; just succinctly explain what happened and what you'd like them to do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;a href=&quot;https://consumerist.com/2012/10/24/a-guide-to-figuring-out-executive-e-mail-addresses/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;collect the email addresses for corporate executives&lt;/a&gt; at the company in question. Consumer advocate Christopher Elliott maintains &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.elliott.org/company-contacts/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;an extensive collection of contacts&lt;/a&gt; for many companies. Email away (or call, should you find an &quot;executive customer relations&quot; contact number for that company). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait for a response. Even if the executive you contacted isn't responsible for solving your problem, they can simply forward it to someone who is. This, of course, isn't guaranteed to work, but it's quite successful with many companies, and can get you in touch with someone with sufficient authority and training to address your concerns. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that if you're having a problem with a government agency, elected representatives in many countries have staffers assigned to &quot;casework,&quot; assisting people with problems they have with the government. Contacting the office of your reps and asking for assistance can be an effective strategy here if such a service is offered in your country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, it is not uncommon for local news stations in the United States to have consumer reporters who receive and attempt to resolve complaints about businesses. If one of your local stations offers this service, you could contact them. The aforementioned Christopher Elliott will also do this &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.elliott.org/help/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;for travel-related problems&lt;/a&gt; (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.elliott.org/frequently-asked-questions/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;FAQ&lt;/a&gt; on how this works and what they can and cannot do), and his site has many resources on how to communicate effectively with customer service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2624" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T05:46:58.507" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3685" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3682" CreationDate="2017-09-11T05:48:15.200" Score="91" Body="&lt;p&gt;Smile and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not let your kind approach being bothered by people refusing to take advice.&#xA;When people reject your kind advice, there is nothing much you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you have done your part (&lt;em&gt;proper advice on how dangerous that is&lt;/em&gt;), it's on them to choose whether to take advice or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3285" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T11:40:09.987" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T11:40:09.987" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3682" CreationDate="2017-09-11T06:18:27.680" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does the office gym have some kind of supervisor? If so, you should inform that person of the problem. It is really their responsibility to confirm the proper usage and safety for those using the equipment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't mean you can't suggest a better/safer method to someone (assuming you are qualified to do so). But don't &lt;em&gt;tell&lt;/em&gt; them (&quot;The guy got angry for telling him&quot; as you said); a polite and friendly &lt;em&gt;suggestion&lt;/em&gt; usually works better.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;But if they ignore your advice, let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T06:18:27.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3560" CreationDate="2017-09-11T06:21:41.280" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but I don't know if I should bow my head,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is meant to show respect, symbolically indicating bowing to God.  If you don't see a reason to show such respect to God, then I don't see why you should so bow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I don't recommend raising your nose (without also looking upward towards Heaven), or any other sort of disrespectful action, if your goal is not to communicate disrespect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;close my eyes,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I've been able to determine, this is really more an issue of tradition than a religiously backed stance.  In &lt;A HREF=&quot;http://ebible.org/web/JHN11.htm#V41&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;John 11:41&lt;/A&gt;, the text mentioned that &amp;quot;Jesus lifted up his eyes&amp;quot; before praying (just before a miracle).  Also, &lt;A HREF=&quot;http://ebible.org/web/JHN17.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;John 17&lt;/A&gt; verse one starts out describe &amp;quot;Jesus&amp;quot; ... &amp;quot;lifting up his eyes to heaven&amp;quot;, praying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or say &amp;quot;Amen!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please don't.  The word &amp;quot;Amen&amp;quot; is not fully understood by most people who say it.  (They think it is just meant for something indicating the close of a prayer, perhaps like &amp;quot;Good bye&amp;quot; to God.)  However, the word is sometimes called out during a church service, indicating agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been taught the word means &amp;quot;I agree&amp;quot;.  Based on usage, I think some other phrasings may also make sense, like &amp;quot;Agreed&amp;quot;, or &amp;quot;That's truth&amp;quot;.  It is an affirmative word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you don't agree with &amp;quot;God, we thank you...&amp;quot;, then it would be better not to say such a word, as the common consensus would be that such lying/dishonest speech would be violating one of the Ten Commandments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These aren't events where I'd normally &lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt; a religious component; we're typically at someone's house having dinner, and not in a church, or at a wedding or other ceremony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is good to see people treating religion seriously, rather than just trying to limit its impact to only affect one day a week (when church is held).  I'm not quite sure why you would expect religious people to not have religion be a part of their home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people have been brought up with &amp;quot;saying grace&amp;quot;, referring to praying before eating.  I suspect that may be based on the religious text of &lt;A HREF=&quot;http://ebible.org/web/DAN06.htm#V10&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Daniel 6:10&lt;/A&gt; referring to praying three times a day, and that many people have 3 meals a day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds pretty normal.  By that, I'm simply saying that I believe a lot of people do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally hold hands with the people around me (even though this makes me uncomfortable)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've experienced this.  I believe this is more about causing a feeling of unity among the participants, and is not a practice that has any specific heavily religious meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also feel conspicuous and uncomfortable by not participating fully (although I feel far more uncomfortable just by being asked to participate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Somehow, my mother ended up not teaching me some simple childhood prayers that were known by children from multiple other households from her side of the family.  They would be recited by people whose eyes were wide open, so they realized I wasn't saying the words.  I never did spend quite enough time with them to completely learn those words.  I simply observed without participating in the speech, which I was really unable to do.  As far as I know, nobody ever expressed/demonstrated/showed any judgment against my behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; want to respect the people around me, however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I behave to be the most respectful of the people around me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There isn't just one universal answer that will definitely work in all circumstances, as some people will have different expectations.  Whatever I tell you may run the risk of one of your family members taking offense to whatever you decide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, the approach that would generally be preferred by the religious people is to join 'em.  (That is, to become a believer.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's not going to happen, then I think that simply avoiding religious activities (like praying) can be quite sensible.  For instance, if you walk into a room after you hear the group &amp;quot;Amen&amp;quot;, that doesn't seem overly disrespectful, in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to join the group, such as sitting around the table (perhaps simply because that is logistically most sensible as you participate in a family event), then you would show people plenty of respect by simply staying quiet, allowing the speaker(s) to speak their prayer, and allowing all others to listen.  Naturally, this includes not making silly faces for youngsters, or riling them up in some way to create a disturbance.  Silencing your cell phone is also a great idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it helps, just think of the national anthem at a sporting event, or watching multiple uniformed professionals synchronously shoot guns at a college graduation (yes, I've seen this) or a funeral.  Simply watching, and not being disruptive for anyone who is wishing to have this be a moving time, is sufficient respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As discussed in this question, I am fine with being politely silent and still during the prayer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What that question doesn't cover, however, is to what degree is it respectful for me to participate or not participate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take comfort in realizing that you're showing the most respect that can be reasonably expected from someone who doesn't fully embrace the beliefs behind the activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T06:41:03.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3682" CreationDate="2017-09-11T06:33:50.823" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;So there are several general trainers in the gym, and some personal trainers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've not mentioned if that person has hired a personal trainer. Well, if he has, it's the trainer's job to see how and what he is doing. So, a good approach would be to go to his personal trainer and ASK (not tell) if that is the correct posture/method of doing the exercise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't have a personal trainer, there are general trainers who can be asked for help by anyone without hiring them. You could go to one of them and say that it looks dangerous how 'X' is doing those lifts. Is that how they should be done or if X is wrong, would you like to go point it out to him that he's not doing it correctly. Maybe, also show him how it's supposed to be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This method avoids any direct communication with X.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It also makes 'X' pay heed to what the general/personal trainer says, as he is more likely to listen to them than anyone else.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Also, it is the job of the general trainers to help people with their posture. So, they would gladly choose to help you (rather X, in this case).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If 'X' still chooses to ignore, there's absolutely nothing you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="142" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T06:33:50.823" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3689" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3690" CreationDate="2017-09-11T06:49:50.740" Score="8" ViewCount="2020" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's my birthday today and I am getting calls and messages from my friends and relatives for wishes. Some of them are close friends and some relatives are younger than me while others are elder than me. Some are just acquaintance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I am a bit confused about showing them gratitude for their wishes and replying with a thank you message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, &lt;strong&gt;who should I say Thanks, Thank You and Thank You Very Much without sounding too formal?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T09:02:47.917" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T18:25:26.233" Title="Who do you say Thanks, Thank You and Thank You Very Much to?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;saying-thanks&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3689" CreationDate="2017-09-11T07:00:55.587" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the US, if you are talking to close friends, it is fine to use &quot;thanks&quot; even in a written message, but in Japan, it would be more appropriate to use the longer &quot;thank you&quot;. I'm unsure of how it is in India, but when expressing gratitude, I personally try to be somewhat formal, but wouldn't opt for adding a &quot;very much&quot; at the end of it as it seems forced. If you received something from them, I would follow the thank you with what I am thankful for and explain how it helped me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I misunderstood your question, and it is a verbal response to them congratulating you over the phone or in person, save for elders and those above you socially (the president of your company, etc) saying &quot;thanks&quot; is perfectly acceptable. In the exception mentioned above, &quot;thank you&quot; is preferred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastEditorUserId="152" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T18:25:26.233" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T18:25:26.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3692" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3703" CreationDate="2017-09-11T07:41:31.447" Score="1" ViewCount="3225" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when I request an information from a colleague, I must wait a bit before I get the answer. This usually ranges from 1 hour to 24 hours (more or less).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[10.44] Me : Do you have Bob's number?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  [13.20] Alice : Yes, it is +628xxxxxx&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  [16.40] Me : Thank you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[10.44] Me : Do you have Bob's number?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  [10.46] Alice : Yes, it is +628xxxxxx&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  [14.20] Me &lt;em&gt;(just read it)&lt;/em&gt; : Thank you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, I feel that replying with &quot;Thank you&quot; or &quot;OK&quot; will &lt;strong&gt;unnecessarily disturb them,&lt;/strong&gt; especially in work hour. I don't want they to check the &quot;ping&quot;, feeling it is an important message, just to see a &quot;thank you&quot; or &quot;OK&quot;. I especially hesitate when it was a person in another company (might be a supplier, customer, or partner).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was immediately after I asked and they supplied the information, I don't think there's an issue, but I often out of my room without my phone, so &lt;strong&gt;there's always substantial gap&lt;/strong&gt; between when they answered and when I have the time to reply with &quot;thanks&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, &lt;strong&gt;when is the appropriate time window to reply back with a &quot;thanks&quot; or &quot;OK&quot;, given that the person has answered a while before?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in Indonesia, so please consider the Asian culture when answering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T19:34:21.553" Title="When is replying a chat with &quot;thanks&quot;, &quot;OK&quot;, appropriate?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;chatting&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3692" CreationDate="2017-09-11T08:00:34.180" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, it's fine to respond with a &quot;Thanks&quot;.  It shows that you're actually thanking the person for the information and implicitly lets them know that you don't want anything else right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it's the polite thing to do anyway, it's a more positive action than simply demanding information and not thanking people for it (which is the impression you'll give if you don't thank them at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T08:00:34.180" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3692" CreationDate="2017-09-11T08:03:28.500" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my place, replying thank you/OK or not replying is ok as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not be bothered by your simple &quot;thank you/OK&quot; reply, or bothered by you did not reply &quot;thank you/OK&quot; for the help i provided as well.&#xA;If i would not want to be disturb, i'll change my status to Busy, which your ping would not bothers me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both above applies to either colleague or person from another company. But if you want to maintain a good relation try to reply &quot;Thank You&quot; than &quot;OK&quot;. &quot;OK&quot; seems a little rude to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that's just me, some people thinks that no replying is rude. So i would advice to always reply &quot;Thank you&quot; after they provide help. People would not remember you as &quot;the guy who replied thank you and the ping annoys me&quot; but they might remember you as &quot;the guy who did not say thanks after helping&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, reply thank you will be polite and people would not really being triggered by the ping for some unimportant short message. After all messenger is use to send in short message. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Based on South East Asia culture&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3285" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T08:03:28.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3696" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-11T08:07:10.280" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a difficult one, as you are basically asking your SO to go against a hardwired &quot;feature&quot; of most men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have an agreement after the same issue came up early in our dating relationship. After she has talked about a particular problem / experience she has difficulties with, I will ask her whether she wants me to do anything about it (advise or action). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If no, the conversation will take its normal course. If yes, my advise is given, and she will take it into consideration if she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds forced, but after 13 years it is now a quite natural part of our communication &quot;protocol&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3796" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T08:07:10.280" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3697" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3701" CreationDate="2017-09-11T08:11:21.130" Score="69" ViewCount="19131" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a &quot;friend&quot; who is currently employed at a job as a software developer. Unfortunately, this friend of mine isn't at all willing to look for solutions by themselves. They would rather contact me and describe their problem, and have me look into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm happy to help people out, but the problem with them is that since they have no motivation to learn by themselves, I have to start explaining from the basics, and then tell them about the solution. As you can tell, this is an extremely time consuming affair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried showing them how to Google for their problems, post questions on Stack Overflow, and refer to the developer documentation. Apparently, my advice has fallen on deaf ears. When they have a new problem and ask for help, and I repeat my advice, they follow up with &quot;what should I Google&quot;, &quot;I can't understand section X of the documentation&quot;, &quot;can you help me find something better&quot; and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes they have a problem with the projects they are working on, and they ask for my help. According to them, these are &quot;very small&quot; problems which &quot;shouldn't take up much of [my] time&quot;, and suffice to say they're not. Sometimes I'll develop a small demo of the thing they need, and this is followed by criticism such as &quot;X doesn't work&quot;, &quot;but this is not how it's implemented on website Y&quot; and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I try to explain to them that it is just a demo, they offer access to the source code and ask me to look through it and adjust my solution accordingly. When I refuse it for obvious reasons, they keep pestering me with requests to improve upon the demo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also tried refusing to help them by saying &quot;no&quot;, but this leads them to start working out on a time on when we can discuss the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frustrated with the state of things, I've tried blocking them on social media, but when I do they'll usually try to contact me over another channel which cannot be easily blocked, such as through phone calls or voicemail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get this &quot;friend&quot; to stop this behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, I would like this person to become self-sufficient in this regard. However, any action that gets them to stop pestering me (I'm okay with them finding another person) is okay too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would prefer to resolve this in a way that avoids conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2099" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T10:15:21.210" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T12:43:18.040" Title="Dealing with a person who continuously needs help" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T08:28:21.877" Score="58" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You shouldn't reward laziness. To learn, they need to debug code they've written.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're used to you saying yes and they rely on that. If they need help that's fine, but you need to set some boundaries before they take further advantage of your good nature, coding is time-consuming as it is. They need to learn on their own and being spoon fed really isn't going to help anyone. To me, they're currently taking advantage of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's really your friend, just say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're not going to learn by me doing stuff for you all the time, I really need to get on with what I'm doing. Come back to me in an hour, if you haven't got anywhere then I'll &lt;strong&gt;answer questions&lt;/strong&gt;, not code solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're employed to be a software developer, &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;they need to hit a deadline&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;, so they'll have to &lt;strong&gt;learn to solve problems&lt;/strong&gt; on their own if you won't spoon feed them, anymore. If they aren't that good at software development, it's their own problem, not yours. They shouldn't have got employed if they know their skillset isn't up to scratch. What if they have policies on giving out the code to someone else for help? That could get them fired. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way in this scenario is they need to see what it's like without your help (i.e. you coding for them). it's nice of you to help but don't do it for them. Because you want to help them stop the behaviour, blocking them isn't the best option. You can simply ignore them, but then that doesn't become a question of helping them change their behaviour, it becomes a question of how to ignore someone when you've blocked them over social media. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing as you've tried to tell them about the usual suspects (Stack Overflow, documentation, and simple googling). I'd introduce them to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;rubberducking&lt;/a&gt;, they need to go through their code line by line and learn that they need to do that. Reading it back to themselves might help them know where they're going wrong, understand the code better or solve their own problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T00:28:03.463" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T00:28:03.463" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3699" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3682" CreationDate="2017-09-11T08:29:55.643" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keeping to tell someone who has already made up their mind how to do things rarely helps. However if he is interested in gyming, he's probably checking out places and communities online which are about gymming. Instead of telling him, go on there (anonymously if you want) show videos of people doing it the wrong way where it goes horribly wrong and they get injured. Even if that guy doesn't care about your advice you probably help at least some people to make sure they do the exercise right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2340" LastEditorUserId="2340" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T07:10:06.723" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T07:10:06.723" CommentCount="18" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3700" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T08:30:35.610" Score="25" Body="&lt;h3&gt;You are being used and should stop what you are currently doing - start with a &amp;quot;No&amp;quot;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are being used and you should try to stick to a simple &amp;quot;No&amp;quot;. The best way is probably to go with a &amp;quot;I'm sorry, but I don't have the time to help you with your problem. It's costing too much of my time and I've already shown you ways you can try first.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important that this person learns that you won't do their work for them anymore. They are used to you delivering them far too much information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Stick to your &amp;quot;No&amp;quot; - don't go back on it if the person contacts you through a different channel&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you have to stick to your word. Don't go back on it when they call you on your phone. Just because they try a different channel doesn't mean you suddenly have more time to do their work for them, which you really shouldn't do to this extent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Hang up if they don't stop pestering you until they realize it's not worth the effort&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still don't stop pestering you should hang up the phone. After a few times they will learn that they can't do this anymore and that it's costing them too much time and effort without the result they were hoping for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Addendum - your &lt;em&gt;friend&lt;/em&gt; should be careful with company property&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't go into detail about them providing you the source code that is required for their work so that you can work on demos because I am not a lawyer and the following is certainly not legal advice. That might be something for Workplace.SE, but I am sure that this is illegal in most contexts. You should notify your &lt;em&gt;friend&lt;/em&gt; that they should stop this behaviour or they will at one point get into a lot of trouble because of this. For example by posting parts of the source code on StackOverflow. They should learn to be careful or it will be a painful lesson when they finally have to learn it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="372" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T09:22:13.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T08:41:20.650" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are in the vicinity of a &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/19665/the-help-vampire-problem&quot;&gt;Help Vampire&lt;/a&gt;. The post explains the symptoms much better than me, though I suspect you already know them all too well already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you follow the links you will find that the recommended solution is typically to &lt;strong&gt;cease your enabling behavior&lt;/strong&gt;. By helping out with reading documentation, setting up demos and continuously rewarding the help vampire you are making them come back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very likely is that this person is suffering from &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Learned Helplessness&lt;/a&gt;, though the possibility also exists that this person is just having you do their work for them. The person simply sees no other way to escape the inability to code other than asking you. If you read up on the very interesting experiments you'll find that you have to show the test subject how to escape this situation - this you have tried and very admirably so but you are failing at enforcing their autonomy. In order to gain confidence in their own decision-making people have to make their own decisions and learn from them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the years I've programmed I have also dealt with people asking for help but I've typically refused anything but giving guiding advice, and very little of it. If you want this person to start learning you have to stop teaching every little basic at every step and leave them to do their own research.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put together a list of your common suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Google&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask Stackoverflow&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Read the documentation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find a tutorial&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then simply link it over and over until they follow it or stop pestering you. This way you will give useful suggestions continuously until it gets through or they learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4022" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T08:41:20.650" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3702" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4083" CreationDate="2017-09-11T08:50:37.353" Score="4" ViewCount="957" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have a jewelry booth at a large county fair on the US west coast. We sell freshwater pearl strands and accented accessories in a price range of $50-$400. We seem to attract all ages (say 25+) and ethnicities from seemingly a wide range of economic backgrounds, singles/couples/spouses, i.e. county fairgoers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I rely on her to interact with customers and close transactions when we're together, but I'll be alone for a few days here and there for the duration of the event. &lt;strong&gt;What tips can you give me to persuade our female customers to buy our products?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not apprehensive, but I have zero retail sales experience and can't seem to navigate the awkward silence that ensues after reciting the bare facts, as the customer continues to browse.  With unaccompanied guys (&amp;lt;5% of customers) I've had success educating, highlighting the quality and the novelty of provenance (we import from the Philippines), and just forming the dude bond. They are usually already set on buying anyway and are just looking for advice (from my wife) and trustworthiness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a pro photographer my go-to is complementing skin tones, but often more is needed. Interactions don't go bad per se, I just don't close. Objections are rarely voiced, they just say &lt;em&gt;thank you&lt;/em&gt; and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When they leave without buying, I feel as though I could've done more to secure a sale, but I'm not sure what.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trade show environment is particularly challenging with other vendors and disinterested significant others drawing attention away from the interaction. I know the product; I want to get better at persuasion and selling face-to-face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5495" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T19:06:02.517" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T21:11:48.027" Title="What expressions or phrases can I use to close jewelry sales with female customers?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3692" CreationDate="2017-09-11T09:16:24.697" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, this would somewhat bother me in a case of a longer gap between messages. So what I do instead is thank a person right away:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;– Hey, do you have Bob's number? Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;– Here: +x xxx xx xx. No problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is both polite and doesn't needlessly alert people to &quot;junk messages&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5500" LastEditorUserId="5500" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T09:18:32.667" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T09:18:32.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3705" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3689" CreationDate="2017-09-11T09:25:40.610" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here in the UK, I don't think it matters a great deal. Replying with any of these is polite and will let the person know you're acknowledging their kindly meant wishes, but many people wouldn't think twice at which of these you replied with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a rule of thumb, if someone sends an especially nice or touching message, or it's from someone especially important to you like a close friend, you could send a more emphatic reply (thanks very much!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think &quot;many thanks!&quot; is a good catch-all if you're worried about it, but there's no need to worry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2163" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T09:25:40.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T09:53:39.820" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers are spot on for dealing with &quot;friends&quot; who take advantage of you like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you run into a situation where it's a colleague or somebody else &lt;em&gt;you have to work with&lt;/em&gt;, here's what helped for me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Redirect them to email (&quot;Hi Bob... sorry, I'm in the middle of something right now, please send me an email about it.&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Assign a fixed time per day/week/month for answering Bob's emails. E.g. every three days at 9 a.m. you give yourself 20 minutes to try to answer Bob's emails and help. After you're finished (and make sure you don't use more time than you budgeted!) you hit send and return to your other work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;During all other times, redirect to email and ignore any incoming help requests from Bob until you hit a &quot;Bob window&quot; again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Observe how Bob gets tired of waiting if you're not instantly available and starts to research himself. Or observe how Bob gets fired for being incompetent ;-)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If Bob escalates to your boss and your boss comes to you, you can point to the emails written in step 2 and ask: &quot;Boss, I'm trying to help Bob as best as I can while still getting my other work done. How would you prioritise helping Bob? Is it more important than delivering FancySoftware on Tuesday? If so, I'll allocate more time to helping Bob but that means we can't make the Tuesday deadline. Otherwise I'm afraid he'll just have to wait.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T09:53:39.820" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T10:00:51.623" Score="8" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Teach him &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; to look, &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; to look for&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just switched job where they use a framework I had not heard of, with a workflow I was not used at all. Because this framework abstracted a lot of my work, I had little use of my procedural knowledge of PHP and I needed to know how the framework handled this and the terminology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the beginning I required a lot of help, but every time I made sure to ask &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they did something instead of asking for the solution. Because of that, I had the basics under control faster than they expected me to. This was mainly because they had taught me the terms, the logic behind their choices and the logic behind the &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; the framework works like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I had a intern I applied the same logic. In the beginning he would ask me a lot (a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt;). I explained that it was taking too much of my time. &lt;strong&gt;I started telling/guiding him &lt;em&gt;what to look for&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Instead of giving him the answers, I told him how to find it, teaching him the proper way of thinking and saving me a lot of time, while still actually helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He disliked it in the beginning because he didn't get what he wanted (a direct solution), but after a while he realised he was asking fewer question, which give him a confidence boost, creating a positive loop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T12:43:18.040" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T10:37:39.530" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It all depends on the outcome of the &quot;friendship&quot; you have with this person. Do you care about breaking it off with them or not? If you care about breaking it off, take the steps below:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way of dealing with someone like this, is to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell them you will not help&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell them WHY&lt;/strong&gt; you're telling them that you can not help as in tell them how it &lt;strong&gt;affects you&lt;/strong&gt; when they keep asking&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Suggest a way forward with clear boundaries&lt;/strong&gt; - tell him where he can get help instead (sounds like you've already done this, remind him of this) and some boundaries as in: what situations you can help and what situations you can not help.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5511" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T10:37:39.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3709" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3512" CreationDate="2017-09-11T11:04:20.710" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a European I think you have (at least) two very different situations in your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They are mostly those I met on Tinder (on the first date, or during chat within the app)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;or sometimes I met in public (e.g. a girl approaches me while I'm using my laptop at cafe and start to talk for a while)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are on a date with the woman in question, a compliment about her appearance would fit the situation - preferrably a classic like those suggested by Mari-Lou A (&quot;I like the way you smile&quot;, ec.). To be on the safer side, you could also go for a compliment about how nice it is to spend time with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you talk to a stranger who hasn't made her intent on dating clear (your second situation), I'd stay away from comments on her physical appearance because of what DarkPurpleShadow said: it's likely to put her on the defensive and probably decreases your chances of seeing her again rather than increasing them. Try something more low key like &quot;I really enjoyed chatting with you, would you like to meet for coffee some time?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T11:04:20.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="130" CreationDate="2017-09-11T11:05:27.197" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, it's an awkward thing to not reply if you had accepted her number at first place.It happened with me and I was/am committed so what I did was, I said to her that she is a very nice girl, but I am committed and engaged. And she will get to know another good guy. In this way, she didn't feel sorry or awkward and nothing like &quot;being ugly&quot;. So that's the best I can think of rejection without hurting anyone. And regardless of what people say, let's try as far as possible, not to hurt anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5515" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T11:10:43.553" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T11:10:43.553" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3681" CreationDate="2017-09-11T11:33:00.507" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Different people have different ways to communicate love. Regularly communicating love to your partner is part of what a relationship is about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She doesn't need to doubt your love for her for it to feel great that you demonstrate your love for her. Gary Chapman invented the concept of the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.5lovelanguages.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;five love languages&lt;/a&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Gift giving.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;quality time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;words of affirmation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;acts of service (devotion).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;physical touch.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Different individuals communicate their love with a different language and also want to hear that their partner communicates love in a certain way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the examples, you listed she wants words of affirmation. You might gift her flowers every week but receiving gifts isn't enough for her to know she's loved and thus it's not enough for her.&#xA;Afterwards, she sets up situations that pressure you into saying words of affection, to feel loved by yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A key to a good relationship is to understand how your partner wants you to communicate your love to them and also giving your partner an idea about how you want them to communicate that they love you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="92" LastEditorUserId="92" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T11:51:10.027" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T11:51:10.027" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3712" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T11:46:32.590" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been such a friend, and my collegues had a simple solution for me: instead of asking a question from the moment I had a problem, they proposed me to write down my question, and only when I had a list of questions, blocking me, I could come and ask them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following happened: because of their remark I realised that I needed to investigate more for myself, and sometimes just by continuing the work and stumbling upon next information, I managed answering my own previous questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3969" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T11:46:32.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3713" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T11:55:25.380" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;A simple solution is handing them over a work-contract. Let them pay for the work you do, so for a software developer you should charge between 70 and 140 dollar/euro per hour. If he hands you the source code and expects you to fix it, he's trying to hire an outside developer or consultant. Which means it comes with a price, not for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2848" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T11:55:25.380" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3667" CreationDate="2017-09-11T11:59:17.427" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers already here may be effective but I think they don't really address the direct question of how to do this &lt;strong&gt;politely&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just last week I went through a very similar situation, but got through it by &lt;strong&gt;sympathizing&lt;/strong&gt; with the REP (which I can tell you was rather hard given how he was yelling at me). I listed the non-solutions the REP had (repeatedly) offered and said, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, but X, Y, and Z do not solve my problem. I know that you are trying to help me and I understand you may not have been given the authority we need for this special case. If we've exhausted what you are allowed to do, can you please connect me to someone who might be able to help?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As with your case, I was repeatedly told that nobody could help me any better and that talking to the manager would be fruitless. I gently insisted, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Thank you for the warning, but I'd still like to talk to them. This matter is too important to drop.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your corporate behemoth may be different, but in mine it turned out the first &lt;strong&gt;two&lt;/strong&gt; layers of contact were basically there as human shields. The company has hired a foreign call center whose job appears to be to repeatedly offer the same 'solutions' and say that nothing else is possible. I suspect the workers are being judged by how well they prevent calls from escalating up to more expensive employees. It was almost amusing how, when I finally got transfered to the first REP's &quot;manager&quot;, it turned out to be just another person telling me &quot;no&quot; but, this time in an overtly belligerent, dismissive way. Fortunately, reminding myself that this poor chap was being thrown on the frontlines with no power other than to say, &quot;I'm the manager&quot;, gave me the patience to not just hang up on him in response. I really do feel sympathy for those folks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually, that manager transferred me to &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; manager and I was surprised to reach an extremely helpful person. She was even empathetic about her company's outsourced phone support. She suggested that the next time I call, I could get taken right to her &quot;Special Situations Department&quot; by simply saying, &quot;I'd like to speak to a U.S. representative, please.&quot; It turns out the &quot;manager's manager&quot; wasn't a specific person, but anyone at the U.S. call center. (I doubt it works that way in all behemoth conglorporations, but it's worth a shot). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, my experience will give you the patience to deal with your powerless and obstructive REP. Don't be surprised if he's telling the truth and his manager can't help you any better than he can, but don't stop there if that's the case. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5513" LastEditorUserId="5513" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T12:15:09.277" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T12:15:09.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T12:25:28.740" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't give them answers, make them find it themselves.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest instead of providing an answer, or even source code as a solution, ask them questions that lead to them figuring out the answer themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Please, I need some help of you with this.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What is your exact problem?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I just generally don't know how to do XY.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Have you tried googling for a way to do it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No, what should I google for?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, what describes what you need the best and shortest?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and so on. You don't give a solution, just a direction and they need to work out the answer themselves. If they're really stuck, like not understanding the documentation, you can explain it to them in simpler wording if you have time, but &lt;strong&gt;DO NOT give them any solutions&lt;/strong&gt;. That'd teach them that they can get what they want from you if they just ask hard enough and play dumb.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't help, say &quot;No&quot; and &lt;strong&gt;stick to it&lt;/strong&gt;. It doesn't matter where they try to contact you, and if they ask, don't give them the opportunity to argue. No means no, you don't need to justify yourself and your decision is not open for discussion. Make that clear. You help them because you like to, but you're not obliged to do anything for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;On a side note, them showing you their companys source code (or even offering) could be very well illegal, because they probably signed an NDA or similar. But of course, IANAL&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3931" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T12:25:28.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3667" CreationDate="2017-09-11T12:41:43.013" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whether or not a representative should escalate depends on their internal policies and not about whether or not you want him to escalate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The company that you are dealing with might have an internal policy against escalating the issue about which you are calling. A REP in a call center in India might be evaluated on keeping his sticking with fairly specific rules, keeping the time of the call to a minimum and some customer satisfaction score. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might have a rule that when a customer threatens to cancel the contract, he can transfer you. Legal threats might allow a transfer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social media is often handled by a different team. Addressing the company on Twitter might bring you to a person with more power.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="92" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T12:41:43.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3682" CreationDate="2017-09-11T13:34:13.540" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something to consider when offering advice about anything physical...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everyone is built the same way, and people can be sensitive about it if it seems like you're pushing a one-size-fits all solution on them.  Advice meant for a statistically average person can be dangerous to people with unusual builds, and stress all the wrong muscle groups.  For instance, someone who is very barrel-chested may wind up benching with their neck muscles if they use an average-width bench grip (yikes!).  As for stomachs, some men have big bellies even when they have a six-pack, so you may have misinterpreted what was going on.  (I knew a guy who was built like this, and he hated going shirtless at the beach even when he was the fittest person there, because he was embarrassed by his belly.  I don't think he would have liked having someone at the gym point it out.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel you must give advice about lifts, focus on which muscle groups, etc, should be feeling stress, and which shouldn't.  Or perhaps, &quot;Doesn't it hurt your ___, doing it like that?&quot;  You can express your concern in a neutral, pleasant way.  If your guy's 'awkwardness' was due to an unusual build, you probably came across as a self-appointed expert on someone else's body.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5529" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T13:34:13.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3682" CreationDate="2017-09-11T13:34:34.430" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I almost never help these people as they often respond as they did in your example. Just walk away and feel content that you offered help. It's their flaw, not yours. Sometimes you can even use them as a bad example for friends/people who appreciate your advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm wondering &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you told him. In my experience, this type of person has a super fragile ego. If you wish to help them, simple rephrasing might do wonders: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey man, I see you can press an impressive amount of weight! But I also noticed that your technique has a bit of room for improvement.  Can I give you some quick tricks?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That emphasized the amount of weight they're doing, which often is their way of measuring progress/skill, and thus not an &lt;em&gt;&quot;attack/insult&quot;&lt;/em&gt; on their skill. They want the quick solutions, and to look muscular as quickly as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T16:42:13.337" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T16:42:13.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3658" CreationDate="2017-09-11T13:58:47.407" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First my humble opinion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will be honest, your relationship is extremely close to an abusive relationship, even without violence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you said she is prone to anger over the smallest of details, wich means that you're walking on eggshells all the time. Not only is it probably extremely stressfull for you to have to be so careful on an everyday basis, if things keeps getting worse it might become dangerous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also something that can be found in many abusive relationships from &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.safeplaceolympia.org/signs-to-look-for-in-an-abusive-personality/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.safeplaceolympia.org/signs-to-look-for-in-an-abusive-personality/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;An abusive person is easily insulted and claims that their feelings are “hurt” when really they are very mad. The abusive person will “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened – things that are really just part of living such as being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying or being asked to help with chores&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also said that her parents used to act this way during her childhood, but &#xA;there is one difference. You said &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;when some conflict arose they reacted by raising their voices&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; the difference here is that while both of her parents where involved in the shouting, here you just brace for it and take it.&#xA;While I totally understand that you don't want to escalate things, it also means one thing: Her parents were arguing, she is vanting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an argument two people are trying to get their point across. Wich means both persons admit there is a problem to solve. When someone is vanting their anger, they just take any excuse to get angry, and start shouting. And that's a &lt;strong&gt;major&lt;/strong&gt; issue, because, unlike an argument there is no way to argue against someone vanting, because, even if you prove that they are completely wrong, they'll get angry at something else. This is not healthy for you, her, your relationship or any future children you might/might not have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point that is the most concerning to me though is: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;saying she's sorry and will be more careful in the future. Unfortunately, after a just a few days, we are again dealing with the same situation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; This is something that happens extremely often in an abusive relationship, when a man hit a women, or the other way around, many of them will apologise, say &quot;I love you, I'll be better, this won't happens again&quot; but the cycle keeps going again, and again, and again. And the abused keep forgiving the abuser, saying &quot;But they're so great when they're not angry&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you couple that with the fact that after a few years she did not improve, but got &lt;strong&gt;worse&lt;/strong&gt; if thing keeps going the way it does, it might become a really dangerous situtation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can things get better&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she did not improve by herself, then she needs to seek professional help, not only for your sake, but for hers as well. Constantly getting angry is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; a good thing for anyone involved, and a professional will probably be able to teach her how to relativise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that might help too is to try and assert yourself when she gets angry over nothing (If you haven't tried of course). If you're not naturally assertive, and tends to be more passive, there might be some people that might be able to teach you how to be more assertive. (For example where I live, there used to be a course you could take for a small fee -around 100$- to learn how to be more assertive).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another solution a friend of mine used in a similar situation (with his roommate instead of a SO) would be to record one (or several) of her outbursts, and show it to her. Sometime, even when we know we did something wrong, we don't realsie how wrong until we see it from an outsider perspective. While I am not a fan of that kind of solution (it feels like manipulation to me) it worked for him, so it might work for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="6759" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T14:04:18.083" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T14:04:18.083" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3680" CreationDate="2017-09-11T14:18:55.797" Score="6" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Cliques are inherently closed off.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who participate in cliques generally enjoy the exclusiveness, strengthened friendships, and sense of security that comes with them. Of course, there's nothing wrong with this, since perhaps the people involved may have known each other for several/many years, share some fairly unique feature/interest (e.g., having the same alma mater), or, a combination of both. Because of this, those who are already involved in a clique are sometimes somewhat reluctant to inviting new members, and especially &amp;quot;for no reason&amp;quot;. That being said..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Give it time.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though your son is just a transfer from a different floor, he's still probably considered by most as &amp;quot;the new guy&amp;quot;, or, &amp;quot;that other guy&amp;quot;. I would suggest that your son [calmly] keep this in mind, as well as the fact that he'll be working with these people for the next while, so there should be no rush. It may be difficult to do, but &lt;strong&gt;I believe your son's best course of action is to simply play it cool [for now] and let time do its thing&lt;/strong&gt;, and hopefully things will develop organically. &lt;em&gt;Coming off as overly eager is a big turn off for a clique, and will only increase the distance that's between your son and his coworkers.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;So, what can be done for now?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would be a good idea, if your son hasn't already, to &lt;strong&gt;explicitly acknowledge that the people in the clique seem to be good friends&lt;/strong&gt;, making sure to do so with a positive tone of voice (as if he is genuinely happy for them, with good friends being a rarity these days). This could be as simple as casually mentioning it to just one person in the clique, and then starting a conversation as to how they all know each other, who's been here the longest, etc.. &lt;strong&gt;When talking about this, your son should make sure to not offer information about himself, unless he is directly asked.&lt;/strong&gt; Instead, the focus of the conversation should be on his coworkers, and how things operate from a social perspective, on his new floor. Also, &lt;strong&gt;your son should not talk about his old floor, unless directly asked&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By your son engaging in this kind of conversation, he demonstrates that he is interested in learning how &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; floor operates, that he's able to carry on a conversation, and that he's at least curious as to what the social dynamics of the floor are. This is the most passive, nonaggressive your son can be when attempting to communicate that he wants to be considered socially, while at the same time not coming off as pushy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the biggest thing is to be genuine, don't be overly eager, and to demonstrate that [your son] is capable of being social, just like everyone else. And smile, always smile. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2777" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T14:18:55.797" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T14:36:44.213" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in the position of asking for more help than I should, although not in programming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I first started practicing medicine alone (out of residency), it was incredibly stressful; I had no one looking over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't going to harm someone. On &quot;iffy&quot; cases, I had a hard time deciding the best course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best answer I got was from a colleague who told me, do what you think is right, and check with me after. &quot;After&quot; meant after the patient was discharged. I did and he would affirm my decision (or tell me what I did wrong, which was usually minor and fixable. This &quot;relationship&quot; lasted for a few weeks at most. I found my footing. I was forced to rely on my own judgement, which was a great gift. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Within a few years, people were coming to me with hard cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have been kind to this person, but the help needs to either stop now, or take a different course. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is insecure, affirming them when they've made the right decision and helping them to find their mistakes only after they've made them helps to build confidence (unless they never make the right decision.) But make sure there's a limit on the amount of time you'll be a mentor. (e.g. 1 month.) If the person never makes the right decision, they should not continue in that position but should take additional training.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is lazy and only wants help, not to learn, when the time is over - which may be now - ask how long they expect you to do their work for them? It can't be any more rude than blocking them, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T14:36:44.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-11T14:39:14.283" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two separate problems at work here, and I think you may be part of one of them.  And I'm going to disagree with the other answers and say that you also have a problem with empathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first is that he's interrupting before you've finished, which presumably means you haven't fully explained the problem, and hence his &quot;solution&quot; is missing key features.  My partner is particularly bad for this.  I've found that I need to be as brutally blunt as telling her &quot;you're interrupting me again&quot;, in those exact words, before she realises what she's doing.  In any other situation, this would be me being extremely rude.  In this situation though, it's the only way to stop her worse rudeness when she literally starts talking while I'm mid-sentence and derails the whole topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second problem though is what you see as &quot;caring&quot;.  If your partner sees you upset or stressed about something, the natural tendency is to want to help.  This is gender-neutral. Of course if your work is something he knows nothing about then he can't help, but otherwise his inputs could be valid.  You actually aren't asking for him to &quot;listen&quot; though, because listening involves absorbing what you're saying and being one half of a two-way conversation.  What you say you want is for him to pick up on the emotional content of &quot;I'm stressed&quot; but to literally not listen to a word you say.  If you are simply expecting to talk at him and he just sits there like a lump, I'm afraid that's not a very good model of a relationship either.  You're describing wanting an audience for you acting out, not a listener.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He certainly may need to work on how he presents his &quot;solutions&quot;.  If he starts &quot;you should...&quot; then he's going about it wrong.  But asking &quot;have you tried...?&quot; is fair game.  You know he's been listening, and he cares about what you're talking about, but it's respectful to you as the person who's actually responsible for solving the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T14:39:14.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3658" CreationDate="2017-09-11T14:52:44.693" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest she tries cognitive hypnotherapy. It's a solution-focused therapy which helps one change unhelpful behaviours or reactions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a bit more info about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/jul/06/healthandwellbeing.relaxation18&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/jul/06/healthandwellbeing.relaxation18&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like her brain perceives even the slightest remarks from you as a threat so it reacts (fight, flight or freeze) and in her case, the automatic reaction is to fight (shout at you). It sounds like in childhood her brain wired badly and copied her parents' behaviour and now she does it automatically, she can't help it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had similar issues (used to be very short in my answers) and cognitive hypnotherapy helped me change this automatic unhelpful reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a database where she can find a qualified therapist: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.qchpa.com/therapist-finder/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.qchpa.com/therapist-finder/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5511" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T14:52:44.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3681" CreationDate="2017-09-11T14:55:49.887" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you do depends on how much you want to remain in a relationship with this person. &lt;strong&gt;Do you want to stay if it never stops?&lt;/strong&gt; Because it might not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't just done for fun; some of it is insecurity, some may be an attempt to control you, and some of it is a mild form of abuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes she goes to her hometown and would say I am not coming back...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why would anyone do this? It is very unkind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good relationships are based in part on trust. Relationships without trust sometimes look like yours. If she doesn't trust you after a year, why is she still with you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've never given her a reason to doubt you, and you want this relationship to continue, tell her that you're concerned by her lack of trust and ask her what she expects from you that would help her feel less insecure (maybe there is something you're not doing that she needs.) If she reveals that you're not (x) enough (e.g. x = affectionate), and it's reasonable, give it a go. If (x) is unreasonable, and you can't see yourself ever doing that, it's time to let her know that she will never be happy in the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T14:55:49.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3726" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3681" CreationDate="2017-09-11T14:59:06.427" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It really depends on the level of it happening.  If it's a lot, then where I am from that is called &quot;playing games&quot;.  Testing someone who doesn't &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; (at least not formally) that they are being tested, isn't a healthy dynamic for a solid relationship.  You clearly aren't enjoying it.  It is something you need to be clear with her that you do not like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are smaller ways women might do this though, common ones.  She might put on a dress and ask how she looks.  She likely &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; you to tell her she looks amazing.  Most don't want to hear that it's unflattering or that you hate that print or color.  It is a reasonable side step for you to say something like, &quot;You look great but the blue one looks amazing on you&quot;.  That assumes there is a blue dress you do in fact like more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 5 love languages was already mentioned so I won't repeat that part.  From what you describe it sounds like she is someone who &lt;em&gt;require&lt;/em&gt; words of affirmation to &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; loved.  Some people can easily blow that off as thinking it's trivial, that you &quot;stroking their ego&quot;, etc.  If you love someone though, it is important to show them your love in a way that makes them &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; loved.  If that is words of affirmation, then you have to find a way to get yourself accustomed to speaking things to them that make them feel noticed, feel good, tells them how you feel.  If you don't, you can risk them feeling unsure of your feelings, rejected even at times, and uneasy about where they stand with you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then there are actual insecurity issues.  I cannot know whether that is what is going on based on not knowing her at all, but you might be able to ascertain that.  If someone is deeply insecure, they &lt;em&gt;can be&lt;/em&gt; a bottomless pit, so much so that no matter how many times or ways you tell them you love them (and mean it), they will forever need more.  It's what I personally think of as an emotional vampire.  I have only dated one and it was exhausting.  It also got worse the longer we were together, not better.  Overall I really did like him and we &lt;em&gt;may have&lt;/em&gt; had some future, but I couldn't keep up with his need to be constantly reassured that I was invested, and as time progressed he also added in strange jealousies that started to spread to &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; person I was close with.  He could be jealous of how close I was to my sister and wanted to know if I tell her things I don't tell him.  What you describe didn't sound like that, but I thought I would put it out there because sometimes such minor things &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be linked to deeper more troubling behaviors.  Sometimes it can simply be that we really &lt;em&gt;haven't&lt;/em&gt; demonstrated to them our love in a way that makes them feel special.  It's not something I can say one way or another about strangers, but you certainly could figure that out by knowing her the way you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T14:59:06.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3728" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3731" CreationDate="2017-09-11T15:48:12.093" Score="9" ViewCount="1967" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; version:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people expect you to act in a certain manner, and keep pestering you with &quot;why&quot;s and &quot;what's the problem&quot;s when you don't. While the asker thinks she is being helpful, you know her reaction to a truthful response would be negative and outright harmful. What answer should I give to those questions, if I want to stay on good terms, yet don't want to use outright lies?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case it matters, the specific situation at hand follows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some recurring depression/anxiety episodes, lasting for a few months at a time. While I manage to deal with it and keep functioning, I have to avoid any non-vital social interactions. Some of my relatives took offence to my ignoring or slow (as in, a few months later) response to their calls/emails. Thus I was recently confronted a few times with questions along the lines of &quot;Why won't you reply, do you hate us?&quot;. The thing is, I know those people well enough, and I know they share the common prejudice against mental disorders. They nearly put me into a mental asylum once already, and I'd rather avoid that. On the other hand, outside of that topic we are on good terms, and I'd rather not cut off ties by answering &quot;Yeah, I hate you, even if only for half of a year&quot;. So far I've been stalling with refusing to answer and promising to be more responsive in the future, but a) that doesn't satisfy them and b) that's not a promise I can fulfil. Is there a way out of this without burning bridges?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5539" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-10-21T05:55:49.337" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T16:45:34.100" Title="How to politely deflect a &quot;What's the problem&quot; question when the straight answer shouldn't be given?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;russia&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3728" CreationDate="2017-09-11T16:17:05.667" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I am stressed or going through a difficult time I have learned that I need to limit who I interact with as well, particularly people (whom I love) that are likely to incidentally add stress or anxiety to my life.  I have to feel &quot;up to&quot; handling being in contact with them.  I also get similar type questions.  I can offer what I say.  They do not love it, but I have come to the conclusion there is no explanation I am willing to offer that they &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; love.  They want me to not have times I take a leave from interacting and any &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; answer is likely not welcomed, so I remind myself it is not my &lt;em&gt;job&lt;/em&gt; to ensure they are pleased.  What I say is something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have had a lot going on personally.  My absence isn't about you, so&#xA;  please do not take it personally.  When I am under a lot of&#xA;  pressure/stress, I sometimes pull back from being able to engage as&#xA;  much with others as it helps me be better able to handle what is on my&#xA;  plate.  I am sorry if that is frustrating.  I can understand why it&#xA;  would be.  I do it simply because it is a coping mechanism and it&#xA;  helps me be better able to handle my own life.  If something is urgent&#xA;  or you really need to reach me then you can contact me through (insert&#xA;  your answer here).  Otherwise, I hope that you can accept this is one&#xA;  of my quirks and I am sorry that this is in any way hard for you that I&#xA;  operate this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I offer them the ability to contact me via a text to another phone.  Overall most people have been willing to accept it and respect not to try to contact me over minor things using that.  They don't &quot;like&quot; it, but they do respect my boundary with it.  I wish I could tell you how long that took, but a while.  It wasn't instant.  I know I had people bring it up here and there over different times (same people, bringing it up again).  I just stick to the same basic response as above, as many times as I have to say it.  There &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; people I am always in contact with.  There are many who I am only in contact with &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; I feel I can handle them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T16:17:05.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-11T16:20:16.953" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A strategy I have used is to start asking them questions that will lead them to their solution. Which debugger are you using? How do you know the value of the item_count variable? What code created that file?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am pressed into giving and answer, I like to give only the next breadcrumb that they should follow in the direction of a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3435" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T16:20:16.953" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3728" CreationDate="2017-09-11T16:24:26.123" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Given there is a risk of being thrown into a mental asylum, I think you may have to be a bit harsh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Explanation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's get this clear. You have clinical depression. While it is hard to understand, the best and easiest thing to do is to give you your space. Let you be a little bit on your own, give you time. Room to breathe, if you will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is horrible that your family does not understand that. My wife's mom admitted my wife in the psychiatric hospital because she was having a manic breakdown. My wife suffers from severe bipolar disorder and anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What my mother in law had to say to that was: &amp;quot;I was looking out for you, I wanted the best for you&amp;quot;. My wife tells me all the time: &amp;quot;I'd rather spend the rest of my life in prison than be a single day in the mental hospital&amp;quot;. She HATES that place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they've already considered throwing you in one of those hellholes, you need to tread VERY carefully. Anything in the lines of &amp;quot;oh I was feeling a bit low..&amp;quot; would automatically mean, &amp;quot;Welp, off you go to the psych ward&amp;quot;. It might not be that extreme with your family, I am exaggerating for dramatics. But still..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few directions you go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Make up for not talking much or for your prolonged silence:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother has bipolar disorder too and he hardly talks to my(/his) mom. He is a sly sneaky guy. This is what he does:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He doesn't talk for months.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When he finally feels like talking and decides to talk, he talks for hours! Literally, hours. My mom gets on the phone with him and talks to him for 2-3 hours.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does that do to my mom? She feels really happy and satisfied. Of course, the call started with a lot of frustration from my mom. &amp;quot;Why didn't you call for so long? What is wrong? Why do you hate us&amp;quot; kind. But he just gives some random excuses/lies and then starts talking about his life in general, gets my mom excited about things. The reason he doesn't just tell her he does not feel like it because of his mental state is not because of the fear of being thrown in a mental hospital. I am Indian and in India, mental disorders are not a thing. No one recognizes that as an actual disease. If he says that he has bipolar disorder, my mom would probably say &amp;quot;no you don't, stop making stuff up.&amp;quot; OR  &amp;quot;Just call us and talk to us, you will feel happy&amp;quot;. So, he does not even try to explain all that to them and just make them forget about his silence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think you will never be comfortable enough to talk for that long or if you feel like they come to you and act pissy to you about you not talking BEFORE you could get comfortable enough to talk for a long time, take a look at the next option:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Come up with something better than empty promises:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how good you are at lying, but you may want to work on your lying skills. Going back to my brother's behavior:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he does not feel like talking and it has been a few months, he has to say something so my mom would stop calling him 20 times a day. What does he do? Calls her up and makes something up and hangs right back up. Few examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in the middle of a shoot mom, I will call right back up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My cat is sick, I am at the vet's hospital. I will call you back in an hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You get the idea. Something that will get you off the hook for that instant. But then of course, you are expected to call back in a week or so at least. No one spends an entire week at the vet's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing that indicates your mental health is an option here. So that narrows down our options!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been feeling a bit low for the past few days&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need some time to think stuff over&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going through a difficult time right now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are a few more masterpieces my brother has used so far:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was going for a run and my phone fell off my pocket and into a puddle. I've not been able to afford a new one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was heavy winds and the electricity pole outside our house broke, so I haven't had power (and yes, he said he didn't have power for literally 2 months).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My cat died, so I needed time to get over that sadness (his cat actually did die, but he recouped from that in a week and spoke to ME, just not to mom).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in the forest for a shoot, so had no cell reception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've just been really busy at work/school. I've been having a hard time understanding something/I have a very tight deadline on something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of these are a bit over the top and my mom knows it. My brother just doesn't care. These are excuses they cannot deny. It is YOUR story, YOUR life. They cannot say it is not true, they don't know it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't mention how old you are in the question, so I do not know who you live with or what your current occupation is. So depending upon that, you may want to change these a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some times, my brother does a preemptive lie routine. Where he calls my mom up out of the blue and tell her that he has an important assignment and won't be able to talk for a few months because it is off the coast of China. That could come in handy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, the one thing that REALLY helps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever you get out of your depressive state, take the initiative and call them without them asking you to. Just pick up the phone and talk to them in a happy note. Make them feel important to you and that you thought about them. This eventually starts feeling like a chore, but this will make absolutely sure they know you still love them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, telling them the truth is not going to be an option for you and telling them you will keep up with them more in the future isn't either. The best you can do is make sure they still like you and accept that you just don't talk to them as often as they want you to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do whatever it takes to ensure that and I think that will help you have your room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T16:24:26.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3682" CreationDate="2017-09-11T17:10:42.513" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just say to yourself you did the right thing. It's pretty natural to get angry when someone points to your mistakes, I know this happened to me as well. At least you can be sure your advice didn't go unnoticed, even if the behavior didn't change (it may take time for the guy to accept his mistake). I wouldn't alert anyone else right away, since that would only shame him more, unless there's a significant risk of trauma with long-lasting consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see the guy later on doing the exercise the right way, just say hi. You may get your well-deserved &quot;thank you for the advice&quot; belatedly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T17:10:42.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3682" CreationDate="2017-09-11T17:11:38.910" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've already done all that you are obliged to do - more than that in fact.  Advice on how to use equipment safely is not solicited nor required by this person, so offering it is a step beyond what you actually needed to do for him - if you wish, you can let it go and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your concern is for this person's well-being and safety, and you really care about them (for whatever reason), you can go even further beyond necessary and offer to spot for them - even knowing that they're using an inappropriate technique - so that if they &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; injure themselves, you'll be able to help them when it happens.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this is beyond what is necessary - you don't technically need to interact with them at all.  But if you're committed to helping them, you could offer this in addition to what you've already offered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they stilly say no - well, that's their decision.  Pressing it would be rude, so the only thing you really &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; do at that point is to move on.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T17:11:38.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3658" CreationDate="2017-09-11T17:16:02.460" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was like your girlfriend. I went from calm to going total nut job angry over small issues. Adding to that my wife also has a strong character did not help the situation and we where close to a divorce. What helped us? Professional advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Including me, there are going to be a lot of people that tells you what could help resolve this situation but to be honest nothing is going to be 100% right to fix this problem unless it comes from a professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, comes the hard part with what you will really need help, showing her that she needs help. With me it was my wife giving me a deadline to fix myself. I had half a year to go to psychiatrist before she would go to get a lawyer for the divorce. Take into note that I already knew our constant fights where hurting her emotionally but since she kept forgiving me I thought that every thing was ok until our next fight. So forgiving her even when is needed, is not going to help her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to stand your ground telling her that she is hurting you and that you want to be happy with her but only if she gets attention. Explain to her that having a mental issue is no different from having the flu or other types of disease. The brain and its chemistry can be affected by external factors and they need healing treatments. Only that in most cases it not a virus, it is our past that caused those changes in our brain and its chemistry. Also, if not treated, they can cause greater damage. In my case was an untreated depression that i had for 20+ years. Now imagine a heart disease untreated for that long period of time, well, depression can also cause great damage if untreated for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her that getting help is not the same as being crazy, actually stats say that more than 1/4 the world population of adults have a mental disease. So its actually pretty common.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you will also have to take a decision, if she goes to seek help, you will also have to help her with her treatment. So you will have to decide if you have the strength to go thru that with her. It is not an easy path, but if you love her, you will find a way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T17:16:02.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3736" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3737" CreationDate="2017-09-11T18:03:26.517" Score="8" ViewCount="1403" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a software developer. We are a small team of 13 people. This is my first job and I have been with this team for the past one year. I am quite an introvert and don't speak much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is with this fellow developer who has been with the team for past five years and whom I was close with during the earlier months. I stopped hanging with him when I noticed that he speaks behind the back and he forced me to do things I am not comfortable doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then I notice a tone of authority and disdain in the way he speaks to me. Whenever I make a mistake (who doesn't?), he comes with a grin on his face and points it out. He now treats me as if I do not know anything and he tries to belittle me in front of my superior. Whenever my boss talks to me he doesn't let me speak and he answers instead (Now my boss has a negative feeling that I am not so good because I need protection). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has become quite a pedantic correcting trifling stuff. Today he came to me saying that he edited all 'the garbage' which I have written just to follow best practices to just prove that he's right. I stopped hanging with him because I don't like those talk behind the back types. And I think that hurt his ego because of his seniority (I believe what I did is right).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never said anything till now. I just kept nodding and did my job. I am running out of patience. How can I make this comportment stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5546" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T16:05:40.683" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T16:05:40.683" Title="How to deal with condescension?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3737" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3736" CreationDate="2017-09-11T18:20:44.443" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Of course you need to stand up for yourself!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you've described now is a &lt;strong&gt;workplace bullying.&lt;/strong&gt; This should not be tolerated and &lt;em&gt;you should report to your HR about this.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Document whenever this happens, especially when he does that in the presence of another colleague. Be detailed and include the date and time. Present the note as evidence to the HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this won't work out, &lt;strong&gt;find a new job.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, whenever this happens, you should fight back &quot;politely&quot;. Ask him firmly to stop the behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please stop talking to me with that tone. You are not my boss/superior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he interrupt you or won't give a chance to talk to your boss&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, can you wait for a moment? I need to talk with Mr. Boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he belittle you after a mistake&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for pointing that out. But please stop talking down to me like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring him is already a good start. If his behavior worsened, &lt;strong&gt;tell him you're taking this to HR.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The idea is to get this bullying to stop.&lt;/strong&gt; There's no point in salvaging your relationship with this senior. If the HR won't take any action toward this person, find a new job. &lt;em&gt;You wouldn't want to work in a place that allows bullying.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, he didn't get fired, and you can't find a new job, &lt;strong&gt;stay professional.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-11T18:26:41.927" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T18:26:41.927" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3654" CreationDate="2017-09-11T20:49:41.080" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Find a job where your character is an asset instead of a burden: I have a similar character, that was also annoying for other people. Now I'm working as a software programmer and tester, every bit must be correct, and this fits exactly with my error-detecting and error-solving character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3969" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T20:49:41.080" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3744" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8821" CreationDate="2017-09-11T21:21:14.537" Score="13" ViewCount="4199" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;Sub&gt;This is no longer a problem, as he has moved on and I have retired, but I still don't know how it could/should have been handled. I'll write it in the present tense, though.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My employer in the Emergency Department (who is also a family friend) will give me a back-handed compliment several times a year. They seem to come out of the blue and always take me by surprise. They usually take the &quot;I don't know why, but...&quot; form. Examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know why, but that patient had a lot of nice things to say about you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I don't know why, but they really want you to volunteer there again.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I don't know why, but they were very impressed with you and want you to go back (when I did a stint for the hospital filling in for a doctor in one of their satellite offices.)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His daughter was our babysitter. Out of the blue, he said,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know why, but Alice really respects you, and looks up to you as a role model.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These comments hurt me personally and leave me confused. In my defense, I am considered to be a very good doctor; the nurses ask for me when they or their family members are sick, and the Nursing Supervisor told my boss - I don't know under what circumstances - that she thought I was an outstanding clinician and made the most challenging diagnoses. I don't get many complaints of any kind. We have monthly meetings for quality assurance feedback (missed diagnoses, inappropriate treatment, patient complaints, etc.) and semi-annual one-on-one evaluations which go well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also does praise my work occasionally, though, and often asks my opinion on difficult cases when we happen to have overlapping shifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what to say. Usually my responses are,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Thank you?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-Why are you saying that?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-Is there something I should know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did tell him that phrasing things that way puzzled me and that I thought it was hurtful. He doesn't seem to understand what the problem is. He denies that the phrasing is awkward or subject to a negative interpretation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to handle a boss's back-handed compliment that hurts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T17:19:19.247" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T21:25:03.597" Title="How to deal with an employer's backhanded compliments?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;&lt;employers&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3744" CreationDate="2017-09-11T22:20:09.667" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;Without hearing the actual intonation it's hard to know, but it is possible that the &amp;quot;I don't know why&amp;quot; has two interpretations: one is the offensive one that you're thinking of, but it could also mean &amp;quot;I don't know what awesome thing that you did for X, but they were really impressed with you&amp;quot;. Is it possible that the boss actually means it in the second way? After all, as you say you are good at your job and he asks you opinion, so it seems like he does respect you at least somewhat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case one thing to try is respond to with a quick suggestion as to &amp;quot;why&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boss: I don't know why, but Alice really respects you, and looks up to you as a role model.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Oh well, I did help her out with [THING], I'm glad she found my efforts valuable&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least it would give you the apportunity to make him more aware of the good things that you do, that would hopefully offset the negative feelings that the phrasing causes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-11T22:20:09.667" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3750" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11991" CreationDate="2017-09-12T01:50:16.380" Score="-7" ViewCount="935" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Assumptions&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can interact with only this person (e.g. a client, or the most senior person at a corporation who can help) whom I abbreviate CP (for &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/counterparty&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;counterparty&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;CP can't easily be telephoned, or meet in person (e.g. CP's in another country).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Difficulty&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The difficulty is explained in my draft below that is too offensive, but I present my true feelings to be as clear as possible. Please help me to subdue thee tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear CP:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually never hear from you for weeks unless I chase. You then confirm receiving my original email, but usually state your necessity for more time to deal with the matter before replying again.  Yet I still need chase you, despite requesting in one of my first emails to you that you email me back on reception of my emails, to offer me certainty that you received my original emails even if you need more time, while I wait for your second reply. My chasing you for almost every email that I send you, mentally distresses me. How can we solve this communication difficulty?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T15:40:15.073" Title="How to persuade someone who never replies promptly to email you, if they need more time?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="13" ClosedDate="2019-02-28T16:33:16.843" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3751" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4424" CreationDate="2017-09-12T02:25:51.680" Score="-10" ViewCount="1616" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are cleverer retorts than 1 and 2 below? 1 and 2 don't deflect busybodies; revealing that busybodies' questions bother you, can incite them to interrogate further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'd prefer not to answer that.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I hope you’ll understand that that is a question I would find it embarrassing / indiscreet / a breach of confidentiality / too personal to answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;I've tried to deflect using humour, but failed:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[ &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mannersmentor.com/social-situations/how-to-graciously-answer-nosy-questions&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Source&lt;/a&gt; :] Bob: “How much are you paid?”&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: “Half what I’m worth!”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob: How much did that cost?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me:“Not as much as it looks like.” &#xA;  OR&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  ME:“I got a good deal.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assume that such bodybodies continue to interrogate, while ignoring any tries to  &lt;a href=&quot;http://lifehacker.com/how-to-answer-the-awkward-private-questions-your-famil-1747202575&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;change the subject&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other examples of prying questions: &#xA;- &lt;em&gt;What do you do for a living?&lt;/em&gt; &#xA;- &lt;em&gt;What's your occupational history?&lt;/em&gt; &#xA;- &lt;em&gt;What roles did you have before your current role?&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T05:03:31.463" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T05:03:31.463" Title="How to deter busybodies when polite deflections fail, without revealing their questions to bother you?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="17" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-02-28T16:03:35.567" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-12T02:57:35.923" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Focus on the (or at least before) aspect of your question. Give up on 'instead'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am quite similar to your spouse in this regard. My wife is quite similar to you in this regard. We have had exactly the same issue as you. We have arrived at a place where both of us manage to communicate and meet in the middle, without the need for one or the other of us to change as fundamentally as you seem to wish your spouse to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I consider listening to someone's problem and not doing my best to help them solve the problem to be rude. To my mind, if there is a problem, a solution is needed. Everyone who is effected by the problem (or empathises with someone who is) should contribute to this solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This IS your spouse empathising. In his mind, saying &quot;oh that terrible, poor you&quot; is about as useful as sending your hopes and prayers to people effected by a hurricane. It's nice, but they would probably prefer some food and water. He is saying that he agrees your problem is bad, and that he cares enough about you to want to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might not look like empathy to you, but it is how your spouse shows empathy. You two are speaking different languages. It might be easier for you to learn how to understand 'problem solving empathy' than it would be for him to learn to speak 'listening empathy'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on the positives. You have a spouse who is taking the time to discuss these things with you, and he is doing his best to empathise with you. He is doing this because he loves you. If someone he didn't care about complained to him about a problem, he would simply give a quick &quot;that sucks&quot; and move on without making an attempt to help solve the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, there is the (or at least before) aspect of the problem, which you can help your spouse work on. Assuming he's an technical type, he should be used to doing this at work, and it shouldn't be against his nature to do this at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point to the below advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“If I had an hour to solve a problem, I’d spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.” - Albert Einstein&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This advice (focus on problems first, solutions last) is mirrored in similar sayings in virtually all good tech/consultancy companies. See &lt;a href=&quot;https://medium.com/user-research/never-ask-what-they-want-3-better-questions-to-ask-in-user-interviews-aeddd2a2101e&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; for advice on why you should never ask users of your software what solutions they want. You should identify problems with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leaping to solutions before hearing, understanding, and asking questions about the problem will not work in business, and it will not work at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not try to convince your spouse not to offer solutions. Convince him to &lt;a href=&quot;http://lesswrong.com/lw/ka/hold_off_on_proposing_solutions/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;hold off on proposing solutions&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your spouse will arrive at better solutions, which makes him feel like he helped more, which will make him feel better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your spouse will arrive at better solutions. Occasionally, some of these solutions might actually be a good idea, and better than anything you'd thought of to that point.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and most importantly,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Will allow you more time for you to discuss the problem with your spouse listening intently/asking questions, without interrupting with solutions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="405" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T02:57:35.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3750" CreationDate="2017-09-12T04:54:40.587" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here are my assumptions based on what you've posted so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're obviously not a native English speaker (that's ok, neither am I).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to know for certain how English speakers should perceive your words. That's problematic, considering you're not a native English speaker, and yet you don't seem to listen to what some of the better English speakers are telling you in the comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;counterparty&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only the acronym &quot;CP&quot; was inappropriate, but the word itself &quot;counterparty&quot; is inappropriate for the context given. The language you use is way too formal. Even the way you structure your question with assumptions and context is too formal. This isn't your fault. Foreigners are taught formal English and formal structure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the same way Americans are taught formal French, when instead they should be taught conversational French. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;or meet in person &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should be &quot;or met in person&quot; with only one 'e'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Holding Replies&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not using &quot;Holding Replies&quot; correctly. You can argue you know how to use that expression, but the grammatical structure you're using is not correct at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your message is very vague. For instance, the following sentence is so vague, it really doesn't mean anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In most of our communication, I often do not hear from you for days,&#xA;  but I understand the necessity of more time before replying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of? For days? More time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to say something, please say it, but please be more specific. By days, do you mean that she didn't reply to you over the weekend? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;mentally distresses and exhausts me,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These words do not work in that context. The term you need to use is &quot;frustrated&quot; as in &quot;I was frustrated by your...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In most of our communication, I often do not hear from you for days, but I understand the necessity of more time before replying. Despite requesting (in one of my first emails to you) Holding Replies from you to allow me certainty that you received my original emails, I still do not not receive Holding Replies from you. My chasing you for almost every email that I send you, mentally distresses and exhausts me, and suggests your not wishing to communicate with me: is this true? How can we solve this problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That block of text is too verbose. it should be broken up into shorter paragraphs/sentences and it should be made much shorter overall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here I would suggest that you schedule a twice a week Skype meeting at a set time and at set dates, whether there is something to report or nothing to report (until the project is completed). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Despite requesting (in one of my first emails to you) Holding Replies from you to allow me certainty that you received my original emails, I still do not not receive Holding Replies from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're using email as a project management tool. It is not meant to be used that way. Please use one of these &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_project_management_software&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;tools&lt;/a&gt; instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I like &lt;a href=&quot;https://asana.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Asana&lt;/a&gt;, but ideally, you should try using what people in your industry are using (unless they're also only using email). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you may like to use a go-between like oDesk (now called Upwork) assuming she's a contractor. Now, I could ask you if she's a contractor, but you're so secretive, I have a feeling you won't tell me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;oDesk used to take timed screenshots of a contractor's screen and generated a daily working diary out of it, that the contractor could annotate. And I am assuming that Upwork kept that feature. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T00:30:49.117" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T00:30:49.117" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2017-09-12T05:00:19.730" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't find it rude.  I was born in one hemisphere, raised for 10 years in one area of another, and then traveled to the far end of the continent that I was on.  Throughout my teens and twenties (and perhaps early thirties), people seem to be interested in knowing where my accent comes from.  I have no idea.  In numerous different geographical regions, including places I've lived before, people have asked me that.  (And, ultimately, my answer is that I didn't know.  It wasn't clearly identifiable as any place I've been before, because when I've gone to any of those places, people have asked me that same question there too.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the OP's question, someone thought the provided answer didn't provide the desired information, so more information was sought.  Congratulations on being found interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;A HREF=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanlon%27s_razor&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Don't ascribe to malice what can be plainly explained by incompetence.&quot;&lt;/A&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember reading somewhere (in recent months)-- there are plenty of intentionally rude things that bad people do on purpose.  If you're going to pick battles, choose one of them.  Don't waste your life's efforts getting worked up over minor incidents like unintentional misunderstandings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T05:00:19.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3744" CreationDate="2017-09-12T07:24:12.473" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; A back-handed compliment is still a compliment (although with some sort of qualification that makes it &lt;em&gt;less than a proper compliment&lt;/em&gt;) -- please remember that some people and some cultures are not very comfortable with expressing or receiving fulsome praise and prefer to express approval through understatement or back-handed compliments.  Example (typically British, I should think):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Employee A does a brilliant and crucial job for his employer B.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later B says: &amp;quot;not bad, old chap -- though I feel you could improve on that presentation a fair bit. I don't know why but they all thought you were jolly good...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now actually A has pulled the business out of the fire and B &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;really appreciates it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; but this is how he chooses to express it. This is good communication only if B knows for sure that A can understand the cultural context and will be sure to interpret it as a fulsome compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; Another interpretation of the type of back-handed compliment you cited could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh well I can't see it so much myself &lt;strong&gt;but they think&lt;/strong&gt; you did very well there/ you have these qualities&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;where &amp;quot;but they think&amp;quot; is a grudging admission of legitimacy as conferred by other people's valid opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 'I don't know why' can also be interpreted as self-reflexive irony (as in, &lt;em&gt;I am the only one who doesn't know why&lt;/em&gt;) but your actual impression will depend on tone of voice, inflexion and facial expression as already suggested by the earlier answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what to do if someone keeps giving you back-handed compliments?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Accept, resent or ignore.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are your options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A back-handed compliment is not nearly as bad as outright, cutting disagreement/ criticism/ slander which creates a hostile and anxious interpersonal equation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned to look at all criticism objectively after the initial hurt and confusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is the criticism valid and can I improve?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If yes it is  constructive criticism. We can take it in good faith and try to improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the criticism is not valid, just ignore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If the person is being inversely affectionate, bear with it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is being unknowingly hurtful, ignore and pray for them to get better sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is being deliberately hurtful, then you can still ignore if possible, but you have every right to resent such a 'backhanded compliment.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again in that last case I wouldn't say anything about it (and provide them that satisfaction) but simply &lt;strong&gt;give them the big freeze.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With due respect to whoever, you don't need their approval.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt; for clarification of that last statement, based on OP's comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would much rather be told I did something wrong so I can work on it. With this method, he doesn't tell me [...] so this is especially disturbing. But of course I need his approval; he's my boss. He's going to be writing my letter of recommendation if I look for another job. – anongoodnurse&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was my response from personal experience:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem @anongoodnurse is we don't control or even influence the way another person expresses themself. I had a horrid boss who was most hostile, vulgar and spiteful while criticizing me in public and private. I resented it a lot and left the job for fear of being 'set up' for a disastrous fall. Later I was able to see much of her criticism was prompted by her own stress and &lt;em&gt;valid from her perspectives&lt;/em&gt;. But I couldn't have satisfied her under the circumstances and was right to get out before she punished me for it. You dont want to be dependent on the approval of any boss is what I mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If their approval matters to your prospects professionally, then surely you should try to make yourself less dependent (professionally) on their opinion, by doing whatever is technically required to improve your professional options, but I was making the more philosophical point here that &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;my mind is my own independent domain&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;you don't need their approval&amp;quot; means that &lt;strong&gt;nobody else shall determine how you feel about your own abilities and about yourself.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T21:05:07.993" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3759" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-12T10:13:55.927" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T10:13:55.927" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T10:13:55.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3760" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-12T10:13:55.927" Score="0" Body="For questions about being assertive and confident, without appearing to be aggressive. It means being able to defend your own rights in a calm and positive way.&#xD;&#xA;&#xD;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T10:42:59.010" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T10:42:59.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3761" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-12T10:25:34.050" Score="15" ViewCount="27408" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background Information:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, I don't have enough time. It's an annoying problem that I guess most people share, but it still bothers me. I have so many things I want to do (books to read, stories to write, pictures to draw, games to play, software to develope, languages to learn, tv shows to watch, stuff to read up on, etc.) that I never have time to do them all. A lot of these things I also have to schedule with my friends so that complicates matters even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have games I want to play sooo much but I can't find the time because there are other things I want to do even more. I've been wanting to learn Korean for quite some time now but while I can write and read it, I never had time for it to go beyond that (meaning I don't know what the things I'm writing or reading mean).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just hanging out talking about stuff seems like such a huge waste of time and I keep thinking about all the things I'd rather do, no matter how much I try not to. I can tolerate it in short bursts (half an hour maximum), but that's about my limit without being bored out of my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same goes for going out to drink. People always seem confused about that part but going drinking just bores the hell out of me. And then it also wastes a big part of the next day, which makes it even worse. There are just so many better things to do...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still do it sometimes... I mean... I do give in at some point when people keep asking again and again. When a friend really 'needs' a drink, I won't let him drink alone either. I don't actually have a problem with drinking and I know I also feel good while I'm drunk, so I get why others like it so much, but for me personally, there are just better things to do with my time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now so far, I've lived a pretty happy life (and plan on continuing to do so).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a roommate with whom I shared no interests whatsoever. I still liked him and we were on good terms but we never really hung out. Basically: The world was good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we got a new, additional roommate, with her boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And they... I don't know... they just seem bored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They basically only have one hobby, which is great but they can't do it all the time (would be too expensive) and I don't have any interest in that hobby and won't ever even try it because the money it would cost and the time I would have to invest before even being able to try it just don't seem reasonable (they like to drive around on motorcycles and I would have to at the very least get a license to even try that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So they hang out in our kitchen and my other roommates room a lot. Both of which is fine, I don't even mind the times they are loud. I'm really good at tuning out background noises. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, they keep trying to rope me into spending time with them. When they hang out with my other roommate, they want me to join them. When they are in the kitchen (which is right next to my room), they keep knocking and asking me questions (really polite and even nice questions, but I'd still prefer them not interrupting me). They cook too much food and invite me to join them (alright, alright, this one isn't actually that much of a problem ;)). They ask me to go shopping with them. And so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's generally all extremely nice of them, but the problem is that spending time with them is boring to me. I really like them. I think they're great people. But I just don't have much in common with them and I keep feeling like I'm just wasting time when I hang out with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I should mention: We do all like to play board games and we already had a couple of fun evenings with it. I would not want to make that a daily - or even weekly - thing though, especially because unlike me, they really like to drink a lot during those evenings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They don't share any of my other interests and seem to be completely baffled that I enjoy them so much. They are extremely unlikely to understand that sitting alone in my room reading a book is more appealing to me than - for example - going for a drink with them and I feel like saying it like that will come across very, very wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do talk to them a couple of times a day (and that part doesn't have to change as far as I'm concerned), always friendly and nice, genuinely interested in what they're saying (I really am) and even when I'm annoyed by them interrupting me or asking me to spend time with them I always remain as polite as possible. I've also never been in a bad mood or just brushing them aside or anything like that when interacting with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that they already know I'm trying to keep my distance from them, and I also know that it bothers them. I don't know if they think I don't like them or that I'm just being rude or maybe they think I'm too... idk... scared...? to ask to hang out with them but in my heart of hearts really want to...?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, I'd like to sit down with them and try to explain the situation but no matter how I try to phrase it in my mind, it just keeps sounding incredibly rude and unfriendly and I can't imagine them really understanding it, even if I do explain. I would very much like to stay on good terms with them (as I said: I DO like them and I'm still gonna have to live with them after all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be a good way to explain this to them without offending them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2165" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T16:32:01.110" Title="How to politely tell my roommates that I don't want to spend time with them?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3762" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3763" CreationDate="2017-09-12T11:37:19.417" Score="21" ViewCount="14558" Body="&lt;p&gt;I found some topic in the internet that I thought would be interesting to some friend; I know him well but he is not a close friend, we didn't hang out at all, we just met each other a few days at some Institute. That friend didn't ask me for anything. I just loved to share that link with him through Facebook messenger. He replied with &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Thank you&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I reply?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4872" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T12:54:10.783" Title="I sent an interesting link to a friend that he didn't ask for at all, and he replied with &quot;thank you&quot; - what should I reply?" Tags="&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;instant-messaging&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3762" CreationDate="2017-09-12T11:40:43.753" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're overthinking this a little, they're thankful for what you sent them. A simple &quot;you're welcome&quot; would suffice, but if you want to carry the conversation on, you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're very welcome, I thought you might like it when I saw it and had to share it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can trigger further conversation about the topic you shared and it also gets the point across that you thought of them when you saw the information on the internet. I'd be happy to hear that, as would others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As @Vangaurd3000 rightly points out in the comments, in the future when you're sending a link to someone. You might want to add &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I thought you might like it when I saw it and had to share it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;alongside it, instead of afterward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T15:08:52.413" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T15:08:52.413" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3764" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3762" CreationDate="2017-09-12T11:42:59.460" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;An interesting situation which can/may have happened with many of people. I think you can deal this situation by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As you have pointed out that he isn't your close friend, so Find things of common interest for everyone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think you can reply him something like: 'Nice to know you liked the link. (Add common interesting things you found in above point) I found them pretty interesting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alone &lt;strong&gt;Nice to know you liked the link&lt;/strong&gt; can work pretty well as its neither lie nor letting him know it was accidental &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T11:42:59.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3761" CreationDate="2017-09-12T12:40:43.787" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you tried doing what you like doing in front of them? Not WITH them, but just in front of them. Being in your room all day and not coming down while occasionally answering to a few of their questions in a polite tone doesn't really scream &quot;leave me alone&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two ways to go here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The silent way:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you want to read a book, do it in a common area. If you guys have a balcony/porch, that would be the perfect spot. But if not, maybe in the living room. The trick to being able to achieve this is, you need to occupy the common area BEFORE anyone is around you. No one should see you enter the common area with your book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just walk in with your book. To add some strength to this move, put on your headphones. You don't need to be listening to anything if that bothers you, just put em on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are definitely going to still talk to you. Just look up from your book, answer their question, and look right back down in your book. Act exactly like you would when behind the room door, just in person. If they ask a funny question or a question that involves a long answer, give it to them. But when done, look right back down. This will give them a very strong vibe that they are interrupting you. You've still been as nice as you can. You're still in the common area, hence making it obvious you don't hate them. But you are clearly telling them, &quot;Now shhh...&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will work very powerfully if you have a porch. If you are in the living room, this is going to be VERY distracting to YOU. We don't need that now. So, occupy living room and do your thing. When they come into the room you're in, don't immediately leave. That is a slap in their face. Hang around for maybe a few minutes. Answer a few questions, have a conversation. Maybe even ask them a few questions. When there is a long pause in the conversation (You need to try and recognize the right time. If you think someone is going to say something in accordance to what was already being spoken about before the pause, it is NOT the right time), just get up and tell them, &quot;Well, I am going to go catch up on my reading now. You guys have fun! :)&quot; Say it with a smile. Say it with a happy face. And just walk back in your room. This should give you your calm and peace for a few hours before they need a refill of you again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The loud way:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By loud, I don't mean yell at them. Just speak it. If showing them signs does not work, you need to verbally tell them something that makes them realize that you are not down to hang out with them right now. Just right now, not always. &quot;Oh yeah (s)he had stuff to do today, so (s)he could not hang out with us&quot; should be their reaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you go about saying this to them without hurting them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are sure about not wanting to hurt them, there is only one way to do it. You give them what they want for half an hour and then say you're done. You always give them a little something to be happy about before giving them something that upsets them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you hear the roommates talking outside your room, walk out of the room. Don't just sit in there and hope they don't knock on your door. Just walk out, talk to them. Engage in their conversation. Maybe for 15 minutes. If you think they won't let you go that quickly, walk out of your room with a reason. Walk out to the kitchen to get yourself a cup of water. Talk to them while you get your water. Talk to them for two minutes as you are standing outside your room after getting the water. Then tell them, &quot;Alright I have something I need to do, I will catch with you guys later&quot; and walk right back in your room. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask you to come to a bar for a drink or what-not, have you ever tried telling them &quot;I am not much of a bar-going person&quot;? I hate going to clubs. I have always told people who invite me how much I hate going to clubs. A calm peaceful bar, I can always enjoy. Not clubs. But I always tell them that! Tell them directly you don't like bars. They need to know inviting you is useless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if they ask you to drink with them at home? Honestly, drink with them for an hour. Whatever you have waiting for you in your room is still going to be there in an hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My uncle always says this to me: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We all have only one thing in common. Every single human in this world has only one thing in common. You know what that is? We all have only 24 hours every day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone has a lot they want to do. I want to develop games, get my computer cleaned up, reorganize my closet, arrange the spices in the kitchen, watch a LOT of the TV shows I've been desperately wanting to watch... When I go home, I change the baby's diaper and wash the dishes and spend time with my wife. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very happy person. I enjoy doing all this. But some times, you are just going to have to think for others and not yourself. And I don't mean that in an offensive way. I don't mean you are being selfish, I mean you can afford to be a bit selfless every now and then. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always have a drink with them and spend half hour to an hour every day and then continue on with what you need to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T12:40:43.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3761" CreationDate="2017-09-12T12:41:41.650" Score="4" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Try to convey the feeling your hobbies invoke in you as detailed as you can&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them that you regularly need time for your hobbies because those hobbies are very important for you. You love spending time with them, but you also love spending time on your own. And then proceed to tell why sitting alone in your room to read a book is important to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example I absolutely regularly need time to read a good fantasy book because I love the feeling of diving into a different world like Alice jumping into the rabbit hole only to find herself in a world of magic where everything seems to be possible and nothing is certain. Tomorrow I might go to my regular job, do my regular work and talk with other people about everyday things - but at the moment I'm reading a book I am somewhere else. And I love to see things from a different perspective. Learning how the author envisioned a scene by trying to get into the head of the character. I regularly re-read a page just to understand every detail of a scene, pausing it in my head and dissassembling, trying to understand what the author wanted me to feel, why he did something and what is missing in my opinion, only to continue with my personal improved scene in mind to find out what magic awaits me on the next page.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was one personal example. And I've found that many people were in fact baffled after I told them something like this. For them a book means staring at pages for hours and it reminds them of boring homework from their time in school - for me it's a way to learn more about people and to jump into worlds full of magic. After they learn this they can better understand why I like what I'm doing. They may think I'm weird, but they will think that anyway. It's better to give them an interesting story and an interesting perspective that they will remember.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The great thing about this approach is that you spent maybe 5 minutes talking about something you really, truly like. It won't feel like a waste of time. Maybe you will even convince someone to give one of your hobbies a try. But that doesn't really matter. They will understand how important it is for you just because you were talking passionately about it. And they will understand passion when they hear it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also means that you can really talk about anything you want. Books, languages, computer games, ... It doesn't really matter. Choose one that you are currently doing and that you feel passionately about. And ask yourself: why do you like doing that? Your text here already shows a good start for this. Be sure that it is not your place 2 or 3 in your personal ranking of preferences. You have to be really passionate about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that you can talk about hobbies that both parties have. Like the boardgames you mentioned. Talk about why that is a great way to spend your time and that you love doing it. From time to time. Your priorities are different than their priorities and that may seem a bit weird to them - but that is life. Everyone is different. Everyone like different things. And that's why we can share stories like that and learn new perspectives, which is a great thing to do from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may continue regularly telling them for example about your progress with your language research. Funny bugs in a videogame or something fascinating you noticed about your latest book. Regularly remind them about why you like your hobbies and they will surely understand that this is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all your post indicates that there won't be big problems. Be nice. Be yourself. Tell them why you love what you love. And talk about plans together with your mutual hobby. Everything will be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="372" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T12:41:41.650" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3768" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3667" CreationDate="2017-09-12T12:42:11.180" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, it is you who started from 2 assumptions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;escalating will make anything better&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's REP's duty to escalate&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your historical experience it may look like so, but both of those may be not necessarily true. &lt;strong&gt;REP's duty is to solve your problem.&lt;/strong&gt; You can't force them into solving your problem in a particular way, but you can and should force them into solving your problem at all. If they continue to refuse to solve your problem, then ask for an official statement that the problem won't be solved.  Ask for permission to record the call and ask them to state their name, position, current date and that they officially refuse to solve the issue X. If you have a lawyer, or some other scary figure, ask them to witness REP refusing to solve issue X. Ask them to send you this in writing. Basically force them into a position where there either take the blame on themselves or escalate it to blame someone else. (Well, by obstructing they already are in taking-the-blame position, you just don't have evidence to prove it when it hits the fan.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastEditorUserId="3141" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T12:53:49.220" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T12:53:49.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3761" CreationDate="2017-09-12T13:13:05.143" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is there any way you could decline their invitation by saying: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, I'm currently busy doing whatever thing...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... Seems like a polite way to make them understand that you need your time on your own without making them have the impression that you snub them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live with 5 women and they love throwing parties while I don't like partying that regularly. In the beginning they invited me to join all the time and if I assisted couple of times, I didn't want to make this a regular thing, so when I wanted to refuse, I thanked them and answered that I was busy doing something else. They invited me a few times after that, but as I was always answering this they understood and it was fine. Now it's true that we have other kind of meetings together but this is something we all enjoy doing. In your case, it could be sharing a meal together, maybe?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T13:13:05.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3770" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-12T13:18:53.893" Score="20" ViewCount="2332" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not a well organised or responsible adult, and I'm often self-absorbed and careless. Not to the point where I have trouble holding down a job or making friends or suchlike, but enough to ensure that once or twice a year I'll manage to really upset a friend or family member. I forget important occasions, purchase tickets for different events on the same day, say thoughtless and inappropriate things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to do this sort of stuff a lot more, but I've slowly learned to do better by various methods. I can't imagine I will ever be able to do it properly, though: once or twice a year may be as good as it gets. But it's not good enough for the people I care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I manage to screw up, and it's unambiguously my fault, I feel terrible about it. Occasionally there's something practical I can do to rectify the situation, but usually, there isn't. Even when there is, I've still failed at something important, and the fact of that failure still causes upset. I am consumed with guilt and remorse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I deal with this very badly. I will attempt to talk to the person I've offended but often they're too angry to resolve things and I find it hard to deal with the lack of resolution. I tend to avoid the people in question until they're ready to talk about it, which is awkward if they're in the same house. At the same time, I feel too guilty about the situation to &quot;do&quot; anything positive. I go through the motions: fulfilling practical goals like going to work and household chores but once that's done I sit and do nothing, full of misery. I will cancel or avoid social appointments or anything that might normally be fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the outside, it's obvious this must look ridiculous, like a teenager sulking in their room. It is also self-indulgent, to wallow in my own guilt when what I would like to do - and what I should be doing - is to focus on the feelings of the people that I've hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even knowing this, I do not know how else I can behave. If they're too angry to talk about their feelings, I cannot focus on them. If there's nothing practical I can do to help the situation, then I can't take immediate action. If I find taking my responsibilities difficult, and I have done as much as I can to change, I cannot invent practical plans to stop the thing from happening again. If I have caused hurt and offence and feel bad, I do not want to fill my time with frivolities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How, then, can I react in a more mature and constructive fashion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4801" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T18:32:22.183" LastActivityDate="2019-01-04T16:32:27.113" Title="How can I react in a constructive way when I've caused hurt or offence?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2017-09-13T02:59:29.697" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3770" CreationDate="2017-09-12T13:33:31.730" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a piece of advice I gave a friend of mine a while back. He never seemed to resolve an argument or fight with his best friend and after this it worked out for him. There's a small plan you can follow to resolve conflicts or arguments that were inflicted by you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Apologize!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it might sound like pointless or unimportant to you, but the opposing party will be thankful for this eventually. Show them you acknowledge this was your fault and that you are sorry for making them feel this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Try to fix it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you said, not everything is fixable. Try to figure out (and ask!) if there is anything you can do to make it up to them. If there is not, be okay with that. Prodding and bugging for a way to make it up to them is only going to make them more aggravated. Immediate action is not always wished for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Offer change&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be the most important step: tell them how you will make sure this will not happen again. If it's a social matter, think of something that will stop the problem from repeating. Did you break anything? Tell them you will be more careful next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Next time&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, next time. Running away is not the solution. It is probably very unlikely you did something so bad to them they never want to see you again, so don't shut them out! Give them a few days to cool down and keep doing social activities with them. Show them you really are their friend and you mean no harm to them. Showing them your good side will help them overcome the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T13:33:31.730" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3770" CreationDate="2017-09-12T14:34:33.997" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm consumed with guilt and remorse... I will attempt to talk to the person I've offended but often they're too angry to resolve things and I find it hard to deal with the lack of resolution. I tend to avoid the people in question until they're ready to talk about it, which is awkward if they're in the same house. At the same time I feel too guilty about the situation to &quot;do&quot; anything posititve. I go through the motions: fulfilling practical goals like going to work and household chores but once that's done I sit and do nothing...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are contradicting yourself a bit here, so I'm not sure what you're doing when. Time-frames are fuzzy. Being consumed with guilt and remorse isn't bad, but it is &quot;you-focused&quot;, whereas an apology is &quot;them-focused.&quot; Maybe that's where the issue lies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What to do in some ways depends on the offense. Most things - most, but not all - can be taken care of by an immediate and effective apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person is angry. Most angry people &lt;em&gt;want you to apologize&lt;/em&gt;, so they will give you a chance to do so. An immediate apology is almost never inappropriate. If they are still angry after the apology, either the apology was inadequate, or they were so hurt that they need more time to cool down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good apology consists of four things:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-the heartfelt &quot;I'm sorry&quot; part&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-ownership of what you've done&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-a promise to do better&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-restitution&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, you're supposed to your mother's birthday party, and you never show up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as you see them, you apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Mom, I am so, &lt;strong&gt;SO&lt;/strong&gt; sorry!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-I can't believe how thoughtless I was, and how badly I hurt your feelings. What I did was wrong, and was totally inappropriate.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-I promise I will try my best never to do it again. I'll write it on a post-it note and put it on my mirror. I'll set my phone to alarm me. Whatever it takes.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-Please let me make it up to you. I'll take you out to the restaurant of your choice. You name the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's only a bit over the top, but it's a &quot;them focused&quot; apology. If someone is still mad at you after that kind of apology, it must have been grave indeed, or they are oversensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can give an example of an offense you committed, the apology you offered, and their reaction and continued anger, please do. More detail will help write a better answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after the above apology, the person is still angry, that is on them. You need not hide away. Try again, then do what you normally do, with a look of sincere sorrow on your face if they see you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they choose to hold grudges, that is usually not your problem, but usually theirs. There is an important difference. People who hold grudges do so for a lot of reasons. If they do it because it's the fifteenth birthday you forgot, it's your problem. If it's the first birthday you forgot, it's their problem. Don't let people make their problems yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's the third time you forgot their birthday, add this to the apology:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know I've done this before, and you have no reason to believe I won't do it again. You have a perfect right to feel that way, but I'm asking you to forgive me. Please tell me how I can do better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T14:34:33.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3773" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3762" CreationDate="2017-09-12T14:35:28.620" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to the other great answers, I feel like I should bring up a relatively new phenomena on the internet. For the purposes of an easy-to-understand explanation, I'll use a frequent example between my friends and I.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Here's a link to an adorable dog gif!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Thank you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation, 'Thank you' is intentionally written as overly-serious. This creates a humorous contrast between the light-hearted, off-handed nature of the link provided and the very professional response. The irony is appreciated by both parties, frequently causing both of us to chuckle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This type of scene is rising in frequency on certain social media websites, so if this new friend of yours frequents things like Reddit or Imgur, it's possible this is what he's doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm unsure as to the origin of this, but it's possible that it shares some similarities with the &lt;a href=&quot;http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/me-too-thanks&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Me Too Thanks Meme&lt;/a&gt;. Both of the memes derive at least part of their humor from the unexpected nature of the reply. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Two bees are talking to each other&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;theres 20 letters in the alphabet right&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;p&gt;thats totally wrong there are 26&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;p&gt;o yea I guess I forgot the letters; u r a b&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;p&gt;thats funny b/c i am a bee&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;p&gt;me too thanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;p&gt;me too thanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This example is similar to an abrupt 'Thank you' due to the sudden, unexpected nature of the response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without further context or understanding of the personality-type of this individual, I cannot confirm nor deny whether this interaction matches my example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3426" LastEditorUserId="3426" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T12:54:10.783" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T12:54:10.783" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-12T14:37:32.433" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As much as he has a problem... you have a problem too, of a different kind.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has a problem, in that he doesn't want to do his job, and wants someone else (you, in this case) to do it for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a problem, in that you can't get yourself to say &quot;no&quot; in a situation when it should be said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By not stopping it, you're enabling his behavior; &lt;strong&gt;you're letting him do it.&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;Keep in mind that, the longer this situation lasts, the worse will his reaction be when you finally stop doing his job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will have convinced himself that the current state of affairs is normal and expected, and that if you at any time stop doing it... well, he will think that now you aren't doing your job, that you aren't giving him his due, that his failure is your fault, in his mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You hope that he will understand in time; but this is not true. &lt;strong&gt;As long as nothing blocks his current behavior, he won't understand.&lt;/strong&gt; You can keep enabling him for 5 or 10 years and he still won't understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way how he can understand is if all of the following happens:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You (and everyone else) stop doing his job for him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The situation forces him to do it (as in, he will get fired if he&#xA;doesn't). Even this is not a guarantee - some people sink so deep&#xA;that they will rather lose their job than do their job. But maybe by&#xA;the time he loses other things after losing his job, he will&#xA;eventually understand he has to work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Eventually he will learn how to do it, because he is forced to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And finally, once he learns how, and is doing it, someone else is going to try to get him to do the job of that other person for him, like he is now doing to you. &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;At that time, he will understand.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for you: stop enabling him. You may lose a friend... except that &lt;strong&gt;someone who's using you in this way is not a friend of yours.&lt;/strong&gt; You may be a friend to him, but he isn't a friend to you.&#xA;Whether he understands immediately or not, you have to stop. Be polite, don't bitch and call him names, just stop, ignore his communications, and do not ever give in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some positive feedback might be in order - if he actually starts doing his part, and genuinely needs just a little bit of help that he could not have googled for himself, if you can unblock him without much effort, do it, as a reward for him doing his part. &#xA;This is more to reinforce positive behavior than anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5595" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T14:37:32.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3762" CreationDate="2017-09-12T14:49:34.930" Score="94" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Nothing&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did something that you thought he might like. He thanked you for it (either because he liked it or because he just wanted to be polite).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to initiate chit-chat for some reason, there is no need to react in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend wanted to discuss the link you sent him, he would have sent a more detailed response. (&lt;em&gt;&quot;Thank you. That last part about frobnicating foos was very interesting, what do you think about it?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5596" LastEditorUserId="5596" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T14:55:38.217" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T14:55:38.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3770" CreationDate="2017-09-12T15:00:23.067" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;You already know (having done this before) how to react after the fact. Apologize, make amends, etc. It may take days, months or even years, but the animosity will fade over time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What proves to be disappointing (And I empathize, I am horrible at remembering important occasions as well. Thank deity I have yet to forget our anniversary), is the &lt;em&gt;repeated&lt;/em&gt; occurrences, which puts the lie to all of your earlier protestations about it not happening again, you'll do better and similar pledges. It basically tells the other person &quot;You aren't worth me remembering what is important to you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the modern era, there are many tools available to you to fill this gap. What I have taken to doing is putting multiple alerts on google calendar linked to my smart phone (Or you can put it directly in your smartphone calendar as well). I give myself multiple alerts and lead time to get a card in the mail, buy a present, whatever. This generally means 2 weeks out I get an alert, and another at a week out, and again the day of, so that I can pick up the phone or go see the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you put in an honest effort to fixing the actual problem (YOU), then the people you have hurt will recognize this, and the apologies and amends will both become easier, and more likely to be accepted. Yes, it may take years, but it should happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T15:00:23.067" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-12T15:29:22.820" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The &quot;friend&quot; remains sure you will &quot;help&quot; them. Any normal words like &quot;Sorry, I'm busy&quot; are heard as invitations to bargain.&quot;No&quot; plus silence are your tools. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been this person. You are doing them no favors by obeying them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't sound as if you are this person's instructor or employer. So, you have your own work to complete by deadline. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd Reply to their email and CC in their instructor-boss. &quot;I don't have permission to leave my assigned work. Please ask your supervisor.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5601" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T15:29:22.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1670" CreationDate="2017-09-12T15:30:18.070" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in a couple of different fraternity situations that are similar to yours, in that I was a Founding Father for our chapter and served as VP Recruitment for a year, and I was also an advisor as an alumni to a chapter that was also going through a restart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should have an alumni advisor for your chapter, and when you get these unsolicited texts, emails or phone calls, respond as @Collatri suggests, and possibly add something positive about them wanting to be involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other possibility (And I don't know if this already exists for you or not) is for the alumni to have their own alumni chapter. If they do not, you could suggest they start one. If they do, suggest that they discuss this in their meetings and send a summary to the President of the chapter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not in this alone. If talking to your President and your mentor (Not sure what position your mentor has, if he is alumni or not) is not getting the job done, then you need to contact the next higher up person, possibly even get in contact with HQ. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would be very surprised to find that you don't have an advisor, that would be my first approach, and then refuse the conference calls and forward/refer all texts/emails to your President and the advisor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T15:30:18.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3781" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3697" CreationDate="2017-09-12T17:30:26.423" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;We might not have enough information to answer your question well. I have been a needy programmer so I do understand the dilemma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are stuck with this person in your life (e.g., brother-in-law, boss's daughter), it's still to your own benefit and SURVIVAL to set a clear boundary. You could say, &quot;I've already given as much time as I can to your questions. I can't give you any more time on these types of problems.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boss expects you to solve this person's problems, then to keep your peace of mind, you should set limits AND ask for more compensation. Otherwise you will be frayed around the edges and unable to deliver your best work.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5606" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T17:30:26.423" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3761" CreationDate="2017-09-12T18:14:26.167" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another option is simply to tell them that you are the type of person that needs quite a bit&#xA;of time on your own to be happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't have this same need, it is very possible that they think you are simply shy or uncomfortable about spending time with them, and that is why you are turning down their invitations . The continued appeals via asking you questions, etc. might be a their attempt to make you feel comfortable with joining them (since they are misunderstanding your reasons for turning them down). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time they ask you to join them, if you say&quot;I really appreciate the invitation, but I have found it is important for me that I spend some time alone everyday, and that is what I am planning for right now. But please enjoy yourselves, and don't worry about bothering me at all.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, you can just use the words, &quot;thanks, but I need some alone time right now&quot; and that should be enough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works best if you do accept their invitations periodically, and even YOU suggest activities that you can all do together sometimes. This makes it clear that you enjoy doing things with them, just not all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4838" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T18:14:26.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3786" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3788" CreationDate="2017-09-12T19:28:12.020" Score="8" ViewCount="2068" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently met this couple through my boyfriend. The husband is from southern Europe (Bob) and his wife is from Tibet (Lisa). Bob met Lisa in Nepal during a trip to India some 20 years ago, and got her to go with him (through Nepal) to Europe and marry him. &#xA;We are talking about a young woman who had never left her village, and who was really close to her dad. Mom had either died at birth or when Lisa was really little. She has a sister who also lives in Europe but they don't talk or can't talk often. And so Lisa ends up marrying Bob. They now have a teenage daughter. Bob and Lisa were living happily ever after (?) until:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Special Circumstances and Consequences:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To my understanding she had been an illegal immigrant for quite some time before she was able to have the appropriate paperwork and travel documents (also mix up because of Tibet being under occupation?) and even after being married to a citizen for over fifteen years. This whole time (and for reasons I haven't completely understood or told the truth about), she had not been able to go back to her village and unfortunately her dad passes away. &#xA;Dad never visited his daughter either all these years (could be over 15 years).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then, Lisa's health starts to gradually deteriorate. I haven't been able to ask what her exact diagnosis is but she has to take anti-psychotic medications. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional Circumstances:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob is a farmer and they constantly travel from city to farm so they don't stay in the city much. Lisa helps at the farm (whether she is able to or not, I'm not sure).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the husband is overwhelmed about his wife's severe illness, because every time we hang out, whether it's at their place or farm or my place, he almost always says something nasty to her either because she can't wash the dishes well or clean or teases her about her appearance (gained weight-at some point had lost almost all her teeth-from medication?) and then he apologizes to her and kisses and hugs her. This seems like a pattern-him yelling, cursing at her and then apologizing for getting angry. &#xA;Unfortunately, apart from taking medications, Lisa seems to be self-medicating by drinking beer and smoking. Even though Bob seems to care about her he lets her smoke and drink even if he initially yells at her for asking for beer. She had actually tricked me into buying her beer a few times. &#xA;When he talks to her that way (he is either sarcastic or angry) I try not to laugh back,  but I just stay silent or leave the room temporarily&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I could say something appropriate when he does that in my presence, without offending him or making him angrier and less likely to listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lisa can have regular conversations (when on medication) and from time to time she mentions how much she loved her dad, remembers things from childhood, and tells me how she wishes she never left her village. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How should I respond to verbal abuse I'm a witness of? (My boyfriend doesn't want conflict so I am also trying to respect that)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is what is going on none of my business and I should just let it go?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I start a conversation about the fact that they both need extensive professional help which means that they would have to leave the farm alone in order to get the help they need? (Looking for suggestions or ideas about relevant conversations)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How should I respond to Lisa every time she confesses things to me about the situation without making Bob upset? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T20:38:45.387" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T04:35:50.750" Title="How should I respond to verbal abuse when not directed at me?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3786" CreationDate="2017-09-12T20:18:55.110" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's get the basics clear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is not your marriage. It is not your husband or your life. Unfortunately, there is only so much you can do without getting verbally abused yourself and probably getting banished from the house.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said this, it does not mean you should keep quiet. You actually SHOULDN'T keep quiet. That is just inhumane on your part. I am not badmouthing your boyfriend for not wanting &quot;conflict&quot;, but some sort of interference is needed. His discomfort towards being in the middle of a conflict should not stop you from saying things. What exactly do you say though?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should I respond to verbal abuse I'm a witness of? (My boyfriend doesn't want conflict so I am also trying to respect that)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You intervene. You don't talk about the abuse itself, you don't talk about the particular situation in hand. Just intervene with something random. You make a joke based on the verbal abuse. A casual off-handed statement. Nothing that hurts Bob. Nothing that makes him feel like you're accusing him of being an A-Hole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of an intervention in the form of a joke is so that the tension goes down a little bit and no feelings are hurt! You could also try to casually walk up to Bob and stand next to him and mock Lisa a little bit along with him. And then walk over to Lisa and maybe give her a hug and say, &quot;I'm just kidding Lisa don't kick me out!&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't feel comfortable enough doing that, call Bob over to you and ask him something unrelated. Get him out off that situation that he is putting himself in. The minute he calms down for a second, he will realize he was being unnecessarily mean to Lisa. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is what is going on none of my business and I should just let it go?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is definitely none of your business. Should you just let it go? Different people would say different things. I am personally a very empathetic person. I could NEVER let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Storytime:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was 11 years old. My neighbor is horrible at beating her kids. She had 2 boys. Age 8 and 5. This one night in particular, I could hear the mom beating the living soul out of both her kids. I could hear frying pans flying around in the house literally. I could hear blows landing on the kids. I went to my dad and he said, &quot;none of our business, let her do whatever she wants&quot;. So I walked out, picked up a stone, threw it right at their window and walked back in. The sound of the glass breaking stopped the beating for a little bit. My mom looks at me, doesn't say a word to me, and walk out of the house to see what is going on. Obviously, the abusive mom is out investigating the broken glass. My mom acted like she just heard a noise and didn't know what it was; so she came out. Using that as the opportunity, she started talking to her about beating little kids. The beating stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Was my behavior necessarily acceptable? Probably not. I was 11. what do I care about your broken window. I cannot take it when you beat a little kid this hard. There was actually a campaign going on in India for a long time. Abusive husbands are usually not stopped. The government had a PSA going on that said &quot;Bell Bajao&quot; (in Hindi) which translates to &quot;Ring the Bell&quot;. The video is of a few little kids ringing the door bell of an abusive husband beating his wife. Nothing else, just ringing the door bell and the husbands stops to answer the door. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That tiny intervention can actually stop such an act.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I start a conversation about the fact that they both need extensive professional help which means that they would have to leave the farm alone in order to get the help they need? (Looking for suggestions or ideas about relevant conversations)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How close are you with Bob? How close are you with Lisa? Answer those two questions to yourself first. If you are at least a little close to either, you can talk to them about this. If not, you cannot talk to them about counselling or getting help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that doesn't stop you from getting close to them first! Have you ever been able to spend time with either of them ALONE? From what I gather, the main problem here is Bob. You say Lisa has a drinking problem, but that could probably be rooting from Bob being, well, Bob. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your goal is to get closer to Bob. And by closer, I mean close enough for him to want to vent to you. Close enough for him to not think that you are just a random guest and he shouldn't be talking to you about his problems. Next chance you get, try and talk to Bob about just about anything BUT the issue in hand. Talk about how well farming is working out for him. Talk about what he is growing right now. Talk about all the topics that might not be going so well for him. When you hit the one topic that triggers Bob's venting, that is the topic you are trying to get to. Once you are there, talk more. Ask more questions. Find out why he is behaving like this without asking him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are trying to make him comfortable enough by asking him questions that would involve him bursting out in tears. He would eventually start rambling about something and you could then maybe make your suggestions. Make him realize that he is not completely off the deep end and that he can still be happy with his life. It takes a lot of work to get there, but it will definitely work in your benefit (and Lisa's, of course). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Lisa has a drinking problem despite Bob's behavior, then Bob might be acting like this because of Lisa. So you do the same with Lisa. Whichever way it has to go, it has to go through those steps. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should I respond to Lisa every time she confesses things to me about the situation without making Bob upset?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You had mentioned that Lisa just received the appropriate paperwork and legal documents to be able to travel. Have you seen them talk about going to Tibet to see Lisa's family since that happened? If not, that is a BIG problem. Lisa might be severely homesick. If it is, she needs to go home and spend some time there. Whether Bob comes with her or not. Honestly, Lisa going by herself would be the ideal situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lisa is confessing about her childhood life and her dad because she is homesick. You suggesting they should both take a vacation to Tibet and blow some steam off would be the most appropriate response to that. Watch your tone when you make the suggestion though:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to sound excited! Something in the lines of &quot;Lisa you should totally take a vacation! You should go to Tibet, do all the things you used to do when you were a little kid.&quot; -  &lt;em&gt;Pick some scenarios out and paint a picture for her, make her excited&lt;/em&gt;. &quot;You just got your paperwork too! Aren't you excited that you can now go visit your home and your family again? It should be so much fun for you guys!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Bob says he cannot leave the farm unattended: &quot;Well, Lisa why don't you go by yourself. You do know how to take a flight alone right?&quot; &lt;em&gt;laugh about the casual mockery you just made&lt;/em&gt;. &quot;I really want this food item you've been telling me about that they sell in Tibet! Go to Tibet and get me some&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This entire thing needs to be as casual as possible. Outside of this being a possible solution to their entire problem, this is pretty much the only thing you can say when she says she misses her home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these suggestions are just my opinions. If any of these won't work, feel free to let me know in the comments and I will change my opinion about dealing with a situation like this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you help the couple bring love back to their relationship. Its always a happy day when that happens! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 1:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of this is possible because of your situation with your boyfriend, I'd at the least tell my boyfriend I don't want to go to their house anymore. You cannot stop the abuse but you can definitely not have to witness it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2017-09-12T20:50:16.887" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T20:50:16.887" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3789" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3770" CreationDate="2017-09-12T20:35:50.617" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Several of the existing answers are about how to apologize effectively and include excellent advice on that front. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking your question at face value, though, you say you already know how to apologize, try to make amends, etc. but the issue is that the steps you take don't necessarily result in an immediate resolution and repair of the relationship. As you put it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I deal with this very badly. I will attempt to talk to the person I've&#xA;  offended but often they're too angry to resolve things and I find it&#xA;  hard to deal with the lack of resolution. I tend to avoid the people&#xA;  in question until they're ready to talk about it, which is awkward if&#xA;  they're in the same house. At the same time, I feel too guilty about&#xA;  the situation to &quot;do&quot; anything positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It sounds like your problem is about how to manage the negative feelings after hurting someone's feelings badly enough that a sincere apology doesn't fix it.&lt;/strong&gt; This answer focuses on that aspect of your question --- how to manage your feelings --- rather than what to say to the person you hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am consumed with guilt and remorse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you've hurt someone you love, guilt and remorse are the normal, healthy response. &#xA;It sounds like you're spiraling out of control, though, which isn't good for you (and it doesn't help the person you hurt either). &#xA;This kind of obsessive focus on your negative feelings is sometimes called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumination_(psychology)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;rumination&lt;/a&gt; in psychology. It's related to depression and anxiety, and just like depression and anxiety, it can be very hard to overcome on your own. As you've seen, just wanting not to have this negative reaction, or knowing that it's not helpful to behave like this, doesn't mean you can stop it on your own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Even knowing this, I do not know how else I can behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you have a predictable pattern that results in these feelings/behavior (you forget something important -&gt; a person you love is upset -&gt; you fall into despair and inaction), you may find &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/home/ovc-20186868&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)&lt;/a&gt; especially helpful. It's one of the most common kinds of psychotherapy, and it's designed to help you break out of exactly this kind of negative cycle. From the Mayo clinic page on CBT: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;CBT helps you become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking so you can view challenging situations more clearly and respond to them in a more effective way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can work on managing your own negative feelings in the wake of one of these hurtful mistakes, you'll be in a &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; better place to focus on the person you hurt. You'll be able to listen better, apologize better, pay more attention to how they're feeling, and maybe even see new ways forward to repair the relationship more effectively. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T20:35:50.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3667" CreationDate="2017-09-12T20:37:32.800" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I use two tactics to handle this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be the dream customer&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They've been yelled at on the phone from 8AM until you call. Leverage this: act super-friendly, be extra nice, you have all the documents on hand, you're very understanding, every time they say &quot;wait a sec&quot; reply &quot;no problem&quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like the last time I walked into the local tax office to solve a problem. I complimented this woman for her efficiency at solving my problem, then I saw her smirk, so I adked, &quot;Am I the first guy not to yell at you today?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And she was like &quot;well, actually, yeah.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This made me kinda sad, because she'd been nice and friendly and competent at solving my problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when dealing with monopolies, like the Gov't, sometimes they will make extra sure to turn your life into hell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No mercy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had talked about the issue with my lawyer beforehand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a complete list of all the legal blunders they had done, on a paper in front of my eyes, when I called.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, after she told me she couldn't do anything, I was like &quot;Hmm, you told me your name was [redacted] when you picked up the phone, right? Anyway. According to my legal department...&quot; (doesn't matter if you're self-employed, tell you have a legal department) &quot;you're guilty of X and X and X, sounds like I could win between ... and ... (lots of money) as punitive damages. Unless you want to settle, of course.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a moment of silence, I added &quot;Don't worry about your career, [redacted], I'll make sure to mention it wasn't your fault...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This issue which had been the bane of my existence for months was solved in a few days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-12T20:37:32.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3770" CreationDate="2017-09-12T20:56:25.113" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd advise talking to a professional Psychologist about this. It seems like this may be something that requires their diagnosis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worst case, you lose a few hundred bucks, which is a small problem compared to your predicament. Best case, you actually find help and useful, workable ways to get through life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, why not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note... when you anger someone, after waiting for them to cool down you could just tell them something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really sorry I did that, but I have no idea why I did it. I don't know why, but sometimes I'll do these things which make people angry. I regret it after the fact, and believe me I do, but I can't help myself doing it. (etc, keep going).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the one hand, it's the truth. If they're smart, and care about you, it could lead to an interesting conversation where they learn to understand you better and realize you just do these things. Maybe you'll also learn a few things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, this is a basic manipulation technique where you enlist someone's help to make them forgive you and agree with you, so it is a bit unethical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-01-04T16:32:27.113" LastActivityDate="2019-01-04T16:32:27.113" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3793" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-12T21:39:04.513" Score="13" ViewCount="1683" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be clear, I have young children, I have pictures of my children, and I enjoy sharing same &lt;em&gt;when asked&lt;/em&gt; about their health/welfare. Rarely do I spontaneously share unless they have done something spectacularly amusing. (Even then, I limit it to a couple of my coworkers that have also shared similar stories)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I have a co-worker who also has kids, and makes it a point to come by and share pictures of all the things her kids have done over the past couple of days. While I do like the occasional updates, the frequency of these visits can be disruptive, especially if I am on a phone meeting or similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've used &quot;I can't chat now, I'm busy&quot; as well as &quot;I'm sorry but I have a meeting&quot;, etc. Her response is usually to say &quot;Oh, ok, I will come back&quot; or just to show up again later. I am trying to find a way to let her know that I am just not interested to the level that she apparently wants me to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I politely let her know that the &lt;em&gt;frequency&lt;/em&gt; of her sharing is more than I would like?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is in a US based corporation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T05:15:40.530" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T13:27:37.583" Title="How to politely decline continually viewing a coworkers child pictures?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3794" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3803" CreationDate="2017-09-12T23:37:55.163" Score="14" ViewCount="8115" Body="&lt;p&gt;I always travel alone, so it is not possible to take a photo of myself except selfies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of my friends also travel alone, yet they frequently upload non-selfie photos of themselves on SNS. I asked how they took them and they answered they asked a stranger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I wonder how I could ask a stranger to take a photo of myself, usually in front of a memorial place or in a cafe or restaurant. I feel it sounds impolite to ask it to a stranger; at least I would not feel good if asked, although I would certainly take anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, they are all female; I'm male so I feel a bit nervous to ask a stranger just to take a photo... In most cultures, taking pictures of themselves seem to be considered a girl's thing, I think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have slight fear of my iPhone being stolen once I hand it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So with these points in mind, how could I ask a stranger to take a photo of me without offending them? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 20s East Asian male traveling to Europe. I'm planning on visiting several countries: Poland, Ukraine, Baltic, Scandinavia, France, Italy, Czech, and Austria. I'm totally fine with getting answers that only reference specific countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2018-12-08T05:59:14.303" LastActivityDate="2018-12-08T05:59:14.303" Title="How could I ask a stranger to take a photo of me while traveling?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3797" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2017-09-13T01:15:29.990" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One issue I'd like to bring up with some of the responses here, is that they (and your parents) seem to assume that 'forgiving' means 'forgetting'. That 'forgiving' means being around your sister and the family status quo returning to whatever they believe it should be. This is not true. You can forgive her and still not include her in your life because you realize she doesn't understand that what she did was wrong or why it hurt you so much and therefore will likely hurt you again. You can also figure out a way to attend family functions together without ever forgiving her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forgiveness does not mean everything goes back to what it was before. In fact, I would argue that no matter what happens from here, everything should &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; go back to what it was before. Whatever it was before allowed your sister's behavior that hurt you. Instead, if forgiveness is granted, it should &lt;em&gt;improve&lt;/em&gt; your life. Whether your parents see it that way (ie the family ends up 'back together') or not (ie you move on without your sister) is their problem. You don't need to make it yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address your actual question, have you tried asking your parents why they feel you need to 'forgive' your sister and forget the whole incident? They might not see just how selfish their behavior is. Each of the examples for why they say you should 'forgive and forget' benefits &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, not &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. They might not realize that the image of the perfect, happy family they see in their minds isn't going to be achieved by forcing you into an uncomfortable situation. And that forcing you into said situation to attain that image is selfish and cruel. Asking them, each time, might make them start to look at their own answers more closely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went through something similar several years ago, when after months of trying to make a bad situation with a family member better, I decided I wasn't going to speak to them until they showed some sign of acknowledging that their behavior was wrong and showing genuine remorse. After a few unanswered attempts to get me to just ignore what they'd done wrong, the offending family member just stopped contacting me. I was a little disappointed at first, but ultimately, it turned out to be good for me. I hadn't realized how much of a negative influence they were on my life until they were no longer a part of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, some other family members started bothering me about the situation once we stopped speaking. I asked why they felt the need to get me to talk to the other person. It turned out the other family member was either pressuring them to get me to forget the problem or was otherwise making them uncomfortable. I told the well-meaning meddlers that I was sorry for their position, but it wasn't to change mine. After that, anytime it came up again, I asked why they were bringing it up and eventually they realized that they weren't doing it for me, they were doing it for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are a couple of examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A cousin of mine commented that she wished I would let it go because she felt torn between us. I asked her why that was an she answered that she knew if she invited the other family member to an event, I would not attend. I pointed out that the only reason I didn't attend was to be respectful to everyone else, to avoid the scene we both knew the other family member would make. We both knew they would make everyone uncomfortable while not actually improving the situation. My cousin acknowledged this was true and we changed the subject. She later called to tell me she was sorry because she had been thinking about what we talked about and came to understand that bothering me about the other family member was something she was doing to make life easier for her, not for me. I told her it was fine, I understood the difficulty of her position, but still wasn't going to change mine. She never asked me to again and found her own way of dealing with the other relative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My older sister kept trying to get me to see the estranged family member. After I asked why a few times, I found out that she believed that she was ultimately responsible for us not speaking. She had done something wrong around the same time that caused several family members to fight and the relative made it out to sound as if we had fought about her actions, not their behavior. She was trying to make it right because she thought it was her fault. Once I explained to her that it wasn't, she saw that it wasn't any of her business and was willing to let us handle the situation as we saw fit. My sister and I now get along fine, and she has a relationship with both me and the other family member. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still do not speak to that family member, but I'm not still angry. I moved on from that surprising quickly once everyone gave me some breathing room. I was able to forgive but was wise enough not to forget. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you are given the chance to forgive at your own pace and decide for yourself what your life looks like after that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5631" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T01:15:29.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3794" CreationDate="2017-09-13T01:37:38.907" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'm not crazy about being asked by strangers to take their photograph, but that's about me: I'm afraid they won't like the picture I took. But I understand that no one has 25 ft. arms to take a photo of themselves that includes the Trevi fountain. So I take pictures of tourists when asked. And, no, I don't think it's rude at all (I'm an American.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, a few pieces of advice, maybe helpful, maybe not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look for the right person. Pick someone (or a couple) who's walking at a leisurely pace. If they're carrying a camera that's more expensive than your phone, it's probably a good bet that they like taking pictures, understand your dilemma, and won't want to make off with your iPhone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Work the word &quot;please&quot; or &quot;would you be so kind&quot; or something like that into the request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it as easy as possible for them. Be able to explain in a few words and gestures how to do the whole thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learn how to say &quot;Thank you/that's very kind of you&quot; in the language of the country you're in, so if you're a tourist, you can express your gratitude in their language. (I don't know if that can come off as condescending, but in Italy people love it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offer to reciprocate. You might be surprised at how often people take you up on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's no one around, you can always take your own picture by setting the phone down somewhere nearby and using the timer on your camera. If you're really afraid of losing your camera, make sure there's no one within running distance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the USA, taking selfies is definitely not a girlie thing. I have taken maybe 5 selfies in my life (I'm a female). One of my sons probably takes that many in a week. And he's definitely not girly. He's just a ham.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T01:37:38.907" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3761" CreationDate="2017-09-13T04:32:55.693" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think an easy approach is to just communicate your goals and intentions clearly, and stick to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: How are you, what's up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I'm great, I'm going to read three chapters of this book this morning, then try to get past level 7 in Starblaster Maximus this afternoon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;15 minutes of chit chat&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Alright, book time! Catch you guys a bit later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;30 minutes later&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them, &lt;em&gt;entering your room&lt;/em&gt;: Hey do you remember the name of that actor in Stupid Comedy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, &lt;em&gt;holding up book and not making eye contact&lt;/em&gt;: Sorry, I'm in my book cave, ask me later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to have any big confrontation. Just announce that you'll be doing a certain thing later on, and do the thing you said you were going to do. Clearly, no one's feelings get hurt, and your boundaries get respected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4483" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T08:43:23.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3794" CreationDate="2017-09-13T04:38:10.543" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;There aren't many times when it's totally ok to approach a random stranger and ask a favour. In fact, there might be only one, and this is it. It is totally ok, in almost every country, for you to approach someone on the street and ask if they'd take your photo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tips: use your body language to communicate what your problem is before approaching anyone. Take a selfie, look a bit frustrated and dissatisfied. Look around for someone to help. Look back at phone. Look around more. Try propping the phone up on something, look frustrated. Chances are, someone is already thinking about helping you. By the time you get to, &quot;Excuse me, I was wondering...&quot; while holding your phone out, they know exactly what the deal is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also doesn't matter if you're male or female. I've both taken photos for, and asked people for photos, of people of both genders many times. It's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4483" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T04:38:10.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2886" CreationDate="2017-09-13T07:24:02.453" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll start by stating that in this kind of situations is difficult to come off as polite sometimes, as people don't like to be rejected when trying to interact with someone they have interest in (and by what you said about asking twice about your marriage, I would say that she has some kind of interest), so keep that in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know where you live. Maybe in your country interacting with strangers on the train is a common thing, but either way, I think that the best thing to do is just to tell her that you don't feel confortable with her questions. You can stress the fact that you don't know her at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I don't feel comfortable talking about my personal life with &lt;strong&gt;strangers&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if she keeps insisting after that, I would just ignore her. For example, if you were reading, just keep doing it without paying attention to her. Sometimes people will insist until you are rude to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5638" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T07:24:02.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3762" CreationDate="2017-09-13T07:47:15.370" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;For me it sometimes happens that if I'm too tired or I like to call it &quot;ran out of social skills for the day&quot;, then an answer like that is not meant to be unfriendly, only it didn't prompt an emotional response. Yet the person feels that he/she should respond at least something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5642" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T07:47:15.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3762" CreationDate="2017-09-13T07:57:54.283" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this could be a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.friends-tv.org/zz1006.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;'Joey's Videotape'&lt;/a&gt; type of scenario. You think that you should get some other response due to the content or context of the link. You feel it's a bit strange that you didn't. You could reply &quot;No problem, what did you think?&quot; or similar. Then gauge the response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are great answers here already for future situations, so I won't add any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4916" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T07:57:54.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3807" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3808" CreationDate="2017-09-13T08:03:25.893" Score="37" ViewCount="13286" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Backround&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today I was on my way to work on a bus that was really packed. A woman boarded at some point pushing the people already on board and near the entrance (including me) really hard. My reaction was asking her in an aggressive - but low - tone what she was doing (others complained too). She didn't reply and continued to push her way into the bus. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A man accompanied her (both were about 60 yo) and asked me (!) very aggressively why was I pushing. Well this baffled me a great deal and I said &quot;excuse me?&quot; to which he replied &quot;Didn't you understand the question? Don't you speak the language well enough?&quot;. I was completely confused and didn't reply at all - they left the bus after a while, her pointing and making threatening gestures at me as she was moving away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I guess at some point everyone faces such irrational behavior from strangers, but I felt really offended by their rudeness and a little angry at myself for not being able to answer properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the most appropriate and mature way of dealing with such situations? How to react to people being irrationally rude to me in public places without being annoying/rude to bystanders? Is there a way to avoid such things from happening in the first place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE:&lt;/strong&gt; My country is in Southern Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T04:58:09.160" LastActivityDate="2019-02-27T23:50:12.460" Title="How to react to someone pushing me in public transport?" Tags="&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2019-02-28T16:33:51.947" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3807" CreationDate="2017-09-13T08:31:42.490" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;I travel by public transport a lot. So I have also dealt with a fair share of overstuffed trains and buses. And the rudeness people exhibit in these situations. I'm from Northern Europe though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, it is important to remember that the other person wants to get to their destination just as desperately as you. Just the sight of an overstuffed bus or train is most likely to ruin their mood. They need to get on it, whatever it takes, because they have places to go and times to be there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So never ask &quot;what do you think you're doing&quot;. That should be quite obvious: They want to get on that bus, whatever it takes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is of course &lt;strong&gt;absolutely not&lt;/strong&gt; a reason to be rude, but I find it easier to remember to be polite myself. My solutions to these situations are most often based on these thoughts as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My number one solution when somebody starts pushing to get on the bus? Shout out a loud cry of pain. Act like their pushing is hurting you. The surprise of you shouting out will probably stop them pushing for a while (at least, it has always worked for me); Then ask them to please stop pushing, since it is hurting you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;To show a sense of goodwill, I usually follow step one with a shout across the bus/train, and ask the person to please wait a moment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey guys, this person really needs to get on this bus/train as well. Can we somehow make some room for them? -- Please wait a moment madam/sir, we are trying to make some room for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't stop the pushing, I start 'fighting back'. Don't move, however hard you are pushed. Just state calmly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Madam/Sir, you can push all you want, but there really is no room here. I have no place to move to, I have no room I can make for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I am on a bus, I usually make sure to say the last thing so loud, that the bus driver can hear this as well. The bus driver then usually changes the sign on the front of the bus to say &quot;Sorry, this bus is full&quot; instead of the sign saying the bus number and destination. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the situation with the male, I don't think you could have done any better. If people really choose to be that rude/mean, and they are complete strangers, the proper answer is to say nothing. You have tried your best to be polite, and if they choose to not reciprocate, that's entirely their fault. If you are really confident, you could make a comment like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wasn't pushing, I'm sorry but I know a full bus can be really uncomfortable, but I really did not have the room to move when she started boarding, so it might have felt like I did push back, when instead we just collided. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But be prepared that somebody who already has his mind on unpleasantness might not react well to this. So, in my opinion, not feeding his unpleasantness was the right thing to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="4022" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T08:48:02.493" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T08:48:02.493" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3807" CreationDate="2017-09-13T08:34:47.960" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Europe, over the years, I have faced this problem many times in crowded bus/subway/tramway, due to strikes (less lines open) or accident (delay) or just any event that draws many people to the same place at the same time (i.e. game / concert...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the most appropriate and mature way of dealing with such situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, the best way to handle this is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;move if you can (even a little step, squeeze yourself a bit, so you show them that you try to help and care about their problem), stand still if you have to and can't help them getting in.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;say nothing, or, if they're pushy, just smile and tell them: &lt;em&gt;Sorry Ma'am/Sir, I can't help more, move and push others&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;never argue, just go back to step #1 if needed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to react to people being irrationally rude to me in public places without being annoying/rude to bystanders?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When standing near the entrance (what I usually do in order to avoid bothering/pushing people on my way out), there's not much you can do. People who are late or don't want to wait are already upset (being delayed and seeing others in front of them) and rude to you and the others already onboard. I just use the 3 steps above because &lt;strong&gt;arguing will lead to a never ending conflict.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a way to avoid such things from happening in the first place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think so, as you can't, within a 10-seconds span of time, educate people who lack such easy common sense as waiting their turn, and, therefore, respecting others. &lt;em&gt;These are people who can't wait in line without showing manifestations of impatience.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't argue, don't talk to them as it will only escalate. THEY are rude, not you. Don't give them another chance of being more rude...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Related: &lt;a href=&quot;https://beta.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/a-reminder-of-good-manners-in-a-modern-rude-world/article18805138/?ref=http://www.theglobeandmail.com&amp;amp;&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Pushy commuters - 'social thuggery'&lt;/a&gt;. Even though it's Canadian-based, it gives good hints about different behaviours and why some people just can't understand why they're either rude or stupid or whatever you call them... I like the 2 examples &lt;em&gt;Lady yelling on the phone&lt;/em&gt;&#xA; and &lt;em&gt;people cutting their toenails on the subway&lt;/em&gt;. Especially because it shows you can't always have a positive influence on some people, and that keeping calm and silent is sometimes better.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T06:23:48.170" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T06:23:48.170" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3762" CreationDate="2017-09-13T09:03:25.180" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's entirely possible that the friend didn't appreciate the link (or has received it before (or has already had 300 spam links sent to him this week) ) and his &quot;thank you&quot; is actually just a polite way of ending the conversation. Such a vague answer doesn't really give you much to go on, so personally I'd just accept it as what it is (a vague expression of gratitude) and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3253/how-to-get-friends-partner-to-stop-texting-me-pointless-pictures-videos&quot;&gt;How to get friends/partner to stop texting me pointless pictures/videos&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3207" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T09:03:25.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3812" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3949" CreationDate="2017-09-13T10:09:03.590" Score="36" ViewCount="9422" Body="&lt;p&gt;As far back as I can remember, my first Hotmail emails, T9-word texts, even handwritten letters—these events ages 10 to 16—I felt I communicated differently from others. In high school I kept private journals, sometimes filling up several pages in an hour, though in retrospect nothing of importance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In college, adhering to social norms became much more of a priority, and I struggled to keep texts and emails brief. I invented all kinds of rules for myself—word limits, then limits that varied by category, and of course, sleeping on it. My friends lovingly joked to others: You know you're Andrew's friend when he sends you a 5,000-word email. But I was always ashamed and tried to introspect causes. Was it an overblown, irrational fear of being misunderstood? Like an unsatisfiable tick that I was leaving out some essential detail? Or a personality flaw? Like, narcissism about my words?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Post-college, my &quot;system&quot; became more organic. I'd feel a &quot;red flag&quot; while typing a message, and usually delete it on the spot. Gradually this habit reinforced itself as each time I realized everything was fine even without sending a message. If I tried again later, the ennui of trying to recreate the original message would win out, so I'd naturally compose shorter and shorter messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now on my way to my 30s, I'm happy to say these habits have solidified, and I almost never send messages I'm embarrassed about. EXCEPT... when I'm under great distress, like after a breakup, during a heated disagreement, or some stressful project or event. I revert to my old ways, feel out of control, and feel childish and confused afterward. My communications during these times also tax my friends / significant other, worsen or complicate an already-bad situation, and make further attempts to communicate burdensome or simply undesired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I do to mitigate this issue at the &quot;root&quot;?&lt;/strong&gt; I can't seem to rely on my developed habits (deleting the message then rewriting later; or simply delaying and editing) when in situations of distress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;EDIT: I'm grateful for everyone who wants to help, but I'm looking for advice mainly from those who live through the same experience, or therapists and other professionals who have helped others with this experience. It's easy for someone who isn't me to come up with tips / advice / rituals / wisdoms / lifehacks / etc... but without a close grasp onn the context and &quot;the way I am,&quot; advice sort of misses the mark. I'm looking for the less-obvious advice that took trial and error to find.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5648" LastEditorUserId="5648" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T09:05:09.750" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T09:05:09.750" Title="How can I better control my desire (or need) to send long messages?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="10" ClosedDate="2017-09-25T19:20:35.227" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3813" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-13T10:25:39.197" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you  write long messages to cope with stress, or to express your feelings, or to explore solutions to problems, or to achieve all of these goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are understandable needs, but your strategy can be adjusted to act less impulsive. In the heat of the moment you tend to send unduly long and perhaps unfiltered messages, which upon reflection you feel ashamed for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice that &lt;strong&gt;you don't need to actually send the message&lt;/strong&gt; that you wrote to satisfy most of your needs. So rather than giving up writing, I'd suggest to delay sending the message by a set time*, then to reconsider if you still want to send a message, and (only) if yes to revise and cut back the original message before sending it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may often find that already by writing down your thoughts and feelings you have better understood what's bugging you, found a (preliminary) solution, and calmed down a bit. Sending the message might then not be necessary anymore. Or you may want to send just a brief message that focuses on the conclusion and omits the entire thought process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also want to consider technical solutions to automatically delay sending messages (&lt;a href=&quot;http://smallbusiness.chron.com/delay-sending-iphone-messages-71655.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://support.office.com/en-us/article/Delay-or-schedule-sending-email-messages-026af69f-c287-490a-a72f-6c65793744ba&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;2&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.psafe.com/en/blog/guide-sending-delayed-text-message-android/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;3&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In &quot;situations of great distress&quot; (as you put it), your anxiety (or whatever negative emotion) may undercut your self-control and you may be unable to delay sending the message. If so, you have to find a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/stop-anxiety-quickly&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;strategy&lt;/a&gt; that helps you to &lt;strong&gt;calm down&lt;/strong&gt; before anything else: Breathe deeply, take a walk, change the location, listen to music or the radio, work out (just a few push-ups can do wonders), call a friend whom you trust. Also ask yourself what you hope to achieve by sending the message immediately. A reassuring reply? (Reassure yourself: &quot;I'm ok&quot;.) Making sure the other person isn't mad at you? (They will calm down.) Feeling less lonely? (Fix a date with a friend.) Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't work and your impulse to relapse into behavior that you regret remains too strong, you should consider asking a therapist for help (offline).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; *) Perhaps an hour for a text message and a day for a letter or email.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T07:35:20.317" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T07:35:20.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3815" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3816" CreationDate="2017-09-13T10:47:15.050" Score="3" ViewCount="2708" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had a friend for a while now, 5 years to be precise, and we used to be able to talk for hours with each other. Getting specific, both of us at one point were huge video game fanatics. We would talk for hours on a specific game that both of us played. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that we've both gotten older, I've moved on, and I'm not really interested in gaming anymore. As for him, that is the only piece of conversation he has to offer. Most interactions between us consist of one of us talking about what's 'going on' for us (for me, physics and science, for him, gaming) and trying to steer the conversation over to our own subjects. Occassionally, the conversation will just cease after a few sentences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no idea what to do, he continues to start conversations that I'm not interested in. What should I do other than confront him and tell him to stop talking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5013" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T17:28:30.487" Title="An old friend can't hold a conversation with me anymore, what do I do?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T02:07:33.550" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3815" CreationDate="2017-09-13T10:55:48.760" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be honest with him&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People grow, and as they grow, they change. Sometimes we grow apart from other people because our interests become different. What you should do is just tell him openly that gaming is not really on your mind anymore, and talking about it isn't interesting you at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From where I'm standing, I'm pretty sure your friend also realised that you two don't really have much in common anymore. because like you said :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Occassionally, the conversation will just cease after a few sentences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually when a discussion drops after a few sentences, it's a clear cut sign that both speakers understand that there is no point in talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think both of you kind of feel the same way about your discussions, and if you were to bring it up, and talk honestly about it, I'm pretty sure you'd be relieved, and him too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorDisplayName="user2014" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T10:58:59.817" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T10:58:59.817" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3815" CreationDate="2017-09-13T11:01:48.977" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to continue conversations with him, naturally you will have to find out new subjects that the two of you find interesting. Gaming still remains his interest, but you don't feel the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him. Tell him that you're now interested in other subjects. He should understand that it's not helping if he continues to talk about games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still love movies and games and even cartoons for that matter. Most of my friends have either lost interest in those or are very caught up in other things. I try not to bother them by involving them in such discussions. But instead, I found other people to talk about those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T11:01:48.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2017-09-13T12:01:23.873" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a computer programmer myself there used to be a time when I went into the problem-solving mode that's about giving advice. Today, I have a different way to have a conversation.&#xA;When I'm not conversing to solve a problem or to exchange ideas on an intellectual level I'm listening for the sake of having an authentic connection with the other person. As the conversation progresses I feel whether the feeling of being connected gets stronger or whether the conversation moves into the banal realm of small talk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that I ask questions that are likely to further the feeling of being connected. When hearing the problem about a coworker I might ask for the specific emotions. What did you feel in that moment? What do you feel now about the situation? What do you feel inside your body? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I ask the questions I pay careful attention to how it affects the emotional connection we are having. Do my questions make our interaction deeper, or do the distract from the moment we share together? Not every question succeeds into going in the right direction, but the important thing is to notice which questions help to further the nice feeling of connection and which don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;problem&quot; I attempting to solve is that I want to feel a deep connection within the conversation and I chose my words to optimize for solving that &quot;problem&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Authentic relating exercises, Circling, Active Listening, Radical Honesty and Nonviolent Communication are all practices that helped me to develop a toolkit of questions I can use in a conversation to &quot;optimize&quot; the conversation. I personally found it very valuable to learn practices like that in a structured environment at workshops. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This mindset of using different conversation tools to achieve the result I want completely removes any need on my part to offer suggestions of how a problem might be solved because that's not what I'm optimizing for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing you can do to force your boyfriend to change but you can suggest him to switch his mindset and you can go to workshops together to get him comfortable with new conversation skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="92" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T12:01:23.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3807" CreationDate="2017-09-13T12:06:01.827" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are both sides of the story:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;people getting in are pushing ones who are already inside in order to to get on board.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;people already in are not moving, so they are effectively pushing the newcomers out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who's actually pushing whom is clearly nothing but a matter of interpretation. People inside feel entitled to keep their positions. People on the outside feel entitled to having room made for them. One side thinks it's rude to move in, the other side it's rude to not move in. Both sides think they're right, but nobody actually is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conflict is already there, just waiting for someone to burst out, even if everyone is benevolent. Sometimes an actually aggressive person (like the couple you've encountered) happens and then argument is unavoidable. There is no proper answer. Everybody thinks it's them who's right and it's others who are wrong, so a resolution is impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even in your case, it was possible that it was you who was wrong, maybe you were standing in a passageway (close to the door) so you were obstructing the flow of passengers. I'm not trying to excuse how that guy behaved, I'm just trying to partially explain reasoning that lead him to what he did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you chose to engage&lt;/strong&gt;, (which is expressing your feelings in any way, including speaking or even sighing) there is one rule of engagement that you've broken: you can never use phrases like &quot;excuse me&quot;. It's vague and unclear so your opponent will definitely interpret it to his advantage and it pushes you into defense, so you're losing initiative. In such altercations, the more aggressive and louder person &quot;wins&quot;. Your words must be precise and clearly put the blame on your opponent, like &quot;stop pushing!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastEditorUserId="3141" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T13:03:04.023" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T13:03:04.023" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2017-09-13T12:22:36.643" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have physical symptoms about the issue, it would likely be also in your own benefit if you could genuinely forgive your sister. On the other hand, genuine forgiveness is nothing that can be forced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely that there's a way that your sister could apologise that allows you to forgive her. &#xA;You can make it clear to your parents that you will need an apology to move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="92" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T12:22:36.643" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-13T12:40:45.677" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;People say that I talk too much. Do I care? No, I don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that you are yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to change for others, but if, looking at your message, you feel that it's too long, or that there is unneeded information, you can still cut the useless part of it and keep living with &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, I notice that I'm really talking too much. In that moment, I stop talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is called self-control, BUT I won't always be thinking about it, because it's just what I am. It may be true that I talk a lot, but that doesn't mean I'm expected to be another person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will find someone who loves you as you are, like I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that your problem is the fact that you don't accept yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By reading your words, I can feel &lt;strong&gt;pain&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;anxiety&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just have to sit down for a moment and think about it, decide how you want to be, and be like that. This is my suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3858" LastEditorUserId="4564" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T04:58:20.560" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T04:58:20.560" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3822" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3831" CreationDate="2017-09-13T13:29:09.517" Score="2" ViewCount="2839" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a particular person, I always say the truth, and I have serious difficulty to avoid saying what i think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only one situation that makes me able to stop my words is when I realize that my thoughts can be really offensive for the other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example if I think that someone is ugly I will never go to him saying: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, try to improve your aspect, you are ugly&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(if the guy/girl isn't hurting me with the same words)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But usually, even if I don't say anything, people clearly understand what I'm thinking, cause I'm really expressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, some days ago a girl in a whatsapp group, sent a picture of her wearing a new t-shirt and I replied like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Nice t-shirt! It makes you look skinny!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that moment i didn't want to be offensive, it was a compliment, but considering that she is  a bit &quot;overweight&quot; it looked like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Nice t-shirt! It hides that you are fat!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When i noticed the possible misunderstanding i replied again explaining what i was trying to say but everybody assumed it as something offensive and my girlfriend told me that I didn't look nice with my words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good part about it, is that everyone ask me for a real opinion, cause they know that I will always say the truth even if it isn't nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a promising young programmer in his second job experience with a real contract and (for someone with my age) a good salary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This aspect of my personality sometimes can be a problem with my colleagues, making them think that I feel superior to them or just invading their own space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still really like to be helpful and I always offer myself to help when someone is in trouble with some code.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a nice thing in my opinion, but I met colleagues who felt offended cause i had less experience than them or just didn't want me to be there like i was really invasive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do I have to assume this as my personality and keep living this way or I have to try to moderate myself? If yes, how?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3858" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T14:43:13.167" Title="People say that my tongue is a slide" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-09-13T15:01:04.330" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-13T13:36:06.837" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not exactly in the same situation as you, but I do have a tendency to write very long messages when I have something &quot;important&quot; to tell (like a breakup or a stressful professional event, for instance). In a way, those messages look like two &quot;instances&quot; of myself are talking, one to the actual friend, and the other correcting / judging the first &quot;self&quot;. Even if nobody complained to me about this style, it bothers me as I feel it makes the messages needlessly long and complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To prevent this, the best solution for me was to avoid sending mails and rather use &quot;live&quot; communication systems (like SMS or Facebook messenger), and to force myself to wait for a reaction from my interlocutor before going further in my story. Going step by step like this considerably reduced the length and complexity of my messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe it could do the trick for you as well ? (Of course, sometimes your interlocutor won't reply before a long time, but it could be helpful if they are available).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4441" LastEditorUserId="4441" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T16:32:31.840" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T16:32:31.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3702" CreationDate="2017-09-13T13:40:55.410" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Few things you can do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Flirting:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow that makes your eyes twinkle so beautifully, I could get lost looking at it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know how to say this, but you wearing that necklace makes me want to divorce my wife and propose to you!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, this might only work if you yourself look endearing/charming. If you think you don't look charming enough to pull this off, you may want to go to just regular flattery as follows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Flattery:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alright Ma'm, please just take that earring! It is on the house. That looks so good on you, I feel bad even charging you for it. [Make sure she doesn't take this seriously though!]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[A different version of the line above:] We have a special policy going on right now. You try our jewelry and the prettier you look wearing them, the bigger the discount is. Oh dear god this one has to be free! [With the perfect timing, your exclamation of something being free should be exactly when the lady puts the jewelry on. It needs to be spontaneous, not rehearsed.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[In a low voice:] That lady over there asked me why the necklace you are wearing is prettier than the one she just bought. I told her, it is not the necklace. Its the person! [Make sure you point to a lady that you know for a fact is not with this lady though. That might not work out well for you!]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Provocation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a bit more dangerous. Tread very carefully. Analyze your customer before you use this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[When the customer says she wants to try a particular necklace]This one right here? I don't know.. Your skin tone does not seem to match the style of this necklace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[When the customer says she wants to try a particular necklace]This one? Oh this is on the expensive side. This comes out to be $350. Do you still want to try it on?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[When the customer tries a particular necklace]I feel like you may need to go for something more [random necklace lingo].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Brutal honesty:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By brutal honesty, I am not suggesting telling the truth. I am suggesting telling lines that sound like there is no need for you to lie about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Of all the necklaces we have, this is the one necklace that is actually worth the price. I barely make a profit from this one piece right here. I sell it for its beauty and nothing else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I got to be honest, I know this is overpriced. I am not going to act like this is cheap. But this one has a [Something special with that particular piece that only a few of your other pieces have; She shouldn't be able to easily catch a different one that has the same perk as the one she has. Make this one special.] and you cannot find any that looks as pretty as these ones. You can go over to [some other jewelry store] and see how much they charge for the stuff they sell. And compare the quality of the two. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You got to agree that is prettiest thing you've seen! I know it is pricey, but just look at yourself! You got to agree you love how radiant you look right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, I do not know ANYTHING about jewelry. Its not about what you sell, its about how you sell it. This is what you are hoping to achieve by using these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make the customer laugh.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make the customer talk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make the customer stay.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make the customer like you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All these are going to give you an advantage and maybe help you make a few more sales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not have any sales education. I've worked a few jobs in sales, but nothing commission based (where making sales was a priority). I've just heard a lot of people tell me I have a way with customers. That is where all this is coming from. If any of this is stupid or wouldn't work, please let me know in the comments. I'd love to learn why I'm wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps you close more sales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T13:57:14.887" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T13:57:14.887" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3807" CreationDate="2017-09-13T13:43:11.753" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in Rome, where the public transports are in a desperate situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always meet people pushing and what i do in these situations, is to push them back, out of the transport, not phisically pushing but just by highly maintaining my position and if they keep pushing, by occupying more space to don't let them push in anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's a bad attitude, but i see people hurting eachother to step into the bus and by acting this way i never had problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If i have the space to let someone in i just move away, but if i don't, why do you keep pushing? If you keep pushing when i don't have enough space, there is nothing to tell you, i can just speak your same language by pushing you out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3858" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T13:43:11.753" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-13T14:08:36.640" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find it most useful to try to be moderate between stressful times.  All this means is work the hardest at being short and simple with work, more relaxed in personal things and don't overly restrict yourself in general, and do keep a journal and use it regularly, even more when under stress.  What I find most effective is not fighting my nature entirely.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In therapy I came to the conclusion that &lt;em&gt;in my case&lt;/em&gt; it is my attempt to be clear.  Apparently I take it very seriously if I am misunderstood, so much so, that I want to ensure there is very little room for interpretation.  I am a fan myself of long answers from others though, so I also enjoy that in someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do delay sending if what I am saying is of significant importance (say a disagreement that I feel strongly over).  It gives me time to calm myself and decide if everything I was going to say needs to be said.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before I start I write it like a paper of sorts.  I decide what matters most to cover.  I basically pick no more than 5-7 things and then stick to those.  I think of it like my grocery shopping list.  I mostly follow the list, sometimes I add something in if along the way it seems truly worthy to add, otherwise I stay with the original list.  Then when I am editing, I keep the core list in mind when deciding what can stay and what I can cut.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the older I get, I stick to communicating and interacting mostly with people who like me how I am.  I am a person that can live with lots of differences and quirks and I am not interested in asking anyone to change anything about themselves that is harmless.  If someone were sending me 10 page emails daily wanting a response on everything, then sure, that would be overwhelming.  I do not think that is what you are implying you do though.  One of the best gifts I ever gave to myself was deciding to love my own quirks, limit contact with those that clearly weren't supportive to &quot;me being me&quot; and relax a little.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say often that I know I am intense.  I am a high energy person overall.  I have ADHD that I manage it med free, because I like how I am in general (and I don't like me on meds).  I always have 100 projects going, I am always researching something new (and very excited about it), I feel a deep need to change trajectory in my life/career/studies often, but it keeps me fired up.  I talk too much for some, but just right for others.  I write long things sometimes to others, other times I write nothing at all that is shared with anyone.  But I do no real harm by any of this.  I haven't harmed my family financially with job changes, as I ensure I get myself prepared before shifting into a new path so that we aren't on a payroll rollercoaster.  My interests are just that, hobbies.  So it harms no one if I suddenly become intensely interested in learning how to start worm composting indoors or faux painting/marbling with poured epoxy, or researching string theory.  The people I keep around let me be me and be excited about what makes me excited and &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; that about me.  Not everyone does like that.  I am fully accepting of that as I don't like all things about all people either.  I don't try to change me to make everyone happy though and I don't ask that of others either.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give yourself grace to know that most people (long writing aside) do not function at their optimal when under great distress as you mentioned.  Everyone is trying to manage their own nuances and quirks during those times.  If your words are not cruel and damaging, then it's not a terribly bad quirk to have.  If your concern is that you are loosing control over your tone and words, that is a different issue.  Lengthy writing isn't as a big of an issue as &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; you write.  If I am unsure of whether what I am saying is kind enough or not in conveying my feelings about a problem, I start with an &quot;objectives&quot; list first.  I make clear to myself what I am hoping will come out of what I say.  Then I try to keep it in mind when writing, but not obsessively.  I write pretty freely.  Then when I am done, I read it and ask myself how what I have said will (or won't) work toward my original objective and edit or rewrite as needed to meet the goals.  This is particularly important when you are angry or hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T14:08:36.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3822" CreationDate="2017-09-13T14:11:41.100" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say in several ways that you're happy - maybe even proud - to be a truth teller. I would ask you to evaluate whether you're a truth-teller, or whether you're just &lt;em&gt;impulsive&lt;/em&gt;. Impulsive doesn't carry the same connotation, yet it is what you describe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also recognize that others don't always like your &quot;truths&quot; and it causes some to think less of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Until you care more about the feelings of other people than your truth-telling, you will have no real reason to change.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tell the truth and not hurt people. Just don't tell so much of it. You need to stop yourself from spilling everything you think as soon as you think it. (That is not a &lt;em&gt;charming&lt;/em&gt; characteristic.) And practicing a poker-face wouldn't be bad either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An etiquette book in your culture should be easy to come by. You can start there. For example, it's not appropriate to comment on a person's physical appearance. &quot;That T-shirt looks great!&quot; is ok, and truthful. Whether they look skinny, fat, or just right is not a topic of conversation unless they ask you directly. (Even then, use &lt;em&gt;discretion&lt;/em&gt;.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you can offer your help and leave it at that. You don't have to hover over someone to give it. Let people ask, then, if they want it. There's no dishonesty in that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm saying is that you can live telling the truth without insulting or hurting people. But you have to see the value in not hurting people before you change, because change is hard, admitting you're wrong is hard, and you'll have to do this to do the work required to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T14:11:41.100" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3829" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3822" CreationDate="2017-09-13T14:17:25.363" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This apparent lack of tact and respectfulness will undoubtedly negatively affect your career if you use these kinds of remarks in your job with your colleagues, managers, or customers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you think of as being &quot;honest&quot; is coming across as rude and disrespectful and you will most probably lose friends and/or lose the opportunity to make future friends because of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to fix this.  You need to pass comments that allow other people to feel good about themselves rather than being &quot;honest&quot; and telling them any negative aspects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T14:17:25.363" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3794" CreationDate="2017-09-13T14:21:00.303" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Greetings from Baltics. &#xA;People are a bit reserved here, so don't get offended if some of them might refuse to take a photo. But mostly they will be alright with it. (it could happen that they don't speak English - so go for younger generation)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you will probably want to take photos in places of tourist attractions - ask other tourists. They will know your struggle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And use your judgment. Don't ask a creepy dude if you don't feel like, and definitely not someone running late to a meeting. If the place is by the coffee place, ask a waitress if she doesn't have to walk off the workplace (they are less likely to steal anything from you)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it's totally okay to just start with &quot;excuse me.. can you take a photo of me..&quot; Start the conversation maybe before you are too close to the person, or they might feel scared. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it will be quite similar in the Eastern Europe when you get to Scandinavia, it will be so much easier, as they are quite open and friendly to strangers, and sooooo used to taking photos for tourists daily. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5668" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T14:21:00.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3831" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3822" CreationDate="2017-09-13T14:43:13.167" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am honest with people.  It is something I pride myself on.  That doesn't mean I say things that I am not asked about though nor that I think they need to hear every thought I have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband asks me if I like the shirt he is wearing.  If I do not like it particularly, I will tell him instead what shirt I prefer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend has gained a lot of weight in recent years and says she feels terrible about it.  I talk to her about the fact that she is still who she always was and the best parts of her are the same as they always were.  This is true.  It's honest.  It doesn't add to her woes.  She doesn't need me to tell her I agree that she has gained weight nor make a ton of suggestions on how to lose any.  She is intelligent.  She already knows her options.  What she needs is for me to tell her that her weight doesn't define her and she is an awesome person at any weight.  I am not her personal trainer nor nutritionist, so anything else isn't actually helpful, even if it were true or honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an artist.  My children subsequently often will declare they are &quot;terrible&quot; at art.  They are prone to saying they cannot draw, etc (all of them).  I can't say their art has always been amazing.  I am not going to tell a child that I can't tell their car is a car.  What I say instead is that art is subjective.  I tell them it's a skill too like any other that requires loads of practice and that if they aren't happy with their skill level and it matters to them, to keep working on it and refining their techniques.  I would never speak something like agreeing with one that the other child is far better.  Even if I believe some of my children do have more artistic talent than others, that is of no benefit to any of them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you notice in all cases I was honest.  I wasn't blunt though.  People &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; come to me to ask honest opinions because they know I &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; give it if I am directly asked to do so.  I do not shy from being fully honest.  I merely try to mitigate what someone is actually asking.  Like in your example of getting a new shirt, that is not a question about her weight, hence why people said that comment wasn't received well.  She is asking how you like the &lt;em&gt;shirt&lt;/em&gt;.  Saying the shirt is very flattering likely could have conveyed everything you wanted to say without touching on aspects she wasn't asking about and would have been very well received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can just take a moment to ask yourself what the other person is asking here.  Are they &lt;em&gt;asking&lt;/em&gt; anything?  If they are, are they asking for that level of your opinion?  If they are not, refrain.  It would be better to say nothing if you find yourself merely sharing an unasked for opinion.  If they are asking something, keep it honest, but polite.  If you hate the shirt you don't have to say it that way.  You can say something like, &quot;I think it might be more flattering if it was a little longer, a different color, shorter sleeves&quot; etc.   You can be honest while not being prickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once colored my hair (more than once, but I mean one particular instance).  I ran into a client I hadn't seen in a while outside of work.  She seemed shocked (fine) and said quite bluntly, &quot;Oh you colored your hair.  I hate it&quot;.  I was stunned.  I didn't &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; care to hear her opinion but she is the sort that thinks she is &quot;just being honest&quot;.  She apologized, half-heartedly right after, saying she didn't mean to blurt that out (she did, it was something she did a lot) and I told her not to worry one bit because it is okay for her to hate it.  I don't stop and wonder what she will think about my hair or clothing before I decide what to do with it.  I do it for me, so I generally don't worry what others are going to like best.  Then I gave her wink.  She acted then as if &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; had been the rude one.  Mostly what I was trying to avoid saying was that she is too old to not know what she should keep to herself.  And again, what I said is true.  Even if I had known she was personally going to hate my new hair color, I still would do it.  I didn't color my hair to impress her.  She never even crossed my mind when I decided to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learning how to not show every thought you have is a skill, like all others.  It's just like learning how to talk in front of a group or what proper first meetings look like in a business setting, etc.  It just needs to be practiced.  I haven't met a child yet that knows how to do this starting out and some find it a lot harder than others to learn.  All of us start out blunt.  Learning tact takes a lifetime and hopefully we all get better with it as we go along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T14:43:13.167" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3832" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3834" CreationDate="2017-09-13T15:12:44.827" Score="5" ViewCount="2248" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last night I was playing poker at the casino.  A combination of where I was sitting, bright lighting overhead, and a poorly fitting blouse gave me a pretty full view of the inside of a dealer's shirt.  I was doing my best not to look but (like most people I think) when I actively try to not look at something I often find myself looking at that exact thing when my focus drifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I felt uncomfortable saying anything at a table full of guys and wasn't sure what would be the appropriate thing to say as the cause could have easily been that she is larger than when her uniform was assigned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I bring it up?  If so what is a socially acceptable way to say that the space between your buttons is wide open?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Related to, but substantially different from the following question as the root cause of lack of coverage isn't something that can be immediately remedied:  &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3348/is-it-appropriate-to-tell-someone-of-the-opposite-gender-your-fly-is-down&quot;&gt;Is it appropriate to tell someone of the opposite gender &amp;quot;your fly is down&amp;quot;?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for clarification based on several comments:  Due to rules from the union, dealers share tips in a pool of 100+ people without even any sort of tracking who individually collected what.  Given the low percentage of additional tips a dealer would see (&amp;lt;1%) I see it as unlikely that tips would be a significant factor in this situation.  Good thing to consider in similar situations but not applicable in this specific one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update on this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think most had interpreted this as cleavage out of the neckline rather than between the buttons.  Turns out she was pregnant and just starting to show which caused her shirt to fit tight down low and loose up top and distort in the middle.  She shortly afterwards switched over to the maternity uniform which fit much better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3983" LastEditorUserId="3983" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T17:04:45.227" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T22:41:25.983" Title="If and how to point out wardrobe malfunction in someone of the opposite sex" Tags="&lt;gender&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;clothing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3833" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3837" CreationDate="2017-09-13T15:18:37.597" Score="56" ViewCount="17413" Body="&lt;p&gt;The situation is a one-on-one meeting with someone I have never met before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know much about that guest, just their profession or connection to our organization, not even if they are from a different country. That means, that I don't know about possible cultural differences. But it is safe to assume, that they are accustomed to the US. It is rather formal, think of business or academia. A possible situation is picking someone up at an airport or the like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only got their name in writing. There is no one to help me, since they don't know either and aren't present anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to greet them as politely and gently as possible, so that they really feel welcome. How to achieve this goal in the best way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If requested, I can try to give further details. Sorry, if it appears a little bit vague, but this is a situation that can arise more often in the future (e. g. on short notice, that I shall welcome X and ...). So I want to be prepared beforehand. I ask here, because the focus lies on the interpersonal aspects.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T01:40:35.193" Title="How to politely receive someone when you don't know how to pronounce their name?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3832" CreationDate="2017-09-13T15:24:09.780" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, you are correct that bringing it up at the table is not really appropriate, unless you happen to be in the 1 seat or the 9/10 seat (Next to the dealer) and can discreetly whisper in her ear without it being overheard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is the basic thought that she is perfectly aware of it, and is using it as an enticement to better tips (As a dealer's salary is substantially dependent on tips). In that case, anything you say would most likely be decently received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other scenarios include that was the only shirt that was clean, she can't afford new shirts, is completely unaware of it, had to borrow from a roommate, things like that. In those scenarios, she is most likely going to be embarrassed, and thinking about it the rest of the shift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every poker room has several floor supervisors, whose job it is to enforce things like dress code, and each day before the shift starts there is a dealers meeting. At that time, they would address it, so it is entirely possible she has already been notified that it is unacceptable. If you were really uncomfortable with the situation, I would have notified one of the floor supervisors and let them know about it. That can be done away from the tables, and then handled discreetly later. The downside there is that you could potentially get her in trouble for dress violation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really think that is the best course of action. You run a high risk of embarrassment for both her and yourself if you address her directly, so if you honestly feel it needed to be addressed, I would have spoken to a floor supervisor and let them handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T15:24:09.780" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3833" CreationDate="2017-09-13T15:45:41.203" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to pick people up at the airport.  I did the (maybe hokey) thing of holding a sign.  Then when I would meet them, I would straight away tell them I am unsure how to properly pronounce their name.  I think even cross culturally people understand this is a respectful gesture.  I do &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to say it correctly and I find asking right away is far less awkward than putting them in a position to correct me or put up with me saying it wrong.  So the exchange at an airport would look like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Hello!  Welcome.  How was your flight? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Answers...blah blah&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: I am (insert name). (Normally they will now say their own name,&#xA;  even though it's on my sign.  However, if they do not, then you go on).&#xA;  No one has informed me on how to pronounce your name.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Pronounces name. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: (Recite name aloud slowly and clearly so that in case I have missed&#xA;  something, they have a chance now to help me refine what I thought I&#xA;  heard.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once I &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; I have it right, I say it once more and ask if that is correct.  You can modify the same approach even if not picking them up by simply skipping the initial part of that &quot;how was your flight&quot; stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T16:00:18.780" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T16:00:18.780" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3837" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3833" CreationDate="2017-09-13T15:47:51.557" Score="86" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am Indian. My first name is hard for many Indians to pronounce and my last name, common as it may be in India, has 14 characters! I know I am one in a million when I say this, but you can destroy my name as badly as you can, I'd not get offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that my name is hard to pronounce. I am in the US and I know my name is not an English name. It is an Indian/Sanskrit name. I acknowledge that an American person might not be able to say it even nearly close to it sounding right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it does not bother me. I've read so many articles about people getting severely offended about their names not being pronounced right. That has always infuriated me, but a huge majority of them are like that and I hate it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is wise of you to try not to offend the majority. Let me break down my personal experience with a guy, lets call him John, who tried his absolute best to make sure he didn't offend me at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first minute you meet someone:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is always the most awkward point. John flew through this like butter on a hot pan. He saw me, walked up to me with a beautiful big smile on his face, and said, &quot;Well hello there, how do you do. I am John, pleased to meet you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its been a few minutes and pleasantries have been exchanged:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I know what you are thinking. &quot;Wait a minute, John didn't even try to pronounce his name. He didn't address the person with his name. That is messed up&quot;. It bothered me too. I knew why he didn't though, because he was scared he was going to mess it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were in the car together and he started talking about the flight and how was the trip and all that. Then he says: &quot;So don't mind me for asking you this, can you pronounce your name for me please? I had a bit of difficulty getting it out right and I didn't want to offend you. So I stayed on the safer side.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I pronounced my name for him, there were a few &quot;No its ....&quot; &quot;No its.....&quot; and then he almost got it. I laughed and said &quot;good enough&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He then proceeded to ask me what it means. He asked me a few questions about where I am from and some more cultural questions about the place I am from. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Points to remember:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you are afraid you are going to mess someone's name up, don't try saying it the minute you meet them. Give it a minute. Get comfortable with them and make them feel comfortable with you, then pop the question. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try and get them to tell you their name without asking. That is why John told me &quot;I am John, pleased to meet you&quot;. My immediate response to that was &quot;I am Crazy Cucumber, pleased to meet you too&quot;. This way, you get a tiny little shot of how they say their name.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Once you've picked them up and they're in your car, ask them to pronounce their name for you. Make an honest attempt. Make as many honest attempts as you can. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;DO NOT just end it saying &quot;Is it OK if I call you [first letter of their name]?&quot;. People do that to me all the time and that actually bothers me. Its OK if you cannot pronounce their name, don't tell them you're going to call them by the first letter of their name. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it is practically impossible for you to make the noise of their name, ask them if there is a short form to their name. The way you phrase that question is: &quot;Do you have a nickname?&quot; or &quot;How do your friends call you?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not look at the name and think, &quot;Oh I can shorten it to this and use this. They probably go by that&quot;. They probably don't go by that. You ask them the question in point 5 and they'd tell you they go by whatever. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T15:47:51.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3702" CreationDate="2017-09-13T16:11:34.350" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Jewelry is a luxury.  Its not like a car or a electronic where people buy them to get the latest and greatest, or need the functionality.  People buy Jewelry to spoil themselves.  For that reason there is not form that will work for everyone because, people like to be spoiled in different ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Women window shop a lot more than men do in jewelry stores.  Think about it as how you go to the specialty store for your favorite hobby sometimes, even though you are not planning to buy anything.  You are just going to look and think and have a good time.  So you are never going to get anywhere near a 100% sales rate.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it is a luxury, and because (wild guess here) 95% of the people you encounter have no intention of actually buying anything, you need to connect with your customers personally if you want to get them to jump over the fence to become a paying customer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3702/what-expressions-or-phrases-can-i-use-to-close-jewelry-sales-with-female-custome#comment12868_3704&quot;&gt;comment&lt;/a&gt; you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sure I've asked {my wife}, but she's a &quot;natural&quot; who leverages&#xA;  personality and camaraderie more than sales technique.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guess what that is 99.999999999% of sales technique in the first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T16:11:34.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3840" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-13T16:17:23.837" Score="7" ViewCount="2281" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a recurring problem in my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try, but I can't have female friends. It is hard for me because I love to have conversations with them and I have problems with guys because they act like children, they can only talk about sex, and things like that. Even if I try to talk about it with them, they can't do it in a serious or mature way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems I have a lot of charm and charisma, especially on women, and this is something that girls have told me too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, that I am just myself. I talk with them, I tell them stupid things, like when I'm doing some poo (and I'm sure this isn't fascinating or mature at all), I talk with them about everything that is serious or not, and always as if they were adults without caring about their age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I'm clear that I just want to be friends and they seem to want the same, but after some weeks or less, they &quot;fall in love&quot; and tell me that they don't want to be my friend but more. When I clarify by repeating that I just want to be their friend, they just kick me out of their life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's like I can't control this, it happened when I was 19 years old  with a 36-year-old woman too (but in her case we did something more).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't understand what happens because if I look at a mirror  I feel uncomfortable, I see myself as an ugly guy, so I don't think it's physically related, especially considering that I'm not tall and I look younger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe I did something wrong, considering that I love cuddles and it's a part of my personality, when I'm single I hug my friends (only girls, I don't like to hug boys as that makes me feel uncomfortable) and I suppose that those cuddles may let them think that I want more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't try to be &quot;sexy&quot; with them at all. I even asked one of them how she cleaned her nose with her piercing...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I be friends with a girl without making her fall in love with me?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3858" LastEditorUserId="3858" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T07:58:39.323" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T07:58:39.323" Title="How to maintain friendships with women, while discouraging romantic feelings?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="17" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-09-14T04:22:33.473" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3841" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3849" CreationDate="2017-09-13T16:49:52.123" Score="13" ViewCount="3393" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm currently preparing to cycle the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.adventurecycling.org/routes-and-maps/adventure-cycling-route-network/transamerica-trail/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;TransAmerica Trail&lt;/a&gt; next summer, and am in the process of searching for a traveling companion. The problem though is that, since this is a fairly long trip, it is &lt;strong&gt;much&lt;/strong&gt; more difficult to find someone to go with who lives locally to me; i.e., someone I could find through local bike shops, cycling groups, etc.. Because of this, I've had to take my searches to the internet, and consider responding to &quot;companions wanted&quot; posts, such as &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.adventurecycling.org/adventure-cyclist/companions-wanted/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;these&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;would it be considered &quot;too much&quot; if I were to ask a potential travelling companion if I could do a [SSN based] criminal record background check on them?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean, I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; going to be traveling with this person for the better part of 2 months, and will be trusting them with my life, in some ways. I just want to make sure I don't get matched up with someone who has an intimidating criminal history, mostly if it were related to theft or violence (whereas sth. like tax evasion I wouldn't be as concerned with). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, would it be reasonable for me to ask for a background check? And, if so, what would be the best way of bringing it up? I don't want to scare people off from being overly precautious, however, I also don't want to be careless in my selection. Also, at the time of asking them, I would also be most comfortable in offering that they do one on me too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks in advance :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2777" LastEditorDisplayName="user2777" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T16:57:35.977" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T13:31:27.210" Title="How to ask someone if I can do a background check on them?" Tags="&lt;personal-information&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3842" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3841" CreationDate="2017-09-13T17:09:58.680" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is totally not weird to want to do a background check on somebody you're going to be spending a lot of time with. To me, it is similar to hunting for a roommate. You want to make sure you don't get robbed and left in no man's land while you sleep. Just be upfront with them. Tell them you're going to have a company perform a background check on them if they would like to be considered. If they have issues to hide, you probably don't want to travel with them anyways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to put this separately since I'm not for sure on this, but there are probably companies that will do background check and provide you the information without you providing them the soc. sec. number. Example, you give the company the potential companions contact info, they reach out and ask for Personally Identifiable Information, then they provide you the result. You don't need to see their info that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit to add another, but marginally more risky option. Pay to have your own done. Then offer them reimbursement if they have their own done. Then you can swap checks with no information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1833" LastEditorUserId="1833" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T18:58:21.677" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T18:58:21.677" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3833" CreationDate="2017-09-13T17:19:12.340" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;How to find out how to pronounce someone's name:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Hi I'm Alex, I apologise, I don't know how to say your name, could you clarify how I should say it?&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They say: &quot;Jacob&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat the name at least 3 times as soon as you can, take every opportunity to do so:  &quot;Jacob, with a J not an I? Jacob, right? So Jacob, how was your flight?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes you can Google a name and ask Google how it's pronounced. I had an Irish marketing guy I worked with called Eoin. I looked up on Google how to pronounce it and it turns out you read it like &quot;Owen&quot;. Needless to say he was super impressed when I called out &quot;Hi Owen&quot; when we first Said hi. Apparently everyone else called him Eon. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you know someone who knows them ask how they pronounce it. Blame it on them if it turns out they told you wrong way. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5511" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T17:19:12.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3702" CreationDate="2017-09-13T17:21:35.533" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've asked specifically how to close customers but your question is somewhat ambiguous as to where the customers are in your sales funnel. They may not be ready to be closed upon. Closing is the final process of sales, involving payment, receipts, and possibly price negotiation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can assume that they have already expressed an interest in your jewelry. Based upon your comment about what your wife does and some of my own ideas about jewelry, I am willing to make a further assumption and propose that you have not made the experience personal enough. You have not sold it to them at all, so there is nothing to close.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Each individual audience is different. It may take some time before you are able to read your customers and apply the appropriate strategy to generate a connection with your products. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask general questions which gently probe their interest. Let the customer talk to you. As they are talking let them know you are listening by asking appropriate questions related to what they have already said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you may have been giving a technical monologue instead. Try asking them questions about what they are looking for. Try to get them to open up about what their expectations are before gently steering that interest into your existing products.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use the personal details they have provided to create a connection with the product. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;What are you looking for today?&quot;&#xA;&quot;Are you looking for something to complement an existing piece?&quot;&#xA;&quot;Do you need something to match an outfit?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pick something and suggest it. If they object, listen to their reasoning to gain more information about their preferences. This is a great one for people who are &quot;just browsing&quot; take something from below the counter and ask them for their opinion on it. Politely solicit their feedback to get them talking about what they want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also talk to them about the attendance level of the trade show or other general topics, but only as a stepping stone to the customer's preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let yourself strike out so you know what works for you. Above all you need to feel comfortable before they will feel comfortable opening up with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid mentioning things like: &#xA;&quot;...It is not my area of expertise...&quot;&#xA;&quot;I am a photographer, therefore...&quot;&#xA;&quot;if my wife were here, she could tell you about..&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you learn this process your next priority will be anticipating the customer's actions and learning to control the tempo. This is much like controlling the initiative in a game of chess. You will learn the most common objections and have responses ready to steer them back on course. You don't want to counter objections by disagreeing with the customer. You are there to help them reach the goal of a purchase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have the customer in a chatty state you can concern yourself with closing. This will become a priority when you feel that you are wasting time with someone who browses or talks too much without purchasing. In these situations you can indicate a time preference or a discount. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Closing may also include piggybacking multiple items into a single sale. You might rationalize how the two or more items go together: &#xA;&quot;I just couldn't sell them separately...&quot;&#xA;You can personify them and suggest that the items have a bond:&#xA;&quot;X would be lonely here in the display case without Y...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, If you are unable to close, keep the door open by offering contact information. Provide a business card with the option to purchase from your website. Keep this as a last option. If the customer feels that they can buy it at anytime, they may put it off and forget all about your products.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5678" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T17:21:35.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3815" CreationDate="2017-09-13T17:28:30.487" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you still want to be friends with this man? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If yes, maybe it's worth leaving longer periods of time between chats. E.g. if before you chatted very week now talk every month or every 2-3 months. This way, you'll have more to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does he know you've moved on from video games? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask him about other areas of his life like work or people he met through gaming rather than the game itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, put a time limit on the call:.&quot;I only have 20 min as I'm going out with my girlfriend at half past, but I want to hear how you've been&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may feel he has to fill up the time as you used to talk for 2hrs so now maybe thinks you still should be talking for hours even though there's less in common to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5511" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T17:28:30.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3841" CreationDate="2017-09-13T17:49:44.803" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Doing a BGC is a good idea. No matter how you phrase it, though, some people will balk. That's ok. That's the first hurdle in picking someone you want to travel with for that long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A reasonable person will understand why you want to do the check. For good measure, though, I would assure them there is no intent to use the information for any other purpose but your own need to know and would tell them how the information will be handled and disposed of. I would not ask for information that can lead to identity theft.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to ask? If you're getting on well with the person you've met, just ask straightforwardly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since we're going to be alone together for a long time, it's almost like having a roommate! Would you mind terribly if I do a background check on you? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not offer to let them do one on me; &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would do one on me and offer to exchange that information with them when you have yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In return, of course you'll have access to mine as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T17:49:44.803" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-13T18:33:52.707" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Be concise.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have always had the same problem. In a nutshell, I found the trouble is I over-explain and go on relevant but unnecessary tangents. Somewhere in those 5000 words will be one or two core ideas I wanted to express and in re-reading my own message I can often whittle it back down to just that. Sometimes I delete my entire message and re-write it, now that I know what core ideas I want to express.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I think helped me and which you might try, as silly as it sounds, is poetry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that poetry is the art of describing a thing as accurately and concisely as possible. The format makes it difficult to ramble because every line takes more than the usual amount of thought. We ramble because it's easy and good form poetry isn't easy. I feel like the practice of poetry -- of trying to fit a format -- helps me think about my day to day writing as well. Did I really need to say all that? Could I have gotten the idea across more clearly with &lt;em&gt;fewer&lt;/em&gt; words? The answer is generally yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.&quot;&#xA;  - &lt;s&gt;Mark Twain&lt;/s&gt; Blaise Pascal&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5681" LastEditorUserId="5681" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T18:58:00.490" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T18:58:00.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3833" CreationDate="2017-09-13T18:48:34.153" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have time, try to google the name. You may be able to find a baby names site or a Youtube video where you can listen to a native speaker pronounce the name. You may still not be able to consistently replicate the sounds, but it can give you a good idea of how to say it and time to practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've done this a few times before and it works pretty well. If you can, still try to get them to say it first in case they do it differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5682" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T18:48:34.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3841" CreationDate="2017-09-13T19:33:52.710" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what you want is to see &lt;strong&gt;whether this person is trustworthy and safe to be around&lt;/strong&gt;. I question the assumption that a criminal background check will tell you that, for a few reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;An official background check will only potentially tell you about a few specific kinds of negative behavior, leaving out lots of things that could actually be important to your decision to travel with them. For example, someone might be petty, rude, manipulative, and a liar, but that may never result in anything official on their record.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Background checks only show stuff that people got &lt;em&gt;caught&lt;/em&gt; doing. Just because someone has a clean background check doesn't mean he or she isn't a thief, batterer, drug user, rapist, etc. For something like rape, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;estimates indicate that only a tiny minority of cases ever result in an arrest, let alone a conviction&lt;/a&gt;. All of those unreported cases end up on no one's record at all. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Related to the previous point, who gets caught doing what (and therefore, what makes it onto our official records) is subject to a range of complex issues including institutional bias (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.politifact.com/punditfact/statements/2016/jul/13/van-jones/van-jones-claim-drug-use-imprisonment-rates-blacks/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here's a link on well-documented racial bias in drug arrests and charges&lt;/a&gt;). By relying on these records, you may inadvertently replicate those biases in your search for a traveling companion. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, as you suggest in your question, asking for a background check has the potential to cause offense or scare people away. Personally, I know my record is completely clean --- if a stranger I met on the internet (and that's indeed what you are to them, as much as they are to you) asked me for information to conduct a background check, it would raise all kinds of red flags. Imagine how much more intense the negative reaction might be for someone who feels they have something they definitely don't want to share (maybe their mom is undocumented, maybe they got caught up in a bad situation when they were a kid and some judge decided to make an example of them, etc.). To answer your question directly, &lt;strong&gt;I think it is &quot;too much&quot; to ask someone to submit to a background check in this scenario. Moreover, I expect conducting those background checks would be mostly a waste of time and money for you anyway.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I recommend you attempt the old fashioned &quot;getting to know you&quot; approach. :) Invite them to tell you about themselves, their habits/likes/dislikes, favorite travel memories, whatever. And you reciprocate. Write back and forth a few times. If you're close enough, ask to meet in person to chat, or maybe plan a phone call or video chat. Ask questions, get to know them. Swap social media details with them, so you can check out their facebook/twitter/instagram/linkedin/whatever and they can do likewise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this process, you will be able to check up on plenty of the details they offer, to reassure yourself. A google search for their full name is likely to pull up any news articles featuring them. If they've told you, for example, cities they've lived in, places they've worked or studied, etc. you can add those terms to your googling to pull up more relevant results. Many court records are also freely available online (try googling &quot;court records&quot; and your state, or the state your potential travel companion lives in). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, of course, you'll want to practice some good common sense: Whether or not you have a background check and/or you've been pen pals for ages, you should still put some extra protections in place and plan an exit should you need it. Have a phone that will get signal throughout your trip, and make sure other people know when to expect you at different points throughout your journey. Ideally, have another friend accompany you and your traveling companion at the beginning of the trip; if things don't feel right, you can bail when your friend does. I hope you have a great trip!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T19:33:52.710" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3850" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3807" CreationDate="2017-09-13T19:49:04.250" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not easy to avoid things like that from happening when buses are packed in southern Europe. Allow me to share my experience as I've been in your situation many times and even worse. I have been groped a few times on top of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the beginning, I chose not to say anything about the pushing. Or if  someone gave me an angry look, I would tell that person who clearly thought it was me pushing, something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, wasn't me, I got pushed. I'm sorry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or I would exclaim, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Who the heck just pushed us? How rude!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately though, when someone pushes me, especially if I have seen who it was, I will let that person have it. And you know why? People like that need to be embarrassed and exposed OR they will keep doing it because nobody has managed to say anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So one time,  I was waiting to get off the bus when a 60 year old woman pushed me. (It's usually older people who are really rude and feel entitled as if the bus belongs to them). This is what I said loudly and firmly, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why are you pushing me? Would you like it if I did this to you?&#xA;  Can't you just ask if I'm getting off, first?, Next time, wait your turn&#xA;  like the rest of us, ma'am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The relief I felt! And occasionally, I have even got the other people who were also pushed to stand up for themselves after hearing me complain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-13T20:08:42.733" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T20:08:42.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3841" CreationDate="2017-09-13T20:11:46.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note that your background check should cover not just the basic &quot;are you an axe murderer&quot; stuff, but also &quot;are you a good travel companion&quot; stuff, and &quot;are you and I compatible&quot; stuff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind, you should probably ask them for references, people they have travelled with before. Set up a short weekend trip.  Think about your stoppers and preferred trip lifestyle (wake up time? share a tent with a snorer?  evening alcohol consumption? cultural side trips?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T20:11:46.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-13T21:57:19.800" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;At the &quot;root&quot;? You cannot / should not&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your thinking style is writing.  You are probably a tactile learner, meaning you learn best from written things - so this is your brain talking to you. It is how you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your &quot;wall of text&quot; represents your brain dumping itself for you to review.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, you should not try to change who you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your real issue is to not share with the world all of your thoughts and how you got them, instead just sharing outcomes -- but, you have already developed a solution for that - just one that breaks down only under stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that case, before sending your wall of text, find a way to calm down, and apply the techniques you already use to shrink the text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2674" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T21:57:19.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3807" CreationDate="2017-09-13T22:29:12.870" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've faced a few overpacked bus rides myself, and I try to preempt such actions by observing the situation and taking matters into my own hands. More often than not, there will be gaps in the aisle where standing passengers have opted not to resituate after previous riders have disembarked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I see that this is the case and that we are coming up on a crowded stop, I'll ask people near me to please move back and make room, hoping for an impromptu game of telephone or monkey-see-monkey-do. If nobody complies or not enough room is made, I will loudly direct my request toward the entire vehicle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5605" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T22:29:12.870" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3833" CreationDate="2017-09-13T22:41:50.150" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a last name that traps Spanish speakers. If they see it in writing, they'll trip on the mute consonant at the end. Repeating doesn't work well, because they stay fixated on how they thought it would sound when reading it. However, I know they can say it just fine, because there is a word in Spanish that sounds just right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't say the word (that would be just like repeating and it wouldn't work) so instead I say &quot;like the verb ...&quot; and they always immediately get it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mention this anecdote to illustrate the fact that I came up with a simple procedure to make it simple for Spanish speakers to say my name. Most likely, if this person you mention is accustomed to the US, and they have a name that the average US person has trouble with, they did the same, they're used to it and it's a non-issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, there shouldn't be a problem, unless you insist too hard on not offending them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say &quot;Hello, I'm ...&quot; and shake hands. They'll get the hint and say their name, because they're used to that process. If you find it impossible to memorize it, just say &quot;I'm gonna need some help with that&quot; or something similar. Frame it as if you're both solving a problem. Maybe there's a short form, which you should ask. As said above, don't shorten it yourself, you might accidentally come up with something derogatory in another language...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, from what you say you're so anxious not to offend that you're putting the kiddie gloves and treating them like they're a temperamental child. This is A LOT more annoying than getting a name mispronounced. It's like you're going to take their hand and walk them through the hazardous process of getting you to say their name, which they probably already did ten times this week. It's a sure way to start on the wrong foot...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T22:41:50.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3840" CreationDate="2017-09-13T22:57:24.857" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could always try hanging out with women who aren't attracted to men... Joking there, but it would solve the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likely the best thing you could do is take a moment to recognize some of the signals you're sending. If you're younger and spending a lot of time alone with someone who could potentially be attracted to you, and you talk to them constantly, and try to make them laugh, and hug/cuddle with them when you see them.... Well it's not too surprising that they may think you're flirting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Actions speak louder than words. Particularly when it comes to romantic entanglement.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to &quot;just be friends&quot; start treating the women around you like they're just your friends. As in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make a point to spend time with them in group settings.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep your hands to yourself.  &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Treat your female friends like you would treat your male friends.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(If you wouldn't touch someone that you weren't attracted to that way, don't touch them that way)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Spread your attentions to more than one person.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People will often get the &quot;wrong&quot; impression if you talk to them a lot more than you talk to others.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also it helps to be more aware of when they are flirting with you. When they begin to be a little too close or a little too cuddly, don't reciprocate. Reassert the boundary, that you just want to be friends, and take a step back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T22:57:24.857" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3840" CreationDate="2017-09-13T23:00:19.143" Score="-3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have problems with guys because they feel like children, they can only talk about sex, and things like that. Even if I try to talk about it with them, they can't do it in a serious or mature way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, we have a diagnosis then: most likely you're way smarter than average.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You probably associate with women who are also smarter than average.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is natural that they share your unflattering opinion about the other guys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following this logic, they will think you're a nice catch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't really control other people's feelings, if she's attracted to you, then she's attracted to you, period. When you say you &quot;just wanna be friends&quot; what she will hear is &quot;you're not good enough&quot; so naturally she won't be in a good disposition after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wrong solutions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her you're gay: This will only make you hotter. Or she will introduce you to some guys and you'll have to own it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Act a bit like a jerk: If you overdo it, she'll think you're a jerk and leave. If you do it just right, she will view it as confidence and assertiveness and... this will make you hotter.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Act like a sick puppy who needs help: well, she might volunteer to help, bring you hot chicken soup and insist on spoon-feeding you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solutions to your problem are simple: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Less cuddling.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find a girlfriend! You don't seem to have any trouble doing that... and if you want to be friends with a woman, make sure she knows you have a girlfriend first.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or be friends with a woman who is outrageously out of your league. Or a lesbian. Or she has a boyfriend already.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T23:00:19.143" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3832" CreationDate="2017-09-13T23:40:57.273" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt; you really think it is necessary to tell her:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Don't dwell too much on the fact that you are of the opposite sex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was in the Navy, although I wasn't one of those who obsessed over the bearing of the uniforms — unless it was dress whites or blues and during special ceremonies, of course, — I knew that other people appreciated it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Once, on my workstation, I noticed that one of the female &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Machinist%27s_mate#Nuclear_mechanics&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; &gt;ELTs&lt;/a&gt; had a shirt that had become untucked in the back and was exposing some of her undergarments.  My concern was twofold — actually threefold, as it were, because radiological contamination is always a concern with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't beat around the bush.  I noticed this while I was walking past on my log-taking round, and so I told here right then and there, and then continued my business.  I think I said something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just thought you should know that your shirt is untucked in the back.  I don't care, but someone else might notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Straightforward.  Didn't make a big deal of it.  She responded with a “thank you” or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your situation is probably different, however:  Did it actually look like a “wardrobe malfunction”?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did it seem like the shirt had become accidentally less closed since when she put it on?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did it seem like the shirt was an ill-fit on the dealer?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She could've worn it in such a way intentionally — and I'm not saying that it would mean she is a slovenly or lascivious person.  Not at all:  it goes towards how you broach the topic, if at all.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Maybe whatever particle of her body which is being exposed has been overly sexualized, and rather unnecessarily so, and she simply doesn't think of it like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, although JohnP's &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3834/469&quot; &gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; gives you a good protocol to report many problems … if you are really concerned that this poor girl is unaware of her clothing's condition and would suffer mistreatment from other people who could notice it, you really then need to think about who you tell:  would the floor supervisor have her best interests in mind?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You'd like to think so, but there is always the chance he or she could make it even more awkward or uncomfortable for the dealer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll leave that one open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastActivityDate="2017-09-13T23:40:57.273" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3841" CreationDate="2017-09-14T00:48:10.767" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you are asking a lot of people would consider too much. However it seems you only need one person, so if you are only comfortable this way, go ahead and ask anyway. However there are a few things you should do when asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear you are asking all potential traveling companions to let you perform a background check. If it is a routine check it would seem less offensive than if it is specifically directed at them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear that they are free to perform a background check on you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5064" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T00:48:10.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3863" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3865" CreationDate="2017-09-14T01:22:59.383" Score="9" ViewCount="1590" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently moved to a new section, and my new boss (actually, my boss's boss) has repeatedly mispronounced my last name. It isn't a tricky name, and the mispronunciation is obvious (soft 'o' instead of an 'a'. The mispronunciation is a more common name though. Think like, 'Brock' v 'Brack' or something. So I get some misunderstanding). But I have a name plate by my cubicle so I feel it shouldn't be that hard. But I don't often interact with him individually and I don't want to bring it up when he's introducing me or in front of others (I guess since I already didn't say anything it's made it worse). The relationship is fairly formal in our office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I do this in a way that works well for everyone? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I should add that this isn't a cultural/language issue, we're both native English-speakers with European-sounding names.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5698" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-10-15T14:26:03.787" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T14:26:03.787" Title="How to correct my boss on name pronunciation" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3833" CreationDate="2017-09-14T01:53:06.307" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A fairly common solution for this is to subtly get them to say it for you, either by using what you do know, or else by introducing a third person into the mix. These have a varying degree of politeness, so only you can know what the situation may or may not allow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are quite sure of one of their names, call them Mr./Ms. (Mrs. only if you're certain!)/Dr. Lastname or say &quot;Hi, I'm Anne. Can I call you Firstname?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are only sure of a syllable or two, you could start saying their name and trail off, implying that they should finish it. If their name is not a typical one for your area, they may be used to correcting people. They may appreciate the effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is another person with you, you could introduce only the person you know, and let the guest introduce themselves to that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you two have a mutual acquaintance who has heard it spoken, ask them for assistance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also do some research online. If it's a foreign name, look it up in a name dictionary for that culture. Look for one that includes audio or IPA pronunciation. You could also visit a relevant forum and post a request for help in learning the name in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these or other answers aren't an option, just go the route of avoidance and greet them as sir or ma'am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5605" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T01:53:06.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3863" CreationDate="2017-09-14T02:47:15.000" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Standing up for yourself is rarely a bad idea. The only mistake you've made is not doing it sooner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People seem to forget that the boss is still a person. Being a person they're fallible. They make mistakes. It's only truly terrible people that can't handle being corrected over something as minor as a mispronunciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good bosses on the other hand tend to respect people who aren't too afraid of them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're worried about embarrassing the boss, say something in private. But, a good boss wouldn't mind being corrected in front of others. Respect is a two way street after all. Ask yourself if you really want to work for someone who can't be asked to say your name correctly...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T02:47:15.000" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-14T03:48:08.740" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Start a blog; or, write essays.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Learn some of the techniques used when writing essays if you don't already know or remember them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe even look at writing fiction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've got something to say, say it.  Be decent, but say it somehow.  As Procol Harum reminded us,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.procolharum.com/w/w0208.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; &gt;nothing's better left unsaid&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote class=&quot;spoiler&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt; that's what I do, anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, you've been looking at your writing as something which most people don't want.  Maybe.  Maybe they have simply accustomed themselves to simplify their communication to the point where it is almost little more than low–density chatter.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;My advice is that you grow, or progress, intellectually from simply seeing your mass of writs as a cathartic device, or a personal exercise, and look at it as something that might be of use to other people — but probably not in any of the outlets which you describe.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;So, you think deeply on various subjects?  Consider most of those people who've been labelled ‘philosophers’ through history:  Most of them have many volumes published, albeit often posthumously.  This is because they were probably, at least somewhat, like you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another important thing is learning to interpret criticism.  Not every critic knows the ‘big picture’, and not everyone will have the best advice.  Take a little from everyone, but not every critic deserves to be a guru.  Some people don't know what they are talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Abiding “social norms” is one thing.  Seeking venues for your talent is another.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Maybe you simply have not yet discovered the proper outlet for your thoughts.  Social media, chat in hallways, perhaps even the majority of your friends.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Don't close the final curtain until you've performed before the proper audience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;the messages&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far as pertains to your texts, IMs, or emails:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you feel comfortable expending your intellectual energies elsewhere, the need to write long messages will not necessarily abate.  From my experience, it will not.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;No problem there:  simply redirect your friends to your blog or other codified writings — published, printed, whatever.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hah, yeah, that's what I've noticed.  Didn't you read my blog?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastEditorUserId="469" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T05:29:54.360" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T05:29:54.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3869" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3873" CreationDate="2017-09-14T04:35:17.353" Score="8" ViewCount="3099" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are complaining to a corporation or the government who replies with a disingenuous prolonged apology (aka &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-apology_apology&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;non-apology apology&lt;/a&gt;), but totally fails to solve your difficulty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a further complaint, does it help you to discredit and dismiss their apology? How can you politely convince them that if their apology were sincere, they would have done more? Here's a draft whose tone (I know) offends and so must be pacified:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I cannot accept your lengthy apology that appears disingenuous and affected because you have failed to do anything to remedy the difficulty (e.g. failing to reply promptly, refusing my request for compensation, inconveniencing and distressing me with their mistakes). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T20:25:26.103" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T20:25:26.103" Title="How can you politely convince someone that if their apology were sincere, they would have done more?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-14T04:39:29.577" Score="4" Body="&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Writing about your feelings is a good outlet in times of stress and anxiety. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In college, adhering to social norms became much more of a priority, and I struggled to keep texts and emails brief. […] You know you're Andrew's friend when he sends you a 5,000 word email. But I was always ashamed and tried to introspect causes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ability to express your feelings in many words, be they written or verbal, is not something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. It shows maturity, insight and self-awareness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By writing your feelings and opinions on “paper” (texts don't cut the mustard) you are helping yourself because the act of writing requires time to be alone and to think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Such messages also tax my friends or significant other, often worsen or complicate the situation, and make further communication burdensome or simply undesired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The act of writing is, in itself, cathartic.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Write everything down, don't hold back anything. Write until you have said everything you wanted to say. But, and this is very important, DO NOT SEND THIS EMAIL. Save the draft, log out of your email account, and go out for a walk. Try to choose a place that is peaceful and relaxing, I am lucky enough to live near some woods and the seaside, but I'm sure there are parks you can go to, and if it has a lake you can spend the time feeding the water birds with fresh bread.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Re-read your long email after a day or two, when the panic, pain, and disappointment are less acute. You'll probably find that your long email needs to be proofread, reduced, and revised. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are happy with its content, you might want to send your email to a confidante. Someone who is not involved in the &lt;em&gt;crisis&lt;/em&gt;. Ask them to read your missive and to give their most dispassionate opinion. Ask them what can be cut and what needs to be reworded. Tell them it is not an emergency, give your confidante time to digest the contents of that email. Their considered reply should help you decide whether or not to send that long email. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this is is the antithesis of spontaneity. But rambling streams of consciousness is wearisome for any reader.  An author once sent a long letter to a friend and closed it with an apology: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“I am sorry for sending you such a long letter, I didn't have time to write a short one” (&lt;a href=&quot;https://books.google.it/books?id=IltqCgAAQBAJ&amp;amp;pg=PT5&amp;amp;dq=%E2%80%9CI%20didn%27t%20have%20time%20to%20write%20you%20a%20short%20one%22&amp;amp;hl=en&amp;amp;sa=X&amp;amp;redir_esc=y#v=onepage&amp;amp;q=%E2%80%9CI%20didn&amp;#39;t%20have%20time%20to%20write%20you%20a%20short%20one%22&amp;amp;f=false&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;source&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, you may find that things have sorted themselves out. That the crisis passed by, that you have made up with your friend, that you did manage to meet the deadline after all, or it was postponed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Allow time to pass, usually, a week is best–although that's a luxury you may ill afford– even waiting two days is better than sending a heated and text dense message on the spur of the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Link: &lt;em&gt;How Not To Write: Simple guidelines for the grammatically perplexed&lt;/em&gt; It's actually worth reading :)&lt;/sub&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T15:49:35.947" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T15:49:35.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3793" CreationDate="2017-09-14T04:57:33.003" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no good way to get your co-worker to simply stop sharing these photos. But here are a few options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do want to see the photos, tell your co-worker that you would like to focus on your work, but you'd love to see all of the photos in the break room in about an hour. Or over coffee at lunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not interested, again, tell your co-worker that you'd prefer not to use company time on personal photos, but if they could email you the pictures, or give you a link to their Facebook, you'd love to look at them during your own free time, as they light up your day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also tell your co-worker that you are in the middle of something, and that you will stop by their desk when you have a few minutes free to come see the pictures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these options allow you to see these photos at your own leisure. And if you never meet up for lunch, or never open the emails or stop by the desk, your co-worker will surely get the hint, and hopefully will not be offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1921" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T04:57:33.003" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3869" CreationDate="2017-09-14T05:04:41.970" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to know the answer yourself: it is rude. If I were writing something like this, I'd probably write it this way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Thank you so much for responding. I grew worried while waiting that you might not get back to me; I'm sure that it is difficult dealing with such a multitude of customers.&#xA;I'm sorry, I think I must have explained myself poorly, as your response doesn't completely address my problem. I will do my utmost to better express my concern, and in that way we can help each other. I am having a problem with.....&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, you get the desired result (hopefully) by deflecting blame onto yourself. You thanked them for their efforts, and then blamed yourself for how useless their answer was. The rep who is dealing with your problem will suddenly take a deeper interest in it, as it stands out from the crowd of rude, complaining emails. In many people, their terrible answer will even stir pangs of guilt upon seeing your eloquent politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1921" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T05:04:41.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3869" CreationDate="2017-09-14T06:19:32.610" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In a further complaint, does it help you to discredit and dismiss their apology?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No. This will ruin any goodwill that you might have gotten. If you want to remain polite, act like you accept the apology. You gave three examples of when you would like to dismiss the apology: failure to reply promptly, refusing a request for compensation, inconvenience and distress because of mistakes. Let me give you some reasons why you should never dismiss an apology based on these same 3 examples, and explain why you &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; have gotten the non-apology apology in the first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;First up: &lt;strong&gt;failure to reply promptly&lt;/strong&gt;. Well, you said you were complaining to a corporation or government. I don't know what 'promptly' means to you, but if I take a look at your other questions, you are at the least expecting a confirmation that your complaint was received, preferably within a day. Let me tell you: that is not going to happen. A corporation or government probably has thousands of messages and complaints arriving each day. If you are lucky, things will be dealt with within a week, but when complaining against a corporation or government, be prepared to wait a month or more before even getting a reply, and be prepared for the reply to be generic, they don't have the time to write everybody a personal letter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Next: &lt;strong&gt;refusal of your request for compensation&lt;/strong&gt;. In this case, don't dismiss the apology. &quot;I'm sorry, but your request has been denied&quot; after all sounds much nicer then &quot;You're not getting any compensation from us&quot;. Read the reply closely. Is there a reason stated for declining? Is there a referral to where you could go and ask for a second opinion? If so, gather all the evidence that you think supports your claim for compensation, like excerpts from terms&amp;amp;conditions, and refute the decision at the appropriate venue. Don't go attacking them based on their apology, instead, base your defense on the reasons your compensation was declined and on the evidence you have supporting your compensation claim. Lawyer up if necessary. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;And last but not least: &lt;strong&gt;Inconvenience and distress caused by their mistake&lt;/strong&gt;. Well, this is probably the reason you are getting a generic apology, or maybe even a non-apology. Distress and inconvenience aren't really measurable are they? What may seem like a huge inconvenience to you, might be something that just 'happens' sometimes. Example: A bus breaks down, you miss the train, and have to spent half an hour in a cold, dark night on a platform instead of in a nice warm bed. There's a reason you almost always have to go to court to claim psychological damage: It is a very intangible thing, and you'll need a lot of proof to back up your claim. Sending a generic (maybe non-apology) apology is the right response in this case. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can you politely convince them that if their apology were sincere, they would have done more?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to quote a paragraph from the Wikipedia article you linked for non-apology apology: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;While the non-apology apology is clearly unsuited to situations where an expression of remorse, contrition, and future change are obviously desirable (e.g. the &quot;happy ending&quot; apology), it may prove extremely useful in situations where little can be done to assuage the apparent offence or prevent its repetition, as when an airline apologises for a delay, in the full knowledge that a future repetition is inevitable. Such tactical apologies may have beneficial effects simply through the validation of the emotions of the offended party: they answer the basic human need for disagreeable emotions to be recognised and acknowledged as important, while protecting the apparently offending party from an expression of remorse. Negotiators often use this tactic to calm tense situations: &quot;an apology can defuse emotions effectively, even when you do not acknowledge personal responsibility for the action or admit an intention to harm. An apology may be one of the least costly and most rewarding investments you can make.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Read it carefully. What does it say? Right, it says it exactly, right there. You get a non-apology if &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They can't promise it will never happen again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are willing to recognize your emotions, but really can't remedy anything&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To calm tense situations. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, they are trying to calm the situation. Recognize that, and thereby their apology, and you will see that you can most effectively work from there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your problem isn't solved by the apology, think... Is it really something they could prevent from happening again? If not, don't keep pushing. The other party was right. And denying that is indeed rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T06:19:32.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3874" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3877" CreationDate="2017-09-14T06:27:19.247" Score="29" ViewCount="58883" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many people who contact me on WhatsApp send me (too) many messages. Most of those messages are pointless, some are useful and few are important. I usually make it a point to reply to the important ones. However, the other two messages, even when I read, I don't usually reply. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, I am not talking about a joke or a meme that somebody sent me. But something like &quot;You might be interested in this: blah blah&quot; or &quot;Should we have a party plan sometime this week?&quot; or &quot;How is your new project coming along?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My past experience is that replying to these messages starts long conversations resulting into a wastage of time and basically lead to nothing important. So I usually avoid replying to them even after reading. However, I fear that my senders might think that I am a rude person or don't care about them or something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how can I read their messages and not reply immediately without sounding rude? Or just reply to them so that that it doesn't result into long chats and waste of my time? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="192" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T10:52:24.940" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T10:52:24.940" Title="WhatsApp: read and not reply without sounding rude?" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;chatting&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3875" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3869" CreationDate="2017-09-14T06:43:46.637" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it rude? &lt;strong&gt;Yes.&lt;/strong&gt; Is it wrong? &lt;strong&gt;No.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, depends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you reply back with such tone to their (in)sincere apology, you have one goal in mind: &lt;strong&gt;to let them know that they fail to meet your expectation, and you want them to remedy the situation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being in touch with the customer service in my company teaches me a lot about the types of customers, complaints, and the person behind the customer service. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always read their reply and find out what the issue is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They don't understand/misunderstand your problem.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;Re-read your request&lt;/em&gt;. Can you make sense of it? Can you make it better? Use simpler terms and make sure the sentences make sense. Try asking someone else to read it and ask if they understand what you want.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Then, respond back with your rephrased request, but &lt;strong&gt;first point out that they misunderstand your request.&lt;/strong&gt; Hopefully now they understand and can proceed accordingly. If they can't understand your request, &lt;strong&gt;politely&lt;/strong&gt; ask to be transferred to other person in charge (in my case, usually another customer service).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The representative is not authorized to grant your request.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Well, it's obvious, &lt;strong&gt;ask for escalation to their superior or someone else who has the right to do that.&lt;/strong&gt; If they are the highest authority for that matter, well, you must find other way dealing with it outside the company. Consider &quot;breaking up&quot; with that company.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They simply cannot grant your request.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Maybe your request is out of scope of the service the company provide. Maybe they just can't do that. Either way, you can only stop here. Consider your options: accept it and move on, or move on from the company.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your concern is legitimate, &lt;strong&gt;do not be afraid to point out that they are not helping.&lt;/strong&gt; Let them know what's wrong, and be constructive in providing what you and them can do to achieve your objective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it rude to point the insincerity? &lt;strong&gt;Yes.&lt;/strong&gt; But if it helps you to get what you want, after all polite effort fails, by any means do it. Or not, if you value your relationship with the company more than your goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T06:43:46.637" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3874" CreationDate="2017-09-14T06:49:43.170" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;It isn't rude to read and not reply directly. But from the three examples you gave, I would say it would definitely be considered rude by the other person if they never go a reaction from you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;To the 'you-might-be-interested-in-this-messages', you certainly don't have to reply immediately. Actually, these are probably the messages that you can ignore for the longest times. Just make sure to reply something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I was busy and haven't had the time to look at it. But it sounds interesting, when things calm down, I will take a look. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As for the 'should we have a party plan sometime this week', you should definitely reply within that week. Preferably the same day or the day after that. This person is trying to get you to spent some time with them. Either let them know you can't make it, so they can plan other things for that week, or let them know when you have time to meet them. If they are starting a big conversation, just state: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry. I'm pretty busy right now. I have the time to meet with you on &amp;lt; date/time &gt;, we could talk then. Right now, let's pick a date, time and place, and I'll see you there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As for the 'how is your new project coming along?', this person is trying to express some interest in you. They want to know you're doing alright. You don't have to reply right away. But make sure that after a few days, you sent them a reply. Again, state something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, it's coming along great, but I'm so busy, that I couldn't reply sooner. Sorry!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quote from your question: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;replying to these messages starts long conversations resulting into a wastage of time and basically lead to nothing important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would rather look at these conversations like watering plants: by replying to them, you are watering your friendship with these persons. And if you don't like messaging, you could just give them a call. It's never wrong to say something like 'hey, I've got other things to do right now, but it was fun talking to you for a while', regardless of whether you are sending a message or calling somebody. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I reply to them so that that doesn't result into long chats and waste of my time?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Replying doesn't mean you have to sit on top of your phone for the next half hour, sending hundreds of messages to-and-fro. Instead, write a reply, maybe ask how the other is doing. And go do something else. The next time you pick up your phone, reply to the last message from your friend, and go on with your life again. This is perfectly fine when messaging. If I need to reach you right now, and have your reply right away, I would call you. If not, I would message you, and wait until you have the time to invest a little in our friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;On the assumption that friendships are important, replying to these messages is important as well.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T06:49:43.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3874" CreationDate="2017-09-14T07:03:16.477" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is in my opinion rude, but maybe not for the reasons you could think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have the right to think their texts are pointless, of course. And you have the right to tell them :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm somewhat busy, I can't think about that right now, I'm not interested by this, etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This&lt;/strong&gt; is not rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is rude is not giving them a return. This is an important part of our social relations. In real life discussion, you can tell what the person in front you think about what you said just by looking at their face. This isn't the case here, and by not replying, the sender can't tell if you're angry, bored, busy, or even just satisfied with their message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This can lead to misunderstanding for the sender, and that's the rude point.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to think more about it, think about real life. Would you not react at all if someone told you something in front of you ? That would be incredibly rude. The core of the problem here is the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4534" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T07:03:16.477" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3874" CreationDate="2017-09-14T07:09:08.500" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;My friend&lt;/em&gt; finds this &lt;strong&gt;very rude.&lt;/strong&gt; However, &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;do not.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;It depends on the sender personality.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself when you read the message &quot;What I expect if I were the sender?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sharing stuffs?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Yeah, it's cool.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; A reply may open an opportunity for them to start a long chat, but it's &lt;strong&gt;your responsibility&lt;/strong&gt; to cut the chatter short if you are not interested or busy. Don't forget that they may only &lt;strong&gt;want to keep in touch&lt;/strong&gt; with you. Or they may want to talk with you, but do not know where to start.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you value your friends, think about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Something ended with &quot;?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, that's a question. And question needs answer. Depending on the urgency, you should answer within reasonable timeframe. &lt;strong&gt;Give them a short answer if you are uninterested in further discussion.&lt;/strong&gt; That may be a no, or sure, or okay.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;But in any case, &lt;strong&gt;make it a habit to answer as soon as you read it.&lt;/strong&gt; Even a &quot;I'll think about it&quot; or &quot;Wait&quot; will do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you dislike long discussion, giving &lt;strong&gt;a short reply&lt;/strong&gt; will discourage the other party from engaging in a long conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be interested that Whatsapp has &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.techadvisor.co.uk/how-to/mobile-phone/how-read-whatsapp-message-without-sender-knowing-3634361/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;a setting to turn off read receipt,&lt;/a&gt; with the caveat you will also not be able to know whether your message is read or not. This works on &lt;em&gt;all chats,&lt;/em&gt; and not that single person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T07:09:08.500" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3874" CreationDate="2017-09-14T07:09:33.287" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this depends entirely on your culture (and possibly your age group)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my age group, messages like the ones you describe are not expected to be answered. They are purely a share. In general I would not answer one of those unless I had a specific follow up comment, and likewise, I wouldn't expect an answer if I shared one. It wouldn't be seen as rude at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then I have been online since before there was an Internet, and back in the day responding to anything cost time and money, so you got used to only responding to those things that needed it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T07:09:33.287" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3874" CreationDate="2017-09-14T07:31:16.037" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I fear that my senders might think that I am a rude person or don't care about them or something&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will answer from my point of view. To me, it depends on the topic of the message and the context. For example, I'm asking you to meet tomorrow. I don't mind if you read it and answer later (as long as you answer of course), but if it is an hour before our meetup and I'm asking you where do we meet, I would be angry if I see that you read the message and didn't answer. It depends on the person as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I reply to them so that that doesn't result into long chats and waste of my time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have two options: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give a normal reply, and if you see they want to keep the conversation going, tell them that you are busy at the moment and that you'll talk to them later.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This is what I usually do. I check the message without entering the app from the notification center and if I see that I can't or I don't want to engage on a conversation at the moment, I just leave it for later. I don't enter the conversation to read them, because without the notification there to remind me, I tend to forgot about the message.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as Vylix said in their answer, you can disable the option to let your contacts know that you read their message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5638" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T07:31:16.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3883" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3874" CreationDate="2017-09-14T10:25:26.107" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This highly depends on the context, culture, and the relationship with you. However, &lt;strong&gt;in general it is rude&lt;/strong&gt; not to reply to these messages and I know many people who get mad about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually I'm also such a person (those who ignore frequently) and so I prefer to use WeChat (the equivalent messaging service used in China; it doesn't display if a receiver read the message) to any messaging app, and now many of my friends have changed into Chinese people!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the possible responses is that you first reply to a message, and after a few rallies tell them you are working right now, and imply you could not response any longer now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possible way of handling is extend the time to take to reply longer gradually. The receiver would notice that it is not as comfortable to talk with you as with others right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you should enable a notification and read your message only on the notification bar. Do NOT open the app by tapping the notification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T10:25:26.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3884" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3962" CreationDate="2017-09-14T10:26:05.580" Score="7" ViewCount="1492" Body="&lt;p&gt;My manager at work will frequently ask personal questions that I feel are none of his business as my manager. The questions are of a very personal nature. Asking about my parents, or what I am doing after work. There are three problems with the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is my friend outside of work. He has made it clear that we are&#xA;not friends at work, which I prefer, but then he keeps overstepping.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He will ask me a question, and when I tell him to stay out of it,&#xA;he will keep asking and prying.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;These questions are nothing to do with my capacity as an employee. Some of them are things that I would not even reveal as a friend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not talking about the moral implications of keeping secrets in general. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I want to know is how to communicate to him that he needs to keep out of things that don't concern him without offending him.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4729" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T07:26:27.247" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T12:52:15.020" Title="How to communicate to someone at work that they are overstepping boundaries" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3886" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3680" CreationDate="2017-09-14T10:38:09.913" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is one thing you didn't mention in your question. Whether your son likes this group of people. It's easier to join a coterie if you admire and genuinely like its members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If his main reason for wanting to be included in the &quot;clique&quot; or &quot;gang&quot; is loneliness, he risks appearing desperate and, even worse, sycophantic.   Any attempt to break the barrier will be thwarted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if his main concern is to be part of an efficient and productive team, then it is fundamental he finds out who the leader is. In any typical group, there is always a leader, it's usually the person who has been there the longest and has earned their peers' respect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once your son has identified who that  &quot;leader&quot; is, he can approach this person and ask them for advice. Not advice on how to be accepted, but advice about work, patients, doctors, etc. that sort of thing. Even if your son already knows his job, and exactly how to perform it, he still needs to show respect (and some deference) to his colleagues.  There is always something new to learn. See also &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3721/3114&quot;&gt;@Charlie's&lt;/a&gt; very valid piece of advice &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Instead, the focus of the conversation should be on his coworkers, and how things operate from a social perspective, on his new floor&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With luck,  the &quot;leader&quot; should be able to impart invaluable tips and advice about the floor which your son can put into immediate practice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It takes time before a group accepts a stranger in its midsts but if he is humble, kind and willing to put in the extra hours at work (for a reasonably limited amount of time) it will get easier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tip 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;To help oil the wheels of bonding, he ought to invite colleagues for an evening drink, an aperitif or arrange to meet at the local coffee shop. The first time he should offer to pay, he's the &quot;new guy&quot;, and he did the inviting.  These small social gatherings help people to get to know each other better as they tend to be friendlier when they are relaxed and outside work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tip 2&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Asking if colleagues have spouses and children is always a good conversation opener, and from there you can ask about their kids' ages and if they have any photos of them they would like to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tip 3&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Next time, he should head confidently to the table in the cafeteria where everyone is sitting and ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you mind if I join you? It's just for five minutes, I have this niggling problem with blah, blah, blah. (make it work oriented)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who will be so anti-social as to reject a polite request? By stating it will only be five minutes, he is acknowledging that they may have better use of their free time than to discuss his problem, it is their break too, but he is also saying it will not take up all their break time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tip 4&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Show his co-workers that he works hard and does everything he is expected to, and more. Never be late for work, and forget about asking favours, e.g. “Can you stand in for me next Monday morning? I need to pick up mom at the airport”  However, he must show a willingness to do favors and go that extra mile.  If he does the above and displays common courtesies he will eventually &lt;strong&gt;earn their trust and respect&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T15:01:31.607" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T15:01:31.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3887" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3895" CreationDate="2017-09-14T12:48:22.857" Score="7" ViewCount="1017" Body="&lt;p&gt;A little of background: my fiancé is dealing with depression. She had a very hard time when she was mostly laying in bed, crying and being anxious. Now, thanks to medicine she's taking, psychotherapy, changes in our life routine and our (relatives' and friends') assistance, she's getting well. Most of the time she has energy, mood, and plans, though she needs to be careful not to get too tired and not to forget about medicine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this lying-in-bed-and-crying period, she wasn't moving a lot, not to say about going outside. As a result, she gained some weight. Now, given that she is getting better, she wants to make her body the way she likes it. So we've started some sports together (bouldering, running, and athletics). We go easy on that, we've got plenty of time and we're trying to have joy. We both know that after some weeks of regular suffering, sport starts to give you joy and you become dependent on it (we both have sports background). But now, we need to go through the unpleasant part, when the body tries to stop you from exercising.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We do not track our activity and weight loss as it is suggested in comments. I think it's a good idea and we'll try it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my fiancé explicitly asked me to help motivate her. E.g. when she tells me she exercised today, or when we together go bouldering or running, she would've felt more motivated if I'd make something for her or I don't know what. I'm trying to notice every good moment and even her trials and I always compliment her on this, but I feel that's not enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the question is: &lt;strong&gt;how to motivate or reward a person on exercising?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need something that can be done quick, best of all immediately and many times. If it can be done over the phone/internet (when we both are in our workplace) it would be perfect. Please remember she has depression: that means she can out of sudden get tired, lie on the floor and start crying. That's because she hasn't gained enough power yet. I do realise that rewarding too many times can be diminising the value of reward, so it's better if I could vary different types of reward or motivation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5722" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T14:47:22.010" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T23:39:32.377" Title="How to help a person with motivation/rewarding" Tags="&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;depression&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3887" CreationDate="2017-09-14T13:28:39.093" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Why not create a coupon booklet?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bare with me, but you could create a coupon booklet (hand drawn) for nice things you'd like to do for your partner as a reward for exercising, consisting of various rewards you can cut out and give to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, let's say as an example she exercises four times a week or goes up a colour in bouldering, or loses &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; target weight, she earns credits towards whatever items in the coupon book you do, she can cash them in or store them for a bigger reward (the size is up to you). Could be anything from home-cooked dinner, a night at the cinema, a foot massage etc.. Whatever it is, you know she likes and you feel comfortable giving it out, do it. This will not only motivate her towards goals in exercising, it'll motivate her towards a romantic gesture from you. Also, the credits can be given over the phone/the internet and the rewards can be done, when you're both free. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what I used to do with my ex-girlfriend, she suffered from bipolar disorder and it was hard for her to get out of the house some days. So, I used to motivate her by offering things I knew she liked, in exchange for things she didn't like to do (i.e. leaving the house). It makes this easier for you to bring the idea to her and see if she likes it because she asked you to motivate her and go from there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T13:28:39.093" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3832" CreationDate="2017-09-14T13:42:31.377" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Within the &lt;em&gt;very specific&lt;/em&gt; context of a poker table, talking privately with the dealer can be misinterpreted, as you are being recorded at all times by security cameras, and it may be taken as some sort of collusion/cheating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such a context, your best bet is to leave the table and mention the issue to a pit boss, who can then decide how they want to address the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T13:42:31.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3874" CreationDate="2017-09-14T13:47:12.490" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;About the replying, I think it depends of the matter of the subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I usually make it a point to reply to the important ones&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they know that, they should understand not all messages will be answered in the time you recieve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find the message &lt;em&gt;(not interested, for example)&lt;/em&gt;, the (two tick marks) should be enough for the sender. If he/she insist sending you more messages or emojies or whatever, proceed as you consider &lt;em&gt;(for example, reply when you have time)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I remember correctly &lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;, WhatsApp has a status option which you can text and set the color of your status.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, as alternative, if you don't want reply the messages, you can set your status &lt;em&gt;(color and text)&lt;/em&gt; indicating that you're only reading messages and you're busy for reply them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that some people read those statuses and proceed accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; I stop using WhatsApp more than a year ago, so maybe the newer versions of WhatsApp has more features regarding status.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="50" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T13:47:12.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3893" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-14T14:13:57.803" Score="-2" ViewCount="1832" Body="&lt;p&gt;I regularly get very boring links from my colleague/friend. I do not know how to react to this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Should I reply? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What should I say when I do reply? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is it considered rude to just ignore and move on?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5731" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T14:27:09.160" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T16:57:00.600" Title="What should I reply when someone sends me an extremely boring link?" Tags="&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;instant-messaging&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2017-09-14T15:55:20.860" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3887" CreationDate="2017-09-14T14:24:53.127" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently faced depression (the last six months) and as your fiancée, I aimed to heal through sports and good nutrition. Just like her, I really appreciated when my boyfriend encouraged me. The &quot;rewards&quot; and congrats that could work with her entirely depend on &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;which love language(s) she's receptive to&lt;/a&gt;, but here are a few things that worked with my boyfriend and I:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Little post-its, mails saying &quot;You've done great&quot;, &quot;You're beautiful&quot;, &quot;You're getting stronger and stronger!&quot;, ... &lt;strong&gt;She can keep it and re-read them when she's feeling low&lt;/strong&gt;, which is great.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cuddling&lt;/strong&gt;. If she's receptive to physical touch, it could make her feel so good. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I know it could sound silly, but &lt;strong&gt;writing her a set of letters&lt;/strong&gt; like &quot;here are the reasons why I love you&quot;, &quot;open when you feel sad&quot;, with little jokes in it, pictures of you two, a playlist of your favorite songs, could bring her smile too. I really love writing and receiving these letters. They help me going through hard times.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not necessarily related to her physical activity and the progress she makes, but IMO it still reminds her that you're here for her and that she has your full support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now as you stated, once you overcame the pain faced when beginning (again) a physical activity, things are immediately easier and the mind gets in peace soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope she'll get better soon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T14:24:53.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3893" CreationDate="2017-09-14T14:30:39.807" Score="0" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Replying would be the nice thing to do. But as long as it is just a link, without any text with it I think ignoring it might be fine as well.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reply with the -_- smilie. Works every time!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Probably not, unless it's like &quot;hey, look at this link: ..., what do you think of it&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2848" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T14:30:39.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3887" CreationDate="2017-09-14T14:30:41.373" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You know this already but I feel like emphasizing that &lt;strong&gt;this is a journey you are embarking on together&lt;/strong&gt;. Her loosing weight is going to be a team effort whether your goal is to lose some weight with her or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've always had conflicted views on rewarding &quot;good&quot; behaviors and this is because people tend to rely on external sources or others to do what they need to do for themselves. &#xA;An ex-boyfriend of mine, would always get paid from his parents for helping them even about minor things and as a result he never offered to help them on his own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, seeing results should help her feel self-motivated. The results-losing weight-feeling better about herself-are the reward. But because your fiancée is still depressed and not strong enough, rewarding and motivating her in the beginning and not constantly (and without pressuring her), might help her get strong enough to do it for herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do in addition to Bradley's coupon booklet (I wish I had one just cause it's awesome) is to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Discuss her goals. How much weight would she want to lose in a week, month and what the best exercise routine is. How many days, what time during the day and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Keep an exercise log. Fill it out together or take turns filling it out for each other and discussing the results. This is what my fitness professor in university had us do. It helped me track my progress, and having to fill it out gave me a sense of self-discipline.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make a scrapbook about it. Add pictures of you exercising together, pictures of your bodies, words of encouragement, put stickers on...Get creative together. Make it fun. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your support and encouragement is vital and it sounds like you will be exercising together which is really helpful. Always ask for her contribution and additional ideas.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T14:30:41.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3893" CreationDate="2017-09-14T14:30:43.567" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The person sending this is probably not expecting you find it boring and is most likely just doing it as a nice gesture of small talk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be rude not to reply at all, if your friend is over at your house and starts talking about a subject you don't like, you don't simply ignore them or walk away either, do you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to show them you have no interest in this, reply with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the link! 'X' is not really my thing though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you want to return the small talk gesture:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the link; however, I'm not really interested in X. I enjoy Y more, what do you think of Y?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T16:57:00.600" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T16:57:00.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3899" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3904" CreationDate="2017-09-14T14:52:28.333" Score="-2" ViewCount="5767" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's say I know someone quite well but have never met their other half. I know he is a regular cheater in their relationship of 6 years but as far as I know, she has no idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I inform her on what he is doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who has been cheated on before, I would have really wished someone told me about it. It would have saved me from a lot of pain. I wonder if more people feel like this and if I should tell her or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T16:47:10.223" Title="Should you inform someone their partner is cheating on them?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-09-14T15:45:45.047" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3900" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3874" CreationDate="2017-09-14T14:53:26.997" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to work in retail, and here is the rule I use:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prioritize the people in front of me over the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Customers get upset that I took so long to answer their phone call, but then I tell them I have live customers standing here, and I prioritize those that are in the store.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In real life, I prioritize the people in front of me over the people that are not.  I think it is extremely rude when you pull out your phone in the middle of a conversation to look at your social media.  I made the effort to come out here, but you're so distracted by the electronic noise and prioritize (yes, you DID just prioritize it over me) someone far away over me, who is actually in your presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that attitude, I do not presume people to be on standby to answer my messages.  If they do not answer, that's fine, I'll see them eventually and catch up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the people who gets sensitive over this area may be suffering from lack of people connection, so these unresponded messages are offensive, because they have no alternative, deeper connections with people.  That's just a theory because I don't get offended, and I just want to know why people do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="451" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T14:53:26.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3899" CreationDate="2017-09-14T15:27:38.003" Score="-4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Wow that sucks.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest getting in touch and asking her if she want's to hear what you have to say.  Say something like, &quot;I have some painful information about your husband that I thought you would like to know.  Should I tell you or would you rather I mind my own business?&quot;  she will almost certainly say that she want's to know.  We humans seem to always prefer to know more rather than less.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving her the option to hear it will actually prepare her to handle the bad news better than if it is just dumped on her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you have some sort of proof it make it easier for her to accept.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T15:27:38.003" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3899" CreationDate="2017-09-14T15:29:52.043" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should you inform someone their partner is cheating on them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No, never.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do tell the cheater's spouse, you might be responsible for shattering her universe, and she will never thank you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In brief.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not know anything about her.  You have never met her.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Do not meddle in other people's lives.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;It is none of your business.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;References&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/community-features/ask-an-expert/questions-by-topic/infidelity/484-should-i-expose-someone-who-is-cheating.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Should I expose someone who is cheating?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you decide to expose your &lt;strong&gt;sister’s husband&lt;/strong&gt;, are you ready to deal with the consequences? Typically, the only thing worse than a cheating spouse is someone who exposes a cheating spouse. Infidelity and affairs are very common (see &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;stats&lt;/a&gt; about infidelity). And it is almost impossible to have an affair without someone knowing about it. But, most people keep quiet about it. &lt;strong&gt;When it comes to infidelity, most people believe that the best course of action is to “mind your own business.” And if you cross that line, rather than being seeing as a hero of the truth, you might be seen as a troublemaker&lt;/strong&gt; (even by your own sister).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/should-you-tell-on-a-cheater-i-wish-someone-had-told-me&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Should You Tell On A Cheater? I Wish Someone Had Told Me&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There is an etiquette in these situations that I recommend. &lt;strong&gt;If you know the person being cheated on well enough, you should tell them in person,&lt;/strong&gt; providing the details you know. Keep reminding them you are only telling them the truth because you honestly care and respect them; as sorry as you feel having to tell them, you would feel extremely sorry if their future was compromised by allowing the deception to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the article continues...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In situations where you don't personally know the person, but have strong, first-hand knowledge, I encourage you to drop them a note,&lt;/strong&gt; give them the details you do know. Tell them that you hope the information might explain suspicions they may already have and assure them that your only agenda is being honest. If they choose to ignore the information, at least you've done your due diligence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T16:47:10.223" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T16:47:10.223" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3905" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3915" CreationDate="2017-09-14T15:54:28.197" Score="11" ViewCount="1075" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most public restrooms for men in the US have a row of urinals separated by a small wall shingle bolted to the wall. These are usually around shoulder height on me, so do not block vision sideways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While at the movies last night, the man that came up to the urinal next to me was rather insistent about trying to strike up a conversation about the movie that he had just seen. At first I just ignored him, and when he persisted, I told him (Somewhat abruptly I admit) that I was not interested in a conversation. I believe my words were along the lines of &quot;Look, I just don't want to talk to you right now&quot;, which got a rather snippy reaction from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you handle a stranger that wants to talk to you in a public restroom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T16:19:02.213" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T18:00:49.370" Title="How do you deal with someone that wants to converse in a public bathroom?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3906" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-14T16:05:08.690" Score="33" ViewCount="9313" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner and I both work from home, and we each have varying degrees of work each day, but at the moment I am working more hours on average. Usually we decide together what we'll eat, we'll make a salad together or pancakes for breakfast and we usually are very good at sharing home tasks. He's great at doing things like that. Some meals I'll cook on my own just because he doesn't like cooking and I enjoy it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some days, there's a problem. Perhaps I'll need to work 8-10 hours because I have a lot of client work. And so I'll say to him that I'm very busy and I won't have time to cook. And then he says he can't cook either because he also has work to do. Except he only works two hours that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I see this often. He'll say he can't do something because he has &lt;em&gt;other minor thing&lt;/em&gt; to do which in his head is allocated to the whole day, but for me it's like two hours to do, tops.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think he's purposefully trying to find an excuse, it just seems like for him things just take really long. He doesn't do it and then be done, he'll take his time and go slow and watch YouTube and get distracted and drink coffee and play PC games. So in the time I've done 8 hours of work, he's done two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And sometimes its frustrating to see him be so inefficient when I'm really struggling to fit everything into my day. I've spoken to him about it, and said I'm really having difficulty managing, and he says &quot;me too!&quot; As if it's the same for him, but he does so much less work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this up to now has been mostly OK. I get my down time too and he's wonderful and loving and I don't mind too much, sometimes I get distracted too. But I'm getting a bit worried, because I'm pregnant now and I know that next year I'm not going to be able to work, and if he's only working two hours a day then that's not going to be enough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that if I get all resentful its going to come out in my attitude and I really don't want that. I don't want to be resentful. I want to lovingly show him that things can be done faster, and that it helps both of us if he doesn't spend large chunks of his day playing PC games and watching YouTube. How do I encourage him to be more productive in his day and not be so distracted, so we both can get more done?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2929" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T15:07:40.877" Title="How do I encourage my partner to use his time more efficiently?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3905" CreationDate="2017-09-14T16:05:24.020" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually nod or &quot;hmm&quot; for a few times and go on my way. This is not just for bathrooms, I do this in such awkward situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, I'd avoid giving them much attention, and they'll probably read from my responses (or lack thereof) that they should stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying out loud like you did, I wouldn't do, unless it was some serious matter. This is probably nothing serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The movie, I think, must've been to his liking very much, and he probably couldn't stop himself from talking about it to someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T16:12:21.893" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T16:12:21.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3639" CreationDate="2017-09-14T16:30:56.713" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell him that you don't want to appear on photos. He has to respect your privacy. And as your friend he has to respect your wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can only imagine how close he/she is to you as a friend. So if your friend continues after that then your only option is to be a little rude to him. A good &quot;stop being a jerk&quot; should be enough for him to notice you that taking those photos is making you uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now all this depends on closeness to your friend. Other option is to open yourself on why its uncomfortable to you to be on photos. Often an good honest reason is all that a friend needs to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T16:30:56.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3906" CreationDate="2017-09-14T16:39:17.967" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The short of it, you don't.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until you significant other sees the need to change nothing will happen. And currently there apparently there is no need - for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How to break the pattern without getting frustrated? &lt;strong&gt;How to get through?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do the math. He is unlikely to realise the cost that is coming with a child. Put it on paper. (Not to scare you the total comes to around &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/insurance/cost-of-raising-a-child/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;$260.000&lt;/a&gt; or so &lt;em&gt;per kid&lt;/em&gt;, but it luckily is spread out over some 20 years.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then demonstrate the math. It is sadly not just the money. It is the money, the broken nights, and sharing your life with a brand new human being that needs your attention with - yes, EVERYTHING from the littlest burp to whatever comes out at the other end, 24-7. So, demonstrate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Drop out and see he does the groceries, the bills, the cleaning, the everything. (Oh yes, there was that day job as well?) Hopefully you'll need only a few days before the quarter drops.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using one of that baby-doll training programs may be a good guideline to use. Or just go to your mother for a few days and bombard the poor fellow with needful phone calls. Maybe role-play the birth and first days after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Research beforehand! Make it a genuine production with adequate production values, and make sure that for those few days he cannot count on you, that you being very needy will count on HIM. Note that the first weeks after giving birth you are forbidden to use the vacuum. Forbidden absolutely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Once that quarter drops, talk. He really needs to take up the challenge. &lt;strong&gt;Good luck!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T21:34:30.723" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T21:34:30.723" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3863" CreationDate="2017-09-14T16:51:00.883" Score="-2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It isnt a tricky name, and the mispronunciation is obvious (soft 'o' instead of an 'a'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's obvious for one person isn't necessarily obvious to another. Martin Bashir consistently referred to the previous president of the United States as Bearack Obamer. Many Asian people can't tell the difference between &quot;ride&quot; and &quot;lied&quot;. There may be dialect issues here. If &quot;rock&quot; is pronounced like &quot;rack&quot; in someone's native dialect, they may find it difficult to not pronounce &quot;Brock&quot; as &quot;Brack&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But I don't often interact with him individually and I don't want to bring it up when he's introducing me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See whether you can arrange it so you're introducing yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T16:51:00.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-14T16:56:22.183" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I almost never send messages I'm embarrassed about. EXCEPT... when I'm under great distress, like after a breakup, during a disagreement, or a stressful project or event. I revert immediately to my old ways, feel out of control, and afterward feel childish and confused. Such messages also tax my friends or significant other, often worsen or complicate the situation, and make further communication burdensome or simply undesired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forgiveness for how you are - without any changes - is the key.  The feelings, emotions and behaviors which you are trying to avoid or correct are all innocent.  Attempts to gain &quot;control&quot; will backfire because you'll ultimately resent yourself for trying to improve yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forgiveness can be demanding.  It requires facing yourself as you are.  Reach out to others when you need to.  But let yourself be upset when you're upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5743" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T16:56:22.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3905" CreationDate="2017-09-14T17:13:32.873" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Look, I just don't want to talk to you right now&quot;, which got a rather snippy reaction from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is that a surprise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do you deal with someone that wants to converse in a public bathroom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Women don't often have this problem while urinating, but (believe it or not), conversations happen all the time at the sinks. I kinda like it. A short and (usually) sweet, polite interaction. But I would feel awkward if it started while I was in the stall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If tact is your aim, be tactful. Start with &quot;I'm sorry...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I understand you want to talk about the movie, but I find talking while I (whatever term guys use) uncomfortable. Sorry.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I'm sorry, I wish I could talk about it, but I can't right now. Sorry.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I'm sorry, my mind is somewhere else, and I can't talk right now, sorry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I doubled the &quot;sorry&quot; is because the guy was obviously enthusiastic about talking. The second sorry is softening the blow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If tact isn't important, then what you did was just fine, It achieved your objective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want them to even &lt;em&gt;start&lt;/em&gt;, I can't think of anything you can do to control what others say or do, unless you just hightail it out of the bathroom as soon as someone else comes in. Or, give them the weirdest, creepiest smile as they walk in, and look straight ahead, but keep the weird smile frozen on your face. I can pretty much guarantee they will not try to &lt;em&gt;converse&lt;/em&gt; with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T17:13:32.873" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3913" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3919" CreationDate="2017-09-14T17:17:01.857" Score="8" ViewCount="2644" Body="&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend's brother-in-law (Bob) visits my boyfriend from time to time. Because he owns a bakery he always brings us a bag full of goodies. The bag almost always includes the following :a traditional sweet bread that I'm afraid I don't like at all,  a very generic chocolate cake, and either cookies or a second kind of cake. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't take it the wrong way, I do think this is a really kind gesture and I shouldn't be complaining but I don't really want to eat them. I am trying to limit eating sweets, I still eat chocolate from time to time, but when I ask my boyfriend if he will eat the bread and cake, the answer is &quot;I don't know&quot; or &quot;Perhaps&quot;. I'm really tired of decorating my table with cakes and breads in wrappers or basically being the one throwing them away because they have gone stale. And then the conversation is pretty much the same every time: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me (baked stuff in my hands): &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey babe, I'm throwing these away, they've gone stale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boyfriend : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I guess, yeah...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to hurt Bob's feelings and I don't want to sound rude so how can I politely tell Bob that while I appreciate the gesture, I avoid foods that contain sugar? He's always so happy to bring us the same stuff over and over again, and I hate to ruin the mood. &#xA;Alternatively, is it weird to ask for something else from the bakery that doesn't contain sugar instead, and how? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have tried so far:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have told Bob that he &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; doesn't need to bring anything&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have hinted in the past that I bake my own bread and I avoid refined carbohydrates but I guess Bob doesn't get the message. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have asked my boyfriend if I can throw them away or donate them, but the response is usually, &quot;Leave them. I might have some at some point&quot; (and that point usually comes when I unwrap them and have some first, which isn't good for me). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have asked a couple of relatives if they want any and they don't. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T19:27:56.650" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T01:45:41.783" Title="How can I tell a friend to bring something I actually enjoy eating if they will bring something anyway?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3905" CreationDate="2017-09-14T17:41:41.123" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wasn't in that exact situation you describe yet, but had strangers trying to start a conversation with me (e. g. public transport). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The approach I describe is somwhat between NVZ's (short) and anongoodnurse's (polite) approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, I will let any attempts at conversations that I don't want to hold, die down politely. I imagine, that you (two) won't spend too much at the urinal, so I wouldn't even say a whole sentence. Rather&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then nothing else, or just&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Smile at him&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you don't engage in a discussion, finish your business and leave. It may not totally thwart attempts to keep it going, but &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don't need to say much&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you avoid an even more awkward situation with a stranger being angry at you and snipy reactions or worse (at least I would feel that way)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't cause much stress to you, unlike, for example, a longer train ride with a chatty stranger, which might warrant a clearer message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T17:41:41.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3913" CreationDate="2017-09-14T18:57:08.513" Score="18" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am trying to limit eating sweets&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Switch frame to appear to be the embarrassed one (instead of embarrassing him):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I really appreciate the cakes, but you know I'm trying to lose weight and... y'know, cookies and cake...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts him in the helper role: you want to limit sweets, and he should want to help you with that. The fact you don't like his cakes is conveniently swept under the rug because you have a legit reason. If he gets it, he'll ask what you want. You can also suggest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your BF's aversion to making choices is another issue...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T18:57:08.513" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3906" CreationDate="2017-09-14T19:01:14.673" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might try talking about it, but (my personal opinion based on experience) I don't think talk will help. Most people that goof off are doing it because they can; they aren't that greedy for the money: As long as the bills are getting paid, the cable and Internet are working, there is food to eat --- they are good. It doesn't matter to them exactly who pays, if it is a parent or spouse, that's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same thing goes for housework, laundry, doing the dishes. If it just happens, they don't care, and on top of it they don't really appreciate it either! They just &lt;strong&gt;don't think about it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO the only thing that works is you taking unilateral action, to do only what you feel is necessary to prevent disaster. Stop cooking, you don't have time for it, ever. Stop working so much: Do enough to pay the bills and stop; you have no income for fun. Stop doing chores, if he doesn't do his share, do your laundry for one, or cook for one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the complaints start coming, tell him (calmly) we have a baby coming, and this is the way our life is going to be. I cannot be doing everything to keep house and home together, take care of the baby and earn 80% of the money too. I'm not going to start a big drama and tell you what to do, but when I'm spending 8 hours a day taking care of a baby, I can't earn money for more than 4 or 5, and I can't do all the housework and shopping and laundry and everything else. So I am figuring out now how to budget my time and our money. I am not going to just wait and see how it all works out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T19:01:14.673" CommentCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-14T19:39:19.163" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In short, my guess is that you have an OCD.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am OCD about a number of things, one of them being how to express myself in the written word. I feel an extreme impulse to ensure that what I am trying to say is stated in the most detailed manner. Sometimes in order to state my thought in the appropriate detail so that I am sure there is no miscommunication, I write an extreme amount. This of course in a text can be annoying at best, so I refrain and seek other methods of communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have found a way to minimize it under typical situations, however in times of stress your mind runs back to what feels comfortable even though deep down you know its not what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not qualified to tell you how to mitigate your OCD under stress, and again, its only a guess that you have a form of OCD, but there are qualified people who can determine if you do, and if you do they are qualified to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5750" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T19:39:19.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3906" CreationDate="2017-09-14T20:05:31.610" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I struggle a bit with this - not nearly to the scale that your partner seems to, but I find it highly frustrating to drop whatever I'm doing (even if it's totally unimportant) to do something else. It's a personality flaw, I know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For minor tasks, my suggestion is that you try to get him to commit to doing something after he's finished a minor task. For example, if you look over and he's in the middle of a video, ask&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you start dinner after you finish that video? I still have a couple hours of work to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if he says that he's busy as well, try to get a handle on what he's working on and find a good &quot;stopping point.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4077" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T20:05:31.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3906" CreationDate="2017-09-14T20:09:05.890" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This might sound drastic or counterproductive, but having been in similar situations I would suggest that one or both of you look at getting into a non-home office, or cowork space. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The intermingling of work &amp;amp; home life is a big negative that is easily overlooked to home office work, and with both partners (+ infant!) working from home at the same time this situation is unlikely to improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to improve your partner's time management is unlikely to be greeted as constructive behaviour by your partner, and given that there is a baby on the way it might become even more difficult for him to stay focused. A separate work space can actually have the effect of increasing engagement by limiting distraction somewhat, so this actually may be a sneaky way for you to achieve your goal without creating a confrontation over it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5752" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T20:09:05.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3913" CreationDate="2017-09-14T20:23:36.160" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the last three years of high school I was on my own. Paid my own rent, bought my own food, attended high school full time and worked as a dishwasher and janitor at a restaurant every night. I rode a bicycle to and from work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The restaurant owner knew my situation, and pretty much provided all my calories. Including letting me take home food. The only catch --- He let me take all I wanted &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; of what people did not buy and he would throw away. I am grateful, and I understood, and I did not break the rules. I've known many people since then that would not have been even that kind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would pack up my Tupperware with the best of leftovers and bike to my rented room with five pounds of food for my 1000 year old round-corner fridge. I ate that for breakfast, lunch dinner and on my days off. The only thing I bought was candy. I didn't even buy school lunches. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Bob may be doing the same thing.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; Like a restaurant, much of what a bakery provides is prepared on speculation, and would have to be thrown away if it doesn't sell. People don't call ahead to get you to bake two chocolate chip cookies. That generic chocolate cake may be one of a dozen he baked, and the last one not sold. Bob may be thinking he can throw this stuff away, or because he knows some people like it, give it away for free to his friends: and you two are on the list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know that is the situation; but it makes sense to me. So to me, asking Bob to bring you something for free that he could have sold instead is both rude and unappreciative of the effort he made to save it and deliver it to you. Let your boyfriend eat what Bob brings, and toss it when it gets stale. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T20:23:36.160" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3906" CreationDate="2017-09-14T20:35:04.637" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are really quite a few  possibilities here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may legitimately be underestimating the work you do, and feels like he is being asked to do more than his fair share. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may be legitimately underestimating the work he does.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He could be multitasking more efficiently than you observe. Perhaps he's just listening to the youtube channel etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He could be overestimating how well he multitasks or manages his time relative to others.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may be unable to admit that he is suffering from cognitive or emotional disorder, that is making time management much more difficult. He may have Attention Deficit Disorder, which would make the level of focus he requires to work for hours exhausting. His capacity to handle stress may be reduced by something like depression, leading him to avoidance/procrastination behavior. There are a lot of possibilities here that he may not be able to open up about or even recognize yet. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may be saying he works today, when he's really miscommunicating that he feels he needs a day off (or mostly off). Why that could be just opens a lot more similar questions to the ones above, but it's worth considering.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to discuss things to get answers, and you might benefit from couples' counseling. Here's one tip I can offer. Since it seems like he might be the type to need some unwinding and emotional bracing to deal with stressful situations, tell him you need to have a discussion about how fairly work and chores are being handled, but that you don't want to ambush him now with a difficult subject. Try to schedule a day and time in advance to deal with a deep dive into the issue.  He'll be better prepared to take it seriously, and less likely to get upset, defensive, or impatient. You can also make a rule that both of you will try to constrain the discussion to this one issue and it's causes and effects. You can schedule another talk to work out another issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, try not to enter the conversation with the preconceived notion that he is in the wrong. Even if you're quite certain that he is in the wrong, both parties need to enter a discussion with an open mind or the other party will get defensive and lose the ability to remain open minded themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4814" LastEditorUserId="4814" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T20:42:04.350" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T20:42:04.350" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3906" CreationDate="2017-09-14T21:16:28.327" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You wrote about work, however, I presume there will be other things -- like cooking -- that you would need him to increase his share of doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been in what seems a similar situation in what seems approximately the state of your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is that you two take time for an extended conversation about what is happening, what will happen and what is needed to do by either of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume it is the first baby for both of you, so both of you -- but him especially, might be in for a shock, since it is will 99,9% change your mode of living drastically. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You sound as if you are realizing much more what it will mean than he is (which is mostly the case historically, I'd say).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two basic things to make as clear as possible:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) The way of living you two had, will be gone with the baby. For both of you. Gone for good, or at least until approximately when the kid starts going to the school (yes, preschoolers who go to kindergarten still frequently don't let their parents have their sleep at night).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is to be your partner and is thinking seriously about being father, rather than a college roommate style boyfriend, he will have to take up certain extra responsibilities, some of which will start even before the child is born.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the responsibilities is earning enough money for you THREE to survive the time while you will not be working and after that for some time probably working less than before. Not only you will be busy and tired with the baby, but there will be an extra person in the house, who will have his needs, which will cost money to fulfill, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not concentrate on him spending time in Youtube, rather than just on whether he can raise his earning power. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he can do it while still goofing around, more kudos to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You together with him would write down how much money each of you is earning, how much you are spending, how much extra will be needed when the baby arrives (nappies alone can add up to substantial amounts per month) and the amount your household income goes down when you can't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which will together show how much more he needs to earn in order to support himself and his family -- namely you and the baby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) However, as I said, merely earning more is just one step. I expect that you might reasonably expect him also to pick up house workload.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, if he is not only working less, but also doing only a limited amount of household tasks, I would advise you to think of the total sum of things that you think need to be done  regularly -- you listed cooking, but there are others and discuss with him, whether he is ready to take on those, which you need him to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my mind, it should go sort of all together with earning discussion, because these are all extra responsibilities that he will need to adapt to, and he might feel resentment, if there keep cropping up more and more things &quot;nobody told him about&quot;, but which he suddenly needs to start doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realize that some of the things you might have been doing, and which he doesn't do or doesn't do without reminding, might seem quite unnecessary to him. Many men, myself included, are partly oblivious to what we eat, whether the floor is spotless and if the bathroom sink is white or not really. There are exceptions, but by and large in my experience we really don't care much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, there might be things that you think need to be done regularly, but he doesn't. You'll need to somehow come to agreement on this. Again, in my experience, it has worked best, if we can meet somewhere halfway and agree. If that agreement is there, it is much easier to divide tasks, because then part of those taks won't feel to him like to be done simply to oblige you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might come as big shock, but if he is going to remain your partner, he needs to &quot;put his easy days down&quot; same as you are doing both with your job and baby, and to understand that the era of pattering around slowly and half-awake has ended, just like teenage years and college does. Welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking with him and helping him realize all the things he has to start doing (and will have to keep on doing for years) is the primary thing, but concentrate more on the goals to be achieved rather than behaviour to be stopped (ie. &quot;need to earn more&quot; rather than &quot;stop watching youtube&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. Also, I would form those things more as questions in terms of household, for him to answer: &quot;If our income drops to $xxx while I can't work, and we have estimated expenses at $yyy, plus there will be expenses due to baby, how can we [together] survive this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3108" LastEditorUserId="3108" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T21:24:08.327" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T21:24:08.327" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3932" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3936" CreationDate="2017-09-14T21:16:34.327" Score="11" ViewCount="1486" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the past, I've waited for over an hour, and I spent most of the meal feeling irritated at my friend. I feel I would have been able to enjoy their company more if I had just ordered. I also felt awkward taking up a table at the restaurant for such a long time without ordering anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time I met up with a different friend, I waited for 30 minutes, then just ordered. When they arrived and saw me with food, they seemed surprised and said, &quot;Oh, you've ordered already.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The meal is just between the two of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question has a few different situations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the person is running late and has messaged you with an ETA, but that time has passed&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the person is late, but hasn't contacted you at all&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;someone who has a habit of being late vs someone who is usually punctual&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it acceptable to order if someone is running late, and if so, how long is a reasonable time to wait?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I've split the group version of this question into its own question: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3933/is-it-acceptable-to-order-foor-at-a-restaurant-if-a-group-of-people-is-waiting-f&quot;&gt;Is it acceptable to order foor at a restaurant if a group of people is waiting for someone who is late?&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastEditorUserId="109" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T21:56:23.327" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T14:10:45.163" Title="Is it acceptable to order food at a restaurant if the person you are meeting is late?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3933" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3935" CreationDate="2017-09-14T21:55:18.003" Score="22" ViewCount="10928" Body="&lt;p&gt;When at a restaurant with a group of friends (3 or more), and one person is running late, what is the etiquette around ordering before everyone has arrived?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering that with an especially large group (6+), we will be taking up a fairly large table at the restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past, we've had some friends get upset that we are nearly done eating by the time their food has arrived, as they feel pressured to finish eating quickly. And they can't talk much during the meal because they have their mouth full for most of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(The 1-on-1 version of this question is here: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3932/is-it-acceptable-to-order-food-at-a-restaurant-if-the-person-you-are-meeting-is&quot;&gt;Is it acceptable to order food at a restaurant if the person you are meeting is late?&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-12T16:47:49.967" LastActivityDate="2019-03-13T11:35:53.170" Title="What is the etiquette regarding ordering food at a restaurant if someone is late?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3913" CreationDate="2017-09-14T22:13:36.610" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend like that.  She loves to cook and she's good at it.  Our tastes aren't always aligned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What has worked for me is positive reinforcement.  I especially praise the stuff I like (and would welcome more of).  I let her know that we devoured the apple cake, that the peanut-butter cookies didn't survive to the weekend... and I just don't mention the pecan cookies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gifts are under the control of the giver and in many cultures it's rude to make requests (&quot;hey, could we get more of that carrot cake?&quot;).  However, people like to know that their gifts bring pleasure.  If my friend knows that I really like carrot cake, then maybe next time she's making them she'll make one for me, and that will consume a gift &quot;slot&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend against showing your enthusiasm by asking for recipes, though.  I did that once and it was a long time before I got any more rum balls, because she assumed I was making my own now and she wanted to give me something different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T22:13:36.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3933" CreationDate="2017-09-14T22:30:07.427" Score="58" Body="&lt;p&gt;Exact time is somewhat dependant on situation, but if everyone is there and one person is 20+ minutes late, you should just order. If you want to be nice about it you can call them and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We are ordering now, do you know what you want? We could order for you as well&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That lets them know what you're up to so that it isn't an unpleasant surprise, and it could save time as their food would be already waiting for them when they arrive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="2002" LastEditDate="2017-09-14T22:57:08.550" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T22:57:08.550" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3932" CreationDate="2017-09-14T22:55:12.963" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;In one on one meeting there is a much greater expectation to share a meal, so I'd hold off on ordering. If you are ferociously hungry you can get an appetiser to hold you over. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if someone was more then an hour late for a meeting I'd be tempted to just go home instead. Being late a group meeting is more acceptable since people there are not bored, but for one on one meeting this degree of lateness is a bit much&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T22:55:12.963" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-14T23:00:09.300" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tend to be verbose as well, but perhaps not to your extent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is because I think deeply about things, so in my explanations I try to address every possible facet or argument or detail of what is being discussed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't necessarily a bad thing, in terms of thought process, but it's usually a terrible way to communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to have focused on merely writing less, as a response to the negative reaction you get from long text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, terseness is best a &lt;em&gt;consequence&lt;/em&gt; of conveying the most important information. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What worked for me&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, the thing that best drove this home was learning about copywriting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a copywriter, I'm not very good at it, and it doesn't come naturally to me. But I was helping someone with their small business web site and in the process I read a series of eBooks about copywriting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The lessons I learned changed all of my communication. I'm still not good at copywriting, but my general communication has improved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3072" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T23:00:09.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3938" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3941" CreationDate="2017-09-14T23:34:27.690" Score="27" ViewCount="5626" Body="&lt;p&gt;I messed up. Hiring good programmers is a &lt;a href=&quot;https://softwareengineering.stackexchange.com/q/33816&quot;&gt;hard problem&lt;/a&gt;, and I failed. A few weeks have passed since the new replacement for the junior developer position started, and it is becoming increasingly obvious to me and the other developers that he falls into the &lt;a href=&quot;https://softwareengineering.stackexchange.com/q/163631&quot;&gt;&quot;not everyone can be a programmer&quot; category&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not lack of experience - we don't expect a lot of experience for a junior position. But we require programming &lt;em&gt;talent&lt;/em&gt;: The ability to quickly grasp and understand abstract concepts, advanced analytical thinking, things like that. I don't know what it is exactly (I'm a developer/manager, not a psychologist), but I think I've learned to recognize it in people after working with them for some time. (Now I just need to work on recognizing it faster -- ideally before hiring them -- but that's another problem.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I honestly tell him why I have to let him go, I&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Criticize him for something that he (probably) cannot change and &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Basically tell him that I don't believe he will be a good programmer, even if we continue to train him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For someone who enjoys programming, this must be devastating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What and how do I tell him? He's a nice guy, hard-working, willing to learn, helpful, etc., and I do feel that I owe him an explanation when terminating his employment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5761" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T18:55:15.033" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T18:55:15.033" Title="How do I tell someone that I need to fire him for lack of talent?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="14" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3939" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3887" CreationDate="2017-09-14T23:39:32.377" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suffer from clinical depression myself.  Years ago, I read the book &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/1501123882&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;A Noonday Demon,&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; which is about depression in general and the author's experience own experience with it. As described in &lt;a href=&quot;https://exploringyourmind.com/depression-is-a-demon/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt;, the author, Andrew Solomon, believes: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the most representative traits of depression are the inability to love and a lack of energy or motivation. For example, not being able to act, a lack of appetite, and diminished enthusiasm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Identifying &quot;lack of motivation&quot; as one of the defining characteristics of depression really resonated with me. That was exactly how I experienced my illness--I knew I should get up and shower, but what was the point, and it would have required so much energy that I just didn't have to spare. And the knowledge that I would feel better afterwards didn't make a darn bit of difference.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sharing this information because, in your girlfriend's place, the most valuable reward I could have received was to have someone acknowledge that motivation is a major challenge, and acknowledge/praise me for pushing through this difficulty anyway.  Tell her how proud you are of her for getting to the gym, going for a swim, etc. I would bet that demonstrating your understanding of her success at overcoming the motivational challenges will feel much more rewarding to her than seems possible to someone who hasn't suffered from major depression.     &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4838" LastActivityDate="2017-09-14T23:39:32.377" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3938" CreationDate="2017-09-15T00:07:09.697" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ah, the not so fun stuff. Most companies have a probationary period with a no fault termination statement if it not working out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you have already mentioned, the reason: &#xA; - we require programming talent: The ability to quickly grasp and understand abstract concepts, advanced analytical thinking, etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you can spin it in away that it not too painful&#xA;...it has become obvious to us over the past few weeks that you are not a good match for what we need, so unfortunately we are letting you go immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5626" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T00:07:09.697" CommentCount="1" CommunityOwnedDate="2017-09-15T00:07:09.697" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3938" CreationDate="2017-09-15T00:21:10.247" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are times when giving people the benefit of the doubt is really fostering false hope. But telling someone that they aren't cut out for an entire field is treading on thin ice. Maybe a different branch of the field would be more suitable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be confident in your ability to assess the abilities of others, but you might also be wrong. Experience is a good teacher, and more accurate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your link, the authors state that the predictive value of whether someone can be a programmer or not is lower than originally thought. If this guy is &amp;quot;a nice guy, hard-working, willing to learn, helpful, etc.&amp;quot;, and he really has his heart set on programming, then perhaps you can tell the truth about what is lacking in his work at your workplace, and suggest further study and maybe interning (?) would benefit him. (I know absolutely nothing about programming, so I don't even know if there are unpaid internships.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you want a more direct answer to your question, probably the kindest approach is to tell him everything that's good about his work (and his person as applies), and really stress it, because once you start in on the negatives, he will not remember much about the positives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, Bob, I want you to know what a pleasure you are to work with. You're hard working, helpful, willing to learn, you respond well to suggestions, (and everything that applies.) But this job requires skills that you don't yet possess, and I'm afraid (etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I want to stress that you have many great qualities that are valuable in the workplace. I do think that you need to get some additional training, though. (if you can be concrete here, it would be great.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I can answer any questions you have, please ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he asks you if he's doomed to failure, then answer him honestly &lt;em&gt;from your experience&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I've never had to terminate anyone's employment, so I have no personal experience. But I've had to hand out plenty of bad news, sometimes the worst news anyone has ever had to hear. There are studies about what people actually hear when doing so. Sometimes the best you can hope for is to minimize the pain.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T00:21:10.247" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3933" CreationDate="2017-09-15T00:34:53.150" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;For a big group, I think waiting is expected. How long, though, is dependent on a lot of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is the person habitually late? Is the restaurant filled to capacity? Do some members of the party have a definite time frame (have to be somewhere else after dinner)? Is the restaurant staff looking askance at your table? Have you asked the server if the table is reserved after your party? What's the custom in your country? (I'm in the US.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We dine out as a family of adults often, and have never ordered dinner without someone there. Drinks, absolutely. Appetizers, yes, if they're running pretty late (&gt;20 min.) In that case, they can skip appetizers and order the main course at the same time you do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this age of cell phones, it's easy to get an idea of how soon the party expects to be there, and to plan accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I think @Maxim's suggestion is lovely.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T00:34:53.150" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3938" CreationDate="2017-09-15T01:56:47.557" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's possible the problem originates in how you onboard your inexperienced individual contributors, so please be cautious about how you determine the cause of the discomfort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in your position, I would start by asking this individual contributor how they feel about the work so far, the organization, their contributions, then finish on a positive note.  This conversation can be educational for both parties and I would start it with the intention of learning without any deliberate effort on teaching.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the relationship is truly doomed to failure, it's better for both parties to understand the inevitable, come to peace with it, then part on good terms.  If the person realizes this is a poor fit, then ending the relationship will be far less painful and completely unsurprising.  If there is a wide gulf between perspectives, try to narrow them.  If the aforementioned conversation opens avenues to improve the outputs of the relationship, take advantage of those discoveries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5764" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T01:56:47.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3944" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3945" CreationDate="2017-09-15T04:16:07.753" Score="43" ViewCount="17093" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am from India and my experience is that addressing a serviceman in a restaurant as &quot;waiter&quot; is not taken positively. So depending on their age, we usually call them &quot;brother&quot; or &quot;uncle&quot;. A few years back, I was visiting Germany and at one point, I visited an Indian restaurant with a few of my friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After we took our table, a friend of mine called a serviceman in the restaurant and asked him for a glass of water. While doing so, he addressed the serviceman as &quot;Uncle&quot; and at that point, the guy got extremely offended and replied, &quot;I am not your uncle&quot;. This was shocking for us and we apologized. However, after that, we discussed this issue and found that each one of us thought that calling him &quot;Uncle&quot; shouldn't be offensive at all since he was anyway quite elderly for us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this correct or we were wrong in thinking so? How should one address servicemen/servicewomen in the restaurant in a proper way? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: The waiter is from Pakistan but we speak the same language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="192" LastEditorUserId="192" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T07:18:10.273" LastActivityDate="2019-09-12T22:01:50.117" Title="A server in a restaurant got offended when we addressed him as &quot;Uncle&quot;" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3944" CreationDate="2017-09-15T04:48:39.830" Score="41" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;calling him &quot;Uncle&quot; shouldn't be offensive at all since he was anyway quite elderly for us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Calling the waiter uncle might have offended him because, possibly he thought that you either mistook his age by his look or he probably just didn't want to be called as such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this correct or we were wrong in thinking so?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say neither party is wrong. You called him uncle as he appeared quite elder than you and he got offended for possible reasons I mentioned above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should one address servicemen/servicewomen in the restaurant in a proper way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am from India and at one time, I went to a local restaurant with my friends and one of them called waiter uncle. Though he didn't say anything at that time, but it appeared that he got offended. So I started to call him sir and he was happy to be called as such. I only did this to show him some respect, but you don't have to call a waiter sir/ma'am. You can, but it's not necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try following approaches without offending anybody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whenever you have to call a waiter, say &lt;em&gt;Excuse me&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If this doesn't work, say the same and raise your hand.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can ask him/her his/her name and the next time, you can call them by their name.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T05:08:08.380" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T05:08:08.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3949" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3812" CreationDate="2017-09-15T05:34:54.743" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been there. I once wrote a letter of about 20,000 words, after a heart-break. After this incident I realized that I say too much. Since then, I have started contemplating and reading about how to be more &quot;concise&quot;. In this quest, I've discovered far more deeper things than just being &quot;concise&quot;. Here is the summary of those discoveries:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;INSIGHTS&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1. &quot;Prose&quot; Human Language is &quot;Assembly Level&quot; of communication&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The concept of communicating through &quot;language&quot; was invented thousands of years ago. And this mode of communication changed the humanity forever, making it the most superior species. Since this mode of communication served all practical purposes, the motivation to invent and use better modes was low, and hence this archaic mode is still the most popular one. Let us call this mode &quot;Prose&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Humanity did invent better modes of communication, which are more concise and powerful. And this happened in the field of ARTS. Poetry, music, painting, dancing are all bits of that evolution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This evolution in human communication is analogous to the evolution of computer programming languages. So, &quot;Prose&quot; is the &quot;Assembly Language&quot;, while other forms of communication are &quot;higher level languages&quot;. To convey your message in &quot;Prose&quot;, you have to write a lot. It is natural. Hence, you should try to move on to better modes of communication like Poetry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. You are a Philosopher&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have the mind of a philosopher. This is something I've observed across people. There are very few people who write lengthy essays. It's not that they are naturally very &quot;concise&quot;. In most cases, their mind doesn't race like our minds. Many philosophers of the past couldn't write concise. Some of the best books in Literature also have been very lengthy. And this is because to truly convey deeper meanings, this &quot;assembly language&quot; requires you to write a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3. There exist people, who will love your style&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust me on this one. I've been embarassed by my lengthy essays too. But once in a while, I would meet a person who would like those essays, who would like my comprehensive writing style. In today's fast-paced world, there are very few who like to read lengthy books, but they exist and will continue to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;PRACTICAL ADVICE&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1. &quot;Kill your Darlings&quot; -- Stephen King&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had read King's book &quot;On Writing&quot; in which he suggested that often in writing you have a tangent in your prose which you know would not be quite interesting for the reader, but it is important for you and you love it. In such cases, just remove that. Just kill such darlings. The other person is simply not interested in reading that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. &quot;Avoid Adverbs&quot; -- Stephen King&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should not be needing adverbs at all. Your prose itself should be powerful enough to convey the gravity of situations or actions. So, cut down on adverbs like plague. Practice doing this. It will make you more laconic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3. Cooldown time&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever you're under extreme emotions, don't send the message instantly after you've written it. Give yourself some cool-down time: a few weeks or months. Then go back to what you had written. You will be able to curtail it easily and make it much better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;4. Practice Humor&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the most practical and useful advice I am going to give to you. Humor helps in the following manner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It packs deeper meanings in smaller sentences. Hence, it's an alternative to poetry. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It makes you and the reader happy. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It will help you cope with stress/anxiety/depression. This fact is pretty much well established in Psychology. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.researchgate.net/publication/249929423_Humor_Coping_with_Stress_Self-Concept_and_Psychological_Well-Being&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here is an interestng journal article&lt;/a&gt; you could read on this matter. And with less anxiety, your urge to write extensively will soothe. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;5. Give an outline&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to write a 5000-word letter, make it easy for your reader. Provide an outline in the beginning, sort of like an &quot;Abstract&quot; or &quot;Summary&quot;. I've done this and it helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;6. Prefer building from scratch, than fixing&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever writing, if I am in a state of fixing a certain part of my essay and it feels too tough, I completely remove that part and write it from scratch. One may think that writing from scratch would take more time, but experience has shown me that it takes less time. And more importantly, the result is more cohesive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;FINALLY&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Write a Book&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the advice I personally would recommend the most for you (specifically). Don't be ashamed of your weakness. Channelize it. And make it your strength. You will realize that it's not a vice, but a &quot;talent&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Writing letters is performing in front of a single audience. Perform in front of a bigger audience. Start writing a book. Besides providing the just investment for your &quot;talent&quot;, this process will also help you better grasp the Art of Writing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever we tell you here is just theory, based on our own experiences. You go there in the wild, and learn from the experiences of performing for the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5756" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T05:34:54.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3944" CreationDate="2017-09-15T07:11:25.917" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;This might be an unlucky coincidence - in German, young people sometimes also refer to older male persons as &quot;Onkel&quot;, but it would mean something like &quot;dude&quot; (informal!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you, as a stranger, would call me &quot;Onkel&quot; while I am your server, I would also be offended, because it implies that you are looking down on me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just &quot;Excuse me, can you ... &quot; is usually the best way to go, that avoids the problem of figuring out which &quot;title&quot; is most appropriate for your waiter - this depends on the type of restaurant and even on the region. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5774" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T11:00:37.183" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T11:00:37.183" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3951" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3906" CreationDate="2017-09-15T07:31:15.450" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest two things. Based on the fact that you both have slightly unpredictable workdays and you seem to be accepting of the chaos that follows of this situation. This has to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My two things are easy, simple and might seem a bit too easy and simple. But the thing is, simple and easy is always best. Onwards to the suggestion, we go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have a morning &quot;meeting&quot; and determine what needs to get done. &lt;strong&gt;Make lists.&lt;/strong&gt; Go through yesterdays list, determine if yesterday was a success or not. &lt;strong&gt;Discuss eventual deviations&lt;/strong&gt;. This sounds awfully &quot;official&quot; or &quot;bureaucratic&quot; - but it needs to be. Your home happens to be both your work places, you happen to be workers and you need to be self-managed. Have the meeting. &lt;strong&gt;Decide upfront&lt;/strong&gt; whether to have lunch together (and what actions needs to be taken by whom to succeed with that...) or not.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Discuss roles and responsibilities. &lt;strong&gt;Who does what, when&lt;/strong&gt; as a general rule.  If there are deviations to this plan - discuss it in the morning meeting. Changes need to be done? Discuss at morning meeting! Set some ground rules. No computer games during work time, should be obvious. Remove computer games from the work computer if needs be, this is a serious distraction and is partly to blame for the blurring limit between what is perceived as private hours and what is work hours.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you get a baby, working from home is going to be difficult enough, you have to make sure there are at least 2 adults present with a good plan and a system to support that plan. I am sorry my suggestion of a plan sounds like creating a copy of &quot;The Office&quot; at your home, but I think that is what you need. &lt;strong&gt;In any case - don't worry, you'll manage&lt;/strong&gt; ;-) Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5494" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T07:31:15.450" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3952" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3953" CreationDate="2017-09-15T07:55:16.193" Score="38" ViewCount="15787" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a group of friends with whom I've spent pretty much all of my time during high school and my childhood. We played on the same sports team, spent every free minute playing video games etc. I was never the type of person with a lot of friends, I always preferred few good ones, so basically this group (four guys including me) was my whole social circle for a long time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now after high school, all of us started studying. The other 3 guys went to the same town, moved in together into a shared flat and are now studying sports together. I, however, knew for a long time that I wanted to go to a particular university in a different town (about 1.5 hours of public transport time away from theirs) to study computer science.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They don't have much interest in my field of study but that never was a problem at all in our group, I've just been the &quot;kind-of-nerdy&quot; person in the group and never bothered them with these topics. When we played video games together it was mostly soccer, which I would've never played if it were only to me, but I enjoyed it because of them. We've all been studying for three years now and as time passes it seems that they think less and less about me. When at the first year they invited me over to theirs at the weekends, last week was the birthday of one of them and they didn't invite me to the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm fairly certain that this is not due to them not liking me anymore, I think it's just that they forget about me. Another guess would be that they think I'm not interested in meeting them because my studies tend to be more time-consuming than theirs (especially the first year was) and due to that I couldn't participate in a lot of activities during that period.&#xA;When I'm in our hometown on the weekends I mostly ask them if they're around too but for most of the time, they tend to stay where they study.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no idea how to confront them with my fears of losing my best (and pretty much only close) friends without sounding really weird and &quot;clingy&quot; . I guess the best approach would be something where I don't have to word it but rather show them otherwise, but I can't think of how to do more than asking anytime I'm around and have time. I also would rather know if it &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; actually more than just them forgetting about me and if they actually have a problem and rather not invite me willingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I'm located in central Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3304" LastEditorUserId="521" LastEditDate="2017-09-17T05:24:59.330" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T04:48:48.393" Title="Afraid of losing best friends, how can I tell them?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3953" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3952" CreationDate="2017-09-15T08:06:45.107" Score="76" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you'll actually lose these friends; but you may not be able to avoid &quot;downgrading&quot; your relationship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They were your friends to begin with because you guys were able to meet each other's needs for companionship, entertainment, and so on.  Now they are too far away for regular get-togethers.  It may be time to move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing stays the same, and if you can't bring back the good old days, then &quot;you have to make the new days good&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find yourself some new friends; some that share your interests.  Spend time with them.  But also keep in touch with your old friends, and invite them over for a visit once in a great while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T08:06:45.107" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3906" CreationDate="2017-09-15T08:08:00.757" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we usually are very good at sharing home tasks. He's great at doing things like that. Some meals I'll cook on my own just because he doesn't like cooking and I enjoy it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no problem here.  Quite the contrary - many people can only dream of a partner like that. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some days, there's a problem. Perhaps I'll need to work 8-10 hours because I have a lot of client work. And so I'll say to him that I'm very busy and I won't have time to cook. And then he says he can't cook either because he also has work to do. Except he only works two hours that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; he only works two hours a day or is that &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; interpretation of it ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And I see this often. He'll say he can't do something because he has other minor thing to do which in his head is allocated to the whole day, but for me it's like two hours to do, tops.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, that's two different people prioritizing and budgeting their time differently.  That's &lt;em&gt;normal&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; regard as minor, need not be what &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; regards as minor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you consider the time he spends on these things too much, but he may, equally, regard you as not paying enough attention to those things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People can have different viewpoints, even in a relationship, and even in one that works !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;it just seems like for him things just take really long. He doesn't do it and then be done, he'll take his time and go slow and watch YouTube and get distracted and drink coffee and play PC games. So in the time I've done 8 hours of work, he's done two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People work at different paces.  You may need to accept that your viewpoint is not necessarily the only reasonable one of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course he may be someone who is not suited to working from home, away from a structured work environment.  But bare in mind that what you think of a a liability (not concentrating on work as you do) may turn out to be an advantage when the child turns up.  He may be more willing to help with the kid and free you up to do work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't write this behavior off - work and personal are different and he may simply have different priorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does raise the question as to whether you would both benefit from some professional counseling.  I'd say you would, as you (at least) have a view of your partner which is perhaps not as accepting as it ought to be.  After all - you choose him and this is what he's like.  And he choose you.  Investing some time and money in counseling with a baby on the way seems like a good idea to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And sometimes its frustrating to see him be so inefficient when I'm really struggling to fit everything into my day. I've spoken to him about it, and said I'm really having difficulty managing, and he says &quot;me too!&quot; As if it's the same for him, but he does so much less work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, that's your prioritizing his work in your head, not his view of the thing.  How much of that is a fault on his part and how much is your expecting him to be like you ?  That's a counseling job to figure out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now this up to now has been mostly OK. I get my down time too and he's wonderful and loving and I don't mind too much, sometimes I get distracted too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no problem I see except two people being mutually supportive and loving.  I'd concentrate on that and sod the rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd note you haven't actually mentioned a &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; problem yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are no financial concerns, no emotional ones, no lack of love or support.  I would describe that as &quot;no problem&quot;. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But I'm getting a bit worried, because I'm pregnant now and I know that next year I'm not going to be able to work, and if he's only working two hours a day then that's not going to be enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, a relationship counselor can discuss these issues with you both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, from my point of view, is the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; real issue : that he might not be working enough to support you and the baby (and himself) for a couple of years before you, presumably, get back into working more.  It's not entirely clear if he's not earning enough doing what he is now, or if you're simply &lt;em&gt;worried&lt;/em&gt; he might not be earning enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder if you both have sat down and looked at the household budget you'll have to work with when the baby comes - you absolutely should - everyone having a baby should do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A professional counselor can get you both to sit down and discuss these things (sometimes together, sometimes individually).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might note that while you're (naturally) worrying about the future &lt;em&gt;your way&lt;/em&gt;, he may equally be worried about it in &lt;em&gt;his way&lt;/em&gt;.  Some of what you're finding frustrating may be &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; reaction to the same worries - people react differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that if I get all resentful its going to come out in my attitude and I really don't want that. I don't want to be resentful. I want to lovingly show him that things can be done faster, and that it helps both of us if he doesn't spend large chunks of his day playing PC games and watching YouTube. How do I encourage him to be more productive in his day and not be so distracted, so we both can get more done?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are heavily focused on the idea that he's a problem.  But consider if there is a real issue :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you have real financial concerns ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have a a real concern he'll be a &quot;bum&quot; as a father ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is this a phase (pregnancy is difficult emotionally for everyone) or has he always been a problem in this sense to you ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are his good sides worth the price of his less endearing qualities ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T08:08:00.757" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3944" CreationDate="2017-09-15T08:10:27.640" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;Referring to &lt;strong&gt;any&lt;/strong&gt; stranger/service professional as 'Uncle' in Western Europe is likely to be received as strange, even outside of the restaurant scenario. You mention that you held this conversation in your native language, and despite this it was still received badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be that this waiter has lived all his life in Germany, and has never become accustomed to the way waiters are referred to in your home country. It's also possible that this is not done in Pakistan, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In England, it depends entirely on the server and the restaurant you are in, but you can address them as 'mate', which is very informal, but can work in a pub or a more relaxed restaurant. To avoid disrespect altogether you should just use 'Excuse me' as the above poster stated - but don't snap your fingers at them!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5779" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T08:10:27.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3952" CreationDate="2017-09-15T08:32:53.737" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The bond are actually tougher than you thought, especially close friends from childhood time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you cherish this relationship, you should take initiative. Always take some time to catch up with them, Such as creating a group via messenger to keep in touch. You do not need to have long words, a simple concern on their recent will be good enough. Exchanging info's between helps to remind them that you do concern about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend you to give them a surprise visit. But that depends on your willingness, and is the trip affordable or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand your fear of losing them. The relationship build since childhood are usually the most pure and sincere. I wish all the best to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3285" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T08:32:53.737" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3944" CreationDate="2017-09-15T08:35:21.700" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am Indian myself and let me tell you first off that I never call a waiter or any other service-provider &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; because I wouldn't know which form of address is acceptable to that person. We can be polite without calling them anything, though you may not have expected that hostile response. We don't &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; have the right to call an unknown person uncle although it is usually tolerated in India for cultural reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to all the other good answers already written, it is worth considering that the waiter might have interpreted  South Asians calling a fellow-South-Asian 'uncle' in a foreign country as unacceptable &lt;strong&gt;regional overfamiliarity&lt;/strong&gt; which might possibly not have been overfamiliar in South Asia. As in (interior monologue)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not living and working so hard away from home in this far-off European country to be addressed overfamiliarly by these fellow-South-Asians as 'Uncle'! It is a nonsense... Why, I should get the respect I atleast deserves in this country. No I won't tolerate it! (Typical syntax in South Asian English, please don't 'edit to improve.')&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So he said cuttingly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not your uncle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A second possibility which is a global reality is that people who enjoyed high social status and possibly held positions of bureaucratic or traditional authority in their home country may be 'forced by circumstances' to be service providers like waiters or taxi drivers when they emigrate to another nation. Example: I recently read of a nuclear physicist from USSR driving a taxi-cab in New York. Such a person may already resent their self-perceived change in status and your overfamiliarity exacerbates their feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also remember that extreme politeness is part of the 'cultured public discourse' of many countries and most of those forms of address in Western Europe don't include 'uncle' -- the waiter may feel you have no right to address him &lt;strong&gt;any less politely&lt;/strong&gt; just because you are from the same region of origin -- This is exactly why we must beware of approaching people from our own region very familiarly while in foreign countries: they may not appreciate it, for their own reasons! Better always to say 'excuse me,' methinks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T08:55:08.183" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T08:55:08.183" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3944" CreationDate="2017-09-15T08:55:51.920" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;each one of us thought that calling him &quot;Uncle&quot; shouldn't be offensive at all since he was anyway quite elderly for us&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Uncle&lt;/em&gt;, in general, indicates a family relation, not just seniority. But even if you would have used &quot;Elderly person&quot; as an accurate description of someone quite elderly it might not be very respectful to emphasize the age so much, depending on the place and the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should one address servicemen/servicewomen in the restaurant in a proper way? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The waiter gave you a hint with &quot;I am not your uncle.&quot; So outside of India, using &quot;uncle&quot; might be a bad idea. It depends on the location. In Germany, for example, you often don't use any title at all &quot;I'm sorry. Could you ...&quot; and use waiter or server very rarely with caution while other terms like uncle aren't used at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1755" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T11:55:28.193" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T11:55:28.193" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3952" CreationDate="2017-09-15T09:03:50.883" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;last week was the birthday of one of them and they didn't invite me to the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you wrote it sounds like you guys are good friends, so why not start by asking your friend why he couldn't invite you for his birthday party, &lt;em&gt;jokingly&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could be a bit diplomatic and ask &lt;em&gt;&quot;Hey! how was your birthday party?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm fairly certain that this is not due to them not liking me anymore, I think it's just that they forget about me. Another guess would be that they think I'm not interested in meeting them because my studies tend to be more time-consuming than theirs (especially the first year was) and due to that I couldn't participate in a lot of activities during that period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they forgot to invite you, they'll probably apologize or provide some genuine reason why such a thing happened. Then, you could ask him to make it up to you by meeting you at the weekend (or any other suitable day/place/time, &lt;em&gt;like old times&lt;/em&gt;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could utilize this meeting to tell them how much they mean to you and that you would like to be the same best friends as you guys used to be sometime back. If they understand, you could get your friends back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't, don't lose heart. People sometimes grow apart from each other and there is not much you can do to convince someone if they have already made up their mind (to not be friends/best friends/part of your life any more).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is that if they mean so much to you, take the onus of reuniting with them, and set up a meeting with them as soon as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll either succeed or fail, either way you'll know for sure what place you are in with your friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="142" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T09:03:50.883" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3962" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3884" CreationDate="2017-09-15T09:06:59.793" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to communicate to him that he needs to keep out of things that don't concern him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would definitely talk to him &lt;em&gt;outside of the workplace&lt;/em&gt;. And tell him a few things so he hopefully understands why, &lt;strong&gt;while at work, I want our relationship to stay on professional tracks&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;em&gt;It will deflect the personal grievance to a professional ground&lt;/em&gt; (where it actually belongs).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While at work, I am a paid professional who want to work hard and be rewarded for it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want other employees to think that I'm favored by a friend. You're my manager, not more, and should be seen just as that by our co-workers (&lt;em&gt;and it makes me feel uncomfortable they could see it differently&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm afraid that any raise or reward I would get could be seen by colleagues as unjustified because of our friendship. &lt;em&gt;This could be a barrier to my career&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some places/countries (i.e. US), company policy can even take this as &lt;em&gt;conflict of interest&lt;/em&gt; (see &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com&quot;&gt;Workplace SE&lt;/a&gt; for a lot of info about that: managers, friendship at work and so on...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, explain how you still want to be friends, and be happy to talk to him, but &lt;strong&gt;not at the workplace&lt;/strong&gt;. Even though being friends and colleagues can lead to weird situations, the best way to dodge them is to &lt;strong&gt;separate work from home/friends&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, depending on his reaction and future behavior, you'll have to adapt...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who has navigated workplaces in different countries and with fellow co-workers from different countries and cultural backgounds, keeping personal doors closed while at work actually never bothered anyone. And many did the same. &lt;strong&gt;Be professional before everything else&lt;/strong&gt;. Your friend will have to understand that. Choose your words accordingly, and the proper time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Related:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;1. &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/36203/i-will-soon-become-the-manager-of-a-close-friend-how-do-i-be-an-effective-manag/&quot;&gt;workplace.SE - manager and close friend&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;2. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.forbes.com/sites/work-in-progress/2015/03/31/new-rules-how-managers-can-be-friends-with-employees/#125427744c5b&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Forbes - new rules&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;3. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.managersresourcehandbook.com/how-to-manage-your-friend/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Manager resource - manage a friend&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;4. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/evan-thompson/office-friendship_b_5835576.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Huff. Post - office friendship&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T12:52:15.020" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T12:52:15.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3963" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3938" CreationDate="2017-09-15T09:14:00.250" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to have a supervisory authority over a large number of employees but luckily it was a government organization and I was not authorised to terminate the job of anyone -- but I understand your problem, because we don't want to derail anybody's career &lt;em&gt;nor&lt;/em&gt; demoralize them (especially a young person), &lt;em&gt;and yet&lt;/em&gt; you do have a duty to the company not to retain him if he is not the right choice, don't you! I also appreciate your determination not to take the easy route and drop him under false pretences, but to 'bite the bullet' and give him an honest explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first be sure of your assessment that he lacks the talent to be a good programmer, and also make up your mind whether you have absolutely decided to terminate his empolyment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, there is nothing wrong in being tactfully honest and explaining to him that &lt;strong&gt;it's not personal, but in your professional opinion&lt;/strong&gt; based on your considerable experience, he does not have the talent your company was looking for. You can stress that it is not his attitude, professionalism or commitment at fault, but his lack of 'that something' which makes a good programmer. Having said that, it is not your job to convince him to seek another profession. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apologize for the inconvenience you caused by hiring him without understanding this problem, and explain that you have no choice to retain him because the company expects you to let an employee go whenever they are found not upto expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;You should be aware that the person might still resent your action because it lost him his job&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;: my former 'intermediate boss' was a decent person who broke the news to me gently that he needed to downgrade my job description, which eventually led to my resignation, but I can &lt;em&gt;still not avoid&lt;/em&gt; despising him for buckling under pressure from my ferociously hostile 'big boss' who was a political bureaucrat of the worst type, had an irreconcilable clash of personalities with me,  and wanted to see me professionally diminished or begone. So despite your kindest approach you are likely to become unpopular with this person, unless you help him find a better job!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you can try to make amends by giving the employee a positive letter of recommendation for future employment opportunities. Another practical assistance and courtesy you might extend is to give him a few weeks' notice (after specifying the date of termination) to let him continue in the current employment while he looks for another job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T13:27:12.017" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T13:27:12.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3964" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3944" CreationDate="2017-09-15T09:30:12.790" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes in Indian context it is not offensive to call an elderly person uncle even if the person is unrelated. But even in India many people may find it offensive. Recently I had similar experience. I was at an informal meeting and I was chatting with someone and there was this lady in her 60s may be. The person I was chatting with called her aunty and she was offended like hell. She said please don't call me aunty, you can call me bhabhi (sister-in-law), didi (sister) or simply use my first name and add ji like Aarti ji or call me Mrs. XYZ but don't use aunty word to address me. She was probably offended because that reminded her of her 60s age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in itself it doesn't sound offensive but some individual may be offended for some reason specially age related. Also keep in mind that in other countries they may have their different local customs on calling an unknown person and you should learn that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="504" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T09:30:12.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3874" CreationDate="2017-09-15T09:48:01.907" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Many people perceive it to be rude&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of my personal belief, many people have come to perceive it as rude if you read something and don't reply, especially since in the case of a whatsapp message they can &lt;em&gt;see&lt;/em&gt; that you've read it. We can go into a long discussion about people's expectations in today's 'always on' society and whether or not it's healthy, but it's largely academic: people expect you to respond to their inquiries as soon as you notice they've made them regardless of how important the inquiry is. Part of the explanation for this is that people feel that your lack of a reply reflects judgement on &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; rather than just judgement on the matter under discussion. In short, they feel that you not replying means you find &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; unimportant rather than the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;So is there nothing to be done?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I use the notification screen of my phone as a loophole: it allows me to judge if the message is important or not and if it's not, I avoid reading it until I'm ready to reply. I've tried convincing people that my lack of replying doesn't reflect any judgement on them, but it's a losing battle: people will feel what they feel regardless of what you intend to make them feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I do read the message in the app directly (either by accident or because I misjudged its importance) I generally provide a very short reply explaining that I'll look into it as soon as I can, i.e. &quot;I'm not sure I'll be free then, I'll let you know as soon as I do&quot; or more generally &quot;I don't know, I'll have to check later/this evening/tomorrow/this weekend&quot;. With some practice, you can learn to use language to clearly indicate that you're unable/unwilling to interact with them without coming across as disinterested and/or rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T09:48:01.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3970" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3807" CreationDate="2017-09-15T10:33:52.817" Score="1" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them to stop pushing you, as politely as you can manage. If they're causing pain, also tell them this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you can, move to make room,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there's space further along, ask people to move along politely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them &quot;There is no room on this bus&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd hope I'd work through these steps, repeating 1 as often as is relevant - even if there is space, they have no right to push you around. If I reached 4, I'd also repeat that until they got the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key, in my mind, is making the statements as calmly as you can (although I'd be tempted to drop the &quot;please&quot; after the first attempt). Don't shout as I'd expect this would lead to escalation. Staying calm (or appearing to) is hard, so we all need to practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, you are doing all you possibly can while reminding them of polite/adult behaviour. This is all you can do, in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2470" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T10:33:52.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3971" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3874" CreationDate="2017-09-15T11:44:06.097" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I agree with Cronax &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3965/146&quot;&gt;that many people perceive it as rude&lt;/a&gt;, I disagree strongly; &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are rude for &lt;em&gt;demanding&lt;/em&gt; an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sender does not know what you are doing when you receive their message.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You may just have started a long meeting.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You may be at the cinema (you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have your phone set to &lt;em&gt;silent&lt;/em&gt;, right?).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You may be attending a funeral (you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have your phone &lt;em&gt;switched off&lt;/em&gt;, right?).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You may be engaged in all kinds of activity that you deem more important than answering their message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, as with everything, &lt;em&gt;it depends&lt;/em&gt;. In this case, it depends on the contents of the message. You can take a peek through the notification, a loophole mentioned by Cronax as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is an actual question (not just any sentence with a question mark on its end), it would be rude not to respond. Likewise for some other serious message. But note that &lt;em&gt;responding&lt;/em&gt; is not the same as &lt;em&gt;answering&lt;/em&gt;. A response acknowledging that you've received their message and that you'll address or answer it later, either through the same medium (WhatsApp) or a different one (in person, over the phone, via e-mail) should suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T09:00:54.753" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T09:00:54.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3972" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="291" CreationDate="2017-09-15T11:48:41.057" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Gently shake their shoulder to wake them. Then ask them not to lean on your shoulder. For most people, they'd be apologetic for it happening in the first place and wouldn't object to this approach. I don't personally see the need for indirection here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this, you can offer to exchange seats etc. (if that might help) as others have suggested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2470" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T11:48:41.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3512" CreationDate="2017-09-15T11:48:46.370" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you genuinely are astonished by the beauty of a girl, avoid at all cost saying &lt;em&gt;general&lt;/em&gt; (&quot;you're very beautiful&quot;) and &quot;sexual&quot; compliments (&quot;man, dat ass!&quot;), because as some users already pointed out, those are the things a &lt;strong&gt;ton&lt;/strong&gt; of harassers normally use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like something in particular, why not saying that? Avoid maybe eyes and smile, since those too are mainstream compliments that creeps use. If you don't want them to stamp a giant L on your forehead, avoid metaphores (&quot;Your smile lights my day like the sun&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've complimented successfully women for their:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hair (in particular strangely colored ones)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Fingernails&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tattoos&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Dresses&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And &lt;strong&gt;never once&lt;/strong&gt; obtained anything worse than a &quot;thanks&quot;. Of course I was genuinely complimenting something I really liked, and never meant the compliment as a way to start &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3408" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T11:48:46.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3975" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3265" CreationDate="2017-09-15T13:13:52.827" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read two problems in the question: conference calls are mechanically difficult (due to problems hearing other participants clearly), and conference calls cause anxiety (maybe but not necessarily a subset of the first problem). For the first problem, I don't have anything to add to Tinkeringbell's answer except my endorsement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the anxiety, there might be some variations on my advice depending on what exactly is behind it, but in general I think that you might be well-served by &lt;em&gt;imposing order&lt;/em&gt; on the calls to the extent that you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does not mean instituting a system where only one person speaks at a time-- my experience with conference calls suggests that that will never happen. But instead, when people talk over one another, you can follow up with a quick summary of what each person expressed and a request for clarification if you couldn't hear. Something like, &quot;So, Karen, you think that we should pursue strategy X, but Todd brought up concern Y about doing so. And then Taylor said something else, but I didn't quite catch it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You probably can't do this with every single comment people make, but even a little bit of a running summary can really help tame a chaotic call. I haven't used this technique on the phone much, but I've had great success using it in unruly groups in-person. It also helps me to feel calmer because, as I organize things in my mind, I'm not trying to insert myself into a chaotic conversation but am instead just trying to make sure that my understanding of what's been said is correct. And if, after confirming my summary is right, I have something to add, well, I've often just created a space for myself to do so!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is hard for you to do, due to maybe an aggressive speaker on the call or discomfort with &quot;jumping in&quot; at all, it might be feasible for someone else to help. For example, if your supervisor is usually on the calls as well, he or she might be willing to do the running summary. A key trait of this approach is that it doesn't just deliver value to you (even if it does help with your anxiousness or make it easier to glean information from the call), but it makes things clearer and more orderly for everyone on the call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, with some notable exceptions I've found chaotic groupings of people responsive to someone taking charge, even in a minor way. People are generally willing to pause and confirm someone else's understanding, if that person asks. And if it becomes a convention on the calls that &quot;Steven likes to summarize things and make sure we're all on the same page several times each call&quot;, you might find that people start &lt;em&gt;making sure&lt;/em&gt; you hear and understand what they have to say, and since the free-for-all makes that less likely their behaviors may change to suit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T13:13:52.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3976" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3952" CreationDate="2017-09-15T13:19:34.057" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I grew up in many different cities in the Middle East and attended at least 8 different schools because my dad would accept any and every transfer with promotion, unlike his colleagues who had businesses in their current city and wouldn't be willing to move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had to lose all my childhood friends, then form new ones, then lose them, form new ones, then lose them, and continue this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have understood that once I'm away from my old friends, I will have no choice but to let go, and form new ones in the new city I'm in. And that they will gladly accept some other people in their circles as if I never existed. This is true on both sides, i.e., I will end up not even thinking about them when I'm settled in a new city.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that doesn't mean we're no longer friends. Recently, with the rise of social media, I found some of them and them me. We caught up a little bit on things that happened after I left. But even that faded out after a while because we're all adults now, and we've our jobs, and life to take care of now. So, contacts will die down naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that still doesn't mean we're no longer friends. We meet up when in case we're in the other city for some purpose, or we meet up back in India and so on. It's nice to have some childhood friends whichever city I go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do in the short term since you're in a different city, is to keep in touch on social media or calls. Not for long exchanges, but for quick catching up on things. You have to keep in mind that sooner or later this itself will fade away. Either you will move on, or they will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do for your long term benefit is to find new people in your new city, get to know them, and let new circles form naturally. Don't get too attached to good old friends and the moments you shared. Make new. Good luck! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I'd like to add is that it's not nice to be clingy, that is, if they have moved on, that is &quot;out of sight, out of mind&quot;, you forcing them to keep you in the loop isn't nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T13:24:47.910" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T13:24:47.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3938" CreationDate="2017-09-15T13:44:01.140" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell the truth, job isn't a joke, if he can't be a good programmer, tell him now that he's young, he won't have time to change his whole life later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a programmer too. I changed company because I didn't like my job there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There, I did a lot of front-end, but I suck at graphical things. I'm a back-end programmer, I had skills, passion and other good qualities to do this job, but not in the way they asked me to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe this guy is just in the wrong place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every programmer who met me, told me that I have great skills. My actual company avoided low paid contracts for young workers, why? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because our senior programmers are excited of my approach and know how.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My last company before letting me go as I asked, told me that I wasn't a good team-worker and that I was visibly doing their tasks while thinking it was too easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What am I trying to say? Maybe he's just a fish in the wrong sea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's a bad programmer, tell him, if he just doesn't fit your idea of &quot;how to do things&quot;, just say that, he may be good but not for you ^^&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3858" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-23T17:12:33.497" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T17:12:33.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3952" CreationDate="2017-09-15T13:46:04.493" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can offer the experience of being almost half a century out of high school, and a person that has always had a fairly small circle of friends. Deal with the loss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friendships (and romances) are based on mutual interest and shared in-person experiences; it is the thousand shared spontaneous jokes and observations, along with a handful of shared losses or intimate moments (non-sexualized for friends). They stop working remotely; sharing something after the fact is just not the same as being there together. What is funny or hilarious while playing a video game is flat and not very funny when typed out in a facebook post or tweet. There is real truth in the phrase, &quot;You had to be there.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such relationships fade, they have to be sustained by physical proximity and &quot;keeping up&quot;, because people's situations (romantic, work, and play) and their ambitions change, and along with those changes, their personalities change. You and your friends are still maturing and will continue to do so for another ten years or more; and you will be different people by then. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can love what you had, but start something new. Join some organizations that match your &lt;em&gt;actual&lt;/em&gt; interests in your new school, volunteer for something there or in your community that you are willing to do, and meet people. Some of them are looking for friends, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At my university (I am a professor) students have a whole gaming group going on, to find fellow players or arrange student-only contests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are becoming a different person than you were with your high school friends, and they are becoming different people than they were with you. You don't have to make any kind of explicit break with them, but it is time to move on with a new phase of your life. It won't be the last new phase, you will graduate again, and likely change jobs, and maybe even change cities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may find a few friends for life along the way, but for me those were adults in their &quot;final form,&quot; professionals over 30 and married, with established lives when we met. We became friends due to shared interests and life views that are still shared decades later, so we still have something to talk about. That is far harder to do with people in high school or college or even in their first jobs after finishing school; too much is still changing in their lives (and yours) to survive the separations to come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this isn't the answer you wanted; but the answer is: Don't tell them. It is like asking them to stop changing from who they were in high school. And stop being afraid, you have a chance to be yourself and make friends that like you for what you like and who you really are, you don't have to pretend to like things in order to fit in, not anymore. Join in activities you actually like and can be enthusiastic about, and you will find common ground with others joining for exactly the same reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T13:46:04.493" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3980" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3952" CreationDate="2017-09-15T14:03:05.737" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is life. While becoming adults, we change our attitude, our daily actions, our thoughts, we like new things and dislike some things that we liked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to find someone who can fit your needs, you don't have to pry your old friends for attention, as you can see they are changing too and you too are becoming different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure you will find new friends, I can understand from your words that you can do everything for your friends, like someone just said, good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3858" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-09-17T08:11:07.810" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T08:11:07.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3981" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="3984" CreationDate="2017-09-15T14:13:39.273" Score="133" ViewCount="29247" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Italy, a lot of people keep thinking that programmers are computer technicians.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A programmer does completely different things, and in a company, I'm not the guy who should assemble your computer or change pieces of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I felt it like a minimization of my job and felt a bit offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The company I work for has many specific-technical staff, programmers, systemists, etc..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I explain to people that a programmer isn't a computer technician?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3858" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T20:15:56.843" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T13:04:26.510" Title="How can I explain to people that a programmer isn't a computer technician?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;&lt;italy&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="21" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3983" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T14:43:09.063" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just try and explain it to them in a very calm demeanor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happens to most coders, I myself get asked sometimes and I normally just explain and say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I program their software, I don't fix or build computers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The majority of people tend to understand after that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3208" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T13:00:22.647" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T13:00:22.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T14:48:01.870" Score="161" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only way this is rude is your belief that a programmer is better than a tech [you mention it feels like a minimization of your job when people think you're a tech.] I don't mean you're rude to believe that , but if you do believe that, then correcting people, &quot;I'm not that lesser thing, I'm this superior thing&quot; can feel rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Solution: speak as though the tech is equal or even superior to you. &quot;Oh no, I tell computers what to do [or how to do something complicated], but when they're broken I'm useless. You need a tech for that.&quot; Or &quot;Heck, I don't put my own computers together! I rely on trained professionals for that.&quot; Don't focus on job titles, focus on what you do, and what the person they need does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People think I can make their printer work or deal with connectivity problems all the time. And to a certain extent I can (and so can you) because we learn some of this stuff in self defense, since we can't be without our technology. But we're probably only a tiny bit better at it than the people who think we can help. Embrace that and share that you are actually really good at an entirely different thing, and when it comes to getting that printer to behave, you and the person you're talking to are on the same footing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T14:48:01.870" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T14:50:35.577" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sort of depends on what you're asking and how your company is designed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At my company, our IT staff are the only people with the permissions to add or change hardware/software. This means that it's easy to tell anyone asking for help with this sort of thing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I actually &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; help you with that because I don't have the system permissions to do what you're asking. You'll have to talk with someone in the IT department. Here's how you contact them:...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also OK for you to admit that you don't &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; how to do it... or how it's done in your company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm actually not sure what the policy is for that. I work with software design, which is really different than configuring hardware. You'll need to talk with someone in the IT department to do what you're asking. Here's how you contact them... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no way to feel not offended if they keep coming to you and you choose to be offended by it. That's your option. But, eventually, with enough pointers to go to IT, they'll hopefully stop coming to you first and go to IT directly. At that point, your problem is solved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to add, there's no reason for you to feel offended by this. In fact, &quot;feeling offended&quot; implies that you don't respect the work that your IT staff does because you think it's below you. It's &lt;em&gt;different&lt;/em&gt;, not necessarily &quot;lesser&quot;. Please respect them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should reframe your reception of these people's coming to you... You said in a comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to specify that I don't think that I'm superior, I just feel like they underestimate me, but maybe it's a personal problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have it backwards: they think highly of you, so they come to you for help.  People generally ask for help from people they respect, so don't think of someone asking for help as an &lt;em&gt;under&lt;/em&gt;estimation of your abilities. Additionally, there's little reason to feel offence as the people asking you are (I would guess) simply uninformed about what a software developer/programmer does. It's just how things are. Plus, a lot of people who are developers, &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; to some degree, deal with hardware problems, so it's not as if the people coming to you are wrong to do so. If you don't know how to do what they're asking, it's OK to admit that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a software developer but I do work on the system level with computers. I get requests for all sorts of hardware/software things - for example, yesterday I got asked how to add someone to an email group... I responded to the email and forwarded it... to our IT staff who deal with that thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Companies are big and complicated. Sometimes knowing who to talk to is confusing, so you talk to the people you know who seem like they &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; have your solution. I consider it a great favor to them to be able to say &quot;I can't, but I can help figure out who can&quot;... not everyone wants to take the time to do that, but I like to, within reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T20:14:41.747" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T20:14:41.747" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3986" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T14:53:10.277" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Establish a good work relationship with the IT guys whose job it is to fix the computers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then ask them &quot;You know, when people ask me to fix their computer problems, I'll refer them to you, ok?&quot; (it should be obvious)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when they inevitably ask, say something like &quot;I'm the programmer, when my computer breaks like yours I just call the specialists!&quot; (and then direct them to the proper person).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like the word &quot;specialist&quot;, it expresses due respect for the IT technicians, while at the same time making it clear that this user's problem is not your problem...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T14:53:10.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3265" CreationDate="2017-09-15T15:16:00.860" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;usually when multiple people start talking at the same time and stepping on each other's words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In real life you can see the other person start talking, so it is easy to avoid, but that's a problem with conference calls when the ping time is not that good. There is a lull in the conversation, then several people start talking at once, but it takes like 0.2-0.5 seconds for the audio to reach everyone, so everyone has time to say a word before they realize everyone's talking, then it becomes a mess. Then either everyone shuts up and the process repeats, or it gets louder and louder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is similar to packet collision avoidance on a network running on a shared medium, and the solutions to this are well-known.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Ethernet or WiFi strategy is to have everyone talking go silent, then wait for a random time before resuming. Ideally this time should be longer than the network ping time, so once someone resumes talking, the others have enough time to hear and stay silent. This won't work on humans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The token ring strategy is to have the last person talking say &quot;your turn, Steve&quot; after they're finished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The USB strategy is to have a boss who tells when everyone shoult talk, in turn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, unless network latency is below a couple tens of milliseconds and you can hear the other open their mouths before they talk, conf-calls will inevitably become a noisy mess. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest explaining this to your boss (he's probably annoyed too) and help him realize that he should just make a friendly introduction along the lines of &quot;Have you noticed how when there's a bit of lag, these calls become a noisy mess?&quot; (most likely everyone will agree at the same time in a big noisy rumble) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'd like to try something: when you've finished talking, if you want to pass the mike to someone, say their name. Or say my name, and I'll do it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will result in a lot of first-names being spoken, but it should reduce the mess and make it a lot more understandable for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does your confcall software have a &quot;I want to talk after you&quot; button?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This makes me highly anxious and my supervisor makes a point of pinging me on it, as my voice raises and changes in tone, reflecting my anxiety. He interprets this as me being impatient, angry and rude. This behavior has also been reflected in my performance reviews. I've since explained as much to him about the anxiety, in hopes he'll understand better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, after the previous one has finished talking, he says &quot;Steven.&quot; (thus signalling you're on air) then you won't get interrupted so your anxiety should recede, I guess. What do you think about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Additionally, I am hard of hearing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not, but my father is, so we had the opportunity to experiment a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en-us.sennheiser.com/gaming-headset-gsp-300&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;high-quality headset&lt;/a&gt; that can go a bit loud without sounding like cat scratchings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are also headsets for the hearing-impaired, that you can configure according to your frequency-dependent hearing loss. These are used without the hearing aids, and leverage the fact that a large headphone speaker has a much better fidelity and intelligibility than a tiny hearing aid speaker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could use a standard (good quality) headset and software on the PC to filter the audio and boost the frequencies your ears have trouble with. Maybe the soundcard's parametric EQ could be enough...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, some hearing aids support Bluetooth, if yours do, then you could use that, it will remove one step in the signal chain and should sound more intelligible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T15:16:00.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3989" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3952" CreationDate="2017-09-15T15:51:50.697" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who's been through a somewhat similar experience, (ie was in a friend group without many other friends outside this group, then re-established contact and regular relations)  I wanted to share my thoughts/experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thing, realize for this period of your life you placed your interests, career and education over hanging out and shared experience with your friends. There's nothing wrong with this, but for the moment you won't be as close as before. Naturally divergent experiences and divergent locations will prevent you from being as close as you used to be until you can get physically close and create more shared experiences together.  Again there's nothing wrong here, don't sweat it or judge yourself about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, I highly recommend you take a close look at your friends as individuals instead of collectively.  Chances are they aren't identical and you'll have more common ground with one than another. Alternatively, one of them might simply be friendlier and more extroverted.  Also its typically easier just arranging a meeting for one person instead of trying to wrangle the whole group together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, and the main thing here, is try your best to still be present in their lives even if you can't be as close as you used to be.  I found social media invaluable for keeping in touch. Simple things like liking posts, occasional messages, posting your own things and appearing in there feeds will keep you at least partially present in each others lives. Definitely be proactive, learn what excites each one of them, and, even if you aren't super excited about it, try partaking. My own experience I learned to like 80s action movies and baseball to stay in touch with a friend.  I didn't necessarily enjoy them for itself, but going to movie halls for late night showings with him are still some of great memories and caused me to genuinely become interesting in it. Alternatively, if you share a sports interest, people often take kindly to a messages like, &quot;man player xxx is an amazing rookie, did you see that homer he hit last night?&quot; those little conversations go a long way to towards staying present in a persons life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two cautions, &lt;em&gt;Don't betray yourself in this quest!&lt;/em&gt; For example, I had a friend who was really into clubbing and dancing and staying out late.  This was antithetical to my own goals in life, so I didn't indulge those. Second thing for the first 6 months maybe more probably its only you who does the logistics, pushes for the meeting, travels out of the way etc.  For the time being likely your need of friendship is higher than the other persons so its to be expected. More of a pain point for you, means you'll be willing to do more to solve it. Once you get reintegrated to the group, this should diminish considerably though.  Also some friends you may never see a reciprocation, and if it feels like a burden and you don't get joy out of the relationship after you did do diligence to re-establish contact, don't keep pressing and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just my thoughts and experiences, hope that helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5808" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T15:51:50.697" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T16:00:04.423" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First I think you need to get past thinking you are better than a tech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not going to have a good conversation if you have a chip on your shoulder. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My job and expertise is programming not hardware.  Here is the contact&#xA;  for tech support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T20:35:43.260" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T20:35:43.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3991" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T16:07:58.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;For these situations, I find it often helps to come up with a comparison of other trades people might be more familiar with to use as an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh I can't help you with that, that isn't my specialty. It's kind of like if I'm a plumber but you need an electrician. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other possibilities are bus driver/train conductor, surgeon/psychiatrist, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4557" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T12:59:56.630" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T12:59:56.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T16:12:35.133" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can do what I do (A programmer for 40 years, a PhD in Computer Science): Tell the truth. I tell people, depending on the circumstance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know nothing about configuring Windows or fixing problems with Windows. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know nothing about that program.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know nothing about that hardware.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't ever use anything like that.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have no idea how that works.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know what different kinds of connectors are, or what you need.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know how to write a game.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know how to write a phone app for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they question that, I tell them I do not have to know any of that to do my job, because my job is solving logic problems, mathematical problems, and informational organization problems. The computer is a tool, like pencils and paper, and I also do not know how to make pencils and paper. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T13:04:26.510" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T13:04:26.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="3993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T16:17:28.057" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a similar relationship between architects and builders that you can leverage.  The architect envisions a house and then drafts blueprints for that house.  The builder then uses those blueprints to actually construct a house.  A programmer envisions what a program should do, then drafts up code to do it.  The technician takes those things and actually makes your computer operable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The analogy is not 100%, because what a technician does and what a builder does aren't &lt;em&gt;quite&lt;/em&gt; one-to-one.  However, in both cases one of the defining characteristics of the architect/programmer is the creation of the paper/digital documents describing what should be done.  As a fellow programmer, when I think of attributes that define my job, that's one of them.  If I were trying to define the difference between a programmer and technician, I would choose an analogy that can drive that message home, like this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I like this analogy is because it explains the difference between a programmer and a technician without belittling the technician.  Most people would agree that the architect job is more sexy, but that doesn't mean that the builder's job isn't &lt;em&gt;incredibly&lt;/em&gt; important and valuable to society.  Likewise what a technician does is very important, it's just different in nature from programming.  In fact, if the conversation calls for it, I can even talk up the importance of technicians without diluting my claim that I do something different than they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, some of the confusion arises because programmers are, by their nature, half decent at debugging technical problems.  We can hear a problem, do a StackExchange search, and fix it, almost just like a technician.  However, as technicians specialize in this sort of thing, they are substantially better at it.  I may be able to help you hook up a printer at home and get it to print.  It might take a few hacks, but we'll get it printing.  The technicians at the place I work maintain an army of network-shared Xerox DocuCenters in a corporate environment where downtime means $$$ and patches must be deployed before hackers exploit those holes to steal our critical data, all while ensuring that any change they push out can be rolled back if individual users suffer work outages due to the change.  Because, after all, as a user, if IT's critical safety patch inhibits my work in the slightest degree, I'm going to have a ticket opened at the highest possible level, and demand they fix it on some ridiculously short timetable.  Then I'll have my manager's manager phone in and demand that ticket get attention ASAP.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it's technically the same thing, but I'm &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; glad to have dedicated specialists handling it for me at work!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="486" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T16:22:37.383" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T16:22:37.383" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3994" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4008" CreationDate="2017-09-15T16:17:52.130" Score="19" ViewCount="6462" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and my boyfriend have two friends (a couple), whom we hang out once a week. The guy will usually pick his girlfriend up from work and then come over to our place to hang out until after midnight. Because the girl is understandably hungry after working long hours, and because they will be staying until after midnight, they almost always order food. It's usually nothing extremely expensive, a couple of pizzas and sodas or kebabs with fries and sodas.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I am on a really tight budget at the moment and I can't afford to order food too often. There are times when I might have ordered something the day/night before and I can't afford to order again the next day. I don't want to keep getting carried away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I/we have told our friends:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is enough cooked food for everyone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you like to try some of our...?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there isn't enough for everyone (which is more often the case):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We made....and we should probably eat that or it won't be as good&#xA;  tomorrow&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You guys mind if we don't join you tonight? We're just going to eat&#xA;  the food we just made, maybe next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The couple always declines our offer. These are some of their responses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No worries. It's on us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I actually do worry it's on them because the guy has also lent my boyfriend money he hasn't got back yet)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Come on you guys. You'll treat us next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Of course this is rarely the case. At best we have split the bill)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What ends up happening is them treating us 70% of the time when they visit us and 100% of the time when we visit them. I am grateful, don't get me wrong, but at the same time I feel extremely embarrassed. I don't know how my boyfriend feels about this but I've been increasingly feeling more and more obligated towards my friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I politely tell my friends I can't afford to order food or decline being treated even when my friends insist on paying for me and my boyfriend without ruining the mood of the evening, and without sounding miserable? (I worry that our friends will eventually stop visiting if we don't order food with them or fail to reciprocate). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T16:10:47.183" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T00:59:20.630" Title="How can I politely tell my friends I can't afford to order takeout?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3995" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3933" CreationDate="2017-09-15T16:24:25.613" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a one-on-one situation, the whole reason you're at the restaurant is to share a meal with them, so it makes sense to wait. With a larger group, the math doesn't really support several people being inconvenienced to accommodate one person. Etiquette does require some subordination of math to politeness, but within limits. As the group gets larger, it becomes more and more unreasonable for the one person to expect the rest to wait. It's perfectly reasonable for the friend to be annoyed at &lt;em&gt;situation&lt;/em&gt; of everyone else already having eaten, but unreasonable for them to be annoyed at the &lt;em&gt;people&lt;/em&gt; for having done so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that part of the intention of appetizers is to address this sort of issue: you can still have something to snack on and have your main meal when the rest of your party arrives. If your friend can give a solid ETA, the restaurant might be willing to take their order so the food will be ready when they arrive. If not, it might still be useful to tell your server what you plan on ordering, even if you don't want it served immediately, and ask what accommodations can be made once the friend arrives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T16:24:25.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3996" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4020" CreationDate="2017-09-15T16:40:30.637" Score="20" ViewCount="4659" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I get asked what my belongings cost, be it an ordered food, PC, or other stuff. In the university I study, there is extreme contrast in how much students and their parents make annually between students. As a result, from time to time I get into awkward situation where the food is not expensive for me, but others try to claim the opposite. I might not call over anyone into my room, but since I live in a dormitory, I cannot pass by unnoticed by my familiars when ordering food, and deliverers cannot get right to the door of my room. I live with a person who doesn't care much about anything. The distance between fences where the deliverer waits for me (as they are not allowed to get in) is quite long, so meeting someone I know is guaranteed and ordering food considered quite expensive in the dorms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in middle Asia. I'm concerned with their thoughts because they might start generating attention to me, which is of very big concern to me. I live a life between my room and university, spending time on research and other stuff. Getting more attention usually means spending time on dealing with others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I deflect or avoid questions like &quot;How much does it cost&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Example&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm going to my room with a package of food.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Familiar:&lt;/em&gt; Hey! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Some entry talk&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Familiar:&lt;/em&gt; That food smells delicious! How much does it cost?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I make up something depending on the person asking&lt;/em&gt; // *&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Familiar:&lt;/em&gt; Oh, that's expensive! &lt;em&gt;//I made incorrect guess&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I tell on the line marked with '*'? I can keep making up numbers, but I'm sure one day they'll figure out I'm not being honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I've tried&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;rucksack&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best bet is carrying a rucksack with me. Unfortunately, sometimes I order a pizza, sometimes deliverer gets soup spilled all over package, so it is not always an option.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;headphones&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I may pretend that I don't hear them, but pretending that I don't see them would be blunt lie.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3052" LastEditorUserId="3052" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T17:26:12.503" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T23:39:09.520" Title="How to deflect &quot;How much does it cost&quot; questions?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3994" CreationDate="2017-09-15T17:14:17.657" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tricky, but I think that your best bet centers around providing alternative foods (which I know you've already done), explaining why you would prefer not to order food, and explaining that you don't feel comfortable being treated all the time. Basically, exactly what you've expressed here. This breaks down along some fairly clear lines for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;You are up against a hard constraint regarding these meals.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These meals may or may not be expensive in absolute terms, but ordering prepared food from a restaurant is one of the most expensive ways to eat. Even if you can make your budget work to include such meals, it may still be an undesirable way to spend your money. I think that most people can understand this, and it sounds like your issue with your friends is that they don't understand that this is an ongoing situation for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not that you would have a hard time with the cost of pizza this week (prompting the &quot;our treat, you'll get us next time&quot; argument), it's that the pizza is too expensive in general. This seems like the key point your friends are not acknowledging-- alternating who pays for food doesn't change what you spend, it just distributes your spending differently over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this one, I only see a couple of choices. You can specifically budget for the takeout with your friends (which would mean scrupulously &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; ordering food at other times if your budget doesn't allow for that), if that is affordable and desirable. Otherwise, telling your friends clearly that you can't afford such frequent takeout. That leads to number two:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Your friends are more comfortable treating you than you are being regularly treated.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on what you wrote, it seems that your friends enjoy your company and don't really mind paying for your meals in order to have the specific meals they want. It's not clear to me if this pattern is well understood on their end-- are they explicitly OK paying for your meals most of the time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, this weekly contention may be hiding that pattern and cause ill will down the line. Even if they don't mind it, it seems that you do, in which case they should be respectful of your wishes. But that also means that the takeout will be off the table, so to speak, when you spend time together. Of course, takeout isn't the only food available, which brings us to three:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Your friends consistently decline other food options, seemingly regardless of circumstance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friends appear to have a preference for takeout. Some people do; when I spend time with friends, it is often easier and &quot;more fun&quot; to order food. I'm not opposed to cooking, but may not want to go to the trouble. I also don't want to mooch off of others' cooking without contributing myself, so I'm stuck cooking or pushing for takeout. Your case may be similar. In the same way that you don't want to be paid for all the time, they may not want to cook, or not cook and then eat what you've provided all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever the reason, their preferences on alternative meals is forcing you into either paying more than you're comfortable with, or forcing everyone to go hungry for the night. If these are your friends, I doubt that either of these is what they want to happen. I don't know them or their minds, but what seems most likely to me by far is that they don't fully appreciate the situation they are putting you in. They might be more open to alternatives if the did have all the information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that this is less an issue of being polite than of being clear and direct. Efforts at politeness have produced individual, discrete instances where they address your polite cover rather than your actual situation. If they knew that you can't order food weekly (or are just not comfortable with doing so) rather than over a string of &quot;just this one time&quot;s, they might press you less on ordering. They are much more likely to understand your situation if you just tell them, something like &quot;I'm trying to be extra careful with my money for now, and it's a real challenge to do this every week. I'm not sure I can keep it up&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even that has a fair amount of hedging in it. If you are really concerned about telling them flat-out, a more proactive message may work. If, for example, the weekly hangout incorporated everyone making a meal together you could avoid the cost of the takeout (and maybe save even more by buying sale items in large quantities!). Some of my friends and I do this, though irregularly. But I have to assume that they prefer your company to takeout food, and would be willing to do things differently if they really understand that this is a significant hardship for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T18:21:52.997" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T18:21:52.997" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="3999" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T17:18:43.043" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;This had exactly been perplexing me for a while and I feel with you! I have some knowledge on software and data science (though I do it more as a hobby than a job), but people often ask me to fix up a problem on a Wi-Fi router, fix up hardware issues, etc..., which I have little or no knowledge on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found that a good approach is to relate tech to sports. Most people have enough understanding on sports in general, so it is easier to let them recognize that a programmer doesn't know everything about tech, much like professional soccer players are not good at every sports.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The below is an example I usually explain when get asked by a non-tech person (friends, not company members):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My frined X: Hey, my Internet suddenly stop working. What happened?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I: (Too broad...) [Having checked it briefly...] Sorry I don't know. I'm not a network engineer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X: But you are an engineer! Why you can't fix it up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I: Software engineer is not the same as network engineer. Consider sports. Messi is a soccer player but do you think he can be as good as volleyball or baseball?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X: I don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I: The same is true of programmers. Messi would be better at volleyball or baseball or any other sports than ordinary people, but is Messi the kind of person that you want to teach you volleyball? Or do you prefer a professional volleyball player?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X: Volleyball player!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I: Exactly. Messi would be better at volleyball than you or I, but he would not be even as good as a 14 years old student who plays volleyball at school. Messi might not know how to serve a volleyball in a correct stepping and jumping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I: I may be better at networking than most people who don't use a computer usually, but the network is too complicated and I don't know much about it, just like Messi might not know how to serve a volleyball. It would be better to ask it to an engineer who specifically works on networking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X: OK, I got it! Sorry for asking it... Thank!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T17:18:43.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4000" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T17:19:37.630" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;These people are your coworkers, and as such should be treated nicely when possible. So if the problem they bring to you is (very and reliably) quick, I would suggest helping them. Just like if someone asked you for help carrying something in the building because you happened to be there when some uncommon delivery arrived.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the thing they are asking is not reliably quick, tell them it would pull too much time away from your programming assignments. Maybe also suggest who may be able to help, if you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Programming time is incredibly expensive, so you may be able to mitigate this problem by letting your leadership know that you are getting asked to do non-programming things. That leadership will likely put the word out that people should avoid distracting programmers because the company needs them to stay on programming tasks. (Many engineering teams have a position, Scrum Master, whose only responsibility is removing impediments to coding, including defending programmer time from this sort of thing.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5812" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T17:19:37.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3996" CreationDate="2017-09-15T17:23:08.913" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The magic answer: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;COUPONS&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wherever it is, whatever item it is, COUPONS!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Familiar person: Hey that smells delicious, how much did it cost?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     You: Oh this place is expensive! I never buy anything from here unless I have a coupon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Familiar person: Oooh fancy headphones! How much was it?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     You: I don't remember exactly, it was on sale and I found a bunch of coupons to use, so it was pretty cheap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever be the question, whoever be the person, whatever be the item in hand, &quot;coupons&quot; is the magic word. Use that word for everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is something OBVIOUS that coupons would not work for, I don't know, like a pet hamster? I don't even know what coupons don't apply for. Maybe alcohol? Then there is a different answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Familiar person: That bottle of liquor looks expensive, how much was it?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     You: [Tell them the price and then..] I had to save up for a month to be able to afford it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Familiar person: That pet looks expensive(?). How much did it cost you?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     You: I have no idea, it was a gift! Isn't it awesome?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what your motive is to not tell your acquaintances the real price, but many people have done this to me and even though I could see right through their lie, I appreciated this better than &quot;Oh it is too expensive&quot; or &quot;Oh it was cheap, it is just a buck[or a blatantly obvious lie]&quot;. The reason for that is, they spared my feelings. They noticed that I might not be able to afford it and didn't want to make me feel bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted, I spent a few hours looking for coupons on things people lied to me about. But you get to escape from the situation easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But wait, what if they ask for a link to the coupon? Variety of options for this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know, I was just Googling and found a link, try Google.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     I received a mail coupon for this.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     My friend gave me a gift card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pro tip:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The biggest part of having a good, functional social circle is being able to lie on the spot! I know this sounds like horrible advise, but you just need to give the listener what they want to hear. In a situation such as yours, sparing the feelings of others is what is going to let you have friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your ability to afford expensive things should not be a factor for how many people like you, but unfortunately, it is. This is the only bypass system for that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S.: Expecting a LOT of criticism for this answer! I am sorry to anyone I offend. &quot;That's just the way she goes&quot;. :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT 1:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I just saw your edit mentioning you live in Asia. I don't know if this would work there. Coupons are not a common thing in India. So I am assuming it may not work elsewhere in Asia. I am sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But a quick and easy fix for that: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;GROUPONS!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Groupon is definitely a thing in India. See if it is in your country and use that! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that even does not work, use the following lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bought a gift card for a discount price&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     Got it as a gift from parents/girlfriend(s)/childhood friends&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     Got it during an amazing sale(for objects)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     They had an special offer for a limited time(for food)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T17:40:30.627" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T17:40:30.627" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T17:25:01.217" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to give them an analogy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inspired by the Pilot/Mechanic comment, but most people are not pilots either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Programmer is to a Computer Technician analogies:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Driver to a Mechanic (Cars)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Swordsman to a Blacksmith&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Architect to a Construction Worker&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Movie Screenwriter to Production Crew (special effects, stage prop&#xA;engineer, make-up artists)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically any pairs of User/Designer vs Builder/Creator/Repairer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most programmers pick up computer technician skills as a hobby, but they're not necessarily knowledgeable enough to really be one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="451" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T17:25:01.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4003" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-15T17:34:44.823" Score="7" ViewCount="711" Body="&lt;p&gt;Occasionally, the people who I meet on the Internet ask me to hang out. But my English speaking is far more terrible than my written English, and some people look quite disappointed to hear my poor speaking English skills once we meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always inform them in advance that my English speaking is much worse, but people don't believe it, or take it with a grain of salt and predict my oral English proficiency based on my written English. Or they see my warning as a strong modesty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't take any formal English test, but my written English is likely B2 (closer to C1 than B1) while my oral one is likely A2 on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_European_Framework_of_Reference_for_Languages#Common_reference_levels&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;CEFR&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any better way to inform them of my poor English speaking in advance? Partly due to this problem I'm reluctant to meet someone who I've  met on the Internet. I would not like to disappoint them...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These people also don't have English as their mother-tongue (Chinese, Vietnamese, Thai, Western and Eastern European, etc...) but speak far better English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-10-01T19:37:46.887" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T09:08:13.590" Title="How can I inform people I've met on the Internet that my English speaking is far worse than my writing?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3996" CreationDate="2017-09-15T17:43:54.547" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't bother.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are almost certainly cultural factors of which I am totally ignorant, so please keep that in mind with the following.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main issue seems to me to be that you are doing something your fellow students cannot. The food is expensive, they cannot (or feel that they cannot) afford that food, and so seeing you with it sets you apart from them and draws the attention you would rather avoid. Lies, or any other approach to deflection, will not fix this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another answer suggests pretending you have used coupons, which may or may not suit your needs. It would be very easy to falsify (&quot;Hi, Pizza Delivery Chain, I heard about a coupon for a free large pizza but haven't been able to find one. Oh, you've never had a deal like that? How odd!&quot;) But if you consistently find amazing coupons that allow you to eat this luxurious food at &quot;normal student&quot; prices, and &lt;em&gt;none of your fellow students ever come across such a coupon&lt;/em&gt;, you are still set apart whether your lie is ever uncovered or not. Even if they don't think you're rich in money, they will think you are rich in mystery coupons, and I don't see that that solves your problem of attracting attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that your only real choices are to eat cheaper food, and therefore not be apart from the other students in this matter, or to hide your food (in, say, a mesh laundry bag, maybe with some clothes or something).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hiding the food seems tricky, because it would be an odd behavior (where I live) to go all the way to the door with a bag, pick something up from someone, and then go back to your room with that same bag. The intent to deceive will be pretty obvious-- how many activities can you do in a few seconds that would require you to bring a bag to the delivery entrance? Can you be so certain that no one will ever see you pay for and receive the food? Even one observer would be enough to destroy your entire scheme.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if your goal is just to avoid attention, my advice is to avoid the conspicuous display of wealth from buying obviously expensive food buy eating differently, or to try to obscure the fact that you are getting expensive food. If you choose the latter, your plan had better be pretty good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T17:43:54.547" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4005" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-15T17:58:10.693" Score="17" ViewCount="1510" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not very good at small talk, even though I have improved quite a bit. My mother once said it's because I'm not interested in most of the topics that small talk brings up. But then I guess many small talk topics are politeness and not true interest. Anyways, I sat down and wondered &lt;em&gt;what I am interested in regarding people&lt;/em&gt;. I'm an artist and storyteller so I noticed I usually hope the other person has a story to tell when I ask them a question. I'm also a lot more interested in why people do things rather than what they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One tactic I've come up with is asking what job someone has, and then following up that question with &quot;How did it come to that?&quot; which in 50% of the cases results in a story. (However, there are many people who chose their path randomly and seem to be without real aspiration and then I'm kind of lost.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have any suggestions for other small talk questions that are not too personal but still focus on motivations and aspirations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note that I won't be able to check this post until tomorrow, so I won't be able to answer questions immediately)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm talking about one time encounters with longer talks, for example in Germany you can share a group ticket for the train with strangers to save money and you'll end up conversing for an hour. Uber driving might be similar. Or at events such as weddings where you talk to aquaintances of the couple that you will likely not see in years, so essentially also a one-time encounter with extended smalltalk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update 2:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also considering a case where a conversation has been established where my example question works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4754" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T17:44:57.120" LastActivityDate="2019-09-05T02:41:56.120" Title="What small talk questions can I ask when I'm mostly interested in the motivations of people?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-09-05T12:12:59.790" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4007" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4010" CreationDate="2017-09-15T18:14:26.057" Score="17" ViewCount="1432" Body="&lt;p&gt;A work colleague invited me and my partner (we live in London) to her wedding evening reception (starting at 7pm). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are French and this will be our first English wedding. We are not invited to the ceremony or meal. I have read online that the evening reception was for drinks only and that no food will be served. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are we expected to bring a gift? The happy couple have set up a website where we can make donations for their honeymoon: should I contribute to this instead? If yes, what amount is expected? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5817" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T18:50:32.497" Title="Am I expected to bring a wedding gift if only invited to the evening reception?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4008" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3994" CreationDate="2017-09-15T18:21:20.257" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friends, because they are your friends, have probably understood your personal economic situation. Accept their offers to treat you out, I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot you would do the same. However, always thank them, and next time invite them for dinner at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friends: Don't worry. We've got this covered.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  OP: Really, I wish you wouldn't. But we really appreciate it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;End of meal&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;OP: How about coming round [date/day] I can make us all some pasta with (add choice of sauce). Would you like that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pasta is dead cheap to buy or make. If you want to make the meal that bit &quot;special&quot;, make it yourself at home. Pasta's very easy to make, once you've mastered it,  and added bonus, it is filling. Mix white flour with wholemeal and you have a trendy meal.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Homemade spinach pasta is delicious but time-consuming, (I've only made it twice in my lifetime, it can go horribly wrong) so practice making it beforehand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The great thing about homemade pasta is that you can make it in advance and then freeze it. You can also freeze homemade meat sauce, or plain tomato sauce if you are vegetarian.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Buy a couple of beers, make a fruit dessert, dinner is served. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T18:47:42.290" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T18:47:42.290" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4009" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4018" CreationDate="2017-09-15T18:33:54.087" Score="12" ViewCount="2222" Body="&lt;p&gt;A close friend of mine has converted to Buddhism (a few months back), he's obviously very excited about the revelation he is having in his life (and it's a highly positive change). My feelings about religion aside (I have no plans to follow Buddhism, nor' any religion), it has dominated conversation more and more lately and I don't want to put my friend down for something that is clearly helping him, spiritually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prior to his conversion, we meditated quite often (and still do, but for different reasons now in comparison to before), which I think is the key as to why he feels comfortable talking about it with me more than normal (that and I'm also a supporting friend and I want this transition in his life to be as smooth as possible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also learnt a bit about the religion in the process. But, we have plenty of other interests I miss talking about with him (such as programming, books we're reading etc...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the most respectful way possible: &lt;strong&gt;how can I tell my friend I don't want to talk religion every chance he gets?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-08-16T16:25:25.313" LastActivityDate="2020-09-01T17:30:06.467" Title="How to tell my friend I don't want to talk religion every chance he gets?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4007" CreationDate="2017-09-15T18:43:54.027" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a brit I know there's no obligation in UK culture for you to bring a gift, it's more to be polite. It can be considered rude if you were invited to the ceremony and didn't bring a gift. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thelondoneconomic.com/lifestyle/top-10-wedding-gift-rules-you-should-know/06/08/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The London Economic&lt;/a&gt; echoes this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you’re invited to the evening reception, or a party after the&#xA;  actual ceremony has occurred, you may or may not wish to give a gift,&#xA;  but many people do anyway.  If you attend the ceremony, it’s the pit&#xA;  of bad manners not to give a gift.  Even if the bride and groom insist&#xA;  that they don’t want a gift, give one anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do want to donate to the honeymoon, just add whatever you can afford. I'm sure they don't expect a minimum, but whatever you feel comfortable giving. Again this would vary dependant on how well you know them. To someone I didn't know very well (a friend of a friend), I'd give them the value of a bottle of wine (roughly 30+ quid). If they're closer, I'd take a gift to the wedding (something personal to what I know of them). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T18:50:32.497" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T18:50:32.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-15T19:04:02.950" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your job, to most people, is &quot;working with computers&quot;. Most people have absolutely no idea what the difference is between the many computers, applications, services, functions, databases, OS, etc; and have no idea of the relative difference in difficulty of different tasks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The confusion is likely increased if you are a member of the IT department. It is likely also increased because you (or other &quot;programmers&quot;) have likely helped out with simpler tasks either when technicians were otherwise occupied or simply because of proximity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can explain, but it is likely than many people will respond to your &quot;that isn't my job function&quot; with &quot;but can you fix it?&quot; and, in a large number of cases, your answer will be &quot;-&lt;em&gt;sigh&lt;/em&gt;- yes&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2464" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T19:20:45.290" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T19:20:45.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4012" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4021" CreationDate="2017-09-15T20:01:35.850" Score="12" ViewCount="738" Body="&lt;p&gt;Imagine you're at a party or a networking event, or something along those lines. You're confronted with a large room full of people all talking in small groups. You know nobody or next to nobody here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this type of situation, what is the most effective, easy and polite way of joining one of these groups? By 'polite' here I mean the general Western standards of politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5832" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T08:15:25.943" Title="How to enter a group conversation with relative strangers?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1186" CreationDate="2017-09-15T20:33:20.460" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't feel like you &lt;strong&gt;have to&lt;/strong&gt; ask for the reference to be explained. It's totally OK to just smile and say, &quot;I don't know who or what that is&quot;, without inviting a lecture on a subject you don't necessarily care about at all. Anyone who reacts with a smirk and an insult is the one with the interpersonal skills problem, not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T20:33:20.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4012" CreationDate="2017-09-15T20:34:49.233" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pick a group. There might be some groups that are small and some that are large. If you feel intimated by the larger group pick a small group. Approach them, and in a slightly louder voice (so you stand out momentarily), introduce yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey/hello, I'm [your name], mind if I join you (guys)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or you could say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you guys tried [name of appetizer] or Isn't [name of snack] good?&#xA;  By the way, I'm [your name]. How's it going?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The food is just an example. You could mention the music. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends on the appearance you want to make and/or the impact and how comfortable you are. But these are some polite ways to do this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you could start approaching one of these groups and someone might see you and invite you in or ask who you are and so on before you get a chance to say something.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T20:34:49.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4015" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-15T20:37:55.473" Score="12" ViewCount="7031" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Current situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John and Ashley are friends. They are of opposite genders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;John&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Introvert&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Has very few friends. Primarily boys.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tech-savvy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In an unconventional way. He seeks perfection. Great code quality. Quality over amount.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Committed to never being in a romantic relationship with anyone&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;He thinks that loneliness is his destiny. It simplifies a lot of things in his life, as it is pretty rough at the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friendly, easy to start conversation with&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If approached, can talk for quite a while, but will not start conversation himself.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Likes playing games&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Video games is his place of habitat.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is emotion driven, but he gains discipline to control them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Emotions damaged his body, so he knows that controlling emotions is key to survival. His cardiovascular system experienced irrevertible damage. Though his discipline is good enough to get through most of the problems he experiences, but breaking up with a loved one will hit him hard enough to die.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Ashley&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tech-savvy, but not as much as John&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She knows CPU models, knows the difference between byte and megabyte. Small programming skills.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Likes playing games.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Not as much as John. She does it rarely compared to John.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is fun for John is fun for Ashley, and vice versa&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When one makes a joke, the other laughs.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Thinks John is cool, that he can one day &quot;change the world&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She observed him in situations where he showed his peak cognitive performance, and she was amazed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Relies on John in bad situations, such as fixing laptops, blue screen of death, etc.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She asked him for favors sometimes, and he didn't refuse or put her down. She found him to be very reliable person.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Emotion driven.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She thinks that listening to emotions is always the right way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;John and Ashley&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hang out together, once or twice a week.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Go to cinema, play online games, etc. Possibly with other friends&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Outsiders think they are in love, even their friends.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Their friends keep bothering them about it&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Very rarely get into physical contact, such as touching, hugging.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;John never shows physical attraction to her, though he hugs her when she is in extremely bad mood or had rough day. He never allows her to do that, though.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They are from middle Asia.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Sadness&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day Ashley told John that she likes him. John is committed to never get into romantic relationships, so the comedy turns into a melodrama. John doesn't want to lie or try to start liking her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can John let Ashley know that he doesn't share her feelings for him without losing her friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation is different&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this question, the characters are more introvert, e.g. they have very few other friends. They have much stronger bonds than usual friends, so they are on a thin line between friends and lovers. Also, the scene is located in middle Asia, not US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3052" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T01:36:57.327" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T18:13:53.550" Title="How to stop a friendship from blossoming into a romance?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-09-16T19:13:42.473" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4016" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3512" CreationDate="2017-09-15T20:50:41.867" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This depends on context. Complementing a friend with whom you have an established relationship is generally inoffensive. Comments on a strangers appearance are less likely to be welcome. Generally if you aren't sure if its okay or not, its better to err on the side of caution for individual circumstances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, compliments on accessories are usually considered more acceptable than on the appearance of body parts, or general appearance over all. If you want to compliment someone, maybe compliment their shoes, jacket or backpack for example. Avoid complimenting things like hair, facial features, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4266" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T20:50:41.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4009" CreationDate="2017-09-15T21:17:03.457" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;At first, you could ask him to talk about a certain topic of your choice you need help with, advice, more talking time in a confident tone, for that day. It could be something more personal you are struggling with or a project you are working on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Friend's name], could I have your full attention about [topic of your choice]? I think I need your input on this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or just start blabbing about [topic of your choice] just randomly even&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if diverting his attention to the topics you used to talk about doesn't have a lasting effect, and if you are comfortable expressing your feelings, pick a good moment or even after he has just finished talking about Buddhism and say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I'm really happy for you...and you do seem really happy&#xA;  since you've converted to Buddhism, and I'm grateful I've learned so&#xA;  much about it from you and I did like meditating with you and still do&#xA;  but I really (really) miss us talking the way we used to about&#xA;  [programming-related topic] or [other topic you want to talk about]. I&#xA;  just feel that we don't spend enough time anymore and I just&#xA;  wanted you to know that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know much about Buddhism and I'm not religious, but from what I've heard it has to do with love and compassion and you could even use stuff you've learned about Buddhism (perhaps allegories, or stories) to approach this matter with your friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk about how peaceful you felt when spending time with him doing such and such thing. How happy you felt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-15T23:02:27.173" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T23:02:27.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3996" CreationDate="2017-09-15T21:33:56.893" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't be too concerned with it most the time, but more interested in what they are really asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some expensive toys, for example. I am often approached when out with my camera gear or a drone and asked about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation will often lead to cost (especially with the drone), the conversations tend to go something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;stranger: I'd love to get something like that! How much did it cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: This one wasn't cheap, but you can find one's from $50 - $20,000 depending on what you need it for. What are you going to use it for?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my mind, I've done a few things here: Hinted I don't want to give a value, 2) given the asker some information he can use, and 3) moved the conversation to something still within our mutual interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With something like food, which is vital but also potentially a guilty pleasure there is no reason to lie about the cost IMO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just ordered a hamburger for example, if someone asks how much it costs what they might really want to know is what the damage to their own wallet would be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;dorm-mate: How much was that amazing smelling burger!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: About $8&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;dorm-mate: Wow, that's more than I want to spend for a burger, that's pricey!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Yeah, I had a bit of a craving and sometimes you just have to splurge a little. But you could always try &lt;em&gt;another place's name&lt;/em&gt;. They also have really good burgers and are a good margin cheaper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach works probably 99% of the time AND builds a little rapport.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4359" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T21:33:56.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3996" CreationDate="2017-09-15T21:39:33.820" Score="25" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Tell them exactly how much it was, then make fun of yourself for it&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, people's perception on you relies heavily on how they think you perceive yourself. If every day you spent $40 on every meal like it was nothing, then your fears would probably come true. But consider this interaction:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Familiar: That food smells delicious! How much does it cost?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;LordFarquaad: It costs $40 (maybe add something like, &amp;quot;but I'm so hungry/it's so good&amp;quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Familiar: Oh, that's expensive!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;LordFarquaad: I know, but food is such a weakness of mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to express that, yes, this is a lot of money to spend on food, but you personally think it's worth it anyway. It's not that you necessarily have more money than them, it's that you'd rather spend your money on tastier food than clothes/sports/whatever else they want to fill the dots in with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To copy my comment on CrazyCucumber's answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found lying about regular things often leads to unforeseen problems. You lie that you use coupons for every meal, well now you're &amp;quot;coupon guy&amp;quot;. That's fine, until your friend tries to ask you where you get your coupons (you are &amp;quot;coupon guy&amp;quot;, after all) and you have no answer. Now you're &amp;quot;always has coupons but never helps others with them guy&amp;quot;. That might make you look worse than &amp;quot;expensive food guy&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People interact to the world as they see it. If you give them an illusion, they'll interact with that illusion. It's almost always easier to share or obscure the truth, not make it up. You do spend more money on food than others. That's the truth. Just present in a way that shows others that's not necessarily a bad thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T21:39:33.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4012" CreationDate="2017-09-15T21:43:57.930" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first time I did a networking event, I did not know what to do. So I just stood somewhere alone in an empty space. That of course, was not the right approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily, this was an event where there were professional coaches present. Let me explain that: I was trying to get into a special schooling program. The program's goal was to re-school people with a university degree (but without a job in their field of expertise) to software engineers. The goal of the event was that each person would talk to several recruiters, because you had to have a place to do an internship and later work, before you were allowed in. This was because the company that offered you the internship was expected to pay half of the tuition fees. To help candidates that were having trouble, a professional coach was supervising and contacted those people that seemed to have trouble navigating the event. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she saw me standing alone, she came to me and asked me why I was not even near one of the recruiters. My reply was that there already where several groups, and I did not want to disturb anyone. Here's what she advised me to do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pick a group. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stand near that group, and listen to what they are talking about.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the topic interest you &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; you are certain you can attribute to the conversation, wait for that moment in the conversation where there is a chance to ask a related question/comment. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be ashamed, and ask that question/make that comment. It doesn't really matter if you are standing a little outside their group. Once they recognise that you are interested in their conversation &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; you have something to add to it, they will make room for you to join their circle. (If not, they are clique-ish people and you will have to ask yourself if you really want to join them, given the effort that such an attempt takes)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Once you have successfully made others aware of your presence, especially at events like this, they will include you in their conversation. If they ignore you, listen carefully to what they are saying. Try again, and if you still can't get in, give up on that group for a while. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Always remember whom you would have liked to talk to from that group though. If the 'contents' of the group change, as they are likely to do at such events, you can seek the interesting person out again when they are in another group, and attempt contact again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, long story short: Hover near a group that you find interesting, pay attention to their current subject of conversation, and ask a relevant question/ make a relevant comment. If asking a question, an &quot;Excuse me, but I heard you were talking about X, (and then your question)&quot; is the most polite way to do something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joining by making a relevant comment is much harder. Although the coach told me this is possible, I don't have any experience with that yet. I usually play safe, and ask the relevant question in the polite way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T21:43:57.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4015" CreationDate="2017-09-15T21:58:16.867" Score="21" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can John let Ashley know that he doesn't share her feelings for him without losing her friendship? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, &lt;strong&gt;you can't.&lt;/strong&gt; The best you can do is tell her the truth and hope that she can be happy as friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By Ashley telling John that she likes him she put herself in a vulnerable position because she left herself open to the idea that John would either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a) reject her and tell her that he no longer wants to be friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b) reject her and tell her he still wants to be friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;c) accept her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If John tells her that he is not interested in her romantically but still wants to be friends and she rejects this, that is on her. Sorry if that's not the answer you were looking for, but honesty is the best policy. I know this might be hard for an introvert, but this is one of those life situations where a direct response is the best solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Addition:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I'm not sure if it matters why you are not interested in a romantic relationship with her, the point is that you aren't. It would be far more destructive to her emotionally in the long run if you were to lead her along, or pretend to be interested in her romantically when you are not. Just be honest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5349" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T01:39:36.020" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T01:39:36.020" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4015" CreationDate="2017-09-15T22:18:52.637" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Through the conversation in comments it sounds like John may be in a catch-22 situation. Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. John has a circulatory system problem that could be triggered by depression...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John avoids romantic entanglement because the stress could literally kill him. Actually being able to die from a broken heart is painfully poetic by the way...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say it's a catch-22, because losing a close friend could be equally troubling and depressing as losing a lover. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all that out of the way, it sounds like John's only hope for survival is to tell Ashley the truth and hope that she understands and sticks around as a good friend. This is entirely possible, but keep in mind that John is asking a lot of Ashley, it's hard to get past romantic feelings once they've taken root.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John's best bet is to &lt;strong&gt;tell Ashley the whole truth&lt;/strong&gt;, explain his medical condition, and why it makes him reluctant to enter into potentially stressful romantic relationships. &lt;strong&gt;Hopefully Ashley will understand.&lt;/strong&gt;¹&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;¹It may be a good idea to have this conversation near medical help, as the conversation may be very stressful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-15T22:18:52.637" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4026" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3996" CreationDate="2017-09-15T23:07:14.530" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find lying despicable.  I also prefer people who don't make their wealth a part of who they are.  If they are a nice person it doesn't matter to me how much money they make or have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone once asked my cousin how much his truck cost and he deflected.  I was curious too so I just went online and found out.  Deflecting, to me, is disingenuous.  If someone asks then they actually want to know or they want to use it against you.  If they want to use it against you they'll find something else because that's who they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your choice is pretty simple, tell the truth, lie, or deflect.  Personally, the choice is a simple one - tell the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you have to do is ask yourself what you want people to say about you - he is honest, sincere, and nice - or something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3013" LastEditorUserId="3013" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T23:39:09.520" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T23:39:09.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4015" CreationDate="2017-09-16T00:16:46.410" Score="8" Body="&lt;h3&gt;John should just be honest.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, in fact, you really have decided not to ever be in a romantic relationship with anyone, tell her that, but also tell her that, despite not wanting a romantic relationship, you respect her and value her friendship. Tell her that you hope this doesn't change your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least this way, she knows that it's not something about her that you're rejecting, but rather that you've just made a decision not to be in a relationship with anyone. And she also then knows that, while you don't want a romantic relationship with her, you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; care for her as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, it will ultimately be up to her whether she's ok with continuing to just be friends or not. You can't make that decision for her, but you can let her know that you do still want to be her friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that, even if she is ok with still just being your friend, things may be a little more awkward than usual for a while and/or she may need some space for a while. If this does happen, though, things will probably eventually return to normal if she shares your desire to continue being friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For what it's worth, I've been in a couple of similar situations and I'm still good friends with both women. Just because you don't want a romantic relationship doesn't necessarily mean your friendship is doomed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="473" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T01:00:23.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3906" CreationDate="2017-09-16T02:10:06.443" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think it's just because he's lazy -- maybe he's just not so good in task management; specifically, recognizing what needs to be done and planning out how to get it done.  Waiting for him to choose to get busy just won't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you take over keeping track of what needs to be done -- maintain a list of what to do today (or in the next few days), without regard to who's going to do what.  Keep the list where you both can see it.  When you need his help, pick something from the list, and ask him to do it.  Allow him some flexibility on scheduling -- no &quot;right now&quot;s if you can help it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of the kinds of tasks we're talking about are quick to do and not so very difficult but there are always &lt;strong&gt;so many&lt;/strong&gt; of them.  And of course, taking care of a new baby is &lt;strong&gt;more&lt;/strong&gt; than a full-time job (disclaimer -- I'm not talking from personal experience here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself struggle with task management; it's tough to keep focused on &quot;work&quot;&#xA;(and I don't mean the paid kind) rather than &quot;play&quot; (such as writing on Stack Exchange!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T02:10:06.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4015" CreationDate="2017-09-16T04:26:52.530" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds fictional - especially the medical condition. I'm not a licensed doctor, but a stress-related condition that would be triggered by a break-up but at the same time wouldn't be triggered by the tensions of 'trying to stop a friendship from blossoming into a romance' seems unlikely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's fiction, I'd recommend having John &lt;em&gt;believe&lt;/em&gt; that his condition &amp;amp; risks are exactly as you describe, but maybe weave into the story arc his becoming aware that it's somewhat of a false limitation he's putting on himself, and explore why he would do that, how he grows struggling with this, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if this is a real-life situation, I would advise &quot;John&quot; that he needs to put this relationship question on the back-burner &amp;amp; concentrate on getting more info, 2nd-opinions, etc. to best manage his cardiovascular condition. Being honest about this will probably be a good solution to the relationship question, at least for a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3710" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T04:26:52.530" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4005" CreationDate="2017-09-16T05:23:25.943" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;For small talk, there are some steps you need to go through in my personal experience. (I am not saying you must. These just work for me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;A. They must be genuinely interested in small talk.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is having their headsets on or sitting in a corner reading a book. It is generally a sign they don't wanna interact with anyone or they are just more on the introverted side. If this is just one-time thing it's generally not worth it to disturb them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;B.  You got to get a common ground for you to start a conversation with them.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking with a random stranger can be an uncomfortable thing for most people. So a random question out of nowhere is gonna be awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;C. Give a little, take a little.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You tell them a little about you and they will feel obliged to tell you something back. Humans generally don't like owing anything so this might work. And think about it why should they tell you something when there is nothing in it for them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;D. Introduce yourself.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel after two or more exchanges, they are chatty, introduce yourself. They might do the same and you can pick up from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how do you do these things then? How to identify the common questions?&#xA;Very simple: on the train, tell them where are you heading and &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to give them topics to talk about. Subtle hints.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi heading to xxx? Me too. I am going to meet my friend; real arsenal (Sports club) fan that one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the above, since you told them why you are going somewhere, people's natural reaction is to tell you why they are going somewhere too. And this is also subtly telling them &amp;quot;these topics I wanna talk about, are you interested?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people are into some sort of club or sports. Gave them hints about the club you liked. If you are lucky, they might join in or at least you will know they are not a sports fan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask an open ended question. If they reply then well and good. Continue from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this traffic we are gonna get nowhere, I wonder what the trouble is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask about the place you are in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beautiful place xxx we are heading to. Do you feel the same? I love it there. You are going there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they reply then well and good. Continue from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to build a rapport and get over the barrier of being a stranger. If you sense they are really not into small talk and are just not open about answering any of these then you need to accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5279" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T09:31:00.337" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3906" CreationDate="2017-09-16T05:26:38.177" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The manner of work you describe, with watching Youtube, drinking coffee, playing games, etc. through such a huge portion of the work day sounds &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; like what I used to do. It got me fired from two jobs for poor performance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the first one, I got by for a while on a combination of partial effort, raw talent, and bs-ing my boss. Then they called me on it, and put me on a performance improvement plan, making it &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; clear that if I didn't shape up &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt; I'd lose the job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I proceeded to work hard and improve my performance quite a bit. ...Temporarily. I could not maintain it. I really tried, having my job on the line was a huge motivator, but as soon as the threat didn't seem quite so imminent any more I slipped back into the same performance-draining bad habits, and they didn't give me a second chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the second job, I didn't last nearly as long, and ended up choosing the severance package they offered as an alternative to the performance improvement plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the next job, my current one, I recognized after a while that the same trend was starting - and my boss was starting to notice too. I went to a psychiatrist and got a prescription to help with it. That was 7 or 8 months ago. My boss noticed major improvement within a few weeks (he told me so directly), and I've been doing a much higher level of work ever since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing that sort of thing when I was supposed to be working was simply something I was mentally unable to not do for any extended period. Wanting to do differently didn't matter. Motivation didn't matter. Organization didn't matter. Crisis-induced near-panic could make a difference, but only as long as it remained at near-crisis levels. Constant supervision by someone who'd prompt me back on-task might have worked, but isn't really a good solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was very hard to a) admit that I really did &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; it and b) stop procrastinating and &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; it, but I'm not sure anything other than getting psychiatric treatment could have helped me to drop the unproductive diversions to a reasonable level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a stranger on the Internet I obviously have far too little information to be certain that this is your partner's problem, but it's something you may want to seriously consider. If this &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; the problem, you may have a major challenge in convincing him about it. Very few people want to hear &quot;you need treatment for a mental health problem.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5849" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T05:26:38.177" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4015" CreationDate="2017-09-16T07:48:27.823" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Truth-1: John cannot go alone rest of his life. Because then he'll die of loneliness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Truth-2: Ashley can easily find other men if John says no to the romantic association which in turn will lead to John being alone = possible death.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Truth 3: John is emotionally wiser than Ashley.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John should sit with Ashley and explain her that he has a health condition and possibly he is not the best person for her in long-term romantically, but as a friend, he can stay with her long-term. This is one part of the discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tricky part is if Ashley decides to sacrifice the friendship part with John for romantic association elsewhere John will be left alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid this the second part of the discussion should be, &lt;em&gt;why Ashley is not the right person for John&lt;/em&gt;. i.e. her excessive emotionalism makes her a big potential health risk to John. Therefore, if they eventually do pursue a relationship it has to be a strictly contained relationship with a clear set of rules and expectations, to manage both:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ashley's excessive emotionalism.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;John's inability to accept that nothing lasts forever.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5855" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T08:25:24.277" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T08:25:24.277" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3265" CreationDate="2017-09-16T08:10:38.187" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What was your boss's response when you said that you are anxious because you can't hear people? I don't know in which country you are, but in the UK your boss should make &amp;quot;reasonable adjustments&amp;quot; (legal term) to help you hear properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In quick practical terms, I agree with some of the things said above, especially the quality tech spec, I would summarise my practical advice as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to get them to help is if you approach (physically, by email or via a one to one call) them (the person who asked for the call or the call chairperson) by explaining things in this structure:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;WHY&lt;/strong&gt; you are &lt;strong&gt;not contributing&lt;/strong&gt; during calls/or come across as &lt;strong&gt;rude&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;HOW&lt;/strong&gt; this &lt;strong&gt;affects&lt;/strong&gt; you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;WHAT&lt;/strong&gt; they &lt;strong&gt;could do&lt;/strong&gt; to enable you to contribute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say to them something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(WHY)&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;During conference calls I just hear garbled messages&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;(HOW)&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;so I become very anxious as I can't understand what is going on&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;strong&gt;(WHAT)&lt;/strong&gt; What would help me to be able to understand and contribute to these calls would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;*You/chairperson/person who asked for this meeting states at the beginning of the meeting that people should not speak fast or over each other, and if they want me to make sure someone understood or contributes to a specific item in the call, to mention their name first: &amp;quot;Mike, what do you think of XYZ?&amp;quot; Also the chairperson of the call stops people when they start speaking over each other and reminds them to speak one after the other. At the end of the call, the chairperson summarises the key actions to take by each person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Check with me at the end of each conference call (and set 15 min in the diary after every call) that I heard and understood all the actions I have to take. This should alleviate quite a few of my anxieties as I will know it's clear what my actions are after the meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If we got x y and z brand of headphones for everyone so their voices are clearer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Moving the calls onto Skype or Zoom or other video conferencing so I can lip read and increase the chance of me understanding what they are saying.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5511" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T08:10:38.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4015" CreationDate="2017-09-16T08:14:24.220" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Emotions damaged his body, so he knows that controlling emotions is key to survival. His cardiovascular system experienced irrevertible damage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John seems to be confusing &quot;affairs of the heart&quot; with actual physical heart problems. He needs to seek help, probably counselling. It just isn't possible to go through life without experiencing emotions, some of which will be sadness and grief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Controlling emotions&quot; - what does that mean? Not experiencing them? You can't do that. If John declines to get into any sort of romantic relations in his life he is likely to be lonely. And &lt;a href=&quot;https://theconversation.com/the-deadly-truth-about-loneliness-43785&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;loneliness can kill&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One day Ashley told John that she likes him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can John let Ashley know that he doesn't share her feelings for him without losing her friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling someone you like them isn't inviting them into your bed. If Ashley says she likes John that should be taken at face value. He has a friend who likes him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4617" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T08:14:24.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4041" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4012" CreationDate="2017-09-16T08:15:25.943" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the points made above and I would also mention this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The easiest groups to get into are the ones which are not a tight&#xA;  circle, but a semi-circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look around the room and wherever there is a semi-circle, these are the people who would easily welcome someone new in the group. It's their body language that tells you they are open to new people, they are doing this unconsciously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you see a semi-circle open enough, go there and line up so physically you are already part of that &quot;group&quot;. Listen to what they are saying and follow the steps people mentioned above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5511" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T08:15:25.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4042" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3952" CreationDate="2017-09-16T09:38:26.967" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;On how to &quot;confront&quot; them - when you meet them next time, just show them how glad and happy you are to meet them. Do not think in terms of confrontation, but more confiding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It's great to be here again, I really missed you guys.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm studying so much, I didn't even find new friends like us four in my new place.&quot; (but in a neutral tone, not whiney)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm still not used to living alone, after all we four have been through.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like that. Let them feel your joy about being there, and if you really feel the need to let them know that you are lonely, then just let them know (without making it a big downer). Avoid, at all costs, to make them feel guilty in any form or fashion - they are not, and this would most certainly drive a wedge between you and them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;fears of losing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is really what you should be working on, by accepting and shifting your mindset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The cold and hard fact is that what you are going through is normal. It happens to almost everyone after school and university. Their 3-group will probably break up as well when they are done with their sports studies, as they will likely work for different employers, get families and so on. People in your live will always come and go. It makes no sense to fear something that you know 100% will happen - it makes more sense to accept it (which sounds easy, but certainly is a substantial process for most people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, &quot;accepting&quot; does not mean that you should forget about your friends. But you need to accept the fact that it won't be as it was in the past. You &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; be less on their mind, and it would really be unjustified to force them to think about you all the time. So, let them live their lifes, as you do yours. If you wish to meet them more often, initiate meetings however you can, but do not feel bad or excluded because they don't seem to contact you often. You see, their &quot;need&quot; for companionship is pretty much served in their group. It is not about them being &quot;evil&quot;, it is just the way it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, the best thing would be if you'd find a new group where you are now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T09:38:26.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4043" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-16T09:47:34.573" Score="3" ViewCount="1838" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was a child, around 10, the brother of my mother sexually abused me several times, he was around 25 to 30 then, it wasn't penetrating but more than fondling, related with ejaculation, his genitals were involved. At that time I didn't know what is happening, later on, when I realized that situation it kept haunting me, I didn't have the strength to tell my mother, but now I have got the courage to do something about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My elder sister came to know about this when one sister of my mother yelled about it while not in her senses due to some mental illness, my sister asked the other sister of my mother and she confirmed it and according to my sister, the aunt sounded like supporting her brother. My sister didn't tell my mother, my mother came to know about it after more than 10 years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I belong to a community where rape is no doubt a crime of highest degree, but exposing rape of a woman punishes the victim as well. the community humiliates her, mocks her and it gets difficult for her to get married. Police are well known for being corrupt and they exploit the situation. And I am sure this is why my mother and sister couldn't do anything about it, they wanted me to forget about it, get married and live a happy life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question is how should I deal with this situation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said the Police is corrupt so it is for sure that I am not going to take any legal actions. Other options are &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Forget about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Expose my uncle by telling it to everyone else. I am sure I and my&#xA;family (my husband, my children, my mother and brothers &amp;amp; sisters)&#xA;will have to face the humiliation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Boycott him (ultimately the news will get spread and point # 2 will happen)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to my uncle, tell him to sorry in presence of everyone else&#xA;who knows about it. (What if he doesn't agree?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell my family and get every single child of my family protected&#xA;(not sure if he is still doing it or felt guilty and back on the&#xA;right track)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please help me and let me know of better options to deal with it with minimum damage to me and my family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5859" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T09:59:10.983" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T11:51:23.020" Title="Abused by my maternal uncle" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-09-16T13:41:25.240" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4045" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4050" CreationDate="2017-09-16T10:52:56.197" Score="24" ViewCount="9172" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a scientific researcher, I occasionally find myself giving scientific talks in the conferences, universities, and colleges. I try to make my talk as entertaining and understandable as possible so that people will become interested in it and won't get bored (say by seeing complicated equations). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I still find that several people from the audience, probably because they are addicted to their cellphones, keep chatting or playing games on their phones. I find this very irritating especially because I try to make sure that my presentation is interesting and I put in a lot of effort into it. Sometimes I feel like saying this thing aloud during the presentation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be fine when I am talking in front of junior students. But when I am talking in a conference or something, I think that this could be insulting to senior professors etc. Nonetheless, since I find their behavior to be my insult, I feel like telling them in a just way so that it would look normal. How can I do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="192" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T08:24:23.587" Title="How can I politely ask my audience to not use their cellphones when I am giving a talk?" Tags="&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;presentation&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4046" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-16T10:55:00.447" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A presentation is when one or more people speak to a larger audience, often with some sort of visual aid, such as a slide show or black-board. Presentations could happen in just about any setting, but they are most common in work and academic environments. Depending on where the presentation is being given, a tag such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/work-environment&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;work-environment&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;work-environment&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/school&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;school&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;school&lt;/a&gt; is a good accompanying tag. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-10T17:13:33.240" LastActivityDate="2019-05-10T17:13:33.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4047" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-16T10:55:00.447" Score="0" Body="For questions related to presenting information in front of an audience, particularly when employing a visual aid. " OwnerUserId="192" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-10T17:13:33.240" LastActivityDate="2019-05-10T17:13:33.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4048" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-16T11:08:02.903" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Too many people including professors are dependent on and addicted to their cellphones so you have a real challenge here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can politely announce right at the beginning of your presentation that you request everyone &lt;strong&gt;not to use their cellphones&lt;/strong&gt; for the duration. That makes your expectation explicit and clear to anybody, so that there is no confusion on the matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not a question of politeness but habit and power that many of them might &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; choose to disregard your request, and you did say they are senior professors and cannot be dictated to. Being more aggressive by insisting on the matter will only antagonize those powerful academic luminaries. In that case you have no choice but to bear with it, I think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently gave a class to unruly youngsters who refused to be quiet during my presentation. My response was to allow them to be distracted (since I was only a guest speaker), but I managed to draw them into my topic in innovative ways and they ended up contributing constructively to the discussion (while still making a great deal of noise, may I add: but youngsters are like that only.) Maybe that is the way to go if you want to get and retain the attention of your audience? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sorry to state that if our presentation is not interesting enough, people will play with their smartphones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note 2: if the audience is not in a receptive frame of mind, it is counterproductive to force the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T11:15:11.917" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T11:15:11.917" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4043" CreationDate="2017-09-16T11:35:01.343" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Thankyou for sharing your situation with us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whilst I'm sure that many people here, myself included, would love to help you deal with this issue, it would be irresponsible for anyone to give the advice you are looking for. We are not professional counsellors or psychiatrists, and are far from qualified to provide you with an adequate answer. I have already posted a list of abuse helplines for different countries, but I'll post it here again:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://togetherweare-strong.tumblr.com/helpline&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://togetherweare-strong.tumblr.com/helpline&lt;/a&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If anyone can find a more comprehensive source, please share it below.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you'd be much better off seeking professional help than asking for advice here. I am saying this purely out of concern for your safety, as listening to incorrect advice could lead to serious consequences. You'd be much better off seeking a psychiatrist or counsellor, or if that isn't available, you could also try contacting a professional online. With that being said, make sure that the person you are talking to has the credentials to provide you with advice before taking it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per Tycho's comment, it would be easier for us to help you if you provided us with a country, as most agencies/hotlines are region-specific. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of wishes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4773" LastEditorUserId="4773" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T11:51:23.020" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T11:51:23.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-16T12:45:49.010" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;Because Mobile phones have made it harder for speakers to compete for their audience's attention, the speaker has to give them more value that their mobiles would never be able to do in that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you have done, by asking them to ask you questions is great! This is the sort of value their mobile phone would be unable to give them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a question of motivation: If they don't want to be there or they are there to tick a box, then you can't stop them, no matter how exciting your presentation is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to stop them chatting on their phones is by breaking them into groups and getting them to agree some questions to ask you or things they should say. This way, in a small group, it will be harder for them to reach for their phones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're speaking at a conference to senior lecturers and your presentation is engaging to 80% of the audience but 20% are on their phones, then I would say you've done well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's their loss, not yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to hate people's phones ringing in class (I deliver workshops and talks almost on a daily basis).&#xA;Before any of my talks I usually start by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Is anyone particularly keen on dancing? If yes, those people who think they'd be interested in doing a dance in front of everyone without any notice, are welcome to keep their mobile phones at full blast. So when your phone rings, I am going to sit and let you come and dance in front of everyone to the tune of your mobile ringing. I've done it with a group of Russian business men who looked like they wanted to kill me, I will do it with you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point, everyone laughs and you see them reaching for their phones, switching them off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5511" LastEditorUserId="5511" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T06:57:19.930" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T06:57:19.930" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-16T12:54:27.010" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm thinking out of the box here so please bear with me (for a bit).&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart from showing a 'no phones please' sheet to the audience while getting ready, these days there is another potentially fruitful way to go:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Use an App for your audience to engage in the subject matter during the presentation, and apply the live feedback in your discourse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While challenging this way will be ultimately fulfilling if successful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are already people taping presentations, doing presentations on-line, etc. This is going forward in the same vein. &lt;em&gt;After all there is no going back.&lt;/em&gt; (Although the no-phone-while-driving app will have another effect entirely of course)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T13:00:10.547" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T13:00:10.547" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4015" CreationDate="2017-09-16T13:14:39.043" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is tricky just because John is so sensitive to emotional triggers.  But because it would probably be worse to leave this unresolved, it seems like a good idea for John to explain to Ashley what he can, without pushing his comfort zone much more than necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If John explains that emotional stress has harmed him and could do further harm, and that he had already decided not to pursue romance with anyone, Ashley might understand that John is not simply rejecting her specifically.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If John explains that he does not wish to lose Ashley's friendship, this might clarify the situation and slightly strengthen the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;John might support this by explaining what specifically he enjoys about being Ashley's friend and spending time with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what John says, there are no guarantees about how Ashley will react.  In the best case, Ashley and John can then discuss how they can both move forward in a way that best supports the well-being of both of them.  In all cases, John can know he was kind, fair, and honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if John's discipline at controlling emotions comes up, I'd advise him to describe it as his habit or viewpoint, and not as a simple fact.  This might confuse or concern Ashley, since it's not humanly possible for such a discipline to do less harm than good.  Still, it's a valid thing to want to explain to a very close friend.  John might be super-human, but I am not, and I once also believed discipline could protect me from emotional harm.  This belief, though, is usually a sign of extreme anxiety, and my anxiety and my resistance to emotions both made my life much more difficult than it had to be.  The only way to overcome anxiety is (perhaps paradoxically) to gradually approach what one fears, beginning with baby steps.  This is not easy, but a professional therapist or counselor can help, and did help me.  I still work on these things, but these days I'm much happier mindfully participating in my emotions and enjoying life.  I'd hope John might some day reach a similar place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4911" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T13:14:39.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3944" CreationDate="2017-09-16T13:32:19.520" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here in multicultural East London, UK, a West Indian might greet an older neighbour with friendly respect as 'Uncle'.  I see you have a similar convention in India.  But, along with 'bro', 'brother' and even 'mate' it may be considered over-informal and cheeky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in an area that has become predominately Asian.  I see on the local Facebook etc. pages a trend to call all women 'sister'.  I have no idea whether this is exclusive to the Muslim community or also covers the Sikh, Hindu etc. sectors.  Anyway, I get the impression that it would be inappropriate for me, a white male, to use 'sister' to an Asian neighbour.  It's an in-group thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably better to err on the side of formality when outside your own sub-community.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also want to know that in English, 'serviceman' doesn't mean 'waiter', it refers to a menber of the armed forces.  In America particularly 'servicemen' are treated with extra respect. The British are rather more laid-back, but you should still know what the word means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4899" LastEditorUserId="4899" LastEditDate="2019-09-12T22:01:50.117" LastActivityDate="2019-09-12T22:01:50.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3833" CreationDate="2017-09-16T13:56:27.893" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an unpronounceable name and I often meet people with similarly unpronounceable ones (it must be a curse or something).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, I always anticipate with something like &quot;you will forget it immediately&quot; or &quot;good luck with remembering that&quot; - in a cheeky tone which makes it easy for them to try again, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They still forget it but at least for the time being they are fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I meet someone with a complicated name, I usually say &quot;I can try to pronounce it right but I fill fail&quot; - with a sorry smile. People who know that their name is tough are eager to help. The ones who do not realize it (a very rare case) are usually happy to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T13:56:27.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4056" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-16T14:30:58.883" Score="0" ViewCount="295" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question came to my mind when yesterday my students were telling their 4-years stories and there were some very embarrassing ones from early semesters and still got the &quot;victims&quot; hiding their faces. Actually such a things happened in our cousins/childhood friends/school/university days (to anyone I guess) and often such a stories end up getting someone deeply embarrassed remembering that moment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suppose person A is in a reunion and such a story about him/her has been brought up during memories, how should one avoid it (assuming person A doesn't like such a story to be reminded back)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorUserId="3670" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T14:48:19.520" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T15:19:38.437" Title="How to avoid an embarrassing story from past on reunion?" Tags="&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;&lt;reunions&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4056" CreationDate="2017-09-16T15:11:05.823" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You cannot control the actions of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The majority of people who get together for &quot;old time's sake&quot; (high school and college reunions) do so to remember the good times they had together back then (not, as you might imagine, to network, learn who is doing better/worse/has changed, other). Since that embarrassing story about you is part of someone's &quot;good times&quot;, it will get brought up. Since you can't control what other people do, you can't truly prevent it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try, however. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say something to the effect of, &quot;Oh, not that boring story again!&quot;, which may cause some to be even more interested in hearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can try to appeal to that person's decency. Maybe a very early, &quot;Please don't,&quot; with a pained look on your face will do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do expect a moment of awkward silence if you succeed, so be ready with a different story of interest to people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Reunion, American Style: The Ritual of Recommuning, in Sociological Snapshots 5.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T15:11:05.823" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4060" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4056" CreationDate="2017-09-16T15:19:38.437" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another alternative is described in &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/a/98687/69130&quot;&gt;this answer on the Workplace&lt;/a&gt;. Its effectiveness depends a bit on how embarrassing the story still is and if you can handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you cannot beat them, join them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Join in. Make jokes about it yourself. Next time someone mentions it,&#xA;  say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;Oh by the way, anybody need the kettle today? I planned on trying&#xA;    chili con carne this time. Ok, just kidding. The kettle is safe for&#xA;    now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There is really no way to hurt you by making jokes about you,&#xA;  when you do it first. They will either laugh with you (not about you)&#xA;  or they will become bored and just let the topic die.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is no way to steer the conversation clear of your story, being embarrassed about it, or drawing attention to it, might only make things worse. The harder you resist, and the harder you make it clear you are resisting, the more people will insist to tell the story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead, &lt;strong&gt;own it&lt;/strong&gt;. If there is no way out, make sure you tell it yourself, and play it down, or make jokes about it yourself. Take away the grass from under their feet, so they can't make as big of a deal out of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T15:19:38.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-16T16:24:57.393" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not so sure &quot;polite&quot; is what you want. As you are the speaker, &lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; need to be polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I present I am happy to tell the audience that phones must be off or on silent mode, and if anyone has to take a call they have to leave. Make it very plain that is one of the rules you start your presentation with. It's not rude. It's just firm, directive and sensible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T16:24:57.393" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3981" CreationDate="2017-09-16T17:08:47.263" Score="3" Body="&lt;h3&gt; You can't. &lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What &lt;em&gt;others&lt;/em&gt; think of you is, most of the times, beyond your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; Note: I'd specifically like to exclude immediate family members and close friends from this categorisation of &lt;em&gt;others&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, don't shoot the messenger just yet. Please allow me to clarify:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some people aren't all that tech savvy, or even computer literate.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Please remember that there might be some jobs that probably you won't know much about and therefore it is entirely plausible that you may inadvertently make someone else feel exactly like how you felt, despite you having no vicious intents. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A classic example of this is (not necessarily the one that you're unaware of): many &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;physicists&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; (and also &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;scientists&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;) really &lt;strong&gt;dislike&lt;/strong&gt; being compared to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;engineers&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, even if they both were working on the same project. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not to invalidate what you feel, but just to indicate that, most of the times, people with reasonably good intents don't even mean to degrade you. It's merely their unawareness or ignorance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; Suggestions: &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt; &#xA;&lt;li&gt; &#xA;If you reliably know of someone's background (i.e. lack of computer knowledge, programming and so on), &lt;b&gt;smile&lt;/b&gt;, explain gently and briefly your inability to help them in that regard, and &lt;b&gt;move on&lt;/b&gt;. Unless you feel &lt;i&gt;motivated&lt;/i&gt; and have lots of spare time, you probably don't want to invest too much energy into explaining the differences between hardware, software and programming to every other person that you encounter.&#xA;&lt;/li&gt; &#xA;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;li&gt; If you don't know of someone's background, don't assume that they would necessarily be computer literate or tech savvy. Then, possibly tune yourself according to suggestion 1.&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;li&gt; If you know for sure that someone's trying to deliberately show you down, whilst being fully aware of your specialisation and the fine differences between hardware and software, I think it wouldn't be unfair to reply with a tinge of sarcasm. Maybe something like: &lt;i&gt;&quot;Sir / Ma'am, I wish I could help. Unfortunately, I'm not as versatile and skilled as yourself...&quot;&lt;/i&gt; ;) &#xA;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T17:08:47.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4069" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4075" CreationDate="2017-09-16T17:41:57.000" Score="41" ViewCount="8499" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Don't be surprised at the use of the plural here. I'm talking about two different people displaying the same behaviour and sharing other characteristics. However, each time only one of them is present - so we are alone in that car.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My front passengers are closely related to me, and much older. They got their driver's licenses before I was even born, so they are much more experienced. I got it a few years ago, and I know the rules better than them. But they are careful drivers and are never involved in accidents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also drive carefully, trying to minimize risks - neither driving riskily (too fast), nor inducing risky behaviour in others (driving too slow), but in accordance with the situation and the rules. Imagine me as someone who just got his driver's license and still follows all rules (and knows them by heart), but with more experience and routine. For sure, I do still lack experience and so I dislike distractions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My front passengers do not fully trust me yet or try to show off their greater knowledge and routine. I am more than glad if people give me helpful advice, but this is not what this question is about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm the driver, they sometimes start to meddle with my driving, e. g. start pointless discussions about what rule I just violated or which turn I should take - reminder: That's when I am right! They already even tried to fumble with the appliances around the driver's seat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more specific instance: I'm taking my close elder relative, &amp;quot;Mallory&amp;quot;, somewhere. After driving for some time, a conversation like this ensues&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory: You didn't need to blink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory: No, not on this kind of road.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: (&lt;em&gt;wondering about that totally strange suggestion&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory: I got my driver's license before you were even born. On such roads ... &lt;em&gt;bizarre explanation follows&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Could we discuss this later?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory: &lt;em&gt;Didn't hear what I was saying.&lt;/em&gt; You understand?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Mallory, please stop it. You are distracting me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory, after some attempts, allowed that discussion to die down. At our destination, she was proven wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just one example of such pointless discussions people try to draw me into. I'm a bit afraid of them, as driving a car demands a lot of concentration on my part. Yet, they seem to take my (relative) inexperience only as a means to score a point in some discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such pointless discussions are annoying and distracting, even if they are shorter. Even if Mallory had been correct, there was no point in discussing it at that very moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this is a real distraction for me. I want to concentrate on driving the car and safely bring us to our destination. Pointless discussions don't drive us forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What are effective ways to deal with a front passenger, who distracts and annoys you?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope for experiences preferably polite ways to shut them down. So maybe think of family members, partners, good friends etc. on the front passenger's seat. I don't want to throw them out of the car!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2020-04-10T09:59:42.763" Title="How to deal with an annoying front passenger?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;driving&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2761" CreationDate="2017-09-16T17:42:56.170" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes things just don't go our way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you control the work environment, well, then, great!  You're in control.  If not, then you're not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;A HREF=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2761/how-can-i-ask-someone-ive-never-met-to-type-quieter?rq=1#comment-9541&quot;&gt;Comment 9541&lt;/A&gt; :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm from one country, this took place in an international setting in a second country, and the other guy is from a third country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go to a remote conference, you need to be able to realize that some things may not go your way.  The furniture may shake, the noise may be too loud, the lighting may flicker, the air may be too smokey, something physical may happen to you (just get too tired and not be in the right mindset), etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If an event that you go to isn't working out well as well for you as you hoped, then just try to make changes, which could involve moving to another desk, or listening to a seminar instead of trying to work, or doing something that will be more mundane and require less concentration, or picking up your laptop and going to your hotel room to relax.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this was an ongoing thing, you could try befriending the person, and explore solutions like using a more stable desk, or having him use an external (quiet) keyboard that plugs into the laptop.  However, based on a comment you made, it sounds like you may have more limited options.  Sometimes, that reality is just something best handled by accepting it, and focusing less about what you would prefer things to be like, and instead just trying more to explore what options &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; appear to be available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;A HREF=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2761/how-can-i-ask-someone-ive-never-met-to-type-quieter?rq=1#comment-9628&quot;&gt;Comment 9628&lt;/A&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm used to working in open office spaces&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Surely you have more space than these folks [&lt;A HREF=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYefhPALCpU&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;YouTube video: train staff&lt;/A&gt; -- what happens at 27-31 seconds just shocked me].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you admitted to traveling, I can only recommend getting used to adapting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T17:42:56.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3996" CreationDate="2017-09-16T18:10:45.633" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to answer, don't.  Deflect the question or ignore it; it'll be obvious soon enough that you're not going to tell them and they'll stop asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, answer &lt;a href=&quot;http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdTellYouButThenIdHaveToKillYou&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you&quot;&lt;/a&gt;.  Or to take the example you gave, answer the statement before the question -- they say &quot;That food smells delicious! How much does it cost?&quot;, you answer &quot;It does smell good, doesn't it?&quot;.  That's also a good time to either offer to share or apologise for not having enough to share.  If they're rude enough to ask again, I think you can be blunt enough to tell them outright that you consider them rude for asking: again deflecting from the question you don't want to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lying about it seems like a good way to get caught out one day: if you always tell the truth (or stay silent) then you only have one story to keep consistent, and that's reality.  With respect to some of the other suggestions: if you start talking about coupons or groupons then what will you do when a friend asks you to share your source, or get them a similar deal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5895" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T18:10:45.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4072" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4015" CreationDate="2017-09-16T18:13:53.550" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Change the world&quot; is codeword for madly in love. I dont know if you're quoting movies here but this seriously smells like fiction and if you're actually going through this, I'm sorry that your life resembles something like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I'm talking to John here who if does have a heart condition, made the post in the most detached manner possible (third person) to not get too emotional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A romantic closeness does not always have to be extreme. It &lt;strong&gt;does not always need&lt;/strong&gt; to cumulate into a relationship &lt;strong&gt;right away&lt;/strong&gt;. They can both acknowledge that they like each other but hold back due to John's problem. Being part of each other's life as friends and living on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Careful though, this would require John to be honest with A about his situation meaning that there's a chance that A might take it as if John's giving her an excuse to reject her. So if John does decide to do so, he must tell A in the most convincing manner possible, and do so with proof. They can both admit their likeliness for each other and then put it aside for the moment. Maybe in the future, John might need someone? Other than that a best friend for life is not bad?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the event John just chooses to be friends with A without revealing the real reason, A might choose to go out with other guys or be out on her own. If John really does not have any real feelings or is able to live with this fact then this is fine. If John, on the other hand cannot live with it, and will in fact feel hurt seeing A with other people then John should be careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talking to a doctor&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John can talk to a doctor about what people in his situations do when faced with high stress situations like romantic situations? Are there medications / stress relief techniques present? Again, &lt;strong&gt;is it all worth the cost of a failed relationship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the best to John.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: John also needs to understand that he needs to give us an update about this afterwards &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5896" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T18:13:53.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3639" CreationDate="2017-09-16T18:27:43.003" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have to be &lt;strong&gt;straight-forward&lt;/strong&gt; here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Please no Selfies, Sir.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I am camera conscious&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I feel uncomfortable giving selfies.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to tell them &lt;strong&gt;emphatically&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;amp; that you strictly mean it. You should not hesitate while saying it. They will understand the seriousness &amp;amp; definitely they will think twice before doing it again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make sure you say it, like you mean it.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5892" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T18:27:43.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4069" CreationDate="2017-09-16T18:41:34.883" Score="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;I faced this with someone my own age who, no matter how much we discussed this, could not be a polite passenger. We're talking bracing yourself against the dashboard as we go around a corner, mashing an imaginary brake pedal, yelling out &quot;look out!&quot; at inappropriate times, along with a general stream of disagreement about the best way to get from A to B.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution: you can't be a passenger. I won't drive with you. If you and I need to go somewhere in a car, you're driving. Every few years, I allow a chance to demonstrate improved passenger politeness and if it's not there, the rule stays. It's been 35+ years so far. The passenger skills have in fact improved very slightly, but more importantly to me, my driving is never criticized. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you are a better driver then your passenger, as long as they are not a danger on the roads, let them drive. If they suggest you drive, simply say &quot;I don't think either of us enjoy that; you certainly let me know you disapprove of my driving.&quot; If you start driving and they start meddling, ask &quot;would you rather drive?&quot; and be prepared for them to say &quot;yes&quot; and for you to pull over and switch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Driving is tiring. Being driven is a privilege. Don't give it to rude people. (Or looked at another way: if you really are terrible, why do they even want you to drive them?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T18:41:34.883" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4069" CreationDate="2017-09-16T18:54:42.247" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in your situation, but I've also been in the passenger's situation. &#xA;Had I not corrected my ex-boyfriend's driving a few times,  we would have gotten in really serious accidents, so for as much I hated doing it, I really had to e.g shout &quot;Watch out&quot; a few times. He hadn't taken a defensive driving course at all to at least have some idea of different scenarios. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Defensive driving courses DO NOT help everyone avoid accidents&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's very annoying and distracting to you to have a passenger comment on your driving especially when you feel you are a careful driver. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how you have responded to the comments about your driving so far, but one suggestion is to block it out and stop responding or trying to defend your driving if you have been. Put some music on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If their motive to correct you or give you advice is for you to become a better driver, then how about use that to your benefit? Just start a conversation about how potentially dangerous distracting a driver could be and how strongly you feel people need to not do that to drivers in general.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even be direct with the person who is doing this while they are doing this and say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I respect you wanting to help me be a better driver but I've noticed&#xA;  that this happens every time you ride with me and I find it&#xA;  distracting and potentially dangerous. I would really like for you to&#xA;  not do that while I drive, please. (We can talk about my driving or&#xA;  You could give me any advice you want when I am not behind the wheel)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a last resort, if that person doesn't respect what you tell them just say you don't think them riding with you is a good idea anymore for the reasons mentioned above. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-12-22T14:12:47.127" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T14:12:47.127" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4069" CreationDate="2017-09-16T19:32:24.123" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest a combination of mindless agreement and a hard firm line against fiddling with the controls. I would not tolerate the latter, I would yell, or at least pull over, stop the car and tell them, &quot;If you do not want to make me crash, keep your hands out of my driving space. Can we agree on that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reply: &quot;I was just trying to...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &quot;I don't care. Use your words. No hands in my driving space. Ever.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides that, driving with my father, I found just mindless responses worked, and eventually he calmed down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: &quot;Slow down!&quot; Me: &quot;That's a good idea.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: &quot;Its a double line, don't cross it.&quot; Me: &quot;Got it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: &quot;She might not signal you know.&quot; Me: &quot;Okay.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: &quot;Get over now, there's always a line for the ramp.&quot; Me: &quot;Yep, let's do it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: &quot;Get in the left lane, get around this guy.&quot; Me: &quot;There's a frikkin' truck there, Dad.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T19:32:24.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-16T20:10:54.337" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;One other thing to consider is that you might be wrong about what people are doing on their phones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I use my phone to take notes at things like faculty meetings and conferences. I find it very convenient to have my notes in electronic form, and using my phone means that I don't have to find a way to lug around and juggle one more thing. If I have an opportunity, I will sometimes let a speaker know ahead of time that I'm going to do this so they don't think I'm texting, but it's not always convenient. If I'm on my phone a lot while you're speaking, it's because I find a lot of what you're saying worth recording, not because I'm ignoring you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously if you can hear a game or movie playing or the person is actually chatting out loud you will know what they are doing, but otherwise, if you have made the standard request for silencing phones and you're in a professional setting I would suggest giving your audience (and the compelling nature of your presentation) the benefit of the doubt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T20:10:54.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-16T20:48:10.613" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But when I am talking in a conference or something, I think that this could be insulting to senior professors etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are correct; it would be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you're actually the organizer of the conference, it really isn't your place to make such announcements. You could, however, contact the organizer ahead of time and request that they include a note in the materials or perhaps make a brief announcement in opening remarks requesting people to be respectful with the use of their mobile devices during talks. But whether such an announcement is made or not is really their call, not an individual speaker's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The absolute most I would do on your own is perhaps including a note at the bottom of your title slide with something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/jE7FX.jpg&quot; width=&quot;30&quot; height=&quot;30&quot; /&gt; Please silence your mobile devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think many people will take offense at that, but anything more than that will likely be seen as insulting or condescending, as you've guessed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Image source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://101clipart.com/silence-cell-phone-clip-art/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;website offering free icons for such uses&lt;/a&gt;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note, I'd recommend trying not to take offense at people merely using their phone, so long as they're not making noise or otherwise being disruptive or distracting to others. It's possible that they're merely taking notes about your talk. It's also possible that they have some other important matter that might require immediate attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, it's also possible that they simply aren't as interested in your talk as they had hoped that they'd be from the abstract or that they're interested in parts of your presentation, but not in others. Different people are interested in different things and there are very few things that everyone will find interesting. It's unlikely that you'll have many cases where everyone in the audience is equally interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't really have any way of knowing whether any of those things are the case. In any event, none of those cases necessarily reflects poorly on you or the subject of your talk. I'd recommend just trying to ignore them as best you can and continue with the talk for the sake of the parts of the audience that are actually interested in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please resist the temptation to treat your audience like children (unless, of course, your audience actually is children.) Professionals at a conference won't appreciate feeling that a speaker is treating them with condescension.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="473" LastEditorUserId="473" LastEditDate="2017-09-16T20:55:26.977" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T20:55:26.977" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4069" CreationDate="2017-09-16T21:03:21.450" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Diplomatic approach:&lt;/strong&gt; use &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Gordon_(psychologist)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Gordon's method&lt;/a&gt;. The root of this is shifting the blame on yourself so the other doesn't have to work to accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You're stressing me out! I don't like to drive while stressed out. It's dangerous. We'll talk about this later, right now I'm driving.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are  many variants, but you get the idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean, you sound like a reasonable and friendly person. From what you say, the only thing you could be blamed about is being too careful. Nothing wrong with that. Don't argue while driving. It's dangerous. Don't let others get on your nerves while driving either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the one in the passenger seat (which, by the way, in my language we call the &quot;dead man's seat&quot;) feels uncomfortable with your driving style, they could express it in lots of ways that don't stress you out... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, one day I lent my car to my ex, which resulted in the following dialogue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me - &quot;You know this car is a lot better than your piece of crap, right?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her - &quot;Yeah, sure! I love it!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me - &quot;It also has much better soundproofing, and a V6...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her - &quot;Whaddya mean?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me - &quot;Look at the speedo.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this she made some kind of funny noise as she realized she'd been going 180kph in a 90kph speed limit zone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Buuuuut, I hope this is not your case. If you make mistakes, take their advice. But if they drive like madmen... don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Less diplomatic approach:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Would you rather walk?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one has its uses. I've used it. It works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Would you rather walk?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T21:03:21.450" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4082" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-16T21:07:00.800" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Movie theaters here use the line &quot;Remember to turn your phone on after the movie.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like this line. It is funny, yet drives the point home. Feel free to use it as inspiration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T21:07:00.800" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3702" CreationDate="2017-09-16T21:11:48.027" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;The Answer: Consultancy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't sold jewelry, but I've sold six and seven figure gigs. This is a good approach for people uncomfortable with flattery and &quot;persuasion&quot; or glad-handing or cajoling or becoming &quot;friends&quot; with a customer, people uncomfortable with lying about discounts and one-time offers that aren't really one-time. People that aren't good looking or charismatic, for that matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It requires some knowledge of your product and how it is used. &lt;strong&gt;You can be yourself!&lt;/strong&gt; (if yourself is a person interested in making a profit by truly satisfying a customer with your product).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This relies on a universal truth: &lt;strong&gt;People love to talk about themselves.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, understand your role and attitude: You are a specialist trying to solve a problem for your customer, but put yourself in a servant role (as most doctors do when trying to understand patients that need help). Dress and act the part (not of a doctor, but this is a similar dynamic). So no ripped T-shirts or sandals; wear a button shirt, pants without holes and closed shoes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Begin with open questions about their situation for this product probably two or three at most. Perhaps here, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Are you looking for yourself, or are you looking for a gift?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;In what kinds of situations would you (or she) wear pieces like ours?&quot; (Examples to help them out: at work? Romantic outings? Events or concerts? Business meetings with clients?&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Is this for a particular event, or to add to your [her] collection?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;What would you say is your [her] favorite piece to wear?&quot; (if not in the answer, &quot;What kinds of occasions do you get that out?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Listen to the answers,&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; These are not idle questions, they need to shape your responses and the range of prices you offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Somebody &quot;just looking for something fun&quot; is looking for a bargain. Somebody attending a business function (promotion party, client meeting) will buy something more expensive; they don't want it to look cheap. Those are the people you can tell about the provenance; it is something they might use; &quot;I fell in love with this piece, it is made by moon elves in a cave in the Philippines,&quot; or whatever it is that makes it special. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, figure out the constraints. Why hasn't she bought something? You know the type of jewelery she is looking for. Say something like (in your words, same ideas) &quot;So you haven't found what you're looking for yet, how would you describe what speaks to you? Is it more the colors or the pattern or the size? &#xA;How about on this tray, can you point out a More Like This, Less Like That kind of example?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Listen,&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and analyze. By talking about themselves they have narrowed your options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your next step: Solve their problem (or tell them your products might not fill the bill). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Let me try a few things, and you tell me if we're on the right track.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep up the interaction, ask her for guidance. If she settles on something, or a few, try to close: &quot;I think that's it, this one [any of these] can get the job done. What do you think?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the close doesn't work, move back to a question. If you detect you aren't going to make a sale, be polite but stop trying to help. &quot;Well, I'll let you think about it, just let me know if I can help.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feel free to compliment them if it feels natural; personally I would talk about how I feel about it: &quot;I love that piece, whoever designed that has an eye for contrast [or drama, or natural lines, etc].&quot; Just make sure you keep telling the truth, it is crucial to the method: People detect lies and empty compliments quickly, even subconsciously. If you are telling the truth and sincerely trying to help (and know your product) you will make sales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are aiming to solve a problem, even an impulse buy of a frivolous item is helping them have some fun in life; that is usually why they are standing at your table. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do NOT think you are intruding to take the initiative with them, many people are shy, and most feel like if they start, you will expect them to buy something, or they will feel obligated to buy something for taking up your time, so they don't start! If you FAIL to engage them you haven't done your job, and without your help they may have missed out on the fun they were seeking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't do that, ask them a question. Then YOU started this thing, and they can proceed to shop without obligation. Maybe they will open up and you can help them find something fun, that in weeks to come they will still be happy they bought. From such a nice man!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T21:11:48.027" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3996" CreationDate="2017-09-16T21:47:55.987" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am getting the sense that you feel very uncomfortable with social interactions. Are you concerned about people thinking you are weird? Skulking around trying to lie or hide things won't help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And on the other hand, if you really don't like other people, then I'm not sure why you care what they think. I'm with the person who says say the truth, laugh it off, and go on with your merry way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is a huge problem for you, I assume that your wealth is much much greater than everyone else's and you feel guilty about it (or people are saying mean things, but you haven't said that). Are you concerned about people being jealous? They probably wouldn't be if you were more friendly or generous with what you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you ever thought about bringing in some food once in a while and sharing it with your friends? Or how about throwing a party? If you really do have that much more wealth then it wouldn't hurt to spread the wealth a little. Not because you have to, but because generous and kind people are much happier and have more friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most important thing, smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5908" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T21:47:55.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4085" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4069" CreationDate="2017-09-16T21:55:21.480" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is one of those things that my ex and I would go rounds about, I've definitely been on both sides of it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would hassle her about forgetting to shift, she would get to third or fourth gear and then get distracted by conversation or something and then just forget the last couple of gears till the poor little Beetle was crying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She would give me often terrible directions. She absolutely knew how to get where we were going, just had a hard time communicating that to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Turn there.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  -Where?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  At the next intersection.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  -Which way?&#xA;  That way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had the worst time trying to convince her that pointing wasn't a great way to give a driver directions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We &lt;em&gt;mostly&lt;/em&gt; solved the directions problem by using Google Maps, on a smart phone it gives fairly decent step by step directions for my area. I say mostly, because she still occasionally argued with the phone. But she stopped arguing with me at least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The shifting problem was a bit more tricky. Mostly I just learned to let it go till the car was really struggling and then I would offer a gently whispered &quot;shift.&quot; Eventually I just bought a newer car and let her destroy the Beetle on her own terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Technically these may not be interpersonal solutions, more using technology to sidestep long ingrained bad habits that aren't very likely to change after many, long painful attempts. Though, sometimes a sidestep is something of an interpersonal skill. Just learning when to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you know the way, but this app has live traffic information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or better yet:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Maybe I'll just meet you there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T21:55:21.480" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3996" CreationDate="2017-09-16T22:19:22.927" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would joke about it. Tell a more obvious lie than you do now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Thirty eight cents, can you believe that? The prices people get away with.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I kind of stole it, so I don't know.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I just found this on the shelf in the restroom, and it's still hot!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Fifty dollars. It seems high but I asked the clerk, she was busy on her phone and she told me it was fifty dollars. So I just put that on the counter and left.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Okay, I wasn't planning on selling it, but if you want it I'll take twenty.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-16T22:19:22.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4087" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-17T00:23:52.183" Score="13" ViewCount="4448" Body="&lt;p&gt;Currently, I live about 10 miles outside Cambridge, UK. My girlfriend lives a similar distance away, but in the opposite direction. A journey to visit her is about 2 hours via public transport, which often we split by each traveling for 1 hour. We don't see each other daily but we do see each other multiple times each week. We've been dating for a month and have been best friends for almost eight months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a week I am leaving to go to university, in Nottingham, UK. This is around 100 miles from her, and this is a 4 hour journey by public transport.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This increased time and cost is going to significantly reduce the frequency with which we will physically be together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to continue this relationship a great deal, but I have never experienced a long distance relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we decided to start dating, we did discuss that we will need to make long distance work, but not how. We have agreed that we will phone often, but not spoken as to whether we want a schedule. I was hoping answers to this question would inform me a little before we sat down to discuss! We will text when we can - that goes without saying. My concern is that if we go for a month without seeing each other and we continue as we are without a schedule it will break down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we ensure regular communication &lt;em&gt;between&lt;/em&gt; our less frequent in-person visits? Should we have a schedule where we phone every evening on specified days, or should we aim to communicate more spontaneously? I’m concerned that if we have a schedule it will become a chore, but if we don’t have one we will slowly stop bothering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a third option?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="30" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-19T14:34:04.270" LastActivityDate="2019-06-26T16:37:12.233" Title="How should I address scheduling phone or video calls with my long distance girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;long-distance&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4089" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-17T01:11:59.167" Score="4" ViewCount="685" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to explain what precisely I'm asking is by quoting an email (minor edits) written to me by a well-meaning person with whom I was discussing a relationships issue. To help ensure that I managed to fully convey how I was feeling (very important to me to be fully understood/not misunderstood), I preferred using emails to communicate, so that I could fully process my feelings and make sure the full picture is conveyed; with oral communication I found you often end up not being able to ‘finish the thought’, especially with more complex feelings, or to express all the feelings which can come bubbling up. Here's what they wrote:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[emphasis added]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to draw your attention to a little point that perhaps will help&#xA;you to understand why &lt;strong&gt;some people may find the communication with you&#xA;difficult&lt;/strong&gt;: You gave a number of good reasons for you preference for&#xA;using the email... I understand that you feel that this is the only&#xA;way how to make your point clear but perhaps this is part of the&#xA;problem – people in therapy and in relations in general accept that it&#xA;is impossible to pass over to the other side all the depth of how I&#xA;think and feel and we have to live with it somehow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all you have been through, it may seem to you that by raising such a small issue I am picking on you but I think that it is important that you realise that with all your gentleness, which is extraordinary indeed, &lt;strong&gt;you are coming across as rather powerful and insistent person&lt;/strong&gt; which&#xA;naturally may draw some unnecessary counter reaction and opposition&#xA;from the other side. &lt;strong&gt;It could be that accepting the limits of what you&#xA;can express rather than driving your point with an absolute clarity&#xA;will achieve better results.&lt;/strong&gt; I am making this point because in our&#xA;meetings your wife was saying several times that your form of communication doesn’t work with her; so perhaps it is the time for trying something new?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a little more context, we're talking about something which everyone would agree is very hard to go through, this therapist understands and agrees. His issue is that I would typically make a list of 6 bullet points going through six emotions I had about the subject, with reasons and justifications for these feelings from my point of view, and the odd example of something which happened to back things up. I accept most people wouldn't do this, as you can tell I'm a very methodical and logical person, but this is how I've always worked, never having imagined that striving for clarity makes me seem inappropriately insistent and is therefore counter-productive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This example relates to emails to my marriage counsellor, who was a little thrown by my methodical approach. I get the impression most clients don't do this. However there are other examples of the same thing from other areas, which although not as important to me, are worth mentioning as I'm comfortable to give more details to clarify my point. For example when my landlord initially refused to fix my garden fence, saying it was my fault for not maintaining the ivy, I emailed back with 4 reasons it can't have been my fault: it fell down only a few months after I moved in, when the ivy was already overgrown; the fence on the other side which had no ivy also fell down; the fences were very old; the wood was rotten through, so it wasn't due to the excessive weight of the ivy. Both then and now all the reasons are good ones, that's not the issue. The issue is generally does striving for clarity reduce impact by making you seem like a nutter (like my wife thought at the time, she's not so methodical).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question isn't specifically about the counsellor/wife, but general. Say you worked in a bank and a client had a legitimate grievance, how would you react if the client spelled out 5 different failings on the part of the bank which led to the issue. Or if you were a journalist, a list of 7 criticisms of a piece you wrote. I'm talking about where all the points made are fair reasonable criticisms. Would you feel he was out to attack you, or just insistently trying to get his way, due to the large number of points and the methodical approach. And therefore it would have been better to just make one or two points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you agree with his point, and if so what would you say is the balance to aim for between clarity and not being insistent - or even better, &lt;strong&gt;is there a way of making your feelings clear without compromising on the clarity yet without seeming insistent?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5917" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T19:14:32.030" Title="Is it mistaken to express feelings clearly and fully in an email?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-09-17T17:05:31.530" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4087" CreationDate="2017-09-17T01:22:31.680" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming she also wants to continue the relationship, I would advise you consider finding some reason to be near her (but not on her doorstep) on a reasonably regular basis, perhaps weekly (or monthly), depending on what feels right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you could get a weekend job in Cambridge, that would give you the perfect opportunity to see her every so often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course it is a long journey, and this way puts all the travelling on you, but I'm not sure how well a distance relationship would work, one would have to know the two of you to know. So I suppose it comes down to whether its worth the effort... which again only you can know&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5917" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T01:22:31.680" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4091" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3833" CreationDate="2017-09-17T01:40:35.193" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Go to a site called Forvo. (I don't want to provide a link lest I trigger a spam filter.) On this site, you can hear words pronounced by native speakers. The name that you want to know about may already be there, or if not, you can request that someone pronounce it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5918" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T01:40:35.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4092" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4097" CreationDate="2017-09-17T02:01:46.280" Score="29" ViewCount="8034" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I know a &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4009/how-to-tell-my-friend-i-dont-want-to-talk-religion-every-chance-he-gets&quot;&gt;very similar question&lt;/a&gt;  was asked only recently by @Bradley Wilson, and another &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3560/what-is-the-most-respectful-way-to-respond-when-invited-into-a-prayer-circle-or&quot;&gt;similar question&lt;/a&gt; was asked by @Beofett over a week ago, but the specific situation and also the cultural context are very different here, so &lt;strong&gt;please don't close my question as a duplicate!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Note 2: The specific religion in question is not relevant because this situation occurs similarly in every religion here. I have added the India tag as a matter of course but feel this type of religious issue would be universal, so &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I welcome answers from members all over the world.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now India has always been a very spiritual country and (not all but most) people of all faiths tend to be quite religious here. They also assume that others are similarly spiritual, even if they are members of other religions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My distant relative who lives in the same city is such a person. He is 66 and a highly qualified Retired Professor of Commerce who happens to have become more religiously conscious over the years and 'feels the divine grace' all around him. That is very fine indeed but for the fact he assumes I feel similarly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is, of course, a typical assumption here, but it is a fact that I don't feel the divine grace all around me. I was given quite a religious upbringing but was always lukewarm towards religion and since I never felt the divine grace they talk about, I have never really been much of a believer, formally rejecting religion in private when I reached my mid-twenties. &lt;strong&gt;I am not against religious belief and might even believe in a 'higher power' myself if I later experience the divine grace conclusively&lt;/strong&gt;, but I am not at all the type of firm believer he imagines me to be, at present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Uncle has been visiting me once in a while and discusses 'spiritual matters.' He is luckily not much for religious rituals and suchlike, but talks to me with the implicit presumption that I too am spiritually inclined and feel the divine grace. He even sometimes asks me about my religious experiences. This puts me in a false position because I am trapped in having to choose between insincere agreement with him and explicit rejection of his ideas. I have uneasily agreed with him so far without much conviction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I can't tell him straight out that I don't really believe in his religion (into which I was born and of which I am a nominal member) or indeed in any other religion or divinity because he would be shocked and possibly tell other relatives and even mutual friends, which is inconvenient for me and  culturally awkward in a predominantly religious society. I also don't want to discuss my lack of belief with Uncle or anybody else who might possibly make it their mission to bring me 'back onto the spiritual path.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that it wouldn't be a real liability for me to tell Uncle or anyone else that I am not their type of believer, and there are no serious social consequences to that nowadays in India, at least in my community, but I simply dislike the type of debate that will follow, demands for my reasons and possible efforts to make me a believer. So my real problem here is I don't want to be pushed into telling anybody that I lack religious belief. [Thanks to @deg who asked for this clarification.] That is why the 'direct' approach is not a genuine option. On the other hand, I feel uncomfortable with putting on a pretence of religiosity for the uncle's benefit, which also seems dishonest to my way of thinking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how to deal diplomatically with this person? My first tendency is to avoid him but that is hardly 'interpersonally intelligent', now is it! Please advise how to deal interactively and constructively with this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T13:22:46.540" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T13:22:46.540" Title="How to deal with a religious relative who keeps assuming that I am similarly religious?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4092" CreationDate="2017-09-17T03:15:56.767" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;I living in rapidly changing society in terms of religious observance and practice, namely Ireland. I previously lived in London and Dublin, and have recently returned to (very) rural Ireland, a place where religion is still very important on a day to day level. I am very lapsed in any degree of observance, only attending on occasions of funerals, etc, where I'm not there for the religion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When devout people meet me, neighbours, family friends and relations, they usually assume that I am nearly as devout as they are!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they try to engage me on direct religious matters, I just say that I keep my religious views very private and refuse to comment further. It might seem a bit rude, but it certainly is better than lying or misleading them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would this approach be acceptable in your culture/society?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T03:15:56.767" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4095" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4092" CreationDate="2017-09-17T03:42:49.933" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't speak to your exact example because of the different countries we live in, but my parents are also of Indian descent, and I am also atheist. I was born and raised in the US. I think I told my parents that I was atheist sometime in middle or early high school. My dad took a while to accept it, but he has.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't personally think it's worth trying to hide your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) from someone when the topic comes up. You shouldn't necessarily announce it to the world at every opportunity, but if someone asks, I'd just answer honestly. If they don't want to accept it, it's their problem. In my experience, the people who don't want to accept it just pretend not to know anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4202" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T03:42:49.933" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4096" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4092" CreationDate="2017-09-17T06:41:24.510" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is an issue for me as well.  I am Buddhist and live nowhere near anyone else that I am aware is Buddhist.  The area I live is predominantly Christian and my own family is devout (large family on both sides and most are local).  I haven't found a good answer.  In my case any level of honesty generally gets only two reactions.  One is to try to save me and &quot;bring me back into the fold&quot; which I don't want to have happening.  The other is to assume it's a phase, like some current fashion.  Once in a rare while someone will respond like they are afraid to have me around their impressionable children because I might pull them away from &quot;the church&quot; with my crazy beliefs.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The one time I managed an open talk to my mother she basically told me I was condemning her to hell &quot;if I did this&quot; because it means she failed me as a mother to bring me up &quot;right&quot;.  Needless to say, I have no need to have &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; talk ever again in my life.  Mind you, when we talked, I was over 30 and hadn't lived in her home or relied on my parents in over a decade.  She wasn't cruel in the way she said it.  She was sad.  She believes this is true.  It makes me sad she believes my beliefs are tied into her afterlife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have a poetic answer that will cover every occasion.  I defer to staying quiet about it, trying to change subjects if that seems possible.  If I am cornered I simply say things that deflect, like if they told me of some time they were touched by the &quot;Holy Spirit&quot; and then want some testimony from me, I simply say that I am sorry that I haven't been so lucky as to have any impressive story to share like that.  With people I am less close to, I still avoid this.  I have learned that it is not well accepted here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I get to know someone well, I will share it.  I have relatives that do know, but only a few.  They also are wise enough to know that they shouldn't randomly discuss it.  I wouldn't ask them to lie for me, but I do prefer they not offer that information up to others if not directly asked.  It's been about 15 years since I became Buddhist and over time it's become more natural for me and I navigate the conversations easier while avoiding saying anything that is likely to cause discomfort by being too open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My spouse is atheist.  We tell &lt;em&gt;no one&lt;/em&gt;, ever.  It's like hanging a target on yourself here.  If you live in a highly religious area that has a predominant religion it's hard.  It's hard too even if the area isn't so much, but your family is (assuming you are close and see them often).  I still attend church sometimes, but for special things.  I will go with my mother for special days.  It doesn't bother me to attend and she uses that I think to tell herself I am still a &quot;believer&quot;.  I am not looking to cause her any strife and I can live my life the way I would anyway, I just don't &lt;em&gt;talk&lt;/em&gt; about it.  For me, this is very livable.  Others I know feel the need to be more open and share what they believe.  I am not wired this way.  I wasn't ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the TL;DR is that if it doesn't &lt;em&gt;bother&lt;/em&gt; you to keep that private, there is no reason you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to share that about yourself.  You can usually deflect, ask them more about themselves and get off the hook of having to talk.  My biggest obstacle is when people ask to &quot;pray with me&quot;.  I hate that but I am not sure how to get out of it.  If asked to say anything I get out of it by saying I am not good with wording on vocalized prayer, they should do it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T06:41:24.510" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4092" CreationDate="2017-09-17T07:34:17.890" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is very, very similar to an existing answer, except it is subtly different enough that I think it is worth mentioning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you can always listen and nod to acknowledge that you're following without ever voicing your view. You should allow the conversation to keep going without your input as much as possible, and only worry about what to say when he actually expects you to say something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So let's say he asks something and your response would be different based on your views.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you respond with &lt;em&gt;&quot;I keep my religious views private&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, you implicitly go into a defensive mode, and potentially open yourself up to further inquisition as to what you exactly mean and why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, try something subtly different (especially note the word &lt;em&gt;personal&lt;/em&gt; instead of &lt;em&gt;private&lt;/em&gt;, and the substitution of &quot;I &lt;em&gt;keep&lt;/em&gt; religion private&quot; with the idea that &quot;I &lt;em&gt;believe&lt;/em&gt; religion is a personal matter&quot;):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Uncle—over the years, I've come to view religion as one of the most personal of all matters.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Unlike many others, I do not view religion as a community activity. To me, religion is a means for finding the right path and values in your own personal life, not a means for people to potentially influence each others' lives. To this end, I only discuss religious topics with others when I find the need for such guidance in my life, and otherwise, since I am also not a religious scholar qualified to give religious opinions of my own to others, it is not a topic that I otherwise feel appropriate to discuss in conversations, whether it is regarding my own views or those of others. I hope you can understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice that this sends &lt;em&gt;quite&lt;/em&gt; a different message from saying that you want &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; views to be kept private, since the topic is no longer &lt;em&gt;privacy&lt;/em&gt;, but rather what you believe is an appropriate topic to discuss with others in the first place.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;With this kind of a response, you're getting across that you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; thought about these issues, and that you believe religion &lt;em&gt;itself&lt;/em&gt; is fundamentally a personal matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T07:34:17.890" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3952" CreationDate="2017-09-17T07:51:43.440" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a similar problem until a few months ago... then I decided to move on, and make new friends. I even asked a related question on this very site: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/221/how-to-be-accepted-back-into-a-friend-group&quot;&gt;How to be accepted back into a friend group?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, most people don't consider you their own after they've spent a lot of time away from you. They change and grow differently from the way you do, due to which they become a little bit different. Also, while you're away, you have no way of knowing what they truly think about you, as you have highlighted that your friends often don't follow up with your invitations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you say that these friends are the only close friends you have, one thing you could do would be to treat them how they treat you, not meant negatively, but in a way that, as you mentioned, doesn't seem too &quot;clingy&quot;. Keep in touch, every once a while, meet up and do stuff that you used to do before, but don't limit yourself to only these people. As far as I know, most people who you don't meet with in a long time tend to forget you over time, regardless of how much emotional attachment they and you shared before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I've had this experience, where my old friends had completely changed, and didn't even accept me back, I'll tell you this much: There is no such thing as a friend... There are only people who you spend more time with, and less time with; people with whom you like to be, and people with whom you don't like to be. In the name of friendship, don't consider that they are the only people who truly care about your interests. Yes, it is good to spend time with people who share an interest, but not doing so doesn't mean you're interests are worthless, or whatever...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Long answer short&lt;/strong&gt;, keep in touch as much as they'd like to keep in touch. Don't over-do it :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T07:51:43.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4092" CreationDate="2017-09-17T10:40:10.453" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your problem is not Uncle. Your problem is YOU. You are what we call in North America &quot;a pushover&quot;. Whenever somebody pushes you just go along with it. Are you going to stand up for yourself and be your own person or are you going to let other people, Uncle for example, control you and tell you what you will talk about and how you will talk about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some of your posts you have said things similar to &quot;that is something we just do not do in India&quot;.  Well, maybe it's time you change that. Next time Uncle attempts to engage you in religious conversation tell him you are not religious and do not wish to engage in such conversation. The exact words you choose are irrelevant.  What IS relevant is that you tell him and, even more important, that if he refuses to comply you DO NOT simply give in. If he refuses to drop the subject then you must tell him that if he persists then there will be no further discussion on ANY topic. If you are in his home then you leave.  If he is in your home then you demand that he leave and if he refuses then you call the police.&#xA;I believe in respecting my elders but there are limits.  I do not allow them to drag me into conversations I do not want to be involved it.  NO EXCEPTIONS! That's the rule and if they don't like it then that's their problem, not mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to tell him directly then listen to what he has to say and when he asks a question or indicates that it's your turn to speak then you simply say something that has nothing to do with his question, like... &quot;So tell me, dear Uncle, what do you think of the price of potatoes in Moscow?&quot; or &quot;How do you like my shirt?&quot; or &quot;I think I will buy a pet bird tomorrow&quot; and then you casually take a bit from a sandwich or nonchalantly drop a candy in your mouth.  Or you just stare at him and say nothing. Whatever you do, do not follow his direction until he moves away from the topic of religion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5929" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T10:40:10.453" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4100" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4103" CreationDate="2017-09-17T11:13:37.497" Score="11" ViewCount="12269" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Music is one of those things which are declared &lt;em&gt;Haram&lt;/em&gt; (unlawful) by Islam, yet there are a lot of people here (and in other Islamic countries) who listen to it. So Music isn't considered a taboo here by the public as do other sins like &lt;em&gt;Vulgarity, Drinking, Gambling, etc.&lt;/em&gt; but still, people know that it's &lt;em&gt;Haram&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Common Situations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will give you some examples of the situations I get caught up in, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sitting in a gathering and someone plays Music on their mobile phone - it gets even worse when they assume me similar to them and often start with &lt;em&gt;&quot;Do you enjoy this song too?&quot;, &quot;Have you seen this movie?&quot;, bla bla.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sitting in a public transport and driver playing music on the bus/van/&lt;em&gt;rickshaw&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Public events and music being played in the background&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to ask someone to stop playing music (or use head-phones if it's very necessary) without sounding a religious person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I have tried so far&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When loud music is played around&lt;/strong&gt;: I find it easier to stop them as I simply say &quot;Please attenuate the volume of music, I am studying/doing my work&quot; - though I am yet to find a way to stop them once music volume is somewhere between inaudible to too noisy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Events which may have music&lt;/strong&gt;: It's an easy one as I simply refuse to attend them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Public Transport&lt;/strong&gt;: If music is being played, then I don't sit in that vehicle; if driver plays music mid-way through the journey, then at times, I ask him to stop but often it leads me to sound stupid as everyone stares at me as if I am alien. Also, I can't lie that I am having headache or reading, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T01:45:50.807" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T04:30:20.017" Title="How to ask someone to stop playing music without sounding religious?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="14" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-09-19T12:32:07.673" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-17T11:40:53.310" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's common courtesy to turn off your phone when someone gives a talk. There is no need to being polite at all when you tell people to turn off their phones. If someone's phone rings because they were careless, everyone will expect them to turn the phone off as soon as possible. Should they actually start talking on the phone, then you have the microphone, you tell them that if they want to talk, they should do that outside. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T11:40:53.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-17T12:00:25.510" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have attended many scientific conferences and given many academic presentations and seminars, and I have never once seen somebody talking on their phone during a session. If people are talking on their phones, that is completely unacceptable and you should just ask them to stop. However, since I have never seen this, I'm going to assume that by &quot;chatting&quot;, you mean using text-chat apps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, get over yourself. You're not a school teacher. You have no authority to tell your audience what they may and may not do. Audience members are adults and free to do as they please, as long as they're not being disruptive.  Silently using a phone or other electronic device is not disruptive.  Note also that many people use their electronic devices to take notes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also need to bear in mind that talks at scientific conferences are so specialized that it's not unusual for a fairly large fraction of the audience to stop understanding by half-way through. Once you've lost somebody, you can't expect them to pay attention to you any more&amp;nbsp;&amp;ndash; they're just waiting for your talk to finish. Indeed, there will be plenty of people in the room who aren't interested in your talk at all, but are only there for the one before and the one after: it's not always convient to move in and out of the room in the middle of a session.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can you do about it? Grow a thicker skin. Give more interesting talks that more of your audience can understand. Devote your attention to the people who are listening to you and ignore the people who aren't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3053" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T12:00:25.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4100" CreationDate="2017-09-17T12:01:36.957" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, not everyone interprets the religion the same way. Some consider it haram, some don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's not much you can do here to change others. To your friends who already know your beliefs, you may remind them that you wish they would stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than that, you cannot tell others to stop playing their music. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've travelled in a lot of buses in India, and in most of them, they play some crappy song, which I find irritating not for religious reasons but, because I hate the song.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do try and ask the conductor if he could reduce the volume, and sometimes they do reduce it for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the persons around you are of the same religion, their dedication to following the religion may be different. They might &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that it's haram, but do it anyway, or they might not even consider it haram. Telling them that the religion does not allow it will most likely backfire on you, and they will think that you're acting like you're better than them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(edit: I don't know for sure whether music is haram, and I'm not taking any sides on that matter.)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T15:46:25.550" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T15:46:25.550" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2017-09-17T12:01:51.960" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You have to tell Bob to stop. Today.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your keeping quiet is probably making him feel all the more excited.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;How often does this so-called friend have to innocently brush his hands against you before you speak out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob is most likely interpreting your silence as permission to continue. He's not thinking about his friend, he's thinking about getting &lt;em&gt;laid&lt;/em&gt;. Alone, at home, he's fantasizing that you secretly find him attractive, that you would respond to his advances if it weren't for your boyfriend. Bob only yearns for the moment when the two of you are alone, and then finally you can confess your true feelings for one another. Yes, he is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forbidden lust combined with sexual fantasy make a potent and irresistible aphrodisiac. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell Bob to stop coming to your house. Tell Bob that you have told your boyfriend. Tell Bob that you are not sexually attracted to him. (Who cares if you hurt his feelings). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him over the phone, not face to face, and do it today. Also, text Bob and then show the text(s) (including Bob's replies) to your boyfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T12:01:51.960" CommentCount="2" CommunityOwnedDate="2017-09-17T12:01:51.960" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4105" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4089" CreationDate="2017-09-17T12:35:00.707" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In situations like counselling, oral communication has 2 advantages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) it is better at conveying feelings. in written form (especially e-mail) feelings are not very well conveyed. After all, you don't hear the tone of voice, see the gestures and facial expression. There is no direct interaction&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) with a written email, the recipient (counsellor) feels dictated to and doesn't feel he has a chance to get his two cents in or make any input. Instead of being able to communicate with you directly, the recipient just sees a (not literal) wall of text, they now have to go through. It is impersonal, they have to swallow it wholesale, without being able to reply immediately, and they don't see you - it comes a bit across as if they were talking to a machine or robot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However the counsellors precise wording was &quot;people in therapy and in relations in general accept that it is impossible to pass over to the other side all the depth of how I think and feel and we have to live with it somehow&quot; - it is debatable whether a counsellor should be telling a client not to try to express the full depth of what he thinks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With regard to professional relationships like with the landlord or bank manager, it would generally be considered more acceptable to give more details in a written email, as they are paid to provide you with a service, and the purpose isn't to convey feelings. Also, if the other party seems to be treating you unfairly by dodging their obligations, it is reasonable to go into more detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5917" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T12:35:00.707" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4100" CreationDate="2017-09-17T12:42:40.323" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;As others have noted, it can be hard to get other people to do what you want. However, you could try and avoid or ignore it as well as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sitting in a gathering and someone plays Music on their mobile phone - it gets even worse when they assume me similar to them and often start with &quot;Do you enjoy this song too?&quot;, &quot;Have you seen this movie?&quot;, bla bla.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a tricky one. You say you have tried to use the argument that you're trying to concentrate on work/study and get distracted. This is a valid reason to ask to lower the volume. And has nothing to do with religion, so you shouldn't get as weird looks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could ask someone to put on headphones, but this is not always a reasonable thing to ask. Instead, you could &lt;strong&gt;don headphones yourself&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get a set of noisecancelling headphones and either play white-noise or something neutral like the sounds of a beach. This should block out the music around you, without bothering anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-17T15:18:54.787" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T15:18:54.787" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4108" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-17T13:19:57.007" Score="11" ViewCount="2741" Body="&lt;p&gt;Usually, I come across as someone who often makes jokes and not very serious about things in my life. However,  this has resulted in my friends not taking me seriously even when I want to tell them a serious issue.  How do I change this when the impression of me has already been fixed in their minds?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example when I tell them a plan for a group project or, like maybe not to disturb me while I do my work,  they will jokingly dismiss me and continue with what they are doing because they assume I am joking with them as well and when I put on a serious face,  they will just find it funny and this annoys me to the core. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5137" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-26T16:42:59.470" LastActivityDate="2019-03-26T16:42:59.470" Title="How to get friends to take me seriously?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4100" CreationDate="2017-09-17T13:52:19.390" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you can do much beyond what you have already tried.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's one thing if they are playing music at extremely loud levels in public spaces.  Then you should be able to ask them to keep it down anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's music being played in a non-disruptive fashion, this becomes more of a personal issue.  As long as playing music in public spaces is not illegal, I cannot imagine that they have any less right to play music than you do to avoid it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest getting a pair of high-attenuation headphones, or earplugs.  This way, regardless of the situation, you should be able to block the sound personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in a situation where you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to listen for something; I think it would also be acceptable to ask for the music to be turned off.  You could justify that by saying the music would not allow you to focus on what you need to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1734" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T13:52:19.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4108" CreationDate="2017-09-17T15:07:55.727" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a familiar problem. You have to keep in mind that what might appear as an obvious joke to you, could appear completely serious to others. You notice that by you joking around, you have confused the barrier between seriousness and joking enough for others to be unable to tell the difference. As a reaction, they will just assume you to be joking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fixing this will take time. Make sure that whenever you are serious, and want to be taken seriously, you tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey guys, I'm not joking around, I don't have time right now, I have work to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously now, I have work to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first they will just assume it to be a joke, but if you make sure that whenever you say &amp;quot;seriously now&amp;quot;, you actually are serious, and whenever you are serious, you make it clear that you are, they should catch on soon enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also goes for serious faces and such, make sure that you act serious if and only if you intend to be taken seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally like to make puns and random jokes, and sometimes I think I am being obviously ironic, others are unable to tell and take me seriously. This is something to be aware of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, know when it is appropriate to make jokes and when it isn't. Make sure to flip the switch whenever it isn't. Make sure that others see that you are not just about joking around, but that you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; able to flip the switch. That should also allow them to recognise you being serious more easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T09:08:09.633" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4108" CreationDate="2017-09-17T16:33:24.353" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is very much like a problem I faced in my early 20s. I would always find something funny in everything (yep, everything), and liked to prank and joke with my friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something I found make them take me seriously was being consistent whenever I want to be taken seriously. When they dismiss your statement, keep your eye contact, &lt;strong&gt;prevent the urge to laugh&lt;/strong&gt;, and repeat yourself again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time, they learned to differentiate between whenever I'm joking or not. I'm still my usual self, but have since earned my respect in serious occasions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Train yourself not to laugh, even at the funniest jokes. That will help you greatly.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="4773" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T01:37:30.000" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T01:37:30.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4087" CreationDate="2017-09-17T16:42:58.593" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; Firstly, you're going to love Nottingham. It's a great place to study/live. There are plenty of things for you both to do when your girlfriend visits. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I studied in London, my girlfriend at the time moved from London to study in Nottingham. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We made a deal to try and visit each other once a month, she went to London and I went to Nottingham. We both shared the burden of traveling that way, but we didn't always do it (because of exams/money etc...), we just did it when we could.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We arranged a skype/facetime call once a week to catch each other up&#xA;on what we were doing such as the bigger things (university/work stuff) and then we just casually spoke on social media (sharing things with her) and text (just spoke when we could).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We didn't set everything in concrete, so it wouldn't put pressure on both of us to make sure we &lt;strong&gt;had&lt;/strong&gt; to do anything, but more we just did it casually. We happily did this for two years before I actually moved to Nottingham. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, what I'm saying is have some general ground rules/schedule, but don't overthink it. Excessive communication can kill a long distance relationship, too much pressure can too. You just smash out university, enjoy yourself and talk to your girlfriend as and when you can and she'll reply as and when she can. These rules don't have to be set in stone, but it should be something you're both happy to try and give a go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, how much you communicate doesn't define how much you care for each other. It's what you communicate when you do that matters most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-17T16:51:55.780" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T16:51:55.780" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4089" CreationDate="2017-09-17T17:03:53.417" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Say you worked in a bank and a client had a legitimate grievance, how would you react if the client spelled out 5 different failings on the part of the bank which led to the issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know all about the aforementioned 5 issues, because you had time to think about it. But the bank teller only opened your file five minutes ago, he's much less familiar with your case than you are. In your mind, everything is crystal clear, but he doesn't know everything you know. So, if you list all your problems at once, even in a well-organized bullet list, he will be overloaded with information. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you talk fast, you're putting pressure on him to follow your pace, but he can't, because he misses information. When you reach point 4, he's still trying to understand point 1, so this won't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you sound like you're accusing him of all your problems, he's less likely to take your side and help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing wrong with saying &quot;There are several issues I'd like to discuss, which one would you like to start with?&quot; Then you give him a printed bullet list (since this seems to be one of your habits). He can read it at his own pace, and ask for clarification at any time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also point out one of the issues and say &quot;Yeeeah, that's just me nitpicking but I really like to do things by the book.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him choose the order in which he'll solve your problems, relax and be friendly and helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or if you were a journalist, a list of 7 criticisms of a piece you wrote. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really like to have things organized!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm talking about where all the points made are fair reasonable criticisms. Would you feel he was out to attack you, or just insistently trying to get his way, due to the large number of points and the methodical approach. And therefore it would have been better to just make one or two points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use the &lt;a href=&quot;https://personalexcellence.co/blog/constructive-criticism/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;feedback sandwich&lt;/a&gt; method.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;7 criticisms is way too much, focus on one or two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First layer of the sandwich is complimenting their work, second layer is constructive criticism worded as suggestion of imrovement, last layer is reminding them that you're doing this to help because you like their work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what would you say is the balance to aim for between clarity and not being insistent - or even better, is there a way of making your feelings clear without compromising on the clarity yet without seeming insistent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no generic way, you should adapt your discourse to the other person and find a common ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other is very rational and not prone to switching to emotion-based thinking then you can fire up the bullet lists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, chop it up in easy to digest bits. Oral communication in this case has a huge advantage: you can let the other choose their own pace (which slows things down if they're not rational) but they can point out stuff you hadn't thought about (which makes things faster). And, of course, listen to what they say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/JamesADamore&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This guy&lt;/a&gt; mistakenly thought other people had the same thinking patterns as himself, with predictable results. The interesting thing here is that it was obvious he'd get fired for that memo, but although very smart, he didn't see it coming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T17:03:53.417" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3944" CreationDate="2017-09-17T17:33:05.097" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Calling a stranger &quot;Onkel&quot; (or even worse &quot;Opa&quot;, grandfather) in Germany would be equivalent to calling them a &quot;geezer&quot; in native english speaking countries. &quot;Onkel&quot; is never appropriate unless the person addressed is either your uncle, or a good friend that is fine with that nickname.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To make it worse, using any job or relationship description as a single word (there is a difference between &quot;Herr Wachtmeister&quot; and &quot;Wachtmeister!&quot;) to address someone kind of implies using the &quot;Du&quot; form of address without being invited to, which is considered &quot;sometimes out of place&quot; by everyone - and always considered very rude by the older generations (say, anyone above the age of 40). Even worse, some people understand a seemingly intentional inappropriate use of forms of address as an attempt to start trouble - a business owner suddenly called &quot;Onkel!&quot; by a patron would probably wonder if someone is threatening him - kind of on the level of addressing a shopowner &quot;Ey, geezer!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T17:33:05.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4092" CreationDate="2017-09-17T18:52:21.967" Score="4" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Why does he visit you?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you understand why he does what he does, you can think of ways to give him what he requires while making him let you off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may realize you fake the belief and want to &quot;strengthen you&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may be lonely (perhaps also because he annoyed others and they avoid him)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps someone else in the family set him off (watch English Student, I think he may be undergoing crisis of faith, help him with your experience Uncle)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps he believes you to be his spiritual successor?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And others. Depending on what is he after AND WHAT YOU WANT out of that situation, you will have to choose your strategy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Strategies&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The already suggested one - honesty. Means the path of drama and conflict and you perhaps fighting for your beliefs or for your right to separate from beliefs of your community. Which you don't like that much else you would have accepted those answers that opt for that path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Be the bigger zealot.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come up with rituals, questions, problems and others he will not like and talk to him like &quot;it's true faith only if you walk the path of fire&quot; or whatever else that ups the game. Does he dislike waking up early? But that's when you should pray the most! Does he like wine? But it's good only for heathens! And so on. Make it inconvenient for him to talk with you about faith. This always looks great in comedies, right? There are problems though. One: you are essentially lying (some will understand white lie, some will say you played him for a fool, some will say he got what he deserved for intruding too much, some will say you dared toy with older Uncle who only meant what's good for you). Two: your reputation. You are bluffing your way out this way, but you need to be able to pick up the ante. If you say &quot;we should not drink wine this offends God&quot; and he agrees... you can't drink wine where he sees. So pick your way of showing piety/zealotry carefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;I am not ready&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that what makes you uncomfortable is when he asks for your experiences. Say you are not ready to discuss this. Express your discomfort, the fact you have no good words, that you can't talk about it as well as he can. This will be also a way to find out if he's visiting you for your or his own sake. If he will quickly accept this and go on about himself, he cares about somebody who would listen to his preaching. Or who would make him less lonely. If he will try to get your answer and encourage you to talk or to offer support to help you, he is seeing you as someone who needs his help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Redirect him&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mention to elders in your family that Uncle is lonely and that you cannot properly manage the situation (&quot;I'm too young&quot; may work wonders here). Say that a woman is needed. Perhaps someone will want to play the matchmaker?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let Uncle know that you feel he would be a great volunteer in a local hospital or that some university is struggling for they don't have folks who would teach XYZ which he is good at. Perhaps help arrange someone else mention that for him. Find him something that will occupy him, ranging from a chess partner, scientific study, research material, puzzle down to someone else in the family (or in the neighbourhood) who may need him more (or even a woman).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Find a mediator&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to someone in the family (or in your circles) who would be able to get him to stop or at least slow down. Tell them he is pressing you too much or that it is disruptive... get them to intervene. Perhaps his senior colleague from work? Or his great-aunt or your grand-mother? There certainly are some people whom he respects and to whom he would lend his ear if they were to say &quot;if you pester English Student too much this is not good&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Avoid him&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obvious, but may be tiring and if he's persistent - ineffective. Also, if he calls you in advance and asks you to find some time for him and social contract makes you the bad guy if you don't then this may not work, but...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cut down on your free time. Find activities where you are required and essential. Activities that he (and others) can't fault you for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5945" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T18:52:21.967" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4100" CreationDate="2017-09-17T19:12:07.933" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't understand if your concern about sounding religious is that you don't want people to know you are a Muslim, or you don't want to come across as proselytizing, or you are not sure about the status of music in Islam (where reasonable scholars can disagree over what a Hadith does or does not say, after all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is the first, this is a little worrying. You're either ready to stand up for your beliefs or your not. Which is it? You don't have to be a jerk about it but a simple statement that you don't listen to it as you believe it is not supported by Islam is fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's the second, there are many ways to do it. You can say you don't listen to a lot of music. Or that that particular kind of music gives you a headache. Or that you are trying to simplify your life and learn to really &quot;hear the world&quot; again. Or that you've found that not listening to music allows you to be more open to God. Really depends on the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4365" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T19:12:07.933" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4069" CreationDate="2017-09-17T19:18:39.380" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;One way is to escalate the seriousness of your issue, in a safe way. When they start these comments, stop at the first feasible spot (need not be a safe parking spot, could easily be the blind 2-3 meters at the front of a bus stop, a emergency bay, ..., because you are in an emergency in a sense). Turn to them and explain to them that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; can not drive when someone makes ridiculous, distracting and negative comments about your driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offer them some options at that very moment you are at the road side. You can consider this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say you won't drive them anymore.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer them to drive (if you feel it safe; this is discussed in other answers).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them not to comment on your driving anymore (basically giving them one more chance to start to behave).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them if there's anything specific they don't like about your driving patterns (because there might be something specific like that they actually don't like you driving too close to the edge of the road or whatever, and this stresses them out and then they're stressing you).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to solve it instantly has the advantage that people are actually involved and need to solve it before carrying on. On the other hand, be sure you are able to manage the situation without getting angry, because if not, it can't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastEditorUserId="3840" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T10:06:15.033" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T10:06:15.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4120" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-17T20:13:48.860" Score="24" ViewCount="8525" Body="&lt;p&gt;This afternoon my parents visited me. It was all pretty normal until just before they left, they told me that my estranged grandfather apparently suddenly felt the need to donate a large gift of money to all his grandchildren. Then they handed me an envelope containing a considerable amount of money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently, he gave a set of these envelopes to my uncle, who then gave them to my parents, who then gave them to me and my siblings. I haven't spoken to my grandfather for years and neither have most of his other relatives (outside my uncle) for some family-related issues (which are a long story).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I heard (indirectly) the reason for this was apparently the death of his sister and seeing how much of a hassle inheritance law was. My uncle said there's no intention to guilt us into anything; he just wanted to get the money to us in an easier way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a particularly outgoing or socially strong person, and my grandfather has a long history of being selfish and peculiar. It's not that I really dislike him, but he's often rather reclusive and I have a hard time maintaining good ties with my family even when those members make an effort. Obviously I feel that I should thank him for this gift, but I'm a bit stumped on how to go about it. What's an appropriate way to express thanks here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(My grandfather lives within travelling distance, and I can get his current address through my parents. I don't think he's using a computer.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T05:48:31.207" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T10:05:33.220" Title="Received a large monetary gift from an estranged grandparent - now what?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;grandparents&gt;&lt;estranged-relations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4120" CreationDate="2017-09-17T21:10:54.813" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in the US, and whenever I'm in a situation like this--someone gives me a message through a third party--I usually ask the third party for advice about how to respond. I find that this is helpful for several reasons. First, the third party who delivered the message often knows the best way to reach the person who sent the message. Second, there sometimes is a reason why the message was sent through a third party: maybe the person sending the message doesn't feel comfortable talking to me directly, etc. I've found that the third party usually can give me some advice about how to navigate through any interpersonal minefields that might exist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I don't know the specifics of this incident, since your uncle is the one who originally received the money, I would recommend asking your uncle what the best way to thank your grandfather is. Your grandfather most likely had a reason for wanting to communicate through your uncle, and will therefore be more receptive if you communicate your return message through your uncle as well. And it's likely that your uncle knows more about your grandfather than you do; your grandfather is your uncle's  father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user288" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T16:41:52.340" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T16:41:52.340" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4120" CreationDate="2017-09-17T21:50:46.110" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;Write a kind letter, expressing appreciation for the gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very thoughtful of your grandfather to try to eliminate some of the hassles involved in the distribution of his estate after he passes. You can at least say that much (just the thoughtful part, not why) truthfully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the US, a thank you note is not considered enough if all it says is &quot;thank you for the gift.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's considered polite to explain if the gift will help you and how. Then repeat your thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My uncle said there's no intention to guilt us into anything; he just wanted to get the money to us in an easier way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There seem to be absolutely no strings attached to the gift. You don't suddenly have to like him, invite him to visit you, go visit him, or forgive him for being difficult. A no-strings-attached gift requires only a letter of thanks (unless your uncle was holding something back from your parents.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be as easy as,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Grandpa (or whatever it was that you called him when you were talking with him), &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My mom and dad just surprised me with your very generous and thoughtful gift. Thank you so much!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As I'm still paying off college loans, this will help me to become debt-free, and the rest will be used towards a down payment on a house, which my wife and I were planning to buy as soon as we could save enough. So your gift is a huge help. I will think of you often as we start fulfilling our dreams!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope this finds you in good health,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Gratefully,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Erik.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I have recently started to disperse of my &quot;estate&quot; similarly. There are no strings attached to the monetary gifts I'm giving my kids, except one: use at least some to have fun with.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="1725" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T07:19:33.720" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T07:19:33.720" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4123" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4100" CreationDate="2017-09-17T22:33:00.830" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;All power lies in self-control.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to change things about your environment that you are obviously powerless over, you have no control in these situations, and seek to be deceitful as a means to gain your control, which seems to only contradict your faith. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My roommate isn't clean, I can't change that, so I focus on self-control, which leads me to being humble of the situation, and cleaning more than I should. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The room stays clean, but only because I acknowledge that life and power is received through sacrifice, which gave me self-control and the power I wanted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't control your environment, control yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4461" LastActivityDate="2017-09-17T22:33:00.830" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4128" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-18T04:02:21.227" Score="64" ViewCount="12678" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in Japan. Japan still has a very cash oriented society especially when it comes to restaurants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often someone will visit from out of town and will expect to be able to (1) pay with a credit card and (2) pay only their portion on their card. This often ends up turning into a 10 to 20 minute fiasco. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, all the locals are shocked. Then, they have to call the restaurant staff over and ask. Usually they ask &quot;is it okay to pay with a credit card?&quot;. In those rare cases where it is okay, the guest from the US asks &quot;Can I just put my portion on the card?&quot; and then the restaurant hems and haws as it tries to find a way to accommodate them but has no experience doing so and/or has no facilities and ends up having to call neighboring restaurants or the credit card company etc..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I communicate to the visitors they're being jerks by not accepting the local customs and using cash?  That they're embarrassing our entire group by putting the restaurant owners on the spot?  And, that they're wasting all of our time by causing this commotion in the first place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One guest recently did this 5 times in a row and the first time was the worst in that not only had the restaurant never charged a card but they accidentally charged the entire bill. They had no idea how to undo it (having never needed to before). They called their credit processor but it was after hours and no one was answering. So they apologized profusely and asked if the guest could come back the next morning. After another 5 to 10 minutes of negotiation one of the other employees got through to the credit card company and was able to void the payment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'd think after all that the guest would not do this again the next 4 times we met up (groups of 8-12 people) but nope. Every single time they tried to pay with a card and it was a big ordeal as the restaurant tried to deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, Is there a polite and friendly way to say, &quot;Please consider carrying cash while here. Asking to use a card is putting a burden on everyone around you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update: viewing the responses and comments there are a few things people seem to miss&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The 1st store didn't advertise it takes cards. It did &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; have a sign saying &quot;ccards accepted&quot;. That they had a card processing machine is a separate issue from actually accepting cards. They may have been given the machine for free as part of some larger service but had no intention of using it. Maybe they didn't want to pay processing fees. Being a Japanese store no customer ever in this history of their store had ever asked to pay with a credit card. But, being an accommodating is a Japanese custom, especially when it comes to foreigners, they felt obliged to try to accommodate the customer. It would clearly have been smarter of them to just say no but being the first time they've been asked they haven't realized that yet. But, that's not really the point of this question.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The question isn't about just the fact that many Japanese stores don't take credit cards. The question is also about a particular person who time and time and time and time again was too oblivious to see how much of a pain they were being to all their friends and the stores and how to bring that up with them. It's good to know how to tell friends before they visit and those answer are appreciated. But, this particular question is also about how to bring it up to someone that should have already gotten the message after the 1st time let alone the 5th.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bad way would be something like &quot;Hey friend, have you noticed how much a fiasco paying with a credit card was the last 5 times you did it? Any reason why you keep insisting on subjecting us to this fiasco instead of just carrying cash like everyone else here?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This also isn't just about asking to pay with a ccard. It's about asking to pay just their individual portion with a ccard after the meal.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3783" LastEditorUserId="3783" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T16:09:33.160" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T16:09:33.160" Title="How do I deal with people who can't deal with local payment customs?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;japan&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4131" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-18T04:49:14.767" Score="12" ViewCount="1453" Body="&lt;p&gt;The day after the United States 2016 election, I attended a public political discussion club in the United States. I personally am very left-leaning, but this club was a conservative club; in fact, the name of the club was &quot;[location name] conservatives&quot;. I'm not a regular attendee of the club, but I knew one or two people, and it's relatively normal for people to not attend regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the discussion, the conversation of Hillary Clinton's emails came up. If you weren't following US politics, there was a huge controversy during the election about Hillary Clinton's use of a private email server. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.cnn.com/2016/11/06/politics/comey-tells-congress-fbi-has-not-changed-conclusions/index.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Several days before the election, the director of the FBI released a letter saying that they had discovered new evidence pertaining to the controversy, only to, after reviewing the evidence, make no changes to their earlier determination regarding Clinton's wrongdoing&lt;/a&gt;. Donald Trump had this to say about Comey's actions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can't review 650,000 new emails in eight days. You can't do it, folks,&quot; Trump said, adding, &quot;Hillary Clinton is guilty. She knows it, the FBI knows it, the people know it, and now it's up to the American people to deliver justice at the ballot box on November 8.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the political discussion group, someone repeated Trump's claim: that it was impossible to review 650,000 emails in eight days. I spend a lot of time following politics, so I knew that you actually could review 650,000 emails in eight days: you use software! &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wired.com/2016/11/yes-donald-trump-fbi-can-vet-650000-emails-eight-days/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here's a good explanation of the process from Wired&lt;/a&gt;; a Google search for &quot;how did comey review 650,000 emails&quot; turns up dozens of articles from reputable sources saying the same thing. I felt that I was on pretty solid ground with the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I spoke up. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of &quot;Oh, they have software that can do that. It's all automated.&quot; I remember getting a blank stare in response, and the conversation moved on. But it was a while ago, so my memory might be a little bit shaky here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to admit that I did feel frustrated and upset. &lt;a href=&quot;https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-comey-letter-probably-cost-clinton-the-election/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;There's a really good argument that the actions of the FBI cost Clinton the election&lt;/a&gt;. I personally felt that the email &quot;scandal&quot; wasn't a scandal at all. And I am very opposed to Donald Trump, who had just been elected. All of this combined made me feel very frustrated that the candidate who I supported during the general election was being rejected for reasons that, I felt, were related to misinformation and, to borrow a phrase from Trump, fake news, rather than her ability or qualifications or vision for the country. I knew I was upset and decided not to press the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But looking back on the event, it seems that I didn't get through with my explanation about the emails. The other person didn't seem to find it convincing and moved on. I really didn't like the fact that they moved on; I felt like I was being ignored. While I don't necessarily expect people to agree with me on everything, I appreciate it when I'm heard out. And I really don't like it when people disagree with me, not about issues, but about basic facts about events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way that I could have worded my correction to make it more persuasive, or at least so that it would have gotten a response other than a blank stare? How should I voice a correction in a group discussion such that others are able to consider it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user288" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T17:55:15.280" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T03:48:01.717" Title="Correcting what I see as factual errors in a political discussion" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politics&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4128" CreationDate="2017-09-18T05:10:39.433" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've seen this happen myself, where tourist-friends will completely ignore local customs, and assume that the people they interact with (waitstaff, retail staff, hospitality, etc.) will bend to their way of doing things. It's not wrong, it's just cultural — in the US for example it's a widely-held belief that the customer is king, and it's almost expected that a waiter, hotel manager and so on will go to relative extremes to make the customer happy. It just so happens that these positions that would be expected to please the customer at all costs are precisely the same positions that tourists are bound to interact with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, tackling this one head-on is difficult and bound to be unsuccessful, because you're not fighting one behavior, you're fighting a cultural norm. A much better way, in my experience, is to avoid the root cause and subtly try to build in your tourist-friends a habit of following the given custom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I'd tackle this situation — tourist-friends expecting to be able to pay with cards — by implying that the locations don't generally accept cards at all, and maybe even handing your friends some cash &quot;as a favor&quot; that they can pay you back for later. It's not untrue, as any restaurant in a cash-oriented society &quot;doesn't generally accept cards&quot;, and it'll build the habit of paying for things with cash. So for instance, I might start off by letting your friends know that &quot;they don't take card&quot; and handing them a 5,000 Yen note each, casually saying &quot;don't worry about it, you can pay me back later&quot;. I wouldn't say &quot;they don't take card &lt;em&gt;here&lt;/em&gt;,&quot; which implies that they take card elsewhere, and I might even go so far as to say &quot;most places here don't take card,&quot; still mostly true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, or if you don't feel like bankrolling your friends on loan until they learn, you can be a bit more direct and play the guilt card. Imply that many people in the area know you (much easier if you're the one recommending the restaurants) and that you're being embarrassed by this person trying to use card &quot;where they don't accept cards&quot;. People tend to pay a lot more attention to how they behave when they know it's burdening someone they're close to or acquainted with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if it's time to pay and you need to prevent problems in an emergency, and again contingent on being able and willing to give a small and evanescent loan, you could just pay yourself, in cash, &quot;because they only take cash&quot; or even &quot;to save time&quot;, which your friends will view as a favor to them if you play it right, and when they show gratitude, which they likely will, just say &quot;Venmo/PayPal/etc. me later&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is to remember that the root cause of the problem ISN'T the tourist-friends being intentionally rude, rather they're just applying the wrong rules to a situation they haven't encountered before, and people tend to take harshly to their rulebooks being called into question. So be subtle if possible, and try to gently build a cash habit in the friends. You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4736" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T05:10:39.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4133" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4175" CreationDate="2017-09-18T05:14:32.127" Score="0" ViewCount="2560" Body="&lt;p&gt;How'd you diplomatically phrase/word a request to escalate you above someone specific (call him/her  Jr. for Junior)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I to Jr: 1. I request to be escalated above you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I to Someone else (e.g. someone in a different department of the same corporation):&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  2. I request to be escalated above Jr.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The phrase 'above ' in 1 and 2 appears too condescending. I don't think people like to be considered  'above' or 'below' others?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I request to be referred to someone else who can help.   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3 is imprecise: it fails to specify the 'someone else' as more senior. To resist your escalation, Jr. can deliberately misinterpret 'someone else who can help' as anyone who can help, like someone at or beneath Jr.'s level. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T23:04:19.790" Title="How to phrase tactfully 'to escalate/to be referred above someone'?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;language&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2019-03-08T15:21:34.383" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4131" CreationDate="2017-09-18T05:39:33.423" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a classic case of words falling on deaf ears. The fact is, we as people like to think we're rational beings, but we're actually driven far more by emotion than we tend to grasp. What you did — and for the purpose of staying on topic here I'm going to completely ignore the politics and just focus on the actions — was to present a fact that contradicted the emotional grounding of the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider why people came to the political discussion club in the first place. Do you think that any of the attendees at the &quot;[Insert Place Here] Conservatives&quot; event actually wanted to have their political views reversed by another attendee? Of course not. More likely, they came for two main reasons: socialization and validation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are social animals. We like spending time with other people, and find it preferable to spend time with those who share our views. Why do you think cliques form in high schools? The partiers and the theater kids and the video gamers and the lacrosse team? Shared interests. A political discussion club is a great way to find people with similar interests to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Validation is the more interesting one. Stemming similarly from this social orientation is a desire to fit in, and to be welcomed in with open arms. It's hard to think of a better occasion for that than a political discussion club. Every person who agrees with your views strengthens the validity of those views, and in that way strengthens the validity of your identity. It's a mutual admiration society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understand that while &lt;em&gt;even the attendees themselves&lt;/em&gt; may have thought they wanted some interesting debate about politics, in absolutely none of their fantasies would they be proven wrong. The debate would be, for most, just a means to socialization and validation. With that in mind, someone with conflicting views showing up at the Me Too club and throwing everyone under the bus — and understand that intentionally or not by calling into question the very basis on which their shared interests are established, you could have thrown quite the wrench into the club — you threatened everything all those people being there stood for. You betrayed the subconscious desires of everyone in the room, and in that situation most people find it easier to just ignore the facts and get angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4736" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T05:39:33.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4128" CreationDate="2017-09-18T06:07:46.843" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all I do agree that, when we speak about mass-tourism, a little bit of cultural understanding would make the world a better place. What I am about to say may sound very stupid, but in the western world we see Japan as the country of technology, so the equation Japan = Technology = Electronic payment pretty much comes to mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You guys trying to accomodate the guests with their credit card problems... Kudos to you. If anything, you should think about Karma when you do something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;DISCLAIMER: I'm not in any way implying that the customer is entitled to do whatever he wants.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now let's just for a moment place ourselves in the shoes of the &quot;jerk&quot; tourist, who comes to your restaurant. My point is that these people &lt;strong&gt;may&lt;/strong&gt; not be jerks after all (of course if you are positive that they are, that's a different story):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Could it be that those tourists are being cautious and do not want to stuff their wallet with money (which can be stolen easier)? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Could it be that those are business people, who just have a single night to go out having dinner in a local place (so why would anyone go to an ATM to get money, thus paying exchange and ATM fees? - assuming they don't have any time to go find an exchange buro).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Between the first and second possibility, there are a plethora of situations, in which a credit card is a very useful commodity for a tourist (business or pleasure). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can, in the case I wrote above, &lt;em&gt;explain&lt;/em&gt; to your customer that &lt;strong&gt;Japan has a cash-centered culture&lt;/strong&gt;, and although the waiters tried their best to satisfy customers' needs, you'll offer them a little piece of advice, by telling them &lt;strong&gt;next time to prefer cash to credit cards&lt;/strong&gt; in Japan, &lt;strong&gt;when possible&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that if anyone explained this to me in a nice way, I'd thank him/her very much, possibly excusing myself for not knowing, and give a generous tip. And you'd be making life for the others easier (Karma bonus).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in order to reply to the OP's question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a polite and friendly way to say, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Please consider carrying cash while here. Asking to use a card is putting a burden on everyone around you.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. I would say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Please consider that it is a form of respect to pay cash in Japan's small businesses, since culturally they are not fond of credit cards&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3408" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T09:49:41.787" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T09:49:41.787" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4003" CreationDate="2017-09-18T07:04:03.137" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I've faced similar challenges in the past, I'll talk from my experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no magic solution for avoiding the situation. English isn't your primary language, and people should respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, if you want to &amp;quot;disclosure&amp;quot; that to your online friends that your English isn't perfect, a reasonable solution could be politely telling them about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;John Doe&lt;/strong&gt;: - Hey, could we met in person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: - Yes, of course we can! But you'll have to be patient with my speaking communication, as English isn't my primary language. Is that ok for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most friendly people won't mind about it (at least I wouldn't). The only thing I can't assure is that you and the other person will be able to effectively communicate; and that can be a little bit frustrating for some people. But it's natural when you met people from different countries/cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5960" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T07:04:03.137" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4139" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4003" CreationDate="2017-09-18T07:43:42.280" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;and like you, most people I talk to on the internet tend to think that my spoken english is on the same level as my written english. Wich is not true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when people asks to meets in person, I'm quite reluctant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good way I've found, to introduce them to my spoken english is to, when someone asks if we should meet in real life,asks them if we could speak over skype (or any other software like it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might look like it's the same situation, but believe me, it's not, and that for several reasons :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Close to no Background noise&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a vocal conversation, background noise make understanting each other much harder. When both parties talk the same languages fluantly, it's not a problem, but when at least one of them does'nt talk fluantly, the background noise can hinder comprehension quite a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ability to write down to clarify a sentence&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person did not understand what you said, you can easily write your sentence to clarify what you means. Of course this is something you can do in person too, but writing on your phone, or on a notepad during a conversation is not usually well received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Little to no effort required&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to meet in person, both of you needs to decide of a place to meet up, probably something to do as well, and, if you planned something it might cost both of you money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that those factors matters a lot, if you plan something with somebody, and, on the spot, you realise that you can't communicate with that person efficiently, it can be frustrating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you talk over skype (or, again, any other relevant software), it doesn't cost any money, is almost effortless, and does'nt ask you to plan things in advance. If you realise you can't understand each other, it probably won't be as disappointing as if it happened in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A little piece of advice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if your spoken english is not all that good at the moment, I would encourage you to still try and hold conversations with other english-speaking peoples. After all &quot;practice makes perfect&quot; and the more you'll talk with other people (especially if they have a better level in english than you) the more you're going to learn. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T07:43:42.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4128" CreationDate="2017-09-18T07:48:00.967" Score="51" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you know who is coming beforehand, you could simply drop a text (e.g. Whatsapp) reminding them that restaurants in Japan are unfamiliar with credit cards, so best bring cash a day or two before their arrival.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If that person replies and, for whatever reason, refuses or cannot bring cash, then suggest they pay for everyone at the table in one lump sum and   the others will pay their quota to him or her in cash.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Suggest that the foreign visitor withdraws cash from a cashpoint (ATM) just to make life easier for everyone. The guest would also have a receipt which to use in their business or travel expenses.  They would also have to ask the restaurant to give them a separate receipt (I imagine this might be time-consuming but it should create less hassle and be less embarrassing for everyone all around.) &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T07:48:00.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-18T07:53:17.887" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually use peer pressure to do it. Of course, I always ask/tell people to not use their phones beforehand, and always there are some people that do. I have no problems with people's lives interrupting, as long as they leave the lecture room etc to receive phone calls, but there are those that will sit at the front row and just call someone. And those people will get special attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like to walk around the room where I am lecturing, and if you are on your phone, I will come directly to &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;. I will stare you down, keep my lecture going, get all the attention in the room to the situation at hand. Most people buckle under that pressure. I will talk louder and louder (I can talk... pretty loud, if I want to. I am no &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/Bu2MXqlDcEs?t=148&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Brian Blessed&lt;/a&gt;, but I can be loud. If you persist I will start talking about you, about your idiosyncracies (&quot;This man's left eye keeps twitching while he is talking. Rise everyone, come see&quot;) - In the end people always flee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, is this universally applicable? Probably not. It would be hard pull off if you were presenting for the UN security council. But it has the effect that I don't mind people disturbing me anymore. I kinda look forward to it. So no self confidence lost, only an evil smile. That good feeling of vindictive righteousness is hard to come by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5494" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T07:53:17.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-18T08:45:53.577" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another thing I use my phone (or laptop) for during a presentation is immediate googling of unfamiliar terms.  If you use a term I don't understand in your talk, there's a good chance you'll lose my attention anyway. If I find your talk intersting and want to follow it I'll need to look it up.  You can't explain everything in a short talk so you'll often have some audience members who need to do this if they're to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, in a conference talk there are often people who have no interest in your subject, but can't or won't leave the room -- perhaps they are waiting for the next talk.  You haven't got their attention anyway.  You can annoy them by complaining about what they do when they're not listening, or you can accept it.  Obviously if they're distracting other people, that's a different issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1866" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T08:45:53.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4143" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-18T09:27:04.513" Score="20" ViewCount="6282" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been seeing a girl for a little while now. And there's this pattern that keeps happening which is driving me to insanity. It roughly goes like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1: Early in the day I say I can't meet her plans exactly as she wants. She has a habit of making grand plans without consulting and just expecting she will spend all weekend with me. I say I can't stay with her all day as I have to work in the evening or the like (the truth). I try to offer a compromise of doing something else with her another time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2: She gets angry, dismissive, my not seeing her in the next few days the way she wants means I'm not seeing her for the next few weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3: Constant phone calls at night. Often with her saying nothing. Sometimes screaming down the line. Either way it wears me down, saps all my energy and leaves me a zombie the next day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4: Midnight. After I'm in bed. She calls and says she is going to jump on the highway or somesuch and I have to come.&#xA;The first time or two I believed her and came running...she was fine. Since then I have tried to ignore this seeing it as just a means of control&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. I know. It's not a healthy relationship. She isn't marriage material. I won't be with her forever. Nonetheless I do care about her and have this big &quot;what if she means it&quot; in my head, I don't want to be partially responsible for her death. Like it or not I'm in this situation and of the people she is close to I'm the one who lives closest (40 minutes by s train).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My concerns are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A:  What if &quot;The Boy Who Cried Wolf&quot; comes true? What if this time she means it for real? How should I correctly handle these demands that I come to her place right now or else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: How do I avoid getting to this stage in the first place? Short of caving to her every whim and doing whatever she says. I can't live my life like that, I have my own stuff too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5969" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T11:18:30.943" Title="How do I deal with frequent demands for attention?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-09-18T18:44:10.117" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4100" CreationDate="2017-09-18T09:28:02.753" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have a spiritual leader you recognize, ask him for advice. It must be a solution foreseen when you just cannot control the environment you are in. Is it haram to sink in the sea of alcohol when there is nothing you can do to escape? I assume, you will be just forgiven.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3668" LastEditorUserId="3668" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T14:53:59.410" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T14:53:59.410" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4128" CreationDate="2017-09-18T09:35:22.687" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;With businesses where it is a big deal to pay by card then the answer to &quot;is it okay to pay by card&quot; should be no. &lt;strong&gt;If the answer is yes then it is only fair for the customer to assume that it is OK to pay by card.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would see this as pretty elementary and cross-culture, answering yes when the reality is no is just lying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking such a question in the first place would be what I, as a westerner with very little exposure to Japanese culture, would consider to be a universally polite way of gaining information. As Anjou points out in comments to this answer asking yes/no questions can be embarrassing in itself as &quot;No&quot; is considered ultra-rude in Japan, whereas to me it is simply an informative answer to a question. Your visitors may not realise this either! This is something very basic to the way westerners communicate and many may not realise that they need to research such a thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your job here as a local friend is to explain these customs &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; they become an issue. Before a meal, before going out, or even just shortly after they arrive with you, warn the group members such that they have time to ensure they have cash available to them. Maybe offer to go by an ATM, appropriate bank or currency exchange, before any outings that may require payments. Letting guests know can be as simple as: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A quick note, local businesses generally don't accept card as payment and will be embarrassed if they are unable to help you pay with card. Please make sure you carry cash if you would like to pay for things, such as meals and so on. If you would like to get cash from an ATM, bank or exchange, please let me know and we can swing by one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: Bear in mind that tourists will be wary of carrying much cash around with them in a country that they are visiting. This will likely mean they will need to make trips to ATMs or banks more often. You will need to facilitate this by checking with them to see if they need to get more cash and allowing time in any schedule for them to make such trips.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PPS: From the little I know of US personal banking, I get the &lt;em&gt;impression&lt;/em&gt; that banks can charge quite a lot in fees when using cash banking outside of the US, especially for countries with as different a culture as Japan. I would imagine that Usonians travelling to Japan would then be caught between wanting to keep banking fees down and not wanting to carry too much cash around where they may feel insecure doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1880" LastEditorUserId="1880" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T10:45:05.117" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T10:45:05.117" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4147" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4148" CreationDate="2017-09-18T10:02:38.807" Score="29" ViewCount="14680" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend; let's call him X. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend, X, and I have all lived together (on paper) for about a year and a half. About 6 months ago he got a girlfriend who lives a few hours away. For the past 4-5 months he has been staying over at her house with her mother and is very evasive of my messages. Today he sent me a long message saying that he won't pay the internet bill anymore because he is no longer here and not using it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all agreed when we moved in that we would all get one bill each (i.e. I get the electric, X gets the internet and so on).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As X has been one of my closest friends for about 11 years, I'm not really sure what is the best way to approach this situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is, how can I talk to X about not paying his bills just because he's not here, especially due to him being evasive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WE each have our names on the renting contract and on each of the bills (i.e. the internet bill is addressed to me, X, and my girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3208" LastEditorUserId="5456" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T15:46:39.723" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T08:35:07.070" Title="How to deal with a friend I live with who doesn't want to pay bills when he's not there?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-09-18T10:24:24.343" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;: I see now that he actually is one of the renters which makes this a lot more troublesome. I'd take the discussion in a sort of similar direction either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friends wants to keep his living arrangement together with you he has to pay &lt;strong&gt;his entire part&lt;/strong&gt; and nothing less. It's quite obvious for an example that he cannot expect to have a room with all of his stuff while not paying for himself. You should definitely throw him out if he doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in communications with him you don't have to be this aggressive. Send a calm and explanatory message detailing that everyone who lives in the apartment has to pitch in their share. Since he no longer does so you are presuming that he has forfeited his position. If he cannot or will not pay  and you really need someone to fill that role you should tell him so and that you need to find someone to fill his now vacant position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friendship will only get worse by allowing this to delve into a blamegame or long discussions about who does or doesn't do something. Be direct and resolute yet kind. Lay down the fundamentals (pay or leave) and don't stray from them and never let the discussion go beyond them. Make this into a discussion about what is necessary to stay at the apartment, not about your friendship or something similar. For the record; if you accept a plea to not pay or for him to only partly pay I expect that you'll start losing respect for him with time or feel that constant nag in your head that he's not pulling his entire weight - This will hurt your friendship in the long run but I also expect far more than anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a tough situation and I expect that what you're afraid of here is that you'll damage your relationship. You no doubt know this person better than any of us so the last call on how to act is up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4022" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T10:24:24.343" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4143" CreationDate="2017-09-18T10:28:07.277" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;First let me state that everything I am going to say is from my own experience as someone that was exactly like your girlfriend not so long ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that the best for you would be to break up. Your girlfriend is clearly overly possessive, somewhat manipulative, and potentially dangerous. But, if you really want to make things better, there's a few things that could help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(A) Professional help&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like @Anne Daunted asked: did you look for professional help? If not, then it is a very good idea to look into it. A professional might recognise symptoms of a potential disorder, and/or help you and her control those reactions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, a girlfriend threatening to kill herself will not do it. But there is always a slim possibility. That is where a professional can tell the difference between possessive behavior, and dangerous behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(B) Assert yourself&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that in a relationship, once &quot;roles&quot; have been established it becomes extremely hard to move out of those &quot;roles&quot;, because the relationship is building up itself on those. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's why it is important to be careful to create a healthy basis for a relationship from the start. Things like Respect, Communication, and Honesty are extremely important in a relationship, and I think yours is lacking at least two of them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Respect:&lt;/strong&gt; She does not respect you, she treats you as if you belong to her, and while it is what some people want from a relationship, it is also not what you seem to be looking for. She calls you at any time of the night, meaning that, for her, you should always be ready to answer her, she threatens you, so that you go home to her. If you can't attend the plan she makes, she ignores you. She does not treat you as a human being, for her, you should plan your life according to hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a relationship, both parties should be equals, if you want to avoid a situation like this in the future, make sure that the other person treats you with respect, and that you treat them the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Communication:&lt;/strong&gt; Obviously there is a lack of communication, I think that both of you are expecting different things from a relationship. She is planning things without asking you, and getting angry if you can't attend. When a couple or a group is planning something, everyone should be involved in the planning (unless it is a surprise, or something like a bachelor party of course).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to avoid such a situation, you should make sure that both parties are involved in the planning. Also, you might need to make clear what you're looking for in a relationship when you start dating. Not everyone has the same view of what a relationship means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(C) Another piece of advice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is many professionals that help people when it comes to relationships, there is of course, couple therapy, for those already in a relation, but there are also some professionals that can help people find a partner that corresponds to them better. You might want to look into that if you find that you often fall in relationship that doesn't suit you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My advice regarding what you should do:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are currently in a relationship, which does not make you happy. Moreover this relationship is putting a lot of stress and pressure on yourself. I understand that you care for her and do not want to harm her. I have been like your girlfriend, I was the clingy one, the demanding one, I was desperate for my girlfriend's attention, and would resort to petty tricks to get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So from my own experience, I believe that the best solution would be to have a long, and clear discussion with her. Telling her how and why she is causing you a lot of problems, and that you need her to stop. You need to be as honest as possible,  but also need to make it clear that you can't take this anymore, &lt;strong&gt;you are not her pet&lt;/strong&gt;. If that doesn't help, then I would advise in breaking up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this might help you a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you worry about her suicide threats, something that should be looked into is  &lt;a href=&quot;https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Preventions Hotline&lt;/a&gt; (they might change depending on your country). Those hotlines can help you deal with a potential suicidal person, and it can also give you insight on those threats, you can also contact them by chat if I remember correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;edit :&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As stated by @Tycho'sNose: &lt;a href=&quot;http://crisiscallcenter.org/crisisservices-html/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Crisis hotlines&lt;/a&gt; might be better suited for that kind of situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T12:14:42.767" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T12:14:42.767" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4087" CreationDate="2017-09-18T10:51:58.437" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something you could do is that a few weeks after both of you settled and began your activities (so you can have an idea of what your weekly timetable will look like), is to contact your girlfriend and find together a time that suits you best to phone/Skype/whatever. I understand your concerns about how boring it is to plan your chatting, but according to my own experience, once you're apart from your beloved, it's not a chore at all and you're waiting for this time to come. But to make it work you need to find a time that will suit both of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to continue this relationship a great deal, but I have never experienced a long distance relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither did I when my boyfriend and I began our Erasmus semester. But we scheduled a weekly meeting on Skype and it worked! We used to do this when he was studying in Sweden and I was in Hungary. We were apart for six months and these weekly calls were great to maintain the relationship as well as regular texting. Well, actually we didn't have a meeting scheduled in the week but we knew we wanted to phone once a week so we managed to make it work each time, even if scheduling could ease the situation. We also visit each other twice during this period (each came once) but not more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-06-26T16:37:12.233" LastActivityDate="2019-06-26T16:37:12.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3938" CreationDate="2017-09-18T10:56:33.870" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my company we had a similar situation once. I was impressed by the neat solution my manager found. She simply transferred the poor guy to Quality Assurance, where he started to excel. Bringing in automation and generally improving processes. He became quite valuable. We had an interdisciplinary team where requirements engineers, designers, programmers and testers all shared an office and were on the same hierarchy level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to consider his strengths. Maybe you can find or create a different position and keep the nice, hard-working, helpful guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5977" LastEditorUserId="5977" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T07:46:51.920" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T07:46:51.920" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4152" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-18T11:30:48.993" Score="12" ViewCount="1323" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work at an IT MNC. We have a large campus and many eateries. Whenever we go out for eating he stands away from the payment queue and just tells what he would like to have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first I ignored it. But after couple of months I started really noticing it. He paid few times (only when we go to comparatively cheaper places like tea stall). Now, I don't want to sound like a miser but now this has really started to annoy me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to sound rude to tell this to him. How can I politely convey this message?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; He is neither financially weak nor does he portray himself financially weak. The message I want to convey him is that, What he's doing is inappropriate and can get real annoying. He's superior to me and earns significantly extra.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5483" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T01:32:19.877" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T07:16:53.897" Title="Dealing with a colleague who never wants to pay when we eat out?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4143" CreationDate="2017-09-18T11:33:29.000" Score="15" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if &quot;The Boy Who Cried Wolf&quot; comes true? What if this time she means it for real?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's not your fault. It's not your fault.&lt;/strong&gt; I had an ex who would lock himself in a room telling me he's about to kill himself and holding a knife. At first, I did what you did. Then I realized he's histrionic but I also knew that there is a thin line between being histrionic, acting and actually performing the act. People like him and your girlfriend are mentally ill and need help. Do you want to help her? You could suggest she seeks help or get counseling yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She shouldn't blackmail you like that and you shouldn't have to put up with it just because she is mentally ill. This isn't healthy at all. And there isn't much to say other than she needs help and you need advice from a professional. Take this seriously because it is. I'm not saying she isn't suffering and I'm not saying she cannot love you but as the situation stands right now, she is not capable of being with you in a healthy loving relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should I correctly handle these demands that I come to her place&#xA;  right now or else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't go to her place or else. If you do worry she might harm herself, you could tell her that next time she threatens to kill herself you might have to call the police (&lt;strong&gt;if advised to do so from helpline first&lt;/strong&gt;) and give them her address.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;This is what is done in the United States as a last resort. Don't do this unless advised to.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't live in the US search for suicide/crisis hotlines in your country. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T11:40:07.780" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T11:40:07.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4092" CreationDate="2017-09-18T12:00:29.230" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why can't you take spiritual matters as subjects? It would be fun when you will try to question him some ontological, metaphysical, epistemological etc question or give his beliefs to philosophical or intellectual dimensions. By doing this, either you will depress him through dry philosophies enough not to initiate spiritual talks  or you will start enjoying the matter not as believer but as intellectual entertainment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5981" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T12:00:29.230" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1480" CreationDate="2017-09-18T12:14:59.690" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is drunkeness really the issue? As with one of the other answers, my main experience is with pool (with an occasional game of darts). In my experience, pool and darts go hand in hand with a few drinks, with some even saying it makes them play better. If it is more about skill level (and your first tactic hasn't worked), perhaps hand over the darts and let them have a go on their own. You'll quickly be able to judge their ability, and hopefully, if they aren't great, they'll quickly get bored and leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess the main issue is the location; you will always find odd/interesting/drunk characters in bars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5982" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T12:14:59.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4156" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4158" CreationDate="2017-09-18T12:24:49.693" Score="31" ViewCount="11276" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now, and while I consider her to be an amazing person, she has an extremely low opinion of herself, calling herself &quot;worthless&quot; or the likes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's important here to give a little context to the situation :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What happened:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since middle school, she has been the target of severe bullying. To give a few examples of how severe it was, she's got a few scars on both of her forearms which were inflicted upon her by her bullies. As well as several burns. There have also been cases of her getting locked up (purposefully) in a cellar for literal hours. But what seems to have hurt her the most was the verbal abuse she had to deal with for those years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As one might expect, she's been subject to depression, as well as self-harming, and she even attempted suicide once, but with professional help, it seems like it's behind her now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in her last year of High School, things got a lot worse for her, and the bullying became much, much worse. Which led to her becoming a shut-in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The situation now:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the help of a professional we were able to convince her to get out of the house at least once or twice a week (though she won't go alone, or for more that or 2 hours). Due to her hometown being fairly small, we would happen to stumble upon some of her old bullies every now and then. While they would usually not do anything if she is not alone, there have been instances of them trying to start something, so we decided to move out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that we moved out, she is able to get outside much more often than before, and for longer periods, too, so all in all, it's much better than before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though her situation is much better now than before, she now has an extremely low self-esteem. While we are seeing a professional to help her with that, I would like to be able to help her gain some confidence back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I do, as a boyfriend, to help her get some confidence back? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T14:14:08.133" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T18:49:17.903" Title="How to help my girlfriend get her confidence back?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;self-esteem&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="7" ClosedDate="2017-09-18T18:41:37.887" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4152" CreationDate="2017-09-18T12:36:43.173" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is impossible to fix in a polite way, as it is inherently an impolite situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, being blunt either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;go your separate ways during lunch.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;wherever he is going, you are more in the mood for tacos (unless he's having them of course, then it is pizza time).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;'politely' inform him of the cost and request a few bills to cover it when he orders away from the pay queue.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;hideously impolite but truly effective, and I suspect he'll either keep up his end or seek another crowd to run with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes there's good reason for going Dutch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; If the above seems harsh please regard this:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Expecting others to pay for your lunch is an excruciating bad habit, there for all to see. It hampers your social standing in no small way. And when you allow a bad habit to continue you become an accessory. That makes it your civic duty to put a stop to it. To the benefit of all, including the perpetrator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT2:&lt;/strong&gt; As OP indicated, if this is your superior the first option (avoidance/shunning) is the way to go. The second option, while as mildly confrontational as possible, is still too much of a risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T05:49:44.257" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T05:49:44.257" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4156" CreationDate="2017-09-18T12:48:02.517" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The seeds of confidence need a breeding ground. Be the potting soil she needs.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you already have help from a profesional, I would just recommand that you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her you love her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show her you love her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be supportive (i.g. by listening to her when she needs to talk).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reassure and encourage. &lt;em&gt;Mark every little victory she has in the everyday life. Underline her achievements&lt;/em&gt; (last sentence: credit to @Noldor).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be a &lt;em&gt;physical&lt;/em&gt; defensive rempart (stand with her if someone comes to bully her, so she feels protected, so she feels in &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; the strength she needs). To be clear, it's &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; fighting, but about &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; feeling that you are here.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did just that with someone I love and that had been through the same kind of troubles and nasty behavior (though it was less than that, the mental wounds and scars were as bad...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It took nearly 4 years before it gets better.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be here for her, and give her some time. It will take time...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T15:23:09.750" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T15:23:09.750" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4133" CreationDate="2017-09-18T12:51:24.100" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My experience on the workplace tells me that no one wants to be considered &quot;below&quot; even if hierarchy is clear and well-defined. Since your &quot;boss&quot; is nothing else than someone who has more responsibilities than you and who &lt;em&gt;assumes risks of his/her choices&lt;/em&gt;, I'd say the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll need to talk to someone in this company who is in charge of [insert something here]&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - doing this&lt;br&gt;&#xA;   - taking responsibility for this action&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - communicating this to the client&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  - etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I find &quot;taking responsibility&quot; the best choice, because people often want to do stuff without suffering any consequences. Once you are implying there are some, people will indeed &lt;em&gt;escalate&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3408" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T15:30:08.180" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T15:30:08.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4160" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4131" CreationDate="2017-09-18T12:52:57.127" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;OK, so while being &quot;very left-leaning&quot; you walked in a nest of conservatives, so you get points for bravery ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I'm gonna use &quot;leftie&quot; and &quot;rightie&quot; because in my country &quot;libéral&quot; means &quot;free-market capitalist&quot; so it gets confusing versus &quot;liberal,&quot; etc. I'm not using them as slurs, just abbreviations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really didn't like the fact that they moved on; I felt like I was being ignored. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, you did make a few mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You missed the frame&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many Trump supporters would view a Hillary supporter as, at best, mildly insane, and at worst a commie. This works both ways, of course, as the lefties are prompt to slap labels like &quot;deplorable racist sexist nazi&quot; on anyone who disagrees with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not conducive to rational communication. In fact, this whole event was going to be an uphill struggle right from the start. I guess you missed this, perhaps due to the fact the lefties are very vocal about their opinions on the righties, so everyone pretty much knows what they think, but the righties tend to be much quieter, so you might not have known, but I can assure you it's like that. Can you confirm?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find it quite funny having to explain the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Overton_window&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Overton Window&lt;/a&gt; to a leftist. This window is the range of acceptable speech in a given environment. Anything outside of this window will shock people and earn you a blank stare (as you experienced). Too far out and you might start a fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I presume you didn't listen long enough to place these guys on the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_compass&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;political spectrum&lt;/a&gt; (there are many such models, I find this one lacks a PC axis) and get a workable estimate of their Overton window. Without this, you couldn't foresee their reaction to what you'd say, nor choose the right words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If something is smack in the middle of the window (ie, it's the consensus) then you can word it as a correction. Further away from the center, it should be worded as a suggestion. Even further, as a hypothesis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't matter if it's true or not, btw. This is only about how others will react to it. If you think it's true and word it in a way that is badly received, you might very well persuade others that it's not true!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which leads us to...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You put your foot in it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come on, you just entered the dungeon and you went straight for the boss fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could have picked a very minor point, something that they don't really care about, your choice of topic, although anything is a polarizing issue these days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, first thing is to get rid of the &quot;hysterical liberal&quot; label that you automatically acquired when stepping into this nest of conservatives. You do this by starting with little things, not too polarizing topics... have an adult conversation about it, and above all... lose the self-righteous, &quot;i'm gonna correct you&quot; attitude:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I spoke up. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of &quot;Oh, they have software that can do that. It's all automated.&quot; I remember getting a blank stare in response&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really sound like James Damore being surprised that his memo got him fired. When I downloaded the memo and read it, I immediately thought &quot;man, he's soooo fired.&quot; I wondered how someone who seems to be very smart could make such a blunder. I guess he never heard of the Overton window... An interesting experiment would be for you to read said memo (not the journalists' reports) and try to understand why he didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these were the words you used, again no surprises here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could have said &quot;I'm not sure, but it's the damn FBI, don't they have software and tools to sort through this? It can't be the first time they seize tons of emails. This sounds weird, what do you think?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or &quot;Mmm, 10 seconds to glance at an email, 6 hours a day because headaches, 8 days, that's about 17000 emails per guy, you'd need 50 people, I mean it's the FBI, that could be a national security issue,  I'd certainly hope they can do that, don't you think?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases: wrap it in maybe's, sound like you're reasoning instead of lecturing, like you're asking for their help to solve a problem, sugarcoat a little, and end with an open question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if they admit Trump may not have been telling the truth... (He's a politician, btw, so yes he's gonna lie and spout rhetoric, no surprises here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come on. You can't possibly expect to say &quot;But! Trump lied!&quot; and be taken seriously, while supporting a Clinton. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, we all know our politicians are lying self-serving bastards. Culture shock, I guess! Anyone raving about a candidate will usually earn &quot;you really believe this shit he said?&quot; and the usual reply is &quot;well, no, but he's less worse than the others, so... okay...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, maybe he was in a lying contest with Hillary! Politicians...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This wraps up in just a few words that you acknowledge that not all conservatives love Trump, that you feel the same about your candidate, like &quot;Well what could I do, there were no other democrats to vote for!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're lucky someone will say &quot;yeah, same here&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I'm gonna tell you the truth about this quote:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can't review 650,000 new emails in eight days. You can't do it, folks,&quot; Trump said, adding, &quot;Hillary Clinton is guilty. She knows it, the FBI knows it, the people know it, and now it's up to the American people to deliver justice at the ballot box on November 8.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's a lie. But it's excellent rhetorics, and it got Trump elected. So he was right in saying it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Elections are not won by being nice...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I knew I was upset and decided not to press the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't debate politics while upset. If your opponent is any good, they'll turn your own feelings against you and make you dig your own hole. If you get upset enough, you might even lose your wits and do it on your own...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You made a bad first impression. Not pressing the issue was a wise decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'll go on a tangent: I followed this election with lots of attention from the other side of the atlantic, due to the stakes. This is a bit fuzzy now, since I'm writing from memory, but that'll do. When Comey happened, there was quite a bit of debate on conservative websites about why. He seemed to be a Clinton supporter at first. So, why did he sink Clinton? People wondered if he'd been blackmailed or pressured. The whole business smelled very suspicious. Also, at the time it happened, the media seemed to lessen their previously extreme pro-Clinton bias. This was really noticeable. Some tinfoils postulated that the &quot;deep state&quot; had dropped support for Hillary due to her being insane, out of control, too corrupt, a vocal supporter of war with Russia, and possibly the spawn of Satan, in no specific order. After the election, it came apparent that many media outlets also fudged the polls. So the polls were also fake. But since I'm french, I'd be surprised anyone would be surprised about fake polls. Our pollsters have been caught red-handed numerous times... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... IMO, it is likely that both your conservative ex-buddies and you are wrong, no-one will know the gory truth of who messed with the elections. I'd bet that lots of shady stuff happened. Both sides probably cheated, ballot stuffing was reported, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to close the &quot;ask a conservative if Comey sunk Clinton&quot; tangent: I have no idea, most likely the truth will never come out, debating about it seems futile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And I really don't like it when people disagree with me, not about issues, but about basic facts about events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I disagree with you on the facts: I think the facts are unknown, buried too deep under too many lies and potential scandals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's like dark matter: you can see the galaxies and celestial bodies have unexplained orbital velocities, so there must be an underlying reason, but what is it?... Haven't found it yet!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means you really picked the worst possible topic: in order to win, you'd have to convince them that they're wrong, but also admit that you're wrong...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;While I don't necessarily expect people to agree with me on everything, I appreciate it when I'm heard out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, to wrap this up I'm gonna explain how to get along with conservatives:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Very) broadly speaking, there are two kinds of lefties: libertarians and  authoritarians. I get along just fine with the first because they're usually very open to debate. In fact I enjoy talking with them. They're more the classical liberals. An example would be Jordan Peterson (he's kinda my liberal crush).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the authoritarians, egalitarians, the PC/SJW crowd, now this is a different can of worms. Since most of the media, journalists etc belong to this category, conservatives are constantly bombarded with messages telling them they're wrong, evil, etc, also facts are systematically ignored... a bit like what you experienced, I sympathized with you not liking the experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, anyone leaning slightly to the right develops a very strong bullshit filter. If they characterize you as hysterical liberal, they will simply tune you out, thinking &quot;Not again! Go away!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider TheEnvironmentalist's response, who helpfully provides a perfect example of this. He chooses to frame conservatism as a kind of a mental illness or something, then frames the righties as clueless temperamental children who will throw a tantrum if you disagree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This misses the point: they simply ignored you because you opted to posture as the stereotypical liberal taking the moral high ground and lecturing them. And they've had enough of this. So you got kicked out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T18:58:56.143" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T18:58:56.143" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4143" CreationDate="2017-09-18T13:03:25.710" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers to this question are good, so I won't repeat them, please read &lt;code&gt;user3399&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;Tycho's Nose&lt;/code&gt;'s answer and take them to heart.&#xA;I feel I can add something, speaking from experience of having a girlfriend like this in my teen years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't fix it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might think you can, or even claim you &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; but believe me, this isn't about you. If she can't be stable alone, she'll never be stable with you either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand wanting to be there, she probably makes you happy in a lot of ways and is worth fighting for. I understand wanting to help and by all means you can try - helplines, professional help, a shoulder to cry on - but that's all you can do. Being a romantic partner adds a &lt;strong&gt;pressure both on you and her&lt;/strong&gt; that will literally &lt;strong&gt;block your ability to help her&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the worst comes to happen and she does kill herself, that's her decision, not yours. No amount of niceties and hugs will save her from that, trust me. She needs to save herself, and you need to look after yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said I understand the desire to go the extra mile: so try everything else first, professional help will always have better results because &lt;strong&gt;you are too close to the problem&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;code&gt;Tycho's Nose&lt;/code&gt; answers Question A: Call helplines and the police. My advice will be to not go to her. Get her to look forwards instead if you can. &lt;strong&gt;Hope always helps&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for Question B: Do not play her knight in shining armour. You must &lt;strong&gt;live your life&lt;/strong&gt; and only if you can &lt;em&gt;share&lt;/em&gt; it with her. You cannot bend your life around her to such an extreme. If that means you need to break up, then so be it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2388" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T13:03:25.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-09-18T13:26:27.787" Score="34" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Your situation is an &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt; situation.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;First, what does your contract state? Otherwise:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he wants to stay with his girlfriend, that's his choice and he is absolutaly free to do so. However, in a black and white situation there are two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cancel his rent 100%, thus also giving up his physical space in the apartment. Now you can rent the room to someone else so that your bills keep getting paid as they're now.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep and pay the agreement 100% and have his room as a kind of fallback in case things go bad with his GF, or because it somehow is more practical to be there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither choice is the better or wrong choice, but he wants the best of both (and who can blame him for trying). The internet connection, and/or other subscriptions &amp;amp; monthly fees, are a fixed price. It doesn't matter whether he is there or not, so his absence doesn't change the bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But not everything is black and white, to give some counter arguments: He isn't there. He doesn't take up space and doesn't use power or water or gas (or internet). That should be noticeable on the bill. You could offer to calculate a predefined discount at the end of the month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T08:35:07.070" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4143" CreationDate="2017-09-18T13:54:17.853" Score="12" Body="&lt;h2&gt;This is classic mental abuse, you should leave.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just as unacceptable is physical abuse. It will not get better, and if it will it's temperal. I know this because I experienced something similar, and I though my situation was different than the others, which it never is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this sounds really harsh and isn't the preferred choice, but I've seen myself and several of my friends crash while trying to find a solution because we though we could fix this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'll just put in a little effort, it'll get better.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;It's not that bad really, as long as she's happy I am.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;I will just ask the internet for advice.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sound familiar? The problem with each of those arguments is they're all from &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; perspective, it's all &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; should&amp;quot;, not &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;we&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; should&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try one last attempt, but stick to it. Just state that you will no longer tolerate this. That shouldn't sound as a bluf, or challenge, or threat, it is just saying a fact. If she does not change, it's better for you to call it quits. You should expect that if you break up, she'll claim that now she understands and is changed! Fun fact: that very rarely actually happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T11:18:30.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4164" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4188" CreationDate="2017-09-18T14:05:19.983" Score="25" ViewCount="6515" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, I'm in a situation where I have to use my friend's, or colleague's, mobile phone to search for something, and they have tabs with pornographic websites opened, or their history shows they visited a pornographic website. They may or may not have seen that I saw that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, &lt;strong&gt;how do I recommend that they delete their browsing history or use private mode?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What business do I have looking at their browsing history?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not deliberately looking at their history. Recent example: I had to print something they searched for a few days ago, and they forgot the URL. So I had to look in their browsing history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume it's their business and they can do whatever they like with their mobile phone, but at least knowing to close open tabs or learning to delete their browsing history won't hurt them. I don't want to blatantly come across like I saw their browsing history and it impelled me to point this out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am from Nepal. Pornographic content is not well perceived in our society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5987" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T16:35:52.770" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T14:17:57.257" Title="How do I recommend that someone delete their browsing history or use private mode?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;nepal&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4152" CreationDate="2017-09-18T14:12:06.943" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just handle it a little earlier, when you're in the process of deciding where to eat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm a little strapped for cash today, can you pick up the check this time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I picked up the last few lunches, can you get this one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you get lunch today, I'll get tea tomorrow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are lots of subtle ways to even out the scales in these situations. Generally if someone is letting you pay more often than they do, they're aware of what they're doing. All it takes is a gentle reminder that it should be a little more reciprocal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that they're under the impression that you're ok with paying, because you haven't spoken up yet. This can be exacerbated if there's a significant difference in income between the two of you. If you're the boss or in a superior position, they may even be thinking that you can afford it and are doing it to boost morale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T14:12:06.943" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4164" CreationDate="2017-09-18T14:15:04.743" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're using their devices.  You can't really tell them how to use their own phones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can (if you wanted to) say in private:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You left that browser window open.  I'm fine with it, but take care if you let xyz use your phone...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(where xyz is someone you know who will likely take offense at this content).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T14:15:04.743" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4164" CreationDate="2017-09-18T14:39:55.160" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a friend who worked in IT, this sort of thing ended up being a surprisingly large part of her job. Luckily she found it hilarious to have to clean up the hard drives after people weren't as cautious as they should have been with a shared device.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it's a shared device it's a little easier to handle. When passing out devices she could simply remind them that it was in fact a shared, work device.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I probably don't need to say this, but please keep in mind that this phone/laptop will be used by other people. Don't use it for anything that you don't want other people to see.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;On the other hand, borrowing someone's personal device is a different matter entirely.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need to use someone's personal device, it helps to deliberately protect their privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I end up having to help people connect and troubleshoot their devices at work on a pretty regular basis. Usually I try to walk them through it rather than taking the wheel and doing it for them. This actually takes care of a few problems in one motion. First it protects their privacy, next it teaches them to solve their own tech problem, and last it covers me from being blamed for doing anything to their devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you absolutely have to take someone's personal device and use it yourself, simply ask them to close any unnecessary apps and take care of any private information before handing it over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can help you with that, just close all the other apps and make sure you don't have anything out that I shouldn't see. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who use their devices for porn or other potentially sensitive things will usually get the idea and do a quick sweep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also the universal IT solution that will at least close open tabs in most cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you tried turning it off and back on again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T14:39:55.160" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-09-18T14:43:55.257" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would look at it a different way. If X is paying 1/3 of the rent and will continue doing so, then let him out of the internet bill. I assume 1/3 of the rent is much more than the internet. You and your GF get the place to yourself (minus a room where his stuff is stored) for 2/3 of the total rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5997" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T14:43:55.257" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4170" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-18T15:00:16.960" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Nepali person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5987" LastEditorUserId="5987" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T15:35:14.290" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T15:35:14.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4171" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-18T15:00:16.960" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Nepal or Nepali culture." OwnerUserId="5987" LastEditorUserId="5987" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T15:08:25.180" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T15:08:25.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4128" CreationDate="2017-09-18T15:13:30.740" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds to me like the kind of problem that a certain type of American tourists are causing in some European countries and many other parts of the world as well. While this is of course due to intercultural incompetence, I guess that it's ultimately caused by this: Many Americans' fear of carrying cash is greater than their fear of (non-immediate) embarrassment for acting like a jerk. Once they have entered a restaurant with insufficient cash, they try to save face by blaming it on incompetent restaurant staff. (PS: After rethinking this, an alternative explanation is that these visitors are simply not embarrassed at all because the Japanese people involved don't show their distress in a way that they can understand. I am thinking of Kate Fox' ethnological study &lt;em&gt;Watching the English&lt;/em&gt;. Among other things she describes how stressful it was for her as an Englishwoman to jump queues for research purposes, whereas foreigners often do it without even noticing there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a queue.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Germany we are somewhere in between the two extremes. (Credit card payment is rare but accepted in most places. Patrons in restaurants often pay separately.) So I don't have experience with handling this kind of situation. But I do have an idea that you might want to try if it makes sense in your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Paying in a restaurant in [COUNTRY]&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you heard stories of happy French customers in American restaurants paying the exact amount of the bill with no tip? Of Finnish visitors entering American saunas with no bathing suit? This happens even though the idiosyncrasies of US culture are relatively well known globally. Most countries have similar cultural traps that can lead to embarrassment for unwary tourists or their hosts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some things to consider when going to a restaurant in [COUNTRY]:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cash payment is the standard in shops and restaurants. People who carry the equivalent of hundreds of dollars in cash with them do not make themselves targets of criminality or suspicion by the police. They are just normal.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cash payment is the only option in shops and restaurants which do not display credit card logos.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cash payment is the only safe and efficient option even in most restaurants which do display credit card logos. This is because most have very little experience processing credit cards. They are unlikely to advise you of this fact when you ask them whether you can pay by card.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Single payment per table. Patrons normally do not pay separately. It is expected that they alternate inviting each other or pool cash in order to make a single payment including the tip.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Credit card payments will likely go wrong when the amount to charge is not the exact amount on the bill. Staff will often not know how to add a tip to the amount as requested, or how to charge only part of the bill. In this case, they will likely not realize this before the card has been charged.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It can take days to get problems with credit card payment sorted. If a charge needs to be reversed, you may have to return inside the office hours of the processing company's support team.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: When going to a restaurant in [COUNTRY], it is important to carry a sufficient amount of cash even if you hope to pay by credit card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring the above advice can make for interesting experiences. If you want to try this out, be considerate and make sure you are alone or everyone in your group is similarly adventurous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I am not really serious about the last paragraph, though it is unlikely that anything less would have worked with your 5 times in a row guy.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, such a leaflet would be produced and branded by a company or other large organization that is related to the visit. Then handing it over in the name of the company when you see your guest for the first time is not so much a personal thing as a duty that someone at the company came up with after other people's experiences in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if you see the person in question for the first time right before entering a restaurant, it would be tricky to hand over this leaflet without embarrassment. In that case, you could try to steer the conversation towards the topic of embarrassment as a visitor in a foreign culture. After sharing stories of how everyone once made a fool of themselves while traveling, your visitor will be less likely to ignore advice, and even if they do, it may feel slightly less bad for everyone involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, when someone brings up the topic of credit card payment, it's probably a good idea to firmly suggest an alternative route immediately (&quot;I will pay today, then you can pay next time, when you have had time to draw sufficient cash.&quot; &quot;There is an ATM next door.&quot;) They will probably try to pay by card anyway, but after this priming it will be easier to get them off it when it turns out to be complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5988" LastEditorDisplayName="user5988" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T15:21:47.820" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T15:21:47.820" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-09-18T15:21:26.083" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds to me like you need to have a conversation with your friend about what his future plans are.  If he plans on making his arrangement with his girlfriend permanent and you value the friendship, see if he'll work with you on getting a subletter for the duration of the term.  If he plans on returning at some date &lt;strong&gt;and he continues to pay rent&lt;/strong&gt; and you value his friendship, I think paying the utilities yourself is not entirely unreasonable. After all what's a few pounds between good friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to how to speak with him, I would employ gradually increasing forms of invasiveness, first a text saying hey can you give me a call, if no reply then call him yourself.  If that fails try an email. If still no response, I guess you don't have a friend after all.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5808" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T15:21:26.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4174" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4143" CreationDate="2017-09-18T15:33:35.860" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;GET OUT.  Others here have given really good advice which I won't repeat.  Simply put, she's manipulating you to do what she wants.  Things will NOT get better over time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT your concerns about the &quot;boy who cried wolf&quot;: are you the one making her jump on the highway?  Are you the one physically or emotionally pushing her?  That is a choice &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; chooses to make, and she's trying to make you feel accountable for it.  If you are indeed the one pushing her, then I'd suggest getting in touch with a mental health professional yourself.  Since (I believe) you are not, lay this exactly where it belongs: at her feet.  &quot;I'm sorry that you feel like you want to [stupid thing].  I'll call the crisis line for you.&quot;  You simply cannot allow this to control you; it will only get worse over time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't say this enough: leaving this relationship is the best thing for your sanity.  I'd rather be alone than be in a lying, manipulative relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T15:33:35.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4133" CreationDate="2017-09-18T15:37:35.013" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I speak with your manager/supervisor?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is pretty common and direct. When you're passed to the supervisor you can even ask to speak to their supervisor if needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an awful lot of cases the person you're speaking to will be more than happy to pass you up the chain of command, no one likes dealing with a difficult customer service situation, particularly when they don't have the authority to resolve the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T15:37:35.013" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4156" CreationDate="2017-09-18T16:10:44.360" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was younger I went through a really rough time. My self-esteem was in the toilet and I wasn't coping very well. One thing that someone told me helped tremendously:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You gain self-esteem through esteemable acts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seemed stupidly obvious, but I gave it a shot and it helped a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Esteemable acts are different for different people. Some people climb mountains, some people run marathons, some people make art. What I found that worked for me was doing community service. Basically I felt worthless, but helping people who had it worse helped me to feel less worthless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyone can be a hero to someone, and believe it or not it doesn't always take much. A sandwich and a kind word can turn someone's whole day around. It's a small thing, but it makes a huge difference for the person who needed that sandwich and a bigger difference for someone who needed to feel like life had a purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Service has a way of making people feel useful and capable. It's worth trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T16:10:44.360" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4164" CreationDate="2017-09-18T16:40:22.260" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I totally agree with indirectly mentioning it. Perhaps you could use your phone to show him something and go incognito. Hopefully, he will ask you: &quot;what is this?&quot;. Explain to them what incognito mode is then mention something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I use it to keep my history searchable and I don't really like people knowing what I search&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't ask &quot;what is this?&quot; then just mention the above sentence out of blue then he should probably ask you what are you talking about then explain what incognito is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibly also mention:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The girlfriend of your friend looked at his history and found he was looking up an ex-girlfriend on facebook or some other social media, they had a pretty hard fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you avoid mentioning porn anywhere, also you don't mention him or his phone. Hopefully, he will understand the benefits of incognito mode and will be a little scared knowing what he has in his history. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With incognito even if there's a tab open it's partially hidden so you don't have to see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if this doesn't work you're left with the direct approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3689" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T16:39:07.627" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T16:39:07.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-09-18T16:45:42.813" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the issue here is that your friend sees rent and bills as &quot;paying to live in the apartment(house/whatever)&quot;, when in reality it's &quot;paying to own the apartment&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you guys set up your arrangement, it was with the intention of having all 3 of you contributing. Had there been two of you, you almost certainly would've ruled out a few more expensive options. Since there were 3, you were able to spend a bit more monthly, so you planned accordingly, but your landlord doesn't care if only 2 of you are there. Neither does your internet provider. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If X &quot;phases out&quot; of payments, soon you'll be living for 3 on a salary for 2, which isn't fair to you. It's always awkward discussing money with friends, but I think you have to bite the bullet here. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey man, I'm really glad things working out between you and your girlfriend, but I don't think (your girlfriend) and I can stay where we are if we have to start taking on more bills. If you want to stay with your girlfriend, that's great! We just need to know what to do moving forward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't accuse him of anything, especially if he's being evasive. Just let him know you guys need to know what to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T16:45:42.813" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4100" CreationDate="2017-09-18T16:51:07.440" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you able to present alternatives, rather than just asking them to stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, for things like drivers playing music on public transport, it's partly because they want to listen to the music and partly just to have some sort of background noise. Asking him to switch to a specific talk radio station may have better success than asking him to turn it off completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside from that, I'd like to second the suggestion for noise-cancelling headphones. Use them with a media player while playing white noise, ambient noise, audiobooks, and so on to help drown out music completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4568" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T16:51:07.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4131" CreationDate="2017-09-18T16:56:46.450" Score="13" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did I do anything wrong in this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes: you defended Crooked Hillary!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ha-ha, just kidding. Well... Mostly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's back up a bit and try to figure out what your actual goal was, and then maybe we can examine where you feel like you fell short of that goal...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The day after the United States 2016 election, I attended a public political discussion club in the United States. I personally am very left-leaning, but this club was a conservative club; in fact, the name of the club was &amp;quot;[location name] conservatives&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to be kinda understating the potential for clashing opinions here, and I feel like that may be a key piece of the puzzle. Let's drop the politics angle for a sec and re-word that introduction with a comparable context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The day after the United States Super Bowl LI, I attended a public football party at a club in the United States. I personally am a huge Falcons fan, but this club was a Patriots club; in fact, the name of the club was &amp;quot;[location name] Patriots Fans&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus stripped of the connotations of politics, can you begin to see where you may have had a poor understanding of how your views would be received &lt;em&gt;before you ever opened your mouth?&lt;/em&gt; There are plenty of Patriots fans who have negative opinions about Tom Brady, but if you're talking to a group of fans &lt;em&gt;the day after a huge, hard-won victory&lt;/em&gt; expecting them to focus on the flaws of their own team and listen to your defense of Matt Ryan is pretty naive. Getting a blank stare is probably a &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; outcome in that scenario...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, let's drop the analogy. What &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; your goal in the actual scenario you described?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way that I could have worded my correction to make it more persuasive, or at least so that it would have gotten a response other than a blank stare?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's pretty open-ended. Presumably you could've jumped on a table and started yodeling, refusing to stop until you got thrown out - that'd definitely have been a less ambiguous response than the blank stare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So let's focus on persuasive. Presumably this was not a formal debate, since if it was then you failed miserably by coming unprepared to respond quickly with a specific rebuttal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, you were extremely unprepared to debate the email issue even &lt;em&gt;informally&lt;/em&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's skip the details of the specific controversy you were stepping into here; this isn't the site for lengthy debates of politics &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; the pitfalls and potential of mechanical classification and analysis. All that's germane is that the subject of &amp;quot;Hillary's Emails&amp;quot; consumed a massive amount of time and focus during the entire 2016 campaign, with details still coming out right up to election day and myriad points of contention, merely &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; of which was the analysis your opponent latched onto. And your best effort to cut that particular head off the hydra was... &amp;quot;something something Software&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please understand; I don't intend to mock you. This certainly isn't a topic I'd be any better prepared to debate; I'm not a data scientist by trade and I'm guessing neither are you, and clearly neither of us have taken up the hobby of tracking the state of the FBI's suite of textual analysis tools. The best we have ready at hand here is an article in a pop-Tech publication that covers such tooling in brief and at a high-level, thus giving us some confidence that there &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; analysis, but leaving us ill-prepared to discuss the finer points such as efficacy or potential areas in which it might fail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're feeling bad about that... Stop. Even if you &lt;em&gt;had&lt;/em&gt; come armed with volumes of facts pertaining to the specific point of contention, &lt;a href=&quot;https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2008/09/does-ideology-trump-facts-studies-say-it-often-does/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;it probably would not have helped!&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These findings, if true, have worrying implications. Cognitive dissonance won't help people make rational decisions, but it also suggests that there's little point in arguing with someone who holds an opposing belief. Could this response be why, despite being repeatedly refuted in the media, the percentage of Americans who believe Sen. Obama to be a Muslim continues to grow? The research might also apply beyond the political to other attitudes—I'm thinking of the constant flame wars between fans of the PS3 and Xbox 360, or Mac and PC users.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-- Jonathan M. Gitlin, writing for Ars Technical in 2008&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you should've just given up, right? After all, you were in the wrong place, ill-prepared, and it wouldn't have helped anyway...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...Well, no. That's only true if your sole solitary goal was to change someone else's mind. Since you're asking here on a site dedicated to interpersonal &lt;em&gt;communication&lt;/em&gt;, I retain some hope that you asked this question because you actually want to get better at &lt;em&gt;communicating&lt;/em&gt;, not mind control - that regardless of your ideology, you realize that you can't go into a conversation expecting the outcome to be everyone involved thinking exactly like you do... So with that in mind, let's go back to your original question...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Why none of this matters&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did I do anything wrong in this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes: you spoke instead of listening. By your own admission, you're not a regular attendee at these meetings, and you only knew a few people in the room. Most of the people there would've had no reason to trust your word on &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt;, but in particular they would've had no reason to care about your opinion on some bit of minutia tossed out in the context of a larger discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mistake had nothing at all to do with politics, persuasion, or facts... It was a classic social faux pas - &lt;a href=&quot;http://tirania.org/blog/archive/2011/Feb-17.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the Well Actually&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whoever pulls a &amp;quot;well, actually&amp;quot; almost always shifts the conversation to himself. And now we are no longer following along with your friend's joke, we get to learn how much more you know about the limitations of the Sun Protection Factor scale in sunblock products.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The election was over. Nobody in that room cared about the emails or the FBI's analysis of those emails, just as no one at my hypothetical Super Bowl party would've cared about hearing the technical details of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deflategate&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;rule-abiding ball inflation&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were looking for an opportunity to be persuasive, the first step would've been to get to know your audience: by listening to them, perhaps asking questions, developing an understanding of why one candidate's shoddy IT department was so important to them that they were still discussing it. And then, starting perhaps with someone you know, you could broach &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because let's be honest: you don't particularly care about the emails or the FBI investigation either, right? You were there, in that room, among a bunch of people you don't know, because you wanted to somehow break down the tribalistic barriers that had grown up between you and them, to see if it was possible to get past the wearying, poisonous, abrasive trivia that'd consumed the entire campaign and together as one focus on the thing that you all shared, that if pressed you all would surely acknowledge as paramount in importance...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Football.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4270" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T16:56:46.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-09-18T16:58:31.860" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Start looking for a new roommate and get rid of him.  Coming from someone who has previously dealt with roommates for 10+ years, your &quot;friend&quot; is not truly your friend if they're trying to pull a stunt like this.  It's really that simple.  If your friend had his own place but spent a large portion of his time at his girlfriend's place or whatever, he would still be legally responsible for any utilities that he contractually signed up for during the duration of his stay.  Verbal contracts, however informal can still be upheld in a court of law.  If he agreed to the internet service, than he has to pay his portion, plain and simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6010" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T16:58:31.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4128" CreationDate="2017-09-18T17:31:44.687" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also live in Japan and have occasionally had guests who want to pay for a meal by credit card. In this situation I would say to the guest, &quot;ah, you might not be able to pay by card - Japan is a cash-based society.&quot; If they don't have cash I'd lend them some until they can go to an ATM. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The phrase &quot;cash-based society&quot; lets them know that they are likely to experience this everywhere, and lending them the money both gets them out of the situation and encourages them to go to an ATM (to pay you back).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also worth mentioning to them that Japan is incredibly safe and they will have absolutely no problem carrying tens of thousands of yen around with them, and also that they can use their foreign card in the ATM in any Seven Eleven store.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6016" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T17:31:44.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4087" CreationDate="2017-09-18T17:38:19.743" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this is a very personal decision based on the maturity of the relationship and your communication styles. I have been in a long distance relationship for 2.5 yrs (friends for 2 yrs before that - also long distance, after the first couple months).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We rarely ever schedule a time to talk! The only instances I can think of were:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One of us was traveling, so we had a different schedule and possibly different time zones to work around&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We had something serious to discuss: scheduling gave us time to mentally prepare, and underscored the seriousness of the topic&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We hadn't talked lately because one or both of us was abnormally busy; one of us would say &quot;hey, when are you free to video chat this week?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, we typically text and IM throughout the day and video chat a few times a week. It's not constant, and (for texts) often asynchronous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It works well because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;We both know each other's schedules and have set our expectations accordingly&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At my old job I could have IM up and chat during the day, but I can't at my current job. It took some adjusting, but we learned when the other is usually available and got used to having hours between texts. It also helps that we're both very computer-oriented people, so there is a lot of overlap when we are both online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This in contrast with an ex-boyfriend, also long-distance, who once sent me a barrage of texts asking why I was ignoring him, while I was in class..)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;We trust each other&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Very important!&lt;/em&gt; Trust will grow with time, but you have to have a good foundation now to even consider it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend can be a bit light on details, and I do get a little sad or annoyed when he disappears for an evening without notice - but I know him well enough to think &quot;oh, it's Friday, I bet he's playing board games and forgot to tell me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also need freedom to make new friends and live your life, without having to check in constantly with your girlfriend or reassure her that you're not secretly falling for your term project partner. (Another thing my ex-boyfriend did.. did I mention he was an ex?!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;We found a way to &quot;hang out&quot; remotely&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We like to watch movies together online and play video games (Minecraft, so it's more like a joint creative project than other types). This will depend on your interests, but try to find something that you can do together remotely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to have video chat up while you work on your own things. We do this occasionally too - that way we don't resent the other for taking up so much time when we need to get stuff done, but we still get to see and hear each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention you have been dating a month and friends for 8 months before that. So while you're probably still learning, you have some usual form of communication now. How often do you phone now? Is one of you more communicative than the other? This will help inform your &quot;policy&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a great idea to discuss this before you move. Ask her what she would like from you in terms of communication - texts? phone calls? handwritten letters? Have you discussed the idea of scheduling with her? Perhaps she has strong feelings one way or another. Some people like the sense of ritual in getting a call every Sunday at 8pm, or are too scatterbrained to ever call unless their phone reminds them. Others don't want to commit to the same block of time every week, or would rather talk about life as it happens instead of saving it for a week at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you move, whatever you agree on, try it for a month or so and then check back in. Does she want you to call more? Do you want her to text more? You'll soon get a sense of what works and what doesn't and can adjust from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T17:38:19.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4156" CreationDate="2017-09-18T17:53:19.177" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is great advice in both answers above. This is a kind of concrete answer to fill in the gaps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has been said already, but bears repeating: Therapy. Therapists are not all created equally. Get a good one and if there doesn't seem to be a good connection between the therapist and your gf, offer to help her find another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Self-compassion&lt;/strong&gt; is different from self esteem. Her low self esteem is reinforced by the negative self-talk that she's incorporated, and it's difficult to argue with those voices. While she's working on the negative messages of her inner dialogue (&quot;I'm worthless&quot;), encourage her to think of herself as deserving of &lt;em&gt;compassion&lt;/em&gt;. It's pretty hard to deny that one is worthy of compassion, and easier to tackle than self esteem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Results from [five studies] showed that self-compassion predicted emotional and cognitive reactions to negative events in everyday life, ...buffered people against negative self-feelings when imagining distressing social events, ...moderated negative emotions after receiving ambivalent feedback, particularly for participants who were low in self-esteem. ...self-compassion leads people to acknowledge their role in negative events without feeling overwhelmed with negative emotions. In general, these studies suggest that self-compassion attenuates people's reactions to negative events in ways that are distinct from and, in some cases, more beneficial than self-esteem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Self-compassion is a kind of non-judgementalism, of treating oneself as one treats others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Self-compassion entails three main components: (a) self-kindness—being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical, (b) common humanity—perceiving one's experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as separating and isolating, and (c) &lt;strong&gt;mindfulness&lt;/strong&gt; — holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them. Self-compassion is an emotionally positive self-attitude that should protect against the negative consequences of self-judgment, isolation, and rumination (such as depression). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to start practicing self-compassion is to journal. Journaling will reveal some of the negative self-talk that reinforces low self-esteem. When she later reads what she has journaled, she can pick out the negatives and try to evaluate their &quot;validity&quot; as if someone else in her shoes were speaking. Would she agree with their assessment? If yes, why; if no, why not? Would she have compassion for that person? How would she advise that compassion be manifested?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't be her therapist, but you can help her to have compassion on herself, not because she is &quot;a good person&quot; (she doesn't feel like one), but because she deserves as much compassion as does any other human being trying to live. Then help her to find a compassionate response when she expresses negativity towards herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the most important aspects of this is that she &lt;strong&gt;not judge herself&lt;/strong&gt; for doing this &quot;wrong&quot; or &quot;badly&quot;. Don't tell her she's wrong to &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; the way she feels. Facts can be wrong (&quot;You &lt;em&gt;aren't&lt;/em&gt; worthless/You are kind/you are intelligent&quot;; those are facts.) Feelings aren't facts; they aren't right or wrong. They just are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need concrete help, I'd advise a journaling guide called &lt;em&gt;The Self-Esteem Guided Journal: A 10-Week Program (New Harbinger Guided Journal)&lt;/em&gt;. Though it is labeled &quot;self-esteem&quot;, I would put it in the self-compassion category. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another powerful resource is a book called &quot;Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life&quot; by &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Kabat-Zinn&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Jon Kabat-Zinn&lt;/a&gt;. It teaches how to practice mindfulness and gratitude, both important to feeling better about life. Zinn is no fly-by-night psychologist; he has a PhD from MIT in Molecular Biology, but has made stress reduction his life's work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't fix your girlfriend, but you can encourage her to treat herself with the same kindness with which she treats others. That's incredibly powerful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2007-06231-009&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15298860309032&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-journaling-tips-to-help-you-heal-grow-and-thrive/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;10 Journaling Tips to Help You Heal, Grow and Thrive&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T17:58:52.880" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T17:58:52.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4143" CreationDate="2017-09-18T18:24:32.107" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The others all made excellent points, this is definitely abuse: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bpdcentral.com/help-for-families/bpd-articles/?What-to-do-when-feeling-manipulated-by-suicide-threats-10&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Emotional Blackmail&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2011/11/manipulated-by-suicide-threats/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Another link&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, an important point has not been mentioned yet: you gotta save your own life...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This woman seems mentally unstable, therefore you cannot expect to be able to anticipate what she will do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you leave her, she could seek help and heal (let's hope for this) or find another boyfriend and repeat the process, but she could also ruin your life:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she kills herself, you will be suspected of abuse, and at least go through an unpleasant interrogation. If she leaves a suicide note blaming it on you, then it could be a lot more unpleasant.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She could simply accuse you of abuse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She could make a false rape accusation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She could also go for the timeless classics like destroying your car. That's way less important, of course, it's only a material possession.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, next time she threatens to kill herself, call 911 or the local emergency equivalent, and ask them for advice about what to do (always a reasonable thing to do anyway when someone threatens to kill themselves!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will have a recording of you calling for help, which you can later use in case of legal trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Backup the emails and record all the calls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean you have to be mean to her! On the contrary, you should help her find help with a professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you should really end this relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T19:21:06.163" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T19:21:06.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4156" CreationDate="2017-09-18T18:43:20.057" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say achieving things helps create confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, she needs an activity she likes and can be proud to be good at. Can be anything: gardening, programming, any kind of sports or martial arts, playing music, drawing, writing, cooking, being a know-it-all about a topic, home decoration... anything. She should choose, you can suggest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm hinting at is that you shouldn't be proud of her just for existing. You should help her find it in herself to do things that she's proud of, and that you are proud of, so you can find more opportunities for compliments and other little words of positive reinforcement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not MMORPG gaming, or other stuff that will keep her inside the house, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T18:49:17.903" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T18:49:17.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4187" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4156" CreationDate="2017-09-18T18:46:44.083" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, all the steps you've taken so far have been very good - getting her away from a situation where she had no autonomy, and bringing her into one where she does, is a &lt;em&gt;huge&lt;/em&gt; step for anyone who lacks self-confidence.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next big step for you to take with her is this - give her something to be proud of - to find things she can accomplish for herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't have to be big - in fact to start off, it should be small things you know she can accomplish.  If she can help out around the house/apartment doing chores, then you should encourage her to, and thank her for doing so afterwards.  Reward her for it, whether it's some of her favorite candy or just a kiss on the cheek, let her know she's appreciated, and that her efforts lead to good things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, of course, should be getting her something to do &lt;em&gt;outside&lt;/em&gt; of your living quarters - helping her look for a job or even volunteer work (I highly recommend Habitat for Humanity, but anything local is good) helps build confidence by giving her a sense of duty and something to do during the day.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if she's already employed and helping out around the house, then all you really need to do is remind her of what she &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; already accomplishing - don't flood her with praise, but let her know that you appreciate what she does and how much she helps you out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know there's an urge to try to be there for them all the time, to help build their confidence directly - but from personal experience, the best way for her to build confidence is for her to build a sense of self-worth, and the best way to do that is for her to have something to accomplish for herself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T18:46:44.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4164" CreationDate="2017-09-18T18:57:22.913" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to be too direct, you could mention that you always use &quot;private mode&quot; for sensitive information (e.g. online banking or work related emails). This way, if your phone gets stolen or infected with malware, it would make identity theft harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could adapt the explanation to the situation. The story doesn't need to be 100% factually correct, it should be plausible and somehow related to the current discussion with your friend or colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might find that this private mode is a good idea, and start using it for browsing porn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2102" LastEditorUserId="2102" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T19:39:48.883" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T19:39:48.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4189" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4193" CreationDate="2017-09-18T19:12:26.973" Score="13" ViewCount="2773" Body="&lt;p&gt;My younger sister tells me she's having trouble at her new middle school; one of these is that a boy, who tends to be the class clown and troublemaker, makes fun of her underbite. I told her to notify her teacher about these insults and to absolutely make sure that people will not find out that it was her who told them off. I was relieved to hear that her teacher completely agreed with her, and his parents will be notified, and that her anonymity will be respected. However, she tells me that when the boy was called and taken by one of the school administrators during one of their classes, he returned unchanged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He then made a slightly racist remark on my sister, telling her that her brother is probably Kim Jong-Un (we're Asians if it isn't clear) resulting in a few nearby classmates giggling a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her that she has 3 options, in order of severity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell the teacher.&lt;/strong&gt; Mention that he used a &lt;em&gt;racist&lt;/em&gt; remark and to her it is verbal &lt;em&gt;abuse&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;discrimination&lt;/em&gt;. Those 3 terms have heavy implications and will surely bring a severe punishment to the boy; but since he seems to not care about punishment, this might not do much change.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore him.&lt;/strong&gt; I told her that as long as people don't really have the same opinion as him or the insults don't become viral, it can just be brushed off as an isolated incident. However, what I fear is that if she leaves this untouched, this will alter her reputation at her school which is currently fragile because she has no friends in her class and in her school. She does, however, have a cousin but she doesn't seem to help often, most of the time occupied with her own friends.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make racist remarks back at him.&lt;/strong&gt; This is the most dangerous, but arguably the one that my sister doesn't disagree with. She has been holding back insulting comebacks at him for a long time. The kid is of African origin, so it's quite easy to make up racist remarks at him. However, this is &lt;em&gt;heavily&lt;/em&gt; shunned upon, unfortunately. I obviously don't want her reputation to go hand-in-hand with the term &quot;racist&quot; but again, I don't want to leave her undefended against these insults. So I tell her to be extremely cautious if she is to choose this option.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are my questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is the best way to deal with this type of bullying in the role of an elder brother?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What can I do to prevent this?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user182" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T20:26:02.467" LastActivityDate="2019-04-23T11:47:03.157" Title="How to handle a younger sibling being verbally bullied, with sometimes racist remarks, at school?" Tags="&lt;school&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4190" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-18T19:15:05.743" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T19:15:05.743" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T19:15:05.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4191" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-18T19:15:05.743" Score="0" Body="For questions regarding race, ethnicity, and origin. This tag is not uniquely applied to racism or discrimination, it applies to any questions with the aforementioned criteria." OwnerDisplayName="user182" LastEditorDisplayName="user182" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T20:50:00.683" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T20:50:00.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4133" CreationDate="2017-09-18T19:30:57.867" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It all really depends on why you're escalating.  Let's assume that it's out of the responsibility of Junior staff person.  The question then is a friendly &quot;Hey, I understand this isn't your job.  Can you help me find the person to talk to?&quot;  They're still helping you but you're not being pushy and giving them a way out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're escalating because you're not happy, then it's a harder question.  &quot;Can I talk to your supervisor?&quot; is the most direct. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, are you doing this to a person in the same company?  I'd recommend being careful with escalations there - escalate if need be, but be up front about it.  Going over someone's head without giving them the chance to resolve the issue will result in a broken relationship internally and ticking off your co-workers isn't the path to advancement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T19:30:57.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4189" CreationDate="2017-09-18T19:40:32.330" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Make racist remarks back at him?&lt;/em&gt; NOPE. When they go low, you don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have two equally valid options remaining:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Tell the teacher.&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;Ignore him.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is a one-off retaliation after he got the punishment, I'd suggest ignoring it. Once ignored, maybe there's no longer an issue from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if he continues, then report it to the teacher, or even further, the principal or other more authoritative figure. They should know that whatever corrective action the teacher tried is not enough in this case. If you have your parents with you, that would make it a more formal and convincing complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The authorities are there for a reason. Kids don't have to fight crimes or harassment themselves. They should focus on studies and have fun. The rest of it, leave it to the adults who are trained in handling it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, of course, it would be better to not let it be known to the classmates regarding who made the complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T20:22:47.157" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T20:22:47.157" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4189" CreationDate="2017-09-18T19:45:28.363" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The location is very important, not just for cultural 'clues' to appropriate behavior, but because different countries have different laws applying to situations like this ..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see from the OPs profile [and @NVZs comment] that you're in France. If you were in the US, there are laws and procedures in place to help people take care of this type of bullying behavior ... I don't know with absolute certainty that there are similar laws/procedures in France, but I strongly suspect that there are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of that having been said ... let's look at your 'proposed' solutions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1)  Yes, start with this ... and if you/your parents don't get a satisfactory response, go up the chain to the next level of supervision/administration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2)  Maybe. This may not bring the desired results, but not responding is almost always the best initial response to a bully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3)  Absolutely NOT! This will put your sister in the wrong, and may result in her being punished by the school or expelled. Do NOT do this!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can you do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get your parents involved ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep up the pressure on the school staff/administrators to stop the bullying behavior ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Help your sister not to buy in to the bullying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="458" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T19:45:28.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4195" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4189" CreationDate="2017-09-18T19:46:32.630" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;her brother is probably Kim Jong-Un&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answer: &quot;I know. We have nukes.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, there's one very good line she can pull on a bullying guy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't care what you think or say.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Make racist remarks back at him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOT RECOMMENDED&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she looks korean and the other is african, then all the anti-racists, teachers and staff included, will side against you. Don't do this!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the best way to deal with this type of bullying in the role of an elder brother?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Become buddies with the bullies until they take you seriously enough to respect your demand to stop hurting your sister. It can pay off, but it takes a while, and you may not be interested in becoming bullies with them. I used this tactic in highschool, worked fine, but they weren't very hardcore bullies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Violence, or at least the threat thereof. You could end up with a knife stuck in your gut, though. Inconvenient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) We're all just evolved monkeys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're older, taller, and confident, you can simply earn the younger bully's respect and then capitalize on that to make yourself heard. Thug logic is simple: they respect people who are not impressed by them, and pick on those who are fearful. So you just walk to the guy, stop a bit too close, and say &quot;If someone bothered your little sister, what would your big brother do?&quot; then after three seconds &quot;You won't bother her anymore.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's believable enough, it'll work. You don't actually need to get into a fight. Think of it as monkeys thumping their chest. The most impressive wins, the other walks away knowing who's his daddy, no offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't mention the teachers, because they're always about &quot;second chances&quot; and such idiocy. When I was bullied, I quickly found out that beating up the idiot worked very well. Afterwards, he was kinda my buddy, because thug logic. Even tried to help with his homework, but it was no use, that guy was hopeless. Probably dead of an overdose by now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, be on the lookout for bruises on your little sister, if you see her undressed. I mean, don't stare, but make sure you look. If there is a bruise, talk to your parents, at this point the police would be needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And give her a hug, maybe she needs it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-09-18T19:59:46.600" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T19:59:46.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4189" CreationDate="2017-09-18T19:48:30.370" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Option 2 seems to be the most viable option. But I have a story that I think you'll appreciate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am from India. Attended school in India. Bullying is a big thing in India, but never something actually addressed. The term bullying is not a recognized as something that needs to be addressed. When you go to the teacher about someone bullying you, you usually have the teacher giggle/laugh at the remarks made towards me and a casual &quot;Hey, stop doing that!&quot; and that is it. Nothing more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was the subject of people bullying me and harassing me ALL the time. My classmates called me ugly names, insulting homosexual names (I wouldn't have been offended if I was just being called gay, just the insulting form of that word in it offended me), made fun of my parents, talked crap about me behind my back, every nasty thing you can think of, they've done it to me. Including physically hitting me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a particular point, I just stopped fighting it. I just agree to everything they say, join them, and make fun of myself along with them. For instance:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bullies: Look at this guy, walking around like a [derogatory term].&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     Me: Haha yeah, why do I walk like that, I am so weird!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bullies: Your mom is so fat, does she eat for the entire family?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;     Me: Yeah, I starved last night, do you have something to eat for me? My fat mom wouldn't stop eating my food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just join them and insult myself. You know what this did to the bullies? It agitated them! &quot;No, you are not supposed to laugh at yourself, we are supposed to laugh at you!&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The satisfaction for a bully comes from affecting you. From causing pain to you. Even when my bullies started to beat me, I just grab their hand and hit myself with their hand. I point to my stomach and say: &quot;You missed this spot&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ANYTHING a bully has to offer, take it with grace! Take it like you like it. When they see you not getting affected by their words, they tend to stop. I went through the whole: &quot;I think this guy lost it, he doesn't even react to us insulting his entire family. He is a weirdo&quot; phase. But that is fine. I'd rather not be friends with them anyway, why does it matter what they think of me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is how I learned this: A friend of mine was subject to bullying. He was a good looking fella and all the ladies thought he was attractive. But it is still humiliating to say out loud that some lady is interested in me sexually. All the bullies kept saying that about him. He started responding to that saying: &quot;So what, I am going to marry that woman anyway&quot;. They got bored of it and moved to an insulting homosexual remark. His response to that was: &quot;Oh yeah, come give me some sugar then hot thing!&quot;. I looked at him and thought, &quot;that is a beautiful idea to handle A-Holes like that. &quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When a bully comes up to your sister and says: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Is Kim Jong-Un your father?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell your sister to say this:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah he is about to nuke your house first. Would you like that baby?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make his skin cringe. Make him not care about you because you don't seem to care enough to take offense to his remarks. If you go to the teacher, you are just telling the bully, &quot;Hey you are affecting me stop doing it&quot;. That is what is making him keep coming back. Unless you are going to be able to get him kicked out of the school and out of the city you guys are in, going to the teacher is going to keep backfiring on your sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Things not to do:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not respond with racist remarks. This is going to put you in an incriminating position. You should always hold the high ground.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try not to go to the teacher too much. If the bullying goes out of hand, yes. Going to the teacher is absolutely vital. But not for every little thing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show no weakness. However badly it hurts, ask your sister to control her emotions in front of the bully.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I know my story is based off an Indian experience and it is entirely different in other cultures. My response is just from a human behavior standpoint. Not a legal standpoint. If my answer does not apply to your situation, please let me know in the comments and I'll change my views on this topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T19:48:30.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4199" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4189" CreationDate="2017-09-18T21:58:54.443" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Involve your parents.&lt;/strong&gt; First and foremost, this is something your parents have to take action against by notifying the appropriate authorities (teachers, principal). If her school has a school psychologist they also need to get involved. The school should know what action to take e.g inform the child's parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I told her that she has 3 options, in order of severity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tell the teacher. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.stopbullying.gov/respond/on-the-spot/index.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Intervene immediately. It is ok to get another adult to help.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ignore him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No.&lt;/strong&gt; Ignoring won't stop the child from bullying another child even if they stop bullying your sister. He needs to learn that his behavior isn't acceptable towards anyone not just your sister. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.stopbullying.gov/respond/on-the-spot/index.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Don’t ignore it. Don’t think kids can work it out without adult help.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Make racist remarks back at him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NO.&lt;/strong&gt; This doesn't help anyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.coe.int/en/web/children/bullying&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the best way to deal with this type of bullying in the role of&#xA;  an elder brother?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Educate yourself and others about bullying. There are many resources online. &#xA;You (and your parents) could:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask for a parents meeting about it so that more parents are involved and informed about bullying.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suggest the teacher to hand out leaflets (you could print some out yourself or draw your own) about bullying to every child in your sister's classroom to read and give to their parents. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask your sister's teacher if she would be willing to schedule a day when the children watch a movie about bullying, are asked to write about it and have a discussion in class. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T21:58:54.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4164" CreationDate="2017-09-18T22:20:42.267" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm basically &quot;the IT-guy&quot; for family and friends and have thus both seen and talked about quite a lot of stuff that is, well... controversial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;A gentle reminder&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most important:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Always remember that it's their device and their way of dealing with the information stored on it! Don't try to preach anything related to privacy or you'll be tilting against windmills. Just give them a small reminder that it's possible to clear parts or the entire history, if they want to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A small chat about how websites are able to identify a user is usually more than sufficient to kick off a discussion on privacy which you can use to offer them help with managing their browser-history. With good friends - or people of whom you know that they don't mind talking with you about the topic - you could try being upfront:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I was working on your #insert device# I noticed you had #content# in an open tab/your browser-history. Mind if I show you a few tricks with your browser?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general especially younger people are a lot more open about this kind of topic and won't mind talking about explicit content (Note: &lt;em&gt;this is personal experience, localized to middle-Europe; this might not apply to Nepal(?)&lt;/em&gt;). While this should do to deal with situations where it's already too late for being up-front on what you've seen this kind of situation should be prevented in the first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Privacy and trust&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that friends showing you their device put some trust in you. They most likely don't mind you seeing their history, but might be more picky about other people. Remind them that what is visible to him and you is visible to anyone else who gets the phone into his hands should do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or depending on how tech-savvy they are they might not even realize &lt;strong&gt;what&lt;/strong&gt; they are actually showing to you. Clarifying what you will see when working with their device beforehand might in some cases make this whole issue a lot simpler (and should be done irrespective of circumstances, unless the person has sufficient knowledge to judge what you'll see, IMO). In that case make sure though to tell them that you'll treat anything on their phone/PC as confidential and that you can show them how to get rid of anything in their history if they want you to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case, at least a short word on what you'll do and see to the owner of the device won't hurt and is a fair chance for them to choose what you'll see (and also for you - see below). Keep this appropriate to circumstances, like tech-safeness of the owner of the device, type of content you'll work with, etc.. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to deal personally with the content&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you may not feel comfortable looking at specific parts of their history/open tabs. In that case you should point that out instead. A generic phrase like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that I'll see what you're doing on that phone. I feel a bit uncomfortable looking at browser-activity that is not my own, so if you don't mind, please close any open tabs and clear your history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will get you a device in the state you'd like and/or may start a conversation about the topic, which should also help your purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Legal&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should be mentioned under any circumstances, if such a situation takes place:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend/colleague hands you his work-device, issued by the company, with NSFW-content open or in the history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alongside any company-issued devices usually comes a contract on how to use them. It is common use to restrict the usage of these devices to work-related things and any violation might have serious consequences depending on how the company deals with breaches of that contract (worst-case: you're fired). Telling them to be careful with their history or refrain from visiting any NSFW-content on that device (and telling them that you'll handle what you just did/saw as private) is definitely a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Summary&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be upfront about what you will see, how you will deal with that and what you'd rather not see &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; touching the device. Don't be pushy about your opinion on privacy. This is counterproductive as people will nearly always ignore it. You can try to steer the conversation in the right direction, but don't enforce anything. They may actually keep their history on purpose or don't care. In either way, it's their device and their way and you should refrain from questioning that, unless they put themselves in some serious risk (really serious, not &quot;some dude might actually see that video you watched last evening&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6027" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T14:17:57.257" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T14:17:57.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4133" CreationDate="2017-09-18T23:04:19.790" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What Bald Prussian said. Treat the employee as the expert in your problem and in knowing their own store policies, and create a team. &quot;We've talked about what we can do together and I'm really looking for a different solution. Can we go to your Manager and find out what they say?&quot; &#xA;When you meet with the Manager, who's likely multitasking with staff schedules and other information, after a greeting, let your expert teammate lead the conversation. As the Manager looks back and forth between you two, explain that your team-mate has been very helpful, but that you need a different solution because of X. This keeps the staffer from being chewed on later by Manager. You want something different from what you've been offered. Please smile when asking for it, and recognize these people may not be able to facilitate you request and you may have to go even farther. Many companies don't trust their employees to find the best solution, and won't allow set policies to be modified. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5601" LastActivityDate="2017-09-18T23:04:19.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4204" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-19T04:15:12.260" Score="12" ViewCount="835" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been doing some pretty brutal manual labor for the last week or so, cleaning up after Hurricane Irma...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conditions were pretty rough, it was hot, no power, no ac, most of my coworkers were pretty worn down from lack of sleep and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing that seemed to get to everyone the most was our supervisor barking orders at everyone and generally being needlessly harsh and belligerent. Everyone knew what needed to be done, we've all done it before, but for some reason this guy needed to constantly assert himself and remind everyone that he was &quot;in charge&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It got to the point where dealing with him was actively counter productive. The only thing slowing down the process was everyone having to stop and listen to him bark, and much worse to complain about him after he left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I couldn't help but think that someone should pull him aside and spell it out for him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The team is working as hard as they can, if you want them to be more motivated, set an example. Stop barking and put your shoulder to the wheel and work along side us, sweat with us, pull some of the load. Nobody likes a task master in these situations. It's not helping, it's actually slowing everyone down. You can bond with your team through shared adversity or you can piss everyone off, pick one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what I'd like to say but I don't think it's the best way to put it. What would be an effective method to talk with him about his management style while encouraging him to be part of the team rather than doling out orders to others who are more experienced? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T05:06:14.677" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T06:44:16.813" Title="Cracking the whip vs leading by example" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4128" CreationDate="2017-09-19T04:28:23.070" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I communicate to the visitors they're being jerks by not accepting the local customs and using cash.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't. This is a communication problem; the Japanese staff are unable to communicate clearly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what the situation, nothing justifies keeping customers waiting 20 minutes just to pay a bill. I would be furious if that were me. The restaurant staff need to learn to communicate with forigners, especially with the increased tourism here of late. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, in a perfect world the guests would speak fluent Japanese and have a native-level knowledge of the culture, but this is obviously unrealistic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the guests are directly related to you somehow, colleages etc, then it's your responsibilty to mediate this situation. You have local knowledge and can predict these problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update: &#xA;If you know the guests, explain the situation and what has happened in the past clearly before goin out to such places. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Don't try to pay with credit card. The Japanese staff will try to do anything they can to help you and avoid saying no. In Japanese culture, this is a very stressful an uncomfortable situation for them. In the past [insert experiences]. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please make sure you have more than enough cash before you go out.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3365" LastEditorUserId="3365" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T13:24:26.343" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T13:24:26.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4204" CreationDate="2017-09-19T06:10:54.130" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The solution will not come from you...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any type of underling-boss mismatch will end in the underling leaving. No exceptions!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an organisation where a newbie is set uninformed above a set of vets and makes a great big mess of things, well, actually it is not that rare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What they should have done is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;hire an experienced guy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;train the inexperienced guy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;promote one of the vets and hire a new team member&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and in any case&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;monitor the new situation and correct any flaws&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'They' didn't any of that. Ignorance, being cheap, plain indifference, it does not matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are channels, report, if you dare. If you know and trust someone higher up in the organisation, try that and be discrete about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than that, either keep your head down to see him promoted elsewhere or leave, either for another team or another organisation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T06:10:54.130" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-09-19T07:16:18.283" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The adult answer would be to open negotiations about changing the agreement. Obviously, the circumstances under which the original agreement was made are not the circumstances that are valid today, so his desire to change the agreement, though communicated poorly, is reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Agreements once made are not set in stone. They can be changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Handle this in a calm and reasonable manner and you can strengthen the friendship. As others have said: If he only wants to get out of paying for utilities he is actually not using anymore, but will continue to pay rent for a room to keep as his, you are still better off than throwing him and splitting the bills only among the two of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the additional bill means a serious financial hardship for you, this is also something to address from your side when you talk to him. Be prepared that he may have similar issues behind his request, maybe he is paying a part of the bills in his GFs home where he now lives?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One essential part of cooperative negotiation techniques is to talk about motivations, not offers. Not about that he doesn't want to pay the bill but understanding why, and likewise offering your reasons of what you need him to do and why. If you can't afford the appartment otherwise, for example, you have a different talk than if you simply want to keep the original agreement out of principle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T07:16:18.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4210" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4189" CreationDate="2017-09-19T08:19:56.250" Score="0" Body="&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If your sister is psychologically or physically hurt, then it needs to come to the school director or at least the referee teacher.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was a bullied kid when I was in middle school (it was 10 years ago). People didn't like me because &lt;em&gt;I was not speaking like them&lt;/em&gt; (understand that I used vocabulary that you usually find in books) and I looked too serious all the time.  I was verbally assaulted, physically threatened, other kids had fun putting gum in my hair, and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It lasted two months before I decided to talk about it to my referee teacher. I explained everything to her. A week after, the assistant director invited me to meet her and I had to explain everything again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The assistant director was a respected and feared woman. When she summoned my whole class (I wasn't allowed to be in the room) &lt;strong&gt;she asked them why they were acting like this with me&lt;/strong&gt;. They were scared being confronted by a figure of authority. The bullying immediately stopped after that, even if my classmates didn't talk to me that much for a while. But I have never been bullied again since then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the bully kid is likely to respect and/or fear the referee teacher or the assistant director, then I would suggest your sister to go talk to them. That way, they could summon the kid and have a conversation with him/her. No matter what, the teacher and the director need to know. Bullying is a common and severe problem in French middle and high schools and it can put the bullied kid's health in real danger. I don't know how familiar you are with the French school system, but you need to know that if the bully kid goes too far, they can be expelled from the school for a few days, and maybe more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caveat: I grew up in France, and even if there are laws that are supposed to protect people against any racist discrimination, the kind of remarks your sister has to bear are sadly quite common. I'm afraid there is still an important part of the population that support day-to-day racism, even without knowing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-04-23T11:47:03.157" LastActivityDate="2019-04-23T11:47:03.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4211" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4219" CreationDate="2017-09-19T08:20:27.793" Score="26" ViewCount="7529" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner and I are co-habiting, living with my parents. I commute to work Monday to Friday, working 38 hours a week. My partner works from home. He wakes up with me in the mornings to see me off to work and chat to me while I have breakfast. It's become a sort of morning ritual for me to make him a cup of coffee (only him, not one for myself) while I make my breakfast. A couple of times recently I've been in too much of a rush to make coffee, as this takes longer than it takes to make my breakfast and he's been annoyed and irritated at me for not making it. I was a bit taken back by this, but let it slide. Over time he's now come to expect me to make him a coffee in the mornings and on weekends because he works on Saturday mornings from home to the point where he's been annoyed at me for not making one, even if I was still asleep (bearing in mind he wakes up at 7-8AM on weekends to do his morning work).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a discussion, he's admitted that he expects me to make the coffee because I do little else around the house (despite me working full time with a 1 hour commute each way to work); on the other hand to this, he also does little else in the house, save for empty the dishwasher and tidy up our room, which is where he works from - so most of the tidying is the mess caused by his work anyway. The rest, he leaves to my mother who is a stay-at-home wife. He's also said to me that he doesn't understand how it's rude to expect me to do this for him. I don't mind making the coffee, but the expectation of it really grates and irritates me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it has any bearing on the context, this is a male/male relationship. He is German, I am English in case of any cultural differences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I explain that the expectation of somebody to go out of their way to do a favour for somebody else is rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6039" LastEditorUserId="1798" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T10:31:18.997" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T16:00:30.767" Title="How to explain to someone that expecting a favour from you is rude?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4212" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-19T08:26:04.063" Score="2" ViewCount="2697" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a distant friend/acquaintance who I'm on good terms with. I would say stop and say hi to them if I see them in public and make small talk, but nothing much more. Lately, he has been continuously trying to make conversation with me over text and other social media platforms, to the point where I find it bothersome. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like he is trying to make conversation just for the sake of talking, and very rarely about anything I'm actually interested about. All he does is ask me never-ending questions and sometimes it becomes both annoying and exhausting. I have tried to hint that I am not interested by responding with one-word messages or short phrases, or, sometimes, by not responding whatsoever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's still pushing conversation, even it feels like I'm being interrogated (he isn't great at keeping an engaging conversation). He is also very emotionally sensitive: a while ago, I requested that he give me a bit of space because I was going through a hard time (true, not an excuse). He then went to a mutual friend and started worrying about if I hated him. How do I stop him without hurting his feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6040" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T06:19:54.543" Title="How do I get over-sensitive acquaintance to stop talking to me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4213" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4211" CreationDate="2017-09-19T09:13:34.303" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you have already explained it and he is choosing to refuse that idea because it doesn't fit with what he &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt;.  I don't think though that it's something you cannot work around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I got advice from my (extraordinarily wise) grandmother when I was young, and I thankfully took it (in this case).  When with someone romantically, it is advisable to aim to always do one nice thing for them every day.  She said, try for 3 when it's possible, but always do one.  She had a lovely extremely long marriage, so it seemed to me she likely had some good ideas.  They were very much in love still when my grandfather passed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think actually making coffee every day, particularly when you do not drink it, was a mistake.  I think it was one done in love, but still a mistake, for this reason.  Once you do something, the same thing, enough times, &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; person grows to expect it.  It's human nature.  So by doing so every day, you set him up to believe this was going to be how it went.  Now, when you explained you no longer wish to, he should respect that.  I agree.  This doesn't excuse that.  What I am getting at, is that on one day you make coffee, another day you leave an &quot;I love you&quot; note, another day you pick up his coat or shoes and put them away for him, or bring home some gum or mints he likes or whatever.  It really doesn't matter &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; you do, as long as it's different &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; something he will see is &lt;em&gt;for&lt;/em&gt; him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been with my husband 25yrs now and I can promise you this has worked wonders for us.  I can tell when we fall out of practice and he does it for me as well.  There are a million small gestures you can make, even when very busy.  A quick text that is sweet, a note in a pocket.  Sometimes I do something he doesn't find for days or even weeks, like in a pocket, in his glove box of the car, etc.  I even mail him things to our own home or to his office.  He always logs into his computer first thing to check on things at work and I will even just leave the window open to our song on youtube.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this spirit of &quot;sweet&quot; reminders to one another that you love each other, it is never okay to make some demands on &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; the other must do.  So he cannot then tell you that you should be making him coffee.  If it were me, I'd reiterate that this isn't working well for &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; and then just start doing other little sweet things and see if he keeps up being irritated about coffee.  My thought would be that he won't and likely he was equating it to some love gesture first thing in the day that he now misses.  He may also miss you quite a bit if you are gone all day and he is working from home with little contact with outside people.  When I worked 45hrs with commute of an hour it was 60hrs by the time I factored in commute and lunch.  I am not sure how many hours you are gone in total.  I was thinking you meant 38+ the 1 hrs each way with is gone at least 48hrs then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T09:13:34.303" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4214" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4212" CreationDate="2017-09-19T09:24:39.180" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, talk to your mutual friends who X might consult/vent. Explain that you do not hate him, but feeling disturbed by the frequency of the communications. And then there's also the uninteresting topic. &lt;strong&gt;Emphasize that you just need him to slow down, and you do not hate him.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, deal with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mute (not block)&lt;/strong&gt; your channel of communication to him.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is to prevent you from getting distracted by the notifications, and to slow down your response time. Try to catch up to his messages only on regular times:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;8 AM, &lt;strong&gt;12 PM, 6 PM,&lt;/strong&gt; 9 PM. &lt;sub&gt;I recommend the bold ones&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may notice the pattern and expect response on those times. This will solve the problem your getting overwhelmed by the frequency and his feeling ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first he may question the change, but you can just deflect it by saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, a bit busy here lately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Change the topic if the topic is uninteresting to you. Or in chat, simply say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;brb&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; (be right back) and continue with your stuffs, if you feel don't like to continue the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also want to &lt;strong&gt;be direct&lt;/strong&gt; and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm not into sports, but I enjoy music. Do you like it too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find a common interest, this may be a start of a new friendship. If not, just consider this person as acquaintance and move on. Slowing down the expectation is the right way to do this without cutting him off your life completely.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T10:29:05.690" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T10:29:05.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4215" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4120" CreationDate="2017-09-19T09:52:46.860" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to add to @anongoodnurse's excellent answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A proper (personal and detailed) thank you in some way (letter, phone call, etc.) is the most appropriate response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be, though, that the estranged grandfather is making some kind of attempt to reconnect, to repair the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My source for this? Personal experience.  In my grandparent's generation, there was some kind of unpleasantness and different branches of the family were not in contact.  For a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Out of the blue, a great-uncle of mine gave generous gifts to several family members.  It was a reaching out gesture, and it was a step to repairing the rift in the family.  We had a pleasant, undemanding connection from then until his death.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what is better here, a letter or a phone call (though I am a big fan of letters when a relationship is damaged).  Your uncle (or your parents) might have a suggestion.  But consider (this is an option; a no-strings-attached gift does not obligate you) either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;writing a thank you note and adding a line leaving an opening for&#xA;more contact. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate hearing from you, even indirectly, after so many years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibly adding:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would love to be in touch again. If that is true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;making either a thank you phone call or a followup phone call after&#xA;the thank you note, just to say hello.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However you do it, since he is reclusive, do it in a non-demanding way, so he can refuse, or back out quickly, without being hurtful, if he is uncomfortable with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not have to do this.  Think it through carefully -- what are the reasons for the estrangement?  If it was because of problematic behavior such as not respecting people's boundaries, abuse, etc.  then I do not recommend that you do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If for other reasons, it could open the door to a rewarding relationship that you otherwise might miss out on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1810" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T09:52:46.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4216" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4223" CreationDate="2017-09-19T10:01:07.080" Score="21" ViewCount="5209" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently sold my first car to someone. The sale went very fast, they test drove it, looked at it and signed over the car. This was about 3 weeks ago. All of a sudden I get a text message 'Can you please contact me about an engine issue with the car'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner is out of town until Thursday so I don't want to engage in anything before that anyway, but honestly I don't want to engage in anything at all. &lt;em&gt;According to my legal advisor I am not liable for the new damages.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I politely say I do not wish to be contacted about the matter?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I deleted parts of the question as debating wether or not you think a&#xA;  buyer is liable for the car damage is not the point here. I would like&#xA;  advice on how to politely hold her off, that is all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="1681" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T07:43:03.817" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T15:49:20.200" Title="How do I decline contact with a previous buyer?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;responsibility&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4216" CreationDate="2017-09-19T10:27:22.713" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd at least hear the person out.  Someone I know sold her car and was contacted after.  She sold it to a teenager.  They found inside it several photos she did want as well as over $50.  While it's possible they are trying to get you to cover some problem or something, you can't know what it's about without contact.  If you prefer to wait until Thursday then I see no reason you can't do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I live there is nothing you could be responsible for &lt;em&gt;unless you knew&lt;/em&gt;, meaning you lied about mileage (old cars you used to be able to manipulate mileage if you knew how).  Anything you didn't know about (even if had been stolen and you sold it not knowing that) would be no problem for you.  You don't appear to be a car dealer.  I can't recall how many cars you have to sell in a year before the rule changes (and counts you as a &quot;dealer), but at one time I know it was 4 or more made you under some other set of rules, 3 or less was just &quot;as is&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T10:27:22.713" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4211" CreationDate="2017-09-19T11:45:29.540" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;This seems like a problem of misaligned expectations and entitlement. From your side, making the coffee is a nice favor to do when it's convenient for you (when you have the time, in the course of making your own breakfast). It was regular enough that he's come to expect it, which is understandable. However, what's less understandable is his feeling that he is &lt;em&gt;entitled&lt;/em&gt; to a cup/pot of coffee brewed daily by you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be one thing if he came to rely on you doing something and then, if you miss, he's in a difficult position, but unless you have some really elaborate technique making a cup of coffee is not difficult and, at most, a minor inconvenience for him. Instead, from his side it seems that he's looking forward to a coffee without his having to do anything and is disappointed to not get it. That's also understandable, but his reaction is inappropriate-- it converts a kind-hearted gesture from you into something that is owed to him, based on nothing and in service of nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Particularly troubling in this case is his comment that you do little around the house. It's not clear to me that he's &quot;owed&quot; some fixed amount of domestic labor from you which he happens to collect in coffee preparation, but if he really feels that way it might be worth sitting down and sorting out who is responsible for what tasks around the house to make expectations clear and the burden of work roughly even (or at least at a mutually agreed upon level).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, as for how to tell him, I think that being direct will be valuable in this case. You can tell him that you don't mind, perhaps even enjoy, making coffee for him but that sometimes other matters (like getting to work on time) mean that you won't be able to do it. If he's willing to enjoy the coffee when it's available then great, you can continue making it, but if he will only think of it as your job that you owe to him then your nice gesture is causing problems and it might be best not to continue. If it really becomes a big issue, perhaps you could get a drip coffee maker with a timer so that you can prepare the coffee at night and still have it fresh in the morning, whether you can attend to it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T11:45:29.540" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-09-19T12:07:41.977" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friend stated that he won't pay the bill anymore. That's the start of the discussion, not the end. It's an attempt at a pushy negotiation tactic. What he actually did was starting a negotiation, by making an offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think the offer is fair, you can take it, if you think it isn't fair, &lt;strong&gt;make a counteroffer&lt;/strong&gt;. The counteroffer could be keeping the current arrangement, but from an outside perspective that doesn't seem fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the counteroffer, you should at least consider the bills you share and how much you save by his absence. He doesn't use electricity, shared supplies, gas, and you may even get away with slower and cheaper internet. You &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; also consider the value added by his absence (less waiting for the bathroom, etc) if you wanted to. Or you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; add costs for the stuff he doesn't do, like shoveling the driveway in winter, mow the lawn, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As part of the counteroffer you can also add things that are not money. One thing I suggest is that you &lt;strong&gt;change the rental agreement&lt;/strong&gt; so X's name is removed and he has a separate rental agreement where he rents from you and your girlfriend. That will make it much easier for you when either he or you decide to move out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T12:07:41.977" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4216" CreationDate="2017-09-19T12:14:31.570" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the states, when you sell a car to somebody, unless expressly stated, you sell it &quot;as-is&quot; with no warranty which means you are not responsible for issue with the car unless you hid them from the buyer. It sounds like you gave her all of the paperwork. So you are off the hook. Also, lots of people are bad people and she could be trying to scam you out of money and the car. So I wouldn't discuss anything with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would respond to a text with &quot;I'm sorry your car is having troubles. I gave you the complete history of your car's repairs and inspections and there were no known issues. Because of this, I do not wish to be contacted again. Thank you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way it is in writing, civil, and polite. In the US it isn't harassment until you tell them to stop contacting you. If you tell them to stop and they keep doing it you might have a shot a harassment filings. But unless it is crazy excessive I wouldn't file anything. I would keep that in my back pocket just in-case they try to sue for the engine (doubt it because personally I believe it is a scam) and then counter-sue.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I took the advice of a comment that said do not call it &quot;the car&quot; during communication. So I changed some &quot;the car&quot;s to &quot;your car&quot;s. Again, I want to reiterate, don't have excessive communication with them. I advocate for only a SINGLE text between the 2 of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1833" LastEditorUserId="1833" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T13:41:58.343" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T13:41:58.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3265" CreationDate="2017-09-19T12:30:13.023" Score="1" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Dealing with Anxiety Without Control.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My work requires a lot of conference calls. It isn't unusual for the calls to have three or four countries on the line. The firm I work for solves difficult problems for large facilities; along with their own technical staff. So it is almost always true that there are people in the call I have never met or spoken with before; and further that these people don't follow any CC rules at all. They do and say whatever they want; come and go as they please, and may or may not be on the next call with this client. Due to the international nature of our clients, calls can occur at any point on the 24 hour clock.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even the people on our side are not fixed: Due to the nature of work the team assembled to solve it depends upon the problem: I'm American, but only about a third of our specialists are Americans. My particular super power applies to about 25% of clients. Other super powers on our side hail from Germany, Sweden, the UK, France, Japan, China, Canada --- and more I'm not thinking of. The firm I work for has specialists scattered around the world, and most (like me) are not 9-to-5ers, but are invited to teams when their skill is needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, although I don't have a hearing problem, I often deal with strongly accented English from non-native speakers I cannot control. (I am never in charge of these meetings; I am not a project manager). Further, clients often discuss something during the call with each other, in a language I don't understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to deal with it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Preparation, and Zen.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do what you can with your OWN equipment; make sure you can work hands free and wireless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can record the call, do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you know how to mute your microphone in an instant (I work from an office in my home; but interruptions happen. Deliveries, dogs outside, neighbors we are friends with, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before the conference starts, I get a full list of attendees from the call organizer. I arrange a plain chart with names and roles on a legal sized paper; more than one if needed. I keep track of questions I have on the call, written near the person I think needs to be asked, or written separately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am working the whole call, trying to follow the conversation, contributing if I get the chance, or writing notes for my Qs and Answers if I don't get the chance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the call, I go over these notes and try to figure out what I still don't know, and who can help me with that. I will be contacting the project manager (or call organizer) with my questions and any answers I thought of, but it is important to do some of this while the call is fresh in my head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;The Zen, or Understanding:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe if people are talking over each other, chances are the topic is not settled. I don't make an effort to understand them (and get anxious for failing), I'm okay with not knowing what is going on and use that time to note the time and keywords to write a question later, by email. If they end up agreeing or gaining a new insight during the CC, I have a check-mark for that, if I don't understand the insight, a question-mark for it: They figured it out, ask exactly WHAT they figured out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not think of my role as being the best in the room at &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; except my narrow area of expertise. I will talk over people that try to TAKE my role or speak for me. But my role is not to contribute to every conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, the whole point of the meeting is to be real time and save time by hashing things out in conversations. But I know myself: I am not fast on my feet, I don't think of ramifications quickly, problems or responses or rational arguments that seem obvious in retrospect just don't occur to me in conversations. I don't think that way, and I am not paid to think that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for me, the CC is almost never the end of the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not anxious (anymore) because I have perspective. My job is to be great at one relatively narrow kind of task. If I am on the team, then all my crew on my team and all the crew on the client side want and need me to succeed at &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;my one thing.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; Just as I want and need other specialists to succeed at their specialties, and I will help them in any way I can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On our side, we have project managers whose specialty is to know everybody and what they do, to be a good conversationalist and to manage the information or decisions that come out of such calls. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually follow up with them, in emails or by phone, to get clarifications, to make arguments I couldn't make during the call, and to answer questions when I did not get the chance to talk (or just didn't think of an important point at the time). I can note who I think said what, and if I recorded the call the times in my notes let me review in private what was said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A business CC is not a sports game or contest to be won or lost in the moment. I have been on CC that lasted an hour, where I did not say a thing other than introduce myself --- But a day later, after a few clarifications and a night's sleep, suddenly realized how to solve the problem being discussed with an approach that actually worked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think nobody really cares that I had no idea how to solve it and nothing to contribute during the CC. Including me! It got solved.That is what matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T12:30:13.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4216" CreationDate="2017-09-19T12:34:59.013" Score="25" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it 'fair' to say it's not my responsibility?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you are in Europe, I recommand that you check the &lt;a href=&quot;https://ec.europa.eu/transport/road_safety/topics/vehicles/inspection_en&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;European Vehicle Inspection&lt;/a&gt;, its &lt;em&gt;autofore&lt;/em&gt; link, and related links on the right menu. Give great advice and help with the laws.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Europe, all vehicles must have a &lt;strong&gt;technical inspection&lt;/strong&gt; (new car: after 4 years, then, used cars, every 2 years). In case you sell a used car, as you did, the test must be done by a certified inspection center, and be less than 6 months old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't sell a car without this inspection:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you did not have it done, you're in trouble.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you did it, you're fine&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;em&gt;Everything that comes after is not your responsibility any more.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can I say I don't wish to contact her about the car?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you're left with the moral part of the deal. I sold some used cars over the years. Good ones, with the inspection test done. No worries. But I would just answer her, listen to what she says, and &lt;strong&gt;if she wants to blame you for anything that happened after the deal, politely decline.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't answer her, she might want to get you into trouble, or go to the police/court, and it will only escalate. And cost a lot of money. I would definitely listen to her, so I know what she wants, then, it depends on what she says/asks...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;: after you (OP) mentioned that &lt;em&gt;according to my legal advisor I am not liable for the new damages&lt;/em&gt;, and that you &lt;em&gt;would like advice on how to politely hold her off&lt;/em&gt;, I'd say a ferm and polite way would be to let her know that you won't go any further into arguing over this issue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sorry to hear from you that you had some problems with the engine. &lt;strong&gt;We had the APK done, and it was OK&lt;/strong&gt;. I gave you the proofs/bills for inspection and repair. We then agreed and had a legal deal and sale. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about that anymore, and &lt;strong&gt;I am neither responsible nor liable for anything that could occur after the sale&lt;/strong&gt;. And I can't be of any kind of help, as it is &lt;strong&gt;your car now&lt;/strong&gt;, and &lt;strong&gt;I can't legally interfere&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you find a solution on your own, and can get the engine fixed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And nice closing greetings with your own words...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T10:15:05.680" CommentCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4225" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4228" CreationDate="2017-09-19T12:52:57.420" Score="56" ViewCount="12923" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a childless female 20-something who occasionally comes in to contact with other people's children. This happens anywhere really, at work, stores, museums, movie theatres, just around the neighborhood. And sometimes these children are being rude. I tend to be very forgiving about things like someone bumping into me accidentally and will say &quot;No, no, it's fine.&quot; But when someone does something like cut in line or talk during a movie I will ask them not to. With adults I feel comfortable doing so, but when it is a child or young teenager I am not sure if it is appropriate/how the parent may react. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this question I will limit it to when the parent is there and does nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I was in a museum using an interactive exhibit when a child squeezed into the small gap between me and the exhibit, pushing me out of the way to use it themselves. Their parent was only three feet away and watched this happen without saying anything. I wanted to tell the child something like &quot;Excuse me but I was using this, would you mind waiting your turn?&quot; but I was concerned about the parent reacting negatively to me correcting their child so I walked away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these situations I am mostly worried about the parent. When it is just me and the child I usually say something and as long as I am gentle and polite the child seems to understand and correct their behavior. But I have seen parents go nuts when someone says anything remotely corrective to their children. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such a situation should I say something the child or the parent? Is there a particular way I should phrase it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems wrong to just let such things happen and not say anything. I wouldn't let that fly with an adult so why should I let it go with a child?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: To add some clarification I am in the US. And the age range I had in mind was 6-13. That seems to be when they are still oblivious to their surroundings but old enough to understand if I were to say something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answers seem divided on whether or not to direct the comment to the parent or child. Both sides make good points so I am still unsure which would be best. It seems like in the majority of cases speaking to the child would be alright but in the minority of situations where the child has behavioral issues it could easily go wrong. If this isn't resolved in the answers I might make a new question about that specific case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5682" LastEditorUserId="5682" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T15:10:21.080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T01:04:48.837" Title="Can I correct other people's children in front of them?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4226" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4216" CreationDate="2017-09-19T13:07:42.013" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In terms of the sale &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caveat_emptor&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;caveat emptor&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt; applies. This is pretty much universal for private sales of items. If you were a dealer then she might be able to come back to you under some fixed warranty period (3 months in the UK) but as it's private it's just bad luck. The car was sold &quot;as is&quot; with no warranty implied or otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can express your dismay at the failure of the vehicle, but it's not your problem, assuming all the paperwork was in order at the time of sale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1669" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T13:07:42.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2017-09-19T13:10:13.397" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see nothing &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt; with what you proposed saying &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; than I don't ask questions to anyone (especially children) that aren't really questions (meaning the would you mind part).  As long as your tone is kind and gentle, there is no flaw in doing so.  It still won't always be received well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was shopping once and a random child ran up and attempted to grab my cart and run off with it.  I was perfectly nice and simply told them that this is my cart with my purchases and they cannot play with the cart.  The adult approached me very aggressively lecturing me about how the child was their foster child and &quot;didn't know better&quot; and how I should expect them to, blah blah.  I had no such assessment, I merely told them they couldn't take it and said it nicely.  It required nothing to be said to me as I wasn't even slightly abrupt to the child, all I did was stand there holding the cart while she was trying to pry their hands off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you are asking &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you can say it &lt;em&gt;nice enough&lt;/em&gt; to never upset the parents, you can't.  You can't control the reaction people have to it.  You are well within your rights though to say something that addresses it politely if a child has acted in a way that is directly rude to you.  Children need adults to model proper interactions.  All children do.  Mine do as well.  I take no issue with an adult politely telling my child to pay more attention and be polite.  Children get excited sometimes and forget their manners entirely.  If someone says it nicely, it completely saves me from having to walk over to do it.  I will already be on my way, as I don't &quot;do nothing&quot;, but if I keep coming it's merely to tell my child you are right and that they need to make sure something is open and available, not just take over.  Different parents &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; react differently though.  That is just how it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T13:10:13.397" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2017-09-19T13:10:21.147" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can definitely say something in the situation you described. You are not correcting the child's behavior, you are just voicing the inconvenience caused by someone to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see a child throwing rocks at pigeons or swearing/cursing other children, then probably not. Even though it is a bigger problem, it is a problem that does not concern you. It is just a beautiful display of horrible parenting and your comments on that is directly targeted against the parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in your situation, even though it seems like the same thing, you can comment because you can make it seem like this: The kid was just excited and you were really in the middle of something that the kid interrupted because of his own excitement. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;With everything, phrasing is very important:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;How do you go about saying this without coming off as &quot;baby-hater&quot; or &quot;parent-insulter&quot;(?):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk like the child is still adorable. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Never use the word no. There are actual parents who think saying no to their kids is wrong. So, they don't want a random stranger saying no to their child.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be nice and sweet. Not even for the parent's sake, but for the child's. You don't want to hurt the child's feelings. They are still children after all. They only know what they've been taught.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point 3 does not imply &quot;teach them the right way&quot;. Do not sound like you are teaching them. Just express the discomfort they've caused you. Not why what they did is wrong. Teaching them the right way could really get you into a fist fight with some mom/dad.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not touch them or grab them . I know this is obvious, but I am not talking about mean grabbing. Even a friendly Hi-5 or something after you talk about something. Just keep your hands to yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Smile as you say something to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most importantly, in order to avoid a big scene, use a childish/playful voice to say this to the child. Make the child think you're playing with them, make the parent thing you're just being sweet. Get the point across.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;P.S.:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I couldn't think of any examples to specify but I will update answer as and when I get some examples in my head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T15:36:36.340" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T15:36:36.340" CommentCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2017-09-19T13:38:40.170" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand your concern and I've been in your shoes multiple times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please keep in mind the following: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Children are children, they sometimes act impulsively and there is a huge possibility that they still don't know what they are doing is wrong or how to behave in a certain situation (I didn't know that I was supposed to say 'thank you' when I was told I was cute or 'Nice to meet you' when someone was introducing themselves until my teen years) - they are still learning. So they are not so 'guilty' of their actions. So just keep in mind that you have to be gentle whatever your reaction may be.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Nevertheless, however young, they are responsible for their actions. If they are disturbing you, they have to know. Addressing the problem directly to the parent makes the child believe the opposite - whatever they do, others will pay for it. It could also make the parents defensive - not everyone likes to hear that they are missing something on their child's behavior.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have to be very gentle, because if you are too strict maybe you will frighten them (and anger the parent) or make them want to disturb you even more.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, a good approach would be something &lt;strong&gt;polite&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;playful&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey hello! I really want to play with the exhibit a little longer, will you wait a few more minutes so I can do 'enter a exhibit-related interaction here'? You can do that too after watching me, it's really fun! Look...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The child probably was too excited to pay attention to you in the first place, you wouldn't like to make the little one sad! This approach could work on almost everything, no angry parents or children. Just try to speak their language, share their enthusiasm and you will be perceived as the nice young lady that means no offence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T14:00:39.023" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T14:00:39.023" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4230" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2017-09-19T13:39:20.997" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Telling the child directly and politely &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me but I was using this, would you mind waiting your turn?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is adequate. Most parents should appreciate it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Correcting a child's behavior is what parents are supposed to do even if it might seem at first that this is what you are doing. &lt;em&gt;They&lt;/em&gt; are responsible for that, not you. You are just setting boundaries for yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't control how parents might react. Some might correct their child right away and thank you,  some might feel embarrassed and just apologize, some might not say anything and some might get upset thinking you're trying to do their job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a parent gets upset with you, be firm and polite with them just as you would be with their child. Sometimes it's the parent's behavior that needs to be corrected and not the child's. Don't let that discourage you from doing what you think is right. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T13:39:20.997" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-09-19T14:08:48.840" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If this is strictly about the WiFi then change the password and request full payment if &lt;strong&gt;X&lt;/strong&gt; wishes to use the WiFi. This grants &lt;strong&gt;X&lt;/strong&gt; 30 days of access. After 30 days, change it again, rinse and repeat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I am willing to be that this is going to develop into a much larger issue regarding rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Three names are on your contracts so this does not mean the collector is going to hunt for equal payments from each person but rather the collector has 3 people that they can hit up for the full amount owed, period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time &lt;strong&gt;X&lt;/strong&gt; is at the apartment you should call a meeting with them to discuss whether they wish to continue living there because this is not fair to you guys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are looking to sour things then rent his room to strangers and let them treat it however they wish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T14:08:48.840" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4233" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4251" CreationDate="2017-09-19T14:15:24.733" Score="9" ViewCount="1991" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm having problems figuring out how to move forward with a girl I like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About me&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in my mid 20's, about low to average in appearance and style, heavy thinker, introverted, and shy person. I find it hard to understand social interactions in events such as my parties/birthdays. Since I recognized this as a problem (about 6 months ago), I've wanted to change myself.  I started going out more to clubs and pubs, trying to engage in conversations with people that I don't know that well and I think it's helping me in being less shy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the group of people that I go out with (almost every weekend), there is a girl that I like. I try my best to talk to her since I'm really interested in a relationship with this person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is a Korean exchange student here in the US and I'm from the US. (I'll explain about this later in my post)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked her out and she agreed. We've gone to the mall, walked in the park, and we've gone to a restaurant. We talked a lot but nothing happened during the day or after leaving her at her house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problems&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Since I'm still working on my social skills I can't quite grasp a lot of things; like if she is showing me signs or hints of wanting me to make a move on her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can't speak Korean at all. She speaks to me in English, but some phrases are really confusing and wrong, so the language barrier is somewhat present.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is a clear cultural difference.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I tried to change my behavior, but the way I think is that it needs to be slow and natural. Otherwise, it would seem artificial and unnatural. But I think timing is crucial as well. I don't want to take it too fast but if I took my sweet time, it might have its repercussions as well. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I talk to her(which I do frequently), I usually can't differentiate the cultural gap from not wanting to refuse an offer directly. So I continue to invite her because I don't take her texts to mean a &quot;no&quot;, however closely or how many ever times I read them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked some of my close friends about the situation. They said it was a trivial matter and suggested I &quot;just make a move&quot; or &quot;say what I really feel&quot;. I completely understand their advice and I agree, but I can't. It almost feels like I know what to do, but end up not doing anything out of fear and I end up getting frustrated because of me and my actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any observations are welcome and I'm open to them, being critical to the situation or me as a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6052" LastEditorUserId="6052" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T18:02:37.370" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T14:40:24.223" Title="Demonstrating my intentions (date/relationship) while dealing with cultural differences" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;&lt;korea&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4236" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2017-09-19T15:18:11.180" Score="7" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Why not just talk to the parent?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have no problem confronting adults and the parent is there: Don't speak to the child. That is their job. Ask them to please control their child that is being rude and cutting in front of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking as a parent and grandparent, I think I would react better to that than to somebody 'correcting' my child or grandchild, no matter how politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also have the problem that the child may not understand your language, or may be cognitively disabled: We have autistic children in our extended family, they look like normal kids but can be pretty rude. Your attempts to &quot;educate&quot; them or scold them will literally not be understood, and may even frighten them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T15:18:11.180" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4216" CreationDate="2017-09-19T15:35:29.127" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What about something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh man, &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; car broke down? Thats really unfortunate. I just had x,y, and z fixed before you bought it by ____ Repair place. Perhaps they did some shoddy work, I'd suggest contacting them about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck and I hope they can fix it!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This communicates:&#xA;1. not my problem and that you have some sympathy for the unfortunate breakdown.&#xA;2. perhaps the repair place did a poor job and should &quot;fix&quot; it properly this time for free or at a discount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she continues to pester you about it, just keep directing her to the repair place. OR: if she keeps pestering you, just tell her the truth: &quot;I sold you a perfectly functional car and you have all the repair records. This is unfortunate, but the car and its repairs are your responsibility now.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T15:35:29.127" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4238" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4240" CreationDate="2017-09-19T15:37:13.957" Score="75" ViewCount="31422" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was accompanying my 4-year-old son into the bathroom where there happened to be a very large individual. At the sight of him, my son proceeded to say (very loudly), &amp;quot;Daddy, that man is really fat!&amp;quot; as the man was closing the door of the stall. Needless to say, I was more than embarrassed and felt absolutely terrible for the situation. I proceeded to tell my son that it's not acceptable to say certain things out loud and it could hurt peoples feelings, etc... but I am unsure if the man heard us talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As we were returning to our table in the restaurant we saw the man return to his table with his family or friends. I wanted to go to the table and apologize to the man, but I started to worry that this might make him (the man) feel worse. In the end, we did nothing, but I somewhat regret it at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation, is it appropriate for us to apologize to the man, or would that be more likely to (further?) embarrass that individual, possibly in front of other people at his table?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wanted to add that I considered asking this question on the parenting exchange, but believe this is the proper place for it because I am more concerned about if, and how to approach it with the individual, rather than how to address it with my child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6061" LastEditorUserId="6061" LastEditDate="2021-01-27T15:38:08.970" LastActivityDate="2021-01-27T15:38:08.970" Title="Should I have my child apologize to someone after he called them fat?" Tags="&lt;children&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4239" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2298" CreationDate="2017-09-19T15:53:54.610" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I came upon this question only today, but should like to offer this interpretation based on my experience:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A 'good' handshake is one that is so generic or neutral as to be unremarkable. This will differ from region to region and culture to culture. The opposite of a 'good' handshake is not a 'bad' handshake but an 'odd' handshake which can make the recipient uneasy at a primal level and make them mistrust that individual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If exerting a reasonable amount of pressure while shaking hands is normal in your culture, then your coach while encouraging you to develop a 'good firm handshake' was probably warning you &lt;em&gt;against&lt;/em&gt; developing a weak or limp handshake. Because 'good, firm' being the norm, 'weak/limp' might well seem odd and give a bad impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here in India men shake hands with men but not usually with women. Of course women shake hands with women. Shaking hands is common but not at all mandatory: there are many non-touch forms of greeting here and younger or low-status men are not expected to initiate a handshake with older or high-status individuals. This is the cultural norm. Rejecting a socially acceptable handshake also leaves a bad impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I dislike shaking hands in general, but especially dislike damp hands, fleshy palms, limp handshakes and lingering handshakes. I haven't received bone-crushingly hard handshakes since my college days, when a few classmates did try to exert more pressure in 'play dominance.' That tells me adult men here are judicious with the pressure they apply. No need to go at it too hard. Whereas a firm and quick handshake is 'good' in my opinion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this only to emphasise that every person reacts differently to somebody's handshake. However, a 'good' handshake is important because shaking hands leads to the formation of a strong first impression or strong repeat impressions, and you want it to be a 'good' impression. &#xA;Note that these impressions are hardly conclusive: many fraudulent persons have good firm handshakes and one of the nicest, honest and most helpful men I know actually has a limp handshake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, as other answers here have already conveyed, people tend to interpret handshakes not in isolation, but in the overall context of personality, behavior, body language and the cultural situation (for example a handshake with a bereaved friend can be exceptionally long -- literally holding hands for minutes -- because human beings express sympathy and compassion through touch gestures.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Post scriptum: if your handshake is actually very strong then &quot;a firm handshake you have there&quot; is possibly an example of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_understatement&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;classic British understatement&lt;/a&gt;,&#xA;but if the same comment were addressed to somebody with a limp handshake, it would be an example of sarcasm/irony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T16:28:09.743" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T16:28:09.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-19T15:57:10.677" Score="150" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ooohhh, so recognizable! I've been overweight for at least 10 years, the last 6 I'm hitting a BMI of obese. I've worked in a shop, as a cashier. I've twice had little children call me fat, in such a way that is was audible for both me and their parent. They were always in the age range of 4/5 years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never felt an apology was really necessary. What I liked most, is that both times the children's parents immediately told them that 'it is not nice to call people fat!&quot; and explained why. They did so where I could hear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both kids looked really confused. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was the parents that were really embarrassed. The children were very proud. They had just learned the difference between lean and fat persons, and they were able to point out such an obviously fat person to their mom/dad, to show how smart they were!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I think that if you are unsure if the man heard you, audibly telling your kid to not call people fat is enough.&lt;/em&gt; Explaining why it is bad to do so is also good. &#xA;I loved to hear the parents explain that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;not all people chose to be fat, sometimes being fat makes them really sad because they would prefer to be healthy and lean, so it is not nice to say out loud that people are fat&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your kid understands this, and &lt;em&gt;you're sure that the person heard&lt;/em&gt; your kid call them fat, having them offer an apology is good. It teaches them good behaviors that certainly come in handy later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T16:10:07.430" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T16:10:07.430" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4241" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-19T15:59:42.347" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a reason why the following proverb is popular&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Out of the mouths of babes (oft times come gems)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It means that young children will blurt out the truth. It is not the child's fault, he saw a very large man and innocently pointed him out.  And I'm sure the large man is perfectly aware of being &quot;fat&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as a parent, you have the responsibility to explain that words hurt. And words soon become taunts. And taunts can become bullying. And bullying can lead to inflicting physical and psychological pain and suffering. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time, at home, explain this to your child calmly. Give your son examples of when his feelings were hurt, and tell him that large man probably had his feelings hurt hundreds of times.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would have been good manners if you and your son had approached the gentleman when you met him the second time and said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tom would like to say he's sorry for what he said. Please accept &lt;em&gt;our&lt;/em&gt; apologies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you shouldn't beat yourself up over this missed occasion. The moment presented itself but you sensed that the gentleman would either be embarrassed or offended. And you might have been right.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And maybe, just maybe, he's quite happy with who he is and with his weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T07:21:35.140" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T07:21:35.140" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4211" CreationDate="2017-09-19T16:00:30.767" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Looking at the greater picture I would predict that the issue isn't the coffee here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making implicit or explicit lists of contributions in a relationship to derive what everybody is entitled to expect or demand from the other one or which expectation is rude or not usually doesn't work, at least not in a way that helps the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything is voluntary, even the most tiny bit you receive or give. Likewise it can be refused to be given at any time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let this sink in for a moment and become clear about what this means: You have a lot to be grateful for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From that position of gratitude you will naturally feel an urge to return something. Do not let any rules or considerations or conventions dictate what you feel there, just listen to what you yourself feel intuitively. That which you feel you want to do or give purely out of gratitude is what you should do and give. No long-term obligations involved, it can change from moment to moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explicit contracts (&quot;I do this if you do that&quot;) have a time and place too, also in relationships, but the way I see it you're both far from reaching that common ground here. You're also not asking how to reach that stage, you're asking how to tell him something is rude. (Which is even a little rude in itself.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However to answer that too: Telling someone that something is rude is just as simple as saying that it's rude from your point of view. You can also add that you're not willing to discuss on that level. And then just stop discussing about it as long as what is coming feels rude to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be warned: It may not have the effect you're expecting alone because finding a good solution in a relationship always means listening. You can't just talk and hope to be understood and having solved the issue. You need curiosity and wonder more than solutions and answers.&#xA;Your partner also has an own perception, and even if you disagree (which is not uncommon), try to see this: It can be a very fruitful act of love to respect and support someone else's opinion even if you don't share it. Don't necessarily try to cultivate this, just see if it comes to you naturally out of that position of gratitude. Not every disagreement is worth arguing about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If each of you is acting from a position like: &quot;I only do this if you do yours first.&quot;, then who's to start giving? In case you're thinking: &quot;Yeah, I'd be willing to make a start, but I'm afraid he might not return the favor.&quot;, ask yourself if you're really worried about this. If so, ask yourself if this is the relationship you want to be in. If you're not worried, then why not just do that thing which makes his day a little better and be patient to be surprised when you least expect it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A life is long, if this relationship means anything to you, you may as well count it in years, not in days or weeks. A lot can happen there. You may have an accident next month and he has to take care of everything, including your income and visiting you every day, for weeks. You may be lying in your bed and wondering how you could ever make up for it, and you may be a little embarrassed about the coffee thing you were hesitating to make before because now you'd love to make a coffee for him. At least a situation like this might change your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing it in the perspective of years also makes you realize how ridiculous it can be negotiating everything in the present. At some point your love for each other must exceed all other factors, otherwise how are you ever going to reach a sustainable conclusion on anything? Think about that for a moment. Just ask yourself: How could it possibly work if there's not more love for each other than any other factor?&#xA;Just in case you're doubting that love, then wouldn't that raise other questions which are more urgent than the coffee here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that I'm NOT recommending to you to make his coffee. I'm only suggesting to consider a couple of things I think are important. The solution will develop from it naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also discover in the process that you don't feel any gratitude from his side and that this is the thing you're really asking about here between the lines.&#xA;If that's so and it makes you angry, that's a strong sign that you lack gratitude as well, which should be addressed first then.&#xA;If however you're not angry about it and you have all gratitude for everything and yet you're not happy anymore, if you see the situation as it is and you're peaceful about it like that, you'll naturally feel the next steps to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships always make us look in the mirror. There's no point in cleaning or even replacing the mirror if you don't like what you see there.&#xA;Ultimately all argument and conflict is with yourself, and this is where it has to be solved or dissolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6062" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T16:00:30.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4243" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4128" CreationDate="2017-09-19T16:52:52.150" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would tell them that exactly that way. In America, pointing out changes in customs to visiting colleagues and friends isn't rude, so saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;FYI, when dining out, be sure to bring cash as most restaurants do&#xA;  not have credit card machines, and it can be difficult for the&#xA;  restaurant to process your payment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, even if they try to use a card, they are attuned to how difficult it is for the restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having traveled to other countries, and having used card, I would never have known that Japan is mostly cash-based, since it seems so technologically advanced in many ways, and would have almost certainly been caught on the spot, while dining out, with no cash.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6065" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T17:03:47.663" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T17:03:47.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2017-09-19T16:59:21.153" Score="-6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let it go.  Unless it is some issue of the loss life, limb, or property, let it go.  It is not &quot;wrong&quot; for you to let it go as you said.  You can probably get a way with a lot of it, but sooner or later you will say something to the wrong kid and you'll have to deal with the parent(s).  And you never know how people react.  If it is worth it to you to get in a mess, then say something.  If not, let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you?  Yeah.&#xA;Should you?  Probably not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kids have all kinds of reasons they do things.  It may not excuse them, but you'll wish you'd lost your place in line, when you're in a fist fight because Little Johnny lies and says you said or did something you didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2906" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T16:59:21.153" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4204" CreationDate="2017-09-19T17:21:05.727" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your boss sounds like a compilation of &quot;Worst boss of the year - greatest hits&quot; traits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Micromanagement&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's always hovering and checking what you do, to the point of doing nothing else, then you have a micromanager! If you guys can handle hurricane cleanup, you probably can handle a rude boss, barking a few times a day, but no-one can handle a boss constantly breathing over their shoulder. It just drives people nuts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately (or unfortunately) micromanagement is a very common issue, so you'll find plenty of online guides:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.inc.com/kevin-daum/5-ways-to-successfully-deal-with-a-micromanager.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;5 ways to successfully deal with a micromanager&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://hbr.org/2011/09/stop-being-micromanaged&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;stop being micromanaged&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.financialsamurai.com/how-to-deal-with-a-micromanager/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;how to deal with a micromanager&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;New kid on the block, aka wannabe alpha monkey syndrome&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say he's inexperienced and a new hire, so he's probably anxious to assert himself. Unfortunately, he does it wrong, by being too authoritarian, as you say &quot;harsh and belligerant&quot;. Basically he's trying to be the alpha monkey and thump his chest louder than the rest. Of course this doesn't work, but perhaps he didn't get the memo... If this is the case, and he actually tries to do a good job (but doesn't know how to) then he needs to be taught the right ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you take a break, you could all try to talk to him (not just you, I mean the whole team). Suggested lines: &lt;em&gt;We're all out of sleep and on edge, probably you too, please stop yelling, it just adds more stress and we don't need that to get work done. Actually what would help a lot more would be for you to also use that shovel...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or maybe he's just an ass who loves yelling at people and making their lives like hell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T06:44:16.813" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T06:44:16.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-19T17:56:48.300" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure forcing a child to apologize is useful, the person probably knows it isn't sincere and it just draws more attention to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would (and have) corrected my child and apologized myself to the person potentially offended, which was sincere, because the fault is mine: &quot;I apologize, she is still learning she isn't the only person with feelings.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It ends the scene without taking up their time or embarrassing them further, accepts the blame, and lets us walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T17:56:48.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-19T18:57:19.057" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, you shouldn't force the child to apologize, for two reasons. First, the child doesn't know that they have done anything wrong, and they have no reason to know. You may not have taught them that it can be rude to say such observations yet, and they have no idea which observations are rude. To the child, calling someone fat isn't much different from calling someone tall or pretty. They don't realize that &quot;fat&quot; is an insult until they get older.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, obesity is an objectively measurable thing, and it's not a desirable quality - no matter what justifications some people may try to make. Health is a desirable quality. It's a bit like smell; If someone smelled horrible, you'd probably move your kid away from them without a second thought. And it's easy (especially for a kid) to avoid becoming fat; the hard part is losing weight after being fat. You do want your kid to understand that a healthy, active lifestyle with a good diet is desirable (it really is better in every way), and you shouldn't contradict that by pretending that obesity is equal to that. I'm certain that some people are offended by this paragraph, but the point is that you shouldn't teach your child a dishonest contradiction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The lesson that you want to teach your kid is that &lt;em&gt;people don't like to be reminded of their flaws&lt;/em&gt;. That's a more complicated concept, but it's the correct one and your kid will be wiser by understanding it. It will help them learn empathy and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_mind&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Theory Of Mind&lt;/a&gt; which allows them to consider how the other person would feel. That's what makes humans intelligent; not a complex set of contradictory rules over what we should say and think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6068" LastEditorUserId="6068" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T19:05:48.977" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T19:05:48.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-19T18:59:32.583" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will be that guy right now, and risk all the downvotes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the truth offends &lt;strong&gt;me&lt;/strong&gt;, then that is &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; problem. If the truth offends you, then that is your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, the child is only speaking the truth. &quot;That man is fat&quot;. Depending on tone of voice there is no implicit accusation, judgment or condemnation in this statement. These could easily be imparted by the person being talked about. An overweight individual can take offense at a lingering gaze, even if you are looking because they remind you of a relative or friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, the person who may have been offended would be self-conscious and highly critical of their own body. I recognize that body weight may be out of their control if it is the result of their genetics or a medical condition. On the other hand, it could also be a result of their lifestyle. Either way, it is still their problem if they take offense where none is offered. Also, as others have pointed out the individual is well aware of their own weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe, like the Emperor being told he has no clothes, someone who is told they are fat will decide to make a few changes to better himself. There are a multitude of serious health concerns caused by and / or exacerbated by being overweight. It is not easy to lose weight, it takes work. It might take medicine or surgery. It is worth it though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would feel no embarrassment or inclination to apologize on behalf of a child's innocent remark. That said, it is still a good idea to teach children to be tactful when talking about others, and to know when to keep a thought or observation to yourself. Regardless of whether they can hear you or not. They will probably live longer that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6069" LastEditorUserId="14057" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T10:15:14.480" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T10:15:14.480" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4216" CreationDate="2017-09-19T19:04:47.310" Score="2" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're uncomfortable with verbal communication, agree to written communication.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you contact her express your honest sympathies that &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; car broke down.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer her any kind of assistance she needs and you are willing to provide. That means you should offer to send her copies of documentation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is to contact her in good faith. Things to avoid:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't assume anything about the cause of the failure. Make no guesses about the cause of the failure, don't in any way imply the repair shop or her driving style or a scam artist or anything else is to blame.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not imply that she's asking for (or entitled to) money. The only thing she can sensibly ask from you is documentation and information, so at this point anything you write assumes that's the only thing she wants.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she later asks for money, that's the time when you can say things like &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'll get back to you when my partner is back in town later this week, but don't get your hopes up&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T19:04:47.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4233" CreationDate="2017-09-19T19:24:20.827" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have got to make a move.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know its hard because you're nervous and unsure of yourself.  You're probably stuck inside your head the whole time analyzing your conversation and interactions with her and it fills you up with a lot of anxiety about what to do next.  What you need to focus on is the fact that she said &lt;strong&gt;yes&lt;/strong&gt; to going out with you in the first place.  That should give you all the confidence that you need.  She wouldn't go out with you unless she had some interest in you.  You're pretty much half way there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you have to do now is assure her that you're really interested in her because if not, then she may end up losing interest in you if you take too long to show her that you're &quot;physically&quot; attracted to her.  You don't want to run the risk of taking too long and confusing her into thinking that you just want to be friends.  Obviously you don't, so now it's your job to show her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll say it again, she said &quot;&lt;strong&gt;yes&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;!  The girl likes you, so make sure she knows you like her back and not just in a friendship kind of way.  I am not saying you have to be some handsy jerk that is rude and inappropriate, but you have to be able to at least get to first base at the end of the night. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6010" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T22:01:18.300" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T22:01:18.300" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4253" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-19T20:14:33.063" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T20:14:33.063" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T20:14:33.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4254" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-19T20:14:33.063" Score="0" Body="For questions relating to a presentation of one person to another, in which each is told the other's name." OwnerUserId="5987" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-19T21:54:45.997" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T21:54:45.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3265" CreationDate="2017-09-19T20:41:49.430" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I read your question, my first idea is &quot;Jezus, those people are so rude!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that people sometimes start discussing in the middle of the conference call, and you say this is making you anxious. Let's be real: the only people who like that kind of situation are the people who are actually discussing, the others are bored, annoyed, anxious, ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see only one remedy against this kind of situation, and that's preparation: before the conference call everybody must send to a central person all the items (s)he wants to discuss. That central person then sets up an agenda for the meeting, and acts as a moderator during the conference call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people start discussing in the middle of the conference call, then the moderator has the right (and the duty) to intervene and to propose to continue this discussion outside of the conference call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For you, as far as your anxiety is concerned, I think it would be a good idea if your boss was that central person: you'd be very close towards the person in charge of the conference call, and in case you work on the preparation (like putting together the agenda), that would put you in a controlling state and your anxiety would reduce automatically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3969" LastActivityDate="2017-09-19T20:41:49.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4259" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4212" CreationDate="2017-09-20T01:37:31.217" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well first of all you cannot stop someone else doing something.  All you can do is control what you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also cannot control how they react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My impression (and I'm only hearing your viewpoint, of course) is that your friend is trying very hard to do something they're not good at (develop friendships).  This may be one of several things :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're just trying too hard and don't understand this&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're possibly not aware of the need to listen (it's an art people do not practice enough)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; may not be good at listening. :-)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They could be romantically interested in you (not enough info to do more than speculate).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They could be a very needy personality which can be hard to deal with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few comments :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel like he is trying to make conversation just for the sake of talking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People do need to talk.  People who are lonely or insecure often need to talk more than most and are often the least equipped to do it well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;, and very rarely about anything I'm actually interested about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This points to a weakness in &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; mindset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to make friends is to force yourself to take an interest (whether it's real or not) in what &lt;em&gt;the other person&lt;/em&gt; regards as important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the art of listening and feeding back to them that you accept that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am quite certain I bore the pants of some of my oldest and dearest friends with my interests, but I am equally certain that they listen and laugh with me because I do the same for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not fully grasp this mechanism.  Give it some thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All he does is ask me never-ending questions and sometimes it becomes both annoying and exhausting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone who has minimal friend-making skills would probably consider asking you questions as the best way to expand your friendship.  Them asking questions is them trying to demonstrate an interest in you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have tried to hint that I am not interested by responding with one-word messages or short phrases, or, sometimes, by not responding whatsoever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you tried asking questions back ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm into football.  What about yourself - are you interested in sports at all ?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a way you are expecting them to do all the work in a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend very active and interested in a particular sport which I have absolutely no personal interest in whatsoever.  Nonetheless I listen &lt;em&gt;and discuss&lt;/em&gt; this with him when I see him.  From what you've said your reaction would be to try and turn off the conversation because it doesn't interest you - that's not how friends should interact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He's still pushing conversation, even it feels like I'm being interrogated (he isn't great at keeping an engaging conversation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It takes two to tango !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; making engaging conversation from his point of view ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He is also very emotionally sensitive: a while ago, I requested that he give me a bit of space because I was going through a hard time (true, not an excuse). He then went to a mutual friend and started worrying about if I hated him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The picture you paint is of someone reaching out to you and being rejected by you in a relatively cold way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other person may or may not be being oversensitive (I can't properly evaluate that based on what you said alone), but if you said that to them they may simply have picked up (quite correctly it seems to me) that you don't want to be friendly to them and are trying to discourage them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; may be the person with the inappropriate viewpoint here.  The other person seems to understand &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; the message you're sending - you're sending &quot;get lost&quot;, BTW.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I stop him without hurting his feelings&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bit late for that.  You've clearly already done that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should probably give some thought to whether you want to try and heal the rift (which means properly engaging them and &lt;em&gt;helping&lt;/em&gt; them have a conversation) or actually want to drive them away, in which case keep doing what you're doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T01:37:31.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4260" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-20T01:52:14.790" Score="3" ViewCount="8943" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm having a (fairly) civil argument with my team leader at work and we can't agree. The other party makes two or three blaming statements which I feel are untrue, but then immediately says &quot;I don't want to argue anymore&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I told Alice to tell you to do X, so why did you do Y? Anyway, I don't want to argue anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel this is passive-aggressive. Should I say &quot;I don't want to argue either, but I need to address your last statements?&quot; If I just agree to not argue, it feels like I'm tacitly agreeing with their statements and accepting their blame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or should I just say &quot;I disagree with what you said and I don't want to argue either&quot;? Do I have the right of reply and what's the best way of responding without dragging out/restarting the argument?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6085" LastEditorUserId="6085" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T02:45:04.260" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T03:16:23.520" Title="Should I respond when someone says &quot;I don't want to argue&quot;?" Tags="&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2017-09-20T07:41:36.803" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4260" CreationDate="2017-09-20T02:42:03.327" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is the same with acquaintances, friends, close friends, and relatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Stop&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone wish not to argue anymore, please respect it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may give one last statement, but do it &lt;em&gt;without inciting more arguments.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, but I still think Spiderman is the strongest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, but I still think I'm not wrong for doing Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stopping the argument &lt;strong&gt;is not the same&lt;/strong&gt; as agreeing/giving in to your opponent's argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By stopping the argument there, you are saving your relationship with that person and preventing it turns into personal conflict, especially not in workplace and with your team leader. No one wants yelling and swearing in an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this happens in a workplace, email your team leader the details why you think you are not wrong. Email has neutral tone, and you can make sure your points are delivered first before your team leader responds. Hopefully he/she can respond with clear head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bonus:&lt;/strong&gt; using email will establish a history of your exchange of arguments, which later can be a leverage when your action is questioned by your manager.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T03:16:23.520" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4262" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-20T02:51:11.817" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T02:51:11.817" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T02:51:11.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4263" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-20T02:51:11.817" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Korea or Korean culture." OwnerDisplayName="user288" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T04:27:46.460" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T04:27:46.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4264" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-20T02:52:13.400" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Italian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T15:34:58.643" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T15:34:58.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4265" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-20T02:52:13.400" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Italy or Italian culture." OwnerDisplayName="user288" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T04:27:50.683" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T04:27:50.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4266" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-20T02:53:03.387" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T02:53:03.387" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T02:53:03.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4267" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-20T02:53:03.387" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Russia or Russian culture." OwnerDisplayName="user288" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T04:27:53.870" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T04:27:53.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-09-20T03:30:29.890" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First Step:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Call him on his evasiveness. Ask him for specific dates and details of what he wants. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it abundantly clear that you can not agree to new terms of a contract if he can't be upfront and crystal clear about what he wants in that new agreement.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One can not just decide to retroactively and without advance notice not pay for something. And one can not also unitarily and vaguely try to change an agreement by email and then be unreachable in person or by phone afterward. That is just unfair to you and your girlfriend because it leaves both of you in limbo and in financial uncertainty as well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But also end your message on a soft note, tell him that you and your girlfriend are both reasonable and that you're both willing to sit down and talk to him about this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, the other answers are very good also, and for the sake of brevity, I'm not going duplicate what the others have already said. I just wanted to add that little tidbit about clarity and demanding that he comes to the negotiating table, because that is so essential before moving forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T03:37:27.010" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T03:37:27.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4269" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4285" CreationDate="2017-09-20T03:31:03.623" Score="22" ViewCount="8524" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I did use the India tag as a matter of course, but as always welcome answers from members all over the world. Why? Because some of the most helpful answers to my previous India-tagged questions came from non-Indian members here  at IPS.SE&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Note: Two of my cousins and one friend have already benefited from the good advice given by members of IPS.SE but I was not directly involved in those cases whereas I would be if I am to convince my cousin.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Cultural Tradition&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In India, cousins are often called 'cousin brother' or 'cousin sister' to indicate gender and also closeness. Our family is very large which is why I have been asking questions about many different relatives here. Why? Because we have some measure of 'social responsibility' to help our relations in trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my cousin sisters has decided to marry a person whom I personally know to have 'bad habits' and is unreliable. I should not usually intervene in such matters, especially when my cousin has actually selected this person herself, but her parents are anxious because this is a local person of known bad character and unlikely to improve because he is a habitual offender. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But she flatly refuses to believe them that he will not improve and she is now in a 'big fight' with them over this issue, so they have requested me to use my influence (and also family responsibility as a 'cousin brother') to make her understand the danger. Is there any diplomatic and effective way to do so? More details follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Family History&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My cousin sister [code name = Little Bun which is actually her pet name kept by her mother] is 24 years old and well-employed in a major company in a big city in India, far from our home city. When she visited her parents here recently she met a local man, aged 28 [code name = Joe], who has charmed her so thoroughly that she took a very quick decision to marry him just 6 weeks after their first meeting. They have fixed their marriage for October 12th and both sets of parents are invited, yes, but they have been cuttingly advised not to take any steps to stop this very small-scale wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;“Little Bun”  the bride-to-be&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifically, I am worried because Little Bun is making a big salary and Joe needs the money. Moreover, she is the only child of wealthy parents who own valuable properties in this city. It is sad but true that such girls have been targets of unscrupulous marriages in this region. I have seen more than one such local marriage end in cheating and bitter divorce, so I hesitate to tell her parents that I cannot help them in this delicate matter. However, I am absolutely not going to communicate with Joe in any manner over this or any other issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;“Joe”  the groom-to-be&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem: Joe is notorious in this town as an unreliable character with plenty of 'bad habits' (read vices) -- this is no exaggeration because I know for a fact that he drinks alcohol in excess, gambles away his earnings and is being investigated for fraud at his former workplace. He used to be a low-level manager in a local firm but nowadays operates 2 'tourist taxis' which run to faraway towns and give him a good excuse to leave the city when he needs to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no caste- or religion- or socio-economic differences causing her parents to oppose this marriage. It's purely the concern about the known character of this Joe. However, Little Bun, who was always treated as a child by her parents, is in rebellion mode and refuses to hear anything against her fiance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In typical movie style, Joe has convinced her that he is the 'victim of circumstances and social conspiracies' that refuse to give him a chance to lift himself up and away from his 'unfortunate past.' As in, she is not exactly unaware of his reputation but he has given it a romantic twist and also misrepresented the facts to his advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Myself&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am rather influential with Little Bun who is 14 years younger and good at heart. But if I intercede on behalf of her parents I might possibly not convince her, but also risk losing that influence. On the other hand, I am very worried that Joe will lead her into big trouble because although I don't know him very well myself, his past history is well known locally and he has even been entangled with a few girls leading to much complications and heartbreak. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I have tried&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have not discussed the matter with her yet, simply because I can't do it more than once and want to prepare the best approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here I am at IPS.SE:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible for me to diplomatically convince my 'cousin sister' that she is going to marry a person with 'bad habits?'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T10:58:22.173" LastActivityDate="2020-09-30T22:43:45.730" Title="How can I convince my 'cousin sister' that the man she loves is of 'bad character?'" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-20T04:44:00.433" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would (and have) just addressed it in the moment. I do not think it is necessary to apologize separately (although we have had those moments too).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a great age to sit down now and talk about observations.  We can look at things online, on TV, books, talk about those observations.  Then we can talk about how it is not something we need to blurt out every time we have one when out and about.  Believe me, you want to do this.  I was trying on bathing suits when a small child with me felt the need to inform me my butt was &quot;lumpy&quot; very loudly, so that everyone heard.  If they do it to strangers, it's just a matter of time before they find something about you to blurt out at a bad time.  And they can make it sound much worse than it is.  At the time this was said, I was very thin, working out 5 days a week, and no one other than a small kid would have referred to my rump as &quot;lumpy&quot;.  I was still new enough to parenting to be mortified.  Today I'd likely laugh - and then talk about it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the thing I focus on at 4 is reminding them we don't talk to other people about their bodies.  It's a flat no.  The reason is, it's a good policy for life.  There is no reason to comment on other people's clothing, hair, shape, etc.  It's just not something that will enrich anyone's life and it's a lesson that is good to learn sooner than later.  They are free to compliment people, but that is the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; thing they are supposed to say out loud.  If they &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; say something, they are told to tell me it's a secret and whisper it to me, then I can tell them whether that is okay to say aloud or not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give you an idea why this is good (over a  number of children these are real things I had happen when out)...  &quot;Hey lady you got a baby in your belly? It's going to come out your vagina, but don't worry, it's okay, that is why it's there.  It's a baby hole&quot; (said right after the birth of a new sibling).  &quot;Oh you have boobs!  I love boobies.  I bet you have a vagina too!&quot;, &quot;If you are so old why don't you just go lay down.  You look too old to be walking around.&quot;  Sometimes they also but into polite conversations.  While someone was asking me how I am adjusting to 2 kids, my 3 year old piped up and said &quot;She is doing AWESOME but her hemorrhoids are still a BIG PROBLEM&quot;.  (I think this is about the time I actually relocated in witness protection LOL).  There is more and more and more.  BUT, it will ease, and teaching helps.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really is just like please and thank you.  It takes children time to learn rules of etiquette, what you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; say and what is expected in public, etc.  One of the sentences I have uttered more than any other is &quot;mind your own business&quot; as children seem to naturally tend to minding everyone else's business as far as I have observed.  I also think many parents seem to miss &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; teaching this as I still see far too many adults that never learned how to mind their own either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T04:44:00.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4269" CreationDate="2017-09-20T05:09:58.050" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was once very much like Joe, I had a lot of bad habits and my income wasn't exactly above board... Most people who are &quot;bad people&quot; would rather not be, but it's really difficult to get out of that life once you've been in it for a while and you've developed a reputation or worse a criminal record.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just trying to say that his intentions may be genuine. But then again it is still a big maybe. Also good intentions aren't always enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first angle I would try would be a postponement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you're crazy about this guy, but marriage is a big step, why not wait a little while and get to know him a little better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, you could try to convince her to protect her assets. Separate bank accounts and the like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know the biggest fight most couples have after marriage is about money. Have you two discussed how you'll handle your finances? Some couples avoid a whole lot of problems by keeping their money separate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's always better to start talking about those big life issues before you get married regardless, so it would be sound advice even if Joe was a stand-up guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails... Invite him out for a stag party. Let him show his true colors on his own. If the guy really is a degenerate gambler and drunkard, he'll have a hard time keeping it together at a wild bachelor party... Just have your cell phone ready to snap a few pictures if need be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your little cousin really is in love, there's little you'll be able to do about it. Just try to help her see who she's fallen for. &lt;strong&gt;And be there for her if it falls apart.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T07:33:02.817" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T07:33:02.817" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-20T06:25:33.943" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Young children speak their minds, and it is well known that children's honesty crosses social boundaries they are not aware of yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is whether or not you want young children to learn to be able to express what they feel. Beyond that, the issue is what aspect of their expression you want to curtail or train.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think obesity is generally an issue of personal responsibility and allowing very young children to point out obesity is of general benefit. It is precisely the same as young children pointing out that a smoker smells bad. For me personally, the issue would not be the young child pointing out the person is fat or a smoker, but referring to the subject indirectly. Saying &quot;that man&quot; is rude. It is just as rude as saying &quot;Look, that man has a red shirt,&quot; when the person can hear you. What the child needs to learn, is that the person is aware of what they are saying, and that referring to that person in that way is a casual objectification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At a very young age however, this cannot be taught. It is to do with developing brain connections and the ability to empathise, and all adults, fat, smokers or otherwise, should know and tolerate this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6092" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T06:25:33.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4269" CreationDate="2017-09-20T07:18:00.337" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The thing about attraction is this. If a woman does not find a man attractive, there is little to nothing the man can do to convince her otherwise (I'm thinking friend zone here). But if she really finds him attractive, there is nothing that anyone can do to convince her otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately for her, your cousin has fallen for the typical bad-boy stereotype. And is seems this guy is not just &quot;acting&quot; that way to make himself more attractive. He is actually living the lifestyle as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think diplomacy is going to work in this case. Your cousin's life and livelihood is potentially in danger, and you should take a direct and aggressive route to convince her (or him) to leave the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, get a private detective to follow the guy around. Provide her with concrete evidence of his behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, make sure she is well aware that you do not like him or approve of their relationship. Don't be nice about it either. She may hate you for it, but I've seen too many women in abusive relationships to play &quot;nice guy&quot;. Make sure you are there for her, because when things go bad, she will need all the support she can get.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3796" LastEditorUserId="3796" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T07:30:29.957" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T07:30:29.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4275" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4301" CreationDate="2017-09-20T07:50:55.640" Score="141" ViewCount="75856" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I have &quot;fixed&quot; days we see each other, because we normally don't have time on other days. Sometimes, it happens that her training gets cancelled and she has time that evening and most times I do have time, too. I am fine if she then asks if we want to meet and I say &quot;Yes&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The circumstances I am not fine with meeting is if we met like four days in a row and over the weekend (we often spend the whole 48h together) and then her training got cancelled. On these occasions I do want to have some time for myself, e.g. playing PC games (I need this from time to time to relax fully) and therefore I decline her question if I want to meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I decline, it hurts her feelings. I do understand that rejection hurts, so I would like to be able to tell her I don't want to meet without hurting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She does know that I need from time to time a bit of time to relax for myself and she does understand it. I already thought about having her think about it, if I want to meet in that day by herself, but I think if she does this and comes to the conclusion that I don't want to meet, it will hurt her just the same. I am really out of ideas on how to handle these situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are both from the same culture and country (Germany). She is close to 20 and I am 20. I already told her that I sometimes need time for myself (it's not a scheduled meeting or something, it's my spare time)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastEditorUserId="3620" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T16:22:01.547" LastActivityDate="2019-06-26T16:48:27.933" Title="How to tell girlfriend I don't want to meet without hurting her feelings?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="68" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4276" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-20T08:19:16.103" Score="16" ViewCount="6657" Body="&lt;p&gt;Soooo.... This week I'm quite sick, but not the kind of sickness that could prevent me from working, at least if it doesn't worsen at some point. It is not contagious at all, by the way. So I can freely work in my open space as usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet, I need to take some medication to feel better, and I have no choice but to take it at the beginning of my working day. Due to some side effects I just can't take it before going to work, I need to take it at the beginning of my work, and also during my lunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is one of my coworker is particulary inquisitive and keen on good gossips. To say the least he is a gossip, and thus I'd like to avoid having to answer anything about my disease. It is the kind of shameful one, that would make me very uncomfortable if anyone outside of my relatives knew about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to avoid his questions, and if possible I'd like to do it smoothly. With that kind of people, being aggressive or acting like being on the defensive will most likely trigger his curiosity and hunger for tasty information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how can I dismiss his question without being rude or triggering even more questions ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As of now I'm working in France, but I don't know if that is very relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2150" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T17:47:00.800" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T08:06:49.450" Title="Dismissing questions about shameful disease at work" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4277" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4288" CreationDate="2017-09-20T08:27:57.477" Score="41" ViewCount="14355" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been living with my boyfriend for three months. Both of us are working as trainees in different companies, but while he has 2 hours of daily commuting, I can reach my workplace within 15 minutes with my bike. Regarding this disparity, we decided that until we go back to school (i.e. in two weeks), then I would do the cooking. I totally agreed on this because I come home 1 hour earlier than him plus I love cooking, while it's just another chore for him (he wouldn't mind doing it though, it's just that he's not interested in it). For the other chores, we shared them in a more or less fair way (we did almost all chores at weekends, so I'd say I was doing 60% of the chores). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A week ago, his sports training began (2 hours three times per week, so one thing leading to another, he gets home 2h30 later than before). He has no choice in the date and time of his training, but I do for mine (I train at the gym 4 times per week, 1h30 each workout), so I adjusted my trainings to match his, but I still come home an hour earlier than him. Naturally, I persisted in cooking our meals. The problem is that since he gets home later, he does less household chores than before. For example, now I am always the one sweeping the floors, cleaning the windows, ... while we used to share these tasks before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last weekend, he said he noticed than I cleaned the whole flat while he was on a holiday with his family (I also had a party this weekend with my friends who moved to another city. I woke up earlier on Sunday before joining my friends to do the housework so as when he gets back after so many hours on the road, he finds a clean place). He thanked me, and said he was sorry that he didn't do that much for housework the week before. I said it was ok, but we're now in the middle of the week and he's still doing few chores. Yesterday I did the housework and gave him 3 fast and simple things to do for when he comes home, but he takes so much longer than me to do them so I wanted to help and he got mad. In the end I stopped helping him and he did not do one important task I asked him, though I know that if I had done it, he would have remembered and maybe again told me that it was his job. I feel guilty about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About us&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has never refused to do any chores, in fact he's willing us to fairly share the load. He never takes any initiative though. On the other hand, I'm the &quot;if there's a chore to do which is not part of my job but I have the time to do it, I will take care of it&quot; kind of person. Not really because I don't like living in a dirty place, more because I don't want to bother others. Just for the record, this is not a relationship problem, &lt;strong&gt;I used to act the same with my former flatmate.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we moved in together, I suggested that we make a schedule for the chores: who does what and when, but the idea fell by the wayside. To add further details, we earn the same wage (to be precise, he earns 20% more than me but I have equivalent benefits in kind) but we do not have a joint account. We pay 50% of the groceries each.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I want&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For now, I don't mind doing almost all the housework (90%). What I am afraid of is that it becomes a habit that I handle all on my own, and I do not want this, because I'm afraid I'll get exhausted and we'll fall into a huge fight - &lt;em&gt;he never refused to help after all!&lt;/em&gt; I think that sharing the load more fairly is the only way to avoid this problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How can I politely tell him we need to organize for doing the housework?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're a couple from Western Europe, both in our 20s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you all for all these valuable answers, it helps a lot. I had a chat with him yesterday, explaining the situation (&lt;em&gt;he comes home late, I'm currently doing most chores and don't mind but wouldn't like this to become a habit, and so on&lt;/em&gt;). He totally understood. We agreed on creating a schedule and assigning ourselves to each chore, regarding our willingness to do it (for example I don't like wiping crockery and he doesn't like cleaning the composter) and the time we spend at home. We also agreed on a frequency for each chore (e.g. sweeping the floors twice a week) and that if the time planned does not suit our actual timetable, we can postpone it. It's not very precise but knowing my boyfriend, I know we can make this work. So I'll still do more than him in terms of quantity, difficulty and duration but it's fairer and it's something we agreed on so it's totally okay. More, based on threetimes' piece of advice, we'll review the scheduling anytime our timetables significantly change (i.e. in our situation when we go back to school, by the end of the month).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks again y'all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="13" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T18:01:47.063" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T18:28:26.800" Title="How can I talk to my boyfriend about chores &quot;sharing&quot;?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2017-09-20T08:32:53.387" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Parenting is one of those things where everyone has their own way. What's even more interesting is that due to some circumstances, they may not be able to do 100% the parenting they want but have to adjust their ideals to fit a situation or need. In fact, you might even run into a situation where the parents reaction is 100% play acting for the child's benefit. You can never really know. I try to teach my children to &quot;mind the other adults&quot; specially if there school age. But that's not always possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example if a child is having a very hard time in public situations because of some past experience, your comment may set the child back months. As a parent you may be totally ok with them pushing back other adults because, the last trip, they pulled down their pants and pooped right in the middle of the exhibit. Heck, you may even be thrilled that they pushed past, because up till that point, when ever they touched another adult they wet themselves in fear and broke out screaming. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, those are rare cases, but you can't tell just by looking at them. In fact, kids with those kids of problems are usually normal in every other way. So you want to be really careful what you say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is my advise:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the child is not in school (too young), then just let it go. They may not interact with other non-family adults much. And, at any rate, they really didn't hurt anything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the child's safety is involved, then step in 100%. Touch, grab, yell, what ever you need to do. But make sure that you know that safety is actually an issue. For example if you see a kid pickup a knife at a knife exhibit and start waving it around, then feel free to stop them. If it looks like there going to knock over a bunch of paper cups, then sit back and enjoy the show.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk &quot;to&quot; the kids. This can be tricky, there not little adults, and they don't get the same concepts that we do. &quot;Excuse me but I was using this, would you mind waiting your turn?&quot; Well, they may not know the phrase Excuse me, they may not know how to take turns. And asking a 5 year old to wait for anything is nearly torture, according to them anyway. Lead by example, &quot;I was using this, can I keep using it?&quot; may be much better. The answer may be no, so be prepared for that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure the parents can see you. This is very important. Even if I think your doing something wrong, if your doing it right in front of me, the worst I am likely to do is politely ask you to stop (most of the time) - If you take the child out of my line of site, or just happen to be speaking to them from outside my site, then it's a very different game. Your now &quot;the stranger&quot; and should be treated as such. Even if you were being kind.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;NEVER touch a child (except for safety). Even a small touch, like hand on the shoulder, or messing with the hair. Now you just went from &quot;the stranger&quot; to &quot;direct danger&quot;. And polite isn't in it any more. I am still talking about your example though. Playgrounds, parks, and other places where kids and adults interact a lot this is obviously different. But as you go to these places you kinda get a feel for what is ok and what is not. Random lady at an exhibit with no kids of her own around, we will not be having a pleasant interaction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep a calm even tone, the child will understand it better, and the parent will not think your trying to discipline their child.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use you &quot;I feel&quot; or &quot;I want&quot; words. Try to never say &quot;you&quot;. This is just good practice.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again try to keep in mind that not everyone was raised in the same way you were. Even something as basic as waiting your turn may be totally foreign. Parents are allowed to teach their children all kinds of interesting things that you may or may not agree with. Usually though, once a child is school age, they get &quot;the rules here are different then the rules over here&quot;, so a gentle reminder that you don't like what they did is perfectly acceptable, usually. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T08:32:53.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4277" CreationDate="2017-09-20T08:46:35.900" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mentioned a few important things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's your boyfriend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You live together&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He doesn't shy away from doing things but doesn't take the initiative&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your ideal situation would be that both of you share chores 50-50&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you expect is perfectly fine and the best thing is that he's aware of your extra burden, but he's short of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to start would be to determine the chores which interest him. Especially since you are doing most of them on the weekend, he should not have a problem with that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your description, it sounds like he won't take any offense to you telling him that there are many things he needs to do. In fact, he will appreciate that you choose only things that interest him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5483" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T09:16:43.853" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T09:16:43.853" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4277" CreationDate="2017-09-20T09:15:50.567" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should both take a day to devise a clear plan of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What chores need to be done&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When/how often they need to be done&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How much they take to be done&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Who is more appropriate to do them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such as you will be able to make a physical chart where you assign chores for each other. In this schedule, you will attribute him chores that are most convenient for him to do, which albeit there will be few, and you will take the rest. And so this will achieve the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will see on paper how much work you're actually doing, making him realize that it's the chores you've agreed upon for him are the least he could do.&#xA;Having a written plan, specific chores and hours, will make it more probable for him to do chores&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be hard in the beginning for him to get used to periodically doing things, but slowly it will become a habit for him. That will not only help you but help him in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am talking from experience, since my boyfriend and I are both in our 20s and living together. Using this system has helped us a lot in the last few months since when we first moved together he was reluctant to doing anything around the apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T09:32:38.127" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T09:32:38.127" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4216" CreationDate="2017-09-20T09:23:36.377" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I politely say I do not wish to be contacted about the matter?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply respond with something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry. I don't think I need to be involved with any issues with your car anymore. I would prefer not to be contacted further about it. Kind regards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1755" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T09:23:36.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2017-09-20T09:30:04.597" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;After taking such a day in which you take some time for yourself, the next time you see each other do some of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thank her for letting you have that day&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give her a small gift (flowers, chocolate, etc.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her she gets to decide what you'll be doing that day,&#xA;absolutely anything she wishes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Counteracting this seemingly negative situation (you say &quot;no&quot; to an outing) with a positive outcome you'll see that in time she will start to react differently. That is because you've transformed it into something else, something somewhat positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me (22) and my boyfriend (21) have been together for 2 years now and this works for us when one of us is busy and we can't meet, but we compensate on a later occasion. (&quot;One of us is busy&quot; can mean times when we just needed a lazy day, or he wanted to go out with his friends.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously the method that worked for my relationship won't work for everyone, at least in my case it helped us accept when the other isn't in the mood for going out/is too busy. In the end it all comes to mutual respect and understanding; if one takes advantage/holds it against their partner then they clearly need a more in debt discussion about boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-17T21:13:46.780" LastActivityDate="2018-11-17T21:13:46.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4216" CreationDate="2017-09-20T09:40:28.557" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am from Poland and also know Netherlands a lot (business here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the engine got broken after 3 weeks, most likely it was a hidden failure. Now, the guy who bought your car should go to the court and prove that the malfunction was already before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had similar situation many times and in 90% the car went back to the owner and in 50% from that without even going to the court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should change your legal advisor since he's quite wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6102" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T15:49:20.200" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T15:49:20.200" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4269" CreationDate="2017-09-20T09:50:09.183" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;(note: from a different cultural background, and with no direct experience of this situation - just my thoughts on how best to persuade people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ultimately, it's her decision, and telling her what to do will likely backfire. As I see it, helping her make the best decision she can is as much as you can do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you come across as telling your cousin sister what to do, or trying to mislead her as to your intentions, there's a danger that she'll react against that and not listen to what you have to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, might it work to be very upfront with what your conversation will be about? E.g.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your parents have asked me to talk to you. As your cousin brother I'd like to make sure you're aware of Joe's character and have thought through what you're planning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, you're going to talk through with her, making sure she knows about Joe's character flaws, and all of the dangers these present (i.e. danger of him spending her money, coveting her inheritance, etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After letting her know what you know, and checking that she's aware of who Joe is, you could present her with the options, as you see them (e.g. not getting married for now, agreeing to postpone or having separate bank accounts (as apaul34208 suggests) and then think through these options with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you can be part of her decision and have genuine influence, instead of joining the group of people who have already told her it's not a good idea and that she shouldn't do it. Further, by telling her what you know about Joe, it should become pretty clear that you think it's a terrible idea without you having to say it explicitly, this means you might get to avoid being confrontational (which doesn't help here) while still giving her your opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you choose, good luck to you, and her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2470" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T09:50:09.183" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4269" CreationDate="2017-09-20T09:53:59.430" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to say this, but I'm not sure you can say anything that would make her change her mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's an episode of &lt;em&gt;Modern Family&lt;/em&gt; where the oldest daughter is dating a shady man who is 20 years old than her. Her father is out of his mind but his wife tells him that she did exactly the same to her own dad when she was her age, just to annoy the father. It appears that the daughter is angry at her dad because he scolded her after she was sacked from college. Right after he stopped seeming to care about the shady boyfriend, the daughter broke up with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm trying to say is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; that your cousin sister seems to defy &#xA;familial authority. I don't think so, and I couldn't speak in her position anyway. I'm saying that &lt;strong&gt;it is less than likely that your cousin will listen to you or your family if she's in love with this man.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What you can do&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite of this, it's quite possible that she will suffer from this union. Please do not get offended if she marries him, but be here for her if you truly think the man is indeed dangerous. Violence happens so fast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T09:53:59.430" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4277" CreationDate="2017-09-20T10:39:57.027" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are many point to make in situations like this. Given the intensity and duration of the chores are of the same importance (exhaustion derives from both, not just the duration of the housework and also light housework can be done in less time than heavy), there are many things you could do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do most of the housework on weekdays and have him do the equal amount of time on chores on weekends.&lt;/strong&gt; Isn't that fair enough? Doing the chores on his own can make him master them sooner, so he can contribute even more in the long term.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask him to help you with little things, then get him involved in more.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you please help me peal the potatoes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And after this is done&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you mind putting the onions to the pan?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please dispose of the garbage for me. It's already full.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe he'll get used to it and ask you if there is anything else to do by himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Adding a pleasant and motivational note to chores is always a good idea.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;If he likes games and competition, this will more likely work. More motivation means more willingness and initiative to get things done.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's see who's best at making omelettes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Remember to compliment him for his work, but not thank him. This may make him believe that it isn't his obligation to do housework (or for that amount of time or intensity) - which isn't the case and may cause problems with motivation as well.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T10:39:57.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4277" CreationDate="2017-09-20T10:49:35.003" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a little unclear on his &quot;sports training&quot;, as in if it's a hobby or if he is on a college team, or?  I will get to why it matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I wanted to, I could work full time as I used to (60hrs with commute) and work out 5 days a week (so another 10) and join a gardening club and take a dance class, etc.  But in the end, those would be the way &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; set up my life.  So I likewise cannot then say to my partner that they would &quot;logically&quot; fill in the gaps.  However, this is variable.  My spouse and I have both gone to school while together, while working, etc.  In such cases, that has to be respected, because that is an investment that is short term for the long term benefit of the person and possibly (if all goes well) the couple.  So when I was in school full time and working full time, my spouse did nearly all things, but I also was gone almost every day from 8am-10pm and the one evening I was home I usually went straight to bed after work and weekends were homework crunch time. Likewise I have done the same for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What we have done that has worked well for us under a million different situations in 25years now is sit down and write up a contract.  We actually make a contract we live by, we write it together and it covers not just housework, but other things that don't seem to be settled.  We had a contract ages ago that stated you could not bring up anything that happened more than 6 months ago in an argument.  It was needed.  It helped us, a LOT.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have told others we do this and had people try it.  Some think it worked great, others not at all.  In the cases that it did not work, in &lt;em&gt;every&lt;/em&gt; case, they simply did not live by it.  No contract works that you don't respect and treat it like it's serious.  So my best advice &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you consider it, is only do it if both people &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; hold themselves accountable.  You also have to be flexible.  Maybe you want laundry done on Wednesday and Saturday but he thinks it can all wait until the weekend.  You have to remind yourself that if that person lived alone, they likely &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; opt to live on a different routine and yours isn't inherently better than theirs, it's just &lt;em&gt;yours&lt;/em&gt;.  So if you are looking to get them to agree to something &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; then follow through, also look to try to work with what they find agreeable in the first place.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And for what it's worth, unless he is gone 90% of the time, I agree that you doing 90% is a bad idea.  While you may not mind now, you might going forward.  So do not start a pattern of behavior you do not want to &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; do (again, unless it's something pretty severe, like when I explained the school/work schedule - which was temporary anyway).  If someone gets used to you doing pretty much everything, it can very easily become a source of tension, and you want to avoid those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T10:49:35.003" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4277" CreationDate="2017-09-20T11:41:57.083" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Basically: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4277/how-can-i-talk-to-my-boyfriend-about-chores/4288#4288&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;what threetimes said&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I'll try to add to that, expanding on my comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both have good intentions and made a rational decision to split housework equally - but we humans don't always follow through with rational decisions (see also: New Year's resolutions).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't discuss splitting the chores and write up a contract  / fixed plan /etc., you'll both likely fall back into learned emotional habits you picked up at home during your childhood. And I'm guessing that for both of you, your moms did the majority of household work and that's why you're used to &quot;the woman does the housework&quot;. (I'm assuming you're a woman...) To be clear: being used to something doesn't make you (or your boyfriend) a bad person - but it's a habit to conciously break out of if you want to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Societal expectations likely have trained you to take care of others and to feel guilty if you prioritise your own needs / desires. But as an adult you need to look out for yourself, too, and not only for others. You're not a bad person if you do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As threetimes said: Currently, you seem to be accepting the status quo as a given - and I'm not so sure it is. To me it sounds like there's plenty of &lt;strong&gt;choice&lt;/strong&gt;, but you need to choose conciously. For example, it sounds like your boyfriend &lt;em&gt;chose&lt;/em&gt; a hobby (sport) that's time-intensive and has a fixed schedule - while you chose a hobby (sport) that gives you flexiblity. But your boyfriend could chose differently - and then he'd have more time to help with the chores. Similarly, you might &lt;em&gt;choose&lt;/em&gt; to pick up a time-consuming hobby with a fixed schedule - would he then pick up the household chores?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also about &lt;strong&gt;incentives&lt;/strong&gt;: If you just silently accept the responsibility for the household and never mention it because he might get offended, there are next to no incentives for him to do something. From his perspective, everything is fine: he has food on the table, a clean flat, and a caring partner. Yeah, there's this nagging feeling that he should do more, but since you don't say anything he's gonna assume that you don't mind so much...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On other hand, if he comes home hungry and you're not there because you're at your new dance-class that runs three times a week, he may have to buckle up and cook. (Or give you an earful about it, but then you know that he's not interested in an equal partnership like he claimed to.)&#xA;Hunger is a strong incentive ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend to lay out a plan in writing of what needs doing how frequently and who does it. But the person doing it has some autonomy on when and how. If he's too tired after work, he can decide to do his chores only on the weekend. He'll have a different way of loading the dishwasher - don't insist on yours (unless all dishes are broken ;-)).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also recommend that you both get in the habit of thanking each other for chores done. To be clear: that means that he also thanks &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; for doing your share. You might say &quot;but it's normal do do your chores, no thanking required!&quot; (like my partner did when I asked for this). But then: does it hurt? It's a positive interaction, sets a good mood, and it makes the thanking partner mindful of work done and effort required. Why not do that as an investment in your relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T11:41:57.083" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2017-09-20T11:48:18.557" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest to be very careful when approaching this issue with your girlfriend. The truth is that you need your moments on your own and that you'd prefer not to meet &quot;too often&quot; because you want to manage some times for yourself. You're perfectly right. However, telling her something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've already met 4 times this week. I'll see you this weekend, as planned!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;could lead to big fight, as you can imagine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I suggest you is to plan a nice moment with her (at some time you were not supposed to meet but she was available and wanted to), something like a dinner, and approach the issue with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love you, and I love these moments I spend with you, but I also need some time on my own, so when you're free and weren't supposed to be, I'm a bit &quot;annoyed&quot; because I've already planned these activities I love to do &lt;em&gt;alone&lt;/em&gt;. I thought about this agreement we have about taking some time to play while we are together. What do you say we stop taking these moments and instead fully commit to each other while being together, so we can truly enjoy our free time on our own?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Prefer quality to quantity.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This obviously is a suggestion. I can't tell you you need to give up on these moments you've planned to play while together. But for the record, I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we moved in together three months ago. Before that, we didn't meet that often and the guy is a big fan of gaming, but never played while I was with him. It worked because we were meeting several times a week. Now that we live together we &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; commit to our own hobbies (understand him playing and me reading) while home and it's perfectly fine too. But living together is a different adventure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-06-26T16:48:27.933" LastActivityDate="2019-06-26T16:48:27.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4294" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4317" CreationDate="2017-09-20T11:59:04.763" Score="3" ViewCount="472" Body="&lt;p&gt;Over the summer, my daughter attended a day camp at her elementary school.  I'm trying to get reimbursed for it from my dependent care spending account, but need a receipt from the teacher who ran it.  I sent her an email a few weeks ago asking if she could provide a receipt and included an example that another teacher had done a camp at the school.  I've received no response.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to be abrupt and to the point in emails, which has offended people in the past.  What's the best way to word this so it comes across as a polite request and not rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1685" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T16:20:32.580" Title="How to politely word a reminder email to a teacher" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4276" CreationDate="2017-09-20T12:02:17.333" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;On second thought, thanks to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/281/kerkyra&quot;&gt;Kerkyra&lt;/a&gt;'s comments on &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4279/345&quot;&gt;my previous answer&lt;/a&gt;, it would sometimes be preferable to even lie a bit. For example, dismiss your annoying coworker's question with a catch-all response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, it's just a headache. I'll be fine soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something like that. Because headaches are normally not contagious and can happen quite often anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why this might be necessary is that in response to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4279/345&quot;&gt;my previous answer&lt;/a&gt;, sometimes the gossippy coworker might go around telling everyone, &quot;Hey, did you know Kaël has this weird disease he/she doesn't want to talk about? What do you think it might be??&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(Idea stolen from Kerkyra's comments)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T12:02:17.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4120" CreationDate="2017-09-20T12:09:00.950" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;@Stretto commented (now deleted):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends on how much you feel about him and the situation. If you actually care about your blood relation and the fact that he did this out of kindness (he could have just burned the money if he just wanted to spite the government) then I think you should at the very least visit him. After all, family is family and regardless of the [stuff] that goes on in our lives, at the end of the day there is no point in living if we can't learn to enjoy and accept one another (this is the main problem with the world).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, think about it like this: He's your grandfather, he probably won't be living much longer, why don't you get to know him? Maybe that will be a rewarding experience, if not, then it won't... but once he's dead you won't have any chance to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The [absurdly minor] problems that people use as excuses to hold grudges and continue being victims is part of the insanity of the world (look at American blacks with slavery or Germans with WWII, etc). He's a person, you're a person. Maybe he also has interpersonal communication issues and does not know how to deal with people?.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should have done this without the money, but the money does give you more incentive to at least make a connection. At least put the ball in his court. Most likely he has realized his mortality (which you can NEVER know until you get there) and is going through that (which is extremely difficult for many because they have to come to terms with the inevitable). So, think about when you get there, do you want to be alone and have no one care about you? What's the point of life if we just have our instant gratification for (50 years or so) then end up alone and unhappy? Was it worth it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, the sum of money sounds like, at the minimum (I assume it's around 10-20k US), is enough to afford you a &amp;quot;vacation&amp;quot;. Remember, he didn't have to give it to you. Would it be worth it to go buy a new car? Some fancy new toy that you've always wanted that you will get tired of in a few years that only fills in the gap between the next toy? Or maybe getting a life-long experience that will benefit you want your grandchildren.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Money is a meaningless fabrication perpetrated on us by greed. It's taken him, what, at least 60 years, to realize that... how long will it take you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T15:02:27.833" CommentCount="0" CommunityOwnedDate="2017-09-20T12:09:00.950" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4298" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4299" CreationDate="2017-09-20T12:10:41.547" Score="93" ViewCount="56221" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that it's sometimes difficult to both stay within the social protocol and also communicate your intentions clearly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example of this, I once asked a girl I knew out to see a movie. At the time we were both in our early twenties and had known each other for a few months, but only saw each other rarely(1-3 times per month). When we did get the chance to talk though, we could talk for hours. As soon as I realized that I was attracted to her, I asked her out. I did this in person and made it as clear as I could that it was going to be just the two of us and that it's not going to be like our regular interactions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The date itself went great, we both seemed to enjoy it, there was a clear flirtatious atmosphere and just in general it seemed to have that 'first date feeling' one tends to experience in such situations, especially when young. We watched a movie, went for a walk and finally decided to sit down in a random coffee shop. Again, none of this seemed out of the ordinary for a date(and honestly still doesn't).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we were finally done with our coffee and started slowly heading home, I started moving the conversation towards setting up the next date, and to my surprise she literally asked me &quot;Was this a date?&quot; and seemed genuinely surprised that I considered it one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Was there anything that I could have done from the start to avoid this situation? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5832" LastEditorUserId="5832" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T12:53:17.103" LastActivityDate="2019-11-11T10:33:29.583" Title="How to clearly communicate that you're asking someone on a date?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;&lt;denmark&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="30" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4298" CreationDate="2017-09-20T13:00:19.337" Score="109" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;and made it as clear as I could that it was going to be just the two of us and that it's not going to be like our regular interactions.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds to me like you did not explicitly mention the word '&lt;strong&gt;Date&lt;/strong&gt;'. If there is a reason why you absolutely could not do that, please tell me and don't read the rest of the answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a girl, and bad at taking hints. If some guy asked me to go do something we haven't done before and  states that 'It will just be the two of us', I'm not expecting a date. I'm expecting a night out with that friend, trying something new. It might be that he asked other friends that weren't able to come, has only two tickets to the show, or if we haven't been talking much, just wants some time to catch up, with no others present to distract the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to be 'as clear as you could' involves mentioning the word &quot;date&quot;. &lt;strong&gt;Make sure you mention the word date when asking somebody to go on a date with you.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes sure the other person knows what to expect. And it gives them a chance to decline beforehand if they prefer the friendship/have no romantic feelings towards you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T13:02:10.597" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T13:02:10.597" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4300" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2017-09-20T13:06:41.790" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You made me join IPS, damn you and your relatable question. So here it goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I take personal time rather seriously and everyone else should too.&#xA;Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be together a set number of hours each week. There is no quota to fill, like one of the other answers suggests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Indeed, when you are in a relationship, your actions affect your partner, and you really should be considerate to them, but that doesn't change the fact that you are different persons, each with your own friends, family, interests and personal time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to be together 24/7, that's great! If you don't, that's also great! Thankfully, we are all grown-ups, and we should solve our issues as such. I mean by talking, of course. You should explain that both of you should respect your respective boundaries and it doesn't mean anything if you simply don't want to meet on that day. That's how you should proceed, in my opinion: explain that to her and see how that goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, in my opinion, you should be aware of two things. They may or may not apply to your situation, from what I understood of it. You should be the one to decide that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Inconsiderate, selfish behaviour&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring the other person, feeling apathy towards them and generally avoiding meeting them, may mean several things. Whether it means you are a jackass, or simply you aren't happy with your relationship and this is how your frustrations manifest, in either case you should deal with the issue, either by confronting yourself or your partner. (Usually with both causes there is a good chance you are both contributing to this situation.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think this applies to you, but your girlfriend may see things that way. If this happens, try to explain to her why she thinks that and maybe try to clear up a misunderstanding you both have.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Possessive, obsessive behaviour&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people simply expect you to do exactly what they want. To get you to act that way, they will either guilt-trip you to do it or threaten you or use any other means they find, like reward systems. This leads to sick relationships that usually harm both parties. Bear in mind though, the person who acts like that may have good motives. This may be the only way they know to express caring and love. Or due to their circumstances, they may desperately cling to you. They may simply not have anything better to do, but that isn't your problem. No matter the reason they cling to you, it isn't right or healthy, and it will not end well.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To conclude, supposing you made it that far after that wall of text:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk with her, be considerate and understanding, and remember that the lines between caring and possessive, between uncaring and wanting some personal space, are blurry, fragile and subject to personal opinion. That's my two cents at least, might be wrong. Cheers, mate! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6115" LastEditorUserId="6161" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T17:26:53.793" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T17:26:53.793" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2017-09-20T13:51:12.133" Score="200" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having been here before myself, I think you need to realize what this means for your relationship. You don't feel able to relax and have you-time with her around. This is probably because you place a set of responsibilities on yourself when you spend time with her, but also want to be able to shed those responsibilities at times and do what you're interested in without making her happiness your responsibility from moment to moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's fine, but I think that you also need to remember that one day, if the relationship goes really well, &lt;em&gt;you will live in the same house and share a bedroom.&lt;/em&gt; You will not be able to take a day at home away from your relationship with her then, which means that you need to be sure that the nature of your relationship is such that both you and she can share the same space, without feeling under pressure to &quot;act the girl/boyfriend.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think it's important to ask yourself what aspects of your relationship stand in the way of you having you-time when she is physically present. Does she not enjoy (or is actively critical of?) your hobbies? If so, then I think you need to modify the dynamics of your relationship so that she understands that your hobby is important to you, and that if the two of you spend enough time together, you are going to spend some of that time doing a hobby she doesn't enjoy, and she can either join you or do something that interests her on her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is she an extrovert (being energized by attention) while you are an introvert (being exhausted by attention?) If so you need to explain this to her. &lt;a href=&quot;https://img00.deviantart.net/67fa/i/2014/287/1/9/how_to_live_with_introverts_guide_printable_by_romanjones-d5b09fj.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The following comic&lt;/a&gt; can be a helpful aid when having this conversation: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/J3nr4.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/J3nr4.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;A small guide to &amp;quot;Understanding the introverted&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you placing mental demands on yourself, in her presence, that she doesn't hold you to? If so, then you need to acknowledge that and free yourself of your own expectations that are causing you to not enjoy too much time spent together, for the good of the relationship. Remind yourself that if your putting this pressure on yourself requires time apart, and that hurts her, then the standard you're holding yourself to is actually hindering both of your enjoyment of the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the key is honesty. Just tell her how you feel. If this is difficult for you, my experience is that if you just tell her that you're sorting out some feelings about your relationship, she will invite you to share them (and genuinely want to hear them.) Most people will surprise you with how appreciative they are of honesty, even when you're being honest about something they dislike. The hurt feelings are temporary, but the trust your honesty builds is long-lasting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be sure that if you explain not just what you want, but why you want it. You're redefining the relationship not because you're not happy with her, but because you want to create a dynamic between the two of you that can work for both of you long term. Let her know that you've been doing things just for her, and need to be allowed to do more for yourself, otherwise you don't think that the relationship can work, and you want to make it work. The changes actually represent a bigger commitment to her, not less of one, even though it means time spent together where you're less attentive toward her. Be sure she understands that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people (especially men) have trouble talking about their feelings, but it's important to weave your feelings into such a conversation. &quot;I feel tired when we spend too much time together. Then I ask for time apart and feel guilty because I don't want to hurt you.&quot; Most women, in my experience, really appreciate this because it allows them to feel closer to you. Once they understand the emotions that motivate you, they don't feel that you pulling away is a symptom of emotional distance, just you needing something that they can give you to help the relationship. They will appreciate you being honest about how you feel because it allows them to understand you better and trust you more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The long-term success of your relationship depends on how well the two of you, working together, can address exactly these types of issues. If you plan to spend your lives together, you will have to be able to communicate how you feel about your relationship, what each of you want, and come up with an effective compromise together. And the longer you wait to have this conversation, the more difficult it will be, because it will feel like more of a departure from your established way of being together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: I did exactly this during a long-term relationship, and have learned from the mistake. When I was with her, I mentally put myself in &quot;boyfriend mode&quot; and after a few days, found myself wanting her to go away so I could just be myself again. In boyfriend mode I wouldn't participate in hobbies that we didn't share together. And I, an introvert, would make a best effort to keep up with her, an extrovert in social situations, which I found genuinely exhausting. It wasn't fair to myself or to her, and deteriorated our relationship in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6127" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-02T09:53:21.090" LastActivityDate="2019-01-02T09:53:21.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4302" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4495" CreationDate="2017-09-20T13:53:31.717" Score="4" ViewCount="1218" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a programmer who is trying to explain a concept to a non-technical person, in particular the Azure Event Hub and Big Data.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also need to explain why there is an elephant on the picture:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/oOczr.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/oOczr.png&quot; alt=&quot;enter image description here&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When speaking to an audience with diverse and non-technical backgrounds; how can I effectively relate concepts to them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The path taken to get to a simple, clear explanation feels like &quot;intellectual factorization&quot; of sorts.. and that some smart person has probably analyzed this process into a framework for communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for a structure, a process, or technique I can use to simplify concepts ...and then organize the thoughts so they can be understood. Does this exist, or is there any method I can use?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Educators, and technical marketers likely have this information since they need to use this in their day-jobs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, I found that using the abstractions &quot;tool&quot;, &quot;function&quot;, and &quot;process&quot; seems to work well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is it?  (the noun name... isolation layer, ORM, etc)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What does it do? (sort, save, calculate)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How does it relate to the other pieces? (the line, and the endpoints of the line)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what I've picked up along the way, but think there must be several approaches for different types of learners. (e.g. visual learners, people who must write it down, or those with different intellectual propensities)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6096" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T14:29:41.573" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T17:38:45.947" Title="How should I explain technical things to non-technical people?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;written-interaction&gt;&lt;explaining&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-09-27T11:56:15.073" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4302" CreationDate="2017-09-20T14:12:40.917" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like talking to my wife about work because even though she is not a programmer, she is keen on knowing what I did at work today and what it means. She is smart enough to grasp the basics of it all. When I explain technical/programming stuff to my wife, I always compare the technology to a real tangible object. For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was recently working on a project where I had to move a Sharepoint application out of Sharepoint and make it its own website, then upgrade Sharepoint. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the analogy I used when describing that project:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: It is like a pot of soup. The soup is still good, but the pot is really old and rusty. So we need to get a new pot. It isn't possible to do it with the soup still in the pot. I mean, it is, but it is very hard. You need to take the soup out of the pot and pour it in a different pot, then buy a new pot. The soup is the website, the old pot is old Sharepoint, and the new pot is new Sharepoint. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: So why did you have to make it its own website? Why not pour it out of the old pot as it is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Because no two pots are the same. Soup that was in one form in the old pot cannot be in the same form in a temporary pot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likewise, use real life tangible objects to compare with your technical topics. Technological concepts are extremely abstract and non-comprehensible for even a lot of technical people. Technical people can somehow make a connection in their heads with other technical stuff they know to be able to comprehend something new. Non-technical people need that connection to be something that is not abstract/non-technical. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just one idea. I am sure others would have much better insights on this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I have no idea what that image is trying to describe. So I couldn't directly give you an example related to that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T14:12:40.917" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4302" CreationDate="2017-09-20T14:14:42.127" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Explaining technical things to non-technical people is a great skill, one I do not claim to master. I can give some tips though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to avoid as much detail as possible. Every detail you mention gives the listener a chance to lose your story and give up.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Focus on a story. In the graphic you show, there should be a logical flow through the flowchart. What are you doing at each step? What is your goal? What is the elephant trying to accomplish.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Focus on the why, and not the how. How's are generally details that get technical fast, so they are not interesting to laymen. Rather focus on what you are trying to do and why this is important.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Work with an example that updates as you go through the flow. Doing this, allows people to relate to what exactly is happening. Preferably you use an analogy that makes it more relatable. Like comparing network traffic to a parcel being sent.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T14:14:42.127" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4306" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4312" CreationDate="2017-09-20T14:16:54.260" Score="12" ViewCount="1831" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have scheduled a phone call with someone I have not spoken to in over two years. The only reason I am talking to them now is because it is very important to my family that I have a cordial, preferably friendly, relationship with this person (although this person is not related to me). I currently have very &lt;em&gt;strong&lt;/em&gt; and very &lt;em&gt;negative&lt;/em&gt; feelings about this person. My goal in talking with them is to understand what their attitude towards me is now, which will determine whether or not I try to rebuild the relationship. This is a personal relationship (as opposed to professional) and we are peers in terms of age, social status, cultural background, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am concerned because of what happened during a recent phone call with a different person, who I had similar emotions about. It was difficult for me to respond rationally and calmly in real time. (I already have trouble with serious discussions even when it's not a personal, emotional topic, because it takes me a while to process and decide what my position is and come up with the right wording for it.) &lt;strong&gt;I ended up losing my composure shortly into the conversation.&lt;/strong&gt; I had been doing okay keeping emotion out of my voice despite growing more and more distressed, until they pushed the right button and it all came out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like being that sort of person. I also don't want them to think they have the upper hand, or for them to walk away saying they are the better person because I had an emotional response and they were ~just trying to talk~. (I mention this because my family has done this in the past to invalidate or ignore what I had to say.) &lt;strong&gt;I had enough self-control that I didn't say anything I regret, but I wish I had not been so emotional while saying it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth noting that anger is only one of these emotions - there is also fear, distrust, sadness, disgust. So while anger management techniques may be useful, I'd appreciate answers which take other negative emotions into consideration as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Things I tried:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Rehearsing what I want to say&lt;/strong&gt; - helped me remember to address my points, but I was still too emotional - even when rehearsing I'd get very upset imagining the conversation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Playing through possible responses in my head&lt;/strong&gt; - see above, didn't work; I was unable to predict new information they revealed and how they acted overall (I expect this to be even more of an issue with the upcoming call due to the time between when I last interacted with them)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ending the conversation&lt;/strong&gt; - I hung up when I initially lost it, saying I clearly was unable to have a conversation about it, but they immediately called me back and insisted we couldn't keep not talking about the issue. I see their point; it's kind of a catch-22: I don't want to talk because I'm still too angry about it, but I'm still angry about it because we haven't talked and resolved it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I am open to suggestions on better rehearsing and acting out scenarios, though. Maybe there are more structured approaches to try or resources I haven't utilized, rather than e.g. yelling at an imaginary person during my commute..)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest problem with the upcoming call is that I don't know how they will act. Maybe they'll apologize and try to fix things -- or maybe they'll laugh in my face and tell me I'm a terrible person. I won't know until I talk to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to prepare some strategies before having this conversation, in case it does go poorly. &lt;strong&gt;What can I do to de-escalate high emotions during the conversation? What techniques can I use to keep it from escalating in the first place?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T17:11:46.493" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T18:56:53.133" Title="How to keep a difficult phone conversation from escalating?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4302" CreationDate="2017-09-20T14:36:03.593" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;To my knowledge your best bet is to build upon a metaphor or abstraction which the audience can relate to. If your audience is homogeneous it's easier to build upon a concept they are very likely to understand, which becomes more important and useful the more technical the concept becomes. The term &lt;a href=&quot;http://wiki.c2.com/?WardExplainsDebtMetaphor&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;technical debt&lt;/a&gt; is a great application of this technique:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I coined the debt metaphor to explain the refactoring that we were doing on the WyCash product. This was an early product done in Digitalk Smalltalk, and it was important to me that we accumulate the learnings we did about the application over time by modifying the program to look as if we had known what we were doing all along and to look as if it had been easy to do in Smalltalk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The explanation I gave to my boss, and this was financial software, was a financial analogy I called &amp;quot;the debt metaphor&amp;quot;. And that said that if we failed to make our program align with what we then understood to be the proper way to think about our financial objects, then we were gonna continually stumble over that disagreement and that would slow us down which was like paying interest on a loan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally not everyone is in this line of business and someone neither in a software nor financial business might not understand anything from that. This means that the more common and natural a metaphor you can make the better it will translate in the audience's minds. A great case in point would be to compare traffic over the Internet as physical mail (I doubt it's a coincidence we refer to IP packets the way we do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't find a good metaphor for, say, ORM which your audience can relate to it's very likely that you're attempting to describe something way beyond their understanding. Unless it's integral that you explain this then you should simply ignore it or refer to it as &amp;quot;magic that just happens&amp;quot;. The latter is not very stylish but you can include some additional reading on the subject later on, simply indicate that it's a complicated subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The book &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/com/0226468011&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Metaphors We Live By&lt;/a&gt; written by George Lakoff might be useful for you to read. It's on my reading list but I haven't reached it yet so I can give no indication on whether or not it would help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the record, Wikipedia has a very interesting &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_common_misconceptions&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;list of commonly held misconceptions&lt;/a&gt; which states the following about learning styles:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All humans learn in fundamentally similar ways.[348] In particular, there is no evidence that people have different learning styles,[348] nor that catering teaching styles to purported learning styles improves information retention.[349]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4022" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T08:15:13.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4298" CreationDate="2017-09-20T15:02:51.490" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why do you need to avoid it?  If she is not ready to &lt;em&gt;date&lt;/em&gt; do you want to not see her?  It was not a wasted evening just because she did not know it was not a date.   It was cleared up by the end of the date. I have left it vague before hoping the girl would develop feelings.  By the time you have 3 one on ones when in the past it was group stuff she should figure it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking a girl out when you had not been doing stuff as friends is more clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T15:10:21.433" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T15:10:21.433" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4298" CreationDate="2017-09-20T15:03:40.623" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;Adding onto what Tinkeringbell said, some people will assume that if someone of the opposite gender asks them to dinner, or a movie, or coffee, or some other date-like activity, alone, that that implies the activity will be a date. However, most will not! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, whenever I ask someone out of the same gender, I try to explicitly state that it will be a date, usually by using the word 'date'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's two ways to do this, either start by asking them out and then include a specific suggestion: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, do you want to go on a date sometime? I was thinking we could go&#xA;  to [insert fun thing here]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if you're already friends with them and you'd want to go do the thing anyway, regardless of whether or not it's a date, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I was thinking of going to [insert fun thing here], do you want to&#xA;  come? It could be a date! Or not, if you'd rather just go as friends.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often forget to do this when asking out someone of the opposite gender, since I assume they will assume it's a date (and you know what they say about when you assume, it makes an a** out of u and me). This can often lead to confusion since you just ask &quot;Hey, want to go do [insert fun thing] with me?&quot; leading to the other person asking &quot;What, as a date, or...?&quot; This is awkward, especially if their answer is no! So, always clarify, and good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6134" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T20:03:40.603" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T20:03:40.603" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2017-09-20T15:04:58.930" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Am I the only person who thinks this is really weird? Somebody touches you without your will, and you should be the one apologizing? (Everybody is starting a possible quote with &quot;Excuse me&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No: you can simply say &quot;Hey, you wait your turn&quot;, you say it without hesitation but obviously no need to sound like a bully. While you do this, you might tick the child gently on his/her shoulder, just for getting his/her attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And what about the parents?&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;Imagine they say &quot;Hey! Don't touch my child!&quot;, then you can easily respond &quot;You tell your child not to touch me!&quot;, that should be enough.&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;Imagine they say &quot;Hey! He's just a child!&quot;, then you say something like &quot;Yes? So?&quot;, and like this make them understand that a child has no more rights than another person, everybody has to wait its turn.&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;As said before: children are children, which means that they expect adults to correct them when they misbehave, and when no person corrects them, they won't stop misbehaving more and more, that's just a child's nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, just a personal history: as a child I was living next to a butcher, and when I needed to buy something for my parents, I was always crawling my way to the beginning of the queue. This all went very well until one day somebody noticed that, and with very red cheeks I went back to the end of the queue, never to do this again. In the meanwhile I've grown up to a civilized adult :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another point: the culture: I believe you are living somewhere in a Caucasian country, where indeed it's up to the parents to correct the children (in third world countries, especially in Africa, this is different, everybody has the right to correct children when they misbehave). In case you are not living in a Caucasian country, please disregard my entire answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally: you mention &quot;strangers&quot; as a tag in your question. Are you especially referring to children of different origin or are you the stranger in the country?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3969" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T15:04:58.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2017-09-20T15:15:22.330" Score="6" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Just explain you need &lt;em&gt;&quot;me time&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work a concentration intensive job and I'm introvert-ish regarding how I relax. I need to zone out every once in a while, gaming is a perfect outlet. I like it if my girlfriend is in the same room, I just mind getting distracted/disturbed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can make it her choice:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey X.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I use our off days to relax a bit, a little me-time, gaming helps me do that, so that when you're around I can do fun activities. I like the not having to talk to anyone or interact with anyone part of it, which isn't anything personal, I just need that sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do like it when you're around, so if you want to read a book or something, that would be fine, but I'm not going to be very talkative. It's up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she comes over, stick to that. If she keeps disdurbing you, just explain it again. If everything if fine, don't forget to &quot;reward&quot; that. You could after, say an hour, drink a cup of tea together. Or maybe watch a episode of something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="5504" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T15:20:44.153" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T15:20:44.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4306" CreationDate="2017-09-20T15:21:39.467" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;First and foremost: Is it possible to have this conversation in person rather than over the phone? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've found it difficult to snap on people when I am talking in person. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've also found that it worked better to talk in person because there is no &quot;hanging up&quot;. Either of you could just walk away, but the two parties involved are still around. If either of you realize right away what you did was unnecessary or harsh, you can take it back and get back on track easier. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reading facial cues might help you keep your calm. It may help you see their point or at least hear it out. It will definitely help you be more empathetic to their feelings. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if that is not possible, here are a few options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Think of a few side topics to discuss. If you feel like you're about to snap, go to your side topic. Deviate out of the situation as quickly as possible. You are not trying to be subtle about it. You don't need to sneak in a different conversation. You could just change the topic to something casual for a few seconds. You can even tell them something like &quot;I am sorry, I need to not talk about this for a minute if you want me to not snap on you. How are things with you?&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go to a public place when you have this phone conversation. Like a coffee shop or a park. But somewhere outside preferably. Surround yourself with something pleasing. Pick a nice Saturday afternoon, a sunny day, and a park with birds chirping around (that is just my idea of pleasing, yours may differ). Don't go somewhere where you CANNOT be loud if you need to. Pick a place that hinders your temper getting the best of you, not prohibit it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rehearsing what you want to say is good, but don't think through all the situations you'd be in. When you lose your temper, one of those many imaginary situations you had thought of is going to pop out of nowhere and you'd throw that in their face. Or even if you don't do that, if they say something and you're about to lose your temper, you'd assume what they meant by it because you thought about how they'd say something like that. They might have been saying something completely different.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If what they say genuinely upset you and not just anger you, try telling them how it upsets you. If you're not much of a crier, that is fine. But definitely voice your opinions. You don't need to tell them why you're upset because I am pretty sure they already know it. Just tell them how upset you are. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you get upset just rehearsing the conversation, then don't rehearse it. For 3-4 days before the conversation, do something fun and happy. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Try to get yourself in a happy mood when talking to them. Helps you forgive easier that way. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One other important thing to remember: if you're not ready to forgive them yet, that is fine. But if you tell them something that makes them feel like you might forgive them if they just talk to you about it, they'd be more comfortable hearing you yell at them. That is where telling them how upset you are helps. You're hurt and want to vent it out. They need to know that and not think you hate them and it is irreparable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are always the cliche ways to do this, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Count from 50 to 1. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take 3 deep breaths.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Smile or walk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't know about those, they've never worked for me. It usually gives me a few seconds to think of the best yelling words I can use and I yell after a 30 second pause! Something that I've done before though, seemed very effective:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Put your phone on mute and yell!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it sounds silly, but put it on speakerphone or headphones so you can look at your phone and be easily able to hit mute. When they say something that ticks you off, put it on mute and yell your heart out! If they are still talking, they'd know nothing. If they've been waiting for your response, just tell them &quot;hey sorry [some random reason for your silence]&quot;. But this gets it out of your system and they didn't hear it! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T15:38:17.240" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T15:38:17.240" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4216" CreationDate="2017-09-20T15:26:24.683" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, a used car is a used car. A practice from many countries (European perspective) is, that used think is a used thing and no guarantee is given, unless stated otherwise. Unless the defects are consciously hidden by seller, the seller is not responsible for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many dealers of 2nd hand cars give their guarantee for limited time, but it's fully optional and it is a marketing strategy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People don't invest in cars they want to sell. It's quite normal the first thing you need to do with a new car is to do a full service (oil, filters, tire checkout). Everyone should be aware of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So unless you haven't hidden any serious engine problems from buyer, you should be fine, but always check local laws that could state otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't assume that something is broken and they blame you for it. Maybe they want simply ask about some minor problems and how to deal with them? Or about your experience? You are not obliged to share that experience, but it should't take more than a few minutes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If something has broken, say you're sorry for it, but everything was working fine when you have sold the car and there were no known to you indicators for any problems. But you're not a mechanical. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'According to my (limited) knowledge' etc. should be a reasonable answer. You were a driver, and that's all. And now it's a past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, they should call you, not you them. I see no reason you should invest your money to help them solve their problem with their car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1707" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T15:26:24.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4276" CreationDate="2017-09-20T15:28:06.013" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;French here,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know exactly what kind of person you are referring to. They live through other people's life because their find their own life boring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it doesn't matter at all if it's contagious or not, and I also think the fact that France here is a very important factor that matters a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, being passive-aggressive here is probably the best thing to do. Just try to be sarcastic, cynical and intelligent in your answer. I know it's rude, but you got to make him feel bad about asking. This is the only way they will consider you, you need to show them their opinions do not matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6136" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T15:59:38.470" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T15:59:38.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4315" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-20T15:33:21.933" Score="-4" ViewCount="428" Body="&lt;p&gt;So at work I am one of the more experienced fellows, and I am constantly explaining to newer employees why we do some things a certain way - usually it's because we have looked into what they suggested and found that it wasn't feasible - my problem is how do I explain that in a way that's not condescending, but I don't want to encourage them in particular either, only for them to waste their time &amp;amp; end up with the same conclusion - it's not worth it / it won't work / etc. - but without being cynical about it or making myself seem like more of a pessimist than I already am. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time it's not a very clear-cut black-and-white as to why it won't be worth it, I can give a couple reasons, but for a full analysis that would take a lot of time and effort to dig up ALL the reasons (yes, some better documentation could help, but no-one really likes documenting dead-ends, but rather abandons them as soon as they realize it's a dead-end). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4280" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T16:56:17.917" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T18:10:57.230" Title="How can I not be the &quot;grumpy grampa&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-09-20T21:26:50.597" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4277" CreationDate="2017-09-20T15:34:03.757" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speaking from experience as the 'lazy one' in a household relationship (I'm not actually bona fide lazy - but my partner is infinitely more productive than me when it comes to housework) if you are the type of person who, as you say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm the &quot;if there's a chore to do which is not part of my job but I have the time to do it, I will take care of it&quot; kind of person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you are letting yourself in for disappointment if your partner is not also this way. You can try asking your partner to be more like this, but it is certainly more of a trait than a skill which can be learned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Half the arguments between me and my partner around housework are because she cleaned up something I hadn't noticed. The problem wasn't that I hadn't done it, but that I hadn't &lt;strong&gt;noticed&lt;/strong&gt; it. It's a difficult balance to keep. You could experiment by waiting a bit longer before doing something, to give him a chance to do it instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5779" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T15:34:03.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4294" CreationDate="2017-09-20T15:46:28.903" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's very possible that they did not see your earlier email, or they saw it and meant to do it but forgot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would simply send a followup email, worded along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear sir/ma'am:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am writing as a followup to an earlier email regarding a receipt for the day camp that my daughter [name] attended on [insert date]. This receipt is a requirement for me to be reimbursed from my dependent care spending account for the camp cost. If you have any questions regarding this, please either respond to the email or you can call me at xxx-yyy-zzzz.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate your response to this, and again if you have any questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for your time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a basic polite request, points out that it is a second followup, and outlines the necessity of having the receipt (as in, I don't get $$ if you don't produce).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a secondary item, you could also consider cc'ing the administrative email for the school. I would be fairly certain that they would have to have approved the day camp, and if the teacher cannot get a receipt, they may be able to. The only downside is that if the teacher was not approved for the camp or similar, they may get in trouble for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T15:46:28.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4131" CreationDate="2017-09-20T16:01:04.860" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're basically asking how to sell your agenda to someone who doesn't want/need it. The answer is, &lt;strong&gt;you can't&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you have your personal &lt;strong&gt;opinion&lt;/strong&gt;, based on &lt;strong&gt;something someone has written in Internet&lt;/strong&gt;. But they have also their opinions, and also a lot of something that someone has written. But your single opinion was against everyone else, so I find it a good decision to ignore you instead of engaging in void argues with single biased individual (or, better said, single opposite-biased individual). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And what was your point of attending a conservative political club in the first line? If it was the 'conversion of false-believers' that it's a wrong side to help you in that goal...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1707" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T16:01:04.860" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4298" CreationDate="2017-09-20T16:37:29.463" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to offer an alternative non-explicit version to &lt;em&gt;augment&lt;/em&gt; the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4299&quot;&gt;other answers&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming you're a straight cis-gendered male. At risk of being down-voted, &lt;strong&gt;most straight women (even in this enlightened age) like to be led by their romantic partner&lt;/strong&gt;. Google this, and you'll find lots of dating advice on the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The guy has to provide strength. He has to provide some kind of “authority”. His job is being willing to lead her where she wants to go sexually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erwan-davon/female-sexual-psychology-part-3-seduction_b_5531163.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Huffington Post - Female Sexual Psychology Part 3&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Try to show her it's a date, whether or not you explicitly tell her.&lt;/strong&gt; You can show her simply by flirting and leading the conversation in a flirty way. You can also drop hints that you think of her in a flirty way, she'll probably pick up on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling her it's a date is always the easiest way to do this, but it might be a bit blunt. If the girl is on the fence about you, doing this might turn her off. If you aren't explicit, this will give her a chance to see how things go without having to decide right there on the spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Touch (as long as it's appropriate) goes a long way for flirting. Particularly the forearms and lower back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Several research studies have found that touching creates liking and attraction. In other words, when you touch other people, they become more attracted to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201202/how-flirt-and-seduce-touch-part-1&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Psychology Today - How to Flirt and Seduce With Touch Part 1&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you do these things, along with the good conversation you mentioned, she might not even have to ask if it's a date. Flirting is the big difference between a date and a non-date.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Source for some of this: my life. I've moved from friends to dating on a few occasions.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6140" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T08:55:41.887" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T08:55:41.887" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4315" CreationDate="2017-09-20T17:10:54.350" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't discourage unless the approach is/was completely unworkable. It is very rare that the team would have tried every approach/angle when working through something. More often than not, it is not that the solution isn't feasible, it's that it was constrained by time/money/people. That may have changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially if you are in a technology field, there may have also been advances made in technology, methodology, capability that may not have been there the last time something was visited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I would approach it along the lines of &quot;Yeah, _____ has always been a problem. We tried doing X and Y a few years ago, but couldn't really get it to work. I think ____ has some documentation on what we did do/try, maybe you could take a look and find a different angle&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That shows that what they are considering has been tried, gives them a source to see what was done, and lets them research it a bit. They may see that what they are thinking has been tried and that's the end of it. But, it may be that they really do have a better way or different approach that would work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case, you can let them know that it's been at least looked at, but in an encouraging fashion rather than a shut down fashion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T17:10:54.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4327" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2017-09-20T17:23:47.143" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Roundabout answer to your actual question:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;It sounds as if you guys are similar to my husband and myself. He is an &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;introvert&lt;/a&gt; who will play video games to rest and recharge. I'm more of an extrovert. It’s a pain in the butt when I want to go and do something fun with him and he just wants to sit inside all day, but as a couple we are learning how to allow each other to have the time they need - quiet time alone for him, more adventure/doing stuff time for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A book that REALLY helped me understand WHY he needs this recharge time is one that I'd suggest the two of you guys read through together. It is called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quiet:_The_Power_of_Introverts_in_a_World_That_Can%27t_Stop_Talking&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that never stops talking&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; by &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Susan_Cain&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Susan Cain&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As more of the extrovert in the relationship, it really helped me to understand that him needing to be alone or spend a few hours hyper-engrossed in video games is not him shunning me, but him recharging so he can activate &quot;husband mode&quot; once again.&#xA;I'm trying to convince HIM to read it too, so that he stops beating himself up for being a &quot;party pooper&quot; or some other nonsense when he doesn't feel like being &quot;on&quot; and going out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Alternative solutions and options:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I'd also second trying to get her into some of the multiplayer games that you play. That way if you didnt want to be physically near her, you guys could still satisfy her need to be together via online play and VoIP chat. I think you mentioned that she doesn't have some of the games that you really enjoy - what about buying a copy for her? Or there are some cool Steam games such as Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime that require cooperation to be successful in. Using LogMeIn Hamachi you guys can simulate a LAN connection over the internet for games that require a LAN network :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, come to think of it: Minecraft is also a SUPER fun option for multiplayer coop. You can use Hamachi and the &quot;open to LAN&quot; option to avoid paying for a server. There are some modpacks out that make it a LOT more interesting too (look into FTB modpacks).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or what about board games? Would it be easier for you to spend longer times with her if you guys could play board games for a while? (my hubby finds it less taxing to be social while playing a board game) Some awesome 2-player ones (with varying levels of complexity) are: Hive, Star Realms, Patchwork and Netrunner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastEditorUserId="3094" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T17:34:30.173" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T17:34:30.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4328" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4331" CreationDate="2017-09-20T17:24:15.927" Score="4" ViewCount="886" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wasn't sure how to word my question so let me explain what I mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I currently work in a corporate setting where greeting and acknowledging people is important. It's awkward if you don't acknowledge people or don't seem natural doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a specific issue I'm having which I would like advice about. I do OK in one-on-one situations in terms of making eye contact and conversing. What I am apparently terrible at (judging by the reactions I get) is acknowledging people as I walk by them. When I try to acknowledge them with a little smile and a head nod, they often seem offended for some reason as though I'm staring them down (but it seems like I'm not...). On the other hand, if I don't acknowledge them at all, I think it comes across as either rude or excessively shy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possible factor is that sometimes I see the same people over and over again, so it can be a little strange to have to greet them twenty times. But how much is too much and how little is too little? If I don't greet them after the first or second time, is that rude? Should I just pretend not to notice them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I attempt to self-criticize, it's possible the problem is this: I am the sort of person who notices absolutely everything and it is virtually certain that I will notice the other person before they notice me. The result of this is that I'm almost always looking at them (or nervously trying not to look at them again) when they notice me. But if this is the problem, I don't really know how to deal with it. Any ideas?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is all very awkward and confusing for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6143" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T14:55:57.560" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T14:55:57.560" Title="How not to be rude when noticing people?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4302" CreationDate="2017-09-20T17:43:24.787" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Imagine you are teaching someone to drive.  Start at the concept of a wheel, axles, gear ratios, then maybe combustion, the combustion engine and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, you put gas in the car, turn the key, push gas, etc.  You give a product demo like a car salesman would, not a car designer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did not mention the bottom line enough for me to know what to say, and I realize it is private, but this guideline will help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2906" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T17:43:24.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4328" CreationDate="2017-09-20T17:51:04.130" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Could be you or them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are in a professional environment, which means that you need to communicate with you peers a bit differently then your regular communications. Of course, I don't know much about work, so I'll answer the best I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever you walk by someone and acknowledge them, try to let out a bit of a smile and say 'Hi.' If you have enough time, try to initiate small talk. 'How are you doing?' is a great question for this. On the topic of you seeing the same people repeatedly, don't acknowledge them &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; the time, depsite your corporate etiquette. Sometimes, they need a break, they are stressed, they are busy, &lt;em&gt;etcetera etcetera&lt;/em&gt;. If you see them all the time, try to acknowledge them at least 4-5 times, maybe 5-6 depending on your preference and the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To interpret body language is essential, because it sends a message. If you can understand it, you might know what your peers are feeling. I suggest/recommend you read up on body language since it may help you with what I said in the previosu paragraph.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, due to an earlier comment, you could also be misinterpreting their reactions a/o not initiating eye contact with them. And you do notice everything around you. In this scenario, the best thing you can do is to try to not let it get to you. It seems like you are making this a bit more important than it seems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your other questions, it's fine if you greet them one or two times. It's too much when you always try to acknowledge. It's too little when you give up. If you pretend to not notice them, then your body language may be interpreted by others and this may be a little less helpful to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6145" LastEditorUserId="402" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T20:51:39.213" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T20:51:39.213" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4328" CreationDate="2017-09-20T18:04:15.680" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you seem to have noticed, greetings between people are rather important. &lt;a href=&quot;http://dingo.sbs.arizona.edu/%7Echarleslin/indv101/review_reading/greetings.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;In many cases, they determine how people think we view them.&lt;/a&gt; For example, if someone smiles and perks up when they see you, it's only natural to assume they are happy to see you, right? A simple tip for how to act when greeting others, then, is to imagine how they would want you to react when seeing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The complicated part of this, then, is knowing how to react based on what specific relationship you have with an individual. If you are friendly with this person, looking happy and even throwing in a small wave hello near chest-level wouldn't be too excessive. In some circles it may be a little weird, but in my opinion it's better to be thought a little weird and friendly than it is to be thought normal and unfriendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the relationship is strictly professional, or you are acquaintances, try a very slight brightening of your expression and a quiet verbal greeting, appropriate to the time of day..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Morning, [name].&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Good afternoon!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Happy Monday...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;..and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, try avoiding the act of looking directly at peoples eyes. This can make you, them, or even both of you uncomfortable, which impacts your body language and further worsens the interaction. Instead, try looking above their hairline, while moving the focus of your eyesight once every 3 seconds or so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3426" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T18:04:15.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4334" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4340" CreationDate="2017-09-20T18:24:20.253" Score="19" ViewCount="5417" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off: I tagged this as Asperger since having Asperger's makes me have trouble understanding others' motivations, thoughts, and interests, as long as they differ from mine. That means, to understand the actions of someone I need to understand that person's motivations and the best way to achieve this is asking what thoughts have led someone to a specific result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's nearly impossible to achieve &quot;empathy&quot; by any other means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what I made clear on the very first day at work with my coworker, we had an open talk where he told me that I came across like trying to criticize him on my first day by doing that and that he feels easily offended by critique. I offered him to keep my thoughts of improvement to myself and he said that he wants to hear it (I keep them anyway, as he even reacts passively aggressive to me sometimes on the mandatory questions to understand his work).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But today I came across something that bothered me so much, I had trouble keeping it to myself (&lt;a href=&quot;https://stackoverflow.com/q/46319579/2003898&quot;&gt;https://stackoverflow.com/q/46319579/2003898&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't confront him with it directly, but at the end of the day, I told him, that I found a different solution from his and would like to hear his thoughts about it when it's done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that moment he just immediately came over to my desk and repeatedly asked me like &quot;So show me, c'mon show me what you have done&quot; in a very pushy way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I started feeling VERY insecure and I wasn't able to explain anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After I regained myself I tried to at least explain my idea to him, when he interrupted me with a phrase that was along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You should focus more on doing your job instead of trying to show others how bad their work is. You know, I think you actually just criticize everyone to conceal your own lack of skills, I mean it's surely a lot of pressure to be underperforming as you do, isn't it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, he headed to our office's door frame and I just yelled &quot;You really offend me like this and then just call it a day?&quot;, to which he simply responded with &quot;Yes, I do.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This just caught me off guard and I feel so hurt, and as mentioned, right now I'm scared to go to work tomorrow, and even more scared to talk with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, I can't leave this like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to have a conversation with him tomorrow.&#xA;I want to ask him if he thinks there is any way to get over the feeling of being criticized by me all the time, as today was the first time after 5 months I mentioned (in)direct critic to his work, at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I in fact like him personally, and I like the job, but this working environment is a no-no if we can't find a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as for now, the question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach him without coming over as being critical again in regards to today's situation, and especially, how can I prevent him from ever doing to me again what he did today, as I just feel really, really awkward...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T12:26:35.973" LastActivityDate="2018-12-30T21:01:19.173" Title="How to have a talk with a coworker I'm scared of?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;fear&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4336" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4277" CreationDate="2017-09-20T18:53:54.887" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in agreement with the answers about the need to formally work something out that is agreed to by both of you, but there is an aspect of this I feel is missing. Maybe it's a non-starter for you, or both of you, but consider it as a different perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are both very busy, active people. Your boyfriend, with his commute and now his added sports season in full swing, is physically active that much more, and seems like he's a bit exhausted and wants a break instead of diving into chores.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are also tired, though you have a bit more of a friendly commute, and that tiredness is made worse by you picking up a larger and larger portion of the chores.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of the answers are based upon finding a way to get him to do more, which is fundamentally fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to ask - how clean do you keep your place?  Is it immaculate?  How often do you vacuum, do laundry, do the dishes, clean the toilets, sinks, etc?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would it look &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if you did less&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;?  Could you dust less often?  Maybe let the dishes sit once in a while until the next meal?  You'd still need to have a discussion about how a reduced workload is shared, but if the volume is less daunting, it might be a lot easier for him to pick up his share without prompting, going forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a level of reduced tidiness that would be acceptable for the trade-off of having less chores to do, more &quot;nothing&quot; time to recharge your brains or spend just being with each other?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, maybe take a look at activities and make a conscious decision to pare some of that back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm horrible at over-scheduling activities.  My house is usually in a state of piles.  My ADD doesn't help. Since I'm on my own, I've accepted a certain level of clutter that I'm sure most people wouldn't accept, but maybe there is a level of minor-clutter that might work for you guys.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get more job responsibilities or get married and have kids, the &quot;too much to do in too little time&quot; is only going to get worse.  Getting a handle on that now is important beyond just getting the place clean.  This sometimes becomes a huge wedge issue with couples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T18:53:54.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4334" CreationDate="2017-09-20T19:13:28.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have autism, which is very similar to Asperger's so I can easily sympathize with you. (BTW, Asperger's is now called autism spectrum disorder - ASD, just wanted to let you know) He does seem to be a passive-aggressive person. From what I see, he really is an emotional person at heart and looks like he really isn't a dominating sort of person. But who knows? I don't...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk with him. If nothing works, be independent.&lt;/strong&gt; There are people who will do nothing but bring you down. This co-worker seems to be doing just that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tenth part of the Scout Law is bravery. You need to be brave, even when you are scared. You need to keep your emotions in check, but do not suppress them. And confront him right there, on the spot, about his problems. Do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; indirectly bring them up. Do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; wait. Do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; submit to his behavior. Do it there. Work something out. If nothing can be done, then stop working with them. They can be toxic to your life and health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6145" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T21:48:33.190" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T21:48:33.190" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3639" CreationDate="2017-09-20T20:05:05.147" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;em&gt;He takes selfies while we are having random conversation. It's not that he is shooting himself and I accidentally appear in background. He specifically includes me in frame.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll assume that this is a frequently recurring situation. So, let's look at it how it could possibly be handled progressively:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt; Stage 1 (say, first 5-6 instances): &lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make very polite requests: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Listen buddy, please don't include me in the selfies you take. I'm not that type, and I don't like it&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After the first couple of attempts, you could assert yourself with, &lt;em&gt;&quot;I've told you before&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;b&gt;every single time&lt;/b&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt; Stage 2 (say, next 5 instances): &lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;em&gt;He specifically includes me in frame.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this clarifies his intent, it doesn't really specify how aware you are when included in the frame each time. Assuming you're aware, distance yourself from the frame for the first few times (in stage 2). If your requests are still not respected, &lt;b&gt;politely walk away&lt;/b&gt;. If it's a group setting, it is entirely plausible that, one or more people around you (including the friend in question) might try to stop you or question you. You could simply resort to saying the following, with a &lt;em&gt;wry smile&lt;/em&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Sorry, I just remembered that I have something else to do too, aside from clicking selfies.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should send a pretty audible &lt;em&gt;signal&lt;/em&gt; of your disapproval. If you've set yourself afoot, it's important to understand that you shouldn't give into the persuasions to stop. If you do so, it could indicate that: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You didn't really mean what you said, and / or &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You were only trying to grab some extra attention by creating a scene. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, follow this advice only when you're absolutely sure that you can and you must. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt; Stage 3: &lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; Be diplomatic. &lt;/b&gt;&#xA;Start avoiding the company, especially when outdoors or during breaks, which is when the &lt;em&gt;&quot;selfie syndrome&quot;&lt;/em&gt; is more likely to click in. When you know that the selfies can't be taken (for example, in the lecture hall, if this is a college friend), you could still choose to be with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to consider increasing the avoidance gradually, if you're unable to turn the situation in your favour still.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;hr&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the avoidance could lead up to either of the following two outcomes: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they sideline you too, you'd know which &lt;em&gt;&quot;type of friends&quot;&lt;/em&gt; you want to be with.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they start getting back to you, you'll have the opportunity to play your cards:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;It's not that I don't want to be friends. However, friendship isn't just about selfies. Please can you give some consideration to my lifestyle too and delete all those pics which you've taken before, despite my disapproval? Would you at least ask me if I want to be included in a pic or not?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; Note: &lt;/b&gt; While this could help you retain your friendship with this &lt;em&gt;&quot;friend&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, it could subtly also mean that, on certain occasions, to not appear like a total jerk, you may have to give-in into the requests of clicking pics (for example, someone's birthday or anniversary). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; You win some, you lose some. :) &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T20:05:05.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4334" CreationDate="2017-09-20T20:08:40.837" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;My advice to you would be to have that talk. But if at all possible, involve a manager or scrum-master in this. Or any other independent third party you can find. I've had troublesome co-workers, and this was my solution to remedy part of my fear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I talked to my scrum master privately. I just told him after stand-up that something was wrong, and that although I would like to address the problem with a certain co-worker myself, I would really prefer it if there was an independent third party present, that could moderate the conversation a little. Since I was especially afraid the other co-worker would not allow me to fully finish my talking, before interrupting or even ending the conversation, I asked the scrum-master to pay particular attention to this. That might be a good approach to have your co-worker hear you out as well. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If your co-worker feels easily criticized, keep this in mind when starting the conversation. Don't start with &quot;You did this and ...&quot;, a better start would probably be to say:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Lately, things haven't really been going well between us (at least, that's how I feel). I like you, and I like my job. So I would like to explain to you a little about my Asperger's, and how I think it is influencing our work-relationship. Please, hear me out. I'm not trying to offend or criticize you and after I have explained fully, I'm more than willing to hear your side of the story. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain why the third party is there. I pulled it off as saying that although I wanted to tell co-worker my side of the story and I wanted to hear his, I took a third party to the meeting to give me some independent feedback on my thoughts regarding our issue.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I approach him, without coming over as being critical again in regards to today's situation&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would be best to approach him on more general terms. Don't invite him to a conversation about today's situation, instead, focus on broader things like your work-relationship with him in general. Yes, you can use what happened as a specific example, but try and do so only when asked for it. If he asks you to make things specific, you can always say &quot;Well, what happened then makes a good example of one of those moments where I think we were miscommunicating&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start with a &quot;This is why I want to talk to you&quot;. The why should be explaining/ resolving your differences &lt;br&gt;&#xA;State your intent of explaining/resolving differences explicitly. &lt;br&gt; &#xA;State that you are not criticizing him explicitly &lt;br&gt;&#xA;Don't blame your co-worker. Keep your tone of voice and choice of words as neutral as possible.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Don't state &quot;You did this...&quot;, instead of that state: &quot;What happened in that moment...&quot; &lt;br&gt; &#xA;Avoid saying &quot;You&quot; whenever possible. This should help your co-worker realize you're focusing more on the situation than on him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I prevent him from ever doing to me again what he did today?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you can already guess what I am going to say here. &lt;em&gt;You can't teach an old dog new tricks.&lt;/em&gt; If you've explained your side of the story, with the third party present, your co-worker doesn't change and you can't change to handle his behavior differently, then you have 2 options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you had a third party present at the conversation, and this was a manager/scrum master, you could either escalate to them and try to have them undertake action against your co-worker. This might backfire on you though, resulting in the co-worker being even more difficult/hateful towards you, because now you've gotten him into trouble. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find a new team/company to work for. If your co-worker doesn't change (maybe he can't as well?) then you two are just not a compatible team. Maybe you can change team within the company, otherwise, print your CV and start looking. If you think you can handle the situation without serious damage, take your time to find a job that's just as good as yours. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you choose to go and find a new job, a little tip for handling the new team though, based on the comments we exchanged: Don't wait with explaining your Asperger's and your preferred way of working until somebody makes 'the first mistake'. I would recommend stating your preferred way of working before that, to avoid people seeing it as you criticizing them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T20:08:40.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4306" CreationDate="2017-09-20T20:14:54.040" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would make an assessment of why it is you are having this phone call, and what you hope to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;realistically&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; gain from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say the person is obligated by certain circumstances, and has not tried to contact you, otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My goal in talking with them is to understand what their attitude towards me is now, which will determine whether or not I try to rebuild the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, they hurt you badly, never bothered to try and contact you again, until forced to.  I think it seems pretty clear that they are not interested in continuing a personal relationship with you. Whether you think &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; want to try or not may not matter, if they have no interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also question why you'd want to rebuild a relationship with someone who'd hurt you and then put you on complete communication blackout for two years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I currently have very strong and very negative feelings about this person;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and for someone you have similar feelings towards&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I ended up &quot;snapping&quot; shortly into the conversation... To be honest I think they deserved to be screamed and swore at, and it felt good to get it out... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;in addition to the anger you have towards the person&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;there is also fear, distrust, sadness, disgust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you are a person who can harbor resentment towards someone and feels justified in releasing that in a verbally abusive manner.  You may want to consider if this might factor into why someone would not want to have further contact with you after ending a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the bitterness and resentment you harbor towards that person, why do you want to bother seeing if there's something worth salvaging?  I'm getting a sense that you are seeking some kind of validation that the other person was a heel two years ago, and that you are in the right. Hanging on to stuff like that after so much time is pointless and self-destructive, and borders a bit on the obsessive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also noticed strong judgement about how you were wronged and this person deserves to be thought of so horribly, but you feel justified in being abusive towards others, verbally, without really questioning your own character for being that way. You only seem to assess it as something that interferes with other objectives you might have had for that conversation, as opposed to what it says about how you treat people.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sensing any desire or effort in trying to see things from their perspective or to look at anything you might have done, or anything about the way that you are that might have contributed to the falling out. Sometimes the way people interact with each other creates conflict, just because that's how the personalities bump up against each other.  It doesn't have to be someone's fault, or it can be both people's fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is the reason for this call to reach some kind of closure over what happened two years ago? If there's some unrelated issue (you have an old pair of their boots, they have your favorite music collection that they borrowed at that time), then stick to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are looking for validation, for them to realize how wrong they were and how right you are, and for them to beg to be allowed back into your good graces, then I'd suggest you are only setting yourself up for more frustration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a person who is extremely stubborn, myself, and competitive, and when I'm in a disagreement with someone, I tend to not want to let it go until they acknowledge that I'm &quot;right.&quot; I constantly need to ask myself &quot;why does this matter? Is it important enough to alienate someone over?&quot;  Usually, the answer is &quot;no,&quot; and stepping back and making that assessment, on my own, usually helps me to drop what isn't important, and to avoid pointless, needless conflict and drama.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, maybe they did do something that is objectively unspeakably horrible to you, in which case, ignore the stuff about what you contributed to the problem. My answer is based on the somewhat sparse details about the situation, and filling in the gaps as best I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastEditorUserId="6146" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T20:18:14.187" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T20:18:14.187" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4277" CreationDate="2017-09-20T21:08:32.200" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This might be a less popular perspective but here are my thoughts, from a lazy male.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Expectation Vs Reality&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a basic rule of life, wants are infinite and resources are scarce. As a concrete example, I &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; my apartment to be vacuumed every day but I don't value that level of cleanliness enough to actually expend that much time and energy. There is some point at which my desires cross my willingness (where demand meets supply). For vacuuming, that might be every two weeks or every month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we were living together and you sat me down, telling me that you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; the apartment vacuumed every week and that you &lt;em&gt;expected&lt;/em&gt; me to do it, I'd hear something else: you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; the place vacuumed every week but you're &lt;em&gt;unwilling&lt;/em&gt; to expend that much effort yourself to attain it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My conclusion is that your demand (wants) is higher than your supply (commitment). It's worked for &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; to not vacuum every week; why is it my burden to meet your demand with my supply if you seem to not care about it as much as would be required for the work to be done?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a cynical case, at least. In the real world, you probably don't want him to do everything but merely want him to pitch in. That is, maybe you really did vacuum every week when you lived alone but, now that you have to spend extra time/energy cooking for two people, you don't have the time/energy to vacuum as frequently as you used to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That leaves you two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reevaluate your priorities. Do you actually care enough about vacuuming every week to incur the cost to yourself or your partner?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;View the issue as a scheduling problem.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Scheduling&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both made it to this point in life on your own schedules. Now that you're living together, it sounds like you expect those schedules to be comparable in both/either time and energy. But that's a bit inefficient, at least in terms of social capital you might spend continually convincing your partner to perform work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather, you could view this as an opportunity to reduce your own work without lessening your own comfort. For instance, if you are in the habit of doing laundry twice a week (Wednesday and Saturday) and he's in the habit of doing it once a week (Saturday), don't try to force him to do laundry twice a week. Instead, let him continue doing laundry once a week (Saturday) and you reduce your laundry schedule to once a week (Wednesday). You each might have slightly more laundry to do (since there are two of you) but he gets to continue only doing the chore once per week and you actually halve the frequency you're doing laundry. The same work for half the effort and no need to convince him of anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, though, what that means is your work loads might not be comparable. If you simply can't live in a place that isn't dusted every day and he goes six months between dustings, you're going to end up dusting far more often than he is. However, the effort put in reflects your different expectations. You're the one who cares so much about dust that you're willing to put in that much effort. And you were doing it before, when living alone. So why would it be necessary for you to expect him to start dusting every other day? It might be nice of him to do but I doubt that level of charity will keep for a lifetime relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conversely, you shouldn't feel the need to rise to his expectations. If he &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; a home-cooked meal every day but isn't willing to perform that work himself, he clearly doesn't care enough to justify the expenditure of time and energy. If you can't cook as frequently as he &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; because you don't share that desire, it's his responsibility to meet his own needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Wants Vs Needs&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many chores fit into this bin of &quot;wants&quot;. Things like vacuuming, cleaning windows, dusting, washing bed sheets. These are all things that might be nice to have done but aren't actually critical to your overall happiness or health (barring any medical conditions or neuroses).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Needs might be things like balancing a budget, paying bills, auto maintenance, and buying groceries. These are things that simply need to be done to maintain your current quality of life. If no one buys groceries, everyone goes hungry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd go through your list of expected chores and figure out what is a want and what is a need. Then, I'd spend a lot more social capital convincing my partner to balance each person's contribution to fulfilling needs before I'd even bother them with wants. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we're both equally using a car, it should be equally each person's responsibility to take it in for oil changes because it simply &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; to be done. Even though we might be equally using a bed, it might not be equally each person's responsibility to wash the sheets every 4 days because the bed doesn't stop working if the sheets only get washed every 14 days. That's a subjective valuation that might differ between you two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Solve Root Causes&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of times, people create more work for themselves than is necessary. As someone who is interminably lazy, I prefer to spend effort solving root problems than a myriad secondary problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, I rarely run my dishwasher. Rather than deal with a lot of dishes, I reuse the same bowl, plate, fork, and spoon for every meal. Then I wash those items immediately after I use them or before I use them again. In either case, I have a small unit of work that never gets out of hand (That is, I never have to convince myself to go through the lump sum effort of emptying the dishwasher).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, I reduce the amount of time needed to scrub my countertops by not cluttering them with unnecessary things in the first place. Or reduce the amount of vacuuming I need to do by not wearing shoes around the house. Or reduce the frequency of grocery shopping by buying in bulk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this might be a good opportunity for you two to optimize some of these chores by eliminating root problems. He'd probably be more willing to stop wearing shoes around the house than he would be to start vacuuming every week, for instance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a similar vein, if neither of you is willing to do a chore, you might ask if you really want whatever is causing it to be in your lives. As stated above, if neither of you is willing to put in the energy to vacuum every week, do you actually care if it drops to twice a month? Or if neither of you is willing to weed a garden, do you care enough about the garden to keep it around?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Incorporate his natural schedule of chores to reduce your own workload but don't demand that he increase (or decrease) his workload to reach parity with yours &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; to satisfy an idealized sense of fairness. Each person's input should match their individual expectations or wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, to counter an oft-cited argument, even though he may benefit from you dusting every day, it's no more work for you to do so now than when you were alone and it's for your benefit that you dusted every day to begin with. It's merely &quot;new&quot; benefit that he's enjoying, not &quot;stolen&quot; benefit from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6026" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T21:08:32.200" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2017-09-20T22:22:58.573" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Children often do things spontaneously, especially when they are excited. The example you give here is a good example of this. In the mind of the child, you were an obstruction, a grownup in the way, an obstacle. There was a space to squeeze in so the child took the opportunity. It wasn't personal. To the child, you were unimportant to the objective, i.e. using something the child wanted to play with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Parenting is not only about right and wrong, it's also about exploration and allowing a child to be off the leash, free to explore within the bounds of safety. If you had any real communication with the child, you could have stepped back, smiled, or said something on the child's understanding level,  along the lines of &quot;wait a minute I want my turn!&quot;.&#xA;To be annoyed with children is to be in a different mindset, misunderstanding the child's motivation. Children are in a place where they learn from everything around them. Unfortunately, this includes techy grown-ups sometimes. Try to empathise, rather than pronounce judgements, and I would definitely not offer your opinions and points of view about parenting to a child's parent unless the child did something that was potentially dangerous.&#xA;Our society has forgotten childhood, our children are regulated and policed, what they need is freedom of expression while they are young to be balanced when they are older, not being told they are &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt;.&#xA;What is needed in any interaction where one is teaching and one is learning is good humor and friendly demonstration. Children learn much better and faster if they are happy and the person teaching them the lesson is friendly. An unpleasant and selfish attitude from adults will teach the child just that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6153" LastEditorUserId="6153" LastEditDate="2017-09-20T22:34:08.007" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T22:34:08.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4334" CreationDate="2017-09-20T22:23:03.230" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I think you actually just criticize everyone, to conceal your own lack of skills, I mean it's surely a lot of pressure to be underperforming as you do, isn't it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not professional, as you know, and this person, as such, is hampering your ability to work there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you work in a professional environment, you have a manager. It's time to let him do his job. Go talk to the manager first and explain the situation (if he's not a programmer as well, describe the interpersonal problem first, then do your best to describe the fubar one. When that has happened, bring up the talk you want to have, and make it clear you want a third party there for observation and intervention if necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Passive agressive people suck the life out of others, and really, if there's something you can do about it, it's time to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T22:23:03.230" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-20T22:26:29.460" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your child did something that was wrong (very rude), but didn't know any better. Being forced to apologise has the negative effect that your child will see it as an unfair punishment, and on top of that you amplify the rudeness by drawing even more attention to it, plus you force a strange to be witness and cause of that unfair punishment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was me who was called fat, and I had to watch your child being forced to apologise, I'd want to tell you off for creating that situation, but would have to stop myself because I wouldn't do this with a child witnessing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The correct way is to tell your child as soon after as possible, in a safe place, that what they did was wrong, that it was rude, and that being rude is hurtful, but also can get you into trouble. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-09-20T22:26:29.460" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4346" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4347" CreationDate="2017-09-20T22:53:28.903" Score="5" ViewCount="1916" Body="&lt;p&gt;This has happened to me more than once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend Sally who has annoyed me for certain reasons.  One day, Sally tells me that it seems like Jane has been annoyed with her but she does not know why.  When she explains what has been going on, it seems to me like Jane could be annoyed by the exact same things that I find annoying/off-putting about Sally.  I don't know Jane, so I can't say for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell Sally that perhaps those things which annoy me (I've never told her that they annoy me) are what's annoying Jane?  Would I only mention them in the context of the situation with Jane, or do I also mention my personal experiences/grievances with Sally?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it matters, in one instance Sally was extremely confused about what would cause Jane to distance herself from Sally.  She brainstormed a list of possible reasons but came up with counterarguments for each one to make them sound farfetched.  One or more of the items in her list are indeed things that bother me about Sally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For example, a reason Sally came up with:&lt;/strong&gt; Perhaps Jane thinks I am trying to mooch off of her.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Sally's counter-argument:&lt;/strong&gt; But I offered to pay.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;My view&lt;/strong&gt;: Sally is one the biggest moochers I know.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Both from my experience and from the story she told me about Jane, the rare times that Sally does offer to pay are inappropriate.  For example, she may offer $5 for a half mile ride to her house.  While tempting to accept because she rarely offers up anything on her side, I would not feel right accepting money for such a short ride. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I tactfully react?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6156" LastEditorUserId="6156" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T16:00:35.583" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T21:03:59.160" Title="Should you point out a friend's flaws when they ask for insight into problems with another relationship?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4346" CreationDate="2017-09-21T00:03:16.427" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best answer is going to depend on Sally's personality and motivations. For this answer, I'm going to assume she's generally sensitive to criticism, but I'm a stranger on the internet and potentially dead wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One possible motivation is that &lt;strong&gt;she merely wants sympathy&lt;/strong&gt; for this bad thing that's happening to her. The list and counter-arguments make me especially believe this is the case, as she's already discounting the premise that she did something &quot;bad.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this instance, if you're all right tolerating your personal irks with her, then just be a friend. Listen to her complaints, acknowledge she has good reasons to feel how she does, and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you believe &lt;strong&gt;she wants an answer,&lt;/strong&gt; or you're bothered by her quirks and want to &lt;strong&gt;use this as a chance to speak up,&lt;/strong&gt; however, then a soft approach would be best for someone sensitive to criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discuss her list of possible reasons, only now come up with counter-arguments for her counter-arguments. You want to phrase these in the manner of, &quot;Is it possible that (Jane/people) ...&quot; rather than the &quot;Well, actually&quot; approach. The latter seems matter-of-fact and argumentative; you aren't trying to strike a debate about Sally's qualities nor rub her nose in being wrong, your goal is to get her to acknowledge that people will feel and think differently than how she expects them to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a specific and contrived example, one of her counter-arguments may have been something like, &quot;but Jane would have told me that X was the problem.&quot; Your counter-argument here could be something like, &quot;It's possible that Jane wanted to, but never found the right time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where my answer breaks down, as there are many follow-ups from here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be &lt;strong&gt;more blunt about your grievances&lt;/strong&gt;, you can use &quot;I&quot; examples instead of abstract &quot;Is it possible...&quot; ones. Eg, &quot;I know &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; didn't tell you X was the problem, because Y.&quot;&#xA;Pros: Voicing your opinion, becoming &quot;the honest friend,&quot; and more likely to see results for your issues.&#xA;Cons: Feelings may be hurt and you almost need to sidetrack and now have a conversation about you and Sally, returning to Sally and Jane later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be &lt;strong&gt;more subtle&lt;/strong&gt;, but maybe still see change, get her to think about these counter-arguments on her own. EG, following up our example with something like, &quot;Can &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; think of any reasons Jane wouldn't tell you about X?&quot; Try to direct her towards the reasons that apply to you.&#xA;Pros: Self-sufficiency, saving face, less likely to end in hurt feelings.&#xA;Cons: Your specific grievances will only change by coincidence, and maybe not at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, Sally should talk to Jane to sort this out. Remind her to be open, try to understand Jane's feelings, avoid arguing, and perhaps with her new list of plausible complaints, ask Jane if it's one of those/what she can do better about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, how much you interject your feelings is going to depend on the response you want. Hopefully I've laid out enough situations to help you pick a direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3457" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T00:03:16.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-21T04:12:19.057" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a couple of slightly unusual features little children have commented on at different times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have not done it to hurt my feelings -- what they said was true and they are just saying what they see. I usually just smile; sometimes I agree with them (like &quot;Yes I do have a big head. Look how big my hat is! It's like a big bucket. It took me a very long time to find a hat this big.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I'd feel much worse if the child was made to apologize than if they were not. I am very grateful that hasn't happened to me. Sometimes the parent has briefly apologized; I don't really see the need for it myself, but it's meant well so I just smile and say don't worry, it's fine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An older child should probably know better - say a 5 or 6 year old will have learned the ropes - but one considerably younger will not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say if the child is going to understand, explain that people might feel bad if you point out things that make them unusual. If the person seems bothered, then maybe apologize yourself but I wouldn't make a huge deal -- that could be more embarrassing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4123" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T04:12:19.057" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4350" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4361" CreationDate="2017-09-21T09:39:19.283" Score="69" ViewCount="26666" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I are going to a social event to the house of a (not so close but still) friend who is a self-declared and active feminist (e.g. she blogs about it). For such social events, we normally take flowers to the host in gratitude for the invitation. We like this present because (to us and based on feedback from past experiences) flowers are beautiful, colorful, smell nice, and overall bring joy to those around them. Also, most of the people give wine or chocolates, so we think something different is a nice present too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case however, I am afraid &lt;strong&gt;flowers could be understood by her as a gendered/stereotype/sexist present&lt;/strong&gt;. Since there is no obscurity between this friend and ourselves on her feminism, we having not thought about this potential perception could make her feel unpleased, specially when she might have to receive this present in front of other guests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is this an appropriate present?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Context is United Kingdom. I should add that I had some misunderstandings with some other (activist) feminists before for things &lt;em&gt;I considered&lt;/em&gt; minor issues, and just want to avoid another. Not that I think something &lt;em&gt;terrible&lt;/em&gt; might happen of course, but just asking to be more &quot;informed&quot;. I confess I would particularly appreciate an answer from a self-declared activist feminist, which perhaps might back up the answer with some sources/texts on why my friend &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; well be upset with such present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update: I will report back on how this went (in a week's time). The truth is that this massive conversation (quite insightful) is kind of pushing me to actually give her flowers, to see what results of it. If I direct her to this post after it, I am sure she will have a massive laugh! (or not) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3135" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T15:38:10.010" LastActivityDate="2018-12-29T07:25:16.643" Title="Can I give flowers to a feminist as a present for hosting a party?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;feminism&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="13" ClosedDate="2018-12-25T23:53:41.947" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T09:51:38.293" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think it should be a big deal, as you stated :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For such social events, we normally take flowers to the host in gratitude for the invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I take that, whomever the host is, you would act this way. You are not bringing flowers because she is a woman, but because she is the host. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my own experience, most of the time, feminists don't tend to over-think that kind of small things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it might be a good idea to phrase it in a way that makes sure that she wil understand that it is not because of her gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We brought some flowers as thanks for the invitation, I hope it's okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Might work fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are really worried that she might take it as a gender-specific action, just asking her in advance (via text for exemple) could be a good idea. If you ask her something like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, we usually bring flower for the host when we're invited to an event, is that okay ? Or should we bring something else ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And depending on her answer you should know what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T09:51:38.293" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4352" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T09:52:33.623" Score="77" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally I think you are overthinking it.  I have never given flowers and had them unappreciated.   All those reasons you gave for giving flowers are good ones.  I don't see how following feminism would make you have to dislike flowers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are worried, maybe give a house plant instead?  This has less historic connotations than a bunch of flowers and has the added advantage of generally lasting longer too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2866" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T09:52:33.623" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4334" CreationDate="2017-09-21T10:11:52.620" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;An engineer's job is to either find solutions to problems, or remove the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're in a situation where your engineer colleague is the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For readers who aren't into software engineering: it's pretty bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shoving all the C++ files into one huge blob has its uses. I've used it for small microcontroller code when I needed the optimizations. It can also be used for large applications, but that would only be for very performance-critical stuff like games. If you use llvm and clang, you can apply whole-program optimization if you set the options right. This involves compiling each source file into llvm bytecode (not machine code) then deferring the &quot;llvm to machine code&quot; translation after linkage, which allows an optimization pass on the whole program. But llvm/clang is not always as good as the other compilers, although sometimes it is better, so there is a trade-off. It could work, or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what your colleague should have told you: an explanation of why he chose this particular solution, which comes with its own set of compromises. Something like &quot;Yeah, it sucks on (whatever), but it's really good on (whatever) so I think it's a good compromise.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you'd have agreed, if he had explained... But he did not! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, I'd view this guy's approach as very suspicious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In that moment he just immediately came over to my desk and repeatedly asked me like &quot;So show me, c'mon show me what you have done&quot; in a very pushy way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By making a criticism, you questioned his position as leader (ie, alpha male). So he went into monkey mode and asserted dominance by humiliating you. Next time he does that, please visualize this picture:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/muTRt.gif&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/muTRt.gif&quot; alt=&quot;A big, angry monkey hitting his chest&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because this is exactly what happened. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;having Asperger's makes me having trouble understanding others motivations, thoughts, and interests, as far they differ from mine. That means, to understand actions of someone I need to understand that person's motivations&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, so I hope this helps understanding why he did that. It's a power/domination game, basically animal instincts. As I said in another post, we're all evolved monkeys, and sometimes it shows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you should not interpret all the insults he threw at you, criticizing your performance etc, as literal. In fact, when he does that, visualize the thumping monkey, and replace every word that comes out of his mouth by &quot;My authority is questioned! Must... assert... dominant... position... Onk! Onk!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I started feeling VERY insecure and wasn't able to explain anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Insulting someone with Aspergers is extra cruel since they have trouble processing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would take pleasure in firing this guy ;) In fact, I've fired people like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you tell an engineer &quot;are you sure this is the best way to do it&quot; they should react on the lines of &quot;hey, maybe there's a better way and we can improve the thingie.&quot; That's if they're good. In this guy's case, pride and short temper get in the way. He may favor bad solutions because they're his solutions and he's too proud to consider others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, how to give him constructive criticism:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feed him the &lt;a href=&quot;https://personalexcellence.co/blog/constructive-criticism/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;feedback sandwich&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;a href=&quot;http://n8tip.com/the-hamburger-method-of-constructive-criticism-works-for-vegetarians-too&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Another example&lt;/a&gt;. Use Gordon's method and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201110/the-art-constructive-criticism&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;rephrase&lt;/a&gt; as &quot;I...&quot; instead of &quot;You...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like: &quot;I'm interested to know why you chose this solution, I'm sure I missed some of the advantages of this.&quot; instead of &quot;Why did you do it like that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does not work on everyone. Some people can handle criticism just fine and will tell you to cut the crap halfway through the first layer of sugar-coating, and that's excellent. Your colleague does not seem to be like that however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also probably needs a reminder about your condition, perhaps you can find an online guide about &quot;how to handle people with Asperger's&quot; and suggest he read it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt; -- now taking into account the new info, and the old info I hadn't noticed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's the only developer in a largish company (~300 people). &quot;That guy is crucial, he is the only one knowing how to code C except for me, and he is one of the most senior employees (...) they simply couldn't fire the only one being able to maintain productive code.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Translation: the manager allowed this guy to dig himself in like a barnacle and become irremovable. If this guy gets run over by a bus or is unable to work for an extended time, the whole company will be in deep shit. If they can hire 300 people, they could have hired a backup plan. Your manager is, thus, an idiot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're probably that backup plan, but you should have been hired much earlier, before that guy became &quot;crucial&quot;. In this case you wouldn't have been a threat to his dominant position, because he wouldn't have been in a dominant position yet. But right now, I'd bet he knows that if he lets you master the code base, then you can eventually replace him... So it's in his own interest to get you out of the way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't matter that you're a nice guy and not interested in stealing his job: when management gets tired of his antics, if you can replace him they will make you an offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you agree this is true (I could've missed the point) then you need another job, because even if he's not an asshole, he has a strong incentive to get rid of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, let's try to enter this guy's state of mind, ie his &quot;frame&quot;. A bit like writing a character description, but in first person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm so awesome! The whole company's future rests only on me! They respect me, beg me for help, and when my shitty code crashes and I fix it, they look up to me like a God!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Positive I.D. confirmed... beep... zoom in... snapshot:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/2nUFq.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/2nUFq.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Picture of a man dressed as a knight&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...complete with a skull on a stick. It would be better with flames coming out of the eyes, but this one will do for now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact he's into power/domination games and humiliated you gives me a hunch that he knows very well that you're a threat to his dominant position. At first I attributed this to his short temper and your attempt at criticism, but I had missed the fact that he's in the perfect position to develop a Lone Superhero Syndrome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean, if he was a mildly awkward geek like James Damore, it would be believable that he's in it for the thrill of coding and really wouldn't mind the help... but somehow that doesn't feel right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And I just yelled &quot;You really offend me like this and then just call it a day?&quot; what he simply responded to with &quot;Yes, I do.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this is a very valuable nugget of information that I had missed. I wonder if he sounded like he was gloating?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he was in monkey mode as I first thought, controlled by anger and primal urges, then he'd probably have replied something more emotional like &quot;Go f- yourself&quot; and slammed the door. But this &quot;Yes, I do&quot; is quite a witty line to pull in such circumstances. This hints of him being either such a professional asshole that he can stay witty even when angry (ie, bad) or it would hint that he wasn't really angry and still in control (ie, worse for you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this line, because I like to use it when I really want to be a total asshole. It works very well, but it's like a weapon of mass destruction. Basically it means &quot;I don't give a shit what you feel because you don't exist.&quot; Which, I'm sure you reckon, isn't something you say unless you're absolutely sure the person in front of you really deserves it, and you got no plans to be buddies in any kind of future or alternate dimensions...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, back to your case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm gonna go out on a limb here, wild hypothesis, might be wrong, but I'll attempt it anyway. I'll characterize this guy as a high-level narcissist. I don't know if you know how a narcissist works, so I'm gonna illustrate, just in case. Also I'm having way too much fun writing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all live inside our own movie which can be called a frame, this is the way we perceive reality. Call it a set of axioms that we take for granted and which govern the way we think. Look at a conservative: Trump is a jolly good fellow! Look at a liberal: Trump is a nazi! Same reality, different perceptions. Reality would be like: Trump is Trump, like an elementary particle, if you can figure out where he stands by reading his tweets, you violated the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and get Nobel prize, good for you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, frame influences what details are ignored or processed by our minds, it also influences how we react to real events. Since you're an aspie, I go by the assumption that your frame is very different from mine. So we probably interpret reality in different ways. Everyone does, it's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to the issue: what is the frame of a narcissist? Well, it's basically this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/cqnfj.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/cqnfj.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;A drawing of a &amp;quot;skull-man&amp;quot;, sitting in a throne and looking scary&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Damn! Still no flames coming out of the eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, a Narcissist sits on his throne, and his legions of worthless minions grovel at his feet. This is his reality: in his own movie, he's the hero, and everyone else is that secondary character who dies throwing themselves in front of a bullet aimed at the hero in chapter two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For once, I'm not exaggerating. Some people are really like that. I'm not sure your colleague is, but think about what being the only developer in a 300+ people company will do to someone with an overinflated ego to begin with, over the years... scary!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you criticize a Narcissist, perhaps you think you are making a simple constructive criticism, but what you are really doing is challenging their world view. In their movie, they're the hero. They're fucking Superman. So you step in and hint that Superman might, kinda, sometimes, be wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Narcissistic&lt;/a&gt; brain short-circuit. That guy has two options: either acknowledge he's wrong, or get rid of you. His brain will choose the easier way out, and that is always the second option, because in his own frame, a Narcissist is never wrong. If he could be wrong, he wouldn't be a narcissist...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point I'll just quote wikipedia:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Narcissistic individuals use various strategies to protect the self at the expense of others. They tend to devalue, derogate, insult and blame others, and they often respond to threatening feedback with anger and hostility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds like &quot;boom headshot&quot; doesn't it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now... another feature of the Narcissist is that you're his buddy. He'll be super friendly (at first, before he destroys you). In fact, you'll think he's awesome... because he wants you to think he's awesome! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here's my assessment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get another job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the interview for your next job, when they ask about your past experiences, mention that you were in a large company with only one person in charge of IT, and how crazy and illogical this sounds. Tell them the truth, you can use every word I wrote above also, it's meant to help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-30T21:01:19.173" LastActivityDate="2018-12-30T21:01:19.173" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T10:22:40.353" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you give someone a gift of flowers and they act unappreciative/offended then the problem lies with them not you or the gift. If you want to give flowers then give them and don't worry about it, you cannot control other people's unreasonable or irrational reaction to things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2899" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T10:22:40.353" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4298" CreationDate="2017-09-21T10:42:04.730" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;All the answers thus far seem to focus on &lt;strong&gt;verbal communication&lt;/strong&gt;, which is a &lt;a href=&quot;http://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fh0024532&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;terribly blunt instrument&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; when it comes to actually seeming human in your interactions. I'd strongly advise &lt;strong&gt;against&lt;/strong&gt; trying to sneak the word &quot;date&quot; into your ask, and instead offer some different advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A fundamental difference between how men and women tend to communicate, whether cultural, biological or both, is that men tend to think of context as rather concrete, and don't see much difference between context that's explicitly mentioned and context that isn't. Women, on the other hand, tend to recognize that the very act of &lt;em&gt;saying&lt;/em&gt; can change context. In other words, to a man, a fact is a fact, and saying it does little to change that, while to a woman, sometimes there are facts that could go either of a few different ways, and as long as the fact isn't &lt;em&gt;mentioned&lt;/em&gt;, that flexibility remains. Think of it like Schrödinger's cat, once you open the box the flexibility is gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is this relevant? Because an easy option for women who aren't quite sure whether or not they want to &lt;em&gt;date&lt;/em&gt; you is to go out for something that &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; be a date, and then if it goes well they let it be a date, and if it doesn't then they have the option to act surprised like it was never a date. Leaving the word &quot;date&quot; out of it takes the pressure off, and also makes it much easier for the woman to say yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But how do you actually establish it as a date? &lt;strong&gt;Treat it like a date&lt;/strong&gt;. Flirt, include some physical contact if she's receptive (and obviously not if she seems uncomfortable), kiss if a moment presents itself. By the end of a well-conducted date, it should be obvious to both of you that it &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; a date, while leaving her the flexibility to treat it like it &lt;em&gt;wasn't&lt;/em&gt; if it goes really badly and she needs an out. Of course, saying the word &quot;date&quot;, along with certain nonverbal actions like kissing, are strong enough statements that they force her to make a decision and either accept it as a date or not. It's confusing, sure, but is among the most intuitive and naturally comfortable ways to do things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I ask women &quot;&lt;strong&gt;out&lt;/strong&gt; to [insert activity here]&quot;, where including the word &quot;out&quot; makes it fairly obvious to her that I &lt;em&gt;mean&lt;/em&gt; a date, while leaving her the escape route of being able to say she didn't realize it was going to be a date later, if need be. Ask however you'd like to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4736" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T10:42:04.730" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4269" CreationDate="2017-09-21T10:45:11.990" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact that Joe has not got a respectable or steady job does not mean he does not love or cherish your cousin sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There has been more than one instance where wealthy suitors and Mr-Rights have mistreated and abused the trust of their sweethearts and spouses. Although Joe's dire financial situation is, understandably, alarming it does not necessarily mean he will exploit or harm her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you actually personally met Joe face to face? You said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I know for a fact that he drinks alcohol in excess, gambles away his earnings and is being investigated for fraud at his former workplace.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which strongly hints that you have &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; heard of him, but have you talked to one another?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one seems to have a good word for Joe, which does make him somewhat of an underdog. Now, some women imagine themselves as Florence Nightingale (The female equivalent of Prince Charming, or the knight in shining armour) Other users have said as much in their own answers. There's even a syndrome called the &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Nightingale_effect&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Florence Nightingale effect&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; the Wikipedia page limits this condition to caregivers and says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Florence Nightingale effect is a situation where a caregiver develops romantic feelings, sexual feelings, or both for their patient, even if very little communication or contact takes place outside of basic care. Feelings may fade once the patient is no longer in need of care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe is not a patient but your cousin sister may have developed strong feelings for him because she feels she can “cure” him or make him into a better man. Well, it's not impossible, “bad” guys can change their spots... although it's rare. But let's give Joe the benefit of the doubt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Solution&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what I would do in your situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would talk to Joe in person and hear his side. I'd listen to him and do my very best not to judge or interrupt his discourse with hearsay or ‘proof’ of his misconduct. I would want to sense whether he can change his behaviour, that his feelings for my cousin are sincere.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also suggest that one day Joe might be a father, how would he cope with that type of responsibility?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I would then talk to his former employers, and colleagues and hear what they have to say about Joe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After forming an opinion, and gathering up the facts and evidence, you might feel that Joe is trustworthy. In which case, just have a chat with your younger cousin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to persuade her to wait five months. If their love for one another is “true”, five months will fly by (not for her but convince her otherwise). After five months their love-match will be met with less resistance. A happy wedding ceremony starts marriage life on the right foot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if your worst fears have been confirmed, you might consider writing “Little Bun” a hand-written letter, and give this letter to her in person. She should read it when she is alone. You can make the letter as long and as detailed as you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In your shoes, I would include the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear cousin,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sincerely concerned for your future well-being and happiness. Your closest friends and family have expressed their deep reservations for Joe and fear he may not be the right man for you. His behaviour in the past has not been faultless, ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;blah, blah, blah&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then somewhere towards the end, the letter can be concluded with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there something, &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt;, you have not said but have held back from saying? Anything you want to say, I promise it will remain absolutely confidential.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my eyes, you will always be my darling baby cousin, but before you take the most important decision in your life, I want to hear you say that you are happy and that you and Joe love each other and will go to the ends of the earth for one another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell me that is so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With affection,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;English Student&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T12:05:46.133" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T11:35:19.657" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In our company, we have an official process to gift flowers (from the manager to the person) when people have been around 5, 10, ... years. The process obviously does not differentiate between males and females (which &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; be chauvinistic).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence, I regularly give flowers to males in this context, often when other males and females are present as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It never was a problem for &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;. Initially, for whatever cliché reason, I was afraid that it would be awkward to give flowers to a man, but men do seem to like beautiful things as much as women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in this regard, I believe you can feel perfectly safe!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T11:35:19.657" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T12:01:01.223" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Whether or not someone is a feminist is a very bad predictor for how much they (dis)like being given flowers&lt;/strong&gt;. Some may, some may not. It's certainly neither a necessary (1) nor a sufficient (2) condition; so without further information, not much advice can be given. You know your friend better than this bunch of strangers on the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;On the one hand, there are various reasons why someone might feel offended by a gift of flowers, though all very unlikely: You forgot about the person's allergy, the particular kind of flower evokes bad memories, and, yes: the person is a feminist and considers a gift of flowers as symbol of patriarchy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I'd venture to say that most feminists see a gift of flowers simply as a kind gesture and that's it. Most women I know consider themselves feminists (but only a few are activists), and as far as I'm aware of would not be offended to receive flowers. Even if your friend thought giving flowers was symbolic of patriarchy, she might still see the kindness of the gesture, value the expression of your friendship, and/or consider it inappropriate to &quot;punish&quot; you for a well-intentioned act of kindness.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T13:59:40.243" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T13:59:40.243" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="577" CreationDate="2017-09-21T12:14:09.980" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Why does it even need to be brought up?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To reverse an old quip: bodies are like opinions... everyone has one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bodies are not automatically sexual. Sexualizing is in the eye and mind of the beholder. So if you are regarding her attire as something awkwardly sexual, it is you who have made it awkward and sexual, not her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only exception to this rule is if her attire and behaviour is in violation of local regulations or the law. And wearing a &lt;strong&gt;covering swimsuit at a public bath&lt;/strong&gt; hardly seems like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4227" LastEditorUserId="4227" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T19:17:16.397" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T19:17:16.397" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-21T12:30:32.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, you should not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The child spoke the truth, and teaching it to hide the truth while at the same time trying to teach it that it should not lie and be honest and such will result in an internal conflict that a small child cannot yet resolve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The subtlety of communicating truthfully but in a manner that isn't rude or disrespectful is not adequate for a 4 year old. This will have to wait for some more years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also keep in mind that the target of the remark is potentially used to much worse comments, and from adults. People in general don't run out crying because a child said something. They understand that children are children and that's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personal remark: I wouldn't teach my child that this was wrong at any age. If a person is fat, he is fat, that's a fact. If he can't stand being called fat, he should eat less. If he's fat due to a medical condition (the 1% that everyone thinks they belong to) then it is still true that he's fat, it just isn't his fault and he has no reason to feel bad about it. We have become to oversensitive to rudeness, and ironically this has made it much &lt;strong&gt;easier&lt;/strong&gt; for bullies to exist, because people don't confront them anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T12:30:32.260" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4365" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-21T13:00:50.803" Score="19" ViewCount="4162" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been asked this question several times this year, mainly from family members but also from long-term friends. I don't feel &lt;em&gt;uncomfortable&lt;/em&gt; being asked but I also don't feel &lt;em&gt;comfortable&lt;/em&gt; with where the conversation goes, at the minute I've just been semi-honest. The responses vary from person to person, but I generally explain that the last relationship breakup was hard, or that I'm concentrating on my career, which then leads down to a spiral of more questions (sigh).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd prefer a response with abit of humour behind it, so I can deflect the conversation away from the question, or back to the person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I respond humourously to someone when they ask &quot;How come you're still single?&quot; to prevent further questions about my love life?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: the answers should aim towards nonintermediate family, so it doesn't matter about their sense of humour or anything, just something potentially funny that indicates I'm not interested going down this road of conversation (even if they don't find it funny). &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't a dupe as the other question isn't dead set on the type of response they want to have, I just purely want a humourous response only, regardless of the scenario. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2167" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T13:15:39.810" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T08:57:55.727" Title="How to respond to someone when they ask &quot;How come you're still single?&quot;" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;humor&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="14" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-09-22T10:37:48.893" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4365" CreationDate="2017-09-21T13:11:08.977" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;One that has been a running joke in my family is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships smack of effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is painfully true, and anyone who's ever been in a long term relationship will kind of have to admit it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After seeing how well marriage has worked for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; I've been having my doubts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I throw this one at my older brother occasionally. His wife has taken to breeding Pomeranians...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also the classic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to be institutionalized?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most cases it's pretty easy to humorously deflect the question by getting the person who asked to reflect on their own relationship. No one's relationship is perfect and there's usually some fun to be poked there...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More situation dependant, but still funny:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm waiting for the divorce to finalize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not opposed to same sex marriage, just opposed to having &lt;em&gt;the same sex&lt;/em&gt; for the rest of my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T14:08:55.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4365" CreationDate="2017-09-21T13:30:20.427" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the Netherlands, there are a few witty responses, but some can turn out really awkward. I've had to make a few of them and heard a lot of them, I've listed them below. I would really advise you to adhere to the disclaimer on the first, and never use it in the presence of people that you know of that can't have a kid of their own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;USE THIS ONE WITH CARE:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My in-laws were unable to conceive a child. &lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A little more neutral, but still dangerous:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My in-laws never had children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Safe ones are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;My prince fell off his white horse and is too stubborn to ask for directions &lt;br&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;My princess lost her shoe and is still shopping for new ones. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;The only man that would be unable to live without women would be a gynecologist. &lt;br&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Because a relationship is two people fixing problems that wouldn't have been there if they'd stayed alone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T14:08:54.857" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T14:08:54.857" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4365" CreationDate="2017-09-21T13:37:59.620" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Nepal most people have arrange marriage so I would go with (Single myself):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My parents are searching and they haven't found anyone as good as me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound weird in case of Western European culture. But may cause them to stop asking further question. If not you could ask a question about their life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or you could go with,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am very good at giving relationship advice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No I am not, my girlfriend is so beautiful, looking all invisible and shit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Found these in &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.pinterest.com/pin/279575089345717365/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;pinterest&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5987" LastEditorUserId="5987" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T15:10:10.393" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T15:10:10.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4365" CreationDate="2017-09-21T13:46:56.967" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not really my set of answers, but I found them hilarious. Taken from &lt;a href=&quot;http://eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/ten-great-comebacks-to-the-why-are-you-still-single-question/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Response to family members and friends:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Just lucky, I guess.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Name one married superhero. Exactly.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Response to friends only (maybe from &quot;gender of interest&quot;, but not needed for it to be a joke):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Because you haven’t proposed yet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3135" LastEditorUserId="3135" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T14:02:23.950" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T14:02:23.950" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4365" CreationDate="2017-09-21T13:48:48.727" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few comebacks &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://blog.timesunion.com/kristi/2008/12/16/comebacks-to-why-are-you-still-single/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;found&lt;/a&gt; and found them funny and would give as answers myself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I don’t have to cheat on my left hand!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I haven’t found a partner who can make me as happy as I make&#xA;myself!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Liked, but not as funny:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m not willing to give up on love just yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; have actually said in the past:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How come you aren't divorced yet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(after prolonged pestering from a relative)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How come &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are still asking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T08:57:55.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4372" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4376" CreationDate="2017-09-21T14:14:32.190" Score="8" ViewCount="3293" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the title says, there's a guy I met for five minutes several months ago who won't stop messaging me on Facebook. We're both (straight) guys, so it's not romantic, he just seems to want to shoot the breeze. I'm not a fan of small talk, and online even less so. I've tried ignoring his messages, but he doesn't stop and every time he messages me and I ignore him I feel guilty (more on that in a second).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was hoping if I talked with him for a little while, he'd stop for a while, but when I tried that he just messaged me again the very next day. Part of the reason I suspect this is an issue is that I know he has something like Asperger's, so I don't think he would take a hint if I just started giving him short, curt responses. But I don't want to be super blatant/rude about it and say &amp;quot;I don't want to talk to you&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister knows his sister quite well, and my sister said he doesn't get out much or have many friends, so that's probably why he tries to talk to me. I guess he sees me as a friend even though, as I said, the only reason I even remember him from the five minutes I talked to him is that he found me and sent me a FB friend request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess I wouldn't mind so much if we had anything at all in common, but we don't. He'll see something I posted on Facebook and message me about it, but if I respond he'll just talk about his work which doesn't interest me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How do I politely ask/get him to stop messaging me?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5245" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T19:29:55.370" Title="Guy I met very briefly won't stop messaging me" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;instant-messaging&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4365" CreationDate="2017-09-21T14:19:04.887" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best route that works for me is to confuse them, I like the setup&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They ask a question&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You answer with a another question which is confusing and they don't know the answer to&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They answer something like  &quot;I don't know&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You say &quot;exactly&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a parody on the setup where they ask you a question and you answer with something like Is pope a catholic?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was used in Rick and Morty(&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpbSXavOLXs&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;video&lt;/a&gt;) with the following slightly inappropriate setup (the inappropriate content is in a spoiler)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Can you fly a black hawk?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote class=&quot;spoiler&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Can the pope's d**k fit through a doughnut?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;...I'm...not sure?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Exactly&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The joke is kinda surreal so people might find it strange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3689" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T14:19:04.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4372" CreationDate="2017-09-21T14:39:10.703" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ya... Sounds like Asperger's/autism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let me tell you about my very specific interest at great length, over and over again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know, because I fight the urge to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest way would be to &quot;ghost,&quot; just stop responding and he'll eventually stop sending messages. This isn't polite, but it's pretty common online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being on the spectrum, it's usually helpful for me when people are more direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you seem like a nice enough guy, but it doesn't seem like we have anything in common. You keep telling me about your job, but I don't really know much about, or have much interest in, that industry. Sorry I don't mean to be unkind, I'm just not much for small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that he's making an effort to generate &quot;small talk&quot; and may even be slightly relieved to not be &quot;expected to&quot; anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aspies can be a little strange socially. We have a lot of the same urges to socialize and be accepted. We're just not always very good at relating to people, and trying to relate and communicate the way neurotypical people do is often exhausting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T14:39:10.703" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T14:39:21.217" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A true feminist means she wants equality. So, if you'd be happy receiving flowers from her, then she shouldn't get upset if she received them from you. There's no gender stereotype with flowers, they're a nice gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6210" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T14:39:21.217" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4378" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-21T14:49:34.377" Score="4" ViewCount="3417" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a close friend who I'm on very good terms with, and have no desire to lose them as a friend. He's fun to be around and we spend a lot of time together either gaming or just chatting via IM. But he is quick to become irritated or angry at little things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, when we're playing games together and he's not doing particularly well, or another player flames him, he gets very annoyed which is understandable; but what I notice is that it can foul his mood literally for hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example would be when a customer (he works for an eCommerce company) is trying to pull a fast one, is uncooperative in resolving issues, or is in some other way difficult to work with. He rightfully gets irritated and annoyed, but it shows in his mood for hours after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything I usually say or do doesn't bring his mood back round. I can try and act normal, but this results in me acting normal despite an air of tension while he is still clearly in a bad mood which makes it not so enjoyable to spend time with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For cultural context, we are both from the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to deal with this sort of situation? Is there anything that I can try to do or say which might pull him out of this mood and return to a normal and positive atmosphere faster? I appreciate that it is okay for people to be angry, but for it to happen for so long over such small incidents just seems like he is giving them more attention than they are worth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6039" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T15:06:39.063" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T05:08:24.723" Title="How to handle friends who can't let small things go?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4381" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4394" CreationDate="2017-09-21T15:35:07.277" Score="8" ViewCount="629" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know that a similar question has been asked before, but the culture and location is different, and so is the context, to some extent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My classmates keep talking to me in class, and I have a strong feeling that my grades are going down because of that. I often join in on their conversation, but regret it later. I need to tell them that I don't want to talk when the teacher is teaching us, but I don't want them to feel bad or that I've left their peer group in any way. What would be the best way to do so?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Link to similar question: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2958/how-to-stop-colleague-from-talking-so-much-when-subtle-hints-are-not-working/&quot;&gt;How to stop colleague from talking so much when subtle hints are not working?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T20:59:36.943" Title="How to ask my classmates to stop talking to me in class?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4378" CreationDate="2017-09-21T15:36:03.443" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have a close friend who I'm on very good terms with, and have no desire to lose them as a friend. ...But he is quick to become irritated or angry at little things. ...it can foul his mood literally for hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to be a true friend with this person, then you &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; need to accept his foul moods for hours on end for a while. You can't change him, especially if he doesn't see the problem and want to change it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be a fair-weather friend with this person, then just sign off when his mood is affecting yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;True friends can talk to one another about almost everything. If you're looking for a quip or pep talk which will change him for the better, I can't give you one. But if you really want to be his friend, have a heart to heart talk with him about his anger management issues (I wouldn't exactly use those words.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approach it from a perspective of 'is this right for you/how do you feel about this'? You might find out a lot. If he sees no problem whatsoever, and he's happy to hold on to his anger over slights, then decide where you want to go from there, including the possibility of telling him that his anger affects you, too, and you're not sure you want to be in his company for hours of it (if that's true.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't like his own behavior, there's a chance you can help him out of it. Do you know about his past? Is there a reason for his prolonged anger? Do you want him to just get over it, or are you committed to helping him? If you are, then discuss the problem from his perspective first, and ask him if he'd like your help in getting to a better place. Ask him what he thinks might work. Try that first. It may be that he needs validation of his feelings (&quot;Yeah, that was a ------- thing to do.&quot;). It may be that it puts him in a bad place from his past. (&quot;You're not in high school/whatever anymore. You don't have to worry about that stuff; you're wiser than that now.&quot;) Or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it doesn't work, acknowledge that and try some new things, but read about anger and primary/secondary emotions first. Anger doesn't just appear. It is precipitated by something first: hurt. Maybe because he was disrespected, felt unvalued, felt powerless, something that in the moment is too painful to stay there, so it devolves into anger, which is easier to handle, because it's &quot;other-directed&quot;. Dealing with this means dealing with the first feelings. I know nothing about gaming, but, for example, (and this is kind of superficial, but... this is actually how it's done)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: What did you feel when he flamed you?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Him: Angry!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: But why did you get angry?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Him: Because he shouldn't have done that!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Did he break a rule or was it just a ------- thing to do?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Him: It was -------.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: And that made you feel...?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Him: Disrespected. Unimportant. Small.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Yes. People can do that. And you can let that ruin your next few hours, or you can recognize that people can do ------- things, and get on with being your own self. Don't give a stranger that kind of power over you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's talky and therapist-like, but friends do this sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he really needs help, quips and stuff won't change it. But he can take an anger management course (short and sweet and very effective) and that would be a great gift to himself. You can even gift him one, if that's the kind of friendship you have or develop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited to reflect information in comments:&lt;/strong&gt; You've tried talking to him, and you know some of the reasons he's in a bad place when he feels disrespected. That's important. If &quot;That's just how I am,&quot; is his response, you either accept it, or go out on a limb and tell him you don't feel good when he's angry (almost no one does) and you're trying to deal with it but find it really hard. &quot;It's just the way I am&quot; is only an excuse to avoid the painful work of facing your feelings of hurt, inadequacy, or whatever of the variety of feelings that make us human, and rise above them to a better place. If he says he doesn't want to be in a better place, ou have some decisions to make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T15:47:50.097" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T15:47:50.097" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4383" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4387" CreationDate="2017-09-21T15:59:50.843" Score="5" ViewCount="2697" Body="&lt;p&gt;My birthday's approaching. It's not a milestone age or anything, but my friends and teammates (people I socialize, work or talk with every day, at meals, practice and study sessions) found out about it and have told me they'll rig up a birthday celebration of some sort. I really appreciate the gesture, but I'm not a huge party person. I'd much rather have a smaller celebration with just a few close friends. My objection isn't due to a lack of time; it's just that I don't like large social gatherings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, many of the people who want to plan the party aren't in that close friend group, and I'm worried that they might be offended if I exclude them. I've already attempted to tell them that I don't want a party (at all!). This morning, I said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, guys, I really appreciate your offer, but I don't want a big celebration for my birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The responses were along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't relax enough! Don't worry, we won't do anything too big. &lt;em&gt;Some chuckles&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;wanted&lt;/em&gt; to say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but I just want to have a get-together with some close friends. I'm sorry, but that's all I'm doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but I couldn't manage to be forceful enough. I was too afraid of offending them, and so I sort of rolled over. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are my goals for communication in a future in-person response (hopefully within the next day or so):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to make it clear that I don't want a large celebration.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They need to know that I don't &lt;em&gt;dislike&lt;/em&gt; them; I simply would rather spend time with close friends.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I still appreciate the gesture.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to offend them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'd like to be assertive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I accomplish these goals in conversation? Ideally, I'd like to be the one to start talking, to come off as more assertive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Culturally, I'm a teenage college student at a small school in the United States. The group of would-be party planners number about 12, and they're all my age or a little older. I know that they care about me, but I think they've gotten a little caught-up in their excitement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T17:41:39.867" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T17:41:39.867" Title="I don't want a large birthday party. How can I let my friends know?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;teenagers&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4383" CreationDate="2017-09-21T16:14:26.977" Score="0" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Be assertive.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to do a big birthday celebration, then be assertive about it. Unfortunately, indirectly stating that in a small voice isn't really gonna do much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to communicate this front and center with them. If they don't get it, then do the celebration by yourself. Do the things you would've wanted to do with them but by yourself. Because we cannot depend on friends all the time and sometimes, we can/have to be selfish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6145" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T16:14:26.977" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4386" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4390" CreationDate="2017-09-21T16:24:22.780" Score="23" ViewCount="11638" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are times and situations that teasing someone can create a bond of friendship and that the bond created is a result of a well-meaning intention to prepare a person for what they might encounter in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind the occasional teasing, but there are cases when the teasing goes a bit too far and begins to sort of sting. It's not because they are intentionally being mean, but rather that I'm a variable person and can be rather sensitive in certain subjects. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personal appearance for example being the biggest one I can think of, I already am well aware I look like a werewolf, and have done my best to mitigate the look with no success. When I've spent an hour that morning working on my appearance to avoid this, and someone pokes fun to try and get me to smile, I usually plaster a fake smile and join in, just taking the hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, I don't want to make them feel ashamed, and I have fun (most of the time) joking around with them and teasing each other. Some subjects are particularly hurtful to me personally though, hence the question. I don't want to lose the teasing dynamic I have with them, but if I bring up the subjects that are painful to me, they'll avoid it entirely and I might lose that bond I have with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell someone their teasing is hurting my feelings without being seen as too sensitive?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: This applies to family (extended like cousins etc.), and coworkers. Those that I choose as my friends know where I'm touchy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:36:30.157" LastActivityDate="2020-10-15T15:56:41.210" Title="How can I tell someone that their teasing is hurting my feelings?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;teasing&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4383" CreationDate="2017-09-21T16:27:57.460" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on location and age I think you are also likely somewhat dealing with &quot;an excuse&quot; to throw a party.  While they are likely wanting to throw &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; a party, people that age that &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; know are also wanting to throw parties in general.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you normally go to parties?  Do they have an impression that you enjoy parties in general?  If you do normally go to other people's events, you can opt to just roll with this and go to your own and leave early if it's too much to stay all evening.  You can intellectually just treat it like an &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; party you might attend.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; just say something like, &quot;I love that you are all excited to throw something for me, but this isn't the sort of thing I really enjoy.  Since it's intended to be sort of your gift to me for my birthday, I would really prefer that we do &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; instead&quot;, then insert what you actually want to do.  Perhaps you can do something that does involve everyone, like go to the park earlier in the day and play tag football or go canoeing or or or.  It's a little hard for me to throw out many more ideas as I don't know what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; enjoy, and I am not sure your location.  Where I am rivers are plentiful and many people do love to canoe and you can rent them very affordably, so I threw that out, but I am sure there must be something you enjoy that 12 people can do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can elicit the help of the &quot;small group&quot;  you do want to hang out with as well.  The people you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; close enough to that you want them on your &quot;short list&quot; &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; help assert that they are already planning something and then get the others to back off.  I have done this for others.  One of my closest friends is very shy and very conservative and was very very worried about the type of huge raunchy bachelorette party her cousin was planning for her (and rightly so, she was the maid of honor).  I agreed to throw her a tamer, smaller event and so we managed to talk her cousin into allowing me to be in charge of it.  To keep it how &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; wanted it, I had it in the daytime, and we invited a lot of her older female relatives that were more conservative to help set a tone she was more comfortable with.  The younger, wilder girls &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; disappointed and &lt;em&gt;tried&lt;/em&gt; to make it the way they wanted, but the party wasn't &lt;em&gt;for&lt;/em&gt; them and I would just refuse their attempts (on her behalf).  She was the &quot;guest of honor&quot; and what &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; enjoys should trump what the attendees enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do think you can be assertive, however, based on general culture in the USA and your age, I think you will have better luck being heard (without having to be overly aggressive) if you get others to back you that they already planned a small event catered to what you prefer best, which is something less grand and noisy and intense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T16:27:57.460" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4383" CreationDate="2017-09-21T16:31:19.703" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the bullet points you have look pretty good. I think if you use a lot of the 'I' language you have there they should be able to understand that its not that you don't like them its just that you don't want a party. Things like 'I feel uncomfortable having a party thrown for me', and 'I want to do something low key'. Also keep in mind that while this is a stressful thing for you (the prospect of having a large party thrown for you), they will most likely forget about this in a few weeks (if not faster). I think @threetimes is right in that they just want to throw a party for party's sake. Maybe you could suggest they start planning a Halloween party, or something not specific to you to shift their focus? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5349" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T16:31:19.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4386" CreationDate="2017-09-21T16:42:43.367" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is okay to say what you are too sensitive about.  If people like you, and it seems these people do, they understand and respect that.  They won't stop interactive in a playful way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sensitive about my weight.  I have some health issues historically that at times have caused me to be thinner than &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; like.  I do not like comments about it, even in joking.  People love to say things like when it's a very windy day to &quot;Oh someone grab threetimes before she blows away!&quot;  They do not mean for that to be hurtful, but I prefer &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to be reminded all the time that you are focusing on my weight.  &lt;em&gt;That&lt;/em&gt; is what &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; hear when people say that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I would tell them that. I would just be upfront.  Also be aware, for whatever it is worth, some people really like hair.  I do.  I will have to ask my husband now if I have at all bothered him with my comments.  I don't &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; so in our case (I think he would have said), but I married a very hairy man and it's one of the things I find very attractive about him.  So if &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; knew you, and commented about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; hair, I would mean it complimentary.  I would very much want to know though if something &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; said was making you self conscious and would never want to make someone I know feel that way.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do tell people I prefer they not comment on my weight and in my case, everyone generally respects that and they still tease me a ton on other things because those things are fine.  I also have the type of personality that really enjoys playful bantering like this, so I would be disappointed if it stopped entirely.  It doesn't seem to impact it at all.  Now my cheeky friends (when it's windy) will say something like blame the wind on me farting, versus using me as a kite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry forgot to offer you suggestions on wording...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I know you don't mean anything by it, but &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; feel a little self&#xA;  conscious sometimes about how hairy I am.  It's hard for me when that&#xA;  is part of the teasing as it reminds me how much &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; notice how&#xA;  hairy I am.  I love the banter and fun of this type of talking, but&#xA;  I'd really love if you picked something else about me to poke fun at. &#xA;  That one topic is something I am not yet totally comfortable with and&#xA;  it sort of ruins the mood for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T16:42:43.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4386" CreationDate="2017-09-21T16:44:24.763" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is what is making answering your question tricky: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some subjects are particularly hurtful to me personally though, hence&#xA;  the question. I don't want to lose the teasing dynamic I have with&#xA;  them, but if I bring up the subjects that are painful to me, they'll&#xA;  avoid it entirely&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You realize yourself that you can't ask people to tease you selectively. They seem to have found something that you are self-conscious about (?) and pick on you about it. And it's not like you can tell them,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, could you please not tease me about [appearance I mind] but it's&#xA;  fine teasing me about [other I don't mind]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do in this case, would be to say exactly what you told us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That you don't find [appearance joke] funny anymore. That it has actually started to hurt your feelings and that you have felt reluctant telling them all this time because you didn't want to miss on those times when joking, teasing, and being playful was fun. Let them suggest a solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a risk (&quot;they'll avoid it entirely&quot;) you might have to take if you want this to stop. Weigh it out. What is more important to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T16:49:36.907" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T16:49:36.907" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4391" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4386" CreationDate="2017-09-21T16:54:30.953" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some subjects are particularly hurtful to me personally&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be useful that you explain what is, and set a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safeword_(sports)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Safe Word&lt;/a&gt;. It's used to avoid that someone gets hurt. Therefore, in a certain way, it sets boundaries: &lt;em&gt;please stop before it hurts me&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would you do that? I would tell my friends / family:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You know, sometimes, when we talk about [ X ], it [ hurts me / makes me feel bad ]. I would really appreciate if you skip this subject. If you agree to this, to let you know, I'll say &lt;em&gt;[ Z ]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, tell them that the &lt;em&gt;magic word&lt;/em&gt; is &lt;em&gt;[ Z - whatever you choose ]&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used that when racing and teaching (with cars). Anytime I would go with a student / friend / policeman / firefighter and teach him something about the car, like driving on snow, ice, under heavy rain, and many dangerous situations, they were often quickly scared. When they said the &lt;em&gt;magic word&lt;/em&gt;, I would slow down, and let them breathe again :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't stop them before they tease, but maybe before it hurts too bad.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they care about you, they may take this seriously and understand it time to stop when you ask. They won't stop teasing when they feel like it, it won't cut out every subject, just stop before it's too late. Let them know where the cliff is, so they (hopefully) won't push you...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or just nicely set some clear boundaries about some subjects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T16:54:30.953" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T17:09:47.673" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;You asked for an &quot;insider's&quot; opinion, so, as a self-proclaimed feminist, I can give you one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being a feminist is not an indicator of whether or not a person will appreciate flowers, just as someone's skin color is not an indicator of whether or not a person will appreciate a slice of cake, or any other example you care to think of. The two are not related. There is no feminist credo that states &quot;never accept a gift of flowers, especially not from a man, as this is a disgrace to you &amp;amp; your gender&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you think this person will appreciate a gift of flowers, regardless of their ideologies? Go for it. Are you worried they will take offense? Opt for another gift. This strategy can be applied to any &amp;amp; all flavors of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4048" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T17:09:47.673" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4381" CreationDate="2017-09-21T17:45:39.080" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I'm from India as well. When I went through this in school, I went to my teachers and told them to move me from my desk to a different desk so I am far away from the friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell your teachers clearly that you are not able to pay attention and you don't want to lose your friendship with these classmates, but you'd rather not sit near them. If you have even a slightly decent rapport with your teachers, they'd be happy to hear that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My teachers, since I told them this, came into the classroom and the first thing they do, call my name out, and ask me to sit in the front desk. Away from all the people that are my friends. No one knew why I was being asked to do that and no one assumed it was because I went up to the teacher and told her to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also earns you a lot of beautiful brownie points from your teachers for showing that you actually care about the class and that you want to pay attention and get good grades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, in my opinion, is the cleanest way to rip this bandage off without hurting anyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how typical it is for the teacher to move students around in the classroom in other countries. But I do know that is very common in India. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T20:59:36.943" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T20:59:36.943" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4298" CreationDate="2017-09-21T18:23:47.100" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends how she asked it. If she sounded excited or happy, great. From here, I'll assume that this was the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, I get the impression that both of you enjoyed the date. Therefore, I would see the question &quot;Was this a date?&quot; as a good sign. And there might also be a too-good-to-be-true feeling at work at her side, and now she wants to know where you want to lead this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time this happens answer it with an affirmative, but friendly, &quot;Yes, this was a date&quot;. It might not be easy, but it is important to not come over as hurt or pissed. After all, the two of you just had a great time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of how she reacts, there will be clarity afterwards. If she agrees to let things proceed from there, great. If not, cut your losses, keep your head up and straight, and move on. After all, you just proved you are confident enough to clearly state your intentions to a girl instead of keeping them behind your back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put it into another perspective: If you say &quot;No, this was not a date&quot;, then there will be for sure no further date with that girl before the Big Rip happens. But if you say &quot;Yes, this was a date&quot;, in a friendly and confident way, then you open up to her and give her the chance to agree and let things progress. Don't worry: at this point, a woman with character will not make fun of you for honestly speaking your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6230" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T18:23:47.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T18:31:41.413" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It all depends on the &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;person&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and your &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;relationship&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Does she have flowers around her house? You could say &lt;em&gt;&quot;I could see you have flowers around, so I thought you might like some as a present&quot;&lt;/em&gt;; so nothing to do with gender or beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/W78mf.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/W78mf.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Image of different flowers put in flowerpots placed near a window&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you are asking this question tells me you may want to reconsider the gift and instead &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;find out what she likes&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Then you have &lt;em&gt;good reason&lt;/em&gt; to get a certain gift, be that flowers or a pack of playing cards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4916" LastEditorUserId="137" LastEditDate="2018-12-29T07:25:16.643" LastActivityDate="2018-12-29T07:25:16.643" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4386" CreationDate="2017-09-21T18:44:32.777" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's simple to me; &lt;em&gt;Don't fake smile&lt;/em&gt;. This will encourage the behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show your true feelings when it hurts and if they care about you, they will sense it and stop and maybe even apologise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4916" LastEditorUserId="4916" LastEditDate="2020-10-15T15:56:41.210" LastActivityDate="2020-10-15T15:56:41.210" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4398" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2776" CreationDate="2017-09-21T18:54:18.060" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The biggest problem is your encouragement to keep on track will quickly be felt like you are watching over her. The next problem is your idea of what a healthy diet is may be different to hers and so you may find yourself questioning her decisions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to pick up a few things from other answers, for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/06/when-a-calorie-is-not-just-a-calorie/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;A calorie is not just a calorie&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://bjsm.bmj.com/content/early/2015/05/07/bjsports-2015-094911&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;You cannot outrun a bad diet&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I think the best thing you could do is suggest she try a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.dietdoctor.com/how-to-lose-weight&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;low-carb high-fat (LCHF) diet&lt;/a&gt;, because these help people lose weight without hunger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3964" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T18:54:18.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T19:46:19.753" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are we over-thinking this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either you're overthinking it, or your host is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The strong feminists I know still appreciate gifts of flowers, especially on appropriate occasions like the one you described. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, you're going with your wife and offering thanks for hospitality with the presentation of the flowers, so the intention seems unlikely to be misinterpreted as a romantic advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T19:46:19.753" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4401" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4403" CreationDate="2017-09-21T19:47:52.737" Score="31" ViewCount="4064" Body="&lt;p&gt;My question is sort-of related to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2776/how-can-i-support-a-friend-with-healthy-weight-loss&quot;&gt;this one&lt;/a&gt; but has the roles reversed. I've been overweight for at least 10 years, and obese for approximately 6. Last February, I decided to better my life. I've bought a fitness tracker, started an eating-habits diary and spent a few months trying to figure out what I should change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I came to realize that I should move more, eat smaller portions and snack less (surprise!). I also realized that I tend to overeat a lot on social occasions and when I am bored, and that I am completely unable to turn down offers of food/snacks. After figuring out what I wanted to do, I informed friends, family, and co-workers that I was going on a diet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I specifically asked them to not offer me food anymore. For example, I have a co-worker that loves to share cookies on Fridays. I asked him to just skip me until I told him I was ready to get offered food again. Everybody reacted very nice and made a lot of promises of help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thing is, I've been at it for three months, and some people are letting their guard down. They have started offering me food more and more often. One of these people is my own mother (I still live at home). But also my grandma and my co-workers are forgetting my request a lot. So lately, I've been offered food that I don't need and don't want to eat about three times a day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm currently able to say no, but it still takes me a lot of effort. So that when I say no, it will usually take three seconds and a screwed up face, because I have to remind myself of my intentions. Sometimes, I snap and say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I'm on a diet and I asked you to help me, remember? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also explained that although my diet is going well, I am not ready yet for them to start offering me unhealthy foods at every turn. It is difficult enough as it is to stick to my new, healthy regimen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately, some people have started calling me tedious. They have compared me to the vegan person that always has to talk about being vegan. I don't want to be like that, but I'm also certainly not ready yet for everybody to start treating me 'normally' again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I verbally remind them of their promise to me/the fact that I'm still on a diet and don't want to be offered food that often, without sounding like a broken record?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T20:09:01.277" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T12:27:08.960" Title="Ask for support with weight loss, without sounding tedious" Tags="&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2017-09-21T20:09:32.110" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be blunt - I question what future this relationship has.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, a successful relationship &quot;for life&quot; will be one where you can simply spend time together, and if you want to spend some of that time playing computer games, your girlfriend will have to understand that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have reached a point where you both need to be clear about your own feelings. It seems that your girlfriend is at a point where she wants to spend all her time with you; but you are not at that point, because you are putting on a show for her every time you see her and you find it exhausting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the solution is very simple. Let her know that you aren't planning on doing anything special and will just be gaming, but that she is welcome to come over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she can't cope with you gaming while in her presence, or if you can't cope with her presence while you are gaming, the relationship will never be more than a casual thing, and you will both end up moving on and learning from it. You're both young.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I doubt you will find a girl out there that supports your desire to play games alone instead of spending time with her. So you need to be clear about your own priorities and what you are prepared to sacrifice for the sake of relationships in the long term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6238" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T20:09:32.110" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4401" CreationDate="2017-09-21T20:34:16.587" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;For starters, congratulations on committing to be healthier - it's a great gift to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dynamics between work and home are different so I'll answer them slightly differently. The bottom line is this is for your health so people suffering a modicum of repetitiveness on your part should count for less than your well being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;At work&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be firm and straightforward. To diffuse any complaints of being &amp;quot;tedious&amp;quot;, you can say something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for offering, but no thanks.  I hate to sound like a broken record, but I'm really trying to stay away from snacks and would appreciate if you don't offer me any - for now at least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is mildly self-deprecating (which is usually very disarming) and should help re-establish your earlier request of them.  It's reasonable for you to seek help from your peers and is actually asking them to do less so not a big ask.  Over time, you will gain more confidence and self control to say no, but for now it's fair game to ask your coworkers and friends to help you.  I'm sure most of them want you to be successful and are proud of you for starting to be healthy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;At home&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Home is another and more complicated issue.  Parent-child dynamics are often complicated.  In this case you may have to be much more direct and not as polite as you would be in public situations.  You may want to appeal to their love of you in getting help -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom/Grandma you know that I am trying to be healthier and have been doing really well.  It's hard for me to say no when you offer me food that isn't healthy for me to eat.  I'm sure you want me to be more healthy so I hope you will help me by remembering I don't want to be offered these foods.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say you are tedious, that's when you can drop some of the politeness and say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you rather me be tedious or unhealthy.  It's not easy for me to say 'no' to these things and all I ask is that you don't offer me foods I've already told you I am avoiding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the vegan analogy it really doesn't hold.  A vegan person is not annoying for refusing animal-based products - they can just say no - they likely have no interest in consuming those products.  They are annoying because instead of saying no thank you, they have to say they are a vegan over and over.  I'm sure it's annoying if you've told someone you are a vegan and they ask you to try their new BBQ wings recipe, but they can just say &amp;quot;no.&amp;quot;  You on the other hand are probably more tempted to eat those snacks, so beyond the small annoyance of having to repeat that you are trying to stay away from snacks, you are much more likely to falter a little when they ask so the stakes are higher.  Afterall how many vegans will end up eating a hamburger just because you offered them one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6236" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T20:50:08.813" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4404" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4401" CreationDate="2017-09-21T20:38:32.837" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can only speak from personal experience but I find that what helps is always having something I can eat on me. That way if someone offers me something I shouldn't eat I can tell them something like 'I'm good thanks, I already have something'. I've lost a little under 80lbs in the last 8 months and the first 3 were pretty rough (adjusting to eating good food I prepared myself, eating smaller portions and feeling like I was ALWAYS hungry) but after I managed to rest my appetite thermometer I haven't been hungry at all, and I can honestly say that I feel so good now, I don't even want 'bad' food (mostly because it reminds me of how bad I used to feel).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also take the approach that your not 'on' a diet, but that you've 'changed' your diet... If you tell people you will no longer be eating things like cookies, they might remember that more easily then that you won't be eating cookies for a fixed period of time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People tend to 'yo-yo diet' because people look at dieting as a temporary fix to loose weight, really it is better to look at this as more of a life style change, one that once you start feeling better and have more energy you will probably want to stick with indefinitely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also try to see if either a friend or co-worker (so you have office backup) is willing to join you on your weight-loss journey. Its a lot easier to do if you use the buddy system, that way you have someone you can share your little victories with, recipes with, and who you can turn to quickly when you need someone to tell you 'say no to the cookie!'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quick addition:&#xA;As for your mother/Grandmother perhaps you could come up with healthier alternatives to the foods they are cooking you and offer to prepare them with them. They would probably value the time they would get to spend cooking with you more than gifting you food. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5349" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T20:38:32.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T20:48:24.240" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, while most feminists will agree that feminism is somehow about women’s rights, there is no universal consensus as to what that means precisely. Some will be adamant that certain behaviors are discriminating against women, while others will contend that this is the case with the exact opposite behavior, and then there are some wo hold that anything a woman does out of her own free choosing is acceptable. And despite their opposing views, all three groups consider themselves feminists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence, there is no hard-and-fast rule as to whether is is OK to give a feminist flowers. It depends entirely on the person. Here are some points you might want to think about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What would you bring if you were going alone?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What would your wife bring if she were going alone?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For either of these scenarios, what would you/your wife bring if the host were male?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Of all the options you might come up with, which do you believe your host would appreciate? Does she like flowers (e.g. does she have a lot of flowers around the house)? If one of your other options is a bottle of wine, does she like wine? (Substitute wine with whatever other ideas you came up with.) Are there other gifts you know she would appreciate?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Who will hand whatever gift you’ve decided on to the host? That may make a huge difference.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you opt for the flowers, how about including a card with a quotation of a well-known feminist expressing her appreciation for flowers? (Inspired by Jon Hanna’s comment.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6240" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T20:48:24.240" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4401" CreationDate="2017-09-21T20:53:36.020" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My opinion is smaller portions is not as important as what you eat.  If your snack is carrots you are good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should never come off a diet.  Make a choice that you can commit to.  As you get to a healthy weight your body will have adjusted and you need a healthy diet to maintain. If you go on starvation diet and come off when you are done it will be an endless cycle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is don't tell them until you are ready for a cookie. Tell them a cookie is off my diet period. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not just the calories in a cookie but what it does to your metabolism to crave other / more bad food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in a heath study and they told me max fat of 20 grams a day and max alcohol of 12 oz but they did not want me to lose weight.  I told them no way I was not going to lose weight.  I called it the all I could chew diet.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make massive salads in front of family that look great and say in front of them how good it tastes and you enjoy this life style.  Don't complain about the diet.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Support can be within. I took it as challenge to make good low fat meals. I used to be as cook. There are not many options for low fat in restaurants and my problem was not getting enough calories as they had a standard portion size.  A lot of low fat works cold so you can pack a lunch.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for how to deal with co-workers?    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have made a life style choice and I hope you can respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T20:53:36.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4407" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4413" CreationDate="2017-09-21T21:05:16.027" Score="31" ViewCount="12627" Body="&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend smokes tobacco. (Once in a while, he might roll a joint. It helps him relax. I don't mind it because it's not on a daily basis).&#xA;Both my mother and his parents know about it. I actually worry more about the effects of tobacco. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes my mother visits us and there had been a couple of times, where he happened to do it in front of her knowing that she knows about it. My mom is a very discreet person and never said anything so far to indicate it had bothered her. I certainly thought it hadn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently though, and after watching some documentary &lt;strong&gt;about the effects of smoking in general&lt;/strong&gt;, she told me she doesn't feel as comfortable. &#xA;Boyfriend doesn't smoke right in her face and almost always asks if parents mind if visiting. His dad lets him smoke inside the house but my mom and his mom don't do that. Mom is concerned a lot and she wants to say something about it but she doesn't know how to approach it since it's not really her business whether he smokes or not.&#xA;I don't want her to say anything but I don't want her to stop visiting either. I told her that I'd rather she never came by the house again than saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I don't want this escalating. We are in our thirties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom has an increased concern about my boyfriend's health because of the smoking and the fact that I am a passive smoker, which is understandable.&#xA;People smoke. He is one of them. Do I particularly like that he smokes? NO. But I can't make him stop. I know my mom's concerns are valid and that she feels uncomfortable about it but she tends to be a bit stubborn about it and not wanting to drop the subject. (Not saying she's wrong but she tends to lecture me about it). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I address these concerns?  If I decide to tell my boyfriend about it, how can I tell him to minimize conflict? Is there anything my mom can say next time she visits that won't make things awkward and potentially cause a fight? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-23T19:40:12.233" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T00:05:22.967" Title="How do I address my mother's concerns about my boyfriend's smoking?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4386" CreationDate="2017-09-21T21:19:07.060" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree that if you decide to approach them head on with the issue, Tycho's Nose's answer is correct. There are steps you can take before that though if you don't want to risk losing the entire teasing dynamic (if I found out I'd been teasing a friend for A the last few months without realized I was hurting them, I'd be less likely to tease them for B).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, a person makes jokes/teases because it's funny. Not just for them, but for everyone involved. If your first goal is to avoid confrontation, your best bet is just to convince them that joke isn't funny anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a condition where I've got a pretty hefty divot in my chest. It's pretty weird looking, and for a while my friends teased me for it too. The best solution I had was to take the fun out of them teasing me for it. NOTE! That's not the same as just teasing them right back for something unrelated, that'll only make them think you're playing along. Instead, I did something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: [generic joke about chest]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Come on, can't you come up with ANYTHING else to tease me for?/Wow, I've never heard that one before/Some similar response&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea isn't to tell them to stop teasing you for one certain thing, it's to make it more fun to tease you for other things. Keep lauging and smiling along with the other jokes, and your friends will end up wanting to make those jokes more. After a while, the chest jokes became few and far between, until eventually they stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I liked about this is I never felt like I'd drawn lines with my friends about what was/wasn't ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T21:19:07.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4407" CreationDate="2017-09-21T21:32:10.487" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I told her that I'd rather she never came by the house again than saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*To clarify - have you already had an &quot;argument&quot; with your mother where you have effectively told her not to come over if she doesn't like your boyfriend smoking (tobacco or marijuana)? If so, you have already stepped across a very significant line in your relationship with her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe the answer is ultimately quite simple. &quot;My house, my rules&quot;. Your boyfriend should be able to smoke in his own home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However that simple answer will not make your mother happy. So it becomes a question of moderation and respect. It is &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; job to ask your boyfriend not to smoke in front of her. It is not a conversation your mother should expect to ever have with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boyfriend refuses to do this, that gives a pretty clear indication of his attitude to your mother. If your own preference is for him to stop smoking in front of her, and he still refuses, that gives a pretty clear indication of his attitude to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6238" LastEditorUserId="98" LastEditDate="2017-09-21T22:04:11.070" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T22:04:11.070" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4412" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4407" CreationDate="2017-09-21T22:04:06.040" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a couple things going on here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you are, and always will be, your mother's kid.  We parents, for bad or good, have spent almost all your life teaching you how to be a grown-up, looking out for you, and in general preventing catastrophe.  It's hard to move from being a participant to being a spectator in your life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Establishing boundaries with parents is hard.  With some it's harder than others.  Different cultures also have different senses of boundaries (ask an Indian what happens if they tell their parents &quot;no&quot;...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arguing only will put people in harder positions.  What is your relationship like?  is it normally open and communicative?  Or is it not?  If it's open and communicative, then generally a &quot;I love seeing you; in our house we do things this way.  I know it bothers you and I'm really sorry about that. That's a choice we've made and all I can ask is that it be respected&quot; or something along that line can work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, on the other hand, it's more about avoiding conflict, domination, or other less-healthy interactions, you have your work cut out for you.  You want the same result: someone respecting your home and not telling an adult how to live their life.  If that's the case, then I'd suggest removing the home from the occasion.  Meet somewhere where smoking is allowed (that used to be a restaurant, but...) and have a good time together.  Do this several times to get her used to seeing your boyfriend smoking there.  After she gets used to this, then consider a short visit together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, on the other hand, she lays on the &quot;mom guilt&quot;, then you both have a larger issue to deal with and smoking is only an indicator of it.  If that's the case, I'd recommend professional help for you to form a plan of action.  Dealing with manipulative (and that's what guilt is) people is challenging at best and at worst can erupt in conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, WRT the boyfriend: if you have a good relationship, tell him what's going on.  You'll have to choose a position (sorry), whether that's supporting one or the other or mediating.  Explain to him what's going on; he may be OK with smoking outside while Mom visits.  Either way, take the position of &quot;it's our house; I'm working with her to adjust to this&quot;.  Nothing gets rid of a boyfriend like feeling unsupported.  :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly: smoking weed.  Some professions mandate reporting of pot (or any drug) usage.  Given that it's illegal in the majority of states and federally (I'm avoiding judgement here; these are facts), she has more ground to stand on to be uncomfortable.  I'd suggest for the good of all relationships that you avoid drug usage around a non-partaking third party.  If worst comes to worst, that's a phone call to the cops with a known witness.  Nothing good can come from that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck&#xA;-BP&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T22:04:06.040" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4407" CreationDate="2017-09-21T22:08:48.493" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sure &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; on Stack Exchange doesn't know that I have a one-year-old. When I was pregnant, my husband and I went crazy trying to figure out how to explain to my dad and his partner that being in their home, inundated with cigarette smoke, was not something we were going to subject an infant to. We needed them to choose - smoke inside their home &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; get visits from their only child/grandchild. The health of my son was too much of a risk for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wasn't telling them they had to stop entirely. They can choose on their own whether to smoke or not, but when it affects me, my spouse and our son, I decided it was necessary to make a stand. We conveyed our wishes to them and, in the end, my dad stopped smoking entirely and my step-dad started smoking on the porch and we go to visit them from time to time. They've also started visiting &lt;em&gt;us&lt;/em&gt; more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom has the right to protect her own body from substances that she's not interested in breathing. Your mom also needs to respect that your boyfriend's choices are his own, whether she approves of them or not. Mutual respect is important for both parties to come to an agreement on this subject because a solution that meets all of your requirements will likely necessitate both parties make some concessions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is willing to limit her restriction to &quot;don't do it while I'm visiting&quot;, I think this is a reasonable thing for you to ask your boyfriend to comply with. Emphasis on &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;. You are dating him, living with him; she's your mother who you're worried will phrase things in ways that aren't very tactful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, sit down with your boyfriend before your mom visits the next time and explain your concerns about her issues with his smoking pot. Ask him to not do it while she's visiting to respect her wishes for not being around it. Let him know how important it is to you that she visit and that you will be upset if she can't come anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remind him that, while she's &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; family, when she's visiting, she's your guest and as host, it's necessary to respect reasonable requests from your guests, which this is. As you and he knows, smoking (especially pot) is something that makes many people uncomfortable; even if they're not concerned with the health issues, they may be concerned for legal reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, he will agree with you and will comply with your mother's wishes and that she will stop making an issue of it when she can't see it happening any more. If she moves the bar and starts asking you to get him to stop entirely, then you push back and explain why he smokes... many people smoke pot for medicinal reasons, perhaps you boyfriend is one of these?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="2012" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T14:33:58.630" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T14:33:58.630" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4407" CreationDate="2017-09-21T22:12:22.677" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would place this firmly in the category of an over reach. You're an adult, so I assume your boyfriend is too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mother is free to disagree with smoking for whatever reasons, but going into someone else's home and expecting to set a rule is expecting too much. If your boyfriend decides to be accommodating and smoke outside, that would be a nice, considerate thing to do, but he lives there, with you, and she does not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You two make the rules in your home, allowing your mother to start making rules will be setting a very dangerous precedent. If she's the sort of mother that is still trying to tell you how to live, when you're in your thirties, you're definitely on a slippery slope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that out of the way...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I address my mom not wanting my bf to smoke when she visits us? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mention it to your boyfriend. Let him decide if he wants to be accommodating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there anything my mom can say next time she visits that won't make things awkward and potentially cause a fight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This part is really broad... And it really depends on your boyfriend and if he wants to be accommodating. Is there anything she can say to convince him to quit? Probably not. Could she be incredibly sweet and ask him really nicely to take it outside? Possibly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T22:12:22.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-21T22:27:21.567" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a pretty active feminist, and I love it when people bring me flowers as a hosting gift. That said, I certainly know feminists on the more radical end of the spectrum who would take offense. As others have pointed out, feminists vary as much as any other group of people, so--assuming you would be as likely to bring flowers to a male or female host--your personal knowledge of her preferences is definitely your best guide here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're still concerned, I'd just casually ask if she'd have any objections to you bringing flowers... that will also cover you in case she or any household members have allergies. Most feminists I know would appreciate that you spent time thinking about it, whether or not they actually mind the flowers themselves. If she's the kind of feminist who would take serious offense to simply being asked then you would probably already know. You can also just let your wife hand them to her in case she does feel at all weird about being given flowers by a man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to say you're overthinking it because it's always great to think about these things--but you might be overstressing :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: One additional point I haven't seen people mention is that if you do bring it up with her (which honestly I think would be totally fine and probably the best move if you're still unsure of what to bring), I'd keep it casual unless she initiates a more intense conversation about the feminist implications of various hosting gifts herself--having those conversations can be a serious mental/emotional burden, and while many active feminists are committed to taking them on when they can, it's not that cool to force them to engage on it, especially in the context of something she's probably hoping to be fun and low-stress like a dinner party with friends. So I'd stick with something like  &quot;are you a fan of/any objections to flowers?&quot;, &quot;any preference between flowers and wine?&quot;, etc. rather than &quot;would you be offended by flowers?&quot; or &quot;do you feel like flowers are sexist?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thought: you said she blogs about feminism. Have you tried reading her blog at all or even searching it for any mention of flowers (small chance, but you never know)? That should help you gauge how extreme or moderate her views and capacity for getting offended might be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6245" LastEditorUserId="6245" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T15:20:09.270" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T15:20:09.270" CommentCount="11" CommunityOwnedDate="2017-09-22T14:15:46.040" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4298" CreationDate="2017-09-21T22:33:52.860" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer started as a response to this comment, but I realized it does in fact address the question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;By the time you have 3 one on ones when in the past it was group stuff she should figure it out.&quot; Well, that certainly does not work for me. The more I go out one-on-one with a person, the more I assume that we are 'just friends' if nobody ever mentions the word 'date'. Even if this involves a guy that I learned to know from doing 'group stuff'. – &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4298/how-to-clearly-communicate-that-youre-asking-someone-on-a-date#comment15446_4308&quot;&gt;Tinkeringbell yesterday&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been married to my best friend for 7 years.  We never &quot;dated.&quot;  We went out for walks together a few times but we never referred to them as &quot;dates&quot; until looking back, after we were engaged and then married.  (&quot;Yeah, I guess those were 'dates,' weren't they?&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What actually came to light finally was that we were both &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; interested in the other, but both preferred to maintain our very warm friendship rather than risk total rejection...at which point (when we realized that) we immediately got engaged and then married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So from &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; perspective, &lt;strong&gt;being overly specific about what is and is not &quot;dating&quot; is entirely detrimental.&lt;/strong&gt;  Just get to know the person better.  Spend more time with them.  Do things together that you like to do together, preferably real &quot;together&quot; activities that involve time to talk to each other openly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Traditional &quot;dates&quot; (i.e. &quot;dinner and a movie&quot; or whatever) don't have to play into a successful romantic relationship, &lt;em&gt;at all.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1919" LastActivityDate="2017-09-21T22:33:52.860" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4407" CreationDate="2017-09-21T23:12:13.600" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Preface&lt;/strong&gt;: I have never smoked tobacco in my life but I did smoke marijuana twice when I was in my 40s, just to see what the fuss was all about. I was fine. I didn't get hooked. :)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is your mother more concerned with tobacco smoke or with marijuana? Or does your boyfriend smoke both substances in her presence? This aspect is still unclear in your question, but I think the distinction is relevant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One can easily argue that smoking tobacco is more acceptable and is not in breach of any law. He is, therefore, free to do as he pleases in his own house. It is not polite behavior, in my opinion, but you have the law on your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, smoking marijuana in your mother's presence, to me, shows greater disrespect. Maybe because I am in my 50s, and old-fashioned, but I wouldn't like it. Some countries in southern Europe, permit adults to smoke marijuana legally, in the privacy of their home. Wikipedia has more information about the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legality_of_cannabis_by_country&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;legality of cannabis&lt;/a&gt; by country. Again, if your boyfriend is not breaking the law, he can argue that it is his home and he has the right to smoke pot where and when he wants to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a son who is 28 years old. He does not live with me, but when he comes to visit, once a week, we chat, we have dinner together, we watch something on the computer and generally we enjoy each other's company. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My son smokes. I do not know if he smokes marijuana, I hope he doesn't; however, I can tell he smokes cigarettes because his clothes carry that distinctive odor. &lt;strong&gt;When he visits me at home&lt;/strong&gt;, and he needs to smoke a cigarette he goes outside on the balcony. Each and every time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not need to tell him this.  I do not ask him to stop smoking because it is not my business, but he understands that I don't like my small flat to reek of smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Whenever I have visited my ex-husband&lt;/strong&gt;, a 40-a-day smoker, I refrain from asking him not to smoke in the same room. He cannot help himself, he is a chain-smoker and he is addicted. When we were married, I tried a million times, for a million good reasons, to convince him to stop smoking. He never did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot impose my lifestyle on him, but when I do visit I have asked him to wait until I leave before chainsmoking. He agrees. Reluctantly. He still smokes but at least he waits five minutes before lighting up a new cigarette. Baby steps, let's look on the positive side, I tell myself...   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If your boyfriend is mature, considerate and thoughtful, he will know better than to smoke in front of your mother when she comes to visit. It's a small price to pay, no one is asking or expecting him to stop smoking (tobacco or marijuana).&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T11:48:20.313" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T11:48:20.313" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4420" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4401" CreationDate="2017-09-22T02:09:33.107" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In case of your family it's difficult to make separate food for everyone, so they may have started to offer you food and forgot your request. If that's the case get involved in kitchen, this will remind them that you are determined on eating healthy without you &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;having to verbally remind them&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter your coworkers reasons for wanting to share food, you must set boundaries and feel guilt free.  From &lt;a href=&quot;http://theetiquettespot.com/coworkers-stop-offering-food&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;theetiquettespot.com&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;1.Let her know that you appreciate her offer.  There is no reason to burn bridges with your colleague.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  2.Take the blame.  Yes, state this as your restriction.  It is your choice for health or other reasons that you don’t want to eat her&#xA;  homemade flan.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  3.State how this makes you feel.  Feelings are personal, so you can state why you feel you can’t participate.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  4.Set boundaries. Let your colleague know what you will have to do if you can’t find a solution. After all this is for your best interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest problem with you is &lt;em&gt;all your family members and colleagues who are not on diet&lt;/em&gt;. It's really hard for them to understand how difficult is to change your eating habit and stick to that change. So that's the reason that they have forgotten your request of not offering food (unhealthy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sources: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-8-people-who-will-ruin-your-attempt-to-lose-weight_p2/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;cracked.com/blog&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.buzzfeed.com/sallytamarkin/actually-do-able-weight-loss?utm_term=.ip4edjZ07#.vwwPewVW2&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;buzzfeed&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5987" LastEditorUserId="5987" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T18:05:50.917" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T18:05:50.917" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4421" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4407" CreationDate="2017-09-22T03:18:36.967" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;This answer is framed along the lines of a brief dialogue exchange with the OP in the comments section of the question. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A clarification was requested from the OP: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;i&gt; Would you mind sharing what his take on smoking is if his parents were to visit you guys? &lt;/i&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OP's reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;i&gt; I don't think he's done it in front of them ever. &lt;/i&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It almost feels as though this is in complete contrast with the following remarks in the question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;i&gt; Both my mother and his parents know about it. [...] Sometimes my mother visits us and there are a few times where he happened to do it in front of her knowing that she knows about it. &lt;/i&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; Suggestion: &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he's &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; smoking, you could try and ask him politely if he does smoke before his parents (even though the answer is known beforehand). When he answers in negative, you could use this fact to ask / suggest / request him to not smoke before your Mom too (without even hinting that she's uncomfortable). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, this might be seen as a reasonable request, and appreciated in it's own right — just to keep the things &lt;em&gt;fair&lt;/em&gt; for the people involved, without being too intrusive or obtrusive with anyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T03:18:36.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4422" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4407" CreationDate="2017-09-22T03:27:36.217" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's two halves to this, the forceful side and the encouraging side.  The forceful side, which deals with the question of whether your mom can demand that your boyfriend stop smoking when she's around is the easy one to answer: no.  She's visiting you at &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; house.  You're the one who is living in your boyfriend's apartment without paying rent.  It's his house, and your mom should &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; have any reason to expect that she can demand he stop smoking in his own house.  The ownership situation is just too clear in this case to permit any other answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means your mother needs to be comfortable with the fact that her desire not to be smoked in front of may result in her simply not being invited to visit you guys, which brings in the other half of the story.  There's nothing here which prevents you from encouraging the boyfriend to &lt;em&gt;choose&lt;/em&gt; to not smoke in front of your mother.  Here's where you and your boyfriend have to work together.  How much do you want your mother to visit?  Mow much does your boyfriend want to smoke?  These desires can be balanced, if you take the time to talk about them.  If having your mother visit is a very important thing to you, hopefully you can convey that enough to encourage him to invite her over (without smoking in front of her) more often.  If he &lt;em&gt;strongly&lt;/em&gt; desires to smoke on a continuous basis, perhaps you should try to meet your mother somewhere else, without him.  Also, if he can't avoid smoking for a few hours to make you happy, consider that a sign of addiction which you should factor into your long-term life choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which brings me to the answer to some of your questions: talk to your boyfriend.  You're not risking conflict by doing so -- the conflict is already present.  Smoking is a big factor in one's life.  Knowing that your potential mother-in-law doesn't want to be smoked in front of is an important piece of information.  Make it clear that you are not demanding that he stop smoking, but that you'd like to talk the situation over and find the right answer.  Recognize that the right answer &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be that your mother doesn't visit.  You wont know the right answer until you take the time to discuss it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In theory this is a three person talk, involving you, your mother, and your boyfriend.  Three person talks reach delicate balances.  Fortunately, in this case you don't really need to involve your mother.  From what you describe about her behavior, she has already made her position very clear, so there's unlikely to be some subtle nuance that shows up in discussion.  That being said, if the solution you and your boyfriend come to is &quot;mother just doesn't visit,&quot; that might be a good time to approach your mother and see if she's interested in taking a more nuanced position.  It also might be a time to ponder whether the relationship should continue if it could lead to toxic family interactions.  Hopefully, however, you come to a more balanced answer than that.  There's usually a balance worth fighting for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T03:27:36.217" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3751" CreationDate="2017-09-22T06:01:48.840" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is important to avoid upsetting the busybody, because people who ask a lot of nosy questions also tend to be gossipy rumor-starters, so if you get on their bad side they might turn into a problem for you. What you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; is for them to think you are genuinely boring, and they will leave you alone as soon as they realize you are not a good source of the juicy information that they crave. I recommend neutralizing the busybody in two steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The initial deflection.&lt;/strong&gt; As you pointed out, being very direct (e.g., &quot;I'd rather not answer that&quot;) may come across as rude or suspicious. Jokes such as the ones you mentioned can be very effective for the initial deflection. Another less direct way to deflect a nosy question is to make a confused face and earnestly ask the busybody &quot;Hmm why do you ask?&quot; or &quot;Hmm why does that matter?&quot;. This will put them on their heels for a moment while they consider how to respond.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The derailment.&lt;/strong&gt; Abruptly change the topic to something mind numbingly boring (to them). Be careful to pretend like this is a completely genuine and spontaneous topic change, like it just popped into your head. If you are in a work environment, you can bring up some dry work-related topic or even ask them to help you with some work-related thing (e.g., &quot;OH, hey while you're here, could you help me make some photocopies???&quot;). If you are in a social context, then try to find some other topic that they find boring (e.g., college football, your adorable niece, the latest news from North Korea, or really anything you can ramble on about that bores them).  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do this a few times, usually the busybody will stop approaching you to ask nosy questions because every time they do, they get sucked into some boring task or conversation. It won't make them like you, but it won't make them hate you either- you will simply become useless to them, and they will leave you alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2630" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T06:01:48.840" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4425" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4430" CreationDate="2017-09-22T06:16:06.160" Score="85" ViewCount="24551" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently graduated college and I am now working as a programmer at a startup tech company for a year.  I'm a competent programmer, but I'm definitely not a rock-star.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm meeting other young adults or college students and I tell them what I do they often seem impressed and ask something like &quot;so you must be really smart?&quot; or &quot;is what you do really hard?&quot;  I feel like saying yes would make me seem arrogant, so I usually respond by saying I think I'm doing well enough.  This ends up being awkward and also undersells the actual work that I have done. &lt;strong&gt;So, how do I answer this honestly without being rude?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6258" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T12:08:59.060" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T18:45:08.373" Title="How do I respond when an acquaintance asks if I'm smart?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4426" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T06:25:30.420" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Been in similar situation a lot of times, I have come up with a couple of responses that always works fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, see if it sounds like a sarcasm or not. If yes, then the best option is here is to smile and change the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a compliment, say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to think so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I guess so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or simple,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am always curious and like learning things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last one would imply that you're smart without saying it directly. Always smile while replying, so they don't consider it rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T06:25:30.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4401" CreationDate="2017-09-22T06:43:13.650" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, I guess you should attribute 'you're boring' accusations as retribution to you snapping at those who offer you treats, they don't necessarily believe it. I don't blame you, changing your diet causes irritation at first or you just have expectations they can't meet. Just remember that as far as it's not THEIR issue, people tend to be forgetful of other's problems or everyday habits, sometimes even if you remind them from time to time. Maybe they forget that it is you who's on a diet - they have connected dieting to someone else from their circle. Or they may still feel obliged to offer you what they are offering to everyone else in the office, because that is what they believe is polite to do and they really don't know if there is an update and you just stopped dieting in the meantime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, whatever you do, don't snap at them again. A polite &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks a lot, but no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should do the trick, you don't even have to mention the diet. If you can't bear being offered food at all or you're not eager to have whatever they are offering even once in a great while, maybe you could make a very &lt;strong&gt;clear&lt;/strong&gt; and even &lt;strong&gt;humorous&lt;/strong&gt; sign and place it somewhere on your desk where it is visible. It's quite a way if you want to avoid verbal rejection and it is not at all boring. That is if you don't mind exposing that you're on a diet, but I understand that you already told your colleagues about it. Of course this depends on your work environment - it may be too serious to let you have such a sign. Where I work, many colleagues have signs with content such as &lt;code&gt;Headphones on means 'Do not disturb'&lt;/code&gt; or even drawings of their children. You could write:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Currently on a diet&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and add some relative icons in order to catch the eye of would-be offerers or even add a small text&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love the food you're offering me, just cannot accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;in order to gild the pill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as your mother is concerned...well things are a bit tricky. Mothers and grandparents tend to see you emaciated regardless of your weight :). They pay more attention to what and how much you eat instead of how much you weight (they always believe you are perfect anyway - and you may as well be, but also maybe just a little unhealthy). Grandparents in specific are very hard to reject, because they have the so-called 'Occupation Syndrome'- maybe they had a hard time in some part of their lives and want you to be well fed and this results to them being pushy. If your mother cooks for you, she wants you to admire her cooking skills and show it. That's why she may be frustrated and defensive when you don't eat the quantity you used to. So, in order to reassure her, you can compliment her for every meal she cooks, but when you finish say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This was amazing but I'm full.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your grandma offers you something, you can just say you already had something and you're full or you can take it and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will take it and eat it afterwards at home because I just ate and I'm full.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then don't eat it at all (well this needs strong will as well).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would personally advise you to work on your will power first and foremost. It helps not only with rejecting food offerings (well this sounded like you are a pagan deity, but I couldn't phrase it otherwise), but in dieting itself. If you can't stand not eating something you're being offered, you could probably bail in other occasions too - or maybe not, this is just what &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; think. Being disciplined no matter what is what makes people get to results sooner. Having this, you'll soon get used to healthy eating habits and you'll adore the new way of life. Good luck with whatever you'll do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T06:43:13.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4365" CreationDate="2017-09-22T06:44:08.773" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;'Still looking'&lt;/strong&gt; is the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/laconic&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;laconic&lt;/a&gt; reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is perfectly true and not necessarily humorous but can be funny if the person 'still looking' is very young or quite old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Still looking' is certainly designed to discourage further discussion, though some busybodies I know in this town will ask me &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; I am 'still looking' -- in which case I don't mind giving them the chance to 'counsel' me for upto half an hour if I have the time, marshalling a wide range of 'reasonable' reasons, to which I will reply with a wide range of equally 'reasonable' reasons, most of them insincere, but I absolutely dislike such well-intentioned interference and will be sure to avoid the topic with that person in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One cousin of mine used to deflect such a Q by frivolously saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am moving to USA shortly and want to save $1000 and 300KG on luggage (where 65KG = weight of spouse, 235KG = weight of her luggage: as in, we Indians take &lt;em&gt;a lot of things&lt;/em&gt; when we go away to USA; and $1000 is apparently the cost saved)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but Irony had the last laugh when &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3636/how-can-my-cousin-restore-harmony-between-his-indian-mother-and-american-mother&quot;&gt;he actually ended up moving to USA&lt;/a&gt; and actually saved on that luggage by marrying an American (non-Asian origin) woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternative humorous (but irrelevant) reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will get married after my role-model, India's biggest box-office star gets married&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will follow the example of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bollywood&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Bollywood's&lt;/a&gt; most eligible bachelor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T09:34:08.167" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T07:06:06.283" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;How about a variation on the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Smart enough to have X, not smart enough to have Y&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Smart enough to have a degree, not smart enough to have a PhD.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps say it with a slight smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="30" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T07:06:06.283" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T07:19:59.050" Score="146" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am Indian and it's considered good etiquette here to receive a compliment with &lt;strong&gt;indirect modesty.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I have tended to focus on the specific requirements or challenges of the job rather than my own qualities like smartness, when somebody asks such a question. Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: &quot;So you must be really smart?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: &quot;Oh this job requires a lot of concentration, application and &lt;strong&gt;patience&lt;/strong&gt;. Also involves long hours of hard work but I like it!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note how smartness is not mentioned in that response. So if the other person meant it as a compliment [more likely] then it has been modestly and tacitly accepted; and in the rare case that the person actually meant it as a sarcasm, it has been deservingly ignored with a perfectly serious reply!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T13:01:34.613" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T13:01:34.613" CommentCount="21" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4238" CreationDate="2017-09-22T07:37:27.907" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should have made your son to apologize him had the guy been alone on the table at the restaurant. Because apology in public for the mistake in private would have made aware other people about the incident of calling him fat which could make him embarrassed more. Even if you wanted to make your son apologize, it should have been done in private. Also, your son could have apologized in public had he called him fat publicly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make apology in private for the mistakes committed in private.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make apology in public for the mistakes committed in public. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5981" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T07:37:27.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T07:43:55.037" Score="49" Body="&lt;p&gt;These are rather loaded question. The one about being smart, because &quot;smart&quot; is an incredibly vague and broad term that means lots of things to lots of people, and the one about whether what you do is hard, because how difficult something is depends on who is doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is also why answering them with &quot;yes&quot; feels rude; considering yourself smart is very broad and saying what you do is hard usually sounds like a judgement of the person who asks (unless what you do is really hard &lt;em&gt;to you&lt;/em&gt;, in which case you're essentially saying you're in over your head.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My response is usually along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm good at what I do. I enjoy [my work], and I've practiced it a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is quite honest, but also puts it into perspective. It's not that I'm &quot;smart&quot; or that the work I do is &quot;hard&quot;, it's just that I picked a task that I'm well suited for due to my training, experience and inherent enjoyment of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially to young adults and students, reiterating that it's not about &quot;being smart&quot;, but rather about practice and experience and also that it's only &quot;hard&quot; because you need to put in more time will be valuable advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T07:43:55.037" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T07:51:21.180" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Quite a usual occurrence. You can start with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well I'm honored/flattered/complimented you think this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then proceed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Everyone can become skillful to what they like most if they really want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which is actually quite true. Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well it requires algorithmic thinking, but I don't know if that makes me special or smart. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And make them comment on if they think algorithms are easy or not. If they think they are not, just tell them thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T07:51:21.180" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4435" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4407" CreationDate="2017-09-22T07:51:40.327" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are three people in this situation; yourself, your mother and your partner. The conflict is about how your mother feels about your partner smoking in her presence. The trigger was your mother saying something about how she feels, and it has escalated with you telling your mother that she should choose between visiting and stating her opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone has a couple of choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Demand that your partner doesn't smoke in your mother's presence. You will risk your relationship with your partner, but strengthen your relationship with your mother.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask your partner not to smoke in your mother's presence, and explain why. You might get a concession from your partner, and your mother can keep visiting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask your mother to not complain while visiting and explain why. You might get a concession from your mother, and she can keep visiting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Demand your mother choose between not complaining when visiting or not visiting. You will risk your relationship with your mother, but possibly strengthen your relationship with your partner.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mother can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not visit. She will lose contact with you, but will not risk her health&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Visit and complain. She will deteriorate her relationship with you and your partner, keep risking her health, but will keep some contact.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Visit and not complain. She will risk her health, but will keep contact.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your partner can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give up smoking all together, and find other mechanisms to relax. It will be  quite difficult, but may be better for his health in the long run. It will strengthen his relationship with you (because you don't like him smoking) and your mother. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make a concession and smoke outside while your mother is visiting. It will be an inconvenience for him, but will strengthen his relationship with yourself and possibly with your mother.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not make a concession and stand his ground. He will keep his freedom but might cause a rift between you and your mother which risks his relationship with both of you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that the choices which have the best benefit/cost ratio are for your mother to keep visiting but not complain, for yourself to ask your partner kindly to not smoke in your mother's presence and for your partner to make a concession.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it's rare that two persons always have the same desires and goals, long term relationships require compromise. You are already making a compromise by accepting that your partner smokes even though you do not like it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your partner puts his convenience ahead of your feelings and your relationships with other people by not being willing to take a couple of steps to smoke outside on those rare occasions your family members are visiting, he's giving you a signal on his ability to compromise — in other words, to be your &lt;em&gt;partner&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You then again have a choice of trying to influence a change in him or giving up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6263" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T07:51:40.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4401" CreationDate="2017-09-22T09:02:19.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a bit of a baker and sharer myself, I've been in the position of the people you're dealing with.  If we've talked about it in the past and I absent-mindedly offer something to you, please do remind me.  I'll apologise and try to remember. This is one of those times when a slightly snappy response is very forgivable, especially if it's in contrast to your normal behaviour.  As you've found, most people will be on your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is tricky sometimes: The instinct to not leave you out of the social aspect of offering to share can have a significant effect, especially if not everyone present knows everyone else (&quot;How come @ChrisH didn't offer @TinkeringBell a cookie but offered one to everyone else?&quot;, people might think).  You can help with this as well, by preemptively saying &quot;not for me, thanks&quot; before you're directly offered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Family is much harder.  It wouldn't surprise me if there was some sort of evolutionary reason for (grand)parents to feed up their (grand)children.  If it's a planned visit, then a gentle reminder when making plans wouldn't go amiss.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1866" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T09:02:19.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T09:11:44.857" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a young adult that works as a programmer as well and when anybody asks me that question I usually reply with something akin to this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It isn't about being really smart, more about an analytical and logical way of thinking and applying that to problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it is the truth, I don't consider myself to be a genius, or really smart. In fact, I suck at memorising things for a long duration or in a high volume. But I don't consider myself stupid either, I'd put myself in the middle ground, where most people are I think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But to many people, computers are still very mysterious machines that work or don't work depending on fate, even more so for those that make the stuff that works on them. I found that they default to thinking you are really smart just because you work with computers. (probably also the main reason why they default to thinking we are all computer technicians as well.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, it can also be about how you tell people about your job. Do you say 'I am a software engineer' or 'I am a programmer'. Both are technically correct but I found that engineer has a heavy weight to it and makes people assume you are smart and are an actual engineer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-09-23T07:16:49.557" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T07:16:49.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T09:19:39.087" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not sure how much stock I place in IQ tests, etc, but overall I test decently high.  I am also an avid reader and I like learning, so I tend to read things I can learn from.  As such I get told regularly in my real life things of this nature but definitely not computer related.  That is not one of my areas of interest, in part it's laziness.  My husband has been with me since computers were dial up and he works in IT, so I haven't ever really &lt;em&gt;needed&lt;/em&gt; to know anything.  That said, I know a lot on a lot of different subjects,  have gone to university 3 different times (every time a totally different field) and trade school once and I will continue to add to it as I can.  SE has been a wonderful breath of fresh air with all the well read and informative people as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is absolutely awkward at times having people comment on certain things.  Knowledge can be one of those for sure.  I tend to respond with things like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do know a lot,  but I also have invested a tremendous amount of time&#xA;  in reading and researching and education, so it's mostly the &lt;em&gt;work&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;  you put into it.  If you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to do what I do, I am sure you could with enough interest and application.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because this is truth.  I might be intelligent, which helps me make connections between ideas that are congruent, or sometimes to be able to transfer application from one area to another, that someone else might miss.  However, most of what I do know, most people &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; know, if they were interested enough to go looking.  Most people won't go back to school, again, and try something totally new.  It's just not how most operate.  I enjoy it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do know in daily life, I have excellent problem solving skills.  I am also pretty good at critical thinking.  I also happen to think these things &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; (and likely should) be taught.  I also know I am blessed with the sort of personality that isn't easily deterred and seeks challenges.  I want to see what I am capable of.  I think of it as intellectual optimism.  I am not optimistic in general.  I am likely to think it will rain on the day I plan an outdoor party, or have a tornado when we are on vacation, but when it comes to &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; and what &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; can handle, I am eternally optimistic, even when it seems I have no logical reason to be.  I have failed 100+ times, but that isn't even a problem.  Sometimes my failures have given the best lessons, so I oddly don't mind those either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And not that it matters, but I really &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have weather pessimism.  I have the worst luck ever with weather at important times.  I am also pessimistic in other areas, but weather is a constant one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T09:19:39.087" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4401" CreationDate="2017-09-22T09:24:45.400" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4403&quot;&gt;answer of Bryan&lt;/a&gt; is proper. I just want to add a couple of comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Home&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometime behind the food offer there is a need to give love, attention, to be useful (or just to feel ourself), to be &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; useful, and so on (It's sounds a bit &lt;em&gt;pop psychology&lt;/em&gt; I know)...&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You can try to use these keys with something as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know my effort to lose weight, please help me preparing me some carrots, fruits...&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;[or whatever your diet allows you]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Work&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Behind the food offering/sharing here there can be different mechanisms.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Among the others the opportunity to band together, the attempt to release the tension, a neutral ground where to relate with co-workers...&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;It can be even hidden the attempt of an introvert person to create a personal link with you (of whatever kind).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can even try to bring from home your healthy snacks and offer them to the co-worker (carrots have to be eaten not oxidised, but you can find something).&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;An alternative may be to include the Friday meetings in your diet plan, and take part in organization of the Friday meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Conclusion&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Congratulations on committing to be healthier you used some years to take weight you will need some time to lose too, you may benefit of the help of the others but the most important person that can help is you, and you are on the right path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6271" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T09:24:45.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4441" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="214" CreationDate="2017-09-22T10:11:52.363" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way I have found to deal with this in a casual way is to say 'sorry I can't make it tonight, - but how about we catch up on the weekend?' Or '- but I'm looking forward to [whatever activity you already have planned together]'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you have created a boundary for yourself for their current request but have reassured them that it has nothing to do with them personally because you are looking forward to future plans with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also handy if you are uncomfortable doing things with people without much notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6274" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T10:11:52.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4443" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4478" CreationDate="2017-09-22T10:36:39.073" Score="4" ViewCount="3083" Body="&lt;p&gt;Working in an average university, it's pretty common to get flattering comments from students (who more often than not pass it just to please the teacher), but recently I am facing a new problem of flattering comments from colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Examples&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would give some real examples to give you an idea:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is one colleague who is pretty close like a friend - the first time I heard some flattering comment, I tried to pretend as if I didn't notice/hear but despite my best tries (even trying to tell him politely that I daily see myself in mirror and there is nothing which you saw) comments like, &quot;&lt;em&gt;you look handsome&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, &quot;&lt;em&gt;looking a hero today&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, &quot;&lt;em&gt;you get a lot of looks&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, etc. keep on coming.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is another colleague who isn't close like a friend but he often passes through and passes a comment like &quot;&lt;em&gt;Programming Guru is here&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and I have politely told him a number of times (last time in detail) that I am not a good programmer at all. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I have tried so far&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried both approaches &quot;Pretend as if nothing happened&quot; and politely asking them the reason behind what did they find in me to name me as &quot;&lt;em&gt;Programming Guru&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, etc. (Should I show them &lt;a href=&quot;https://stackoverflow.com/users/1698143/talha-irfan&quot;&gt;my StackOverflow profile&lt;/a&gt; as evidence?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Why I don't want these comments&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe they are honest but 1-) If I said, I don't like it, then it must be respected. 2-) I know myself and I find very embarrassed by this advanced way of pinching. Whenever I hear someone being over-polite or some flattering comments, it gives me huge nightmares as I know myself from inside. I thought about trying @TinkeringBell's &quot;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3475/how-to-respond-to-when-are-you-getting-married/3480#3480&quot;&gt;bore them out&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; approach but it's not working either as I feel pretty insecure by these comments and want bit rapid response (without losing a friend/colleague).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T17:36:28.460" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T15:22:23.087" Title="How to politely repel a flattering comment" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4401" CreationDate="2017-09-22T10:42:16.933" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My dad has a really effective way of refusing any sweets/snacks/weird food that he is offered. He makes really surprised face and say something like &quot;&lt;em&gt;oh, thanks, but that look sugary&lt;/em&gt;&quot; in the sort of way as he was saying &quot;&lt;em&gt;why on earth are you offering me this green, slimy alien's food?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anyone seems weird or tedious after such refusal it is the person who offered. I would also consider if it is worth mentioning diet and the fact this is temporary. Some people might not believe in diets or assume yours have finished. If you treat it instead as permanent life change the close people might be more motivated to take note.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This bit is a bit off the main question, but to back up this suggestion a bit: according to my research it takes the body about 7 years before it fully gets used to the new weight, so going back to your previous habits before that might end up in the unwanted weight coming back (source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ted.com/talks/sandra_aamodt_why_dieting_doesn_t_usually_work&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;why dieting doesn't_usuall work&lt;/a&gt;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work one of my colleagues each time after someone takes in sweets asks &quot;&lt;em&gt;where's the fruit for me?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. I think everyone knows by now he would not eat any sweets. &#xA;Btw. both my dad and the colleague are slim and not on a diet... so you surely don't need an excuse for treating your body well and setting good example for others :). Good luck!    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5302" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T10:55:28.270" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T10:55:28.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4298" CreationDate="2017-09-22T11:04:48.063" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, you couldn't avoid that surprise. So don't worry about it and set another date/meeting/rendez-vous/WHATEVER. If she accepts, that's good enough, just make sure to move forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the answers using &quot;date&quot; as a magic incantation to synchronize people's minds don't work. You already spent the whole evening explicitly with that one person; will uttering the word mean that you consider this a new beginning, like &quot;wow, we went on a date&quot;? Or is it a synonym of &quot;meeting&quot;, like &quot;bah, it was just a date&quot;? And then, will the other person get the same meaning from the word? No, probably not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What works, in my experience, is to keep moving towards what you want while communicating. No need to specially &lt;em&gt;signal&lt;/em&gt; your intentions, but don't &lt;em&gt;hide&lt;/em&gt; them either. Do you like her? Show it, don't act as &quot;just a friend&quot;. &lt;em&gt;Sometimes&lt;/em&gt; facts speak louder than words; sometimes some people also do need words. Use both, and also react to both. Particularly taking into account how weird and awkward and insecure and wanting we all are in this kind of situation. Communicate in every way you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The concrete cases I have in mind is that I have met both a woman who seemed to take businessy-meetings as dates, and a woman who explicitly said after a-series-of-meetings-including-sex that we were not even good friends. I am 100% sure that the &quot;date&quot; incantation wouldn't have helped in any of those - nor any other incantation, in fact. You just have to deal with the situation, for good and for bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if communication doesn't really happen no matter what you try, then just stop trying and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just in case: my experience is in 3 European countries (Western and Central). No big difference across them, I'd say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6278" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T11:04:48.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4443" CreationDate="2017-09-22T12:10:13.323" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't tell them directly, but make them feel that you don't like flattery using your gesture and posture. Like if they flatter you again interrupt them before they complete their statement and start talking to others while ignoring them. Don't let them finish their flattering statement, ignore them and start talking to others nearby, changing the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6288" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T12:45:02.963" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T12:45:02.963" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4386" CreationDate="2017-09-22T12:19:37.593" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, in a one-on-one situation with them, I would tell them &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'hey, I would appreciate it if you didn't bag on my appearance.  It&#xA;  makes me uncomfortable.  Other stuff is still on the table, I'm just&#xA;  sensitive about that.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're a jerk and honestly want to disturb you, it won't help and will probably just add fuel to the fire.  But, if they're a regular person they will likely apologize for not knowing (although there is no way they could, so really no apology is necessary) and cease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is another component to this.  You seem to have simply accepted that your being sensitive to these comments is inevitable.  It is not.  Emotional responses are trained responses.  Often they are not trained intentionally or anything like that, but they are conditioned, and they are malleable.  If you wish to not be sensitive to such barbs, you can become insensitive to them over time primarily by doing what you are already doing, resisting the reflexive response and smiling instead (smiling makes you less capable of feeling negative emotions) but also internally intellectually calming yourself and regarding the response as unwanted.  It's not often fast or easy, but this is how personal growth occurs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6291" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T12:32:33.383" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T12:32:33.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4451" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-22T12:22:09.067" Score="34" ViewCount="12706" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have 3 fellow tenants in the same building where I live.&#xA;Every Monday evening, the refuse bins must be put out in the street so that the next morning the company could collect the garbage and empty the refuse bins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've noticed that no one, except me, is doing the job of putting the refuse bins out in the street. I don't think it's fair since all of us are living in the same building and the garbage in the bins is of all of us.&#xA;It seems that they really don't care how the refuse bins have gotten empty and there's someone putting them out in the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been three days away from home and, getting back, I found that the refuse bins haven't been put out in the street and they're full. So they don't really care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to tell them that their behaviour is not fair, because I am not the caretaker of the building, and I wish they'd contribute more on this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to sound harsh to them (&quot;You're not doing anything here&quot;, &quot;Why don't you put the bins out in the street? I am doing this all the time!&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell them that I noticed this unfair behaviour and I'd like them to contribute more?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6290" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T20:41:23.333" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T06:03:46.987" Title="How can I politely tell my fellow tenants that I am not the caretaker?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4443" CreationDate="2017-09-22T12:34:16.610" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that you're being too indirect. I don't know how well this advice will apply in Pakistan, but I am assuming that it's trans-cultural enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The standard way to deflect a compliment in the U.S. is to negate it (&quot;No, you're too kind&quot; or something similar). Many people ignore compliments as well, but that doesn't express to the person giving the compliment that you would prefer they not do so and can be interpreted (here) as being somewhat rude. Negating allows you to address the compliment in conversation without accepting it at face value (which can be viewed as arrogant) or offending the person complimenting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to find out why someone made a compliment (as with the &quot;programming guru&quot; comment) might be interesting but doesn't seem practical. If your goal is to not receive such compliments it doesn't really matter if they are sincere, awkward praise, small talk, or anything else. Additionally, investigating this doesn't convey to the other person that you would prefer not to receive such a compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for how to stop the compliments from coming, this is yet another case where I think that being direct is really the only option. Indirect measures, like silently ignoring a comment and hoping that the other person deciphers your silence and interprets it correctly, are difficult because you are not really expressing what you want in a way that others can be expected to interpret correctly, and so they don't really have the opportunity to behave in the way that would make you most comfortable. So what I would do is respond by saying something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm flattered that you think so much of me as a programmer, but calling me a 'programming guru' is too much. It actually makes me a bit uncomfortable because that title is so grand.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also include a specific request that they not use that term, or offer an alternative, or any number of other things. But the key is that you: deflect the comment (acknowledge the sincerity, assumed or otherwise, of the speaker without accepting the compliment at face value), and clearly express to the other person that the compliments make you uncomfortable (without making it &quot;their fault&quot; that their nice gesture happened to make you feel uncomfortable).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T12:34:16.610" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4401" CreationDate="2017-09-22T12:48:09.543" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In the end it's all going to be about how strong and determined you are, whether people help you or not.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's interesting how sometimes people work against one's goals without realizing they are doing it. I made the decision to stop eating sugar.  My friends still offer me sodas when they know I don't drink. You'd think they would give up after me saying no every time. But no. They haven't. And so I constantly have to say &quot;No, thanks&quot;. &quot;I don't drink Coke, thanks&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My own mother, who had insisted I quit eating sugar,  has suggested we had ice cream many times. Does this even make sense? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple I know, the husband is overweight and was fighting with his wife about how he felt she doesn't support him enough. When I asked him how he would like her to help him, he told me &quot;She shouldn't be buying all this junk food&quot;. He just wished that stuff was not in the kitchen. The wife yelled at him, &quot;Why should I stop eating what I want because you want to go on a diet&quot;? &quot;Just don't eat what I eat&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish this was that simple. IF I were her, I would make a compromise to help my husband or whoever needed my help get healthier. I would work with him. She didn't. He has given up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People don't have an obligation to remember that we want to limit certain foods or we are on a diet, in order to accommodate us. Sometimes they will and sometimes they won't. As time goes by this is going to get harder. &#xA;It's like the story with Odysseus, the sailors and the Sirens. And you are going to have to &quot;put beeswax in your ears.&quot; And you're going to have to keep it there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This might turn into a race about who is going to give in or give up first.&lt;/strong&gt; And you don't want that person to be you. This is especially the case with family. And it's OK to get angry sometimes with family and say what you said in your question. You will be repeating yourself over and over again until, hopefully, they drop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have asked for your friends' and coworkers' help. Just remind them politely every once in a while. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is pretty much going to be rinse and repeat with everyone. Stay strong. You're on the right path! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T17:31:49.947" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T17:31:49.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-22T12:53:45.463" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You could propose having a building committee&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The residents in your building could meet once a month (or even less often than that) to discuss various problems they've noticed, or things they'd like to change. In this kind of setting it wouldn't at all be rude for you to remind them to take the bins out, or, to be more organized, for each apartment to take turns in doing so. So if the garbage isn't taken on Tuesday the building knows exactly which apartment didn't take it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even after the problem is gone the committee could meet up to plan building activities or get to know each other more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T13:18:56.120" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T13:18:56.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-22T13:03:55.353" Score="65" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Well, just stop doing it.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Had the same problem when I was living in Hungary with 5 other girls. Don't wanna blame them, I think they just hadn't noticed at the time and since somebody was already taking care of it well, why bother? I beared the full and smelling bin for 10 days and after that, they realized, and we were 2 or 3 switching for getting them out then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T13:03:55.353" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4443" CreationDate="2017-09-22T13:17:46.127" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've never been good at accepting compliments/flattery either. I often thought them confusing, not really understanding why people would get it in their head to compliment me. After all, there were a lot more people in the world that were better looking/ more skilled. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(even trying to tell him politely that I daily see myself in mirror and there is nothing which you saw) comments like, &quot;you look handsome&quot;, &quot;looking a hero today&quot;, &quot;you get a lot of looks&quot;, etc. keep on coming.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have supermodel looks either. So these comments used to confuse me a lot. Until I figured out that if somebody tells me I look nice today, they are probably complimenting the effort I put into my clothing, hair or makeup that day. They might even be seeing that I spent a few minutes in the sun and have a nice color on my face (not as pale as usually). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I know myself and I find very embarrassed by this advanced way of pinching.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll start with point 2, since this is the easiest: It's okay to feel uncomfortable when getting a compliment. Blush, smile, say thank you and move on. People most likely will find your reaction 'cute' (at least, that what I'm often told). There is nothing wrong with showing that you are a humble person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, it might be exactly this reaction that has your co-workers complimenting you. Only then, they are doing it to tease you. Teasing a person sometimes is okay, teasing you so much it borders on bullying is not. Have you tried a firm &quot;Stop teasing me?&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If I said, I don't like it, then it must be respected.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, so have clearly stated &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Stop teasing, I don't like it&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. Mentioning the word 'teasing' is important in my opinion since it conveys clearly how you think about your co-workers and their endless stream of compliments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could mention that their behavior feels more like they are bullying you since the high frequency and ridiculousness of some of their compliments make you think that they aren't serious at all. You could even threaten to take this to a higher authority (manager/boss) if they keep it up: you asked them to stop, they didn't so now it has grown into bullying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you can't really get people to stop offering you compliments. I think this might reduce the frequency of how often you get them: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You also said this yesterday/ You have already stated this thrice this week. Please, if you want to compliment me, do it sparsely. I can't really take you seriously if you make the same compliment so often. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might work especially well if those people are just trying to make compliments/flatter you because they want something from you/ want you to hold them in high esteem. They want you to think well of them, so they are most likely to adhere to your wishes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, unless you are very sure that they compliments are made &lt;em&gt;because they know that it causes you discomfort&lt;/em&gt;, there is really not much you can do other than saying a quick 'Thank you' and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T13:17:46.127" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4459" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T13:29:23.867" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the important things is to be you. I think you have all the right elements right there in your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Q:&lt;/strong&gt; Wow, you're a programmer at X? You must be really smart!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;A:&lt;/strong&gt; Thanks! Hey, I'm no rock-star, but X seems happy enough with my work&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you've got a thank you. You've got an honest response in your own words. And you've got pretty much the right mix of humility and acceptance of the compliment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well done! Give yourself an up-vote!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6297" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T13:29:23.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-22T13:48:44.790" Score="48" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll rephrase the problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You take out the trash&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are (rightfully) pissed that the others don't do it, and don't even thank you for it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a common situation with roommates: the one with the least tolerance to a pile of dirty moldy dishes in the sink ends up to be the others' personal dishwasher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However... a group of people will not tend to self-organize to fix a problem when it involves work (like putting out the trash) that someone seems willing to do for them (ie, you). They will probably conveniently ignore that you do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do they even know you do it? Maybe they think the landlord is paying someone...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it falls upon you to organize things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're your neighbors. You're gonna have to live in their vicinity for a while. Unless they're complete assholes, why not try to handle it the friendly way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest having a meeting in front of the place where the trash bins are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't whine. Yes, you have reasons to be a bit resentful, but it will not help to let it show. People are more willing to help someone nice that someone who sounds angry and is barking on them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, try to sound like &quot;okay, I've been doing it, no big deal, but I'd really appreciate some help.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've been three days away from home and, getting back, I found that the refuse bins haven't been put out in the street and they're full. So they don't really care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Since there was no organization, I guess everyone assumed someone else would take out the trash this day, and the result is this huge smelly heap.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(note: the sentence above doesn't dish out blame on anyone personally)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next I suggest pinning a large sheet of paper on the wall with a spreadsheet on it, left column should be dates, and right column should be empty boxes where whoever will put out the trash that day will write their name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're a nice guy, so you put your name in first for next week, then offer the pencil to the crowd and smile...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the added benefit that everyone knows who is supposed to take out the trash, so when they don't, everyone knows whose fault it was, and it isn't you...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can end the meeting by suggesting that it's a bit silly that the first time you got together with your neighbors is to talk about trash, why not have dinner some other day to get to know each other?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T20:43:01.440" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T20:43:01.440" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4386" CreationDate="2017-09-22T13:49:11.237" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been the subject, both of teasing and of bullying, and in my experience, the difference between both is the &quot;victim&quot;: people might think they are teasing you but you feel it as bullying. In such a case it's entirely up to you to react: you just say &quot;Stop, I don't like that.&quot; (the way you say and pronounce this sentence is entirely up to you)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will trigger following reactions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The person who is teasing/bullying you will know from that moment on that you don't like it, so his/her reaction will show very clearly whether or not (s)he likes/respects you or not: if (s)he continues, there is no respect, else there is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People around might be triggered: &quot;Hey, the victim is stating clearly that (s)he doesn't like it, so from now on the teaser/bullyer must stop, or (as I don't like people being bullied) I might intervene and defend the victim.&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This second point might be surprising for some people, but it is the way I've always reacted: first the victim must make clear that (s)he doesn't like it (or I do nothing), but once (s)he has done that, I will intervene. As a previous bully victim I've learned that a victim must stand up for him/herself, but once this is done, then the victim deserves respect and as such, deserves to be defended in case needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3969" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T13:49:11.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4401" CreationDate="2017-09-22T14:07:06.200" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Congratulations on your commitment!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone offers you a cookie...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but that's worth twenty minutes sweating on the treadmill! Not ready for this yet...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mmm, processed sugar and palm oil, trying to break the habit...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm on baby carrots right now, want some?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or maybe&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but I've lost &lt;em&gt;xxx&lt;/em&gt; pounds since I started this diet, and I'm not quitting!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point finger to cookie &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know the dark side has cookies, but I'm still not joining, sorry!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to be cheerful about it, remind yourself of your achievements for motivation... use humor...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, well, you can eat a cookie once in a while, it's not that bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T12:27:08.960" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T12:27:08.960" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T14:36:05.040" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am also a computer programmer in addition to an all-around egg head, so I have experienced this scenario many times myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two things I try to avoid doing in this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to avoid sounding arrogant.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;But I also want to avoid sounding insecure.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Striking the proper balance between those two extremes is the key to handling compliments smoothly. In other words, you want to respond &lt;strong&gt;confidently&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: &amp;quot;So you must be really smart?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Response: &amp;quot;Programming does require a certain amount of intelligence.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: &amp;quot;Is what you do really hard?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Response: &amp;quot;I enjoy the challenge of it.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of these responses are&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Confident without being conceited.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Honest.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't &lt;strong&gt;undersell&lt;/strong&gt; yourself. Don't &lt;strong&gt;oversell&lt;/strong&gt; yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, unfortunately, life isn't &amp;quot;one size fits all,&amp;quot; so context matters a lot and these responses are not going to be appropriate in every conceivable situation. But I have found them to be generally good ways of responding to these types of compliments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel the context requires a more self-deprecating response, I would recommend...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: &amp;quot;So you must be really smart?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Response: &amp;quot;I've got my boss fooled, at least.&amp;quot; (Say it with a grin.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6143" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T14:36:05.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2017-09-22T14:55:25.757" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes this can be quite awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My go-to is to turn it around on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: &amp;quot;How much do you make?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Response: &amp;quot;Yeah actually I was just wondering how much you make?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can determine a good response from there. If they aren't willing to tell you what they make, then you certainly shouldn't feel obligated to tell them what you make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From here, if they do share their income with you, you can either share yours with them, or, if you still don't want to do that, you can say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Oh well that's not too different from what I make.&amp;quot; (Even if it is.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And don't forget you can always just change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6143" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T14:55:25.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T15:42:30.293" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;So you must be really smart?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless they are someone who would get into the specific details of your work, I'd think you don't have to worry about underselling / overselling yourself. Not to say this in a disparaging way, but from their standpoint, they probably wouldn't know any better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as giving a humble response is concerned, it could be phrased something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Well, this is by far the only thing I know to help me pay my bills. :)&lt;/em&gt; &quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they persist with their adulation, you could offer a pretty generic reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Yeah, there are some things once in a while that require a bit of extra attention. However, that's generally true for any other job too, especially when you start gaining experience in your field.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T15:42:30.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T16:19:38.797" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This sounds like SMALL TALK, not a serious question.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the other answers touch on this, but I want to make it clear. This response is based on my own experience and research into small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I encounter this exact same situation all the time. I too work in software  (although not in a startup). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't enjoy my job, so I would often respond by saying that anyone with on-the-job training could do what I do. This would catch them off-guard. Similarly, saying anything too serious when it was an random comment, would not go over well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They're probably not asking for your life story.&lt;/strong&gt; Quite a few of the other answers are taking the question a bit too seriously, I think. They're really saying something like &quot;Wow, I admire the skill-set that programming takes.&quot; or &quot;I find that difficult&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just about any response similar in tone to the asker, will go over well.&lt;/strong&gt; This is essentially &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirroring_(psychology)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;mirroring&lt;/a&gt;. If the person wanted to seriously discuss your intelligence, they wouldn't have brought it up like that. I'd recommend a humorous response to this to keep things light and further the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this all the time on here... &lt;strong&gt;small talk is more about how you feel in the conversation, not the content&lt;/strong&gt;. Otherwise it'd be &quot;big&quot; talk. Focus on their feelings, not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Next time, instead of focusing on how uncomfortable you feel, focus on making just one other person feel more comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/hate-small-talk-one-approach-anyone-can-use.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Inc - Hate Small Talk?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6311" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T16:19:38.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3938" CreationDate="2017-09-22T16:30:09.110" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be careful!  These days it's not uncommon for fired employees to file wrongful termination lawsuits.  It makes it difficult to fire employees, which is why most employers just wait and lay them off during the next round of layoffs.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to fire him, make sure you have clear documentation of negative employee reviews. You'll want to be able to prove that you fired them for performance reasons and not for discrimination.  &lt;a href=&quot;https://businesstown.com/articles/how-to-avoid-a-lawsuit-when-firing-an-employee/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This article is helpful&lt;/a&gt;, but if I were you I would consult with a lawyer before terminating the employee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6312" LastEditorUserId="2167" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T16:35:53.697" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T16:35:53.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-22T16:40:45.257" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had this exact issue in college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had two roommates, neither of which ever took out the trash. It was only me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One evening, I got fed up and knocked on both of their doors so we could talk. I (politely) explained to them that I am the only one ever taking out the trash, and it's overflowing again. I shouldn't be the only one to take it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told them I'd appreciate it if, when they saw it was full, they would take it out. Guess what? It worked. They both started taking out the garbage when they saw it was full, and all was right with the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it's pretty simple: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Hey guys/gals, the trash is always overflowing and I feel like I'm the only one that ever takes it out. Can you please put the trash out when you see it's full? The garbage man picks it up every Monday-Friday, so the garbage needs to go out to the curb before 7 PM.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people are sensible, and the chance that they're offended or will be confrontational are very slim. I would not suggest throwing something like, &quot;I'm not your maid,&quot; or &quot;I'm not the caretaker of the building,&quot; into the mix, as this could put them on the defensive. Simply politely explain the problem, and ask them to contribute to the solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4541" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T16:40:45.257" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-22T18:36:11.237" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe they don't realize it's a shared responsibility.  Maybe they think it's an assigned responsibility, like taking the rubbish away from the curbside.  Clearly somebody does it.  Some landlords will give a rent discount to one tenant for taking care of a few responsibilities that the other tenants benefit from; other landlords leave it to the tenants to figure out how to share the work.  Both are legitimate models.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A first strategy for a solution might be just putting a sign on the bins saying &quot;Taking these out is a &lt;strong&gt;shared responsibility&lt;/strong&gt;.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A next/alternative step might be posting a page on the wall near the bins with a title like &quot;&lt;em&gt;Taking out the trash responsibility - please sign yourself up for #&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and then having about 4*# lines for names alongside the dates when the job needs to be done.   Maybe tape up a pencil or pen on a string if it's not getting filled out.  There's an incentive to sign up earlier due to more flexible date selection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put any dates that are exceptions to the usual Monday evening (e.g. due to holidays) in &lt;strong&gt;bold&lt;/strong&gt; or otherwise distinguished (so it's easier to see &quot;there's something different about that one.&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, posting this every few months might be a bit of work, but if it's bothersome you could just put an extra line on the bottom for &quot;make the next sheet&quot; and hope someone signs up.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastEditorUserId="2637" LastEditDate="2017-09-22T18:56:48.413" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T18:56:48.413" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T19:46:57.053" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually go with a smile and a shrug and then move the conversation along. The subtext being:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm going to be polite and not praise myself; but sure, I am.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply saying &quot;thanks&quot; works fine too. It's a compliment in it's way, treat it like somebody telling you you've got great fashion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the context, it's sometimes less a statement about you and more of a question about your job. In those cases I like to do a little programming evangelizing: explaining that it's less technical than it seems and that even if they're bad at math or computers they can learn. That some people hate programming, some people love it, and that it isn't about smarts per se. If they're interested I point them at resources they could learn from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6329" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T19:46:57.053" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4443" CreationDate="2017-09-22T20:37:25.447" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;For your purposes I am assuming here that their compliments are not genuine and it is flattery. This was never a problem for me as I likes compliments, but by studying Sociology and then experiencing such behavior I understood its 'inner workings', so as not to be affected/ influenced by insincere compliments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please remember that if flattery has no selfish underlying motive as such, then it is a social device to win friends and influence people. I am Indian myself: flattery is part of South Asian culture and in my experience persons with less social power will flatter persons with more social power. Never the vice versa. It's our duty to ourself to recognize which is a sincere compliment and which is flattery. For which we need an accurate objective understanding of our own talents and capabilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that you do not want to tell them outright to stop flattering you, then I might suggest the following 3 options to upset the trend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) &lt;strong&gt;Just ignore&lt;/strong&gt; -- simplest option and your job is not to give them the 'social reward' of flattery: you should not be &lt;em&gt;more friendly&lt;/em&gt; and you can even be &lt;em&gt;less friendly&lt;/em&gt; which means their flattery becomes useless. So they may eventually stop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) &lt;strong&gt;Change the subject&lt;/strong&gt; -- whenever you receive an excessive compliment, just start talking about something very different. This is a silent signal to the person that you do not welcome the flattering comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) &lt;strong&gt;Flatter them back excessively&lt;/strong&gt; -- that upsets the perceived social power equation of flattery and confuses the other person. Then they will understand how you feel when they flatter you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So please read all these other excellent answers, make up your mind which is the best approach for you; &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;try it out and do give us your feedback OK!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="3670" LastEditDate="2017-09-23T01:18:12.977" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T01:18:12.977" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4298" CreationDate="2017-09-22T20:59:55.010" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;As to how to avoid the same situation with the same person:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer &quot;yes; would you like another one?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Then it's clear, and you are getting to ask the question at a good time when she's just seen how nice of an experience it can be.  Don't pressure for an immediate answer if she doesn't want to give one, though.  It's enough to answer her question and be clear that the door's open. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T20:59:55.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4480" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4483" CreationDate="2017-09-22T21:22:58.427" Score="9" ViewCount="13741" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having moved to another city/location where most people don't know you, what would be the proper way to tell people you prefer to be called by a nickname?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess one could usually just introduce himself by the nickname, and eventually reveal that your actual name is different. However this is not possible in situations where the legal name is required, like when enrolling for a course, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[edit] I'd be specially interested in the scenario where you join an already existing class. Case in point: I'm joining a martial arts academy; the secretary already has my name on paper, instructors and other students do not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;In case it's important: I'm currently located in the South Region of Brazil. But general answers are welcome.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2724" LastEditorUserId="2724" LastEditDate="2018-03-07T20:10:28.030" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T20:10:28.030" Title="How to introduce your nickname to new people?" Tags="&lt;introductions&gt;&lt;brazil&gt;&lt;nickname&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-22T21:26:46.007" Score="8" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have a sign made at the local print shop.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Post the sign above the trash bins.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sign&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;   Do you live in this building?&#xA;     Is It Monday? After 3pm?&#xA;           (0) (0)&#xA;            Yes?&#xA;     Move Bins to Street&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bold items appropriately.&#xA;The (0) (0) are eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*It is proven that if people believe they are being watched -- even with the simple addition of a picture of a face or some eyes then they are far more likely to do the thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Illusion of being observed can make you a better person&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-the-illusion-of-being-observed-can-make-you-better-person/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-the-illusion-of-being-observed-can-make-you-better-person/&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.businessinsider.com/psychological-tricks-to-influence-people-2015-8&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.businessinsider.com/psychological-tricks-to-influence-people-2015-8&lt;/a&gt;&#xA;(Number 8 on that list will lead you to the study.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Summary&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was a study where they were attempting to get people to put $0.25 in a box when they drank coffee.  Couldn't get them to do it.  Only 15% of the time or something.  Then they added a pair of eyes to the poster and 80% of the time people put the $0.25 in the box.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6333" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-23T04:52:47.017" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T04:52:47.017" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4407" CreationDate="2017-09-22T21:35:22.997" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I smoke, and when there are people around who don't like it, I go somewhere else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're concerned that your bf will get upset when you tell him your mother's wishes, that's a red flag about the basis of the relationship.  If he actually does get upset, then that's simply not a relationship you want to be in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust your mother not to ruin your relationship, she's got your back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3041" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T21:35:22.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4480" CreationDate="2017-09-22T21:58:47.793" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I've taken classes (small class size only) I generally find the instructor goes around the room and gives the students a chance to say hi, introduce themselves and what they're called. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I had a friend whose name was William Alexander but all of the men in his family are named &quot;William _____&quot; so they all go by their middle names. So when we were introducing ourselves, he said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm on the roster as &quot;William&quot; but I go by my middle name, &quot;Alex&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This format works for most occasions, whether they know your name or not. Even if you're not able to introduce yourself to the class, if you're speaking with the teacher/professor after class and you want to be certain they know who you are on the roster, you can do the same thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you asked, if you're joining an existing class, how they introduce new students (if they even do) will vary widely based on the class. Some classes may not specifically welcome new students but you should still be able to greet the teacher by arriving early to the first class and introducing yourself with the above phrase or something similar. If they do have a &quot;meet the new student&quot; introduction, you can let them know at that time. If you really want them to know your preferred name before you get there, you could also let them know in advance either over the phone or by email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're introducing yourself to someone who &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; know your name already, you can just introduce yourself by what you prefer to be called. It's possible that this may cause some small amount of confusion at some point, but even if you introduce yourself with your actual name &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; your nickname, there's no guarantee that in a couple of months they'll remember the name you've never used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the exception to this may be if your preferred name is not a &quot;normal&quot; name. It's one thing to go by &quot;Alex&quot; instead of &quot;Alexander&quot; but if your name's &quot;Alexander&quot; and you go by &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://quantumleap.wikia.com/wiki/Gooshie&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Gooshie&lt;/a&gt;&quot; you might want to go with the full explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't find out about Alex using his middle name until long after I'd met him. I'd assumed that was is first name, so when he explained it, I found it interesting (I also know his dad, &quot;Mike&quot;) that they have this family tradition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; &quot;Gooshie&quot; is short for Dr. Gushman... or so says a couple of sources I've seen. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-23T02:37:27.513" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T02:37:27.513" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-22T22:07:48.610" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Answer &quot;No, not really&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you answer yes, you'll be called on to fix any computer or vaguely computer related problem (printers, routers, faxes, etc) they may have in future for free, for ever.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also answering in this way is modest and relatively seen, it's not brain surgery, rocket science, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being decent programmer requires a large amount of learning and a certain amount of aptitude or talent and means you are smart (at least with computers) compared with the average person.  Explaining this all would however take to long and isn't appropriate in the context of small talk (&quot;So, what do you do?&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An alternate answer could be &quot;Well, I studied hard for 3(?) years and I'm still learning&quot;, though be aware of still becoming the 'computer person' as mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6335" LastActivityDate="2017-09-22T22:07:48.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4480" CreationDate="2017-09-23T03:47:45.673" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was younger most of my friends didn't use their given names, for um... reasons... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most everyone had a name that was more or less assigned by the group. It wasn't necessarily a deliberate process, it was just sort of what people came to be called over time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were names like Nazi Rob, Other Rob, Crackhead, Scummy, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually these names took a firmer hold when these characters would be introduced to others using them. Obviously most of these names weren't flattering, but we were often particularly harsh in assigning new names to people who tried to invent or change their own names.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're simply trying to carry on an existing name to a new location just introduce yourself that way and hope it catches on before someone else assigns you a new one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm SoAndSo, but people call me SuchAndSuch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or just:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm SuchAndSuch&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't necessarily expect an instructor to accept using your nickname, but there are advantages to having alternate name/s. It makes it really easy to sort where people know you from...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T03:47:45.673" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4480" CreationDate="2017-09-23T05:24:56.973" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you join the class, you probably will be asked to introduce yourself. If not,&#xA;ask your secretary/instructor to allow you to introduce yourself. And then just say, for example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello everyone! (Hi/Hey) My name is 'Marcus' but you can call me 'Marc'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that should get your message across. Also, if you get a chance to introduce yourself informally to your colleagues, just introduce yourself as 'Marc' from there on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enough people start calling you by that name and everyone will soon know you as 'Marc'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="142" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T05:24:56.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3636" CreationDate="2017-09-23T07:11:35.587" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I like the approach to keep the two MILs separate, I fear that this is not the end of the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cite from your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;She has no experience of cats ...most cats in India are feral and very independent beasts ...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;When Aunt ... she pounced upon their cat and gathered it up into her arms &amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This strikes me as a very unusual behaviour. Who in all world would &amp;quot;pounce upon&amp;quot; a &amp;quot;feral ... beast&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;gather it up&amp;quot; &lt;strong&gt;and not expect some reaction from said beast?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for this I'd say Aunty specifically was trying to start trouble. And upon reading &amp;quot;Aunt blames them for &lt;em&gt;snaring her son&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; I'm pretty certain this is the core of the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, from my personal experience with people absolutely determined to get their way and sneaky enough to do so with as few open confrontation - but starting as many a distraction as possible - I strongly advise your cousin to take a stance against his mother, to openly and firmly speak to his mother about his decision for his now wife, just like suggested by Lost Soul.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I fear with the wife's mother-in-law out of reach, his mother will turn against his wife next, defaming and picking on her as much as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6349" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T07:36:13.160" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-23T07:39:35.747" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;(A little late to the party...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could literally just reply with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has two benefits:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If what you heard was a compliment, it acknowledges that without affirming or denying it and allows the conversation to move on naturally without any awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If what you heard was sarcastic or otherwise less-than-courteous, it reverses the table and puts the &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; person in the awkward position of failing to naturally continue the thought.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T07:39:35.747" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4492" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-23T15:32:57.460" Score="1" ViewCount="1337" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hello I am a junior student of Computer Science Major in Software Engineering, there were persons from other colleges who wants us to collaborate with them to make an application for their thesis. The other teams have already come up with the agreement their other party who also want to have systems made for their thesis that they would pay. So I want to accept this proposal, for money and experience, but how should I ask them if they would be paying for the software we will be building for them? And that we wouldn't work for free?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6361" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-23T16:41:58.993" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T21:24:22.253" Title="How to politely ask if they would be paying for the project" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-09-24T01:02:57.810" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4493" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4492" CreationDate="2017-09-23T16:38:21.947" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you work on a project you get &quot;paid&quot; in 3 different ways:&#xA;1. With money.&#xA;2. With the experience.&#xA;3. With the contacts you gain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look at this project and score the order in which you are motivated to do this project? Is it experience first, money second and contacts third? Which one is the top one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If money is the most important, decide how important and under which amount of money you'd feel they've taken advantage of you. Let's say you decided $200 is the minimum you're after. Anything under this makes you feel resentful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also think of the industry you want to work in and how this would help/not help with getting into that industry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;thank you for considering us/me. Who is going to pay for this project? I know when X team did a similar project for Y team they paid Z amount.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then let them speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know your lowest limit, so if they say they weren't thinking of paying then say:.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm afraid $200 is the minimum I'd accept to work on this project. However if you're looking for people who may want to do it for free, you may want to spread the word via x, y or z groups&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you stand firm on your offer but at the same time you are stil helpful by giving them alternatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5511" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T16:38:21.947" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3938" CreationDate="2017-09-23T17:03:25.010" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The moment you tell him he's fired, his brain will go into fight, flight or freeze mode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best case scenario given your situation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you speak to him, make a list of all the things you've noticed he's good at and see if other managers may find someone with his skills useful, another type of job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's not a natural programmer and you don't think he'll be able to be trained as one, offering an alternative will be the best win-win. Explaining to him why you're suggesting this alternative it will help him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember &quot;Everybody is a Genius. But If You Judge a Fish by Its Ability to Climb a Tree, It Will Live Its Whole Life Believing that It is Stupid&quot; - you helping him find what he is good at means you'll change his life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, at least suggest some other jobs in that industry you think he could be fit for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5511" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T17:03:25.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4495" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4302" CreationDate="2017-09-23T17:38:45.947" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Business Development Manager needs to understand from you as far as you know:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What problem does what you've done solve for a real person/animal/company?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Who experiences this problem (pick one example) and what is it like for them before you came in to solve the problem? (E.g. For 1&amp;amp;2: HR managers find it difficult to store files in the cloud because they usually work in caves so access to WiFi is non existent.&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How do other ways of solving  this problem still let this person/animal/company down? (E.g. HR managers tried uploading files via 3G but the network kept crashing. They tried via 4G but it took 2 hours to upload file. Highly impractical as they need to upload 10 files a day on avg)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your solution - bring back this HR manager and show how he could use YOUR SOLUTION - e.g. instead of WiFi, 3G and 4G, the HR managers could plug into their laptop this Ethernet cable (which you invented, your solution) and this cable would 've connected straight to the cloud and they'd be able to transfer their files in 3 min on avg per file.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck! :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5511" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T17:38:45.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4497" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-23T18:40:09.180" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try accepting it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're really smart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Yes, I do have quite a bit of expertise about some things.  Although, there are other areas in life where other people are quite a bit smarter than me.&quot;  [Then, unless someone quickly steals the conversation away, immediately provide a clear example.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people seem to think that you need to deny the compliment in order to not sound cocky.  I don't think so.  If people recognize a truth, it is acceptable to acknowledge truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone tries to give you a gift, whether it is in a box surrounded by wrapping paper or just a some kind words, does the giver hope that the receiver will reject the gift?  Simply and &lt;em&gt;genuinely accepting something nice that is offered, including a compliment, doesn't have to be a bad approach&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone compliments one of my strengths, of which I openly admit to having (including some notable ones), I've found people find me less arrogant when I demonstrate just how quickly I can counter by adding a recognition of where I lack, quite significantly inferior to even average abilities in some other area of life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just think about what I seem to fail at, or at least struggle with, where other people are easier?  What are some tasks where I absolutely need to depend on other people who are more skilled in that area?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This usually goes well; people who give me compliments are able to have their compliments received.  If someone is trying to check for clarity, they can have their ideas acknowledged and confirmed, without me needing to muddy the waters with words that imply I might not entirely agree with even as I say them.  Yet, with a quick lesson in diversity, I point out how the strength is limited in some ways, and I introduce another aspect of my life, and the end result doesn't turn out to seem too haughty for most people's tastes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I've been successful, the concept of me seeming arrogant threatened my life quest of &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; being honest.  The solution I've come up with is this surprisingly simple idea: When the truth seems like it might shine a nice light upon you, this approach of adding more truth lets you humbly manage to do what a person should always do with a correct compliment or any other form of truth: accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T18:40:09.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4498" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4579" CreationDate="2017-09-23T18:41:35.670" Score="16" ViewCount="4354" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maintaining focus on a single task until completing it might require a lot of effort, to me. While I'm a talkative person and enjoy long conversations myself, I still can't work/study and talk at the same time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, I avoid this situation by wearing noise-canceling headphones and most people will &lt;em&gt;just get it&lt;/em&gt;. However, one of my coworkers is also the type that enjoys talking for hours and she's unfazed by my cues. She will often interrupt me to make small talk. If I mention I'm trying to focus on a task that requires my full attention, she seems to understand for a few minutes, but then come back with a work-related topic that she manages to extend into a long conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have also tried explaining that I use headphones because I can't work and talk at the same time, and that I prefer to keep work-related topics in written form, so we can search it later if we need to. Yet, she'll still find other ways: asking if I &quot;also heard someone knocking on the door&quot;; asking for help moving stuff around (she's recovering from a hand injury); asking for help with tech or English terminology; even getting me coffee so I'd have to say if I wanted sugar on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bear in mind she's a really nice person, and she'll act similarly with other people around. Of course, when there's someone else at the office, they soak up her attention and I don't get interrupted as often. Our managers are aware of her behavior and they don't mind, so I have no intention to make a formal complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I keep these conversations to a minimum&lt;/strong&gt;? Even if she needs my help, I'd rather be messaged first (we have corporate instant messaging at our disposal, but they're not enforced) and attend her when I'm ready instead of being interrupted, unless it's an actual emergency. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to avoid being blunt with her if possible, but I'm running out of ideas of how to make it work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="128" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T16:40:34.900" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T16:40:34.900" Title="Dealing with people who feel the need to constantly talk" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;brazil&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4499" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3692" CreationDate="2017-09-23T19:34:21.553" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Send it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will tell you, based on personal experience, when you send a message that says &quot;Thanks&quot;, there is potential for that to be really, really annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me explain why it can be even more annoying than the hypothetical scenario that you pitched.  (Then I will explain why I say &quot;Send it&quot;, despite having just proved how annoying it is.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've worked on some help desks that use electric tracking &quot;tickets&quot; to keep track of work that needs to be done.  We can use our &quot;ticketing system&quot; (computer software) to send E-Mail.  When we do, if a customer replies, their tickets gets highlighted as something that we, the staff of the help desk, need to reply to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We go through dozens or hundreds of tickets a week.  Some tickets are short and simple, while others can be quite aggravating to both our staff and the customers.  When there are multi-day aggravating tickets, I'm very happy for them to go into a &quot;Closed&quot; status so that they aren't ever seen again...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;until a couple of days later.  As I'm struggling to not be behind schedule on some other important work that has cropped up, I notice that the ticket board has re-opened this ticket because the customer has replied.  Seeing the subject of the highlighted ticket that I thought had been tossed down the bottomless pit forever, I notice feelings of dread creeping over me and overwhelming my very soul.  The ticket was marked as closed and left our visibility, but apparently the customer had more to say.  I think, &quot;I thought we were done with this nightmare.&quot;  Fearing the new details that may cause a new round of pain to surface, I tremble as I see just what additional pain has been conjured from the abyss's depths.  Chills dance down and up my spine as I somehow I feebly manage to click on that ticket, and scroll to the area to see just what horrible addition the customer has added.  And then I see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks!  I appreciate the good work.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What?  You're telling me that I have a bunch of really important work to do, but I interrupted my progress on that new important work, setting it aside to address an update to what was an even more important issue, and my workflow and progress has been utterly destroyed for a total of 8 seconds because... why?  Because the customer had the audacity to thank me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have judged such replies to be pretty useless, really.  In fact, harmful.  Seriously, Heather and Jim and I all strive to keep our ticket board as empty as possible, and so if Jim gets a compliment, I'm not going to call his cell phone and interrupt his current progress on something else just to say &quot;Alice said 'Thanks'.&quot;  Nope, I just close the ticket, thereby cleaning up our board, and so Jim never even gets to see the compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in the spirit of good customer service, I thought about how it would be good to train our customers NOT to send such &quot;useless&quot; replies.  After all, if they slow us down, then they impact our ability to give better service to other customers.  Since what comes around goes around, the practice eventually ends up being detrimental even to the customers that perform such atrocities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when thinking about this, I realized just how horrible that would be.  Basically, telling people, &quot;don't be polite to us&quot;.  We do want our customers happy with us, and so if they are spending time thinking good thoughts about us, it really is in our best interest to let the customers do this, despite the negative impact.  (Finding a ticket, opening it, scrolling to the update location, and reading the text ends up taking me more time than just looking at my cell phone screen.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, even if your text does end up annoying the person by taking some of their time, sensible people should eventually see that your intent was to be nice, and this world could sure benefit by more people doing things with nice intent.  Keeping a strong, good relationship developed is more important than some slight feeling of annoyance that a person may feel.  So, even when &quot;Thanks&quot; may be least appreciated (e.g., frequently in Western culture), such an act is still worth doing.  So, I conclude that yes, you should do this nice thing of sending a polite message.  In this case, obeying &lt;A HREF=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_Do_It&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Nike's slogan&lt;/A&gt; is recommended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T19:34:21.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4492" CreationDate="2017-09-23T21:24:22.253" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It might just be worthwhile to modulate your dialogue with them in such a way that your primary focus is seen as gaining experience, even though it is only fair to expect that you are (and should be) compensated for the time you'd spend working on it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;First, make sure that you express your &lt;em&gt;genuine&lt;/em&gt; interest in gathering the requirements for the project. Take notes, ask for clarifications and queries, if the need be. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask for the timescales (basically the number of days) that they're looking at to accomplish the completion of the said work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Finally, coming to the finances, you could phrase your question as: &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;May I know if you have any budget in mind for this work? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, this will indicate that you'd be expecting some sort of&#xA; compensation for your time. However, to ascertain that the&#xA; conversation doesn't become uncomfortable (should the budget be low or&#xA; nil), have at least one more question on your plate; for example: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask about the schedule: specifically, start date for the project. Once this is answered, you could request for a little time (maybe a day or two) to get back to them with a review, and close the conversation gracefully.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Now you'll have all the details you need to consider / re-consider working on the project. If either of the things above don't look good to you, you could request for another meeting. Only this time, be ready with a thorough review / feedback. Explain if something is not technically feasible or needs more clarity, discuss the complexities, offer any suggestions that you might have. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if the project is worth working on — based on your assessment from the first meeting, initiate a proper conversation about the timescales and budget, if you think there's any wiggle room with it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T21:24:22.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4501" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4498" CreationDate="2017-09-23T22:00:21.550" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know you say you don't want to be blunt, but it's reasonable to be direct.  I would tell her something very similar to how you started here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have a hard time being as productive when I am interrupted.  It&#xA;  makes me lose my train of thought and rhythm to my work.  Whenever it&#xA;  is possible, please message me instead of talking to me.  Then I can&#xA;  finish my thought, or whatever before I take a look and it helps me&#xA;  stay on focus.  If you absolutely &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to speak to me, that is fine,&#xA;  but any time you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt;, please message, even if asking to grab coffee.&#xA;  It just helps me get more done in a better time frame.  Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't see that as &quot;blunt&quot; but it is very clear.  It is possible that your cues are rather subtle and something many people would miss.  It is also possible she isn't great at reading cues in general.  It could be a combination of those as well.  Whatever the case, until you are very specific with her, she may not have any clue this is troublesome.  As you say that management knows and is okay with it, it might be that most people do not have trouble with it, so she isn't aware that you &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T22:00:21.550" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-23T22:03:18.593" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I assuming that this is not a roommate type of shared living but something like a building with three apartments and a single shared garbage bin.  So with that said, what you can do is a gentle subterfuge. Let's say the refuse is picked up on Friday. On Tuesday, you knock on your neighbors door and say, &quot;hi, sorry to bother you but I'm going to be away on Friday. Would you mind taking the bin out? I did it the last few weeks but can't do it this time, and I don't want rats in our building because I'm away&quot;.  They either say yes at this point or &quot;but what about Tenant 3?&quot;. In the latter case you can say you haven't asked but you agree that it needs to become a shared responsibility and ask what system they suggest for the long term. Then you take out the trash the week after, and have the same conversation with tenant 3 for the third week. The result is that everyone sees you helping, and everyone knows that a solution ought to be found. And then you have a much simpler conversation about a rota.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4365" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T22:03:18.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4504" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4510" CreationDate="2017-09-23T23:48:40.577" Score="9" ViewCount="3826" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;This is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; a question about how to say no to street vendors. I specifically want to know how I can avoid interacting with a particular person who &lt;strong&gt;just happens to be&lt;/strong&gt; a street vendor. He could be any other person I meet on the subway every day, and not necessarily a street vendor. So please don't close this question as a duplicate of &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3223/appropriate-ways-to-dismiss-street-vendors&quot;&gt;an earlier question&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a second-generation American of Middle Eastern/ South Asian origin working in a big city in the USA where there is a subway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually someone is selling newspapers in the morning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the past year there has been this creepy-looking person (in my opinion) selling newspapers. This person looks like a cunning criminal type. Although I cannot give you 'evidence' of this, it is my 'gut feeling' which we are encouraged to trust while encountering a stranger. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He tends to go up to people, say hello, ask them for a high-five. I even see people stop and talk to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then last year when I was minding my own business, he came up to me and asked for a high-five.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was really scared of saying &quot;no&quot; because one time when I refused someone who was soliciting money, they got really aggressive and I almost had to call the cops on them. [I and my family do not have good experiences with officials and prefer not to involve any officials in this matter.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for a year I reluctantly gave high-fives and acted like I was happy about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then a few months ago I saw a video on computer security and the person presenting it said something interesting, &quot;You are an adult, say no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the next day when I was in the subway and this person wanted a high-five I gave a thumbs up and said this is easy for me. Then he thought I am celebrating Ramadan, hence I am not giving high-five (I look Muslim, plus I wear long skirts). He asked if I am fasting for Ramadan and I said yes, just to end the conversation right then and there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it's way past Ramadan, and the person jokingly asks for high-five. I am polite and say, &quot;have a nice day&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Believe it or not, many 2nd generation Americans retain a lot of mindset (for better or worse) from their ancestral country. Plus I keep hearing that acid attacks are now coming to Western countries like France and the UK. My ancestral background is from a culture where such attacks against women are not uncommon. So honestly, &lt;strong&gt;I am really scared of random interactions with unknown people.&lt;/strong&gt;  I also want to avoid angering anyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I can smile and give a friendly nod and pass by: but not talk or give him a high-five. My concern is, if I interact with him more, my boundaries will be overstepped and I won't know how to de-escalate. It is hard to ignore a person who you have no choice but to pass by each day, &lt;em&gt;if he oversteps my boundaries.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many members have commented that my fears about this person seem irrational. I don't think they are irrational but that argument doesn't invalidate my question anyway because &lt;strong&gt;I have a right to avoid him if I want to, whatever the reason.&lt;/strong&gt; To get around that controversial point let us simply assume that I am extremely shy and want to avoid interacting with this person for that reason: how do I do it tactfully without antagonizing this person? Please address that aspect rather than my possible motivations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;QUESTION: How to avoid interacting with this person and how can I politely communicate my lack of interest verbally or &lt;strong&gt;non-verbally&lt;/strong&gt; (preferred) without upsetting him, myself, or any surrounding people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5919" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T17:04:34.483" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T22:51:37.670" Title="How do I tactfully avoid interacting with a person I meet on the way to work every day, at a subway station?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2017-09-23T23:59:07.230" Score="2" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Time together&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The circumstances I am not fine with meeting is if we met like four days in a row and over the weekend (we often spend the whole 48h together) and then her training got cancelled. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I read this, what I am hearing is that on weekends, you are usually making it completely her time.  You spend forty-eight hours straight (or more) together.  As a result, you somewhat resent having spent the days before the weekend together and will really resent it if she asks for more days after the weekend.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would you do if you lived together?  You would not have any days that you could expect not to be in her company.  She'd have nowhere else to go.  You'd have to make me time while she is physically present or by her going somewhere temporarily (out with friends or whatever).  So if your relationship is going to succeed long term, you have to find a way to carve out time for yourself while she is around.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Alone time&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering doing that during your existing weekend time.  Try to carve out a period where you are doing one thing and she is doing something else.  That way, if she tells you that she wants to come over Monday evening, you won't see it as losing the first day in a week that you could be alone.  Then if you can't meet as much during the week, you can cancel your alone time and do something with her instead.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what she likes to do, so I can't really suggest anything concrete.  A traditional example (may not fit her) would be someone who enjoyed cooking.  She could be preparing a complex meal while you game, and friends could come over to eat with you.  You'd be fresh off some alone time and ready to spend time with others.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Extrovert or introvert?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others have suggested that the issue might be that she is an extrovert while you are an introvert.  I'm not sure that that is the issue.  An extrovert likes spending time with other people.  An extrovert would be trying to drag you off to places with lots of people.  But you don't mention anything like that.  Someone who likes spending lots of time with only one person sounds more like an introvert to me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem seems to be that she detoxes by spending time with you while you want to detox by spending time with your computer.  An extrovert would be easier, as an extrovert would like spending time with other people and could be diverted into that.  An introvert can be harder if she is using you as part of what she considers alone time.  I.e. she is so comfortable alone with you, that she'd prefer to spend all her time like that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know her better than we do.  If you think she is an extrovert, then she probably is.  But I wouldn't get so caught up in other people's explanations that you try to treat her as an extrovert when she's really an introvert.  Someone who likes spending a lot of time with a small number of people is an introvert.  Extroverts like strangers.  They don't normally get described as clingy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Compromise together&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, for her, these times when she can come over extra are a blessing.  If you tell her that you don't want to see her that evening, it's ruining the blessing.  It takes her from a high to a below average.  This is probably especially so because you normally do accept these extra visits.  If you can find a way to change the few times when you don't want the visits so that you are more in line with her feelings, then it will be easier on the relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have said, the important part is to communicate.  You need to express what you need and learn what she needs.  You should come to some kind of compromise that works for both of you.  Don't get too caught up in the specific problem of the days when she wants to come over but you don't.  From your description, that seems like more of a symptom of what happens when you spend a lot of time together.  Consider solutions like not spending every weekend hour together.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is of course possible that this relationship will fail in the long term.  It's hard to tell.  But I would recommend first trying to make this relationship work.  The effort spent trying to work out a compromise in this relationship may simply pay off and make this relationship work.  But if not, then it will still serve as good practice for future relationships.  Because all relationships involve compromise.  And perhaps this is the right relationship for you.  Maybe it just needs some early adjustments to set up long term compatibility.  That's your decision to make.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2017-09-23T23:59:07.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4504" CreationDate="2017-09-24T00:08:40.580" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your post seems littered with negative assumptions, how do you know that this person isn't just selling newspapers and trying to be friendly? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is just asking for a high-five they sound pretty harmless and it's pretty common for people in sales to go out of their way to try to engage with potential customers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're not interested in engaging with this person you could just keep walking, I'm sure many, if not most, people do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also... Many major US cities enforce street vendor licensing, so chances are pretty good that if he's always in the same place selling papers he has a permit to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T00:08:40.580" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4498" CreationDate="2017-09-24T00:09:49.300" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being blunt and being rude are two different things.  If she approaches you with a question just tell her to send you a message so you can devote the time needed for an answer when you have the opportunity.  If it's coffee, say no, thank you (if you want some get it yourself, it'll be less time consuming).  If she persists, remind her of HER work that needs getting done.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There is always,&#xA;&quot;I am busy, I will contact you when I have time.&quot;&#xA;&quot;I'm busy right now.  We can chat later.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just remember, it's your job at risk if you don't get your tasks completed.  She isn't your sister, or your BFF, if you do offend her what's the worst that'll happen?  She won't talk to you any more??  If she complains, management already knows she's a nuisance, just tell them she was stopping you from completing the work they gave you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6375" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T12:40:52.173" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T12:40:52.173" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2278" CreationDate="2017-09-24T01:14:22.070" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's start with (to me) the most obvious thing.  The second response, and he's mad at you?  That says a lot - either something is really missing from this story, or you have a really crappy relationship.  Your defensive response (apologizing for being boring) makes me think that you don't have a good relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see in your story where he called you &quot;mind-boggingly ignorant&quot;.  That also leads me to think that there's something going on here - either you are reading WAY too much into his responses, or your responses to date have shown a lack of knowledge that he expects.  I also look at your response to Hamlet - there's something in there that implies your opinion on your life vs your father's.  You even mention &quot;inflated egos&quot; and I assume you apply that to your father as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not going to like this, but I'm going to say it anyway: I'd recomment to start by showing some humility with your father, which I don't read here.  I'm reading only defensiveness and a certain sense of having a better education.  So he grew up &quot;almost on a farm&quot;.  I'd challenge you to take up farming for a couple months.  How do you recognize when a cow is in heat, and what do you do about it?  When do you harvest corn, and what strain do you plant?  What do you use hay vs straw for?  How many crops of hay can you get in a year in your area?  When do you sell your crops?  What is the difference between &quot;A&quot; milk and &quot;B&quot; milk, and what do you do to change the grade of your milk?  Any person with exposure to farming would know this and why it's important.  I don't know that you know it or not but the point is that there is specialized knowledge in agriculture as in any profession.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enough of busting your chops and back to the question.  Rather than getting defensive, a simple answer of something to the extent of &quot;I honestly don't know&quot; and moving on is simple and much better than an apology for being boring.  In this case, even saying &quot;you know, I am not sure about the law here.  What is a moving violation?&quot;  would defuse some tension.  No one expects you to know everything but being willing to learn helps you learn more things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T01:14:22.070" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4510" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4504" CreationDate="2017-09-24T03:22:21.377" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's clear from your question that you are terrified and are nervous about the consequences of asserting yourself. That's understandable given your background of living in a society where women had next to no rights. This combined with fear mongering in the news doesn't help to alleviate your anxieties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Let's break it down.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not an absolute truth, but is the most likely scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're not approachable and over time he has become familiar with you or made eye contact with you and decided it's worth a try to engage you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Logically, this newspaper vendor sells papers and has worked out that by high fiving people and being friendly, he sells more papers. He may also be an outgoing friendly person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;By trying to high five you, it's unlikely the motives are anything other than trying to sell a newspaper or trying to engage you, not for sinister reasons. He might think you're nice, he may think you look sad, who knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He's been selling newspapers over a period of time, which would indicate there's some degree of stability in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He's become a part of the community. This helps him socially and in selling newspapers. he has a reputation to preserve and is unlikely to do anything to damage that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Solution&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As he's persisting in trying to engage you and not taking the hint.&#xA;As you encounter him daily, you are going to need to say something to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just quietly and politely say, something to the effect:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Please don't approach me, it makes me uncomfortable and I just want to be left alone.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if you feel like engaging him:&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;I'd rather we don't touch, let's just smile instead.&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;There is a risk he may try to escalate it, as he clearly likes to engage people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See what he does. If he continues to approach you, that is a different issue, he has no boundaries and a further step will need to be taken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If that fails&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is going to ignore clear boundaries that you set, you could:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;cross the street or take some way to avoid him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Carry an unfolded newspaper or something non-threatening (not a handbag or umbrella that could be used as a &amp;quot;weapon&amp;quot; and as you pass him, hold it up between you both. Please don't do this before trying the first solution of talking to him. If you can achieve a resolution with clear communication, it will only help your confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T03:22:21.377" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4514" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4298" CreationDate="2017-09-24T05:52:03.423" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me you are asking two different questions here. One is in the title: &quot;How to clearly communicate that you're asking someone on a date?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, that one is easy. Just tell them &quot;Hey, I'm romantically interested in you, want to date?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, in fact, this isn't the social appropriate way of doing it, because, as stated in the comments, there's a lot going on about not losing your face or make your counterpart lose theirs, and therefore everything has to be veiled until the relationship is stable enough to ask/start even very intimate questions/actions. One way to feel your ground during this span of time is, again, as mentioned, to start small physical contact like touching hands, forearm, shoulders, holding hands, looking each other deep into the eyes... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But all this would be the answer to &quot;How to convey to the other person you see this as a date&quot;. So, in fact, I'd say there is no socially acceptable way to communicate a date as a &quot;date&quot; that couldn't turn into something very awkward. Like, reaching for the other partners hand, holding it between yours, looking deep into the others eyes and whispering in a very promising voice &quot;Want to go on a date with me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, on to your second question: &quot;Was there anything that I could have done from the start to avoid this situation?&quot;&#xA;That's a hard one, with me not having been there! As Tinkeringbelle already explained, this could have been a case of mistaken intentions on the other's part. It could also be a case of not clearly transported intentions of your part. But, and that's the third, &lt;strong&gt;it could also be a case of change of mind&lt;/strong&gt;. Or, the fourth, &lt;strong&gt;a last test&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's first have a look at the &quot;last test&quot;. So, there was this great date, you feel just very confident, and along comes this icebucket of a full stop. What are you doing now? Will you go into sulking, will you throw a temper tantrum, will you show her the bill for the evening and demand instant splitting? You'd be surprised how many people see an invitation for a date as an &lt;strong&gt;investion&lt;/strong&gt; which gives them &lt;strong&gt;rights&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, will you stay decent and honest and answer something on the lines of &quot;Well, for me it certainly was. You sure it wasn't?&quot; Which would open the ground for the other to speak their mind (or make it up). After which you really should know where you stand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the change of mind, well... there a a billion things that could just spontaneously tip the scale against you, even on a date going well up to this point. Maybe it was a date, but then you tipped your waiter too much/too few/too whatever for their like? I don't know. You could, if you were reading their body language correctly. Or not, if they are very good at acting. See, so many ifs and maybes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could even be your date is one of these people who like to be courted without commiting and therefore wants to prolong this stage of uncertainty and wooing indefinitely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in fact, the second question also can't be answered with certainty. Because there are two of you in it, and the other one surely has an important part to play. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So as I see it, you have two general options. The first is to take the ending of your date as a &quot;no&quot; and act however you act when rejected. &#xA;The second would be to take this as an invitation to turn the situation into something definitely a romantic date. Since it is too late for you to do so with mentioned date, ask them out for a second, maybe with a wording of &quot;Would you like to go on a definite FIRST date with me?&quot; When they agree, see it as an open invitation to further the physical contact, touch them on all these little opportunities, and certainly try to kiss them goodbye. And watch their reaction to each of these interactions. Whenever they shy back from them, you plan hasn't worked...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6383" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T05:52:03.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-24T07:50:15.123" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Leave a polite, non-accusatory note on the inside of the door to the building, requesting that everyone thinks of the bins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you are passing the bins on Monday and they are not already out, please consider moving them onto the street ready for collection, as no one is employed to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely that they know you always put the bins out, and consider it not their problem because you always do it. They might think that you are paid to do it, that you do it because you take pride in being organised, that you love helping out, or because you like the bins to be neat and don't trust anyone else to do it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering that they probably know you always do it, you could also consider signing your name or door number so that people don't mark you as a coward for trying to be anonymous when it's obviously you. In that case, you should change the wording to show you're all in the same boat:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;as no one is employed to do this &lt;strong&gt;for us&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also consider having people sign their numbers to show they've read it so you can take it down as soon as everyone has seen it - notes on doors get annoying after a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might not work but at least then you'll know they all know it's a shared responsibility and you can step up your game for the next round because now they're definitely being rude, not just ignorant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1863" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T07:50:15.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4276" CreationDate="2017-09-24T08:06:49.450" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell your gossipy co-worker that you are taking pain medication for a joint problem, or something else that's boring. Maybe you have chronic knee pain or something else fairly run-of-the-mill. Obviously not infectious, and has no impact on your life expectancy, so not worth gossiping about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come up with an equally boring story about how it started, or just something vague like 'I don't know, it just started hurting a while ago and eventually I went to the doctor. He/she just told me to take this medication a few times a day and now it feels better.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1863" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T08:06:49.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-24T08:27:14.283" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of these answers focus on how to get your three fellows to live up to your standards, or get an authority to force them to do so. However, everyone has different standards for tidiness. As has been noted, your roommates don't seem to notice the trash the way you do, so it seems safe to assume that you're the one with the strictest standard of tidiness in the housing arrangement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, find a time where you all happen to be home (dinner time? game night? right after class or work? Is there a shared space in the building?). Don't call a &quot;house meeting&quot; - that will make the issue dramatic and they'll take it less seriously; just find time to chat like you normally would. Ask them how often they like to take out the trash. Do any of them prefer to do it on a schedule (say, bi-weekly, or right before an activity that causes them to pass by the dumpster anyway?), do they have a trigger that causes them to take it out (such as after they cook food, or before a guest comes over), or do they want to handle it as they notice it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't even mention that you're the only one doing the trash right now. The goal is to presuppose that all of you share the duty of taking out the trash, and you're just asking for details on how they'd like to do it. If you skip the part where they have a choice about whether or not to do something, you're avoiding being seen as a drama-queen. You're all peers, trying to hash out a compromise that works for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing to keep in mind is that what will &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; happen is some arrangement where the trash is taken out as frequently as you currently do it. Trying to force your peers to please you won't work, it'll just make them resent you - even if they agree to your standards. &lt;em&gt;They&lt;/em&gt; will feel like the maids, cleaning a house that isn't dirty just because you wanted it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best outcome is that everyone will settle on an equilibrium where the trash gets taken out when enough people are unhappy about it, and have time to do it. It will probably not be as often as you currently do it. It's possible that over time they'll take it out more frequently anyway - just to save themselves the discomfort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this stuff doesn't just apply to the trash - it's any common resource that's shared between people. Hot water for showers in the morning, laundry time, dishes, whatever. No matter what it is, it's always better to try to find a casual compromise so that everyone is more or less happy - rather than forcing everyone to live up to the standard of the strictest member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2321" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T08:27:14.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4519" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4498" CreationDate="2017-09-24T10:46:27.280" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what you say, she seems to be a genuinely nice and likable person. Plus you're asking how to make her shut up without offending her, which means you're concerned about her feelings, and you wouldn't be if she was obnoxious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hypothesis 1: She could be hitting on you in an awkward way, you should clear this up first...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, put your foot in it, &quot;Are we on a date?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's not hitting on you, she will wonder how you could think that, she'll probably ask, and then you have a perfect opportunity to talk about her behaviour... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hypothesis 2: She's unaware that she annoys you. Thus this question really comes down to &quot;how to make her aware that she annoys you with minimal damage?&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Solipsism, ie &quot;everything is about me!&quot; -- she loves to talk, so she thinks you must also love to talk! This should be the reason why she doesn't realize she's interfering with your work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying it with simple adult words doesn't work, as you have noticed. Thus you should show that you are annoyed by her talking to you while you work instead of telling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the negative reinforcement part, you will have to &lt;em&gt;act&lt;/em&gt; annoyed. Shouldn't be that hard, just stop pretending you're not. Also throw in at least as much positive reinforcement, to make sure she knows you appreciate her (chat with her when you take a break, ask her if she wants to get some coffee, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggested lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;What's your emergency?&quot; Kinda my favorite. If it wasn't urgent, she'd have waited for the coffee break to discuss it instead of interrupting your work. You can tell it as a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hmm... what was I thinking? I was about to finish this but now I forgot all about it...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Constant interruptions give me headaches. See you at lunch!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Did someone post a picture of a cat on the internet?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I want to finish this. I'll help you in ten minutes, okay?&quot; Then every time she interrupts, add ten more minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T15:55:54.063" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T15:55:54.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4504" CreationDate="2017-09-24T13:21:06.287" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've lived in NYC. I had to take the subway many times. And many times I would see people whose appearance might have made me feel uncomfortable regardless of the reasons and whether rational or irrational, and whether I was stereotyping them. If someone tried to approach me and I didn't feel comfortable I would try to avoid them. There is usually police. If you feel someone, whether that vendor or someone else, is harassing you, talk to an officer. Ask for their advice but be honest with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I feel that it might be helpful to point out some things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For the past year there was this creepy-looking person selling&#xA;  newspapers. However he'd go up to people, say hello, ask them for a&#xA;  high-five. I even see people stop and talk to him.&#xA;  Then last year when I was minding my own business, he came up to me&#xA;  and asked for a high-five.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could he just be overly friendly? Perhaps you felt he was imposing this high-five on you, and he probably was, but if he is that way with everyone and some people don't mind, (they stop to talk to him or don't find him creepy), this might be an indication that he isn't going to harm you. I would worry more if this was just happening with me and nobody else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am really scared of saying &quot;no&quot; because one time when I refused&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; they got really aggressive and I almost had to call the cops&#xA;  on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who is that someone you refused? Another newspaper vendor? What does &quot;they got really aggressive&quot; mean?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And the cops here &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; say it is my fault even though I was minding&#xA;  my own business trying to catch the train to go to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where is the &lt;em&gt;here&lt;/em&gt;? In the United States? Did they actually say it or is this you worrying they might? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So for a year I reluctantly gave high-fives and acted like I was happy&#xA;  about it. This person looks like a cunning criminal type, I'm&#xA;  surprised people are so stupid to stop and waste their time with this&#xA;  person, but I digress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you felt you had to give high fives in order to feel safe and in order to be left alone, though it made you uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of these people you called stupid might not feel the same way about this vendor. HOWEVER, &lt;strong&gt;this is about how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel&lt;/strong&gt; about this vendor. And if you don't feel comfortable don't give high-fives and don't stop to talk to him (and no eye contact). Just say you are in a hurry, avoid passing by him and/or if he follows you around or bothers you, speak with an officer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:50:07.627" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:50:07.627" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4521" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4524" CreationDate="2017-09-24T14:58:51.643" Score="6" ViewCount="1453" Body="&lt;p&gt;You know the type. One who lectures everyone, disapproves of questions if they don't fit in his (very narrow) definition of the subject discussed, be it history, YA novels, cinematography, cartoons or anything else, really. Let's call him Malvolio.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give one example, Malvolio considers any criticism of an author or artist reprimandable, which really kills any discussion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ours is a volunteer organisation, each of us volunteer the hours we can and we give lectures on various subjects. Our audience consists mostly of 11-17 year olds. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself lately am quite busy and able to drop in only once in a fortnight or even just once a month, while Malvolio helps out much more frequently,  at least twice a week. It is very commendable and he means well, but, problem is, he scares away the kids. He reprimands them, makes them feel ignorant. The kids complain to us,  other tutors about this behaviour, and that his lectures are dry and uninteresting then ask questions such as &quot;'Who will be here tomorrow in our group?  If it's Mr. Malvolio, we prefer not to come.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On coffee breaks with us (there are usually 4-5 volunteers present as the kids are divided by age groups) he recommends that we should be more strict, as &quot;These kids need to be taught discipline and manners.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should we, other tutors do something about this? If yes, what exactly? Talk to him? I'd really hate to complain to the manager lady, Malvolio does so much more than most of us who have full time jobs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am Israeli, the kids in question are from different backgrounds: from Ethiopia, Russia, Middle East and so on. The kids are mainly from 'problematic families' and the goal is to keep them off the streets. Teaching them something is an added benefit. Some prefer to play football outside, which is also (mostly) okay with the manager as long as they stay with us and don't leave. The lecture subjects have to be approved by the manager, who is also present at the first lecture of new volunteers, but otherwise she's quite busy organizing (food delivery, schedules, collecting donations and so on). The lectures take place in Israel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1617" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-09-24T16:47:53.763" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T18:37:14.520" Title="How to treat a pompous person who scares away people?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;israel&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4521" CreationDate="2017-09-24T17:35:49.197" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm teaching to (roughly) 15 to 25 years old persons, so it's based on my experience that a teacher &lt;strong&gt;should always think of and do what's best for the student&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, and as you have a policy and some guidelines in your organization, I would use them in order to &lt;strong&gt;not put the blame on anyone&lt;/strong&gt;, at least at the beginning, and only if needed, and that will be the manager's duty, not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would ask your manager if you guys can all have a meeting, where you &lt;em&gt;all together&lt;/em&gt; can talk about ideas and tips that can improve the work and the relationship with the kids. Everyone will have a chance to share their thoughts and will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Important&lt;/em&gt;: it has to be a meeting for the kids' sake, not to blame anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From that, you can set a few guidelines: which books, schedule, activities, how-to's... and so on. All the good stuff that has to be done &lt;strong&gt;for the kids&lt;/strong&gt;: what they like and what they don't. You'll all have to agree to some kind of improvements. Maybe your can just talk about being nice and helpful, and someone gets the hint. Then, it might be easier to share between all volunteers, and see if someone steps out of bonds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone (manager) needs also to have fair reports, and have some checking once in a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is how I always have organized my teams (when I had one), and it worked well, &lt;em&gt;bad mind / behavior&lt;/em&gt; would always, either improve, or step aside by himself rather quickly, as they will feel like &lt;em&gt;not part of that team&lt;/em&gt;, because they wondered why they were so different from other colleagues or why kids did not appreciate them as much as others...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-24T18:37:14.520" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T18:37:14.520" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4527" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="536" CreationDate="2017-09-24T19:00:43.663" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm gonna put my finger where it hurts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue here is that the lovebirds could spend $50-70 on a motel, but they don't want to, because it's &lt;strong&gt;cheaper&lt;/strong&gt; to convince the roommate to spend the night on an uncomfortable, sweaty air mattress at a friends' place, wake up with the brains of a drooling zombie, and fail his exam.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, yeah, to answer the question, this is extremely rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even more so, considering the lovebirds presumably spent a large sum of money on transportation to see each other, but now seem strangely disinclined to spend just a little bit more...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Earplugs &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; a thing. Once properly applied, the only thing that would bother your buddy would be the mere thought of people having sex in the next room. Shudders and cold sweat! It's his problem. We all exist because people had sex. It's a fact of life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="56" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T00:28:33.870" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T00:28:33.870" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4407" CreationDate="2017-09-24T20:56:47.247" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, here is where I am coming from with this answer: I am a mother (my kids are much younger than you, though) and last year, my mother's best friend died much too young from a tobacco smoke-related cancer. Jan never smoked, but her husband was a smoker. He died fifteen years ago from lung cancer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's where I think your mother is probably coming from: &lt;strong&gt;She is scared &lt;em&gt;for you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are living with a man who is regularly engaging in an activity that you don't like, and that you both know is harmful to you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I actually worry more about the effects of tobacco.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  . . .&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  My mom has an increased concern about . . . the fact that I am a passive smoker, which is understandable. . . . Do I particularly like that he smokes? NO. But I can't make him stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are so worried about this relationship (or perhaps your boyfriend's reactions) that you would rather your mother never visit you again than communicate a fairly reasonable guest-request to him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I told her that I'd rather she never came by the house again than saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  . . .&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  If I decide to tell my boyfriend about it, how can I tell him to minimize conflict? Is there anything my mom can say next time she visits that won't make things awkward and potentially cause a fight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are significant red flags for a relationship that is both physically and emotionally unhealthy. Of course you are an adult, and are legally entitled to engage in self-destructive behavior without the interference of your parents. Your mother knows this, which is why she is couching her concern in terms of her visits rather than your relationship and living arrangements. It doesn't matter how old children get, parents are still going to worry about their well-being. That's the nature of parental love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You haven't asked for advice about your relationship, only about the specific smoking issue. With that in mind, I would suggest keeping your mother's profound love for you in the forefront of your mind as you negotiate with her. Let her know that you share her health concerns, and as a responsible adult you are working on the issue with your boyfriend for the health of all concerned. Then actually work on the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you speak to your boyfriend about this, leave your mother out of it entirely (at first). Express your concern about both your health and his. Tell him you are frightened of the long-term consequences for both of you. You love him, and want to enjoy a long and healthy life together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Watch him carefully for his reaction: Is he also concerned about your health? Does he take your concerns seriously? Is he willing to try to find a way to protect you from the consequences of his dangerous habit? If so, great! He will need to either stop smoking (best possible outcome for everyone but the tobacco companies) or start smoking outside the house only (good for you and mom, not so great for him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if he is more concerned about his &quot;right&quot; to smoke in &quot;his&quot; house than your right to breathe safe air, you will have a good idea of where you come in his priorities. At that point, you can either take steps to protect yourself or make a more limited request that he at least not smoke in the house when non-smoking guests come over. This would be a very large compromise on your part compared to him never smoking in the house (or at all), and should therefore be an easier request for him to comply with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is even unwilling to limit smoking when guests come over and you still want to remain in this relationship, go back to your mother and let her know this. Tell her that you really need her support and that you don't want to become estranged from her over this issue. You need people who care about you in your corner, and you don't want to lose her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastActivityDate="2017-09-24T20:56:47.247" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4534" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4498" CreationDate="2017-09-25T00:47:42.453" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may be looking at this wrong way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see this as a nuisance and they (including other office workers) may feel they're trying to help you become more socially active.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a possibility this woman fancies you and only you know how plausible that is.  I won't get into that in detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is you describe yourself as someone who does &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; engage in office conversations.  They (your co-workers) may feel you're actually a little shy.  They, and this woman in particular, may feel you need to be encouraged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, note that many people &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to talk and to break away from work to remain productive (many people don't understand this, but breaking away from a problem and coming back to it with a clear mind can be a great help).  Maybe you don't need that, maybe you do and don't realize it.  You may be resisting this a bit too much for your own good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really have an issue with this, maybe you should see if you can be moved to another part of the office, just a little further away from her, and see if that makes a difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The number one trick to show you are busy is to remain focused (or appear to be) on what you're doing and &lt;em&gt;do not make eye contact&lt;/em&gt; when asked a question.  Your demeanor has to show your are &quot;deeply engaged, too much to even look up at people&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T00:47:42.453" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4536" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-25T06:15:06.660" Score="8" ViewCount="1593" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I draw little caricature-doodles for fun and am decently good at it. Sometimes people ask me (very casually, not for pay or anything) to draw them. What if this person is overweight or has an obvious flaw like a big nose or acne? Should I draw that in or try to make them look attractive? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I know a really self-conscious person won't ask me to draw them in the first place, but nobody has 100% self-confidence. Do people expect me to make them look attractive even if they know they are not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if I leave off a flaw then the drawing will not resemble the person. Also not drawing in an obvious flaw will ironically highlight it because it says I've noticed it and know it is unattractive enough to modify my drawing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it considered rude to ASK such a thing?&lt;/strong&gt; Sometimes asking is considered bad like if somebody wants to know if they are fat and you respond with &quot;do you want the truth or flattery&quot;. I'm much in the same position&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok: to stick very close to the interpersonal skills guidelines, here are my official questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do I modify my drawing or not? This is an action to be taken in response to the interpersonal situation of offending somebody by highlighting their flaws.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is it rude to ask directly if I should make them more attractive?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What phrasing should I use in 2 such that the phrasing doesn't overtly say &quot;should I cover up your ugliness&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2 and 3 are subject to the person LYING to me, then magically expecting me to know how to act. Americans love to do this. So this brings me back to 1.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6427" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-30T19:34:12.847" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T19:34:12.847" Title="I do art. When people say &quot;draw me&quot;, do I include their physical appearance flaws?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;&lt;self-esteem&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-09-30T22:46:26.850" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-25T06:59:32.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It seems that they really don't care how the refuse bins have gotten empty and there's someone putting them out in the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happens a lot when living with people you don't know. Something similar happened to me last year. I was living in a building when practically all the tenants were students. Well, we didn't have shared bins, but people there had the (in my opinion) horrible habit of leaving the trash bags outside of their doors. They did this because they had to take out the trash, they didn't want to go to the street on that moment, but they didn't want the trash smelling in their apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I didn't mind this if it was only for the night, but the problem was that there were a case in which one apartment left the bag on their door for almost a week, and even kept leaving bags instead of taking them out. In that time the elevator wasn't working, so we had to take the stairs to reach our apartments, which made inevitable to pass in front of that smelly trash. It was horrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How was it solved? Someone left a note on that apartment's door, saying that the door was no place to leave the trash. That same day the bags disappeared.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in my experience, &lt;strong&gt;notes do work&lt;/strong&gt;. You can leave one on the bin, so everyone can read it, or you can go beyond that and leave one in each of their doors. This will make them feel pointed out and make them do their share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if this doesn't work, like other people said, stop doing it. Maybe when the pile of trash is big enough, they will realize that they have to do something to empty the bins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5638" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T06:59:32.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4538" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4451" CreationDate="2017-09-25T07:25:39.373" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had the same problem once, only 2 or 3 people from a block of 14 were doing this, so we put up a schedule, where each studio had a week assigned. We also created a Facebook group where things like this could be discussed without it feeling too formal. If someone was then not present in their week, they could kindly ask if they could switch weeks with someone. The system wasn't perfect, but people knew there was a system, and mostly adhered to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By creating something like the Facebook group, you are making it a group thing, whereas if you walk up to their doors, they might think of it as you vs them.&#xA;Not saying that FB is the best platform for this, but it's lighthearted and easy to use. And it can be used for other things as well, like letting the neighbors know if you're having people over late or something. I guess WhatsApp or other tools are just as good for the job. E-mails might be too formal for some people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When telling someone it's their week to put out the trash via an informal platform, emoji's can work miracles.&#xA;Consider: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dave, don't forget the trash. It's your week&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;vs:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dave, don't forget the trash. It's your week ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still get the feeling you're nagging too much? Add a GIF! &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/DMlhw.gif&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/DMlhw.gif&quot; alt=&quot;Add a GIF&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always stay friendly to your neighbors. I've seen some petty harassment going back and forth and it's not worth it. Letting them know you appreciate them doing it, and keeping things light is the way to go IMHO. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6430" LastEditorUserId="6430" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T06:03:46.987" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T06:03:46.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4539" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4536" CreationDate="2017-09-25T07:27:16.497" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Luckily since Cromwell ('warts and all') and photography you will be able to draw exactly as you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One caveat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the asker never has seen your work. At least announce that you do caricatures. When really in doubt, ask 'do you want pretty-you or real-you?'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second caveat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the subject is dismayed when looking at the result, either give it in a discrete unmarked envelope or shred it where you stand. Express your dismay &lt;em&gt;they didn't like it&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third caveat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Children. Make em &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;nice&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;To elaborate: Children have less experience and though pretty resilient can be more fragile than adults. They have less experience in life and so are less able to put a caricature in perspective. So best avoid adult cynicism and err on the side of caution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the real answer? Pay attention, follow you instincts. Have you ever had an unsatisfied customer? That will hurt, you'll have to refund.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T15:12:12.590" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T15:12:12.590" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4540" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4599" CreationDate="2017-09-25T07:37:03.127" Score="5" ViewCount="1704" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr: My hot tempered grandmother has gotten even more short fused and unpredictable with age, which has lead to conflict with my mother (who lives with her) and me (who lives abroad but calls weekly). How can I address the conflict without harming the relationship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love my grandmother. She had a great role to play as I grew up. However, as time passes, the effect of age brings issues that I find very hard to deal with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important aspects to remark are, as I see it:&#xA;- I've been living abroad for a couple of years, but I've made it a point to call home once per week (more than that is not possible due to time difference and technical constraints). My mother lives with her. I was visiting home a couple of months ago.&#xA;- Her memory fades. She remembers us and some things (like the fact that I'm abroad), but she forgets the names of things and often what we've said.&#xA;- She tends to draw dramatic consequences from prosaic events. For instance, if I call earlier than the last few times, she will assume I had an accident or something along the lines.&#xA;- She doesn't hear well, and often pretends to have understood when in fact she didn't. My mother is often nearby and helps her in such cases, and I got her some good noise-isolating headphones, but it is still a major obstacle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is often enough that I tell her about my week and reassure her whenever she has some misled fear. However, occasionally it is not. Last time I was visiting, I offered to cook sometimes (periodically, but sporadically, every Sunday for instance). It was at first welcomed and even praised, but once she decided that it meant we were forcing her to eat a specific thing and refused to eat. My mother tried to remark that it was a rude thing to do, and my grandmother entered a self-deprecating state where she claims she is a burden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just yesterday, I was in the middle of our usual conversation with my mother, after which I would normally talk to my grandmother. Apparently my mother took the call from another room as she uses to and my grandmother interpreted that as a red flag. As my mother tried to minimize the fact and explained that it was just circumstantial, my grandmother assumed we were hiding information from her and refused to take the call. After some attempt of mediation, she took it, rudely asked for news and left after a minute. I was absolutely confused and couldn't think of anything to keep her on the phone for longer. My mother also reproached her behaviour this time, remarking that her (my grandmother's) words may be hurtful for us, who love her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to understand all the complexity that comes with age, and hope to find a way to reduce the stress and anxiety on my grandmother. However, this is passing a toll on my mother's nerves and mine. We don't know how to address these scenarios and whenever they come they ruin everyone's mood and peace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, finally, my question is:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;How could my mother and I prevent these reactions from my grandmother from escalating, ideally while also preventing them to happen often in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 1: As requested in the comments, I update the question to remark that it has been a problem for years and, throughout that time, her doctors have dismissed the situation as &quot;normal for her age&quot; and never pointer to Alzheimer's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6431" LastEditorUserId="6431" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T07:16:34.810" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T12:09:13.193" Title="Addressing conflict in interaction with old grandmother" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;age&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="536" CreationDate="2017-09-25T07:52:10.767" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would it have been rude for him to be more assertive and continue to ask his friend to leave for the night?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation you described is a bit complicated to give a simple answer to that question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that in some part, yes, it is somewhat rude, because your friend's roommate has the right to sleep in his room. When he agreed to let the room to your friend, he was doing him a favor because he didn't really mind, but he has no obligation to comply if something bigger comes up (an exam is pretty big). He was doing that &lt;strong&gt;just as a favor&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But on the other hand, he had an agreement with your friend. It must feel very unfair to have to redo the plans when everything was agreed. It was not your friend's fault that the exam was that day when they had already have their agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as I said in the beginning, in the end the roommate was doing them a favor. He can't be blamed for wanting to sleep in his room before an exam. It is very unlucky to have to rearrange, but I believe that your friend and his girlfriend should have had a backup plan for that case. Two weeks is a fair amount of time to put the backup plan to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5638" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T09:00:03.047" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T09:00:03.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="536" CreationDate="2017-09-25T09:13:53.267" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Asking someone to not sleep in their own bed is asking for a favor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Insisting on it is being an ass (unless there's a real reason, such as the building being on fire).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Withdrawing a promised favor with 2 weeks advance notice and a proper reason is being nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Blaming or shaming the person who gracefully offered a favor but then &lt;em&gt;had&lt;/em&gt; to withdraw it (giving 2 weeks notice and having a proper reason), is being an ass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The socially correct solution would have been for the lovers to use these 2 weeks to adjust their plans for the romantic get together and pay for a nice room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T09:13:53.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4545" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4551" CreationDate="2017-09-25T09:20:02.137" Score="-4" ViewCount="729" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm working in the enterprise SaaS equivalent of gym memberships. The client knows they should use it because it's good for them (earns them $$$), and once they get into the swing of it, they enjoy it. But, despite my best efforts at UX, the subject matter is inherently dry for creatives, and if they get distracted or in a rut, they're prone to stop &quot;going to the gym&quot;. As the &quot;personal trainer&quot; I have to remain vigilant at keeping everyone happy and motivated or I lose clients ... hence the interpersonal relationship skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some clients don't pay their bills on time, and the system automatically cuts access to the profitable parts (along with a courtesy email to their accounting department and account manager). Once a month or so a user emails me and says (paraphrasing the tone) &quot;I can't get access to my data because the account's overdue. I'm trying to get work done and this makes it difficult. Can you restore access please?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(For context, at the moment I'm replying something like &quot;&lt;em&gt;Sorry, it cuts you off automatically when the account is overdue. I've restored access. [Name of acct manager in copy], has the invoice been processed? By which date can we expect payment?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can anyone give me an explanation of the attitude of these users, and offer a strategy of what I could say or how I could behave to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Increase the probability of being paid on time, while concurrently;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;making these users happier through those actions (i.e. avoiding &quot;coercing&quot; compliance with payment terms through punishments. I can think of plenty of coercive things I could do, but they would decrease user happiness).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The clients in question are generally from Latin European countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6438" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T10:20:37.820" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:17:08.900" Title="How to get clients to pay their bills and still be happy?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-25T09:20:19.970" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Flowers should be fine in this context. Flowers are a common decorative item for a home. It is hard to see how in this context they would be interpreted as contributing to patriarchy or problematic aspects of patriarchal culture, especially as there are two of you and you give them to everyone in a similar situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a feminist I sometimes give flowers to my girlfriend. She likes them. That's all there is to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3188" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T09:20:19.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4547" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-25T09:21:25.007" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T09:21:25.007" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T09:21:25.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4548" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-25T09:21:25.007" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T09:21:25.007" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T09:21:25.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-25T09:31:56.473" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends what kind of feminist you're talking about. If you're talking about a person who loves to make everything a gender problem, is easily offended, and also happens to be a woman, you may be in trouble regardless what you decide to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're talking about the kind of person who's concerned about unequal pay, maternity/paternity leave, career opportunities, etc, you're fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But above that, there are 2 other important questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does she like flowers?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What kind of flowers does she like?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you ask these. If she takes offense, be prepared to tell her that an anonymous straight male on the internet (that would be myself) has been asked the same questions before, and didn't take offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T18:06:33.150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T18:06:33.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="986" CreationDate="2017-09-25T09:46:56.483" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how do I ask someone to stop wasting water like this without sounding rude or hurting their feelings (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to &lt;em&gt;actually ask&lt;/em&gt; and respect your colleagues response. I suggest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Excuse me, I notice that you are leaving the water running while soaping up. Conserving water is very important to me. Would you be&#xA;willing to close the tap?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it clear &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you are asking. It allows your colleague to understand your wish and respects their autonomy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be open to their response: Your colleague might have good reasons to leave the water running.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An alternative to making the request to close the tap could be to ask for information: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;I see that you are leaving the tap running while using soap, and it makes me feel (sad/angry/upset/irritated) because conserving water is dear to me. Would you be willing to let me know why you are not closing the tap?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you understand why they act like they do, you may then proceed to making your request, if it still applies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6015" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T09:46:56.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4545" CreationDate="2017-09-25T10:11:14.983" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Positive Reinforcement&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their goal = staying fit, healthy, happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal = Their goal + getting paid on time/loose the hassle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Set specific workout/fitness/on-time payment goals, increase prices, offer discounts when workout/fitness/on-time payment goals are met. If all goals - including the on-time payment goal - are met, discounts ensure the price is exactly what it used to be before you increased the prices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6282" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T10:11:14.983" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2017-09-25T10:50:10.230" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I commented to your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Curious, what does your girlfriend do if she is alone? What are her hobbies?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You answered (The first part of it was targeted at the other dude):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes she learns for school, or she has training or&#xA;  chills with her family or friends. And on some rare occasions she just&#xA;  sits on her bed, watches TV and plays with her phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So why don't you jump into a few of her games? Let it be something &lt;strong&gt;active&lt;/strong&gt;. For example, do some sport together. Choose a sport you both really like. Deepdiving, FKK, Bungee jumping, whatever. If in doubt: You come first! Why? The idea is not to do something for her but to do something &lt;strong&gt;with&lt;/strong&gt; her. Fun for you &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt;, not just for her. If she says: &quot;no, I don't want to do anything of that&quot;, say: &quot;ok, I go alone&quot;. And once you are alone you can decide if you want to actually go there or if you play video games instead. She had her chance to actively participate, she refused, her problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two possible outcomes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You two have new things you love to do together. Fun. Can you find more?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She doesn't want to do these things and stays at her home (not at yours). This means undisturbed time for yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases the situation improves, at least it becomes more honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't have to be sport. Play Playstation, watch movies, visit events – game conventions, sport events, etc – as long as it is something you both can do together without having to talk all the time. Make a list of such things. Write it down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having to &lt;em&gt;constantly&lt;/em&gt; give attention to each other is a win-lose situation in my opinion, if not lose-lose. Together giving attention to &lt;strong&gt;things, beings, events, ideas&lt;/strong&gt;, is a win-win situation – if both like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, to share interests is necessary for a life long partnership.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6411" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T16:10:40.537" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T16:10:40.537" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4555" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-25T12:38:28.453" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This tag can be used for questions about a behaviour that is respectful and considerate of other people. Since it is a culturally defined phenomenon, therefore what is considered polite in one culture can sometimes be quite rude or simply eccentric in another cultural context. So, a cultural tag such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-states&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-states&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-states&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; should be used with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T09:32:52.480" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T09:32:52.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4556" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-25T12:38:28.453" Score="0" Body="Questions where acting with consideration, tact, deference, or courtesy is important. Include other tags for cultural context! For questions regarding someone else being rude, use the &quot;rudeness&quot; tag instead." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-03-14T21:52:56.880" LastActivityDate="2020-03-14T21:52:56.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4557" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-25T12:41:07.647" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T12:41:07.647" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T12:41:07.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4558" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-25T12:41:07.647" Score="0" Body="Courtesy is a behavior marked by polished manners or respect for others. Whenever a courteous and respectful act or expression is used or needed." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T12:53:12.680" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T12:53:12.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4545" CreationDate="2017-09-25T12:59:08.717" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some clients don't pay their bills on time, and the system automatically cuts access to the profitable parts (along with a courtesy email to their accounting department and account manager).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How is this email worded? Do the clients/users receive it, or only the accounting department?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Has the user been warned that they will be cut off from the service?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple solution would be: when payment is overdue, send a friendly reminder first, both to accounting and to the actual user. Then, wait two weeks, send another reminder, and only cut off service after say, a few days later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should leave them enough time to either pay themselves or remember accounting to do it. This also makes sure they won't have an unpleasant surprise when their service is cut, since they've been warned...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reaction you don't want is &quot;Damn, this thing doesn't work!&quot; but the reaction you want is &quot;Damn, we forgot to pay!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The error page should also mention something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Please make sure your spam filter is set to accept the two warning emails we sent you in the previous weeks, in order to avoid further inconvenience.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:17:08.900" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:17:08.900" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4560" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:33:08.777" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:33:08.777" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:33:08.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4561" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:33:08.777" Score="0" Body="When the question is about someone's personal matters or relationships, and that they want to keep secret." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:56:56.047" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:56:56.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4562" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:35:29.263" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:35:29.263" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:35:29.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4563" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:35:29.263" Score="0" Body="When someone is hurt or frightened by someone who is bigger or more powerful, and is trying to force them to do something that they do not want to do." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:56:51.527" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:56:51.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4564" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:37:28.613" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:37:28.613" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:37:28.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4565" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:37:28.613" Score="0" Body="When someone is discussing something with another person or group in order to reach an agreement with them." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:53:33.937" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:53:33.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4566" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:38:39.853" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:38:39.853" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:38:39.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4567" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:38:39.853" Score="0" Body="When the question is related to the belief and confidence in your own ability and value." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:46:54.277" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:46:54.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4568" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:41:01.153" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:41:01.153" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:41:01.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4569" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:41:01.153" Score="0" Body="The use of remarks that clearly mean the opposite of what they say. Is often used in order to hurt someone's feelings or to criticize something in a humorous way." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:56:39.800" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:56:39.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4570" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:43:39.487" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T14:43:39.487" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T14:43:39.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4571" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-25T14:43:39.487" Score="0" Body="A often recurring behaviour that annoys or upsets someone." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T15:12:49.890" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T15:12:49.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2353" CreationDate="2017-09-25T15:21:42.627" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice's one of the most selfish, arrogant and disdainful people I've ever met. Her words and gestures carry the highest level of lack of respect I've seen in one's behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds narcissistic to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she's not, as she thinks, the best person in the world, the only one that Earth is worth feeding, with such a good taste, and the only one who knows perfectly how it works and how things should be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh yes, definitely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;FP is 100% with me and will let me handle it my way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;GF thinks her mother's the best on earth, nothing wrong with her...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would bet that when GF is present, Mother-In-Law-From-Hell is all sweetness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rational argumentation and logic have a low chance of success, because (read the following using Dolores Ubridge's voice): She's always right. She's trying to help! It's just that your tastes really are &lt;em&gt;that bad&lt;/em&gt;, and you need to be &lt;em&gt;educated&lt;/em&gt;... She can deflect any argument using this logic. She can also say &quot;Oh no, I would never behave like that!&quot; (and she probably believes it, too). If you say that the clients and everyone else who walks into your office loves the place, the problem is simply that they're all wrong, and really, everyone should listen to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway: what really happens during your interactions is that she attempts to assert control and dominance over you. If you let her annoy you without applying a proper counter, she's your daddy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ultimate weapon against a narcissist is &lt;strong&gt;contempt&lt;/strong&gt;. They're the center of the world... and you simply don't give a damn... Boom, it's like kryptonite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This efficiently dodges her &quot;I'm always right&quot; argument. Maybe she's right. You don't care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time she lectures you about your lack of taste in office decoration, just put your hand on her shoulder, and while looking at her in the eyes without flinching, just say the magic words: &quot;You know, in fact, I don't really care what you think.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering the description you make of her character, you should find it in you to do it. I suspect you will have fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can add &quot;My office, my rules.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, she will NOT like it. There will be fireworks. Keep repeating &quot;Nope. Still don't give a damn.&quot; to anything she says (unless she switches the subject to actual interesting conversation, of course). If you feel extra evil, offer a glass of water when her face goes purple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tried and tested on a real-life narcissist mother-in-law during a family dinner: it works. Her father was my instant buddy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the funniest thing is that the next day, she didn't even hold a grudge. She simply flagged me as someone she can't exert control over, and went seeking easier victims.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T15:21:42.627" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4573" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-25T16:36:43.810" Score="26" ViewCount="10318" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m a graduate working in another industry than the one I studied for my BA, so I’m undertaking lots of external training relevant to my job. I've been studying quite hard and have been doing really well in the exams. Sometimes a co-worker will ask how I’ve performed in the exam and usually I try to answer vaguely because I don’t want them to think I’m showing off, and also to avoid the awkward question that usually follows, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4425/how-do-i-respond-when-an-acquaintance-asks-if-im-smart&quot;&gt;“Wow, you must be really smart!”&lt;/a&gt; In university I would have been fine saying something like, “I did fine,” or “Well, I passed!” and people wouldn’t tend to pry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I find that people in work tend to keep asking until I tell them the specific grade, and then I feel like I’ve created even more of a fuss by being purposely avoidant. On the other hand, if I try to be straightforward from the start and tell them my score outright, I end up feeling like I’m bragging (especially because I’m trying &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to, and can never figure out if I should smile/look neutral, etc. and in my discomfort I may end up reverting to aloofness).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I’m wondering, what’s the best way to answer questions about my grades to avoid sounding arrogant, or inviting further comments about my intelligence? &#xA;For context, I'm in Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2244" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T14:55:05.617" Title="How to divulge good exam results without coming across as bragging?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4574" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4573" CreationDate="2017-09-25T17:14:04.757" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you mentioned, if you avoid saying your actual score/grade and they pry enough for you to have to say your score, it will look like you think you're smart. It will look like you are acting like you know more than them or that they needn't undermine your abilities. People always tend to assume that you knew you were going to tell them your scores and you wanted to build it up before you told it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell them your score off the bat. The best way to do that without coming off as conceited is to undermine yourself. Not act like you're dumb and then tell them your high score. That will be worse. But start the sentence off with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Surprisingly, I got an A+&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Act like you're shocked about how well you've done in the test. Make them feel like you didn't expect yourself to perform so well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this only can work so many times. After that, it will go back to: &amp;quot;Yeah OK, we get it. You're smart&amp;quot;. So after a while, after you tell them your (high) score, move to something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've taken a few tests in this field now, so I am getting slightly better at this. I'm glad these classes are working out so well for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few times of saying this, again, you need to change your tone a little bit. Go to something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know, having taken so many tests in this field, I expected to score more than an A, but I guess the difficulty goes up as I go through more tests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once they've adequately understood that you are capable of doing well in tests, you can be straight up factual to them. Like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Got an A+ in my test. I'm glad I'm still doing well in my tests and haven't lost interest in these classes yet. I usually get tired of tests but this subject has really kindled my interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your first sentence, you could use a few variations so that you can delay the second phase a little bit. Here are a few examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My teacher is amazing! He practically got us an A+.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The test was hard, but I studied the right things and took a lot of notes in my classes. It came a long way in helping me get this A.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stayed up all night the past week so I can make absolutely sure I do well in this test! It paid off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was worried if I got a lot of the answers wrong, but thankfully, I didn't. This subject is still a bit confusing for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the questions are not exactly as I studied them to be, I get thrown off. Luckily, I had questions that I expected to have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling someone you scored high in a test in itself doesn't make you conceited. It is all about how you tell them you got a good grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, always add a tiny little sentence that gives the person an opportunity to &amp;quot;share their wisdom&amp;quot; with you. This makes it look like you're still down-to-earth and not on your high horse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T17:14:04.757" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4573" CreationDate="2017-09-25T17:24:35.297" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally when people ask you questions, they don't so much want an objective fact as your reaction to that fact. Therefore, if you got a very high mark, say 98%, you might reply to &quot;how did you do on the exam?&quot; with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;better than I'd hoped, actually! I'm very happy with it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it went great, I studied very hard and got the mark I wanted&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;oh, it was really hard, and I actually fell a little short of the goal I set myself, but I will be ok with the mark that I got&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You'll notice you could give exactly the same 3 responses to a mark of just 1% above that required for a pass.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be rude, in my North American culture, for someone to continue to press and say something like &quot;but what number did you get?&quot; If someone were to ask, I would be fine saying &quot;oh, I don't like to share numbers, it often leads to hard feelings&quot; and then coming back again to the emotional content of the conversation such as really feeling rewarded for all the work I put in studying, or really feeling lucky that so many of the questions covered areas I had prepared on, and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T17:24:35.297" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4573" CreationDate="2017-09-25T18:34:18.450" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally I find deceit in interactions like this generally backfires, so I tend to be as straightforward as I can be. Don't bother worrying about whether you sound like you're boasting; don't lie and pretend you think you're worse than you are; don't act cagey about revealing your score. Just tell things how they are. There's nothing illegal or unfriendly about being qualified or skilled (and being seen so).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this is a lot easier if you have a plan for a follow-through; I usually treat &quot;what score did you get&quot; as a conversation starter rather than a literal inquiry for data. Talk about how the things you've learned have changed you, your plans, or your perspective. So:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Oh, I did really well, I got 98%. This earth sciences stuff is crazy cool! Did you know that there are naturally-formed nuclear reactors where fission material just happens to be under the right pressure and temperature to sustain a reaction?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've been trying a &quot;steady studying&quot; diet where I avoid all-nighters and study a fixed amount every day instead, and I think it really paid off. It's gotten me thinking about these crazy crushes we've been getting ourselves into on Project X, you know? Maybe we should be pushing back against management on those big last-minute changes!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Oh, yeah, I've really been in flow on learning cryptography. With all the extra credit I ended up over 100%. I'm really glad I'm in that class, too, it's given me a great idea about how to fix the security holes in our Candy Crush app so people can't send the servers faulty scores. You want to hear the protocol I have in mind and see if you can punch any holes in it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My wife's best friend's cousin's roommate speaks French as their first language, and I've been having them over every weekend to practice with me. I ended up nailing the test, plus I'm making a friend. We're going bowling this weekend and she's going to teach me sports lingo.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I got a 98%! The way they've been teaching geometry has been pretty abstract, but I've been finding ways to relate it to my woodworking hobby to ground it for myself. I've really started appreciating the cleverness of some of the old-fashioned nail-less joints in Japanese architecture. Let me show you something cool on this whiteboard over here.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6458" LastEditorUserId="6458" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T18:39:51.363" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T18:39:51.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4573" CreationDate="2017-09-25T21:01:17.600" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;When your coworkers ask you about a test, they're genuinely interested in how you did. There's no need to be afraid of coming off as being haughty. You can just answer them directly! You can even be happy when you tell them - they'll likely be happy with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is something that's taken me a while to learn. I had some rough experiences in college, and for a while, when friends asked me about what had happened, I tried to give indirect answers because I didn't want them to feel like I was dumping my problems onto them. But they asked me because they truly wanted to know, and they were reasonable people fully capable of deciding how to handle my news for themselves. So I eventually learned to answer the questions people asked me honestly and frankly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Earning high marks on a test isn't a negative experience, of course, so our situations are comparable only in a limited sense, but I believe the same principle applies: Answering your coworker's questions about your scores honestly is very respectful, not a way of showing off, because they wouldn't have asked if they didn't care about you as a person enough to truly want to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your coworker responds by saying, &quot;Wow, you're really smart!&quot; they're not indicating that you're intimidating them or showing off. They're giving you a compliment and celebrating with you. Please feel free to enjoy the compliment. Saying thank you without getting self-conscious shows that you're confident and friendly, but not at all arrogant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This only works when your coworkers approach you about your scores first. Bragging about your scores without being asked does come off as cocky. But I don't think you're at risk of doing that if you're this shy about sharing your scores already :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2672" LastEditorUserId="2672" LastEditDate="2017-09-25T21:08:13.053" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T21:08:13.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4578" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4573" CreationDate="2017-09-25T21:54:41.803" Score="6" Body="&lt;h1&gt;An analogy to working...&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My 2¢.. being coy about your grade seems more like a humblebrag than just being straightforward. I felt this way when got my first professional job, and all my buddies were still working temp jobs. People would ask me &quot;what're you up to these days?&quot; and I'd feel weird telling them where I work knowing they were still at McDonalds or something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually I realized how this came across as arrogant, because I was projecting my feeling of superiority over their life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In reality I know plenty of people who would probably prefer working at a fast food restaurant (ect..) to what I do. I know a lot of people who are just still working towards finishing their degrees &lt;em&gt;(I was very fortunate to have my college paid for)&lt;/em&gt;. I know people who frankly don't care what they do for work, as long as it pays enough to afford rent. I know people who are more concerned with making as much money as possible even if they hate what they do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My job does not make me superior to anyone. It's something that I am personally proud of because it is something I worked hard to get, and being proud of your achievements is perfectly acceptable (so long as you're not insufferable).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6467" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T21:54:41.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4498" CreationDate="2017-09-25T22:53:31.790" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Smile, and say &quot;Hey, I'm in the middle of something.  We'll catch up later.&quot;  If she comes back, tell her you're still in the middle of something, let's grab a coffee at [time of &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; choice; eg. 3pm, quitting time, in the morning].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, make it clear (without elaborate phrasing) that you don't want to talk now, but you want to talk at another time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T22:53:31.790" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4152" CreationDate="2017-09-25T23:27:54.570" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep the receipt.  Give it to him with his food, smile, and tell him it was X dollars (or favored local currency).  If he doesn't take the hint, tell him you won't buy his lunch anymore.  Next time you're in line, tell him to slide you some money.  If he doesn't, &lt;strong&gt;don't bring him any food&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-25T23:27:54.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4584" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3103" CreationDate="2017-09-26T01:08:19.273" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do this all the time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my country (US), not only is it polite, it's standard protocol.  Exchanging names is &lt;em&gt;the&lt;/em&gt; basic social nicety.  It's all kinds of normal to offer a handshake and say, &quot;I'm dbza, pleased to meet you.&quot;  It'd be a rare bird who wouldn't reciprocate with his own name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T04:37:47.700" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T04:37:47.700" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4585" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3049" CreationDate="2017-09-26T01:17:50.690" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend a gentle smile and murmur &quot;I lucked out; high metabolism&quot;.  Then &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt; move on to talk about something more interesting.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean, it's kind of general conversation advice here ... if you don't like the subject on the table, change the subject!  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T01:17:50.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2137" CreationDate="2017-09-26T01:29:08.910" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm ... how about &quot;Hey X, would you like to weigh in on this?&quot;  That is, &lt;strong&gt;ask them&lt;/strong&gt; if they want to give their thoughts.  If they don't, then let it be; it's too bad for the shy or apathetic one, because he'll be less likely to get what he wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T01:29:08.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4152" CreationDate="2017-09-26T01:31:16.457" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a fairly simple solution: Everyone orders and pays on their own. If he ask you to order for him, just decline and tell him, &quot;Everyone is ordering for themselves today. At least I am.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he insists, tell him that you will ask for reimbursement as soon as you get the check.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T01:31:16.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-09-26T01:36:09.040" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing to note ... if you give them &quot;The Speech&quot; about why you don't like social media, that may get people's back up (subconsciously) and make them want to justify social media to you.  So, cast it as personal preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I tried it, just didn't like it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I've got too much on my plate.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;It just doesn't float my boat.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will often accept answers like that &lt;em&gt;which don't challenge the premise of their much-liked hobby&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T01:36:09.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1023" CreationDate="2017-09-26T01:59:39.403" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If anyone ever rolls his eyes or snarks about your love of self-help books, just grin and say, &quot;I like 'em; they're fun!&quot;  If these are friends or friendly types, you might segue into a disaster story -- what's the &lt;em&gt;worst&lt;/em&gt; self-help book you've ever read?  Might make a good story...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:  Have been asked to expand a bit&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have actually been in a similar situation.  I have some self-help books on the shelf, and you know how guests are; like puppies, they just have to poke around.  So I did get called out on having self-help books (&quot;Self-help books Akaioi, &lt;em&gt;really?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;), and said just what I've recommended above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That actually morphed into a quite interesting discussion.  What exactly is the boundary between self-help, good advice, and philosophy?  How long does such a book have to marinate before it gets enough gravitas; at one point the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius was in its first edition ... was it &quot;just some crappy self-help book&quot; for the first century or two?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main point I'm making here is that you shouldn't feel bad or embarrassed about having these books, or talking about them.  Whoever wrote them is clearly at least trying to think deeply about the human condition, and betimes they get a hit.  Above all, &lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; your hobbies.  No shame!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="6468" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T02:11:55.070" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T02:11:55.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4592" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4594" CreationDate="2017-09-26T02:09:21.953" Score="19" ViewCount="6912" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short Version:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a budding friendship with a coworker, but recently said something incredibly stupid that has left them feeling justifiably hurt.  While I think it would be best to give them time, I am about to go on extended work leave and feel that if I don't try to resolve the issue now, the friendship will completely wither and die by the time I return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Long Version:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a married man dealing with some personal issues, foremost among them is a lack of a proper support network of friends to talk to about the stress in my life.  I have been trying to proactively get involved with new people through work so that I may eventually develop the kind of friendship(s) I need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Foremost among those I have begun to develop some comfort with regarding person topics is a female coworker.   She is part of a larger crowd I have been going out for drinks with for the last few weeks.  The other evening at such an outing, I noticed a conspicuous simultaneous absence of her and another male coworker.  After she left, I made the regrettable choice to send a text asking if something was going on there, with a &quot;good for you&quot; vibe.  This was a poor choice in and of itself, and justifiable anger resulted.  My immediate apology included the phrase &quot;I only wished to let you know I am okay with whatever&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What makes it particularly horrific is I did not realize that male coworker was married.  My choice of phrasing things has thus taken on a much darker meaning, suggesting that I might be looking for similar attention.  This was not my intent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally I think it best to let tensions cool, but given the magnitude of the error, I left a follow-up apology by text the next day when I realized this.  I explained that I would never wish to imply she was playing with married men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although she is a coworker in the broad sense, I don't work with her directly.  It has now been two days without any contact.  I will go on extended leave in two more days.  She probably doesn't realize the exact date my leave starts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that things are pretty bleak here in general.  The only silver-linings is that she already knows I am a social idiot who doesn't really know how to approach friendship.  This is something we had discussed previously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What approach regarding timing is the least-bad option?  Should I attempt to talk to her (at work!) about the issue before I leave, or should let it be? I have also considered recruiting a mutual friend (more hers than mine) as a proxy to initiate conversation, but that has its own complications.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She texted me, apparently we are talking again.  I am as surprised as anyone.  Thanks for all of the advice from everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6471" LastEditorUserId="6471" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T17:52:38.110" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T13:28:43.183" Title="Dealing with a wait-and-see situation when you have a time constraint" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="825" CreationDate="2017-09-26T02:24:54.983" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a little torn here...  On the one hand you are free to speak however you damn well please.  On the other hand, you will annoy a number of people by affecting an accent that you didn't come by the &quot;usual way&quot;.  Hardly fair, but true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tangentially relevant story... I've lived in different parts of the US and Spain, so my English and Spanish, while usually &quot;default&quot;, often have particular expressions or sounds sneak in when I'm not looking.  For instance, if I'm asked a question and am musing on the answer, my &quot;well...&quot; often comes out quite Southern, and some 2.5 syllables.  ;D  And don't get me started on my hybrid Castilian/Andalusian lingo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So where does that leave us?  I'm going to have to -- reluctantly -- advise a bit of caution.  Is there anything more annoying than those guys who pretend to be Aussies in bars to pick up gals?  Recommendation:  give yourself a tinge of Appalachia only, and save its full fury for special occasions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T02:24:54.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4592" CreationDate="2017-09-26T02:28:49.897" Score="34" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;While I think it would be best to give them time, I am about to go on extended work leave and feel that if I don't try to resolve the issue now, the friendship will completely wither and die by the time I return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your first instinct is correct. Give her time and space. You apologized. The ball is in her court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she wants a friendship with you, she'll either contact you (&quot;Haven't seen you in a while. You ok?&quot;) or resume the friendship when you come back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But repeatedly apologizing and expecting an answer from someone who doesn't want to talk to you will seem like harassment, and co-opting a friend of hers will resemble stalking and/or manipulation, adding insult to injury.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You made a mistake. It was, you need to admit, kind of a creepy one. Maybe she doesn't feel safe right now; maybe she has other reasons for staying out of contact. Showing her some respect cannot possibly hurt your friendship if you still have one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't hear from her during your extended leave, apologize again next time you &lt;em&gt;run into her&lt;/em&gt; (it's probably best that you not seek her out) and see what happens. Hopefully she will come to see the awkwardness of the text as amusing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T02:28:49.897" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="355" CreationDate="2017-09-26T03:00:41.420" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;How about something like, &quot;This is a bigger issue than we're going to resolve today; let's move on to [something, blessedly &lt;strong&gt;anything&lt;/strong&gt; else]&quot;.  I've used this before and was happy with results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing to consider is whether you are trying to close the discussion for all time, or just for now.  When you get down to it, most of these kind of disagreements are built on top of emotionally-held &lt;em&gt;axioms&lt;/em&gt; which are not really amenable to debate.  We've gracefully shut down many pointless debates by pointing out when my colloquator [1] and I actually uncover which of these axioms we hold differently.  That's when you shake hands, tip your hat, and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[1]  Spell check doesn't think that &quot;colloquator&quot; is a word, but dammit it should be&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T03:00:41.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4350" CreationDate="2017-09-26T03:13:52.027" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience &quot;feminist&quot; falls into one of two categories. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Normal person with pro-female views. Likes to advance feminist agendas and so on. Saying that &quot;she is a feminist&quot; is not much more different then saying she is a republican, christian, activist for dogs/cats, or other interest. In this case flowers should be well received and appreciated. Stay with the &quot;Thank You&quot; flowers and you should be find. It's hard for anyone not to appreciate flowers.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Total wack job that hates any and everything that may have at one time come in contact with, had a, or seen a penis. These people are crazy and give real feminists a very bad name. Every group has there &quot;sub group&quot; that takes it to far and if your host is in that (sub)group. Then I honestly suggest bringing nothing. There is no telling what logic could be used to take offense at a gift. Flowers are for girls (a sexist view any way) and so your making a statement. If you bring wine then your trying something else cause wine bottles are phallic or some such thing. Again the people in this group are just impossible to please, and they manage to give more &quot;legit&quot; feminists a bad name (if fact it's probably what made you think you needed to ask this question).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good news is there are actually very few people in group 2. They are there but it's not likely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other side of the coin, you didn't get flowers because she wasn't a man. You got flowers because it's your go to &quot;thanks for having us over&quot; gift. If your friend can't understand that, then she really isn't your friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T03:13:52.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4045" CreationDate="2017-09-26T08:24:23.587" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to the many good answers given already, I found that in general straight honesty goes a long way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Near the beginning of your presentation, after introducing yourself and the topic, add one simple slide with an appropriate phones-off symbol and tell the audience that while you understand they may have various reasons to use their phones during the presentation, you find it highly distracting and irritating, even rude. You will assume that anyone who uses their phones during your talk is aware of that and thus has an important reason. You kindly request that anyone who doesn't have pressing issues that force their attention to the phone please give their attention to you, as you are giving yours to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The psychological effect you are aiming at is reciprocity - you point out that you are there for them, and ask them to do the same for you. At the same time you acknowledge that there may be exceptions and important reasons for phone use, pre-empting such arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T08:24:23.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4540" CreationDate="2017-09-26T08:38:05.190" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Setting senile dementia aside (which may as well be the case here, but I'm no doctor), she may also be depressed (or distressed). You cannot do much about her behavior if she suffers from Alzheimer's or dementia (except providing her medication of course), but you could do things to ease her confusion and make her happier and less aggressive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get her to the doctor and buy her appropriate hearing aids. This way she will not feel irritated from not being able to hear properly and she'll at least &lt;strong&gt;hear&lt;/strong&gt; your discussions clearly and will be able to communicate better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get her to the doctor for general health checks so you know if there is an underlying problem you are not aware of (my grandmother had mini strokes and we didn't figure out until she had a major one).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell your mother to allow her/assign her tasks she can handle, so she'll feel useful and not a burden as she now thinks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your mother should also take her for walks often or even to the movies or theater - staying home for too long may depress her and make her even more fearful of going outside or suspicious of strangers.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give your mother as much emotional support as you can (given you are now away). If needed, you and your mother could hire help, at least every once in a while, so your mother could rest a bit, have alone time and do things for herself. Taking care of disabled people can be very stressful and make things tense between them, so it may bring out a vicious cycle of arguments.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words: keep your loving grandmother healthy, entertained and busy - this is what everyone needs regardless of their age, the only difference is that an old person may need more health checks. We also tend to remove responsibilities from them because we think they cannot accomplish as fast or as efficiently as us, but this can hurt their confidence and leave them feeling useless. Last but not least, this is a matter that needs a lot of patience, which I think you'll have given you love your grandmother so much. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T11:19:13.053" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T11:19:13.053" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3636" CreationDate="2017-09-26T09:06:42.110" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;The situation &lt;em&gt;seems&lt;/em&gt; intractable - and the cause, in my opinion, is that there are cultural differences between your cousin and his wife. &lt;strong&gt;It is not intractable&lt;/strong&gt;; these challenges can and should be faced upfront.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In India, in my experience, as well as China and other parts of Asia, it is very common for hosts to cook and clean and pamper their guests. In much of Asia, this is considered &quot;treating your guests well&quot;. When I visit Asia as an American (every year for the past 5+ years) I find still find &quot;being treated well&quot; to be very insulting. I can't do my own laundry, cook, clean, or contribute in any way to my in-laws house; as an American, it makes feel that they treat me as though I am mentally disabled or otherwise deficient. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife, who is Asian, has the opposite experience on visiting my parents. A guest being &quot;treated well&quot; in my family means that they open their whole house to her - she can cook and eat what she wants, and is welcome to join when we clean and cook together. Of course, she feels uncomfortable that she has to prepare her own breakfast, and that to be polite means that we should help clean the kitchen / common areas if we are visiting for an extended period of time. It makes her feel unwelcome, even though it is 100% treating a guest well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I feel unwelcome visiting her Asian family because they don't let me clean and cook with them, and she feels unwelcome because she can cook and clean. We're pretty young too, so in theory we are adaptable. But it still is very difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your cousin and his wife need to make certain that his mom has space in the USA to feel comfortable - so when cousin's MIL comes over to your cousin's residence, she needs to exhibit common decency. If your Aunt has space that is her own where she feels safe and secure, this will go a long way towards healing these problems, and give your Aunt the space it takes to adjust to a different culture and develop her graciousness.  It is no small task to move from India to the US, and she needs personal space to allow herself to be secure. To achieve this, both cousin and his wife need to tell MIL/FIL that while your Aunt is in the US, that they needs to take steps to help her adjust, and that ridiculing her about the cat can cause significant friction your counsin's marriage. They also need to know the stakes - that disowning a parent or divorce are bad, and they must help.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that your cousin's mother will always be uncomfortable while she is in the USA because the manners for guests are radically different than India. I suggest that you tell her that she must learn to accept that guest/host manners are different in both countries. And when she says it is impossible to adapt, let her know that her long-term presence will lead to long term friction for her son's life. As it seems likely that her son will stay in the USA, and her grandchildren will be raised here, she will need to face this challenge as an adult. As your cousin should already have told her this, She will also need to hear this from you or even better, a confidant (her brother or sister, your parent? maybe a religious figure in the US that she can consult?). If she cannot develop some level of tolerance, there is a chance that your cousin will either disown her or end up divorced. Both of these situations are horrible, and she needs to be made aware of these risks.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your cousin and his wife, living in the US, have a responsibility to put their marriage and their relationship &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt;. Both sets of parents have a responsibility to ensure that their children have a functioning marriage - and this thrust can only come from this your cousin and his wife. They need to let both sets of parents know that their new role in taking care of their children is to &lt;em&gt;make sure that they grow in their relationship&lt;/em&gt;. While the marriage relationship has drastically different meanings in these two cultures, both parents must shift their role as parents to this new mode.  Of course, parents the whole world over have problems seeing their children as anything but kindergartners. This is why your cousin and his wife need to push and respectfully fight with both sets of parents.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your cousin and his wife instead of focusing on reducing friction, need to focus on making certain that everybody heals after each fight to build authentic relationships. His mother and his wife will need to work to build expectations about their relationship, just as he has built a relationship with his mother in law. These 5 months are critical in this regard. Your Aunt needs to accept a drastically different sort of relationship with her daughter-in-law, and your cousin's wife likewise needs to do the same. Both must work to earn respect, and adapt to the different culture. Fighting is an important part of this, in conjunction with healing and growth. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conclusion&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has been my experience with a US-Asian relationship; my finding has been that when my wife and I hide from the friction, nothing ever gets resolved and nobody learns anything. When we respectfully make space for ourselves to have a strong relationship with each other and with our parents, all parties grow together. In fact, it seems that all of our parents have learned much from us, and it has added a richness that they would not have experience if we had both married within our native cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Afterwards&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reward from working through all these relationships has been great; without the friction, perhaps we would not know each other at all? The presence of friction for me has provided a huge opportunity for personal growth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6067" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T12:15:03.040" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T12:15:03.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4592" CreationDate="2017-09-26T09:14:06.697" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After she left, I made the regrettable choice to send a text asking if something was going on there, with a &quot;good for you&quot; vibe. This was a poor choice in and of itself, and justifiable anger resulted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not really &quot;justifiable&quot; anger, unless you phrased it very wrong... If she can't take a joke, you need another friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My immediate apology included the phrase &quot;I only wished to let you know I am okay with whatever&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, however, should have pissed her off a lot more than your silly joke, because giving her your approval before she asks what you think implies that she actually needs your approval to do things. She's not eight years old and you're not her father, so it's quite rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest just writing an email like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, I'm going on extended leave and didn't want to end on a bad note, so I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry about that idiotic joke I made. Will be happy to see you when I come back.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T09:14:06.697" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4540" CreationDate="2017-09-26T12:09:13.193" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your grandmother is in a time of her life when things get very scary. Her body no longer works the way it used to, she's starting to forget things and more likely than not she's afraid that since she's no longer a 'useful and productive member of society', she will be left to a fate of loneliness and misery. Even if there's nothing medically or mentally wrong with her (which is increasingly unlikely as she ages) these are some very basic human emotions that are very common in people of advanced age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, not everyone is capable of dealing with these kinds of emotions in a useful and constructive manner. They can be come paranoid because they feel that people are trying to take advantage of the fact that they don't understand everything anymore. They can get very scared when someone they don't recognise starts interacting with them familiarly. Having nothing to do with their time can leave them to dwell on negative thoughts too much, sending them in a spiral of negativity. They can get unreasonably angry when things don't go the way they want, often because they feel like they're losing control over their life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some cases, they even realise that their behaviour is only making things worse, but the frustrations and fears are just beyond their capacity to cope with and the knowledge that they are making things worse for themselves leads to more fear and negativity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Knowing all this gives you two general directions in which to proceed: you can either try to help your mother and grandmother through this difficult time or you can decide that you have plenty on your plate as it is. clueless' answer outlines what you can do to help your mother and grandmother through this difficult time, but I felt it important to mention that it's okay to put your own life first. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't properly take care of anyone else either. Simply keeping in mind where the fears and anger are coming from can help you interact with your grandmother more positively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T12:09:13.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4603" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-26T12:13:12.103" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to sound polite then you can simply say, &quot;it is more of interest and I've interest in software field and we are all smart in what interests us or what we like&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not only non-rude statement but also truth in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="504" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T12:13:12.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4604" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4592" CreationDate="2017-09-26T13:13:09.583" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you should try being yourself. See friend, from my personal experience, what happens when a person tries to give some space and time to some other person is that, the other person is at the stake of growing misunderstanding or sometimes even the loss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being yourself makes you indulge in the routine situation &amp;amp; making less prone to these sort of situations and boosts your daily confidence as well. Don't try to hide under your self-pity and your imaginary 'what-if' shadows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance just act like everything is normal, smile at people (in a positive way), try keeping your business to yourself. What you really need to do is breath and align your mind in a positive direction. After all, we all seek and love a positive vibe around us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most important if that person passes by, just say Hey..!! Keeping an open dialogue always helps. People tend to forget the past when some trustworthy and positive things are happening around. And when you reach to the extent where you feel that everything is 100% normal with that person you had misunderstandings with, when you are confident enough.. you will see that there is nothing grey-ish left in between in you two. I hope it helps you and you two both get back to normal as soon as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember - be happy, be you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6480" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T13:33:50.633" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T13:33:50.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4573" CreationDate="2017-09-26T13:16:37.753" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Typically &lt;strong&gt;&quot;good enough&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; without focusing my attention on the one who asked the question to signal this is a complete answer gets across the vibe that it's a topic I would not want to talk about in detail with the respective person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if the topic is fine from a privacy perspective, just state the grade. There's no reason not to appear smart. If they really just derive from grades the level of smartness they attribute to you, it's their fault for being easily impressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T13:16:37.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4592" CreationDate="2017-09-26T13:49:35.617" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, casual friendships don't &quot;wither on the vine&quot; as much as &quot;go dormant&quot;. The next time you run into her after your leave is a chance to strike up a conversation and see if you're still compatible as friends. It's amazing how much a couple months can make social interactions that were horribly awkward at the time seem like just a silly memory, especially for the recipient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally, a little extra effort to mend bridges is worth it, but given that the subtext was that you might be overly interested in her I think giving some extra space is the best way to communicate you're not &quot;looking&quot; for anything and can respect boundaries as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6329" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T13:49:35.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4592" CreationDate="2017-09-26T14:30:02.627" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Let it be.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how close you are with this female co-worker and if you've ever hung out with her alone and you don't even have to tell us what she told you when you apologized the first time,  but she clearly felt this was a bit too much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, you didn't know that other male co-worker was married but you did jump to conclusions about her and to me this almost felt as if you got jealous she was seeing some other man (and wished that man was you (?) even if unconsciously). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it possible you are developing feelings for this person?&lt;/strong&gt; If this is the case, then it's not just her who needs space, you need it, too. So, &lt;strong&gt;take this time away to process what happened and why&lt;/strong&gt;. Perhaps your friend felt threatened by your reaction. Perhaps you are more attached to her than she can cope with or reciprocate or feels comfortable with for the time being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You worry that the friendship might die by the time you are back. (By the way,  I wouldn't email nor text until I returned). &#xA;If this woman was not just an acquaintance then this time off might be all you need to restore your friendship. If you really feel you want to talk to her, wait for when you are back but I wouldn't apologize again. You might not even have to. She may even approach you by then. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to tame your need to talk to her (and be her friend) by keeping yourself busy while away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T15:24:14.943" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T15:24:14.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4573" CreationDate="2017-09-26T14:55:05.617" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;there's nothing to be ashamed of.  If you did well, &lt;em&gt;own it&lt;/em&gt;.  Beam radiantly and say that you aced it.  Or for a change of pace, &quot;It was touch and go for a while, but I pulled it off.&quot;  Your colleagues (at least the ones worth hanging around with) don't want to know exact numbers...  They want to celebrate your success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people won't follow up with &quot;You must be smart, huh?&quot;  But if they do, you can gently deflect it.  &quot;Oh, you!&quot;  Or my personal favorite answer to that question, &quot;Uhhh...&quot;  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T14:55:05.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4592" CreationDate="2017-09-26T15:03:34.477" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;The question at this point (with a good answer already accepted) is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Even if you &quot;give it time&quot;&lt;sup&gt;(which you should)&lt;/sup&gt; will you be able to salvage this relationship? And if you continue to text apologies that make it worse, or if you try to talk to her (while mentioning her sex life) at work, will you end up having a chat with HR?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your problem SEEMS to be that you have feelings that you are not willing to acknowledge, and without doing so you'll continue to give half-apologies or even make the same mistakes again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@henning had two comments that are along the same lines as my thinking here, and he put it better than I can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;...suggesting that I might be looking for similar attention. This was not my intent.&lt;/em&gt; What was your intent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't want this comment to sound snarky. What I'm suggesting is that OP investigates his motivations, in that feeling lonely and in strong need of emotional support easily leads to (secret) jealousy, insecurity, difficulty to accept boundaries, romantic projections. This is just natural and not necessarily bad; but all kinds of awkward situations might result if these issues are not acknowledged but disowned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all the context you've given us, either &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A) You have romantic or conflicted feelings about this person&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;B) You may have come across this way, to at least some of us and maybe to her.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given whichever of these is true, you should approach further interactions with that in mind. If you do not, it isn't just your friendship that will be in jeopardy, your job and your marriage (or half of your belongings) will be in jeopardy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I'm reading into things here, but from everything you've said I can't help but read into it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am a married man dealing with some personal issues&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unwritten subtext here is that being a married man is one of these personal issues. If that isn't it, then you'd at least have a partner who could help resolve your &quot;foremost&quot; issue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;foremost among them is a lack of a proper support network of friends&#xA;  to talk to about the stress in my life. I have been trying to&#xA;  proactively get involved with new people through work so that I may&#xA;  eventually develop the kind of friendship(s) I need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems from this and from the next thing you've said that you've talked to your friend about the stress in your life (something some guys do when they're stuck in a bad marriage and trying to find a new relationship), and that this stress may be marital-related:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Foremost among those I have begun to develop some comfort with regarding person topics is a female coworker. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Has this just happened to be the case, or is this &quot;foremost&quot; for a reason?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I noticed a conspicuous simultaneous absence of her and another male coworker. After she left, I made the regrettable choice to send a text asking if something was going on there, with a &quot;good for you&quot; vibe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Send all the vibes you want, there are very few people who are going to believe that a man texted a woman asking if she's having sex with another man for a benign reason.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My immediate apology included the phrase &quot;I only wished to let you know I am okay with whatever&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't really say much more about this immediate apology, so maybe you didn't think it was that bad. From an outside opinion (at least this outsider's opinion) this rings entirely false. If you were &quot;okay with whatever&quot; you wouldn't have gotten involved in something that is so not your business. Part of getting a handle on interpersonal relationships is not attempting to make things look better by pretending at something other than the truth. If you are hiding the truth from yourself, you will be the last one to see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What makes it particularly horrific is I did not realize that male coworker was married. My choice of phrasing things has thus taken on a much darker meaning, suggesting that I might be looking for similar attention. This was not my intent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all agree that this isn't good, but what makes what you did truly &quot;horrific&quot; is that a man having personal issues texted a woman (that he isn't romantically involved with but who he is paying a lot of attention to) asking if she's having sex with another man... WHILE she may have been having sex with another man (you leave this unsaid in your answer). I wouldn't bring up the fact that the guy was married in any future conversation/apology - apologize for what you did, not something you didn't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I left a follow-up apology by text the next day when I realized this. I explained that I would never wish to imply she was playing with married men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, this did make things much worse. It's an apology for the wrong thing, and it implies WORSE things. She could honestly be wondering if you sent something like this out of jealousy, and if this is a fake apology implying worse things as a result of said jealousy. At this point you need to not only worry about whether she's insulted, she may even be feeling some level of threat, and you have to approach this more carefully as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am a social idiot&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a social idiot too, and I've done things on this level of carnage, and they were motivated by feelings I wasn't admitting to at the time. Understanding that you may have had some jealousy, or that you at least may have appeared to have some jealousy, will help you become less of a social idiot to your friend going forward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should I attempt to talk to her (at work!)&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NO.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you give your relationship with this person a higher priority than your job, can you really say you only have friendly feelings toward her? Maybe so, but you are seriously proposing here in front of all of us that you discuss a woman's sex life with her at work (if your apology takes the same course as your previous ones). &lt;strong&gt;This is where you stop and go out of town and clear your head and come back and be professional at work.&lt;/strong&gt; If you have to say anything at work, now or 3 months from now at a birthday celebration when you're stuck standing next to her, make it short and simple and professional, along the lines of: &quot;I want to profusely apologize for being an idiot.&quot; But the only real place you can talk about this in depth (which may be a bad idea) is a social gathering outside of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't said nice things here, and I've gone beyond your original question of &quot;Do I give this time?&quot; I may start my time here at IPS with negative rep. But if you don't come to an understanding of WHY what you did was wrong, if you continue to apologize for the wrong things by saying worse things, if you proceed with someone that you either have feelings for or who may think you have feelings for them without approaching the problem from that angle, you are not only going to destroy your relationship... &lt;strong&gt;you are going to have a problem with HR.&lt;/strong&gt; And problems with HR can always make it back to your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, yes. Give this time, and &lt;strong&gt;quit texting her&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6481" LastEditorUserId="6481" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T13:28:43.183" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T13:28:43.183" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4610" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4652" CreationDate="2017-09-26T15:05:23.533" Score="54" ViewCount="34841" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I'm not sure if the answers to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3223/appropriate-ways-to-dismiss-street-vendors&quot;&gt;Appropriate ways to dismiss street vendors?&lt;/a&gt; apply to this situation, as it is about people asking for money without a compensation. That's why I'm asking a new question about an experience of mine, that got me thinking.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was at a public location where usually a lot of students are around. Since I was waiting for something, I was just standing there. Then someone, let's call them &quot;Bob&quot;, approached me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About Bob&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob was around 20-30 years old and blended in perfectly with the other students. Nothing extraordinary about him, a very typical appearance. So this is not about a poor beggar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The conversation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I remember that person vividly, I don't remember the exact wording, so please do not take everything in the following conversation literally. It's more important, what kind of information were given and what was left unsaid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob: Hey&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Hi&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob: Can you help me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: What do you need help with? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I thought he would ask me the way or the like.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob: &lt;em&gt;Now followed a (somewhat) longer monologue about helping people. Sounded to me like a crowdfunding-related marketing text.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: How can I help you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob: I need money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the decisive moment my question concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back then, I said something to the effect, that I didn't have money (not a complete lie, especially considering that no information was given). This frustrated Bob so much that he went away immediately, mumbling something, sounding disappointed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;How do I (politely) dismiss a request for money from a stranger?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is: &lt;strong&gt;I do not want to give them money, and want to end the conversation as soon as possible.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would prefer a polite solution, but I became unsure about insisting too much on it and so only put it in brackets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, additional details/explanations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only in the last question did Bob actually mention money. He didn't do so before (also not during that monologue).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob never disclosed how much money (or in which form, i. e. bank transfer or cash) he wanted or what (or whom) he needed it for for.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was surprised that the conversation ended so quickly. But I wonder, and that's also why I ask that question, how to react if they had continued asking for money.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm not sure if my reaction was overly polite. The conversation was short and not unfriendly, but that's hard to judge now. I tried to remain neutral.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="13" LastEditDate="2017-09-28T21:44:27.410" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T19:02:12.753" Title="How do I dismiss a stranger asking for money?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4480" CreationDate="2017-09-26T15:07:18.117" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Introduce youself by the name you want to be called.  If it ever comes up, or if there is confusion, you can say, &quot;Yep my given name is X, but I go by Y.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm reminded of when I was a teenager.  My little band, we went by &quot;Ape&quot;, &quot;Trape&quot;, &quot;Rape&quot;, and &quot;Stape&quot;.  Or &quot;Ope&quot;, &quot;Trope&quot;, &quot;Rope&quot;, and &quot;Stope&quot;.  Basically we cycled through the vowels...  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T15:07:18.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4443" CreationDate="2017-09-26T15:22:23.087" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recommendation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever you get a comment you don't like, remind the person with faint irritation, e.g.: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Knock it off, Bill.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No big speeches, no psychoanalysis.  Just simple, mild social operant conditioning.  It's hard to tell from text above if your coworkers are being friendly, or digging at you in some way.  If they do seem hurt, as if you're rebuffing a kindness, you could expand, &quot;I just don't like talk about what I look like.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now me being me, I'd go off about &quot;In my little town, I was the handsomest little thing.  It got to be a problem.  I never had to pay for candy.  Dogs would follow me home.  I was about to get (deservedly) spanked by the principal, when he said I was too cute to wallop.  You can imagine how &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; turned out...&quot;  But that would be counterproductive here.  Simplicity is best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T15:22:23.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-26T15:41:33.883" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I always use this one simple sentence that holds true for half the population of this world in these days:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am sorry man, I don't have any cash on me. I wish I could help but I never carry cash anymore.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People usually take this well, but there are some people who tend to pry harder to get something out of you. Here are a few scenarios I have been in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Stranger: Well, there is an ATM right around the corner/in that gas station.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;   Me: Yeah, but it is not my bank ATM and it charges me a huge surcharge which I am not trying to spend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Even though very uncommon, I've had this response]&lt;br&gt;&#xA;   Stranger: It's alright, we accepts all major debit and credit cards.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;   Me: Well there is a reason why I don't carry cash anymore because I don't have any in my bank to take out of! I am a very broke student, sorry&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Stranger: Oh come on man, I know you're lying. Everyone has a little bit of cash.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;   Me: [If I genuinely don't have any cash, I take my wallet out and open it up and show it to them. Be careful if the stranger looks sketchy/healthy enough to be able to grab it and run!]/[If I actually have cash...] There is no need for me to lie to you, look at me! Do I look like I have money? [laugh]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to sound nice and polite when declining to give someone your money is to talk to them like they're just as human as you. Talk to them like you respect them, irrespective of the fact that he asked you for money. But don't do it too formally. That makes you sound dishonest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use words like &quot;man&quot;, &quot;bro&quot;, &quot;dude&quot;.. Something on the friendlier, informal side of addressing people. If it is a lady, &quot;ma'm&quot; will work just fine, but you usually don't need to use any such words with a woman. In my experience, women tend to not pry too much. They leave much quicker than men do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're genuinely concerned about not hurting the stranger's feelings or them not hurting yours, being nice and friendly with a smile on your face goes a long way! There is no need to give them the third degree (not saying you gave them the third degree, just a figure of speech). If the guy's story sounds like something that deserved an honest reaction from you, like so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My car broke down and my baby is in the car, I need some money for gas&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My wife and daughter are sick and I need to buy medicines for them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am collecting money for the blind homeless people&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something that deserves recognition and appreciation IF TRUE, tell them you don't have money and ALWAYS add a sentence that makes them realize that you believe their story and just cannot help them out. It doesn't matter if you don't believe their story but, being nice and acting like you do doesn't cost you anything. Like so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[no money blah blah] But I hope you get back home somehow, I am really sorry you're stuck like this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[no money blah blah] That is horrible, I am sorry for you and I hope you get the medicines for your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[no money blah blah] That is very nice of you, very few people want to do good for others anymore, it is amazing that you are trying to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you wanted to have a shorter conversation, but these are just additional sentences you can add to your story that makes them react less badly to your refusal. You can choose to not say anything past &quot;[no money blah blah]&quot;, but saying something after that makes them feel less disheartened with themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T15:41:33.883" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4615" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-26T15:50:03.517" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a world of difference between college student poor and homeless poor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said there's a few options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I don't carry cash.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often true, in the US at least many people use debit and charge cards as their primary means of paying for stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would if I could.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Implies that you're also struggling financially, and would help if you were more able.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And my personal favorite:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm broke as a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used this one often, because it was often true and it offers a touch of humor and camaraderie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note, I'd like to add a basic thing I learned about being &quot;street smart&quot;. When a stranger approaches you for money, the longer and more elaborate their pitch/story is, the more likely it is that they're lying. When someone gives you a long sad story, there's a good chance that it's an addict or a hustler who's been at it for a while. Don't get me wrong, these people probably have a very sad story, it's just likely not the one they're telling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who are honestly &quot;just in a rough spot&quot; don't like to be reduced to panhandling and usually don't want to have a long conversation about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T15:50:03.517" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-26T15:52:46.323" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to work in Downtown and encountered a few Bob-like characters. Their strategy seems to be to launch into a long story that only at the end cycles about how they some money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess the idea is that after you talked to them for five minutes it would be harder to just dismiss them, so the first strategy is to not let them tell you the sales pitch. It's harder to do if you are standing around waiting as you're obviously not busy, but perhaps you could say that you need to make a phone call or look for your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you did hear the pitch there might not really be any way to deny them that won't disappoint since they spent the time with their long-ish story so the best you can do is basically what you did, decline and mention your own money troubles (real or otherwise)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall if the person is after money, any encounter that doesn't yield money is a waste of time for them and a disappointment, so try to not get sucked in, and if you can't don't worry too much about disappointing them as that seems pretty inevitable anyway&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;P.S.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;Other answers suggested saying that you don't carry cash. I would advise against it, because while it can work sometimes, it can also backfire if the person simply asks you to buy something: food for their child from a nearby convenience store (if that's the &quot;story&quot; they went with), train tickets etc. Saying you'd like to help but can't because of [REASONS] invites them to try and solve that problem, saying you're broke is more final&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="2002" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T15:59:20.040" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T15:59:20.040" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-26T16:09:23.013" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a guess, if Bob has a ready, well-polished long speech, he's used to asking money to people. Therefore, he's also ready to hear any denegation. Why? Because I have seen (unfortunately) many persons like Bob in cities and countries in Europe. The problem is: &lt;em&gt;is the beggar a truly needing person&lt;/em&gt;, or &lt;em&gt;another poor person that is under the thumb of a sort of local mafia&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, I'm as cautious as possible. Because I consider myself lucky, and would not want to be either one of them :( So I'll be very careful when saying &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt;. And always be nice when I decline, with a sorry grin and a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, I say: &lt;strong&gt;Sorry, but I don't have [ enough / any ] spare change, and can not afford it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, I let them know I don't have money &lt;em&gt;for them&lt;/em&gt;, even if I have some / a little, it's not enough to share. There's not really a nice way to dismiss, only a workaround, I believe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When doing that, I never had much trouble. If Bob is either a needing person or a &quot;professional beggar&quot;, he won't have much more time to lose, and go away, looking for someone else. Because he already lost some time with you and his long speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T16:15:42.930" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T16:15:42.930" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4618" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4625" CreationDate="2017-09-26T16:28:42.360" Score="16" ViewCount="8037" Body="&lt;p&gt;I didn't see a related or similar question, but if you can find one, please link it and I'll close this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had little experience in high school and college and learned some of my skills later.  My first two serious girlfriends were in my twenties and they both cheated.  From this I realized I didn't enjoy serious relationships, so I've avoided them.  I have always been honest about this with people I date: &quot;I'm just having fun and don't want this to ever get serious.&quot;  This is my way of making it clear so that if the person wants &quot;something more&quot; - like marriage - they can move on faster.  I just want to have fun - hang out, party, etc with the expectation that we'll be together for a few months with no intention of it leading to cohabitation or marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the US and am about to be 30.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My latest three dating experiences have ended with the other person upset about the relationship not becoming more serious, even though I made it clear that I would never get serious with the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Example:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me (initially): I don't do serious relationship; no boyfriend/girlfriend - just hanging out and having fun together.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Her (initially): Great, I'm not looking for anything serious either.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her (later): So we've been seeing each other for a few months ... [or some derivative that usually starts a conversation about where is this going, even though we both agreed initially &quot;nowhere&quot;].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I meet someone to date, how can I communicate clearly that I am &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; interested in a casual/short-term dating relationship, such as dating for a few months by doing fun activities, going to parties, attending concerts, etc?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T17:06:05.667" LastActivityDate="2019-07-10T23:19:43.390" Title="How to communicate to someone that I want to keep a relationship casual?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-26T16:29:11.353" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Where are you guys from?! I get asked this every time I go into the city centre. There are certain spots where they wait. I'm a sucker for this, &lt;strong&gt;but only if they are genuine with me.&lt;/strong&gt; I have been very close to this side of life in my past, so I often throw them a pound or so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the answer is to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;say with empathy and sincerity&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry mate, I haven't&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They won't bite. If they ravel off a spiel, reinforce;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I really wish I could, but I can't sorry.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then say something to end the exchange and walk on, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Look after yourself&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(i.e. keep it friendly and they will respond)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: Tap your pockets, but only if you are sure there is no change in them! Or you'll look like an arse!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4916" LastEditorUserId="4916" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T16:35:45.430" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T16:35:45.430" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4621" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-26T17:30:00.560" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T17:30:00.560" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T17:30:00.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4622" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-26T17:30:00.560" Score="0" Body="This tag can be used in situations specific to when on the road in a vehicle that you or someone else in the vehicle is driving. Usage of this tag must be avoided when your question is in a situation where you are a passenger in a public transportation vehicle and the question is directly related to your own personal experience in the trip but not connected to the vehicle's driver's actions. Questions should be about interpersonal skills while on the road." OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T17:39:18.477" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T17:39:18.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-26T17:54:52.990" Score="83" Body="&lt;p&gt;At the bottom, this is someone asking you to do them a favor, and a stranger at that. You can &lt;em&gt;choose&lt;/em&gt; to do something, but it is not impolite to not do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing wrong with saying, &quot;sorry, no,&quot; and leaving it at that. You are under no compulsion to give them a reason or explain yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Re &quot;isn't saying 'sorry' lying?&quot;: it's phatic shorthand for &quot;I see that you want to engage on this. I'm choosing not to. I understand you might feel bad about that because rejection is potentially hurtful. I'm acknowledging you might be feeling that and apologizing for it.&quot; Admittedly it is rather a &lt;em&gt;pro forma&lt;/em&gt; apology, but I think it's appropriate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And quite a bit shorter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2314" LastEditorUserId="2314" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T19:02:12.753" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T19:02:12.753" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4618" CreationDate="2017-09-26T18:22:07.273" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't have much experience with dating. But I want to leave this here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;When I meet someone to date, how can I communicate clearly that I am only interested in a casual/short-term dating relationship, such as dating for a few months by doing fun activities, going to parties, attending concerts, etc?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the problem here is the words &lt;strong&gt;date&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;relationship&lt;/strong&gt;. It's sort of like &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4299/1599&quot;&gt;my answer to this question&lt;/a&gt;, only reversed: &lt;strong&gt;You shouldn't mention those words!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are clearly looking for &lt;strong&gt;friends&lt;/strong&gt;, not people you can have a short-term dating relationship with. It's okay to look for new friends, to do fun stuff with. But you don't take friends on dates, and you don't have 'relationships' with them (I prefer to call that particular form of a relation 'friendship', just to keep the two separated). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Me (initially): I don't do serious relationship; no boyfriend/girlfriend - just hanging out and having fun together. &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Her (initially): Great, I'm not looking for anything serious either.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you mention this on a first date, of course, people might say that they are fine with it. They are on a first date with you, they don't know you. But the fact that they are on a &lt;strong&gt;date&lt;/strong&gt; with you, means to me that they are at least interested in trying to see if a &lt;strong&gt;serious relationship&lt;/strong&gt; can grow out of it. She might not have been looking for anything serious &lt;strong&gt;right at that moment&lt;/strong&gt;. But the fact that she's dating, means that she is looking for something that can grow into something serious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least, I've never dated a guy for any other reason. If I don't want a serious relationship or a something casual that can grow into a serious one, I'm not going on a date with you. Then, we're just doing stuff together, without calling it a date. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how you are meeting these people, but I get the impression that they are firm believers that they are 'on a date' with you. If you get them via dating-apps or websites, I think it might be wise to quit doing so. People are there to find somebody to 'date'. Even though they might not be there to start a serious relationship right away, I think most people on these platforms are hoping for something that can develop into one given the time to grow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these are persons that you have a mutual friend with, that mutual friend might have acted like a middle-man. Make sure your friends know that you are willing to be introduced to new people, but that you are only looking for &lt;strong&gt;friends&lt;/strong&gt; that share your interests, &lt;strong&gt;not a girlfriend&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would believe that in this case, the magic words are &lt;strong&gt;friend&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;shared interests&lt;/strong&gt;. And that you should avoid the words &lt;strong&gt;date&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;relationship&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T18:22:07.273" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4626" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4504" CreationDate="2017-09-26T18:24:58.100" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, let me tell you that I too face fears that others dismiss as unwarranted or illogical. For example, I almost never park in underground parking unless I am with someone else, because I find walking through underground parking lots unbearably scary on my own. Statistics about how often people are attacked there compared to elsewhere have no effect on me. &quot;Helpful&quot; stuff about how my alternative is actually more dangerous (where the danger level for both choices is in reality vanishingly small) will actually make me angry. So I can guess a little how you are feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The secret to not engaging is not to engage. You remember this person and that you engaged in the past. He may not remember you at all. Even if he does, he will not feel rejected or sad if you stop engaging. He does not need a reason, such as it being Ramadan, for your change in behavior. All you need to do is behave as you truly wish to. If you wish to walk by without a high five, without eye contact, without answering any questions he asks you, you can do that. You really can. Nobody (not even the newspaper seller!) will call you out on that. You can give a little head-shake to indicate &quot;no&quot; as you go by, but you don't have to. Truly, you do not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably do the following things at first:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if the person is always in the same place (eg top of the stairs, on the left) make a small adjustment to be further from them. For example, keep to the right. If there are two stairs you can take and it really makes no difference, take the one he doesn't hang out at.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do not look at him as you go by. Not even at his feet or the newspapers. (Look at your feet. Look at the back of the person in front of you. Look past/through him to a lamp-post or other sidewalk item ahead on your path. Turn your head a little away from him to look at anything other than him as you go by.) If he calls out to you, do not turn your head or even your eyes to look at him. (If you have to figure out where he is to know whether to keep left or keep right, do that in advance and then stop looking at him well before you get near.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he talks to you, do not answer, do not look, restrict yourself to at most a small head shake&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he holds out a hand or otherwise tries for a physical interaction, do not talk, and take evasive action such as stepping sharply to one side. If this puts you in someone else's &quot;space&quot; apologize to them - I'm not suggesting you turn into a super rude person who cares about no-one else.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he &quot;goes meta&quot; and talks to you about not talking, do not discuss why you are not talking or not physically interacting. Just continue not to talk or physically interact. Saying &quot;no&quot; to a request for a high five is still giving him the interaction he seeks. Don't do that. Just keep on going as though you did not hear.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first time you do this you are likely to be nervous and tense, with your shoulders hunched and all your muscles tight. Set yourself a goal to be a little more relaxed each time you do it. Also try to think of him later and later in the commute each time. Eventually avoiding and ignoring him will be your &quot;new normal&quot; and you will do it without thinking, the same way you don't bump into the new garbage can or pass reader in the days after it is installed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T02:54:38.367" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T02:54:38.367" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-26T18:36:48.183" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bob gave you a long speech, which he most likely gave to many different people that day. This is a sales speech. A con artist is simply a salesman who went to the dark side. Instead of selling a product, he sells good feelings: if Bob is a good con artist, after he milks you for cash, you'll feel like a saint for helping him feed his twelve children! Look, he even has pictures!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob doesn't look like a random bum. In that case you'd give him a buck or just a smile to acknowledge he's still a person even though he smells a bit funny, and that's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd cast Bob as a businessman. Bob aims to be efficient, and collect the maximum amount of money in the minimum amount of time. This means he has honed his target selection skills: it is in Bob's interest to select the right target and not lose time with people who won't pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus the best way to get rid of Bob is to signal that you're a tough target. There's no need to be rude or anything:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob: Can you help me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Girlfriend's waiting, well I guess I can be a minute late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives Bob an extra problem: he will have to convince you to stay long enough so he can deliver his sales speech, while knowing your GF is waiting. Bob will reassess his chances. This also gives Bob a way out: you have a minute to spare. Thus, Bob asks where to find the pet store, and leaves you alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this scenario, you don't know Bob is a con artist. He might just have been a random guy looking for the pet store and you helped. Good for you ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob: Now followed a (somewhat) longer monologue about helping people. Sounded to me like a crowdfunding-related marketing text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The longer you spend listening, the more Bob will view you as a gullible sucker. So when you guessed he was gonna ask for money, or maybe pull some marketing trick, or ask for a poll or to sign a petition... You should have interrupted immediately at this point with &quot;Thank you, but my girlfriend's waiting, I don't have the time. Have a nice day.&quot; Then leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't say you're broke, don't talk about money, don't weasel out, don't whine, you don't need to explain any more than that. It's really simple. Tone is important, you should cut him off with a raised hand, be assertive, maybe frown a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using excuses (&quot;I don't have any money...&quot;) signals weakness, and a con artist loves that, it makes you a better target. They can debunk your excuses. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's be honest, you don't care about this guy's feelings, you're simply looking for a way to get out without making him angry, and this is a good one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I will add some street smarts to the other answers here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Cucumber:&#xA;  Stranger: Well, there is an ATM right around the corner/in that gas station.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob looks over your shoulder as you enter your PIN code. Then he produces a surprisingly large knife and begins to act unfriendly. You surrender your credit card, he has the PIN, and while you're at it your phone and your wallet. In the next five minutes, Bob busts your CC's cash withdrawal limit, then empties the rest of your account by purchasing bitcoins online using your phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can keep the knife that's planted in your gut ;) it's on the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stranger wants to walk you to an ATM = RED FLAG!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I genuinely don't have any cash, I take my wallet out and open it up and show it to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He grabs it and runs. Your credit card is inside. He doesn't have the PIN, but he can still purchase bitcoins online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Maxim:&#xA;  Other answers suggested saying that you don't carry cash. I would advise against it, because while it can work sometimes, it can also backfire if the person simply asks you to buy something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, he takes you to the tacos truck and buy him some. You got no cash, so you pull out your credit card. That's when you realize he wanted tacos because running away from a taco truck is a lot easier than from the inside of a shop. Oh, yeah, he also memorized your PIN when you typed it to buy the tacos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Location-dependent: CC insurance does not cover you when the thief has the PIN, unless you can make a good enough case that you didn't just surrender the PIN freely (a knife sticking out of your gut would certainly strengthen your case though).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to give him some cash, put your hand in your pocket and pull out a few coins. Exhibiting your wallet in front of someone you suspect to be a potential thief would not be a very good move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not pull out your shiny new iPhone to look at the time when you say you're late to meet your girlfriend either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are a girl and wear a &quot;Very Small And Easy To Steal Purse&quot; the same applies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T19:27:29.663" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T19:27:29.663" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4425" CreationDate="2017-09-26T18:45:08.373" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm surprised no one here has addressed the speakers: &lt;em&gt;young adults&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;students&lt;/em&gt;. Consider they may be trying to choose their path and trying to gauge whether software development is right for them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would highly encourage you to adopt the mentality that they are seeking information about your chosen profession because they legitimately don't understand or have preconceived notions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a software developer who volunteers with middle school/high school kids, and new kids will almost always ask questions like these, because they think CS is some magical fairy realm that is unknowable to the masses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the sort of things I tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost everyone is capable of programming. Just like almost everyone is capable of playing golf. There is difference between the best and worst, but anyone can do it... and often times it's &lt;strong&gt;dedication&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;patience&lt;/strong&gt; and a &lt;strong&gt;willingness to learn&lt;/strong&gt; that is &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; important than innate ability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know several brilliant developers who will never realize their full potential because they don't care enough to work at it. I also know tons of decent developers who can produce double the output of the former because they've put in tons of effort to learn their trade and bettering themselves. &lt;strong&gt;Being smart is no substitute for working hard&lt;/strong&gt;... and if you want it enough, you can do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, emphasizing those traits which are not innate, but can be worked on, is what empowers others. I see this as an opportunity to encourage others to consider joining the profession.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3633" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T18:45:08.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-26T19:31:25.263" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When these kinds of situations come up, it's better to be prepared, than to fumble over your words and allow any further manipulation of the conversation.  For that reason, I recommend having something very generic but clear to say, regardless of what form the question comes in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I can't help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the question was about money, I might follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't have any money to spare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is terse, clear, and is not lying in any form, given that your money should already be going somewhere through a designated avenue (savings, food, bills, charity, etc).  You can have a clear conscience, and have an answer ready for when you are inevitably surprised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6496" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-26T19:42:27.643" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T19:42:27.643" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4632" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4635" CreationDate="2017-09-26T19:35:18.273" Score="19" ViewCount="12731" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend, John, has a female cat. He's had her for a long time. He also happens to have a friend, Lily, who loves cats. &#xA;Over time, Lily went from being a cat lover to being a cat activist, adopting stray cats, neutering/spaying others,  providing food, rescuing kittens and so on, out of her own pocket. I admire what Lily does. She really cares about cats. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, a few months ago, Lily convinced John to adopt a male kitten. (John and Lily used to be house-mates in the UK, they know each other for quite some time). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lily reassured John that she would be covering the kitten's expenses, even his food. I told John we should adopt the kitten &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; on the condition Lily helps us with the vaccines and the neutering and since this would be taken care of, I agreed. I love cats myself and used to have two. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lily did buy food for the cat a few times, and John has since had numerous discussions with Lily about feeling bad having to accept her help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lily has recently been asking us when we are taking the kitten to the vet (when it shouldn't have been up to us in the first place) and John hasn't clearly told Lily we can't do it until today when they had a phone call that didn't go very well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lily accused John of not caring about his cat, (John hasn't spayed his female cat-it's been years) and how bad this is for her (well, she never goes outside and was the only cat until now), while John reminded Lily of her promise and how it was her responsibility to take the kitten to the vet. &#xA;In the end, Lily told John she won't be able to pay for the neutering yet even though she knows the kitten is almost 6 months old and needs to be neutered soon. John worries we might end up with a pregnant cat. And we don't want that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My position:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I keep reminding John that &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; agreed to adopt the kitten on the condition Lily would cover the cost of the neutering and the vaccines (as an incentive to convince us to adopt the kitten). I'm also planning on moving in the future and I don't want to end up with more cats than I can handle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;John's position:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wishes Lily didn't have to help. Also doesn't like being told what to do about the female cat. Had been hesitant asking Lily's help with the kitten, but did so after getting upset. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lily's position:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John should have spayed the female cat but doesn't address what needs to be done about the kitten. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John ended the phone call (he hung up on Lily after she was yelling at him for not agreeing with her about the female cat), telling me that &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; should handle this with Lily, get into a fight or whatever I think necessary, next time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If I get involved), how can I make Lily realize neutering the kitten can't wait? How can I/we avoid discussions about what's right or wrong about the female cat? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T15:12:01.853" LastActivityDate="2020-09-24T07:34:20.087" Title="How can I tell a friend they need to help with what they promised because what they promised can't wait?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;&lt;responsibility&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="16" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4633" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-26T20:06:11.740" Score="2" ViewCount="251" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I are together for little over a year now. She has big problems with self-esteem and little to no sense of self-worth, which I think is at least in part due to parental abuse and -abandonment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how often I assure her that I love her and everything about her (her personality, her looks, her intellect, our shared interests, etc.), she quickly deflects it as &quot;I am only saiyng that to cheer her up&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to keep any secrets from her, so if she asks me about my ex-girlfriend, I always tell the truth to the best of my ability. (My first relationship ended almost a decade ago, so some details are hard to recall, especially since those memories mostly weren't really pleasant). My problem is just, she gets extremely sad and insecure over the most minute details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An example:&lt;/strong&gt; She asks me questions like &quot;What hair colour did your ex have?&quot; and when I tell her she had brown hair, she gets depressed and tells me she finds her black hair ugly. I tell her that I find her black hair absolutely beautiful and that it's my favourite hair colour - which is true - but she just dismisses it as something I say just to cheer her up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to lie to her and pretend my past doesn't exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worst of all, after she had calmed herself, she usually falls into an episode of self-loathing, where she apologizes profusely, telling me that she is sorry for being such a burden to me. When I tell her that it is fine, that I am not upset, and that I love her more and more every day, she just seems to ignore that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything I can do to help her feel more confident about herself and our relationship? Any help would be appreciated!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6497" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T20:06:11.740" Title="How to help my girlfriend with her lack of self-confidence?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;self-esteem&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-09-26T20:34:21.277" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4632" CreationDate="2017-09-26T20:19:31.987" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately I don't think &quot;interpersonal skils&quot; are going to help you much here. It sounds like Lily has overstretched herself (easy to do if you are someone who can't say no when someone brings in a cat in distress) and has now pushed part of her problem off on your boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you and your boyfriend genuinely can't afford the spay/neuter at a commercial vet I would suggest looking to see if there are any charitable services in your area that can help for free or for a reduced cost. Beyond that if you want to keep the kitten you are going to have to scrape together the money somehow, maybe even consider borrowing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to choose between neutering the kitten and spaying the cat then IMO the former makes more sense. Intact male cats often develop rather unpleasent behaviours like spraying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1702" LastEditorUserId="1702" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T16:59:49.917" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T16:59:49.917" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4632" CreationDate="2017-09-26T20:20:29.290" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not exactly an interpersonal solution, but many places offer free and reduced cost animal services. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's one for the UK: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/neutering/financial-assistance&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/neutering/financial-assistance&lt;/a&gt; that appears to offer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;FREE, £5 AND £10 neutering&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as an interpersonal solution goes I would probably drop the matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anything I would advise Lily to seek out working with a shelter or organization rather than trying to go it alone and run into problems where she ends up overextending and making promises that she can't keep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Placing animals like this may feel like a good thing to do, and in some cases it can be, but getting into these situations isn't going to be good for her or the kitties in the long run. She'll likely end up biting off more than she can chew and end up with more animals than she can properly care for. Where an organization will very likely have more resources and better facilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've met a few people like Lily. They have great big hearts and good intentions, but they often get in over their heads.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T03:18:48.220" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T03:18:48.220" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4618" CreationDate="2017-09-26T20:51:36.557" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short term dating relationships are just that &lt;em&gt;short term.&lt;/em&gt; Meaning that regardless of how you try to frame it, you can only push them so long before people want or expect more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I applaud your being honest about your intentions, telling people upfront what you're looking for is a good first step, but then you have to be willing to follow through and keep the relationship short. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no black and white rule for how long you'll be able to ride one of these situations out before feelings develop, so if it seems like people are getting more attached than you're comfortable with after a few months, you may want to keep things more in the few weeks range.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside I would advise you to get over your fear of being cheated on. It's better to have loved and lost n' all. &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/ruR4uI8Ift8&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Also while dating like this can be fun for a while, it very often gets harder as you get older.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T20:51:36.557" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4632" CreationDate="2017-09-26T21:36:14.783" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like those those answers mentioning charity services which can sterilize cats for free.  If such are not available, you will have to either (a) give up one cat for adoption to another household, or (b) enjoy you some kittens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is because Lily is unlikely to step up on this.  She knows what she agreed to, and just isn't doing it.  It kind of confuses me why she didn't take the cat herself, if she's going to be financially responsible for it.  Anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll suggest that John should be angry at Lily -- not for telling him to neuter his cat, but for reneging on her clear promise.  He should also be angry at himself for agreeing to a pretty-much-unenforceable deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, the takeaway...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Cats need to be sterilized or adopted out&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't take in dependents you can't support out of your own resources&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Recognize what Lily's promises are worth&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update after question update:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll agree with some other posters who advise you not to get involved talking with Lily.  Seems more like John's task, which is probably fruitless anyway.  He might try calling her to her promise again, &lt;strong&gt;but she knows already&lt;/strong&gt;.  She either can't or just plain won't do it.  That might explain why she got so angry; guilt often hides behind anger.  You're just not going to get any relief out of her.  And she will get more defensive the more she is pushed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this is ISE, what's going to happen with you two and Lily?  Well, after tempers have a time to cool, you two will &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; be disappointed in her, and she'll know it.  If y'all want to keep her as a friend, resolve the actual physical cat problem first, then ease back into your dealings with her.  Try to find forgiveness in your hearts, and don't rely on her for long-term commitments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="6468" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T15:12:48.843" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T15:12:48.843" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4639" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4646" CreationDate="2017-09-26T22:54:13.713" Score="5" ViewCount="439" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going into my 4th year of University. I lived in college-owned accommodation for the first 3 years. I balloted in January for a college-owned room for 4th year, but this summer (June) I signed a contract to let a privately owned property with some friends. After signing the contract I emailed college to tell them I no longer wanted the room that I balloted for. I received an email saying that this could be arranged, but that I should have let college know when I balloted back in January.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I thought it would be better to wait until I had finalised my contract, but I can see that doing so was unhelpful for college.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My name has been taken off from the college-owned room, but I did make a mistake by not letting them know in January.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already apologised for miscommunicating, but I'm wondering if there is some better way I could apologise and/or thank the dean for changing my college accommodation contract at such short notice? This is more of a &quot;professional&quot; relationship rather than a personal one, so I'm not sure a card and a chocolate would be appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best thought so far is an email along the lines of: &quot;I realise I made a mistake not letting you know in January. I would like to thank you for being so flexible even on short notice.&quot; Although it just seems a little too short/not enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6505" LastEditorDisplayName="user288" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T05:10:54.613" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T05:10:54.613" Title="How to apologise/thank college for being flexible with accommodation?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-26T23:19:09.547" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When it comes to strangers, I really don't believe in making excuses (for example, &lt;em&gt;&quot;I don't carry cash&quot;&lt;/em&gt;; &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm snowed under debt&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, etc...). And, unlike few other suggestions, I'd personally strongly advise against showing your wallet to them. Not only are you &lt;b&gt; not liable &lt;/b&gt; to help someone unless you feel moved to do so, you're also &lt;b&gt; not bound to prove why &lt;/b&gt; you don't want to (or can't) help. If anything, you'd be doing them a favor. So, a short, polite but firm reply could be: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Look mate, please, I have my own set of problems to deal with too. I appreciate you sharing your story / idea with me, however, I'm really sorry, I'm not in a position to offer any monetary help at the moment.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also ask: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But I wonder, and that's also why I ask that question, how to react in case they go on trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really depends on how long you're willing to hold your spot and engage with the said person (if they don't leave). Also, these should work better when you've already declined at least once:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For the least engagement, turn your head away and stop paying attention to them. Stop listening, stop responding, stop acknowledging. Do not utter any words and when their monologue / question comes to &lt;em&gt;money&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;b&gt; simply nod your head as if you're saying NO&lt;/b&gt;, while still looking away.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they proceed to touch you to draw your attention, you have the opportunity to express your displeasure and disapproval and ask them to leave with a gentle reminder that you've already said NO a few times.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you're willing to engage with them, or want to burst their bubble, you could ask them counter questions:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How many people have you spoken to about this one?&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How much capital have you already raised?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Where's the paperwork and a record of patrons?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Who are the beneficiaries and what's their financial background?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What else have you tried aside from asking random strangers like myself?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How will I get the assurance that the money I donate — if at all I decide to do so — will only be used for the purpose you ask it for?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, if they aren't prepared to face such questions, the scrutinisation should at least throw them off-guard and they would perhaps want to seek a closure themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a lot that can be reasonably guessed about someone who's &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; shy of asking for financial assistance from the strangers, especially without:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Genuinely looking troubled, or &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Having a consolidated paperwork  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, for the time being, it might suffice to safely assume that, in the absence of the signs above that would establish their genuineness, these people are — more often than not — deceitful at best and scamsters at worst. So, in my humble opinion, you don't necessary have to carry the baggage of being polite with them at all possible costs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T06:07:01.707" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T06:07:01.707" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4641" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-26T23:36:44.280" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, try hard not to listen for long. It is okay to promptly ask “What do you need?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is money, the best results I have had is to tell him/her “Sorry, I support many charities but I don’t have at this moment money to spare.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is food, offer to buy him/her a hot dog or whatever and offer to accompany them to the shop and eat with the person; most of the times they will say thank you, but I don’t want to bother you and walk away to look for an easier prey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have time to spare (the most precious thing in the world), talk with them and waste their time, think as I you’re saving a victim from this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6507" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T18:06:55.050" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T18:06:55.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4642" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4618" CreationDate="2017-09-26T23:47:51.480" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My latest three dating experiences have ended with the other person&#xA;  upset about the relationship not becoming more serious, even though&#xA;  I made it clear that I would &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; get serious with the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you sure you can always control your feelings? No matter how clearly or well you communicate &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;that I am only interested in a casual/short-term dating relationship,&#xA;  such as dating for a few months by doing fun activities, going to&#xA;  parties, attending concerts, etc?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you can't prevent the woman you are dating from falling in love with you or developing deeper feelings for you. &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; may even develop feelings. What if the roles were reversed? What if someone you were dating short-term dumps you after they get tired of you and it's you this time wanting more?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short-term dating specific sites? Sure. No guarantees. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may need to consider having a friend with whom you mutually agree to also have sex. Again, no guarantees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could combine having friends for doing the fun stuff with plus hooking up with women for just sex (from specific sites if there are sites for that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, sure, you can be upfront all you like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey before we start [hanging out/dating/call it whatever], I just&#xA;  wanted to let you know that I'm not interested in a serious&#xA;  relationship and I won't be for a while. I'm being upfront with you to&#xA;  avoid misunderstandings in the future. I'm only interested in....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No guarantees. This is human nature you are talking about. Just, date responsibly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-09-26T23:47:51.480" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-27T00:06:51.060" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bless your heart for listening to his spiel. I can't stand that. But you're nicer than me. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever anyone asks for money and cites an organization, I always ask for some literature telling me more about their organization and their 'cause', and promise that upon receipt, I will read it and give it some serious thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It usually ends right there. No, not usually; always.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person looks like a beggar, I never withhold from giving them something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;In college, I knew someone who would spend a weekend a month in NYC panhandling to make his car payment. His car was a Mercedes. His parents were rich, but wouldn't buy him a Mercedes, so he bought it himself and financed it this way. I kid you not.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T00:06:51.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4618" CreationDate="2017-09-27T00:22:03.517" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see &lt;em&gt;sex&lt;/em&gt; mentioned anywhere, or in reply to Catija's comments. It matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to make it crystal clear that you're not interested in any long-term relationships, then put a time limit on it. Honest. Otherwise there's a good chance that the person you're &quot;having fun with&quot; might think they can change your mind. Let them know they can't. So, to pick up where you left off:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I don't do serious relationship; no boyfriend/girlfriend - just hanging out and having fun together. [If you also want sex, add that between &quot;hanging out&quot; and &quot;having fun&quot;, i.e., &quot;just hanging out, having sex, and having fun together.&quot;]&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Her: Great, I'm not looking for anything serious either.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Really? Great! Because I'm in it for no more than three months at the most, then I'm gone to greener pastures, I promise you. But in the meantime, if you want to have fun [(and sex)], and don't mind that I'm dating others at the same time, I'd love to take you out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she goes out with you and complains when you tell her it's over in three months or less, she has absolutely no right to complain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's honest, straightforward, and real. Don't be surprised if you don't get many takers, though. But that's good. You don't want to disappoint anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T00:22:03.517" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4645" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4632" CreationDate="2017-09-27T01:37:56.370" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;tl;dr: &lt;strong&gt;give the cat to a shelter.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything in this post refers to &quot;the cat&quot; as the male kitten. The female cat has been around for a while now and doesn't seem to be a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately a deal was struck between John and Lily, with some understanding between you and John about its terms (since it affects you greatly). So far all promises have been broken. Lily can't pay for the cat, the cat isn't getting routine procedures done, and John hasn't been able to guarantee that the cat is stress-free to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be kind of a good thing, because now you can start at the beginning and figure out what everyone wants without a lot of baggage about past deals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point I'd recommend you to stop listening to Lily, because she dumped this cat on you and won't pay for anything she said she would. She's walking a road paved with good intentions, and her involvement won't help you in the slightest. She's only causing harm. Forget her (for the purposes of this cat situation). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leaves the two people who are actually important - you and John. &lt;em&gt;John&lt;/em&gt; is the one who agreed to take the cat, so it's his now. Fair or not, promises or not, that's the reality of the situation. So there really are two choices;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He keeps the cat, pays for everything himself, and this all becomes ancient history.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give the cat to a shelter where it'll be placed with someone who knows they can take care of it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've mentioned in comments that the first option isn't really viable, you both don't have the extra money to spare on this cat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So give it to a shelter.&lt;/strong&gt; This is what shelters are for - exactly this kind of situation. John may want you to handle this, but he should do it. It is, after all, &lt;em&gt;his cat&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Judging by the description of what Lily said during the heated phone call, she will protest this. She'll talk about how the cat needs &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;, how it's a poor thing, etc. She'll probably try to stall and tell you that she can get the money in short order. Don't listen to her, she's manipulating you - even if she means well by it. She needs to understand that she is the one who put the cat in this situation by biting off more than she could chew. She may try to cope by blaming you and John for putting the cat in a shelter, but ultimately it wasn't your call - if she wanted a stake in the cat's life she should have held up her end of the bargain (or kept the cat herself).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With drama like this it's best to rip the band-aid off and move forward. Lily messed up, a cat got put in a shelter, drama occurred. The sooner it's behind you the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2321" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T01:37:56.370" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4639" CreationDate="2017-09-27T03:00:10.070" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you send an email or a letter thanking them, you're just giving them more work--you already sent them an apology, and there's no real reason to send them another one other than making them read letters from someone they don't really know personally. One written apology is polite and shows them you appreciate their work, two written apologies about the same thing is kind of a waste of time for everyone involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the US, and if I felt like a written apology for a relationship that is strictly professional and has no personal component to it wasn't enough, I would bring the person a box of donuts. These can be shared (there's no commitment for the person I give them to to use them), they're enjoyed by 95% of people (it's unlikely that the gift will be unappreciated), and it's seen as an informal gift (it's seen as a cheap but nice gift, not something with a commitment attached to it). I don't know what the equivalent of this would be in the UK, but something with those three characteristics should work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user288" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T03:00:10.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-27T03:57:30.507" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best strategy if you value your time and are very selective of the people you allow into even minutes of your life is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignore them.  Don't make eye content with them.  Don't answer them or in any way acknowledge them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are soft about the above, then&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;just say you don't speak English, 'no comprende'.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are soft about the above, then&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Help him out with some spare change.  Nothing more than a dollar.  While it is morally correct to help those in need, you don't know if this is really the case.  By giving him very little money you can make this activity not worth his time.  Let's say he collects 0.50 for every 5 minutes of begging.  That amounts to 6 dollars an hour, less than minimum wage so hardly worth his time.  If he gets 1 dollar or more every 5 minutes, then we are talking 12 dollars per hour which is more than minimum wage, even better since taxes and fica are not deducted.  So, it is very important to give very little money.  That way you are not offending him since beggars can't be choosers.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6509" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T03:57:30.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-27T06:04:22.227" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My usual reply in such situations is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I only give food, not money. &#xA;  If you need food, I will be happy to give you an apple/orange/tomato [or anything else that I happen to carry with me] or buy you some food at the nearest kiosk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is in urgent need of food, my offer will help him.&#xA;But if the person insists on getting money, I conclude that he is not in urgent need, so I can just ignore him and walk on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="506" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T06:04:22.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="577" CreationDate="2017-09-27T07:39:08.147" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't listen to those who say you're just sexualizing her body or projecting your modesty and what not.&#xA;Being at a public pool in a swimsuit are two factors that tells me she probably don't want her chest showing - There's also common sense.&#xA;They might be right but I'm sure most people would mind!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is impossible to know how she feels without saying something and it's only going to get more awkward the longer you ignore it.&#xA;If someone else tells her when she's in that suit for the 10th time with you and she wonder why you haven't said something.&#xA;I don't think &quot;the internet told me not to&quot; would be an appreciated answer.&#xA;Telling her will only be an awkward few minutes. Better than being awkward around her all the time at the pool, and thinking about it afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a simple &quot;is it supposed to do that?&quot; might do the trick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6516" LastEditorUserId="6516" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T10:01:29.013" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T10:01:29.013" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4651" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-27T08:19:06.887" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you consider a stranger asking you for money to exhibit polite behaviour? If not, why are you so insistent on responding in such a manner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The likelihood of such a person being one with criminal intent is high, especially if we're talking about big cities and busy places. I'm sorry for having to point this out, but this person &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; not your problem but &lt;em&gt;could become&lt;/em&gt; your problem anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say you show your wallet. Now the stranger knows where you keep it. Say you pick out a dollar, but the stranger sees the rest of the content. Now he knows you're worth robbing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just, get out. You're not responsible for this person and there are far more constructive ways to help people in need if you feel so inclined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1873" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T08:19:06.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-27T10:46:21.577" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;My go-to reply is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, no. Have a nice day! [&lt;em&gt;turn and walk away&lt;/em&gt;]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's courteous&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You provide no reason, so they cannot point out flaws in your reasoning&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have not given them nothing; a well-wish is more acknowledgement than they may otherwise receive from any stranger&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works even after they have told a long story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend committing to the &lt;em&gt;have a nice day&lt;/em&gt; with eye contact and a smile; it's important to mean it. This is disarming enough to give you a few strides head-start. They are unlikely to chase you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6529" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T10:46:21.577" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4653" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4632" CreationDate="2017-09-27T13:01:49.497" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It isn't Lily's cat. The cat belongs to you and John, verbal agreement notwithstanding.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two of you adopted it. It's your responsibility now. Go back and reread the entire post and replace the word &quot;cat&quot; with &quot;baby&quot; and see how that sounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if Lily moved? Died? Went on vacation? Was out of town for work a lot? Would the cat just be SOL? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you re-shelter the cat, you've condemned the animal to die basically because you can't be bothered to care for it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you choose to get out of the cat -- which sounds like &quot;nothing&quot; -- the cat is certainly going to get back from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6532" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T13:01:49.497" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4654" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-27T14:25:48.547" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T14:25:48.547" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T14:25:48.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4655" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-27T14:25:48.547" Score="0" Body="expression of goodwill upon meeting. When questions are related to civilities, pleasantries or  salutation." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T14:25:48.547" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T14:25:48.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4656" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-09-27T14:33:19.530" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T14:33:19.530" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T14:33:19.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4657" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-09-27T14:33:19.530" Score="0" Body="A life partner is a romantic companion with whom you intend to stay in a permanent relationship (whether legally married or otherwise). Use the &quot;relationships&quot; tag for dating or more casual relationships." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-01-23T00:22:11.650" LastActivityDate="2019-01-23T00:22:11.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4632" CreationDate="2017-09-27T15:07:43.453" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me answer the final question after your edit (&lt;em&gt;now removed&lt;/em&gt;):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If we forget about the money for a moment, how can we communicate to Lily that honoring her agreement is a matter of principle for us (it's the right and responsible thing to do)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already told her (&quot;&lt;em&gt;John reminded Lily of her promise.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;) and she did not react well. Doing it a second or third time is unlikely to produce a different result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not Lily's parent, it's not your responsibility to teach her manners. She's a grown-up, and with grown-ups you have two choices: Accept them as they are, or find other friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to change a grown-up's behavior never ends well. (Unless you are &lt;em&gt;very good friends&lt;/em&gt; and the other person &lt;em&gt;asks for your help to change their behavior&lt;/em&gt;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5596" LastEditorUserId="5596" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T15:15:12.253" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T15:15:12.253" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4618" CreationDate="2017-09-27T15:39:32.967" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, the assumptions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you say &quot;short term dating relationship&quot; I'm assuming you mean acting as BF and GF, including physical intimacy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are not currently in this situation, you are looking toward the next one&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not unseemly for her to want to renegotiate the terms as her feelings evolve over time.  You are free to do the same.  &quot;You cannot look twice at the same river; for fresh waters are ever flowing in.&quot;  Your job now is to work with her in the negotiation, while being respectful of her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is to say, getting mad and saying &quot;We had a deal&quot; isn't the right approach [1].  Be aware that proximity, shared experiences, and physical intimacy often do spark those deeper feelings.  It's by far the more common pattern than what you proposed to her.  Do not be surprised.  I mean heck, many people either consciously or not, date like this as ... well ... &quot;tryouts&quot; for long-term mate compatibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So ... what should you do?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, introspect a little.  How &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; you feel about your reluctance to have longer relationships, fall in love, and so on?  Do you feel like you have some healing to do?  If not, not, but do ask the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, your approach seems ... like kind of a hard sell.  It would not be hard to hear it as &quot;I want to have fun with you and then discard you&quot;.  Another poster suggested that you desexualize it and just &lt;em&gt;make friends&lt;/em&gt; with women.  Do a lot of group activities.  I really do think you'll have trouble finding women who want the deal you're proposing.  I could be wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[1]  Unless you are both huge Star Wars geeks.  If I told a girl &quot;We had a deal&quot; and she snapped back &quot;I am altering the deal.  Pray I do not alter it any further&quot; she would &lt;strong&gt;own&lt;/strong&gt; my heart for all time.  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T15:39:32.967" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4661" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4663" CreationDate="2017-09-27T17:15:26.890" Score="11" ViewCount="6127" Body="&lt;p&gt;At my new office, I got to know a few people and among them is a woman  (&quot;Alice&quot; for simplicity). I could call all of them acquaintances including Alice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually greet Alice outside of work, with a smile or &quot;How are you?&quot;. I usually do not greet her while I am at work. I say this because her desk is just after mine, she passes me each time she comes back in after taking a break and it kind of feels weird to smile at her each time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today, it so happened that I finished my work and I was looking for my supervisor, so I could inform him that I was leaving for the day. He was in a meeting, so I kept looking behind me to see if he was done. While doing this, Alice left her desk and walked in front of me to . I did not greet her, even though I caught her eye, I just turned back to my computer screen awkwardly and I kind of felt like she was expecting me to smile or acknowledge her because she turned away awkwardly too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I felt terrible after this. Most of all, I felt guilty that I didn't smile because I thought she expected it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should I apologize to Alice for this incident?&lt;br&gt;&#xA; Or am I reading too much into this and let it go?&lt;br&gt;&#xA; What is the best way to handle such a situation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Upon @Catija's suggestion , I would like to add that I usually don't greet Alice during work because it might be taken as a sign of romantic interest by other colleagues . &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3922" LastEditorUserId="3922" LastEditDate="2017-09-28T02:55:58.963" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T05:15:45.583" Title="Should I apologize for not acknowledging a colleague in office?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-21T14:14:35.740" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-27T17:32:41.680" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry. I can't help.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's really all you need to say. There is no onus on you to be polite, because asking a stranger for money is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a polite thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they persist and don't leave you alone then repeat more sternly: &quot;Sorry. I can't help.&quot; If they still persist then they are harassing you and you have every right to get irritated and tell them to leave you alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to lie or continue engaging with them. You also don't need to assume that they are homeless and down on their luck. They could just be a sponge or a chancer/scam-artist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see that you're a female because females tend to be more agreeable than males so be aware of that. Also, some people are saying you should give them advice or refer to them agencies or services that can help them; you do not need to do any of this! I live in a major city and encounter dozens of beggars every day; do you think I have the time to give counselling sessions to every beggar?! If you feel strongly about helping then donate to a local church/homeless shelter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6537" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T17:32:41.680" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4661" CreationDate="2017-09-27T17:38:19.367" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to be reading way too much into it. While it's possible/probable that there was awkwardness about this situation it isn't that big of a deal and apologising for it likely will make it worse, since it would add a lot of importance to something most people would forget in five minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel bad, just make sure you are more consistent about acknowledging Alice in the future&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T17:38:19.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4664" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4667" CreationDate="2017-09-27T18:34:33.183" Score="4" ViewCount="1653" Body="&lt;p&gt;I started talking to this guy in one of my classes, and he asked me out for a date a couple weeks ago. After that our communication sort of stalled, and I figured he wasn't interested anymore. But then we studied together for an exam, and I think it went well. He texted me a bit afterwards. Now, however, our conversation is short again, and it seems we're about on square one again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but I do want to get to know him more and be friends. I think he would be fine with that, but I'm wondering if that would not be the right approach. &#xA;(I am somewhat interested, but am not actively seeking a relationship. I would prefer to get to know him more casually before dating anymore.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of the issue I think is that he's really busy, and I'm really shy. So I haven't initiated anything with him. It all comes from him. So he doesn't have the time to constantly try to do things with me or talk to me frequently, which I usually rely on to become friends with people. I'm guessing he might think that I'm not interested at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this seems a bit confusing and unorganized (which it is) but I'm basically just trying to figure out how to maintain a relationship with this guy who I might want to go out with again, but I'm also not sure if he's still interested. He may have given up on me by now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking of getting some people to go see a movie and inviting him along. Do you think that's a good idea? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6540" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-09-27T21:32:53.897" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T21:32:53.897" Title="Should I pursue a friendship with a classmate or let it be?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4661" CreationDate="2017-09-27T18:47:11.923" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, of course, you see people walking by your desk when there is an open office plan. I'm working in one of those offices as well. I'm from the Netherlands, and there is actually a sort of rhythm to greeting: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you arrive at work, you greet the people that are already near your own desk. People that arrive later greet you, and you acknowledge them back. This is often a simple: &#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Person arriving:&lt;/strong&gt; Good morning Everybody! &lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Persons already at their desk:&lt;/strong&gt; Good morning/ Hello/ Hi / nothing if they are busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you leave for the day, you say goodbye to the colleagues seated near you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Person leaving:&lt;/strong&gt; Well, I'm going, see you tomorrow / Goodbye, everybody. &lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Persons still at their desk:&lt;/strong&gt; See you tomorrow / Goodbye / nothing if they are busy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't shout out, just a normal tone of voice, and no long sentences, this goes for both greeting and leaving. This makes it easier for those people that are busy to ignore you. And modify your greeting according to the level of 'officialness' your office has. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When making eye contact, I smile if the person walking by smiles first. I nod if the person walking by nods first. I greet if the person walking by greets me. And if they do that 3 times a day, I make a witty reply to the 3rd greeting, it usually stops after that. If the other person keeps on walking, I turn my head and burrow back into my three screens. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if you arrive/leave before Alice or not, but this is generally the way things are handled in my office. No need to greet her when she's walking by during the day, but make sure you greet her at these two moments. And acknowledge her if she catches your eye and smiles at you/nods. If Alice arrives after you do/ leaves before you do, you could make it a habit of greeting her if she doesn't greet you. That should make it clear that you are more than willing to acknowledge her, without it becoming awkward (read: 20 greetings a day). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the specific incident you mentioned may have been awkward, but certainly not of a caliber that you need to apologize for it. Often, an apology for a very minor thing is even more awkward than the minor thing itself --&gt; it turns a mosquito into an elephant (Dutch saying, about making a little problem something bigger than it actually is). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're greeting Alice upon arriving to and leaving work, you're good to go!. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T18:47:11.923" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4666" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4664" CreationDate="2017-09-27T19:44:21.570" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was thinking of getting some people to go see a movie and inviting him along. Do you think that's a good idea?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like a lovely plan to me.  Group outings give opportunity to get to know someone, see him interact with others, and lessens any date-anxiety you may have.  Best-case, you can sit next to or across from him when y'all go out for snacks or whatnot after the movie...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T19:44:21.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4664" CreationDate="2017-09-27T20:19:49.357" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being shy is hard; a lot of people interpret that as being indifferent or rude when you're really not.  Unless he's got women throwing themselves at him, he's probably just as curious and nervous as you are.  he's also initiated, which shows a possible level of interest.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were to go back to dating again, my procedure would be this: develop a rapport with someone I'm interested in.  Even speaking occasionally would count here - just to get a feel for how they talk to me.  Do they smile when i talk to them?  Encourage the conversation?  Ask me questions?  Joke around?  Or is it more me trying to force a conversation?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that seems positive, then my next step would be to find something I like doing that is going on.  Movies, IMHO, are kind of impersonal for a first time together - there you sit in a dark room, being quiet.  Blah.  Rather I'd find an event I'm going to and talk about it with her.  &quot;hey, there's an exhibit opening at ...&quot;  &quot;The museum has a cool display of mammoths...&quot;  &quot;I'm going to the range...&quot;  Something like that.  Then, if she sounds even somewhat interested, I'd add &quot;I'm going to go there Saturday; it looks like fun&quot; and see the response.  Are they interested in going too?  Do they give any kind of response? If so, then we can meet there and actually talk to one another and spend time together doing something we enjoy.  Afterward we can have a pop or something together and continue enjoying each other's company.  And if it flops, at least I got to do something I thought was fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same can work for you.  You're not asking him out; you're meeting to do something you both find interesting.  That takes a lot of pressure off and after you do one or two things you find fun, then you can talk about a date.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-09-27T20:19:49.357" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4669" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-27T23:38:45.000" Score="17" ViewCount="3843" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of topics in daily life that many people avoid mentioning outright because they're slightly &quot;icky&quot; or it's considered &quot;private&quot; or somehow mildly taboo. One of these things I've run into recently (over the past year or so) is breastfeeding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's something that (in the US at least) there's a major movement towards normalizing it as something that's &quot;natural&quot; and that women shouldn't be ashamed to do it in public or talk about it. I've never personally had issues with it - Austin is pretty liberal and anyone speaking up about it being &quot;disgusting&quot; or &quot;private&quot; would likely get shamed into shutting up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work, I've had to deal with people asking where I'm going when I'm headed to &quot;relieve some pressure&quot; or &quot;be a cow&quot; (express milk) for later consumption by my infant son. I have a few responses I use including the two joke ones above and &quot;I'm going to pump&quot; but also including answers that don't mention what I'm going to do specifically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've &lt;em&gt;generally&lt;/em&gt; tried to make some reference to it because I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; agree that it's a natural thing that women shouldn't be ashamed of. I'm lucky that my workplace has a nice space set aside for this purpose (even with legal requirements to do so, many offices do not or have places that are basically a closet).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is merely an example, though - I'm sure that there are dozens of other similar subjects (medical issues or sexuality or religion) and the specific topic isn't really the crux of my question so please don't use this question as a place to debate breastfeeding's benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen articles &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.gurl.com/2016/04/28/uncomfortable-taboo-subjects-we-need-to-start-talking-about-more-ask-reddit/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;like this one&lt;/a&gt; encouraging people to talk more about taboo subjects, with a list of recommended topics to talk about more but I think it's really focusing on actual conversations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We’re attuned to issues that were once swept under the carpet, many of us accept and embrace different sexualities and gender identities, and thousands of people confront uncomfortable issues like sexism, racism, and gender norms, among other things, every single day. Humans have come a long way! Unfortunately, we still have a very long way to go. There are still a lot of taboo subjects out there that aren’t touched upon often enough, and we really need to start talking about them more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The article mentions talking about them more but doesn't say whether such discussions actually cause any change in people's perceptions of the topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want to know is, do studies show that mentioning a &quot;taboo&quot; topic to someone has a &quot;normalizing&quot; effect in relation to that topic on those people? If it does, I'm happy to continue but if it doesn't, it may be better to stop risking making my friends and coworkers uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T12:55:33.903" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T12:55:33.903" Title="Does talking about mildly taboo topics with people normalize the subject for them?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;academic-research&gt;&lt;taboo&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4670" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4695" CreationDate="2017-09-28T01:13:31.610" Score="45" ViewCount="12208" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suburban neighborhood has about 80% dog ownership, but most dog owners don't have fences. I don't either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My across-the-street neighbor &quot;Abby&quot; and I have been becoming friends. It started over a &lt;a href=&quot;https://pets.stackexchange.com/q/17367/3246&quot;&gt;previous puppy that didn't work out&lt;/a&gt;. We talk several times a week, and usually spend an evening or two a week over wine and conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Abby now is selling her house, and had a showing yesterday. I was mowing the lawn, and my dogs (I have 3, two adults and a pup I'm raising as a therapy dog) were all secured by leashes to something sturdy, even though I was taking a break to talk to another neighbor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The prospective buyers exited the house, whereupon the child (a boy of about 8) screamed, &quot;Daddy, &lt;em&gt;dogs!&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and hid behind his father. Please know that they were across the street, the three dogs were secured, they weren't barking, and there were three adults in my yard, easily able to protect the child (or the dogs). We thought it was a little bit odd that the child reacted that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to this afternoon when I get a frantic call from Abby asking me to put up a fence as soon as possible. The realtor told her what had happened, and she kept saying I needed to put up a fence, that the sale of the house had to go quickly/smoothly, that she didn't have the money for a drawn out stay on the market, she'd already bought another place, etc. I explained that the dogs had been tied up, hadn't even barked at the prospective borrowers, and that the child had overreacted. She replied that she was coming over in an hour to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I did yard work with my dogs once again secured (trying to make my yard look good for Abby's perspective buyers), all I could think of was that I couldn't let Abby's panic become my responsibility. I can deal in facts, I can deal with feelings, I can try to reassure her, but her fears are &lt;em&gt;not my responsibility to fix&lt;/em&gt;. She's a grown woman of 45 (and not without means by any means.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a reasonable way to approach, tactfully and without damaging the friendship, the problem of a neighbor demanding that I put up a fence so that her house will be more attractive to potential buyers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited to add&lt;/strong&gt;: I have a large corner lot facing South. Abby has a regular lot facing West (towards the side of my house, with a good view of all of it, including what is my &quot;back yard&quot;.) Abby, my neighbor, is the one doing the asking, but probably at her agent's suggestion. No, I'm not obliged to put up a fence (if dog owners were, 80% of the houses would have fenced yards.) and front yard fences aren't allowed in our neighborhood. Only backyard, and she does have one of those (as well as a dog.) The yards that are fenced in this neighborhood are most often those with pools.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want the expense of a fence (the HOA has regulations about the kind of fence that can be put up), and, of course, they're expensive. Think $8K without landscaping. Also, it makes my yard less useful for exercise, as it cuts off both sides of the house, and there are setbacks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit #2:&lt;/strong&gt; I took @Catija's approach and there have been no further problems. She lets me know when there's a showing, and at that time, I keep my yard dog-free (although the tennis balls should give it away.) Things have been fine between us, as before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T09:13:35.380" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T09:13:35.380" Title="Do we need good fences to make good neighbors?" Tags="&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;pets&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4669" CreationDate="2017-09-28T01:23:50.050" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR Yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's one interesting study that actually set out to see if they could reproduce the finding of a previous fraudulent study...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/NMZtu.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;http://biology.eku.edu&quot; /&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You gotta love science, &lt;strong&gt;after&lt;/strong&gt; peer review.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... volunteers from the Los Angeles LGBT Center and SAVE, a Florida LGBT organization asked voters what they thought about the recent law? [protecting trans rights] Would they watch this video and talk about their reactions? &lt;strong&gt;Could they talk about a time when they had been on the receiving end of negative judgment or stigma?&lt;/strong&gt; Did that help them to understand what a transgender life is like? Did that change their views?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was a deliberate strategy, and it worked—durably and dramatically. These ten-minute conversations, known as “deep canvassing,” substantially reduced  prejudice against transgender people for at least three months, even in the face of anti-transgender ad campaigns. Not all the voters were swayed, but on average, they experienced a drop in transphobia greater than the fall in homophobia among average Americans from 1998 to 2012. The canvassers, through ten-minute chats, had produced the equivalent of 14 years of social change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/04/no-wait-short-conversations-really-can-reduce-prejudice/477105/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/04/no-wait-short-conversations-really-can-reduce-prejudice/477105/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same story covered by NPR: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/04/07/473383882/study-finds-deep-conversations-can-reduce-transgender-prejudice&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/04/07/473383882/study-finds-deep-conversations-can-reduce-transgender-prejudice&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The emphasis was mine, but I suspect that it may be the key to helping people get over some of their prejudices regarding taboo and formerly taboo issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not just talking about it, but how you talk about it. Most people have been stigmatised, ridiculed, or discriminated against for &lt;strong&gt;something&lt;/strong&gt; at &lt;strong&gt;some point&lt;/strong&gt; in their lives. If you can get people to remember that feeling and then coax them towards understanding that other people feel that way because of X, then there's a chance that you can get them feel some sympathy and maybe even a little empathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anecdotally I can sort of confirm these findings through personal experience. It's one thing to have ideas about a group of people or an issue, but it's another thing to actually sit and talk with someone directly effected by those ideas. I've dealt with a pretty good handful of people who were openly phobic until they got to know me, &lt;em&gt;many&lt;/em&gt; of them came around eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also... I notice that people around me have grown accustomed to my excentricity, I regularly talk about &amp;quot;taboo&amp;quot; subjects and they rarely/never seem shocked or unsettled when I bring up issues of sexuality, gender, foul language, divisive politics, or php so there might be something to be said for desensitizing through exposure. Unfortunately I couldn't find a study on that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T04:32:27.873" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4672" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-28T04:57:01.343" Score="1" ViewCount="3051" Body="&lt;p&gt;Snail-mail has been one of my favourite hobbies in recent times as I have subscribed to an online forum where you sign up and someone (totally random user from anywhere in the world) sends you a PostCard. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before sending a postcard, they view someone's profile to get an idea of one's likes/dislikes. Similarly, my profile clearly states my &lt;strong&gt;dislikes&lt;/strong&gt; - I am attaching a screenshot to give some view:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/3zGrt.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/3zGrt.png&quot; alt=&quot;List of PostCards I dislike&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually people really show a respect for my wish, but at times I receive a postcard from my &quot;Dislike list&quot;. Now there can be multiple reasons why sender still sent me a card which I dislike, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he/she didn't read my profile carefully&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sender comes from a non-English background&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sender had bulk of those cards and found suitable to &quot;utilize&quot; them first&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;or maybe sender just done it deliberately&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now water is under the bridge now and whatever the reason was, this card has been received by me. But I want to send a &quot;thank note&quot; in a polite way which would convey my feelings (that I don't like multi-view cards at all), so they would get my feelings and think at least once before sending someone a card in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3670" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-22T17:51:24.563" LastActivityDate="2018-12-22T17:51:24.563" Title="How to &quot;thank&quot; someone who sends you a PostCard you dislike?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;saying-thanks&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4670" CreationDate="2017-09-28T04:59:09.977" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When we keep doing something out of the courtesy, it becomes our habit to please others.&#xA;You need not put up the fence. You can have her over a dinner and explain her how the dogs are not to be blamed because of one crazy family. &#xA;Most families wouldn't mind the dogs. (In fact they'll love the friendly dogs around.) Try to explain it to Abby. &#xA;If she understands well and good. &#xA;If she does not, then as you said its her fear that is the problem and you need not worry. Let her deal with it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5483" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T04:59:09.977" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4670" CreationDate="2017-09-28T05:05:12.943" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless you really don't want a fence for some reason, say you're willing to do so if she pays for it. Sounds like a win-win situation to me (you can have your dogs out in your yard without having to chain them up). I can't see how this would be offensive - she's asking you to do something to improve her selling prospects so paying for it should be the least she can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3899" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T05:05:12.943" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4676" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4670" CreationDate="2017-09-28T05:18:21.497" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;At best this is a one off...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, absolutely, good fences make good neighbors. I first heard the phrase when my brother's dogs were actively visiting the neighbors and he paid for a fence, but that isn't what's happening here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're a good dog owner and you seem to be keeping your dogs responsibly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are, understandably, terrified of dogs. My other brother has scars on his head that demonstrate why... When a kid has been bit by a dog they'll be legitimately afraid. But, a fence won't assuage that fear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a fairly rare thing though. Don't let someone pressure you into putting out money for something that may or may not be a real problem. &lt;strong&gt;After all, most kids love dogs.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as a tactful approach is concerned...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would sit her down and try to explain that this has clearly been an overreaction on the part of the perspective buyers, the realtor and herself.  Most kids love dogs and the overreaction of one child is not at all likely to impact the sale of her home. Almost nobody sells their home to the first person who takes a look at it and it's very normal for these things to take a little time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel the need to be extra accommodating, you could ask her when her next showing will be, and offer to keep the dogs indoors during the specified time. But be clear that her problem is not your problem, this is a favor that you're offering as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-09-28T23:28:02.830" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T23:28:02.830" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4677" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4672" CreationDate="2017-09-28T05:31:58.567" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Haha. It's possible that the sender intentionally tried to poke/tease you by sending the one from your 'dislike' list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, for the first time, I'd recommend either ignoring it altogether or just thanking them. Nothing more. Anything more would have upset them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is repeatedly done by the same user, it might be worth letting them know that while you are thankful for their card, you would prefer that it were about the topics you listed under 'likes'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if they were intentionally trolling, there's nothing you can say to change their mind, but if they were unknowingly choosing the wrong topics, letting them know will help them choose better ones. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the same sender is never likely to send one again, then there's probably no point in contacting them about it, anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-09-28T05:46:41.290" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T05:46:41.290" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4678" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4672" CreationDate="2017-09-28T07:26:06.710" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, since you're using postcrossing and I have done so myself as well, take a look at their community guidelines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;All postcards must be registered.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  These include those that might not match your personal preferences or taste - all postcards must be registered, no exceptions. If you receive a postcard without or with a wrong Postcard ID, Postcrossing can help you. If you've received an item that you feel is unsuitable for the project, you should report it to Postcrossing and we'll look into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Use your profile to write about yourself.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  Your account's profile is the place where others can learn more about you, so please enter a few sentences. If you mention which postcards you like in your profile, keep in mind that others are not obliged to send you a postcard that matches your preferences. You can not make demands about what you want or don't want to receive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So basically, when using this &lt;strong&gt;you can't force people to not send you postcards you don't like.&lt;/strong&gt; But I think you could report some of the things on your 'dislike' list (specifically the ad cards or nudity, maybe LGBT themed cards as well since I can imagine receiving one in the mail can bring you big trouble in some countries), under the first paragraph, as &quot;having received an item that you feel is unsuitable for the project&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, it might help to include some reasons as to why users should not send you certain postcards. I've seen you around for a while, and I think that you could explain your preference for not receiving most of the cards you listed as a consequence of your religious beliefs. So, if you want to go ahead with attending other users to the fact that you did not like their postcard, I recommend adding this information to your profile. &#xA;&lt;em&gt;Explain why you wish to/should not receive such cards. If true, you might in some cases even state that having cards with certain themes in your possession could bring you into serious trouble.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding this to your profile should help people understand the reasoning behind you finding pigs appalling animals for example. That being said, you can't expect people from entirely different cultures to understand your religion completely, so you might always get postcards that aren't completely suited. And there are always the not very nice people on the internet that will send you a postcard just because it offends you. Register the cards as having received them, burn them and move on to the next, hopefully, better exchange. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you stated that you really want to address this in a registration message, &lt;strong&gt;which I do not recommend&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start the message with a 'Thank you' anyways. This will make the message read a lot more polite --&gt; You should always appreciate the effort that people took of sending you a postcard, even though the card itself was not to your liking. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'd make it very clear that I liked the gesture, if not the postcard itself, before even moving on to criticizing the postcard.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you criticize the postcard, make sure it is 'constructive criticism'. Use a 'patient' tone of voice. Maybe explain that because the card conflicts with your religion, you can't keep it as a nice memory, and that you are sad that you had to let it go. And then gently attend the sender to the fact that these restrictions were already on your profile, and ask them to see this as a kind reminder to carefully read the profile of the next person they are sending a card too, since you wouldn't like to see those people disappointed as well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;End with another 'thank you for the gesture' or maybe for their kind words that were on the card. Make sure your message ends on a positive note: always sandwich criticism between two good things. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-09-28T15:06:56.287" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T15:06:56.287" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4672" CreationDate="2017-09-28T07:48:37.767" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Okay. So basically, strangers from all over the world send you postcards, and you're picky about what's on the card?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr: Just let it go.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is like receiving a gift. Some people are good at picking gifts, some will always manage to get you something you don't like even though they have known you forever and they should know by now that you're absolutely not into mugs.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Sometimes maybe they don't care, often it's just an honest mistake. Bottom line is, there is no nice way to tell a stranger who sent you a postcard that you'd prefer it without the multi-view, like there is no nice way to tell your grandma that you will never ever wear the shirt she picked for you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Say a vague thanks, or don't say anything, but don't make a big deal out of it. If the card really offends you (which can happen), trash it, and that's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've done this kind of postcard exchanges a few years ago. I didn't have a &quot;dislike list&quot; but more a &quot;likes list&quot;, and of course people didn't always follow it. I still have a small collection of really beautiful cards which I know were picked just for me to match my list -I was really moved, each time. I also got a few really ugly ones, but sometimes with lovely messages. Sometimes also with impersonal, uninteresting messages. Does it really matter?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Exchanging postcards with strangers is about &lt;em&gt;sharing&lt;/em&gt; - sharing your world, your country, a little bit of what you like, your handwriting... Some people share less. That's the way the world is. In my opinion, you should look at each card with kindness, as a gift in a litteral sense: something done just for you, from someone who gains absolutely nothing by doing it. If you have something nice to say about it, say it. If not, don't say anything and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="281" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T07:48:37.767" CommentCount="18" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4670" CreationDate="2017-09-28T08:26:41.063" Score="48" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How long has her home been on the market?   If it's been less than three months, Abby is overreacting. Reassure her that her home will find a buyer, someone who probably owns a dog themselves. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When prospective buyers come and visit, are the presence of dogs (not just yours) visible/audible? I'm guessing if 80% of the families own dogs then that is not a negligible feature of your neighbourhood. Are dogs generally (always?) kept in the backyard?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you promise to keep your dogs &lt;del&gt;in the backyard&lt;/del&gt;  out of sight when prospective buyers visit Abby's house might that solve the problem from her point of view?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would the building of a fence increase the market value of your home? &#xA;AKA seeing the glass half-full. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If putting up a fence is out of the question (see recent edit) then the OP could suggest that Abby tell the agency that &lt;strong&gt;prospective buyers should ideally be animal lovers&lt;/strong&gt;. The two friends both know that four out of five families have at least one dog, putting up a fence around one lot will not help Abby sell her house faster. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-28T18:08:38.683" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T18:08:38.683" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4632" CreationDate="2017-09-28T12:22:41.600" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is an emergency situation.   It might not seem like one, but it is.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any emergency, your priorities are, in strict order: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ensure you are safe. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Prevent the situation getting worse. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take action to improve the situation.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Number one: look after yourself.  Here I think means, as the above posters have said:  a) not getting involved with lily who has brought disruption to your lives and relationship, b) reducing tension with John, who is your boyfriend - as the above posters also say, his fault is being too nice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Number two: prevent the situation getting worse.  One of the cats needs to be neutered NOW.  RIGHT NOW. Doesn't matter which one, you could find out which is cheaper and base your decision on that. I would try to keep them physically separate, sleep in separate rooms etc starting this very second, until you can get one of them neutered.  Otherwise you'll end up with 10 kittens, and a 10x worse situation.  Use your own money, it's an emergency and it's happening in your house right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Number three: Take action to improve the situation.  Now you have some breathing space to consider what further action to take. Up to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6566" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T12:22:41.600" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4687" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4688" CreationDate="2017-09-28T12:25:32.570" Score="4" ViewCount="1439" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am looking to buy used car components on eBay from the UK, I found a good deal, the seller put together a nice kit but I feel a 15% discount would better align the item to the market price. I might still be willing to pay the full price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it polite by UK standard to gently make a (reasonable) counter-offer?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Where I live it wouldn't be very well received, but in the USA I did it all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1777" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T07:51:27.087" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T08:18:06.467" Title="Is negotiating a price perceived as rude in the UK culture?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;negotiation&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4687" CreationDate="2017-09-28T12:38:11.107" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;On ebay, as you're probably aware, some items are on &quot;best offer&quot; - those you can put in a counter offer - although generally you will find this only works for buying in bulk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have nothing to lose messaging the seller to negotiate a lower price, as if they are having trouble selling an item, they might relist at a lower price.  I find a good way of determining what the market price is by searching completed listings - an appeal that all similar items sell for cheaper or don't sell at that price might help a seller budge.  Of course if the current market price on ebay for the thing you want is 15% less why not buy it from someone selling it at market price already?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One word of warning, if they do agree to lower price.  Either pick it up and pay for it in person or get them to relist at the lower price. If you try to mail order outside the ebay eco-system the possibility of being ripped off is too high, you lose all buyer protection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the UK as a general rule people are not fans of haggling. It can come across as rude and make people uncomfortable, we generally don't/can't do it in most shops. However we do haggle on private sales all the time, such as buying off gumtree, used car sales, etc. - haggling is also more common in service industry roles, especially when negotiating a service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2866" LastEditorUserId="372" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T08:49:56.407" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T08:49:56.407" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-28T13:38:24.967" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask how to &quot;dismiss&quot; a stranger asking for money.  The answer is simple: dismiss them.  Say &quot;no&quot;.  They may ask why not, and the answer is again simple: &quot;It doesn't matter; my answer is no&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are challenged to be polite in these situations.  I mean, who wants to be deliberately rude?  Much like telemarketers and salesmen, people asking for money rely on that politeness.  They ask why so they can challenge your reasoning.  And eventually wear you down into giving.  that's why the answer is just &quot;no&quot; and offers no explanation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd add a suggestion here.  If you want to help someone who really needs help, there are a couple things I try to leave in my glove compartment of my car.  A bus pass (if they really need a bus ride, they'll be very happy with that).  A Target gift card (Target by me sells both groceries and has a deli and also sells pretty much anything to cover basic needs).  Some McDonald's gift certificates (If they're hungry, that will be welcome).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't ever know if a person's story is true or if they just asking for money.  It's hard to tell someone &quot;no&quot; who you really think needs help and they rely on that basic instinct that most of us have.  I'd add one thought: sometimes (emphasis on sometimes) begging is quite lucrative.  I'd refer you to this story of one person (again, emphasis on &quot;one&quot;) found &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.aol.com/article/news/2017/06/15/car-dealership-says-panhandler-rejected-job-offer/22361398/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T13:38:24.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4610" CreationDate="2017-09-28T13:56:20.837" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't believe that giving strangers money is generally positive so I say &lt;em&gt;&quot;No&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&quot;I don't give money to strangers&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. If I'm in a good mood and they're not being a pain in the ass I usually wish them good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I live they usually start with &lt;em&gt;&quot;Sorry, mind if I ask you something?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and then they tell their life story so you pay them just to get it over with, or that's what they aim for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm in a hurry and I  feel reasonably sure that's what's coming and they approach me I just refuse to engage at all. (&lt;em&gt;&quot;No, I don't have time.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to listen to the stories first and take them in good faith but I ended up realizing I'm just wasting both our times. If I let them talk they get all salty because they wasted their time trying to sell me on their bullshit story. I don't care to keep up the pretense that they're not begging me for money because they don't appreciate that either. I just cut to the chase. Same goes for people who try to sell me shit on the street, in public transport or door-to-door, they're all the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Addendum: I'm 22M and Dutch, our culture is very straight-forward and I'm generally not physically intimidated by the types that approach me. My approach may not fit you and your situation, e.g. when you're a small lady in Paris.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3499" LastEditorUserId="3499" LastEditDate="2017-09-28T14:08:03.290" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T14:08:03.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4694" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4670" CreationDate="2017-09-28T14:45:44.623" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reflect that this neighbor is moving, and afterwards you are likely to never interact with them over this matter again. You may stay friends, or you may not, but it will no longer be a relationship of necessity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, whoever moves in you &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; have to deal with for an indeterminate length of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that, a family with a child who has a pathological fear of dogs (probably either due to lack of exposure, or some previous incident), is not a family that is liable to do well in your neighborhood. That could end up causing problems for everyone. You aren't going to be doing your new neighbors or yourself any favors by hiding the nature of the neighborhood from them until they move in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, it might be a good gesture to a friend to avoid doing anything unsightly (eg: hanging underwear, taking the dog out for a poo, car maintenance) on your lawn when they have prospective buyers over. I know I'd appreciate that when my house goes up for sale one day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as the friendship goes, if there is really something there, then it will still be there after the enforced relationship of &quot;neighbor&quot; is gone. In the meantime, if you can be a sympathetic ear throughout this stressful process for her, a friend should come to appreciate that. I've found a lot of times when people chew my ear off about something, a sympathetic hearing is all they really want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Great Robert Frost callout, btw. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/mending-wall&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;That poem&lt;/a&gt; is even about unnecessarily building a fence to appease a neighbor. But notice that in that poem both neighbors are sharing the effort of building the fence &lt;em&gt;together&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="5047" LastEditDate="2017-09-28T19:08:40.110" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T19:08:40.110" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4670" CreationDate="2017-09-28T15:02:56.320" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I find that charts and graphs help a lot, so I've mocked up what I assume your corner looks like based on the description in your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have a large corner lot facing South. Abby has a regular lot facing West (towards the side of my house, with a good view of all of it, including what is my &quot;back yard&quot;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/nGnPm.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/nGnPm.png&quot; alt=&quot;Diagram of anongoodnurse&amp;#39;s corner&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a corner lot, too and we have a fence pretty much just like this. We &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; have a dog and this question really made me wonder how much more I'd like our backyard if it wasn't fenced... but that's another story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that Abby is scared. She really &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt; her house to sell, and soon. She's not really thinking through what she's asking, because she's trying very hard to sell her house. The important thing for you is to be the opposite. Be logical and show her how this would affect you. She may not be willing to accept it initially but I think she will come around after a while. I'm going to call this a &quot;knee-jerk reaction&quot; because that's what it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what do you tell her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show her how much of your lot would be cut off by a fence and how that would make you less able to use your yard. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show her the cost of such a fence and that you can not afford to put one in but be sure to emphasize that, even if you were able to afford it or she offered to pay for it, point one still applies.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer to meet her part way - if she (or her realtor) will let you know when the house is being shown, you will keep your dogs inside or take them somewhere else.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now she's concerned for herself and probably doesn't realize the burden a fence would put on you, so explaining the physical and financial burden will hopefully clue her in to the enormity of the &quot;ask&quot; she's put on you. Being willing to hide the dogs shows that you're considering her concerns and offering another solution that doesn't have these costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be respectful of her concerns but stand firm. Commiserate but explain to her in detail why a fence isn't an option for you. Assure her that you're willing to help her sell her house as best you can but this isn't a request you're able to comply with. Be a friend (note that being a friend doesn't mean you let the friend walk all over you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T15:02:56.320" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4696" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4672" CreationDate="2017-09-28T15:27:49.880" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some assumptions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are unlikely to be postcard-matched with the same person in the future&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It is customary to send a thank-you note (is this actually true?)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, there's little benefit in instructing your correspondent, especially considering point #1.  I'd assume that the sender was acting in good faith and made a mistake, not trying to offend your personal  sensibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a quote from the homepage of postcrossing.com:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Every single postcard brings me love, from different corner of the world. The little piece of paper has its temperature, just right enough to make people feel warm. By sending a postcard to someone, we send out care and love. While the postcards are being exchanged, the love is spread out...”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the spirit of the hobby, I'll recommend your thank-you note if any should just be a simple thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T01:14:09.517" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T01:14:09.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4670" CreationDate="2017-09-28T15:53:37.987" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Point out how you fencing your yard will not solve Abby's dog problem.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of your neighbours have dogs. I would be very surprised if your yard was the only one without fences in the neighbourhood. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Abby, I could go ahead and fence my yard. But I'm afraid it won't help you. That family know there are dogs in the neighborhood. They clearly have an irrational fear. They won't be happy unless you can convince all our neighbours to build fences too.&quot; Then point out the easier solution:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Abby builds a fence around her own yard.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course the oneness is on Abby (and not you) to make her property attractive to buyers. But you should avoid pointing this out. Instead focus on how her building a fence will keep any prospective buyers 'safe' from the local dogs, and you doing the same won't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the conversation is not a case of &quot;me versus you&quot;. It's a case of &quot;me and you versus all the dog owners in the neighborhood&quot;. And that's a  fight Abby cannot win so will not even try. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6574" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T15:53:37.987" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4700" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1913" CreationDate="2017-09-28T17:35:32.723" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Great question - this comes up from time to time.  I answer only to help others who come across this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Unusual advice: lead your conversations more instead of follow.  About half the time this issue comes up, you're following in a conversational structure.  If you initiate more, such as &quot;Let's grab lunch on Thursday at [x] on noon&quot; then this will come up less.  Also, if you do this a lot, you'll earn the reputation of being a hoster over an attendee and people won't see it as unusual that you're on social media.  About half the time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As you've probably noticed, if you give a serious reply, &lt;em&gt;this never helps&lt;/em&gt;.  I wasted a year trying this - very dumb of me!  I even tried lighter replies like, &quot;Oh Gosh, I just don't have the time.&quot;  Also dumb.  If you absolutely want to stay connected with them and you're unwilling to offer an acceptable alternative (based on their response), you may either have to join or let them go.  If you offer a phone instead and they say, &quot;I don't do phone, only Faceplace&quot; that may be a reality for interacting with them further or staying connected.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer a physical alternative.  One benefit of everyone trying to be a virtual friend is that physical friendships can mean more to some people (kinesthetic types especially).  Don't take it personal if they don't say yes when you offer an alternative and make it easy for them.  This is how I do it:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah, I don't do the whole socme thing.  Just text me the event at&#xA;  [number], or if that's too much, no worries.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are billions of other people to meet, so if they want me around, they'll meet me on my turf.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For some of the readers reading this post, sometimes you're being filtered when you're asked this question.  Don't take it personal; some people won't associate with people who are not on social media.  It happens.  Some people are also just looking to add you at a &lt;code&gt;+1&lt;/code&gt; and that's it, so you may not be missing out on anything.  From hearing people talk about their social media interactions, it doesn't sound like a lot more than complaining most of the time, but who knows - maybe some depth exists.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I noticed that I never got asked this question at kickball practice or Karate. &#xA;As it turns out, I was being asked this question because of what I was doing.  As I did more outdoor and physical activities, I never got asked this question.  In a way, I try to be on the 'net as little as I can when I'm not at work.  For some people reading this, consider this question a filter for people you may want to spend more or less time with - it doesn't come up with some groups.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As another poster mentioned, this comes up a lot for those of us who don't watch TV too.  &quot;Did you see the latest Game of Bones episode?/Did you see the latest sports game?&quot;  Same type of situation and often it may sometimes indicate that you don't share the same interests with these people.  In other situations, you and the other may learn to talk about shared interests instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T17:35:32.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3793" CreationDate="2017-09-28T17:57:32.683" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Control the schedule yourself.  Tell her something along the lines of &quot;It's not baby time; let's do baby time at 3!&quot;  I have done this myself and got (a) cute pix to look at, at times I got to pick; and (b) some 'white collar worker time'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T17:57:32.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4212" CreationDate="2017-09-28T18:09:17.907" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am assuming you want this person to leave you alone forever, not just tone it down.  And are you talking about stopping the social media barrage, or also not talking to him when you pass in public?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want no contact with him at all, it's hard to do that without it feeling like a rejection, because it is one.  If that is your policy, two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't drag it out.  Make it clear and tell him.  &quot;We don't get along.  Let me be.&quot;  (I prefer this one, as it's a big time-saver)  Block him on social media.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Drag it out.  Be icy, formal, and polite when seeing him in public, and at first opportunity excuse yourself.  Of course, you're dooming your mutual friend to at least one long weepy conversation with the fellow.  Block him on social media.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T18:09:17.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4703" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4708" CreationDate="2017-09-28T18:17:23.413" Score="20" ViewCount="6910" Body="&lt;p&gt;I went to the movies with two people: a friend and a guy that I previously had gone on a date with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has never touched me before. I think maybe once lightly on the arm when he was guiding me through a crowded area. But other than that no shoulders, no back, nothing. He was very open on our date, but since then has almost closed up personally, but still is somewhat flirtatious and joking. I go back and forth between having a really good time with him, laughing and joking, to hardly talking and feeling like he doesn't really want anything with me anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then at the movies, I jumped, (it was a horror flick) and he tapped my mid thigh a bit asking if I was okay. Then a little bit later he he did again, but with his whole hand. And then he did a third time, but he let his hand rest there for longer than necessary, not like a quick gesture but more pointedly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I at first thought that he was interested in me on a more genuine level, but with the way things have been going, I wonder if at this point he just wants sex. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you tell?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6540" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-28T21:32:07.403" LastActivityDate="2019-01-09T04:25:53.683" Title="How do you distinguish between a guy wanting a relationship or just sex?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3645" CreationDate="2017-09-28T18:17:23.820" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;@Sebastian this bit from a comment above &quot;they don't know the specific reason I quit&quot; is at least half the problem here.  I think this boss guy doesn't fully understand the extent to which this particular project is off limits to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would talk to him, professional to professional.  Tell him, &quot;Look, I like working with you and [company].  But Project X is a very bad fit for me.  Let's take a look at what projects are going on, and see if we can find a better fit.&quot;  If you two can't come to an agreement on that basis, friendly handshake and tell him to keep you in his rolodex, you're sure something else will come up before long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In passing, one has to wonder what was so toxic about Project X?  Was it the people on the project, or the nature of the work itself?  Boss will likely ask you that.  And you should be honest, otherwise he might give you what you &lt;strong&gt;say&lt;/strong&gt; you want and put you on Project Y with all the people you hated from Project X transferred in!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T18:17:23.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4705" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4670" CreationDate="2017-09-28T18:22:25.320" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, it's important to recognize that Abby is the one who has put your friendship at risk by making an unreasonable demand.  Assuming that you are not required by law to put up a fence for your animals, she has no right to demand that you do.  (Ask, maybe, but even that's a stretch--a fence is a pretty big expense and change to your property).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As another poster suggested, offering to make sure your dogs are inside provided she gives you a reasonable amount of notice would be generous of you.  You may also consider offering introducing your dogs to the child if the kid's parents thought that would be helpful.  (I say this with sympathy as I was a child also fearful of dogs).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are willing to have a fence (and there's no reason you have to be) then saying, &quot;I'm afraid we don't have the budget for a fence right now.  If you are able to fund it, we are willing to put one up.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you don't want a fence, &quot;I'm very sorry, but we're not able to have a fence right now.  Is there anything else we can do to help instead?&quot; would show you are concerned but also maintaining your own boundaries.  No further explanation is needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And honestly... casual friends who are brought together by circumstances of geography tend to fade away pretty quickly once you are moved apart.  Be polite, be positive, but don't lose too much sleep if it doesn't go well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3306" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T18:22:25.320" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2958" CreationDate="2017-09-28T18:36:38.513" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the thing ... Bob is not subtle.  He doesn't &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; subtle.  You can work with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he starts complaining interminably about how Kevin messed up Project Q, tell him so.  &quot;Bob, enough with Project Q already, I'm tired of hearing about that.  Seriously.  How bout them [local sports team]?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he starts getting loud, tell him so.  &quot;Ey Bob, tone it down a bit.  Folks are staring at you.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Y'know, you might also consider inviting colleague out without Bob...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T18:36:38.513" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-09-28T18:44:51.243" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum...  I love babies and &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to melt into a pile of goo on the floor for them.  However, I'm also &lt;em&gt;busy&lt;/em&gt; and don't always have time to subtly dropkick people out of my way and get to the bambino.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So...  If my coworker brings her baby over by my desk and I'm not in the baby zone, I've had a lot of success just doing this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Smile at parent and baby&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Focus on baby.  Say &quot;Young sir [or miss, depends on baby], you are behind schedule.  I need you out on the floor, stat!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Smile again, turn back to work&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T18:44:51.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4703" CreationDate="2017-09-28T19:42:33.600" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;Friendships, dating and intercourse can be incredibly confusing even to those experienced in them, and if you are new to dating and those kinds of relationships it makes it even more difficult to know how to interpret gestures and contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think (especially given your inexperience and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4664/should-i-pursue-a-friendship-with-a-classmate-or-let-it-be&quot;&gt;your question here&lt;/a&gt;), your best course of action is to sit down in a neutral place with him and just ask him what he is pursuing. Find out if he wants a friendship, dating or something more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, this is difficult to do, especially if you are shy, but it is much better than over analyzing every time he touches you or doesn't, how he communicates, how he looks at you, etc. It may be a little disheartening if he says he only wants to be friends, but then at least you know. Some people are naturally more touch/contact inclined, whether that is familial or cultural background. His touching you may just be how he naturally interacts with people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest element though is trust. A lot of it comes down to how much you trust the person. Especially when you are naive and inexperienced, you are vulnerable to someone saying what they think you want to hear in order to achieve their own ends. It's manipulative and reprehensible, but there are men that are only in it for the conquest and then they move on. Be upfront with what YOU want, and what YOUR expectations are about a relationship. If YOU don't want to sleep with him, don't. But you do need to communicate that to him. Communication is the biggest part of just about any relationship, and unfortunately it's also one of the most misused and/or neglected parts. Find out what his aims are, explain what you want, and see if they mesh. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that unwittingly you have been giving him mixed signals or that he has misinterpreted your actions and he is just as confused about your aims as well. Talk to him, explain your point of view, and see what his answers are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T05:50:56.500" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T05:50:56.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4709" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4720" CreationDate="2017-09-28T20:16:03.997" Score="10" ViewCount="806" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an avid reader of non-fiction.  Most books I read are very relevant to the real world (topics such as psychology, history, various religions, parenting, racial tensions in America, etc.)  Quite a few of my opinions have come to be based on book knowledge (paired with some life experiences of course).  As a result, when these topics come up in casual conversation it only seems natural that I would bring some book knowledge to the table.  My question is how to do this well.  Here are some options I see using a somewhat silly example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stating I read a book.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;&quot;I read a book on productivity and it said multitasking isn't possible.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  This seems awkward to me, most people don't really seem to care that I read a book on the topic.  It also seems overly safe as my opinions are not included in the statement. This does gives the added weight of an opinion backed by research however.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;State the information as fact (or personal opinion).&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;em&gt;&quot;Multitasking isn't possible.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; This doesn't give credit to the source of the information.  This doesn't give any weight to the reliability of the fact.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Use a more generic I've heard statment.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;&quot;I've heard that multitasking isn't possible.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  Seems smooth to me but adds no credibility to the statement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of these seem like the best option to me.  What is a good way to bring up book knowledge that isn't awkward but also adds credibility to the statement? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5241" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T22:06:29.030" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T22:06:29.030" Title="How to use book knowledge in casual conversation?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="222" CreationDate="2017-09-28T20:26:30.073" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, I think you tagged me in your post by mistake?  I don't think it has anything to do with me.  Did you mean a different Ankit?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are clearly stating that this is irrelevant to you while allowing them the face-saving of pretending it was an innocent mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist they tagged you purposely--and will continue to do so--then I'd go with something along the lines of, &quot;I have to watch my privacy settings and Facebook can be weird with tags.  If you don't mind, please don't tag me--I see your page all the time and I'll notice it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source--worked with my crazy sister-in-law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3306" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T20:26:30.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4703" CreationDate="2017-09-28T21:00:34.243" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are plenty of grey areas when dealing with a situation such as this. It's easy to take either side (claiming whether he was being physically flirtatious or not) and justify it using the information presented in the question and interpolate it to whatever extent. Both have their own ramifications and so it's important that a conclusion is arrived at with a bit of judiciousness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The way it's described in the question, the &lt;em&gt;first tap&lt;/em&gt; by itself doesn't sound extremely odd. If that's where it was to end, I'd consider it more of a &lt;em&gt;friendly&lt;/em&gt; reassurance&lt;sup&gt;&lt;i&gt; 1 &lt;/i&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The second touch, where he is said to have used his whole hand, is where this starts becoming slightly &lt;b&gt;murky&lt;/b&gt;. Strictly speaking, a reassurance from a friend, or an inappropriate touch can both be classified under this gesture. Yet, nothing conclusive just yet.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The thing about the third touch is very similar to the second, except its duration. I don't think you're completely incorrect in thinking / feeling that this was inappropriate. As far as my personal opinion is concerned, I wouldn't call it &lt;b&gt;&lt;em&gt;neutral&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/b&gt;, especially considering the nature and repetitiveness of touches. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It wasn't as if you asked for it, but then that shouldn't mean a friend can't reassure you. However, that also doesn't give someone a license to offer a reassurance in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. Besides, hand reaching out to a specific body part, three times in a row, can't be totally dismissed as benign. Additionally, even if the intent was to check if you were doing all right, there can be other ways to express that concern, than to simply reach out with repetitive touches in almost flirtatious way.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; This brings me back to &quot;1&quot; above.... &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly speaking, once you're an adult, no one other than yourself can determine what's inappropriate for you, even if someone tries to use some vague standards to call it appropriate! Listen to your gut instincts, consider asking open ended questions to yourself, and try to validate your thoughts a few times to conclusively decide what you really felt about the incident. And then, if you still keep leaning in favor of identifying it as an &lt;em&gt;inappropriate gesture&lt;/em&gt;, then be sure to have reasons and clarity of thought to explain why to someone who thinks it wasn't (and vice-versa). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is surely not easy, but all I want to say is, the more you work on your instincts (and stay humble in the process), the less validation you'll have to seek from others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; Future course of action: &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Going by the comments, it's all right to have your religious priorities in place, but don't expect the same from others. So, the natural progression of a friendship / relationship can't be uni-dimensional if two people have opposing views.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Next, if you did really feel uncomfortable, and might be willing to take the opportunity to talk about this incident with the person concerned, you could one day go up to him directly. Preferably not in a completely isolated place, but also where no one else might listen when you talk. Don't budge then and tell him upfront how and why you found the incident uncomfortable. Evaluate his expressions and reactions. See if he says &lt;em&gt;&quot;sorry&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. See if he tries to clarify his intents or make excuses — again, thin line of difference between the two, but can perhaps be spotted by the body language and the conviction (or the lack of thereof) in the tone. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you would still be interested in talking to that person in future (and his reply to your admission of discomfort sounds somewhat reasonable to you), don't shut the communication off completely, but maybe make it clear that you were only upset about that incident (thus far) and just wanted to address the issue, before it created too many misunderstandings.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could also maybe keep an eye on how he behaves with other girls. If one's a &lt;em&gt;player&lt;/em&gt;, then you likely wouldn't be the first or only girl who would feel uncomfortable in their presence.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Finally, there's nothing wrong with taking your time to build a friendship / relationship gradually and even question the roots of it time and again — especially when in doubt — and figure out for yourself as to what you really want; how; if there's enough respect, desired level of sensitivity and consideration for you from the other end, and so on.... It's only when two people are able to establish a reasonable trust over each other that a frequent scrutiny is no longer necessary. In summary, there doesn't have to be a need to rush into placing someone on the pedestal or dismissing them right away.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T21:00:34.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4712" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4670" CreationDate="2017-09-28T21:01:22.140" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It looks like your friend was verbally assaulted by their realtor who has no business in your relationship and is eager to do whatever it takes to get the house sold ASAP. This conversation should have stressed your friend to the point she asked you to build a fence on your property just to help her sell theirs, which is completely unreasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Appeals to reason don't work well on people who are stressed. Instead, you should give it some time to let your friend calm down. Suggest you talk about it the next day instead of today. Every hour your friend spends thinking her request over works to your advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, meet with your friend to discuss about the situation, and let talk. Ask her what exactly she wants from you. Ask her who she thinks should pay for the fence you don't need. Ask her how many prospective buyers she's had, and how many of them were disturbed by your dogs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, suggest. If your friend agrees that only a single buyer had an issue with your dogs, tell that she can safely ignore that single incident without any significant impact on her chances to sell. If she insists it's a problem, suggest an alternative solution, like keeping your dogs inside during the visits. And, &lt;strong&gt;if your friend's realtor keeps bugging her about the fence, suggest that the realtor should call you instead&lt;/strong&gt;. Since you'd have no friendship to keep in this case, you could simply say to this person that they have no right to make such a request and they can forget about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastEditorUserId="3211" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T10:15:10.750" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T10:15:10.750" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4713" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4703" CreationDate="2017-09-28T21:10:57.440" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to wonder why he put his hand on your thigh...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's interested in being your boyfriend, at some point physical contact will occur, holding hands, kissing, etc. But he understands you're shy, maybe he also is. So...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Situation &quot;friends&quot; would be you two sitting at opposite sides of a table, having dinner and an interesting flirtacious conversation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Situation &quot;in a relationship&quot; would be, for example, you sitting on his lap, he's holding your waist and cuddling, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But... how to get from one to the other, from his perspective?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking &quot;Would you be my girlfriend?&quot; would sound silly and awkward, plus it invites an even more awkward verbal rejection like &quot;Let's just stay friends although we both know we won't see each other ever again...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, since he's not sure you like him, going straight for a kiss like in the movies would be a very bad idea... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So he patted your thigh. If you had replied &quot;don't touch me!&quot; or tensed or had displayed other non-verbal cues of being annoyed then he'd have known you're not attracted to him, no need to explain or make a painful rejection scene. It's a part of your body that is still a bit &quot;private&quot; but not really offensive to touch (ie, not like your butt), so it leaves you the possibility to reject him without getting angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently you accepted his contact, so he did it again, this time longer and more pointedly, and you also accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why he touched your thigh three times, the first time just a brush or a pat so you could both think it wasn't intentional if you were annoyed or offended, this provides an easy way out of an embarrassing situation for both. Then the next times he added a bit more pressure to make sure you got the message. It's all non-verbal communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point he's a lot more hopeful about his odds of success I guess...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I at first thought that he was interested in me on a more genuine level, but with the way things have been going, I wonder if at this point he just wants sex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could be overthinking a bit. Well, in fact, a lot. Guys aren't that complicated ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply put: if he only wanted casual sex, he'd have pursued a woman more experienced, less shy, less religious, etc. Also the long and interesting conversations would have been shorter and less interesting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're 18, you say you never had a boyfriend, he's 21 so he's probably had a few girlfriends already, so he knows that even if you two have a perfect love story, it'll still take a loooong time before the clothes come off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to answer your question, I'd say he's a lot more likely to be interested in a genuine relationship. Which will of course lead to sexytimes, but you get to choose if/when/how that occurs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it's up to you to decide if you trust this guy enough or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T21:10:57.440" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4709" CreationDate="2017-09-28T22:37:14.467" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Books are an excellent source of information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking, though, telling someone you read a fact in a book (even non-fiction) isn't sufficient to make them instantly trust that the fact must be true.  Especially in today's market where anyone can publish a book themselves.  Even if it's a respectable source, unless the person you are talking to recognizes and is familiar with the author, it's not going to be sufficient to lend credence to your argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were talking with someone and they mentioned the blue sky and you came back with &quot;The sky isn't blue -- I read it in a book&quot; and leave it at that, you are not contributing to the conversation, regardless of the method you chose from your example to deliver the statement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your comment will be interpreted differently depending on who you are talking with.  Some may think that you're referring to sunset, when the sky changes color.  Many may recall back to childhood science classes, being told that a green object looks green because it absorbs the other colors and the joke that it's actually all the colors you don't see.  Perhaps they will turn the idea that the actual molecules themselves in the sky aren't colored, and we aren't seeing them.  Others may interpret it as a dig against pollution, and how the sky is getting discolored because of smoke.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of whether it's a fact or an opinion, a statement isn't contributing to the conversation unless the other party understands why it is being made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the same with a book. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Non-Fiction books (at least, good, compelling ones that you will be quoting) do not simply list facts.  They describe the science or history that led to the fact and give a full description of what it means and why it is important.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a book tells you &quot;The sky isn't blue&quot; then it doesn't matter if it's fiction or nonfiction, you aren't going to accept that argument just because it's written down.  A decent article, however, will go on to say  &quot;The sky is predominately a combination of blue and violet wavelengths -- it looks blue to humans because the neural signal from our eyes processes the combination of blue plus violet light the same way it would handle blue plus white light.&quot;  It could go on to talk about how if humans evolved an extra range of cones, they would see the sky differently than when they're looking at what we perceive to be the same color blue.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to use &quot;Book Learning&quot; in conversation, you should keep the same thing in mind.  Telling me a fact is not useful.  It does not contribute to the conversation, and it is likely not interesting enough for me to remember.  So don't just tell me that Multitasking isn't possible -- I eat while watching TV, I listen to music while driving.  Explain to me the rationale that led you to believe the book when it told you Multitasking isn't possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tldr;&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Book Knowledge&quot; isn't any different from any other knowledge you might have.  Examples 1, 2, and 3 are just hooks to get the other party interested in a topic, or to find out if they're already familiar with what you're about to talk about.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Which one you choose isn't nearly as important as what you say afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1)  &quot;I read a book on productivity and it said multitasking isn't possible.  &lt;em&gt;Apparently, the research shows .... Frankly, I have a hard time believing it, because...&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2)  &quot;Multitasking isn't possible.  &lt;em&gt;People think they can multitask because...&lt;/em&gt; &quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3)   &quot;I've heard that multitasking isn't possible.  &lt;em&gt;The claim was that...&lt;/em&gt;&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6588" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T22:37:14.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4709" CreationDate="2017-09-28T22:49:22.503" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hmm ... I read [book] by [author] and he makes a pretty strong case that multitasking doesn't work.  Here was his argument...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you're identifying that you've gotten your position from this book, which is presumably written by someone who has thought deeply on the subject.  And then you summarize the high points of his argument.  This invites your conversation partner to evaluate the argument and decide whether he likes it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a similar experience talking with friends about dinosaurs; I cited &quot;The Dinosaur Heresies&quot; by Robert Bakker and his lovely arguments [1].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do be aware, of course, that &quot;bcos it's in a book&quot; doesn't automatically make it right, but it does, fairly or not, encourage one to stop and take its approach seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[1]  If you are a dino enthusiast &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt;, I beg you to run -- not walk -- to your local library and check it out!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T22:49:22.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4716" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-09-28T22:55:51.193" Score="3" ViewCount="948" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if it belongs here but I'm at a loss. There's a woman in South Africa who doesn't have anyone to turn to. I'm trying to help talk her out of harming herself. She says she's lost everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there any resources for women in situations like this? What can I say to help her? I haven't experienced anything quite like this, so I'm not sure I understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6540" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T06:00:54.013" LastActivityDate="2020-02-03T19:32:42.967" Title="How to help someone who threatens self-harm over the internet?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-09-29T06:35:09.880" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4632" CreationDate="2017-09-28T23:15:14.023" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's be pragmatic and build some priorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My boyfriend, John,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever is done you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; prioritize this first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt; else is what you should be flexible on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cats are not a subject to be breaking up about (unless we're talking room fulls of them).  And I speak as a person who dislikes cats intensely.  But if my significant other wanted a cat, hey, there's a cat in my future - relationship first, other stuff is &quot;negotiable&quot; (i.e. you put up with it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;has a female cat. He's had her for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that cat is OK with both of you and, as an old friend of John's gets next priority in your thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He also happens to have a friend, Lily ... I admire what Lily does. She really cares about cats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lily is bottom of your priority list.  And frankly from what you say, Lily put cats before people, so she is completely inflexible and her opinions are irrelevant to you and hopefully to John.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now, a few months ago, Lily convinced John to adopt a male kitten.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you have a cat which is male in the same house as one that is female.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rest of your story is irrelevant in a pragmatic sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You guys have two cats.  Lily has opinions and that's all she has unless she wants to take back the kitten.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you and John's options are simple :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Keep both cats.  Neutering is a decision if you want to ensure no kittens.  But that's a choice for both of you and both of you need to agree.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Keep John's old cat and pass the new kitten on elsewhere.  You can give Lily first refusal and ask for a quick decision (set a deadline) before you do something yourselves.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Get rid of both cats.  Seems very unlikely as one is John's long time companion, but it's an option.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forget Lily and what she promised or said or thinks.  She's an obsessive on this subject and does &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; have your needs or John's at the head of her priorities.  Her happiness is not relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's get back to this point :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My boyfriend, John&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; decide if keeping your boyfriend is worth more than any number of cats, kittens or their offspring.  This may (depending on John's attitude) be something you have to accept as part of a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you should set a boundary for John : no more taking pets from Lily or her friends regardless of what she says.  Clearly it leads to too many problems, and, honestly, two cats is enough for two people (unless you want more kittens, of course).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(If I get involved),&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As John's significant other both you and him should think of this as an issue for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I make Lily realize neutering the kitten can't wait ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Factor Lily out.  You should gently express to John that she's not really involved practically and has effectively dump a kitten on him.  Again, she loves cats, but not so much people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I/we avoid discussions about what's right or wrong about the female cat? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why avoid them ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you two can't talk out a problem over cats in your relationship, it doesn't bode well for something really complicated, like, well, everything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The female cat is an old friend of John's.  If it's parts of his life then it's part of yours, but, yes, he does get to decide.  Remember : prioritize your relationship over a minor issue about a cat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The male kitten is the real issue.  From a practical point of view John needs to decide if he wants the responsibility for that male cat (and all it implies) or he should pass that responsibility on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're living together you get a 50% vote.  If you're not, you get no vote.  You can make gentle expressions of your opinion, but don't nag him : ask, don't tell.  No matter what Lily gets no vote : she doesn't have to live with the consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-09-28T23:15:14.023" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4716" CreationDate="2017-09-28T23:41:57.060" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;As more and more people use the internet, long-distance cries for help are getting more and more common. If you were in the same room, it would be best to help that person find someone who is trained in this sort of situation. Around here, I'd contact a counsellor or take a suicidal person to the nearest hospital. But you can't do that over the internet and we don't know who would be best to help someone who lives in a different culture. So I'd say the best thing to do is what the &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/99338/who-are-the-community-team-and-what-do-they-do&quot;&gt;Community Team&lt;/a&gt; does when these situations come up on the network. We send a personal email like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Introduce yourself if appropriate.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm concerned about you. It sounds like you're [explain how you heard the other person is feeling down or in a tough situation]. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If so, I recommend calling the &lt;a href=&quot;http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;National Suicide Prevention Line&lt;/a&gt; (1-800-273-8255) or use their online chat [&lt;a href=&quot;http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx]&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx]&lt;/a&gt;. The people there are on call around the clock to talk to people struggling with the same kind of issues you are. Despite the &quot;National&quot; in their name they're happy to talk to people outside of the US. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please respond to tell me that you'll either contact one of the resources above, or just go to your local emergency medical center right away. The most important issue here for us is making sure you are okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Best,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  [name]  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally I'd want to use my first name to try to make a human connection. I'm not trained to give advice in this situation, so my primary goal is to get them in touch with someone who can help. Every now and then I get a response, which is wonderful. More often I never hear from the person again. It's unsettling to think about, but it's not my responsibility (or even possible) to help everyone who needs it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are using a medium other than email, I encourage you to find a private space to communicate. On Stack Exchange, we delete posts and comments that indicate a desire toward suicide or self-harm. It just draws unnecessary attention and poses a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Copycat_suicide&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;copycat risk&lt;/a&gt;. Since email is suitably private (normally) and most everyone has access, it's usually a good way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8" LastEditorUserId="8" LastEditDate="2020-02-03T19:32:42.967" LastActivityDate="2020-02-03T19:32:42.967" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4719" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4632" CreationDate="2017-09-29T03:03:51.840" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a bit difficult to apply to the current situation but &quot;non-violent communication&quot; may help in others similar to it. It sounds like John has difficulty making his needs a priority; it took a lot of practice for me to learn to say how someone's behaviour affected me and how I felt about it. You can't decide why someone did what they did or how they feel about doing it but you can ask them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can make certain you listen actively, repeat back to the person what you heard them say and ask them if you heard correctly. If not, ask for clarification.  (sometimes the difference between what I say and what my partner &quot;hears&quot; is stunning) It may be hard for someone to want to reach that understanding because it may feel like the subject is belabored but if the alternative is yelling and hanging up the phone.... it's a choice to make.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My guess is that both John and Lily feel unheard about aspects of the cats and expectations- cost sharing for John, spaying for Lily. If they want to continue their relationship do they want to leave this unresolved? I'd be uncomfortable with it; maybe they won't but to my mind, seeking common ground and understanding could help the human relationships and improve cat care (especially if it led to locating free or low cost spay/neuter services).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6590" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T04:32:34.987" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T04:32:34.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4709" CreationDate="2017-09-29T03:09:53.793" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer this you first need to understand what kind of conversation you're having.  In particular, is the focus &lt;em&gt;the topic&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;the people&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A presentation at a professional conference, a university class, a discussion among peers in the research lab about their current project -- these are all examples where the focus is the &lt;em&gt;topic&lt;/em&gt;.  The more supported your claims are, the better.  You might have conversations like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: ...and then we can frob the thingum to solve our heat problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: But what about the technobabble problem?  Did you read Dr. Moriarty's paper in JIR last month?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: No, that's not a problem.  Know &amp;amp; All published a study about this, where they...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's one extreme.  At the other end of the spectrum, you have conversations that are really about &lt;em&gt;the participants&lt;/em&gt; more than the content itself.  Family conversations can often be like that, in my experience.  They can go something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom: ...so I told him I restart my router every day to make the Internet go faster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me, inside voice: &lt;em&gt;err, that's not how it works.  But this was a tangent from her story about her neighbor's computer woes.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Was your neighbor able to recover anything from his fried hard drive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this example, the conversation is social lubricant; it's not really about router care.  This doesn't mean you should never correct or clarify; for example, if your family member talks about how he doesn't worry about opening attachments because he has anti-virus software (that's five years old and he never updates), you probably want to do something about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you know something or read something in a book, &lt;em&gt;by itself&lt;/em&gt;, usually isn't very important in a social conversation.  People are talking with you, not your bookshelf.  The exception is if you've learned something that you really do find exciting or fascinating and that you think the people you're talking with would be interested in.  In that case you can work it into a conversation, but do still be careful to give people an &amp;quot;out&amp;quot; (more on that in a moment).  Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworkers at lunch: &lt;em&gt;talking about newly-discovered exoplanets in another star system&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I was just reading about that.  Did you know that there might be &lt;em&gt;four&lt;/em&gt; habitable planets in just that one system?  I didn't think that was possible, but this article in (some journal) sounded pretty convincing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you wait for someone to express interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to give people an out.  Maybe you thought the conversation was more about content but the others think it's more social and they'd rather segue into a conversation about using faster-than-light travel to reach those planets.  Or maybe they want to take that nugget of information at face value and talk about what it would be like to live in a system with several habitable planets.  (Or maybe they just don't want to hear another lecture from you, if you tend to misread conversations.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you make a &lt;em&gt;conversational offer&lt;/em&gt; without launching in straightaway. Give them the chance to say &amp;quot;oh really? how do they know that?&amp;quot;, or to instead say &amp;quot;oh cool&amp;quot; and then move on.  Conversation is give and take.  Be sensitive to context and how others are participating.  Don't be Sheldon Cooper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T03:09:53.793" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3645" CreationDate="2017-09-29T04:23:48.497" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the work he is directing you to is not just what he earlier told you it would be the phrase you may employ is &quot;That/this is not what was discussed.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make clear the difference between what he knew you did not want and what he promised, and make clear that the actuality of your taking the job depends on this. Any action you take on this basis will be well understood and respected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T04:23:48.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4212" CreationDate="2017-09-29T06:19:54.543" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First the question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I stop him without hurting his feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is easy: You don't. If you can stop him talking to you, it will hurt his feelings and there is nothing you can do about it. You can explain to him that you are not interested in a deeper friendship, you can explain that you don't hate him. It will make it a bit easier on him and it can stop him from talking to you, but he will be hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also could try something else:&#xA;The person, as somebody else answered already, seems to be in need of a friend and not able to find one. People need friends, so they try to get to someone. If the stuff he is talking about is boring to you, how about you try talking about stuff that interests you. Possibly you find something he is interested in, too, possibly he finds you as a potential better friend interesting enough so he will start to look into that stuff. If neither is true, you can still hurt his feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6593" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T06:19:54.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1139" CreationDate="2017-09-29T06:34:35.787" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something I've done in a similar situation is ask, &quot;Is this a bad time?&quot;  And then ... wait.  If they actually see your company as more engaging as their phone, they'll get the hint.  On the other hand, if the phone really is more captivating and they keep it up, well, it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a bad time.  Tell them they seem busy, you'll catch up later, and go do something else.  I've had this happen and my younger friend actually asked &quot;Hey where are you going?&quot;  I had to ask him, &quot;you seriously don't realize that this constant phone use is rude?&quot;  Turned into a very enlightening conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't really come up often for me.  The crowd I run with is a bit older, and what usually happens is the phone goes off, the guy checks it to make sure it's not some emergency, and then puts it away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T06:34:35.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3645" CreationDate="2017-09-29T07:37:56.490" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A bit off topic to start with but when thinking back on a bad project, you need to focus on what was actually the problem and act depending on that. To quit based on a project, I imagine it was pretty &lt;em&gt;bad&lt;/em&gt; but what was really bad about it? Was it time management? Resource allocation? Bad manager/team lead? Bad codebase? Crappy co-workers (incompetent/hard to talk to etc.)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you answer that, you can formulate a better and maybe more honest answer to your previous boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in a similar situation like you where I was asked by my former boss to work as external to one of my old projects. Knowing that the project was badly managed, which lead to feature changes in a short time, which in turn lead to bad codebase, I was totally honest with him and told him that due to the state of that project, I would prefer not to work on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, approach it from a standpoint of looking to do something new, fresh and exciting. That was the reason you agreed to it in the first place anyway. Being shoved back into an old project offers nothing new, exciting or challenging for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps, good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T07:37:56.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4728" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4731" CreationDate="2017-09-29T08:02:39.447" Score="54" ViewCount="15202" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Brief Summary&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I've been in a bit of a situation recently: one of my co-workers (female, I'm male btw) started flirting with me. It started with her throwing things like &quot;hey, beautiful&quot;, and I took it as a joke. But she became more and more pushy, and it is now a situation where it is a problem for me on several levels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As asked, here are a few example of her behavior:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comments on my appearance, things like &quot;Hey beautifull&quot; or &quot;Nice ass&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Unwanted physical contact, things like touching my leg, pressing herself against me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I have tried so far (chronological order):&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be clear about my lack of interest in her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her that I have a girlfriend, and therefore am not &quot;available&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get angry at her when she behaves that way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk about it to her husband, who doesn't seem to care&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Complain to our manager &lt;strong&gt;AND&lt;/strong&gt; police, and they basically told me to &quot;suck it up&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I can't do&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't ask to be put in another team, nor can I avoid her at the workplace (I'm working at a company of 5 people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot quit my job, at least not for now - due to many personal reasons quitting now would be problematic, and I don't think I'll be able to quit before 10+ months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any 'eye for an eye' tactics, violence, etc are not acceptable, for obvious reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way to get her to stop her behaviour?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T14:00:38.173" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T08:10:01.507" Title="Convince somebody to stop flirting with me" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="19" FavoriteCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-29T09:46:39.253" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have made your point on many different levels to her.&#xA;She wasn't discouraged by a possible complaint to the police too.&#xA;It should be obvious by now that she does not care if you want her.&#xA;Everybody who could influence her is not willing to help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could probably switch her attention from affection to hate.&#xA;For example if you embarrass her at work utilizing her affection to you.&#xA;But with a person like this, it would be like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no way to get rid of her attention to you.&#xA;Try to minimize contact with her. Maybe you can change your table or office room. &lt;strong&gt;But ultimately you have to change your workplace&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2653" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T09:46:39.253" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-29T10:41:06.333" Score="46" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there any way, to get her to stop that behavior ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, that seems utterly impossible by human means. You have made yourself clear, ignored her, complained, moved around, threatened, and so on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's left?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Quit and move away from this toxic environnment (later, as you said).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get help.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take legal action.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DISCLAIMER: I'm not a lawyer, but know french, speak french and could ask about it to people in France, and search the web in french. The following are based upon those. &lt;em&gt;Links are not provided as they are not in english, but can easily be found by french users.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 2&lt;/strong&gt; : you can get help from the dedicated number &lt;strong&gt;08 842 846 37&lt;/strong&gt; (Government run). This hotline is for people who suffer from sexual harassment (victim or witness).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also get help from your &lt;strong&gt;local unions&lt;/strong&gt;, if any in your company, but also &lt;em&gt;outside&lt;/em&gt; of the company. I believe it's quite easy to get the local phone numbers. &lt;strong&gt;NOTE&lt;/strong&gt;: as an individual, you can go by yourself file a complaint to the &lt;em&gt;Conseil de prud'hommes&lt;/em&gt; &lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; or &lt;em&gt;Inspection du travail&lt;/em&gt; &lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 3&lt;/strong&gt; : file a complaint to the special court (&lt;em&gt;Conseil de prud'hommes&lt;/em&gt;) or get help and advice from &lt;em&gt;Inspection du travail&lt;/em&gt;) or to the police (can also be done online in France).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Be very careful, as you have to &lt;strong&gt;prove&lt;/strong&gt; what you say, so you need to document everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;LAWS: (France): Criminal Code - Art. 222-33 (2012/08/06) / Labor Laws - L1153-1  (2012/08/06 - 2012/08/08) - Europe - Art. 2002/73/CE (2002/09/23).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And tell your boss that he's responsible &lt;em&gt;even it this happens outside of the workplace&lt;/em&gt; ! (Cass. soc., 19 oct 2011, n°09-72.672).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This might help, because if he faces legal action, and found being responsible, he will probably make a move &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt;, and talk to her / fire her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To make it more clear (after comments): I would talk again to your boss, and explain carefully what's going on, how much you're bothered, and how it affects both your work and your private life. Choose your words carefully, he has to know, but also not feel threatened by legal action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. This is a special court dealing &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; with labor laws and professional matters, as you know (for non-french readers).&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2. This is a government organization that rules work environnement for persons and companies.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="3981" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T19:23:57.730" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T19:23:57.730" CommentCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4734" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4753" CreationDate="2017-09-29T11:56:54.030" Score="21" ViewCount="58734" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About Me&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Before stating the problem I want to tell you about me. I am a bit of an introvert and very shy around girls. I also have a hard time communicating with people and I don't talk to people a lot. Only with whom my geekiness matches. My girlfriend is also a geek.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About Her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She's hot tempered. She usually gets angry about a lot of things. I am calm by nature. I don't really get angry on anything. And also I have a hard time accepting the fact that she is getting angry on &quot;this&quot; thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problems&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Now going to the problems :&lt;br&gt;&#xA;What happens generally a lot of the time is that when we are discussing on any topic or subject, how I put up my point and tell her something might be anything general or may be something specific to her. &#xA;A lot of the time she perceives what I said in a very wrong way, which is not what I implied or wanted to say, but she takes it like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Scenario 1&lt;/strong&gt;: Time is about 5 am. I am feeling very sleepy and she wants to talk so I kept talking. This goes on till about 6:00 or something. I asked her if we can go to sleep, since we've talked enough and I am very tired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What I meant:&lt;/em&gt; I am very sleepy, we've talked for a bit so we should go to sleep now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How she reacts:&lt;/em&gt; Why are  you saying we have already talked, I didn't ask you for a favor, I didn't stop you from going to sleep, go to sleep. (Angry already)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Scenario 2&lt;/strong&gt;: She is getting angry on someone, her room mate, the shop owner from outside, it could be anyone. She is furious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Me:&lt;/em&gt; I ask her to calm down and that getting angry won't resolve anything and she should not even think about her/him. She tells me why she's getting angry, and when I listen to her I generally think from both of their perspectives. Why she is getting angry and what the other person has done. I try to tell her that he or she might be doing it because of this or that reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How she reacts:&lt;/em&gt; Why don't you go away. You never take my side.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Me:&lt;/em&gt; I just want to tell her these things because I think there is no reason for her to get angry and that the other person might have had their reasons. I don't want her to be pissed off and have a spoiled mood. But instead of calming down she thinks I am also opposing her and supporting the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love her a lot and I genuinely care for her, that's why a lot of the time I keep telling her that she should stop getting angry because that's a bad thing and in return she starts hating me.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to tell her that I want what's best for her, that I do care about her and that I don't mean to say anything bad to her whenever she thinks I am doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry if the question is too general but I really need help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6592" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T17:41:44.223" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T19:55:34.997" Title="How to handle my girlfriend when she takes things wrong way?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="7" ClosedDate="2017-09-30T01:08:27.053" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T12:08:42.937" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;To address your second scenario first, often when someone complains to you about something, they just want you to listen. This is especially common in women talking to men, but not exclusively so. Usually in such a case, the other party doesn't want you to make a judgement or come up with a solution, they just want to feel better by getting something off their chest and feeling understood. To prevent this problem in the future, you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; try asking something like &lt;em&gt;&quot;Before you get into detail, would you like me to just listen or do you want me to help you figure out a solution?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; but ideally you should have a good talk about it with the other person and try to get them to tell you what they expect from you before starting to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your first scenario, my interpretation is that you may need to learn how to be more tactful. The same thing said in different ways can have wildly different implications. If you had said for instance &quot;You know what, I'm dead tired, shall we go to sleep?&quot; rather than &quot;We've been talking for a while now, can we go to sleep already?&quot; then it would have come across a lot better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being more tactful is definitely a skill you can learn. It takes practice though, you won't suddenly get perfect at it overnight. A good start would be that in situations like you describe, if you get a bad reaction you try to evaluate what you said and rephrase it then, i.e. afterwards you say something like &quot;Sorry honey, that came out wrong. I just meant to say that even though I enjoy talking to you, I would like to go to sleep now since I'm really tired.&quot; Over time you should notice an improvement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastEditorUserId="1932" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T13:45:13.873" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T13:45:13.873" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T13:30:56.793" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love her a lot and I genuinely care for her, that's why a lot of the time I keep telling her that she should stop getting angry because that's a bad thing and in return she starts hating me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you wrote this, to answer your question &lt;strong&gt;How to handle my girlfriend when she takes things wrong way?&lt;/strong&gt; the actual answer is that you can't.  You've made a decision to commit to a person who differs in how she handles things compared to you.  You don't seem to lose energy on situations like she does, but since this is a consistent pattern with her, this is a part of who she is.  You can work on how you communicate with her and test ways of getting her to empathize with you (&quot;do you know how you feel when people talk to you, but you're really sleepy ...&quot;), but from the details in your question, she seems very self-focused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would highly suggest that you work on testing communication with her without expectation that she'll change.  Unless you've described her wrong, she doesn't seem very reflective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For other people reading the question for an answer and who may not be committed yet, ask yourself about your gf/bf's behavior here: do you want to be with someone who wastes a lot of energy and time on these type of situations?  &lt;em&gt;You never get your time back ... ever.&lt;/em&gt;  Ask a cancer patient how many complaints they remember?  I'll bet their answer is 0.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is any situation worth losing hours of your life, that result in a 0% return?  If I wasn't committed or in love, I would state - &quot;This is a pattern I've noticed with you.  I'm not like this and don't want to be with someone who thinks venting for hours is productive.  Life has more to offer.&quot;  Yes, that would be an ultimatum, but life is too short to vent for hours at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T13:30:56.793" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4740" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-29T13:31:04.063" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to put my five cents here and state that leaving a workplace, because there is a single person, whose behavior you don't like, is a bad solution to the problem. OP has his own reasons to work at that place. The problem is not that big, the OP can't keep working as usual and doesn't worsen his work reasonably enough to quit it. The situation is as bad as if there was a person, who often(not 24/7 as i can guess from the information provided) jokes on the topic you hate and makes you irritated. So you can just deal with it(of course, after you try every other appropriate ways to solve the problem, but i didn't manage to think about any), as if there has been thrown an inappropriate joke, but the person likes joking even thou nobody laughs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way since what time a grown man can pay so much negative attention to a flirt? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T13:31:04.063" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T13:59:20.577" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;She seems to be very impatient, immature and spoiled. Communication is always the best way to solve problems. You can call her for an honest dialogue about this situation, you could give all these examples you gave and tell her that you want the communication between you to be honest and clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she gets angry and does not want to hear you in any way, this is a big red alert. A person you can not talk to, to reason with, is not a good person to build a relationship. To continue in such relationship will only cause suffering and sadness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is the case, it would be best to end the relationship. Radical like that. If is not, then through sincere communication and good will from both of you, you should be able to improve the quality of your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4225" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T13:59:20.577" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-29T14:22:36.803" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you put it, you can't change your work and don't get help from your manager and police. Well done for taking all the steps you already have taken!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you can change other people. You might be able to change how they treat you. That can be enforced, mostly in organisations. But your manager does not see your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;But you can change how you handle this, so:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Document everything.&lt;/strong&gt; So if you want to press charges, so you can prove what has happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk about it&lt;/strong&gt; with your girlfriend, you need her support (and others family and friends) to handle this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Know the law&lt;/strong&gt;, if or when your co-worker steps over that line you know what to do. This is not a light thing to do. But if you must, know what your options are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore her flirting&lt;/strong&gt;, let it slide, act like it ain't there. Act like you would with a child that seeks attention in a way you don't want. Or a puppy that jumps up. You have made clear you don't want to flirt, or anything else from her, so she knows. Ignore it. Try to keep your emotion out of it, let the interaction from your side be neutral. No anger, no fun, no flirt. Bring your poker face. Act like you don't care. And keep your (physical) boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This is not an easy thing to do. I wish there were better ways to counter (her) flirting, and I hope someone else will come up with one. But she has already shown she does not respect your boundaries. If this does not work, stick with your current job it till you can get an other one. Very few things last forever, this too, will pass.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For actions if / when she crosses the legal line, please see &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4731/6601&quot;&gt;OldPadawan's&lt;/a&gt; answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6601" LastEditorUserId="6601" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T08:10:01.507" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T08:10:01.507" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-29T14:38:05.483" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another poster mentioned just ignoring her, which I believe is one of the better options. However, if you must interact with her any way for work purposes, the extinction response will be less effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, you need to not only ignore her with your words, but also with your facial response. However, given the level emotion and frustration I sense in your post, I think this will be difficult for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Often, flirting by women (and sometimes men) is not a means of attempting to seduce you, but rather expressing &lt;em&gt;a desire for validation&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look for other ways to give her the validation she is craving, while attempting to ignore her flirtations. Eventually, she will see the flirting is not the best way to get what she is after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, &quot;Wow, that report you wrote up for the boss looks great! Gunning for that promotion, huh? We are so lucky to have you here! &quot; :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her, &quot;Wow, looking sexy in that tie today!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, &quot;whatever, the weather sucks today, let me know when you finish the report.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You have completely invalidated  her attempt to flirt with you)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it is not fair for you to have to be one to provide her validation; it is not your job, but life is not always fair, and to my mind, this would be one of the more effective solutions. I am sorry you are in this situation, and will have to take additional responsibilities to deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="533" LastEditorUserId="533" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T15:07:24.057" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T15:07:24.057" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4748" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-29T14:50:10.613" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have the impression she wants to sleep with you ? but does she behave the same way with others?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to put that in perspective before acting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ask because like you, a girlfriend of one of my friends calls me name like 'beauty', texts me for my birthday and even came alone to see me to talk during one of her breaks (my stepmom was there for that last event, and she quit when that happened because she felt a &quot;malaise&quot; there)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, I felt the same way as you, asking why she did that, but ultimately I saw her do that with others and now I just don't care about such things, as she's a good person anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would ignore her or quit that workplace if you can't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the problem you face is that for the society, sexual harassment is a woman/girl problem, not a man/boy problem... People see that as a joke. For example: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.nbcnews.com/id/19536167/ns/business-careers/t/male-sexual-harassment-not-joke/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.nbcnews.com/id/19536167/ns/business-careers/t/male-sexual-harassment-not-joke/&lt;/a&gt;.  The problem if you fight too much is that it can leave you with bad references for a future job, thus why I suggest &lt;strong&gt;quit&lt;/strong&gt; or &lt;strong&gt;ignore&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6605" LastEditorUserId="6605" LastEditDate="2017-10-01T09:47:53.730" LastActivityDate="2017-10-01T09:47:53.730" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T15:08:29.687" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The worst thing about people is, that YOU can not change them. You can only change the way YOU behave. As Cronax answered, you should try to find ways to say things in a more acceptable way ( whatever it might be for her). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing is a little of neurology. When you pinpoint some mistake in someones else behavior (&quot;you got angry&quot;), you are in fact, in their perspective,  attacking the other person ( a short video &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8NydsXl32s&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8NydsXl32s&lt;/a&gt; ).&#xA;Many people are aware that they have done a mistake, but admitting that hurts. Literally. The brain perceives this similar to physical trauma. So a better solution would be to propose a different behavior FROM THAT POINT ON and return to the incident in a better mood. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Mostly for the second situation: &#xA;&quot;That is terrible/(some gruesome word)! what will you do now?&quot; - the focus has been shifted and the anger does not get so much attention. Also she gets to keep her face and is not contradicted. Chances are she will even try to be constructive.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a tricky situation ( I am mostly in her shoes :D ) and I know how much does it cost me not to explode when I am agitated and after the, being corrected. So good luck and have a lot of patience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4522" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T15:08:29.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4750" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T15:24:12.823" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you had a misunderstanding with your girlfriend. That's just a normal relationship challenge. Take it as a chance to get to know her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First word of advice: Imputing misunderstanding and irrationality only to one side is not helpful if you want to find a common understanding. Communication is a two-way street. You told us what you meant and why. Now let's examine her reactions to understand what she understood and why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First reaction:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why are you saying we have already talked, I didn't ask you for a favor, I didn't stop you from going to sleep, go to sleep. (Angry already)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Indeed, why did you talk to her for an hour before you finally admitted you are tired? She might have thought you actually enjoyed the nightly conversation, and now she's disappointed. &quot;He didn't really like to chat with me. He just felt obliged and I was already getting on his nerves&quot;. So perhaps next time have some compassion with yourself (you're tired!) and assert your boundary before it's too late. Also, after one hour, could it be you lost some patience and used less-than-loving language? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second reaction:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why don't you go away. You never take my side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what she wanted is to know that you are on her side, no matter what. She didn't ask for a balanced assessment of the situation; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3573/how-to-get-spouse-to-empathetically-listen-to-problems-instead-of-or-at-least-b&quot;&gt;she didn't ask for a problem solution&lt;/a&gt;. All she wanted was some empathy and someone to align with. And now you empathize with her opponent of all persons! Second word of advice: Save the reason talk for when the anger has calmed down. Telling someone who is overcome with anger to calm down has just the opposite effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T16:11:42.657" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T16:11:42.657" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T15:31:54.697" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe @Cronax is right. She wants to feel loved and supported.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people when angry simply want you to listen to them vent. Others need more; the reason they're angry might be that it triggered something in them that hurts, and their hurt has turned to anger. This is harder to deal with, because you need to figure out the underlying hurt to support them. Another type really is asking if they were correct. This is not the majority, so telling someone their anger is wrong is an ill-considered move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people close to you ('you' meaning anyone in general) are angry, it's uncomfortable. Few people enjoy it, so many want to put a stop to it as soon as possible. So, some people offer or try to &quot;fix&quot; the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...I ask her to calm down... getting angry won't resolve anything and she should not even think about her/him... I try to tell her that he or she might be doing it because of this or that reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's trying to fix the problem, but since anger is rarely simple, this doesn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love her a lot and I genuinely care for her, that's why a lot of the time I keep telling her that she should stop getting angry because that's a bad thing and in return she starts hating me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine this scenario (totally fictional): Imagine your girlfriend was always told she was wrong as a child. Imagine that as a result, when she's told as an adult that she's wrong, it puts her right back in that place where she had no power to fight back when she was told she was wrong, always wrong, to do this, that or the other thing. It's not a pretty place to be, and she's reacting emotionally, not intellectually, whereas you're treating her like this is an intellectual discussion. It's not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to handle my girlfriend when she takes things wrong way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to stay in this relationship, you need to do a few things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, let her vent and &lt;em&gt;listen&lt;/em&gt;. Support her where you can. Point out where she was right, point out when the other person was wrong (not the opposite!) Her anger will dissipate much more quickly if you do this. Then, after she has been calm for a (long) time, ask her why she felt so angry about x, because you want to understand her better. You might see a pattern emerge that will be very helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, don't tell her when she's angry that she's wrong. Just don't, even if she is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, read about boundaries, what they are, how to set them, how to enforce them. When two people love each other, one person's problems are also the other person's problems, until it crosses a line into co-dependency. That line is the boundary between healthy and unhealthy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example of an unhealthy expectation is that you should stay up all night talking with her about her issue. That's an unrealistic and ultimately unkind expectation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setting healthy boundaries are vital to healthy relationships. You will feel less trod upon, she will be less likely to include you in her anger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's an example of a healthy boundary? For starters, when you are both in a good place, talk about this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love you, and I will listen to you when you are upset. I also need sleep to function well the next day. Unless it's a serious emergency, we need to stop talking about your problem at a reasonable hour, and pick up the conversation the next day if needed. I need my sleep, and you need to let me sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she agrees (and she should), then great. Next time she tries to keep you awake, remind her of the agreement. If she gets upset, you do not. Remind her that you love her, and you were serious, you need your sleep, and you'll talk about this tomorrow. If she won't let it go, get up and sleep in another room. If she follows you into that room, you know there's a bigger problem here that you cannot fix by talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Healthy boundaries will help her. Understanding where her anger comes from will help both of you. If you can point out in a supportive way why she might be angry, in a way she'll &lt;em&gt;hear&lt;/em&gt; and feel understood, she will be less likely to stay - and maybe even become - angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.therapyinphiladelphia.com/tips/what-are-boundaries&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;What Are Boundaries&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.therapyinphiladelphia.com/tips/having-a-conversation-to-assert-your-boundaries&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Having a conversation to assert your boundaries&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T19:54:17.927" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T19:54:17.927" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T15:43:30.337" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For scenario 1&lt;/strong&gt; ... this is a tact problem.  How you said it made it sound like &quot;okay okay we have talked already&quot; like you were annoyedly doing her a favor by talking to her.  Instead, just highlight that you're tired.  When you get tired, get to the next good conversation segue, smile and say, &quot;Hey I'm beat.  Let's hit the hay.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For scenario 2&lt;/strong&gt; ... could it be that it helps her to blow off steam?  I have some hot-tempered folks in my life, and I handle it like this:  &quot;Tell me about it.&quot;  ie, let your hot-tempered one vent.  Try it.  Does she seem to feel better afterward?  After her exposition, bring up a new subject.  If she wants actual advice she'll ask for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For scenario 3 (ie tomorrow)&lt;/strong&gt; ... tell her that you love her and that she should know that sometimes what you say will come out sounding wrong.  Make a pact for both of you to always assume the other is acting in good faith.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T15:43:30.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4755" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T15:49:33.573" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Scenario 2: She is getting angry on someone&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll have to quote the whole thing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I ask her to calm down and that getting angry won't resolve anything and she should not even think about her/him. She tells me why she's getting angry, and when I listen to her I generally think from both of their perspectives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why she is getting angry and what the other person has done. I try to tell her that he or she might be doing it because of this or that reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How she reacts: Why don't you go away. You never take my side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since we're talking about subjective matters, you're both right in your own subjective frame of mind (yes, she's right too, I insist), but since neither of you is listening to the other, you arent getting anywhere. Since she's pissed, she has an excuse for not listening. You're calm, so you have no excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Logic doesn't work on furious people. Thus before using logic and talking things out, you must help cool down her anger first. So, bring her down to a soft landing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take her side, ask her to describe what the offense was, agree that it was rude, maybe suggest &amp;quot;want me to talk to him?&amp;quot;... anyway, don't become another problem for her. Do not question her reaction yet, like by implying she's easily angered, susceptible, or a drama queen. After she's released her tension via therapeutic screaming, she'll probably feel down, so apply some compliments, cuddling, cookies, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The aim is to make her feel loved and supported. Then once she cools down and realizes you weathered her shitstorm like a boss, and didn't hold it against her, she'll come to the conclusion that you really like her...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very important to note that when you tell her, while she's furious, stuff like &amp;quot;come on, it was for nothing&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;calm down&amp;quot; the underlying message is that you don't understand why she's angry, so you invalidate her feelings, you sound like you don't give a shit, and that will make her &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; more furious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want to tell her these things because I think there is no reason for her to get angry and that the other person might have had their reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The constructive criticism comes after the cuddling, when she's ready to receive it. Not before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of calming down she thinks I am also opposing her and supporting the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, yeah, from her point of view you are supporting the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Scenario 1: Time is about 5 am. I am feeling very sleepy and she wants to talk so I kept talking. This goes on till about 6:00 or something. I asked her if we can go to sleep, since we've talked enough and I am very tired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is most likely the result of a string of mistakes. First, you should have ended the call when you wanted to sleep, probably before midnight if you have a life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case my advice is the opposite of the previous one: be more assertive. I mean, you just wrote that you asked her for permission to go to sleep. When you erase from your mind the notion that you get her permission to have a good sleep and not waste the next day by being a zombie, things will go a lot easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T15:49:33.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-29T15:50:38.690" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best solution here is the easiest one. Simply ignore her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the topic at hand is not workplace or safety related, there is (as far as I can imagine) no reason to respond to that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest problem I see in your question is that you are reacting to her behavior. That just reinforces it and causes it to continue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not respond to such behavior, I think she would either back off or turn up the heat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of the former, problem solved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of the latter, clearly harassment could be brought up. However, unless there are workplace or law enforcement actions possible (doesn't seem like it), that won't go far.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I wouldn't count on your manager (or other management) or the police only. If they can't take any action, you should consult with a lawyer specializing in employment issues.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Just because they don't want to get involved does not mean there are not any legal protections available. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in taking such an action, you will have to address your involvement so far. If you are complicit in any way, that might cause problems. Basically it has to be clear that you did not encourage her behavior in any way.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;And be careful since entrapment can be a motivation in cases like these (basically her doing something to get you in trouble).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess the bottom line is why you are reacting at all. If there are specific reasons you should add them to your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1720" LastEditorUserId="1720" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T15:55:58.347" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T15:55:58.347" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-29T15:57:10.040" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why does she persist in doing this to you?  Well, because it's easy, safe, and fun.  You can approach the problem from any of these three angles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Safe&lt;/strong&gt; -- No, you're not going to bean her with a stapler.  And sounds like you've already gone to HR (who could threaten her job) with no joy, so let's leave &quot;safe&quot; alone for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Easy&lt;/strong&gt; -- Well, you're around and accessible, it's a small office.  You don't fancy moving to a new job.  Okay, let's leave &quot;easy&quot; alone too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Fun&lt;/strong&gt; -- Here's where you can take action.  Make it &lt;em&gt;not fun&lt;/em&gt; to flirt with you.  Don't get mad, don't freak out.  Do look annoyed and say &quot;I don't have time for this, Smith.  What do you want?&quot; whenever she gets saucy on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T15:57:10.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T16:03:04.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;While you can prepare yourself to act in a certain way when the said &lt;em&gt;problem&lt;/em&gt; occurs, for long term solutions, you'd need to work on the issues &lt;em&gt;offline&lt;/em&gt; (meaning, when the things seem &lt;em&gt;fine&lt;/em&gt;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before getting to the ways to deal with the situation, I'd like to point out the most common characteristics of issues in a relationship. And that is: &lt;b&gt;rage is mostly blind&lt;/b&gt; — be it logically or empathetically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; Passive solutions (when the problem has already begun): &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try not to lose your cool. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't fall into the trap of starting a blame-game at this point. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the conversation is about someone else, then before telling them your take on the motivation behind other's actions, tell them what or which part of their action was right (this shows that you're willing to stand by them). Hold off for a bit before voicing your opinion about others or about their own action(s) that you find contentious. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Also, once their rant is over, consider asking an open ended question such as: &lt;em&gt;&quot;Can I tell you what I think might be happening here?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; to know if they even want to listen to your assessment or not. Unless the situation is absolutely out of control and you have no option but to step in, many a times, they probably only want to be heard without being offered a lot of advice or insight. Let them deal with it, they're grown ups too. As long as the external situation doesn't directly affect the relationship, and they haven't asked for help, it's all right to let them deal with it on their own and only ask once in a while: &lt;em&gt;&quot;Is everything ok with 《that problem》?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; Active solutions (when the things seem fine): &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Politely tell your partner that you had something in your mind that was bothering you and wanted to talk about with them. This would possibly make them ask you a question on what it was (if they were in the right frame of mind to listen to you), rather than you walking up to them and starting a monologue out of nowhere. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Maybe start with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Do you remember when we began arguing about.... 《very briefly mention the incident》? I've been noticing that, lately a lot of our arguments were on things that were never really issues. I don't quite feel good about that and wanted to see what we can do to avoid such problems in future. Before I try to explain myself, I want to hear you out. And, specifically, I would want to understand: &lt;b&gt; what triggered you to such an extent? Where exactly do you think I was mistaken? And is there anything that I could have done differently to not let that issue turn up in the first place?&lt;/b&gt;&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Hear them out patiently. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Again, consider asking an open ended question: &lt;em&gt;&quot;Can I try to explain what I was trying to do?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; (&lt;em&gt;&quot;I didn't mean this / that&quot;&lt;/em&gt; is an overused cliche, with varying degrees of success depending on how genuine you are and how understanding your partner is). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the tone of the conversation stays good all this while, you could eventually tell them how you felt for being misunderstood. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Finally, seek suggestions on trying to improve the dialogue in delicate situations, and through an open ended question again, offer some of your own suggestions too. &lt;b&gt; Thank them for understanding you (or making attempts to do so) and apologise to them for any of your words or actions that (in)advertently upset them. &lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; Final words: &lt;/b&gt;&#xA;A relationship is &lt;b&gt;not&lt;/b&gt; a one way street. The more two people try to understand how their companion behaves in a certain situation and why, the more peaceful it is to deal with, sidestep and overcome the issues. Not every attempt is guaranteed to be successful, nor is the issue-resolution a one time exercise. If, at the end of the day, relationship is your priority, both the partners have to be willing to put in continuous efforts in trying to understand each other better and work towards the betterment of the partnership.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastEditorUserId="5377" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T16:08:47.193" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T16:08:47.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T16:13:12.027" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't overthink this. If she is as you describe, wasting her life away throwing temper tantrums, I believe you have two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make her commit to anger management therapy and actively work to improve. Set clear goals here.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Dump her and find somebody you are more Naturally compatible with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As somebody who is very happily married now after several relationships that didn't work out I've realized two very important things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You cannot change people! They can change but they need to be motivated to change themselves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You deserve to be in a relationship where you can feel like yourself. Natural and calm. Do not settle for anything less!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6610" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T16:13:12.027" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T18:09:25.793" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Living this dynamic right now and improving on it everyday.&#xA;Assuming your goal is to continue building a relationship...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Affirm her subjective experience of the situation&lt;/strong&gt; (&lt;em&gt;&quot;I understand you are upset&quot;, &quot;I see that it doesn't make sense to you the x said y&quot;, &quot;you are probably frustrated right now&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, etc) irregardless of whether it makes sense or not to you. This is the definition of empathy (understanding another's feeling) as opposed to sympathy (sharing another's feeling).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask what she wants.&lt;/strong&gt; Make sure it's a &quot;how can I help?&quot; vs &quot;here is how to fix it&quot;. Sometimes she may want your help in changing the situation and that would be a time to apply your more logical and laid back advice. More often it may be that she wants acknowledgment of a struggle and just wants you to listen. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Suggest outlets for emotional responses.&lt;/strong&gt; During non-conflict times, work out clear expectations that both of you can agree upon. For example, when you are open to long conversations and when you need to focus on work, what topics are best shared with girlfriends vs you, outlets for ranting.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This video may be very relevant: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&amp;amp;rct=j&amp;amp;q=&amp;amp;esrc=s&amp;amp;source=web&amp;amp;cd=1&amp;amp;cad=rja&amp;amp;uact=8&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwis3ZWx98rWAhUUVWMKHfSbCEkQyCkIKDAA&amp;amp;url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-4EDhdAHrOg&amp;amp;usg=AOvVaw1x2PhIKA6aFFrrzS6TI3hr&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;It's not about the nail.&quot;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, your rational approach may be violating how she interpret affection: &lt;a href=&quot;https://personalityhacker.com/personality-type-ask-love/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://personalityhacker.com/personality-type-ask-love/&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that most everybody has rational and quirky/irrational sides that come out in different ways and under different circumstances. Relationships are 2-way streets but it makes it easier when one is willing to take a step towards the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6615" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T18:09:25.793" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-29T18:13:55.880" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find it crazy that people are suggesting: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Leave the workplace&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignore the behavior&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Insert clever reply here, to try and detract.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is cut and dry.  Though, I have never been on the giving or receiving end of sexual harassment, but my girl-friend has; fortunately for her the business is - I assume - is like 99.9% of every business out there and they fired the guy immediately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not think the country you are writing from matters much. What she is doing is harassment, and is against the law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe the police will not do anything about it.  But contact a lawyer, and they will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is not the company breaking a myriad of laws for not dealing with the sexual harassment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it sucks, but it might kind of be your responsibility as a reasonable and just human to have the courage to contact a lawyer and proceed with bringing this lady (and IMHO more so) and the company to justice.  The company telling you to suck it up, is the absolutely most nuts part of this story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know its kind of nasty, but you're on a website writing about a problem that is really stressing you out / emotional distress.  In the eyes of the law, (i think...not know) I believe that has a price tag associated with it!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.  STOP THIS BEHAVIOR AND SET A PRECEDENT!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6616" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T18:13:55.880" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4765" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-29T19:49:16.867" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This not an advice to ignore her, but &lt;strong&gt;how&lt;/strong&gt; you can ignore if you would do it, while you can't enforce law or something else on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't let her make your day worse when she's not doing anything or leave you alone. Have your day, do your job, talk to her only about the job and only the strictly necessary, then &quot;disappear&quot; from her again. This is mostly to take care of yourself and not let bad feelings come from her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if she talks to you, be sure that it's about work. If it's not, mute yourself and stay that way. Don't tell anything on purpose, not even a &quot;good morning&quot;. This is to keep her in isolation. Giving her attention breaks it and gives her the chance to feel confident about the situation. Acting like this has a chance to make her feel bad about what she's doing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't feed her provocations, don't give her feedback, don't answer simple questions. Same reasons than 2.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her to not touch you if she does it. If you think it's necessary, start to record with your phone. &lt;strong&gt;DON'T&lt;/strong&gt; move away, don't let her take or limit your space, she must respect it. Harassment start with flirting, then provocation and then bullying. This is to let her know that this thing is goddamn serious.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Write about it and prepare to give the story to the media. Gather witnesses. Put in the story how you feel. Basically: &quot;attack&quot; back without being aggressive. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Give yourself the right to be angry and the right to be mean and bad to her&lt;/strong&gt;. If you want do to something DO IT but keep the law on your side. Don't respect who doesn't respects you, don't be civilized with uncivilized people. You should keep confident and above her, not under. Bad people shouldn't be above us.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All these things (i think) can make you a bit less fragile not only about this situation but about others too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6617" LastEditorUserId="6617" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T02:17:42.553" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T02:17:42.553" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4734" CreationDate="2017-09-29T19:55:34.997" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;For scenario two, have a conversation with her where you basically discuss how in those moments you aren't sure whether you should be &quot;fixing&quot; the problem or just empathetic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do this on a regular basis with my wife. I want to fix things, like you seem to, and I'm not always good at identifying when she wants that vs empathy. So I often bluntly ask, &quot;do you want empathy or solutions?&quot; and then I can react accordingly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have talked about this in advance, so she knows I'm asking it out of a good desire, so I highly recommend talking about it &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; you ask that in the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will be times for both. A lot of people forget their significant other can normally trivially let them know which situation it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="104" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T19:55:34.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4769" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4770" CreationDate="2017-09-29T21:27:52.683" Score="21" ViewCount="2638" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was raised conservatively, and despite all my changes after getting out into the wide world, it still shows. I'm quiet, dress fairly modestly, and never swear in public - I have strong inhibitions about saying certain things out loud. The first time I swore (as a senior in college) it was very difficult to get the sound out! But it's all personal, I really don't care if other people say those things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has led to some situations where people around me hold back because they think my sensibilities will be offended. For instance, they will cast a nervous glance at me before using a mild term, or say &quot;pardon my French!&quot; after a swear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example is when I hung out with a couple of girl friends from work. The subject turned to terrible dates we'd been on, and from there a discussion of sexual acts. I felt like they noticed I wasn't saying much (although it was quite entertaining!) and that they changed the subject because they felt awkward talking about it in front of me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both situations, I didn't want them to think that my embarrassment meant I was judging them for talking like that; it was just my upbringing tying my tongue. I would like other people to feel comfortable around me! Perhaps it would also help me feel more comfortable with my inner voice too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do try to say &quot;oh, I don't care&quot; when people make direct comments, but they don't always. This happens most with people I'm just getting to know, so they're already more cautious than usual. I'm sure some people won't be comfortable unless I join in, but I'd still like to know what I can try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I signal that it is totally fine for someone to talk explicitly around me, even if I don't talk that way myself?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-09-30T16:13:39.520" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T16:13:39.520" Title="How to let people know I won't be offended by explicit talk?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;profanity&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4769" CreationDate="2017-09-29T21:49:53.390" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of years ago some friends and I played an absolutely NSFW knockoff version of &lt;em&gt;Cards Against Humanity&lt;/em&gt;... if you've ever played CAH, you'll know that it's already pretty NSFW. This game, aptly titled &lt;em&gt;Personally Incorrect&lt;/em&gt; was a last-minute buy when we realized that one simply doesn't walk into Target and buy a copy of CAH... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were six of us - three couples - and one of the other girls was somewhat like you (despite being an actor). I remember her very clearly being baffled with one of the cards she drew and had no clue what it meant. She turned to me and asked &quot;What are 'beef curtains'?&quot; and we all broke out laughing and she turned a lovely shade of pink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were several such uncomfortable moments because, as I've already implied, this game is horrid and way more explicit and objectionable than anything I've seen CAH do... but we had an awesome time despite that and nearly every time we've gotten together since then, we make some reference to it, so it's become a bonding memory we all share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tell you this because part of what allowed us to continue the game and have fun was, despite her obvious discomfort, she was genuinely trying to figure out what these awful terms meant and we all had fun laughing over her innocent lack of knowledge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, for you, be like that. If they're talking about stuff that makes you uncomfortable, explain why it does (tell them your story if they don't know already) but let them know that you want to be more comfortable around it and you want to learn because you don't feel like you will be able to be &quot;with&quot; them and that they will be comfortable around you if you don't learn and spend time being exposed to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not join in a conversation about bad dates if it really makes you uncomfortable (or if you don't have anything to share) but asking questions to learn more about what they're talking about will show them that you want to continue the conversation. If they're talking about one guy's Jacob's Ladder (please don't Google this if you're at work) and, &lt;strong&gt;if you don't know what that is, ask them!&lt;/strong&gt; And when they tell you, look appalled or giggle nervously and make a comment about how that must have been really painful or that you'd never want to date a guy who had that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being inquisitive while being uncomfortable is the best way I've found to show that you're interested in them continuing the conversation... and if you get really uncomfortable, let them know that you're ready to move on to another topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your other (related) option is to &lt;strong&gt;be the person &lt;em&gt;starting&lt;/em&gt; these conversations&lt;/strong&gt;. If you're the one making these conversations happen, that usually means that you're trying to get more comfortable with them... and starting them doesn't mean you have to actually use the words or do more than listen and ask questions... so, maybe you should consider finding a copy of this game, take it to a game night with people you trust and say, &quot;Hey, I hear this game has a bunch of words in it I don't know... want to play it and explain them to me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-09-29T22:51:06.147" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T22:51:06.147" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4769" CreationDate="2017-09-29T21:54:28.373" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can try showing your comfort with explicit topics by engaging in the conversations a bit more actively and/or enthusiastically, but since you don't necessarily want to talk about certain things you self you can ask questions or prompt people for more details (if appropriate). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically you want to show interest, even if you are not the &quot;driving force&quot; behind the conversation, because otherwise people have no real way of knowing what you are/aren't comfortable with. By the time they catch themselves wondering if they offended you or not it's often too late to let them know everything is fine, the momentum is lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try to smile or laugh (if it's funny), or ask a question, make a comment, doesn't have to be often, but just to show that you are with them still and not uncomfortable&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-09-29T21:54:28.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4772" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4790" CreationDate="2017-09-29T22:59:23.373" Score="0" ViewCount="500" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not a hugs person, and even less at work, so I always have trouble reacting to hugs, I don't mean random hugs but like birthday hugs, hugs when someone is congratulating you about something personal like getting married, being pregnant or so, in other words legitimate hug situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's even worse with people I barely know, but that feel obligated to reach for a hug as well as to not seem rude or careless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always freak out and end up probably holding the other person in an awkward position, as in both arms at same height, or keep about a foot of distance between me and the other person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should one react to a hug as to avoid an awkward situation? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously this depends a whole lot on how much you know the other person, but I'm more interested in random acquaintances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6622" LastActivityDate="2017-10-01T01:21:41.780" Title="What's the proper way to react to hugs at a workplace?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-10-01T00:17:05.863" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4773" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4782" CreationDate="2017-09-29T23:58:57.737" Score="13" ViewCount="6158" Body="&lt;p&gt;My ex-boyfriend and I had a difficult break-up. We haven't talked much since but I recently got a message from him about how he can't even enjoy watching TV shows anymore because this is something we used to do together. I assume he is still having a hard time... I haven't responded to him yet because I don't know what to say. If I said I understood, I would be lying because I'm not going through the same emotions (though it hurts to know he's suffering if he still is), but I don't like ignoring him either. (I'm guilty of not responding to him right away thinking it would be more painful if I kept in touch). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of that, his parents are visiting from the United States and they want to see me. I'm planning on meeting them and I'm looking forward to it. His parents have been really nice to me in the past and I do appreciate and respect them a lot. They are discreet and private people and I don't think they will ask me questions which might put me on the spot (e.g what happened with my boyfriend or if I am single). Americans are different in that they aren't as involved in their adult children's lives compared to parents from the Mediterranean region, which I hate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I do want to ask about my ex, how he is actually doing/feeling and I am not sure if I should. If I don't ask at all, I'll feel like a jerk. If I do ask, I might feel I have to explain to them why I ended the relationship (though I'm sure they are aware of problems with my boyfriend) and I don't want to sound apologetic. For some reason I feel I should say something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I show I still care about my ex, how he is actually/honestly doing/feeling? (e.g. Is it weird to ask if he's over the relationship?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I do ask and all I get is, &quot;he's doing fine&quot; (ex is living with his parents now), &lt;strong&gt;should I insist&lt;/strong&gt; on knowing &lt;strong&gt;how he is really feeling&lt;/strong&gt; and what's the best way to do that? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T09:55:49.590" Title="How can I ask my ex's parents how my ex is feeling after the break-up without making it too awkward?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;estranged-relations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4773" CreationDate="2017-09-30T00:17:37.900" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR No, you probably shouldn't ask, and if you do ask don't press the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you're hoping to rekindle this relationship it would probably be best to leave it be. Asking his parents about him, in anything more than a passing way, may be perceived as a signal that you would like to resume the relationship. If they read your question that way, you can be sure that someone will say something to the ex eventually, particularly if the parents like you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In cases where an ex is having a hard time getting over you, it's usually better to give them the time and space to heal. There's likely nothing you can really do to facilitate that process, and a lot you could do to harm it. Best to leave it be... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been contacted by my various exes' parents after a few bad breakups. Usually when they've asked about the relationship they were either digging for gossip or hoping that the relationship could be reconciled. In both cases I found it better to give very bland, non-committal answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes things just don't work out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's ok to be curious or concerned about your ex, but don't pry. Especially not with his parents. He's likely to hear about it, and his reactions probably won't be good for him or for you. He'll likely think you want to reconcile or that you've crossed boundaries. Either way it will slow his recovery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T00:17:37.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4536" CreationDate="2017-09-30T04:05:48.537" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend that an artist should not judge appearances as flaws; rather the flaw is the eye of the beholder.  If somebody has a 10 foot long nose, then that's how their nose is, so just draw that; do not condemn it or try to fight with it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to flatter, work to make the lines and technique look good within whatever your style is, and avoid mistakes and compositional disharmony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Grab an anthology of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Splendor&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;American Splendor&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; and see all the different ways its many artists interpret Harvey Pekar, he's seldom depicted handsomely, yet his personality comes through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caricature can draw on the whole chain of visual perception, not just the optic nerves input. Consider the abstraction of the style epitomized by &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hello_Kitty&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Hello Kitty&lt;/a&gt;... it abstracts away the merely visible and hits upon a diagramitic represention of part of the algorithms our brains use to recognize kittens and babies.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6628" LastEditorUserId="6628" LastEditDate="2017-09-30T16:19:20.197" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T16:19:20.197" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4776" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4781" CreationDate="2017-09-30T05:52:30.243" Score="9" ViewCount="2437" Body="&lt;p&gt;So... As I'm sure many of you have noticed by now, I have a nasty habit of locking onto an issue and not letting it go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked my brother about this, and he seemed to think I was just born this way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As soon as you started talking you just pitbull-ed in on things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, this is often a blessing and a curse. It's made me a fighter and that's helped me survive at points. It also helps me to fight for the things I believe in. And it helps me to openly challenge authority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, there are obvious downsides... Some things aren't worth pursuing to such a degree, and it definitely alienates people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess when it comes to a &quot;would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?&quot; I usually choose:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Right, 'cause I am, and I don't care if I have to argue with you about it all night!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is... How do I learn to pick my battles a little better? Should I learn to let things go? How do I figure out which things to let go?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(I'm aware that there are three question marks there, the second two are there to expand on the first. More explanation than actual questions.)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ya... It just occurred to me that I've been doing the exact thing that I'm trying to learn to avoid, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/posts/4776/revisions&quot;&gt;with this very question&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/1824/was-the-question-about-learning-to-pick-battles-handled-appropriately&quot;&gt;the related meta post.&lt;/a&gt; This is probably a really good example of the way I tend to lock in on things when I think I'm right. I rarely do it when I don't have a leg to stand on, but often the cost outweighs the gains and I end up aggravating a lot of people about an issue that seems really important at the time, but in retrospect probably wasn't worth alienating all of those people. I still think I'm right, 'cause I am, but I've got to learn when to take a step back sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... um... For all those that insisted on an example there it is... Sorry about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T03:24:33.403" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T19:18:08.067" Title="How do I learn to pick my battles a little better?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="27" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-03-05T05:22:22.927" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3645" CreationDate="2017-09-30T06:29:22.387" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First things first; The company whose offer you're declining is going to be extremely pissed off. So be ready for a not so pleasant conversation/interaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do the following:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Call immediately:&lt;/strong&gt; Without wasting any time, call the HR rep from the company immediately and inform them about the decision. Time is of essence here for the company whose offer you are declining. The more you delay, the more difficulty it puts the company in to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reason:&lt;/strong&gt; Please be as open and honest as you can be about your reason for declining the offer just as you have done so in the details accompanying the question. You needn't disclose the name of the company you've decided to join, however please be honest and upfront about the reason. Honesty is always appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Apology:&lt;/strong&gt; The HR rep you'd be speaking to will be dejected, frustrated and possibly even in rage when you announce your decision to him/her. Apologize for having had to decline the offer. Please understand that you're putting the company in a lot of difficulty by declining the offer. Empathize with the person at the other end and tell him/her that it was by no means an easy decision and render a genuine, heartfelt apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Email:&lt;/strong&gt; Please write an email to all who were part of the recruiting process explaining to them your decision with utmost openness and honesty just as you have done over the call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Gratitude:&lt;/strong&gt; Please thank the company and its management for the opportunity given to you and for considering your candidature for the role. Be connected on professional networks like LinkedIn with the people you have interacted with over the course of the recruitment process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6632" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T06:29:22.387" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4779" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4772" CreationDate="2017-09-30T06:32:48.267" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep your distance at the time of departure and keep your hand extended in handshake mode is the safest bet. Like in dancing, one person leads the departure ritual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, initiate the departure ritual in a medium-comfort way. Say &quot;Hi five! See you around!&quot; As long as you smile, people will know this isn't rude or mocking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once one person initiates a hug by opening their arms, it is nearly impossible to deny and let them not be slightly offended unless you deflect with &quot;I'm just getting over a cold...&quot; or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6632" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T06:32:48.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4781" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4776" CreationDate="2017-09-30T06:50:35.300" Score="23" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I learn to pick my battles a little better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was just like you, years ago. Spending time and wasting energy. And I learnt that there's only a &lt;em&gt;huge waste on both sides&lt;/em&gt; when it comes to a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyrrhic_victory&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Pyrrhic victory&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can one identify a no-win situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Know your [ opponent / naysayer ] &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; yourself. Strengths and weaknesses on both sides.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Know the battle you have to fight.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Know the ground you'll be fighting on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When serving in the Army, I read &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sun_Tzu&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Sun Tzu - Art of War&lt;/a&gt; (as if there could be any &lt;em&gt;art&lt;/em&gt; in a war, but that's another story, and a philosophical battle I won't fight here...). &lt;strong&gt;Basically, you don't fight when you can't win. You wait until you can win the battle&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have done is: &lt;strong&gt;listen to the contradictory spirit&lt;/strong&gt;. Let them talk, tell you what their strongest arguments are, and see if you can have real, strong, well documented, counter-arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If yes, step into, otherwise, turn and walk away...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When doing that, I almost every time felt frustrated. Then, when the heat was down, I would think about what had happened. And realized I had done the right thing. Because the other person would have just kept their point of view, no matter what your arguments were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Last, but not least, after stepping in the other person's shoes, I would just realize that &lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; were right and I was wrong :) and had learnt something, that &lt;strong&gt;they just had widened my mind&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This is experienced-based and worked like a charm, even though it took years...&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;It was worth listening, waiting and learning.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I learn to let things go? How do I figure out which things to let go?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the above answers these as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;This has been credited to Sun Tzu: a young warrior and an old, experienced warrior come to a battle. The young one runs, and goes straight into the fight, and gets killed. The old one watches the fight, studies the foe's way of fighting, steps into the battle, fights, and kills the foe.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T19:18:08.067" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T19:18:08.067" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4782" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4773" CreationDate="2017-09-30T13:48:11.633" Score="16" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I don't ask at all, I'll feel like a jerk. If I do ask, I might feel I have to explain to them why I ended the relationship (though I'm sure they are aware of problems with my boyfriend)...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's polite and kind to ask about someone's loved ones when having an extended conversation. It's not a lie that you're sad that he's suffering. But it's not like you're the only one involved in the end of the relationship (people who are very happy together don't break up), and if the parents already know there was trouble, you may not need to say much more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they treated you well in the past, they will probably continue to do so. So, out of kindness and respect &lt;em&gt;for them&lt;/em&gt;, ask how their son is doing. If they say, &quot;Fine&quot;, answer that you're glad to hear that, and drop it there. If they say, &quot;He's having a hard time,&quot; say, &quot;I'm sorry to hear that. I suspected he might be.&quot; Because you really aren't happy that he's struggling, are you? (If you are, that's a different matter, and you shouldn't ask in that case. But I'm pretty sure that's not the case.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;should I &lt;strong&gt;insist&lt;/strong&gt; on knowing &lt;strong&gt;how he is really feeling&lt;/strong&gt; and what's the best way to do that? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No.&lt;/strong&gt; What right do you have to that information? Your relationship is over. That's a personal matter. If you ask that, they have every reason to ask you why you broke up, another personal matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to feel apologetic about ending a relationship that wasn't working out. But you can still feel sad that someone is hurting. Someone the parents love is hurting. Kindness is called for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;If it were me - which I can't imagine (meeting my ex's family), but anyway - and the parents did ask me why we broke up, I would give a short explanation. They have gotten details from your ex. They might want to hear your side. Unless it's intensely personal, I would answer. If it's intensely personal, I would say that. But that's me.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T13:48:11.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4773" CreationDate="2017-09-30T14:12:16.947" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I apologize if I'm reading too much into this, but it sounds to me like a big motivation for asking is because you feel guilty about causing him pain. If that's the case, instead of asking questions to indirectly show you are concerned for his well-being, just tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope John is doing alright. I know he took the breakup hard, so I've been trying to give him space, but I do hope he's okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit as you feel appropriate, but I would keep it short or else they might think you want to get into a discussion about the breakup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they think it is appropriate to tell you anything more, they will. If they give you a generic response, drop the subject. You're not dating anymore, so you can't expect to get that sort of personal information now. Insisting on &quot;no, how is he &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; feeling?&quot; is inappropriate, and will seem like you are prying or are still interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's normal to wonder how someone is doing that you used to be very close to, and it's normal to feel bad that you caused pain to them, but that's something to work out on your own or with your own friends and family, not his parents. As much as they like you, they're still seeing the situation from his side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(I won't guess whether or not they want you two to get back together, you would know best. I've talked to an ex's parents after a breakup without any &quot;pressure&quot;. But, the only time I brought up their son was when he texted that he was in a car accident and appeared to have forgotten we broke up..)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really do want information about him, it would be better to ask a trusted mutual friend. I've done this before when I was close friends with my ex's roommate. If you do ask, make it an open-ended question: &quot;Have you hung out with ex lately? How is he doing?&quot; as you would with any mutual friend you haven't seen in a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T14:12:16.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4784" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4776" CreationDate="2017-09-30T18:01:43.643" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR -- Consider ROI of arguments and which arguments are actually unresolvable&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot depends on what you expect to get out of these battles.  (This is where examples would help)  Are you trying to make people do things?  Are you trying to make someone acknowledge that you are right?  Are you trying to stop someone from making a mistake?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some issues where it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; appropriate to take a scorched-earth stance.  I doubt you'll find 'em on Stackxechange meta, though.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might consider looking at the ROI (return on investment) of any given battle.  Is the benefit you'll gain -- which you should define for yourself -- actually worth the cost in terms of time, aggravation, and enemies made?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also consider your tone and approach.  Do you avoid ad-hominems?  Look back at old arguments...  do you win or lose based on building consensus or showing reasoned arguments, or does it devolve into some kind of battle-of-wills beatdown which settles nothing and just leaves people seething.  Do you recognize that your opponent holds his position not because he's an idiot, but because there is likely a decent case to be made for it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly ... and this is important.  There are a lot of arguments which &lt;strong&gt;cannot&lt;/strong&gt; be won, because the people involved have different axioms about life.  Axioms which are at root emotionally held.  (Ex:  I believe there is an innate value to human life vs I believe there is not)  No amount of arguing is going to resolve an argument where the arguers are building their cases off of incompatible axioms.  The thing to do in that case is to &lt;em&gt;uncover&lt;/em&gt; the differing axioms, acknowledge that that is the root of the disagreement, and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand your frustration ... I see things here on SE which annoy the [redacted] out of me, but it would be counter-productive to plunge into the fray.  [Take out example, let's keep focus!].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T02:07:31.230" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T02:07:31.230" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4670" CreationDate="2017-09-30T18:12:53.383" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have two choices. Either you build a fence, or you don't build a fence. You say that building a fence would cost you $8,000, which is a lot of money. Are you willing to pay $8,000 to keep a neighbour happy? I have real friends where I would be willing to pay $8,000 if they were in real need for the money. But not for a relationship with a neighbour who is moving away. So we are down to one choice. You are not going to build the fence. The reasonable way to handle this therefore &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; include saying &quot;NO&quot; to the neighbours request. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, you have said that you don't want a fence. Not only that you don't want to pay $8,000, but you don't want a fence at all. So I assume you wouldn't be happy if your neighbour built the fence herself and paid for it, or if the buyer did the same thing. So now you have to decide what is more important to you, relationship with your soon-to-be-ex neighbour, or a home without the fence. Think that your neighbour will move away soon, but the fence will stay there forever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider that the realtor doesn't have the best interest of their client in mind, neither buyer nor seller, and definitely not your best interest. The only thing the realtor cares about is the commission in their pocket. So the fact that the realtor puts pressure on your neighbour should mean absolutely nothing to you. In the end, there isn't even a guarantee of sale if the fence were built. Does the realtor care? Of course not. It's not their money. Then consider that as a dog owner, a neighbour with a child that freaks out at the sight of a dog means inevitable trouble. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your goals should be clear now. What to say to the neighbour? First, that you are not willing to pay $8,000 to build a fence. That is very understandable, and things will likely end with that. In the highly unlikely event that your neighbour offers to pay (highly unlikely because it is money out of &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; pocket which hurts a lot more than money out of &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; pocket), you advise them that they need to get some guarantee that the sale will go through. That will likely end the matter. If the buyer is willing to give that guarantee, then you are in a bit of trouble, because now you have to say that actually, you don't want a fence. At that point your friendship will likely suffer, but you will keep a house without a fence. Which is worth something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T18:12:53.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4786" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-09-30T18:25:29.087" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I say this with the caveat that this is not an interpersonal issue; it's a workplace / legal one.  You are being harassed--it's inappropriate and wrong regardless of the genders involved.  I don't know how the laws and culture of France differ from the US other than what I've seen in movies so my understanding is limited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems you've taken this to the proper authorities with no luck, which is the only reason I'm giving other advice since you are unfortunate to have to deal with it yourself.  Continue documenting, including your interactions with the people whose job it is to protect you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also suggest, if you haven't already, putting a firm &quot;Do not do this&quot; (without explanation or excuses or apologies from you) in an email to her and ccing your boss, HR, and anyone else you think is relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not on board with telling you to just ignore it; however, other posters have a point that she's trying to get a rise out of you and may see this as a harmless game.  When she says something inappropriate, an icy glare and an incredulous &quot;Excuse me?!?&quot; can go a long way into shaming someone into appropriate behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3306" LastActivityDate="2017-09-30T18:25:29.087" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4772" CreationDate="2017-10-01T01:21:41.780" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;For context, I'm in the US. I have this issue too! I'm awkward enough that people who know me usually don't offer hugs, or ask first. So if random people are also around, sometimes the friend will intervene on my behalf :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, what works best for me is figuring out when hugs are imminent and pre-empting them with a different gesture. This may vary depending on the context, but usually a handshake is an appropriate substitute. You could also go for a high-five or fistbump among friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a situation where someone is giving out many hugs (for instance, exiting a wedding reception), you have time to prepare. When it's your turn, approach with a smile and your hand ready for a shake. Hopefully they take the hint! You can also observe what other people are doing - most likely you are not the only one to not hug.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For one-on-one situations where you suspect a surprise hug, keep a healthy amount of personal space between you (not &lt;em&gt;distant&lt;/em&gt;, but enough that they can't just lean in on a moment's notice). This will give you a little more time to react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you realize someone is coming in for a hug anyways, just be up front about it: &quot;oh, I don't do hugs, but thank you!&quot;. It may feel awkward to address, but it is usually much more awkward to end up in a stiff, at-arms-length embrace with an acquaintance! Of course sometimes they will insist, in which case I find it is best to just quickly do a hug and get it over with - but in my experience this is usually well-meaning extended family rather than workplace acquaintances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't feel bad about (gently and politely) refusing a hug. People intend them as nice gestures, and making you uncomfortable would be the opposite of what they mean to do. Being honest will allow you both to have a pleasant interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(Fun fact: I've ended a first date with a handshake after explaining I'm weird about hugs. And he still called me back for a second one!)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-10-01T01:21:41.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4792" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-01T09:42:27.863" Score="6" ViewCount="491" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lets say John and Peter are classmates. Peter eats slowly, and talks a lot while at it. John cannot enjoy the food while talking, so he prefers to finish off all courses and continue conversation after that. John is interested in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The location is university's canteen, and they ordered first and second courses. It is quite crowded, but they sit in front of each other at the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Peter usually talks about his daily adventures, and sometimes asks semi rhetorical questions. His face expression tells John that he expects an answer, or any other kind of voice feedback. Though Peter uses written communication method for important things, so what Peter says during dinner is just regular conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Peter perceives John as blunt person, but John knows that Peter might get frustrated by direct answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The country is Kazakhstan. It is located in Central Asia, to the south from Russia (just in case you don't know where it is, which is usually the case with foreigners).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can John politely tell Peter to hold on with the conversation before he finishes the food? Will it be better for John to suggest Peter to eat his food too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3052" LastEditorUserId="3052" LastEditDate="2017-10-01T14:16:23.267" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T08:15:02.883" Title="How to politely defer conversation until I've finished my food?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;eating&gt;&lt;kazakhstan&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4728" CreationDate="2017-10-01T13:41:55.290" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on what you stated above, it seems that you've tried most of the usual routes and nothing seems to be working. She doesn't care that you've said you're not interested and she doesn't respect your wishes since she isn't listening, so &#xA;I'd say that gives you the right to stop respecting her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm all for dealing with situations nicely, I get criticized for being too nice sometimes and not standing my ground. But for people who just won't quit, you have to draw the line for them and make them not want to. Make it a miserable experience for them. She is insulting you by not respecting your boundaries, so insult her back. Flat out tell her she's ugly or that she is obnoxious/rude for not respecting your wishes and that you can't stand her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might be thinking you're playing hard to get for whatever reason, but if she realizes that you actually dislike/despise her, that should take the wind out of her sails. It always sucks to be the mean person, but sometimes it has to be done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she isn't getting reprimanded for sexual harassment, then equally you shouldn't be reprimanded for speaking harshly towards her. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would stop if you just ignore her and the police/your boss doesn't take it seriously, so you will have to put your foot down. Yeah she might end up despising your guts, but that's better than being miserable everyday at work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2401" LastActivityDate="2017-10-01T13:41:55.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4795" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4792" CreationDate="2017-10-01T15:44:21.010" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think he can't. Typically, Peters won't react for that well. For them, this type of eating is for them natural.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, in John's view:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John politely asks Peter to let him eat in peace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Peter's view:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John &quot;politely&quot; insults Peter because he is unfriendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, what John can do: he can politely minimize his answers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He can give short answers,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;answers saying nothing,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;and with a delay.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It limits the problem, but the others the has to tolerate. There is no way out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2998" LastEditorUserId="2998" LastEditDate="2017-10-01T17:38:38.887" LastActivityDate="2017-10-01T17:38:38.887" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4796" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-01T16:55:55.273" Score="3" ViewCount="707" Body="&lt;p&gt;Twice the CEO of our company sat next to me (also across from me) during lunch in the company. He asked some general informal questions which I answered but didn't ask him anything in return. I want to know whether I should ask him questions or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If yes what can/should I ask? Or how shall I converse with him during the lunch when he is sitting next to me (or across from me)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional Info: Company is 14 years old, much like a start up although not exact. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: I didn't ask this question on workplace as I think it is more of an interpersonal skill owing to be an &lt;strong&gt;informal serendipitous or coincidence of having lunch with the CEO&lt;/strong&gt; rather than a pre-planned formal lunch having professional elements. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5981" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T23:53:08.283" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T23:53:08.283" Title="How to converse with the CEO during lunch?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4797" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-01T17:04:00.063" Score="8" ViewCount="1181" Body="&lt;p&gt;I worked at a company for 2 months but got laid off in my trial period because they needed someone with more experience. However, a co-worker apparently is under the assumption that I got laid off because I had too many sick days (which I admittedly did, but that is not what I was told when they gave me the &lt;em&gt;news&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This co-worker is part of my family and has been telling the rest of the family about my termination. They even told my parents before I did.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, I want this person to know that they did something wrong in this situation, but I am unsure whether or not I should contact my former boss (their current boss) about the situation, or if I should contact the person privately?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I hope someone can give me some advice on how to proceed from here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(added from comments)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume that the reason for why someone is let go from a company is a confidential matter, and when an employee openly speaks about the reason of termination outside of the workplace to others and to the family of the person who was terminated, is a confidential issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It bothers me. That information was for me to tell, not my co-worker. And the fact that they are saying it to everybody, makes it feel like their intention is not good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It bothers me that it is told to my family. I do not know if they have told other employees at the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6648" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-01T18:04:45.637" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T10:42:04.640" Title="Former co-worker is gossiping about my termination" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4792" CreationDate="2017-10-01T17:12:40.533" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John cannot enjoy the food while talking, so he prefers to finish off all courses and continue conversation after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John obviously enjoys being precise while chewing. So while chewing he can just smile while looking into Peter's eyes to assure him that he is listening to him without uttering a word (or while enjoying his food). The fact that John is indeed listening to him attentively will compensate for the delayed answers. Eye contact would be here a sort of acknowledgement. While having lunch John can give &lt;strong&gt;short replies&lt;/strong&gt; between the bites, as @MorningStar has suggested. So it won't be a loss for John either, as he has not compromised the conversation with his food enjoyment (replying with words only when not chewing).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that John will have to maintain this habit for a few days, after which Peter would be aware of John's habit that he doesn't speak much while having food, but &lt;strong&gt;he is going to continue the talk after lunch&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5981" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T08:15:02.883" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T08:15:02.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4797" CreationDate="2017-10-01T17:43:28.690" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some thoughts...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There doesn't seem to be much point in talking to former boss.  He or she is not really involved in this situation, which is that your relative has a serious case of the gossips.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recommendation:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should speak to your relative and let him know that he's got the story wrong, and that you'll thank him kindly to stop gossiping about it.  Don't be too shy to let him understand you are angry at him.  You can remind him of what the real reason is, because he's not likely to stop telling tales.  Inveterate jawboners rarely stop.  But at least you'll have communicated your displeasure, and influenced the story he'll be telling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't make a crusade out of tracking down all your relatives and giving them your story.  Instead, tell your parents the real scoop.  It's likely they will help to suppress any more gossip.  Should anyone else ask you about the whole story, give them the real facts with a reminder:  &quot;I was there, so I know best what happened.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-01T17:43:28.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4796" CreationDate="2017-10-01T18:16:25.113" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may sound a little naive, but ... why not just forget he's the CEO for a while and talk to him like a friendly stranger you met on a train?  Everyone has hobbies, or something interesting they did last weekend, and is usually willing to share.  Maybe you did something interesting lately; tell him about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look ... you're talking about being put in a social situation.  You're not angling for a promotion, or trying to solve a problem.  You just want to pass an hour in companionship, yes?  The CEO part really doesn't factor, except to the extent you might decide not to tell any racy jokes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a situation like this, and it came out that CEO was into building boats.  So we talked about boats, that led to fishing, and so on.  Of course I'd always wondered about this, so I ended up asking what his daily workday was like.  Turns out my notion that &quot;the CEO answers to no one&quot; isn't quite accurate...  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-01T18:16:25.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4796" CreationDate="2017-10-01T18:16:48.167" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;CEOs are generally very busy people and probably won't have time for long chats over lunch. He asked you some general whatabouts, and you nicely answered them. That is good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, at the same time, felt a little uncomfortable as to whether or not you should ask him something in return. That's okay. Since he was in a casual mood, you &lt;em&gt;could've&lt;/em&gt; asked him one or two casual questions, tops; preferably something not about the job. Then again, there's no compulsion to do so. Be cool, answer his questions well. Trying to force a question to him will undoubtedly make things awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I assume you two aren't friends outside of the workplace, I recommend you don't ask too personal questions. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-10-01T18:16:48.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4796" CreationDate="2017-10-01T18:40:28.993" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot would depend on whether the CEO is a friendly type and open to informal conversation with a junior staff member during lunch. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my personal experience in Indian culture, this is an uncomfortable situation: very senior officers are often remote and preoccupied and they might well ask us a question but they may not appreciate being asked a question in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The risk with being bold and asking this senior officer something, whether professional or personal, in the Indian context (though I am not specifically familiar with the IT sector) is that they might later remember us as being 'forward' or 'lacking sufficient respect' -- but this is probably not a problem in the USA!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also possibly commit a blunder by asking something that irritates the person, unless you are very familiar with their likes and dislikes. This actually happened:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hospital Director to his PA&lt;/strong&gt;: Do you know, that English Student person is impertinent. We met in the lunch room and he actually asked me whether I like music! I hate music, it's such a waste of time. You keep an eye on him. I didn't like his forward attitude and familiar way of asking me these questions...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course I have also been lucky to have extremely kind and friendly superior officers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I should advise you to keep it polite and formal unless the CEO is exceptionally friendly and he explicitly encourages you to have an informal conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T14:51:13.097" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T14:51:13.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4804" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4817" CreationDate="2017-10-01T22:09:27.343" Score="30" ViewCount="14233" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another dog-related question, sorry. I read &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/4225/2708&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; but I'm not sure it applies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My two Border Collies need/want a lot of exercise. One of the reasons I chose this neighborhood is that about 700 feet from my house is a mowed, 26 acre area (a water retention field when necessary) that no one - and I mean no one - uses. I have the HOA board's permission to exercise my dogs off leash there. The field, which is surrounded by a nice sidewalk, is considered common property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although dog ownership is high here, most people do not exercise their dogs except to take walks. So when I'm out in the field chucking balls and giving my dogs commands (in sign language, so as not to annoy the neighbors), people, especially kids, are apt to stop and watch my dogs and me. This is fine. I love for people to see that dogs can get other kinds of exercise, and they are beautiful on the field.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once in a while, though, kids want to play with my dogs, and that's also fine, except when they're &quot;working&quot;. If they want to interact before or after the session, I will make my dogs be social. They'll obey simple commands, chase balls, etc. I also teach the kids some sign language commands, which they use and seem to like. But when they're working, the dogs just want to chase balls and have no interest in stopping for some social time with kids. If I interrupt their &quot;work&quot;, they will give the kids the most cursory attention then run back onto the field. It kind of embarrasses me how impolite my dogs seem then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell the kids that my dogs don't want to play right now without being unkind (especially if their parents are around)? Worse yet, sometimes (like today), a kid will wait for 10 or 15 minutes to play with my dogs, not knowing that they still have 30 minutes of exercise to do. How to tell the child that waiting is useless and they maybe should, I don't know, not wait around?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I try to pick times when kids won't be around: when they are in school, suppertime, etc. Often this is good enough, but sometimes not.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T02:24:41.100" LastActivityDate="2018-12-22T17:54:11.890" Title="Is there a polite way to ask a kid to &quot;move along&quot;?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4804" CreationDate="2017-10-01T22:47:46.000" Score="79" Body="&lt;p&gt;From an outsider's perspective training/exercise with a dog looks a lot like play. Particularly curious kids won't recognize a difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could just try explaining it to them in age appropriate terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry kiddo, the dogs are training right now. It's like they're doing their homework, it helps if they're not distracted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These are very special dogs. They have lots and lots of energy because they're bred to herd sheep. If they don't get this kind of exercise they go a little crazy. Let me get them ready for playtime, ok?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases if you're open to letting the kids play with the dogs, specify a time, whether that be 30 minutes or tomorrow. If you don't want them waiting around, let them know when to return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It may be a while till they finish their homework, would you mind coming back at &lt;code&gt;time&lt;/code&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;School age kids will be used to hearing this sort of thing from their parents and their friends' parents, so it will probably make sense to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T01:36:15.230" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T01:36:15.230" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4346" CreationDate="2017-10-02T01:51:05.890" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, unless you're already famous for incisive candor, (or tolerated in spite of it), responding to that friend's grievances by sharing theories about your friend's flaws as hypothetical causes of unknown third party breaches would be unpleasant.  What's wanted is a pep talk, in which one may remind and commend the grieved party for those qualities they do have, not hint obliquely at the many things you believe they lack.  Your friend just wants a sympathetic ear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, without knowing the third party, how do you know they aren't themselves at fault, or weren't having a terrible day, etc.  Give a friend the benefit of the doubt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put another way, commiserating with a friend is a bit like hiring a defense attorney, and nobody wants their defense attorney to turn into a second prosecutor.  Their accuser (Jane) has probably already been on the job of finding and hinting at faults, so any efforts there might be redundant.  Your sketch of Sally makes it sound like she already knows her own faults and is hoping for reassurance that you wouldn't drop her for the same reasons Jane may have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6628" LastEditorUserId="6628" LastEditDate="2017-10-24T21:03:59.160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T21:03:59.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4797" CreationDate="2017-10-02T04:54:42.763" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You framed the question wrong. It isn't a &quot;former co-worker&quot; that is causing havoc but rather a family member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first and foremost leave your former company out of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second you should have a one on one conversation with the family member about your feelings, not about &quot;the facts.&quot; Believe me (1) only the managers know why they &quot;really&quot; let you go. The story that they told you is something that they could sell and defend, not necessarily the truth. (2) The gossiping family member has already made his/her mind up about the facts and you will never convince them otherwise.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly I'd suggest that you just tell your story to your parents in private, and to any other family members to whom you are really close. Don't try to tell your story to everyone in the family, and don't point fingers at the family member who is gossiping. The point is that you don't want to get into a family drama about whether you or the family member who is gossiping is &quot;right&quot; about the reason for your termination. So be Joe Friday. Just tell the facts about what you were told when terminated and drop the matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6584" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T04:54:42.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4811" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4838" CreationDate="2017-10-02T05:17:14.627" Score="5" ViewCount="1341" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is the most &quot;first world&quot; problem I've ever experienced, but I'm hoping some folks with similar experience might have some guidance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr:&lt;/strong&gt; Wife's mother offered to pay for a big trip somewhere; We're worried the offer is self-serving. What's the best way to accept or reject this gift while minimizing damage?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My MIL (mother-in-law) lives alone and has recently become obsessed with the show &quot;Doc Martin&quot; (set in England). I'd prefer to minimize details, but I don't use &quot;obsessed&quot; lightly: this progressed quickly past &quot;fandom&quot; and has already detrimentally affected her relationships with us and others. She's gone to great lengths to get everyone around her invested in the show with her, but it's just not our cup of tea. She's taken this as personally offensive and it's been the source of a lot of tension. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During a recent visit, MIL pulled my wife to the side and told her that she'd like to send just the two of us on a vacation to Port Isaac in Cornwall, where the show is filmed. My wife, being cautious, asked for more details so we could discuss it. &quot;I'll need your help finding out when they film so we can be sure you'll be there at the right time, and I'll get a list together of all the places you need to go and people you need to try to meet,&quot; was the reply. It turns out that she's been thinking about this for a while and has created a specific itinerary she'd like us to follow for the trip. She also asked that it be a private gift; my MIL &amp;amp; FIL are on good terms but live apart and lead separate social lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're concerned that taking this trip contributes to my MIL's delusions around this TV show and puts us in the awkward position of enabling her isolation. It seems like this is a grandiose attempt to get us interested in the show, and a way to deepen her personal connection to the cast/characters. The &quot;privacy&quot; around the offer is a bit worrisome as well, and suggests that other family members might not look fondly on this sort of indulgence. My wife likened it to a free business trip (It's &quot;all expenses paid&quot;, but at what cost?) while I joked that it'd be like sending my grandparents on a &quot;Game of Thrones&quot; tour (&quot;HOW many people died here?!&quot;)!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, this is a &lt;em&gt;huge&lt;/em&gt; gift that she feels strongly about, and turning it down will likely do some serious damage to our relationship with my MIL. We travel often and have talked about England in the past, so we can't brush it easily off as something we're not interested in. Ultimately, our worry is that this isn't so much a gift for us as a gift for her that we're being used to fulfill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few other details affecting our decision:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We're American, and this is not a trivial expense or trip.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The area we'd be visiting is looks lovely but is not somewhere we'd visit on our own.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My MIL explicitly said she's not mobile enough to accompany us - it would just be my wife &amp;amp; I. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This gift wouldn't break anyone's bank, but the nature of where we're going and why might raise a few eyebrows.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're less concerned about &quot;stay or go&quot; and more about &quot;how to manage expectations&quot;. In particular, we're worried that she thinks we're going to become friends with the cast or that they'll know her personally from the letters she's sent. We'd love to take the trip and don't mind seeing some new sights to get pictures for her, but want to be 100% certain that my MIL understands that we're unlikely to be invited for tea with Martin Clunes!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can anyone offer some tips on how we might approach discussing this offer while minimizing offense to our family? Does anyone have experience (favorable or otherwise) with taking a trip paid for by family? We're both a little flummoxed as to how we should proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6658" LastEditorUserId="6658" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T13:56:59.257" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T12:25:32.343" Title="How to manage expectations around a vacation offer from family?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4812" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4836" CreationDate="2017-10-02T05:48:21.647" Score="18" ViewCount="18090" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I had a look at that excellent earlier &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3141/how-to-react-when-someone-makes-a-racially-charged-joke-about-their-own-heritage/3153#3153&quot;&gt;question&lt;/a&gt;, but think that these two questions are too different from each other.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's about a group of friendly acquaintances and friends who have known each other for a few years already. We were sitting together and talking about clothes, certain dresses in particular. No man was involved in the conversation. &amp;quot;Eve&amp;quot; laughingly said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I couldn't wear dresses like that with my small breasts. &lt;em&gt;(The expression she used was actually a bit more colloquial than that and put it more forcefully and she also made a gesture with her hands)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, everyone kept silent for a short while and then the conversation resumed but followed another thread.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;About Eve&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is in her 20's. We have known each other for a few years already. She doesn't completely conform to the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.researchgate.net/publication/234119371_The_impact_of_Western_beauty_ideals_on_the_lives_of_women_and_men_A_sociocultural_perspective&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Western beauty ideal&lt;/a&gt; (but in my  opinion, she is quite pretty in her own right). Her observation was correct, and her laugh gave me the impression that she was (also) trying to soften it a bit. And I know that she is dissatisfied with her body.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do you respond when someone makes a self-deprecating remark about her looks?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal is to avoid an awkward situation from arising and to make Eve feel comfortable.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She could have just skipped it and I admire her for being so brave to make such a (joking, but true) comment, so I wouldn't want the reaction to somehow &amp;quot;punish&amp;quot; her for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Awkward silence may make her feel as if she killed the mood, but her comment also left her vulnerable. That's my dilemma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I also considered that Eve may have wanted to shut down the conversation this way. I didn't feel that this was her goal back then and also don't think that it removes the problem of how to respond in that situation. That's also not something she usually does.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid misunderstandings:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This conversation was not out of place. Such conversations are quite common among us. Also opening up and talking about one's feelings / problems. Self-deprecating comments are quite rare, though.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Eve didn't use offensive language, so that was not the problem. It was not extraordinary in that respect.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T05:33:42.863" Title="How should I respond when someone makes a self-deprecating remark about her look?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4813" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4797" CreationDate="2017-10-02T07:07:11.397" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a psychiatrist, I am urged to say my usual two favorite words: &lt;em&gt;confront&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;resolve&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's obvious that there's some history between the two of you, you possibly have done something to this relative and he just found the opportunity to get back at you or he's simply a gossip and someone that likes to meddle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case I would advice you to confront this person and discuss why he felt the need to share the news of your termination and possibly with an incorrect reason. In their defense, office gossip probably got the best of them or possibly the reason why you were indeed terminated was that (too many sick days) - so that's also a good chance for a little retrospective and self-reflection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you really want to work on resolving issues with this person, I would sit down with them and hash out their true feelings. There seems to an issue there that needs to be addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="6561" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T07:57:53.100" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T07:57:53.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4814" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-02T07:17:53.433" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, most people make self-deprecating remarks about themselves to garner some acknowledgement or support of the opposite of their statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your friend's case, she probably wanted the group to say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't be silly, you could wear any dress you like. It would go great with your figure!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I typically go the other way. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, I didn't want to say anything, but now that you mention it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you say it with a smile, you still want to keep it light and funny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3796" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T07:17:53.433" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4815" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4816" CreationDate="2017-10-02T07:28:21.470" Score="16" ViewCount="7722" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before I get started, let me explain my situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I live with two other students in a house&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rent goes to the landlord individually&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Money for water, electricity, internet etc. goes to a bank account from which the different companies take their money from. The account is on my name which makes me responsible for payments. The account goes from person to person as people move in and out of the house&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We have a new roommate since two months. We didn't know him before and we came in contact by him responding to the ad we put put in search of a new roommate&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I stated above, I'm responsible for making sure every bill is paid and everybody pays their share at the end of the month. I also maintain an Excel sheet for all the house members to show where the money goes. Our newest member (lets call him 'M') is also in possession of this after we welcomed him and gave him a tour of the house. The problem is that he forgot to pay the first month he was living here. For him, the experience of living on your own and away from your parents in completely new and this can be quite overwhelming. He is also a few years younger than us. So I'm almost certain that this is an honest mistake and he simply forgot. I also have to mention that there is absolutely no case of quarrel or hostilities from either side. To be fair, M is not the problem. &lt;strong&gt;I am&lt;/strong&gt;. Discussing finances and asking for money are extremely awkward for me. I have seen the problems it can cause in my family and I also have social anxiety which isn't exactly helpful. I just want him to feel welcome and have a good time living and studying here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I ask my roommate for his share of the monthly costs without being too accusing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6607" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T15:31:21.243" LastActivityDate="2019-06-24T22:25:43.107" Title="Asking my new roommate for overdue payments" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4815" CreationDate="2017-10-02T07:41:39.893" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you've put the right answer in your original question already. Assume good intentions, he probably forgot. He just needs a reminder that he forgot to do something important, and that should be enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I think you forgot to put the money for utilities in the shared bank account last month. Can you fix that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially if he paid for the second month then it probably wasn't intentional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T07:41:39.893" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4804" CreationDate="2017-10-02T08:09:09.617" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just continue training your dogs in peace, older children understand the difference between work and play.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if the prolonged silence does make you feel awkward you could ask in a quiet but cheerful voice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you OK? Sure you're not bored watching these dogs work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The children should reply, and you can then explain how long the session will last. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;From a child's point of view.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Children generally like animals, and generally, they like learning new stuff. They also need to make sense of the world they live in. Watching a professional dog trainer working is easy to understand. You don't even need to ask the dog handler what she's doing, you can hear the verbal commands and see her hand signals, and how the Border Collies respond to those commands. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe in the children's minds, they're thinking how cool you are, (&lt;em&gt;she's a dog whisperer!&lt;/em&gt;) and how cool those smart dogs are. The fact that sometimes they watch you in silence, shouldn't make you feel awkward or concerned that they are wasting their time. Kids don't need to be told when they are bored, they are perfectly capable of leaving the field by themselves if they see nothing new is happening or that the training session is longer than they expected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The kids who remain must really like what you're doing. I would be fascinated too, the only times I've seen a dog trainer perform is on the TV, there used to be a British TV programme called &lt;em&gt;One Man and his Dog&lt;/em&gt;, and as a young child, I was transfixed to the screen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/dFF6w.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/dFF6w.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;picture of an old man sitting near a dog&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine if I could have seen a dog handler in real life, I would have been ecstatic! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;em&gt;Sigh&lt;/em&gt;... Yes, I know. Women can also be dog handlers but the programme was made donkey's years ago, it was first aired in 1976. I was born in the UK, in 1966, and I remember distinctly watching that programme as a child. By the time I reached my mid-teens I had lost all interest, but I do remember liking it. &lt;a href=&quot;http://http:/https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_Man_and_His_Dog&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt; tells me that the show, in its heyday, attracted 8 million viewers during the 1980s.&lt;/sub&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;YouTube clip, 2010, entitled &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3di8J7ZnnRQ&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;BBC, One Man and His Dog&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2018-12-22T17:54:11.890" LastActivityDate="2018-12-22T17:54:11.890" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-02T08:17:20.143" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I put myself sometimes in a situation like Eve. I make self deprecating jokes on a health problem that I carry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people laugh it off when I do it or have a similar reaction to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ouch! That dark humor man. -laughs-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find those reactions acceptable and I laugh it off with them. After all that was the point of making the joke myself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's my recommendation. Notice the joke and react accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6520" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T08:17:20.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-02T08:24:42.520" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Eve's remark:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I couldn't wear dresses like that with my small breasts. (The&#xA;  expression she used was actually a bit more colloquial than that and&#xA;  put it more forcefully and she also made a gesture with her hands).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Such conversations are quite common among us. Also opening up and&#xA;  talking about one's feelings / problems. But self-deprecating comments&#xA;  are quite rare, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume that you have talked about what kinds or styles of clothes look good on you all or don't look as flattering on you all, before. If this is the case and being open is also common among you then I see no reason why you wouldn't comment on how that dress looked on her, whether it was flattering or not so flattering. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Even though self-deprecating comments are quite rare, I would still ask how you might have handled a similar situation in the past.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's stay with your example. I agree with @PhrozenSky that &lt;strong&gt;a lot of times when women make a self-deprecating remark about their appearance they really want someone&lt;/strong&gt; to tell them how wrong they are, to tell them the opposite of what they think, OR &lt;strong&gt;to just compliment them in general&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though I don't agree this is the best approach, I am guilty of having done that in the past, and I'm sure others have done it to me. But sometimes, this might mean that the person who said something didn't want to go through the trouble explaining what they really thought, didn't really care so they said something just to answer, or they tried to be overly polite to the point they basically lied OR they didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings (depends on the relationship)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; respond is really dependent on the relationship you have with Eve&lt;/strong&gt; and on how well she responds to comments about her look. From what you said Eve does seem to not like certain aspects of her appearance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; really think about that dress on her? First of all, do you agree with her remark? If you disagree just tell her. But if you do agree then, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You could say something positive about the dress in general (comment on the color, length, fabric)&lt;/strong&gt; or say something positive about the dress on her (how it matches her skin tone, hair) &lt;strong&gt;but then add that a different style of dress might look more flattering on her&lt;/strong&gt;. You could tell her something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I like the color of the dress on you, (it makes your eyes stand out),&#xA;  but I think a different style might look more flattering on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even have the &quot;right&quot; dress in mind, and show her one almost right away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR respond more generally (you can always come up with a better way of saying this)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Each body is different. What looks good on one body type A might not&#xA;  look as good on body type B. How boring would it be if we all looked the same...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And with a sign of relief,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm glad there are so many styles to chose from or &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; wouldn't be&#xA;  able to wear.....&#xA;  (make it about you even)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Staying silent isn't necessarily wrong here either.&lt;/strong&gt; Eve probably is aware that you know how she feels about her looks or that dress, so she might just switch the subject right away. You don't always have to respond. You're not obligated because she didn't ask you a question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T09:41:52.017" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T09:41:52.017" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-02T08:54:35.520" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've made self-deprecating jokes. In fact, where I come from, that kind of 'humor' might be a little more common, since you write that &lt;em&gt;&quot;self-deprecating comments are quite rare, though.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I take the trouble of making a joke, even though it is at my own expense, I would appreciate it if people laughed, or at least smiled. It is, after all, a joke. If it helps, I only make such jokes around people that I'm very comfortable with, the kind of people of which I'm sure they have learned better than to just judge me by my looks. So feel free to smile/ laugh for a short while, that's what the joke is for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this was about a particular style of dress, a good reply might have been: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, but you look so good in [other style of dress]! I could never wear one of those, for fear of my boobs falling out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least, that's the kind of joke my friends would have made back, and it gives Eve a chance to laugh a little with you, and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This only works if you're very sure that Eve made the comment as a joke to begin with.&lt;/strong&gt; If she didn't, such a response might sound like you are belittling her (maybe self-perceived) problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorDisplayName="user3306" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T19:29:39.667" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T19:29:39.667" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4822" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-02T09:42:31.310" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This tag can be used for questions about interacting with children, whether they are your children or someone else's children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For children ages 13-19, you can also consider using the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/teenagers&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;teenagers&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;teenagers&lt;/a&gt; tag for more age-appropriate advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T21:55:22.803" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T21:55:22.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4823" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-02T09:42:31.310" Score="0" Body="When one has to interact with kids, whether they are yours or someone else's." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T21:55:22.803" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T21:55:22.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4824" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-02T09:46:04.417" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;An argument is when two or more people are trying to present their opposing views in a heated or angry way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used to indicate that the question involves two or more people getting heated or angry while presenting opposing views.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not use this tag to ask for help winning an argument or phrasing your side of an argument as such questions are off-topic on IPS.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-24T17:30:20.747" LastActivityDate="2019-05-24T17:30:20.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4825" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-02T09:46:04.417" Score="0" Body="For use on questions where multiple people are exchanging opposing views in a heated or angry way." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-24T17:30:20.747" LastActivityDate="2019-05-24T17:30:20.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4826" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-02T09:48:58.500" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T09:48:58.500" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T09:48:58.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4827" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-02T09:48:58.500" Score="0" Body="When someone is showing no respect for a god or a religion, especially through language. About an offensive or obscene word or phrase, like swearing or blasphemy." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T09:48:58.500" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T09:48:58.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4828" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-02T09:55:06.323" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T09:55:06.323" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T09:55:06.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4829" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-02T09:55:06.323" Score="0" Body="A communication technique used in counseling, training, and conflict resolution. The listener has to concentrate, understand, respond and remember what is being said." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T09:55:06.323" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T09:55:06.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4811" CreationDate="2017-10-02T10:34:50.680" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't feel qualified to answer the potential mental health issues raised here, but happy to bounce back with some thoughts. Shame you didn't tell us the title of the show, it might have given me some idea of where you might be going!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you genuinely believe your MIL has a possible mental health issue, you perhaps need to discuss this seriously with other family members with the purpose of an intervention and treatment. But is it really that serious? Lots of people get 'obsessed' with things. You joked about Game of Thrones, lots of people are crazy about that show and visit the filming locations, but you wouldn't think they were all mentally ill! My daughter loves Doctor Who, I'm hoping to take her to some filming locations next year, no big deal, it is just a bit of fun. The fact you don't mention the name of the show makes me think it is more embarrassing for you than anything. Why can't she be obsessed with a TV show?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By going on the trip you might not be fueling the obsession so much as satisfying it. She would clearly like to go herself but you say she isn't mobile enough. Lots of parents live out their dreams vicariously through their kids, so that aspect doesn't seem so weird. It is something she would want to do herself but can't, so she wants to send her child. Maybe once it is done it will be like a checkbox ticked and she will move on somewhat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A truly delusional person might believe that characters from a TV show are real - but actually visiting sets and meeting actors can really jar you back into reality. I once met the star of a TV show I liked, he was a complete jerk, now I can't watch him. I don't see the character anymore, just the actor. Maybe seeing photos of you in those places without the set pieces will be a dose of reality for her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the isolated area - while there ARE what we consider 'isolated' parts of the UK, it isn't really what an American might think is isolated. You guys can drive for 4 hours across literally nothing. Drive for 4 hours in any direction in Britain and you will be in the sea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you need to negotiate a compromise - mark a portion of the trip for the TV show pilgrimage and make it clear the rest is your vacation time to do with as you please? If other family members are jealous then perhaps offer to pay for a percentage of the trip yourself? And if you do accept it, manage her expectations because you might not be lucky enough to see and capture everything she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really hope this helps - please don't take this an expert response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh please tell us what the show is!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T10:34:50.680" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4831" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4797" CreationDate="2017-10-02T10:42:04.640" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I inform my former workplace about this person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NO&lt;/strong&gt;, you shouldn't. What's done is done. And there's nothing you can do about that, nor can you change the way it was done. It can only worsen.&#xA;It could (would?) be seen as a mere attempt of retaliation (for what reason? more gossiping...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More from the WorkPlace.SE : &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/23599/how-to-avoid-the-resignation-reason-rumor-mill/&quot;&gt;How to avoid the rumor mill?&lt;/a&gt; and many related.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, it's not the company, but the co-worker. I would definately not go back to the manager and talk about this, as it's none of their business anymore. You're out. Period. They won't waste time and energy dealing with this, they'll let it fade away, as many companies do...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or should I deal with it privately?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would&lt;/strong&gt;. I would just tell this family member that there's no reason for anyone to talk about issues when they don't know about &lt;em&gt;all the ins and outs.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why would you do that and why is it the best way to handle it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Because when they go low, you go high.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him it's none of his business. Be firm, but polite. Let him understand he's gone way too far into something personal, that you should have handled, not him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't argue and tell him what really went on, why you were laid off. If he asks, don't answer more than (roughly): &lt;em&gt;it's &lt;strong&gt;MY&lt;/strong&gt; life, not yours, I would appreciate if you let me say what I want, AND when. &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; decide what to tell to people, and what &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; want to explain.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;It's my decision. Not Yours. Please stop spreading rumors.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell your family members, nicely, with your own words, that it happened, well... It's sad, but you're OK now, and that they shouldn't listen to rumors.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Will it work?&lt;/strong&gt; It depends on their personality. It would be too overconfident to say it'll work for sure, but at least, they will have heard YOUR point of view. From there, you may need to adapt your speech to whatever they ask or say...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's only experienced-based, but my Dad and, later, life, taught me that, in case of rumors, &lt;em&gt;the less you say, the best it goes&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;strong&gt;Let gossipers wade around in the mud, don't jump with them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T10:42:04.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="951" CreationDate="2017-10-02T12:08:19.827" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a similar situation. After a divorce I found myself a single dad for nearly 5 years and relied a lot on my parents and also my aunt who I am very close to. They always had a key to my house for emergencies and it was not an issue. But while I relied heavily on them they did gradually start doing more and more things for me, well-meaning, but without prompting. While I was on my own, I actually didn't mind and never said anything. Now I am married again, and my wife does feel uncomfortable when they (occasionally) just let themselves in, and I do see her point of view. On the other hand they are wonderful and really help us out, something both my wife and I acknowledge. My wife loves my family too, and the issue isn't the coming in, it is the fact it is unannounced. Did you remember to tidy away anything embarrassing? Maybe you left underwear drying around the house - there are plenty of everyday things you don't want your family, especially in-laws, to see.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need another key holder for genuine emergencies, like you get locked out, so don't take his key away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is install a burglar alarm and do not give him the code. Explain this to him, express that you want him to be a keyholder for emergencies, but if he wants to come and do work for you he has to give you notice, and you can leave the alarm off. Impress upon him that if he comes in the house unannounced the alarm will trip and he may have to deal with the police. Hopefully he will not feel offended because you are still trusting him with the key, but will modify his behaviour. Knowing when he is coming will help you prepare - hide breakable objects for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T12:08:19.827" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-02T13:31:59.017" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience the older you get and the number of this kind of jokes will raise. That's because you will generally accept yourself and go on with your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an answer and for future reference, you could always laugh and keep the joke running and at the same time say something positive about her to re assure that she is not &quot;everything bad&quot;, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know what they say: big breast mean's small brain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course I'm just joking, I hope you get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could always talk to her alone and address her issue in personal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6666" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T15:45:15.343" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T15:45:15.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-02T14:20:58.670" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She doesn't completely conform to the Western beauty ideal... And I know, that she is dissatisfied with her body. ...My goal is to avoid an awkward situation from arising and to make Eve feel comfortable. ...Awkward silence may make her feel, as if she killed the mood, but her comment also left her vulnerable. That's my dilemma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably take a kind of &quot;grass is greener&quot; approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I understand you correctly, she knows she's small and she doesn't like it. You don't want to invalidate her and her disappointment, but you also want to build her up.&#xA;There are a number of things you can say that leave it up to her to take a compliment or continue the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Eve, big breasts are overrated. It's embarrassing to have men stare at (my?) breasts while (I'm) trying to have a conversation.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'd kill for your (x) (something really nice: hair, eyes, smile, legs, etc.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;With your (wit/intelligence/sweet nature/sense of humor), who needs big breasts?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're beautiful. Don't let Madison Avenue dictate how you feel about yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At my age, one has to let go of Madison Avenue's hype (and AARP's as well!) I've also had breast cancer, so there's that. But you really appreciate that what's &lt;em&gt;inside&lt;/em&gt; counts for much, much more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T14:20:58.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4837" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-02T14:47:30.633" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Deprecation is when you take something that's big and talk it into small.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that what Eve did carries no signs of deprecation, it was merely an accurate, but intimate observation. In modern culture, in pursuit of &quot;everybody is beautiful&quot;, it's often overlooked that not every body looks good in every dress. A dress has to match the body type. She was talking about her breasts as much as she was talking about dresses. I believe that your interpretation of her statement was incorrect, hence the awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you react? Talk about dresses that look good on her body type. I believe that was what she expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;make Eve feel comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was already feeling too comfortable to share something like that, to talk openly about her flaws. Apparently, she misjudged the level of intimacy the rest of the group was comfortable with. To handle that aspect, you'd have to pull the group closer together. That would be risky, as you could make other gals feel uncomfortable. From the silence you're describing, they're not ready to talk so openly about their body issues. Neither are you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;/edit: Damn, after re-reading this I've realized it sounds harsh. To clarify:&lt;/em&gt;  You're not ready to talk about it &lt;strong&gt;and that's OK.&lt;/strong&gt; Nobody should be forced to talk about things they find uncomfortable. The silence was merely how you all communicated that to Eve. Everything is fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastEditorUserId="3141" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T16:40:11.617" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T16:40:11.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4811" CreationDate="2017-10-02T14:51:48.107" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry in advance; I'm going to be blunt here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On the other hand, this is a huge gift that she feels strongly about, and turning it down will likely do some serious damage to our relationship with my MIL. We travel often and have talked about England in the past, so we can't brush it easily off as something we're not interested in. Ultimately, our worry is that this isn't so much a gift for us as a gift for her that we're being used to fulfill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your MIL has an unhealthy obsession with an interesting show full of small town characters who all know each other in an idealistic setting. &lt;strong&gt;Forget about the vacation.&lt;/strong&gt; That says something about her own life and mental health which should be addressed first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would definitely not take her up on her offer to have an all-strings-attached vacation for several reasons: 1) It feeds into her illusions (if not delusions), 2) It is not a gift (a gift is about someone else. This is about her.) 3) It crosses all kinds of boundaries all over the place: with her husband, with other family members, with your autonomy as adults, the 'gift' requires deception on your part, etc., etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real gift here is encouraging your MIL to get into therapy. If her obsession is interfering with her relationships and leading her to try to involve you in it as well, she needs to discuss her real life and real problems with a therapist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say turning down her gift might damage your relationship with your MIL. This is unusual, to say the least. There are red flags everywhere here. The thing I'd be most worried about is how to convince her to see a therapist without her feeling some kind of rejection from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd do it anyway. And I definitely wouldn't even entertain taking her up on that offer. Or, alternately, take her up on it only if she goes into therapy for six months, giving her plenty of time to think about why and if this is a 'gift' she really wants you to do for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I feel for your MIL. Be gentle, but be firm; she needs someone to talk to about her life who knows what they're doing. Good luck; I mean that. I hope it goes well.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T14:51:48.107" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4815" CreationDate="2017-10-02T15:14:13.277" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a believer of nipping issues like this in the bud as soon as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more you delay telling him the more awkward it will be for both of you when you do. You feel stressed discussing this with him but you are also risking him feeling bad about not paying his share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always advise people to take the direct route but since money seems to be a troublesome topic for you, you can always leave a note or send him an email. That way you avoid confrontations, he avoids feeling awkward (provided it was a mistake) and you all move on forgetting this ever happened. That might work if he knows that you're responsible for the bills and falls under your authority to notify him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can see if in a week for a example he has deposited the money. If not, then you will need to talk to him in person. Again, simply stating the fact, perhaps print out a bank statement for that mount showing that you had no deposits from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="6561" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T06:20:56.717" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T06:20:56.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-02T15:28:54.300" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've said Eve is your friend; a lot depends on how your interactions usually go.  Do you guys regularly tease each other?  Do you guys treat her as fragile usually?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If y'all are the teasing types, you might poke and soothe at the same time:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, you're lovely and you know it.  Now shut it, chickadee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is what I'd expect to hear among my own crowd -- in spirit at least ... my crew is guys, so the actual insecurity source would be different, and the words would be much coarser.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Eve is a little more fragile, or more deeply concerned about her appearance, you might tell her that she is pretty, maybe she needs help to bring it out properly.  Note her positive points -- maybe she has a nice figure; maybe she has beautiful eyes; look, everyone has at least one good feature.  I'm talking about looks here ... right now is not the time to tell her she &quot;has a great personality&quot;.  Depending on how invested you are, you might offer to help her with a makeover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are entire industries and generations of lore accumulated about how to make the most of what one has.  I'll tell you this, though, being a guy ... mien and attitude make up a surprising amount of what attracts.  I'm half-convinced that this is a good chunk of what a makeover does ... it makes the makeovee (?) &lt;strong&gt;feel&lt;/strong&gt; more beautiful, and that means that, well, she is.  The other chunk has to do with the esoterica of color wheels and cloth drapeage which I don't understand well, but do in fact have a lot of art behind them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Side note ... one could argue that our society is too looks-focused.  Maybe.  But that's a larger issue, and when your friend reaches out in sadness because she wants to be beautiful, you don't scold her for wanting it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T15:28:54.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4842" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4860" CreationDate="2017-10-02T15:31:20.373" Score="73" ViewCount="33882" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; This question is unlikely to have a very strong cultural context so I welcome answers from members all over the world.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I  met this person (code name Jane D) when I was studying sociology at Masters level 12 years ago. She was much older and a senior graduate student in the subject, and already a very vocal feminist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had some social science discussions at the time (she was not part of the faculty conducting the course, and thus not my teacher) and I developed a sympathetically pro-feminist attitude which was conjoined with a new understanding of how &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=patriarchal+societies+control+both+men+and+women&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;patriarchal societies control &lt;em&gt;both men and women&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We lost touch for over ten years but she has recently become my neighbor. Both she and her politico-liberal husband (read Marxist intellectual) are full-time university professors while I am doing things totally unrelated to academia these days. However she has become a friend of my mother, who knows her family from long back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trouble is that Jane D frequently visits my mother and whenever I meet her by chance she starts delivering strongly political speeches about feminism and patriarchy. Her tone is alarmingly accusatory and she keeps saying &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;you men&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; this and &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;you men&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; that, despite my repeated efforts to remind her that I am a sociologist myself and not at all a representative of patriarchal society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A sample conversation which we had 2 days ago:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane D: you men have been keeping women down forever! Again and again I see this. You men have the steering wheel of this whole society! Is it your divine right or what? You have no right to say what women should do in this country. etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I say: don't include me! What have I done? &lt;strong&gt;I agree with you completely&lt;/strong&gt; so why you think you need to convince me!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane D: you men are all alike. A man can never help a woman. This is another class war like Communism and we don't need your support. Without your support only the women will set themself free! (She is a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radical_feminism&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;radical feminist&lt;/a&gt;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not even a sensible political discussion, and really upsets my mother, who is a retired doctor and totally not interested in politics. She cannot be bothered about anything that distracts her from her health and her family, but she hesitates to be strict with Jane D because she considers her a friend and was close with their family from long back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: Jane D is absolutely convinced that men are the class enemy of women but she has nothing against me personally (friendly enough when &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; politically fired up, which is like 15% of the time) -- her husband is aloof and never accompanies her on these visits nor meets with us on any other occasion. I don't really know this person but considering Jane D's personality, he is very unlikely to be of any influence in this matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Summary: I don't want Jane D to be talking about feminism and patriarchy all the time, and I especially resent her categorizing me as part of patriarchal society, but she resists our repeated hints and efforts to change the subject. It is not in my personality to be aggressive and clash argumentatively with her over this issue. Mother has also requested that I should not tell Jane D directly not to discuss politics when she visits us, because it is impolite from the point of view of Indian hospitality, which tells us never to offend a guest or neighbor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how do I diplomatically deal with Jane D's this habit of continuously delivering political speeches about feminism when she visits my home?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T00:54:44.437" Title="How can I deal diplomatically with a feminist neighbor who continuously delivers political speeches in private?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;feminism&gt;" AnswerCount="21" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T15:46:00.713" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I was typing this answer, Fildor posted a comment saying you can't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree. There is no &quot;diplomacy&quot; with a person like that. What I've done in the past is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Feminist: You men are always.....&lt;br&gt;&#xA;    Me: Can I just say something before you say that? I am not one of those &quot;men&quot;. I am completely empathetic to the feminist movement and I completely support your notions. You don't know what kind of a man I am and you shouldn't be talking about feminism to me like I am one of those men you hate. I am on your side, don't worry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be a bit more rude than you would want it to be, but honestly, you got to rip that band-aid off quick and easy if you want to never have to deal with this in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick is to stop them from talking and tell them your views. When you stop someone from saying something, they're usually going to listen. Because they've clearly noticed you interrupting them. You've gotten their attention. Now, go straight to the point you're trying to make. Don't try to sugar coat it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;After several comments about this being man-splaining, I feel the need to clarify. There are a few reasons why this is not man-splaining:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're not interrupting a feminist to say she is wrong.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're not interrupting a feminist to discredit her views or to make her look/seem foolish to have her beliefs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're interrupting a feminist to let her know that you're not her enemy and that you completely support her belief. You're trying to make her feel safe with her views. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're not talking on top of her. I've edited the conversation to reflect this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that the way the response was worded might come off as rude and arrogant (in this situation, chauvinistic even) and I apologize to anyone/everyone that I might have offended. I am simply trying to emphasize that letting her know way before she talks about her feminist views that you're not an enemy to her or you don't think her views are valuable might change her tone and might make her talk to you like you're another member of her belief system and the tone in which she talks will greatly improve. She would not take an accusative tone. &quot;You men&quot; would become &quot;These men&quot; and honestly, even though that doesn't completely accomplish everything the OP asked for, it is a much more pleasant conversation to have rather than a heated argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try real hard, you can make anything and everything seem bad while it is not intended to mean harm to anyone. So I am going to just leave this here and if people still don't like my answer, I am sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T17:19:21.230" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T17:19:21.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T16:27:14.567" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;People with radical beliefs are often hard to deal with, I should know, I tend to be one of them...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've dated a few radical feminists they can be really good people once you get to know them, but sometimes it can be challenging to get them off their soapboxes. When I've been hit with the:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You men are all the same...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You've known me long enough to know that you're preaching to the choir... And, not to put too fine a point on it,  this &quot;You men&quot; thing isn't exactly helpful for your cause. In some cases you end up alienating a huge group of people who would have otherwise supported your point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly I admire people who have this kind of passion about these issues, but reminding them that you're on the same side is sometimes the cost of spending time with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I admire your passion and beliefs, but I have already agreed with you about them. Let's save the energy for when it matters. No need to convince someone who's already convinced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then again some people just really enjoy their soapboxes and some will take your attempt to change the subject or to derail their speech as an attempt to &quot;silence or oppress&quot; in these cases, if you're patient enough, just give them a few minutes to get it out of their system and move on from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T16:27:14.567" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T16:31:42.773" Score="65" Body="&lt;p&gt;Between Jane and your mother, most sensible solutions are closed to you. Unlike many people here, I don't think you should &quot;not all men&quot; her anyway. It's rarely useful and demonstrates a mis-alignment around the emotional damages being discussed. That is, the total misery inflicted on group A by some members of group B wildly outweighs the smaller misery felt by &quot;nice&quot; members of group B when they are lumped with the not-nice ones, so the point is not a useful one to make. It is typically heard as &quot;my 1/100 pain of being lumped with the bad guys is far more important than the pain you suffered from being oppressed. We cannot do anything about your 70/100 pain because you are not properly respecting my 1/100 pain right now. Acknowledge NotAllMen or I will stop supporting you and become an oppressor and claim my birthright.&quot; It controls the conversation and puts your feelings ahead of the person who is telling you about their pain. Generally a far more powerful response is to start discussing the main issue, not whether or not &quot;men&quot; in general did it. For example, asking &quot;how can I help?&quot; before pointing out that it's not actually your fault or that you are already helping. &lt;strong&gt;However&lt;/strong&gt; Jane has made it clear that she doesn't want your help, so responding either with &quot;not all men&quot; or with &quot;how can I help?&quot; are both off the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't mean there is nothing to say to someone on a rant about the oppression their group has suffered. Useful points to make abound, including that you don't need to be lectured on things you already know, that you are happier discussing other topics, and that she is upsetting your mother. &lt;strong&gt;Yet you are constrained from making any of these&lt;/strong&gt;. So, what can you do? You can vote with your feet. When the speech starts, don't engage. Try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry to hear that this is troubling you again. I apologize for any pain I've just reminded you of. If you'll excuse me, I need to take care of something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you get up and walk away - to the bathroom, or to step outside, or to another room and another group of people if that's feasible. You wait a minute or two (longer if your mother is not being subjected to the speech in your absence), and then you return. It is unlikely the speech will be ongoing in the absence of anyone to argue with, but if it is, you can simply hold back from rejoining the group. If your mother appears trapped there, you can try the old&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mother, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And once there the two of you can discuss whether she is ok with staying in the conversation with Jane or having an excuse to leave it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not claiming that over time this will be some sort of aversion therapy that will teach Jane to change the subject. I suggest it only as a way to get yourself out of an unpleasant situation simply and without lying or arguing. (You're &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; lying: the something you need to take care of is your own well being. You do that by going somewhere you can be alone, or at least away from Jane.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T21:13:14.220" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T21:13:14.220" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T16:47:36.323" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem with this particular type of debater is that they have some &lt;em&gt;very strong opinions&lt;/em&gt; and probably read a metric ton of arguments on the subject. A lot of what you might say to try to defend yourself they probably heard before. While I haven't been blessed with knowing someone that extreme in real life I've read a lot of their articles to know that the following lines of argument are unlikely to work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'm not like that (#NotAllMen that Em C brought up) &lt;br&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;You are alienating people &lt;br&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Your categorizing a whole gender is similar to sexism&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so on. If a person will not change their mind and you don't feel like conversations are productive the best thing you can do is to bow out. Now if it were me I'd say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jane D: You men are always ... can never understand that ... etc&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Well if I'm such an irredeemable enemy to you why are we even talking? Gotta go, bye&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point one of two thing will happen, either this person stops talking to you (so you at least don't have to deal with the speeches) or they will have to acknowledge that perhaps there are some slight differences between men and maybe &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; aren't complete sexist pigs, but in that case it'll come from them and not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general (based on some experience) social justice advocates do not respond well to defensiveness because they see it as you trying to protect the status quo, so try to frame you argument in a way that is about your specific relationship rather then the system. Distilled you message should be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you insult [MY CATEGORY] you insult me, with all the consequences that that entails&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T16:47:36.323" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T16:53:43.440" Score="114" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;So how do I diplomatically deal with Jane D's this habit of continuously delivering political speeches in private?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't argue with Jane. Don't offer counter-arguments, don't say that you are on her side. She's already proven that she won't listen to any of those and isn't open for a 'nice' debate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Nice debates' follow rules. One of those rules is the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ad_hominem&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;ad hominem fallacy&lt;/a&gt;. This is what Jane is doing: 'You men' is an ad hominem fallacy. Cut Jane off. Simply state that &lt;strong&gt;you are not willing to discuss politics when she keeps making obvious mistakes like ad hominem fallacies.&lt;/strong&gt; Cut her off every time she does this. Don't let her gain momentum, cut her off immediately, as soon as she says the 'you men'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Mother has also requested me that I should not tell Jane D directly not to discuss politics when she visits us, because it is impolite from the point of view of 'Indian hospitality.'&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above solution should work. It cuts Jane off, so the discussion should be done. And you're not telling her to never discuss politics, only that you're never discussing politics with her when she's not honoring the rules of debating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Note after seeing all of the comments:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of comments saying that Jane doesn't want a debate/nice debate or will get pissed off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, the way I read the question Jane is already ranting and pissed off with OP being a male, and thus I myself am not too worried about my solution 'pissing her off'. She's already past the point of being nice herself in my opinion. It is something OP should take into account, however, and only OP can do that since they are the one that is meeting with Jane and getting an impression of her mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, the point here was that OP can't say &amp;quot;I'm not discussing this/politics with you&amp;quot; directly because that would go against mom's orders. So my solution is &lt;strong&gt;to state that he's not discussing this because Jane isn't following the rules of a nice debate &lt;em&gt;AND&lt;/em&gt; to follow through on that, so no talking (basically walking out on the discussion), until Jane brings these things up in a nice manner&lt;/strong&gt;. The way I read this question, the OP isn't adverse to discussing these topics with Jane, but it's the way that she's discussing things that bothers OP.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And last, yes, Jane may or may not be making ad hominem fallacies. I read the question as stating that every counterargument the OP made to Jane was dismissed on the ground that he was male. And that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an ad hominem fallacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T13:13:03.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-02T16:55:04.457" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You didn't describe your relationship with &quot;Eve&quot;. Friend or acquaintance? I'd say about the worst the group could do (other than rubbing her nose in it) would be a collective silence. So big thumbs down since that's exactly what you did. It is good that you've realized the faux pas. You also didn't give me enough information to even guess as to whether she was attempting to change the conversation, expressing her own feelings of inadequacy, or expressing a wry feeling of acceptance (or some combination of those things). Another question would be how long had the conversation been fixated on decolletage (or had it)? Talking about clothes for large sizes is exclusionary if some of the group aren't large. Putting it another way: talking about X (excessively) when some of the conversants aren't X is either rude or requires positive feedback (some indication of interest) by the non-X members. This is just common sense. It seems to me (but gosh, I'm a guy) that claiming that a large class of clothing (i.e. &quot;dresses like that&quot;) wouldn't fit shows more a lack of imagination than a statement of fact. I &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; all most dresses need is 2 shoulders and a torso, but maybe I'm wrong? I do agree that certain styles are more suited to some forms than to others, and I do agree that many dresses are designed to draw the eye to the cleavage or other anatomical features. So, one possible remark to &quot;I'm too flat to wear dresses like that.&quot; is &quot;Oh, I'm not sure. With the right alterations...&quot; Another possible reply is &quot;If you like it, wear it.&quot; or perhaps &quot;Unless you're trying to get on Maxim's Hot 100 list, you should wear what makes you feel good.&quot; and there's always &quot;Self-confidence looks good on anyone.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6674" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T16:55:04.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T16:59:58.750" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm reading that she is not your friend, but your mothers friend. Thus, you should talk to your mother politely to ask her to stop doing this speeches of her in your house since they are disturbing you. You have to make your mother understand that this is making you unhappy and that she needs to put limits to what her friends can do in your house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if your mom decides to not tell Jane, you will have to step up and firmly ask her to stop doing this. You have already told her your stance on the issue and she ha stated hers. That she needs to respect your point of view and individuality as much as she likes her own respected. She will still be welcomed in your house as a friend of your mother, but that friends do other stuff besides complaining about political issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From IMHO, if she doesn't accept this terms, then she wasn't really your mother friend so nothing is lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T16:59:58.750" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4850" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T17:47:13.813" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of two or more things spring to mind, each of which can be dismissed at pleasure:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is a possibly a crusader, set in her ways, consumed in her cause, and will undertake the opportunity to literally preach it wherever there may be ears that listen.  It is a well-worn path for her, she probably does it to everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is projecting her opinions onto others, and casting her own light in someone else's house.  There is a time for rampant political exchange - and when indoors it is commonly only when the host favours it, otherwise it risks 'becoming awkward'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is becoming awkward, she might benefit from being told of this, and being politely reminded (by a male, no less) that she might want to package her opinions and distribute them more tactfully - lest the people around her become tired to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially if it is causing upset.  You might consort her wrath by asking directly if there is she something completely different she could rant on about, for a change?  &quot;Anything else to talk of?&quot;  I'm sure there would be a more diplomatic way to put it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you must, keep changing the conversation in an discreet-yet-obvious matter to something else ideally involving her and she'll eventually get the message that maybe continuously dishing out her aggressive opinions is becoming inappropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, no less, she might have struggled victoriously through a male-dominated society and may be prone to triumphantly transfer onto others her feelings and desires.  The classic use of the term 'transference' comes from psychoanalysis and includes “the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object.”  She has probably got a bit of this going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4975" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T17:47:13.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T17:56:44.173" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can ignore her or make attempts to distance yourself from her. You could also, alternatively, see what her husband thinks, and if he thinks differently, try and band together and use your neighbor's feelings for her husband as a sort of kick in the pants to get her to see from out of the hole she's dug herself into. Other than that, I can't see any other options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The quote &quot;I cannot reason you out of a position you did not reason yourself into&quot; comes to mind. Good luck! I hope everything works out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6676" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T17:56:44.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4852" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5133" CreationDate="2017-10-02T18:38:53.517" Score="12" ViewCount="2390" Body="&lt;p&gt;About a month ago, my friend asked me to pay for his online ticket (which cost about 60 Euros) to temporarily move to the city I am living in. He couldn't pay himself as he needed a credit card for the payment, but he promised to return by cash when he arrives. Now he's in our city, we're meeting with him every day, soon he'll leave, but I am afraid he completely forgot about his debt because he's very absent minded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put some more context into my question: his financial situation is good enough to pay the debt, he almost never borrows money, we're very good friends and I am a self-financing student who actually needs that money. The problem is that I am a very shy person when it comes to money, especially with my friends. So, how can I politely, better implicitly, remind my friend to return his debt?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note: I am aware of &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2536/how-to-ask-a-friend-to-repay-me&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;How to ask a friend to repay me?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; question&lt;/a&gt;, but the attitudes of borrowers in the questions are completely different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6677" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T20:34:02.230" Title="How to implicitly remind an absent minded friend to return his debt?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T18:48:30.680" Score="96" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the tone of most answers, it seems most people agree with her position, but feel that she conveys it wrong.  For people who may read this question and &lt;em&gt;disagree&lt;/em&gt; with her view, I will post a few thoughts on how to handle this situation.  I would say the same could apply to whether you agree or disagree.  This person is what we call a &lt;strong&gt;button-pusher&lt;/strong&gt; - they love and thrive off of conflict.  I've met militant atheists and fundamentalists who live for the same thing.  Most of them have little, if any, long term friends, as they go through life alienating people.  Ironically, this often makes them act even worse - a warning about these types.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the most effective techniques I've discovered in the OP's situation (a social situation with multiple people) is to overtly exit the situation and make it clear why.  Suppose we're dealing with a militant religious type who's attacking me for &quot;being different&quot; in some way to a fellow friend, who doesn't care:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Attacker:&lt;/strong&gt; people like you are the problem because [reason, reason and reason].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will try to be defensive or agree and state, &quot;Hey, I'm on your side!&quot;  But this is a button-pusher who seeks conflict and they see your position as weakness.  If you disagree and argue, they love it too - more conflict!  If you agree, they'll find where you differ and attack anyway.  Conflict, conflict, conflict - this is their &lt;em&gt;reward&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like a bully, they'll keep attacking.  Let's look at the situation from a socially-healthy view: there's another person here who doesn't care [we'll call him Mr. Apathy] and he's miserable.  In the OP's case, this is his mother.  Since this situation has multiple people, exit the situation and state why.  Do not respond if the Attacker throws out a response; leave after stating why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; [Mr. Apathy], it was great seeing you.  I can see my presence here is causing [Attacker] to [describe the situation] again, so I'm leaving.  [Contact me some other time].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leave.  The Attacker will try one last attempt to draw a conflict, but they lose.  Without a conflict present anymore, the attacker loses his or her reward. &#xA; Why is this effective?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's a waste of time to be this person's friend.  In the OP's case, he's not.  In general though, by being a person's friend who's like this, they may alienate other people in your life.  If you lie down with dogs, you will wake up with flees.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your presence is the cause for making the third party [Mr. Apathy or the OP's mother in the OP's case] miserable.  In the OP's case, &lt;em&gt;because he's a man&lt;/em&gt;, she just loses it in her feminism.  The OP's presence is creating a conflict.  Outside of being selective when and how you see a friend in a situation like this, when a conversation devolves into the mess, leave.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Button pushers thrive from conflict.  Without conflict, they lose their reward.  People who make a choice to be these people's friends are living with their choice.  If you know your presence causes problems, then don't be present.  Otherwise, you're part of the problem even when you realize it.  It's not about you, it's about the &lt;em&gt;third party who is miserable when this happens.&lt;/em&gt;  Winning means treating your friends and family with respect in the situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am assuming some things in this post:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a.  You are not actively seeking conflict.  I've met plenty of people who call themselves feminists voluntarily (I am not).  I say nothing to it.  If I disagree or said something about it, I would be asking for trouble.  This is stupid.  If I don't agree with people, I don't highlight it; I ignore it and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b.  You posses respect for yourself and your friends.  If you respect yourself and your friend, why are you allowing someone to be a social bully and why are you allowing your friend to witness it?  This is miserable for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;c.  You respect your time.  On your death bed, will you remember any of of these conversations where a person attacked you?  Will you even remember all the debates you won?  Most people don't change their mind due to a debate; they do so for emotional reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T18:48:30.680" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4852" CreationDate="2017-10-02T18:54:36.763" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's your good friend, so go ahead, ask away. &quot;Do you remember that time I had to pay for the tickets? Do you think you can repay it in the coming days?&quot; or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should turn out well, considering that your friend currently is in a good condition financially. If he agrees to it, perhaps, he'll repay it soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no need to feel shy about this here because you're not asking him his money, it is your own. And you're not asking to return money when he's down. So, I see no harm in this. Go ahead. He's a friend. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T18:54:36.763" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T19:31:25.167" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... Jane D frequently visits my mother and whenever I meet her by chance she starts...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For whatever reason, your presence causes her to start discussions you and your mother don't wish to be part of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the simple answer is to leave.  There's no need to be rude about it either, but do try to take the first step rather than leaving as a reaction to her outburst:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi mom!  I see you have a visitor, good to see you Dr. I only stopped by to [drop this off, remind you of something, see how you are] but I don't want to interrupt your visit with each other so I'll be on my way!  Good to see you, have a good day!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If practical or possible, find out whether she's there before you visit to reduce the need of bumping into her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she appears while you are already visiting, finish your visit with your mother, and leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you must you can always make some pretense about why you might need to leave, but you do not owe either of them an explanation of what is pulling you away.  This will depend on what social customs are in your area.  For me in the US it's perfectly fine to state, &quot;I've got to go...&quot; and say your goodbyes and leave without telling anyone why you have to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T19:31:25.167" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T20:10:37.377" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's what you have to realize ... Jane is not interested in learning anything, or an exchange of ideas.  She knows everything she wants to know, and you are not really required in the conversation.  It's not even a conversation, really.  She has a speech she wants to give, and you just happen to be the recipient.  &lt;em&gt;Politeness is not her motive.&lt;/em&gt;  She openly describes you as a &quot;class enemy&quot; for crying out loud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are holding back out of (a) respect for your mother and the peace of her home, and (b) a mistaken belief that you two are on the same side.  For (b), &lt;strong&gt;something tells me that you both subscribe to something you call feminism but are actually very different concepts&lt;/strong&gt;.  For (a), you might ask your mother if she really enjoys these political rants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have two options.  Either leave whenever she goes off on a rant, or go against your mother's advice and shut these conversations down tersely.  Tell her that you have heard her opinions, have understood them, and don't need another retelling. &#xA; If she persists, remind her that you are the class enemy, and she shouldn't give away valuable intel that you can use against her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Update:  It occurs to me that by the end of the last paragraph we're kind of ... past diplomatic.  It happens, betimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="6468" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T20:31:35.643" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T20:31:35.643" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4815" CreationDate="2017-10-02T21:07:13.067" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I too am not fond of discussing money owed from a friend.  Either way, I tend to think that it will strain the relationship; also, I don't like money — but I do like coins.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Anyway, not pertinent …&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to avoid giving this new person the impression that you are a miser or ‘harda$$’ when it comes to money, yes?  That's the biggest concern for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't get involved in discussing any loanships with this person.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;E.g. “If you are strapped for cash at the moment, I can cover you this month.”&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Not only does it not resolve the problem:  either you'll need to discuss repayment later, or this person — if they are of a more honorable nature — will have your benefactorship weigh over any future interactions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want a matter–of–fact attitude regarding this.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It isn't silly thing to which you do not expect a serious reply, nor is it something which requires an ultimatum.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, it isn't you or the others who require the payment:  it is the utility companies.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Well, unless of course they overdraw the account.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell the person exactly that:  The system which you established has failed, and places any one of those sharing the accommodations at the risk of financial penalty if any other one of them forgets to balance the account.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Although you are solely obligated so far as concerns the utilities, you did so only for their own requirements.  Although you probably did not write a legal document formalizing your position as a proxy, that's what you are:  every one of the roommates is obligated to contribute their part.  You are merely collecting on behalf of the communal obligation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask to hold a meeting with the roommates so that the group can devise a system which would help ensure that no one, or the group as a whole, suffers from the mistakes of any one of them.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The purposes of this are twofold:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;By recognizing the problem as one which affects every member of the group from a possible accident by any member of the group, you transfer the focus off the single person whose mistake instigated it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Yes, they aren't fools, and they'll know why it happened.  However, you aren't blaming &lt;em&gt;M&lt;/em&gt;, but yourself.  Actually, it was &lt;em&gt;M&lt;/em&gt; who discovered the glitch in your system; good on them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It becomes a question of ‘How do we tackle this problem together?’ and not ‘What's to be done with &lt;em&gt;M&lt;/em&gt;?’&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend a sheet posted somewhere visible and near the foyer or inside of the door.  There the roommates can write:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the date when each roommate makes a payment to the account, and how much they make each time —&lt;br&gt;&#xA;— the &lt;strong&gt;how much&lt;/strong&gt; is necessary, and not accusative:  If the liabilities are equally divided for each member of the house, regardless of their specific usage with the services, then the sum total for each member should be the same here.  Sometimes you can't pay the full amount in one transaction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the estimated total for each utility, and the sum for those&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I.e. what the account needs to be balanced for your payment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the date when the payment to the companies is required&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Whether you detail the late fees and overdue periods depends on whether you guys are living on the poverty line or are simply careless with your finances.  Otherwise, emergencies can happen, but they should be infrequent.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T21:07:13.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T22:31:58.167" Score="34" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jane D: you men are all alike. A man can never help a woman. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All, never, always, are absolute universal quantifiers according to &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/B009UW5X4C&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;David Burns M.D.&lt;/a&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're thought distortions. If she thinks this way to herself, no wonder, she feels the way she feels.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't respond to that argument, get some big headphones, wear them and listen to music/podcasts, or use the fog and broken record method from &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/B006U1JDWY&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Manuel J. Smith&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or when Jane comes to dinner, offer your mom to cook dinner, serve dinner, clear the dishes, and wash the dishes for that night. This will keep you busy and will minimize the amount of time you have to spend listening to her. And if you have a cook/maid, you can always give that person the paid night off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she still upsets your mother, there is really nothing else you can do about that. Your mother makes her own decisions about who she talks to. But I suspect that if you don't let Jane upset you, your mother won't be nearly as upset by her either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T19:57:52.263" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T19:57:52.263" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-02T22:46:30.307" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you really want to be diplomatic, you could of course concede some of her points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;you men have been keeping women down forever! Again and again I see&#xA;  this. You men have the steering wheel of this whole society! Is it&#xA;  your divine right or what? You have no right to say what women should&#xA;  do in this country. Etc etc etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You choose to say, &quot;don't include me. I completely agree with you.&quot; Except that you don't completely agree with her: you disagree with her as to whether or not you have any role at all in the steering of society and the keeping down of woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; have said, but chose not to say, &quot;you're right, as a man in this society I literally have no ability to unilaterally surrender all the power and other privileges that are unjustly handed to me, and what is more I'm certain that at times I have been culpable in abusing it. I completely agree with you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, the position you're taking (&quot;I am a sociologist myself and not at all a representative of patriarchal society&quot;), whether defensible or not and no matter how alarmed you are when she refuses to accept it, is not the most diplomatic possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, (a) this still may well not satisfy her that you are in agreement with her points; (b) it won't stop the accusation you dislike, at best it will move past it; and (c) under normal circumstances you would be under no obligation to agree with her points, if in fact you think them incorrect. But since you're constrained to be diplomatic, &lt;em&gt;actually agreeing with her instead of saying you do while disagreeing&lt;/em&gt; might be be worth a try once! The one saving grace is that, there will be no real onus placed on you by agreeing with her, since she's already said that she expects and wants no actual support from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1615" LastEditorUserId="1615" LastEditDate="2017-10-02T22:55:05.363" LastActivityDate="2017-10-02T22:55:05.363" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4776" CreationDate="2017-10-03T00:10:01.517" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Permit yourself to slow down.  Like OldPadawan, I would reference Sun-Tzu's arguments for not fighting until you know you can win.  However, I take a different spin on it, based on how I approached life.  I was someone who &quot;had to be right,&quot; and it has taken a while to overcome that (and/or I'm still trying to overcome it, depending on who you talk to ;-)  )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please forgive this for being a little rambling.  The whole idea could get boiled down into three concepts (&quot;strive to not lose,&quot; &quot;move to the better position,&quot; and &quot;play the long game&quot;), but it's not easy to guess how you would respond to each of them, so I've expounded a bit on each of them.  It's a much easier topic to converse about, rather than using a StackExchange Q&amp;amp;A pattern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first key I have found is to decouple &quot;me winning&quot; from &quot;you losing.&quot;  In a combative situation, we have a tendency to try to make the other guy lose, and then we feel we win by default.  Of course, as you have noticed, this has the result of you expending great effort to cause someone else to lose, and only then realizing that you got less out of your win than you put into the fight.  Your real goal is to win at life (and no, I won't tell you how to win at life).  Whether they win or lose can be rather unimportant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you're comfortable with the idea of trying for &quot;me winning&quot; rather than trying for &quot;you losing,&quot; the next step is more subtle.  Instead of going for &quot;me winning,&quot; go for &quot;me not losing.&quot;  At first pass, those seem the same, but then you start to consider the more nuanced sides of it.  In a boxing fight, often one goes for &quot;not losing&quot; in the first few rounds because one feels they have the stamina to outlast their opponent, and then go for the &quot;win&quot; later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The version I was taught in my martial arts was to &quot;move to a more advantageous position.&quot;  Rather than trying to win right away, merely move to a position where you can win with less effort later, using your opponent's own energy.  It's not easy.  In fact, I think it's the hardest thing I know of to do.  But it's terribly useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you get used to it, you realize two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't &lt;strong&gt;have&lt;/strong&gt; to let go of any argument.  If you're only trying to not lose, then you can let any number of arguments just sit there, until you decide that one of the arguments is important enough to go after and try to win.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; let go of any argument you please.  If you ever decide that dropping an argument is winning for yourself, then just drop it!  Let your opponent &quot;win,&quot; because you won something bigger.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The secret to this approach is time.  You don't have to commit to winning the argument right away.  You can stand back and take your time to decide if this is an argument worth committing to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;One approach I have taken for this is to play devil's advocate for practice.&lt;/strong&gt;  I have found a few groups who are willing to entertain me playing the devil's advocate for positions that nobody else would ever touch with a 10 foot pole.  Do it politely.  Polite argument is a great skill to learn in general, but it's utterly essential when you're arguing why the Holocaust was a good thing (and the only reason you're arguing that was because someone was making the far more reasonable argument that the Holocaust was a very bad thing, and you took the opposing viewpoint).  If you're arguing a position that you, yourself, don't even agree with, you better be DANG polite while you do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is great practice for many reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You should lose the argument most of the time.  When most people agree on a position (such as with any argument involving Nazis), there's usually a pretty good reason why everyone agrees on it, even if the particular person you're debating with don't have the skill to argue it.  Since this isn't your personal pet topic to debate, you are in a position to practice letting the argument go, and trying for &quot;happy.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are playing a long game, trying to be happy in the long run.  My position as a devil's advocate depends &lt;em&gt;heavily&lt;/em&gt; on my reputation for putting together well mannered arguments.  When you're willing to argue the pros of slavery, racism, government surveillance, or any other one of a number of trigger issues for people, you have to develop a reputation for making your interaction worthwhile.  This long game approach gives you many more opportunities to define a rich and robust definition of happiness.  As an example, if someone puts together a particularly good argument, I typically take the time to thank them for their time and effort.  If I personally learn something, I thank them for that.  If they're having trouble poking holes in my argument, I'll hit for both sides, helping them out so that we can keep going.  Whatever it takes to find that greater happiness that's bigger than the argument.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's very good practice at not losing.  So often we strive so hard to &quot;win&quot; that we overcommit and put ourselves in a bad position.  As a devil's advocate, arguing very tenuous positions, its far more important to have the skill to stay afloat.  I find this very important for your particular question.  &lt;strong&gt;When asked &quot;would you rather be happy or right,&quot; this approach suggests a third option: being able to make that decision later.&lt;/strong&gt;  When you're being asked to take a side on whether it should be legal to abort babies inseminated with Hitler's frozen semen, it's &lt;em&gt;really really&lt;/em&gt; nice not to have to truly pick between happy or right until you get to see how the first few back and forths go!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time, you will untrain that &quot;pitbull&quot; approach, but retain all the skills you need in case you ever really want to lock down on something.  Then you become a happy pitbull.  You become one of those pitbulls that people use for the argument that pitbulls are happy loving creatures who want nothing but to make their owners happy.  &lt;strong&gt;Be that kind of pitbull.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/eYAws.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/eYAws.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Pitbull!&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="486" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T00:17:39.560" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T00:17:39.560" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-03T00:29:32.770" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all I wanna say that it is completely normal to make those kinds of remarks (it is a different story if it happens all the time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you have known her for years she has the confidence to express her insecurities/weaknesses in front of you. It is a bit difficult for us humans to share a bit of &quot;self-incriminating&quot; information about ourselves. So we tend to do it in humoristic way (as a coping strategy). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking from personal experience. We just want attention and acknowledgment. Depending on the circumstances (personality type/subject) u can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Comfort her by &quot;attacking&quot; her remarks. Tell her that her boobs are normal. And that she is beautiful. Make it believable! Don't lie. Tell her she has nice lips, eyes, hair, x.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can share your own insecurities with her. To &quot;normalize&quot; her own insecurities. It is completely normal to have some insecurities. (Perfect secure people don't exist!)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can combine 1 and 2 for extra effect!!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just make her feel good and happy. Thats what friends should do. Never ignore those kinds of remarks in an awkward manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And also for you. Don't be shy. If you have any questions about your friend ask them her yourself. You have known her for years. You should be able to ask and talk about everything with friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6692" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T01:16:43.053" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T01:16:43.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2017-10-03T01:06:16.010" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you agree with her comment, some responses in agreement are proposed, such as, &quot;Ha!&quot;, &quot;Haha!&quot;, &quot;No kidding!&quot;, &quot;I guess that's true...&quot;, &quot;Well, yes. But ...&quot; (fill the space with some self-deprecating comments of your own or some positive comments about her), or simply say nothing and give her a hug.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More seriously though, if you are in a situation where a comment leaves you and other listeners speechless, you can hardly rely on some talking points proposed in a forum to come to mind when you need it. You could practice them of course, as if you were some telemarketing agent who was programmed to respond in predetermined ways - but that doesn't seem like the right way to speak to a friend. You might instead just continue along the thread, saying something honest in the moment. Or, honestly express how difficult it is to respond to her comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, awkward silences like this one are caused, you might say, by an incapability of the listener to give a response that she can expect will maintain some pretense or will cause an intended effect. So one easy answer to this situation is simply to remove pretenses or release control of the conversation by actually saying what is on your mind right then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6693" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T01:06:16.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-03T03:02:41.597" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't need to read (all) the thoughtful answers of the above to see that Jane D. has, or is of an emotional nature. That is &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; problem and not yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if it is only 15% of the time, in that percent and much more she cannot tolerate you, your help, your consideration or your apologies. She cannot tolerate you. That is, when she is in the mood. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ranting about politics is just another outlet for what is called &quot;Free floating hostility&quot;. That is, nursing a perennial subject that the sufferer, or &quot;addict&quot; takes their time to enjoy expounding upon for whatever audience is or is not present. It is merely recreation for her. If time is not pressing and she is in the mood then she can start expounding. It means less than nothing. Proof being that nothing she offers is up for debate or discussion. Only she can be right. All other ideas are tainted and thus invalid. She is picking a fight. The only winning move is to leave her alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once she has finished I'm sure she does not rush to update anyone else with her newfound insights or write them down for the newsletter. She is just retracing beloved ground for the pleasure of hearing someone say it. Not an immoral act but not one for all and sundry company, and certainly not for your bewildered mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite the thoughtful advice above any attempt to break her rhythm only convinces her that you are disputing her insight or vision, as such you are not a true believer, you are unmutual or whatever names they are throwing around these days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not plan to be her sounding board ever again, for any time. If only for your mother's peace of mind you should turn her away. The next time she starts in on you I would say as loudly as possible; &quot;I've had enough of you! Leave me alone!&quot; followed by &quot;Leave me alone!&quot; anytime she comes back. That would be her cue to leave with opinions flying but leave she must. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; change her behavior and even if she was right in all things you can never help her get it straight. She hasn't the tools to do anything but complain to and about people. You don't want to be one of them  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T03:02:41.597" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-03T04:04:55.357" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Jane has serious issues that are not yours to solve. They are also not yours to endure, and you have no obligation to do so. When she starts one of her rants, stop her with a clear announcement that you have no intention to listen to it, or contribute to it. This can be friendly (e.g. &quot;Jane, we've had this talk before, let's not do it again.&quot;), stern (e.g. &quot;Jane, I'm not interested to discuss this.&quot; plus switch to other topic immediately) or if she still doesn't get it, in-your-face-clear (e.g. &quot;Jane, I won't listen or discuss to this topic, we've been over it, come find me when you're finished and we can discuss other things.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared that she has some prepared or instantly-cooked-up nonsense up her sleeves about how your answer was patriarchal oppression through male-dominated verbal expression or whatever. Ignore it, and stand your ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also be prepared for the usual &quot;why?&quot; interrogation that people often use in this situation. By asking &quot;why&quot; they eventually drag you back into the exact same discussion that you clearly announced you wanted to avoid. Prepare a simple, complete answer and stick to it. Maybe &quot;we've had this discussion before and it leads nowhere&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="3375" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T08:39:00.430" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T08:39:00.430" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4869" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1700" CreationDate="2017-10-03T04:18:46.140" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am from the USA.  During 2008, I spent maybe a total of 18 hours in Malaysia over 4 days.  During my time there, I mostly visited the Berjaya Times Square shopping centre and other locales nearby.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I have no exemplary tales of my experience there; so, I will summarize:  I got the sense that it was rather cosmopolitan; it seemed to me like New York City but with a somewhat different ethnic hue.  Different, but superficially.  That could be a result of the fact that people are people, and that cultural differences are thinner than the kernels of personality, but more likely it means that I simply was not exposed to enough there to notice the nuances.  Small differences can have magnified effects.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The Chinese heritage was especially evident in the places I visited.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The protocols I recommend, therefore, are generalized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was an &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uniformed_services_pay_grades_of_the_United_States#Enlisted_pay_grades&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; &gt;E5&lt;/a&gt; during the final third of my time in the United States Navy.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When dealing with those higher in the chain of command, whether in mine or another — chief petty officers, the few warrant officers, or even the CO and the XO, I was never intimidated by their position of command or by their achievements.  I wasn't disobedient nor flippant, but I respected leadership and the way they handled things about them, and not their collar devices or shoulder patch.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Oh, I also once talked with the &lt;a href=&quot;https://wikipedia.org/wiki/Master_Chief_Petty_Officer_of_the_Navy&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; &gt;MCPON&lt;/a&gt;, and quite casually.  I almost forgot that one; while I was studying in the compartment where my department held much of their out–of–plant training and turn–overs, she asked me some question and I answered her — I don't remember exactly how it went.  I was courteous, but no more so than I'd be to anyone else, and certainly not servile or nervous.  She seemed to be pleased enough with my helpfulness — I think she was asking for directions to someone's desk.  Probably nothing like your situation, actually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enough with me.  So, from your response to my comment, it seems to me that your concern is one of unequal footing:  you believe that you have nothing to show a person like the local chief of police with which to gain their attentions or approval.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let us say that it doesn't matter what you've accomplished in your lifetime.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Why?  Because you are interested in opening a dialogue with someone else.  As you are the one initiating the conversation, why don't you ask some amiable questions on the sorts of things that other person has done?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Examples&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;any stories he would be willing to share&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Depending on whether he sees you as a junior or as a peer, you can proceed on this one with either a eager tact or a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/chummy#Adjective&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; &gt;chummy&lt;/a&gt; one.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;For you, it would be the ‘eager’ one.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Probably not yet the best time to ask concerning the ones that escaped, or for whether he has any arch nemeses — save those for later, if at all, — but you can ask for some of his most thrilling or most comical stories.  Even if you come off as seeming naïve, he will probably not mind the attention.  If he does:  oh, well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;begin talking on subjects in which he is likely to share some interest&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Do not talk about things which do not interest you — it reeks of dishonesty, and it seems like you are not attempting to gain his favor.  It is one thing to entertain a topic which another person enjoys simply to foster the social environment; feigning interest and knowledge is usually not advisable.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You can begin asking him outright whether he &lt;em&gt;likes&lt;/em&gt; certain things, but hesitate to ask the more open &lt;em&gt;‘What do you like?’&lt;/em&gt;  Moving along …&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tell him of your pertinent aspirations&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This one is probably the real cincher.  Yes, gaining or attempting to gain a rapport with someone in his position is probably socially beneficial to you, but unless his experiences, advices, or favor are useful to you, it probably does not matter all that much.  Do you want to pursue the life of a police officer, or not?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If he sees you as enough of a junior, he probably &lt;strong&gt;does not expect&lt;/strong&gt; you to have so many achievements as he.  Even if you are in your thirties, that doesn't mean that you are solidly on a career for the remainder of your life.  Indeed, you could begin the conversation like that — of course, keep in mind that he might ask you the sorts of things you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; done by way of seeking to assure you that you've achieved some things, even if not your hopes to becoming a police officer.  If you are not comfortable going down that path in the conversation, then maybe don't bring it up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tell him your thoughts on some of his more notable achievements or accomplishments, or similar words and deeds&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you pursue this route, you want to be candid but not presumptuous:  do not be too certain that you know best, but phrase your comments as befits your certainty in their veracity.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If this is the sort of thing that would be viable, then you would not need me to mention it:  you would be kicking yourself for being too nervous to either bring it up or even think of it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I would give a word of warning:  if he is not the sort of person who receives criticism well, then he might tend to veer away from you and any chance of such conversation — whether or not you are actually venturing comments on things which you think he should have done or not done,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastEditorUserId="469" LastEditDate="2017-10-07T01:26:05.580" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T01:26:05.580" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4872" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4874" CreationDate="2017-10-03T07:58:35.090" Score="64" ViewCount="16169" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, I'm not sneaking up on people on purpose. But it seems, that I'm quite Ninja-like in my movements and this has caused problems. People are immersed in something (e. g. computer, TV, music etc.) and I want to interact with them in some way, but whatever I do, it frightens them terribly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One sample situation is my visit to aunt &amp;quot;Alice&amp;quot;. She is about 60 years old and sits in the living room, reading a good book. I need to ask her something. In order to reach her, I even have to walk down old stairs and hope that I make enough noise. But I don't. So finally I stand in the living room (Alice is facing away from the door) right behind her. She has absolutely no idea of my presence. *What shall I do now?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I pat her on the shoulder or say something or walk into her line of sight, I scare the living daylights out of her. But I don't want to. Is there even a way out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure that it is always entirely my fault, e. g. when someone is listening to music wearing headhones (also already encountered). I'm not trying hard to move silently and stamping can also become annoying. So far, I have found no way out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I announce my presence to someone who is not aware of it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal is to establish communication without frightening them too much.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for verbal or non-verbal cues and strategies. The starting point is the moment I stand behind them (but not necessarily, if you have a totally different idea), since only then do I know that they are not aware of my presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T17:07:19.573" Title="How do I announce my presence to someone who is not aware of it without frightening them?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4872" CreationDate="2017-10-03T08:04:52.723" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have a wall near enough, you can always knock on it. It also works with other stuff, like a table. I never tried with floors, but maybe it also works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I wrote is based on my own experience, and for me knocking on the wall or on some nearby furniture works better than saying something or making an *ahem * noise behind the person. For example, I got used to knock on the wall to let my bachelor thesis tutor know I wanted something, because acknowledging my presence verbally used to scare him a lot. In the rare cases someone did this to me (knocking instead of talking), I just noticed his presence without being frightened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been searching for an explanation on why knocking works better than speaking or calling, but I found none. My guess is that this works in part because on how the sound is transmitted via something solid instead through air, and it becomes in part something felt. Maybe in part also because of how sound behaves, but it is just a guess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T22:48:28.133" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T22:48:28.133" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4874" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4872" CreationDate="2017-10-03T08:08:11.350" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;Right off the bat, I see some possibilities. I have some experience in this because I still live with my parents and when I am gaming with my headset I just don't hear them and since I'm focused on what I'm doing I don't notice them either, just like your example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick commonly used is to flash the room's lights, when applicable, while calling for the person at the same time. Although, they sometimes scare me by coming close to me at night when I have all lights off and slam my desk while calling for me. That's a no-go :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see that's too much for Alice or that she can hear you clearly (no sound impairing environment like the headphones' problem), you knock on the living room's door before reaching up to her, this way she does not get scared by an unexpected close voice or person. A material sound, if not too harsh, does not scare a person like sneaking up on somebody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6520" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T08:50:18.120" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T08:50:18.120" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4875" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4872" CreationDate="2017-10-03T09:18:08.853" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Headphones are tricky, so I will tackle the non-headphones bit first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am often told that I could easily be a master assassin in my sleepers. I have scared everyone in my household multiple times. So what I usually do, when I know that someone might be distracted and need to get their attention is call their name from the other room as I walk in. This might be perceived as rude by some so it's not a 100% solution. Otherwise, knocking on the door or the door's frame is a good way to get their.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the headphones bit is hard. When I try to approach someone with headphones, I try first talking loudly. In a work environment for example, approaching someone with headphones on from the front (getting into their line of view) or messaging them (through skype for example) are ways to solve this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T09:18:08.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-03T09:35:20.750" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no political issue here. Jane D's personality is fundamentally driven by a 'hysteria,' to seek out conflict with men in order to justify what she already believes to be true. She is looking for conflict, looking for animosity, and deep down expecting it. This type of person wants and needs negative relationships with men. Her problem is herself, and while it's a cliché, she needs to rearrange herself, not the world. If she was seriously committed to societal and political improvement, phrases like &quot;you men&quot; would be out of her vocabulary, and the scientist in her would be cringing at her confirmation bias.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is definitely an interpersonal issue. My approach would be to tell her outright that she is selfishly obsessed with her own emotional/pseudo-political agenda and that the constant ranting is upsetting both you and your mum. If she fails to show some respect and consideration, tell both your mum and Jane D that you don't want her around until she's done some growing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6092" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T09:35:20.750" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4815" CreationDate="2017-10-03T09:42:22.273" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If money is not an issue, so you have no trouble from him delaying the payment, I'd approach him (when no one else can hear) and tell him, with a smile, &quot;Hey, fraudster, give me my money!&quot; (Note: not an english mother-tongue, so maybe fraudster is not the right word here; just put any word which can jokingly address someone who does not pay), then tell him that you noticed the first payment is missing. Always like it is a joke. If he starts feeling embarassed, tell him it is not a big issue, and that when he is ok he can make the payment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you will make him feel this is not something that ruins the mood, but will make him remember to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5777" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T09:42:22.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4879" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:07:08.813" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Neighbours are the people who live close-by your residence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you live in an apartment building, you can consider as neighbours people that live on: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the same floor as you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the floors above and bellow you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;even the whole building, if it's a small one (e.g. 4 story building)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you live in a house, you can consider as neighbours people that live:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;around your house&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;in front of your house&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;on your lane&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples of neighbour related situations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Having a certain problematic neighbour&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Community issues&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Courtesy/etiquette between neighbours&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Renovating shared space&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:39:35.677" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:39:35.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4880" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:07:08.813" Score="0" Body="For questions that involve interacting with neighbours, people that live close-by your residence." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:30:47.273" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:30:47.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4881" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:21:14.627" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Regions that Southern Europe includes, according to &lt;a href=&quot;https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_Europe&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Portugal&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Spain&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Andorra&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gibraltar&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Corsica&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Monaco&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Italy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Vatican City&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;San Marino&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;European part of Turkey&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cyprus&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Greece&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Malta&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:39:29.860" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:39:29.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4882" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:21:14.627" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Southern Europe or their culture." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:38:54.173" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:38:54.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4883" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:22:51.503" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:22:51.503" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:22:51.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4884" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:22:51.503" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Thailand or Thai culture." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:33:17.587" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:33:17.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4885" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:24:24.867" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:24:24.867" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:24:24.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4886" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:24:24.867" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Central Java, Yogyakarta, East Java or Javanese culture." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:39:01.177" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:39:01.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4887" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:26:04.783" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:26:04.783" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:26:04.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4888" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:26:04.783" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Kazakhstan or Kazakh culture." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:31:40.730" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:31:40.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4889" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:26:44.550" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:26:44.550" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:26:44.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4890" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:26:44.550" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Turkey or Turkish culture." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:33:22.233" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:33:22.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4891" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:28:20.173" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:28:20.173" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:28:20.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4892" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:28:20.173" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Denmark or Danish culture." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:31:26.833" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:31:26.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4872" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:31:10.537" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is pretty traditional in this circumstance to affect a small cough or clearing of the throat. (Usually written as &quot;ahem&quot;.) This &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; cause the person to jump, but probably less so than suddenly touching them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, try &quot;Excuse me — sorry to interrupt.&quot; Again, they might be a bit startled, but you've already apologized. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're coming into a room with an open door, and the occupant doesn't notice you, you could still knock lightly on the door or doorframe and wait to enter. This too might cause a small start, but you've acted politely and within social norms. Follow up with &quot;sorry to startle you&quot;, if necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is all completely normal; I think going much beyond this is over-thinking and over-complicating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="493" LastEditorUserId="493" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T13:42:50.170" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T13:42:50.170" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4895" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:50:47.070" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:50:47.070" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:50:47.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4896" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T10:50:47.070" Score="0" Body="Used in situations where someone's motives, actions or words have either been wrongly interpreted or they haven't been properly conveyed." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T10:59:25.840" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T10:59:25.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4898" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:30:02.237" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T11:30:02.237" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T11:30:02.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4899" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:30:02.237" Score="0" Body="For situations dealing with information that people may hesitate to talk about casually or that's part of their private life." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:07:32.640" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:07:32.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4900" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:34:44.803" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talking on the phone is an extremely common form of communication. It presents unique challenges in that many of the auditory conversation cues are still available, but the visual cues are missing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-24T19:58:40.047" LastActivityDate="2019-05-24T19:58:40.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4901" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:34:44.803" Score="0" Body="For questions that involve talking on the phone with someone." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:11:41.300" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:11:41.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4902" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:41:48.007" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T11:41:48.007" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T11:41:48.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4903" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:41:48.007" Score="0" Body="Situations where the end goal is to gain someone's friendship or to strengthen it." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:11:47.833" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:11:47.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4904" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:48:33.063" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T11:48:33.063" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T11:48:33.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4905" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:48:33.063" Score="0" Body="For situations that concern married partners: interactions between the couple or external factors that affect their relationship." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:35:18.017" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:35:18.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4906" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:52:46.037" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T11:52:46.037" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T11:52:46.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4907" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:52:46.037" Score="0" Body="For situations in which at least two of the involved parties come from different cultural backgrounds." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:22:36.540" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:22:36.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4815" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:55:59.617" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was in a similar role of managing the apartment's finances, I often sent a reminder a week ahead of time outlining exactly what is due from each person in the house. It also included other housekeeping issues like things that are broken or when the fridge would be cleared out. I made it entertaining/funny so that my roommates would be more inclined to read it. There were no late payments at all and it was all of our first years living on our own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6709" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T11:55:59.617" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4909" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:56:27.137" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T11:56:27.137" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T11:56:27.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4910" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T11:56:27.137" Score="0" Body="Used when the separation of two married partners is affecting the situation in question." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:35:09.403" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:35:09.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4911" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T12:07:02.390" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Politics&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Politics&lt;/a&gt; refers to making decisions that apply to members of a group. Often times these decisions are made in a context of a community called a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/State_(polity)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;state&lt;/a&gt;. This tends to be a controversial subject between people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11821" LastEditorUserId="11821" LastEditDate="2018-03-04T23:50:14.523" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T23:50:14.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4912" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T12:07:02.390" Score="0" Body="For situations where the interaction revolves around the country's administration, ruling parties, or citizen rights. " OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:22:27.357" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:22:27.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4913" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T12:12:40.940" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:12:40.940" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:12:40.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4914" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T12:12:40.940" Score="0" Body="Questions that involve public seats intended for the elderly/people with a physical disability/pregnant women." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:35:14.903" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:35:14.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4915" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-03T12:20:28.217" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:20:28.217" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:20:28.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4916" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-03T12:20:28.217" Score="0" Body="For questions that involve either refusing a romantic relationship with someone or being the one that got refused." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T12:35:06.313" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T12:35:06.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-03T14:13:00.873" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;What Mama don't know won't hurt her.  Ask Jane nicely to stop.  If she doesn't, Mama will have to tell her, unless you own the property.  If it continues and your mother does not put a stop to it, either by request or warrant, then there is little you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you cannot do anything, then simply do not respond to her.  Jane will get tired of talking about it eventually.  Server her incredibly spicy, hot Indian food or sweet, or whatever Jane does not like.  If you aren't going to be forward about telling Jane to stop, then you have to be creative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could tell Jane, &quot;Hey, come in crazy lady, evil man here, ready to be taught.&quot;  She'll stop eventually, unless she is mental.  But if Mama keeps letting her in, well, Mama is literally inviting heartache.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2906" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T14:13:00.873" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4918" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4921" CreationDate="2017-10-03T14:24:44.397" Score="24" ViewCount="9393" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this co-worker, and since the day I met him, he has been great. He taught me many things and we've had a very friendly relationship. Now my goal here is not to ruin it, but since he is no longer my team lead and I am now on a different team, he tends to use my name to push his changes forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Scenario&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our company we have a procedure to push code to production. The programmer submits an official form to the QA team where they sign it, the Team Lead signs it and then a Manager signs it. This is all great when I am the programmer and I am doing the work. As of late, since I am no longer on his team, the work has fallen on to him and he has done it, but to push his changes through, he keeps using my name as the programmer. I understand why he does it as it makes things a lot faster for him as he then doesn't need to get the director's approval, only the manager's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case it bothers me as I get emails and messages when something goes wrong and I have no idea something was even submitted. Then I'm forced to lie and say speak to this other guy, he worked on that part of the problem. I want to tell him to stop but I honestly don't know how to do it without making a big deal out of it or offending him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a very social person and I often say what I mean in wrong tones and I don't want to do that this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Further Details&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The level of offense in this company could be high if there was a problem, however while there are no problems, honestly nobody cares. They would care if let's say our company lost a million bucks over a code change that starts with my name. Then I would be in some serious trouble proving I had nothing to do with it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Its not a question of whether my name is tagged with the form, the way my name gets used is as if I personally requested that change and he approved it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not trying to get advice in advancing my career, more like not losing a friend so I believe this question belongs here.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He sits next to me, literally less than a meter away.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6024" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T22:17:59.587" Title="How can I ask my colleague to stop exploiting my name on projects I am not working on?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-10-03T14:27:25.597" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I calm myself down as I'm speaking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I shook like crazy in my first speech in junior high and quickly became the butt of all my classmates jokes.  It sucked bad.  I learned 2 ways to deal with this, which are &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; easy, but highly effective:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do something worse on a regular basis.  What can you imagine doing publicly that would be worse than public speaking?  Do it.  This is a brain hack that creates a standard of comparison - you'll worry less about the public speaking because daily you'll be doing something even harder.  Remember, your brain only has so much energy to worry; if you've blown all your adrenaline out on another fear, you won't have much left when speaking publicly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Train.  We only rise to the level of our training; that's it.  If you rarely speak publicly, you'll be incredibly nervous.  Do it as often as you can and watch how it begins to feel normal.  Toastmasters is a great suggestion.  Try to be the person who answers every question publicly (like in church, school, etc).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T14:27:25.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4920" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-03T14:46:17.153" Score="16" ViewCount="3503" Body="&lt;p&gt;A little background, I had online interaction a lot and never made real-life friends as I was shy and didn't know how to interact and how to start a conversation. Even now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am about to make a person understand who does't want to listen to me or tries to resist what I want to say or if I have to make a call/move, I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. Having said that, I am in my early 30's and It has been there since forever. How can I control myself so I can better control my speech and not get fired up because I cannot speak if my heart is pounding too hard. &#xA;Even while someone jokes with me about &quot;you will make the announcement&quot;, my heart is pounding too loud and my hands become shaky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Question is How Can I control my emotions while speaking public/someone arguing with me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4551" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T15:45:47.167" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T09:16:19.840" Title="How do I control my emotions when someone disagrees or is a layman" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-10-04T09:48:44.953" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4918" CreationDate="2017-10-03T14:46:37.360" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;The main question to be answered here is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How illegal/wrong is it to use your name to push my code through for approval?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Different companies have different policies and rules when it comes to things like this. This is, in my opinion, something you could get fired over. The company I worked for (in India) almost fired two people for not changing the comment on top of the code. We used to add comments on top of the code with edit history and explanation to the edits made. If you change some code and not mention it in the top, you could get into a lot of trouble. If you change something and mention someone else's name, you could actually get fired for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how serious is it to your company and how does that affect your approach?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are a few ways you can respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you get an email when something goes wrong, you could reply to that email, adding your coworker to the CC section, and say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I apologize, but I do not recollect making any changes to this code. [Co-worker's name], do you know who made this change?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you're playing it safe. You're letting the co-worker decide whether he wants to say he did it or not. If he chooses not to, that is fine. The supervisors know that you didn't mess anything up, but someone else is and not owning up to it. It is up to them to investigate. As far as you know, you are not in the knowledge of someone using your name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could forward all the emails you get when something goes wrong to your co-worker with something like this in the body:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dude, you're trying to get me fired! LOL. There are some problems with your code, could you respond to this email and let them know you're working on it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This immediately won't reap any benefits. But what it will definitely achieve is, your co-worker realizes that you think this is going to get you into trouble. After a few times of you sending an email like that, he will stop. Because, you are letting him know that you DEFINITELY know when he uses your name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason for that &amp;quot;LOL&amp;quot; is to make it seem on the lighter side. And the reason for forwarding this email to your co-worker and letting him deal with it is, the person who originally sent you the email notices that you have not been responding to any of those emails when you claim responsibility for it. When your co-worker keeps replying to those emails, they will start to notice that he takes responsibility for &amp;quot;Your&amp;quot; mistake in the code; hence, putting the co-worker at risk of getting caught for &amp;quot;proxying&amp;quot; your name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be completely straightforward. The next time you meet this co-worker (do not try to set a meeting up just to talk about this, that will look like you're escalating it more than it needs to), just casually bring up a conversation about how you've been getting emails for some flaws in his code. Just let him know that there are problems with his latest deployment and that he might want to contact the concerned party to get it fixed. And end this discussion with something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I am not in the same department as you. So you may want to stop using my name because if they find out that you've been using my name, you might get fired. It was different when we were on the same team but now there is no logical explanation behind why I would have written the code for a project I am not even in. So, it is definitely going to come up and if it does, trust me! I don't like you that much to get fired for you! Hahaha..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it casual and joke about it. Don't make it seem like a big deal. But instead of you having to worry about this, make him worry about. It is his problem after all. As long as you've let him know that it is not OK, the company cannot do anything to you for him continuing to use it (depending upon the location of this company).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T14:46:37.360" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4918" CreationDate="2017-10-03T14:57:39.207" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;The most important thing here is to try and not accuse the coworker of a misdeed (even though what they are doing is a little fraud-y). If possible imply that the use of your name was an honest mistake (when Boss asks) i.e.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I'm not on that project anymore, he must've forgotten to remove my name from the list of reviewers&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Similarly you could use this approach with the coworker more directly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh hi, looks like my name accidentally ended up in your review, could you please remove it, the boss was asking me about changes and I had no idea what he was talking about&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you're asking for your name to be removed in a non-accusatory non-confrontational manner, while still letting the coworker know that people are noticing and that you are not going to cover for them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;P.S.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Do not lie on your coworker's behalf, the review processes are established to prevent bugs that could cost company money or cause security breaches if applicable, so &lt;em&gt;deliberately&lt;/em&gt; subverting that process can be seen as a &lt;em&gt;very bad thing&lt;/em&gt; by the company. And you can't even begin to pretend that lying was somehow accidental or an honest mistake, so don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="2002" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T14:46:34.123" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T14:46:34.123" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4804" CreationDate="2017-10-03T15:01:03.917" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you are missing an important responsibility as a dog owner, and as a member of a community; while your interaction with these children should be polite, it is more important to teach them basic safety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to be both polite and teach basic safety? The best way to do this is to teach them, and their parents, to engage in basic dialog.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Local children should be asking two questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Does this dog bite?&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the dog owner says yes, the child will stay with the parent. The second question should be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Can I pet your dog?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is this: when you engage in dialog, and a child is asking permission to do something, there is an idea that the answer can be either &quot;yes&quot; or &quot;no&quot;. Children are very accustomed to being told directly and clearly &quot;no, you cannot do something.&quot; In fact, in my experience children under age 8 really must be told clearly what the boundaries are - and saying &quot;no, not right now&quot; and saying it clearly is very important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a child is not asking you questions of this nature, then you have a IPS responsibility to stop them from interacting with your dog and teach them (and their parents) that they should engage in this dialog with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In summary&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the children are not asking these two questions, you should explain to them that they should always ask these questions if they don't want to be bitten. This is a responsibility of parents, but also of people who have dogs in public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the children are asking these questions, tell them that they can pet the dogs and the dogs would enjoy being petted, but the kids must wait until the dogs are done working. Tell them clearly without ambiguity. If they are asking this question, they will understand that a &quot;no&quot; answer is possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6067" LastEditorUserId="6067" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T15:33:43.337" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T15:33:43.337" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4920" CreationDate="2017-10-03T15:10:39.887" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; This is from personal experience from the last 15 years and especially in the argument having context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to be really fired up in these talks. Shaking hands, pounding heart, etc.&#xA;This sucked because I had the feeling my side of the conversation was totally irrelevant because I looked like a shaking pigeon. And it could only escalate after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't remember having the problems in the latest years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are some tips I kept repeating myself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Keep asking yourself: why am I having this argument/discussion? I&#xA;stopped having arguments just for the sake of arguing. If a&#xA;discussion does not have a clear goal in mind to focus on, move on.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's OK being wrong! This is for the other but also for yourself.&#xA;Being wrong doesn't make you a bad person. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Notice when an argument is being derailed. Set up boundaries where&#xA;your debate is being hold in. Anything beyond that don't let it&#xA;escalate or get yourself gas-lighted. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't take arguments personally. And when it becomes personal, their&#xA;point becomes moot and the arguments should not hold any weight&#xA;anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't focus too much on yourself (hard one). This makes you more&#xA;anxious and nervous.  What helped for me is breathe and smile and try&#xA;to focus on the subject of the matter not the persons discussing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also the heart pounding, sweating and shaking is just simple adrenaline.&#xA;Taking a good deep breath and flexing every muscle you can feel for about 3 seconds is an excellent way to remove the jitters. That's why sometimes during presentations people squeeze on stuff (pennies, little ball, the mic). And keep breathing, long exhales..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6719" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T16:05:41.527" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T16:05:41.527" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4920" CreationDate="2017-10-03T15:16:21.543" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just some thoughts here ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really, I think you're asking two questions.  The first is about overcoming anxiety over public speaking, to which the answer is, was, and always shall be Toastmasters, &lt;em&gt;Toastmasters&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;Toastmasters!&lt;/strong&gt;  Which is another way of saying practice in a friendly environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second question is how to deal with disagreement without getting emotional.  A few things I can offer which have worked for me...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Anticpate disagreements&lt;/strong&gt; -- in the general sense.  &lt;em&gt;Know&lt;/em&gt; that any time you present an idea there will be pushback.  So don't be surprised.  It could be that your idea/proposal has flaws; it could be you didn't explain it fully or well enough; it could be that people fear change.  But there will be pushback, don't be taken aback.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Anticipate disagreements&lt;/strong&gt; -- in the specific sense.  Before you present, take the devil's advocate view and look at where you think people will object, and be prepared to discuss why these objections can be mitigated.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Understand the disagreements&lt;/strong&gt; -- make sure you understand exactly what your &quot;disagreer&quot; is saying.  I've asked people &quot;Okay, explain to me in small, akaioi-sized words&quot; before.  ;D  If it's a disagreement you have prepared for, all the better.  If it's something you don't have an answer for yet, &lt;em&gt;say so&lt;/em&gt; and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Embrace the disagreements&lt;/strong&gt; -- to my mind, pushback against my ideas is there to make them stronger.  By which I mean my friends/colleagues/whoever will poke holes in my ideas so that I can fix them and remove or at least mitigate the reason for objection.  I &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; this kind of feedback, so that I can end up with a better plan overall.  Remind yourself, &quot;same team here!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T15:16:21.543" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4776" CreationDate="2017-10-03T15:23:36.453" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I learn to let things go? How do I figure out which things to let go?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reflection.  What battles have you won that have really benefited you in the long run?  And if you won those battles, what did those victories teach you?  Did you learn to fight more or less from those victories?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just from the sound of your question, even the &quot;victories&quot; seem to have taught you to fight since you rewarded for those victories.  You sound like the gambler who won a big gamble once and continues to gamble to get that taste of winning again.  The gambler's victory actually causes further problems.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, that your &quot;victories&quot; may have had unintended consequences that you don't realize for others (since we're talking conversational and interpersonal victories).  For a simple example of this, one friend of mine once alienated a guy she had a huge crush on through a verbal victory.  Little did she know, the guy considered her before that event, but not after that.  Given the context, we all knew it was a poor choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, there will be sometimes you do need to stand up (ie: a social bully), which is why reflecting over these moments is important.  We should always hope that we don't get into conflicts though and do everything possible to avoid them unless absolutely necessary.  As an example, if I stand up to a social bully, I don't see it as a victory or feel proud, but rather feel bad that the situation had to result in that.  I'm also reminded in these situations that I want to seek consensus and be kind to others; bullies are awful and they put people in a bad place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T15:23:36.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1099" CreationDate="2017-10-03T15:32:02.697" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short answer ... there just isn't any gender-neutral honorific in the English dialect I speak (roughly US).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I use Sir and Ma'am as I was taught as a sprout, and have never had anyone get upset about it, except for a young lady barista who was aghast that I thought she was old enough to be called Ma'am.  Shades of &quot;Mister Turtle is my &lt;em&gt;father&lt;/em&gt;&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, you'll get pretty far with a mutual assumption of polite respect.  If you &quot;Sir&quot; someone who prefers not to be Sirred, he can let you know how he'd like to be addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note:  Though impractical, I thought @robbg suggestion of calling everyone &quot;comrade&quot; was hilarious.  It would &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; work in my community.  Even if you tried to sneak it in as &quot;tovarisch&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T15:32:02.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4920" CreationDate="2017-10-03T16:08:52.487" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is indeed possible to tackle both (public speech &amp;amp; arguing) at the same time.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It WILL take courage though, and a lot of it too. If it takes it WILL be fun and will get you there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are people that argue as a sport. They are organised in debating societies and they both practice on the home grounds and go out in public and compete.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Competitions are both small/local as well as national and beyond. Any university city may (should!) have one or more (compete!) societies. Most consist of friendly competitors with a focus on having fun and also entertainment and exercising your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you find yourself intrigued, seek out a neighbourhood debating club and check out if the format fits you. If it does, you'll have a platform to break through your barriers in a safe environment, and you can practice your lost/afterwards won/entirely virtual/fearfully anticipated arguments, turn them backwards, inside out, go down against a champion knowing your real life adversary is not one tenth the calibre, see that same champion make fillet of another compatriot in good spirit with everyone listening in the sidelines cheering them on to greater heights,.... and only then armed to the teeth GO for it in your own life. Getting good advice on which fights to pick and which to avoid at the same time. And with a solid analysis of your previous attempts and adversaries as a bonus to make it all even better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Debaters are strong communicative and the debating process can be done on any level. A (wildly inappropriately levelled) link for a bit of background:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Universities_Debating_Championship&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Universities_Debating_Championship&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-10-03T17:50:48.240" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T17:50:48.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4872" CreationDate="2017-10-03T17:44:13.583" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I once had this exact situation with a coworker who would jump out of her skin when I tried to catch her attention in her cubicle, no matter &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; I tried or how gently I tried to do it. (And then she would round on me angrily and accuse &quot;you &lt;em&gt;scared&lt;/em&gt; me!!!!&quot;) After many attempts I finally figured out how to solve the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, you've walked up to the person and have suddenly remembered that she will be startled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Instead of trying to catch her attention just yet, walk away about 15 feet, reach into your pocket, and start jingling your keys continuously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Approach her again while jingling your keys, and very gently say her name.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This time, she won't be startled, and may even turn toward you before you say her name. Something about the sound of the jingling starting far away and approaching seemed to reliably catch her peripheral awareness and prevent her from being startled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastEditorUserId="2568" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T15:46:06.693" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T15:46:06.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4932" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4852" CreationDate="2017-10-03T17:46:23.400" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you need to go beating around the bush. Seems like your friend won't mind a direct request like NVZ's suggestion, however it's &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; who is not comfortable being straightforward. So, adding &quot;I need it&quot; will make it less straightforward (I do this all the time when asking payback).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, do you remember the 60 Euros you borrowed back then? I kinda need it [soon] [for ... or to ...]. Do you think you can pay it back soon?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're like me, don't want to say something untrue, you don't have to use the word &quot;soon&quot; or elaborate the &quot;why&quot;. After all, we always need money, don't we?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="6677" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T00:02:13.980" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T00:02:13.980" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4933" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4872" CreationDate="2017-10-03T17:51:09.037" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm with the folks who try to announce their presence from afar: knock on the door, call out, &quot;Alice?&quot; before you even enter the room, drop your keys, anything to make noise at the entrance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I would never touch someone who hasn't noticed my presence. The closer you are, the scarier it has the potential to be. I would walk in a wide arc until they could catch me in their peripheral vision, and I would approach them from in front.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still don't look up, move your hand up and down, calling, &quot;Alice?&quot; They might still be startled, but you've done everything you can to not do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;It seems like everyone wears their headphones these days. But I don't remember scaring anyone recently... &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T17:51:09.037" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4346" CreationDate="2017-10-03T18:42:57.287" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two approaches&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1  Drop it on Jane&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to expand this into a question of &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; and Sally as well, go here.  Tell Sally that she should &lt;em&gt;talk to Jane&lt;/em&gt;, say &quot;Hey Jane, have I hurt your feelings lately?  You've seemed distant.&quot;  If Sally really wants to keep Jane's friendship, she needs to reach out and find out what the real problem is.  It might not be the same thing that bugs you, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2  Tell her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know much about Jane, so your own read on Sally and frustrations with her are what you have to go on.  You can speculate with her, but you'll end up having a conversation like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sally:  What could it &lt;strong&gt;be&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You:  I can only guess.  You need to be absolutely rigorous in splitting costs with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sally:  [the dawn rises slowly]  Wait ... do &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; think I'm a mooch?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You:  Um, er, ahem ahem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point being ... she's basically grabbing you by the lapels and asking &quot;What are my character flaws?&quot;  That conversation rarely goes well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, just like above section, she needs to talk to Jane anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Recommendation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look, Sally is upset and asking you for help.  If you have your own problems with her, you've had &lt;em&gt;plenty&lt;/em&gt; of time in the past to bring them up, but haven't, for your own reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sally is worried about her friendship with Jane.  Focus on that.  The whole &quot;I think you're a mooch too&quot; bit can wait.  Go with option 1, let the poor girl deal with one crisis at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T18:42:57.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4920" CreationDate="2017-10-03T19:53:49.407" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hesitated writing an answer because you might not be able to do this without professional help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aren't familiar with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it's worth finding out about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you write, it sounds like you have a fear of public speaking in addition to social anxiety (?). CBT might be able to help you by gradually exposing you to the feared stimulus by a process called &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.speakingaboutpresenting.com/nervousness/15-baby-steps-overcome-fear-public-speaking/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;systematic desensitization&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to have similar symptoms in school when I was asked to recite poems for school events in front of the whole school but as I grew up the symptoms weren't as severe. I've had to avoid doing things that elevated my anxiety in the past. Avoidance is a short-term solution in that it helps prevent or alleviate the symptoms you are describing. However, it's a shame not to be able to enjoy having friends, and engaging in conversations with them because of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things you could try in the meantime (related to public speaking), while learning more about CBT:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gather family, you could gradually increase the number of family members, and give some kind of speech or read them something every once in a while. Of course this means that your parents, siblings or family know about your problem and want to help. Ask for their help. Or &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you have a couple of close friends, ask them to help you the same way. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take a public speaking class at your local college. (I did and despite resenting it in the beginning, it did help me a lot). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take an acting class. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't forget to breathe! Just take a few deep breaths when you feel you might be getting anxious about speaking in public or arguing with someone. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T08:15:10.563" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T08:15:10.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4937" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-03T20:53:05.000" Score="2" ViewCount="5287" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yesterday I wanted to meet my girlfriend in the evening but after taking a shower I was sort of lazy and decided to spend the evening reading instead of going out in the cold. We did not have a proper date or anything special planned but just wanted to meet casually. It takes me approximately 40 minutes to get to her place using public transportation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today I found out that she was angry at me for being honest in telling her that I was to lazy to get out of bed and making the way. She thinks laziness is not an excuse for cancelling the &quot;date&quot; and was even more shocked about my honesty about it. Her point is also that our relationship is rather fresh (we started 3 months ago).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it really that strange? For me laziness/tiredness/unwillingness sounds perfectly reasonable and being honest about it as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6727" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T04:05:40.993" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T05:23:33.393" Title="Can I tell my girlfriend that I'm too lazy to meet up?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="12" ClosedDate="2017-10-04T02:02:33.950" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4687" CreationDate="2017-10-03T20:58:46.173" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm the UK haggling is rare in shops, but not rude. In other contexts it is common, e.g. buying a car or a house, private sales between individuals and on financial products like loans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact with houses and cars if you don't haggle you will be paying well over the odds. They build in extra margin for haggling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you are polite it should be fine to make a lower offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3188" LastEditorUserId="3188" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T08:18:06.467" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T08:18:06.467" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4918" CreationDate="2017-10-03T21:20:49.490" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Replying to the email and saying you didn't actually work on it would be, in a way, calling him out for using your name without your permission. While it's a good way to protect your career, your friend's reaction can vary depending on the tone he perceives while reading the email. He may feel like you stabbed him in the back. Since you posted the edit saying this was mostly about preserving friendship, and not your job, I'll let you decide whether you want to mention to your boss that you weren't involved or keep lying to your boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, how to let your colleague know that this is bothering you? Maybe you don't have to. If you want him to stop without making it an argument between you two, you can use the fact that there's emails directed to you that shouldn't be. Make it about the company's interests rather than your own, that way the issue doesn't come between you two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I really think it would help limit confusion if you stopped using my name for the release&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;It looks like using my name is actually slowing things down, I got another email that should have been directed to you&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It turns the discussion from &amp;quot;I don't like what you're doing&amp;quot; to &amp;quot;it doesn't look like it's working.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3441" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T21:20:49.490" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4937" CreationDate="2017-10-03T21:52:42.370" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most people associate &quot;wants to spend time with me&quot; as &quot;cares for and values my company&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's cancel, I'm too lazy to get out of bed&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;sounds like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't care enough about you to get out of bed&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know we had plans, but I can't be bothered&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people would cover it with a white lie so it sounds better, which is probably why she mentioned that. Is it bad to be honest? No - now she knows where she stands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not surprised she is shocked, especially as you are in such a new relationship. Typically couples are still in the &quot;honeymoon&quot; stage of being excited to spend lots of time together, and still learning about each other's relationship styles. Now she may be wondering, &quot;if he isn't motivated to hang out with me when we had plans, does he even care about me? if he doesn't care that much about seeing me, what future does this relationship have? if he's already so settled that he won't get out of bed, why should I be putting in effort?&quot; Or she might be thinking something else!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line is, you need to find out why she is so upset and resolve it. &lt;strong&gt;Relationships are not about who is right or wrong.&lt;/strong&gt; You cannot go to her and say &quot;ha! the internet said you shouldn't feel this way!&quot;. For a relationship to work, you need to understand her point of view and find some solution that you are both okay with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personal experience: I've been on the receiving end of such behavior from a boyfriend. He said he would come to lunch with my family, but the day of told me he was too lazy. I was very upset. He might as well have said &quot;Yeah, I know this is important to you, but I don't actually care&quot; - in fact, that's almost verbatim what he said when I asked him about it afterwards. Yes, he was honest, &lt;em&gt;but that didn't fix the problem&lt;/em&gt;. (We broke up a month afterwards - this was an indicator of why.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, family plans are perhaps more significant than hanging out, but the same principle applies. When you're earlier in a relationship, you aren't as secure, so something that might be less of a problem later in a stable, long-term relationship will still cause big problems now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T21:52:42.370" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4937" CreationDate="2017-10-03T22:08:26.580" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depends on the context. Did you consent to go out to before the shower? Where you the one that proposed to go out? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being in a relationship is about compromise. Failing to do something that you compromised to do will get you into a lot of problems later on. So if you compromised and then backtracked without a valid reason, like being lazy, then the answer is No, you can't do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now as I said is all about the context. Did she ask you to go out and you where feeling tired and you tried to go out with her but in the end your body gave up on you then yes, feeling tired is valid reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please notice that being lazy and feeling tired are two different things. Laziness implies that other stuff are not as important to you as resting or using your time for yourself. Feeling tired means that your body lacks the energy to perform tasks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T22:08:26.580" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3636" CreationDate="2017-10-03T22:23:41.197" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The solution to this is rather simple. Grow up. Your cousin and wife are acting as son/daughter to each of their moms. They should be acting as the heads of their family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are grown ups in a relationship and that should what they should aim to preserve. Now both of them must confront separately each of their moms. Tell them that the lousy fight is affecting their lives and undermining the family they are trying to build. Now that they are married each mother is family to the other and that they need to let go of this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will probably throw a tantrum, they always do, but the couple must stand their ground on this cause they will keep interfering if let unchecked. If they menace with stop visiting the couple house, then they need to go visit each mother house, not letting them use the victim excuse. Loving them will be the best countermeasure to avoid cheap tactics from both of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2017-10-03T22:23:41.197" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4920" CreationDate="2017-10-04T00:59:06.373" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is what I think...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) everyone will have an opinion whether that agrees with you or not - it's one of those things&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) there will be people who will agree with you to varying degree while there will be others who won't agree with you to a varying degree... for whatever reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) I find usually people want to be heard than to hear others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) You can't really force people to accept your point of view&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;my opinion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) live and let live and don't stress too much&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) keep looking for like-minded people like yourself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) try to see the other person's point of view&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) yup, the world can seem rather lonely when few seem to agree with us&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6734" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T01:32:53.167" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T01:32:53.167" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-04T04:28:43.127" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A totally different option is to treat Jane as what she is, a poor woman who has turned herself into the caricature of a feminist, and get her out of this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time she starts The Speech, tell her straight away that you have heard this before, and ask her whether that is all she is. Offer her a beer (that will probably the first time this happened to her in years). If she doesn't like it, ask her what she likes. Insist on an answer. Do not accept any feminist talk, interrupt it immediately, and get to a different subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why this approach? There are two possible outcomes. One, you may be able to actually help her. A woman with that kind of attitude isn't going to have many friends, so any help that actually gets her out of this attitude, and showing her that there is more to life than hating men, is a very good deed. Two, you may have no effect. In that case, you still stopped The Speech. Instead of being annoyed by it, you can get some pleasure out of stopping her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, this isn't about feminism whatsoever. It's about someone visiting your home and behaving in a most obnoxious manner, either intentionally or without even realising. While it is easy for you to protect yourself from being annoyed by that behaviour, anything that makes her behaviour more acceptable in general society is only good for her. Would be the same if your neighbour came in and talked football, football, football and nothing else, and lost all contact with any non-football-fanatics because he can't talk about anything else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T20:23:09.417" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T20:23:09.417" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4949" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-04T06:25:35.140" Score="8" ViewCount="2360" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have recently joined a seniors only web site. Most people there are decent, rational people. Unfortunately, however there are 5 or 6 who are constantly in attack mode and they always make snide anti-social remarks such as, &quot;The recent mass shooting in Las Vegas clearly demonstrates that Americans are only getting what they deserve&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One person, on that web site, is particularly nasty and will take any and every &quot;thread&quot; wildly off topic with some negative comment about the person who just posted.&#xA;When I ask posters to stay on topic I sometimes get remarks such as &quot;Why are you always trying to control people.  Example : I started a thread on the film &quot;War and Remembrance&quot; The 1st reply I received was a rant on Isis, which is not remotely related to the WW2 film.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I handle such people ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6739" LastEditorUserId="6739" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T11:36:48.390" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T11:36:48.390" Title="Problem on a seniors only web site" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-10-04T15:12:20.047" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4949" CreationDate="2017-10-04T06:56:27.420" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the greatest things about social media is that it gives everyone with an opinion a voice. One of the worst things about social media is that it gives everyone with an opinion a voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will unfortunately not escape nasty or abusive people on the internet. Instead of trying to handle them yourself, let the moderators do the dirty work. If it is a good website with decent forum functionality, there should be a &quot;report&quot; feature. Just report them, or ignore them altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Save this feature for really abusive behavior though, or it will seem like you are crying wolf.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, how would you treat idiots you come across when offline? That is the compass you should use in your online interactions as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3796" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T06:56:27.420" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4951" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4952" CreationDate="2017-10-04T07:03:26.100" Score="75" ViewCount="16723" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently had some troubles with a &lt;a href=&quot;http://slash7.com/2006/12/22/vampires/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;help-vampire&lt;/a&gt; in the office. She's about my age (late twenties), from India and she doesn't speak Dutch. She works in the same office as me, but not on the same project/team. She was hired on a recommendation by somebody on my team and is currently learning to program in Java. The only coding she does are exercises related to this, she is not working on any project. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She often traps me at the coffee machine, water cooler, during lunch/Friday afternoon drinks or even when I'm on my way to/returning from the toilet. &lt;strong&gt;She always starts with small-talk,&lt;/strong&gt; but after two or three sentences she starts asking questions that google can answer. Often, these questions are not coherent or specific enough to answer, even when a language barrier is taken into account. Apparently, she still thinks I must be happy to help her (after all the unwillingness I've shown). It's like she's hoping that by asking enough questions, I eventually will slip in my resolve and do her work for her: provide her with answers to her tutorials/exercises. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I've never been very good at teaching, and I certainly don't have the patience to teach her (she's in my opinion very slow on the uptake), I've tried garlic and crosses, and everything suggested in &lt;a href=&quot;http://slash7.com/2006/12/22/vampires/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've bookmarked StackOverflow and the official Java documentation for her. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've sent her multiple 'let me google that for you' links, told her to google things herself before asking, even told her I'm not talking until she used the resources I gave her. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've always been careful to never do her work for her, and just give her the answer. I've always told her to go find it herself. In short, I've never been really helpful to her (which makes the fact that she keeps coming back even more baffling).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've told her that the answers to her questions are all over the internet, and pointed out to her that cornering me to ask these questions doesn't give me a good impression of her. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've pointed out all of her help-vampire characteristics as described in the second paragraph. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now, I'm at a loss as to what to do with her. Hopefully, somebody here has dealt with a help-vampire before. How do you get them to feed somewhere else? And if there is no alternative food-source, how do you get them to prefer starving over feeding off of you? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In normal English: What's the best way to deal with her when I want to either get her to use alternative sources of knowledge or leave me alone completely? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-12T10:38:23.050" LastActivityDate="2017-11-12T10:38:23.050" Title="How to redirect a real-life help vampire to an alternate source of food... um... assistance?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="19" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4951" CreationDate="2017-10-04T07:23:11.657" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is anecdotal but maybe it can help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was very rude of me and I am not proud of it, but when in that situation, &lt;em&gt;I let the person down&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Literally, I played &quot;stupid&quot;. I pretended to not get what he was asking and don't know the answer. So, to use your image: I dried out the food source. He went elsewhere and partly learned to find out things himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mind that this was also &lt;em&gt;after trying everything else&lt;/em&gt;. When it started to get &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; into trouble because I wasn't able to finish &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; work on time, I decided to go a***ole about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today, I would try and speak to her team lead and &lt;strong&gt;suggest to get some training or dedicated counselor for her&lt;/strong&gt; *). At least make someone else aware that she is distracting you from your actual work in an unpleasant manner. &#xA;As Timmetje points out: don't make it personal. Keep things &quot;grown up&quot; and professional. Point out the practical implications instead of your &quot;being annoyed&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially if you are not &quot;hard&quot; enough to just &quot;let her down&quot;, you may be better off sharing the weight on your shoulders. If she fails in trainings and it gets her fired, well &lt;em&gt;it's not your fault&lt;/em&gt; - she probably shouldn't have been hired in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again: should it turn out her behavior gets her into trouble, well - &lt;em&gt;it is not your fault&lt;/em&gt;. At the end of the day it may be it's not the right career choice for her. Not everyone &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be a developer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mind, that I did &lt;strong&gt;never give a wrong answer on purpose&lt;/strong&gt;. All I did was not giving an answer at all. Deceiving the vampire or trying to get him/her into trouble by giving false info &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; backfire, especially in software development.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*) EDIT: After getting to know that training is &lt;em&gt;all she does&lt;/em&gt;: She definitely needs a &quot;godfather&quot; or supervisor to go to. It's absolutely outrageous if she has to bother any (random) co-worker just because she doesn't know whom to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until she has such a person: Maybe try to &quot;reduce&quot; your help instead of refusing it completely. This would seem unfair to me, now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; &quot;light&quot; supervision like you had yourself (as you write in comments), then maybe it is helpful to talk to her supervisor about the situation. Not accusingly, not like &quot;she so annoying&quot; but professionally. Maybe the supervisor just needs to supervise &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; a little more than they did &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. Not every person can handle &quot;self-learning&quot; equally well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And there's also the cultural component I mentioned in comments: Maybe she feels intimidated or embarrassed or otherwise refrains from asking her supervisor directly (I won't speculate about reasoning because that would be irrelevant to you). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5980" LastEditorUserId="5980" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T14:24:36.427" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T14:24:36.427" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4953" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3297" CreationDate="2017-10-04T07:24:25.180" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ok, every one else answered now what the reasons are, why this is done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as it is tagged as Asperger and this behavior challenged me quite some time, I would like to give you advice here, how to better identify and handle that behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once had a friend from Hungary, and it seemed to me like being a thing of culture, he always was telling me what I &amp;quot;have to do&amp;quot;, what I &amp;quot;must see&amp;quot; and what I &amp;quot;will enjoy&amp;quot;, but instead of talking about the topics he came up with, we ended in a discussion all the time, of how he dares to try to tell me how to live my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wasn't realizing that thats not what he ever wanted to say by that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So as Aspie, I figured some time ago out — as I mentioned already in the comments — what makes me react so sensible on this kind of phrases is the fact that the statements are absolute, I felt besieged as it didn't leave any option for my personal impression, as I simply got dictated how it will be. I was worried how to react if I disagree, would I call him a liar if I tell him afterwards that I didn't enjoy it? Would he maybe see me as minor being, as I don't fit into his view of what people should be like? And many other thoughts had been the unconscious worries, his phrasing generated for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well I can't tell for everyone on this planet, but for the majority this simple rule works out for me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever someone approaches you in a way, telling you what you are required to do/behave like, because &lt;em&gt;they do and enjoy it&lt;/em&gt; you can safely assume they just mean it in the way, described by all the other answers on this post. Just start thinking critically about it, when that person telling you about it, is for no apparent reason not doing it them self.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2021-01-18T22:29:24.397" LastActivityDate="2021-01-18T22:29:24.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="4955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4918" CreationDate="2017-10-04T07:39:47.600" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a problem. And your colleague made it your problem. That is not oké. You need to speak to him about this soon. During a lunch break would be great, then you have some time to talk it over. You do need to let him know that he has to stop this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are having trouble how to communicate this, get your significant other, friend or family to &lt;em&gt;role play&lt;/em&gt; this out. As in, let some one else play your co-worker so you can try out different approaches and talk about what works best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;May I suggest something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bob:&lt;/strong&gt; co-worker, you need to stop using my credentials for code review.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Co:&lt;/strong&gt; Why Bob? It makes my job a lot easier!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bob:&lt;/strong&gt; You are getting me into trouble, dragging me into projects I don't work on and I need to cover that up for you. Your faster workflow is giving me trouble and costing me time. You need to stop this, today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that, he either stops using your credentials, or not. If he does, good for you both, you both saved the friendship and work atmosphere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he does not change, you will have to think about what next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you both don't change, you take the gamble if it will get you into trouble. It might work out, it might not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or you talk to your manager / HR about this issue. That might get you co-worker into trouble, trouble he made himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6601" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T07:39:47.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4956" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4951" CreationDate="2017-10-04T07:50:52.133" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seen what you have already tried, I would suggest ignoring her from now on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already tried a lot of things to help her solve her problem by herself, but it looks like she refuses to listen. At this point COMPLETELY STOP HELPING in any way, shape or form. Don't even re-suggest her to google it. If she can get even a little bit of help out of you, she will come back. This might seem rude but it's necessary (I actually did this a lot at school, where there were some friendships that I didn't care about at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes you can avoid her simply by stating that you have a lot of work to do and don't have time to help her. If she insists, you can be more direct with things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry but I can't really help. I don't have the needed skills to teach you, and you asking me every time is getting a little annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But before you get too direct, I would let someone (Boss, Project Manager? Don't really know yet the right roles) know of the situation, as suggested by Fildor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4068" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T12:36:05.440" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T12:36:05.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4951" CreationDate="2017-10-04T07:58:42.487" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is my professional opinion as a development lead of three software teams (in the Netherlands).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dealing with her personally is not solving the underlying problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is either not properly guided by a colleague &lt;em&gt;in&lt;/em&gt; her team, or not suited for the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of trying to avoid or stopping her vampire behavior, try to do the best also in the company's interest. This is also good for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said she is in the process of learning Java; this means there is somebody that is supposed to be her go-to buddy/coach. Take it up with him/her to do a better job and mention you find yourself not suited to do so. And also let him/her know you doubt the &quot;vampires&quot; skill (but be professional about it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there isn't a colleague guiding her, than take it up with the Team Lead, Scrum Master, Project Manager or HR. This is a really bad way of teaching your trainees, and they need proper guidance. Again let him/her know you doubt the vampire's skill and again be professional about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after all this nothing changes, then start solving the problem by not giving help and simply state: &quot;I don't find myself suited guiding you; please ask someone in your team. Good luck.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6719" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T12:35:36.513" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T12:35:36.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4920" CreationDate="2017-10-04T08:00:38.927" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm going for a different angle here:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Don't think about the anxiety.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, of course I know it isn't that easy, but I was a lot like you, and just like you I didn't really like the results. About 75% of your anxiety is because you focus in it, fear for fear. Fear for fear is bad, &lt;em&gt;because quite often, it's not that bad after all&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I got over this by shifting my focus:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After the fact, self reflect, focus on what you did right. Only then focus on something you think should improve and try to objectively access how to improve this next time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The next time, recall it. Don't worry about what went wrong, focus on what when right, and you new technique. After that, loop back to point 1. This is a forced process in the beginning, it'll get more automatic as you go.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you start worrying, distract yourself. This will take practice, but don't mess yourself up. Find a thought/thoughts which distract, or play simple games on your phone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sometimes didn't do things because I worried it might go bad. But, fear for fear isn't an option anymore. Worrying about it also isn't. So I forced myself to check why I didn't want to do something, and if it was because of anxiety, I made myself do it (if it was the first one of the day).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;It will take practice and some time.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; This is not a 2 day solution, this is a onging process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a while, you will have broken the habbit if overthinking it &lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt; much. You'll start noticing what went right, which with a little luck will create a positive feedback loop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a while longer, you do this a lot more automatic and you'll suddenly notice that everything is going pretty acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T08:00:38.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4959" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4920" CreationDate="2017-10-04T09:16:19.840" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Online interactions are different to real life. In a tech forum many answers to questions are binary, right or wrong, 'black or white'. And that can be quite comforting to some people. But that isn't always the case in regular human interactions, and even when you are discussing a situation that IS, not everybody has the same thought process. In your question you talk about trying to &quot;make a person understand&quot;, and it sounds like you are unsuccessfully trying to port your experience answering questions online to real-life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The very fact you are here, trying to figure out why you react this way, shows that you do care what other people think of you and even perhaps how they feel. So I don't think the fact you want people to just accept what you say first time, every time, means you are arrogant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need first to analyse your feelings. Perhaps you feel that if you have gone to great lengths to learn something, someone not accepting what you tell them first time is challenging your own thought process? Or perhaps you see it as an insult to your intelligence? Or maybe the challenge is taking away the comfort you find in being right about something? Whatever it is, it isn't worth getting angry about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember also that everybody has a different thought process, and while you can sometimes tell somebody a straight answer to a question (eg 'it's 42') other times you have to lead them down their own thought process, so they can understand how and why that is the answer, so they can have the same confidence in it that you do, and perhaps even gain some of that comfort that you may get from knowing that you're right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to see imparting information to somebody as a worthwhile challenge rather than a chore. Rather than give a quick answer, try replying to complex questions politely with questions of your own that start them on the thought path. If they really want/need to know, they will get that you are teaching/training them and respond favourably. If they don't like your new Yoda-like way of answering questions, they'll give up and start asking someone else, so it is win-win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you DO have to give a direct answer to something, you can always say something like &quot;in my experience...&quot; which gives them the option of listening to you, or not. And if the situation does still arise where someone is just not accepting what you say - remember that there is only one person you can successfully control, and that is yourself. You are not responsible if somebody gets something wrong because they didn't listen to you! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T09:16:19.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4949" CreationDate="2017-10-04T10:25:18.140" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a few things to consider here&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Leave the community&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the online community allows contentious topics/opinion to continue, then consider leaving this community and looking for something else.  Different communities have different personalities and different ideas of what is acceptable and unacceptable.  If you're uncomfortable with the general atmosphere of an online community, then you're at liberty to leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't feed the trolls&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's a couple of individuals who are causing concern, then simply ignore them.  If the community has an &quot;ignore&quot; feature, use it.  Trolls thrive on people arguing with them and will actively seek to escalate an argument to alarming proportions.  By not responding, you're denying them this route to escalation.  Not responding doesn't mean that they &quot;win&quot; or that you agree with their opinion; it just means that you don't choose to respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Use the reporting feature and the Terms of Service&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If users behaviour is in conflict with the communities stated Terms of Service/community guidelines, then use the formal reporting function (usually a button).  This allows you to privately report the behaviour to the site moderators for them to deal with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T10:25:18.140" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4961" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4963" CreationDate="2017-10-04T10:28:03.350" Score="6" ViewCount="1047" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am liaising with a client about a project. My main contact works off-site a lot but is fairly responsive with e-mails. She e-mailed me with a status update of a pending task and when I replied, I got an out of office message:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for getting in touch. I am out of the office today due to a family emergency. Please contact the switchboard for assistance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She still responded to my e-mail, at which point I asked if there was another person I could speak to so not to disturb her. However, I struggled to write a sign-off in light of this out-of-office response. Is it appropriate to mention the emergency, or just forego it? My pending response was along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi &quot;Jane&quot;,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for getting back to me. I still can't access the documents that you sent. I just saw your out-of-office reply. Is there somebody else at your side that I can contact as I don't want to disturb you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope everything is okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Kind regards,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Me&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this felt too personal, a bit clunky and awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a casual-professional setting (note the use of 'Hi' and abbreviations in the example), is it appropriate to wish someone well or acknowledge bad news on their part? If so, how do you go about this without being too personal or it coming across awkwardly? I've tagged my location in case there is a cultural difference that could affect answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6038" LastActivityDate="2019-04-15T14:48:59.333" Title="How to sign off an e-mail after finding out a work contact is out of the office due to a family emergency?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4963" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4961" CreationDate="2017-10-04T10:53:07.083" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am out of the office today due to a family emergency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you know for sure that it's &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; family related?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often, people put an out-of-office reason that will lead people into thinking: &lt;em&gt;yeah, that's really really important, I understand why they're not at work&lt;/em&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One supplier I work for is often &lt;em&gt;out-of-office for training / management / you-name-it-but-its-important-enough-to-be-out&lt;/em&gt;. And when you get to his office, and ask the desk-clerk, you get a nice: &lt;strong&gt;Sorry, he's on vacation for a week&lt;/strong&gt; :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if Jane answers, it means she has time to take care of you. But maybe not enough time for everyone or every request. &lt;strong&gt;Be professional. Thank her, but don't investigate or go any further. Ask / offer for another way if necessary / urgent.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi &amp;quot;Jane&amp;quot;,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for getting back to me. &lt;strong&gt;It's an emergency&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still can't access the documents that you sent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Can I go [ A / B / C ] to fix it? /* &lt;strong&gt;for you, or you AND her if she wants to help&lt;/strong&gt; */&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do I need to contact the switchboard? /* &lt;strong&gt;for you alone, not bothering her&lt;/strong&gt; */&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kind regards,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Me&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's really important for her (the OoO reason), and that she has no more time for you, then you have let her know she has a way out, and that you could manage to handle it in another way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T11:11:00.270" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4964" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="90" CreationDate="2017-10-04T11:03:14.743" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm on the spectrum myself so I realise that I'm not going to be particularly objective here. I apologise in advance if anything in this answer comes across as harsh because I get the impression that you are actually trying to be a decent guy and &quot;do right&quot; by everyone involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you tried actually talking to the student themselves to sound out what &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; think of the tutoring and &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; hopes and aspirations? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The nature and severity of an autistic person's differences from the perceived neuro-typical norms can vary wildly from person to person. But something I see a lot is a well-intentioned but misguided and ultimately harmful tendency to infantilize the autistic person and frankly I'm a bit concerned that this is happening here. I understand that in this particular scenario his parents are your &quot;customer&quot; in the sense that they are paying for the tutoring etc., but put yourself in the student's shoes. How would you feel if your tutor went behind your back to your parents and (in effect) said that you weren't cutting it in the lessons and that they should stop wasting their money and get you a job stacking shelves instead? Especially where there has been a history of struggling to find a good career fit? It would be pretty soul-crushing right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the subject of the store-related talk from your student, it sounds to me very much like a classic example of an autistic person's attempt to make small talk while missing the mark of the social &quot;norm&quot;. &#xA;It doesn't necessarily translate into an interest or something they want to do as a job any more than you discussing the fact that it is raining with a colleague means you want to be weatherman. I could probably relay very similar information to you that your student does, not because I'm &lt;em&gt;interested&lt;/em&gt; in things like gas prices particularly (other than the pretty standard desire not to pay more for something than I have to obviously) but more because I can't &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; absorb that information. I don't use that sort of thing as small talk, but that's simply because I am (just about) socially aware enough that other people generally don't. In my head there's essentially no difference in how I would categorize that information in my head from what the weather is doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may well be correct in your assessment that software development is not a good fit for this person, and this may well mean a gentle conversation with him and his parents suggesting that he might be better off on another career path but don't cut him out of the loop of that and do treat him as the adult person he actually is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T11:08:07.960" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T11:08:07.960" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4951" CreationDate="2017-10-04T11:31:46.697" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a rich personal experience of being afraid or uncomfortable to refuse to someone who is bothering me. When I was in school, I often helped my classmates with their homeworks and tests. They always called me whenever they forgot to write down their homework, which was literally every day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It resulted only in my deep hatred towards them because I was incapable of dealing with my personal problems at that time and wasting my energy to gratify their laziness only made things worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It turns out, the best way to refuse is the direct way. I do the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Upfront&lt;/strong&gt;, I made up my mind about who I will help and in which situations. For example, when asked to repair a PC/laptop, I decided to only help the members of my family. That means I won't repair computers even of my closest friends simply because it's too bothersome for me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When approached by a person seeking for help&lt;/strong&gt;, I stare them at the eyes directly with a neutral expression (at least I think it's neutral, but I couldn't see myself at those moments) and say, &quot;No,&quot; without any clarifications of reasons. I find that simply saying &quot;No&quot; while looking at the eyes and slightly shaking my head works best. If I want it to look less cold, I make a &quot;polite&quot; smile, i.e. smile using only my lips, also known as &quot;fake smile&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If asked, &quot;Why?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, I give a short direct answer, which is usually, &quot;I don't want to help you.&quot; I find it very important to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; make up any excuses such as &quot;too busy&quot; because that person will hear it as, &quot;Too busy &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt;, but you may come back later.&quot; Excuses make me sound like I am a person who is easy to manipulate, I found.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If a person is being persistent&lt;/strong&gt; and starts asking why I don't want to help them, I recite my decision from the step 1 above, saying, e.g., &quot;I decided that I will only help my friends with this,&quot; which clearly reads as, &quot;you are not the one who I decided to help,&quot; which intentionally sounds cold and distant.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, I never even used the step 4 because they usually give up on step 2. I just have this last step ready for a moment I'll need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe it works for these reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I make my decision upfront, so when a situation occurs, there is no doubt.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I define my own limits of kindness and responsibilities, i.e. my personal psychological borders.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I clearly express my personal borders to a person bothering me, if asked.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am being honest and direct about my reasons, not making up any excuses which make me sound unconfident and &quot;pushable&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're afraid to sound cold and unfriendly, my best advice is to forget about the false idea of, &quot;I have to be a nice guy&quot;. I am not a nice guy, I'm a regular guy who is capable of having a variety of emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I do actually sound cold or even rude, it's perfectly fine. I am simply not responsible for a person who is not even my friend. I can help them once or twice (if it makes me feel good), but I should not harm myself by helping someone else who I don't even care about that much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6751" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T11:31:46.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4967" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-04T13:53:39.820" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;&quot;I do not share that opinion / view&quot;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is quite simple: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Jane D is stating an opinion about the state of society. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You do not share that opinion. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;State it as such. She is after all entitled to make her own observations and form her own opinion. But so are you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick here is to change the discussion from being about &lt;strong&gt;fact&lt;/strong&gt; to being about &lt;strong&gt;opinion&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;interpretation&lt;/strong&gt;. As long as the tone of the discussion is as if you were discussing facts (which you are not by the way), then you cannot reach a conclusion where you can agree to disagree. But if you say &quot;Ok, that is your opinion... I have another one&quot;, then you open up for accommodation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4227" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T13:53:39.820" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4949" CreationDate="2017-10-04T14:37:30.993" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I once was moderator in a forum where we had a problem user who had a very specific issue and just couldn't shut up about it. That user kept derailing all kinds of threads to their pet issue. Unfortunately it was also one of those users you couldn't sanction efficiently. First, they weren't actually breaking any rules in a sanction-worthy manner. Second, they were the kind who would just have created new accounts in case of a ban, making them even harder to manage. Third, ugly political reasons I don't want to go into detail about prevented me from bringing down the mod-hammer too hard on that user.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I did instead was create a new thread about their pet issue which I called &quot;The official [issue] flamewar thread&quot;. I then proceeded to move any posts about [issue] (including direct replies) to that thread. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The troll couldn't complain about censorship, because their posts were still readable. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Those users who couldn't resist the temptation to feed the troll could indulge in that passion without derailing threads about more interesting topics.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Normal users who didn't care about the problem could just not read that flamewar thread.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The threads from which the posts were removed stayed on-topic&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1943" LastEditorUserId="1943" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T14:42:32.980" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T14:42:32.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4951" CreationDate="2017-10-04T15:25:27.120" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;She's coming to you for answers because (A) it works, and (B) she apparently doesn't have a better place to go for them.  You can chip away at either (A) or (B).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option A:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just.  Don't.  Help.  Tell her consistently that you don't have time for that sort of thing.  If she does manage to browbeat or sweet-talk you into promising to help, don't follow through.  If the ROI on coming to you is low enough -- read zero -- she won't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option B:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to her.  Find out if she is supposed to be getting mentored by someone.  If she is, the guy is not doing the job.  If she isn't, she needs to be.  Tell her she needs to go to her supervisor and explain her need.  If supervisor won't help, she needs to take some night classes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Recommendation:  For your situation I'd recommend both A and B.&lt;/strong&gt;  Or ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Surprise Bonus Option C:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do decide that for &quot;pay it forward&quot; or other reasons you have sympathy for her plight, &lt;em&gt;time-box your help&lt;/em&gt;.  Tell her you can spend X amount of time with her at time Y, where you pick X and Y.  In other words, &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; control the schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T15:25:27.120" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4971" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4951" CreationDate="2017-10-04T17:28:50.707" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;guess&lt;/em&gt; you mean to imply that the office language is Dutch, and she isn't proficient at it. This suggests that there are cultural messages/cues that are being missed, possibly on both sides. The most obvious issue is that you have a problem with a colleague at work and after trying to solve it yourself, it is time to get management involved - either yours or hers. That seems to me that it might be the &quot;nuclear&quot; option, depending on how subtle/competent your management is (or isn't). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your nom de plume suggest you are female, let's pretend you are. So, what would you do with an aggressive male attempting to pick you up at the bar? Your apparent inability to say &quot;No&quot; needs to be fixed. She starts with small talk. Well, it seems that you really don't want to deal with this person &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt;. If so, then you need to...dare I say it??...&lt;em&gt;interrupt her&lt;/em&gt; and tell her you are busy, and ask her if she has something work related to discuss. If she doesn't, then smile and say &quot;Ok, then. Have a nice day!&quot; and turn your attention elsewhere. If she does, then once she expresses it, tell her that (pick one) it would take too much of your time to explain to her, that she should consult her manager/team leader OR that you really couldn't answer without knowing more of the details, and you don't have the time or patience for that now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 2nd level of these two approaches (if the first fails) is to remind her that you've already told her you don't have time and physically (or electronically) take her directly to HER team leader/manager and ask her to repeat her question to him/her (for the first choice) OR to say &quot;Gosh, you always are asking me questions about YOUR work. Are you testing me? You aren't my teacher or my student. Why are you doing this? I don't appreciate it, please stop it.&quot; After either of those, the nuclear option is the 3rd step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6768" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T18:41:06.760" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T18:41:06.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4972" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-04T18:58:28.397" Score="91" ViewCount="32035" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a very tricky situation that has come up.  I am getting married in two weeks (as the groom, age 39), and my fiancée (bride-to-be) has invited a close friend &quot;Lucy&quot; who is bringing her own fiancé &quot;Sam&quot; with her.  Lucy is a sweet girl, is in the bridal party, close friends with my fiancée, etc.  Lucy and Sam have already booked rooms and flights, etc. to our wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently found out that Sam, age 32, sent inappropriate texts to my brother's 19 year old girlfriend, &quot;Mary&quot;, telling her that he &quot;can't stop thinking about her&quot;, and that he &quot;wants to meet up&quot;, etc.  The tone of these messages was clearly sexual.  Sam met my brother and Mary at my house a few weeks ago.  My brother was the one who informed me of these messages, clearly bothered that the guy who was actively looking to steal his lady would be attending the wedding.  He asked me to please help resolve the situation so that he and Mary could be comfortable at my wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here are the main issues:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sam should not be hitting on my brother's girlfriend. She's too young, and they are both in relationships. (He’s engaged!)  Not to mention the disrespect of doing that to the brother of someone whose wedding you're attending.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mary most likely &quot;led him on&quot; slightly with her language and giving her contact info to Sam, etc (I do NOT mean to justify anything, just pointing out forces that led to this. )&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If I make a big deal out of this (loud and angry as was my first instinct), it could hurt / destroy Lucy and Sam's relationship (clearly not a strong one) right before the wedding she was supposed to be part of - which in turn affects my fiancée negatively. I know it was hard for them to afford the flights and hotel, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sam has a history of violence, been jailed for assault, history of cheating, etc.  (Not a good guy, obviously.) So, causing a confrontation with him is not going to be fun, but seems necessary. His history is another reason I want him to leave my family alone.  I didn’t have any axe to grind with this guy before this, we were actually friends and had hung out on several occasions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Normally, this would be none of my business - except that I was asked to help by my brother, and they are all scheduled to come to MY wedding.  Normally, I wouldn’t even know anything about this. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the outcome I'm looking to achieve:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My brother and Mary must not feel uncomfortable at my wedding&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My fiancée must not have any added stress for this already crazy time of life&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sam's predatory behavior towards my family must stop&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'm really having a hard time figuring out how to approach Sam about all this.  My main thought is to do that via text, so I don't have to see him in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to resolve this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6773" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T16:33:23.740" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T21:14:41.180" Title="Sketchy &quot;friend&quot; recently revealed true colors, is attending my wedding. Should I un-invite, and if so how?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="19" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4951" CreationDate="2017-10-04T19:27:09.890" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;In agreement with @Anne Daunted's well-founded 'suspicion' in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4951/how-to-redirect-a-real-life-help-vampire-to-an-alternate-source-of-food-um/4973#comment18059_4951&quot;&gt;comments&lt;/a&gt; that &lt;strong&gt;your new colleague might be looking for a friend rather than a tutor&lt;/strong&gt;, may I suggest based on my personal experience as an Indian, even at risk of over-generalizing, that in the Indian cultural context, asking someone learning-related questions after joining a new community or organization is a typical type of submissive (read friend-making) social behavior intended to establish a non-competitive social relationship with others, in order to be well-accepted into the community as a new or junior member. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would do this myself if I joined a new organization. It's the done thing in Indian culture. By asking you so many work-related questions that she could find the answers to easily herself, she is probably expressing humility and dependence by giving you the message that you are more knowledgeable and her organizational superior, which is simply meant to make you her friend, as the first stage of getting well-integrated into the organization. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although such insecure behavior is typical of someone new to a company/ city/ country, it may also be significant that you are so fluent in English, @Tinkeringbell, &lt;em&gt;if the main office language and the first language of most employees is Dutch&lt;/em&gt;, because your new colleague doesn't know Dutch and India is an anglophone country. Also, Indian women going to a strange land tend to make a female friend of similar age first, to get more confidence in an unfamiliar social setting. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am trying to explain these possibilities in such detail because understanding the real problem is key to solving it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can you deal with her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1.&lt;/strong&gt; First, @Anne Daunted so perceptively suggested in 2 comments,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you ever ask her, why she always asks you instead of, e. g. googling it herself? It seems that she is the only one doing the asking. Maybe in a friendly and non-accusatory way a small conversation could ensue and you may find out more (does she look for a friend more than a tutor, perhaps?) or you could point some problems out to her (like how it's useful for her to be able to solve her problems herself etc.) [...] You were pretty direct and it didn't help, I just wondered if it could shed some light on the underlying problem (whether she is looking for a friend or experiences problems in her team making her seek out others or something else). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2.&lt;/strong&gt; May I also recommend pointing out to her quite frankly that she needs to understand how asking easily-researched work-related questions might well be useful to demonstrate humility and dependence for her purpose of community-integration in an Indian cultural context, but it creates a very bad impression in the Dutch workplace which values competence and independence more, as good professional and social traits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you say this you are revealing your understanding of her motivations, some of which she may not have understood herself. Even if being too frank in this way can possibly be awkward for you and temporarily painful for her (&lt;em&gt;if she is a sensitive person&lt;/em&gt;, but not otherwise) it is likely to quickly clear cultural misunderstandings and set her on the right track regarding professional and cultural expectations in Europe and the USA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3.&lt;/strong&gt; If that still doesn't work &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; it's time to discuss the matter with senior management, as pointed out in more than one previous answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-10-07T14:33:24.063" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T14:33:24.063" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-04T19:45:46.607" Score="136" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you've been drawn into quite a mess and the timing couldn't have been worse, but to be blunt this probably isn't a problem you should have been tasked with solving. You've got enough on your plate right now with the wedding plans and all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This guy is a piece of work, but the situation could probably be resolved by Mary simply responding to his most recent message with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry if you misunderstood me giving you my number, but as you know, I'm seeing someone and you're seeing someone. These messages are really inappropriate and they need to stop. I really don't want this situation to escalate to the point where I need to talk to Lucy about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will probably be some slight awkwardness between these folks regardless, so you're shooting for the least dramatic resolution. Asking Mary to set it straight is probably the least dramatic way to do that. The more people involved the more likely things will escalate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T19:45:46.607" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4852" CreationDate="2017-10-04T19:57:50.067" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If he is absent minded, just remind him. If you lent money to me, I might forget it (although that is unlikely because I don't like owing people money), and in that case I would be grateful of a reminder so I can pay it back, instead of annoying a friend by not paying back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is not absent minded, well, just pretend that he is. Assume the best of people. Then see above: An absent minded friend will be grateful that you remind him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now about making up stories and lying: Don't. The fact is plain and simple: You lent him money, therefore he needs to pay it back. There is no need for explanations. There is no need to say that you need the money. There would be absolutely no need to lie about needing the money. He borrowed money, you want it back, that's enough. Especially among friends. If he doesn't have the money in his pocket, he has a bank card. If he doesn't have it with him, you can go to his home, take the bank card, go to the nearest cash machine, take the money. There's no excuse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, do you remember the 60 Euros you borrowed back then? I kinda need it [soon] [for ... or to ...]. Do you think you can pay it back soon?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Better: Hi, do you remember the 60 Euros you borrowed back then? (There should be an offer to pay back immediately, that's what you would get from me. If that offer doesn't come then...) You'll need to pay it back. Today would be a good time. (If there are any excuses then... ) You had my money for six week. Don't you think that's long enough? If you don't have the money, maybe your dad could lend it to you? Can you call him? Like, right now? Or give me his phone number, and I will call him? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really, really can't talk to him, for larger sums there is an alternative approach: You can sell your debt to a debt collector. You'll probably get 40-45% of the money owed. The debt collector &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; get 100% of the money owed from the person, who will then be your former friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2017-10-04T20:04:07.213" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T20:04:07.213" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4980" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4872" CreationDate="2017-10-04T20:15:14.740" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem is where your starting point for this is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wait till you're right up behind somebody to talk to them, you're going to startle them.  If you say something when you're on the other side of the room you're a lot less likely to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just start with a &quot;Hi aunt Alice&quot; when you first walk in the room.  If she knows you're there it's a simple greeting that you were probably going to have to make anyway.  If she doesn't know you're there it's a non-awkward way of letting her know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If somebody is wearing headphones.. all bets are off and if they get startled that's on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6780" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T20:15:14.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4981" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1087" CreationDate="2017-10-04T20:24:35.240" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For me, something that works is to &quot;disconnect from the presentation&quot; right before it's going to happen. I tend to talk to people around about their expectations, things related to their life, &quot;unfocusing&quot; on the presentation and my expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It helps to break the tension, connect to the audience (making the fear of the unknown go away) and, personally, open myself to be more extroverted and don't feel the agonizing need to be extremely formal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4995" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T20:24:35.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4776" CreationDate="2017-10-04T21:04:02.857" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ugh, so hard.  I get it.  &quot;Yes I'm upsetting people--and myself--but &lt;em&gt;I'm right&lt;/em&gt;.  Doesn't right and wrong matter to anyone?!?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is going to sound condescending, and it is, because we first did this with our five year old nephew, but start by asking yourself, &quot;Is this a big problem, or a little problem?&quot;  It's worked with my husband to help gain some perspective.  If it's a big one, keep fighting.  But if it's a little one, challenge yourself to find &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; little problem next week to let go.  That's your goal.  Not to pick and choose all your battles, but to find &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; that you can let go.  It's hard for people like us, I know.  Convince yourself that you're doing a good deed in letting someone think they're right.  I mean if they're that wrong they probably don't get to feel that way often, right?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then see how it goes.  Repeat as needed until it becomes more of a habit, and remind yourself that this is in &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; best interests (theirs too, but be selfish for right now).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3306" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T21:04:02.857" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4986" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-04T21:18:28.590" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your goals are fine but #2 is the priority.  If this is a traditional wedding, keep in mind that this is your wife's (to be) wedding.  You are a just a key member of the wedding party.  Never forget this.  I know that sounds a little weird but I don't know better advice to give on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How your brother and his girlfriend feel are mostly irrelevant.  You can deal with Sam and his behavior later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I would have a serious conversation with your brother about how you need to make sure the wedding remains focused on your wife and doesn't become an episode of Jerry Springer.  In other words, he needs to suck it up.  Nothing is likely to happen because your brother will be there as well as Sam's fiance.  I doubt your brother will let his girlfriend out of his sight.  When the opportunity arises, a subtle comment can make Sam aware you are on to him (e.g. mention Anthony Wiener's troubles while looking at him.)  That will likely keep him on good behavior.  Also, warn your brother about getting too drunk and get a friend to keep an eye on the situation.  You will be too busy to do so yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;: Some people seem to be ignorant that in a US traditional Christian wedding the bride is the star.  If you are truly unaware of this consider that in such a wedding, the groom and the groomsmen wear matching outfits.  The bridesmaids where matching outfits but the bride wears a more elaborate and very distinctive gown.  The groom shows up first to basically no fanfare.  When the bride comes in, everyone jumps up and triumphant music is played.  Whether you like it or not, that's how it works.  If you lose focus on the bride and make the wedding about you, you risk disaster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1982" LastEditorDisplayName="user1982" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T16:09:34.103" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T16:09:34.103" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-04T21:26:11.403" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talk with your (soon-to-be) wife.  It's her close friend, not yours.  She'll know better what Lucy would want you guys to do and whether or not you should do that.  Presumably, the person you are marrying is not-a-jerk enough to take the needs of your immediate family into account, which in this case means Sam definitely can't end up going to the wedding. Trying to keep her out of the loop to avoid adding stress might seem like it makes sense, but hiding important stuff from your wife in order to make unilateral decisions regarding her best friend and their relationship is really not a good idea.  It sucks that she has to deal with this now, but that's really the best solution.  You can try and help out more with other tasks she's doing that you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; equally capable of handling to help with the added burden, if you aren't already. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6784" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T21:26:11.403" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4709" CreationDate="2017-10-04T22:04:52.823" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask, &quot;How to use book knowledge in casual conversation.&quot; If the conversation is indeed '&lt;strong&gt;casual&lt;/strong&gt;', then why the need to have your statement backed by research (Option 1 comment), or reliable (Option 2 comment) or credible (Option 3 comment)? If it's strictly a casual conversation and there is a point you want to add from what you have read, simply add it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might ask them...casually...have you heard about such-and-such? Find out if this a topic they want to pursue. If yes, then gradually sway the conversation from casual to educational or informative or a debate. (Not all book knowledge is truth - as has been cited previously.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is your desire to show what you have learned from books? or is your desire to simply have a casual conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an avid reader, I understand what you are asking. Define for yourself what you want from the conversation before moving forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6783" LastActivityDate="2017-10-04T22:04:52.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4991" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4997" CreationDate="2017-10-05T00:38:11.197" Score="-1" ViewCount="619" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have always been slow to adapt. I have an inbuilt distrust of anything new... Social media has been around awhile now, but I have only dabbled with it on and off. However, now I have a friend who would like to stay in touch through social media and texting, so I'm learning the things people my age practically grew up with. :\&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have texted for awhile, but the use of emoticons and emojis is something I generally avoided until my friend began using them to message me. As I believe is common, we developed our own ways of indicating the end of our conversations. Between us, it tends to be a thumbs up, 'sounds good' or 'ok'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But recently, and which is what I'm asking about, my friend suddenly started mixing things up on me and I'm not sure if it still means &quot;I'm done talking now&quot; or what....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than just a thumbs up, he now often texts me a thumbs up followed next by a hand making the peace 'V' sign. It still seems to mean the conversation is done, but why the change? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I take it to mean: 1) He considers me a closer friend than before? 2) That I'm annoying him. Or 3) He's just bored of using the same three sign-offs we were using?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm guessing it's the second, because he seems to use it most when he's busy with something. But maybe I'm reading too much into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I figure out how to interpret this &quot;new&quot; (to me) emoji?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;More Info: I guess it's worth mentioning that he is not from a culture where the V sign is offensive.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6789" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T05:59:46.227" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T07:09:52.677" Title="Question About Texting Cues - Thumb sign and V Sign" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;texting&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-10-05T18:14:02.487" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4992" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-05T01:15:52.707" Score="7" ViewCount="5526" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a male college student and I've really only got one friend. I never know how to interact with other people. I'm quite good at programming but that's probably the only thing I'm particularly good at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've met my friend when I moved to a college dorm 6 years ago. We started to get along very well and we had the same courses, so we essentially did everything together.&#xA;Which was great because it was much easier for me to just tag along with someone and to learn together instead of doing everything on my own, which I would have done if I hadn't met him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But sometimes I think that I'm asking too much. Because I feel very, very alone if I don't see him for a few days, which really really hurts me. I mean, I still have my parents to talk to, but I don't feel comfortable telling them about such things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I'm a person who is really uncomfortable alone, even though I'm very bad when it comes to social interactions - which I know is a little weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can talk about anything with each other and we've actually talked about this before. But I still don't really know how to better handle these situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm gonna try to explain how I feel: I mean, I can watch tv or a movie or read stuff online to be busy, or I can work or learn, but I'm getting a kind of anxiety and I can't really concentrate, and I feel like it just hurts in my chest. I feels kind of like heartbreak feels, I can't really explain it.... I don't actually feel heartbroken because my only friend spends time with his family for a few days, but it kind of feels that way. It just &lt;em&gt;hurts&lt;/em&gt; to be alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I can't expect that someone talks to me every day or something like that, but I shouldn't feel like this, should I? &lt;em&gt;Is something wrong with me?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for listening to me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some background:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before anyone asks, our relationship is completely platonic. We are both straight guys and we both had sex with girls before, which is also something we talked to each other about in the past, partly in graphic detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have the best relationship with my father. I do get along with my mother very well, but I couldn't talk to her about such stuff in detail, partly because I would rather talk to people who are about the same age as me, and partly because she's got a lot on her plate with my brother who has problems in school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6793" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T04:49:50.093" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T18:21:20.937" Title="I'm very introverted and only have one friend, do I ask too much of him?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-10-05T19:27:22.373" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4992" CreationDate="2017-10-05T01:42:22.357" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm very introverted and only have one friend, do I ask too much of him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a somewhat similar problem with my wife back when I was still married. We were both introverted and aspie. So we ended up largely just spending time together which was nice, but at a point we kinda got on each other's nerves... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking one person to meet all of your social/emotional needs is asking a lot of them. It's a big job no matter how low maintenance you might be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know I can't expect that someone talks to me every day or something like that, but I shouldn't feel like this, should I? Is something wrong with me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Humans are social animals, unfortunately we're just sort of wired that way. Feeling pangs of intense loneliness isn't unusual for people who are alone a lot of the time. I've definitely been there myself at a few points in my life. There's nothing wrong with you, other than needing to spend some time with other humans.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/amp/s/io9.gizmodo.com/why-solitary-confinement-is-the-worst-kind-of-psycholog-1598543595/amp&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.google.com/amp/s/io9.gizmodo.com/why-solitary-confinement-is-the-worst-kind-of-psycholog-1598543595/amp&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... On to the solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to branch out a little bit. I know meeting people and making friends can be challenging, but it gets easier with practice. Find a place that speaks to your interests and hangout there on a regular basis. Eventually you're bound to meet &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; who shares that interest and you may eventually get to know them a little bit and become friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find that socializing causes you a great deal of discomfort and/or anxiety it may be worth talking to a professional about it. There are therapies and medications that can help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T05:48:10.907" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T05:48:10.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4994" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4992" CreationDate="2017-10-05T01:47:27.800" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;By common everyday standards you do appear to be over-attached to your friend.  Not necessarily that you're &lt;em&gt;asking&lt;/em&gt; too much of him ... it sounds more like you're simply suffering in silence instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly I think I'd be remiss if I didn't suggest you look into counseling.  As a college student you may find that there are a lot of resources available to you through the school.  Recommend you check this out, because you two will only be in school for so long, and it's uncertain whether the two of you will end up in the same town afterward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Side-note -&lt;/strong&gt; needing help and &quot;there's something wrong with me&quot; are not quite the same thing.  There is no shame in talking things out with a professional; get a parallax view of your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T18:21:20.937" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T18:21:20.937" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4995" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-05T01:59:28.930" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, happy marriage!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should have a talk with your soon to be wife. As Lucy is invited by her, and is a respect to notify her about the incident. After all, your problem is her problem. Let her know about your concern, even though this might give her stress. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sharing your concern to your wife will do, as is not really your part to interfere with the whole incident. I would advice your brother to step up and defend Mary. He has the right as Mary's boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for Mary, whether she should put an end on the harassment is on her to decide. I guess Mary is fully aware of the harassment, but sometimes people might just choose to ignore, or they are not good at dealing such situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask your brother to talk with her in order to understand the situation more. If Mary is purposely letting the harassment come in, then your brother might need to consider deeply into their relationship. If she is not, your brother should provide all the help he can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, let your wife know about the incident, but do not interfere. Respect the decision of your wife to invite Lucy and her fiancée. Tell your brother to have a talk with Mary. Your brother might need to endure for a better picture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3285" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T06:56:53.780" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T06:56:53.780" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4996" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="4998" CreationDate="2017-10-05T07:08:57.300" Score="62" ViewCount="16900" Body="&lt;p&gt;I always go to lunch with a friend from work. We have at least 6 places where we regularly eat, with 2 of them being the most common.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I get bored of the same place, and I ask him where to eat. He will &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; answer &quot;anything&quot;, &quot;whatever&quot; or a similar response. Thus I end up deciding where we'll be going, but then he sometimes objects to my choice with various reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get him to give a meaningful suggestion when I ask? This can either be stating where to eat (rather than me always deciding), or stating the restriction/preference (&quot;I want cheaper lunch this time&quot;, &quot;I want something that can get me full&quot;) before I decide where to eat. (I've asked about these before, but it's always &quot;whatever&quot; until I decide)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; We are both male.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T20:47:45.443" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T18:06:54.713" Title="How can I stop my friend from replying &quot;anything&quot; when asking them what they'd like to eat?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4991" CreationDate="2017-10-05T07:09:52.677" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As always, the context provides the key.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two fingers mean different things, depending on which way around the hand is and the context in which it's used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Palm outwards, and it means &quot;Peace&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Palm inwards, it means &quot;Screw you&quot; (or words to that effect).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really doubt that the second meaning has an actual official emoji, since there's an official &quot;peace&quot; emoji and the opposing form would be confusingly similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in this instance, assume the positive meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Peace out, man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T07:09:52.677" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="4998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-05T07:37:36.550" Score="87" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you've stated you asked 'where do you want to go' and that if he answers 'Wherever', you have asked if there are restrictions/preferences on his side. I don't know how you asked, but sometimes, what I call 'the toddler approach' might work best: Offer them two choices, and have them pick what they want. So:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Where do you want to go today? I'm hungry for McDonald's or Pizza Hut, where would you like to go? &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Well, if it doesn't matter to you, do you want a cheap meal or one that leaves you full? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This narrows down their choices a bit. It might be that your co-worker is just struggling when there are too many things to choose from. I've noticed the same thing happening before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, here's a bit of a mean solution, but since you're not specifically asking for a nice one... I've been here before when I went to Disneyland with my brothers. They had the annoying habit of not picking a ride to go on, but when I said 'well, then we'll go there', they suddenly had better ideas. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After 2 days of these situations, I got pretty fed up with them. I asked them where they wanted to go (no reply), if they wanted to go on the rollercoaster or visit a show, and they said they were fine with either. So I picked the show, and suddenly they had to go on a completely other ride. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I did was just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No. I've picked the show now. I'm going to visit the show. Feel free to come with me, but I'm done with me picking things and then being told by you to go completely elsewhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I followed through and visited the show. Nice thing was, initially my brothers were very mad at me for behaving like that, but after I had visited the show and they were left to their own devices for a while when we met up again they recognized that they had been a little wrong as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After we had all apologized (me for overreacting, they for annoying me and not immediately making clear their preferences) the next 3 days went very smooth: If I offered 2 choices, and they were thinking about a third, they would say so immediately, and we managed to visit all the rides and have a awesome time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T07:37:36.550" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-05T08:56:33.363" Score="36" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Most of this is not your problem.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation with Sam texting Mary affects Sam, Mary, and their respective partners. While your intentions are good, Mary and your brother are &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; uncomfortable, and it is not within your power to make that discomfort go away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mary and your brother can decide between them how Mary will respond to Sam. You are not Sam's keeper, and there is no need for you to be directly involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is your responsibility:&lt;/strong&gt; Taking reasonable steps to make sure the wedding day is as happy and stress-free as possible for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most obvious risk is that Sam will do something seriously inappropriate at the wedding, especially if he has a history of violence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disinviting Sam from the wedding is an option, but would result in Lucy being upset (especially when she learned the reason) and possibly not attending herself, which in turn would be upsetting for your fiancee. You could decide the risk of Sam disrupting the wedding is too high, disinvite him, and face the consequences. Alternatively, if you allow Sam to attend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It would be prudent to explain the situation to a couple of trusted friends; ask them to keep an eye on Sam; and make sure they are ready to ask him firmly to leave, and if necessary call the police.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can tell your brother and Mary you have made these arrangements, which hopefully will help to set their minds at rest.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not issue any threats or ultimatums to Sam himself; in all likelihood, this would only increase the chance he will act out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Congratulations on your marriage and I wish you a very happy wedding day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6803" LastEditorUserId="6803" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T10:56:07.887" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T10:56:07.887" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5004" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-05T09:33:54.867" Score="4" ViewCount="2105" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friends and I are planning to go on a casino night-out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are generally ok with gambling; we have no gambling addictions and we just have fun when we win and, why not, slightly make fun of ourselves when we lose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are Italian, and since casinos, except for one in Venice, are kind of illegal, we go to Swiss ones, which are basically acceptable and give us no problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally went to a casino before, and I must say that the habits of the customers are very different: some of them just play for fun, some of them play with friends and some of them are basically addicted to gaming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The kind of customer that leaves me speechless is the one who blames the game on others and who basically thinks that &quot;God&quot; or any other higher power is against him. Although this type is very rude and annoying, I don't see the bodyguard doing anything.  To be clear... this was not a single person but 5 or 6 who behaved like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last time I went to the casino it was only me, so it was easy to let them do their show and ignore them, but some of my friends are not so &quot;polite&quot; when they lose or someone blames them for what they do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how to avoid these kinds of players? How to make it clear to the casino that we are not the problem (if some incident arises), but their lack of bodyguard efficiency?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6807" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T17:05:25.600" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T17:05:25.600" Title="How to deal with a casino night-out" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-10-05T19:27:15.403" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5005" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5004" CreationDate="2017-10-05T09:56:50.957" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ignoring these people is the correct answer. They're just caught up in their game, or lack sportsmanship, or are having a bad day, or are drunk or whatever. Thing is, it doesn't hurt anyone if they shout out &quot;NO! DAMN YOU [X]!&quot;. Even if they point at someone they are playing with. It's not &lt;em&gt;nice&lt;/em&gt; but it's not &lt;em&gt;hurtful&lt;/em&gt; either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they very specifically single out one person, and move towards them and start an argument with them or whatever, then you could tell security, but probably security would intervene on their own at that point. Or you could continue to ignore them until they go away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if your friends are going to make a huge issue out of the fact that someone is blaming them for losing a game, then &lt;em&gt;your friends&lt;/em&gt; are the problem, and you should probably educate them about ignoring other folks in the casino. Because if they start the argument, or get involved in the argument, or otherwise start trouble, &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; will be removed, and rightly so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T14:29:24.510" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T14:29:24.510" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5006" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-05T10:01:42.253" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;Probably, he &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; does not know what he wants to eat; he may need some more time to understand what he really wants to eat. You could anticipate him by playing his same game:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Today I'm out of creativity, I don't know what I want to eat. Do you mind deciding where are we going to eat today?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could ask him some time before actually going to eat, for instance during a coffee break, so that he can think about the answer with no pressure.&#xA;In order to force him to make a real choice, you could also point out that your only condition is not to eat in the same place of the day before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking this once or twice a week could train him to ask himself what he wants to eat and could change his ways of answering you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T10:01:42.253" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4776" CreationDate="2017-10-05T10:12:06.460" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem isn't how to pick your arguments; the problem is you feel the need to be right.  This makes you far more likely to be wrong, because your reaction is to assert dominance rather than question your intuition.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd advise reading Socrates.  His most famous quotation being: I know that I know nothing.  Which is to say people think they know things, but what they think they know is rarely true.  What we do know is that we are ignorant; intellectual humility is the foundation of knowledge.  Even something which is plainly factual has no guarantee of being true, scientific knowledge has a half life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really do believe yourself naturally ignorant rather than naturally correct, you will approach conversation differently.  In this case you'll begin to view conversation as a means to learn and test knowledge, instead of as a means to prove yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll need to train yourself.  Consider the process at work: we encounter something, and will react to it emotionally.  We then post-rationalise this reaction, and develop a thought which we can communicate.  At this point we can catch ourselves, and choose to pause for thought.  Now we have the opportunity to question our intuition.  Is it actually true?  If we're engaging with people online we can just go away and Google to double check (being careful not to cherry pick or to be a slave to confirmation bias).  If we're discussing things in person we can ask a question.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point we might actually find we are incorrect.  No harm there, we've learned something.  Let's assume we're not.  In this rare moment we're actually right about something.  Are we going to gain anything from pushing the point?  Probably not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've got to try and read between the lines to see why someone is saying something.  The truth doesn't matter to most people anyway, and is rarely the motivating factor.  You evidence this yourself; you want to be right.  Is this person likely to concede the point?  Probably not.  So what do we gain from the exchange?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we genuinely want to understand their perspective, or to clarify their point; we can ask a question.  The best way to challenge a point is the Socratic method.  You question what they mean by X.  At that point you're likely to find out whether they're just operating on herd memes which confirm to their bias... in which case they don't care about truth and there's no point asserting it, or you find something unexpected and can delve deeper with more questions.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The crux of the issue is that you need to train your introspection, which allows you to second guess yourself. From that you gain the ability to know whether you'd gain anything from insisting a point.  Most of the time you will gain nothing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1923" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T10:12:06.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5008" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4852" CreationDate="2017-10-05T10:17:01.883" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since he's leaving your city soon, you could ask him if he needs some help buying the ticket back. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ehi, did you fix [his problem with the credit card]? Do you need some help to buy the ticket &lt;strong&gt;this time too&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you will remind him that he owes you some money, but at the same time you won't directly mention the debt or your will of having your money back. If he's just absent-minded, this should be enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T10:17:01.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-05T10:36:19.530" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The crucial piece of data here is who &lt;strong&gt;knows&lt;/strong&gt; about what is going on, and who is in the dark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sam, Mary, your brother and you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your fiance, Lucy and all the other guests are in the dark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assumptions that I draw from your text:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mary is uncomfortable about his advances, which follows from the fact that she told your brother, but wasn't clearly stated.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The wedding is not so big that Sam can be kept sufficiently far away from everyone else.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Knowing about this drama would increase your fiances stress level.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That Lucy doesn't know is the vital fact. Your target is Sam. If he puts any value on his relation to Lucy, you can use that as leverage to manipulate his behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two ways to do that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first is to resolve the conflict. This needs you to involve Mary and your brother. Through a message like indicated in other comments, or your brother having a serious talk to Sam, make him understand that his advances are not desired, and that he should apologise to both Mary and your brother, behave himself nicely and stay out of their way as much as possible during the wedding, &lt;em&gt;or Lucy will be informed&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the wedding you can still decide whether or not to tell Lucy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second is to delay the conflict. Contact Sam and let him know that you know about your advances towards Mary. You can lead him to or let him believe that your brother doesn't know, it might work better if he's afraid of him finding out. Tell him that its your wedding and if he spoils it in the smallest bit, you will tell Lucy everything and make sure it reaches her in the way that makes the most sure she dumps him immediately and permanently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the conflict with Mary and your brother is still unresolved, his best option with this way is to excuse himself from the wedding, but let Lucy go. He could be ill or have a crazy important business emergency the day before or whatever. He can even fly in and suddenly fall sick in the hotel that morning, whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts you in direct conflict with Sam, and that conflict will have to be resolved sooner or later. You should have a serious man-to-man talk with Sam some time after the wedding. Your choice if you invite your brother to that talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T10:36:19.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-05T10:59:23.733" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;She looks a lot like a stampeding buffalo, she isn't aware of her behaviour and she won't stop in front of some usual objection. Instead, you could react with humour/irony/sarcasm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try welcoming her with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh hello Jane! What is 50% of the world population up to right now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How are those/us nasty Y-chromosome bearers misbehaving today?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Point out her attitude:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, what I love about you the most is the variety in your discussion topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do the same generalization, but in reverse and exaggerating them (the irony/sarcasm should be patent):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah, you women, always busy fighting patriarchal society!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or just plainly switching &quot;men&quot; and &quot;women&quot; in her phrases:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You women never help men! You really steer the whole society! You don't have the right of tell men what they have to do!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this last tactic may be more unpleasant, so try the other ones before. On the other hand, you can keep up this last one until she gets tired of discussing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A very important point here is how you delivery these remarks. &lt;strong&gt;Always tell them with a smile&lt;/strong&gt;: you intend no harm, you just don't want to discuss further with somebody that's otherwise your friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T10:59:23.733" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-05T11:08:34.647" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This happens to me and my friend a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think we're &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; the ones who will have &amp;quot;anything&amp;quot;; but then when we start listing restaurants, we both have slight objections to some options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a common pattern in how the conversation goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;What do you want to eat?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm fine with anything.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;How about &lt;em&gt;ABC&lt;/em&gt;?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm not sure I'm feeling up to &lt;em&gt;ABC&lt;/em&gt; today, maybe something else?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then we often go back and forth for a minute until we agree on something we both really want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, I think we've made pretty good progress on skipping that step.  Instead of asking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;What do you want to eat?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;the question becomes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Is there anything you don't feel like eating today?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find this eliminates a bit of the useless conversation.  There's still usually some back and forth about what we each want; but in this way, you should get a better idea of what will get shot down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As other answers mention though, they may not know specifically what they want/don't want.  You may suggest an option that they realize they don't want, even though they didn't mention it when asked.  At least by asking before suggesting, you minimize the chance it's something that they won't want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1734" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T11:08:34.647" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5012" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-05T11:35:18.883" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One possibility is to simply change your expectations of the interaction.  Just maintain an ordered list of the places you're interested in eating and rattle them off until you get an affirmative on his part.  If you go in expecting to name three or four places, then you won't be disappointed when it happens, and hey, if you like games of chance, you might just get a mini-rush from what amounts to a round on the roulette wheel.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the fringe benefit of encouraging you to compile a complete list of restaurants in the area, which might help you discover new places that you didn't previously know about.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6811" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T11:35:18.883" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-05T11:56:50.520" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are organizing a complex event with partial info and many moving parts, any number of which can go wrong; choose a path here that removes the greatest number of potential chaotic outcomes, pick and choose from multiple answers and comments based on your knowledge of the people involved. &quot;Hilarious&quot; miscommunications, and things you forgot and/or forgot to share, or didn't as you couldn't see their importance because somebody else didn't tell you their bit as they couldn't see its impact either...  You know the (movie) script.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you have to make your fiancee take part in deciding, for many reasons. Basically, you and your fiancee have the right to expect to be the single most important person in the other's life until your marriage breaks down and/or you have children (and even then). To expect to be a prime consideration in all decisions that impact them. But that's &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; outlook, you check what's yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Play the &quot;what if&quot; game with not-too-improbable choices (you know which ones are, we don't). Like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if I don't inform my now-fiancee, but she finds out months later when Sam has sent a dick pic to an adult-looking minor; he's on bail or not; Lucy can't make rent, whether she kicks him out or not; she's homeless without a couch to crash on (&quot;flying in&quot;.. has she got support there? (in)secure full/part time?..); and her period's at least two weeks late, from decision take in the optimistic romantic state of being at your wedding and a desire to stay at a similar stage in life as her BFF.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;where I know that &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; wife would take my silence as an incredible violation of our relationship, and &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt;'d forever feel sad and truly guilty towards the kid that's born to this chaos (if they do well, mad props to them!, but that's a horrible stacking-of-odds against an innocent, with no reasonable expectation for such a come-from-behind victory). &lt;strong&gt;Your&lt;/strong&gt; morals will inform you here; unrealistic assumptions/aspirations will misguide you here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I think it's best you make a bullet-pointed list of all considerations, where you will/should agree/disagree with my formulations/weightings, and put in your own, and then group them in clusters of consequences, and rank them all in importance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lucy is your wife's best friend. Since long? Is that a temporary&#xA;position reaching a limit (to do with a phase of life that's past,&#xA;like college), or not? Is this the latest installment of the Lucy's&#xA;Bad Decisions saga, and actually something to work out between you&#xA;two? &lt;em&gt;I know &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; wife's five-ten best friends are like close&#xA;family to her, hence to me; I don't have to like them, but they're a&#xA;permanent reality.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your wife's happiness at the wedding trumps yours somewhat, and her&#xA;happiness is an order of magnitude more important than anybody&#xA;else's. So awkwardness in Mary and an angry adrenaline rush in Bro&#xA;are less important than putting Fiancee in the position of knowing&#xA;this bombshell news while Lucy is gushing how great they're now&#xA;(finally) together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A smooth-running, perfect wedding is a pointless ideal, but the only&#xA;one we work towards; this is the crux of the &quot;Bridezilla&quot; issues.&#xA;This is a whole can of worms in itself, but it's in the background of&#xA;this question. I firmly believe no guests, only wedding planners,&#xA;have ever fondly remembered a wedding for its smoothness!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Certainty of annoyance (in her, in you, in them, ...) when facing&#xA;somebody is better than a 10--20% chance of a blowup: If anybody is&#xA;prepared to hold their tongue, because they've mentally rehearsed an&#xA;issue/encounter, that's better than you hushing it up and taking a&#xA;real risk of things coming unstuck. That's like choosing for the&#xA;cheaper-but-forgetful florist; and one that may come with the wrong&#xA;flowers is much better than one that might not turn up at all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wedding is just an instant, compared to its aftermath &lt;em&gt;(many couples&#xA;form at weddings! weddings get discussed for years! guests meeting&#xA;again later will think back!)&lt;/em&gt;, and that is minor compared to daily&#xA;life. Publicly, a drunken betrayal is just a passing faux pas like a&#xA;grating drunken joke; but the betrayal lasts through daily life for&#xA;those involved.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Much aggravation in wedding preparations comes from the ludicrous&#xA;jeopardy that weddings have become. It's no just her parents paying&#xA;for a dinner which will mainly bring together your far-flung&#xA;relatives from a time when travelling beyond your village/city was&#xA;costly and impractical; it's an all-singing  all-dancing stageshow&#xA;where you've at best rehearsed once with the core cast but the&#xA;majority are extras where some have attention-grabbing diva plans,&#xA;and their state lets them ignore the overall play in view of their&#xA;personal issues/squabbles. &amp;amp;[See &quot;Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are&#xA;dead&quot;.]* The budget wreaks your financial outlook for years if not decades. There's often feeling that you have to top previous shows. Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Springing any news on anybody at a wedding is bad and unfair,&#xA;especially the type of emotional thing that you could have sat down&#xA;quietly with for 30min, understand the reasoning and factors, and&#xA;accept (here, it's all outside of your two, it's other people's&#xA;actions and characters). There's small steps to working through small&#xA;grief like that, but don't force someone to take them in public and&#xA;in an (emotionally, alcoholically, ...) impaired state.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't overblow it now. You're now dealing with a minor footnote, of less importance to the wedding than choosing the cake. &lt;em&gt;If ignored, it may only strike you, Bro and Mary; or it may cataclysmically overshadow the whole, becoming &quot;The Day Of The Incident&quot; for years for many.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You've clearly drawn Sam as a villain here, he might have some&#xA;qualities beyond being a fair-weather friend; else you're saying&#xA;wife's BFF is an idiot and your wife will take this badly against&#xA;you. Will Lucy inevitably break up with him (unless he's &quot;reborn&quot;,&#xA;haha)? Then you have some moral duty to help this happen &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;she has a kid whose life will be blighted by this. Is Sam a taint, a&#xA;blight that only corrupts? Sufficient &quot;kill with kindness&quot; and&#xA;&quot;surgeon kills by not amputating enough&quot; metaphors, you examine if it&#xA;applies.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider what happens if your wife finds out you knew all this long&#xA;beforehand when it could be discussed relatively calmly, either if&#xA;this blows up during the wedding &lt;em&gt;[you know whether there'll be&#xA;alcohol, and what amounts in general and may guess what amounts in&#xA;the main actors here, possibly in combination with various drugs and&#xA;character traits; but any case it's a lot of eventually tired people&#xA;together in a heightened emotional state, so bad calls,&#xA;slips-of-the-tongue and overreactions can easily snowball]&lt;/em&gt;, or&#xA;afterwards [a remark by 'Mary' leafing through the new wedding album&#xA;that triggers on news your fiancee has?].&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You showing you've considered all these factors, going as far as&#xA;anonymously asking SE for possible paths you'd overlook because&#xA;you're too close to this mess is &lt;strong&gt;clearly&lt;/strong&gt; to your credit. Even if&#xA;it gets thrown in your face at the moment you say it, because it's a&#xA;majorly emotional issue and logical arguments don't cut it in the&#xA;heat of the moment (even sensible ones will get overshadowed).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can plan ahead, she can't: Breaking news always puts the other on&#xA;the spot. You've worked it through, she hasn't had a chance yet, that&#xA;is an unfair setup. Thus &quot;unforgivable&quot; words can be forgiven to the&#xA;ambushed party; but do not dismiss things for being &quot;emotional&quot; as&#xA;that just infantilizes her. Do mitigate for it as that will prevent&#xA;consequences for emotional overreaction. Hence brace yourself but&#xA;without being defensive. Give the other room.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;An angry exchange while planning the wedding will afterwards be taken&#xA;to your credit, if it's clearly motivated to avoid a blowup the day&#xA;itself (and even more if it succeeds). So plan this conversation in view of your life together, not of the wedding day. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't jump until your mind has settled, but don't cowardly wait. She has the right too, to be settled on this, before she must/must not inform Lucy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;[snip: many more]&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;Good luck, and have a great time!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5100" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T11:56:50.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-05T12:25:20.223" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If he likes games, try to gamify it.  Invent a point system, e.g. 3 points for a new restaurant, 2 points for a restaurant you've visited in the last 2 weeks, and 1 point for a restaurant you've visited this week.  Then turn the &quot;where shall we eat&quot; dialog into a &quot;how do we increase our points&quot; dialog.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another system I use with my wife is to give her three choices.  She can either choose one of the three or she can suggest somewhere else.  That way, we both participate in choosing the venue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6813" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T12:25:20.223" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5016" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-05T12:54:00.683" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The solution here is very &quot;simple&quot;, but it's very direct so nobody wants to consider it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get Sam's number, call him, establish that you are the husband-to-be, and tell him that he is not welcome to attend your wedding and he is therefore uninvited. When he asks why, just tell him that you don't have to provide a reason, say goodbye, and hang up. If you feel like this is a jerk thing to do, it isn't, considering who Sam is and what he is doing. The most important thing is, he'll get the message, and he won't be attending your wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the circumstances, you may or may not also want to give Mary a heads up, in case Sam tries to contact her about it. Use your best judgement here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6819" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T12:54:00.683" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5017" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-05T13:09:17.910" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, tell your future wife and, together, think of a course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest, with the support of your future wife, to expose the case directly to Sam explaining that his misconduct has come to your attention and that you will not tolerate such behavior around your family and especially on your wedding day. And, therefore, he is disinvited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point here is to defend your family, your brother and his girlfriend, from someone with an inappropriate and reprehensible behavior. Today is your brother's girlfriend, tomorrow can be your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be not affraid. Confront him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4225" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T13:09:17.910" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4842" CreationDate="2017-10-05T13:36:15.093" Score="5" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be &lt;strong&gt;grateful&lt;/strong&gt;. It could be a lot worse. She could have noxious body odor, or try to eat your children.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Remember to have &lt;strong&gt;compassion&lt;/strong&gt;. She is your friend, after all. It is probably worse to be her than to be around her, since she probably has a lot of annoyed friends.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Laugh&lt;/strong&gt;. It's funny. &quot;There she goes again,&quot; you say to yourself. If you two are truly friends, you want the time you spend together to be pleasant, and what is more pleasant than a funny moment?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Consider your time a &lt;strong&gt;gift&lt;/strong&gt;. By putting up with her quirks, you are being a good friend. Giving her time when she can just &quot;be herself&quot; is a huge way to form intimacy, if you can stomach it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dismiss the argument&lt;/strong&gt; as quickly as possible. Don't engage. Some good responses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sure.&quot;&#xA;&quot;I know, right?&quot;&#xA;&quot;That sounds good.&quot;&#xA;&quot;Yeah, men are so awful.&quot;&#xA;&quot;Right on.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Head it off.&lt;/strong&gt; If you still find your friendship under strain, consider talking to her in a different situation, i.e. before she has started into her argumentative mood and preferably not in front of other people. Tell her how you feel and ask her to stop. Or ask her how she thinks you ought to react when she makes you uncomfortable. Or simply tell her that it is boring.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep her busy.&lt;/strong&gt; If you two just &quot;hang out&quot; without any activities planned, and there are a lot of awkward silences, it's not surprising she would try to fill them with whatever she is accustomed to, which seems to be arguing. Don't let those silences happen. Make sure your planned times together contain activities that keep her tied up or don't allow talking, e.g. see a movie.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have &lt;strong&gt;boundaries&lt;/strong&gt;. You can't decide for her how she is to behave, but you can decide who you wish to be friends with. If she isn't willing to behave in a manner that you wish to be around, don't be around.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2029" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T13:36:15.093" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4951" CreationDate="2017-10-05T13:49:06.783" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you tried all the nice ways and not-so-nice ways to stop here and she still doesn't, then continue with the harsh ways: de-escalation via explosives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people learn through experience, others through pain. That is a life fact, and you are not doing anything wrong if you already exhausted all other options. If she is the second type, you need to apply 'pain' to make her learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She needs to learn that there are limits. It is a good thing to teach her that important lesson if necessary by force, although she probably will not understand that, yet. But better you teach her than someone who isn't as nice as you are. Also keep in mind that the problem is on her side, not on yours. You did your best, now it is up to her to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3566" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T13:49:06.783" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5020" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-05T14:10:34.610" Score="8" ViewCount="7999" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am the kind of person that is a little shy/awkward when first meeting people, but get better over time, the longer I have to warm up to them. The problem is that this initial nervousness is quite a bit worse in this case because I will be meeting my significant other's parents for the first time. I feel that I am unreasonably nervous for this occasion, and it's concerning me that I will come off as standoffish or weird. The last thing I want is for her parents to not like me or anything of that nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have dated in the past and met the parents, but for some reason this time I am especially worried. I think it is because I am more invested in this relationship than past ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any advice as far as how to approach this situation or better deal with my nervousness would be greatly appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6825" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T14:58:36.937" LastActivityDate="2020-11-04T21:25:47.530" Title="How to get over nervousness and prepare for meeting significant other's parents?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-05T14:36:08.737" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have seen this suggestion before somewhere:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;First person chooses 5 places they like&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Second person vetoes 3 of them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;First person chooses between the remaining 2&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This begs the question, who will pick the 5? Well, in your specific case you said there are &quot;at least 6.&quot; So if it's that narrow, you could just have those 6 be the &quot;base&quot; and the &quot;first person&quot; alternate every other day. If the &quot;first person&quot; wants &quot;anything&quot; then their 6 are the base 6.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6826" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T14:36:08.737" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5020" CreationDate="2017-10-05T14:42:06.197" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;My first bit of advice would be not to overthink this. It's understandable to feel some pressure when you're meeting the relatives of your significant other because you want them to like you since you're invested in the relationship. It's very unlikely that the parents intend to interrogate you in order to assess whether or not you're 'good enough' to be with their child. Most likely they are simply interested in meeting someone who's important to their child. Remember that the parents and you have a shared interest: you all love your significant other and want that person to be happy. Getting to know each other and getting along helps you all achieve that goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I have a somewhat similar situation in that I too can have trouble being social when I don't know someone very well. In this sort of situation I would try to find some time alone with one of the parents, like for instance if one of them goes to do the dishes, offer to help them out and use the 'informal' moment to build some rapport. A similar opportunity would be if one of them is going do go get some take-out or do some grocery shopping and you offer to go along. For me, it becomes much easier to talk to someone I don't know in a one-on-one situation rather than when everyone's sitting in the same room together because the latter situation creates a lot more pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The added benefit is that helping out with a chore helps you make a positive impression. Even if your help is refused, the fact that you &lt;em&gt;offered&lt;/em&gt; to help out shows that even if you're not very talkative or outgoing, you are considering their needs and are trying to 'invest' in interacting with them positively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T14:42:06.197" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5020" CreationDate="2017-10-05T15:02:05.840" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just met my girlfriend's mom for the first time and I was slightly nervous.  I think the reason you feel so anxious is because you're placing so much importance and value in meeting them and having everything be perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's obviously a little important but if you are telling yourself it will be absolutely perfect then you are just going to make yourself more nervous overthinking it and setting yourself up to not have a good time.  Try not to care as much and it will not be as stressful.  Also, remember that they are probably the reason your significant other is the way they are so there is a high likelihood that you will get along just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6210" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T15:02:05.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5020" CreationDate="2017-10-05T15:03:45.667" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;To add to the other answers: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can ask your s/o for the typical pitfalls (if you manage to memorize them):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Religion: Are the parents religious? If so, what exact denomination? Young earth Creationists? Perhaps only little bit religious but will still take offense in specific things? Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? ...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Politics: Know where they stand but avoid the topic on the &quot;first date&quot; if not brought up by them. Don't lie to them about your place on the spectrum. If the relation is going to last a little longer, they'll find out anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Animals: Cat-People or Dog-People? Believe it or not - this &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be a hot topic.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sports: Don't go on a rant about Pas's favorite team ... (but don't lie if you don't like them neither. Just be &quot;diplomatic&quot; )&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Culture: You did not provide geo/culture-tags but there may be topics to be handled differently or expected behaviors dependent on their culture / heritage. And of course vice versa: You could avoid misunderstanding their behavior knowing their culture.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;... That's what's on top of my head. Feel free to comment with more. I'll add to the list.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just remembering some of my &quot;first meetings&quot; of &quot;in-laws&quot; ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often Fathers have special relationships with their daughters ( I must know that ;) ). Depending on their sense of humor, they may try to set you up a little bit. Like asking on purpose a little bit awkward or too direct questions (usually accompanied by roll-eyes of mother-in-law and s/o). Or tell you stories that end in &quot;gotcha!&quot; ... Just stay calm and play along. I found that it is mostly a good sign. After all, it may well be &lt;em&gt;they are nervous to meet you, too&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anecdote:&#xA;&quot;Pa&quot; asks me what I'd like to drink. Me: &quot;Thanks, nothing right now.&quot; He goes to the booze-cupboard, pulls out a humongous bottle of moonshine with a label saying &quot;Nothing&quot;. He turns around asks &quot;Really, nothing?&quot; , Me: &quot;Nothing at all, thanks&quot; He puts back the bottle, takes an even bigger one with a label &quot;Nothing at all&quot; and has me drink a glass of the most evil stuff I ever had the misfortune to kill my braincells with.&#xA;On our way home, I asked my s/o if he had tried to kill me with that. She replied he does that only with people he &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; likes ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR Sometimes awkward behavior of fathers are really a sign they approve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5980" LastEditorUserId="5980" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T15:52:29.483" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T15:52:29.483" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5025" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-05T15:10:44.797" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't give them a choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm going to xyz, do you want to come?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't, then they can openly state it, if they do, they'll join you. If they want to go somewhere else then they can, and you can choose to join them instead if you wish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="387" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T15:10:44.797" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5026" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-05T15:11:57.543" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Remember, this wedding is all about you and your bride. Or more accurately, this wedding is all about your bride. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to summarize: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can't un-invite Sam because this will upset Lucy which will upset bride. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can't grass on Sam because this will upset Lucy which will upset bride. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can't confront Sam because a) he's not messaging &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, and b) he's a psycho.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can't seat Mary and Sam really &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; far apart because Sam is fiancée to someone in the bridal party and Mary is with your brother - so all near the front.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, this wedding is about you and your bride - I mean, this wedding is about your bride, who is not a part of this mess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To a certain extent everyone else should, ahem, suck it up for her sake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I recommend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Advise Mary to immediately block Sam on all forms of communication, block mobile number, unfriend, de-twitter, anit-instagram, &lt;strong&gt;everything&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Seat them as far apart as possible while not compromising the natural rules of proximity to you guys and whatever other conventions apply. (I also would note that the more &quot;prominent&quot; Mary is the harder she is to &quot;get to&quot;.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mary spends the night out of the corners and in the company of at least two confident ball-busting women at all times, doesn't approach Sam, and offers only the blandest responses to anything he says.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give your bride a great wedding&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Deal with the rest of the mess later.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2270" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T15:21:34.943" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T15:21:34.943" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5020" CreationDate="2017-10-05T15:22:17.313" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just do these three things, 1) Be honest, 1) Smile at them, 3) practice meeting them in your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be honest,&lt;/strong&gt;  when you meet them consider saying something like this &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I've been really excited and kind of nervous to meet you.  I think your daughter is an amazing person.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling them your excited to meet them (which is probably part of what is making you nervous) is flattering and will make them feel good.  Telling them that your nervous will explain any shy/awkward behavior on your part.  Also more importantly telling the truth about how you feel will free you up inside to be more relaxed.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course telling them you think their daughter is amazing is a compliment to their parenting. which will make them like you and more forgiving of any odd behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Smile at them,&lt;/strong&gt; smiling will give you more positive emotions and more positive emotions to most people who see your smile.  &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;see here&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;practice meeting them in your mind&lt;/strong&gt; I did some performance in high school and I learned that practicing things in your mind is actually really useful.  Just practice the perfect 1 minute first impression every morning till you meet them.  practicing in your mind will convince your brain that you can pull this off.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Extra tips&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;-Bring a small gift that they will like, (ask your partners input).  Even something like cookies will be well received. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Deep slow breathing will relax you.  I once had a therapist tell me that &quot;deep breathing is the cheapest anti anxiety medicine.&quot;  While not a miracle pill (or a pill at all :) ) it does help you relax From now till you meet them.  Every time you feel nervous just breath deep  and slow for a few minutes.  Doing this sends a message to your brain saying something to the effect of, &quot;It's ok, calm down.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-remember you had enough Charisma to catch your partner, in the long run her parents will probably see your same wonderful traits that your partner did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do this! best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T15:49:22.730" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T15:49:22.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5020" CreationDate="2017-10-05T15:31:47.037" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some thoughts...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Basic politeness will get you a long way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;These parent types are the ones who raised the wonderful girl you are with.  You &lt;em&gt;automatically&lt;/em&gt; have something in common with them: a shared admiration for your SO.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to utterly charm &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; ... &lt;em&gt;SO&lt;/em&gt; is the main person whose good opinion you want.  So don't try too hard.  That never works anyway.  &lt;strong&gt;The reason &quot;be yourself&quot; is a cliche is that it's good advice!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You might consider looking up a few interesting safe topics (&quot;weird news&quot; from local area often has some good ideas).  Religion, politics, etc can wait.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to field questions about what you like to do, and what you do for a living.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Depending on your ages, you might hear &quot;What are your intentions toward our daughter?&quot;  Have been asked this.  Answered, &quot;Sir (ulp!), Jessica and I are still working that out, together.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask them questions as well; get them to talk.  &quot;How long have you lived in this house?&quot;  &quot;If it's not too forward, how did you two meet?&quot;  When you show interest in people, it helps them like you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Above all, relax.  You'll likely meet them many more times.  Don't psych yourself out thinking this is an all-or-nothing critical meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Side-note ... many years ago I went to meet SO's parents and was asked &quot;So ... what's so special about &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;?&quot;  Yikes!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T15:31:47.037" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-05T15:37:00.817" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have had this problem for a long time. We rely on the &lt;strong&gt;veto system&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are fine with the same 6 places as normal, ask this question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Where do you &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; want to go?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are someplace new or out of the ordinary or definitely don't want one of your normal places, ask this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Which of the following do you not want to go to...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she wants a specific place from the list she just picks that place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might list 2 or 3 things and then we have an easier choice to make. This also works well in groups of people fairly quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes we'll do this after already saying &quot;anything is good&quot; instead of starting with the veto system.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6830" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T15:37:00.817" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-05T15:52:11.233" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what your friend doesn't understand (and that many other answers are missing) is that &lt;strong&gt;it is &lt;em&gt;work&lt;/em&gt; to figure out where to eat&lt;/strong&gt;, and he's passing that work off to you every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you'd agree &lt;a href=&quot;https://captainawkward.com/2012/09/28/364-should-i-have-a-different-opinion-about-not-having-opinions/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;with Captain Awkward here&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a partner whose answer to “&lt;em&gt;What should we have for dinner?&lt;/em&gt;” was almost always “&lt;em&gt;Whatever you want!&lt;/em&gt;”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time, that answer transformed into what what it really was, “&lt;em&gt;I don’t care&lt;/em&gt;.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the surface, how accommodating and easygoing he was!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time, it was totally fucking irritating. Because “&lt;em&gt;I don’t care&lt;/em&gt;” meant that I had to do all the work of coming up with the plan. There’s actually a lot of mental work that goes into figuring out budgets and groceries and recipes and going to the store and then making the stuff and cleaning up afterwards. There is mental work in picking the restaurant, in making the plans. Not ever having or expressing an opinion means that you are always the passenger and the other people always have to be the driver. They want you to be happy, so they do the mental work of trying to figure out what will please you. Sometimes (as you’ve found out) it’s awesome to be the passenger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've heard other people call this &amp;quot;mental labor&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;mental overhead&amp;quot; or sometimes &amp;quot;emotional labor&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution: tell him this directly: &amp;quot;When I ask you where you want to eat today, I'm not just asking about your preference, I'm also asking you to &lt;strong&gt;contribute to the work of coming up with a plan that will work for both of us&lt;/strong&gt;.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lots of other answers have good ideas for practical methods (one person chooses 3 options, the other person eliminates 1 or 2, etc.), but I think this discussion around the &amp;quot;mental labor&amp;quot; has to happen first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4090" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T15:52:11.233" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5032" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5049" CreationDate="2017-10-05T16:08:53.660" Score="26" ViewCount="21495" Body="&lt;p&gt;I presume there is not much you can do after somebody spoils a movie, but could we say something that may cause them to think before spoiling in the future?  I don't like spoilers which is why I don't read review of movie before I watch them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Citing a recent example, I was going to watch &lt;em&gt;Kingsmen&lt;/em&gt; but a friend  spoiled that for me. It turned out that the spoiler didn't affect much because there were other interesting moments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, &lt;strong&gt;how should I respond without overreacting?&lt;/strong&gt; Is there something I could do or say so that he would know it is unacceptable to spoil movies?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it's a cultural issue but if it matters I am from Nepal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5987" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T12:28:14.377" LastActivityDate="2020-01-19T16:44:03.227" Title="How should I respond to someone who spoiled the movie that I intended to watch?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;nepal&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5020" CreationDate="2017-10-05T16:26:07.793" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Adding to others' answers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, be on time and dress for the part. You can ask your GF what kind of clothes to wear. For example, a suit, or something at least a bit formal. Also, if they invite you for dinner, bring something, like flowers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're a bit awkward, it will be much easier to make a good first impression (after this, they will help you warm up) than to make a bad one and then have to crawl your way up under disapproving stares... Also, looking your best will boost your confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just a small piece of advice, but really important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T16:26:07.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-05T16:51:38.663" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The most important thing here is not &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; decision you make, but &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you make it, &lt;strong&gt;which must be &lt;em&gt;together.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;  You'll endure many crises as a married couple, and good communication will be the key, even in already stressful situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Any&lt;/em&gt; unilateral decision here is a mistake.&lt;/strong&gt;  The two of you will need to make a decision together that you both agree with and can live with (even if that decision turns out to be for you to solve it).  Think of this as your first test together as a married couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're running the dangerous risk right now of forcing a situation of you and your brother &lt;em&gt;against&lt;/em&gt; your fiancee and her friend. You have to remember that your primary attachment going forward is her, not the family you were born into, no matter how close knit it may be.  The details of this particular problem, while thorny, will not matter as much in the long run as whether you did or did not come together as a unit to make the decision that is best for the both of you on your special day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastEditorUserId="4197" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T17:01:41.323" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T17:01:41.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5032" CreationDate="2017-10-05T17:45:19.627" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be frank and be polite.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone starts talking about spoilers just say &quot;No spoilers, I haven't seen the movie yet.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will respect a kind request to not share spoilers.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that if you're the only person who hasn't seen the movie or doesn't want to hear spoilers It's your responsibility to leave, put on headphones, or otherwise make sure you don't hear the spoilers.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, may all your conversations be spoiler free. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-05T18:18:25.260" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T18:18:25.260" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5036" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5039" CreationDate="2017-10-05T18:20:58.270" Score="24" ViewCount="8609" Body="&lt;p&gt;We're a family of three, my mom, my dad and I. My dad's father has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and, based on what we know so far, there's no chance for a recovery and not much life is left in him. Both my grandma and grandpa are over 70 years of age. They moved in with us about three weeks ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to an unexpected incident, my grandpa had to be taken to the hospital in the middle of the night via ambulance about a week ago and is currently undergoing treatment there. However, my grandma continues to stay at home with us, which is very taxing on us emotionally, especially my mom. My dad works overtime practically every day to keep us from going bankrupt, so he often comes home around 10-11pm and by that time his parents had already gone to sleep, so he's barely exposed to anything that's happening between the two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before they moved in we didn't use to have long-winded conversations and we just did our own thing, me doing schoolwork while mom did the chores, and I helped her out whenever she needed it. Now that grandma's with us and us alone, she insists on helping mom, but she is clearly saddened by her husband's state. She would not stop radiating that sadness to my mom in the form of her attitude, and it would seem like her drive to help is fueled by the fact that she has someone to vent to while doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the first day of her husband's unexpected leave, when my grandma asked mom &quot;Is the food ready yet? I'm hungry.&quot; my mom replied &quot;I'm working on it, I cannot cook it any faster&quot; and my grandma told her &quot;Oh, so you don't want to cook for me, I see.&quot; which my mom took great offense on. Just today my mom told my grandma that she might not be awake by the time she returns home from a hospital visit (she was taken there and back by my dad's sister) to which my grandma replied &quot;Oh, so you don't want to let me in, I see.&quot; despite her knowing full well that I will still be home and could let her in regardless. She's also been speaking ill of dad's sister to us behind her back, which my mom also does not appreciate. All of this takes place when I'm not there to hear it myself, and on the rare occasions when I'm part of the conversation such things are never said by her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this looks to me like she's trying to guilt-trip my mom for petty things which are causing a great deal of anger and stress in her. Back when we used to visit them semi-weekly at their old home, grandma and grandpa would constantly argue, and grandpa has even told us recently that he'd rather be dead than deal with her any longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's got to the point where mom asked me to secretly record a conversation between them to let dad know what's going on because she does not want to talk back to grandma due to her unconditional respect for the elderly. While we should generally be understanding with elders, if this trend continues, my mother will be an emotional wreck by next month, and I feel powerless in the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this within the extent of what needs to be tolerated from an older person?&#xA;What could I do to stop grandma from constantly venting to and taking her sadness out on my mom? Is there any advice I could give my mom on how to avoid the stress that comes with the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Clarifications in response to comments&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a white male living in the east of Hungary, and the rest of my family are also white &amp;amp; lived in the same general area their entire life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm only out of the house during school (7am-3pm) on weekdays and home the rest of the time. My mom usually leaves with me and my dad, and she arrives home at about 1pm, so earlier than me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm turning 19 this month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T06:28:21.863" LastActivityDate="2020-07-23T14:19:00.987" Title="Sick grandparent(s) moved in and are now inciting anger and stress" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;illness&gt;&lt;grandparents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5032" CreationDate="2017-10-05T18:24:06.833" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like you, my son hates spoilers. Whenever I bring up a movie that I've seen but he hasn't yet (that he wants to see), as soon as he hears the name of the movie, he just says, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't talk about that movie, I haven't seen it yet, and I don't want any spoilers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm a bit stubborn, so I'll say, &quot;But it won't spoil anything! I just wanted to...&quot; And he'll interrupt and repeat,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't talk about the movie, I want to see it, and I don't want anything to spoil it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point, I'm well aware of his wishes, and that he's right. I'm not offended at all. Sometimes I'll ask him to let me know when he's seen it, and we talk about it then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T18:24:06.833" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3913" CreationDate="2017-10-05T19:04:20.443" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If Bob clearly wants to bring stuff for you guys, find something he makes that you actually really enjoy. Go to the bakery and explore. When you find what you really want, hint to him after you buy it that he should bring the purchased item next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6841" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T19:04:20.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5036" CreationDate="2017-10-05T20:33:22.510" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer is highly dependent on you. Your schedule, your life, what you do, how much are you around the family in any given day; you could be an excellent shield here and that won't be possible if you cannot be around enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom has an 88-year old uncle and his 79-year old wife. I just call them grandma and grandpa because it is easier and we don't have very specific terms for our relations where I am from (India). It is usually just made simpler with a very generic term. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My &quot;grandpa&quot; is deaf, or actually, gone deaf. My grandma is incredibly passive aggressive and lazy and cheap. Not badmouthing the elderly, but that is just how she has always been. She is so self-centered, she acts like she's deaf too. She intentionally acts like she doesn't hear you talk. But when my mom says something that my grandma likes, like money, or food, or jewelry, she can hear better than a bat. But if it is about doing something or buying something, she will just keep saying &quot;whaatt??&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom works. My dad is retired and my uncle (my dad's younger brother) lives with us. Who gets to deal with this fun couple? My dad and uncle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, it is cruel to not help these people out when they've helped my mom when she was little. They are old and incapable of doing much on their own, so there isn't much you can expect of them. They're scared and lonely almost all their time. My grandma keeps talking to herself about what she is going to do when her husband dies. It is sad to watch her mumbling to herself. The grandpa on the other hand was a very athletic person when he was young but now has horrible legs and hearing and eyesight, so that is sad too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How does my dad and my uncle put up with it every day? They actually don't. All they can do is what is expected of them. They cannot be rude, or mean, or disrespectful. But if they have to keep putting up with this, they'd blow their brains out. So when I used to live with them and &quot;grandparents&quot; visited, this is what I used to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sit with them and talk to them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Help around the house.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take them outside the house.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Turn the TV on and let them just sit there and watch their TV shows (of course it has to be at a thousand volume for my deaf grandpa, but it is better than being badmouthed and treated like a slave by my grandma).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically just distract them from driving everyone else in the house nuts. I was 22 when this last happened and I had to be a cushion between my grandparents and my parents. They are so old that in perspective, I was like a child to them. I was always joking around, making them laugh, just generally happy about being alive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that a good bit of the responsibility on keeping things calm falls upon you. As you mentioned, the grandma does not treat your mom badly when you're around, so you be around more. You try to help your mom. You joke around. I know this is a very difficult time for the family and your grandma, but that doesn't mean everyone needs to be in a grumpy mood all the time. You can sit down and talk stories about grandma and grandpa's past, make her feel warm inside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your specific questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is this within the extent of what needs to be tolerated from and older person?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is completely up to each individual person. Culture plays an important part in this too. But generally, no. You don't &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; to tolerate this much. But you can choose not to by not having anything to tolerate. That is what, in my opinion, your goal should be. To reduce the amount of stress thrown your way, not to keep dodging all the stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What could I do to stop grandma from constantly venting to and taking her sadness out on my mom?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Help her take her sadness out on purely the fact that there is sadness in her heart. Help her cope better with this situation and express purely sadness rather than frustrated passive aggressive comments and gossips about your mom and your dad's sister. The best way to do it, as I mentioned earlier, is to reminisce about her past with grandpa. To talk about their fun young times. Make her sad with nostalgia rather than sad and stressed out about how that is all going to be over soon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there any advice I could give my mom on how to avoid the stress that comes with the situation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like your mom could be more understanding of your grandma's pain and act a bit differently that would benefit both of them. Like this sentence right here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm working on it, I cannot cook it any faster&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot cook any faster sounds arrogant and mean (even though she didn't mean it to be). That would make your grandma feel unwelcome in your house. Especially a grandma who is in a lot of pain emotionally. She could rephrase her sentence to something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Almost done, give me a few more minutes&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your mom told your grandma that she won't be awake to let her in, did she finish the sentence with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But don't worry my daughter will be awake and she can let you in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;? If she did, good. But if she didn't, she needs to. You could suggest your mom covers ALL HER BASES whenever she says anything to her. Take the extra effort to sound pleasant and sweet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is not an easy phase for your mom to be going through either, but your mom should be able to change her attitude towards this whole situation a lot easier than your grandma can, given her age, her emotional situation, and her health. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please remember, secretly recording your grandma saying mean stuff to your mom and playing it to your dad is not going to help you in any way. That could backfire heavily in regards to &quot;being insensitive about grandma's difficult time&quot;. Maybe your dad talks to your grandma, maybe he gets upset about grandma's behavior, the end result would eventually not be satisfactory to your mom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your grandma insists on helping your mom just so she can use that time with her to vent, you take her away from the situation. Tell her you'd really like it if she'd sit down and talk to you instead of struggle around the house trying to help. If she is venting to you and being mean to you, it does not really matter. The fact that you wanted to find out what you can do to alleviate this situation in itself shows maturity on your part and you should be able to take some venting. Its at least not your mom and that is what is important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps you help your mom be more relaxed and happy. I also hope your grandparents go through this difficult time of their lives with ease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T06:34:58.117" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T06:34:58.117" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-05T20:40:53.763" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There have been some great suggestions here, but I would add that, if you haven't already, you ask either your brother or Mary what Mary's reaction to Sam's texts has been. Her response (and Sam's reaction) will give you a better idea of what you're dealing with. Namely, whether this is a 'Sam' problem or a 'Sam &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Mary' problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be completely understandable for Mary to be taken aback by Sam's texts and be unsure of how to respond or decide to simply not respond. However, if Sam thinks she's interested, he might need her to directly state that she isn't interested and does not appreciate the texts he's sending. If Sam feels she 'led him on' by her natural behavior combined with giving him her contact information, that message alone might take care of the issue of whether or not this blows up at your wedding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue of Lucy's fiancée sending suggestive texts to a nineteen year old he just met is another problem that will eventually need to be addressed, but not necessarily by you and not necessarily while everyone is focused on your wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Mary doesn't want to respond to Sam, then she and your brother need to discuss why that is. If she is having fun with it, then its really up to your brother on whether he wants to accept that or not. If she thinks its harmless/not a big deal, then again, your brother has to decide if he's okay with that or not. If something like this is the case, then its a 'Sam &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Mary' problem and depending on how your brother wants to handle it, Mary might end up being the half of the problem that is removed from the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Mary is afraid of Sam for any reason, then it becomes time for you and your fiancée to decide if its worth having Sam at your wedding and whether your fiancée would actually prefer to inform her friend about Sam's behavior now rather than later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what you decide to do, I would suggest making sure your fiancée is filled in on any possible growing drama before the wedding, especially since it will involve one of her best friends and her brother-in-law. Which do you think will upset her more, knowing this situation is going on throughout the wedding but having nothing happen (or something happen that she was prepared for), or having this situation blow up at your wedding when she had no idea and then finding out she was the last to know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6343" LastActivityDate="2017-10-05T20:40:53.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5043" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5032" CreationDate="2017-10-06T02:17:51.740" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the trick is to have a broader pattern of &quot;what's acceptable&quot; with people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe its cause I'm a Doctor Who fan - but a good chunk of folk I know just use the River Song approach to dealing with spoilers - good naturedly interrupting by saying or typing SPOILERS!. We all know what it means and least in the geeky community, it works fairly well with minimal fuss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when it happens, just go &quot;duuude, SPOILERS! I wanted to find that out for myself!&quot; Keep it light, and don't make a &lt;em&gt;big&lt;/em&gt; fuss over it. Just make sure the lines are clear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Citing a recent example, I was going to watch Kingsmen but a friend spoiled that for me. It turned out that the spoiler didn't affect much because there were other interesting moments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's also important. A movie or a book just isn't about the skeleton of the plot (unearthed in a spoiler) but also, what you &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; about it. Its about the visuals, the acting (good or bad!) and so on. Even if part of the plot is spoiled, clearly, it didn't affect your enjoyment that much (amusingly one of the things that kingsmen's sequel did was &lt;em&gt;spoil a plot twist&lt;/em&gt; right in the trailers). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2745" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T02:17:51.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5032" CreationDate="2017-10-06T03:10:57.527" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am ... a little confused.  The spoiler guy is a friend of yours, hence I'd imagine you are pretty familiar with back-and-forth between you.  Has not your friend ever done something you didn't want repeated before?  The answer to this question is almost entirely dependent on the style of speech you and your friend typically use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With most of my friends, the correct thing to say would be &quot;If you spoil another movie for me there will be mindless, cartoon-like violence.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some gentler friends, to whom I'd say &quot;Hey [name], please be more careful about the movie spoilers, 'kay?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See where I'm coming from?  &lt;strong&gt;The basic message is 'do not do that again'; you just have to phrase it appropriately to your friendship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T03:10:57.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5045" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-06T05:05:41.273" Score="25" ViewCount="3749" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a Software Engineering class in college. Person A likes to be the voice of everyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I would ask &quot;What do you think of this?&quot; And without any discussion and a very immediate response from person A, &quot;We aren't doing that.&quot; All of a sudden, the voice of Person A is the voice of everyone and isn't open for suggestions. This instance has every meeting my group has had over the semester.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this something I should ignore since it is just a group project or should I confront it if it happens again next time? What is the best way to handle this situation? It irritates me as I like to bring suggestions to a group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6856" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T08:47:19.283" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T11:37:54.593" Title="How should I handle the &quot;loudest&quot; voice in a group project?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;college&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-02-21T15:31:26.030" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5045" CreationDate="2017-10-06T05:36:06.560" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;In most any organization 10% of the people do 90% of the work... Sometimes taking a &quot;management role&quot; is a way to get away with that. Sometimes these people feel like they're &quot;natural leaders.&quot; a variation of &quot;I'm a thinker, not a doer&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience it's worth openly challenging these people. When they say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We aren't doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A fun response would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Who's &quot;we&quot;? Got a mouse in your pocket?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not the most polite response, but it sets these people back far enough to get your point out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another, perhaps more polite, way to deal with it is to directly ask the other members of the group:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, SoAndSo keeps saying &quot;we&quot;, do you agree with them and/or are you ok with them speaking for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly some people will just go along with whatever the self-proclaimed leader wants to do, because they don't want to make waves, they just want to get through the assignment. Sometimes asking them directly forces their hand into having an opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T05:36:06.560" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5032" CreationDate="2017-10-06T06:11:02.143" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simply tell him to not narrate the events of the film to you. And if he does close your ears with your fingers and if he still continues walk away if you are really serious about not spoiling the film for yourself. Your friend should get the hint that you are really serious about this. And if he still continues you need to reconsider what type of friendship you have with this person. Usually when I tell my friends or colleagues to not do this they don't. I hope your friend is also that much considerable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now he has already ruined the film simply tell him not to do this in future and you are really serious about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="504" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T06:11:02.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5048" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5045" CreationDate="2017-10-06T07:03:12.467" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's more in 2 brains than in 1. So, you can (and always should) listen to anyone &lt;em&gt;willing to improve for group's sake&lt;/em&gt;. Do you have to stick to what they unilaterally decide? I don't think so...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I always did (and still do) when I was facing such a issue, was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have a scheduled meeting with all the points that were to be discussed / disputed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Send a reminder to everyone involved, and ask for suggestion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stick to the set agenda for the meeting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go around the table, asking everyone if they have something to say.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you have time to prepare and finalise the points and the report. It helps the group, as every person involved has a chance to intervene and explain their POV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the meeting start, a quick reminder of the points and schedule is important. This way, people will know they can't move around, and dilute or go off track.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, you can discuss every point. I really recommend that you &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt; listen to what this naysayer has to say, and want to do. When you know what's good and what's not (take notes while they're speaking), you can challenge what has just been said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stick to the facts. Nothing personal. Make it business matters.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point #1: helps having more people involved, and a frame for the meeting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point #2: helps having more suggestions and pros-and-cons before.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point #3: prevents from having off-topic matters and (often) rants.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point #4: strenghten the needs for everyone to be part of the group and talk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the &quot;loudest voice&quot; gives great advice, take it! If not, your counter-arguments have to be better than his. If you need a leader for this particular group, he'll stand up by himself &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; of its added value to the group, not because of its loudest tone :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, the last round of the table: you ask everyone their opinion about the best way to handle every point you've just discussed. A meeting is like democracy, it needs a frame, some talks, and some &quot;leaders&quot;, people who will first organize, work, think... Whatever is good for the group, at the moment. But all have to be involved. And the group needs to use each individual strength and qualities for the group's sake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Navigating TheWorkplace.SE, I found this related topic: &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/81954/how-to-handle-the-situations-where-talkative-colleague-dominates&quot;&gt;how to handle the situations where talkative colleague dominates&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Side note: in a meeting, I often saw people not being part of the discussion all of a sudden talk and make a decision! How and why? Because when the &quot;big mouth&quot; had just ended, you go around the table and just ask: &lt;em&gt;who is taking that part? wants to write this part of the code?&lt;/em&gt; If they don't like the idea, then, finally, they'll speak up, because they don't like the idea and don't want to do it the way the &quot;big mouth&quot; said it would be...&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T09:15:22.093" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T09:15:22.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5032" CreationDate="2017-10-06T07:06:14.180" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;After your friend spoilered the movie for you, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tell him about the effect it had/has on you:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You were/are going to watch the movie yourself and were looking forward to it. By revealing possibly important plot points, he somewhat ruined the movie for you. You feel like you won't enjoy the movie as much (maybe not at all) as you would have without that prior knowledge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;present a future way out:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggest to him to ask you if you have seen a (new) movie already and want to see it. In general, he should warn you of Spoilers beforehand, so that you still have the opportunity to intervene and say that he shouldn't tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your response should focus not on what &lt;strong&gt;he&lt;/strong&gt; did wrong, but on the effect it has on &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;. Stay calm, do not overreact (there's no need for that). Tell him, how it makes you feel without accusing him of wrongdoing. He won't feel attacked this way, but he will understand that what he does is wrong and hurts a friend - you are friends after all, so he should care. You furthermore present him with an option to avoid spoilering movies for you in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T07:06:14.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5050" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5069" CreationDate="2017-10-06T07:39:59.503" Score="41" ViewCount="20948" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I'm about to describe is in relation to this &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4632/how-can-i-tell-a-friend-they-need-to-help-with-what-they-promised-because-what-t&quot;&gt;How can I tell a friend they need to help with what they promised because what they promised can&amp;#39;t wait?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend and I decided to help out an overwhelmed friend Lily who has already adopted several cats by adopting a male cat, she found outside her house. We agreed to do this because Lily was going to cover the cat's expenses including the neutering. She has been doing that for multiple cats that don't get adopted and are released, so my boyfriend figured she's trustworthy. I had my reservations and from day one I had a feeling she wouldn't deliver on her promise. &#xA;Several months went by, and Lily did nothing to take care of what she promised. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I talked to my boyfriend about confronting Lily. In the meantime, I found a place that would neuter the cat for free, two weeks or so ago. I tell my boyfriend who initially prevented me from doing that (cat wouldn't get picked up the same day) by suggesting we wait for him to borrow the money to take the cat to a vet near our house so we can pick up him up the same day.&#xA;However, due to changes in his work schedule, he has to wake up early in the morning and because we are both worried about the cats mating, we separated them. That didn't work. We are awakened every day by the female cat scratching the door and the male crying. I'm stressed out. &#xA;My boyfriend finally admitted that I should have made an appointment with the non profit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I call again and make the appointment. Unfortunately, this is going to be ten days from now. So again, without this being my fault, I thought of possible solutions. I asked my boyfriend's mom but she couldn't take the cat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I couldn't keep Lily off my mind. I finally couldn't resist and told my boyfriend that it is really unfair for me not to be able to sleep because he won't confront Lily. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In my opinion, you need to call Lily and tell her that your schedule&#xA;  at work has changed. You need to be able to sleep. Ask her to&#xA;  take the cat until we find a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm upset with my boyfriend's indecision and having to deal with the consequences, but I'm more upset with Lily and, &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt;, whether it's my job or not, would like to confront her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell my boyfriend &quot;I told you so&quot; (about the whole thing) without sounding rude and &lt;strong&gt;then that I would like to take care of this &lt;em&gt;my way&lt;/em&gt; or I don't want to hear about the cats waking him up ever again?&lt;/strong&gt; (He gets angry easily especially when I mention Lily).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My way&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to call Lily. Ideally, I would like to send her a message asking her to take the male cat until we find a place that will neuter him for free (I don't want to tell her I have found one yet to see what she's going to do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-10T14:07:48.037" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T14:07:48.037" Title="How can I tell my boyfriend &quot;I told you so&quot; without sounding too full of myself?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;responsibility&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5045" CreationDate="2017-10-06T08:06:52.803" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also studied software engineering, and had a similar situation. This people tend to be difficult, because they often believe that they are the best in the group and only their opinions/decisions matter (that was what happened in my cases).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this something I should ignore since it is just a group project or should I confront it if it happens again next time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Definitely confront it. You are a group. Even if in the end everyone wants to do what Person A said, the thing to do is to first listen to every idea/opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All of a sudden, the voice of Person A is the voice of everyone and isn't open for suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is quite common as well. If the other members are lazy they'll go with whatever someone says. If they are less assertive than Person A, they'll feel intimidated and will remain silent to avoid conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the best way to handle this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have done in these situations is clearly explain to the person that we are a group and we will hear every opinion/idea. Person A needs to understand that other people can have valuable ideas to the group that are different that theirs. If Person A insists that their opinion is the only valid choice, make them explain themselves, to give reasons why. And after that, let the rest express their opinion about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speak in a way that you leave it clear that you won't be doing what Person A says just because they say it, and if you do is only because everyone thinks is a good idea. Also speak in a way that your teammates understand that their opinions/ideas are valid and wanted. This may delay your actual task a lot, but is the best for the group, and for everyone, because they are learning how to work in a real life group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5638" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T08:06:52.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T08:08:55.270" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, starting a conversation that meant to be &quot;i told you so&quot; is going to cause more harm. It is not resolving the problem and yet will worsen the relationship between you and your boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you can talk to him in a nicer tone, with points as such :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are worried about him not getting good sleep.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Convince him to let you try &quot;my way&quot; method.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You wanted to help, and you want to resolve the problem asap.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him your &quot;my way&quot; approach and if is ok if his relationship with Lily turns sour, as it probably would.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boyfriend understands and give you the green light, you may proceed with &quot;my way&quot;, which i personally would do the same as you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can emphasize your message with additional info, but be warned the following info will totally burn bridges. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her the disappointment of she not providing any help when your boyfriend cat is sick.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being kind is good, but please do it within your own limit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Her kindness is causing problem to others. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, stay calm, focus on the problem rather than doing the &quot;I told you so&quot; to your boyfriend. It gains nothing but harm to your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3285" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T08:08:55.270" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5053" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-06T08:45:31.537" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Group interactions often have different dynamics and rules than one on one interaction. Use this tag to indicate that your question occurs in a group setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-24T20:05:45.000" LastActivityDate="2019-05-24T20:05:45.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5054" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-06T08:45:31.537" Score="0" Body="Use this tag to ask about interpersonal skills or problems focused on interactions within a group of people as opposed to a one on one interaction. " OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T19:10:11.427" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T19:10:11.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T08:50:10.377" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short answer: you can't. There is no non-smug way to say the words &quot;I told you so&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boyfriend is smart, he already knows. If you want to be part of the solution, you need to avoid arguing about it and likely he'll admit the error. And even if you want him to sort out his own mess, being smug about it can have the opposite effect of making the other person dig their heels in, refuse to accept the blunder and continue on the same path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T08:50:10.377" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T08:50:12.273" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's obvious that this situation has gone on too long (you're having a &lt;em&gt;nervous breakdown&lt;/em&gt; because of some cats). Since you're on the verge of exasperation, I think you have the right to give him an ultimatum. It doesn't have to be aggressive; just state firmly the plain facts and your resolution to put an end to this inconvenient situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's been [two? Three?] weeks since we decided to neuter the cats and nothing has really happened since then. You can'really should sleep better and enough to wake up that early in the morning, while I am about to have a breakdown due to the fatigue. We'll do it your way for another [5] days. If there won't be an appointment with the vet by then, I will handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explicitly telling him &quot;I told you so&quot; might create unnecessary friction between the two of you, thus slowing the process of finding a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding Lily, I suggest to just forget about her and do as if the cat was yours. Your description depicts a person with a big heart but not so conscious of what she can really do, and as all of us know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Maybe it could be better for you to have a relationship with her that doesn't involve her taking care of material things She's probably a lovely person; just take the best out of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T08:50:12.273" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4703" CreationDate="2017-10-06T08:56:27.577" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;My completely eastern european scientist perspective on this is very simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask him directly in private.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just this, and only this. Measure Your tone and facial expression so that it doesn't influence his answer in any direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As other people already pointed out, intimate relationships and everything about them tends to be extremely complicated. My opinion is that most of these complications are created by:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- people needlessly guesstimating things they can just check&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- people not talking honestly and sincerely when they &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; talk honestly and sincerely&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get a direct answer from him and proceed according to Your wishes (but always in a direct and gentle manner).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3395" LastEditorUserId="3395" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T10:39:50.277" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T10:39:50.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5045" CreationDate="2017-10-06T08:59:45.793" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It really depends on the reaction of the rest of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A response should be like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't you want to discuss your decision with the whole group first, before answering? I give you 5 minutes to discuss this within the team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would be a polite solution and remind them that they are a team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3438" LastEditorUserId="3930" LastEditDate="2017-10-07T11:37:54.593" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T11:37:54.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-06T10:24:15.620" Score="4" Body="&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;      Bridegroom (39yo)                           Bride&#xA;          |                                         |&#xA;          |                                         |&#xA;younger bro ←→ MARY (19yo)     ⇠     SAM (32yo) ←→ Lucy (bestie)   &#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wedding could be ruined by tears, fighting, and flying accusations. &lt;em&gt;Could&lt;/em&gt; being the operative word here, so in light of recent events, you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; do the following...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My main thought is to do that via text, so I don't have to see him in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a bad idea, this is a sensitive issue and whatever course of action you do decide on needs to be said in person. This is the classic &lt;em&gt;take the bull by its horns&lt;/em&gt; moment in your life, and the sooner it is dealt with the better. Call and fix a meeting with Sam. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you both meet, above all be calm, be the voice of reason and if need be, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.alchemyformanagers.co.uk/topics/fWeFpZvVfsPY3d92.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;speak in a lower pitch&lt;/a&gt;, this will convey authority and assertiveness. Remind yourself what your main aim is; a wedding that goes without a hitch. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell Sam that you know about his texts to Mary, and that her boyfriend– your brother–is also aware. Inform Sam that Mary is not interested in him, she may have inadvertently given him that impression but now she bitterly regrets it (this is an assumption, but it sounds plausible). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he protests and says you have the right to meddle in his affairs, he might, reply you will tell your bride-to-be,  who in turn will &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;have to&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; tell Lucy, her close friend, the horrible truth about her beloved fiancé. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell Sam that if he's not into Lucy then he should do the honorable thing and break up with her, better now than at the wedding reception when she'll find out about his texts, or worse, see him lusting after Mary. He might be able to get a refund of flights and hotel fees if he cancels his bookings with 7 days' notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sam might well be shocked in hearing how many already know about his &quot;illicit&quot; flirting with a girl barely out of her teens. If he cares about Lucy, he's learned his lesson, and he will be attentive and loving toward her on the OP's big wedding day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What happens between Lucy and Sam after the wedding should no longer concern you. Chances are Sam will not mend his ways, and Lucy will find out sooner or later his true colors. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good Luck and All the Very Best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-10-08T09:43:44.207" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T09:43:44.207" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5060" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-06T10:33:43.717" Score="8" ViewCount="3024" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a big company, I have a colleague from another sector, who (I think) has some kind of problem in speaking. I really can't understand what he says and every time he talks to me, I just keep smiling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally, our exchanges are social but sometimes it's  work-related. Fortunately,  I don't produce software for him at the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Occasionally it's embarrassing for me, so how should I handle this situation? He's the superior in his sector.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How does someone interact with a colleague if they can understand only 5% of the things he says?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3858" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T11:22:31.390" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T04:22:49.810" Title="How to interact with a colleague if you understand only 5% of what he says?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5045" CreationDate="2017-10-06T10:51:32.610" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Meet individually with the other team members. Do your brainstorming and have your discussions when you're individually meeting with each one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when you meet with him as a group, you can see if his reasoning coincides with yours as a group. It may be that it does, in which case, all is good. It could be that he's just faster at making good decisions than your group is (which is super annoying, but it's actually not the end of the world) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if your group doesn't agree with his reasoning, or if his reasoning doesn't make sense, and if he is unwilling to explain his reasoning, your fellow group members are much more likely to intervene if you had that discussion with them already without the loud guy being present. I believe that would help a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But a couple of caveats, note that CS projects are hard and take a lot of time, don't be stuck in committee mode for too long. Do not openly defy him yet, for all you know, he could become your only remaining partner if the others don't do their job properly and drop the course. Now I'm not saying that's going to happen, but it's just that during a CS project, you just don't know who is going to make it and who isn't.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T10:51:32.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5045" CreationDate="2017-10-06T11:12:26.420" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First you need more information about why he acts like that. Possibilities include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He really knows best but sucks at management&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He has no idea what he's doing but enjoys being the leader so he's bluffing&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He's expecting a challenge to his authority, and won't respect you until you assert yourself&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would ask &quot;What do you think of this?&quot; And without any discussion and a very immediate response from person A, &quot;We aren't doing that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can answer &quot;I would like to know your reasons for reaching this decision.&quot; or something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I would like to&quot; provides a non-confrontational opening, while framing it so that if he doesn't answer, he's being rude to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;your reasons&quot; implies that you know he's not acting on a whim. It's flattering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you're still asking the question. Don't leave till he answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T11:12:26.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5032" CreationDate="2017-10-06T11:12:59.353" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had this problem before, and for me, the solution was the other way around: I learned to cope (mostly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, it depends on the exact contents of the spoiler, but to continue with your example, there was a certain revalation about a thirdway into that movie that was &lt;em&gt;heavily&lt;/em&gt; hinted at in most movie posters and other promotional material. I don't think I would call a confirmation of that fact a spoiler. To me there isn't much difference between sitting in my seat thinking &quot;Will it happen? And if so, when?&quot; compared to &quot;When will it happen?&quot; Immersion is kind of broken either way (boo to the marketers on that account).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same with general gists of the movie (that the main antagonist is a drug lord, for instance, or that there are Awesome Action Sequences&lt;sup&gt;TM&lt;/sup&gt;) or anything else that the movie itself doesn't really try to hide, like the devastating events that happen around the 20 minute mark (I didn't time it, but I think that's about right).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That event is even less of a spoiler considering how it's an important part of storytelling in general, so you should almost be expecting it, or something like it (without having seen studies, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the timing of events like this, kicking the movie into gear, and announcing that Shit Got Real&lt;sup&gt;TM&lt;/sup&gt; are within a few percent of one another from movie to movie, at least conventional blockbusters)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, there are, during the course of the film, hints that there might be hidden agendas, or there might not be. I would not want to know the truth of those ahead of time, because that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; something the movie is trying to hide. We are &lt;em&gt;meant&lt;/em&gt; to be uncertain. Smaller stuff, like the initial stages of the antagonists plan are also spoilers, because they change the way you see sequences of people using drugs in the movie, but it's not a major point. Also, the film itself hints to the connection earlier, so if you're paying attention to those hints you will have figured it out already by the time it's relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once I realised all of the things I'm saying here, navigating the jungle of reviews and friends who had already seen the movie, and expecially social media where anything could happen was a lot easier, because they do usually have the sense to avoid spoiling the big twists. Also, this might not help you, but studies have shown that enjoyment of movies increases when you know the basic gist of what's going on, because you can focus on watching the movie rather than frantically trying to keep up with all the plot points because you don't know what might be relevant, and what might be important. Certainly, my life quality improved marginally when I became less afraid of (minor) spoilers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that everyone are different. For instance, my sister is &lt;em&gt;adamant&lt;/em&gt; that she never wants anything spoiled, ever, and I don't believe she will ever be able to change her mind the way I changed mine. So this might help you, it might not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1964" LastEditorUserId="1964" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T11:29:20.733" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T11:29:20.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5060" CreationDate="2017-10-06T11:15:15.640" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;People with a speech impediment are usually aware that they are hard to understand so they are usually very patient when asked to repeat themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you don't have to rely on this person to do your job, I would advise patience from your side as well. The more you interact with them, the easier it will become to understand them. Don't be afraid to ask them to repeat themselves but make sure you're not being rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once had a patient that spoke very softly and had an issue pronouncing certain words (slurred speech). Imagine how hard it is for a psychiatrist to not be able to understand their patient. He was happy to repeat and even say something a bit louder. After a couple of sessions, I was able to understand him fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T11:15:15.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5065" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5075" CreationDate="2017-10-06T11:17:12.797" Score="21" ViewCount="10693" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I ride my bicycle I often drink a lot of water because I get thirsty and like to keep hydrated, my bicycle can only fit a single bottle holder because the front derailleur is mounted in such a way to prohibit a second bottle cage from being mounted, so therefore I can only take a single bottle with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend has enough space for two bottles, but I feel extremely rude if I ask him if I'm allowed some of his second water because he has done the hard work of carrying it all the way and I am just going to drink it without repaying him in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask my friend if I'm allowed some of his water without getting into an argument or offending him, should I offer to carry some of his stuff in my jersey pocket so he has less weight on him on the way back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6279" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-26T16:41:22.697" LastActivityDate="2019-03-26T16:41:22.697" Title="How do I ask my friend for some of his water on a long bicycle ride without offending him?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5065" CreationDate="2017-10-06T11:23:21.977" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see how this is something one can be offended about. As such I think you are seriously overthinking this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask him, &quot;Hey, can I have some of your water&quot;, or &quot;Hey, I only have room for one bottle on my bike, would you mind putting one on yours?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are friends, you are in this together, so working together and helping eachother shouldn´t be an offensive thing to suggest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However&lt;/strong&gt;, since you are asking a favour, you have to be able to accept no for an answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, it is relevant when you ask this. If you know before you leave that the one bottle you have is insufficient for your needs and that it is hard to refill it on the road, you should communicate before leaving whether it is ok, instead of while you are on the road.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because that is the moment that you are able to deal with getting a 'no' appropriately. That is, getting alternative ways of carrying an additional bottle yourself, offering to rearranging the load, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T11:39:21.420" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T11:39:21.420" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-06T11:29:39.960" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is bad enough looking back at wedding photographs and seeing people you are no longer friends with (it happens, sadly) without seeing somebody who actually makes your skin crawl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having him there will ruin your day, you'll be on edge all day worrying about possible encounters and drama. You have to un-invite him, and if done the correct way it will not come across like you are striking back for revenge, which it doesn't sound like you are. He has done something inappropriate, he is to blame. People who try and get away with stuff like this behind their partner's back are often narcissists and they don't believe they will have to face consequences for their actions. Explain to him calmly that because of what he has done it is no longer possible to have him as a guest at the wedding because of the upset it would cause to other guests to whom you are more closely related. It might even bring him to his senses to learn the lesson that if he behaves like a jackass people WILL find out and he WILL have to face up to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope your wedding day is amazing!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T11:29:39.960" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5065" CreationDate="2017-10-06T11:37:07.140" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I ask my friend for some of his water ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask, nicely, he's your friend :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why would he say no?! Ask him before you leave, and offer to carry some of his stuff in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also just buy a jacket. Many triathlon/cycling jackets offer some back-pockets, for up to 2 bottles. Google is your best friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-31T16:03:37.090" LastActivityDate="2018-12-31T16:03:37.090" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T11:41:56.173" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will get at the actual question below, but first let me start with a frame challenge:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are mad at the wrong person!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really want this to be about Lilly, but in reality the problem here is your BF. Forget about Lilly. She does not know you nor care about you, and you can't expect that she will help with this entire mess. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, should better care about how you feel. He has gotten you into this, and so far he has acted pretty selfishly. Focus on that, because that is a fixable issue. Consider Lilly an outside factor that cannot be influenced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on what you wrote, I would speculate that a lot of the issue comes from this being a bigger deal to you than to your boyfriend. You are evidently &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; stressed out about this, but I feel if your boyfriend would feel even remotely the same level of stress he would have acted already. On a slight tangent, I think a lot of interpersonal issues are caused by such an asymmetry in who needs to fix an issue and who suffers from it. You BF caused the problem and should fix it, but apparently you are the one suffering more from it. In an ideal world this should make it a high priority for your BF to fix, but in practice it often doesn't. Your feelings that this is unfair only make it worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What, I think, is in order is a frank discussion between you and your BF that this is a &lt;strong&gt;big deal to you&lt;/strong&gt;, and that you expect him to fix this mess ASAP - and then let him fix it in any way he sees fit as long as it happens &lt;strong&gt;right now&lt;/strong&gt; and actually fixes the issue. Don't get bogged down in the operatives of what to do about this. If he gets Lilly to pay, wonderful. If he pays himself, with money that he finds or borrows, just as well, as long as you get back to normal within the shortest time possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If he does not act ASAP you have every right to be assertive (what we guys unfortunately like calling &quot;being a bitch&quot;). Don't back down, and don't take excuses. He caused this, it's ok if it is inconvenient, expensive, or annoying for him to fix.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This brings me to your initial question, how to tell your boyfriend that you were right. &lt;strong&gt;You don't.&lt;/strong&gt; You show him by not letting him off the hook for dealing with the consequences of ignoring your initial advise. This is how we learn - we do stupid things, and then we need to deal with the consequences. Unfortunately this does not give you the satisfaction of telling him you were right, but alas sometimes it is better to gloat internally and let certain things unsaid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6272" LastEditorUserId="6272" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T11:51:41.603" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T11:51:41.603" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T11:52:28.500" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Avoid reminding him that you saw this coming. At least while the problem is still there.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead focus on solutions to the current problem. Pointing fingers will not help in any way except making you feel good for a minute or two at the expense of your boyfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the neuter has been performed and he's had a few full nights rest you can remind him if you really want to claim credit and bring up the object lesson about dealing with stuff early instead of letting it develop into a bigger issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tough out being sleep deprived for a week or two (at least if the job is not safety critical). It's not going to be fun .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6635" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T11:52:28.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T12:01:31.593" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't need to point out to him right now that he's in over his depth. As you identify, that will most likely make your situation worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, you need to be thinking of strategies to fix or improve the situation, not apportion blame. In a constructive environment, you might between you find something that helps. Even with these strategies, you need to present the 'problem' as the situation the two cats are in rather than a result of human interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once the situation is resolved (and you've finally sold the kittens), then you can &lt;strong&gt;think&lt;/strong&gt; it if makes sense to bring up the issue that Lily has some issues and needs help. At no point do you need to 'claim' a moral victory, simply addressing the root cause will make it clear that you had recognised it earlier on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="78" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T12:01:31.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5072" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5060" CreationDate="2017-10-06T12:05:20.513" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a friend during college whose speech was difficult to understand.&#xA;Here's what I used to do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asked him to repeat whatever he just said if I didn't understand&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Could you please say that again?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Repeat what I just understood with a undertone of a question&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Friend: So I went to the fair&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Me: Oh! So you went to the fair?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Friend: Yes&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was wrong, he would be prompted to repeat, so I would get another chance to understand him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The final thing to do is keep the conversation going on. As time will pass, you will understand your colleague better (as you mention others who have been with this colleague for longer now understand him)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: Take care not to make them repeat them too many times as it may disrupt their flow, or make them angry. Use your questions calculatively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="142" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T12:05:20.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5060" CreationDate="2017-10-06T13:56:39.903" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If he has a speech impediment, or a medical history that is causing a slur in his speech then that is very unfortunate. The humanitarian response is to treat them the same as you would treat anybody else, naturally. That includes being honest with them - so if you want the exchanges to continue and improve you are going to have to say something along the lines of &quot;You know, I enjoy our conversations but sometimes I can't make out all of your words&quot;. You may then get an explanation for this speech problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, treating them the same as you would anybody else means that you may for some other reason not want as much attention from him as you get. It is possible that by being polite out of social awkwardness you are inviting the attention you get from him. If this is the case you still need to address it the same way - only when you understand him can you steer the conversation, and the friendship / working relationship in the direction you want it to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T13:56:39.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5045" CreationDate="2017-10-06T14:19:33.013" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the OP it mentions that Person A, when provided with a suggestion, rebuffs/resist it ('We're not doing that!').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do they offer alternative?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience many of these 'loud' personalities are quick to block, but not so quick to provide a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ARE offering a solution, just say 'Great ... when can you deliver that?' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explore the suggestion and ask lots of detailed questions .... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6882" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T14:19:33.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5065" CreationDate="2017-10-06T14:22:07.647" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speaking as a former competitive cyclist and triathlete-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask. Once or twice is not going to be a big deal, and unless your friend is sick or has some kind of germ fears, he is probably just going to say &quot;sure, no problem.&quot; As far as the work to carry it, the weight is negligible in the overall scheme of bike+rider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it keeps happening over and over, then it is likely to become annoying for the both of you. Eventually you'll you need to find a longer term solution to be able to carry more fluid. You mentioned you can only fit a single bottle in your holder, but there are many alternative hydration solutions and packing that you can explore:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stuff an extra water bottle in your jersey. (If you're going to be cycling for long on a hot day, freeze one and put it in your jersey: it'll keep you cool while it melts.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use a seat carrier for your bottles, which can carry two bottles at once. Personally I prefer the ones that angle to point the water bottles out backwards a bit so they don't rub, but a basic one may look like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/zJjds.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/zJjds.jpg&quot; width=&quot;200&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My next favorite, especially for mountain biking, would be the Camelbak. It has an added advantage in that it can be used anywhere and has added pockets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/hg64R.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/hg64R.jpg&quot; width=&quot;200&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorUserId="3556" LastEditDate="2019-01-03T20:22:20.903" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T20:22:20.903" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T14:27:45.607" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;At a point in a conversation where any reasonable person would say &quot;I told you so&quot; except they don't say it because they don't want to sound smug, you say &quot;I'm not saying it&quot;. Your boyfriend will know what exactly you are not saying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T14:27:45.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5065" CreationDate="2017-10-06T14:32:37.223" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does he ever drink up both bottles, or does he usually have some to spare? If he drinks both bottles, you should carry your own second bottle somewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't drink both bottles, and you know he has water to spare, offer to carry something of roughly equivalent weight at the beginning of the trip so he's not lugging all that water 'for you'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, Bob, can I have water from your second water bottle if you have some to spare? I'd be happy to carry your (x) on the ride.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he says, &quot;Yes, of course&quot; to the water and, &quot;No, that's fine&quot; to the offer to carry something else, he's genuinely not bothered by the request and there's no need to feel rude. But if he says, &quot;no, not today, I need it&quot; - ever - it's time to carry your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T14:32:37.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5045" CreationDate="2017-10-06T15:13:58.577" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't accept the immediate pushback.  Smile, and say &quot;A, it doesn't work like that.  Okay, we have one proposal on the table.  Let's gather more ideas and then hash it out.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Address everyone in turn -- including A -- as if A hadn't spoken, and get their suggestions.  Write 'em up on whiteboard/blackboard/paper.  Iterate through them all, getting pro &amp;amp; con on each.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll end up with a better solution that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T15:13:58.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5065" CreationDate="2017-10-06T15:35:26.823" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, I'd start by just asking, but it seems to me that you're dealing with an anxiety issue I've combated in my life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel very uncomfortable asking anybody for pretty much anything. I've had friends get hilariously exasperated with me because of this- on one memorable occasion I was staying at a hostel while visiting Chicago, and the guys in the group I was spending most of my time with assumed I was staying with an old hockey teammate. When they found out that wasn't the case, two of them made it very clear I was always welcome to stay with them- one even had a spare bedroom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To combat this, I've started asking myself the following question- Would I consider this an unreasonable request if somebody asked me? If I had a friend visiting, would he be welcome to stay with me? If the answer is yes, it's probably ok to ask the question- regardless of the answer, it isn't going to be taken as rude, or me imposing on them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in your case, I'd ask myself, if my friend was thirsty after a hard bike ride, needed water, and I had some, would I share it? Certainly! So be polite, but just ask, and if your friend is somehow mortally offended and this question destroys your relationship, you might have to consider moving on from the relationship, because that would be an exceptionally bizarre reaction to a simple request. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also recommend packing more water if you can, but remind yourself that it is ok to ask for help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2001" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T15:35:26.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5060" CreationDate="2017-10-06T16:14:44.500" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is from my experience talking with people who don't speak fluent English, so maybe it will help or maybe not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you said you can only understand 5% but I don't know if that means you can understand a single word or anything. But if you can pick out a noun/verb, the best way I've found is to ask Yes / No Questions. If you understood 5% of what he's saying, you could try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(mumble) weather (mumble)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, I think it's suppose to rain today, did you bring an umbrella?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;It's a beautiful day today, sad to be stuck indoors today, right?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you can't understand from the tone of the sentence or any words at all, or read any context clues, you can try&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Sorry, I only heard the word &amp;quot;weather,&amp;quot; were you asking what the&#xA;forecast was like today?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;wait for him to nod or shake his head. Or even just hand them a pencil and paper. Or whiteboard + marker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe try to pay attention to to the context, like if you're both in the break room about to make coffee, maybe he's warning you there aren't any more cups or telling you where the creme/sugar is, or offering to brew some decaf? But definitely try to use context clues if it's possible and ask based off that? But this is only if you feel like talking to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6888" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T16:14:44.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-06T16:47:34.040" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If Sam takes part in the wedding&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your brother will be on edge. Even if their relationship is rock solid, he will still instinctively watch out for his partner to protect them from unwanted advances by an ex-convict with a history of violence. There are even answers here that suggest he should not get too drunk. I say he should get as drunk as is appropriate for his brother's wedding, not as drunk as is appropriate for being in a situation where a man with a history of violence, probably drunk, is hitting on his girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This not-fully-enjoying-it will of course also apply to any person that is &quot;hired&quot; to watch Sam, so this job would only really be appropriate for somebody you actually pay for this reason. It would also be weird to spend more money on one single guest who is &lt;em&gt;worse&lt;/em&gt; than the other guests.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lucy is a &quot;close friend&quot; of your fiancee. Now, whenever they will look at the wedding photos together, she will see &lt;em&gt;that cheating douchebag&lt;/em&gt; with a dash of &lt;em&gt;so-embarassing-everyone-around-me-knew&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lucy could find out at the wedding, then you'll have some real drama going on. This might only be a small chance, but consider Murphy's law.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to me it seems unambiguous that&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Sam can't come to the wedding&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sam is already invited, so for him to not come, he needs to be told not to come. The only persons who can tell him that are you, your wife, and Lucy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you threaten him, e.g. with exposing him to Lucy, there's too high of a chance that he will still come.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he is &quot;officially&quot; uninvited, the information will get from Sam via Lucy to your wife. You won't be able to tell your wife &quot;just trust me&quot; as a reason that one of her bridesmaids' fiancee can't come. MAYBE that will be enough of a reason for the two of you to give to Lucy, but I wouldn't bet on it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid that leaves only the option of telling Lucy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, they already went as far as getting engaged. This will hurt her badly, but the longer this goes on, the more it will hurt her in the end. Apart from being morally wrong, it should be obvious that Sam is not stealthy enough to leave her in blissful ignorance for a lifetime. &lt;strong&gt;It will hurt Lucy, but the earlier she is told, the better for her.&lt;/strong&gt; Who knows, maybe she'll even find some... &lt;em&gt;distraction&lt;/em&gt; at your wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is considered the nuclear option, but in an ethical dilemma, it's almost always the thing you don't want to do which is the right thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Concerning your goals&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;My brother and Mary must not feel uncomfortable at my wedding&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is achieved, not only for your brother and Mary, but for everybody else who would be stressed out by being involved in the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;My fiancée must not have any added stress for this already crazy time of life&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is life; sh*t happens and then you die. With such huge family events I could already have told you a year ago that &lt;strong&gt;interpersonal issues are going to cause more stress than choosing the cake&lt;/strong&gt;. You had the noble idea of soaking up this stress to protect your wife and that is commendable. However, I just see too many things that could go wrong. Better face this additional stress now, than having the possibility of it ruining your big day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Sam's predatory behavior towards my family must stop&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Maybe this is unfortunately phrased, because I don't see how this would be your concern. It &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; your concern to make your friends and family comfortable at your wedding, but even if Mary would leave your brother for Sam, I don't see how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; would be involved in that - two consenting adults and all that jazz. Its an issue between Mary, Sam and your brother and that is where it needs to be resolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some assumptions in this answer. If any of them is wrong, you probably found the easy way out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6877" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T17:30:13.817" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T17:30:13.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5082" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4872" CreationDate="2017-10-06T17:07:19.573" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like most other answers, I agree that the solution is to create both time and distance enough for the person to notice you more gradually from farther away.  My answer differs in the definition of the problem.  The probable reason that many people are startled by you in the first place.  I'll offer a simple way to avoid that, thus creating less need to use the often awkward or silly feeling solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe the original poster made 2 errors in his assumptions.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;One has already been addressed by other answers; &quot;The starting point is the moment I stand behind them&quot;.  Obviously you need to start sooner.&#xA;The second error is that you assumed you are &quot;quite Ninja-like in my movements&quot;.  It is not the stealthiness of your movement that startles people, it is how close you were able to get before they noticed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone has an arbitrarily sized bubble of personal space where they can feel comfortable until the bubble is intruded upon by another.  The size of that bubble grows when a person feels they are alone.  I suspect that your personal bubble is frequently smaller than those you interact with.  You probably do not notice in social settings because the cues are smaller than being startled, and people try not to offend you in the case where you become a &quot;close talker&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I experienced this just yesterday when a stranger engaged me in conversation.  I was quite happy to talk to this person and remember thinking &quot;I really like this person, I'd like to talk to him at length about his experiences.&quot;  Then he took one step closer while continuing to talk.  Then all I could think was &quot;How can I end this and get away from this person?&quot;  He did not talk or smell offensively, he was just too close.  The change in distance was less than the span of my fingers, yet the change in comfort level was dramatic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A similar affect happens when you approach an unaware person, however they do not have time to suppress their flight reaction.  This manifests as being startled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not doing anything wrong.  There is just an incompatibility in the personal space requirements with some people you interact with.  I think that if you can routinely(always) attempt to maintain a slightly larger distance from some people, you will find first that they are less frequently startled, and second, they may be more willing to engage with you for longer periods of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try this first with people that you have already startled, then try it with people that seem cold or distant.  You may find they begin to warm up to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The great thing is, trying this does not require any awkward affectations like jingling your keys or clearing your throat.  It has no negative side affects, the worst thing that could happen is it might not work for some people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can even work in cases you wouldn't expect such as those wearing headphones.  Because if you maintain a larger distance, and approach from the front whenever possible, you are more likely to be in their field of view and much less likely be required to tap them on the shoulder.  If you ever do need to tap someone on the shoulder to get their attention because other methods have already failed, never do it from directly behind.  First try to get a full arms length away so they can't hit you in the face if they are startled.  Then try to maneuver to their front or side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6889" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T17:07:19.573" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T17:45:35.023" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't make this an &quot;I told you so&quot; situation. You can't say &quot;I told you so&quot; without it sounding the way you don't want it to sound.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, this doesn't have to be an &quot;I told you so&quot; situation at all, because that's not what you're looking for at all - your goal isn't to shame your BF and wallow in superiority. Your goal is to get the cat situation taken care of, period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So explain that that's what's going to happen. Don't even say anything about what happened in the past. If the BF brings it up, don't react with &quot;I told you so&quot;, react with &quot;Thank you for offering, but I'll take care of this now&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Grace demands leaving out the &quot;I told you so&quot; part. If someone else brings up what happened in the past, respond by talking about what needs to happen now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T17:45:35.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5085" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-06T17:49:13.863" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer the direct question: &quot;Should I dis-invite&quot;, I say yes. Man-up. This is YOU and your fiancees wedding. Why would you want this sketchy guy there causing problems for your family? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mary should have handled the problem herself and told the guy straight away that he was being inappropriate and not to text her. Also why did Mary give this man her number in the first place? Very strange behaviour... Maybe he got it on Facebook or something so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain it to your fiancee that the guys been acting like a creep and trying to hookup with your brothers teenage girlfriend and that you don't want him there. Volunteer to tell Lucy that you want her at the wedding but Sam can't come (your fiancee might want to explain it to her herself if she's her friend but volunteer anyway). She'll ask why not and you're just going to have to tell her the truth about what he's been doing. If she dumps him then so be it; that's their issue not yours. Just make it clear and be firm that she's not to bring him. She might get angry at you for whatever reason though. You're just going to have to grab this situation by the balls; a bit of stress handling this now might save a lot at the actual wedding...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6537" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T17:49:13.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-06T17:52:31.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Its very clear, if Mary led her number, but havent told your brother, she is attracted to him, or was, in the moment, she could even had fantasies with him, but the more you want to prevent this and force it (uninviting him or so) she can get even more interested if she notices it, and the more you prevent it, the more they will want to have an affair and do it. Let it flow naturally, if they feel attracted, and Mary is discrete, your brother will have her girlfriend steped, and they want it, there is nothing you can do about it, if they want it and notice the forced-distanciation they will have the affair, wether if you uninvite him or not&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if Mary gave her number on a proper, not afair related attitude, she will manage it, dont worry, even if Sam assists to your party, the most she can do is stay away from him. Now, if she suddenly feel attracted and rolls into dancing, flirting, sex texting and you know the rest, then your brother is lucky to get rid of her, and maybe find another person which wants to actually stay with him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let it flow naturally, its on her hands, you already have a lot of work thinking on your party. Theres nothing you can do yo prevent them from engaging  if they feel attracted, and if not, well, your brother seems to have found the right one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: One last thing, Sam is supposed to not be texting her like that, because he's on a relation, and i dont think that his woman is aware of this and/or confort with it, if your brother knows this, and Mary havent contact and told Sam's woman, then its two chances, Mary wants Sam inside her, or Mary is affaid  ot telling this to Sam's wife, so again, let it flow naturally, Mary is supposed to tell this to Sam's wife, unless she wants to get laid with Sam, but if your  brother knew this by spying into Mary's phone, the most common option to think is to contact Sam's wife and tell her about this, but if I were your brother, I would let this flow, so that I can see how this scalates and if Mary is worthy of me or not, so I would stay silent if I were you, your brother, and mary, just so we know how this can scalate and tend Sam's a trap in which he will fall very hard and let his wife notice it. Dont need to go into the &quot;fighting&quot; stuff at the moment, if I were Mary, I would tell your brother, ask him to not fight under the party just to not ruin it, and advice that I will be sexually attending those textings, so he falls into my trap and let Sam's wife know it. But if I were Mary, and feel attracted to him, the more I see its bothering you, the more I will do for having Sam cumming inside my mouth, and neither you or your brother can do anything to stop it, nor even notice it if happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3179" LastEditorUserId="3179" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T18:03:14.680" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T18:03:14.680" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5087" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T18:44:07.043" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like the way that the question is asked is a bit contradictory, rubbing people's face in their failures is an inherently not polite thing to do. It's kind of like asking &quot;how can punch someone in the face without seeming too violent&quot;. Not saying it should never be done or anything, but it'll never be polite or pleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anywho, the prudent thing in &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; situation seems to be to sign up for the free clinic, and if better options open up before that you can always cancel. If someone, like your BF complains about this solution because of how long the cat has to stay there of whatnot, &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; you tell him something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I asked to solve the problem (by working things out with Lilly or some other fashion), that hasn't happened, so now I'm solving it my way&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This solves the sleeping (and future kitten) problem, and gives you the opportunity to tell your BF &quot;I told you so&quot; in a way that doesn't come out of nowhere, because you are using that to explain why actions needed to be taken rather then just rolling it out in order to shame him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I also acts a &quot;subtle&quot; hint that if he wants thing resolved his way he has to actually take some initiative on them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T18:44:07.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5088" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4815" CreationDate="2017-10-06T18:49:14.703" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do a monthly payment meeting. On the payment meeting, you tell everyone what they have to pay, together with a printout. If someone is not present, tell everyone to inform them next time they see the person, plus a copy of the printout on their bed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have people who confuse &quot;latest possible payment date&quot; and &quot;earliest possible payment date&quot;, tell everyone that the payment increases by $10 for every day late. If anyone disagrees, you ask them if they want to collect the money instead of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. If your roommate is genuinely short of money then find another roommate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T18:49:14.703" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T18:56:12.760" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;I told you that ...&quot; is almost guaranteed to induce the other party to defend their position. You might do that and then tear the position down to alter the dynamics of a relationship, but the long range interpersonal costs tend to include avoidance, resentment, etc. A relationship where perforance evaluation doesn't have an impact on the relationship is rare. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to the caterwauling felines, one or both of them need to be relocated. Moving the female would avoid having a passing Tom picking up where his predecessor left off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Spaying the female for free in 14 days is nice, assuming you place a lower value on 14 nights of sleep, or a higher cost on any solution other than paying to have the cat neutered. At least there is a fixed $ price you can pay to end the problem, most of life's problems don't include that option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if you have any options other than the ones you've outlined, but they all sound less stressful than another sleepless night. Choose one using any random method and try it, if it fails pick another. Don't wait for tomorrow if you're discouraged, a sleepless night won't improve your outlook. This is one of those moments when indecision is the worst decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6902" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T18:56:12.760" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5036" CreationDate="2017-10-06T18:56:38.867" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am coming from a different cultural background (US), but I was in a similar experience with my family. My paternal grandmother moved in with us (mom, dad, me) because of her failing health. Both of my parents were retired, but because of the division of labor in the household, my mother wound up doing much of the care giving. I could act as a buffer for a few years but when I went to college things fell apart and my parents divorced. Now my grandmother and father live together and are both miserable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other answer focuses on acting as a buffer, and that is something you will have to do, but understand that it is only a short term solution. It is hard to predict how long your grandmother may live with you/your parents. It could easily be the next 20 years. You can't be expected to live at home that whole time, and your mother can't be expected to put up with being miserable for that long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things that help are getting your grandmother out of the house and active, and getting her therapy/treatment for any mental anguish arising from the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your grandmother helping around the house is a way of staying active, being helpful, and retaining normalcy since that is probably what she did in her own home. As long as it is not a safety problem, then let her do those things. Give her a responsibility. We let my grandmother do the dishes. So she has something to do, but stays out of the way when cooking is going on. You could let her do the dusting, but not let her do anything in the kitchen. Give her something useful to do that keeps her away from your mother when she is doing something that could be criticized. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does your grandmother have any friends or other relatives nearby who could visit or take her out for a day? If she is cooped up all day with nothing to think about but the ill health of her husband, then she will have nothing better to do than bother your mother. Mental stimulation is important, not just as a distraction, but also as a way of staving off dementia and depression. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With my grandmother, when she stopped having people who could visit, that is when she started declining mentally and became mean. Dementia and depression are common in the elderly and need to be treated. A therapist could help her deal with the grief of losing her husband, and if they think it is appropriate, some medicine could help improve her mood. Culturally, this may not be acceptable in your household, but in mine it did help somewhat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest pain point from my mother's end was that through all of the health problems and worsening mood of my grandmother, she had no help. I was like you, in school/work all day and trying to relax at night. My father was retired but had other activities that had him out of the house most of the time. She was the one who had to clean up, cook, and talk to my grandmother all day. It seems your situation is less flexible since your dad works so much. But perhaps there is a compromise. You could cook a couple nights a week. He could take his mother out when he has a free day. You could take her out when you have a free day. Somehow reduce the workload and exposure for your mother. Does your mother have friends? Make her go on a &quot;girls night out&quot; to relax and get out of the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try to arrange a meeting with your parents and honestly discuss the situation. I think recording the incidents would result in an argument, so perhaps don't bring that up, but everyone should voice their concerns and suggest ways to improve the situation. Even though your family didn't do this kind of thing before, you have to do it now, before tempers get too high to talk and fix the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5682" LastEditorUserId="3981" LastEditDate="2018-09-15T18:30:34.693" LastActivityDate="2018-09-15T18:30:34.693" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5091" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-06T19:15:30.320" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a no win situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Here's the outcome I'm looking to achieve:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My brother and Mary must not feel uncomfortable at my wedding&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My fiancée must not have any added stress for this already crazy time of life&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1 and 2 are likely mutually exclusive.  You have to either allow Sam to attend as your fiance's friends date, or tell your fiances friend that her date is not welcome at the reception.  The first option breaks rule 1 and the second option breaks rule 2 by extension because her friend is likely going to cry back to your fiance about your declaration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sam's predatory behavior towards my family must stop&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no way for you to make this happen.  Even if Sam were to want to act respectfully, chances are when Sam gets a few drinks in him at the wedding he will revert to the same obnoxious jerk that created the conflict in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the best chance you have IMO is to Confront Sam.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him that he is not welcome at your wedding, and that if he shows up the ushers will contact security and have him escorted off the property, and if necessary have him arrested for trespassing. And that if he will not tell his girlfriend why he can not attend, you will not inform his girlfriend of his very pedophile-like predatory behavior towards your brothers teen aged girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With any luck Sam will decide to make up a story about a previous engagement, or just tell her he is too sick to go, and your fiance will never know about the potential crapstorm that nearly invaded her wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastEditorUserId="56" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T19:24:26.087" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T19:24:26.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5092" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5094" CreationDate="2017-10-06T20:07:28.560" Score="0" ViewCount="232" Body="&lt;p&gt;Using the idea from Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” how do you suggest a problem is a result of someone’s incapability to view the idea the same way you do, when they currently haven’t observed the idea that viewpoints could diverge to this extent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ex: Following, “I don’t see the use of being moral, when in the world nothing matters.”, to a religion advocate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Either way it doesn’t matter since you won’t likely see that person again”, following a concern about virtuous nature, argued to a theological viewpoint &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note none of this details any part of my ideals or being, this is just the only idea I could imagine that would help convey the idea. This was made as an inquiry to a long thought question, not an attack meant to disprove&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would be used in context to remedy the problem. This could be philosophic education, debate, etc&#xA;I wouldn’t expect this to be used in casual situations, unless there was a debate&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6908" LastEditorUserId="6908" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T20:24:27.760" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T20:27:33.347" Title="How to explain/suggest epistemological incapability" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-10-06T22:07:08.113" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5093" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-06T20:25:31.117" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Get out the phone book, and find a kennel or whatever they are called for cats.  Your sanity/sleep is worth more than whatever they are charging.  Make a few phone calls to comparison shop, pick one and go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, get yourself a hotel room, temporarily. Maybe even sleep at a friends house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The cost of any of these solutions is nothing compared to $300/hr for mental therapy or losing your job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now gets some sleep, and think about more clearly after a good night sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no good &quot;I told you so&quot;.  Think about how you will feel when you make a mistake, and if he throws it in your face.  Do you want that, NO!  You want someone who will help you fix the problem purely as a good deed.  Here is your chance to set a good example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5629" LastEditorUserId="5629" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T20:31:35.473" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T20:31:35.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5092" CreationDate="2017-10-06T20:27:33.347" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not sure what &quot;The Cave&quot; has to do with this, but in general if people are very used to a specific system of thinking they will not grasp any idea that is far outside of that, but will probably reinterpret that within their familiar paradigm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I've actually known some people who have morals, and religious people and I've had similar conversations, and eventually if you manage to maintain discussion without pissing them off you just arrive to an &lt;em&gt;&quot;agree to disagree&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or a &lt;em&gt;&quot;you'll understand when you're older&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or something along those lines. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The fact is there are things that are both &lt;strong&gt;TRULY IMPORTANT TO SOMEONE'S IDENTITY AND SENSE OF LIFE'S PURPOSE&lt;/strong&gt; while at the same time being &lt;strong&gt;COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE TO PROVE&lt;/strong&gt;. So they are not going to abandon them, but they'll never convince someone who doesn't happen to share those beliefs (i.e. you) so you'll just reach an impasse (in the best case scenario).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I wouldn't recommend going down this conversational path unless they try to convince you first, and you are using this as a defense. But if you absolutely need to have such conversation, you'll have to start with initial assumptions so that you make it real clear to the other person just how far out from theirs your position is. i.e.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; morals, are they something people come up with? Are they universal? If so, how can determine what they are? etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T20:27:33.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5095" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4669" CreationDate="2017-10-06T20:51:22.617" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reading the example taboo topic of breastfeeding made me want to share how breastfeeding and the inability to breastfeed affected my family.  That isn't the question, but it would be public evidence of normalization.  Someone else might have read the same example and thought, &quot;that kind of thing shouldn't be discussed in public&quot;  Which would have been evidence against normalization if the thought were known.  But it is the nature of a taboo that it isn't discussed, and when it is discussed, people tend to characterize their comments in the most PC way, which makes an accurate study on the topic problematic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to understand what type of study we are looking for, we first need to define what it means to normalize a topic for someone.  That is up to @Catija, but it appears from context that for her, normalize would mean that she could discuss breastfeeding with a coworker, without that coworker feeling uncomfortable about it.  I think she would view that as a positive result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Intuitively, her joking mentions of the topic signal that someone in the office is comfortable discussing the topic.  That is most likely to invite further discussion.  For example, a male coworker previously shy about the topic may be emboldened to ask you(as the defacto expert) &quot;If a woman is breastfeeding in public, is it ok to look?&quot;  Is that still a positive result?&#xA;The joking could make some momentarily slightly uncomfortable, even to the extent that someone makes a conscious choice to avoid discussing it, but I find that unlikely, even less likely that such person would ever make that decision known.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore we are looking for a study that concludes mentioning a taboo topic makes it less taboo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A Google search found &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deconstructing Organizational Taboos: The Suppression of Gender Conflict in Organizations&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;http://pubsonline.informs.org/doi/abs/10.1287/orsc.1.4.339&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://pubsonline.informs.org/doi/abs/10.1287/orsc.1.4.339&lt;/a&gt;&#xA;I remember hearing a lecture years ago about this study.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;also&#xA;PMCID: PMC4091654&#xA;Responses to gestational weight management guidance: a thematic analysis of comments made by women in online parenting forums&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4091654/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4091654/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6889" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T20:51:22.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5065" CreationDate="2017-10-06T22:48:32.407" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you genuinely can't carry water and he can, then you simply ask.  He won't be offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However you genuinely &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;can and should&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; carry your own water.  There are many solutions to this problem, where the water bottles can be fitted elsewhere.  There are water bottle holders which can be fitted on your saddle, as other people have mentioned, or you could use &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wiggle.co.uk/salomon-energy-belt-ss17/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;something like this&lt;/a&gt;.  Or everyone with even the slightest interest in outdoors exercise has seen a Camelbak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given all these options, your friend &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; be offended that your first reaction is to try to get him to carry your water instead of putting minimal effort into sorting it yourself.  As someone who does a lot of hillwalking, I'll usually hand my water bottle around at rest stops, and if someone runs out then I've no problems sharing.  But I do absolutely resent anyone who assumes they don't need to carry water because I'll look after them.  The interpersonal problem is your assumption, not how to ask for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastEditorUserId="3562" LastEditDate="2017-10-06T23:54:24.797" LastActivityDate="2017-10-06T23:54:24.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="36" CreationDate="2017-10-07T02:51:12.280" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm.  You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not interested in make new friends&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looks like they aren't either.  Just in case, you might look back on how you're carrying yourself, to make sure that you're not giving off &quot;go away&quot; vibes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find I must refer you to the words of Omar Khayyam:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;He who has a thousand friends&#xA;    has not a friend to spare;&#xA;But he who has one enemy&#xA;    will meet him everywhere.&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, that said, it sounds like you just want to get into the smalltalk and pleasant conversations, yes?  @John 's advice is good.  Permit me to add another few thoughts.  You might ask the common friend to introduce you around; this tends to give you a foot in the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another approach I've taken in situations like that is -- &lt;em&gt;people-watching&lt;/em&gt;.  If you are not interested in breaking into the conversations, it can be interesting to watch how people interact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T02:51:12.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-07T05:01:19.417" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As others have said, there is no &quot;polite&quot; way to tell someone &quot;I told you so&quot; nor is it constructive. Instead:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Stop telling people things and start doing&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your boyfriend and Lily have already demonstrated they are unreliable, and you are already feeling like you are doing something that is not &quot;your job&quot;. xLeitix suggests being assertive, but assertiveness is not a tone of voice or a matter of wording. Assertiveness is &lt;em&gt;acting&lt;/em&gt; confidently. It sounds like you have a plan to resolve the issue that doesn't rely on Lily or your boyfriend. &lt;em&gt;Notify&lt;/em&gt; your boyfriend of what you are going to do so it's not a surprise, and then just do it. &quot;Notify&quot; does not mean debate or have a discussion about or suggest. This way you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; something will be done. Put the fire out first. Play the blame game later (or, preferably, not at all, though some kind of discussion may well be in order).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, you will interact with unreliable people in your life far more than you'd like. You will be happier, more productive, and garner a quite good reputation for yourself if you take charge when others are dropping the ball.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4273" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T05:01:19.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5101" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5109" CreationDate="2017-10-07T05:16:13.793" Score="14" ViewCount="5038" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been dealing with a rather uncomfortable situation for the last few days...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To understand it best it's probably better to start from the beginning. I was raised in a very traditional, but rather liberal, Christian denomination. My Mom was ordained as a deacon when I was a teenager, by that time I had drifted away from the church as teenagers do... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later in my early twenties I came back to the church, same denomination different parish, where my Mom was stationed at the time, as a part of my general &quot;getting my crap together period&quot; where I met a guy I'll call &quot;Bob&quot; and all was well for a couple years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then the crap kinda hit the fan, when the denomination decided to finally  start ordaining openly LGBTQ,  partnered, priests and bishops. I was thrilled, I wasn't &quot;out&quot; then, but I had a few friends in the community and it seemed like the right thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately the particular parish I was involved with, where my ex-wife and I were married, and my Mom was a clergy person, disagreed with the body of the larger Church and decided to have a meeting about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And there was &quot;Bob&quot; leading the charge to, more or less, schism with the Church, and making wise cracks about &quot;praying away the gay.&quot; Bob being something of a lay-leader  drew a lot of people to his side. Which to be honest was absolutely devastating. I really loved these people. I went through a lot of stuff with them, so it was incredibly hurtful to hear them say what they were saying about LGBTQ people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being me, I couldn't help, but say what I was thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There's a really ugly word in the English language. &quot;Faggot&quot; a bundle of sticks, it comes from our people, back when we used to burn people  alive for being gay. When we talk about these things it's probably worth remembering our history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that may not be an accurate origin of the term, but I'm not the only person who's connected those dots: &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/Vi8zeaxtB-w&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://youtu.be/Vi8zeaxtB-w&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case that's when I left the church. I couldn't bear the idea of being associated with that kind of hate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, here's the uncomfortable situation, I've been having to deal with Bob all week at work. And he keeps trying to talk to me...He absolutely knows I'm not interested in having a conversation about why I left the church and how he contributed to that. I'm at work. I know you can't argue with religious zealots. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of me really wants to rip his worldview a new one, but I know it's a lost cause. The larger international church is on my side, but it doesn't matter for a guy like Bob. He's simply convinced of what he believes, and there's no way to argue with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What should I do to avoid a confrontation with &quot;Bob&quot;?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To clarify...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm not at all interested in talking with &quot;Bob&quot; about anything. Unfortunately, I've been put in a position where I have to be in close proximity, while I'm at work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Bob is not a colleague, co-worker, or in the hierarchy of the organization that I work for. More of a customer, in a hospitality environment.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I work for a religious non-profit organization, that's effectively owned by the larger Church. Going to HR isn't really an option in this case, because the organization is pretty small and doesn't really have an HR person. Being a religious non-profit some of the usual work related solutions aren't available.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My only goal is to avoid conflict with Bob. We both have very strong and opposing views and I know that talking to him will likely lead to a massive problem/argument. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I've already tried polite brush offs on his first couple of approaches, but every time I pass him he tries to engage.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T21:14:19.727" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T14:34:50.293" Title="How do you avoid conflict with zealots?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5103" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5104" CreationDate="2017-10-07T07:25:53.120" Score="6" ViewCount="1099" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is there a general consensus that I'm not aware of regarding the etiquette of holding foot traffic up to take a photo in public?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is most apparent where it is a group photo with a public monument in the background, the photographer maybe 2 to 5 metres away usually perpendicular to the general flow of foot traffic on a sidewalk. Thereby causing an invisible but apparently socially powerful barrier to passage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that the bigger the group, the more pressure there is not to interrupt it. Often happening around public venues/concerts, places of interest, university graduations, public transportation. &lt;em&gt;Busy&lt;/em&gt; places.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, unless the photo is clearly about to be taken, I just walk through the foreground. Otherwise, experience has made it clear that there is always some reason not to take the photo 'quite yet', and you'll be waiting for someone to adjust settings on the camera, get the group to huddle more, someone's missing, so and so's phone just rang etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What prompts this question is that I think I may be in the minority? Other folks will stand and wait (!), to the point that there is an impenetrable barrier of actual people that I cannot get through even if I wanted to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often the photographer will be gracious at the end, but often enough there is &lt;em&gt;zero&lt;/em&gt; gratitude and they simply 'allow' the people who have been waiting to continue their way - which is rude, in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When should one wait to cross and when should you just go?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4298" LastEditorUserId="4298" LastEditDate="2019-07-02T21:35:52.290" LastActivityDate="2019-07-02T21:35:52.290" Title="The etiquette of holding foot traffic up to take a photo in public?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5103" CreationDate="2017-10-07T09:12:44.833" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone is about to take a photo in a public walkway, walking through that would annoy them. It would be polite to wait a few seconds, and then proceed to walk if it may take more time for them to adjust things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply walking through the frame is not nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The chances that a whole bunch of people stop and stare is very slim unless those involved in the photo session are, say, famous people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To get around it, sure, walk to the front and see if the shot's about to be taken, and if not, quickly walk past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if one is about to take a photo, it's best to have the camera and everything set up quickly so that it does not disturb the flow of walkers in that route.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-07T19:28:05.977" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T19:28:05.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-07T13:39:49.910" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell my boyfriend “I told you so” without sounding too full of myself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You make sure you are alone.  You take a photograph of your boyfriend.  You tell the photograph.  Stick out your tongue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I told you so&quot; is closure, transferring a justifiable amount of anger to another person.  So telling your boyfriend is not going to be a net improvement to your relation.  But how good of a relation do you need to a photograph?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not the same amount of closure, but it may be better than nothing.  As to actually telling your boyfriend in person: he already knows.  If you don't want to sound too full of yourself, the easiest way to do so is to move on &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; bothering to tell him what he already knows.  Particularly since that will make him try harder next time, but the &lt;em&gt;same&lt;/em&gt; thing that didn't work rather than figuring out something that will actually work when relying on him for its execution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, you need to figure out solutions that work for you as a pair.  &quot;I told you so&quot; is focusing on solutions that work with him as the driving force alone.  But for solutions impacting both of you, or even you most strongly, giving him sole responsibility is a recipe for both of you getting annoyed and feeling let alone by the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do hope you have a photograph of him, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6926" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T13:39:49.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5107" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2536" CreationDate="2017-10-07T13:51:43.530" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read this elsewhere:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Earlier I had money, and I had friend. One day my friend was in need of money, he asked for some help and I gave him money. Now I dont have&#xA;  money, I dont have friend.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was trapped in a similar situation once. I WhatsApped my friend the fee deposit reminder notice sent to us by my children's school, for not having deposited the fee yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since he otherwise was a very smart and empathetic guy, he understood my situation and next day I got an SMS for the amount being credited back into my account from him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6927" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-07T14:10:09.723" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T14:10:09.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5108" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4972" CreationDate="2017-10-07T14:44:34.517" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Congrats on your wedding!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an analyst i would recommend you to cut your looses in this problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First. You cant take an unilateral decision on this. As you stated he is invited mostly cause its the fiancee to a friend of your wife. Whatever decision you take at this point it will affect the relationship between the friend of your soon to be wife and her. Don't let it affect beyond that. Hiding this from your fiancee could backfire and cause mistrust between you two. So calmly talk to her about the problem, show her evidence and then if possible your brother girlfriend should join you both to talk a little more about this issue. This will create empathy on your wife and and maybe even result on a more close relationship between your fiancee and your brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second. You can not do this via text. It will show weakness. You need this to be face to face. As you said this guy has a history of being violent. That means that the only thing he respects is force. Invite him to a go out with your fiance and the closest friend you have that can keep his head cold. Do not bring your brother nor her girlfriend. Sadly you will need a backup in case things go south. Do not drink during this. And it needs to be in a public space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Calmly tell him both of you know about his approaches towards your brother fiancee, and that you would like him not to come to the wedding and stop contacting her. If he declines to do so, upper your hand and show him the messages in a draft ready to send to your brother girlfriend parents and his fiance. In other words, you will nuke his relationship with Lucy and put him in problems with the law if Mary parents see the message. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This last part seems a little bit over dramatic but is what I would do. That said, you need to solve this in one blow, and cut him of any position of advantage he might have. That is, giving him no time to go lie to his fiancee after the face to face, no sweet talking out of this. Your friend will be there for in case brute force is needed to cut that advantage from him too. Both of you will need to outsmart him before he knows what hit him. And whatever you both do, do not loose your temper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might choose another solution but it should have this characteristic of putting him a disadvantage position where you and your fiancee would loose next to nothing, and him taking the heavy looses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After it, let it go and enjoy your wedding. See this with your wife as your fist success together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T14:44:34.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5101" CreationDate="2017-10-07T15:00:05.673" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I should preface this with the information that I am a Christian, that is, a follower of Christ, who said nothing about homosexuality, but said an awful lot about love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What should I do? Part of me really wants to rip his worldview a new one, but I know it's a lost cause. The larger international church is on my side, but it doesn't matter for a guy like Bob. He's simply convinced that God hates, and there's no way to argue with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've answered your own question. There's no way to reason with a zealot, and you're conflict averse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you either want to avoid conflict or rip him a new one. Or both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming your desire to avoid conflict is greater, be polite and, if you're a Christian still, treat Bob with kindness. You can be superficial and polite while still avoiding a deeper conversation. There is no law that says you have to have &quot;the conversation&quot; with him, nor one that states you even have to explain why you won't have it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited to address OP's edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You state that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not at all interested in talking with &quot;Bob&quot; about anything... My only goal is to avoid conflict with Bob. ...I know that talking to him will likely lead to a massive problem/argument. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you certain he wants to have the &quot;pray-the-gay-away&quot; or any other kind of serious talk? Maybe he wants to know how you are since you left the church; maybe he misses your talks. You don't know until a conversation starts. For that, you need to be willing to talk &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt;. If you're willing to engage in superficialities, you can do that without conflict. If the conversation veers into uncomfortable areas, you can say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, Bob, but in all honesty, I'm not comfortable talking about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he persists, repeat (you can add, &quot;either&quot; if he tries a different tack.) If he still doesn't get the hint, repeat, adding to the end,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm asking you to please respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not an overtly conflictual way to deal with Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've already tried polite brush offs on his first couple of approaches, but every time I pass him he tries to engage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have no option but to either stop making even just eye contact (and pretend he's not there?) or to engage just enough to set your boundary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Another approach (but this addresses your hurt first and your relationship to Bob, and if you can ever converse without conflict) is to sit down when you have a whole weekend to yourself and make an argument &lt;strong&gt;for&lt;/strong&gt; Bob's case. You'll need to be brutally impartial to do this, but it doesn't involve conflict with anyone else. List all the reasons why Christians might be opposed to LGBT lifestyles, as infuriating as they are, and argue for their &lt;em&gt;correctness&lt;/em&gt;. For example, list the horrible laws in Leviticus. Think about Sodom and Gomorrah. Think about how marriage is portrayed in the Bible. Think as if you're &lt;em&gt;genuinely&lt;/em&gt; trying to explain why people like Bob feel this way. Think as if you believe the Bible is the literal word of God in its entirety.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;If you can do this, really do this, I think some of your anger will dissipate, and you'll be able to see Bob for who and what he is, as opposed to primarily someone who hurt you deeply. He's just a deeply flawed human being who believes differently than you do, and has bought into some nonsensical idea that every word in the Bible is literal.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;If you can see this and believe this, you will have a bit more peace in your heart about the persecution and abuse LGBTQs have endured in the church. It's fine (and we are called) to have righteous anger. But more than that is wrong (like spreading the faggot story: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?allowed_in_frame=0&amp;amp;search=faggot&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;The explanation that male homosexuals were called faggots because they were burned at the stake as punishment is an etymological urban legend.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; The prescribed method of death for that &quot;offense&quot; in England was hanging.)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;More understanding usually leads to less conflict. &lt;strong&gt;This is applicable to any issue where conflict exists&lt;/strong&gt;, not only specifically to an issue within a faith.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Mind you, I don't always take my own advice. Advice is easier to give than to follow. I am a Christian who believes the greater part of organized Christianity is wrong about a great number of things, and that if all people took &lt;em&gt;Christ's&lt;/em&gt; teachings as the basis of &lt;em&gt;Christ&lt;/em&gt;ianity, we would be a much more loving, giving, merciful, and accepting people.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T22:55:00.397" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T22:55:00.397" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-07T15:57:38.813" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two ways to stop your friend: One is to make clear that you are not accepting this answer and creating negative consequences for your friend, two by ending the friendship. (That's the question you asked. You didn't ask how to get around this, or how to not be annoyed with your friend. You asked how to stop him). For (two) you won't need help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many ways. Buy a can of dog food. Next time he wants &quot;anything&quot; you produce the dog food. If he says he doesn't like dog food, which apparently would be progress, you offer to buy cat food. If he says he doesn't like that either, ask what he wants. &quot;Anything&quot; -&gt; back to the start. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;We don't have 'anything'&quot;. That has been used by me, and against me, and usually works. Just don't accept it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Call a taxi. Tell the driver that your friend is going to pick the destination. A running taxi meter will help with the decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Ok, &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; don't want 'anything', so we'll have to go to different places&quot;. Treat 'anything' as a choice, which is not the choice that you agree with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. Your friend apparently voted that you should do something different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2017-10-07T21:30:27.143" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T21:30:27.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-07T17:57:28.273" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This does not help with your current relationship situation, but you need to get the &lt;em&gt;female&lt;/em&gt; cat spayed as well or it is likely to end up &lt;em&gt;locked&lt;/em&gt; in heat, a situation very unpleasant for both the cat and yourself.  The male cat, when timely neutered, is not likely to provide relief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is something that would most likely have come up eventually even without the presence of a male cat: but the current situation might have given it a fast forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The operation is more invasive and expensive than for the male, but it might have come up anyway.  The female cat might or might not wind down this time after the male cat gets spayed, but it's not the last you are going to hear of it.  Read up on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6930" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T17:57:28.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5065" CreationDate="2017-10-07T20:15:46.523" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a fellow rider we've all been there.  Bonking on water is bad enough, bonking on food is worse.  I've offered/given gels to random people because its the right thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey Fred lets stop at Victoria Park for water.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if you're racing/competitive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Last one to the top of Dyers Pass buys the coffees!   GO!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the real underlying fix is to identify your problem and fix it for the next ride.  Imposing on someone else once is okay, but time after time is just rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use a single larger/taller bottle, or add a second bottle to your pocket (cycling jerseys have three across the lower back and small/medium bottles fit the middle pocket fine.  Carry a camelbak or other backpack with more water.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or simply drain a bottle before you leave for your ride, that's called &quot;pre-hydration&quot; and will tide you over for up to an hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5267" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T20:15:46.523" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4951" CreationDate="2017-10-07T20:29:43.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand you've emailed her the link to StackOverflow and the official documentation, but for me, I'd go a step further and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Write the question down. Post the question to StackOverflow (assuming you did your research, couldn't find duplicates, and followed the rest of their process). And then, email me the link to your question (and maybe, I'll take a look at it, I just can't make any promise).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For a Java syntax question or a very basic question, I'd ask her to show me her flash cards. If she doesn't have any. That's the problem right there. And by flash cards, I mean &lt;a href=&quot;https://medium.freecodecamp.org/use-spaced-repetition-with-anki-to-learn-to-code-faster-7c334d448c3c&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;flashcards&lt;/a&gt;, either electronic or paper flashcards, that she made herself based on real problems that she was actually having, not flash cards that she copied from others. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, I'd ask her to demonstrate her process, but I'd be really careful not to reward her behavior -- even inadvertently -- and even if I could give her the answer she was looking for in 2 seconds or less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, I like the rest of the answers given regarding asking the company for help in mentoring her, or training her, or moving her, or perhaps even firing her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T20:29:43.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5116" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-07T22:51:29.840" Score="3" ViewCount="492" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lets say John is describing to Peter the project he is working on. When John starts to talk about technology stack he is using, one of the technologies &quot;triggers&quot; Peter. Then, Peter starts arguing that the technology is crap, getting into deaf state (C++ vs Java for example). He doesn't listen to John anymore. This is fine, but usually somebody else who knows them accidentally comes in and engages into the war. Sometimes the number of participants reaches 5 people. Nobody gets offensive, but they become quite hateful about technologies in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John and Peter are not friends, but they admire experience of each other. The other ones are even further in John's social circle. John talks to Peter primarily about tech, so situations like this have a decent chance of occurrence. Sometimes John needs to ask Peter about important things, which requires face to face setting, so John might need to continue conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John is a troll occasionally, so he doesn't mind being salty about things. Though he doesn't want the wars to get out of control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What John tried&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time the opposite sides paused to ask his opinion. John just waived his head, and then facepalmed. Their confusion let John to navigate the conversation in different direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside from the facepalm, &lt;strong&gt;how to prevent the argument from happening?&lt;/strong&gt; If preventing it at all is not possible, preventing the argument from heating up is okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Example:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Peter: &lt;em&gt;It is 2017 now, and C++ still doesn't have garbage collector!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ben: &lt;em&gt;We have RAII, which lets us deal with way bigger spectrum of problems than Java!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Thomas: &lt;em&gt;But you still need to remember to implement it!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;4th person: &lt;em&gt;All of the standard containers provide it, so we can use rule of 0!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3052" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T02:11:15.393" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T15:20:11.497" Title="How to stop/prevent opinion based/nuisance arguments?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;kazakhstan&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-10-13T07:13:55.287" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5117" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5159" CreationDate="2017-10-07T23:01:06.917" Score="53" ViewCount="17545" Body="&lt;p&gt;My problem is that whenever I go to any restaurant where they serve you food, they first take your order, then they bring it and while you are eating with your mouth full of food they have to come to you ask you &quot;Is everything ok?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This bothers me, a lot. I get that this is how they were trained to do their job and I do not put any blame on the waiter whatsoever for doing their job, but man I just want to eat in peace and not have to answer your question with my mouth full, or at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is this, how can I ask the waiter that once they bring me my food to leave me alone to eat in peace. I can't think of a way to achieve this without sounding rude or without it sounding like a big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6024" LastEditorUserId="378" LastEditDate="2017-10-08T06:46:52.883" LastActivityDate="2019-07-10T13:07:20.793" Title="Asking waiters to let you eat in peace" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5117" CreationDate="2017-10-07T23:13:26.310" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Asking wait staff to leave you alone probably isn't the best way to handle this situation. They're likely to need to bring you your bill and you're likely to need a drink refilled...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I usually do when they ask about my meal and my mouth is full, is just smile and nod which generally means that it's good. If they're asking if I need anything, I smile and shake my head  to indicate that I don't. More experienced wait staff usually take the hint and don't try to engage in small talk after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-07T23:13:26.310" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5116" CreationDate="2017-10-07T23:21:14.860" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Walk away and let it rage out. Once people are in deaf fanboy state there is very little you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if it's near his workspot tell them to take the discussion elsewhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they wonder why he leaves the &quot;discussion&quot; or wants to remove himself from it, he can cite the work he needs to do that won't get finished if he stays debating the merits of each option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6635" LastEditorUserId="6635" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T08:08:36.573" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T08:08:36.573" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5117" CreationDate="2017-10-08T00:57:32.660" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;When receiving your food or after ordering, you could try saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll signal you when I [need the bill / want something].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The implication would be that you won't wait until they approach you if you want something, so there's no need for them to approach you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may only occasionally work though, as it's based on an implication and some might consider it rude to just leave you alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you want something more clear&lt;/strong&gt;, I don't think there's any way to avoid having it come across as a bit rude or weird. You could consider adding something like the below to the above:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't need to come ask me if I need anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just asking for the bill as soon as you get your food&lt;/strong&gt; is another approach that could sometimes work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've already asked for the bill, you're presumably not ordering anything else, so there's no point in asking you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also actually pay the bill early on, after which there will be next to no incentive for the waiter to approach you. You should probably wait until you've at least tasted your food though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tone and body language and looking busy&lt;/strong&gt; (being on your phone / laptop or reading a paper) might also help dissuade waiters from approaching you, but probably not to a particularly significant extent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T00:57:32.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5117" CreationDate="2017-10-08T00:58:16.037" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;Apaul34208 gave a great answer, but you comment that you don't want to be bothered at all. So I'll add a scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you order, say (with a big smile and all the charm you can muster, so as not to appear off-putting),&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...(order food and drink) and if you don't mind, I'm fine until I ask for the check, Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The waiter will/should ask, &quot;Are you sure? What if you need water or something's wrong with the meal?&quot; And you reply,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure everything will be fine, really, but thanks for asking. I'll signal for the check when I'm ready. Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I hope you have no problems with the meal or refills, etc. because that's an undeniably different way to dine out, at least in the US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T00:58:16.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5117" CreationDate="2017-10-08T01:01:31.803" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would go with something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;This may seem like a somewhat strange request; but I would really prefer if I were left undisturbed during my meal.  If anything is wrong with the meal, or I am ready for my bill, I will make sure to get your attention when you come by.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically just be as straight forward as possible.  It's really less work for the server; they just have to know what you're expecting.  The basic instinct is to check up on tables (usually not expecting anything more than any positive gesture in return).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also want to make it clear that when trying to get the servers attention, you shouldn't do anything extreme like call out across the restaurant.  Wait until they are near your table, and try to make eye contact before talking to them, or try to make a small waving gesture &lt;strong&gt;when they aren't with a table&lt;/strong&gt; and near you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've worked in Canadian resturaunts for a decent amount of time.  It might seem like a &lt;em&gt;bit&lt;/em&gt; of an odd request; but as long as you let me know first, I wouldn't find it rude as the server.  Some people like peace and quiet, other people like to chat with the server.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1734" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T01:01:31.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-10-08T02:15:01.210" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;One option is to have one person select the genre of food -- japanese, chinese, american grill, etc -- and have the other select a specific restaurant within that genre.  In the 'anything' case, you could pick (or have them pick) the genre, and then have the other person to pick the specific restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That narrows it down at least a little, and if your friend is unwilling to contribute to either decision (but is still willing to eat with you), that tells you something about their friendship and decision-making.  It also means that if there are objections, there's a concrete decision which the other has to provide an alternative for (e.g., 'Chinese', 'nah', 'ok, that was my idea, now you pick -- japanese, vietnamese, italian, etc ...').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2318" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T02:15:01.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5126" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5065" CreationDate="2017-10-08T05:01:11.437" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think part of the problem here is really that &lt;em&gt;you're&lt;/em&gt; expecting him to help when he's prepared, and you aren't. While there are a few situations where this is fine, relying on someone else because they're more prepared than you are is a terrible way to go about doing things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel extremely rude if I ask him if I'm allowed some of his second water because he has done the hard work of carrying it all the way and I am just going to drink it without repaying him in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is &lt;em&gt;entirely&lt;/em&gt; valid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest that in the &lt;em&gt;rare instances&lt;/em&gt; where you need to do this - you treat him. This shows your appreciation for his hard work in carrying the water for you, and its always nice to be appreciated. Also, after a while, it might make more sense to carry more water, but I'm sure that's covered by many of the other answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2745" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-08T09:44:03.903" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T09:44:03.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="905" CreationDate="2017-10-08T05:37:16.360" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you think this is due to a recent-onset mental condition, you could use the above comments to start your own research on his behavior, and then consult a professional yourself (saying 'I have a friend') on how you've observed him change.  I suspect a practicing (not research) mental health professional could:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;provide specifics on identifying the condition,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;recommend how to communicate with your friend, possibly to get more information,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;suggestions on what kind of professional help would help them, and/or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;how to get them to seek/obtain that kind of professional help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you can move things forward, and if he becomes receptive later, you can provide this background so he doesn't have to start from square one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2318" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T05:37:16.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5065" CreationDate="2017-10-08T08:22:39.540" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I ask my friend if I'm allowed some of his water without getting into an argument or offending him,…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In an impromptu cycling trip&lt;/strong&gt;, (if such a thing exists) it is not rude to ask a friend to drink or share from their second supply of water. You didn't know that your single bottle would not be enough. I can't imagine a good friend objecting. If he's icky about germs or possible spittle, may I suggest squeezing the bottle and directly squirting (or pouring) its contents in your mouth without the nozzle actually touching your lips. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;However, if you know beforehand that you will need a second water bottle…&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and it seems you do, then it is &lt;em&gt;very selfish&lt;/em&gt; to expect a friend to sacrifice his second bottle for your own needs. You know your friend has a 2nd bottle, why do you think he won't need it? If you know a 2nd water bottle is necessary for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; then it is &lt;strong&gt;up to you to find a solution&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many users have submitted answers that provide excellent practical solutions that should resolve this dilemma. I will suggest another because it is a new idea, which hasn't been suggested. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Italy, there are many public water fountains, they can be found in towns, cities but more importantly in the countryside and in the mountains. There is an &lt;a href=&quot;https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.mdc.nasoni&amp;amp;hl=en&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;APP that helps you find the nearest fountain&lt;/a&gt; in Italy. Maybe there is another App for your country or region.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/gh0tv.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/gh0tv.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;picture of a water fountain&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2019-01-17T18:26:48.197" LastActivityDate="2019-01-17T18:26:48.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5060" CreationDate="2017-10-08T10:16:08.753" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my work we use Skype as a text messaging tool, and frequently even for people right near us if we want to ask a medium urgent question (they can respond in a few minutes when they've finished their train of thought and I don't have to interrupt what they're doing).&#xA;If your work uses such a tool, could you reach out to him with a work-related question and see if any conversations eventuate, then when he talks to you face to face, it will likely be about the same topics and you will have some context to be able to work out what he is saying. For example, say he tells you on Skype that he is going to his sister's wedding on the weekend, then on Monday he says (mumble) sister (mumble) you can say, &quot;oh, how was the wedding?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3899" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T10:16:08.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5103" CreationDate="2017-10-08T10:35:42.783" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Etiquette demands the kindest and least disruptive action be undertaken. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see a bunch of people sorting themselves out for a group photo. Before they have settled into position, and before the designated photographer is aiming their digicam or mobile at them, sprint lightly across the void space that has been created. You'll probably find other pedestrians, who are in a rush, doing likewise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once the photographer is standing still and is going to take their photo, &lt;strong&gt;wait, patiently, until the snaps have been taken.&lt;/strong&gt;  If a person disregards this moment and strolls between the photographer and the group (I have seen this happen) then they are the rude and obnoxious third party in this scenario. The photographer will have to wait until the trepasser has crossed the &quot;passageway&quot;, the group will probably have to recompose itself, and the crowd will have to wait longer before they too can go about their business. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/9ULu4.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/9ULu4.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;picture of a large group of people posing in the street&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides, as can be seen in the photo above, &lt;strong&gt;there should always be enough space to walk behind the photographer&lt;/strong&gt;, but the OP might even find it quicker to just wait and cross than to walk around a very busy square.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2019-01-02T15:12:46.537" LastActivityDate="2019-01-02T15:12:46.537" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4852" CreationDate="2017-10-08T13:06:46.793" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although I have received many good answers, as a person who feels very uncomfortable when talking about money with friends, I did the thing that wasn't mentioned in any answer. &lt;em&gt;I simply didn't ask my friend to return my money.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it proved to be correct! On the last day of his stay in our city when we met he remembered that he owes me money and immediately paid his debt. Maybe that was a solution in my specific case but it can also apply to other people as well. The lesson I learned from my question is that a good friendship is above money. And I kind of feel bad that I was so worried about my money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6677" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T13:06:46.793" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5117" CreationDate="2017-10-08T14:41:09.757" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make your point as a benefit for the waiter, after you are all set with your food say very friendly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Oh! BTW no need to worry about me at all, if I need anything I'll let you know' and smile. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd even wink at the waiter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6954" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T14:41:09.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-08T15:36:29.437" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wow!&lt;/strong&gt; What secondary gain! Look how many people you've gotten invested in this problem. May I suggest, just as with sex and money, the two most often fought-over subjects in a relationship, you've added a third &quot;red herring&quot; to &lt;em&gt;misdirect&lt;/em&gt; the actual problem. Yes, the cats are a problem, but they are most likely masks for bigger issues lurking underneath. And when both of you address &lt;em&gt;those,&lt;/em&gt; then nobody will have to (or get to) say &quot;I told you so.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6958" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-08T16:12:27.513" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T16:12:27.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5117" CreationDate="2017-10-08T16:15:54.983" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stick to the same restaurants, and you won’t have to re-educate the staff per your special habits. You may have boxed yourself in as a special needs customer with an eccentricity that you are entitled to. But how can you say it’s no big deal when you describe it as so important to you?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you need in a new setting, though, is to nod that your food’s okay &lt;em&gt;without smiling&lt;/em&gt; and you’ll convey without rudeness that you’re no Chatty Cathy doll. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="528" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T16:15:54.983" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4669" CreationDate="2017-10-08T17:02:11.647" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;The article you quoted mentioned 'discussing' taboo topics. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The article mentions talking about them more but doesn't say whether such discussions actually cause any change in people's perceptions of the topics.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But your question body suggests you just 'mention' them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Do studies show that mentioning a &quot;taboo&quot; topic to someone has a &quot;normalizing&quot; effect in relation to that topic on those people?&lt;/em&gt; &lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You were right stating this about the article:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I think it's really focusing on actual conversations.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I read in your question, you're not 'discussing' the breastfeeding with your colleagues, but you only mention it in passing when you're going to do it. For me, there's a significant difference between 'discussing/talking about' and 'mentioning' a topic. So for the sake of this answer, I'm working from the premise that you are having an actual talk/discussion about a taboo subject because that's the part I think that can be answered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like you to take a look at &lt;a href=&quot;http://theoatmeal.com/comics/believe&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this web comic&lt;/a&gt;. No really, read it. It does a really good job at explaining 'the backfire effect'. This effect is the explanation for 'why' people feel uncomfortable when you discuss topics with them that are taboo (for them), and it's also of huge importance as an answer to &lt;em&gt;whether such discussions actually cause any change in people's perceptions of the topics&lt;/em&gt;, the answer being that it's very dependent on the person with which these things are discussed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.britannica.com/topic/taboo-sociology&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;From the dictionary:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A taboo is a vehement prohibition of an action based on the belief that such behavior is either too sacred or too accursed for ordinary individuals to undertake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So basically, when trying to normalise the discussion of a taboo topic, you're challenging somebodies belief that that specific topic shouldn't be discussed, at all. That's a difficult thing to do. Because of the backfire effect, openly challenging an idea (that you shouldn't discuss things) might actually confirm for those people the idea that this is exactly something that shouldn't be discussed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on a list of sources I have read: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://josephinebila.com/how-to-talk-about-taboo-subjects/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this website&lt;/a&gt;, mentioning that cancer is now a lot less stigmatised than before. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://effectiviology.com/backfire-effect-facts-dont-change-minds/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt;, about the backfire effect and how understanding it can help you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://youarenotsosmart.com/2011/06/10/the-backfire-effect/#more-1218&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this webpage&lt;/a&gt;, more information about the backfire effect, also in relation to 'taboo' topics like stem-cell research.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11109-010-9112-2&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this abstract&lt;/a&gt;, about political misconceptions, information and backfire effect.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://psmag.com/news/why-even-your-best-arguments-never-work-64910&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this web page&lt;/a&gt;, stating that weaker arguments are more likely to change a persons mind.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1207/s15328023top0802_11?journalCode=htop20&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the first page of this article&lt;/a&gt;, encouraging discussing menstruation in the classroom.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3494081/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt; about the positive effects of discussing sex with an older generation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've made the following conclusions: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've found no evidence that casually mentioning taboo topics alone (I'm going to breastfeed, I'm having a period, I'm homosexual) makes these topics any less taboo to discuss for people. Mentioning it gives a signal that you are up to further discussing the topic, although the people for whom the topic is an absolute taboo aren't very likely to come and discuss it further with you. They might even go into defensive mode as a result of a backfire effect, and use it to further build up their own views. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You might spark curiosity by making statements about taboo topics. If people are even slightly interested, it's nice to know that there's somebody there with whom they can discuss things. That there's a person there to answer all the awkward questions, and speak from experience. But this requires a 'willing to learn' attitude from the other person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're going to have a real talk/discussion about a taboo topic and you want to change a person's perspective of that topic, a lot depends on how you discuss the topic AND how open the other person is to changing their perception, but if these are both present, it will certainly help in normalising the topic&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Do studies show that mentioning a &quot;taboo&quot; topic to someone has a &quot;normalizing&quot; effect in relation to that topic on those people? If it does, I'm happy to continue but if it doesn't, it may be better to stop risking making my friends and coworkers uncomfortable.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say the benefits outweigh the risks on this point. You're making a statement that you're ready to discuss these things people, when they are ready. If you're making people very uncomfortable, they will show/tell you. And even that opens up a conversation in which you can explain why you aren't uncomfortable mentioning the topic. So, after the research I have done, I'd say just continue what you're doing, until you're asked to do otherwise, then respect that person wishes if you can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T17:02:11.647" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5116" CreationDate="2017-10-08T19:24:45.190" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Programming languages and software stacks are just tools that we use to create a solution to a problem. It's just like a screwdriver or a hammer. No tool does everything perfectly, and they are all compromises, it's just a fact of life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Peter's problem is that he still believes there is a perfect tool, so he doesn't understand why other people don't use his favorite. This is the origin of the issue here, and this is bad engineering practice. Pretty much every bit of software sucks hard at something, from exec speed to development speed to availability of developers on the job market, really there are many aspects. C++ sucks, java also sucks, and let's not even talk about PHP. But they all suck at different things, and when your problem is out of the domain where they suck, these tools can work really well. (Admittedly, someone defending PHP would have a hard time, though).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is similar to choosing a microcontroller in electronics. For any given generic problem there will usually be at least 10 solutions, so the fanboys of each brand will get into a mud fight. While the proper answer is always &quot;hey, you know how to use this one and it does the job just fine, why the hell would you spend a week learning another toolchain when you can do it in two hours with the one you're used to?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when Peter starts to bitch because John didn't use his favorite tool, John could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I know, I agree with you this has its own set of compromises. But for this specific problem, I think picking this specific bit of software works well. It's slower than [your favorite tool] but it was faster to develop for me, because I know it well. It may not be the most elegant solution but it does the job just fine. Also my colleague know this tool so he can maintain it too.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick is to agree that in engineering everything is a compromise (which is true) so it all comes down to which aspects of the tool match the problem at hand, which will make it a good or bad choice. John should agree with Peter on the ways his choice of tools suck, but then he should point out that for the problem at hand, these are really off-topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Important end note: If Bob wants Peter to stop being an annoying fanboy, Bob must lead by example and stop being a fanboy for his own choice of tools.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T11:28:11.553" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T11:28:11.553" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5139" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5116" CreationDate="2017-10-08T21:56:48.530" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The danger of these kind of discussions popping up is omnipresent among technology people.  It's the dark underside lurking beneath the glamour and sex-appeal of our profession.  It is a perilous tightrope we walk: one one side is the Void; on the other side, a void pointer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; John do?  He has to remember these two magic words:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Guys.  Focus.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is usually enough, especially if there is an actual work conversation which is being disrupted.  If not, you can follow up with &quot;We really need to talk about [real topic].  When you're done with [vi vs emacs|where to put your curly braces|whatever], come see me.&quot;  Look annoyed when you say this, because you are annoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this as soon as the conversation starts spiraling.  It won't save you always, but I've had pretty good results with this approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Except ... there are days when I've been weak and thrown in on these topics myself...  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T21:56:48.530" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5101" CreationDate="2017-10-08T22:17:38.777" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recommend falling back on one key phrase:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Not interested.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use them early and often, whenever Bob tries to start on one of his polemics with you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he keeps pushing, &quot;Why not?  Why not?  Why not?&quot; sort of thing, point out that &quot;it's a long long road to Damascus&quot;, and you're willing to talk to God about it, &quot;just not, well, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The basic point here:  make such conversations unrewarding for Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't the way I'd handle it personally, but you'd stated you don't want to have a massive argument with Bob (turns out I do, but I don't know the guy, so... ;D)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-08T22:17:38.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5141" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-09T00:36:38.327" Score="2" ViewCount="2464" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am very seriously religious, but never mention it to others because I notice it makes them uncomfortable. Plus, I don't want anyone to feel that I am telling them my beliefs are more right than theirs and hurt their feelings. If I feel someone &lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt; is overstepping their boundaries, I usually either joke to change the subject or ask them a question about why they feel that way, so they realize I'm a little bugged and (hopefully) drop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, two times in the past few years, I have had professors step over the line in the middle of class. The first time, I had a professor who had told the class several times that she converted from my faith because she thought its tenets were wrong and she felt it too oppressive. On this particular day she told the class a &quot;fact&quot; about what my faith holds which I knew to be wrong. I raised my hand and mentioned that I was &quot;pretty sure that xx's &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; believe yy&quot;. The teacher asked me how I knew, and I said I learned about it in a class (true, just very vague about circumstances). She then said that she knew I was wrong, and several other students chimed in to support her position. During the rest of class, she kept harping on this idea and mentioning how she had converted because of &quot;wrong&quot; ideas such as this one. I started to feel really bothered about the negative way she was portraying my religion, but I never said anything to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second time, a different professor had been similarly clear about how she disliked my faith, except she cited the fact that people of my religion had often oppressed her/tried to convert her/mocked her ideas/etc. She generalized this to the idea that people of my faith tended to impose their ideals on people of hers, rather than just her. Her most popular examples were where coworkers &quot;insulted&quot; her and she mentioned the fact to a supervisor.&#xA; (Tangentially-related: She was also very political and often encouraged students to go to rallies in support of her chosen political candidate or position. Other students would sometimes mention before she came in the room that they felt unable to share their ideas politically because she might dock their grade for being &quot;wrong&quot; or insulting to her.) Again, I stayed silent but was seriously bugged. There was never a specific time when she said something &lt;em&gt;objectively&lt;/em&gt; wrong, so I never felt justified in speaking up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was so bothered at one point that I went to a support group for my faith on campus. They actually mentioned (without anyone bringing it up) that they intended to have discussions throughout the year about the anti-xx sentiments on campus. The group leader mentioned how uncomfortable moments could be great opportunities to reexamine and strengthen one's own faith. Not surprisingly, they did not come up with a miracle cure-all for the discomfort part at that single meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question:&lt;/strong&gt; If this happens in the future, &lt;strong&gt;how do I ask someone in a position of authority to stop talking about my religion?&lt;/strong&gt; I don't want to tell them my religion (I feel like it will lower me in their estimation, or put my objectivity into question) or convince them to change their ideas. I also don't want to seem aggressive and get reported to a conduct board. However, I don't want to fight back tears and I just can't seem to toughen up to the point where I can calmly do nothing. Is there any action I can take to make class (or another situation) more bearable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6971" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T01:07:01.940" Title="How do I politely let a professor know she has offended me?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;&lt;authority-figures&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-10-09T08:32:36.160" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5141" CreationDate="2017-10-09T01:07:01.940" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to deal with these situations, in a lot of cases, is to approach your professor before or after class and explain why what they said, or what they're saying, makes you uncomfortable. Many professors will also have time allotted on their schedule for private in office meetings where you could approach them more discreetly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know first hand that it can be really uncomfortable to have to out yourself, to an authority figure, to explain something that's very personal and important to you. If it helps, try to keep in mind that you're not only standing up for yourself, you're also standing up for all the people like you that will have to sit through one of these talks in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be worthwhile to start off with something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry you had a bad experience with X, but what you experienced is not what X is about or what X really believes in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then go on to explain your experience with X. If they're a decent, rational person they'll likely understand where you're coming from and may curtail some of they're speeches. If nothing else, they'll be aware that what they're saying is hurting someone in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T01:07:01.940" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5143" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-09T01:21:42.500" Score="16" ViewCount="5653" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; I was born female and I am hetero-romantic, but I'm starting to think that I might be both &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;asexual&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer#Definitions_and_identity&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;agender&lt;/a&gt;. I have always been uncomfortable with the idea that I am &quot;supposed&quot; to look, act, and feel certain ways because I am female, but I don't want to be male, either. Overall, &quot;gender&quot; just doesn't make sense to me. I also find the thought of reproduction absolutely repulsive. I dislike listing myself as something other than straight, and it's a really new idea for me to do that, but using the term seems to help other people understand my position on the whole ...&lt;em&gt;situation&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation:&lt;/strong&gt; Now, I have this straight male friend whom I've known for over 12 years now. I have had a crush on him for at least the last four years, and I am fairly sure he likes me as well. He asked me out once, but I never actually answered him, and we've continued being &quot;just friends&quot; since then. We have started seeing more of each other lately, and I'm starting to get the idea that he wants to move things forward romantically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, we talk to each other about all kinds of things, and one time our conversation turned to LGBTQ issues and gender dysphoria. He explained that he didn't really &quot;get&quot; the whole concept and found it really weird and unsettling. If I had to choose one word to describe him, it would be &quot;gentleman&quot;. He holds the door open for women, took cotillion classes as a kid, and hopes to someday have a wife and kids. Although I have mentioned that I dislike being called a &quot;woman&quot; and the idea of physically having kids, it was always in a semi-joking way, and I don't think he is aware that I was serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really like this guy and I enjoy having someone to talk to with virtually no subjects off-limits. But I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place: either keep a really massive secret from him or risk alienating him. In addition, if he does ever ask me out, should I even pursue a relationship knowing that he will always want someone without reservations about sex or her role as a wife. That is all pretty far away, but it just seems cruel to enter a relationship thinking there is a 100% possibility of both parties being hurt and no chance of achieving the ultimate &quot;goal&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question(s):&lt;/strong&gt; Do I tell my friend I think I am not straight? Do I pursue a romantic relationship with him with or without sharing that secret? Should I risk losing him as a friend by possibly breaking up with him later because we are just too different?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6974" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T23:31:46.390" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T16:12:31.210" Title="How do I let someone I'm romantically interested in know I think we wouldn't work out because I am not straight?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3913" CreationDate="2017-10-09T01:45:41.783" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Go to his shop with a girlfriend, look over and openly discuss his menu, recommend stuff to each other. (just between you two, you know, giggly, good mood girl chat) Let your friend know how wonderful [the things Bob brought over previously] are...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;But you know now that I've cut out (cut back) my sugar I need to find a new favorite...&quot;  It's casual conversation between friends, that Bob happens to overhear.  Then hopefully find something good on his menu that meets your dietary requirements, buy it, you and your friend taste it, lavish praise on Bob for it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6376" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T01:45:41.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5145" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5143" CreationDate="2017-10-09T02:12:34.070" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Long story short, you don't need to tell him, but you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; be ready to tell him.  It's not necessarily something that he needs to know right off the bat, but it's something that you have to be ready to tell him at the right moment, and be willing to accept whatever consequences come from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dating is a game of figuring out what two people want, and seeing if those wants line up.  Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.  Most people know this.  What isn't so commonly known is that often &lt;em&gt;people don't know what they want&lt;/em&gt; going into a relationship.  They find that thing along the way.  When you say &quot;there is a 100% possibility of both parties being hurt and no chance of achieving the ultimate 'goal,'&quot; that assumes both parties know what they want going into the relationship.  I find real people aren't so simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a line in the sand, however.  If the relationship progresses towards marriage, you must be ready to tell him before you get married.  Without putting too many details on the internet, I'll just state that I am an authority on the issue.  Differences in levels of sexual desire can be a sufficient force to end marriages, and at the very least call for some very &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201303/how-couples-can-cope-different-libidos-sexual-desire&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;open discussions&lt;/a&gt; about the topic.  You really don't want to have the feeling that you &quot;trapped&quot; someone with a marriage.  It'll wear on you every single day, bleeding off the energy you need to be spending on the relationship to keep it alive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dating, however, is not a trap.  If they want to walk away, they can.  It's just some of their time, not the rest of their life.  Don't feel bad testing the waters.  Our culture is moving further away from the &quot;traditional&quot; relationship every year.  You and he may find that a nontraditional relationship works just fine!  Just make sure that, when the important moment arises, you are willing to tell him, before it's too late.  It sounds like you guys are very open, so you may find that the right time to tell him is early.  Or it may be something to discuss before picking a wedding day.  Or somewhere in between.  Just make sure you are comfortable with telling him, and accepting what comes from it.  If the day comes, you have to be ready to not back down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T02:12:34.070" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5143" CreationDate="2017-10-09T04:06:26.347" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do I tell my friend I think I am not straight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you want to identify is entirely up to you. That said, you mentioned that you're leaning towards agender, asexual, and hetero-romantic. I would recommend telling him more than &quot;not straight&quot; if and when you decide to have that conversation. Make it clear if you're attracted to him and what that means for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do I pursue a romantic relationship with him with or without sharing that secret? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the length of time that you've known him... I would advise against anything other than being completely up front and honest with him.  If he was someone you had just met, going on a few dates and seeing how you feel before disclosing could make sense, but even then I don't recommend it. People can, and often do, react poorly if they feel they've been led on or deceived, particularly when it comes to dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That means if you want to pursue a romantic relationship, you two are going to have to have some long honest talks about what you're both looking for in a partner. If those talks go well and you're both looking for similar things, it may be absolutely wonderful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've met a couple people who were in a similar situation. Believe it or not, one partner was asexual and the other wasn't. They've been happily married for more than a decade now. Don't discount the possibility of having wonderful loving relationships simply because you're &quot;not straight&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I risk losing him as a friend by possibly breaking up with him later because we are just too different?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, can't really tell you what to do there. But I can tell you that breaking up doesn't necessarily mean that you can't be friends. My best friend in the world is someone I dated once upon a time, and well things didn't work out, but we're still close. I'm also pretty good friends with my ex-wife. Even if he doesn't work out there's plenty more where he came from ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;tl;dr&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be honest. Be upfront. And don't lose hope. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T04:13:23.160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T04:13:23.160" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5143" CreationDate="2017-10-09T05:59:50.180" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might just be missing the point by almost making this about labels. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you don't feel like the typical &quot;woman&quot;, the woman society expects you to be, act like, look like. I personally try not to care about gender roles and what society thinks (most of the time), though I wouldn't identify as asexual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend knows you for a long time and seems to like and have accepted you for who you are, not for what label you carry, &quot;woman&quot;, &quot;man&quot;, &quot;other&quot;, &quot;I don't know&quot;, &quot;there is no label to describe me, yet&quot;.&#xA;I'm sure he knows to some degree that you don't look or act like you're supposed to. Or do you?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do I tell my friend I think I am not straight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does it matter?  Since you seem to want to identify as something, what does &quot;straight&quot; mean to you? Aren't you attracted to him and interested in him romantically? You said you identify as hetero-romantic. &lt;strong&gt;Why not just tell him how you feel about him?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do I pursue a romantic relationship with him with or without sharing&#xA;  that secret?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you are romantically interested in him, are you also interested in having sex with him? If yes, then what is there to say other than perhaps you are not interested in having kids (if you think this will not change in the future, but do you know for sure?). However, &lt;strong&gt;if you aren't interested in having sex with him at all then this is something you definitely need to talk to him about and not hide and the sooner you do it, the better.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I risk losing him as a friend by possibly breaking up with him&#xA;  later because we are just too different?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can't know that. You might lose him as a friend if he can't feel he can be friends with you (he might be too attracted to you to see you as a friend). But what other option do you have? You are risking more by being dishonest with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to tell him how you feel about &quot;gender&quot;,  if you want to tell him what you think about society's expectations and how those don't fit with what you think about yourself, do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even say you don't feel you would be the typical wife because you just don't get what that really means. Just remember that a romantic relationship is about love and attraction (mental and physical) among other things like respect, communication, empathy and so on. &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Discuss with him what you want from your relationship and what being in a romantic relationship means to you.&lt;/strong&gt; You will likely get the answers you are looking for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T06:34:59.810" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T06:34:59.810" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5149" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5155" CreationDate="2017-10-09T06:12:47.047" Score="22" ViewCount="4656" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a sad situation with my girlfriend; however, I think a bit of context is needed to know for better understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have been together for 3 months now and I am actually her first real serious relationship (she's 20 and I'm 21).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By “serious” I mean that we both want something real and for the future. That we love each other&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(&lt;em&gt;I know I know... Please don't bother commenting how that is too soon for the word *love*. Just trust me on this one&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because this is her first time (only had one relation before and he cheated on her) it took her some time to get used to that intimacy in public and she was also a little bit scared to let me close in the beginning (emotionally and before we were in the relationship) but that is past now. I think this is important to know for what follows now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her beloved dog is getting put to sleep today...The dog had a real happy life and was such a sweetheart. Even I really fell for him really fast. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that everybody deals with these things differently and reacts differently... I just want to help her to get through this time. I can tell how hard this is for her. I was at her place yesterday and she really held back crying and tried to hide that fact to me. I don't mind that though. That's her decision and right, I don't wanna pressure myself onto her and so I decided to leave and let her have the last day on her own with the family and the dog.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her that I am always there for her and no matter what time she calls me, even in the middle of the night, I will directly drive to her if needed and skip work or arrange with my boss to be at work later. I also said that I would be there to just listen, or talk, or just hold her if that is what she needs and she really just needs to say it, otherwise I decided to give her some space and message her less the next few days (didn't tell her that though). To let her decide if she feels like talking/messaging and let her take all her time she needs to say goodbye and to process it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, we originally planned to do something cute/nice on Thursday and Friday. I wrapped my whole head around what I could plan for these days to maybe distract her and make those days just for &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt;. I know what she likes generally and would directly know what to plan if not in these circumstances but right now I don't know what to do. To cancel the days, or plan something and if what to plan because of the events...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I help her deal with losing her pet? I never had to deal with such a situation since I was alone for the most time in my life (relationship-wise) and only had to deal with the loss of loved ones myself but never had to help someone close to me with such a situation. What can I do if I want to distract her on Thursday/Friday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6980" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-10-18T00:33:46.937" LastActivityDate="2018-10-18T00:33:46.937" Title="How can I help someone over the loss of their dog?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5149" CreationDate="2017-10-09T07:55:08.040" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is only a real answer for your girlfriend's loss: &lt;strong&gt;time&lt;/strong&gt;. After you lose someone you love it's really hard to get through and your job here is to help her, since you want to be a real boyfriend and possibly something more in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best answer I can give you is do your best: &lt;strong&gt;provide her a good time&lt;/strong&gt;, let her know that she can count on you for the better and for the worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should not cancel those fun days. She needs distractions. How would you feel doing nothing at home when you lost someone you loved? Take her out. Have some fun. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My condolences and best of luck to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6520" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T07:55:08.040" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5117" CreationDate="2017-10-09T09:24:28.757" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just make sure right from the start he/she understands you will signal him/her if you need anything. If he/she is not the pig-headed type it will be perfectly clear and you should not be bothered other than with the bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if the person is doing his/her job well and is not busy all the time, he/she will from time to time stand around somewhere, which is a signal he/she is available at that moment if ever you need something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's all a matter of understanding each other. You have a nice meal and are well served, and the waiter or waitress gets a decent treatment, maybe a sign of appreciation and/or a tip, and everybody will be happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6993" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T09:24:28.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5149" CreationDate="2017-10-09T09:31:27.130" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been through this myself, with my own dogs (twice) and my former sister-in-law (SIL)'s dogs. I was the one who accompanied her and offered support. It's tough for both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give her time and love: be there, support her, say nothing if she remains silent, talk if she wants to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beside that, if she's willing to be nice and caring and loving to another dog in the future, you can offer her to adopt another dog. Many shelters, in many countries, let you adopt a pet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this time, it might be too early, as the pain and sorrow are awfully overwhelming. Only you know, and if not, she'll let you know later if she's ready or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you can always tell her how great her dog was, and that she'll be able to give and receive a lot of love from another one when the time for it has come...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did this for myself, and rescued the oldest and much shier dog from the shelter, as I always do. And so did my SIL after a couple of weeks. You never forget your old pal, but making another poor one happy is a relief for both of you, the dog and the human being. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T09:38:41.607" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T09:38:41.607" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5117" CreationDate="2017-10-09T09:54:31.663" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is pretty normal behaviour over here in the UK as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's simply the waiter being courteous by ensuring that you're happy with your meal and that you have everything you need.  If someone got the wrong order or if something was cold/too spicy, this is the time to report it and get it resolved.  This also relieves you of some of the embarrassment of having to wave a waiter over to sort something out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Waiters typically ask you &lt;strong&gt;only once&lt;/strong&gt; and then leave you to finish your meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The appropriate response is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, it's fine thank you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or (if your mouth is full)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Smile and nod&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By refusing the opportunity for the waiter to talk to you after the meal is served, you're waiving your right to get anything corrected.  Plus saying &quot;give me my meal and don't bother me afterwards&quot; is borderline rude (in my opinion).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T09:54:31.663" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5149" CreationDate="2017-10-09T11:25:13.723" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pet owners often have a very close emotional relationship with their pet. There might be people for whom it's &quot;just a dog&quot;. But there are also people on which the loss of a beloved pet has almost as much emotional impact as the loss of a human family member. So it should be treated in a similar way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is some advise from Caitlin Doughty, who comforts griefing people for a living. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66qk19eUEdw&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Ask a Mortician: Grief Talk&lt;/a&gt;. The video focuses on a far more serious situation (losing a baby), but can be applied to any grief situation. Her advise in a nutshell:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bad things you should &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just say nothing at all and try to distract them. They are constantly thinking about it anyway. It doesn't work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sympathize with them by bringing up an own loss you experienced to prove that you can relate to their situation. No, you can't relate. Everybody experiences grief in their own way. Also, you are now making this about yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them to cheer up and look at the bright side of life. It just puts them under pressure to get over their grief quickly. They will feel like they need to suppress their emotions and put on a fake smile in order to fit into society. Now they don't just feel bad about their loss, you also made them feel bad for feeling bad.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to give them any other advise about how to cope with their grief. Your advise is not useful, because everyone needs to find their own way to grief. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should say instead:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask the person how they are holding up&lt;/strong&gt;. It gives the other person the opportunity to share what they are comfortable sharing, but doesn't pressure them. They can just answer &quot;I am holding up fine&quot; or they can use the opportunity to tell you everything. It shows the griefing person that you are available to them, but gives them the power to control when, what and how much of their feelings they want to share with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, we originally planned to do something cute/nice on Thursday and Friday. I wrapped my whole head around what I could plan for these days to maybe distract her and make those days just for &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't! &lt;strong&gt;Ask&lt;/strong&gt; her what she wants to do. Maybe she wants to be distracted by doing something entertaining, but maybe she just wants to sit on the couch and mope. Maybe she wants you to be with her, maybe she wants to be alone or maybe she needs to be with some other person who is closer to her than you are (I know that it hurts you when &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt; is emotionally closer to the person you love than you are, but if you are genuinely interested in her benefit over your own, you need to accept that and take a step back. This is not the time for jealousy). You might know what she likes to do &lt;em&gt;generally&lt;/em&gt;, but this isn't a general situation. Only she knows what she wants to do right now. If you pressure her into doing something that doesn't feel right for her, she won't enjoy it and that means you won't enjoy it either. So if you guess wrong about what she needs right now, you will have a bad time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1943" LastEditorUserId="1943" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T13:14:59.953" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T13:14:59.953" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-09T12:54:42.083" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This has now become three issues for you :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) You want to win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) You want to defeat &quot;the evil&quot; Lily&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) You want him to demonstrate that he accepts your right to decide this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's looks at these :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(1) You want to win&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Between the mismanagement of this by both of you (mostly your BF) you are now in full blown confrontation mode (war mode, if you will).  Once people get to this frame of mind &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; winning will do.  And winning at any price (including the relationship) is what sometimes happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like all of these confrontations &lt;em&gt;diplomacy&lt;/em&gt; is the key to fixing this without the side effect of lots of collateral damage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Diplomacy is not instant gratification.  It requires patience and compromise.  It's accepting the big picture &quot;most of what I want&quot; instead of risking destroying everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(2) Defeat &quot;the evil&quot; Lily&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lily is a girl.  You are a girl.  You see Lily's wishes being put before yours as &lt;strong&gt;the&lt;/strong&gt; problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not be aware of it, but you're trying to repel all boarders because part of you is &lt;em&gt;furious&lt;/em&gt; that your BF has put &lt;em&gt;another girl's&lt;/em&gt; wishes before yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But Lily isn't the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a threat to your relationship or position.  She is simply an obsessive who doesn't care at all about the effect her obsessions have on other people.  Probably &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; this calms down, you and your BF need to avoid Lily for a while - this hassle no one needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your BF, who is probably innocently unaware of this aspect of the thing, doesn't know that the issue is your (instinctive) reaction to Lily's (apparent, but not real) significance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect he's just trying to do what he thinks is right for everyone (including the cats) without realizing that to you (on an instinctive level) it's now become a &quot;me or Lily&quot; thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to cut him some slack.  Support him, don't attack him.  He'll love you for supporting him, but he'll resent it if you attack him (push him).  That's the instinctive male reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to tell two people that this is the problem : your BF and yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(3) You want him to demonstrate that he accepts your right to decide this&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; have this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it's not what you really, really want if you thought it through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your really, really want (2) and you want him to be know about (2) being important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in any good, stable relationship you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; both have input and yet you sometimes have to let the other person have their way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to call Lily. Ideally, I would like to send her a message asking her to take the male cat until we find a place that will neuter him for free (I don't want to tell her I have found one yet to see what she's going to do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually you want to rip Lily a new one !  It's as clear as day in what you write (and in the previous question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; do is precisely nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your BF (the poor sod in the middle) has already said he will sort it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So support him in doing that and &lt;em&gt;wait for it to happen&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you guys actually end up together for the duration (the presumed objective of all relationships that last past sex) then thirty years from now you won't believe you once risked your relationship over an argument about cats or Lily !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T12:54:42.083" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5116" CreationDate="2017-10-09T15:20:11.497" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two of the answers look at this situation from a technology standpoint, but what about a generic situation (which the question asked) - &lt;strong&gt;how to avoid or stop an argument involving opinions or nuances?&lt;/strong&gt;  This could just as easily happen in a sales discussion or a mechanical discussion.  People begin to take sides and start arguing without hearing the other side (or wanting to, in some cases).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;At some point, arguing becomes more expensive than doing something.  Think of a simple example where a couple are arguing over which restaurant to go to over opinions about restaurants: if they argue for an hour or more, they aren't eating.  At some point, it's completely wasteful to argue than to just flip a coin.  To solve this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Time the discussion.  If no one agrees, a neutral party gets to&#xA;pick or a solution is randomly chosen (coins, dice, etc).  In the&#xA;case of two mechanics arguing, would a client be okay with an extra&#xA;$500 charge because of the hour cost of mechanics disagreeing?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Limit the time of each participant to make their point.  In your example, you had 4 people, so each person gets 7 minutes to make their case, if you had a total of 30 minutes (2 minutes for the decision).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Remind everyone about the big picture - &quot;We're trying to resolve&#xA;our client's car issue.&quot;  Opinions have pros and cons, but none of&#xA;them outweigh the client.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In general, we can't prevent people from disagreeing, we can aim to have rules about disagreeing.  I like how you think about prevention, but it's hard to prevent a disagreement if we allow input (one way to prevent is never allow input - but is that better?).  However, when we ask for input which may lead to a discussion or argument, let's set some boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For higher-ups (managers), you should always consider hiring people who are willing to lose.  In my first point, I assume that at some point people can be rational and take a &quot;loss&quot; before more time is wasted.  What happens when people are all ego and can't lose?  Don't hire them - and I don't care how good they are.  At some point, we're all going to lose a discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;While most people will view this question from work, what about general relationships - like friends arguing over an opinion?  Because there isn't a final product or an end-client (ie: not work related), disengage early.  People seldom change their mind from arguments and there's a ton of research on this.  If you're in a situation where you can disengage (general social situation), do so.  Generally, work conflicts won't allow this as easily.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T15:20:11.497" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5117" CreationDate="2017-10-09T15:41:29.353" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;My answer is very similar to what has already been said, but I would add that it is expected of the waiter to check up on you. So if you follow people's advice here and ask the waiter to leave you alone, I think you should prepare yourself that a busy waiter can still ask you how things are &lt;b&gt;out of habit.&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, here's the phrasing I would use to keep things light. After placing your order:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, and by the way, I really like being here undisturbed in my own little bubble. There's no need to check up on me, I'll let you know when I need something. (I'd really appreciate it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also ask their name right before you say the above. You can insert their name somewhere to make it a more personal request. I feel like the other answers are quite dismissive of the behavior expected of a waiter. This way you tell them how they serve you best, which is ultimately what they should want as well (because tips).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3388" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T15:41:29.353" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5160" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5149" CreationDate="2017-10-09T16:09:34.123" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hesitate to provide this as an answer, but it's worked well for me on two occasions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people die we tend to have funerals and memorials, but pets usually go without such formalities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A nice memorial can be a great gift for someone who has had such a loss.  It acts as a keepsake and a item of remembrance, and its more &quot;official&quot; than a simple photograph.  I found mine on Etsy, but there are other companies that make laser engraved pet (or person) memorial stones.  They are typically a black granite tile that has a photo of the pet and a name, date, phrase whatever laser etched/engraved on the stone.  The etching is permanent and is suitable for indoors or out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The people that I gave them to both really loved the stones, and they keep them prominently displayed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I think this is particularly meaningful for cultures that would typically have a burial with a gravestone, so adjust this advice as culturally necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="353" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T16:09:34.123" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4269" CreationDate="2017-10-09T18:09:37.853" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to forcefully take matters into your own hands because she is clearly being played, and therefore, under the drug of &quot;love,&quot; does not have her best interests in mind. You need to clearly and strongly express your dissatisfaction and disagreement with this relationship to all people involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and her family needs to let him (and his family) know that he is an inferior person, and not welcomed around her, and that it would be in his best interests to avoid her, despite his love or whatever. This should be made in a serious and threatening, but legal, manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her family should also put pressure on her to not be involved with this guy. Depending on the situation ,there are some things that only the family can really do, so you may have to work with them. They need to threaten to disown her and refuse to provide for her financially if this marriage were to occur. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6777" LastEditorUserId="6777" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T18:17:43.283" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T18:17:43.283" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5164" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5165" CreationDate="2017-10-09T20:42:04.347" Score="5" ViewCount="2478" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a large shared house and it's a miracle things work as well as they do. There's one problem that's come up a few times and I'm not sure how to address it. One of my roommates has a boyfriend who often visits. He has a really loud voice (actually not so much loud, but very deep so you can hear it through walls). Her room is right beneath mine. Oftentimes they stay up late watching movies and I can hear them talking and laughing (mainly the boyfriend). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's the best way to address the issue?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally I would just ask someone directly, but since this is a guest of someone else, it seems different. I was thinking of leaving an anonymous note. Should I single him out, as it really is only him who speaks loud at night time, or should I word it as a general request to whisper after night time? What specifically should the note say? My goal is to not be disturbed by his voice while resting and not offend anyone or make enemies with his girlfriend/my housemate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;When I say late, I'm talking about after midnight.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7017" LastEditorUserId="7017" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T08:05:22.883" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T08:05:22.883" Title="Housemate's boyfriend speak loudly at night" Tags="&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5164" CreationDate="2017-10-09T21:10:52.930" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would avoid leaving &lt;a href=&quot;https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5597/15430732417_49d22b754f_z.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;an anonymous note&lt;/a&gt;... These can come across as being passive aggressive, see &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/&lt;/a&gt;, and it may be easy enough to handle it more directly in person anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having lived with a great many roommates, it's often easy to make a general request to the group, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey folks would you mind making an effort to keep it down after midnight? The walls are thin here and I can hear you talking at night. I don't mean to be harsh about it, but I have to get up early in the morning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And leave it at that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the problem persists, you may need to go down stairs and tap on their door and ask them more specifically to keep the noise down, but hopefully it won't come to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-09T21:40:16.000" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T21:40:16.000" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5050" CreationDate="2017-10-09T23:00:24.687" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell my boyfriend &quot;I told you so&quot; (about the whole thing)&#xA;  without sounding rude and then that I would like to take care of this&#xA;  my way or I don't want to hear about the cats waking him up ever&#xA;  again? (He gets angry easily especially when I mention Lily).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By not using the phrase &lt;code&gt;I told you so&lt;/code&gt; but by focusing on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;your received impact&lt;/a&gt; of the situation. I'm shooting out a couple of example suggestions,&#xA;take what you want/feel fits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From the beginning I was sceptical and now what I feared have come true. I feel ignored and I feel that my worries were not valued.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need you take responsibility for resolving the situation. I am severely stressed by it, I loose sleep over it and I am disappointed when nothing happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need us to be able to talk about Lily without anger getting in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(the phrase &lt;code&gt;you getting angry&lt;/code&gt; has a high probability of triggering defence reactions, so try to avoid).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for concrete actions to resolve the issue it needs to be your both's solutions, not his or your way. Even if what you are proposing is undeniably the best thing, you need him to agree, accept and take ownership of it as well. If not he will feel overrun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you are starting by bringing a &quot;finished&quot; solution to the table, he will likely start by feeling overrun. So I suggest that you try to come up with something &lt;strong&gt;together&lt;/strong&gt; by using a problem solving matrix: take a piece of paper and divide into three coloumns:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt; What is the problem(s)   |  What is the cause(s)  |  What is the solution(s)&#xA;--------------------------+------------------------+---------------------------&#xA;                          |                        |&#xA;                          |                        |&#xA;                          |                        |&#xA;                          |                        |&#xA;                          |                        |&#xA;                          |                        |&#xA;                          |                        |&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are several problems/causes/solutions. Explore all of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1797" LastActivityDate="2017-10-09T23:00:24.687" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5164" CreationDate="2017-10-10T01:46:43.983" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Normally I would just ask someone directly...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're on good terms with your roommate (the one with the baritone friend), you can simply ask her to ask her guest to speak softly after a certain hour so you can get your rest. You don't have to ask the baritone at all. If she's a thoughtful person, she'll understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Katy, I don't know if you realize how well &lt;em&gt;Baritone's&lt;/em&gt; voice carries through the ceiling. If you want to sometime, you can have him talk/laugh, and come up and listen. It's fine until I need to wind down for bed. Do you think you could speak quietly after X o'clock? Thanks so much!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, a few polite reminders (and a white noise machine) might help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T01:46:43.983" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5171" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5181" CreationDate="2017-10-10T04:07:07.953" Score="44" ViewCount="60672" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend has been there for me through the worst times of my life, and to the point where no one really helped me besides her. She's going through a bit of a rough time now and I've done everything I can to help her. I normally do answer her calls and I can sit on the phone with her for literally &lt;em&gt;hours&lt;/em&gt; while only she rants about her problems. But I started grad school and I just can't do it anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will call me 8-10 times a day. And before I used to answer every time but I genuinely can't now. So when she calls I don't pick up and I politely text her that I'm busy right now and I'll call her when I get a chance. She says okay but then continues to call me profusely. She calls me while I'm in class, even though I tell her every night that I'm in class. She apologizes afterwards but I can't handle this anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is way too dependent on me and I'm honestly just tired of hearing her problems 24/7. I used to do it but it's been 7 months of the same stuff, and I honestly don't empathize with her. She's suffocating me and I feel like I'm going to explode. I can meet her, spend the whole day with her, and after going home, she will still call me. I used to deal with this but I'm so frustrated now and I don't know how to handle this situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's so so sensitive and I know that if I spoke to her about this, she would absolutely lose her mind (even if I did it in the gentlest way possible). My plan so far is just to keep ignoring her calls and text her saying I'm busy, maybe she'll get the hint after a while (although she hasn't already). And I also feel a little guilt because she was there for me when I needed someone and I needed help in a way I never thought someone would do, so I feel like if I don't answer her all the time, that I'm using her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I handle this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some questions answered:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Does she have a job or not?&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's not unemployed. She recently found a job after she graduated college last year. However, right after graduation she was hired but then fired because the boss believed she was unintelligent and made too many mistakes. She recently found another job where the boss is making the same criticisms of her and she is getting paid peanuts. She is very upset by this and has been looking for jobs but she never gets any call backs.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Does she live with her family?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She lives with her family. She constantly complains about them as well because they don't support her emotionally but in my opinion every does try to support her emotionally but she just takes it too far and requires too much at a certain point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;How old am I? How old is she? How long have we been friends and what do we both do?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just turned 21, I currently have a job as a software engineer and I am in grad school working towards my PhD in pure math. She is 24, has a degree in psychology and is working in a law firm as some kind of administrative assistant. We've been friends for 3 years but only became close over the past year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Has her mood shifted, was she cheerful before? What triggered this?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was cheerful but this past year is when we got really close. She wouldn't have opened up to me this much last year. What triggered this was some friendships ended in her life. She took it so badly. These girls who were her friends gave her advice on how to potentially find a guy because all she complains about is how ugly she is and how much guys don't want to be with her, and she was offended and then they stopped talking to her and she hasn't gotten over it since. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Do you think she is depressed?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do think she is depressed, I suggested seeing a therapist (as I do) and recommended her to my center. She started going but she complains about the therapist not seeing eye to eye with her there as well. &#xA;I have spoken about this with my therapist but he hasn't advised me of anything yet, maybe I will ask him next session. I don't think she is a threat to herself at all but she will just get even more depressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;How does the stuff she's done for me compare to the stuff I've done for her?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to compare but I think they are about the same level but I just feel so indebted to her because I never had someone care so much to help me that much from late night outings to holding me while crying. Granted, I've done the same for her but I still feel bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, there are no romantic feelings involved at all. We are both straight women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7025" LastEditorUserId="7025" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T14:32:59.500" LastActivityDate="2019-03-13T20:59:14.670" Title="How can I get a friend to stop calling me all of the time?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5171" CreationDate="2017-10-10T04:30:38.517" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;How about setting up a &quot;phone date&quot; at a time when you're free but you have somewhere you need to be at the end, so she can't extend the &quot;phone date&quot; time? That way you can be relaxed during the day, and not need to feel guilty about screening her calls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for how to discuss it, maybe you could say something like, &quot;you know how I've been really busy with grad school, well my professors have asked us to keep our phones off during lectures. I want to keep in touch with you though, so how about we have a regular conversation at 6pm each night for an hour? That way you'll know when you'll be able to reach me and I'll always be free for you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3899" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T04:30:38.517" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5174" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5259" CreationDate="2017-10-10T06:08:26.457" Score="36" ViewCount="18694" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;There are no religious or other prejudices against / bans on onanism, so this is not an issue. It's just about the awkwardness of the situation.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;This happened some time ago and I still wonder what I should/could have done better.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bob&lt;/strong&gt; is a relative of mine around the age of puberty.  I am about ten years his senior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was visiting another relative during holidays, so were Bob and his family. When I arrived, no cars were parked outside, so I thought nobody was at home. Unbeknownst to me, the others had left for while, except for Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went to one of the bedrooms to store my luggage and swiftly opened the door. Bob hadn't &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4872/how-do-i-announce-my-presence-to-someone-who-is-not-aware-of-it-without-frighten&quot;&gt;heard my steps&lt;/a&gt; and was masturbating. For sure, I was quite surprised when I saw him and he was startled. I immediately closed the door and went into the other bedroom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He kept some distance from me for the rest of our stay, as if he was ashamed&#xA;(blushing when he became aware of me, avoiding eye contact etc.). Apart from that, we interacted normally, so no one else probably noticed something. My reaction was to not talk about the incident and act, as if nothing had happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal is for Bob to feel comfortable and not ashamed and to get over it soon.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not have a problem with what he did and don't think, that we should make a mountain out of a molehill. But I got the feeling, that for Bob it must have been very uncomfortable, because I &amp;quot;caught&amp;quot; him literally pants down and he is a bit shy (I imagine it would have been easier had a male relative surprised him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What would have been a good response to the incident?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure, if my reaction (acting as if nothing had happened) was the best. What are better approaches to ease Bob's pain?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;On a note: Since he is not part of my immediate family, we see each other irregularly.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-11-21T15:16:26.207" Title="How do I respond to catching someone in an embarrassing situation?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5171" CreationDate="2017-10-10T06:52:35.923" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This might sound and read harsh and mean but is highly not meant that way. It may be controversial the way I go about it but if you think so, please let's have calm discussion with fair criticism.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I had a similar situation not that long ago. She was there for me but then things changed and she needed me. And I did everything I could but it only got more and more need as with your friend and you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As harsh this may sound now, please continue reading, you need to realize that everything comes to an 'end'. By 'end' I mean the end of where you can actually help. If that friend is too dependent and you feel like nothing is changing on her side and she just mourns but does nothing to change it, she propably just does that. You did already a lot for her and you need to keep &lt;strong&gt;yourself&lt;/strong&gt; in mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you wrote I think this is really getting to you and that you are starting to suffer from it and that is where you should pull the handbrake and take a step back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now comes the part on how to maybe do it and for me personally honesty at all times is the most important. Maybe tell her how you feel and that you still want to be there for her but it is getting out of hand. As Erin already suggested a fixed time could be something good to start shrinking her time to call.&#xA;But I can understand your concerns and thoughts. That's a really hard step to make but sometimes it is needed for the own sake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to stop helping completely! Just be honest with the way you feel about it and that it can't go own like that. Take a little break and then try to find a solution both of you can work and live with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a last note:&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Don't think that you are using her.&lt;/strong&gt; She helped you and now &lt;strong&gt;you helped&lt;/strong&gt; her. You 'repayed' and you for sure are a &lt;strong&gt;good friend&lt;/strong&gt;. That's not using her at all but thinking about your own sake and health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6980" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T06:52:35.923" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-10T07:21:54.353" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Embarrassing situations like these are very tricky to address. Mainly because there's a good chance that they can fester and create rifts between those involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often advice people to address awkward situations before they become more awkward but in this case I would probably tell you to forget about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this is a person that you see irregularly, you need to gauge the situation after a reasonable time has passed. If you meet up again after a few weeks and the situation is awkward to a point where you can't have a healthy relationship with that person, then I would sit down and talk with them. If you feel uncomfortable then I would advise you to have a male relative intervene.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That of course might create even more embarrassment on Bob's side since he thought that only you knew, but now more people know - what if his parents know - what if the whole family knows etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approach with care. It's easy to turn a small embarrassment to something greater.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T07:21:54.353" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-10T07:24:14.403" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may sound a little blunt, but it's what I'd do...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pull the lad aside.  Tell him, &quot;Hey, it's okay.  There is no problem.  And we will never, ever discuss it again.  Now give Auntie a hug and then scat, sprat.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Except ... I guess I'd be Uncle, not Auntie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Update:  I'll mention in the notes below there is a lot of back-and-forth about whether a hug in this scenario is a good idea.  This part is &lt;strong&gt;entirely&lt;/strong&gt; dependent on what your family is like.  Some fams are big huggers.  Some ain't.  OP or anyone in a similar situation -- how often does this come up, anyway? -- will have to be aware of pre-existing hug dynamics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="6468" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T02:07:49.713" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T02:07:49.713" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5164" CreationDate="2017-10-10T07:34:51.730" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In situations like these, the problem is not the boyfriend but the roommate. The roommate is renting the room, not the boyfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to address the issue directly with the roommate, preferably when the boyfriend is not around. You need to be polite and direct. Joking about it won't help your situation at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you talk to her and the problem persists, the next step is to knock on their door when the noise gets too loud and ask them to be quiet explaining that although it might sound strange, the sound insulation on the ceiling is really bad and you're unable to sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do that a few times and see if the situation improves. If it doesn't perhaps you can contact the landlord/leasing company/association and register a complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T07:34:51.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-10T07:35:29.927" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;The person who should be embarrassed is not Bob, but you because you walked into somebody's bedroom that had a closed door, &lt;em&gt;…and swiftly opened the door.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited&lt;/strong&gt; (see comments below): Yes, you were visiting and you were a guest and thought nobody was home, but you doublecheck. Someone might have been napping when you entered without knocking or calling out their name. Instead, you caught Bob masturbating, when he thought he was alone. Which is a perfectly healthy and normal behavior for teenagers of both sexes, but a little less so in somebody's home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you see Bob, be the one to apologize. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what happened last [date/period]. Can you please forgive me for being a true klutz?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will shift the responsibility onto yourself, and help alleviate some of Bob's natural embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3114" LastEditorDisplayName="user3114" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T06:24:09.190" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T06:24:09.190" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-10T07:54:51.463" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;Acting as if nothing has happened is the best reaction for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I comment, masturbating is a &quot;perfectly natural, normal thing&quot;. The reference came from the movie &quot;American Pie&quot;, where Jim's dad stumble across Jim masturbating, and he tried to make an apology and educate his son at the same time, which is pretty awkward and embarrassing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just move on. Since Bob is at the age of puberty, you further mentioned the incident might giving him impression of  &quot;I am here to talk about the incident and judge your behavior&quot;. He might overthink the issue and cause even more problem. Besides, he probably hope you will just forget the incident and act as if never happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, approach him for a talk will gain nothing but even more embarrassment. He is aware of the awkwardness, and the least thing to do is make it even awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3285" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-10T08:08:33.887" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T08:08:33.887" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5171" CreationDate="2017-10-10T07:54:53.523" Score="45" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Prompt responding is enabling her behaviour&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least you don't answer every call. But, by still texting after each call you are continuing to allow her to set the terms of your communication, and you are enabling her dependence on you. No one is ever owed a text message response, especially not if they try to call multiple times in one day, especially if that's what they do every single day. You don't need to text to say you are busy, your not answering her call is indication enough. Call back when you have both the time and the mental energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;She sounds like she needs professional help&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you have said, it sounds like she probably has a mental illness such as anxiety or depression. These are serious conditions and a trained professional will be able to help in ways that friends cannot. If she hasn't been to her GP (family doctor) recently then that's the place to start. As a friend, you could offer to make a booking on her behalf if you think she would be reluctant to do so herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2017-10-10T08:03:07.603" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T08:03:07.603" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-10T08:08:10.353" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bob will definitely &lt;strong&gt;never forget&lt;/strong&gt; about this situation &lt;strong&gt;without talking about it&lt;/strong&gt;. He actually &lt;strong&gt;doesn't know&lt;/strong&gt; what you think about this situation. Probably &lt;strong&gt;he expects you to be disgusted&lt;/strong&gt; or that you think something else awkward about him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's why I highly recommend you to talk with him. It's best for both of you. It's important &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you talk to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make a drama of it. Tell him with ease that it's totally OK and he doesn't have to be ashamed. Your mood while talking to him is really important. So he can remark this isn't a big thing for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to a conclusion don't just say &quot;we will no more talk about this&quot; (this is not definite). Better say something like &quot;we will forget about this&quot;. The fine difference is in the first case it feels more like you will no more talk about it, but you will never forget it, because in such scenario the ashamed person always expects the worst case. By telling him you will forget it, it feels like this awkward chapter is about to be closed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-10-10T09:03:58.370" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T09:03:58.370" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5171" CreationDate="2017-10-10T08:58:26.680" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the answers show up possibilities how to &lt;strong&gt;handle&lt;/strong&gt; the sitution. I think the better approach is to &lt;strong&gt;change&lt;/strong&gt; it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The oppurtunity in this case is that she seems to care alot about your opinion and advices. Otherwise she wouldn't call you that often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all you should &lt;em&gt;meet up&lt;/em&gt; explicitly to discuss this situation. Don't discuss this on phone and try to only talk about the &quot;calling/consulting proplem&quot; but not about her problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you want to achieve is that &lt;strong&gt;she remarkd it's a burden for you&lt;/strong&gt;. After &lt;em&gt;she realy realized this&lt;/em&gt;, you are ready to find a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could use this state easily to negotiate &quot;consulting times&quot;, but as I said it's just fighting symptoms. Here the really difficult part starts. Since i will never know enough about your relationship, I can't say how, but you should try to convince her to go to a doctor and ask him for help. She must remark, that you cannot further help her. Also you could offer to accompany her if she likes. That sometimes makes things easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T08:58:26.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5191" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-10T11:33:09.287" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who's been in something similar to Bob's situation before; I can tell you that he's just in shock.  He doesn't know how to react and is actually more scared that maybe you'll tell people what you saw or something of that ilk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Time will heal the shock factor - he will understand in his own time that actually, he wasn't doing anything strange or un-natural; quite the opposite.  He just suffered some bad luck and will chalk it up to experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the mean time you can address the fear by suggesting a film trip or some other activity to show that at the end of the day, whatever happens, you're still his friend and you're happy to spend time with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2353" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-10T11:35:00.147" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T11:35:00.147" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5171" CreationDate="2017-10-10T12:18:01.693" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One possible solution is you don't receive her calls all throughout the day, not even text messages, may be you should message her when she calls for the first time and then on subsequent calls ignore her calls, and only call when you are finally free from your lectures and other daily routine tasks maybe like at 7 pm or 8 pm. That way you will also have free time to actually make a conversation and not answer everything in a hurry. And by this she will also take a hint that you will not pick up her calls at odd hours when your are in your class or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also explain her once that you are really busy during the day and can't really answer her calls. Also if you need a break for some weeks same strategy can work. You can tell her in advance that you will be very busy for the next few days or weeks so might not be able to respond immediately but if she has some urgency she can message you and you will respond when you can in your busy weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While all this has potential to be understood as you are mean person and used her but assure her that you are always ready to help her out but you also have your own life and important tasks to attend to and also that taking your advice on every issue is not really helping her in her own life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides all that are you sure that there is no love or liking issue is involved here and she calls you only to talk to you more and more?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="504" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T12:18:01.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5117" CreationDate="2017-10-10T13:30:52.553" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: Smile and nod (wave your hand) instead of speaking.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I beg to differ. I find this sentence the most important of your question (since this is usually my case as well):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just want to eat in peace and not have to answer your question with my mouth full, or at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There is a better way&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of instructing the service personnel (often there are more waiters) in advance, that you require a special treatment which is at odds with how they serve hundreds of other people every day (and which, being of certain decency, you surely must reflect with a huge tip!) you find yourself a useful habit which is very simple to go by and works everywhere (even when you don't speak local language!). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to do&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do it like this: put on a smile with lips closed together, position your hand causally about five inches (12 centimeters) above the table, palm down, and move it about the same distance laterally in the direction of the hand (right hand from left to right), than you fold your palm again, and continue eating without being forced to any socially unacceptable or uncomfortable position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: Smile alone goes a long way, which is useful in social situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Etiquette&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Etiquette, a.k.a. not forcing other people to awkward or uncomfortable situations, should extend to service as well. What is important to mention is that once you form a habit of instructing the waiter in advance that you wish not to be disturbed, you may very quickly grow into yet another habit of expecting the waiters to understand your request even in a perhaps complicated situation , which may lead to misunderstanding and awkward situations (complicated for you: you say only half of what you mean and confuse the waiter, complicated for the waiter: you ask nicely yet still disturb said water's flow or concentration). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4923" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T13:30:52.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5164" CreationDate="2017-10-10T14:32:50.320" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't leave a note,  I once got a note from a room mate and it definitely felt passive aggressive.  Most people prefer to hear any requests for different behavior in person.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be frank and polite in your request. If you can throw in a genuine compliment in your request all the better.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you may consider earplugs.  I once had a room mate who would have shouting matches on the phone at 4:00 in the morning.  And he would stay up all night watching TV.  It was miserable, until I started using earplugs.  Earplugs saved my sanity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2017-10-10T21:31:57.870" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T21:31:57.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5195" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5164" CreationDate="2017-10-10T14:59:35.323" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who's been on both sides of that, I can say that the most simple approach is the best, if they are being loud while you're trying to sleep, just go downstairs knock on their door and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, guys, do you mind being a little quieter, I'm having trouble falling asleep&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a good relationship with them there is nothing weird about just asking. And if I see a sleepy looking person in pajamas asking me to be quieter, I'd know why, and wouldn't think they're being unreasonable&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T14:59:35.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5171" CreationDate="2017-10-10T15:55:06.743" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't have specific suggestions but you need to understand and accept that allowing her to be dependent on you is not helping her and will make her situation worse. If you truly care about her, you will gradually find ways to guide her towards helping herself. Perhaps next time you could call her and tell her that someone you know had a similar problem as she did and they solved it by doing this and that. The best way to help someone is not by doing things for them but teaching them how to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't feel guilty about &quot;ignoring&quot; her. Grad school is just the start of your responsibilities. You will have more of your own problems and less and less time for her. It's normal. So it's best to make the transition as early as possible and help her stand on her own feet. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5328" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T15:55:06.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5171" CreationDate="2017-10-10T16:08:16.823" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't like the therapist, then I would suggest she find a new one.  I do not think the same therapist is great for all people.  I think connection matters and you can go to one person for a year and get nowhere and see another one for 2 sessions and see changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, she should also see a doctor.  Would you be willing to say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You have so much on your plate right now and seem like it's not been&#xA;  letting up for a long time.  Maybe it's time to consider seeing a&#xA;  doctor and talking about medical options to help you deal with the&#xA;  stress since the counseling alone hasn't seemed to have the kind of&#xA;  impact you need right now.  I can go with you if you like.  I know&#xA;  that can be intimidating, but I do think it's something that you need&#xA;  to consider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might blow it off.  If she does, I would refer her to her own behavior with you.  You can tell her that it's not that you don't &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to be there for her, but that her level of need for support is exceeding what most people &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; offer, and when it's at &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; level, medications can help mitigate that urge to need to talk to &quot;someone&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went through a really tough time personally and my sister was there for me.  Likewise since then, I have done the same for her.  We have two other sisters though that both have been on a long term &quot;rough time' that I think is more mental health than situation and before they were medicated, those two could suck the life out of us easily if we allowed it.  They would (individually) call me for instance, be on for 3 hours and when I said I had to go, they would hang up and call the other stable sister and have her on another 3 hours.  In fact the stable one and I had a system to alert one another that one of our sisters was &quot;having a bad day&quot; so that we could screen the call if we needed to versus accidentally picking up when we didn't see it coming.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are things that change, so that someone may need you intensely for a time, but then you have good reason to think it's temporary. These would be things like trauma they are working on dealing with, grief or other loss (like a house fire), a tough breakup or divorce, etc.   Then there are broader things that either are more encompassing (such a long term debilitating health diagnosis) or they are unlikely to change (I hate all the things in my life all the time and every solution you offer won't work and I can tell you why).  It sounds to me like your friend is on the boarder long term sort of track here and she will need to find some help outside of the help you can offer.  I think if you help her find that help, you won't &lt;em&gt;have to&lt;/em&gt; tell her to call less, she just will.  That has been my experience with it.  I am still here for my sisters, but they need my support a whole lot less.  They both see their doctors regularly and their therapists and still have &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; bad days, but most days are much much better.  In both cases, I took them to the doctor, sat there, talked to the doctor with them.  I am not sure they would have gone on their own, or if they did, really explained well the severity of the situation, as the downplayed how much they were disrupting everyone's lives with their level of need.  I had one sis calling me regularly at 2-3am, and she told the doctor &quot;once in a while&quot;.  It was at least 2-3 times per week, calling while bawling, and making me feel really awful if I told her I really couldn't chat at this hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T16:08:16.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5199" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5200" CreationDate="2017-10-10T18:03:14.290" Score="5" ViewCount="2761" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; When given a token gift in person (say a housewarming present or a thank you card), is it generally expected that it will be opened immediately in the presence of the giver and discussed, or just acknowledged gratefully and put aside for later? Does it matter if the gift is likely to contain money (or equivalent)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;: cultural context is USA. This happened to be at work, but I am not looking for &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/work-environment&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;work-environment&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;work-environment&lt;/a&gt;-specific answers.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, as both giver and receiver, I have seen experienced moments of awkwardness during such an exchange when both parties aren't on the same page. Aside from the social setting, it seems to depend on whether others are around (and how many), and the need to balance demonstrating interest in both the gift and the giver - &quot;I really appreciate &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; thinking of me&quot; vs &quot;let's check out what I just scored.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; Today at work I was given a personal thank you note (with small but non-trivial gift card) from a coworker for putting in some unpaid time helping with a difficult client. I made eye contact, said thank you, and set the card aside on my desk while we continued discussing the remaining work for a few minutes, but noticed the other person glance at it once or twice, then they mentioned &quot;hope you like &quot; as we started to part ways. I felt like I hadn't quite met their expectations in my initial response, and assured them I did and would likely use it soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like the exchange was normal and that neither of us felt awkward about it, but since I happened to have this site pulled up&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; I thought I'd do a quick search for similar questions. Didn't see anything similar so I thought put up the question and see how most people would expect to handle something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In contrast / for discussion, at an event where presents are customary from many people at once (e.g. birthday party or wedding reception), there is often a table reserved for placing gifts during the proceedings. Often gifts go directly onto the table with a card naming the giver, and presents handed to the recipient are generally met with a smile and a &quot;thank you&quot; before the present is placed with the rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; Thanks to the SE sidebar for keeping me off Wikipedia and TV Tropes - I think...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2489" LastEditorUserId="6520" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T09:53:11.190" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T10:25:12.557" Title="When to open a gift / present given in person" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;saying-thanks&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5199" CreationDate="2017-10-10T18:12:42.730" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally take in the cues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your coworker thanked you and set the card on your desk.  This tells me that your coworker did not really expect you to open it up in front of them.  That they kept talking about other topics reinforces that they prefer you do it in your own time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand if you coworker handed you the card and says thank you.  Then stands and waits, it pretty obvious they gave you the card with the intention of seeing your response.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are really in doubt and want to open it, just ask if they mind if you open it now.  IF there is a reason they want you to wait they can probably tell you that then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="56" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T18:12:42.730" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-10T18:34:48.627" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Boy this must have been really awkward! But yeah, this was an accident. Bob must have felt really embarrassed and so did you probably for &quot;causing&quot; his embarrassment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happened some time ago and you don't see Bob often, do you? &lt;strong&gt;If you still feel you need to do something about it&lt;/strong&gt; - I would leave it as is personally-unless I felt extremely bad and couldn't let go -&lt;strong&gt;send him an age appropriate, funny even, &quot;I'm Sorry&quot; card (to lighten the atmosphere), and just plainly say you were sorry&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't go on writing about whether what he was doing was normal. &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; don't think it's necessary. The embarrassment was  probably caused not because Bob thought he shouldn't be doing that, but because you, a relative, caught him doing something personal, something private. And we all know masturbation and sex are, usually, done in private.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd feel really awkward telling him in person unless several years had gone by and again I wouldn't force it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T18:34:48.627" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5171" CreationDate="2017-10-10T18:50:57.600" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Boundaries are so, so important, for your sake and hers. I would have an honest conversation about how much you wish you could help her more, but it's stressing you out to act as her therapist and as a full time student. Discuss with her when the best times to talk would be, and be firm. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I love having set &quot;phone dates&quot; with people. I'm on the other side of the spectrum in terms of how often I call people, I almost never call anyone and lead to my friends and family thinking I don't care about them because I do not check in or call, so to combat this, I agreed to make weekly phone calls on Sundays, to check in with everybody, and it's worked out great. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7052" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T18:50:57.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5203" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5205" CreationDate="2017-10-10T22:31:16.397" Score="54" ViewCount="24542" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife is currently attending university (final year) and, over the course of our 8 year relationship, she has inadvertently drawn the attention of a number of individuals who seek a relationship with her (she's quite beautiful by all accounts). These have mostly been school or college boys who can be brushed off, but over the last year and a half one of her university peers has become quite forward in his advances, including kissing her while under the influence, driving her home via a scenic detour (including stopping for a chat) and attempting a physical advance on her after dropping her off at home on another occasion. She took to voicing these latter two situations on social media, particularly to their peers, which was enough to make him back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, these events and his continued advances at university have been enough to make her keep her distance, though he still stays as close as possible, even sitting next to her in lectures and trying to engage her when she ignores him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big picture problem is that she is good friends with his fiancee, and they also have 3 children (2 are paternally his), one of whom gets along with our 2.5 year old quite well. Because of this we feel telling her about his advances would be detrimental to their relationship and cause problems for the children - we really don't want the children to be hurt. We also feel if the friendship persists he will view this as my wife being comfortable around him and his advances - she certainly is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how does my wife maintain the friendship with his fiancee, and the friendship of the children, without him becoming too comfortable or feeling empowered around her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it helps we are in Yorkshire, UK. Me and my wife are 23 and 22, respectively and the admirer and his fiancee are 26 and 30, respectively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So thank you all so much for your input, I can hardly believe the popularity of this question. So after some deliberation we're going to go ahead with the accepted answer if we see ANY clues to the behaviour continuing. The last concern was the drive home and was months ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many answers and comments took quite the diversion from my actual question, which was simply &quot;How does my wife remain friends with her admirers fiancee?&quot; - the admirer may not have made an advance in months but the negative feelings my wife holds are preventing her from wanting to socialise with the fiancee. I don't need to be told to stick up for my wife nor be advised that she is a &quot;slut&quot; from those who don't know her. I didn't need advice on handling the admirer - I can handle him - it was about his fiancee and I feel that the selected answer provides the best solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="462" LastEditorUserId="462" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T00:03:35.947" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T02:53:58.463" Title="How should my wife handle an engaged admirer and his fiancee?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-10T23:09:42.733" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the sounds of things the fiance already knows, or at least has reason to suspect that her husband-to-be has, to put it as gently as possible, &quot;a wandering eye&quot; And chances are pretty good that if he's made advances toward your wife, he's likely made advances toward other women as well...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind, protecting their relationship isn't your responsibility. Well, honestly it's not your responsibility in any case, but that information may make you feel a little better about that fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as putting a stop to his advances, your wife is probably in the best position to do that. Seeing as how he's already been publicly named and shamed for this behavior there's really no need to be all that polite about it either. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, you know this is inappropriate and that I'm not interested and it needs to stop. Don't touch, don't follow, and don't get your hopes up, because it isn't going to happen. I'm friends with your fiance for goodness sake, so back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should get the message across clearly and without any room for misinterpretation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for maintaining a relationship with the fiance and the children, well that kinda depends on the fiance... If she knows and is turning a blind eye, she may be slightly upset about his indiscretions becoming an issue. On the other hand she'll likely appreciate that your wife shut him down. After the dust settles they may become even closer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that actively trying to &quot;protect&quot; people from the truth often backfires spectacularly... If the fiance doesn't know and finds out later, and finds out that you or your wife were aware and didn't come forward, she'll likely direct some of her hurt feelings toward you both. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-10T23:09:42.733" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-10T23:20:07.463" Score="118" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would encourage your wife to talk to the fiancee about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person best able to put an end to this is the fiancee. Even if she can not, she needs to know who she's engaged to before she's legally bound to someone who is - at minimum - very much attracted to a younger woman enough to stalk and harass her - and who may some day actually &quot;catch&quot; some other woman who is not as unwilling as your wife and start an affair. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-respond-when-someone-you-know-is-cheating_us_55c107a7e4b0a50ad0aaa9b3&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Huffington Post article&lt;/a&gt;, they asked a psychiatrist and a marriage and family therapist whether you should tell someone that their partner is cheating and they broke it up by relationship type. Their answer for close friend reads:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;h3&gt;How about a close friend?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In this case, you’re in a unique position to tell your friend if you come bearing evidence, said Haltzman, though he said it’s best to frame the issues as concerns rather than accusations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Meyers said you’d be a “covert accomplice” if you didn’t speak up — though be sure to tread lightly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“If this is coming as a complete surprise, your friend may go into denial, become defensive, be embarrassed or feel devastated and angry, sometimes at you for bursting the bubble,” she said. “Whatever the reaction, be compassionate.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is about cheating rather than harassing/stalking but I think it's good advice. Yes, this might temporarily or permanently end your wife's relationship with the fiancee but, as a friend, which do you think is better &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;to put up with some amount of sexual advances from him to &quot;protect&quot; the friendship (which may end when she finds out that your wife knew what he was doing and didn't tell her about it) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;to tell her up front as a supporting friend that her husband is acting in an inappropriate way and that you think she should know about it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the latter is better and what I would rather have happen were I in the fiancee's position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, or if your wife simply can't tell the fiancee, then she needs to prohibit this man from interacting with her completely, particularly if they end up without anyone else around. His behavior is completely inappropriate and needs to stop immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She should certainly not allow him to sit next to her at lectures, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She should not be stuck driving home with him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She should prevent him from contacting her &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She should do more than ignore him when he speaks to her - she should leave (within reason).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She should consider reporting him to the university for harassment if he will not cease his pursuit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are a group of people around or she is at his home, she can interact with him as she chooses but she needs to tell him what her boundaries are and you should be there to support her when she does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you are concerned for the life changing hardships of having these parents split up... this is indeed hard but I hope to belay some of your concern with the following information:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don't &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that they will split up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;studies have shown&lt;/a&gt; that kids from divorced parents with at least one strong parental relationship are pretty much the same as kids from married families.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Divorcing parents are usually very concerned about the welfare of their children during this troublesome process. Some parents are so worried that they remain in unhappy marriages, believing it will protect their offspring from the trauma of divorce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yet parents who split have reasons for hope. Researchers have found that only a relatively small percentage of children experience serious problems in the wake of divorce or, later, as adults. In this column, we discuss these findings as well as factors that may protect children from the potentially harmful effects of divorce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/22/children-divorce-resolution-survey-rather-parents-separate&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;studies show&lt;/a&gt; that children would rather their parents divorce than stay together for the family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The poll found that 82% of those aged 14 to 22 who have endured family breakups would prefer their parents to part if they are unhappy. They said it was ultimately better that their parents had divorced, with one of those surveyed adding that children “will often realise, later on, that it was for the best”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Asked what advice they would give divorcing parents, another said: “Don’t stay together for a child’s sake, better to divorce than stay together for another few years and divorce on bad terms.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Being exposed to conflict and uncertainty about the future are what’s most damaging for children, not the fact of divorce itself. This means it is essential that parents act responsibly, to shelter their children from adult disagreements and take appropriate action to communicate with their children throughout this process, and make them feel involved in key decisions, such as where they will live after the divorce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T21:50:57.430" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T21:50:57.430" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-11T02:53:59.770" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there is little reason to bring it up (so to speak) if you have not seen him for many months. If you will see him again soon you might do this  Only if the opportunity present itself, say you two alone unplanned, you could offer &quot;I'm sorry about what happened/about walking in. So please remember; I was never there and different strokes for different folks.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would be direct yet light enough to let him know he's off the hook and he is OK with his activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T02:53:59.770" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4152" CreationDate="2017-10-11T03:09:30.737" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;For a problem that makes you angry the best way to handle it is when you are not angry. This is tough enough since the discussion of it may set you off again. If you set aside a time to cover it there will be no misunderstandings or escalated finger pointing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a day you are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; all going to lunch you should stop him away from others and tell him. &quot;I afraid have some tough news for you. When you come to lunch with us and fail to chip in fairly it really aggravates people. We enjoy your coming along but we all pay what we owe and don't make excuses. I hope now you will do the same.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time at lunch it will be up to him to come and pay or stay away. It is not unusual for highly intelligent people to be socially awkward in at least one area. They need occasional concrete roadblocks as gentle guide posts to navigate the terrain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T03:09:30.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2686" CreationDate="2017-10-11T03:18:52.377" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm coming in late so I hope this has not been covered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you told him it was OK to park right where he did, you have no moral or financial obligation to help him out. He's not the victim of his in-law. Had a bad day and got a ticket. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your feeling bad for him and all his woes says much about your kindness but not about your limits. As suggested here your tenderness is being over-extended and will continue to be until you set limits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can recommend the book above &quot;When I say No&quot; and the advice on how to read it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T03:18:52.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5210" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="90" CreationDate="2017-10-11T03:35:06.680" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a reference I have a close relation on this spectrum.I admire you willingness to spend the effort in tutoring him. It is a lot of work and not always enjoyable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as talking to the parents I think you should level with them about two things. The first is that his occasional extraordinary skills have not &lt;em&gt;yet&lt;/em&gt; found a need or special place in the programming training that you have been able to offer. I say this because I expect they are looking to you to help make the most of the skills he has. He sounds like he is gifted in some areas (eidetic memory of items and their locations) and respectable computation skills. Such skills are not essential in programming. Logic and planning out mulit-part problems are more important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example;People often think that a &quot;Math Wiz&quot; should be great as a programmer. They would be if they know what steps they go through to get their results. It is when they can see these steps and use them as needed, or modify them, that makes a clever programmer. This would not be true of a savant. A savant in my understanding cannot explain the method they use. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, as he would struggle as an entry-level programmer what future would there be for him at such a position. He would stay at this level much like a job stocking shelves with unerring accuracy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both of these you should emphasize that while he has not improved/blossomed etc. it was only with what &lt;em&gt;you have been able to offer&lt;/em&gt;. While not diminishing your skills you can let them know that some other training could find something new and yet unexpected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional edit: In my experience as a programmer the demand for new logic and solutions has often been replaced by references to any one of thousands of special functions made easily available in a Software Development environment. If his logic is not up to snuff he may yet excel if he can memorize the basics of a few hundred of available functions in a popular environment, say ASP.NET.&#xA;The details are available for a developer but with his capacity to memorize it might be useful to see if learning a toolkit of functions and procedures could give him a better outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastEditorUserId="4013" LastEditDate="2018-12-06T01:57:22.877" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T01:57:22.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5211" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3751" CreationDate="2017-10-11T03:43:39.023" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I prefer the direct response. This is not an assault but a request for clarification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How much did you pay for that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Well actually, where I grew up we didn't talk about money all the time. Where did you grow up?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This give him (always seems to be) a reasonable retreat by talking about where he is from or that it is none of your business. In any event it changes the subject and cauterizes your spending as a topic.  Any further questions should be directed at his answer or the fact that he has not answered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T03:43:39.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1183" CreationDate="2017-10-11T03:59:46.590" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Let's just be friends&quot; is the civilized way to say you cannot deal with reality. He is real and you cannot deal with him. Don't let this slide. Stand up and deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He clearly has a great deal to offer its just that he needs to offer it to someone else. Make a direct pitch to him with the following. Let him know none of his interests are yours and that you have limited time to hang out with the nerdy kids. He's funny but he does not make you laugh. He's rich but he can't buy what you want. His attentions are flattering but will only be welcome to the some other lucky lady.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4013" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T03:59:46.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5215" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-11T07:37:22.173" Score="-7" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I see here it's not your problem, but your wife's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't do anything here. If you talk to him as an &quot;alpha male&quot; maybe you make your wife mad, because if she wanted you to talk to him she will have tell you if you can do so, or at least show up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You two also shouldn't tell this things on social networks, that is childish. If your wife have proofs about this boy flirting with her, show it to his wife. If you don't have anything other than suspicious habits, don't tell anything to his wife because she will get mad at you, and maybe try to put the guilt over your wife. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have any clear proof about him flirting with your wife, she must keep ignoring him, putting distance between them until he stops. That's it. If this will put distance between you and your wife's friend and her friend asks your wife about the reasons, she always can tell the actions of her husband and say that she doesn't feel confortable with him around, but don't tell her that he is trying to cheat if you don't have any proof. Let your wife's friend decide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you have the proofs, things like messages or so, you should inmediately tell your wife's friend about it, because she is a friend. If she can understand it it's her problem not yours, maybe if you lose a friend for caring about her and telling her the truth, it's better lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, you should confirm your sources about the story. Are you sure this is it? Don't you think that maybe there aren't just admirers but one night stands that get overattached? I don't know your real story, but what you tell seems the relate of what your wife told you, not what you saw.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;including kissing her while under the influence, driving her home via a scenic detour (including stopping for a chat) and attempting a physical advance on her after dropping her off at home on another occasion&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person that doesn't like someone to flirt on him or her, at the first attemp to get kissed goes away. But a Kiss is a thing of two, as a scenic detour is something that you aren't up to if you are angry. You really think that your wife was angry because he go far than just kissing and staying together to trying to have sex, or is she mad because he kissed? Maybe those past admirers aren't all only admirers. For my experience when a person has people that flirts with them, really doesn't state that clearly that they have a relationship. Just keep an eye open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7066" LastEditorUserId="7066" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T08:06:55.793" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T08:06:55.793" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-11T08:49:31.467" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If we try to see it from the admirers perspective, the real problem reveals itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;He&lt;/em&gt; obviously has the problem to be attracted by other woman (most probably &quot;just&quot; sexually). You, your wife and his fiancée are the &quot;victims&quot; of his problem, but not the reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Edit: To make it more clear: I'm not saying you shouldn't care. I want to reveal the right perspective to face this problem.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since he is engaged and he knows that you are married, I'm sure he still loves his fiancée and he doesn't want to be a couple with your wife. Thats why I think the attraction is just sexual. This would become even more probable, the longer he and his fiancée are a couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case I'm right concerning his motives, the best way to handle this situation is &lt;strong&gt;making him talk about his problem with his fiancée&lt;/strong&gt;. It's up to them to find a viable solution for his problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such kind of problems are really hard to solve. From my own experience I can tell you it's always the best way to talk about problems like this and find a solution together (here: the admirer and his fiancée). My girlfriend and I are of a similar age and a happy couple since ~10 years now. We solve every big problem by finding a solution together and it always works out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just don't make the mistake to &lt;em&gt;simply blame&lt;/em&gt; his behaviour, if you really want to find a good solution for all participants. Rather try to &lt;em&gt;get his problem fixed&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T11:37:13.477" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T11:37:13.477" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5220" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5221" CreationDate="2017-10-11T09:18:11.823" Score="42" ViewCount="12927" Body="&lt;p&gt;Part of my daily routine is having an early morning coffee with my wife at this cute little coffee house near our work. Said coffee house is usually packed so finding a table is a gambit, especially now that it's getting colder out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This morning I was met with a rather interesting surprise that I felt would fit very well with IPSE. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The coffee place had no empty tables so we ordered and waited at the bar for a table to open up. At a table next to us, sat a couple that had just asked for their bill and noticed us looking at them. They asked if we were waiting for a table and offered to pay at the counter for us to sit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While were exchanging pleasantries, this woman swoops in and sits at the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was quite surprised, I stopped myself from talking to her but my wife decided to confront her and a heated argument ignited that ultimately caused this woman to leave the table and the coffee place altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After discussing the situation with my wife last night, we both agreed that we could have handled this far better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How would one approach this situation without the whole thing leading to an argument?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T22:25:21.663" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T17:53:48.230" Title="How to approach the situation where someone &quot;steals&quot; your table?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;switzerland&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5220" CreationDate="2017-10-11T09:33:38.013" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;In order to avoid an argument, wait for another table to open up. None of the tables is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; table, they are owned by the coffee place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree that the woman's behaviour can be interpreted as rude, but she possibly didn't even know about your agreement. She was in your exact same situation and took the chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you could have done instead:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to be nice toward her, but not pushy. Tell her, that you had been waiting and about your agreement with that other couple. If she understands, you are lucky.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell the staff about it, without complaining about the woman directly. Explain the situation instead (you had been waiting, other couple was nice, now table was taken by someone else). But they probably can't do much either, except for friendly asking that woman or find another solution not involving IPS (like additional chairs or whatever).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two non-IPS approaches, if available:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Table reservation (if the coffee place offers that)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Learn from that woman: Sit down as soon as it is free, e. g. in your case: One of you thanks the couple directly, the other one sits down at the table immediately and thanks them from afar.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T10:40:50.563" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T10:40:50.563" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5222" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5234" CreationDate="2017-10-11T10:23:16.683" Score="34" ViewCount="8824" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel attracted to someone. I did have a relationship with her before (we were little children at that time, 5-7 years old), but we couldn't continue because of age and distance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are both introverted and both have &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pervasive_developmental_disorder_not_otherwise_specified&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;PDDNOS&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;a form of autism&lt;/strong&gt;. I can talk to her in person, and I seriously don't feel awkward when I do. I do feel awkward when I text her, skype with her or call her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Age is not a factor anymore, I am 18 and she is 17. We live in the same country (Netherlands)/province and now that we are older it's easier to keep in touch. But, because of autism, being introverts and not being very good at keeping in touch, distance might still be a tiny problem. We live about 30km away from each other, which I know doesn't sound like a lot, but in my situation it is. If I don't visit her, sometimes we might not speak for a month. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is almost a female version of myself, we share a lot of problems, interests and other things, which, to be honest, is kinda scary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do think she loves me too, but I'm just not sure and if I make one mistake, my chances could be over. I'd like to tell her how I feel about her, without risking our friendship being over if she doesn't share my feelings. I'd love a relationship as the outcome of telling her, but I don't want to lose our friendship if that's not something she wants as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Can you help me with possible approaches to opening up to her and telling her how I feel about her?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7064" LastEditorUserId="7064" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T14:28:59.713" LastActivityDate="2018-12-20T02:00:14.673" Title="How to open up to someone about loving them, when you don't know if they love you back?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5222" CreationDate="2017-10-11T11:39:16.717" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer comes from somebody who is generally not introverted but really bad when it comes to love and admitting feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you told us that age is not a problem anymore and distance is &lt;strong&gt;less&lt;/strong&gt; of an problem by now but still a problem I would like&#xA;to suggest this. ( My suggestions will take some time but is also a slightly safer approach )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of you are bad at keeping in contact and as a result you don't have a lot of contact, which would lead me to the first suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If possible&lt;/strong&gt; try to increase the contact. This will also sign some sort of interest in her generally without directly risking something. &#xA;This has two advantages. First you get to know her even better and can see if you get along well. Second you can see how she reacts&#xA;to that. If she is happy about having more contact and is enjoying it that already is a really good sign.&#xA;Let's just say to see her at least once a month would be a good start and not too sudden or pressuring. ( Also try real meetings since you feel awkward with skyping etc. )&#xA;&lt;em&gt;skyping can be awkward for everybody so don't worry too much. That's just a charasteristic&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still get along well and you think you are a little bit more sure if she loves you, try to get a good setting for a conversation.&#xA;Take her somewhere where she is comfortable and were you are some kind of private ( no crowded place ). Just have a nice day for the beggining&#xA;and then try to tell her about how you feel. Try to just express your feelings in the beginning. ( I really like you, you are important for me, I need you etc.).&#xA;If she doesn't stop there you can to continue asking how she feels about hearing this and what her feelings are. Depending on the answer of this you &#xA;can ask for a relationship.&#xA;When you have this conversation you can always state that the friendship is very important to you and that if she does not want a relationship you can&#xA;stay friends. ( If that is ok with her and &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; ) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Staying friends after such a conversation ( I hope for you that this doesn't happen) can be slightly awkward in the beginning but it's possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you the best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6980" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T11:39:16.717" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5220" CreationDate="2017-10-11T12:22:43.267" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In short: Place some of your belongings on the table/chair ASAP.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In similar situations, when I'm out with family or friends and we notice a table about to be vacated, we ask the present occupants if they are about to leave, and if we could occupy table after them. In case they don't mind, as is the case usually, one person from my group places one of his/her small belongings (like a shopping bag, purse, bottle) on to that table/chair, as a sign of occupation/possession, and this mostly works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depositing a physical object on the claimed territory is usually stronger evidence and tangible proof, than convincing a person about a prior agreement with the earlier occupant, who has, most likely, already left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5069" LastEditorUserId="7108" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T22:20:21.917" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T22:20:21.917" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5226" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5220" CreationDate="2017-10-11T12:25:34.603" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all: I admire your wish to settle things peacefully and therefor can basically only add to Anne's answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have to say that of course, I wasn't there. So I don't know how the course of action &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; took place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I guess starting with talking &lt;em&gt;calmly&lt;/em&gt; to the lady, explaining why her behavior could be considered rude would be a good start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, from my experience this probably won't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; you do now?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see two basic possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Maintain the moral high ground and &quot;retreat&quot;. - Like already suggested in Anne's answer.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Argue&lt;/em&gt;. Intensity of course would depend on the Lady's response but &lt;em&gt;my personal&lt;/em&gt; opinion here is, that an argument about this rudeness is absolutely justified. &lt;strong&gt;Just keep it within a reasonable relation to the issue at hand.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did not go into how to &lt;em&gt;avoid&lt;/em&gt; the situation in the first place, because I based the answer on the assumption the incident (her hijacking the table) already happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also did not include the possibility of &lt;strong&gt;offering to share the table&lt;/strong&gt; because it was stated in comments, that this wouldn't have been possible. Also I consider offering this &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; the &quot;hostile takeover&quot; not an option. &lt;em&gt;Except&lt;/em&gt; it should turn out she somehow really wasn't aware and is willing to give up the table for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5980" LastEditorUserId="5980" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T12:46:11.273" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T12:46:11.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-11T13:01:23.623" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;This line says all you need to know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;including kissing her while under the influence&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under UK laws this is sexual harassment and your wife has every reason to report him. A university student is considered by the Job Centre as employed. I cannot see why then they would not be protected in the same way as an employee. Personally I have been in an office many years ago and having the same happen to me. I still regret not having done anything about it. Yes he was married and so am I a fact he was well aware of.&#xA;You need to support your wife in any decision she ultimately makes. The only other comment I have is, that your wife maybe one of many he has harassed. University's are a lot more clued up nowadays and should have strong complaints procedures in place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7078" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T13:01:23.623" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-11T13:19:54.820" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problematic person in question is a threat to your wife. You both need to deal with him from that angle, an on priority.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm saying this because he's behaved badly twice and continues on the same line despite being told to stop. It is bordering on criminal behaviour, if not already punishable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first priority should be to disengage with the &quot;troll&quot; regardless of the consequences for the other relationships, which are valuable but not so much so that criminal behaviour be tolerated for their sake. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping the other relationships secure as a precondition for all solutions to disengage from the person, restricts you as well as emboldens him, as he too must be aware of your predicaments. If his fiancee comes to know of the situation and leaves him it's not your fault, and can be dealt with separately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5069" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T13:19:54.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5220" CreationDate="2017-10-11T14:07:23.373" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Way to go!!!&lt;/strong&gt; It sounds to me like you handled this one perfectly .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Advice&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;The basic problem was that the lady who stole your table did something wrong (socially unacceptable).  It is my personal belief that you did the right thing by standing up for yourselves and telling her that what she had done was unacceptable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is when you tell some one that they have done something wrong they are almost always going to argue with you.  Because well no one wants to be the bad guy.  That's ok, because chances are that next time she is tempted to steal some ones table she'll remember her encounter with you and maybe decide to do the polite thing instead. We can't know for sure what she'll do in the future, but &lt;em&gt;never underestimate the social power of peer presure to improve peoples behavior.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just telling people honestly what their peers are doing is enough to change behavior.&lt;/strong&gt;    &lt;em&gt;-Robert Cialdini, psychology professor emeritus at Arizona State University&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://som.yale.edu/news/2016/10/the-power-of-peer-pressure&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;see here&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe your emotions heated up a little to much while arguing with her, but with practice you can learn to stay calm even when the other person is angry.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tips:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Breath deep and slow. this will queue your brain to calm down your fight/flight response &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.npr.org/2010/12/06/131734718/just-breathe-body-has-a-built-in-stress-reliever&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;see here&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Keep the pitch and volume of your voice low and slow.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the middle of the conflict you'll find your voice pitch going up, your breathing quickens, and you will have to remind yourself every 30 seconds to breath deep and slow and lower your voice.  Just remember practice makes perfect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Direct Answer to your question:&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;The staff are probably going to be to busy (or agreeable) to help. So if you are determined to resolve this without any conflict, the only option I see is to be faster than people like this woman in the future.  When a table opens, sit down and thank people after you sit.   Though as I've said before I think you handled the situation perfectly already.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T15:59:38.137" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T15:59:38.137" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5230" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-11T14:23:14.080" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Avoid the man as much as possible and get on with your lives. If your fiancee is unable to avoid his advances I'd threaten him with the police. In a few months time this will be over and you won't have to deal with the problem. Cut off your ties with his fiancee and their children. That's life, nothing stays the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as a postscript, it's not your responsbility to 'enlighten' his fiancee about his bad behaviour - experience will show you that getting too involved in others' relationships is always a very bad idea, and people ALWAYS blame the messenger. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7085" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T14:23:14.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5231" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-11T14:59:30.987" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there is no much room for diplomacy here. Apparently he isn't aware of the risks he's taking. She can directly confront him telling him to stop, or &lt;strong&gt;she will report his behaviour to his fiancée&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are way too close to me. Stop now, do not talk to me, stay away, or I'll tell your fiancée what is going on. We will see what she thinks about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be also useful if this confrontation happened in the university, in between two lectures, loudly, during the day. The social pressure would prevent a bad reaction from him, and making other students know that she doesn't want him to sit next to her or talk to her could be enough to stop these behaviours. In short, &lt;strong&gt;causing a big good scene&lt;/strong&gt; could protect your wife from the latin lover. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, two situations come up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The latin lover is a &lt;em&gt;normal person&lt;/em&gt;. He is now aware of his behaviour, he's scared that your wife will expose him with his fiancée, and everything stop without your wife having to tell anything to his fiancée.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The latin lover is more of a &lt;em&gt;&quot;molester type&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. He won't do anything more in the university (he would know he could cause another scene), but he will still harass her outside it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the second, she should definitely go and talk to his fiancée. He had his warning and his chance to behave well, he knew what would the consequences of his advances be and he ignored them. Now this is an even more serious reason to talk to her, even if it caused their breakup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if it turns out that he's a creep, the white knight approach suggested by Beejamin wouldn't hurt. He would know that any further attempt with your wife would cause a reaction from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T14:59:30.987" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-11T15:27:14.767" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you ignore it this may impact your future interactions with Bob. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would tell Bob how that you're sorry you both found yourselves in that situation, and it will never be spoken of again. There its over and done with. You go about living, and Bob learns to be more discreet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many teenagers feel shameful for masturbating, and I think this will make him feel relieved and you guys can laugh about it when he's an adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To make a bigger deal out of it is unnecessary and would cause more anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7092" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T15:27:14.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5233" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5222" CreationDate="2017-10-11T15:35:13.283" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to pick up on your line &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do think she loves me too, but I'm just not sure and if I make one mistake&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;as I think this actually highlights quite a few things that I think are worth discussing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Saying that you love someone is a bit much when you're not already in a relationship as it means different things to different people at different points.  I can think of very few situations where this can work out well.  So let's migrate to 'you'd like to be in a more than friends relationship'; as this is what you actually what you want to come out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;She loves me too&quot;.  Very possibly, and if true she's stuck in the same problem; how to touch the subject without scaring you off.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not sure if I make one mistake&quot;.  Everyone makes mistakes.  The key in my opinion is to make them, learn from them, and improve where you can.  Having some confidence (but not too much) is actually something that is (I believe) generally considered attractive anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;mistake&quot;.  Would you really consider being honest with a friend a mistake?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So putting those together, I would NOT suggest trying to make a romantic setting and declaring your love for her over a candle lit dinner; if it's something that you'd feel unconfortable with her doing to you, then she probably will too.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that after a casual activity (meal / sport / game) with just the 2 of you, while alone and somewhere you're both relaxed and comfortable, you just say that you like her.  I would rank this at the top of my &quot;things that are hard to do&quot; list, because it really does feel like you're taking a risk;  but you're not, and I'll explain why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she likes you, then she'll smile, happy that you've said it, and say something positive back.  Who knows what will happen after that, but the key thing is that you're both now aware that you like each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't like you, then she'll probably say 'ohh, that's a surprise' or 'I don't feel the same' ... but by staying relaxed, and dropping the topic (you've made your point, and so has she), you won't change your current relationship; but most importantly, you now know she's not interested.  This gives you freedom to consider if you want to put your friendship at risk to try and court her, or to just move on knowing that you tried, still have a good friend, but it wasn't to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you choose to do, and however you choose to do it - good luck! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2353" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T15:35:13.283" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5222" CreationDate="2017-10-11T15:38:51.710" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't start with &amp;quot;I love you.&amp;quot; Don't even start with &amp;quot;I am falling in love with you.&amp;quot; That is leaping too far &amp;quot;down the track&amp;quot; and could startle or scare her. Even if she is feeling exactly as you are: how would you feel if she called you tomorrow and said &amp;quot;I love you, let's get married!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How about &lt;strong&gt;asking&lt;/strong&gt; her? Something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you say our relationship is friends only, or something deeper? Could there possibly be a romantic component or aspect to how we interact?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;strong&gt;listen&lt;/strong&gt; to her answer. Not just &amp;quot;yes&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; but does she sound scared? Excited? Nervous? Happy? Does she look you in the eye or look away (compared to how you usually speak together)? Does she blush? If you can't figure out what's happening from cues like these, then ask her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does that scare you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is that an exciting idea?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you interested in trying that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't say, in effect, &amp;quot;I have changed the terms of our agreement&amp;quot; by declaring a romantic interest. But you raise the subject. If she shuts it down totally, you back right off and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm glad I asked. I won't consider that possibility again. I like having you as a friend. I want us to be friends for a long time, for always.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's open to the possibility, then the two of you need to decide what your next steps would be. What a fun journey to take together! Once she knows you're attracted to her romantically, and she is attracted to you too, you'll work out what to do about it in a way that's good for you both. At some point you might feel you are ready to tell her you love her, and that she's ready to hear it. But it's not how you start the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T15:38:51.710" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5235" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5220" CreationDate="2017-10-11T16:08:23.623" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Putting some belongings on the table; speaking to the lady calmly and telling her calmly how her behavior was not right; and finally retreating without a scene all seem like good strategies to me. Something one should do in such situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I feel there are times when even talking calmly to the other person can result in an argument, and more. Not everyone is logical or fair, and there are some people who just like conflict. Talking to such people and telling them their wrongdoing can get out of hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll just add one more thing which is more like a general rule, and not specific to such situations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When in a situation like this where one can either raise their voice, or retreat; perhaps one can think and ask oneself this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this something I'll still be mad about after 5 years if I remember it? Then sure, raise your voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this something that if I remember again 5 years down the road, and laugh at myself for making a big deal about it. Then just let it go. It's not worth it. &#xA; My two cents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6827" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T17:53:48.230" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T17:53:48.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5236" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5238" CreationDate="2017-10-11T16:18:53.073" Score="37" ViewCount="17002" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in the midst of planning my wedding, which as most people know is a long, painstaking process. We've had a long engagement and fairly early on one of our friends began asking us if he would be invited to the wedding (usually after having a few drinks). He is in our circle of friends, but not someone either of us is particularly close to. This started well before we had made a guest list, but even then I knew he wouldn't make it. He'd probably end up on the C or D list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My response was to never give an outright answer, but to say that the wedding won't be too big and both of us have large families (etc, etc). It was always very uncomfortable, and after this happened a few times things now feel awkward whenever we see each other. He hasn't asked about it in quite a while, but we also haven't seen each other much (for other benign reasons).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the best way to respond in a situation like this?&lt;/strong&gt; I'm looking for a way to defuse the situation as non-painfully as possible, whether that means telling him &quot;probably not&quot;, &quot;definitely not&quot;, or just successfully deflecting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1959" LastEditorUserId="30" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T00:04:40.760" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T16:03:07.473" Title="How to respond to someone who asks if they will be invited to your wedding?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5236" CreationDate="2017-10-11T16:48:42.783" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;  This depends on your priorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to make sure you keep him as a friend then invite him to the party &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand you are ambivalent about his friendship, (you don't mind being his friend but are fine losing his friendship) then just keep saying what your are already saying, &quot;We are keeping the party small.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Advice to make it less awkward.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When you tell him your keeping the party small add a &quot;thank you&quot; preferably genuine, and then change the subject quickly.  Having a list of quick subject changes that he will be interested in may be helpful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example you could say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Actually we are having a smaller wedding, But thank you so much for caring! We wish we could invite more people.   Have you seen the new star wars trailer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Suggestion:&lt;/strong&gt; this doesn't really answer your question but I feel it is important. &#xA;The fact that your friend has brought up the question multiple times usually after a few drink loosens him up, suggests that he is a bit insecure about his personal relationships with others.  To me it appears that he is seeking for some sort of approval.  He wants to know that he matter enough to you, or maybe just that he matters enough to any one to be invited to their wedding.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest considering inviting him to the wedding for his sake.  It might not mean that much to him, but then again I just might make his life a little bit better.  And I promise you the more kindness and service you give to others the more you will receive back in return.  But of course it's your wedding your call. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T16:48:42.783" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5236" CreationDate="2017-10-11T16:49:46.243" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;However you word this, unfortunately, the person may choose to take offense. Just be as diplomatic as possible when letting them know they won't be invited, something along the lines of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, but we have a limited amount of space, and I can't invite everyone. I'd like to invite you, but we are looking at inviting family and our closest friends.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no really good way, and you do risk offense if he considers you a close friend when you obviously don't reciprocate the feeling. However, letting him know up front is much better than a vague &quot;Well, we haven't finalized the list yet, so if you get an invite please RSVP&quot;. If he isn't invited, telling him up front is much better than a long wait with no invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorUserId="8995" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T16:03:07.473" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T16:03:07.473" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5239" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5236" CreationDate="2017-10-11T16:56:40.667" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that after having deflected him a few times, and that making the situation more awkward, it's now time to let him know in more explicit terms when he asks again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be honest. You're probably not going to invite him. You have reasons for doing so: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've always seen your dream wedding as a family affair&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is not a large amount of money to spend on giving a huge wedding party. And you don't want to start off your marriage with a huge debt&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, I'm speculating here, but these are the kinds of honest reasons you could present. Being honest and having a legitimate reason for not inviting him should be something a true friend should be able to understand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're only going to invite family, and you and him have a mutual friend, it might be a good idea to point out that you're not inviting that mutual friend either, for exactly the same reasons. This might soften the blow a bit, and prevent him from feeling excluded. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe it's an idea to invite him over for coffee (and cake?) after the honeymoon? It shows that you're willing to celebrate with him, even though he's not invited to the main party. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T18:11:09.470" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T18:11:09.470" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5241" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5236" CreationDate="2017-10-11T17:38:56.683" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had something very similar occur during my wedding. A friend who I am not overly close with asked if he was invited to the wedding after having a few drinks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I originally was not planning on inviting him so I brushed it off and did not really give an answer. Eventually I decided to invite him and his girlfriend, because our venue had some room and he's a nice guy who is close with a lot of our good friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He came to the wedding, was one of the most fun guests at the dance, and even gave us a great gift. So I suggest maybe re-thinking inviting this person if your venue has room to accommodate. The more the merrier as they say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7099" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T17:38:56.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5220" CreationDate="2017-10-11T17:46:06.717" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The bottom line: you did not &quot;reserve&quot; the table by putting your things on it (or on the chair(s)) and she, just walking in from the street, saw an empty table and took it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying you were right and I'm not saying she was right, but from her point of view there was nothing to indicate it wasn't just an empty table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Side comment: my BF and I live together, and space is very tight.  Occasionally, he'll clear out some stuff from a drawer and say I can have it.  But if I don't put my stuff in there within a few hours, or a few days at most, he'll just fill it up again.  Same principle.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Another side comment: I was on a short cruise with that same BF, and he got up to get a drink.  While he was gone, some jerk comes by, says &quot;do you need this chair (his) and without missing a beat or waiting for a reply, grabs it and walks off.  That got me pissed.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T17:46:06.717" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5243" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3905" CreationDate="2017-10-11T18:00:49.370" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I always use the stalls, but in the rare occasion I don't and this happens, I make a lighthearted joke about the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I've got a personal policy to never have a conversation while I've got my genitals in my hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something to that effect (sanitized or de-sanitized based on circumstance).  Basically, get your point across while making them laugh at the interaction.  They'll feel like they've gotten value out of the conversation and, hopefully, not continue talking.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6811" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T18:00:49.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="905" CreationDate="2017-10-11T19:09:26.590" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something that I have tried in the past when dealing with a friend who I think needs help is to talk about how helpful I found therapy. I have never tried it on someone who is delusional like your friend, but I have used it with some success on friends who seemed depressed or anxious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually frame the suggestion that they see someone by saying things like &quot;Wow talking to someone about stuff really helped. Even mundane things, like frustration with x situation were made easier.&quot; After a while of establishing that it was helpful in ways beyond treating an actual illness, it is easier to say &quot;Why don't you try it?&quot; In this way it doesn't come out as &quot;I think you are sick and need help.&quot; It's more like &quot;you should try this great new optional thing that even non-sick people can do.&quot; Once you get past saying the actual suggestion you are free to try to convince them to go and you can even offer to help set up the appointment. All under the pretext that &quot;it's just nice to have someone to vent to&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may seem annoying, but it will seem harmless because you are not letting them know your true motives. If you are able to get them to go, that is when the professional will take over. They may go in, thinking they are just going to bitch about the haters to a neutral ear, but if their behavior is truly as obvious as you say it is, the therapist will notice and they will deal with addressing the actual problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The set up and convincing could take some time. You don't want to rush it or it will be too obvious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of the concerned friends have seen a therapist before, you might still be able to say &quot;so-and-so went and they really liked it, I'm thinking of trying it, you should too&quot;. The important part is to frame therapy as something normal that even you have done/want to do. Most people think you can only do it, if you have an actual illness, but you can do it just to organize your thoughts and feelings. Letting your friend know this will make it seem like a more approachable idea, without them having to admit that something is wrong with their behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5682" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T19:09:26.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5247" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-11T20:45:02.467" Score="25" ViewCount="17261" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a fairly high level, long time practicing martial artist. Generally when talking to people I don't know, if the subject comes up I get (almost invariably) one of two reactions from people that are not also martial artists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Oh, you do TKD? I took [insert art here] for x months y years ago. I got to [insert low rank here] but had to give it up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wow, I guess I better not get you mad then!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first is easily handled, I tell them that's great, it's too bad you didn't keep at it but you can always go back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second is pretty much a grit my teeth and smile kind of thing, as to me it perpetuates a bad stereotype that anyone trained in martial arts is some sort of slobbering grobian ready to explode into violence at the slightest provocation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I respond in a way that is tactful and yet lets them know the comment is inappropriate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify the second part: yes, I can tell when it is just an idle comment, and yes, there have been a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of the sarcastic/mocking/derogatory tones. Same for the first, if they seem interested I reciprocate, if it is an idle response I go along the lines of what I stated. I am more seeking input on the second type of response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorUserId="5568" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T00:41:30.317" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T11:20:23.983" Title="How to respond when people mock a skill or talent they just found out you do/have?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-11T21:06:51.183" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, I guess I better not get you mad then!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect this may just be a light-hearted response to something they don't know much about, outside of seeing martial arts choreographed in films. I wouldn't take it as an insult, but rather an opportunity to enlighten them on what this art means to you personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the people I've known that were practicing martial artists kept at it for the self-discipline, meditation, and exercise. If that's why you do it, take a second to explain that. If it were me, I might continue the light-hearted joke as well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I'd rather you not &quot;get me mad&quot; &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;insert laugh&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt; but I really enjoy my art because.... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often people will use light jokes to keep a conversation flowing, they usually don't mean any real harm. If they're perpetuating a stereotype that you don't appreciate, a light correction can &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;sometimes&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; do the trick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt; &#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of someone saying it in a sarcastic or mocking way, the above approach could work with an adjustment of tone and body language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I'd rather you not &quot;get me mad&quot; &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;force eye contact&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt; but I really enjoy my art because.... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be a little more aggressive/intimidating than you want to be in the situation, but it will likely send a clear message that you don't appreciate their tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're reading the martial arts talk as machismo, you still have the option to diffuse the situation by laughing it off with the first light-hearted approach. I've definitely seen people brag about their training in a grandiose way, if that's not your intention, joking about it may be an easier way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T14:44:59.793" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T14:44:59.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-11T21:11:02.850" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;What is important is continuing the joke with more joke rather than taking it overly seriously. I'm sure that it's very serious to you and it's certainly reasonable to respond in a way that will counter their immediate fear reaction (OMG this guy could probably kill me) by responding in a way that's both lighthearted and informative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely that most people have seen &lt;em&gt;Karate Kid&lt;/em&gt; and other such films and know that a big part of martial arts is learning discipline and how to de-escalate situations, so many of these respondents may actually know that you'd be unlikely to attack them if they made you angry... they're simply unsure how else to respond to your statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're also a film fan (based on your M&amp;amp;TV reputation), so consider incorporating that into your response. Tell them that Mr. Miyagi would disapprove of attacking them in anger. Or tell them that you prefer to follow the way of the Jedi and not give in to anger and hate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Follow this up with a comment that generalizes this response like &quot;and all faithful martial artists are the same&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure you have more references you can use but this should be a gentle reminder that martial arts is about avoiding the use of your skills, not actually using them. And a measured response may open a conversation into explaining more about the techniques you've learned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T21:20:56.513" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T21:20:56.513" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-11T21:35:50.920" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my children took karate and then kung fu. In one of them he learned &lt;strong&gt;&quot;the best fight is a no-punch fight. The second best fight is a two-punch fight.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; This line seems like a good response to the &quot;better not get you mad&quot; response. It makes it clear you won't throw the first punch and prefer not to be in a fight, while clearly agreeing yes, if we get in a fight it will end quickly. You can finish with a reassuring smile if you like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you would rather have a conversation with this person, you can smile at the joke and tell them something about your art. Start by agreeing if you like: &quot;you're right, I don't lose many fights, but don't worry, I never start them. For me, [art name] is more about [discipline, learning, cardio training, whatever] than about hitting people.&quot; Then continue on, pausing of course to see if the person is even vaguely interested, explaining why you like working at this skill. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for person with the short time leading to a low rank, be careful not to dismissive of it. The person is trying to build a bridge to you by sharing something you have in common. Replying &quot;it's too bad you didn't keep at it but you can always go back&quot; suggests a failing or lacking in them. Instead, why not let that be a conversation asking things like &quot;what did you like about it?&quot; or &quot;why did you stop practicing it?&quot; If it's an art you're familiar with, ask &quot;did you get to learn ABC? What did you think of that?&quot; If you're not familiar with it, ask things like &quot;is that a hitting style?&quot; or &quot;was it hard to learn the moves?&quot;, that sort of thing. Now you're having a conversation and nobody has mocked anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-10-11T21:57:02.940" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T21:57:02.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-11T21:50:35.890" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm also a martial artist, as well as a lover of other hobbies that are arguably even stranger than that and similarly intense if you allow them to be.  Almost every one of my strange hobbies provokes that same duality of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let me tell you how I didn't take what you love seriously... &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Here's a joke based on the lowest level of stereotypical knowledge&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(extremely rare) - Hey!  I do something similar (or the same) and here's a really neat conversation (and maybe a new friend)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that the third bullet is what I hang in there for.  As you say, the first is easy to handle in a positive way, by being enthusiastic and encouranging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For that troublesome middle state, I amuse myself by taking a variety of approaches based on my current mood, role in the group, and relationship to the joker.  Examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Someone who seems honestly a little concerned that I might just hurt them - I answer the underlying concern.  I may say &quot;I use my awesome powers only for good&quot;, or I may even say &quot;you're not really worried about that... right?&quot; and follow up with an honest discussion about the discipline of a good martial arts study and how it actually helps you be more calm and to take stress in stride.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Someone who always seems too competitive, or who I feel needs a good scaring - I may joke back &quot;I could kill you with my pinkie&quot; or &quot;Don't worry, you won't see me coming&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Someone neutral or in a situation with no deep connections, I joke back:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Don't worry, I'm more of a danger to myself than others&quot;, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;As long as you are on the light side of the force you have nothing to fear&quot;, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Oh I don't do my own dirty work, I pay people for that&quot; - moving it from a dumb martial arts movie, to a dumb gangster movie.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say - don't take this stuff too seriously - I haven't met all that many people who REALLY believe that martial artists will suddenly break into a rage and go hurting people.  I can usually tell from the joking tone that they are striving for some sense of connection, but because they don't know anything about this thing that I love, they don't really know how to approach it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If my light and witty reparte then provokes and honest to goodness question or even a follow up comment - then I do take it more seriously and move into the mode of being an ambassador of the art that I love.  And that means talking about how we safely get new people started, how we train mentally as well as physically, and how the masters that I've met are more calm and more controlled that most of the other people I know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7109" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T21:50:35.890" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-11T23:53:50.987" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;the comment is inappropriate&quot; That's a rather extreme statement, if this question really is about the example given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inter-personal skills is about getting along, at a minimum, and connecting genuinely, beyond that. Thin skin isn't a recipe for either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How to respond when people mock&quot; is a valid question, but the example given isn't that. I recommend learning to tell the difference between mean-spirited or insensitive mocking, and banal chit-chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastActivityDate="2017-10-11T23:53:50.987" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5222" CreationDate="2017-10-12T01:58:01.993" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In sensitive matters such as this , you should cover your bases by making sure that she could be romantically interested in you. In your comments , you mention that she still keeps things that you both shared as children . That is really sweet and she does treasure your company and friendship , but don't let that confuse you for romantic interest . The problem is when your attracted to someone , you overanalyze and you see everything optimistically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in your situation before and I made the mistake of not making sure whether her interest was of a romantic nature. Needless to say , It didn't work out well for me , but I did salvage my friendship after a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you to try the following before you actually make up your mind and tell her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Break your contact with her for a few weeks and see what happens. If she gets in touch with you , that is a good sign&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Put forth invitations where you two will spend time alone , not visiting each other's homes , which is a friendly thing to do. Maybe go out for a walk , dinner or any kind of date like situation. If she doesn't refrain and accepts , it is a good sign. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Flirt with her and see how she reacts . If she reacts positively and flirts back , that is great.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find that she is receptive, go for it ! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As @Kate says in her answer , do not say that you love her , that will scare her away. I suggest that you could ask her out , &lt;strong&gt;let her know explicitly that she is going  on a date with you.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps you out !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of Luck &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3922" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T01:58:01.993" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T02:00:39.420" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm considering only the &quot;better not make you mad&quot; scenario here.  I've seen three useful insights in the answers here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Keeping it light&quot; is a good idea&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Most people who say things like that really don't believe that you're a grobian (which I don't even know what that is, though it doesn't sound good); people's jokes don't always come out right&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You might consider a little introspection just in case you're hearing more tone than there is&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, fair enough, right?  So let's concentrate on those few (honest!) who really are throwing you some nasty tone.  Why do you reckon they are doing it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Could it be they believe martial arts are silly?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Could it be their ... &quot;alphahood&quot; feels threatened?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Could it be that they're just jerks?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll suggest that people who instantly get nasty over your hobby are people whom you don't really want to know, and more importantly, &lt;strong&gt;why waste time caring what they think?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Recommendation:  Draw on the self-discipline and serenity which years of martial arts training instill.  Smile, be pleasant, and seek the next opportunity to go talk to someone else.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take it from me.  My hobbies include recreational computer programming, crossword puzzles, and the Byzantine Empire.  &lt;strong&gt;I KNOW&lt;/strong&gt; when people think my hobbies are ridiculous, and I'm fine with it.  ;D  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T02:00:39.420" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5236" CreationDate="2017-10-12T02:16:33.797" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Look.  He knows.  You know.  What's making this an awkward situation is the unresolved truth that no-one will state.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At present, the question is eating at you -- that is, it's a problem for you.  If you tell him, it ceases to be &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; problem, and becomes entirely &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Politesse demands that you be nice about it.  Much depends on how formal/friendly/teasing/etc your interactions with this guy are already.  The Q suggests that the guy is a friend, but not a close friend.  Were it me, I'd tell him, &quot;Bro, in re wedding invites.  I'm sorry, we couldn't make it work.  We still love ya.&quot;  Your precise words will vary, but you get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T02:16:33.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5259" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-12T02:27:35.513" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could try to find a moment to speak to him in private and say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, sorry for walking in on you earlier. It's a perfectly normal thing you were doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But anyway, [some excuse to leave / change the subject].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The intended message here is &amp;quot;it's not a big deal&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't drag out the above words or put too much emotion into them - just say it quickly in passing like it's no big deal&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't explicitly ask for forgiveness with something like &amp;quot;can you forgive me?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't go into any more detail&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't explicitly say you won't speak about it again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't explicitly say the words &amp;quot;it's not a big deal&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing any of the above would all make it seem like a much bigger deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd probably suggest trying to change the subject instead of making an excuse to leave, as that makes it even less of a big deal (as it might seem like you actually started the conversation to speak about the second thing) and can propel you back towards the way you used to interact (because you're putting normal conversation right beside the awkward one, to emphasise that you can just go back to normal). Even if you just ask something silly and everyday like &amp;quot;have you seen the cat&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an alternative to &amp;quot;It's a perfectly normal thing you were doing&amp;quot;, you can try a bit of a light-hearted approach and say &amp;quot;I can't even remember what you were doing&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T16:40:20.933" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5263" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T04:30:01.393" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, I guess I better not get you mad then!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;as to me it perpetuates a bad stereotype that anyone trained in&#xA;  martial arts is some sort of slobbering grobian ready to explode into&#xA;  violence at the slightest provocation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the thing... another martial arts expert might consider the comment a respectful acknowledgment of their ability, presented in a jokey way to facilitate connection-building.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that often we don't see the world the way &lt;em&gt;it&lt;/em&gt; is, we see the world the way &lt;em&gt;we are&lt;/em&gt;. We can attach positive or negative meaning to anything that happens to us. It's our choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3712" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T04:30:01.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1787" CreationDate="2017-10-12T05:26:31.620" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you know, you care. If someone has the same issues that you have, they won't ask or comment even if they notice it. That's the point of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my suggestion of responding to the questions are as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You can look at me, you know!&quot;&#xA;Say sheepishly, &quot;Yeah, I would but then again, you would be distracted by my beautiful eyes, and we wouldn't be able to focus on our conversation!&quot; It politely conveys that the fault would lie with the person who made this comment and not you! It's also a joke that you are flattering yourself!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;So! I see you're pretty shy!&quot;&#xA;&quot;Are you an extreme extrovert, for only an extreme extrovert could say this!&quot;.&#xA;You are not admitting anything but instead reprimanding any self-proclaimed extrovert passing unsolicited comments on a supposed introvert!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want a light-hearted response, then you can also say, &quot;Thanks for calling me pretty, but my name is &quot;X&quot; not &quot;shy&quot;!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all could use more &quot;Empathy&quot; in this world. Observing should never lead to judging. Unfortunately, that's how most of the world works!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7119" LastEditorUserId="7119" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T05:34:17.140" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T05:34:17.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5236" CreationDate="2017-10-12T06:41:25.390" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may come off clean by telling something like you are not sure about, who's going to be invited yourself(that is true), so you can't answer the question, because you don't know, so you don't want any misinformation to be told about the event, you are organizing. In my imagination, it'll sound like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;it's really hard to submit the final version of the list due to limited space, large families, etc. and i still don't know, who will actually be present there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T06:41:25.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T06:48:23.540" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One possible option, if you want the atmosphere to remain fun and friendly after your reply to the person is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, you better get nobody mad to the point of smashing one another, because it's dangerous anyway, even for ordinary people. (optional) Moreover, i know which dangerous hits to avoid in a fight, so fighting me would be painful as Hell, but safe enough&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The optional part is one of variation, how to speak about another(even thou similar) topic, not discussing whether your companion should get you angry, whom they should or should not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T06:48:23.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4152" CreationDate="2017-10-12T07:16:53.897" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A subtle way would maybe change the situation for a small period, but if you want him to change his behaviour on a long term, you have to be more direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should just tell him something like &quot;Hey, I'm fine paying for you from time to time, but I noticed you rarely return the favor. I'd appreciate if you would do it more often [because I'm low on money and I can't always pay for two]&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T07:16:53.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5269" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-12T08:02:32.617" Score="7" ViewCount="684" Body="&lt;p&gt;By first encounter, I mean meeting the person in an event, such a meetup in a cafe, or a seminar, or such. The event is to be expected, but is not planned by us; we are invited to join the event, if we can. There are several that we have been acquainted before (briefly, in the previous event), but there will be many that we haven't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The event is a Deaf meetup (to encourage hearie to learn Deaf culture), but it's to be expected that many people with various disability to attend. I'm mainly concerned about &lt;strong&gt;navigating topics to avoid and behavior that may offend them&lt;/strong&gt;, while at the same time I don't want to lose opportunity to make new friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to handle the encounter with the disabled in this situation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the previous event, I'm expecting Deaf (obviously), those on wheelchair and crutches. I'm &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; expecting blind people (but there might be in the next event).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the question I have is whether asking about when, how, or why they've gone disabled is an appropriate question, but this is &lt;em&gt;not the main question.&lt;/em&gt; This event will be held in Indonesia, but I believe &quot;disability culture&quot; is more important, thus I welcome answers from anywhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T05:14:08.440" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T05:14:08.440" Title="How to handle first encounter with a disabled person?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T08:06:38.460" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just smile and don't go into it deeper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The response you get is a response from a person who knows so little about martial arts that they don't have anything useful to say about it. It's not mean spirited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's meant to not have an awkward silence and probably means you should change the subject. You can not have a meaningful conversation with this person about this subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other response would be a : &quot;Hey I do martial arts&quot;,&quot;Ok ......&quot; (insert awkward silence)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2697" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T08:06:38.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T08:11:22.920" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, I'd like to give you the advice to &lt;em&gt;avoid&lt;/em&gt; the situation in the first place by &lt;strong&gt;not telling you are a practitioner of a martial art&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not only to avoid stupid comments. It also helps to avoid the typical &quot;show me something&quot; situations as well and - I actually experienced that - people do not rely on you to &quot;protect&quot; them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that's not what the question is about. So assuming the inappropriate comment happened and it was in fact totally inappropriate ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;How can I respond in a way that is tactful and yet lets them know the comment is inappropriate?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think most of the time it merely shows the lack of knowledge about the specific art and martial arts in general of the commenters. That's why I usually ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do not take comments personal nor really seriously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;make it clear that suspecting me to be a &quot;time-bomb&quot; is slightly offensive and in fact MA generally help with anger management (but admitting there are exceptions and &quot;black sheep&quot; in the industry). That would be in two or three sentences. Then I'll try and change subject.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I'll use something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; black sheep in the industry that will produce &quot;street-fighters&quot; but any reputable school will reject or expel students that have &quot;a record&quot; or behave aggressively. Actually, practicing MA in general benefits anger management, or why do you think there are boxing classes for teenagers with anger issues? Outside this all, it's never a good idea to make any person mad on purpose, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A whole different story is &lt;em&gt;when the commenter obviously is trying to deliberately make you mad&lt;/em&gt; (i.e. picking a fight with you). I'll usually deflect by making some reference to &quot;Master Ken&quot; and walk away or otherwise disengage conversation with the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ah - &quot;And don't forget to restomp the groin!&quot; ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Wow, I guess I better not get you mad then!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This specific example doesn't seem to be mocking in a malevolent way to me. If I feel the person will get the joke, I'll say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You don't know how right you guess ...&quot; (with a &quot;;)&quot; )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or dragging it into funny (if it's a male):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, I'd never punch a girl.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the person I also like to cite &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The ultimate aim of martial arts is not having to use them.&#xA;  – Miyamoto Musashi&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5980" LastEditorUserId="5980" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T08:44:04.670" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T08:44:04.670" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5236" CreationDate="2017-10-12T08:25:37.430" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;We just had almost the same situation and we decided to not give much space for bad interpretation. Our first idea was also to our friend that we only invite very close friends, but then i thought this is a bad idea. If we say &quot;We invite only close friends.&quot; for our friend it will sound like &quot;You are not a close friend, thats why we don't invite you.&quot; and that hurts pretty much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't invite everyone it often has a limiting factor (space, money, ...). It's important to tell your friend, why you can not invite so many guests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we had to explain why we didn't invite this specific friend, we said that we had to make the hard decision to invite only the few friends we spent most time with recently. This reason doesn't give a good opportunity to be misunderstood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It worked pretty well for us and our friend accepted our decision without beeing mad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T08:25:37.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5269" CreationDate="2017-10-12T08:49:00.657" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to handle the encounter with the disabled in this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, first greet them as you do to other people. They are maybe differently-abled people, but still they're people like others and want (mostly) to be treated as normal as possible. So, just talk in the same way you do with others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One of the question I have is whether asking about when, how, or why they've gone disabled is an appropriate question, but this is not the main question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people like to talk about this and some not. Some people may want others to know the problems happening to them due to this issue, while some not. Therefore, this shouldn't be your first question. You can ask later when you know them a little bit. You can say like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you don't mind asking, may I know how did this happen to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once this time, when I offered my seat to a person with crutches, I did have a general conversation with him and I asked the same. He didn't mind it all and told me the disease that caused him lose his legs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have other questions, ask them like you normally do. If you are having conversation with a person in wheelchair, try sit on a chair to maintain eye contact so that person doesn't have to look up continuously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T09:27:46.840" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T09:27:46.840" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5274" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5284" CreationDate="2017-10-12T09:00:28.890" Score="39" ViewCount="32020" Body="&lt;p&gt;We recently attended a friend's birthday party where some pictures were taken. I had no problem with it, as long as these photos were not put online and shared.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The majority of my friends (I'd say almost everyone) don't care as long as the pictures are not embarrassing. I really have a problem when someone decides to upload a picture of me online, or in a worst-case scenario share it with people I don't know or even public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I definitely know that this friend and most of my other friends don't fully understand my request. They will treat me as being fussy since the related pictures are not bad in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my problem is that I want to tell my friend about my privacy concerns without risking reducing the strength of our friendship. I also don't want my friend to feel awkward taking photos which include me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell my friend about my concerns without creating an awkward situation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not looking for a rough solution. I know how to get the pictures removed in worst case and I'm sure the pictures would get removed if I ask for removal. My issue here is how to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit: (answering comments)&lt;/strong&gt; Some photos are already online and shared for a group of friends (10+-). We are 23-27 years old and we live in Germany.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastEditorUserId="2527" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T13:57:12.413" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T12:24:18.963" Title="How to ask a friend to remove/not post photos of me on social media?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="18" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5275" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5236" CreationDate="2017-10-12T09:31:55.210" Score="-7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should really invite him to the wedding for one reason. He's interested in your wedding. If you choose to exile him from the situation you must be aware there could be a build up of negative energy from denial. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't still be friends if you don't invite him, it could end up being a messy situation between you two. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him &quot;I don't think so&quot; when he says no tell him it's uncomfortable to be around you my wife is uncomfortable. We don't know you well enough.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7128" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T09:31:55.210" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5276" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5236" CreationDate="2017-10-12T09:48:40.587" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently in the same situation as OP, I am planning my wedding which will be in the next two weeks. My interactions with some of my friends and close colleagues are starting to be awkward with them reminding me that am getting married in the next two weeks and asking me why they have not received invitations yet, I usually just tell them &quot;My fiance and I have big families and because of limited space in the venue where we getting married they will receive invites only if some of our family members decline or cannot make it, otherwise it is going to be a family affair.&quot;, that usually works for me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7131" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T09:48:40.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5277" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-12T10:10:21.520" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have both been caught and busted people in awkward situations like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing, in almost ANY tense situation is just to openly talk about it. In what way, depends on how you are related to that person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it would have been one of my friends I would probably have said something sarcastic or made a pervy joke out of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it would have been a relative like the situation you are describing, maybe something more like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Haha, that was a big woops! Must have been as awkward for you as it has been for me. But hey, it's all good lets just forget about it.. Its a human thing to do. Even if it wasn't, who am I to judge what you do in your own privacy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry for busting in like that.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7135" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T10:10:21.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5274" CreationDate="2017-10-12T10:12:03.810" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes being to the point is good. Just tell him that you don't like photos of you being posted on the Internet without you being asked first. Fussy or not, it is something that you don't like and it should be respected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to be aggressive about it. Just have a serious conversation and say that this thing bothers you and you'd like them to respect your wish not to see pictures of you uploaded without your permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3538" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T11:49:10.040" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T11:49:10.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5222" CreationDate="2017-10-12T10:24:46.953" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't have to tell her that you love her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling somebody that you love her, doesn't change how she feels about you, so there is no reason for you to say it right now. If she likes you, she likes you...if she doesn't, she doesn't. Saying it won't change any of the 2 states.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first try to show her that you are romantically interested in her (leave the feelings talk for later). Show her that you want to date her and that you want to be more than friends. Flirt her...tease her!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Watch for signs whether she is also romantically interested in you and if so, make a move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just need to date her and make a move (a kiss) after you are sure that she is also romantically interested in you or else if you are not sure you need to expect either outcome (good or bad).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Make your move slowly to give her the chance to react if she doesn't want a kiss to happen. I repeat though, don't feel bad if she doesn't accept the kiss. Many women get alarmed at first but make up their mind later. In that case she must be the one to chase you. So if she doesn't wanna be kissed, be a gentleman and continue to be relaxed and have fun with her. She might reach out to you later!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3538" LastEditorUserId="3538" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T16:33:13.917" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T16:33:13.917" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T10:27:04.600" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I too have a black belt, although I gave up training some decades ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't often come up, but if it does, and people say &quot;gosh, I'd better be careful around you&quot;, my response is to look puzzled and say &quot;Why, what were you planning to do?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was younger, people might say, &quot;don't you ever get into fights?&quot; The answer to that is; &quot;of course not, I might kill someone. And I would lose my licence.&quot; Then smile and laugh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I am small and female, I am OK with people knowing I have a black belt. I did karate classes for a reason, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T10:27:04.600" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T10:36:08.790" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, instead of telling them your high level, just talk about the subject in a humble, private way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, they say they practice X martial art. You reply: «wow, very nice. I've always enjoyed martial arts. I even practice a bit.» And if the other participant continues the conversation along the same line of subject, you casually, and &lt;em&gt;progressively&lt;/em&gt; show that you know a bit more, e.g.« I like some technique or a retreat I did» or «I have this funny story:(...)»,etc. Just don't go saying, right at the start: «I have this much, I've reached this level...» This sometimes amounts to saying «Look at just how awesome I am», i.e., a bit arrogant, and this may be why some people may make a joke or two. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my 2 cents...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2891" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T10:36:08.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="645" CreationDate="2017-10-12T10:55:27.820" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just Simple. Do not end the conversation leaving the person hanged up. Just say it in a nice way like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Nice talking with You. I had fun, Hope to have a conversation with you again soon&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7137" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T10:55:27.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5236" CreationDate="2017-10-12T10:59:19.890" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you asking what should be done, or are you asking how to respond to his request?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;My suggestion varies for how much effort you wish to make helping the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am caught on the “after having a few drinks” bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does he only ask this sort of thing from you, or does he ask it of others too?  Would he?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is his status?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Does he have a significant other?  Is he legally bound in a marital union?  What is his religion?  Does he have a favorite writer or philosopher?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How is he webbed in your “circle of friends”?  Who is a better friend to him than you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say that this guy has some semi-repressed emotional ‘anchors’ which are tugging at and urging him to ask for an invitation.  It may be some wish to ‘hook–up with a drunk chick at a wedding’, or it may be some unprofessed sadness at the fact that he has not yet met The One and hopes to do so at your own event of sorts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more thing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is obviously some incompatibility between you and him which results with him on your C list or worse.  How does that play into all this?  Do you know him and not like him, or is he simply difficult to know?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Not expecting an answer to that one; it is something for you to consider.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T10:59:19.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5274" CreationDate="2017-10-12T11:13:56.287" Score="28" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to tell my friend about my privacy concerns without risking to reduce the strength of our friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would tell them the truth. If they are &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; your friends, they'll understand. &lt;strong&gt;Your life, your rights, your privacy, your choice!&lt;/strong&gt; Be clear about that. &lt;strong&gt;&quot;NO&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; is sometimes a complete sentence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I also don't want my friend to feel awkward taking photos which include me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, it is awkward if they don't get your point, don't understand how and why you feel that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You definately need to have a talk with your friends, and let them know. Be nice, but firm. I would recommend that you first look over the web for some articles talking about privacy and the problems that arose from there. &lt;strong&gt;Get some stories about lack of privacy ready, and tell them how bad it went&lt;/strong&gt;. Understood or not, it might be awkward anyway, I don't think you can dodge this. But the best way is to tell them that many people around the world have been in trouble at their workplace or in their family, because of pictures thrown on the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say that &lt;em&gt;they're not bothered as long as the pictures are not embarrassing&lt;/em&gt;, search for the story of that young Austrian girl with her pictures put online by parents. (link not provided because it's in German, nothing found in English). And, hopefully, let them understand how the picture of a tiny, cute little baby/girl can be embarassing years later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;/!\&lt;/strong&gt; It's the internet. So, when it's online, not much you can do. &lt;strong&gt;Crusher, mill, grinder&lt;/strong&gt;, you name it! But what started with a finger in the cog will end with you being shredded to parts. &lt;strong&gt;No more private life...&lt;/strong&gt; And beware of the Streisand effect, when it backfires.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I definitely know that this friend and most of my other friends don't fully understand my request. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you're left with some very little leeway:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;be &quot;funny&quot; and wear a mask :) (Same as you, here. So I did it once. I let you imagine how awkward that was, but many were laughing too. Some got the point.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't go to the party or leave/hide yourself if any picture is taken (did it too. Not bothered anymore after that. Move and repeat : &lt;em&gt;sorry, no picture of me.&lt;/em&gt; As much as needed).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Legal action afterwards (tough way, but you have the law on your side, even though it's somehow too late.).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, if you're in Germany, as your profile says, here are some related reading : what the European Laws say about &lt;a href=&quot;http://eur-lex.europa.eu/legal-content/EN/TXT/HTML/?uri=CELEX:32016R0679&amp;amp;from=FR&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Personal Data - Privacy&lt;/a&gt; or this study from the &lt;a href=&quot;https://docs.google.com/viewer?docex=1&amp;amp;url=http://www.law.kuleuven.be/icri/en/news/item/facebooks-revised-policies-and-terms-v1-1.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Centre of Interdisciplinary Law and ICT at the University of Leuven in Belgium&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From (and with credit to) @fildor comment: &lt;em&gt;There is also the &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Recht am eigenen Bild&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;. In general, you have the right to ask for your picture to be permanently deleted if you didn't accept it to be taken. There are some exceptions, be sure to check if it applies.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T17:59:43.413" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T17:59:43.413" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3033" CreationDate="2017-10-12T11:18:38.813" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short answer: &lt;strong&gt;you're not overreacting, and you should definitely offer your help&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, I find your reaction perfectly understandable. You know the subject because of personal experience and you have had the chance to form a clear opinion about it, which, given that this matter affects directly only a minority of people, is not to take for granted. I am part of the LGBT+ community myself, and I can totally identify with your reaction and your desire to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's assume the best from your boss. That is, she really means well, the ego boosting is not the primary reason (if not a reason at all) for her to teach this class about &quot;transgenders&quot;, and she knows (at least) something correct about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an ally, you can start the conversation with her by congratulating her for her speaking up about this subject:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really wanted to express my felicitations about the class you're going to teach. I feel that this topic is too often ignored at the workplace. We are going to take great benefit from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you mentioned that you know each other for six years and that she respects you, you can very well move to mention your experience with transgender people. I would suggest &lt;em&gt;not to address the topic of her competence at all&lt;/em&gt;: you want to attend a good class, not to make her feel inadequate. Surely it's a superfluous remind, but... be humble. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I am impressed also because I have some direct experience with transgender people [insert the level of detail here, be it mentioning your former partner(s) or your activism in the LGBT movement etc. In any case, hint the level of your experience].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, after you made clear that 1. you're happy about this topic being spoken about (I guess you really could be, if done in a proper way), and 2. you can offer valuable competences, offer your help. Acknowledge that this is an &lt;em&gt;objectively difficult&lt;/em&gt; topic, show her empathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Such topics are always very delicate to deal with, I would be glad to help you in the preparation of the classes, maybe also involving [trans people or organization you know].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a sidenote, I'd suggest you something not mentioned in your question.&#xA;It sounds like that you could be one of the most eager and entitled people of your workplace to talk about this topic - after all, you mentioned that you &quot; try to be active in the movement for equality&quot;. Why not &lt;strong&gt;take your offer a step further and become involved in the organization of the event itself&lt;/strong&gt; (of course, to the extent your position allows you)&lt;strong&gt;?&lt;/strong&gt; You could become the reference person for the organization of such courses in the future and put yourself in the position of suggesting .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T11:18:38.813" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5286" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5287" CreationDate="2017-10-12T12:24:04.300" Score="23" ViewCount="5015" Body="&lt;p&gt;We're helping out a client improve its day-to-day processes by finding flaws in its internal controls and recommending improvements. It's a small team, and I'm one of them. It's headed by a single person, who's a qualified auditor. The rest of us are interns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the beginning of audit of a new department, we usually have a discussion with the departmental head to learn about its process flow. In this particular instance, I went for the discussion alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this discussion, the departmental head, a lady, happened to mention a few activities which I thought could well be automated. I asked her if there were more like that. She mentioned another such instance, where they had to extract information from their internal server. The software they were provided with doesn't have the option to export to a more useful format, say, an Excel file.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I told her that we could help them automate such tasks if it were possible. She was more than happy to let us do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later that afternoon, while I was filling in my senior on our discussion, I told him about their problem, and asked him if it'd be okay for us to provide them with that solution. He denied and said that we'll consider that if they ask us on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't tell him that I already kind of promised that lady that we had a solution for their problem. I didn't exactly make a promise. I just let her know that the task could be automated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I don't see any harm in providing them the solution  to automate. So that's what I feel is the right thing to do. How do I convince him to do that?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: The solution itself is not that big of a deal. It's a small Python script that saves a webpage and converts into Excel format, and I don't have to invest much time, either. We're already using several scripts for gathering data for our work purposes. I'll just have take one of them and modify a few lines at most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7118" LastEditorDisplayName="user7118" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T13:19:39.213" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T14:16:40.067" Title="How to convince my senior about offering a favor to a client?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5286" CreationDate="2017-10-12T12:30:43.283" Score="72" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your senior already gave you the answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He denied and said that we'll consider that if they ask us on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just relay that to the client:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I talked with my senior and he said we'll have to do this through more official channels. You'll have to request this feature from him yourself. I can help you draft up a description, if you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T12:30:43.283" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5274" CreationDate="2017-10-12T13:12:53.983" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your request is reasonable but unfortunately it is even more impractical than you think. As soon as someone has installed a facebook app, facebook &lt;a href=&quot;https://web.archive.org/web/20160605165148/http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/11/10/facebook_scans_camera_for_your_friends/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;runs every photo the person takes through its severs&lt;/a&gt;, whether the user actively uploads it on facebook or not. There is reason to expect that facebook scans those photos for known faces and for geolocation. So even if your friends tell you that they won't upload your photo on social media, as soon as they take a photo with their cell phone or tablet camera, facebook knows where you were, when, and with whom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the only thing you can do is to ask your friends not to take any photos of you unless they use a real camera &lt;em&gt;and then&lt;/em&gt; not to upload those on Facebook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no way to do this without inviting at least some debate, since most people just take it for granted that they have no privacy anymore or are ready to trade their privacy for &quot;a great app&quot; (or whatever). Thus you might just have to be blunt:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't take any photos of me with a cell phone./Please don't post photos online that include me. My privacy is very important for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T13:12:53.983" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5289" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5274" CreationDate="2017-10-12T13:34:54.067" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every person has a comfort zone of what they're happy with being shared. For example, I don't share photos online, but many people do. I still take photos as personal memories, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the case is here that your friends have a different comfort zone than you do. They (I assume) are perfectly happy to post photos that they take on facebook. You can talk to them about it, which other answers suggest, but there is no guarantee that (1) they'll be understanding or (2) the'll take the time to sift through the photos of you and exclude them, or blur you out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a photo adverse person. I also don't have a facebook profile so I can't go online and check if my friends have posted photos of me. As a result, I've developed the following policy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) I don't participate in a photo if I don't want it shared.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(or 1b: I assume every photo taken of me will be shared)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) The only photos I can control are the ones taken with my camera.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since so many people are on facebook, I just assume that if it's taken on someone else's device, it will be shared somewhere. If I'm not happy with that, I just don't participate. If I want to take a photo then I use my own camera that I have control over. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is inconvenient. This means that you won't be joining photos sometimes, or you will have to use your own camera instead. But in my experience, it's worth it in the long run because you have a lot more control of what photos of you end up on facebook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Context is important. Almost all photos I participate in are family photos. My mom and I will sometimes take a selfie and she'll post it on her facebook profile and I don't mind that. But it's not me at a party/in a compromising position/etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T14:43:50.943" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T14:43:50.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T13:46:54.550" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;For &lt;em&gt;your specific&lt;/em&gt; case, you are oversensitive.  None of the examples you list are mocking you.  The first one is someone trying to relate to you (it actually says more about you then them if you think that's mocking).  The second one is playful.  In your case, learn to stop being so oversensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to respond when people mock a skill or talent they just found out you do/have?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this question will come up in searches, here are some examples of mocking and how to handle them.  Actual mocking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You don't look like you do TKD.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You do TKD?  HA HA HA HA HA.  Yeah right!  C'mon be honest.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sure, you do TKD!  And I can bench press my car!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you react, you will immediately confirm their suspicion or mocking.  People lose all the time in martial arts matches, so if you can't take &lt;em&gt;actual mocking&lt;/em&gt;, it does raise some suspicion about your legitimacy.  The same is true anytime you tell someone something they mock as unbelievable.  What the person is &lt;strong&gt;actually communicating to you is&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't seem like the person who would do that because of your personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ironically, the fact that you saw the comments as mocking confirms suspicions.  Stated this way: body-slamming doesn't affect you, but a person's words do?  Really?  That's very inconsistent.  Other cases, the person may be jealous or envious and feel the need to put you down.  Why engage and get defensive?  Again, this says more about them than you, &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; this is true.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best response is either to either not react, or agree with them and have a little fun, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: &quot;You do TKD?  HA HA HA HA HA.  Yeah right!  C'mon be honest.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &quot;Okay, you're right.  I just listen to TKD podcasts.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: &quot;Sure, you do TKD!  And I can bench press my car!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &quot;So can I!  As long as it's my son's toy car.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases, if you respond, you're making it clear that you can have fun too (some teasing can be playful).  If they're teasing you because they feel inferior, these responses help because they show you're not trying to validate yourself to them.  The only people who go around boasting about what they do and want to be taken seriously are people seeking validation from others.  That's begging for trouble (which is why the problem in your case is on your end - you're way too oversensitive).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T13:46:54.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T13:54:05.963" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My answer to &quot;oh, I must not get you mad then&quot; would be a sincere &quot;I'd appreciate it if you didn't&quot;.  This does not really work with gritted teeth, it basically wants a wry smile: you don't really want to give the impression that the other person is controlling your emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7149" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T13:54:05.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5286" CreationDate="2017-10-12T14:00:52.070" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a project manager I'd want anything that my team did to be traceable to requests from the client. That way any work goes through whatever process my team would use to insure both the the code met the requirements and that the code quality met my team's requirements. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two major problems with you surreptitiously do some coding. The major problem is that the team doesn't get credit for the improvement. Second if it breaks, then the team gets a huge black eye because we broke something that we weren't even supposed to be working on.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So Erik is right. Have the lady submit a formal request to do the work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6584" LastEditorUserId="6584" LastEditDate="2017-10-12T14:16:40.067" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T14:16:40.067" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-12T14:45:21.347" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your wife has already told him &quot;no&quot;, and it sounds like she has, there may be little she can say to him to get him to stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's an unpleasant reality in Western culture that women are still treated as second-class citizens or non-persons by an uncomfortably large percentage of people&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-paige-rosen/women-in-the-us-are-still-wage-gap_b_5018490.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/international-womens-day-9-charts-that-prove-women-are-still-treated-like-second-class-citizens-10093349.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; (more by men than by women, but the unconscious bias is still found in women). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good example of this is that doctors tend to downplay symptoms reported by women&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/emergency-room-wait-times-sexism/410515/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;3&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/how-sexist-stereotypes-mean-doctors-ignore-womens-pain-a7157931.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;4&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; - particularly pain&lt;a href=&quot;https://qz.com/611774/period-pain-can-be-as-bad-as-a-heart-attack-so-why-arent-we-researching-how-to-treat-it/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;5&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/nz9wbg/your-pain-is-not-real-how-doctors-discriminate-against-women&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;6&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt;. Another is that some men consider women prizes to be won, and interpret rejection as &quot;playing hard to get&quot;, re-frame stalking as &quot;romantic persistence&quot;, and similar rationalizations for continuing unwanted behavior.&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2017/05/03/13-reasons-why-conversation-rape-culture-important-one-suicide/101141694/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;7&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.southernct.edu/sexual-misconduct/facts.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;8&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/oct/15/donald-trump-words-what-rape-culture-looks-like&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;9&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, you can't swoop in and act the &quot;white-knight&quot; to scare off potential suitors, as it's disrespectful to your wife and causes all sorts of problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is make sure to keep the lines of communication open, and provide support &lt;em&gt;when asked&lt;/em&gt;, by doing what she &lt;em&gt;asks&lt;/em&gt; you to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad gave me this advice when I was in my teens, and it's been a pretty good guideline for me: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There will be an endless line of men looking to steal your relationship with your wife, and until she asks for your help there's nothing you can or should do about it. Once she asks, there's very little you can't or shouldn't do to protect her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, all you can do is make sure she knows you support her, particularly that her judgment is sound and his behavior is extremely inappropriate (and borderline, if not actually criminal). Trust that she's able to handle it until she asks for help, or is physically rendered unable to ask - he's already resorted to alcohol, arguably the oldest date-rape drug, so he may try something more potent at some point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she asks you to step in, let her set the bounds and make the problem go away - within those bounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she gives you free reign, remember you're of no use to anyone in jail on charges of assault and battery, so be smart about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him off &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell his fiancé (bring proof)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Report him to the police (bring more proof), etc. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be the first to get physical, but if he raises his hand against her or you, break it. Don't go any further than you can justify, and stop once he's no longer a threat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Above all, remember: going through this type of experience can be extremely traumatic, do not make it worse by diminishing her sense agency or personhood. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are only to provide requested or emergency support to ensure no-one limits or disregards her ability to make decisions about her body. Be an aid to enforce her decisions about what she will and will not permit in regards to her body - don't be yet another person trying to control her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep that it mind and you should be OK. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3377" LastEditorUserId="3377" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T02:53:58.463" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T02:53:58.463" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5269" CreationDate="2017-10-12T14:53:47.913" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Almost universally, every person I have met that has some sort of limitation has the same desire: To be treated just like any person that you would meet that doesn't have limitations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things to think about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid being a cliche: If you meet a deaf person, don't talk louder and slower. Find out if they can read lips, and if so, avoid talking facing away from them. Otherwise, find an interpreter. In this case, also don't have the conversation with the interpreter, still talk to the person you are conversing with. And so on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let them initiate contact: If you have someone that is on crutches or has a limitation with their hands, let them offer the handshake or any other contact.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find out about their interests as you would anyone: Just because they have a limitation, doesn't mean that they don't pursue some of the same hobbies and interests you do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example of the last point, there is a lady in our organization that is a 2nd degree black belt, motivational speaker, licensed pilot. She was born with no arms. She asks for no accommodations (And actually does a really impressive nunchaku form with her feet), and expects to be treated as anyone else. Incredible woman to talk to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T14:53:47.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5269" CreationDate="2017-10-12T16:35:53.453" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience there are two kinds of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ableism&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;ableism&lt;/a&gt; there are those who avoid or are openly insulting/condescending to people and there are those that are extra special &quot;nice&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As with a lot of people who are &quot;different&quot; they likely just want to be treated the same way you would treat everyone else. Don't be rude, but don't tiptoe either. You're talking to a person, not a disabled person. Would you feel the need to stand on a chair when talking to a very tall person, or kneel when talking to a very short person? Probably not, or at least I would hope not...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People generally don't like being gawked at because they're &quot;different&quot; no one wants to feel like a sideshow attraction in their day to day life, but avoiding them because they're &quot;different&quot; is equally wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to talking to someone about their specific issue, and it's an issue you don't have in common, it's probably better to let them take the lead. But try not to avoid conversations or act differently with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're having a mutual conversation about &quot;disability&quot;, it may be appropriate to ask about theirs, but it would probably be inappropriate to bring it up with a stranger out of nowhere. Keep in mind that while some people may have just been born that way, some may have suffered very real and lasting pain and trauma. It's also worth mentioning that even if the person was born that way they may have been bullied for being &quot;different&quot; which is also very traumatic. Questions about these things will likely, and obviously, be very personal, so tread carefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T16:35:53.453" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5274" CreationDate="2017-10-12T17:08:23.997" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is doable.  Tell your friend that you don't like having your photos online, and that you need him to not post them.  Now some of this falls on you ... you have to either bow out of group photos altogether, or arrange that two shots be taken, one with you and one without.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once your crew gets used to this, it'll be just your weird quirk.  We all have 'em.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T17:08:23.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5300" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5274" CreationDate="2017-10-12T17:38:25.543" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Take the friend aside and explain succinctly and privately.  Obviously, the picture-poster is not a horrible person, they just didn't know your preference.  Be willing to admit that you have the unusual perspective among your social set and clarify your boundaries:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love that we're friends, and I'm honored to be part of the photos of your &lt;em&gt;private&lt;/em&gt; memories.  But I'm very conservative about where my image appears on public forums like social media.  I'd really appreciate it if you would avoid posting any picture I'm in, or edit me out.  And no worries if you accidentally post me - just please take it down when you notice it happened.  I'll never be offended if you ask me to step of a picture because you want to post it online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, as picture taking happens, quickly ask &quot;are you guys posting it online?&quot; and if so, enthusiastically offer to be the one HOLDING the camera! :)  Now you know you won't be in it.  As another poster said - since are you the one who wants the unusual thing, realize that you probably need to step out of ALL heavily shared group shots - once there's 10-20 people in a picture, you won't really be able to talk to everyone that shares it to control the digital flow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As time goes on, you may well get teased about being unusual.  People like to tease.  It happens.  The key is to take it stride and try to avoid rising to the bait or getting annoyed.  If you can joke back about it, so much the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I'll highlight some of the other postings - you can try to minimize your digital footprint, for sure, but you won't eliminate it.  So it is a question of how hard you want to fight this fight.  It IS nearly impossible to fully eliminate an image once it's posted - you can limit it's scope of publicity, but it's never fully 100% gone.  Similarly, because you are part of the fabric of other people's lives, your friends WILL haphazardly mention you in their own postings.  This is a sad part of life in a digital age, and about the only way you can eliminate it completely is to have an extremely non-digital lifestyle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7109" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T17:38:25.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-12T20:08:23.523" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why does she continue to put herself in these situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After an unwanted kiss, absolutely do not take a ride home from that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After she does anyway, and it's an unwanted creepy car ride, don't take another ride.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After she does anyway, and it's another creepy car ride with physical contact, STOP HAVING ANY CONTACT WITH THIS PERSON.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She needs to be responsible for herself. She's going to have a rough life if she can't learn to shut down unwanted advances, and cut people out of her interactions that damage your relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could solve this problem for her by talking to the guy and fiance, but it will happen again. She needs to learn to stick up for herself. That is, if she actually wants to make it stop. Some people just like attention, and then blame the parties they enticed when they're in too deep. If at some point she isn't putting a stop to this you have to question her motives as well. For most, that point has already happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7165" LastEditorUserId="7165" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T13:50:49.790" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T13:50:49.790" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5306" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5395" CreationDate="2017-10-12T21:08:17.740" Score="30" ViewCount="6013" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a preface, I apologize if this question seems off-topic; it is a twisted problem that I have tried to narrow down to a single, good question that addresses the lump sum of my concerns and issues with my current relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been dating a woman for around a month and a half who suffers from and is medicated for extreme depression as well as several problems that cause chronic physical pain. She has an awful family life, lives with her mother (when she is home), and does not have steady employment. She &quot;self-medicates&quot; with marijuana, which I do believe to be genuinely helpful in some circumstances and simply an escape in others. Recently, she has been staying at my apartment anywhere from 5 days to a week or more at a time, something I fear could be leading to co-dependence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There have been a myriad of emotional and financial issues I have raised in the past, only to evoke an honestly truthful but not satisfactory response that I cannot possibly understand the severity of her condition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Namely, I do not want to be an enabler for negative life choices for her. I realize that with severe depression comes an extreme lack of motivation and self-loathing, often brought on by no reason at all. However, she will often seek my approval to do the following things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cancelling appointments she has for what little work she does have (she is a self-employed tutor who sets her own schedule)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Smoking marijuana in my apartment, often 2-3 times a day, which can be probable cause for my eviction if discovered as it is illegal in my state&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Skipping therapy appointments&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Using the money she does have, or asking for money from me, to buy more marijuana because it has a more noticeable and immediate affect than her prescription medicines.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of these things, for the duration of her stays at my apartment I am solely responsible for buying food and driving. Whenever I raise a negative voice to these things, which I do infrequently, her reaction is that of &quot;I need it / it is good for my condition / you can't even begin to understand me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;We are capable of an honest, open dialogue between each other where we discuss these things.&lt;/strong&gt; However, I feel like even when I am stern I gain no ground and she does not understand my viewpoint and my true intentions. I don't wish to &quot;win&quot; an argument with her. Even if we disagree, I want her to see why I am making the choices I am making. &lt;strong&gt;Though we are capable of being open and honest, I don't know if anything I say is really reaching her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line is that I do not want to stigmatize her depression and I want to treat her fairly and kindly, because she is a great girl and I care about her quite a bit. The issue is that, while being kind and accepting, I do not want to be an enabler by allowing her to cancel things that are important or helpful &lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; looking at the long term. She has had previous jobs, good jobs, fall apart in the past because of her inability to be motivated. I feel like I can't sit by and give an affirmative every time she wants my approval to run from her responsibilities, no matter how much her depression may be inhibiting her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand in the short term these things are important and depression can be overwhelming and terrifying for her, but she has used my precedent of saying &quot;yes&quot; to these things in the past to continue the listed behavior quite frequently. I am okay with her taking these &quot;breaks&quot; in moderation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understanding that to her I come from a place of privilege and little understanding, &lt;strong&gt;how do I gently but confidently say &quot;no&quot; to her behavior without her viewing it as an attack on her or her condition?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For those who would like to posit that I speak to her about seeking professional help, she already sees a therapist and a psychiatrist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not have access to either of these individuals (remember, this is an early relationship), and likely asking for access to these individuals is something that would require a lot of explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; I appreciate the responses and the comments. For clarification, my girlfriend &lt;strong&gt;does not threaten self-harm or suicide in any way&lt;/strong&gt; when I say no to her. Instead, she turns the issue on its head and insists that I am harming the relationship by not being what she needs. I can't exactly argue, definitively -&#xA; I'm no professional and when every argument starts with &quot;you don't understand how this feels and how serious this is&quot; I can only agree that, well, I don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has a long history of getting what she &quot;needs&quot; from other people, so certainly she expects this as accepted behavior from a partner. Anything less is a misunderstanding and &quot;attack&quot; on her condition as a depressed individual, and a signal to her that I am not committed to the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6612" LastEditorUserId="6612" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T02:29:30.463" LastActivityDate="2019-08-11T03:15:25.183" Title="In an early relationship, how can I handle my partner's deep depression and not be an enabler?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="17" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5307" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5308" CreationDate="2017-10-12T21:19:56.887" Score="11" ViewCount="2064" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a fairly social person. Occasionally I'll engage with a local business owner (or manager, service rep, etc) when I really appreciate their service. Here's a couple quick examples...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While eating at a local lunch spot, I ended up chatting with the manager. I love the food, but it's always pretty quiet in there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We had our air conditioner replaced, and the guys who did it did a great job. The supervisor was very nice and friendly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Got our car fixed at the local shop down the street. Again, the service was excellent.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In each case, I tell the representative how great the service was, and how much I appreciate it. And in each case, &lt;strong&gt;they ask me to write a Yelp review&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where I get stuck... because I really do &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to write them a good review, they absolutely deserve it. And almost every time, I tell them &quot;sure!&quot; But the sad truth is... I absolutely never write the review. I don't think I've ever written a product review in my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've come to the realization that I will truly never write these reviews. Despite my good intentions, life (and habit) prevents me from ever dedicating time to something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I am also a person who values honesty. I don't like lying to these folks if I know it's a lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which brings us to the real issue... How should I respond to them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option A:&lt;/strong&gt; Lie to them. Passively agree to write a review, but never actually follow through with it. I don't see any of these people frequently enough to get called out on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option B:&lt;/strong&gt; Tell them flat out I won't do it. Apologize and let them know that I'm not a &quot;reviews&quot; kinda guy. The conversation could potentially get awkward after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems to happen fairly frequently these days... I'd love to figure out a good semi-prepared response. Thoughts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT (moved up from comments)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I appreciate everyone saying &quot;just do it, it's easy&quot;, that kinda misses the entire point. Regardless of how &quot;easy&quot; it is, I have many other factors in my life (work, family, hobbies, etc) that I'd rather dedicate that time towards. Plus the fact that I've never reviewed anything in my life (and therefore have no habit/pattern to build upon), and it's just painfully obvious that I won't be posting a review. So... &quot;just do it&quot; isn't really helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7169" LastEditorUserId="7169" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T16:30:05.030" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T16:30:05.030" Title="How to avoid writing Yelp reviews" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5307" CreationDate="2017-10-12T21:38:12.663" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be honest. Tell them something like &quot;I'm not really a social media kind of person.&quot; But sweeten the pill by adding that you will be sure to recommend them to family and friends—and then actually do that if the occasion arises.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a social media person, but I have over the years recommended various restaurants, contractors, etc. to people who are looking for such things. In almost all such cases the people I've spoken to have actually gone to (or at least contacted) the recommended service. I suspect there's a much higher &quot;success&quot; rate of personal testimonials than for (semi-)anonymous reviews, especially since I can reach folks who will never look at Yelp, where the restaurant/contractor/dealer presumably already has a bunch of other reviews and a bunch of direct competitors. And some of my friends and family &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; social-media types, so in the end the Yelp reviews do get out there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T21:38:12.663" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5306" CreationDate="2017-10-12T21:47:08.380" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;It kinda sounds like you're already enabling her. Trust me, I've been there and done all of the things you're describing in, sadly, more than one relationship...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for saying &quot;no&quot; and breaking the pattern, it's simple, but definitely not easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is to stick to your &quot;no&quot; and be consistent about it. The things you're saying &quot;no&quot; to, need to be things that you always say &quot;no&quot; to. If you're not ok with her smoking at your place, that needs to be a hard rule, if you already said &quot;no&quot; that's the answer, stick to it. Don't allow her to guilt you into changing your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also struggled with some pretty hard bouts of depression, and I can understand self medicating, but self medicating usually isn't a good long term solution. One of the side effects of daily/heavily smoking marijuana is the apathy you're seeing. I'm not a doctor or anything, but there's a difference between medical use and being stoned all day every day. It may help with pain and a lot of other issues, but it takes a heavy toll on someone's desire to get out and do things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dealing with people who show codependent traits is hard, usually they've been operating that way for a long time, so they've had a lot of practice at getting around people's boundaries. Take a hard look at whether you're up to the task of constantly having to uphold your boundaries, it's a lot of work...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience with these relationships it's gotten to the point of having to be prepared to leave the relationship to enforce my boundaries in nearly every case. Not trying to scare you, just saying that you probably want to be prepared for that because it often does, and probably will, come up. Either they'll threaten to leave you, or you'll have to threaten to leave them at some point because you had to tell them &quot;no&quot; one too many times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best advice would be to tell you to get out while you still can, but lots of people told me that when I was in these situations, and never listened either...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As much as it hurts and as much as you may want to, you can't &quot;fix&quot; people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T06:50:12.693" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T06:50:12.693" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T22:05:15.303" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it truly is a mocking tone, then I would be tempted to counter with a laugh and ask, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So if I weren't a black belt, it'd be okay to make me mad?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think often this isn't meant as mocking, though. It's meant as respect. A rough translation might be &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, I didn't realize you were so formidable!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you care to interpret it that way, then you can say something like, &quot;You'd be surprised at how unassuming some black belts are! You'd never be able to guess who is and who isn't just by looking!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7172" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T06:07:32.150" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T06:07:32.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5307" CreationDate="2017-10-12T22:08:14.140" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You already know what you have to do. Tell them the truth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, I tell them that if they don't see me write the review right in front of them in the establishment itself, that review won't get done. Now, I'm not saying you're like me, but I find this attitude quite liberating. I hate making small promises I can't keep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the same when someone tries to give me a business card. I do not accept the business card unless I already know I have a reason to follow up with that person. And if that's the case, I accept the business card and I write the reason for the follow-up and a date for it on the back of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you read the Getting Things Done book, the author describes those things as unfinished loops, although I am a bit hazy on the details since it's been a while since I read it, but I remember he had some insightful things to say about that topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T22:08:14.140" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-12T22:16:37.763" Score="0" Body="&lt;h3&gt;If you're confident that the person is trying to be offensive then you have a few options.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can respond directly to the comment with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Then stop making snide comments.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This clearly communicates that you didn't appreciate their tone. This can also backfire. If you misunderstood their intent then you will look like an over-sensitive jerk. If they really are trying to provoke you then this will encourage them to mock you further since you've shown you will rise to the bait. If they do that then the best option is to exit the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can ignore the comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person A: &quot;Oh I guess I better not make YOU mad. ooooohh! (head leaning back with fingers dancing in the air)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: (puzzled look on your face) &quot;You said earlier that ....&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This subtly communicates that the other person is being silly. It also signals that you'd like the conversation to move in a different direction. If the person was just trying to make a joke at worst you'll look like you don't have a sense of humor, and at best they'll realize you don't appreciate that kind of joke. The biggest downside is some people might not get the hint and keep trying to sell the joke or keep on being offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can treat it like a joke even though you're pretty sure they're trying to be offensive. Ideally the joke would include a redirect:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person A: &quot;Yeah you and all the other slobbering grobians!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: (in an excited tone) &quot;I didn't know all the other &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josh_Groban&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Josh Groban&lt;/a&gt; fans were into TKD!? I always felt a bit self conscious working out to his music, but he has the voice of an &lt;em&gt;angel&lt;/em&gt;!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, this works best if the person feels that they're superior to you in some way. That way you let them delude themselves that you were too ignorant to understand their insult, and you get to sting them back because they don't understand you're ribbing them back. I might be weird but I enjoy the symmetry and love the fact that it isn't a zero sum outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can move on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(At a house party) &quot;I think I heard my wife calling me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(At charity golf tourney) &quot;It's your shot.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can break away from the person politely then just do it. If you can't then focus on the activity at hand and redirect any further comments back to the task at hand. Essentially just treat them like a child that needs to be redirected continually to keep cleaning their room. Don't take their comments personally. Being able to maintain your composure under difficult circumstances is advantageous in all aspects of your life. Treat the rest of the encounter as a chance to practice this skill.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can mock them back like a toddler with one word:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person A: &quot;Oh I guess I better not make YOU mad. ooooohh! (head leaning back with fingers dancing in the air)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: (look surprised/alarmed) &quot;Why?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person A: &quot;Because you'll pummel me into a bloody pulp!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: (continue to look surprised/alarmed) &quot;Why?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person A: &quot;Because you're a kung fu fighter, fast as lightning, and a little bit frightening!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: (continue to look surprised/alarmed) &quot;Why?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Pattern repeats until they figure out what you're doing, they call you some sort of offensive name, and conversation ends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I included this because I have a playful personality, and would find the interaction humorous. Your mock angst would also highlight that you think they're being ridiculous. Based on your question I don't think this option is the best tack for you, since you seem to be more of a serious guy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course I could go on and on, but &lt;strong&gt;the strategies all boil down to one of three approaches. You either redirect, exit, or ignore the comment.&lt;/strong&gt; Option 1 redirects the conversation to the offensive nature of their comment. Option 2 ignores the comment. Option 3 redirects the conversation to another topic. Option 4 redirects to the task at hand or exits the situation. Option 5 redirects the conversation to another topic or exits the situation if they don't want to talk to you anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of the mechanism you employ your options are to redirect, exit, or ignore the comment. Overall I feel like redirecting is generally your best strategy, but each of the three strategies has their place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4125" LastActivityDate="2017-10-12T22:16:37.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-13T01:45:02.757" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;My son had a friend whose dad appeared to be coming onto me. I was embarassed but felt he was testing me and seeing how far he could go. I told my husband who told me not to have any interaction with the man. My husband only spoke to him. The man got the point. The next time I saw him, he asked after my husband. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel you have to set boundaries and prevent people from crossing them. If several men have had crushes on your wife, perhaps both of you should set boundaries. And if they cross the line, poke your finger in their chest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7177" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T01:45:02.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5314" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5320" CreationDate="2017-10-13T02:11:16.783" Score="4" ViewCount="670" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in the community library coding away on some c++11 &lt;code&gt;std::thread&lt;/code&gt; work when a library patron enters the quiet area asking to use someone's phone.  To his chagrin, he was met with head shakes (no). Those desiring some quiet time with their work offered an occasional &lt;em&gt;&quot;shhhh&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and one enterprising gent held up a library sign that read &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No Talking; No Phone Calls; Respect the space&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd been paying attention as I tried to focus on my work and the patron then inquired of me.  As we headed toward an open area of the library, I tried to subdue him by reminding this is a quiet area.  I produced my iPhone 6 Plus and indicated I will accompany him to place the call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the calls were complete, I returned to my work and was shortly notified by the patron that he would require the use of my phone again in about half an hour.  I tried to impart to him a need to keep his voice down and if he would kindly request of another because I needed to focus on my work.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometime later I felt bad about denying his second request and I didn't feel right; I felt as if once I had rendered assistance, there was no reason not to again and perhaps I was creating artificial constructs as barriers considering the initial help I gave was enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way to go about helping someone in this situation without feeling like I am becoming a phone booth or are there behaviors I should prefer to ease my conscience?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7178" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T17:00:36.590" Title="How do I best handle offering my phone upon request without becoming a phone booth" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5315" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5316" CreationDate="2017-10-13T05:03:27.237" Score="33" ViewCount="6989" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I should mention that this may be a cultural thing in Indonesia to broadcast or share &quot;helpful news/article&quot; in a group chat, or broadcast it to &lt;strong&gt;all&lt;/strong&gt; contacts in BBM (not group. Broadcast is the most horrible feature that made me flee from BBM). Usually they received a &quot;helpful&quot; article, then proceeded to forward it to various groups they're in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Today, Alice shared a news that a hospital has a breakthrough in cancer cure and want to help poor people. They just need to send their contact information and the cancer type to an email address. I was skeptic and research the news on the internet, which &lt;strong&gt;Google first page&lt;/strong&gt; easily determine that it's a hoax.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My usual response is replying in group &lt;em&gt;&quot;It's a hoax&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and just that. Back then there were far more shares which I instantly recognize as hoax, which I stayed silent, and I just recently started to reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Several weeks ago, Jane shared a news of a new traffic regulation, which I think is very helpful. But out of curiosity, I researched with only 3 keywords and found out it's a hoax that's been circulating for more than 5 years (with 1-line  modification to make it looks up-to-date).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After I replied in the group, I sent a message roughly like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I believe you send the news in good faith. I don't have anything personal. I just don't like &quot;chain message&quot; like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which she replied in mildly harsh tone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just want to share information. If you don't like it just don't read it. I think it's a good thing to share positive information. &lt;em&gt;If you think I was wrong, sorry.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;sub&gt;The last part is clearly not an apology (in Indonesian)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is not a close friend, but we are in the small circle of religious group (which is the chat for). We're in good terms (until today), but certainly my response has offended her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should I respond when someone shared a news/article which I can then prove it's a hoax?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, no one responded to shares (only those relevant to our activity are commented), and usually the group is free from chit-chat. No one responded to my disagreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to communicate to members that sharing is encouraged, but first filter out hoaxes from the group. I am &lt;strong&gt;just a member&lt;/strong&gt;. Contacting the group admin should only be a last resort, as I don't want this to be a rule. I want people to do themselves a favor, and educate themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very easy to recognize these type of suspicious broadcast. Someone with a common sense should be able to recognize suspicious clues immediately. However, it seems a lot of sharers just hit share button without even finish reading it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="3336" LastEditDate="2017-10-14T04:10:21.803" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T04:10:21.803" Title="How to respond to someone who broadcast hoax on a chat group in good faith?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;chatting&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5315" CreationDate="2017-10-13T05:53:19.557" Score="65" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to discourage someone sharing an article, but you want to point out that it's a hoax, you should:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start by saying something positive about the article or thank the person for sharing it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Express some regret (e.g. &quot;unfortunately&quot;) that it's a hoax&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Share a link providing evidence of it being a hoax&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(Optionally) point out what made you think it might be a hoax in the first place, if you want to try to educate them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's a fascinating article. Unfortunately, based on a quick search, it appears to be a hoax: {link}. An open invitation from a hospital seemed a bit suspicious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People sharing misleading or incorrect information is unfortunately a pretty widespread and severe problem in these social media days - single-handedly changing this even within your circle of friends could be really hard or impossible. Although don't let that dissuade you if you wish to preach to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T06:25:02.277" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T06:25:02.277" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5315" CreationDate="2017-10-13T05:53:59.430" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;This has actually been a pretty big problem in the US over the last few years... People see something they really like or really hate and share it. It happens so much that many people have trouble spotting &quot;fake news&quot; or hoaxes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my cousins majored in journalism in college, she got up on her &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soapbox&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;soapbox&lt;/a&gt; one night and spelled it out for the family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Facebook is not a news source, Twitter is not a news source. If that's where you get your news, I don't wanna hear about it. News comes from a &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newspaper_of_record&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Newspaper of record&lt;/a&gt;&quot; and even then, if you want to talk to me about it, you better have more than one source. I recommend using three. If you can find the same &quot;breaking&quot; news story in three different respectable newspapers of record, then it's real news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was a little stringent about it, but she had a valuable point. Many of us were guilty of finding news online that we wanted to be true, or that we wanted to be outraged about, or both...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking my cousin's approach I've definitely gotten much better at spotting biased reporting, fake news, and hoaxes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would suggest that you get up on your soapbox and give your friends a similar speech.&lt;/strong&gt; We live in some pretty messed up times, and unfortunately, people need to hear these things occasionally. It's not enough to tell people that it's a hoax, teach them how to spot the hoax on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T06:35:25.557" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T06:35:25.557" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5314" CreationDate="2017-10-13T06:42:56.197" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hate to sound this cynical, but.... Ya... That sounds more than a little suspicious. At least by US standards were nearly everyone has a cellphone, it's suspicious. To see if it's also suspicious to you, ask yourself a few questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What kind of emergency does someone have, or would even be aware of, at a library?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I know it's harsh, but without a phone, it's not as if this person just learned some tragic news that required an immediate response, right?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it isn't an emergency, why are they in a place that's meant to be silent causing such a stir about needing to use a phone?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it isn't an emergency, what is it really?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you want your phone tied to whatever else this person is up to?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like I said, I hate to be this cynical, but... Ya... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I probably think this way because I've lived in some pretty bad neighborhoods, and to be honest, I wasn't always such an honest person. Hustler 101 tends to be something along the lines of creating false urgency. Sales people do the same thing, &quot;Act now, while supplies last!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, chances are pretty good that this random stranger who desperately needed a phone, was hustling. They created false urgency to provoke a sympathetic response, in the hopes of gaining quick access to a phone. Which brings up more questions...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Why does this hustler not have a phone?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they have a phone, why don't they want to use it?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do I really want a hustler hustling on my phone?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, sorry for being cynical... But I think you probably see where I'm going with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that they didn't have a phone for... Um... &quot;Reasons&quot; or that they didn't want to make those calls on a phone that could be traced back to them. In either case the fact that they needed your phone again, precisely a half hour later, would suggest that they were doing &quot;business&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever that business may be... I'm pretty sure that you don't really want to be involved in it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T10:09:24.270" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T10:09:24.270" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5314" CreationDate="2017-10-13T06:47:07.477" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless it's an emergency, there's no need to give your phone, let alone a second time. They should approach someplace else or someone else than having to bother you again. It's strange they don't have their own phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, if they're expecting a call back to your number (which they should have informed earlier) then it's okay to let them answer it, and be done with it, than having to deal with a back and forth about &quot;no, I cannot give you the phone&quot;, &quot;why not? but you gave me earlier&quot; and so on. Do watch out for what they're talking about. You don't want to get tangled in some shady matters. And ask them to be quick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T10:02:29.760" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T10:02:29.760" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5274" CreationDate="2017-10-13T11:01:07.490" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience you only have to assert your feelings on this matter ONCE and then people will remember, so if you feel strongly about this it is definitely worth building up the courage and doing something about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to briefly share my experience, my wife and I did not want poor quality, awkward looking photographs being taken at our wedding and posted on social media, so we had an announcement made before the ceremony began stating our request. It didn't ruin any friendships, and two years later people STILL check with us before uploading any photo taken of us or our daughter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It shouldn't be a difficult conversation to have. Don't direct what you have to say at any one single person, make it clear this is your decision and it applies to everybody. Something like: &quot;I've become concerned recently about online photographs and I have decided I want to be more selective about what photographs of me are posted on social media. I'd like it to be my choice if and when a photo of me is shared publicly and so I'm asking everybody I know if they would respect this choice and remove any photographs of me from their own accounts. Would you do that for me please?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T11:01:07.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5323" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5247" CreationDate="2017-10-13T11:20:23.983" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't do martial arts, but I believe that a lot of the theory involves using an attacker's own momentum against them - is that right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, apply that here, in a non-physical way. If you feel that their comment is just a lighthearted response then just let it go. But if you feel that it is an attack, don't retaliate, but deflect it in a way that shows their response wasn't nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I better not get you mad then!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Why, is that something like you are likely to do?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I would hope that you wouldn't do that anyway.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't get mad, TKD teaches control.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I wouldn't use TKD against someone that made me mad. If you attacked me, that would be a different matter.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay so maybe some of those responses are a bit tongue in cheek, but you definitely don't want to say &quot;you wouldn't like me when I'm angry&quot;. What I'm driving at is that you don't want anyone to think that you would get mad - by responding in a way that shows you are extremely controlled, whereas the other person has kind of just threatened you in a roundabout way, you will hopefully come out on top.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T11:20:23.983" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5326" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5339" CreationDate="2017-10-13T11:46:45.680" Score="59" ViewCount="15348" Body="&lt;p&gt;My spouse is and has always been quite overweight. From the beginning it was no problem for me, I just don't mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet, since we've been living together, my spouse somehow put on a lot of weight (over the course of several years). Mostly because we are both connoisseurs of fine food and whenever we spend time together we tend to eat quite generously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it has come to a point where it is dangerous for my spouse's life in the long term, and even though we talked about it... I doubt she really listened to me. As far as I can tell, she thinks &quot;Yeah, yeah, I'm going to be more cautious, I will make sure not to put on more weight!&quot; and when I'm with her that's definitely what she does. Yet when we talk about what we eat when we're not together, I clearly understand that she is far less cautious without me. And even though she perhaps doesn't gain weight that's just one part of the problem... Losing some would be important for her health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I need to talk about this with her seriously, without being rude because that's not my goal. Problem is: she dismisses easily everything I tell her because &quot;she knows best&quot;. Which is true on some level, she knows exactly what to eat or not to, but doesn't apply her own advice. Even when I could point out some irregularity in her diet, I just can't say it without sounding rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is not to blame her for everything she eats, but merely to pinpoint some excess she does once in a while and which does not help her at all. All in all, my goal is to help her in the long run, because it has gone too far. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any idea on how to approach her about this problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2150" LastEditorUserId="2760" LastEditDate="2017-10-14T04:19:36.450" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T15:37:05.417" Title="How to approach my spouse about their weight gain?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;eating&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5315" CreationDate="2017-10-13T12:17:19.770" Score="5" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Question, then show and question, then state it plainly&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to make someone retract a statement if they themselves are made to examine it and then reach the conclusion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first: &lt;strong&gt;ask&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Are you sure about that one? I have some indications it may actually be a fake/hoax story.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the best of worlds, they will re-examine the story and find out that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Oh... yes, it seems it was a hoax. Sorry 'bout that.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That allows them to save face and even gain some credibility. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the less than best of worlds they will get defensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The story seems good enough to me!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you lead them to the information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Well, how about the information on &lt;a href=&quot;http://oops.this.news.is.fake.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this link&lt;/a&gt;? What is your opinion?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe now they will relent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not... you have given them not just one but two chances to remedy the misinformation. Then you state it plainly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am sorry, but the information you posted is unfortunately &lt;strong&gt;not true&lt;/strong&gt;. Here is what that page I linked before says:&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;The news-story about the thing is a fake story that has been circulating the internet for some while&quot;.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they now get defensive, then there is no need to try to accommodate them any more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any argument of the sort &quot;If you don't like it...&quot; gets turned back at them, &lt;strong&gt;because it applies to them too&lt;/strong&gt;. They cannot demand that you abide by it if they themselves are not willing to do the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I am personally of the opinion that &lt;strong&gt;truth&lt;/strong&gt; is an absolute defense in such a case. One should not be asked to suppress truth just to spare the hurt feelings of someone that felt like posting something false. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they cannot stand the heat... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4227" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T12:17:19.770" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-13T12:40:18.830" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Buy her a gift!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously though, I'm currently losing weight myself.  From what I get out of your question, your spouse is willing to work on her weight, but doesn't like you pointing out her food choices. &lt;strong&gt;So, working from the premise that she's willing to work on her weight, and you're just having a communication problem going on here:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First step: get a medical professional involved, a doctor may check things like whether your thyroid is malfunctioning (which may cause weight gain) and your eating habits. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the doctor gives your spouse the all clear (so no medical troubles that prevent her from losing weight), she has to do it herself. She also has to learn for herself that what goes in, must go out (don't eat more energy than you use). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a simple case of your spouse eating more than she uses, gift her with a FitBit. Maybe start wearing one yourself as well, as a sign of supportiveness (We're in this together). And be honest in keeping the eating diary, registering your weight and activities. Pay special head to portion sizes: A lot of good food is still 'bad' if you eat thrice the recommended daily amount! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That way, you don't have to point out her 'wrong choices' to her, she'll have to point them out to herself.&lt;/strong&gt; It is a great way to get an insight into all those times that you think 'I'll sin a little' and how those little sins add up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, communication like 'gently pointing out her mistakes without her getting offended' isn't going to work here. She has to come to her own realization that what she's doing is bad. No amount of communication from your side is going to get her to that point, so get her the FitBit and let her confront herself with her own bad choices. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing: You state that while your spouse is with you, she's careful about what she eats, but that she basically goes all out when you're not there. Might it be that you're being a little bit too overbearing on this? Maybe she feels embarrassed eating anything other than very healthy food in front of you because she's afraid you will start criticizing her choices. And then, when you're not there, she feels free to all out and thinks she deserves to do so... because she hasn't had anything 'nice' for ages because you're always around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This actually was a problem for me. When studying, I had housemates that were criticizing me for eating a portion of crisps when I had been out in the field digging all day (I was studying archaeology at the time). I can assure you I had burned the calories during the day, and the salt on them was a welcome addition to my diet on hot summer days. But, because they were so overbearing, I took to buying bags and eating on the way home from the grocery store, I started bringing candy to work because I couldn't eat a lollipop in peace... That was the point my eating habits escalated and I gained a lot of weight, and all because I couldn't enjoy a well-deserved sin in peace! I also started eating larger and larger portions, because I couldn't enjoy a snack in peace and I didn't want to risk feeling hungry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am currently working on getting my snacking and portion sizes back under control, and the FitBit is a miracle in achieving this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T12:40:18.830" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-13T12:49:04.223" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.shape.com/weight-loss/tips-plans/can-you-tell-someone-you-love-they-need-lose-weight&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;This article&lt;/a&gt; addresses exactly this problem. Since self-acceptance and fear of rejection are big parts of the problem of communicating about weight loss, it suggests to begin conveying the message that these people aren't wrong and are not being judged for being overweight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caryl Ehrlich, a weight-loss coach who helps people beat food addiction says that if you decide to tell someone they need to diet; there are tactful ways to take this step. &amp;quot;Instead of outwardly saying ‘you need to lose weight,' you could say ‘I love you just the way you are and I want you around for a long time for me and the kids, so you might want to eat in a healthier way.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't go about it the right way, Ehrlich says, it could have severe repercussions. &amp;quot;The recipient would be mortified that someone noticed they were overweight and the relationship would never ever be the same. That's when people go into the closet and become secret eaters,&amp;quot; she says.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It goes further suggesting some actions to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actions speak louder than words, says Judy Lederman, author of Joining the Thin Club: Tips for Toning Your Mind AFTER You've Trimmed Your Body (Three Rivers Press, 2007). &amp;quot;Unless you want to cause animosity, do NOT tell them with words,&amp;quot; Lederman says. &amp;quot;Instead, show the person you are concerned by taking them for nice, long walks, making them healthy meals, keeping junk food out of the house, and keeping healthy fruits and veggies readily available. You can also sign them up for a gym membership as a gift and do whatever it takes to get them into the gym, such as purchasing personal training sessions or massages.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to losing weight, doing sport can be as important as eating healthy food. What's more, realizing that her weight limits her in something (as in running, walking long distances, climbing or whatever) can give her a more effective motivation to lose weight than just improving her health in the abstract future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the last suggestion of signing her up in a  gym, it can or cannot be effective according to your spouse's character. (I could get annoyed, for instance.) Instead, doing sports together could be more effective and it would show her how supportive and participating you are. I think this would definitely overcome the possibility of a bad reaction from her, since it brings the two of you &amp;quot;on the same side&amp;quot; of facing the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T12:49:04.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5333" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-13T13:21:14.043" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T13:21:14.043" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T13:21:14.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5334" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-13T13:21:14.043" Score="0" Body="For situations where at least one of the involved parties is eating and/or food is an important factor for the question." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T14:17:02.460" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T14:17:02.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5335" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-13T13:31:26.517" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T13:31:26.517" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T13:31:26.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5336" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-13T13:31:26.517" Score="0" Body="For questions where the author is looking for a way achieve their goal. Such as to properly convey certain feelings or to inform someone about a problem." OwnerUserId="6037" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T16:23:15.613" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T16:23:15.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-13T14:39:25.090" Score="38" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Even when I could point out some irregularity in her diet, I just can't say it without sounding rude. ...All in all, my goal is to help her in the long run, because it has gone too far. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Decide what is more important to you, having her as a partner here and now, and enjoying that partnership, or making her unhappy, or ending the relationship. It seems to me that those are your real choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now, I need to talk about this with her seriously, without being rude... she dismisses easily everything I tell her because &quot;she knows best&quot;...but doesn't apply her own advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have your answer there: everything you say will be met in a way that doesn't help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People have vices. They don't tend to give up those vices unless the stakes are very high to their thinking or &lt;strong&gt;they want to change&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother was a 1 ppd smoker for all of her (shortish) life. All through my time at medical school, I tried to get her to stop smoking. When she asked me what I wanted for graduation from Med School, I answered that I wanted her to stop smoking. She said, &quot;No.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know why it took me so long, but I realized then that no matter how scary the stories I told her were, and no matter how long I wanted her to live, I was only succeeding in scaring her, making her unhappy, and making my visits with her unpleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I stopped bugging her about it then and there, and never mentioned it again. She died of cancer three years later. I am glad I didn't cause any further upset in the short time she had left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a medical student, we are taught to be proactive, to &lt;em&gt;prevent&lt;/em&gt; disease. But once out in the real world, one soon learns that &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; (not all) people don't want to prevent disease if it means doing something they don't want to do; they want a doctor to fix the problems that arise from their vices. This bothered me at first, but in due course, I came to understand it as human nature. We all have vices; they all affect our lives somehow, and unless we want to give them up, there's little we can do to force someone to comply with our wished when they are not truly &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; wishes. I recommend, I present the risks and benefits, the patient decides. It is their life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you need to make a decision to either live with it (and her), caring about her happiness more than her well-being (which you can't change) or walk away, deciding it's too painful to watch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited to add&lt;/strong&gt;: You can talk to her about her weight, just not in the way you ask (seriously, without being rude). If it is &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; her health you care about, the talk is more likely to be less offensive than if you talk about her losing weight for any other reason. But you can't control how she interprets your words, either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-10-14T16:28:27.440" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T16:28:27.440" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-13T14:45:10.270" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing you need to ask her is: &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Does she seriously want to lose weight?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. There are people who realize that they are overweight, but do not consider it an issue which is serious enough to change their lifestyle. That's their decision (and so is yours to leave your partner when you no longer feel physically attracted to them, but that's just by-the-way). When one is not committed to losing weight, then pressuring them towards a healthier lifestyle will be perceived as an uncalled for infraction on their lifestyle choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But when one is seriously committed to losing weight, then a supporting life partner can be a great asset and motivator. These are some things you can do to support your partner in their weight loss efforts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Help them research different weight loss concepts with their advantages, disadvantages and scientific validity.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Exercise with them. Insist on a regular exercise schedule. Having fixed appointments with an exercise partner makes one much less likely to skip scheduled exercise sessions, because one consciously needs to cancel with a sufficient excuse instead of just conveniently ignoring them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Call them out when they overeat, snack or break any other rules of their chosen weight loss concept.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Help them monitor and record their calorie intake and weight.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Provide praise when they do well. The intrinsic motivation of &quot;Hey, I lost 2 pounds this week&quot; is not nearly as powerful as the extrinsic motivation when someone tells you &quot;You lost two pounds this week, I am so proud of you&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Provide encouragement when they do badly. Many people abort a diet when they reach a plateau phase. Having someone who talks you out of that can prevent that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you should only do any of that when she has explicitly agreed to you doing that. If you do any of that without her explicit consent, then you will stress your relationship. Someone with a weak personality might bend to your will and start losing weight, but will certainly not be happy about it. Someone with a strong personality might defy you out of principle and gain even more weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1943" LastEditorUserId="1943" LastEditDate="2017-10-13T15:13:07.177" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T15:13:07.177" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5314" CreationDate="2017-10-13T15:46:03.563" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometime later I felt bad about denying his second request and I didn't feel right&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not listen to that feeling, what you did was exactly right!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Helping out once is all well and good, who knows what the situation is, a person may have forgotten the phone or it ran out of battery or something, but that doesn't obligate you to become their phone-servant. If I catch a ride with someone, doesn't make them my chauffeur. If someone buys me lunch when I forgot my wallet doesn't mean they'll buy all my food from now on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this person doesn't have a phone, clearly they managed without it thus far, and if they do have it, but it's unusable for whatever reason, it's their responsibility to fix it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line is: &lt;strong&gt;you owe this person nothing&lt;/strong&gt;, the fact that you helped them at all means you already went over and beyond the call of duty, most people wouldn't lend their phone to a total stranger&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T15:46:03.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5315" CreationDate="2017-10-13T15:52:32.570" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that you have four options&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Instruct them on how to self-correct their behavior.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past, when the person was receptive to learning and changing their behavior, I have been able to teach the person to research the validity of an article before sending it. You may teach them the characteristics of dubious articles, or teach them to check fact-checking websites, or to do as you did and google the keywords and learn the truth about the article before sending it. This will require some thought and effort on their part. I don't expect this to succeed in your case, but you can try it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Have them remove you from their communication list&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask the person to remove you from their contact list because you find their communication untrustworthy. This will likely offend her and lead to bad feelings, so I don't really suggest it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Filter all communication from that person&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can set up a filter that quietly discards all communication from this person. This will cause you to miss any relevant communications and may alienate you (or her) from the larger group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Continue to receive information, but ignore this type of email.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the least confrontational. You asked how you should respond. This is how I would suggest you respond. You cannot control what someone else does, you can only control yourself. Just quietly discard the dubious articles that she sends you. There is no benefit to proving that the articles are wrong. She probably feels that she is providing helpful information and feels good about herself. Allow her to continue and just change what you do with the communications.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the information is harmful to someone, obviously you should correct the information and protect the group from malicious information (even if she is not malicious, the information itself could be). But if it is just incorrect, let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="482" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T15:52:32.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5199" CreationDate="2017-10-13T16:20:56.827" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience (in the US) it's usually expected to open such right away.  People often want to see your pleased reaction.  If you are in doubt, give them the choice, like this...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I can't wait to open this!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then wait for them to come back with one of these (or variants thereof):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;So open it already!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Too bad, you have to wait, ha ha!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T16:20:56.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-13T17:51:45.323" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's an idea:&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Don't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not your body, it's hers. Women tend to gain weight and keep it more easily than men, especially as they get into their 30's, 40's and 50's. If she wants to work out more, eat better, and lose weight, support her in that decision by working with her to plan healthier meals and going with her to the gym, and if she doesn't, that's up to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't your call, spouse or not. Her body is hers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7202" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T17:51:45.323" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5344" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-10-13T18:17:31.907" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This tag is for questions about making requests to other people, be it about information, a favor, or a task. Don't use this tag for requests for the Interpersonal Skills site itself - post those on &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;meta&lt;/a&gt; instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-05-07T21:14:15.983" LastActivityDate="2020-05-07T21:14:15.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5345" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-10-13T18:17:31.907" Score="0" Body="This tag is for questions about making requests to other people, be it about information, a favor, or a task. Don't use this tag for requests for the Interpersonal Skills site itself - post those on meta instead." OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-05-07T21:14:15.983" LastActivityDate="2020-05-07T21:14:15.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5346" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-13T18:57:51.103" Score="6" ViewCount="313" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think everyone knows about this one: You are in a team, a good team with lots going on and lots getting done. But &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not everything&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The projects are challenging, you see the guys around you growing and giving it their best. It's not just work the casual conversation at the coffee machine is interesting and there is SO much to like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But still there are some regular little nasty tasks popping up that get ignored actively, until one victim sighs deeply and just does it. Again and again and...&#xA;Nothing big. Nothing challenging. Thankless little stupid stuff that still needs to be done. It is not laziness; big tasks requiring a lot of effort get to be picked up easily in this team. Mind you, doing those confers respect of course. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If everyone would pitch in that would be OK. But that is not happening. Doing it once, next time it keeps laying about like the dishes of yesterday. Or the day before. Setting an example, giving discreet nudges, saying it out loud... nothing gets them into the action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I tend to get really annoyed about this. And I know it shows. I really want to avoid that and I also want to keep it small.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how do I achieve a better balance and still keep it light and positive, and encouraging? I'm open to multiple approaches, having tried some already I'd really like some options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T07:03:21.110" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T07:03:21.110" Title="How can I motivate the group to participate in the annoying small chores?" Tags="&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5347" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5349" CreationDate="2017-10-13T19:36:11.617" Score="6" ViewCount="424" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Context&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe many people got into a situation where they were the only ones laughing in a large group. People usually start staring at the person, making the situation more awkward.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to avoid interruption of conversation, lecture, or some other verbal communication in cases where my laughing looked awkward? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;More context&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This usually happens when I am among my groupmates in university. The last time it happened others started laughing too, probably because of me. Then people pretended that nothing happened, though there was still a moment of awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What concerns me is the fact that I interrupted the conversation. I don't mind being stared at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3052" LastEditorUserId="3052" LastEditDate="2017-10-15T16:11:04.200" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T16:11:04.200" Title="How to prevent interruption of conversation in cases where I laughed when I really shouldn't?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5347" CreationDate="2017-10-13T19:50:36.620" Score="7" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Pretend like nothing happened.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will be awkward. No escaping that. I remember having laughed out a little too loud in school and caused everyone to stare at me, on many separate occasions. I was probably talking to my friends in the adjacent seats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have then quickly tried to pretend as if nothing happened. Then the teacher would either continue the class or would ask me to get up and she'd be like &amp;quot;what's so funny? share it with the class, so we can all laugh!&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In essence, I'd suggest pretending nothing happened. That's the quickest solution. Any effort to explain why you laughed would stall the original conversation from continuing its course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T19:50:36.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5346" CreationDate="2017-10-13T20:27:37.653" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Responsibility, and make the fulfilling/not-fulfilling of that Responsibility visible.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a list of small task A, B, and C.  Then tell John he is in charge of A, Juan he is in charge of B, and Jean he is in charge of C.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;helpful hint, don't present it as a chore, by saying &quot;you have to do A.&quot;  instead present it as a responsibility &quot;your in charge of A.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If specific people are responsible for specific things they are far far more likely to get done.  Make sure you hold a regularly scheduled meeting (say once a week, or daily if needed) were every person on the team has to tell every one else how they are doing with their responsibilities.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also split up the responsibility by day (jean does it Monday, john on Tuesday, etc. . )  instead of by job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you don't have authority to assign responsibility,&lt;/strong&gt; say your not the manager or your dealing with room mates, then your going to have to ask every one to agree to be responsible for different task/days.  In which case you will probably get at least 1 shirker.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you lack hiring/raise/bonus authority you have to get more creative about the incentives.  Say sharing ice cream at the end of the week with only those who fulfilled their responsibility.  But the principles are still the same.  Divvy up the responsibilities so every one knows what their job is and then make sure the fulfilling of those responsibilities has a benefit that is seen by every one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-10-13T20:27:37.653" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5352" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-14T03:38:40.073" Score="10" ViewCount="4449" Body="&lt;p&gt;I ran into this twice today with two different customers and it's a little strange to me. I almost thought it was just me being aspie and misreading the situation when it happened yesterday, but after today I'm pretty sure it was flirting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just don't quite get why a person would feel the need to flirt with someone who's already being paid fairly well to help them. Like it would almost make sense if we were negotiating a price or something, but that isn't the case here, and even then that's ethically questionable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty sure they weren't actually shooting for a date, the repeat offender told me that she was married. And I'm not a great looking guy, not hideous or anything, but definitely not someone who normally attracts an awful lot of that kind of attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, this wasn't a sexual harassment situation. Just light, mostly harmless, flirting. Standing a little too close, batting eyelashes, asking when I'd be working tomorrow sort of stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably relevant that I work for a religious non-profit organization. Flirting would generally be considered inappropriate in the environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess I'm at a bit of a loss as to why people would flirt in a customer service situation and a little clueless about how to respond. Thus far I've been trying to be friendly, but professional like I usually am. I'm not offended, or looking for a way to make them stop, more looking for some insight into why people do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... If you're someone who has flirted in customer service situations, or someone who still does, why do you do it? What's the goal there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-14T04:48:23.207" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T13:25:49.180" Title="Why do people flirt in customer service situations?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-27T06:57:07.407" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5352" CreationDate="2017-10-14T04:36:36.953" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;The very first comment got it right:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some people just enjoy flirting. That's probably the extent of it for some people. – &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/110/curiousdannii&quot;&gt;curiousdannii&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is simply a 'feel good' activity and apparently &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=flirting+feel+good+hormones&amp;amp;ie=utf-8&amp;amp;oe=utf-8&amp;amp;client=firefox-b&amp;amp;gfe_rd=cr&amp;amp;dcr=0&amp;amp;ei=y5ThWbjCJPHI8AfUzrD4Dg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;circulates certain feel-good hormones&lt;/a&gt; or something. It is also usually fairly harmless because the persons are not taking it very seriously anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/6243292/Meeting-pretty-women-makes-men-feel-good.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article in The Telegraph&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Meeting pretty women makes men feel good [...] Researchers found that just being in the presence of a pretty member of the opposite sex causes a temporary boost in levels of testosterone and cortisol – both hormones associated with alertness and wellbeing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can confirm this feeling, from men's point of view.&#xA;I have also seen this used as a business promoting tool in private sector hospitals in my hometown that actually employ attractive ladies as 'customer relation officers' simply because it gives a good feeling for middle-aged men and is considered 'good for business' -- as in, the power of suggestion tends to boost revenue in terms of pharmacy sales, optional laboratory tests etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is specifically customers flirting mildly with the attractive service person who is usually a woman, but it's considered 'good for business' as long as people remain within cultural limits of propreity. The customer usually does it as an unconscious response that makes them feel good and boosts their ego. The employee is well aware of the situation and can 'guide' them to spend more money by purchasing not strictly necessary goods and services. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your situation is just the reverse, but same logic I should assume, @apaul.&lt;/strong&gt; The women feel safe with you and the harmless romantic behavior may give them a good feeling; since both parties expect it to not lead anywhere it is a 'secure' situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may seem odd if you think 'what's the intent, what's to gain' but not if you see that the activity is its own reward and the mild pleasant 'feel good' kick and ego boost make people to repeat such activities. Some people get the same type of satisfaction not by flirting but by being consciously kind/ helpful/ charitable to others!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-14T06:11:45.720" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T06:11:45.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5274" CreationDate="2017-10-14T04:42:48.947" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't like when someone posts my photos in Internet too. But I think there's only one way to avoid it: don't take pictures with people who probably will post this out in Internet. But if your friends take pictures of only you, you can just ask them not to post them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6107" LastEditorUserId="6107" LastEditDate="2017-10-14T05:39:19.583" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T05:39:19.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-14T05:18:40.313" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I married my husband, he was overweight. Over the following few years I watched him gain 20+ kg.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Needless to say it worried me. I had nightmares of him becoming morbidly obese, of him dying early and not seeing any future children we had grow up. He didn't show any signs of noticing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided to focus on &lt;em&gt;our&lt;/em&gt; health. I needed to lose a bit of weight too. So I chose to start eating healthier and excercising more. I said things like &quot;I'm concerned about our health, I want to be healthier. I want to hike more&quot;. These things I chose to live by. But ultimately he needed to choose to change. Marriage is for the long haul, and I recognized that I needed to wait for him, and love him in the meantime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I realized 3 things:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;- This is about health. Focus on that.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;- Be an example by being healthy and focus on excercising more with your partner.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;- I can only change me. They ultimately need to choose to change themselves. Be patient&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was my strategy during the first 5 years of marriage. And then, one day he woke up and said to me: &quot;I'm tired of being fat&quot;. And I mentally threw a party but hid it and said &quot;we can excercise more and eat healthy&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, when he was motivated, he lost 15kg and we are both on the way to being the same weight we were when we got married. We celebrated our 8 years anniversary in June this year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I added another realisation:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;- They know they are fat. They see it in the mirror every day.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know why your partner isn't motivated. One day the penny just dropped with my husband, and I still don't know why. All I can suggest is to be patient, focus on health, encourage her, and love her for who she is in the meantime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T05:18:40.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5352" CreationDate="2017-10-14T07:17:53.147" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do what works.  I am a pretty good read with people.  With men, if I think it will garner me more expeditious response, then I will flirt if I think it will help.  Other times I might be a raging jerk, and often I am just normal.  It really depends on how I read it and typically I start with normal, as I need enough feedback to assess.  I am not bothered I do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have honed that skill over many years and my husband even finds it very interesting to observe my many personas when I am trying to &quot;get my way&quot; in a customer based situation.  I am never &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; hitting on someone, but some people do respond very well to some flirting, and if that person is that type, it can be very useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did not use this professionally as I just thought I'd likely get myself into a situation I did not want.  So I can turn it on and off really easily.  I also enjoy flirting and, as a married woman, I very seldom have any instance I'd find it appropriate to do that, other than this one.  I also flirt a lot with my husband.  When I was single I flirted &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T16:53:33.620" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T16:53:33.620" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5346" CreationDate="2017-10-14T07:25:39.327" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you can, make a chart that rotates who does what on what days.  Generally people are less irritated by doing menial things if it isn't the same thing all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also know, that sometimes, despite it not garnering respect, being willing to do certain things will garner you favor.  I was a salaried employee at decent level, and making great money when our cleaning lady had a massive accident outside of work.  We didn't have anyone temp yet and there was no one to go around and do the minimal things, like empty trash, scrub toilets, etc.  EVERYONE said &quot;not me&quot;, but me.  I said, &quot;Can I do it on my normal paid hours or will it be staying late?&quot;  I was given a super odd look (most others were hourly and would have gotten overtime for it) and then the owner grinned and said that if I was willing to step up, he would give me comp time, but it had to be after close.  So I did it.  In the end I got promoted.  It wasn't &lt;em&gt;because of&lt;/em&gt; that one thing, it was because I had an attitude of &quot;I can do that&quot;.  It's how I am.  If something needs to be done, I can scrub a toilet in my suit and heels.  I do it at home sometimes.  No big deal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So while it might not seem like there is any respect in some jobs (like scrubbing toilets) there &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; always be respect earned by the &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; you do such things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not suggesting you keep on doing what you do.  I have no idea what that is or if in your case it would be properly noticed and appreciated.  I am simply saying that not all things that feel &quot;beneath our potential&quot; are a waste of time and effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T07:25:39.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5360" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-14T15:12:07.200" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a person who has lost 35 kg (77lbs) In the last year-and-a-half I can tell you before a person has any chance to lose ANY and I do mean ANY weight he/she must first seek emotional counselling to get to the root of your overeating compulsion&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you both enjoy eating well, this sounds to me like you're and/or your partner have some sort of emotional connection with food. Maybe you see food as an escape from something bad or a reminder of something good. Just like a person cannot drink to forget their troubles, a person cannot eat to forget either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Now that you see that you have a problem how do we fix it?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that your partner being overweight never bothered you, I suspect it would be closer to the truth that it has bothered you, you where just willing to suffer it in silence for a period of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If really does not bother you, then I think it should, the problems of being overweight is not solely based on what is on the exterior, it has a far-reaching effect than just that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself have basically ruined my body through the years of obesity I put it through, some winter's mornings I wake up and my back is so stiff that I start wondering if this is the day my back is finally going to crack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My knees are shot, my ankles are constantly in a state of pain. No one should live like this. I came to the realisation that I would very much like a wife and a family one day, but the fact remains that if I continued down the track of self-destructiveness I was on I was going to die at age 40.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did not want that, and clearly, you don't want it for your partner either. So in a very caring and loving manner, you will have to raise your concerns with your partner&lt;/p&gt; &#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your partner has to realise that both of you are in this life together, his health issues do not just affect him, it affects the both of you. He has a responsibility to not just himself but to you as well, he cannot have such a cavalier attitude towards his health when he shares his life with other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember what the 12 step program says, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, if your partner is not able to do this then there is, unfortunately, going to be very little you can do for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3233" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T15:12:07.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-14T16:13:29.813" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;For me it was like this. I like my wife to be healthy skinny. I told her when we had a good conversation about each other. This at first made her feel very bad about her weight and I had to spend a lot of effort in making her know she was loved not dependend on any weight. (She got pregnant and gained more).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself used the be chubby as a teenager but gaining self confidence and learning that I control my weight made me able to lose my weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other people have great detailed answers let me sum up my broad advice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Eating might be a an subconscious stress reducer (stressing this person out about weight will thus have opposite effect). = Person needs to deal with stress first&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Person needs really know and believe that they control their weight and they can change it but eating and sporting. (It will help when they see it works they get even more motivated)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Person needs motivation: eg it can be you. But the strongest motivation ultimately will be internal: she will feel better after losing weight.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reduce distractions (have no candy in the house etc)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Professional help is great solution if the above and other answers don't work out&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastEditorUserId="4055" LastEditDate="2017-10-14T19:01:03.920" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T19:01:03.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5362" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-14T18:31:27.253" Score="4" ViewCount="6114" Body="&lt;p&gt;My coworker has been announcing that her birthday is coming soon. I work in a small office with only five employees. I like her but I don't want to wish her because I don't believe in birthdays. Never in my life I wished a person on their birthday, nor celebrated one (not even to my wife or children. Yeah, we exist!). Please tell me a way to avoid this awful situation. I am thinking of taking a day off on that day. Very dreadful!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7220" LastEditorUserId="7220" LastEditDate="2017-10-14T19:09:57.507" LastActivityDate="2019-10-23T11:00:47.297" Title="How to avoid wishing my coworker on her birthday?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-10-16T07:45:20.060" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-14T18:42:42.393" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps, she feels overwhelmed or demotivated by the problem. It is tough to restrain yourself all the time. It also draws attention to the very thing you are trying to get away from. And requires a lot of commitment over an extended period of time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my suggestion would be to change the tactic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Can you lead by example? Is there something that’s been on your to do list for eternity and you never had the discipline to actually do it? It doesn’t have to be weight or even exercising related. Perhaps you’ve always talked about learning a new language. Or picking up programming. Whatever. Something that would require comparable dedication from you. Start that. Stop talking about her eating. You don’t even necessarily need to explicitly draw the parallel for her. Just let her see. It may be just the inspiration she needs. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Can you change how you are doing the things currently? For example, stop eating fine food. Both of you. It’s tough, of course, but dieting and fine food rarely go hand in hand and you need consistency for this to be successful. Can you get a personal trainer? This can make the gym feel more exciting and fun. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I am recommending the above strategies is that I had a somewhat similar experience with sports. I’ve never been overweight, but until a few years ago exercised way less than I should have (which in the end resulted in me having back problems etc). Anyway, growing up, I was always told I should exercise, and my parents even enrolled me in all sorts of sport clubs regularly. However, I always sucked in sports and they themselves never exercised, so I hated the whole pursuit from the bottom of my heart. That continued until I met my husband. He never said anything to me about exercising, but he loves sports and does it all the time. So seeing someone actually enjoy it and do it consistently gave me a huge boost of motivation. Then later I decided to try a personal trainer, and that’s when I fell in love with working out. Turns out my fundamental problem is that I don’t get movements by seeing them - I need someone to explain the logic behind and I need constant challenge/upgrade in routines - neither of which is available in regular group exercising sessions and hard to achieve on your own as a novice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7223" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T18:42:42.393" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5365" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5362" CreationDate="2017-10-14T19:05:55.877" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't believe in birthdays, or in celebrating them? Hard to deny this person was born? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jehovah's Witnesses also don't celebrate birthdays because they think only God is worth celebrating. I used to know one. He just told me best way is to tell this person you don't want to celebrate because of what you believe. This is as polite as it can get in your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise if you think it is silly, but you don't mind a celebration be polite and say happy birthday anyways. (You don't say it for yourself but for the other person.) Doing it does not mean you believe in it. (Christmas, Santa Claus: No parent believes it but does it anyway.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastEditorUserId="7245" LastEditDate="2017-10-15T05:05:20.223" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T05:05:20.223" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5362" CreationDate="2017-10-14T19:11:22.533" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the only thing you can do here is 'be polite'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your co-worker is that excited about her birthday, she obviously attaches more value to it than you do. That's okay, people are all allowed their own 'opinions'. So, just like it's your right to 'not believe in birthdays', it's your co-worker's right to be super-excited about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't mean you're required to congratulate her. If you can think of a reason that sounds a little bit plausible at all for not doing so, feel free to tell her. The fact that you're thinking about taking a day off, however, makes me think this is more a matter of firm principles than solid reasoning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily for you, the human mind is a funny thing. This means you can be polite to her without explicitly wishing her a happy birthday or congratulating her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they mention &quot;today is my birthday&quot;, you could say: &quot;Have a nice day&quot;. Because of how the human mind works, the person in question thinks that implies wishing them a nice birthday, while in fact, it did no such thing at all! It just tells them to have a regular nice day, which could be done on other days as well. But because they are so full off 'It's my birthday', they will think that it's a way of wishing them a nice birthday. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a way of remaining polite, although it's bordering on your principles of 'not believing in birthdays'. But really, are you going to spend 5 of your hard-earned vacation days just because you can't spend 20 seconds of being polite? You don't even have to mean it, just make sure you sound convincing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T19:11:22.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5367" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-14T19:33:27.650" Score="11" ViewCount="4745" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been working for a company for more than five years. It is a fairly small company with less than ten employees. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, I overheard one of my colleagues discussing about a surprise party they are going to throw on my birthday. I really felt honored and it made me proud to work for such a company which wants to make my day special. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BUT I am a big disbeliever of celebrating birthdays (Do not ask me why) and I do not want my birthday celebrated anywhere. Neither I want someone wishing me on my birthday. Having said all that, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;how do I politely tell the management to avoid party of any kind on my birthday?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7222" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-15T10:14:06.127" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T09:00:13.477" Title="How to politely turn down my surprise birthday celebration at work?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5367" CreationDate="2017-10-14T19:44:17.197" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, can we talk? I might have overheard you were throwing a surprise party. Can you do me a favor and not organize one. I don't believe in birthdays for this and this reason. Thanks. (Polite and to the point) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or at lunch start a conversation like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you know, I think this and this about birthdays, because this and this. What do you guys think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-14T19:49:05.887" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T19:49:05.887" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5367" CreationDate="2017-10-14T19:48:14.480" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seems like people hasn't known about your belief before. If they had known before, they will respect you by leaving you alone that day (well, perhaps with extra, but subtle, kindness, although they won't mention it because your birthday).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make your (dis)belief in birthdays known before the date.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try directly approaching one of the organizer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, guys, xx is what you call 'my birthday'. Just for your information, I don't believe in birthdays and don't celebrate any, so please do not congratulate me or throw any party for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can choose to mention you've known about the surprise party, and thanking them for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt; Make your disbelief in birthday known to those in your circle(s), if you do not wish to be congratulated on that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If by any chance your birthday is already too close to cancel the surprise party, try to offer to delay (or fasten) the party, so it's not a birthday party, but just a regular party. Choose between appreciating their preparation, or your principle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only ask you to consider that they've going so far to prepare a party for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-14T21:05:47.997" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T21:05:47.997" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5371" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5362" CreationDate="2017-10-14T20:02:58.417" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think we need to understand a little better what the problem is.  Is it that you don't want to say anything birthday related?  Are you afraid there's going to be a party and you mustn't go?  Is signing a birthday card off limits too?  Depending on what your office's custom is, there might be quite a bit to dodge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ... could ... take the day off.  There are 4 other people in the office, so that's gwine eat into your vacation allowance pretty quick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hmm.  I wonder if it wouldn't be better to go in to work.  Be extra nice to the lady -- 'Swounds man, that can't hurt much, can it?  Say as much as you honorably can.  Can you get so far as &quot;Congratulations&quot; or &quot;Big day, eh&quot;?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you will have to talk to her.  Why?  Because in most of the US, ignoring someone's birthday can be seen as a snub -- especially if the office is doing card, party, etc.  Just tell her that the custom of your family is that birthdays are not celebrated, but you are all about wishing her well in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know this is going to come up again with the other folks in the office, yes?&#xA;Just smile and get through it, one co-worker at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T20:02:58.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5306" CreationDate="2017-10-14T23:23:04.270" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before I say anything else,  I will say this one more time: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You should probably get some kind of advice from a professional&lt;/strong&gt;. This is really early in your relationship and I'm glad you didn't wait too long to ask this question or to act. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how you do it: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say &quot;no&quot;, when you think you should say &quot;no&quot;. But when you do, you have to be ready to stick with it. You can't change your mind. Next time, for example, your girlfriend asks you for money in order to buy herself marijuana, you refuse (assuming this is one of your concerns).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have decided that I will not give you money for the marijuana&#xA;  anymore. I do not think self-medicating is helping you deal with what&#xA;  is causing you depression. Rather it seems to be an escape. I'm sorry for having done this in the past,&#xA;  but I want you to know that I will not be doing this from now on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean that I am not here for you. I will still be&#xA;  supportive and encouraging towards you as far as continuing with your&#xA;  therapy is concerned and I'm also considering seeking advice so I know how&#xA;  to properly help you. Because I don't want to pretend I understand&#xA;  exactly what you have gone through or are going through, I need to&#xA;  talk to a professional so I can understand all of this better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Has she opened up to you at all about what has happened to her in the past? About her family? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And if she has, does talking about things help her at all? Does she feel better or worse? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have you asked her if her therapist seems to be helping her? Perhaps she hasn't found the right therapist match for her yet (I don't know how long she's been seeing the therapist for). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does her therapist allow joint sessions? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are all things you should probably find out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep in mind that if she isn't ready/willing to help herself (open up in therapy and/or you), there isn't much you can do.&lt;/strong&gt; You can be patient until your patience runs out. It is too early in the relationship to know what the outcome might be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, motivate her by finding activities that you either could do together or that she would enjoy doing by herself which will allow her to be creative and that will distract her from the not so healthy behaviors. Find out more about that. There could be some inexpensive classes she could take about a subject of interest. Good luck. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-10-14T23:23:04.270" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5375" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5362" CreationDate="2017-10-15T01:42:30.630" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of things for you to pick and choose from. Let's begin with: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I like her&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The choice that I would ask you to make is this....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is your hard-line take against not celebrating birthdays more important than the person you think you &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt;? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Will going out of your way offend you badly enough if you wished her on her birthday? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you answer these questions with &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;yeses&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;, then by all means, don't say a word to that colleague on her birthday. But then, the trade-off you get is that, there's no polite way to express your train of antagonist thoughts (which have ingrained in you over the years) against an &lt;em&gt;event&lt;/em&gt; to a person you've only known for a few months or so (I assume?), and that too on the day of the said event which is visibly something she likes to acknowledge. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't endorse manipulation and so I don't know what else you could say, or how you'd pretend that you don't remember, when you happen to make an eye contact with her on that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I work in a small office with only five employees. [...].  I am thinking of taking a day off on that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not sure if you'd be doing yourself a favor with that idea. What if you happen to receive a call from her on that day, even for some official reason? What if you and her come face to face in a supermarket on that day? Also, what if you had about 40 people in your team, instead of 5, and had good relations with everyone? How many times would you avoid a similar situation by taking a leave whenever it's someone's birthday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, to turn the argument on its head, let's just consider a thought for further deliberation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If someone's birthday isn't a &lt;em&gt;special&lt;/em&gt; day (for them), then one could pursue the same line of thinking to even propose that no day is unusually special. And so, there's no need to even wish &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hello&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; / &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Good Morning&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; / &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Good Evening&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; / &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bye&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;,  to others either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, one could do that. No one would stop them. However, you might ask yourself... What impression would you gradually develop about one such person if they were working in your office? And what cumulative effect it will eventually have on &lt;em&gt;your rapport&lt;/em&gt; with them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, effectively, it's up to you to see which one of these would come across as a better thing to do: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Getting into the complications of avoiding a situation? (&lt;em&gt;Think long term&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Risk denting the rapport with a colleague that you like? (&lt;em&gt;Consider a handful of people&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or politely wishing, &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Happy Birthday! Hope you have a pleasant day ahead!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; (just like &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Good Morning&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;) and moving on with your day without parting ways with &lt;em&gt;your beliefs&lt;/em&gt; in &lt;em&gt;your realms&lt;/em&gt; (i.e. yourself and family)?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5377" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T01:42:30.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5367" CreationDate="2017-10-15T01:48:34.097" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would talk politely and candidly with the organizers. Express that you are honored, but, for personal reasons you would rather not discuss, you prefer to observe your own birthday as a purely private matter. You might say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would rather not observe my birthday here. I love working here and I respect my teammates and I am honored that you wish to observe my birthday. But, really, I would rather not, for deep-seated personal reasons. Thank you for understanding. This means a lot to me. In fact, maybe the best birthday gift you can give me is to disregard my birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;=)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. I feel much the same way about my own birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7239" LastEditorUserId="3708" LastEditDate="2017-10-15T05:46:42.650" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T05:46:42.650" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5367" CreationDate="2017-10-15T01:55:05.480" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You know what I'm someone like you who doesn't believe in birthdays, so I generally deactivate my social accounts a day before but since in your case your colleagues already have it coming, you could tell them that you'd be taking a leave on your b'day since you have planned a picnic with your closed ones,that way,there will be no surprise party surprising you, rather you could surprise them by visiting your office quoting &quot;Hey pals,yea my friend got really sick, we had to cancel our trip to this place..&quot; that way there will be no party and worst case you'd have to treat them in the lunch break and thats normal (hey it's once a year so why not)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7241" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-10-15T04:41:12.867" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T04:41:12.867" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5379" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5352" CreationDate="2017-10-15T02:05:41.603" Score="-2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot; ... more looking for some insight into why people do this.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had this happen alone with someone, with other people, and in front of the person's boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I don't ask and it discontinues shortly after starting (perhaps I misread, but I think not) and other times it continues to the point where it is clear and I answer the question directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In instances where I expressed an interest and then they denied doing it and in instances where they displayed such behavior in front of their boyfriend one of us has further inquired or just ignored as best we could.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you &lt;em&gt;drag&lt;/em&gt; the answer out of them it has always been that &quot;they don't know why they did that&quot;. If you don't let it go far enough there's a denial of doing it, being more insistent and providing examples simply leads to the same &quot;I don't know&quot; answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll give you a &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; brief list of inexplicable behavior: invitation (and repeated insistence) for me to feel her clothing (while in the arms of her boyfriend), coming out of the shower with only a towel (after other incidents) and smiling at me while ignoring her boyfriend, crawling on the floor like an exotic dancer (at my feet, in front of her boyfriend), those sort of &lt;em&gt;inexplicable&lt;/em&gt; things (answer being they don't know they are doing it, or they don't know why they did it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my answer to you is that it is simply something that some women do semiconsciously, an automatic reaction; a do this and everything will be OK situation - because they &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; (quite often) do that and look what it's got them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any woman who does that is not someone that I would want to date or to explain to children we might have &quot;your mom is simply nasty&quot;. I presume it is something that they learned and practiced, now it's second nature - you are not awful thus good enough (say your 'Lounge Lizard Line').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the other age groups: Most grown men don't do that, teenage guys do it to check their luck. Teenage girls don't do that unless they like you (or are at the start of learning to be non-particular as an adult woman), and women nearing 30-something (varies) don't do it unless there's a good sign it will be reciprocated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen women with two baby carriages and even 7+ months pregnant women flirt, don't ask me what they're thinking and I've never inquired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T02:05:41.603" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5306" CreationDate="2017-10-15T04:12:25.020" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you are dealing with this well. You can use the Internet to find free crisis counseling for yourself and ask some questions of a professional without being the one who is in need of direct help. Try to scout out one that doesn't seem busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Instead, she turns the issue on its head and insists that I am harming the relationship by not being what she needs.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We hope she means well and has simply poorly explained that you have not explained your position well. Be a leader and a leaning post not a stepping stone and a follower - you don't want to have increased difficulties due to her troubles (poorer and possibly evicted) but instead to be supportive without being a support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you are dealing with this well, be confident that your caring and fair decisions are correct; are you transferring lack of confidence or doubt, assure her you mean the best for her - don't be guilted into doing things that you think will make things worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find something happy and distracting you can do together, see a movie she wants to see, a walk in the park or on the beach, go to dinner ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T04:12:25.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5382" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5383" CreationDate="2017-10-15T05:02:45.110" Score="5" ViewCount="509" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been put in a situation where I am quite sure that I am right, and customer service for a country-leading webshop are most likely wrong. How do I tell them that they are wrong without offending anyone or implying that they are bad at their job?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The backstory: &#xA;I am part of a community of hardware enthusiasts who watched a release of a series of products. Almost no information whatsoever was given out about the release in in advance, but through the community I managed to get the point in time where the release was going to happen, and order within seconds of the product page appearing on one of the biggest webshops in my country. An order confirmation was sent out to my email account 2minutes after release. This was just over a week ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was not fast enough to take part of the original stock. And availability is so bad that the webshop did not have and thus give out any information about when the next re-stocks would happen. Just that they might get a handfull of small deliveries until january, and that the people who ordered early will get their packages sent in the order of their ordernumber(corresponding to the time they placed their order). Being sure of the timing of my order being good, I called customer service and asked them if the fact that my order was pay on delivery and picked up at a store of their close to where I live would mean I would have a place in the queue with everyone else, I was assured that I would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On friday, a small delivery was made and many of the enthusiasts in the community expressed their joy over having their packages send. The status on my order did not change, making me think their new batch is sent and im not part of the lucky few. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After asking the other people in the community at what time they placed their order, many of them had ordered several minutes later than me, and gotten order confirmations almost 10minutes later than me. I asked customer service about this and got the reply that the placement of the order did not necessarily correspond perfectly with the sending of the order confirmation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I started asking the others about their order numbers, and while one of them had a lower ordernumber than me, the rest of them did not. I vented my frustration at my situation and one person contacted me telling me he is in the exact same situation as me, and that he has the same circumstances in his order(&quot;pay on delivery and picked up at a store of their close to where I live&quot;). After asking around, it appeared that none of the ones who had their packages sent had that choice in their order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lead me to feel that I had confirmed my suspicions regarding pay on delivery and picking up at the store. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After getting this information, I wrong a long email with all my findings and asking them how they can compensate me for this error, although the damage has already been made. After reading through the email I deleted it, thinking it just seemed rude and arrogant, and thinking &quot;If I got this email as customer service, I would not feel happy to help this person&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I achieve this? How should I formulate my disappointment and tell them how their own process is wrong without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5572" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T08:34:21.500" Title="How to explain to customer service they are wrong without being rude" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;service-personnel&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-10-16T07:41:20.997" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5383" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5382" CreationDate="2017-10-15T05:32:56.853" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that whoever reads your message likely has no control whatsoever of how products are distributed, priced, or... well... anything really. They just work the customer service desk and it probably sucks for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be blunt, the first person you deal with probably can't help you even if they wanted to, so your goal is probably to talk to that person's boss. If the boss can't help, you probably want their boss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But sadly chances are pretty good that you're just going to have to be patient. If it's a large organization moving a lot of product, you're just a drop in the bucket for them, particularly if they're selling out before the product has even been released. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even more so, if you're an individual and they're accustomed to dealing with retailers who buy in bulk. I know it's bad business, but they're going to prioritize the person buying 100, 50, or even just 2 over someone who's buying 1 on a cash on delivery. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I know it's not right, or fair, but business is rarely if ever right or fair.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although, having spent way too much time working in customer service... Sometimes the squeeky wheel gets greased... It's a crappy way to treat people, certainly not a sign of good Interpersonal Skills, but often those that make a lot of noise get what they want, just so they go away. &lt;strong&gt;Please don't be that person unless you absolutely have to.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T05:32:56.853" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2017-10-15T06:48:54.533" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in the exact position and now am happily married with her. As extrovert as I look I need introvert time to relax and gain energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like other answers say: telling her you need time for yourself and be positive about it will make the other person aware you need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Early in a relationship this might be hard. You can: Plan Meetup with a friend so you have a good excuse to get out of the house and afterwards you can go home and go your thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure though games are always the means to the end of relaxing. Not the goal in itself. If you bust yourself thinking about games all the time your with her you should consider finding another way to spend alone time. (Might be a no brainer, but anyways good to keep in mind.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still play games from time to time because I really like it, but often afterwards it's a mental struggle to fight of the addictiveness to finish the whole game at once/ASAP (like bench watching watching series).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T06:48:54.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5385" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-15T07:18:02.417" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have a good relationship and communication, so be clear about the intention, and don't &quot;box them in&quot;. This is what I would be guided by and how I'd approach it, but you know your spouse best, so change whatever works for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't spring surprises&lt;/strong&gt;. You want a serious chat not &quot;we talked anyhow last week and I gotta go&quot;. And when you start, ask &quot;is it okay'&quot; again. You want their open agreement .&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Ive got something on my mind that needs a careful chat. Nothing bad or worrying, just some 'us' stuff thats been on my mind a bit.  It could take a while. When do you reckon's a good time?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Acknowledge where your spouse is at, and that this isn't new, when you broach it. Be clear its your spouses body not yours, and while you feel a need to talk, you do know it can only be their choice&lt;/strong&gt;. But you need them to know what you feel, and to discuss and reach agreement, so you don't nag in future. Also so if it isn't important to them, they can say that honestly and agree what's best going forward, and if it is, they can say that honestly, too. &lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I know we've talked about this a lot, and I know its ultimately your decision not mine. But its on my mind a lot and I need to know where we are, so I don't worry or nag unnecessarily and so if you want any kind of help from me, you can know it'll be there. Mainly I don't want to be torn between worry that I can't say, and worry that one day I'll find I should have said it, and it'll be too late, or find we have a subject neither of us feel able to talk about when we need to.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I have no idea if I've been pushy on this or okay with it, so this isn't about being pushy. Its about saying, I love you and I worry, and I don't know what's right to do or what you really want and feel about it. I don't want to be living with that worry all the time, or wondering if it'll cost us and how many years together it might cost us in the end, if its avoidable. So I figured perhaps its worth really discussing it, so I can know what's what and do whatever's right.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T15:37:05.417" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T15:37:05.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5362" CreationDate="2017-10-15T07:58:14.813" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;How can you not believe in birthdays? People clearly are born. This has always been true of people, and will likely be true for some time into the future. Birthdays are literally a fact of existence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't believe in &lt;strong&gt;celebrating&lt;/strong&gt; birthdays, I suppose that is another matter. I personally feel that is unfortunate, but I won't begrudge you whatever your belief is, as long as it doesn't proactively harm other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However; try to consider what you're really saying, here. The fundamental thing that we're talking about is whether to wish this woman happiness on a day that happens to be her birthday. It clearly, objectively, &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; her birthday, since it is the same calendar date as the day she was born. The earth is in the same position relative to the sun. It's the anniversary of her birth. This is simple objective, irrefutable fact. Do you wish her to be &lt;em&gt;unhappy&lt;/em&gt; on this day? If she happens to enjoy some happiness on her birthday, are you going to resent her for it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aren't opposed to people being happy, why not just say the words?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7249" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T07:58:14.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5382" CreationDate="2017-10-15T08:34:21.500" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I think you can send the whole email, maybe after slightly editing it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the most you will get is a caveat in the small print, &lt;em&gt;that possibly is already there.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously you now know more about product delivery timing than the average customer service guy working for that shop. A large shop is organised around legacy process firmed up with modern patches. You, having a physical shop and actual real money in the loop have, without realising, consigned yourself to the legacy. And it apparently is last millennium slow, as it always was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You brethren that ordered fully digital are in the separate, distinct &lt;em&gt;and faster&lt;/em&gt; fresh patch in the woods. They got slower response but the were patched in directly into the fast track and got provided ahead of your lumbering legacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why? Why!!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Well, for the shop this all makes perfect sense. They got that legacy, it will be replaced Real Soon Now just like last year. In the mean time they make the best of it. And need to provide fast service as the world, and their competitors got faster real fast all around them. And &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; is all in the fresh patch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;What you really need to do is ask customer service which option will get you fastest delivery, and you can tell them what it is not by using your slightly edited text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because, just maybe paying in Bitcoin will get you ahead in the online crowd, next time around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T08:34:21.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5388" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5390" CreationDate="2017-10-15T09:32:53.773" Score="21" ViewCount="10573" Body="&lt;p&gt;Related &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3884/how-to-communicate-to-someone-at-work-that-they-are-overstepping-boundaries&quot;&gt;How to communicate to someone at work that they are overstepping boundaries&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happened recently to a girlfriend, Mary, at work. Mary works as a cashier for a large department store that carries expensive clothes. &#xA;At some point, during her shift, she notices the floor manager, Nina, talking to a customer whom she had happened to take care of in the past, pointing at her. They then approach together, and Nina asks Mary to take care of him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were other cashiers available but for obvious reasons the customer wanted my friend to &quot;take care of him&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mary processes the customer's purchases and upon finishing, the customer leaves her his card, smiles and says &quot;call me&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mary got really annoyed and upset not only with the customer (she thought this was completely inappropriate regardless of her being in a relationship) but also with her manager, Nina. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She remained upset the entire time but didn't say anything. During a short break, Nina approached her and asked her if she was upset. Mary shook her head, and said nothing, though she was clearly affected by what had happened. She was afraid to put herself in a position to be laid off, were she to cause trouble by talking to Nina's supervisor about it and making this a bigger deal (?). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mary ONLY works the register. She ONLY processes purchases. It's not that she was going to do something different than the other women who also work the register. It's not that she had helped the customer for an hour to choose a suit or something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though the customer most likely didn't tell Nina he was going to ask Mary to call him, common sense tells both Mary and me,  that he wanted the opportunity to talk to Mary and unless Nina is completely clueless, she should have had more tact. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She asked me what I'd have done and I told her I would have talked to the store manager regardless but Mary didn't want to involve them. I, nevertheless, agreed that what Nina had done wasn't right. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could Mary have politely communicated to Nina that what Nina had done was inappropriate and unprofessional when asked &quot;Did you get upset?&quot; and ask that she doesn't do that again?&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="56" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T16:42:56.940" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T16:42:56.940" Title="How to politely communicate to your manager that what they did upset you and ask that it doesn't happen again?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5362" CreationDate="2017-10-15T09:37:38.833" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Birthdays are not something you can believe in or not. They are a matter of fact. A person is born, and once a year this day repeats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can chose to practice or &quot;believe in&quot; is &lt;em&gt;celebrating&lt;/em&gt; that occasion. Its perfectly fine not to &lt;em&gt;celebrate&lt;/em&gt; certain things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not celebrate Jewish holidays, nor Muslim ones (nor many, many others, e.g. July 4th, its not my country). Its not my own religion, after all. But I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; wish the people in my circle that &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; celebrate them all the best on this day and a happy celebration. Because it is the polite thing to do and acknowledges &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; beliefs, without diminishing my own beliefs. That is what a tolerant society is about - letting everyone be as they wish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, it would be impolite of you &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to acknowledge that this &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a special day for your co-worker, and that &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; think it is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind, keep your wishes focused not on the aspect of it being a birthday, but on the fact that they have a nice day - that you want them to be happy on a day that is special &lt;em&gt;to them&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have a pleasant day!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have a great party!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both things are just common courtesy. If someone has a party for &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; reason, its polite to wish them to have fun. It doesn't say anything about whether you believe in or support the cause or not. Same with wishing them a nice day. Could be done on every other occasion as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, you need to take a step back and focus on what you want. Is 20 seconds of politeness - regardless of cause - really worth being so stressed about? Really worth a whole vacation day? There is more important stuff to worry about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, when your &lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; birthday comes around, its perfectly reasonable to tell people you do not wish to be congratulated on it and that you do not celebrate your own birthday in any way (if they even know about it, if you do not tell them about it, they might not even know). I would expect that they extend the same courtesy you show them (being polite) back to you and also respect your beliefs when the time comes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2020" LastEditorUserId="2020" LastEditDate="2019-10-23T11:00:47.297" LastActivityDate="2019-10-23T11:00:47.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5388" CreationDate="2017-10-15T10:17:00.537" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, this male was talking to Nina first, and pointing at Mary. This sounds very much like the male might have asked Nina if it was okay to make a move on Mary. Which is (in my opinion) a good thing, he's a polite man and didn't want to offend Mary/ do anything rude. Nina brought him over, and at the end of the ride, he offers Mary a card and asks her to 'call him'. I'm assuming that's it, that he didn't wait or push Mary for a reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, as a female and ex-retail worker, feel a certain amount of respect for this guy. He was polite, subtle and at the same time had the balls to ask Mary in a respectable way 'would you like to get to know me better? I certainly would like to get to know you better', gave the choice completely to Mary and left it at that. Trust me, I've been through worse when working retail (Hey honey, wanna have sex tonight?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, as MichaelKarnerfors rightly pointed out in the comments, &lt;strong&gt;no matter what I think of the guy's behavior, this doesn't mean that Mary had no right to be upset.&lt;/strong&gt; Mary might well have found her boundaries violated by such behavior or found the behavior completely unacceptable for a workplace. The two paragraphs above are just from personal experience and to share my thought on the subject, and &lt;strong&gt;to provide with some insight into how I'm thinking and some background to this answer.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could Mary have politely communicated to Nina that what Nina had done was inappropriate and unprofessional when asked &amp;quot;Did you get upset?&amp;quot; and ask that she doesn't do that again?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Mary got really upset she probably showed it on her face. So, Nina might have seen this and approached Mary to ask if she was okay. This means that even Nina might not have been sure that what she did was okay to do, that she misjudged Mary as somebody that might appreciate such a move. This was probably the best moment for Mary to have just stated the facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that male you asked me to process his purchases? He asked me to call him. I'm freaked out right now, I'm not feeling very safe anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to find out if Nina knew of the man's intent, it's better to ask this than to outright accuse her of conspiracy with the customer. Maybe Nina didn't know the man was going to make that move. Ask her if she did, follow up the question by stating:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I saw you talking with the customer, were you aware he was going to do this? If you were, could you please tell them I'm not available next time? I really don't like this happening to me, it freaks me out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't accusing Nina, and also offers Nina a solution that she can use the next time such a situation arises. Don't go around throwing terms like 'unprofessional' and 'inappropriate' directly at Nina. Keep those for when she makes the same mistake multiple times. For now, be gentle in communicating that you didn't like this 'surprise' at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In response to your edit:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, as you suspect, the customer didn't tell Nina about his plans, Nina didn't have much to prevent him going to Mary's register. After all, if a customer points out Mary because he knows her from a previous visit, as long as Nina doesn't have proof that he's 'misbehaving', she can't politely decline his request. &lt;strong&gt;Your first goal here is to find out what the conversation between the customer and Nina was about.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have Mary tell to Nina what happened. But don't accuse Nina of 'you should have had more tact'. Just state that Mary was upset by the incident, and ask Nina what happened between her and the customer. Let Nina know of what happened and ask her to work with Mary to figure this out. And if anything more happens (read: if the customer starts to stalk Mary), keep Nina up to date. I don't know how much power a store-manager has over there, but I've once seen my boss deny entrance to a customer that was being very creepy (almost stalking) a colleague of mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By providing Nina with the facts, Nina might be able to prevent the customer from visiting Mary's register again (or at least give him a very stern warning not to bring the 'call me' up again --&amp;gt; I've seen my boss do that and it worked). The only things Mary and Nina can do here are &lt;strong&gt;retroactive and aimed at that specific customer since he already crossed the line.&lt;/strong&gt; Nina will never be able to protect Mary from customers doing this again (or worse) if she has no clue they are going to do so. But once they do, she can (and must) protect Mary from further harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T14:44:08.067" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5391" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-15T11:06:59.440" Score="40" ViewCount="8070" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been struggling with this for quite a while now. Sometimes, I have to interact with people whom I did not choose as friends (read: family and neighbors). After the last event (a neighborhood barbeque), I had a talk with my mother about me leaving (in her opinion) too early. I told her I didn't like the event at all because&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the food wasn't especially good &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the temperature wasn't nice for having a barbeque &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the general vibe wasn't fun, there was nobody there that I felt I could and wanted to talk to. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, we had some more talks about me talking with family and neighbors. Mom stated: &quot;You always give the impression that people are too dumb to be worth talking to&quot;. This is bothering me a lot, because I don't want people to think that I think I'm better than them. I know I have my flaws and shortcomings as well, so I don't consider myself to be 'above' them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last night we talked a bit more about it, and we came to the conclusion that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm talking about topics that aren't considered fun by them. I like talking about politics, current events, ethics, philosophy, sociology. Just exchanging facts, broadening my horizon, no fierce discussions are necessary (although I do like having those as well, within reason). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are talking about topics that I'm not interested in at all. It mostly consists of the latest small-town gossip like those people are getting a divorce, they are selling their house and he's homosexual. I come from a small village where there are a lot of people that call themselves Christians, so things like divorces and homosexuality are scandalous and gossip about them can go on for an entire evening. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So basically, since I personally don't like gossiping, when somebody brings up a topic of divorce, I usually try to gently steer the conversation away from gossip and to current events or, if we keep with the divorce example, to e.g. the merits of pre-nuptial agreements. According to my Mom, this is considered rude by some people, and others have voiced to her that I'm coming across as more and more haughty/snooty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I honestly want these people to not think of me that way because I honestly don't think they're 'below' me, and I hate being seen as haughty because I'm always trying to be polite and humble. But I'm not the kind of person that can participate in gossiping either. &lt;em&gt;So I'm wondering if this gossiping is a skill that can be learned. If yes, how do I join these people in their conversations without being seen as haughty? How do I prevent changing the topic to something that would be considered snooty by them?&lt;/em&gt; Because if I could join them in their gossip, these evenings would be more fun and more bearable for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T15:36:34.797" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T15:36:34.797" Title="How to join in when people are gossiping?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;gossip&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5393" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5391" CreationDate="2017-10-15T11:33:10.987" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you can be a voice of reason.  That is what I try to be.  So I tend to that take topics and try to make it steered toward being more uplifting and supportive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall though, if you just show interest in people and ask them about themselves, you can usually easily avoid topics about others.  So find out something about someone (they are a great cook, do a certain hobby, etc) and then use that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I heard you were quite a cook from so &amp;amp; so.  How did you get started&#xA;  on that?  Is there any special tips you can offer or a cookbook you&#xA;  particularly like?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Julie told me what a gorgeous dress you made for that last cookout.  I&#xA;  wish I could sew.  How long have you been doing it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I heard your daughter made the soccer team.  You must be proud of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I know you teach.  Did you always know that was your calling or how&#xA;  did you decide to go into that field?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a million things you can use to start a new topic and often it will get things redirected back to these people &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; help you get to know them better.  It should also garner you goodwill that you showed a genuine interest in them.  If you can help people feel better once they have interacted with you than they did before you spoke, people will love you.  If you have no such tidbits, you can start off with compliments, like about a sweater they are wearing and where they got it, or their hairstyle, etc.  You can ask them what sorts of hobbies they have, etc or if anyone has read any books they would recommend recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T11:33:10.987" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-15T12:17:09.713" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to take a leap of faith here and assume the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That she &lt;em&gt;knows&lt;/em&gt; she's overweight.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That she &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to lose weight.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That she &lt;em&gt;has tried&lt;/em&gt; to lose weight and failed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Weight loss is a grail that many people chase but few catch.  Wanting to is not enough.  Dieting often doesn't work.  Even if you lose the first 40 lbs/18 kgs, going farther is difficult, if not impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With so many people &lt;strong&gt;wanting&lt;/strong&gt; to lose weight, why aren't more people doing it?  Maybe just pointing out the &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to lose weight doesn't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was quite alarmed when my weight crept up in the 1990's.  I wasn't stuffing myself or starving myself, yet every year I would add a few pounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I had weight-loss surgery.  That was the only thing that did the trick.  I won't say it's been without difficulties, but the excess weight came off in a year -- without &quot;willpower&quot; or other tricks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T12:17:09.713" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5306" CreationDate="2017-10-15T12:48:21.700" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;So… I'm not depressive, just bipolar (and ADHD… go genetics!), but I can get into a pretty nasty funk a couple of times a year (take seven pills a day to mostly feel normal, and that still fails…). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In one sense, she's right. You have no idea what it's like. Most people don't. Even thinking about depressive episodes is enough to make me deeply uncomfortable, bordering on afraid. The most frustrating parts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know that I can manage a fairly objective outlook on reality. I know that I have a wife and great kids. I know that I'm doing pretty well in a few different ways, but I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I will be crushed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I live in a perpetual worry that some fundamental parts of my personality are some sort of symptom of the disease. (Not getting into examples here)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My read is that she's not just depressive, but acting destructively as well. Most of those, &quot;it's good for my condition&quot;, &quot;you can't begin to understand&quot; are precisely the opposite of true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a personal perspective, I find that the best way to handle depression is having a clear idea what I want, and then try to act on that, even if I feel like the world is about to collapse on me. The worst thing you can do is break routine in those circumstances. Cancelling appointments actually makes things worse, not better. Smoking up is avoidance not trying to act for the best. The next day, she'll sober up and realize, &quot;Hey, I have the same problems as yesterday, only today they're worse!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her what she wants or needs to be happy. Help her work towards that. If she claims that she's too depressed for something then ask her if there's something that she can do that will get her closer to . There are plenty of things which someone can do that fall into &quot;hey, I simply can't face the world right now… but I can be productive doing X…&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For her sake, I also recommend a mood tracker. &quot;How did I feel today, what was I doing?&quot; can help both on a personal level, and it can help when she goes and talks to her psychologist (or psychiatrist).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday I had a particularly unmotivated day (not even depressed, just couldn't get motivated). I had an &quot;I don't want to clean the attic, or mow the lawn, or bag the leaves, or do work, or…&quot; but I was able to follow up with a, &quot;I can at least…&quot;. Garbage went out! Put my generator back together! (don't ask)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's unwilling to do anything but smoke up… that's not an encouraging sign. At that point, you should ask, &quot;Is there a way we can talk with your therapist together? I'd like to help you as much as possible and that means helping you with whatever treatment plan you have.&quot; It is common for people in a relationship with someone suffering from some form of emotional/psychological inconsistency to also talk with the therapist. It helps the partner gain understanding, perspective, and patience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Side note: I will warn you, if you go and start moaning to the guy about the relationship problems, that will destroy any trust she has in you.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4597" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T12:48:21.700" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5391" CreationDate="2017-10-15T13:46:32.653" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;People love gossip until it's about them or someone they care about... And if you're involved with a group that tends to enjoy gossiping you can be assured that sooner or later you'll be a target.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when I'm in these situations I can slow them down or derail them completely by playing Devil's advocate, more or less just defending whoever is being thrown under the bus. It looks like I'm participating and in a way I am, but I'm doing it to reduce the harm done by the gossip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just using the examples from your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh that's really sad, divorce is a hard thing to go through. I'll have to bake them some cookies and offer a shoulder to cry on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're selling their house? Remind me to trim my hedges and bring the trashcan in early, we want to make a good impression on their potential buyers and our new neighbors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good for him, coming out takes a lot of courage. It must have been hard growing up gay in a small town, we should try to make him feel welcome here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes these uncomfortable gossiping conversations can be an opportunity to model better behavior, and sometimes that's all it takes to get people to be a little more kind. If it helps think of it as applied anthropology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience with doing this, people who gossip who are otherwise &amp;quot;good people&amp;quot; tend to know at some level that what they're doing is wrong. I think this method works because they become aware that someone involved in the conversation is actively trying to turn it around and that reminds them that they're doing something that they kinda know they shouldn't be doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T04:21:57.210" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5398" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-15T14:58:14.440" Score="18" ViewCount="5728" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's a brief rundown of the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have issues with fears of abandonment that manifest in very strong anxiety triggered by certain things, such as my girlfriend going out partying for the night. I am currently in a long-distance relationship, which does not exactly make things easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, first of all: I am well aware that this is &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; issue, and she is in no way obliged to &quot;not upset me&quot;. That I shouldn't feel this way, and that she's in no way responsible for how I feel. That she should never feel &lt;em&gt;obliged&lt;/em&gt; to do or not do something based solely off how I feel about it. And that anything else is very unhealthy and will lead to pain and resentment further down the road, that she never has to ask me &quot;permission&quot; to do something, etc. &#xA;And I tell her that explicitly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But due to her character, previous experiences, and potentially certain mental health issues of her own, she is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; afraid of upsetting me. And I cannot hide the fact that I am upset. I do (truthfully) tell her that I would never get angry at her about anything of this kind, and that it's not her fault or her burden to bear, but the crux of the matter is that such things &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; cause me crippling anxiety (e.g. quite vigorous physical shaking, racing heartbeat, and inability to sleep). So to her, that is a sort of &quot;punishment&quot;, even though I do not want it to be - effective enough that she on her own actively avoids anything that she thinks might upset me, which in turn leads to her feeling controlled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been having difficulties with this for a while, and while it has gotten better over the years, it recently worsened drastically when my last girlfriend, weeks before we were to move in together, cheated on me and ended the relationship without any prior indication issues (she claims she herself was not aware anything was wrong). We parted ways amicably, since there's no point in blaming her and the whole episode caused her a lot of grief as well, but it reinforced a lot of fears. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The resulting questions are the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I communicate to her (besides just saying it obviously) that while this is obviously some kind of trust issue, that doesn't reflect on how I feel about her and is in no way her fault?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, if this is still applicable to this stack,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What are strategies to feel less anxious about those things? I receive plenty of affection which I appreciate a lot. And in the moment, it makes me feel alright with those sorts of situations. But having very emotionally heavy conversations every time she wants to go out is not feasible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This whole thing was more or less triggered by her intention to &quot;dress up like a slut and go to a party&quot; for Halloween (her wording), and I would greatly appreciate any advice on how not to actively dread that or any similar occasion arising on the horizon, or at least speak to my girlfriend about it in a fashion that doesn't implicitly blackmail her into restricting herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my first time posting here, so I'm sorry if it is out of place or badly worded. Thank you in advance for any advice&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7255" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T08:29:38.667" Title="How to deal with anxiety/control issues in relationship" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5398" CreationDate="2017-10-15T15:20:26.137" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;(If you can't hide it) talk about it. Tell her you don't want to restrict her in what she does but you are also afraid she leaves or cheats on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had long distance for half a year, we were both jealous and a bit afraid. Talking about it helped a lot. We decided on general rule to not do things you wouldn't want the other person Todo while your gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can start the conversation by asking her if she feels jealous about certain things you do to create the openness for her to ask the question back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T15:20:26.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5398" CreationDate="2017-10-15T16:16:49.143" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is probably something that you should talk to a therapist about, but there was something rather unconventional that worked for me...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was much younger I had a similar fear of being cheated on, because I had been cheated on in several relationships in a row. Obviously this was really painful, but I found something that helped me get over the fear, jealousy, and pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try reading up on ethical polyamorous relationships. &lt;strong&gt;I don't recommend polyamorous relationships, they're really complicated and often dramatic.&lt;/strong&gt; Just read about the concept, and how people manage to have long term non-monogamous relationships. Just a hint, most of it centers around learning to openly communicate with your partner/s about your emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically it's like steering into the skid. Just as a mental exercise, consider not only being ok with your partner seeing other people, but being happy for them, and actually encouraging them to pursue a relationship with someone else because it makes them happy. I know the thoughts are initially hard and painful, but with time and with practice it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can say that I learned a lot from having an ethical polyamorous relationship. Mostly that my partner sleeping with or even falling in love with someone else doesn't necessarily mean that they love me any less. It also taught me how to deal with most of my relationship related fears and anxieties. I no longer worry about being cheated on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really recommend this relationship style in practice because they're really very difficult to maintain (and in my experience a lot of people get into them for the wrong reasons), but they do teach you a lot about yourself, and about communication in relationships because they are so very difficult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-15T16:43:47.023" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T16:43:47.023" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5398" CreationDate="2017-10-15T17:10:29.317" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Okay, first things first.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Props to you for recognizing that you have a problem, you know what it is, and you know where it came from.  This is cool.  Next step is to get your bad self some therapy.  You can get help and advice from friends and friendly internet strangers (and I'm about to launch my &quot;advice manifesto&quot; on you), but it is worth checking in with a pro just to make sure that your issue isn't something that requires the heavy artillery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said...  I've some thoughts to share with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You cannot control what she does&lt;/strong&gt;  -- This is the case whether you live in the same town or not.  Unless you physically handcuff her to your wrist (not recommended), she is going to be out of your sight for large amounts of time.  Meditate on that, because it leads to...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Trust&lt;/strong&gt; -- You have to trust her honor.  That is, you have to understand that she cares for you, and has sufficient integrity that she's not going to step out on you.  &lt;em&gt;If you don't believe this, you shouldn't be courting her.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wry acceptance&lt;/strong&gt; -- Accept that your feelings of jealousy, while magnified past the usual, &lt;strong&gt;are normal and expected&lt;/strong&gt;.  Yours are just a bit overinflated.  Look, most every guy -- rightly or wrongly -- bristles at the thought of some other guy &quot;putting eyes on my woman&quot;.  It's understandable.  Especially if she's going to be showing up to some party half-naked without you there for backup.  I get it, you get it.  But ... you (I presume) live in a civilized society.  Overwhelming odds are that she will be safe.  You will still have the jealous feelings.  Accept them for what they are -- a protective reaction which is kicking in unnecessarily.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Side-note&lt;/em&gt; -- There's a weird counterpoint to the jealousy factor above; many guys like to &lt;em&gt;show off&lt;/em&gt; their girls, how lovely and lively they are, etc.  Both impulses can coexist in the same cranium.  Us guys are funny creatures, neh?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Appearances&lt;/strong&gt; -- Your lack of trust &lt;em&gt;hurts her&lt;/em&gt;.  Why?  Because, per above, you do not trust her honor.  What does that really say about your opinion of her?  Do you really think she is so weak?  Doubtless not, but it gives off that impression.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Time&lt;/strong&gt; -- I can't promise this, but I bet you that as time passes, as you see her devotion to you in action, this should assuage the jealousy/anxiety.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Recommendation&lt;/strong&gt; -- Share your thoughts with her.  Tell her you have jealousy issues, but it's due to your baggage plus some misplaced protectiveness.  Tell her to go to her party, but to give you a call when she gets home.  You can then happily chew your fingernails up to the second knuckle while you wait.  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh yeah, almost forgot.  Not kidding about that therapy, boyo.  Just get yourself checked out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T17:10:29.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5391" CreationDate="2017-10-15T17:23:28.480" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some thoughts ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought @apaul suggestions about trying to model gentler behavior were spot-on. Let me add to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find something good to say about anyone who comes up in gossip.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Deflect from the personal to the sociological.  &quot;Oh, Bill and Jenny are getting divorced?  So many couples do, makes me sad.  They do say that most couples who make it past X years [do your research, pal!] are in it for the long haul.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't start politics/religion debates at casual parties.  It rarely ends well.  You might be better served with &quot;unusual&quot; social or science news.  Here's one:  &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nasa.gov/feature/goddard/2017/hubble-captures-blistering-pitch-black-planet&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.nasa.gov/feature/goddard/2017/hubble-captures-blistering-pitch-black-planet&lt;/a&gt;   Honestly, before parties or somesuch, I often do a little research, looking for cool small-talk.  See, if I pick the topics, they're automatically more interesting to me...  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Follow-up from above ... you &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; encounter people who like to discuss the deeper issues.  They are out there.  Heck, I'm one.  But you have to edge into it.  Let convos get deeper &lt;em&gt;slowly&lt;/em&gt;.  You can't just stomp up to Aunt Tilly and bark out &quot;Calvinism vs Free Will -- go!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Listen.&lt;/em&gt;  There is a lot of interesting stuff going on at these parties.  Listen to what people are interested in.  Ask more questions about it.  Almost any topic, if you dig deep enough, has an almost fractal level of complexity behind it.  Football.  Knitting.  Alternate history of the HRE.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Listen again.&lt;/em&gt;  Listen to the &lt;em&gt;people&lt;/em&gt;.  We live in a human world; people are what is important.  Get to know these people around you until you start sympathizing with them, with their problems.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T17:23:28.480" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5404" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5388" CreationDate="2017-10-15T17:34:50.370" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm ... sounds like to one extent or another Nina &quot;set Mary up&quot; with a guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not certain whether Nina knew the guy before that day and wanted to matchmake, or if the guy approached her &quot;Ma'am can you introduce me to that gal over there&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, it's understandable that Mary may just not want any of that action.  So...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mary should go talk to Nina.  Not some in-your-face kind of thing; Mary doesn't have all the facts.  Go up to her and say, &quot;Hey that guy the other day &lt;em&gt;asked me out&lt;/em&gt;.  What was going on there?&quot;  And hear Nina's story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you have gotten Nina's story, Mary should shake her head, laugh wryly, and say, &quot;Okay, just don't send me any more, my nerves can't handle it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T17:34:50.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5398" CreationDate="2017-10-15T17:40:53.943" Score="24" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...she is very afraid of upsetting me. And I cannot hide the fact that I am upset. ...such things do cause me crippling anxiety (e.g. quite vigorous physical shaking, racing heartbeat, and inability to sleep)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you need to get into therapy. Be it talk, CBT, desensitization, repetitive motion, whatever, do that ASAP, because you owe it to yourself and anyone you end up partnering with to be a healthier version of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, do not talk often about your abandonment issues, and never when she wants to do something that scares you. Don't tell her of your crippling anxiety when you have it or speak with her when you're upset. Write it in a journal, text your best friends, do some guided journaling (journaling with a specific goal), learn how to meditate, and learn everything you can about anxiety disorders. This is absolutely your problem, not hers, and whether you think so or not, telling her - knowing that it changes her behavior - is making her responsible for your anxiety. Now that's not necessarily a terrible thing if it works for both of you, but you're claiming you don't want that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...having very emotionally heavy conversations every time she wants to go out is not feasible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're absolutely correct. See above. Say, &quot;Have a good time!&quot; Then spend the next hour journaling/meditating/whatever helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not taking your anxiety lightly. Anxiety attacks are horrible. But they are yours, not hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking about deeply personal things is key to a trusting relationship, but making someone else take care of your feelings by changing their behavior is wrong. Take care of yourself. It's critical to your partners and future children, if you have any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Depending on how bad it is, I might schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and a therapist. An anxiolytic - &lt;strong&gt;not alprazolam&lt;/strong&gt;, please - may be beneficial, enough to take the edge off the panic and make it tolerable while you do the other things you learn to help yourself.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T17:40:53.943" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5199" CreationDate="2017-10-15T18:06:08.317" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although a Brit, I have family and friends in the USA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, in the USA it is common to open a gift in front of the giver (Hollywood supports this idea in many movies). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When in doubt, ask. A simple &quot;Can I open it now?&quot; would suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that you noticed the giver glance at the gift on the table more than once - a likely indication that they were expecting you to open it there and then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you see the giver, go up to them with a smile and thank them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2660" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T18:06:08.317" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5407" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5388" CreationDate="2017-10-15T19:04:16.433" Score="68" Body="&lt;p&gt;You and Mary both seem to be assuming that the conversation between the customer and the manager went like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That girl at the counter sure is pretty. I'd like to ask her out. Can you call her over here please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, sir!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But chances are it went more like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good morning. I was in here last week and got fantastic help from a young lady who I see is working again today (pointing.) Any chance she could assist me today also?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh yes, that's Mary, she's very helpful. I'll call her over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing in that for Mary to object to. The manager is just doing her job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's really rattled by the card and the request to &amp;quot;call me&amp;quot; (and I expect many women in a public-facing position might be) then she needs to &lt;strong&gt;ask&lt;/strong&gt; the manager about the conversation that happened in the store.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other day, when that [tall, older, whatever adjectives you have] gentleman [in the green blazer, who bought 6 ties, etc] pointed me out, did he tell you why he wanted to talk to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The manager may say &amp;quot;he wanted to ask you on a date!&amp;quot; but more likely &amp;quot;no, just asked if you could look after him.&amp;quot; Then Mary can reply&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, he gave me his card and asked me to call him. Like for a date, I think. It made me uncomfortable. (This might be a time to mention that she was so upset that she couldn't correctly answer &amp;quot;are you upset?&amp;quot; which the manager did notice originally.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the manager is &amp;quot;looped in&amp;quot; and can do things like not facilitating more interactions between the two of them. Or, if the manager responds by urging Mary to date the customer for the store's continued benefit, well, Mary will know how things stand and can figure out what to do about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T19:04:16.433" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5203" CreationDate="2017-10-15T19:14:01.620" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your wife's goal is not to be harrassed, while staying friends with the fiancee. Blueeye's reply will achieve the first half nicely while failing with the second. Talking to the wife still has a good chance to destroy the friendship. Not talking to the wife may also destroy the friendship if she ever finds out. So nothing you and your wife can do can guarantee success and achieve &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; of her goals. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think what you want to achieve is for the man to back off, while keeping it all quiet. I think the best chance to achieve this is having a talk including you, your wife, and that man. Explaining to him that (a) his behaviour is absolutely not wanted. (b) he has already overstepped the mark to the point where he could be successfully reported for harrassment. (c) that this would likely split him up from his fiancee. (d) that continuing his behaviour means he should not enter any dark alleyways on his own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And (e) that his best long-term strategy is to talk to his fiancee, explaining that he has a problem, but nothing serious happened and nothing serious would have happened, and to promise to improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The risk, that you have to think about: That he doesn't just have serious problems with judgement, but is completely unhinged and becomes an actual danger to your wife. Or that he goes to his fiancee, blames everything on your wife, and destroys her friendship with the fiancee. The first is unlikely. The second risk cannot be avoided. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T19:14:01.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5388" CreationDate="2017-10-15T20:19:36.200" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;How to politely communicate to your manager that what they did upset you and ask that it doesn't happen again?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on your story, it sounds like your manager did nothing more than ask you to serve a customer you had served in the past. All the rest sounds like speculation. So if you're question is how you can politely communicate to your manager that her asking you to fulfil the most fundamental part of your job (serving customers) upset you and not to do it again; I don't think there is a way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're making a lot of assumptions. It could have been as simple as your manager talked to the customer, they mentioned they were served here before, your manager asked who served them, he said you. She sent him to get assisted by you again. He fancied you so made an innocuous attempt to hit on you and left. You then proceeded to react as if your manager was trying to pimp you out to a customer. Did Nina tell the customer you were single??&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6537" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T20:19:36.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5412" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5306" CreationDate="2017-10-15T23:17:11.083" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been on both sides of a relationship like this; in hospitals, with police, in 12-step programs and in therapy. I came out the other side- so I will be blunt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problems with this relationship are coming from Your actions, Abavg. People aren't projects and they aren't fixer-uppers. Healthy people want partners, not projects. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will waste decades while you try to fix her, as she resents you and retreats further- and it will all be for nothing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You sound fascinated and enmeshed with her many, many problems. The person you can talk freely about the dynamics of this relationship with, is your own therapist. You can safely learn about expressions like your part in the Karpman Drama Triangle, and find out why you are so attracted to a relationship with someone who cannot be present.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She should not be living with you after a month and a half. Maybe after a year and a half. &quot;Too soon&quot; ruins relationships and is a huge red flag for a dangerous relationship. She needs to be focused on her wellness and therapies. I question her ability to be in this relationship, because &lt;strong&gt;she's&lt;/strong&gt; telling you she can't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I urge you to consider your actions not as martyred, rescuing angel, but as coercion. You offered her a rescue and a home in exchange for intimacy. I'm concerned for her safety and her ability to consistently administer birth control. You should assume you have to be responsible for and use barrier methods to, prevent pregnancy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before the the legal, financial, and human rights consequences come knocking at your door (and they will) consider taking actions of genuine compassion that allow her to be responsible for her own life. Let her prioritize her recovery, privately, by ending this entrapment and her stay in your home. The best model for her may be you modeling these actions in your own life. Make yourself your fixer-upper project. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7265" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T23:17:11.083" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="905" CreationDate="2017-10-15T23:58:06.300" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;So much kind-hearted responses here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot offer help to someone who does not want it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some states, one can get an involuntary, 72-hour &quot;psych hold&quot; in a hospital for someone posing a danger to themselves or others. The slang for this where I live is a &quot;5150&quot;. The patient is admitted and evaluated for medications or an additional stay. Obviously the potential for abuse is high, and should only be used in emergencies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sudden onset is concerning. In my experience and readings, a mental health professional will screen for changes in sleep patterns and unreported drug use- even too much caffeine can disrupt a person. A physical exam could look at everything from a tumor pressing against the brain or spine, to abcessed teeth and crumbling metal fillings from night-grinding.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to illustrate that the fixes are far outside what a concerned friend can preform, and the next, best step is a medical evaluation. You may have saved a life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7265" LastActivityDate="2017-10-15T23:58:06.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5398" CreationDate="2017-10-16T07:46:18.837" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a lot of directions to go with this. So first of all:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Possibility that you have BPD&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your use of &quot;implicitly blackmail&quot; plus the traumatic abandonment&#xA;issues makes me wonder if you have BPD (the blackmail thing is an accusation I hear all the time against people with BPD who can't stop feeling bad and showing it). If so, it will be hard to find &#xA;literature for a partner that does not demonize it. I strongly &#xA; recommend a book called &quot;When Hope Is Not Enough&quot;. I also second the recommendation for &quot;Codependent No More&quot;, but that would be for the partner as well.&#xA;For you, I suggest looking on borderline-related tags on tumblr and on psychforums.com's BPD section to see if it resonates with you. However, even if you do not feel this applies to you, allow me to continue with advice about your particular question. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Viability of not lying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be very hard to find someone who doesn't feel threatened in some way by the prospect of an onslaught of negative emotion, because many people are not able to be around someone else feeling bad without &quot;catching&quot; it. There are certain demographics that are less subject to emotional contagion: for example, autistics. They are also not very likely to resent you feeling bad in and of itself. You're allowed to have the feelings you have, and even if you're not allowed to, too bad because you do. If someone feels unduly restricted by that (in the absence you doing something to hassle them), that's THEIR feeling that THEY need to own (but it still may be possible to strategize to mitigate it). But, you say, due to this person's background, they can't handle it. Honestly dude, my POV is that someone who can't handle that can't handle you. Because that is part of you. The sooner everyone is honest with themselves about their emotional resources the better. It doesn't make either of you a bad person if it's not a match. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is your ideal situation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you could have anything you wanted to reassure you while she was gone, in a hypothetical world where nothing's unreasonable, what would it be? It may turn out that this thing is doable. Try to break the anxiety down into component parts. Is time distortion part of it? Are you concerned that she'll literally not come back? Etc. Then try to address those things with hacks one by one. The vaguer it's kept, the more it's an intractable black cloud. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7279" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T08:49:47.210" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T08:49:47.210" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5388" CreationDate="2017-10-16T08:48:30.077" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;How could Mary have politely communicated to Nina that what Nina had done was inappropriate and unprofessional when asked &quot;Did you get upset?&quot; and ask that she doesn't do that again?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has several points to be addressed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;what Nina had done was inappropriate and unprofessional&quot; - Was it? Actually, &lt;strong&gt;it is pretty unclear what she actually &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. The real conversation between her and the customer could have been totally different from all &lt;strong&gt;Mary is &lt;em&gt;assuming&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. There is nothing to be gained in speculations here: &lt;strong&gt;Mary should ask Nina what had been spoken between her and customer&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Did you get upset?&quot; - To me, this question does not say &quot;Are you upset &lt;em&gt;because I did not tell the customer not to hit on you&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. It simply expresses her impression of Mary to be upset by something and genuinely asking for the reason. This would have been the perfect time to tell her what the customer did and also communicate it's generally not appreciated (without accusations). The least she could have done is postpone the conversation with &quot;We'll talk later, if you don't mind.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; We really don't know &lt;strong&gt;what&lt;/strong&gt; Nina did, so judging it with &quot;inappropriate&quot; is inherently wrong. She should have simply told Nina what happened and that it freaks her out (without accusing Nina). I see no reason why this should affect their work relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After Question edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I live (Germany) it is not uncommon (at least not &lt;em&gt;creepy&lt;/em&gt;) to request for being serviced by personnel one already knows from previous visits to a shop. Regardless of the total worth of purchases &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; in Nina's place wouldn't have been suspicious if asked by a customer if there was a specific person available to be serviced by. &lt;strong&gt;Following &quot;innocent until proven guilty&quot; I personally wouldn't blame Nina for &quot;a hookup&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Mary was really &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; upset by a guy leaving is number with a &quot;call me&quot; and really was mad at her boss Nina &lt;em&gt;suspecting&lt;/em&gt; she hooked her up - well I &lt;em&gt;tend to&lt;/em&gt; say it is more &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; problem overreacting to this than anybody else's. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, I'd like to say I wasn't there - so the situation might have been creepier than what I read from the question. But I can only rely on the question's wording. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But back to the question: &lt;strong&gt;My conclusion on how she could have reacted politely&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell Nina to speak to her at a later time and sleep over the whole situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After the first &quot;shock&quot; has gone and the situation could be reconsidered, talk to Nina (again without accusations), trying to figure out what had really happened.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Come to an agreement with Nina, that she backs her up when somebody is trying to hit on her in the future.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't touch the subject of the customer himself. Was it &quot;OK&quot; to hit on Mary this way or not? I get this could be at least debatable and I read the question is more about how to react &lt;em&gt;to Nina&lt;/em&gt; not to the customer. I also got the feeling what is more upsetting to Mary is not the hookup-line itself (well, partly it is, of course) but the &lt;em&gt;assumption&lt;/em&gt; that Nina condoned that move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5980" LastEditorUserId="5980" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T14:30:11.517" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T14:30:11.517" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-16T09:30:29.777" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't make her give up things, find replacements, and do it with her.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is based on the idea what she agrees on loosing weight, of course. But once that is settled, you can help her best by doing things with her.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I lost quiet a bit of weight, and am working on on the last pounds that annoy me, and what helped most was:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Don't start out by making yourself go hungry. Instead, find replacements. Finder lower-calorie versions of things you like, and I do NOT mean &quot;diet&quot;-labelled foods.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I replaced bought fruit-yoghurt with plain yoghurt with fresh, frozen or dried fruit.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I replaced chocolate-pudding with bananas purreed with plain cocoa-powder.&#xA;I choose whole wheat bread over white, and even started baking my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those worked for ME, because they replaced things I craved with more healthy versions, without making me go hungry. Don't approach this with a &quot;I will deny her something&quot;-mindset. Approach it with &quot;We will find something BETTER!&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;For me, that was the key. I replaced bad foods with better foods; I did not DENY myself something.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Try to work out together how you can go that way: See how you add something good, NOT on the things you removed. &#xA;I hope this will help on how to approach this WITH her, not AGAINST her. If this works MOST of the time, that really should be enough. We all sin occasionally :).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2330" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T09:30:29.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5420" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5427" CreationDate="2017-10-16T09:41:48.123" Score="62" ViewCount="13843" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of weeks ago me and my partner decided to change our diet/lifestyle to a mostly plant based diet. It has made us feel much better and happier. We make the occasional exception here and there but both have no wish to eat animal products on a daily basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We eat at my in-laws about once a week (sometimes we cook at their place, sometimes they cook) and they have been having issues with our new lifestyle. They disagree with it and refuse to prepare plant based meals. After not feeling well a couple of times after dinner and helping to clean up, we found out they were lying about the things they were serving. (ie, cooking with cows milk and claiming it's soy milk)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am just not sure how to go about this. I don't wish to eat there anymore like this, but they are direct family and obviously my partner does not want a fight with his parents. His solution was to just bring Tupperware with our own food or only to invite them to our place and have us cook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like we should be able to discuss this as adults to adults. I don't feel that lying about these kinds of things is a very adult decision. What would be the best approach to discuss this without it escalating? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit from comments:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I am not deadly allergic to any animal products, but specifically lactose products can bring me discomfort. If eaten in large amounts it will make me sick to my stomach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-07-09T10:45:21.343" LastActivityDate="2019-07-10T00:34:47.570" Title="How to politely stress that I do not wish to eat something?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5421" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5422" CreationDate="2017-10-16T09:43:03.497" Score="52" ViewCount="24184" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am slightly annoyed by my co-workers who say &amp;quot;bless you&amp;quot; everytime I sneeze. It feels awkward to me to reply with a &amp;quot;thank you&amp;quot;. I usually only thank people when they really helped me out in a matter and that's also when I expect other people to thank me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion blessing someone after he sneezes does not deserve such attention. It really just adds more interruption than the actual sneeze act, which is annoying enough by itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am currently handling the situation by just staying quiet and not responding to any blessing. This makes me feel awkward because I can feel my co-workers expecting me to say something. I don't want them to feel ignored by me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate (actively or passively) to my co-workers that I don't need a &amp;quot;bless you&amp;quot; after I sneeze, without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Side notes:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Austria, a German speaking country in Europe. In German we say &amp;quot;Gesundheit&amp;quot; when blessing someone which literally translates to &amp;quot;health&amp;quot;. So it does not have any religious context like the English &amp;quot;bless you&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7285" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T18:45:53.137" Title="How to communicate to my co-workers that they don't have to say &quot;bless you&quot; when I sneeze?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5422" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T10:23:28.270" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know the issue. The next time when they say &quot;bless you&quot;, simply tell them: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you, but it's OK if you don't mention it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did the same and it was no problem. We even joked about it, when we realized they shared my opinion about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your co-workers might also be curious if they should say it or not. The problem is, everyone treats it differently. Some people &lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt; you to say &quot;bless you&quot; and others (like you) don't like it. I have observed older generations seem to expect it and younger generations don't like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastEditorUserId="260" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T11:00:39.400" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T11:00:39.400" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T10:27:39.230" Score="22" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to communicate to my co-workers that they don't have to say “bless you” when I sneeze?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best I know, so far, comes from &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.askamanager.org/2012/07/saying-bless-you-when-a-coworker-sneezes.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Ask A Manager&lt;/a&gt;: &lt;strong&gt;“I know I sneeze a lot, just give me a ‘blanket bless you’ for the day.”&lt;/strong&gt; With a big smile, as usual :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some countries in Europe, and as far as I know, sneezing is sometimes seen as &quot;not so polite&quot; (I was raised that way). Therefore, acknowledgement is also &quot;not so polite&quot;. That's why many people, after sneezing, say &lt;em&gt;excuse me&lt;/em&gt;, and no one answers, depending on the culture and education.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But it's also something that you can't control&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some say something, some don't. Check the local &lt;em&gt;rules&lt;/em&gt; there, it can be different from country to country. Same at the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The practice of blessing someone after a sneeze is probably as old as the first century. The origin of the practice is most likely rooted in superstition: the belief that a sneeze is the body trying to rid itself of evil spirits, the thought that the heart stops beating when a person sneezes, or the fear that a sneeze somehow opens the body to evil spirits. In these cases, saying, “God bless you,” was a kind of protection or good luck charm that shielded the sneezer from being invaded by spirits or affected by evil. (From &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gotquestions.org/God-bless-you-sneeze.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Got Questions&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you are polite, you don't say anything rude to co-workers, and may stop them from doing it again. They know you heard them, and that they don't have to say it all the time. No real way out though, if people were raised saying &quot;&lt;em&gt;whatever is nice after sneezing&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I communicate (actively or passively)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The first time it happens, you'll have to say something.&lt;/strong&gt; Not answering would lead to 2 things: rudeness and do-it-again attitude from both sides. You have to let them know. But I strongly recommend that you avoid the passive-aggressive approach, especially at the workplace. This would most probably lead to &lt;em&gt;damaging the atmosphere&lt;/em&gt; within the cubicle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Related: 1. &lt;a href=&quot;https://thesneezeweez.wordpress.com/2012/05/06/hmm-are-my-friends-talking-about-me/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;myths and clarifications about sneezing&lt;/a&gt; 2. &lt;a href=&quot;http://nationalpost.com/life/the-important-questions-why-do-we-feel-obligated-to-say-bless-you-after-a-stranger-sneezes-and-can-we-stop-now&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;feel obligated to say bless you: can we stop?&lt;/a&gt; 3. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.askamanager.org/2012/07/saying-bless-you-when-a-coworker-sneezes.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;saying bless you when a coworker sneezes&lt;/a&gt; 4. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thespruce.com/sneeze-etiquette-1216655&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;sneeze etiquette&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T14:41:24.600" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T14:41:24.600" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5367" CreationDate="2017-10-16T10:28:10.047" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a difficult situation... I think if your colleagues hadn't done anything yet (in terms of preparation for the birthday) then you should tell them that you don't want to celebrate your birthday. But if they already had done a big job then it can be an upset for them, and I would recommend you to celebrate your birthday(But not too much fun), and next year a few months before your birthday tell your colleagues that you don't want to celebrate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently, you have very good colleagues ♥.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6107" LastEditorUserId="6107" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T09:00:13.477" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T09:00:13.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5426" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3204" CreationDate="2017-10-16T11:12:13.390" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can just speak for my self here. I think I never heard someone not having Aspergers using the term &quot;Aspie&quot; but thats not due to reservation of the word. I (we?) actually enjoy the term pretty much. And wouldn't take any offense as long its not clearly intended to come over offensive. Especially in written form its so much easier to talk &quot;about an Aspie&quot; instead of talking &quot;about some one having Aspergers&quot; If a topic is focused in that thematic, and Aspies talk quiet often about what they perceive, so talking about Aspergers doesn't happen that rarely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ofcourse don't just use it for the purpose of using it, that would be odd, too. but if you talk about someone having Aspergers, why don't just talk about an Aspie?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now for the part why I personally enjoy that term so much:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all the problems I have coming with Aspergers make me feel sometimes very stupid, not getting or noticing the stuff everyone else dose. Since the term &quot;Aspie&quot; has a somewhat cute sound, someone calling me &quot;Aspie&quot; in a friendly way would express in my impression my flaws as something cute and not creating offense by it&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;. So acknowledging it is just a flaw I/we need to be supported with and expressing to see me only as sometimes being stupid in a cute way, would give me some relief as I would feel understood. But this actually might be an wonderful example of how Aspies and NT's perceive different. I assume the reasons why we have no problem with or even enjoy being called Aspies, is the same reason why NT's find it questionable if thats a nice thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to that point, I like using a phrasing where I can state that &lt;strong&gt;I'm&lt;/strong&gt; rather then stating &lt;strong&gt;I have&lt;/strong&gt; Asperger's. As quiet a lot conversations I had about Aspergers just kept proposing me &quot;Then simply stop doing that&quot; as they would solve my problem that way. Saying &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I'm&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; I have the impression, is a bit clearer, that it isn't that easy, as a &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I have&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; would do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; Being offended by my flaws is the usual thing, so I really would prefer something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T11:12:13.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5420" CreationDate="2017-10-16T11:46:23.780" Score="94" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your in-laws have broken your trust here. It's not so much about the diet itself (they're free to disagree with it, they can even refuse to cook it and let you cook) but this is about them refusing to respect your personal decisions and then deceiving you by making you things you don't want to eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So approach it like that. Revoke their privilege of cooking for you because you don't trust them, make it clear you're doing that, and then offer alternatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And stick to that revocation until your in-laws understand how wrong it is to do this, apologize for it, and you believe they won't do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need an idea of what to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I (&lt;em&gt;or we&lt;/em&gt;) noticed during cleaning up, that you've been secretly making us food that goes against our diet. I'm saddened that you didn't respect our wishes and then lied to us about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, this means I can't trust you to cook for me anymore. I'll gladly continue to come around, and I'm more than willing to cook for you or order take-away, but we won't be able to join you for dinner (you made) anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, you could also put in the part about how the cow-milk makes you sick. It depends on how serious your reactions to this food are; on one hand it can help make clear that your diet restrictions are quite serious. On the other hand, it can also make your in-laws just smuggle &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; things into your food that won't make you sick because you didn't deal with the problem at the root. I'll leave it up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T13:06:36.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5420" CreationDate="2017-10-16T11:57:04.693" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not about justifying your diet. Such discussions can be endless. The problem is that they &lt;em&gt;don't respect&lt;/em&gt; your choice. The best approach is to &lt;em&gt;appeal to their conscience&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must make them feel ashamed by showing them &lt;em&gt;how disappointed&lt;/em&gt; you are. Tell them that you never thought they would abuse your trust like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to trigger &lt;em&gt;real regret&lt;/em&gt;. If you can cause these feelings, they will &lt;em&gt;understand&lt;/em&gt; it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this may sound slightly offensive, but this is not about hurting your in-laws. I'm sure they just don't know &lt;em&gt;how serious you feel&lt;/em&gt; about your diet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T13:40:51.610" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T13:40:51.610" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5420" CreationDate="2017-10-16T12:08:01.187" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tupperware, eating out/take out, sealed pre-packaged food, your own cooking, etc. Bringing all your own ingredients yourselves and cooking alongside with them. Those are all good choices. Also, it doesn't have to be dinner or lunch, you could just eat before you get to their place, and only have tea or coffee with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever option you choose, you should still let them know that you know they've lied to you (if you haven't done so already) and inform them of the course of action you've chosen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should let them know this by phone a few days in advance. This way if they get upset, they may get it out of their system by the time you visit.  But either way, there is really no way to prevent this situation from escalating once they notice you're no longer eating their food. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they try to escalate the situation, your spouse and yourself should leave early. There is no point in rewarding such behavior by staying. Or if your spouse doesn't want to leave early, you should leave early. The remaining spouse can always take an Uber/Lyft/Taxi. Just agree to these contingency plans with your spouse a few days in advance so you don't spring it on him at the last second. You don't want to make it appear to his parents that he's not ok with you leaving early. In this, you must show a united front and pre-decide all the contingencies before you get to their house. Also, it will be easier leaving if you went to their house (instead of them coming to yours).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This contingency advice is based on personal experience. While I've never had to deal with an identical situation to yours, I've had my share of family gatherings where alcohol was a major problem and having an early escape plan was paramount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2019-07-10T00:34:47.570" LastActivityDate="2019-07-10T00:34:47.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T12:16:19.480" Score="171" Body="&lt;p&gt;No intention to be harsh, but:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Just suck it up and say &amp;quot;thanks&amp;quot;.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are so many things I think are odd or unneeded, but society dictates that those habits are polite, despite my personal opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A very simple &amp;quot;thanks&amp;quot; suffices. You don't need to thank them with a whole sentence, just some positive sounding word to acknowledge their effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I'm a programmer myself and like to keep my focus as well. I often just say something sounding like thanks, so automatically that I often don't even recall &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; I actually said.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The alternative is explaining to everyone you meet on a regular basis that you don't want a &amp;quot;Gesundheit&amp;quot; (&amp;quot;hey man, no need to say Gesundheit every time&amp;quot;). This will raise a few (small) eyebrows and has to be applied to every new regular.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;You are deviating from standard behaviour, socially this is weird, all of which is mitigated with &amp;quot;Danke&amp;quot;.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T18:45:53.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5420" CreationDate="2017-10-16T12:43:56.697" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers are exactly right: it's not so much the diet, it is them not seeing/accepting your diet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They love you enough to lie to you and tell you it is soy milk instead of cow milk. but they don't understand the value you give it. (they think, there is no difference it does not matter).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as there is no conflict they will not say what they really think and i don't think you can change the way they think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting angry, disappointed and sad, especially when they lie to you and you bust them, will start this conflict. Be sure to communicate your emotion but focus on the goals, don't throw blame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As in life you need to compromise: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;either they accept your wishes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You no longer eat with them, until they do&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You accept they don't cook your lifestyle&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You meet somewhere in the middle (tell them thinks you really not like, make it very practical so they can accept your wishes).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe start with 1 or 2 practical wishes: use soj milk insetad of cow milk. But also Compromise on your side: tell them you don't mind doing groceries, or you actually want to pay for the soy milk (since it is most probably more expensive?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally: positively motivate good behavior as much you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4055" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T12:43:56.697" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T12:53:27.670" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll pass on something I heard on the radio this week. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The local station (SWR1, Germany) had a call-in program where exactly this subject was raised. The suggestion was to pre-empt the calls of 'Gesundheit' by saying 'Excuse me' when you sneeze.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Might work...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4783" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T12:53:27.670" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5433" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3204" CreationDate="2017-10-16T13:55:11.023" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who was formally diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome as a child:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, be aware that the condition &quot;Asperger's Syndrome&quot; has been depreciated by the American Psychiatric Association upon the release of the DSM 5, which rolled it into one part of the spectrum of conditions referred to as a whole as &quot;Autistic Spectrum Disorder&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Aspie&quot; as a term could be used in a friendly way, but it can also be used in a perjorative fashion as a way of mocking someone by implying that they're beneath you; it's a shortened &quot;childlike&quot; version of the word, that could in turn be used to imply that the person you're using it to describe is childlike as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since one of the prerequisites of being diagnosed with ASD is a reduced level of social ability, and that includes a reduced ability to determine the social intentions of others, I'd recommend just avoiding using it entirely, since it's entirely possible that even if you mean it in a friendly way, the person you're using it towards may not be sure that that's what you meant, and interpret it as though you meant it hurtfully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, ugh, I hate using this language because it comes from the worst parts of the Left Wing of politics, but you also have to consider the power dynamics of privilege involved in this as a neurotypical appropriating a form of address developed by a disadvantaged group of people to refer to themselves. Just because you can see a group of people using a phrase to describe themselves doesn't automatically make it appropriate for a person with a position of relative power over them to refer to them that way; it's certainly not as bad as a white person calling a black person the n-word when its acceptable for black people to refer to each other as such, but the same sort of social construct can still be said to apply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, because of the trend of some people self-diagnosing as &quot;Asperger's Syndrome&quot;, it's possible that some people might take offense at being called &quot;Aspies&quot; because you're implying that they weren't formally diagnosed and they're just making it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7295" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T13:55:11.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5391" CreationDate="2017-10-16T14:05:02.820" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Only for the people who do this, but prefer to be more like-able socially (I used to make this mistake):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm talking about topics that aren't considered fun by them. I like talking about politics, current events, ethics, philosophy, sociology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt;.  I made this mistake so much in high school and burned so many bridges.  I really kick myself now because many of these people I burned bridges with are awesome people.  For whatever reason, I had to &quot;win&quot; stupid conversations and all I did was lose.  Luckily, by the end of college I had trained myself intentionally to &lt;em&gt;lose&lt;/em&gt; conversations to learn to swallow ego.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandparents used to say &lt;em&gt;never talk about politics or religion&lt;/em&gt; and I know why they do.  But don't talk about anything that creates sides either - that's just as destructive.  This generally means avoid all &lt;em&gt;news&lt;/em&gt;, or if you have to, find something positive from the news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With gossip, yes popular people gossip and I'm not partial to it because I feel it burns bridges.  We all can turn a negative conversation into a positive one. &#xA; Using a crazy Bob who loves electronics as an example, one technique I've learned is to start off by mocking myself and then expressing understanding for Bob's condition and turning it into something positive.  &quot;Bob is crazy because he has two extra rooms full of electronic equipment&quot; turns into, &quot;I am crazy about cars, so I know how it can be to really love something like Bob does, oh and did you see the really cool thing Bob did/had/etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always remember that if you get into the habit of saying negative things about others people will begin to wonder what you say about them when they're not around (destroys trust).  This is why I mock myself, express understanding for the other person being discussed, then talk about something positive.  I have seen it build trust and a persona of others wanting to be around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T14:05:02.820" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5435" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5465" CreationDate="2017-10-16T14:48:27.633" Score="43" ViewCount="10800" Body="&lt;p&gt;Over the last couple of months, I was entrusted by a few people in my workplace with the fact that I was considered a snob by a large part of the staff. That sort of hit a soft spot since I always prided myself about being approachable and able to talk with just about anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to try and fix that, I organized a get-together and invited quite a large chunk of my co-workers. Which helped quite a lot and it gave me a chance to meet new people, get to know some people better and also be a more approachable person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which as you can imagine made me realize that I have very little in common with most of these people. I am constantly asked about topics I have zero interest in and it's quite hard to fake interest when asked about topics you don't follow (who won X cup in Z sport).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I communicate that, although I don't share interests with these people, I still enjoy exchanging pleasantries with them, without going back to being unapproachable?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T16:21:25.880" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T04:01:34.360" Title="How can you distance yourself from people you have nothing in common with without being a snob?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5346" CreationDate="2017-10-16T15:02:44.290" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should suggest a scheduling plan. &quot;I know no one likes these tasks. We all hope someone else will do it. The work must be done and we should split the work evenly.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you make them feel more responsible and I'm sure they will agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Write down&lt;/strong&gt; a plan &lt;strong&gt;together&lt;/strong&gt; when a small task must be done by whom. There are different approaches like &lt;em&gt;time base&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;task count&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;day based&lt;/em&gt; and many more. &lt;strong&gt;Together&lt;/strong&gt; you will find the best solution how to schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T15:02:44.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5326" CreationDate="2017-10-16T15:07:40.360" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I dont' think you request will come off as rude if you are genuinely concerned about her health and if you make &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; concern the focus of your request. But it has to be a genuine request, so be prepared to get &quot;no&quot; as an answer (or else it will be a demand, not a request). Also, focus on the issue that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are having with her health and diet, don't make it about an alleged problem of &lt;em&gt;hers&lt;/em&gt;. Something &lt;a href=&quot;https://books.google.at/books?id=A3qACgAAQBAJ&amp;amp;lpg=PT119&amp;amp;ots=ch-gOlqUh2&amp;amp;dq=Sharing%20Fears%20About%20a%20Best%20Friend%E2%80%99s%20Smoking&amp;amp;pg=PT119#v=onepage&amp;amp;q&amp;amp;f=false&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;along these lines&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know, we've talked about this before, but listen. I'm really scared that your weight is going to make you sick or even kill you sooner or later. You know I love you, and I love you no matter what your weight is. I just can't stand the thought of losing you. Do you think we can talk about some ways for you (us) to lose some weight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T15:07:40.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-16T15:09:52.270" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find that with colleagues, &quot;Hey, what did you do at the weekend?&quot; is a really good start. If you pay close attention to what they say, e.g. do they mention a significant other? A dog? A child? A hobby? and put in the effort to remember it, then you can ask them about it at a later date. This is what makes for popular people in the workplace and the air of approachability. You can build a good picture of a person that way and you can think to yourself &quot;Oh, that's Janet, she has three children and a dog&quot; which turns into &quot;Hey Janet, how are the kids?&quot; for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please bear in mind this next part is not an entirely authentic approach but it does work for the workplace. What I've found is that it really helps to learn a little bit about what they're interested in and to try and give both you and them an equal platform to talk about your interests. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, at work I talk to a guy on a regular basis who enjoys football. Now, I don't know a thing about football, but I take a couple of minutes every now and then to brush up on some teams that I know he cares about so that I can at least fake it. Think the IT Crowd's &quot;Bluffball&quot;. This could apply to any of their interests that they've talked to you about. If you spend some time asking them questions (&quot;What's your favourite team?&quot; &quot;How did the game go?&quot; etc.) they'll be more inclined to like you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to get people to enjoy your company is to take an interest in them and listen to them talk. This doesn't just mean &lt;em&gt;hear&lt;/em&gt; them talk, this means ask them questions and &lt;strong&gt;remember the answers&lt;/strong&gt; so that you can bring up the topics that interest them at a later date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2242" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T15:09:52.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T15:10:16.963" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest following @OldPadawan's answer as the most polite way to tell your coworkers not to bless you every time you sneeze. That said, you need to be prepared for the fact that for a lot of people, saying &quot;Bless you&quot; or &quot;Gesundheit&quot; after a sneeze is such an ingrained response that it becomes almost as involuntary as sneezing itself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much as some people who are accustomed to using curse words struggle not to use them in situations where they are not appropriate, your coworkers may struggle to comply with this simple request not to bless you after a sneeze. Some will stop right away, and some will keep doing it and not even realize they had done it unless you point it out to them each time, at which point they will start policing themselves and eventually train themselves out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'm not sure there is a 'one time' thing you can say to your coworkers to stop this habit, it will be something you have to politely nudge them about when they do it, which you may or may not want to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7303" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T15:10:16.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5346" CreationDate="2017-10-16T15:10:22.797" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A group can't live without a leader. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if there isn't a &quot;boss&quot; you can convince them to do the right thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be serious and responsible they will hear you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make a list and assign tasks by choosing all together, someone will be disponible for sure&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3858" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T15:10:22.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5441" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-16T15:11:25.823" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Proactively ask them about topics you think you both might enjoy.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than telling them that you don't enjoy talking about a topic  It may be a better idea to come up with a couple topics that you enjoy, that you think they might enjoy as well.  The next time you run into them you can ask a question about one of the topics on your list and see if the person &quot;bits the hook&quot; so to speak.  If they answer the question and want to keep talking about that topic viola you've found something you have in common that you can talk about.  If you they change the topic or otherwise don't seem interested then try out a new topic the next time you see them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may take some time and some effort but after a while you'll have discovered a whole bunch of topics that you all can talk about and enjoy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;though you should be aware that compromise is one of the hallmarks of a healthy human relationship, of any sort.  Sometimes you are going to need to talk about something you don't have much if any interest in  simply because it is important to the other person. I've found that listening to boring topics occasionally is one of the sacrifices we humans have to make to have friends.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T16:09:22.787" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T16:09:22.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-16T15:14:11.510" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also had similar problems. The most occuring topic for me were soccer-themes. For sports it always worksfor me, to tell my dialogue-partner that I have really no idea about this topic, because I'm just not interested in (soccer). Answering like this also shows, that it's nothing personal and no one can judge you about not beeing interested in specific topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thats an honest answer and I never had the feeling it was considered passive-aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also you have the great oppurtunity to refer to the get-together in case you get misunderstood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T15:14:11.510" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5443" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5449" CreationDate="2017-10-16T15:15:44.783" Score="16" ViewCount="5840" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the company I'm in we always go to eat a meal together at a restaurant very near to our office. This has been so for a very long time I have been told. I'm pretty new. I've worked there for about a month now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really like the idea of socializing and spending some &quot;free time&quot; together as it enhances the work climate, which is btw very good. Everyone seems to like each other and everyone, even the bosses (we are a small company with 9 people, including 3 bosses) are very approachable and down to earth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Except on the days when some key figures join the meal, or there are a lot of people (almost everyone from the company) the table is very very quiet. No one seems to have topics to talk about with each other and sometimes there are even meals where almost no words are spoken. That doesn't happen all too often but sometimes it does and it's really uncomfortable for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to change that. I would say that I'm really not too bad with small talk, sometimes I talk for an hour straight without even having met them before, like when getting a ride between my hometown and where I live with people I don't know. But during the meal, I sometimes get the impression that they are so stuck in this being quiet and not talking much that it seems as though they don't WANT to talk and just look at their phones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm the new apprentice, so I can't talk too much about technical stuff (programming) and sometimes politics or sports comes up, but after 2 minutes it's quiet again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I approach this, or help the table culture so we have flowing talks? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T14:08:34.407" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T14:08:34.407" Title="Silent/Awkward meal with coworkers" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5446" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T15:59:48.140" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you find saying &quot;thank you&quot; to be annoying, just &lt;strong&gt;don't say it anymore&lt;/strong&gt;, especially if you are not already in a conversation with the other person.  It's not strictly required and many people will be more comfortable with not getting a response than having to remember you're an exception to the general social rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you could recognize that the other person is saying that out of concern for you and your health, and appreciate that they care about you at that human level, even if it is a simple gesture.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I usually only thank people when they really helped me out in a matter and that's also when I expect other people to thank me.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Showing gratitude much more often, even for minor things, is often helpful to building good relationships and even for your own well-being.  The interaction could even strengthen your immune system a tiny bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, giving people that little bit of social reward for helping you out even a bit can leave an impression that even the little things they do for you are appreciated, motivating them to do more rather than less, and those little things can turn out to be quite valuable sometimes.  So, there may not be as many downsides as you might think in a few extra opportunities to say &quot;thanks.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T15:59:48.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-16T16:07:58.770" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the key:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am constantly asked about topics I have zero interest in and it's quite hard to fake interest when asked about topics you don't follow&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some level people just won't take to this attitude; it comes across as dismissive.  So...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The easy part&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some thoughts on this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use topics you dislike as a bridge to topics you do like.  Someone starts talking football; liken it to military strategy and see if someone bites.  Someone starts talking knitting; liken it to the amazing work of weaver birds and see if someone bites.  Y'see, conversation topics work best if they're mutual.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't be shy about bringing up topics &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; like.  You might have some ready in the back of your mind before you go to event X.  Do note that mutual thing from above; be willing to accept a deflection yourself!  You might also check out your local &quot;weird news&quot;; those are typically entertaining and get good traction.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be aware of the nature of the gathering.  That is, the &quot;lighter&quot; the gathering, the more gradually you'll have to nudge into somber, weighty topics.  That is to say, you can't open with Marcus Aurelius.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The hard part&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that topics you aren't interested in may have more depth to them than you realize.  Say you don't like baseball, or highway policy.  If these topics are running strong in a party, &lt;em&gt;listen&lt;/em&gt; a bit.  There often is something interesting hidden in there.  Ex:  I am not much for baseball -- I'll admit it.  But I've had people explain to me the strategies the teams use, and which of the stats are the most meaningful, and it was actually pretty neat.  Fair warning -- they might just win you over!  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that people respond to your taking an interest in them; that includes taking an interest in what they're talking about.  Even if it's a little difficult at first, it pays off.  And, per above point, you may well find some hidden gems in &quot;Blah Topic X&quot;.  A good general question about a hobby you don't find interesting is: &quot;Hmm ... what is it about this that draws your interest?&quot;  You'll get the highlight reel.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be grateful that someone pointed out to you that you come across as a snob.  It's not lightly done, as people are reluctant to get into those kind of conversations.  You likely &lt;strong&gt;are&lt;/strong&gt; coming across poorly, and need to address it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't think about all this in terms of &quot;topics I have zero interest in&quot;.  That's a bad approach.  Think in terms of &quot;how can I &lt;strong&gt;find&lt;/strong&gt; the interest in this topic&quot;, or &quot;how can I link it to something I like better&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short-short&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take an interest in the &lt;strong&gt;people&lt;/strong&gt; around you.  The specific topics are secondary, really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:  I am really not kidding about the &quot;hidden depths&quot; thing.  I was cornered at a party by a guy who was really into -- wait for it -- traffic.  Who cares about traffic, right?  But I muffled my whimper of agony and persisted, and guess what?  &lt;strong&gt;It's pretty frikkin amazing.&lt;/strong&gt;  The complexity of the topic -- how to minimize bottlenecks, flow theory, standing waves -- bowled me over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="527" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T17:24:10.740" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T17:24:10.740" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5448" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5391" CreationDate="2017-10-16T16:19:57.680" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you find gossip distasteful, uninteresting, and/or hurtful to the people it targets, you do not have to gossip. It sounds to me like your question is really about how to better engage in small-talk.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally hate talking about politics, it makes me anxious and I am often surrounded by people whose politics do not agree with my own. Sometimes, however, I am forced to hang out with people like my brother-in-law, who is fascinated by politics and will keep trying to turn the conversation to current events. Similarly, in your case, people keep turning the conversation to gossip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find the best thing to do is to head this off at the pass by starting the conversation with something that interests you, or asking people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves, their own interests and hobbies, and if you can find something in common to discuss, like a show, or a book, you'll show to them that you aren't 'haughty' as you put it, and that you do share some common interests. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, once they turn the conversation to something you don't like to talk about (gossip, or politics), if you don't engage, or try to change the topic, they will see that some things you like to talk about and some you don't, and polite people will steer back to things that interest you, to keep you engaged in the conversation. Impolite or rude people will disregard your discomfort and continue to gossip. If that's the case, well, you shouldn't worry too much about the opinions of people who don't respect yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7307" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T16:19:57.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5443" CreationDate="2017-10-16T16:44:38.057" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like the people in the office are generally friendly with one another, but have difficulty navigating an environment where they are more or less speaking to an audience. Beginning a conversation at a quiet table can be nerve-wracking because the first words spoken will be the focus of the entire group's attention. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My preferred tactic in this type of situation is to bite the bullet and be the first to speak, BUT I try to make it easier on myself by sitting next to a coworker whom I know I share some prefabricated topic of discussion. The easiest examples would be a person that I know shares a hobby with me. It doesn't matter if the rest of the table can join in on this conversation, that isn't the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is to split the attention of the group, and make it easier for others to begin their own conversations with less pressure. This can be awkward, and isn't foolproof, but if you can keep your small conversation going until the social dam breaks, the momentum should carry the group through the rest of the meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7151" LastEditorUserId="7151" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T17:21:37.723" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T17:21:37.723" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5314" CreationDate="2017-10-16T17:00:36.590" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This whole situation is a little unusual, but perhaps something worth addressing as payphones/land-lines become less common. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To start with, this other person is clearly imposing on both you, and the rest of the library. This isn't inherently wrong if his situation is desperate, but he cannot expect any real degree of continued engagement without at least a decent explanation of WHY he needs the phone so badly. You also shouldn't have to ask for an explanation by the second time this person approaches you for the phone, it should be offered freely as means of apology for the imposition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they aren't making the effort to mitigate the imposition, you shouldn't feel pressured to go above and beyond. The easiest way to end the confrontation without being rude or hurting anyone's feelings would be to tell them that your phone just died, apologize, and turn back to your work. If your phone isn't already silenced (it really should be, being in a library and all) I might go so far as to step into the bathroom to turn it off or silence it. That may be my own neurosis peeking through, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7151" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T17:00:36.590" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5420" CreationDate="2017-10-16T17:03:04.353" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are 2 separate issues here: the diet and the lying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) If you're visiting someone, you eat what they serve. It's not a restaurant that you can order food. You don't get to be picky. Same goes when they visit you, they don't get to demand a meat meal. Your dietary choices are your problem, don't make it other people's problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) The other issue is lying. You asked, they agreed, they lied. There are no excuses for that even without making you sick. The fact that it made you sick makes point #1 questionable. We don't really know enough to judge them. Maybe they agreed happily, planning to lie from the beginning. Maybe you were grinding them for months and they've finally buckled in and lied to get you off their backs. But the point is that it doesn't matter for the end result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't wish to eat there anymore like this, but they are direct family and obviously my partner does not want a fight with his parents. His solution was to just bring Tupperware with our own food or only to invite them to our place and have us cook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's actually how you solve this kind of things. If your lifestyles are incompatible, it's better to dial down contact rather than engage in a cold war. It's not a fight, it's a fact - you just can't eat there. Make shorter visits that doesn't involve eating or go out together to a place where both parties can order something they're comfortable with. Weaning takes many forms and levels, this is one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel like we should be able to discuss this as adults to adults. I don't feel that lying about these kinds of things is a very adult decision. What would be the best approach to discuss this without it escalating? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, from my point #1 it's not an adult thing to come to someone's home and have demands. Even if that's parent's home. It's not an adult thing to lie about what was actually served either. I don't really think there is a room for discussion. However you present it, either as you stopping pressuring them to cater to your needs or you holding them accountable for what they did, the end result is same: you don't eat what they cook. It's not end of the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The actual compromise would be both sides stepping back a bit: you accepting some meat, they accepting no milk. But I don't think it's possible here. Elimination diet is pretty much defeated by weekly breaches and veganism is perceived as a kind of cult by non-vegans. You sound like a moderate person, but it doesn't stop the other side from perceiving you through the &quot;weird vegan&quot; stereotype. I'm only talking about veganism, even though you carefully avoided the word, because the stereotypes about vegans still affect you, even if you're not identifying with the movement. Parent's insistence on not changing their cooking once a week may stem from them seeing it as defending their lifestyle against alien culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or they might be just picky eaters. Like my father-in-law who eats pretty much 3-4 things and wouldn't even try anything else. For this reason alone, my mother-in-law is very rigid when it comes to menu. They're more stubborn than kids and they have the means to have it their way. It took my wife many years to learn that it's not even worth trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a person who's making their signature dish in a same way for decades, asking to substitute an ingredient usually is a grave offense. They'll fight defending the original recipe. The soy milk could be that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is also another angle of you &quot;driving&quot; your partner away from his mother. He used to like her cooking, now &quot;you've made him&quot; reject it. That's subconscious insult to every mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For all reasons, I suggest trying the neutral ground of a restaurant or takeout food for a while. It can make everyone cool down and open up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T17:10:29.370" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T17:10:29.370" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5452" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T17:34:21.757" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my coworkers has a habit of saying &quot;thank you&quot; immediately after he sneezes! It's a shocking twist that some find funny, some find rude and some (like me) find it absolutely infuriating. By saying the &quot;thank you&quot; himself, he doesn't give anyone a chance to say &quot;bless you&quot;. It doesn't really serve your purpose of not thanking for nothing, but it immediately raises questions (and often a heated discussion*) about the point of having the custom in the first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a very controversial method, but it makes people aware of the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I know it's not an actual answer for you, but I think it's worth mentioning for someone else.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*mandatory point in such discussion is an anecdote/urban legend about university teacher who sneezed during the lecture and when someone said &quot;bless you&quot; from the audience, broke into a tirade about how saying &quot;bless you&quot; is a low-class custom and people from upper classes just ignore the sneeze with dignity. OFC another student stood up and asked the audience how many high-borns are present and from the absence of any concluded that it's the professor who's wrong, as among peasants, peasant customs should be observed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T17:34:21.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T17:47:57.743" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easy answer to this is to simply not reply &quot;thanks.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Responding to sneezes with something akin to &quot;bless you&quot; is a subconscious response in many people.  It is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; hard to suppress such responses, so if you want them to never say &quot;bless you,&quot; you're actually asking for quite a lot, psychologically.  However, as a general rule (which may be different in your country), you aren't required to respond with &quot;thank you.&quot;  You can ignore them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel wrong ignoring them, perhaps just give them a little nod, or just eye contact.  A little gesture may fulfill this social contract for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T17:47:57.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3994" CreationDate="2017-10-16T18:33:04.133" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;And just why do your friends order takeout so often?  Because they obviously (to me, anyway) &lt;em&gt;have more money than time.&lt;/em&gt;  You have more time than money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reciprocation in this case would not consist of spending an equal amount of money, but rather providing an equal number of meals.  So let them know in advance that dinner's on you that night, and have it 90% prepared by the time they arrive.  Since they like pizza/kebabs/soda/fries, stick with that, at least in the beginning.  Later on, you can get more creative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One advantage to takeout is that when the store answers the phone, they ask what you want, and you tell them.  No surprises.  So get to know what they want, and be flexible.  (With pizza, you could always make pieces with different toppings, and give them first choice of what to have.  Choose the toppings so you and your BF can eat what they won't.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This all reminds me of the Friends episode where the monied ones always want to celebrate by going out to a restaurant, &quot;someplace nice&quot;, and the other three are worried that they will have to chew on cardboard for meals the next three days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T18:33:04.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T18:40:39.567" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Don't suck it up and say 'so kind of you'.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Staying silent is not an option. Sooner or later somone will take ofence thinking you ignored her, even if you did not.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Explaining that you don't need the blessings only works in theory. No matter how you word it there will eventually be someone who takes ofence at what he perceives as being told &amp;quot;not to do what he just did&amp;quot;. Besides, the ultra-casual &amp;quot;conversation&amp;quot; which happens around a sneeze is not the place to discuss such things.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Saying thanks is a bad option. Sucking up things eventually builds up and might sour you. Only resort to it if it is unavoidable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By saying something like 'so kind of you'(*) you avoid the ice wall of silence. You don't give undeserved thanks for unhelpful blessings. Nobody will feel ignored neither offended. And when you eventually discuss this issue, maybe taking a coffee with your coworkers at a break, you have a starting point much better than &amp;quot;I always say thanks but I'd rather not be blessed&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(*)Actually I would say 'muy amable' in spanish which roughly translates as 'so kind of you'. But 'muy amable' is a very common expression in spanish so it does not stand out. I don't know what the equivalent in other languages would be but surely there is some common expression where you acknowledges someone is kind without thanking that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4321" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T18:40:39.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5459" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1456" CreationDate="2017-10-16T19:10:39.530" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to have a reaction like yours. I'd explain that I didn't like babies and etcetera. The baby remained just as popular; my popularity declined. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With age I realized my remarks failed that wonderful test of &quot;Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said right now? Does this need to be said right now, by Me?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm still terribly uncomfortable around very new babies, but I've found a workaround. Now I focus on the parent and ask open-ended questions like &quot;Who does baby look most like? Have the grandparents been to visit/ done Skype with you yet?&quot; kind of thing. Parents welcome the direct attention and enjoy basking in their significant accomplishment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's that invitation (sometimes forcefully repeated!) that I hold the baby, I'll say I'm feeling a bit unwell, or that I'm enjoying looking at parent and child, and offer to photograph the two together. If you stay engaged as you move the interaction forward, no one will notice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7265" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T19:10:39.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3994" CreationDate="2017-10-16T19:30:57.080" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like a lovely and treasured friendship. They are enjoying your hospitality; maybe they feel it's an equal exchange. I noted you saying your boyfriend owes the other man money, and you're uncomfortable. Make this a priority to begin paying it back -even in small amounts. If the other man protests, make a joke like &quot;I may want to borrow it again!&quot; or some such that moves the conversation forward. You'll all feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7265" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T19:30:57.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4147" CreationDate="2017-10-16T20:13:03.057" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's clear that your friend would like to continue storing his possessions at the residence, but does not want to pay for internet service that he doesn't use.  If your friend really doesn't sleep at or use the residence anymore, then I would say that's a reasonable request.  He may very well be contributing to his girlfriend's rent or utility bills, and it may be breaking his budget to pay bills at two residences.  Splitting the bills equally is really only fair if, on average, everyone is using the utilities equally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if one roommate is constantly running up the electricity bill by running power tools all the time, it would be reasonable for the other roommates to request that the electricity bill be split proportionally based on usage.  If one roommate is running up the water bill by washing their car every day, it would be reasonable for the others to request that the water bill be split proportionally.  If one roommate is constantly saturating the internet connection by torrenting (and seeding) movies and TV shows, it would be reasonable to request that they pay a higher proportion of the internet bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your original agreement with your friend was based in part on the assumption that all three of you would be making similar use of each of the utilities, and you arranged for the utilities to be split in a way that was equitable and easy to manage.  Since your friend no longer lives there, this assumption no longer holds true.  Your friend is only occupying space at the residence, but is not using internet, electricity, water, etc.  The key here is that your agreement was formed under the assumption that your friend would be living at the residence, and that is no longer the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In his view, he is being forced to subsidize your internet, electricity, and water usage, and he's right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your view, your friend is backing out of an agreement, and you're right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact is, circumstances have changed.  Your friend is not willing to pay an equal share of utility services that he isn't using.  You want him to continue paying for utilities that he isn't using.  These two positions aren't reconcilable.  One or both of you are going to have to budge.  Your question makes no mention of whether your friend wants to stop paying rent, so I'm operating under the assumption that he is still willing to pay his share of the rent.  In essence, when you formed your agreement, your friend bet that he would be living at the residence for the duration of the lease, and that your utility usage and your girlfriend's utility usage would be comparable to his over that period of time.  This turned out to be a bad bet, and now you're benefiting at his expense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a few different options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cut him out of the rental agreement, and find a new roommate.  This will likely be the end of your friendship, and it may cost you in the form of higher rent until you can find a new roommate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Insist that he pay an equal share of the utility bills, despite the fact that he doesn't contribute to their usage.  This will likely be the end of your friendship, and you risk having him sabotage your internet by simply cancelling the service or letting the bill lapse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer to compromise and allow him to pay some minimal flat rate towards utilities - it would cost some amount to keep the water hooked up and the climate controlled even if nobody were living there, and it would be reasonable for him to pay 1/3 of this amount.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Grant him his request to stop contributing money to the utility bills and change the internet bill over to your name, with the understanding that if he goes back to living there, he will have to pay an equal share of the utilities again.  Continue splitting rent 3 ways.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which option you choose depends on how much you value your friendship.  Even if there's a written agreement requiring him to pay his share of the utilities regardless of whether he's living at the residence, it wouldn't be prudent to insist on enforcing it if you want to preserve your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice: reevaluate your premise, and try to see things from his perspective.  Then seek out a solution that is agreeable for both of you.  I think you'll find that it's much easier to discuss this with your friend if you're offering to concede something rather than refusing to budge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6722" LastEditorUserId="6722" LastEditDate="2017-10-16T20:26:53.673" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T20:26:53.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T20:29:53.723" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No need to say thank you&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many other phrases you can say that don't encourage the blessings but also aren't rude. Depending on the situation try on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wheewww, that was a big one&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Uggghh, I think I feel another one coming&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Flu/pollen season sure is a pain.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Excuse me / Pardon me / Sorry.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also probably get away with just a &quot;miserable grunt&quot; especially if you've had several sneezes in a row. Blowing your nose also can work as @yohohoho mentions in comments.  Additionally or instead a &quot;smile and nod&quot; can also work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastEditorUserId="389" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T14:37:59.893" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T14:37:59.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-16T21:00:26.153" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you find it uncomfortable to reply with a thank you it will not make it stop. To make it stop you could ignore it altogether, but I would advise caution as it may be perceived as rude. However, it may depend on whether the person knows you enough to understand that you are already kind, so it is likely he will not take it out of context. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to avoid taking a risk, you could also try to reply in a less engaging way. For instance, you could try &quot;reply&quot; with a node or a smile. I would be surprised if this would be thought of as a rude reply, and I think it will be less encouraging to their behavior. Also, you could try to make this incrementally to the point you almost not engage with them at all, however it will appear more smooth compared to you stopping cold turkey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course the two previous possible ways to deal with the situation depend on how much the other person knows you and it will be a judgement call which one to use. Also, another important parameter is whether you happen to encounter with that person a lot. If that is the case it would always be possible to manage to mention it in a non awkward way. And otherwise, maybe it is not worth your time to find a delicate way to deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Final thoughts, personally I would try to reply with a node or a smile as I would find it less distracting and less energy consuming and showing them that I appreciate their sentiment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7319" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T21:00:26.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-16T21:25:18.803" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will throw this answer out there. Though it's almost the exact opposite of what your asking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Embrace your inner snob&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These days society tells us that we need to be pleasant and have lots of friends. That we can and should measure a person's (or even our own) happiness and success though the sheer quantity of friends we have. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well they are wrong. Many successful people were thought of as rude, rough, and snobbish. Though harder to prove, I submit that you can be happier with 1 or 2 people you can have a deep personal friendship with then 100 - 200 people you have a &quot;passing friendship&quot; with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now your goal of being approachable is a good one, and I am not trying to say that you turtle up into a tight ball and never talk to someone that doesn't share the exact same interests as you. That's no way to grow your self, and that's also important for happiness. However, trying to please a large population of people, to  get them to like you, or even to get them to not-dislike you, well that's never going to work out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I do not advocate trying to reach out on unwanted subjects, or to try to bear with it on subjects you don't like. Instead, embrace your snob and try to welcome others to your subjects. Like playing video games, organise a &quot;lan party&quot; (do people do that any more, seems not). Want to talk about letter spacing in fonts, invite co-workers to a seminar on the subject.  Want to have a deep conversation about soil erosion at your favorite beach, then get a party together to do just that.  You may not get many people showing up, but at least you're approachable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example, a porty-potty is always approachable. Doesn't mean I want to approach it. If you're approachable, bu no one wants to tag along, that's their problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other side is that the opposite of snob really isn't approachable. I know many approachable snobs.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to hang out with people you have nothing or little in common with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Recap/TheSimpsonsS10E21MontyCantBuyMeLove&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Recap/TheSimpsonsS10E21MontyCantBuyMeLove&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="1655" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T10:03:25.420" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T10:03:25.420" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5420" CreationDate="2017-10-16T22:46:24.687" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The politest way to &lt;em&gt;stress&lt;/em&gt; that you won't eat something is by not eating it&lt;/strong&gt;. I have digestive issues with cow's milk. My children do as well. My wife has issues with that plus others, including gluten and a few other American staples. Eating at other people's house is very difficult, save for a few friends and family that understand our particular needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people will just plain never get it. You have a preference for your diet, which is in contrast with theirs, making it difficult to share the same meals. They take this in a few ways. First, they are offended that you won't eat their food suddenly. You used to eat it. They have served you those meals for years. Next, they feel burdened and disbelief. They say, &quot;Really!? You're allergic to milk now? And you don't eat meat? I'm not going to bend over backwards because your on some trendy diet.&quot; Finally, they disconnect. They &quot;can't figure out your weird diet needs&quot; and they aren't going to try. They stop making things for you altogether or just expect you to eat some of the meal, bring your own, or some other solution that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; came up with. If they reach this point, it will be an issue every now and then, mostly manifested in offense and disbelief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're lucky, they will feel offended, burdened, and disbelief; but instead of disconnected they adapt their menus when they know you will be there, sometimes even making a special entree just for you. And eventually, they understand and no longer feel offense or disbelief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you do? &lt;strong&gt;Don't eat anything you don't want to eat.&lt;/strong&gt; It's pretty simple, really. Ask your hosts (not just the subjects of this post), &quot;Is this made with cow's milk?&quot; If trust is now an issue, because they don't believe you and don't think you'll notice if it is made with cow's milk, look in their fridge for evidence of not cow's milk. When lacking, just don't eat it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, you need to be frank, not polite. Call them out. You aren't on a trendy diet; milk really does affect you negatively and you have a right to not feel like crap. Ask &quot;Did you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; use soy? Because last time, it didn't taste like soy and I got sick, so I don't really believe you.&quot; Depending on the kind of person they are, they may double down or fess up. You'll have to play that by ear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Strong relationships are built on an appropriate measure of politeness and frankness. Polite in this instance is simply not eating anything that you know or believe has milk in it. Frankness is calling out the lies when you find them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, &lt;strong&gt;keep perspective&lt;/strong&gt;. You can't eat milk without negative affects. You don't really want to eat meat. These are personal choices that frankly do burden the ones around you. So you better be extremely grateful when hosts do accommodate your wishes. Also understand that they may be hurt that you won't eat their food. Sometimes assurance is the best route, or &quot;I'm sorry, I'd like to try it, but milk doesn't agree with me&quot;. Sometimes you just ignore it and they'll get over it. Worst case scenario, you have a light meal and need to top off when you get home. &lt;strong&gt;Don't make or let this get bigger than it really is.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5547" LastActivityDate="2017-10-16T22:46:24.687" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5467" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-17T01:24:20.083" Score="9" ViewCount="728" Body="&lt;p&gt;Frequently, when I am just about to leave my workplace, my co-worker asks me to pass him something that he needs (to do his work) about 5 minutes before work time ends. Sometimes, I do not have it ready at hand. And I do not want to keep him waiting for my work before he can do his. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will be in a very stressful situation and because of that, I am unable to go home on time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell him to let me know earlier what he needs so that I will be able to get it done before work ends and pass it to him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7327" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T10:20:26.460" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T22:45:46.680" Title="How to tell co-worker not to ask me do last minute work?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-17T02:43:13.147" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short Version : It's not a menu.  You can't pick just the bits &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want and leave the rest.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In order to try and fix that [perception as snobish], I organized a get-together and invited quite a large chunk of my co-workers. Which helped quite a lot and it gave me a chance to meet new people, get to know some people better and also be a more approachable person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One swallow doth not a summer make. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you did was have one event, which may break the ice a little, but it's not going to achieve anything lasting unless you engage with people frequently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Which as you can imagine made me realize that I have very little in common with most of these people. I am constantly asked about topics I have zero interest in and it's quite hard to fake interest when asked about topics you don't follow (who won X cup in Z sport).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two ways to look at the &lt;em&gt;necessity&lt;/em&gt; to do this :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;People appreciate it when other people take an interest in what they like.  It makes them feel that the other person regards their happiness as important. But if you don't make an effort, then you will seem disinterested in their well being.  That's just how people work - including you.  So it's a way of displaying your hopefully genuine empathy for your associates.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can cynically take the view that to make them like you, you need to show you like them.  That means laughing at jokes you don't find funny, smiling with people, listening attentively and asking engaging questions about their lives.  The cynical view is that you're investing effort and hoping for a reward.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I communicate that although I don't share interests with these people, I still enjoy exchanging pleasantries with them, without going back to being unapproachable ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not a menu.  You can't pick just the bits &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want and leave the rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to make the effort consistently and on an ongoing basis to get them to think of you differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The correct mindset to approach this with, IMO, is that you learn to enjoy making other people happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally have found that if you engage with people in this way there are several benefits :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They like it and that makes me reasonably good company for them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They respect me for showing an interest in their lives (that will never be said explicitly, BTW).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I hear lots of things and learn lots of stuff.  I like that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's really not hard work after you get into it and it becomes second nature.  Practice makes perfect.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People are more likely to put up with my many little foibles and obsessions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Women flock to me like I was made of gold.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, the last one is delusional. :-)  But it doesn't do me any harm with members of the opposite sex, that's for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you have to learn to like doing these things and it is possible to both enjoy it and benefit from this initially hard work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T02:43:13.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5391" CreationDate="2017-10-17T03:40:19.533" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not a sociologist, but it seems to me that gossip is a method of generating social cohesion by talking about shared acquaintances and experiences. So: do you know the people they are gossiping about? If so, maybe you can contribute something about that person to the discussion--not a negative thing, but some small anecdote that shows &amp;quot;Yes, I know this person too.&amp;quot; For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember Katie. We used to play in the park together when we were kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John? Is that the man who lives on the corner of 3rd and Oak? I never see him much, but I go past there on my way to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went to high school with Will's little sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't have to be anything significant or even especially positive; it's just a way of saying, &amp;quot;I know the same people you know. I am part of your community.&amp;quot; You've made an effort to participate, and that may be all that's required. (Your tone is important too: if you make your contribution in a bored voice while picking at your fingernails, it won't be received well.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Certainly, you can send up an occasional trial balloon to see if someone wants talk about something you're interested in. Just keep in mind that they can't converse about it unless they are interested in it too. You might have to try different subjects for a while before finding common ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I like books, but some of my acquaintances have never read for pleasure. Okay, maybe there are some movies we've both seen.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;Your cousin lives in [place]? I know somebody from there.&amp;quot; Or: &amp;quot;I've never been there. Have you gone to visit? What's it like?&amp;quot; (Even something that you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; have in common can be a conversation starter!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If all else fails, the weather is a time-honored topic for smalltalk. It's something that you automatically have in common with the other person, by virtue of being alive at the same place and time. I like to talk about how the weather affects me personally: &amp;quot;I'm going for a bike ride tomorrow,&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;I like rain, as long as it isn't too cold,&amp;quot; or even &amp;quot;I would enjoy this neighborhood barbecue more if it weren't so windy!&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, keep in mind that these groups of people may never give you the conversational stimulation you need. That's fine; it's what you have friends for. As Chloe points out in the comments, you probably have a personality difference to navigate. Talking to people with different outlooks and priorities is important, but it's draining. So make sure to recharge your batteries by getting together with a friend later and talking politics, ethics, and philosophy to your heart's content.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6161" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T03:40:19.533" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5391" CreationDate="2017-10-17T06:16:34.353" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know exactly how you feel because I am just like that myself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm talking about topics that aren't considered fun by them. I like talking about politics, current events, ethics, philosophy, sociology. [...] They are talking about topics that I'm not interested in at all. (you said it @Tinkeringbell.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am also extremely introverted and simply dislike such social situations. But some events can't be avoided can they!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The eminently sensible answer of @&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/6161/dlosc&quot;&gt;DLosc&lt;/a&gt; made the most important point about the purpose or 'social function' of gossip:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not a sociologist, but it seems to me that gossip is a method of generating social cohesion by talking about shared acquaintances and experiences. --DLosc&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, &lt;em&gt;I am&lt;/em&gt; a sociologist and @DLosc is absolutely right in this assessment of gossip. I have found myself in such social situations and these are my strategies to navigate the evening:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the event can't be avoided I try to relax and enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I try to find one person who matches my temperament and shares my interests. Then you can talk to them and 'around them' to the group without giving an aloof impression.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be a good listener.&lt;/strong&gt; Is that &lt;em&gt;so cliche?&lt;/em&gt; But you can use it to advantage here. Since you don't like to gossip, simply be an attentive member of the audience! Body language can be used to indicate 'active listening' as 'part of the circle.'&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I often ask these people who are usually my relatives and friends, how their children are doing. In my experience they will then start talking enthusiastically about their own families and themselves, and you can just relax and think about that answer you are going to later go home and write on IPS meta.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I mainly struggle when they start talking &lt;strong&gt;about me.&lt;/strong&gt; That's stressful but I try to deflect the conversation back to &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; (works well) or to a general topic. If you don't mind talking about yourself then you hold the advantage here. You can easily control the flow of conversation around yourself and they will just love it!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Remember you are not obliged to engage in distasteful gossip to satisfy their social expectations. Deal with them in your own distinctive manner -- be firm and courteous; &lt;strong&gt;smile a lot&lt;/strong&gt; because smiling is very submissive, friend-making social behavior that helps you here; and if somebody irritates you, don't leave early (because they already complained to your mother that you are haughty) but just &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=+grin+and+bear+it&amp;amp;client=firefox-b&amp;amp;dcr=0&amp;amp;tbm=isch&amp;amp;oq=+grin+and+bear+it&amp;amp;gs_l=mobile-heirloom-serp.12..0l5.2253.2801.0.3725.4.4.0.0.0.0.232.537.2j1j1.4.0....0...1..34.mobile-heirloom-serp..1.3.352.diNnrWWRT4M#null&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;grin and bear it!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; I would give that particular person the big freeze next time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: first time on IPS.SE, I  asked this very similar question about being very reserved and how to avoid being misunderstood as aloof and haughty -- it has some good answers that might be useful in your situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/683/why-is-a-shy-or-reserved-person-often-perceived-as-cold-or-arrogant-also-how-c&quot;&gt;Why is a shy or reserved person often perceived as cold or arrogant; also, how can such an impression be mitigated?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T07:18:28.110" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T07:18:28.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-17T06:46:03.720" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends on your priorities. If you don't care much about making a lot of &quot;lower level&quot; friends or learning a lot of new things just for the sake of learning, then one of the things you could do that has worked out well for me is to be polite but feign only a little interest, usually through vague, generic statements, so as to keep them going for a little bit every time. Make your statements 'final', so to say. Don't bring up anything new or particularly ask about anything, just agree vaguely with them in a way that is less likely for them to continue the conversation. If you do that, most such people will eventually wean off you without any sort of conflict popping up. You'll just be separating the pleasantries from their interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a more personal sidenote, I can't say I agree with the top answer. I don't think there is any inherent value in taking interest in other people outside of being pressured to do so by those around you. Some enjoy it, some don't, and for me personally it often leads to more shallow and less interesting interactions. Maybe that's not too different from you either, and I think that's okay. There's nothing wrong with being seen as a snob. Enjoy the things you do enjoy and seek out others who also do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The value of learning new things and especially taking interest in everyone around you is much too overstated in this day and age. If it, or they, have so little to do with you that they've contributed to you posing this question, why give them more attention than you need to unless you really want to? It doesn't mean you're automatically going to be impolite or rude towards them or anything, because you absolutely don't have to be - the fact that you still want to exchange pleasantries with them and organized that get-together you mentioned shows that you still care about them and getting on well with them, which, especially in a work environment, I think is very welcome. Every person has their limits. While it's good to compromise, if you're happy with what you've got, then that can be good too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cultural differences may come into play here as well depending on the country, as you've tagged your post with &quot;Europe&quot; yet many of the comments and answers I've seen seem to come from people from the US, where being as you are is often seen as being much less socially acceptable. Keep that in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7334" LastEditorDisplayName="user7334" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T07:19:23.727" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T07:19:23.727" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-17T08:10:22.223" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;For some cultures its completely normal and expected, even mandatory to both say bless you and thank you. (mine included)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I first started working in the UK I'd both say bless you and thank you for sneezes. One time i sneezed and I didn't get a bless you, I was so hurt I thought no one respected me. I started keeping track on who got a &quot;bless you&quot; and who didn't. At first it seamed that only the boss got them, but after a while it become apparent that not every sneeze got a comment. I soon understood that this was the norm. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try to communicate it this way to your colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2516" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T08:10:22.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-17T08:27:19.360" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Following the modern &lt;strong&gt;Knigge manners&lt;/strong&gt;, blessing someone with a &quot;Gesundheit&quot; after he sneezes can in fact be interpreted as rude, because it's implying that the sneezing person is seriously ill - which is wrong most of the time. In my opinion, not answering with a polite thanks should do the trick after a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7338" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T08:27:19.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5398" CreationDate="2017-10-17T08:29:38.667" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given your question, you sound like you are well aware of your anxiety.  I would advise going to speak to a medical professional about this.  They might be able to offer you some support and advice on how to better manage these symptoms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But due to her character, previous experiences, and potentially certain mental health issues of her own, she is very afraid of upsetting me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think in any relationship there will be difficulties and differences of opinion.  Perhaps you should suggest to your girlfriend that you are seeking help from other sources.  The fact you've posted on here clearly indicates that!  It sounds like you really like your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've read up a lot on anxiety issues and they tend to arise from negative thinking and a lot of ruminating (over analysing what might go wrong and replaying the situation in your head).  A good therapist specialising in CBT could help here.  A panic attack is pretty much related to a surge of adrenaline&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things that might help in the short term:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't try to seek reassurance from your girlfriend when she goes out alone.  It's outside your control what happens and it's good to learn this.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How confident do you feel in yourself?  Seems your previous bad relationship experience gave you a knock.  Being more comfortable with yourself will almost certainly make you less anxious.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you feel anxious, maybe go do some exercise&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try and eat healthily, your body will function better on a right diet&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe try and solve a difficult problem to take up your time and stop you thinking about the girlfriend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get support from other friends and family.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Read up on mindfullness&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously I don't know you as a person so I still strongly believe you should speak to someone in person.  It's up to you to get better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7337" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T08:29:38.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-17T09:19:21.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Actually rather than worrying about taking an interest in the topic at hand, try to connect to the person - how they are feeling, what they are thinking, what you are thinking / feeling, how does that compare / connect .. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g A guy starts talking about his pet turtle and how he goes back and reads a story to it every night. Instead of thinking, &quot;omfg I have never had a turtle and never will - what do I do to contribute to this conversation?!&quot; .... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Relax&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look at that person - their body language&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listen with your &quot;heart&quot; / emotional center&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Feel&quot; their excitement&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What imagery pops into your mind when you are feeling what they are talking about?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How do you feel when you can feel their feelings (empathising)?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you are &quot;connecting&quot; - you are connecting on an emotional level and you are also connecting in a &quot;headspace&quot; way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next step is to gently share what you are thinking .. maybe you started to think about the airplane collection you had as a kid .. maybe the feelings are similar .. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can gently introduce that into the conversation .. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The topics don't have to match. What really matters is &lt;em&gt;listening&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;connecting via empathy&lt;/em&gt; and eventually &lt;em&gt;sharing&lt;/em&gt; and having a &lt;em&gt;back and forth dialogue&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4490" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T09:19:21.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5391" CreationDate="2017-10-17T11:09:24.150" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have always found this sort of small-talk excruciating. Though I recognise what's been said about it &quot;generating social cohesion&quot;, knowing that has neither made it any easier to do nor any more palatable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There seem to be two different problems with it: one is that I find the contents of small-talk often either too inane or too detrimental to want to participate in. That doesn't necessarily mean that I look down upon those who do, though I can't say that hearing people gossiping about someone else adds to any regard I might have for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other problem is that I'm not very good at it anyhow. It's not that I didn't try: I did, over and over. And, eventually, I found that the whole thing about small-talk is not so much &lt;em&gt;the choice of subjects&lt;/em&gt; (e.g. &quot;you always want to talk about &lt;em&gt;difficult stuff&lt;/em&gt; at parties, that's no fun!&quot;) - it is about the way you communicate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that small-talking is fundamentally different than regular talking. It serves another purpose and follows different rules and patterns. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In small-talking, the subject is completely irrelevant. The true communication that happens with small-talking happens between the lines - it would be interesting to subtitle a small-talk conversation like that :) .&#xA;Like English Student above says, small-talk is about social cohesion. The real talking-between-the-lines is all about group dynamics. It's the sort of thing the cats in our neighbourhood do when they yell at one another in the night - confirming their hierarchical status. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is what is always tripping me up I guess: I always tried to participate in small-talking as if it were a regular chat. It's awkward as hell because it doesn't work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You hit a brick wall almost immediately because, no matter how sensible or empathic your answers might be, if they don't follow the unwritten laws of Social Dynamics they will only meet blank stares. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For one thing, small-talking seems to be highly context-dependent: almost nothing is what it seems on the surface. Other people seem have no problem recognising the right context and decoding what's being said, but it goes way above my head.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is a different game altogether.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By now I have more or less accepted that I don't play that game. &#xA;It's somewhat inconvenient at times, but I never liked that game anyhow. Getting drunk, as someone suggested above, does not work for me at all. Maybe it helps if you are just a bit shy and inhibited, but I found that it makes things only more jarring and difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found that it works for me to not force myself to play that game and not to hate myself for not being equipped with the proper social dynamics hardware ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really like social events at work, because I like most of my colleagues. And of course, not &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; talking at social events is &quot;small talking&quot; (or gossiping). I try and get to know people on a 1-to-1 base and have chats with them, and over time there is enough interaction happening anyhow to make you feel part of the whole. &#xA;Of course, this might not work everywhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But do realise that even if you really can't do small-talking, there are other (and IMO infinitely more rewarding) ways to interact with others than that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7341" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T11:09:24.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5481" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-17T11:16:30.743" Score="21" ViewCount="3847" Body="&lt;p&gt;Due to my conditions as Aspie, I noticed quite a few times, in working environments, that I have a big communication barrier when it comes to task assignments. Most of the time, I have to work on a project multiple times, as the assignment was meant differently as I understood it. The main problem here is that I'm failing to understand the scope. Or I'm not aware of solutions for problems I just encounter while work is in progress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A classical (but technical) example that should demonstrate it quite well. I once was designing a visual analyzing tool in Qt. One of my written tasks read like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Visualizing the main graph in a Qt frame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my project had an additional Qt frame object to be added, as I was new to Qt, I looked up the capabilities of that specific Qt frame object, found that it is able to initialize as an OpenGL frame (what technically, as I know now, works differently as the Qt one). So I realized the whole feature with an OpenGL frame, loaded into the Qt frame. Afterwards my boss wasn't so happy, as he dig up the written assignment and told me, how I can come up with using an OpenGL frame, if we wrote down &quot;in a Qt frame&quot;, probably this is the common sense I'm missing, as I can't understand how using an OpenGL frame as feature of the Qt frame, violates &quot;Visualizing the main graph in a Qt frame.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, I get the following advice: &quot;&lt;em&gt;But if you aren't sure, just ask!&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. But I was sure. I wasn't aware that the Qt frame had other means to solve this problem. I just found a way to solve my problem, that respects (supposedly) the requirements. So why should I go on searching for other means to solve it? And if doing so generally, how would I know, when I found the best solution and can stop looking for others?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I make sure having understood a task correct, where I lack the experience to know what ways are available to solve the task and my boss thinks he is clear enough in his wording?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T16:17:10.333" LastActivityDate="2018-06-23T14:21:53.573" Title="How to make sure I understood a work assignment correctly?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;tasks&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="19" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5481" CreationDate="2017-10-17T11:51:07.320" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;When your boss wrote &quot;Visualizing the main graph in a Qt frame&quot; he probably had a clear idea of how he wanted you to do that, but you can't read his mind. Also, the statement is very short and terse, prone to misinterpretation. Don't blame your Aspergers too much here, everyone would probably be scratching their heads on this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you could have asked for clarification, like &quot;Did you already think about a way to code this? If so please tell, it will save me time.&quot; or &quot;What would be your preferred way to implement this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case the boss would spend 5 minutes to write a more detailed description of your task, saving you several hours in research, which is a good tradeoff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also force yourself to come up with two solutions. Having Asperger could make this a bit awkward, but please hang on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here you found a solution with an OpenGL frame. Write a short description of it using your own words while it's fresh, then push it away to the back of your mind, and look for another solution, dig into the docs, it's OK to ask your colleagues (or even stackoverflow). In this case you could have dug deeper into the Qt frame docs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to write all the code for both complete solutions, just have a vague idea of how you're going to do it, maybe a diagram on paper with a few notes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this write a short description of the other solution, and ask your boss which he prefers. Describe advantages and drawbacks to each solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving him a choice between two options gives a legit reason for you asking for his help, it should also flatter him a bit that you value his authority. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, when you find a solution... everyone has a tendency to think their first idea is the best and only possible solution. So when you have this first solution, play devil's advocate and find all its flaws before implementing it. Maybe you'll find enough to make you think your time will be better spent digging for another more practical solution that wasn't initially obvious. Anyway, having only one option should be a bit suspicious, it's an indicator that you haven't considered other, maybe better choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T11:51:07.320" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5481" CreationDate="2017-10-17T11:55:40.920" Score="29" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But if you aren't sure, just ask!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This.&lt;/strong&gt; Because, currently, your approach is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get an idea of &lt;em&gt;how it shoud probably be&lt;/em&gt; (with the possibility that it is wrongly understood)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;dig deeper and deeper to find a way out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;find a (&lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/em&gt;) way to fix the problem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get in trouble with your manager (&lt;em&gt;who gets angry because you waste both your time and company's time + energy + money&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1: By your manager point of view, because it doesn't fit their requirements.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, follow your manager's advice. But, and &lt;strong&gt;here is the point, not like you do right now!&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I teach technical and safety issues to people who know nothing about them. So, when I do it, I use the old trick of the game where someone has to let you figure out what they're thinking, without saying it namely. I modified the rules here, to fit my needs. It's all based on 20+ years of experience and improvement. &lt;strong&gt;And works like a charm&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;What you understand well, you enunciate clearly&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;, said French author and philosopher &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicolas_Boileau-Despr%C3%A9aux&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Nicolas Boileau&lt;/a&gt;. So, what I do, is explain something to someone, then have this person, with their own words, explain the same concept to someone else, who didn't hear us first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you can explain it, you understood it. If not, listen again, and try again...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to apply this to yourself. Get the task, and rephrase it with your own words. Then, go back to your manager:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hi boss, you asked me to do X. I plan on going this way : A / B / C. Is that correct, and what you expect from me? Otherwise, I could also go with D / E / F. What do you think? Is it better or not? Thanks for the feedback.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From here, he will let you know. And you'll know if you properly understood or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T11:55:40.920" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5481" CreationDate="2017-10-17T12:14:38.177" Score="20" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But if you aren't sure, just ask!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to rephrase that to: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you think you know how to solve it, discuss your solution with a team member.&lt;/strong&gt; Ask a team member if they think your proposed solution is the way to go, or whether there are other ways to do this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a junior software engineer and still learning a lot. What's done at my workplace, to prevent me from doing the 'completely wrong thing/the good thing in a completely wrong way':&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;At the beginning of a story, I team up with a team member. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I read the story, and as soon as I have an idea about how I'm going to implement it, I give a signal to a co-worker. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We discuss the solution, whether it's in line with the scope of the story and the existing code-base, and I get a go/no-go, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What's even more important: I get advice on how to solve it correctly/feedback on whether I interpreted the problem correctly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is, as Erik pointed out in the comments, very different from 'pure' pair programming, but the principle stems from it, I'm sure. It's a very good way to get/give feedback and make sure that what needs to be done gets done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So how can I make sure having understood a task correctly, where I lack the experience to know what ways are available to solve the task and my boss thinks he is clear enough in his wording?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if it's possible for you (it requires some energy/social interaction) but if at all possible, ask your boss if he would allow you and your co-worker(s) (maybe even 1 designated person), to do &lt;strong&gt;the sort of pair-programming I described above&lt;/strong&gt;. You could even do this together with your boss, although he might not have the time to spare. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If both you and another programmer don't understand what's supposed to be done (or have very different opinions on it), you go to your boss for clarification before implementing the story. Present him with both your opinions and have him make a decision. (In my team, there's a technical lead for this as well). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially if you lack experience, you'll need a mentor, a navigator. With experience also comes the ability to understand better what your boss means because you get to know the limits of the code-base. Until then, you'll need an interpreter/guardian to guard you against doing things 'the wrong way'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to your comment on 'how to implement this'. First, ask your manager boss: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, as you might know, my Aspergers frequently causes me to misunderstand written things, or take things too literally. There is a workaround for this that basically means that once I think I know what I'm supposed to do, I run this solution by another co-worker and ask their approval. That way, we prevent me doing 'the wrong things/good things in a wrong way'. It saves us a lot of time in the long run, and as I get to know the style of communication within this office better and get more experience with the codebase, it even might take less and less time (until it approaches a sort of 'minimum required effort', since it will probably always be necessary for you). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, how you implement this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask your boss to allow this sort of pair-programming. Mention a lot of the good points (as above).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If your boss is okay with it, have him tell co-workers that they're expected to do this with you. (Ask him to do so, don't order him around)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure you can explain to your co-workers what you're expecting of them (what their role will be): feedback on proposed solutions/a nudge in the right direction if you're on the wrong track. They're not supposed to do your work for you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you have a favorite co-worker (maybe somebody that understands you and your Aspergers a bit better than the rest?), ask them if they are prepared to be your 'standard' go-to person. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If that's not possible, for each story, ask who is the most knowledgeable on that part of the code-base, and ask them to discuss the implementation of that story with you. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T15:41:50.930" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T15:41:50.930" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-17T12:36:49.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's think about what is NOT to be approachable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to please everyone is not to be approachable. To be interested in all kinds of subjects and talk about all of them is not to be approachable. To like everyone and all of their tastes is not to be approachable. To create shallow friendships because of some norm or social rule is also not to be approachable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, what is to be approachable? Among many things, is to provide moments and environments where people can interact with each other and to be willing to listen to them even if the subject does not interest us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did that. You've created a fine moment where many people could interact with each other and talk about many subjects. Some people choose the other way: to close themselves even more and, then, become real snobs. What you did was very cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About what to do now, I suggest listening and asking. People, in a very general way, like to be listened to. &quot;But I have no interest in anything they say.&quot; Doesn't matter. You'd be amazed at how many things and curiosities you can learn from people when you just decide to listen to them for a bit. This doesn't mean to listen every single person, you'll find a way to filter that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4225" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T12:36:49.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-17T13:38:34.543" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said it yourself, &quot;I am constantly asked about topics I have zero interest in and it's quite hard to fake interest when asked about topics you don't follow.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That's the vast majority of social interactions outside of extremely close friends.&lt;/strong&gt; Social people find ways to engage with others, no matter the topic. I know zero about ballet, but I guarantee I could have a pleasant conversation with a crazy ballet mom. Use it as an opportunity to learn. Ask questions. &lt;strong&gt;You're not faking interest. Find a way to be actually interested.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned not knowing/caring about sports. If that's the topic, don't try to fight it. Embrace it. Ask questions, crack jokes (Wait, the Ravens beat the Panthers? A Panther would kill and eat a Raven!). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you are either a snob (sorry), or lack social skills. If you're willing to change, great. Get out there and learn some things that you don't know about. Otherwise, you will retain your title of snob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7165" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T13:38:34.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5488" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-17T13:49:35.210" Score="19" ViewCount="3885" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm job hunting again because, in my current job, things went horribly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People were not being aware of my Aspergers or of its impact and so I was on a team that simply was unhealthy for me.&#xA;I'm looking for a company that is able to get along with me on long terms.&#xA;It is clearly set for me that I will tell interviewers about my condition, to prevent getting in a situation like I'm in now, again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 2 major points I identified so far as problematic here, are when talking about the work of others,&#xA;I come across as very critical without actually intending to do so.&#xA;So others generally get very defensive towards my ideas or when I try to get help understanding something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not trying to justify this behavior in any way, but I would like to clearly communicate that things like this might happen,&#xA;and that they are a consequence of my Aspergers, not just the &quot;&lt;em&gt;personality traits of a troublemaker&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&#xA;I'm working on this with a therapist, but for now, I have to convey that I need people that can understand this as something that &quot;just happens&quot; and that I'm working very hard on it to prevent it from happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second problematic point is understanding tasks assigned to me correctly, as described in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/5481/32&quot;&gt;How to make sure I understood a work assignment correctly?&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to communicate to a future employer that things like this might happen, but also make them understand that there are ways we can work on these situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to dictate how I have to be handled. I want to explain/ask that I need a very structured working environment to be most efficient,&#xA;that they have to consider my Aspergers when planning to let me work for them as it might affect my performance tremendously.&#xA;Once there is a working routine set up I can/could rely on, I will be very efficient. Furthermore, especially such an achievement would be very attractive for me to stay with a company on the long term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would really like to communicate all this in an interview, without making it appear like a demand. I think I communicate ok verbally, but I fear I might express nonverbally something different and hence the verbal part could be not strong enough. So, given all this, I'd like to ask: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I convey this message in an interview, without appearing like I'm demanding them to hassle around with that?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-03-05T18:55:53.473" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T07:03:35.627" Title="How to convey &quot;special needs&quot; in a positive way for a job interview?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5488" CreationDate="2017-10-17T13:57:04.300" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be extremely clear about your behavior.  Your post is loaded with examples too - and you did a great job elucidating your behavior and concerns, so it's a matter of verbally communicating what you wrote:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I come across as very critical&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will have to accept this may be a red flag for some companies.  In a small environment where engineers do some sales, the company will probably pass.  Bigger or medium-sized companies with small niches would be excellent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but for now, I have to convey that I need people that can understand this as something that 'just happens' and that I'm working very hard on it to prevent it from happening&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is very honest and understand you're asking a lot of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to explain/ask that I need a very structured working environment to be most efficient&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Medium-sized to large companies may be a great choice.  One frustration of big companies is how structured a job is with little freedom.  For you, this may be good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would really like to communicate all this in an interview&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've provided some great requests.  Get an example for each request (What does a structured working environment look like to you?  What is an example of you coming off as critical?  How should people understand that you're not being critical?  Paint a visual picture of each request.) and be honest and upfront &lt;em&gt;while accepting that you may be an unattractive candidate for some environments&lt;/em&gt;.  Provided that you're clear and honest, like you were with your post, this should help you filter out companies that wouldn't be a good fit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T13:57:04.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-17T14:22:30.350" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As daft as this sounds; there is a myth that when one says 'thank you' following a 'bless you', a fairy is killed. I told my colleagues this, which was verified by another, and now I don't have to say 'thank you' so that I spare the lives of fairies.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;While this does not stop my colleagues saying 'bless you', it does stop me having to respond with a 'thank you', thus avoiding the need for an awkward reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7357" LastEditorUserId="7357" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T07:48:41.347" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T07:48:41.347" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5492" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-17T14:42:02.650" Score="13" ViewCount="4205" Body="&lt;p&gt;My parents live on a somewhat busy but narrow two-lane road. Across the street from them lives an old couple whom we're on good terms with; in the past, they've helped us out with things, and we've helped them out. I still say hi whenever I see them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently got home for a break, and found that the couple has hired a landscaping service - really just two guys - to clear their leaves on a regular basis; they're too old to do it themselves. Unfortunately, one of the landscapers has, for the past week or two, decided to use a leafblower to blow the leaves out of their yard and into the busy street and the yards of their neighbors - including, somehow, our yard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's actually creating a problem, because now my parents have to deal with more leaves to clean up. Additionally, it might pose a problem for cars driving by: nobody wants to have to brake to avoid flying leaves! My parents and I really want to deal with the problem, and do it before we get too far into autumn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We could do two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to the landscaper directly and explain, in more detail, why what he's doing is annoying. My mom already did this once (very briefly), and he did stop blowing the leaves into our yard - but only for about a week.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to the neighbors themselves. I'm reasonably certain they're &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; aware of what the landscaper's doing, because the landscaping often happens when the couple is out of the house.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, there could be another course of action we could take that I've forgotten. There isn't a homeowners' association we could talk to, and at any rate, we don't want to escalate this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're not sure what choice would be more effective at this point; we just want the landscaper to stop doing this. At the same time, we don't want to be rude to our neighbors, because they've done a lot for us in the past, and we're on good terms - and I don't think that they're responsible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is our best option here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Miscellaneous clarifications:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My parents live in the northeastern United States. Right now, we're approaching peak leaf raking season. We don't use a landscaper; we rake our leaves ourselves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The landscapers appear to be a small company (maybe two or three people), but it looks like only one person - the one responsible for leaf-blowing - has been doing this. We don't know what his status is within the company.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A township ordinance states&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No person or persons, firm or corporation shall deposit, spill, throw or dump . . . leaves, or other material . . . upon any publicly-owned property, or highway, street, road . . . or upon any public or private land . . . without the permission of the owner thereof[.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that, yes, what they're doing does violate township disposal laws; we don't know what the penalty or penalties for doing so are. A related regulation covering littering mentions &quot;lawn or garden waste&quot; as litter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T00:09:19.540" LastActivityDate="2020-11-12T20:00:51.363" Title="How can we get a landscaper to stop blowing leaves into our yard?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5493" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5488" CreationDate="2017-10-17T14:58:28.070" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;A job interview is about communicating enough in order to establish whether the two parties fit (or not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd avoid putting labels on things like mentioning Asperger. It is tied to prejudice and may do more to muddy the waters than to explain, and there are of course as many versions as there are people having it (actually, being it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to suggest that you clearly state in which situations you shine, and where your challenges are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your talents I leave to you, and I think there are plenty scalps on your belt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your challenges come across clearly as well, including your approaches to compensate (the communication is complete only when the message is  received and understood, and repeating back in your own words is the basic feedback loop).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you have trouble explaining verbally perhaps write a brief and bring it to the interview where it can be perused and discussed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go at it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;[edit]&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;For the comment about being relentlessly critical:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I myself am a perfectionist and regard any result as the staging point for new improvements. I handle this by ONLY giving feedback &lt;em&gt;when asked&lt;/em&gt;. And I warn beforehand that I'll put salt on every single titbit. And I check back to see if it triggered irritation. Being a solid review guy I explain this by stating that either I do this right or not at all, everything else is a waste of (valuable) time. I explicitly leave the reviewee free to follow up or lay aside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did however learn when someone is asking for positive confirmation. I never lie. I find something (trivial?) positive to say in such a case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DO know that there are shops out there who would splurge to obtain such a talent.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;[/edit]&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T06:51:42.243" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T06:51:42.243" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5495" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5488" CreationDate="2017-10-17T15:24:37.380" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've never had to actually communicate special needs when interviewing. But, like maybe most of other 'normal' people, I have had to answer questions about 'my bad habits/character traits' in an interview. I think the general rules I used to navigate such questions might also apply for communicating a special need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I convey this message in an interview, without appearing like I'm demanding them to hassle around with that?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, it all boils down to: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Admit you're bad at something (or, in this case, that there's a special need to consider). Be honest about it, there's no use in concealing it because they will find out anyway. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Also&lt;/strong&gt; mention that you're aware of this, and working on solving this problem. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell a little about what you're exactly doing to handle the problem, and how much improvement you think is possible. Don't go running around stating 'it can be fixed completely'. A bad character trait will show sometimes, and a special need will never disappear. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't belittle your problems, but make sure that anything positive about it shines like a beacon in the darkness. If you're provided with a good environment, you can be very efficient and a very good asset to the company. &lt;strong&gt;If they're willing to invest some time/energy in you (and you're willing to learn), there's something to gain for both of you.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With regard to the 2 points you mentioned in your question, this means the following: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make sure you mention that you're seeing a therapist for this, and be honest about the prospects:&lt;/strong&gt; Although you're working very hard on 'fixing' this, there's no promise it will be fixed in 3 months time (or even a year). Furthermore, stressing that a therapist is involved will convey that your special needs are indeed a consequence of your Aspergers, not 'just' some bad personality trait and that you're working very hard on 'solving' or 'being able to manage' this. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there is anything that you would like your co-workers to try with regards to 'how to handle' this, make sure to mention this in the conversation with the recruiter. For point 1, Maybe then you can do a 'twist' on &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3014/1599&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt;: Have co-workers tell you that you're sounding critical again and/or have them ask 'Was that a critique, an idea or a question?'. Only do this if you can stand that to hear that multiple times a day! For point 2, I've also &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/5484/1599&quot;&gt;written an answer to your question about that&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;strong&gt;Giving possible solutions for the problem emphasizes that you're working on it, and this way the workplace doesn't have to come up with solutions for you (or tolerate any bad behavior from your side), only facilitate you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there is no solution that's 'set in stone' yet (if you are proposing a solution that you haven't tried yet), make sure you make the recruiter aware of this. To make a comparison with a more known special need: You're basically asking them to supply a wheel-chair ramp for now, but it might later turn out you'll need an elevator or that you can take the stairs, as long as the steps are lowered in height. &lt;strong&gt;Make sure they understand that your needs may vary over time.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make very, very sure to tell them that if their work-culture can handle this, and take your special needs into account, that you can be a very effective employee.&lt;/strong&gt; What might help here is to point out some work-experience, however small, that proves this. Maybe you can show off some thing you have achieved while the environment was 'right'?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, as long as you tell all this calmly (think of it as 'explaining something to a child', not as 'defending yourself against this unknowing recruiter') you should be as fine as can be when disclosing your special needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, since you're seeing a therapist: maybe you can practice this with them/ maybe they have some tips on how to do this as well. I can imagine your therapist has helped more people with this. &lt;strong&gt;Your therapist might have some resources available, know some places where they are generally more accepting of Aspergers or know laws that you can use to your advantage.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T18:29:02.183" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T18:29:02.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5496" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5492" CreationDate="2017-10-17T15:34:30.900" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Talk to the landscaper directly and explain, in more detail, why what he's doing is annoying. My mom already did this once (very briefly), and he did stop blowing the leaves into our yard - but only for about a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did she talk to the boss, or to one of the employees? Maybe the following week, it was a different employee blowing the leaves, so the information was lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, you don't have authority over the landscapers (you're not paying them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The neighbors however do: if they are not satisfied with the landscapers they can simply do business with another company...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus the simplest would be to raise the issue with the neighbors. Don't clean the leaves on your parents' property yet, and show them the heap of leaves. Make sure you don't blame them for it, they probably don't know about it. Just ask them to remind the landscapers to do their job. There should be no problems, since your parents are on good terms with them, it's just a civil discussion between neighbors about a minor annoyance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're on the neighbors' side, since they pay for work that is not being done (ie, collecting the leaves and taking them out). If their contractor is cutting corners while billing full price, this company is basically abusing old people...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extra idea in reaction to ab2's answer: there is another way to remove the leaves, run over them with a lawnmower. This also mows the lawn if needed. The leaves are chopped up, take less bags and are easier to remove, but you can also use them as compost, they will decompose a lot faster when chopped up. If they do that and your parents do some gardening, this could be another solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T19:02:40.180" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T19:02:40.180" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5497" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2298" CreationDate="2017-10-17T15:49:37.597" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience it isn't, but that does not mean that there aren't studies that say otherwise or that's how it works out in most scenarios.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The strongest handshake I have received in my life came out quite short. The man that shook my hand said the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Real men shake their hands strongly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I took that as that my handshake was not quite strong enough to consider myself a man. Few moments later I called my mother, told her that man hurt me and I started crying...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point I want to come across is strong handshakes don't mean anything when people talk to you like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7361" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T16:56:33.573" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T16:56:33.573" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5498" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5492" CreationDate="2017-10-17T18:46:50.960" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's no good talking to the landscapers alone.  Your parents should speak to the elderly couple first. &lt;em&gt;It is possible that the landscapers are doing less than the couple is paying them to do.&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The landscapers  have to put the leaves &lt;strong&gt;somewhere&lt;/strong&gt;, and they have only two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(1) blow the leaves off the yard to somewhere else -- your parent's yard or the neighbor's on either side, or the street.  The problem can't be solved this way -- it can only be transferred to someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(2) bag the leaves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second option takes more time, and consequently is more expensive.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibly the elderly couple is under the impression that the leaves are bagged and removed.  They may even be paying for this service!  Your conversation with the elderly couple should ask about the bagging and removal option.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What to do with the bags depends on the disposal service in your parents' neighborhood.  In our neighborhood, we have to take yard trash to the county dump, or hire someone to haul it away.  The elderly couple may even be paying for the landscapers to remove the bags. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the elderly couple is paying for bagging and removal, offer to talk to the landscapers with the elderly couple.  The landscapers will find it hard to ignore a simultaneous double-barreled complaint from a neighbor and their employer.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-10-17T19:11:22.593" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T19:11:22.593" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5499" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5307" CreationDate="2017-10-17T19:18:57.623" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My solution to this dilemma is not having a Yelp account in the first place, so it's simply not possible for me to write a review. I just say &quot;sorry I don't have a Yelp account so I can't...&quot;. Then you're being honest, and avoid the possibility of further pressing from the business rep. I do the same thing when they ask me to follow them on Facebook or Instagram or whatever.... I honestly say &quot;sorry, I don't do social media anymore&quot; and that's that. I think it's important for businesses to know there are some of us who don't engage with social media and don't put much importance into it, and these situations provide a good way to demonstrate that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar to the common Facebook dilemma - people asking why you haven't accepted their &quot;friend&quot; requests. If you don't have a Facebook account to begin with, then the problem does not exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7368" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T19:18:57.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5501" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5481" CreationDate="2017-10-17T22:45:39.033" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... But I was sure. I wasn't aware that the Qt frame had other means to solve this problem. I just found a way to solve my problem, that respects (supposedly) the requirements. So why should I go on searching for other means to solve it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll comment on this part because I've seen it a lot with developers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They take the first option they find (or the first idea that pops into their head).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They spend a lot of time on it before getting feedback.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choosing the first thing they find is usually bad because it means they haven't thought about the problem and the trade-offs.  The result is a lot more work (short term and long term).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Spending a lot of time is a problem because they don't realize there are problems until after the time is already spent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, before you start coding, spend a little time to find three options and try some basic examples using them. Then present those options with a recommendation and let your manager direct you from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And if doing so generally, how would I know, when I found the best solution and can stop looking for others?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will take experience to develop.  But if you can find three options, you can select the &quot;best&quot; from those and know that it is at least better than two others.  The act of choosing will require you to think about trade-offs, which will help you become a better developer.  And, it gives you a point of comparison when getting feedback, particularly if you missed something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bad: &quot;I know it's been 30 seconds since we talked, but how do I do this?&quot; (No initiative)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Better: &quot;I spent 3 days on the first idea that came to mind.  What do you think?&quot;  (Initiative, but no forethought)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Best: &quot;I spent a few hours (or a day) looking for ways to do this, and here are some options.  I like this one most because x, y, and z.  What do you think?&quot; (Initiative and forethought)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7379" LastActivityDate="2017-10-17T22:45:39.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5502" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-17T23:24:06.110" Score="38" ViewCount="35732" Body="&lt;p&gt;This has been something on my mind that I just can't seem to shake off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Backstory:&lt;/strong&gt; My family has a group of other families that we regularly meet up with. We vacation, have dinners, etc. My dad has a pretty close friend among the group. Let's call him Vic. Vic has a wife (who he's pretty distant and unaffectionate towards) and a family. He is &lt;em&gt;undeniably&lt;/em&gt; handsome and has a mysterious aura. Vic is always charismatic and lively, which is very refreshing considering that my culture (South Asian) is full of more conservative people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dilemma:&lt;/strong&gt; When I turned about 17 or 18 I noticed Vic started looking at me differently, I caught him almost staring at me several times. He tends to stare at my chest area if I happened to wear anything particularly low cut, slightly smiles (almost smirks) and gives me a glance from top to bottom. Besides the physical heat, he treats me with a sense of maturity compared to the other girls that are my age in the group. I felt that he sometimes went out of his way to make slight physical contact as well as eye contact. Like I said, Vic is beyond handsome. There is no denying that I am attracted to him and his personality. I find myself daydreaming about him and desperately wanting to see him more often. The age gap is not the issue for me, as I am typically attracted to older men. The only problem is the obvious. He has a family and I am essentially his friend's daughter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My only question is:&lt;/strong&gt; How do I approach a conversation about this with him (if there is any to be had). I don't want to be some sort of home wrecker, but he is giving me signals as if he wants something. I am so confused. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For reference:&lt;/strong&gt; Both of us are from South Asia, but living in America. I am currently 21 and he is 44. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt; I know subconsciously, that I want for something to be there between us. I just don't know how to go about approaching a situation where I can make that happen, if that makes sense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update 2:&lt;/strong&gt; Thank you everyone for your insightful answers! Just for some clarification, I do NOT expect to have any sort of long term relationship with Vic. I live my life through practicality, and know that that is not something that would be plausible, or even a good idea. Some people have understood my dilemma spot on: I am physically attracted to this man. I have been so inside my head lately about what to do about it. I just want to know if talking to him/responding or reciprocating his flirtations are a good idea. Yes I am 21 years old, and at this age I &quot;don't have the mental capabilities etc etc.&quot; I want to remind you all that I am by no means a careless middle school/high school student. I'd love any more answers/feedback you all may have!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7384" LastEditorUserId="7384" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T14:23:54.303" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T14:21:27.710" Title="How do I ask my dad's friend if he's interested in me?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5503" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-18T00:37:48.970" Score="48" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My only question is: How do I approach a conversation about this with him (if there is any to be had). I don't want to be some sort of home wrecker, but he is giving me signals as if he wants something. I am so confused. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure what you're confused about. Are you confused because he's giving indications of being attracted to you though he has a wife? Both can coexist. People cheat. (If that's not what you're confused about, please edit to specify, and I'll edit my answer accordingly.) People also flirt, sometimes just for fun and sometimes to find out who will cheat with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to be some sort of homewrecker, don't engage in anything questionable (including flirting, responding to his flirting, and having conversations about your feelings towards him or his towards you) until after he's divorced. That way, you also allow your dad to keep his friend for a while longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once he's divorced (without any encouragement from you, since you don't want to be a homewrecker), he's on the market, and you can have that conversation. Be aware, though, that your dad is likely to be very unreceptive to his friend and you being an item. But if he really makes you happy, your dad may come around in time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T21:18:15.737" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T21:18:15.737" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5504" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5530" CreationDate="2017-10-18T00:46:14.527" Score="11" ViewCount="9836" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a white male engineer born in Brazil and lived also in United States and France. I usually opt to live with roommates since it is more affordable and also I like the atmosphere of a shared living. The only problem that I have is that, despite rarely having problems with my multinational roommates from all continents, except Oceania so far, and races, I noticed that I do fairly poor with roommates (and at times also neighbors) that are originally from Europe. To list the problems encountered so far:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;German roommate in United States complained hastily that me and my Chinese American roommate don't buy toilet paper promptly as it finished. It warranted to me be yelled at being accused of being reckless of leaving the house without TP. The other roommate (and me) found his rant disproportional and we agreed to buy more TP while the German roommate didn't want to join. This roommate also accused another Vietnamese roommate of lying about being a doctor because he had tattoos. He had a shady past, but seemed to have got over it since. The Vietnamese roommate came to talk to me about that very upset about the situation and said that he &quot;would get mean with him&quot;, so I felt it was urgent to broker a reconciliation which happened fine.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;French neighbors in student dormitory in France came often to knock at my door in the middle of night and sometimes they entered the room drunk to make noise. They appeared to be targeting by Brazilian roommate. We had to file a complaint with the dormitory manager. After a while the Brazilian roommate left and a Lebanese roommate came in, and one day they knocked the door again (I had told him about the facts before) and he went to answer the door with a knife. Thankfully they had left by the time he picked his knife and went to answer the door. I don't blame my roommate about his defensive attitude, I just didn't want to get involved in such case.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Female French roommate in France caused a lot of noise at night, stole my food, had nervous breakdowns and acted very rudely with me. She appeared to be psychologically troubled.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Female French roommate (for only a few days, since I arrived just before she left the house) said that my habit of cleaning up common areas that appear to be neglected by the others could become a source of conflict. My Tunisian roommate mocked that she and other former roommates of the house (3 French and one Italian) neglected the cleaning and we did a major clean up ourselves.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;French roommate in France got upset when he saw me doing his dishes. The first time he had prepared a diner with friends and he said that he was too tired to wash them at night but he promised to wash them next day. Next day at noon the dishes were still to be washed so I washed them without expecting anything in return and I didn't say anything about it, other than, when he said that he would owe me that favor, he could return it by mopping the floor of the kitchen, which was left quite dirty after the dinner (so he already had this obligation anyway). He said that felt being a trouble if I do the dishes for him. The next week he saw me washing a pan that looked one that he had just left in the sink and told me to stop washing his dishes until he realized the mistake. He said that he would fell bad if I do the chores for him, which, whenever I do I never expect anything back and most my other roommates so far never complained about that or sometimes even praise me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;French roommate was thrown out of the house by landlord (who lived in the house) in Brazil after he brought a girl to his room. It didn't appear that they were in the room to talk about Jesus. I didn't see the situation and cannot say who was right, but the landlord appeared to be mad at him.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I fell that it looks like I am a trouble maker for European people and I can't see what am I doing wrong. I don't have any particular rant against Europeans in general, but it seems that their values are simply too complex for me to understand, even after being used to other even more diverse cultures, like the Chinese, African and Arab. I do have some opinions that are less acceptable in Europe like I don't enjoy alcohol and I am pro gun rights, but many of them didn't even know that before causing these troubles to me and other people I know usually simply do not agree without causing trouble. What am I doing wrong? Am I just unlucky?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3988" LastEditorUserId="3988" LastEditDate="2018-01-01T01:28:26.620" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T16:31:43.167" Title="How to get along with European roommates?" Tags="&lt;europe&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="18" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5505" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-18T01:23:21.733" Score="5" ViewCount="345" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone makes an off the cuff remark, joke, or observation to me, I sometimes just laugh and nod along. I realized this silence might be kind of weird. I typically don't respond because I don't have anything clever to say back, so sometimes I'll just say &quot;That's pretty funny&quot;. Most often though, I don't say anything back. Is this weird? How can I respond in a productive way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, as I was leaving my apartment for work, I bumped into my neighbor who had been walking her dog. Her dog started excitedly sniffing me, and she made a comment along the lines of &quot;Wow, she really likes you!&quot; I just made eye contact with her, laughed and smiled along with her, and maybe said &quot;oh&quot; in a surprised manner, before I continued out the building. I feel like this is really weird of me, but I kind of freeze when these things happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7383" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T09:39:44.363" Title="Is it weird that I sometimes don't respond to comments / jokes?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-10-18T12:15:08.240" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5443" CreationDate="2017-10-18T01:29:28.187" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the newcomer, you have a tool available that the others don't have as readily: instead of &lt;em&gt;sharing knowledge&lt;/em&gt; (which you said you don't have yet), you can &lt;em&gt;ask questions&lt;/em&gt; -- questions about the project, questions about company history, questions about that weird thing that's part of the culture (&quot;how did a rubber chicken become the 'you broke the build' badge of shame?&quot;), and so on.  Questions invite other people to speak about things they're (presumably) comfortable with; you'll probably have more success this way than bringing up random hobbies, sports, or movies and hoping someone shares your interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't go overboard, though; you don't want to be seen as a pest or a help vampire.  If your question results in a terse answer followed by more silence, I wouldn't try again during that meal.  But if anybody engages with your question, the chances are decent that more conversation will ensue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While my (local) coworkers aren't as silent as it sounds like yours are, our group of about a dozen mostly eats lunch together, and when I was the newcomer I used some of that time to ask about stuff like this, and I found that my coworkers were happy to answer my questions and, from there, share other tidbits and stories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T01:29:28.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-18T01:32:30.237" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;anongoodnurse's answer covered most of the question pretty well, but I think there's a pretty important caveat to be considered with such a large age gap...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming for the sake of argument that he does get divorced and you're free to pursue something more with him. Have you really thought that through? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm guessing that since you said that he has a family and that he's 44, that his children are closer to your age. Are you prepared to be a step mother to someone who may be your age or only a few years younger?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have you considered that by the time you're in your 40's he'll be in his mid-sixties? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you were to get married and have children, people would likely assume that they're his grandchildren and that you're his daughter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have you thought about the vast differences in life experience between 21 and 44? He probably remembers the cold war, new wave music, and a lot of other things that you kinda had to be there for to fully understand.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Likewise you probably have interests and hobbies that a man in his 40's doesn't really understand or relate to. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying that any of these things are deal breakers, or that they should be. They're just things worth thinking about  before pursuing anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also keep in mind that some men have an eye for younger women, and it's often not for the best reasons. The attention that he's showing you, and not to his wife, may be something that he carries into the relationship that he might have with you... More or less, it may be wonderful for the first few years, but he may be looking to trade you in for a younger model when you begin to age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of that men of a certain age, tend to have different ideas about how to treat women, not always, but sometimes it may be a problem if you would prefer to maintain your Independence. Just trying to say that it's worth remembering that he grew up in different times where it was ok to treat women in a way that it usually isn't nowadays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I remember correctly, I think the largest age gap that I've dealt with in a relationship was only 6 or 7 years. Even with that gap we had a hard time talking about things like music, movies, and politics. I constantly had to remind myself that, well, of course she doesn't remember that, she was in elementary school when that song was popular or when that movie came out, or when that guy was president. I know it sounds like a small thing, but it does have an impact on a relationship. With a 23 year gap, he'll have to remind himself that you hadn't even been born yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T01:32:30.237" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5504" CreationDate="2017-10-18T02:04:30.847" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I've had pretty much all of these experiences just being an America living with American roommates. I don't think nationality has anything to do with it, which honestly seems evident with your wide variety of troublesome roommates from different cultures and countries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to remember that correlation does not equal causation. Just because a few of your troublesome roommates happened to be European, does not mean that that's the reason they were trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just kinda like that when you're living with other people. Someone always has to do the dishes and buy the toilet paper. People are always going to have their little dramas with neighbors and landlords. It's just an unfortunate part of living with other people. This is a huge part of the reason that I now prefer to live alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really doubt there's any one-size-fits-all solution here, apart from maintaining open communication with the people you live with. When problems come up, talk about them openly and respectfully and try to resolve them. Where possible try to talk about problems before they occur. Sometimes just sitting down with your roommates and agreeing on some house rules and a fair division of chores can eliminate some problems before they happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T02:10:14.930" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T02:10:14.930" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-18T02:11:51.197" Score="160" Body="&lt;p&gt;The default reaction of people these days is &quot;I'm not gonna judge&quot;, but ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to go there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But first I'll address your actual question, then you can stop reading.  ;D  The problem is that you don't have any way of telling if he is actually into you, if he's just enjoying the occasional peek at a vibrant young lady, or if you're misreading the cues.  &lt;strong&gt;Note carefully that he hasn't approached you.&lt;/strong&gt;  So whatever his feelings are, they aren't overwhelming him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, now the judgy part...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly this doesn't seem like a good idea.  You don't know this guy has an actual emotional desire for you, or just a minor &quot;middle-aged lech&quot; eye-candy thing for you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approach him and you're wrong, there's a whole new world of mortification waiting for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approach him and you're right, the consequences for all parties involved -- your father, the guy, his wife, his children -- could be disastrous.  There are many reasons, religious, moral, and well, &lt;em&gt;practical&lt;/em&gt; that there's a generally-understood &quot;no poaching&quot; rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want internet strangers' advice, I'll recommend as strongly as possible that you let this one go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T02:11:51.197" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5510" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5505" CreationDate="2017-10-18T02:20:03.143" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR -- You're okay!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think your response is weird.  It's a common pattern.  This part:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just made eye contact with her, laughed and smiled along with her, and maybe said &quot;oh&quot; in a surprised manner, before I continued out the building.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is a perfectly adequate response.  The key point here is that &lt;strong&gt;you're not obliged to come up with snappy banter on the spot&lt;/strong&gt;.  It's okay.  This is the reason why we have phrases like &quot;Hey that's a good one&quot; or &quot;Oh, you're a corker, you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really, all that people want is some acknowledgement that something just happened.  A murmured phrase, even a smile will do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I do get into the badinage, but that's me.  Even so, sometimes I'm caught flat-footed or out-punned or whatever.  Which will get my partner a wry, &quot;You.  I like you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T02:20:03.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5505" CreationDate="2017-10-18T03:18:09.450" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yep, you're okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't always get the quick response to such situations either. I laugh, or simply acknowledge that was good/funny in some way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I get a clever comeback, but it's after I leave the area, but (&lt;em&gt;shrug&lt;/em&gt;), it's not worth going back to give that response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You acknowledged their comments, and that's enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T03:18:09.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5504" CreationDate="2017-10-18T05:13:31.560" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, many of those sound like various extreme cases more than anything else. But even beyond that, as you yourself pointed out in a comment, there are clear cultural differences between you and these people. It would be fine if it was just the overly noisy and rude party lovers, as I myself have run into issues with those during my stays in western Europe as someone from eastern Europe, but a number of other examples suggest that you might have a habit of taking matters into your own hands and taking things very seriously, which can distance you from these people. I wouldn't say you're outright wrong to do so, but I'm not convinced, for instance, that #5 did anything wrong besides waiting a bit, which isn't uncommon for many people, especially those who struggle in mornings or who've just gone to bed late after spending time with friends. Age is an important factor here as well, as is the strictness with which they were raised and whatever little freedoms they were given while growing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With some luck, you should run into people who better suit you, but depending on your overall situation and especially how old you are, you may want to take it easy for a bit. Don't let people simply walk over you because that's much worse, but with the ones you think you can reason with, do that. Compromise a little and see if it works out for you. Let them do their own thing to enough of an extent that they can feel more comfortable around you while still allowing you to be comfortable around them. Don't be bothered by the things they do and don't do, and instead give them the chance to show you what else they could do. I know you've said in another comment that you've tried that and that you've found that &quot;some people simply cannot reason&quot;, but to me, that's no reason not to try again. Different people react differently in such situations. You yourself could probably do a better job of it as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that those who prefer living with roommates in such countries, especially if you're not strongly incentivized to do so via cheaper living costs (a known problem at university in the UK), often tend to fit a certain carefree, easygoing mold that might, perhaps, not be to your liking. This could also be another cultural factor as perhaps it's more normal to stay with others in places outside of western Europe and thus the idea might attract other kinds of people instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7334" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T05:13:31.560" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5513" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-18T05:41:07.650" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually end my sneezes with a semi-long groan. There's a window of opportunity to say &quot;bless you&quot; after someone sneezes and when that window has passed, it's awkward for people to say it. So, my groan (it's something like a &quot;nghuuugh&quot;) takes just as long as it's needed to close that window. People usually don't say it to me for that reason. Even if they do, I can just pretend I didn't hear them over my own voice. Unless, of course, they say it really loudly, in which case I reply with an unenthusiastic thanks. This solves most of my problems with this type of unnecessary communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2169" LastEditorUserId="2169" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T07:19:24.783" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T07:19:24.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5514" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5519" CreationDate="2017-10-18T06:03:01.377" Score="43" ViewCount="11899" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every now and then, I'm reminded about something awful or embarrassing that I did, and this, sadly, includes sexual harassment, mostly in the form of - but not limited to - drunken messages or phone calls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that the best thing to do is just to not harass someone in the first place, but what can be done after the fact?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first thought would be to write a message, apologizing for the unwarranted and most likely unpleasant advance, but I don't even know whether or not the victim remembers what happened, or if she would appreciate the apology - or being contacted in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not talking about physical assault&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have no way of knowing whether or not the victim really experienced it as harassment&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do know that I feel terrible about it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am specifically thinking about something that happened several years ago&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not thinking about a workplace interaction, or one where either one of us is in a position of power&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything I can do (besides not repeating my mistakes), or is this now completely in the hands of the victim?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I saw &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/56/how-to-apologize-to-a-person-whom-i-scolded-long-after-the-fact&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; which is different from mine, in that it talks about scolding, and not sexual harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7388" LastEditorUserId="7388" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T00:11:57.003" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T06:45:16.803" Title="How to apologize for sexual harassment in the past?" Tags="&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5515" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5517" CreationDate="2017-10-18T06:09:34.053" Score="57" ViewCount="37958" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am on the cusp of moving to a new part of the country (1000km from my current location) and start a new job. I have just signed a lease to an apartment (that I am able to pay by myself if need be) and have suggested to my girlfriend to move in with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will be unemployed as we are both moving to this new city, but assures me that she will try and find work as soon as we move. &lt;strong&gt;I am not convinced that she will try at all&lt;/strong&gt;, as she hasn't shown any initiative yet for job-searching, and is making excuses to why she cannot start. How do I tell her that if she doesn't get a job in a reasonable amount of time, or at least show me that she is trying to get a job so that she can pay half of the rent; then I will have to ask her to move somewhere else. I don't expect her to immediately start paying her share from day 1, but I do think that she at least needs to be making steps towards getting financially stable with high priority so that all responsibilities are shared equally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My attempt was essentially asking &lt;strong&gt;&quot;When we move, how long of job hunting do you think is a reasonable time frame for you to get a job before you decide to move back&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her response was &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I am shocked that you would kick me out at all, I haven't applied at all yet because ABC123XYZ, I am hurt that you would give me this ultimatum.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7390" LastEditorUserId="7390" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T21:53:13.720" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T18:37:39.533" Title="How to ask your girlfriend to pay her share of the rent when she moves in?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5514" CreationDate="2017-10-18T06:14:14.000" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the key thing here is that those events happened years ago. If they had been more recent I would've strongly recommended reaching out and apologizing as soon as possible, but in this situation I'm tempted to say otherwise. You could potentially still try to open up to the victim about it if you have the chance, but at the end of the day you run the very serious risk of merely reopening old wounds for the sake of making yourself feel better. In fact, seeing as it was never physical and they were, as you describe them, drunken messages and calls, then it's possible that it might not even be severe enough for them to think about anymore, in which case I think not contacting them would be an even better option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you've learned from your mistakes, feel bad about making them and have changed as a person since then. I don't know how others might feel about this, but to me, I'd say that's good enough. However, if the victim one day seeks you out and not the other way around (which I don't see as likely unless you have more information to share regarding that), or is at least the one to bring it up themselves in your presence, you may indeed want to apologize and be genuine about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the #metoo hashtag, I feel your only obligations are to yourself (to become a better person, as you say you have) and to the victim if they reach out to you (to apologize for your actions). Unless you go on to state otherwise, it sounds as though you've done nothing to other women, regret your actions and have changed yourself for the better. As such, unless you outright advocated or promoted actions similar to your own to other people back in the day, or caused harm to more than one person, or feel that you haven't truly moved on from those events, I feel it is not necessary to do any sort of public apology under that hashtag. The past is the past. In my view, all you would do is bring unnecessary judgment upon yourself for things you have already atoned for and no longer represent you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this last point, however, might be down to cultural differences, as where I live, even with such forms of harassment being equally commonplace (possibly even moreso, and the victims are absolutely right to talk about it if they so desire) compared to places such as the US, such public apologies are seen in a much less positive light. This is not because people would try to defend such actions, but because it is seen more as bringing unnecessary attention to yourself instead of actively improving yourself as a person and not repeating your past mistakes, so you may want to keep that in mind if you are from a country such as the US and are reading this answer. The right to be forgotten is something that comes to my mind as being partially related to this, given how different the US views this right compared to much of Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7334" LastEditorDisplayName="user7334" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T07:36:02.020" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T07:36:02.020" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T06:33:01.933" Score="110" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is possibly a bigger issue here. If the question is literally &quot;How to ask girlfriend to pay rent..&quot;, then you've almost, already, done that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more diplomatic approach could be just starting a conversation with &quot;So, how are we going to handle rent?&quot;. Depending on her financial status, it might actually be unfair to expect a 50/50 share on rent, but she could pay a smaller share, or that she pay for utilities, food or some other things. Depending on her financial status, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if she is making excuses, that you don't consider valid, there is a relationship issue here; How is that going to continue? Do you think she is capable of improving?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not trust her at all, those are things that you might consider much more important to get answered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you may have to take a risk here. Ultimately, at some point, you will have a history of behavior from her. You may already have. If so, that's important information for you to consider. But if you have no indication of whether you can trust her to truly try, you have to, at some point, consider talking to her about it or accept her explanations that she is doing her best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking to her about it, however, does run the risk that she will lose trust in you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4794" LastEditorUserId="4794" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T13:19:24.817" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T13:19:24.817" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5519" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5514" CreationDate="2017-10-18T06:53:10.393" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given that this was triggered by the recent #metoo awareness campaign about sexual harassment, what I have seen some of my friends do and seems to have been received positively, is to join the campaign by publicly apologising for past behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason is that the goal of the campaign is not only to show how many women suffer sexual harassment in their lives, but also to show that this isn't a case of some monsters within the species doing it (which makes it easy to say &quot;not me&quot; and distance yourself from it), but to show that it's a pervasive problem and it's done by &lt;em&gt;so many, otherwise totally normal people&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been shocked to see public statements by some of the most respectful, friendly folks I know publicly apologizing, and it really helps drive the point home of how big this issue is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So even if you've changed now, and know not to do it again, it might help show your friends and family that even otherwise decent people engage(d) in this behavior, and that it's a much bigger problem than they thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to call out any specific victims, or state any specific actions you did, but a general &quot;Yes, this sexual harassment culture is a major problem and I'm sorry I used to contribute to it. My sincere apologies to all the women I treated poorly/made uncomfortable/hurt. I know better now.&quot; seems to strengthen the movement, well received and will probably help you feel better about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T06:53:10.393" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T07:08:47.637" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your actual question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I tell her that if she doesn't get a job in a reasonable amount of time, or at least show me that she is trying to get a job so that she can pay half of the rent; then I will have to ask her to move somewhere else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have already set the ultimatum, and you've wounded her a little in the process. Doesn't really matter whether she will come through with finding a job and helping with the financial obligations in your relationship. At this moment, there is already a loss of trust from her side, and a lack of trust on your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are asking your girlfriend to uproot and follow you to start a new adventure. Also, she has accepted the invitation, hopefully knowing the risks involved, and sounds like she is up for it. Since at least &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are going into this situation seeing the red flags beforehand, either you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;compromise on the rent for the unforeseeable future or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;retract the invitation until she has found a job or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;end the relationship now before there is major financial and emotional loss.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3796" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T07:08:47.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5504" CreationDate="2017-10-18T08:27:46.390" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think these behaviours you came across are due to their geographic origin; they just seem plainly weird and unpredictable to me. As apaul wisely reminded us in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/5508/6808&quot;&gt;his answer&lt;/a&gt;, &quot;correlation does not equal causation&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the solution, since we're talking about European cultures, I'll start with an Italian proverb that translates as &quot;If you want to live a hundred years, mind your own business&quot; (don't know if there is an English equivalent). If you notice that you do not understand some culture, keep a low profile and just do your things, at least at the beginning of the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears that you have problems with French people rather than with Europeans in general. If you feel that their response is due to cultural reasons, you could try discussing it with them underlining the cultural aspect:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry if you interpreted my behaviour as impolite, is just that where I come from this is not a big deal. How about it in France? Did it happen to you other times to have such problems with Americans?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way they will know you meant well, it will be clear that you actively seek not to do it again even unintentionally and at the same time they will ascribe the accident to the unavoidable cultural distance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also you can ask explicitly about the possible response to one of your actions, even if it looks obvious to you (&quot;Hey, the living room looks dirty, would you mind if I clean it up?&quot;). You will appear &quot;overnice&quot;, which is not a bad thing in itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a sidenote, I would be cautious to make a clump out of European cultures. As an European (Italian, from Rome) who travelled quite a lot in Europe, I can say that for instance it's easier &lt;em&gt;for me&lt;/em&gt; to understand people from Latin America than Scandinavian ones, that I can click way more easily with somebody from Madrid than with people from Milan, that Canadians are easier than Paris citizens etc. I feel that there are big cultural differences here that cannot be overlooked. Probably you are well aware of this and the simplification in your question is just for the sake of brevity, but I felt it useful to point it out :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T09:26:25.170" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T09:26:25.170" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5522" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T08:32:13.503" Score="81" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key word in your question is &quot;&lt;strong&gt;invited&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(update: It was. Question has since been edited to remove that word. Skip the next paragraph to get to the actual answer, I leave it as this was the original answer, the rest of this answer is independent of the word choice.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By our western cultural standards, if we are invited for something, we expect not to pay for it. The nature of an invitation is that the person who invites is responsible for those details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should have had this conversation before, and done it open-ended. Something like &quot;I'm moving to this new place, and it would be an opportunity for us to start living together. If we share the rent, we can afford a place big enough for both of us.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sets a non-threatening, cooperative tone to the issue. Getting back to that ground now will be incredibly difficult, especially since you've already decided upon and signed for the place. That removes the &quot;together we can be more than each seperately&quot; angle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your first point of order would be to &lt;strong&gt;apologize&lt;/strong&gt; for the misunderstanding. Bend on the dialog, don't bend on your principles. Explain to her that you didn't mean to threaten her. That by your standards, a couple living together shares responsibilities. Then &lt;strong&gt;offer her alternatives&lt;/strong&gt;. She can share the rent and the chores with you, or you can handle the rent and she takes the majority of the chores. Also ask for her input and suggestions on how to set up life as a couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an important conversation and rent is a small part of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="3375" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T05:41:53.307" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T05:41:53.307" CommentCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5523" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T08:44:42.260" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't!!!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean you are moving in together. If she is actually your girlfriend and someone you care about, then you prepare yourself to support her. If you can't do that, then you have no business asking her to undertake this with you and should just break up now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, it's fine to say something like &quot;we are going to go 50/50 on the rent&quot;, but it's not ok to say &quot;Look, if you don't give me $600 a month, I don't love you any more!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have effectively said the latter.  You have said your continued relationship is hinged on her getting a job and paying you money (for rent and utilities). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, nothing wrong with sharing the bills, but what you did is effectively one step short of pimping your girlfriend out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you either don't move in together, and learn from this mistake, or if you both still want to move in together, accept that you are going to foot 100% of the bills for a while. Apologize for being a giant a**, and NEVER bring up the idea of sharing bills again (let her bring it up). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again nothing wrong with splitting bills, but you need to start acting like an &quot;us&quot; and not a &quot;me and you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T11:53:27.727" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T11:53:27.727" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5391" CreationDate="2017-10-18T08:48:49.493" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can so relate to you, and while I don't have a complete solution, here are some fragments that help me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, understand the main differences between your topics and their topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;your topics are factual, objective, impersonal&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;their topics are personal and immediate&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These people don't care or don't want to talk about big-picture issues. About the world in general or science or whatever. The purpose of their gossip is not the philosophical discovery of deeper meanings. It is much more simple: The purpose of gossip is bonding, by sharing an immediately personal meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who divorced or married or died or had a child is a typical discussion topic of small, personal communities. These topics are meaningful because they are interpersonal - they are both private and shared, because they can affect everyone, so everyone can relate, and thus contribute to and share the talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your topics aren't. Only a small fraction of people, those interested in that particular subject, can relate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So go to these events with different expectations. You are not trying to share or learn new facts about the world. You are trying to get to know your neighbours, because knowledge is a prerequisite of trust which is a prerequisite of communities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still have to force myself to do small-talk. But at least I now see the usefulness and purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T08:48:49.493" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5525" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T09:00:20.523" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You ask bluntly&lt;/strong&gt;, and &lt;strong&gt;as soon as possible!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to share expenses when living with anyone (assuming you didn't deceive this person into thinking she's going to get a free ride for life).  Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you're financially responsible for them.  Rent isn't cheap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, love could bend the criteria a bit: if the job that she gets pays half what yours does, maybe her share of rent could be lower.  If she is capable of earning more but chooses not to, there are other ways she can contribute, be it cleaning, cooking, home repairs, etc etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't get this dealt with immediately, it can cause a real problem later, or worse yet, long-term resentment.  Money is a major part of real life, and to pretend that it's not an issue would be a recipe for disaster.  Good on you for asking advice from others.  You'll get a lot of varying responses on a delicate question like this; it's up to you to consider them all and make up your own mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Good luck!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7393" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T09:00:20.523" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-18T09:02:34.337" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short version : Both your behaviors are inappropriate, but the age difference and connection makes that doubly bad for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a rule of thumb : you should not be dating or in a relationship with someone whose age is less than around half you age plus seven years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Vic&quot; is 44.  That rule of thumb puts his lower limit age range at about 29.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you're way out of the &quot;recommended sane range&quot; for Vic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what's far worse is that he started eying you up when you were 17.  That's under legal age in many places and you were a friend's daughter - that's off limits by any normal expected behavior for a guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And he's married.  Is there any rule of behavior this guy doesn't break ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So his behavior is that of a very selfish and creepy guy.  Now I'm going by your description, and that may not be entirely accurate, but it's what I have to go on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not trust him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And a rule for you : marriages look different from the outside than the inside.  Don't ever get involved with someone married.  Ever.  Get involved with a married person when they're divorced (not separated, because they go back to the wives a lot of the time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I approach a conversation about this with him (if there is any to be had). I don't want to be some sort of home wrecker, but he is giving me signals as if he wants something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He wants something.  And he'll possibly use you for sex and then dump you when the going gets tough.  He'll say what you want to hear (if he's what I think) and then when you look for more than &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; wants to give, you'll be dumped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen this before and it's hurt friends of mine.  A lot and for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am so confused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're young (even at 21), that's natural.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And a guy like this can ruin your young life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put it to you this way : how would you feel if your Dad were behaving like this guy to one of your friends ?  Would you encourage her to have a relationship with your Dad ?  I'm guessing we both know the answer to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For reference: Both of us are from South Asia, but living in America. I am currently 21 and he is 44.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly if he was a younger (say 30) and actually single I'd say good luck to you both and take your chances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Update: I know subconsciously, that I want for something to be there between us. I just don't know how to go about approaching a situation where I can make that happen, if that makes sense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you want is sometimes something you should walk away from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This rule works for desserts, jobs and, sad to say, relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here's a scary thought for ya : this sort of feeling probably won't ever go away.  I'm older than you (and Vic) and I still get that kind of &quot;run headlong into fire&quot; sensation.  It's just that experience has taught me two things :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Fire burns and touching it leaves scars&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The fire will pass and then one day you'll find a source of warmth that doesn't burn and lasts longer (and isn't 23 years older :-)).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There'll be plenty of better chances for romance, but this is the one where you learn to walk away from your desire.  Learning to know when to follow your desires and when to trust them is a lot of this stage of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But not Vic.  My gut says Vic is a creep. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And P.S.  As an older guy I'm 100% for women liking older men.  But there are sane limits and this isn't one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This time you should suffer your desire in silence and it will pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in a properly written script Mr. Right will turn up after that. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Response to OP's Update 2&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you are in essence saying is that you have a desire for a physical, but not deeply romantic, relationship with this older married man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all note that you've previously said you did find him charismatic or romantic.  So you have all the signs of someone trying to say the equivalent of &quot;I can stop any time I want to, so it can't hurt to start&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's as simple as this : he's married and ( being as broadminded as possible here ) it would be morally wrong without the wife's full consent.  Wives normally don't go for that idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; desire if she's not willing ?  Tough luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Life doesn't provide you with everything you want, no matter how badly.  Sometimes you have to walk away and this is more than likely one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question of should you do it behind the wife's back is a simple moral one.  No one but you and the husband can make that decision.  But it would be morally wrong period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should you do it if the wife does consent ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would strongly advise against it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sex combined with your apparent romantic interest is an overpowering cocktail for anyone (regardless of age).  Even if you entered this expecting nothing more than a sexual relationship, you will often find that that will not last long and you'll want more.  And that's especially the case if it all works out well without other problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your original post you indicated you considered the man and his wife's relationship to be difficult, perhaps in trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all this is a very hard call to make from outside a relationship.  You'd be amazed how robust some relationships can be between people who, on the surface, bicker and squabble.  It's not that simple inside a long term relationship.  So be wary of surface impressions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, if their relationship is in trouble you should not stick yourself in the middle of something that might be merely a difficult period for them (I think all long term relationships have these).  This is where the term &#xA;home-wrecker comes in.  Please don't be one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly I'll cover an option you may be considering : trying to have a platonic but deep relationship with the man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I think this would be a bad choice.  It's like picking up a drink in a bar and saying you don't want it, but not putting it down.  Eventually you'll do something (or more precisely both of you will) which is one of the poor choices I mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying you can't be friends.  I'm saying it's a bad idea to pursue such a friendship when your head, heart and hormones are looking for more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my strong advice to you is to walk away from your desire.  It's a good lesson to learn for your life : be in control of your desires, not the other way around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't make you less passionate.  But it would make you stronger and less open to damaging life choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember finally that when you get involved with a married man, you're really involving yourself in his wife's relationship as well.  And perhaps his children's, if he has any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So there's more than you involved in these choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to remind you all that I am by no means a careless middle school/high school student.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With respect, what you are having trouble with is controlling your desires.  With more maturity you will gain that.  And if you were as mature a thinker as you may feel you are, you would not need advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But Vic's flirtations (taking your view of them on face value) indicate someone with dubious moral priorities.  I addressed this in my first response and I'd remind you to consider those views again.  Pursuing a relationship with a free agent is one thing : Vic is not a free agent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastEditorUserId="488" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T00:31:06.387" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T00:31:06.387" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5527" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T09:11:55.307" Score="71" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seldom I've seen a question that is so well separated into two worlds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you can settle this by dividing the risks and possibilities, and manage expectations with precision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your nightmare:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She moves in with you, lives in comfort on your pocket either indefinitely or until a better opportunity presents itself. Any 'love' in the equation is just that, calculative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her nightmare:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She moves in with you, burning all her ships, she fails to meet your unrealistic expectations and ends up desolate, desperate, on the streets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reality will be somewhere in between.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Communicate your fears.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Do not beat around the bush, come out with the ugly truth, and explain &lt;em&gt;why it scares you so&lt;/em&gt;. It scares you because it may destroy your relationship. No way around it, you two are forced by events to jump into the deep without being exactly ready. Such is life.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask about her fears.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I suspect she may be uncertain about her prospects, and she may be hesitant about lowering her standards and either fail to or capture a dead-end job.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talk through the options.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Hopefully after 1. and 2. most of the emotions are out of the way. So what are the options? Break up, long-distance relationship, not move at all (this seems to have been passed up already), move as planned (but with expectations clearly laid out &lt;em&gt;beforehand&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Decide.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This needs to be done together, as it involves both your lives in no small way. You have actually made this all very confrontational by accepting the job and hiring the apartment &lt;em&gt;that you can pay for&lt;/em&gt;. This means you left your options open.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some ideas.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This may go way too far for your taste. But I've noticed that any relationship that fails to have balance eventually blows up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Get a smaller place until your girlfriend has a job. Cuddle and share the rewards on success.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let her tell you what her plan is to get that new job. No mistake getting a job IS a job.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let her visit and feel the waters/have job interviews instead of moving (and committing 100%) all at once.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Move by yourself initially and use the first period to investigate what her prospects are in the new city. Network a bit. Then decide.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway good luck with the big adventure!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T12:55:57.490" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T12:55:57.490" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5528" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5505" CreationDate="2017-10-18T09:39:44.363" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My diagnosis is that you are suffering from something called the human condition. And the prognosis is not good and inevitable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, you are not weird, just human. If you search the term &quot;What I should have said&quot; on the internet for instance, you'll notice that you are not alone in your dilemma. People are making memes, songs and writing books on the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your response is perfectly fine and normal; laughter is the desired effect from telling a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be weird is if you kicked the dog or ignored your neighbor altogether. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3796" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T09:39:44.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T09:49:52.413" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Explain your side of the story, you want things to be fair for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; as well&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want to pay 100%, which is fair and everybody can understand that. Just explain that you don't might being a buffer for a bit because you're in a (supportive) relationship together, but that that has it's limits as it's your money which you should be able to spend as you prefer (like being some nice flowers for your girlfriend ;) ).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can bring this up in increasing intervals, she should have time to fix it. First, you bring this up lightly, then slightly more assertive, until it is a hard deadline. This can take a few weeks/months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her contribution does not perse have to be financial.&lt;/strong&gt; She can clean up, do dishes, laundry, grocery shopping etc. Her contribution can be &lt;em&gt;tasks&lt;/em&gt;, giving you some more spare time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T11:14:16.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5504" CreationDate="2017-10-18T09:59:14.557" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a landlord as a side business, so I've pretty much seen it all, from the tenant who returns the flat without a single grain of dust even on the top of the cupboards (these get a discount, lol) to the... well, you know, when the neighbors call because of the smell asking if someone died in there, so I go check, and I find the door open, no-one inside, and it turns out the tenant was too cheap to buy cat litter, so the cupboards under the kitchen sink have a foot thick layer of cat poop in them, the electricity has been cut months ago because he was too cheap to pay, and the fridge is still full of what may once had been food... first time I had to wear a gas mask, LOL&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, your roommate problem is known as the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tragedy_of_the_commons&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Tragedy of the Commons&lt;/a&gt; aka &quot;I don't need to clean if someone else will!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This problem is probabilistic: say you pick 5 roommates from a population of 80% orderly people who clean and 20% slobs. If you get a good sample you'll have 1 slob and 4 who like it clean. After a few months, one of the  4 &quot;cleaners&quot; gets fed up with always having to clean the slob's dishes and goes on a strike. So you get 2 slobs and 3 cleaners, then the process accelerates until everyone gives up and you live in a trash heap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The different cultures you mention may very well have different average levels of slobs/moochers vs orderly/cleaning people. Or maybe you just got lucky with your sampling of Americans. But in any case, introduce one slob/moocher into a well-organized set of roommates, it will become a wreck unless drastic measures are applied to civilize or expel the slob/moocher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now since I'm French I find myself in a good position to explain your persistent problems with French people ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;French neighbors in student dormitory in France came often to knock at my door in the middle of night and sometimes they entered the room drunk to make noise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The probabilistic approach explained above extends to a dorm, except the sample is much larger (like 50 people) so the probability of having some low-lifes bent on waking up everyone else the night before the exam becomes 100%.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was in a dorm this was quickly resolved by all the people who would like to actually have their diploma at the end of the year ganging together and applying buckets of cold water to the drunks. It kinda worked, some were quite intent on making everyone's life miserable though, so when it got to the point of pillowfights I rented my own flat. A few weeks later I learned that they were filling their pillows with hardcover books, and was informed it was effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your Lebanese roommate with his knife had a rather bad idea though, regarding going to jail and all that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Female French roommate in France caused a lot of noise at night, stole my food, had nervous breakdowns and acted very rudely with me. She appeared to be psychologically troubled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say you got a random sample of crazy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Female French roommate (for only a few days, since I arrived just before she left the house) said that my habit of cleaning up common areas that appear to be neglected by the others could become a source of conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we're getting into the juicy bits. Quoting your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I fell that it looks like I am a trouble maker for European people and I can't see what am I doing wrong. I don't have any particular rant against Europeans in general, but it seems that their values are simply too complex for me to understand&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason you had bad experience with the French is that our culture is very reliant on the welfare state, ie everyone expects free stuff without effort, which means lack of self-reliance and lack of individual responsibility. This is deeply ingrained into the mentality. If you were raised as an independent-minded individual you should have trouble understanding this, but I assure you it is true. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You doing the dishes creates a higher standard of cleanliness which she would now feel complied to respect. This is why she resents it and labels it &quot;a source of conflict&quot;. Because by being responsible, serious and respectable, you show her that she is not, and she doesn't like that. Obviously she would never say it, so she accuses you of &quot;creating conflict&quot;. Got it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same happens quite frequently at some workplaces, when someone who works hard will be reminded by his colleagues that he should work less, because they don't want competition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to insist on the word &quot;competition&quot; here, in the aspect of &quot;comparing oneself to others&quot;: when you do something good in front of someone who is not averse to this, they will either respect you, try to do better or try to do at least as good. When you do it in front of someone who loathes competition/comparison due to a repressed inferiority complex they will understand it as you boasting how much better you are than them, deeply resent it or get envious, and try to prevent you from doing it again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what happens. It is textbook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;French roommate in France got upset when he saw me doing his dishes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, same interpretation as above ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure you'll be surprised by this, but it is true. I've seen it happen IRL countless times and find this kind of attitude (his, not yours) very irritating. For example I remember the teachers telling my parents that I should have lower grades because it &quot;demoralized the other students&quot; (LOL).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if I do the chores for him, which, whenever I do I never expect anything back and most my other roommates so far never complained about that or sometimes even praise me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, that's because you're a decent normal guy IMO. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T09:59:14.557" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5531" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-18T11:38:03.630" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;In both question and answer I see a fundamental myth perpetuated that is spread through a host of romantic books and motion pictures: that a mutual attraction is something unique that warrants acting upon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It isn't.  In the supermarket and in restaurants food is presented in appetizing manners and we are not expected to bite into the exhibits and/or buy all that appeals to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a similar vein, sexual attraction is a rather basic feeling that only has the meaning we ascribe to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Acting upon it without considering the consequences reduces man to animal.  You look at the price tag, check whether it's worth the expense, and if not, move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have the necessary experience for comparing the price tags.  Vic should have.  He is not after your intellect since you have not yet had a whole lot of time and experience to develop it.  However, there is quite less for him at risk than for you: even if our information is filtered through your rose-tinted glasses, he does not seem to care a whole lot for his wife, so basically it's his friendship with your father that could be jeopardized.  That, however, is a lot more replaceable than your ties with your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart from your fawning over his &quot;mysterious&quot; aura (which is straight out of Jane Austen novels and Twilight movies), your main attraction to him seems to be his apparent interest in your features.  Which Western clothing is designed to accentuate, so for better or worse, his perceiving you as female and attractive is not as such unusual but rather &quot;working&quot; as intended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Acting&lt;/em&gt; on such a perception is a completely different thing.  There are cultures where this is not understood well and females have to cover themselves completely up in clothes not allowing them to be perceived as such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's overall a worse option in my book.  But in your case, you ascribe more meaning to the effects of our more interesting approach than is good for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have the kind of life experience to feel certain about such decisions, but I would strongly suggest that you forget about Jane Austen and Twilight approaches to your current situation and try gradually defusing it mainly for your own sake.  This may sound sort of stupid, but you might want to dress more conservatively when you know he's around and thus avoid feeding your mutual attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you want to entertain notions of being destined for each other and everlasting love, there's no harm in waiting out five years or so before acting.  If his personal situation hasn't changed by then, it can't be that inconvenient for him.  And more likely than not, you'll have a different outlook on life and love by then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7404" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T11:38:03.630" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5532" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5542" CreationDate="2017-10-18T11:39:26.890" Score="7" ViewCount="1563" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A close family friend who has given my brother a lot of photography work in the past offered me some work designing and implementing some new websites for a brand new business that she is involved with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Working for her boss&lt;/strong&gt;, I was to write 6 websites in wix for $150 each. No formal contracts were signed, and it was verbally agreed that after the first website was completed (1 - 2 days), I would be paid $150 and begin the second, then the third etc etc, until all websites were completed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I began implementing the first website on the promise that she would send me the pictures, text and other information that I needed to complete it. &lt;strong&gt;I have completed 2 websites up to this point of needing the details to continue&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After months of waiting for the details, receiving the same &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;They are coming soon just be patient&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; reply, I have still not received these details. I have accepted that these details are never coming and would now like to be paid for the work I completed all those months ago. (2 x $150)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have been incredibly slow and disorganized in their dealings with me, and I feel as though I should not have to wait any longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How do I tactfully ask for this payment, given that she has helped my brother in the past? &lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm worried that if I simply send an invoice this may be taken as rude and potentially strain our friendship. My job situation has since changed and I no longer have the time or need to complete the work, so continuing to wait for the delay to conclude and then finish the sites is not an option for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7401" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-04-09T17:39:22.610" Title="How do I ask a close family friend who keeps delaying communication to pay me for the work I've done" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5534" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5532" CreationDate="2017-10-18T11:50:44.870" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You designed the websites. If they want you to finish them, they've got to give you all the things you need in order to have the job done. When they don't do so, stop working. Even when they we helping/shooting your Brother there still is no reason for you to continue the work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I would send an email to the boss. If you don't get an answer, just stop working on those pages and don't give them your work till they give you all you need and/or get paid for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe not the most polite way to handle it, but I think this is one of the only ways to get what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4728" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-04T15:33:00.087" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T15:33:00.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5536" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-18T12:05:03.070" Score="7" ViewCount="1601" Body="&lt;p&gt;How can I make someone give me the weights they're not using at the gym?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last night I went to the gym and there was one of the regular guys there hogging about 8 different sets of dumbbells and two barbells and I needed to use one of the dumbbell sets he had so I went up to him and I asked him if I could borrow the 20kg dumbbells and he said &quot;No sorry I am using the 20kg dumbbells&quot; so I said &quot;Ok&quot; and left to do a different exercise while I waited for him to be done with the 20kg dumbbells (I needed these specifically because they are the perfect weight for my exercise that I needed to do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I waited about 30 minutes, and occasionally glanced over and he used the 20kg dumbbells ONCE during this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After 30 minutes he took the dumbbells back to the rack and I could finally use the 20kg dumbbells but my real question is: if someone is just holding the weights in their area and not using them how can I make them give them to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6279" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T22:15:38.557" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T09:36:55.200" Title="How to convince someone to share the free weights at the gym?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;exercise&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5538" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5536" CreationDate="2017-10-18T12:23:51.867" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are really only three things to do in cases like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask politely (seems like you've already done this)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Escalate to the gym staff - ask if it's appropriate for people to hog the equipment they're not specifically using. Often times, situations like this are covered in the written rules of the place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they do nothing, suck it up or change the gym you use.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree that this guy's behaviour is quite rude, but there is really nothing that you, as a customer, can do to &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; other people give you the equipment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7410" LastEditorDisplayName="user5547" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T00:03:18.430" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T00:03:18.430" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5539" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T12:25:19.450" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've already made an enormous misstep here - you've made it about &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;, and not about keeping up with rent.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's entirely reasonable to ask your girlfriend who is living with you to help with the rent in some capacity - after all, if you can't pay it, you're &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; out of a home.  But by focusing on whether or not she's 'actually' searching for work, you've turned it around and made the issue about her instead.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to bring the real issue back into focus - explain to her that it isn't about criticizing her behavior, it's about making sure you can continue to pay for and live in your apartment.  You &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; even offer to help her search for work - it's very hard, and very stressful to find employment these days, especially in a new place that neither of you have any roots in.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it continues to be a problem though, and it's clear that she isn't taking this seriously, then you need to have a more complete one-on-one conversation with her about your living situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside - you &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; invite her to live with you, so if you didn't have a plan for if your girlfriend couldn't find work, that's not &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; fault, it's &lt;em&gt;yours&lt;/em&gt;.  Keep this in mind when making plans for the future.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastEditorUserId="3209" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T13:52:51.120" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T13:52:51.120" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5541" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T12:51:32.540" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, let me assure you - you did not hurt her. She just wants to avoid this discussion. Imagine the situation is opposite: she has a room, you move in, she expects you to pay half the rent. Would you be &quot;hurt&quot; by that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, consider this fact: &lt;strong&gt;it's impossibly hard to change an adult person&lt;/strong&gt;, even for a professional psychoanalyst. If you believe something is wrong with her attitude, don't expect it to be magically fixed later. No, love does not help too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answering your question, no in this case you should not &quot;ask&quot; her to be your partner. You should &lt;strong&gt;require&lt;/strong&gt; that she is not your passenger (unless you want one of course). If she is a decent person, just not ready for this serious step, she will react adequately. If she is not, she will not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7412" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T12:51:32.540" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5532" CreationDate="2017-10-18T13:21:44.077" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This would best be put in the form of a question.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them you are as far as you can and need input. Offer to demonstrate the work as it is. Kindly inform them that your planned time-line is getting out of synch and that you want to avoid any trouble so it would be best to proceed with dispatch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh yes by the way how would you like the payments to be processed? Currently outstanding is 2 x $150 I'd like to wrap that up on short notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best make sure you have a paper trail, initially by using email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you are really unable (or unwilling) to finish the work it may be more productive to let (part of) the money go and settle for credit. If you are listed as designer of these sites it will aid your professional credibility. In the long run that could be worth more than the cash in hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have not yet looked at your work, yes? They may have comments. They may not like what you did. They may require loads of rework. They may even have hired elsewhere or gotten a volunteer to do it instead. In short, your work may never get to be on-line, never produce any income.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, best leave open a back door for a quiet mutually beneficent settlement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T13:21:44.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5543" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5547" CreationDate="2017-10-18T13:24:06.240" Score="64" ViewCount="21710" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few years ago I overheard my mom talking to her mom about removing the grandchildren from their will. My mom was making the point that she doesn't want us having everything handed to us, how we need to learn how to work hard. At the time I mentioned it to my sibling who brought it up to my parents.  My mom defended herself by bringing up a motorcycle my sibling was thinking about buying and used it as an example of the kind of thing my mom didn't want us to waste money on.  To be fair, my parents put both my brother and me through college, rent, food and all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were recently visiting my grandparents, and I overheard my grandma reiterating to my mom and her sister that she wasn't leaving anything to the grandkids. As it stands all money goes to them, and they can distribute to us as they wish. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hearing this is very bothersome to me. I never had any expectations of getting money from my relatives and always just figured I would live off the money I earn myself. It bothers me that my mom thinks I don't work hard or that I would spend any inheritance inappropriately.  It's like my mom is taking a gift from my grandma to me and saying I don't deserve it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really isn't about the money at all, I didn't even expect anything before I heard about all this.  I would even be happy if they left me an old mug. It's more about my mom interfering and her interpretation of my work ethic.  I sense that I may sound a bit like a bratty millennial here, so I'm looking for perspective. My goal is to better understand why my mom took these actions and to use that information to see if there is any action I should take to resolve my feelings about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I talk to my mom about the reason behind her actions and why she thinks what she thinks about my work ethic?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7411" LastEditorUserId="7411" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T15:31:54.043" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T17:30:42.303" Title="Parent asked grandparents to take the grandkids out of the will" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;grandparents&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5546" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-18T13:56:02.583" Score="0" ViewCount="423" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, I've heard of the stories of people from different US states having long-distance relationships and eventually flying to each other and meeting up that way.  But I get the feeling that this is very atypical.  So the question is, &lt;em&gt;typically&lt;/em&gt;, what is the furthest distance you should consider travelling for a relationship with someone if it's to stand a good chance of success?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am dating someone who is about an hour's drive away and they have stated that they're concerned about the distance.  We both have cars so it's about half an hour's drive to meet up half way.  It doesn't seem like too much distance to me but am I being unrealistic?  What hurdles would this kind of distance present long-term and would they be likely to cause the relationship to fail. Furthermore, if these hurdles are not too bad, how can I communicate to the other person that the distance is not prohibitive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7419" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T14:08:04.677" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T14:27:56.400" Title="Will an hour's drive place too much of a barrier on a relationship?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;online-relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-10-18T14:30:45.650" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5547" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5543" CreationDate="2017-10-18T14:12:43.073" Score="64" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...its kind of like my mom is taking a gift from my grandma to me and saying I don't deserve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand your point. I sympathize and know how you feel. I also understand your mother's point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom is doing what she thinks is best for you and your brother, and she has every right to do that, even if her ideas about how the money would affect you are different from yours. And, no, she is not being unreasonable. She has a right to believe what she believes, as you have a right to disagree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom is talking to &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; mom personally. Your grandmother has that important relationship to consider, especially at her age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your grandmother's money is just that: her money. She doesn't owe it to anyone. A major thing many grandparents want to do with their money for their grandchildren is start a college fund for them. That's over now. You both have the means to earn a decent living. Sure, more money would give you benefits, but you have what you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Its more about my mom interfering and her interpretation of my work ethic... My goal is to better understand why my mom took these actions and to use that information to see if there is any action I should take to resolve my feelings about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Principles to apply when you want to 'have a talk' with someone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let the other person pick the time. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give them an idea what it will be about.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go in expecting to learn something potentially unpleasant about yourself and don't argue. You want her opinion. Keep an open mind.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stay on track. Discuss principles and feelings, not a lot of examples.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do a lot more listening than explaining.&lt;/strong&gt; Your goal is to understand, not convince.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember that &lt;em&gt;understanding&lt;/em&gt; is different than &lt;em&gt;agreeing&lt;/em&gt;. This means that once you've said something a couple of different ways, if the other person doesn't agree, it doesn't mean they don't understand. It means they don't agree. Repeating yourself is detrimental to the discussion. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember that understanding is different than agreeing. Your mother may be wrong about you. You don't have to agree with her to understand what she believes about you.   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thank the person for taking the time and being willing to talk to you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might go something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, I'm struggling with what you told grandmother about her will. I would like to discuss this with you and understand why you believe the things you do. Can we do that? When can we talk? Thanks, I'm looking forward to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd advise you to talk calmly and respectfully to your mother about what you feel, the gifting, your work ethic, the whole of it. As a potential compromise, you can ask that the money be put in a trust for you both when you reach a more mature age. That's quite common. Don't go down rabbit holes (e.g. motorcycle/other potential &quot;wastes of money&quot;.) Stick to principles. (Trusts assume you will be wiser when you finally inherit the money.) Then continue to live the way &lt;em&gt;you want to live&lt;/em&gt;. It's your life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My only other advice to you is that, once you've spoken with your mom, truly let this go. That money isn't yours, it isn't your mother's, it might not even exist by the time your grandmother dies. Or your grandmother might develop a passion for something and leave all her money to a school for the deaf, who knows? But it's not yours in any sense &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt;. Don't let the subject of your grandmother's money come up again if it's used as a tool to manipulate your behavior. Just treat it like it doesn't exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let imaginary gifts mess with your relationships in real time. Cherish your grandmother. Cherish your mother, too, if you can. They will be gone someday, maybe sooner than you think. Money is a very poor substitute for good relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T15:09:57.137" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T15:09:57.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5536" CreationDate="2017-10-18T14:26:43.117" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could add a timeframe for how long you will need them. That way he has an idea of when he'll get them back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also leads into a reply with when and how long the other guy will be needing them in case there is a conflict. Which in turn can lead into more detailed negotiation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6635" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T14:26:43.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5546" CreationDate="2017-10-18T14:27:56.400" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Context: I have been in several long distance relationships, one of which was several thousand miles away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the largest barrier here is access. An hour apart from one another is right on the cusp of being far enough away that you have to consider if the drive is going to be worth it at each event. This means that every date, every netflix night, every coffee, requires an unfortunate amount of planning and forethought. This doesn't have to be inherently bad, and can make the time you have together feel particularly special.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also means that, at the start of the relationship at least, there will constantly be more pressure than in a close-distance relationship. If something comes up last minute, one person might be left driving two hours for nothing. If you get into a fight and one person storms out, well that fight might not get resolved in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of this should be read as telling you NOT to go for it, though. If you two like each other, and you feel comfortable jumping in to a bit more of a commitment than most relationships would start out with, 100% go for it. Just keep your communication levels high and maybe buy a day planner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7151" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T14:27:56.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5543" CreationDate="2017-10-18T14:31:21.603" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's very natural to feel bothered by the situation. If I had to venture a guess, I would say that you probably feel betrayed, and disappointed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mother is the person who should be most aware of your achievements, your work ethic, and your ambitions. And yet she seems to not only find you wanting, but seeks to force that viewpoint on other members of your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a harsh situation to handle at the best if times. Certainly, it may affect your relationship with her going forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, there's no great way to handle it. You may wish to approach her and express your disappointment in the fact that she went around your back and asked this of your grandmother rather than discuss her concerns with you openly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also have to explain that although she may disagree with some of your spending habits, or financial priorities, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you are not her&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did not grow up in the same social and economic environment as she did. You do not have the same personality, and have not been shaped by the same experiences and hardships as her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, some people never accept the fact that their kids will go their own way, and make decisions (or indeed mistakes) that they themselves would have avoided. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you how to handle the situation? Accept that your mother doesn't see eye to eye with you. Accept that she may pull stunts like this in the future. Don't come to rely on her for anything, and go about your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to (and it's arguably not healthy), to try and spend your life proving her wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T14:31:21.603" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5553" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5556" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:09:52.637" Score="30" ViewCount="10572" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, we’ve all had a situation where someone is coming into—our out of—some place, we notice someone coming towards the doorway we are in… At what point is it safe to just let a door close an not hold it open?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By my benchmark, if I make eye contact with someone who is close to me (behind or in front) or I see they are struggling with bags and things they are carrying—or are physically impaired in some way—I feel I should be able to hold the door open. But if someone is out of eyesight—and not struggling carrying bags or items or physically impaired in some way—I can let the door close.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or is the solution just to not even think about this and just walk through the doorway and let people “fend for themselves” when it comes to opening a door for themselves?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For context, I am talking about doors to buildings and physical structures that don’t automatically open. I am &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; focusing on doors to subways, trains and elevators. I am located in a major city in the northeast part of the U.S. if that adds context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S.: I am also not talking about “access control” or restricted areas or anyplace that is supposedly “climate controlled.” I am not asking to explain the obvious in common sense situations like that. This is simply a question about normal social expectations in a situation where access is clear and open; possibly public as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T18:24:49.623" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T06:13:21.757" Title="Under what circumstances is it okay to not hold a door open?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5553" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:13:54.490" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My rule of thumb is if they are close enough that I can talk to them without shouting, I'll hold the door. Or in bad weather (rain, snow, etc) I'll extend it about double that distance. Likewise, if they are carrying something or their hands are full, I'll also double my normal distance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7431" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T15:13:54.490" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5553" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:19:35.830" Score="49" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually determine this by distance and perceived ability. Are they close enough to the door to not feel obligated to  walk faster for my benefit and are they able to easily open the door themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like if someone is far away it usually gets a little awkward, they feel pressed to hurry and you get stuck letting the ac vent out of the building for longer than necessary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is far away and has their hands full, I usually let the door close and wait a moment or two till they're closer to open the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most situations you're not really obligated to hold the door, it's just a nice gesture. The only instance where I would consider it rude is when the person is following directly behind and they'd have to grab the door before it even had a chance to close fully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T15:19:35.830" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5558" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5306" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:23:59.040" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife is bi-polar and was in the middle of a sub-manic phase when I started dating her. As much sympathy as I had for her when she told me her story on our first date, we were careful to be very slow in developing our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest warning sign to me is that you are already seriously emotionally involved. She is already living with you 5 or more days at a time after only a month and a half of dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've barely gotten a chance to know her and let your relationship develop with healthy boundaries. You should still just be a friendly observer in her life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are trying to take on too much responsibility for her. You need to strictly limit the amount of time you spend with her at this early stage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to develop a healthy relationship, I would recommend not allowing her to spend any time at your place and only spending a few hours together per week in some activity away from your homes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She needs to be able to go outside on her own to meet with you. If you aren't insisting that she do that, you are enabling her in self-destructive habits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6579" LastEditorUserId="6579" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T15:29:15.773" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T15:29:15.773" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5560" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5567" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:34:48.037" Score="108" ViewCount="12756" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be clear, this is not a situation where it is an abusive relationship. This was an interaction that took place in an impromptu manner in a public setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was relaxing at an outdoor area in a local open air shopping mall, when a group of four late teens/early twenty-somethings stopped near me and began taunting someone about their assumed background and intentions based on the clothing she was wearing and skin tone (Appeared to be of Arab descent, wearing a hijab).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They didn't appear to be physically violent, their rhetoric was mainly along the lines of associating her with terrorist acts and asking &quot;how soon before you snap?&quot; and similar. The lady was clearly uncomfortable and refusing to engage in conversation, which seemed to encourage them to provoke some sort of reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did intervene in the conversation, choosing to talk the group directly in an attempt to get them to stop. Abuse was transferred, and even though I used moderated tones and non aggressive postures, they didn't appear willing to back down at all. Security came by and escorted the group away, so the situation was resolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, is there a better way to intervene in a situation like that? Is there a way to defuse a situation such as this without the risk of escalation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorUserId="5568" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T14:29:16.263" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T14:29:16.263" Title="How to intervene in a random abuse/harassment situation?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;&lt;social-cues&gt;&lt;intervention&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5561" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5553" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:40:49.430" Score="19" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR: If they're 20+ seconds away, don't hold the door. If they're 10+ seconds away, it depends on the person.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have this issue a lot, especially when it comes to going into my dorm. The outer doors lock automatically when they close, so if I hold the door, I can save someone the hassle of having to get their ID to unlock it again. Plus, the doors are heavy, and not exactly easy to open (or shut!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, I look at a bunch of things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How urgent is my destination? Where do I need to get to, and how quickly? There's a balance of convenience, between what's convenient for me and what's convenient for them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How long will it be until they reach the door? This is the thing I look at most; see below.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are they carrying bags, and are they having any trouble with them? Something like a purse or backpack isn't a huge burden; two heavy suitcases might be.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is there anyone else in the vicinity who will go in or out soon after me, and could they hold the door briefly? Maybe it will only take them 5 seconds to hold the door, when it would take me 20.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is the person elderly or otherwise infirm? I think most people are generally more respectful to old people, especially if they have a walker, cane, wheelchair, etc. That said, the presence of a handicap button to open the door could help them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do I know this person? Maybe I want to talk to them; maybe I don't want to be rude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does the person see me, and are they hurrying up because they see me holding the door?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's how I, in general, judge whether or not to hold the door, based on how long I'd have to wait:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;0-5 seconds:&lt;/strong&gt; Hold the door under most circumstances unless I'm literally running somewhere out of urgency. I can spare 5 seconds of my life to be nice to someone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5-10 seconds:&lt;/strong&gt; If the person is elderly or struggling with bags, then I'll absolutely hold the door. If there's someone who will get to the door after me but before them, though, I'll let the door close if I think that person will hold the door. Again, 5-10 seconds isn't a huge burden for me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;10-20 seconds:&lt;/strong&gt; Is the person is, again, impaired in some way - physically or with luggage - then I'll &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; hold the door. Again, though, odds are decent that someone else will come in 5-10 seconds before this other person, if it's a busy enough area.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;20+ seconds:&lt;/strong&gt; I'll hold the door only if this person is in some sort of emergency.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that if you hold open the door, the other person may feel obligated to get there quicker - and you don't want an old person to start trying to jog your way if they feel bad for you! Likewise, if someone with bags starts to run, they might end up dropping the bags, which means that you'd have to wait until they pick them all up, which just ends up annoying everyone. You can counteract any potential feelings of guilt by smiling and making it clear that you're just happy to help them out - assuming that's the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for reference, if a person's walking at 4 miles per hour, then they can travel about 100 meters per minute. So 10 seconds = 16 meters, 20 seconds = 32 meters, etc. 1 meter is about 3 feet, so if the person is less than 50 feet away, you should probably hold the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's sometimes tempting to prop open the door with a doorstop or rock, if you think nobody's going to come by but you have to go. &lt;strong&gt;Don't do this.&lt;/strong&gt; Many places would consider this a security risk, and it could set off (fire/burglar) alarms or let out cold or warm air, depending on the season and heating. People at my college have gotten into trouble for propping over outer doors, mainly for the security reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a final note, I'm a young person, and supposedly energetic and fit. The person may expect (or not expect) you to hold the door, depending on your age and build.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T16:24:40.327" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:44:28.287" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to break your question down into parts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I approach a conversation about this with him (if there is any&#xA;  to be had).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't have a conversation with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to be some sort of home wrecker,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but he is giving me signals as if he wants something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Indeed he is.  You should avoid him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am so confused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not actually confused, what's happening is you have conflicting desires. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Desire 1: you want to be a good person (you don't want to contribute to his wife and his kids feeling the pain of betrayal). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Desire 2: Apparently you're attracted to him and want a sexual relationship with him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't full fill both desires.  You will have to sacrifice one in order to get the other.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have to do this all the time in life.  Sacrifice one of our desires or goals for a more important desire or goal&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So choose which Desire is more important to you and follow it.&lt;/strong&gt;  Knowing full well you have rejected the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Which Desire should you choose?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice, stay away from this man.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Encouraging him in any way will &lt;em&gt;most likely&lt;/em&gt; lead to his betraying his family.  Which means you will have contributed to his wife and children's suffering. &#xA;(This includes talking to him and smiling at him, he will see these actions as encouragment.) &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It seems likely from your question that a relationship with this man would cause disruption in your own family as well. So that's extra pain and suffering in your life that you could avoid. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he will betray his Wife who he is expressly committed to then he'll most likely betray you too. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution:&lt;/strong&gt;  Go find some one who is unattached to start a relationship with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go dancing, join some clubs, or start dating online.  Go out in the world and meet other men.  You can find someone else who you are attracted to, to start a relationship with.  There are a lot of upstanding, attractive, single men out there for you.  If you go look for them you'll find them.  And you can be a good person while doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="1919" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T02:00:16.407" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T02:00:16.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5563" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5553" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:52:12.300" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I gauge it on whether it's actually going to help the person, vs provoke that half-jog to get to the door.  15-20 feet is about right.  If your &quot;door openee&quot; is a touch further, it doesn't usually make sense unless:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Target is elderly&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Target is overburdened&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You're trying to be charming; of course this is getting into flirting territory instead of basic good manners&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side-note:  I got a date once by opening an automatic door for a lady with a smile and declaration of &quot;I got this&quot;...   ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T15:52:12.300" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5564" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5603" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:56:36.217" Score="28" ViewCount="9151" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key word here is “ineffectively.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no problem with someone holding a door open for me. They hold it open, I thank them, life goes on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But something I have noticed recently is that some people are excessively and ineffectively holding a door open to the point they are actually not helping anyone; they are just getting in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends on the situation—and even the physical nature of the door itself—but generally it’s a situation where the other person’s arm or even whole body is in the way of me actually getting through the doorway. Their basic physical presence makes it impossible to pass and they seem to not even move even if I grab the door and hold it open myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically I say, “It’s okay… Thanks…”—or non-verbally indicate, “Nope! Thanks!”—in hopes of getting the other person out of the way so I can actually pass them. But in some cases, people don’t understand they are being ineffective in their efforts and might even take my dismissal as being “rude.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For context I am located in a major city in the northeast part of the U.S. Verbal or non-verbal cues are fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T15:00:51.403" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T22:07:36.167" Title="How can I politely tell someone who is ineffectively holding a door open for me, “Thanks, but no thanks.”" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5560" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:57:45.290" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a broad situation with many factors.&#xA;Did the woman do anything to provoke this kind of behaviour? What were the exact claims of the &quot;abusers&quot;? How persistent were they with their abuse? Would they have let go pretty quick? How did you engage them and what do you look like?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the situation you describe I would say that this was the right thing to do. It seems like the woman was minding her own business and the group of harassers intervened without reason. I also suspect the group dynamic escalated the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your behaviour was fine too. However I would even consider to call security earlier depending on the situation. Two main concerns come to mind:&#xA;- personally I am not a strong or intimidating guy, so besides reminding them of what they are doing and maybe snapping them out of it, there isn't really much I can do. But even if you are physically strong you won't be able to restrain them all)&#xA;- as mentioned above the group dynamic can be quite dangerous and might even lead to physical injuries, so better get security at least in the area to respond quickly in case the verbal assault continues or escalates into physical assault&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T15:57:45.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-18T15:58:09.450" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try to flirt with him online, on facebook/whatsapp/whatever. He doesn't approach you because it could be dangerous for his reputation if you reject him and tell everyone. (look at this ton of judgemental comments, even here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as he realizes you really actually like him, he'll make steps too. At that point, you'll need to decide if you both want to be secret friends with benefits (doable) or have an actual relationship (a little harder, will require some guts from you both to withstand the pressure).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7412" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T04:13:01.363" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T04:13:01.363" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5560" CreationDate="2017-10-18T16:00:19.723" Score="117" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this specific situation I think you did the right thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, in most situations like these, the chances of a totally peaceable resolution are slim. People who go out looking for trouble are sure to find it, particularly if they're of that age group, have those racial/political leanings, and feel they have the reassurance of their group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing I can think of that might have deescalated the situation more readily would have been to buy them a round of drinks, a method I've observed in a few bars,  but do you really want to run the risk of encouraging this behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you did the right thing because you drew the attention away from the woman towards yourself, and from your previous question I assume you're more capable of defending yourself than she might have been. You also managed to keep your cool till security arrived, which means that you managed to keep the situation from becoming violent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, this sounds like a win. You acted like a decent human being in the face of something that many others wouldn't have the courage to get involved with. You deserved some congratulations here, so there it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="1685" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T19:55:47.583" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T19:55:47.583" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5569" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5560" CreationDate="2017-10-18T16:15:59.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although you have done a good deed and protected a vulnerable person from possible further harm there is a downside to your approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By using a non-confrontational approach the &amp;quot;abusers&amp;quot; will likely go and repeat their anti-social behaviour next time they meet a suitable &amp;quot;victim&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't be surprised if they treated being escorted off the premises by the security guards as a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me their behaviour is not abuse, but racial harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand you are in the US based on the comments to the question, but having said that, in the UK there are a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.harassmentlaw.co.uk/race.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;number of laws&lt;/a&gt; potentially being broken:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most recent legislation for dealing with neighbourhood harassment is section 1 of the Crime and Disorder Act 1998 . These sections came into force 1st April 1999 and created a new type of court order known as Anti-social Behaviour Orders. Often referred to as 'ASBO's these orders are seen by the government as forming a major part of their law and order strategy. A number of changes to ASBO's were introduced by sections 61 - 66 Police Reform Act 2002 and by sections 85 - 86 of the Anti-social behaviour Act 2003&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Protection from Harassment Act 1997. is the main legislation dealing with harassment. It creates 2 criminal offences (sections 2 &amp;amp; 4) and also authorises civil courts to award damages and make injunctions in harassment cases (section 3). Though it was passed primarily because of concern about 'stalking' the wording of the Act allows it to be used to cover other types of harassment as well as 'stalking'. This was clearly laid down by Mr Justice Collins in the High Court (Divisional Court) case of   Director of Public Prosecutions v Moseley, Selvanayagam and Woodling 9th June 1999 when he said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Whatever may have been the purpose behind the Act, its words are clear, and it can cover harassment of any sort'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Section 7 defines 'harassment' as including causing alarm or causing distress and states that a 'course of conduct' must involve conduct on at least 2 occasions&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have called the police and let them deal with it. The &amp;quot;thugs&amp;quot; are less likely to repeat their behaviour if they know there is a day in court and a fine of a few hundred pounds in the near future or more severe punishments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="87" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T16:28:36.543" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5571" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-18T09:50:53.043" Score="12" ViewCount="2141" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this question may be confusing to some of you; so I will try to explain myself as well as I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been interested in informatics and technology all my life. When I was young I started learning how to code. I spent time tinkering around developing little projects involving servers and OSs. Eventually, and unsuprisingly I started to study coding and went on to get a degree with a solid grade. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I find myself in my 20s in the first development related work experience I've ever had. I got this job quite soon after finishing my studies. I'm currently developing for a website development company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I keep getting the same annoying questions from coworkers, bosses, friends and/or people I get to know:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Do you like your job?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How is it working on something you really like?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or the most annoying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How is it getting paid for something you would do for free?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I find those questions so annoying are that people seem utterly confused, and some cases even annoyed when I tell them that I don't enjoy it THAT much, &lt;strong&gt;that it's only a job for me&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still love learning new stuff and tinkering on my own technologies and stuff that I'm interested in, but my job (in general) doesn't excite me &lt;strong&gt;THAT&lt;/strong&gt; much. So I have been feeling a uncomfortable when being presented with these kinds of questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since apparently you &lt;strong&gt;HAVE&lt;/strong&gt; to love your work when working in the IT/Development industry. However I don't think that me not &quot;loving&quot; my job is causing any trouble with my performance or the quality of my work. This is because that as a job, I take it very seriously and I put in the required effort. However clearly it doesn't seem to be enough for most people; they all seem to be pressuring me to conform to something that I don't agree with. I'm fairly certain that this same kind of behaviour is directed at people in other industries. Like for example cashiers, construction workers or regular administrative workers. Each of which ar eall equally valid jobs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how should I reply to those sorts of questions? How do I tell the people that to me, my job is just that, a job?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="Xeng Garcia" LastEditorUserId="8451" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T10:45:19.703" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T10:45:19.703" Title="How to tell other people that my job is only a job to me?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5571" CreationDate="2017-10-18T10:15:38.633" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;One approach would be to relate it to something that the person knows about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, you could say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Web development is a lot like building a house, fixing a car, or&#xA;  cleaning an apartment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You get a certain satisfaction from completing those jobs and doing&#xA;  those jobs really well, but it's a lot more fun when you're building your&#xA;  own house, fixing your own car, or cleaning your own apartment than doing&#xA;  the same for others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" OwnerDisplayName="Stephan Branczyk" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T10:15:38.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5573" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5571" CreationDate="2017-10-18T10:17:22.527" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell them that while you realise you are fortunate to have a job that somewhat aligns with some of your personal interests it's still a &lt;em&gt;job&lt;/em&gt;, not a vocation and you do it because you have bills to pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they keep pressing you for more detail you can explain that if you had no need for the income you'd still probably be coding etc but you'd be doing it as and when you felt like it and only on &quot;projects&quot; that piqued your interest. And you probably wouldn't be doing it 8 hours a day, five days a week!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" OwnerDisplayName="motosubatsu" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T10:17:22.527" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5574" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5571" CreationDate="2017-10-18T10:49:52.807" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;How you answer these questions depends on who is asking and what is the correct answer they want to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bosses: They want to know if you are unhappy enough to leave. Therefore if there are things they can fix tell them; but since the bigger picture view you have is not the answer they want to hear, don't tell them that it is just a job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworkers: They may report your attitude to management; but maybe they won't. So how you answer should mimic what they do. Everybody has complaints so some unhappiness is expected. But telling all your co-workers the job is just a job, may get back to management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Family: answer any way you want. They are probably not going to tell your boss. Though if you are too negative they may get concerned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People you get to know: If is is small talk then sarcastic answers can work, unless you met these people through work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of it this way. Imagine that you just found the perfect job, but you can't start for 90 days while they do a background investigation, so it isn't 100% guaranteed . Your current job is going to decide on layoffs soon. Your mission is to answer bosses and workers questions in a way to preserve the job you have. You wouldn't tell management: i don't care about this job, you would not want to give them an excuse to let you go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7439" OwnerDisplayName="mhoran_psprep" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T10:49:52.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5571" CreationDate="2017-10-18T11:26:08.967" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So what should be my answer to that question? How do I tell the people&#xA;  that my job is only a job for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say &quot;It's okay. My job is only a job to me.&quot; or something along those lines. And then you stop being annoyed by the reactions of others. Eventually those around you will stop asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't change how others feel. But you can change how you react to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2131" OwnerDisplayName="Joe Strazzere" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T11:26:08.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5564" CreationDate="2017-10-18T16:36:00.290" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually was just in this situation as the &quot;offender&quot;. Weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me tell you my side of the story, that might help you to understand why someone might actually act this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;short description of the area:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;straight hallway, pretty long but the area of question, from when I could see the person, was about 10 m&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the door was pretty much in the middle of us, so good timing to hold the door&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;door is pretty much a steel frame with a glass inside&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;pretty heavy door plus the pressure of the strong automatic door closer, so I push as far on the outside as I can to get leverage&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After opening the door (standing in the frame, the door is now to the right of me) I keep it open with my right arm. I could now step a bit to the right and keep it open with my body weight but then I notice that the person decided to pass me on my right side. Now I can't step to the right or I will bump into her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I keep my extended arm to keep it open. She comes closer and holds the door with a hand. Now I drop my arm and walk on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall the situation went quite well I think, although it could have gone better. But I don't see much of a fault with my behaviour. If she walked on the other side she could have easily passed me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now in your case I would try to pay attention if similar things happen to you. Maybe you also signal that you want to pass between the door and the person. Try to make it clear that you intend to pass on the other side if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also try to find reasons why the person might not be able to keep the door any other way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't avoid it or if people just persist try to do it like the girl in my story. Hold the door with one hand, say thanks and signal that you wait for them to pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doors are straight from hell, with the nearly endless supply of awkward situations they provide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T16:36:00.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5578" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5560" CreationDate="2017-10-18T16:47:56.693" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You probably won't encounter the same situation again, but if you do, act like you know the women, sit down by her and start talking to her, if you both engage in conversation, and ignore them, and treat them as if they are nuts (which they are), they will get bored and move along to harass a new victim. Most (packs) groups don't like to deal with another when they are in numbers, they single out the (one) they think are weak. If you have to speak to them sum up the weaker one and give voice to reason, they are probably the most intelligent of the group, ignore the leader even if he speaks. ask her if she would like to take a walk? walk to a populated area. If they won't back down and follow you, and you have a phone.. call the police hit speed dial, and just allow them to hear the conversation, just incase you have to defend her, and yourself. Don't lose control, but if push comes to shove break the leaders little finger and put him out of the game. have a plan, and stick to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7435" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T16:47:56.693" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5560" CreationDate="2017-10-18T16:54:47.807" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion you only get to change such people truly if you can make them see/understand the injustice they thrive on, e.g. by (virtually) turning the tables on them - not to harass but to indicate by example how flawed their reasoning is and how mistreated one can feel by such teasing or generalizations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, a couple of acquaintances play online games and are always furious when the government tries to tighten gaming laws after some youngster who happened to play any sort of violent game did (attempt) a mass shooting / killing. When they were getting caught in some heated discussions about how to best ban all the bad Arabs from wearing &quot;Arab looking&quot; clothing after another deluded Islamist bombed some place, a snarky remark about how lucky they are he wasn't a gamer or they would have to fight a law confiscating their games brought some silence and then at least a reduced &quot;heat&quot; in the following discussions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point being, if you can give them a way to identify with the feeling of being oppressed for no good reason, it can go a long way. I admit though this is very hard with people you just met on the street. So it's most likely not a valid answer for your exact problem, but it may work out if you know the perpetrators at least a little. There is also a fine line between blatantly blaming them for being members of another group (which will make them defensive and more aggressive) and just pointing them enough in some direction that they think for themselves about being marginalized for being in that group and hopefully being able to empathize a little and learn from it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not providing insight, this may also be a way to change the topic on them and their attention away from the victim. And even if it doesn't have direct effect and you need to resort to shouting them off / have them escorted away, it's at least a possibility that some of it sticks and triggers a few thoughts later on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastEditorUserId="369" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T17:04:40.583" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T17:04:40.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5532" CreationDate="2017-10-18T17:07:20.253" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having business relations with friends and family can be troublesome. A lot of times we trust the other party has good intention and values the relationship more than money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not always true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So at this point you should ask yourself if you value the relationship more than friendship. Pursuing $150 or $300 may not be worth losing a relationship. On the other hand you could choose to simply send the invoice. It is a standard business practice and you basically conducting business with another person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand there are some things you can do better in the future:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Always have a well written contract that is agreed to by both parties before you start work. See Mike's video for entertaining details. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVkLVRt6c1U&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVkLVRt6c1U&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Start charging professional fees. When you devalue your work people will not value your time or effort.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Realize that if there is a chance your family's &quot;friend&quot; will not pay you for your work they may not be a very good fiend. Perhaps you may not invest more time in that friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7444" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2019-04-09T17:39:22.610" LastActivityDate="2019-04-09T17:39:22.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2949" CreationDate="2017-10-18T17:10:40.153" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;To give a different perspective to this. It sounds to me with phrases like &quot;can't stop thinking about it&quot;, &quot;I hope you understand that the problem is with me and not you. I'm also sad but that's how I feel&quot;, &quot;something that I can't control (that it's actively working all the time)&quot; and &quot;I think I'm not mentally ready for it.&quot; that she in fact has a fear of this, something I can relate to. I have a very similar fear myself so perhaps I can give some insight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm making assumptions but if she is at all like myself, it isn't something she can control. And describing it as not being able to stop thinking about is a fairly accurate way to put it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing a person connected to machines, equipment or tubing (particularly if its longer term) just gives some people including myself an uncontrollable sense of dread and fear to the point in my case I feel physically sick in my stomach being nearby or thinking about it, but cant stop focusing on it either. To put it another way, I expect now she knows you are she literally cant see past it and any thoughts of you instantly bring her back to thinking about it, which makes it hard to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am totally aware that it is not rational, but neither are many fears. I will tell you now, looking at the picture linked in your post made me feel physically sick from the stress and fear of seeing such a thing, although I can control such fear to the point I can be functional I don't ever see it going away, or not making me feel weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try and judge her as if she was not wanting to be around as she thinks you some kind of invalid, as this kind of phobia is just as much uncontrollable as physical illness. I have never been in the situation she has of finding someone close to me with such a condition long term but my grandpa was in a somewhat similar situation close to his death so I remember being extremely torn between wishing to spend time with him and trying to deal with the constant fear. In the end I wasn't able and spent very little time with him close to the end. I expect from what you said she actually feels guilty about this which is why she wasn't more plain about it but doesn't know how to explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way such things can be potentially overcome would be therapy and lots of mental control, but that may still not be totally successful. In this case, unless she tries to initiate more contact I would just move on, it sounds like you both have conditions that make it a difficult fit together and its unlikely a relatively new relationship will overcome them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3629" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T17:10:40.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5586" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5560" CreationDate="2017-10-18T17:32:07.807" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are already several good answers, but I wanted to add a different tactic I've heard mentioned for this exact situation that I thought was brilliant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Approach the person being harassed as if they are an old friend. Give them a big &quot;Oh hey! Long time no see! It's great to see you again!&quot; and start walking with them. Completely ignore the group, shut them down by giving them no attention and walking away with the victim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love this solution because it's completely non-confrontational. Now granted, you might badly WANT to confront the group. You might even think it's the ethical thing to do. Personally, I feel that demonstrating that this person has allies nearby and is NOT some helpless &lt;em&gt;outsider&lt;/em&gt; whom they have free reign to bully is more immediately effective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, this will take the wind out of their sails. If they don't stop at this point, the situation may be more dangerous than anticipated. Walk with the victim to the nearest business or safe-looking location, and take whatever precautions you feel are necessary at that point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7151" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T17:32:07.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5560" CreationDate="2017-10-18T17:37:30.823" Score="84" Body="&lt;p&gt;I haven't had occasion to use this technique since seeing it described, but &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.themarysue.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/harassment-guide.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this graphical guide to bystander intervention&lt;/a&gt; describes a non-confrontational way to help the victim.  That guide was created for a specific type of case but would apply to any sort of harassment or bullying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.themarysue.com/bystanders-harassment-guide/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;This site&lt;/a&gt; provides a transcription of the steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Engage conversation [with the person experiencing harassment, not their attacker].&lt;/strong&gt; Go to them, sit beside them and say hello. Try to appear calm, collected and welcoming. IGNORE THE ATTACKER.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pick a random subject and start discussing it.&lt;/strong&gt; It can be anything: a movie you liked, the weather, saying you like something they wear and asking where they got it…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep building the safe space.&lt;/strong&gt; Keep eye contact with them and don’t acknowledge the attacker’s presence: the absence of response from you two will push them to leave the area shortly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Continue the conversation until the attacker leaves and escort them to a safe place if necessary.&lt;/strong&gt; Bring them to a neutral area where they can recollect themselves; respect their wishes if they tell you they’re ok and just want to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the situation you described, you could approach the woman, say hi, start a conversation if she seems agreeable, and just generally &lt;em&gt;be there&lt;/em&gt;.  If she wants to leave, you can walk with her.  After a short distance I would quietly say something like &amp;quot;I'll stick around as long as you like&amp;quot;, so she has the option to say &amp;quot;no I'm fine&amp;quot; to signal that you should leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T17:37:30.823" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5536" CreationDate="2017-10-18T17:38:50.853" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a few options open to you in this case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask if he minds if you &quot;work in&quot;. Generally if you say &quot;I have X sets of Y reps to do, do you mind if I work in?&quot;, meaning that you use them together, you do a set and then he does a set, etc. This is also common if two people want to use the same machine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask when he will be finished. Again, you can say &quot;I need them for about 10 minutes, do you know when they will be available?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Temporarily use an alternative - Such as, if you are doing bicep curls, use a preloaded barbell instead, or possibly a preacher bench or machine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the short term, there isn't a lot you can do if he refuses to let you use the equipment. However, most gyms that I have been in try to keep at least 2 or 3 sets of the most popular weights for dumbbells, see if there are others on the rack or if someone else also has a set.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it happens again, one possibility is that you can politely say &quot;The last time I asked, you hardly used the dumbbells as you indicated. I only need them for a short period, I'm willing to alternate or return them to you when I'm done&quot;. He may still refuse, however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the long term, if this is a recurring problem, then I would say something to the gym staff. Point out that it is impacting your workouts, and if it continues you will need to seek another gym. (This impact is lessened, however, if you are under a contract for a certain period of time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T17:38:50.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2651" CreationDate="2017-10-18T17:39:43.077" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell Bob and Alice if they decide they don't want the other kitten, and before they get rid of it to let you know, Don't get into it over the lizard, and ruin the hopes of getting the other kitten, because it sounds like Bob and Alice won't be wanting to care for the kitten in the future when you are the one who is taking care of it now, and they don't care to take care of the lizard for whatever reason. It's not worth shutting the door over the lizard if the kitten is the focus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7435" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T17:39:43.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5174" CreationDate="2017-10-18T17:43:51.883" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would send a note, a card, or a text message saying &quot;sorry I barged in on you, I won't ever mention it to anyone&quot;. I think this is a case where he doesn't want to have to reply (or look you in the eye), and therefore it's best not done face-to-face; but at the same time he deserves an acknowledgement that it happened and that it was your fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1660" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T17:43:51.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T17:53:49.253" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give her the chance, like you said you planned on paying the rent, you would pay it if she live there or didn't. She may not know where she will be working until she knows the area and plans on getting the job in a close by area. Look at it this way, you're not alone in a new area, and it's you that is asking her to change her life for you. Support your G/F and encourage her with support not negging. Help her to find a job, ask her what she wants to do, and help her find it or whatever you have to do to help. Relationships are worth keeping, and money is paper. there will be times that you will go through droughts, and good times also, best to have a good friend to go through them with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7435" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T17:53:49.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5536" CreationDate="2017-10-18T17:54:52.213" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although hoarding a pair (and especially multiple pairs) of dumbbells is indeed quite rude, there isn't much you can do to &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; them do something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I've found that simply asking &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, how many sets you got left [with the 20kg dumbbells]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;can be very effective. Honestly, that approach has worked both for me and on me (I admit, there's been times I didn't realize someone wanted the weight I was using, it happens). If you just ask if they are using the weight and walk away, it's much easier to dismiss you. By asking about the number of sets instead you accomplish a few things: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You acknowledge that they are currently using them and you don't&#xA;want to just take them and recognize it may be a few minutes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You force them to think about their workout and decide whether they actually need them or just &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; need them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You encourage a slightly deeper level of engagement with you as a human being, which usually makes people more willing to be considerate&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You let them know that using the dumbbells is an important enough part of your planned workout that you will adjust your exercises around as needed to ensure that happens (i.e. you're not just wandering aimlessly doing what you feel like).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You get them thinking a bit more along the lines of &quot;Oh, I promised that guy that I have X sets left, I should get it done&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, some people are naturally inconsiderate, but in my experience most people don't want to be a jerk and will try to adjust their workout, within reason, or at least give you a good faith estimate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1885" LastEditorUserId="1885" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T13:56:44.433" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T13:56:44.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T18:01:29.910" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way you phrased your question, it &lt;em&gt;sounds&lt;/em&gt; like you've asked your girlfriend to uproot her life and move 1000k, not out of love, but because you need someone to subsidize your rent.  Now that might, in no way, be a fair read of the situation, but if it reads that way to me, just based on hearing only &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; side of the story, I could definitely see it looking that way to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking a romantic partner to move in with you, or cross-country with you, is NOT a business proposition, and I doubt she said yes because she sees you as a free ticket out of town.  So stop treating her as if her agenda is to cheat you.  If your opinion of her is that she'll never pull her own weight if she can help it, and that bothers you, you should never have asked her to move in with you in the first place.  You should never live with someone you don't trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice to you is to pick a place you can afford on your own, and then evaluate for yourself what is important here:  Are you interested in her companionship, or just her financial contribution?  If it's the former, back off a little, and give her a little time, instead of preemptive ultimatums.  If it's the latter, find a platonic roommate to share expenses with instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T18:01:29.910" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-18T18:03:41.640" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't....If he's Married then you would be a homewrecker, If Vic wanted a relationship Vic needs to decide his present relationship. And then there is your father, they are friends, don't mess up their friendship for lust. The Butterfly effect can come back to make you regret what you may not be wise about now. If Vic is married then Vic is not on the market, find somebody you probably was destine to find. Lust never turns out the way you planned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7435" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T18:03:41.640" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5553" CreationDate="2017-10-18T18:09:00.987" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Under what circumstances is it okay to not hold a door open?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an important one: When access is controlled or occupancy is tracked.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;For example, some office buildings have strict rules that EVERY person MUST scan his or her badge individually, either for security purposes (i.e. you don't necessarily know if access has been revoked, even if you recognize the person) or for occupancy-tracking purposes (e.g. even if they're getting help with the door, they still need to register their entrance because that creates an occupants list used in fire alarm situations to verify that everyone's out safely).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those are some clear circumstances that answer the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's a large temperature difference between inside and outside, holding the door open wastes more energy, so that can sometimes be a factor to consider, especially if the person is not right behind you.   If the person is further away, they also may feel obligation to hurry up and this can be a worse outcome than not holding the door and letting them take their time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another situation is when it's not clear that the other person intends to pass through that door, but has a reasonably high probability of turning to one side or the other just before reaching the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T18:09:00.987" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5543" CreationDate="2017-10-18T18:21:23.443" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since what bothers you most is not the money, but your mother's actions, speak to her directly about &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;.  I think you explained it to us very well: it feels like being punished for doing nothing wrong, and it seems like a violation of trust that she directly went to your grandmother without discussing it with you first.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think if you don't have a goal of changing the situation, and you just want to explain your feelings, it will go better.  Nothing may change, but at least you will have had a chance to explain to your mother how you feel.  It is likely that she never looked at it from that perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T18:21:23.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-18T18:24:25.170" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can only get hurt here. Stay away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's look at the potential outcomes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. You have an extramarital affair&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Eventually it will end. (Married men don't leave their wives.) The best possible outcome is that it all stays private, and you &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; and up pregnant and you &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; end up with an STD (you think you're the only one?), and your friends and family wonder why you're sad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. He leaves his wife and marries (or lives with) you&lt;/strong&gt; Are you ready to be the second wife? The evil step-mom who is the proximate cause of the parents' divorce? The embarrassment that comes between this man and your father? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. He leaves his wife and then doesn't marry you&lt;/strong&gt; Everything in #2 except that you don't have to see his kids (who hate you) every other weekend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. He leaves his wife and then you don't (want to) marry him&lt;/strong&gt; Everything in #3 with the addition of being generally despised in the community as a literal home wrecker. This would take &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt; to die down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;So what do I do?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; Avoid this man. He is old enough to know that his subtle flirting is wrong and bad, but he's thinking with his mid-life crisis little head. Yes, he has stirred an infatuation in you. You must deliberately kill it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not go where he will be. If you find yourself in the same place with him, do not not make eye contact. If he makes it, look away. Do not talk to him. Do not brush hands with him. Do not go near him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you begin avoiding him he will seek you out. Do not be alone with him. When he asks what is wrong, you will not be able to give him a direct answer because he has made nothing explicit. (That's part of the deniability game.) So be correspondingly vague (bad mood, headache, ...) and move away. Eventually he will get the message. Expect him to become slightly angry and aloof. Do not let it make you feel guilty. He is the one at fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3967" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T18:24:25.170" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5553" CreationDate="2017-10-18T18:33:32.250" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;+1 for this question.  But I think holding a door for someone who is 50 feet away is overkill.  See my comment &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1057/how-to-efficiently-and-effectively-decline-help-being-somewhat-rude-if-necessar#comment3270_1057&quot;&gt;How to efficiently and effectively decline help, being somewhat rude if necessary&lt;/a&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am irritated by people who make a big production of holding the door, and holding the door for someone who is not immediately behind you is making a production.  In general, hold the door only if &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; holding it means it would interrupt the flow of the person's walk, by closing just as he or she got to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As other people noted, always hold the door for someone burdened with packages or small children or someone who is obviously weak or infirm.  Your and their age and gender should have nothing to do, just by themselves, with whether you hold the door or not.  As a woman well past retirement age, there are few doors that I can't open myself, and nothing in my gait or bearing that suggests I can't.  Holding a door because someone has a few wrinkles is actually insulting, in my view.  (US, DC area.)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T18:33:32.250" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5543" CreationDate="2017-10-18T18:53:43.567" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I talk to my mom about the reason behind her actions and why she thinks what she thinks about my work ethic?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, start by stating your concerns, so that your mom knows why you're talking to her about it. Like what you stated in the question: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;My goal is to better understand why my mom took these actions&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, when I 'confront' my mom about things, it works best to word it something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Mom? I heard you discussing so-and-so lately with Grandma. I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you, but I would like to understand the reasons behind your opinion on this, to better understand your actions. If you feel like it, and that doesn't have to be right now, could we discuss this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I always add the 'I heard you discussing so-and-so' when it's not really my business. &lt;em&gt;It makes it clear to my mom that I understand it's not really my business, but it also gives a signal that I overheard her and that if it really wasn't supposed to be heard by me, she should have done a better job of not discussing it when I'm near.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Always add the 'if you feel like it'. I've had talks on sensitive topics with my mom. &lt;em&gt;It's nice to give your mom a chance to prepare for a talk that might be very difficult for her to have.&lt;/em&gt; And if your mom doesn't want to talk about her reasons (or feels like she doesn't have to explain to you), you're not coming across as 'attacking her'. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for what you could say that causes your confusion, you've done a pretty good job of explaining this in the question itself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I never had any expectations of getting money from my relatives and always just figured I would live off the money I earn myself.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Her interpretation of my work ethic.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mom agrees to talk, you can state this to her. Don't outright accuse her of interpreting your expectations or work ethic wrong. But if they come up, you can ask her if she sees problems with this that she thinks you can change. (your interpretations or work ethic). &lt;em&gt;The 'that you can change' part is important here: it turns the question from an accusation into an honest request for feedback.&lt;/em&gt; Make sure that it doesn't turn into a situation where your mom has to defend herself: You want to know her reasons, so do more listening than providing counter-arguments. Asking more questions/feedback is okay though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mom at any point shows signs of stress or of shutting down, it might help to check your own tone of voice. Are you still not sounding accusing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And again: &lt;strong&gt;If your mom refuses to discuss this with you, or after you know her reasons, don't bring it up again.&lt;/strong&gt; That said, I think you've got 1 thing that you can also ask your mom, regardless of whether she decides to talk about her reasons. There's something else in your question that strikes me: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I think what bothers me the most is that my grandma is probably the person in the family that I am closest with&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It really isn't about the money at all, I didn't even expect anything before I heard about all this.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;em&gt;I would even be happy if they left me an old mug.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you and your grandma are very close, and that you're not so much worried about inheriting money, but that &lt;strong&gt;you don't want to miss out on having a keepsake, to remember your dear grandma after she passed.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm already missing 2 grandparents and I can tell you that this is indeed more important than the amount of money they can leave you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mom says 'no' when asked to discuss this, gently tell her something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, in that case: I'm not sure (and don't understand completely) what you discussed with grandma, but I would seriously like some simple keepsake to remember her by when the time comes. For example, the old mug she always served me hot cocoa in when I came to visit her. Just something to remember her, so that's her death doesn't obliterate her from my life. Please think about that possibility, it would mean very much to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T18:53:43.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5603" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5564" CreationDate="2017-10-18T19:12:03.567" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel that they are obstructing your path while opening the door, saying &quot;Excuse me&quot; while indicating you are fine holding the door open will trigger them to stop holding the door and actually making you a way. Just be sure to thank them afterward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've learned this after someone did this to me. It was purely because my brain stopped processing common sense while trying to be polite ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/AjmiJ.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/AjmiJ.png&quot; alt=&quot;Holding Door Illustration&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I was the blue one, holding the door with my right hand, facing her and inviting her to come in.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She started to hold the door with her left hand. After a few seconds of awkwardness, she said &quot;Excuse me&quot;, then my brain started working again, and I stopped holding the door and moved away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T19:12:03.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5553" CreationDate="2017-10-18T19:14:14.647" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I generally hold the door open if it would not fully close before the person reaches the door (since I'm holding it, I should be able to make a good guess).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially for heavy doors, having to stop and push back the closing door is more work than just opening it. The next person would have to correctly guess the momentum of the door in order to know how much to lean forward to stop it without being pushed off-balance, while taking over an open door (balance can be adjusted with the current step) or opening a fully closed door (not time critical) are a lot easier to plan ahead, and thus a lot less &quot;annoying&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Holding the door open should save them from an &quot;annoying&quot; task, which could be either catching a closing door of unknown weight, or figuring out a way to open a door with hands full, then it is useful and appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2854" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T19:14:14.647" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5543" CreationDate="2017-10-18T19:38:57.113" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;Other answers have given you good advice.  I just want to add one point for you to consider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible that your mother is nervous, perhaps unconsciously, about her and your father's financial needs in their own old age?  It is a reasonable thing to be nervous about.  I'm not saying your mother is being untruthful, but inheritances are fraught with opportunities to misunderstand oneself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the motorcycle, this is a weak excuse.  If your brother were thinking about buying a Ferrari, that is one thing, but a motorcycle for a young, unattached man with a full-time job is not unreasonable.  This makes me think there are undercurrents, and you need to be very careful in your discussion with your mother.  As for the mug, of course you will get some of her personal belongings as mementoes, and it is reasonable to tell your mother what you would cherish and ask that it be left directly to you.  (As long as it isn't the diamond necklace. :))&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit in response to comments:&lt;/strong&gt;  Two commenters pointed out the statistical dangers of riding a motorbike; one said his mother would go crazy if he bought one.  The statistical dangers are real, but different from fiscal irresponsibility.  The mother cited the motorbike as an example of financial irresponsibility to justify leaving the grandchildren out of the will.  The mmotorbike is not a good example of financial irresponsibility, thus my statement that there may be undercurrents to watch out for.  Moreover, this young man, unattached with a full time job, is probably able to buy a motorbike without an inheritance.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T13:03:40.807" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T13:03:40.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5536" CreationDate="2017-10-18T20:24:31.563" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Gym etiquette 101: Don't hog the machines/weights.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jill-s-brown/13-rules-of-gym-etiquette_b_6402434.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;From Huffington Post 13 Rules of Gym Etiquette for 2015:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone asks if they can “work in with you,” the polite answer is “yes.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're actually using it, as in, the weight is in your hands, obviously the answer is no, and rightly so. If you're switching between this thing and that thing, as is common in many workout routines, sharing the machine or weight is perfectly reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you do? Well, point out that you notice he's doing a rotation and that you're going to use it while he's off on another thing. This is sometimes called &amp;quot;working in&amp;quot;. That's very typical gym etiquette. If he presses the issue that the weights just need to sit on the floor while he's doing something else, you can press back or just let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Press back: Phrases like &amp;quot;I think we can share it&amp;quot; as you pick it up, or &amp;quot;You're actually not really using it&amp;quot; again as you pick it up can be a very powerful message. The words combined with the action leave them speechless and inactive, usually, because you're already taking them. He's left with physical force if he wants them back. And when you're done sharing, thank him for sharing. That's polite and demonstrates that you command the situation. If he makes a verbal fuss, ignore him, do your lift, put them back on the ground where they were. If it gets physical (which it almost never ever will), throw the weight on his foot and run away. I'm kind of joking at the end here, but completely serious about just taking the weights despite his complaints.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let it go: Well, that's you're choice, but then you don't get to use the weights and will have to adjust your workout.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contraindication: The weights in question are of the kind that you load yourself, like barbells for squats or bench press. Presumably, you want to load a different weight amount, and loading and unloading before and after every set is not a smart way to get a good workout. But dumbbells and machines inherently do not have this problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A nice blog post about gym etiquette: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/gym-etiquette-101/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Don’t Break These 29 Unwritten [gym etiquette] Rules&lt;/a&gt;. The following rules stand out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Put Equipment Away!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Step away from the dumbbells. [to do your lift]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Check if the equipment is free first&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Working in” with someone&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5547" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user5547" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T20:39:37.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-18T20:40:38.353" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;What's in it for her?  She gets to move to a city where she has no work, no individual perspective/interest and no friends and gets to pay half the rent for an appartment she did not have a choice in for the chance of sharing her life with someone who threatens to put her on the street should she be unsuccessful in bringing in her due part of the rent, with termination conditions worse than if she rented from an actual landlord rather than her &quot;boyfriend&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, I am not surprised that she isn't eager to sign up for an unknown job before even having had a chance to see what she was getting into with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that she gets to see a solid bout right now of what she'd be getting into with you, I would not be surprised all that much if she decided not to move in the first place.  She'd be having a whole lot less problems on her hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7480" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T20:40:38.353" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5307" CreationDate="2017-10-18T20:46:59.973" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Which option is in your best interest? Clearly, tell them you will leave a Yelp review will make them happy, and may even encourage them to give you better service in the future. They will most likely not check whether you actually did or not. If you tell them no, then they will probably be less enthusiastic, even if they don't express it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, the risk outweighs the reward, so tell them what they want to hear. That is a great ideology to live by: &quot;tell them what they want to hear.&quot; Great for interviews, relationships, workplace interaction, etc. It's even better than the golden rule. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6777" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T20:46:59.973" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5560" CreationDate="2017-10-18T21:10:57.200" Score="-10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Intervene, but record the situation and upload it to social media, and maybe share it with reporters and stuff. Then, there will be mass outrage about their behavior, but you'd be hailed as a hero. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should record and publicize it because bad behavior should be punished, and this will lead to consequences for them and their family obviously. And, it showcases the racial problems that are often not reported. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if their behavior is worse, it's even better because it's all on camera, I'm sure you can (legally) take on some teenagers if they become violent (or get a concealed carry permit). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6777" LastEditorUserId="6777" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T13:33:17.647" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T13:33:17.647" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5488" CreationDate="2017-10-18T23:15:56.250" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is not enough evidence in your post to rule out the possibility that you simply got hired to work with a flawed or non-receptive team. Many people land in jobs where they do not fit. The cure for that is to move on (as you are doing) until you are happy. You express yourself clearly here, and seem thoughtful. If you express yourself like this where you work and they are not receptive to it, it may be on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am unsure it is wise to directly bring this up in an interview. Especially if your condition is not considered a protected class in your country. It would be good to demonstrate who you are by speaking honestly in the manner you usually speak. But presenting it as a problem may just add a negative impression that would not otherwise be there. I for one, treasure extremely direct feedback. And I've met plenty of company leaders who do also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most interviews will include a question about your weaknesses and how you address them. That might be a good time to mention that you can be very direct to the extent that some take offense. And that you are working on learning ways to communicate that sort of important information while softening the blow when it is a criticism of others work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, there are many jobs out there with many different needs and expectations. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and some very successful people have weaknesses vastly worse than you describe. I understand that Steve Jobs was incredibly direct with zero concern for rudeness, and it is a big reason for his success. If you are authentic in your interviews, you are acting in good faith. And the interviewer should get a good sense of who you are without the need for presenting any of your characteristics as negative and with a label.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To satisfy the other part of your concern... Making sure the job is a good fit for you, you must ask the interviewer about how open discussions are. How direct people can be without offending others when raising issues. From what you say, there are companies out there that would be a good fit. And would consider your directness a strength. You just need to keep looking until you find one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, you should understand that no one fully knows how good a fit will be at the point of hiring. Absent evidence that a job is a bad fit, you should simply (within the bounds of ethics and good faith) try to get hired. This puts you in control, and you can then determine if or how long you want to stay. If you block yourself from getting hired in the first place by advertising your perceived flaws, then you lose that control. And you may miss out on a really good position. It's not your job to help the recruiter find reasons to not hire you. Act in your own self interest, and let them act in theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5812" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T23:15:56.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5564" CreationDate="2017-10-18T23:21:24.107" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should politely, but clearly, indicate that you want to open the door yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Don't worry, I'll get it. Thanks!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in terms of body language, you can take a small step back. Or a larger step back if they're on the way out the door and need room to get through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once they know what is most convenient for you, most likely they'll courteously defer to your wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7494" LastEditorUserId="7494" LastEditDate="2017-10-18T23:37:54.300" LastActivityDate="2017-10-18T23:37:54.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-19T02:14:49.283" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;How do I tell her that if she doesn't get a job in a reasonable amount of time?&quot; &#xA;Be nice but tell her using that exact language so it is made extremely clear. Yet, kill it with kindness. Meaning, cook her dinner and buy roses so when you tell her &quot;I love you but if you do not get a job and help with bills you cannot stay. I will be patient but soon I will need your help and cannot do it without you.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will see her effort if she is putting it forward. I currently live with my partner and luckily we have never needed to supplement the others income but I find that if we are clear with communication we never need to interpret the others meaning. Do not sugar coat it or be general. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be exact. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7505" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T02:14:49.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5564" CreationDate="2017-10-19T05:07:56.277" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this situation you want something quick, to the point, while telling them you appreciate the act, and most importantly, that their act has succeed in its intention and is no longer required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks! I've got it now!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6797" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T05:07:56.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5622" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5467" CreationDate="2017-10-19T05:55:47.583" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You kind of answered your own question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;tell him to let me know of what he needs earlier so that i will be able to get it done before work ends&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell him in a one-on-one conversation, that you work from x o'clock to y o'clock and that you noticed him frequently giving you asap-tasks when you are just about to leave. Then ask to get the tasks earlier or at least a &quot;warning&quot; that he might require this data so you can prepare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Things to keep in mind:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;he might not know your working hours  as well as you think he does&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;your working hours might overlap significantly and it might be his 6th hour while it is your 8th and he doesn't notice the inconvenience&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;maybe he doesn't know what he will require later that day and the time he finds out just happens to be the time you normally leave&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;tell him that he can bother you at any time to ask for this data&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;when did it start that he asks so late for the data? Is this a new thing? Do other people also do it this way? How was it before?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;maybe you can guess what type of data he needs and prepare at least a bit for it&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;could you teach him to get the data him self? Or provide a way for him to get it?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastEditorUserId="7327" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T09:56:41.083" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T09:56:41.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3751" CreationDate="2017-10-19T06:47:36.073" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some thoughts for you...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Most people accept the polite or humorous deflection.  Keep in mind that you've tried this and they persisted.  They've made their choice.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give one last chance, with a little of the veneer stripped away.  &quot;I'm totally not telling you that.  So how bout them [local sports team]?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Remember that it is okay to be annoyed at this point, and let it show.  If they still persist tell them something useless.  &quot;You're starting to annoy me&quot; is a good reply here.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One further thought...  You might stop and reconsider which questions you consider inappropriate.  You mentioned:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Other examples of prying questions: - What do you do for a living? - What's your occupational history? - What roles did you have before your current role?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That first one, &quot;what do you do for a living&quot; is often the second thing someone will ask you, after your name.  It &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; seem odd if you are not willing to answer that.  Consider people's mien and attitude when they speak to you; most of the questions people will ask you are innocuous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T06:47:36.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5571" CreationDate="2017-10-19T07:26:37.630" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is that really what you want to tell people? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“It’s just a job” is what you say if you just go to work for the money. That’s not the case. You are there to learn, to gain experience. Even if the end result is not exciting, the work is also self improvement for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when asked, tell them what you like about your job. It goes down a lot better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the “work for free”: reply “what makes you think I would do this work for free”?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People ask because they care. If it annoys you, don’t tell them. They might stop caring. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T07:26:37.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5467" CreationDate="2017-10-19T07:27:53.087" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to tell co-worker not to ask me do last minute work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take a proactive stance&lt;/strong&gt;. Be professional. Let him know. Give facts. Put no emotions in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just send a friendly and informative email to co-worker 30mn before I leave:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi Qui-Gon,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My shift ends in 1/2 hour. Is there any data you need from me before I go?&#xA;In case you need to access/get to &lt;strong&gt;whatever thing&lt;/strong&gt; when I'm out, please go to &lt;strong&gt;A / B / C&lt;/strong&gt; and/or do &lt;strong&gt;D / E / F&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please let me know if I can help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regards,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obi‑Wan&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you inform co-worker that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You take care of business (not blocking him / offering solutions).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You will be out by &amp;quot;time&amp;quot; (or &lt;em&gt;XX minutes&lt;/em&gt;, in case co-worker doesn't look at the clock).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's a nice &amp;quot;now or never&amp;quot; way to let him know, either to ask you, or to do it themselves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This kind of email is polite, professional, shows interest in the job, but sets boundaries too.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T08:25:27.917" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-19T08:46:20.680" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am assuming you are a 21 year-old woman and this is a real-life situation rather than a creatively 'representative' question for all young women attracted to older men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So all these wonderful answers have given you a full and in-depth overview of all possible outcomes to this situation. Most of these kind members have advised you to take no action at present, but I would beg to differ and tell you to &lt;strong&gt;do what you really want to do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you are a woman and in these modern times there are no real social restrictions on what is appropriate for a woman to do in such situations, especially in your country of residence (if not your country of origin.) Others may disapprove of your decisions but you can make your own choices, just like any man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=%22You+can+be+who+you+want%22+&amp;amp;client=firefox-b&amp;amp;dcr=0&amp;amp;oq=%22You+can+be+who+you+want%22+&amp;amp;gs_l=mobile-heirloom-serp.12..41j0l2j0i22i30l2.7921.7921.0.9473.1.1.0.0.0.0.359.359.3-1.1.0....0...1..34.mobile-heirloom-serp..0.1.359.0F5e55IoWmo&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;You can be who you want&lt;/a&gt;, you can do what you want: you can jump on any man you want. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Just be prepared to take full responsibility for the consequences.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I would urge all members to recollect, your 'only question' was &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how do I approach a conversation about this with him (if there is any to be had). I don't want to be some sort of home-wrecker etc etc etc&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, the direct approach through verbal or non-verbal communication probably works best in such situations, though &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/5566/381&quot;&gt;Ivan Skalauh's  answer&lt;/a&gt; has also suggested an 'indirect approach' which is 'safer' for this man and also reduces your risk of rejection -- but beware: &lt;strong&gt;home-wrecking might be a likely outcome of any such action.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: accepting an answer by clicking the nearby  tick mark (turns grey-to-green) is OP's powerful 'casting vote' when different answers give contrasting advice. If &lt;em&gt;any answer here&lt;/em&gt; suits your requirements best, please accept it to signal your choice to the Interpersonal Skills community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T09:17:41.683" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T09:17:41.683" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5543" CreationDate="2017-10-19T08:50:33.143" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You asked for perspective, here's a possible one. This might get cynical, I obviously don't know you or your family, and I don't want to be understood as mean or rude, I just want to point out what &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; be the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, don't start arguing about money or inheritance with your family, because that's how &quot;family&quot; ends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some might be led to believe that a very intrusive mother thinks she still has to force decisions on to her adult children, and/or deserves that inheritance more than her sons. However not because she's the stereotypical &quot;bad person&quot;, just because the proverbial road to hell is paved with good intentions and &lt;em&gt;too much&lt;/em&gt; hard work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sadly, it often turns out to be a total waste of time to get through to such control-obsessed persons.&lt;/strong&gt; Your best bet is to calmly state your point of view and that what she did hurt your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Helicopter Mum&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that your mother has the habit of controlling people around her. Your brother's decision to buy a motorcycle is not even worth talking about. Your grandmother is the only one that has to decide where her money goes. Since you all are adults, each one of you has to decide for him/herself without your mother interfering or judging if it's good enough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing wrong with hard work and putting effort in what we do, but times change, and what 50 years ago was hard work, now is considered slave labor. Her views on this are probably outdated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately &lt;strong&gt;many parents don't understand&lt;/strong&gt; that their &lt;strong&gt;children&lt;/strong&gt;, even if they paid/pay for them, &lt;strong&gt;are not their property&lt;/strong&gt; and have to start making their own decisions at some point.&#xA;Dismissing your child's work ethics and obvious achievements, trying to influence family on where inheritance is going to end up, is not only wrong, but sad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;For some money is all there is.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't work hard because it's fun, you do it for the money. &#xA;Money is a very important aspect for all of us, to your mother however, it might be a bit too important.&#xA;Working hard all your life, growing children and paying for their education is by no means a small feat.&#xA;Some people in such situations might be wrongly led to believe they deserve something in return, like retire and enjoy life with a decent sum of money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned to have a good relationship with your father and grandmother, you didn't mention your mother, which, BTW, only enforces my idea of an over-intrusive parent. Since your mother might have had hopes, reasonably so, to get a big chunk of your grandmother's money, she might feel subconsciously threatened by the good relationship between you and your grandmother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, not because she's a bad person. She might simply think that, at this point, she deserves that money more than her children. Since she invested so much in her life, and in yours. After all, at some point she presumably will be in the same position as her mother, and pass her money on to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, while I think the first point is pretty accurate, it doesn't mean that what I said here is actually your case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5032" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T08:50:33.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5553" CreationDate="2017-10-19T09:59:36.140" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;All the answers have been pretty valid. An additionally case I haven't seen is if it is into a locked building (i.e. a college dorm that requires a student ID to open the doors, it is a nice gesture to hold the door open slightly longer so the person does not have to reach for their ID) if you know that the person belongs in the building.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7539" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T09:59:36.140" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5543" CreationDate="2017-10-19T11:54:51.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, it's entirely reasonable for someone to feel that bequeathing money to someone is not doing them a favour. Whatever your strength of character, having access to easy money changes your life and not always for the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, what your grandma does with her money is her decision and not yours or mother's. If you want to talk to anyone about this it should be a talk to your grandma to remind her that it's her money and she can do what she likes with it and she shouldn't let your mother bully her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't harbour any resentment or suggest that you have any resentment if the money isn't going to you. You have no entitlement to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want your grandmother to leave you money, the best way to achieve it is to develop a good relationship with her: which is not best achieved by asking for money!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1660" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T11:54:51.523" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5638" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-19T13:39:11.070" Score="2" ViewCount="594" Body="&lt;p&gt;Legally in Belgium, you must stop at a pedestrian crossing with no light if someone shows they want to cross. So when I stop driving to allow people to just walk over I expect them to just walk over to the other side of the road.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However more often than not I see that people crossing the road start running (or speed-walking) over to the other side of the road, especially when they're alone to cross over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like they just want to hurry up so I'm stopped for a shorter time. I personally don't mind losing the one second they give me by running. I'll more than likely lose it anyways at the next traffic light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other side, it seems to me that running while crossing is dangerous, as there are more chances to have a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;women with heels have a greater chance to break their ankle&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;people might not see as easily a (motorized or not) bike passing on the bike lane at my right, and that my car is hiding to them, reciprocally the biker might not see the people crossing as well either.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;by experience, if I hold something I can lose it on the street easier when I run than when I walk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bike issue, for instance, already happened twice this year when I was waiting for someone to finish rushing, and in the end, instead of making me gain time, they made me lose something like 15-20 seconds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally when I cross a road, I just walk to the other side, even if I see some other people rushing to the other side of the road. No one ever honked at me to make me go faster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the small estimated gain and the much higher risk of having a problem I don't see why people rush to the other side of the road, especially since in Belgium you must let people cross. Can anyone explain why this happens?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2512" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2017-10-21T15:47:50.747" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T15:47:50.747" Title="Why do people run on the pedestrian crossing?" Tags="&lt;driving&gt;&lt;belgium&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2017-10-22T09:28:16.790" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5639" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5640" CreationDate="2017-10-19T14:11:16.977" Score="16" ViewCount="4588" Body="&lt;p&gt;A close relative was recently engaged to this very sweet and friendly woman (aged 24) who happens to have a rather bad trait. She's very quick to pigeonhole people. Meaning she places people in categories without fully getting to know them or acknowledging all their qualities. And then proceeds to treat them with that misconception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this person for about two months and didn't have much contact with her until recently since my wife will be in charge of wedding preparations. I was flabbergasted last night when I overheard some of her conversation with her friends during a family gathering. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of examples regarding her behavior:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The name of a good friend of my nephew came up as being maid of honor. Her reasoning for saying no was that she dressed provocatively, thus she will steal her husband. Preventing said friend from being part of something wonderful in her friend's life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Another occasion was regarding another relative who's in his teens and not that social. My nephew wanted to &quot;hire&quot; him to rearrange his library but the fiancee declined because he would access have to their bedroom and go through her things. Although she never really interacted with this boy who happens to be this kind and respectful person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were several racist remarks, comments about how people dressed (thus judging their financial situation) but not sure if these classify as pigeonholing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of her comments got back to the people she was talking about, like the friend of my nephew's boyfriend overheard and told her - which made her leave the party. The teen boy was also a perv from his other cousins as a joke but it still hurt him. Similar situations happened all around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I discussed it briefly with a couple of family members and we're pretty much sure that she doesn't know that she's doing it or what she's doing is hurting others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I caught up with my nephew the next day over coffee and discussed the issue with him, not talking about specifics but generally asking if he has noticed his fiancee being quick to judge people, hold unrealistic images of them in her head and act upon those assumptions. Something that he denied but from his body language, I realized that rung a bell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For that reason, I decided to go to the source of the problem and talk to the fiancee. I realize I can't change/make her change this trait of her personality. But I would like to ask/achieve her being a bit discreet about it and not discuss things like that in a family gathering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I approach her and let her know that what she's doing is hurting her relationship with others and especially me, as her soon-to-be family? How do I handle her if she keeps doing this at family gatherings?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T11:17:57.313" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T11:18:00.947" Title="How to deal with someone that pigeonholes others?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;switzerland&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5639" CreationDate="2017-10-19T14:52:41.237" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't change other people. You can offer advice but if they did not ask for it I'd give it worse then 50% chance that she will actually listen to your advice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They best way to encourage some one to change is not to tell them to&#xA;  change but rather to refuse to engage in the behavior that you find&#xA;  distasteful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said you still need to tell her that her behavior is harmful to others, but it will be most effective if you tell this to her when she actually starts gossiping about someone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for example your at a family gathering and you hear the woman in question say something negative/ill-informed/pigeonholing about a person in the family.  You could:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Walk away from the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her &quot;We should not gossip about this person I love them and they are a wonderful person.&quot;  and then walk away&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her &quot;We should not gossip about this person I love them and they are a wonderful person.&quot; and then try to change the subject. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her &quot;you know that person has this really wonderful personality trait &lt;em&gt;be specific&lt;/em&gt;  I'm so glad they are in the family. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer 3 and 4 the best. 4 is especially useful because you are counter acting her negativity with positive actions. It shows her an example of how to behave correctly as well as building up the person you are talking about.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Encourage your other family members to give her the same treatment. If the majority of your family is consistent in refusing to gossip with her, she will learn to modify her behavior or she will stop coming to family gatherings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T15:16:28.930" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T15:16:28.930" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5642" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5639" CreationDate="2017-10-19T14:53:57.700" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have talked to your nephew who was unable (or didn't want) to acknowledge the situation and then talk to the fiancee you will likely create a rift with your nephew.  I would let/encourage someone that is offended talk to your nephew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are there when she says something you could say something like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That narrow characterization is not really fair. There is a lot more&#xA;  to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T14:53:57.700" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5639" CreationDate="2017-10-19T15:43:32.727" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like it's an issue of mindset, and it's worth exploring WHY someone would have an issue in this area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's something every human brain does, to some extent, and it is valuable and necessary to categorize information to make it more easily stored and sorted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone pigeonholes everyone all of the time. It's the easiest and most natural reaction, and it takes conscious effort to fight it. And it HAS to be actively fought. This mindset, like many others, is ingrained to the point of being assimilated into a personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry for the wordy preamble, but I wanted to preface my next point with some arguments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This will not be ONE conversation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will have to be an active effort by several people from whom she can accept some mild criticism. It doesn't have to, and shouldn't, be something dramatic, but it should be consistent. When you catch her doing this, say something casual like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Aw come on, there's more to him/her than that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;possibly followed up with something you know about the person. This can help to make the subject feel more &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; to your soon-to-be relative-in-law, as well as drawing her attention to the problem. If she's a conscientious person whose decent at picking up on social cues, this can do wonders over time. If she has difficulty picking up on social cues, a friendly and direct non-critical conversation is the way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7151" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T15:43:32.727" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5645" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-19T15:55:18.027" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're strong, intelligent and mature as anyone, if not more.&#xA;Now, my answer to your question would be : be careful. First, you cannot know for sure he is interested in you so try to make it clear that he is. Second, be discrete cause he is your dad's friend, if your dad catch you with him he might get angry. Third, try to know more about his family life. If his marriage is already unhappy, you won't be responsible from wrecking it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to be careful and take your time to make sure you don't get involved in an embarrassing situation. I wish you the best in your attempt at fulfilling every teenager's dream.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7569" LastEditorUserId="7569" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T14:21:27.710" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T14:21:27.710" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3261" CreationDate="2017-10-19T16:32:09.790" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a little bit of a delicate situation, because you are combining a few different life events that are stressful. You are graduating, he is close to graduating, and you are moving in together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest thing that you can concentrate on is being supportive and keeping open lines of communication between you two. There are a couple of statements in your question and comments that I would like to look at&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As we are in the same profession I try to help him with study documents, how to tackle a certain task, what is left to do and stuff. I also help him with his résumé and cover letter for the job search.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you asked him if he would &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; this help? While I am unfamiliar with you and your relationship, it may be a point of pride that he finish this himself, or that he may be getting the idea you think he can't complete it without help. If you make a habit of asking if he has finished this or that, or similar, he may take it as helpful or he may take it as &quot;Geez, again? You just asked me yesterday! Is this how our life will be?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think he is very stressed but doesn't show it really. he has some skin disease and it is getting worse currently and I think it is because of stress. I also asked him often if he is happy with our decision but it seems like he's not 100% sure because he fears he will mess up some of these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; he is stressed. Have you asked him? And if you think he is afraid he will mess things up, have you told him it's ok to mess up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I really think you should do is just sit down and talk with him. Tell him that you are willing to support him as much as he wants, and if he wants help with his schoolwork that all he needs to do is ask. Also let him know that you know both of you will make mistakes, but that's what talking is for. Communication is the absolute biggest key to success in any relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as money, again I don't know how he thinks, but for some men, having the woman be the bigger earner in the family can be a blow to the pride. Again, that is something that you need to talk about. If he does feel bad about that in some way, then show him ways that he can do other things around the apartment for upkeep as part of his share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are other feelings that may be present (Such as jealousy that you have finished and are in a good job, while he being the older is still in school), but the easiest way to know about it and resolve it is to talk about it. The simplest things can be the hardest, but they work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T16:32:09.790" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2636" CreationDate="2017-10-19T16:41:11.523" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is extremely easy to do, especially in a medium such as electronic chat where you can be responding to items completely out of order, and typing a response at the same time another is typing a response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When something like this occurs, as you state, simply saying something along the lines of &quot;Hey, I'm tired/not feeling well/inattentive right now. Let's back up a bit, you said X about this issue? Ok, here's my response.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way they know you aren't ignoring them, you just aren't in a mental state to be able to handle two or three different response threads at the same time. You also let them know which topic you are on, which gives them a chance to response in the same vein.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they introduce another topic, just again remind them that you can't really concentrate on both right now, so unless it is a relevant point, you want to finish with the first topic before moving on. Make some notes, so that you can revisit the other topics once you've finished with the topic at hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T16:41:11.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-19T17:16:59.160" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Thanks for updating your question, with that information I have something to add.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I ask my dad's friend if he's interested in me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no reason to ask him if he is interested in you: he is. At the very least, in your appearance. You are also interested in his appearance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the heart of it, his behaviour is making you uncomfortable. He is checking you out quite blatantly, encouraging your own feelings of attraction and reinforcing a sexual chemistry between the two of you. There would be only two reasons for you to approach him about his apparent attraction to you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want him to stop checking you out &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want to act on this mutual&#xA;attraction&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(The third option is not to ask him at all, which I’ll get to at the end).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the other answers have gotten into the second option (whether or not to act on it) well enough, personally I agree with English Student. You need to think about the effect it would have on you, your family, his family and the relationship between the two families. If you do not want to be a homewrecker, you cannot act on it. Tempting as it is, it's that simple. Is it worth it? Only you can say. Personally, I wouldn’t go near it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ll talk a bit more about the first option: asking him to stop. If you decide against making a move on him, you are still left with the fact that he stares at you and it bothers you. I think again there are two ways of dealing with this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Truth: Telling him the attraction is mutual, but you’ve decided against acting on it, and request that he stops staring because it’s inappropriate and makes you uncomfortable&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lie: Telling him the attraction is NOT mutual, and request that he stops staring because it’s inappropriate and makes you uncomfortable&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, let me just say: it can be incredibly difficult to stand in front of a person who you are attracted to, hear them declare that they are also attracted to you, and decide not to do anything about it. Even if he has the same reservations as you, it is going to be tough. If he doesn’t, he might be able to sway you into acting on it. Even just having it out in the open might escalate both of your feelings and end up swaying you. This first option is tempting, and it’s honest, but it’s a rabbit hole. I really wouldn’t recommend this unless you have superhuman levels of self-control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For that reason, if you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; feel the need to say something, I think it’s best to go with the second. You would need to deny outright that the attraction is in any way returned on your end and keep the conversation short and to the point. That’s also going to be incredibly tough. Again, he might attempt to sway you. You need to be able to hold your ground. Again, superhuman levels of self-control needed. It’s &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; he’ll just accept it, apologise, and you both move on … but since there’s no way to know how he’ll react, it’s a pretty big risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just want to know if talking to him/responding or reciprocating his&#xA;  flirtations are a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, I don't think it's a good idea.The third option is to do nothing. It seems like a bit of a cop out, but IMO it’s the best course of action. It’s so tempting to go down the rabbit hole on this one, to bring it out into the open and see what happens, but you need to make your decision and stick to it. In this situation, any action you take is putting you on a slippery slope. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to stay out of it, don’t verbalise it, and stick to your daydreams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2244" LastEditorUserId="2244" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T17:42:10.020" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T17:42:10.020" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-19T17:25:29.383" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not convinced that she will try at all, as she hasn't shown any&#xA;  initiative yet for job-searching, and is making excuses to why she&#xA;  cannot start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You sound like a frustrated parent of an unmotivated 20-year-old, not a loving partner in an adult relationship. Why did you ask her to go with you? Maybe you should move alone and try to find a partner you will view as an equal (but independent women have expectations of their own). Either that or accept your girlfriend as she is and willingly support her financially in return for the non-monetary support she can provide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7270" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T17:25:29.383" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2636" CreationDate="2017-10-19T17:31:57.600" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have found that instead of saying sorry, it may be beneficial to say thank you instead. As per your example, instead of apologizing for your misunderstanding you could say &quot;I missed the earlier context, thank you for correcting me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find this lets the responding person not have to worry about saying &quot;no problem&quot; or responding to the apology. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7463" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T17:31:57.600" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5543" CreationDate="2017-10-19T18:03:31.287" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're really just trying to understand your mother's position better, you could propose this as a solution to her problem, and see what her thoughts are.  It should shed a great deal of light on the motivations behind the decision:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand that you are concerned that the money I might receive as an inheritance would hurt me.  However, I'm having mixed feelings about this whole situation. I'd like to suggest to grandma that instead of giving me an inheritance, she wills that money to a charity of my choice in my name.  That way she still can give me a gift, while preventing the harm you believe would come to me if I received the inheritance myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mother objects, or if this doesn't solve the problem for both of you then her motivation isn't entirely about preventing harm to you.  It should present another perspective for both of you to examine the conflict and find out what the foundational reasons are so you can resolve the situation amicably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T18:03:31.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-19T18:06:11.440" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Moving in with a girlfriend/boyfriend is like marriage&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you move in with your girlfriend because of convenience and/or because you don't feel comfortable breaking up with her right now. Those actions will become infinitely more difficult to do once you've been sharing the same residence for a while. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this is just on the emotional level, there are also legal ramifications to consider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, evicting a co-tenant (a former girlfriend/boyfriend) who doesn't pay rent (and who has never paid any rent) may almost be impossible (even if you moved out yourself, you may still be liable for the rent to the landlord). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And there is also the concept of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage#Australia&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;de factor relationship&lt;/a&gt; in Australia (in the UK and the US, we call it common law marriage). The idea is that you may be considered legally married to that person after having spent a certain amount of time living with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In Australia the term &lt;strong&gt;de facto relationship&lt;/strong&gt; is often used to refer to&#xA;  relationships between any two persons who are not married, but are&#xA;  effectively living in certain domestic circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage#Australia&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;source&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it could be worse than that, if she needs a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.visabureau.com/australia/spouse-visas-for-australia.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;partner visa&lt;/a&gt; to enter Australia (which I have no idea if this is the case because you didn't say one way or another), you may both be required to prove/swear to the fact that you've both been in a de facto relationship for a while now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, please both realize what it means to take this seemingly innocuous step of traveling and moving in together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understand also that you will be &lt;strong&gt;uprooting&lt;/strong&gt; this girl from her own local environment. If she travels and moves in with you so far away from her home, she will have no local family, no local friends, no job, and no support network of any kind, except for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you ready for that responsibility? What will you do if she becomes depressed? What will you do if she wants to fill in that void by having a baby? Will you even have time to be with her? And if she's not working now at her location because someone is supporting her, don't think that she will start working after the move if you or her parents are still supporting her after the move. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you pay for her trip and subsidize a huge part of her expenses, it may make more sense that you don't both move into the same residence and that you only get yourself a small studio/a shared room for yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And even if you move in with her, it may be better to have her follow you three months, or even six months later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now based on your username, I'm guessing that you're a computer programmer. Also, since your girlfriend is not working, I'm assuming that her job prospects are limited even if she does find a job.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having her move in her own shared place under her own name (not yours) would be one way to make her independent from you and to motivate her to find an actual job. Also, sharing a place with roommates would teach her how to get along with roommates, which is a valuable skill to have if she doesn't have it already, and it would force her to be semi-social with her roommates, instead of only relying for companionship on you (since I assume you'll pretty busy once you start working, at least at the beginning).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T18:37:39.533" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T18:37:39.533" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-19T18:21:55.230" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say: &quot;Polly, I'm really, really sorry I messed up. I didn't explain myself very well and I'd like to start over: I've decided to move to Melborne/Brisbane/Sydney/wherever. I'd be very happy for you to come with me, but if you do, I expect you to contribute fairly to our shared costs (food, and rent). I'm willing to support both of us for a couple of months, but I'm not willing to support you indefinitely.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Although I think your distrust of her shows that the relationship is doomed, and that you should not have asked - since you already know your feelings for her aren't very strong. I also think she'd be a fool to go along. But hey, I could be wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7586" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T18:21:55.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-19T18:33:49.100" Score="-4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have invented a quote, myself, that I often think applies to these situations.  Of which I am myself involved in one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here come the down-votes though :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But hold on please!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Women want something for nothing.  Men think their nothing is something&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're essentially discussing a financial matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, in a 'fair and unrealistic' world.  The woman wouldn't even CONSIDER moving in with you unless she could contribute financially equally.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And vice versa if a woman requested a man to move in with her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if she's willing to move in with you (without the raw capital input for rent), in even the smallest way, &lt;em&gt;shes getting something for nothing.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, you're protecting your finances by ensuring that your girl friend carries her weight financially.  But we're talking about RENT that you've claimed you can handle anyway (&lt;em&gt;You think your nothing (rent) is something&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hehehe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's the reality?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Read some books about relationships, and what is typically attractive to the other sex.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is undeniable evidence that what women typically find attractive about men, is different from what men typically find attractive about women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, in my own life; I value the following&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.) Physical Attractiveness&#xA;2.) Sexual Fulfillment&#xA;3.) Praise and Respect&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my spouse, her values are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.) Financial Stability&#xA;2.) Affection&#xA;3.) Conversation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(From: His Needs, Her Needs)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;~~~~~~&#xA;TL DR; and conclusion&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is that a relationship is about ensuring that both people involved feel secure, fulfilled, and that they are valued. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she shouldn't pay rent at all.  If financial stability is important to her, that could become a very attractive attribute you provide for her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a honest and open conversation about how each people participates EQUALLY in the relationship is a must.  She could contribute to the 'team' in an infinite amount of ways that doesn't mean paying rent.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;~~~~~~&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my own relationship I have a live in girl-friend, who doesn't pay rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has been an ongoing relationship for two years now.  And at times, she is 6 years younger than me, that I have to stand up for my contributions to the relationship versus hers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An honest and open conversation has helped our love and made both of us feel fulfilled in the relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6616" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T18:33:49.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="814" CreationDate="2017-10-19T20:17:06.263" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Where I work we've been informed multiple times to not be seen messing with cell phones, and we are not to connect any personal devices to the networks here at work. Here's what I've done, and it seems to have worked fairly well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Yes, buy a cheap notepad-sized tablet for taking notes. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some reason, tablets look &quot;businesslike&quot;, while phones do not. I've had multiple people tell me this when they saw me using mine. In fact, it can go a bit too far. Sometimes people who don't know me see me walk into the breakroom with mine and start trying to act busy. (!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Equally importantly, they are way more effective for taking (and finding) notes than a cellphone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to be safe, mine is not connected to the internet in any way while I'm at work. You &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; probably tether it off your phone though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found tablets are also much better than smaller phones (or TVs) for a lot of purposes around the house too, but that's off-topic here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Buy a Bluetooth headset, and keep it connected at all times. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to make a phone call, pull the phone out to dial, but put it away thereafter and use the headset to converse and control the call. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only does this keep you from looking like you are goofing off on the phone, but it saves your ears on long calls, and frees your hands up for doing things like looking up information the caller needs, or avoiding falling down stairs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will also save you from accidentally leaving your phone somewhere and forgetting about it, and help you locate it when you still do. This has saved my keister many a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only real drawback is you often don't &lt;em&gt;look&lt;/em&gt; like you are on the phone, so people will walk up to you and try to ask for things, or wonder why this crazy person is talking to nobody, or even think you are talking to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could probably also dispense with the phone for dialing, if you are willing to use voice commands. I'm too old-fashioned to demean myself by talking to a computer, but I understand it works for some people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(Optional) Buy a smartwatch. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some are as cheap as $100. This should allow you to see who is calling you, and even check to see if a text or email looks important enough to excuse yourself, directly off the watch. With this and #2 you can also take (or reject) phone calls without ever having to touch the phone. These two also allow you to turn your phone ringer entirely off, without worrying about missing anything important. (I've found cellphone ring tones in crowded offices to be a real menace).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking at your watch during a meeting is still a smidge rude (&quot;Am I boring this person?&quot;), but nowhere near as much as digging out a cellphone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="5047" LastEditDate="2017-10-19T20:29:49.377" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T20:29:49.377" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5661" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5672" CreationDate="2017-10-19T20:31:49.203" Score="5" ViewCount="1316" Body="&lt;p&gt;So a “wardrobe malfunction” can basically mean someone’s fly being open or someone’s dress, skirt getting bunched up in a weird way in their underpants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am dealing with friends, acquaintances, co-workers or someone I have some basic familiarity with, I can easily just come up to them and say, “Hey! I think you should check your this/that/other…”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what about complete strangers regardless of gender, age orientation or ability? My general rule of thumb has been to approach a stranger based on severity and awareness… Will be honest, I borderline on gender-bias when this happens since I think a man with an open zipper is not as bad/embarrassing as a woman who inadvertently has their skirt or dress burned up in the back of their underpants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am located in a major city in the northeast part of the U.S. if to add context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T06:09:15.143" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T21:49:15.440" Title="How and when to best approach a stranger about a “wardrobe malfunction?”" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2017-10-21T11:37:29.357" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5502" CreationDate="2017-10-19T20:38:50.967" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see two questions here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To approach a married man you would have to find an excuse to be alone with him. Ask him for his help on to buy/get something that would require his expertise alone. You might have to do this several times since your dad might tag along. That said, this will also give you a probable answer to him being interested in you. If he comes alone (no wife, no kids) he is more probably into you than not. Also listen deeply into if and how many times does he bring her wife,kids and dad into your conversation when you talk to him. Those will be your parameters into advancing into a flirtatious chat. After that just flirt with him as usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second question is more moral/life experience related but ill try to keep those issues aside. Clearly you are into him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you truly want only a short term sex relationship you will have to understand your place in the relationship. And this means that by no means you will be above his family or his relationship with your dad as a friend. That mean no dramas over jealousy, lack of time/attention, money, etc. Same rules apply to him. And both must understand that a relationship wont have the deepness of emotional level of even a bf/gf relationship. If you can cope with all of the above at your age and understand the consequences of being found out or an accidental pregnancy, then yes, such a relationship could exists. But i must really stress out that both must play under those rules to minimize any problem that might arise and cause unhappiness to either side and to be ready to end that relationship at any moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want a long term relationship then the answer is No. Too many problems starting from age gap, cheating, awkwardness with your family and probably damaging your relationship with them. You are too young to deal with a family building relationship with a guy with that background. At your age, probability states that you will find a less troublesome prospect for a boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T20:38:50.967" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1841" CreationDate="2017-10-19T21:04:35.883" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short answer: Sometimes people fear judgement and will stop stealing if given a way to fix it. This won't apply to all people, but the friendship with Mark could possibly be salvaged if he thinks you'll forgive and let go (even if it's done indirectly).&#xA;From personal experience I had this problem with a friend. A group of us regularly gathered for Vampire: the Masquerade (role play game) at my (parents) house. Ages range from 11th grade to recently graduated high school. We played in my basement room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I noticed things (small things, like zippo lighters) started to disappear. I tossed my room looking for them, then I confronted all of them as a group. &quot;Has anyone seen my zippo?&quot; As expected, no one had, but I kept asking every week. Eventually I added &quot;Not judging, just want the zippo back.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shortly after, it turned up on my bed. Since I sleep in my bed I was pretty sure I would have noticed it if it had been 'lost' there for months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thanked them as a group for bringing it back (even though they all denied it), and the theft stopped after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note some things never came back, but the thief knew I noticed and did stop taking stuff. I remained friends with everyone for a few years after until we all grew apart with college and jobs and general growing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7599" LastEditorUserId="10758" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T12:18:23.793" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T12:18:23.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5668" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5669" CreationDate="2017-10-19T21:13:01.140" Score="5" ViewCount="678" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in America and every once in a while I come across someone with food stuck in their teeth.  Recently it happened with a coworker I feel friendly towards.  I first noticed while we were having a 1:1 chat but there was another person in the room. I felt like I should give them a heads up but I also don't want them to feel embarrassed especially because it wasn't just the two of us.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you tell someone they have food stuck in their teeth while minimizing any possible embarrassment they might feel?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7411" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T11:53:43.603" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T21:21:55.973" Title="How and when to tell someone they have food in their teeth" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5668" CreationDate="2017-10-19T21:15:01.373" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The rule I always follow, is that if it can't be fixed in 5 seconds, don't bring it up. If somebody has something stuck in their teeth, or something that can be easily fixed on the spot, let them know so they can fix it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if it is something major that would mean the person would have to head home, or take considerable time to fix, to not mention it to the stranger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is the first case, say that they have something stuck in their teeth, saying &quot;Just a heads up you may have a little something in your teeth. I hate it when it happens to me, just wanted to let you know.&quot; usually (in my experience) warrants a quick thank you and then you are both on your way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7463" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T21:15:01.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5515" CreationDate="2017-10-19T21:29:07.270" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;(1) Things got off to a poor start by asking hard questions about rent.  Try to get past that by not bringing it up again, at least for now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) Moving in together into a smaller place first just means you will have to move again when your finances are better settled.  Just assume all will go well and get the apartment you both really want the first time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) It's a lot easier for her to find a good job once she's there than to do it by &quot;remote control&quot;.  She just may surprise you by finding a job quickly once you both move in.  Take a &quot;leap of faith&quot; by waiting to make money demands on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(4) Paying for a whole small apartment is more expensive than half a bigger apartment.  For that reason alone try to make it work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(5) I assume you know her well enough to know if she has career ambitions of her own or is just looking for someone to pay the bills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(6) If it doesn't work out, get out.  Have an exit strategy in place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I'm in a situation not too different from yours.  I should take my own advice.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-19T21:29:07.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5672" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5661" CreationDate="2017-10-20T03:17:15.693" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think in a way no matter how you approach this there will no doubt be some awkwardness because as you said they are a complete stranger and they most likely will be embarrassed because of the wardrobe malfunction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said I personally think these types of things are best handled in a straight forward manner. If you are too subtle about how you try to mention it to them, they may not understand what you are trying to imply and that may lead to even more awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should just approach them the same way you mentioned that you approach people you know, with a simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“I think you need to check your _____.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said, no matter what it will be weird, but I think in the end the stranger will be more appreciative that someone, like yourself, was kind enough to let them know about it, rather than let them go on with their day further embarrassing themselves unknowingly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For context I live near the Twin Cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul in MN).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7613" LastEditorUserId="7613" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T21:49:15.440" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T21:49:15.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5668" CreationDate="2017-10-20T03:54:00.877" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How and when to tell somone they have food in their teeth&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pleasantly, and immediately.  Look, the guy is going to be embarrassed.  It's too late for that to not happen.  But best it come from someone friendly or at least kind -- you.  So tell him, so he can fix the problem or take whatever action he sees fit, and just don't be nasty about it.  &quot;Hey Jim, you got some spinach on your teeth, fyi.&quot;  That's it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't overdramatize it with a huge, stilted paragraph of empathy.  And don't worry about whether or not you think there's an opportunity for him to fix it.  Let the guy decide what to do with the info.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="6468" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T21:21:55.973" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T21:21:55.973" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5668" CreationDate="2017-10-20T04:18:52.017" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell them as soon as you can see that they can remove it without anyone else knowing.  Or they can decamp to a private place to remove it.  You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You have something stuck in your teeth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7610" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T04:45:58.950" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T04:45:58.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5677" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5553" CreationDate="2017-10-20T09:06:35.390" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have developed this technique where when possible, I just don't look at who is behind me. I will open the door, walk through casually (1 second), and then after passing slowly start shutting the door in a manner that takes about 3 more seconds and is not firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone was behind me closely, this gives him/her the opportunity to take over the grip of the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone was behind me a bit further away, he/she could see that I didn't look back and see that I am closing the door slowly, giving him/her the opportunity to speed up and catch the door before it is closed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone was far away, it would be obvious that the door would close, as I am not aware of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I do however get to have eye contact with the person behind me, or if someone would be coming towards me while walking through, I will set exactly the same time frame as above. This mimicking of what I would do if no one was in front of me, I just started enforcing, as I too needed some reference on what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will make exceptions for 'special' cases, such as for the Elderly, young children, disabled, sometimes even VIP. In these cases I will wait two or three more seconds if I think they might benefit from it, considering their velocity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7081" LastEditorUserId="7081" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T09:12:03.990" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T09:12:03.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5543" CreationDate="2017-10-20T10:44:54.160" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that she may have lied to her own mother. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For one thing, grandparents can themselves be irresponsible when dividing up money by giving it prematurely to their grandkids instead of allocating it to their own old age, basic necessities, food requirements, nursing home care, medical/funeral expenses, or money to maintain aging assets. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or as someone else mentioned already, your mother could very well feel she should receive that money herself, to pay for expenses already incurred for grandma or expenses that she feels she and her husband may incur in their old age, but instead of directly asking for that money, she chose an oblique approach that may have had nothing to do with you guys. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to the motorcycle example, motorcycles are actually cheaper to buy and usually cheaper to insure (since you're most likely to kill yourself with them, not others). And perhaps, she believes that being in charge of the money will give her a way to control or mitigate some of the risks that your brother and you may take. And it doesn't have to be just the motorcycle, it could be your girlfriends/fiancees that she doesn't like, or doesn't trust them to marry you, or doesn't trust them not to divorce you after a few years. Or if she misses you, taking charge of the money could be just a way to try to increase her relevancy into both of your lives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever reasoning she gives you, understand that it may not be the truth, and that's fine. If I were you, the only thing I would check is the tax implications of her decision. If she knows what she's doing, then fine. But if she doesn't know what she's doing with regards to taxes, make sure that she doesn't lose a good portion of the inheritance by giving it to the government -- just because she's trying to control her two own adult sons with that money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T10:44:54.160" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5514" CreationDate="2017-10-20T12:32:24.460" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Thanks for asking this Adam.  An effective google search led me here as I have have been thinking about a personal experience months ago.  I even composed a facebook message yesterday, apologizing to my ex. As I thought about sending it,  I started to recognize, and even more so after reading northernGateway's excellent post today, that motives in these types of situations are very tricky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend being patient and really considering &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you are planning to apologize. In the moment, we may feel we're doing the noble or right thing. But at the end of the day, or the next day, we may realize we acted out of self motivation and not for the benefit of the victim. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe it would help if I summarized what happened to me. A year and a half or so ago, my then girlfriend at the time spent the night at my house and we shared some consensual second base stuff (we didn't go to third or home base: no genital touching or intercourse). She woke up the next morning, and probably feeling guilty, hurriedly got ready to leave. I hugged her, and told her she didn't need to hurry out. But the situation got a little inappropriate as she repeated the desire to leave and tried to get up and I still hugged her. When I recognized that her voice was more serious, I felt awful.  I knew that I needed to let go. I apologized immediately and sent an apology via text later that day as well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a huge guy, but I was probably strong enough to hold her against her will for a moment there. To be honest, I was feeling a bit guilty that morning about the second base stuff as well. We both were religious and our actions violated our personal belief set. In scenarios like that, I want my partner to stick around and talk about it, and not just sprint off in shame.  Being alone sucks.  So my motives for hugging/holding her hopefully weren't the worst? Regardless, with all of these #metoo posts, I cringe to imagine that I may have contributed to any sort of oppression or negative feelings that women go through. Abuseful words or actions done towards women are absolutely awful and undeserved. The whole scenario is very unpleasant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, as these worries were growing about my actions many months ago, sending a personal apology seemed like the right thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But another key factor in this scenario is that we are no longer dating.  A couple months after this incident, and &lt;em&gt;hopefully hopefully&lt;/em&gt; unrelated to this event, my gf dumped me. It broke my heart. To be honest, I think that I loved her. When she ended it over the phone hundreds of miles away, I began to think about all the things that may have led to her leaving me. I was helpless and tried to understand why and apologized for anything. But it was one of the worst nights of my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, about a year later, approaching halloween day when we had our first date several years ago, my mind is filled with thoughts of her. I want to be with her, or the idea of her at least. I know through fb likes, that she has been happy to see #metoo posts. So me apologizing to her in private, or in public...idk, it just seems impossible to do without having some sort of personal motive to impress her and win her back. I feel awful about my actions that morning, but I also still miss her. I hope that she has forgotten about the whole thing, and I hope she's happy with someone else in her life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a lie, the idea of her being with someone kind of sucks. I've dated several people after her, and no one compares. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, I digress. Just the same, and way too many personal details later, I think it's best that I internalize my feelings of remorse at this point, that I like and support other posts of people sharing their experience/apologizing, and that I try to improve my friendships with other people who may need someone to talk to. And of course, never repeat that type of action again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Figured I'd share this personal experience. Hopefully my open form thoughts help someone who is similarly on the fence about reaching out to apologize for something said or done in the past. I may be wrong, and would welcome anyone's thoughts/opinions. I hope this post finds you all hopeful and in good health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7628" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T12:53:36.680" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T12:53:36.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5682" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5696" CreationDate="2017-10-20T16:28:02.520" Score="0" ViewCount="799" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I feel embarrassed when looking at a girl dancing on a show. I'm not speaking about lapdance or things like that, but 'regular' dances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably, I'm making myself too many problems but where and what I should look at?&#xA;I mean... of course, I'm there because I like dances and I appreciate either male or female dancers artistically speaking, but the sensuality is part of the dance and I appreciate that, too, in a girl. I look at the movement, the harmony, but even the body and the beauty of the girls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it happens, that I'm near the dancing girl, we look at each other and I'm afraid she can misinterpret my gaze. I'm not sure she will be happy to know that I'm looking (even to) her legs, her bottom, her body in 'that' way, because she can think that I'm not interested in the dance but in sex and in that situation I think it would be stupid to think of sex, because she's not dancing (just) for me, I don't even know her and I will probably never meet her again. Maybe she likes to be looked at, but I don't want to pass for stupid or rude or maniac (I'm not) and I don't want to make her uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I look just in her eyes but I'm not sure it's the right thing to do because it becomes very personal. Also, I want to watch the dance...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you think? Are there some dancers who want to share their sensations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7584" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T18:29:04.140" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T20:50:33.250" Title="How to not embarrass a dancer?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-10-21T03:40:46.390" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5683" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-20T16:44:20.637" Score="60" ViewCount="32833" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm usually good at this sort of stuff but I don't know how to handle this situation. I'll start from the beginning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Backstory&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About 2-3 years ago, a good friend of mine, Henry, stole a grinder from another &quot;friend&quot; of his and gave it to me. I didn't want it at first but he convinced me to take it as he was &quot;only going to throw it away&quot; because he wouldn't be able to use it in front of the other &quot;friend&quot;. Not being directly involved with this situation or the other &quot;friend&quot;, I then took the grinder and used it myself for the next year and a half.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to about 6-9 months ago, Henry and his &quot;friend&quot; are no longer friends and he decides he wants this grinder back. Now, Henry has been a really great friend to me and although I thought that asking for a gift back is pretty damn rude, I decided I'd give it back to him and buy myself a new grinder. I ended up buying the same model, which cost me €45. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It didn't bother me to buy a new one because I had plenty of money at that time. It did bother me that he asked for it back, but because Henry can be quite confrontational at times, I decided that arguing about how I felt wasn't worth it and it'd be all forgotten about shortly after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Up until now, there was no issue. I had my grinder, and Henry had his. However, Henry decided to swap the top compartment of his grinder with mine - initially, this was just as a prank, but when I asked for the top part of mine back, he told me that he thinks it's fair that he keeps it because he gave me the grinder to use all that time ago. I mentioned to him how most people don't usually return things they get as gifts and that it was nice of me to even give it back. &quot;F*** ***&quot; was the response to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I don't care about money, and the functionality of the grinder is identical, so as far as practical impact goes, it really doesn't make a difference for me. However, I can't help but feel completely disrespected from all this. I didn't want the grinder in the first place, and if he had told me the day he gave it to me that he was just going to ask for it back later, and try take a part of my new grinder as tax, I wouldn't have taken it - why would I make a deal with little to no benefit to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless, this feels similar to entrapment and that is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; okay with me. I'm losing out here and I've done nothing wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other important factors are that I do a lot with Henry. We both live in the same locality and attend the same college an hour and a half away. We're also living together for this year of college. He organized the house to live in and as I don't drive he's my only way of travelling up and down from college each week. This also saves me a phenomenal amount of money as public transport in my country is extremely expensive and unreliable, especially when living rural. &lt;em&gt;This puts him somewhat in a position of power over me&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Solution&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where I need some advice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to tell him how scummy and selfish I think it was of him to request what I thought was a gift back from me simply because it suited him best, and then stealing a part of my grinder and trying to pass it off as tax for something I had thought was over already. This will almost certainly end with him telling me about how he does so much for me, then him telling me to f*** off. I would then have to deal with an awkward house and pay 60% of my income on travel. Not the best outcome IMO.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I say nothing, bottle it up and hope that this bottle doesn't overflow.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;An option where I can get my point across and not risk losing a friend or having an argument.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm probably going to go with option 2, because it creates the least hassle for me - but being in a position like this is grinding away at me and making me feel powerless - enough to the point I've come to ask the internet for help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the right thing to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;More info&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to clear some stuff up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accommodation in my country is very, very difficult to get. There is a national housing crisis right now and students are some of the worst affected. The idea of being able to secure, let alone afford, a one-bedroom apartment is out of the question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Getting a car is pretty much out of the question too. Although I have almost obtained my full license, the price of insurance for a first time driver in my country is in excess of €3000 - not including the price of a car. It is simply not clever at this point in time to spend my entire savings on one.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't drink or smoke. I just vaporize cannabis. This makes the habit very cheap for me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7643" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T05:31:34.530" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T05:31:34.530" Title="I gave a &quot;gift&quot; back to a friend after he asked for it back, and now he is trying to tax me for using it" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T14:16:22.857" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5685" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-20T17:21:46.350" Score="164" Body="&lt;p&gt;This incident should really tell you everything you need to know about your friend. I mean .. he &quot;stole&quot; the grinder from someone else to begin with. And then he &quot;stole&quot; it back from you, further taking advantage of you by swapping out the &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;used&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; parts with your &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;new&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; ones in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really looks like this guy is only watching out for number one: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;himself&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Everyone else is only a resource he taps into when he needs them. People like these are commonly known as &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;parasites&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, and are best avoided. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that if you were to analyze your relationship with him very objectively, you'll find many more examples of him forcing you into doing something which, while seemingly innocuous, actually works out in his favor, with little regard as to your own wishes or opinions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For example, taking the grinder in the first place. You didn't really want it, but he manipulated you into taking it off his hands, thus having you store it for him until he needed it again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend taking a step back and reassessing your relationship with this person. It's not an easy thing to do, but it may very well save you a lot of grief in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need not cut him out of your life completely, but perhaps it would be best if you created a little more distance between the two of you. Watch and see whether he will try to make things right between you, or if he simply loses touch once he realizes he can't manipulate you to suit his needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if he needs you store something in your garage for him for a while (which, if I recognize the type, will turn into months), tell him that you can't accommodate him at the moment. If he needs a drive, etc. politely refuse. Don't feel guilty about it either! I'm sure you've helped him plenty in the past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just see how he reacts when he doesn't get his way. Does he try to manipulate you into helping him? Does he get angry if you keep shutting him down? Make further decisions based on his reactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T17:30:12.700" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T17:30:12.700" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-20T17:46:28.480" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm, okay, it seems you expect your &quot;friend&quot; Henry (who &lt;strong&gt;steals&lt;/strong&gt; stuff from his buddies) to behave like an &lt;strong&gt;honest gentleman&lt;/strong&gt;. Something feels a little bit odd here, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Up until now, there was no issue. I had my grinder, and Henry had his. However, Henry decided to swap the top compartment of his grinder with mine - initially, this was just as a prank, but when I asked for the top part of mine back, he told me that he thinks it's fair that he keeps it because he gave me the grinder to use all that time ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's classic bullying, remember the kid in high school that takes your stuff and then says &quot;that's mine now.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That bully didn't take your pen because he needed a new pen. He did it to humiliate and dominate you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, I can't help but feel completely disrespected from all this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, that's the idea. It would seem your buddy treats people as commodities to be exploited, but wouldn't mind humiliating them a little bit on top. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, as long as you don't react to his lack of respect, he'll consider you're free to exploit, bully, and use as the receiving end of his shit mood, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;F*** ***&quot; was the response to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dealing with these is easy if you have power over them, but that's not your case... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't drive he's my only way of travelling up and down from college each week. (...) This puts him somewhat in a position of power over me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's your solution:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Step 1: Stop purchasing drugs, which will save you enough money for...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Step 2: Find a place close to college to live in (even if it's a small one-bedroom apartment, at least it won't have a Henry in it to make your life miserable)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Step 3: Move out and get on with your life&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-22T02:58:50.383" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T02:58:50.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-20T18:05:05.143" Score="72" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this situation, you have a person who:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Steals from one friend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Uses another friend to cover it up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reneges on a &amp;quot;gift&amp;quot; when it is convenient for him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rearranges the situation to suit himself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a self-centered individual, with some bullying tendencies. A relationship like this will always be one sided, tilted in his favor. The only time he will do stuff for others is when it is convenient for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two comments that are telling, are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say nothing, bottle it up and hope that this bottle doesn't overflow&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An option where I can get my point across and not risk losing a friend or having an argument&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this a &amp;quot;friend&amp;quot; you really care about keeping? I understand that you have a living situation to deal with, but honestly, there are some relationships that are just not worth keeping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, you also demonstrate some aspects of victim mentality, i.e. you would rather appease than confront, ignore a situation to avoid conflict, etc. While you don't want to hear it, you are making choices that make it easy for him to have this power over you. You can afford to spend 45 Euros on a grinder, and however much your cannabis costs, but cannot afford transportation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am trying to point out that choices have consequences. You could choose to move and buy a bike for 9 months, or choose to gloss it over and have it eat at you for 9 months. Or however you want to work it out. All that I am saying is that you need to decide what is important &lt;em&gt;for you&lt;/em&gt; and do that. If that choice is appeasing him for 9 months, great. If it means moving out and dealing with transportation or other issues, great. Just make sure that you are making the choice for your own best interests, not just taking an easy way out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T13:35:27.183" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-20T18:21:14.463" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Listen, given your description of your friend's behavior and your response, you've got a problem that is likely insurmountable, assuming you don't radically change your behavior (and given that you came to a site like this to ask how to handle the situation, I doubt you have it in your personality to deal with this). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, if your friend responded F*** you to that comment, he doesn't care if you think he's scummy. There is a reason for this- I don't want to use any derogatory words, but he is is clearly dominant in this relationship, and I hope you can understand what that implies for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want this person to keep treating you like this, you either need to grow a pair and stand up to him or move on from the relationship, because if you don't, you'll continue to be bullied. It's that simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2001" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T18:21:14.463" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5689" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-20T18:42:51.873" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answers here cover pretty well the relationship angle. To me the most important thing you said is that &lt;strong&gt;you feel powerless&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you are still in a position where you have to deal with this person for 9 months. That's a long time for you to feel powerless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, your priority should be finding ways to reduce your dependence on him. Certainly, don't entangle yourself further with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A method of at least mentally getting back some of your power here is concluding that you &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; deal with him not transporting you and being an awkward roommate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'd rather not since losing 60% of your income to public transport is a huge hit as would the inconvenience. But its something you could handle. You are not totally dependent on him. You're at college, you can try to find an apartment to rent. Or if its an assigned situation, there should be an school-based counselor or arbitrator that you can make use of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted, you may not want to if cannabis is illegal where you are. The options are still there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you accept in your own mind that his &quot;power&quot; is just a convenience for you, confronting him directly about anything should come much more easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can still choose to keep quiet here if you decide the convenience is worth it. But the decision should be made as a practical consideration, not from a fear of confrontation or anxiety. And after you make this decision you should not feel powerless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7651" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-24T18:37:39.110" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T18:37:39.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-20T19:38:11.940" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I think it's pretty clear from all of the other posts that the internet agrees that this Henry guy is not the kind of person you really want to be friends with.  But regardless, we need to figure out how to take control of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have one advantage: you have nothing material to lose:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now, I don't care about money, and the functionality of the grinder is identical, so as far as actual impact goes, it really doesn't make a difference for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also have one huge weakness: you are dependent on him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...he's my only way of travelling up and down from college each week.... This puts him somewhat in a position of power over me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the first part means that this is a purely social interaction.  No ownership really needs to be called into question.  The approach I'd usually take is to day:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I consider your taking of the grinder compartment to be stealing.  You are free to think differently, but know that my interaction with you is going to include the fact that I consider you to have stolen my to compartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that he's apparently happy to steal entire grinders, this is a pretty easy-to-defend claim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the hard part is that you are reliant on him for travel.  As long as this is true, you have given him power over you, and he's known to be a narcissistic thief.  The long-term solution is to get out from under that relationship and become another individual that Henry is no longer &quot;friends&quot; with.  However, the process of doing that is beyond the scope of this question.  That's a far more in-depth challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not knowing how that should go, I can't truly say what you should do in this narrower problem.  However, one approach you could try is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know what, I'm not going to fight you over the grinder container.  However, I do treat this as a reflection on how you treat your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And leave it at that.  See if he even cares about his reputation, and go from there.  This reply is far less than accusing him of stealing, but it does retain you some power: it becomes clear that your opinion of him is yours alone, and he can't dictate how you should feel towards him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-10-24T18:37:09.170" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T18:37:09.170" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3611" CreationDate="2017-10-20T19:58:25.350" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does it have to be a co-worker? I understand wanting to be closer to your colleagues, but unless you have a common interest it can often be hard to strike up and maintain a friendship outside of the office (Especially if you are in different life situations, i.e. you are single, he/she is married with kids, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have gotten a good suggestion on how to approach a co-worker, but I would also suggest a website like &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.meetup.com/?_cookie-check=WG3N_xyx2nfNHLNV&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;meetup.com&lt;/a&gt; or similar. These are basically interest groups that plan get togethers. What this does, is give you an opportunity to meet people that are interested in the same things you are. You can also do the same for things you are interested in learning. One almost universal truth is that people like teaching other people more about their hobby interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you can look for community events centered around your interests, or you can try taking a class (Either offered through the city, many have 10-12 week mini classes/sports or at a local community college) on something you'd like to learn more about. If it is work related, you can also see if you qualify for tuition assistance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you also mention the panic attack, one more thing I would recommend would be &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.toastmasters.org/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Toastmasters&lt;/a&gt;. It is a group designed to help people become more confident leaders and public speakers. It would help for sure with being able to present at work if necessary, and might also give you more confidence in loud, noisy social situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T19:58:25.350" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5692" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5694" CreationDate="2017-10-20T20:03:56.437" Score="4" ViewCount="328" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am having superficial dental work done that's not related to any health issues. There are two doctors at the practice I go to: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) dr. who I've had more interaction with during my various visits to the practice, and &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) dr. who got assigned (because of my availability) to my case over a year or so ago when I first went started visiting this practice. I've seen dr. 2 less on any occasion (or not at all), and the times I've had any interaction with this dr. it has been uncomfortable- I was never put at ease or assured about any concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally, I prefer if dr. 1 would take over my case because I want the dr. who works on something that's going to be the front focus of my face for a long time to put me at ease and be able to have a good conversation with me without me feeling like a burden or uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an awkward person with little grace, and I didn't handle this transition smoothly. I got the sense from the receptionist that they didn't want to transfer me to dr. 1. I literally had to say that I would feel more comfortable being with a dr. who I've had more interactions with and who puts me at ease about the procedure. In the end, the receptionist agreed and I've got an appt. with dr. 1. &lt;strong&gt;Was it okay to be so direct about this request?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand the hesitation to transfer me- dr. 2 has been on my case for more than a year (though I've seen dr. 2 less, but the time span is long because I stopped going to the practice for a long time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And there's probably an inter-colleague courtesy thing where these drs. don't poach each other's patients. &lt;strong&gt;Should I care about this, though?&lt;/strong&gt; I just want the best treatment for my long term aesthetics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should I feel guilty or awkward for dropping dr. 2? What would have been a better way to do this?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason why I am asking this here is because I think my lack of social graces rendered me incapable of navigating this situation smoothly, and not making it awkward for everyone. I honestly don't believe it should be awkward because I just want to choose who I think is the better dr.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7658" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T20:26:46.687" Title="Is it okay to ask for a different doctor if you don't want to be treated by your current one?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2019-03-08T16:20:23.173" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-20T20:15:11.760" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Now that you've already figured out that you should move out and cut him out of your life after College (which seems to be nearly done for you). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll address your other concerns. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This also saves&#xA;  me a phenomenal amount of money as public transport in my country is&#xA;  extremely expensive and unreliable, especially when living rural. This&#xA;  puts him somewhat in a position of power over me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop feeding your resentment. You made a mistake. You're going to correct that mistake soon (as soon as College is over). Good!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you've made that decision, think of what's happening purely in financial terms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do the calculations. If you were to move out tomorrow, how much would that cost you? How much are you saving each month because he drives you to school? How much are you contributing to gas and to his insurance/upkeep of his vehicle? Of course, keep this information to yourself. He doesn't need to know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you saving €45 a month? €100? €300? Do not just squander that savings, put it away in some sort of rainy day fund (it doesn't have to be the entire amount, it could just be a small portion of it each month). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just to get a new habit going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This puts him somewhat in a position of power over me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Freedom costs planning, time, and money. Freedom usually has a price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's why I'm suggesting that you start saving some of that money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He organized the house to live in and as I don't drive... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing I would do if I were you is to get a drivers license for a car. Or if that's too difficult in your country, I would try to get a license for a motorcycle or a moped. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to buy a car or anything like that, I'm just suggesting that you to start taking baby steps towards independence. Even if it's a tiny little step, taking it will give you back a small measure of control instead of feeling powerless (since you're not able to move out right at this very minute). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the second thing I'd suggest you do is to plan your exit carefully. Moving out takes time. Planning a move (unless you're moving back home or unless you're moving into some dorm for grad students) takes research and preparation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let others do the planning for you. Choose your next roommates/housemates/friends much more carefully. Do not leave things like that to chance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assume you're not going to get your deposit back and that some of your personal property may disappear just before you move out. Try to keep things cordial until then, or things may get worse. Your housemate obviously has no respect for personal property. He will make up any excuse to take the stuff that he wants, especially if he thinks you no longer want to be friends with him, so do not throw oil on that fire by telling him that you no longer want to be friends/bong buddy with him once you're done with College. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-10-20T20:20:42.880" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T20:20:42.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5694" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5692" CreationDate="2017-10-20T20:26:46.687" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Was it okay to be so direct about this request?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes,  being frank and direct is the most accurate way to communicate with other people.&lt;/strong&gt;  If you are not direct, people are more likely to misunderstand what you want.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You also did a very good job of phrasing your request as a positive. ie. I like dr. 1 because he does this well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I feel guilty or awkward for dropping dr. 2?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No you should not feel guilty.  Your health is your responsibility&lt;/strong&gt; and if you believe that doctor 1 will be a better doctor then absolutely you should insist on seeing him (provided of course that he will also accept you as a patient).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What would have been a better way to do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds to me like you handled this as well as it can be handled.  In order to have as good a life as possible we need to learn a balance between thinking about others, and standing up for ourselves.  From what you've told us it sounds like you are doing ok at keeping them in balance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I care about this[dr. 2's feelings], though?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you should,  but just because you care doesn't mean you have to let him treat you.  BTW caring about others is good because it encourages us to be polite when letting someone know that we need a different person's services. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Food for thought:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I suspect (like you)  that the reason the office didn't want you to switch doctors is because dr. 1 is already in high demand and dr. 2 is not.  This means that your probably not the only one who prefers dr1. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Congrats on standing up for yourself! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T20:26:46.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5682" CreationDate="2017-10-20T20:35:42.167" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;next time you are watching a dance performance look at the people around you and watch how they are behaving.  If you behave the same way they do it will be extremely unlikely that you will embarrass any one including the dancer(s).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a person is dancing on stage at a performance it is safe to assume that he or she wants other people to watch her/him dance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T20:35:42.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5696" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5682" CreationDate="2017-10-20T20:50:33.250" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Also a dancer knows that depending on the dance style, it could be inherently provocative.  Dances tell a story. When dance is done right, you should feel the emotions of that story. They also know that their outfits could lead to wandering eyes as it would with anyone who wore such clothing (male dancers included, females always go crazy when a male takes a shirt off during his routine).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dance is interpretive. Therefore, everyone's experience will be subjective to their own feelings and how they interpret that dance. Just sit back and enjoy the show. As Dan said, see how others are acting around you. If one comes up to the edge and looks at you smile back! That let's them know you are enjoying their efforts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you look at their legs or hips, they may not assume right away you are a sexual creeper. Lots of dances involve movement of the hips, movement of the legs. If something moves, my eyes automatically go to it instinctively as I would assume most people's would. Belly dancing is mostly all in the hips. Sure some may not have pure desires when watching, but that is where the action is and that's where the eyes will be drawn to regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So as I said, just enjoy the show and their hard efforts they give to the crowd and don't forget to show your appreciation for their work by smiling should they make eye contact with you :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T20:50:33.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5661" CreationDate="2017-10-20T20:50:34.863" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming we are talking about strangers or someone who I've just met, I would want to take into consideration just what the wardrobe malfunction is, what the surrounding environment is like, and how likely it is that others will notice the problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it is possible to tell the person (in clear words, with no possibility of misunderstanding) about the malfunction without other people overhearing &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; without getting any closer to the person than normal conversational distance, then I would go ahead and give the warning, without worrying (much) about respective genders/acquaintanceship/power dynamics etc. The more matter-of-fact the warning, the better; focusing on the item of clothing that is malfunctioning, rather than anything that the clothing ought to be covering, is also a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you would need to invade the person's personal space in order to give a discreet warning, then I would evaluate based on how uncomfortable that invasion is likely to be and how bad it will be for the person not to be warned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a. If it's something not-too-embarrassing, like a slip is showing or a zipper is down (but nothing is poking out) then go ahead and lean in a bit to give the warning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b. If it's something that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; extremely personal, like an actual private body part is showing, then I would be more sensitive to power and sex differentials, and weight them against the possible consequences of not telling the person.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This recommended &quot;balancing act&quot; is based on my own comfort levels. As a small woman, I'd be uncomfortable if a strange man sidled up to me to whisper in my ear that my skirt was tucked into my underwear or that my breast was hanging out (I've nursed four babies, so that's happened to me in public). I'd much prefer if he found a nearby female to give me the same message, even though that means that two people would notice the malfunction. If I'd be likely to notice or fix the problem on my own without anyone else seeing (say, everyone else was leaving at the end of a party I was hosting), it would be fine to pretend not to notice at all. However, if we were in a room full of only men (other than me) and the warning prevented me from flashing the rest of the room, that momentary discomfort would be an acceptable trade-off for avoiding much greater embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, I'd be very reluctant to get within touching distance of a strange man to let him know that his penis was hanging out, and would only do so as a last resort (i.e. if there was no other man nearby who could do it) to prevent him from exposing himself further. (Of course, if I suspected it was intentional my approach would be very different.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, if it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; necessary to give a warning in a particularly sensitive situation, being very formal and clothing-focused is better: &quot;You probably want to adjust your blouse&quot; is much less cringe-inducing than &quot;I can see your tit.&quot; It's also a good idea to keep body language as stand-offish as possible, within the confines of getting close enough to be heard by the other person but not the whole room: don't touch the other person if you can possibly help it, keep your eyes focused above the other person's neck, step back as soon as you're sure the message was understood, look away if possible while adjustments are made, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastActivityDate="2017-10-20T20:50:34.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5700" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-21T00:29:00.757" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;People, especially when young, tend to assume those they hang out with are not deceitful... and thus believe them until something shocks them into the realization that the &quot;friend&quot; isn't a reliable source of information or judgment.  Thus you believed when your &quot;friend&quot; said that he had stolen something from someone else only to &quot;even things up&quot; after the other person stole from him, that you could generally rely on his sense of what was &quot;fair&quot; and since you weren't a thief... your friend wouldn't steal from YOU.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, on the receiving end of his version of what he considers &quot;fair&quot;-- simply taking something from you, without the least justification for doing so except that he gave you something once and you used the thing he gave you, until he took it back (!)-- you can see that perhaps his sense of &quot;fairness&quot; can NOT be relied upon, but instead functions as an excuse for his theft.  The lesson to learn from this particular part of your story is not to assume that just because you know someone, or because he has benefited you somehow, he is a good or trustworthy person.  Previously it did not occur to you, apparently, that his &quot;stealing back&quot; was a red flag, something that ought to have made you suspicious of his sense of justice. People who impose their unilateral &quot;solutions&quot; on others via deception or force need to be watched VERY carefully and not given the benefit of the doubt.  If the only reason you have for believing that his friend was in fact a thief was his statement justifying his own theft... that isn't enough of a reason, and you really can't afford to ignore whether your friends are bad people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many others have given you excellent advice on how to reduce your feelings of powerlessness and alleviate the actual situation. To which I would only add that you need to think it through carefully and remember what you learn. If you treat  someone as trustworthy before they have shown themselves actually to BE trustworthy, and you are mistaken, they will wreak much harm on you.  This guy probably set you up deliberately, knowing your naivete would not last and he would benefit by your having accepted help from him that you would be averse to losing, as well as that the appearance of friendship would make it harder for you to realize he is NOT your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just acknowledge the lesson, learn from it, and reduce the harm to yourself and others.  I also guess that now that you realize how abusive he has been to you, while calling it fair, you may re-evaluate past acceptance of similar harms he has done to others-- which you were willing to overlook before because unwilling to contest his claim of &quot;fairness&quot;.  There are people who operate on the basis that they deserve whatever they can get, and you cannot be friends with them unless your version of friendship includes constantly defending yourself, your property, your reputation, etc, against their attempted depredations-- in short a version of friendship that is indistinguishable from enmity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shedding naivete and acquiring maturity is very often painful.  You've had some of that pain already and will have more assessing the full dimensions of your previous blindness.  The only thing you can do, after setting yourself up this way and then falling in the hole of your own digging, is figure out how not to do it again.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7670" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T00:29:00.757" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5532" CreationDate="2017-10-21T01:09:48.287" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Working for her boss, I was to write 6 websites in wix for $150 each. No formal contracts were signed, and it was verbally agreed that after the first website was completed (1 - 2 days), I would be paid $150 and begin the second, then the third etc etc, until all websites were completed.                                                 &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think when it was decided that you would get $150 once the first website is completed but it was never completed due to other reasons. So, I believe you won't get any amount and you should not ask them money for this small work to spoil the relationship just for the petty amount. May be in future they will give you full details and you complete the work and they themselves will pay you the full amount. Perhaps, more assignments ☺. Relationship is more valuable than this amount. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7434" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-10-21T08:17:54.497" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T08:17:54.497" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5703" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5715" CreationDate="2017-10-21T02:32:25.583" Score="12" ViewCount="2370" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am close friends with this girl, and she recently told me that she likes me. She said, would you like to date, and I said I'll get back to you (I know, terrible response).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never thought this would happen, I always saw us as just best friends, but she actually likes me, and here's what I want to say to her, but I'm not sure the best way to put it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't like you in the way you like me, but we are still best friends. Since we are very close, I still would consider dating you, and maybe if it works out, it works out, if it doesn't, then it doesn't. I want to &quot;try it out&quot;, and see how it goes.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like her the way she likes me, but maybe if we actually started dating and spending more time together, then I will. I don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't want her to get the impression that &quot;I'm trying it out&quot;, because obviously that's not something proper to say in my opinion. What would be the best way to put this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2263" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-21T17:17:33.267" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T22:10:53.877" Title="How do I say that I'd be interested in dating, but only to &quot;Try it out&quot;" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5638" CreationDate="2017-10-21T02:42:16.337" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the same reason you cross in a straight line instead of diagnal, you don't drive in the left lane you only pass in the left lane, and you figure out what you want before you get to the drive through window at a fast food joint - it's courteous.  You are considerate of other people's time and it keeps the world moving efficiently.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What happens when there's a line of cars behind you and he does a leisurely stroll? That 5 extra seconds wasted on just you is now 5 wasted seconds for each person in the line and he just ended up wasting a man-minute, made traffic more unsafe (you know why you're stopping, but does that car 10 cars back?), and indicated that he thinks his time is more important than everyone else waiting on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2921" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T02:42:16.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5705" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5703" CreationDate="2017-10-21T03:11:14.783" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Worst thing you can do to a person is give them hope, then rip it away. Aka leading them on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be honest with yourself: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;are you interested in her, or not?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I'm not just talking about a quick roll in the hay, either. Relationships are different from simply being friends with benefits. You confide in the other person, you listen to their problems, support them through their hardships, etc. If you don't genuinely care about the other person, that's not going to happen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you don't have feelings for this person right now, then that's not likely to change. You'll constantly be looking around you, at other girls you'd like to be with, and feel like she's obstacle in your path to pursuing them, at which point the &quot;experiment&quot; ends in tears. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T03:11:14.783" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5703" CreationDate="2017-10-21T03:47:36.863" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Date her, that being said, you can't just say that you're just trying it out, she won't believe you. She'll only believe what she experiences, not what you say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine yourself, you're dating a girl, she says she just trying it out and asks you not to take the relationship too seriously, and after one month, everything seems to be going great, so you think you've won her over, but suddenly, she breaks up with you, and you have no idea what happened. You're bound to be very resentful if that happens to you. The same goes if the reverse happens and you break up with this girl who likes you one month from now, for apparently no reason.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So being explicit about wanting a tentative dating relationship is not really going to work. The next best thing is to be explicit about not wanting an &lt;strong&gt;exclusive&lt;/strong&gt; dating relationship. This will convey the right message to her, that the dating relationship must have some clear boundaries and that she can't take the dating too seriously. Say this even if you're willing to date her exclusively and even if you have no idea if you'll be dating other girls or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't want to date you under those terms, or continue dating you under those terms, that's fine, but it will be her decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep things light initially. No fancy dinners. Don't let her spend too much money on you. Split the bills, or take turns paying. Coffee, tea, picnics, lunches, home-packed lunches and home cooked dinner. Correct her privately afterward if she calls you her boyfriend publicly. But if she does it again, correct her publicly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't go out with her more than two or three times a week, or she will think there is something more. Don't spend the night with her on Valentine's day (even if you're not dating anyone else). Don't let come to your place unannounced, or uninvited. Don't let her leave stuff at your place to mark her territory, clothes, a lost earring, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, you should not to date while going out in a group. The peer pressure and the judgments from your peers will only get in the way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she asks you about other girls, that you might be dating or that you might be interested in dating, or that you previously dated: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her that &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I don't talk about other girls&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say this even if you're not dating anyone else. She doesn't need to know. Repeat this line as many times as necessary. And the same goes for her too, tell her that you're not interested in hearing about any guy she's dating, or interested in dating, or has previously dated (assuming she's sexually responsible). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she becomes too possessive, end the dating relationship. Dating like this is not for everyone. It's not anybody's fault when something like that happens. It's just nature. Just don't continue dating her when you see those red flags, or her possessiveness will only get worst. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yes, like AndreiROM says, there are tears, I've cried before when those types of relationships ended, but I wouldn't trade those past experiences for the World. And waiting until you have the perfect girl in front of you before dating her is just hogwash. If you don't have experience, you really don't know what you want in a relationship anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-10-22T10:33:01.673" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T10:33:01.673" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5707" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5708" CreationDate="2017-10-21T04:12:56.340" Score="5" ViewCount="3690" Body="&lt;p&gt;People in their mid 40's often tell me &quot;Wow I wish I could do that&quot;. (Happens to me mostly at office)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even during interviews they say stuff like &quot;You guys are so lucky that you get to learn so and so technology, wish we could do that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never really have a good response to give to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know its really specific, but its happens to me so often (not that I am really good at it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once said that &quot;You should try it out you know its pretty easy&quot; - they just pretty much brushed me off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7673" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-21T05:35:50.713" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T14:35:03.747" Title="How to reply to someone when they compliment you (your computer skills) saying I wish I could do that with computers" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-12-26T14:55:58.613" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5707" CreationDate="2017-10-21T05:04:33.670" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a similar reaction when I help people with their computer problems and I get complimented as if I had just performed a magic trick, when in reality I'm usually just doing this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/VusE3.png&quot; alt=&quot;enter image description here&quot;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://xkcd.com/627/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://xkcd.com/627/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like it really isn't magic, most of the time it's not even difficult, it's just a problem solving technique that I've learned over the last few decades. Sometimes when I actually get to do something more interesting and hammer out some code it is a little more complex, but there again it's usually a matter of some googling to see how people usually do this thing and reading the documentation for the related language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That said, if you are being paid to do this, be humble, but let them believe that it's magic.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often times the easiest way to do that is to just say &quot;Thanks&quot; and then take a second or two to explain what you did. If the person really doesn't know anything about the tech you fixed for them, or the code you wrote, your explanation doesn't really mean anything to them, beyond &quot;I worked my magic and now the problem is solved.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realistically they're grateful that their problem is solved and they're happy to pay you for it, they don't really care how the trick is performed most of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not being paid to do it, or not being paid well. Teach them to fish, rather than giving them a fish. As in, don't take the wheel. Stand behind them, so you can see the screen, and walk them through the steps to solve their own problem. Point to the button that they might need to click rather than doing it for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful with this though, being free tech support puts someone out of work, perhaps even yourself if they actually have an interest and learn quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also... Please don't write code for free. If you have to invest any significant time or effort to solve their problem, and it isn't something you would do for fun, you deserve to be compensated for your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-21T05:24:19.200" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T05:24:19.200" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5709" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5707" CreationDate="2017-10-21T07:06:31.980" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've gotten this before.  When this comes up, I usually say something along the lines of &quot;It's something one can learn, given training and really wanting to do it.  What's &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; hard is ... [something I don't know how to do ;D ]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea here is to acknowledge the compliment -- for that's what it is -- without underselling your profession.  I add in the last part as a reminder that we all have our specialties, and other peoples' are as exotic and impenetrable to me as mine may be to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it's true.  I read a &quot;how to be a better salesman&quot; book just to see how the other half lives, and let me tell you ... if there was ever a job I'm not suited for!  My sales pitches would go like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;&quot;... and that's why our product is good.  You want some?&quot;&#xA;&#xA;&quot;Nah.&quot;&#xA;&#xA;&quot;Okay.  Call me if you change your mind.&quot;&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T07:06:31.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5710" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-21T09:02:36.573" Score="3" ViewCount="2452" Body="&lt;p&gt;My problem is, cannot wrap my head around this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Through the internet I got to know a woman also living in my town, actually just 10 min per foot away. We wrote a few days and met a few times. The first time it was just standing and talking for 2 hours and then me getting her back home at 2am. The next day she got me out of bed at 10pm to go visit her, and we spent part of the night together and I left at 3am. We laughed and talked and had fun and during this I made my first attempts on touching her, and she let me, which I deemed as a good sign but left it at that because I were to meet at a concert and go out afterwards in two days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During all this time we wrote almost the whole day with each other. And yesterday evening/night was the concert. We were in a group of 5 people, had tons of fun and with time and alcohol, I started touching her more, she did the same thing, and after the concert at a friend's home, we started making out, for the whole time we were there, so not just for a couple of minutes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But sadly (might have had too much beer) I really got a stomachache and left to the bathroom because I thought I needed to puke, but actually fell asleep for like 10-15 min or so until she came in because she was worried about me, and encouraged me to puke so I would feel better and really refused to leave as she had no problem with this sort of thing, bound my hair back (have long hair, was a metal concert) and was really caring. Sometimes I stood up when I thought I felt a bit better, and we kissed and made out again an hugged and stuff. I didn't puke but I really really did not get better after some time and because I only had to walk 3 minutes home I left and went to bed. At the door she hugged me for like 5 min straight until I said I need to go out to the air because I'm getting really sick again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She wrote me if I came home safely but I didn't see that and wrote with her today morning again. It was totally normal writing, to the sorts of yesterday was fun and so on and on, but what my problem now is..... Where do we stand? When I meet her the next time, which will clearly be in max 1-2 days if not today again going for meal with a few guys, where do we stand? Is it at a place where we could (just for sorting into categories) make out again when we were alone, or is it back at this light touchy thing, because when we made out we were drunk/she not that drunk actually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PS:&lt;/strong&gt; We both would be interested in relationship, but it does not need to be, at least from my part as I just don't want something complicated again. But if it fits and thats okey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PPS:&lt;/strong&gt; And I really hope this belongs to IPS as I have no idea where else to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; My question is on what bias people typically stand after a drunk night out with making out when they are sober again.&#xA;But everything played out well. Thanks for the answers and comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="7301" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T06:15:36.393" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T06:15:36.393" Title="Where to stand after night out with &quot;crush&quot;" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-10-21T15:18:21.320" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5711" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5748" CreationDate="2017-10-21T09:29:48.527" Score="59" ViewCount="26648" Body="&lt;p&gt;My children would like to make a &quot;get well soon&quot; card for a family member. However, this person is terminally ill. What's an alternative message that conveys a similar sentiment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7683" LastEditorUserId="7683" LastEditDate="2017-10-21T09:46:50.160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T09:41:27.260" Title="Alternative to &quot;Get well soon&quot; card for terminally ill?" Tags="&lt;illness&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5712" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5711" CreationDate="2017-10-21T09:40:03.770" Score="82" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a cancer survivor, who was looking death in the face, I can tell you that the most valuable thing for me was friendship.  Ask your children to make a card expressing what a great friend and companion this family member is and how great it is to have them in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7610" LastEditorUserId="7610" LastEditDate="2017-10-22T22:32:49.220" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T22:32:49.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5710" CreationDate="2017-10-21T10:18:37.817" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she was not drunk then she is OK with making out sober.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go with the flow.  Visit with light touching.  If the moment strikes then kiss and see what follows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T10:18:37.817" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5703" CreationDate="2017-10-21T12:28:52.847" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are genuinely interesting in pursuing this, not out of pity, then just be honest and open about it. That means you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; need to tell her that you're 'trying it out,' if not in so many words:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hadn't thought about us romantically before. But we get on so well together, and I really like you as a friend. I'd like to see where it goes if we start dating. Would that be OK with you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, I'm all against entering relationships with half-hearted feelings, but that's just me. At this point she might pull back and decline. &quot;If you don't feel the same way then I don't want you to force yourself,&quot; would be the reasoning. She might be a little upset, but that's also the case if you outright reject her. On the other hand, she might be happy that you're giving her a chance! Ask her directly where she stands and decide together from there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really have to be mindful of her feelings though. If she's a very confident person, she may be happy with the chance to change your mind. &lt;strong&gt;But you're effectively putting her in a position of weakness.&lt;/strong&gt; That is bound to make her feel anxious. She may be constantly wondering when your feelings are going to change (if ever), what she can do to 'prove' herself, why she isn't good enough, etc. Meanwhile, what are &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; going to do to make her feel self-assured and hold up your end of the relationship while you're still figuring things out? You take on a certain amount of responsibility when you start dating someone, so be sure that you're up for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do believe that different people develop feelings at different stages. Attraction can be aesthetic, romantic, sexual, emotional, or intellectual; in dating, all can be involved, or only some, and they definitely don't come in the same order for everyone. If you genuinely think that your feelings might change, and you're willing to deal with the consequences if they don't, then just be honest and open, and mindful of her feelings as well. Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2244" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T12:28:52.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5716" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5720" CreationDate="2017-10-21T13:30:38.213" Score="76" ViewCount="16349" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandmother is over 90 years old, and lives in a retirement home. She can't do anything alone anymore, almost not even move, and basically she is in bed all day, almost only sleeping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are days where she can answer yes/no question with her head, but some days she doesn't do even that. My strategy so far has been greeting her, asking her if she is well (in part to test if she answers or not), asking her if she knows who I am, and telling her I am her granddaughter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my mother is with me we talk to each other, or on some days I just explain some stuff to my grandmother. But today I didn't know what to say, or if it was ok I caress her on her head. I want to be good company for her, but I just feel lost without any feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are good strategies to be with her? If I don't have words, does it bring something if I just stay silently with her? Is there something else I can do to be good company to my grandmother?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT to update: End of last year my grandmother passed away. Your advice helped me to talk to her and be as a good company as possible while she still lived. For this I am really grateful to your kind words and advice, so thank you for helping me helping her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastEditorUserId="3112" LastEditDate="2020-09-29T12:57:26.913" LastActivityDate="2020-09-29T12:57:26.913" Title="My grandmother doesn't talk or communicate any more. How can I be good company to her?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;grandparents&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5711" CreationDate="2017-10-21T13:36:54.040" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe a &quot;thank you&quot; for the joy they've brought to your life, including &quot;best wishes&quot; for making the most of the time they have left, or &quot;blessings&quot; if the recipient follows a religion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of us (human readers) are going to die at some point.  It's just that some of us can see it coming sooner than others.  So you can reflect on the message and its sentiments with some empathy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T13:36:54.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5707" CreationDate="2017-10-21T14:35:03.747" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a compliment. It's just like &quot;I wish my hair was curly like yours&quot; or &quot;I wish I could cook as well as you.&quot; Sometimes people say this when they could do what you're doing, if they chose, and other times they say it when it's clearly not an option for them. In neither case are they genuinely wishing to have or do something. It's just a way of phrasing a compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You respond as you do to all compliments, with a simple &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thankyou.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish, you can add either a minimizer &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;it's not actually as hard as it seems, I learned how to do this in just a few weeks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or a reinforcement of your effort instead of your natural talent/gift/privilege &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's always a joy to see my [hard work / 4 years of training / 20 years of experience] serve its purpose. I'm glad I could help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or a balancer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's easy for me because I know how, and it makes sense to me. I could never [thing they do] though! Guess that makes us a good combination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the more generic &quot;you are so lucky to be able to [modern thing], again start with Thanks, then something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do feel lucky to be working right now with all this cool tech. We're standing on the shoulders of giants, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here you could add that &quot;your generation laid the foundations&quot; or whatever if you thought it wouldn't be seen as utter flattery. I'd be more likely to do this with a family member than in a business situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not under any circumstances&lt;/strong&gt; reverse the compliment into what could be seen as a complaint or criticism about the person. Imagine you lost a lot of weight and an overweight friend or colleague congratulated you, then &quot;wished&quot; they had time to do that. If you reply with &quot;oh, you could make the time if you really wanted to, after all I did&quot; the colleague would (rightly) be offended. It's not that different when you say &quot;You should try it out you know its pretty easy&quot; - some people would actually be hurt by you saying that, and the rest would be puzzled that you had misunderstood their compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T14:35:03.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5719" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5716" CreationDate="2017-10-21T14:48:38.003" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Definitely you are helping just by being there. Not only are you helping her, you are sending a strong message to the staff that someone cares about your grandmother and is looking out for her. Touching her is a good thing, especially if you did when she was more active. You can tell her about your day, and about your plans. What are you going to do tonight? What happened yesterday that was funny or sweet? What's going on with some people she might remember or want to hear about? Even what's going on in the news and how does it make you feel? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to offer her other ways of communicating. For example you can put Yes and No on a card and put it near her hand so she can move her hand towards one or the other, or even just stare at one or the other. If she can see, this might be easier than moving her whole head. Plus you can put other words on there instead of asking only yes/no questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people put on music from an appropriate era in the person's life (for my father in law, it was from the 30s and 40s) and just sit with them while they listen to it. Some people read a book to the person, which gives you words to say and if it's an interesting book, you may enjoy that. You could do a chapter each time you visit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that awkward feeling of not knowing what to say and not knowing if you're helping. But looking back, I know that consistently visiting, and consistently interacting, did help. Who knows how much more time your grandmother has, but you're making that time more pleasant for her. Good for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T14:48:38.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5716" CreationDate="2017-10-21T14:49:47.490" Score="102" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try to get someone to explain to you her ability to hear (she should have had her hearing tested), her ability to respond, etc. Ask if some of this is depression. Someone should explain this to you. Read about dementia, if that's her diagnosis. What kind does she have?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question specifically; did she have a favorite writer or poet? Did she read a lot? What did she do when she was active?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know your grandmother's diagnosis or her ability to understand things happening around her. But if she loved, say, Emily Dickinson, read her poetry by Emily Dickinson. If she liked Maya Angelou, lucky you! If she loved Dan Brown, you have my sympathies, but read her excerpts of Dan Brown books. If she didn't read, you might read short stories to her. If she was a gardener, bring in a book of gardens and show her the pictures and discuss them. You get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also listen to music together. Her favorites, or from her past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tell her stories involving her and you. Or tell her stories about your day, or about her other relatives. Hold her hand as you talk. Let her know you're there. Don't feel you can't caress her or kiss her on the forehead as you take your leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask the nurses to tell you how she behaved after a visit. If she seemed consistently upset, change the format of the visit. If she was same or seemed more peaceful, great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. Your heart is in a good place. You're doing this for two people: her &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: This is based on experience and what we are &amp;quot;taught&amp;quot; (?) in medicine. At some point, we're not taught anymore except by experts about once a year (CME), but self-taught (reading of journal articles.) If it bears enough fruit, it becomes &amp;quot;standard of care&amp;quot;. This stuff is standard of care in geriatric medicine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2020-08-30T12:41:01.467" LastActivityDate="2020-08-30T12:41:01.467" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5716" CreationDate="2017-10-21T14:59:35.857" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're doing things right. My grandmother was in a similar state, towards the end, when she was still with us. We would visit; tell her about the family, her grandchild, and great-grandchildren. Pretty much we talked to her about the things that she used to ask about when she still had the strength and memory to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when we ran out of things to talk about we would read one of her books to her. She had been a grade school teacher and librarian, so reading and teaching children to read was a huge part of her life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes we would just sit with her, just trying to let her know that she wasn't alone. I can't really say that she knew we were there, but it still felt like the right thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once heard a hospice worker being interviewed on the radio. The one thing that struck me that I've carried with me as a sort of universal truth was this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regardless of a person's religion or culture the two questions they have at the end of it all are &quot;Did I love well and was I well loved?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By being present you're answering those questions for her. You're showing that she was well loved and that she loved well. Keep up the good work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T14:59:35.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5711" CreationDate="2017-10-21T15:02:24.047" Score="71" Body="&lt;p&gt;A &quot;We love you!&quot; card is great. It's honest, direct, and it doesn't rub the terminal condition into the person's face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, be in the moment, because that's where the patient/person should be. Share the sadness (if she's sad), share the pain (if she's in pain.) Don't be afraid to be funny if something funny has happened that you want to share. Be there for her emotionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. It's hard to know what to say to someone who is terminally ill. Just being there to share the experience is valuable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I've taken care of terminal patients. In my first year of residency, I had to spend most of my hours in the hospital, and could visit with my dying patients when I wasn't busy. One patient just wanted me to hold his hand and tell him things we were going to do when he got out (he never did). Another wanted me to lie down on her bed with her and let her express her fears (terribly unprofessional, but I just closed the door and climbed in, we would lie shoulder to shoulder and talk.) I took my cues from my patients. The wife of the hand-holder sent me a beautiful card after his death.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-10-21T15:14:15.517" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T15:14:15.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1480" CreationDate="2017-10-21T15:48:09.090" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;To identify experienced dart players, inform anyone who wants to play that you're in the middle of a game of 301. Ask them if they'd mind keeping score until you finish. You can instantly rule out anyone who doesn't know what you're talking about and anyone who doesn't know how the game is scored. You might be able to make distinctions among those who offer to keep score by noting their competence and speed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7689" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T15:48:09.090" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5703" CreationDate="2017-10-21T15:56:19.250" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well 'trying it out' is essentially what dating is so I say go for it! I don't think you even should say any of this stuff:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't like you in the way you like me, but we are still best friends. Since we are very close, I still would consider dating you, and maybe if it works out, it works out, if it doesn't, then it doesn't. I want to &quot;try it out&quot;, and see how it goes&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really do want to 'try it out', then just text her back 'Sorry for not responding to you the other day. Lets try this out :)' (emoji is optional). But sound enthusiastic and not like you're doing her a favour or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about ruining your relationship; she's already let you know she's interested in you that way so you can't put it back in the tin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6537" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T15:56:19.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5716" CreationDate="2017-10-21T16:57:12.910" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandmother had dementia for a couple of years before she passed away and it was heartbreaking to watch her mentally decline when she had been so active and lively previously. I commend you for looking to spend time with your grandmother when she can't respond to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my grandmother grew older, but still could communicate, she expressed frustration at not being able to continue her hobbies. She loved to garden, sew, bake, and read her bible. As time went on, she took great delight in doing her hobbies &quot;through&quot; me, where I would sew/bake and she would give me instruction, and later just enjoy watching me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She took great delight in watching me do things that she used to enjoy doing herself. I used these things to remain connected to her even when she couldn't communicate with me and when she wasn't living with us anymore. I'd visit her and take things with me to show her. My latest sewing project, a flower I picked in the garden, some cookies I baked that were her recipe. Even though she couldn't see, she would hold the things close to see them better and feel the texture of the material in her fingers, she'd smile at the bright colors of the flowers or fabric I'd chosen. Since she couldn't speak, or even hear, well I tried to use her other senses too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So even if you can't communicate with her, find out what she liked before. What were her hobbies? What did she do with her time? What was her favourite colour? Speak to your family members and ask them about who she is, and then see if you can take her something related to those things. A bright flower from the garden, a book with big pictures of her favourite hobby. Choose big, bright, happy, tactile objects that she can recognise, that remind her of what she used to do, and talk to her about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I look back with such happy memories with my grandmother and I so commend you on taking the time to spend time with yours even though this relationship can feel very one-sided. I'm very glad I spent time with mine when I had the chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T16:57:12.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5727" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5728" CreationDate="2017-10-21T17:26:10.330" Score="2" ViewCount="4532" Body="&lt;p&gt;Imagine you are in a crowded place and a stranger is blocking your way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it rude to tap them on the shoulder to get their attention?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be different for men than women?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4272" LastEditorUserId="4272" LastEditDate="2017-10-24T20:49:49.960" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T20:49:49.960" Title="Is it polite to get the attention of a stranger by tapping them on the shoulder?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-10-22T02:52:21.767" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5727" CreationDate="2017-10-21T17:44:24.500" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general touching people should be a last resort. Try the usual things like saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Excuse me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you mind if I pass?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, can I get through?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Touching strangers is something that should only be done in cases where a verbal interaction isn't possible, like a crowded concert or club where the music is too loud to be heard without shouting directly into someone's ear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even at concerts, I try to avoid touching people unless I really have to. Often I can just wave and point in the direction I'm trying to go. If I'm approaching from behind sometimes the only option is to gently touch someone's shoulder to get their attention and pass, but like I said it's a last resort, not the first choice. Sometimes it's just easier to wait for the end of the song or set before moving through the crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T17:44:24.500" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5703" CreationDate="2017-10-21T17:54:36.187" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First...As someone said before, &quot;trying out&quot; is the base concept of dating. So basically you are dating her if you are trying out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So short answer you only have to say &quot;Yes&quot; to date her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now onto the underlying problem, it sounds like you are dating her for pity. And you must never do that. You have to be honest with yourself first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many existential questions to face when deciding to date someone, but the most important i think for entering a relationship should be: &quot;Would I be happy if I entered this relationship&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter the outcome (positive or negative) a relationship is about being happy yourself. Sounds egoist but sincerely you can not make another person happy if you are unhappy, no matter how much are you attracted or infatuated  with the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dating is mostly about self discovery and exploration of a new way of being happy with someone else. Dating does not equal marriage or instant happiness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things like i don't love her as much as she/he does, or i love him in a different way are in no way real obstacles to a relationship. Everyone loves/shows affection in a different level and way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T17:54:36.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1775" CreationDate="2017-10-21T19:52:14.110" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This guy has no family and you may be providing him the only help he can count on--good job.  BUT he should say thank you and some day pay you back otherwise he is using you. It doesn't sound like he appreciates what he's had. I'd definitely quit, you have no obligation to him. People are supposed to say thank you and pay people back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7698" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T19:52:14.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5703" CreationDate="2017-10-21T20:36:29.770" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Oh OP, you must be honest with your friend, unless you wish to lose the friendship and create much unhappiness and confusion for both.  Honesty is not an insult, it's more respectful than any complimentary version you could possibly find to make something &quot;sound better.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To figure out just what to say, first ask yourself what exactly bothers you about telling her just what you told us: she's your best friend, you don't already feel romantically towards her but don't know whether you might develop those feelings (or in any case feelings that, whatever their nature, would be satisfactory to her).  If you fear that learning you don't &quot;love&quot; her &quot;that way&quot; (yet?) will hurt her, allowing her to think something untrue will hurt worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would guess that you feel it sounds somehow ungentlemanly to say you want to try because it has some association with the notion that to enter into couplehood is supposed to be a commitment and you don't &quot;try before you buy&quot;.  But you aren't buying her, or &quot;trying&quot; HER, you are willing to try to be her boyfriend; the sense is something like &quot;I would try, for you, because I care for you already, so maybe we would also be happy as a couple, if we tried&quot;.  Whether this is something she will want to pursue, or not, the honesty is what you owe her as well as the way to get happiest results.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she cherishes certain kinds of notions about romantic love, she may be disappointed you don't feel as she wishes you to, and not want to try to be together on any other basis.  This would be sad, but still better than her believe anything that isn't true about your feelings; if those romantic ideas are important to her, the worst thing you could do would be let her think you do, when you don't.  Then again, she may be a more pragmatic sort, who wants to be with you and appreciates that you care enough to try, because she wants to, and it might be great.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything depends on what kind of person she is and how she feels and what she wants-- does she see starting a relationship as a momentous life-changing thing (with wedding dress?) and you as the husband of her dreams?  Or does she value your friendship a whole lot, and think it would be the basis for an awesome partnership with sharing a bed and future and family?  If you don't already know her mind, find out-- ask her to share her mind on the subject, and listen really carefully, and tell her the truth about what you think and feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You won't sound like a romantic hero from a black and white movie, but you won't insult your friend either, or set up any future nightmares in which she thinks you're in a romantic movie only to realize you're humoring her to avoid hurting her feelings.  Loving someone &quot;like that&quot; who doesn't return the feelings can be painful, and there may be no way to avoid some heartache; as her best friend her hurt feelings would normally be something you could help her with, but in this case there might be some hurt you can't help.  Do what you can, and if someone else can help with the part you can't, be glad.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best friends can actually be a splendid basis for a marriage, especially when you think long-term and in practical ways like &quot;If I live long enough to make it to a nursing home... do I want to have this person in the next rocking-chair?&quot; If you can tell her that honestly-- that you want to be part of her life and have her in yours-- then whether you get together or not, stay a couple or not, you should both be okay. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck to you, both individually and together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7670" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T20:36:29.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5727" CreationDate="2017-10-21T21:35:27.353" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before doing so, you should know the proper regional or cultural behavior rules at the place you are. For example, if you do this in Switzerland (where I live), it's ok for men and women if it's very noisy and there's no quick visual or audible way to get attention or to show your intention. This may be different elsewhere, including the consideration of possible gender differentiation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7701" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T21:35:27.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5727" CreationDate="2017-10-21T22:06:37.817" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is very much culturally dependent. You will get many varying responses from the person depending on their background, personal history and attitudes/phobias.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would put an actual touch towards the bottom of the list, as a last resort. Some things you can try first:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Say something &quot;Ahem&quot;, &quot;Excuse me&quot;, &quot;Sir/ma'am&quot; or similar to get their attention.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Touch or tap something in their field of vision - make it a distinctive, but not threatening motion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you absolutely need to touch someone, do not do it from out of their field of vision. Many people react oddly when startled. Step into their sight lines, repeat &quot;Pardon me sir/ma'am&quot; and reach out gently. If they react at all, simply step back and drop your hands. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T22:06:37.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5737" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-21T22:29:32.557" Score="8" ViewCount="1099" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a completely new situation to me, and I really have no idea how to handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was at the local grocery store, waiting in line at the deli. As I usually do, I make small talk with some of the people around that are also waiting. Today there was a gentleman that said he was new to the neighborhood, and we talked about the area and stores, things to do, that sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Got home, and when I got the mail there was a flyer that gets mailed out by police. (In the United States, when people convicted of certain crimes relocate, the new neighborhood gets notified of the person moving in, the crime they were convicted for and their address). In this case, it turned out to be the person I had just been speaking with. He had served 12 years in jail for sexual misconduct with a family member under age 14. He is not near enough that I would probably run into him on the street near my house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that when a person serves their sentence they should be given a chance to start anew (and he apparently was released several years ago), but I given the nature of the crime I really don't want to associate with him at all, and I certainly don't want my children around him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I approach the situation if I meet him again in a public setting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorUserId="5568" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T13:51:25.297" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T13:51:25.297" Title="How to handle second meeting with a sex offender?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;social-cues&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="18" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-10-23T13:24:13.000" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5727" CreationDate="2017-10-21T23:38:44.223" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends on cultural background of the one touched, and it depends on how you touch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my home country for example, it would be okay to touch with an open palm, but a little rude to do it with a finger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are a woman and you touch a Buddhist monk, he will be very disappointed. Same goes with touching an orthodox Muslim woman if you are a man outside her family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, generally don't touch if you're not sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7412" LastActivityDate="2017-10-21T23:38:44.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5740" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5737" CreationDate="2017-10-22T00:36:30.600" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I mentioned in the comments, I've seen a case where this sort of situation turned into a witch hunt. If you see that happening in your community, you may want to discourage it, but not for the sake of the offender. It's worth explaining to people that the registry is a good thing, you want people to be aware and be safe, but starting a witch hunt may cause the offender to flee and go off the radar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not a good thing for your community or anyone really. Right now the police know where he his and keep a pretty close eye on him. If he runs because of community pressure the police can't do their job as efficiently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would assume this guy is very accustomed to not being invited to the neighborhood block party and is probably accustomed to being generally ostracized. I wouldn't go out of my way to make him feel welcome, but I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid him either. As far as I would be concerned, he's a face to remember, but not to bother to acknowledge unless you have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T00:36:30.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5560" CreationDate="2017-10-22T01:05:35.383" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel safe doing it, one option is taking out your phone, launching a streaming app like Periscope, and announcing to the perpetrators that you're streaming. This establishes that there's off-location evidence of what they're doing and their identities, discouraging them from getting violent with you, and that if they continue to provide more video material, it might get used to cut their employment short, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3142" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T01:05:35.383" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-22T01:15:48.260" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A thing that might work well could be writing how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By writing you get the time to think, let him know how you feel, avoid discussions, the risk of getting angry and insulting him while talking, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although it seems that Henry can just be a dick, given some experiences I had, this might be his way of expressing his angry about something with you. He might not know how to tell you he feels you should compensate he taking you to college, that you don't help enough around the house, that you are too close to his girlfriend or whatever. Or it could just be the way Henry is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering your problem, and the factors you mentioned (the car rides plus living with him) I would recommend something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Henry,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to tell you I've been feeling upset about what happened with&#xA;  the grinder. I don't really care about the thing itself, please, keep&#xA;  it, but I feel insulted (or however you felt) by you deciding to take&#xA;  your gift back and taking a part of my new grinder. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are my friend and I'm really grateful of sharing a home with you,&#xA;  and I really appreciate you taking me to college. But your attitude&#xA;  with this other thing made me feel really bad, and I wanted you to&#xA;  know it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If there's something I did for you to act this way please let me know,&#xA;  so we can talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't have to answer to this if you don't want to, and if you are&#xA;  going to tell me to f*** o**, please don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Love, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dough John&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T01:15:48.260" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5737" CreationDate="2017-10-22T01:50:12.427" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;What kind of person do you want to be? If you don't want to interact with him, don't. No one is forcing you to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you want to be a decent human being, I say treat him as you would want to be treated if you were in his shoes. I can say a lot of self-righteous stuff, but the bottom line is that no one over a certain age is innocent, and all - or almost all - human beings deserve to be treated with a degree of compassion and respect. You don't know this man's heart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the Emergency Room, we did all the county's pre-incarceration physicals, which meant everyone who was going to jail had to be seen by one of us first. I used to ask the officer(s) accompanying the person what they were being charged with. Sometimes the answer would anger me greatly, and I would not be very nice to the person whose physical I was doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One evening, I was informed (after asking) that the man whose room I was about to enter had raped a little girl. I hated that man, and I'm sure he knew it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some soul searching, I knew that was not the kind of person or doctor I wanted to be. Afterwards, I never once asked what the offense was. I treated everybody the same, with dignity and respect. Sometimes the prisoners were visibly surprised and appreciative. I didn't ask why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, this is really very opinion based: your opinion about who and what you want to be is paramount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just keep your kids away from the guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T01:50:12.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5727" CreationDate="2017-10-22T02:17:53.920" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Please note that politeness standards vary across generations, locales, and subcultures.  So even in one town if you ask around you'll get different answers.  That said, I'll give you the answer which I was raised with, in a conservative American family...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;One typically does not tap strangers on the shoulder.  There are lots of other ways to gain attention (&quot;Excuse me&quot;, &quot;Ahem&quot; are perennial favorites).  Shoulder-tapping is a last resort.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It is different for men and women.  For some reason, it's less weird or threatening for women to break the &quot;touch barrier&quot;, and being a fella I'd be more reluctant to shoulder-tap a lady than a guy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some people are just plain twitchy, and don't like to be touched.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, per above, I'd recommend not doing this.  In a nod to our fractious cultural scene however, I'll say that &lt;em&gt;intent&lt;/em&gt; counts for a lot.  People are fairly good at divining when someone is trying to be rude vs trying to be polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last word:  &lt;strong&gt;Ahem.  Ahem!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T02:17:53.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-22T08:09:54.403" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if he had told me the day he gave it to me that he was just going to ask for it back later, and try take a part of my new grinder as tax, I wouldn't have taken it - why would I make a deal with little to no benefit to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hmm.  Maybe you should go back and read what else you wrote:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This also saves me a phenomenal amount of money as public transport in my country is extremely expensive and unreliable, especially when living rural. &lt;em&gt;This puts him somewhat in a position of power over me.&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it pretty clear why you would give him a part from your new grinder.  He is saving you a &quot;phenomenal amount of money&quot;--presumably much more than the 45 euros you spent on the grinder.  The deal does benefit you...as part of the larger deal.  However lopsided that particular part of his treatment of you might be, you apparently get more than you give overall.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not to say that he is treating you well or respectfully.  I'm just saying that you have to make a choice.  You can either continue saving a &quot;phenomenal amount of money&quot; or you can get back at him for taking the part.  Do not expect to achieve both.  Decide which is more important to you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to tell him how scummy and selfish I think it was of him to request what I thought was a gift back from me simply because it suited him best, and then stealing a part of my grinder and trying to pass it off as tax for something I had thought was over already. This will almost certainly end with him telling me about how he does so much for me, then him telling me to fuck off. I would then have to deal with an awkward house and pay 60% of my income on travel. Not the best outcome IMO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a lost cause.  You already told him what you think.  He said, &quot;F*** you.&quot;  Saying it again, at greater length, and with more derogatory adjectives and swear words is not going to help your cause.  At best, it will annoy him so that he escalates again.  He took back the grinder.  You complained but bought a new grinder.  Apparently the complaint annoyed him.  So he stole the new grinder part.  Stop feeding the cycle.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note how you got the grinder in the first place.  He had a problem with someone else and stole it purely to hurt the other person.  If you tell him off, you shouldn't just stop commuting together.  You should find a new place.  You cannot trust him with access to things like your wallet after making an open break.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to continue to live there, you need to regard the 45 euros you spent on a new grinder as payment for the money he saves you on commuting.  If you can't get yourself right with that, you should find &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A new commute partner (or a car, but you don't want to do that).  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A new place to live.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone to take over your spot in the current residence.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't let this go, you should start looking for these things immediately.  The first two would be an absolute necessity.  The third can make things easier with the other people in the house.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will probably end up paying for both places for a month.  This is the cost of keeping company with someone like that.  After all, you knew the kind of person he was years ago (when he stole the grinder), but you still let him sucker you into the current arrangement.  And you will need to move out &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; telling him that you're leaving.  Because there is no telling what he might do with access to your stuff and a grudge.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible that the relationship is already past the breaking point.  He may continue to do things.  Most likely he realizes that he controls the situation.  So even if you decide to let this go, keep an eye out for a new commute partner.  This situation could go south very quickly.  He might have more bad behavior in him even without further provocation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only other thing you can do is try to find out if he is mad at you about something else that you can fix.  That's a possibility.  It's the only way that I see the friendship lasting beyond this year.  The only problem is that asking is tricky.  If he responds to weakness by exploiting it, this might just encourage him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps a housemate or common friend could ask him for you.  That might be better.  You might want to wait until he does something else first.  That would minimize the chance that you are just provoking him further by asking, either directly or indirectly.  And it gives an opening to the talk, &quot;What's up with ...?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T08:09:54.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5748" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5711" CreationDate="2017-10-22T08:50:47.553" Score="63" Body="&lt;p&gt;As no one else has suggested it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Thinking of you' - lets them know they are in your thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Hello!' - simply let someone know you're ready to be there for them, when they need you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Pretty picture' - literally something pretty the children have made, as with all of these it shows you and the children have spent some time thinking of the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="387" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T08:50:47.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5750" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5421" CreationDate="2017-10-22T11:49:56.577" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Saying &quot;bless you&quot; is a cultural standard, as is saying &quot;thank you&quot; in response. Making people not apply that standard to you will make you look weird, and it is guaranteed that you'll offend some people in the process, and make quite a few people think less of you, no matter how you go about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot make people stop their cultural habits without offending some people, that's why we only try to do so for things that really matter to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily, it seems you're more worried about your expected response of &quot;thank you&quot;. At this point it's important to say that &quot;thank you&quot; on its own is rarely appropriate when someone &quot;&lt;em&gt;really helped me out in a matter&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. In many English speaking cultures a lone &quot;thank you&quot; or &quot;thanks&quot; is indeed most often used (and sometimes expected) for very minor matters, like someone passing you an item, a cashier handing you your change, the person ahead of you not letting the door slam in your face, or a passersby saying &quot;bless you&quot; when you sneeze.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to say &quot;thank you&quot; after &quot;bless you&quot; you can substitute another well meaning short phrase like &quot;you too&quot; (&quot;gleichfalls&quot; in your case).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2017-10-22T11:56:33.280" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T11:56:33.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5751" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-22T12:51:26.527" Score="2" ViewCount="3194" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes we are angry of or disappointed by someone's behavior. We would feel better if that person would apologize. I know from my own experience that I find it sometimes hard to admit to a mistake, because it makes me feel guilty; even more so, unfortunately, when I wronged someone dear to me. I am sure others have this difficulty, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, this situation has two sides. Here I'm asking from the perspective of the wronged person who desires an apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I, as someone who desires an apology, do or say to make it easier for the other person to apologize?&lt;/strong&gt; Inversely, what phrasing or behavior on my side make it harder for the other to apologize and should thus be avoided? The apology should still be genuine, emphasize with my point of view, and at least honestly consider to change the behavior that has hurt me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;To narrow the scope of the question: I am not particularly interested in a discussion of whether someone who desires an apology is morally &lt;em&gt;responsible&lt;/em&gt; nor not to make it easier for the other person to say they're sorry. Let's just assume that's what I, as the wronged person, want to do, so I can get the apology I desire.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T18:27:01.323" Title="How to make it easier for someone to apologize" Tags="&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-10-23T03:12:22.550" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-22T13:07:27.097" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that might be worth remembering is that more than occasional use of cannabis leads to changed personality traits.  This is partly due to actual brain chemistry changes, but partly also because of interactions with the environment and the way they permanently alter expectations and reactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Henry is toying with you, but that's not likely because of some deep torturer/victim relationship but because he is losing the connection to what your interactions actually mean.  Your resentment is supplementing his own failing memories, and actually your own as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is becoming a more and more toxic relationship, and neither of you actually has his head screwed on tight enough to be in control of its development.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting rid of dope while sticking with Henry is not going to work because it is an inherent part of your common dynamics, so you should rather focus on getting rid of Henry and looking for alternatives to those areas where you depend on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;9 months is a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7728" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T13:07:27.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5751" CreationDate="2017-10-22T13:33:12.337" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I once bought (but in the end chickened out of sending) a card that said on the front &amp;quot;I'd like to be the first to say I'm sorry&amp;quot; - those last two words were really large, so at first glance the front just says I'M SORRY. Inside it says &amp;quot;And I'd like you to be the second.&amp;quot; And there is plenty of room for a note.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I didn't send the card (demanding an apology felt wrong to me) I think it's a reasonable approach. Something has happened between you and this other person, and you can't let go of it, you're the &amp;quot;wronged person&amp;quot; and you really want to hear that apology. So take a good hard look back at the interaction. Did you get super angry right when the person transgressed and react loudly or rudely? Have you been avoiding the person ever since the incident? Note: I am not asking you to consider apologizing for your role in the incident. I presume that if you felt the incident was partly your fault, you would have apologized for that already. I am talking about afterwards, during this period of, well, sulking, or at least reconsidering the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can apologize to the transgressor for how you reacted to the incident. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sorry for yelling at you on Tuesday. When you [whatever] it took me back to some dark times in my past and I was yelling at my old high school bullies [or my ex wife, or my crazy former boss, or my father] more than I was at you. Saying what I had always wanted to say when they did [whatever.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you did was not ok. My reaction to it was also not ok, and I'm here to apologize for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will almost instinctively apologize when they are apologized to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh my, but no, I should apologize to you, I should not have [whatever] and I realized right away that it was wrong...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But even if they just smugly accept your apology and don't apologize themselves, you have started the conversation. You can now carry on to elaborate on why [whatever] wasn't ok. You can also say things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would really help me to know that you agree that [whatever] was the wrong thing to do/say and that you regret it, or will try not to repeat it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking people specifically to apologize could take them back to childhood incidents where they were forced to apologize when they had done nothing wrong, such as to abusive teachers or a bullying older sibling who teased them into hitting. Asking them to say they understand they caused you pain and will try not to do it again is far more useful for you emotionally, even if they never actually say &amp;quot;sorry&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T13:33:12.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5751" CreationDate="2017-10-22T15:03:13.963" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;An apology can consist of multiple components:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Empathy. For instance, if the person made you miss your train because he was late. A good apology would start with acknowledging all the possible negative repercussions that you will personally suffer for having missed your train. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A shared understanding. Maybe the story you have in your head doesn't exactly match the story he has in his head. And that's ok. Sometimes, an apology still works if the person is able to see and admit to the kernel of truth of what you're saying/thinking (again, it doesn't have to be the entire thing). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The promise not to do it again. Most of the time, this is implied. That being said, sometimes it's better if the person apologizing does (1) and (2), but isn't forced to make a promise they can't keep. After all, we're only humans, sometimes we make mistakes, and sometimes things are out of our control. And sometimes, someone acknowledging our feelings and acknowledging their mistake is all that is needed to resolve the tension. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I'll try to answer your question by decomposing it into multiple questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How do I trigger empathy? Or better yet, how do I trigger empathy without coming off as nagging the person? I don't know. I'll have to think about that one. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How do we reach a shared understanding? Have him look for that kernel of truth into what you're saying. But for that, you must also be willing to look for the kernel of truth into what he's saying. And for either of you, I think some of the questions &lt;a href=&quot;http://thework.com/en&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Byron Katie&lt;/a&gt; makes you ask yourself may be helpful (a good portion of her materials can also be found for free on youtube and on filesharing networks). As a bonus, her questions will also help with processing your emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How do we make sure this doesn't happen again? That's actually a tough one. For that one, he needs to learn assertiveness training from books like &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0553263900&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;When I Say No, I Feel Guilty&lt;/a&gt; by Manuel J. Smith (do not rely on the title of the book to judge what it's about, read some of its customer reviews instead). Ideally, you're the one who should learn assertiveness training first. If you can get some of your needs met from him without making him feel guilty, that should improve things (I only suggest that you read the book backward since the transcripts are at the end. That's how I read the book myself and it made a lot more sense to me that way).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-10-22T18:27:01.323" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T18:27:01.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5737" CreationDate="2017-10-22T15:32:37.287" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He had served 12 years in jail for sexual misconduct with a family member under age 14.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First let's not be silly : this is a serious crime and you should prioritize your family's safety, not his feelings.  That 12 years is a long sentence and implies a very serious offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a practical point of view about 45% of all offenders re-offend.  So the naive idea that someone served their time and deserves a second chance is not the full picture.  Giving them a chance does not mean not using your own common sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I approach the situation if I meet him again in a public setting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't sound like a really big issue, to be frank.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see no reason to apply anything but common courtesy.  I'd probably keep some distance - I would not tell this person anything personal at all.  Sport, weather, politics, prices -sure.  Kids, family activity and schools - no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also someone I would discretely tell my children to avoid and to tell me if they're approached by him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, any ostracism is a result of &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; choices, not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would I work with such a person ?  Yes (if no kids were involved, or handling personal data).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would I chat with them ?  Yes.  Mindful of keeping family details to myself.  I certainly wouldn't be showing them pictures of the kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would I socialize with them ?  Not me.  Period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me say that I've been a victim of crime and my experience has left me with a believe in harsher sentences and less worry about the criminal and more about their victims and potential victims.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you're feeling sorry for his isolation, think about his victim(s) : I very much doubt their problems ended the day he left prison : they'll have problems for life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T15:32:37.287" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-22T16:21:36.847" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What do you want to achieve? That's what you have to find out first. At the moment you have cheap transport to and from your university, which is worth a lot of money, and which you don't want to lose. You share a room with your &quot;friend&quot;, so falling out would be very uncomfortable and/or inconvenient. Last, you would want the top of your grinder back, and you would want to teach your friend that this is no way to treat people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say that frankly you can't achieve all of these goals at the some time. You should also consider that your friend is highly unreliable, you already knew he is a thief, you now knew he doesn't care one bit about your feelings. In other words, he is not your friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of viewing him as your friend, view him as your cheap bus ticket and your roommate. The cheap bus ticket is worth a lot more than the grinder. You know what kind of person he is, and that you are a better person, that must be enough there; don't even try to teach him to behave better. So keep him sweet, keep your cheap bus ticket, feel good about being the better person, write off the minor cost of the grinder top. Think about it as a business transaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T16:21:36.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5751" CreationDate="2017-10-22T16:46:51.330" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Forgiveness solves the problem on your end without requiring the other person to do anything. Apologies are meant to rebuild bridges that were damaged by someone's words or actions. Forgiveness does the same thing with or without the involvement of the other party, and more importantly puts your mind at ease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't get me wrong, I know that an actual apology goes a long way to help with forgiveness, but it isn't always possible or necessary. Sometimes the person you were hurt by dies before the apology comes, and sometimes interaction with the person just isn't possible or advisable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forgiveness feels like surrender in a lot of cases where you feel like you've been deeply hurt or wronged by someone. It's harder to let some things go, when it feels like letting go of the grudge lets the other party off the hook. I'd like to suggest that you're only letting go of the pain associated with the situation. You're not telling them that no offense was taken, or that no hurt was experienced, you're telling yourself that, with or without an apology, you don't have to carry that pain around anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also... If the person knows they need to make an apology, having forgiven them in advance makes you way more approachable, so there's that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-22T16:55:52.787" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T16:55:52.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5759" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5761" CreationDate="2017-10-22T17:14:57.353" Score="135" ViewCount="40748" Body="&lt;p&gt;My parents are away from home for little private holidays on a quite regular basis (once every 2/3 months), where they leave me home alone with my 2 brothers for 2-5 days. I'm a 26-year-old female, my brothers are 22 and 16.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I joined IPS, I have seen some questions and answers about 'not enabling bad behavior'. These struck home, as I've basically been doing that every time my parents are away from home, and I'm home alone with one or both of my brothers. I have been enabling their laziness by cleaning up everything their lazy asses leave behind, just to avoid mom's wrath.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When everybody is at home, everybody pitches in to do the chores that need to be done that day. Problem is that my brothers don't show initiative, and have to be reminded of their part of the job by mom and dad. &lt;em&gt;The general rule when mom and dad are away, is that everybody cleans up their own mess, to keep the house in the state it was in before my parents left.&lt;/em&gt; I've reminded them of that several times, but because I had been enabling them before, I think they didn't take me seriously this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my parents have just returned from their weekend off, and my mom exploded at me because apparently, I haven't taken my responsibilities seriously. Even though &lt;em&gt;I warned both my parents and my brothers, that I wouldn't be enabling their laziness anymore, and that I'm done being the little house-maid when my parents are away.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what I did:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not cleaned the kitchen. I used it once, to prep all my meals for the workdays my parents were away so I could take my meals with me to work as I always do due to a long commute. I cleaned it afterward. Although I saw my brothers making it into a bigger mess each day, I didn't clean it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not cleaning their muddy shoe prints in the entrance hall. I used the backdoor the entire time they were away, so the pawprints weren't mine. Thus, they were not my problem. If necessary, I can pretty easily prove they were from them, because we differ a lot in shoe sizes and the pattern matches their soles.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Usually, when my parents are out of town, I shower last. When done, I make sure I dry off the shower cabin glass, the showerhead and faucet, to prevent them from getting stained with limescale. These days, I didn't wait for my brothers to shower first, after all, they are old enough to dry off these things themselves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Didn't empty the trash can when it was full, or throw away any of the trash accumulating on the kitchen counter. Okay, so the trash can may have been a bit petty of me, but trust me when I say that if 3 things in there were mine, I'm exaggerating. Same goes for the kitchen counter, I had already prepped my meals and wasn't home these days, so nothing there was mine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So basically, mom just returned to a kitchen, hallway, and bathroom that are a total mess, and she takes it out on me by saying that I'm the oldest, that I should feel responsible and that the mess, therefore, is my fault. I basically told her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We talked about this before when you returned from previous trips, I told you that I was always the one cleaning when you were out of town. You always told me it couldn't be that bad. So, &lt;em&gt;before you left, I warned you that this time, I wouldn't be cleaning up any messes my brothers made,&lt;/em&gt; if I didn't have a hand in that mess as well. Now you've returned, you can see the chaos and mess they made, and you're still blaming me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her answer was yes, she's blaming me for not taking responsibility. &lt;em&gt;I'm usually great at talking with my mom and getting her to understand me,&lt;/em&gt; but this time, she's being very irrational and &lt;em&gt;nothing I say or any of the tricks I know that she usually responds well to are working.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like my mom to understand that I'm not responsible for the mess she found when she came home. I'd like her to understand that the boys accountable for their actions/mess. I'd like to reach a point where at their next little holiday, the boys clean up their own mess (because mom told them to, I'm not expecting them to show initiative) and we don't have to go through this again. &lt;strong&gt;How do I follow up on setting this boundary and asserting it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Addendum:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For everybody that thinks it strange that a 26-year-old female and 22-year-old male are still living at their parents home:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I moved out when I went to university. After graduation, I couldn't find a job at my education level for a long time and was forced to work retail. That was only a part-time job, I was unable to get a fulltime one due to being 'too educated'. Since then, I've started going back to school and I have been working as a software developer for the last 1,5 years. Except for the last 1,5 years, there has been a few years where living on my own and paying my own rent/mortgage simply wasn't possible. Now that I'm sure I like my new job, I'm currently looking to buy an apartment and move out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my eldest brother, he was living in his own apartment until about 3 months ago, when he landed his dream job: zoo-keeper. He quit his old job and apartment since they were farther away than our parents' house, and was invited to move back by my parents. He did and will be looking for a new apartment once he passed his probationary period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, our parents don't go out for more than a day if there isn't at least one of us home/near that the 16-year-old can contact in case of emergency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-28T12:26:12.820" Title="How can I stop enabling my brothers without my mom exploding?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-22T17:29:40.793" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good argument you didn't seem to bring up was, that your brothers are not just old enough to take care of themselves, but that they will have to live on their own sooner or later (the 22 year old rather sooner than later, I guess).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you are doing all the work, or your mom expects you to do it, they will not learn it. But they have to, e g. when living together with other people (students, maybe a girl-/boyfriend) who won't take it well. And if they are living alone (from the beginning, or after having been thrown out by the others), they need to keep their apartment clean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a vital skill to possess - not just a social one, but also think of hygiene or repair costs etc. - and a good way to learn some discipline. So make clear, that it is in your brothers' own best interest that they also do take care of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a compromise, you could suggest to your mom (and your brothers), that you clearly distribute the work, e. g. one of you is responsible for the kitchen and one for the bathroom or some other way, so that the workload for everyone is roughly the same (as a sign of goodwill, you may take the greater share upon you) - the point is: The responsibilities are clear and you have a much better position at arguing if, for example, the kitchen was a mess but your brothers were resonsible. Maybe even make a list of responsibilities (as a reminder to everyone, but with the additional benefit of leaving a paper trail).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom probably knows that you didn't cause the mess (alone), so she is not holding you accountable for that. She just expects of you to clean up and that's why she is right, that it was your responsibility (from her point of view) - the problem is: It shouldn't be your responsibility (alone).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't try to deflect the guilt and play the blame game. Try to change her point of view - &lt;strong&gt;it's in your brothers' best interest and therefore also in hers.&lt;/strong&gt; Focus on the positive effects it has, if they learn to do it. That way, you can have a constructive discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-22T18:02:57.303" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T18:02:57.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5761" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-22T17:37:38.480" Score="165" Body="&lt;p&gt;You handled your end perfectly, and I mean, &lt;strong&gt;perfectly&lt;/strong&gt;. Kudos on setting and keeping a boundary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I get my mom to understand that I'm not responsible for the mess she found when she came home?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat the story you told here, exactly as you told it. Your mom isn't thinking with logic, she's reacting to your assertion of your rights (it's called independence.) Keep repeating your story, keeping in mind that she may never agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what kind of a relationship you have with your mother, but you can try this (or some variation.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Drop an egg on the floor. Don't clean it up; instead, call your mother down to the kitchen and ask her to clean it up. If she tells you to take a hike or says something about your sanity, tell her, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, this is exactly what you expect me to do with (brother x and brother y)'s messes. Their messes are their responsibility. Yell at them; please don't yell at me about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ask,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I make her hold the boys accountable for their actions/mess... [so] we don't have to go through this again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't make anyone do anything. You can only set your own boundaries. However, here's something you can try: next time your mom &amp;amp; dad go on vacation, tell them you're staying with a friend the entire time. If she yells at you, telling you they aren't old enough to stay by themselves, offer to &lt;em&gt;help&lt;/em&gt; her find a housesitter she can pay to monitor the boys. &lt;em&gt;Help&lt;/em&gt; her by suggesting placing an add in Craigslist, or looking at the classifieds, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she becomes angry with you, there's an issue she needs to work out with you. You are not your brothers' babysitter, and you're not responsible for their messes. Remind her how she treated you the last time she came home to &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; mess. Tell her it's not right, and you won't let her blame you again for someone else's behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worst case scenario, they can't go away on vacation, and your mom blames you again for something that is not your fault. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best case scenario, your mother realizes what a gift she has in a built-in 'monitor', that you're happy to keep them out of trouble, but not happy to be their servant, and accepts your terms (you will not clean up after the boys.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setting boundaries is tough. Hang in there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T17:37:38.480" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-22T17:45:09.167" Score="99" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The boys know how to keep things clean, they do help when parents are at home, but are lazy when the cats are away, and don't listen to Sis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two problems here...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The boys&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mom&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's focus on Mom.  I'd sit her down and ask to go through what she expects of you.  Specifically, ask her straight out:  &quot;If the boys will not clean up, are you expecting that I clean up everything for them?&quot;  Oftentimes, people who are holding a ridiculous position realize it once they have to say it out loud.  You might continue the conversation...  If Mom &lt;strong&gt;does&lt;/strong&gt; expect this, and is willing to say so to your face, follow up:  &quot;I understand your position.  The boys understand it too, and are taking advantage.  Can you help me with this?&quot;  &lt;em&gt;Update:  It really helps, when you have a problem with someone, to&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;enlist&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;that someone in the solution&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really, I think the principle &quot;Parents want quiet, not justice&quot; applies here, just in terms of wanting a clean house, not equity in splitting the chores.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm hoping that putting it out on the table will encourage your mother to dog out the boys -- they deserve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Failing that, there are two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Train the boys.  Tell them you're setting a timer for 9pm (or some specific time) every day; at that time, we all drop everything, and repair the day's damage.  Get Mom to endorse this approach to the boys before she &amp;amp; Pop leave.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You're a grown woman with, apparently, dainty feet.  &lt;strong&gt;Use&lt;/strong&gt; those feet and stay with friends the next time parents go away.  &lt;strong&gt;Make sure everyone knows that you are going to do this.&lt;/strong&gt;  Come back slightly &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; parents.  Let the boys face the mom-wrath.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="6468" LastEditDate="2017-10-22T19:56:27.527" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T19:56:27.527" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-22T18:34:19.120" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;The one thing you need to understand here is that your mom isn't blaming you for not cleaning up after your brothers.  She is blaming you for not making your brothers clean after themselves.  That's what she does when she is the eldest female in the house, that's what she expects you to do when you are the eldest female in the house, that's what she'll expect any good wife they'll eventually may or may not marry to do when they are the eldest female in the house.  Lack of such performance will make her consider the woman in question deficient in her natural duties of baby-sitting any male in the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely been drilled into her.  It apparently hasn't into you, which is a start.  Unfortunately, this realization did not go far enough to actually drill your brothers to clean up after themselves, and both are more than old enough for that.  And she isn't planning to, either: that's why you are the one getting the heat rather than them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is unlikely to see any significant change.  My recommendation would be to move out.  Temporarily, as one answer suggests, or terminally.  In that case your mother will fall back to blaming herself again for the mess your brothers make when she is away, or alternatively you.  And she'll be cleaning up after them or calling them out on their mess until she manages to marry them off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cleaning up messed-up thinking like that takes generations.  You are on a good path, but it's a lot more work than cleaning up after the mess of a few days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am afraid that while you are at home, the current scenario will need a number of repetitions before something sinks in with your mother.  Is it worth doing so?  I don't know.  You'll get more payback with your own children.  Just don't let your mother sabotage your progress there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7736" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T18:34:19.120" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5765" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-22T21:09:27.783" Score="2" ViewCount="586" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work at a small company where most people are friends with each other. I get along with a few of my co-workers in the office and at work organized parties, but wouldn't call any of them friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had been invited to a couple of parties organized outside of the office when I was a new starter, approximately 3 years ago, but my health declined soon after and so I did not spend very much time socializing with them over the years. My health issues also negatively impacted my social skills so I kept to myself during the bad times, often sitting in silence in the lunch room while others conversed. Occasionally I would try to re-integrate with conversations in the lunch room, lunches out at restaurants (a daily occurrence at this company) and after work drinks when my health was slightly better. Even at the best times during this period, I did not feel completely integrated into the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also lost touch with my friends outside of work because of my very inconsistent health, and for unrelated reasons, I have no desire to get back in touch with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My health issues have been going on for closer to 6 years, and so I feel like I've missed out on a significant portion of my 20s, and that I have catching up to do in terms of forming friendships and having the experiences I've missed out on. I do not feel comfortable sharing this with any one of my co-workers, as I still don't know any of them too well, and frankly it's embarrassing to talk about a problem where the most visible symptom is &quot;inconsistently worse social skills&quot;, as it just sounds like a bad excuse. (For what it's worth, I've recently told upper management about my health, it didn't affect my quality of work, but I do need flexible time off for treatment).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting from the past couple of months, my health has been getting better, in fact the best it's been for a long time, as I am finally getting medical treatment after several misdiagnoses. A few weeks ago, one of the beloved members of the group left the company and I revealed my health issues to him, apologizing for not being sociable as we'd gotten on very well in and out of work for the first few months that I'd joined the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At his leaving drinks, he said to me that he'd be holding a party and he'll be sure to invite me, as he did remember our early interactions fondly, and understood putting my health above everything else. The date of the party is coming up very soon, and I'd expect that invitations have already been given out to many of my co-workers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Does the invitation seem like hollow promise made in the spur of the moment or a genuine one? If it was genuine, would it be too forward to ask the host directly, even though we haven't been in touch since his departure, or should I ask someone at the office about it, even though the people I know best are acquaintances?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I don't want to put anyone in an awkward situation where they only invite me because they feel like they've been put on the spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7743" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-22T21:38:38.173" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T05:50:45.520" Title="How to follow up on a party invitation from an acquaintance given weeks ago?" Tags="&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-22T23:25:27.157" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to all the excellent advice everyone else has given, it may be appropriate to ask your father for help in communicating with your mother.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mean going around your mother - this is a conflict between the two of you, and thus needs to be resolved between the two of you.  But if your father sees your side of the argument he may be able to act as a moderator between you.  The goal would be for him to convince your mother that you have valid points as well and convince her to listen to you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if he doesn't want to be involved directly he may be able to give you advice on how to get your mother to listen to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastActivityDate="2017-10-22T23:25:27.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5435" CreationDate="2017-10-22T23:46:13.303" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could ask them what other interests they also have? I am a little amazed at how so many of the other answers/replies on here are basically saying, in so many words, to act interested in what you are not interested in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That inspires me to share something else I feel is very important and very likely relevant to this. Its bad enough when someone rambles on about something we simply don't care about, but even worse is when often those same people, darn-near every time we talk with them, go on and on, again, about only that same boring topic! Maybe you don't care about politics, or gardening or coin collecting, and maybe you can be polite this time and ask them a little about it to show interest and courtesy, but then what about when they keep harping on just that the next three times you see them?? Ughhh. I feel that One-trick-pony's in conversation are even worse than my not showing interest. By far. People with more than one interest are much less boring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7754" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T04:01:34.360" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T04:01:34.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5765" CreationDate="2017-10-23T02:32:20.183" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm putting myself in the position of the person who invited you.  I would want you to send me an e-mail about the party.  What with leaving my job and starting a new job, some things have slipped my mind.  I genuinely meant my invitation, but didn't make a note of it immediately, and in planning the party I did something like what @Stephan Branczyk postulated.  I am horrified at my lapse.  It is a fairly large party and casual (not a sit-down dinner) and adding one more person to my list (which is incomplete because of my mistake) is no big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say this person is &quot;beloved&quot;.  The above is most likely the way a merely decent person would react, and a beloved person would surely react as I described.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T02:32:20.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5773" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5796" CreationDate="2017-10-23T04:07:02.867" Score="8" ViewCount="3730" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few months ago, I happened to reconnect with one of my friends, and noticed she was thinner than I remember. She had always been a thin girl, but now she looked even more so.  Just yesterday I saw her again this time looking even slimmer to the point I felt concerned. I pressed the point a little and she revealed she now weighs only 86 pounds on her 5'1&quot; or so frame (~155cm and 39kg). I tried to light-heartedly suggest she eat more, but she deflected and told me I should lose weight too (I'm 5'9&quot; 160 lbs – 175 cm and ~73 kg – so a tad chubby but nothing remarkable).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm worried she might have an eating disorder and I want to help, but I don't know how to constructively engage with her. I don't want to appear as overbearing or mansplaining to her and I'm aware ultimately it's none of my business, but I'm concerned she's going to keep losing weight and hurt herself. Any help would be greatly appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: A few clarifications and more information based on comments.  We are both in our late 20's. I met her when she was a research assistant in my city about 2 years ago.  She is an international student, and just started a PhD program about 7 hour drive from where I live. I don't think she has any friends/support system in her new city and has minimal close friends in this country at all. Her family is also still in her home country; I'm unsure of their relationship. Either way I don't know enough about to get in touch with family/friends, and I believe I'm one of her closer friends on this side of the ocean. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She does seem to have at least mild health symptoms of being malnourished. I made a joke about telling time from my receding hairline, and she responded that she was losing her hair too in a much more serious tone.  She stayed in my guest room and when I changed the sheets this morning I did notice she left more than a few strands on the pillows. She complained of being tired quite frequently during her visit. She also has noticeably sunken cheeks, and her ribs were visible through a thin tight fitting shirt she was wearing.  She doesn't look like she's on death's door, but clearly looks underweight from a visual perspective.  The weekend she spent with me she ate what I considered to be a smaller than normal portion (ie for dinner she ate ~6 chicken wings and a handful of berries and yogurt for dessert after having a small salad for lunch) but she didn't seem to be avoiding food or uncomfortable at meal time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5808" LastEditorUserId="11890" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T12:09:05.393" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T12:09:05.393" Title="How to constructively engage a female friend with possible body image problems?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;eating&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5773" CreationDate="2017-10-23T05:31:06.733" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is she grotesquely thin? Women tend to fluctuate in weight. After I broke up with a boyfriend I was super thin. When I got a new boyfriend I packed the pounds back on.If you don't have more information, other than assumptions, say nothing, or  your newly  reacquainted friendship will strained or disappear from your life again. If you have more information such as knowledge of her binging, and purging,teeth may be effected, excessive exercise, or obsessing over every calorie she consumes, this is the time to say something. If she does these types of acts in front of you, this would be the time to say something. Let her know what you are noticing. Do not enable her in anyway. Tell her you do not want to be around her when she engages in this behavior because it is to hard to watch her self destruct. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7768" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T05:31:06.733" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5765" CreationDate="2017-10-23T05:50:45.520" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Contact him directly. He will either say I didn't know how to get a hold of you, or he will say no and give some excuse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to reintegrate with your coworkers. Bring bagels for everyone. try to make one to one connections as well. Invite someone to lunch, or a drink after work. I wouldn't divulge too much medical history at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7768" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T05:50:45.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-23T05:54:29.620" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You handled this well, but you might need more informations. This depends on your usual relations, so I might be way off the line here.&#xA;First, you're 26 year old. Even if you went to college, it is over. It is time for you to find a job and move out. Or at least, that's what one of your arguments should be. What will happen to your brothers once you leave?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, what was your relationship with your mother before? Were you expected to be obedient, quiet, seen and not heard sort of daughter? Was this the first time you're showing any sign of independence? Were you expected to clean up after your brothers before? The answer to that last question is yes, else there would be no conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, here's something to think about. In some cultures, woman is expected to be home-maker, the man is supposed to be breadwinner. As in, woman keeps the house clean, food cooked and kids well behaved, a man works out of the house and brings in the money. In fact, those roles were prevalent 30-60 years ago. Time when your mother was living at the top of her strength, time when your mother was growing up and time when your mother started raising a daughter of her own, with memory of growing up still fresh and grandparents (probably) still alive to help, with their old ways of thinking. We pick up a lot from our parents. Maybe your mother subconsciously thinks she has failed in preparing you for your role in life. Maybe, such a slippery word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean, you were supposed to keep the house clean, you were her right hand, she gave you to hold the fort of her house and home like she did many times before and you abandoned your guard post! &quot;How could you?! How dare you turn to the dark side? I thought you were better than this! And you betrayed me! I can't trust you with anything any more!&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, that's exaggeration. What you should do is, now that she has calmed down, ask your mother what she expected of you and your brothers to get to the bottom why she got angry at you and not your brothers. You need to talk and most importantly, you need to think about your future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6991" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T05:54:29.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5781" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-23T09:37:53.357" Score="3" ViewCount="1329" Body="&lt;h1&gt;My issue&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best way to deal with a verbally aggressive/bully colleague?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Objective background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have started a new job 2 months and two weeks ago as a software developer. It's my second job, I'm 26. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ten days ago, a newcomer came in as a future lead developer, he is at least 32.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are 4 on our team :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob: the oldest developer on the project (here since 9 months), doesn't have good knowledge of what we do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Me: I have far less experience on it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Joe: an old QA, came 1 months ago&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gregory: The newcomer&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And my manager (Alice).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Subjective background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a quite discreet person, I don't make much noise, I don't interact with others more than necessary, I work on my own to find a solution and only ask for help as a last resort. I'm attached to my space (having a clean/empty desk and a need for flow mode/hyperfocus state). I'm more efficiency/technically oriented.&#xA;Despite of that, I work &quot;a lot&quot; (meaning solving 1-2 bugs per day) with Bob and Joe. It also happen to me to make jokes with members of other teams (that's my way to fulfil the social contract), but usually I don't make eye contact and show a poker face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The newcomer is more people-oriented, trying to speak to everyone, making a lot of noise, talking to everyone, taking a lot of space. He is also not very good technically and prone to ask before trying to find a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To sum it up: I'm an introvert (INTJ-T) and he is an extrovert.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be really honest, I don't like this type of men, even when he doesn't talk to me. I feel no offense but I am a little envious of it, sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Actions&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Phase 1: help&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite that, in the beginning, I have spent a large amount of time explaining where the things are (multiple times), how they work (for those I have a good understanding of), setting up the tools we have, debugging some configuration issues.&#xA;In the mean team suggested to my manager that she should propose a bunch of training courses to the team to fulfil the technical gap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Phase 2: taking distance&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the last few days, I have tried to take some distance from the questions he was constantly asking (because it was tiring and it just dropped my productivity).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have started by saying things like: &quot;I don't know&quot;, &quot;Go to see Bob about it&quot;, &quot;I don't feel legitimate to answer you on that&quot;, &quot;I have no time for you now&quot;, &quot;That part is assigned to you&quot;.&#xA;According to the context, it's all true and I have said it in a neutral tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His answers: &quot;Say it anyway&quot;, &quot;I don't care&quot;, &quot;You have to explain me&quot;, &quot;I'm the newcomer, you have to explain me&quot;, &quot;How will I do it if no one explains it to me&quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Phase 3: the clash&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He asked me something yesterday, something very obvious to me, something I think he'll be able to deduce with much less information than he has. I answered mechanically &quot;obviously not&quot; (it was a yes-no question), in a neutral tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He began to be very aggressive and saying: &quot;There is nothing obvious, you have no choice than to help me, etc.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I answered: &quot;It's not my job to undergo that you calm your nerves on me, I deserve to be treated correctly&quot; with a tensed voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Acting while being overwhelmed and letting these feelings leak against your interlocutor isn't an acceptable behavior (in France). It's mostly viewed as a childish behavior/lack of maturity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Phase 5: manager/Alice talk&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I raised the issue during my weekly meeting (just Alice and me), and her reaction was to tell me that we will get to know each other better and I should have been more careful about him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just told her that I'm not here to fulfil his needs and I've quit my job few days later for many reasons including the lack of support from her (my hierarchy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Phase 6: Gregory talk&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I have expected, I had a talk with Gregory few days after the clash.&#xA;There are a lot of people like that who like to have a frontal confrontation, thinking that it solves everything. I do not share this view (I know that this situation would eventually happen with him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He told me that he feels useless and that he frustrated, plus the fact that I was not providing him the help and not even watching him I was saying so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I'm not looking for&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to get rid of a help vampire: I perfectly managed to get rid of his question&#xA;Why is he doing that: I think I had an accurate view of his feeling and of what would happen&#xA;How to earn his respect: I don't care about his respect, I just want to be treated respectfully&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Interesting raised points&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/5792/4531&quot;&gt;He is testing you&lt;/a&gt;.&#xA;Even if it's part of his job (I don't think it's the case), one one hand I just can't pass an &quot;extrovert-test&quot; and on the other hand, I don't see why he would get upset when someone fails at his test.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4531" LastEditorUserId="4531" LastEditDate="2017-10-24T10:14:08.870" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T10:14:08.870" Title="Enforcing to be treated respectfully" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="17" ClosedDate="2017-10-24T11:45:22.210" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-23T10:15:54.253" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I fully agree with many of the points here, with an addendum. You &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; need to sit down and have a chat with your mother. &lt;strong&gt;This will not lead to an immediate change&lt;/strong&gt;, however - she has an idea of how the women of the house should behave and that the young men are not expected to clean up. You may need to work at this over a longer period. Be prepared - you may not change her &quot;ladies of the house must look after the men&quot; attitude, but you may get some movement on how much the brothers do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the most important points here is that you made yourself available this time to &quot;oversee&quot; the two man-children who live with you. Don't make that mistake again anytime soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realised quite early on in my later teenage years that if I was in the house to oversee my younger siblings and something went awry (through no fault of mine) blame would be laid at my door. So I started leaving when I knew stuff was going to go down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My primary memory of this is expecting to have a nice new years eve in on my own with a few beers as my brother had declared that he was going out. After the parents left, some friends of his turned up and started moving delicate items out of the way. Smelling a rat, I left pretty much immediately (grabbing my beers on the way out!) and called around my friends to see where I could go. Came back at 1am after a nice evening to find him morosely mopping the floor, as parents had come home and caught him mid-party at 1230. I made some &quot;Oh Joe invited me round, I had no idea&quot; excuse as to why I hadn't been in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no doubt that had I been there I would have been blamed for the party and mess, despite the fact the partygoers were not &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; guests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I implore you - do the same. &quot;Accidentally&quot; book a holiday. &quot;Coincidentally&quot; have a friend invite you over for a week. Just don't be in the house and let the chickens come home to roost where they should. Also, go away for a longer period when they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; home, as it'll also reveal how much you do without prompting when they are there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two will likely work well in conjunction. Slowly changing your mother's (and potentially father's) perceptions of how much work they expect you to do in comparison with your siblings will be reinforced by how much mess they're having to clean up when you're not around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7785" LastEditorUserId="7785" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T14:50:27.993" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T14:50:27.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-23T10:50:34.340" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't like it when (a) younger sibs are told their older sib is in charge and must be obeyed, and (b) older sibs become answerable for the misdeeds of their younger sibs.  Yet, this is exactly what's happening here (at least the second part).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After reading all this, it seems your mom expects you to &lt;em&gt;manage&lt;/em&gt; your brothers and make them do their share, rather than do everything yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does your mom believe a female is automatically in charge of managing household chores?  Look at it this way: &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; chewed you out, not your father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is moving out a solution?  I don't think so.  There are probably a dozen reasons why you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; living at home, and something like this is not a big enough reason to leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom isn't interested in who's to blame as much as she simply wants to keep the place clean -- at least clean enough on the day she gets back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your brothers have become very skilled at shirking their responsibilities and letting you take the fall for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask your mother if she explicitly wants you to manage your brothers, and if so, ask her how to do that.  (Maybe talk to your father first.)  If you are to be a manager, you need management skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of management is the power to punish.  But if you ground one of your brothers, will he just laugh as he walks out the door?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I had a better answer for you, but the above is a framework that you can start with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T10:50:34.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5786" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5773" CreationDate="2017-10-23T11:02:37.260" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been almost as thin as your friend in the past, though I'm a few inches taller but I didn't have an eating disorder nor was I excessively exercising. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You won't know what is going on unless you spend time enough time with her to actually witness her eating habits&lt;/strong&gt; (and/or exercise habits). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are really concerned about your friend's weight, come up with ways to incorporate eating when you hang out together. You could suggest cooking at your place along with watching a movie, or grabbing pizza or some other food she enjoys while doing something else. &#xA;If she avoids the eating part and you start noticing a pattern then you might want to consider helping her open up about what is going on without pressuring her. So far, this could be just you speculating.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional thoughts after your update:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is a phD student and she's an international student. Being or looking underweight could be related to stress due to studying, being away from home and/or being on a budget so she might be trying to limit her portions in addition to trying to stay/be healthy at the same time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does she take any vitamins? She might need some supplements now that she studies a lot. I don't know how stressful her program is but perhaps you could try to find out. Also, if she has insurance it might be a good idea to check her thyroid, iron. Such deficiencies could result in hair loss (stress too). Just try to be supportive and if you feel comfortable asking, try to find things out carefully. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T18:00:20.423" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T18:00:20.423" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5787" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5773" CreationDate="2017-10-23T11:05:14.327" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Eating disorders are very serious business and should be treated soon or the damage to both body and mind can be devastating. Having said that, it seems that your friend is in denial and it will be really hard to make her see that she's damaging herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing you can do for starters if you really wanna help her, is educate yourself. Understand what this disease is and what she's going through. I would suggest researching online, talking to a psychologist that specializes in eating disorders or contact a helpline (USA: 1-800-931-2237).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Helping someone with an eating disorder can be delicate, here are a few things to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Timing is everything.&lt;/strong&gt; Try to do this somewhere privately without distractions. Avoid public places and make sure she's is in a good state of mind.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Explain your concerns&lt;/strong&gt;. It's really important to make sure you don't come off like you're lecturing or criticizing her. Tell her specific situations that you have noticed and why they worry you. Make sure to tell her you care for her and you'd like to help.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Denial&lt;/strong&gt; As you have already observed, there's a good chance that she will become angry or defensive. If that happens, make sure you remain calm, focused and respectful. Don't take it personally.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be supportive&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't give up on her after your first try. You need to make sure that you keep the lines of communications open. Show her that you only say these things out of love and that you care for her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few things to avoid:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoid ultimatums&lt;/strong&gt;. She must decide on her own to seek treatment. Threatening her only adds pressure which leads to her being even more secretive and sink deeper into denial.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoid appearance/weight related discussions&lt;/strong&gt;. People with these kind of disorders naturally care about their appearance. Assuring her she's not fat can some times have the opposite effects than the one intended. It's better to talk about emotions: Why are you afraid of being fat? What do you gain by being thin?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoid shaming and blaming&lt;/strong&gt;. Avoid accusatory &quot;you&quot; statements. (e.g. You need to eat more! or You're damaging your body for no reason). Instead make it about yourself, &quot;I find it hard watching you waste away&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you establish that she's indeed suffering from an eating disorder, I would suggest you reach out to her family and friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="6561" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T11:36:34.683" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T11:36:34.683" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5781" CreationDate="2017-10-23T11:39:15.887" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you take a step back and imagine this from your new start's perspective:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He doesn't know the environment&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's not up to speed with the technology&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You won't answer questions to help him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is trying to learn from others&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And what he gets is you telling him to leave you alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't see a threat to you - I see what looks like you being very unwelcoming to someone who already will be stressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respect is not to be enforced - you earn respect by your actions. If you want it, you should act in a way that supports new team members, and helps them integrate and learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T11:39:15.887" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-23T13:22:19.033" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Could you arrange to be out of the house for some or all of the time when your parents are away?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'd need your mom to agree to this before doing it though. When you all get home and the place is a mess, you can't be held accountable, and can say something along the lines of &quot;I told you so&quot;, but maybe phrased more like &quot;this is the kind of thing I have to deal with when I'm here - I'm pretty sure they can clear up their own mess, but they prefer to leave it to me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you may find that this 'backfires' and your brothers make the place spotless 10 minutes before your parents get home. However, in that case, you can say &quot;oh wow - they really can clean up after themselves, and they don't need me to nag them to do it. Well, roll-on next time you're away, as I should have a much easier time of it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[in response to comment] This approach essentially forces one of two outcomes, either of which are beneficial to you. There's no outcome which doesn't help you, so there's no danger of coming home and having your mom say &quot;I don't know what you were fussing about, your brothers are angels!&quot; (or whatever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it only 'presents' once and so requires mom to be aware of it (or else she may just think it's a 'one off' and not consider it carefully enough). Also, by pre-warning mom, you're highlighting that you perceive a problem that you're struggling to solve directly and that you need her help with it. All of that further reinforces the importance of whatever happens when you all get home after your parents have been away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4960" LastEditorUserId="4960" LastEditDate="2018-11-28T12:26:12.820" LastActivityDate="2018-11-28T12:26:12.820" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5773" CreationDate="2017-10-23T14:09:39.667" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is hard for me to say.  I had a health issue going on that apparently was hard for doctors to diagnose as it took a rather long time.  In the meantime, every one else's focus on my weight felt awful.  It caused me to want to avoid social interactions as much as I could, and just stay home.  I wasn't skinny on purpose, I didn't like it either, I was scared about my own health, and being constantly reminded of it every time I went places just made it unappealing to go.  I even had doctors try to suggest it was an eating disorder and not believe my food journal I was keeping.  It was truly scary (I thought I'd die before I was sorted out because it appeared no one wanted to think it &lt;em&gt;wasn't&lt;/em&gt; some secret eating disorder).  I have talked to enough others with similar stories to know that assuming thin young women always are think on purpose is a damaging thought process.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; recommend suggesting to someone they eat more.  I had people say that to me often.  It was so highly insulting.  I ate a lot, all the time.  That wasn't my issue and it came off as if they thought this was a &quot;simple&quot; fix.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T14:09:39.667" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5781" CreationDate="2017-10-23T14:26:41.783" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Aside from the excellent points that @rory made, there is something else in your post that you should look at:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ten days ago, a newcomer came in as a future lead developer, he is at least 32.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are 4 on our team and the older newcomer doesn't have good knowledge of what we do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure what the age has to do with anything, but this person was hired &lt;em&gt;as a future lead developer&lt;/em&gt;. This means that unless he completely snowed the hiring panel, he has talent and experience that make them think he can lead the team. One of the things that he is (or at least should) be doing is evaluating the people on the team for their skills, strengths and weaknesses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By refusing to help him, you are demonstrating that you are willing to put your own comfort over helping a team member. I realize that as a true introvert, it is incredibly difficult to do, but if you want to be a productive &lt;em&gt;team member&lt;/em&gt;, rather than just a skilled programmer, you will have to make some effort to communicate not only your technical knowledge, but your own comfort levels as well. Something you can also do is say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I have some work of my own I really need to finish, but here is a resource that can help you. Once I get past this problem, I will check in with you and see if you need some help with it.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, as a true introvert, this is probably going to be difficult. It is necessary to be able to say things like this and then follow up if you want to have a successful career on a team of programmers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Here is my argumentum ad verecundiam, appeal to authority): I spent 12 years moving from junior to lead developer at a company, and then 6 years as a manager of the programming division. I know what it takes to have a successful team programming environment, and we had a couple of developers along the way that were in the same situation as you. The ones that can adapt and break out of that shell enough to relate to others last in the environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it's possible that he did not realize how much turmoil he was causing. If that is the case, you again really need to be able to break out of your shell enough to talk with him and let him know how much it is troubling you. A good leader will listen to you, and take that into account. It will be difficult, but it will also save you a lot of the same stress in the future. If need be, request that you have a colleague that you are comfortable with in the room as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all of this is not possible for you, then you really may need to find a job (Contract or work from home type situation), where you don't have to deal with colleagues directly. Be aware, though, that even those kinds of jobs you will need to deal with people that expect you to deliver on their terms and their deadline, and be able to communicate effectively with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T14:26:41.783" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5781" CreationDate="2017-10-23T14:35:20.877" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been on both sides of this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The Clueless New Hire&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the new hire, I've felt overwhelmed by using a new technology stack, which perhaps caused me to ask for more help than I should have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The senior developer was a great teacher, and had seemingly infinite patience. He always shared the latest things he'd learned, and I consider him a mentor to this day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other guy I had to work with I soon learned to avoid, as he would give half baked, utterly useless answers, often prefaced with a few crude comments as to my skill level (low, according to him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes you're in a situation where you could spend an hour or two digging through the code to figure something out, or you could have a more knowledgeable person explain the project to you in 15 minutes to give you a &amp;quot;head start&amp;quot;. Tracing out all the logic yourself is not a bad approach as the knowledge really sticks, however sometimes time is of the essence, and it helps if the more knowledgeable person understands this and actually answers helpfully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are people who abuse this, and the situation devolves into them asking for help for every little task that they need to accomplish. You certainly don't want to encourage &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; sort of behavior, however that doesn't mean that you should become completely uncooperative. Instead, try to guide him without simply feeding him answers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We use that technique in project ABC. Check out the XYZ module, you'll see an example there. The comments should also be useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if you have any links to documentation on the issue, simply send him those. If he gets a little entitled about the amount of help you &amp;quot;owe&amp;quot; him, speak to your manager:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi boss, I wanted to speak to you for a second. Joe's been asking for my help regarding task X, Y, and Z lately. I've tried to help him as much as I can, however I'm in a situation right now where providing him with more help will impact my own delivery times. Would you like me to put more time into helping him, or focus on my own work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boss decides that you should focus on your own deliverables, politely tell Joe that you can't help him at the moment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen, Joe, I'm afraid that I really don't have time to help you right now. I need to get task ABC done, and I'm barely going to make it as is. If you can't figure X out, try mapping out the logic on a piece of paper, and Google concepts bla bla bla.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Dealing With a Pretender&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are simply hopeless. One (older) individual I dealt with early in my career was brought on board because he had &amp;quot;a lot of experience&amp;quot;, although not in the technology stack we were using. The assumption was that he would catch up in a couple of months, and become a productive member (even leader) of the team. Sadly, that never came to pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more help we offered, the more help he took. He would blatantly ask for our help before even really looking for the problem, or putting any effort into trying to track down the bug.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; help him out, he would take complete credit for the solution, and downplay our involvement to the manager. Furthermore, he just never learned from any of these experiences, and just kept coming back for more help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all soon learned to shun him, and our answers to him became monosyllabic. With this sort of person you need to simply cut your losses, and minimize your involvement. Never be outright rude, but don't let him manipulate you either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, could you help me with project X? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Sorry, I'm not really that familiar with it, and I'm pretty busy right now. &lt;br/&gt;  &lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm the newcomer, you have to explain this me.  &lt;br/&gt;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Well, I'd like to, but I'd need to sit down and figure it out, and I just don't have enough time. You should speak to the boss, and ask him to set up a training session.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As in the above case, provide the basic sort of support that you'd normally offer a more &amp;quot;self-sufficient&amp;quot; person. However, don't act such that he comes to blame you for withholding information. Answers such as &amp;quot;Go to see Bob about it&amp;quot; (aka I don't want to deal with you), or &amp;quot;I don't feel legitimate to answer you on that&amp;quot; (aka I don't want to deal with you) might be taken poorly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, elaborate, and remove any potential insult from it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty new myself, but Bob knows all about that project, and can probably tell you more than I could.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Or:&lt;/strong&gt; I think I read something about that once, but I really don't remember the details. Try searching it up online, and let me know if you find anything interesting!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also immediately speak to your manager (privately) about this person's attitude and behavior:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey boss, I need to speak to you regarding a sensitive matter. Joe's been asking me for a lot of help lately. I answer to the best of my ability, however he seems to think that I'm holding some information back from him. He gets very frustrated that I can't answer his questions in the manner in which he's expecting, and he's getting a little rude in his attitude toward me. I feel like he's expecting me to solve his task for him, and I'm not sure how to handle this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boss tells you to keep helping him to the best of your ability, make sure to mention that this will doubtlessly impact your own productivity - that usually gets people's attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T14:41:54.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-23T14:37:51.710" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I think it's a mistake to lump &quot;the boys&quot; together, they represent separate situations.&lt;/strong&gt;  One really &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a boy, the other is a man (even if he is not acting like it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 22 year old is an adult.  Sit him down, with your mother, or in separate talks, and explain it is ridiculous, sexist, patronizing, and ultimately not to his own benefit for you to keep cleaning up after him &lt;em&gt;OR even to take responsibility for him cleaning up after himself&lt;/em&gt;. Insist that he bear the responsibility for his own actions in the future.  If your mother or your brother disagree, ask them to share their reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 16 year old is still a child.  Rightly or wrongly, your mother seems to expect --&lt;em&gt;as a condition of your living under their roof&lt;/em&gt; --that you help raise him when they are away.  Therefore, do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; clean up after him, but &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; put pressure on him to clean up after himself.  With that said, this should not be just on you, the 22 year old should share equally in helping you do this.  If they have a good relationship, maybe this can even become mostly the 22 year old's responsibility (especially if you are fulfilling other household duties).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T14:37:51.710" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5795" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5781" CreationDate="2017-10-23T14:42:35.973" Score="3" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Firstly, respect is earned, not enforced&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything that goes beyond simple professional courtesy is something you have to earn. Respect is earned by showing that you're trustworthy, doing what you promise and by treating people well. Expecting people to respect you just because you're their superior/have been there longer/are older/[insert any other reason here] is a recipe for disappointment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Now, on to the problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You state that it's not your job to explain things to them. This isn't entirely true. As someone who's already working there, you have a head start on them because you have gained knowledge about the company, the application, the design, etc. Regardless of junior/medior/senior status, it's generally expected that fellow team members help one another by sharing their knowledge to solve problems together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean that you should always just give the new colleague what they're asking for. In fact, as the saying goes: &quot;Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for the rest of his life&quot;. By telling him how he can obtain the information he's looking for you're also helping him. That doesn't mean he is asking questions he shouldn't be asking: he's new to the domain so he doesn't know where to find domain-specific information and when it comes to the technical side, he may simply not be familiar with the specific implementation so he asks you questions to prevent himself from finding the wrong answer himself, wasting time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, that doesn't mean that your main task is to help this person. In a case like this one, you should communicate with your manager to get a clear picture of the extent to which you're supposed to help this new person. Sometimes the expectation will be that you prioritise helping them above anything else, including completion of your own task. Other times, the responsibility is shared by the team and you're supposed to be just one of the people that answers the new colleague's questions. It's dangerous to make assumptions about this on your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason this clarity is important is because it allows you to set boundaries. If you're the only one who is supposed to help this person, your manager should know that this means you will be less productive as long as you have this responsibility. I your case, because you strongly prefer working in a more solitary style, the impact is extra high. On the other hand, if your whole team is supposed to be helping this person, then you can use answers like &lt;em&gt;&quot;Sorry, I'm working on something at the moment, could you ask someone else? If not, I'll try to get to you when I get to a place where I can stop&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The latter approach only works if you actually do get back to them within a reasonable amount of time. If you're just using it as a line to blow them off for a while, they're going to notice this and will stop accepting this answer because they will feel like you're not respecting their needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T14:42:35.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5773" CreationDate="2017-10-23T14:49:32.793" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do have some experience with &lt;em&gt;Anorexia nervosa&lt;/em&gt; and will try to provide some help, although request caution with everything a stranger on the Internet writes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two main problems you are facing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't know what problem she has.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are &quot;only&quot; an old friend who didn't have contact with her for a very long time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibility 1: &lt;strong&gt;No Eating Disorder&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's her body and her decision, not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibility 2: &lt;strong&gt;Eating Disorder&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is understandable, that you are concerned. Eating Disorders are &lt;strong&gt;potentially lethal&lt;/strong&gt; mental illnesses. In this case, she needs professional help and support from her family and close friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your options are limited here and I would suggest you to be a &lt;strong&gt;good friend&lt;/strong&gt; to her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;support her and be there for her, if she needs you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;be someone she can trust (and who deserves her trust).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;respect her and her wishes, else you will merely alienate her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask her how she is, how she feels etc. to give her a chance to open up and then &lt;strong&gt;be a good listener&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most direct action you could take is to inform her family, in the unlikely case they didn't notice yet (and you don't have too much information either).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with Xander's answer, that you need to get informed first. You may not be aware (judging from your question and especially that &lt;em&gt;light-hearted suggestion&lt;/em&gt;) just how serious her condition may be and how distorted her picture of herself potentially is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You won't be able to cure her, no matter what you say.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting pressure on her or telling her something to the effect that you can't watch her wasting away or the like (e. g. to &quot;friendly&quot; blackmail her into eating more) will drive her into isolation, but not help her. It may help you, as you then no longer have to watch her suffer, but she will only suffer on alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she suffers from that illness, she can't &lt;em&gt;just eat&lt;/em&gt; because someone light-heartedly told her to or threatened to walk away. It's like telling someone who lost his legs to just get up and walk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ostracising is of no help to her and your messages may be misunderstood (e. g. you say that you think it's gross how thin she is or that she binges, but she thinks she was too fat, she may believe that you think she was disgustingly obese (and a liar)). She needs every support from friends, even if it's just a friendly face saying &quot;Hi&quot; and &quot;How are?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eating is a very sensitive issue, so I would suggest you to only bring it up just like you would with someone of regular weight, i. e. a more subtle approach than a direct &quot;Eat more!&quot;. Especially, since you don't know what's wrong with her. But you can give her chances to eat, e. g. like in Tycho's Nose's answer. And if you observe problematic behaviour, you could reach out to her family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T15:05:26.873" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T15:05:26.873" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5798" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5799" CreationDate="2017-10-23T15:10:23.623" Score="6" ViewCount="6117" Body="&lt;p&gt;A rather unfortunate situation has been developing at my workplace, which doesn't directly affect me but I would like to get involved because it looks like people are about to get hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A dispute over a rather important issue (regarding this year's bonuses) has began between a department and upper management. In order to address the issue, said department has chosen a representative to talk with management to resolve said issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately the person that has been chosen has the backbone of a paramecium. She is mediocre at her job, she's shy and doesn't have that good relationships with some people in upper management. Arguably, she is the second best choice from that group, since the best choice has a bit of an anger issue and might make things even harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to get involved since there are a couple of people in that department that I am good friends with and possibly offer my help in the matter. I'm a good negotiator, I am a part of the upper management but in another department and I also am in good terms with this department's management. I believe it would be all around beneficial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking of approaching the current group representative and asking them to step down for the reasons mentioned above. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tactfully approach this person and ask them to step down?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Another option would be to approach this department's staff directly and ask them to drop their current representative but it seems dishonest somehow and I would rather not ask multiple questions in one post.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;: I was actually approached this morning out of the blue and was asked my input on the situation (possibly someone from my work reads IPS). The answers below were very helpful in maneuvering the situation. It seems most of the department has little faith in their representative but they will go with her nevertheless since bringing the head of another department to an internal department discussion might be perceived as a threat to the current department head. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although in reality this is not a corporate office, this is a hospital and the head of a department gunning for another department's head position is impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="6561" LastEditDate="2017-10-24T08:30:36.587" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T08:30:36.587" Title="How to approach someone about stepping down from their position?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5798" CreationDate="2017-10-23T15:22:37.800" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tactfully approach this person and ask them to step down?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'd say don't do that...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming you only heard of the conflict after the department already picked a representative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you go the chosen representative. You don't say she's not up to the job. You offer her your help with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I just learned you're the representative for the department with regards to ... I only learned about the troubles now, but I've got some contacts here and there, and I think I might offer you some help if you feel you need it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;she's shy and doesn't have that good relationships with some people in upper management.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she sees it as a task that will allow her to build those relationships. As for the being shy part, tasks such as the one she's doing now are a good way to build confidence and learn to assert yourself better (trust me, I've been very shy myself, to the point of not daring to go collect a coffee cup my mom served a construction worker coffee in). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she takes you up on your offer of help, give her all the support you can provide. &lt;strong&gt;But make sure you don't take over her responsibilities.&lt;/strong&gt; She needs to learn to do such things herself, and she needs the connections. Having an ice-breaker is nice, having a rock to lean on is perfect. Having someone do everything for you isn't, it won't help you overcome any shyness or create new relationships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she accepts your help, feel free to let the department know (or even better, let her tell the department) that you're helping her, and that's its good to keep you in the loop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she refuses your help, let it go. &lt;strong&gt;Don't go behind her back, don't tell the department you offered her your help.&lt;/strong&gt; Just make sure you're there if she gets in too much trouble and be approachable if she decides to come back on her decision to refuse your help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T15:22:37.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5798" CreationDate="2017-10-23T15:34:00.540" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tactfully approach this person and ask them to step down?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simple: &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt;. Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In order to address the issue, said department has chosen a representative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, don't try anything to jump over her head, and stand in the front line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Offer your help and show your skills and capabilities&lt;/strong&gt; to ensure &lt;em&gt;the group (department)&lt;/em&gt; an efficient clearing over the obstacle and reduce the risks of being overwhelmed by their strategy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the persons within this department think you can be of any help, they'll go back to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend that you list all the things that may be argued, bullet-list each point, and how you can help with each and every one of them. Then, give the list to the group, and ask them if they think it's a good idea, if it can be helpful, &lt;strong&gt;if they want you to step in&lt;/strong&gt;. But &lt;em&gt;taking over her responsibilities&lt;/em&gt; is not only rude, but will mostly be seen as arrogance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not to say going, alone, to the management and offer to take over...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's a department (read: all people together) battle, not an individual fight.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At many workplaces, as I've seen many individuals who tried to take over others' responsibilities in their back, I can tell you it never went the right way...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Last but not least: how would you feel if someone was doing this to you?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T15:38:57.100" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T15:38:57.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5798" CreationDate="2017-10-23T15:35:23.593" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She is mediocre at her job, she's shy and doesn't have that good relationships with some people in upper management&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, don't say any of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should focus on is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Availability:&lt;/strong&gt; Say you have some time on your hands. This can backfire a bit if it comes across that you don't do much in your day-to-day work and that gets back to management.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you bring to the table:&lt;/strong&gt; Ideally something concrete, try to avoid implying that you're just better at negotiating than her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Assistance:&lt;/strong&gt; Offer to assist, don't ask to replace her. She's unlikely to just step down, especially if you ask her, no matter how politely. Asking to replace her implies that she's incompetent - that's not a good message to send.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I hear you're the representative ... . I thought I'd just tell you I'm available to assist if you'd like. I have some negotiating experience and I know management well, so I may be able to provide some valuable insight or contacts or you can just use me as a sounding board.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may lead to her &lt;em&gt;letting you&lt;/em&gt; take the lead eventually, but the more likely scenario is that she'll just ask for some help here and there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to force your way into the position, you may be able to use your contacts or seniority, but that's definitely going to burn bridges.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T15:41:55.120" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T15:41:55.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5798" CreationDate="2017-10-23T15:36:07.070" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In order to address the issue, &lt;strong&gt;said department has chosen a representative to talk with management&lt;/strong&gt; to resolve said issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A department has made a choice. You have no business asking that person to stand down. It's not only &quot;not tactful&quot;, it's egregiously inappropriate to both the person chosen and the department that did the choosing. You are basically saying,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Although this is none of my business, I feel I can handle this better than you can, so step aside (you paramecium), and let a real man (or woman) do the job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are a good negotiator (as you claim), offer your help in a manner that doesn't undermine her confidence &lt;em&gt;in any way&lt;/em&gt;. It's a hard thing to imagine, but here goes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, Amy, I hear your department picked you to represent them in (x dispute.) Congratulations! If you want to practice your presentation, I'm happy to listen. But don't feel you have to take me up on it. I'm just offering to help if I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T15:36:07.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5773" CreationDate="2017-10-23T16:03:23.693" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It would be tricky for strangers on the internet to know exactly what's going on with your friend, so let me offer an alternative scenario, in case it's not an eating disorder per se, but perhaps something more along the lines of just not bothering to eat enough (due to forgetfulness, loneliness, etc.):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm naturally slender myself (decent baseline: 5'9&quot;, ~145lbs, male), and there are times when my weight's dropped a bit and friends have expressed concern as a result. In my case, the reasons were/are likely either absent-mindedness (yes, I forget to eat sometimes), a listless mood, or lack of physical activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would have found really useful is if a friend offered me low-effort invitations to eat food that I &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to gorge myself on, or to go do physical activities where exercise is a side-effect of having fun. What that is would vary from person to person, naturally. As an example, a dinner invitation involving a big bowl of bean dip and chips, or some good Chinese take-out with a bunch of dishes that I want sample, would help with loneliness at the same time as incentivizing me to actually eat a decent amount. Similarly, having someone offer to drive the both of us (or a group) out to a hiking spot where there are some light rock climbing/bouldering opportunities would result in me getting exercise as a side-effect of a fun day out, and I'd also likely want food afterwards due to burning calories. Of course, those are just examples; maybe someone else would like a big thing of mac 'n' cheese (too cheesy) and a swimming trip (not my thing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that your friend ate a small-ish portion, but didn't seem stressed by eating, right? Maybe she's just not that interested in eating large amounts of those foodstuffs, and doesn't have a routine which would make sure her appetite is as large as it should be. If you happen to be good at cooking, you could perhaps ask if there are any foods that she misses and which would be feasible for you to try cooking; or if you're not good at cooking (and if restaurants are affordable enough), you could ask her to introduce you to some food she's fond of at a restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nagging, on the other hand, would not really be helpful; one or two comments to make sure I'm aware of my low weight might be useful (I'm sometimes absent-minded, after all), but beyond that, I'd likely just get annoyed at being nagged. This includes repeated expressions of concern, unless maybe if accompanied by &quot;so let's get some food&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing that is &lt;em&gt;slightly&lt;/em&gt; helpful, but not really an ideal solution, is reminding me to eat - there have been times when I've realized at 4pm that the reason I'm having trouble concentrating is because I got up at 11am, got engrossed in something, and haven't had breakfast yet. So, being asked at 2pm &quot;hey, have you had food yet?&quot; might be useful for me; but better would be if I got onto a schedule/routine where that sort of reminder isn't necessary in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One other thing that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; very helpful for me, but which is pretty personal, is having copious snacks available which fill in whatever nutritional deficit I have (sometimes this includes cookies, if the most-pressing deficit is calories). If your friend is the sort who needs snacks to graze on, there isn't a whole lot I'd expect you to do, other than perhaps make sure that your place has snacks available if she's hanging out there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6009" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T16:03:23.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5804" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5805" CreationDate="2017-10-23T16:05:23.473" Score="41" ViewCount="17670" Body="&lt;p&gt;My initial situation is kinda similar to the one described &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2632/how-to-gently-tell-someone-that-you-just-want-to-be-friends&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;, but includes a troublesome third person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I brought an acquaintance &quot;Bob&quot;, who's also a good friend of my BFF, into my group of friends, with whom I share a hobby. Everybody including me befriended him really quick as he's a very nice person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, a couple of months ago &quot;John&quot;, started making jokes about how we would suit each other perfectly as a couple, that Bob might have a crush on me and sometimes he would even get really crude and pretend we already have a secret relationship going on including bed room speculations, which led to a lot of fun for everybody except me (usually Bob is not even present, if he is, he's just remaining silent). &#xA;On multiple occasions I've made very clear that there's nothing going on, that I like being single (I really am). At one point I even asked, why he (and apparently others, who sometimes join the jokes) think anything could be going on between Bob an me. The answer was just &quot;because you two are single&quot;, followed by childish laughter. I also tried joking and redirecting the topic to something else, or how I'd rather get together with John instead (he has a girlfriend of almost 10 years though, who I know very well). He liked the back joking, but quickly got back to &quot;Bob + me&quot;. At least, when I don't answer at all, he stops after one or two extra remarks, which is what I've been doing recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally, I would just continue to ignore the jokes, since Bob has made no hints that he likes me more than the other girls or would be interested in something serious. I actually think he knows pretty well, that I'm not interested in him. The thing is, the occasional jokes have been going on almost a year by now with slightly higher frequency, and it's getting really annoying. At some point even my BFF (who initially introduced Bob to me, but is not in the group) asked me, if I could maybe imagine dating Bob. Apparently he is looking for a girlfriend. Another girl (who I suspect likes Bob) also asked me, if I'm interested in him because she thinks &quot;we would suit each other so well&quot;. With the girls it was quick and easy to clarify my non-interest, they haven't asking anything else since then. Only John is still continuing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the jokes and hints are slowly making me paranoid, because I start looking for subtle hints (I think Bob is not the type to ask directly), I get more concious of how I talk to him (so I don't accidentally send mixed signals or something) etc. It's making me distance myself from Bob for no apparent reason (none he's at fault for at least) and I feel bad about that, since I consider him my friend, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my question is: How do I tell John to stop with the jokes, while maintaining my friendship to him and Bob? I also don't want to start some drama within the group, cause overall I like hanging out with them. Or should I just continue to ignore everything because &quot;guys are just guys&quot;? (If it's of any relevance the group consists of mainly 30-something men.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Up till now I have been avoiding to say &quot;There will never be something going on because I'm not attracted to Bob&quot; since it's like I'm rejecting him without him even asking. There has to be a better way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't expect things to get this big in such a short time, I even felt a little silly at the beginning. But I thank you guys a million for understanding and giving me some insights as to possible reasons why &quot;John&quot; is behaving like this and furthermore for many possible solutions on how to deal with this. I would mark multiple answers as a solution if I could.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've decided to directly confront him in private next time, to tell him the jokes are not funny and that I want him to stop and then see where this will go as suggested first by @Chris Sunami. &#xA;&quot;John&quot; is actually not that bad of a person as he might look here right now. So I hope he'll understand and stop. Usually we get along really fine, except when he starts aforementioned jokes. If he doesn't, I probably will just ignore him and not meet with the group for awhile (or meet with the other when John's not coming along).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yes, even though most people in the group are 30-something, they're rather childish. I didn't expect that thing would continue for so long. I wouldn't have minded one or two comments.&#xA;Also, I want to stress that this is a private social group (not work) and most of the time I consider them to be my friends (yes, even &quot;John&quot;...). The group is also not rude in general, most of them don't say anything when this happens (can't tell if they are entertained or just don't want to be involved). The worse situation was when three of them &quot;were having fun&quot; (I just left on that day).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About his crude remarks, explicit sexual remarks have been - thankfully - rare so far, even if in two cases they definitely crossed lines. I thought it's a common thing among guys when there's a high number of them, which is why I didn't do/say much at the beginning. When there's more girls than guys, we never &quot;joke&quot; like that (even if it's all girls). (I actually get less harrassed than other guys, but more than other girls - which doesn't make it much better, but well...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7806" LastEditorUserId="17189" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T22:32:18.653" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T13:45:52.100" Title="How to ask a friend to stop joking about a nonexistent relationship between other friend and me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5804" CreationDate="2017-10-23T16:37:43.503" Score="74" Body="&lt;p&gt;Take John aside and tell him, &quot;I know these jokes are really funny &lt;em&gt;to you&lt;/em&gt;, but it's started to make things really awkward between Bob and me.  Can you please cut it out so that it doesn't ruin my friendship with him?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it still doesn't stop, have the same conversation again, but change it like so: &quot;I know these jokes are really funny &lt;em&gt;to you&lt;/em&gt;, but it's started to make things really awkward between you and me.  Can you please cut it out so that it doesn't ruin my friendship with &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;  If he still doesn't stop, he's not a good friend, and you might want to think about limiting your time with him.  As noted in the comments below, there's a place where unwanted jokes cross the line, and anyone who persists in making crude sexual comments after being directly and personally asked to stop is 100% in the wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's why the advice: There's probably three possible reasons the joke is continuing: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It bothers you, and that makes it seem funny to your friends &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;John really hopes you and Bob will get together or &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;John has a (maybe subconscious) crush on you and is displacing it to Bob (or on Bob, and is displacing it to you!). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's the first case, you just have to ask John directly to put friendship over humor (I've had to have been asked to drop a joke before --I did, and the friendship survived).  If it's the second, your first conversation should let him know that the jokes are counterproductive.  If it's the third, the second conversation should take care of it.  If not, time to look for new friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-04T13:45:52.100" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T13:45:52.100" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5804" CreationDate="2017-10-23T17:32:35.100" Score="25" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All the jokes and hints are slowly making me paranoid, because I start looking for subtle hints... I get more conscious of how I talk to him... It's making me distance myself from Bob for no apparent reason (none he's at fault for at least) and I feel bad about that, since I consider him my friend, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The friend who is teasing you either doesn't realize he's making you uncomfortble, or is acting fairly immaturely. You have some options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk to him.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him straight out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An article by Martha Langelan &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.feminist.org/911/harasswhatdo.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;recommends taking these steps&lt;/a&gt; (modified somewhat):  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Name the behavior. Whatever he's just done, say it, and be specific.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hold the person accountable for his actions. Don't make excuses for him; don't pretend it didn't really happen.     &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make honest, direct statements. Speak the truth (no appeasing verbal fluff and padding). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be serious, straightforward, and blunt.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Demand that he stop. He is damaging your friendship with Bob.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stick to your own agenda. Don't respond to the his excuses or diversionary tactics.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His behavior is the issue. Say what you have to say, and repeat it if he persists.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reinforce your statements with strong, self-respecting language: eye contact, head up, shoulders back, a strong, serious stance. Don't smile. Timid, submissive body language will undermine your message.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say &quot;John&quot;, started making jokes and would even get really crude, including bed room speculations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be done publicly or privately. It might go something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: What right do you have to speculate about my sex life? That's private, and it isn't funny to me. You're trying to embarrass me when I have done absolutely nothing to deserve it from anyone, and what has Bob done to deserve this?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  John: Oh relax! I'm just teasing you!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: No, you're being inappropriate and it's immature and embarassing. I do not appreciate it. I'm asking you respectfully to stop right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your options from there depend on how John reacts. You like hanging out with them, so I assume the rest is not an option:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dump them for a better crowd of friends, and take Bob with you&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hard but doable. Depends on how much courage and desire you have to make this end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T17:01:49.437" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T17:01:49.437" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5807" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5716" CreationDate="2017-10-23T19:04:59.870" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandmother has Alzheimers. So questions upset her. She couldn't remember the words to respond. So instead we did statements. I would say &quot;You look lovely today.&quot; That is not a question and not something she needs to answer. I told her what was happening with the family and about my day. If she was lucid and started a conversation good, if not okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3959" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T19:04:59.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5804" CreationDate="2017-10-23T19:05:41.583" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a guy, it totally sounds like John is insecure regarding the possibility of you getting together with Bob and is desperately trying to prevent any kind of kindling flame between the two of you by constantly bringing it up and inserting himself into the situation. He's acting like a jealous boyfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you've said he has a girlfriend and is not having relationship issues and that she's sometimes there when he brings it up but that doesn't really matter. Someone can be in a relationship; happy or otherwise, and still pine for another and get jealous when they see them interested in other people. Now John might not even really be conscious of what he's doing, he might have conceited himself into thinking he's not interested in you and is genuinely trying to help you hook up with John but the way he's going about it says otherwise; in the back of his mind he know's what he's doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it doesn't matter if there's nothing actually there between you and Bob, John is projecting his fears and has convinced himself that there is, or else, he is unsure but scared of the possibility and under the guise of 'joking' or 'teasing' is looking for some evidence, in a kind of masochistic way, by how you respond to confirm his fears. The fact that you've told him to stop and he hasn't is not surprising, remember; he's desperate to find some evidence and afraid to find it at the same time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to start distancing yourself from John, he sounds like a toxic friend. You may not like Bob but what about when it's someone you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; like and John starts trying to 'help you' with your love life again? You could also try and be blunt with him and see how it goes by challenging him next time he starts 'teasing' you again (preferably in front of his girlfriend) and ask 'why do you obsess so much over who I might be interested in?'. This will make him defensive and slightly angry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best thing to do though is to stop speaking to him all together. If he doesn't respond to this and keeps making comments even though you are not responding to him it would be very strange and would amount to bullying/sexual harassment. If you can predict when it's going to happen you should start recording him discretely on multiple occasions with your phone so you can show the evidence to HR. PS: Don't punish or alienate Bob if you want to keep him as a friend &lt;em&gt;that's exactly what John wants to happen.&lt;/em&gt; Maybe just stay friends with Bob and start distancing yourself from the rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6537" LastEditorUserId="6537" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T19:19:43.843" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T19:19:43.843" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5514" CreationDate="2017-10-23T20:42:39.873" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The defining trait of harrassment is that it is one-sidedly pressing an interaction onto somebody who does not want to engage in such an interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would just be picking up where you left off.  Leave an apology for the time you meet her by chance, give it to her, and then leave rather than causing her to leave whatever place you hit upon each other again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And make sure that in the mean time you don't do the same to anybody else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7815" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T20:42:39.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5773" CreationDate="2017-10-23T20:49:51.473" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It could also be that she has no eating disorder, but some other issue than more stress than she can handle, and from what you explain, this is a realistic option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About her hair loss, I also suffered from that when my then-roommate whas becoming more and more agressive, and I felt all the time in danger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do for her is being there when you have time, and just be her friend. Better avoid subjects like her weight or her hair, unless she wants to talk about it. If you have the energy to listen to her problems, you can also explicitly offer her to listen to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case she has some mental illness (eating disorder or something else), do not try to fix her, basically because this is something dangerous to do. This should be done by a professional. Helping her to find one is ok, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T20:49:51.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5571" CreationDate="2017-10-23T21:57:46.013" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first one I want to address is how these questions seem annoying. There is an evident degree of knowledge, concerning the subject, that you may have that many people haven’t applied themselves to, even early in your career specialized education signifies expertise in an area. This divide creates a natural conception of ignorance the informed party inherently imposed on the other.  You should take pride and adapt to the fact that with this specified knowledge you gain insight that most are blind to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Noting that “It’s only a job” is a very vague concept and your answer may vary with the target. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While generally it’s not the best idea to inform your superiors with this, as this may be processed as a lack of commitment, or ambition within this field. The best way of doing so would be to inform them on the reason you’re in that position. Maybe good pay, maybe you thought the field would be more glamorous, maybe you strive for something that occurs further into the field, nonetheless giving them insight may show that this, being a path to your goal, is an integral part of your life and why you are an asset to the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet, while you are young you can express your uncertainty on the subject, as most people question their position and general being, but your answer should be what ever gets you the result you want. I don’t mean this as using improper means for selfish motives, but if the right answer produces a negative outcome, for something personal, I would answer less objectively. Vague answers are have strong implied meaning underlying the dubious shroud, so I would avoid those, but generally this would occur as small-talk. People may not be looking to examine your career, but just establish connections to break the monotony and anxiousness that time pressures with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6908" LastEditorUserId="6908" LastEditDate="2017-10-23T22:27:12.627" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T22:27:12.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5812" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5804" CreationDate="2017-10-23T23:50:31.840" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to confront John and tell him in no uncertain terms to cut it out. Assuming you value your friendship with John at all, I'd recommend doing this in private first. If that doesn't work, call him out on it in front of everyone when it happens as anon's answer suggests. If anything will make him stop, it would probably be that. His behavior is not okay, let alone for a mid-30s adult, who should definitely know better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is one other way his behavior might stop. You mentioned that Bob is looking for a girlfriend and that one of the people who talked to you about Bob is a girl who you suspect might like Bob. If they started dating (or if Bob started dating someone else in general,) that might put an end to John's inappropriate behavior, though, obviously, this is not something that you can personally control. And, also obviously, John should not be sexually harassing you or Bob regardless of the relationship status of either of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="473" LastActivityDate="2017-10-23T23:50:31.840" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5813" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5804" CreationDate="2017-10-24T01:38:57.797" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll admit that I'm one of those guys who spent a lot of time making crude jokes and what not. I did some of my graduate work in a clinical setting and it was 90% female RNs. I'm also the type of guy who dislikes relationships in favor of a &quot;casual lifestyle&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As said before, one of the best things you can do is send him a text or email describing how you feel. I say this because I have received one such email from a female co-worker and we got along fine since. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would NOT suggest yelling at him, getting angry at him, calling him out, etc., the way other people are recommending here. This will only demonstrate immaturity on your part and will only add fuel to the fire (trust me, I'm &quot;that guy&quot; - some of us feed on situations like this - patting ourselves on the back thinking &quot;Haha did you see Stacy last week?&quot;). Your best bet is to demonstrate maturity and not give John &quot;material to work with&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other thing I should mention is that calling out/getting angry at someone like John will not work. Such behaviour would work on someone who's a bit insecure and unsure of their personal identity - however guys that go around making crude jokes like that are oftentimes (not always) rather sure of their identity, don't care for the opinions of others, and in general very suave. Again, not saying this is John.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7819" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T01:38:57.797" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5814" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5804" CreationDate="2017-10-24T02:54:19.020" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of the answers and comments here seem to take the position that this is somehow not sexual harassment. I think it's worthwhile to take a moment to address this directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sexual harassment is bullying or coercion of a sexual nature, or the unwelcome or inappropriate promise of rewards in exchange for sexual favors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_harassment&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_harassment&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't like Wikipedia, how about Google's definition:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;sex·u·al ha·rass·ment&#xA;noun&#xA;harassment (typically of a woman) in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you're old-fashioned how about &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sexual%20harassment&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Merriam Webster's&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Definition of sexual harassment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;:uninvited and unwelcome verbal or physical behavior of a sexual nature especially by a person in authority toward a subordinate (such as an employee or student)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that most people only have experience with the term in work and academic settings, because that's where most of the related laws apply, but sexual harassment is still unacceptable behavior outside of these settings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this situation may feel like light-hearted jokes between friends, and it may have started out that way, but the ongoing nature of it, combined with how uncomfortable it makes the person targeted... Well the line was certainly crossed and has been repeatedly crossed, which makes this bullying. Remember that definition from earlier?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sexual harassment is &lt;strong&gt;bullying&lt;/strong&gt; or coercion &lt;strong&gt;of a sexual nature&lt;/strong&gt;, or the unwelcome or inappropriate promise of rewards in exchange for sexual favors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if the OP doesn't address it, it will likely continue...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how can we address sexual harassment outside of school or the work place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well first, you call it what it is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's sexual harassment, and I'm really sick of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take away their excuse:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you think this is a joke, but it wasn't funny the first time you said it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And remind them that your sex life and relationships aren't theirs to direct or comment on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who I decide to date or sleep with is none of your concern. This has gone way to far for way too long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All too often guys like John do this sort of thing because no one wants to call it what it is. Think about it, if it was really just joking between friends, don't you think he would have moved on to a new topic or found some new material in a year's time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T04:51:03.720" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5804" CreationDate="2017-10-24T04:06:11.887" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry that that has happened to you. The person harassing you is getting you to respond to tangents that are exhausting you and unsolvable because they aren't true. They're counting on you as a socialized being to focus on problem-solving these tangents. Meanwhile, they are being cruel to you. Others around you may wonder what role you want them to play in helping you, if you are still engaging in conversation or smiling.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To stop the attacks, turn and squarely face the attacker. Say &quot;You are attacking me. Stop.&quot; Make sure your face is expressionless; everything should convey your boundary. If the attacker sputters or says anything else, don't be drawn in. Repeat the boundary statement. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At seeing this &quot;Sit/Stay&quot; now your friends will understand you don't want this and will likely defend you. But even if they're still confused, what everyone will know is that you, are not. Be well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7823" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T04:06:11.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5804" CreationDate="2017-10-24T04:21:07.833" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Holding on and acting normal will increase your grudge for John and you will be unable to enjoy your friendship with Bob as well. Straight forward words to John's face may bring out bitter results for your friendship with John. Because It may happen that he is doing it in a funny manner, being unaware of the fact that these talks are hurting you inside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practical Solution:&lt;/strong&gt; I want you to shut down your normal talks and eye contact with John for sometime, because &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After that, he will ask himself to you for&#xA;the reason of your silence. Then you can explain him everything in&#xA;soft words that how do you feel about the jokes.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;And If he doesn't care, then its clear he is not worthy enough to be&#xA;your friend at the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6760" LastEditorUserId="6760" LastEditDate="2017-10-24T05:36:15.967" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T05:36:15.967" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1354" CreationDate="2017-10-24T05:06:44.277" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Turn it into a literal (on the spot) dance.  Groove a bit, bring your arms up, maybe do a half turn.  I don't mean wild gesticulation, just &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/krVXRCcr2M4?t=5&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this sort of thing&lt;/a&gt;, maybe a bit slower.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The intent is to give the impression that whichever way they choose to go, you will no longer be doing the same thing a nanosecond before or after them, so they can proceed confidently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't stop it happening, but fairly effectively kills the awkwardness and prevents the escalation to directing or physical manipulation of the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3387" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T05:06:44.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5514" CreationDate="2017-10-24T06:28:49.927" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm reminded of the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.the-alcoholism-guide.org/alcoholic-anonymous-12-steps.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;12 Steps of AA&lt;/a&gt;, a action plan that provides for some life-changing framing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm thinking of these Steps  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;8) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;9) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7825" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T06:28:49.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5683" CreationDate="2017-10-24T08:46:28.510" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a housemate like yours a few years back. IPS didn't exist back then and I didn't find a diplomatic answer but what I can tell is : any confrontation will not end well. And do not have a bad idea like &quot;let's try to talk about him to other people from college.&quot; That won't work most of the time, it will most likely backfire later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the kind of people who will shout louder than you and will most likely not hesitate to resort to violence if needed. Or at least that's what I guess by reading your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you need is to protect your belongings from that person, before you do anything else. Because as some other stated, trying to confront him, gain independance, move, and so on will most likely trigger him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some tricks to use to that intent :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Never leave anything in the common rooms. If needed, even keep a set of cuttery near you, so that you will not find one day that you have no more forks and knives to eat. Yes some people like to do that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Never leave your computer without doing a small windows+L. That's basic information security, but that is definitely needed there. Rule of thumb, do not leave your computer in the same place Henry is for extended period of time. Even if he does not steal it he could do a lot of harm by plugging unwanted stuff. (&lt;a href=&quot;http://searchsecurity.techtarget.com/definition/evil-maid-attack&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://searchsecurity.techtarget.com/definition/evil-maid-attack&lt;/a&gt;). If you think he could steal it, there are some softwares to track your computer if stolen or lost. Same thing applies to your smartphone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Should you need to leave for some days (vacation, week-ends, school trip) taking a picture of your room before leaving would be a good idea. Just in case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-When exiting your room, placing a chair, or anything bulky in the way behind you with stuff would be a good trap. If when you enter your  room, that bulky item is not placed against the door, then someone entered it. If you are quite paranoid you could even place that item balanced against the door, with a piece of cloth on it, so that it falls whenever someone enters your room. And if you see that very piece of clothing on the floor after entering your room, then you know someone paid you a little unwanted visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Checking from time to time some of your stuff might be a good idea. There are goods that can easily be stolen without you noticing : DVD's, CD's, packaged food like biscuits comes to mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Check regurlarly your mailbox. You wouldn't want that guy to steal your very important letter from that very important person don't you ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Make everything needed to never lose your keys and/or public transport pass. That would put you into an even weaker position vis-à-vis Henry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you good luck dealing with your Henry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2150" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T08:46:28.510" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1354" CreationDate="2017-10-24T09:32:03.263" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Fundamentally, the shuffle occurs because both parties feel they are too busy/important/self-absorbed to let the other person pass. My approach is to stop feeling so damn self-important and just letting the other person pass first by turning aside and letting them pass, with a friendly smile accompanied by an encouraging &quot;go on&quot;. No matter what I'm doing, I've never been so busy that I can't take the few seconds it takes for the other person to pass. Additionally, this approach tends to take either the same amount of time, or less, than the awkward shuffle does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this approach allows both parties to save face. I get to feel gallant and we both get to move on with our business without fuss. Body language and signalling can help avoid the problem but it doesn't stop it occurring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the rare case where the other person also moves out of the way to let me pass by, I'll encourage them to pass me by first. There's a small risk of creating a dance similar to the 'step shuffle' but in my experience, this risk is minimal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T09:32:03.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5716" CreationDate="2017-10-24T09:40:08.503" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would post as a comment but I felt this needed a bit more highlighting, it was prompted by anongoodnurse's suggestion of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also listen to &lt;strong&gt;music&lt;/strong&gt; together. Her favorites, or from her&#xA;past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This reminded me of a video I had seen years earlier:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKDXuCE7LeQ&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Old Man In Nursing Home Reacts To Hearing Music From His Era&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are lots of similar videos in the suggestions also, some of which may just bring a tear (of happiness) to your eye ;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4298" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2020-08-29T16:01:51.520" LastActivityDate="2020-08-29T16:01:51.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5571" CreationDate="2017-10-24T09:41:25.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My response is usually something along the lines of &lt;em&gt;&quot;It's still a job. There are good days and bad days, just like any other job. I like it, but I still wouldn't do it for free. I'm sure it's not that different from your own job in that respect, otherwise why are you still doing it?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tends to hit the right notes in most people. People who are working a job they enjoy will realise that we're exactly the same. I've had a rare occurrence where someone actually responded with &lt;em&gt;&quot;You know what, you're right. I don't enjoy my job at all...I'll have to think on this...&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and eventually did end up changing jobs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T09:41:25.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-24T11:37:33.947" Score="6" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Shift the Blame&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to put the blame where it belongs, which is on your brothers. You are &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; their mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your oldest brother is, at 22, not a child any more. He is an adult and should be able to take care of himself, without you supervising him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your youngest brother is, at 16, still a child, but one that is nearing adulthood. He may still need supervision by his adult siblings. However, you aren't the only adult sibling available — your other brother is one too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you haven't told your mother already, you may want to emphasise that you &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; tell your younger brother to clean up his mess. Remind her that your other brother is an adult and shouldn't need any supervision, but that you reminded him nonetheless. Also tell her that he didn't do his job in supervising your younger brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T11:37:33.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3333" CreationDate="2017-10-24T14:22:45.350" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I mostly agree, but differ in that I think you won't teach him respect by removing your stuff, or securing it. I totally sympathise with you as my stepson is just the same as your brother. I pretty much guarantee you won't change him or make him see reason in anything like the way you do. All you will achieve is un-ruined stuff and that's a prize worth having, and a clear improvement on what you have now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your parents have offered to pay for damage in the past, then they probably know exactly what he is like and will probably &lt;em&gt;privately&lt;/em&gt; agree with your actions. He will undoubtedly compain long and loud to them and they will probably say there is nothing they can do; &quot;your stuff, your rules&quot;. Don't expect him to come around to it, he just won't &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My stepson asked just once to borrow my tools and then started to use and lose them freely; including some I bought as a young adult and looked after carefully all these years. He doesn't give a damn as long as he achieves the goal that is important to him which is why I now hide them or lock them away. He still asks, but I say &quot;no, not after last time. Buy your own like I had to&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="427" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T14:22:45.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5826" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-24T14:43:24.650" Score="49" ViewCount="10107" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I am bringing my significant other (SO) to a party where they do not know anyone, and also, the people in attendance all have something in common and are gathering for a common reason - in this case, everyone at the party attends the same post-secondary school (university) in the same program. How can I make sure my SO is comfortable in this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My SO does want to attend, but is a bit apprehensive as to how the evening will go given that they do not know anyone there besides me and do not share the common connection everyone else in attendance does. I do not want them to feel uncomfortable or out of place but it would still be nice for them to attend with me. Some other people may bring their SO as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gathering is more young people (approximately 20-25 years old), and in Canada.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6825" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T19:39:09.723" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T00:53:15.593" Title="How best to conduct myself if bringing my significant other to a party where they do not know anyone?" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5826" CreationDate="2017-10-24T14:52:41.097" Score="66" Body="&lt;p&gt;1.) &lt;strong&gt;Introduce&lt;/strong&gt; your significant other (SO) to some guests, in particular to those who might share an interest with them. Say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Amie, this is Tony. Tony, meet Amie. We know each other from [our kid's kindergarden]. Amie is really good at [competitive boat programming]. Didn't you tell me you just [won a boat programming contest]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This already introduces three possible conversation topics, and by ending with a question you hand over the floor to your SO. Stick around for a while to keep the conversation afloat, if need be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2.) &lt;strong&gt;Check in&lt;/strong&gt; with your SO regularly. If you notice they are bored or uncomfortable, offer your company, introduce them to someone else, or find a gentle way to leave the party (together or just for your SO).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3.) You may also want to &lt;strong&gt;arrange beforehand ways to leave&lt;/strong&gt; the party, so as to alleviate the pressure on your SO. This could be a set time after which you will go home, unless your SO likes to stay; or it could be a (secret) &quot;help me, I'm bored/uncomfortable&quot; sign at which you are going to take a time-out together and consider leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-10-24T15:58:44.530" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T15:58:44.530" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5826" CreationDate="2017-10-24T15:33:18.450" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been the spouse in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband and I recently attended the wedding of one of his best friends growing up. I only had ever met the friend and his wife before (at our own wedding) and everyone else was unknown to me. This is maybe a bit more extreme than a regular meeting of friends but it's a starting place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found in that situation was a couple of things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If they don't know anyone, how well your SO is able to react/interact with these people will depend on &lt;em&gt;your SO&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a joiner, really. I wanted to go to be with my husband but I left some of the festivities early when it seemed like things were devolving into walks down memory lane and boozing (I'm not a fan of drunk people). But I did enjoy some of the chatter early on when they were each telling their partners about the stuff they got into together. The more interested your SO is in getting to know these people and what interests you, the more able they will be to integrate to some degree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people love being involved... so if your SO is more extroverted and willing to wade in and get to know people, they will likely have more fun than if they're introverted and tend to stick with you. If there are other SOs there, that will help. They can commiserate about feeling unsure what to do with themselves at the party. Or they can talk about things they actually enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If they don't know anyone, how much the other people want to include your SO will affect their experience.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the wedding's rehearsal dinner I mostly got introduced to old friends and chatted about them, their families, what they were doing now... passive &amp;quot;catching up&amp;quot; sorts of things, as you might expect from people who haven't seen each other for the better part of a decade. But at the wedding, one of my husband's old friends really wanted to talk to &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; and include me and get to know me and that made me feel welcome and wanted and interesting. It was so nice for a change. But I don't know if this personality type is common. I was able to open up and share and laugh and not feel on the outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;So, know your SO and know your cohort.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your first step is to ask your SO this question... find out what they'd like... set a game plan. If your SO is quiet and reserved, they may prefer that you stick with them until they feel comfortable. If they're more likely to be one to be able to fend for themselves, see how they'd like to get introduced and where to go from there. But we can't tell you which of these your SO wants... only they can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a member of your cohort who you think might have something in common with your SO, match them up. I studied film and one of my spouse's friends did voiceover work and photography... we had a common interest to start from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Stay in contact and be respectful if they want to leave.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last thing you want is to force your SO to be somewhere they don't want to be. Check in with them regularly (hourly?) and consider options for leaving either separately or together. If the party is near your home, consider dropping them off at home if they get tired before you're ready to leave and going back yourself... if it's far away, maybe take two vehicles (if you have them) or consider seeing if there's an alternate way home for them. If this is a regular event, maybe you just decide that this first one will be a test and if your SO isn't clicking, you both go home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you sense that they want to head out, don't ignore them and keep chatting for another 30 minutes... find a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T15:33:18.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5716" CreationDate="2017-10-24T17:31:43.737" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hand/wrist massages go down a treat whatever a person's age, or mental state, and can have fantastic positive impact on the rest of the body (never mind the soul!) It also provides extended physical contact, which has health &amp;amp; psychological benefits, and is something the elderly often miss - even if they do not do so consciously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure there are a plethora of resources available online if you want to get some mad massage skills in the chamber before you drop it on her, but it's quite hard to go wrong, and this really is one of those situations where the thought (well, the act, but you get the picture) is the most important thing. Of course, the other thing hand massage has going for it is you can practice on your big bad self - anytime, anywhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck generally - I have personal experience of relatives in similar situations, and regret perhaps not doing everything right, or at least doing everything I could have to help. I think just the fact that you're being proactive probably means you're well on your way :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7854" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T17:31:43.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5831" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-24T14:23:58.633" Score="1" ViewCount="462" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this one friend who constantly speaks in English. I tried to speak to him in his language; sometimes he replies in that language and sometimes in English. I am an intermediate-level speaker in his language and would like to have more practice in using it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get him to speak with me in his language without frustrating him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="Piotr323442" LastEditorUserId="2830" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T08:13:08.300" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T08:13:08.300" Title="How do I get people to speak to me in their native language instead of mine?" Tags="&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-10-25T08:32:51.080" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5832" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5831" CreationDate="2017-10-24T15:20:10.150" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them that you wish to practice German and can you please continue in German.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a later conversation, allow the other person to speak in English if they wish to practice their English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T15:20:10.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5831" CreationDate="2017-10-24T15:32:45.773" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm.  This doesn't seem very ... interview-tag to me.  I imagine this'll be showing up on another forum soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'll be brief.  &lt;strong&gt;Take turns.&lt;/strong&gt;  Make a bargain that at certain times/gatherings you'll speak English, and certain ones you'll speak German.  The other guy is probably in the same boat you are -- he wants to practice English!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also go check out German movies with him; that's a good way to get practice, plus the discussion afterward might veer toward the German.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" OwnerDisplayName="akaioi" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T15:32:45.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-24T18:50:34.303" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the core of the problem is that you're being asked to do a job that you're not being equipped to handle.  I've seen fundamentally similar problems in the business world.  Siblings are like co-workers, and you're the long-time team member that recently got promoted to group manager.  Your brothers require pressure from an authority figure in order to do what they're supposed to do.  Even though you're several years older, siblings don't generally have the type of relationship where one sees the other as an authority figure (you're still &quot;one of them&quot;).  Your brothers are less inclined to listen to you because you lack any real ability to back up any threats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It needs to be made clear that when you're telling them what to do, you're merely a mouthpiece; the command ultimately comes from the boss (your parents), and its to them that they'll ultimately be held accountable.  This is something that both you and your parents will need to communicate, and that your parents will &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to follow through on.  They need to effectively delegate to you whatever power/authority is required for you to act in their stead, and then back you up when you use it.  Otherwise, they're not giving you the tools necessary to do the job they've asked you to do, and I find it difficult to fault &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; for that.  The specifics are obviously going to change based on the particulars of your situation, so this is something you'll need to discuss with your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One small change you could try is instead of a general rule like &quot;everyone cleans up their own messes&quot;, divide the cleaning up into explicit, individual responsibilities.  This person is responsible for the kitchen, this person for the bathroom, etc.  When your parents return, it will be obvious who has done what they're supposed to do and who hasn't (you can't play the old &quot;that's not my mess&quot; game) and each person can be held accountable for their portion of the work.  That keeps the command and accountability directly connected to the parent, and you're merely providing a friendly reminder to help them stay out of trouble.  It may encourage a mad scramble to get everything done at the last possible minute, but at least it gets done (progress photos throughout the week might help here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7857" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T18:50:34.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5835" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5839" CreationDate="2017-10-24T19:32:34.630" Score="5" ViewCount="2029" Body="&lt;p&gt;Someone submitted something to me with their full name as William &quot;James&quot; Smith.  It is required to use their legal name.  I continued to use the name &quot;William&quot; on other documentation but William asked me if I could use James instead since everyone calls him James and he uses James for everything apart from legal documents like birth certificate, etc.  For my purposes I am required to use their legal name.  I told him this and he would not accept that, saying how he uses James everywhere.  Perhaps seeing that I wasn't going to accept James, he said that it was a privacy issue and he did not want other people to know his real name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no issue calling this person &quot;James&quot; (and yes these are all made up names) and in fact had been calling him &quot;James&quot; all day.  This is for a sports organization.  While it is not a government agency or anything, there is a national governing body that has official policies such as this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The name in the system shows up on rosters, score sheets, rankings, etc. and this is where the person's name would be visible to others.  We turn in the score sheets after each game to the national headquarters and if the name differs from what's in the system, the team is penalized.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure it's a sport, sure it's an extracurricular hobby, sure it's for fun but this is actually a small business for me and I have to adhere to the national policies.  Additionally, I'd think it wouldn't look good to make exceptions for some people and not for others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've since talked to the national headquarters and they reminded me that the policy is to use the legal name.  They made a small compromise, putting his name in the system as &quot;William James&quot; and informed me that if we turn in score sheets that say James Smith, the team would not be penalized. (&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt; Forgot to mention that the rosters and rankings will now show &quot;William James Smith&quot;, but the score sheets we submit may say just James Smith, i.e. the William part will still be visible to others in some aspects)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did not know how to react because I certainly want to respect people's privacies especially if there is truly an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I felt that using the privacy issue was a lie to try to persuade me to get what he wanted.  For example, his email address contains &quot;William&quot; in it and he has 2 Facebook profiles: one as James Jordan and another as William Smith.  It's not difficult to find the William Smith profile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you react so as to not look like you disrespect people's privacy issues but you think that the privacy issue does not actually apply to the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Follow-up Question&lt;/strong&gt;: Was it even appropriate to ask the national headquarters?  I already knew the policy and was fairly certain they would not make an exception.  Does asking headquarters and furthermore letting James know that I tried asking headquarters only encourage them to come up with farfetched/implausible excuses because now I look gullible?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6156" LastEditorUserId="6156" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T01:33:28.080" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T23:00:51.523" Title="How can I convey to an organization's member that they must &quot;officially&quot; use their legal name or their team will be penalized?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5835" CreationDate="2017-10-24T19:40:07.987" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just because a naming convention is required on an official document does not prevent you from using a different name while speaking to them. There is reason many documents have a space for &quot;known aliases&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use the official name when have to fill out forms or other official materials, but when you are speaking to him use his preferred name. Regardless of the reason, I don't see a reason why you shouldn't respect this request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;ETA after update&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have gone through all this effort to try to manage this person's request it would be perfectly inline to inform them of what effort you have done and what accommodations are willing to be made. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after all the effort on your part, &quot;William&quot; is still not satisfied, I would question their true intent and motivations. If they continue you to pester you about using a different name once you have explained all of this, it is time to disengage and move on. Do not cause yourself undue stress to pander to someone who is unwilling to compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7860" LastEditorUserId="7860" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T12:19:35.307" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T12:19:35.307" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5837" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5835" CreationDate="2017-10-24T20:12:29.683" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;People are not 1 dimensional.  We usually have multiple motivations behind any given opinion or action.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you may be right.  When he says he has &quot;privacy issues&quot;  it may be a lie.  Or it could also be that he has multiple reasons that he wants to be called James, and that even though privacy is one of the less important reasons to him he thought it would be an effective reason to convince you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In any relationship you can choose to be a tyrant, a slave, or you can negotiate.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  -Jordan Peterson, paraphrased&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you look at your relationship with this person as a negotiation, you are losing a lot by refusing to call him by his preferred name.  I'm sure you have your reasons but I suspect that interpersonally in this instance you are losing more than you gain.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-24T20:42:48.943" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T20:42:48.943" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-24T20:36:14.600" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm surprised no one mentioned the reason the boys are acting the way they are. The above are nice answers, philosophical or idealistic approaches, but they won't achieve anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason your brothers listen to your parents and not you is &lt;strong&gt;leverage&lt;/strong&gt;. Now you probably already know this, but your mother is ignoring it; your parents provide the food, shelter and other living expenses for your brothers, if they were to act rebelliously all of a sudden, their lives would take a turn for the worse, so they listen and they do their chores.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They don't need to listen to you though, in fact it's the last thing they want to do after putting up with mom and dad. When your parents are on vacation, it's a vacation for your brothers as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to propose a &lt;strong&gt;solution&lt;/strong&gt; that will not only work from now on, it will also stimulate your parent's imaginations and make them much more agreeable with you if presented right; it will bolster your image in the family and give you outright power over your siblings:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get your parents somewhere private, maybe have some food, drink and light conversation; tell them you have an interesting proposal for them, since they're so convinced that you're supposed to be the one taking care of your brothers: &lt;em&gt;Tell them to give you control over all of your brothers' expenditures&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;everything&lt;/strong&gt;, for at least one month before and one month after their vacation, subject to extension if your brothers' behavior improves and you all get along. If they object or take it as a joke, tell them to at least pretend that's what's happening for the time being, just to see if the experiment can have a positive effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm more than convinced they'll find this proposal worth a try, and it'll get them thinking about how you can't really get people to do something without some motivation (and fear is the best motivator).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it works out you'll gain the respect of your entire family for the foreseeable future. If not, at least your mother will be faced with the fact that you CAN'T in fact control what your brothers do without any leverage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7861" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T20:36:14.600" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5835" CreationDate="2017-10-24T21:21:53.960" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like a situation that could be simply resolved with a:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry the rules are the rules. The organization is willing to make this concession .... , but if you want anything more than that, you'll have to take it up with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reasons for wanting to use a different name don't really matter in this case, and it doesn't sound like you have the authority to change the rules regardless of the reasons. So just be upfront about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking headquarters is just due diligence. Again his reasons don't really matter, no matter how far fetched they may seem to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note... Using an alternate name for privacy reasons isn't all that uncommon. Most of us do it on this site, I'm guessing that &quot;superstar&quot; isn't your legal name? I don't use my legal name at work beyond the necessary pay and tax paperwork. While it may seem odd to you, it really isn't uncommon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T03:34:27.507" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T03:34:27.507" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5831" CreationDate="2017-10-24T21:32:55.147" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;While the other answers focus on the situation where the other person wants to practice speaking English, I want to add another perspective:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person you talk to is (almost) fluent in English, conversing with you in German might be far more tiring for him than English, e.g. because it takes you longer to form setences, he has trouble understanding your accent or he often has to repeat himself to make sure you understand him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So maybe watch the conversations you have with him to see if this is the case. The amount of inconvenience while talking German with you obviously  depends on your level in the language (and his level in English), but here are some suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask him to talk in German while you talk in English.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only ask him to use German during the lunch break and not while discussing work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Agree on more infrequent occasions to talk German (e.g. German Tuesday).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just keep in mind that while it is likely he is happy to help you learn, he might get frustrated if he has to do it all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And more directly to the point how to get him to speak in his native language with you: Be direct and explicit. He apparently prefers (for whatever reason) to talk English, so it's probably best to ask him to speak German and explain why you would like him to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5110" LastEditorUserId="5110" LastEditDate="2017-10-24T21:53:58.313" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T21:53:58.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5842" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5831" CreationDate="2017-10-24T22:22:13.503" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Overall I must imagine there is a feeling of isolation when communicating in a second language and this may be implicative of a highly detached and internal view for the individual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the comments already present are more than sufficient, but the confliction of sincerity suggests you hope for a deeper more impactful response, not as much to liberate any tensions the individual may posses speaking in a foreign language, but to establish a connection and make them feel more welcome, and open. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An unusually powerful technique is implied suggestion, as when you have this confliction an offer doesn’t hold as much value, and force may seem aggressive. While I haven’t encountered this situation I believe just smiling, while speaking their language, even if the individual had primarily spoken English in the conversation, shows a genuine interest in their culture, and creates a warm, inviting gesture for the individual to be more free. This may show your intent, along with your caring personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6908" LastActivityDate="2017-10-24T22:22:13.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5831" CreationDate="2017-10-25T01:02:59.010" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll try to answer by giving the perspective of someone who is likely in a similar situation as your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person is living in an English speaking country, and they are proficient in the language, then accept that it may be unrealistic for you to expect him to speak his native language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in a country and use exclusively the language of that country rather than my native language and have been doing so for over three years. When forced to speak my native language, I actually have a difficult time as I am not used to speaking it, and it is sorta frustrating. I am fine with speaking it to people who can't speak the language of the country I am living in, but when someone proficient in the language tried to demand I speak my native language it kinda bothers me. If they want to speak my native language to me, that is their perogitive, but I will allow myself the liberty to reply in the language of my choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also like to add that I am happy to help someone learn by answering questions about the language itself, but there are other ways to get speaking practice than forcing me to speak the language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Since this was migrated from the workplace, I presume it is a work relationship. It would be especially upsetting to have to speak the native language in a work environment when the other person isn't more proficient in the native language than the language usually spoken at the company. It is presumably not in that person's job description to have to use that language, espicially not to teach others the language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastEditorDisplayName="user4788" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T03:19:46.070" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T03:19:46.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5847" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5849" CreationDate="2017-10-25T01:21:56.370" Score="1" ViewCount="1011" Body="&lt;p&gt;Our company is set up in a ranked structure. There is someone I know, when we are told to go to the back of a company or something, us senior ranked (but not too senior) employees would do what we are told and move to the back, but there is this one person who just will not do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, he is always out at the front supervising like he is higher than he really is, when he is the same rank as us and same position as us. The higher ups don't care about it, but they won't do anything about it and he is free to just stand there while the rest of us get growled at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one gave him any special privileges or a specific allocation to any job in particular. He is in fact an equal to us, but thinks he is higher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to tell them without getting yelled at that they are not as high as they think they are, and they should do what everyone else is doing&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7869" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T16:18:17.230" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T16:18:17.230" Title="Coworker at same rank is acting like he supervises us, and higher-ups don't seem to care. How to talk to him about it?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="5848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1354" CreationDate="2017-10-25T01:36:25.153" Score="0" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid getting into the situation by looking ahead of you instead of down and pre-judging how you'll pass someone, making small telegraphing movements like leaning into your direction of travel will help people know your intentions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just don't shuffle. Meaning if you do end up in this situation, move decisively in one direction and if you both made the same choice, motion them to pass you in the gap you made, if they somehow did exactly this as well, there's no hope for you and you should go home to bed and start the day over again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2595" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T01:36:25.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5847" CreationDate="2017-10-25T01:44:55.180" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your superiors are fine with him acting like that, then perhaps he isn't overstepping his bounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While he wasn't given authorization to be in that sort of position, he took it for himself, and no one stopped him. The officers know about it, but don't think negatively of it enough to try and stop him. If this continues as it is, he may very well oficially receive permission to continue what he is doing as the officers will see that he is capable of supervising.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it really is a negative influence to the team, then it is up to the team to explain that to the officers to stop them, I think. It would be difficult to receive a positive outcome speaking to the person directly without involving any officers at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T01:44:55.180" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5850" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-25T02:14:19.607" Score="10" ViewCount="2107" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the last two weeks, our owner's son has been coming to our office daily to &quot;work&quot;. However, he can't work. There's no work that can be assigned to him, and he is constantly distracting us by demanding more work (which he actually can't do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is 23. He is handicapped. He uses a wheelchair and can move the upper part of his body, although not too precise. Not to belittle him, but in my opinion, he lacks general knowledge and I believe he has a form of autism (I don't know what), indicated by how he lacks consideration in interacting with people. He has never worked before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He invited himself to work in our office because of Alice, my female coworker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although the situation sometimes a bit awkward because of his inconsiderate comments (not only to Alice), he is generally a nice person. However, he is distracting us by asking for work. For now, we have asked him to compile a report from invoices, which he has done &lt;em&gt;very slowly&lt;/em&gt;. The report has already been done by Alice, and the task is given to him merely to satisfy his demand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have two problems if we give him (a part of) our work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He cannot be held responsible if he makes mistakes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He will slow us down, and we are already understaffed (so we can't spare a person to coach him).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The owner already knows of this, but I don't think they have realized the impact on us. I'm looking for a way to get through this without asking his parents (the owner), mainly because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The son is actually a nice person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He does not have a lot of friends. He is usually holed up in his house.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal:&lt;/strong&gt; To stop, or minimize the distraction, while maintaining our friendship with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure how to approach him. We've tried &quot;You're distracting our work&quot;, &quot;You better stay at cafe&quot; (we are a cafe) in a joking manner, but it does not work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm not sure what to do.&lt;/strong&gt; Should I approach him? Or should I approach his parents?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Update:** Examples on how his disability disrupt our work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He works slowly. He picked up bills stacked on his table in 5 seconds, stared on it for 20 seconds, stared on the keyboard to find the keys needed to input the data, then proceed to input the data. This consumes at least 2 minutes to complete one data entry.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He occasionally drops bills, papers, or phone. We then need to pick them up for him. If we delay helping him because we're busy, I guess he will start to rant to himself that we should help him first so he can work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I'm not against him working with us, but for now we simply cannot find any &quot;real&quot; work for him. We'd prefer someone &lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt; assign him some tasks suitable for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T02:39:38.393" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T15:39:10.663" Title="How to approach the owner's handicapped son about him distracting our work?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5852" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5835" CreationDate="2017-10-25T05:45:27.687" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;While &quot;the rules are the rules&quot; may work for some, it may not with someone who seems intent on getting things the way they want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to take part in an amateur pool league (APA) and they had similar rules but they had a specific reason for it. If your team performed well and went to the nationals competition in Las Vegas, they needed your name on the member sheets to match up with your official ID - driver's license, passport, etc or else they wouldn't let you play in competition because you could not prove that you were the person who was actually on the team. So, if you wanted to go to Vegas and win a bunch of money and prizes, you'd have to register with your &quot;official&quot; name as it appears on your ID.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't say what sport or league you're in so I don't know that there's a similar consideration but as a person who likes to understand why the rules are the way they are, I'd be more willing to accept an explanation like the one above than &quot;that's just the way it is&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you've done a commendable job in trying to find a middle ground and I'm sorry that this member doesn't seem willing to accept this. Hopefully there is an explanation of the policy that will assuage him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that, if you don't know how to explain the reasoning, asking your local contact or the national one for an explanation is actually the right thing to do. That's usually part of why they exist - to answer these sorts of questions, so don't feel bad about reaching out to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, if you have an explanation of why this rule exists, you've found a reasonable accommodation, and he's still not willing to accept it... You may have to acknowledge that his best option may be to leave the group if privacy really is a concern for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-29T13:47:02.537" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T13:47:02.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5850" CreationDate="2017-10-25T06:19:09.663" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would take a completely different approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked in the comments if he had been trained to do this work because it makes a big difference. Any new employee to an organization is going to be a little slower than the people who've been doing it for a while. So, maybe don't make it about his disability?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted if he has mobility issues he'll likely have a harder time with some things, but try to be patient. Even if he is on the autism spectrum, that doesn't mean he isn't capable of doing the job. I'm on the spectrum and I do pretty well for myself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where possible try to be a little more accommodating. Not condescending, just accommodating. If he can't reach something he needs to do the job, consider moving it. These little things make a big difference in these situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give him a little while to acclimate and learn. Be patient with his questions, and keep in mind that he's not only learning how to do the job, he's also learning the company culture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, after a few months, he still can't hack it, talk to him about it directly. If that doesn't work, then consider talking with the owner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T06:24:43.723" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T06:24:43.723" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5850" CreationDate="2017-10-25T09:07:30.647" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll take a stab at this although I think we're just hearing part of the story here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the information you have provided, it seems that this person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is unqualified to do their job&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is harassing an employee (maybe not too much now but if nothing is done, it might escalate)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is holding the team back&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is the boss' son&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going forward with that, my best advice would be to &lt;strong&gt;talk with your boss&lt;/strong&gt;, either as a team or alone. Don't be confrontational, just state the facts. Argue that you have tried to accommodate him but it's not working out. He's having a negative affect on the team instead of a positive one (inventing tasks to do still requires supervision).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But&lt;/strong&gt; be prepared for your boss going into defensive mode. You need to consider all angles and be realistic. This could easily lead to you being fired. If your boss goes into the defensive and can't admit that there's a problem, don't push it. Instead gather evidence and present them again at a later date. It would help if you approached the boss as a team instead of a single person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately you're at a disadvantageous position here since you're an employee and that's your boss, but what your boss has forced upon you is unfair. If I'd have to guess, I'd say that your boss either tried to unload his son on you, his son manipulated him into giving him a job at your workplace so he can be close to Alice or both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: I am not familiar with Indonesian culture, so I would advise you to pass all the answers here through a filter before following any of them.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="6561" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T10:37:23.120" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T10:37:23.120" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5826" CreationDate="2017-10-25T09:44:09.023" Score="4" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Never leave S.O. alone,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When making introductions clearly say other persons name first followed by an introduction of S.O.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Slip suitable conversation that S.O. Can have real input in that is in the realm of your S.O.'s taste&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give your S.O. A rundown of compatible company of people your s.o. can comingle with beforehand&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it fun for your s.o.&#xA;Oh and give some juicy gossip to s.o. when they seem bored &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This event isn't a you thing even if it is your invite and your classmates or colleagues it's about both of you having a good evening so be decently attentive to your s.o.'s needs. And no ditching. Everything is pretty much done together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7883" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T09:44:09.023" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5860" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5865" CreationDate="2017-10-25T11:05:38.493" Score="36" ViewCount="26080" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the middle of the year (around June) my girlfriend mentioned that she would go to a friend's party. She didn't mention the exact date, she didn't know when it would be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the last couple of weeks, we made a deal, that we would first go out to spend a weekend with her nephews (that was last weekend) and then the next weekend we would go out just us. We booked a place and planned the stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then she came to talk to me yesterday and said we would have to cancel our trip because of this party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did not put fight into it, I just said &quot;OK&quot;. But now I think I'm still a bit upset about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like her to know I'm still upset. &lt;strong&gt;How could I best communicate my upsetness to her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you all for the answers, last night i brought the matter up with her and we settled this for good. She thoroughly explained the situation that she told her friend she would go to the party previously and we get into an agreement to reschedule our weekend together.&#xA;Im accepting @anongoodnurse answer as is address my question the best, but i also liked @Astralbee because it gets better to the point that i was into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7886" LastEditorUserId="7886" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T13:42:08.737" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T23:08:21.650" Title="How to deal with girlfriend cancelling weekends plan" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5860" CreationDate="2017-10-25T11:27:29.423" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, tell yourself that you're only human and that your feelings are completely natural. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that having unresolved feelings doesn't mean that you want to argue with your girlfriend. Having unresolved feelings just means that you have unresolved feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yes, if you're upset, you should tell her you're still upset. You could try denying it, but what would be the point. Our emotions can manifest themselves in many different ways. And there is no point in denying our emotions to a person who knows us well and who can already read us like a book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, unresolved feelings may not seem perfectly rational either. And by that, I don't mean to deny your feelings, nor do I mean that your feelings are invalid. They're certainly not. I just mean that feelings don't seem to always respond to logic and that they can be hard to decipher on occasions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, imagine two (almost) identical universes where the same incident occurred. In one universe, the boyfriend gets upset. In the second universe, the boyfriend doesn't get upset. When dealing with emotions, those two seemingly contrary outcomes are perfectly plausible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What was the initial difference between those two universes do you think? Well, there is an infinite number of possibilities, but if I had to come up with one possible explanation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might suggest that the second universe contained a boyfriend that had other potential plans for that same weekend, and that when he heard that the weekend was canceled, that he might have actually been delighted to hear that he could attend to those other plans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is actually one of the reasons I said in my earlier answer (to the previous question) that he should focus on himself, his interests, and his hobbies. Depending on himself for his own needs is a way for him to replenish his own personal and emotional energy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I know CoffeineConverter interpreted my post to mean that he should &quot;shut himself away&quot;, but on the contrary, that couldn't be further from what I was advising him to do. When I said &quot;himself, his interests, and his hobbies&quot;, I didn't mean that he should wallow in his self-pity, stay home all weekend, and just play video games or watch TV. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My apology if that's what you understood. What I meant is that he should go out hiking, canoeing, camping, sailing, etc., all by himself or with his friends, and try to enjoy himself even if his original weekend plans with his girlfriend got canceled. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But at the same time, I don't think he should partake in planning the next weekend. He was already emotionally invested in the first weekend. He doesn't need to be emotionally invested in a second weekend outing too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also needs to find out if the girlfriend is really interested in going to such a weekend event herself. It could just be that she said 'yes' initially because she felt pressured into it by her boyfriend's enthusiasm. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And last but not least, young people in a couple tend to love taking turns challenging and teasing each other. That's how they have fun. This is why this cancellation could be used as an opportunity instead. Now that the boyfriend got canceled on, he could take that opportunity to challenge the girlfriend to make it up to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T14:59:44.640" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T14:59:44.640" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5860" CreationDate="2017-10-25T11:27:46.580" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR - You should talk with her about it but it was not her fault.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that she told you about the party long ago and she did not know the date and that you recently arranged a weekend for you both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think about it, she arranged that party before your private time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In another note, relationships are based upon trust. With this, I think you should talk to her since you are upset about cancelling your private time and check on how she feels about it as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why don't you postpone it? I know you booked a place already and it's busy work to cancel and that kind of stuff but could be a solution that could please both you and your GF.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: If you really want to get rid of that pesky feeling, the best way to do it is to &lt;strong&gt;talk&lt;/strong&gt; to her. Express your feelings. Something along the lines of what you said already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Hey, I know that party was already planned long ago, but it didn't have an exact date and it ruins the moment we planned for us. I am very upset. I feel like [We should carry on with our plans / How do you feel about it?]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this depends on the relationship you both have. All are different and I never had one :^)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, have a talk with her and good luck :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6520" LastEditorUserId="1939" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T16:13:30.957" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T16:13:30.957" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5850" CreationDate="2017-10-25T11:54:56.353" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you need to talk to the father privately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the son needs companionship or work or a therapist/mentor/an adult babysitter, the father is the only one who has the power to mold the son's environment to fit his needs (all the while trying to minimize any feeling of embarrassment his son may experience from being told 'no').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, the father could hire someone who specializes in special needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or perhaps the father could send him to a summer camp or a specific training program.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or perhaps still, the father could allow Alice to work from home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now don't get me wrong, I do not know if any of these solutions are feasible. I do not know very much about your workplace at all. You know about your workplace. And only the father will know what he's able and willing to do himself with the kinds of resources he has available to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as an employee, you definitely don't have that kind of power yourself. Also, blurring the lines between personal needs and work and asking you to take on those additional responsibilities, is unfair to you and unfair to the rest of your team, especially when you're already understaffed and you're expected to maintain your normal workload. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides, the workload is not even the big issue. This is not the type of work you originally signed up for. This is not the type of work you're passionate about or have even been trained for. And from Alice's perspective, this is probably not the kind of attention she wants while she's working. A normal workplace is not a dating pool where the owner's son can just pick and choose which female employee he sits next to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I don't care how nice the son is, or how much the parents appreciate what they believe is happening, but someone needs to burst their bubble, rather sooner than later. The son needs boundaries. The son needed boundaries right from the first day he came to his dad's workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T23:43:35.947" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T23:43:35.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5860" CreationDate="2017-10-25T12:23:22.383" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Should I just let it go?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you important? Is your happiness important? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What beliefs do you hold regarding her cancelling at the last minute? You are upset, why? Because she did not put effort into planning, including the party? Because she did not let you know in advance her plans? What could you have done differently ? Is your belief rational regarding your girlfriends ACTIONS (not motivations or anything else that you want to read into it)? How could you look at it differently? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So NO, you do not let it go, because with your current beliefs you can not. And from question, you truthfully believe your girlfriends action needs to be addressed. How you approach your girlfriend depends what you want accomplished? That she is involved with planning more, plans herself better, what do you want the outcome to be? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7579" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T12:23:22.383" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5860" CreationDate="2017-10-25T12:38:27.197" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;I assume you are two adults, and that you're together because you are at least fond of each other.       &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Close relationships inherently come with a lot of conflicts, such as this. How you handle conflict either brings you closer together or drives you apart. Each conflict can do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping something bottled up for the sake of peace usually leads to resentment and feeling like you are the one who makes all the sacrifices (we remember our sacrifices better than we remember those of our partner.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So have a talk with her. Tell her you were looking forward to time alone together, etc., whatever it is you had hoped for. Be honest. Then listen to her, and what she has to say. The best outcome is that you're both understanding and supportive of the other. Hopefully a compromise will be reached.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal here isn't to get her to change her mind about the weekend; if it is, that's a different kind of talk, and not the kind of conflict solving that brings people together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things you need to remember: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She expressed how important this party was months ago and admitted to not knowing the date of the party. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You planned this weekend together; she has as much a right to change it as you do. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being in relationship involves give and take. This might be one of the &quot;give&quot; times, this might be one of the &quot;take&quot; times, I don't know, because I would need to know about the rest of your relationship.       &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="6259" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T15:13:26.950" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T15:13:26.950" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5860" CreationDate="2017-10-25T13:16:39.383" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sound like she didn't mix things up on purpose, but you seem bothered more by how she went on to deal with the conflict than the actual mix up itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no formula for deciding which of two events is more important. Try not to read too much into it. For me, sticking to my word is of primary importance. If I said yes to two conflicting events, I believe that morally the right thing is to attend the first one you agreed to. It is reasonable to tell someone that you have to cancel because you had previously agreed to something else, whereas telling someone that something better came up is generally not cool. By this standard, your girlfriend did the right thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't agree with previous answers suggesting that you use the incident to your advantage. Love isn't a turn-by-turn strategy game. If you actually believe your girlfriend consistently puts her friends ahead of you then perhaps it is time to analyse the relationship. But if this is an isolated event then you could let it go, or talk to her about it in a non-confrontational way. Don't make it about you - perhaps say you were wondering why she put her friend's party above seeing her own nephews? The answer will probably be the trip can be easily rearranged with you and them, but a party is not so easily rearranged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T13:16:39.383" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5860" CreationDate="2017-10-25T13:50:04.320" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;My answer is about your main question &quot;How could I best communicate my upsetness to her?&quot;, not about who's right, how to make her change her mind, or whether you should try to.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First&lt;/strong&gt;, ask yourself why you are upset. (More than an emotion in its own right, feeling angry or upset is a signal that other feelings are calling for attention.) &lt;a href=&quot;https://lifehacker.com/find-the-perfect-word-for-your-feelings-with-this-vocab-1653013241&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;What do you feel&lt;/a&gt; and what's the need that's expressed through that emotion? For example, do you feel&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;sad&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;disappointed&lt;/em&gt; because you looked forward to what could have been a nice weekend?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;alone&lt;/em&gt; because you need your girlfriend close?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;rejected&lt;/em&gt; because you think you're not as important to your girlfriend?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second&lt;/strong&gt;, tell her what you observed while trying not to interpret her behavior. Say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You told me you wanted to cancel our trip, which I thought we had&#xA;  agreed on.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don't&lt;/em&gt; say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You bailed on me &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; You let me down (again).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, avoid blaming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third&lt;/strong&gt;, tell her about your feelings and needs with regard to that observation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Since you told me you wanted to cancel our trip, I feel a bit sad,&#xA;  because I was really looking forward to spending time with you,&#xA;  honey [or whichever need and emotion applies].&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This and the second step can actually go together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Finally&lt;/strong&gt;, you may want to add an actionable request with respect to your need. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;... Do you think we can discuss another trip for just the two of us?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But perhaps you don't need the last step, because you're satisfied to connect with your girlfriend and receive her empathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T12:39:26.137" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T12:39:26.137" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5850" CreationDate="2017-10-25T14:37:19.643" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The guy is not just your boss, you said he is the owner of the company. You also say that he already knows his son is slowing you down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My conclusion from this is that your boss considers looking after his son to be part of your role!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps an alternative discussion you could have with your boss is about reducing your workload now that you are looking after his son? That could bring him around to seeing what effect his son is having on productivity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The interest in your female coworker is more worrying though - unwanted attention in a workplace is a law suit waiting to happen. Whether Alice or yourself should speak to your boss about this depends largely on what sort of man he is, and what sort of relationship you have with him. I hate to generalise, but some parents of disabled children can be hyper-sensitive and over-protective. You'd have to be very careful about what you say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T14:37:19.643" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5869" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5826" CreationDate="2017-10-25T14:37:32.620" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it possible for you to arrange a meeting &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; the party with some of the people that will be there? I mean, a small get-together, with 2-3 other couples where you and your SO could meet some of the attendees, perhaps also other SO's that intend to go the party? That surely will make him/her more comfortable to go to the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your SO can't meet any of the attendees beforehand and is feeling awkward in the party I suggest him/her to look for people in the same situation, much probably other SO's. They have something in common, they are feeling &lt;em&gt;kind of lost in somebody else's party&lt;/em&gt;, so probably it's easier to start a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I've been to the same situation as your SO and honestly, I'd rather stay at home. You won't enjoy your party as much, because much probably you'll have to give some attention to him/her and he won't also. Is this a possibility? Could you talk him not to go to avoid him feeling bad for spoiling your party?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4426" LastEditorUserId="4426" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T18:50:19.730" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T18:50:19.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5835" CreationDate="2017-10-25T14:48:03.977" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here are the current options on the table:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell him about the compromise you got from HQ. If he still doesn't believe you, give him their phone number and tell him who you spoke to. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Show him how he can change his name legally (this will vary on jurisdiction and if he's a minor and has his parents permissions).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he's an immigrant with a foreign name (unreadable to most Americans). Offer him to use that name assuming he has an id with it. Or if he has a middle name that he hasn't told you about yet, maybe that could be used too.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell him he has the option to leave (unfortunately, depending on his reasons this may come to that, if he has two different girlfriends for instance that do not know about each other, your league may only be of secondary concern to him). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T14:48:03.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5826" CreationDate="2017-10-25T15:06:03.167" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife worries about this, and it will always be a mystery to me because she can hold her own in a conversation and is well liked by everybody she knows!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'A bit apprehensive' sounds relatively normal. She wants to go, possibly to support you, but that is a good thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't really anticipate how it will go - there's a good chance there will be people there in the same position as her, brought by their partner but don't know anyone. She might make new friends, she might not. She might be stuck to your arm all night and be miserable, or she might go off mingling and have a great time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always go to any party with open expectations and try to remember that it is good to put ourselves into new situations because that is what being alive is all about!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T15:06:03.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5873" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5878" CreationDate="2017-10-25T15:30:01.530" Score="52" ViewCount="11966" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few weeks ago, I moved into a single-person house across from a larger four-person house on the same property. We are all college students in a college town, in the US. If it matters, I'm two grades above them. We share a backyard. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About a week in, they decided to set up one of those cheap $50 inflatable pools in the backyard, fairly close to one of my windows. (There'd be no other place to put it.) At the time, I'd mentioned that standing water isn't healthy to keep around for an extended period of time, especially untreated and unmaintained. They said they'd take care of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been five weeks, and that has not happened. I've likely been negligent in not following up with them about it sooner, but that's in the past. I'd normally leave it be, and I wanted to, but it's turning into a breeding pool for mosquitoes and other bugs. I've talked with them about it, asking whether they're still planning on maintaining it, commenting that it's starting to breed bugs - but I've gotten only lukewarm responses. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The landlord does not know about this pool. I was nudged into one of those &quot;forgiveness over permission&quot; implicit social contracts with the other tenants, and the landlord was never informed. Though, it should be noted that the pool blipped on the landlord's radar via an abnormally high water bill for the month. It's not a small pool. While I do pay my share of this bill, I was willing to do it in order to avoid setting a bad social precedent early on. It's $10-15, and I'm willing to pay $10 to maintain amicable relations. (The landlord contacted us all, asking what was up with the water bill, but it's so far that email has been met with radio silence.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this does also mean that deflating the pool and inflating it only when it's going to be used is non-viable. It's about $55-70 net worth of water to properly set up, and we live in a drought region.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to stay on good terms with the residents. They are nice people, and I do have to live on shared property for the next year. But it's, well... a problem that's only going to get worse. On top of that, I am actually good friends with the &lt;em&gt;landlord,&lt;/em&gt; and I'm not sure how my choice to not inform them will be received, and reflect on &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt;. I would like to stay on good terms with them as well, both as a tenant for recommendation reasons, and a friend, because I just flat like them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The reason I'm asking here is because I consider this a social problem rather than a legal one.&lt;/strong&gt; There is both a contractual mechanism in place and a city code violation process that I &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; engage, but involving the law over a backyard pool is just about the coldest, silliest thing I could do, and I'd really rather not. I'd rather slather peanut butter on myself, put on a jester hat and zoot suit, and shout bug-themed obscenities through their open windows while jumping up and down in the pool than do this. (To clarify: this is not a normal activity for me.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I mentioned above, I've already tried the &quot;gentle nudge/reminder&quot; approach. I'm not sure what's appropriate from this point forward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking both short term and long term here: what do I do right now, and what can I do later on if that doesn't work, or if the group is unresponsive? At what point is it socially reasonable for me to have done my due diligence, and escalate the issue?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2203" LastEditorDisplayName="user2203" LastEditDate="2017-10-25T16:01:21.353" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T08:27:17.820" Title="Co-tenants set up an inflatable pool outside my window. It's now breeding bugs. What can I do?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5875" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5873" CreationDate="2017-10-25T16:30:31.893" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd go with one last, final warning. No gentle coercion, but cold hard truth. Tell your roommates that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There are mosquitoes breeding in the water. I'm assuming hot weather, so you want to be able to have your window open at night. &lt;strong&gt;You're bothered by the mosquitoes and it's worse for you since they decided to plant the pool under your window.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're willing to tolerate the pool beneath your window, as you've stated before. &lt;strong&gt;But there was a condition to it, that isn't being met right now.&lt;/strong&gt; You want them to do something about that within a week.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Set an ultimatum,&lt;/strong&gt; I arbitrarily chose the week. You might negotiate a little (e.g. if roommates can prove they ordered a pump for the pool, but that will arrive in two weeks. Then give them 3 days or so to install it after).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell your roommates that if this ultimatum isn't met, you're no longer going to risk your relationship with the landlord.&lt;/strong&gt; The pests will spread, and in the end, other people than you will be bothered by them. If they report to the landlord before you, you're in trouble and you don't want to go there. So, either they do something about the problem before it spreads, or you go to the landlord to have the pool cleaned up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Nice thing to have handy would be a solution to propose.&lt;/strong&gt; There are some tricks to get rid of mosquito larvae, &lt;a href=&quot;http://pesthacks.com/kill-mosquito-larvae-5-brilliant-tactics/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this was the top google hit&lt;/a&gt;. Tell/show them it's easy to tackle the problem and support some suggestions for them. Leave them free to decide on another solution, however, if they wish to do so. Of course, the easiest solution would be to drain the pool, and put it in storage for a few weeks of fun next year.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Repeat, repeat, repeat. &lt;strong&gt;Make your point very clear, so they can't accuse you of not warning them of it in advance.&lt;/strong&gt; You're going to the landlord to have the pool removed if your roommates are not willing to clean it up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Since it's filled with bugs, I can't really imagine there are still people swimming in/using it! You could make a fun day with a barbecue or something on 'pool-clean-up-day'.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your relationship with the landlord, not having told them earlier does not make a good impression if they're very strict on the rules. What you can try here is an appeal to their sympathy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have to live with your roommates, so you also want a good relationship with them. You didn't rat them out immediately because you wanted to keep good relations with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are ratting them out now because the pool is becoming a public health hazard. And you want to keep your good relationship with the landlord. You don't want the property infested by insects.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Something like&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'I hope you can understand. The pool wasn't my idea, and at first, I didn't see the problems it could pose. I'm doing now, so here I am, humble and repentant, to fix the issue before it is too late'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think the landlord will get too upset over the water bill, after all you were all willing to pay your share and so even the abnormal high water bill was paid without any trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T08:55:59.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5873" CreationDate="2017-10-25T16:31:10.120" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;So the way I see it, you have two options. The first would be to contact your landlord and have them take care of it. It sounds like part of your goal here is to avoid dealing with this with an appeal to authority, as that would hurt your relations with the other tenants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second option is to deal directly with the tenants. You described them as generally good guys, and I completely agree that being direct with them is the way to go. I understand that you've already talked with them once. If they are like any of the college guys I met and/or was, they probably remember the conversation and even feel kind of guilty about not doing anything, but will continue to not do anything until they feel the pool is actually an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to talk to them. Really, just one of them. If you know them well enough to make this judgment call, find the most mature or at least the friendliest one and talk to him one-on-one. Explain that the pool is becoming an issue and mention the mosquitoes specifically. Forget asking them to maintain it. They might clean it once, but there's a good chance you would have to have another one of these talks each time it needs a cleaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you either don't feel comfortable confronting any of them one-on-one, or feel like you might end up having a hard time expressing the issue or staying calm, a note left on their door &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; work, but would likely require more forceful language to be effective. If you go the note route, I would probably suggest including language indicating you'll need to talk to the landlord if they don't take care of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7151" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T16:31:10.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5873" CreationDate="2017-10-25T16:32:13.320" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.epa.gov/mosquitocontrol/joint-statement-mosquito-control-united-states&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;It actually is becoming a health problem.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The infringement of putting down that pool without permission and then neglecting to own up on the incurred responsibility makes this an escalating health risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would you react on hearing a young child in the neighbourhood contracting encephalitis, dengue, yellow fever, malaria, or filariasis to name but a few?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, warn. Verbally if you can or by putting a note through the mailbox if you must. Give fair warning and a reasonable term to remove the entire mess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be very clear about their responsibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait out the term, give a one day final deadline and act by removing the water and pool, and call it a day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And to be sure mix in a healthy dose of chlorine into the water &lt;em&gt;right now&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reference:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.epa.gov/mosquitocontrol/joint-statement-mosquito-control-united-states&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.epa.gov/mosquitocontrol/joint-statement-mosquito-control-united-states&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T16:37:59.000" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5873" CreationDate="2017-10-25T17:33:45.400" Score="77" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've told them that standing water can cause problems with bugs, but that doesn't mean they've made the connection.  People hear &quot;X could cause problem Y&quot; and dismiss it if they don't personally care much about Y.  If these are young students possibly living on their own for the first time, there are tons of &quot;household 101&quot; stuff they might not know yet, not because they're dim but because they haven't had the experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What they need to hear is not that this is a problem (in the abstract) but that this &lt;em&gt;is actually a problem for you&lt;/em&gt;.  In my experience, in a case where everyone wants to maintain a friendly relationship, making it &lt;em&gt;personal&lt;/em&gt; gets better results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to one of them when neither of you needs to rush off, and say something like: &quot;Hey, the mosquitoes from the pool are really causing problems for me -- I can't keep my windows open and the bites are itchy.  Can you folks start maintaining the pool, or should we empty it out?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that he doesn't know what needs to be done to maintain it.  If you do know and it's something fairly simple (that just isn't getting done), then instead of &quot;maintaining the pool&quot; you could say &quot;skimming the pool every week&quot; or &quot;treating the water&quot; or whatever it is you do to maintain pools.  This invites the person to ask questions about what needs to be done, if he cares enough about the pool to want to keep it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the landlord, you can proceed on the assumption that the other residents got permission, assuming the lack of permission isn't blatant.  (For example, if your lease says &quot;no swimming pools&quot;, this suggestion isn't going to work.)  If the landlord brings it up, you can say &quot;oh, I assumed they had your permission for that&quot;.  If you feel conversationally obliged to bring it up yourself, you can say something like &quot;the guys in 2A seem really happy about that pool&quot;.  Either way, you're conveying that (a) it's not your pool and (b) you assumed they did things right, but since it's not your pool you didn't pry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T17:33:45.400" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5826" CreationDate="2017-10-25T20:10:17.283" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless your SO is there to make sure you don't indulge in some kind of a sentimental, re-live the past hook-up, don't bring your SO to the event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will completely feel like an outsider. All the conversations will be about things your SO will not be a part of. The only possible redemption is if SO latches onto a group of other SOs who are also not part of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, annoyed at being an outsider, you will feel pressured to force-include, or to leave early, or to not participate in continued social activities, which torpedoes the entire reason why you are going to this thing in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My ex- and I went to each others' 10 year class reunions, and the non-member felt like an outsider and the other felt obligated to not have as much fun and to cut the night short.  After that, we agreed to not tag along or drag the other along, and we both greatly enjoyed our 15 and 20 years, a lot, and a lot more. And many of the people at my ex-'s reunions were people I knew, got along with, visited and interacted well with. It wasn't about whether I had anything in common or could find friendly people in the group. However, in that setting, they were there to reconnect and share remembrances of their high school days, and I had nothing to offer, in that regard. It seemed like, for that first pair of reunions, we were doing an obligatory service to some assumed, unwritten rule, for no other reason than it seemed to us that this was what loving couples were supposed to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're going to be seeing people where the shared context is something very specific to the people in your program.  If it's a more generalized social gathering, I'd say differently, but if everyone is going to be making shop-related talk, that's not a good atmosphere to bring the SO into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastEditorUserId="6146" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T19:44:29.617" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T19:44:29.617" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5884" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-25T20:37:27.690" Score="6" ViewCount="2064" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I call my parents or grandparents, they sometimes thank me for calling shortly before hanging up. Sometimes after a mutual &quot;Good bye!&quot; (well, German equivalent of it anyway ...), sometimes shortly before this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find this pretty awkward, especially when they called me first and I called back after missing their call, or they texted me to call them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I answer this question?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7904" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T20:47:01.913" Title="What to answer when thanked for calling" Tags="&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5884" CreationDate="2017-10-25T20:42:51.510" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're overthinking this. They're either happy you called back instead of them having to try again, or they're just happy to speak to you. Either way, just respond with 'you're welcome' or 'no problem' and be off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T20:42:51.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5884" CreationDate="2017-10-25T20:47:01.913" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, they're just being polite or expressing how much they enjoy conversations with you. I typically just say something along the lines of &quot;no problem, it was great talking with you!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel guilty about missing an earlier call, you could just give a short apology: &quot;sorry I missed your call earlier, but I'm glad we could catch each other this time!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like they're trying to be a little passive-aggressive with the comment, those responses work just as well to stay polite and friendly. Or you could include a gentle reminder of when you are normally available or something like that if you feel it's appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T20:47:01.913" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2949" CreationDate="2017-10-25T20:59:13.850" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I warned my girlfriend that my condition requires someone with &quot;patience and understanding&quot;. That has now become our personal catchphrase for many things - sometimes serious, sometimes jokingly. If she considers that a &quot;disability&quot;, and she's unwilling to handle someone with a &quot;disability&quot;, then it's probably time to move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7906" LastActivityDate="2017-10-25T20:59:13.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5891" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5892" CreationDate="2017-10-26T01:33:07.443" Score="4" ViewCount="2119" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was wondering if there are any good shorthand ways to let the receiver of a text know that the previous text was missing a word at a particular position.  For example, if the text is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Kim want to today?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;4^meet&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to say that &quot;meet&quot; should go after the fourth word.  The above example isn't common and doesn't work for large texts.  I was wondering what the standard protocol is for something like this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7912" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-08-07T11:43:00.697" LastActivityDate="2019-08-07T11:43:00.697" Title="What is a good way to correct a missing word in a text?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5891" CreationDate="2017-10-26T02:08:38.237" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it is pretty common to use an asterisk with the surrounding words you wish to add.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;*want to meet today&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: the asterisk is also commonly placed at the end rather than the beginning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T02:09:53.613" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T02:09:53.613" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5894" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5896" CreationDate="2017-10-26T05:34:17.613" Score="14" ViewCount="13167" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a senior student in Canadian high school. I recently started dating a junior at my school. We seem to be really good together, and we make each other happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the situation is complicated because my best friend, another junior, had a long-time crush on her. He acted on his feelings about 8 months ago, and she rejected him, which made me very careful in our pre-relationship stage.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I spoke to my friend about how my relationship with his former crush was evolving into something bigger, and he assured me that he doesn't mind, doesn't like her anymore, and is not really in the position to say anything. Taking him at his word, I saw no reason not to move forward with our relationship when she confessed that she has feelings for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, now my friend is saying that his previous statements were made only out of politeness. That he doesn't want to ruin our new-found relationship, but he actually hasn't gotten over her, which puts me in a really bad situation.       &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should have read my friend's feelings more carefully, and looking back there were signs when she and I first started talking. However, I don't want to break up with her. I'm really enjoying getting to know her better, and I'm not sure that breaking up will help the situation anyway. My friend will probably be trapped by the guilt and sadness, which will negatively affect our friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of them are important to me, and choosing one over another will not make any of us happy. Furthermore, my girlfriend wants to maintain a friendship with my friend and is not trying to push us apart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, our friendship has gotten a little shaky. He is acting out in front of everyone, saying stuff like &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;she rejected me and left me&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Even if it was meant as a joke, this is making both my girlfriend and I very uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know his actions are mostly due to his emotional turmoil. I think my friend is not stable at the moment, is honestly scaring me, and I don't know what his next action will be. I'd like to get more insight into what he feels and what he wants. I want to talk to him about this, so we can plan our future course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I talk to my friend about this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update: We are no longer friends and do not interact. But my girlfriend and I are maintaining a loving, caring, and healthy relationship. Guess I can't get them both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7917" LastEditorUserId="7917" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T05:53:31.283" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T05:53:31.283" Title="Unintentionally started dating my best friend's crush. How to talk to him about it?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5894" CreationDate="2017-10-26T05:54:25.900" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As @A J already said there is'nt a really good answer to this since there are many different possibility to go from there. Only thing I will do is give you my opinion and what I would do in your situation.  You can think about it and dismiss or use whatever I will say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really need to think about what your goal with this girl is. You want to stay with her for years? Can she be the one? Or you now already see that it won't be forever and you just enjoy your time with her? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I would be you and I would answer those questions with 'she is the one' 'forever' or whatever, I would stay with your girl. Friends come and go and someday you will move to another city or country and lose contact with your friend, but this girl will always stay with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still you don't really need to feel bad with your friend. She rejected him and now she wants you. You can't change a thing about this and can just try to be a good friend to him eventho you got 'his' girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that all made sense. Hope you get something out of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cya!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4728" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T05:54:25.900" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5894" CreationDate="2017-10-26T07:05:56.750" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Doesn't sound like there's much you can do. 8 months isn't a very long time but neither is it short, so unless she's actually talked about it, odds are she hasn't changed her opinion regarding your best friend. At some point in life you have to start thinking about your own happiness. It's not nice to your friend, but seeing as she's already rejected him, I'm not convinced he would've still had a chance even without you being around, at least not for a while longer. It's nothing personal in the end, so as long as you're fair to your friend and can convince him that you're doing it for yourself and do not intend to hurt him, then hopefully he should be fair to you as well and understand your situation. That's what friends should be for, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once that's out of the way, it might be best to avoid the topic with him as well, at least until he shows signs of moving on. You're still in high school, so at some point he'll start to recover as well. If he's in any way fair to you, then you won't have to actually choose between your GF and your best friend. If he's not, that's his problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless there are more details that you haven't shared yet, the worst thing you can do right now is to threaten your relationship. Friendships, like relationships, are not a one-way street. He has to understand you the same way you understand him, and seeing as you made this post, your honest intentions are clear enough that you don't have to worry about yourself here. Outside of being fair to him like I said earlier, the onus is on him to understand you and work towards moving on, unless the GF herself has other ideas (but that might require an entirely new question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One final thing: You mentioned that he said &quot;He didn't want to ruin our new-found relationship.&quot; This is important, since it shows he cares enough about you to at least try and suppress how he feels. It's not the easiest thing in the world to get over a crush at that age, and this sort of situation doesn't make it any better, hence why he wasn't completely honest with you from the get-go. It's a common scenario and I wouldn't hold it against him if I were you. Odds are if he was able to at least say that, then he's definitely working on moving on, which means things are looking good for you. Being reminded of her via you getting into a relationship with her probably didn't help, but that's why I suggested trying to avoid the topic past a certain point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7334" LastEditorDisplayName="user7334" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T07:16:19.100" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T07:16:19.100" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5873" CreationDate="2017-10-26T08:32:24.500" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Need to come up with a pretense for getting your landlord over to your rooms, a problem nothing to do with the pool. Something like a leaking tap, light not working. While he's there, it'll become patently obvious that there's another problem with his property - the pool. You're in the clear, he sorts the pool, job done!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1655" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T08:32:24.500" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5900" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5903" CreationDate="2017-10-26T13:18:03.333" Score="23" ViewCount="18261" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've encountered this problem several times and under different circumstances. It really annoys me when people constantly make noises with their mouth. Now, I can't name them and they come in different shapes and forms, e. g. different kinds of sucking in air (involving the lips or not, tongue, saliva), or movements with their tongue and I don't know what else. They are not loud, but too loud to not be heard when in their vicinity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't concern a one-time occurrence, but when I am subjected to these&#xA;noises for a prolonged period of time. Perhaps, I'm more sensitive about it than others are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While learning in a computer room, another student sat down at the PC next to me. I didn't know that student and am not sure if I even saw them ever again. There was often a distracting acoustic level (people talking or laughing), but that student made those noises described above and this really got on my nerves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Some noises I can tune out pretty well and then they really do not distract me, but these are really none of them.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two issues that make it hard for me to handle:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't know how to address it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Adding to that, I can't be sure that they are even aware of what they are doing.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I politely communicate to a stranger to stop making a noise&#xA;that I can't even name?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is that they stop doing it or at least become aware of it,&#xA;and I hope to avoid an awkward situation arising as much as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm looking for IPS approaches to solve the issue that are also applicable in situations where I can't shield myself from noises/voices, e. g. via headphones.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is not about whistling, noises made while eating or anything needing the vocal cords.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sorry if there is actually a name for these noises that I'm unaware of. But if it's not widespread, I can't use it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;For those who are curious: I finally wimped out and went to another computer room.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify what noises I'm taking about, I will try to describe them, although it's hard (since I can only speculate how they are done by reverse engineering).&#xA;It's not about necessary noises that maybe louder than usual, e. g. breathing noises (in case someone has a medical condition). These are noises that happen, for example, when you press your tongue in between your teeth and then suck air into your mouth, or if you suck in air through the closed lips. And probably variants of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2021-03-22T03:06:56.007" Title="How do I politely tell a stranger to stop making annoying noises I can't name?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5900" CreationDate="2017-10-26T13:39:44.147" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, if you want to stay and don't leave like you did, you will always have to create a somewhat awkward situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this situation can be really discreet, just like the one I'm going to suggest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approach the person that is bothering you calmly and in a low tone and say something like: (I assume you know the source since you described the guy. If you don't, try to identify before acting)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, I am sorry to bother you, but you are making a noise that's distracting me: &lt;em&gt;describe the source (mouth, feet,(...))&lt;/em&gt;. I don't know if you were aware of it but can you please stop it? Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should work with everyone, &lt;strong&gt;by working with everyone i mean you talk to them and try to understand their reasons why they are making disturbing noises&lt;/strong&gt; if the person is with the hearing blocked (headphones and such) approach from the front of him and look at them directly, should be enough. If the person is sitting against a window or wall and with hearing blocked, just a small touch on the shoulder to get their attention and you're golden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. I assume those noises are involuntary but not caused by a medical condition. If they tell you it's not intentional, apologizing and moving on are the next steps. This is where IPS solutions end and where Lifehacks begin. Still, you have no idea if they are doing it &quot;on purpose&quot; or not, so I think you lose nothing by asking top stop&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6520" LastEditorUserId="6520" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T19:43:40.887" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T19:43:40.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5900" CreationDate="2017-10-26T14:39:25.517" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to expand on a brief comment that was later removed, and say you should find a way to filter this out, because there is no good way to broach this, especially with strangers in public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a very strong possibility, if you do choose to approach someone about something like this, that they will decline to change their behavior, and/or will respond in a very rude and hostile fashion.  A request like that runs a strong possibility of being taken as a personal attack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastEditorUserId="6146" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T20:43:42.830" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T20:43:42.830" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5900" CreationDate="2017-10-26T15:10:56.500" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can empathize with this question, so please don't let the answer lead you to believe I'm insensitive to your plight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some uninvestigated reason, I cannot tune people out (I have never been able to. I remember complaining of &quot;noise pollution&quot; when I was very young.) TV, music, etc., yes. But there is something hardwired in me that makes it impossible to tune out real people. This has been a blessing and a curse, but mostly I dislike it. Like you, I would not be able to &quot;not hear&quot; the noises made by people nearby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the flip side, when I'm alone with my thoughts, I make habitual semi-involuntary noises when stressed in some way. (They aren't tics.) When I'm frustrated, I make a noise I absolutely hate, even when I'm &lt;em&gt;alone&lt;/em&gt;, and every time I make it, I'm annoyed with myself. But this noise seems to allow me to let go of my stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I can't not hear others, I sympathize with you. But I cannot imagine myself asking another person to stop making an annoying noise, much less &lt;em&gt;tactfully&lt;/em&gt;. First, they may be completely unaware they're making it, and asking them to stop it might lead to, &quot;What noise was I making?&quot; (I imagine a pretty funny conversation ensuing.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, it might embarrass the person, who might not be able to help it. (Imagine another scenario where someone can't help making the noise they do: &quot;Excuse me, sir, but can you stop moving your legs? Those metal braces are making a terrible noise that make my teeth hurt.&quot;) No one would dream of the latter, but the former may be as unpreventable as the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the noise is of the involuntary kind when people are deep in thought (tongue-clucking, tooth-tapping, etc - no, I don't do those) the only polite and tactful thing to do is to either move or use some noise barrier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're willing to risk it (embarrassing someone), though, or have no choice (there are no other seats available), you can lean over and whisper,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to ask you this, but I'm trying to study and I'm having trouble concentrating. I don't think you're aware of it, but you're making a fair amount of noise. Do you think you could work more quietly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then let the conversation take it's cues from his/her reaction. An apology makes it clear that you understand he may be inconvenienced by your request. Then thank him, once when you finish talking to him, and again when either one of you leaves. That shows that you really appreciated the effort you put him through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All bets are off if the noise is inconsiderate (talking on their cell, chewing gum loudly, humming, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T17:48:12.453" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T17:48:12.453" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5900" CreationDate="2017-10-26T15:11:20.623" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may be suffering from what has been called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;misophonia&lt;/a&gt;. This is not (yet?) officially recognized as a medical condition, but if you broach the subject in these terms, people might be more likely to be forthcoming and less likely to take offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, as the other answers show, a good IPS solution probably does not exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, you may therefore want to consider other non-IPS strategies to cope with this issue, not limited to headphones, such as habituation and learning to focus on something less irritating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T15:29:53.450" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T15:29:53.450" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5900" CreationDate="2017-10-26T16:08:07.510" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It doesn't really matter whether you can explain the noise or not. The point is that you're in a public space where everyone is supposed to be respectful of the others around them and should make an attempt to allow the space to be conducive to study.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm personally bothered by an odd collection of noises and find them very distracting but it can often be unpredictable when I'll be annoyed by something or not. A lot of these noises are things that are barely audible. I have very good hearing and things like radios turned down nearly all the way but not off or TVs in standby mode are things that I can hear and will often be unsettled by them until they're either turned off or up to a fully audible level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation requires some tact and some deference and respect on your part and a willingness to apologize if the noise happens to be something that they can not control. They don't &lt;strong&gt;have&lt;/strong&gt; to comply with or even consider your request but that doesn't mean you can't make one. Most people are reasonable people who are willing to be considerate of the others around them, particularly when they're doing something that they can control but were unaware that others could even hear or be bothered by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get their attention. &#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're sitting next to you, so give them a wave. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Smile - you're annoyed but don't show it in your face.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they have earbuds in, pantomime pulling them out of your own ears. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say &quot;Excuse me&quot;.&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;These things are open, friendly methods to get someone's attention.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Recognize that they're unlikely to be aware of what they're doing and how it's affecting you.&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're already smiling, keep that up by being careful to have a warm tone to your voice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt you. I'm guessing you're not aware of it but you're making some noises that are distracting to me and preventing me from being able to work.&quot;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You're showing that you've thought about it and are trying to respect them and asking them to respect your work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them whether they could stop doing whatever causes the noises.&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;If this is something you can control, could you please stop making the noise?&quot;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You have allowed for the possibility that they can't fix the problem, showing them that you will be understanding if it's a medical condition on their part causing the noise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give them the opportunity to respond and thank them. &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they apologize, accept the apology.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they explain that it's something that they can't control, accept that and thank them for letting you know (I've found that sometimes &lt;strong&gt;knowing&lt;/strong&gt; that the noise can't be prevented makes it annoy me less).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they say &quot;no&quot; or some other response that implies that they're not willing to consider your request, it's probably time to say &quot;OK, I understand. I'm sorry to bother you&quot; and find another solution, whether that's earbuds, moving to a different computer, or a different computer lab.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, it's going to be a bit awkward but be friendly and be willing to step back if necessary. You're not asking something that's unreasonable considering the space you're in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T16:13:45.000" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T16:13:45.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5907" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-26T16:14:43.777" Score="15" ViewCount="2856" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother has been giving my sister the silent treatment for the past three days, and it is affecting my mood (I can't focus on my studies), as I don't like seeing my family in conflict. I always felt that I'm a highly sensitive person and other people's negative emotion easily affect me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Malaysia. I'm 26, working on my Ph.D. away from home, and my sister is 23, living with my parents and brother while working full time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother is angry because she thinks that my sister is not spending enough time with the family and that she doesn't care about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I observed my sister spends less than 15 minutes per day interacting with the family as she works from 9 AM to 7 PM, 6 days per week (sometimes Sundays as well) and then often goes out to have dinner with friends. She mostly comes home only to shower and sleep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents similarly work long hours (10 to 7, Monday to Saturday), and my mother thinks that my sister is not willing to sacrifice some of her time with her friends. My father doesn't show approval nor disapproval, as he usually avoids conflict by not choosing any side. My younger brother is still in school, and I don't think he's bothered too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand my mother's point of view, however, I also understand that my sister has very little free time, and gets tired very easily. Furthermore, I think my mother is sometimes too controlling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are both very stubborn, and I'm not sure if they will get over this anytime soon. My sister's graduation ceremony will take place soon, and if this keeps up I'm afraid that my mother will not attend, making my sister feel sad and unwanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to get them to reconcile. But it doesn't necessarily have to be a total reconciliation: If I can get them to a point where I will be sure this doesn't affect my mother's attendance to my sister's graduation ceremony, I believe I can stop worrying and focus on my studies again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I handle intervening and getting them to reconcile? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7938" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-10-27T07:35:20.500" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T20:14:32.280" Title="How to deal with silent treatment between family members?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;malaysia&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5891" CreationDate="2017-10-26T16:40:17.607" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Close to the other answer, but I've always seen and used&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;meet today*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or just&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;meet*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second option can only really be used if it's really obvious where the mistake was. If you don't think it'll be clear, include 1-2 words around the mistake. Bonus points if those words are fairly unique, as it makes identifying that part of the text easier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7151" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T16:40:17.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5900" CreationDate="2017-10-26T17:28:20.240" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what you describe it seems like the noises in question are not something that people do consciously. I doubt that anyone thinks &quot;Hmm, it's 10:21 right now, I haven't done any air sucking in over 5 minutes, better do it now, unless someone objects, then I can reschedule&quot;. Basically it's (probably) something that people do without thinking, so to stop doing that they'd have to become hyperaware of these background habits. So if you approach them asking that, what you're essentially saying is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, this thing that you unconsciously do is preventing me from concentrating on my task, so could you please stop concentrating on &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; task, and focus on your mouth instead, k thx bye.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no good IPS way that I can think of, to tell someone that their concentration is less important than yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-26T17:34:10.653" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T17:34:10.653" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5543" CreationDate="2017-10-26T17:30:42.303" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Families and who gets money they didn't earn themselves can turn into a very toxic mix. Sometimes it's because one or another wants the money, which means hurtful priorities come into play.  Other times there are long-standing issues of selfishness, selflessness, favoritism or justice/equity that bubble to the surface.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to try and go back to your previous status - don't think about the money, expect none of it, and don't care about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, no, I'm not talking about ignoring the elephant in the room. I'm talking about not making the money, itself, a priority or issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it's not about the money, per se, and about your mom, whether it's controlling behavior when you are an adult, even beyond what should be hers to control, or what that says about her attitude about you, address that. Don't ask her to explain, defend, or justify, because if it's really about controlling behavior or an unfair or unflattering assumption about your character, the &quot;defense&quot; is only going to deepen any resentment. Instead, just let her know how it made you feel, and leave it at that. Maybe something like - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, I understand the reasons you've said you don't want grandma and grandpa to leave us anything as inheritance. I never really thought about or counted on getting anything, so it's really not about the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, the idea that you think we're so irresponsible and feckless that you have to go out of your way to make sure that grandma and grandpa cut us off from &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; chosen inheritance wishes is very disappointing to me, on a personal level. I hope you can understand why I'd feel this way, and I just wanted to let you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if she wants to get into that discussion, and justify, don't go there. Say specifically that she doesn't have to justify, just that, as her adult son, you thought it was appropriate and necessary to let her know how that made you feel.  And then do not keep it stored away to bring up, again, when family issues are aired. Put it to rest, for good, if you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As aside - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father's side of the family went through a lot of that twice, when his father died (before I was born) and when his mother died (after I was a fully-grown adult). He and his two brothers had a lot of long-standing issues. Alarmed by the very un-familial feuding that went on, my mother asked all of my siblings and I to request/identify items we'd like to have, so my parents could ID who they go to and avoid any post-death sibling battles and hard-feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The funny thing is, any items I really thought would be nice to have or had cultural value, were all met with the same reply &quot;your sister already asked for that.&quot; My initial, gut reaction was &quot;What? Why does she get everything that's worth asking for?&quot; So maybe their solution had the potential to create the same problem, just a few decades earlier. I put that aside, because of the object lesson of the generation before me. I said &quot;It doesn't matter, I don't need anything.&quot; This worried my mother. Eventually she said &quot;What about this crystal punch bowl set?&quot; - which I had no interest in. My response? &quot;Wow. Yes, that's really fancy. I can't believe I didn't think of that. I want it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever my dad makes references to our &quot;inheritance&quot; my response is always &quot;I expect you to enjoy your retirement enough to spend every penny you have. It's your money.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T17:30:42.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5907" CreationDate="2017-10-26T20:29:02.770" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This Question is way to broad for me to answer well, but hopefully I can give some advice that will help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take a closer look at your mother's motivations for wanting your sister around more. And take a closer look at why your sister doesn't want to be around much.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are no doubt much deeper motivations than what is being verbally expressed. Ask your Mom and Sister questions about what is going on between them and questions about life in general. Listen carefully, try to read between he lines and ever so carefully ask follow up questions. After a while you may get a deeper idea about what is going on. Only once you really know why they are both behaving the way they are, will you be able to figure out a solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-27T07:29:48.130" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T07:29:48.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5860" CreationDate="2017-10-26T20:30:50.813" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Read this book: Crucial Conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Follow the advice and have the conversation with her.  Probably write out your opening statements while looking through the book after you've read it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will NOT be a conversation about how she did something wrong.  It CAN be a conversation that leads to more understanding and closeness in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communication is probably the single most critical thing in relationships because we all see the universe differently.  This book outlines a skill set (and caring attitude) that is better than anything I've seen.  It's worth your time if you want the relationship to be a great one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also - women love a man who can communicate!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No - I have no affiliation with the authors or their companies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7943" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T20:30:50.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5914" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5907" CreationDate="2017-10-26T21:10:19.080" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Part of stubbornness is a dynamic that evolves where a lot of time, giving in, conceding or admitting fault of some sort would not be a bid deal, if it weren't a capitulation or reward for that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; party who is equally stubborn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The term &quot;cut off your nose to spite your face&quot; would apply to this. Even though it probably hurts them to do so, they feel that anger or pride more than their personal hurt, and hold onto that, figuring if the other person feels the hurt, too, then they can live with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You care about both of them, you aren't angry with them, so all you feel is the hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to gauge how deep the stubbornness goes and how far into the realm of &quot;spite&quot; this has evolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think it's a matter of them not wanting this, but not being able to be the one to make the step towards a cease-fire, then maybe you act as the third party to facilitate this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get them together, and tell them you have a problem you need their help with. You need for them to be able to resolve this, at least dialing it back to the level of truce, because you are getting caught in the cross-fire.  Their fight is deeply upsetting and hurting &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you,&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and you need their help to make it stop. Tell them you need them each to be willing to not try to assign blame, to not be invested in who is &quot;winning,&quot; and to be able to try and look at it from the other person's perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether this will work or not is going to be hit or miss.  A lot of the irritations and resentments may have years of accumulated incidents at the foundation, and with close family members who care for each other, any hurts are felt more deeply and held onto more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like your relationship with both are such that they genuinely would not want you to be hurt by this, then tell them what it is doing to you to see them like this. Their mutual desire to not cause you pain might be the bridge for them to stop lashing out at each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, it will depend on your assessment of how entrenched they are about this, and whether it bothers them that you feel this so keenly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2017-10-26T21:10:19.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5907" CreationDate="2017-10-27T06:33:00.203" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to play mediator between the two, you need to realize that it's a delicate job. Any sign of siding with either of them will be the end of it. With that out of the way, the first thing you need to do is open the lines of communication between them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get them talking!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first order of business would be to set up a meeting between the two, somewhere private like their house or outside, in a restaurant or coffeehouse. You have to weigh the pros and cons of either solution. Will a public place stop them from getting out of control and begin yelling and fighting? If not, maybe consider a private meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, the conversation itself. It would be wise to coach both of them separately. Give them a few ideas on how to behave during the meeting. Here are a few ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Discuss the positive in the relationship, its strengths, the good times etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then start to discuss the issue:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have them both explain their mistakes and how they could have contributed to the problems in the relationship&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pinpoint and name exactly the problem in the relationship. Being vague helps nobody.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suspend your ego. That's very important. You didn't come to this meeting to win an argument but to mend this relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What's next in the relationship? What is expected from each party involved going forward? The daughter to spend more time with the parents? The mother to give more breathing room to the daughter?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moving forward from that point is important. Making plans to meet and spend time together. Starting from something small like breakfast or dinner and move on to a movie night and hopefully your sister's graduation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have much time and want to fast track things, I would do the above meeting, tell each one of them what the other thinks is wrong (always staying impartial - that's key) and offer them your interpretation of things. If you're wrong, they will correct you and hopefully start talking. Maybe through you at the start but then you need to advise them to talk between them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, since this could easily go from bad to worse and blow up in your face, maybe it would be advisable for both of them to see a therapist together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this help, good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="6561" LastEditDate="2017-10-27T08:40:56.243" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T08:40:56.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4618" CreationDate="2017-10-27T07:01:41.377" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, kudos to you for being so honest. And I think the other answers are great advice.&#xA;However, I think the following points are yet missing. You ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I meet someone to date, how can I communicate clearly [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key point here is that this communication should not be a one-time thing you tell potential candidates only on your first date. There is no magic sentence that wards off emotions by your acquaintances for weeks, months or years. Especially if you send mixed signals:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Relationship&quot;, &quot;dating&quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The power of words should not be overestimated. Telling someone that you only want to 'have fun', while being there for them in difficult times, having sex together, sleeping in the same bed [I just assume you do this], being monogamous, among other things, sends signals that are very different from whatever you say. From my experience, people automatically expect romantic relationships to become more serious over time. This is not something you can change. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2031498/Sex-Why-makes-women-fall-love--just-makes-men-want-MORE.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This article&lt;/a&gt; even claims women automatically fall in love from sex alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From this I realized I didn't enjoy serious relationships, so I've avoided them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.iirp.edu/what-we-do/what-is-restorative-practices/defining-restorative/17-compass-of-shame&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Avoidance behaviour&lt;/a&gt; is rarely effective. This way, you are dealing with emotions, but not solving the problem. You're a firefighter spraying yourself (in order to cool yourself) instead of extinguishing the fire. You are now approaching 30. Around this age, two problems emerge for what I assume to be your current lifestyle:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your friends develop serious relationships and/or mature.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Women expect 'more' from men of your age.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To problem 1: Depending on your social circle, this might come sooner, later or might have already happened: Couples move in together, marry, have kids. Singles stay at home, use dating apps, focus on their career or simply go to bed early because they have to work the next day. Point being: Your friends won't do as much &lt;em&gt;cool&lt;/em&gt; stuff as they used to. And they will prioritize their partners. It will be hard for you to have as much fun with your friends as you used to. Their serious partners offer a lot of possibilities to simply 'have a good time'. You deny yourself these possibilites.&#xA;Problem 2: As you have mentioned yourself, the women you are attracted to generally want a more serious relationship. See problem 1.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solutions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution you want: Keep sex and friendship seperated, even if it means putting in more effort to continually find short-term sex partners and not being able to kiss your (female) friends at a concert.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution I consider more healthy: Seek psychotherapy. You already know what shapes your current relationship wishes: Your past relationships. That knowledge is a great starting point. However, you should ask yourself whether &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; future should be shaped by two people you don't even like anymore. A lot of people live great, satisfying relationships, free of cheating. It is possible for you, too. Also, you don't wake up with 35 and then you're magically able to open up to others emotionally and ready to sustain a serious relationship. You will have to face these problems sometime anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7964" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T07:01:41.377" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-27T07:36:20.500" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is me trying to figure out each one's position in this. Some ideas are from other answers, others are assumptions. You may need to adjust them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mom thinks her responsibility is to keep the house running and educate her children. There's obviously a gender issue here you will need to address too. She thinks of all of you as children. She has taught you hierarchy, so she gives order to all of you, but failed to taught responsibility, so when she's out the hierarchy breaks things don't get done. You OP are also a child, and get scolded, but probably are also Acting Mom in her eyes. Failing, by not staying to her perceptions of a Mom's responsibility, is not only your failure as Acting Mom, but her failure as Mom who hasn't taught their children properly. Again, she scolds you as if you were a child.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Elder sibling is an adult. Knows hierarchy, so when Mom is at home he reverts to Child and does chores. When Mom's out and hierarchy breaks, he becomes Adult again and won't accept you OP as higher in the hierarchy, because he is also an Adult. He knowns no responsibility and won't do chores. More than that, he knows that as a Male Adult he doesn't get involved in house cleaning because Male Adults don't have that as responsibility, or at least that's what he was taught. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Younger sibling is a child. Knows hierarchy and does chores when Mom is at home. When Mom's out he doesn't become Adult, but he's growing up and plays Adult, so the results is the same. And won't accept taking responsibility or hiearchy if the elder sibling rejects them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Where is Dad? What does he do?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to address the gender issue. You have to assert to your parents, specially your mom, that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;House cleaning is not her responsibility anymore, it's not Mom's responsibility. It is every adult's responsibility, in every home you OP or your brothers will ever be, and it should also be in your home (or at least keep the pretense of it). This involves your father too.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That your brothers don't understand that, and that she needs to set a proper example for them to learn. That relying the house cleaning responsibility in only you OP is not only unfair, but totally opposed to what your brothers need to learn.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That you will cooperate to educate them that, but your parents need to collaborate. That if she doesn't scold your brothers when they deserve, or does it but inadequately (focusing in the hierarchy and not in the responsibilities) you'll scold them, and she (and dad of course) must support you. That she must support you even if you have to scold your dad (he must take responsibility too, or at least recognize that your brothers must).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That her (and dad) will benefit too. That your brothers taking responsibility will make the house running better and with less effort for her (who still holds the responsibility alone). That they will be better prepared for their future relationships, and will have better homes. That they will be better prepared to care for her (and dad) when they grow older.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If all that fails, make sure she knows you OP will only accept your part of responsibility in house cleaning and no more, and by no means the responsibility to educate your brothers, one being already an adult, and the other being a child with so many bad examples of adults. That in the future, she can save her scolds, because you will no longer accept them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7963" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T07:36:20.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5921" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5924" CreationDate="2017-10-27T07:49:44.187" Score="31" ViewCount="6309" Body="&lt;p&gt;Quick background on the situation. My wife and I bought a vacation house with a friendly couple (we have known each other since the age of 3 - we're practically brothers) that we visit every so often. The house has a live-in caretaker (a 60+ year old woman) that takes care of the house and prepares it for when we visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During our last visit, a couple of weeks ago, I discovered that my friend's wife has zero respect for the caretaker's privacy, entering her room without the caretaker's consent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She does that to get to the east part of the garden quicker since the caretaker's balcony door is right at the edge of the garden, so passing through that room saves her 10 seconds of walking. Another instance was when she retrieved a book from the caretaker's room. This house has a rather large library and the caretaker often borrows books to read at night or on her free time. My friend's wife decided she needed that book and couldn't be bothered to ask her permission to take it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The caretaker told my wife about it yesterday over the phone and I was a bit dumbfounded at how inconsiderate a person can be. I consider that room as a separate unit that belongs to the caretaker. You wouldn't walk into another person's house to retrieve a book they have borrowed now, would you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am thinking of approaching my friend's wife directly but it's going to be a delicate matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I help her realize that she should respect the caretaker's privacy?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that this is probably only a small part of deeper character flaws and changing her view on the subject might be a colossal task, but I would like to give it a shot as a friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, I can just ask her to never enter the room again without consent but I am afraid she might push her husband to get the rid of the caretaker. I'd rather avoid that outcome since the caretaker has been working for my family for 20+ or years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-10-27T09:16:24.973" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T22:18:05.057" Title="How can I help someone realize that they should respect the staff's privacy?" Tags="&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;switzerland&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5921" CreationDate="2017-10-27T08:41:37.720" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't talk about this, she will continue this behavior and it might be difficult to change it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're saying that you're closer to that couple, you should talk about it with either your friend or his wife. Though, it is better to talk with his wife if you and her are also close and she also respects you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are about to talk about it with his wife, say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been noticing that you go via caretaker's room to get to garden quickly. However, it is not a good idea to do this without caretaker's consent &lt;strike&gt;, since she might be doing some work and not want to be disturbed&lt;/strike&gt;. You should care about her privacy. While it is okay to do it sometimes after asking her, but let's not make it a habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just imagine if you were in that room not wanting to be disturbed and I pass through it, how would you feel? She's been working here for more than 20 years. It's her workplace and home as well. Can't we do at least this small thing for her? Please go via other way. It will take only 10 seconds more and won't harm you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to talk about it with your friend, try something similar to above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Non-IPS solution:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try to change caretaker's room if possible. Though this is not an IPS solution nor the best one, but it is worth trying in the end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T13:24:50.723" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5921" CreationDate="2017-10-27T09:05:35.090" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't really need to beat around the bush here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something friendly yet remindful will work, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've noticed you've been entering the caretaker's room without knocking and without her consent. She's an employee of ours and has a reasonable expectation of privacy, as this is as much her home as her workplace. You wouldn't want someone to enter your room without knocking or asking, so please don't do it to her either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend probably just hasn't thought of that angle and this is friendly enough that it hardly could be percieved as an attack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T09:05:35.090" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5894" CreationDate="2017-10-27T09:56:43.963" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I spoke to my friend about how my relationship with his former crush&#xA;  was evolving into something bigger, and he assured me that he doesn't&#xA;  mind, doesn't like her anymore, and is not really in the position to&#xA;  say anything. Taking him at his word, I saw no reason not to move&#xA;  forward with our relationship when she confessed that she has feelings&#xA;  for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your friend gave you a green light, it's nice and considerate of you to have asked beforehand, because that wasn't obligatory, certainly...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, now my friend is saying that his previous statements were&#xA;  made only out of politeness. That he doesn't want to ruin our&#xA;  new-found relationship, but he actually hasn't gotten over her, which&#xA;  puts me in a really bad situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But trying to ruin your relationship &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; what he is doing with this. Whether he realizes it or not, that admission is going to put a strain on your relationship with either your friend or your girlfriend or both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know his actions are mostly due to his emotional turmoil. I think my&#xA;  friend is not stable at the moment, is honestly scaring me, and I&#xA;  don't know what his next action will be. I'd like to get more insight&#xA;  into what he feels and what he wants. I want to talk to him about&#xA;  this, so we can plan our future course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a very noble intention of you, but it sounds from everything else like that's only going to make matters worse. I'd recommend sitting it out and letting your friend get himself back together on his own. Be there when he wants to talk to you about it, but don't actively go seeking it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be he just needs some time to process this and come down from emotional turmoil, the source of which is your relationship with this girl now. So it's probably best to not actively remind him of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you also need to keep your girlfriend's feelings about this in mind. Make sure that in the process of trying to make amends with your friend you don't disregard her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T09:56:43.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5894" CreationDate="2017-10-27T10:22:01.880" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be polite with your friend and explain him the entire situation. You listed here how you feel and all that stuff, so tell him that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he understood it completely and assures you it's fine then it's all good. On the other hand, if he tries to do some comments in front of your friends, never meet your gf and friend at same place. I.e make sure your gf and friend should never see each other while you are with anyone of them. That way the problem won't arise :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7969" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-10-27T10:53:03.253" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T10:53:03.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5930" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5932" CreationDate="2017-10-27T11:19:58.637" Score="8" ViewCount="10657" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend is soon to undergo key-hole surgery on her knee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is constantly very anxious about the operation, which then brings her mood down, because it's all she can think about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I think she is over-thinking it, but minds work in different ways; it isn't uncommon for her to over-think certain situations. It's not that I don't understand the seriousness of the operation, I simply have a lot of faith in our doctors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The surgery is not too far away now, but if I can I'd like to help her keep a positive mind in the coming weeks. What can I try in this situation to take her mind off the operation (granted, unlikely) or, failing that, make her feel more comfortable about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3058" LastEditorUserId="372" LastEditDate="2017-10-27T11:29:26.757" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T10:17:52.303" Title="How best to comfort someone who is worried about an upcoming medical procedure?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5931" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5935" CreationDate="2017-10-27T11:25:55.357" Score="11" ViewCount="3385" Body="&lt;p&gt;My best friend and I (both male) were debating about going on a weekend trip next week. After a long talk, he finally said that he should leave his girlfriend for 2 days to be with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just one hour after that, his girlfriend said that it's been 3 years (they are together since that time too) since she's always thinking about suicide. Now he doesn't spend time away from her because he feels guilty when he leaves her alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying that his girlfriend is lying, that's not the question, just that he should leave her for some days because he has no social life anymore since she is not okay with letting him go without her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I point out everything that's wrong with his approach, since he is always complaining that he can't do anything without her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3837" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-10-27T14:05:53.060" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T18:49:16.950" Title="How to tell someone that he should go on vacation without his possessive girlfriend" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5932" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5930" CreationDate="2017-10-27T11:34:22.307" Score="12" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Talk with her about other stuff&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing that comes to mind is that you should try to comfort her by talking with her like you would normally do. About normal everyday stuff, about hobbies, about news from around the world. Play games with her, read together, watch TV together - whatever it is that the two of you are normally doing together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If that fails - talk about what the two of you are doing after the surgery&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just think about the future and talk about what events you might have planned for the time after the surgery. Maybe you two want to go to the park/cinema/... Again, whatever the two of you would normally do (and what is possible in the near time after the surgery).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;All in all - make her think about the positive things&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What will be better after the surgery? What will be easier? What can she do that she can't do now? What are problems she has today that she won't have anymore after the surgery?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take her mind off of the immediate surgery. That only allows negative thoughts to occupy her mind. Fill that mind with positive thoughts about the time after the supposedly (in her mind) dangerous operation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;But: remember that sometimes listening is better than proposing a solution&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to be there for her. Maybe she just needs someone who will listen. It's not important to take her mind off of the operation she just wants to voice her concerns. Talking will make her feel better. Try to understand her and the problems and fears she tells you about. Don't try to solve them immediately by citing papers or saying that you have faith in the doctors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just listen, nod occasionally and say &amp;quot;Everything will be alright, you will see. And afterwards we are going to a date in the park.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="372" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T11:34:22.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5900" CreationDate="2017-10-27T13:45:44.940" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My dad was crazy sensitive to noise when I was growing up. He has passed that along to me now and I can't stand any noises but music. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Buy a pair of good ear plugs, ones you can carry with you and reuse with a nice container to hold them. These things work pretty awesome, if you don't like them you can search Amazon for &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/B01G4WV664&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;High Fidelity Ear Plugs&lt;/a&gt;. Thank me later :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you must have confrontation, I would stick to something short and sweet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Excuse me, the noise(s) you are making with your mouth (or body part) are bothering me. Mind stopping?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are making them because of something medical, there is nothing offensive about the comment. They would more than likely say, &quot;I'm sorry, I cannot help it, blah blah&quot; and you would follow up with &quot;Oh, that makes it easier to deal with, sorry for interrupting you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't personally come across a medical reason but usually people just tell me &quot;Oh, I'm sorry&quot;, and stop making it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, just stare at them until they feel uncomfortable and leave :D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7975" LastEditorUserId="7975" LastEditDate="2017-10-27T20:41:33.150" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T20:41:33.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5931" CreationDate="2017-10-27T13:52:00.847" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friend is in an abusive relationship, and it's often very difficult for people in those situations to realize that that's the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking to him is not likely to be enough. Instead, do some research, and point him in the direction of some useful resources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Threatening to harm oneself if the other person doesn't do what you want them to is a form of psychological and emotional abuse, and a very powerful one at that. There are a lot of articles and YouTube videos on the subject, and I encourage you to inform yourself, then point your own friend at those resources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be beneficial to snag a couple of hours alone, and simply watch some of those videos together. Maybe get a group of you who genuinely care about him, and try to get through to him that he need not be alone in this terrible situation. Encourage him to get help, if not for him, then for his girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really care about him, don't simply write him off, help him overcome this terrible time in his life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T13:52:00.847" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5930" CreationDate="2017-10-27T14:46:08.213" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some valid points by Secespitus but I would like to propose another route.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I deal with this often at work, and I believe that the key to any pre- or post-surgery anxiety can be mitigated by being prepared. I would advise you to check with the hospital where she's going to have the surgery and ask about pre-surgery counselling. There are trained psychologists that can help with suggesting several coping techniques.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you cannot/will not see a psychologist, I can give you a few tips&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gather information about the surgery and recovery. Your doctor should be able to help on this. Knowing what the operation and the post-op entails can help one relax a bit only with just knowing how things will go down.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Discuss pain control so that she's prepared for the type of pain to expect and how to manage it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Discuss her fears and concerns with her doctor.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can only also look online for any resources surrounding her surgery. Many countries also have Computer Assisted Instructions (CAI) that are computer interactive services that improve presurgical preparations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T14:46:08.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5939" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5930" CreationDate="2017-10-27T16:19:22.780" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Fear is the mind killer&quot; as they say. My experience with several people (family, coworkers) who are plagued by frequent fears is that it is very hard indeed to change that through talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are asking &quot;how to comfort&quot;. I would suggest that you do literally that. Take her in your arms, let her talk - but try to gently steer her out of the death spiral where they talk themselves ever deeper into the fear (&quot;they might slip, and then they cut off some tendon, and then I can never walk again and....&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really, the only real, practical help against fear, especially fear of the unknown/the future are, in my opinion and experience, things like meditation (specifically buddhist Vipassana, which, even at a very beginner level, makes you sense how your own mind races in endless loops), relaxation and such. Is she at all into this? I cannot really tell you if you can go that route, but if you think that my work, it would be a great time to put it to the test.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T16:19:22.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5921" CreationDate="2017-10-27T16:36:42.637" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In many places a live in caretaker's lodging is considered part of their compensation for the work they do. I am not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV, but violating the caretaker's privacy could very likely have legal consequences. At the very least it's incredibly rude, at worst you and your friends could be open to breach of contract, labor law violations and an expensive law suit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start with a soft touch and simply ask that the people not enter the caretaker's room without expressed permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, try to keep in mind that this is the caretaker's private lodging.  As long as they work here and take care of the house that room is their home. Please don't forget that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, it's probably worth mentioning the potential consequences of violating the care taker's privacy. These consequences will probably differ by country and contract, so you may need to look it up first, but being aware of your employees rights in the situation is probably a smart thing to do regardless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; A worst case, may be something along the lines of being sued for an amount related to the value of the private lodging, backdated to the beginning on the contract, which I would guess would be an awful lot of money. &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&#xA;I'm somewhat familiar with these kind of arrangements, because they're relatively common in my industry. The value of lodging is often considered at market value, which is usually high.&#xA;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T16:36:42.637" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5921" CreationDate="2017-10-27T18:48:50.610" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, people tend to get defensive when confronted directly and may not respond as well as you might want. While you do need to let her know her behaviour is unacceptable, I would recommend a less confrontational approach: a group email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By sending an email to your wife, your friend and your friend's wife, you can phrase the request in a more generic way and without assigning blame. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey everyone!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Our caretaker has informed me that she has noticed people entering her bedroom without her permission. I'd like to remind everyone that this is her personal space and we need to respect her privacy. If you need into her room for any reason, please be sure to get her permission first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the problem persists, you can try a more direct approach but I would lead with the group email to spare her any potential embarrassment at being singled out and avoid her automatically assuming a defensive posture that could lead to a larger conflict. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5366" LastEditorUserId="5366" LastEditDate="2017-10-30T22:18:05.057" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T22:18:05.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5931" CreationDate="2017-10-27T18:49:16.950" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having read comments and question I have to say I'm getting quite a different view of this than some people seem to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My best friend and I (both male) were debating about going on a weekend trip next week. After a long talk, he finally said that he should leave his girlfriend for 2 days to be with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So no problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just one hour after that, his girlfriend said that it's been 3 years (they are together since that time too) since she's always thinking about suicide. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She didn't &lt;em&gt;threaten&lt;/em&gt; suicide, she apparently just mentioned it.  There's no hint here or in your comments that it was a threat (you actually state it was &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a threat in a comment).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So actually this could be interpreted as someone simply expressing how important their significant other is to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't even say she demanded he not go on the trip or take her along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;THere's actually no problem with her actions as far as I can make out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now he doesn't spend time away from her because he feels guilty when he leaves her alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; guilty feeling, not hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a practical sense it sounds like he's as much the problem, if not all of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He probably should go on the trip simply so they do spend time apart and learn it's quite possible and reasonable to.  But there is no hint in your remarks that she has a problem with this at all.  Only that &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; has a problem with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not saying that his girlfriend is lying, that's not the question, just that he should leave her for some days because he has no social life anymore since she is not okay with letting him go without her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did she say that ?  That's not what you said.  And your comments seem to contradict this.  She didn't make a threat.  She doesn't seem to have made a demand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, incidentally, people in long term relationships often do fall into patterns of not going out often without each other.  I think you may be reading far more into this than is actually there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I point out everything that's wrong with his approach, since he is always complaining that he can't do anything without her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How much of that is &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; feeling guilty for no reason ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is she actually a problem ?  It's certainly at least ambivalent from your question and comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you considered that &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; may be the one who is reluctant to leave &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; alone ?  Maybe he's blaming her for this, when she's quite innocent.  I have a friend who tends to cut his (rare) evenings out with the lads short and I think it's down to his own sense of discomfort at not being comfortably at home with the wife.  Some blokes &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; their domestic role more than they like to let on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of your negative information on her seems to be from him with one exception :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I already saw her becoming crazy because an ex female friend (not gf) was talking to him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have news for you : current girlfriends don't like it one little bit when you start talking to your ex-girlfriends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless she pulled a knife, started throwing objects or committed an actual assault (when sober - drunk doesn't count for judging her general mental state) then this could be just simple jealousy and not in the least unusual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly you could be building a mare's nest out of nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to step back from this and reconsider what you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;reliably&lt;/em&gt; know. Not just what your friend tells you, but what you can independently vouch for and which you know all the facts about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T18:49:16.950" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5945" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5946" CreationDate="2017-10-27T21:32:45.320" Score="2" ViewCount="2744" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The illness&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is this Israeli girl (let's call her Amy) who I know for a few years now (I'm living in Germany). Her mental state got worse over the last years: Amy has depressions, an eating disorder, no self confidence and maybe a narcissistic disorder (that's what a therapist said). Additionally, she has a problem with authorities, no real friends left (only online ones like me), her mom is probably narcissistic, too (that's what I think), and they have a very difficult relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Resignation, breaking off contact and talking again&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the problem got worse, I tried to urge her to go to therapy for months. Eventually I resigned (like her mom) and broke off contact. Half a year later, she wrote me, being highly suicidal. Of course I talked her out if it. I started to talk with her again and she got a bit better. I urged her again to go to the therapist, but after she dropped out of school, she had to go to the army and had no opportunity to go to therapy anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The current situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two weeks ago she told me that she tried to kill herself, but failed. She wanted to hang herself but the construction broke. I know her well enough to believe it (she dropped hints already). A few days afterwards she was allowed to leave the army permanently due to her condition. Although I am the only one she talks to about her mental health, she has trust issues (I left her once). When I urged her to go to therapy again, she asked me if I will leave her again in case she went to therapy. I told her that I will certainly, if she won't go. Unfortunately, I was not very understanding, but I got my point across telling her that she needs to go to become healthy again and that I won't accept her not going to therapy. That was ten days ago and we didn't speak since. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Amy was pulling me down (and is still a bit). I didn't pay attention to it since she was and is still suicidal. I planned to help her as much as I can, but since she does still not accept any help, it's time for me to let go. I thought about trying to force her into a closed facility, but she wouldn't let them help her either.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;She might write me if she wants to kill herself and I will not be able to ignore her. Should I block her on all channels?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7678" LastEditorUserId="1703" LastEditDate="2017-10-27T23:39:21.523" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T23:39:21.523" Title="Blocking a suicidal friend?" Tags="&lt;depression&gt;&lt;suicide&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-10-27T23:14:30.570" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5945" CreationDate="2017-10-27T22:45:04.610" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to take a stab at this, just because we get a lot of these...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advice I received from a licensed psychiatrist, for dealing with suicidal people in person, or over the phone, in my own community, was to treat every suicide threat as legitimate and call the authorities. Where I live in the US, they treat these things seriously and dispatch first responders and take suicidal people in for observation and counseling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person you're dealing with is someone you're close enough to, to know their full name and where they live this may be the best option. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether this is an actual suicidal person or just someone crying out for attention is kind of immaterial. A cry for help is a cry for help. When someone is talking about suicide they need professional help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's ok to be clear about what kind of help you're willing or able to provide. It's also ok to tell people directly that you can't offer the help they really need. Sadly I've had to do this on a few occasions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know I care about you. I care about you so much that I can't watch you self destruct anymore. Please find a therapist that can offer you the help you need. Until you're seeking treatment I'll have to maintain some distance. I'm sorry, but it's not healthy for either of us to go on like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leave the channels open and be clear that you're open to reconnecting after they start treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people will refuse treatment until it's their only option. If you're interested in helping this person make it clear that that's the only help you're willing or able to offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This related post has some pretty good resources and contact numbers for suicide prevention: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/371/59&quot;&gt;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/371/59&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-27T23:00:35.153" LastActivityDate="2017-10-27T23:00:35.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3253" CreationDate="2017-10-28T04:22:16.790" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Find a copy of &quot;Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me&quot; by Weird Al Yankovic and send it to &lt;em&gt;them.&lt;/em&gt;  It's amusing enough to take some of the edge off of your rejection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although if that doesn't work, I would go with what was mentioned above: blocking.  If &quot;Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me&quot; doesn't work, make a direct complaint, and if that doesn't work or if they start arguing with you, send them a message saying &quot;you are now blocked because you keep sending me unwanted 'cute' content&quot; and then block them.  After about a week, unblock them and send them a message saying you have.  Repeat as needed (lengthening the duration of the block each time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T04:22:16.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5951" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6945" CreationDate="2017-10-28T05:53:44.483" Score="26" ViewCount="7298" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a 2001 Oldsmobile Aurora that I paid $1100 for one year ago. It was a very nice car, even though it was 16 years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have MS and driving has become kind of scary; I feel I am a danger to myself and everyone else on the road. So, when a new friend's (&quot;Dan's&quot;) car broke down (hopelessly) and he couldn't get to work, I made him a deal. I told him that he could use my car as if it was his if he would drive me to appointments/shopping once or twice a week. His work schedule is such that he can do that as long as I avoid making appointments during certain hours. I kept paying the required liability insurance and the car remains in my name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About a month ago, he gave me a ride to the store and I saw a warning on the dash that the oil pressure was low. He said, &quot;Yeah, I just checked it. It's a quart low; I'll put oil in it when I get home.&quot; A mutual friend told me he said the same thing to him the next day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dan called and told me that the car had up and suddenly died. The mutual friend (a mechanic) towed it home and checked it out. The oil was &lt;em&gt;completely&lt;/em&gt; empty and dry, and the engine had seized. He tells me that it would cost significantly more than the car is worth to get it to run again. He confronted Dan, and Dan pretty much copped to lying to both of us, being very irresponsible, and killing my car. He apologized and said he owed me a car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told myself when we made this arrangement that it could cost me a car if he got in an accident since I only carry liability insurance, so I was kind of emotionally prepared. I decided that the friendship was worth trying to save, so I made him a deal. I told him that he could buy another car when he could and put it in my name (on paper only). Then I would register the car and continue to pay the insurance in return for chauffeur service. Alaska allows one auto to be registered for free if the owner qualifies for handicapped plates (which I do). Further, he could &quot;buy me out&quot; over time with driving and other easy work that I would &quot;pay&quot; at $20/hour until $1100 is reached (for which he has plenty of time). At that point, the car would be his without strings. He agreed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dan just received his and his daughter's &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alaska_Permanent_Fund&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Alaska Permanent Fund Dividend&lt;/a&gt; ($2200 total) and has been looking for a car for a few days. Now he's dodging my calls and I'm feeling screwed. I'm also going stir-crazy because I've been stuck home with no car for three weeks. My dividend was spent before all this happened, so buying a car for myself is not an option right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm at a loss. I enjoy Dan's company and I actually still care for him. I was hopeful that we'd get past this with little pain but now I'm afraid that's a pipe dream. &lt;strong&gt;I need transportation and I'd like to keep my friend&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say to him when I see him again (probably this weekend) to possibly see my needs here and that not screwing me over could be in his best interest? I probably won't try to sue him even if a lawyer says I have a case, but I'm willing to threaten him with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5771" LastEditorUserId="5771" LastEditDate="2017-10-28T07:25:33.110" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T16:52:32.347" Title="A friend killed my car. What now?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;negotiation&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3807" CreationDate="2017-10-28T14:03:29.877" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pushing is only marginally acceptable.  Sometimes you have to squeeze by another, and the only way to do that is by using a bit of gentle pressure to get past.  Especially if you have to do so to get &lt;em&gt;off&lt;/em&gt; (or miss your stop) or if someone behind you also needs to get by and is waiting for you to move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pushing is &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; acceptable when there's just no more room for another person, and pushing isn't going to accomplish anything except making things unbearably tight for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I live, many people have the habit of getting on -- and then stopping (and blocking the entrance).  In this case I &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; push (but just the minimum amount necessary) because they're acting as if they are the last ones who need to get on.  Other people want to get on too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than the above exceptions, &lt;em&gt;don't push!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last comment: look for a spot &lt;em&gt;not close&lt;/em&gt; to the doors and move there if you can.  There is usually more room there, and it's a good place to grab a seat from if one opens up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T14:03:29.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5956" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5951" CreationDate="2017-10-28T14:09:02.593" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems likely that Dan is dodging your calls because he's reluctant to meet his end of the deal. It also seems likely that while you could sue for damages that the case would be more expensive than it's worth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More or less, the $1100 car with a year's depreciation would probably be valued at $700-800 and it sounds like there's a good chance that it may be &amp;quot;non actionable&amp;quot; meaning that even if you sue and win, if he doesn't have the money it doesn't really do you any good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not a lawyer, just pointing out some of the more obvious stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, your least bad option is probably going to be honest communication with Dan. Stress that you're more concerned with getting to your doctor's appointments and to the grocery store, as well as repairing the damaged relationship, than you are about the car or the small sum of money owed. Taking a gentle approach may bring him around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey Dan, I really want to repair our friendship first and foremost. You know how badly I need transportation to the doctors' and the store, but I don't want to throw our friendship out over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want this situation to ruin things for either of us. Let's talk and try to work things out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it's better to appeal to someone's better nature than to come out swinging. I know he kinda deserves it at this point, but it's likely to make him shut down and withdraw further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T14:09:02.593" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1633" CreationDate="2017-10-28T14:11:10.793" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good rule of thumb for a neutral eye contact would be 1/3 to 1/2 second.  (By neutral I mean not a prelude for hitting on, begging, making a sale, making a complaint, making a demand, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above also works well for flight security/customs inspectors; anything more or less comes across as suspicious.  (Disclaimer: I have never tried to get past the above with something I should not have had.  But I was pulled over for a more detailed inspection many times until I figured out the above.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I'm at it, if you're looking in someone's &lt;em&gt;general&lt;/em&gt; direction, and they start looking at you as if to say why are you looking at me, then move your gaze so you're looking &lt;em&gt;directly&lt;/em&gt; at them, then after 1/4 second, look away.  You'll come across as wondering why they were looking at you rather than you looking at them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T14:11:10.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5951" CreationDate="2017-10-28T14:13:28.497" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your so-called friend killed your car and wriggles out of his promises.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeating some of your own points back at you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You did your friend a great favour.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You gave him free transportation to go to work. Good for you. You got something back (until the oil ran out).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The first car was starved of oil and died.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Even after repeated timely warnings. This is neglect of another's property. Not good.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You need a favour back and it was promised to you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Apart from the lying bit after being caught out, this is not too bad, yes?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your 'friend' not only lies, he does not keep his promises.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;An agreement was made. New car and all. But it fails to materialize. You are, painfully, stuck because of this.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Adding it all up, I see only one approach. Sadly.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Stop expecting &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; from your friend. You may care about him, I see him caring about himself only.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain to him, brutally clear, what your problems are right now: No car, no transportation, and growing insecurity about your prospects.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to do this in a separate, later conversation depending on how the previous point went down:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask your friend how he feels about the whole situation. He may have legit reasons why it does not work for him, and he may be hesitant about coming clear because of your dependence. In fact, that very dependence may put him off.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you are pleasantly surprised during the two previous and potentially painful points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find another way to get what you need. This 'friendship' up until now went only one way. Either pull out entirely or settle down with what he deigns to share with you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck... (And I'm still wondering how he is getting to work these days?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-10-28T14:48:11.610" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T14:48:11.610" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5959" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1354" CreationDate="2017-10-28T14:21:18.777" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Naturally, the correct side to pass on is whichever side means &lt;em&gt;the shortest distance&lt;/em&gt; for you to travel to get past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When two people approach each other on the skew, that is, when the line of travel of person A is parallel to but not identical to the line of travel of person B, it's simple: if the shortest distance for A is to the east, then the shortest distance for B is to the west.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But when two people approach each other &lt;strong&gt;directly&lt;/strong&gt;, either way is as short as the other -- so you pick one at random and try to proceed that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if both people pick east, that's when you get the shuffle.  No big deal; just keep shuffling until you figure it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And no apology (or feeling bad) is necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T14:21:18.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5963" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5951" CreationDate="2017-10-28T15:19:07.580" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am so sorry this has happened to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The major reason most decent people would not be returning your calls right now is &lt;em&gt;guilt&lt;/em&gt;. I doubt he wants to hurt you; his initial behavior (driving you around) and response (&quot;I'm owe you a car&quot;) were those of a decent person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's just irrevocably irresponsible and talking to you reminds him of that. Not many people like to face their faults so often, so... no answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need transportation and I'd like to keep my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure you can rely on both of these things from the same person. If keeping your friend is a priority, you need to &quot;forgive the debt&quot; of the car. The first thing to do is to relieve him of his guilt to the extent that you can. A text something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Dan, I really want to repair our friendship. You made a mistake, and I don't want to throw away our friendship because of it. We all make mistakes. Can we talk and focus on whether we can save the relationship or not? Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I dropped the importance of transportation, because I'm guessing that is something he can't or has decided he won't commit to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Threatening him with a lawyer's action will pretty much guarantee that you will never talk to him as a friend again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can get to be friends again, you can maybe get him to agree to drive you around for a small fee, no other strings attached. But frankly, he's shown himself to be pretty irresponsible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to negotiate something (which I think might be difficult, but doable if you've become friends again), make sure everything is in writing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need a car more than a friend, that's when the lawyer comes in. You have witnesses on your side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I'm sorry you're in this position. &lt;em&gt;Good&lt;/em&gt; friends are not easy to come by. I wish you luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;If you need to make different arrangements that require cash, is a &lt;em&gt;GoFundMe&lt;/em&gt; page possible?&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-10-28T15:24:35.913" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T15:24:35.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5966" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5972" CreationDate="2017-10-28T16:28:38.580" Score="4" ViewCount="774" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 21 years old male and live with my parents. My father and I both have a temper on us and had a lot of disagreements over the years, but they’ve always were settled quite amicably. However, recently, whenever I voice a disagreement with him, it turns into a huge argument, generally with him ending with some variation of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“you don’t agree with me on principle” &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“you never agree with me because you don’t respect me”. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It progressed until the silliest things can set him off, for example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;me not liking my own new haircut (I used to have long hair),&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;or not agreeing vehemently enough with his political views (I do agree with them, but calmly).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find myself really stressed whenever I have to talk to him for fear of setting him off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I convince him that having different views does not mean I disrespect him?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7999" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-28T16:33:17.773" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T10:02:30.957" Title="How do I convey my disagreement with my father without disrespecting him?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;russia&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5967" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5969" CreationDate="2017-10-28T17:03:13.290" Score="64" ViewCount="15243" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some weeks ago my girlfriend and I invited another couple to our home, which is about 15 minutes away from theirs. I hadn't seen them in years and my girlfriend didn't know them at all. So they got to know each other. We had a nice conversation and everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Around 6 PM (they arrived at 1 PM) I was starting to get nervous because I had an important meeting with a friend at 7 PM I could not postpone. I made a mistake by not telling the other couple in advance that I had to do things at 7 PM, because I didn't expect them to stay that long in the first place. They enjoyed our company and didn't seem to want to leave soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally (and luckily) somewhere around 6.45 PM they decided to leave. I kind of supported them in their intent by not saying things like &quot;Oh, what a pity. You could have stayed a little longer.&quot; but rather &quot;Okay, it's getting late, we have to prepare for tomorrow's work day.&quot; in order to make them leave immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The whole time I was wondering how to tell them to leave without making them feel bad. I was thinking about how bad my excuse would sound, although it was true. How can one handle such a situation properly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please don't tell me to avoid such situations by informing people in advance about my plans. I know I made a mistake there. The question is about how to handle such situations when you missed the opportunity to tell them about your plans in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7285" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-01-07T22:39:59.023" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T22:39:59.023" Title="How can I ask my guests to leave?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5967" CreationDate="2017-10-28T17:18:49.363" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;When a friend of mine needs to do something or is simply tired, he just explains so. It is also a good idea to not to tell them when you want them to leave immediately, but to tell them a bit earlier (1/2 hour is early enough).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, if your guests are having fun they can mentally prepare better to leave, and it doesn't come as something abrupt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastEditorUserId="3112" LastEditDate="2017-10-30T19:24:06.370" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T19:24:06.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5967" CreationDate="2017-10-28T17:26:52.040" Score="117" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's nothing wrong with the truth in these cases. You could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh my goodness, I can't believe it's 6:30! The time has flown by hasn't it? I actually have a 7 o'clock thing I need to get ready for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can, if you genuinely had a great time and kind of wish it wasn't ending, immediately try to schedule the next get together:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This has been so fun, let's do it again next weekend. Are you free Friday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may agree to a time and date on the spot, or may say they need to check their calendars at home, which most people would have to. Since they live close by and you had a great time, you can see them pretty often if you want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to say &quot;I never thought we would be able to talk for so long&quot; or anything else that implies you weren't expecting to have a great time. Just focus on the fact that you have really enjoyed this time and talking to them. After all, they have things to do too and aren't going to move in and live with you, so they have to leave eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T17:26:52.040" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5970" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5966" CreationDate="2017-10-28T17:39:13.360" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Small turns of phrase can make all the difference here. Disagreeing is harder than agreeing, so let's start with that. You should do X or you shouldn't have done X or every who does X (like you) is Y (a bad thing.) And you disagree. Compare these replies:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;things have changed, Dad, and pretty much nobody thinks that anymore&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know that's how it used to be, but these days, it's more like ABC&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not Y, as you know, and I like to X&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know better than to be Y, you raised me right. I don't think everyone who does X is Y. I'm certainly not&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first one is all about how wrong he is. The last one actively praises his parenting and reaffirms the thing he cares about (that you're not Y) while still asserting you want to X.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same with agreeing. You can agree like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I guess you might have a point&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can see how you might feel that way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They should do that, I suppose, not that anything will really change&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're right, they should. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That's a really interesting angle on it. I think you're right&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Putting it that way really brings out the key point. [Paraphrase what he said.]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Heh, I think I'll use that explanation next time we're arguing about this at [some place you go with your peers without him.] It really makes it clear.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now obviously these don't apply to simple assertions of opinion, like &quot;Politician A is an imbecile/criminal/embarrassment&quot; or &quot;Politician B is totally going to win the next election.&quot; But if he is sharing his logic or explaining a view, you can show that you're genuinely listening and that you think his points are valid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way to show respect is not to interrupt, to let people finish their sentences and make their points. You can also pause a little while before replying. When people reply immediately, especially if their reply changes the subject a little, I hear &lt;em&gt;&quot;Oh good, she has stopped flapping her mouth, that means it's my turn to talk, here's what I think is important&quot;&lt;/em&gt; Waiting a moment and responding to what he actually said to indicate that you were listening is more respectful. In a family situation this can be hard to do because both of you have made these same points many a time and you know where you Dad is going with his Politician A is an embarrassment speech and you would just like to cut that off and talk about something more interesting. But think about the response that causes in him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T17:39:13.360" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5971" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-28T20:17:25.147" Score="2" ViewCount="13784" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a tutor I have to ask students to pay their fees. Most of them pay the fees but almost at the end of the course. None pay within the first month or so. Most students feel urging them to pay their fee is annoying and suggests that my interest is only to make money, rather than teaching them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why don't people understand and respect the teacher's point of view also? People spend money on foolish things -- that's their choice -- but when it comes to pay someone and they can't, that choice becomes careless.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8005" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-10-28T21:52:28.007" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T02:19:56.513" Title="How to ask someone to pay fees on time" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5972" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5966" CreationDate="2017-10-28T21:41:42.660" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know what's going on with your dad, how new this is, if there are any other stressors in his life. It may be that your adulthood and impending independence is a threat to him. After all, he's always been your father and he's used to you needing him/his counsel/etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing has changed, and nothing you've tried calms him down, you need to set a boundary. Boundaries are important for healthy relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an adult with a mind, you're allowed to have your own opinions. Refuse to have an argument with him. It's actually possible. It costs you something, but it's possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time he wants to &quot;discuss&quot; something you know is volatile, tell him calmly that you won't talk about that subject anymore. You want to convey that you still respect your father, so this has to be done with care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dad, I love you. I agree with a lot of what you have to say, but not everything. And because I love and respect you, It hurts me when we get into these huge arguments. So, I'm not going to discuss (x) with you anymore. I hope you understand that it's not because I don't respect your opinion. I do. It's just that we don't agree on everything, and I don't want to fight any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's not a lot of things to come back on this with, but he'll probably find something if he's feeling negative. If he does come back with an argumentative statement or an accusation, repeat some variant of the same statement. Repeat until he stops, or you get up and move to a different part of the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this every time a particular subject comes up. Not most of the time, not when you're too tired to talk, but every time. Eventually the behavior will change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said it will cost you. You won't be able to have as many discussions with your dad as before. You will have to remove yourself even if it's inconvenient. You'll have to deal with his resistance. But if you keep the message the same, it should eventually work with most people. And you will both be in a better place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T21:41:42.660" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5971" CreationDate="2017-10-28T21:49:59.650" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key here is to flip the embarrassment around. Nobody ever wants to admit they need to be paid. We all like to pretend we are independently wealthy and don't have to worry about petty stuff like our invoices. But when people don't pay us, they force us to admit the shameful truth that being paid is an important part of the reason why we are providing this service to them. We feel bad having to say that. They should feel worse putting us in a position to have to say it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should be tracking each student's payments somehow, on paper or in a spreadsheet. If the agreed fee is &quot;10 a session&quot;, and after 3 sessions they have given you 20, they are still 10 behind, yes? At the start of the session, if they are behind, you greet them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good evening, I hope you're ready for a great session. I believe you have 20 for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they look puzzled or say &quot;Why 20?&quot; or something like that, or if they indicate they have no money for you, you show them the paper on which you track (only their) payments, or your screen where the history of everyone except them is white text on a white background, so they see only their own, and reply&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You have had 3 sessions and only paid 20 so far, so you are behind 10, and today's session makes 20. Do you have 20 for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say no (and at this point they should be looking ashamed and embarrassed) then you are the noble one. You aren't going to let their forgetfulness get in the way of the learning process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see. Well, then you will bring 30 next session. I will make a note that you will do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And make the note. &quot;Bringing 30 on the 17th.&quot; Now there is a concrete obligation. Not a vague &quot;oh yeah I suppose I should probably pay my tutor some time.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is annoying to be asked to pay. They can avoid this annoyance by paying before they are asked. That is one of the things you can teach them in addition to the scheduled subject matter :-) You can also offer to take advance payment and you will let them know when it is used up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T21:49:59.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5971" CreationDate="2017-10-28T22:15:23.760" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a &lt;a href=&quot;https://bankuei.wordpress.com/2010/03/27/the-same-page-tool/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;very good tool&lt;/a&gt; for role playing games, called the &quot;Same Page&quot; tool. It's used when a gaming group comes together, to ensure that the people that are going to be spending significant amounts of time on a game are looking for the same things (or at least similar) out of the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you didn't do something like this at the start, then you will need to level set with your students, especially the ones that are behind. Nobody expects you to work for free, but if you make it easy for them to avoid paying, many will (Either out of forgetfulness or neglect). You would need to emphasize the necessity of on time payments on a per session (or other arrangement, you could do something like $20 per session or $16 per session for a 10 lesson payment, things like that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may have to get to the point of withholding services. You are a commodity (knowledge of a subject) that they are attempting to utilize to better understand. Your time = money (Trite, but very true). If you spend your time and knowledge and do not get anything in return, then you can't pay bills, eat, etc. Also, you say that many don't pay until the end of the course? What happens if they just stop responding? After all, they aren't being tutored any more, what is the incentive to make up the back fees?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they can't pay it all, offer to work for them. If you charge $20 (I am assuming US dollars) per session, let them know that you will work with them, they can pay $20 for the session and $10 makeup fee until the back fees are paid, and that in the future all money is due at the start of a session.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask why, you can respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I have had some students that have not paid for the tutoring service, which places a burden on me. To prevent this and enable me to continue tutoring, I need to implement this system. I appreciate your understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something along those lines, whatever you are comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, I would have (if you don't already), have a written contract that spells out the responsibilities (Of both you and the student). You agree to show up on time, be available, give notice of obstacles, etc. They agree to show up, do the work, pay, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The downside is that you may have to eat some fees or lose a student or two. If the payment structure was unclear, and now you are enforcing it, some may feel that it is a surprise and not like it. But bottom line, you need to do what you need to in order to keep tutoring and still make the money you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-10-28T22:15:23.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5975" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5967" CreationDate="2017-10-29T01:11:25.817" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was thinking about how bad my excuse would sound, although it was true. How can one handle such a situation properly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About 15 minutes when you would have needed to leave your home, you should have matter-of-factly told them that you made plans to meet up with someone at X PM and ask them if they wanted to go grab a coffee. The point is that you are walking them out of your home while also setting out to your destination. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The whole time I was wondering how to tell them to leave without making them feel bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do that by luring them out of your home first. The coffee is a good way to part ways after completing a short, social activity with a clearly defined beginning and end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8011" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T01:11:25.817" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5976" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5971" CreationDate="2017-10-29T02:19:56.513" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Welcome to Business 101. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the first thing to get clear in your head is that &lt;strong&gt;you are running a business&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As a tutor I have to ask students to pay their fees. Most of them pay the fees but almost at the end of the course. None pay within the first month or so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Five basic business actions :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The contract.  You need a written agreement signed by your clients.  That should explicitly list payments and schedules for those payments along with your own responsibilities (what they get for their money).  Without this all your complaints are just wasted effort.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you want advance payments you encourage this with discounts for it.  For example 10% off when you pay for all sessions in advance.  A refund policy is also something you need.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Cancellations and no-shows.  Typically people who don't show up or cancel at short notice (i.e. too late for you to replace them with someone else) are penalized - it still costs them part or all of the normal fee.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Late payments.  These attract penalties.  How rigorously you enforce this is your own business, but there's a difference between exceptions for humanly justifiable reasons and being exploited.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give people as many ways as possible to pay you as easily as possible.  A lot of people live online these days so give them a way to pay you through e.g. PayPal.  Sure you have to pay a fee for these services, but a small fee is better than you not getting paid at all.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Most students feel urging them to pay their fee is annoying and suggests that my interest is only to make money, rather than teaching them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well students do need to understand that you're not a charity.  This is how you earn a living.  You don't do this for fun ( are you at the beach ?  are you on holiday ?  no, you're teaching. ).  Anyone who has a problem with this needs to simply understand that this is the real world and you have financial responsibilities of your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What else other people do with their money is not your concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your concern is having a well defined agreement that includes payment information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; learn to be strict.  No payment, no more services.  Exceptions should be at your own discretion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T02:19:56.513" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5977" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-29T04:09:04.770" Score="12" ViewCount="1870" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been struggling with a recurring problem with my immediate supervisor at work for the last year or so. He tends to take a very lax attitude when it comes to safety policies, procedures, and maintaining safety equipment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This attitude has repeatedly put customers and staff in very real danger of serious bodily injury.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everytime I have to question him about a particular decision he responds with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not that big a deal, don't worry about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's only a few people, they'll be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've already had a few major incidents where things went really wrong and another co-worker and I had to go out on rescue missions to help customers who got jammed up by his poor judgment. Only to find that our equipment didn't work properly and none of it was set up ahead of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The general attitude of the rest of the staff is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you can't do it safely, you just don't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meaning that if we don't have enough people working that day, or the equipment isn't in perfect working order, or the conditions don't look good, you don't take the risk, full stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've approached my supervisor's boss already, and the response was to roll out stricter policies, but unfortunately my supervisor still doesn't seem to be taking the situation seriously. How can I get through to him and stress that these things are really non-negotiable before something worse happens?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify without giving out too much identifiable information some, but not all, of these situations have to do with boating safety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt; &#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked this question here because I was looking for an interpersonal solution. Some of the typical work related solutions have already been tried and some would be ill advised because I would be running the risk of losing my job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T14:56:21.117" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T17:57:02.627" Title="How do you stress that safety is non-negotiable at work?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5978" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5984" CreationDate="2017-10-29T05:16:23.520" Score="4" ViewCount="901" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 14 year old boy living with both my parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm often talking to my friends about something, rather it's about what they did yesterday and about what just happened. A lot of times it seems like they can do a lot more than what I'm allowed to do and their parents are a lot less strict than mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One example could be my bedtime. I recently was able to get my bedtime extended slightly by 30min to 10pm on school nights for me and my twin sister. Though almost everyone I know who's my age either don't have a set bedtime, or have a much later bedtime. I understand (as my parents have told me every time I ask for more freedom) &quot;Every family is different&quot; and I agree with that, but at some point I feel like I'm the only one with these rules in my group of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example could be how many restrictions I have. &#xA;In my family, my parents control a lot of the things I do and when I do them. An example of that could be that I only have x screen time a day or I have to go to every day of ski training during the week even though I might want to skip a session so I can hang out with a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's many other example but I'm only going to list those two. My main question is: How can I express to my parents that I feel like I should have more freedom, and have them take me more seriously?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7837" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T15:47:34.093" Title="How to express to my parents that I need more freedom" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5977" CreationDate="2017-10-29T06:08:25.853" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been digging around online and I think I may I have found an answer to my own question...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that the supervisor doesn't seem to take the fact that he's rolling the dice with people's lives seriously enough, I'm thinking that explaining the possible legal consequences may be helpful. Basically, it seems that the simple fact that people could get hurt isn't enough of a deterrent for him, so perhaps fully understanding that people could get hurt and he could be directly charged in criminal court and sued in civil court may wake him up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In US law we have something called &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criminal_negligence&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;criminal negligence&lt;/a&gt;&quot; and from my admittedly limited understanding, it looks like what's going on here may rise to that level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically it looks like if someone does something that a &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criminal_negligence#Reasonable_person_standard&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;reasonable person&lt;/a&gt;&quot; would find stupidly dangerous and someone gets hurt, said person could be charged criminally for their bad judgement. Sometimes even a simple mistake, by someone who should know better, can cross this line. Obviously once someone has been found guilty criminally it's pretty easy to go after them in civil court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps a:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You could go to prison and be sued into perpetual poverty upon release for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Might have more impact than a simple warning about safety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T06:08:25.853" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5981" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5978" CreationDate="2017-10-29T07:45:34.713" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Freedom and responsibility go hand in hand. Convincing your parents that you should have more freedom means convincing them that you are responsible enough to handle those freedoms.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before discussing anything with your parents, consider what responsibilities you are currently shouldering, and how responsible you are about handling them.  Do you need to be nagged to get your homework done? How do you spend your allowance?  When you clean the dishes do rinse then once and then leave them to dry, or do you carefully inspect them for any food particles that might have escaped your sponge? If you find any lapses then start working to correct them before discussing anything with your parents. Your goal is to convince them that you are successfully managing your current responsibilities.  You don't have to be perfect (everone hates housework), but if you know that your patches have specific pet peeves then pay special attention to eliminating them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, consider what additional responsibilities you would be willing to take on.  You are asking for additional freedom after all - a willingness to pay for it goes a long way. Volunteering for additional duties sells a lot better than bargaining with them, and increases your chances of being able to pick tasks that you find less onerous. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thirdly, consider what responsibilities come with the freedoms you are asking for.  Controlling your bed time comes with the responsibility of getting enough sleep.  Controlling when you go to ski lessons comes with the responsibility of learning to ski.  Staying out late comes with the responsibility of letting your parents know where you are and that you're okay. Show your parents that you have considered these responsibilities and are prepared to meet them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that a specific restriction is unfair, ask your parents why they consider it necessary. Do not voice your opinions on its fairness - instead wait to hear their reasoning and try to adress the specific points they raise.  Acknowledge that their concern is valid (a parent's concern for their child is always valid, even if the specific worry they are expressing is ridiculous), but explain why you feel it is unnecessary in this case. If you cannot convince them that their worries are unnecessary, discuss with them what it would take to alleviate those worries. Try to establish concrete, measurable goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, the best way to show that you are responsible is to start doing tasks that you &lt;em&gt;aren't&lt;/em&gt; responsible for, purely because they need to be done. Take the trash out when it's full. Refill the soap dispenser. Organize the pots and pans.  Noticing unfilled needs is harder than doing assigned chores, but it sends a powerful message, and often the tasks themselves are less work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T07:45:34.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5982" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5966" CreationDate="2017-10-29T10:02:30.957" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'd say that the transition from you being raised towards living with your parents as an adult isn't playing out well.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you are getting on one another's nerve because you are on the threshold living your own life, and 'just yesterday' you were guided by your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are still finding your feet and trying to find out what you want from life and having a long military service sitting right there in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the actual topic is not the problem. All it is, is the fuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Have a plan!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to investigate, ask around, think (hard!) about what you want. Not just avoid what you dislike. Have a plan! One that fits &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then sit down with your father, and talk. Ask what IS bothering him. Be adult about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, find some way to live on your own. May be some time away, may require a lot of 'ifs' to fill in, but it will give you a direction to point your feet today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A very wise man once said that life is what happens while you made other plans. No reason not to have one anyway. And adapt it along the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T10:02:30.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5978" CreationDate="2017-10-29T14:19:26.720" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Parents, like bosses, respond better to requests for specific things (I want more screen time, or I want to cut back on ski-ing) than to general things (I want more freedom.) So it's fine that you're seeing the connection between these desires, but when it comes time to arrange them, it's better to stay specific. And in fact, there's a big difference between &quot;I want to stay up and play games or talk to people&quot; and &quot;ski-ing is not as important to me as it is to you.&quot; For one thing, the first is far more easily reversed if it doesn't turn out well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work, one way to get promoted is to start doing the new job. I don't mean start staying up late, though. Right now, do you have to be pried out of bed in the mornings? Are your parents putting in a lot of work waking you, prodding you to shower, dress, eat, asking you if you have all your school stuff? If so, work on that end of the deal first. Ask for an alarm clock if you don't have one. Wake up and get through your morning routine on your own initiative. Surprise them. If you spot an opportunity to do something extra, like tidying your room or getting ahead on some other regular chore, do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your parents are controlling your bedtime because waking you is a lot of work, this may get them to stop. Or, if they are controlling your bedtime because they see you as still a little child, this may change their view of you. Of course, it may have no effect, but these are skills you need to develop to be an adult in this world, so you might as well develop and demonstrate them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ski-ing is more complicated. Are you trying to make a particular level or team? Are you working towards a particular goal that requires such a level of commitment? Is that a goal you want to reach? Or is this something they chose for you that you would rather just do recreationally? Olympians typically sacrifice their social lives for their sport, but that doesn't mean you need to. That said, if you don't want to ski so much, you don't arrange that by saying, one Tuesday half an hour before you're supposed to leave for the hill, &quot;I'd like to skip practice today.&quot;  Instead you need to chat with your parents over dinner or in the evening (when you're all caught up on &lt;strong&gt;everything&lt;/strong&gt; including homework and chores) about the role of this sport in your life. You need to know, before you start this conversation, if you want to quit the sport entirely, or drop down to recreation, or just skip the occasional practice a few times a month. You also need to know if it's possible to stay at this level with the occasional skip (a chat with your coach or with fellow skiers, especially those who don't ski every day, might be good research) by making it up in the morning, or going longer some days, or doing weight training at lunchtime. When you talk to your parents about this, make sure you focus on &lt;strong&gt;what you want to do&lt;/strong&gt; (go out in the evenings with your friends once or twice a month) not what you don't want to do (ski every day.) If they say &quot;but you'll never make nationals if you skip a day&quot; you can either reply &quot;I don't want to make nationals&quot; or &quot;Coach Judy says once or twice a month would be ok, especially since I'm doing weights three times a week now in the middle of the day.&quot; (You cannot possibly be the first 14 year old who felt the pressure of a social life against a ski-every-day practice routine.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And resist the urge to tie it all together into how they control everything you do including when you get up, when you sleep, what you eat, and what sports you do. That might sound like an important complaint to raise. But imagine a two year old saying that. The parents would laugh. &quot;Of course we do! You're a toddler!&quot; Sure, you're not a toddler any more. But it takes time for parents to notice that, and they may consider a 14 year old still a very young child. They will start to let you make more choices over the next few years - each family has their own pace for this - but it will be because you've shown you can make and execute good choices, not because you have stomped your feet and demanded your almost-adult rights.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T14:19:26.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5978" CreationDate="2017-10-29T15:47:34.093" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to approach this a little differently because I've been both the angsty teenager and the concerned parent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was your age I had a lot of freedom, much like some of your friends seem to. I didn't have a bedtime, I only had a &quot;recommend&quot; curfew, and I didn't have any required extra curricular activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What did I do with this freedom? Well, what most kids from my era with that much freedom did. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Obviously it was fun at the time, but I did get into an awful lot of trouble. I routinely took dangerous risks and put myself in bad situations. By the time I was 16 I had been kicked out of three schools and had been arrested more than once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all that in mind, I made an effort to raise my kids differently. I tried not to be a task master, but they definitely had bedtimes, curfews, and extracurricular activities. As they grew up into teenagers I became more watchful not less, because the consequences for teenagers become more serious. Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm trying to say here is that there are some really good reasons that your parents have these rules and restrictions. Their goal is to teach you how to be a responsible adult and keep you safe and out of trouble till you are a responsible adult. Your primary goal at the moment is probably more along the lines of having fun with your friends and/or chasing romance and crushes. These goals are obviously going to clash sometimes, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the question becomes, what can you do to get a little more freedom for fun times, but still stay on that whole responsible adult track?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start showing your parents that you're legitimately interested in doing the responsible things. Start working towards goals like saving money for your first car, getting into a good college, and so on. Parents worry a lot less about the kid who's driven to succeed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They'll likely be more flexible with the occasional night out, when you show the good judgement to want to head to bed early when you have class the next day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Basically the more you show them that you're setting healthy goals and rules for your self, the less they'll feel the need to set goals and rules for you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hang in there kid. Another 4-8 years of school and being responsible will set you on a path towards having a lot more fun for the following 50-60 years. It's really a small price to pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T15:47:34.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5986" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-29T16:30:40.297" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;STRONG&gt;The bold question:&lt;/STRONG&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've made your point.  Now, drop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm starting by focusing on this question which was posted with bold text:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;STRONG&gt;How can I get my mom to understand that I'm not responsible for the mess she found when she came home?&lt;/STRONG&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're living at your parents' home.  As such, you have a responsibility of making sure that the place is kept up to at least some standards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I rented an apartment along with another person, the &quot;landlord&quot; (a &quot;property management&quot; company who served the owner) made us both responsible for the rent.  This means that if my roommate did not pay a dollar of the rent, I was still entirely on the hook.  (In fact, I speak from some personal experience.  My roommate ended up not getting the job he expected, and decided that a life of crime ended up being more interesting, and he literally did not pay one dollar of rent.)  Now, this is entirely unfair.  However, the issue of fairness is really my problem.  Regardless of how I handle that with the roommate, the agreement I made with the property management company is that I wouldn't let such a situation become their problem.  I should live up to the expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of who made the messes in your house, by nature of you being in the house, the good thing for you to do is to ensure the problem is taken care of, even if that means you being the unhappy hero who takes care of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You basically violated that social contract in order to make a point very clear to your mother.  Whether that was a good idea, or not, I choose to not render a judgement.  However, your main question is about how to handle this next time.  And, my answer to you is: don't try to make the same point again.  Mom has clearly shown her position.  Right or wrong as her position might be, her position does clearly demonstrate something.  Doing this again is only going to aggravate mom again.  Trying to repeat that scenario is not likely to do you much good, and is likely to build up the negative consequences again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you can come up with a really good excuse, like &quot;I wasn't even in the house, so I didn't see how bad it was, so I wasn't in a position to be taking care of it&quot;, then, great.  If not, and you're at mom's, then consider the unfairness aspect to be a potential cost of the benefits of living at mom's and doing so with peace.  In fact, now that your point has been made, she may be even more appreciative when you show that you're willing to make sacrifices in order to let her be happy.  (Showing concern for her happiness is always appropriate, but especially when she's actively doing you favor regarding housing.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;STRONG&gt;The title question:&lt;/STRONG&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question's title is, &amp;ldquo;How can I stop enabling my brothers without my mom exploding?&amp;rdquo;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a very different question.  That focuses on your brothers, and doesn't focus on your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advice I gave above, about cleaning the house, is the most noble course of action.  It requires more effort.  Because of that, it does require a sacrifice on your part.  Sometimes, the best course of action requires additional effort.  I'm pretty guilty (aren't we all) of sometimes not choosing the best course of action.  In the interest of living a more leisurely life, maybe you actually want to do something other than the sacrificial &quot;best&quot; course of action.  Where you draw the line, as to how much effort you want to invest in order to strive for the noblest of positions, is an individual choice, and sometimes there aren't clear answers about the exact consequences if you decide to pursue some position in the middle of the spectrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to try to stop enabling your brothers' behavior is... exactly what you did.  To keep your mother from exploding, you might need to intervene a little bit, but you would want to minimize your intervention, so that your mother is brought right up to the boiling point without brewing over, so that she is incensed but not exploding.  Doing anything more to appease your mother would harm the goal of focusing on your brothers.  So, if focusing on your brothers is your primary goal, that may lead to a bit of a different answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;STRONG&gt;The XY question:&lt;/STRONG&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know what you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want, is to stop enabling your brothers' behavior while not irritating your mom at all.  Well, if you want to simultaneously pursue two goals (appeasing mom well, and achieving maximum sibling fairness), that seem to require opposite things, then striking a perfect balance, and getting success in all goals, will significantly complicate the situation.  The best path to success in striking the most perfect possible balance may greatly vary from other people in similar situations, based on individual family culture and the specific people involved.  So there may not be one universal answer that can successfully tell you how to achieve all of your desirable goals at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you want just one simple answer about how to appease mom, the first part of this answer is it.  People do tend to further mature throughout their late teens and twenties and early thirties.  So there is still hope for your brothers yet.  Whatever grief a younger person does is more likely to be forgiven over the years as that person matures.  Whatever grief an adult causes is more likely to be remembered throughout the decades.  She's cooperating with you by providing some nice living arrangements.  In the long run, you taking a hard stance is likely to have the longer lasting impact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice: Prioritize a good relationship with mom, as over the coming decades your mom's feelings (and even your feelings) about the unpleasantness of a full garbage can will reduce in importance when your brothers start acting more mature (which is still likely to happen in coming decades), while your mom's feelings about a more mature adult failing (along with the less mature people) to take care of the garbage problem will likely be more prone to be remembered.  So, to have the most significant long term impact on an important relationship, my recommendation is this: make mom happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T16:30:40.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5988" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5967" CreationDate="2017-10-29T17:09:22.903" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they're friends, they'll understand your predicament anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Excuse me, but I have X in Y hours. I wish I could entertain you much&#xA;  longer. I will invite you again - soon!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to inform them early, so your announcement does not come as a surprise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8024" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T17:09:22.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5989" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2017-10-29T22:39:41.500" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first step I'd do is consider the possibility that I actually &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; responsible for what my brothers did.  It sounds strange, right?  Backwards?  But if you can consider that possibility, you can start to use it to take control from your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's start with the question of whether you are responsible or not as an unknown.  We're not going to assume either way.  We're going to explore each side and find a consistent solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first possibility is that you are not responsible, in which case all of your arguments are well founded.  I clearly don't need to give you an advice on how to handle that possibility.  You've got it down pat.  So let's focus on the second possibility: that you are responsible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Responsibility it not always &quot;fair.&quot;  You can be held responsible for things that you don't feel you had any control over.  This is the reality of the world.  However, in any rational discussion of responsibility it is accepted that responsibility and authority must go hand in hand.  There are, of course, plenty of irrational people who will assign responsibility without authority.  For all I know your mom may be one of them.  But for there to be hope that you can live up to the responsibility your mother puts on you, you must be given the authority to make that a reality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you need to do the job?  Do you need the ability to ground your siblings?  Dock their allowance?  Assign them additional chores that will be done when mom is home again?  What sort of authority do you need to be given (by your mother) in order to live up to the responsibility (from your mother).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, once you are comfortable with both these outcomes, approach your mother.  Let her know that you don't feel you should be responsible for your brothers, but if you are held responsible for the entire household then you need her to delegate the authority needed to make it a reality.  Then you can let &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; decide if she wants to hold you responsible for the household or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The resulting responsibility may still call for you clean up messes.  If you were the supervisor at a fast food restaurant, and your employees failed at cleaning the bathroom, you clean it.  It is your responsibility.  It's not pretty.  However, if you have sufficient authority then you can also begin the process of changing the situation.  Obviously, unlike a supervisor, you can't fire your brothers.  But hopefully you can identify the specific authority you need from your parents to balance responsibility with authority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T22:39:41.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5835" CreationDate="2017-10-29T23:00:51.523" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;So it's this guys right to his own name vs. faceless bureaucracy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll just make your head explode by telling you that my legal name is not the name in my birth certificate, passport, or driving license. And that this is absolutely not unusual where I come from. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you use the wrong name (the one in my passport), that's not a privacy issue, it's an attack against my identity. If you insist on it, I consider it deeply insulting. In some cases there is bureaucracy that I cannot beat. Otherwise, I will do whatever I can to beat the system. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T23:00:51.523" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5991" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5894" CreationDate="2017-10-29T23:19:28.313" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't have a problem, and your girlfriend doesn't have a problem. Your friend is the only one with a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you tell your friend to grow up and get over her. The fact that he had a crush on her is of no interest to anyone whatsoever since she rejected him. When that happens, a person can do two things: Convince that other person to change her mind (which he failed to do), or get over it. Anything else is just hurtful and unhealthy. And I'm not saying that because &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are with her now. If any other person were her boyfriend, you would advise your friend just the same way that he needs to get over this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So he doesn't want to ruin your new-found relationship. Seriously? Who does he think gives him the right to talk like this? He had a crush and was rejected. That doesn't give him any rights. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are worried what he might do. You think that in his mind he has some idea that he has the right to do something because he had a crush. Of course he has no such right. To prevent him from doing something stupid, do what you can to wipe that idea out from his mind. If he says she left him, tell everyone loudly that no, she never left him, because they never were together in the first place, that she never gave him any indication that he had any chance, and that he was rejected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That will be painful for him. Not getting over her will be much more painful. For a start, it prevents him from meeting any of the single women around him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-10-29T23:19:28.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5967" CreationDate="2017-10-30T00:25:52.133" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The most natural way to wrap up a conversation is to do what people normally do when a conversation has run its course:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;talk less (don't inject new topics into the conversation and allowing longer periods of silence),&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask the other person what &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are planning to do with the rest of their day, and/or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;tell people how much you've enjoyed spending time with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will trigger most people to end the conversation (by giving the same types of signals back to you) without causing offence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't work, it may be that the people you are are speaking with are less sensitive to social cues so you'll need to be more direct. The good news, however, is that people who are less sensitive to social cues are less likely to be offended by a direct approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8029" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T00:25:52.133" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5993" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="5994" CreationDate="2017-10-30T04:21:41.607" Score="30" ViewCount="9503" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had my cat for the past 13 years and it is very important to me. The cat used to live at my parents place, as did I; I moved out two years ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, my parents took a 4-month vacation and I took the cat to my apartment (pets are allowed, as per my lease). My roommates (who share the apartment with me) tolerate it well enough, but it is slightly irritating to them as the cat sometimes poops outside the litter box (I take care of it) or meows early in the morning. It's not critical, but annoying to them nonetheless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I was expecting it to be temporary, my roommates accepted the situation without much issues, but they would still like the cat gone. The problem is that, now that my parents are back, I found out that they expected this to be a permanent situation, not a temporary one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm therefore stuck between a rock and a hard place as my roommates would like the cat gone and my parents don't seem to want it back. Euthanizing the cat is &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; an option and I do not want to give it away (where I would not be able to see it). I will have the option to move only in july next year, which I feel is probably too far to drag the issue. My girlfriend can not host it as she has a cat of her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I solve this issue in a way that leaves everyone satisfied? I don't feel it's appropriate to impose on my roommates or my parents, but perhaps there is a way to resolve the situation I haven't considered? The cat is extremely important and I am willing to make sacrifices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;UPDATE: I ended up asking my parents again and explaining the situation. They decided to take the cat back at least until July in exchange for me taking it back when they travel. My roommates agreed to this so everything is solved!&#xA;Thanks to everyone who posted an answer!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8032" LastEditorUserId="8032" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T22:07:00.010" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T22:20:05.137" Title="Resolve conflicts with my roommates now that my parents expect my cat, which occasionally poops outside its litter box, to stay with me permanently" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;pets&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5994" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-10-30T04:43:32.720" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your only option is to live with the cat and try to square it with your roommates. If that means keeping close tabs on the litter box and waking up early to settle the cat before it wakes the house up, that's likely what you're going to have to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of living with roommates is being flexible. It's unfortunate, but that's how these things tend to go. Hopefully over time they'll grow to accept the cat and love it too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes throwing an extra 6 pack of beer in the fridge, once in a while, can go a long way towards buying good will in these cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T04:43:32.720" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5996" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6002" CreationDate="2017-10-30T07:39:57.563" Score="45" ViewCount="20309" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am dating a woman I met 2 weeks ago. We understand each other very well and like each other. For the past 4 days, she was away in her hometown and came back yesterday evening. During that time I had a terrible sore throat and constant coughing to the point I could not sleep. I hoped it would go away by the time she came back so that we could spend the night together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, it did not go away and I told her that it might be better if we spent the night separately because I didn't want her to suffer and stay awake just because of my constant coughing. That's the way I communicated it, but she was really angry at me. Not writing back for hours, then finally being snappy and saying I should leave her alone. I said OK and left her for the evening. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now it is the next morning. She didn't write, I didn't write until now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really want to be on good terms again, but I don't want to apologize for anything, because in my mind I did nothing wrong by wanting to protect her from a sleepless night. If she would have just written, &quot;I don't care, please still come over&quot; I would have come. But she didn't and simply blocked herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I communicate that I did nothing wrong and don't want to apologize, and that the best thing would be that she apologizes because she ruined the evening and overreacted, while still getting a &quot;happy ending&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PS:&lt;/strong&gt; This person COULD be my next relationship. In my past two-year relationship I apologized for everything even if it wasn't my fault and that really came back to me with time because I was blamed for everything because I didn't stand my ground prior. I don't want to repeat that mistake again!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE:&lt;/strong&gt; After reading all the answers and comments, I decided that it would be best to apologize for phrasing it as I did, and making it clear to her that I would have loved to spend the night together but was just worried of her well being. I phrased the apology very carefully and eventually she forgave me, apologized for being so angry as well and invited me over to her for the evening (last evening) and we spent the night together and had a great time. During the night I actually woke up a couple of times and had to cough really hard for some minutes, but she really did not seem to mind at all. Thanks for all the answers and suggestions, it really helped me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-11-11T13:12:10.550" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T13:12:20.387" Title="Angry at me for not coming over" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5996" CreationDate="2017-10-30T08:40:26.053" Score="24" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I communicate, I did nothing wrong and don't want to apologize&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't, because &quot;This was all your fault&quot; never goes over well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to get over this and continue your starting relationship, maybe the best thing for now is to just let it rest for a bit and try to get on with things. Probably both of you have cooled down a bit and going back to the problem now might not be the most succesful idea. New relationships can't handle as many issues as more established ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'd just try to leave it behind me for now and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm feeling much better today. Want to make up for lost time? We can go do [x] (where [x] is something your partner will enjoy)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you get closer and know each other better, it might be good to talk about expectations when either of you gets sick and how to deal with that, but if you've only known each other for 2 weeks then it's probably not the time yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T08:40:26.053" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5967" CreationDate="2017-10-30T08:44:22.180" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I have something specific to do at 7pm I would just explain it, but if I have no special reason I always say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What subway line do you use do go back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's for cities with many subway lines, but you could adapt to places where several routes are available. Or with a big smile:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's check the illumination on the way back!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can also be a shed you built in the alley, or a bird's nest, or anything that could be possibly conceived by someone as mildly interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how close you are with them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At what time do you wake up tomorrow?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Tokyo you can be bet they have to wake up earlier than they would like, and that the conversation will switch to the topic of how they should sleep more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T08:44:22.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="5999" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-30T10:40:41.190" Score="2" ViewCount="649" Body="&lt;p&gt;The subject says it all: There is no one specific incident I can summarize, but in general I have had encounters with people who endlessly ask loaded/leading questions and statements that are simply uncomfortable to respond to. These are in casual, non-work/non-professional situations in which nothing is really at stake. Questions such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;“Who wouldn’t like that?”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;“Who could say no?”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;“I never met someone who didn’t like that.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;“Why would anyone do that?”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;“Why would anyone say that?”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;“Here! Have some! I know you will like it!”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And such. These are non-sales/non-pitch situations in which there are no high stakes: I’m not buying or selling something so these kinds of questions/statements are even more frustrating and baffling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least in a sales/pitch situation one can be more assertive and even act in an alienating way since in most sales/pitch situations there is no deep relationship at stake. In casual social situations when stuff like this happens I find it to be more uncomfortable because this type of interaction seems even more unnecessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a simple thing that can be said or done in response to an interaction like this that can move the conversation past this question/statement without too much friction?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2017-10-30T11:12:51.780" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T11:12:51.780" Title="How to deal with someone who seemingly only asks you loaded/leading questions in casual situations?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-10-30T14:08:51.383" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6000" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5967" CreationDate="2017-10-30T11:15:09.813" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ok, welcome to the club of awkward situations...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yes as it was pointed out above, start doing this beforehand like 0.5-1 hours before you have to &quot;leave&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try putting on agenda the idea that there is another activity that follows your party, even if it's imaginary or half-imaginary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can appeal to phrases like &quot;Okay guys, sorry but I have to visit X, I have to complete task X or my employer/boss/client will be angry&quot; Basically any &quot;I have to X&quot; will do fine where X relates to family activities, work activities and other duties. And do be ashamed to push a little bit accompanying this with phrases like &quot;okay, I will be washing cups and cleaning the table, but I'm with you, you want anything else?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8040" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T11:15:09.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-10-30T12:06:12.160" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd love to have a cat around my house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I imagine if you asked about you probably unknowingly know somebody that would also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approach a few people with the following points, you might easily find temporary house-room until July (or permanently, your choice) for the cat nearby at somebody you trust's house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your cat sounds like a (no offence) relatively simple older house-cat, I imagine they're quite calm?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A cat like yours is a good first time pet for a family who want to see what it's like, with the agreement that you'd take it back next July.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You'd be covering any health-bills for the pet, so less worry.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of the agreement would include the ability to visit the cat and... erm, do you take cat's for walks? I don't have one, sorry xD&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note this may or may not work, but I wanted to provide another option to your possibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7927" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T12:06:12.160" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5996" CreationDate="2017-10-30T12:23:55.430" Score="85" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sadly, it did not go away and I told her that it might be better if we spend the night separately because I didn't want her to suffer and stay awake just because of my constant coughing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's subtle, but if you told her what you told us, then you've already implied that you've &lt;em&gt;decided&lt;/em&gt; to spend the night separately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the difference between these two statements (I've changed the context for the sake of generalization):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think you can't keep working in our company.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm not sure how to go about your future employment in our company.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both communicate the same thing (uncertainty about future employment). However, the statements do have a different focus.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The first statement implies that ending the employment is the only viable option. The second statement points out that there are obstacles on the path; but does not suggest that you're considering ending the employment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same is true in your scenario. Compare the differences:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It might be better if we spend the night separately because I don't want you to suffer and stay awake.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm afraid that you'll suffer and stay awake if we spend the night together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases, you're communicating that you think your illness will prevent a nice night together, but the second option does not suggest that &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; spending the night together is the best option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, the second option makes it &lt;strong&gt;her decision&lt;/strong&gt;, as opposed to yours. She is able to decide whether she is willing to put up with your coughing or not. Maybe she's even able to come up with a solution that solves the problem for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if she would have just written, &quot;I don't care, please still come over&quot; I would have come. But she didn't, and simply blocked herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This ties into the earlier point. You're relying on her to go against what you just said.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may be unwilling to do so, because she may be afraid that you would think that she's ignoring your wishes and forcing her decision (to spend the night together) on you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Especially when you're sick&lt;/em&gt;, that's not how she wants to be perceived, especially in a new relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really want to come to good terms again, but I don't want to apologize for anything, because in my mind I did nothing wrong by just wanting to protect her from a sleepless night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your intention was good. Your phrasing was not. You shouldn't apologize for what you intended to say, you should apologize for &lt;em&gt;what you inadvertently ended up implying&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this is all about how you phrase it. Consider the differences:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to apologize. I did nothing wrong by just wanting to protect you from a sleepless night.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm sorry if I made you feel that I didn't want you here. I did, but I wanted to protect you from a sleepless night.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you are conveying the same truth (wanting to protect her from a bad night), but the second version does not add the implication that &lt;em&gt;you think you did nothing wrong&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing to stress here is that the relationship is &lt;strong&gt;new&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this story had happened with someone who knew you for 10+ years (even if you were just friends for the majority of that time), then they would likely not have reacted so strongly. The difference is that an &lt;em&gt;established history&lt;/em&gt; between the two of you can offset any offending inference on her part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Even if&lt;/strong&gt; she inferred that you didn't want her to spend the night with you (in a way that offends her), if she knows you a long time she would likely see that you've historically always shown to be willing to spend time together, so your current statement must mean that either you're &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; sick, or you simply didn't mean it the way that you said it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But when you're in a new relationship, there's no history to rely on. If she infers that you didn't want to spend the night together, she has no way of knowing whether this is a unique situation (because of being sick), or whether you're just a person who often wants to have a night by himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although this is just an inference on my behalf, her strong reaction to your (somewhat mild) mention of not spending the night together suggests that &lt;strong&gt;she may have been burned by others in the past&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Past experiences can leave scars. Scars can make you sensitive to something happening again. Being sensitive to something means that you overreact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To use more extreme examples to showcase the point: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone who has suffered from domestic abuse with a previous partner will respond very defensive when you use a verbally aggressive tone; whereas someone who has not suffered from domestic abuse will not be as defensive (because they haven't been in a situation that required them to be preemptively defensive).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone who has had to deal with a friend who loaned money from them (and never paid it back) will be less eager to loan you money because this exact thing has burned them in the past.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(suggested by @stannius in the comments) You seem to be adamant about not apologizing since you intended no harm. Speaking from personal experience, that can be indicative of a scar too. For me, it's due to my parents who pushed the blame on me for failing them and regularly even attributed malice on top of that; which caused me to become very sensitive when someone even &lt;em&gt;implies&lt;/em&gt; that I'm guilty of something I did not do. I can't speak to your case, but I suspect that there is a similar backstory as to why you're adamant about not apologizing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know these are very extreme examples, but the general principle is the same. If people are disproportionately sensitive to something, it's likely that they've been in similar problem situation before, and their instincts are telling them that the current situation will be another problem situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're quite adamant about not seeing the need to apologize. I understand your points (I'm not that different from you), but I think that your strong opinion may be grating to her, at least when it touches on a scar that she has.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be kind. Consider that she could have understood something different from what you meant. Apologize for potentially miscommunicating, rather than not apologizing because you intended well&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-11-11T13:12:20.387" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T13:12:20.387" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-10-30T12:24:25.117" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seems like the main problem is the litter tray. It's your cat - put the tray in your own room. Retrain the cat to use it there. It's an imposition on your room-mates to have a cat there: imagine the situation if one or more of them decided to have their own pet cat/dog there too !!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're not too bothered about the cat just being there, that's good, and can be helped with various offerings to show your (and the cat's) gratitude from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only other solution to enable the cat to stay with you is to move out to another place, but not all places will allow pets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1655" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T12:24:25.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-10-30T13:30:44.653" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say the problem with your room mates is due to the fact sometimes the cat goes outside of the litter tray.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if this is the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; problem they have with the cat, then the solution is likely to be cleaning out the litter tray more often, or having more litter trays. As someone who's had many cats, they only go outside the litter tray if they are ill, or it's unclean. (Would you use a dirty toilet happily?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately from experience, most litter trays are both too small, and the sides aren't high enough for the cat to be sure they are 'in' the tray. I've had some cats who'd try and sit in the tray, but end up on the edge and make a mess outside of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="387" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T13:30:44.653" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6005" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6029" CreationDate="2017-10-30T14:21:00.203" Score="46" ViewCount="11905" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are many people who, after stating their political, religious or ideological view, or an opinion in a debated or controversial topic, explicitly ask for confirmation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Am I right?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Isn't it so?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming it's not done in bad faith to provoke a debate, but it just occurs naturally to them, as they expect agreement or sympathy from those around them, how can I avoid expressing agreement, in case I don't intend to trigger a debate in the topic at the moment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Staying in complete silence is not always an option, especially if the number of participants is very low, or the question is addressed directly at me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tactic I usually use is to silently mumble something like &lt;em&gt;&quot;well, that is one way to look at it&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Usually it works, sometimes it doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Note: there are occasions when I'm happy to accept a debate and go into deep discussions about the topic. I'm asking about occasions when I don't.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3081" LastEditorUserId="3081" LastEditDate="2017-10-30T15:33:45.503" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T04:14:42.860" Title="When someone states a view I don't agree with, and asks for confirmation, how to avoid giving it without triggering a debate?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6006" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-30T14:34:54.253" Score="1" Body="&lt;h3&gt;You can't really do that&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When confronted with such a situation you have quite a few ways to react, but they all boil down to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;confirm their view&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;stay silent&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;offer another view&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first one is what you explicitly don't want, so I will leave that one out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second one is the one you already mentioned. Silently mumbling, grunting a bit, shrugging your shoulder, ... it all really is just a way of saying &amp;quot;I don't really want to talk about this right now.&amp;quot;, which is what you want. But you specifically ask about cases where that doesn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only real option left is to state your opinion and offer another view. You can of course try to be evasive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is what most people think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leaves out a silent, but mostly understood, &lt;em&gt;But there are people who think differently&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that is where the type of person you are asking about comes into play. They see that you are not confirming their view and will start a debate. As you have tagged this with &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/conflict-aversion&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;conflict-aversion&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;conflict-aversion&lt;/a&gt; I assume that these debates are often not quite as nice as you would like them. But these people would start such a debate anyway, no matter whether you tried to stay silent of offered another point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to go about this is to really only offer a different point of view:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many people thinking like that. I see it slightly different, because of [x] and [y]. But that's just me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are lucky they will accept this. The last part shows that you are not looking for a big debate and you are placing your statement as the one with less support from other people. Whenever this doesn't work, not confirming their view was the first &lt;em&gt;mistake&lt;/em&gt; and you could hardly do anything about it.  If this is a person you are talking to on a regular basis and you know how they will react you can decide beforehand: do I want to stick to my opinion or keep it to myself and avoid the conflict?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="372" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T14:34:54.253" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6008" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-30T14:53:20.943" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may or may not suit your needs, but I've had a lot of success just saying that I don't want to get into a big discussion about something. Most conversations involve less depth than participants &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; reach, and disagreement with a stated position isn't that different from answering &amp;quot;fine&amp;quot; when someone asks how your day has been. It's obviously not the full amount of detail, but acknowledges the question and allows the conversation to move forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A&lt;/strong&gt;: [Some assertion or other]. Don't you agree?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;B&lt;/strong&gt;: No, I don't really think of it that way and so I don't agree (or some similar comment).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A&lt;/strong&gt;: What do you mean by that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;B&lt;/strong&gt;: I don't really want to get into it right now. It'll be a whole thing. Let's just get back to what we were talking about before. You were saying [...]...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's usually the end of it. My experience is that when people behave in a conversation as you have described they are usually looking for validation which they mostly expect to get, and that validation is really what the &amp;quot;am I right?&amp;quot; type comments are about. A deep discussion examining whether or not you &lt;em&gt;should have provided&lt;/em&gt; that validation after the prompt is nearly always off-topic to what was being discussed and not what the prompter wants to talk about anyhow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T14:53:20.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-10-30T15:43:48.523" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you have to preface any conversation about this issue with an assurance that you understand that you are responsible for resolving this problem and will find a way to solve it that will make everyone happy even if that requires you finding another place to live.  After that any of the suggestions here could work.  Don't even try to convince any of them to compromise their feelings or comfort for your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2273" LastEditorUserId="2273" LastEditDate="2017-10-30T16:21:05.557" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T16:21:05.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5996" CreationDate="2017-10-30T15:45:12.617" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You only met two weeks ago, so the relationship was still very much in that &quot;exciting&quot; phase. She's out of town for a few days likely missing you and excited to see you upon her return, then you tell her you can't come over because of a sore throat (it doesn't matter how bad it is, you need to see this from her perspective). Ouch. I'd be mad too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was likely expecting you to be as eager to see her as she was to see you and although your intentions were good, she is likely feeling dejected right now. You need to address this, preferably face-to-face, on the phone if you have to but avoid just texting/messaging. You can't get emotion across the same way with words as you can with your voice, facial expressions and body language. Odds are she won't want to talk to you at first, if so give her some space. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will want to explain why you did nothing wrong but that ignores her feelings, you must apologise for how you made her feel. Tell her why you wrote what you did yes but don't suggest that it was her interpretation that caused her to be upset even if it was (arguable), it doesn't matter. What matters was that you made her feel bad and you have to acknowledge that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that I've made some assumptions here but I hope it helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5599" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T15:45:12.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6011" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6040" CreationDate="2017-10-30T16:04:32.620" Score="8" ViewCount="1767" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine has been nominated for a rather prestigious award in his field and it seems that this year all contenders decided it would be a good idea to send &quot;gifts&quot; to the judges. The stakes are higher this year since the award has a research grand attached to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His wife had made extensive research on each judge and put together a list of personalized gifts (e.g. a watch for a judge that wrote on twitter that he lost his).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am rather annoyed by this because he's being influenced heavily by his wife. I've known this guy for 20+ years. He is not the type that would do such a thing but he would really like this award since he did a really good job. He does indeed deserve it compared to his opponents. I know he's leaning towards giving a gift (I'd say 60% chance he does), so he hasn't made up his mind yet. But for him, it's the opportunity of a lifetime, so I think he's leaning towards bribing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to make an argument to my friend about not bribing the judges. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could I actively approach him and make my case without hurting the friendship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To add a bit more info. This is a friend that I always admired for his ethics. He's been influenced towards a possibly damaging decision and I would prefer to offer my opinion on the matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a stickler when it comes to my ethics, especially in a situations such as this. And I know that my friend is as well since we went to college together and known each other for ever. But as with a lot of people that are successful in their career, breaching the friendship wall into the career part can be tricky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="6561" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T11:26:18.740" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T15:41:05.043" Title="How can I convince a friend to not bribe to get an award?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;switzerland&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6012" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6011" CreationDate="2017-10-30T16:13:21.550" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just let him make the decision for himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could drop this as &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know this could be seen as you bribing him, don't you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phrasing it this way doesn't mean that you're actually calling him out for making a bribe, just pointing out that it can be seen that way by others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least then, he can make this moral decision for himself and live with the consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T16:13:21.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-10-30T16:56:10.143" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you can't move, and your parents won't take the cat back, I think your best option is to do your best to mitigate the cat's problem behaviors, or at least minimize the amount your roommates have to deal with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with the advice to get a second litterbox and keep them covered. I have two cats and that cuts down on the mess tremendously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can keep the cat in your room with you at night, that should at least cut down on the noise from the meowing. I saw you mentioned above that the cat used to be an outdoor cat - if there's an area where the cat can roam easily it may be a good idea to get a harness and long leash so the cat can get some time outside. Ultimately the best solution to the meowing is probably to try to figure out what the cat wants and provide it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you talk to the roommates and have a plan to keep the cat out of their space and as clean as possible, that may make them more amenable to letting the cat stay. The case of beer that someone else suggested above couldn't hurt either. Given that the cat is soiling the floors, I would also suggest you offer to cover the cost of a final carpet cleaning when you/the cat move out - your roommates may be concerned about the cost/effort cleaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7976" LastEditorUserId="7976" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T15:15:29.883" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T15:15:29.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-10-30T17:00:52.973" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot; I dont feel it's appropriate to impose on my roommates or my parents&quot; You're not imposing on your parents by giving them back their cat, they imposed on you and your roommates by having you look after the cat in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to explain to your parents that the cat was not originally on your lease, and your roommates didn't know they were agreeing to a poopy apartment when they signed the lease. They need to keep the cat at least until your lease is up, at which point it would be appropriate to draw up a new lease with the same roommates, find new roommates, or find a new apartment which allows cats and has roommates who don't mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't negotiable. You looking after the cat was a (fairly long term) favor to your parents, and they shouldn't expect you to have to look after the cat forever when that was never the agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8052" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T17:00:52.973" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5996" CreationDate="2017-10-30T17:12:18.657" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you realize what you said to her. You chose &lt;strong&gt;not to even visit&lt;/strong&gt; for a short time because spending the night was (your decision) not an option. And you told her that this was the reason. You know what I would hear if you said that to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't really miss you and I don't want to spend some time talking&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I really only want to come over if we're going to have sex&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to have sex and then leave, that's a hassle&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it would be rude to spend the night with this cough, though&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;so yeah I guess I'll just see you whenever&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you figure out what to say to her, you need to have a long talk with yourself. &lt;strong&gt;Why is it that a short visit without spending the night didn't occur to you?&lt;/strong&gt; What purpose does visiting this woman serve? Do you want to talk about her trip to her home town? Do you enjoy watching tv or movies together, or talking about a book you just read? Would it have been nice to curl up on her couch together drinking a warm drink and chatting? To do whatever you normally do after dates and before spending the night? And then, when it got late, depending on the state of your cough, couldn't you have said &quot;oh sweetie I know you must be tired from traveling, and I don't want to spoil your sleep, we've had a lovely evening haven't we? I'm going to head for my own bed and I can't wait to see you tomorrow!&quot; Couldn't you? I think you could have. But none of that ever occurred to you. Which could be fine. I'm not saying you should have done any of that, your relationships are your own business. I'm asking &lt;strong&gt;why didn't that occur to you?&lt;/strong&gt; Why don't you think of her that way? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect she's mad because she thought this way, and she thinks you're telling her that you don't see her as the curl-up-and-chat kind of girlfriend, not the even-when-I-can't-spend-the-night-I-want-to-see-you kind of girlfriend, but more the if-it's-convenient-and-I-can-stay-over kind of girlfriend, and she doesn't want to be that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T17:12:18.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6017" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-30T17:49:26.250" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;One strategy you could try would be to just state that &lt;strong&gt;there are many reasonable perspectives&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: ... Am I right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I think it's a complex issue, and there are many reasonable perspectives with no objectively right answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they respond with &quot;but what's your perspective&quot;, or something similar, you're unfortunately mostly back where you started, but a less polite response could make sense, since they're obviously rudely pushing the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point, I'd say you have roughly these options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Repeat the above response, word for word, until they stop asking&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a fairly conflict-heavy approach and makes it clear that you don't appreciate them pushing the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Refuse to answer&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't want to get involved&quot; would be a less conflict-heavy response and can be repeated as necessary if they keep asking to make it clear that you don't appreciate that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be a fence sitter&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't have a strong opinion one way or the other&quot; is about as non-committal as you can get, and you're unlikely to run into much problems with this approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use this approach even if you have a strong opinion, if you want.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Deflecting to &quot;some people&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; is another strategy you could try if you want to share your opinion without really starting a debate or justifying that opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach can admittedly get you some weird looks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: ... Am I right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Some people might disagree with you on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Disagree how?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I don't know, you'd have to ask them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: ... Am I right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Some people might say that ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: But ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I said some people, I'm not the one you should be arguing with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T17:49:26.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-30T18:16:11.393" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't need to answer the &amp;quot;am I right&amp;quot; part if &amp;quot;yes&amp;quot; wouldn't be true, and &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; might invite an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you'd like to discuss this with the person, try responding as though they hadn't asked for the confirmation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you think so?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even [better/worse/more] than X? (If they said that something was the best/worst/etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: Choose X carefully so as not to &amp;quot;but what about&amp;quot; - so if they say a Democrat was the worst X ever, you can ask &amp;quot;even worse than [another Democrat]? not &amp;quot;even worse than [a Republican]?&amp;quot; which is more like debating. If you want to propose a better &amp;quot;best&amp;quot; movie it should be in the same franchise, or time period, or by the same director. Otherwise you're debating, which you don't want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know a lot about that. Where do you learn about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to discuss it and want to change the subject, then change the subject. It's traditional to signal such changes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, I never discuss politics/Star Wars/religion at parties / over lunch / before midnight / with family present / after I've had a glass of wine. [Cheesy smile to indicate your humour is weak and you know it.] So, did you see that baseball game last night? or So, what are your plans for the end of year break?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can lampshade it even further. I know someone who says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look! [points] An obvious distraction! [Launches into story about something they've done recently, or asks a conversation-starter question.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean literally says &amp;quot;an obvious distraction.&amp;quot; People laugh, and agree to change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T18:23:40.760" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-30T18:34:14.703" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Never collude when someone wants validation. Instead, try to understand (by asking questions) of their feelings toward their beliefs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Isn't [insert politician] the dirtiest politician ever?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you feel about him? What do you believe should be done about him/society? How do you feel about what he has done?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Agreeing with why someone feels the way they do, or believe what they believe is far easier, than believing the truth of a statement that someone puts forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7579" LastEditorUserId="7579" LastEditDate="2017-10-30T19:02:44.757" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T19:02:44.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6020" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6022" CreationDate="2017-10-30T18:37:47.577" Score="6" ViewCount="857" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner and I were in a very casual restaurant (self seating, buffet style) with another couple who we were still getting to know. As we were about to eat, a good friend of the couple (but unknown to us) came over, and without excusing himself for interrupting or even so much as a glance in our direction, proceeded to discuss a matter in a very loud and animated manner with our new friends. Then, after about 12 -15 minutes, the person departed, again without a glance or word to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was flabbergasted. It felt awkward to eat in silence (or even at all, since the other couple were not eating), and it would have been nice had the couple interrupted their conversation to introduce us, or excused themselves for &quot;a moment&quot; to discuss a matter totally foreign to us, but that didn't happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have considered introducing myself to the newcomer if there had been a break in the conversation, but there wasn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than that, what I was feeling (and still feel) was &quot;How incredibly rude that guy is!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question: Is there any courteous way to interrupt the &quot;intruder&quot; and prevent being treated as if we did not exist? What is the best way to handle such an event?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not looking for how to handle our new friends so much as the intruder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T03:07:32.820" Title="How to handle when someone uninvited inserts themself into a conversation and takes over?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-30T19:06:34.387" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're assuming that &lt;code&gt;it just occurs naturally to them, as they expect agreement or sympathy from those around them,&lt;/code&gt; so I will as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is that you don't have the agreement or sympathy they're looking for. However, I've found when a person asks a question like this, they're looking for &lt;em&gt;any sort of affirmation at all&lt;/em&gt;, not just complete agreement. So when I feel obligated to confirm an opinion I don't agree with (and I don't want to debate it), I'll give an open-ended answer, &lt;strong&gt;followed up by any complimentary aspect about the position.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Clearly, The Matrix: Reloaded was the best in the trilogy, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: [dying inside] I think it's pretty tough to come up with a clear favorite, but there were definitely some great fight scenes in that one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More often than not, this will lead to a conversation about that particular aspect. This means that you should &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; pick an aspect you genuinely agree with (not being disingenuous was the point anyway, right?). First off, you're likely to move the conversation onto something you both agree with! Second, if you complement something you disagree with, you're likely to find yourself in the same situation in a few minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Clearly, The Matrix: Reloaded was the best in the trilogy, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: [lying inside] I think it's pretty tough to come up with a clear favorite, but there were definitely some great fight scenes in that one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Oh yeah! I thought that fight at the beginning was the best I've ever seen! Didn't you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that if you're responding to a position you simply don't agree with on any point, this is not the approach to take. However, in my experience if I can't find a single aspect I like about someone's position, I'm very rarely willing to pretend I don't mind it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T19:06:34.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6020" CreationDate="2017-10-30T19:20:54.887" Score="12" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Introduce yourself.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, you say that you didn't have a chance... but you have to make one. Interrupt them and introduce yourself. These sorts of situations can be pretty annoying and, hopefully if you're in the opposite position you'll interrupt your friend at an opportune moment and introduce the unknown party to them but, failing that (as in your situation), you should do this yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi, friend! I'm anongoodnurse and this is partner. How are you doing this evening? How do you know [friend couple]? [Optional: We were just having a nice discussion of {discussion topic}. Would you care to join us?]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Usually&lt;/em&gt; making yourself a part of the situation will bring you to their attention as not being willing to sit idly by during a lengthy conversation, which is incredibly rude of them. A quick &amp;quot;hi&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;bye&amp;quot; is one thing and many people don't interrupt with the intention of a long conversation but by adding yourself to the equation, you make them less likely to ignore you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will also hopefully give your friends the chance to do their job of saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;It's really great to see you but this isn't the best time as we're dining with anongoodnurse and spouse. Let's catch up some other time.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... which, as I said, is what the friends should have done in the first place and what we should all try to do if in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Hopefully&lt;/em&gt; by being active they'll realize that they're interrupting, which is why the optional part is in there - to make them aware that they've interrupted a conversation - and passively encourage them to realize that they're being rude. This may not work every time but once you've added yourself to the conversation, you can gradually become more pointed in your interruptions encouraging them to move along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, some people simply can't take a hint and will keep going until they're done regardless. If you feel like you're in this situation because they show no indication of stopping after you introduce yourself, you can use a variation of what your friends should have said to hopefully get them to move on. Yes, it's a bit rude to go this route but sometimes when they're refusing to accept the subtle hints, you've got to either be the carpet for them to walk on or pull it out from under them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to interrupt, friend, but is your interruption going to last much longer? We're trying to have a conversation over dinner but you've been here chatting for five/ten/fifteen minutes now. Would it be possible for you to catch up at some other time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T19:20:54.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6020" CreationDate="2017-10-30T19:21:15.707" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been known to be guilty of this kind of intrusion. I have a bad habit of only talking to people I'm closely acquainted with and tend to not address people I don't know well unless they've spoken to me first. In my case I think it may be something of an aspie problem, but I think more introverted people may fall afoul of this kind of behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably best to address these situations when they first pop-up, as in when the person fist approaches, with the usual:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I'm SoAndSo&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;addressing the intruder, or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Who's your friend? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;addressing the people you were sitting with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted it is rude to bench the other people at the table because someone intruded on a meal, but chances are pretty good that it was unintentional and that the people you were eating with probably didn't expect a 15 minute conversation. I would guess that they were expecting a much shorter &quot;Hey funny running into you here, good to see you.&quot; sort of thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that this was at a buffet style restaurant, I'm assuming a more casual enviroment, so it probably wouldn't have been rude to continue eating or indulging in an unrelated conversation with your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as interrupting the intruder goes... I'm also thinking that this could be an option, assuming an informal setting. Obviously better done at the beginning of the conversation, but like most informal conversations, if there's anything that you pick up on that you can add to, relate to, or generally comment on, feel free to interject. Once you've squeezed a word in edge wise the conversation is a little more likely to open up to the entire table. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again while the intruder is being rude, it's probably unintentional and just a symptom of poor social skills. Think, socially inept, more than deliberately rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T19:21:15.707" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5967" CreationDate="2017-10-30T21:07:18.773" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If/when you have a good rapport with someone (and can assume they won't be offended) you can simply tell them to leave. Among my circle of friends &quot;go home&quot; is fairly common (&quot;ahhh... that was fun. Okay go home :)&quot; ) along with &quot;K, bye. Its my bed time&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your situation (having something else to do) I'd probably say something like &quot;sorry about this, but I actually have to be __ (elsewhere) at xx time. Can we plan to get together again soon?&quot; Or &quot;... at xx time. Thanks for coming. I don't mean to kick you out but I've gotta get going &lt;em&gt;smile&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T21:07:18.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6026" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-30T21:38:44.137" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Assuming it's not done in bad faith to provoke a debate, but it just occurs naturally to them, as they expect agreement or sympathy from those around them, how can I avoid expressing agreement, in case I don't intend to trigger a debate in the topic at the moment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's not done in bad faith, they're probably looking for a confirmation that you heard their view.  You can respond like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I hear you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I see what you mean.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I understand your point.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;all confirm that they communicated their message clearly and don't say anything about whether you agree or disagree.  &lt;em&gt;Remember, this assumes that this is their natural way of talking&lt;/em&gt; - if they are actively seeking out a conflict, this won't be enough.  For people who actively seek out conflict, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4842/how-can-i-deal-diplomatically-with-a-feminist-neighbor-who-continuously-delivers/&quot;&gt;see this thread&lt;/a&gt;.  On some topics, it's perfectly acceptable in some cultures to respond with, &quot;I apologize but I don't discuss that topic&quot; (IE: religion).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another easy way to avoid agreement with a person not seeking conflict is to pinpoint a question and drill into it.  When they ask for agreement, ask about something they previously said, like &quot;Did you say Joanne bought a boat?  What kind of boat?&quot;  You begin shifting the conversation away from any conflict.  This also helps keep your interest in a conversation; unless you like conflict, someone asking for confirmation is probably less interesting than a topic you find interesting.  Focus on that by asking questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T21:38:44.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5996" CreationDate="2017-10-30T22:23:05.310" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I communicate that I did nothing wrong and don't want to apologize, and that the best thing would be that she apologizes because she ruined the evening and overreacted, while still getting a &quot;happy ending&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any kind of a relationship, insisting on being 'right' is not a healthy behavior.  Let's rephrase what you said.  'I want her to admit she was wrong and apologize to me, and also make sure she will gratify my desires.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By cutting off communication with you she is also insisting on being 'right'. The tone of the relationship is in the wrong direction before it even gets started.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apologize for assuming she would not want to be kept up by your coughing, make it a sincere apology, not an 'if I offended you' conditional apology.  Perhaps being exposed and kept up all night was acceptable to her, maybe seeing you was more important to her than risking being exposed to your cold.  Perhaps a compromise could have been found, like spend the evening together in lieu of sleeping over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't respond positively, move on and learn from your mistake for next time there is a conflict with a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being concerned about what you will get from a relationship is going to cause you grief.  You are concerned about getting an apology and a 'happy ending' (if your meaning is true to American english slang) and she is concerned about controlling your time and making sure you spend it with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a successful scenario, each of you would be worried about what you are giving, not what you are getting.  If each person gives without expectation or attempting to control the other, you can have a healthy relationship.  The absence of a giving attitude on either side will not lead to fulfillment for either of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8062" LastActivityDate="2017-10-30T22:23:05.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-30T23:00:50.463" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I run into this a lot, because I live in a region which is on the opposite side of the political spectrum as me.  Usually the person I'm speaking with isn't expecting a debate at all, because &lt;em&gt;it's just so obvious&lt;/em&gt; to him that what he's saying is right...  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what I like to do is ... defer the debate until a time which is convenient for me.  Might be later that afternoon, might be, well, never.  Usually goes like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend:  [Insert provocative statement], amirite?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me:  [Laughs]  Wow, that's a whole 'nother discussion.  I'll get back to you on that.  How bout [different subject or angle]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This usually gives me what I want, which is not a debate on issue/candidate/calamity X.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes my friend will probe a bit more, and I'll just remind him that we don't have time to give the subject the attention it deserves just now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T04:14:42.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6030" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6033" CreationDate="2017-10-31T00:22:06.087" Score="11" ViewCount="11679" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a serious problem. I don't know how to fix it honestly, but in a relationship of almost 2 years it is quite infuriating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually during time spent with my girlfriend, she is a very logical person, when it comes to things that we agree on, but that is only on the basis that she knows &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;we agree on them&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that whenever she states something that I don't agree with or does something that I don't agree with, I cannot discuss what is wrong with said premise or wrongdoing without being told I am 'attacking her', or that I am 'starting an argument'. Think of basically someone who says something wrong you hang around with, but have to step on eggshells whenever you think something opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, we were watching an analysis on a speech by Donald Trump, and she was pointing out errors in his presentation: black and white fallacies, loaded questions, slippery slope arguments, appeal to emotion etc.&lt;br&gt; Shortly after we get into a conversation about something, and she states that mixed Asians on average are becoming super tall, probably an average of 6ft. (She is Viet/White 5'10 and had a tall father, so she has a bias.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I reply&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow really? I know a lot of mixed Asians but they were pretty short.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She then replies by using a No True Scottsman, and basically says 'They must not have really been mixed. I would know; I'm Asian'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well they probably had tall parents. On average Asians are not that tall, and the world average isn't even 6ft idk babe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And from there she basically says her anecdote is more reliable and says 'case closed, no arguing about it' and gives me an attitude. This continues through basically anything that has views contrary to hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worse part is if I try to talk to her about it, or talk to her about something she's done wrong that she wouldn't want me to do. I will get hit with emotional appeals, and it's like she throws any type of logic or reasoning out the window whenever it suits not taking accountability for something. &lt;strong&gt;To her, either you are always wrong, or there is always a middle ground that you must abide by.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you guys suppose I fix this? Or talk about this is another way? I'm honestly at a loss right now, and this is really destroying the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8066" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T05:51:38.530" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T05:51:38.530" Title="How to deal with illogical girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-10-31T07:09:51.437" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-10-31T00:31:34.373" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;In many situations, it is not possible to satisfy everyone. Still, some form of compromise can be reached in a lot of cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, your roommates are right to demand that the cat gets out of the apartment. They agreed to it temporarily, and are probably fed up about it, but tolerated it because it was, in fact, temporary (there might even some legal problems, make sure pets are allowed in our apartment).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is &lt;strong&gt;miscommunication&lt;/strong&gt; with your parents. You have some options there. make it clear to them that you understood that this was a temporary solution. You said you will be able to move in a few months. So ask your parents to take back the cat &lt;em&gt;temporarily&lt;/em&gt;, until you can move. Make sure to stress that you &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; tae the cat as soon as you get a new place to live (and make sure your new place to live can accomodate your cat). Your parents will not be happy, but they might agree to this compromise. Make sure to stress that you can not keep the cat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; make it easier for your roommates and might even persuad &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; to keep up with the cat a bit longer. Go out of your way to make sure your at doesn't bother them. Wake up early, before the cat starts to make noise, and either settle the cat or take it outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to clean up after your cat &lt;em&gt;quickly&lt;/em&gt;. Also, littering outside the box is a symptom of a problem. Get another litter box. Preferably a bigger one. Clean it more often. There are usually reasons why cats do not use litter boxes, and all of hem can be remedied (maybe its in the wrong location?). I wonder why you kept the cat for four months and never ever tried to find a solution to the littering problem, it would have gone onto my nerves on the second day, and i would have scarmbled to fix that problem &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; it began inconveniencing my roommates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the littering problem is also a problem for your parents, solving the littering problem might also buy you a lot of goodwill with your parents. &quot;Hey Mom, Dad. Look, I bought this new litter box. The cat really likes it and doesn't poop outside anymore. She is much more easy to handle now. unfortunately, I stil can not keep her in the apartment, but given that she is clean now, she is much easier to take care of. I will also do grocery shopping for you twice a week if you look after the cat until I can move&quot;. Sound like a good compromise, doesn't it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say your girldfirend can not host the cat. Why is that? There are households with multiple cats. Explore that option. you should question what obstacles there are too it and wether those can be remedied (e.g. by castrating your cat, if that is an issue). Don't dismiss this possibility easily. maybe your girlfriend is just afraid of the responsibility? taking care of the cat of another person is a big responsibility, and maybe the issue isn't even the cat, but the leap in your relationship this might mean. So have an open and honest talk with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, you will not achieve a situation where everyone gets what they want &lt;strong&gt;right now&lt;/strong&gt; (because their current wants are contradictory), but you might be able to reach a compromise or modify some wants (or offer some payback) in order to achieve consensus. And &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; will likely be the one to make sacrifices, too, because its &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; cat, and &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; problem and you want to inconvenience others. So make sure you let them feel that you apreciate what they are doing and pay it back in kind (by making sure you do what you can to remedy all problems as far as possible, but also by offering your help, support, and of course free beer now and then).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, explore those options. And be prepared that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are the one who has to make the most sacrifices in order to get your problem solved. Most people are quite approachable and give in to your needs when you demonstrate your goodwill and determination to do the best you can to minimize inconveniences. But make sure to follow up on your promises, as broken expectations lead to frustration and resentment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2020" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T00:31:34.373" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6032" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-10-31T01:28:48.310" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;With one exception, I'm not going to repeat the good advice you have already received, but rather focus on the cat's behavior.  My credentials:  a total of over 100 cat-years of experience with cats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This I will repeat: You should be  &lt;strong&gt;fanatical&lt;/strong&gt; about scooping the litter box and also periodically completely change the litter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should analyze where and when the cat poops outside the litter box.  Does the cat poop near, but outside, the litter box, or does she choose another location?  If the first, the suggestions about a larger box with higher sides may work.  If the second, the cat probably does not feel comfortable using her litter box in the living room when there is a lot of activity going on there.  She may be looking for seclusion and privacy.  We once had a cat who would never poop or pee if a person was nearby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a big cat lover, but I wouldn't want a litter box in my living room.  I don't think a second litter box will appeal to your roommates, unless it is in your private space, and it won't appeal to the cat unless it is in a quieter space than the living room.  You don't say whether you have a room to yourself, but if you do, this is the place for the second box; possibly if the current litter box is moved into your room, you may not need a second box.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it is not appealing to have a litter box in a small bedroom, but you said that you were willing to make sacrifices.  The more fanatical you are about cleaning the litter box, the less the sacrifice will be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you can do to give the cat a secluded, private, quiet place for her litter box will help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more point, because this is Inter-Personal Relationships, not Cross-Species Relationships: Discuss your thoughts about solutions with your roommates, and listen to their input. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not going to address the meowing, because this answer is long enough already -- except, get her to purr when your roommates are around.  Few people can resist a purring cat.        &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T01:28:48.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6030" CreationDate="2017-10-31T01:42:35.547" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;It kind of sounds like you two just have different communication styles. It's a pretty normal issue for couples to have, particularly young couples who are a couple years in and have already gotten past the &quot;honeymoon stage&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing I would recommend is to approach the subject of communication when you're not already arguing about something else and you're both calm and collected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next thing to do is spend more time asking questions about how she would like you to communicate with her than time making statements telling her how you would like her to communicate with you. Chances are pretty good that she'll reciprocate and ask you in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Through the whole thing, do your best to remain calm, don't attack and try not to defend. Any feedback she gives you is ultimately useful even if it doesn't feel that way immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it sounds awfully &quot;meta&quot; but learning to communicate about how you communicate is an incredibly valuable relationship skill. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often people will turn to more emotional arguments when they feel like their thoughts aren't being heard, understood, or generally received. If they're already making emotional statements, telling them that they're being irrational doesn't get you anywhere other than deeper in the hole. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also keep in mind that arguments in a romantic relationship are very rarely thought of, or talked about in isolation. Just as you're seeing her behavior as part of a pattern, she's likely thinking the same about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the things I learned from being married was that sometimes the seemingly irrational/emotional argument I was getting, and sometimes giving, wasn't really about the subject we were arguing about. It was more about the argument style. At a point, the argument turned from the thing we were arguing about to an attempt to simply &quot;win&quot; the argument. Once it's a fight to &quot;win&quot; it doesn't really matter what the argument is about, it becomes about feeling &quot;right&quot; or &quot;vindicated&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, trying to understand where, how, and why your discussions/arguments take that turn will be a very valuable information to have, right? That's why you want to have those meta communication communications.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Before someone pulls the &quot;Women, am I right?&quot;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;Men fall into making emotional arguments too, we're just not as good at recognizing/admitting when we're doing it, because men, in some cultures, aren't raised to acknowledge their own emotional responses... which brings about a whole other bag of issues.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T02:12:17.783" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T02:12:17.783" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6011" CreationDate="2017-10-31T01:49:24.870" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a friend of yours for many years.  I don't see any reason not to simply say to him that you &quot;think it's a bad idea to send gifts to the judges&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am somewhat surprised, however, that a prize committee can be getting &quot;gifts&quot; from the candidates in an academic context.  I'm not naive enough to think this never happens, but it certainly ought to be prohibited by the contest rules.  Perhaps the angle to use with your friend is that this might come back to haunt him if people found out he gave gifts to the judges.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he wins and it comes out he gave gifts to a judge or judges then it will look like a bribe and could be damaging to your friend's career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he looses he can't cry foul if he's also been giving &quot;gifts&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if your friend is the type, he might feel guilty about getting the prize if he won by gift giving - it won't feel like he won on merit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He does indeed deserve it compared to his opponents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I caution you on this thinking.  It may be &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; opinion (and his) that this is the case, but it need not be the honest opinion of others.  People place different values on different work.  Neither you nor your friend should feel he's &quot;entitled&quot; to win.  This way lays bitterness and anger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastEditorUserId="488" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T04:34:27.923" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T04:34:27.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6030" CreationDate="2017-10-31T02:54:16.933" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR -- Assure GF ahead of time that you respect her, and are challenging her facts or analysis, not her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I'm tempted, oh so sorely tempted to go down the boys-are-like, girls-are-like path, but in the interests of gender-peace, I'll demur and get down to business...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your GF is having trouble separating your disagreeing with her ideas with disagreeing with her as a person.  Could it be that -- rightly or wrongly -- she feels like you're making her feel less, or feel stupid?  Not enough info to go on in the Q, but to quote the world's best dad, &quot;search your feelings&quot;.  When you disagree, are you calm and neutral, or is there any snorting &amp;amp; scoffing &amp;amp; eye-rolling going on?  Again, not saying you are doing this, but let's at least check in order to make sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility is that she feels insecure, and has trouble handling disagreement, as it dents her intellectual pride.  Not quite enough info to tell.  But do be aware that she &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; sensitive; when you talk with her you two are searching for truth, not to &quot;win&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leads to the next step.  Talk to her.  &lt;em&gt;Not during a disagreement!&lt;/em&gt;  But bring it up at another time.  Tell her something along the lines of, &quot;You know, I don't think we've been handling minor disagreements well lately.  Am I crazy, or have you noticed this too?&quot;  This should spark some discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During that discussion you should make it clear that you are never attacking her.  You may challenge her facts -- facts and &quot;facts&quot; are all too available these days.  You may challenge her analysis.  But your respect for her is never at issue.  Invite her to understand that if you do come across as being nasty about it, you are really not meaning to.  Might be worth mentioning that &quot;not looking to 'win'&quot; business too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, let's take a quick look at that mixed race height argument.  Both of you guys whipped out anecdotes posing as data.  ;D  When that happens, you might say &quot;Let's take a step back and see if there's been any study on that.  You or I might be seeing outliers in a small sample set.  I mean how many mixed people do we know?&quot;  (Now &lt;strong&gt;I'm&lt;/strong&gt; interested ... I'll have to look this up later)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt; -- Got a little more info from comments.  You have to make it clear to her that this interaction between you (don't say &quot;your behavior&quot;) is causing problems in your relationship.  You feel like she's not giving &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; the benefit of the doubt, and is taking personally abstract arguments.  Point being -- you can't change what she does or how she acts.  You &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; offer her a new perspective, and see if this softens her attitude.  If it doesn't, it's going to be rough dating someone you can't have a civilized discussion with...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="6468" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T03:21:54.690" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T03:21:54.690" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6036" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6045" CreationDate="2017-10-31T03:02:32.933" Score="64" ViewCount="22769" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been dating my girlfriend for two years (I'm 20 and she's 19) but I often find that we're running into situations where I'm being held to a standard that she won't comply with, despite a joint decision to follow the rule. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if we don't like each other personally texting the opposite sex. She'd be angry that there was a woman in my phone. I wouldn't like the same, so we make the compromise not to do said thing as a unit. The problem is, she will end up doing it anyway but avoid fault by basically playing a middle ground. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She'd say something like &quot;OK, but you're just being territorial&quot; and basically act like it was 'OK' because of what she believed/her excuse to avoid accountability. &lt;strong&gt;Yet if I did the same I'd get blasted&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I talk to my significant other about this double standard so that she will stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some background:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never cheated, but we got together in a weird way: she lied about being with another guy , that she said she was technically separated with or something like that. And then I found out, she said it was because she was scared to tell him they were done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I had female friends in the beginning of the relationship, she wanted them all gone because she said &quot;females aren't just friends with guys&quot;. When I talked to her about that she basically said that I am an attractive guy, and females aren't just friends with attractive guys without other motives basically, or that they are just waiting for an opportunity to get intimate. She makes it pretty clear that she doesn't want any other women around period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's explained that she really doesnt get along with or trust other women, and its like.. she doesnt want them to even experience satisfaction in interaction with me. Kind of like even if they smile at me, I must have done something wrong - I made another girl smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8066" LastEditorUserId="1775" LastEditDate="2019-02-20T13:12:39.667" LastActivityDate="2019-02-20T13:12:39.667" Title="How can I convince my significant other to stop double standards?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6020" CreationDate="2017-10-31T03:07:32.820" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll give three options...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Interrupt and introduce&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Address the intruder.  &quot;Sir.  Sir!  My name is OP and this is my partner OP's Partner.  Please, what is your name?&quot;  At this point, most people will either decamp or make the conversation more general, which is not a bad thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Excuse yourselves&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assume one of the new friends is Mark.  &quot;Mark.  Mark!  OP's Partner and I are going to step outside for a moment.  We'll be right back.&quot;  Then you and OP's Partner get up and enjoy a quick stroll around the block, unless (likely) Mark and Mark's Friend come to their senses and either chase Intruder away or make the introductions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show you're annoyed&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now be warned, this advice is skirting the very edge of what could be considered gentlemanly, but it's what I would do.  How do I know?  Because I have...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again assume one of new friends is called Mark.  &quot;Mark.  Mark!  Is this a bad time?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wrap it up...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note all three options include &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; doing something, because Mark and Mark's Friend are not stepping up.  I'd be a little disappointed in them, but who knows their circumstances, right?  Perhaps they're shy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T03:07:32.820" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6011" CreationDate="2017-10-31T03:15:29.620" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;First ...  assume friend's name is Chet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Chet, this notion of gifts to judges ... I have a bad feeling about this.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then wait.  Likely he'll ask you why.  Then you can drop some knowledge on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When&lt;/strong&gt; it comes out, award and grant will probably be revoked, publically and embarrassingly.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he forbears, he'll sleep better at night.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he forbears and wins, he'll know it's because his work was superior, not his gifts.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get any &quot;everyone else is doing it&quot; blowback, point back to items 1, 2, 3 above.  Your friend could really use a copy of Marcus Aurelius...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T03:15:29.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6036" CreationDate="2017-10-31T03:24:11.753" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's clearly a double standard and you two are both being territorial...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're both young and relatively inexperienced and afraid of getting hurt. So, the &quot;logical&quot; thing to do is place barriers or rules that prevent you from getting hurt. Unfortunately it becomes unrealistic and a little silly pretty quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretty much everyone has a good friend of the opposite sex/gender that they're close to that they would never dream of having a romantic relationship with. Most of my really good friends are women. I couldn't have been paid to date most of them... I'm sure you have friends that fall into that category as does your partner. When You meet her &quot;guy friends&quot; are you honestly threatened, or are you just reciprocating the rule placed on you? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that out of the way, this situation should boil down to trust. Even if your female friends are just dying to hookup (unlikely) a good relationship is built on trust. Part of that trust is trusting that you wouldn't do that, regardless of opportunity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any relationship, acting on fears rooted in insecurity is usually a bad idea. Your partner is your partner for a reason. Despite having other options and opportunities, they chose to be with you for a reason, so get over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, the question was &quot;what can you do about this 'double standard'?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like anything in a relationship, you talk about it. Once you get down to causes and conditions, it's probably an unfounded fear issue. Once you examine it, identify it, and discuss it a few times, it's pretty likely to be dismissed as easily as a monster under the bed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T15:26:15.183" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T15:26:15.183" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6011" CreationDate="2017-10-31T07:09:24.050" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This was something I observed when someone I know (not my friend) took this dubious route last year, quoted here from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6011/how-can-i-convince-a-friend-to-not-bribe-to-get-an-award/6040#comment23268_6034&quot;&gt;my own comment&lt;/a&gt; under @StephenG's earlier &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6034/381&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; to this question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A person I know was very sure he deserves selection in a particular employment; he bribed somebody to get the job [just to 'be sure of it' and defeat variables] and went to the interview with an overconfident vibe; he didn't get the job and lost his money, and now feels very bitter whenever he sees the person who actually got selected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do you want that to happen to your friend?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, say nothing. [Option A]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do you just want your friend to be aware of the situation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, make a mild and neutral statement as a 'reminder only', as suggested by @Snow's earlier &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6012/381&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; here. [Option B]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, @akaioi is very right to state in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6038/381&quot;&gt;his earlier answer&lt;/a&gt;  that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When it comes out, award and grant will probably be revoked, publically and embarrassingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;May I add that the University Ethics Committee would make a black mark against your friend that would seriously hurt his professional future: and people tend to socially ostracize someone &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;found caught&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; doing unethical things, even if such behavior is condoned in principle and covertly practiced by the community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So do you want to save your long-time very close friend from moral error and the real prospect of serious vulgar embarrassment?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, take it up with him as a full and earnest argument against employing unethical means to win the award [Option C]  &lt;em&gt;but be aware he will still take the final decision and &lt;strong&gt;you should be ready to lose his friendship in the process&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, because many people I know would find it impossible to remain friends with someone who rightly disapproves of their moral defects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But are you particular to retain his friendship at all costs?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, take no risk and say nothing. [Option D]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would I do? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If any person is a close friend or family member and  matters a lot to me, I will tell them in full detail how and why bribing someone to get something is &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; a bad idea, &lt;strong&gt;and I will risk losing the friendship in the process.&lt;/strong&gt; [Option C] He will still make the final decision but just standing by, and not speaking my mind as he goes about making an objectively very bad decision, would make me a bad friend IMHO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T07:56:58.633" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T07:56:58.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5977" CreationDate="2017-10-31T09:16:55.387" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having read your answer about criminal negligence, I am reminded of one of my recurrent concerns when I was working in public administration a few years ago: if some serious accident occurs due to your supervisor's negligence, &lt;strong&gt;are you sure that by the laws of your jurisdiction it will be your supevisor's responsibility, @apaul, and not yours or one of your co-workers'?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That requires discussion with corporate and legal experts, which is what I would advise as an immediate step before you confront your supervisor 'armed with the knowledge' collected from your earlier discussions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, if the experts you discuss this matter with should make you realize that employees like you shall be responsible for any dire outcome of your supervisor's carefree attitude to safety, then it is time for a group of employees to take up the matter &lt;strong&gt;not with your supervisor&lt;/strong&gt; but with official representatives of the senior management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go to the very top of the company if you need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because as you rightly said, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;safety is non-negotiable.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Post scriptum: when I came to understand that I as a middle manager in public administration would be held legally responsible for any serious consequences arising from negligent actions of my nearly 1000 subordinate staff members, I considered it time to leave that employment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T13:03:49.613" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T13:03:49.613" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6036" CreationDate="2017-10-31T09:57:58.847" Score="159" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what you've said here (and in your other post), there are three problems :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She wants to win every argument and discussion&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She won't stick to agreements intended to fix problems&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She plays mind games with you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of that there's the way you got together, which sounds like she was doing this to you &lt;em&gt;and your predecessor&lt;/em&gt; from the start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that some people never see themselves as being wrong, regardless of what they say or do.  You cannot &quot;fix&quot; this if she is like that, because as far as she's concerned it already works fine &lt;em&gt;for her&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I normally try to encourage people in relationships to work things out, but from what you've said about this, I'd recommend you break up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think she will change because people like this don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will always be the aggrieved party in her own mind and compromise is just a word to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I'm assuming you're less than perfect, but you're at least looking for a solution.  I think, from what you've said, that her solution is to keep things the way they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You haven't moved in together yet - perfect !  Don't move in together.  Break up instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You sound like two people with different goals :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're looking for someone to build a relationship with for the long term with whatever reasonable compromise is needed&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's looking for someone to fill a space in &lt;em&gt;her life&lt;/em&gt; without compromise&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming things are as you say you'll basically be a &quot;victim&quot; in this relationship, but she'll be the one &lt;em&gt;claiming&lt;/em&gt; it's all your fault.  Trust me - you don't want this long term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bail now before you invest too much in the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastEditorUserId="488" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T22:18:40.983" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T22:18:40.983" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6046" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6056" CreationDate="2017-10-31T10:49:06.430" Score="70" ViewCount="28256" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have been seeing each other for almost 3 months, she is 24, I'm 26 years old. We did not 'date' in the regular way, but she comes over to my place regularly (weekly), where we usually 'netflix and chill'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am really not a good talker when it's about relationships, and I think she isn't either, so it has never been brought up. We just talk about what happened that week and what bothers us at work, usual small-talk stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I fear that if I bring up my feelings about her, that it is either too early or too late. She could have not thought about it enough, or she might have had feelings at the beginning, but due to the fact that I haven't told her that I love her, her feelings have vanished (happened to me before).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last week we joined an evening activity with several mutual friends, but before we got there she asked me if we could keep our thing a secret for now. Although I would like to make it public, I respected her wish and kept silent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love her and hope we will have a lasting relationship together, but I don't know how (and when) to tell her that. When we are together, I feel like this feeling is mutual, but the fact that she doesn't want our friends to know about us makes me really uncertain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I want to achieve:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find the right time to tell her how I feel about her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Set up a situation where I can tell her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find out if she loves me back&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;More Information:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, 'netflix and chill' means watching flicks and have sex. She usually stays for the night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My last relationship was a long time ago (5+ years) and ended because of related reasons, I was not communicating my feelings well enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T20:14:13.690" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T12:34:45.923" Title="When and how do I tell the person I've been &quot;Netflix and chilling&quot; with that I love her?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;switzerland&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6036" CreationDate="2017-10-31T11:05:59.580" Score="17" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't have your cake and eat it too, dear!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You could tell your girlfriend that!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm teasing a little but this is what your girlfriend reminded me of. She wants to be able to have control over who you can or can't text, without allowing you to have the same control over who she can or can't text. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask me, this is a bad rule that is going to be broken. Honestly, this is an effort to exert control on each other. Not a good start, not a good sign, unless you are both happy with that on principle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, setting rules when there is no need, to begin with, creates more problems than it solves. And usually rules are meant to be broken. One of you will, sooner or later. &#xA;Having a rule like that won't make you trust each other more or protect you from other people trying to interfere in your relationship or from yourselves (make you less likely to cheat). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust takes time and it's something that both people need to work on and help build. I don't know how many long term relationships you both had-not many I would assume because of your age-but this problem might just be a problem of different levels of maturity and commitment. Are you happy with her? Is she happy with you? Is feeling safe in a relationship important to you both? How would you like to achieve that (within reason)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't feel comfortable with your partner's behavior-any behavior-of course you should talk about it. I'm not saying you should accept something that doesn't make you feel good inside. But always remember, who has the actual problem, you or your girlfriend? (I'm talking about projections).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, being attractive doesn't mean you are willing to let some random woman seduce you and/or &quot;steal&quot; you from your girlfriend. While it might be true that some women might approach you with that in mind, what happens next is up to you, right? You are in control, not them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She sounds a little insecure. If you care about her and your relationship, you could try to find out what made her insecure (she might have been cheated on, or she might have been lied to or she may have low self-esteem), but this will take a lot of honesty and opening up on her part. Is she willing to make herself vulnerable and expose these insecurities to you? What about you? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And please, may I suggest something? Reconsider that rule. Do you really need it? If you do, then again, this will only take care of things on the surface and for a little while, while masking/covering other issues in your relationship. Think about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T14:14:25.373" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T14:14:25.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6046" CreationDate="2017-10-31T13:01:50.807" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wanted to touch a little on the whole secret thing. You replied to my comment that this relationship is not just physical, which could very well be true. Keeping a relationship secret is also a really good way to nurture it without any external influences. Keeping it a secret gives also time to all involved to figure out what the relationship is without making it public knowledge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you're not too big on expressing your feeling verbally, perhaps you're good at expressing you feelings through cooking. Consider preparing a lavish dinner that you cooked for her or even prepare together. Enjoy your dinner and then when you move to the couch to relax, share your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not good at cooking, you could also take her to a restaurant for a romantic dinner. You need to break away from the &quot;netflix and chill&quot; mentality if you're going to move this relationship forward. Once you're done with your dinner, take a walk, sit at a bench and talk. The build-up alone will give you a feeling about how the whole thing will go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you express your feelings to her, be prepared for the fact that she doesn't reciprocate. The fact that she didn't say it back doesn't mean she doesn't feel it. You should not clam up and make things awkward, just give it time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6561" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T13:01:50.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6046" CreationDate="2017-10-31T13:29:23.093" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, to assume that she is exploiting your company for selfish reasons just because she wanted to keep a secret is a little too much. There can be several reasons why she asked you to keep a secret. Maybe she is just not sure yet, because neither of you had make any movement to something more official and serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, there's a lack of communication between the two of you. To talk about it is the best way to understand each others feelings. You can start by asking her what is this relationship that both of you are living in right now. Is it just for fun? Are there feelings envolved? What's the label? Is there any?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bring the subject in some favorable moment and procceed from there. Hopefully, you'll learn what's is going on from her perspective. Depending on how things go, you'll feel confident enough to tell her you love her and that you want to build something else by her side. Or, in a worst scenario, to move on without her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4225" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T13:29:23.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6054" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6055" CreationDate="2017-10-31T14:28:45.740" Score="5" ViewCount="472" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in a situation that I don't know how to solve without hurting the other person's feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, I requested some help from a person which have accepted promptly.&#xA;Help that requires motivation, friendship and time...... (would take a long time to accomplish, one time per week, some hours), things that this person is happy to do and even shifting hours of her life to help me... and all for free. (and no, we're not talking about my therapist :P )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, I've &quot;used&quot; this person help 2 times and I really would not want to continue with this help for a group of reasons: distance to this person; methodology/habits of this person that are very different to mine; and some other things of my private life that I want to keep secret of this person but that affect my availability for the help I requested for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my mind I've thought of all kind of excuses to say to this person that is very kind and friendly, but somehow I think I will always hurt her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any ideas?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8085" LastEditorUserId="8085" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T14:51:05.780" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T18:55:17.660" Title="How to politely decline help that we asked for" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2017-10-31T15:55:13.223" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6054" CreationDate="2017-10-31T14:54:44.063" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give it a positive vibe, instead of a negative one, i. e.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;They don't need to help you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;instead of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You don't want their help&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have good news! You don't need to go to troubles for me any longer. I know that I have made use of your help several times in the past, but I found another way out this time. Still, I'm very thankful to you for your willingness to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also offer them some &quot;compensation&quot; as a little &quot;thank you&quot; for their offer to help, depending on the terms you are with them. Maybe inviting them for coffee and cake or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you convey the information you want (&quot;I don't need your help&quot;), but you make clear, that it is good for them, that you don't want to cut ties with them and are thankful. In the best case, they will accept it right away. This is much more positive than something like &quot;I don't want &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; to help me anymore&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T18:55:17.660" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T18:55:17.660" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6046" CreationDate="2017-10-31T14:55:12.627" Score="137" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said in a comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know how much it means to people in my locale, but to me it's quite serious. I would only use it in a serious relationship. I guess by saying it to her I am kind of trying to set up a conversation where we agree on where we stand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you're going about it backwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are in an undefined relationship right now. You don't know whether or not this woman sees you as a boyfriend or if you're an unattached sexual partner. If what you want is a conversation where you agree on where you stand, initiate one... but don't initiate it by saying &quot;I love you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You clearly see this statement as a very serious one, so reserve it for someone who is primed to accept it. How? By shifting the relationship. Invite her on a &lt;strong&gt;date&lt;/strong&gt; - emphasis here that you're trying to move away from a strictly physical relationship, so don't make this one of your usual Netflix and chill nights. It needs to be something different where the expectation isn't a hookup but some other sort of diversion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What that is is up to you - a nice dinner at your place (since she seems to want this relationship to be private) - or up the ante and make it a public dinner and movie event or lunch and mini golf or breakfast and a stroll in the mountains... whatever floats your boat but the most important thing is to orchestrate it so that you have time to have a real conversation about where you stand and what your &quot;future&quot; looks like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk about your feelings (other than love). Be specific. Be you, though. Be positive, smile, make it fun, rather than too serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her why you enjoy spending time with her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her what you get out of your relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain that you really enjoy your relationship but want to talk to her about where the relationship is going. Tell her what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I've had a really good time today and I'd like to do it again. I'd like to date you - would you be interested in that?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;We've been having an amazing time together, today and before and I'd really like a serious relationship with you, if that's something you're interested in.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for things to not turn out the way you hope - not because it's what's going to happen but so that you can have some responses ready if she has questions. For example, if she declines the date idea, you might need to talk to her about what type of a relationship you have right then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is to be you. Don't use my phrasing up there, don't use my date recommendations. Do something that you and she both enjoy that doesn't involve &quot;chilling&quot;. It's completely possible (considering your ages) that she's not interested in or ready for a committed relationship. Be prepared for that and be accepting of her choices. If she wants to think about it, let her think but ask to talk about it again in a week or two. Leaving it open ended can get a bit confusing. People often need a deadline to really work on something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also need to respect your own feelings, though. If you don't share the same relationship goals, your interactions with her are going to get awkward. If she doesn't want to date you and you can't 100% accept that you're only a sexual partner for her, it may be best for you to get out of the relationship entirely rather than hoping at some point in the future she will change her mind. This sort of thing happens all the time and you're often better off either finding someone interested in the same sort of relationship as you are &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; revisiting your relationship with her at a later date, when she's interested in something more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T21:24:16.907" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T21:24:16.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6011" CreationDate="2017-10-31T14:57:13.233" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am a stickler when it comes to my ethics, especially in a situations such as this. And I know that my friend is as well since we went to college together and known each other for ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either your friend is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a stickler when it comes to his ethics (in which case he would not be doing this), or his ethics are a bit different than you understand (in which case, he might see this as ok), or, finally, he &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a stickler when it comes to his ethics, and has overriden them to do this. If it's either of the first two, you need do nothing &lt;strong&gt;for him&lt;/strong&gt;. (I say this because if he does not agree with you, it is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; ethics which are moving you to act, i.e. taking care of your own discomfort.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if he truly shares your moral perspective, a quiet, private conversation is in order. As you are great friends, the career aspect should not stand in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can point out not only the ways in which this is a breech of ethical standards, which is significant, but there is more to this at stake. There is integrity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If your friend gifts the judges, how will he know he received the award because he truly deserved it? His victory might eventually become a hollow one if he believes the reason he clinched it was because of an appeal to the vanity or greed of the judges. It might even be a cause for guilt later&lt;/strong&gt; (maybe the best recipient was robbed because of his actions.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Integrity is a very important character trait to preserve if one has it to begin with. You would be doing your friend a service by meeting with him, say, over a quiet lunch, and bring up all your observations and thoughts in a non-accusatory manner, and &lt;strong&gt;making it clear that you're leaving the choice up to him.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making it clear that it's his choice and that your friendship won't suffer makes this just a sharing of opinions/ideals, which goes over much better than an attempt to control his behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T15:41:05.043" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T15:41:05.043" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="638" CreationDate="2017-10-31T15:01:50.913" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have autism, and I can completely see myself do this. I don't think this is impossible to fix. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your perspective, it takes time to ask him to do things, and you might forget it, so asking is a burden. But he is probably not even seeing this, because seeing this requires him imagining how you are feeling, and that is quite difficult if you're autistic. He probably thinks that you only want him to do the things he asked, just when you ask him, and not earlier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think that this will be fixed quite easily if you just ask him to start doing specific things on his own. Say something like: &quot;From now on, if you see that I'm setting up for a craft, you should start X&quot; or &quot;From now on, after X happened, you should start preparing Y.&quot; The pattern of &quot;when X happens, do Y&quot; is important, because it gives him a specific rule, and he doesn't need to plan to execute that rule. Just asking him to take more initiative in general is unlikely to work, because he probably doesn't even have the planning skills to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will not really fix his issue with planning and starting things on his own, but that is not your job (and fixing that is very, very difficult). However, this will probably update his mental rules, so that he now starts a task at the moment you specified. Don't expect him to deal with unexpected things, or plan on his own, even after you ask this. If X doesn't happen, but it is logical to you that Y still needs to be done, you will still need to ask him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't work, he might have more severe problems with planning. In that case, a schedule like in Ben I.'s answer might be better. Don't expect him to do anything that is not on the schedule on his own though, no matter how logical it may be to you that it needs to be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8088" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T15:01:50.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6054" CreationDate="2017-10-31T15:02:48.540" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You just need to be honest with the person, that the help that they are giving really isn't working out the way you expected. It might be a bit of an awkward situation for sure, but the alternative is to just keep going down a path you don't care for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do is arrange a time to buy them a lunch or something similar, in a neutral location and you can tell them something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really appreciate the way that you have extended yourself for me, and that you value our friendship enough to want to do this, but after thinking some things through, I've realized that there are things that I just need to take care of myself, I'm not comfortable sharing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are things that she can still help with, you can offer that as an easier out as well. Let her help with some things, while letting her know that you are not going to be relying on her as much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are also going to be asking a different friend with certain things, you should let her know that as well. Hearing it first hand from you is much better than finding out second hand down the line, things like that can cause resentment later. If she asks why, have an answer for her, don't waver back and forth. Just let her know that maybe this other friend has a different perspective, or similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you stress the gratitude and the appreciation of the friendship, and indicate that you may need help in the future, it will make it an easier transition for the both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T15:02:48.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6060" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6046" CreationDate="2017-10-31T15:16:32.097" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to tag three quick things ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Assumptions&lt;/strong&gt; - your life is going to suck if you assume things about what people are thinking or try to imagine their motivation for doing something.  Like the secret relationship.  Trying to guess this stuff is a surefire way add stress to life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;New relationship energy&lt;/strong&gt; -  This stuff lasts up to 2 years ... its basically where you are riding the emotional good feels, regardless of facts.  You seem pretty thoughtful, but it happens to lots of people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Communication methods&lt;/strong&gt; - These are important, because if you pick the wrong one...ie something meaningless to her - she won't understand what you are trying to do.  You are searching for ways or suggestions to do things.  You should read &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;5 languages of love&lt;/a&gt; ... then figure out what type of methods work best with her.  Start small.  The 5 languages isn't super great, but being aware of it makes your life easier.  The suggestions in there for each type are pretty good.  If you're worried about how to talk to her, check out the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;non-violent communication&lt;/a&gt; techniques in the &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/1892005034&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Book&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is that you try to view all dating as finding the right person, at the right time in both of your lives.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, keep in mind it's not a game, where the right moves will get you the girl - that's bad teen movies junk - because all that does is cloud up &amp;amp; confuse realizing if the two of you are a good fit.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example, pay attention to those warning signs - if you're anxious a lot about her - even if she likes you, her controlling the situation and information might be a red flag to her not caring about your emotions as much as her own.  Sitting down to tell her how you feel when she tries to hide you &amp;amp; asking when/if/how you two will share that you hang out as more than friends is a really good idea, whether you are intimate physically or not ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A final closing thought, when I read your &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Find out if she loves me back&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, I think that's definitely a step in the right direction, in that you are getting ready to either step up the relationship or make room in your life for someone who will want the next level of relationship.  I feel like saying, &quot;love&quot; is a bit premature in of that you aren't even in an official relationship, nor have you lived together to figure out if you still 'like' each other after the fights. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, It sounds like you are thoughtful &amp;amp; a good guy - either way, I wish you luck in life! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8087" LastEditorUserId="8087" LastEditDate="2017-11-06T01:04:59.593" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T01:04:59.593" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-31T15:37:34.633" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What do you actually want to achieve?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother-in-law used to simply change the subject, quite abruptly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I do wish they would sack Boris Johnson. I can't stand him. Don't you&#xA;  agree?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Have you noticed that the snowdrops have come up in the park?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I initially found it quite disconcerting but it can actually work surprisingly well. Especially as it's likely that everyone else in the group wants to stop you droning on about Boris Johnson and will respond immediately by switching to the new topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1660" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T15:37:34.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6046" CreationDate="2017-10-31T15:39:09.433" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;This could be one of two very different things, and it's near-impossible for us strangers on the internet to tell which it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Scenario 1: the one-sided relationship&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first possibility is that she has a very different idea of what this is than you do. It sounds like you're developing some pretty strong feelings; it may be that she just thinks of you as a &quot;friend with benefits&quot; or something of that nature, and this is just a casual hookup to her. She comes over, she gets to chat about her day, vent a little, chill out with a movie, and scratch an itch or two. Enjoyable, but nothing serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the case, your best bet is to politely but firmly back out of the relationship. There's no need to cut all ties or stop seeing her, but you need to set a few boundaries. First, you need to set a boundary in your own mind: she is not your SO, and this is not the sort of relationship you want. Allowing yourself to become more attached will only make it hurt more when she explains that the sex is going to have to stop because she's seeing someone and it's going really well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second boundary to set is with her: let her know that you don't think things can continue the way they've been going. If you must explain why, just tell her that you don't think it's a good idea for your emotional state, you're not doing very well with the whole &quot;casual&quot; thing, and it's probably better to just call it a day before someone gets hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may know that it's one-sided, or she might be under the impression that you see the relationship the same way she does. Even if she does know how you feel, she might not be deliberately taking you for a ride; she might just not know how to address it, or be hoping that you'll realise and get past your feelings. Don't assume malice where misunderstanding or awkwardness-aversion are just as plausible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Scenario 2: the awkward beginnings&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second possibility is somewhat happier: she may be in a similar position to you, just a little behind. It's possible that she has feelings for you, but she's not sure how much, or exactly what they mean, or what she wants to do about them. Maybe she wasn't expecting these feelings to develop, maybe she's conflicted because she saw you as a friend and now this is happening, maybe she &lt;em&gt;used&lt;/em&gt; to see this as a FWB thing but now it's something else. If this is the case, then her asking you not to tell anybody is simply a precaution and a defence: she knows that as soon as you say &quot;we're a couple&quot;, people will get excited - which she may find a little overwhelming - and start asking questions - which she may not be sure of the answers to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this scenario, you'll want to have a conversation about maybe doing some other things besides your usual Netflix-and-chill routine, and evolving gradually into whatever style of dating you two want to engage in. Take it slow, and mostly keep doing whatever you've been doing because it seems to have worked so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to tell the difference&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is generally viewed as the hard part. The solution is actually very simple, but in relationships, &quot;simple&quot; is very different to &quot;easy&quot;, and it's often the simplest parts that are hardest. This may be one of those times, because the simplest way to find out what's going on is to &lt;em&gt;talk to her&lt;/em&gt; about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've said you're not great at talking about your feelings, and you suspect that she might not be either. I won't lie to you - that's not going to work in your favour. On the other hand, it's absolutely a thing you'll have to figure out if you want a lasting relationship, so you may as well bite the bullet and try it now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that she asked you to &quot;keep our thing secret for now&quot;. That's a good start - it gives you an opening. Just ask her - casually, and gently - &quot;hey, I was just wondering about what you said the other day - I don't mind keeping it a secret for now, but what sort of things might make you more comfortable with people knowing?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not asking for a timeline here - do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; mention dates or timeframes. What you want is more like a roadmap; stages along the journey from &quot;friends&quot; to &quot;in a relationship&quot;. If she says she doesn't want to make it official until you've been on a few proper dates, or something of that kind, then that's something you can work towards. If she says something more vague, like she wants some time to think, or she's not sure what she's feeling, then maybe you could suggest - again, &lt;em&gt;gently&lt;/em&gt; - that you go on a few dates, just to see how it goes, and maybe that'll help her work it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be that the conversation doesn't really bear much fruit. That's fine; if she's really reluctant to talk about it, just let it be and move on to safer conversations, and circle back to it a week or two later. You may have to do this a few times, but that's alright as long as you make a little progress each time the conversation comes up. By &quot;progress&quot;, I mean... well actually it's hard to define clearly what &quot;progress&quot; means, but in general if you wait til she's gone and you're alone, and you ask yourself &quot;is anything different to the last time we had that talk?&quot;, chances are you'll know the answer, even if you're not willing to admit it. It might be that she's opening up more about her feelings; it might be that she's admitted she feels something for you; maybe she's started taking the initiative and suggesting date-like activities you could do together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if these conversations start to get repetitive, or if she keeps shutting you down whenever you try to ask, then it starts to become more likely that you're actually in Scenario 1 and she's trying to keep you from figuring out so she can take advantage of it for a little longer. It might also be that she's just really unsure and averse to talking about it, but to be frank, I wouldn't advise starting a relationship with someone who's that unsure whether they want to be with you, and unwillingness to discuss her feelings with you is rarely a good sign, so either way your course of action is the same: revert to Scenario 1, set boundaries, and get out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Some small observations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two things I want to pick up on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, when you went out with some friends, she asked you not to mention it to anyone. That indicates that she's aware that you feel there might be something to announce, which suggests that she is at least partially aware of your feelings. I'd advise against reading into that, but it's worth bearing in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, you seem to be heading into classic new-relationship-overthinking territory. You're trying to figure out how she's feeling, you're coming up with scenarios (&quot;she might have had feelings at the beginning, but due to the fact that I haven't told her that I love her, her feelings have vanished&quot;), and generally analysing the whole thing in great detail. You've even come to ask the internet for advice and assistance in how to proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not criticising you; this is normal, and just shows that you feel pretty strongly about her. All I'm saying is that by doing this, you're complicating things, and it's making you miss the obvious solution: if you want to know how she feels, &lt;em&gt;ask her&lt;/em&gt;. Be honest, be open, and be gentle. Tell her you've been thinking about your relationship, and you're not sure what it is or where it's going, so you'd like to get her take on things. She can answer that question way better than any of us strangers on the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2521" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T15:39:09.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6054" CreationDate="2017-10-31T15:53:31.527" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say something like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm grateful for all the help you've given me, thank you.  I'm feeling as if I'm making our friendship too one-sided by relying on you for so much help.  I know that you may not feel that way, but I am starting to, and I don't want to rely so heavily on you.  Thank you again for all the help you've given me, I really appreciate it, and If I ever get in a real mess, I know I can rely on you.  You are a great friend for being there when I need you.  Now, let me be more of your friend and less of a responsibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T15:53:31.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-10-31T16:02:00.823" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My summary of the situation ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You sat down and asked the roommates if you can keep the cat.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They said no.  They listed the bio hazards and noise complaints as&#xA;primary concerns.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You are here to learn how to present the fact you have to keep the cat in a political manner that balances your responsibility for the cats life against the needs of the roommates to return to the status quo; pre-cat.&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I try to go to &lt;code&gt;non-violent communication&lt;/code&gt; (&lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/1892005034&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Link&lt;/a&gt;) techniques of listening to their problems, restating them in your words until they get out all of their concerns &amp;amp; also deflate any emotional stress.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Open the door for other expectations they have of you which might not be fulfilled?  Is there something else that makes you unwilling to work with me till June when we can part ways?  Did you plan on parting ways even before the cat?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Maybe they want their own cat &amp;amp; this is a good way of laying ground rules the household pets?  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is there another way to turn it into a situation in which they can benefit from?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Trade something for their acceptance of the cat?  Maybe you do extra rounds of dishes or agree not to play music late at night?  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Offer to keep the cat in your room if possible till the liter issue is resolved?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the side, as this is only about interpersonal ... perhaps the compromise is getting the parents to split the time till you can move out?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which leads to the second question someone else nailed ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;how would you go about negotiating with the girlfriend if you had to move in with her?  Who gives up their cat?  Perhaps this a chance to acclimate the two cats slowly...which might help 3 months at the gfs for kitty - giving everyone a break, 3 months again at your place &amp;amp; 3 months at the parents while you &amp;amp; maybe the girlfriend are packing/moving etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8087" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T16:02:00.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-31T16:04:01.073" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people are just looking for a debate - while that's fine, it sounds like all you really want to do is &lt;em&gt;avoid&lt;/em&gt; starting a debate about particular topics.  And if that's the case, then you should just be upfront about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Well, you might have a point, but I'd rather not get into a debate about X right now.  &#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mind that a wary listener might notice &quot;you might have a point&quot; as very weak agreement and take offense - so you may want to leave it off and cut straight to &quot;I'd rather not talk about/get into a debate about X right now&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which acknowledges the validity of their point (not that you &lt;em&gt;agree&lt;/em&gt; with it, but that they have one - which is usually what the speaker is looking for anyway) and indicates that you'd rather not continue the discussion. This works even if you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; agree with the person, but would rather not talk about the subject at the moment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you'd rather &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; acknowledge that the point they're making is valid, you can side-step it by simply cutting to &quot;I'd rather not get into a debate about X&quot; - and if the speaker insists on making their point, reiterate that you don't like to talk about X - this makes it so that you aren't directly shutting their point down, but just trying to avoid talking about something that makes you uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this doesn't completely absolve you of any rudeness - not wanting to talk about something can upset certain people if they're very passionate about it - but it does allow you an avenue to avoid certain topics you'd rather not discuss at the moment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastEditorUserId="3209" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T17:21:40.063" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T17:21:40.063" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6036" CreationDate="2017-10-31T16:25:37.060" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lets not overlook the fact you are 20 and she is 19, neither of you can drink yet, you think you have problems now, just wait until you are 21 and she is 20 and you want to go out and get blasted on you birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What this all boils down to is insecurity, in my 38 years, and two divorces has taught me is that trust is the #1 reason relationships work or do not, #2 in my personal opinion is respect. If she cannot trust you or you cannot trust her then you might as well break up now and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was first married at 20 worst decision I ever made, that being said 1 thing i noticed about my peers at that time, who also married early and are still married to this day, each of them you could not see we happy but could tell, they trusted and respected each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both are very young and have a whole life ahead of you, in 10 years you will both be totally different people, dont get hung up on the people you are today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer the question directly, some double standards are purely suspicion, you have no proof or past history that an event might occur but you 'feel' it might, I have a double standard in my relationship I dont like my girlfriend driving at night, she is not a good driver during the day let alone when the lights go out, she has had a couple fender benders, not her fault, so she says, I can drive at night any time. Sometimes this is not possible with jobs, or other activities, ones i really do not want to go to, ie. girls night out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have trust and respect and a very open line of communication. I know it hard to think about but having 100% trust in someone is hard given past experiences, for the OP's example, if you do not trust her around other guys then are you sure you are dating the right type of girl?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="73" LastEditorUserId="73" LastEditDate="2017-11-01T13:36:30.683" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T13:36:30.683" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6046" CreationDate="2017-10-31T16:30:37.373" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give&amp;nbsp;her little romantic presents every day for a week (flowers, box of chocolates, teddy bear, etc.). If she wasn't thinking about you as a potential romantic partner, she will now. Then you can tell her how you feel. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It won't blindside her and you'll get an answer to you question. Just keep in mind that it might not be the answer you want. My suggestion is that you don't try to &quot;convince&quot; her to like you by trying to find the perfect combination of timing and words. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8091" LastEditorUserId="8073" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T20:06:35.633" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T20:06:35.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6069" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6077" CreationDate="2017-10-31T16:51:33.907" Score="4" ViewCount="344" Body="&lt;p&gt;So this personally is not me, but I saw it happen in our work chat room. A co-worker asked an overseas team to do something (we're in the USA). Their team lead replied about it being a holiday over there and would get to it the next day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My co worker seemed mad, and brought up that he submitted this ticket last Monday. The thing that rubs me the wrong way is using the phrase &quot;FYI&quot; which to me sounds hostile, or at the least, not empathetic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Am I wrong to think this, or is there a better phrase to bring up that you previously submitted something and have been waiting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7839" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T18:20:04.633" Title="Bringing up that something was mentioned before" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-31T16:59:23.923" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;We call this validation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note in here too - often in the current american culture - we have some pretty polarized views &amp;amp; the emotions run heavy, it's likely anything but agreement can trigger the unwanted conflict.  That's why I recommend people deal with the human connection &amp;amp; not the statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know potentially the other person might be spoiling for a fight or be hurt inside if you don't agree.  So instead of validating the discussion, you validate the human &amp;amp; seek to grow your connection with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First you accept &amp;amp; validate that they were talking to you, &quot;Thank you for sharing!&quot; or anything similar, ... its short and address the human behind the statement without engaging the statement.  Be sure your delivery is adjusted to the audience...some people in a snarky atmosphere might mistake what you said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally, based on the situation &amp;amp; how much you care - you could tie it to them personally, with a sentiment of caring, &quot;I imagine that affects your life a lot.&quot;  or close to this which lets them talk about their distress which was caused the superficial statement they made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note:  Most of my philosophy comes from humans are emotional &amp;amp; the emotion has to be handled before the logical points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you ever looked into &lt;code&gt;non-violent communication&lt;/code&gt;?  Its my go to in tough situations, but pretty basic, &quot;I think I see what you mean when you say {POINT}, it's that {SUPPORTING POINT}&quot;.  Then they reply back confirmation.  It helps defuse down the emotional turmoil too, especially if you are able to say something like, &quot;This is a problem, how do you feel it really effects you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8087" LastEditorUserId="8087" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T17:13:15.817" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T17:13:15.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6036" CreationDate="2017-10-31T17:12:59.600" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of these answers are going into great detail, and they raise some good points. I'm going to do something slightly different. I'm going to be blunt, and cut straight to the salient points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Double standards&quot; is a troublesome thing. It's ok to have a relationship where one person behaves differently, if that's been agreed. For example, I trust my fiancée entirely and have always been fine with her hanging out with her friends, of any gender. However, there have been times when I've deliberately avoided spending too much time alone with certain people, because I know those people make her uncomfortable. It's not a &quot;double standard&quot;, it's just being mindful of one another's feelings. The key difference is that this was agreed by both parties - it was something I &lt;em&gt;chose&lt;/em&gt; to do out of respect for her feelings. In your scenario, she's &lt;em&gt;told&lt;/em&gt; you to do it, and not given any thought to &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; feelings about these people. Conversely, you've pointed out that you're uncomfortable with what she's doing, and she's told you that you're being territorial and she was totally ok to do it. She is disregarding your feelings here; there's no other way to put it. Do you really want to be with someone who believes that it's totally ok for her to do something that she knows will upset you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting aside the inconsistent application of this rule for a moment, let's look at the rule itself: effectively, your SO has told you that she doesn't want you spending time with other women. In fact, you said in a comment that &quot;its like she doesnt want them to even experience satisfaction in interaction with me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ooohhh, boy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your SO being uncomfortable with you getting close to other women is one thing. Your SO not allowing you to keep in touch with your friends is not ok, regardless of what gender those friends are. Your SO not liking it when any other woman is in any way happy to see you or gains any enjoyment from your presence... &lt;em&gt;run&lt;/em&gt;. She is telling you to cut all contact with people you care about without making allowances for how might you feel about that, and without showing any willingness to make similar sacrifices. She's also cutting you off from anyone you might be able to compare her to, or have feelings for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gets even worse when we think about the fact that she got with you by lying about her relationship status. She told you that she was &quot;technically separated&quot;, and then she said &quot;she was scared to tell him they were done&quot;, and only finally broke up with him &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; you were together. I'll be blunt: you did not &quot;get together in a weird way&quot;. She cheated on her ex, and you were the other guy. When she said they were &quot;technically separated&quot;, what she was saying was that the relationship was over, but he didn't know it yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll say this once: there is &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; good reason to start a relationship without first properly ending the previous one. By seeking a new relationship without breaking it off with the previous guy, she showed a total lack of regard for his feelings. The only way for them to be &quot;technically separated&quot; is if they were married, they had split, and the legal matters of divorce had not yet been finalised. Otherwise, there is no &quot;technically&quot; about it: if she hadn't told him it was over, then she was still in a relationship, and anything that happened with anyone else was cheating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To sum up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has shown a lack of regard for your feelings, and has done so in previous relationships as well&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has shown an unwillingness to reciprocate or compromise when it comes to &quot;rules&quot; she expects you to abide by&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is trying to cut you off from people you care about&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She cheated on her last partner&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She described her cheating as some &quot;weird&quot; scenario where it was &quot;technically&quot; ok for her to start a new relationship while still with her previous partner&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has a preoccupation - almost an obsession - with the possibility of cheating, despite the fact that you have never cheated on anyone&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has more red flags than a communist matador's convention. &lt;strong&gt;Run&lt;/strong&gt;. Get out, be single for a while, do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; go back when she inevitably breaks down and promises to change, ignore whatever she says or whoever she blames it on if things turn nasty, spend as much time as you like with your friends who are there to support you, regardless of what gender those friends are, and next time find someone who is single, who respects your feelings, and who understands that relationships are built on trust and compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2521" LastEditorUserId="2521" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T09:08:00.633" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T09:08:00.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6072" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6069" CreationDate="2017-10-31T17:25:23.730" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can always mention something - even something uncomfortable - such that you don't come across as rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, instead of saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;FYI&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, I sent you this last week!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you can phrase it in a more mild manner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I believe the issue was first mentioned last week. I was wondering if there were any updates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're still to blame for not doing the work, but there's no need to be rude about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T17:25:23.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6046" CreationDate="2017-10-31T17:31:25.210" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Interestingly, yesterday I happened to be reading stuff I wrote when I was your age, on this very subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with the other posters who say (based on your limited description) “&lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/01NHcTM5IA4?t=13s&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;that’s not a SO&lt;/a&gt;” &lt;sup&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=That&amp;#39;s+not+a+knife&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;(backup link)&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, when you get together, do you talk?  You mentioned “small talk” about what bothers you at work and stuff, but is it a minute of social introduction, or do you have long conversations and exchange philosophical views and personal anecdotes in some depth?  Do you — &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; you — spend solid hours just talking?  &lt;strong&gt;Do you know what major events shaped her life, and what her goals and dreams are?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don’t talk, really, to this extent, then I would say you don’t know what love &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; yet and what you’re feeling is infatuation or attraction (the desire to &lt;em&gt;become&lt;/em&gt; closer).  I would call this talking as the activity in itself, not “small talk”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do talk, then talk about movies.  Do you watch old romantic movies with her? &#xA;Discuss them, and the relationships portrayed.  A perfect example is the 1957 version of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_Affair_to_Remember&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;An Affair to Remember&lt;/a&gt;, when Cary Grant waited for Deborah Kerr at the top of the Empire State Building until midnight.  How he changed his life around in order to have a meaningful relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk about your pasts, and what you want for your futures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk about what &lt;em&gt;love&lt;/em&gt; means.  The ancient Greeks had &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love#Ancient_Greek&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;four different words&lt;/a&gt; for love: storge, philia, eros, and agape.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I posted nearly 23 years ago:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The word &quot;love&quot; can be used for a lot of things.  You can love ice cream, love&#xA;  your best friend, love your relatives, love the time you spend at a favorite&#xA;  activity, love you dog, love your spouse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But, your question indicates a specific use.  A line I heard in a TV show once:&#xA;  A person told her best friend (of opposite gender), &quot;I love you.  I'm just not&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;in&lt;/em&gt; love with you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, what's it mean to be &quot;bonded&quot; in a romantic relationship with someone? The&#xA;  above would indicate that it's something &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; than the normal use of ‘love’&#xA;  as meaning a strong affection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;⋮&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, given that feeling &quot;love&quot; makes you high, what happens next?  My &quot;SO&quot; would&#xA;  be a best friend.  This would be the kind of friend I could discuss anything&#xA;  with, share secrets, comfort and take comfort from, share in common activities&#xA;  with, and in general be the first person I think of when wanting to share some&#xA;  joke or idea.  Lying would be &lt;em&gt;impossible&lt;/em&gt;.  I don't mean I would not want to&#xA;  do it, but rather than two people who know each other that well would know how&#xA;  the other thinks.  An outstanding lie (such as trying to hide a surprise party)&#xA;  would influence other thoughts and behaviors to the point where I noticed the&#xA;  discrepancy from how she reacts to something vs. how I thought she would.&#xA;  Close couples seem to read each other's mind, because they know how the other&#xA;  thinks and will know what the other might have thought from some stimulus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There are best friends and there are &lt;strong&gt;Best Friends&lt;/strong&gt;.  My wife would be the&#xA;  latter.  But, as is being discussed on another thread, being close friends is&#xA;  not all there is to it.  Sex is just the icing on the cake, or so we like to&#xA;  believe.  But physical attraction still plays a role.  Physical contact should&#xA;  be pleasant, and the relationship should be intimate on the physical level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I did, with a long-distance relationship that was &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; long discussions, was discuss this very subject for a while.  So when I did say those three words (at the end of a real-life date), she knew I wasn’t being frivolous and exactly what complete romantic love meant to me.  It was still difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Especially considering your last line&lt;/strong&gt;, you need to communicate your feelings with each other.  Not just the in-the-moment feelings towards each other, but everything.  Again, &lt;strong&gt;can you&lt;/strong&gt; tell us now what her 5-year plan is, what are her long-term goals in life, and what are her dreams?  Do you know her family dynamic in some detail, and how it’s the same and different from your own?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, what do you want in a relationship?  Do you understand that yourself, and, just as I ask if you know her goals and family dynamic and such, does she know what you want in a relationship, too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to providing for a shared experience, movies are only so-so.  Sure, you both see the same show, but without following it up with discussions it doesn’t really let you know the other person.  There is no interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So plan other activities where you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; things together.  Perhaps eat in, but fix dinner together.  Go to local attractions like (this time of year) the Christmas lights and community presentations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8073" LastEditorUserId="8073" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T19:08:25.453" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T19:08:25.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6046" CreationDate="2017-10-31T17:40:30.773" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest (and this would apply to any future relationship of yours too), that you regularly &quot;check in&quot; about the health and status (if applicable) of the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What this would look like&lt;/strong&gt;:&#xA;Every once in a while (once a month, once every two months, whatever) when you guys are in a good mood and location to talk; ask: &quot;How are you doing? How are you feeling our relationship is going?&quot; This can be continued with questions such as &quot;Is there anything you feel is lacking?&quot;, &quot;Where do you see our relationship in xx months (6 months/1 year/5 years/etc)?&quot;, &quot;What do you want out of our relationship?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking these kinds of questions you open up a conversation and in theory she would respond with her answer and then ask you for your opinion/perspective (if she doesn't ask though, you can always give your answer anyways).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having an open dialogue is important. My husband and I refer to the conversation(s) we had at the beginning of our relationship as &quot;DTR&quot; conversations. &quot;Define The Relationship&quot; conversations :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also said that you have trouble expressing your feelings. It may help you to read a book called &quot;The 5 Love Languages&quot;. The premise is that there are 5 &quot;languages&quot; of love: Words, Touch (sexual and non-sexual), Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts. Every person has one (or more) of these languages that is &quot;their language&quot;. The default language a person has is the way each person will by default express love and &lt;em&gt;interprets love coming from others&lt;/em&gt;. For example, a person who's language is &quot;Gifts&quot; may pick up little trinkets for their SO all the time, leave notes, pick a flower for their SO that they saw on their walk, etc. But if their SO's language is say... Touch, they may wonder if the person loves them because they would rather hold hands, hug, etc and the gifts may be mostly meaningless to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general a person's language is the default way that THEY express love but may not be how their SO &lt;em&gt;interprets it&lt;/em&gt;. For your previous SO, I'd assume that perhaps hers may have been &lt;em&gt;Words&lt;/em&gt; and I'd assume that &quot;words&quot; is NOT your language if you have trouble expressing your feelings. The book helps to illustrate ways that people can make efforts to express love in their SO's language: in a way that their SO can &quot;understand&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding your immediate problem though, I also vote for &quot;start dating her properly&quot;. Take her to the movies, take her for coffee, dinner, wander the mall together, go hiking, exercise together, play games, discuss books, cook meals together, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastEditorUserId="2397" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T17:47:12.453" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T17:47:12.453" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6069" CreationDate="2017-10-31T17:51:11.130" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Always stick to facts ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you aware this issue was outstanding with no communication to me since Monday - I understand now that you are holiday at your office - is there any chance you can check the status for me now &amp;amp; push this when everyone comes back?  Additionally, can you make sure someone notifies the other offices when they are going to be gone for more than the weekend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally the FYI type situations stem from a poorly formed check on the situation or a lazy communication in layman's terms, though not always.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation likely happened because of the first message no having that full explanation - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey &lt;code&gt;(human)&lt;/code&gt;, On &lt;code&gt;(day/date+time?)&lt;/code&gt; I opened a ticket &lt;code&gt;(ticket #)&lt;/code&gt; for &lt;code&gt;(brief description to ensure right ticket # &amp;amp; issue)&lt;/code&gt;.  I haven't received any updates in my &lt;code&gt;(email/chat/phone calls)&lt;/code&gt; since &lt;code&gt;(date of last update)&lt;/code&gt;.  I need the information by this &lt;code&gt;(date)&lt;/code&gt;, because &lt;code&gt;(this reason)&lt;/code&gt;.  It would make me feel better if someone could get me status in the next &lt;code&gt;(hours/days)&lt;/code&gt; so I know where the issue stands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Had a girl with a photographic memory in my group once.  She was a crazy good worker, did ordering.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She would work up phrasing.  Then think &amp;amp; rethink the initial email in order to send it, like 5 or 10 minutes.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After that first send, all communications with her included copy &amp;amp;&#xA;pasted chunks of the conversation she had questions about &amp;amp; guidance&#xA;to what type of answer would make her happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She would still get mad at people &amp;amp; such, but it never bled in to the email world - it was as pristine as her memory.  Everyone had mad respect for her emails...they were basically the gold standard.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Further when she talked to people (frequently), she would summarize the conversation back, attaching relevant bits so people could confirm or correct any inconsistencies. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should mention in here - no one likes being reminded of their failures - she was respected for her skills, but kind of viewed as an odd duck - so you can be more forgiving than the purely technical first scenario I presented...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you aware this issue was outstanding with no communication to me since Monday?  Is there any chance you &lt;strong&gt;work with me&lt;/strong&gt; by checking the status for me now &amp;amp; push this when everyone comes back?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8087" LastEditorUserId="8087" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T18:20:04.633" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T18:20:04.633" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1737" CreationDate="2017-10-31T18:02:20.067" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ugh, I despise that sort of person ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you didn't check with me before promising other people I would do this thing.  You trying to get something from me, that's a commission.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I've got other plans you are paying me emergency rates.  Which is &lt;code&gt;(double/triple)&lt;/code&gt; my hourly rate at work.  Additionally, that's in addition to bringing me a shrubbery or all the ingredients for the cake.  Alternatively I can recommend several good bakeries / confectioneries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8087" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T18:02:20.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6046" CreationDate="2017-10-31T18:08:28.383" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Saying I love you is always a big step in a relationship. From reading what you said I am seeing the strong possibility that you want to say &quot;I love you&quot; to her to seal the relationship up. Or as a way to add some definition and security to the relationship. What you will be doing is forcing an issue, and when that happens it could go either way for you, might end up screwing up what you have or bring you joy and bliss or you may look back and find that Netflix and chill was the only great thing about this relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best relationship advice I ever got was, you should always be ready to walk away. This just means a little detachment. It is not unhealthy to be sure that you have what you need from a relationship. The way to get that is to talk to her. No tricks, no BS (and I think telling her you love her might be a little BS), just step up the relationship, with something simple like letting her know that you want to step up the relationship. How you do that should be they way you want to do it, with flowers, seeing her more, more conventional dating, meeting parents, whatever it is your comfortable expressing honestly and without to much BS to it, and makes you feel sure she understands the intent here. But you do need to express that your fondness is growing before you throw the I love you grenade. You will know the day I love you is right, and will be able to say it easily as simple truth, and not as an expression of insecurity with the terms of your endearment as they currently are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your ready to walk away, its just like buying a car, everything is going to go easier for you. Your going to get the car you want, or your going to find the car you want. With a mate, the only thing you should never want, is a person that does not want you pretty much as is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step up your game, let her know, tell her what your feeling, and/or show her what your feeling. If your willing to walk away, you will be comfortable walking away from the notion of a long term committed relationship with her, and maybe still maintain that short term recreational relationship with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if it doesn't work out, please get out more. Five years in your early twenties without a relationship is recipe for relationship dysfunction in the future. Every time you go out, every relationship you have, rather successful or not, teaches you something about yourself and what you like, that definitely makes you better for the person you will hopefully find someday.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8098" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T18:08:28.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6080" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6081" CreationDate="2017-10-31T18:10:00.130" Score="190" ViewCount="50330" Body="&lt;p&gt;I swim twice a week in a sports complex.  My hours are late and the place is almost empty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days ago a guy started a chat with me while I was in the sauna. I saw nothing wrong with it, so I maintained the small talk, but then the guy asked me out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said I wasn't interested,  but he wouldn't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer, though I told him no at least ten times. He also asked me for my phone number. Not wanting to give him a fake one I said &quot;not interested,  thanks&quot; another time and escaped to the swimming pool. The guy followed me there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He almost gave me a heart attack when he groped me in the water. What's more, the guy who swam in our lane told us off (probably thinking we were a couple) to take it somewhere else, then swam off, annoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than him there was only the lifeguard (in quite a distance) and a few other swimmers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I couldn't get rid of the guy I escaped to the changing rooms and waited there for him to leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I do if I encounter him next time? Tell the lifeguard?  But his job is to rescue people from the water, not from sexual harassment? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Environment: western, liberal&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8097" LastEditorUserId="3188" LastEditDate="2017-11-01T10:39:25.030" LastActivityDate="2020-07-10T18:36:48.290" Title="How to deal with unwanted attention at the swimming pool?" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;&lt;sexual-assault&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2017-10-31T18:17:28.603" Score="357" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not an interpersonal issue as such, it's a security concern. I don't advocate overreacting, or misinterpreting polite interest, but the guy has gone way beyond the pale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've done nothing wrong - it's he who needs a lesson in interpersonal skills. And the best way to teach him that is by informing security (or staff) the next time he so much as looks at you funny. In fact, you should have done so the second he accosted you in the swimming pool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about involving the life guard, or even bystanders. As staff, the life guard will know who to call in that situation. Immediately, and loudly state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I've told you I'm not interested, please step away, and &lt;em&gt;don't touch me&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it public, and make it loud. This creep may very well get kicked out, or even banned from the place, and that will be his lesson - hopefully he's a quick study.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-07-10T18:36:48.290" LastActivityDate="2020-07-10T18:36:48.290" CommentCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6046" CreationDate="2017-10-31T19:10:31.263" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of comments are about how you need to play relationship games in order to progress (be less available, date other girls etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm an orthodox I guess when it comes down to it. If you want to achieve long term happiness and generally not turn your life into a lifelong RPG where your happiness is tied to outwitting you partner, be honest, simple and straightforward about the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her that you enjoy her company and like spending time with her and that you want to discuss where it is going.&#xA;Next step depends on how she responds. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WARNING: It is entirely possible that you are her comfort buddy and nothing more so be prepared for a harsh blow if it comes down to it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: Do not say that you love her. You like being with her and it's a good idea to keep it at that for now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8101" LastEditorUserId="8101" LastEditDate="2017-10-31T20:51:57.270" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T20:51:57.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-10-31T19:41:12.700" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My favorite strategy is simply to repeat the person's opinion back to him or her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see, so you think that economic benefits of this bill offset the&#xA;  environmental consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person who is truly looking for confirmation will appreciate the validation and not press you for further discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8105" LastEditorUserId="8105" LastEditDate="2017-11-01T15:51:00.873" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T15:51:00.873" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6088" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6036" CreationDate="2017-10-31T20:29:50.323" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the examples given, you should stop making ridiculous agreements based on controlling each other and jealousy. If either of you wants to cheat, those silly &quot;rules&quot; aren't going to help. Only trusting each other, and living up to it, will work long term. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you trust her, tell her so and let her have friends and text whoever she wants. Then expect / require the same freedom from her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're doing now is not going to help and it is not going to stop anyone from being jealous. It is a toxic behavior, which seems from your examples to be mostly from her part, but since you're the one asking, that could be biased.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are other problems with regards to double standards, something else might be a better solution, but for anything that is just about jealousy, stop getting pushed around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have good friends of either sex, don't drop them because she wants to control you. Those friendships might very well outlive your relationship with this woman. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1851" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T20:29:50.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2017-10-31T21:13:12.983" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your saying &quot;no&quot; to him did not register.  You have the options of using verbal communications to &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; people: shouting for help because you are being assaulted.  Or using nonverbal means registering with him: kicking him in the stomach or groin.  Hitting him in the face.  It is well possible that he will see that as an invitation to physically overpower you: do it when others are around who might come to your help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case you should loudly be yelling to make the situation be clear: &quot;get off me creep, I told you so, don't touch me, don't keep pestering me.  I don't know you, asshole.  Help!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a guy who does not take &quot;no&quot; for an answer: make sure that by the end of the encounter his personal details are known to the life guard and better yet to the police.  You don't want him to get back to you outside of the pool complex.  And you don't want to let him move to the next victim either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is rape culture shit that society is better off without.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And with the regard to the life guard: he is there to guard your life.  Don't have any qualms about engaging him where your life is in danger.  Make very clear that this guy is pestering and touching you against your explicit will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pool has an interest in keeping their patrons, and this guy is acting against that interest and will scare off (or worse) more than you.  They have a duty to keep him from doing that if they are running a public facility, by all means necessary, including banning him from the premises and calling the police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But for your own protection, you should want the police getting his personal information, not just have him banned from the pool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8108" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T21:13:12.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2017-10-31T21:16:59.517" Score="62" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry this happened to you. You didn't do anything wrong - this guy kept harassing you even after you made it clear you weren't interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you encounter him again, tell him once &quot;No, I'm not interested&quot;, or &quot;Go away&quot;, or &quot;Please don't touch me&quot; as loudly as you can - then absolutely report him to the lifeguard. They will know who to involve to help you deal with this guy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to consider reporting what happened to the staff at the sports complex. They may be able to warn the lifeguards to keep an eye open for patrons who are being harassed. Also, if this man has been harassing others, the more incidents the staff know about, the easier it is to build a case to warn/ban this guy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7976" LastActivityDate="2017-10-31T21:16:59.517" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6092" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-10-31T21:49:39.650" Score="2" ViewCount="341" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a partner who is struck by life problems emotionally much more deeper than me. Whenever a setback or tragedy occurs, my partner cries about it and is sad for a long time. Although I have empathy for him and I express it, I cannot make &lt;em&gt;myself&lt;/em&gt; terribly sad about it and wallow in self-pity. I accept the cards I have been dealt in life and try to move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of my mentality, even if I express my sympathy, it is often not enough. My partner often complains: &quot;I wish you also were sad, that would make me feel better. Why aren't you as upset/sad/angry about this as I am?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe my partner needs me also to be sad to normalize his own sadness. I don't know. I am not sure what to do, because I follow a Stoic philosophy (which also means I do not show extreme jubilation when something good happens, which my partner also finds strange -- but in this case doesn't complain).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is: How do I deal with situations in which my empathy is not enough?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8110" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T02:16:10.993" Title="How do I deal with a partner who is more emotional than me?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-01T06:10:50.160" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6096" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6092" CreationDate="2017-11-01T01:02:24.680" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't possibly pretend to be terribly sad or so. You might want to let him know that you truly understand his situation and feelings and assure him that you will be there for him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone has different characters. Some people might be emotionally weak and some people might be emotionally strong. You can explain to him (when he feels better) on why you behave such but the most important thing is to assure him that you truly understand him and will be there for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7327" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T01:02:24.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6092" CreationDate="2017-11-01T01:44:01.083" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Look, I'm with you.  I am also a fan of the Stoics -- have a copy of M. Aurelius' Meditations stashed away for when I need it.  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing to do is ask yourself this:  &lt;strong&gt;Does your partner's approach work for him?&lt;/strong&gt;  If it does, there may not really be a problem here, or at least not the problem you think.  That is, it's fine for people to be emotional.  For many, it &lt;em&gt;helps them&lt;/em&gt; to cry, or mope for a while.  Like ... draining a wound, almost.  Not my approach, not yours, but it can be made to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; the problem?  Well, &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; of you are making a mistake, which is thinking that the other person's approach is unsuitable.  I'd recommend that you two have a conversation about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Important note -- &lt;strong&gt;Do not&lt;/strong&gt; have this conversation while partner is in the midst of a bad mood or grief.  This is a &quot;deepening our understanding of one another&quot; conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might open by saying you've noticed that the two of you deal with grief or bad news or disappointments in different ways.  You want to understand better how he thinks.  And you want him to understand you better, too.  How did you come to become a stoic?  You might ask about this notion that partner would feel better if you were sad too; why is that?  This could be quite illuminating.  (I wonder if it's because he maybe feels inadequate or weak somehow, given that many societies hold male stoicism as an ideal; there's not enough information to know)  You might also explain that you do feel joy and sadness too, but express it in different ways, and that your main concern is that you want your partner to be happy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I do recommend that partner read the Meditations.  But then again, I think &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; should...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T01:44:01.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6036" CreationDate="2017-11-01T01:54:37.013" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually think some of this is your issue.  You state that &quot;she won't comply&quot; with the agreed rule - you can't set rules for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you are interpreting her too - you talking to girls etc is making her angry (so it's valid to expect she has some abandonment fears), but trying to judge why isn't going to help.  Those fears are there, and you can be mindful of them and try avoid them, but honestly if her anger makes you feel you are doing something wrong you need to relax and set boundaries.  Her anger is not your problem.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should discuss this and aim to get to the point where she acknowledges her feelings and owns them without overtly blaming you for them or hurting you.  You can start by saying something like &quot;when you stop talking to me when I do something you don't like I find it hurts my feelings, and I want to understand if you are upset about something so we should talk about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't try and get &quot;solutions&quot;, or make rules to prevent it, etc, just talking and understanding her feelings and comforting her should be enough. You shouldn't have to change unless it is something you think other women also wouldn't like - like a general cultural thing - and you need to know their point of view sometimes so you do need some friends/interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should talk deeper with her on the topic of how she sees other girls having ulterior motives - that is her telling you how she thinks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is right to say &quot;ok you are being territorial&quot; if you are upset she talks to a guy - it is your issue and perhaps a good reminder, and she is right/ok to talk to other guys in most cultures so I'm sure this is ok behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What it seems you need to learn is how not to get &quot;blasted&quot;, so you need to develop more resilience against her anger (learn boundaries - you don't have to rise to it), and work out how to say something similar to her &quot;ok you are being territorial&quot; and try calm her down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes the circumstances of possible cheating, her anger, etc, are red flags, but talk about it more and calm down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8119" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T01:54:37.013" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6092" CreationDate="2017-11-01T02:16:10.993" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some background - I'm not a classical Stoic but I come from culture that might be casually described as stoic. My wife calls this the &quot;mountain man mentality&quot;, and has said more than once I can be robotic. She swings the other way - she is tenderhearted, easily wounded, more reactive overall. This is speaking from personal experience then, no more or no less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she's upset, mostly she just wants to know I'm listening. I have to fight my urge to try to problem solve her situation and just listen, tell her I understand, and commiserate with what she is dealing with. This helps her feel connected. It's important to point out, I'm not being dishonest with her or myself when I react this way. I care about her. I'm going to be on her side, that's part of our commitment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so to your question, I'd say it isn't about empathy. It's about commitment to your partner. That doesn't mean you have to sit and cry with him, or be as upset as him, but you need to make sure he knows you care that he's upset and you need to do that in a way that he will understand. It might not be as complicated as you think - put an arm around him, listen, tell him you hear what he's saying. Ask him for feedback once things have calmed down. Hopefully he'll appreciate that you're working on it and that you care enough to work on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships can be and often are &lt;em&gt;work&lt;/em&gt;. There aren't a lot of silver bullet solutions to problems, just lead bullet solutions, and you need a lot of lead bullets to get it done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6871" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T02:16:10.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6005" CreationDate="2017-11-01T03:53:50.713" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other person's behavior here is inherently and intentionally aggressive, and there's really no way to achieve what you're asking for. That's &lt;em&gt;precisely why&lt;/em&gt; the person is doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to assume the &lt;em&gt;worst&lt;/em&gt; outcomes, in an order that depends on power dynamics, are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;surrendering your tacit agreement to something you don't actually agree to&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;outing yourself as being someone who doesn't agree&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;getting pulled into an uncomfortable discussion&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it can't entirely avoid all three of these, an approach that can likely avoid all but outing yourself, and lessen the degree to which you out yourself, is calling out the other person on what they're doing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It sounds like you want an argument. I don't want to go there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you think everybody here agrees with you, why did you ask that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are probably further variants that can lessen the degree to which you out yourself as disagreeing with the other person's view, and instead focus on disagreement with their &lt;em&gt;behavior&lt;/em&gt; of putting people on the spot about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3142" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T03:53:50.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2017-11-01T06:20:34.843" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just to add another viewpoint...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have actually been approached by a girl in a nightclub, looking a bit worried, she asked me if I would stay with her for a few minutes because this guy was harassing her. It worked, the guy disappeared and I stayed with the girl until her friends came to meet her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another time, years later, I got a phone call from my girlfriend. She was also worried because a guy who asked her for the time or something now seemed to be following her. I told her to talk loud and we spoke about meeting up very close by in a few minutes, even though she was on her way to catch a bus home, where I was. We even had a little joke, talking about how I had just got out of prison for attempted murder and stuff, I can't remember exactly, but it worked and he also disappeared.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice would be along a similar line. If you feel worried that he's getting too boisterous, find somebody you can be friendly with, even a life guard. A person you think you would relate to would be best. Either strike up a conversation or tell them exactly why you want to talk to them for a bit. Pretend to wave to somebody far away, like you are there together. If you are out of the pool, you could phone somebody, a friend and pretend your meeting up. It could be a fake call all together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if it passes the point of annoyance then definitely go up to the nearest authority figure and tell them he is harassing you. Don't be afraid to get help off somebody. Don't let it get to the point of him grabbing you next time. Be polite, then be stern or/and use the tactics mentioned, then definitely seek help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4916" LastEditorUserId="8073" LastEditDate="2017-11-04T09:14:26.277" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T09:14:26.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6109" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20383" CreationDate="2017-11-01T07:53:51.900" Score="8" ViewCount="2778" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 20 y/o guy and I would like to spend time with a particularly nice girl who I only saw occasionally and it has been 6 months since the last time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Past interactions&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These have always been because of a mutual group of friends. My friends are friends with hers and so occasionally if there is a group cinema outing, party and once there was a picnic to watch a band play at the park, it is mostly just at these times that I see her. Now to be clear we have never been particularly close, I would estimate there were only 8 or so days spent together and they were spread out over a a year, ending 6 months ago. However in the latter half particularly, I would find myself spending the entire day chatting with her happily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Current standing&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to a combination of our friend groups shifting, and myself going from somewhat unsocial to non-existant after suddenly spending 50h weeks at a new programming job as opposed to the 5h I used to, we have not had any interaction at all in 6ish months. I have intended to contact her before this point via facebook, pushing friends to help or even &amp;quot;subtly :D&amp;quot; dropping into her work but the prospect made me quite anxious as I didn't know what to say and then next minute it's been 6 months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Options&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enlisting help from a mutual friend in order to invite us both to a group event will no longer work as there was an awkward falling between the main two who connected our friend groups (not related to me, the girl or this question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; It does not have anything to do with me but I feel that in her friends' eyes I could be related to the situation, even if its only by association with the friend with whom they had the falling out with. This makes reconnecting with her friends in this group a whole separate question that I am not as worried about since we were on good terms, but I do think it should be done only &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; first reconnecting with the one who I am by far, the closest to.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;end edit.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, my current goal is to merely meet up and have a chance to reconnect/spend time but I think it has probably gone too long that to try and ask for something casual will be weird enough anyway so I might as well be more direct than in usual cases. I was thinking of using facebook to send a message along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi, I received two free tickets to this cool new movie. Is there any chance you would be interested in coming? I was thinking we could go grab some food from this place beforehand or something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either that or give up to the off chance we meet again. Does anyone have some answer for how to tactfully approach this situation to result in a good chance in spending time together?/Finding out if she even wants to spend time since there is a significant possibility I misread her signals and she has no interest in meeting me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference, she is 20 and my ultimate goal is a long term relationship. But lets just start with meeting up for now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T10:22:34.973" Title="How to set up interactions with someone you are interested in after long time without contact?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;meetings&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6109" CreationDate="2017-11-01T08:35:07.800" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yeah, your invitation there looks like asking her out for a date, which she may not appreciate right out of the blue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd go with a softer approach&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, it's been ages since I saw you, a lot has happened, and I have loads to tell you.  We should catch up sometime soon!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And see what response you get and move onwards from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, you need to put a little work into seeing if she's romantically involved with anyone else before you start out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T08:35:07.800" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6112" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-01T09:56:16.870" Score="9" ViewCount="440" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a work colleague who I was expecting to be at work today but they haven't shown up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that they are currently going through issues with their Father's health and may have to take some time off to deal with the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We would like to know if we can expect to see them soon and if not that we are hopeful that they are dealing with the loss, but on the other hand we don't know exactly if &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; has happened or if he is just not at work today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8135" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-13T14:38:18.947" LastActivityDate="2019-03-13T14:38:18.947" Title="How to ask if someone has suffered a bereavement?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6113" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6125" CreationDate="2017-11-01T09:57:09.057" Score="37" ViewCount="17557" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a coffee-dispensing machine (similar in concept to a Keurig) in my apartment lobby for use by the tenants. As coffee is a popular morning beverage, occasionally I have to wait behind one or two people. The past couple days, I have had to briefly wait to use it (very minimally, less than a minute), and the person in front of me has turned around when finished and said something like &quot;It's all yours&quot; or &quot;I'm done.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, these statements could be unnecessary; they can just grab their beverage and walk away. After all, you don't yell &quot;I'm done&quot; to the car waiting behind you at the gas pump when you finish filling your tank! But I am not sure how to respond to this. I've been just muttering a &quot;Thank you,&quot; but that is also unnecessary (thanks for what? Being done? Or &quot;allowing&quot; me to use the machine?) and I'm afraid that can come across as sarcastic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How does one &quot;pick up the baton&quot; in the least socially disruptive way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6680" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2019-07-14T05:41:07.530" LastActivityDate="2019-07-14T05:41:07.530" Title="How does one respond to statements like &quot;It's all yours&quot;?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-10-17T10:33:02.360" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-01T10:09:31.220" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not think that the statement is superfluous, as they are making clear that they are finished (in some situations, there may be more to do after you got the coffee, like getting sugar/milk or picking up something you had put on a table to handle the coffee (machine), i. e. anything making them stay around the machine longer than expected).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or just&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(nod and) smile&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, I acknowledge what they said and the &quot;Thanks&quot; can be interpreted as thanking them for taking the time to tell me, that they have no longer anything to do at/around the coffee machine and that I don't have to wait any longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also sufficiently short to not be annoying to either of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T10:09:31.220" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6112" CreationDate="2017-11-01T10:56:52.317" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is most certainly a case where easing into it is preferred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The subject of a loss can be very touchy for some, whether or not it is the reason they were away from work. I can personally testify to this as when dealing with a loss myself, sudden queries from sympathetic friends would sting more often than they would comfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a somewhat regular method of contacting them, then reaching out the usual way would help and even then avoid explicitly mentioning the suspected bereavement until you have had some more subtle build up to &quot;test the waters&quot;. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We missed you at work today.. [wait for response] &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and if they don't mention why they were absent but showed no signs of distress then a further prompt could be okay:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is everything okay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you would not normally contact them outside of work then it is probably best to wait until you hear from him. Going out of your way to press this particular topic onto someone stands out and often may only upset them. If your suspicions are correct then you would not want to push the matter with them personally, perhaps asking third parties could provide you with the answer you need and if he is fine then I'm sure he will soon let you all know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T10:56:52.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2017-11-01T12:00:05.753" Score="255" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an ex-lifeguard in a swimming pool, I can correct your assumptions. We are there for stopping fights between children, cleaning up mess people make, answering questions, etc for 95% of the time.&#xA;The other 4.9% are for helping people who fell because they slipped, or got a bleeding nose etc. I never witnessed the 0.1% of the time you have to save someone from drowning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go attend the lifeguard, he'll keep watch of the guy, and if the guy doesn't stop harassing you he'll tell him to leave the pool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2848" LastEditorDisplayName="user2848" LastEditDate="2017-11-01T13:36:06.377" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T13:36:06.377" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2017-11-01T12:22:51.430" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you ended up doing, while a perfectly normal reaction, was actually quite dangerous. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You retreated to a place with (presumably) no other people, (presumably) only a single exit, and the only thing preventing the person you feared from following you were societal constraints - something he's already shown to disregard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't ever do that again.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Among the fight/flight/play dead response, fight would have been appropriate. Had there been no people around, running away would have been the right response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fight in this case means shouting, to get attention of bystanders. You are conditioned to keep a low profile to not embarrass yourself and others, which prevented you from instinctively telling him off by screaming to his face. Go through the situation in your head a couple of times to condition yourself to the &quot;fight&quot; response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to and can afford to keep a low profile (e.g. your situation before the groping, or now your current situation when you go swimming in that same complex again and either notice that man's presence, or are afraid of him showing up), making someone of authority aware of the issue in private is also an option. In this case the lifeguard would have been an appropriate choice - you lose nothing if he/she doesn't want to get involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T08:24:02.487" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T08:24:02.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6036" CreationDate="2017-11-01T12:28:20.843" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she firmly believes &quot;females aren't just friends with guys&quot;, and is texting guys, I think its pretty clear you have deeper problems here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Particularly considering how she got into this relationship. It really sounds like you've got someone always looking for the Bigger Better Deal, and that's precisely why she jumps to the conclusion that this is what you are doing whenever she sees someone of the opposite sex on your texts. On your end, because its mostly innocent in your case, you aren't seeing that it &lt;em&gt;likely isn't in hers&lt;/em&gt;. Most people inherently believe everyone thinks and behaves like they do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ended up with a &quot;double-standard&quot; because you are each (incorrectly) applying your own thought processes to the other person's behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The talk you need to have here is more along the lines of how seriously she's &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; prepared to take a monogamous relationship at this point in her life, and if you can live with her being a temporary psedo-monogamous girlfriend who is always shopping around for that BBD.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="5047" LastEditDate="2017-11-01T12:45:00.427" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T12:45:00.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2017-11-01T13:16:51.880" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;You told him explicitly that you had no interest in him. Even after that he then followed you into the water and physically assaulted you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is a police issue. He absolutely is a threat&lt;/strong&gt; (if not to you, then to the next woman) and if something happens again in the future then having reported the first incident weighs heavily in your favour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It &lt;strong&gt;should also be reported to the lifeguard&lt;/strong&gt; on duty who should have immediately removed him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please do not think of reporting this as an overreaction or assume that it will be a one-time issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7281" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T19:14:07.297" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T19:14:07.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-01T14:45:35.963" Score="109" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that this falls squarely in the realm of common courtesy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem like a practical person, as am I. I tend to agree with you that many of these types of interactions are totally unnecessary, and often reduce efficiency. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, we are a part of a society. That society has certain norms and customs. There are also many different types of people. Some people (perhaps often sanguine temperament) will make conversation out of nothing and about nothing. They almost literally cannot encounter a person without saying &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would boil this down to a few considerations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Don't shoot the skinny rabbits.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; There are definitely times to push back against typical societal behaviors, but this one is quite simple. You can just say &quot;Thanks&quot; with a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are helping them out.&lt;/strong&gt; Some people might say this because they feel bad about using the machine and making you wait for it (seriously). Or they think it's an awkward situation. (Or they just need to talk because they're people persons.) Your kind response will handle these various scenarios.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I struggled with this kind of thing for many years until I decided that I wanted to build bridges with other people as much as possible. Believe it or not, this sort of thing is really important to many people and can communicate good things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, to answer your question,&lt;/strong&gt; I think that a smile and a &quot;thanks!&quot; is perfectly adequate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2214" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T14:45:35.963" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6127" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6140" CreationDate="2017-11-01T15:24:58.910" Score="5" ViewCount="4556" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the story is that I've been through stuff in my life, good and bad, a lot of bad. Sometimes I'm bitter and jealous of people who in my opinion have an easier life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During a discussion earlier today a friend told me that no one has a perfect life and that everyone is messed up. To this, I responded that maybe it's so, but that 90% of the people I've met who claimed to be messed up were complaining about insignificant things (which I'd gladly trade my problems for theirs).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I gave an example of a person who's mourning a broken fingernail for days, so yes, I agree that since that person has never suffered worse that person will suffer as much as anyone in a harsher event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the question wasn't who would suffer more, I agree both would suffer equally. I would lose respect for this person, for just &lt;em&gt;knowing&lt;/em&gt; that there could be harsher problems should put you in place to not suffer from such a minor event. She claimed that I'm wrong to dismiss that person's anguish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I'm used to dealing with my own problems, instead of seeking attention/acknowledgment for other people, my usual reaction when somebody comes to me with his/her problem is to give advice on how to improve the situation, not be a shoulder to cry on. I'm afraid this might make me a bad friend when the other person might have wanted to cry it out and not actually improve their situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is a fault of my own, not looking to other people enough for help, but if I do tackle a problem myself and can't reach a solution, I will &lt;em&gt;consult&lt;/em&gt; for advice. Emphasis on consult, I'm not looking for someone to make me feel better, I'm looking for a way to improve the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, this discussion raised a lot of inner turmoil in me. I'm worried that I'm wrong in wanting people to put their own issues in comparison with other's and not complain about minor issues (even though they may seem big to them). I'm worried that I'm wrong for feeling jealous of people that have had an easier life. I'm worried that I'm wrong in assuming the lives of these people are easier because they only complain about things that seem 'minor' to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel I don't have to be a shoulder to cry on for silly things such as a broken nail (exaggerated example) because this in no way compares to all the troubles I've had in life. But on the other hand, I would really like to be as much of a good friend to these people as possible. Somehow, I feel like I would be a happier person if I wasn't like this, but I am also sure I'd lose a critical part of myself. This part I believe helps me live my life to the fullest and not herd along my existence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A non-exaggerated example would be a friend coming to me for relationship advice, telling me that he got into an argument with his significant other about where they would spend the holiday. This may seem to him like a big issue worth fighting over, but despite having many relationships, I've never had a serious multi-yeared one, and to me fighting over this (in a way that makes you stressed and needing the support) seems illogical. So sure, I can give good advice and help him resolve this conflict, but to me this issue seems trivial when you're already lucky to be in a long committed relationship and you're confident that the other person won't leave you that you can give yourself the luxury to be stressed over this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Real life example&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another aspect of inability to feel sympathy would be the following: A friend of mine who is complaining about financial difficulty, who is saying that he has a hard life because he has to work two jobs on top of his school work.&#xA;This friend chose to study a field which is known to not be promising in terms of employment, but he chose to study it because it's what excites him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I respect that decision, and I wish I was liberated enough to pursue a career which I enjoy more than my current one. But I'm too rigid in the sense that I prefer a career which I enjoy a little less but has work in it, then to have those doubts and stress about whether or not I will be able to sustain myself.&#xA;When this friend comes to me for advice, I want to say to him: &amp;quot;but you chose this path, you knew you wouldn't have work and would be forced to slave away at minimum pay work&amp;quot;. But instead, I give advice and a shoulder and think to myself that he's an idiot. He's not an idiot for making this choice, that was his choice and I respect it, he's an idiot for crying about it. For not standing up to his choices and either admitting that he made mistakes and attempt to change them or accepting them and the hardship that follows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll point out that I always offer good support and my handling of these situations is fine, I don't get called out for giving bad support, but I feel that I'm being fake, and I begin resenting the person who requested the support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can, please take into account all the inner turmoil and background described above. Working from the premise that I want to change if needed and be the best person possible by showing support to these friends with 'insignificant' problems:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How can I change my handling of these interactions to become a better person and be a better support towards others?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4608" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2020-10-17T15:15:42.587" Title="How to support a friend with an 'insignificant' problem?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6109" CreationDate="2017-11-01T15:55:52.630" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You wrote:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would find myself spending the entire day chatting with her happily&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And also:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;it has probably gone too long that to try and ask for something casual will be weird enough&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I disagree. It sounded like the two of you were reasonable friends back then. Anecdotally, I have friends who I hadn't seen for a good 6 or 7 years or so. When I happened to be in the right part of the country to see them, I sent them a quick message along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi, I know it's been a while, but I'm going to be around &lt;code&gt;${place}&lt;/code&gt; from &lt;code&gt;${start_time}&lt;/code&gt; to &lt;code&gt;${end_time}&lt;/code&gt; and was wondering if you'd like to meet up, catch up, and do &lt;code&gt;${thing}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I met up, reconnected with old friends, and had a wonderful time with them over tea. Apparently, save for facial hair, I hadn't changed at all. It is 100% fine to reach out to old friends to see if they'd like to meet up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, a few things really did jump out at me from your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;it's been 6 months&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;my ultimate goal is a long term relationship&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you think you might be getting ahead of yourself a bit? You've spent some time with this person, and that's great, but deciding you want a long term relationship with someone you've not seen for six months strikes me as a little bit speedy. I mean, what if she's taken up boat-programming in those intervening six months, when you absolutely hate boat-progammers and everything they stand for?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're a grown man and I'm not going to tell you what you do and don't want. Maybe you have genuinely decided that you definitely want an LTR with this person, but I don't really think you've quite gotten enough information to make that kind of decision just yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking to meet up is fine, and being intersted in people romantically is also fine, but be honest with yourself about what your connection currently looks like. They're an old friend, you'd like to reconnect with them, so go do that. If you later find that you're getting close and you'd like to start turning the connection into something different, then it might be time to start following the advice in Kate Gregory's answer to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/5222/how-to-open-up-to-someone-about-loving-them-when-you-dont-know-if-they-love-yo&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1594" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T15:55:52.630" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6127" CreationDate="2017-11-01T15:56:10.997" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I struggle with similar reactions sometimes, people tend to get really worked up over really trivial things sometimes and some things I have little sympathy for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the US the phrase &quot;first world problems&quot; is sometimes used to remind people that their lives are awfully comfortable and their complaints about the quality of the coffee are kind of trivial and they should probably try to put things in perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, it's better to be gentle with people regardless of how trivial their problems are. Someone else always has it worse, so making the argument that people shouldn't complain because of that, leaves everyone silent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People need to talk about stuff. We're social animals. Venting about our frustrations and problems is a normal, healthy thing to do. Granted some people vent a little too much and that can become, or be a symptom of, an unhealthy focus on the unpleasantness of life, but &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; people are pretty balanced about things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people vent too much, it's worth reminding them to put things in perspective, but try to be gentle about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T15:56:10.997" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6127" CreationDate="2017-11-01T15:57:18.083" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes a listening ear is all someone really needs or expects. It lets them vent their frustration and trying to have someone understand your own problems can help put things in perspective even if the other party doesn't really respond or is unable to relate. (This is sometimes known in the programming industry as &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;rubber duck debugging&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people are coming to you for small issues, then it means they trust you not to make fun of them over it. You have become their therapist just without the bill or stigma or the egg timer counting down the end of the time slot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't forget that many people will be very unlikely to talk about their bigger and/or deeper issues that may be considered taboo but will instead vent using smaller issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6635" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T15:57:18.083" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6132" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-01T16:27:38.140" Score="3" ViewCount="1438" Body="&lt;p&gt;My ex and I had an intense breakup, he ended up starting a relationship with a friend that had feelings for him immediately after the breakup and they have been together since (6 months).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are not in contact anymore and he moved out of state for a job but I still have some unresolved feelings for him and feel like he may have some for me too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going to see him at a work-related conference in a month where we will be staying out of town and I'm a bit anxious about having more feelings come up when I see him again because I want to move on too and be over him for my own good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should I handle spending time with him/ seeing him without having my feelings hurt again and not being rude or too obvious about it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastEditorUserId="8159" LastEditDate="2017-11-01T18:31:53.343" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T18:31:53.343" Title="How to behave around ex boyfriend with unresolved feelings?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;rejection&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-11-01T17:32:40.323" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6127" CreationDate="2017-11-01T16:44:33.110" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;My reading of your question is that your issue is largely one of indulgent self-centeredness. You are comparing what you imagine your friends' problems to be to your own experiences and then deciding that their problems are unworthy of your support. It's as if you have decided that you will only support the people with the 10 worst lives, and since your friends don't make that cut they get nothing from you. This is not a great approach to friendship, or at least not a supportive one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, your apparent assumption that your own life makes it into the category that deserves support leads me to believe that you are unlikely to assess the difficulty of your friends' lives accurately (you might be 100% correct, but I think it's safe to say that more people indulge their egos in this sort of thing than legitimately have &quot;the worst&quot; lives, even if their hardships are very real). Your own problems may well be irrelevant compared with those that others have suffered. Your analogy of the broken fingernail reinforces this impression for me-- it is vivid and clear, but ludicrously dismissive of anyone other than yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for advice on how to improve, I have one major suggestion: think of others more and yourself less. Your friends' problems are about your friends' own lives and not about you. That your experiences may have been worse, even substantially so, doesn't change that. If on one particular day you had a parent die in a car crash, and I had both my parents die in another car crash, would it be fair to say that your problem is insignificant just because my loss was &quot;worse&quot;? Would any tears you shed or misery you experienced be unjustified, unless they were on my own behalf?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friend coming to you for support (and please note, telling a friend that they are getting too worked up over something unimportant can be a supportive response as well) isn't about which of you is most deserving of comfort, it's about who is looking for support &lt;em&gt;right now&lt;/em&gt; and whether or not you might provide it. Immediately focusing on yourself is the opposite of what your friends are looking for, whether they just want someone listen to them vent or are looking for someone to help them with a practical approach to their issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The bottom line:&lt;/strong&gt; your friends are looking for something common and expected in a friendship, but instead it seems that the only thing you're offering is your assessment of which of you has had a worse life. Focus on your friends and their issues, rather than yourself, and you might find that you can respond to their complaints pretty easily (even petty ones). Continue focusing on yourself alone and you will remain in a cycle of dismissive jealousy, and you won't have much of an argument about why anyone should feel any sympathy for you over it (after all, there are almost certainly worse problems that people have).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2017-11-01T17:37:30.830" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T17:37:30.830" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5993" CreationDate="2017-11-01T16:49:48.990" Score="0" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Money&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain the situation to your room-mates. Let me know you understand this is not something they signed up for. And let them know this is an animal that have loved for more than a decade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Promise to take extra care of the litter - and keep that promise. This might include buying fancy new litter boxes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then offer to pick up a larger share of the rent. I would suggest offering an amount of money to afford a decent meal out, for each roommate, each month. (An &amp;quot;extra little something every once in a while&amp;quot; is not a sufficient offer.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepare for your roommates to accept or decline the offer. If they accept, you have a contract - your money and best-faith efforts for their toleration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If someone declines and says they &amp;quot;just want the cat gone&amp;quot; then be very careful. Your cat may not be safe in your apartment. Try extra hard to find another solution.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, keep the lines of communication open. This means you ask your roommates periodically how things are going with the cat - don't wait for them to bring it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4471" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T16:49:48.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6132" CreationDate="2017-11-01T17:30:59.143" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;To recap: You've said you have unresolved feelings for this guy, but you want to get over him. With that in mind, I think the best way to handle seeing this guy at the conference is to see him as little as you can. Don't go out of your way to avoid him, but don't make any plans to see him for any long chats or one-on-one hangouts. If you do run into him in a group setting, say hi, chat a bit about work or the weather or other similar small talk, then disengage and go do something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he asks to meet up one-on-one, politely decline. If he asks why, it's completely reasonable to tell him you need some space to let your friendship go back to normal after the breakup.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this guy is meant to be a friend to you, he'll be able to give you some space to finish moving on from this relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7976" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T17:30:59.143" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6136" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6142" CreationDate="2017-11-01T17:33:42.780" Score="29" ViewCount="8627" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's my situation : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 16, I live with my parents. My parents are somewhat religious. That's completely fine with me, despite the fact that I am an agnostic atheist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother however, is somewhat of a weird case. Generally speaking, she tends to be quite open minded. However, in situations of distress, its like a switch flips on in her head that puts her in religious overdrive. That means she all of a sudden believes in everything her religion tells her to, prays thrice a day, follows every small superstition in the books. That's fine with me too, she's allowed to believe in whatever she wants to. The problem is that she starts enforcing her beliefs onto me. Did I mention I'm supposed to be a Hindu? That means she thinks the direction my head is facing when I sleep has an adverse affect on my long term health and other, quite frankly, absurd beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On numerous occasions, I have tried to tell her that I do not believe in this stuff, but somehow she always ends up guilt tripping me into doing it. I've even asked my dad for help, to which he said &lt;em&gt;&quot;Just do it for your mother&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, which I have been doing for so long. Every time I give in though, I feel like I'm living for others, and I can never assert myself to my parents without them always finding a way to convince me I'm wrong, even though I've been right on multiple occasions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell her my side of the story without hurting her feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8167" LastEditorDisplayName="user10085" LastEditDate="2018-06-27T15:42:18.463" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T21:01:22.870" Title="How to deal with highly superstitious and religious parents?" Tags="&lt;religion&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-01T18:38:50.767" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are times when courtesy would imply that someone who finishes with a machine while someone else is waiting should let the other person know.  There are many other times when it isn't necessary.  Since the inconvenience someone might cause by failing to let someone else know that some kind of machine is ready could outweigh any &quot;inconvenience&quot; caused by informing them, many people prefer to inform the waiting person as a matter of habit, rather than trying to determine whether such action is necessary in any particular situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying &quot;thanks&quot; is an appropriate response, not so much as an expression of gratitude, but as an acknowledgment that one is no longer waiting for the other person to use the machine.  If e.g. the waiting person was looking away from the machine and had a bored expression, the person who finished the machine might worry that the person might continue waiting because they didn't realize the machine had become available.  Acknowledging that the machine is available would alleviate such concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4265" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T18:38:50.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2017-11-01T18:49:41.987" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I couldn't get rid of the guy I escaped to the changing rooms and waited there for him to leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell the lifeguard? But his job is to rescue people from the water, not from sexual harassment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ever find yourself in a situation where you legitimately fear for your safety, it is entirely appropriate to bring the situation to the attention of authority figures. The complex is there for you to swim, not for you to hide in the changing rooms. If you're not able to swim, then you are being cheated out of your use of the sports complex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you &amp;quot;should&amp;quot; have done: (note: I'm putting &amp;quot;should&amp;quot; in quotes because I want to emphasize that this is by no means &amp;quot;Things you should be bad about not doing&amp;quot; or anything along those lines. This is just what I, thinking about it removed from the stress of actually being in the moment, think the best way to handle it is.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Once it became clear that he wasn't going to take &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; for answer, tell him that he's making you uncomfortable, and tell him that you&#xA;don't want him to interact with you any further. If he does interact&#xA;with you any further, talk to management/security/lifeguard, and ask&#xA;them to tell him that if he continues to harass him, he will be&#xA;banned from the complex.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When he touched you: loudly tell him to stop touching you. Go to management/security/lifeguard and ask that he be told to leave the&#xA;complex. File a police report.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should do now:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;File a police report.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Contact the management of the complex, ask them to, if not ban him&#xA;from the complex, tell him that if he harasses you any further, he&#xA;will be banned.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the management refuses to do either, have someone else tell him&#xA;that you do not wish to engage with him any further, and if he&#xA;interacts with you any further, you will ask that he be banned from&#xA;the complex, and you will likely pursue legal action. Do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;engage with him yourself if you can help it. If he interacts with&#xA;you before you're able to do the above, just tell him the above&#xA;yourself, and do not interact with him any further.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he interacts with you after you've done 3), contact the&#xA;management and ask that he be banned from the complex.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the complex refuses, then your next action depends on your&#xA;relationship with the complex. If it's a private complex, you should&#xA;at least demand your dues be refunded, if not sue. If it's a public&#xA;(as in, tax-payer funded), or if you have access to the complex from&#xA;some long-term contract (such as it being part of your apartment&#xA;complex or university facilities), then suing is definitely&#xA;appropriate; you have a right to use the facility (in the former&#xA;case, as a citizen, in the latter case, contractual), and failing to&#xA;make your use of the facility tolerable is a deprivation of that&#xA;right. (Note: further causes of action depend somewhat on the&#xA;jurisdiction. If you're in the US, another cause of action would be&#xA;Title IX.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the complex does agree to 2), and he harasses you further,&#xA;contact the management and ask that he be removed. If you see him in&#xA;the complex after he's been banned, contact the management and call&#xA;the police.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the complex bans him, but doesn't do anything about him&#xA;continuing to show up (if he's persistent, they should prosecute him&#xA;for trespassing), see 5) and 6).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T18:56:39.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6127" CreationDate="2017-11-01T19:55:48.713" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(Apologies for the length of this post. I wasn't trying to write a novel! But I hope it is worth the read.)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Sympathies&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, what you are describing is perfectly normal.  We generally have &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.npr.org/2015/10/20/450175865/do-we-have-less-sympathy-for-people-facing-things-weve-overcome&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;less sympathy&lt;/a&gt;, not more, when others encounter difficulties that we have experienced before.  After all, we got through it, and we turned out fine.  All the more so when we feel like the problems we have encountered are worse!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you want to tamp that down a little for the sake of your friends, I have a few thoughts for you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Complaints&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we choose to go to others for support or sympathy, it's not necessarily for our deepest pains or biggest problems.  Consider my very close friend, who I will call &lt;em&gt;Erika&lt;/em&gt;.  (Not at all her real name.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she had an issue with a guy that she liked, she talked about it quite a lot.  She got worked up about some of the things he did, and some of the things that he wouldn't do, and many hours of fun discussions resulted.  &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;Will he ____?  Won't he?  If he does, then you could ____, but maybe it's better to ____ anyway!&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cut to a few years later in her life, and she is married (to a different fellow), and enters into a months-long pregnancy saga which is harrowing by any standard.  She nearly died during the pregnancy, and she nearly died again during the delivery. The baby, who had to be medically induced almost &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;three months early&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;, nearly died during delivery, and then spent months in the neonatal ICU.  There was plenty of trauma to go around for both the new mother and father, and there were open questions about whether the baby would ever be able to properly digest food, or would grow up to be able to learn to speak, tie shoes or read a sentence.  Today, thankfully, more than a year on, both she and the child are fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this episode, Erika didn't talk much about what was going on.  She wasn't hiding it, exactly.  I am a close friend, and she would explain the situation to me, but she wouldn't dwell there.  And with many of her associates, she never mentioned these problems at all.  It was too painful, too hard, too dark, and too unknown.  These were problems that we could not reason through or fix, and while Erika needed a great deal of support during this time, that support came primarily from her doctors, from holding her husband's hands, and from setting her affairs in order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you knew her, but were not one of her very closest friends, you might reasonably come to the conclusion that she complains endlessly about silly things, and has never had real problems.  But you would be dead wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of which brings me to point #1: &lt;em&gt;the issues that people ask for help with are not necessarily the hardest problems they face.&lt;/em&gt;  They usually ask about the things that are on their mind and that they can cope with.  They may be seeking sympathy, attention, or even just something to talk about with you.  But when they arrive at their darkest demons, they may simply keep walking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Finding a Center&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point number 2: Both our general levels of happiness/satisfaction and our general levels of anxiety tend to be fairly stable over the long term.  It can be drastically influenced by a traumatic circumstance (such as losing a leg) in the short term, but within a year, it trends back to the norm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would extend this theory.  I don't have studies to back me up here, but the notion that &lt;em&gt;only happiness and anxiety&lt;/em&gt; tend towards a personal norm doesn't make sense to me.  It would make much more sense if &lt;em&gt;many&lt;/em&gt; of our personal characteristics behave in this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we take this idea and let it marinate a little, we arrive at a sort of strange idea: putting aside severe, extreme, or acute outside circumstances, then our personal histories won't influence our general demeanor a tremendous amount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, let's combine that with the concept from the beginning (&lt;strong&gt;Sympathies&lt;/strong&gt;).  Let's posit two hypothetical people who have nearly identical high levels of general disaffectedness/anger, and a low level of happiness.  (Just to be clear, these are fictional people.)  Person A has endured quite a lot of trouble in his life.  Possibly he had an abusive childhood, maybe he grew up in a war zone.  Perhaps food was scarce, or violence was always simmering under the surface, or he was quite sickly.  Person B, by contrast, has endured none of these things.  He grew up moderately wealthy, many doors were simply opened to him without hard work, and he never had any serious health problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But we also said that both of these two individuals harbor similar amounts of disaffectedness and anger.  How, then, will these two people explain these emotions to themselves?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person A has a relatively easy task.  He gets to look at his past, point to all of the crazy things that happened in his life, and he gets to &lt;strong&gt;externalize&lt;/strong&gt; his pain.  It's not his natural center and general demeanor, it's all of the bad things that happened to him!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But Person B has a comparatively harder task here.  He can't really externalize his pain.  Sure, he can call things &lt;em&gt;stupid&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;worthless&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;soul-sucking&lt;/em&gt;, or the like, but he sees many of his peers doing well, and at the end of the day, anything that he can't externalize is left with an &lt;strong&gt;internalized&lt;/strong&gt; explanation.  Which also leaves him with the question, &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;what's wrong with me?&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, we have our two approaches to negative emotions: internalize or externalize.  We externalize when we can, internalize when we can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now apply the same idea to anxiety, or to self-hatred, or to outrage... if some degree of these emotions is really fairly stable, then people with lesser problems are forced to externalize where they can, and internalize when they can't.  So, maybe nothing serious is going on, but they're really anxious anyway.  How can that be handled?  Find the things in life that could conceivably induce anxiety, and use externalization to blow them up a little larger than life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Some Practical Advice&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I encounter someone with a lot of misplaced anxiety, one good approach I've found is to help them regain their perspective.  Zoom out and look at the scope of their whole life.  When they are on their death bed, will this problem be what they think back on?  Once their anxiety is back to appropriate levels, I can either offer practical advice, or I can change the topic or recommend a new activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T02:28:32.020" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2017-11-01T20:12:48.770" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to work as a lifeguard at a pool and we occasionally had poorly behaved members.  Most of the staff knew about who to keep an eye on and we would warn other lifeguards when we switched about problematic patrons. I can't recall anyone behaving the way you described but that person would have immediately had their membership revoked.  Lifeguards do more than rescuing people, most of our time is spent managing patrons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would definitely report the incident to the pool's management because they need to be made aware of the situation.  I would guess this is not a one time issue and this man will probably assault someone else if he hasn't already.  The management needs to know so they can deal with him and protect other patrons.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future if something like this happens or even if you see him at the pool again tell the lifeguard on duty what happened and they will know to keep an eye on you/him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to live with that kind of harassment and should be able to visit the pool without fearing what might happen.  The best way to prevent it in the future is to speak up now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7411" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T20:12:48.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6136" CreationDate="2017-11-01T22:19:39.130" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Disclaimer, I'm coming from a US perspective. I'm also agnostic with religious parents, although mine sound a lot more religious than yours and I don't live with them (I also have about 10 years on you ;))&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I believe the purpose of religion is to make sense of the world. Scary and confusing things happen out there, and beliefs help us understand it. Rituals and superstitions can be a big part of this, and can make you feel like you have some control of an otherwise helpless situation: &quot;I can heal my friend's sickness if I recite these words three times a day&quot;. It can seem silly from the outside, but it's very meaningful to someone who does believe. (I don't say this to belittle faith - just to help put it into perspective for someone who does not have faith.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to understand this before you talk to your mother. You say she acts like this in situations of distress - she's turning to religion for comfort and hope during hard times (which explains why she isn't as concerned with doing certain things the rest of the time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting on to the question, your options when she asks you to do something are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say no&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Convince her you don't need to&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do it (even though you don't believe it matters)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1&lt;/strong&gt; carries a risk of confrontation, regardless of how respectfully you phrase it. It's easier to recommend this if you were independent, but in your situation your parents have the power to tell you &quot;our house, our rules&quot;. It sounds like you've already tried this, but your parents won't accept it and keep guilt-tripping you into doing the things anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really cannot stomach doing the thing she is asking, stand your ground (calmly). Offer a compromise, if you can. Ask if there something non-religious you could do to help the situation. Worst-case, maybe you could stay elsewhere during this time so you are out of the way and she can do whatever she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2&lt;/strong&gt; almost certainly isn't going to work. It's very unlikely that pure logic will change someone's religious beliefs, that's just the nature of such beliefs. Doubly so while she's stressed. You aren't going to get anywhere until she is calmer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 3&lt;/strong&gt; is what you say you've ended up doing. For a minor living at home, this is often the best option. You do something a bit inconvenient but that makes her feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you say this really bothers you because of two reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel like I'm living for others and I can never assert myself to my parents without them always finding a way to convince me I'm wrong, even though I've been right on multiple occasions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first reason, try reframing the situation. Instead of telling yourself &quot;Ugh, I've given in &lt;em&gt;again&lt;/em&gt; by doing this silly thing for my mother&quot;, say &quot;I am choosing to do this silly thing for my mother, to show that I care about her and respect her beliefs.&quot; We all do things we aren't keen on for people we love. If what she asks is not offensive to you, I encourage you to find a way to compromise. It is not a sign of weakness - it is a sign of compassion and selflessness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the second, and to explain your side, find a quiet moment when your mother &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; distressed. Start out positive! Tell your parents how you care for them and appreciate the freedom of religion they have given you. Then you can segue into discussing specific things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really appreciate how cool you are about me not believing the same things as you. I've noticed that sometimes you still ask me to do religious things, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't minimize your mother's beliefs! Just stick to explaining how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know the religious rituals are important to you, but I feel uncomfortable participating in them myself. I've tried to express this, but I still feel pressured to do the things. This makes me feel [unhappy, trapped, insignificant, whatever].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, propose a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Next time, if I say I don't want to do something because I don't believe in such things, can we please leave it at that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, say all this in your own words. Try to be specific with your request: &quot;I want you to respect me more&quot; is very subjective. &quot;I want you to not argue with me when I say I don't want to do [religious ritual]&quot; is something that everyone can agree was honored or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have this conversation and she tries to guilt-trip you again later, you may need to remind her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, we talked about this earlier. I'm not comfortable doing that. I respect your beliefs, and I'm asking you to respect my beliefs too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly, stay calm and non-confrontational. Remember that she's distressed for whatever reason, so try to de-escalate and find ways to help that you are okay with, and save the tough discussions for later when you're both less upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-11-01T22:19:39.130" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6112" CreationDate="2017-11-02T00:39:27.443" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that it's just one day !  Let's not panic yet.  Give it a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you seem more motivated by work issues than personal I'd suggest just asking your manager something simple like &quot;X wasn't in today.  Is everything OK with her ?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe ask &quot;Is X going to be out for long ?  I know she has some issue with her Dad, but we've the Y project and I need to know if she might be away for a while.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't broadcast it and keep it discrete.  She may not &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to advertise her personal issues - some people do, some people don't.  And your manager may simply not want to discuss this with you or feel he/she can divulge info they can in confidence, so be prepared to accept a &quot;can't tell you anything at the moment&quot; kind of answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T00:39:27.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6145" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6136" CreationDate="2017-11-02T00:44:33.157" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; This is going to be tricky because of your age and perceived lack of life experience. Her anxiety is &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; problem, and she's forcing you to pretend so &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; will feel less anxious. As an adult, that's not appropriate. I apologize for knowing nothing about Hinduism, so be forewarned I may be wrong about a lot of what I say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, in &lt;strong&gt;situations of distress&lt;/strong&gt;, its like a switch flips on in her head that puts her in religious overdrive. That means... she starts enforcing her beliefs onto me. (emphasis mine)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how much 'analysis' you've done about your mother's problem. I know you've expressed yours: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel like I'm living for others and I can never assert myself to my parents without them always finding a way to convince me I'm wrong...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom, when &lt;em&gt;anxious&lt;/em&gt;, retreats into her religious beliefs because, for her, it is a way to exert some control over seemingly uncontrollable situations. That's &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; common, and there are many non-religious counterparts, e.g. any superstition (stepping onto a plane with one's left foot first will prevent the plane from crashing.) So it's not necessary to address her or your religious beliefs with her; what's more important is that you need to help her see that her anxieties - where you're not the cause - are &lt;em&gt;hers to handle, not yours&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll encounter some problems with this, first because in the eyes of your parents, you're still a child and you should be obedient/respectful, and second, because the idea that one should take care of one's own anxieties oneself is foreign to many people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To really do this (if you must), first &lt;strong&gt;be prepared&lt;/strong&gt;. Read about anxiety, the causes, and the proven methods used to cope with it (for example, meditating and journaling.) Second, &lt;strong&gt;anticipate her counterarguments&lt;/strong&gt; and don't go down rabbit holes about religion, respect, etc. Third, &lt;strong&gt;practice your spiel&lt;/strong&gt;, because it will require all your restraint to avoid having the conversation devolve into an argument over opinions (like if you should believe as she does.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approach this all very, very respectfully. Request a time to have a serious conversation, tell her it's about something that's been troubling you lately, let her pick the time, make sure you're both relatively relaxed and the time is quiet and of adequate duration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then tell your mom what you've been reading about (anxiety) and how some people handle it (turning to God/gods, meditation, journaling.) Tell her in the most respectful way possible that you've noticed she turns to religion in times of anxiety/distress. Let her know that you respect this. Let her know that you love her, and you care about how she feels. Make sure you repeat that last sentence a few times, and that she &lt;em&gt;hears&lt;/em&gt; it. Then comes the 'confession' (which she already knows, so it needs only mentioning once: that as you don't share her religious beliefs. Then politely tell her that you believe &lt;strong&gt;her asking you to observe certain rituals to take care of her anxiety is like asking you to journal to take away her anxiety.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; meditating for her anxiety to get better won't work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; journaling for her anxiety to get better won't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; acting religious for &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; anxiety is not appropriate, because it's a demand to do something that is a pretense for you, for &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a fact. It's not a feeling, it's not an issue of respect, it's not about obedience. It's just a fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat the sentence she needs to hear, that you love her and care how she feels, but, since you're not a believer, you would rather do something to help her lessen her anxiety, like listen to her talk about it, or taking a walk with her someplace nice where she can feel some peace, or something like that - something that will help &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; to manage &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; anxiety (keep repeating those words politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how she will react, but don't argue about anything: accusations, her distress that you're not religious, why you should be religious, etc. Just deal with what &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt;: you do not believe. This is &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; anxiety. She needs to find a way to deal with it effectively (with your help if need be) herself, because someday soon, you will be out of the house and she will still have to deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe this discussion will need to occur several times before it sinks in. But this is what &lt;em&gt;setting a boundary&lt;/em&gt; is all about. To be honest, it's unusual for a youth of 16 to set a boundary with their parent that is this subtle. They might have no problem with you staying out later with friends or asking for privacy (also a boundary). But this is more delicate, not because of religion, but because you're in essence asking an adult - your mom - to act like an adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also read about setting boundaries with parents and how difficult that can be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try this, I hope it works for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T00:49:51.500" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T00:49:51.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-02T01:41:57.367" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;To elaborate on @wildbagel's answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a person who &quot;almost literally cannot encounter a person without saying something&quot; myself (a &quot;silence-filler&quot;, as some friends have put it), I wouldn't necessarily expect a response at all. If you said anything, it wouldn't serve any purpose other than to engage in social intercourse and make your personality a part of my morning. Some people just value friendliness with strangers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't feel comfortable with &quot;thanks&quot;, there are plenty of ways to express &lt;strong&gt;acknowledgment without gratitude&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Great&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Lovely&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Alright&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Cool&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Sweet&quot; (reminiscent of skater/surf culture)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Brilliant&quot; (U.K., but maybe you can pull it off, who knows)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also the option of responding with a joke. For instance, &quot;It's about time&quot; can work as deadpan humor, if followed by a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8184" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T01:41:57.367" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6147" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6149" CreationDate="2017-11-02T02:28:12.673" Score="5" ViewCount="739" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to keep this as unidentifiable as possible. My friend and I are making an app. We just submitted it today and were wondering what to write as the description for the app in the App Store. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I checked a similar app to see what they had written, then my friend sent me the description of our app that he wanted to send. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two descriptions were virtually identical, down to the same punctuation being used. He had changed a few words but the sentences were clearly copied from the other app.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I immediately told him this and he was completely shocked and said he couldn't explain how it happened. I asked him if he had copied it which he vigorously denied, but the evidence was right there! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sent him the two paragraphs side by side to which he said &quot;YES I'VE SEEN IT!!!!!&quot;. I gave him an opportunity, I told him that I didn't care he had copied it, I know he'd been under a lot of stress and just wanted to get it out there as soon as possible so let's just change it and move on. He still refuses to admit that he copied it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I changed the subject and we haven't talked about it since, but it's still in the back of my mind. Could he have done it by mistake? Maybe had the app description open while he was writing ours and been very tired? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I deal with him now? This might have been a one-off thing but nevertheless if it was plagiarism and he wasn't expecting to get caught then what happens if I catch him again? We're just starting out on a business venture together so this is kinda important I think! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8187" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T02:38:28.963" Title="How to deal with someone who refuses to admit they plagiarised?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-02T02:31:12.080" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Australians use the term &quot;No worries&quot; in reponse to statements like these. &#xA;It's a good response that doesnt really mean anything but has a positive connotation and we use it a lot to counter other meaningless but positive statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8122" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T02:31:12.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6147" CreationDate="2017-11-02T02:38:28.963" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You caught him, he knows it, the problem was resolved before it was published so there was no real damage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He probably knows that he won't get away with something like that again -- I'd just let it be water under the bridge. Without blaming him or directly saying that he plagiarized, say that since you're starting a business, the two of you need to be careful to keep your reputation clean, and do your due diligence before releasing anything. He's your friend, and the two of you have written an app together and are starting a business venture, there is no need to ruin that relationship over this by placing blame on him. Now if he does it again, then I would take more action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T02:38:28.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-02T03:16:41.860" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other person is trying to be polite. I would take the comment in that spirit. And then reply in kind by saying &quot;Thank you.&quot; Other people have given useful &quot;short&quot; responses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been considered a &quot;no nonsense&quot; person all my life, and when I was younger, I didn't see the need for that kind of courtesy. Now I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T03:16:41.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="627" CreationDate="2017-11-02T04:39:23.533" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another reason they could be bringing up the past favours they have done for you is they could be feeling upset and as though there is an imbalance in your relationship. Similar to the transaction view, just in a more personal manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When thinking back to things such as past favours people tend to remember the things they did more than what others have done so whether or not it is justified, it seems your friend is upset and believes you are not pulling your weight in terms of your friendship and are trying to convey this to you by means of listing examples (not the best approach but its what they did). To respond to this you need to show your friend how you have noticed and appreciated the effort they put in to your friendship and replying with what you have done for them (that they think of as not much) did not help at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to try and empathise with her, and look from her perspective where after happily doing you a few favours, they ask for one (as you described) small favour and you reject it. Was the place you needed to be so important that you couldn't shuffle things around to fit in with the small favour? If not did you properly explain how unusually constricting this thing you need to do is and how you intend to make it up to them? Keep in mind that as you said, there is a chance they may have gone out of their way in some of their favours for you before, postponing or squeezing it in to work with the things they were doing themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply telling your friend&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was really thankful when you did {example favour} for me, it helped a lot and I know you had other plans that day&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;could potentially resolve the whole conflict on the spot. As I can tell from personal experiences with a close friend who I thought was taking my help for granted and not reciprocating it. Merely being told that your effort was noticed can go a very long way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying these things in a &lt;strong&gt;casual conversation&lt;/strong&gt; would greatly help avoid conflict and reach a happy resolution for each of you, if you instead replied by comparing what you have done for them, or implying they have not done that much then this can lead to an &lt;strong&gt;argument&lt;/strong&gt;. Even at this point, there is not much difference for how you should respond as opposed to when in the casual conversation. If you keep a casual tone and volume then saying the same things would help defuse the tension and reach a solution. I understand there is also a chance that your friend is seeing things from a biased perspective and you may have been doing more than enough already however, insisting/arguing this point in your scenario will lead to nowhere&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T05:06:47.087" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T05:06:47.087" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6153" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-02T08:16:23.150" Score="2" ViewCount="3026" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine, actually my best friend whom I've known for 5 years now is a very emotionally driven person. He is 19 years old, attends Engineering school in which he really struggles, and he even had to repeat last year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now to the problem: He smokes weed. Normally not a problem, especially not for me as I smoked it as well a couple of times and had a great time mostly. But my problem with his consumption is that he takes it to a completely different level as I for example ever did. He smokes &lt;em&gt;every day&lt;/em&gt;. Every evening when he comes home from school he blasts himself away. Every weekend he goes out with a friend of ours and they blast themselves away every time. I sadly cannot be there and try to help him currently as I now live in another town 1,5 hours away. I am really concerned about him because, as stated by him, he smokes to forget.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he is high he doesn't have to deal with his troubles, his problems and so on. So that means that his mental state contributes a great deal to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to wrap this up, I am really concerned about the psychological aspect to all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way I can show him that I care for him and his mental health and well-being and would like him to stop smoking pot and rather focus on important things that &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; make someone happy, like quality time with friends or finding some meaningful hobby? I'm no psychologist of course and maybe some advice from someone having knowledge in this part may be of tremendous help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never told him &quot;STOP SMOKING POT!!&quot; as I know that won't help. I was sometimes a bit suggestive to steer him more to healthier things, but I know that brute force wouldn't change a thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-31T15:58:30.370" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T15:58:30.370" Title="Friend smokes too much weed" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-11-02T13:34:46.707" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6153" CreationDate="2017-11-02T08:51:22.067" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are on the right track. Telling someone to stop a behaviour they know is not ideal and typically causes them to be defensive and on the opposite side from the person who was trying to help. This can mean pushing you (the supportive friend) away and that is bad for everyone. Instead, looking at alternative things to help as you have already started thinking of is the best way to actively help your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does a few things, most of which you have already mentioned. It occupies his mind which he is currently depending on weed to do, this would reduce his need reliance on the drug. It encourages being more social (other than getting together to smoke) interacting socially can help a lot with depression. It encourages him to be active which produces endorphines that make you feel good, and it physically takes up his time which is a very efficient yet subtle way to cut into the time spent alone, feeling depressed where he then turns to weed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next is to just decide what you think would be best suited for him to take part in and how to actually get him to participate. This is trickier, will probably require some effort on your part and depends a lot more on what he likes and such. Keep in mind its best if you do this activity with him, participating with a group helps give more of a push to get out of the house on the days you are not feeling like it, and this way you can continue helping in other ways too. You mentioned you are now 1.5 hours away, so if you absolutely can not do it with him then clue-ing in some other friends is the next best thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are a few ideas, dont take any of them too seriously please, remember it is up to you.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Hiking&lt;/strong&gt; - can take multiple days if you are enthusiastic and can be a good excuse to travel the distance.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Mountain Biking&lt;/strong&gt; - similar to hiking&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Table Tennis tournaments&lt;/strong&gt; - There are plenty of beginner ones of these and its a sport with not much required strength but tons of growth room.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;LARPing&lt;/strong&gt; - if you dont know what it is already then maybe not&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Going to semi-local bands/convensions/events&lt;/strong&gt; - less frequent but less likely to be rejected&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be quite a challenge to convince him but since you are so far away I would say there is not too much else you could do that would help in a significant way&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T09:56:38.740" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T09:56:38.740" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6153" CreationDate="2017-11-02T08:51:59.157" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depression isn't simply solved by saying &quot;just go do something that makes you happy&quot;. When you're depressed, if you are truly feeling miserable, it is very hard to push yourself to do something, anything. Finding a meaningful hobby is very much harder than you think if there seems to be so little that brings you joy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you see the downwards spiral here? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Feel miserable&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This makes it hard to find joy in doing things&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This makes it hard to move yourself to do those things, to do anything&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do nothing instead, which is something you feel guilty about, making you even more miserable.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Repeat&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is really really really hard to break this spiral. Especially when looking at it from the outside, because it seems so simple, just go do something, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, this spiral makes it easy to slip into a habit that makes you feel slightly better, even if only for a while. This can easily lead to an addictive habit like gaming and/or substance abuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how could you help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is really hard. I don't have &lt;em&gt;the&lt;/em&gt; answer. Honestly, if &lt;em&gt;the&lt;/em&gt; answer existed, depression wouldn't be that big of a problem. Instead, it is important to get help from someone who is trained to deal with these situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This only really works if your friend cooperates, so they have to see the need (and commit the time) for therapy, else it is just a waste of time and money. This means you need to convince your friend that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They have a problem. This is hard enough on its own. The important part when trying to convince them of this is to be careful that you are not blaming them. They can't help their depression, they are a victim.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That this problem is substantially big, that they can't solve it on their own, that you can't solve it for them either, that there is help available, and most important of all that &lt;strong&gt;it is not a bad thing to ask for help&lt;/strong&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And honestly, if he thinks he doesn't have time for it during his studies, if there is no immediate risk (selfharm for example), it is not that bad to wait a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So is there nothing that you can do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why don't you invite him along on your activities every now and then. While it might be hard for him to get moving on his own, he might get some motivation or help from just doing things together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But be sure to take the initiative, don't sit back thinking &quot;if he wants my help, he can ask for it&quot;. This is one of the big reasons so many people are depressed without telling anyone about it. &quot;If I feel terrible about myself, I sure as hell shouldn't bother others with my problems.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your question you edited:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;AS tinkingerbell said it seems like i want to force a lifestyle on him he does not want. THe problem is that he DOES ENJOY stuff like this, again the example of going bouldering with me. We did that a couple of times, and had a blast. It was really fun for both of us. THe problem is he has no self drive and would never go alone with his initiative, only if someone drags him to do stuff. Then he really anjoys it again. I actually was the same at his age. At that time it was my brother that dragged me everytime because i always enjoyed it. Now i have drive on my own. He sadly just doesnt have that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is good, he enjoys something, but clearly he lacks the motivation to do it himself. This is something I recognize from myself. For a while I just went jogging a few times a week, to wake up before my driving lessons. But once those were finished, the big stick that kept me jogging disappeared, and it again becomes more and more easy to fall back to those old habits of gaming etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The place where you could break the cycle in the top of the answer would be point 3. They have trouble moving themselves to do things, so they need you to drag them there (not literally). Be that stick, give them those few hours that he enjoys, and make sure he keeps doing it. Don't rely on him to take the initiative, but be proactive in your help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T09:08:59.027" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T09:08:59.027" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6156" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2017-11-02T08:52:19.027" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unwanted attention is asking you out a few times when you are not interested. Asking you out 10+ times and never getting a clue starts to become harassment. Groping you in the pool, especially when you made it clear that you are not interested, is definitely something else than &quot;unwanted attention&quot;. You seem like a really nice and cool woman, and I would love to know more persons like you. I know some women would persecute men for much less then that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's time to draw some boundaries. Are you willing to stop swimming because of him? No? Then he will have to stop his behavior, and if he's not doing it willingly then you could use what you have at your disposal such as reporting him and getting help from friends (asking here is a good start).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We live in a social system, fortunately or unfortunately - that's another topic. That's why we (unfortunately) have to pay rent, taxes, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some rules to the society we live in, one of them is that unwanted/forced sexual contact is not tolerated. This guy probably knows by now that he's disrespecting these rules, and that it might put him at disadvantage, socially speaking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4480" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T08:52:19.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-02T10:01:33.427" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Of course, these statements are unnecessary; they can just grab their&#xA;  beverage and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are perhaps confused about the purpose of their utterance. They are not letting you know they're done (you can see that yourself). They are letting you know they acknowledge your presence, your wish to take your turn, and perhaps that they're (slightly) sorry to keep you waiting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Most people perceive it as pleasant to be acknowledged, in particular if they are (even slightly) inconvenienced by the other person. But this is somewhat culture-specific. The US and the UK are rather &quot;chatty&quot; cultures and people tend to feel awkward when ignored. By contrast, &lt;a href=&quot;http://studyguides.aalto.fi/welcomeguide/living-in-the-helsinki-region/the-finnish-way/being-finnish.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Fins&lt;/a&gt; and Russians prefer to be left alone in chance encounters with strangers.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not sure how to respond to this. I've been just muttering a&#xA;  &quot;Thank you,&quot; but that is also unnecessary (thanks for what? Being&#xA;  done? Or &quot;allowing&quot; me to use the machine?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A quick &quot;thanks, (have a nice day)&quot; or even just a smile is enough. The &quot;thank you&quot; is for them being nice to you, not for them &quot;allowing&quot; you to use the machine or for pointing out that they are, in fact, done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm afraid that can come across as sarcastic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dont' worry. It won't come across as sarcastic but as polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T10:09:30.960" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T10:09:30.960" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6127" CreationDate="2017-11-02T12:21:33.973" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll point out that I always offer good support and my handling of&#xA;  these situations is fine, I don't get called out for giving bad&#xA;  support...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stated yourself that you do offer good support to your friends and nobody has yet complained, so this is more of a problem you have with yourself. It might even be a problem of &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;cognitive dissonance&lt;/a&gt; and a lack of not necessarily empathy or sympathy but more of  a lack of understanding how minor discomforts or insignificant problems for you could be more severe for others (because like you've said, they have not experienced the hardships you have and thus in a way, don't share your &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Weltanschauung#German&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Weltanschauung&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but I feel that I'm being fake, and I begin resenting the person who&#xA;  requested the support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were in your friend's shoes and you wanted support from someone who hasn't experienced your hardships, and that person did give you a shoulder to cry on, or listened to you, or nodded they understood (even if in reality they weren't able to), would you think they were being fake? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that sense, we are all fake when providing support about something we haven't experienced ourselves. The solution is not to pretend you understand what the other person is going through-unless the same thing happened to you and even then you might just have a different coping mechanism-but to just listen. A lot of times people do just want a shoulder to cry on and nothing more. Some reading on &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.state.gov/m/a/os/65759.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;active listening&lt;/a&gt; might be useful if you feel you need to improve on that skill.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I read, it seems that your experiences have just made you more &lt;strong&gt;cynical&lt;/strong&gt;. You just look at things from a different perspective. Perhaps you are better at applying logic when offering support or helping a friend fix a problem than emotional support. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, depending on your relationship with these friends, what's wrong with being the friend who is more cynical and logical? If your friends know &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;what you have gone through&lt;/em&gt;, shouldn't they also expect your own, non-standard reactions to their problems without misunderstanding you? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some thoughts about your examples:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This friend chose to study a field which is known to not be promising&#xA;  in terms of employment, but he chose to study it because it's what&#xA;  excites him. I want to say to him: &quot;but you chose this path, you knew&#xA;  you wouldn't have work and would be forced to slave away at minimum&#xA;  pay work&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To know something in theory, doesn't necessarily mean to realize it in practice. We learn a lot from experience. Your friend &lt;strong&gt;now&lt;/strong&gt; came to realize that his choice has negative consequences, because he is experiencing them &lt;strong&gt;now&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you aren't accusatory or condescending, you could be honest. However, keep in mind that sometimes people just complain to complain and you telling him what you wrote won't do much. The person already knows. Now, if he kept complaining about it then you have every right to voice the concerns you shared with us, firmly but politely. Always sugar-coating doesn't make you a good friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;a friend coming to me for relationship advice, telling me that he got&#xA;  into an argument with his significant other about where they would&#xA;  spend the holiday. This may seem to him like a big issue worth&#xA;  fighting over, but despite having many relationships, &lt;strong&gt;I've never had a&#xA;  serious multi-yeared one&lt;/strong&gt;, and to me fighting over this (in a way that&#xA;  makes you stressed and needing the support) seems illogical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see? Because &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; have never had the experience your friend has (being in a long-term relationship or married for a long time), you can't understand how serious or important to him fighting over where to spend the holiday is. Also, a lot of times, arguing for things that might seem illogical may be a cover for other more serious or logical ones hiding underneath (been there, done that myself). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So think about what becoming a &quot;better&quot; person and a better support really means to you. Does it mean rejecting how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; think? Does it mean get better at active listening? Or does it mean being honest, but polite and know how and when to do so? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T12:21:33.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6160" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6190" CreationDate="2017-11-02T12:28:39.283" Score="9" ViewCount="1577" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Twice this week I have been bothered by persistent individuals looking to sell or market something, but in neither occasions has it been possible to simply walk off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first took place at my house where a person attempting to sell a product knocked on the door. I politely informed them that I am not interested in their product, they acknowledged my statement but continued to ask questions, to which I had to interrupt and say &quot;I said that I'm not interested&quot; before closing the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second occurred at a coffee shop where I was having a conversation with another person when someone interrupted and began saying &quot;I'm not trying to sell you anything, but...&quot;. Given the material they were holding, they were clearly trying to market a graduate recruitment service so I said &quot;Sorry; we're not interested&quot;. Again, they ignored my intent and replied &quot;Not interested in having a job?&quot;. They would not accept the fact that we are in fact employed and do not wish to be interrupted, and would not leave us alone until I had to resort again to &quot;I told you we are not interested. Please go away.&quot;, at which point they acted as if I had been extremely rude to them (of course, telling someone to go away is rude, but I felt out of options) before attempting to insult me (&quot;I'm glad that I'm not your employer&quot;) and finally walking away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both of these situations, I wished to stop the person from selling or advertising something that I have no interest in, and both individuals had interrupted something else I was doing. However, it was not possible or desirable for myself to walk away as with the answers in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3223/appropriate-ways-to-dismiss-street-vendors&quot;&gt;this topic&lt;/a&gt;, instead, it required the other person to acknowledge my disinterest and remove themselves, however, both were reluctant to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there an efficient way of dismissing such people without them attempting to continue marketing their service, and without appearing as rude to other individuals nearby?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For context, these occurred in the United Kingdom, although I expect answers would be similar for other countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8212" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T12:29:09.847" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T15:45:31.563" Title="How to effectively dismiss persistent sellers in situations where you can't or don't want to walk away" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6160" CreationDate="2017-11-02T12:45:35.127" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe that the only thing you can really do is to either state that you have no interest two times, as in your examples, or very strongly the first time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you state your disinterest the normal and polite way they will most likely think that they can still convince you and will try to do so until you state it firmly that you REALLY have no interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second way would be to say something like &quot;I'm sorry but I have no interest in your product and wish that you would leave me be. Have a good day&quot; Which most likely would sound strong/harsh enough for them to not try it a second time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They would not accept the fact that we are in fact employed and do not&#xA;  wish to be interrupted, and would not leave us alone until I had to&#xA;  resort again to &quot;I told you we are not interested. Please go away.&quot;,&#xA;  at which point they acted as if I had been extremely rude to them (of&#xA;  course, telling someone to go away is rude, but I felt out of options)&#xA;  before attempting to insult me (&quot;I'm glad that I'm not your employer&quot;)&#xA;  and finally walking away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your second example you actually were pretty rude to the person which most likely felt offended. You definitely could have said that nicer, but you will never know how soon a person feels offended so there actually is not much you could do against that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply be firm but friendly and in most cases they will leave you be as there would be no point for them to stay with you when they cant sell you anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T12:55:00.337" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T12:55:00.337" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6162" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6177" CreationDate="2017-11-02T12:57:11.547" Score="139" ViewCount="34899" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is going to be a bit of weird question, but I don't know how to deal with this anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm an Indian guy who's recently immigrated to Britain for college. I'm also very, how to put this, interested in cross-dressing. In India, this wasn't possible for me since I lived with my parents, but a few months ago I decided to take the plunge and buy some Western woman's clothes. These clothes are not for wearing in public. That time and every time since then, no matter what store I go to, I've been asked (by the cashier or clerk most times, or sometimes by other shoppers) some variation of &quot;Who are you buying this for?&quot;. Usually, I just pretend to have not heard the question and continue what I was doing, but I'm always extremely visibly embarrassed after such incidents, and in one case, the man who had asked the question kept pressing the issue. Additionally, I often want to try out items in the dressing room (I do try to do this as discreetly as possible), which makes ignoring such questions more embarrassing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I deflect such questions politely and without public embarrassment?   I find it distasteful to lie even in these instances, but if it's the only possible thing to do given my circumstances, I would just to avoid the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorDisplayName="anon" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T03:00:24.330" LastActivityDate="2019-06-15T23:56:12.837" Title="How to deflect awkward questions when shopping for women's clothing as a man?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;shopping&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-11-02T13:10:13.123" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand why you would want to deflect these questions. Answering them honestly is likely to incite some weird reactions, if not generate more questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the question it appears to me that you are not (yet) comfortable with that kind of attention, or answering such personal questions. Luckily, you don't have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could respond with something deflecting like &quot;That's none of your business&quot;. But that is not very polite, and might even cause them to continue harassing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead you could just tell them something they want to hear. Remember, you don't owe them anything, you don't have to tell the truth. You could just say &quot;they're for my girlfriend/sister/mother/[insert relative here]&quot;. If you do that convincingly enough, that should shut them up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, if you are comfortable doing that, you could spin it into a joke, deflecting it with humor. &quot;Theyre for my pet rabbit&quot; or something along those lines. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T13:10:13.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6164" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6168" CreationDate="2017-11-02T13:14:59.180" Score="29" ViewCount="14667" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been dating a wonderful girl for a little over 10 months now, and for the first long while it was great.  I love her and we spend a lot of time together; however, in recent months things have been more strained.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, about every other week or so, she has a night where if anything goes wrong she becomes very withdrawn and quiet, silently crying to herself and not talking to me about anything.  It has escalated to a larger fight in the past, and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells sometimes because I hate making her feel like that.  If I mention that she gets sad again, because I &quot;Don't trust her&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, the last time it happened we had dinner together after I had a stressful day at work, and I was having a conversation with her while setting up a new phone that's required for my new job. We were talking while I was transferring files and she was cuddling with her housemate's puppy, but suddenly she just curled up and stopped talking. This lasted until we went to bed.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She says that these instances used to happen a lot more when she was younger, but doesn't want to see a councilor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am concerned about her, and want to know what I can do to help.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note, this started about 3 weeks after she started hormonal birth control for the first time ever, and seems to follow the pattern after that, with her changing or forgetting her control occasionally since she began about three months ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8218" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T11:19:31.890" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T01:02:20.650" Title="How to help my girlfriend if she gets greatly depressed over small things?" Tags="&lt;romance&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6166" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-02T13:22:53.900" Score="8" ViewCount="2422" Body="&lt;p&gt;Summary of my problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in a difficult relationship the last few years. &#xA;Let's call her Helen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We dated for a while, but after some time she left again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This went on several times: she breaks up with me, came back after some time, I forgive her, repeat. After some time she started to stalk me, wait me at my frondoor, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was constantly afraid to meet her somewhere. I was scared to go home, knowing her inclinations, I would not be surprised to learn that she is waiting for me inside, creeping under any excuses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was used by her as much as possible because of my inability to refuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I want to get over it. How can I stop her if she stalk me again and how not to fall to her trap again?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Details:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Helen was a rather strange girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In further communication, I learned more and more details about her character and history, and her strangeness became more understandable for me. Helen was a very self-contained girl. She always reacted sharply to the touch of other people. If someone tried to pat her on the shoulder or take her hand in a friendly way at the club, she always dared to scare away or even fight back. I've never seen such a reaction before. Yes, there are people who do not like physical contact, but even in the worst case they just rudely say to not be touched, but to fight so desperately ... This behavior was like the behavior of a puppy who was obused all his short life, and now he fears people and every touch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Helen did not have any friends. I mean literally, not even one. Yes, I'm also an introvert, I'm not very good with people, and I do not have friends either, but at least there are people with whom I constantly communicate, I go out and spend time with them. Helen had only books and tea. And now me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, dammit, I loved her. And I wanted to help her overcome her problems and normally join the society. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she was a child, her parents used to quarrel a lot. And divorced. She stayed with an abusive mother. She screamed at her. She insulted her with strong expressions. She beat her. She called her muddle and useless, even though her grades were always impeccable. She bought a dog, although she knew full well that her daughter was panicly afraid of dogs. They lived together and Helen had no one to turn to for help. She did not want to go home anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, like a bolt from the blue, she proposed to break up. Without explanation. I did not yield to persuasion. We stopped talking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months later she came to the club. Imposed a conversation and offered to resume the relationship. I could not refuse, because I wanted it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;We dated for a while, but after some time she left again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This went on several times: she breaks up with me, came back after some time, I forgive her, repeat. After some time she started to stalk me, wait me at my frondoor, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then it all turned into paranoia. I was constantly afraid to meet her somewhere. I was scared to go home, knowing her inclinations, I would not be surprised to learn that she is waiting for me inside, creeping under any exuses. This brought me trouble, so I went to extreme measures. I talked to her. I put the conditions that this time is the last. If she do it again, I will not forgive her anymore. At that moment, I just wanted to get rid of her, because I was 100% sure that it would not last long. Again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it happened. She left, less than three months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was used by her as much as possible because of my inability to refuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to distract myself. I started going to the gym. I tried to get other relationships. But no matter how much I try, I can not feel the mental closeness with other girls. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to get over it. How can I stop her if she stalk me again and how not to fall to her trap again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8219" LastEditorUserId="8219" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T15:43:10.890" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T15:43:10.890" Title="Relationship with a stalker: I want to get over it. How can I stop her if she stalk me again and how not to fall to her trap again?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-02T14:32:35.223" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6164" CreationDate="2017-11-02T13:37:10.967" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hormonal birth control pills come with a very interesting set of side effects listed, some of which are of a psychological nature (mood shifts, etc.). It would, perhaps, be best for both of you if you read that list of side effects, and discussed whether it would be a good idea to continue using them - there are, after all, other contraceptive options available. She might also visit medical specialists who can advise her on that topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, these two events may be entirely unrelated. She says she used to have these &quot;episodes&quot; when she was younger. Well, what exactly &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; they? Depression typically hits for longer phases than a single evening, so perhaps that's not quite the best way to describe what she's experiencing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should sit down with her and discuss the fact that her moods affect both of you, that you wish her to be happy, and that you would like to know more about any difficulties she is facing/enduring. Find out whether this is a condition that has plagued her in the past, and whether she was once on medication, or had some other means of combating these episodes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last but not least, just because you love her does not mean that you are the appropriate person to help her through these difficulties. If she really is experiencing some sort of mental health issues, then you should continue to encourage her to see a professional. And that includes one who might better advise her on the particular type of contraceptives that may be appropriate for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T13:37:10.967" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6166" CreationDate="2017-11-02T13:57:58.737" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Helen is clearly a very troubled person, and has to find her own path in life, which should probably include some professional help. Many of us have a strong instinct to try and help damaged individuals, however we are often the least qualified people to do so. Sometimes the absolute best thing you can do is point these people to appropriate resources, and encourage them to get help. Sadly, they are sometimes not interested in doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already seem to realize that continuing a relationship with Helen is not the best course of action for you. You also seem to suffer from a weakness toward her. Because she knows you have this soft spot for her, she will probably continue to push your buttons, and manipulate you into periodically accepting her into your life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound malicious on her part, and it may very well be (we have no way of knowing), however my bet is that you're probably one of the few people who have ever tried to &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; connect with her, and she probably equates you with some kind of safety net, or blanket, that she can return to whenever things get too difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not a burden easily shouldered, and although you have feelings for her, you probably don't have the expertise to really help her navigate her personal problems. On the occasions you do see her, advise her to get professional help. Maybe research some resources (not the &quot;lock her up&quot; kind), and hand her some print-outs every time you see her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you've also expressed a fear of being stalked, and that she has made you feel deeply uncomfortable. If you are trying to push her away, and she's not taking the hint, knowing that she can manipulate you into letting her back into your life, get the help of a friend in getting her off your case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If/when you see her outside your building, or know that she will be waiting for you when you get home, and you think you can't tell her off, &lt;em&gt;enlist the help of a friend&lt;/em&gt; to do so on your behalf. That friend can simply support you emotionally with their presence while you do the talking, or may do the talking on your behalf if you think you can't get the words out yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, involving a stranger will communicate the message to Helen that what she's doing is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not OK&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, and that the stakes have just gone higher. I am willing to bet that after a few such encounters, she will most likely back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to why you are so taken with Helen and compare every girl you meet with her (negatively), I think you need to examine your own emotions, and state of mind very carefully. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going to go out on a limb here, and say that you probably felt quite good about yourself being so needed by someone. You were truly the most caring person in her life, and the one to help her overcome all her obstacles. You'll likely not experience that with other women. In fact, they will most likely want more space, be quite independent, possibly making you feel like a secondary feature in their lives, unlike Helen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sort through your own feelings, and consider whether you think it's a good idea to really, truly be the center of someone's life in the fashion that you were becoming for Helen. It seems to have made you uncomfortable, so there were clearly down sides. Start to appreciate those differences in other girls, and I think it will help you move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T13:57:58.737" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6166" CreationDate="2017-11-02T14:07:38.947" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it's the least healthy relationships that are the hardest to get over. Some might say that what you're dealing with was a &quot;codependent relationship&quot; where one party is dependent on the other for emotional stability and the other needs them to be that dependent on them to feel &quot;loved&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These situations create perfect storms because both people &quot;need&quot; the relationship to feel whole, so they often go on dysfunctionally for years and often end badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best option here is probably going to be to seek help, if not from a licensed therapist, there are support groups, books,  and online resources for this sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the experience of having been in these kinds of relationships I can tell you that there's a difference between being loved and being needed. That's not to suggest that you two didn't love each other, it's just pointing out that being needed taints the relationship and causes imbalance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From experience I can also tell you that being in a healthy balanced relationship is much more rewarding. In a way it's much more meaningful to know that the person you're with wants to be with you and chooses to be with you, rather than needing to be with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most wounds heal with time, but &lt;strong&gt;I'd really recommend finding some support.&lt;/strong&gt; Even if you manage to get over this relationship with time and distance, people who tend to fall into these relationships often make a habit of doing it. Meaning that the chances of your next relationship being codependent as well are kind of high. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T14:07:38.947" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-11-02T14:36:02.777" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;I buy clothes for other people routinely. I have never been asked that. If someone in a store were to ask me &quot;who are you buying these for?&quot; I would stare at them in a way that made it clear they were crossing a line, and then say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not asking for assistance with this, thankyou&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure you don't need to know that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would do my very best to indicate (with body language and facial expression) that they have done something wrong and unhelpful by asking that. It is literally none of their business. And I don't mean &quot;I imagine this is what I would do if I was buying cross gender clothes for myself&quot; I mean this is what I would do today, right now, if buying a present for my son or husband and some busybody wanted to know all the details. Like, that's personal and I don't know you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, on the matter of trying things on, that is a harder challenge. Perhaps you could start out by shopping at places with generous return policies. Buy something, take it home, try it on, and if it doesn't fit, take it back and when they ask why you are returning, say truthfully&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;it didn't fit properly&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(The sentence works fine without saying who it didn't fit.) Over time you will get better at picking things out without even trying them on, and you may find particular stores that are more supportive and helpful than others (or just more crowded so as long as mens-clothes-dressed-you goes into the men's change room, they don't care what clothes you take in there.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be clear on this: a random store clerk does not have interrogation rights. You are not obliged to answer at all (including lying) just because it popped into their head to ask you. Go right ahead and decline, and if you want to, decline in a way that indicates they were not helpful to ask. And as for the one who &quot;pressed the point&quot; - not a store you want to give your money to, right? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T14:36:02.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6174" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-11-02T14:38:11.830" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you are asking for a polite response, but the truth is that your reaction should be dependent on the intention of the people you are approached by. There are after all multiple interpretations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;a.)&lt;/strong&gt; People just want to be helpful. Maybe the clerk only wants to help you in choosing the right sizes. In that case you can politely answer &lt;code&gt;&quot;I'm fine by myself. Thank you.&quot;&lt;/code&gt; or &lt;code&gt;&quot;Thank you very much. I don't need any help at the moment.&quot;&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;b.)&lt;/strong&gt; People just want to be polite and engage you in some innocent small talk. In this case you can answer with a little lie like &lt;code&gt;&quot;That's for my girlfriend. She has roughly the same size as me.&quot;&lt;/code&gt; - and yes a occasional white lie to a random stranger is perfectly OK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;c.)&lt;/strong&gt; If people &lt;strong&gt;keep pressing&lt;/strong&gt; the issue, they stop being polite to you and in this case you don't need to be polite any more yourself, too. Here being polite will not be helpful in most of the cases. I would personally just stare angrily at such a person and say nothing at all or say something like &lt;code&gt;&quot;That's none of your business!&quot;&lt;/code&gt; or with my best sarcastically undertone &lt;code&gt;&quot;I'm obviously into wearing womans dresses.&quot;&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2182" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T13:47:23.503" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T13:47:23.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-02T14:38:24.643" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;As Heinlein said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untravelled, the naive, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as &quot;empty,&quot; &quot;meaningless,&quot; or &quot;dishonest,&quot; and scorn to use them. No matter how &quot;pure&quot; their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a superfluous comment. It's them adding a little lubrication into the social machinery. You had to wait while they did their thing, they're acknowledging that you waited and signalling that they aren't taking it for granted. A simple &quot;thanks&quot; in response is all you need to do, you aren't thanking them for moving on. You're thanking them for acknowledging your existence and person-hood, and in the process adding a bit of oil of your own to the cogs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3207" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T14:38:24.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-11-02T14:58:12.640" Score="213" Body="&lt;p&gt;First things first. There's no reason to be ashamed. Some people may judge you and you may still be judging yourself, but there's really no need to. Love yourself for who you are and try not to let other people get you down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be a little early for this suggestion, but consider trying to become comfortable enough with yourself to be comfortable reaching out to the community. In most major Western cities you'll find like minded people and there's safety in numbers. I know that that may be a big step for you, but finding a shopping buddy will help tremendously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of the trans folks and cross dressing folks I've known find it much more comfortable to shop with a supportive friend and it's always nice to have a second opinion on an outfit that you've picked out. I've been a shopping buddy on a few occasions, it's great fun. Some retailers are even allowing people to join you in dressing rooms to offer a private opinion, so that you don't have to walk out in full view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not comfortable reaching out yet, you can always just tell people:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I'm shopping for someone special.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which has the benefit of being absolutely true and maintaining your privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I strongly recommend learning to love yourself and trying to reach out. You're not alone and there's an entire community of like minded people out there waiting for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T17:12:01.373" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T17:12:01.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-11-02T14:59:53.160" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest way would be to say you're prepping for a costume party. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It justifies in a very cisgender normative way buying any kind of woman's clothes and trying them on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can adjust the character you are going as to adjust for preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, buyng in a LGTB area would be a way better bet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8226" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T14:59:53.160" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6160" CreationDate="2017-11-02T15:07:20.347" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a rule of thumb, the seller/street fundraiser that receives two &quot;no&quot; knows that in most of cases they already failed to sell to that person and insisting is only going to waste their time, so saying no twice is sufficient. (Source: a friend working as a street fundraiser.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some other strategies you can follow:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The white lie&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's an excellent product! I already have it /I already worked for them/I already fund this charity! Bye!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This being told with the warmest smile and while making eye contact. It works very well with street fundraisers.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The thoughtful customer&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My dear, I don't want to waste your time, I'm not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always telling it in the nicest way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The counterattack&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ehi! Nice to see you, are you having a good day? Did you find nice people? How much time until the next pause?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, assail them (nicely) with lots of questions. Their work is based on making a good impression on people, so they will answer and you will have the time to slip away.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a general point of view, the most important thing is to be &lt;strong&gt;extremely nice&lt;/strong&gt;. Being a seller or street fundraiser means that people tend to be cold with you, to say the least. Giving a really nice message both with words and with the body language is already something they do not expect, even more if mixed with a &quot;no&quot;. Plus, they will appreciate it and the interaction will be more pleasant from both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T15:07:20.347" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6164" CreationDate="2017-11-02T15:56:29.947" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6168/3171&quot;&gt;AndreiROM&lt;/a&gt;, this could very well be a side effect of her new birth control. You should encourage her to talk to her doctor to explore this possibility and discuss options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now, about every other week or so, she has a night where if anything goes wrong she becomes very withdrawn and quiet, silently crying to herself and not talking to me about anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did this a lot in college, and still do sometimes. It's a difficult habit to break, especially when it's been going on for so long - as it has for your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The root of the problem, for me, was depression and anxiety. I would act &quot;normal&quot; for weeks on end while worries and fears piled up in the back of my mind, until one day I'd stare at my ceiling for too long...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually when this happened, I felt paralyzed and practically mute. I lacked an emotional vocabulary to express how I felt, and couldn't articulate what was bothering me (in part because I'd been ignoring my problems). So I would be very withdrawn and kind of get lost in my own head for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things that helped:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Patience and reassurance, non-verbal comforting like hugs or bringing her a cup of tea. She might not want to talk, and prefer you just let it pass. But she is probably feeling vulnerable, and so it helps to know that you are still there for her. (This can also look like bringing her a blanket and just checking in on her every so often, if she wants to be alone.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Simple or &quot;leading&quot; questions. This helped when I was open to talking, but didn't know how to. If you asked &quot;what are you thinking about?&quot;, I honestly couldn't say. But if it was, &quot;are you worried about [x]?&quot;, I could figure that out. Instead of &quot;how do you feel?&quot;, try sharing a list of emotion words with her and asking which ones she is experiencing. Yes/no questions are easy to answer vs. giving a full explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Distractions. Put on a movie, make dinner, play a board game. I even got tickled a few times (YMMV!! make sure you are still respecting her boundaries, of course). Sometimes I just needed a push to get back out of my own head. This works best if you can recognize when an episode is starting and nip it in the bud, so to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I still think you should &lt;strong&gt;encourage her to consult a professional&lt;/strong&gt;. It is one thing for you to comfort her for an evening, but tackling the root of the problem is a much bigger undertaking, and a professional will know how to diagnose and treat it properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T16:02:20.597" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T16:02:20.597" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6181" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-02T16:01:28.170" Score="1" ViewCount="237" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just started a new culinary business and it will make me look more credible to have more positive reviews and likes on my business facebook page but I don't get a lot of exposure so it's going slower than I was hoping for.&#xA;I nicely asked some of my friends, customers and coworkers who tasted and liked my food to leave a review but some said they would and didn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I ask for leaving more feedback on social media without being a nag?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastEditorUserId="11991" LastEditDate="2018-07-26T20:38:14.960" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T20:38:14.960" Title="How to ask friends and customers for business review?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-11-02T16:13:00.363" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find it incongruent that no one thinks anything of a woman wearing pants, but the same people raise eyebrows if a man wants to wear a dress. You might feel better if you kept that thought in mind. You are who you are, and your purchase of clothing is an expression of that fact. Even if you don't wear those clothes in public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your shoes, I would say that I was buying the clothes for &quot;my sister,&quot; or even &quot;someone in my family.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The former would be a &quot;white lie,&quot; but the latter is definitely true. You are &quot;someone in your family.&quot; This way you answer (truthfully) and deflect the question without &quot;incriminating&quot; yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2018-11-13T17:33:05.007" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T17:33:05.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6181" CreationDate="2017-11-02T16:16:38.060" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having worked in a small culinary start-up I would recommend not fishing for positive online reviews. It's not necessarily a great look if you end up with a bunch of fake-ish positive reviews.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure if you check around on Facebook, or the like, you'll notice reviews that come across as a little forced or they look like they were written by employees or friends. Give your future customers some credit, these things often look like what they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good reviews, particularly in the culinary business, tend to be more organic and accumulate slowly over time. Be patient. If your product speaks for itself, the word will travel naturally and the reviews will come along as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T16:16:38.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-11-02T17:04:15.543" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's nothing I can think of besides walking away that will absolutely stop someone from continuing their line of questioning. Even telling someone you don't want to talk about something doesn't always work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not interested in lying or offering the truth, one solution is to deflect with an obvious joke and put a question back to them.  &quot;For whom are you buying?&quot; I'm in the US, but since you're in Britain you could respond with: &quot;The queen. Do you think she'll like it?&quot; ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making this reply not seem rude is all in the delivery. When I say deflect with a joke, the delivery of the line must match that intent. Look at the clerk with a genuine smile and reply, &quot;It's for the Pope (while still smiling). Do you think he'll like it (light laugh)?&quot; &quot;Do you take cash/credit/etc.?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've gotten away from the question you'd rather not answer and put the asker in a similar situation - is that a question they wish to answer?  You can then ask them for help or excuse yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3013" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T15:53:58.923" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T15:53:58.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6164" CreationDate="2017-11-02T17:16:48.980" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like myself and my wife. @Em C has great suggestions, but the biggest help for us was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk about this when she isn't upset.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure she feels safe. Don't get upset. She isn't in trouble. You care about her and just want to understand what goes through her mind so that you can help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk about this when she isn't upset and can think clearly, when the anxiety and negativity aren't clouding things. Ask her what she wants from you during these times. Could be all she needs is patience and a shoulder to lean on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk about this often. After a couple of years together, my wife and I still struggle with this, with proper communication, but each time it's better, each time we learn more about each other and how to talk to each other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8233" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T17:16:48.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6160" CreationDate="2017-11-02T17:27:58.170" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Who cares?  If a bunch of strangers in a coffee shop, whom you most likely will never see again, think you're rude, what does that matter?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sales tactic relies on your lack of desire to be rude.  Any response you give them will be a reason for them to argue with you to try to push the sale.  The only response you need to give is &quot;not interested, thanks&quot; and keep repeating that.  if you are worried about appearing rude, who will people think is ruder: the person who continually says &quot;not interested, thanks&quot; or the person who won't listen to that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT your door: it's your door.  Tell them &quot;thanks, not interested&quot; and close the door.  It's not rude.  As long as they have you talking, they think there's a possibility to make a sale.  YOU own the door; you get to decide who you converse with there.  Much like a telemarketer on the phone, the only way to get them to stop the conversation is for you to end it and they will try to keep you talking as long as possible for the reason I stated above.  Any response you give them will only encourage them, even if it's to say something to &quot;Not interested in having a job?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not necessary to be harsh or cruel; they're trying to make a living.  But saying you're not interested repeatedly will get the point across and closing the door will prevent that person from wasting their time on a sale that won't happen.  And &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; is more polite than arguing with them about why you don't want their product and wasting their time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T17:27:58.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6191" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6192" CreationDate="2017-11-02T17:36:25.913" Score="9" ViewCount="651" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently transferred colleges, so I don't know many people here. I'm fine with introducing myself and I'm generally quite outgoing. However, an issue that I have encountered is that I cannot pronounce most people's names correctly. This is compounded by the fact that they are generally either softly spoken, or the environment is loud. I've never encountered most of these names in my life, as I'm from a different background and I really don't want to come across as ignorant or offensive. Everyone else has no issues with each other's names, as they've known each other longer and are all of similar or the same ethnicities whereas I've only been there four weeks at best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there any general techniques I can use to get somebodies name and how to pronounce it without appearing rude after having to ask multiple people to repeat themselves?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6351" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T03:08:17.890" Title="How to clarify how to pronounce someone's name when you've just met" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6191" CreationDate="2017-11-02T17:48:10.787" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Obviously, your best opportunity is to ask when you first meet the person. Introduce yourself by saying something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I'm [Name]. It's good to meet you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use your first name or your full name; if you use one convention, the other person will probably mirror that level of formality. So if you want their full name, you should give your full name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Immediately afterward, check your pronunciation. For instance, if the name is  &quot;Heinrich&quot;, you could say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Heinrich&quot; - is that how you pronounce it? I'm [cultural background], and I'm not good with [non-cultural background] names. Nice to meet you, Heinrich.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You win some sympathy points here. Everyone has names or words they can't pronounce. By explaining that these sort of names aren't your strong suit, you make it understandable if you have any mess-ups with their names in the future. Additionally, by repeating the name (clearly!), you can make sure you've heard correctly. If the person is truly soft-spoken, perhaps what they said wasn't totally clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repetition is key. Repeat the name in this conversation - unless it's going to be too awkward - to sear it into your head. If you don't use a skill - in this case, pronouncing a name - then your ability might deteriorate. Make sure that doesn't happen early on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the conversation, you could say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It was nice talking, Heinrich!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;as a final pronunciation check.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of this idea comes from times when I've spoken to someone from India or Pakistan; I'm usually quite bad with Indian names. &quot;Aditya&quot; in particular took me a while to get. Be careful of multiple names that sound or look alike but aren't. I called someone named &quot;Adil&quot; by the name &quot;Adel&quot; for two months, because I already knew someone with the latter name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-11-02T17:51:31.507" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T17:51:31.507" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6136" CreationDate="2017-11-02T18:28:38.717" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=find+a+middle+ground+religion&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;find a middle ground&lt;/a&gt; with your mother in terms of accepting and respecting her religious beliefs while working to convince her that there is no use being superstitious. Through a years-long, repeated and constructive dialogue on this subject and especially through your overall attitudes and behavior, you will also manage to convince your parents that despite lacking conventional religious belief you already are, and will always be a good, reliable and conscientious human being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an Indian living in India I am intimately familiar with the family situation in your question. I admire your having the strength of your convictions on this complex subject so early in life, but many people have 'found religion' in the most unexpected ways later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In September I actually asked a question on this site about how to handle a religious uncle who assumes that I am similarly religious:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4092/how-to-deal-with-a-religious-relative-who-keeps-assuming-that-i-am-similarly-rel&quot;&gt;How to deal with a religious relative who keeps assuming that I am similarly religious?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have recollected what I posted in a comment on that page:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's easy, especially in India, to pretend belief and 'go with the flow', which is what I usually do for unavoidable religious occasions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because we will eventually learn that honoring the generic religious life of the land and respecting other people's religious beliefs (including your mother's) is socially expected and culturally more important than our own personal faith or lack of faith.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;India has many religions and is a predominantly religious society; and I come from a generically and conventionally religious family. Indian women belonging to any faith are likely to be especially religious because men are expected to be the pillars of the wider social community but women are expected to be the real pillars of the religion and its rituals, and also to teach their children to have strong and unquestioning religious faith.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However my belief in religion was lukewarm to begin with and faded out completely by the age of 24, mainly because I had seen the harsh realities of human existence all around me and had no experience of the 'divine grace' to give depth and strength to socially acquired religious beliefs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I then passed through a one-year-long phase very similar to what you have described here&lt;/strong&gt;, when I resented having to take part in religious activities that I did not believe in, as directed my mother who is a very religious person. That phase was 12 years back and my parents eventually discovered my lack of religious belief. Luckily my father is not too religious himself and believes more in human goodness than rituals; and my mother was gracious enough not to make it a big issue of constant friction between us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In turn I had the good sense not to rebel overtly myself, and eventually settled into a pattern of doing my 'religious duties' in a mindlessly token manner with my parents tacitly accepting my lack of belief. &lt;strong&gt;However I managed to find a middle ground with my mother by stressing the value of religion's ethical and moral teachings while explicitly discouraging superstition.&lt;/strong&gt; I also learned to appreciate the social and psychological value of religious messages without taking extreme exception to what I still consider intrinsically meaningless rituals that however serve many social purposes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was for me and it is for you a good opportunity to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=learn+the+art+of+compromise&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;learn the art of compromise&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;. Superstitions and rituals are deeply embedded in certain religious cultures and it will not be easy to convince your mother because a superstitious person sees it as reality and not as superstition. It can also take years to get your parents' genuine acceptance of your being an unbeliever because Indian society heavily emphasises a religious life and your parents being orthodox will face a cultural challenge to accept your lack of belief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first 'heart to heart talk' on the topic with your mother, as advised in an earlier answer, will only serve to establish the foundation for a years-long running conversation on the issue. However it will eventually be a rewarding dialogue because we can influence our parents in positive ways  and I can report that &lt;strong&gt;my mother has eventually become not at all superstitious and she is now a quietly, sensibly religious and spiritually very strong person.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our morals and values are acquired not from religion as such but from excellent and ethical role models who are mainly our parents. Since Indian parents typically worry how their children will manage in life if they don't have the support of religious belief, it is your job to &lt;strong&gt;keep working constructively to convince your mother that despite lacking religious faith you are already being and will always be a good, reliable and conscientious human being.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also have to learn not to overly proclaim your atheism to the local community at large, now and in future, wherever you live now and wherever you may go later. Keep your unbelief in your own mind and do not challenge orthodoxy. Religion is taken &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; seriously in many parts of India and by Indians living in many parts of the world. So too by many other nations and  cultures. Your unbelief is your own business, but you will soon learn to tolerate some token display of religiosity in order to purchase peace and keep a low profile, so that you can concentrate on achieving what you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want in your life!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T00:38:09.817" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T00:38:09.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6164" CreationDate="2017-11-02T19:12:54.250" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was dating the woman who is now my wife, she was about the most level emotioned person I know. But when she got a Nexplanon implant in her arm, it all changed. She is in control enough to recognize that the birth control is the cause, but she would just get overwhelmed and depressed, especially in the evenings. For someone with less control than she has (not saying your girlfriend is in that category, but she might be), I can imagine it can get difficult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This sounds cliche, but if the problem is really her hormones, I suggest chocolate&lt;/strong&gt;. Maybe also a distraction like a dumb TV show. The chocolate has really helped us though. When she starts sinking, I just grab a chocolate bar and give it to her, and before long she levels out. Regularly eating foods that are high in estrogen (or cause increased estrogen production) like soy milk has also helped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your problem is difficult to solve through normal interaction and communication. It is just a hormone problem and the only way to solve that is to address the hormones, not the person. &lt;strong&gt;It isn't her that is withdrawn, it is her unbalanced brain chemistry.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T15:06:16.177" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T15:06:16.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6164" CreationDate="2017-11-02T20:44:01.227" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not a counselor, but I'm diagnosed with depression. The symptoms you described (overreacting to minor things, suddenly becoming non-responsive) sounds very much like clinical depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to understand that depressive episodes often appear with no warning and no control. Depressed people often don't have a reason why they suddenly feel so bad because there usually isn't an &quot;external&quot; reason why. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She needs to see a counselor. I know it can be really, really hard to get a depressed person to go to a counselor, especially if they tried that in the past. But she really needs to go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The analogy that got me to go was: treat mental illness like physical illness. If your back is sore after running, just take a day or two off. If you suddenly feel a stabbing pain and can't even stand up, then get to a doctor. If you're bummed out for a day or so, then take a personal day. If you suddenly feel so bad you can't get off the couch, go see a doctor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Barring that, I'll repeat some of the suggestions others have made:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discuss this when she's not in an episode. Depressive episodes make you feel really bitter and defensive. It's not the time to ask a depressive, 'What's wrong?' Wait until it seems to have passed, then talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit in the same room with her when she's in an episode, but don't expect to be very involved with her. A person in a depressive episode might not want to talk (or do anything else), but a trusted person's mere presence can be very comforting. This is why pets are so great for depressed people; they curl up next to you and just sit quietly. You don't have to sit quietly; read, watch a movie, whatever. Just do it in the same area she's in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Watch your own mental health. Depression is contagious. Caring for a depressed person can be really frustrating and make you feel awful. Make sure you're getting out with friends and doing things that keep you happy. Getting depressed alongside your girlfriend won't help her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to be a shrink. Depression is an illness that requires medical treatment. Just as you might massage out a tight muscle, but you wouldn't try to fix a slipped disk; you can help someone through a rough time, but you don't try to cure them of clinical depression. Get her to a counselor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8253" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T20:44:01.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-02T20:45:13.177" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do that sometimes. I'll say, &quot;All yours&quot; or, &quot;Have at it!&quot; when I'm finished with something, or sometimes when I'm holding the door for a friend I'll stand up real tall, bow my head some, and give a very extravagant curled arm twisted wrist gesture to them, signifying that they are most welcome to pass through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a people person at all, and I tend to not like anything culture-related. The reason &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; do this is just to make things more interesting. Life can be really boring sometimes, so I like to poke fun at things in a harmless (and what could be considered polite or friendly) manner, in spite of myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, my advice would just be to smile and nod, play along with it, enjoy yourself, etc. Don't take things personally and don't make them personal, as that's not my intent whatsoever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6819" LastActivityDate="2017-11-02T20:45:13.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6160" CreationDate="2017-11-02T21:06:58.843" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The first took place at my house where a person attempting to sell a&#xA;  product knocked on the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BEFORE&lt;/strong&gt; opening the door, ask &quot;Who is this&quot; and if it is not someone you know politely state &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I am not interested&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; and walk away without opening the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The second occurred at a coffee shop where I was having a conversation&#xA;  with another person when someone interrupted and began saying &quot;I'm not&#xA;  trying to sell you anything, but...&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a rare case that I believe you need to break my golden rule of &quot;&lt;em&gt;always be nice&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.  As soon as someone says &quot;&lt;em&gt;I am not trying to sell you something but..&lt;/em&gt;&quot; immediate raise your voice just an octave above theirs and say &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Then don't&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sales people by nature are a bit pushy/persistent and are used hearing a &lt;em&gt;standard&lt;/em&gt; version of the answer &quot;no&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you want these unwelcome sales people to hear is your version of &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Hell No&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;.  Having began my career in sales, &lt;strong&gt;most professionals will recognize it and move along&lt;/strong&gt;.  Those that don't you either have to ignore or walk away from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T11:15:05.383" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T11:15:05.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6202" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-02T23:41:19.390" Score="29" ViewCount="6818" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I travel on the bus &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt;. Twice a day, 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year (minus a few weeks holidays) and I &lt;strong&gt;love&lt;/strong&gt; it. It's a great time to unwind, to people watch, to lose yourself in thought for half an hour during that beautiful trip through the limbo of home life and work life where you can do simply nothing but wait to arrive at your destination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the most interesting parts I've found (&lt;sub&gt;yes, I find mundane stuff like social etiquette on buses interesting&lt;/sub&gt;) is dealing with busy buses, or more precisely the people on busy buses. Not crowded to the point people are standing or struggling to find space, but busy enough that there are no ideal* seats available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes they don't even have to be &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; busy; if everyone on the bus is sitting in an ideal seat and has a bag with them this problem can present itself when the bus isn't even half full (or half empty, I'm not sure what the optimistic outlook on bus capacity is).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*An ideal seat is one that has the window available and doesn't require you to climb over someone to get to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of capacity, but assuming there are no other ideal seats available, but there are plenty of seats that are not occupied by patrons but are instead occupied by their bags, what is the optimal way of ensuring they move their bag so that you can sit down and relax for the duration of the journey, preferably without any awkward 'he made me move my bag / I had to make them move their bag' tension between you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Attempts So Far&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps unsurprisingly, I have in fact made several attempts to ensure other passengers' belongs will not impede my derrière's voyage to its temporary resting place, with mixed results. When I say mixed results, every single time they have been successful in getting the item of dispute out of my bottom's path, but it is the resultant fellow passenger's reactions that have been mixed. Here they are listed in what I have felt has been the most positive reaction to the most negative (judged by the resultant body language, verbal response and eye contact for the remainder of the trip):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking the person 'Can you move your bag please?'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking the person 'Do you mind if &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; move your bag?'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling the person 'Move your bag.'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sitting down on the remaining seat that is left where the person's bag is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Moving the person's bag without any other interaction with the person. (As in picking it up and placing it on their feet, I've only done this once, I don't recommend it.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So as you can tell, I'm a bit of a connoisseur in bag moving, enjoying variety and keeping it fresh, but I'm still really interested to know what IPS's thoughts on the matter are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Clarifying Points&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think bag size matters here, if someone is lugging a huge suitcase around with them on the bus which, for any reason (even because they simply don't want to) isn't in the baggage area, then I'd rather stand than have them move it. They've got enough to deal with, I'll take the hit on this one. So let's assume a bag around small rucksack size unless you want to explicitly address different bag sizes in your answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My ticket does not entitle me to a seat.&lt;/strong&gt; An important point on this one. As a living, breathing human being I feel I am more entitled to a seat than your nan's groceries but this doesn't mean that I am.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People on the bus can be any age, any gender, any race, any shape, any size, anything, the only thing they share in common is a habit of placing their bag in between my butt and its planned safe harbour. Feel free to break it down in your answer though if you feel it is relevant.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It hasn't arisen before, but if someone refused to move their bag on the first attempt, I would make a single follow up attempt to reason with them and then I would drop it and figure out alternative arrangements for where to store my buttocks (likely another seat). I point this out just to clarify that the above list is not a progression through refusals, I'll quite happily accept that someone really wants to keep their bag on the chair.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Location: UK.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bus layout / seating arrangements are single seats arranged in pairs along each side of the bus with an aisle up the middle, thus:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/e8AhA.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/e8AhA.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Bus photo&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;from: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.busandcoachbuyer.com/meeting-customer-satisfaction&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.busandcoachbuyer.com/meeting-customer-satisfaction&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you think IPS, how can I secure a seat to hang my heinie with minimal ill-effects on the person who has to move their bag?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8179" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T20:09:04.370" Title="I want to sit down on the bus but someone's bag is in the way, how can I ensure this isn't the case when I lower my posterior onto the seat?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6202" CreationDate="2017-11-03T00:59:56.380" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many things are a matter of mindset. My mindset in approaching the problem is &quot;that person didn't notice that the bus is running out of empty seats and forgot to put their bag out of the seat. So if there is a seat with a bag on it, it's obvious that I will have the seat, and that the bag will be removed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I walk to that seat with the right attitude, say &quot;excuse me&quot; loud enough to be noticed, and they move their bag. Works without any problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the question: &quot;My ticket does not entitle me to a seat. An important point this one. As a living, breathing human being I feel I am more entitled to a seat than your nan's groceries but this doesn't mean that I am.&quot; I don't know about you, but I am more entitled. I bet nan's grocery doesn't have a ticket. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the question: &quot;It hasn't arisen before, but if someone refused to move their bag on the first attempt, I would make a single follow up attempt to reason with them and then I would drop it...&quot; There is no point reasoning with them. They have to move the bag, that's all there is to it. If they don't move it, it will be moved for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that happened to me: I enter a very full underground carriage. But there are three empty seats. I check it out and they are empty because some guy, drunk and asleep, managed to occupy all four seats and that is more impoliteness than brits can handle. Had to wake him up, which he was not happy with, but then I got a seat and two more passengers got a seat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2017-11-04T21:01:29.497" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T21:01:29.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6202" CreationDate="2017-11-03T01:05:53.090" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Social etiquette on a bus after the 'ideal' seats are taken is that people work together to get the most number of people sitting, and then physically onto the bus and you are not out of line in prompting someone to move their bag. However, there are a few exceptions where you should leave the passenger be such as if there is no place where the bag will fit other than on the seat which can happen with a combination of particularly large bags or particularly frail older passengers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I also bus to work every day and have found that most people understand this usually unspoken etiquette, and after thinking about this fact, there are a few more options that you did not list in your attempts and would have the best chance of going smoothly/without any awkward or upset feelings coming from the passenger who moved their bag. These would be to try and draw attention to yourself which would prompt clued in passengers to move their bags. You can do this by walking down the aisle and not so subtly looking around for a place to sit, standing/waiting for a minute or best of all making eye contact with a promising passenger. If you make eye contact and they do not move their bag then this would be an opportune moment to as one of your first two attempts after which any normal person would happily move their bag with less chance of bad tension than flat out telling them to move their bag. Your other attempts are all still socially acceptable other than #5 which would only be okay in very rare cases such as a completely full -1 seat bus where a passenger has headphones plugged in, is looking away and has a very small and easily hold-able bag on the seat. In this case simply moving it would be seen more as just assuming the goodwill of the other passenger and that they would move it if they noticed and you are only helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case where a passenger refuses to move their bag they are obviously in the wrong but I think your strategy is more likely to cause conflict than acquire your rear end a place to rest, not to mention you wouldn't be able to properly relax next to someone who is needlessly upset with you. The best option would be to turn and look for another seat, in which the conflict would have probably drawn enough attention that a better mannered passenger may even immediately offer you a seat as a way of publicly showing the 'correct' way of behaving on a bus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T01:05:53.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6202" CreationDate="2017-11-03T01:27:45.517" Score="17" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Asking the person 'Can you move your bag please?'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't think of a single way of using tone or inflection so that this doesn't come off as rude.  &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;edit&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/strong&gt; I should probably add that I believe this is rude due to the inherent demand for the seat in the statement.  Yes, you are using please, however you are essentially forcing your will on someone else.  To me this says &quot;Either move your bag or I will!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree that it can be considered rude for the person to have placed the bag in that location to begin with.  Whether this question is more or less rude is immaterial because the point of the entire exchange is to acquire this seat.  Making demands from the start is a poor way of getting what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Asking the person 'Do you mind if I move your bag?'  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds entirely unreasonable.  No you can't touch my stuff!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Telling the person 'Move your bag.'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Authoritative and incredibly rude.  I hope you are a police officer...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Sitting down on the remaining seat that is left where the person's bag is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is very passive aggressive and presumptive on your part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;5&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Moving the person's bag without any other interaction with the person. (As in picking it up and placing it by their feet, I've only done this once, I don't recommend it.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is worse than #2 above - entirely unreasonable and even threatening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems to me that the best way is to be polite about the entire exchange and just ask nicely:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Hi.  May I sit here?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;update by request&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Starting off by saying &quot;Hi&quot;, you are getting the person's attention in a friendly manner.  Smiling while doing this will also help.  After all, it's hard to ignore someone that's friendly and smiling.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;May I sit here?&quot;  This does several things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It signals your desire for the seat.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It grants the other person the power to make the decision as to whether they want you next to them.  By helping them feel empowered they are more likely to give you what you want.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;By being polite, you are signaling that you aren't a scary person to be next to.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Unlike the options you originally listed, this is non-confrontational.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been my experience that people place bags next to them in order to prevent unwanted neighbors.  If you come across as friendly, polite and generally amenable then you are signalling that you aren't the worst choice..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think adding the word &quot;please&quot; changes any of the above.  It might make a difference in certain locales, just not the one I happen to be in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6073" LastEditorUserId="6073" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T18:16:48.990" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T18:16:48.990" CommentCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6206" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-03T01:48:57.353" Score="2" ViewCount="849" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother and I, we share a room, have not had a good track record of keeping it clean. Usually he gets a cup of water before bed and leaves it somewhere in the room half full. He also never makes his bed. He's also very sentimental, so anything my parents intend to throw out that he deems worthy enough, he stocks it in our small room. This leaves our room cluttered, and hard to maintain. I have other issues. I usually leave plates because we don't have a bin and forget about it. I also sit on his bed a lot (doing homework or on the laptop), since mine doesn't have a comforter as mine slides out from under his to save space. Anywho, when it comes to cleaning the room usually it's me who steps up (after a fair bit of procrastination) and I do it when I have the motivation. This makes me super efficient, and I deep clean the room and straighten everything the best I can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have straightened out my recent lack of motivation in keeping the room clean and other aspects of my life. I acknowledge my problems and past experiences with this issue. I recently cleaned the entire room, and intend on keeping it entirely clean. The cleanliness has sparked productivity within me, but my brother's issues are still prevailing. I come home from school everyday to his bed unmade, his blanket on the floor, and wake up to a cup on the windowsill. I'm worried if I don't account for his issues in keeping up with the room that it will return to the pigsty it previously was. I have tried to address this issue to him but every time I do, he doesn't take me seriously, switches the subject, or says &quot;But you make the room dirty with all the gross stuff!&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some things I can say to him? I don't want to come off completely assertive to him because he won't take it seriously if I start off like that. I want to segway into this at an oppurtunity I will find, but I just don't know how to express myself without him finding a way to ignore it. But if there's no other option I would like some things to say, where I am assertive. Just some things I can say to him at varying levels of intensity while not being rude or ignorable. Thank you so much!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8259" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T10:55:37.890" Title="How to get sibling to assist in room cleaning?" Tags="&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6206" CreationDate="2017-11-03T02:16:26.197" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Honesty&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;self-commitment&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;straight-forwardness&lt;/strong&gt;, and &lt;strong&gt;co-operation&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should try approaching him again, but this time, &lt;strong&gt;admit your own problems&lt;/strong&gt; first, and make a promise of trying your best to keep the room nice and tidy. This would eliminate his excuse of &quot;not cleaning up because the other person makes a mess as well&quot;. And you can &lt;strong&gt;encourage your brother to remind you&lt;/strong&gt; when you forget to take out the plates or doing something that might affect the cleanliness of his part of the room, or the room overall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now is &lt;strong&gt;your brother's half&lt;/strong&gt; of the deal. When you have clearly stated your commitment to keeping the room in good condition, you can work out things with your brother as well. You can try &lt;strong&gt;dividing the cleaning&lt;/strong&gt; between the two, and switch roles in cycles so that one does not have to take out the dishes year-round. &lt;strong&gt;Material incentives&lt;/strong&gt; might help, but remember, for best effect, they should work both ways (if you do something wrong, you have to take the consequences as well).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is also the &quot;hoarding&quot; problem that seems to pose a significant difficulty in keeping your room dust-free. It is really hard to get other people to part with things they decide to keep (especially if they are emotionally attached to them), but try &lt;strong&gt;convincing him to go through his stuff&lt;/strong&gt; to see if there is anything he does not value anymore. Then, together, find a way to either &lt;strong&gt;stock&lt;/strong&gt; it in the tidiest manner possible, or &lt;strong&gt;integrate&lt;/strong&gt; the things he have into the overall decoration of the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would love to have updates on this, if you please.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8264" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T02:16:26.197" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6208" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6212" CreationDate="2017-11-03T02:45:00.777" Score="3" ViewCount="1837" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this Sarah Scribbles' strip illustrated the question in a nutshell:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/zIWud.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/zIWud.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;enter image description here&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when at meetups, or at miscellaneous networking events I would meet people I could click with and become friends - common topics, shared interests, what not. After that event though, I worried about how to catch up with them. How do I ask? Is saying &quot;Hey do you want to hang out and have coffee together and talk about stuff&quot; sounds strange to me, and is only something that I will ask of a friend whom I know very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some possible &quot;excuses&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6948" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T13:56:13.330" Title="How do I follow up with new acquaintances to develop a friendship?" Tags="&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-01-02T17:58:13.577" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6206" CreationDate="2017-11-03T02:55:16.377" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do like Tri Le's approach, but let me offer an approach which has worked in my household...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Establish &quot;Action Time&quot;, which is the same time (say 9pm just to get a number out there).  At Action Time, you and bro go in and clean up everything which needs it.  The first time, it may be a bit rough, because there's a backlog of uncleaned items, but as the habit kicks in -- this is key, what makes it work is that you're trying to establish a &lt;strong&gt;habit&lt;/strong&gt; -- it'll be easier, with only 1 day's worth of awfulness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have the habit going, you can build on it.  Start focusing on putting things away &lt;em&gt;the very moment&lt;/em&gt; you're done with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More I could say, but let's start with this.  Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T02:55:16.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6210" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6208" CreationDate="2017-11-03T03:01:21.850" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me lay down a couple of ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, this part:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;saying &quot;Hey do you want to hang out and have coffee together and talk about stuff&quot; sounds strange to me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;needs attention.  Why don't you just ... try it?  See what happens.  If it sounds too vague and random, link it to something specific.  There's always a renaissance fair or community theater play going on.  Always have such an event &quot;in your pocket&quot; as it were.  If you meet someone you want to hang around with more, you've got something nice and specific ready and waiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, you might play around with the wording a bit as well.  Maybe, &quot;Hey, I'm at loose ends this Thursday.  Want to go grab a bite?  Heard about this new place...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T03:01:21.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6211" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6191" CreationDate="2017-11-03T03:08:17.890" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's something I've tried and have been happy with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, it's ... Heinrich, right?&quot;  This usually gets a nod, unless I'm light-years off base.  &quot;Heinrich.  Am I saying it right?&quot;  Given with a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what makes this work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The smile.  It shows your good intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't wrap it up in a huge awkward speech.  &quot;I am unfamiliar with your cultural background, ya ya ya ya&quot;  Just be friendly and &lt;em&gt;out with it!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T03:08:17.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6208" CreationDate="2017-11-03T03:10:35.000" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Through personal experiences i have found that using the knowledge of your shared interests is the most helpful when trying to bridge the gap between acquaintances you may occasionally meet at miscellaneous networking events&quot; and friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When using this information to come up with &quot;excuses&quot; I would suggest doing so in steps over time, where your invitations gradually become more and more personal which gives each of you more of a chance to gain that mutual understanding that you both enjoy the others company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These steps should be refined and adapted to your personal situation but here is an example of what I would do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First draw attention to the fact you are hoping to see them at an event you are both already going to. This first step is the most nerve wracking still important and choosing an event you are both already attending helps relieve the pressure for you and the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I just heard about {%insert social event} (will you be attending?)/(i hope to see you there)/(i have this {%insert shared interest} to show you)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next invite them to a new event they aren't attending of a similar nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My colleague told me about {%insert new event} I was wondering if you wanted to go and check it out with me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After inviting them to a few of these, try to bridge the events into something more personal where the goal is to hang out with them rather than attend the networking event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you want to meet up and have coffee or something before going to the event?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually disregarding the event entirely where asking them if they want to hang out feels natural. The key here being that people feel more comfortable with things that are familiar to them. So slowly leaning into it can help reduce that awkward feeling, doing all of this may be a bit excessive and some of the steps could be unreasonable in your situation. Skipping some or all of the build up and going straight to asking someone to hang out is still totally fine! So please, after meeting someone you would like to befriend, push through the awkward and anxious thought that makes you hesitate and simply make an offer to follow up, however clumsy or embarrassing it may be and you will find that many people are delighted by the idea of hanging out with you again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T03:51:55.503" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T03:51:55.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6213" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6208" CreationDate="2017-11-03T04:28:58.967" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, &lt;strong&gt;you don't have to ask them out for coffee if you don't feel like asking them to drink coffee with you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you start a relationship, remember, &lt;strong&gt;your feeling comfortable is important&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try thinking it more like &quot;What do I enjoy that the other person is likely to enjoy as well, or at least give a try?&quot;. After all, if you and the other person have exchanged information, and the other person hasn't reached you, you can reach out first. And &lt;strong&gt;you can choose to use what pickaxe to break the ice&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is what I can suggest you for now. Please update, and hopefully I and the community can help you some more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8264" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T04:28:58.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6214" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-03T04:43:17.883" Score="4" ViewCount="2766" Body="&lt;p&gt;A while ago, I was visiting an acquaintance to help her with something. After I finished fixing the problem, she asked me to do another thing &quot;while you're at it&quot;. Let's say I'm done sweeping the house, and she asked me to mop the floor. The task was related, and it would take approximately half an hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was not something I've agreed to do before, and certainly I was not planning for it. The complexity and needed time of the issue were not an issue (although it was not a small task), I didn't have anything else planned, but I felt like I was put on the spot if I refuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, from the past interaction with this person, I had a suspicion that she was planning to ask for this when she asked for my help. Note that I'm also worried that her request become slippery slope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After this, can you do X? (After I've done X) Can you do Y? It will only take 5 minutes, I promise!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I refuse her request politely?&lt;/strong&gt; My goal is to refuse the task and maintain the relationship, especially allowing me to leave (preferably not immediately, see below) with smiles on both of our faces :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was visiting her to improve relationship. That's why I agreed to help her in the first place. Refusing seems to nullify what the improvement I was originally aimed for. Preferably, I was hoping to stay a while for a chat (casual, but I have certain goal in mind), but if it's too awkward to stay after refusing her request, I'm fine to leave. (for example: I need to go)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt; Initially I was asked to help her install a software. It took an hour to get the software ready for her to use. After that, she asked me to install the companion app on her phone. I could see that I have to check whether the app and the software in PC can communicate with each other properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt there's a &quot;professional&quot; that I can direct her to, because the task seemed very simple to be handled by a technician. She lived alone, so she had rather limited connection to someone who can do this. I can understand that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T06:55:15.010" LastActivityDate="2020-01-15T04:50:08.210" Title="How to refuse someone asking for additional help &quot;while you're at it&quot;?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6215" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6214" CreationDate="2017-11-03T06:00:54.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's really hard to say no to someone close asking for a favor. This is the thing that one need to learn via practices. After a series of similar situations, I have learned this and am sharing how to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I have to go somewhere for something important. Can we do that after n hours or day (replace n with a certain number)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strike&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think (or I am not confident enough) I can do x? Why don't you ask someone else?&lt;/strike&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should really say that with confidence because people may try to convince you to do x if you don't show self-confidence. You should be confident and polite here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisabeth-saunders-medlock-phd/you-can-say-no-8-ways-to-_b_6497954.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This article&lt;/a&gt; also shares some great tips and I am taking some tips from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;This does sound like something that may be for me. AND I have just committed to three other priorities right now. Will you come back in _____ days/weeks and give me another chance to consider this opportunity with you.&amp;quot; This works because it acknowledges interest and keeps you from taking on more than you can complete.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I wish I could, but it is just not possible right now. Thank you for thinking of me.&amp;quot; Your no is based on the timing and thanking the requester really helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And also, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.planetofsuccess.com/blog/2011/learn-to-say-no/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this one&lt;/a&gt;,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I can’t manage that as I have to focus on important affairs&amp;quot;, will help you to decline the other persons request in a friendly but crystal clear way. How to apply? As a polite but direct form of saying &amp;quot;no&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T06:57:01.070" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6202" CreationDate="2017-11-03T06:48:17.873" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First things first :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask your bus driver or bus service what their rules are.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social etiquette is not the only issue here, as public transport systems have rules and generally have rules about bags on seats as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are also wrong to prioritize other peoples' feelings about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; being rude asking them to move their bags.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They're&lt;/strong&gt; being rude &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; moving their bags.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question which should have a seat, bags or a person has no real dilemma IMO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bags can go under feet or on laps.  I do it all the time.  This is reasonable behavior.  And people with too many bags should be putting them in the stowage area - there normally is a small one on buses here (Dublin,Ireland).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to ask ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you're over-thinking this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A plain and simple, &quot;Sorry, I need to sit here.&quot; usually works fine for me.  Typically I find that just giving people a sympathetic nod and a glance at the seat works.  I use public transport all the time and typically at rush hour (when a seat is a luxury more often than not after the first few stops).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moving them yourself is not a good idea - the legality of this is dubious.  However I am certain that the bus driver (or conductor if you still have one of those mythical creatures) almost certainly can demand they move the bags and require them to leave the bus if they don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I suspect people being unreasonable and refusing is probably against your bus company's terms and conditions (which you and they are bound by when you purchase a ticket).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Public transport is, by it's nature, a cooperative exercise that requires people to use common sense.  People who don't or won't do not deserve anything more than minimal courtesy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My ticket does not entitle me to a seat.&lt;/strong&gt; An important point this one. As a living, breathing human being I feel I am more entitled to a seat than your nan's groceries but this doesn't mean that I am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost certainly you're not entitled to a seat if the bus is full to standing, but equally I'd be astonished if you didn't have priority over someone's bags under typical terms and conditions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's not loose sight of the fact that this is a business transaction and people are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; paying for a seat for their bags.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T06:48:17.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6217" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-03T06:49:55.077" Score="25" ViewCount="5691" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am doing my internship right now. My office has a large number of full timers. They are also much older than me, therefore our age group is not the same. Our job duties are also different, therefore I do not get an opportunity to talk with them by asking for help regarding work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope to make friends with them as I feel that being friends with those who are working with me is important and gives me a positive environment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I go about initiating conversation with them, without it turning to be awkward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7327" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T10:07:47.503" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T16:27:14.393" Title="As an intern, how do I make friends with full timers?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;singapore&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6218" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1573" CreationDate="2017-11-03T07:20:19.093" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another possible answer that may reduce the chance of conflict is to quietly &lt;strong&gt;physically acknowledge&lt;/strong&gt; Mallorys attempts to talk with you in a comforting way while clearly maintaining your focus on Alice. This could mean:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Holding her hand that she poked you with&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Placing your hand on her shoulder and leaving it there for a while&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A gentle shove and then shush sign (while smiling) after a particularly loud laugh&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These options do a few things: They let Mallory know that you are clearly aware of what she is trying to tell you. Her voice being raised, and physical intrusions on you are likely a symptom of wanting to make sure you are listening to her. Doing this essentially tells her that you have heard her, but firmly shows that would like to listen to Alice. It is subtle and does not disrupt the group. It is more likely to discourage any further interruption because unlike telling her to stop, these actions do not give any opportunity for her to respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially this is a way to treat Mallory as more of a friend than the nuisance she is acting like while quickly and quietly dealing with the situation, and making it easier to do so in the future. People can respond quite badly when their wrongdoings are made public and it seems she has already thrown &quot;temper tantrums&quot; in situations like this before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like you could bring it up with Mallory in private later on where she can respond much more rationally than if it were in the heat of the moment and may even have a slightly better chance of reconsidering her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T07:20:19.093" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6219" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-11-03T07:28:14.047" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T07:28:14.047" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T07:28:14.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6220" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-11-03T07:28:14.047" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in the Republic of Singapore or Singapore culture." OwnerUserId="6561" LastEditorUserId="6561" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T08:00:57.900" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T08:00:57.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6217" CreationDate="2017-11-03T07:55:10.230" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stopping by to make smalltalk is hard to pull off effectively unless you are really good in making smalltalk and keeping a conversation going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, breaks, during lunch or simple coffeebreaks, are a great moment to socialize in the workspace. It doesn't disturb someone working, and it is something that most people regularly do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Join the group during breaks, see what topics they're discussing, and try to contribute to that. Don't just insert yourself into the conversation, but ease into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't go from stranger right to friend. Get to know eachother, socialize, join in the conversations they're already having. Don't rightout demand their attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T07:55:10.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6217" CreationDate="2017-11-03T07:57:54.840" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you don't have many opportunities to socialize with your coworkers. So trying for water-cooler style small talk will probably come off as forced and not be appreciated very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Outside of lunch break, which is about your best bet for daily socializing, try to make time for special company events, if there are any. Often times, there'll be like a company outing or party for special occasions, for instance a christmas party. These are the parties you really want to attend because that is where a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of the inter-company socializing happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do take care that you restrain yourself and don't come across as trying to barge in to conversations, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T07:57:54.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6224" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6217" CreationDate="2017-11-03T08:00:37.777" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can very much relate to your scenario as I was an intern for 1 year at a very small tech company with only 3 others in the office all aged around 50 whereas I am 20. (I am now full time and feel that I fit in quite well)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say the best advice I can give is to &lt;strong&gt;take interest&lt;/strong&gt; in the things they say and to not push it, but allow for &lt;strong&gt;familiarity&lt;/strong&gt; to grow &lt;strong&gt;over time&lt;/strong&gt;. Being involved in as many conversations as possible but perhaps not saying so much, contributing more and more as you learn more about their humor, interests and tasks in the company. (You don't want to be known for intruding frequently with useless comments)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of the age difference there will undoubtedly be a few areas that make some conversations particularly difficult to take part in. For me the worst was technical expertise. These guys were pro's in our field of work and comparatively I hardly knew anything. But taking interest, and allowing time for my familiarity to grow has helped me reach a point where I can at least follow the conversation occasionally querying a few points when the topic of conversation gets more technical. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More ordinary conversations are your chance to shine as a relatively new intern.   With minimal effort you can easily stay up to date with the latest news for small talk when walking into the office or going on lunch break. I was fortunate as I really clicked with and enjoyed the office's sense of humor. Also, as someone of a unique age in the group your opinion can be appreciated as a new point of view in some of the more &quot;modern&quot; conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, focusing and improving on your work will help immensely (after all, that is what you are there to do). So try to enjoy your time there, improve your skills and even go into your own time to mull over some problems as although it may seem unrelated it can add up and really improve your working relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T08:07:36.863" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T08:07:36.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6109" CreationDate="2017-11-03T08:55:13.947" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a feeling that you would prefer to speak with her not that straightforward about the meeting up. What about just texting her that yesterday you saw her somewhere and ask was it her? You can say that you saw her in the shopping center but she was on the other end of a shopping center and you tried to say hello but she did not see you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it sounds strange but it would be kind of random message with which you can start a conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7882" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T08:55:13.947" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6217" CreationDate="2017-11-03T08:59:12.737" Score="16" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are a intern, they are full-timers / You are much younger than they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll have a look from the other side of the lense as, for years, I've been on the other side: much older than the team (at the workplace) or the student (in my own company). It might be useful to understand how it works from another point of view...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What did I expect?&lt;/em&gt; As a newcomer, to become part of their group, or, in case I already was in the place, that they feel welcome and become part of my group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What were the expectations?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;feeling good together whenever possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do a great job &lt;em&gt;as a team&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;teach or learn new things (&lt;strong&gt;yes!&lt;/strong&gt; elders and full-timers can learn from younger and kind of inexperienced folks / newcomers!).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wait! But that's just what &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; want to achieve too! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How did I manage that? Just trying to be as nice as possible...&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;But it takes time. You can't break through right away. You first need to know the other one(s). Do they talk a lot or not? What are they interested in? Do they like to talk or just keep silent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for you, I could meet my colleagues for 2 / 3 minutes each hour, at the coffe machine, or at lunch time. Anytime I had a chance, I would just ask something nice: &lt;em&gt;how is it going? Need anything? Where can I find this? and so on...&lt;/em&gt; My best advice is: &lt;strong&gt;don't start with something personal, keep it professional, but nice, in a way that, either you offer help, or ask for help.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is the first (and major) step: if they see you as a nice and helpful guy, they/you just opened the door. From there, you'll have opportunities, they will come to you much more easily.  And they/you can start the small talks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did that when working with up to 38 different nationalities mixed together (European / North American / Central and South American / Asian). And the age range was 20 -&gt; 50. We pretty quickly found the ones that would gather together, and small groups were born...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T10:13:28.867" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T10:13:28.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6206" CreationDate="2017-11-03T10:09:15.663" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in a similar situation, where my brother and I kept the whole house a real mess all the time.&#xA;Then suddenly one day, my brother found the motivation to not only clean the entire house, but also to keep it clean afterwards. I on the other hand did not share that motivation at that time.&#xA;Some weeks passed and my brother still was doing all the cleaning. This made me feel guilty, but it still was not enough for me to actually help him. But in this time I could see the advantages of a clean house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was only after we had a talk about it that I came to my senses.&#xA;He told me how he got the new motivation (girlfriend) and how he felt about having a messy house. That he understands my laziness (he was like me before) but that he &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; likes it when the house is clean, and explained why. We created a cleaning plan and I did my part from then on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you can apply the same tactic as my brother did:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For a &lt;strong&gt;limited&lt;/strong&gt; time, just bite the bullet and keep your shared room as&#xA;  clean as possible. Don't try to shame him if he leaves his glass on&#xA;  the windowsill, just remove it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He will see the positive aspects of a clean room and feel guilty&#xA;  that you have to clean after him. Eventually, he will do those things&#xA;  on his own. If not, have a conversation with him and tell him your&#xA;  motivations for a clean room. ask him if he can understand that or&#xA;  even let him think himself into your situation, whatever your newly&#xA;  found motivation might be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Then try to make a deal where you two agree on who does what or when.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could start your conversation with something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You may have noticed that for a while now I have been trying to keep&#xA;  our room cleaner than usual. This is because {&lt;code&gt;your motivation&lt;/code&gt;}. I&#xA;  understand that you do not necessarily share my motivation, but surely&#xA;  you like it too when our room is clean? Maybe we can agree on {&lt;code&gt;your&#xA;  plan for cleaning in the future&lt;/code&gt;}? If we work &lt;strong&gt;together&lt;/strong&gt; on this, it&#xA;  will be almost no effort at all I'm sure.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also mention that your brother hoardes stuff that your parents would've thrown out. Do not remove those things without him, it will only lead to an angry brother. Instead, try to ask him for each item, why he does not want it to be thrown out and whether he intends to use them in the future. If it is only sentimental as you say, maybe take pictures of them and hang them up or make an album.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T10:55:37.890" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T10:55:37.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6231" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6206" CreationDate="2017-11-03T10:29:31.343" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a &quot;messy&quot; person myself, I'd suggest to explain to him &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; this mess bothers you. Simply stating the fact that he didn't make his bed will not help you, neither will trying to get him into doing something he doesn't want to do by manipulative tricks described in the other answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk about your feelings, why a clean room is important for you, for your productivity as you mentioned. Ask him to &lt;strong&gt;help you&lt;/strong&gt;. Men and women in general have considerably different cleanliness standards, and it is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; his obligation to raise his up to yours. He didn't choose you as a roommate. But if you ask him directly and explain everything honestly and respectfully, I'm sure even the worst type of a messy brother will help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7412" LastEditorUserId="7412" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T10:40:09.527" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T10:40:09.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6160" CreationDate="2017-11-03T13:07:31.247" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone is trying to sell you something, which you don't want, and politely informed them of your lack of interest, and they still continue to talk you into it, then it's not you who is being rude, but &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO it's not bad manners or being rude to tell someone like that to go away, or to close the door in their face. In case of the coffee shop, if they still don't comply with the request to go away, talk to the proprietor or server and they may kick them out. It can't be in their interest to have people in their shop who molest the patrons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in any case, don't worry that the sellers may think you're being rude, because you're not. &lt;em&gt;They&lt;/em&gt; are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8296" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T13:07:31.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5143" CreationDate="2017-11-03T13:18:50.800" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does he not &quot;get&quot; it because he's never met anyone who could explain how they feel, from the inside?  Well, now he has.  If he's talking about stuff like this, can you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the majority, &quot;romantic&quot; will pretty inevitably turn sexual.  It's important not to start something which could destroy your friendship.  To be clear, it's not the romance which could affect the friendship, but that he may feel like you have concealed an essential part of yourself from him.  Talking about it now cannot get you or him hurt; but only talking about it somewhere down the line inevitably will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, it is absolutely &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; your job to raise awareness amongst the general public or to be a spokesperson for your orientation.  But someone you are considering as a partner is not just any random person.  If you feel you need to hide your &quot;real&quot; self from your partner (or a potential partner), I suggest they're not the partner you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T13:18:50.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6239" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6164" CreationDate="2017-11-03T13:38:12.133" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;One day a brave knight received a letter from a princess, which said that she had been kidnapped by a fearsome dragon and locked up at the top of a tall tower.  Immediately, the knight mounted his horse and rode to the tower.  He ascended the many flights of stairs and eventually encountered the dragon, whom he slayed after a long and difficult battle.  Triumphant, the knight unlocked and opened the door to the princess' room, whereupon she folded her arms and frowned: &quot;I didn't ask for you to &lt;strong&gt;solve&lt;/strong&gt; my problems, I just wanted you to &lt;strong&gt;listen&lt;/strong&gt; to them!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the hardest thing to do for someone you love is to listen and nothing more.  Everyone has emotional struggles that ultimately have to be dealt with by themselves.  Too much human contact - even from loved ones - during a state of emotional stress can feel suffocating.  I had to go through multiple relationships with partners affected by depression and anxiety before I learned this difficult lesson: some problems simply cannot be talked through to resolution, and sometimes well-meaning words can backfire and hurt when somebody is not in a rational state of mind.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as your partner is not prone to self-harm, then they will be ok after they get over the shock depressive state.  Just let them know that you're there for them when they need you, and meanwhile you can do the dishes or something to help set a feeling of a stable and welcoming place for them when they are ready to emerge from a depressive state.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have mentioned, chronic emotional problems are best worked through by an experienced professional.  While I would not suggest that a therapist could solve your partner's problems, they could at least have a better understanding of their context and the parallel struggles of others, and ways that have helped them, which could ultimately help your partner as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7058" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T13:38:12.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-11-03T13:44:04.807" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel safe, try to find the courage to say &quot;myself&quot;. Hopefully the shop assistant is just looking to help you find the best clothes, and they can't do that if they don't know who will be wearing them. Maybe they've got some items which would fit a man better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The success of this is going to depend on the shop and city. I live in Brighton, a very liberal city where it is not unusual to walk past a man in the street wearing women's clothing. There are also areas of London and Manchester with large LGBT populations. People in some other parts of the UK will be less accepting of cross dressing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4394" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T13:44:04.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6208" CreationDate="2017-11-03T13:56:13.330" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe in &quot;if you don't ask you won't find out&quot; and &quot;what is the worse that can happen?&quot;. As someone who used to be super shy and introverted I do quite well now in small groups of people whom I have things in common with, which helps develop friendships since you have some common grounds. I started a meetup group because I didn't meet like minded people and now many of the members of my group are also my friends. I bet there are meetup groups you can join in your area. I would say just be yourself and don't be afraid of people's reaction. Everyone gravitates towards people who are positive and smiling. You could say something like &quot;want to check out that new movie since you said you like comedies? I heard it's really good&quot; or I heard you like this type a food, I heard there is a good restaurant near me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of us take longer than others to get comfortable in a group but once you find one or more people you can relate to or feel comfortable talking to it makes it easier to fit into a group conversation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T13:56:13.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6243" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6246" CreationDate="2017-11-03T14:14:03.823" Score="1" ViewCount="676" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently started working in a company and over the last two months I've been developing feelings for one colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might be experiencing this since it's my first job, very new and exciting thing for me and as he is very helpful and friendly I might be thinking I'm bonding with him.&#xA;I say this, because considering he has never shown anything even close to a romantic interest and I know almost nothing about his personal life. It's very unusual for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not even bored, since I'm studying, working and practising sports. So I'm really confused as to how to get him out of my head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I stop thinking about him? Is there a way to find out whether he's interested? Should I even do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8304" LastEditorUserId="8304" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T14:18:14.733" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T14:37:36.790" Title="How to subtly find out whether a colleague of mine is interested in me?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-03T14:48:23.417" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6243" CreationDate="2017-11-03T14:28:21.897" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;That is a tricky situation and might make things more awkward for you at work. I actually met my ex boyfriend at our job and when he was in a bad mood it made my work days long and hard because we kept our relationship a secret and he would ignore me at work for days. (luckily he no longer works here so I dont have to deal with seeing my ex every day). There is no subtle way of finding out if he likes you that way or not but my suggestion is not to get mixed up with someone you currently work with because it may affect your job status or performance. You also need to know if he's single so you are not stepping on anyone's toes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T14:28:21.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6245" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6247" CreationDate="2017-11-03T14:36:55.247" Score="29" ViewCount="6486" Body="&lt;p&gt;Earlier this week, my research group (~6 students) was having a catered, buffet-style dinner with our faculty leader, who I'm close with (we'll call him Professor Bob), and a professor from a nearby college (Professor Alice), who is a well-known in the field of research. The latter professor had just given a talk at our college, and this was a combination of a question-and-answer session and a social event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were having dinner in a seminar room, at a rectangular table. I was the second student to arrive, and I put my coat on a chair on one side of the table, opposite another student. As I was going to get food, Professor Alice sat down in the chair next to mine. Other people filtered in, and eventually Professor Bob sat on the &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; side of me. The final arrangement had the three of us on one side, and three students on the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was a little awkward for me. Partly, this was because Alice and Bob did most of the talking for the first half of the dinner (with students joining in for the second half), and so I was directly in between. Additionally, I felt singled out from my peers. I'm planning to do a project with both professors next semester, so I do want to get to know Professor Alice, but this was a bit awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wanted to switch seats; there was an open one on the side I could have taken. However, I thought that would be a combination of impolite and awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way I could have changed my seat without offending anyone involved? What could I have said to get out of the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T14:41:13.063" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T18:11:38.230" Title="How can I get out of sitting between two professors?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6243" CreationDate="2017-11-03T14:37:36.790" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Mixing personal and professional life brings lots of potential problems with it. What if you try and find out how he feels about you and he doesn't respond the way you like? Will you be able to maintain a professional relationship with him? Will he?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try and imagine how it might look from &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/16862/how-can-i-stop-a-flirting-co-worker-without-damaging-our-professional-relationsh&quot;&gt;his perspective&lt;/a&gt;. Trying to figure out they feelings is sure to be noticed, which in turn can result in awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that in this case, the risks definitely outweigh the possible rewards. Not only short-term (in the case of an immediate rejection) but also long-term. What would happen if either of you &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/3791/how-can-you-handle-an-office-romance-that-has-ended&quot;&gt;breaks up with the other.&lt;/a&gt; You would still work with eachother, you would still be forced to see eachother. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not even taking into account what the company might think of this. Do they have any rules on relationships between employees? For the reasons above they might very well have. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, you have to decide for yourself if these risks are worth the adventure, and then answer for yourself whether you should find out if he likes you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/11373/how-to-handle-awkward-relationship-romance-in-a-team&quot;&gt;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/11373/how-to-handle-awkward-relationship-romance-in-a-team&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/55541/how-can-i-handle-a-co-worker-who-is-infatuated-with-me-but-denies-it&quot;&gt;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/55541/how-can-i-handle-a-co-worker-who-is-infatuated-with-me-but-denies-it&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/9218/how-to-dismiss-allegations-of-relationships&quot;&gt;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/9218/how-to-dismiss-allegations-of-relationships&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T14:37:36.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6245" CreationDate="2017-11-03T14:51:04.890" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;To not offend anyone, tell them that you are changing seats for their benefit. Before they started to talk or once they paused, say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you don't mind, I will sit down over there, so that you can talk with each other directly (or eye to eye) without me in between.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you don't mind, I will sit down over there, so we all sit face to face to you for the discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;smile friendly&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not asking them, so they need not reply. And you give a practical reason for doing so, making it clear that it's for their (or even everyone's) best interest. It's also polite, since it's sensible in each case. I'm sure the professors will be understanding of your action. After all, you avoid an awkward situation for them also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;You will probably find an even better way of phrasing. This is just a suggestion of what information to convey.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Thanks to Jarko Dubbeldam for the suggestion &lt;em&gt;&quot;Maybe changing it to &quot;I'm going to sit down over there&quot; would be even better. It's a bit less curt and to the point that way&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T15:03:37.950" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T15:03:37.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6214" CreationDate="2017-11-03T14:51:08.257" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on your answer to my comment, you could just tell your friend very politely something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I was looking forward to just chilling with you after finishing {task 1}&#xA;  and I'd really rather do that and come back another time for {task&#xA;  2}. I'm sure {task 2} won't take long but I just didn't want to do it now. However, is there anything else I could help you with (if you feel like offering more help in the future)? I could do both {task 2} and {task 3}, next time I see you, I promise. I just like to know ahead of time what you need help with (and smile). I was hoping we have a chat after finishing {task 1}. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is basically you repeating the same thing different ways and if she keeps arguing about {task 2} not taking long, you will insist back until she either respects your wish or you leave without hanging out with her this time around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I don't know the type of relationship you have with that friend-how open/honest you can be with her) &lt;strong&gt;BUT because you wrote that you intended to improve the relationship&lt;/strong&gt;, I'd just compromise this one time especially if this was the first time I was doing something for a friend (I like and want to improve the relationship with). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do in addition so that she doesn't take your help for granted, though, is to make sure she knows that from now on if she needs help that she should tell me in advance what exactly it is that she needs just because I feel better this way (Make it about you). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T14:51:08.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6245" CreationDate="2017-11-03T14:57:30.370" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Is there a way I could have changed my seat without offending anyone involved?&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think, since it was a buffet style dinner, that it would have been perfectly fine to go get some more food, a dessert or a second helping and switch your seat afterward. I've seen it happening on multiple work-related dinners, and have always considered a good form of networking. Some things to consider though:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't fill up your plate too much from the start, you might get some weird looks if you do. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Once you've switched seats, make sure to start a conversation with the person you're switching too. You might even try to start the conversation in between passing by them and going to sit down by saying &quot;hello, how are you&quot; or something like that. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't stand up to get food and switch seats if you were already in the middle of a conversation with somebody. That's a weird way to end a conversation, and could leave the other person wondering if they said something wrong. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As AnneDaunted pointed out, don't take your coat with you. It's perfectly fine to leave it hanging on the chair, you can collect it once the dinner is over, or offer to remove it from the chair if you see another person wants to take the seat. It also gives the suggestion of your move being a temporary thing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I for one wouldn't be offended if I see you join in another conversation and sit down somewhere else since you have a plate full of food you want to eat and a conversation you seem to like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What could I have said to get out of the situation?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really think your best bet here would be non-verbal language. If you don't want to go and get more food, you can try to lean in, so both professors can see you're trying your best to follow the conversation the students are having. Then, after a while, silently stand up and move. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could apologize to your professors by saying something light-hearted and a little self-deprecating like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but what you're talking about now will take a few more years of study for me to understand... I'll go sit in the kids' section.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I say don't mention it until asked/confronted/getting weird looks. If this was a dinner meant as a social event, it is perfectly fine at a social event to want to talk to other people and to mingle around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T15:01:32.173" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T15:01:32.173" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6214" CreationDate="2017-11-03T15:01:26.877" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a couple of options, in addition to the other answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, decide if you can just grit your teeth and do it anyway. If you went to improve the relationship, and time isn't a factor, why not improve it more?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really don't want to, soften the blow and try and provide help in other ways: &#xA;&quot;I can't right now, but I will send you a link to a guide when I get home, so you can still do it&quot; or &quot;I'm sorry but I have other plans, I can call you later to walk you through it/give you a technical support number?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if it could be considered part of the same task (When you are asked to install software they are asking you to get them to a state where they can use the software, not to just install it) then if you have any time at all, just do it - especially if they are not capable themselves, or you are leaving a task half finished and a friend who still can't use the software as they want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were to ask a mechanic friend to &quot;Can you see what's wrong with my car?&quot; and they had a look and said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, the doodads broken&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Can you fix it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Yes, its easy but it'll take 30 mins, I'm not doing anything, but I just don't want to&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They fulfilled your request, for free, to your benefit, but how would you feel?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, a point to consider is that they may have no other options: I've worked with people (especially elderly people) who would save up many requests, because they did not often meet anyone who could help them, and if I didn't, they would potentially not be able to use their computer for months after. See if this applies to your situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3815" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T15:01:26.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6217" CreationDate="2017-11-03T15:49:58.050" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, you should absolutely be friendly and engaging (without being creepy - the other answers give good advice on this) with your coworkers. You're right that a friendly environment makes for a better workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But don't expect too much&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say your colleagues are &quot;much older&quot; so I'll assume they have homes and families. Why is that important? Their primary social focus is outside the office. In your 20's &quot;life&quot; is very often at the office. As you age, &quot;life&quot; moves home to your spouse, kids, hobbies, etc. So these aren't people who are looking for friendships at the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's assume they're &lt;em&gt;open&lt;/em&gt; to new friendships at the office. Frankly, you're not a good candidate. You don't share duties, or life experiences, or really much on which to base a new friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that, you're temporary. As an intern, they've probably seen at least half a dozen of you come and go. If you stick around with a permanent position, then expect them to be more open to friendship. But as it stands, the best you can really hope for is warm acquaintanceship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3967" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T15:49:58.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6253" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6217" CreationDate="2017-11-03T16:27:14.393" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What worked for me (because your experience may be different) was to ask questions about the job. Offer to take them to lunch if fiscally possible on your end. &#xA;Always greet people when you walk by and if you notice that you see the same person a lot, like when you get coffee or something just ask them how they're doing.&#xA;It also just takes time sometimes. They've probably seen a number of interns in their careers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8314" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T16:27:14.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6254" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6257" CreationDate="2017-11-03T17:00:15.473" Score="16" ViewCount="5713" Body="&lt;p&gt;My manager left the company 3 years ago. I have been on good terms with him. I kept in touch with him for a few months after he left. Then other things became a priority, and I unintentionally neglected to remain in contact with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I am looking for a job change, and one of the options I am looking for is an opportunity to work with him again. I am fairly certain he would be happy to have me in his team (or at least, he &quot;wouldn't mind&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I just call him and say, &quot;I am looking for a job change. Would you consider me in your team?&quot;, it would sound rather selfish, and I am not comfortable doing this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I resume contact with him with this goal in mind, with minimum awkwardness? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="141" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T11:40:19.407" Title="How to resume contact with a former manager who I haven't talked to for 3 years?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6254" CreationDate="2017-11-03T17:24:05.763" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I resume contact with him with this goal in mind, with minimum&#xA;  awkwardness?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best thing you can do is &lt;strong&gt;send him an email asking how he is doing&lt;/strong&gt;.  If you're close enough &lt;strong&gt;maybe even a phone call&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;this would be a stronger approach versus an email&lt;/em&gt;.  Once you are comfortable that the relationship is intact, then you could ask them to be a reference for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking if they will be a reference, if they are still comfortable with you, &lt;strong&gt;they may offer up any opening they have influence over on their own&lt;/strong&gt;, and you may not have to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have successfully reconnected, and they don't offer, then ask them about potential opportunities within their organization.  By doing this in a general indirect manner, you're allowing your contact to decide whether or not they want to work with you again.  Basically, you are attempting to elicit either &quot;&lt;em&gt;Hey I have an opening&lt;/em&gt;&quot; or &quot;&lt;em&gt;I know someone who does&lt;/em&gt;&quot; type of response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T19:38:32.783" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T19:38:32.783" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6254" CreationDate="2017-11-03T17:34:17.933" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's nothing wrong with getting back in touch because you're looking for work. In fact, I'd recommend against random &quot;hey how are you it's been a while&quot; contact that slowly morphs to &quot;oh yeah btw I'm looking for a job.&quot; It's dishonest and it doesn't fool anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, straight up &quot;can I come work for you?&quot; is very direct and may leave the old manager feeling pressured or unable to decline, resulting in potential embarrassments to you both like an interview you could never succeed in. Instead, be clear that you are looking for work and asking for help, but don't ask your manager to hire you. If the manager happens to be hiring, or to be in a position to open up a space for you, you don't need to suggest such a thing - a good manager can think of that themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably email something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [name], hope this finds you well. A lot has been going on for me these past few years, and I'm looking for a job change, so I'm reaching out to people I've enjoyed working with in the past. If you know of something available that would suit me, I'd really appreciate any introductions or information you can provide. Since we last worked together I've [learned C++, shipped 3 commercial products, been promoted to senior DBA, taken on more project management, whatever] and I'm looking for a role where I can [continue to learn and grown, lead a team, get into Internet of Things work, speak at conferences several times a year] and [some other thing you want.] Are you aware of anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key points about this email are that it lets your manager know how you've grown since your last communication, and describes the position you want. Don't make your manager do all the work of figuring out what would be good for you. In addition to avoiding the pressure of directly asking for a role with the manager, this approach also means that the manager can tell you about &quot;a great opportunity with a friend of mine&quot; without it being some sort of consolation prize to make up for not having a job to offer you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the response you get you could elaborate that &quot;I really enjoyed working for you and it would be really cool if there was an opening at your firm&quot; but I wouldn't include that in the first email. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T17:34:17.933" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6254" CreationDate="2017-11-03T17:37:02.050" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best way to raise this with your old boss is to send him an email or call to check in, mention you're looking for a new job, and suggest meeting up for coffee or lunch to catch up if he has any openings. If he takes you up on it, then you go, catch up, and have a nice time (also, definitely offer to treat your boss, since you're asking for a favor). A politely worded email would work too, but face-to-face contact makes it easier to re-establish a rapport, especially if it's been a while. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, if you got along well before, I think it's just a matter of re-establishing communication. Most people I know would be happy to help out an old colleague that they got along well with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7976" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T17:37:02.050" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6260" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6283" CreationDate="2017-11-03T18:12:08.437" Score="9" ViewCount="3585" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;This question carries the India tag but is really about how to deal with some people's reluctance to enter into relationships, so I welcome answers from members all over the world!&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is about the close friend I described in a question here on IPS.SE 2 months back:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1819/is-it-possible-for-my-friend-to-resume-communication-with-his-unofficial-siste&quot;&gt;Is it possible for my friend to resume communication with his unofficial sister without earning her husband&amp;#39;s mistrust?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's call him by the code name Robert. We are long-term school friends and went to the same 'boys junior school' in older days. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Robert is one of my very few really close friends and is nearly 40 but unmarried. Through some unintended events I came to know that he is intensely attracted to women (more physically than emotionally) but lacks the confidence to engage them in any sort of relationship, and he is also very mistrustful of the famous Indian institution of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arranged_marriage_in_the_Indian_subcontinent&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;arranged marriage&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; which he considers an 'emotional lottery' and a potentially  loveless, business-minded social transaction that has significant risk of relationship failure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His mother (not my real aunt but code name Aunty) is my mother's best friend and she is very worried that Robert will end up a lifelong bachelor unless he takes a chance with arranged marriage.  She feels he will soon be 'too old to marry anyone except a divorcee', and is also anxious that the 'wrong type of unsuitable girl' should not take advantage of the 'socially and financially well-endowed bachelor.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That really means Aunty wants Robert to marry precisely the type of socially acceptable girl Indians try so hard to find by setting a large number of inclusion and exclusion criteria in arranged marriage. His as-yet-unidentified prospective bride is likely to be an 'upper-caste middle-class well-educated Indian girl of medium height, aged between 34 and 38' by current standards of Indian matrimony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not inclined to intervene in anybody's personal matters but Aunty repeatedly requested me to try and convince him and even got my mother to request it: so in a weak moment I agreed to make a sincere effort. &lt;strong&gt;My goal is to give Robert the understanding that he could actually give arranged marriage a chance and make a good effort to succeed in the relationship. He is a type to be rather convinced by well-reasoned logical arguments.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Outline of my proposed argument&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Robert loses nothing by giving himself the chance to get into this type of relationship which he is otherwise unlikely to find by romantic means. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Since arranged marriage is an ancient and socially accepted Indian tradition, and moreover entirely voluntary in modern society, the 'girl' will also come to the relationship with a committment to make it succeed. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If things don't work out, divorce is now socially acceptable in India. Many of my relatives have taken the divorce option after a few years of arranged (or even love) marriage due to irreconcilable differences or even simply for lack of general compatibility, and many went on to make another good marriage!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That would have been unimaginable in India even 30 years ago and it makes arranged marriage much more viable for Robert as a 'trial and error' option. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;: Although I am supposed to 'advise and convince' my friend about the virtues of arranged marriage,  I am 2 years younger than Robert (juniors' advice is less influential in India) and unmarried myself, hence no authority on 'the marital life'; I am also absolutely not an expert on interpersonal or romantic relationships and fear that I shall not be in any way useful to Aunty in this matter. I am not even convinced about the advantages of arranged marriage myself, because all 4 of my real aunts have had to various degrees love-impaired arranged marriages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, Aunty knows nobody else that is a close friend with significant influence, and Robert is an intensely private person who would never ask this question himself online --  that's why I need the advice of the relationship gurus here on Interpersonal.SE!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T22:35:20.973" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T10:07:38.173" Title="How can I convince my close friend that he should listen to his mother and take a chance with arranged marriage?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6261" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-03T18:55:20.023" Score="8" ViewCount="684" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am on the Autism Spectrum, and have difficulty in interpreting people's reactions. An unintended side effect is that the trademark literalism makes me come across as a bit of a smart-a$$ when I don't intend to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is exacerbated by the fact that learned to actually hide behind the autistic literalism, because it's better to be thought of as a jerk than a freak (I even picked my online handle based on that). While this helped me growing up to avoid bullying, as I am now decades older, it causes a bit of trouble.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, now that people are far more aware of ASD, I feel more comfortable bringing it up and addressing the issue head on so...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I explain to people that I am not intentionally being rude?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note:  I understand that when I am, I need to apologize, not excuse it, but I also want to use it as a teaching moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T19:01:09.393" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T13:15:39.843" Title="How do I explain my social difficulties as not deliberate attempts to annoy people" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6261" CreationDate="2017-11-03T19:12:57.867" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;When this sort of thing comes up for me, I usually just acknowledge it and move on with a short:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, sorry I misread that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if I deal with the person more often and think that disclosing may be helpful:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, sorry I misread that. Sometimes I take things too literally or misread social cues because I'm a touch autistic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually people seem to understand that, so a more detailed explanation isn't really necessary. When someone doesn't seem to understand, I sometimes get into the more specific details of theory of mind and how I'm personally affected by it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more detailed explanation, for me personally, usually looks something like this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know I can come across as a little rude or disinterested at times. What you're probably seeing is what I call &quot;autistic burnout&quot; For me, being autistic means that I have to consciously process a lot of the social cues that &quot;normal people&quot; handle naturally. This means that my brain is usually trying to consciously multitask on responding appropriately to nonverbal cues and the actual topic at hand, which can get a little exhausting at times. I'm usually pretty good at it, but please be patient with me when I burn out. I usually don't mean any offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately it seems like most people know someone on the spectrum, or at least about it, so I don't often need to get into the detailed explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-11-03T19:34:32.393" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T19:34:32.393" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6264" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6164" CreationDate="2017-11-03T21:40:09.220" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I mention that she gets sad again, because I &quot;Don't trust her&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This reads like a very defensive response that translates into that she does not trust you. Exactly why is just speculations from my side, but it could be that you appear judgemental to her in some circumstances, that she is afraid of your reaction, that she does not herself have an awareness of exactly why she is depressed and does not want to engage in a &quot;loosing battle&quot; trying to explain why, shame, or a myriad other possibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what can you do with regards to that? Simple and hard: earn her trust. As pointed out in other answers, addressing this is best done when she is not depressed. And you need to avoid a &quot;you don't trust me&quot; focus that might trigger defensive behaviour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put focus on your perspective and tell her what you would like to achieve (&quot;I would like for us to improve our level of openness and honesty with each other&quot;) and perhaps ask &quot;what can I do that will increase your trust in me?&quot; (following up &quot;why would that help?&quot;). Take a trip to the library and find some books about how to increase trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1797" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T21:40:09.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5860" CreationDate="2017-11-03T23:08:21.650" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Dude. first of allI feel you. Second of all, the fact you took the time to write this shows the relationship may not be the healthiest regardless of the details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's one thing that matters outside of actually caring for the person: trust. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't sound like there is trust in the relationship. Relationships without trust end painfully - more painfully as time goes on. It blows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could be wrong. But it sounds like you need to get right with yourself. My humble advice: Get to the point where you are secure, totally and completely. Most importantly, understand that letting things outside of your control, things exactly like this, will drive you mad. Once youre to this point, then youre ready for a relationship where you can be happy, like all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel for you! Keep your head up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8322" LastActivityDate="2017-11-03T23:08:21.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6266" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-03T23:11:30.550" Score="9" ViewCount="1114" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was raised Roman Catholic, however I don't really follow any organized religion. I have my own beliefs regarding Deity, but don't attend a recognized (or unrecognized for that matter) religious institution. My wife was raised in a different religion, but is now largely agnostic. (Universalist Unitarian might be a close match as well).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My older son (Who is 3) has recently started attending a preschool type activity class put in by our local city recreation center, and evidently has heard from other kids about church. He asked me what church was all about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I gave him a basic description, but he is inquisitive enough that there are going to be more questions coming. I have talked about it with my wife before, and she is not really for the kids being part of any organized religion, and hasn't expressed any interest in educating the kids either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to at least educate them and give them enough experience that when they are old enough to make their own choices, they have an idea of what the various ideologies are (At least the &quot;major&quot; players). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convince my wife that educating them in base theology is a good idea?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T00:13:32.053" Title="How to talk to my wife regarding educating children about religion?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6266" CreationDate="2017-11-03T23:49:43.387" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The question of how to educate children about religion is complicated, because it isn't just a question of the religious affiliation of the parents, but also their views on parenting ethics and religious ethics. A strongly religious parent who believes religion should not be proselytized at all may disagree with a mildly religious person who is totally okay with proselytism (note that I am just using these as examples and don't mean to imply you fall into any particular category here). Furthermore, the opinion of the person on what role parents should play in forming their children's beliefs in general is very relevant. Some people think parents have a duty to educate their children about what they consider correct morals, and in some cases, religious beliefs. Others fall more along the lines of believing that parents should merely &quot;guide&quot; their children but avoid telling them what to believe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mention this because when you have this conversation with your wife, you need to be sensitive to the fact that all of these factors will play a role in how she feels about educating your children about religion. Try to understand what her opinions are and why she holds them; her reasons may or may not be what you think. Be open to hearing her concerns out and taking them seriously, and in exchange, you should be able to expect your concerns to be taken seriously too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important that you also identify specifically what your own beliefs on these questions are (i.e. your religious beliefs, your ethical beliefs, and your beliefs about your role as a parent), and why you have them, because you will need to be able to tell your wife what you consider important and why. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might go without saying, but you should approach this issue as a dialogue, not a demand or request. You and your wife are a team who must figure out how to best raise your children together, and approaching it this way is less likely to put her on the defensive and make her feel like you don't value her perspectives and beliefs (again, not just her religious beliefs, but her ethical and parental ideals).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is a great idea to tell her why you think a basic knowledge of the theological landscape would be valuable to your children. In my own experience, people who are wary of aligning their children to a specific religion are often more okay with providing a broader education about different beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps a good way to summarize my advice is to consider asking yourself if your roles were reversed in some way (perhaps your wife wanted to distance the children from religion more than they are now), how would you want to be approached about this? How would you want your concerns and beliefs to be taken into account on her end?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8012" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-04T00:13:32.053" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T00:13:32.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6272" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-04T03:53:16.540" Score="0" ViewCount="165" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the time I face an interview. A common question is there &lt;strong&gt;Why do you want this job.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I be telling them that &lt;strong&gt;I don't have a choice as there are no other job options&lt;/strong&gt; or something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8336" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T15:21:26.213" Title="Why do you want this job?" Tags="&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-11-04T07:12:17.797" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-04T04:28:00.587" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like most other answers here, I recommend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's what I use in these situations, and its what I've heard from every person I've witnessed in this situation.  It's simply the way that social contract works.  No since reinventing the wheel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You indicate that you feel it is superfluous because you feel the implicit signalling (walking away) is enough.  Consider that the &quot;It's all yours&quot; isn't just a response intended for you.  It's intended for anyone who happens to be behind them.  They're generating a signal that anybody can interpret correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're also using a signal that works in all cases.  In a comment, you mention that they wouldn't need the coffee machine after going for milk and sugar or some other distraction, but consider this signal is also used in many situations where it would be much less clear.  Consider being at a gym, where someone is using a machine you want to use.  A clear definitive method of saying &quot;it's all yours&quot; is helpful for distinguishing the difference between being done with the machine and merely standing up for a moment or getting some water.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's far easier to have one cultural interaction (&quot;It's all yours.&quot; / &quot;Thanks&quot;) which works for all people in all situations than it is to try to custom tailor that interaction based on how perceptive you believe the other person is, or how difficult you believe it is to distinguish whether you are done or not.  &quot;It's all yours&quot; / &quot;Thanks&quot; takes a small enough amount of energy that custom tailoring it to each situation just isn't worth it for the vast majority of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The universal answer to this is &quot;thanks.&quot;  I &lt;em&gt;highly&lt;/em&gt; recommend just using it, unless you have a reason not to.  I do know of people who won't thank anyone unless they really mean it; in such a case you may need to come up with another small gesture.  But if you don't mind saying &quot;thanks,&quot; that's the right way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T04:28:00.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6272" CreationDate="2017-11-04T05:09:03.867" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the thing...  There's a bit of a conundrum here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lying is unseemly, certainly.  On the other hand, I as a hiring manager would take a really dim view on an answer such as &quot;I don't have a choice as there are no other job options&quot;.  It gives the impression that my company is your &lt;em&gt;very last choice&lt;/em&gt;, and makes me want to hire someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recommendation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make the best of it.&lt;/strong&gt;  Do some research on the company and the position.  Surely there's &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; positive you can say about them.  Find it, and focus on that.  Maybe you like their product.  Maybe you like their corporate culture (they always brag about it on their website).  In short, find something nice worth saying!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR --  research until you do find something good you can honestly say about joining the company&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="6468" LastEditDate="2017-11-04T15:21:26.213" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T15:21:26.213" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6275" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-04T07:18:16.840" Score="5" ViewCount="399" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a grown up man finished masters about to get married. My parents never went to school. I love them very much. They have given me and my sister enough care and love in upbringing us. As a person my father is chill type. He has some core level issues with his in-laws. They don't respect him much. Whenever he faces an insult from them at any family functions, he will drink heavily on the way home and discharges all the frustration on the soft-target: my mother. She doesn't like it for obvious reasons and in addition she backs her brothers all the time. I or my sister usually bring the situation to a standstill without any long term solutions fearing any extremes and considering my parents' raw emotions. And also mother has been prohibited from visiting her brothers by who-else, but she demands it. What could possibly be a long term solution for this situation?? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8342" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T13:50:09.910" Title="Parents and their kids in turmoil over third party issues" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-11-05T05:31:35.913" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6276" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-04T08:25:46.910" Score="14" ViewCount="2241" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a 7 month old daughter, and there are instances that a relative or a friend will ask to borrow our baby or carry our baby for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are times that I would like to refuse because of the following reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If I saw that he/she or anyone close to the borrower (like their kids, that will most likely or will attemp to touch or kiss our baby) that is having cough or colds or any disease that can easily be transferred to our daughter. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he/she would like to bring our daughter outside our house which we may not be able to look after properly. I dont want to look rude tailing them cause they might have the impression that I'm being too suspicious or I don't trust them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Any other reasons that I just want to refuse for the safety of my daughter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some edits:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So not to confuse the readers that it should be in Parenting SE:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My actual concern here is not to make my kid safe but how do I respond to the &lt;em&gt;borrower&lt;/em&gt; politely without giving them the impression I'm acting rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3524" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-04T23:55:59.247" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T01:15:33.707" Title="How to refuse someone who would like to borrow our baby?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;parenting&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6277" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-04T08:55:49.193" Score="7" ViewCount="619" Body="&lt;p&gt;My cousin has mild autism (not Asperger's Syndrome). He's 22 and never manages to get past his probation period in the jobs he's had. He is a hard worker and a warm person, but he is pretty dim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It dawned on my yesterday that he has an &lt;em&gt;awful&lt;/em&gt; haircut - the first words I thought of to describe it were &quot;damp Bond villain&quot;. I am wondering if he would benefit from a sharper haircut. One that will he help him create and maintain a better impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I take an interest in my appearance, so I am quite confident that I can help him find a great haircut that he will like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family can be very protective of him, so I do not want to bring it up with anybody until I know how to phrase it gently, which is why I'm asking you guys for advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do I do? What do I say? Do I speak directly to my cousin, or discuss it with other family members first? Do I dance around the issue, or outright state that I think he has an awful haircut?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8345" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T15:58:58.017" Title="How do I tell my cousin that he has a bad haircut?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6276" CreationDate="2017-11-04T09:08:40.563" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;For some reason, people saying &quot;no&quot; always seem to think that they need a reason.  Hint: &lt;em&gt;You don't&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks for offering; I'm fine.&quot;  &quot;I appreciate your offer but not right now.&quot;  Or, for someone really irresponsible: &quot;I'm afraid that's not possible&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're worried about colds: expose the kid to colds.  Their immune system needs the work. Seriously - read up on the Hygiene Hypothesis.  Colds, although an irritant, are harmless.  Now, if you're talking about infectious diseases, that's a whole different issue.  If your child is immunocompromised (which I don't read here) then please ignore this with my apologies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I'd like to suggest that new parents are overly worried about their children - I know we were.  If you're legitimately worried about the safety of your daughter (person offering is irresponsible, they want to do something dangerous, etc) then your concern is valid.  If you're worried that they might drop the kid, then show them how to hold the kid.  Allow people to hold the baby - it will help your friends/relatives to share in the joy of your parenthood.  Being overprotective, IMHO, sets the kids up for a lifetime of dependency and that is definitely not a healthy thing for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enjoy parenthood!  It's a wonderful ride and you'll learn things you never thought possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T09:08:40.563" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6275" CreationDate="2017-11-04T10:12:00.417" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am a grown up man finished masters about to get married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thought : your priority now should be maintaining and building your own relationship with your intended.  Baring major emergencies where other people need you, that's how it should be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My parents never went to school. I love them very much. They have given me and my sister enough care and love in upbringing us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Enough&quot; is relative, but you seem OK about this so no issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As a person my father is chill type. He has some core level issues with his in-laws. They don't respect him much. Whenever he faces an insult from them at any family functions, he will drink heavily on the way home and discharges all the frustration on the soft-target: my mother. She doesn't like it for obvious reasons and in addition she backs her brothers all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; relationship, not so much yours.  I am sure it has affected you both, but you almost certainly cannot change or fix these things now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I or my sister usually bring the situation to a standstill without any long term solutions fearing any extremes and considering my parents' raw emotions. And also mother has been prohibited from visiting her brothers by who-else, but she demands it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds nasty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What could possibly be a long term solution for this situation?? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and your intended get married.  Hopefully you have a family of your own.  You raise them to be decent people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents and &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; relationships are something you should not try and fix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have a long history and you will almost certainly not understand or know the whole story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long term at most you should perhaps :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;try and discourage you father from drinking (sounds like a problem).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;support &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of them emotionally and without favoring one or the other&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;simply try to act as a peace maker&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;but not at the expense of your own relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; drag your parent's difficulties into your relationship.  Don't say to your future spouse &quot;do something to help me fix this&quot;, because you will put them into the position of being involved in things that have a complex history they are not aware of.  Maybe they will pick sides - people do : avoid this potential problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your cultural background is not specified, but I think this advice is good for any culture.  I'm aware that in some cultures extended families have more significance than in other cultures, but you are now embarking on &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; life with &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; spouse-to-be and you need to break with the past, not be sucked in by it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T10:12:00.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6277" CreationDate="2017-11-04T10:31:17.030" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It dawned on my yesterday that he has an awful haircut &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; opinion.  Your cousin is entitled to think differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say nothing of that sort.  At most (!) next time he mentions getting a haircut make an off-hand &quot;Hey dude, maybe you fancy one of these ?&quot; and point at your own hair (which, incidentally, other people may not find as attractive as you do !).  But don't force this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My cousin has mild autism (not Asperger's Syndrome). He's 22 and never manages to get past his probation period in the jobs he's had. He is a hard worker and a warm person, but he is pretty dim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of this is solved by a haircut that meets your approval.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to help your cousin (and I assume you do) then support them emotionally.  Provide encouragement, warmth, respect.  Show him you enjoy his company and be patient with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T10:31:17.030" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6277" CreationDate="2017-11-04T10:49:53.437" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say you need a haircut, ask him to come with you and go to (a movie, lunch, a ball game) afterward.  When he is in the shop, say he could use a trim, and ask him if he wants the barber to give him a quick trim. (You've spoken to the barber beforehand, you trust him to do a good job and to only &lt;strong&gt;modify&lt;/strong&gt; the haircut, but not completely redo it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit in response to a comment:&lt;/em&gt;  Keep it as a casual suggestion, don't push if the cousin says &quot;No&quot;. (I am a big fan of taking &quot;No&quot; for an answer.)  If it works, it works, if it doesn't work, regard it as a first step in a longer effort, also low-key.  Avoid nagging or being perceived as nagging. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If you aren't a good enough actor to make this seem natural, and not a plot, don't do it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-11-04T15:58:58.017" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T15:58:58.017" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6260" CreationDate="2017-11-04T12:47:12.180" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will give it a shot, but only from an outsider's perspective. I have some experience with talking to someone on behalf of others, but I don't know much about Indian culture and so take it with a grain of salt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this answer, I will try to give &lt;em&gt;&quot;guidance on the ideal interpersonal approach that will convince Robert to consider favorably my argument&quot;&lt;/em&gt; as you expressed in a comment. Basically, I try to imagine I was in your shoes and how would I approach the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be honest&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Points to consider&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are probably not known as a zealous marriage broker (my guess)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are younger (&lt;em&gt;&quot;juniors' advice is less influential in India&quot;&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You aren't married yourself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I doubt that Robert wouldnt know immediately, that you are doing that on someone else's behalf. Therefore, be open about it and say that Aunty asked you to. I would note her honest and good intentions for making yo do that, so that he's more willing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;A more light-hearted approach may also be successful to break the ice and provide a good start for a discussion. I don't know how suitable it is in this case, so I just mention it.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may also alleviate his reluctance to listen to you due to your lower age, since Aunty backs you up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't pressure him&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your first try should not be to discuss the matter with him, but to make him talk to you about it at all. Don't try to force him intom a talk he doesn't want to have. Give him the options if, when and where. This will further build trust and if he agrees, he is probably even more willing to listen to your arguments. If not, this already counts as an honest try, so you fulfilled Aunty's wish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't lecture him&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would approach it as more of a talk between equals, not a lecture by a teacher who has to make a reluctant pupil listen. If you both talk about it, your lives, life choices and the options that are there, it may well also benefit you. In addition, you avoid much of the awkwardness created by your marital status. You can bring forth arguments for or against it, also your own motivations regarding these choices. This will probably also help him open up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to mention it again, I'm definitely lacking experience with Indian culture (and arranged marriages), so rather treat my answer as some points to consider and think about, not necessarily as the best solution/approach to your problem.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T12:47:12.180" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6276" CreationDate="2017-11-04T13:14:31.280" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make up some indirect reason on the spur of the moment and politely refuse. When it happens a few times people will understand.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: &#xA;If she's playing and someone wants to pick her up, you can say that she was very upset a while back when you yourself wanted to pick her in your arms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: Just pick her up and go away to another room, say that you two need some private time for some reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These might make you look anti social or over protective but it's your baby, do whatever you feel is best. But be consistent in your &quot;tripartite&quot; dealings so that some don't feel they were discriminated against!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5069" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T13:14:31.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6275" CreationDate="2017-11-04T13:50:09.910" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Minimize group interactions of your parents with your mother's side relatives.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm assuming you're from India but this may apply nevertheless.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a complex issue and I don't see a complete &quot;solution&quot;. However, the way you have presented the problem, it seems to be triggered by your father's interactions with his in-laws. If among the 4 of you, generally, things are peaceful, then those external interactions have to be reduced. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If those events to be attended can be skipped by your father and either you or your sister could also stay back to give company to father, while the other one accompanies your mother, there will be lesser chances for unhealthy interactions. Similarly, your mom could stay away from some interactions with trouble making relatives if it's more important for your father to attend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's found that an explanation is needed for your father's absence, an excuse can be made, e.g. &quot;dad had a fever and sister is looking after him&quot; or &quot;dad would be late from work and brother has some work at home&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a grown up man and a responsible son, you have to use your clout to convince your parents for this kind of an arrangement which sounds awkward but is really workable. And much more feasible than considering separation. I am sure that if you feel enough ownership to post this question, you will be able to convince them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to vigorously paint &quot;others&quot; as responsible for non-peace in your family and try to be neutral or equally critical for in-laws of both parents. That will help in stopping a blame game back home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Letting individuals meet and interact with anyone but not forcing anyone to attend any family event&quot; can be your maxim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5069" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T13:50:09.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6286" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6294" CreationDate="2017-11-04T16:27:33.897" Score="1" ViewCount="175" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had it ingrained in me to avoid saying &quot;what?&quot; when I didn't hear what someone said, and instead ask &quot;pardon?&quot; to avoid sounding rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if I only need partial clarification of what was said though, and I don't want to force the speaker to completely reiterate what they said just to fill in the part I missed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How is the ****** coming along?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could say &quot;pardon?&quot;, and force them to completely re-say the sentence again just so I can hear the one part again, or I could say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How is the &quot;what&quot; coming along?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which most people understand as me asking for them to fill in the &quot;what&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this considered rude though? I try to avoid use of &quot;what&quot; in situations like this, but I can't think of another obvious choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How is the &quot;pardon&quot; coming along?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just sounds odd, and is arguably ambiguous, since a &quot;pardon&quot; is an actual thing, unlike &quot;what&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is &quot;what&quot; acceptable to use here? If not, is there a more accepted alternative?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8355" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T18:25:55.720" Title="Use of &quot;what&quot; when asking for partial clarification of what was said" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6287" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6307" CreationDate="2017-11-04T16:51:01.947" Score="10" ViewCount="12664" Body="&lt;p&gt;How can I answer  tactfully but sincerely latecomers' apologies for being (very) late? I refuse, and it appears insincere, to answer with phrases that forgive them  (e.g. It's nothing/all right. Don't worry about it.), when their lateness are not pardonable, disrupts scheduling, and mentally distresses? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other possibility is not to reply, but silence appears to me awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T15:03:36.650" Title="How to reply genuinely (but politely) to apologies for lateness?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-11-05T13:19:53.347" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6286" CreationDate="2017-11-04T17:14:24.350" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm ... I might say, &quot;Sorry, what was that?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This of course does risk a reiteration of the whole sentence, but I'm okay with that; how likely is it that you missed exactly one word from the sentence and no other nuance?  I'd just as soon get the whole thing again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do want to be more precise, you might try, &quot;Sorry, missed that.  You were asking about ... what?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T17:14:24.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6289" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6287" CreationDate="2017-11-04T17:16:48.687" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;For politeness' sake, you should accept the apologies. It simply is proper etiquette. Additionally, there is nothing positive to gain from not accepting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if the lateness really disrupted whatever they were late for, you could stress additionally that you would really prefer them to be on time. They can't do much anymore to fix the problem for this time; it's in the past, but they can do something about the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not like not accepting the apologies would make them more on time, but neither is holding a grudge for it. Try and fix the future, not the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you could reply with something along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's OK, but could you try and be on time next time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T15:03:36.650" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T15:03:36.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6260" CreationDate="2017-11-04T17:32:39.207" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't have experience with arranged marriage directly but I felt like sharing the fact that my grandpa and grandma (and a lot of grandparents where I come from) have had arranged marriages. My grandma always thought of my grandpa as a &quot;good man&quot; (but wasn't in love with him), but yeah back then in the 1930's and 40's arranged marriage was pretty common and divorces were rare. We are talking about three generations ago! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One unpleasant consequence this had on my family was my grandma constantly thinking about a man she had fallen in love for 50 years ago and who had asked her to marry him but her strict dad wouldn't let her. Even after my grandpa's death, she would always tell everyone the story about not being able to be with the love of her life. Neither my mother nor me felt particularly happy listening to that over and over again for years. Of course, back then, divorce was a HUGE taboo. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how much your mother and Auntie are pressuring &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to talk to Robert and this is why you are asking this question here, but it's more important to be a good friend and understand Robert's difficulties with women and try to help him with that, than to please your mom or Auntie. We can't always please everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;HOWEVER:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To attempt to answer your question regardless of how I feel about this, what I would suggest is for you to &lt;strong&gt;reconsider your role&lt;/strong&gt;. &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Don't think of it as how you should convince Robert to listen to his mother.&lt;/strong&gt; He's an adult and he should only listen to himself when making a decision about who to potentially spend the rest of his life with and how to go about it. &#xA;Instead, what about &lt;strong&gt;having a chat with him about the pros and cons of having an arranged marriage (doing some research, making it fun instead of serious and so on) vs dating sites (what about dating sites, by the way?) vs Robert's difficulties and so on&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If divorces are not as big of a deal to Indians these days and many of your family members have had the experience of having an arranged marriage and then divorcing then &lt;strong&gt;you could look at arranged marriages as an opportunity to meet and date women and sorta emphasize that aspect to Robert&lt;/strong&gt; as long as Robert has expressed the desire to date and get married but doesn't feel confident approaching women for whatever reason (another idea would be to help him with the underlying reasons for not feeling confident when it comes to dating). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So invite Robert for a drink and just chat about dating, marriage, relationships and perhaps emphasize that &lt;strong&gt;having an arranged marriage (these days and for your generation) feels more like getting to date a girl for some time and get to know her and then breaking it off if it doesn't work.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you might probably need to do at the same time is try to convince your mother to ask Auntie (or do it yourself) to not pressure Robert anymore about this as he might get less likely to even remotely consider the idea of an arranged marriage&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell them you'll handle this for a bit and that if they want your help they need to trust you and stop pestering Robert (so as to give yourself time to think of how to better and effectively approach Robert).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T17:32:39.207" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6287" CreationDate="2017-11-04T17:40:41.690" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll suggest that it makes a difference if there are other people around.  Specifically, you don't want to cause yet another disruption by dogging the guy out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Late-Guy meanders into a meeting chirping &quot;sorry I'm late&quot;, &lt;strong&gt;it's alright to be and look annoyed&lt;/strong&gt;.  Because he &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; causing a problem.  If it were me, I'd say, &quot;Alright you can catch up&quot; and keep doing meeting stuff.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's not a packed-with-people scenario, you can be more direct.  &quot;It makes problems when you're late.  Just be more careful, okay?&quot;.  Note that in the first scenario, the guy might not get the hint, in which case you can come back to &quot;It makes problems...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T17:40:41.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6287" CreationDate="2017-11-04T17:47:19.000" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say something along the line of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accept their apologies, in order not to be rude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let them know it bothered me, but in a polite way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try and set up a workaround if this were to happen again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when they say &lt;em&gt;sorry for being late&lt;/em&gt;, I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm glad that you finally made it! I worried a lot, and thought something bad might have happened to you. Luckily, not... Please, next time you see you'll be late, drop us a call, so we know you're fine and on your way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the usual big smile of relief :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You acknowledged their apologies, explained why it was bad not even calling/warning you, and ask them to be more careful next time. In a smooth and polite way. You're done!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T17:47:19.000" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6287" CreationDate="2017-11-04T18:15:56.553" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;This depends on the seriousness of the lateness, and whether this has happened before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider a trivial lateness: a group of friends are gathering to have coffee and snacks. Most arrive on time, and talk to each other, ordering food and drinks without waiting. One arrives late, apologizes, and is really the only one to suffer from the absence. Here you can accept the apology without a second thought. There was no harm done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, a medium-severity lateness: late to work, late to a meeting at work, where others can do some work without the latecomer, but run the risk of needing to repeat things, or of delaying important things, so they are waiting or they are doing lower priority work. Late to important family occasions so you miss the first act of your sibling's play, or to some sporting events, can also fit this category. Here, assuming you're in charge (you're the person's boss, parent, or otherwise in a position to correct them) you can accept the apology but you must communicate clearly that this is unacceptable. The person may just smile &quot;sorry I'm late!&quot; in a way that suggest they aren't really sorry at all, or they may issue an appropriate statement of regret along with a good explanation, but nonetheless the acceptance must include a reminder that this lateness cannot happen again. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That is unfortunate. I presume you know how to ensure it won't happen again? (Wait for response.) I'll forgive this occasion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to leave an impression of &quot;I might not forgive the next one&quot; or even &quot;I will not forgive the next one&quot; not &quot;being late is ok here.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not in charge, you can still try a response like this, but know that they might not pay much attention to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now a more serious one, either a repetition of a previous lateness, for the same reason, or being late in a way that inconveniences customers (an instructor arriving late for class, the person who was supposed to open a store or restaurant not being there before opening time, a doctor, nurse, or firefighter arriving late to relieve the previous shift) or is dangerous, or is so socially-unacceptable that all involved assume the person must have been in an accident or something, and are distressed worrying about them. Here I would not accept the apology. It's a great use for &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We'll discuss this later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most cases that would be the entirety of my response to their apologies for lateness. It indicates strongly that something else is more important than their lateness now, but the lateness cannot be overlooked, and it does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; including accepting the apology even a tiny speck. I have literally said nothing more than those 4 words to someone who was very badly late in an important context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you have the wedding or the meeting or get the store open or whatever needs to be done right then, not delaying any further, and after the crunch is past, your top priority is meeting the person and letting them know just how unacceptable (up to and including &quot;you're fired&quot;, or perhaps &quot;next time, you're fired&quot;) this is. Again if you're not actually in charge of the person, you can still use this &quot;discuss this later&quot; line, and have a heart-to-heart later about how awful it was that they were late to the funeral/wedding/awards ceremony, and the impact this has on their family and/or friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T13:48:11.927" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T13:48:11.927" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6286" CreationDate="2017-11-04T18:25:55.720" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not the word &quot;what&quot; that's rude. It's just saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;as you entire response. And as you can see, Pardon? or I beg your pardon? aren't much better. They make the other person do all the work. Did you miss a word? Do you not have any idea what they're referring to even though you heard clearly? Are you offended that they are asking about that? No way to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer to do most of the work. So in your example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, missed a word there. What were you asking about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although How is the &quot;what&quot; coming along? would work too. Subbing &quot;pardon&quot; in there is nonsensical, don't do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T18:25:55.720" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6245" CreationDate="2017-11-04T20:22:59.573" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The situation may have less to do with the power structure and social dynamics of professors versus students, and more to do with the disruption of conversational flow. That is, I am not dismissing the social hierarchies present, but I'd like to generalize my answer to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I reposition myself when caught in the crossfire of conversation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Standing in a group:&lt;/strong&gt; Why address this scenario? It's simpler to handle, but fundamentally presents the same issues as when seated. When standing in groups of four or more, you may find yourself turning your head and body in order to follow the conversation of individuals on your sides. It's typically not a desirable position for all parties: it may disrupt your listening and perception, it makes it more difficult for the speaker to simultaneously engage all audiences, and it inadvertently places you near the spotlight, which can distract the remaining listeners. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This scenario has a simple fix. Since our interpersonal space is much more fluid when standing than when seated, a simple &quot;Let me stand here, for conversation's sake&quot; while walking to your new location is all that is needed. Standing individuals will naturally reposition themselves to accommodate for personal space, and attention will quickly resume on the conversation.  A &quot;thanks&quot; directed at the parties you move past ends the interaction politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often use an open palm gesture towards my new location to facilitate this transition. You can put your palms up beforehand, and perhaps say &quot;pardon&quot; if you need to briefly halt the conversation to move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Seated in a group:&lt;/strong&gt; Really, the same dynamics are going on, but the scenario often feels like more mental work. In reality, though, you can use the same phrases and gestures. Be direct about it. IMO, there is no need to get up, walk around, and dally with addressing this - you're constructing a more conducive social scenario. This could be win-win for everyone, and not viewed as an imposition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The nag here is that once seated, we often feel as though a certain space has been claimed. So if you can, &lt;em&gt;address the need sooner than later&lt;/em&gt;. This may especially help if you're wedged between two professors on either side! That would involve displacing more bodies, so in this case, a bit more deference in your request can be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Anne Daunted mentioned, providing a reason (using &quot;so&quot; or &quot;because&quot;) makes for a request that any normal individual ought to understand and likely accommodate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as a final note, these ideas also work if you're the one who's looking to engage in conversation! Why talk across a table, when you can sit side by side?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8357" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T20:22:59.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6298" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-04T20:41:09.960" Score="9" ViewCount="1798" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my country, voice calls and SMS messages can either be paid by use or be bundled in some monthly fee that includes a limited amount of free messages and voice call minutes. The first option is vastly more convenient to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The cost per SMS is not a big sum (0.16€, the same price as one minute on the phone), but I like to spare a dime when I can. Lately, social pressure is forcing me to timely reply to SMS messages and the (unnecessary, in my opinion) costs are making me uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm part of a group that usually meets in person twice a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The group also has a WhatsApp chat where scheduling changes (new meetings or rescheduling) are discussed. I'm currently unable to join the chat and I'm only able to use most forms of instant messaging while I'm at my home PC anyway. Calling me or sending me SMS messages is the only way to immediately get in touch with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This group decided, without any input on my part, that I'm getting told of scheduling changes via SMS. I assumed that, especially for very faraway meetings or for &quot;next week, we're gonna reschedule from wednesday to thursday&quot; (no questions) it was ok to wait for the next meeting to state my participation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I wonder why you never reply to my SMS messages. I'm using up one of my free SMS messages, it'd be nice if you at least spent some time to reply&quot;, recently told me the person that usually contacts me, in front of everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd rather them not spending their free SMS messages on me and just tell me things next time we meet in person, but it is apparently critical that my reply is collected at the same time as everyone else's, every single time. I strongly doubt that I'm always the one whose presence determines if the meeting can take place at the new date or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that maybe not having a tariff plan at all is rare these days and it's assumed that I have free SMS messages too, but I feel that I'm being guilt-tripped into spending my money and the feeling is awful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I do to avoid having to send paid SMS messages just to keep this person quiet, without alienating them and possibly without having to explicitly tell the whole group my reasons?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to be as honest as possible, e.g. I don't want to fake not having received the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2608" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T16:38:29.373" LastActivityDate="2019-01-21T08:10:36.080" Title="How do I stop people from expecting me to reply to SMS messages?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6202" CreationDate="2017-11-04T21:15:42.087" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I usually do is stand in the aisle and look at several empty seats which are occupied by bags.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People get the message. Soon, one of them will get their bag out of the seat so you can sit down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The benefit of this method is that the nicest person (or the one who wants you as a neighbor) will be the first to free up a seat for you. The one who wants to be left alone will not. So it selects both for the nicest neighbor, and the one who will be the least annoyed by your presence. Make sure you thank them after sitting down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only if no-one volunteers should you switch to &quot;may I?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-11-04T21:15:42.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6300" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-11-04T22:08:45.190" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you, as a man, are going to a store, buying women's clothes for yourself, and you are embarrassed if questions are asked who these clothes are for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, if I, as a man, go to a store, buying women's clothes for my wife, nobody asks me questions. Why? Because the store employees figure out the difference, and while most are decent people and don't try to embarrass you, some are different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To fix this: You need to change your attitude. Before you go to the store, stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself that you are buying clothes as a present for your wife, or for your girlfriend. Repeat it until you believe it. Then you can go to the store without problems. Allesandro's advice saying &quot;I am buying this as a gift. If the size doesn't fit, can I come back and change it?&quot;, that is pure genius. Because no man can be sure that clothes will fit his wife. And you state the &quot;buying for my wife&quot; out there as a statement. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you buy underwear, well, I would find it a bit embarrassing myself to buy underwear for my wife, so that is normal. Two ways to handle this: For everyday items, look them up on the internet, take a note which item from which popular brand that the shop will have, and which size, and then you go to the store, look embarrased, and show some salesperson the note, saying &quot;this is what my wife wants&quot;. Or you are buying are buying a birthday present, or a present for an anniversary. So you go to the store and ask them for advice. You should have the size ready, and you would want something that is nice as a present, but not too adventurous so you don't get into trouble with your wife. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now let's say you do run into a problem with someone who pesters you and doesn't let go. So what would I do, as a husband buying clothes for his wife, and some idiot salesperson seems to be getting the wrong end of the stick? I would be annoyed. I would be &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; annoyed. And I would let them know that I'm annoyed. I would ask &quot;What is your problem? Would you like to get a manager here and we discuss your problem with them and then you can explain to your manager why you are losing £150 worth of sales?&quot;. Remember, you are buying clothes for your wife. You would be just as annoyed as I would be. And you would answer in exactly the same way. Not embarrassed, but angry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. You can avoid the whole thing by buying online. And if you have nosy neighbours, you can usually get things delivered to some store, or some pickup location. And it's absolutely normal that a woman would order clothes, has them delivered to a store, and then the husband picks them up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. To down voters: 1. The OP didn't mention his age. 2. The OP explicitly mentioned that he was willing to lie to avoid problems. 3. There would be no &quot;false outrage&quot;. We are talking about an employee sticking his nose in my private business. The OP would be just as outraged as me. I explained a strategy that works, and why it works. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T16:41:34.020" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T16:41:34.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6261" CreationDate="2017-11-05T01:03:19.380" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your statements:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;trademark literalism makes me come across as a bit of a smart-a$$ when I don't intend to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is exacerbated by the fact that learned to actually hide behind the autistic literalism, because it's better to be thought of as a jerk than a freak &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you are at least &lt;em&gt;partially&lt;/em&gt; aware of what the problem is, as you sometimes do it on purpose, yes?  Sounds like you're saying you do it both on purpose and by accident.  Okay, we can work with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step one -- &lt;strong&gt;stop doing that&lt;/strong&gt;.  You probably don't want to deliberately practice habits which you know are getting you in trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step two -- &lt;strong&gt;be reactive&lt;/strong&gt;.  Per @apaul advice in another answer, apologize when you realize you've crossed a line and annoyed someone.  &quot;You know I'm a little ASD, do call me out if I start being annoying&quot; might be a good phrase for your arsenal.  Serving up a smile with your apology or disclaimer will go a long way, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step three -- &lt;strong&gt;training!&lt;/strong&gt;  There is training available for autistic adults.  Search on &quot;social skills training for autistic adults&quot; and see if you can find something in your area.  Possibly these guys can help with the &quot;teaching moment&quot; angle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T01:03:19.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6302" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6276" CreationDate="2017-11-05T01:15:33.707" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To know how to say no it helps to know why people want to &quot;borrow&quot; a 7 month old. There are three reasons I can think of: they love the baby and want to spend time with her, they want to do you a favour and lessen your workload a little, or they want to show off to other friends and family how they are trusted caregivers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first two, you can meet these needs without your baby leaving your house. Next time someone says &quot;when can we take care of Baby next?&quot; give them a big smile and say &quot;well actually, this Saturday we have a ton of chores to do here and it would be amazing if you could come over and care for Baby to free us up to do that. Thankyou! Does Saturday afternoon work for you?&quot; This has the advantages of both letting them do what they want, and giving you a chance to observe them so you can see if they know what they're doing. If the person pushes and says no, I want to take Baby away for the afternoon (or longer!) you can say that you aren't really up for packing up all her stuff, maybe arranging for expressed milk, pureed food, toys, clothes, diapers, change pad, highchair, crib, car seat, ... - sure, lots of parents manage all this stuff but clearly you're not ready to do so yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you think no-one would enjoy looking after your baby at your house? I go over to see my grand-daughter, who is 4 months old, once or twice a week, and that enables her parents to catch up on laundry and dishes, sort out a room that needs a good tidy, or fix things around their house. I also go out shopping with my daughter and the baby, and shopping is always easier with a second adult. I really enjoy seeing the baby so often and having her know who I am. I play with her, read to her, and yes,  I get a chance to chat to my daughter and son-in-law too, which is an added bonus. And yes, twice so far she's been left with me, which is nice too, but it's been because they asked me if I would, not because I asked to borrow her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the third one, you don't need to meet that need, but if you would like to work towards that, observing their caregiving could put you into a position to be able to agree to that eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps there's another reason. When you know what it is, you'll know how to say no gracefully and firmly, as well as perhaps how to suggest something else that might meet their needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T01:15:33.707" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4131" CreationDate="2017-11-05T03:48:01.717" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should start from the perspective that you weren't (totally) right.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending upon what kind of analysis is being done, and the resources that the FBI was prepared to expend upon it, 8 days could be totally insufficient.  You say that 50 people should be able to do it, but assigning 50 people to work on a project for 8 days may take longer than 8 days to arrange.  Were they supposed to be looking for secret (steganographically encoded) messages or just certain words? Particular words in the body of the messages, any vaguely competent researcher could do in under a day, but nudge, nudge, wink, wink would take longer, and secret messages could take years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've accpeted that you weren't totally right, you need to decide what kind of response you were looking for. If you wanted to start a discussion about that aspect, then instead of asserting that it was wrong, question what it meant, and why it would take longer than 8 days.  If you wanted to start an argument, then calling it political theater would have been a good move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or combine the two and praise it as good political theater...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any way you look at it, it wasn't a simple factual error that needed correction for the benefit of the speaker or the people there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="470" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T03:48:01.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6287" CreationDate="2017-11-05T05:36:37.360" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you'd like to accept the apology but still emphasise that being on time is not a trivial issue to you, that you have expected this person to do better, and this expectation was not met.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of things that I would &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; do are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;passive-aggressive approach (&quot;yeah it's okay&quot; with sarcastic voice or just appearing angry)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;confrontational approach (&quot;please make sure this is the last case&quot;) - it may be appropriate in a 1-1 setting if you're the late person's manager and nothing else worked&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An approach that is not very confrontational, and should work with any person no matter of your personal relationship, would be to accept the apology and also &lt;strong&gt;politely inform how the situation affected you and the others&lt;/strong&gt;. Express your feelings and unmet needs clearly and trust that person to take action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally it would be short enough not to disrupt the meeting or bring embarrassment, but also strong enough so that the person will understand that it's not OK and they should improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi! I'm glad that you're here. However I was really hoping that we can start the meeting on time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or stronger -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, good to see you, come join us! X, I feel disappointed that you came 5 minutes late; I think the morning meeting works really well if we are all here on time and I really wish we could start without delay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8366" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T05:36:37.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6287" CreationDate="2017-11-05T05:44:25.537" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell the person how it affects the group, work flow, or what ever the case may be. You can tell them that you will catch them up to speed this time, but if it happens again, they will need to get missed info from a peer after the meeting. This lets the person know tardiness is not acceptable, but at the same time you are giving them a break. &#xA;If the event is a personal gathering tell them how them being late makes you feel.&#xA;EX: When you arrive late for dinner it makes me feel unappreciated, and I feel like you don't want to spend time with me. &#xA;Avoid saying you make me feel. Nobody can make you feel anything. These type of statements will only put the  other party on the defensive.&#xA;Avoid telling someone, &quot;it's ok&quot; when it is obviously not ok. This only gives them permission to continue the behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8367" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T05:44:25.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3869" CreationDate="2017-11-05T08:35:08.500" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest instead of saying they were insincere, I would write back and ask for a concrete expression of that apology in the form of some action or credit from them that acknowledges their part in the problem. I normally suggest some fraction of the total cost, higher or lower depending on how much control and responsibility I feel they should take for the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some business are happy to give a voucher towards future purchases, or some sort of upgrade. Eg if it's an airline, asking for a discount voucher, or a free upgrade to business class etc may be appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I run a small consultancy business. When the complaint is from one of my clients, I normally offer to halve the bill and say to them &quot;rather than we both get bogged down dividing up how this mess happened, let's just split it half/half (you pay half the invoice and I write off the other half) and we move on!?&quot;. This skips over all the arguing, and is much more likely to convert the client from being upset to someone who will spread good word of mouth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I feel they are being totally unreasonable, I just don't do business with them again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you suggest something else than half/half, then you are starting to divvy up responsibility unless you suggest an amount more then they feel they deserved. Then they will agree quickly!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3583" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2017-11-06T12:07:34.980" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T12:07:34.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2017-11-05T09:26:34.317" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have read the other answers here, and I think they all offer very useful insights. I'll adopt some of them myself, thank-you all! I'd like to offer one more, if I may...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whilst my own approach will be very culturally dependent and will not work everywhere, I can say that it works perfectly well in Australia:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I use humour. Self-deprecating humour more often than not. (It's a personal favourite). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an organization theorist. Practically, that means I study management and organizations. Academically, 'management' covers a range of sub-fields from soft 'people' things like organization behaviour (which is, in effect, psychology) to hard things like the ways that organizations are structured (and structure themselves), and strategy and such, and a range of other things in between those two extremes along a kind of soft-to-hard continuum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have just submitted a doctoral thesis about organization theory. In it I examine the organization structures and power relationships among a group of people who make up a large Open Source Software project. The nature of 'employment' in such an organization means that power relationships are largely inverted as compared to those in a conventional organization, and so I examine those relationships, along with psycho-social &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; organization-theoretical notions of 'motive' and 'self' and power and resistance and such in the hope of informing management practice in the 'real' world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a hell of a mouthful to explain, and I've already vastly simplified it for this answer. There's a real risk in rendering the conversation at a dead-end from the outset if I start like that. It wasn't until a month or so after I completed that I realized that what I had done was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;I wrote a book about people fighting among themselves on the Internet&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and that makes me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;An expert in fighting with strangers on the Internet&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach works pretty well for me. If a person really wants to make polite untechnical conversation, this tells them what I'm up to, and lets them off-the-hook insofar as being dragged into incomprehensible technicalities goes. If I've dumbed it down TOO much, and my audience (of one) actually does have the capacity to understand more, my flippant approach is self-deprecating, so I'm insulting myself, not them. Again, this is very culturally dependent...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Australia we have the notion of the &quot;tall poppy syndrome&quot;. Analogically, it visualises a field of poppies in which one flower grows taller than the rest, and because it's &quot;head is sticking up&quot;, it is at greater risk of being cut down than others. Socially, Australians are uncomfortable with self-promotion and will seek to 'cut down' any 'poppies' that stick their heads up. It is similar to the Filipino notion of &quot;crabs in a bucket&quot; wherein if you put a single crab in a bucket you must put a lid on top to keep the crab inside, but if you have two or more crabs, you don't need a lid because they'll continually pull each other down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is another idea, one that I suspect extends further than my own national culture, and that is the broad perception that much funded academic research is meaningless, trivial and wasteful of public funding. Layfolks don't understand the notion of &quot;standing on the shoulders of giants&quot; as the means of building reliability and veracity as we do, so explaining that I spent ten government-funded years watching people argue on the Internet will likely be met with a kind of unspoken derision. I think that folks recognize that research is valuable and useful, but they don't see the long-term connections between individual studies and societal benefit. By describing my work in humourous terms, I allude to that social concern in a way that makes no attempt to defend against it and keeps me firmly in the socially-requisite 'bucket' until my audience chooses to life the lid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, explaining my work as &quot;fighting on the Internet&quot; is culturally appropriate here. It's simple, it's self-deprecating (a precise opposite for self-promotion) and, believe it or not, it's accurate. So if my audience DOES want to know more, I can develop the facetious explanation into a more technical explanation about how studying people fighting on the Internet genuinely informs those other theories that I raised above, and how my research will directly inform management practice so as to make managers more successful, staff happier and companies more profitable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It works for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I adopted the approach, in part, after observing an evolutionary biologist whom I admire, Prof. Rob Brooks of the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia, regularly introduce himself - often in quite solemn situations and in senior, important and elite company - by saying &quot;&lt;em&gt;it is my job to spend a lot of time thinking about sex&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. It always makes the more 'proper' individuals ever-so-slightly uncomfortable, but it amuses everyone, and it &lt;em&gt;is accurate&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases, if the inquirer is happy with that answer, they'll leave it there. If they want more, if they want to talk about sex or about fighting strangers, then these flippant and slightly facetious responses are genuine, accurate and valid, and can be developed into more properly technical explanations of our work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to add that I think it is important for all scholars, or anyone who does deeply technical work, to be able to explain what it is that we do to laypeople. As @chris-f-carroll pseudo-attributes to Feynman in his comment elsewhere on this page, though perhaps not for the same reason, it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; important to be able to explain oneself to non-technical audiences. At some point, you'll want to explain the value of your work to your Mum or your partner or a senior manager who controls funding that you need. For that reason, we encourage research students at all levels to keep thinking about how to explain their work: we set &quot;explain your 80,000 word thesis thoroughly and accurately in 150 words&quot; tasks, ask them to speak for no more than 10-15 minutes at bi-annual progress reports (and to take questions from their audience), and encourage participation in &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Minute_Thesis&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Three Minute Thesis&lt;/a&gt;&quot; competitions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A final point I will make is that those of us who work at deeply technical things are well used to being misunderstood - or simply not understood - by laypeople. Very occasionally, we meet individuals who &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; understand what we're talking about and find ourselves having inadvertently &quot;dumbed it down&quot; &lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt; much for a particular audience. It feels a little embarrassing when that occurs, but the situation is easily recovered by a brief and honest apology. The other person always understands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for the question and the opportunity to reply. I hope my perspective helps somehow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Geoff&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8369" LastEditorUserId="8369" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T02:04:55.433" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T02:04:55.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6311" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-05T09:57:06.820" Score="5" ViewCount="600" Body="&lt;p&gt;How do you stop buying presents for someone (and their child) you don't know very well, when you have to see them and are giving other people presents at the same time, without appearing rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The background is, that I can only see my friends &amp;amp; their families once a month for a big get together, so I've always brought their birthday presents along. A new person who I don't have any friendship with was introduced, and it felt rude so I started bringing birthday presents for them too. Then they started bringing their kid and that seemed rude since I do it for my friends children and I started doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now they are bringing their SO, and another new person has been introduced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its costing me more than I can afford, but to give 'smaller' gifts, when the giving is necessarily visible to everyone or no gifts seems terrible.  I don't wish to give my friends less to be able to afford gifts for acquaintances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I manage this situation better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8372" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T10:21:36.097" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T16:48:04.740" Title="How to stop buying presents?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="14" ClosedDate="2017-11-07T10:15:51.040" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6298" CreationDate="2017-11-05T10:12:35.470" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'd say be honest about not being on-line all the time.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These days people are implicitly expected to be on-line all the time. But this is, as any off-the-grid person can tell you, very draining indeed. This, you feel, is expected of you. &lt;em&gt;But your life's choices are yours.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to give reasons for this.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Just explain that it is your habit of doing your social media thing in the evening, &lt;em&gt;when you can give it your full attention&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When challenged ask for understanding.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Explain that you will respond to emergencies immediately but that for everything else 'within a few days' (if not the same day) should be soon enough. There is, after all, no hurry? Explain that this is not a lack of attention, not that you find it unimportant, that it is nothing more than &lt;em&gt;timing&lt;/em&gt;. And perhaps add that you prefer to share in person instead of on-line sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally ask that they do not feel neglected, ignored.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;They are not. You respect them and find being in their company important. You respectfully ask them to respect your choices, as you do theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T12:19:07.063" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T12:19:07.063" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6313" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-05T12:16:55.377" Score="5" ViewCount="685" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since my childhood I am still living alone because of this problem i.e food sharing problem with my own friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suppose if I went to party, friends are also invited. They putting their hands in my plate and eat it, which I really don't like.  I am ready to share food, but putting their hands directly into my plate is a major problem for me. Sometimes they put their food into my plate which I feel is seriously disgusting. Actually I don't eat already consumed/used food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to deal with this type of food eating friends? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8378" LastEditorUserId="3387" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T19:10:18.273" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T19:10:18.273" Title="How to deal with this type of food eating friends?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-11-05T20:34:13.520" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1851" CreationDate="2017-11-05T13:56:51.317" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suggestion would be to go to the first meeting, do whatever's asked of you that does &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; directly promote their religious objective, humbly apologize if someone asks you to do just that (while offering to do something else).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if you wish, just don't show up any more.  Use what transpired at the first meeting as the excuse (such as giving out flyers for a free consultation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T13:56:51.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2581" CreationDate="2017-11-05T14:04:07.720" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer is in monitoring (which, where I come from is a bit of a dirty word, but that's a story for another time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Watch over people, say nothing if they do the right thing, and intervene if they don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presume they didn't hear or understand you the first time, and explain it to them again.  (Maybe they're just refusing, but assuming they don't understand when they're really refusing is gentler than assuming they're refusing when they really don't understand.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it happens &lt;strong&gt;again&lt;/strong&gt; (same person), kick it up a notch.  Let them know you expect more careful work from them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep track of who did what and on what dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep such interactions individual; don't chastise the group (unless a lot of people are making the same mistake).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to correct everyone's behavior in one big lecture; but perhaps a refresher (scheduled and made known in advance) would be occaisionally appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T14:04:07.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6036" CreationDate="2017-11-05T14:21:15.757" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Four years ago, I relocated to another area to start a business with a man.  Despite my protests, everyone (including his girlfriend) believed this was more (or that I wanted it to be more) than a simple business relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, since most shopkeepers and such are men, a woman wanting to reach out to get a pizza delivered (or whatever) &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; talk to men.  So not allowing a woman to communicate with men is not really workable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said the above, there should be an equal arrangement.  If I were in your shoes, I would say, we have an agreement, and I expect you to keep your side of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she protests, or if she &lt;em&gt;once again&lt;/em&gt; contacts a man (and you know about it), say the agreement's over, and stand your ground.  Just tell her you can now do whatever you want.  (Be sure to let her know you won't be cheating on her.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T10:47:43.310" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T10:47:43.310" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6298" CreationDate="2017-11-05T15:42:12.767" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be honest about the cost and approach it with a desire for mutual problem-solving.  Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I actually have to pay for every message, so I try to save those for urgent stuff.  I can use IM from my computer, which I use every night, and I thought responding that way would be fast enough for scheduling next week's meeting.  Is that causing problems for the rest of you?  Can we figure out another way to coordinate?  Or if it's easier for you, it's fine for me if you just tell me when we're meeting instead of asking me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, being the person who is &quot;behind the times&quot; when it comes to communication does have costs.  That's true whether the limiting factor is money, technology, knowledge, time, or personal preference.  I am not on Facebook, and it's sometimes an uphill battle to get people to share important information via the channels we all used before Facebook.  A member of a social organization I'm part of has never had email, and over time his participation has become more and more marginal.  That's unfortunate and nobody &lt;em&gt;means&lt;/em&gt; to leave people behind, but it takes extra effort to make sure Bob gets called and Alice gets email about that Facebook thing and so on.  Your group is trying to work around your lack of access to WhatsApp.  It's important to view their SMS messages not as &quot;they decided this without me&quot; but &quot;they're trying to help; how can I get them to help differently?&quot;.  Come to the discussion prepared with a proposal if they say that waiting until you get home in the evening is too slow.  (Maybe you collectively figure out which ones are urgent and you should just pay for the message, or maybe you try email, or whatever.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T21:40:42.653" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T21:40:42.653" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6319" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1156" CreationDate="2017-11-05T16:02:59.370" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd even suggest not giving the 15 minutes for free.  Scope creep can be a real issue for you, along with the precedent of &quot;you gave me 15 min; can't you just help me a little bit more?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have expertise in your field - expertise that someone needs. That unique set of skills has value and you should be compensated for it. By way of example, I know a guy that works in IT. When people ask him to come over and fix their computer (for free), his response always is, &quot;Why, are you coming over to my house to do YOUR job for free?&quot; That puts it exactly where it belongs - the requestor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest having a frank discussion up front. &quot;Sorry, I don't do free consultations. My hourly rate is [x] and I like to draw up a statement of work before I get started.&quot; Run it like a business and it will be treated like a business. I personally have been burned by NOT having a SOW. Get both sides to agree to what's being paid for, how long it will take, and the cost associated with it. Even if it's a short thing, you can resist scope creep and being accused of over-billing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T17:03:32.200" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T17:03:32.200" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6320" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6322" CreationDate="2017-11-05T19:06:45.947" Score="3" ViewCount="2003" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been single for years, which is fine by me, mainly because I'm more interested in pursuing life goals and making progress in my field of work. However, every time my parents call me, they complain that I haven't gotten into a relationship yet (they feel like they should already have grandchildren by now), and lately not only my friends - but even members of the opposite sex that I have idle chat with on random occasions, end up asking me during conversations how comes I'm not in a relationship yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not particularly interested in a relationship, but constantly having people pester me about it makes me wonder if it would be fine to just seek out a random partner from dating sites or whatever other meetup options are available, just to have a better answer when somebody says there's something wrong with my life because I'm still single at my age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like it would be unfair for a potential partner if I'm not really interested in them and only force myself to be with them. Sure, there's the chance that we'll end up compatible, but also a more likely chance that I'll just get bored of them and have to cut it off eventually - which might hurt them if they didn't realize that's how I felt all along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, obviously, if I told them right away that I'm &quot;not really interested&quot; and only &quot;giving it a chance&quot; or &quot;doing it out of necessity&quot; with a passive tone, they wouldn't want to be a in a relationship with me to begin with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to lie to a different person about something like this, but I was never attracted to someone on first sight, and it would probably take me a long time of knowing someone until I can decide if I like them enough to be a long term partner or not. For the longest time, I thought maybe &quot;one day, I'll just meet the one&quot;, but seeing as this hasn't happened for many years and nothing in my daily routine is changing, it seems like I need to take action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answers with examples and similar experiences would be appreciated, but just personal opinions with insight on the matter are fine too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to make it clear: This question is specifically about whether it is acceptable go out with someone, knowing from the start that you're not interested in them in any way (neither romantic or sexual), just to satisfy a personal need to &quot;not be single&quot;.&#xA;This isn't about forcing someone to go out with you if they're not interested, or about tricking someone into thinking you're interested when you're not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8384" LastEditorUserId="8384" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T20:11:01.680" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T20:11:01.680" Title="Is it ethical to be in a relationship with a partner you're neither romatically or sexually interested in?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-11-06T04:13:28.693" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6321" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6324" CreationDate="2017-11-05T19:21:11.023" Score="0" ViewCount="2330" Body="&lt;p&gt;I lent some money to a friend two months ago, in order to help him start his own job. He asked me if I could give him 350€ to pay some workers that had done some wall painting at his place, and that he was was going to return the money without saying when. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, after 2 months, he still didn't give me back my money, and he didn't even contact me. I'm very disappointed about the fact that he asked me easily about the money and that he was in difficult financial situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a good a friend as I am, I helped him, but recently, I saw some photos in his social network where he was enjoying a trip in a foreign European country and I felt like an idiot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want my money back, but I'm worried that if I call him, I'm going to get mad and brake our friendship and I don't want that to happen. &#xA;I'm thinking to send him a text message and ask him to give me the money whenever he is ready. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to hear your suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8385" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T19:55:52.057" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T20:06:58.763" Title="How can I politely ask my money back?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-05T21:47:04.517" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6320" CreationDate="2017-11-05T19:28:10.227" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say that you shouldn't date someone just to be able to tell family and friends that you are. Realistically, dating someone for any reason other than genuine interest in that person, is a little messed up, unless they know up front what your intentions are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that out of the way, there's nothing wrong with simply deciding that you'd rather be single. It's also ok to date around a bit and try to meet someone that you actually are interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just check your motives... Are you actually interested in being in a romantic relationship or are you just doing it to get people off your back about being single? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're actually interested in being in a romantic relationship, it helps to make yourself available. The chances of your ideal partner just appearing at your door some day aren't great. So if you really want to meet someone, you'll need to get out of the house a little more often and make an effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is perfectly alright to go on a date as a sort of trial basis. That's kind of what a date is after all... Most people tend to have some qualities that they would like a potential partner to have, and most filter who they're willing to go out on a date with, based on that criteria. To be clear, a single date doesn't usually imply a committed relationship, so it's ok to go out on a date with someone and decide whether or not this is someone who you would like to go on another date with. Usually after several dates you'll get a sense of whether you really like the person. If you do, it may be worth thinking about pursuing a more serious committed relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-11-05T19:47:49.737" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T19:47:49.737" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6323" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2581" CreationDate="2017-11-05T19:38:33.697" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I lead volunteers, I separate my instructions into &quot;must&quot; and &quot;should&quot;.  I don't mean that I separate the teaching, but for each thing that I teach, I know which it is and let that influence how &lt;em&gt;and when&lt;/em&gt; I teach it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are a lot of musts to begin with, I triage the shoulds.  People aren't going to remember a ton of frontally-presented information before they ever do the task; they don't have all the context yet.  The most-important shoulds are the ones that significantly affect the customers (like giving the right change) or make the job significantly easier (like addressing all the envelopes first and then stamping them all, as opposed to addressing and stamping each one together).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When presenting information, I make the musts clear (&quot;do this&quot;) and cast the shoulds as helpful tips (&quot;most people find it easier to do it this way&quot;, &quot;it'll be much faster if you do this&quot;, etc).  Don't be ambiguous: if there's something you want people to do all the time, present it as a must.  I tell people that we'll learn some helpful tips along the way and if they have questions, please ask.  People learn at different speeds, so if someone's picking it up quickly, don't hold that person back from learning the helpful tips -- but don't do it at the expense of the people who are still learning the basics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the importance depends on the situation.  For example, when I'm working with volunteers to prepare a large meal, some dishes require that you add ingredients quickly, so you need to have everything ready and right there next to the pan.  So I'll say something like &quot;for this dish you need to add everything within a couple minutes, so measure everything out and put it next to the stove before you start heating the oil -- you don't want to be running around the kitchen looking for the garlic while your onions are overcooking.  That's a good idea in general -- make sure you have all your ingredients before you start.  It'll save you time in the end and mean less waste.&quot;  What I just did was to teach a must &lt;em&gt;for this specific context&lt;/em&gt; and a general should at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, remember that volunteers are not homogenous.  Some learn more quickly than others, and some are better suited for some tasks than for others.  While the training you give is aimed at the group, have a plan for individual coaching too.  If you have control over task assignment, try to match volunteers with tasks that suit what you've seen of their abilities, and keep an eye out for people who are having trouble or seem to be bored.  An unwritten goal of volunteer training is &lt;em&gt;keeping&lt;/em&gt; volunteers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T19:38:33.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6321" CreationDate="2017-11-05T20:06:58.763" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's my personal belief that it's best to handle such things in person, or at least via phone call.  That said, text can be made to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll caution you though ... if you tell him to pay you back &quot;when he's ready&quot;, that's the same situation you're already in.  It's better if you lean just a trifle harder, perhaps, &quot;Hey X, when can you slide that 350€ back my way?  I've got [something true] expenses coming up...&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, you're asking him to commit to a date.  Which is what you need, because &quot;whenever&quot; tends to edge into &quot;never&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about breaking the friendship.  If he's truly your friend, he'll understand your quite gentle prompting, and work something out with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T20:06:58.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3869" CreationDate="2017-11-05T20:14:34.173" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lots of very good answers here.  I'll add a little more...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The apology may or may not be sincere; hard to tell at this remove.  What I'll recommend is that you acknowledge the apology along with a renewed call to action.  Something like, &quot;Dear X, I appreciate your kind words.  I'm sure we can work our way through this.  Specifically, we still have open issues [A, B, C].  End goal I would like to see is [D, E, F].  Please let me know what steps you are taking, and what kind of timeline for resolution we are looking at.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sort of thing.  Appreciate the kind words, but don't let 'em off the hook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T20:14:34.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6326" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6337" CreationDate="2017-11-05T20:22:07.737" Score="165" ViewCount="39864" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sorry, I just never had these situations occur until I moved into a neighborhood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, we (well, my dogs) get most of our exercise in a large, unused field near my house. The people on our way and around the field know me, so it's rarely an issue. But it's wet and rainy today, so I was taking the dogs for a long walk. They were on short leashes, in broad rainy-daylight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I walk the dogs, I allow them to be dogs. They are allowed to stop and sniff and &quot;read&quot; the neighborhood dog-gossip. So our walks take quite a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I was walking, a car driven by a stranger (male) slowed down to my creeping pace and stayed there. At first, I just ignored him, but after a few minutes, I just looked straight at him. He didn't roll the window down, so I didn't try to talk. He just stared back. So we continued in this fashion, me letting my dogs walk at their pace, him creeping along just a bit behind me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, I gave in, walked to the driver's side and asked him to roll down his window.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Why are you following me?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Him: I want to make sure you don't let your dogs take a dump on someone's lawn.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: They did already; it's in this bag (I hold up the smelly evidence.)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Him: You wouldn't be the first person to let their dog take a dump on someone's lawn.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Well, it won't happen today, not with my dogs anyway.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Him: And I'm going to make sure it doesn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I walk away and he continues to follow me. There was no response to my looks or my request to please stop following me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't have my cell phone with me, so I can't call the police, or take a picture of his car's plate. I was kind of afraid to walk to my house; I didn't want this creepy guy to know where I lived (my dogs aren't vicious.) Finally, I just stopped walking and waited him out. He left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly, the exchange wasn't a friendly one. (I'm beginning to wonder about this neighborhood. Life on the farm was a bowl of cherries, neighbor-wise.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way this exchange could have been handled better on my part? (Please keep in mind I'm reluctant to introduce myself to someone silently following me in their car.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T20:53:37.170" LastActivityDate="2020-08-24T16:24:03.593" Title="As a pedestrian, how to get someone to stop following you in a car?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6327" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6326" CreationDate="2017-11-05T20:47:58.947" Score="131" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you handled the creeper appropriately, and yes &quot;creeper&quot; is an appropriate word to use in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I would suggest is to walk to the nearest friendly neighbor's house and ask for assistance, and/or ask them to call the police. You were right not to allow him to follow you home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something tells me that you might live in one of those &lt;em&gt;&quot;fun&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Covenant_(law)#Covenants_related_to_land&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;deed restricted communities&lt;/a&gt;. I'm guessing this because this sort of ridiculousness is fairly rampant in some of those &lt;em&gt;&quot;communities&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. If this is the case I would also recommend attending the next homeowners association (HOA) meeting to tell the group how unsettling the encounter was and encourage your neighbors to be on the lookout for creepers. Also if it is an HOA situation, they're probably painfully aware of the guy that throws fits about dog poop, so someone will probably be able to identify him and tell him to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether it's a deed restricted community, or not, your best option will be to carry your cell phone and take pictures and call the police anytime something like this happens in the future. It may not necessarily be a crime, but pretty much any street cop will tell a guy following a woman like this to cut it out and go home. Also, the cops may have dealt with this guy doing this before, so they may be less than nice about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T20:59:54.310" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T20:59:54.310" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6326" CreationDate="2017-11-05T22:02:15.593" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Was this a one-time event or does this keep happening?  Is this person a resident of the neighborhood that you haven't met yet or someone from outside the neighborhood?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Technically his actions, although creepy, aren't illegal.  It's a public street and he has the right to be there.  I'm not saying it's right; I'm just commenting on the legality as I understand it.  (IANAL)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have a significant other?  I'd suggest inviting him/her on the walks with you.  People in packs are much less likely to be intimidated.  If you get along with the neighbors, feel to include them on a walk if there's one you like spending time with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Confidence can help here as well.  You don't need to defend yourself or your dogs.  If you feel that need to defend yourself, this person has a feeling of dominance over you.  I'd suggest perhaps opening (next time) with a little bit stronger opening.  &quot;Are you enjoying watching my dogs?&quot; &quot;Can I help you?&quot;  &quot;Are you lost?&quot;  &quot;I want to make sure....&quot;  &quot;Hey, if watching for a dog to take a dump makes you happy, that's your problem.  Want a bag of it?&quot;  And keep doing what you're doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And bring your phone with.  If you think your dogs will protect you, take a picture of the car and get the license plate.  Nothing makes a creep feel exposed like the possibility of being identified.  That has an element of risk, so only do that if you feel confident nothing will come of it.  Behavior will only continue if it's productive - make it your point to be visible and very boring and eventually he'll get tired of playing &quot;poop patrol&quot; and will go on his way.  As long as his behavior doesn't change yours, it won't be productive for him and will eventually end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry there's not a quick &quot;just say [X]&quot; but there's not a simple solution here that I can think of. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-05T22:02:15.593" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6326" CreationDate="2017-11-05T23:08:03.613" Score="10" Body="&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Be careful&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some neighborhoods have a watch that makes it perfectly legal to make sure you follow the neighborhood's rules (and these can be weird).  Calling the police on someone who may be following the neighborhood rules might not go the direction you think - it &lt;em&gt;very well may be within his rights to do&lt;/em&gt; even if it comes off as weird.  Find out what you &lt;em&gt;can do&lt;/em&gt; without breaking any HOA, neighborhood, and such rules.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask neighbors.  Is this characteristic of them?  Does he do this to others?  It may be something many people experience, but this will also help in answering point one - he might be within his rights to behave this way.  You said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm beginning to wonder about this neighborhood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just because of this, or has there been other events?  In general, it's a good idea to interact and get to know your neighbors.  If this guy is an exception, they will have stories and help you.  If he's not, you may realize this isn't the place to be.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In a general situation like this, it's a good idea to emphasize agreement with the person's frustration, as getting defensive may imply that you're going to do the opposite of what he wants.  So stating something like, &quot;Oh my gosh, yeah I hate it when people's dogs poo on my front lawn and they don't pick it up!&quot;  Then tell a story about your frustration and show that you agree.  If he's really disturbed by dog poo and he sees that you can feel his frustration, he may disappear without worry.  If he doesn't, it's possible there are other things going on, or he doesn't believe you.  In the first case, &lt;em&gt;be careful&lt;/em&gt;; in the latter case, this comes from building trust with people.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastEditorUserId="1657" LastEditDate="2017-11-06T08:49:24.063" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T08:49:24.063" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6326" CreationDate="2017-11-06T00:29:47.497" Score="227" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How about frequent changes of direction?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On foot, this can be done in a heartbeat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But repeatedly turning the car around is gonna get old real quick ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a non-confrontational way to discourage antisocial behaviour, and I have used this approach in my own personal experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8390" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2020-08-24T16:24:03.593" LastActivityDate="2020-08-24T16:24:03.593" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6333" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6366" CreationDate="2017-11-06T03:56:08.457" Score="2" ViewCount="490" Body="&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to deal with a member who posts all the time in a buy/sell group (about 500 members) of which I am an administrator on Facebook? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have asked them through Messenger (politely) to consolidate their posts and to delete sold items. This person politely agreed, but then only did a partial job and still left a very messy situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person is an acquaintance that I have only talked to a few times in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am familiar with the technical controls in place on Facebook. That's not what I want to do though, the rules are sufficiently broad that I can't find any specific rules they are breaking so banning or blocking won't really be an option. &lt;strong&gt;I am looking for interpersonal solutions to persuade this member to improve their behavior.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I persuade them to quit filling up the timeline besides blocking them from the page?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8395" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-11-06T13:42:24.460" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T17:31:42.367" Title="How to persuade a friend posting too much in a group page to improve their behavior?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6337" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6326" CreationDate="2017-11-06T06:07:10.313" Score="134" Body="&lt;p&gt;Judging from already available answers, this will be an unpopular suggestion, but here I go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the most sensible course of action is to not be confrontational at all, and &lt;strong&gt;1.&lt;/strong&gt; to query about their motives &lt;strong&gt;2.&lt;/strong&gt; to empathize with them &lt;strong&gt;3.&lt;/strong&gt; to query about their identity &lt;strong&gt;4.&lt;/strong&gt; to try establish a connection with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand this is not an easy advice, since it is always difficult to handle situations when one is being wrongly accused of something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could be a conversation template:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Hello, I seem to have noticed you are following me, do I know you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other: rants rants rants&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Does xxx happen often? (show honest interest)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other: grunts grunts grunts&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Oh, I see, so are you living near here? (who is he/where does he live?)&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I just moved here in this neighbourhood... (deflect anger, praise the  place)&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Nice to meet you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other: ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Thank you for taking care of ensuring not(xxx) in our own neighbourhood, I completely understand how unpleasant it can be when xxx happens, once... (share your own experience)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other: ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: It was nice to meet you, have a nice day~~ (smiley smiley)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a follow-up, if they happen to follow you again, always acknowledge immediately their presence with a warm greeting and show interest in them, i.e. ask how they are doing and how is their &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;watch job&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; going lately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although the behaviour of the neighbour started out as being hostile, I think that the only winning approach is to completely reject any participation in the hostility and to win them over as friends. In the long term, this has best prospects to flourish in a positive situation and to avoid further hostile behaviours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing to understand is that you're both on the same side: you both want a friendly, clean and peaceful neighbourhood. You do this by ensuring your dogs don't litter other people's grass, and he does it by ensuring no one deliberately leaves dump on other people's grass. Even if his behaviour comes off as creepy and hostile, he's likely acting in response to a real, and reasonable, need. It is likely your neighbourhood has experienced problems of this kind in the past, and now they are wary of anyone who might cause harm to their small community. Your job as a good neighbour is to reassure them you are not there to break their peace. Note that having the creepy guy guarding the neighbourhood as your friend and making him trust you  will help deflecting any possible criticism/bad-mouthing from anyone else: he will soon start guaranteeing for you with the others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1938" LastEditorUserId="1938" LastEditDate="2020-07-02T07:54:39.533" LastActivityDate="2020-07-02T07:54:39.533" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6326" CreationDate="2017-11-06T06:38:17.813" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You handled it well.  This is unwanted attention, and the best thing to do is be boring.  Actually, the best thing is to be safe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He wants to follow you anonymously, so stop walking and look at him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He wants to look at you and not talk, so start talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you don't want a conversation.  Keep it boring.  You asked him why he was following you, but now he gets to see if a) you believe his answer, and b) direct the conversation to something he wants to talk about.  Rather, be declarative: &quot;I don't like being followed&quot;.  That's where the conversation ends, any rational that he comes up with for doing it is not applicable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be patient while waiting for him to loose interest, but never let him think that what you're doing is supposed to be interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3041" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T06:38:17.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6333" CreationDate="2017-11-06T06:39:25.023" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the end there will be no other choice than to block them. That's what the function is for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First you should check and validate some things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;are other members annoyed by the behaviour or is it just you?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;tell the person that this behaviour is annoying to a lot of other members (if it is)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;tell the person again what to change and why&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;give one to two warnings when it happens again after that&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this it should be fair to block the person from the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T06:39:25.023" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2017-11-06T07:47:34.313" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've been just muttering a &quot;Thank you,&quot; but that is also unnecessary (thanks for what? Being done? Or &quot;allowing&quot; me to use the machine?) and I'm afraid that can come across as sarcastic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should this superfluous courtesy be handled?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are recognizing your desires, and acknowledging them.  Furthermore, if you somehow got distracted, they are bringing your attention to the availability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One option is to thank them, preferably non-awkwardly.  Essentially, you are thanking them for taking the time to be abundantly clear that they are completely done.  You can also be thanking them for making the effort to speak (pleasantly) to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a perfectly good option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to provide some short, equally meaningless, friendly chit-chat right back to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It's all yours.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Excellent.  This drink is going to fuel my ability to stay awake for &lt;em&gt;at least&lt;/em&gt; seven more minutes.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It's all yours.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Alright!  Just forty-five more seconds until the next chemically-induced improvement to my happiness meter!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It's all yours.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yippee!  Oh.  I got overly excited again, didn't I?  Thank you.  Have a good afternoon.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T07:47:34.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6341" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6357" CreationDate="2017-11-06T08:36:19.070" Score="11" ViewCount="5223" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently encountered a situation where I felt it was important to ask a stranger what they were doing/if everything was alright or prompt them to explain themselves, however, after they acted confrontationally I lost my nerve and did not say anything. I have often thought back and wondered what would have been the best way to avoid conflict/defuse any escalating situations if I &lt;strong&gt;did&lt;/strong&gt; attempt to acquire that information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Scenario&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was on the bus home, 3 girls and 2 boys aged 15-17 guided a young girl aged 6-8 on (whom I had noticed 30 min earlier shopping with her parents and made some idle elevator chatter to the father when he dropped some coins). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are another 6 or so people scattered around the bus. The group sit near me, and are quite loud so I overhear parts of their conversations. Attempting to be as objective as possible, this is what I could gather. They talked about seeing the girl and her parents at the shops, they said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know why I got so mad?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and explained it was because of how the parents were treating their daughter badly by rudely refusing some request. There were a few other mentions of some conflict at the shops. They said that their next stop were some clubs and they were going to get very drunk. Next they addressed the girl in a way that seemed to me as though they did not really know her or what to do with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ooh yeah, we should probably feed the girl, lets stop by a food shop,&#xA;  I'm not buying. (then addressing the girl) Little girl, are you&#xA;  hungry?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: my question is &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; about about anything other than Interpersonal Skills for avoiding conflict.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring any subconscious bias I may have and although the young girl did not look distressed at all and other than being obnoxious/swearing the group had done nothing wrong, I had heard enough that I felt it was important to somehow check if everything was alright. While mulling over how to ask what was going on in a way that avoids conflict the group noticed me and said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Stop talking, people can hear us... This weirdo (gesture at me) is staring at us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, I was staring, and obviously that wasn't the best method but I will explain it away as subconscious since I was about/attempting to engage in a conversation with them. This confrontation threw me off, I awkwardly looked away and put in headphones until eventually they left. And when I got off I promptly phoned the non-urgent police line with a description and plenty of emphasis on the fact that there was a distinct possibility that there was nothing wrong after all (there was still a good chance they were just transporting her to another relative or something).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My condition is to acquiring (or attempting to acquire) enough information so my worries for the girls safety can be put to rest. Obviously guaranteed conflict aversion won't be possible but I would like to know how to do this before they noticed me, after they noticed me and in the case where our interaction escalates, using IPS in a way that minimises the conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-06T08:37:18.427" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T14:22:45.870" Title="How to acquire information from a confrontational stranger" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6333" CreationDate="2017-11-06T09:08:19.197" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Change the rules so that only a certain amount of sale posts can be made per person per week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pitch this as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Giving &lt;strong&gt;everyone&lt;/strong&gt; an equal chance to sell their items&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this person attempts to see more than the agreed quota, simply delete the posts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would seem to be a simple solution that benefits the group and prevents the minority of people monopolising the page without singling people out for special attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's any complaints, remind people that it's ok to sell multiple items in a single post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T09:08:19.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6311" CreationDate="2017-11-06T10:21:13.333" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you should stop &lt;em&gt;feeling guilty&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are not entitled to your gifts. Your money is yours alone to spend on your friends. If they are not yet in your inner circle (of gift), they can't force their way in. You don't need to feel must to include them, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to explain this is to thank them for being such a good friend for &lt;strong&gt;x years&lt;/strong&gt;. That set an expectation for people that they won't receive gifts until they know you for at least x years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way is to mention what they've done to you that earn their way to your inner circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Chris, I thank you so much for being there when I was sick and all alone. I don't know what I can do without you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, you can avoid mentioning &quot;you're not close enough&quot;, but imply that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they feel offended by your not giving gift to them and &lt;em&gt;dare to mention it&lt;/em&gt;, I don't think you want to be friend with them. Simply tell them the &quot;requirement&quot; that your close friends have earned, &lt;strong&gt;without telling them that they haven't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T10:21:13.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6341" CreationDate="2017-11-06T12:31:36.500" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is really no way to confront someone (That's what you're doing) without it sounding at least somewhat confrontational. In essence you want to prompt the group to explain themselves, so you're already in a confrontational position. The only question is how they reply to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel strongly enough that something may be amiss, it's probably not a good idea to go around asking on your own, either. If there is something amiss seriously enough that you're considering intervening, then maybe you should be deferring to either the bus conductor or calling the police instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, this is not your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T12:31:36.500" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3869" CreationDate="2017-11-06T12:32:52.330" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;To me the key is whether the apology is something you are trying to get from the interaction. Often, all I want from a business or government agency is a genuine apology and acknowledgement of the trouble they've caused me. Other times, I don't care about that and want a refund, or compensation of some kind, and if the whole thing is rancorous and unpleasant throughout I don't care as long as the money gets sorted out. So you need to know what you want from this interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want the apology, then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As you know, I was delayed/hurt/inconvenienced/cheated by your company/department/staff and rather than pursue a legal settlement or take my complaints to the press, I have written and asked for a sincere apology. I have not received one. All I need to know is that your company/department regrets what happened to me and agree it was wrong. It would also be nice to know you are changing things so this won't happen to others. Are you able to tell me those things?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adjust according to what you need from them, but do not list what you don't like about your non-apology such as it was too long or you don't believe it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you actually want a remedy and the poor pseudo-apology is no good to you, but probably a truly sincere good one wouldn't be either, just completely ignore it and ask for what you want:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As you know, I was delayed/hurt/inconvenienced/cheated by your company/department/staff and rather than pursue a legal settlement or take my complaints to the press, I have asked only for [remedy] which is something you should be able to do. Expressions of regret, sincere or not, do not compensate for my troubles [or get me to Winnipeg, or whatever you want them to do] and that is what I want you to focus on. How are you remedying my situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on what you want. Anything they do or say that isn't about what you want, well, it isn't about what you want. Spending your time and energy correcting something irrelevant helps no-one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T12:32:52.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6352" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6341" CreationDate="2017-11-06T12:37:58.310" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what you're trying to do is unavoidably going to result in what you're describing as a &amp;quot;conflict&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wanted to intervene to find out if the girl is OK.  Well it's pretty close to impossible to do that &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; not have the other people pick up that you think they might be up to no good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think all you can do is say &amp;quot;Are you all right ?  Do you want some help ?&amp;quot; to the young girl directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the teenagers object just state as plainly as possible that you just want to be sure she's OK as their loud discussion make you a bit concerned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; situation like this you have to be prepared to stand your ground.  Backing out achieves nothing.  You must also be prepared to accept the possibility that you cannot control escalation by someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can do to minimize the possibility is to be calm and adopt a reasonable and non-aggressive tone that is firm.  No physical gestures, no raised voice, no bad language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Little girl, are you hungry?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am assuming they used a name, because if they didn't and actually addressed her as &amp;quot;little girl&amp;quot;, then it would be a red flag immediately that something could be wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop talking, people can hear us... This weirdo (gesture at me) is staring at us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, I was staring, and obviously that wasn't the best method but I will explain it away as subconscious since I was about/attempting to engage in a conversation with them. This confrontation threw me off, I awkwardly looked away and put in headphones until eventually they left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was actually the moment you should have said in a firm and confident tone &amp;quot;From what I've overheard I'm becoming concerned this young girl is OK with you.  Where are you taking her ?&amp;quot; and winged it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid if you're not confident enough to assert yourself like this you should not do anything direct.  You must be confident and able to remain clam and you must be willing to handle conflict.  It's not a matter of simply knowing what to say - there's no script for this sort of thing.  It's more a matter of being able to assert yourself and that does require self-confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it happens these were all minors.  Legally you're probably better off telling the police (as you did) and letting them handle it.  Taking a photo with your smart phone might have been useful.  These days confrontations with minors are best left for more obvious situations - they're clearly threatening someone or being overly abusive to someone or something like that.  Anything else is too ambiguous for civilians.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T12:37:58.310" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6261" CreationDate="2017-11-06T13:15:39.843" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I explain to people that I am not intentionally being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taken straight from your profile: &lt;em&gt;Black-belt in sarcasm, sardonicism, and dark humor.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it's part of your personality, why wouldn't you just use that, and &lt;strong&gt;be yourself&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Issues of no importance should be dealt with seriously, and serious matters should be light-heartedly dealt with,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(1)&lt;/sup&gt; said French writer &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alphonse_Daudet&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Alphonse_Daudet&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you realize you miscued, you could go along the line of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Really?! That's what you meant? I'm glad I'm on the spectrum, otherwise, I would have understood right away, and missed that lovely and funny staring look you just gave me :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Wow! The best part about being ASD is that it allows me to miss a lot of stuff, like I just did. Although it can seem weird to some people, sometimes, I love it and couldn't live without that anymore, you know. Wait! But that's me, so I can't anyway... :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, and depending on the person's reaction, you can tell them more, apologize, explain... It's entirely up to you. You don't have to &lt;em&gt;excuse it&lt;/em&gt;, but you can choose to let people know. With your own words. At the time &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; decide to bring it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't do that with everybody, though. But it shows that you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Understand and acknowledge you made a mistake / were rude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inform the person why it happened, out of your control.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let them know you can't change, because it's part of you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why would it work? Maybe because &amp;quot;self-mocking&amp;quot; jokes are usually so awkward that people are stunned. It stops the flow. It's distracting the attention of those present and divert the whole focus of your &amp;quot;mistake&amp;quot; and points to your disorder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, you can take the lead, and tell them what you want/need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do this quite often. And it works quite well, if people are first stunned, then smile. Just replace &amp;quot;ASD&amp;quot; with &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;selfish and arrogant idiot&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; in my case, which is a much more deprecating disorder :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Last but not least&lt;/strong&gt;: it's not your fault if you suffer from a disorder. You have to live with it, deal with it. But I know by experience that people are more willing to listen and show empathy if you let them know with some wry humour. That's life... shrug...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. roughly translated, as best as I can, to keep the spirit of the quote.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Off-topic, but you do a great job at TWP.SE and I enjoy reading your answers. Are you different? Yes. Sometimes. Like all of us. Does it make you less valuable? &lt;strong&gt;NOT AT ALL&lt;/strong&gt;. Different people, different POV, different cultures, different level of skills and experience. All valuable. All respectable. Period.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T13:15:39.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-11-06T13:51:51.000" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to &lt;em&gt;ease into it&lt;/em&gt; while admitting that they are for you, and being able to get proper advice etc., you could say “I'm in a community theater production of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinky_Boots_(musical)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Kinky Boots&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; and need help figuring out the clothes.” you can be outwardly nervous and they'll see that in-character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The production earned a season-high 13 nominations and 6 Tony wins, including Best Musical and Best Score …&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've heard my young neice and others singing from it, and people quoting lines from it in the same manner as they use movie quotes.  It’s &lt;em&gt;popular&lt;/em&gt; and it’s &lt;em&gt;fun&lt;/em&gt;.  The general public see it in a positive light.   “Sex Is in the Heel” became the first Broadway song to reach the top 10 of the Billboard club charts in 25 years, and the cast album won a Grammy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, it’s &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinky_Boots_(musical)#Synopsis&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;about&lt;/a&gt; cross dressing and a shoemaker who saves his business by going after this market: making “women’s” shoes that fit men, so I thought that was fitting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So take advantage of the public awareness and acceptance, and &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/GAMIifAVro0&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;♫ &lt;em&gt;Pump it up!, pump it up! ♫&#xA;Till it’s ostentatious&lt;/em&gt; ♫&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8073" LastEditorUserId="8073" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T13:56:22.257" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T13:56:22.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6356" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6359" CreationDate="2017-11-06T14:07:32.173" Score="17" ViewCount="5376" Body="&lt;p&gt;Usually, when I am by myself, I am a very calm and peaceful person. I can easily just be where I am and enjoy what is happening, maybe the sun shining, the air being especially clear or my room just being cozy. I can easily be content while being with my thoughts and I have found a lot of ways to relieve boredom by now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I have noticed that I am nothing like that when I am around people. And it doesn't matter if they are strangers or friends or even my parents. I am fundamentally more conscious of myself and all of my thought is pointed on the interaction between me and those people. I frequently play through various tiny scenarios in my head to decide how to approach the next conversation or what I am going to say next. But of course, as soon as something unexpected happens, my plan does not apply very well anymore and often what I say or how or when I say it turns out awkward or even kind of rude. Or just plain embarassing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is always different depending on the people I am with. When I am with strangers (on the bus or at a restaurant) it is easy for me to zone out because there is not really any interaction. Even when I have to ask a stranger about anything I don't hesitate too much because I know exactly what I have to say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I am having trouble with is people at my own age. I am 19 years old and I have always been a rather reserved person, but lately I can't even enjoy myself anymore when going out with friends or when I am having friends over or anything. Even with friends I have known for years I am always nervous and extremely conscious of what I do or say. When I am showing my friends a song or a movie or anything it feels like that thing is taking forever and I don´t even like what I have been so enthusiastic about anymore. Often, when I spend more that 2 days with the same people, I end up with a headache because I can never relax.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is extremely frustrating for me and I am losing contact to most of my friends because of this now, because I simply can't socialize with them. I would like to simply be the way I am when I am alone, when I am relaxed, free thinking and creative. But I have not found a way to do this yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried to at least stay with the group and listen what the others are talking about but this was only more frustrating because most of the time they would talk or even fight about irrelevant nonsense. This caused me to go into &quot;isolation mode&quot; where I would not listen anymore and simply sink in depressive thoughts about how I can not relate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worst part is probably, that I have avoided a lot of activities that require people to connect and work/talk with each other, which is why my hobbies are few and best done alone(programming, drawing, listening to my style of music, but mostly programming) by now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think what I am looking for is a way to find interest in things that you can do with friends, while having to deal with this anxiety towards people. I would like to connect with people again, but I can never manage to act like myself when interacting with them. I am constantly hung up in &quot;meta-thoughts&quot; about what I should do, how I am doing or why I am doing it like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3390" LastEditorUserId="3390" LastEditDate="2017-11-06T14:13:37.557" LastActivityDate="2020-04-21T23:49:11.877" Title="How can I relax and stay natural around other people?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;activities&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6341" CreationDate="2017-11-06T14:10:38.820" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you said in the comments is relevant for my answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Directly asking the girl shows the group that i suspect everything IS NOT alright, and that puts the group in an opposing position to me and would likely but in and say &quot;mind your own business&quot;. I would prefer to phrase it in a way that better avoids conflict.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to understand the reason why you feel the need to address this in the first place. If you're suspecting that this girl is not in safe company, and you happen to be right, &lt;strong&gt;those teenagers are antagonists&lt;/strong&gt; (to the girl), and confrontation will be impossible to avoid (I doubt five teenagers who are indeed up to no good will just roll over when a random stranger asks them a question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Defending someone inherently means opposing those who attack or endanger that person (even if only conversationally or figuratively).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't mean that you should recklessly antagonize the teenagers (they are innocent until proven guilty), but that does justify the &lt;strong&gt;necessity&lt;/strong&gt; of checking that the girl is allright.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a cop shies away from interrogating a suspect because they might get offended by bein interrogated, then the cop is not fulfilling his duty. Investigating to see if the girl is allright makes you a &quot;social cop&quot; for a brief moment, so the same is true for you: do your duty (within obvious legal, moral and ethical boundaries, of course).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;At worst&lt;/strong&gt;, you will have come across as a bit of a nosy stranger. While this can be awkward, you haven't really done anything reprehensible.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;At best&lt;/strong&gt;, you've ensured the safety of a girl who could otherwise have ended up in a dangerous or scary situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also, if the girl responds with &quot;yeah&quot; it makes it more difficult to ask follow up questions, when there could still be an issue (she is too young to truly know what is best for her, she may be happy to run around the town with drunk strangers)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to follow up after she says yes (because you're still not convinced), don't ask another question. She has already given you a clear answer, and repeating the question can come across as manipulative (i.e. that you won't stop until you get the answer you're expecting).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do, however, is make conversation and making innocent inferences (not implying that the teenagers are up to no good). Children generally fill in the blanks, especially since they don't know how easily they can fool a stranger. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Little girl, are you alright?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Yeah&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Are you on the way to [the zoo] with your brothers and sisters?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're playing the role of a kind but misguided stranger. This works even if there is no zoo in your current location. You're intentionally making a mistake, to elicit a response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, the teenagers aren't all siblings either (which is another intentional mistake). But that's not the point of your question. You're saying something that sounds like an innocent assumption, and are waiting to see &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; the child corrects you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's hesitant about describing what's really going on, then you can infer that something is up.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If she seems confident in her correction (&lt;em&gt;&quot;No, [he] is my brother and the others are his friends&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or even &lt;em&gt;&quot;No, they're just my friends&quot;&lt;/em&gt;), then you know that at the very least &lt;em&gt;the child thinks that they're not doing anything wrong&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, this works because you're relying on the child's moral compass. If the child has already said &quot;yes&quot; to your first question, then either (1) she is actively hiding something or (2) nothing wrong is happening here.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If (1) is the case, then she will likely hesitate while explaining her situation. In such a case, keep in mind what just happened: a stranger approached her and immediately poked through to something she had been keeping hidden (i.e. being up to no good). That should at the very least elicit some hesitation in her response.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If (2) is the case, then she won't hesitate since there's nothing to hide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, inbetween you making that wrong inference and the child correcting you, you can also observe the teenagers.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Are they worried that the child will reveal something she's not supposed to? Do they try to interrupt the conversation or speak for her? Do they look afraid of getting caught redhanded? Are they continuing their conversation or are all eyes focused on you now?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Or are they simply annoyed by your presence, without trying to hide anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can never truly prove that something is amiss, but you can &lt;strong&gt;gauge if the kids are behaving suspiciously&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to summarize:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're morally allowed to ask the first question because the end (potentially keeping a girl safe) justifies the means (asking a direct question to a stranger).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you feel hesitant after the initial response, you can subtly gauge for suspicious behavior without provoking the group with prodding questions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit - about the misdirection&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In regard to IPS, I tend to avoid implicit conversation and subtle misdirections. It generally creates more problems than it truly solves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this is a special case. You're trying to ascertain whether or not the teenagers are up to no good (intentionally or not, doesn't matter). If they are &lt;em&gt;intentionally&lt;/em&gt; up to no good, then directly confronting them makes it easier for them to lie or push you out (e.g. yelling &quot;stranger danger&quot; to get rid of you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By indirectly approaching the subject and not being overt about your intentions (by making a well-meaning but wrong inference), you make yourself appear like less of a threat and more just a friendly weirdo (which is how the teenagers will see you).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Essentially, you're playing the good cop (&lt;em&gt;&quot;What you're doing is normal.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;) and not the bad cop (&lt;em&gt;&quot;I know you're up to no good.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2017-11-06T14:22:45.870" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T14:22:45.870" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6358" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6326" CreationDate="2017-11-06T14:43:00.240" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the common answer of taking a picture of his car/license is probably the best approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you don't have a cell phone present, I would try going back and forth opposite his car i.e. when the car is following you, do a 180, when it reverses do a 180 again, repeat until he decides the transmission wear/damage is not worth the effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8415" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T14:43:00.240" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6356" CreationDate="2017-11-06T15:10:02.707" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Development of self-awareness can be quite useful throughout the rest of your adult life. Balancing that awareness with self-criticism can help you to become effective regardless of the social situation. Consider the following thoughts: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do your best to be calm. You seem to have some self-doubt (&quot;can't enjoy myself&quot;, &quot;always nervous&quot;). Perhaps allowing yourself to be uncertain, without being self-critical would help alleviate your nervousness.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are not alone. Most successful people have experienced some self-doubt. Have some way to mitigate those feelings uncertainty, whether it's deep breathing or internal empathy (&quot;It's okay to be unsure.&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Take breaks if necessary. Sometimes just &quot;stepping out for a moment&quot; will let you clear your head. You said you like fresh air (&quot;the air being clear&quot;); don't hesitate to excuse yourself, get some fresh air and come back refreshed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Others may judge you less than you suspect them to. If you are shy or self-conscious, that nature may amplify the temptation to believe others wish ill for you. A simple survey of random people (no need to do this, although it may prove enlightening) could show that most persons surrounding you don't pass their time by passing judgement. Choosing to acknowledge this principle may lighten the perceived social burden you place on yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All other things considered though, give yourself grace to take small steps as consistently as you can. You can walk great distances one step at a time - you can make the life change you desire using consistent small steps as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8419" LastEditorUserId="8419" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T18:30:55.237" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T18:30:55.237" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6311" CreationDate="2017-11-06T15:18:39.227" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since I can't comment on your internal conflict (guilt, etc.), one practical step I've seen have great success is to &lt;strong&gt;have a written budget&lt;/strong&gt;. While I suggest everyone write out their budget fully - that is beyond the scope of your question ... in this case, simply having a set (written, if realistic) budget for gifts opens up many useful options: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Apologize (if you like) as your budget does not allow for further process.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give smaller gifts, as the budget allows.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Simply don't purchase a gift, having the budget as a reasonable backing for your actions. (There is no need for you to justify your actions - unless there are social implications I'm not aware of - so rather than preemptively apologize, simply have an apology ready if required.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8419" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T15:18:39.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6363" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6368" CreationDate="2017-11-06T16:30:35.310" Score="10" ViewCount="1499" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm frequently tasked with working on projects that need fleshing out in order to become viable products. For instance, when creating reports for a specific cost analysis, changes are usually needed in order for the end result to be usable in specific meetings with key people throughout the business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have this CFO who loves my reports, and honestly believes I can do anything and everything with our software. Although I usually can do a lot of the items he wants in a relatively short period of time, there are cases in which he decides that the completed project isn't completely to his liking, and changes it at a whim. This is definitely not isolated to my company, but I can honestly say I haven't had a complete scope change on a report before I met him. Regardless, that's not really the issue here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue comes when he tacks on extra features, and I have other projects that need to be worked on as well. For example, I will be working on a report for one of our managers, and he will ask for another feature added to the report I just finished for him, because he had the time to go over it. His changes are substantial and usually induce long periods of time solving and scaling the problem for future use. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To summarize, he's a notorious scope creep, but obviously (being my boss' boss) I cannot tell him &quot;Sorry, I'm working on something else right now, I can get to your item when I'm finished&quot; because his reports are usually a higher priority. It's not that he's unhappy with the finished product, he just usually sees it and feels that he could add something new to make it even better. This always results in my boss being upset that I didn't finish that manager's task, and due to this, projects tend to pile up. I have a to-do list that both my boss and the CFO can check, so it's not like the information is foreign to either of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for a strictly IPS solution, and specifically I'm looking for how to deal with his requests and how to not just say &quot;I'm busy, go away&quot; sort of dealie. To escalate this issue (which would be the Workplace.SE answer), I'd need to go to the CEO, and although I know that everyone in executive management has spoken about this, the CEO is also guilty of it. I don't really know how to tell him that there's other projects I need to work on before I can make his changes and am really looking to speak with him about it in a way he not only understands, but that doesn't run the risk of me sounding rude or dismissive of his project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tactfully talk to a CFO about preventing scope creeping from someone in an executive position without losing my job?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I understand there's a lack of communication in management, but that is not something I can easily fix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T12:18:53.147" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T14:56:14.413" Title="How can I tactfully talk to a CFO about preventing scope creeping?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6333" CreationDate="2017-11-06T17:31:42.367" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, as other posts suggest, make sure your rules are specific about what your expectations are. It may be sufficient to just make some rule changes and announce them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But personally, I would come up with a several-step plan to deal with this. You can keep this plan for any other occurrence of this sort of violation. Since this person is an acquaintance only, I would treat them more-or-less as a stranger (courteously, of course!). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But perhaps something &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Kindly ask the person to please observe the rules.&lt;/strong&gt; This can be considered a courteous notification.  (You have already done this step in this case.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Give a more proper warning.&lt;/strong&gt; Be firm this time, and clearly state the violation with some specific examples.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Delete offending posts and notify them.&lt;/strong&gt; At this point, you have taken matters into your own hands and are modifying their interactions on the site.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Block them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, &lt;em&gt;your list will probably look different than mine.&lt;/em&gt; I wouldn't publish this, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional factors:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In each scenario, what kind of offense is it? Other posters have mentioned some much more serious offenses which destroy community: deal firmly and quickly in these cases.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How much time/care do you want to devote to this? The list above is assuming you want to have that personal touch and you have time to do it. If you don't, then your approach should be much briefer. There is nothing wrong with strictness if the expectations are clear.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2214" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T17:31:42.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6363" CreationDate="2017-11-06T20:08:22.893" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;When dealing with conflicting deadlines from different managers it can sometimes help to just be honest about your other tasks and ask them to set the priority. As in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would be happy to do X for you,  but I've also been asked to do Y by SoAndSo. Which would you like to have done first?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives them the opportunity to weigh the importance of what they're asking you to do and makes it clear that their request may create a backlog that they may want to address or reassign to someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More or less it gives management the opportunity to manage, which is usually a good way to keep yourself out of trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T20:08:22.893" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6326" CreationDate="2017-11-06T20:24:26.393" Score="62" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be careful!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This guy is engaged in fairly predatory behavior, and there is little reason to trust his &lt;em&gt;neighborhood watch&lt;/em&gt; story. While his behavior as described might not be strictly illegal, it is threatening and it might escalate. He is not guaranteed to stay in his car, maintain any social norm, or to not use physical force. Strictly IPS solutions to this situation are &lt;em&gt;dangerous&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good situational awareness is key here. Do not approach his car to a proximity that quiet conversation is possible, this is too close. He will speak up to talk if only communication is desired. Be aware of other people in the area. Know where you would run to, such as a more public place or neighbors house. Please carry a cell phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Record the time and date of this interaction and future ones. Record any descriptive features about the person you can remember. Hair color, build, tattoos, car make and model, descriptive features about the vehicle, etc... Remember that no phone is necessary to record a license plate number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the poop patrol story is true, this guy is not in a hurry to make friends, and probably is not well regarded by many of your neighbors. A more profitable social strategy would be to talk to your neighbors about the off-putting interaction. Bonus points for discovering the guy's identity from them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nobody has had a similar interaction, make a police report about it, as this is a strange person engaging in threatening behavior around your new home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2103" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T20:24:26.393" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="56" CreationDate="2017-11-06T20:40:37.160" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just be straightforward, and honest. You could do it by email if you don't want to do it in person. A simple message stating how you feel about the incident, followed by an apology will do. I'm sure the other person will respond with their thoughts about what happened, and how they feel about it. Whether that person will accept your apology, or not, is upto them. But you tried, and that counts. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8430" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T20:40:37.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6371" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6372" CreationDate="2017-11-06T22:23:58.053" Score="8" ViewCount="949" Body="&lt;p&gt;So not too long ago I was sitting in the living room and needed to quickly look something up on the internet. There weren't any of my devices (phone, tablet) near me, but my younger sister's phone was there. I decided to quickly use it to look something up. (And that's exactly what I did, I only opened an internet browser, looked something up and immediately put the phone away when I found the answer.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later that evening my sister saw that someone had used her phone to look something up. I told her that I quickly used it to look something up.&#xA;My sister wasn't exactly happy that I used her phone to look something up and made that pretty clear to me.&#xA;I personally don't see what exactly was wrong with it. It wasn't something weird that I was looking up and I didn't open any other apps except for the browser.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I now know that my sister really doesn't like what I did, but &lt;strong&gt;in general is it OK to use someone's phone to quickly look something up?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for clarification my sister and I are on good terms and always have been. I don't think it matters, but just in case I live in The Netherlands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3491" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-11-06T22:39:54.220" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T15:00:36.440" Title="Is it acceptable to use someone else's device to look something up without their permission?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6371" CreationDate="2017-11-06T22:32:11.717" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, it's not ok to use someone's phone or device without asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, it's not ok to use other people's belongings without permission, and I think it's often more so with their devices because there are potential privacy concerns. It would have been really easy for you to see something that you shouldn't have by simply opening the device revealing whatever website, conversation, or app that was left open. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also... Even if something isn't rude generally speaking it becomes rude if you've been asked not to and do it and do it anyway. It shows disregard for the person who asked you not to do it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T20:51:45.223" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T20:51:45.223" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6371" CreationDate="2017-11-06T23:04:17.397" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, it's not ok to use someone else's phone or device without asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a way to think it through. If I told you I hacked into your bank account, took all your money, but then I immediately returned all of it and I promise I didn't do anything with it ... you'd still be freaked out, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it's not about what you did. It's about a) how you didn't get permission b) how you could have done something bad and she wouldn't know it. That is an uncomfortable feeling, regardless of what you did or didn't do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8436" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T23:04:17.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6374" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6371" CreationDate="2017-11-06T23:19:27.530" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not OK unless the device is clearly used by the whole family and is considered &quot;public&quot;, which this one clearly wasn't, hence why you called &quot;sister's phone&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phones can have some pretty private stuff on them, so a lot of people would be pretty upset if someone was using their phone without asking. (Now, why didn't she just have a passcode or the eye scan to prevent this sort of thing I don't know)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-11-06T23:19:27.530" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6375" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6417" CreationDate="2017-11-07T01:42:29.750" Score="42" ViewCount="10638" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently got a tattoo of a semicolon on my wrist. If you haven't heard of semicolon tattoos &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.grammarly.com/blog/why-a-semicolon-tattoo-is-the-most-beautiful-tattoo/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here is a link to a website&lt;/a&gt; that explains it better than I could. The TL;DR is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you, and the sentence is your life&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically it is a reminder to not commit suicide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, it's a bit of a personal meaning, which I am fine discussing, but it's also a little intense to spring on someone from an innocent question about my tattoo. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to handle questions from friends and coworkers? The conversations usually start something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Is that a tattoo? What is it of?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; A semicolon.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; What? Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My closest friends know about my struggle with depression, but many of my &#xA;acquaintances don't, and none of my coworkers do. I work in a fairly professional setting as an Engineer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears that I wasn't super clear as to how I ideally would want the discussion to go. @Taegost articulated my goals better than I could &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6417/8441&quot;&gt;in this answer&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It sounds to me like you want to be open about it, but to start off the conversation on a light note, trying to keep it from being awkward while still allowing the conversation to progress naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal here is to be open and talk about it/my story/mental health as a whole without sucking people into a pretty dark rabbit hole from an innocent question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8441" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T16:04:40.080" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T14:18:55.650" Title="Handling questions about new tattoo from friends and coworkers" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-07T02:16:25.143" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;That's a pretty good reason to get a tattoo, but like any tattoo you don't really have to explain it to &lt;em&gt;everyone.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of my tattoos are equally meaningful to me, but I rarely give people the full context. Sometimes it works to just tell people what the symbol is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's just a semicolon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's not enough, you can go slightly deeper without letting on too much:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's just a semicolon, they can be used between two closely related independent statements. Sort of a way of marking the transition between one part of life to the next while reminding myself that the two parts are still connected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you prefer you can always deflect with humor:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's just a semicolon, they can be used between two closely related independent statements. Like &quot;You sure are nosy &lt;em&gt;semicolon&lt;/em&gt; you should mind your own business.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T02:16:25.143" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-07T09:25:15.030" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wanted to chip in my thoughts on this. There are several layers of meaning to the tattoo, and you could happily reply to the quizzical colleague or friend with either of them that best suits your relationship with that individual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might simply opt for something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just liked the look of a semi-colon, one of grammar's least&#xA;  appreciated symbols.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might be appropriate for someone you don't know too well. Or alternatively for someone your perhaps closer to you might opt for simply stating that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am an advocate of supporting mental health awareness and the&#xA;  semi-colon represents my willingness to support the cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This simply tells the person asking that you are passionate about a cause but doesn't give away that perhaps the semi-colon has a deeper meaning to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8451" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T20:47:04.100" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T20:47:04.100" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5222" CreationDate="2017-11-07T09:57:16.883" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try to create new activities/hobbies in which she can be interested. Maybe ask her opinion or help in some projects etc. From that point ask her more what she wants to do in the future, does she have a plan, what she would really like to do/achieve, what does scare her etc. I would focus more on the future and try to find the things in which I could help her or get involved.I think that kind of actions will show her that you are not only interested to spend time at the moment but you are interested in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7882" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T09:57:16.883" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-07T10:03:40.943" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you chose a tattoo, that has a deeper meaning (which is not obvious at first glance) -&gt; that's, of course, raising interest or questions in others, so don't be mad at them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, your answer depends on the purpose of the tattoo:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;to make a statement to others (if it's exposed and easily visible, it can be seen by others as a statement) or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;as a reminder for yourself (a memory, a life experience)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think your answer should match its purpose. If you did get the tattoo solely for yourself, just say so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted a tattoo that reminds me to stay positive/learn from the past/... while also looking delicate/small/beautiful/... So I got this semi-colon as a symbol for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your answer would differ if you wanted to make a statement, but I think, that's not true in your case. (correct me, if I'm wrong)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7530" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T20:46:07.397" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T20:46:07.397" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-07T10:32:06.273" Score="65" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a colleague (she then became a friend) who had a tattoo with a personal meaning... and that's precisely what she told people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yep, it's a semicolon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What? Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I like the symbol aesthetically, and it has a personal meaning to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(My friend later privately explained that it was some kind of message to her deceased father, so I guess it's roughly the same level of something not secret but that you can't lightly drop in conversation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will accept that and change the subject, as I did. If they insist, politely repeat it's personal and change the subject yourself. And at this point if someone keeps insisting, they're jerks and I really don't think you can do anything about it - except ignoring them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck with everything!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="281" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T10:32:06.273" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6385" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-07T10:37:02.150" Score="8" ViewCount="774" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I talk to people, sometimes they will insult me, mock me or, make fun of me but I miss that this is what they are doing and laugh along with them. I do not do this all the time, I understand the obvious ones but from time to time more sneaky ones gets unnoticed. Sometimes I will realize after the fact or my wife will ask why I didn't say anything when they insulted me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, this often happens when that conversation is long over and the topic is closed etc. Now, if I confront them, it is weird because I already laughed with them and said nothing when they insulted me. I often have trouble explaining the problem without them seeing me negatively or thinking that my wife put me up to it. When I do manage to get past this, then they will simply ignore it: &amp;quot;it is water under the bridge...&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Why so much trouble for a very little inconvenience? we will not do it again if you say so&amp;quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought about changing the people. But it is not very plausible. Some of them are close family. I also seem to have this problem with enough people that it can't be solved by simply cutting a few people out of my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I miss the opportunity to address issues while they are happening. I later understand the issue and if I cannot ignore it, it starts to bug me and I want to open that topic again to handle it properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I bring up and old issue without making a fool of myself/creating an awkward situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example Dialog:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; I just bought this watch. Did you like it?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; Yes, it is cool. But did not they have a male version of it?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; This is already male version. Woman watches have smaller faces.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; Ah my bad, it is very nice (while everyone laughing)&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;and conversation continues...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note 1: This did not happen but I could not come up with an immediate example small enough to fit here. And this one covers the basic concept.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note 2: In my country (like many others), if you call a man &amp;quot;woman/female/girly etc.&amp;quot; it is an insult.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when I think about this conversation later, I figure out he meant to call me a woman and people were laughing at me. Not laughing him because he could not tell a man watch from a woman watch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And usually I let this go. But if this bugs me too much, &lt;strong&gt;how can I open this topic again?&lt;/strong&gt; My main problem with re-opening this issue is, I already kept talking to them as if nothing happened after the fact. Now returning back to that will be weird. I can imagine a number of possible ways it goes awkward:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Option 1)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, there is something bugging me since last night. You have called me a woman when I showed you my new watch. It made me sad.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; No, I did not say anything like that. I just asked a question. You are making up accusitions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Option 2)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, there is something bugging me since last night. You have called me a woman when I showed you my new watch. It made me sad.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; So you wasted your whole night just for a word I even don't remember saying? Then why you did not tell me right then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Option 3)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, there is something bugging me since last night. You have called me a woman when I showed you my new watch. It made me sad.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; I am sure your wife is provoking you. You were cool with that joke yesterday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Option 4)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, there is something bugging me since last night. You have called me a woman when I showed you my new watch. It made me sad.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; Ok, I am sorry. Are you happy now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, all the ways I can think of to approach this fails miserably. &lt;strong&gt;Is there any way to make this not so weird?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Sorry, this became a very long post but some explanation was requested.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8401" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-04-04T09:27:26.200" Title="How to bring up old problems" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;conflict-resolution&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-07T11:35:09.267" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could answer it without specifically relating it to yourself or your own experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“It’s a symbol to raise awareness about depression.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“It’s a symbol used to show support for people suffering from depression or taking their own lives.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn’t specifically say anything about you but answers the (I’m sure innocent) question from the other party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;:-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2007" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T11:35:09.267" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6385" CreationDate="2017-11-07T11:51:55.300" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer your question - &quot;how can I handle this?&quot; I would suggest that you may not need to, depending on how serious you perceive these insults to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether you have Aspergers or not, some people are just not very good at picking up on 'teasing'. It can depend on whether or not you were raised around siblings that poked fun at one another or insulted each other for a laugh. I myself was not raised that way, and I don't get that kind of joking around, but I have observed that some close friendships are based around constant teasing, sometimes even real insults. If it is this sort of behaviour you are seeing in others perhaps the real problem is not that you don't pick up on it, but that you don't really know how to join in and give it back? You said that some of these were family members - would family really insult you so as to hurt/upset you? I don't know your family, but possibly not - it could just be meant in fun and perhaps they expect to get a little bit back from you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand, after careful consideration, you are sure the insults are serious then are these people really your friends? If they are otherwise good friends and have shown themselves to be such then speak to them about how you feel. I wouldn't tell people you have Aspergers unless you had a diagnosis, but you should be able to tell true friends that you just don't like insults, even if they are meant in fun. But if you can do without these kind of 'friends', many will tell you that you don't need 'toxic' relationships in your life, and maybe you should get rid. But don't cut off true friends without a good reason! Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T11:51:55.300" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6389" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6391" CreationDate="2017-11-07T12:31:22.307" Score="31" ViewCount="11809" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes a person confesses to me in a conversation something that I don't know how to react to due to my sheer ignorance and lack of interactions with these people. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person X: What are you eating?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I: Chicken fillet!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X: Whao!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X: But I'm a vegetarian, if you'd like to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, I'm not sure how to react. So my best reaction possible is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I: Ahhh~~~~&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I: Oh~~&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is because I have little or no knowledge of vegetarianism (and its siblings like veganism) and have rarely met such people in my life. Other such examples include LGBT, Christianity, Islam, refugees, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These cases come almost always from my interactions with foreign citizens; even though 99.99% of the people I have interacted with in my life are people from my own country, the vast majority of these cases happen in my interaction with foreigners (that's why I'm not sure how to react), and I have encountered few or no such people from my own country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;That doesn't mean these people don't exist in my country. They exist, but usually conceal their identities since they are still considered socially unacceptable or despised, or they live in a rather segregated way. I have no problem with these people but just am not sure how I should react.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I feel there is a better way to react. My questions are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In these cases, if I just react by &amp;quot;Ahhhh~~~~&amp;quot; as I fail to come up with anything to respond, what kind of impressions do I make on the person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is there any better way to react in these cases, without offending them? (At least I'm more inclined to believe it is rather rude to ask a question abruptly, such as &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;Why did you become a vegetarian?&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T20:22:33.170" Title="How can I react better if someone confesses their identity that I have little or no knowledge of?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6389" CreationDate="2017-11-07T13:13:39.600" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short answer&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;Quickly change the topic of conversation to something with a better comfort level for you&lt;/em&gt;.  Sometimes people say stuff just to get a reaction out of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My assumption with this answer is the friend or acquaintance is looking for &lt;em&gt;shock value reactions&lt;/em&gt;, they don't realize what they are doing, or legitimately doesn't care that a particular topic makes you feel uncomfortable.  I have a couple of these in my life that &lt;em&gt;I call repeat offenders&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second category requires a bit of patience and perseverance on your part in order to maintain the relationship.  There are no easy, clever one-liners for these two dilemmas.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer is geared toward the first and third category, the more clueless or the one looking to shock you.  I handle these two scenarios like this:  I will respond with a bit of a drawn-out &quot;Okkkkk&quot;, and then change the subject &lt;strong&gt;quickly&lt;/strong&gt; to something without the awkwardness or controversy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people make statements like those you pointed out just to have the spotlight of the conversation on them, by anticipating your response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when an odd comment is made during a conversation, try &quot;Okkkkk, how about that movie we saw last night&quot;, &lt;em&gt;and ignore statements like&lt;/em&gt;, &quot;I am vegetarian and man am I enjoying this bison burger&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If attempting to change the subject to something more sensible fails, &lt;strong&gt;end the conversation&lt;/strong&gt;.  Keep doing this each time a person does this ( creates an uncomfortable situation ), and eventually, the individual will either figure it out or stop contacting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that this answer assumes a &lt;em&gt;bit of common sense&lt;/em&gt; in that as part of a friendship &lt;strong&gt;we all at a time have to step outside our comfort&lt;/strong&gt; zone and discuss things with a friend we may or may not be comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T20:27:53.643" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T20:27:53.643" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6391" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6389" CreationDate="2017-11-07T13:16:41.927" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In these cases, if I just react by &quot;Ahhhh~~~~&quot; as I fail to come up with anything to respond, what kind of impressions do I make on the person?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just the kind of impression you think you're making: That you don't really know how to react to the information. That's okay, but then it's up to you to keep the conversation going by providing a new subject to talk about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there any better way to react in these cases, without offending them? (At least I'm more inclined to believe it is rather rude to ask a question abruptly, such as &quot;Why did you become a vegetarian?&quot;)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know a lot about vegetarianism or veganism either, but when talking to such persons, my usual go-to to keep the conversation going is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I'm obviously not. But tell me more, what is your favorite recipe? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, asking a question shows that you're interested in the other person, that you respect their choice (pick the right question for that!). If you're still confused with the difference between veganism and vegetarianism, a question asking for an explanation of the difference like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I heard that before, but I also heard someone mention veganism. Is it the same or are there differences? What are they?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Will give the other person a chance to explain and talk about their 'interest' a little. Once you've had a nice little chat, and it seems the person is willing to explain some basic things, you might ask them 'Why did you decide to become vegetarian?'. &lt;strong&gt;Make sure it's clear that you're asking this out of curiosity and that the person on the other side of the line shouldn't expect a load of critique on their identity, and you'll be fine.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for topics like LGBT+ and religion, those are a bit more sensitive to talk about than vegetarianism, at least for me. My preferred reply to that is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I'll try to remember it, and be considerate of it. I must admit I have very little knowledge or experience on the subject, so please feel free to let me know if I say anything that is inappropriate. And if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you some questions? You don't have to answer them if they get too personal, but it will probably help me understand you/LGBT/Christianity better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But most of the time, from my experience, once people disclose they are &amp;lt; &lt;em&gt;insert something here&lt;/em&gt; &gt;, it means they are willing to talk about it. Just remember to be nice, and respectful. Never critique another person's identity but feel free to ask questions in a respectful way to gain a better understanding. As pointed out in the comments, a good rule of thumb is &lt;em&gt;'If it wouldn't be a polite topic with someone who is not &amp;lt; &lt;strong&gt;something&lt;/strong&gt; &gt;, it probably wouldn't be polite to bring up with someone who is'&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing, if you're uncomfortable discussing the things people are disclosing to you, it's okay to say that as well, and ask them to respect your boundaries and not push the topic on you! I've had to do that several times before when people wanted to discuss being LGBT+ with me, while I was raised a pretty strict Christian (homosexuality wasn't something to be talked about etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh. I'm not really comfortable discussing this topic. Can we change the topic to something else? Perhaps later I might be more comfortable discussing this with you, but for now, I'd really like to talk about something else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that you're willing to have a respectful conversation, but it also implies that if people keep pushing the topic, the conversation might escalate to 'not so nice'. You can explicitly warn them of this, when they keep pushing the topic on you. Accompany it with a chance of topic (nice weather huh?). Hopefully, this will help, otherwise there isn't much choice left but to terminate the interaction for a while. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T15:41:37.403" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T15:41:37.403" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6392" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6401" CreationDate="2017-11-07T13:30:17.497" Score="-10" ViewCount="847" Body="&lt;p&gt;This involves only latecomers in professional contexts like a physician, and differs from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/6287/2423&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't believe in saying nothing, as they may judge my silence as condonation of their lateness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I brainstormed the following utterances in increasing order of tact (i.e.  1.3 feels more tactful than 1.1), but they still feel too offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can I please ask why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you were late?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you arrived after the scheduled time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;why we didn't start at the scheduled time? This worried me not least because the wait will disrupt my schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T04:46:58.627" Title="What ought I say, if latecomers are silent about their lateness and don't apologize?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-03-28T02:30:05.697" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6392" CreationDate="2017-11-07T14:00:52.807" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was recently in a similar situation.  I had a doc appointment scheduled at 11:30, I arrived at 11:15 because I am polite and knew there would be some paperwork to fill out too.  When I arrived, I asked if the doc was running on time, and the receptionist looked at the monitor and replied, yep - he appears to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At noon, I asked, &quot;Can you see how much longer it will be?&quot;.  The person went back and checked something and told me &quot;not much longer&quot;....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Needless to say, this was a terrible experience.  I had tweaked my back, and need to see the doc, and I did:  at 12:40.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The long and short of the story is this:  &lt;em&gt;Sometime stuff happens that is beyond anyone's control&lt;/em&gt;.  In my case, I finally found out a doc called in sick and my doc was now double booked.  My choices here are to make a scene and leave or wait it out.  I choose to wait it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some cases, where no decent excuse or apologies are offered, &lt;strong&gt;I call it out&lt;/strong&gt;.  I say something like &quot;We had an appointment at X, and it is now X + Y&quot;.  Besides making me feel better, which it does at the time, the outcome is still the same.  The person is late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a professional setting if this is the normal behavior, &lt;em&gt;I find another professional to deal with&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T14:10:04.223" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T14:10:04.223" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6396" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-07T14:10:03.320" Score="47" ViewCount="13372" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a male nurse who comes to my house every so often to give me medication and observe me all day for any reactions. When he is here, he leaves pee puddles on the floor in front of the toilet (this is obviously urine - it is yellow). Due to my medical condition, it isn't easy for me to clean it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to talk to him about this and let him know that I'd like for him to clean up after himself. However, I'm unsure how to tactfully ask him to do this and would like advice on what to say to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do really like my nurse other than this problem of his. Requesting a different nurse is not really an option I want to consider. Having a nurse come into your home and stay with you the entire day is pretty awkward and I have been most comfortable with him, so far. He is also very skilled (the best nurse I've had) when it comes to administering my very complicated medication and I'd hate to lose him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: So, what I ended up saying was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, [person]? Sometimes when you pee, there's a little bit left on the floor in front of the toilet. Could you wipe it up next time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should have told him it was hard for me to clean up, but I neglected to add that part because I was so nervous. He did not really seem surprised by my request, but was apologetic and said he would wipe it up in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8464" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-06T19:16:55.403" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T19:16:55.403" Title="How to ask someone to not leave their pee on the floor when they use my bathroom?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6392" CreationDate="2017-11-07T14:13:48.507" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently had an experience where I made an appointment for a specified time, arrived on time, but wasn't seen until an hour and a half later. Very frustrating! I contemplated simply leaving, but I needed to see the person that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to know why, ask about the delay in impersonal terms. Perhaps there was a bad accident on their way there or the previous patient had complications, so you don't want to jump the gun and sound like you're accusing them personally of being incompetent or disrespectful of your time. (Even if you're grumpy enough to think that, it will be much more pleasant if you assume good faith!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I ask what the delay was?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's still asking for an explanation, but without making it personal (notice there is no &quot;you&quot; in the sentence). Of course, tone will make a big difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another idea is to make a guess and ask about that. This can help you develop a rapport and ease the interaction. I did this for my situation,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, seems like you guys are busy today. Did you get a lot of walk-ins?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which made the guy realize just how late they had gotten to me, he apologized for the delay, and then we had a topic for small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some situations, you might be able to speak to another person about the delay, such as a manager or a receptionist. &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6394/3171&quot;&gt;Mister Positive's answer&lt;/a&gt; has a good example of that. Talking to another person allows you to register your complaint but without having to confront the late person directly, which may not always be desirable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T14:13:48.507" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6398" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-07T14:14:25.940" Score="60" ViewCount="18075" Body="&lt;p&gt;This questioner is positioned with authority and power in a professional context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An elderly relative's mental illnesses cause stuttering and awkward behavior that probably explains her often being selected for further interrogation and luggage searches, where she often encounters reviling customs agents (in Canada and UK) who interrogate her on too personal questions, e.g.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why are you taking  medicine? Why are you refusing to tell me your specific illnesses?  Why are you being so uncooperative?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell me the names, addresses, and employment information of all your doctors, family and friends. You're being evasive, and I don't believe that your illnesses are causing your behavior. If you still don't answer, I'll flag them and get them questioned too. Then you won't only have a problem with me, but with them too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After they ask the first time, she will politely decline with the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I don't wish to answer these personal questions. I am exercising my right to silence. I will no longer answer questions on the same topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My medicines are clearly and correctly labelled by a pharmacy and with my doctor's names. I have nothing further to add to what I said. The same question was already asked and answered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But these answers are ineffective and sound too brusque, offensive. So what else tactful should she say?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Optional Supplement&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The agents only repeat the question, while intensifying their threats, aggressive harsh tone, and their angry ferocious appearance and face: all which causes her to break down and cry, before she calls one of us or they finally allow her entry. Such interrogations' effects are grievous: her illnesses are then worsened, last much longer and in some cases remain for days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The customs agents ignore her requests, or invent excuses, for her requests for a supervisor. They'll allege that no supervisor is free, or ridicule her request by asking why they should fulfill her requests if she's not answering them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T16:07:00.150" Title="How do you politely stand your ground against authority who repeatedly press a question that you declined to answer?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6396" CreationDate="2017-11-07T14:20:01.200" Score="64" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes there's no way to be tactful about something. I think this is such a case. You'd like the male nurse to be more mindful of the state they leave the bathroom in after they've used it. You're only going to achieve this goal if the male nurse becomes aware of their behaviour. Subtle hints may allow you to avoid a confrontation here, but in the end it will only make you feel worse when your subtle hints are not being understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, I would say something along these lines, in a warm and friendly tone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me [person], I wanted to make you aware of something. Several times now I've noticed that the floor was wet after you'd used the bathroom. I've been cleaning it up myself up until now but because of [medical condition] it's a little difficult for me to do so. Would you mind keeping a closer eye on it in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T14:20:01.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6398" CreationDate="2017-11-07T14:33:36.380" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Border agents are generally used to being obeyed, and I'm sorry to say that if they were to back down when someone refuses to answer their questions, they would &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;simply not be doing their jobs&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Furthermore, asking to speak to a supervisor would similarly be viewed as a delaying tactic. If they were to immediately bow to your request, this would become a common tactic by anyone wishing to avoid answering questions, so it's understandable that they don't comply immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, these people are trained to have to deal with the worst of us, and it shows. Their job is to ferret out illegal intentions, and goods, and you can't do that by being a goody two shoes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, the way they escalate the situation (getting louder, etc.) &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thestar.com/news/insight/2010/05/02/border_rudeness_maybe_the_jerk_method_doesnt_work.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;is a tactic&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; they are actually trained to engage in with reticent travelers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;“The theory in practice is that by somehow throwing people off guard and breaking their composure, one can `break’ them and have them reveal their criminal intentions,”&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not a tactic that you have to agree with, or even one you have to like. Even some experts think it's ineffective. However, you can't deny its use, and you need to understand that when dealing with border agents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking you should try to answer their questions to the best of your ability. Being glib will do you no favors. There's no good reason to refuse to tell them where you're going, or whom your doctor might be, and they will get suspicious if you refuse to answer. I do understand a reticence to not describe your exact medical condition, however answers such what you describe in your question are bound to set off alarm bells.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe instead try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Q:&lt;/strong&gt; Why are you taking medication? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;A:&lt;/strong&gt; An ongoing medical condition. I'm not as young and healthy as I used to be. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Q:&lt;/strong&gt; What is this medical condition? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;A:&lt;/strong&gt; That's between my doctor and I, however you can see that all my medication is appropriately labelled. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Q:&lt;/strong&gt; What's your doctor's name? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;A:&lt;/strong&gt; Dr. X, from Toronto. He is my family doctor, and is aware of all my medical history. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as she is seen as cooperative she should be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T15:17:07.947" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T15:17:07.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6392" CreationDate="2017-11-07T15:21:19.183" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the core ideas behind politeness and etiquette is that &lt;strong&gt;you assume no malice (or willful negligence)&lt;/strong&gt; when there is nothing to indicate malice or willful negligence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are perfectly reasonable explanations why the person in question was late, many of which are no justifiable cause to &lt;strong&gt;blame&lt;/strong&gt; them for being late. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you have a meeting with these people suggests that &lt;em&gt;meeting people is what they do for a living&lt;/em&gt;. Not every meeting's duration can be accurately estimated beforehand, many of these meetings are susceptible to the actual topic of discussion, and can vary in length based on the client/patient's situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, my doctor allows for online appointments to be made in 15 minute intervals. However, that doesn't mean that my doctor abruptly ends the consultation after exactly 15 minutes.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If an appointment ends up taking longer, then &lt;strong&gt;so be it&lt;/strong&gt;. The alternative (kicking out a patient) is much worse than a minor delay, and these delays should average out in the long term (some appointments take less than the scheduled 15 minutes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Saying nothing would forgive their lateness: but I refuse to, as their lateness is not pardonable, disrupts scheduling, and mentally distresses me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is pardonable&lt;/strong&gt;, especially if you don't know the reason for them being late yet!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It does indeed disrupt scheduling, but keep in mind that this affects the person's scheduling too! If you make an appointment with someone, and it gets delayed, &lt;strong&gt;all participants have to suffer the delay&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mental distress is not a fair argument here. You're exaggerating the issue. Unless your appointment was with a mental health physician about your oversensitivity to human error &lt;em&gt;(I concede that this comes across as a bit tongue-in-cheek, but it's the only acceptable scenario I can think of)&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Schedules can be delayed, they are not intentional nor malicious, and you need to learn how to deal with unintended accidents, or at the very least respond to them in an appropriate measure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'd first utter one of the following (&lt;strong&gt;interrogative&lt;/strong&gt;) statements&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you label such a question as &lt;strong&gt;interrogative&lt;/strong&gt; suggests that there is an underlying hostility to your question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That underlying hostility, when detected or inferred by the other person, would completely negate any polite phrasing you use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One of 1.1-1.3 would be followed by a second (&lt;strong&gt;declarative&lt;/strong&gt;) statement&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you move on to &lt;strong&gt;declarative&lt;/strong&gt; statements. Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why are you the one making a statement, when you're in fact unsure why this person was late? You're being presumptuous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The lateness worried me &lt;strong&gt;not least because&lt;/strong&gt; it will disrupt my scheduling and the wait wasted my time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Not least because&quot; is unnecessarily hostile.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A delayed appointment inherently leads to a disrupted schedule. That's the literal definition of a delay. You're stating the obvious, which comes across as complaining for the sake of complaining.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you have a valid complaint, use a &lt;strong&gt;concrete&lt;/strong&gt; justification. Don't say &quot;it wastes my time&quot;, say &quot;I have another appointment soon&quot;. Without a concrete complaint, the validity of your complaint is easily questioned.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to remain polite, you should never assume that the lateness was unwarranted, malicious or caused by willfull (or reckless) negligence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your intention is to reprimand this person for their lateness, any attempt at being polite has inherently failed before you've even said anything. &lt;strong&gt;It is the nature of your interaction that is offensive&lt;/strong&gt;, regardless of how you phrase it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are better ways to approach this, my preferred approach would be to &lt;strong&gt;casually&lt;/strong&gt; ask if the person is having a busy day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note the stress on the &lt;strong&gt;casual&lt;/strong&gt; nature of your request. You're asking a question out of &lt;strong&gt;curiosity&lt;/strong&gt;, not because you are owed an explanation or are trying to reprimand this person for being late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To summarize:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not assume malice or incompetence&lt;/strong&gt;. Be understanding that things sometimes don't work out the way you plan them. This applies to every living creature.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not try to reprimand this person for their lateness. You're not their mother, nor are you their boss. Before you act, consider what would happen if &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; end up running late for your next appointment with this person, for a completely understandable reason that is not your fault.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Although it would be polite for this person to explain why they were late, you are not &lt;strong&gt;owed&lt;/strong&gt; an explanation. If you imply (or outright state) that you are owed an explanation, then you come across as feeling entitled, which is nowhere near polite.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you have a valid issue with the meeting being delayed, use a &lt;strong&gt;concrete&lt;/strong&gt; explanation. Don't just try to argue the general point of how valuable your time is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Any hostility from your end, whether implicit or explicit, will dramatically affect the interactions with this person in the future.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're allowed to ask &lt;strong&gt;nicely&lt;/strong&gt; why they were late. If you wish to avoid coming across as intrusive, simply ask if they are having a busy day. This way, you come across as &lt;em&gt;interested in this person's wellbeing&lt;/em&gt; (i.e. their current stress level), rather than trying to berate them for not being on time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T15:34:15.277" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T15:34:15.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6398" CreationDate="2017-11-07T15:32:37.003" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having been interrogated in much more serious situations, and knowing a little about how these situations are supposed to work vs how they actually work, I would say that &lt;strong&gt;your relative is doing pretty much exactly what she should be doing.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Demanding personal medical information is an over reach, it's unnecessary, probably illegal, and certainly crosses the line into an abuse of power.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Responding with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My medicines are clearly and correctly labelled by a pharmacy and with my doctor's names. I have nothing further to add to what I said. The same question was already asked and answered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I don't wish to answer these personal &lt;strong&gt;medical&lt;/strong&gt; questions. I am exercising my right to silence. I will no longer answer questions on the same topic, &lt;strong&gt;without legal counsel.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Might be slightly better, as it's a little more direct about why she's refusing to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Officers typically don't like it when civilians assert themselves, but whether they like it, or not, civilians are allowed to. From &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/16/us/border-legal-rights-faq-trnd/index.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;CNN&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Am I allowed to speak with a lawyer?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're a US citizen:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.aclu.org/files/kyr/kyr_english_5.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the&#xA;ACLU&lt;/a&gt;, US citizens&#xA;are allowed to request a lawyer be present for any questioning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're a permanent resident or other foreign national with a visa:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.aclu.org/files/kyr/kyr_english_5.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;you're not&#xA;American&lt;/a&gt; you&#xA;generally don't have the right to an attorney unless you have been&#xA;charged with a criminal offense or the questions relate to something&#xA;other than your immigration status, Rizzo says.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once the questioning goes past the basics -- like where you traveled&#xA;or what you're bringing into the country with you -- to things like&#xA;your political beliefs or the contents of your electronic devices,&#xA;Wessler believes that all travelers, including non-citizens, have the&#xA;right to counsel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T16:39:31.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-07T15:36:44.320" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just my two cents. When they ask you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What? Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because there are people I care about that struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. A semicolon tattoo is a way to show support and understanding for people facing these issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that it is a personal subject for you without directly referring to yourself as facing these issues. It also helps raise awareness with other people, whereas some of the other answers provided simply avoid the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've demonstrated that this a personal subject, hopefully people will be sensitive enough to not pry into details, but if they do, just tell them that that information is private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T15:36:44.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6404" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6356" CreationDate="2017-11-07T15:52:14.040" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to be a lot like you, and still am sometimes. Here's what helped me with these thoughts and behaviours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Forgive yourself, almost everybody is way more insecure that it appears to be.&lt;/strong&gt; First and foremost, remember that all the people surrounding you struggle with similar nervousness. Maybe it's not exactly the same issue, maybe they are insecure of talking about their passions or showing up in tight clothes or dancing or whatever. The point is that appearances are never so deceptive as when comparing one's life to the others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take your time and personal space, if you need to: many introverted people find other people's presence energy-draining. It's useful to get to know when the energy limit is approaching to take a step back and spend some time by oneself, for instance by taking a walk alone during a trip with other people. This way you can &quot;recharge&quot; and not find yourself already tired in socially intense endeavours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be difficult to find discussion topics when doing nothing besides drinking around a table. Instead, you could try engaging in activities that are &quot;self-sustaining&quot;, like sports, boardgames or themed parties. One of my most enjoyable evenings was on a Christmas dinner... in July, 35 °C outside. We even decorated the tree :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I came to realize that I felt especially nervous around people with whom I didn't share a lot. It took me a while, but in the end I understood that with this specific set of people I was just &lt;em&gt;bored&lt;/em&gt;. Being very insecure made me think I was the one being wrong, but in hindsight it was just a matter of incompatibility. You mentioned some friends talking about &quot;irrelevant nonsense&quot;, might it be that you are bored as well? This is an important point: if you don't actually care about what they have to share, it will be difficult to have a natural conversation. Also, you can't be friends with everybody, it's ok not to feel connected with every person you meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This brings us to an important point: &lt;strong&gt;listening actively to what other people have to say&lt;/strong&gt;. This means being interested about what the other person has to share and react consequently (&quot;Oh, so what's like to have a dog? Did you ask for it or would you rather have a cat? Do you have to look after it?&quot; etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, my last and most important suggestion, which was really beneficial to me in the long term: &lt;strong&gt;engage in theatre classes&lt;/strong&gt;. Everybody is clearly and openly insecure, nobody is expected to be an expert, and you get to experiment around with social interactions in a safe environment. It's like a social sandbox. It also helps with a number of apparently unrelated issues, like being conscient of one's body and voice or accepting the possibility of making mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T15:52:14.040" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6398" CreationDate="2017-11-07T15:53:12.680" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is evident from your post that your elderly relative obviously has trouble conveying the information (referring in this instance to only the information she is legally obliged to provide) in a clear and contextualised manner because of her illness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, in turn, causes those individuals in a position of authority to become sceptical and increasingly assertive in their intent to determine the answers to their questions. Employing various tactics like repetition, tone assertion, etc., in order to try and get the information they need. Thus compounding the already difficult social interaction that your relative is experiencing, making it even harder to reply coherently to their questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realise that people in positions of authority can often go beyond what is reasonable in their attempts to ascertain the information they require. But we must also be aware that their job is to use methods within the remit of law to ensure the safety of other passengers, and the wider public as a whole from illegal, suspect, or dangerous items entering the country. In the context of this interaction game theory often applies. Where both parties have a clear goal; your elderly relative wants to ensure that her civil liberties are intact by avoiding evasive overreaching questioning, and the individuals in the position of authority are trying to ascertain as much information as they can from a person who comes across as withholding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of looking at this from an interpersonal perspective only, taking away legal issues here, I would suggest to your relative that should she/he be pulled away for further questioning during security checks that they firstly explain their problems with social interactions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I apologise, but I find social situations sometimes difficult to deal with, I will try my best to comply and answer your questions . . . &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then perhaps have a pre-written document that outlines all of the information regarding the various medicines that your relative travels with in as much detail as they are comfortable giving, and say the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;. . .But to help, I’ve written down all of the information I think you’ll need on this paper to help explain what these medicines are for, I am not trying to be difficult, it’s just the easiest way for me to tell you what you need to know.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then simply allow the person in a position of authority to assess the situation and go from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8451" LastEditorUserId="2452" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T20:25:00.420" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T20:25:00.420" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6407" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6298" CreationDate="2017-11-07T16:09:21.807" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would be honest about the situation, and try to offer an alternative. You mentioned that you are unable to join the WhatsApp group, is this due to data limitations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could ask them to contact you via e-mail. It appears that they are wanting to contact you about upcoming meetings, so doing it over e-mail or some other cheaper service may be easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point it seems like SMS is the only way for them to contact you while not in person, so providing an alternative would help them reduce the SMS usage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7463" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T16:09:21.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6389" CreationDate="2017-11-07T16:20:09.290" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't ignore/avoid the topic but drive it in a direction that makes sense.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason people are most likely mentioning things like the one you described in your scenario is that you directed the conversation to something that they are either not familiar/comfortable with or simply do not wish to further converse about for whatever reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understand that they may not have always taken offense at you but are simply unsure themselves on how to proceed with the conversation. (They might be feeling as awkward as you even.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this happens, your conversation partner is sharing something about themselves and sort of feeling you out and (even perhaps subconsciously) seeking your stance on the given identity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, a person would perhaps not wish to engage in further conversation with someone who has an aggressive stance against a core belief of said person etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is up to you to then drive the conversation in another direction&lt;/strong&gt; and often it is quite easy to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you mentioned that you've not had a lot of experience with dealing with such people a good way to drive the conversation further would be to further inquire about the given topic if appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example in the case of vegetarianism, you could respond with something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X: But I'm a vegetarian if you'd like to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Cool! Is there a vegetarian dish that you'd recommend that I could try sometime?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful with inquiries though as topics such as religion might be a touchy subject which they might not want to immediately discuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being upfront and honest about it always works as well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I've not had the pleasure of speaking to a lot of &lt;strong&gt;&amp;lt; identity &amp;gt;&lt;/strong&gt; previously so please let me know if I come off as rude or disrespectful in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8472" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T16:20:09.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6371" CreationDate="2017-11-07T16:27:56.900" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a very big no-no. Many people see their devices as an extension of themselves. Of all your possessions, how many of them do you carry on your person nearly every minute of every day? To many, using someone's device without asking is like using their arm without asking — weird, inappropriate and a very good way of creeping people out, and establishing a reputation as someone who doesn't understand social boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I'm coming from an American perspective, and while I'd imagine it's very similar in the Netherlands, it may a bit less extreme.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4736" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T16:27:56.900" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6410" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5977" CreationDate="2017-11-07T16:51:38.860" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sure you can find videos online of people dying because of poor safety. I know a couple of them, where you can see people lose limbs or even their lives, because they were careless. Show those videos, and say that this can happen to anyone playing with their safety. Don't spare them the gore videos. Show those too. They need to see the reality of poor safety at work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then give them some real talk. Ask them if it is worth it to leave their wife widowed, and their kids fatherless, because &quot;safety is not such a big deal&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would be my advice. Take it if it's of any benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8475" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T16:51:38.860" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6411" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6398" CreationDate="2017-11-07T16:57:47.757" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could use some preventative measures:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea would be for your elderly relative to come prepared with proper documentation coming from a figure of authority (legal and/or medical) that the customs officers would accept. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stating &quot;yes of course I have a complete file&quot; (and producing a thick stack of papers with appropriate rubber stamps) should present an interesting problem to a busy and hurried customs officer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Call said customs (or airport) and try to get hold of someone to talk to and explain the problem. Or talk to your local police. Or perhaps an association which helps people who have the same illness. Even if it is an uncommon one, someone somewhere has most likely already encountered the case and could help in listing the required documents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the customs your relative goes through has a procedure for handicapped/disabled then you can also check that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T18:26:28.617" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T18:26:28.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6396" CreationDate="2017-11-07T17:21:53.090" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think Cronax is right that this may be a situation in which you have to be direct, but as this may be a problem that occurs when others are over as well, and you do have a medical issue that exacerbates the problem, you may consider putting a sign over the toilet reminding guests to tidy up after themselves:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please ensure the area around the toilet is clean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this may be awkward under normal circumstances, I think your medical condition justifies going the extra mile. If you are comfortable doing so, you may even reference this on the sign:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is difficult for me to clean the bathroom, so I appreciate the consideration!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5130" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T17:21:53.090" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6389" CreationDate="2017-11-07T17:23:36.677" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they immediately say that they're a vegetarian when they see you eating meat, they seem to be expressing disapproval of your food choice. &quot;Can just I finish eating my goddamn meal in peace?&quot; is no good, it will cause offence. Instead, try &quot;Oh, is it OK if I keeping eating this chicken then?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must balance you much you want to befriend this person versus how annoying they are. If they are trying some passive-aggressive technique to change your dietary opinions, then they sound manipulative and irritating, and you should (gently) shoo them away. But if they are just unsure of what to say when they encounter someone eating meat, or they only want to tell you about themselves and eating meat happened to be the topic of conversation, then they're probably genuinely friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8477" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T17:23:36.677" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6389" CreationDate="2017-11-07T17:23:48.577" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not a vegetarian, but I am queer (LGBT), and from that perspective I would say that you handle these situations just fine. I might suggest you say something like &quot;Oh, Okay.&quot; This shows that you heard them but that this new knowledge about them doesn't really change your opinion of them at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually when someone tells a person that they're vegetarian, or LGBT, or whatever, it's just to inform them to avoid awkward situations later. A vegetarian might tell you they are a vegetarian because they want to avoid situations later on when you're all getting food and you suggest some place that doesn't have any non-meat options. Similarly, I let people know about my sexuality to avoid awkwardness in the future when someone asks me about whether or not I have a boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions are fine too, if you're curious, but I think a simple acknowledgement works if you can't find anything else to say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8478" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T17:23:48.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6396" CreationDate="2017-11-07T17:42:12.510" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know for sure if this wouldn't come off as weird or frivolous in other countries, but at least in Germany it is perfectly acceptable to put up a little sign in the bathroom that asks people to sit down on the toilet. There are indeed even metal plate signs and various more or less humorous postcards for those who are so inclined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/4nf1O.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/4nf1O.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Two example signs&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, put up a sign if you want to avoid confronting anyone directly. This also has the added benefit of subtly asking other guests to &quot;take a seat&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T17:42:12.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-07T18:00:38.370" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;sub&gt;There are some really good answers here, and I wanted to add my thoughts which are along a similar vein.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds to me like you want to be open about it, but to start off the conversation on a light note, trying to keep it from being awkward while still allowing the conversation to progress naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would respond to the question with something along the following lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is a symbol to help raise awareness and create discussion about mental&#xA;  health issues&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This helps by doing the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It explains the meaning in a clear, concise manner&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It gives an explanation in a neutral tone that shouldn't evoke a negative response from most people&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It leaves the conversation open for them to continue (or not) as they see fit&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're comfortable continuing the conversation and learning more, they'll ask, and you can get into the more intense stuff, and if they aren't, you'll usually get a &quot;Wow, that's really cool.  Good for you!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2760" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T18:22:31.463" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T18:22:31.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6398" CreationDate="2017-11-07T18:23:22.980" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;I admit it doesn't directly answer the question, but you should consider getting your relative prescreened if they're eligible.  There's a program called &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.cbsa-asfc.gc.ca/prog/canpass/canpassair-eng.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;CANPASS&lt;/a&gt; that allows &quot;low-risk, pre-screened travellers&quot; to enter the country faster and with less hassle.  I'm not too familiar with this program but I have several family members who participate the the US's equivalent program and if they're even remotely similar, your relative would likely have a &lt;em&gt;significantly&lt;/em&gt; less stressful time at customs.  You have to go through a more detailed interview during the application process, but it's much less stressful (you have a scheduled interview with a specialist, not an encounter with an overworked front-line agent facing a long line of travelers to process).  Once you get prescreened, you get an ID card that will let you access a special line or counter at customs that expedites the process.  Even at a smaller airport that doesn't have a priority traveler counter, customs agents tend to be a lot less harsh when they know the person has already been prescreened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone I know who participates the the US's version of this program highly recommends it for anyone who either travels frequently or has a medical condition (like surgical pins that look &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; suspicious on scans) that makes it difficult to go through the security or customs processes normally.  The only downside is that you have to plan everything several months in advance to make sure that the initial application can get processed in time for your trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7857" LastEditorUserId="7857" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T23:51:45.377" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T23:51:45.377" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6398" CreationDate="2017-11-07T18:27:41.833" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what else tactful should she say?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming she is in the UK, she could show them the paperwork as described below and simply say: &amp;quot;Please refer to this documentation to help answer your questions&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This from the UK govt website might be helpful:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gov.uk/travelling-controlled-drugs&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.gov.uk/travelling-controlled-drugs&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You’ll need to prove you own medicine that contains a drug listed as schedule 2, 3 or 4 on the controlled drugs list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You’ll need to write a proof of ownership letter to prove you own the drugs. You might need to show this at the border.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The letter must include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;your name&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;what countries you’re going to and when&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a list of your medicine, including how much you have and doses&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the signature of the person who prescribed your drugs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8481" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T20:50:38.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6420" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6389" CreationDate="2017-11-07T18:35:59.807" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This person committed a bit of a faux-pas by over-sharing.  The best thing to do in any such situation is to ignore the faux-pas but not to reward it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either say nothing or if you want to be a bit more engaging, acknowledge them with a nod or a simple &quot;okay&quot; if this is a stranger or peripheral acquaintance.  If it is a friend, then a simple invitation to continue will suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What an unsolicited disclosure of this nature really means is that the person wants to talk about it with you, so keep that in mind.  They are not, however, inviting debate, so be aware of how much discussion you want to invite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T18:35:59.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6421" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-07T18:40:27.697" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to discuss it with people, do so.  If not, then you can make a joke such as &quot;it gives me pause&quot; which will deflect people who you don't wish to share such personal information with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I deal with the same issues myself, so I can relate.  I am also aware of how many people will lecture you to &quot;just get over it&quot; and &quot;suicide is just a selfish act&quot;.  Deflection, such as what I recommended above may be the best course of action for people you don't know well, or you fear may start to lecture you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck to you.  You are not alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T18:40:27.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6422" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-07T19:08:04.877" Score="24" ViewCount="2380" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been hearing impaired since birth due to nerve damage.  Since the problem is with the nerves themselves, there is no treatment so there's no hearing aid or surgery that can help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I read lips to some extent, and that combined with my remaining hearing, and positioning myself where my good ear is to people and they are in my line of sight gets me past almost all situations so most people don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem comes with the remaining time such as when someone is behind me or on my bad side, rooms with plenty of conversations or poor acoustics and I have to let people know, as I have not responded to people in the past and they thought that I have been rude or ignoring them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this is an effectively &quot;invisible disability&quot; that limits me only when I can't compensate for it, how do I broach the matter diplomatically?  I don't want sympathy or pity, but I don't want to be seen as rude or cold either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What complicates matters and makes a simple &quot;I'm sorry I'm hard of hearing&quot; difficult to say is that in most cases people don't get the fact that I can &quot;hear&quot; them when I'm looking at them but suddenly not when we are not facing each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T17:24:04.713" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T18:37:47.933" Title="How to effectively make others aware of my hearing impairment, which is non-obvious?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6423" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-07T19:24:59.750" Score="6" ViewCount="1209" Body="&lt;p&gt;Suppose there is a bottle of dried basil and a bottle of curcuma on the shelf, and your mother tells you to pass her the basil but points at the curcuma. You would be puzzled at whether to interpret the auditory cue and pass the bottle of basil or interpret the visual cue and pass the bottle of curcuma. If you had &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;misophonia&lt;/a&gt; and your mother yelled this order at you, you might want her to stop shouting and respond -- asking her, &quot;What the hell do you want me to do?&quot; Your mother could respond with, &quot;Come on, beat it!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trigger misophonia sounds here are simply the mother using a coarse shouting voice to speak. The more this voice is used the more unbearable it becomes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have explained it to my mother on hundreds of occasions, but she either acted as though she was ignoring the problem or as though she didn't know what to do. It wouldn't be very constructive for me to say she bloody well knows what she's doing, maybe I shouldn't be angry about it, she's been nicer lately, but how do I make her understand that shouting commands at me is counter productive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6194" LastEditorUserId="12054" LastEditDate="2019-07-04T08:52:34.127" LastActivityDate="2019-07-04T08:52:34.127" Title="Explaining to a parent that they shouldn't yell ambiguous commands because you have misophonia?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;disability&gt;&lt;social-cues&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6356" CreationDate="2017-11-07T19:44:28.800" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also read into this a low self-image and a possibility of depression.  If you have things you don't enjoy any more, low energy, and struggle with interaction, I'd suggest a visit to your physician and get that checked out.  (This is not medical advice). If it isn't clinical depression, at least you know it's not and can proceed with some activities that build up your confidence, like meeting people with similar interests.  OTOH, if it is, catching it early can be a huge step towards controlling it.  We as Americans seem to struggle with the idea that a chemical imbalance in the brain is a sign of weakness, which is hogwash.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Building self-image isn't easy, especially with people who don't share your interests.  Add to that your age and it's really hard.  You're done with high school, and now find yourself no longer surrounded by people all of the same age and at the same place in life.  It's confusing, and no one really prepared you for it.  &lt;strong&gt;But you can do it&lt;/strong&gt;.  Reaching out for help, even if it's from strangers on the internet, is a good positive step.  @user3.1415927 has a good answer that is full of grace and compassion and I hope to be able to emulate that in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T19:44:28.800" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6422" CreationDate="2017-11-07T19:50:22.110" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try telling people you are hard of hearing when you first meet them. Explain that when you can see someone's mouth moving it helps you decipher the sounds that are hard to hear but when you don't see a person's mouth it makes it much harder to understand or even know that someone is talking to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, when you remind them later, it does not seem like your just making up an excusing for ignoring them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people still refuse to believe you, go to a doctor and have your hearing tested.  print out the result and carry it with you.  The next time someone makes a big deal about you &quot;ignoring them&quot; pull out your result and show it to them.  Just say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Actually I just had my hearing tested the other day.  I think I still have the results on me. . . ah, here it is.  Here take a look,  I only have x% the hearing ability of someone with healthy ears/nerves/hear&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T20:33:42.763" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T20:33:42.763" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6426" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6422" CreationDate="2017-11-07T19:51:51.503" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a manager once who had either no or very little hearing in one ear.  I learned of the problem when we were both in a noisy conference room (pre-meeting) trying to have a conversation.  At one point he cupped his hand behind one ear to try to cut out background noise, and soon after he asked if we could step outside.  When we did, he told me about the problem and that background noise made it even worse.  I paid attention to which side of him I was on after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once I was &quot;in the know&quot; I noticed the other people who also were, who did the same things.  If a room was getting too noisy, chances were good that any one of us would try to quiet it down.  (I hear fine but hate noise, so I was already onboard with this.)  Sometimes he'd say something like &quot;sorry, I didn't catch that -- could you repeat that?&quot;, the person would, and things would carry on.  By saying &quot;sorry&quot; even if it's not really his &lt;em&gt;fault&lt;/em&gt; or something he can control, he deflected any negative feelings that people would have felt otherwise.  (I've had similar experiences with &quot;sorry, I didn't see you&quot; when someone was trying to get my attention.  People seem to understand.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I saw from him aligned pretty well with how I handle my own visual disability in group settings where it matters.  Either of us might sometimes ask &quot;could I have that seat?  It'll be easier for me to {see, hear} the presentation from there&quot;, or ask &quot;can you repeat that / could you zoom that?&quot;.  Most of the time it's not necessary to actually say &quot;I have a disability&quot;, and therefore there's no natural opportunity for people to believe or disbelieve.  Focus on the thing you need -- for something to be repeated, to adjust the speaker's mic, to cut down the side conversations, a better seat -- and not exactly why you need it.  Save the explanation for cases where it's needed or for people you work with a lot (so sharing it can fend off future problems).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's not a lot you can do about people you never heard (or in my case saw) who don't get your attention and just sulk away offended instead.  You can't address what you can't perceive.  For me and my former manager, a combination of effectively dealing with problems when they come up and getting to know people (so more people know about the limitation) has been enough to alleviate any concerns over perceptions of rudeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-11-07T20:40:58.550" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T20:40:58.550" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6422" CreationDate="2017-11-07T20:06:06.943" Score="26" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What complicates matters and makes a simple &quot;I'm sorry I'm hard of hearing&quot; difficult to say is that in most cases people don't get the fact that I can &quot;hear&quot; them when I'm looking at them but suddenly not when we are not facing each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's correct. So you'll have to tell them something more. I've had several co-workers with hearing difficulties. One of them, just like you, isn't wearing a hearing aid but can mask the hearing problem quite easily. So I never knew he's completely deaf on one side until that one time he I was on his wrong side. Then, he explained this to me &lt;em&gt;once&lt;/em&gt; in detail:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ignore you but I'm hard of hearing. You might not have noticed before because I can understand you as long as you look at me, or if I'm on your right side, but if we're not facing each other or switched around I can't follow the conversation. Could you please look at me while you're talking, or draw my attention so we can switch to the correct places? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His statement included:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Something like 'I'm sorry' or 'Excuse me', just the basic politeness stuff. Not to apologize for this problem, but to give me some reassurance that he was not doing the ignoring intentionally. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Statement of the problem: hard of hearing, in his right ear. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Big point: a solution for the problem&lt;/strong&gt;, such as being able to see the face of the speaker and read their lips will help follow the conversation/ the position of the good ear. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't speak for other people with regards to the rude/cold/pity/sympathy feelings because this is highly dependent on the person you're dealing with. But, personally, if you'll make a statement that includes these points, I won't find you rude or cold because you just explained there's a legitimate reason you could hear me at that time but not now. And I won't pity you either because you've just shown that it's easily remedied and doesn't have to be a big problem. You will get some sympathy from me though because sympathy also means 'understanding between people'. And you will need some understanding of your problem and its solution to get me to actually do what is required for the solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, with regard to my co-worker, I often forget which ear is his good ear. But I know that if he seems to ignore me, I'm on the bad side and should switch places, or find some other way to draw his attention. A tap on his shoulder works fine, if you're not bothered by that, you can offer that as a solution to these people as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T17:28:11.217" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T17:28:11.217" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-07T23:13:19.543" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you are talking to someone who you are not comfortable sharing this personal information with, you could try deflecting this with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just like programming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you actually do like programming this doesn't even have to be a lie. When I first saw this that is what I thought about it.&#xA;A less specific alternative could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just think it looks cool and geeky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course whether you could say this without sounding out of character depends a lot on your personality, but something along these may be an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2635" LastActivityDate="2017-11-07T23:13:19.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6398" CreationDate="2017-11-08T01:27:19.137" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suggested phrasing would be something along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I do not feel comfortable answering these personal medical questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My medicines are clearly and correctly labelled by a pharmacy and with my doctor's name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need more detailed answers to these questions, I will need to consult with a lawyer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's analyse:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I don't wish&amp;quot; kind of sends the message that this decision was made basically for no other reason than because it's something you want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I do not feel comfortable&amp;quot; tells them they're making you uncomfortable and may evoke some sympathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explicitly exercising your right to silence and simply refusing to further answer or be helpful (and stating that you've already answered it) seems like a good way to make the worst possible impression and get the officer to do everything in their power to inconvenience you and make you uncomfortable. As far as they're concerned, you possibly appear to be using the law to irritate them or actually hiding something illegal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you say you will comply, but there's a condition. This is presumably a condition they wouldn't fulfil, but it puts the ball in their court. You might be able to come up with a similar alternative (like saying you can't remember the names and you'll need to call X or do Y in order to get them this information - if they let you, you may conveniently partially forget the number or X might not actually know or have the details on hand).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I can't remember these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Isn't everything you need on my medicine label?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you even remember all those details? I sure won't be able to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can't help having bad memory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Disclaimer:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is not suggesting you be uncooperative with immigration officials.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is simply suggesting a better (interpersonal) alternative for the route you have chosen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also not suggesting you lie to immigration officials, which could very well be a crime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to know what your legal rights are in this situation, what information they can legally request from you and how you might be treated if you don't cooperate, you should ask this question on &lt;a href=&quot;https://travel.stackexchange.com&quot;&gt;the Travel Stack Exchange&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T01:56:10.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6432" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-08T02:55:06.953" Score="0" ViewCount="443" Body="&lt;p&gt;So here is a situation happened and that I basically answered sort of haphazardly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworker #1: hey do you know where coworker #2 is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Oh they're out today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;CW1: Do you know when they'll be back in?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I'm not sure. If they're having trouble with allergies or if it is a problem with their dogs they'll probably be in tomorrow. If not I'm not sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This coworker has had problems with their dogs before and had to take them to the emergency vet and missed days and has missed days because of allergies. If it matters, this coworker is female and I am a male, but I have done similar regarding male coworkers, e.g,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know his wife/child hasn't been feeling well so he might be with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He said his allergies have been acting up so maybe he took a day to deal with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this appropriate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: We are a pretty close team in a large corporation in the United States and I feel we are pretty open with each other at least regarding matters that may impact work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3716" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T04:36:22.497" Title="Is it appropriate to offer speculation about a coworker's absence?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6432" CreationDate="2017-11-08T03:06:21.483" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't.  Why?  Well, ever played the telephone game?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's where you get a class of schoolkids, and teacher whispers a secret message into one student's ear.  Each student then whispers the message to the next child, until everyone has been whispered to.  Then that last child stands up and says what was whispered to her.  It is never, &lt;strong&gt;ever&lt;/strong&gt; the original message.  It's always different, often hilariously so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gossip works the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You speculate to Bill, who mentions it to Luli, who tells Chet, who is (poorly) overheard by Ilya.  The first part of the message that drops away is the part about you &lt;em&gt;guessing&lt;/em&gt;.  Next thing you know, word on the street is &quot;&lt;strong&gt;OP says&lt;/strong&gt; that Coworker #2 got arrested!&quot;  See where I'm going with this?  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second reason -- it's just not polite.  If you know -- &lt;strong&gt;and it's something innocuous&lt;/strong&gt; -- you can say.  If not, just smile and say, &quot;Not sure. Maybe manager knows.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer:  I'm living in US culture&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T03:06:21.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6436" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7050" CreationDate="2017-11-08T03:41:32.907" Score="2" ViewCount="1227" Body="&lt;p&gt;Presume her repetition as the only snag, not any tacit hesitancy or aversion to referring as some input beneath wrongly suggested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In telephone calls and emails, my relative told her barrister that already knowing &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.directaccessportal.co.uk/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;a certain website&lt;/a&gt; for lawyer referrals, she preferred a personal referral. He replied that he was thrilled to refer to his law school friend, but still pointlessly repeated this website.  All her attempts  failed, as  they're too subtle and understated. After his 1st repeat, she replied:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you. Noted. I do know of this website. But I hope for personal referral from you, rather than cold-calling from that website's list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After his 2nd repeat, she replied:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Right. I did mention earlier that I already visited this website.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After his 3rd repeat, she stopped trying, and wretchedly suffered his repetition in silence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She had to restrain from shrilling the following that'd offend: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Please do not repeat/stop repeating this that you already told me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Please, no need to repeat this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-02-11T00:15:10.420" LastActivityDate="2018-02-11T00:15:10.420" Title="How to sway someone to stop repeating something, especially when telephoning or emailing?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6432" CreationDate="2017-11-08T04:36:22.497" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this appropriate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general and with strangers its best to avoid speculating about others as it can occasionally cause offence or be deemed as inappropriate. However, considering some points in your description:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are a pretty close team&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;open with each other at least regarding matters that may impact work&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This coworker has had problems with their dogs before&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say that in your cases, so long as caution is used for understanding when you should instead be discrete, speculating may be appropriate and sometimes even beneficial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds as though your group would happily share these details with each other anyway and if there is some information she has shared with you openly before then it is safe to say that speculating would not be considered as rudely gossiping behind their back as you are not saying it in a demeaning way and you are not spreading private information, instead the purpose of this speculating is to share thoughts to reach some connection that you may not have realised before and having a most-likely reason for absence can sometimes make a large difference when planning for a project/schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Scenario 1.&lt;/strong&gt; If your co-worker mentions &lt;strong&gt;to the team&lt;/strong&gt; that she gets intense allergies at the start of spring, but all she has to do is head into the doctors and gets some medication, and if such a thing happened she would be back at work/as good as new the next day. Then a few months later, on the first week of spring she is absent for a day. In this case, even though you are talking about medical information (typically viewed as VERY private) it would be totally appropriate to speculate that perhaps her allergies hit and will be back tomorrow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Scenario 2.&lt;/strong&gt; If your coworker mentions to the team that she gets intense allergies to dust. Then one day she mentions &lt;strong&gt;to you&lt;/strong&gt; that she is going to help her boyfriend move into his new apartment and the next day she is absent. In this case, to speculate that she her allergies may have played up due to the dust from helping move the boyfriends belongings would be considered inconsiderate and gossip as it discloses private information she had not shared with everyone and also encourages/leads the way for further speculation from your co-workers about what else she may have been doing at the new house which is not &lt;strong&gt;work related&lt;/strong&gt; and certainly inappropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In scenario 1 your speculation is more piecing together things your co-workers already knew and may help decide if you should make that awkward report to your manager that the project will be completed, just slightly late or to outsource that section of the work. If you use information only you knew then it would depend on what the information is to determine if its appropriate or not. &amp;quot;She did in fact have an umbrella&amp;quot; is a lot less risky than &amp;quot;She ate 3 tubs of ice cream in the break room yesterday&amp;quot;. In the end you would have to judge for yourself and it may depend on the sort of people your co-workers are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In scenario 2, as you can imagine the typical reaction from said co-worker would be to get upset and if this is the case then its obviously inappropriate. However, even in the case where the co-worker is particularly open, sharing similar information freely and would not get upset. While it may not be considered fine/appropriate from her and your co-workers perspective... HR might have something else to say about the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So long as you are mindful of your co-workers feelings and the information has been happily disclosed to the team already, is work related and does not paint the co-worker in a negative light then yes speculating can be appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T04:36:22.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6444" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6371" CreationDate="2017-11-08T08:37:47.713" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is about as wrong as it gets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phones in particular can store a lot of private information, from nude selfies to messages from her boyfriend to the internet browsing history. (You do remember opening the browser, right?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also remember that no bad intention is needed for you to see something you shouldn't – phones show notifications automatically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And to top it off, you accessed the device without her supervision, so she does not know how much potential time you had to search her stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never do that again. And don't swipe left/right in the photo gallery if you don't know what's there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8298" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T08:37:47.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6446" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5571" CreationDate="2017-11-08T09:26:25.883" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can utilize the word &quot;like&quot;, which means you're generally OK with it and somewhat happy. But not really looking forward to it as the source of inspiration. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I like my job, it is quite related to what I've learned at college&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt; Keep the words positive, but brief. Other people don't need to know about your innermost feelings, unless of course, you want them to know it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As other answerers have cautioned, either innocuously or deliberately, these people may spread the information about your beliefs and you might be perceived as a lesser fit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember there are multiple people vying for any given job, who'll successfully fake enthusiasm and interest to get through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5069" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T09:26:25.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6449" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6453" CreationDate="2017-11-08T09:54:49.040" Score="85" ViewCount="58967" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been friends with a girl at work for more than a year. I have always seen her as a friend and I am pretty sure I never did anything to lead her on. I am going to switch jobs in a couple of months. I told her this a month ago. From that time she has been acting a little strange. She always comes by my desk during work hours, constantly texts and calls me. But I thought she was reacting because I was leaving from the workplace. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A week ago, her sister got married. I was at the wedding and it was amazing. Myself and a few friends at work had the best time! She was really happy. The next day she told me that she had feelings for me. She also revealed that she had a crush on me for more than seven months before we started speaking. She clearly says that she is in love with me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is a really sweet girl, but I never considered her more than a friend. I would like to tell her &quot;No&quot;, without ruining our friendship. She really supports me and helps me in making decisions. Also, her sister has just moved out of the house so she seems a little sad. Yesterday, she brought up the topic again and asked me what my answer was. I wanted to tell her &quot;No&quot; but just don't want to hurt her feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I explain this to her without her getting hurt/our friendship getting ruined? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&#xA;She also expects a reason why I am rejecting her (if my answer is NO which it is)?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE:&#xA;Everything went well. I moved to another country after a few months. I told her that she's a great person and I hope she understands that I have other things to do in life and I am not ready for a relationship. Also I told her that we're friends now and will always be. I told her that there is no guarantee that if we get into a relationship, that it will go on forever. But this will go on forever. Its best if things stay the way they are. I also said, I have a great deal of respect for her and she'll always be a special person in my life. She was kind and gracious enough to understand. It's been eight months and we're still great friends. Thanks for all the advice!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8507" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2018-09-17T01:42:47.437" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T01:42:47.437" Title="How to reject a proposal from a close friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6260" CreationDate="2017-11-08T10:07:38.173" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm just a Westerner, so take this with a grain of salt...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; try to convince Robert that an arranged marriage is the way to go. Rather, I'd ask Aunty and Mom to back off a little and stop pressuring Robert - because, clearly, pressure isn't working (or he would be married already).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I'd chat with Robert about long-term relationships. If he wants to be in one or if he's just happy the way he is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's happy being single, think about supporting his choice - it's his life after all. Forcing him into marriage will probably make at least two people (but probably more) unhappy in the long term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he actually &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to marry but doesn't know how to find The One, I'd suggest looking for a socially acceptable (to him) way of meeting people (including women) with a &lt;em&gt;common interest&lt;/em&gt; - and not with the primary goal of marrying. In Europe, I'd suggest joining a club or a group with regular meetings: a (mixed) sports team, a theater group, a choir, a gardening club, an arts and crafts course, a language course, a prayer group - whatever interests &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt; and includes some women. (The catch of course is that I have no idea what kind of offers in this vein there are in India.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should have multiple benefits:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talking about a common hobby (and not about &quot;Should we make kids together, starting tomorrow?&quot;) should lower the stakes for talking to women and he can &quot;practise&quot; and become more comfortable with it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If no marriage comes of it, it's still not only wasted time and disappointment because he gets to do a hobby he enjoys.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he finds The One through this, they already share a common interest and have a basis for the &lt;em&gt;friendship&lt;/em&gt; necessary for a satisfying long-term relationship. He then knows something about her personality and if he likes her and not just her background ('upper-caste middle-class well-educated Indian girl of medium height, aged between 34 and 38').&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In essence: if he can increase his exposure to women in general, he's statistically more likely to meet one he likes. If he can talk with them about something else than marrying, he's more likely to get to know and like them and it removes the pressure. If they share an interest, he becomes more interesting to her and she to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A final note about the &quot;divorce is acceptable now so he can just 'try out' married life&quot; thing:&#xA;I think you're deluding yourself there. If the future wife is 34 to 38 I expect there will be a high pressure to have kids soon, and once they have kids, splitting up gets (at least emotionally) complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, something (probably your Aunty's worry that he'll be 'too old to marry anyone except a divorcee') tells me that divorced women are still considered &quot;damaged goods&quot;. So - at least for the woman involved - it's &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; really as easy as &quot;just get a divorce if you don't like him&quot;. And so ethically speaking: No, he should not just try someone out randomly and &quot;send her back&quot; if he doesn't like her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T10:07:38.173" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6452" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6449" CreationDate="2017-11-08T10:12:28.987" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, rejection &lt;strong&gt;always hurts.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do now is give her your answer truthfully, but emphasize that you wish to remain friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel honored that you feel that way about me, &lt;em&gt;however&lt;/em&gt;, I see you as one of my best friends, and I hope you will always be. Can we be best friends forever?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have &lt;em&gt;valid&lt;/em&gt; reason to refuse her proposal (for example, you are already engaged), you can mention that, BUT &lt;strong&gt;do not&lt;/strong&gt; hide or get around the fact that &lt;strong&gt;you don't feel the same way about her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I will get to the point and try to cut it short, but I will never leave her alone crying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T10:12:28.987" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6453" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6449" CreationDate="2017-11-08T10:41:28.463" Score="155" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I explain this to her without her getting hurt/our friendship getting ruined?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, that is definitely not going to happen. She &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; going to get hurt, and your friendship &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; going to be affected. (Not necessarily ruined, though!)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You can't avoid that, since it comes from the fact that she has feelings you don't reciprocate. She is going to have to deal with it on her own, and no amount of nice talk and beating around the bush can change that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;: The only thing you can do is &lt;strong&gt;be nice&lt;/strong&gt; but &lt;strong&gt;honest and clear&lt;/strong&gt;, and &lt;strong&gt;leave no doors open&lt;/strong&gt;. Then give her the &lt;strong&gt;time&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;space&lt;/strong&gt; to heal, and hope your frienship goes back to normal with time (it happens a lot!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do for her, to minimize the hurting: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be clear it's not about her.&lt;/strong&gt;  You don't like her that way, but let&#xA;her know that it's about feelings that aren't there, and not about her&#xA;quality as a person. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not leave any doors open.&lt;/strong&gt; The human mind has a way of being stupidely hopeful, so don't use any excuses like &quot;it's not the right time for me&quot; (classics include &quot;I'm just getting over someone&quot;, &quot;I like being single right now&quot;, etc) which part of her may hear as &quot;it might change if I wait a few weeks/months/...&quot;. It &lt;em&gt;seems&lt;/em&gt; nicer and easier to say, but she deserves the right to hear a clear no, so she can start to get over it. It's going to be hard for you because it will hurt her, but if she's your friend you should do that for her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Give her space.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm not saying to ignore her completely, especially if she comes to you, but try to keep some distance. It's the same as the previous point: you don't want her staying in a pattern of thinking &quot;but he asked how my day was going, and the text was so nice, so he must care somehow!&quot;. Do not give her unnecessary words or behaviour to over-interpret.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do for your friendship:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wait.&lt;/strong&gt; Be patient. She will not transition from crush to friend immediately, noone can do that, so give her the time to adjust. You'll probably go through a phase where you're more distant, and then hopefully she'll be able to come closer again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Let her decide.&lt;/strong&gt; You can't anticipate if she will want to stay friends or not. If it's easier for her to have you completely out of her life, respect that, and maybe she'll come around later when she's had the time to heal.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case this is not an easy situation to go through, but if you're a decent person you should be fine! Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="281" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T10:41:28.463" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6449" CreationDate="2017-11-08T12:03:49.147" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am Indian &amp;amp; know that feeling; and not from &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; side of the situation!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sorry but I don't see you with a romantic eye, you are a dear friend of mine.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems to be the reason in your mind and it should be the reply you give her, &lt;strong&gt;as kindly and sincerely as you possibly can&lt;/strong&gt;. This reply is a standard and culturally appropriate way of rejecting this type of romantic proposal here in India because &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=friendship+in+indian+culture&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;'dear friend'&lt;/a&gt; is considered a high and honorable relationship but completely different from romantic partner. Some girls here even &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raksha_Bandhan&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;tie a rakhi&lt;/a&gt; or say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry but I think of you as my brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Related questions I happened to ask on Stack Exchange:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/399235/what-is-that-feeling&quot;&gt;How will a hypothetical 22 year old feel if he has developed some romantic sentiment for a young person (classmate) age 20, but she unknowingly said that 'I will be your sister always.'&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1819/is-it-possible-for-my-friend-to-resume-communication-with-his-unofficial-sister&quot;&gt;Is it possible for my friend to resume communication with his unofficial sister without earning her husband&amp;#39;s mistrust?&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As noted in the earlier answers and in comments, rejection is sure to hurt but it is your duty not to give her false reasons, hopes or expectations.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your reply needs to make it very clear that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; may see you with a romantic eye but &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; see her with equal seriousness as a dear friend. I think she will be culturally able to accept that reason and I am sure you can make her understand with kind and sincere words that you will always care for her deeply as a friend or brother, even if she cannot continue your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Post scriptum&lt;/strong&gt;: be prepared for a sad or defensive reaction. She may shut you out of her life for some days and you should give her the time and space she needs to recover from her 'hopeless crush' which we Indians call 'love failure'.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T19:13:25.763" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T19:13:25.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6422" CreationDate="2017-11-08T13:07:08.007" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to make it clear to someone you've just met that you have a hearing impairment, is to explain this to them right after you've spoken for the first time. But only if it's someone you're guaranteed to be seeing again in the near future. There's no need to point it out to a stranger (at least, not in great detail) unless a situation really demands it. When a new friend, colleague, etc. wants to introduce themselves, they have to project themselves clearly, so they're going to be facing you and making direct eye contact with you when this happens. You shouldn't have a problem explaining your hearing impairment to people you already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have Asperger's, but I never tell anybody that I have it unless I really need to. For instance, I let work know that I have autism because it can affect my learning. I never bothered telling my friends that I'm autistic until a lot later, because we get along just fine regardless of my autism and we haven't repeatedly run into situations where I've had to explain why I may have misunderstood/reacted differently to certain things than most people. There have been one-off situations where I've had to apologise for misunderstanding or reacting inappropriately, and proceeded to reveal the fact that I have autism. These days, though, it's not usually a barrier so there's no need for me to bring it up. I've never had to tell a stranger that I'm autistic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to summarise - the best way to respond to a stranger who you've accidentally ignored is simply to apologise and explain your impairment as concisely as possible:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to ignore you. I just have hearing problems which can't be solved with a hearing aid.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to respond to a new friend, colleague, etc. who you've just met is to explain the issue in more detail, and make it clear what's required of them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, just so you know, I have a hearing impairment, which unfortunately can't be fixed with a hearing aid. If someone isn't facing me, I'm not able to lip-read, so I can't hear them. Likewise, if someone is behind me, or on my bad side, I'm not able to hear them at all. So if you don't mind, can you make sure to always approach me from the front if you want to start a conversation with me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8511" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T13:07:08.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6456" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6464" CreationDate="2017-11-08T13:16:05.780" Score="89" ViewCount="27457" Body="&lt;p&gt;What to do with a friend who slightly improves his chances in the card or board games we play, by, for example, picking another card while we don't look or turning the dice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The games are played for fun, no money involved,  but it kinda spoils the experience... we're still having fun, and we want this person to participate,  but if possible, with less cheating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to let them know we don't appreciate their sleight of hand?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1617" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T13:34:27.763" LastActivityDate="2019-08-23T13:14:38.920" Title="What to do with a friend who cheats in games?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-08T13:48:27.867" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can explain its general meaning without being totally specific: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's like the way a semicolon separates the major parts of a sentence. It serves as a reminder of a significant time of my life and a symbol of my ability to carry on after it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they probe further, you can always follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My life before the semicolon is a part of my past - the semicolon itself is a reminder to leave it there and move on from it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4071" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T13:48:27.867" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6459" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6456" CreationDate="2017-11-08T13:58:37.197" Score="50" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to let them know we don't appreciate their sleight of hand?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;You call them out.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend that you point it out, saying something like &quot;&lt;em&gt;Hey that wasn't a legal move, and if you keep it up I am not going to play with your any more&lt;/em&gt;&quot; or some such response.  Point it out &lt;strong&gt;when it happens&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not point this out after the fact as it will be much more difficult for you to prove.  Typically someone who cheats knows it, and will deny it strongly if you call them out after the game has ended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually if they continue to cheat, &lt;strong&gt;stop playing with them&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you cannot stop playing with them, I would continue to call them out each and every time.  With enough peer pressure, perhaps the behavior will change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;:  Your own excellent suggestion of &lt;em&gt;cheating too, aggressively,&lt;/em&gt; could also be a clever way to get the point across.  I will be stealing that as my idea in the future!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;;-}&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T15:01:35.637" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T15:01:35.637" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6456" CreationDate="2017-11-08T14:03:40.773" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you have tagged, the aim in any solution to this problem will be to avoid conflict, lest you leave any party upset. If you can proactively stop cheating rather than reactively punish it, you should be able to deal with the problem while keeping everyone happy. Some simple solutions include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clearly state the rules before the game&lt;/strong&gt;. Stressing what is considered cheating may be enough to discourage their insincere actions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lower expectations&lt;/strong&gt;. Perhaps they have grown up in a household or family where boardgames are taken seriously (we all know the type!). Just because you and the rest of the players are playing for fun, they may be in the habit of feeling under a lot of pressure to win. Again, laying out the expectations before people start playing should help show their would be no shame in losing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoid extrinsic motivation&lt;/strong&gt;. This is arguably a rehash of the above, but still worth bearing in mind. You may not be playing for money, but is there any other benefit from winning, besides pride? This could be why the friend wants to cheat.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make it harder to cheat&lt;/strong&gt;. Playing games where it is more difficult to cheat, or removing the opportunities the cheater would normally use, should put a stop to their actions without directly calling them out for it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8518" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T14:03:40.773" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6456" CreationDate="2017-11-08T14:31:44.757" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people are just serial game cheaters. My dad is one of them. He is smart and good at board games, but if he can get away with it he will cheat. If he is caught, he will feign innocence and put things back the way they were. What does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; work for my dad:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Calling him out - it solves the immediate cheat but doesn't stop future cheating&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clarity of the rules - he's a master of the rules and will use this to his advantage&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Low expectations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Absence of extrinsic motivation - he gains nothing from cheating, sometimes it even spoils the atmosphere of the game playing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The suggestion of making it harder to cheat is a reasonable one, but that is impractical for some games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your question was what to do with the friend and how to communicate with them, not how to stop the cheating, I am going to take a different approach with my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the occasional attempt at cheating bothers you too  much, stop playing with them. However, it sounds like you do not want to do this. What works best with my dad is to call him out whenever you notice it, but otherwise not let it work you up that it may occur. In most games, in my experience, it is impossible for them to win by cheating every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Strategies about how to not let it work you up are a bit beyond the scope of the question, but what works best to me is to know who I'm playing with. If I'm playing with certain people, I don't expect to have a chance at winning--I just play to spend time with them. That applies not only to cheaters, but also when I'm playing with people who are well beyond my skill level at a certain game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5130" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T14:31:44.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6389" CreationDate="2017-11-08T14:43:01.280" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Presuming that the person disclosing the issue does not have a hidden agenda and is not looking for a reason to be combative then this should work for most situations in which someone catches you off-guard with information about something which you cannot hold a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh OK, thank you for letting me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that you are respectful and acknowledge their information/situation. This also gives you a chance to think of stuff you may wish to talk about during your next encounter with that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the vegetarian situation you can tack on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh OK, thank you for letting me know. I'm sorry that I cannot offer to share. What did/will you have for lunch?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T14:43:01.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6456" CreationDate="2017-11-08T14:56:24.007" Score="164" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'm very bothered by a person who would cheat in a casual game.  I would stop playing with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, since you don't want to do that, try the following...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make a house rule that cheating is allowed, but the penalty for being caught is costly.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, immediate disqualification from the current game and cheater must bring pizza for all to the next gaming session.  &lt;strong&gt;Now either the cheating will stop, or you will occasionally get free pizza!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Backup from the comments&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can vouch for this working. Friends and I stole the idea from an episode of Always Sunny. It honestly definitely reduces the instances of cheating. – &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/5730/schrodingersstat&quot;&gt;Schrodinger'sStat&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8524" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-08-23T13:14:38.920" LastActivityDate="2019-08-23T13:14:38.920" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6371" CreationDate="2017-11-08T15:00:36.440" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a privacy issue, and a property issue, at the same time. It's rude and creepy, therefore you must apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using someone else's property without asking &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be perfectly fine (e.g. in case of &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; spouses (but not others)), rude (in case of &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; friends), or theft (in case of &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; strangers). If you don't want to be rude, you must ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking through someone's private things (phone, underwear drawer, etc) is beyond rude and goes into creepy territory. Even if you don't intend to look through their phone, there are 2 problems. First, they have no way to know that, &lt;em&gt;especially so&lt;/em&gt; if you grabbed their phone without asking. Second, even if you don't intend to look, you will still see their open browser tabs, incoming messages, url suggestions, targeted ads, and much more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T15:00:36.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6456" CreationDate="2017-11-08T15:18:07.627" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Avoid giving him the satisfaction of winning when he cheats. When he has the highest score or is the first to meet the goals of the game, simply ignore that and proclaim the next person the winner. If he protests that he has the highest score, say, &quot;Oh, but we have a rule that you can't win when you cheat.&quot; If his motivation is a drive to be the best and to win at all costs, this may (over time) remove that motivation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5924" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T15:18:07.627" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6467" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-08T15:19:10.247" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not see a reason not to say why, but you don't have to go into personal details up front.  I would suggest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Unfortunately I have bad days once in a while, and this is to remind&#xA;  me that they are followed by good days too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives the basic reason, and allows you to go into more detail if asked.  Stigmatism is a real problem when mentally ill, and the small steps in making it visible without the drama are important.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3658" LastEditorUserId="3658" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T14:18:55.650" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T14:18:55.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6449" CreationDate="2017-11-08T15:35:16.067" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Falling in love with someone isn't about being a good or a bad person.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't feel like you need to feel bad or to apologize in this kind of situation. You just need to be respectful, and I'm sure we are all capable of doing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like you are absolutely sure that you will never see her in a romantic way (and by absolutely sure I mean &lt;strong&gt;absolutely&lt;/strong&gt; sure), you need to make her understand she doesn't &lt;em&gt;fit your romantic needs&lt;/em&gt;. If she isn't the most sensitive person, there is no way she would not understand. Not experiencing mutual feelings isn't anyone's fault. That's not cool and inconvenient for everyone, but this is something you need to deal with and have to accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'm not going to lie, I have trouble to think your friendship will be the same after that episode. I am not saying this is impossible, I'm saying &lt;em&gt;it's complicated&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6136" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T23:32:49.420" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T23:32:49.420" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6449" CreationDate="2017-11-08T16:02:12.290" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just be clear and let the chips fall where they may.  If you are not interested and never will be then say that.  If she demands a reason, tell her that there isn't one.  Love and attraction don't work that way.  It's nothing that she has done or could fix, you just don't feel that way about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friendship may not survive.  But, that's for the best.  You aren't her friend right now.  From her perspective, you are a romantic interest she is pursuing in her own way.  You have a very asymmetrical relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her the truth.  Leave no doubt.  Let her decide if she wants to and is able to have you as an actual friend.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8535" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T16:02:12.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6398" CreationDate="2017-11-08T16:38:28.610" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, the question can't be answered straight, because the answer is &lt;strong&gt;different with every &lt;em&gt;type&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; of authority figure.  And I don't mean &quot;tuned slightly&quot;, I mean 100% diametric opposite.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people just &quot;wing it&quot; and hope for the best, and that works out 95% of the time.  Your family member is discovering that &quot;winging it&quot; does not work for her, because of her disability.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I recommend a 2-part strategy to be uniquely developed for each type of authority figure.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Know your rights&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Know your rights really, not the pop culture version gotten off TV.  And here, consultation with a lawyer might not hurt.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, you need to know when you should clam up, and when you shouldn't - and that's particularly tricky with police vs. customs/immigration, because the rules are dramatically different, &lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; for noncitizens. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance you should know Customs cannot refuse to admit a citizen, but has every right to ask some questions police cannot, and do searches police cannot.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Have empathy&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to do this is understand their job.  And in democracies, that's pretty easy because most authorities are happy for people to see what it is that they do.  They (or at least their managements) don't want you flustered and panicked, they want their officers to clear you as efficiently as possible: their worst case scenario is a bad guy slips through while they're fooling with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I know I just said &quot;don't go with the TV version&quot; but there are in fact TV documentaries about immigration in particular: UK Border Force, and a similar show in Canada.  And they're on Youtube.   Police, there is so much out there that's dramatized it's hard to know what to believe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm talking about some real work.  It may seem annoying to have to &quot;get out in front of this&quot;, and it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; unfair - most people don't have to, the can just &quot;wing it&quot; and it works out 90% of the time.  Fair or not, your family member has tried that, and established that it doesn't work.  Disability isn't fair, that's why most civilized countries have laws comparable to the Americans with Disabilities Act. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can lean/rely on those laws, or at least the compassion they institutionalize.  Your family member has the option to say &lt;em&gt;&quot;I have a disability which makes it hard for me to communicate well, and it displays as ______ and _____, and obviously tends to make me look guilty or evasive, when in fact I am not.  Well, I am nervous, but just because you're an authority figure.  Those combine to make this a struggle for me.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  That should help, because (at least under US ADA) they become obliged to do everything &quot;readily achievable&quot; (i.e. easy) to help you cope. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again it may seem like an unfair privacy invasion, but then, who pays the medical bills? If it's the government, that means they already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to those authorities: check on our travel.se site, but you bet immigration has a right to ask a lot of questions.  If you're a citizen they can't deny you entry, but they can grill you unlimited on the items you are bringing into Canada, with the right to confiscate the items or charge with a customs crime, (and one must know those consequences).  One trick is to ask questions on things they already know to see if your narrative matches up, and ask sane questions again from a different angle to trip up liars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By contrast, the tactic with police is near the exact opposite: outside of disclosing the disability, and certain obligatory questions relating to driving a car, I would &quot;lawyer up&quot; immediately - otherwise video of the struggled answers &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; get trotted out in front of a jury. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rules with a concert venue are also wildly different.  Or an employer. Or a medical interview. Or a civil lawsuit.  Or when the electrical inspector is signing off on your work.  Etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T17:01:22.797" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T17:01:22.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6471" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6396" CreationDate="2017-11-08T17:07:00.257" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey can you stop peeing on my bathroom floor?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Okay, sorry.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I honestly don't think you need to beat around the bush in such a situation, just say it how it is. Be direct, to the point but not rude. They will take you seriously and there won't be any misunderstanding. Sometimes you just have to say it how it is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8542" LastEditorUserId="8542" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T15:55:57.423" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T15:55:57.423" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6474" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-11-08T17:49:11.593" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T17:49:11.593" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T17:49:11.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6475" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-11-08T17:49:11.593" Score="0" Body="Use this tag for questions related to teachers and educators of any field" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T19:50:21.203" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T19:50:21.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6476" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6486" CreationDate="2017-11-08T17:51:57.827" Score="-1" ViewCount="934" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, when you're least expecting it, you get complimented... That happened to me today...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my class, I was busy solving questions, when my teacher suddenly said &quot;There's also some people in this class who go overboard. Abhigyan did [some respectful thing I'd done a long time ago].&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What had happened was that nearly the entire class had forgotten a certain concept that our teacher had told us to remember, and tried to drill into our heads... While 2 of us remembered it, the others who had forgotten tried to pretend like they knew it too... Our teacher didn't like that, and gave us a long speech on how one should try to remember things, and how remembering things that he's taught us is our way of showing him respect... After that, he mentioned the above line, about something I'd done long ago, as I was one of the 2 who had remembered that concept... At that point of time, I turned red, and was hoping I could sink into the floor, as what he said really embarrassed me in front of my friends. I felt like it was unnecessary, but stayed quiet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also happened to me on another occasion, when I had helped another person out, and she decided to come over to my house and thank me... Although that wasn't in public, that embarrassed me too, in the eyes of my extended family who was at my place at that time...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should one do on such occasions to get the embarrassment over with, but at the same time not appear arrogant? I really don't like it when people make such a mountain of a molehill, but I'm afraid that if I say anything, it might sound like I'm turning down their gratitude, which might make them feel bad, and make me look like I'm a snob...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T19:34:07.613" Title="What is the smartest way to wave-off a compliment and not look arrogant" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;&lt;respect&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6477" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-11-08T17:54:45.393" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T17:54:45.393" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T17:54:45.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6478" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-11-08T17:54:45.393" Score="0" Body="Respect, the feeling of admiration, or the due regard to others feelings, wishes and rights" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T07:14:10.520" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T07:14:10.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6476" CreationDate="2017-11-08T18:05:25.880" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As for the first scenario, the one about the teacher, my answer to you would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If you don't know what to say, remain silent.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If you do know what to say, you should ask yourself if it's going to&#xA;  bring any good, or if it's going to solve anything. If not, remain&#xA;  silent.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't always need to respond. Sometimes it's better to remain silent, as that could save you from trouble or awkwardness. I've learnt that the hard way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the second scenario, about the girl, I would simply reply [while smiling]:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Haha, no problem! You're very welcome! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8475" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T18:05:25.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6476" CreationDate="2017-11-08T18:06:45.353" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Thank you so much for helping me with X! &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; No problem, I'm sure you'd do the same for me! &lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; You're so smart! How do you remember everything? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh, you know ... I just happened to remember what the teacher said, it's no big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can accept a compliment for helping someone without brushing them off, or being arrogant. You can also downplay your achievements if you think it's going to make the other person feel a little better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the situation where a teacher starts praising you in front of the whole class there's not much you can do, however. Perhaps you could speak to him in private, and explain that while you appreciate his praise, it's causing envy and animosity among your peers. There's a decent chance that this won't go over well, however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you may wish to examine your own feelings on the matter. Why do you feel embarrassed when you've clearly done well, and deserve some recognition? In the &quot;real world&quot; it's a good thing when you receive such recognition, and you should not shy away from it. In fact, workplace visibility, and recognition are huge markers for professional success, and many people wonder how they might improve in this regard. (&lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/102278/ask-for-more-acknowledgement-of-good-work-affirmation&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;this&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; was literally just asked on Workplace SE)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learning how to accept compliments, and spin situation like these to your advantage will be useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T18:29:24.200" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T18:29:24.200" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6481" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6484" CreationDate="2017-11-08T18:32:35.960" Score="68" ViewCount="13254" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an old friend who recently came out as transgender. We have a very healthy relationship in general, but I often find myself wondering if I should mention his past (before he came out) and, if I do bring it up, if I should refer to him by masculine or feminine pronouns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;Is it OK to mention a transgender person's past in any conversation altogether and what pronouns should I use if and when talking about it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional details:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is a trans man&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He seems to have no problem in seeing pictures or videos of him before coming out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The culture is Brazilian and I'd dare saying we are both very liberal/chill people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7550" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-10-07T18:26:27.060" LastActivityDate="2019-10-10T15:11:08.850" Title="What pronoun to use when talking about a transgender person's past?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6422" CreationDate="2017-11-08T18:37:47.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been on the other end of this situation with one of my co-workers. The second or third time we spoke, I was trying to get her attention and she seemed to be ignoring me. Once she realized, she said &quot;Oh, I'm sorry. I'm almost completely deaf, but I'm very good at reading lips.&quot; I was both disarmed and a bit impressed, because I struggle to read lips myself. She continued, &quot;Please don't think I'm ignoring you if I don't answer. I have to be looking at you to 'hear' you. Just wave to get my attention if you need anything.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long and short, tell them you have to read lips to understand what they're saying. Explain that you're near deaf and can't make out words, and that you hear with your eyes. It's worked on me the few times I've met someone in that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4739" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T18:37:47.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6481" CreationDate="2017-11-08T18:43:11.773" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's a good friend, ask.  Your friend will tell you.  It won't be awkward unless you make it so.  Most Transgender people will make their preferences plain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be prepared for an emotional dump.  Even in more accepting societies, the life of someone who is TG is difficult as they often are dealing with many issues and very difficult histories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend may want to tell you little, much, or nothing.  Since you're going to be talking directly with the person, the only pronoun you will be using is &quot;you&quot;, so that may not come up for some time.  You can observe what your friend's friends use when using 3rd person pronouns and take the cue from that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether your friend wants to talk about the life prior to coming out is up to your friend.  You could gently probe by reminiscing over a good time in the past with &quot;Hey, remember when we...&quot; and see how your friend reacts.  Then ask &quot;Hey, does it make you uncomfortable when I talk about...?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though your friend may seem &quot;chill&quot; as you put it, it's a difficult time and just being there as a friend likely helps more than you realize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T21:09:23.140" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T21:09:23.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6481" CreationDate="2017-11-08T18:43:12.933" Score="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a general rule, it's better to ask the individual person how they want to be referred to, whether it be past or present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, in my experience it's common and usually appreciated when you use their current pronouns. Many trans folks think of themselves in those terms, because they knew they wanted to transition and identify long before they were ready to come out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for bringing up the past, this is really a personal preference thing. Some people are intensely uncomfortable about it and some are just fine, like pretty much anyone who had a difficult or troubling past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In both cases individual results will vary, so just talk to your friend like they're your friend and ask, just be gentle about it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T18:43:12.933" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6456" CreationDate="2017-11-08T18:55:14.713" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;An alternative solution to what has already been said is &lt;strong&gt;to cheat&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Whatever may be your moral or social concern about doing this, cheating is fine as long as everyone in the game agrees to do so (by words or actions).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there you can deploy two strategies :&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Cheating specificaly against the cheater until he gives up (changing him).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Consider cheating as a fun additionnal rule (changing you).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once your choice is done, convince your friends to try your solution, at least for the time of an experiment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If conflicts happens when a player is caught, mimic your target cheater way of dealing the situation for the first strategy, or define fun penalities (not costly ones !) before the game on the second case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The expected results are either :&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - The cheater gives up and accept to stop cheating when playing in this group&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - Everyone has fun cheating.&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - A conflict happens, grows out of control, the cheater leaves the game.&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - Playing with cheats is less fun for everyone, you are almost back at your starting point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8546" LastEditorUserId="8546" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T23:36:19.947" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T23:36:19.947" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6476" CreationDate="2017-11-08T19:07:35.373" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really don't like it when people make such a mountain of a molehill, but I'm afraid that if I say anything, it might sound like I'm turning down their gratitude, which might make them feel bad, and make me look like I'm a snob...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do need to respect their feelings in such cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no use or need to be embarrassed or too humble, nor to try to deflect compliments, praise or gratitude, is what I say. &lt;strong&gt;The recognition you got in public is directly related to the positive impact you managed to make in those people's minds&lt;/strong&gt;. What seems a small thing from your point of view might be a noteworthy and praiseworthy thing in the eyes of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, &lt;strong&gt;you cannot stop anyone from thanking or praising you in public, can you!&lt;/strong&gt; I am sure they wouldn't usually do it unless they meant it. (Exception: some people excessively praise more wealthy or powerful persons to extract some favors from them but that is clearly not the case here.) &lt;strong&gt;Accept the praise or thanks graciously to express your appreciation of the person's sentiment.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Example 1&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/em&gt; when the teacher says that you were only one of 3 people to  remember what he said, you just need to smile and nod and never care if your friends think you are pro-teaching-establishment (read 'teacher's pet.') &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the teacher is clearly expecting a reply you can simply say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;thank you sir, but it's my duty&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is guaranteed to elicit a good response in the teacher's mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: There really is no reason to be dependent on the approval of your classmates, friends (or even teachers) or anybody else. Thus you can be independent of mind and avoid being influenced by the attitudes or actions of others. But studying is your job at present and for a few years it is &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; better to be pro-teaching-establishment, I say! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Example 2&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/em&gt; when the young person thanks you in front of your relatives you can say, as I often do here on SE:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are most welcome and I am glad I was able to help you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of your relatives will be sure to form the impression that Abhigyan C is a kind and gracious person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T19:34:07.613" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T19:34:07.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6487" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6515" CreationDate="2017-11-08T19:49:33.887" Score="17" ViewCount="3025" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 18 year old male, and I have PDDNOS (a form of autism). I don't feel comfortable with most social interactions around strangers.  I am struggling with the choice of forcing myself in social interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an introvert, so I have some difficulties with interacting with other people. I am fine with talking to a small group of people whom I know, but if I'm in a busy place (e.g. a party), I have the habit of being very uncommunicative. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't even like going to those places. So most of the time I am staying at home and do something I feel comfortable with, but I also think that it is unhealthy for me (not for my body, but for my social life) to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I engage socially and be comfortable doing so?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7064" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T20:15:52.743" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T20:15:52.743" Title="Do I need to force myself into social interactions" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-04-21T00:35:45.310" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6488" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-08T20:03:40.740" Score="-1" ViewCount="434" Body="&lt;p&gt;We had been dating for a really long time (a couple years) and he very recently broke up with me and we are now best friends. I still want a romantic relationship with him and he currently does not have feelings for another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8552" LastEditorUserId="8553" LastEditDate="2017-11-08T21:29:36.553" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T02:13:14.533" Title="How do you repursue a relationship with someone who your are now best friends with?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-11-09T04:53:52.460" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6487" CreationDate="2017-11-08T20:22:25.913" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to be in the same shoes as yours. In fact, I'm from the Netherlands as well. I was always VERY awkward and disliked public speaking. Because, and only because, I used to stutter immensely - and I still stutter today (but not as bad as back then) - so I avoided verbal communication as much as possible, because the whole stuttering-thing made me never enjoy talking. I do not have autism, though, so my answer would be on the being-social-shy-part of the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would answer your question with another question. Do you &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; or &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to become more socially active? Like, for example, do you have a job where that is pretty much your day-to-day activity (this is an example of where you &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; to become socially active to be able to perform well), or do you feel left out, or like you're missing out on what others do have, like being able to hang around a group of people in comfort (this would be an example of why you would &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to become more active socially).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know about your scenario, but I can say what to do if you do decide that you want to become more socially active:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First of all, don't worry. Don't feel intimidated by those people. They're just people.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sure that if you get to know them, they would be pretty alright to hang around with. And know that you're not the only one who feels intimidated to talk, or just hang around people you might not even know. It's very common.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practise your social skills&lt;/strong&gt;. You might be socially awkward today, but that doesn't mean that you will still be this way tomorrow. Just practise your social skills. One step at a time. First practise with family members. If that becomes easy, then move to just one stranger. If that becomes easy, then multiple people. Then a group, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Being an introvert is part of your character.&lt;/strong&gt; You can still be an introvert, and STILL be social. The reason why I'm stating this, is that you don't really need to change this part of yourself. I myself am still an introvert, but I don't mind talking to people now, in fact, I'm pretty skilled in giving lectures and whatnot and public speaking. That could be you too.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If there are activities that you don't want/like to do (like going to a party), then don't do them.&lt;/strong&gt; Don't let the social pressure get to you. I don't like to go to parties either. My definition of a party would be a Xbox Live party, playing games with others who feel the same! Yes, on the weekends! Who cares about what people call you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Finally, social skills actually have many advantages. You're more charming, confident, open and it opens the door to many oppurtunities (like a promotion at work or something like that).&lt;/strong&gt; Why am I saying this? Because you could make this your motivation! It IS worth it to be more social. It really is! &lt;strong&gt;But you can still be yourself!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I would like to end with one of the best advices I've ever heard:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No matter what you do... there will always be someone hating on you, and what you do, and who you are, and what you stand for... So, therefore... DON'T CARE about what people have to say about you, because you can never please everyone in the first place!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8475" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T20:22:25.913" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6488" CreationDate="2017-11-08T20:45:34.070" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the saying goes, &quot;you can't go home again&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've given this advice over the years many times.  An ex is an ex for a reason.   If he was the one doing the breaking up, he's not just going to get back together with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to move on, and probably back off from the friendship a bit, lest you lose that as well.  I've been able to be friends with most of my Exes but only after the possibility of getting back together is off the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See a counselor or therapist to deal with this.  You are only setting yourself up to be hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T20:45:34.070" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6493" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6481" CreationDate="2017-11-08T22:22:21.653" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's take a concrete example. You might tell me something about your friend, like &quot;at the age of twelve, he was the captain of the girls netball team&quot; or &quot;at the age of twelve, she was the captain of the girls netball team&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, should you tell this at all? Depends on your friend, &lt;strong&gt;you have to ask him&lt;/strong&gt;. Is he Ok with you telling about the past in a female body, or does he want to forget all about it? Different people will see this differently. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, should you use &quot;he&quot; or &quot;she&quot;? Although the first variant sounds strange, I think &quot;he&quot; is correct. At the age of twelve, he was a &quot;he&quot;, even though nobody knew it at the time. Someone who was more deeply involved with the person &lt;em&gt;at the time&lt;/em&gt; might say &quot;she&quot;, like &quot;I was member of the girls netball team and she was the captain&quot;, perfectly acceptable &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; your friend is comfortable with that past at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. Don’t modify things or leave details out. In the netball team example, you can either tell me he was captain of the girls netball team or you say nothing at all. Otherwise you start with half truths and proceed with lies. There’s nothing wrong with being transgender, there’s no need to hide it unless that person doesn’t want to tell about their past at all. Tell the truth or say nothing, but don’t mislead. And misleading by intentionally leaving out details &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; lying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2019-10-10T15:11:08.850" LastActivityDate="2019-10-10T15:11:08.850" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6375" CreationDate="2017-11-08T23:45:53.783" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your quote is: &quot;A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you, and the sentence is your life. &quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Change it to: &quot;A semicolon is in the middle of a sentence, but the sentence goes on. &quot; It tells the person the principle of what this tattoo is about, without the deeper and dark meaning (someone could have chosen to end their life but didn't). Many will have their question answered or will not want to dig further. But with the right person, you have the choice to get deeper. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-11-08T23:45:53.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6488" CreationDate="2017-11-09T02:13:14.533" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;What has changed?  Are the reasons for the breakup resolved?  If very little is different, then a relationship that has ended stands little chance of restarting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is difficult to have feelings that are not reciprocated, yet that is obviously the case here.  Movies too often make us think, &quot;if I pursue him/her enough, he/she will love me&quot;.  That is not the case; all you will do is wind up looking desperate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others are saying this somewhat obliquely: it's time for you to move on.  If you can't be friends without having feelings, then it's time to put the friendship on hold.  If he really cares for you, he'll understand and support your desire for distance while you work through these feelings that he does not return.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;it will not be easy.  You will miss your friend and your friendship.  I personally found it hard to stay friends with exes - I wasn't angry at them but at the same time still had romantic feelings that I knew were unproductive and caused me a great deal of pain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find something you love to do.  Do it with all the passion you can muster.  Maybe you will find someone who shares your passion.  If not, at least you are doing something you will love.  And over time, the pain will decrease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T02:13:14.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6501" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6481" CreationDate="2017-11-09T02:41:51.760" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most transgender people prefer that you use their current pronouns even when discussing their past. If you don't know somebody's wishes and can't find out, this is a good default. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Important exception: never &quot;out&quot; a person as transgender without their permission. This can make them a target for violence and discrimination. Normally this is all the more reason to stick with their current pronouns, but sometimes situations arise where it's better to use their old pronouns. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example of how it can get complicated, one of my friends (&quot;Bob&quot;) is a trans man (FtM). Shortly after he decided to transition, he took a job in a conservative workplace. All his academic transcripts etc. were still in his old name, which is recognisably female, and he didn't want his employer knowing he was transgender - so at work he had to present as female and go by the old name (&quot;Kate&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most transgender people are okay with talking about their past pre-transition as long as it's not going to out them. If you've been friends for years, you don't have to erase all that from history! Some people may have specific things they don't want to discuss, especially if they've had bad experiences, but it's not a blanket rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, because he's your friend, it is absolutely fine to ask &quot;how would you like me to handle these issues?&quot; and he will probably appreciate you making the effort to find out his preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8568" LastEditorUserId="8568" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T07:09:32.347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T07:09:32.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6487" CreationDate="2017-11-09T03:02:55.143" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR -- It is good to push your boundaries, just a little&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hmm...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to suggest that you examine your motivations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you worried about general mental health effects of isolation?  That's the sense I get from your question.  Not an expert, but I will suggest that contact with others does help to &quot;pull us back&quot; toward the mainstream so that we don't get too eccentric.  The deal with that though, is that you don't really need huge amounts of associates or parties to get that level of interaction.  As you already have your group of &quot;known people&quot;, you likely have enough in terms of not being the &lt;em&gt;weird recluse&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you worried about being lonely?  Only you can answer this, because you are the one who knows.  If &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; feel like you don't have enough social contact, that's your answer right there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you worried about impact on your professional life?  Like it or not, bonhomie and general chitchat ability &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; have an impact on business success.  If you're personable and likeable, people will like you more, and this can be the feather that tips the scales when favors, promotions, and so on are in the balance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you just feel that you should get out more?  You're probably right.  I'll ask you this, though ... does it have to be these 'large parties' you're talking about?  That is, there are &lt;em&gt;huge&lt;/em&gt; amounts of places and situations you could pick for your socializing, many of them quieter and lower-stress than these parties you speak of.  Here are some thoughts...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could volunteer for Second Harvest or the like.  You will meet people, but fewer at a time, and there is a built-in &quot;something to do&quot; so there's not so much just awkward standing around&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could check out ToastMasters club.  It's a fun activity, and they are &lt;strong&gt;pros&lt;/strong&gt; at handling people who are a little socially insecure.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Whatever your hobby is, there's a club for it.  You could check out their meetings, again have a built-in something in common, and probably have a pretty good time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Heck, you might just call up your regular &quot;known people&quot; a little more often and invite them out to dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point is ... it doesn't hurt you, and probably helps you, to nudge yourself into a little more social activity.  The key is to &lt;em&gt;pick something you actually like doing&lt;/em&gt;, and don't stress yourself out over numbers or frequency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T03:02:55.143" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6503" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6487" CreationDate="2017-11-09T03:07:35.777" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Small answer that only applies in the case that you have &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/social-phobia&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Social Anxiety&lt;/a&gt;. (To check either look it up or ask a doctor/therapist, I'm not listing symptoms) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, there are a lot of treatments for social anxiety and I'm not saying which is best, or if it even applies to your case; but one of the treatments is relevant to your question. If the prospect of a particular type of social interaction scares you then entirely avoiding it may bring momentary relief but would also make it harder and harder as you continue the pattern. One of the recommended treatments in this case is &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/treatments-for-anxiety/psychological-treatments-for-anxiety&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;behaviour therapy&lt;/a&gt;. Behaviour therapy for anxiety relies mainly on 'graded exposure'. ie. slowly pushing yourself to engage in the social activities that make you feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not have social anxiety but I figured this was important enough to mention just incase; since if it &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; true then forcing yourself into at least a few of the social interactions that make you uncomfortable could be significant for your health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T03:12:57.567" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T03:12:57.567" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6449" CreationDate="2017-11-09T03:40:20.607" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will give you an alternate line of thought:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just be honestly yourself, and communicate to her with some reality.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the suggestions from other people along the lines of &quot;don't leave any doors open&quot; or &quot;leave no doubt&quot; or &quot;reject her immediately&quot; are &lt;strong&gt;utter nonsense.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason is that none of those people is &lt;em&gt;you.&lt;/em&gt;  Only &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; can truly give yourself advice that would apply 100% to this situation, because no one else knows the full scope of your history with this friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She is a really sweet girl, but I never considered her more than a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell her this.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever else you can tell her that is a &lt;em&gt;real communication, from &lt;strong&gt;you,&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't tell her what &lt;em&gt;someone else&lt;/em&gt; says you should tell her.  Tell her what &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; really think and feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no possible substitute for a real and honest communication of YOUR reality about the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What follows is my own commentary and more general thoughts, which may or may not apply to your situation; you will have to be the judge of that.  (What I wrote above is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; my opinion, but a plea for you to communicate &lt;em&gt;your reality,&lt;/em&gt; not a stranger's from the internet.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very very strange to me that some people marry a person who they are NOT excellent friends with.  It's a peculiarity of our society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's called &quot;viewing someone romantically&quot; usually has to do with &lt;em&gt;impulses&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;feelings&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;urges&lt;/em&gt; or what's known as &quot;chemistry.&quot;  To hell with all that stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; need in a marriage to make it work, is &lt;strong&gt;excellent communication&lt;/strong&gt; and the continuous &lt;em&gt;creation&lt;/em&gt; of the marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You certainly don't have to marry her.  And you don't have to start a romantic relationship.  But you don't have to &lt;em&gt;reject&lt;/em&gt; her, either.  You can just be friendly and open in your communication.  It &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1919" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T03:40:20.607" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6505" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6508" CreationDate="2017-11-09T04:29:10.123" Score="23" ViewCount="5860" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have many people I interact with on a daily or weekly basis on the web. Sometimes I get to know these people pretty well and, if I travel somewhere or they come to Austin, we decide to meet up. Often in these cases I've spent years mentally calling them &lt;em&gt;peanuts&lt;/em&gt; (short for &quot;peanutsfan&quot;), even if I know that their name is &quot;Sarah&quot;. I don't think of them as &quot;Sarah&quot;. When I talk about them with my husband, even, they're &quot;peanutsfan&quot;... so that adds another layer of confusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I spent a lovely lunch with one of these friends and, during that entire meal, we never used each other's names - neither usernames nor real names! Not even when we first greeted each other, despite us both knowing these names as we'd been emailing back and forth about it. I didn't really think about it during the lunch and afterwards, when we were back to chatting online, we both laughed about it. We both joked that we may very well have had lunch with two other people entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of what made this so uncomfortable was that we &lt;em&gt;hadn't&lt;/em&gt; thought about it ahead of time and asked what name we should use. We were already past the initial hellos by that point and I didn't want to derail the flow of our conversation by asking what to call them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I know which name to use when meeting someone I only know by their username?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Names changed to protect the friends&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T05:19:15.530" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T16:23:02.907" Title="How do I determine which name to use when meeting someone from a website for the first time in person?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6505" CreationDate="2017-11-09T04:38:33.427" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've met people through comminities online several times, and I always referred to them as their online name first. If they prefer to be called their real name, they will be sure to tell you &quot;Oh, you can call me Sarah&quot;, and I've never had anyone be offended by that. I have on the other hand have seen people get upset by people calling them by their real name when they preferred their online handle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To this day, I've met up with a particular group dozens of times, and they still call me by my online handle. In that group, everyone goes by their nickname save for two of them who prefer to be called their actual name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, it is safest to start off with their online handle, and let them decide what you should call them from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a really weird name and you feel uncomfortable calling them in public, you should probably tell them that and ask them ahead of time, or when you first meet, what they prefer to be called though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T04:38:33.427" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6505" CreationDate="2017-11-09T05:00:56.380" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Good Question! On one hand you could consider peanuts to be a 'nickname' of sorts and would probably be more comfortable using that. Yet on the other hand it could be quite weird for your friend as people in her life would certainly not use her net handle to address her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you perhaps did not know them so well then using the net handle first would be expected like in 雰囲気読めない人's answer, and then depending on how they ask you to call them you would form a habit and it would be normal to continue calling them whatever was first asked, even decades later. However, in your case I would say that using their real name would be the better of the two options. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've spent years mentally calling them peanuts&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I travel somewhere or they come to Austin&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These comments imply that you are already good friends and have spent years talking personally, and the only reason you had not already met up is the distance. In which case I would say you are past the point in the friendship where it is more polite to use the online name you know them by, and this is instead a great opportunity to make the awkward step forwards and call them by their real name which shows how you have gotten closer as friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you know them very well already and can get past the awkward initial moment of calling them something you are not used to; then I would try and call them by their real name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T05:00:56.380" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6505" CreationDate="2017-11-09T05:33:00.743" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; suggest just asking, even if it's not in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of good guesses you can make, especially if you know the person well enough to pick up on hints, but they'll always just be guesses; there's no one correct answer for everyone. Asking will either confirm your guess, or save you from making a mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it might feel a bit awkward to get all the way to the point of meeting and then ask, or even to get halfway through your meetup, but it's a lot less awkward than accidentally getting it wrong, or just continuing on not knowing what to call them until it's &lt;a href=&quot;https://xkcd.com/302/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; embarrassing to ask&lt;/a&gt;. Once you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; ask, you'll get past the awkwardness very quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that helps is that the other person is probably in the same boat. That even provides you a way to break the ice, if you like: &quot;hey, I realized I should say, you know me by two names, I'd probably prefer my real name - what about you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just starting with your best guess and letting them correct you &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; work, but it also puts them in the awkward position of having to correct you or go along with something they don't prefer. That wouldn't be an issue for everyone, but some people are nonconfrontational enough that it's better not to put them in that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2798" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T05:33:00.743" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6510" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6456" CreationDate="2017-11-09T07:22:57.703" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, here goes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;I cheat&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I thought you'd like my perspective:&#xA;I cheat because I think it's fun, for me. I also only do it only in games of chance and to see if I can get away with it. The thing is that I am quite open about this to everyone I play with. I inform them that I'm pretty good at stacking card decks in my favor when shuffling and when I want, dice aren't exactly fair. People still play with me and have fun, here's why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Cheating can help every game of chance&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to keep track of the rolled dice and drawn cards and I'll only cheat to make the game &quot;more fair&quot;. If someone is having a horrible dice streak, I'll suddenly also be rolling worse. If someone really needs to score or fall too far behind in a card game, he or she will suddenly have a godlike hand. This way games with my friends have way less discussion about people &lt;em&gt;only winning because they were 'lucky'&lt;/em&gt;. As such I'd implore you to check &lt;em&gt;if you always mind cheating&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How people around me take it into account&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people around me want to play the game as intended, without any cheating, they're upfront about it. They tell me &quot;We know you can do it, but we would prefer if you didn't &lt;em&gt;for this game&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. At that point it's up to me to decide whether I'll join or not. I prefer games that rely less on chance (part of the reason I started to learn how to cheat), so many times, I simply won't join then, however, at that point &lt;em&gt;all responsibility has been shifted towards me&lt;/em&gt;. If I'd dare to cheat after that, the moral tax put onto me is way heavier, because they trusted me and informed me about their expectation explicitly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8577" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T07:22:57.703" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6456" CreationDate="2017-11-09T07:33:43.250" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6456/what-to-do-with-a-friend-who-cheats-in-games/6464#6464&quot;&gt;@James' answer&lt;/a&gt; is brilliant, but further thoughts come to mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are quite possibly playing games which aren't suitable to the entire group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, people cheat for different reasons.  Sometimes those reasons can be addressed without addressing the cheating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Games are played for fun&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's going to be an emotional argument about whether or not the cheating took place, then the 'fun' of game-playing is going to evaporate completely.  Far better to enjoy what you can of the game, despite the cheat.  If the cheat is fully engaged, the chances are they will stop cheating once they feel they have a chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find games that they don't &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to cheat at.  There are tens of thousands of games available at any given time..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Although games are (mostly) competitive, gaming is collaborative&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's imperative to choose games that everyone wants to play and that everyone feels they have a good chance of winning at &lt;em&gt;without cheating&lt;/em&gt; - this doesn't mean that you believe they have a good chance at winning - they have to believe it themselves, without coercion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Innocence, Inexperience, Coercion are often factors for cheating. If someone doesn't really want (or doesn't feel able) to play, there's not much point expecting them to follow the rules.  If someone doesn't know the rules, or feels unable to meet the current skillset of the other players, they are more prone to cheat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likewise, and importantly, cheats tend to be those who &lt;em&gt;need to win&lt;/em&gt;, whereas most of us are satisfied by our &lt;em&gt;need to play&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Games like &lt;em&gt;Once Upon A Time&lt;/em&gt; and (of course the entire RPG genre such as &lt;em&gt;D&amp;amp;D&lt;/em&gt;) have abstracted &lt;em&gt;winning&lt;/em&gt; (almost) completely away such that there's nothing to win - there is just the play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Some games aren't easy to cheat at&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some games, like &lt;em&gt;Monkey Madness&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Gulo Gulo&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Carcassonne&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Coloretto&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Kahuna&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Taluva&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Zendo&lt;/em&gt;, (to a degree, &lt;em&gt;Fluxx&lt;/em&gt;) are great for playing with cheats because there's nothing to cheat at. (well, with Carcassonne, make sure the cheat isn't operating the scoring track!!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Many games are collaborative&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Play collaborative games with your cheat. There are many fun games available, such as &lt;em&gt;Hanabi&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Pandemic&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Lord Of The Rings&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Unlock&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Magic Maze&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Mysterium&lt;/em&gt; etc.  Many of the more recent ones prevent player domination also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8574" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T22:29:16.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6423" CreationDate="2017-11-09T07:45:47.090" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;This will be a tough sell on your parents to recognize and support you over - Misophonia is not currently a recognized condition or disorder, it has only been proposed in 2000. It's very possible that your parents don't think of it as &quot;real&quot; at all and think you are making excuses. I don't think it'll be easily possible for you to convince them otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could, however, discuss with your mother and try to get her to yell less and be nicer towards you. You don't need to frame this as a disability that you need accomodation to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain to your mother that her shouting at you makes you very uncomfortable and isn't likely to induce what she wants (you doing something) in any way. If your mother is at all considerate, she'll probably make an effort towards curbing that behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to frame this as a &quot;You should do this for me&quot; kind of argument, you could try convincing her to comply by highlighting what &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; can gain from this approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you want me to do something or are angry, you often shout at me.&#xA;  This makes me very uncomfortable and actively detracts me from doing&#xA;  what you want me to do. So if you want me to do something, a calm&#xA;  voice is actually more likely to get what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often times people are much more receptive to changing their behavior if you highlight what they can gain from it, and not just what you'll gain from it. You change &quot;This person wants something from me&quot; into &quot;This person is proposing a win-win situation&quot; which is easier to accept and work towards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T07:45:47.090" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6487" CreationDate="2017-11-09T08:58:55.890" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have ... similar issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, no matter how often you force yourself into uncomfortable social environments, you won't start to like them. You'll probably never be a party person, and when you don't enjoy the activity, you'll probably only resent having to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found helps me out tremendously with practising social interactions is to attend social activities where you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to partake in the activity. So instead of practising at a party, find a board game club you like. Or find a hobby group that does something you enjoy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This provides a nice conversation starter, too and it is much easier to socialize with people you share interests with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my recommendation would be to avoid forcing yourself to go to activities you have no interest in just to learn social interaction. Instead, find something you like that has social interactions in it, and partake in that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that being said, it's worth mentioning that being alone often in and of itself isn't unhealthy behavior. As long as you don't become a complete recluse, do what makes you happy and don't feel forced to adhere to whatever is &quot;an average number of social interactions&quot; or somesuch. Everyone is different, and as long as you have some contact with people, that's okay and you don't need to force yourself to be uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T08:58:55.890" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6505" CreationDate="2017-11-09T10:00:59.153" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;With the craze of Pokemon Go still rampant in my area I am always called by my username while in public. I reciprocate this to many other players about and they hardly ever tell me to not call them their username. Some will indicate (if we become close enough overtime) &quot;Hey call me X&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way to think of it is as such: would someone create a name for their self (their username) if they didn't like being called such?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8589" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T10:00:59.153" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6505" CreationDate="2017-11-09T10:40:24.730" Score="13" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Ask them which they'd prefer.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That seems the best way to make sure you're calling them by a name they're comfortable with. If you don't know what they'd prefer to be called, asking them is surely the best way to find out. (This even works in different contexts too, not involving internet friends: I knew a guy IRL whom I'd heard called both Jim and James, so I asked him outright if he had any preference.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, a &lt;em&gt;rough&lt;/em&gt; rule of thumb to gauge which name might be most appropriate - or at least convenient - is to consider &lt;strong&gt;what social context you're meeting them in&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're meeting them personally, and also meeting their real-life friends or family, then everyone else will be calling them by their real name, so it's probably easiest if you do so too, and also introduce yourself to these people by &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; real name.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're meeting them and a whole bunch of other internet friends, then everyone in the group will know each other by internet names, so it might make sense to call them by their internet name, because that's more likely to be something everyone is comfortable/familiar with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal experience&lt;/strong&gt;: I was in this situation myself, going to visit an internet friend IRL. We talked beforehand about what names to use for each other, and agreed to use our real names, because it would be weird for me to introduce myself as &quot;Rand&quot; to his friends or to call him by his internet name in front of his parents.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="25" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T10:40:24.730" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6519" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1713" CreationDate="2017-11-09T11:04:01.373" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Learning how to understand a new language with native speakers is often difficult. what others have said about Americans associating speaking slowly with treating someone as less intelligent is true, and is another factor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Your written English is very good, though; congratulations!) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a native speaker (of any language; tagalog, french, arabic, welsh, etc.) is speaking, since they are so familiar with the language and how the sounds &quot;fit&quot; together, they will run words together and &lt;em&gt;some of the sounds in the words actually change with more speed.&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;For instance, when someone says &quot;the little red ball&quot; slowly, it will sound like &quot;thee lit-tul reduh ball,&quot; but when speaking at a normal speed, it will actually sound like &quot;thuliddel redba.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not crazy when people say a phrase at two different speeds and it sounds like they're saying two different things; &lt;em&gt;it's because they ARE saying two different things.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because they are native speakers, and they are familiar with all the variations in sound that a word may end up sounding like in speech, and native speakers don't notice it. But since you are new to the language, every little difference in how they pronounce words is painfully obvious (you're more aware of what the native speaker is actually SOUNDING like than they are!) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Practical tips: &#xA;Don't sweat it! Smile at people, let them know that you are friendly even when you may not understand them (that's something people do in America). &#xA;Have fun. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something like, &quot;Sorry, I'm having trouble understanding you, do you mind saying that in a different way?&quot; &#xA;Having them come up with a different way to communicate their message means that they'll have to think of how to say it differently, which means that (hopefully) they'll slow down in how fast they're talking (because they will actually have to think about what they're saying). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say, &quot;I'm still learning English, and it's hard to understand you when you're speaking fast. do you mind just slowing down how fast you're talking or speaking more clearly? (this may work sometimes; other times it may not.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using items to help communicate (maps, pictures, phones, etc.) will help you understand what they're saying in the context. You will eventually start being able to process their blurred or fast speech more often, just by trying to understand it-- it's hard work though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep practicing! Keep trying! Even when you think you can't understand them, your brain is hard at work trying to come up with new patterns and comprehensions to understand the language. You &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; improve when you practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might listen to books on tape. they speak slowly, but will still introduce you to some of the ways native speakers compress or &quot;blur&quot; their words. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8592" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T11:04:01.373" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6505" CreationDate="2017-11-09T11:06:18.367" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say, if anyone told you his real name via the internet, you could use it. If he'd be unconfortable with that, he might not told. Despite of that, there are so many user names implying no clear pronunciation that it could be weird to try to pronounce the fantasy nickname. But asking the person is always a good option, at least to start a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8597" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T11:15:31.210" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T11:15:31.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6522" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6505" CreationDate="2017-11-09T13:05:13.917" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;By how they introduce themselves to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to be a fairly active member of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://mudcat.org/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Mudcat Cafe&lt;/a&gt; folk/roots/blues music forum, back in the days when most people &lt;em&gt;didn't&lt;/em&gt; have an online presence.  I attended a number of meet-ups in the UK, and also met some people from the site on business trips to Detroit.  This was back in the early 2000s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the States, members overwhelmingly introduced themselves by their username.  There seemed to be more of a tradition of using your &quot;handle&quot; over there, possibly inheriting from CB radio.  I had no problem with this - I've been online since before Netscape Navigator existed and I first used that username on a MUD, so I identified with it better than an internet newbie would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the UK though, I found people overwhelmingly introduced themselves by their actual name, and then said what their username was.  The UK never really had the CB radio thing, so it probably was not so natural here.  I've noticed at radio ham events in the UK though that they &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; generally identify themselves as their callsign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a historical view anyway.  These days though, we've got a generation everywhere who've grown up with usernames.  So someone 15-20 years younger than me can tell us how it is now! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T13:05:13.917" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6523" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6549" CreationDate="2017-11-09T13:39:47.323" Score="3" ViewCount="540" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's imagine that I go home after work and suddenly my colleague catches up with me and walks next to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since we have no common interests there is nothing to talk about or at least no any topic interesting for both of us comes in my mind. Eventually “that awkward silence” situation appears. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do respect my colleague and find him/her vary a decent man/woman. I know there are a few common ways how to deal with this situation: wearing headphones, sunglasses, or another accessory which will make you appear less approachable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe it will work but from my point of view it is quite easy to recognize and actually a bit rude, because it is like to say implicitly &quot;I don't want you to walk with me&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My situation is a bit different, because actually I have nothing against the fact that someone will come with me, but I do believe that if someone comes up to you that is his/her responsibility to come up with a topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just want to know whether it is something wrong with me or there is a way how to handle this situation with “that awkward silence”?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8605" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T14:43:29.097" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T14:43:29.097" Title="Is the person that comes up to you the one to initiate the topic of conversation?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-11-19T14:37:22.887" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6525" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6523" CreationDate="2017-11-09T14:04:16.787" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you asking for ways to avoid your colleague talking to you at all or are you simply looking for a way to start up a conversation?  You also don't specify how long you're walking together for - this could be a factor too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're asking for conversation starters, well, it's not necessarily down to the person joining to initiate the conversation.  A good opener in this instance could be &quot;Hey &lt;em&gt;name&lt;/em&gt;, how was your day?&quot;.  If it's the weekend, &quot;Hey &lt;em&gt;name&lt;/em&gt;, looking forward to the weekend?&quot; works just as well.  If something interesting happened at work that you were both involved in, maybe chat about that to pass the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no expectation of either party to have in-depth conversations.  Just make polite chit-chat to pass the time.  You may find, you actually have more in common than you realise.  After all, you both work for the same place, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7397" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T14:04:16.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1713" CreationDate="2017-11-09T14:13:11.343" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've personally always struggled with understanding people. I don't have a hearing problem, but I do have issue &lt;em&gt;parsing&lt;/em&gt; the sound that I hear (even in my own native language).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm well aware of the awkwardness that entails having to ask someone to repeat the same thing several times. They are likely to get annoyed, feeling that you're the problem.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to avoid the problem (= the person getting upset at your ineptitude) is by pointing at your ineptitude yourself. In principle, it's the same as making jokes about yourself so that others are less inclined to do so at your expense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Put the blame on yourself.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not suggesting that you've been explicitly blaming the American for speaking fast, but the way you address the problem can cause such an inference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you please talk more slowly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're being efficient by asking the &lt;em&gt;easiest&lt;/em&gt; fix for the current problem (that you can't understand them). Consider the more polite alternative:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, my English isn't as good. Would you mind speaking more slowly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts the blame on yourself. Because of that, asking them to speak slowly clearly means that you're asking them a favor, rather than trying to imply that &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are responsible for speaking too fast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Indirectly, this also reminds them that you are doing your best to speak to them in &lt;strong&gt;their&lt;/strong&gt; native language, which is not your native language. That reminder may make them more understanding of any communication issues that arise.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Point out the cause once. Experience the problem repeatedly.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you've asked them to speak more slowly, don't repeat that question. Repeating it insinuates that they didn't listen to your earlier request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can get away with asking them to speak &lt;em&gt;even slower&lt;/em&gt;, but you can only really do that once, and the problem may occur again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, don't point out the problem anymore. Just ask them to repeat themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;gdajlgjagllmalvmlagjagmalvmalmldmamglanvammeao&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry, my English isn't as good as yours. Would you mind speaking more slowly?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt; I would like to &lt;em&gt;jagmalvmalmldmamglanvammeao&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry, could you repeat that?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt; I would like to book a table.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; What date would you like to make a reservation for?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;vmalmldmamglanvammeao&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry, could you repeat that?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You pointed out the problem (fast speaking) once. Don't keep bringing attention to it, because that can be inferred as pointing out that they ignored your request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, since you honestly did not understand them, it's fair that you ask them to repeat themselves. The alternative (guessing what they said) would be much more impolite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that they are getting annoyed by your requests for them to repeat themselves, apologize for being the cause of the issue. &lt;strong&gt;To the American&lt;/strong&gt;, you are indeed the cause of the issue; he's used to being understood when he speaks the way that he does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Prove that you're making an effort.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice the difference between the two responses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;1&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt; Excuse me, I was told that &lt;em&gt;pgofdfdofz&lt;/em&gt; would be available today.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you please repeat that?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt; I was told that &lt;em&gt;the jacuzzi&lt;/em&gt; would be available today.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;2&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt; Excuse me, I was told that &lt;em&gt;pgofdfdofz&lt;/em&gt; would be available today.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. &lt;strong&gt;What&lt;/strong&gt; is supposed to be available today?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;American&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;The jacuzzi&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the second example, you are &lt;em&gt;proving&lt;/em&gt; that you understood most of what they said, but you didn't catch one important part. By asking what that specific part is, you are implicitly confirming that you understood everything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also means that the American might only repeat the words that you missed, which may be easier for you to understand, compared to hearing the entire sentence again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no way to guarantee that the person will not be upset. However, there are different reasons as to why the person may become upset, and you can try to minimize the reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;By expressing that your English is not good, you are reassuring the person that they are not at fault here. If they feel at fault, they will become defensive, which can manifest itself as getting upset.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they feel that the problem is caused by your (by not paying attention properly), they may get upset with you. By repeating what you did understand, you are proving to them that you're actually making an effort. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if they get upset because it's annoying to have to repeat themselves, then there is little you can do to prevent them from getting upset. If you didn't understand what they said, the only option you have is to ask them to repeat themselves. If they refuse to do so, then there's not much you can do about that other than apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T14:19:16.947" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T14:19:16.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6527" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="90" CreationDate="2017-11-09T14:21:10.317" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to respond as a parent of a child on the spectrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, there is nothing we wouldn't do and no length we wouldn't go to for our child.  We would move heaven and earth for him and if we discovered that moving to another state would be of benefit to him, we'd find jobs and move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People on the spectrum, especially high-functioning people, can have very rewarding careers in a field that they're passionate about.  They bring a laser-like focus and attention to detail that cannot be matched.  But it needs to be something they're passionate about.  Otherwise, they stand a good chance of failure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If my son were to say &quot;Dad, I'm interested in programming&quot;, I'd find a tutor for him and I'd find the best possible tutor for him. I'd work nights if I needed to in order to pay for it.  I'd make that investment in him.  But I'd also expect that investment to bear a result.  If he has no interest in or aptitude for programming, I'd want to know it so I can invest in my son in a way that will produce a result.  As the tutor, I'd expect you to share the results of that with me.  I don't need to know details, but if you as the expert feel that the tutoring in this subject area is not a productive use of his time and skills, I'd want to know.  Otherwise, I'd submit that the tutor is taking advantage of the situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, my son should be involved in the discussion as well.  it's my job as a parent to teach him to be an adult without me around.  That doesn't mean &quot;toss him to the wolves and see what happens&quot; but it does mean teaching self-advocating, knowing how to handle himself in unknown situations, and take feedback and process it.  This would be an important lesson for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT your suggestion: it's an interesting thought.  Some autistic folks show an amazing knowledge of detail about things that would put people into a swamp.  Granted you're a programming tutor and not a career coach (so it's outside the scope of your engagement), but it may be worth mentioning it to the folks to gauge their reaction.  I wouldn't say you're limiting him; I don't hear &quot;that's all he's capable of doing anyways&quot; from your post.  But if it is an interest of his, maybe logistics, inventory control, purchasing, or a similar field may be of interest to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck with this conversation!  It may be very difficult to have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T14:21:10.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6528" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6505" CreationDate="2017-11-09T14:29:22.120" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Typically, using the person's online name is more than acceptable and that person will introduce themselves and generally say &quot;call me X&quot; if they prefer something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's been the etiquette since the 1980s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T14:29:22.120" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="90" CreationDate="2017-11-09T14:39:50.960" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would advise against bringing this up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I suspect that he would be better suited to a more hands-on task, such&#xA;  as bagging groceries or stocking shelves. Partly, I believe this&#xA;  because it focuses on his interests directly. He has an acute memory&#xA;  for prices and locations of items in stores. He will regularly come in&#xA;  and tell me about an item that has been moved to a store that I've&#xA;  never gone to, or the name of the night manager (who he has never met,&#xA;  but has been named on a sign), a change in the open hours of a local&#xA;  pharmacy, or the price of gas at the different stations in town.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His parents probably hired you precisely to avoid their son getting stuck in what is a mostly minimum wage field forever. If you are truly convinced that programming isn't a good fit for him, however, you could look into other positions that incorporate that kind of passion as a recommendation, to &quot;soften the blow&quot; so to speak on the parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately it's a judgement call you have to make, but you're already on the right path by considering what your student needs before your own employment with his family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T14:47:16.280" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T14:47:16.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6456" CreationDate="2017-11-09T15:50:31.797" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Similar to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6456/what-to-do-with-a-friend-who-cheats-in-games/6464#6464&quot;&gt;James' answer&lt;/a&gt;, but slightly different.  Attempting to force someone to spend their own money could cause other interpersonal issues. As opposed to an out of game punishment, incorporate the cheating and the punishment into the game itself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, we used to play Spades all the time when I was in the Army,  there was a decent percentage of people who acted like your friend. &quot;If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying&quot; and &quot;It ain't cheating if you don't get caught&quot; were frequently heard.  Rather than resort to fighting, we simply incorporated that into the game.  If you didn't follow suit and nobody caught you, well, good for you.  If you were caught, you would automatically lose your bid for that hand and your opponents would automatically make theirs. Some people would go so far as to say you had to point to the exact trick where they reneged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side benefit to this, watching so closely made me a much better Spades players.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1685" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T00:10:35.033" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T00:10:35.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6533" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-09T16:36:39.437" Score="104" ViewCount="20834" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was at school, I received quite a lot of verbal bullying. This waxed and waned over the years, and generally it was patchy enough that I could put up with it in the long term, even if in the short term I had some miserable days. But there was one guy, who I’ll call Brian, who was very persistent. Even when we left school at 18 and most of my peers had long since grown out of this sort of behaviour, Brian was actively seeking out chances to put me down and show his contempt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s 10 years later and I am soon to be attending a school reunion. There are some old friends who I’m excited to be seeing, and a load of other acquaintances that I’m less bothered about, but with whom I’ll be happy to chit-chat and catch up a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then there’s Brian. I know it’s silly, but I still get a little tight in my chest thinking about the fact that I might end up bumping into him. I have no idea how he will react to seeing me – I’m guessing that he has probably grown out of the bullying, and even if he hasn’t, I’m more confident now in brushing off that sort of crap. Weirdly, &lt;strong&gt;what I’m more worried about is that he might cheerfully come up to me and ask how I’m doing, either forgetting or ignoring the way he behaved towards me in the past. If that happens, I’m really not sure how I should react.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don’t feel that I have anything to gain from a confrontation – I’m unlikely to have any contact with Brian beyond this, and I strongly suspect that bringing up the bullying will not resolve anything and could make me look petty to others who are present. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The idea of being friendly towards him as if nothing has happened bothers me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I also don’t want to spend the whole day actively avoiding him, as that would interfere with meeting other people. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to have a clear idea about what I might say, as I know that if I’m caught off-guard, I may end up making bitter comments or creating awkwardness. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My ideal outcome would be to end the conversation as quickly as possible, without being confrontational, but also without being false – I don’t want to pretend I like Brian when I don’t. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3561" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T05:36:13.867" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T12:46:30.643" Title="Meeting someone who used to bully me" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;&lt;reunions&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6534" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-09T16:48:02.430" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it were me I would just practice what I would say.  I didn't have this with &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; class reunion, but oddly I ended up with someone from my home town and had some angst over &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; class reunion.  The point is I decided what I would say, rehearsed that and had it ready.  It need not be complex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi,it's nice to see you are doing well.  If you can excuse me, I have&#xA;  some people I knew in high school I want to go catch up with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then you just walk up to someone else you actually care to talk to.  If he persists or come back around you can add to that something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not really interested in rehashing high school with you and we&#xA;  weren't really friends, so I would just prefer that we not talk about&#xA;  any of it.  Thanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And again, exit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not owe it to him to hear him out, make him comfortable nor does it serve any purpose to tell him exactly what you think of him.  This just shuts it down. You can ignore anything said to you. I don't even recall what was said to me.  I had practiced enough in my head I knew what my reply for &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; would be, so no need to actually pay too much attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are right though.  I have never heard of someone showing up to the reunion and continuing a long ago bullying pattern.  I am sure it must have happened somewhere, but it's not typical to see.  What is more common is people acting like they always liked you and have no clue why you don't love running into them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastEditorUserId="1652" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T17:09:46.187" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T17:09:46.187" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6535" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-09T16:56:23.333" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You just brush him off and ignore him. Like you said, you outgrown the problem and you will not gain anything from talking with Brian.  Simply respond to his question and move along with any conversation you had prior to that. Being rude in this case is the right answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastEditorUserId="5242" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T15:20:43.723" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T15:20:43.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6536" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1986" CreationDate="2017-11-09T17:00:09.067" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When X asks you about a loaded topic, laughingly say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You really should ask Y about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;where Y is one member of the family you know likes to argue as well and is from the opposing faction from the one X belongs to/supports.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then smile and either move away or immediately start to discuss another topic, e.g. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By the way, do you know where Aunt Petunia put the broom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you seen yesterday's match of the Cannons? Was'nt it awesome!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you give them another target, implicitly let them know that you are not interested in the topic and then either remove yourself from the conversation or distract them with another topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may use a two-step strategy to divert the topic. If you use a question of immediate importance like the first question above, you give it a certain urgency to be answered (you give the impression you need the broom soon).  Once you got an answer the other person is already off their track (the original topic is pushed back), you can then build on the answer or just dive into another topic (like with the second example). Or you can use it as an excuse to leave (e.g. to fetch the broom).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T17:00:09.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-09T17:43:56.930" Score="111" Body="&lt;p&gt;Time changes everything.  He may be embarrassed by his past behavior, he may have forgotten, he may have even thought you were in on the jokes and not hurt by them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What matters is now.  If he's friendly, then let it be. Who knows, you may have a new friend.  This happened to me at a reunion.  People who gave me a hard time in school are now some of my best friends.  It's the past and it's best for &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; to let it go.  Holding onto old hurt feelings takes energy from your life that you don't need to spend.  I'm saying this from experience.  I had a hellish existence growing up with a hearing impairment, autism, and neuromotor issues from brain damage. I was walking around with a HUGE bull's-eye on my back. But, people age and mature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's still a jerk, then that is a reason to ignore him now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for his past behavior, don't confront him, don't ignore him, and you don't have to engage him at all. If he wants to bury the hatchet, let him.  If he treats you like an old friend, let it go and make a new friend.  Don't focus on old wounds, let them heal. It's better for you, which is what matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let him be the focus of your reunion.  Have a good time and don't overthink it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T20:39:21.413" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T20:39:21.413" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6540" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-09T19:04:45.620" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My ideal outcome would be to end the conversation as quickly as possible, without being confrontational, but also without being false – I don’t want to pretend I like Brian when I don’t.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do just that.  Look up ways to exit a conversation and you can engage in small talk about what's changed in profession, school or life and easily end it, since this is your ideal outcome with him.  You said there are other people you look forward to meeting, so you already have one easy exit, &quot;Hey, I'm going to go say hi to Jane ...&quot; and there's nothing awkward or unusual about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a final thought: my high school bully was physically violent with me multiple times.  I never got to see him again because he committed suicide.  It could be a bully has a lot going on in his or her life that causes them to act out that way.  I never wished to see him, until I had heard that he had passed.  Then I realized that I missed an opportunity to be gracious to him and let the whole situation go.  It may not feel good to do that at the time, but it might be an experience you later are glad you did.  Just consider it; I'm not suggesting being gracious.  But it might free you for the rest of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides, he may not even be there at the reunion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T19:04:45.620" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6541" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6545" CreationDate="2017-11-09T19:21:53.717" Score="5" ViewCount="561" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my coworkers is moving out of their parents' house this weekend to get an apartment of their own. I think it would be a nice gesture to get a small &quot;move-in present.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm on friendly terms with them, but I only started working here 4 months ago and see the coworker maybe four or five times a week. Since I haven't known the coworker that long, I was thinking something cheap and small, but definitely useful&amp;mdash;more giving a gift for the gesture than the actual gift (maybe a box of tissues, or a some dish soap).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this a good idea? Would it be weird to receive a gift like this from someone you haven't known that long or that well? If so, what type of gift would you suggest?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8623" LastEditorUserId="3" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T23:40:09.320" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T23:40:09.320" Title="Is a move-in gift a good idea?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6541" CreationDate="2017-11-09T19:44:41.280" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've got a couple of factors to consider here.  First of all, this is someone you've known for 4 months.  Secondly, and I don't see the answer here, is a gender issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you've really become good friends, I'd suggest that giving a move-in gift to someone you've known for a short time would be premature.  Secondly, at this stage and if you and the recipient are of differing genders, that could be misinterpreted very badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, I think it's not a good idea and I'd suggest holding off.  Get to know them better, and then give a delayed housewarming gift.  I think that the last thing you'd want when you're new at a job is to be thought of as creepy or hitting on a co-worker. @Tinkerinbell has an excellent idea of a group gift - if someone's doing that, it would be a nice gesture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T19:44:41.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6543" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6541" CreationDate="2017-11-09T20:15:37.620" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My first impulse is that four months is a bit soon to do a housewarming gift for someone you've only known for a few months. This goes double if they're the opposite sex. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But,if you want to get your coworker something small to mark their moving (and IF you are very sure it won't come across as hitting on them), maybe get them a gift card for a small denomination (~$10-$25 or so) to a home supply store. A gift card is perfect for this - it's useful but also a bit more impersonal, so it's less loaded than trying to come up with a housewarming gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7976" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T20:15:37.620" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5143" CreationDate="2017-11-09T20:26:23.213" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR - Don't say you think it won't work. Say &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you are worried about your long-term relationship. Let him react.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My situation isn't exactly the same, but there may be some parallels that could be helpful to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have been friends for about 11 years, pretty close to your 12 years. Two years into our relationship we started dating each other. I met her immediate family the same year, then I met her whole extended family the next year. Everyone knew things were serious. Then, at the end of that year, we broke up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We spent the majority of the next year in agony, but toward the end of the summer we started talking again. By the fall, she decided to live near me. We were engaged before Christmas. Around that time we started living together. As we did, I began to notice little things about my wife-to-be. She seemed physically attracted to many female celebrities, but not many male celebrities. The next year, she raised the possibility of us seeking a threesome with a woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I were both raised in very conservative religious households, but I am a freethinker and read a lot--I was aware of LGBT issues. I suggested to her that she might not be all the way straight. At the time, she didn't give it much thought. We got married that summer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After we got married, she kept thinking about this possibility of not being straight. She didn't like to voice it aloud directly, because it scared her that she might be in conflict with her upbringing. However, because I was comfortable with it, she did start to express her physical attraction for women more often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also had a friend that was questioning her own sexuality. One day they decided to share a kiss, to see how it felt. They both enjoyed it, but my wife's friend wanted to do more right away--and my wife wasn't comfortable with it, as she wasn't really romantically interested in her friend. My wife stopped talking about LGBT issues for a little while after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife had a best friend, however, that she &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; romantically interested in. As time went on, she had trouble not admitting to herself that it was the case. We talked about it a lot, and she decided to share her feelings with her best friend. Her best friend shut her out of her life, and my wife was understandably wounded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About this time, I told my wife that I wasn't certain that I was cisgender, and I started to explore presenting female sometimes. So, my wife considered herself bisexual and I considered myself bigender, but my wife didn't like to label herself much. She felt like a fake since she couldn't have a relationship with a woman. My wife was also nervous about my gender identity. Though most people she's attracted to are women, I was one of the few men that she actually liked as a man. She was uncomfortable with the idea of me presenting female at first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast-forward a few years, things are going really well for me and my wife, but my wife still wants something more. She has friends who are polyamorous, but she's not sure how she feels about having more than one lover simultaneously. She gave a relationship with a woman a shot, and she really fell in love. During that time of getting to know her, she asked me if it would be all right and told me that while she was getting to know her that she might be distant because she would have to learn if and how she could share. Unfortunately, that woman turned out to be on the cusp of a psychological breakdown, so that relationship fell through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how does this help you? The lesson learned from this whole experience was that my wife and I could continue to have a deeply intimate romantic relationship and marriage with each other (with or without sex, though that has resumed). Ultimately, as others are saying, you need to talk with him about your feelings, but don't sound fatalistic when you do it. Don't tell him you don't think it will work out; tell him you're worried. Tell him why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be ready for some hurt feelings, but don't be the one to doom the relationship. If you're lucky, it may even turn out that you can continue to have a long and intimate relationship--no matter what circumstances the two of you have to learn to deal with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8629" LastEditorUserId="8629" LastEditDate="2017-11-09T20:33:13.740" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T20:33:13.740" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6541" CreationDate="2017-11-09T20:47:00.297" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Four months is not so soon as to be inappropriate to give a gift nor so long as to make the lack of one a faux pas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A small card and a gift appropriate for a house, such as a gift card to a store that has housewares that they may need is more than adequate.  Just keep the amount spent to a humble amount, lest they feel obligated to reciprocate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T20:47:00.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6523" CreationDate="2017-11-09T20:58:09.103" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming you want to continue the conversation, you should consider meeting them halfway, and hope they will meet you halfway too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some times other people just completely shut down the conversation for me? For instance, if I try to talk to someone about everyday chitchat:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: &amp;quot;How was your weekend?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: &amp;quot;Good.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, B just ended the conversation with me. 1.) They didn't give any info about their weekend, so they don't want to talk about their weekend. 2.) They didn't ask me about my weekend meaning they don't care about my weekend, so I can't continue the topic and talk about my weekend. Now I feel really awful for asking them about their weekend, because they hate me and don't enjoy talking to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if B were to try and meet me halfway like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: &amp;quot;How was your weekend?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: &amp;quot;Good, I got to see Thor: Ragnorok. How was your weekend?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: &amp;quot;Oh! I heard great reviews about it, but what did you think of it?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: (B's opinion, etc etc) ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: &amp;quot;Oh, interesting, I wish I could see it&amp;quot; but I've been busy (doing whatever) all weekend, and probably next weekend too...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then B has a choice of asking you what you've been up to, or bring up that &amp;quot;the movie might make it to netflix eventually anyway&amp;quot; if they felt like keeping the conversation going or you can change the topic to a movie you've seen, or shows on netflix you've been in to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it's really up to if they will help you continue the conversation too, so maybe it's not your fault. In your case, it looks like they want to talk to you (if they keep seeking you out after work) so maybe you're shutting down the conversation with them? (Not sure of course) But if they're asking you about your day or something, don't be afraid to give little unimportant details? To let them have a chance to continue the conversation? (If you want to continue talking of course)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're having trouble thinking up topics, there's always their plans for the upcoming weekend/holidays, pets, latest news, kids, how their day at work was, the show / game / etc that you're in to lately... etc. Maybe one of them will lead to a common interest you both can play off of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6888" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-09T21:05:25.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6547" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-09T21:34:14.317" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have had this happen to me, so I'll pitch in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Meet and greet him like you would any other from way back when&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he has grown up by the slightest amount he will be slightly ashamed and uncertain how to handle meeting &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;. If he is not, pity him - but don't give him any attention. You don't have to, anymore. I remember very well that just meeting my friends and schoolmates brought me back to how it was, I was suddenly very much the same person I used to be. It surprised me. However, I was also able to notice this change in me and &quot;hold on&quot; to my new persona, or my evolved/experienced self, if you will. As you, I was bullied to some extent at school, but fortunately through college and later years I found my place, my voice and my self confidence. Your self confidence, which you won back in the years after school is there still, and will remain there. Trust it. The best way to test it is to meet your old nemesis with a blank sheet. If you can do that, then you have risen above it. The old feelings were very near to me, but I was in charge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, the person who had bullied me came up to me and apologied and shook my hand. I said - in essence - &quot;thank you, that is more than I expected and it means something to me, all is forgiven.&quot; It was a very profound moment for me. Later that evening when I had returned home I kept thinking about it, I shed some tears. I called my mother and we talked about it. And I am a grown man. Weird how stuff from the past still can impact the present. The main point is that even if he was a bully and you were a victim, that is no longer the case, unless you let it be the case. Just hang on to the present state, you are a grown man, your self confidence is within you and within the things you care about and the things you have created - it is actually not possible to hurt it. Your feelings are going to be all over the place - to acknowledge ones feelings is something a &quot;centered&quot; person must do. Your feelings are your feelings, they are not you, the core of &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; is not as fragile as it was. For the new you, it is possible to be sad, hurt or afraid without caring about appearing weak. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My advice is: Meet him like any other person, but don't hang around&#xA;  unless you want to. Go talk to someone whose story you'd like to hear.&#xA;  Maybe he'd like to talk to you. Maybe that's ok. Maybe he is the same&#xA;  dickwad he used to be. You know now the world is full of dickwads, he&#xA;  is not special in any way, he is just like the others. No point&#xA;  spending any time around him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;edit: I wrote this as if you were a man, since I am one. If you're not, everything still applies, just replace the pronoun with one of your choosing.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5494" LastEditorUserId="5494" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T09:03:51.480" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T09:03:51.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6523" CreationDate="2017-11-10T01:00:52.270" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is definitely a bad way to handle it. If I was walking to my car after work with someone chatting and they put on headphones, that would 100% be rude. However if either party starts out with headphones, the appropriate thing to do would be to do a quick smile-and-nod and continue walking your merry separate ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, assuming the walk is short there is always something to talk about. If the common &quot;how was your weekend&quot; chat dries up, you can always fall back on complaining. Complain about anything. Gas prices. Your phone battery dying. Is it a gorgeous fall day? Complain about the snow that's right around the corner. Complain about a common gripe, and your coworker can join in! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I wouldn't say complaining should be your go-to, but it's a solid last-resort awkward-stopper. I try to balance every complain-y conversation I have with 2 positive ones. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8639" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T04:27:40.510" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T04:27:40.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6550" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-10T03:46:17.470" Score="0" ViewCount="659" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently an intern in a company in Singapore. My supervisor's colleague gave me a small task and asked me to collate some details about others interns. I did it and sent him an email. He replied &quot;Thanks!&quot;. Should I reply back something like &quot;No problem&quot; / &quot;It's alright&quot; or shall I just leave it and don't reply anything? I want to be nice. Is it ok if I just do not reply back anything or is it more polite to at least reply back a &quot;No problem&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks in advance for any answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7327" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T07:25:56.047" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T11:33:34.747" Title="Should I reply to the email or just leave it?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;&lt;singapore&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-02-19T12:41:50.113" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6550" CreationDate="2017-11-10T03:49:56.533" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the US, it would be all right to respond with &quot;You're welcome&quot; or something similar.  Also, does your supervisor know you did this?  It would be good to let him/her know as well. The main thing, again relative to US culture, is not to be seen as &quot;sucking up&quot; to other bosses.  Some like it but the really good bosses see through it and don't.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T03:49:56.533" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6550" CreationDate="2017-11-10T04:00:40.460" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;At least in my work culture (Japan) it is seen that the one receiving work should always end the email conversation. In this case, I would respond with something along the lines of, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You're welcome. If you have any questions regarding (insert the thing you did), please let me know.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, it isn't just a simple &quot;You're welcome&quot;, but offering clarification if it is needed, and it doesn't come off as you ignoring them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not entirely sure how things are done in other countries, so I'm not sure how applicable it is to your specific workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastEditorDisplayName="user4788" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T05:28:02.293" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T05:28:02.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6550" CreationDate="2017-11-10T05:54:49.020" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not sure if this is cultural thing (I'm Australian) but it would be considered quite annoying and 'spam-like' if we responded to such emails. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My supervisor's colleague&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am assuming they are also in a supervisor position so they probably task tons of small tasks every day; and with emails especially its considered more polite to keep it as simple and on-task as possible to help them manage time. If you wanted to say something extra I would have added it as a small footer in the email you originally sent when you completed the project but I wouldn't stress over it, doing the project well and on time is what they will &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; appreciate. They have already acknowledged your work and responded with &quot;Thanks&quot; so I can't see any good coming of responding again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T05:54:49.020" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-10T05:57:51.283" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;High School reunions have a weird way of putting us right where we were socially and emotionally then. It's the only experience your classmates had with most of each other, so... I can see a bully wanting to relive his days as &quot;joking around&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you're an adult now. Maybe the bully is, too. Maybe he was put in his place and has regrets, but you'll never know if you simply ignore him, unless that's what you've decided to do no matter what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise you to be open to a conversation with the bully if he approaches you. If it's superficial and not forthcoming, you can say something gentle, like, &quot;You don't remember much about our interactions, do you?&quot; You can excuse yourself at that point, not having caused a scene. Or you can risk talking about it. You're a different person now, and this is definitely a vulnerable spot to be in. But you have the potential to be asked for forgiveness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please keep in mind that I neither was a bully nor bullied in high school, so I don't speak from direct experience. Mostly I speak from the hope that people change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T05:57:51.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6550" CreationDate="2017-11-10T07:22:05.130" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think that is necessary, since:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He recieved the work and had a chance to look at it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He didn't have any further queries.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sending something like &quot;You're welcome. If you have any further questions, feel free to ask&quot; wouldn't hurt, but it's not necessary I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often times, what supervisors and senior colleagues will appreciate is if you save them time. In this case, I think not answering would be better and leave a better impression, since you've already delivered the work on time and (presumably) correctly. No need to interfere further in that impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T07:22:05.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6560" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6567" CreationDate="2017-11-10T08:51:19.697" Score="48" ViewCount="12759" Body="&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every day, we are eating at a table of 10 people and there is a man that I like but who is not my friend, just a coworker that I only see during breaks who always comments on the food choices of other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Examples of what he can say:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;You should not be eating grapefruit, it's bad for you&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hey [random name], you're eating too much mayonnaise, your heart will fail&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Fries every day? Seriously, are you trying to kill yourself?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Meat again? Oh boy, do you know that it is a bad habit&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;More Information:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The funny part is that he is the only one that is fat at the table. Talking for myself, I think that breaks should be relaxing moments without negative comments. The problem is that I can't eat at another table as my manager always selects this table to let his engineers eat with their friends (including the man I'm talking about). &lt;strong&gt;So changing tables is not an option.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Another &amp;quot;problem&amp;quot; is that he is the kind of person that doesn't like being told anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already told him that what I eat is my business, but he just said back &amp;quot;even if it's your problem, you should not be eating this&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is 53, I'm 24.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to make him understand that he should not say anything like this in order to leave me (us?) in peace. Even if he is technically correct in his statements, I (we) would still prefer that he stop making comments on our meal choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3837" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-12T06:59:26.780" Title="How can I politely say to my coworker that he should not comment on what I am eating" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-12-07T13:38:50.110" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6563" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-10T09:06:21.287" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You'll likely have to be confrontational to address this, but you could try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wearing headphones (the ultimate &quot;don't talk to me&quot; social cue)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sitting as far away from him as possible at the table&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reading a book during lunch (the lesser &quot;don't talk to me&quot; social cue)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of these work or are not applicable, you'll have to confront. I suggest something along those lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really don't appreciate your commenting on my food. I'm an adult and&#xA;  can choose what I eat. Please mind your own plate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important that you don't directly address his concerns like you did. You should make it clear in your response that it is not his place to ask or comment, not that you disagree with his comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, chances are he won't take that very well, which is why I suggested alternative methods first. But short of ignoring his comments that's probably the best you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is of course the nuclear option of lodging a complaint with your manager or HR, and the super nuclear option of going to HR and describing this as harassment, but you'd most likely want to avoid those, as they can be career limiting for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T09:06:21.287" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6565" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6571" CreationDate="2017-11-10T09:16:58.007" Score="73" ViewCount="12745" Body="&lt;p&gt;So as a free software developer, I'm fond that there are users of my projects. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, from time to time, it happens that some people who are definitely not in the target audience for a piece of software attempt to use it and expect support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I'm developing a software library (i.e. a re-usable piece of software which can’t be used on its own but is used in applications to achieve something) which achieves X but based on a larger framework/library Y. Sometimes, I get users who want to achieve X but have no idea how to use Y. I try to defer them to use library Z which achieves X without needing Y, which doesn’t always work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, they start to go through the examples and documentation (which is good), but which aren’t made to be really usable without at least a basic understanding of how Y works. Now they expect me to help them with their issues using Y, not their issues using my project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is in part because they can’t distinguish problems arising from their lack of knowledge about Y from problems arising from their lack of knowledge about my project (I'm happy to accept and answer questions arising from the latter: because they show that my documentation is insufficient).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my question is: How do I defer them to first learn the basics about Y without appearing rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I tried when asked how to do something specific was to reply with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anyone with basic understanding of how Y works would be able to infer that from the examples. I can’t teach you how Y works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure if that is too rude, and/or if there is a better way. In general, I want to avoid offending my (even prospective) users or to appear to be on a high horse, because I wouldn’t like that myself when trying to use and/or contribute to a project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2778" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T10:45:23.133" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T16:40:38.113" Title="How to politely handle support requests which lack some basic understanding?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6565" CreationDate="2017-11-10T09:23:54.037" Score="64" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anyone with basic understanding of how Y works would be able to infer&#xA;  that from the examples. I can’t teach you how Y works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's pretty rude. You're basically using a polite way of saying &quot;If you weren't incompetent, you wouldn't be asking this question&quot;, which is kinda true in your case, but that's not what you want to bring across and not helpful to the user in any way. You want these users to go for easier alternatives instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you should probably focus on how your new users could benefit more from another framework, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you try Z instead, as my library requires a&#xA;  significant amount of understanding of Y to be utilised properly and I&#xA;  am not able to provide a full tutorial on how to use Y in this context&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This achieves several things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The focus is on redirecting the user and helping them, instead of telling them why they shouldn't have asked&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's not rude or insulting in any way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being shown a path forward, the new user is less likely to keep annoying you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is not applicable because the users completely lack context in what they're doing and would be probably unable to use other libraries for the same lack of knowledge, you can take a different but still friendly tone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you visit a tutorial or acquire some knowledge in&#xA;  Y, since it is required for both my library and similar ones of its&#xA;  type. I'm not in a position to teach you how to use Y since this is&#xA;  not in the scope of my product's support&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T10:44:37.947" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T10:44:37.947" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-10T09:40:42.827" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;Judging from what you said in the comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes but it looks like he doesn't like what he is eating since he is always complaining.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your co-worker might very well be feeling a little jealous.&lt;/strong&gt; Trust me, I'm dieting myself, and it's pretty hard to see co-workers eat the nice cafeteria petit pains with salmon or brie, and I'm there chewing a slice of dry bread with a slice of chicken, no butter allowed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The smell of fries is also very tempting, just like sugary fruits like grapefruit. If he's on a diet and doesn't want to eat these, he might be making these statements just for his own confirmation. Saying out loud that something is bad might be his only way to keep his lust for these kinds of foods in check. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would not take his comments too serious, reply with a joke, maybe offer him a compliment on how healthy his choices are. So for example: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Fries every day? Seriously, are you trying to kill yourself?&quot; &lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Ah well, the people that drink water every day eventually also die. By the way, I've noticed you're only picking a lot of healthy things lately, are you dieting?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you know if he really is on a diet, you just wave the conversation the next time: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Fries every day? Seriously, are you trying to kill yourself?&quot; &lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Ha. Healthy veggies for you again today I see? Good job sticking to your diet. &amp;lt; &lt;em&gt;insert a change of topic here&lt;/em&gt; &gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I do to make him understand that he should not say anything like this in order to leave me (us?) in peace. Even if he can be right, he should not tell people what to do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, if you really feel this strongly about it, and want it to stop, the best approach might not be the most polite. Make sure you assert your boundaries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Co-worker, please listen to me. The last few lunches you've been commenting on my food choices. I don't feel comfortable when you're doing that, so could you please stop it? I don't know why you do it, and I don't want to know. I just want to eat my lunch in peace. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T09:48:36.070" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T09:48:36.070" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-10T09:50:38.427" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could try to tell him, why you would appreciate not hearing such comments, in a polite way. The core of that approach is what you wrote here&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think that pause should be a relaxing moment without any negative comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of accusing him of anything (&lt;em&gt;&quot;[...] he is the kind of person that doesn't like being told anything.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;) and make him become defensive, and to lower the risk of a response like &lt;em&gt;&quot;even if it's your problem, [...]&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, just stick to the effect it has on you and what the lunch break means to you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for your concern. For me, the [shared meal] is a moment to relax from work and enjoy some free time with colleagues, including you. Being questioned about my personal decisions makes me feel uncomfortable and impairs my positive experience. I'm sure that you mean well, but please honor my request. (Maybe there is another way you could let us know [&lt;em&gt;In case he could share his wisdom with you (all) an a way that can be easily ignored.&lt;/em&gt;].)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above is not meant to be exactly what you should say, since you will no doubt find a better way to express it, but rather to highlight &lt;strong&gt;what&lt;/strong&gt; to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What the meal means to you (all)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That he has good intentions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How it impairs your enjoyment, the &lt;strong&gt;effect(s)&lt;/strong&gt; it has on you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask him to stop (without accusing him)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Present a way out for him, if possible (main purpose is to weaken his arguments &lt;strong&gt;for&lt;/strong&gt; acting like this.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you are not telling him what to do, but you may make him understand, why he shouldn't do it. It's polite and non-accusatory, so it bears very little risk. It does bear some risk, depending on how mean he is, but with other people around, he would make himself look very rude. On the other hand, he may still ignore it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-11T04:05:23.517" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T04:05:23.517" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6570" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-10T10:18:54.920" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I want to answer someone's &lt;em&gt;&quot;concerns&quot;&lt;/em&gt; being as accurate as possible, I need to understand as much as I can what the other person thinks and feels. Here, you say that &lt;em&gt;he's fat, and on diet. He's older than you, most likely less healthy.&lt;/em&gt; What's in his mind? Let me jump in his boots...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, this &lt;em&gt;young&lt;/em&gt; guy is eating [ &lt;em&gt;any junk food I can't have myself&lt;/em&gt; ] again, while I have only these [ &lt;em&gt;any tasteless item&lt;/em&gt; ]. Really. I wish I could still enjoy myself with [ &lt;em&gt;what you're eating&lt;/em&gt; ].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To him, it's just not fair! As often, &lt;strong&gt;when they can't, they rant&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my mind, this guy is doing this, not &lt;em&gt;against you&lt;/em&gt;, but &lt;em&gt;&quot;against the system&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. He would most probably do that about anything, &lt;em&gt;to anyone&lt;/em&gt;, because you can, and he can't. &lt;strong&gt;He feels bad, and so, wishes to deflect his sense of frustration towards you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If my analysis is right, I can only try and deflect back. I would say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, I noticed you're doing a great job taking care of your health. I need to work hard at the gym, 5 times a week. But I know that I'll have to be more careful in the future, and might have to change my dietary habits, I just don't know yet how and when I'll do it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you acknowledge his attempt to take care of himself, you kind of &quot;&lt;em&gt;prove him right&lt;/em&gt;&quot; (and people who rant like that, even if it can open the door to more). And if it's not enough, you can add something like: &lt;em&gt;You know, I'm just enjoying myself right now, I love to have a complete break at lunch time in order to relax. Please don't feel offended if I keep quiet.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T10:18:54.920" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6565" CreationDate="2017-11-10T10:22:57.043" Score="112" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Anyone with a basic grasp on interpersonal skills wouldn't be posting this question.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This title is unequivocally rude. Just to be clear, this is not my real answer, it's the example that proves the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You were intending to send your short message to this person, likely with no surrounding context. When you read this title, before you read the rest of the answer, you were in a similar position of having no surrounding context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the absence of a further elaboration, the title (and your suggested phrasing) comes across as not just rude, but also hostile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your phrasing is the issue&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand what you are trying to say. Your statement is &lt;em&gt;objectively correct&lt;/em&gt;. You're seeing your words as well-meaning, correct and tersely efficient. But you're not seeing that the other person cannot inherently know that you are not upset with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You left no markers to suggest that your reply is well intended (and you're not just annoyed), and it also contains pieces that imply the opposite (that you are indeed annoyed and close to calling them stupid).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anyone with basic understanding of how Y works &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rest of the reply doesn't even matter, this immediately puts the other person on the defensive. You're reprimanding them &lt;em&gt;for not having a basic understanding of how Y works&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Anyone&quot;&lt;/em&gt; suggests that &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; person is being unusually ignorant, and that pretty much everyone else is better at it than them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Basic&quot;&lt;/em&gt; suggests that the problem is hilariously trivial (and implies that it's not worth your time or effort).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;would be able to infer that from the examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;would be able&quot;&lt;/em&gt; is a conditional. In the current context, it is understood as &quot;this should be the case, but apparently not for you&quot;. You're not just calling their abilities into question, you're almost explicitly stating that you &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; that they're unable to understand the examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Infer&quot;&lt;/em&gt; is the problem here. Inferences happen privately (and in silence), so you're inherently berating the person for &lt;strong&gt;contacting&lt;/strong&gt; you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;From the examples&quot;&lt;/em&gt; is making a similar claim. It states that the examples are clear and obvious and implies that &lt;em&gt;asking a question&lt;/em&gt; is unwarranted (which again labels the person as unusually ignorant).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can’t teach you how Y works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're trying to say is that &lt;em&gt;you can't teach Y&lt;/em&gt;. However, what you're actually saying is that &lt;strong&gt;you can't teach this person&lt;/strong&gt; (about the workings of Y).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this allows for the inference that you're calling the person ignorant, incapable of understanding it &lt;em&gt;even if you were to teach them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What you told the person:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is a trivial problem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Anyone else would understand this, but you seemingly don't.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You should read the examples in silence, instead of asking me questions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even if I were to teach you, you wouldn't get it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What you should tell them:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My tool cannot solve this particular problem, it only helps with X.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To solve the problem when using my tool, you can use Y.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Alternatively, you can also use Z instead of my tool, which avoids your current issue and doesn't require Y.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The best resource for information on Y is the official Y documentation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The best resource for information on Z is the official Z documentation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting that information in a reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My tool does not feature a solution for your current problem. It's only intended to help with X.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  In order to fix your problem when using my tool, I would suggest you take a look at Y on &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.google.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;their official website&lt;/a&gt;. There, you can also find &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.google.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;examples&lt;/a&gt; on how to fix your current problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you can use Z as an alternative to my tool. Z does not have the current problem, so you won't need to work around it using Y. For information on Z, I suggest you take a look at &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.google.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;their official website&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Footnote:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;I used &quot;your problem&quot; a lot, the repetition is a bit grating. But this is because I don't know what the problem is. You do, when you're writing your reply.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;Try to refer to it with a concrete description of the problem, don't just call it &quot;your problem&quot;.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Why is my version more polite?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe it helps to compare the differences:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have not called this person's knowledge into question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I haven't implied that anyone else would already know what I'm telling them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I stuck to the facts. You need Y to work around the problem. &lt;strong&gt;Whether this person already understands Y or not is irrelevant&lt;/strong&gt;, they are capable of looking up a tutorial by themselves if they feel they need it. There's no need for me to make a statement about their aptitude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I never suggested teaching them; which means I also never had to explicitly refuse teaching them. You don't want to teach this person, then never mention teaching them. Stick to the facts.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I offered Z as an alternative, but I did not explain why I think this person may prefer Z over X+Y. There's no need for me to tell him that I think he's not skilled enough. This person can look at Z and X+Y, and &lt;strong&gt;can decide for themselves&lt;/strong&gt; which route they choose to take.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about why this person contacted you. He wasn't asking you to assess his aptitude; he was only asking for your experienced feedback (since you're the developer of your tool).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As it turns out, you can't help with what he's asking, it's simply not part of your tool and it's not your job to teach them other skills. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, &lt;strong&gt;this does not justify calling their lack of these skills into question&lt;/strong&gt;. The polite thing to do is to refer them to someone/some resources &lt;strong&gt;that explains it better than you can&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T10:57:56.727" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T10:57:56.727" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-10T10:46:28.217" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;An alternative point of view.  How much do you really want to be attending this reunion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who was profoundly bullied all the way through school (and I mean &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; the way, from age 5 until I left at 18, with daily physical, verbal and emotional abuse), getting away was by far the best thing for me.  I used to come home at Xmas and go out at New Year and bump into the same people, and although we were old enough for there to be no active bullying, the same undercurrents were still there.  Then my parents left town, and there was no reason to go back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Facebook was around by then, so I still had all these people on FB.  I deliberately hadn't friended (or accepted friends invites from) the worst bullies, but they still showed up in my feed because people on my friends list knew them. As you do, I was FB friends with a lot of people who were only really acquaintances; and most of them had been bullying me at some point over my childhood anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was about 5 years ago (and that makes it 20 years since leaving school!) that I did something about this, which was unfriending them all.  Of course for most people that's no big deal, but for me it was about why I did it.  I finally accepted that it was OK for me to completely cut away this part of my past and everyone associated with it, and I didn't need to still let it bother me.  I now have 4 or 5 people from school on my Facebook who I genuinely want to keep in touch with, and that's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Might they be decent people now?  Might they even want to apologise?  Possibly.  &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I don't care.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;  They are not people to me - no, actually, they're &lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt; than people - and they do not occupy my head any more.  Giving them a chance to show they're decent people now would be for their benefit, not for mine, and it's taken me 20 years to accept that it's OK for me not to give them that space in my head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So would I go to that reunion?  Hell no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T10:46:28.217" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6573" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6550" CreationDate="2017-11-10T11:33:34.747" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: I have no knowledge of Singaporean social customs. If it's different in Singapore, my answer does not apply.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's not necessary to reply.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks&quot; was already a superfluous reply, intended purely for the sake of politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When interacting face to face, it's customary to respond with &quot;you're welcome&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you are replying to his mail for a different reason (e.g. an ongoing discussion), it's similarly customary to respond with &quot;you're welcome&quot; before continuing with the ongoing discussion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;However, if your reply consists of &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; &quot;You're welcome&quot;, then there shouldn't be an expectation for you to reply.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Replying again may mildly annoy the recipient. It's possible he sent the &quot;Thanks&quot; as a way of ending the conversation. I doubt they'll take offense if you reply anyway; but they may get mildly annoyed if you keep doing it repeatedly. Especially if this person receives many emails during his work day, it may be better to not add another email to his inbox.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You're allowed to reply.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there may be ulterior reasons for you to reply &quot;you're welcome&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're building rapport with this person, you could e.g. reply something like &quot;You're welcome. Should you need information in the future, feel free to email me.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the person sent you an elaborate thank you (not just a terse &quot;Thanks&quot;), then he has put in a lot of effort to thank you. The minimal effort of replying &quot;you're welcome&quot; would likely have a positive effect on this person's opinion of you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's up to you.&lt;/strong&gt; There's no expectation of a reply, but it's not inherently wrong to reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T11:33:34.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6574" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6578" CreationDate="2017-11-10T11:48:53.573" Score="3" ViewCount="810" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've got a new friend of mine, call her Sue. Sue got kicked out of university today. We haven't known each other for a long time, but I do feel like helping her. I want to help her prevent/overcome anxiety, possible depression and other stuff, but have no idea how to be at hand. What can I do to help Sue overcome the hardship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background info:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We met each other at a single website and we occasionally go for a walk;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This particular field of education that Sue studied during university is everything to her and she is willing to connect her life with the particular science (at least, she was);&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's not the kind of branch where you can learn things yourself, find work and have all further opportunities. It's kinda like medicine, where your hands are tied without a proper diploma and education;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm working in another industry;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We aren't really close to each other and we do not spend much time together. She's been really busy for about a week and now she mentioned that she is in process of outing;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have no idea if it may be relevant, but somebody will probably ask, so: I &lt;strong&gt;am&lt;/strong&gt; interested in some kind of romantic relationship with her, but for now we are just mates;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't know the exact reason for Sue being kicked out, but she's mentioned troubles with studying, so it may be lack of effort (I really doubt this, but have no counter proof), lack of time or simply efforts in the wrong direction;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T13:36:35.293" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T13:36:35.293" Title="How to help a mate overcome being kicked out of university?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1986" CreationDate="2017-11-10T12:10:22.727" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is your main problem the topic of discussion (politics), or rather than the discussions have a tendency to go beyond casual consversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If you have an issue with the topic of politics,&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then I'm afraid there's not much you can do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In example 2, based on your description, the entire family actively wants to discuss politics. They're allowed to do so, &lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; if all of them wish to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Similarly: If they were all into dancing instead of politics, it'd be okay for you to not dance; but it wouldn't be okay for you to tell them to stop dancing.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In example 1, your relative seems to bring up something &lt;em&gt;about you&lt;/em&gt; (that just happens to contain a political opinion), rather than trying to discuss politics for the sake of discussing politics. The fact that he immediately opens up a conversation in a direct manner, seems to be done with comical intention (comically overplaying the importance of your opinion on drilling).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Similarly: I am someone with an outspoken opinion about disliking Apple and their products. I might open up a conversation with my friend (who bought his first iPhone) by saying something like &quot;So, an iPhone, huh?&quot;. As long as it's clear I'm being comical, and the person actually gets the joke, I'm not being offensive nor am I trying to spark a heated debate.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not like discussing politics. But your interpersonal issue is essentially no different from disliking other topics of conversation. All my friends have recently bought and/or renovated a house. Since then, as the only friend in the circle who still rents a place, I feel fairly disinterested in the almost constant talk about mortgages and renovations. Being in this position, I have three choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid the friends, so that I can avoid the topic of discussion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Forcibly change the topic, or directly ask them to change topics.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accept that they are talking about something that is important to them, even if that means I'll be observing more than participating.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1 is not always viable, and even then it's still a bad solution. 2 is fairly rude; you don't get to decide what others want to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is why I chose option 3. I let them talk about it, and the topic of conversation has died down after a year (since most of them are doing other things now).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Unfortunately for you, politics is a neverending source of discussion. It's likely that the family will always find some political issue to discuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if that it the case, then that also inherently proves that the family &lt;em&gt;wishes&lt;/em&gt; to discuss politics, and you shouldn't be telling people what they are allowed to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you don't get involved with the discussion, politely responding when someone addresses you directly but without trying to further the discussion.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Eventually, someone will recognize that you're not getting involved with the discussion, and will talk to you about something else (at least, that's been my experience in most close-knit social gatherings)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If you have an issue with the intensity of the discussion,&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you have more of a say. Note that you still cannot ask people to not talk about politics. But you can address the &lt;em&gt;nature&lt;/em&gt; of the discussion you're a part of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When first joining in the conversation, remark that you don't have a strong opinion on the topic. This makes it harder for someone to dig into a debate with you about how wrong you are (which is usually how political discussions derail).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only engage in a discussion when you want to. If you don't want to, remain polite but try to avoid furthering the discussion. People who engage in political discussions tend to look for opposing arguments. If you don't oppose their argument, they will generally not lock onto you as a discussion partner. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you don't want to engage in the discussion, consider the option of remaining an observer and not just walking away. It means that you're still participating in a social event, even if you're not adding much to the discussion. Maybe the discussion eventually reaches a more interesting focus for you, at which point you can chime in. Even if it doesn't, listening to others' argument will teach you about the person. You're still getting to know them, even if they don't quite get to know you because you're not an active part of the discussion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When someone tells you their (conflicting) opinion, focus on the positive parts of what they said (it's well-reasoned, you see that there is merit to that line of thinking, he's definitely not alone in thinking this way, ...) &lt;strong&gt;Do not&lt;/strong&gt; point out flaws in their argument, that just puts fuel to the fire.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you feel that the discussion is getting out of hand, you can mention that. Mention that you're out of your comfort zone, or that you're not really able to discuss the nitty gritty details, or that you feel it's not the right time to go over the finer points. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T12:27:42.230" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T12:27:42.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6578" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6574" CreationDate="2017-11-10T12:53:33.430" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're not thinking this through fully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often times, the best a friend can do in times of hardship is to just be there and listen to people grieving. I don't think you should go out of your way to set something up, maybe you two can catch up over a coffee and talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You presumably have other reasons to be around her, so keep doing that, and if she wants to vent or asks for advice, give it freely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going out of your way now might send entirely the wrong kind of message, especially since you two don't have that much contact to begin with, it could be seen as a cheap ploy to try and date her on the back of a personal hardship. You'll want to avoid her feeling like you're just taking the opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in summary, be there for her and listen if required. Other then that, maybe tacitly offer advice or other opportunities if you have any, but don't go overboard with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T12:53:33.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6565" CreationDate="2017-11-10T13:00:17.443" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As some people were born geniuses, some others were born... Unlucky.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once had this conversation with a really old man about &quot;Are we all born the same or not&quot; and I mean here born with the same &lt;em&gt;capacities&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly we had some geniuses during History : Mozart, Tesla, Einstein, Van Gogh... The list would be long.&#xA;So this very same old man told me &quot;If some people were &lt;em&gt;clearly&lt;/em&gt; born with some facilities, why not some others with disadvantages ?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm trying to say here, is I think that you need to understand no matter how hard you try, some people &lt;strong&gt;cannot&lt;/strong&gt;. Cannot learn, cannot understand, cannot remember. And yes, I'm using &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; because I'm referring to the capacities of these persons. It's not they don't want to do this or that ; their brain just won't let them. I &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; it seems like a lack of effort. But it isn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6136" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T13:00:17.443" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-10T13:50:00.713" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not sure why simply saying this is not an option:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't mean to be rude, but as long as my eating habits do not affect the workplace, they are none of your business. Please keep your thoughts to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still keeps making remarks, I would tell him once more and then either talk to a manager about it or, it that doesn't help anything, just ignore his remarks concerning food completely. Some people are just stupidly stubborn and trying to argue with them is pointless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8677" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T13:50:00.713" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6581" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6599" CreationDate="2017-11-10T13:53:38.267" Score="30" ViewCount="4384" Body="&lt;p&gt;My housemate, a good friend, is very wasteful. We knew each other pretty well before moving in together but I didn't realise quite how wasteful he is. It bothers me a lot. I don't know how to either accept it or change his behaviour. Currently, I'm dealing with it by compensating for his wastefulness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's mainly wasteful of four things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Electricity&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He leaves the lights in his room on constantly. They're almost always on when he's home, it doesn't matter where in the house he is. He also often leaves them on when he goes to work. I frequently turn them off when I leave for work or when I get home and realise he's left them on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Twice now he's left the iron on and walked away. The first time it was on for two days. The second time I don't know how long it was on for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, he frequently opens the fridge door and then starts doing something else, like opening a tin of beans or slicing some food. He opens the door, walks away, and doesn't close it again until he grabs something from the fridge. He does the same with the freezer. He'll grab a few ice cubes, prepares some drink / cocktail and only after that's finished he'll close the freezer door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Food&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's pretty bad at making sure food doesn't go bad. He frequently buys or opens a new packet of something while there's already an opened one. He also never really puts anything in a tupperware. We regularly have friends over for barbecues. I enjoy them a lot but the next day we inevitably have a ton of leftover meat. I don't know why but I always end up putting it in tupperware. I don't mind doing it, but if I don't he'll just leave it on a plate on the kitchen counter. Also, because I don't eat meat so can't finish it the following days. My housemate, for some reason, doesn't eat it either. It's perfectly good meat and he'll have eaten before, but he doesn't eat it as leftovers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Water&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the main one. I live in an extremely drought prone area and this year is particularly bad. Summer is about to started and it won't rain much until March. Winters are usually wet but it didn't rain nearly as much as it usually does. There's a real chance we'll run out of water and people are urged to drastically reduce their water consumption, with the government suggesting a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.westerncape.gov.za/news/water-crisis&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;daily limit of 87 litres&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm making a serious effort to stick to that limit and am pretty sure I am succeeding. I've put a large bucket in the shower that collects the water as it's getting warm. We can then use that to flush the toilet, though I stopped flushing when I only pee. I turn the water off when I am soaping. I also only shower three times a week. I make sure I don't waste any water when I do the dishes. I collect all the rain water I can to fill the flush bucket and to water our plants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My housemate, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have changed his behaviour. He showers every day and slides away the bucket that's under the shower because he likes the steam (that was his answer when I asked why he does that, I don't understand what it means). He rarely uses the bucket to flush but when he does it's often when he peed, which isn't necessary. He cleans dishes by keeping the water running, except when it's a lot and then he does put a plug in the drain. But then he replaces all that water when it gets just a little dirty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've talked about the water crisis, between the two of us and with other friends. I asked him to get better at it and he did for two days before backsliding. He knows how dire the situation is and I feel like I've done what I can to make it easy for him to save water.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Internet&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bit of a strange one. We have capped internet and right now only 20GB a month. I keep track of how much I use and can check how much we have left so I know how much he uses, which is about 50% more than I do. Last month we ran out on the 29th because he watched the new episode of the Blue Planet, I think in HD.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My options&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, I'm dealing with his wastefulness by being the opposite. I try to compensate by saving as much water as I can, using as little electricity and internet as possible, and eating leftovers whenever I can. Leftover meat I started giving to homeless people / beggars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, he changes his behaviour. I can't expect that from him though. He's an adult, he should make his own decisions. I talked to him about ways to save water; I introduced the flush bucket, told him it's not necessary to flush when peeing, etc. He seems to have just ignored my suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point I'm not sure what to do. It bothers me a lot and it's affecting our friendship, though I think he's unaware of it. I don't want to be the asshole who continuously tells him not to be so wasteful but it's becoming increasingly difficult to bite my tongue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to convince him to be less wasteful without being a jerk about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We currently split the bills 50-50.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My housemate has, for the most part, not expressed interest in getting better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We live in Cape Town, South Africa.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8675" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-01-06T05:16:48.513" Title="How can I convince my housemate to be less wasteful?" Tags="&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6581" CreationDate="2017-11-10T14:03:11.373" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What&amp;nbsp;can I do to convince him to be less wasteful without being a jerk about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best thing you can do here is to be &lt;strong&gt;open and honest&lt;/strong&gt;, and start a dialog.  Tactfully explain to your room mate &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; you feel the way you do, and the benefits of your conservation efforts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; is an important tool in changing peoples behavior. If you just list out all the ways he is wasteful, versus how you are conservative and &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; you are passionate about it, there is a chance his perception and behavior will change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a prepared with a &lt;em&gt;list of benefits to your position&lt;/em&gt;, such as saving money and being a good Samaritan.  (your efforts to provide left over food to those in need for example)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful if you approach shared expenses when discussing this issue, as you will have &lt;em&gt;a hard time defining how much actual money he is wasting&lt;/em&gt;.  You &lt;strong&gt;could&lt;/strong&gt; say your are wasting X amount a dollars a month, but you won't be able to measure that accurately, and arguing this could weaken your position.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're not sharing expenses&lt;/strong&gt; and you bring this up, you could put your room mate on the defensive and they might shut down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some people who don't care or see the need to be consciously conservative with resources.  Your room mate &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be one of those people, and if he is you may want to start thinking about a long term plan to cope with the behavior or consider a new room mate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorUserId="8073" LastEditDate="2017-11-11T08:35:45.567" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T08:35:45.567" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-10T14:20:18.170" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer the part of your question in bold; if he approaches you in a cheerful manner I think you should call him out on &lt;strong&gt;his past behavior&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh hey Brian. God, what a dick you were in high school. I'm sure you grew out of it, but damn man, (had to get that off my chest for a minute). How have you been?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here you acknowledge his past behavior to you, taking away the awkwardness you might feel and giving him an easy chance to a quick apology so you both can exchange some smalltalk and move on quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he does end up being a bit of a dick still, you can say he hasn't changed much after all and just turn away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3388" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T14:20:18.170" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6584" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6456" CreationDate="2017-11-10T14:22:43.427" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This behaviour often happens when a player is way more acquainted with video games than table games. You see, in video games, everything you can do is a fair game. If you can, say, lock an enemy in perpetual &quot;skip your turn&quot;, it is a mistake of game developers, not your misbehaviour ( despite said developers blaming it on you). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With board games, you can physically do a lot of things, while rules descibe what you can, (and some of those are rather vague). Anyway, that player just thinks that cheating is a part of the game. He thinks everyone can do it, it is part of the fun, and if he is not caught in act, it is a fair win. That player thinks everyone cheats that way, or at least can cheat, and it is not not his problem if others don't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So start with stating clearly and plainly that snatching extra card is just not cool in your group. Because in some, it is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8681" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T14:22:43.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6585" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6565" CreationDate="2017-11-10T14:26:03.740" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;In addition&lt;/em&gt; to the other great answers&lt;/strong&gt;, I'd like to repeat my suggestion from comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Encourage to write a (good) question on Stackoverflow.com&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may need to answer a support question only once and you can always reference it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Other users may have answers, and thus shifting support effort away from you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It will make your lib known (and understood) better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is great community which most probably will have some knowledge about &quot;Y&quot;. (Thinking is: You won't be the only one telling them &quot;this is about Y, not X&quot; )&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;^^ Just to name a few.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See also : &lt;a href=&quot;https://stackoverflow.com/help/product-support&quot;&gt;https://stackoverflow.com/help/product-support&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;P.S.: I am &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; affiliated to the site apart from being an enthusiastic user.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5980" LastEditorUserId="5980" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T15:09:11.947" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T15:09:11.947" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6586" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6565" CreationDate="2017-11-10T14:55:58.663" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it is important to remember that everyone learns differently, and that what they are doing, is learning the hard way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should not discourage them from doing this because learning this way it one of the ways that people actually get to see why something is true, or how something works, rather than just accepting what someone else told you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you should also be mindful that they are not wasting too much of your time by relying on you to keep pointing them in the right direction, or just by generally taking too much of your time while they keep running into dead ends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think your approach is overly rude, but it leaves for the possibility that they might perceive that since you cant teach them about how Y works, that you just don't personally know, leaving them to believe that the only way forward is for them to figure out how it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best approach is to calmly and politely steer them in the right direction and to help them see why your approach is the right way to do things, rather than expecting them to just trust your judgement.. which ideally they would just trust your judgement. But you unfortunately can't expect that from them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8685" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T14:55:58.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-10T14:56:01.033" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have already tried the direct approach, so another possible tack to take is to give a more simple reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for your concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use the same response, in the same semi-monotone voice, to any reference he makes to your food choices.  If others are as annoyed with him as you, then they may also start responding in the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2464" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T14:56:01.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6588" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6604" CreationDate="2017-11-10T15:08:43.850" Score="280" ViewCount="37148" Body="&lt;p&gt;Imagine this: you're a male in their late twenties. It is dark and you're taking the shortest route to your home/car/llama. After sometime you realize that you have been following someone. To make it worse, the someone is a young woman walking alone. And she looks nervous because you have been following her. &#xA;Usually I take the easy option and just change sides but it's not always an option with narrow roads or if you are going somewhere where you can only get by going on the same road. And sometimes they end up on the same side of the road anyway.&#xA;I have also tried just walking faster so I could pass them but I quickly learned that that was terrible choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get where I am going without scaring people in front of me who might think that I'm following them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8684" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditorDisplayName="user2322" LastEditDate="2018-11-21T17:42:52.847" LastActivityDate="2020-08-30T22:30:43.257" Title="What to do if you are accidentally following someone?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="40" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6487" CreationDate="2017-11-10T15:13:52.720" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know your issue, I have pretty much the exact same issue; I am from The Netherlands as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advise:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to search places of your interest (In my case (As a gamer and developer) I like LAN Parties and IT studies).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The people are just.. people. They won’t bite necassarily but be careful too.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just have some fun, maybe people join you!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Goodluck with your issue and have fun! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2599" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T15:13:52.720" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-10T15:22:20.927" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what you have to consider here is that there is no catch all answer. There are a list of answers here that range from embracing him and forgiving him to blowing him off to not going to the reunion at all, and they are all valid options. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line is, you were the victim of &lt;em&gt;Brian’s&lt;/em&gt; bullying you. That means you have the right to proceed with this reunion in the way you see most fit. You have to determine what you want and that is going to be based upon your own character. As others have pointed out, maybe he will be apologetic, maybe he will be the same jerk from your youth. In either circumstance you need to be prepared to handle it the way that will give you the most satisfaction and closure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you decide to be gracious and decide to forgive him, even if he doesn’t ask for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you feel the need to let him know he was a jerk and that his antics left an impact on your youth, even if he seems like a better, changed man. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you both act like nothing ever happened and become best friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you act like you don’t even remember his name and act totally uninterested in interacting with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any option is valid (well, short of getting violent) and you just need to determine what will give you the right type of closure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8686" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T15:22:20.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6588" CreationDate="2017-11-10T15:34:15.503" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest not only slowing down your pace a bit, but I would do something to let it be seen that you are uninterested and that you are doing your own thing. Something like pulling your phone out and calling someone just so the other person can hear you making casual conversation. Maybe even fake a conversation over the phone if need be. This may seem silly but if said woman is within earshot, your conversation can help ground the reality that you are just a normal person who just happens to be walking the same direction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8686" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T15:34:15.503" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6588" CreationDate="2017-11-10T15:36:29.377" Score="73" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see how this situation might seem strange to the person walking before you. But in the end, the streets are here for all of us, and there should be no reason for you to change your path or walking speed.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I totally agree with AndreiROMs comment: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't overthink this. Sometimes people simply walk in the same&#xA;  direction. It happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel uncomfortable walking behind someone, then there are several actions you could take:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wait 30-60 seconds and let her walk out of sight. Meanwhile you can check your phone or tie your shoelaces. Don't look at her while waiting, this could come across the wrong way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Slow down a bit for a while and let the distance between you and her&#xA;grow and/or let her walk out of sight.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take a different path to your llama.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would just keep walking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T07:14:19.330" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T07:14:19.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-10T15:43:14.840" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;About 25 years ago, there was a guy in school who used to bully me from time to time – at other times however, we were something like good friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2 years ago, I met him again and we chatted a bit together. Later in the conversation (he always was a big TV fan) he mentioned the TV series &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Name_Is_Earl&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;My Name Is Earl&quot;&lt;/a&gt; where the main character had a list of persons whom he was about to apologize. He told me that if he had such a list, I'd be on it as well. It was not a big deal, but meant a lot to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1654" LastEditorUserId="1654" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T12:46:30.643" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T12:46:30.643" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6581" CreationDate="2017-11-10T15:45:19.717" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;On things that you share costs like water and electricity, politely ask him to stop being so wasteful and try to cut costs on his own way. He does not need to do exactly as you do. You guys could also try setting a cap for how much can you guys expend on services, and if he exceeds in one service cap maybe go for a 20%/80% share on the excess. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, try to learn that others actions repercussions are theirs to bear and not yours. You can't force people to share your ideals, no matter how important or righteous do you think they are. &lt;strong&gt;Tell him once&lt;/strong&gt;, and that is all. If he gets it, perfect. If not, move along and &lt;strong&gt;let go&lt;/strong&gt;. How would you feel if he started judging your style of life? You might say, &quot;I'm the one who is right&quot;, but, this is not a matter of being right or wrong. It is a matter of respecting each other ways. You are trying to conquer his personality, that is what is bothering you. Try to better yourself, not others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T15:45:19.717" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4087" CreationDate="2017-11-10T15:50:02.877" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;My current girlfriend and I started off long distance (Antwerp to Auckland, which is about as far as a long distance relationship can get). We spent about 9 months with feelings for each other while still limited to Skype.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of my answer is based on issues we encountered, or things we should've approached differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should we have a schedule where we phone every evening on specified days, or should we aim to communicate more spontaneously?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I’m concerned that if we have a schedule it will become a chore, but if we don’t have one we will slowly stop bothering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advocate a bit of both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Definitely&lt;/strong&gt; have at least one scheduled day a week. Find a time that works for both of you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Having the fixed schedule means that you can &lt;em&gt;reliably&lt;/em&gt; make other plans. If you never know when you'll talk next, you'll be a lot more hesitant about committing to an activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in a distant relationship, you don't know her schedule to a tee, and she doesn't know yours. It's nigh impossible to keep each other perfectly updated. The fixed day is something that you are both aware of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is a drawback to the scheduled time. If you stick to the scheduled slot and are expected to never deviate from it, it will start weighing on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, I would say that the best approach is a &lt;strong&gt;hybrid&lt;/strong&gt; approach. By default, you can expect to talk to each other on the scheduled time. But if one of you can't make the scheduled time for some reason, then you can agree to talk at another point in time during the week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this combines the best of both worlds:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even with your separate lives and schedules, you get the secure feeling of talking to each other at an agreed time where you will generally ensure to make time for each other.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If life intervenes and one of you can't make it for the scheduled time, the onus is on them to suggest an different time to talk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it turns out that the scheduled time keeps getting rescheduled more often than not (even if it's coming from both sides equally, without any negligent behavior), you need to change the scheduled time. Try finding a timeslot where both of you are sure to be free (ideally &gt;90%). The intention is that you're &lt;strong&gt;sure&lt;/strong&gt; to talk to each other then (with the exception of unforeseeable circumstances). Being sure about talking to each other gives you a feeling of &lt;strong&gt;security&lt;/strong&gt;, which is something that long distance relationships often lack after a while.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If either of you wants to talk more, you can talk during the week in a more casual setting (e.g. an IM chat). The benefit of this is that it's &lt;strong&gt;without pressure&lt;/strong&gt;. If you send her a message and she doesn't respond, she's busy and that's okay (since it's not the scheduled time). You're only allowed to expect an immediate response during the scheduled time, yo ucan't expect her to be free to talk whenever you send her a message (and vice versa of course) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;However, if there is no scheduled meeting planned, you are relying purely on spontaneous conversation. If this is the case, and she then doesn't respond to your IM, you may subconsciously grow resentful that she never has time to speak when &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; want to speak (forgetting that her schedule may be different from yours), plus you may worry about whether you're disturbing her or not. You might also feel imposed on when she texts you out of the blue, seemingly expecting you to immediately respond because you're relying on spontaneous conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I may have focused on different schedules more than you'll realistically encounter problems with. Me and my girlfriend had to deal with a 12 hour timezone difference, hence why I insist on working around each other's schedules and understanding that you guys might not always be available to talk at the same time.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long distance relationships often entail some problems. They are not big problems, but because you're less connected than if you shared a residence, you start relying on inferences, which can have a snowballing effect.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g. Your girlfriend may be rescheduling for a valid reason, but if she's a bit short when explaining it to you for an unrelated reason (feeling sick, rough day, ...) you may infer that she's being evasive. Being a good boyfriend, you won't immediately bring that up, but it lingers in the back of your mind nonetheless. If she then responds slowly a couple of times in the near future, that keeps reinforcing that lingering idea, until it fester and eventually blows up in your faces. A simple misunderstanding, given time to fester and not be refuted by the other person (who is unaware of the misunderstanding) can have &lt;strong&gt;devastating&lt;/strong&gt; impacts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My approach is to suppress these misguided emotions before they have a chance to linger and fester in your mind. You need to hold yourselves to a higher standard than you would for a normal relationship, because even a small misunderstanding can grow to be a big problem in a week's time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Text chat&lt;/strong&gt; does not carry tone of voice. Pretty much anything you say, especially with a light-hearted intention, can be interpreted as sarcastic by the other person. I've been on both sides of these misunderstandings, and they are very hard to address once they take hold of you (and one of you is convinced that the other was being sarcastic or dismissive). If you reach a point where one of you &lt;em&gt;seemingly&lt;/em&gt; escalated an otherwise innocent conversation, &lt;strong&gt;try using voice chat&lt;/strong&gt;. Even sending a short voice clip can immediately defuse a situation (by conveying your tone of voice) that would otherwise escalate over time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Remember that you have different schedules.&lt;/strong&gt; Just because you're bored one night and want to talk to her, doesn't mean that she's equally bored. Even if you know she's home, that doesn't mean that she's up for a big conversation (e.g. she may be exhausted after a long day)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's okay to be quiet from time to time&lt;/strong&gt;. It's very hard to keep a conversation going for multiple hours, every single week. Just like every couple, you'll encounter times where you're happy to be together, but have no conversational material. Our solution was to &lt;strong&gt;keep the chat open&lt;/strong&gt; but doing something else (watch a show, read some news). You can still have emergent conversations, just like how a married couple can sit in the same room, doing different things and occasionally talking about something. This is healthy behavior. Don't try to force a conversation, or get upset that the other is being less talkative than usual.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you've run out of conversational material, watch a movie together. Get the same movie, start it at the same time (and make sure to always keep the movie in sync). It's a great way to spend time without talking, and the movie may prompt some talking points as well. Me and my girlfriend bonded over Game of Thrones this way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not lie to each other&lt;/strong&gt;. Avoid white lies as well. Even if you both accept the fact that you tell white lies to each other, there will likely come a time where one of might think that you're being lied to. This is a breeding ground for mistrust. When you feel unhappy, &lt;strong&gt;talk about it&lt;/strong&gt;. You need to clear the air as fast as possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Conversely, if she is being very direct about disliking something you said or did, &lt;strong&gt;understand&lt;/strong&gt; that she's simply clearing the air to prevent growing resentful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some days, one of you will be less happy or talkative. That's normal human behavior. &lt;strong&gt;Never resort to blaming each other&lt;/strong&gt; for not upholding your expected standard of conversation. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not hide your lives.&lt;/strong&gt; Being in a long distance relationship makes it very easy to hide your activities. Don't fall into that trap. Don't lie or omit something simply because you don't want to talk about it. Be open and honest about your activities and your opinions. This is good relationship advice for any relationship, but &lt;strong&gt;doubly so&lt;/strong&gt; for a long distance relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Never use the silent treatment&lt;/strong&gt;. Eventually, you'll have a fight. It's normal. Everyone does. You can't avoid it. However, what you should avoid, is &lt;em&gt;abusing&lt;/em&gt; the long distance in order to easily ignore each other. Me and my girlfriend are both hotheads from time to time, and we've been in some Skype arguments. However, we quickly identified that exiting the video chat without saying anything does more damage than the fight itself. &lt;strong&gt;Don't jump offline because you're upset. Don't block eachother or set yourself to offline.&lt;/strong&gt; It's the equivalent of storming out of the &lt;em&gt;house&lt;/em&gt; (not just the room). If you're too upset to talk, keep the chat open anyway. Even if you're doing different things. If you need a moment to emotionally process something, &lt;strong&gt;tell her&lt;/strong&gt;. Tell her you need a moment and will be back in a couple of minutes, rather than going offline without saying anything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T15:50:02.877" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6423" CreationDate="2017-11-10T15:53:52.117" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the problem is arising after your mother gives ambiguous commands, it may help to articulate more clearly what you are confused about. &quot;What the hell do you want me to do?&quot; is not an informative response (and it is argumentative besides), especially if your mother doesn't realize that she is being unclear.  Instead specifically state what additional information you need. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You asked for the basil but pointed at the curcuma. Would you like me to get you both? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T15:53:52.117" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6581" CreationDate="2017-11-10T15:59:18.633" Score="22" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know how to either accept it or change his behaviour. Currently, I'm dealing with it by compensating for his wastefulness... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I commend you on your conservation efforts. For most of my life, I've been a conservationist as well. I don't have a very good handle on why some people aren't, but clearly other things are taking precedence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By trying to compensate for his behavior, though, you may be making your own life more stressful. You're basically making his problem your responsibility, and that rarely goes well when the other person doesn't care. (If he lived elsewhere and still continued his wasteful habits, would you still continue trying to make up for them?) Be conscientious because it's the right thing to do, not because your house mate is wasteful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you said, he's an adult and makes his own choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It bothers me a lot and it's affecting our friendship, though I think he's unaware of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't going to end well if you want him to change. You have strongly held values which he neither shares nor respects when you explain to him how important they are to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you have several options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Let go of your responsibility to make up for his wastefulness.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Difficult, but doable. You can't control his actions; you're not responsible for them. You're crossing a boundary when you take personal responsibility for the actions of others. Accept that and you might find a measure of peace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know why but I always end up putting it in tupperware. I don't mind doing it, but if I don't he'll just leave it on a plate on the kitchen counter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should know why. Put away your half, and let him waste his.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Focus on the values you share.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What made you good friends to begin with? Think about your &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-your-core-values-in-relationships-no-theyre-not-your-common-interests/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;core values&lt;/a&gt;, and the values that you share with your friend (if you do.) Make a list to jog your memory. Be honest. If you're good friends because of his sense of humor or a shared passion, give those credit. If you're good friends because of convenience or proximity, know that there are better reasons to consider when picking a flat mate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make sure you don't expect him to be a mind-reader.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Non-confrontational people often don't directly discuss what's bothering them. No one is a mind-reader.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If it really is affecting your friendship, he deserves to know.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an honest and non-judgemental way, you should talk about this. Tell him how you feel, not what he's &lt;em&gt;making you feel&lt;/em&gt;. The former is taking responsibility for your own feelings; the latter is blaming him for your feelings. Examples of non-blaming ways to express your feelings:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I've explained how important something is to me, like not wasting electricity, and you don't share that value at all, I feel isolated and unimportant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He can't argue with your feelings; if he says, &quot;That's silly,&quot; not only is it defensive, it's wrong. Feelings you have are real. If you feel isolated, he can't tell you that you don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A blaming statement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel anxious and annoyed when you leave your lights on all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kids answer this kind of statement with, &quot;Too bad,&quot; because it is both an accusation and giving them the responsibility for your &lt;em&gt;feelings&lt;/em&gt;. Better to just own them. It's a fine line, but it's walkable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Discuss compromises.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Half-way measures are better than none. If he can't do &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; to conserve energy/water/your good will, that says something. Half-way measures are better than none.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all these things fail, start thinking about getting a new roommate. If you don't want to be a nag (which doesn't usually work anyway), look for someone who shares your values or go it alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All easier said than done. Good luck, and please update when you've found a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T17:28:47.550" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T17:28:47.550" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-10T16:01:43.777" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In some occasions, you got to fight fire with fire.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;he is the kind of person that doesn't like being told anything&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, but guess what ? He should not be telling anything to anyone then. This is rude, inappropriate and most of all, arrogant. He is basically implying &quot;&lt;em&gt;I don't like being told anything but I can tell you whatever I want because I don't care about what you think or feel&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. &quot;Uh ? So why would he do something he does not like to endure ?&quot; &lt;strong&gt;Exactly&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess we can all agree that anything said repeatedly is annoying. If I were you, I would do the same thing, but always with a smile. Always make it looks like you are joking, and it doesn't affect you this much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do this when I get to a new job : people try to mess with me because I'm slightly different. I just answer them things much &lt;em&gt;worse&lt;/em&gt; that what they said, but I always make it looks like a joke. It shows you have repartee and make it looks like you are confident, and leads them to stop, or at least &lt;strong&gt;consider&lt;/strong&gt; you. Quick comebacks lead to respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't get me wrong : I'm not asking you to be cocky. It's just the way it is, some people do not understand what they do to people unless they are being done the exact same thing. Then, they &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; realise they are being total jerks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6136" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T16:01:43.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6601" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6776" CreationDate="2017-11-10T16:04:10.817" Score="15" ViewCount="3784" Body="&lt;p&gt;It occurs once per two days, on average. She gets mad about something really stupid and not worth arguing about, yells, gets really upset, stops talking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, we go somewhere, she's not sure if the way we choose is right, then she says 'That way', then she's not sure again but keeps going, then she hesitates again. So I ask the first person we encounter what's the way and she gets mad, because &lt;em&gt;she does know the way&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With me, she realizes that I'm not the reason for her anger, most of the time. But then she explodes anyway, to the point at which she told me, crying, that she sometimes wonder why so many bad emotions accumulate inside her and stay there for so long when mainly it's not worth even caring for. Then I told her, that if she sees that as a problem, maybe she should talk to &quot;specialist&quot;. All she said was &lt;strong&gt;NO WAY&lt;/strong&gt;. I took advantage of our previous conversation, where we talked about parents with disabled children not aware of kids condition, shutting down when somebody tells them about it. We both agreed, talking about that, that it's no reason to be ashamed but something to act on, and I reminded her about the conversation. She said not to push it, I said - OK, just tell me why, but she did not answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing is, she has &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hashimotos-disease/symptoms-causes/syc-20351855&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Hashimoto's disease&lt;/a&gt;, which comes with bipolar disorder - her mood falls from &lt;em&gt;dark&lt;/em&gt; into &lt;em&gt;light&lt;/em&gt; and back to &lt;em&gt;dark&lt;/em&gt; pretty quickly. For me, it's just another reason to visit the specialist, but she's delicate about it and I guess touching the subject would only hurt her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can see, that she's worried that I'm going to leave her because of it - I myself am the child of divorced parents blaming myself for it for the most of my life, so anytime she's mad at me I feel guilty when I'm not. I &lt;strong&gt;do not&lt;/strong&gt; want to give her ultimatum of any kind, wouldn't be true anyway as I'm not leaving her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Q:&lt;/strong&gt; How can I smoothly get back to the subject of getting help with her anger, and encourage her that there's no shame in it and I don't think of her as of some psycho?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8692" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T03:46:33.453" Title="How to ask my girlfriend to take anger management classes?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5143" CreationDate="2017-11-10T16:12:31.210" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First question. Do tell him, even if you are not going to pursuit a romantic relationship. It looks like not telling him is putting some pressure on you and your relationship with him. He is a close friend to you and talking about those kind of issues helps the other part to properly understand you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2nd question. Don't go into a love relationship while hiding secrets. A relationship is about trust, that is the best foundation for one. Overtime you two will fight over different points of views but those wounds can and will heal overtime. Lies and secrets on the other hand are hard to heal. Be as open as you can be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3rd question. Every type of relationship, family, love, friends, every type out there, has this type of risk. You cant predict the future, you guys might even break up over some nonsense like leaving the milk outside the fridge. You already jumped that bridge when it came to start a friend relationship with him. Now, all you need to decide if furthering this relationship with him would have the potential to make you happy. That is all that you need to find out to make a decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you put too much weight on labels. Being in love is not about a woman being in love with a man, or a woman with a woman, or having sex with with the other of the same or different gender. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A love relationship is between two different people that open themselves to the other to be allowed to love and be loved. The other part will also make a decision about if furthering a relationship with you will make him/her happy. The decision is all about what the other defines as happiness, if your persona, by any means, falls into that, then we have a match. Don't feel bad or afraid about rejection, it is not about your persona, since we each have responsibility and control only about our own feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T16:12:31.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6604" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6588" CreationDate="2017-11-10T17:15:26.373" Score="213" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sorry if this comes across as barking out orders; it's not. You have every right to walk the way you want around me. But you asked. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a woman who has often walked alone late at night in less than savory locations (e.g. from an inner-city ER to my car in a distant-ish parking lot, or - worse - in the parking garage down the block), I think just slowing down and allowing distance between you is considerate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't slow down for some reason, pretend to talk on your cell phone, and talk/laugh loudly. Calling attention to yourself isn't something a predator would normally want to do. Or whistle a classy tune.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cross the street no matter how narrow it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stand up straight. I know that sounds like something your mother would tell you, but slouching might look like you're trying to disappear into the night for a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't help being close (if you have to pass her), Just announce yourself. In the US, someone could just say, &quot;Hey,&quot; or &quot;Hey, behind you.&quot; You don't have to start a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're coming from up front, don't make more than glancing eye contact and a slight nod.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally (as a woman) I would &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; feel safe if someone tried to engage me in conversation. There is a safe time and place for such niceties; on a dark street alone with a woman isn't one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I heard an interview in which a well known African-American man said he puts white people at ease by whistling Mozart. It makes them feel safer.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T17:26:58.067" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T17:26:58.067" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6605" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6606" CreationDate="2017-11-10T17:17:30.060" Score="-2" ViewCount="710" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a pretty close family on both sides (mother's and father's), but there are 4 family members (who are living together (aunt, uncle and 2 cousins (girl and boy)) who are never going to anyone's birthday, usually they just go to a theme park or go on a vacation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should I go to their birthday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7064" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T18:45:37.710" Title="Do I need to go to a family member's birthday, when they never come to my birthday" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-11-10T19:41:20.260" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6605" CreationDate="2017-11-10T17:38:53.753" Score="7" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Social tip: You never &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to do anything&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is quite common that people see invitations as demands rather than just...inviting them. Its also pretty common for them to be seen as a quid pro quo &amp;quot;You come to mine, I come to yours&amp;quot; sort of deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your aunt and uncle don't see things that way (else they would be coming to your parties) and, as such, you needn't feel obliged to go to theirs. Their invitation is just that, an invitation, not a demand or obligation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, do you &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to go?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T17:38:53.753" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6601" CreationDate="2017-11-10T17:59:21.317" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key might lay in destigmatizing mental health assistance.&#xA;A common thought is that psychological help is needed &quot;by crazies&quot; only. But that's just not true. &#xA;Luckily, more and more people are opening up about times in their life where they sought the assistance of a professional regarding some aspect of their life that they want to improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kudos to you for being reassuring and saying that you won't leave her. Make her feel safe in that regard. And ask her if she is OK with having those periodic meltdowns. If she isn't, tell her that there is no shame with seeking help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: this approach should change if she ever becomes violent to you. An ultimatum for her to seek help would be most recommended in that case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7848" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T17:59:21.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6601" CreationDate="2017-11-10T18:02:47.793" Score="16" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Choose the right time: Don't talk when she is angry&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its hard, in the good times you want to keep things calm but if you wait until her negative emotions are taking over again to talk about it then she won't be respond positively to any suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk about it away from other stresses and other people&lt;/strong&gt;, a walk in the country could be good but that depends completely on you two. Don't sit in front of the TV or any other sort of distraction and, with something so socially sensitive, don't add the extra concern of people overhearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Don't make it about you&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're concerned about her, feel it is making her life difficult. Sure it effects you too but don't add guilt to her emotions, that won't help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Talk about examples&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she is feeling calm she probably tries to forget about how she acted, its hard to carry on as normal if you're berating yourself. Considering these in a calmer state of mind might be just what she needs though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you don't become cold in this, yes she needs the facts and you can't sugar coat them. Perhaps she blew off about something trivial every day last week...but you're worried she isn't able to relax properly and it takes its toll on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Separate her from the anger&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is more a matter of &amp;quot;these outbursts&amp;quot; rather than &amp;quot;your outbursts&amp;quot;, that way any effort to solve them is aimed at the disembodied anger. You know that isn't how she wants to act, this is an attempt to free her from something controlling her rather than to change how she feels about things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Have the information all to hand&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look up classes close to you, find out costs and travel. If she agrees to it you want it as easy as possible to follow through with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Don't push it!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe, after all this, she says no. She has a choice in this too, accept her right to exercise it. She has to want to make the change, not be guilt tripped, manipulated or forced into it. In time she might come around to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T18:02:47.793" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6605" CreationDate="2017-11-10T18:27:46.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to writing the excellent earlier answer, @&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/8698/lio-elbammalf&quot;&gt;Lio Elbammalf&lt;/a&gt; made this very pertinent comment to OP:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Try not to consider the two as linked, there are all sorts of reasons they might not come to yours that could have nothing to do with the fact it is your party. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is exactly correct. I am not very sociable myself and in my hometown in India our family is &lt;em&gt;usually&lt;/em&gt; invited not for routine birthday parties but only to relatively formal events like weddings; moving into a new house; 1st birthday of a relative's child; or ritual 'celebration' of an old person's life either at their 60th, 70th or 80th birthday or a specified number of days after their death. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I may or may not attend and usually keep away because I am very introverted and get quickly exhausted by social interactions -- but what is &lt;strong&gt;never a reason&lt;/strong&gt; for going or not going is the consideration whether &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; accepted &lt;em&gt;our&lt;/em&gt; previous invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feel under no personal or social obligation either to attend the party or to keep away. &lt;strong&gt;Go if you want to and you think you will enjoy the event.&lt;/strong&gt; you need not go if you don't want to!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you are invited you can legitimately attend any function even if they didn't attend yours. Equally you must be relaxed and not care if somebody misunderstands your not going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can learn not to feel social guilt for failing to attend someone's party, nor take social revenge by deliberately keeping away in such situations. It is also easy to follow typical etiquette for not attending such an event. In our region it is customary to contact the person over the phone beforehand, explain why we won't be coming (even if it's clearly a made-up reason), and wish them well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;However, your attending their birthday party may help strengthen family bonds with those relatives and remind them how they have neglected your parties, and hopefully they will attend next time!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-10T18:45:37.710" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T18:45:37.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-10T19:15:59.477" Score="20" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Fries every day? Seriously, are you trying to kill yourself?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes.  I am attempting to commit suicide one fry at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Totally deadpan but perhaps followed with a smile.  You can even get more absurd and claim that you believe that fries are only bad for you if you stop eating them &lt;em&gt;every&lt;/em&gt; day because your body lets it guard down etc.  They key is to take control of the conversation and yammer on and on with creative bullshit.  Use every &lt;a href=&quot;https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/poster&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;logical fallacy&lt;/a&gt; you can manage.  Be completely unreasonable in your assertions of complete nonsense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found this is an effective technique to keep pests away.  It's so obnoxious that this person will think twice about opening the door again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1982" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T19:15:59.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6615" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-10T19:17:10.457" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;All through my school years, I was picked on, but not for the reasons you might think. I was a devout Christian and the Holy Trinity was as real to me as anything you can see, hear or touch. I was commanded to turn the other cheek and I did. The mindless unwashed ones saw this and took full advantage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One small fellow in particular got in the habit of abusing me all the way through high school. He would approach me with a kind of anger that would well up inside him and erupt out from him like hot lava. He acted as though he were the deliverer of holy vengeance and that I was the trashpile deserving only of his hatred, anger and abuse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went to college and lost my faith, in exactly the way most young people do. Not in that angry &quot;questioning god&quot; way. Just the realization that God wasn't an old bearded white man flinging lighting bolts at the evildoers. The logic that the bullies had gotten away with it, without being destroyed by God, was a crucial reality I had to accept. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this happened (very quickly after I arrived), I began to have dream alternate versions of confrontation with the little fellow. Most dreams had me pinching his head off like a live shrimp. Other dreams had me choking the breath out of his body or smashing his head on the floor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had these dreams 2-3 nights a week for two years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then one day, I began to realize that as I progressed at college toward my engineering degree, that with each win, the recurrence of the dreams lessened. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I began to win in life, and the dreams lessened yet more. A new, exciting job with great work and pay, a little less. An intelligent, committed and beautiful wife, a little less. Healthy, strong, intelligent sons, a little less. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm definitely not rich. By some standards, I'm barely middle class. But whatever space I'm in, I own it. Whatever I do, I do my best and enjoy the fruits of my work. I have a great career and home life that's peaceful, fun, healthy and secure. I have plenty of days without fear and although the dream is still clear in my memory, (as far as I know) it has left my sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went to that reunion, and he was there, and held out his hand as-if to try to erase the past, make something different that has never existed. I looked at his hand, saying nothing. I was nauseated by the mere thought of touching his flesh. His wife watched, a look of confusion on his face. I knew she couldn't know any of it - how else could she have married him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reunions, apologies, prattling small talk. None of this is compensation, reward, new beginning. None of it erases what was and gives you back what you lost. If there is an answer, it's so stupid that it defies understanding by you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Survive and thrive by being a better you. Go further and farther than they can ever imagine. Be someone they never knew and can never know. Be someone they would want to apologize to, would like to &quot;have a beer with&quot;, but can't because you are gone from the world of fools and idiots. Evict them from your planet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And remember, never, ever to visit on another human being the hell you survived. You have an obligation to help others, because you know. You have precious, painful knowledge and you've got to help others like you, especially when you see it happening. No, they won't understand your help. But if you can plant a seed, then you might be responsible for their escape the same way you are responsible for your own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8709" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T19:17:10.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-10T19:22:40.997" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Presumably you're a curious person, or you wouldn't be here asking this question, right? Aren't you curious about what makes this guy tick? Why the heck is he asking those questions in a seemingly provoking manner? Wouldn't it be fun to find out? Next time he says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You should not be eating grapefruit, it's bad for you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey [random name], you're eating too much mayonnaise, your heart will&#xA;  fail&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Fries every day? Seriously, are you trying to kill yourself?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Meat again? Oh boy, do you know that it is a bad habit&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try replying with: &quot;Oh? What makes you say that?&quot; in a disarming manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either you've called his bluff, or you might learn something new about this person. Maybe you'll even find common ground and make a friend. Wouldn't it be better to have a friend, than deal with an annoyance?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're at a lunch table with a bunch of people, you're already socializing, why not learn more about them? What have you got to lose?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3591" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T19:22:40.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6588" CreationDate="2017-11-10T20:35:16.210" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, I'm a male in my late teens. I'm tall but pretty skinny, not someone who looks threatening (so I'm told). But in the dark, when people can't see well (especially if I'm behind someone), my height does not help me, and I can seem imposing. I've been aware of this for a while, and I always take steps to mitigate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to make sure that they can see me. Someone who's trying to assault another person &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; won't want to make themselves very visible. Given that it's dark out, there are probably some sources of light not far off:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Streetlamps or other lights. This may requiring waiting for a bit, unless the lights are close together along a pedestrian route. That said, in the cases where I've had to take action, I'll almost always stop and wait by a lamppost. I'd rather be 30 seconds late to wherever I'm going than scare someone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The area outside a store or other public building. On back streets, there might not be building lights.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Near an intersection (preferably busy), though you may not have this option.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a light source, like a phone, you can use your phone to light up your face a bit if you use it.&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; The point is, make yourself visible to the other person - visible and non-threatening. You're not trying to hide; do what you can to communicate this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this relies on the premise that they'll see you. If they're looking over their shoulder a lot, then you're okay. That said, I do have female friends who say they simply keep their heads down and walk faster, in which case they won't see you. At this point, I would say do what other answers suggest, and make some non-threatening noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But above all, make yourself visible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; You could also use a flashlight to light up your path - not an unreasonable thing to do at night - but be careful to not point it directly at the person. That could make it seem like you're trying to see &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, or even blind them with the light. And that could be a sign of an attacker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Addendum&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Manuel said &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6588/what-to-do-if-you-are-accidentally-following-someone/6617#comment25494_6588&quot;&gt;something in a comment&lt;/a&gt; that made me think a bit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to add, I'm also a young male, and I do feel nervous whenever I encounter someone in the dark, and even more nervous when it's another male. Nervous as in someone is following me, not nervous for someone feeling as if I was following them, that's just awkwardness for me. So these answers while focused on women, will definitely help almost everyone. In this kind of question I always see men answering that give me the feeling as if they never feel nervous in these situations, and can't believe it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's got a point. Obviously, the question is about the case of a male walking behind a female. But there are cases where a male thinks they're being followed - and yes, I have been in that situation. In that case, I actually ducked into a well-lit doorway and rummaged through my bag while waiting for the other person to pass, because I &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; creeped out. I don't think the guy was aware.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm behind another male and seemed to be following him - unintentionally - I would &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; act the same way as I suggested at the beginning. I can't recall any cases where I've done so, but then again, I can't recall any cases where I've noticed that I was accidentally following a man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T02:37:51.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5977" CreationDate="2017-11-10T21:07:19.777" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Safety is a &lt;em&gt;culture&lt;/em&gt;, the tenor with which everyone interacts.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not buyable, and the government or whistleblowers can't impose it. It's not about gear; having the correct kit in the emergency bag, is helpful but it doesn't cure the core problem of culture.  That kit will simply get neglected, scavenged or used up &lt;em&gt;again&lt;/em&gt;, and there'll be one poor sot constantly laboring to fix it, like Sisyphus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you doubt that, look at companies which are extraordinary in safety. The Oroville Dam spillway failure necessitated that a half billion dollar &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nbclosangeles.com/multimedia/Oroville-Dam-Spillway-Damage-Repairs-California-Storm-Water-Flooding-419258184.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;rebuild&lt;/a&gt; happen inside 5 months, and mistakes were made that pushed it back to closer to 4.  Big rush.  500 people working 2 shifts (the heat of the day was too hot for the concrete), millions of cubic yards of material, roller compacted concrete 100 feet deep, 700,000 man-hours logged. Delivered on-time and &lt;strong&gt;0 injuries&lt;/strong&gt;.  This size of project typically has a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gotthard_Base_Tunnel#Deaths_during_construction&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;body count&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How does that even happen?  It certainly wasn't legislated as part of the contract.  It wasn't intense OSHA or DWR inspections.  Heck, Kiewit was the &lt;em&gt;low bidder&lt;/em&gt;.  This is just what Kiewit does. This is their thing.  It's &lt;em&gt;culture&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A big factor in safety culture is &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crew_resource_management&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Crew Resource Management&lt;/a&gt;, which is people working effectively together -- and what they don't mention so much about CRM is that it's largely about what you don't do: sustain interpersonal tiffs and feuds, workplace politics, pranks, passive aggression -- when your mind is on that, it's not on the subtle stuff, like an employee's face momentarily darkened by the shadow of a crane boom swinging unexpectedly.  When you're eavesdropping on gossip that you're worried will affect you, you're not inventorying emergency gear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another safety-culture problem is &quot;I need a paycheck&quot;.  Sorry. That's reality. Paycheck's no good if you're dead.  Unfortunately that means you're starting off on the wrong foot if you're trying to evangelize safety here.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's really what it is: evangelism.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is the most basic measure of safety: &lt;strong&gt;the crew is behind it&lt;/strong&gt;. If they're not, either sell it, or get outta there because you can't fix it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T21:07:19.777" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6621" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6423" CreationDate="2017-11-10T21:29:13.710" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Follow these steps:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) When your mother treats you poorly (yells or otherwise treats you with disrespect) ask her to lower her voice and use kinder words.&lt;/strong&gt;  Please note if she lowers her voice or uses nice words but with a sarcastic tone you should probably consider this a success, thank her with a smile, if you can, and continue with your dinner/activity.  If the sarcasm doesn't disappear after three or more different occasions (each occasion being on a separate day at least)  then you should ask her to not be sarcastic.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) If she continues to yell or be mean leave the room.&lt;/strong&gt;  Take a walk, watch tv, read a book.  listen to some calming music. Whatever soothes you and helps you deal with your misophonia.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3)If Your mother pursues you just explain&lt;/strong&gt; that you don't like the way you were being treated, so you've gone to anther room to calm down.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4) If she continues trying to argue or otherwise deliberately makes your life unpleasant then leave her house and go to your own home/apartment.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5)If you have to repeat this entire routine more than 3 times with no improvement then you will need to honestly consider if you mother is to caustic to continue visiting.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Please note&lt;/strong&gt; that you will need to be &lt;strong&gt;absolutely calm&lt;/strong&gt; during this process.  Speaking calmly and respectfully to her especially when taking the above steps does two things, 1- it shows her an example of correct/nice/kind/respectful behavior. 2- shows her that she does not have power to influence or manipulate you or your emotions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may consider apologizing for times when you have yelled at her (or otherwise been disrespectful). A sincere apology has a great way of softening people up.  If she does not accept the apology or especially if she makes fun of you when you apologize that could be a red flag that your mother is not willing to help get over this issue with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry you have to go through this, stand strong, stay calm, and congrats on the baby boy!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T21:29:13.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6581" CreationDate="2017-11-10T22:22:12.840" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my ex-girlfriends loved to stay in the shower for at least 30 minutes, sometimes up to an hour. Natural gas water heaters provide an infinite supply of hot water, as long as you don't mind the carbon footprint and the bill at the end of the month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Strangely enough, when I decided we should share the natural gas bill, her showers shortened to about five minutes tops. Whaddyaknow!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, contrary to the touchy-feely answers above, I'm going to hit it where it hurts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply tell the roommate that considering how much he wastes, from now on you'll no longer be in the mood to pay for 50% of the bill. You don't want to be the one paying for his careless use of energy/water/etc. You will pay 20%, tops. Unless he leaves with the lights on, in which case it will be 10%.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should get him thinking. I mean, he obviously doesn't give a damn about the planet, so hit the wallet instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're a veg/etari/an and he's always throwing away meat, don't split the groceries 50/50. Why should you pay for killing cute animals? Don't. Note that I love eating meat, yet consider throwing away meat to be very rude to the animal that was murdered. It's just common decency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the bucket in the shower is ridiculous. Get a water-saving showerhead, they're pretty cheap and don't require extra effort, which is compatible with your lazy roommate. You can also adjust the toilet float and fill valve to lower the amount of water used in a flush. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T22:22:12.840" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6565" CreationDate="2017-11-10T22:59:53.190" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many companies discover that no matter how desirable a higher market share is to them, or no matter the incremental revenue, some customers are just not worth the effort.   (E.g., consider Netflix and their DVD-by-mail business.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can make that choice too.  If you do decide to cut the user loose you can still be helpful to him:  Remind him that the specifications of your software X require the use of software Y.  Suggest that he needs to understand Y better &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; making progress with X.  Even suggest the specific thing (or two) he needs to understand better about Y.  Then leave him to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly I see this &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; on SO; e.g., a question is asked that not only shows basic confusion about what the user is trying to do, it also shows the user is leaping headlong into an area he knows absolutely nothing about involving lots of complicated &lt;em&gt;foundation&lt;/em&gt; stuff he hasn't even begun to understand.  The C++ tag is &lt;em&gt;full&lt;/em&gt; of this, e.g., &quot;I'm writing in C++ an AI for this MMO I'm developing as a first project to learn programming, but I can't figure out how to add elements to this vector ...&quot;  (Followed by a wall of code, of course.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really mind this because the philosophy of the site - supported by its owners and the current user base - is to help no matter how basic the question, as long as it isn't an obvious &quot;do my homework for me&quot;.  But in real life, outside of SO, there &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; stupid questions asked by people who haven't put in sufficient effort and who deserve to be ignored, and there are also basic questions that are asked by people who don't know better right now but when pointed in the correct direction will do fine on their own.  Assume your user who is unaware of Y is in the latter group, give him a pointer, and let him proceed on his own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3641" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T22:59:53.190" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6588" CreationDate="2017-11-10T23:45:32.313" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm also a relatively tall and broad-shouldered male of a similar age and, so, have been in this situation frequently (and commonly in countries other than where I live.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, the solution here depends quite a bit on the road in question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For a road with wide sidewalks, as in many major cities, I prefer to just pass while keeping as much lateral distance as possible. Clearly, someone who passes you isn't trying to follow you. That said, I normally try to only employ this option if I can pass with a significant amount of lateral distance (what counts as 'significant' can vary depending on local culture and how crowded the streets are, though.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If passing would require getting too close for comfort, I move on to another option. Moving on to another option may especially be necessary if the person is walking in the middle of the sidewalk. (Seriously people, stop doing that.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Failing the above, I move to the other side of the street to pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Failing that, I may choose to walk the other way around a block, especially if I need to eventually go over a block, anyway. In situations where they exist, switching to a parallel footpath (or one that otherwise also goes in roughly the desired direction of travel) to pass also works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's been a while and none of the above have been options or appear likely to be options soon, if the traffic is very light and can be seen from far enough away, I may step out a bit into the road, pass there at a comfortable distance, and then get back onto the sidewalk once I'm well clear of the person I was walking behind. This option works best on streets that have parallel parking spots along the edge which are not presently occupied, as I can walk through the parking spots without actually getting into the traffic lane.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, it should go without saying, but, obviously, this option requires exercising common sense and not stepping out randomly into a busy street. I'm talking mainly about alleys and side streets here, not situations where there's traffic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If none of the above are presently options, I slow down and keep some distance behind the other person and hope one of the above eventually becomes an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of which, if any, of the above options are being employed, obviously, don't stare at the person or otherwise make it look like you're paying attention to them. If stuck for a while behind them, aside from the slower pace, I'd normally recommend acting like you'd otherwise be doing if you weren't behind them. Don't do anything that makes it look like you're trying to hide or paying close attention to the person in front of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're a tourist, this is one of the few situations where it can be helpful to look obviously like a tourist. Stopping to take pictures of a notable landmark (obviously, one that is off to the side, not in the direction of the person in front of you) can serve both to make it obvious that you're a harmless tourist and also simultaneously give you a non-suspicious reason to stop and let the person get some distance ahead of you. If you happen to have a map, stopping to look at that can serve the same purpose for the same reasons. Of course, I'd not recommend this option if there's another potentially-creepy person following &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option that can work regardless of whether you're a tourist or not is to stop and check something on your phone (e.g. check your e-mail, Google Maps, the weather, StackOverflow, etc.) Again, a non-suspicious excuse to stop and allow some distance to open while also signaling that you're not as likely to be a threat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, whether standing to wait or continuing to walk at a reasonable distance behind, calling someone and talking on the phone is another decent option to signal you're not a threat and not paying attention to the person in front of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="473" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-10T23:45:32.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6627" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6631" CreationDate="2017-11-11T01:19:41.983" Score="6" ViewCount="24213" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was wrong to a person via instant messaging.  She blocked me on social media.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two months have gone by, I've done some soul searching, and I miss talking to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have her phone number.  I could call, but I feel like the block is a boundary saying that I should stay away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the United States&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is getting into contact with her appropriate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3041" LastEditorUserId="3041" LastEditDate="2017-11-11T16:14:41.070" LastActivityDate="2019-12-20T16:32:51.383" Title="A friend blocked me, now I want to make amends" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2019-12-21T04:34:04.090" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-11T01:20:02.293" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Radically affirm or incredulously deny in an overdone way. Throw in some sarcasm, long-windedness, spurious claims, and ridiculousness, and you should be well on your way to treating lunch like comedy hour. Your coworker will give up when he senses (quite tardily) that his comments are not having the intended effect and could be unwise for him to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You should not be eating grapefruit, it's bad for you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Affirm: &quot;Good thing I only have 2 months to live, so I don't have to worry about that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deny: &quot;Are you crazy? Everyone knows grapefruit is healthful for your heart, skin, eyes, liver, tongue, teeth, connective tissue, muscles, lungs, reproductive system, digestive system, spleen, kidneys, and brain. Where are you getting your medical information? Some kind of anti-grapefruit society? Do you have weekly meetings and share grapefruit slandering poetry and confess to the group how many grapefruit you ate the past week? You should join my grapefruit-worshiping society. It's much more fun than yours. We get to brag how many grapefruit we ate the past week.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey [random name], you're eating too much mayonnaise, your heart will fail&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Affirm: &quot;I know, every gram is like one more dagger right in the ticker. Good thing I don't care the slightest bit about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deny: &quot;Au contraire, I was just reading a study about how mayonnaise, unlike fried mouse gizzards, is good for the heart. Makes it run more smoothly. Seriously. I read it in a medical journal. Or was that MAD magazine? I always get those mixed up.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Fries every day? Seriously, are you trying to kill yourself?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Affirm: &quot;Why yes. Yes I am. I'm having a race to see whether I die of cancer or a heart attack first.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deny: &quot;No, not to kill myself, just to make you think I'm trying, because it's so fun to see you freak out about it every day. &amp;lt;giant overdone wink&amp;gt; ... Well, actually, just kidding, because these aren't French fries. They're Idaho root vegetables cooked in a liquid extracted from vegetables. Vegetables are healthy. This is 100% healthy.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Meat again? Oh boy, do you know that it is a bad habit&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Affirm: &quot;Hey, if I don't cultivate my bad habits carefully, I might accidentally stop practicing them over time. Thanks for the affirmation of my choices! I really appreciate how you support our desires to run our lives according to our own principles.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deny: &quot;There's nothing wrong with eating meat. But are you &lt;em&gt;sure&lt;/em&gt; you want talk about who has what bad habits? We might end up discussing the bad habits of everyone here, and then some people might get embarrassed and be unable to enjoy their lunch. I'd hate that if it happened to me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastEditorUserId="2568" LastEditDate="2017-11-11T01:25:15.913" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T01:25:15.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6630" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6632" CreationDate="2017-11-11T02:18:06.133" Score="-5" ViewCount="6832" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an 27 year old woman. I will be getting married soon. I have a sister-in-law who is 3.5 years younger than me. I somehow do not like my sister-in-law at all. I have disliked her since the first time I met her. A two minute conversation was enough to know that I do not like her. After that I have had many conversations which have increased my dislike for her further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once I wished her good luck for her exam, and out of nowhere she suddenly said that she hates people who are good in everything. She herself does not have a career. She has been doing nothing for the last three years, except for sitting at home after completing undergrad.  When me and my fiancée would go out, she would ping him asking where he is and when will he be home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My fiancée seems a bit weird too in this aspect regarding his sister. He would ask me to wish her well on her birthday and wish her good luck for her exams. I think he knows it pretty well that I don't like her, still he would ask me to do this. He would tell her to wish me a happy birthday too on my birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, I do not want her in our life. I am pretty sure she is nosy and would try to create problems and destroy my relationship. When we would go out, she would text him asking when he is returning home. On the other hand my family would never disturb me. What should I do? How do I cut her off from us?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. Every character is Indian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8080" LastEditorUserId="8080" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T06:31:42.297" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T06:31:42.297" Title="How to cut-off my sister-in-law from me and my fiancée?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-19T08:50:05.147" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6627" CreationDate="2017-11-11T02:38:33.827" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that wanting to reconnect is appropriate, but you have to give your friend the space to refuse your overtures if she wishes.  Texting or email are therefore preferable to calling, because she can easily refuse to acknowledge the contact.  It gives her control over the communication. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do contact her (whatever the method), the two most important points for you to make are that &lt;strong&gt;you recognize that you were wrong&lt;/strong&gt; to treat her the way you did, and &lt;strong&gt;what you are doing&lt;/strong&gt; to avoid treating anyone that way again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T02:38:33.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6630" CreationDate="2017-11-11T02:46:34.283" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am Indian myself, and looking at your problem with a view to a &lt;strong&gt;practical solution&lt;/strong&gt;, the typical way to reduce a relative's presence in your married life is to live separately with your husband after marriage and only visit their family periodically. This is actually something that many modern Indian women are now insisting upon as a necessary condition, when they discuss the terms and conditions of marriage with the future husband. Some people I know have even moved away with husband to a different city to minimise contact with the family members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However it may not be possible to cut your sister-in-law &lt;em&gt;completely&lt;/em&gt; from your married life&lt;/strong&gt;, especially if your husband-to-be is close with her and makes it a point to maintain regular contact, which in the Indian context is both his right and duty as her elder brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I think you need to discuss this interpersonal problem with your husband-to-be at the earliest good opportunity&lt;/strong&gt;, either before or soon after marriage. You should tell him that you and his sister are not having any good interaction. He is the right person to intervene and eventually stabilize what is actually going to be a long-term family relationship between your sister-in-law and yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is always better to be on good terms with your sister-in-law, and your husband-to-be needs to play an ongoing role to reduce friction between the two of you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generically in Indian society,  we cannot avoid the type of relative like sister-in-law or brother-in-law and we will keep meeting them again and again, especially in social or family functions. If you and your sister-in-law are always cold or hostile to each other it can create plenty of awkward situations in your family life. &lt;em&gt;My own aunt has an ongoing rivalry with her sister-in-law for the last 30 years and she finds her husband is often supporting his sister!&lt;/em&gt; Many Indians are &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=we+are+like+that+only+indians+-book&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;like that only&lt;/a&gt;. You needn't like her personally but keeping diplomatic relations might be useful, if only for practical purposes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;However, if your husband's efforts do not improve the situation between your sister-in-law and yourself, he will at least be very aware that you have a problem, and you can certainly expect him to help you keep your distance from his sister.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-11T18:05:41.670" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T18:05:41.670" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6627" CreationDate="2017-11-11T03:05:02.187" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although I'm not from the USA, I have a little bit of idea of the US culture, having stayed there for a few years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A year or two ago, I made a similar mistake. I had a really close friend, and I dumped my emotional baggage on her, just like you... What's more, I even snubbed her when she was trying to help me get over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She got angry, stopped talking to me, blocked me on social media, yada, yada... Exactly how it happened for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One fine day, I decided to make amends (again, just like you!). But I didn't have Interpersonal.SE back then... I had to figure things out by myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried many things; some worked out, some didn't. At first, I asked one of our mutual friends to talk to her first, so that I would at least know whether she'd want to even talk to me... (This went off &lt;strong&gt;very badly&lt;/strong&gt;, don't even think of doing this...). I'd suggest a sorry email or message the very first time you try reconnecting, if there's no way for you two to meet in person. For me, it happened at school, so there was no issue with meeting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A day later, I went to her myself, and tried to grab her attention. She looked at me in the eye, and called me a jerk in front of everyone else. That day, I was really angry at her too. I thought that there's no use going and apologising to her anymore, and since there was no love lost between us (figuratively), there's no reason why she would forgive me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I thought and felt this, my mind had plans of its own... I was always sulking, and low, because at the back of my head, I knew that I was responsible for this whole mess, and it was completely wrong of me to have gone and behaved how I had with my close friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my mom asked me why I was feeling low, I told her the entire story... She told me to try and apologise again, with just a note, rather than saying it to her directly, as she didn't want to talk to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wrote a sorry note, which was something along the lines of: &quot;I'm truly a jerk... I should have never spoken to you like that. I've realised my mistake now, and if you can forgive this poor jerk that I am, I'm ready to be friends again&quot;... I handed it to her one day when she was passing me. I gave it to her, and smiled at her once, before walking away...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next day, I got a message from her, saying &quot;Forgiven... What next, jerk? ;)&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, what I'd suggest to you is, go and talk to your friend directly first, or is that's not possible, call her first, don't send her a note/email immediately. Her calling you a jerk, or whatever, is an important part of the process. Preferably, don't get angry back at her, because it's actually her turn now, after your emotional baggage found it's way to her. You should apologise to her the very first time you talk, be it in person or not. If things don't work out, if your friend isn't as understanding as mine was, maybe it'll be the last time you talk to her, but at least you can say that you tried. There is nothing wrong with trying to contact her, but if she doesn't like it, you should not push it any further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T03:05:02.187" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6630" CreationDate="2017-11-11T04:57:25.850" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Learning to tolerate your in-laws is a balancing act. You have to balance your need for healthy boundaries and autonomy with your partner's need to maintain a relationship with the people they care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That said, cutting your sister in-law out of your life, and by association your husband's life isn't going to be an option.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here are a few things you can do instead:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talk to your husband to be about how you feel. Ask for a little more undivided attention from him and explain why you need that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talk to the sister in-law and try to come to some level of mutual respect. Like it or not she's about to become a part of your family and you're going to have to deal with this person for years to come, so it's probably worth making peace.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Set some healthy boundaries. Yes she's family, but you and your husband are going to need some space to develop your relationship. Take this process slowly, try not to give ultimatums. Start with simple things. Like while he's out with you he needs to make you his priority, the sister can wait for a few hours till the date is over.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that his family is his family. Regardless of how much you may dislike them, he's still going to love them. Don't make him choose between you and his family, because you may not like his decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T04:57:25.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6588" CreationDate="2017-11-11T04:58:45.443" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I encounter this situation fairly often and I am very conscious that I may cause anxiety if I approach (&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; know I am not a danger but the other person has no way to tell, and trying to do much to convey it could well make it worse). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to give as much room as I can sideways (generally by crossing the street), then get ahead (so I end up being followed), and then be careful not to dawdle so there's plenty of room to be followed in. If passing would make me come too close to them, I try to ease up a bit until the light is really good or someone else - or even a car - passes close by so that the apparent risk from me as I come close is smaller.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Throughout, I try to look calm but pre-occupied with something (at least, with a focus on where I am headed, though these days it's easy to pull out a phone and call home to say when I'll get there or text my daughter or something) but if the person looks toward me and seems nervous, I will try to say something very brief and hopefully innocuous that doesn't seem like I am trying to have a conversation (like &quot;Hi, cold night&quot;) and then go back to trying to look as utterly uninterested in the other person as I can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's likely to be no good opportunity to get ahead without approaching I resign myself to following but try leave plenty of room; I'll walk a bit more slowly than the other person or even take a different direction if it won't take me out of my way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's usually not a lot more you can do, unfortunately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4123" LastEditorUserId="4123" LastEditDate="2017-11-11T05:14:04.860" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T05:14:04.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6636" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-11T05:41:01.663" Score="2" ViewCount="296" Body="&lt;p&gt;This often happens to me when I interact with Asian &quot;face-saving&quot; cultures, some South Americans that are really formal, and even some Americans who are really polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The general case is, imagine I want to make a genuine ask or offer and have it genuinely considered. The problem is, whatever I'm offering is unusual or not well-defined culturally or culturally just &quot;not how it's done&quot; to the person I'm offering/asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People often by default reject offers or kinda non-answer questions that are outside their cultural norms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specific example: Like Andre Agassi and Larry Bird, my back has always hurt. Since my teens, I've often preferred sleeping on the firm floor to a soft bed. I never sleep with a pillow. I also have an excellent relationship with my partner, and we are totally fine with sleeping apart, because we spend almost all our days together. &quot;Who sleeps where?&quot; is all too often a culturally-settled matter, rather than practically considered question of how to maximize everyone's collective preferences. Some cultures say old people get the best beds / rooms, lots of Latin cultures say couples get the best beds / rooms, etc. I might genuinely prefer to sleep on the floor on a yoga mat with a blanket vs a soft bed, as long as we're somewhere with climate control, reasonably clean floors, and no bugs. If another person/people would prefer the soft bed, group preferences are even further maximized by such an arrangement. Yet many people would be aghast at such an offer, because they culturally assume soft beds are better than nice hard supportive floors, couples have to sleep together every single night of their lives, elders must take the best beds, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way to couch these sorts of offers or questions so that a person might seriously evaluate the offer, and genuinely consider my proposal or query, and understand that I will genuinely be happier with the culturally-unsanctioned alternative I'm proposing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other times, I want to offer money/time/effort, spend money/time/effort, or conserve money/time/effort in ways that certain cultures just don't comprehend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are general strategies for proposing culturally off-color ideas to people in persuasive, non-offensive ways?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8731" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T05:41:01.663" Title="How to make sincere offers across cultural boundaries?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-11T17:20:31.273" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-11T07:24:47.933" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;He does it to several people, right?  And it annoys them too?  Tag team him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Him: Ugh, not X again!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: I like X.  What do you think, Joe?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Joe: I like X too.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: How about you, Jill?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Jill: What?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Should I be eating X?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Jill: If you like it, why not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An attack on one is an attack on all.  It's not nice having everyone disagree with you.  Maybe he'll get the hint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or ask him to drive you to soccer practice.  He'll probably ask why, or just look blank.  Then you say &quot;Sorry, I thought for a  moment you were my mom&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8738" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-11-11T07:29:01.387" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T07:29:01.387" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5103" CreationDate="2017-11-11T08:07:58.707" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question has really brought a smile to my heart and so many wonderful memories.  My husband and I loved to travel and he was the sweetest man.  I used to say to him that no matter where we went he always ran into someone he knew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During our trips and picture taking over the years, I noticed that if I treated people the way I wanted to be treated it always had a great outcome.  We even had complete strangers take our picture and mailed us a copy when they got home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will always be quicker for everyone if you stop and wait and let others get that great shot.  It's even nicer if you can keep a smile on your face.  Even if you are in a hurry, it's always nicer if you try not to show any irritation.   While people are repositioning themselves for that next shot it is ok to slip past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily my husband and I spent our whole lives having fun.  From the time we met when I was 28. Until I retired at 51, after working for the same company for 30 years.  We spent that winter in Florida.  When we came home he didn't feel well.  He was diagnosed with cancer, Multiple Myeloma, on May 8th and he died on June 30th.  Life is short so start taking those pictures.  Don't let the small stuff get in your way.  Also, if you happen to be driving through Yellowstone National Park.  Be aware that if you pull over to take a picture, every car behind you is going to start pulling over and getting out of their car so they can get a picture too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8734" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T08:07:58.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-11T12:44:21.400" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, your colleague is fat. You colleague has therefore researched about what food is good and what is bad. He knows how hard it is to un-fat yourself so he goes on constantly annoying everyone about their food choices because others don't understand the risk as much as he does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when I remind people not to bend the back when picking up things, they respond with &quot;Well you do it with straight back and your back still hurts.&quot; This sounds like a similar case. He is not fat because of healthy food choices. He's into healthy food because he's fat. Just listen to the fellow, discuss your food choices, he's probably really into that stuff, don't miss your chance to learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2892" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T12:44:21.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6560" CreationDate="2017-11-11T13:58:20.797" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;These people are the worst. You should passively aggressively infer (because that is the only language he understands, because all of the comments he's making are passive aggressive and he needs to be treated in the same manner) that he should be using some of his own advice (or that clearly what he's preaching ain't working for him), or refer him to HR. Unless I'm missing something or he's actually much tamer sounding in person, this isn't a one off thing, and he's like this all the time, in other areas of his life as well. By letting him pass or downplaying his behaviour you're allowing him to create a load on everybody else he interacts with, so I would recommend that you find a way to teach him that his behaviour will not be tolerated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need nutritional advice to back anything up, I'm a qualified nutritionist and there are no foods that are unhealthy (outside of exceptions and chemical-heavy foods/drinks), there are just foods you should eat in limited quantities. I myself regularly eat donuts, but haven't put on a single pound in years, primarily because I don't gorge myself on 20 of them. Anybody can have fries every day. It's a question of how much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;AND, if you actually think about what he's doing, he is basically inviting you to a verbal sparring match to defend your consumption choices when your guard is down and you're trying to enjoy yourself. That's not just passive aggressive, that's AGGRESSIVE aggressive. If you think about what he's actually doing, I would report him to HR in the strongest language possible, and ask them to ask the people who work with him whether similar reports have been made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8750" LastEditorUserId="98" LastEditDate="2017-11-12T06:59:26.780" LastActivityDate="2017-11-12T06:59:26.780" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6565" CreationDate="2017-11-11T15:28:17.327" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Consider your work rewarding in that it is helping others.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a physicist that is learning c code and other software languages. In the physics world, I can hold my ground. However, in physics, there are times when I can get confused looking at other peoples work and then have the &quot;I got it &quot; moment. This happens a lot in software as there can be many variations of syntax in software. What may be elegant for some can be confusing for others. Consider your work rewarding in that it is helping others. &#xA;I sometimes teach and when I am asked a question by a student, I want to answer and have the interest and passion for that question as if I have been waiting for that question all day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8758" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-11-11T16:40:38.113" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T16:40:38.113" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6627" CreationDate="2017-11-11T17:03:52.403" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;An apology is a good thing. I think a lot of people really don't think of how to do one, however.  For the sake of other readers here, I'll outline the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Approach this with humility.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say &quot;I did this.  I was wrong&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge that you and your actions have hurt the person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say &quot;I'm sorry&quot; and mean it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Allow the person to respond and if they don't within a few seconds, graciously walk away.  They may need time to process your apology.  Adding &quot;Thanks for hearing me out&quot; (and meaning it) may be appropriate.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DO NOT explain why you did what you did.  DO NOT say &quot;I'm sorry you...&quot; or apologize for them.  DO NOT lay responsibility on any other person, circumstance, place, thing, mystical being, whatever.  You did it, now own up to it like an adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to beat yourself up or do anything foolish but you do need to be sincere.  Doing this in person is harder but it's also more personal and more effective than via e-mail, text, letter, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T17:03:52.403" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6654" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6912" CreationDate="2017-11-11T19:19:03.030" Score="20" ViewCount="6087" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a guy in my Master's classes, who says hi to me (and to a bunch of other women) and with whom I have occasionally engaged in small talk, mainly commenting on the lectures. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last week, I missed two consecutive lectures because I was sick. Next time I had class, the moment the guy saw me he instantly was like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey what happened to you? Why didn't you give any of us your phone number? Don't be silly, &lt;em&gt;we&lt;/em&gt; could have signed you in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently, there are a number of women in this program and this guy, who sign each other in when some of them don't want to attend a lecture. No biggie to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So ideally when that guy asked me that question, I would like to have said &quot;Duh, because I didn't want to?&quot;. The guy had already given me his name and number before I had the chance to respond.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided to not think much of it.  I would never call the guy anyway.  We ended up exchanging numbers. It felt &quot;whatever&quot; at the time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I now have second thoughts about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are only allowed ten absences in this course, and this is why a lot of students sometimes just show up to sign their name and leave. Smart, right? So far none of the lecturers have taken attendance and I have a feeling they don't care. They are getting paid. (Meanwhile, the number of attendees has visibly decreased). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short, I don't want to forge someone's signature, even if it's just their initials. I find it unethical, enabling and so on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I avoid signing for someone else if I'm contacted about it&lt;/strong&gt; (I clearly messed up by giving the guy my number)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-11-12T12:15:35.560" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T07:29:05.017" Title="How can I avoid signing the attendance sheet for someone who wants to sit out a class?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6654" CreationDate="2017-11-11T19:47:16.500" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just be honest about it. Tell whoever calls that you don't feel comfortable with signing them in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most situations where someone is asking you for a favor it's completely ok to decline. In a situation where someone is asking you to take a risk for them, it's even more so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly it probably would have been better to voice your concern from the start, but that's no reason not to voice your concern when/if someone calls you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel the need to explain, I'm sure signing someone else in violates some part of your student code of conduct, and you could use a fear of expulsion as a reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T19:47:16.500" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6654" CreationDate="2017-11-11T19:48:31.803" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are currently in your Masters. This is a time where you are allowed to and expected to have more personal responsibility. Nevertheless, the organiser of the course(s) values their lectures enough to make attendance mandatory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They dislike that, judged for themselves that they don't need the lectures to pass, and decide to skip them. Power to them. They'll have less material to study with, so they will have to make up for that in some other way. But responsible as they are, of course they would spend their time not in the lectures studying some other way, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't matter. It is their responsibility on how to pass the course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Should you enable them?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it matters all that much. One way or another, they'll find someone to sign off for them. Does that mean it has to be you? No, if you don't feel comfortable doing it, it is better to be honest and tell them, than to just keep quiet and not do it. If they're hell-bent on skipping class, they'll find a way, so you don't have to be an accomplice if you don't want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;But what about my occasional absence because of sickness?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what those 10 absences you are allowed are for. If you want, you could send the lecturer an email saying that you're absent because of sickness. This might help you if you end up missing more than 10 lectures, as it is better than a silent no-show. It also shows the lecturer that you are interested in the lecture, but are indisposed, rather than that you don't give a fig and just decide to not show up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What if they are just ill, instead of skipping class intentionally?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same thing, that's what those 10 allowed absences are for. The same I said above goes for them too. However, if they would end up going past 10 absences, and don't want to rely on the lecturer to allow them some extra (basically, rely on the lecturer believing them calling in sick instead of making it up as an excuse), covering for them might be somewhat more noble than if it were a case of blatant skipping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all though, this is an issue between them and the course/lecturer/university, so you should appeal to their responsibility to solve this problem, instead of needing you to cover for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T19:48:31.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6654" CreationDate="2017-11-11T20:21:58.987" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what you describe, it looks like it's very easy to avoid this for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lets review the facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A group of people has already been doing this amongst themselves&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some of them might not show up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Now they've incorporated you into their group&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems unlikely that you will be asked to sign someone. I think all you need to do is to not call them and have them sign for you. It seems like they're already doing it for each other, and the chance that all others of them aren't in is low, and since you've never done it for them, they might prefer their usual accomplices anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it does come to it, you will have to state firmly that you don't feel comfortable doing it. If necessary, remind them that you could get kicked out of uni or have criminal charges leveled against you for this. (Forging a signature is illegal)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-11T20:21:58.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6658" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6775" CreationDate="2017-11-11T23:32:09.470" Score="4" ViewCount="779" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 14 years old and I'm doing competitive ski racing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This year, I moved up into an older ski group (U16). All my friends from the past year either quit ski racing to get a job, or they didn't move up to U16 and are still doing another year of U14.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this year in my level there are 4 other guys. They are all really good friends and hang out together a lot. For the past few days I've been trying to hang out with them and become friends with them. Unfortunately I'm pretty bad at making friends and I'm a bit quieter. Because of this, they usually just tease me and don't want to hang out with me and usually just ditch me on the chair lift (I don't necessary blame them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the guys is my age, and the other 3 are a year older than me. The only thing we have in common is ski racing, none of them go to my school or have other similar interests. They would be considered the &quot;popular&quot; guys and I'm the quiet kid/the not as popular guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ski season is 6 months long, and on the average week we ski 3-4 long days, plus some times a night after school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I don't have much time to hang out with my good friends from school because I'm either skiing or trying to catch up with homework.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I don't do well with being alone for long periods of time, so if I have to up alone on the chairlift almost every time for multiple days a week, it will probably begin to drive me insane very quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I try to become friends with the other 4 guys without seeming weird? And if I am completely unable to do this, how should I attempt to get through the next 6 months of isolation without going completely insane?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7837" LastEditorUserId="1732" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T18:11:05.580" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T21:06:38.307" Title="How to try to make new friends? // How to get through a long ski season if I'm not able to Make any new friends?" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-11-23T10:22:04.627" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6658" CreationDate="2017-11-12T00:25:33.703" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to be friends with them, just ask them that clearly. If you feel scared or something, just calm your nerves, and go talk to them. (You shouldn't necessarily use the words &quot;can we be friends&quot; though...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friends can only be made by actually spending time together, or hanging out with them, whatever you call it. If they are nice people (not bullies), then they probably won't have any problems with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, at the end, it's you who will have to approach them, as they won't approach you seeing that you normally don't talk much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you fail to do this, you could actually think of adopting a new hobby that you can do anywhere (like reading books, playing games on your phone, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T18:38:25.507" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T18:38:25.507" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6654" CreationDate="2017-11-12T03:32:12.593" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I avoid signing for someone else if I'm contacted about it [...]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Easy, just don't sign their name. Signing is an action that you take, or don't, as you wish. It's not like someone is going to control your mind and force your arm to make the motion of signing someone else's name!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps what you're really worried about is how to ethically reconcile your desire not to sign for someone else, with the impression they may have that you would do so if asked. If that's your concern, then the ethical and polite thing to do is, if you're asked to sign for somebody, simply tell them you won't do it. Depending on how direct you want to be, you could say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, sorry, I'm not going to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm not comfortable doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or you could make up some excuse for why you can't (but then that's lying of a different sort... up to you whether you want to go down that path).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even include something indicating that you've changed your mind, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I've changed my mind and I'm not comfortable doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you only need to do so (or more precisely, it would only be impolite not to do so, in my opinion) if you actually said you would sign in for people. From what you've written in the question, it doesn't sound like you made any such promise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1920" LastActivityDate="2017-11-12T03:32:12.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6588" CreationDate="2017-11-12T03:42:41.947" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could just wave at them... maybe even a friendly smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that they're in front of you, travelling the same direction, then they must be turning around often to look. So a brief wave &amp;amp; smile the next time they look seems reasonable.  As if you're waving at your local mail carrier or a senior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're so concerned that you're going to do something nefarious, then &lt;em&gt;nothing you actually do will change their mind&lt;/em&gt;, anything could be a trick, and &lt;strong&gt;it's their responsibility&lt;/strong&gt; to cross the street or go a different direction or walk in a circle or something if they feel they should. You're not responsible for their perceived fears, and you honestly have no idea what they're really thinking anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just act normally, walk in a straight path, and if they do walk in a circle definitely don't follow them! If they really do think you're a criminal, they might even be dangerous to you. If a friendly wave &amp;amp; smile seems to make them worse or act weird, then maybe &lt;em&gt;they're the night weirdo&lt;/em&gt; and you could consider crossing the street after all...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. Try &amp;amp; walk with a friend at night. If leaving work, walk to one car then drive the other person to their car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3536" LastActivityDate="2017-11-12T03:42:41.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6663" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-12T08:26:45.200" Score="3" ViewCount="889" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not sure if this should be posted at the Workplace, but this question (for me) is more about interpersonal skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My colleague and I dated for some time, then we stopped doing so later on (she was the one who adduced that we should stop doing so). I respect that decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then after some time, she got promoted (we're on the same team).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our interaction became awkward and she would often criticise my work standards (I think her criticisms are mainly based on her observation; I never shared with her how I deal with things at work, it just comes to her through shared emails and perhaps the opinion of other people). I am also struggling as to why she criticises me, considering that I received recognition for the work that I've been doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if I provided enough context, but that's the summary in general. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We still interact but I know that it's just for the purpose of showing professionalism. I noticed that she tries her best to avoid having an interaction and I try to avoid having interaction as well (considering that she gives her utmost effort). However, whenever I speak up about work-related matters in team meetings, she usually reject my ideas; and I don't understand why (my ideas are relevant to the mission, vision and goals of the company).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that our dates were friendly rather than romantic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to know what are the things that I should do to deal with the situation I am in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8797" LastEditorUserId="8797" LastEditDate="2017-11-12T08:33:41.743" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T14:42:24.863" Title="How to deal with an awkward situation at work" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-13T17:08:34.973" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6654" CreationDate="2017-11-12T10:02:35.453" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We are only allowed ten absences in this course, and this is why a lot of students sometimes just show up to sign their name and leave. Smart, right ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, not smart.  Just cheating and wasteful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's frankly embarrassing to see Master's students behaving in this juvenile way and worse to see the institute rubber stamp this behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So far none of the lecturers have taken attendance and I have a feeling they don't care. They are getting paid. (Meanwhile, the number of attendees has visibly decreased). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The correct solution would be for the students to get together and ask (the institute) for this class to be made entirely optional or (more sensibly for both sides) simply removed from the schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not serving any useful purpose (for either side) to keep this class going.  It's a farce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the adult thing to do would be to simply deal with the real problem - nobody has any interest in the class at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People pretending to turn up simply achieves nothing - it's time and money wasted all around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Better to replace the class with something that is useful to both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-11-12T10:02:35.453" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6677" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6449" CreationDate="2017-11-12T17:36:24.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are plenty of fine answers here and I wasn't going to add my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But consider this: If you do not let her know unambiguously that you do not feel that romantic chemistry and never will, and she holds on to hope that you will, then she may not be able to move on and find the happiness she wants in another relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her feelings are not your responsibility. Yet, especially since you do care about her on some level, you have an opportunity to help her move on and seek what she really wants. She can't have what she wants with you, because her feelings are not reciprocated, and the chemistry she seems to feel is one-sided. On a related note, it would be selfish of her to insist on a one-sided relationship, and I doubt that she would really want that if she clearly understood that it is one-sided.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Romantic/sexual chemistry is chemistry. It's a fundamental, instinctive thing. It isn't everything, for sure, but I wouldn't want to start a lifetime commitment without at least a little bit of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7249" LastActivityDate="2017-11-12T17:36:24.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6678" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6533" CreationDate="2017-11-12T18:53:08.250" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Freedom is what you make of what has been done to you.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a person who has had certain things done to him while at school, things I did not appreciate and did not ask for I do know what you went through&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should absolutely take this opportunity to see this person again. If for no other reason as to get personal closure. He may have changed or he may not have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Know that you have nothing to feel bad about, you did not do anything wrong.&#xA; Take this opportunity to mention to this person what he has done to you and how it made you feel, he may have feelings of guilt as to what he did, if he does,&#xA; give him the opportunity to apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt; If you can forgive him, this you do not do to free him from his guilt but just so that you can find closure.&lt;/p&gt; &#xA;" OwnerUserId="3233" LastActivityDate="2017-11-12T18:53:08.250" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6680" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6685" CreationDate="2017-11-12T20:31:05.347" Score="17" ViewCount="3296" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live on the first level of an apartment building. There are two levels above me and the building is laid out such that when my car is parked in my space (in front of my garage) it is below the balconies of the other levels.&#xA;Someone in one of those units smokes on their balcony and their ashes and cigarette butts end up on or around my car. Obviously this is incredibly infuriating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never seen anyone on either balcony, smoking or not.&#xA;So there are two possible apartments that could be the culprit, as I cannot narrow it down further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What actions can I take to make the person aware that their discarded cigarettes end up on my car?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me the options are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Go to their door and ask if they smoke and just make them aware. I hate that kind of stuff and really want to avoid that. (remember I don't know which apartment is the culprit)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Put a nicely worded note on each door just making them aware of the situation. Seems good, but maybe passive-aggressive/cowardly.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there better options I can try?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8823" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-12T23:07:29.070" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T16:25:20.713" Title="How to address rude behavior by unknown neighbor?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6685" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6680" CreationDate="2017-11-12T21:56:26.190" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's probably better to knock and talk to your neighbors. Notes can often be misinterpreted or taken as more passive aggressive than you'd like. See &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also a good chance that the culprit isn't one of your neighbors, but one of their guests, so try not to assume that you're talking to the offending party directly. It may be better to say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry to bother you, but someone's been flicking ash and cigarette butts off the balconies and they're landing on my car. If people are smoking on your balcony, would you mind providing an ashtray?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking rather than demanding will probably be received better and has a lower chance of backfiring and causing a feud with your neighbors. Just try to be friendly and avoid a direct accusation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-12T21:56:26.190" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5306" CreationDate="2017-11-12T23:28:11.643" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to add the perspective of someone who has managed severe depression for many years.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the thing.  I don't know how long you've known her, but you've only been dating a month and a half.  As much as you may care for her right now-- You're not qualified to help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More to the point, she's not your responsibility.  You need to back way off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mean you should break up with her, or that you should stop caring for her.  I just mean that you're not treating her like an equal right now.  You can't because you don't see her as an equal.  You see her as someone who needs help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever is going on between you is more damaging than healthy.  She knows it because she's told you that you're not helpful.  You know it because you're asking our advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to salvage a real, equitable relationship, you need to back off and let her take care of herself in whatever way that manifests (or doesn't manifest) itself.  If you can't let her do that, you don't really want to be her companion you want to be her caretaker, or her controller.  You really need to be honest with yourself about what you want your role to be.  Hero?  Father figure?  Best friend?  Companion?  What?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't be with someone who is going to make mistakes with their own self care, chances are being with a severely depressed person is going to take a tremendous toll on you emotionally.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard for a depressed person to keep people around them long term. I hope that you are able to hang in there for her for a while.  But be wise about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take care of both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8833" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-12T23:38:28.093" LastActivityDate="2017-11-12T23:38:28.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2361" CreationDate="2017-11-13T06:39:35.927" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I haven't had this specific issue with my mother, we have had to deal with some repetitive inappropriate behavior on her part since I became an adult. More often than not, she wasn't even aware that her behavior was inappropriate or rude until it was pointed out to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind, I would use a three step approach for your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I agree with a lot of the previous answers that state you should&#xA;give a hard 'no' when your mother approaches you with her latest&#xA;project. She seems to see any explanation you give for why you&#xA;aren't interested as an excuse to counter. When she approaches you&#xA;with the next big thing she wants you to get involved in, you should&#xA;simply give some variation of &quot;no thanks&quot; or &quot;I'm not interested in&#xA;that&quot; without offering excuses.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If/when your mother pursues the subject after one or two hard no's, I&#xA;would suggest asking something among the lines of &quot;why do you always&#xA;do this?&quot; When she asks what you're talking about, explain this&#xA;behavior of hers. Use the examples you've given here and maybe even&#xA;more, until she acknowledges it as a pattern of behavior. Then,&#xA;explain how this makes you feel. This should either lead to a&#xA;discussion on what her goals are with this behavior and how to&#xA;better achieve them (or change them to something more reasonable),&#xA;or a discussion on how she didn't realize she was doing this and how&#xA;you can help her avoid it in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If your mother continues with this behavior after you've explained&#xA;your feelings, listened to her reasoning (if any was offered) and&#xA;discussed that, then you need to start cutting her off. Interrupt&#xA;her when she starts in on the same subject, remind her you aren't&#xA;interested, and point out that you've already discussed this&#xA;behavior. Also point out that her behavior has gone from frustrating&#xA;to disrespectful, because she has been made aware of your feelings&#xA;on it. If she doesn't stop, end the conversation until she's willing&#xA;to discuss the problem or simply change her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6343" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T06:39:35.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6692" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-13T07:50:56.940" Score="3" ViewCount="437" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a follow-up to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/5850/how-to-approach-the-owners-handicapped-son-about-him-distracting-our-work&quot;&gt;How to approach the owner&amp;#39;s handicapped son about him distracting our work?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a couple more weeks with him around, we agreed that he is likely being too protected by his parents (my opinion: most likely his mother, because his father is pretty strict), thus making him too reliant on others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He is trying to make a phone call. Even when the phone is well within his reach (conveniently placed by us), he still asked for someone to make a call for him. He knows how to make a call, he did it a few times before by himself, so he knows the code (password) to make outgoing call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After the work hour, he is always asking one of us to pack up his laptop. Yesterday I refused and encouraged him to do it by himself (after figuring out how much he is capable of). We cheered (kinda) him, and he tried to do it himself. Of course he can!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After figuring that he is perfectly capable to do most jobs he's currently asking people for help, I want to encourage him to learn to do things by himself. I certainly don't want him to get stuck in his wheelchair, and unable to do what he's perfectly capable of. Heck, if he wants to do sport, I'll definitely support him! (I think he has a strong body. I've seen him doing &quot;pull-ups&quot; using a 4-legs walking crutch!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sad that now he seems to &quot;enjoy being disabled&quot;, as people always help him to do even simple stuffs (and maybe even didn't realize that he is perfectly capable of doing that by himself). I realize that this is not my business, if he wants to continue living like that, then go ahead. But I'm kinda scared of what will happen once his parents are gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to approach him to encourage him to be as independent as possible?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm thinking to talk to him one-on-one, but I'm not confident that I can do that alone (I have a one-on-one encounter - with other person - that didn't go well). What can we, four persons in the room, do to encourage him to be independent? This can include us talking to him, or something we can do as a group, like refusing to make a call for him (while explaining the reason).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T08:22:48.770" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T20:01:49.590" Title="How can I encourage a handicapped person to be as independent as possible?" Tags="&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6695" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6701" CreationDate="2017-11-13T09:41:56.463" Score="12" ViewCount="2885" Body="&lt;p&gt;3 months ago I was able to get a new laptop for school and work. I was able to choose between all laptops but I decided to buy a MacBook Pro 2017 because back in 2010 I had a MacBook pro as well and loved it to bits! I am very thankfull that my parents are able to give me such tech but after working with it for 3 months I highly regret my decision and want to go for a Windows laptop again. The MacBook starts to struggle because the RAM of the laptop is full when Photoshop and Google Chrome are running. And for a laptop worth €3200 that shouldn't be possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what I am asking is how to approach my dad about this problem without sounding like a spoiled brat? My dad doesn't like losing money and selling the laptop means that some of the spendings will be lost because of it being &quot;second hand&quot;. My dad also has quite a short fuse (gets angry quite fast if questions are asked at a bad time). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt; I contacted apple support about the &quot;ram issue&quot; but everything checked out fine. The laptop is in 100% perfect condition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I make an ad for the laptop and wait for someone to offer me the desired amount before I approach my father? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I go to my father straight away? And ask him for any recommendations to resolve this &quot;problem&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt; Maybe also worth mentioning that the laptop I want to replace the laptop with is cheaper than the current one. MacBook €3199,- Dell XPS 15 €2599,-.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6125" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T15:22:15.777" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T15:54:46.470" Title="How to approach my father about selling my brand new (expensive) laptop because it does not work the way I thought it would" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6697" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-13T10:01:48.480" Score="59" ViewCount="20834" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a contractor who has recently joined a new project in the last month or so. I am ~8 hours ahead of the rest of the team and so often send emails outside of their working hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After almost every email I address to my client, especially ones sent after hours or on weekends, I will receive a reply from another teammate on the project who has been cc'd. His email will go something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is very late/weekend here, so X will get back to you first thing in&#xA;  the morning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;X is out of the office today, he will get back to you tomorrow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These emails are not automated. The text changes each time and often my teammate will include unhelpful comments like &quot;That's a good question, I'd also like to know the answer&quot; or &quot;y should also know, you can ask them too&quot;. I have been quite impressed at their response time. It's almost always within 3 hours, even in the middle of the night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I can tell, this is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; this person's job. He's a developer in a technical role. My client has an assistant who is also cc'd , and if anyone were to be sending these kinds of emails, she would be doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find these emails annoying. I don't want to take time from this person's weekend to reply to every email I send. I &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; about the time difference; I &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; it's weekend there. I am perfectly aware that there will be some delay in receiving a reply. These emails seem to assume that either (1) I don't know about time differences or (2) I am expecting a reply immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has been going on for a month now, and practically all emails I send outside of work hours receive this reply. I had hoped the person would stop after a while, especially since it's weekend for &lt;em&gt;them too&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this time, I took a couple of measures: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was particularly careful with the tone of my emails, to ensure that I didn't include some degree of urgency in them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I delayed my email sending until their working hours. This is very inconvenient for myself since a lot of my workday does not overlap with theirs. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hoped that my client would address this, he is receiving these emails too (this teammate is replying to all) and this is his employee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nonetheless, it has been a month and there has been no change. I an getting to the point where either I need to get over my annoyance and live with this, or write some kind of tactful email to someone to figure out (1) why this is happening or even if (2) my emails during their night are particularly bothersome. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I get to the bottom of why these emails are being sent, and how do I get them to stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T13:21:15.470" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T15:14:20.410" Title="How do I tell my teammate to stop replying to emails not addressed to him?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6697" CreationDate="2017-11-13T10:15:16.627" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The most effective way would probably be adressing this to your teammate directly. As is the solution with many problems: be clear about it and talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, what you've tried is beating around the bush, hoping not to trigger them, but it doesn't seem to be working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the next time you get a reply like this, you can politely respond by saying that you are aware, that you are sending it at that time because of your working hours, and (most importantly) that it isn't urgent, so that it can wait till the morning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an alternative, which would take away their reason to reply, you could also start your email with a message acknowledging that you know they are not in office at the time, and that you don't require an immediate response. That should get the message across to your teammate, but might look weird to the actual recipient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T10:15:16.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6700" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6697" CreationDate="2017-11-13T10:19:03.537" Score="74" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you're sure this isn't some automated out-of-office notice script running haywire, you probably should have a word with the person in question. Phrase it not as you being annoyed by them (even though you are) because that could come across as unintentionally insulting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest something like this, addressed to the dev himself and him only:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate your effort of informing me about the absences, but I'm&#xA;  aware that nobody is in right now and I'm not expecting an&#xA;  immediate reply. I'm sending these emails at these times due to time&#xA;  zone differences, and a reply once X is in the office again is&#xA;  perfectly acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please assume for future notice that I know the business times of X's&#xA;  office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key points to look out for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Informative&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not accusatory&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Appreciative of what they might percieve as a sincere effort&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your objective is to make the developer realize that there are better uses of his time, not to make him feel bad for trying to help (I'm assuming he's trying to help here and you should too - no reason to assume bad faith without any inclination that bad faith is at play)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T20:12:36.517" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T20:12:36.517" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6695" CreationDate="2017-11-13T10:36:13.923" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are not happy with your computer and &lt;strong&gt;you feel you tried everything to work with the Mac and you can't&lt;/strong&gt;, I think you should come clean to your father. Realistically you cannot work properly with those conditions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A 3 months-old PC can't lose that much value any ways. Plus it's an Apple. Here's an &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/apple-tax-macs-hold-resale-value/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;article&quot;&gt;article&lt;/a&gt; I got from a quick google search regarding the Apple products' high resale value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should come to an agreement with your father. In order to avoid your father's &quot;wrath&quot;, explain your situation and tell him you are willing to sell your PC and use the money to buy a new one. In my opinion, the money you would obtain from selling the Mac covers the Dell you want. If it doesn't, it shouldn't be more than 300€ or you are being ripped off or too desperate for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you opt to sell the PC, I think &lt;strong&gt;you should not act behind his back&lt;/strong&gt;. He paid, I think he has the right to know what's happening and why you are doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6520" LastEditorUserId="6520" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T10:50:13.097" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T10:50:13.097" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6692" CreationDate="2017-11-13T10:43:00.900" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I assume your objective here is to gently push him towards more independence without alienating him. This is a tough challenge indeed and you and your colleagues need to be careful with how you go about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are too forceful (for instance refuse to help him in many situations flat out) you could come across as rude and even bullying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would suggest trying the approach you have been trying so far, but always explaining yourself that you think this is for &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; benefit, not for your laziness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance if he asks you to make a call:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think you can do that yourself. That way you'll learn to do it&#xA;  faster and you'll be better off when none of us are around or have&#xA;  time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For more complex tasks, still ask him to do it himself but also offer help when he doesn't know how to do it yet. It's important that you show that you still &lt;em&gt;care&lt;/em&gt; and that this is not for your timesaving, but for his benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even with all these precautions, he could still percieve you as rude and develop resentment. Be prepared for that, as that is a possibility you can't eliminate, merely minimize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T10:43:00.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6697" CreationDate="2017-11-13T13:30:41.980" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;This doesn't address the cause of the emails, but as a workaround, you could use an email scheduler like &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.boomeranggmail.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Boomerang for Gmail&lt;/a&gt;.  This would allow you to only send emails during their working hours (although it might then confuse the client by giving them the impression that you are working during the same time they are).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often work across huge (10+ hour) time zone differences and have been told in the past not to send emails at certain times, so I looked for software so that I could &quot;send&quot; the email but sending would be delayed until the scheduled time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt; Why to use scheduling software instead of engaging with the person directly&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're new to the project, are you sure this isn't just the way the project is run?  You say you're annoyed by the emails, but I would be annoyed if I was the client and I had arranged things a certain way and then a new contractor came in and started telling other people what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So as you said, you have the option of getting over your own sense of annoyance or trying to write a tactful email to figure out what is happening.  In my own life, I have found if there's something I can do to solve the problem myself (schedule my emails at a different time), that's easier than potentially upsetting other people who may already be working in the way they like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were going to write an email, I would not tell the person to stop replying to your emails as some of the other answers suggest (it's not your job to tell others how to do their work unless you're the project lead); instead, I would apologize for sending emails outside work hours and ask if they would prefer you only send emails during their work hours....  But then again, since the person is replying to you outside work hours saying &quot;you sent an email outside work hours, so please wait,&quot; then I feel it's safe to assume they don't want emails outside work hours, which is why I would go with Boomerang or a similar solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8856" LastEditorUserId="8856" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T14:07:23.817" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T14:07:23.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6697" CreationDate="2017-11-13T13:30:55.523" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;That happens all the time when teams are spread across the globe. Personally I use two features to ensure that I don't end up disturbing someone in the middle of the night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Outlook's Delayed Delivery option. Downside is your device needs to be on all the time for the delivery to happen. Not always the case with laptops and mobile users.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boomerang for Gmail. It's a paid subscription based solution which lets you draft an email and will deliver at the scheduled date and time. It work's offline so it solves the downside of Outlook's Delayed Delivery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be using some other email provider, so look for something compatible with it. Also consider the implication that some user might have updated the email thread before your email is delivered and it may be outdated by then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 1:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am assuming that there are only two timezone involved. Been part of teams where two or more time zones are involved, we make it a point to discuss the timings with the other members. If there are periodic conference calls, I would suggest you to discuss this with all stake holders. This specially helps when there are more than two timezone involved. Conference calls are the best place to discuss this as everybody involved in the project becomes aware of the instructions you receive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Few of the advice are to be firm and to respond that you are aware of the fact. I partially agree with the advice but try not to rub it on their face. Rather ask for a suggestion, marking everybody who has prematurely responded on something on the below lines :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I am aware about the client's timezone. Can you please advice what is the best time to reach the client?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason to ask for advice is the fact that you are the latest entrant to the project, and projects once started quickly builds up their own sub culture. Hence be a part of the sub culture will help rather then coming in strong on someone for responding to your emails. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advice will either be to reply in your timezone or to honor client's timezone. If later, the use an email scheduler as described in the start. If later, enjoy your newly found freedom :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 2:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A sub culture example :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People marked in CC do not receive alerts during their off time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Emails are schedule as per the timezone of the recipients in TO&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If multiple recipients with multiple timezone, emails are scheduled with priority to the recipient with earliest timezone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8857" LastEditorUserId="8857" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T15:05:17.047" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T15:05:17.047" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="443" CreationDate="2017-11-13T14:01:17.583" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;People will always give themselves rights they don't own&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The government, the law, or whoever is in charge for this gave you a permit for parking closer to the place you want to reach because you are disabled. This is &lt;strong&gt;a fact&lt;/strong&gt;. You are lucky to live in a country where disabled people have &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; advantages, and you are using these advantages. You are doing nothing but following the law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you are posting here witnesses your concern and testify of your kindness. First things first then : don't overthink this whole thing. You are doing it right, and even though those people think they are also doing it right, they are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, you have roughly &lt;strong&gt;two options&lt;/strong&gt; :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Ignore them&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Live and let live. You will be judged by people &lt;strong&gt;until the day you die&lt;/strong&gt;. No matter what you do, some people will say '&lt;em&gt;it's not enough !&lt;/em&gt;' and some others will say '&lt;em&gt;that's too much !&lt;/em&gt;'. Don't consider their opinion too much, especially when you know &lt;strong&gt;by fact&lt;/strong&gt; you are right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Be passive-agressive&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know these people, and I guess you don't really want to know them knowing they are being such jerks judging you without knowing, and if you are just getting some stuff to the supermarket, high are the chances you'll never get to see them again. So here is how I would handle this :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't seem very disabled to be&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah well, you don't seem to know what [disability name] is either...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if you want to be a little less aggressive and play the sense-of-humour cord :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh trust me, the [disability name] is something I would gladly give away with my parking card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would go for the second one since it doesn't bring any tension, and is a good lesson taught without being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bonus: I've been travelling all around the world, and Aussies were the nicest people I've ever had to meet. This kinda makes me sad to see this &amp;quot;Australia&amp;quot; tag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6136" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T14:01:17.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6697" CreationDate="2017-11-13T14:17:12.570" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may not be able to prevent this behaviour, as it could well be a result of an unhealthy office culture at the clients end. As you say, you're working considerably outside their usual working hours, but getting responses from someone involved in the chain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The gist of the message you're getting is &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I'm working too&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;. This is a declaration to someone else who is also getting that email that this person is working when they could be doing something personal. Effectively this person is engaging in competitive working hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately as this email isn't really directed at you but is in reality directed at someone else, it could be hard to prevent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1669" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T14:17:12.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6663" CreationDate="2017-11-13T14:42:24.863" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in a similar situation and here's a few tips - though your culture will have the biggest impact on the final answer.  This answer assumes you're in a Western culture, like the US, Canada, some places in Europe.  In general, your question is part of why people say &lt;em&gt;don't dip your pen in the company ink&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be sure that she's being unfair before doing anything else.  She may be giving you good feedback - even overly critical feedback can still be insightful in some situations, as the inverse - sucking up to someone - doesn't really stimulate personal or professional growth.  Sometimes we feel someone is being unfair to us because we used to date, when in reality, our expectations are misaligned.  This may not be the case, but be sure it is.  If she's being critical, is there any truth to it?  At worst, she's being unfair; at best, you get a chance to grow from truly brutal feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In general, if you are performing highly and others at work notice this, but she doesn't, this will reflect more on her than you.  In other words, she's taking a big risk here and if this is a pattern others notice, this gives you a chance to dispute some of the criticism, if that's what you choose to do.  You may also use this as an opportunity to switch teams or something else.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You may be in a situation where you can switch teams.  If you can do so, I would recommend it.  If not, use this opportunity as a growth opportunity and realize that you'll have to go the extra mile.  Build references inside the company outside of her to position yourself to be able to move to a new company, if the situation calls for that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation sucks, but you are growing as a person.  One thing you're learning is never behave this way if a relationship doesn't go your way.  Vindictive behavior ultimately confirms why a person may have chosen to end a relationship, so if she's being extremely unfair to you, this reflects poorly on her.  You have a chance to shine here, even if there will be some awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T14:42:24.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6695" CreationDate="2017-11-13T15:08:55.733" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;1) As others pointed out, there might be something else that is wrong, aside of the hardware of the Macbook. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) For your dad,&lt;/strong&gt; my parents are like that. It is in their nature, and you can't change that. In my personal experience, that 'short fuse' temper tantrum will come, no way around that really. Just tell him that it is what it is, and you did your research. (But be sure to be thorough in that research). I guess he still will be pissed, but that is just how they are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) I see you are from the Netherlands. I'm from Belgium and when I was in college studying Computer Science, I ordered a laptop from BTO dot EU. They have several standard models that you then can outfit with parts you select yourself. E.G. You can upgrade the hard drives, the CPU, GPU, RAM, OS,... They are of great quality and offer good support, although you'll have to drive towards their shops in the Netherlands (which would suck for me, but I never had an issue with them). It might be worth it to see if you can get a better configuration with them for the worth of the Dell you want to buy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) Again, do your research all over again. I find it weird you would be struggling with those things, unless you are very lazy in how you use the programs. (eg having multiple instances running, dozens upon dozens of browser tabs, ...). My laptop cost me around 1200 euros, Five years ago, and I was able to run photoshop, visual studio, Chrome, firefox dev and WAMP all at the same time without too much of an issue with 8 GB of RAM on windows 7. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T15:08:55.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6654" CreationDate="2017-11-13T15:54:57.523" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6657/3171&quot;&gt;Magisch's answer&lt;/a&gt; that it seems unlikely you'll be the first person they contact, so I wouldn't be too worried about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aren't comfortable with the direct approach, make a habit of turning your phone on silent when you get to the class. Now anyone tries to contact you, you can simply ignore it. If they ask you later, &quot;hey, why didn't you text back when I asked you to sign me in?&quot; - oops, your phone was on silent so you didn't get the notification. Or, you can be proactive and text back after class to say &quot;Sorry, I had my phone on silent and just checked it now.&quot; Congrats, you are now the least appealing contact on their list! But instead of &quot;that classmate that looks down on us for being dishonest about sign-ins&quot;, you're just &quot;that classmate who is bad at checking their phone&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No need to feel bad about dodging their messages (...besides the fact that they're being dishonest in the first place) as they clearly have other people they could ask to forge their signature, and you avoid being roped into their scheme without making enemies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T15:54:57.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6728" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-13T17:26:03.573" Score="2" ViewCount="431" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a big, open-plan office. One of my colleagues on my floor likes to work with the radio on and most people seem to agree. I dislike the radio (radio specifically, rather than music) for all sorts of reasons which we won't go in to, but the end result is that it interrupts my attention and concentration a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The office is a big space and I never paid it much attention. Whenever it bothered me, I'd just put on some headphones and listen to music, which is allowed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following a recent desk reshuffle, I'm now sat next to the radio: I can no longer ignore it, and I find it a constant annoyance. I know it's being a killjoy, and I've suggested - politely, and hopefully with a bit of self-deprecating humour - several times that perhaps it doesn't need to be on &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; the time. I've been ignored or voted down: everyone else likes the radio. I've also suggested we have an office playlist on Spotify or somesuch, which would suit me fine, but not everyone is comfortable using those technologies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can't be moved because the colleague who likes the radio most and whose radio it is sits behind me. They don't want to move the radio away from their desk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Colleagues have suggested I wear my earphones more often. So I've tried this now for a while and, frankly, it's making my ears really sore. I also can't hear when people want my attention. It's getting a bit miserable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What else can I do to get people to turn the radio off?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4801" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2018-12-03T13:46:32.467" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T13:46:32.467" Title="How do I get my colleagues to turn the radio off?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-14T07:22:13.200" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6728" CreationDate="2017-11-13T17:35:35.953" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Earphones are a bandaid. This problem seems to require more than a bandaid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your work is being affected by the radio, this is something you &lt;strong&gt;should adress with your manager&lt;/strong&gt;. Radios in offices are fine, but they shouldn't be allowed to harm productivity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to convince your colleagues to turn it off is going to cost a lot of effort, seeing as they seem to be in a big majority. So going to your manager to get them to turn it off, is very likely going to ruin your relationship with your coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, why not suggest that you sit elsewhere in the big office, further away from the radio, so that headphones are sufficient? Given the fact that there was a recent reshuffle, this shouldn't be too hard to accomplish, and it might be the solution that hurts nobody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T17:35:35.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6728" CreationDate="2017-11-13T17:39:03.047" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What else can I do to get people to turn the radio off?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Nothing.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing to be done here if a vast majority of the office likes the radio on.  You're in the minority here, and I would urge you &lt;em&gt;not to make a stink&lt;/em&gt; over something most of the office wants and likes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you wear headphones &lt;strong&gt;that go over your ears&lt;/strong&gt; versus ear buds. These do not make your ears sore and do a better job of knocking down external noise even if you don't listen to music.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T17:48:21.767" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T17:48:21.767" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6692" CreationDate="2017-11-13T17:40:26.167" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, I've found that when differently-abled people are involved, it's often best to actively encourage them, not just passively. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you've already started in the right direction, it's a great idea to reward him in a small way for doing every small thing that he did by himself without anyone's help. Then, he'll slowly but surely learn that he's not only capable, but he'll also see that people like it when he does things by himself. If you feel that something is a little harder for him, do persuade him to try, but be around to be able to help him if he needs it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you said, he might have become used to being helped. If that is the case, and he isn't liking how everyone is trying to make him do things himself, perhaps you guys could go ahead and tell him why you're doing what you're doing, tactfully. As @Magisch said, you've got to be careful when you tell him to something, as it would need to persuasive but at the same time not alienating or isolative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've worked with quite a few people like this, and trust me, they really love to be appreciated, just like you and I would. Giving them a chance to try things themselves is a great way of letting them enjoy the attention and appreciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T17:40:26.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6732" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6742" CreationDate="2017-11-13T17:46:52.173" Score="14" ViewCount="991" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently married and got quite a few congratulatory cards. However, I didn't get any message from a couple that is friends with my parents and usually congratulates me for everything (birthdays, job changes etc.). I know from my parents that they are very happy for me and were talking about it, so they definitely know (and approve) of it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I am currently writing thank-you notes to all the well-wishers, can you think of a subtle way I could find out if they sent a note which might have gotten lost in the mail? (German mail ain't what it used to be!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional info: This couple lives in the place where I grew up, I didn't specifically talk with them recently or about the wedding, since I haven't been home for a while, although they did congratulate me for my birthday just a month before.  I feel like asking them personally would put them on the spot in case they just forgot. On the other hand, I would not want them to miss our thank-you notes (we make them by hand, personalized, fitting to the sent note and/or wedding present and send them by mail, my wife is very adept at decorating them so I wouldn't want anyone to miss out) if they actually did send a note! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8873" LastEditorUserId="8873" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T15:36:52.093" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T22:56:40.043" Title="How can I subtly ask someone if they sent a congratulatory card?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;saying-thanks&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6588" CreationDate="2017-11-13T18:28:31.130" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just clear my throat audibly, and otherwise mind my own business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets the other person know that I'm not trying to hide or sneak or otherwise avoid being noticed, but it doesn't suggest to them that I'm trying to get their attention or talk to them, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does the courtesy of letting them know I'm behind them, while giving them the initiative to do whatever they want to do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes they'll stop and wait for me to go by. Sometimes that's a matter of their own courtesy, since I do walk faster than a lot of people. Sometimes it's a matter of them wanting to be able to keep me where they can see me. Sometimes they don't react at all. Sometimes they walk faster than they were and outpace me, growing the distance.Everyone's different. I think that putting the ball in their court is the right way to let them do whatever they need to do to feel like they're not being creeped up on, rather than taking it upon myself to decide what they need from me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because, if I go out of my way to try to act like I'm not creeping up on them, that can very easily come off as creepy all by itself. So, throat-clearing is a signal that I'm present, but it isn't a demand for attention either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, an &quot;excuse me&quot; is more called-for if I'm following and passing quickly enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T18:28:31.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6692" CreationDate="2017-11-13T20:01:49.590" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Necessity is the mother of invention.  -Plato&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have observed this in my own life, as well as people close to me.  When something HAS to be done, some how it always gets done.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most effective option is to simply refuse to do what you know they can do on their own.  Of course as most things in life, this is best implemented with friendly encouragement and compassion. From your question it sounds like you are already doing this pretty well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also share some inspiring true stories with this person. Depending on your relationship you could Look up para Olympic sports stars, for example, find some awesome videos of them to share with him.  He might be inspired by what amazing things other people in his situation have accomplished. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T20:01:49.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6697" CreationDate="2017-11-13T20:25:45.053" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it possible that your client has some crazy thing set up where they get alerts for their work e-mail during non-working hours? Or perhaps that this particular dev is &amp;quot;on-call&amp;quot; for emergency situations and, thus, gets alerts for work e-mails during non-working hours? If that's the case, I could see how it would annoy him. Otherwise, his behavior is confusing at best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to determine what's going on, it's probably best to send a message specifically to the dev that is responding to you. For example, something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi Dev,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've noticed that you're responding to the e-mails that I've sent to X outside of X's working hours. Given the time zone difference, I'm aware that X will not be available to respond when the e-mails are sent, so I wasn't expecting an immediate response. I was just sending the e-mails during my own working hours and not expecting X to respond until their work hours begin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is receiving e-mails at this address disturbing you outside of working hours? If so, is there a different address I can use that will not disturb you or do I need to schedule e-mails to not send until the beginning of your workday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks,&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make sure dev is aware that you aren't expecting responses outside of working hours and so his responses before X arrives at work aren't necessary to you in case he thought they were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Avoid accusing dev of being intentionally annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find out if your e-mails are causing some unintended annoyance to dev (such as alerts to an account dev is supposed to monitor outside of hours) and, if so, how you can find a compromise that will work for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="473" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T20:25:45.053" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6736" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6751" CreationDate="2017-11-13T20:34:48.030" Score="9" ViewCount="1143" Body="&lt;p&gt;For many years, we have shared a 500-foot long driveway with people, whom I will call ON.  ON, who are now 87 and 97, have been going South every fall and winter for nearly 15 years.  This year, for (only mildly compelling) family reasons, they are planning to spend January here, here being the suburbs of DC.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are on friendly terms with them, but are close acquaintances rather than friends.  We do not know their family except to wave to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am dismayed at their being here for January.  I don't think they remember the heavy snows and power failures that January can bring.  I don't think they remember that our driveway is literally impassable for any but a 4WD (which they do not have) if more than a few inches have fallen, nor how icy it is when it starts to thaw.  One of them has already broken a hip.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can we say to ON so that they will &lt;em&gt;reconsider&lt;/em&gt; staying North this January? &lt;strong&gt;We have to be subtle.  They are very touchy about everything, and always have been.&lt;/strong&gt;  They could wind up being housebound for literally weeks if a major storm hits.  As I said, we do not know their family at all well.  They have only one other near neighbor and she will be evacuated by her family before the first flake falls.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In summary:&lt;/strong&gt;   I am asking for advice on how to tell very touchy people who are not accustomed to listening to anyone about anything that they may be letting themselves in for more than they can cope with.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T01:04:57.337" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T15:31:34.633" Title="How to persuade elderly neighbors to reconsider staying North this winter?" Tags="&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;elderly&gt;&lt;safety&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6737" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-13T20:46:23.517" Score="-1" ViewCount="652" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work with a woman who pronounces her name oddly. It's a tomato-tomahto kind of thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always seem to end up referring to her as &lt;strong&gt;Tomato&lt;/strong&gt;. Today I introduced her to a new hire, for example. Whenever this happens, she always finds a way to gracefully work her own pronunciation into the conversation &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Hi, I'm &lt;em&gt;Tomaahhto&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; or some such thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not that she's at all rude about it; she isn't. However, her pronunciation is just plain wrong to me, and I have difficulty pronouncing it her way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What makes it more difficult is that I never remember how she pronounces it.  People pronounce my last name wrong all the time and I don't see why it matters quite so much to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually make what seems to me to be a reasonable effort to conceal my irritation when she corrects me, but I do feel a bit awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I resolve this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, even though this is clearly regarded as an extremely low-quality question, I'm unable to delete it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4561" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T16:30:52.490" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T09:19:21.000" Title="How to pronounce a collegue's name when the pronounciation is unusual?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6737" CreationDate="2017-11-13T21:13:31.617" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose you can stick to your pronunciation of the lady's name, but mightn't it be easier to consider that she has a similar-but-different name and use that?  I mean, it's her name, it's what she calls herself, there ought to be some consideration to using it as such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update:  Just to muddy the waters a bit...  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a point of diminishing returns here.  If your colleague is, say, Spanish and her name is Maria, you aren't expected to use the tongue-flap 'r' which sounds more like a 'd'.  Nor are you expected to hit the tone values in Chinese or Lithuanian names.  There's a pretty intuitive mapping of foreign phonemes into the ones your language uses.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there's nothing wrong with hitting the basic consonants, vowels and stress of someone's name.  If someone introduces himself as  Tomás, what's the point in calling him Tómas?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Any&lt;/strong&gt;way, the basic advice still stands.  Do your best to use the name she prefers, you can try to consider it a whole 'nother name to the one you're used to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="6468" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T21:19:08.387" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T21:19:08.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6737" CreationDate="2017-11-13T21:14:37.863" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;What it really comes down to - if you want to get along with this person - is that you have to start pronouncing her name the way &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; wants it pronounced. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My name really is &quot;Andrei&quot;, and some people try to be clever and pronounce it in a French manner (I live in Canada, so most people simply think I'm Quebecois). Trouble is, I'm not French, I'm Romanian, and the French pronunciation is completely wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I gently correct people, and I move on. If people I interract with on a regular basis are not getting it, I will actually bring it up, and make sure they understand that my name is not &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Andre&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, it's &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Like Andrew, but with an 'i'!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does it bug me when random people whom I barely know, or speak with (like the nurse at the doctor's office), call me Andrew, or Andre? Not really, and I won't bother correcting them. But if I'm meeting a new coworker, you better believe that I'll correct your pronunciation, because I don't want the wrong version propagating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The takeaway here is that although you may have some notion of how &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you think&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; her name should be pronounced, you don't know her background, and should comply with her wishes for something as minor to you, but important to her, as the pronunciation of her name. (if she were changing her mind about it every other week, I'd be with you on just using the most intuitive pronunciation, but this is not the case).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should walk up to this person, apologize for always getting her name wrong, and clear the air between you two, because I can guarantee you that she is 100% aware that you're always saying it wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2017-11-13T21:29:49.820" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T21:29:49.820" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6737" CreationDate="2017-11-13T22:38:12.157" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you find yourself truly struggling to remember the pronunciation, you can always &lt;strong&gt;ask to use a nickname&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have one of those crazy names people can either say or spell correctly, but never both. I've given my no-headaches middle name for coffee orders and dinner reservations and I've also had friends just use the first syllable of my name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something simple can do the trick, such as: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, I'm terrible with names. Is it okay if I call you ___ instead?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your coworker has almost definitely run into this issue before. Whatever her response, be kind, courteous, and accept it, even if she insists on the proper name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then go back to your office and write down whatever phonetic spelling will help you remember how to say it. Kudos if you add birth dates and kids names, too. There's likely a whole host of information that's trivial to you, but will make your coworkers' day if you remember it and ask in awkward hallway conversations now and again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8885" LastActivityDate="2017-11-13T22:38:12.157" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6732" CreationDate="2017-11-14T00:37:24.647" Score="16" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know from my parents that they are very happy for me and were talking about it, so they definitely know (and approve) of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have three options :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask them directly if they sent a card.  This of course could result in some small difficulty if they did not.  However these days many people regard cards as over-sold by companies who make them for everything and they may simply have not sent one for that reason.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask your parents to discretely check.  Bit unfair to your parents as they have to do the dirty work for you - you're all grown up now !&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't send a card acknowledging a card, but send a card saying, thanks for your best wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last option is safest.  If they sent a card and it got lost, they'll assume this was your acknowledgement.  If they didn't they'll assume you meant your parents passed on their best wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problem solved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T00:37:24.647" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6737" CreationDate="2017-11-14T00:58:32.067" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;A person's own name is the sweetest sound in any language.  Mispronounced, there is no greater dissonance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to dealing with any person is to take note of how they pronounce their name.  Few things get a person more keyed up than the repeated mispronunciation of their name.  To do so is giving into one's most base nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to push it to the point where this person has a score to settle with you, and this becomes a staff issue, remember this person's name on your own and don't make them drum it into you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, forgive me for chiming in here, but your coworker is going to continue to harp on you until you show some pluck and start pronouncing her name correctly.  This will create a far more harmonious workplace for you both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T00:58:32.067" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6751" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6736" CreationDate="2017-11-14T07:48:49.247" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am asking for advice on how to tell a very touchy person who is not&#xA;  accustomed to listening to anyone about anything that she may be&#xA;  letting herself in for more than she can cope with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure that can be done. People who don't want to listen will just not listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you can try and work descriptives of how bad the winter is into every day conversation with them. For instance, you might be casually chit-chatting about the weather and then you work into it something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just hope this winter the driveway won't be completly unusable for&#xA;  weeks again&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point here is, if someone is determined not to listen and take advice from others, they're not going to. But what you can do is work small details into other conversations that will make them reconsider their own position. This has several advantages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It doesn't usually come across as preachy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It feels like they reached the conclusion themselves and aren't just taking a stranger's advice (this is important)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It still gets your point across&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You might hear something in response that makes you reconsider &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; stance on the issue - maybe the family is coming to help them out and it might not be that bad.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Outside of that, you can also offer your help for some of the more brutal side effects of the winter. Doing so early might make them reconsider staying without you telling them explicitly. But be ready to follow through on these help offers if push comes to shove. Might even improve your relationship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is to give advice without blatantly sounding like you don't think they know what they're getting into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T07:48:49.247" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6736" CreationDate="2017-11-14T07:58:31.943" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say that a good way to get touchy people to reconsider such a thing without risking conflict is to get into a conversation about it while avoiding mentioning what you think they should do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt they have forgotten how bad the winter gets, it is more likely that they are stubborn and embarrassed at needing help. Starting up some idle chatter about winter or their change of plans should give you some more insight into their situation to help you steer the conversation into other alternatives for how they will manage over the winter. Then perhaps you could tell them about your other plans this winter and the times you &lt;strong&gt;won't&lt;/strong&gt; be around which will push them towards finding another alternative, while never requiring you to actually say this to them and risk offence. I would say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I heard you aren't staying with your family this year, did they finally get &#xA;  sick of you? (hahaha)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The winters have been getting pretty tough recently; I couldn't even get out of the driveway last year so I've decided to go skiing this year so that I'm not sitting around stuck at home again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my advice is not to lie, it's never really the best for IPS. But if you can find some event that you are doing to substitute for skiing and can say it in a way that makes them realise you won't be available to help 24/7, then it would have the same effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, forgive me if I am wrong, but it seems as though you are worried about the rather significant task of taking care of them falling to you. In this case there are some things you can do even if they decide to stay. Depending on your country, there is a good chance your government has an aged care system in place for situations such as these, where they will provide home assistance in effort to allow for comfortable living outside an old age home for as long as possible. Providing a helpful tip about this free service, or even calling yourself will allow you to rest easy knowing that someone is aware of their situation and will take care of odd tasks to make sure they are safe. Also, if they are really dependent then these people would do your dirty work for you and suggest that it might be easier to get some help or go stay with family after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T15:31:34.633" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T15:31:34.633" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6753" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6763" CreationDate="2017-11-14T09:38:14.203" Score="58" ViewCount="13782" Body="&lt;p&gt;This could very well be on the workplace, but I'm looking for a IPS solution that will help me deal with this since the usual workplace advice (&quot;Look for a new job&quot;) won't help me in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a superior at my job who sometimes launches into angry xenophobic rants. Suffice to say, it is not pretty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes he just starts them when talking to people. Sometimes in meetings. It seems to be whenever he feels like it. I've tried to avoid giving fuel by tiptoeing around topics that could set him off, but that has only mildly reduced the occurences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm explicitly not in a position to openly rebut this person or go above their head since this behavior is known and begrudingly accepted by the rest of management. I also don't want to draw their ire since they're in a position directly superior to mine and I'm a junior at the company. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other employees seem to deal with it by just not listening or enduring these rants when they come up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for social techniques or tricks to prevent or prematurely end someone's xenophobic rants without having to just listen and say nothing. Ideally this would work without alienating or enraging said person, and it needs to work without being forceful (the person reacts extremely poorly to that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the context of this question please assume that I do not wish to pursue legal action against the individual and workplace solutions like reporting to HR aren't viable options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T10:16:26.647" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T12:23:45.537" Title="Dealing with / extricating yourself from having to listen to a superior's xenophobic rants" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6754" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-14T09:38:50.160" Score="7" ViewCount="582" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from China, currently doing my internship in an art gallery founded by a French art dealer. Our gallery exhibit artworks from a variety of countries and have broad social relations abroad. As an intern, I'm engaged with welcoming visitors and introducing artworks on show to them. Almost 1/3 of them are English speakers, which I seldom expected before. (The rest are mainly Chinese.) This troubled me a lot, mainly not because my spoken English is too bad but I'm far from self-confident, especially when visitors are &quot;big&quot; people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here with the case:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;1. One day an art collector came by and I showed her around nervously. She asked me casually (in English) how certain paintings were rendered, which I had answered 50 times skillfully, I replied with uncontrollable stutter at that time, however.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;2. Once an art journalist came for a visit. He spoke so fast that I could not catch what he meant exactly. I asked him to slow down a little but after a while he sped back up, which embarrassed me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar things recurred several times. I knew my coworkers next door, who are all Chinese and advanced English users, especially my demanding director, all heard the way I talked, which made me frustrated and feel like a fool. This is my first formal internship and it's an opportunity for my future career. The more I try to do a great job, the more worried I become about my performance. My director occasionally praised me for translating gallery paperwork from and into English (which is what I take care of, too) and doing some other chores, and I value her positive impressions on me. Even I cannot do the greeting thing as well, I don't want to be thought poorly of, due to my spoken English. There's another intern who majors in English literature and had been an exchange student in the U.K, able to chat in English naturally. I'm not jealous or mean to compete, but feel the pressure from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, I'm not always as anxious. Despite being an introvert, normally I can socialize with people and do public speaking. I also have a few English-speaking friends, with whom I'm not-that-easily inclined to chat in anxiety. They know I'm still a learner between intermediate and advanced, thus they'll never mind my speaking speed, which may turn slow when idiomatic expressions suddenly escape me at certain topics. When I have trouble understanding their speech, I ask for clarification without hesitation. (But we don't meet up frequently, so there are not enough opportunities for me to speak English after work. Maybe it partially explains my anxiety.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's so hard to be myself at work. I persuaded myself several times that my director and those visitors are just people and they will never bite me, but I can't help feeling anxious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I overcome my nervousness when I need to welcome English-speaking clients?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8748" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T04:21:07.877" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T04:21:07.877" Title="How to overcome nervousness while welcoming English-speaking clients?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-19T20:07:20.673" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6755" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6753" CreationDate="2017-11-14T10:52:22.803" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is at work, so don't you have work to do? Just say that, &quot;Excuse me, but I've got to get back to work.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep all conversations work-related, and you should be ok. If a work conversation takes a left turn to any unrelated topic, either ask a question about work to get it back on track, or deliver your &quot;I've got work to do&quot; line and get back to work ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't really need any other &quot;&lt;em&gt;social techniques or tricks&lt;/em&gt;&quot; since being at work is the ultimate trump card. You could switch to &quot;I've got to go to the bathroom&quot; if you wanted, that works everywhere. Or if they're saying really crazy stuff, have a conversation with someone at HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's probably no good way to &quot;&lt;em&gt;prematurely end&lt;/em&gt;&quot; anyone's rant, since they're rarely done with the intent of having an open discussion, and facts - real or &quot;fake&quot; - will just be deflected like water off a duck's back. It doesn't sound like this boss is your friend, so you could theoretically just be rude &amp;amp; say &quot;that's dumb, and you're dumb for saying it&quot; but that almost guarantees the alienating rage you'd like to avoid, and generally being rude sucks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Conspiracy theory: Your boss is really &lt;em&gt;testing everyone&lt;/em&gt; by saying controversial things, and seeing who will stand up to them &amp;amp; offer differing opinions - separating the spines for promotion, from the jellyfish. But test that theory at the risk of your paycheque)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3536" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T16:20:12.213" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T16:20:12.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6753" CreationDate="2017-11-14T10:55:17.063" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;On single occasions you could try to shift his focus by asking him a direct question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;rant rant rant - Hey, sorry to interrupt but I just remembered, what was the status on sales item X again?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if he does these rants a lot, and you always try to deflect, he will notice and may carry the conflict you are trying to avoid to you. So the best advice would probably be to make it clear that you are not willing to endure those rants. You employer might put up with it because nobody cares enough to make a fuss. If he has to intervene, because you do, this might look different. Best case scenario: there will be only professional professional talking between you two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T10:55:17.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6736" CreationDate="2017-11-14T11:49:59.210" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how to tell very touchy people who are not accustomed to listening to anyone about anything that they may be letting themselves in for more than they can cope with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you're saying they're not going to listen to you. So don't tell them what to do. Avoid anything like &quot;you should...&quot; or &quot;If I were you...&quot; Maybe try causal stories about your experiences, or questions neighbours could have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would assume they're older than you, and have probably lived there longer than you, so they should know what to expect and don't see a problem with it. But if they really haven't been through a whole winter, then the questions/conversations below might help warn them without saying &quot;you're too old for this, get out of here,&quot; which might be honestly true, but exceedingly rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;could ask them some questions about shared winter preparations&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they want to split the cost of having the shared driveway plowed, or hiring someone to shovel the walkways&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Want to split buying some emergency wood / propane / food (even if it says &quot;good for 10 years&quot; you don't really want to eat any after 1 or 2 ;-)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they have an emergency generator you could use, or if you have one then if they want to buy their own cord &amp;amp; you'll share a few hours of power?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're having any winter prep work done to your house (having a generator transfer switch / outside plug installed, or a new roof or sidewalks)  ask if they're interested too, the contractor will already be there &amp;amp; maybe give them the same price?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're being friendly &amp;amp; have lived there a very long time, you could try asking them what winters were like when they were young, or if they remember any particularly large storms. That might jog their memory. Or maybe they grew up in Alaska and have no fears from experience? Could be a good time to share your winter storm stories too, and could get them thinking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying you're thinking of leaving for January and asking where they usually spend winters &amp;amp; how it's better/worse than Florida/Arizona/California is another idea, you could talk a little about what you don't like about the snow &amp;amp; work you have to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or the next time their family stops by, walk over and talk to them &amp;amp; ask their family who will be taking care of them for the winter, and ask them some of the same questions above. If their family is concerned, then let them try convincing the very touchy people. You can get an emergency contact name &amp;amp; number too, just in case, and if it's someone new try calling them to a) confirm and b) ask the same questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure how active they are, but some 97 &amp;amp; 87 year olds don't get out much anyway. If it'll only be &quot;bad&quot; for a few weeks they might just stay in &amp;amp; not even notice? If they are very active, then telling the story about the winter you were stuck in your house for a week (if that happened) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3536" LastEditorUserId="3536" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T03:56:23.730" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T03:56:23.730" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6762" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6766" CreationDate="2017-11-14T14:28:50.930" Score="5" ViewCount="941" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is similar to the question here: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1199/when-in-queue-at-the-supermarket-how-do-i-get-my-personal-space&quot;&gt;When in queue at the supermarket, how do I get my personal space?&lt;/a&gt; However this question is mainly focussed on somebody being in an area they should not be in the first place rather than standing too close in a queue. The person's rude/impatient behaviour is also a key feature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was recently in the supermarket, using the self-service checkout. I only had 2 items and was moving at a relatively quick pace (I would have been at the checkout for a maximum of 3 minutes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a generally accepted 'queue area' at one end of the checkouts where but their arrangement doesn't make this immediately apparent and there was no other queue at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A gentlemen made his way to the middle of the checkout area and stood very close to me as I was using the checkout. He only had one item but he occasionally made a 'huff' sound and seemed quite impatient. At one point he purposefully placed his item on the shelf of the checkout I was using - he did this very quickly, almost throwing it down.&#xA;Very soon after the checkout next to me became available and he went over to that one, whipping his item with him and almost bumping into the lady who was leaving.&#xA;Neither of us had said anything. I understand he was in a hurry but his behaviour was incredibly rude and fairly intimidating. He was very close to me and I felt quite uncomfortable when entering my pin number. (There's only so much shielding you can do when somebody is less than a metre away!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, is there anything at all I could have said to him to improve this situation and maybe point out that there is a usual queueing area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8916" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T14:57:31.250" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T17:04:24.003" Title="How to politely inform somebody that they are in your personal space" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;supermarket&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6753" CreationDate="2017-11-14T16:12:17.553" Score="129" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something that worked for me, when I was working in construction, was to subtly redirect the rant. It was effective against a wide variety of divisive rants and it has helped me survive a number of US election cycles since then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person on a hateful rant usually doesn't care so much about what kind of hateful rant it is, so if you drop a bug in their ear about something else they hate when they're just getting started you can often perform a sort of hateful rant judo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sort of looks like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ranter- Those damn immigrants rabble rabble rabble...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me- Wait, did you see what [Most hated client] is asking for now? What the hell are they thinking?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Ranter- Let me tell you about [Most hated client] rabble rabble rabble!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to work pretty well most of the time. It also helps a little bit with workplace solidarity. Most workplaces have a common enemy, in the form of an obnoxious client, or supplier or what have you... When people vent and joke together about a common frustration it can help to ease that frustration and helps them to relate to each other over something fairly harmless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T17:35:23.793" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T17:35:23.793" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6764" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6793" CreationDate="2017-11-14T16:17:44.840" Score="44" ViewCount="17866" Body="&lt;p&gt;This past winter, a pair of neighbors dug me out of a snowstorm*. I was incredibly grateful, as it was very deep and it would have taken me days to do what they did together in about two hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found out from another neighbor what their favorite restaurant was, and bought a giftcard that would more than amply cover a meal for two. Then I put the gift card and envelope (D'oh!) In a box of dark chocolate cocoa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I presented them with a thank you card and a box of hot cocoa with a ribbon. I didn't say, &quot;check inside&quot;. I wanted it to be a pleasant surprise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Weeks went by and I didn't hear anything. I don't expect a thank you for a thank you, but I began to wonder, maybe they don't like hot chocolate, and that gift card is going to waste in a box? I asked the first neighbor if they had gone to the restaurant, to which she replied, not that she knew of. I didn't want to tell the neighbor I had asked because it would, to me, have appeared that I was trying to make myself look generous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have surreptitiously given something of value to someone and have received no acknowledgement of it's receipt, is there a way to inquire about it without appearing to want gratitude or recognition?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would cover gifts sent by mail, a surprise gift sent through Amazon, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&lt;sub&gt;(There is some good to living here! This is but one example.)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T03:03:11.390" Title="How to find out if a party received your gift if it hasn't been somehow acknowledged?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6762" CreationDate="2017-11-14T16:44:07.930" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try a polite &quot;excuse me, but you are standing a little close for comfort, would you mind giving me a little more space?&quot; Say it calmly but clearly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will get the hint at that stage, but if not try following it up with &quot;excuse me, but I really must ask you to back up. Being so close will not make me finish any faster, and you are making me extremely uncomfortable.&quot; Say it slightly louder so that others nearby can hear, and will direct their attention towards this guy, applying social pressure to behave better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3188" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T16:49:47.270" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T16:49:47.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6764" CreationDate="2017-11-14T16:47:10.140" Score="66" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this case a simple...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How was the restaurant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... should work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without saying which restaurant, if they haven't opened the box they'll be a little confused and ask &quot;which restaurant?&quot; At which point you can laugh and mention the gift card in the cocoa. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they seem embarrassed or anything, just laugh it off thank them again and tell them that you just wanted to make sure they had the chance to use the card before it expired. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they had found the card they'll probably be fine with the inquiry. Most people don't get too worked up about these things, so there probably isn't anything to worry about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In cases where you've mailed/shipped something it can also be acceptable to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, did you get that thing I sent? Just wanted to make sure I didn't mess up the address.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again any awkwardness can be diffused by joking about how crazy/busy the mail/shipping system gets around the holidays. Most people who've tried to go to a post office around the holidays will understand the chaos and frustration of the season and probably won't think you're nudging them for a thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T16:47:10.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6762" CreationDate="2017-11-14T17:04:24.003" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There likely isn't a good way to get the person to back off without escalating the situation... At least not a direct way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would recommend is very similar to what I do when people needlessly tailgate when they have an open lane to pass in. Just slow down till their impatience leads them to move along. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be somewhat passive aggressive, but it's effective. Just start fumbling with your wallet or purse or ask the attendant for help with something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that the moment you motion for the attendant the impatient person will leave in a huff for another self-checkout machine assuming that you're now the slowest option. When the attendant arrives you can joke that you just wanted the impatient person to back off and they'll probably get a laugh out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T17:04:24.003" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6658" CreationDate="2017-11-14T18:06:25.960" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Compliments are always a good way to make friends. Since you're training, try to find a skill or technique one of the guys is good at, get the courage to ski up to him at the bottom of the hill after you've seen him perform the skill and say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey! You're so awesome at X! Can you go over your technique on the ride up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives you a chairlift buddy and builds a connection. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joking is also an easy icebreaker. You could crack a joke at yourself* to the group if you've just had a bad run, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you guys see that run?! I must've looked like a total gaper&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a quiet person too and find it difficult to open up and make connections and friendships easily. It takes time for me to feel fully comfortable but keep trying to make conversations to build the relationships. Overtime you may become great friends with these guys, they just need to get to know you and you them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do keep in mind, if this group is not inviting whatsoever and try exclude you, you're better off without them. It can get lonely but pushing through will make you stronger. You seem passionate about skiing and seem to be doing well at a young age. Keep your focus on that passion and let it drive you. Do not let the sour attitude of those around you prevent you from accomplishing your goals. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&lt;sub&gt;I would discourage your from making a joke about one of the guys or someone else as it's in poor taste, however, if messing around with each other is common among the group, it could be a way to insinuate yourself with them&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastEditorUserId="1839" LastEditDate="2017-11-14T18:21:48.683" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T18:21:48.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6773" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4996" CreationDate="2017-11-14T18:06:54.713" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read this on reddit, I believe.  A guy got tired of his girlfriend having no opinion or suggestion on where to go to eat, so every time they got in the car to go somewhere, he drove to Taco Bell.  He didn't ask; he just went there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, one day, she said something like, &quot;I don't want to go to Taco Bell.  Let's go somewhere else.&quot;  &quot;Where?&quot;  &quot;I don't know..&quot;  Back to Taco Bell!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now when she wants to go somewhere to eat, she says something.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do I tell this story?  Because this person is passively putting himself in a control position: I don't care where we go, but I'm reserving the right to veto your choice.  The solution is, I believe, quite simple.  &quot;Where do you want to go?&quot;  &quot;Anywhere&quot;  &quot;OK, we're going to Flinger's&quot;  &quot;I don't like Flinger's&quot;  &quot;I'm sorry, next time you can pick a place you like.  You're welcome to come with; we're leaving.&quot;  And then you go to Flinger's.  Or Chotchkie's.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T18:06:54.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6658" CreationDate="2017-11-14T21:06:38.307" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's some good advice here already, but there are a couple things I would add.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; person at a time, not the whole group. If you can start a conversation with one guy (such as via a compliment + question, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6772/5144&quot;&gt;as cheshire suggests&lt;/a&gt;), then he can provide you with a good &quot;in&quot; for the rest of the group. If it goes well, he might even invite you to join them in some activity; even if he doesn't, the others will notice him talking with you and be more likely to talk with you also later. &#xA;Trying to address all four of them simultaneously will be much less effective. Imagine walking up to the four of them and saying to no one in particular &quot;Hey guys. Nice skiing back there! What did you think about that turn at the end?&quot; You'll almost certainly get blank looks and/or monosyllabic replies. But if you approach one guy, make eye contact and smile, use his name, and then ask your question, he'll be much more likely to actually talk with you. Note that the best thing is if you can get one of them when they're not actively talking to anyone else --- if the four of them are all in the middle of a conversation, it will be hard for you to break into it even if you do address one of them specifically. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Show positivity and happiness --- smile! :) Look for what's pleasant, amusing, or fun in what's going on and genuinely enjoy it. If you're happy and having a good time, they'll be much more interested in bringing you into the group. And, as a bonus, even if these guys turn out to be jerks that either won't hang out with you or you don't want to hang out with them, practicing finding joy in what you're doing can help you make the best of a lousy situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Look for opportunities to engage in reciprocity. In particular, look for little ways you can ask one of them for help, advice, or a favor. Helping someone creates a bond with them, and they'll be more likely to want to help you / engage with you again later. Even little tiny things (&quot;Hey, could you grab my pole for me? It's just behind you there.&quot;) can help build up a bond. If you see opportunities for you to do something nice for one of them, that's also great. But keep in mind that if they're still acting kind of cold toward you, they're probably more likely to help you than to accept help from you (people are weird that way). Whenever one of them does help you or do something nice for you, make eye contact, smile, and say thank you. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T21:06:38.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6601" CreationDate="2017-11-14T21:36:39.270" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although you already have a few answers, I wanted to give you feedback as someone who has been in your girlfriends position.  The following emphasize what I found very helpful to me when my boyfriend was also trying to help me see that talking to a professional does not label me as anything other than human.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Patience&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately the process of helping someone realize the benefits talking to a professional can have for them can be a time consuming process.  Do not set timed expectations for your girlfriend to accept your suggestions for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Little bits&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on having small, positive discussions about professional help when you are both able to engage in a positive atmosphere.  If it seems like she's putting up a wall between this discussion and her, end it before she completely dismisses it or quits listening to you all together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not want her to feel overwhelmed by your suggestions - this will only make her feel like it's 'you and the professional' vs her, when really you're trying to help her for her own sake, too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Don't get discouraged&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely she will continue to reject your ideas, and that's okay.  Even when (if) she starts to feel like she could benefit from this help, there will be days she might fall back into feeling like she absolutely does not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Don't forget about yourself&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My journey to allow professional help into my life came years after my boyfriend planted the seeds that have ultimately allowed me to seek help without having a breakdown.  Your girlfriend &lt;em&gt;may or may not&lt;/em&gt; ever reach the same conclusion.  Some people will just not seek help, and there is no set of rules that can ensure you will effectively convince her to ever do so.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; come to the point where you feel like this situation is emotionally weighing you down, I would encourage you to visit your thoughts on how sustainable this situation is for the both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T21:36:39.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6753" CreationDate="2017-11-14T22:01:25.360" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two suggestions (or variations on the same theme):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is, do what you were going to do anyway, and when his stuff gets in the way of it, say simply that you're concentrating on X and please, you need quiet to focus on your work. If needed, repeat this again (and again) without elaboration, until heard. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be work you get back to, or a meeting, or that toilet break you suddenly needed, or the pencil you &lt;em&gt;promised&lt;/em&gt; to return (or phone call you &lt;em&gt;promised&lt;/em&gt; to make) by 3.26pm. Whatever :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he tries it during an interaction with you, do the same but slightly modified (&quot;Now I need to get going and work on these&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question relates to many other questions here, about dealing with a person who doesn't stop talking and you need to break the conversation. The simple version is, do what you need to do, as if he's agreeing and happy with it, if he tries to draw you back into it, just say &quot;Sorry, I need to X&quot;, and say it as a statement, not a tone of voice that says &quot;... please say it's okay&quot;. He won't agree, so just act as if he did. He probably won't chase you or call you on it, if he does just repeat that you need to do X. If he says you don't, explain (find a reason!) why you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've used this on angry ranters for years. Stay cool, don't attack them, make clear you are doing your stuff, minimise any reward they get of you stopping to pay attention. Continue making coffee at the same time if it's in the office kitchen, then leave with it as one usually does. Sit down and work if he's behind you, and if he's still there in 2 minutes just say &quot;sorry, I need quiet to do this, its hard to listen and be sure I'm doing my job properly.&quot; If its after work at the pub, there is surely someone else you need to be in a conversation with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails, pull out the phone, just say &quot;excuse me&quot; without making it a question, and dial a friend or someone you can make a work call to. Once answered, pay all attention to the phone, and after a few seconds drift away from him to hear the call more clearly.....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically this is denying him the reward (attention) without being rude. It works very well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its important to &quot;just say it&quot;. Almost a monotone, like you're saying &quot;here's the paper&quot; or whatever. Not an emotional thing. That's an important part of it. It just happens that you have to work (or whatever), or that you're busy when he's ranting. Keep the tone neutral and the words brief, don't elaborate or get sucked into justifying, don't ask or imply you are asking anything, if he doesn't act better just repeat identically without any more detail or emphasis, and then try to carry on again. If he repeats, you pause, repeat same words (not adding anything) then turn back to your work having given him barely a second or two. Repeat as long as he repeats. (It'll win fairly fast in almost all cases, because it gives no attention but also, no justification or pretext to escalate on his part either).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, demanding attention without regard to whether its wanted, is a feature in many forms of abuse; abuser tactics often include demanding or wheedling attention, or guilt/anger/different tactics to get it. Look that aspect up as well, because it may be others do it and you might want to be aware if so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T12:23:45.537" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T12:23:45.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6753" CreationDate="2017-11-14T22:11:42.743" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're not in a good position. Since it's your superior, challenging them or arguing with them would be a career-limiting move.  On the other hand, appearing to be too much in agreement may also be career-limiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you aren't particularly close.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these factors limit your options.  If this person respects you or appears to listen to what you say, perhaps a private discussion may be in order.  I'd suggest framing the discussion in terms of its effect on you: &quot;hey boss, that discussion we had on people from slobbovia really made me uncomfortable, since my parents are immigrants.  I understand how you feel, but can we somehow change the topic?&quot;  Give them the power, personalize it a little bit, and see if they won't work toward a solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd note that you most likely will never change that person's mind, so I don't suggest trying at this point.  Strongly held beliefs are very difficult to change and risking your position there may not be worth it right now.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now... for interpersonal actions to take.  This is where you can find others who agree with you, without appearing to stir up trouble.  Find one or two people who are often in these meetings, and prepare some important issues that will need to be dealt with.  That way it's not just you.  When boss starts ranting, bring up one of these important issues.  &quot;Stupid slobbovians, coming in and...&quot;  &quot;Hey boss, sorry to interrupt, but I've got a message from Accounting regarding rights to PeachTree.&quot;  &quot;sorry to interrupt, but I've got access requests from this entire group.  how do we want to handle this?&quot;  &quot;There's an upgrade coming up for this critical piece of software; how do we want to proceed?&quot;  &quot;I heard rumors that we may all need to move - how do we want to handle that?&quot;  &quot;Got a quick question for you: a couple of us are thinking of signing up for night school to learn [X].  Since we're all here, is there a process to get tuition reimbursement?&quot;  Have it be something that they know a lot about, and make it appear urgent.  You don't need to be a jerk about it (one of them in a meeting is enough) but framing a more urgent question that they believe themselves to be experts about may break the train of thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T22:11:42.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6779" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6732" CreationDate="2017-11-14T22:38:54.803" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest getting your parents to ask them, directly but tactfully. I'm sure they can speak for themselves but something along the lines of this would capture my concerns:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Cliff and his new wife were busy filling out all their thank you cards&#xA;  for the well wishes people sent them on their wedding day and although&#xA;  he was really happy to hear from you he's asked if I could double&#xA;  check just to make sure that you didn't send something as well? He didn't expect&#xA;  anything of course! It's just that if you did he'd hate for it to have&#xA;  gone missing and no-one to ever know!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key reason I think you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to check with them is because what if they did send something and it was something particularly valuable / meaningful / personal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it has been lost in the post and you don't mention it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You'll have no chance of tracking it down because no-one knows it is missing,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may come across pretty ungrateful for not thanking them / sending a generic 'thank you' card.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It could come to light down the line in a random conversation between your parents and them and then you'll really be kicking yourself for not checking!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like the couple are close family friends of your parents, which to me increases the chances that they did send something. Even if you aren't close to them, they are close to your parents and that makes you important to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are as close as I reckon from the post they aren't going to get upset at your parents for checking, and they are a couple as well meaning they've likely been in exactly the same situation (assuming married couple) so will remember the stress of the post-wedding-thank-you-card phase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8179" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T22:38:54.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6780" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6732" CreationDate="2017-11-14T22:56:40.043" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you use social media and have your parents' friends on it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A very subtle but not-so-subtle tactic is to put out a blanket thank you message which includes asking people to speak up if they sent a card / gift and don't get a thank you card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's something to get you started and give you an idea of what I'm thinking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My lovely new wife and I have just finished writing all the Thank You&#xA;  cards for everyone who celebrated with us and wished us well on our&#xA;  wedding day. Looking back over all the gifts, cards and&#xA;  congratulations we received I can't believe what generous and kind&#xA;  friends we have. We do have one more small favour to ask you though,&#xA;  if you did send a gift and haven't received a Thank You card please,&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;please&lt;/em&gt; let us know! We hate the thought of missing someone out because we are very grateful to everyone! And this is doubly important&#xA;  if you sent something by post because we might not have got it and&#xA;  we'd never know! Of course if you didn't send a gift now is a great&#xA;  time to claim you did and just blame the German post for losing it. ;)&#xA;  Thank you once again from Mr and Mrs Cliff!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Subtle in that it doesn't call out your parents' friends directly, not subtle in that you are giving explicitly instructions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even do this and &lt;strong&gt;then&lt;/strong&gt; have your parents follow it up with their friends as per &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6779/8179&quot; title=&quot;my other answer&quot;&gt;my other answer&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8179" LastActivityDate="2017-11-14T22:56:40.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6782" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-15T04:08:20.920" Score="10" ViewCount="1978" Body="&lt;p&gt;My cousin wrote a complaint to the tax department as her tax was wrongly calculated, but the department replied by telephone. As every employee with whom she has spoken all gave conflicting and contradictory information, she needs written communication for a paper trail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has already tried:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to communicate only in writing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the employees still replied:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not willing to email. I still think that verbal discussion over the telephone is fastest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can someone politely insist to communicate in writing only without offending  and how should they proceed if the person insists on verbal communication instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following appears too offensive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm insisting on written communication because I've lost all faith in anything that any of your employees says. I already telephoned with three employees who all alleged different, conflicting reasons for the wrong calculation: a waste of my time. You appear to refuse email because you're trying to shirk leaving a written record that'd be evidence if your employees fib again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The employees refused my cousin's request to record the telephone conversation that &lt;a href=&quot;https://law.stackexchange.com/q/6934/89&quot;&gt;may be legal in England &amp;amp; Wales if you're part of it&lt;/a&gt;, but still make you appear sneaky, underhand, and immoral to a third party. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T17:08:47.160" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T17:08:47.160" Title="How do you politely deal with someone who avoids written communication?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6588" CreationDate="2017-11-15T07:22:44.323" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would add this as a comment, but I have not enough reputation for it so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not recommend Xen2050's suggestion of waving and smiling. If someone would do this to me in the dark night I would be scared to death. Maybe it is something cultural (I'm in western Europe) but that makes me think the waving person might have a serious mental illness, which definitely not improves my feeling of safety. But I might think so even if it is not dark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I was a twelve-year-old, a man who walked towards me pulled a knife out of his pocket and held it in direction of my face. He grinned. He walked than almost every morning (it was dark) across my way to the train for about two or three months. The last time I saw him, he 'hugged' me and said 'Now I got you, now I got you.' - but after a minute he released me and I ran to the train. I was not able to go to school by myself afterwards so I finally told my parents and so they drove me to school for some time.... Nevermind. That is not the point. I just want to say, I have some experience in fear of strangers passing by or walking behind me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would strongly recommend, that no matter what, stay as far as you can from the other person. If they walk in your direction, just slow down a bit. If you got to pass by, keep biggest distance between you as possible, maybe step a bit out of the sidewalk, just as reirab said. And pass by as fast as you can to make the 'contact' short and painless (do you say that in English?). Avoid eye contact and do not turn your body in their direction, even try to signalize a 'defending' body language - that will be great. Despite of that, be as normal as you can. The phone-suggestions would work fine. But for me whistling or humming would be very creepy as this fills my imagination with a thug walking behind me with a baseball bat in his hands...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And do not mind as much. I am a special case as I had some negative experience. Most people might not even think about you walking your way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8597" LastEditorUserId="8597" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T07:33:36.393" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T07:33:36.393" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6784" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6789" CreationDate="2017-11-15T08:20:26.757" Score="59" ViewCount="21738" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been adopted at early age and have no recollection of my biological parents. My adoptive parents have told me at a young age that I was adopted. Because this fact became integrated into my life so early on, it was a very normal subject for me to talk about openly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even so, I've never had much interest in finding out more about my biological family until recently. Because I am considering migrating to the other side of the world, I've felt the need to get in touch with my biological family now that it's still somewhat easier to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My biological mother left me a letter stating that she doesn't want me to come looking for her. Given her reasons, I want to respect her request. However, I want to know if I have any siblings, because I was raised as an only child. So, I got in touch with &lt;a href=&quot;https://fiom.nl/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;my country's official institution for lineage questions&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have been very professional about handling the situation. I have learned that I indeed have one half-sister and two half-brothers. They are full-blooded siblings between themselves, and all raised by my biological mother. All are of legal adult age in my country, so - in my opinion - they have the right to know of my existence (if they didn't already), even without my biological mother's consent. Also, I have the right (as per European Union laws, I was told) to know who my biological mother and half-siblings are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, a potential problem has presented itself. The institution, who mediates all communication, has informed my biological mother of my intentions. They did this to inform my mother of my intentions, and present her with the opportunity to tell her children herself, if she hadn't done so already. While I expected that she did, &lt;strong&gt;it turns out she didn't&lt;/strong&gt;. That means that my half-siblings are soon to learn about something that has been kept hidden from them for their entire lifes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The truth-bomb that is this revelation and the emotional impact that it can cause has made me doubt if I really should be doing this. The institution has re-assured me that I'm not at fault here, and I am still fully within my rights. Still, it makes me feel like a bad guy. At any rate, the information is going to come out soon, even if my mother decides not to tell them herself. The institution will contact each of them personally to further progress my case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal with the institution is to make them aware of my existence, and let them know that I am open to contact if they wish so. I'm leaving this in their hands, basically, but I feel at least they have the right to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, assuming they reach out to the institution and agree to a (neutral environment, institution-supervised) meeting, &lt;strong&gt;what are the pitfalls I should watch out for when engaging in conversation with my half-sister and half-brothers&lt;/strong&gt;? I have absolutely no idea what it's like to have a sibling, let alone how to talk to one who only recently learned I exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm actually dreading a meeting, but at the same time hoping they agree to one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8950" LastEditorUserId="8950" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T23:13:50.290" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T08:47:46.167" Title="Which pitfalls should I watch out for when meeting my half-brother who hasn't been aware of my existence for 25 years?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6764" CreationDate="2017-11-15T09:25:18.777" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;One potential issue I see is that you put it inside sweets. People frequently re-gift these asap, whether they are on a diet, due to food intolerances or just because a family member or a friend dropped by unexpectedly. If that's the scenario you would be better off not brining it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Christmas is nearly here, send them a nice card expressing how great neighbours they are. That covers the possibility that they never saw the cocoa, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8951" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T09:25:18.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6787" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6782" CreationDate="2017-11-15T10:47:33.297" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's usually complicated to completely refuse to have a verbal conversation with someone. And it is normal to refuse only communicating by writing: It takes up a lot more time and effort to achieve more or less the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you are looking for a  written record of communication, what you could do is send or ask a summary of your discussion by mail right afterwards. Once that both parties have confirmed that the content summarizes effectively the discussion, you'll have a trace of what was said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T11:46:12.450" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T11:46:12.450" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6788" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-15T13:04:16.253" Score="16" ViewCount="4129" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I live in France. While she is French, I am from Brazil and moved here a few years ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This December I will spend 3 weeks with friends and family back in Brazil for the first time in over three years. Since my girlfriend will be traveling around South America by herself at about the same time, she wants to visit me there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I absolutely adore her and it's nothing against her, but after not seeing my beloved ones in over three years, I do not want to &quot;deal with her&quot; while I'm there; she tends to be very attached and I don't know how much time I will have for her. My family and friends already know her and they get along well, but it is just not the same feeling and I feel I will need alone time with my people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell her that I want to be alone without hurting her feelings? We have been together for a few years now and I want it to stay that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8962" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T18:38:29.553" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T17:34:16.113" Title="How to tell my girlfriend I do not want her to visit?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6789" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6784" CreationDate="2017-11-15T13:09:21.503" Score="53" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what are the pitfalls I should watch out for when engaging in&#xA;  conversation with my half-sister and half-brothers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was actually in a very similar situation to this myself.  My biological father had nothing to do with raising me.  I knew he existed, but during my childhood a meeting was never suggested or encouraged by my mother or step father.  This had quite an effect on me, as once I did meet my biological father, I &lt;em&gt;then found out I had 3 half brothers and 2 half sisters&lt;/em&gt; which I then met in my early twenties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to your specific question, I would say to you to not set your expectations set too high.  Although you are related by blood, &lt;em&gt;any relationship is built over time and trust is earned&lt;/em&gt;.  You will &lt;strong&gt;not immediately or may never be considered family by your siblings&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prepare yourself, &lt;em&gt;especially if you meet them all at once like I did&lt;/em&gt;, for little relationship quirks they have that you won't (brother and sister stuff that is natural having grown up together).  I found myself very angry at my mother and father over the established relationships they had that I missed out on building with them (growing up with them).  This &lt;strong&gt;anger and anxiousness&lt;/strong&gt; did not serve me well as I initially had the attitude of &quot;&lt;em&gt;Why bother, it's too late, I will never really be their brother&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another tip I would offer is &lt;em&gt;get plenty of rest&lt;/em&gt;.  Regardless of how it goes, you will be emotionally drained after meeting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, I live in a separate state from all of them, and I really do not have a relationship with any of my siblings except for the occasional Facebook post.  It wasn't for lack of trying on both sides.  Having a family of my own, the distance, and time passing alter all or our priorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The long and short of it:  &lt;em&gt;Keep your expectations low&lt;/em&gt;.   Don't expect instant love or even a relationship with your siblings.  That will take time and effort on &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; parties. Hopefully you live in the same area and building a relationship is feasible, and desirable by you and your siblings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T22:36:07.400" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T22:36:07.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6790" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6794" CreationDate="2017-11-15T13:21:36.820" Score="9" ViewCount="4166" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a long-time friend, whom I'm very close to. we usually openly discuss all sorts of topics (even very private ones).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately I've observed that my friend tends to judge people and situations based on her view of life. She has unrealistic expectations about interpersonal relationships in terms of politeness and helping.  More problematic is that she's a little lonely in her city and while putting in the effort, she hasn't been able to make new friends in the last years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've told her my observations, but she still thinks she being wronged and constantly in bad luck because she &lt;em&gt;believes&lt;/em&gt; that normal people should behave like her because she &lt;em&gt;believes&lt;/em&gt; this is how it should be&#xA;I haven't pushed discussions about this because I thought sooner or later she would learn that reality is not as nice as she imagines.&#xA;I have been ignoring her judgmental behavior for months since she has been very stressed finishing her doctoral thesis, but her not being in sync with reality has started years ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her superiority complex is taxing our friendship&#xA;I'm afraid her very narrow view on the world might cause trouble on her professional career and, if this continues, our friendship. I took personal offense, when she lately said &quot;All engineers are stupid”, as opposed to scientist such as she fancies herself.  She didn't retract or soften the statement, when I reminded her that two of her best friends were engineers. &#xA;When I pointed this out, and asked her if she just met some bad ones, she responded:  &quot;No, they are all like that. That's just what I &lt;em&gt;believe&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&#xA; I was angry, but I was not in the mood to be her outlet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I address this issue, that is damaging both her personal and professional relationships, with her? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2381" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T17:01:08.990" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T17:48:59.240" Title="How do I address my friends unrealistic expectations regarding friendships and conduct?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;respect&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6788" CreationDate="2017-11-15T13:22:46.420" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best you can do is be direct in how you feel, while reminding her you can spend time together again soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you want to visit me while you're in South America, but I haven't seen my family in three years. I'd like for my time there to be focused on them. I'll still miss you very much, and when we are both back we can (insert something you both do together for fun).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, if her feelings are hurt, you're at least offering up ways you can still spend time together once you see each other again, and hopefully that will ease the news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T13:22:46.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6764" CreationDate="2017-11-15T13:24:35.687" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This actually appears in a recent &lt;em&gt;Spectator&lt;/em&gt; article by Mary Killen, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.spectator.co.uk/2017/11/mary-solves-your-problems-a-family-friend-stays-over-all-the-time-but-never-actually-asks-us-out/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;available online&lt;/a&gt;, where a querent didn't receive thanks for a gift. Admittedly, not receiving a &lt;em&gt;thank you&lt;/em&gt; for a thank you isn't quite the same, but the method works for gifts sent via a third party. It satisfies that part of the OP's question here, but doesn't really suit a &amp;quot;Did you find the gift certificate I included?&amp;quot; situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Text or email them with this enquiry: ‘Horrified to see, when looking through my credit card statements for the past six months, no mention of the gift I bought you through the normally reliable (here name the relevant supplier). I’m so sorry to have disappointed you. Can you confirm you never received (here name the relevant present) and I will re-order it?’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they reply that they did receive the presents and are very sorry they have been too busy to thank you, you can email back, ‘Phew! And silly me. The payment went through my debit account.’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm so sorry to have disappointed you&amp;quot; could easily be &amp;quot;I'm so sorry it's gone wrong: you must think me so ungrateful for not thanking you for digging me out.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1571" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T13:24:35.687" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6790" CreationDate="2017-11-15T13:47:43.683" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had a friend go down a similar path, and it ended badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of us are shy, or awkward. Many of us struggle with interpersonal relationships. However, some of us choose to improve our approach, while others choose to lay the blame for their failed relationships at the feet of anyone except themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The superiority complex is a defense mechanism against having to admit that she may have a problem. Against the painful realization that the world may not conform to her views, and that she may have to &lt;em&gt;change&lt;/em&gt; in order to fit in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I tried with my friend was simply brutal honesty. One night, after months of subtle hints, when I really felt like I was at the end of patience with his attitude, I sat down with him and straight up told him that he'd become an a-hole. Diplomacy was not on the agenda that evening, and I was very open in my assessment of what he's going through, and how others perceive him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it turns out, that was the last time I spoke to him, because he completely cut ties with me. All my good intentions, and, from my point of view, boundless patience, had been for naught.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to try a more subtle approach, but the longer you wait, the worse it's going to get. I still believe that brutal honesty is the best way to break through to these people, as it may actually force them to do a little soul searching. However, be prepared for the potential blow-back, because your friend may have gone just a little too far down the rabbit hole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although this may sound terrible, consider this: do you really want to remain friends with a person who is as prejudiced, insensitive, and stuck up as her? I can tell from your question that your patience is coming to an end, much like mine did all those years ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be afraid to cut a toxic person out of your life, because you're doing yourself no favors by clinging on to the relationship. Remember that no matter how the conversation goes, you will have followed your moral compass, and adhered to your principles. It's now on her to change, and you can't be held accountable if she makes conscious choices to ruin her own life and career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE:&lt;/strong&gt; As an aside, I would suggest buying he a copy of &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;How to make friends and influence people&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Maybe some of the advice will stick if she ever reads it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some strategies for dealing with her on an ongoing basis (this is after your heart-to-heart talk about the transformation you've witnessed her undergo):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Every time she says something rude, or insensitive, call her out. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I don't mean in a cushy way like you've been doing. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; All engineers are stupid. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; That's an incredibly biased, rude, and close-minded thing to say. You pride yourself on being a &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;scientist&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;? What happened to objectivity and weight of proof? Engineers have designed computers, they built the equipment you use to further your own studies. Sure, &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; engineers are incompetent, but so are some scientists. How can you say something like that and then claim to be a woman of science?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts the pressure on her to analyze her own definition of what a scientist is, and whether she meets the standard. And don't let her wiggle her way out of it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; Fine, not all engineers, but &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; No, that's BS and you know it. There are so many brilliant engineers out there who have contributed so much to not only their fields, but science as well. You're just on the beginning of your career, if you even manage to kick it off the ground with &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; attitude. You really think you're so amazing that you can look down on all those people? Even Einstein was more modest than you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be afraid to walk away if she's being a entitled brat.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's being a brat, let her stew in her own juices, and walk away. Don't put up with her crap - instead, send a strong message that her behavior is unacceptable:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; Ugh, I don't even want to see those people. They're so lame. Complete idiots! &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I happen to like them, and get along with them. I don't appreciate your judgmental attitude. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; Whatever, I don't know how you can hang out with those idiots. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; You know what? You're being incredibly rude right now. You think you're an angel who gets to pass judgement on everyone around her? No wonder you can't make any friends when all you do is look down at people. It hurts me to see you do this to yourself, and I'm not going to sit here and watch you dig yourself further into this hole. I'm going to see my friends, whom you think are beneath you, and I'm going to have fun. You can stay home all by yourself, and think about how your high and mighty attitude works wonders for your interpersonal relationships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then you walk away, cancelling your plans for that evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really, one of two things will happen: either she will realize that she values you as a friend, and this will force her to re-asses her attitude, or she will place you in the &quot;inferior&quot;/&quot;hater&quot; people category and cut ties with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T14:39:13.740" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T14:39:13.740" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6795" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6784" CreationDate="2017-11-15T14:52:15.227" Score="29" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though these people are genetically related to you, you're a stranger to them. And that genetic link may well mean less to them than you can ever imagine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, they may see you as an intruder trying to shake up their perfect little family life. After all, it's not easy finding out that your mother has held such a secret from them their entire lives. And the animosity of finding out that their mother's honesty leaves much to be desired, may well be placed at your feet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, it may prove that these people are honestly interested in finding out more about you. I would stay away from topics of conversation such as your mother's possible motive for keeping your existence a secret, etc. Instead, focus on actually trying to get to know them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Read up on conversation starters, etc. The situation will be awkward for you as well as all of them, so be prepared to try and put everyone at ease. Tell them what finding out they exist means for you, and let them slowly come around to the idea that they have a half-sibling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that if I were to be in their shoes I would want to make an honest effort to get to know you, but sadly not all people are like that. Brace yourself for that possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T14:52:15.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6788" CreationDate="2017-11-15T15:02:47.127" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tough situation. She is going to get hurt if you don't want to meet up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's an option, what about planning a day (or two) you can meet up (with your family) and explain to her you want to spend the rest of the days with your family, since you don't see them this often. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe go do something with the whole family, where she doesn't get the chance to be so attached. For example bowling, you have to walk to the bowling alley and she does too. In the mean time you can catch up with her/your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try planning the day later in your vacation aswell, so you've already had quite some time with the family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you don't have to say no to her (and hurt her feelings), but you can also get across why this trip matters too you so much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition your family gets to see the girl you love aswell. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3585" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T15:02:47.127" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6797" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6788" CreationDate="2017-11-15T15:31:54.283" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you tell her that you would like to spend the first two weeks with your family, and invite her for the last. Like this, you will have had plenty of time to enjoy on your own. Does she expect you to see her the whole time you are down there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8873" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T15:31:54.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6788" CreationDate="2017-11-15T15:46:36.523" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sometimes, being honest is the best thing to do. Want to know ? Ask.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You guys have been together for several years already. She knows you, she knows you are living far from your family, and even though if (IMHO) we the French have a different relationship towards our family compared with South Americans, we know &lt;strong&gt;it matters&lt;/strong&gt;. It's not like you were going to spend 3 weeks playing video games with your friends. You have an amount of time to spend, and you want it to spend it with your family, knowing you'll meet your girlfriend for years (not like your family) 3 weeks later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she isn't the most jealous or the most sensitive person, she will understand. You just need to explain it to her very simply, and you phrased it very good already : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do not want to &quot;deal with her&quot; while I'm there; she tends to be very attached and I don't know how much time I will have for her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be nice in your words, and try to say it the way you'd like to hear it if the situation was the other way around. Would &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; understand ? I'm sure you would, so will she.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't get me wrong : she isn't going to take it nicely. Try to make her understand what you're asking for is perfectly acceptable, and ask her if she was in your feet, would it be super weird if she asked for the same thing ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to refill your &quot;family battery&quot;. Nothing makes more sense than this in the world. Be honest about this because that's the best thing to do here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going to quote M.O.P. at last : &lt;em&gt;First family&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6136" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T15:46:36.523" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6753" CreationDate="2017-11-15T15:55:45.700" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd ramp it up to the next level. You can't disagree, so just take off with their ideas and make them absurd. Talk about how the real problem is that the crab people are currently gathering their forces and are about to come pouring out of the ground to take us over. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It'd be better if you just didn't let this other person affect you, but I'm assuming if you had the ability to do that you wouldn't be asking this question. Given that assumption, I'd say just have fun with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2001" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T12:16:27.220" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T12:16:27.220" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6800" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-15T16:00:25.323" Score="9" ViewCount="3893" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad has had a girlfriend for 8 years now. She's 37, my father 45, I'm 25. We are French. I was 17 when they started dating. Naturally, I was very happy for him. After 6 months, she moved in. She seemed to be nice and everything was going great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With time, I started to see that she was kind of a control freak. Everything my dad does was never good enough and she would systematically redo what he did. Then, she started with me. For example, my dad and I have RLS and if we shook our legs while eating, she would be mad. Or when we were talking, she complained that we were too noisy for her to write a text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I started to be very uncomfortable at home and I locked myself in my room most of the day, playing video games. One day, my dad kicked me out of the house, thinking I was a video game addict. After 3 months, we got in touch and the problem was solved, without really talking about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After those events, I moved out in my own house and got a job, so everything was great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm totally independent as I left the family house 5 years ago. I now live with my boyfriend 120 miles away from my father. I'm not sure I'm able to talk to him in private because as I said, she's always on his back, reading texts, intercepting phone calls from me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The argument&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In June, my dad, my step-mother, my boyfriend and I went to a music festival. Even though she hated the type of music, she wanted to come rather than be away from my dad for one week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second day, she had a tearful, dramatic argument with my father over a road trip issue. While she was outside, my dad told me something like &quot;She must question herself over time, everyone turning their back to her&quot;. So I thought he might be aware of the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On Sunday, she stared at me and said &quot;You think I'm unbearable huh?&quot; out of nowhere. I said &quot;Yes&quot;, knowing that if I lied, she was going to scream at me anyway (clearly, she wanted to argue). She started to scream and berate me. I just smiled even though I was very angry. My dad was there, impassive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later, I messaged my dad and we argued. I finally told him all the things I have in my heart about her. He told me to grow up (what?). I explained I only spoke out of respect for him and his love, and I have never been mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We decided to talk about it later, but she refused to let us talk face to face, insisted on being there, and finally called me a coward when I left. She also told me to never set foot in &quot;her&quot; house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then, I have not heard from my dad, even though I've messaged him a couple times about some family news. My father and I were always very close, but I think he is blinded by love and it's isolating him from everyone he loves. Unfortunately, they are getting married in 7 months (and my father always hated marriage).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question: How can I get my father back / to see what sort of person his fiancée really is?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8964" LastEditorUserId="107" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T10:57:01.007" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T10:57:01.007" Title="How to get my father back and open his eyes over his girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-11-15T18:36:42.923" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6784" CreationDate="2017-11-15T16:05:16.837" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;as Tinkeringbell noted in the comments you definitely should reach for help at the institutions you already were in contact with, this is surely not the first case like this&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am not personally anywhere close to a situation like this [in response to your comment]&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This answer might seem harsh and inconsiderate but I am trying to balance between what you are lawfully allowed to know, what you would like to know and what &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be the interests of your siblings&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Siblings&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise you on viewing siblings more as a sort of 'forced friend', in the sense that you are basically forced to grow up with them and interact with them. Also they are often in the same age group, which makes a kind of 'friendship' easy, although this does not always have to be the case, just as not all friendships last forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only difference to a 'normal friend' is that you also share a lot of things just by being in the same household. Same authority figures, same house, eating together, same festivities, common family activities, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case you share very little. In fact the only thing is that half of your gene pool comes from the same creature - your mother. And that is almost meaningless. In fact there is almost no difference in the relationship between &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt;, and &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are total strangers who might have some information you would like to have and that's how I would treat them. At least kind enough to get the information, more if you feel like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your Mothers reasoning&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You told us about a letter you have from your biological mother. Without telling its content it creates quite some variance to the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the situation depends on why your mother gave you away. She could have done it for a good reason (i.e. to prevent poverty, disease, death) or she could have just regretted being pregnant with you and tried to get rid of you in order to not have to confront her mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend going through the letter again and trying to figure out why your mother wanted you to never contact her. If she gave a valid reason you might want to let go. A valid reason could be for example that her social environment could pose a threat to hear life if it were to come out that she had another child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I think if there was such a drastic part to the story you would have probably told us. If it turns out there actually is such an issue - well bad luck for &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt;. You can't fault yourself for that as it was your mothers job to disclose something like this properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I will guess that it is a minor issue, in which case I tend to recommend you try to arrange a meeting via the agency of the institution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Meeting the people&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Before the meeting/what you should be mindful of&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;remember that these people have not much more in common with you than I do, and you wouldn't assume that we two are going to form a friendship now, so don't expect it from them either&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;they are likely very different from what you imagine, so keep your expectations low&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;they are total strangers, so don't trust them more than any other stranger just because you think they are related to you&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;be aware of what you really want from them and what you are ready to give to them (concerning: relationship, information, maybe even money issues, they might care about inheritance of wealth, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;During the meeting&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest danger I see is them trying to manipulate you. Especially when there is a noticeable difference in wealth or social status. That's why I recommend thinking a lot about what they could bring up. Are there touchy topics in the letter from your mom? What if there was a recent family death? Who is your dad? Are you entitled to inherit anything if your mom were to die? Should you contribute to a funeral? There is so much but I think the best thing to keep reminding yourself of during the conversation is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;you don't owe them&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't do anything wrong, you are not responsible for their potentially fucked up family situation, you were not the one to cut contact, you  don't have to pay any compensation.  Nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If they decline meeting you&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can still get a couple of your most urgent questions to them through the agency. But don't expect them to react. There is nothing you can do if they don't want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could probably try to push it and just visit them directly but this obviously won't set the relationship at a good start. So just quit it. Accept that these people don't care about you and don't want anything to do with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this might sound fucked up but I don't think there is any shame in it: keep an eye out for any 'family' deaths. You might be entitled to some property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also want to take this opportunity and commend your adoptive parents for being open about the adoption. They did exactly what your real parents should have done: be honest about what happened. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T03:51:19.637" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T03:51:19.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6680" CreationDate="2017-11-15T16:25:20.713" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had the same issue with my neighbors and the way I solved it was to buy both upstairs neighbors a (cheap) bottle of wine. I added a note to them that said something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, it's Forklift from downstairs. I've noticed a few cigarette butts around my patio and even though I wasn't sure which balcony it was coming from, I figured everyone could use a little wine and when it's empty, the bottle makes a great ash tray! Cheers!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was over a year before I had another cigarette butt and one even bought me a bottle of wine :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T16:25:20.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6804" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-15T17:37:05.463" Score="5" ViewCount="1666" Body="&lt;p&gt;Alice and I met when we were both nine year old. We had a very close and intense friendship for years. However, due in part to mental health issues from both of us, this friendship is now very unhealthy for me, and I believe it isn't healthy for her too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice suffers from severe anxiety problems (including social anxiety) and is a highly sensitive person (extremely). She might have other mental disorders, I'm really not sure.&#xA;Six years ago, she had a depressive episode with dissociative identity disorders. She had this other personality (let's call him Bob) that was terrifying for me : Bob would insult me, threaten me &lt;em&gt;and Alice&lt;/em&gt;, giving me full responsibility of the situation, etc. Bob was aware of Alice, but Alice would not remember her episodes as Bob. She only knew about them because we talked about it. On the other hand, when Bob was quiet, Alice would rely totally on me for her well-being, calling me at any time of the day or night when she wasn't feeling right, being very jealous of my other friends, and often accusing me of not being there for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was a traumatizing experience for me too and I suffered from depression myself. I'm still in therapy, and there is no doubt that this experience with Alice had a impact on my mental health.&#xA;Hopefully, Alice got psychiatric help and she got better. I haven't heard from Bob again and I don't think I will again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to today : Alice is in a not-so-good situation in life right now, and she is very stressed about it. Probably related to her high level of permanent stress, she have very worrying (physical), life-threatening, health issues. I tried my best to support her, and to keep my own problems to myself. Still, she's slowly turning back to the behaviors she had six  years ago (excluding identity disorders) and talking with her in these situation is very stressful for me (strong negative emotions, panic attacks...). They are specially difficult to handle because I do not have the time to speak with her a lot ; we live in different cities and it is not possible at the moment for me to visit her ; and mostly because it brings me back to this period and I just emotionally break down in seconds. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot and do not want to end the friendship. I really think she needs me right now more than ever. I know she is aware of and &lt;em&gt;cannot stop the behaviors that are stressful to me&lt;/em&gt;. I know only a professional might &quot;fix&quot; it and I'm just asking on how to make this situation easier for both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I end or handle discussions that are too stressful for me ?&lt;/strong&gt; I explained to my friend why her behavior was &quot;too much&quot;, now &lt;strong&gt;how can I help her to improve the situation ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I have tried&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I talked with her about the things that bothered me in the most honest and gentle way I could. She understood it, though she didn't change her behavior much, and I don't think she really can at the moment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I tried to ask her to &lt;em&gt;stop&lt;/em&gt; a conversation, or to change topic to something less stressful. She understood my distress but didn't change the subject, or returned to it a few sentences later.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I tried &quot;taking breaks&quot;. Telling her from time to time that I was very busy/that I couldn't talk to her now, and having a few days to myself before going back to her. It works while I'm don't speak to her, but it didn't make the conversations easier the next time they appeared and doesn't feel like a solution.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm not the only one that is having trouble with her. We share two other good friends, and both of them told me they can't take it anymore. They are not as close to her as I am, but she doesn't have a lot of friends and she cares deeply for them. I'm afraid that if they leave, it might have a strong impact on her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is getting psychiatric help.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8972" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T18:46:45.543" Title="How to handle a close but unhealthy friendship that cannot be ended?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-11-15T21:39:29.387" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6800" CreationDate="2017-11-15T17:41:14.817" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first step to your dad taking your opinion into serious consideration is continuing to nurture your relationship with him, which needs to start with an apology for the instance that has caused the distance.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when expressing how I felt about 'Mary'.  Even if I haven't found a way to connect with her, I know that she means a lot to you, and I don't want to sacrifice our relationship because of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you don't like your step-mother, your father does, and it's important to show that you care about how he feels (even if you don't agree).  Acknowledging this shows that you take into consideration how he feels when expressing the ways in which you, personally, feel she is a bad match for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Unfortunately, there's no &lt;em&gt;one answer solves all&lt;/em&gt; when it comes to helping anyone realize &quot;truths&quot; about their partners.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Individuals will stay in relationships that endanger their own lives against the better judgement of friends and family, so there isn't anything you can really &quot;do&quot; to make your father feel differently about his fiancee.  The most you can do is repair your relationship with your father, build on your trust and respect, and assist him in seeing these &quot;truths&quot; over time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, who he wants to spend his life with is his decision, and you are only in control of how you let that affect your relationship with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T19:41:19.177" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T19:41:19.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6782" CreationDate="2017-11-15T18:20:44.840" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you can get an email address, do it.  If they don't want to talk to your cousin via email, have your cousin tell them that she has some documents that she's scanned and needs to send them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then have her ask again if she can discuss things via writing.  If at that point they still refuse, she'll have their email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, after every phone conversation, send a polite email starting with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As per our phone conversation on x/x/xx &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and throw in something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just wanted to be sure I understand &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then quote the relevant parts.  ending with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please let me know if I am incorrect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, you are creating the paper trail by citing the phone discussion and giving them the opportunity to correct if wrong.  If something pops up later, your cousin can say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I sent you an email, why didn't you correct me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T19:07:54.543" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T19:07:54.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6807" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6804" CreationDate="2017-11-15T18:41:22.567" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I recommend that you pace yourself carefully.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you stated any exposure is damaging for you. Yet you want to be there for her. Good for you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, keeping yourself whole (to be there for her in the future too) should be your first priority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that this relationship may be holding her back from finding real solutions. Be aware that she may not be looking for solutions at all, yes even that there may not be any solutions, &lt;strong&gt;that this is her life.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some hints:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Timing.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Never late at night. Better in the morning when you both are fresh. Gives you time so you can digest the pain and still sleep at night.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Dosage.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Never very long. You can be there for her for 10 minutes, too. Or a 3 word message. Not too often. Once a week if you can manage.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Level.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Tone down the sound, it will impact less if you do. Put it off at need. But make sure you close off with all channels open, even if only to say good-bye or until we speak again. Text back after a time-out. Only look at a message after a while. Answer the day after. But make sure you do.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good fortune to you. You seem to need it. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45220.I_Never_Promised_You_a_Rose_Garden&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Possibly of some use&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-11-15T18:46:45.543" LastActivityDate="2017-11-15T18:46:45.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6810" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6811" CreationDate="2017-11-15T23:22:42.613" Score="9" ViewCount="2398" Body="&lt;p&gt;I drive down a street everyday to get home. I use this specific street because there’s a four way stop and it really helps me avoid traffic accidents down it and I just feel safer using it. There are no dividing lanes, shoulders or sidewalks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today a mom waves me over and accused me of speeding through their street every day, and says they are afraid their kids might get run over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other times I’ve come down the street if there are kids, I always stop to make sure they are out of the street before I go. (Personally I wish they didn’t let their kids play on the streets but I’m not a parent and don’t know their point of view)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always go 20 mph, there is always a police officer monitoring people's speed around here. If I was speeding, he would catch me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don’t really know if they just want me to stop coming down this street (again, I mostly use it because I feel safer at the 4 way stop it leads to) but I have a feeling they are going to try and get their kids to purposely block the road or something if I continue coming down the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way I can talk to them so I can continue going down this street or I probably have to find a different path for now on?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[&lt;strong&gt;Edit 1&lt;/strong&gt;] about the street, it’s in a residential area. The street is 1 turn away from the highway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[&lt;strong&gt;Edit 2&lt;/strong&gt;] Conversation with the mom went like this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom: You need to slow down, we have babies and the speed limit is only 20 mph.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Yeah it's 20mph.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom: &amp;quot;It's &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; 20 mph.&amp;quot; (I think she assumed I couldn't speak English???)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I know that. (drives away)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And update, I've been going through the road a little slower when I see children there (10-15mph) otherwise if there's no kids (ie, it's raining usually the kids don't play outside) I just go the 20mph... so far. I still get some evil eyes from the parents when I use the street, but hopefully it's ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do live in this neighborhood and even grew up here when the speed limit was 25mph. And we have had neighbors kids / neighbors play bad pranks like cover our car lights in black paint and put nails in our tires before which is mostly what worried me if the situation escalated, but luckily they seem reasonable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6888" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T09:14:03.197" Title="How to talk to moms letting their kids play in the streets" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6810" CreationDate="2017-11-16T03:04:51.977" Score="18" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a way I can talk to them so I can continue going down this street&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few points to make here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They cant stop you going down the street, only make it painful to do so&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are not doing anything wrong&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even though you are doing nothing wrong, it seems all they want is for you to take a little extra care and this means it will be quite easy to reassure them and solve the conflict.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking should not even be necessary. I would simply slow down to well &lt;strong&gt;below&lt;/strong&gt; the speed limit when passing through their area. Especially if you can spot the parents or kids on the street. You can make it blatantly obvious that you are being extra careful when driving past without even speaking to them but if you wish to really make sure they get the point you could exaggerate how slow you are going and smile and nod/wave at them as you pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will make them feel good and as though they have upheld their duty to their children in making the neighbourhood bubblewrap safe and also should make your interactions with them pleasant rather than the shocking rudeness you have experienced before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't notice your efforts and still call you over to complain about speed I would keep it simple and apologise saying that you will go slower from now on. Thats all they want from you and will happily leave you be once they feel that you understand. Putting up a fight (even though you are correct) will not lead anywhere, especially considering your goal is simply to pass through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T03:50:58.357" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T03:50:58.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6812" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-16T04:59:50.290" Score="15" ViewCount="2208" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I try to get on an elevator, sometimes a woman is already waiting for the elevator. There is no other person around there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, after the woman recognizes I'm also going to get on, she suddenly walks away and starts to wait for the next one. It is clear that she misses it not because she recalls something to do but because she is definitely avoiding me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that women feel frightened to get on the same elevator with a male stranger alone. I also understand that it is not uncommon that these women have encountered one or more bad experiences in the past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I'm not sure what, as a male, to do if a woman is already waiting for the elevator before I reach it. Specifically,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How should I reach the elevator? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Should I speak to or greet the woman or just keeps silent? I feel in both cases women get fearful...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the woman starts to walk away, is there anything I should do or just let her stay away? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the woman gets on the same elevator, how can I relieve her of the fear? (at least I know I should push the button first to let her know at which floor I'm going to get off...)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;And is there anything I should specifically take care of in these cases?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although an extremely courteous man might see the woman off alone and then wait for another elevator, all unnoticed by the woman, I feel that is too much to do as a stranger. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the location of the case where a woman walks away is relevant, this only happened in Japan. The situation was everywhere; in one case, it was an apartment (the entrance is locked and only residents can enter); in another case, it was inside a normal building; in another case, it was an elevator in a metro and in this case there was one more person (elderly man) but nonetheless the schoolgirl walked away when she recognized me, although she was going to get on the same elevator with the elderly...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And for those who don't know, Japan, especially Tokyo, has no such small talk culture as you see in North America, and if a stranger talks to someone, it is usually deemed a pervert.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorDisplayName="user4788" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T06:31:02.250" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T16:49:24.690" Title="What to do if I find a woman already waiting for an elevator?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;japan&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6813" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6812" CreationDate="2017-11-16T05:19:19.230" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speaking in the context of Japan as it is the only place it has happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say just get on the elevator and go where you were headed without worrying about it. It is something she is used to, and has likely been doing most of her life, so she likely thinks nothing of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel bad and want her to get on first since she was there first, there is nothing wrong with saying お先にどうぞ osaki ni douzo (feel free to go first) and walking away from the elevator to let her know you won't get on with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feigning disinterest in the elevator is also an option, but it may cause additional trouble for her, so I would avoid it unless you really have something to do, like go to your post box if it is your mansion/apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T05:19:19.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6814" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6854" CreationDate="2017-11-16T07:11:52.600" Score="86" ViewCount="20762" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yesterday in vocational school I (mostly inadvertently) hurt someone's feelings very badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our IT class in vocational school, there is just one girl. She's pretty overweight. I don't know her well at all, essentially only from school, which is only once a week, and even then only in passing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have an injury on my left foot. It's not really visible from the outside - the bandage is under my socks and I was wearing normal shoes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She stepped on my foot. Not on purpose, but it hurt like hell (you can imagine, with an injury on that foot).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So of course I reacted by doubling over in pain. She asked why I was making such a big deal (in hindsight I realize this may have very well looked like I exaggerated it for comedic effect, even though I didn't. I'm not in the habit of announcing my medical problems to my entire class). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my anger I said something to the effect of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you would weigh like 50kgs less, this wouldn't have been such a big deal&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this was an unacceptable thing to say, and I immediately saw what a grave mistake that was. The rest of the (all male) IT class erupted in laughter, while she sobbed for the rest of the lesson on her seat. When the class was dismissed, she left very quickly without looking at anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking to make amends. I didn't want to hurt her feelings badly for what was probably a mistake and not intentional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I go about doing this? I have a feeling she's probably unwilling to talk to me at all at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T10:14:25.243" LastActivityDate="2020-12-07T04:05:26.503" Title="Apologizing when you've hurt a stranger's feelings badly" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6814" CreationDate="2017-11-16T07:23:03.837" Score="105" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you want to apologize, it's very simple. You can go ahead and start a conversation, not loud, and say like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I apologize for what I said. I already have an injured leg and when you stepped on my foot, it hurt a lot. So, I really didn't mean what I said at that time in pain. I hope you understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple apology won't hurt and it can set things right. When you apologize, keep it short and simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might be unwilling to talk to you, but you don't know that. So, try it once. Also, make sure to not apologize in public or loudly. This might embarrass her and apologizing might not work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been in pretty much the same situation as yours. Once I had my leg hurt and walked with a limp. I got on a bus and then stood in a corner to avoid the crowd. But a few minutes later, a girl stepped on my foot that increased the pain. So I yelled at her. I got off the bus but I realized that I shouldn't have insulted her as it was not really her mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next day, I saw her again on the same bus, I thought to apolozige but was hesitating. However, I thought I'd not get another chance again. So I just went and said the same words. She accepted the apology and also apologized by saying that she didn't realize that my leg is hurting until she saw me walking with a limp.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6814/apologizing-when-youve-hurt-a-strangers-feelings-badly/6815#comment26427_6815&quot;&gt;the comment&lt;/a&gt; by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/1959/david-k&quot;&gt;David K&lt;/a&gt;, she may or may not accept the apology. So, if she accepts apology, then it's all good, but if she doesn't, then don't bother her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6814/apologizing-when-youve-hurt-a-strangers-feelings-badly/6815#comment26525_6815&quot;&gt;the comment&lt;/a&gt; by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/1685/kevin&quot;&gt;Kevin&lt;/a&gt;, you can also add this instead of &amp;quot;I hope you understand&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was a terrible thing to say and I'm sorry that I said it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2020-12-07T04:05:26.503" LastActivityDate="2020-12-07T04:05:26.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6814" CreationDate="2017-11-16T07:32:10.507" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like AJ I would also recommend making this no more complicated than it is and apologise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do think you didn't just hurt her feelings through what you said, but also the fact that the rest of the class clearly heard what you have said (and found it hilarious).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to making an apology, clearly stating that you said what you said in the heat of the moment. I would suggest you propose that you can help her in class if she ever needs the help and actually ask her if she needs anything in class next time (if she accepts the apology). This also shows, implicitly, to your classmates that what you said was wrong. If you don't think she needs the help, it might be better to ask if you can ask for her help as you admire her skills in class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to skip the entire helping each other out part. You can make contact during class, just make some small talk (how was your weekend?). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apologising in public will probably embarrass her more, so I wouldn't recommend that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3585" LastEditorUserId="3585" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T06:33:11.537" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T06:33:11.537" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6817" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6818" CreationDate="2017-11-16T07:57:52.300" Score="50" ViewCount="10303" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Story&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a participant in several arts and crafts groups on Facebook. Some of them have a 'be nice' rule stated in their group rules. This rule often states that when people post their craft asking 'what do you think', you're only allowed to say 'looks good!' or not react at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last week, I joined a new international group. I don't know where the moderator there is from, their profile is very protected, but there are members from all over the world. After about 2 days there, I saw a post that went something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you think of X? It's supposed to be a gift, but I'm unsure about its quality. I'm unsure about the colors I picked (I'm always no good at that!) and the fact that I used so many different kinds of yarn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, the doubts expressed in this post were genuine. Although I was new to the group, I had been practicing the craft for a while and had been picking color schemes and yarns for my own crafts for even longer. I thought the thing looked sort of messy and some of the colors were obviously clashing. &lt;strong&gt;So, I checked the group rules to see what their rules on feedback were&lt;/strong&gt;. There wasn't anything that explicitly told me that I could only comment if I could say 'Looks good'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Give-a-Feedback-Sandwich&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;sandwiched my feedback&lt;/a&gt;, complimented the maker on their technique and expressed an interest in learning some tricks from them. I then gave some advice on how to pick colors, and on what to keep in mind when picking different kinds of yarn. I ended with a compliment to the creativeness of the craft.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was well received by the maker, we continued our chat via private messenger and I gave her more advice on how to pick colors, provided her with references to sites that can help with such things. I told her my favorite kinds of yarn, and we exchanged some pictures of other crafts we did. She also showed me some tricks with regard to the craft we were originally discussing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The crafter and I took our leave on Facebook, and I went to bed. Only to wake up the next morning with a stern message from a group admin saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I removed your post. We want people to be nice. That means you can't criticize other peoples crafts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I apologized, stated that I didn't see the rule in the group rules and thus thought it was okay to provide constructive feedback, but that I wouldn't do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reply that came to this message is still puzzling me today, because how am I going to get better at my craft and share my experience/knowledge if it is true?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We shouldn't have to put such things in a group rule. It's common sense and good manners!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't push it further, but since I don't want to make another huge faux pas in other groups, my question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Does it go against netiquette to provide constructive feedback in a Facebook group? If not, how do I explain so to the moderator and ask them to put something up in their rules so other people won't make the same mistake, without a risk of getting kicked from the group?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T08:10:37.123" Title="Does it go against netiquette to give constructive feedback on Facebook?" Tags="&lt;netiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6817" CreationDate="2017-11-16T08:12:25.303" Score="89" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Netiquette&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Netiquette is highly specific for different websites. Just as etiquette differs from county to country, so does netiquette from website to website. Facebook has a very wide userbase (also from different countries), so the netiquette is very likely to be different from group to group as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, it is hard to say whether this went against 'the netiquette', nor is it possible to say whether it is against the netiquette of that specific group. However, if the reaction of the moderator is a fair reflection of the netiquette in that group, then it could very well have been.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Your feedback&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, however, this doesn't seem to be out of line. It doesn't sound like you were simply bashing the OP, or even trying to be hurtful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, &lt;strong&gt;they specifically asked for feedback&lt;/strong&gt;, pointing to a few areas where they might be able to improve. As your private messages show, no offense was taken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If feedback is only allowed to be nice and sugarcoated, the feedback is pointless. If that is the only acceptable response, the OP isn't looking for feedback, they simply want to show off their work and be able to ignore all wrongs with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How to handle the PM from the moderator&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could explain your point that they specifically asked for feedback and that in a PM you had an amicable exchange, so no offense was given: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry that you feel this feedback was offensive. The asker specifically asked for feedback, and they even responded thankfully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's pretty much all you can do. Explain yourself and that is that. It serves little purpose to sugarcoat things, making your point more unclear. On the other hand, this shouldn't really be a reason for the moderator to start banning you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't expect their opinion to change though, not for this post, or for future posts. That way, you can't be disappointed. It's also not worth getting into an argument over this with the moderator, you are unlikely to convince them of your right, while you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; likely to rub hairs the wrong way and possibly get yourself kicked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your intention of joining the group is to have a place to improve your crafts and give &lt;em&gt;honest&lt;/em&gt; feedback, this might just not be the group for you. There are plenty of these groups out there, so there really is no reason to stick around in a place you don't like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The diversity of groups on Facebook also brings with it a diversity of etiquette. Find yourself one that matches your intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;On why it is not worth arguing&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this is something you might be emotionally invested in, all it takes for the moderator to deal with your arguments is a single press on the delete/ban button. I have seen this happen from both sides, not only on Facebook, but also in game chats and on other websites; people disagreeing with how a group is moderated and going on a crusade to convince everybody of their right. And it doesn't matter if you are right or not, 9 out of 10 times, the moderator grows tired of you and throws you out. Being emotionally invested doesn't help you beating a brick wall, it only hurts more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that is even assuming that the problem lies just with the moderator. If the entire moderation team, or even the entire community feels the same way, you are going to have an even hard time convincing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T08:33:32.010" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T08:33:32.010" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6820" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-11-16T08:38:46.673" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Netiquette is a name for the rules of &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/etiquette&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;etiquette&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;etiquette&lt;/a&gt; on the internet. Often the unwritten, but widely accepted, rules of netiquette are an important aspect of interacting on the internet. Questions here should be about using proper netiquette, and whether something is (or is not) proper netiquette. Questions can be specific to certain websites, which may or may not have their own written rules on netiquette. Reddit has the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Redittiquette&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/stack-exchange&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;stack-exchange&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;stack-exchange&lt;/a&gt; has the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/help/be-nice&quot;&gt;be-nice policy&lt;/a&gt;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T09:47:04.517" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T09:47:04.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6821" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-11-16T08:38:46.673" Score="0" Body="Netiquette is a set of rules or customs that control accepted behaviour specifically on the internet." OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T09:11:41.747" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T09:11:41.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6784" CreationDate="2017-11-16T09:20:15.727" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something similar happened to us lately. In the 1960s my next-eldest sister, who was a teenager, disappeared for a few months and came back thinner. We smaller ones did not think this was special, but later we heard the gossip that there had been a baby. No-one ever mentioned it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cut to 45 years later. All of us are married or partnered, with kids. A man contacted my cousin (he knew the place and the surname), and finally, us. After a bit of consultation, we siblings decided we were pleased and astounded. He seems to be a nice guy, with three cute kids of his own. We have adopted him as new nephew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The exception is my next-youngest sister, who declared he is a charlatan and out to get somebody's money. But that's the way she is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My oldest sister (we are many) was elected to tell my sister's two children that they had a half-brother. They first laughed their heads off - my uptight sister! - then got in touch over Facebook, where they maintain a friendly relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally the guy telephoned his first mum and they are now in touch, though she is a bit embarrassed about it all. This all happened about two years ago and it's still going fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister-his-mum divorced a long time ago. I don't know if my ex-in-law knew about this. That could have been a problem. If my sister were very wealthy people might be suspicious, but she isn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The relationship is like that of distant cousins. The new nephew belongs to the family, we just didn't meet him sooner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;edit; so, things you should think of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your first mum may or may not have given you up willingly. She may have had no choice at all, or she may have done it on her own. Be prepared to understand both of these. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will question your motives. Some may accuse you of being a charlatan or identity thief. Be prepared to counter this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everyone will be pleased to hear about you. Does your first mum have a partner or ex-partner? Are they aware that you exist? Will they be bothered? You need to talk to her first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take your time. Do not expect to be invited to stay for Christmas right away. They need to sniff around you and make sure you belong. Have patience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are the new kid on the block. Be a good addition to the family. Be kind and friendly and non-judgemental. Be someone they will be pleased to have around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastEditorUserId="1737" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T08:47:46.167" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T08:47:46.167" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6817" CreationDate="2017-11-16T09:29:26.630" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Does it go against netiquette to provide constructive feedback in a Facebook group?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That depends on the definition of &quot;netiquette&quot;. My personal brew of common sense would say &quot;constructive criticism is even &lt;strong&gt;essential&lt;/strong&gt; to a community that exists for the purpose of mutually giving tips and tricks and ways to improve&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said - My personal brew may not necessarily be shared by everyone on the internet. And quite obviously not by the admin of the group you encountered. Or sharing ways for improvement just isn't the purpose of that group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If not, how do I explain so to the moderator and ask them to put something in their rules so other people won't make the same mistake, without a risk of getting kicked from the group?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We shouldn't have to put such things in a group rule. It's common sense and good manners!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is a good indicator that &lt;strong&gt;you don't&lt;/strong&gt; (&lt;em&gt;in this case&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What this says (when I read between the lines) is: &quot;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; don't have good manners and you don't have common sense. &lt;em&gt;My&lt;/em&gt; worldview is the right one and if you dare to have a different opinion you are a rude person and deserve my wrath (and censorship).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it is worth your time and effort to argue with a person that has delusional views regarding etiquette and not the least common sense as well as (quite obviously, being that rude herself) good manners. Maybe the local perception of having power over others is a little too much for her to handle decently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find the group good for getting inspiration, consider just participating passively or exchanging actually useful criticism outside the group (e.g. via PM if possible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also second Jarko's suggestion: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Find yourself one that matches your intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Addendum:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;...so other people won't make the same mistake, without a risk of getting kicked from the group?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is very nice of you. But it is even harder to achieve. The Mod/Admin explicitly stated their stance on that matter and that adding an explicit rule won't happen. So all &lt;em&gt;you could&lt;/em&gt; do is go to the group, read all comments, answers etc and &quot;heads up&quot; the authors of possible &quot;problematic&quot; posts. Do you have the time and energy to do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5980" LastEditorUserId="5980" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T14:32:07.327" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T14:32:07.327" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6817" CreationDate="2017-11-16T09:35:56.910" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You didn't actually do anything wrong here. But that isn't the point there is it. You'll have to talk to the moderator some more, and figure out what expectations they have of the members of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for &quot;netiquette&quot; this varies wildly, but generally sandwiching criticism is really best practice - it makes people more likely to accept your criticism too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for talking to the moderator, there is really not a lot you can do. You can try, but it may well be that this community just isn't for you. In that case, you need to be prepared to walk away from it and find one that more suits your needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your follow up PM to the moderator, highlight how you intentionally tried to be nice by using the sandwich method, and how the asker directly asked for honest feedback. Provide proof that the asker wasn't hurt or felt belittled by your criticism if you have to in the form of parts of the conversation you two had.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T14:31:35.783" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T14:31:35.783" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6788" CreationDate="2017-11-16T10:14:32.743" Score="14" Body="&lt;h2&gt;The basics&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although it's fair for you to ask for alone time, the way you ask it is important too, to prevent from coming across as wanting to avoid her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Source: Am Belgian, live in Belgium with my New Zealand girlfriend. In 4 weeks, we'll be heading to Australia/NZ for 5 weeks to visit her family and see the sights.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you don't ask her to not join you (because that makes it come across as not wanting her there), and instead elaborate on where your priorities lie if she were to be present. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I haven't seen my family and friends for a long time, and I only have limited time to spend with them. I want to make the most of it, and I'm afraid that you'll feel like I'm ignoring you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I picked this phrasing for a few reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're not communicating that you've already decided that she shouldn't come; which can make her feel excluded.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're not telling her to not come, but you are addressing the fact that she won't be your main focus during that time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're including your main justification, which is pretty much unrefutable: a limited time window to see family that you haven't seen for three years.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;A bit more detail&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a basic approach that, according to me, explains the problem while avoiding making her feel shut out (both by making the decision for her, and excluding her from meeting your family).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, based on your relationship status and future plans, there are a few differences here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If the relationship lasts; will you stay in France? Has this been discussed?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me and my girlfriend talked about this, and even though we currently live in Belgium, it's likely that we will return to Australia/NZ in a couple of years.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you already agreed to stay in France, or it hasn't been discussed yet, then your girlfriend's suggestion to meet up makes a bit more sense:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She may consider it a rare opportunity to see you in your &quot;natural&quot; environment (I'm similarly interested in seeing my girlfriend in a location she's familiar with)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She may not have considered the emotional impact living abroad has had on you. She has her family closeby in France and may simply have lost track of the fact that you're there without family. If you never really complain about missing your family (because you're taking responsibility for your own decision to live abroad, or simply aren't one who easily complains), then she may not even have considered that you miss your family.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Phrasing. Phrasing. Phrasing.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do not want to &quot;deal with her&quot; while I'm there; she tends to be very attached and I don't know how much time I will have for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I am fully onboard with your justification, and the fact that asking for time with your family is more than fair, I can't see a way for this (quoted) statement to not blow up in your face. It lacks interpersonal skills and leaves much to be inferred about how you consider her a burden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't use the phrase &quot;deal with&quot;. Most commonly, you deal with &lt;strong&gt;problems&lt;/strong&gt;, and you're implying that she's a problem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't call her &quot;very attached&quot;. In the current context, it's equivalent to &quot;too attached&quot;, which is essentially berating her for how she's approaching the relationship. &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; if she does actually have overattachment issues, you can address that at another time. Don't do it during a conversation where you're telling her you don't want her near you.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stick to the facts&lt;/strong&gt;. Tell her things that are undeniably true and do not imply negative things about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You miss your family.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have a short time to be with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She might not like it if she's with you while you're mainly focusing on your family.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stick to those facts, and let her fill in the blanks. Maybe she decides that she doesn't want to feel ignored and will prefer to keep travelling instead. Maybe she really wants to see you interact with your family and is completely onboard that she's not going to be your center of attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A few things to avoid&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are tangential comments, mostly subjective. You can disagree with these, but I thought they would be relevant footnotes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't make the decision without involving her. It's presumptuous. Be inclusive of her, since you're supposed to be &lt;strong&gt;partners&lt;/strong&gt;. Instead of telling her how it's going to be, raise a problem and include her in finding a solution. If she's unsure how to solve it, you can still offer your &quot;decision&quot; as a &lt;em&gt;suggestion&lt;/em&gt;, and you will have already avoided putting an ultimatum before her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be convinced that she shouldn't really be there with you. Again, you're partners, and part of that is sharing your lives. The problem you have isn't related to her &lt;strong&gt;presence&lt;/strong&gt;, so don't solve it by making her not be present. The problem lies with where dedicate your &lt;strong&gt;attention&lt;/strong&gt; during those three weeks. So make that clear to her, and allow her to be present if she's not claiming your attention. That way, you can likely both get what you want without anyone being left out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As your partner, she should be able to recognize when something is important to you, even if that conflicts with what she wants. Working under that assumption (since you are in a relationship with her), your main focus is to get her to understand why being with your family during those three weeks is important to you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T10:14:32.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6826" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6834" CreationDate="2017-11-16T10:44:19.903" Score="27" ViewCount="6385" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a few weeks, my family and I will be moving into our new house. I would like to have &lt;a href=&quot;https://iot.stackexchange.com/questions/1060/automatically-open-a-garage-door-when-approaching-by-car&quot;&gt;good relationships with my new neighbor&lt;/a&gt;, but I can't figure what is commonly accepted today for such introductions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I go door by door to introduce myself? And say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, nice to meet you. I am your new neighbor, living the house up there! &lt;em&gt;insert small talk here&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels to me it may disturb people while they are quietly at home. But, moving in without introducing us does not look like an option, if I want to stick to the values with which I was raised. Saying &quot;Hi!&quot; over the fence is an option, but it may takes weeks before I got a chance, if our schedules aren't synchronized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to be a good neighbor and people around knowing they can count on me if they have some service to ask, but I have no idea of how to do that without being intrusive. I currently live in an apartment and never faced this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in France, but answers from other countries may be useful (and satisfy my curiosity)!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8994" LastEditorUserId="8994" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T16:38:32.673" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T16:38:32.673" Title="How to introduce myself and my family to a new neighborhood?" Tags="&lt;france&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6827" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-16T10:52:27.270" Score="31" ViewCount="12691" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my friends I know from college is getting married next year. As tradition dictates, a bachelor party is being organised and I have been invited as well. Two people are in charge of planning the activities for the evening and among other things, us going to a strip club is being discussed. Although strip clubs are socially accepted for the most part, I can imagine you don't like the idea of your partner spending an evening with scantily clad people of the opposite sex.&#xA;Even if your relationship is healthy and unfaithfulness was never an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can imagine informing her just to make sure no concerns are raised. I can also imagine we should trust in each other on pure principle. You might say &quot;yes of course, trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship&quot; and I agree. But my objective here is to not hurt any feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is this. &lt;strong&gt;Is it common to tell my girlfriend in advance that we might go to a strip club? If so, why (or why not)? How do I inform her then?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some points on my situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have absolutely no intention of being unfaithful to my girlfriend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have never been to such an establishment so I have no idea of how it works and what to expect&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The goal is to have a good time with friends and not to ogle at strippers (JustCarty and user2851843 mentioned this and I agree so I included this point)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There seems to be a bit of confusion about my intentions. I'm not trying to actively hide this from my girlfriend. I'm wondering if such matters should be specifically discussed with one's partner because, in a good relationship, you can trust each other not to engage in cheating and/or unfaithful behaviour&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6607" LastEditorUserId="2324" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T04:16:38.083" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T04:16:38.083" Title="Going to a strip club for a friend's bachelor party. Is it common practice to inform my girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-17T03:42:19.513" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6826" CreationDate="2017-11-16T10:53:06.393" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here in Germany your example would exactly be the expected way to introduce yourself at least in smaller cities and communities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a big town nobody might care and people might even be disturbed, but usually you are expected to introduce yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would even extend that to &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, WE are your new neighbors&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and bring your family with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not the only family to move there at a specific time (when I moved last there were 10 new houses built, so 10 new families) you could plan a little barbecue and invite everybody in the street with a little flier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might be a little bit &quot;over the top&quot; if you are the only one to move there at a specific time, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3392" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T09:49:15.177" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T09:49:15.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6829" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T11:38:16.290" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I speak from my own experience; naturally, I cannot tell you what you should do but what I think would be the best approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Is it common to tell my girlfriend we might go to a strip club in advance? If so, why (or why not)?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: &lt;strong&gt;yes&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure how long you two have been together or how strong the relationship is. Having read your question it appears that you two are in a strong relationship and I see no problem with you telling her in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will, understandably, be unhappy that your night might result in going to such establishment but it is clear that you have no intentions of doing anything untoward; something I am sure she would realise when you tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How do I inform her then?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply tell her that you are going to this Bachelor Party and that the night might take you to a strip club.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;They are not &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/222550.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;ladies of the night&lt;/a&gt;, and there is still a bar you can prop yourself against and treat it as the social event that it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ergo, I'd propose you say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am going on a Bachelor Party for _____'s wedding. We are going to go to a few of the pubs and clubs around _____, but some of the lads might take us to a strip club. It's not something I'm particularly up for so I'll just stay at the bar until we move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I have never been to such an establishment so I have no idea of how it works and what to expect&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine a bar with lots of scantily clad women telling you that you are the most handsome person they have ever seen.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Every 5 minutes another woman will come over asking if you'd like to go to a room for a lap dance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, above is only from my experience. I have been twice.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The first is a slightly funny story&lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The second was in a similar situation to yourself. I had absolutely no intent on going for such dances as I was in a relationship and did not want this to jeopardise that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I have absolutely no intention of being unfaithful to my girlfriend&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the next morning, I did tell my girlfriend. I assured her I had done nothing aside from stand at the bar ignoring everyone and drinking alcohol - as is custom ;).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;For me, it felt wrong to partake in any of these dances as it felt as though I was cheating. I understand that there are no mutual feelings, but it still felt wrong to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The relationship between myself and my girlfriend is very strong. I have known her for 3 years and been together 2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I went on a Stag Do (the same principle as a Bachelor Party) I did not tell my girlfriend &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt;. The reason being that I was unsure if we would end up in such an establishment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The outcome of me telling her is probably quite obvious. &lt;em&gt;She was not very impressed.&lt;/em&gt; I imagine she had doubts about my truths. Eventually, she stopped being mad at me, but I am simply telling you this as I am unfamiliar with your relationship and how forgiving your girlfriend may be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt; A surreal experience.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The first time I went to a strip club was with a few friends. I had not long known my, as is now, girlfriend. Then we were simply friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the time I was single; I had one lap dance. During which the girl giving me the dance noticed my poker face. She asked if I was enjoying it and I felt awkward and she could see that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She asked if I had a girlfriend and various other (very) personal questions about my (sex) life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She then started an advice session with me telling me that I needed to pluck up the courage to ask out the girl that I liked. It was all very surreal, but the stripper will now be glad to know I am with the said girl. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8995" LastEditorUserId="8995" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T17:05:00.547" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T17:05:00.547" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T11:52:53.543" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;We cannot make a decision for you. So, considering that truth might come out at some point and the fact that you clearly don't want to be untruthful with your girlfriend I'd say you'd like us to provide the best approach to talk to your girlfriend. Please, do correct me if I'm wrong here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be truthful and natural&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, there's a big chance that your girlfriend won't like it anyway, and that's quite understandable. I suggest speaking clearly about your expectation and what do you feel about:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There's one important thing I'd like to say. We're going to bachelor's party and there'll be a strip club, probably. Never been there, but I suspect that you won't appreciate me being surrounded by naked ladies, you know, that's why I'm saying this. What do you think about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then see the response, especially the general mood. If your girl remains calm about it, you may throw in some facts about it (here's from my personal experience):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The nakedness level is somewhere 7/10; btw 6/10 is an average Game of&#xA;Thrones episode and 8/10 is Witcher 3 cutscenes; 10/10 is porn,&#xA;though. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The most intimate thing there is so-called &quot;private&quot; or lap dance. You're&#xA;not going to use this service.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can actually get many laughs with your friends there - by&#xA;asking strippers silly questions,    for example, or (SIC!) meeting&#xA;your ex-classmate... as a stripper!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the thing is, you are going there not because you want to stare at women's chests. You want to have a quality time with your friends, that's what matters. And you'll probably miss it if you don't go there. Please make this point clear to your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for your information, women are allowed into most of the strip clubs if accompanied by a man. She can actually try it out, huh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. My friend prepared my wedding party and there was strip club as a part of the show. I didn't know it until it was too late. The strip with the private dance. Now I hate this guy and I'm going to schedule an erotic massage for him when it's his wedding time! The bittersweet revenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm this geeky kind of person actually, so a strip club is clearly not my place to spend time in, but it was still a useful experience, I think. I told my girl about this as soon as I returned and explained in detail what happened there. She didn't particularly like it, but there were no hard feelings at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7715" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T14:28:13.080" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T14:28:13.080" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6831" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6869" CreationDate="2017-11-16T11:56:14.537" Score="9" ViewCount="1842" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes while walking past people, or because you thought you heard them say something (but they didn't), you look at people for a second. Sometimes your eye wanders when you're lost in thought. And some of those times they happen to look at you too, at the same moment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's an inadvertent, short eye contact. I usually instinctively look away, but that somehow feels weird. As though I'm deliberately avoiding eye contact, or like I was just caught staring. But I don't see the point of maintaining eye contact in these situations either. Explaining myself seems to be unwarranted. What would be the right/normal thing to do here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have problems maintaining eye contact otherwise, like at a meeting, or in a conversation with people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I did see &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1633/when-should-i-make-eye-contact-with-someone-i-intend-to-walk-past&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt;, but don't consider mine a duplicate of it. OP of that post knows exactly what to do on eye contact, but needs help with when (or whether) to make eye contact. I, on the other hand, have no choice in the matter. I'm talking about an accidental eye contact, and I have no clue about what to when it does happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4711" LastEditorUserId="4711" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T04:57:23.477" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T04:57:23.477" Title="What should I do with a short, unintentional eye contact?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-02-19T16:23:08.443" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6832" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6831" CreationDate="2017-11-16T12:10:06.910" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;My culture, Germany, is known for staring (at least in anglo-saxon circles), but smiling would seem strange. People usually look each other in the eye while maintaining a neutral expression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My proposed solution would be not to look away quickly, that would make it seem like you stared. Instead, defocus and continue watching, as if the person you are looking at is just part of your surroundings. You can then slowly look at something else. Act as if you had glanced at a car, or a nice house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8873" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T12:10:06.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T12:34:48.883" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, an exercise that I like to do is to walk in the others shoes.&#xA;If she would go to such place, how would you like to be her approach?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you prefer something like &quot;hey boyfriend I went to a strip club&#xA;with some friends but I didn't do anything ok?&quot; or before she actually goes&#xA;she come to you and say &quot;hey boyfriend my friend is getting married and&#xA;she's throwing a party and we might go to a strip club but by no means should&#xA;you expect me to do anything wrong&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So about your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it common to tell my girlfriend we might go to a strip club in advance? &#xA;If so, why (or why not)?&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I think that in a healthy relationship it is common to tell everything to each other, even if it won't please your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I inform her then?&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Well, in a way or another do not expect her to accept this so easily, so&#xA;when you inform her, if you are going to, make sure to explain every&#xA;little detail, when it is going to be, where, who are you going with,&#xA;how long will it last, tell her EVERYTHING. It will help put her at some ease, I can tell you from experience.&#xA;And after you tell her, avoid bringing up the matter before it gets really close to the&#xA;day, it keeps unnecessarily hard feelings away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7886" LastEditorDisplayName="user2848" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T16:50:19.147" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T16:50:19.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6826" CreationDate="2017-11-16T12:47:31.813" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;Anecdotal but probably relevant:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we moved to our neighbourhood (Germany, rural area, medium size community) we threw a &quot;Garage Party&quot; and invited the closest neighbours. That is the ones you'll likely be running into and say &quot;hi&quot;. (Ended up to be around 20 people)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We wrote invitation cards and simply dropped them in their mailboxes two weeks prior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was nothing special, just a little get together with Glühwein and Bratwurst (Germany in Wintertime , haha).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; well received (to our surprise, honestly). But of course that will depend on your neighbours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We for that matter have been told what a great idea it was. And it is being talked of even ~3 years later now. Most of them left their phone numbers &quot;just in case&quot;. And that Russian neighbor said literally in broken German &quot;If you have trouble, you ring my doorbell!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can only recommend it. You may not &quot;make new friends&quot; on the spot. But that &quot;who are the new guys&quot;-awkwardness is simply gone for the cost of some sausages and a few bottles of wine ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a bigger town this may not work so well perhaps, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S.: Since that was close to christmas we also served self made christmas cookies. Elderly ladies &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; appreciate &quot;self made&quot; stuff ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5980" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T09:47:59.127" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T09:47:59.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T12:52:42.257" Score="17" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it common to tell my girlfriend we might go to a strip club in advance? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most relationships, it's common to share what you're going to be doing. Not because either side doesn't trust the other, but because each side is &lt;em&gt;interested&lt;/em&gt; in what the other does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean; you'd probably tell her that you were going to X's bachelor party, right? And if you went bowling, you would freely share that as well, right? Because your partner would like to hear that you have fun things planned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only things you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; share openly in a relationship are things you don't want the other to know. And in such a case, you have to ask yourself: will they be happy when they find out you didn't tell them something? (If it's a surprise party, they will, and not telling them is fine.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in this case, you don't want her to know what you're doing because you are afraid it is going to hurt her feelings. That's the wrong reason for not sharing things. The fact that you think it'll bother her is a &lt;em&gt;extra&lt;/em&gt; reason to bring it up in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, keep in mind that if the goal is minimal feelings hurt, her finding out afterwards that you went (which she likely will, unless you &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; your friends all take a vow of secrecy, which will be highly suspicious anyway) will hurt her feelings far more than talking about it in advance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It signals that you don't trust her enough to bring these things up and that you care more about going to the club than you do about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I inform her then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same way you inform her of other things. (I don't know how that is). But just bring it up as part of the normal way you talk about your day and your plans for later. And then ask how she feels about that, and take it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Remember the bachelor party? The guys mentioned going to play some paintball and then visiting a strip club. I've never been to one. What do you think about something like that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can also imagine we should trust in each other on pure principle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust goes both ways. She needs to trust that you won't misbehave in the club. You need to trust that she trusts you enough to let you go, &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; that she'll let you know if she has a problem with this. You &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; need to trust that your relationship can handle this talk and the resulting conclusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T14:25:57.077" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T14:25:57.077" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6817" CreationDate="2017-11-16T13:58:55.557" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;There was no violation of any netiquette.  Input was asked, politely given, and a third party stepped in to cause conflict when there was none.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anything, netiquette was violated by the mod, but as the saying goes &quot;Their sandbox, their rules&quot;.  The follow up by the mod tells you everything you need to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We shouldn't have to put such things in a group rule. Its common sense and good manners!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such a rude and hostile reply demanding good manners while showing deplorable ones demonstrates considerably irony as well as the mod having an axe to grind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you did was apologize and explain your confusion.  The mod jumped all over you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you continue to behave as you did in this instance, you shouldn't have any problems, but just be aware that there are some people out there who are unreasonable, and in that case, you just apologize, move on, and don't engage them if they obviously want to get into a fight with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T13:58:55.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T14:41:12.487" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most people would prefer you are up front and tell them about it, rather than trying to hide it and discovering it later. There is a tendency to want to avoid conflict by hiding it and hoping she never finds out, but that runs the risk of it being much worse when she does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just one of those times when she will have to trust you. If she doesn't, there isn't much you can do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3188" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T14:41:12.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6842" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T15:08:21.100" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also root for honesty. Usually someone will eventually tell their girlfriend -&#xA; and you know, girls talk too. (Also it is the the kind of honesty I would expect from my partner, so I should also give it to them)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really should not be such a big deal though. There is a big difference in how you say it: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Oh and perhaps we´ll be going to a strip-club. I have never been to one, have you? I don´t really care for it, but may be interesting to see that part of life as well. I´ll tell you all about it afterwards.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or saying: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Oh baby, I am so sorry, pleas don´t be mad but we probably have to go to the strip club. I don´t want to, but I my friends are making me got. I won´t look though, I promise!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make a big deal out of it, and you are guaranteed it will be one. If it isn´t for you, maybe it won´t be for your partner too. (Or they may surprise you with some stories of their own experiences)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you still risk the chance there may be jealousy, and you can´t help it. The only thing that helps against this is honesty and time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;BTW: The girlfriend of a friend of mine was a little bit mad, when she found out after his bachelors party. He just took her to the same club to see for herself - she saw it was not a big deal, actually and they got married and still are. Sometimes the mind makes things bigger then they are!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T15:08:21.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6844" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-16T13:40:17.407" Score="45" ViewCount="9639" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a 15 month old step grandson who is adorable. He and his parents (my stepson) live about an hour away so it's not too far to do some babysitting. We have watched him for weekends, and of course I'm the person who does most of the babysitting, although my husband does help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's my dilemma right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom just passed away a few weeks ago. My mom was my best friend and I miss her more than I can even express. It's the most gut wrenching pain I've ever experienced, and I need time to work through this pain. I'm not emotionally ready to resume babysitting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My stepson hinted that our 15 month grandson &quot;wants to stay over&quot;. So my husband tells me his son and our grandson are coming down for a few hours today. That's fine for a visit it's only a few hours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, I have to babysit because my husband and his son are outside working on their car. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said, &quot;he's not staying over night, right?&quot; and my husband got angry. I know they are going ask to stay over. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make them understand I need some alone time without coming off like I'm rude or inconsiderate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="Laurie smith" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T09:54:11.087" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T02:17:52.717" Title="How do I tell my stepson and his wife that I don't want to babysit their son overnight right now, after losing my mother, without coming off badly?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;grandparents&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T15:49:25.153" Score="3" Body="&lt;h1&gt;First, visit a strip club with GF and learn about it. Then discuss openly.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither you nor your girlfriend has been to a strip club, right? And strip clubs are not inherently dangerous things to try, as opposed to heroin. So I suggest you tell GF about the bachelor party, tell her you've never been to a strip club but might go to one during the bachelor party. Then, ask if she is interested in going to explore one. There is a good chance that both of you are curious what this venue is like, and that it might be a fun evening for the two of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you both will be disgusted by it? Maybe you will enjoy and she won't? Maybe she'll like it and you won't? There is no way to know if you don't try it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But why, you ask, would it be preferable to go the first time with GF instead of with your friends? The answer is simple; strip clubs are inherently sexual experiences, and sexual experiences  &lt;em&gt;of any type&lt;/em&gt; shared with a partner  can be very rewarding and help relationships &amp;amp; mutual trust grow. Exploring your own and your gf's sexuality is an important part of a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, when the bachelor party is coming, you will both know what a strip club is like, and you can discuss how it will impact your relationship. With this knowledge, and increased trust between you &amp;amp; GF, you will know whether to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Enter the club with consent of your GF&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep the club visit a secret from your GF (she might prefer this!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell your friends &amp;quot;I'll be at the pizza place next door, give me a text when you're done&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T15:54:37.013" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T15:57:27.930" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This depends so much on your gf that it is hard to say anything. I know quite a few women who actually enjoy or in the past enjoyed strip clubs themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We would need to know more about your gf to give sage advise. Some women are perfectly fine with it, some would completely freak out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, being truthful and forthcoming is important in good long-term relationships. Even if you don't intend to hide anything, not speaking about something that you know is a tricky subject will be perceived as a form of hiding. When you ask yourself if you should tell or not, in general the correct answer is that you should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T15:57:27.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6844" CreationDate="2017-11-16T16:09:11.663" Score="82" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do I say without sounding like a jerk? How can I get them to&#xA;  understand I need some alone time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing to do is be &lt;em&gt;open and honest with your son and husband&lt;/em&gt;.  Let them know your recent loss is still affecting you, and that you're not ready to deal with babysitting.  It should be as simple as that, and &lt;strong&gt;reasonable people will understand&lt;/strong&gt;.  Babysitting is fun, but it's also very taxing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say something like &quot;&lt;em&gt;My mother's death is still affecting me, and I am still in emotional pain. I not ready to do any weekend baby sitting&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.  And then leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, &lt;strong&gt;your grieving process is important&lt;/strong&gt; and it differs in terms of time for everyone. Do not rush yourself through this process - it's okay for you to take all the time you need. Once you express this to your son and husband, I am sure they will understand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T16:26:59.923" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T16:26:59.923" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6814" CreationDate="2017-11-16T16:10:14.303" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems like you realize that you likely hurt her more than she hurt you... If you haven't given that much thought it's worth thinking about before trying to apologize. Given her reaction that probably wasn't the first time someone said something cruel about her weight, and the public embarrassment of the incident coupled with being trapped in a classroom crying afterwards compounds the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not trying to make you feel worse about what you said, but if you're going to apologize for something it helps to grasp and sympathize with the way the other party is likely feeling. It's also important to keep in mind that you apologize to make the other person feel better, not to make yourself feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you're ready to apologize and you think she's ready to hear your apology, try to be as honest and sincere as you can. It may help to relate a similar situation where you've felt what she was feeling. Being bullied or publicly shamed is a pretty common experience and knowing that you've experienced it too may add some depth to your apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not going to give you a script, because you probably shouldn't practice what you're going to say. A practiced scripted apology will probably sound and be received as insincere. It's better to speak from the heart in these situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-18T06:35:04.633" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T06:35:04.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6844" CreationDate="2017-11-16T16:15:18.260" Score="53" Body="&lt;p&gt;Saying &quot;no&quot; doesn't automatically make you sound bad or selfish. If you are a people pleaser, or if you have been taught that it's not &quot;nice&quot; to refuse requests, it may well make &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel that you look like a bad person, but it's not a given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you haven't articulated your need for time alone and why, then do so right now. It should not be hard for any reasonable person to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was more affected by my mother's death than I could ever have imagined. I am emotionally stretched very thin, and I need time alone to grieve. I would prefer not to babysit until I'm feeling better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing in that statement that sounds &quot;bad.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have articulated your need for some alone time, and this need isn't being respected, please read on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boundaries will make your life so much more habitable. Boundaries exist everywhere in the form of laws. You're not allowed to go into a stranger's house and leave with their TV. You're not allowed to leave the scene of an accident where someone has been injured. Laws are there for our protection, so that we can coexist safely and respectfully. There are consequences to breaking these legal boundaries. Personal boundaries function in much the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;People often say they set a boundary, but it didn’t help. There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it’s done in anger or by nagging, you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They’re more effective when you’re assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate consequences to encourage compliance. It’s essential, however, that you never threaten a consequence you’re not fully prepared to carry out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Read about boundaries until you are sure you can not only set them but can explain why they are important. Your husband (and maybe your stepson) will push back. You need to remain calm and reiterate your boundary and why you're imposing one. Set a consequence and state it. Then walk the walk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation should take place with your husband and your stepson separately. when you're both in a good place mentally. It can go something like this (truncated for brevity's sake):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[&quot;Husband&quot;] I love you, and I enjoy helping your son when I can. But right now, I am feeling emotionally drained, and can't babysit. I need you to know that I'm hurt when you don't respect my expressed need be by myself. I can't babysit right now, and won't. If you need to say yes to a request to babysit, do so, but please know that I will not come out of my room. If you get angry, I will leave the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then walk the walk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will be push back, but if you're serious about being taken seriously, you need to assert yourself. You just have to believe you deserve certain privileges and be able to articulate them to people who are accustomed to treating you as if you don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, read more about boundaries. They will help you understand more about some causes of conflict in relationships and how to minimize what you can in healthy ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.therapyinphiladelphia.com/tips/what-are-boundaries&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;What Are Boundaries&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.therapyinphiladelphia.com/tips/having-a-conversation-to-assert-your-boundaries&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&#xA;Having a conversation to assert your boundaries&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T16:26:26.877" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T16:26:26.877" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6852" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6826" CreationDate="2017-11-16T16:34:34.930" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a good plan is to have some sort of 'open house'. Something informal like drinks and nibbles or maybe a BBQ, for France cheese, wine and charcuterie would seem appropriate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have it as an open invitation over an afternoon or early evening it gives people the opportunity to pop in without committing themselves to a whole evening. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Equally something informal keeps the catering simple so you are free to actually talk to people rather than running around organising things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may also be a good idea to invite some of your existing friends and family as they are more likely to hang around for the duration and create a better atmosphere, as long as you are active in introducing people to each other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also means you can print a load of invitations and go round knocking on doors. This means people can keep any conversation short if its not a good time and you can just push them through the letter box if they're not in. I also think that having an actual invitation card encourages people to actually turn up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7161" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T09:50:48.213" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T09:50:48.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6814" CreationDate="2017-11-16T16:39:15.120" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You should apologize in a way that is just as public as the insult was, because it went beyond just you and her.&lt;/em&gt; [I am in the USA, but I believe these suggestions would work for you.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with your assessment that your insult was &lt;em&gt;mostly&lt;/em&gt; inadvertent. Unfortunately, this implies that part of your attitude was confrontational. Please don’t get me wrong, I have done something similar to this (or perhaps worse). But I have been straight enough with myself to take this as a learning experience to be a better person. Also as a side note, I felt compelled to publically apologize. I tried to do all that is possible to reduce the extent of the injury to this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your apology should not include just yourself. Your insult was public in the sense that the events unfolded in a way that made everyone in the room notice – and participate in.  Unfortunately, you had a role in inducing these boys to collectively insult this woman in manner that made your initial injury exponentially worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggestions that may work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask the teacher (beforehand) to have a minute of his time to make an announcement in class. Hopefully, they will allow this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In your short announcement, start with “the bottom line up front”. You want to take this opportunity to make an apology. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Answer her question: you are nursing a foot injury that was not apparent.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your response was wrong and inappropriate, and you wish to &lt;em&gt;apologize for your statement&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You induced others to react in a manner that was also inappropriate. &lt;em&gt;Apologize to her on behalf of the entire class&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The only person who acted appropriately was her – the injured party. &lt;em&gt;And she should be applauded for that&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you deem it appropriate, publically give her a symbolic gift (whose monetary value is not the point so it should not be expensive on purpose). The goal here is to get her to smile at least for a second. It may allow her to remember that when she recalls this incident. What came to mind for me immediately (as an ex-IT guy) was one of those small kits that come in a zippered case containing standard screw drivers, tweezers, fasteners and such that are useful when working on computers.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;At the end of class&lt;/em&gt;, shake her hand, &lt;em&gt;one professional to another&lt;/em&gt;, to let her know that you respect her place in the classroom and in the profession.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an additional benefit, this train of thought and actions on my part also allowed me the opportunity to also recall that they smiled after all this. I am almost positive the handshake I got in return was sincere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="33" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T16:39:15.120" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6814" CreationDate="2017-11-16T16:40:56.113" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm late to this question, but I'd like to take a stab at it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you said and did was so painful that I don't think a simple apology and explanation will &quot;make amends&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an apology freak, if you want to label it. I think that when you've done real harm, apologies, a request for forgiveness, a promise that you'll try to mend your errant ways, and an offer of restitution should be made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you injured her dog by accident, would a simple apology and excuse (&quot;I was talking on my cellphone and didn't see him&quot;) do it? Maybe. But an offer to pay the vet bills would be better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may not want to talk to you for a while, so I would send her some really nice flowers (not roses) and a long letter of sincere apology. She deserves it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain that you had an injury on that foot already. Explain that you know this came off in front of the whole class as fat-shaming, and that you're horrified that you stooped to that in your pain. Tell her you know that an apology and some flowers can't make up for what you did, and end the letter by saying that you want to make amends, then &lt;em&gt;ask her what you would need to do to make amends.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's the one you humiliated in front of the class; she's the one who can tell you how to really make amends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if it's not an anatomically impossible task, do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="5412" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T03:05:21.937" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T03:05:21.937" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6812" CreationDate="2017-11-16T16:49:24.690" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;雰囲気読めない人 Already gave an excellent answer, but I would just like to say in general if someone is frightened of you and is walking away, the best you can do is go about your business and not engage that person in any way, no matter how well intentioned any attempt to &quot;defuse&quot; the situation is probably going to make the other person a lot more uneasy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look at it from their side: say you walk down the street and see bear (happens where I live sometimes), so you start to back away or such, what would you rather that bear do? Continue doing its thing OR run up to you playfully to show how unthreatening it really is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T16:49:24.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6817" CreationDate="2017-11-16T17:20:34.973" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This was well received by the maker, we continued our chat via private messenger and I gave her more advice (...) She also showed me some tricks (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your feedback seems to have been well received and led to an interesting discussion in which you and her learned something new. Perhaps you even made a friend. Very good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, there are several kinds of communities like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The community you (and her) thought you were in, where people ask for feedback in order to improve. Said feedback will sometimes be negative (the sandwich method works wonders). In fact, suggestions for improvement are the most useful kind of feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The level of negativity will of course depend on the community. For example I frequent a French electronics forum where the occasional clueless newbie comes in asking about how to build a high power railgun or how to play with lithium polymer batteries. Since this will most likely result in electrocution or fire, the answers aren't usually very &quot;nice&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the opposite side of the spectrum, I know a few people who are fanfiction authors, and when they get any kind of feedback sandwich, they're usually very flattered that someone was interested enough in their work to take the time to think about ways to improve it. In fact they often even beg for feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The other kind of community is the &quot;participation trophy&quot; one. In this case, people only come in to get a pat on the back and an ego boost, not to improve in their craft. I suspect you wouldn't be interested in this kind of community...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The pet community which exists only as a means for the owner to socialize, exert authority, boost their ego, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I removed your post. We want people to be nice. That means you can't criticize other peoples crafts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, your mistake was simply that you both thought you were in the first kind of community, whereas the moderator thought you were either in the second or third, or both at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, being &quot;nice&quot; means helping others, even if it means some tough love. In her opinion, being &quot;nice&quot; means keeping everything proper and tidy with a complete absence of any conflict whatsoever. Please picture a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ministry_of_Magic#Dolores_Umbridge&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dolores Umbridge&lt;/a&gt; type character meticulously ironing out the kinks in her tablecloth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The reply that came to this message is still puzzling me today (...)&#xA;  &quot;We shouldn't have to put such things in a group rule. It's common sense and good manners!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, &quot;We shouldn't have to put such things in a group rule. It's common sense and good manners!&quot; -- this fits the character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, nebulous or imprecise rules allow a more liberal interpretation, which increases the moderator's power. You can't appeal to a vague rule. Also consider her stern tone and unwillingness to discuss matters with you. She sounds like she's correcting a misbehaving child. I understand your annoyance...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Does it go against netiquette to provide constructive feedback in a Facebook group?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If not, how do I explain so to the moderator and ask them to put something up in their rules so other people won't make the same mistake, without a risk of getting kicked from the group?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If my characterization is accurate, you won't be able to. But you can always emphasize that helping people improve can't be done without pointing out what needs improvement, which means that constructive criticism is unavoidable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2017-11-18T16:04:51.663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T16:04:51.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T17:30:03.273" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Open and honest communication is absolutely vital to any positive relationship. Common practice shouldn't be your concern, because many common practices are unhealthy. Try to foster a pattern of communication regardless of your perception of what other people do. After all, you want the best relationship you can have, not just the kind of relationship other people have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, try to avoid the &quot;Don't you trust me?&quot; habit. A good relationship is one where you do your best to make it easy for your partner to trust you, rather than just testing their trust and expecting and demanding it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8321" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T17:30:03.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T17:31:42.887" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are not going to take advantage of the girls on the strip club, they won't bother you. Otherwise normaly, all interegation from a stripper cost you money, like when you buy stuff from their bar.. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You shouldn worry, and neither should your girlfriend. I have a girlfriend, and when me and my friend is out doing dumb shit like, once a year, we go to a stripclub just for fun. Just relax and enjoy your time with your friends. &#xA;Only tell your girlfriend, if you know she would feel weird about you going to a stripclub. If you are unsure about how she would feel about it, talk to her about it and tell her what you wrote here. What is the worst that could happen really?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cheers! And let us know if you had a great &quot;first&quot; time at the stripclub ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9014" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T17:31:42.887" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T17:45:34.397" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hate to say it, but it looks like an awful lot of people are working from the assumption that the girlfriend will be upset or insecure about the whole thing... This isn't necessarily the case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My experience with strip clubs has very often shown me the opposite. The times I've been to strip clubs with women, they tended to enjoy the experience more than I did. They tipped more, laughed more, and seemed to be generally more positive about the prospect of going again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only times I've seen women have a strong negative reaction to the idea of strip clubs were from women who've never been. It's probably worth mentioning that I've been to these clubs with hardline feminists and I've dated a woman who used to dance and dated another woman who tended bar at a strip club for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While strip clubs may seem taboo, they're really rather tame places. Etiquette is pretty much always strictly enforced by rather large, bad tempered guys who aren't shy about throwing someone out, and/or throwing them a beating if they step out of line. You couldn't cheat on your girlfriend at a strip club, even if you wanted to, and trying will prove bad for your health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm trying to say here is, like many &quot;taboos&quot;, the attached stigma and fears are largely, if not entirely, in the imagination of the ignorant. (&quot;Ignorant&quot; here meaning those who don't actually know.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, talk to your girlfriend. Be upfront, be honest, and be direct. There really isn't any need to be overly concerned about a strong negative reaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you encounter a strong negative reaction, talk to them about the underlying fears that caused that reaction. Are these fears realistic? What can the two of you do to mitigate these fears? And so on. I think you'll find that after some honest open communication that most, if not all, of these fears will prove a little silly after they're out in the open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T18:12:29.673" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T18:12:29.673" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6736" CreationDate="2017-11-16T18:12:04.853" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I sent ON an e-mail about yard-work this weekend (we share a yard crew) and, at the end of the e-mail, suggested, in preparation for a possible January storm, that they get on someone's &lt;em&gt;to-plow list&lt;/em&gt; (because the driveway is impassable for any but 4WD if more than a few inches falls) and said that we would get and position several bags of sand (because thaw/freeze makes it very icy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, I assumed they were going to stay for January and merely suggested how to divide the work of arranging to clear the driveway and the paths to the cars and mailboxes if a January storm hits. (All costs split 50/50.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I thank everyone who contributed to this Q, because it helped me think through what I was willing to do and what I was &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; willing to do.&lt;/strong&gt; Of course, in an emergency, I would do all I could to help, but I'm not going to become anyone's nanny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Several people suggested talking to their family, but &lt;strong&gt;they are fully mentally competent adults,&lt;/strong&gt; and interjecting myself between fully mentally competent adults and their family (even if I knew the family well) is not something I would ever do. If my suggestion about how to deal with ice does not give them pause, then so be it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A final word on &quot;not remembering what it is like&quot;: this was not meant to imply dementia, of which they have not the tiniest trace. One can remember a storm of 15 years ago as fun, but if one thinks about it seriously now, one realizes it will not be fun at all. When I think back on the great storm of 1996, what I remember most is skiing down our driveway and being irritated that the road was already plowed and hence un-skiable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer is Community Wiki and anyone can contribute, but no one gets rep points&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T18:20:29.760" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T18:20:29.760" CommentCount="0" CommunityOwnedDate="2017-11-16T18:20:29.760" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T18:16:53.747" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make no mistake: not telling your girlfriend because &quot;I can also imagine we should trust in each other on pure principal.&quot; is bullshit as an excuse &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to entrust her with the details of your evening.  The only exception would be if you had an explicit &quot;I don't want to hear about stuff that will likely bother me more than it would be worth&quot; arrangement.  But if you did, you would not post this question here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's also bullshit is &quot;The goal is to have a good time with friends and not to ogle at strippers&quot;.  Choosing a backdrop with strippers most certainly is not arbitrary: they are part of the good time with friends for this occasion.  Making them feel unappreciated or even unrespected would be grossly impolite.  Which does not mean that &quot;ogling&quot; is a great idea: everybody wants to be treated like a human rather than a piece of meat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At any rate: I would not make use of any of their services in excess of them being part of the location.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try rationalizing or downplaying this with your girlfriend: this would not have been your own choice of location, but it isn't business as usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You being able to deal with it gracefully: that's where her trust in you is required since you cannot refer to experience.  You not telling her: that's not trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9019" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T18:16:53.747" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6863" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6864" CreationDate="2017-11-16T18:23:27.360" Score="13" ViewCount="1785" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a coworker I've become very close friends with over the past year.  This friendship extends beyond just the workplace, and we are involved in each others lives outside of work.  However, we sit next to each other, which makes it difficult to avoid conflicts when they arise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the past couple of months, she and I have both had hardships in our personal lives that have affected how we communicate with each other.  Recently, we had the following interaction:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: (venting about an upsetting social interaction with a friend)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: That sucks.  All you can really do is focus on what you can control, and try not to let this person get to you as much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her (angrily): I'm just trying to vent to you. I'm not &amp;quot;letting it get to me!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I'm sorry.  You've just been talking about it a lot, so it seems like it's something that is definitely weighing on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: Well, it's not!  I guess I just &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; talk to you about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I felt upset with her response to what I had intended to be a supportive comment, I told her I wanted space to gather my feelings and thoughts alone before we addressed why our interaction had gone sour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She did not feel the same way.  I went back to my desk and began working, to which she sent me texts calling me &lt;em&gt;immature&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;uncaring&lt;/em&gt; for not wanting to resolve our miscommunication issue right then and there.  I could also see her watching me to see if I was ignoring her texts, since my phone sits on my desk. This ended up making me even &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; upset, because it felt like I was being bullied into a talk I wasn't prepared for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although this eventually got resolved and I explained to her why I did not yet want to communicate, I feel like she did not truly understand why I needed space before addressing our miscommunication and that this is likely to happen again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If / When this does happen again, what is the best way I can iterate to her that my request for space is something I have a necessity for when addressing highly emotional situations while minimizing the chance that she will take it offensively?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Edit for clarity:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am aware of why she was hurt, and how I could have better handled my end of the communication.  What I'm mostly concerned for is how I can address the need for me to excuse myself from confrontations until I have had time to calm down, think about why both parties are upset, and figure out what I'd like to do to make it right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I am forced to address a confrontation while still emotionally upset (in this case, I didn't understand yet why she was angry with me), I feel like I don't actually get to express my emotions because I haven't had time to reflect on them.  This often leaves the other party feeling as though they've &amp;quot;said their piece&amp;quot;, but leaves me finding the words to express my emotions hours later after I've had time to reflect on the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would like is advice on how to politely tell someone that I need time to myself before addressing an argument, without escalating the problem even further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T00:17:33.383" Title="How to minimize the chance of escalating an argument when requesting space to reflect?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6863" CreationDate="2017-11-16T18:40:57.807" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to head this off is to ask your friend if she wants advice or if she's just venting.  Do this right when she starts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says she just wants to vent, then listen and say nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this begins to put a strain on you, simply say.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know I care and am your friend and I do want to help and listen.  Right now, I'm too stressed with what I am going through with 'abc', I need to step back and calm down over that before I can be the friend to you that I want to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From that point, it's up to your friend to respect you or not, but that is all that you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it gets past that point and escalates to the point where you cannot address the escalation, try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am so so sorry, but I am so shaken up right now that I need to take a step back.  I care very much about you, but I just can't form the words right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, something of that nature.  I understand completely, I suffer from selective mutism when I get upset.  I literally cannot form the words or speak at all until I calm down.  I've actually had to text people to let them know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T20:21:22.763" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T20:21:22.763" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6817" CreationDate="2017-11-16T19:15:26.400" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; netiquette for these things; some communities are looking for constructive criticism and improvement and some only look for validation. This one is clearly the latter case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no real point in debating with them or pointing out (lack of) group rules, since such small groups are ran by one person or a small group of like-minded individuals and you disagree with them the group is probably not for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately there plenty of art sites that &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; interested in improvement, idea sharing and the like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2017-11-18T15:26:26.317" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T15:26:26.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T19:35:37.450" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A sacred code of bachelor party behavior is that you do not get your friends in trouble. While your girl friend might be okay with you going to a strip club, some of the other girl friends/wives may not be okay with it. You do not want a friend's girl friend to find out at the wedding that that the friend lied to them. At no point should you ever mention anything done during, or even discussed during the planning stages, of the bachelor party to anyone that wasn't there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can, and probably should, discuss with your girl friend the boundaries on your relationship and behavior at the bachelor party prior to the party. You most definitely should respect those boundaries. Everything should be talked about in general terms and never imply that anyone is thinking of doing anything other than having a fun night out with friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation could be something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have been invited to John's bachelor party with Bill and Dave. I have told you stories about those guys and you know they can sometimes get out of hand. I don't want to do anything that would upset you, do you have any concerns?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might then ask if there are going to be strippers (or hookers, gambling, drugs, etc), to which you respond, &lt;em&gt;I am not sure, but if there are do you have concerns&lt;/em&gt;. Even if you know strippers (or whatever) are in the plan, it is not really a lie since if she says they are a no go, then you will deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3259" LastEditorUserId="3259" LastEditDate="2017-11-16T22:35:09.270" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T22:35:09.270" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6869" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6831" CreationDate="2017-11-16T20:22:59.157" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Explaining yourself is definitely unwarranted, and would probably end up being a time-waster if you're a frequent offender of staring off into space that ends up being occupied with another human like I often am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend finding a neutral facial expression/action you feel comfortable making acknowledgement with.  For me, it's a slight brow raise and a very small nod, while slowly turning my head a different direction.  I've seen this among my peers at college, and it tends to give off a vibe of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've just realized I've been accidentally staring in your direction, and I'm going to refocus my attention to a different area of my surroundings now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The slow adjustment of refocusing your attention also indicates that you aren't trying to hide what you were doing because you weren't doing anything perverse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, at the end of the day it needs to be something &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel comfortable with expressing to other strangers. Whether that ends up being a nod, a smile, or nothing at all is up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T20:22:59.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6831" CreationDate="2017-11-16T20:33:29.087" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What would be the right/normal thing to do here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have many possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can smile and say hi.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can ask how they're doing, such as &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot;  This works for people you know or don't know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they look like someone you know and you don't know them, you can say, &quot;You really look like my friend Bob ...&quot; and start a conversation.  This is a great conversation opener for meeting strangers.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can smile and walk away.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can walk away without doing or saying anything at all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as what's normal - what do people normally do in the UK?  Here in the US, what other people do depends on their character.  Social butterflies tend to do 2 and 3, silent types tend to do 1 or 4, and really shy types tend to do 5.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T20:33:29.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6814" CreationDate="2017-11-16T21:03:26.513" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;So my stance is a pretty extreme one but I remember from when I was in school, being picked on was not fun.  Even if someone apologized to me, it didn't help all that much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I would apologize to her.  Explain that you had a previous injury and, even though she didn't know about it, she aggravated the injury and it hurt a lot more.  Apologize for losing your cool and lashing out, but explain that when she said &quot;Why are you making such a big deal&quot; it further made you lose your temper.  I think a very important point here is that she may be picked on with some regularity but she still should have also shown concern for stepping on your foot and apologized in the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, and this is really dependent on the type of person you are and the type of person she is, I would offer to go in front of the class and make a public apology.  This wasn't just you hurting her feelings by calling her fat, this was a public shaming based on her weight that involves several more parties.  Again, if she isn't the type to allow for that and would be embarrassed, then you can't do it because it would make the situation worse.  However, if she does accept the olive branch you are extending, your apology should be short and simple.  Something as easy as &quot;the other day, Girl X stepped on my foot.  I had a previous injury and she just happened to step on it.  I lashed out and was way out of line and want to apologize for my actions.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very extreme opinion but that's how I would handle the situation.  Hopefully you can mend the situation and everyone can move on from this event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9027" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T21:03:26.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6814" CreationDate="2017-11-16T21:21:50.420" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This lady knows she is very overweight, and many people have told her that she is very overweight. The answer of @AJ and the comments following the answer give you excellent advice, and I am not going to repeat any of that (except, forget the chocolates.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One aspect that has not been addressed is that this happened in class, in front of all her classmates.  It happened in a place where her brain and how well she can do the work should be more important than how she looks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and all the others told her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No matter how smart and competent you are, the most important thing&#xA;  about you is -- and always will be -- that you are not physically&#xA;  attractive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus you (and a few of your friends) should be thinking about ways in which you can show that you value what she contributes in class, and her potential to be good in her career.  For example, do you split up into pairs or groups to do a project?  Enlist her in your group and show you appreciate her contributions. Of course, you have probably made her self-conscious about actively participating in class. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing someone can do for this young lady is not to give her flowers (or candy !) but to ask for her help on a technical problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit in response to comment by @Mandrill:&lt;/strong&gt;  This is a good point.  Perhaps one of the offender's friends could approach her, say the offender is a creep and he feels badly about the reaction of the class, but he has noticed she is good at X, and what does she thing about a particular problem?   The point is to draw her into the life of the class -- unless all the class does outside of class is drink beer. :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T19:21:39.330" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T19:21:39.330" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6827" CreationDate="2017-11-16T21:30:30.720" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short and simple, you should absolutely tell your girlfriend. Especially if any part of the plans are discussed. Leaving out that part of the plan is lying by omission and breaches the trust you two have. Telling her helps reinforce your trust.  When you do tell her, I think that user2851843's approach is best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be prepared that cancel that part of the plan if she's uncomfortable with you going. If she has a problem, it's not necessarily that she doesn't trust you, it could very well because she doesn't support those actions as values. Any argument here would likely lead to issues in your relationship.  What I would do in this case is agree that you won't attend and plan an exit strategy so my girlfriend wouldn't lose face with my friends (not placing the blame on her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, if the two of you value trust, absolutely tell your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9029" LastActivityDate="2017-11-16T21:30:30.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6810" CreationDate="2017-11-17T02:10:16.513" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a few different issues here :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I drive down a street everyday to get home. I use this specific street because there’s a four way stop and it really helps me avoid traffic accidents down it and I just feel safer using it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This actually suggests you have issues of confidence and/or anxiety driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should not &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to avoid a four way stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd actually suggest you consider dealing with this issue.  You're really creating other problems to try and avoid what should be a non-problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Today some a mom waves me over and accused me of speeding through their street everyday and they are afraid their kids might get run over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's always one person who thinks they own the world and that what &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; think should be the way things are makes them right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignore this sort of person.  Plain and simple.  No good will come from trying to talk to them - they really don't care what you think or can prove.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The other times I’ve come down the street if there are kids, I always stop to make sure they are out of the street before I go. (Personally I wish they didn’t let their kids play on the streets but I’m not a parent and don’t know their POV)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you're avoiding the &quot;normal&quot; route for one set of fears and seem to have replaced those fears with another set.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this route really doing you any good ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I always go 20 mph, there is always a police man metering the speed because around here. If I was speeding, he would catch me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your speed is a non-issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don’t really know if they just want me to stop coming down this street &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people feel entitled to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I grew up on a street off the main road, but we played football and stuff and when the cars came you just got out of the way.  I can't ever recall any parents every rushing out to complain to drivers.  To us, yes, we got complained to by our parents for not being more careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They simply do not own the street and you are entitled to use it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect they'd like to discourage it being used as a short cut by lots of drivers, but that problem is one for politics.  Berating individual motorists is just road rage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(again, I mostly use it because I feel safer at the 4 way stop it leads to) but I have a feeling they are going to try and get their kids to purposely block the road or something if I continue coming down the street.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this is about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; anxiety, IMO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of all of it the only one you can actually control is choosing to drive down that street or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a way I can talk to them so I can continue going down this street or I probably have to find a different path for now on? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking to some of the parents might work out but you are most likely to find one or two who feel entitled to what they want and who will not listen, and will probably simply get angrier.  That's my experience with similar situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you can control is what choices you make.  I really think you're avoiding some aspect of driving you are uncomfortable with but need to get to grips with, and your avoidance is causing you this other problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly suggest learning to use the normal route.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you shift to a different alternate route you'll likely find the same or another issue waiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Driving is about making choices and avoiding one problem is only a good choice if it doesn't cause you other problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd personally prefer to run the risk of a minor hold up or small bumper-to-bumper tap than to chance driving down minor roads with kids on them.  Kids &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; erratic, they &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; understand risks, they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; harder to fix than a panel on the car or a dent.  So I think you're picking the wrong risk to minimize here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EIT : From a comment of the OP's :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No dividing lanes. So no shoulders and sidewalks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, IMO, makes the choice of this route exceptionally poor.  And it explains the anger of the parent(s), albeit misdirected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under these conditions it is not a road I'd recommend driving down because, from a child's point of view, there is no dividing line between &quot;safe&quot; and &quot;not safe&quot; on this road.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A comment on my original answer asks if I've misunderstood the reason for avoiding the original route.  I'd again suggest that the OP is replacing one problem (whether it's time or personal anxiety) with a bigger one (increased risk of car hitting a kid).  I think this boils down to a poor driving choice, at least from what I've heard so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastEditorUserId="488" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T17:10:28.063" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T17:10:28.063" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6831" CreationDate="2017-11-17T02:21:34.640" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a really simple solution :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go on about your business and forget it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I usually instinctively look away, but that somehow feels weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you're over thinking this.  It feels weird because you're over-thinking it, not because it is.  It's normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I would also consider any option of the form of a casual nod or an inquisitive look or a &quot;sorry, did you ask me something ?&quot; or &quot;pardon, thought you were someone else&quot; type of thing.  This should not be an issue with most people.  I think the less the better in most of these cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the main issue seems to be &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; feelings about these (fairly trivial) encounters.  I honestly think you just need to let them go.  Your comfort level will improve as you get into the habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T02:21:34.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6880" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6888" CreationDate="2017-11-17T02:28:49.857" Score="72" ViewCount="15839" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently the project lead of an online volunteer run software project. I originally created this and work on it my in free time. There are also a few other people who took interest in this project and volunteered to help. I have never worked with other developers before. Currently, there is another developer volunteering to help program the project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before they were a developer, I knew them online since they took interest in the project. They did not have a lot of experience in software engineering, but they did know the programming language the project uses somewhat well. At this time, I was looking for another programmer to help speed up development, and told them that they could help code the project. I was hoping that despite their lack of experience, I would be able to get them up to speed with my guidance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was two months ago, and by now  I've realized that it will take a &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; long time for me to train them to become a fully competent developer. Currently, their skills simply aren't good enough for working on the project right now, and they need my assistance on completing almost every task. In retrospect, this might have been my fault since I miscalculated the amount of time I needed to train a new developer. I hope this does not sound unsympathetic, but from a purely business oriented perspective, the large amount of time I spend mentoring them is simply not worth the time I could otherwise be spending on the project itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have considered that mentoring them is an investment, and eventually that they will have the skills to contribute to the project more efficiently. However, as it stands, I do this project for fun, after many responsibilities, so I really don't have the energy to teach someone every night when I get home. &lt;em&gt;Mentoring takes the enjoyment out of the project for me.&lt;/em&gt; Besides, I plan on abandoning and/or finishing this project by the next 3 months, so it's worthless for me to make an investment in something I will abandon soon anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, it would be extremely beneficial for both me and the project to either remove them from the developer job, or reassign them to another role. However, this is awkward for three reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They are a volunteer on this project. In fact, they showed enthusiasm for helping out, and I have a feeling they are very happy to be a developer. It's not the same as firing a paid worker, because they are sacrificing their relaxation and free time for this project. It would be very disrespectful to simply &quot;fire&quot; them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They have already been a developer for about two months already. If I were to reject them for inexperience, I (normally) would have done this right away. As I mentioned earlier, I was not aware that their inexperience would interfere with the project this much.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I already knew this person online earlier, and they are a friend and also have been an enthusiastic supporter of this project. I don't want to burn any bridges.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks in advance for any advice. I would rather work on my own currently without this other developer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I don't think this would apply to The Workplace, because they are a volunteer, and I am rather informal with the developer - in fact, I have mentioned that I am friends with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, I looked at &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3938/how-do-i-tell-someone-that-i-need-to-fire-him-for-lack-of-talent&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; about firing someone due to skills, but that is for a professional environment. As I mentioned in Awkwardness Reason #1, they are a volunteer and deserve some respect for sacrificing their valuable free time for this project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9036" LastEditorUserId="9036" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T03:46:58.503" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T13:04:31.987" Title="Politely telling an incompetent software project volunteer they are too inexperienced" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6654" CreationDate="2017-11-17T04:54:41.290" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are your most authentic - and least stressed - when your words and actions align with your values. When you base your response on the facts and on your values, it is very hard for another to complain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something, perhaps, along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;When you ask me to sign in as you, so that you can avoid too many absences for the course, I regretted giving you my number, because my value of integrity does not allow me to impersonate you. Would you mind asking someone else?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A followup question might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Would you please delete my phone number, too?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would allow you to live at peace with yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8943" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T04:54:41.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6882" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6886" CreationDate="2017-11-17T06:20:44.267" Score="18" ViewCount="10808" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was reversing, I accidentally scratched a woman's car. The scratch is around 15cm long and 0.5cm wide. The scratch is not a really a scratch since my car's paint was simply just scraped off onto hers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I suggested to her to trying polishing or buffing it off. But she demands strongly to go a full bumper paint job which can cost a lot for someone like me that just started working full time. She's a senior employee working in the same company as me so it is hard for me to ignore her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just don't understand why is she overreacting so much. I know its her right to get me to compensate for the paint job but it is such a petty scratch that can be polished away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just a minor scratch and both of us are not looking to using our insurance here because the repair cost won't be worth the paperwork and time spent on dealing with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, &lt;strong&gt;I don't see why I have to pay for a full bumper paint job. How do I convince her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: After negotiating nicely with her, she tried polishing the bumper first and she was satisfied with the final results! Thank you guys for the kind advice :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9040" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T17:48:53.757" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T17:48:53.757" Title="I don't see why I have to pay for a full bumper paint job. How do I convince her?" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;negotiation&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6883" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6880" CreationDate="2017-11-17T06:29:58.983" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As they are a volunteer I don't think its necessary to &quot;fire&quot; them at all as wording it like that would come off as quite rude. Instead saying that the volunteer work that you need them for is finished for now might be more appropriate. Also, be sure to thank them kindly for the work they have done already, comment on its success and their personal growth just don't give them any new tasks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works especially for volunteers as they were never technically employed, only helping out where they were needed and if you can phrase it in a way that shows they succeeded in doing their task then not receiving any more tasks should be met with positive feelings rather than negative ones. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you so much {name}, {X} part of the project is up and working well! You have done everything I needed but if its alright with you I might ask you to do some more work in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking if its alright for something they &lt;strong&gt;would&lt;/strong&gt; like is quite handy as it keeps the metaphorical bridge you mentioned up, it gets them agreeing with you,  it provides them with options that which ever they choose you accomplish your goal of stopping them working on the current project and it is polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately this will not work in all cases and I don't know the details of your project/what he was assigned. If you have to choose between being a bit more blunt or lying, being blunt would likely help in the long run (thats not to say you should focus on the bad!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You have helped us out and improved a lot, but I think that it would be better if {others} and I completed the remaining tasks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If something better suited for your skills comes along in the future I will be sure to send it your way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Might be more appropriate in some cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T13:04:31.987" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T13:04:31.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6882" CreationDate="2017-11-17T06:49:55.597" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems pretty reasonable to try the easiest solution first. If you really don't want to involve your insurance company, offer to pay to have the scratch buffed out, and mention that if that doesn't work to her satisfaction that you will bite the bullet and pay for the paint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure that the car is taken to reputable body shop. Make it clear that you're willing to pay, but that you'll need to see the estimate/bill from the shop. This will eliminate the possibility of her picking a number and asking you to pay a lot more than is really necessary. It's worth mentioning that replacing the bumper with a used one from a scrap yard may be cheaper than repainting, depending on the make and model. (A reputable body shop will think about this, if it's a good option)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this isn't ok with her it sounds like you pay what she's asking, or you hand it off to your insurance company, or  hire a lawyer. (I don't recommend that last option.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realistically your best option is to let your insurance company do what you're paying them to do. They have experienced professionals who know how to handle these things properly and the possible raise in your insurance rate will probably end up being a lot less than what you'll end up paying out in time, money, and aggravation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T06:49:55.597" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6886" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6882" CreationDate="2017-11-17T07:02:03.507" Score="58" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, having been in a situation where I damaged both my parents' car and someone else's: first of all, show some understanding. You just damaged someone's car, people can be very proud of their cars. Tell her you're sorry if you haven't already. Don't think of her reaction as 'overreaction'. She probably just wants her car back the way it was and if she's never had car damage before, she won't know what's needed to get her car back to its original state. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't go telling her 'oh, that's a minor thing, we can just polish this away'. A 15 cm long, 0.5 cm wide 'scratch' might very well look worse than it is to someone that's proud of their car. Instead, tell her you will do everything you can to make this right. Feel free to suggest polishing if you have experience with repairing car damage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not an expert in repairing cars, she won't take your word for it. She'll just think you're trying to handle this as cheaply as possible, and that the cheap solution might be forever visible on her precious car. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't go telling her that you're only willing to pay for the polishing away... because that doesn't sound like you want to do everything you can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;its just a minor scratch and both of us are not looking to using our insurance here &lt;br&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;the repair cost won't be worth the paperwork and time spent on dealing with it.. It is a really petty scratch but yet she's going so overboard &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I nicked this from the comments. As said above, tell her that you will do everything you can to make this right. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, you don't have money to help her have the full bumper paint job she wants/might need. So, state the facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's best that you get the insurance company involved here, whether you want it or not. YOU can't pay for the repairs she might need, at the same time, she doesn't think the scratch is minor and doesn't want to try the cheap solution first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get the insurance involved, have them assess the damage and pay for the repairs. So contact them right now. If you wait until the receipt comes in, they might well decline it because it's for more than was necessary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now you're saying that YOU think the damage is minor, and not worth the time/effort. Will it have been worth the time/effort once she decides that the cheap solution wasn't enough, that she still can see a little spot, and decides to get who-knows-who involved to get her right, the full paint job she wants? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The insurance company certainly isn't going to pay for expensive repairs if things can be solved cheaply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The insurance company has experts that can decide whether this is really minor or needs more expensive repairs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are insured so that when such things happen, you don't have to pay for expensive repairs out of your own pocket.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the insurance company decides she isn't getting the expensive repair but the cheap one, she'll have to fight the insurance company if this isn't enough, not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously, if you want to show you'll do anything you can do to make things right, don't go refusing to get the insurance company involved. Get the time and the paperwork and just do it. You damaged someone's property, it's up to you to make it right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T11:55:55.090" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T11:55:55.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6882" CreationDate="2017-11-17T07:11:12.447" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you damaged someone's property, and now you're haggling about how you have to make up that damage?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is probably the frame that she is seeing this in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lets review:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't think it's a big deal (from your perspective)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't want to get insurance involved (because you don't want to spend time on paperwork)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't think she needs a bumper paint job to get it fixed&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In her situation, this comes across as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This guy damaged my car&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Now he's refusing to make up for it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not even because he can't afford it, but because he's too lazy to fill out paperwork(!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you could probably understand why she's this upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside from the interpersonal problem here, you don't know why she wants a full bumper paintjob. It could be this is anti-rust paint and just painting over an area will compromise the integrity of that. It could be she really likes her car and wants it to be fully restored again. You don't know that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest talking to her and listening to her concerns about why she needs that bumper job and then just biting the bullet and either paying for it or getting that paperwork done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T07:11:12.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6880" CreationDate="2017-11-17T07:19:54.670" Score="106" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can side step that issue entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't even have to be deceitful about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply say to them that the part of the project they can realistically help with is finished now (since it is, that's entirely the truth) and that you'll contact them again if something else comes up that they can help with. This has key advantages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're not burning any bridges.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It may prompt the junior developer to learn more in an effort to gain skills more relevant to the project.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're not firing them or insinuating they are incompetent at all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is normal for collaborative free-time projects. At some point the stuff someone without certain skills can do ends.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using this strategy, you're completely avoiding the problem of having to &quot;fire&quot; them at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you can re-assign them to tasks that need to be done but don't need a developer to do them, or tasks that are secondary (nice to have). Usually, this includes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Writing docs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Code review &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Extensive Q/A testing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be on the lookout for tasks that don't cost you anything if they're done poorly but do help out a lot when they enthusiastically complete them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="5639" LastEditDate="2017-11-18T19:42:35.027" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T19:42:35.027" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6844" CreationDate="2017-11-17T08:54:28.557" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're obviously not the only one around. If your husband wants to take the decision that baby stops over, he needs to take the responsibility to do the baby-sitting. The car will have to wait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that's not the issue. The issue is that you're expected to carry on as normal. How can you in such circumstances? Those who expect you to seem to have their own interests at heart. Maybe they think it'll take your mind off things, but they need to know it isn't going to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speak honestly with them, individually, and explain that your mind is elsewhere, and you can't and/or won't be taking on such responsibility for some time yet. Be firm and matter-of-fact. You're the one potentially doing the favours, and favours should be given, not expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Time on your own, with your own thoughts is needed now, so state that you are going to have that above everything. It only happens once, so feel that it's your entitlement. If the others involved cannot see that, there's a bigger problem. They should respect your decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1655" LastEditorUserId="1655" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T12:13:29.623" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T12:13:29.623" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6782" CreationDate="2017-11-17T09:23:44.530" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Meet them half way&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know your question implies you want a solution where they agree to your terms and communicate in writing...however a large part of interpersonal skills is about seeing things from the other person's point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Putting ourselves in their shoes&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps they're avoiding written communication because they don't want to be on record...but perhaps they have hundreds of people to get through today and phone calls are just so much quicker. I don't know what the process is there but to remind themselves of your case maybe they have to spend a while reading the details and then formulate a response. On the phone they can just ask you the relevant questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;A middle ground&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they call just inform them that the call is being recorded so you can refer back to it. More likely than not they will be fine with this as it saves them a lot of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T09:23:44.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6844" CreationDate="2017-11-17T10:06:25.670" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speaking from the perspective of someone who has been in your situation in terms of losing a parent, and having been through the process of living in the aftermath of such an event, I would think that your husband and stepson are doing this for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With grief it is very easy to close the doors and not interact with the outside world. I know this too much to go in to here. I would think that they will have seen you suffer with your loss - which is significant - and have thought that it might be good for you to spend time with your grandson. It could be that you have a fantastic relationship with him, and that you light up and are happy when you're with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This of course is conjecture, as I don't know how you've reacted to your mothers death. I know, for a long time afterwards when my Dad died, I isolated myself and it didn't help. I didn't start to come to terms with his death until I had some normaility back in my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say you ask your husband and your stepson why they thought you would want to babysit your grandson so soon after your mothers death, especially as you're still in a grieving process. I'd think that their answer will be something along the lines of what I have pointed out. I wouldn't shut them down about it, I would babysit the child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it is your decision afterall, but I think there is nothing but care and concern behind the reason they want you to babysit your grandson. I'm sorry for your loss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="523" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T10:06:25.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6880" CreationDate="2017-11-17T10:15:52.087" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure you have to fire them entirely from the project, you could also move them to a position where they don't block other people (including you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, it sounds like the main problem for you is the coaching - so scale back the coaching. You could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, currently there's a lot going on in my life and I simply can't find the time for our training sessions [or whatever you call them] any longer, sorry about that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, move them &quot;out of the way&quot; by assigning them one or two simple tasks with non-urgent priority. If they can learn and complete the task on their own: great, give them something more challenging and repeat until you've found their level of competency. If not, come back to them when the task has moved up in priority (when it's needed soon). If you want to be diplomatic about it, you could then say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, we need the documentation / translations / tests executed / foobar soon. Could you take care of that and I'll take over on the defrobulator in the meantime?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really helps if you can convince yourself that documentation and testing are important tasks - because they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt;. Many devs don't want to write documentation and that seals the fate of many a small open source software project: their software solves some problem but most people can't figure out how to use it, so nobody uses it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally: you mention &quot;I have never worked with other developers before&quot; and it's not quite clear to me how you organise the work in your project. Organising software development is a very valuable skillset, so you may want to use this opportunity to learn and grow yourself. Learn to break work down into tasks and subtasks, to figure out dependencies, to estimate the time needed, to prioritse what is important and what can wait, to gauge who can do what. Learn how to best communicate with your fellow devs and how to replan when things don't work out the way you expected. Use the collaboration tools (issue tracker, versioning system, etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe methodologies en vogue in the business world at the moment (Scrum, Kanban, etc.) would give you some useful guidelines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T13:04:02.650" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T13:04:02.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6882" CreationDate="2017-11-17T11:27:32.130" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you should only contact the insurance if you cannot afford the paint job. In any case, you should talk to her before you contact the insurance. You scratched her car and must make up for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some countries, when you have an accident like this on private property (you did not say where the accident took place, I assume on company grounds (car park)), blame is shared. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you contact your insurance, your insurance would contact hers if blame is shared and both you and her might have increased insurance fees later. Imagine, not only have you scratched her bumper and she has to leave a her car at a garage for repairs, her insurance fees might increase as well when it clearly was not her fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to her. Offer to polish the scratch off and do your best to get the job done properly, invest time ... if you cannot, offer to have the scratch polished off by a professional, say you will pay for the paint job if the scratch shows after that ... tell her you just started fulltime and would really like to avoid paying for a full bumper paint job ... I am sure she will understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lesson learned: when you reverse, pay attention to the property of others!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9051" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T11:27:32.130" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6882" CreationDate="2017-11-17T11:59:15.577" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Please consider this:&#xA;- Her car was perfect before&#xA;- Because you broke it, she will have to lose time by taking it to a repair shop&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You not only broke her car, but you also inflicted time penalties upon her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider yourself in her position:&#xA;Some random person hit your car. That person doesn't want to fully fix the damage, just to pay for a spit and shine. However, this means either you accept the proposed repair-person (or break-more-than-it-fix-person) suggested by the one that broke your car, or you search on your own time for a repair place, wait until they can take care of you. Even a &quot;small&quot; scratch might mean a day without the car, which add additional hardship (transportation from garage to work and back, time at work that must be taken off).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, even a small scratch might mean half a day lost for her. And you pile insult to injury by proposing a cheap (as in quality) fix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, if a car is not new, even  a perfectly matched paint now will age differently compared to the original paint, so in a couple of years there might be visible difference (or the difference might be visible now).&#xA;   And if the car is not new, there original paint might not be so shiny, so there will be a difference of reflexivity (glossy/matte).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9052" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T11:59:15.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6898" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-17T12:08:12.417" Score="14" ViewCount="6335" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR;&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Is it rude to ask how much a new neighbour paid for their apartment? My view is that it isn't, because it's information that's probably their favourite topic of conversation right now, and also in the public domain.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, some new people in my apartment building moved in. Unfortunately, they appear very friendly, and have already telegraphed a degree of interest in developing some form of non-transactional relationship with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two days in a row now we have both given each other friendly hellos and acknowledged one another's existence but not actually stopped to introduce ourselves. The worst type of faux-relationship you can have with someone is the one that consists of hellos without ever stopping to talk. I have decided that I will not be that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So next time I bump into them I intend to actually make an effort. Not a huge one, but an earnest one nonetheless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presently, I am self-indulgently trying to come up with possible topics of conversation. For example, they were sanding the floor the other night which means they bought the place, which means I might pretend to not have already looked up the sale price and to casually ask if they bought it or are renting, then ask how much they paid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am aware of the typical sensitivities regarding questions that pry into matters relating to finances e.g. income, personal expenses, etc but I don't think that such graces apply if these things are publicly available &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I find the following unlikely:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I hear that's very competitive to get accepted into. Tell me, how&#xA;  much does a year at this elite boarding school for toddlers cost?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;We'll, that's none of your damn busine--&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Actually never mind, they have a price list on their website&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking, is my perspective on this reasonable? If it's of any relevance, I will not be deploying any offense-taking countermeasures such as the classic &quot;if you don't mind me asking&quot;  gambit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8011" LastEditorUserId="8011" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T18:56:03.523" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T04:42:23.073" Title="Is it rude to ask how much a new neighbour paid for their apartment?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-15T15:01:28.303" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6900" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6898" CreationDate="2017-11-17T12:33:37.290" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not think this is rude at all. Generally, depending on the relationship you have with that person, asking about how much they paid should show that you are interested in his/her recent progress in life. People is usually also very excited about having a new home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moving out is always a stressing task, and a new neighbor should appreciate any interest if you are willing to ask. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you would have to build up a degree of trust before asking, because (for some reason I can't fathom) sometimes people regard their peers with respect to the amount of money that they earn or spend. In the end, if this person gets nervous when you make these kind of questions, it will also be useful for you because you can start picturing what kind of personality your new neighbor has.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6106" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T12:33:37.290" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6814" CreationDate="2017-11-17T12:41:43.863" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You wrote,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't want to hurt her feelings badly for what was probably a mistake and not intentional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately I guess you probably &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; (in the heat of anger) intend to hurt her feelings, which you now regret.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume what happened was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You were (physically) hurt&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You became angry&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You &lt;em&gt;wanted&lt;/em&gt; to hurt her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That (wanting to hurt her) is a fairly normal behavioural strategy (see &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tit_for_tat&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Tit for tat&lt;/a&gt;) -- it's maybe intended to dissuade someone (an &quot;enemy&quot;) from hurting you again, and is one of the normal outcomes of anger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it (anger and retaliation) is an &lt;em&gt;unskillful&lt;/em&gt; (e.g. immature) reaction on your part (and I recommend you unlearn it a.s.a.p., before you use it in your other/intimate personal relationships).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, when you apologise I recommend you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; say, &quot;I didn't mean it&quot; or &quot;I didn't want to&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Because it's untrue (I assume you did mean to hurt her, at the time -- that is the reason why you would &quot;lash out&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Because it isn't true, there's no reason why she should find it a satisfying or helpful (reassuring) apology&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead explain (or &lt;em&gt;confess&lt;/em&gt;) that you were angry (because of whatever the reason was).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next, &lt;em&gt;most important&lt;/em&gt; part of an apology is to tell her that it won't happen (i.e. that you won't do that) again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A reason to remember hurt is maybe to avoid being hurt again (so maybe being told it &lt;em&gt;won't&lt;/em&gt; happen again gives her an opportunity to forget the hurt she suffered).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what to &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; about the the reaction of the crowd. You might (or might not) &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; that maybe some of the them laughed because they were embarrassed at your outburst, or that it was wrong of them too to tolerate your bullying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I suppose you can ask what you can &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; to apologise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastEditorUserId="9053" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T23:18:53.367" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T23:18:53.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6898" CreationDate="2017-11-17T12:45:51.777" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it rude? No, I don't think it is rude, but...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I think it would be an odd topic for a first conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you don't know how friendly they are, just because they wave and smile&#xA;doesn't mean they are willing to share personal details even if&#xA;this information is somehow public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you should ask it only if you are really interested in how much they paid&#xA;for the apartment, otherwise, I don't think it would be the best&#xA;topic for conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7886" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T16:28:17.210" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T16:28:17.210" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6898" CreationDate="2017-11-17T13:05:08.673" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel uncomfortable asking a question, and you don't know the person at all, that's usually a good sign that you shouldn't ask that particular question. Ask a question you feel comfortable asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why don't you ask how they're enjoying the apartment instead? Or ask if they're enjoying the area that they moved into? Those are nice open ended questions where the person answering has a bit of freedom about how much information they can reveal. If you ask a question about the price of a place and they don't want to answer, you have to explicitly say that you don't want to answer the question to not answer it. If you ask if they're enjoying the apartment, you can talk about things you feel comfortable talking about while skipping over any details you don't want to share publicly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8960" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T13:05:08.673" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6814" CreationDate="2017-11-17T13:10:09.087" Score="9" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Apologize and move on.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some others suggest that you should offer extra help, or that you've done something that required a quadruple version of an apology. I disagree with that. Correct your mistake and continue. It is not your fault that she is overweight. It is not your fault that it's a very sensitive subject. It was not your fault that the whole class heard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; say something hurtful, accidental or not, in response to an accident on her part. You did something that requires an apology, apologize and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Via this same logic, I expect her to apologize for an error on her side. It is not her fault that you have a injury, but she did step on it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T18:24:49.367" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6784" CreationDate="2017-11-17T13:23:36.897" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;We had a similar sort of a case in my family - only in that case 2 children who had been adopted for very good reasons discovered that adoption and the existence of a large extended family when they were adults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end one sibling was cautiously interested in meeting the rest of the family, the other bitterly resented being told that they were adopted and expressed a forcible wish never to hear the matter mentioned again and never to meet any other members of a family they did not acknowledge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important point is that not all the siblings have to react the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also do not assume that all siblings have a warm family relationship. Cain and Abel were brothers. Your own lack of sibs when you were growing up may have led you to idealise their situation. It is possible that you may find yourself in the middle of bitter family in-fighting with one or both sides keen to drag you into the fight or even just to weaponise your existence. It's not likely, but it is possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can, look out for any clues which will tell you about differences of opinion. Treat all reactions with a little reserve, so that you do not find later that you have been put into a false position. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7191" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T13:23:36.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6826" CreationDate="2017-11-17T13:47:28.383" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;From a French perspective, we did what is already stated on other answers, we did knock on closest neighbors door to introduce ourselves as the new family in the neighborhood and planned a party around June, on the last move one the neighbors told us about the &lt;a href=&quot;https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/F%C3%AAte_des_voisins&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Fête des voisins&lt;/a&gt; date for the area and we did offer to host the event as the latest newcomers there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When introducing yourself on a door to door journey, this could be a starting point of discussion, if there's already one planned there, if not ask if they would be interested in participating and compile all feedback to plan next move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4809" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T13:47:28.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6898" CreationDate="2017-11-17T14:18:14.320" Score="20" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it rude to ask how much a new neighbour paid for their apartment ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this seems to be your only motivation for speaking to the neighbor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My view is that it isn't, because it's information that's probably their favourite topic of conversation right now, and also in the public domain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's in the public domain and that's all you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to know then look for that info in the public domain instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Recently, some new people in my apartment building moved in. &lt;strong&gt;Unfortunately&lt;/strong&gt;, they appear very friendly, and have already telegraphed a degree of interest in developing some form of non-transactional relationship with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've emphasized the word &quot;unfortunately&quot; because that's what you used and it seems to say that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; really don't want anything to do with them and only want to know what they paid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Two days in a row now we have both given each other friendly hellos and acknowledged one another's existence, but not actually stopped to introduce ourselves. The worst type of faux-relationship you can have with someone is the one that comprises hellos without ever stopping talk to talk. I have decided that I will not be that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But your sole reason for wanting to talk seems to be knowing how much they paid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It certainly would be a &quot;faux&quot; relationship to pretend interest in anything more than that, from what you've said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So next time I bump into them I intend to actually make an effort. Not a huge one, but an earnest one nonetheless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all you want is the price paid and have no interest in making a friend or being friendly then I'd suggest just looking for that info some other way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you genuinely want to be friendly then forget about the price paid entirely and just chat, pass the odd comment (&quot;cold day this morning&quot; and so on and work from there).  These things build slowly (usually) not instantly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T14:18:14.320" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1535" CreationDate="2017-11-17T14:23:18.340" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like more screaming than normal, and our kids were/are very bad sleepers; thankfully we had a lot of support. So it sounds like either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The parents aren't coping – in which case the parents are suffering far more than you are (it's louder for them, and your own child crying is &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; worse than someone else's; additionally, the time when you don't hear the child screaming, they're probably still awake for a lot of it, so the parents can't sleep).&#xA;They may have given up due to exhaustion or depression (may have PND and need professional help), and a kind word would certainly encourage them, which might help them keep going and help the child stop crying.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The parents don't care – in which case you might want to get a second opinion, then call Social Services.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll have to make a judgement call. You can certainly ask how the child is, mention you hear them crying and ask if the kid's ok, ask in a friendly, non-judgemental way if they're coping (&quot;your son seems to be up a lot in the nights; are you coping ok with that?&quot;). Ask (conversationally) if they've got relatives near to help. If it sounds like they're not coping, there's a lot of support around if you know where to ask for it, but new parents often don't. You can ask friends with kids what's available locally, then pass it on – just don't sound like you know it all, there's no easy fixes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9062" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T14:23:18.340" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6817" CreationDate="2017-11-17T14:46:25.167" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, I sandwiched my feedback, complimented the maker on their&#xA;  technique and expressed an interest in learning some tricks from them.&#xA;  I then gave some advice on how to pick colors, and on what to keep in&#xA;  mind when picking different kinds of yarn. I ended with a compliment&#xA;  to the creativeness of the craft.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is exactly what I would have done, so I am surprised that the mod jumped on you. It is certainly not obvious that there should be &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; criticism, even gentle suggestions, on a craft forum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, maybe there's more to the story than you realise. Perhaps the mod thought &quot;meat&quot; part of the sandwich was excessively harsh. Compare for example, the following two statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That shade of orange makes me want to vomit! Next time choose a&#xA;  brighter colour using .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;as opposed to...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you decide to make another one, a brighter shade of orange would be&#xA;  lovely. By the way, I find  helpful for choosing colours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first statement is harsh, the second one conveys the same information but is much gentler. Now, I'm not suggesting that what you actually wrote was rude. I'm just trying to suggest a possible reason why the mod reacted the way they did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2865" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T14:46:25.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6782" CreationDate="2017-11-17T14:48:05.087" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;contradictory information, she instead wants to insist on written communication only to create a paper trail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your cousin's concerns are perfectly sound. Although telephone is a lot more convenient than writing, a good way to minimise accountability for one's poor conduct is to avoid creating a paper trail to begin with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can someone politely insist to communicate in writing only without offending someone and how should they proceed if the person insists on verbal communication instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to remedy this with minimal fuss, my suggestions are further below. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But i find the response she is considering sending interesting:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm insisting on written communication because I've lost all faith in anything that any of your employees says. I already telephoned with three employees who all alleged different, conflicting reasons for the wrong calculation: a waste of my time. You appear to refuse email because you're trying to shirk leaving a written record that'd be evidence if your employees fib again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She believes she needs to qualify her request, as though it was unreasonable and she must now elaborate upon it. If she were asking to communicate via carrier pidgeon, yes, by all means, provide a reason why the party should accommodate your request. But when that request is essentially the standard modality of communication, unless that person has a health-related impediment, I would have zero flexibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not willing to email. I still think that verbal discussion over the telephone is fastest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more professional response would avoid making accusations about lying. Instead, regardless of who is at fault, what you have been trying so far is not working:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, telephone is faster. Unfortunately, we've experienced a number of&#xA;  mistakes and miscommunications. So instead of focussing on resolving&#xA;  this quickly, I suggest we try to resolve it correctly. And you may&#xA;  just find that this is actually the fastest method.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is something about the following that irks me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not willing to email. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless... perhaps your cousin is more polite and less prideful than me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a similar experience about two weeks ago, for precisely the same reasons. I really wanted a paper trail because I knew it would come back to bite them. I think this is the answer your cousin is actually looking for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Can we please arrange a me so we can discuss this over the&#xA;  phone? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me: If it's not too much trouble I would prefer to correspond via email. However I am in no particular rush so feel free to respond at&#xA;  your convenience.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: I believe it would be easier to discuss this over the phone so&#xA;  there aren’t any misunderstandings and no further delays. [Accepts request and continues]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... [All subsequent correspondence via e-mail]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One alternative method that might be to bend the truth without lying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have hearing difficulties, and I believe it has already lead to a number of misunderstandings. If it's not too much trouble, I would prefer to correspond via e-mail. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine now, if the employee said: &quot;well, because I only communicate over the phone, it will be a lot trouble. I tell you what, when you resolve your hearing problems, call me get back and I'll sort this out for you in a FLASH&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;LOL. I would love to see the outcome of a performance review where their boss saw that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8011" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T14:48:05.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6654" CreationDate="2017-11-17T15:16:40.303" Score="10" Body="&lt;h1&gt;For next time&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not interested, say so. Something along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the offer, I appreciate it! I'm fine like this though, I've got a handle on my attendance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;For this time&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've gone along with it because you didn't completely think things through. Now, after some reflection, you've come to realize that you do in fact have feelings on the subject and are no longer fine with just going along with it: you feel you've created the expectation that you'll sign in for someone if asked to and have decided that's not something you're comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would approach the person sometime and make it clear how you feel:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, after your generous offer last time we spoke I gave the matter some more thought. While appreciate your offer to help me, I'm not really comfortable with signing in for someone or having someone else sign in for me. I didn't think it would be a big deal at first, but I just don't feel good about it. I'm not going to rat you out or anything, what you do is your business, I just don't want to be involved in this at all and I wanted to make that clear for my own peace of mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By approaching them pro-actively rather than waiting for a case to come up where someone asks them to sign for you, you achieve two things: you take away the stress of &quot;what if they ask me&quot; and you make it clear to the other party what they can expect: you won't sign for them nor will you tell on them. If someone &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; to ask you about the whole thing, you can simply answer something like &quot;&lt;em&gt;that's none of my business, you'll have to take it up with them&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T15:16:40.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6882" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:13:23.507" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you damaged her car and are responsible, neither of you want to go to the insurance company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could offer to try to fix it yourself (polish it out). She is under no obligation to accept this offer. If I was her I'd refuse; I wouldn't want someone without experience or insurance working on my car, would you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could offer what you feel is fair financial compensation. Then she can get it repaired or keep the cash as she sees fit. You would want a written agreement that this resolves the situation and removes your liability. She would want agreement that it only covers the paint damage (encase further damage is discovered). Again she isn't under any obligation to accept this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She could make a request for payment that she feels fair (with the same caveats as above). You aren't under any obligation to accept if you feel this is unfair.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have exhausted these options and can't agree  on a fair price. You remaining options are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She can drop the claim (why would she?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give her your insurance details and walk away, she can contact her insurers and sort it out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Alternatively get her insurers details and inform your insurers so they can sort it out&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She can take legal action which you would refer to your insurers (this would probably cost more)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it stands the two of you can't agree a fair settlement, so unless she is willing to drop her claim (and if you don't get this in writing it could bite you in the future) then go to the insurers. Its what they are there for, sure it may cost you more in the future but covers you legally and will keep her happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9067" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T16:13:23.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6916" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:22:53.567" Score="29" ViewCount="8787" Body="&lt;p&gt;How can I correct my family's use of language related to LGBT+ issues without making them uncomfortable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently &quot;came out&quot; as queer, or more specifically somewhat &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;pansexual&lt;/a&gt;¹, to two more members of my family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They were very understanding, or at least tried to be, but it was still really awkward talking to them about LGBT+ issues... I obviously thought about the possibility of mixed reactions. I've done this before and know that some people don't respond well initially. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I didn't really expect or know how to deal with was the well-meaning, but somewhat tone-deaf response. These two family members are rather open-minded people, I guess you could say they're rather socially/politically liberal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess I got the sense that while they mean well and are trying to be supportive, they're comfortable talking &lt;strong&gt;about&lt;/strong&gt; LGBT+ people, but don't have much experience talking &lt;strong&gt;with&lt;/strong&gt; LGBT+ people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was mostly just language things. Like switching back and forth between using a person's dead name and current name, mixing up pronouns, misunderstanding and misapplying some terminology, and stuff like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be absolutely clear, I know that they mean well. They're not trying to offend anyone. They really wanted to understand where I'm coming from and what being queer means for me. They just don't have much experience with communicating with a queer person about LGBT+ issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Again my question is, how do I correct some of these language problems without making them uncomfortable talking about these issues?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love them and I know they still love me, that's why they're talking about this stuff and asking questions. It just gets uncomfortable talking with them about it when a lot of what they say comes out badly... And I know that sooner or later I'm going to be introducing them to a partner, so it would be nice if they didn't inadvertently say something awful, and I'm fairly certain that they'd rather not make those missteps either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(For those that are unaware, or confused... I'm a cis-male, meaning that I identify as the sex/gender I was assigned at birth. I'm also pansexual, meaning that I date people without much regard to their sex,  gender identity, or lack thereof. I guess you could say that I'm more attracted to a person's personality and I'm not really concerned about their plumbing.)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-11-18T20:37:13.890" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T00:00:40.673" Title="How can I correct my family's use of language related to LGBT+ issues without making them uncomfortable?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6826" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:24:57.380" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact that you are considering such action proves that you are a good neighbor. Let your energy be your guide. People who want to meet new friends will accept your handshakes and will smile if you meet them in the elevator (or wherever). I live in New York City - a simple &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Hi, how are you doing?&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will tell you a lot whether they are open or not to chat. Don't take anything personally! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think a lot of people share your thought - not wanting to be a bother to others. So the best advice is do what you think is right with good intention. Since you can't control the outcome or any downstream events, you'll feed good about what you're doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9068" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T16:24:57.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6898" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:25:35.153" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Making them feel like they do not &lt;em&gt;have to&lt;/em&gt; answer the question is the best thing to do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may encounter people finding this extremely rude and unmannered, and some others who would not mind telling at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really depends, and there is not a &quot;&lt;em&gt;Yes/No&lt;/em&gt;&quot; answer for your question. Culture and country also matter a lot here. For example, we the French find it very uncomfortable to talk about money, and IMHO American people are much less &lt;em&gt;shy&lt;/em&gt; about the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just need to phrase it in a way that they wouldn't think their answer is mandatory, and recognise being &quot;too curious&quot; as a sign of courtesy :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry for asking, but may I ask you how much did you pay for it ? I'm sorry for being nosy, of course you don't have to answer this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or, ask spontaneously, and pretend to talk faster than expected :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How much did you pay for ? Wow, sorry that's none of my business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might answer if they are okay with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that helped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6136" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T16:25:35.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="633" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:34:25.980" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have struggled with this myself and wanted to provide what has assisted me in breaking this habit, especially since this is the kind of topic that could have &lt;em&gt;many answers&lt;/em&gt; depending on the individual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I feel the need to interrupt, I cross my fingers to remember that I have something to say. Since my friends are aware of this, having having this &quot;small&quot; physical action I perform has given me several benefits:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reminds you that you had something to say once the speaker is done&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Raises awareness in the speaker that something they said gave you a thought (so maybe they can help you remind you what they were talking about if you forget by the time they're finished)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Allows the speaker to acknowledge you have something to say (my friends have even went as far as to halt their stories and ask me if I want to quickly interject with my thoughts)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, sometimes habits like this are hard to break.  When you do stumble, I'd recommend just throwing in a&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;Anyway, sorry for interrupting - please continue.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;as this lets the original speaker know that you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; care about their thoughts and stories, and you didn't mean to take away from that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="521" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T18:45:40.677" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T18:45:40.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6880" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:37:39.703" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, I agree with the part about thanking volunteer for his time/effort to date, and saying that the part of the primary development you needed him on is finished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;May I recommend, for both your sake, you invest in one more mentoring session.  The topic:  &lt;strong&gt;show his bad self how to write unit tests&lt;/strong&gt;.  Then tell him that if he wants to do more technology help (as opposed to other kinds), he should start expanding the stable of tests.  The advantages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You get unit tests!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Volunteer gets introduced to the important nature of unit tests!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If volunteer is slow or gets stuck, it doesn't interfere with mainline development&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, as per other answers, you can beg off more training, as you have lost any slack in your schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T13:04:14.320" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T13:04:14.320" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6916" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:38:48.957" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you've identified that they want to be supportive, but are on uncharted territory, for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that is the case, there's probably little doubt that they are also keenly aware that they don't know what's the best terminology, what carries negative connotations, but it's not a natural thing to say, especially if you feel like your attitudes are somewhat &quot;enlightened,&quot; &quot;Hey, I'm basically pretty ignorant about the language and some of the issues.&quot; There might even be fear of judgment about them not bothering to get up to speed on their own, previously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should just say &quot;Hey, I realize that dealing with LGBT+ issues and personal interactions might be a bit new to you. Would it be okay if I help out with the accepted language and terminology? I'll be happy to answer questions about 'why' if there's any confusion, as well.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're self-conscious, then maybe they'll indicate they prefer you not do that. Most likely, they will appreciate your understanding and your help with making their good intentions reality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're addressed something they are probably also acutely aware of in a way that does not cast judgment on them - only acknowledges that they might not have a lot of experience. It's a pretty non-confrontational initiative, and it's you breaking the ice. If they're inclined to be receptive, I'd think this would be a pretty comfortable way, for them, to have this approached. You've also indicated a willingness to help them navigate the waters and explain issues that they might not have any perspective into, personally. I think that's all positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T16:38:48.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6916" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:46:24.907" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My question is, how do I correct some of these language problems&#xA;  without making them uncomfortable talking about these issues?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Perseverance&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perseverance is the only answer here.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you correct offensive remarks to people you care about &lt;strong&gt;when you hear them&lt;/strong&gt;.  If they care about you, they will not want to be ignorant or offensive, and will be happy to learn and make you more comfortable during the initial stages of coming out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you politely correct them when it happens, you eventually will eliminate it.  By not waiting, you are lessening the impact of making the correction.  If you let it bottle up and blow up on them for something they are not aware of, then it is much worse.  You will have to &lt;strong&gt;be patient with your loved ones&lt;/strong&gt; as they learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, &lt;em&gt;your friends and family will not want to be offensive or ignorant&lt;/em&gt;.  It will be on them to an extent to figure out what is right and wrong.  It will also be on you as well to help them, as they are joining you on this journey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T17:01:00.300" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T17:01:00.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6898" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:49:19.533" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, asking personal financial questions is generally considered rude, because that is kind of personal, with baggage, sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Are you renting or did you buy&quot; - that's a reasonable, more general inquiry.  If you are looking for more chit-chat ice-breakers, since they've recently moved in....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Where are you moving from?&quot; - which could naturally lead to a lot of other inquiries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't just grill them. Maybe state why you like living where you do &quot;Love the parks and the bike trails here. Do you bicycle at all?&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stay away from talking about exact dollars, either rent, jobs, or even items owned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T16:49:19.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6898" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:49:43.527" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Way I was raised (mostly in Southern &amp;amp; Western US) it is considered rude to ask questions like that, especially of people you're just barely getting to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are so many other topics you could raise (how do they like the area, where did they used to live, what do they do), seems pointlessly pushy to lead with price questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe later, after you've known them a while, you could bring the subject up indirectly... &quot;Hope you got a good deal&quot;, then letting them decide whether to follow up.  Some people &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; like to complain about how bad they got rooked.  ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note:  price talk can backfire.  Back (number) years ago, I got a small two bedroom apartment in San Francisco, after having lived elsewhere.  I complained to my co-workers about the price &quot;Can't believe I am paying (number) bucks for this tiny apartment!&quot; and they just stared at me in slack-jawed wonder, because unbeknownst to me, that price was a steal.  &quot;Are you out of your &lt;strong&gt;mind&lt;/strong&gt;?&quot; was the most temperate response out of many...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T16:49:43.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6898" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:53:50.867" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This can be very, &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; rude depending on the person who is renting.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the answers here seem to be forgetting that Section 8 and other housing-related laws exist, which allow certain people to have part of their rent paid for by the government, or allows them to have negotiated-lower prices if they fall into certain low-financial brackets, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, by asking one of these people how much they're paying for their apartment, you are kind of inherently asking them for their entire financial background, as the price they are paying &lt;em&gt;could be&lt;/em&gt; dependent on how much money they make or other financial problems they may not want to talk about in order to explain why they are paying that price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's... quite a loaded question for someone you just met.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not to say they might not disclose that situation to you in the future if you become friends, but upfront asking people how much they're paying can back them into a corner they don't want to be in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="24" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T16:53:50.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6916" CreationDate="2017-11-17T16:54:22.547" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;Re-learning how to communicate with people we have known for our whole lifetimes can be very complicated.  Sometimes their miscommunications might come from them not yet being comfortable addressing issues, pronouns, or sexuality that they have never once thought would be something that'd hit close to home for them.  Other times these miscommunications might come out of truly unintentional habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is brand new information (maybe they aren't using your preferred pronouns), maybe they just need reminded that things &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; changed. This could be done by just repeating your preferred pronouns/name whenever it's said incorrectly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this stage, &lt;strong&gt;try be patient and warm when making corrections&lt;/strong&gt;.  This will help your family members feel less awkward and guilty about their slip ups. &#xA;While it's really frustrating to hear these things, being hostile has the chance to only make it harder for them to see you as the new identity you want them to accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If things escalate into a territory in which you feel  that the mistakes aren't innocent slip-ups, but are instead intentional ignoring of your requests, I'd suggest, still politely, saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I don't feel comfortable hearing anyone call me 'X' anymore. I know this is a transition for you as well, but it's not my (name/pronouns/identity), and I want to only be called 'X' now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If even then you're still met with ignorance, I think the scope here becomes a much more in depth one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Edit to address posters comment&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OP described in a comment on my original answer that their issues is primarily in relation to dating trans people and family recognition of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My exact coming out to my parents was dating a trans woman. In my conservative family, it did not go well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per my advice above, I often reminded them to use my girlfriend's correct pronouns, but they were insistent on not referring to her in that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually, it came to me saying the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your incorrect usage of pronouns for someone very close to me is really uncomfortable, and even disrespectful, to me. If you continue to do this, I would rather you didn't speak to me at all about it until you're ready to make that effort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then had to stick to this. My mom would still say &quot;he&quot;, and I would dismiss myself from the area and not continue conversing. Eventually, she began using the correct pronouns (albeit with a begrudging tone).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone is different, but I would still try to apply my above advice to your personal situation, as I feel it can still be of general use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing else, saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you ignore using the correct pronouns to describe people I've had important life experiences with, it feels like you are invalidating parts of my life, and I don't want to feel like that when speaking to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;might help them realize even if it's not &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; they are speaking about, they are still impacting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T17:26:07.013" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T17:26:07.013" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6916" CreationDate="2017-11-17T17:04:47.690" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that's surprisingly helpful is laying out a framework for what someone should do when they make a mistake. For instance, when my friend came out to their family as non-binary, they explicitly told their family &quot;If you misgender me and you catch it, just correct yourself and move on. Don't apologize, don't make a big deal out of it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It helps the other person not feel so bad about mistakes while they're transitioning their use of pronouns. It also makes those mistakes less awkward for you, especially once they start self-correcting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5841" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T17:04:47.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6928" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6929" CreationDate="2017-11-17T17:34:59.187" Score="28" ViewCount="20149" Body="&lt;p&gt;I simply don't like video/voice calls. I feel I am not comfortable with them, except for emergencies. Most of my co-workers and friends try to convince me in a voice call, because text messaging is simply &quot;too slow&quot; for them (maybe because they're slow at typing and I'm not.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days ago, a friend asked me to explain a technical concept to him via phone. During the conversation, I lost the subject and began mumbling, which I think made him feel that I'm not familiar with the concept and that I lied to him about it; today I was told that he asked someone else about it again (which is kind of rude from my opinion).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I occasionally receive calls from strangers who want to order something or negotiate about project, work, school, etc. I don't want them to, because it's just simply difficult for me to talk via phone. However, I don't have any problems at all meeting with people and talking face-to-face to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how do I to tell people that I don't like answering my phone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9072" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T17:45:46.020" LastActivityDate="2019-11-29T07:05:39.397" Title="How to tell people that I don't like answering my phone?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6928" CreationDate="2017-11-17T17:49:38.153" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's someone you know fairly well, I would recommend politely saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd rather text/email. I'll be able to provide you with more details if I'm able to visually see my thoughts before giving them to you. If it's a hassle for you to write me about this, would you have time to meet up and talk about these things instead? That way I can give you my full attention when talking about this matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a stranger you've already answered the phone for, I would (and have) said something more along the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now isn't a good time for me, and I would prefer to respond to your inquiry by text or e-mail, as I could respond much faster and with greater detail on the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a stranger who &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to contact you by phone, use the above but omit the part about &quot;&lt;em&gt;Now isn't a good time for me&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These responses deflect anyone from trying to convince you to &lt;em&gt;enjoy talking on the phone&lt;/em&gt;, and instead refocus to you being able to provide a greater contribution to your interaction with them by communicating in a preferred way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T13:07:00.317" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T13:07:00.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6930" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-17T17:54:26.017" Score="2" ViewCount="1507" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm the best man at my best friend's Floridian destination wedding. We've been friends since middle school, and in general, we can confide in each other just about anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the course of the week (many of us came down early to make it a vacation), we've spent lots of time as a group, doing the whole Florida gamut - Disney, beaches, nightlife, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, during all of this, it's come to my attention that my friend's fiance isn't faithful to him. I've seen her flirting with other men when my friend wasnt around; at first I thought this was just friendly chit-chat, but one night, she attempted to get in bed with me, while my friend was still out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was done in no uncertain terms; she literally stated that she &quot;wanted to see how I performed in bed.&quot; In addition, I didn't smell any alcohol or anything, so I believe this was just her being her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, I refused. When I did, she became irritated, and stormed out. Since then, she's been practically glued to his side anytime I get close to him, and I haven't had the chance to pull him aside and confide in what happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my best friend, and I truly wish him happiness - but I feel that he needs to know his fiance's unfaithful behavior. It seems that he doesn't know right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unforutnately, it seems more and more likely that the only opportunity I'll have is at the wedding itself. &lt;strong&gt;When the priest asks &quot;if anyone knows any reason why these two should not be married&quot; (or whatever it is), should I object?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9074" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T18:00:30.713" Title="Should I object to my best friend's wedding?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;trust&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-11-17T18:07:33.747" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6930" CreationDate="2017-11-17T18:00:30.713" Score="8" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Should you tell your best friend&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably, especially if it's going to weigh on your conscience.  That being said, &lt;em&gt;be prepared for him to not accept what you're telling him&lt;/em&gt;.  Give him the information you have, and support however he chooses to act from that point on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Should you object at their wedding&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of how this will impact him.  This could be very harmful for him to discover while in front of all of his family and friends.  If you want to tell him, do whatever you possibly can to find a moment alone with him.  If you absolutely can't, minimize the amount of people that have to be present.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you have to bring it up in front of her and him together, it's better than bringing it up in front of her + wedding party + wedding guests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T18:00:30.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6933" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6928" CreationDate="2017-11-17T18:50:55.267" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am just like that myself: I absolutely dislike interacting with anybody over the phone,  because it denies me the crucial visual and emotional information provided by a face-to-face interaction. I feel unable to properly understand (and react to) the response of the person on the other end of the telephone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I would suggest that &lt;strong&gt;whether or not you can avoid phone calls depends heavily on the type of work you are engaged in, and the cultural expectations regarding over-the-phone interactions in your community.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was working for 2 years as a middle level official in public administration in my home town here in India, it was literally impossible for me to &lt;em&gt;avoid&lt;/em&gt; discussing work-related matters over the phone (mainly voice call) with hundreds of superiors, colleagues, acquaintances and the general public every single day including off-duty hours. My eventual refusal to answer the phone after 8pm out of sheer mental exhaustion was reported as a 'big crime' to unsympathetic superior officers. It was part of the reason I found myself unsuited for such work and eventually left that job. Note that there are no true emergencies in those branches of public administration where I was employed here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for any method to work, your type of work (and work-load) must be such, &lt;em&gt;and the people you interact with must be willing,&lt;/em&gt; to allow you to communicate with them mainly face-to-face, or alternatively by text message, using voice calls or video calls only in an emergency situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that it is possible and that people won't misunderstand your position, you can either answer the phone and request a direct meeting, or else 'not take the call and instead answer it with a text message.' In either case, &lt;strong&gt;make your preference clear&lt;/strong&gt;: as in,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not comfortable discussing such matters over the phone. So please meet me tomorrow to discuss this matter face to face, or tell me when and where I should meet you. If there is something you want me to know right now, please send me that information as a text message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One advantage of such an explanation is that you do not tell the other person that you dislike phone interactions &lt;em&gt;in general&lt;/em&gt; or why (I tend to tell my reasons only to  family members and close friends myself) -- so the co-worker or client is free to imagine that their matter is important enough to deserve a face-to-face meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do meet the person face to face, and anticipate many more such phone calls from them, you might find a good moment to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;tell them that you prefer face-to-face meetings as being the best way to interact with a valued person.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; However, your body language and overall sincerity must convince them that you are a good and earnest communicator, so that they would be willing to continue to interact with you face to face in future, in such situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T13:07:28.183" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T13:07:28.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6928" CreationDate="2017-11-17T19:41:07.887" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What should I do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realistically, ask yourself if you can imagine a basic aversion to answering calls eventually morphing into something broader, such as an &quot;inability&quot; to answer the calls because it makes you too anxious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I have gone through long periods where I was unable to answer my phone except for a few numbers. is it conceivable that you would simply refuse to answer a call for a future job interview, or from a girl you really like but are a little nervous around? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, then even if every part of you wants to do so, you should do the opposite of working out ways of avoiding speaking on the phone. It might seem like the best solution but you will not be doing yourself any favours and making it worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can afford it, I would also recommend that you contact a clinical psychologist for a session, not because it's anything serious, but because it sounds like something that would be very responsive to CBT e.g. graded exposure but if left unaddressed for 5 years, would be a lot harder to resolve and more likely to have caused you significant problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't afford it, then if you have good friends you might need to call in a favour of them and rig up some poor man's exposure therapy. Force yourself to answer calls. Then answer and talk for a minute. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;text messaging is simply &quot;too slow&quot; for them (maybe because they're slow at typing and I'm not.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you can type as fast as they speak, then rig up some interface that allows you to interact with voice callers via text, prepare for a thorough lack of tolerance and patience from others regarding this personal preference/quirk that you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8011" LastEditorUserId="8011" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T21:58:38.370" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T21:58:38.370" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6936" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6938" CreationDate="2017-11-17T20:51:24.143" Score="1" ViewCount="302" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently got married a few months ago and received a nice gift from an aunt and uncle. We sent them a thank you card. Unfortunately, we had the address wrong, and the card was returned to us in a mailbox my wife and I seldom check.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We would like to send them a new thank you card and apologize for the delay, however we're afraid that sticking the apology in the card may come across rudely, or leave them feeling unappreciated. In addition, we're seeing them in person this Thanksgiving, so we aren't sure if that's a better time to address this. Here's the idea of a card we might write:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear (aunt and uncle).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for the beautiful widget. blah blah blah (stuff about widget). Also, we are so sorry you're just now getting this card! We wrote the address wrong the first time, and it was returned to a mailbox we don't check. Thank you again so much, and we can't wait to see you for Thanksgiving!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(standard closing)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lord and Lady Farquaad&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wording isn't the significant part here. Mainly, I'm wondering if addressing the apology in the card like this is the correct approach. My wife and I have also considered the following options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Omitting an apology in the card, and offering one when we see them in person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To omit the apology in the card and not send it. When we see them this week, explain what happened and give them the card in person to &amp;quot;make sure they got it this time,&amp;quot; but this sort of defeats the purpose of a card...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's our best course of action here to make sure my aunt and uncle don't feel spurned? The gift is pretty nice, so they certainly deserve to feel recognized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T12:15:49.037" Title="How to address I'm sending a thank you card late" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6817" CreationDate="2017-11-17T20:59:28.097" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simiarly, I belong to a group for building brands, where the ages can be as low as 14. Being a designer myself (as a career), I've learned to take criticism and feedback as comments on my piece, not necessarily comments on my person. All of this took time, experience and confidence building, had over the years of college and on-the-job situations. Taking feedback/critique/criticism is a learned skill, and what could be you simply saying something looks off, could make the receiving person feel 'personally attacked.' Which causes a lash-out in most cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given this information, you can't get better if people don't point out flaws to help you, I generally avoid groups with a &amp;quot;be nice&amp;quot; rule because of this. I'd rather be told something sucks, with feedback, than get ego-tripped because I keep getting comments telling me something is good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Answer&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you're in the wrong here, I think people should be open to their faults and more receptive to feedback, especially if it's valid and based on facts/further information (ie: color theory or color mixing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel any group that oppresses these kinds of comments is not allowing their members to grow as artists/creatives. That being said, this does have a slight caveat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Caveat&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just like most situations, judge your surroundings, is this group for people who want to eventually make a living off their craft? Are they trying to be the best, or is it just a hobby? These groups will react differently depending on what they want, in example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Group 1: People serious about their craft&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Person 1: &amp;quot;You won't sell this design because of X, you should try Y&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is usually received by a &amp;quot;thanks for the feedback + either a defense of their design, or inquiring for more info/showing an updated version&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where as group 2, where it is just people doing it for hobby, the same comment could return a drastically different response. This is because, since they don't think of their craft as a 'business' you are not not attacking a 'creative entity(Think of a business)'. Now it comes across as you attacking someone's person/personal decisions they chose for their art.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;TL:DR;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's alright to give feedback, in fact it's better to be critical as it helps someone grow as an artist. However, you should be aware of the type of people in the group and what their goals are, as this will usually affect how they receive said feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7839" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T20:59:28.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6936" CreationDate="2017-11-17T21:24:30.000" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Should you send it?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a thank-you note, I've found that the value lies not just in the message but in the effort the sender put into it. It's easy for &amp;quot;Thank you&amp;quot; to be simply words; sending a nice card or well-written letter shows the recipient that your gratitude is genuine (if they doubted it at all). They've put effort into getting you a nice gift; you should ensure that you reciprocate in kind,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that they live quite far away might be an extra impetus to send the card. I managed to forget to send a thank-you card to a relative for a birthday present earlier this year. They live about seven hours away, and I was going to hopefully see them two or three weeks after I remembered to send the card. I see this relative maybe three times a year. I &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; have waited three weeks and just thanked them then. But a letter in the mailbox means something special, I think. It's nice to know that a loved one is thinking about you even when you're far away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your situation, the would-be recipients might not get the card before you see them at Thanksgiving (depending on the local postal service, and their travel schedule). In this case, you should certainly talk to them at Thanksgiving, even though you've (hopefully) sent the card. But the point of sending a card at all - showing the effort, and that you're thinking of them - still remains, even though they'll get it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, in this case, the message itself might not be as important as the symbolism of the card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I suppose you could actually make up the card and present it to them at Thanksgiving, with maybe a jocular comment along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We thought we'd give it to you in person, just to make sure it reaches you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's up to you, though. I don't think it's any better than simply sending the card by mail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The card itself&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Definitely keep the explanation - and probably the apology - in the card. I know I've said that it's the thought that really counts, but contents themselves also matter. An apology, even if it's duplicated at Thanksgiving, can't hurt. You obviously don't have to be overly effusive, but you still put it in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T21:24:30.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6939" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6928" CreationDate="2017-11-17T21:32:34.740" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Same here - I hate talking on the phone and I find it really easy to get distracted or lose track of the conversation. I like text formats because it's all clear and in front of me. This is a preference, though, and some people just as strongly prefer voice communication! The most common reason I've heard (besides the inconvenience of typing) is that you can read emotions better over voice. For example, something that is intended as a joke or sarcasm might not come across correctly in text, but be very obvious when said out loud. This is very important to some people, and they may feel that phone conversations are more personal and effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As with all relationships, being sensitive to other's needs and compromising where you can is best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A few days ago, a friend asked me to explain a technical concept to him via phone. During the conversation, I lost the subject and began mumbling, which I think made him feel that I'm not familiar with the concept and that I lied to him about it; today I was told that he asked someone else about it again (which is kind of rude from my opinion).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like you and your friend have different communication styles, rather than your friend intentionally being rude. For example, I would rather read a tutorial than watch a video of one, but that doesn't mean I think less of the guy who makes videos. Although it does hurt when a friend goes to someone else, try not to take this one personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it happens again over the phone and you would like to keep discussing with your friend, let your friend know you're aware of the communication problem and ask for another chance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(mumble mumble)... Oh geez, I know I'm probably not being very clear here. I tend to get distracted on the phone. It's easier for me to talk about this stuff (in person, over email) because that helps me keep track of my thoughts better - do you have some time later / would that work for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you and your friend can work out a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I occasionally receive calls from strangers who want to order something or negotiate about project, work, school, etc. I don't want them to, because it's just simply difficult for me to talk via phone. However, I don't have any problems at all meeting with people and talking face-to-face to them.&#xA;  What should I do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these situations, why not suggest that? Since they are strangers, they won't be aware of your preferences until you tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for your interest! I'd be happy to discuss this but phone really isn't the best way to reach me. My email address is op@example.com or if you'd prefer we could set up a meeting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on their situation, they can suggest which is better and you can go from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to tell the person you are on a time limit when you answer the phone (the limit being however long you can manage talking on the phone). Then when the time is up, thank them for the conversation and ask if you can follow up via email. Especially in workplace settings, people are understanding of time limits and follow-up emails are quite common, so this usually works well when a phone conversation gets too complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-11-17T21:32:34.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6940" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7073" CreationDate="2017-11-17T23:04:36.340" Score="7" ViewCount="972" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a cubicle farm.  Recently, someone who I believe may be a new employee moved into a cube a row away from mine.  I've not been introduced to him and we are antisocial engineers so I really don't know who he is.  All I know is that every day whenever he eats something he slurps and smacks and makes the loudest, most disgusting noises when he eats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't have a lunch room, so everyone eats at their desks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, I've just been putting on headphones.  But I personally do not like wearing my over the ear headphones while I myself am eating.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything I can do to get him to quit slurping?  Since I don't know him, passive aggressive responses are acceptable.  I don't have any friends in the immediate area, so saying something that the slurper can overhear is not really an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, it seems insincere to introduce myself only to ask him to stop not to mention I'm pretty awkward at new employee introductions anyway (again, antisocial engineer here).  However, if this is the best solution, how would you go about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6156" LastEditorUserId="6156" LastEditDate="2017-11-17T23:30:42.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T18:43:26.310" Title="How can I ask an unfamiliar coworker to eat more quietly?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6941" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-17T23:47:46.980" Score="3" ViewCount="988" Body="&lt;p&gt;The title may sound really strange, but the story is that my grandmother was diagnosed with liver cancer in China (Super early stage). Now, in China, it is up to the family member to tell the patient such info, so she does not know that she has cancer now. Instead, we told her that she had polyp. She even underwent a surgery and thought that it was to remove the polyp.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason we did this was that it happened to one of our elder member 10 years ago where that member (paternal great-grandmother) had cancer, she was all happy and positive (because we did not tell her that she had cancer, we replaced with some other illness). She was taking medicine on time and everything was fine. Until someone leaked that information to her and all of a sudden, she collapsed and died months later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After experiencing what mental strength can do to someone under these circumstances, my family has decided that we should keep this secret as long as possible for my grandmother. Now, she migrated to the US, and things got complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the US, when you translate information for the patient, the patient must be told everything. It is mandated by law, I believe (do correct me if I am wrong).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I am concerned that after knowing this truth, she will collapse. So I am wondering if there is a way to negotiate with doctor so that we don't have to tell her the truth...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worse case scenerio, if I have to tell, in what way can I make it as acceptable as I can?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9086" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T05:28:22.403" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T05:28:22.403" Title="How do I not tell my grandmother that she has cancer?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;china&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-11-18T13:01:34.077" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6928" CreationDate="2017-11-18T00:54:01.463" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a situation about negotiating expectations with people that you know and not giving your mobile number to people who does not need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, in my former job as soon they published my &lt;em&gt;private&lt;/em&gt; mobile number in a public listing &lt;em&gt;without my permission&lt;/em&gt;, I changed my number, and only a limited key people knew my private number. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also never ever give my mobile number to people who does not need to have it, and refuse to give it in stores when asked for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My workmates and my family also know I prefer and find less intrusive to have the daily interactions via text messaging, but once we want to discuss something more complicated or someone is not answering messaging &lt;em&gt;in a urgent situation&lt;/em&gt; we then resort to voice calls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work, if short messages we got it via texting (&quot;can we meet now? Can we reboot?...Want to go for a coffee?&quot;), if complex technical calls we do it over voice calls, and we only use video for meetings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously it was not all like that in the beginning at work. Some work on managing expectations and reaching compromises has to be done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I for instance made it clear to key co-workers I found phone calls intrusive in my private time, but that text chat would be fair game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, part of the game is cutting short contacts in the first place. It drove me to exhaustion engaging on vague multiple interview requests per week in LinkedIn, and was also affecting my job, nowadays I do no engage unless the scope of the job is well defined. This week also a job aquitance asked me for my WhatsApp after I gave him some clues about a work problem, I told him I did not have the time for voice talks, but would be happy to keep answering texts messages. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2019-01-24T08:54:21.057" LastActivityDate="2019-01-24T08:54:21.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6941" CreationDate="2017-11-18T00:59:45.103" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was trained as a medical professional myself, though I don't advertise the fact unless it is actually necessary, as here. In my experience, ladies including older ladies are mentally &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; stronger than we imagine, and not very likely to 'collapse' psychologically even on hearing that they have a life-threatening illness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They also tend to recover from the initial shock much better than men do. Indeed the &lt;a href=&quot;https://alumni.berkeley.edu/california-magazine/just-in/2015-04-30/survival-secrets-what-it-about-women-makes-them-more&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;resilience&lt;/a&gt; of women is well acknowledged worldwide. So, if it is not possible to keep it a secret from the patient according to US medical laws or treatment culture, then you should take courage and also get the treating doctor's expert help, to break the news gently to your grandmother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is customary in many countries for the doctor to inform the patient about the diagnosis in the presence of close family members. This is called &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=%22briefing+the+patient%22+diagnosis&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;“briefing the patient”&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;strong&gt;Doctors are specially trained to give bad or alarming news as constructively as possible to patients and their families.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must be sure to emphasise to your grandmother the fact that her illness was detected at an early stage and she has a very good chance of making a complete recovery. Also, give her as much time as she needs to internally come to terms with the shocking information, and be aware that she can be sad, withdrawn or uncommunicative during that period. You can encourage your family members to create a secure and supportive emotional atmosphere to help her face this major life challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-18T12:41:25.373" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T12:41:25.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5951" CreationDate="2017-11-18T01:11:09.900" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Such are the problems of handing cars to people who are financially irresponsible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually people do often forget the most difficult part of owning a car, is not buying it, but supporting the accruing costs of good maintenance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person who is not the owner, and/or a irresponsible one has often no interest on supporting those costs. They wont make regular maintenance and will delay &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; repairs, even essential ones as much as they can, as long as the car runs (or will make dodgy repairs) because: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is not their car - so &quot;not their responsibility&quot;.   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They do not want to lose time over it.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It implies they will have to foot the bill, which is their main goal to avoid.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They actually might also not have available the money for taking it to the mechanic.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Apparently&lt;/em&gt;, it does not seem an investment made on their behalf.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I have seen it happen in my extended family, even using parts from a scrap yard which were totally inadequate for the car).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, both of you are responsible, when the oil situation happened &lt;em&gt;both of you should have gone to the mechanic right away&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to negotiate a situation where your friend will pay half of a new car for you with a similar value, or simply paying half of the value of the old car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, as an old adage says &quot;you never lend to others your wife and your car&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Out of topic, extending the answer. Owning a car is &lt;em&gt;costly&lt;/em&gt;, I have been doing the math often:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider also all the costs of buying and owning a car (gas, insurance, taxes, repairs, proper maintenance), and balance it against not being able to drive it any more, remembering it hurts a car not driving it regularly over long distances. Depending on the country, the brand of the car, and the age, the cost of owning a car can be from 1.5k-4k yearly, and not factoring gas, you having available the money you paid for it, and the depreciation of the car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, for old and sick people who does not drive big distances regularly, it might a more cost wise decision to do the monthly grocery shopping online, use Uber/cabs, pay friends to drive them around or simply hire a car for the day for doing the odd long-distance trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T16:52:32.347" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T16:52:32.347" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="6946" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-18T02:10:39.560" Score="2" ViewCount="448" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner and I were recently invited as guests to a fairly prestigious event ($150/ticket) by someone we know. We aren't particularly close to this person, but would like to keep a relationship. Neither of us are very interested or comfortable at this type of event, but the offer seems very generous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we politely turn this down?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;**if it clarifies, they were our real estate agent&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9090" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-11-18T17:06:09.757" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T17:06:09.757" Title="How to turn down an invitation?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6947" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6880" CreationDate="2017-11-18T02:31:41.937" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My read of this situation is... lets say a bit cynical.  Out there, there is constantly the advice for new developers to get their names on pull requests as a way of enhancing their GitHub cred for prospective employers.  Looking out there on other sites, there is constant advice for new devs to join an open source project as a way to gain experience.  That experience comes at the cost of the time spent mentoring of the more senior devs on those projects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While yes, the junior dev is giving up their free time - I don't see it as such.  This is a junior dev who is getting free mentoring and resume building at the expense of a volunteer project run by you.  (In my opinion) the cost of mentoring on a volunteer project rarely worth the time unless the person is committed to the project and has a genuine interest in it beyond the GitHub cred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two paths to consider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mentor the junior dev.  You will continue to shepherd every commit and making sure that the material submitted is up to your standards for the project.  Your primary role in this is that of a mentor to ensure that both your project and the junior dev's commits to the project are what you are expecting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't mentor the junior dev.  Your time in volunteering for working on your project is just as valuable, if not more so, than his time.  There are likely many closing up shop in preparation to say &quot;its done&quot; and move on to another project.  Often these are tedious and boring tasks, but they still need to be done.  Things such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;documentation - have another person read through all of the text written and make sure it has the correct spelling, punctuation, grammar, formatting, and so on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;style cleanup - grab your favorite linter and run the code through it according to the style that you want.  Log all the style clean up items as issue per file to be cleaned up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;test writing - work on improving code coverage.  There are always tests to be written.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realize and remember that if there is a task that will take you 4h to do yourself, or 3h of your time and 8h of the junior dev time, there isn't much business / time sense in having the junior dev doing it unless you are taking into account the value of having the junior dev gain experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look into what each person (you and the junior dev) are getting out of the arrangement.  You are both volunteers. If there isn't something for a volunteer to do - that's ok. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9091" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T02:31:41.937" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6916" CreationDate="2017-11-18T02:37:09.537" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Remember that they have far less experience with the situation than you do. Things you might see as given, they have never thought about. And as an addition, they have no relatable experiences. So even when trying, they do not have the means to determine how you might feel about what they are saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as they have no way to live through your experiences, the only way for them to understand, is you telling them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, understanding should go both ways. The situation between you has changed, but don't view it as them having to deal with you. It's just as much a challenge for you to understand them as it is for them to understand you. Try to see why they are saying what they are saying and you will probably see that they are doing the same - trying to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So whatever you hear that sounds offending, just ask yourself, how would they know? They didn't gradually get into that situation learning to adapt on the way, they got there in a leap. So explain. And explain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And remember, they have every right to be annoyed by &lt;em&gt;a challenge abruptly brought into their life&lt;/em&gt;, just as much as you do. You'll have to get through that together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've presented them with a new social situation.&#xA;They are trying.&#xA;Don't expect proficiency from someone without experience. &#xA;Experience can, for them, only come from interacting with you and mistakes are a side effect of learning. Accept that and help them learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7470" LastEditorUserId="7470" LastEditDate="2017-11-18T02:59:09.927" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T02:59:09.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6949" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6946" CreationDate="2017-11-18T02:38:28.040" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As far as I know, the standard polite way to turn down an invitation is to pretend you have a scheduling conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, that sounds lovely, but we have other plans that night so we won't be able to make it. Thanks for the invitation though!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you would presumably be lying about having other plans... that shouldn't be a problem if you're okay with it. It's one of those little &quot;white lies&quot; people tell to smooth over social interaction, and the person inviting you is unlikely to inquire about the details, especially if this is happening in written communication rather than a face-to-face conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1920" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T02:38:28.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6953" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-18T11:25:26.867" Score="4" ViewCount="1092" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 15-year-old aromantic asexual (that's the closest description I could come up with anyway).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People at school say I'm really attractive; I've had four people ask me out in two weeks and my friends say that lots of people they know want to ask me out. As I am aromantic asexual, I am not at all interested in a relationship but I hate turning people down and I haven't found a good way of doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like people to know my sexuality but, as Jesse said, not that many people know what asexuality is and I don't want to bring up something that might be confusing in such a sensitive place, and if we're at all close they'll already know I'm not interested. I need to do it in a way that I don't feel like I'm hurting them more than I need to because the times I have done it saying &quot;I'm not interested in a relationship at the moment&quot;, I feel like they think there's something about &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; I don't like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, is there a way to let them know I'm not interested in a relationship without hurting them more than is necessary?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9100" LastEditorUserId="9100" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T20:39:39.463" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T20:39:39.463" Title="How can I turn down requests for a relationship without causing undue hurt?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;rejection&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6953" CreationDate="2017-11-18T11:57:26.820" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you tried:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No thanks, I'm not interested in a relationship right now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really is that simple. And it works no matter what the real reason you don't want a relationship with them, so you shouldn't be under any pressure to explain why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarity and simplicity are key when communicating. And that's about as clear and simple as it gets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T11:57:26.820" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6928" CreationDate="2017-11-18T12:12:06.180" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6929/217&quot;&gt;Jess K.'s answer&lt;/a&gt;, in that you should try to reframe the issue as &lt;em&gt;being able to provide more value to the person who is contacting you&lt;/em&gt; if the conversation is taken by some other media. You are much more likely to get &quot;buy-in&quot; from the other person if you frame it that way, than if you frame it as simply &quot;I don't want to talk on the phone&quot; (no matter how you phrase it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I'll offer a suggestion for those times when taking the conversation by other media simply isn't an option for one reason or another: &lt;strong&gt;Try using a &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; speakerphone or headset.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you still lose out on visual cues (just as you do when texting or e-mailing), a speakerphone or headset makes talking to someone on the phone &lt;em&gt;much more&lt;/em&gt; like sitting across a table from them simply because you are less &quot;on the phone&quot; and more just &quot;talking&quot; to the person in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to find talking on the phone awkward. However, after several years of basically being put in situations of &lt;em&gt;having&lt;/em&gt; to talk on the phone with people (both people I knew already, and strangers), it has gotten much less so. It's hard to tell exactly what made the biggest difference in this regard, but getting a good headset, and using it, certainly helped in my case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="217" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T12:12:06.180" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6953" CreationDate="2017-11-18T12:25:26.397" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best you can do is turn them down kindly by saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You seem like a really nice person but I'm not interested in you that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems as though most of these potential suitors are not that close friends, and since &quot;aromantic asexual&quot; is not a common household term then you risk them not understanding and getting offended if you reject them with that as the sole explanation. (I like what Rory said about clarity and simplicity) Its better to tell them the truth in the simplest way possible than to bring up something that might be confusing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; a close friend who has asked you out then they will be more willing to listen/understand, and its also more important for &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; that they do so. In this case I would sit down properly with them afterwards and explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However nicely you word it they will probably be upset, it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there. But entering a relationship you are uninterested in is wrong for a variety of other reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other way potential solution is to stop people asking you in the first place. This could be done by &quot;coming out&quot; and/or telling your friends preemptively that you are not interested in dating anyone at all. This isn't guaranteed and has a ton more variables about your situation so I won't go into detail, just thought it was worth noting as an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T13:01:16.337" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T13:01:16.337" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6946" CreationDate="2017-11-18T16:20:20.167" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If both of you are not interested in the event, just say so. Mention that you are not really into that kind of event, but would love to come if it were a &quot;insert some event here&quot;. Try to find an event that both you and your agent has similar interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, we are not a big fan of music concert, sorry. But I hear you are a big fan of &quot;the Cats&quot; (or whatever). Are you free next week? We would love to watch them together with you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By inviting you, it is most likely that your agent might be trying to improve relationship with you. You might want to &lt;strong&gt;reconsider&lt;/strong&gt; turning down the invitation for the relationship sake, if you really want to improve your relationship. However, &lt;strong&gt;do not feel obliged to accept&lt;/strong&gt;, if you really want to keep him at your arm's length.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might not putting too much hope if he's really just an acquaintance, and if he is offended by your decline, you really want to reconsider keeping relationship with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T16:20:20.167" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6963" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6817" CreationDate="2017-11-18T22:24:46.610" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you describe it, his standards deviate from the norm.  His notion that &lt;em&gt;all criticism is destructive criticism&lt;/em&gt; is plain wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's his forum, his press and his freedom of press, and he has a right to set any standard he pleases. But where he deviates from normal expectations, he needs to be clear about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fairest way to resolve it is to daylight it, and let a conversation follow.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Post a message on the forum asking what people think about constructive criticism -- ask them if they think that only unqualified kudos, thumbs up and awesome's should be acceptable here, or if people should be able to honestly ask for constructive criticism and receive it.  Keep the viewpoint totally positive, nothing to criticize. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make best effort to time it for when the &lt;a href=&quot;http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/mods-are-asleep&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;admin has left&lt;/a&gt;, and won't be back for awhile. That way the conversation is fully engaged before he joins, otherwise he'll just delete it on the spot.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The result of this conversation is that the mod will find his own constituency disagrees with him.  This will fundamentally alter the group in one of several ways.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;mod changes values to match the crowd. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you learn the unwritten rule has a reason you didn't know about, and maybe mod revises written rules. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;mod learns nothing, stands to viewpoint, but does so civilly, and now you know this is the &quot;approval-seeking suckup&quot; group.  Good to know. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;mod throws some sort of tantrum, e.g. deleting discussion, everyone knows he did that, and the reasonable people clear out. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;mod possibly /kicks you, but that conforms with what you would want anyway. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's another way to do it: create another group with a conduct code that seems more appropriate, and then invite people to also join it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2017-11-18T23:15:43.563" LastActivityDate="2017-11-18T23:15:43.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6898" CreationDate="2017-11-19T00:10:33.513" Score="1" Body="&lt;h3&gt;By simply saying “Hello!” to them each time you see them you are already ahead of the curve as far as neighborly friendliness goes. So don’t stress over the next steps. Let it just come naturally.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Two days in a row now we have both given each other friendly hellos and acknowledged one another's existence but not actually stopped to introduce ourselves. The worst type of faux-relationship you can have with someone is the one that consists of hellos without ever stopping to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don’t understand why you are tying yourself in knots over this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have new neighbors. Whoopee!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You say a cursory hello to them when you see them. Again, big whoop. We all do this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;But when you say “worst type of faux-relationship” hold it right there… You have exactly the relationship you should share at this point. You know who they are and they know who you are and you just say “Hey!”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have decided that I will not be that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then for the love of everything &lt;strong&gt;DO NOT&lt;/strong&gt; immediately pry about finances. You want to be a decent neighbor and do it in an appropriate way? Just say “Hello!” to them until a natural reason comes up to grow the relationship. Something like holding a door open or holding an elevator for them. Or something very casual. Do you have a common area in front of the building where people might hang out? Chat them up there!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look, if anyone immediately came to me and asked me my finances, my immediate response would be “None of your business!” and I would look at them as if they were &lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/129731/what-is-meant-by-the-slang-word-tool-when-used-to-refer-to-a-person&quot;&gt;tools&lt;/a&gt; and not want to deal with them past avoiding them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are just saying “Hello!” to them now, stop stressing… Just say “Hello!” You know how few people say “Hello!” to neighbors? More than you think so you are already ahead of the curve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T04:42:23.073" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T04:42:23.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1713" CreationDate="2017-11-19T03:01:09.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not just an issue with Americans. I am an American who enjoys speaking a number of other languages with native speakers of those languages, but the people I speak with often talk (a) too quickly for me to understand, (b) too quietly, or both. I'd like to think that if I were in the opposite position, I would prefer to adapt my way of speaking so that they wouldn't have to ask so many times. But it's hard to say. The speed and the volume with which a person speaks seem to be directly tied to their personality. As it happens, many of the people I speak with are gentle and a little shy. Unfortunately, that translates into their speaking quietly (even mumbling) and quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've gotten used to frequently asking these people to repeat themselves. It helps to say &quot;I didn't hear the beginning of that&quot; or &quot;I didn't hear the last word&quot; or to restate as much of the sentence as I thought I heard correctly. Fortunately, they don't seem to mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9114" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T03:01:09.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6967" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6880" CreationDate="2017-11-19T03:55:09.303" Score="0" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Tell them the truth, but stick to the facts.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be straightforward and honest and lay out the facts as you've presented them here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;With the benefit of hindsight now, you see that the amount of help they require is very time consuming. It has begun to hinder your own ability to do work on the project.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are winding the project down. You are approaching a point where you will no longer work on the project. Let them know the reasons for this. (E.g., maybe it is being superseded by a new project with better support/funding or there simply isn't much work left to do.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thank them for all the effort they've sunk into this project, and tell them you hope that the experience has been helpful for developing their abilities.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Possibly offer to help them find another project where they can continue to do development work, perhaps one more in line with their current level of skill.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that they might respond by asking if they could continue working without such close supervision. If it's feasible, you might consider intentionally taking a more hands off approach and then just reviewing their work when it's &lt;em&gt;done&lt;/em&gt; (e.g., as a pull request). It's up to you whether this is viable. If you can find a small change for them to implement, you might consider this. If you try it and it doesn't go well, you can show them specifically what's wrong with their work, and you might need to return back to this discussion about not having time and the project winding down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're firing them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't enjoy the project anymore because of them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're incompetent or anything else about their innate ability.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, it's better not to say everything you think and feel. Not because you are dishonest, but because you know your feelings and thoughts are not completely objective. Our judgements are sometimes clouded by our unfulfilled desires, so sometimes we keep our mouths shut about thoughts and feelings that we know aren't really valid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, there's some inherent risk that you might hurt their feelings. &lt;em&gt;Any&lt;/em&gt; approach here carries risks. Doing nothing risks you becoming frustrated and releasing it in an nonconstructive way, and lying or fudging the truth risks the other person finding out what really happened. Being honest has the virtue of trusting the other person to evaluate the situation themselves and come to see things as you do. The person can see you're not being unfair and that you're trying to approach the situation objectively. If they don't understand your point of view, it's okay to talk it out with them and explain; that isn't really possible if you aren't straightforward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you sense the other person starts doubting that your friendship will continue, make it clear that you want to continue it. How to do so is beyond the scope of this question, as it depends on specifics of how the other person responds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1562" LastEditorUserId="1562" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T04:06:36.267" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T04:06:36.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6882" CreationDate="2017-11-19T10:17:19.893" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This happened to me before, so here's how I handled it. Although my case was a bit different: my GF was driving my car and made a tiny scratch on someone else's brand new ride. We'll call this person &quot;X&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway. Since my GF was a penniless student and rather shy, I was handed the hot potato.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problem with insurance is: if I had handed the case to my insurance, my premiums would have increased. Thus it was more financially sound not to involve the insurance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get into a problem-solving mindset: take pictures of the bumper, search for shops who can do the job, email them the pictures, and get a quotation. After all, you break it, you fix it. It's your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also allows you to stay in control. For example, when this happened, X went to their usual garage which is known around here to milk people for the max amount of cash they can get away with. Of course, they wanted to replace the entire bumper, simply because it is the most profitable option for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I took X to a more honest shop where the guys simply did a nice paint and buff job for 1/4th the price of the first one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is really the take-home point here: you should take care of finding a shop and overseeing the repairs, not just because it's the right thing to do since you caused the damage, but also because you're the payer, so you should make sure you don't get gouged on the price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, it took a little bit of convincing. X grumbled at first. So I offered her options: I would either pay for the paint job... or I would pay for my GF's lawyer and grab some popcorn. That did the trick. In your case you have no such leverage, so the best would be to be nice and offer to help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T10:17:19.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6970" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6588" CreationDate="2017-11-19T10:30:03.460" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It happened to me before.&#xA;I usually try to act normal. I would not change sides, it sounds a bit too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am aware of the potential situation, so I usually keep a bit of a distance, but only if it does not inconvene me in any way - such as I'm not in a hurry and don't mind keeping a distance, which is normally the case in the middle of the night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is being aware of the potential for frightening the other person. If she acts frightened and nervous, try to stay away.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the modern, westernized world we live in, it makes no sense to change sides or to make significant efforts to keep our distance from a stranger just because they're a woman.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presumably, women know that most men are not stalking creeps, rapists, killers, I hope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4480" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T10:30:03.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6972" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-11-19T11:52:48.513" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T11:52:48.513" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T11:52:48.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6973" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-11-19T11:52:48.513" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in China, or Chinese culture." OwnerUserId="321" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T12:02:23.173" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T12:02:23.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6979" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6997" CreationDate="2017-11-19T16:25:07.930" Score="4" ViewCount="2856" Body="&lt;p&gt;I share a small room with my brother, and recently he got a desktop computer (he was using a laptop beforehand).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The room's layout is such that my table is right next to the door, while his table is on the other side of the room, directly opposite the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it was a new computer, he had to redownload all his games and programs. Initially he was using the computer's internal wifi card, and I suggested hooking up a LAN cable from outside temporarily to download his games quicker. I now regret it, because he now insists on leaving the LAN cable connected to his computer permanently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This brings up a number of issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The LAN cable runs from the living room all the way to my room. It is not hooked to the wall or the ceiling, just trailed on the floor without being secured in any way. This is a tripping hazard for people walking in the corridor outside.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The cable is led into my room by jamming it through the gap between the sides of the door. More often than not, opening/closing the door will result in the door being jammed since it is not a flat LAN cable. We turn on the A/C at night and leave the door closed, so every time someone enters/exits the room the door gets jammed pretty often.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My work table is next to the door, and when I pull out my chair to sit down / get up, it runs over the LAN cable, and jams the wheels of the chair as well. This has forced me to sit in an awkward way where my chair and body is facing in a slant direction towards the table in order to avoid the cable, which is not very comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;There is only one bedframe for one person to sleep, and every night at bedtime someone (usually me) has to move a mattress from another room into my room for the other person to sleep. The cables running from outside complicate this a little because I have to lift / toss it around to avoid snagging the cables. Previously I could simply push/drag it along the floor as there was nothing blocking the way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried repeatedly to convince him to unplug it and just use wifi, but he seems pretty damn adamant about it. Here's what I tried - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask multiple times, with increasing exasperation each time, &quot;Please unplug the LAN cable and just use wifi.&quot;. He either says &quot;later&quot; nonchalantly or ignores me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reason with the reasons stated above to convince him. Ignored or retorted with &quot;how do you even jam the door like that??&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reason that his in game ping is not going to be affected by a noticeable amount. Not convinced.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Compromise with a suggestion - &quot;If you really want a LAN cable, drill a hole in the wall and install a network switch, &lt;em&gt;please&lt;/em&gt;.&quot; Ignored.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only option I have left is just unplug the cable while he isn't home but I really fear this would lead to conflict. Since young he always had power over me and I really can't do anything if he remains stubborn about a particular issue. But this is one issue that is causing me considerable amounts of inconvenience that I can't just let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9135" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T16:45:18.077" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T01:45:19.103" Title="How can I convince my roommate to switch from a wired connection to wifi?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="16" ClosedDate="2017-11-25T11:36:36.073" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6980" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1713" CreationDate="2017-11-19T17:14:25.663" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try repeating back to the speaker, paraphrasing only the bits you did understand.For the bits you didn't get, substitute with something obviously wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Ihaddainsufishsishishintlunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: You went fishing at lunch?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: No! Sorry! I had an in-suff-icient lunch!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may drive home to them just how ambiguous their fast speech is. But paraphrasing back is a good way to make sure you've heard the right message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's common to mock English speakers for yelling at non-native speakers. What's going on, I think, is that it's hard to articulate clearly at low volume, because it takes more energy to form sounds more precisely. So for many people clearer speech may need to come with increased loudness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1687" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T17:14:25.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6982" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6996" CreationDate="2017-11-19T18:35:13.790" Score="17" ViewCount="2603" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to be a nice dad, and not have to yell at them to get off their computers. I asked them 2 times already, and they reply &quot;Not right now, dad&quot;.&#xA;They are on it for about 8 hours a day, and that really concerns me. . One Girl:12 and One Boy: 10. They are playing GTA V non stop since their mom got them that. (They're mature enough to play the game, and some parts are blocked through parental controls.  The problem isn't the game but the amount of time they spend on the computer.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell my kids to get of the computer right now, without being rude? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And at dinner, I can't have a conversation with them. Even when they are off of it, it's awkward for what to ask them. I live with them, yet, I don't even know them all that well. They're super distant around everyone else. Their mother has this problem too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in the US (Illinois).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9141" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T02:19:07.097" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T03:29:04.633" Title="How do I tell my kids it's time to get off of the computer?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6984" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-19T20:31:59.873" Score="2" ViewCount="1966" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a male in my mid-twenties. A female friend of mine sent me a text saying that one of her friends (female) came across my profile and thought that I'm &quot;really cute&quot;. I joked around with my friend for a bit and then she sent me a link to her friend's FB profile, suggesting that I add her and get to know her because she wanted to get to know me. For context, she's also in her mid-twenties but in college (I've finished school and work at least full-time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I added her and by the end of the night, and after a little flirting, we exchanged phone numbers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been about a week since then and it has been nonstop &quot;texting tag&quot; (think &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phone_tag&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;phone tag&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt; but with texting). The thing is, I understand being busy and not breaking up the time to text someone back. Especially in early stages of getting to know someone, you dont want to seem clingy and strangers aren't a priority. In general, I don't text friends during work hours, while at the gym, doing errands, etc. But when I settle in after work or the gym, with Netflix or some other menial task going, I'll proactively engage in texting buddies back and having texting conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I text her, I won't get a text for a few hours. Examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Text her (9:00PM) : Response (11:30PM) (2.5 hrs)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Text her (7:00AM) : Response (10:45AM) (3.75 hrs)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Text her (11AM): Response (7:00PM)     (8 hrs)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Text her (7:05PM): Response (11PM)     (4 hrs)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's like at least 2 hours need to pass before I'll get a response, regardless of the time of day I text her. I'd have asked her out for a simple coffee or lunch but she lives a few hours away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I proposed that we have a chat on the phone, if she'd be up for it. She sent smily faces and we both agreed on Thursday night. Thursday night rolls around and she apologizes to say that she's out with friends and then asked when I'd be asleep. I replied that &quot;It's no big deal. I go to bed around 11PM&quot;, and that she can call whenever. 10:30PM rolls around and she texts me to say that she's tired and going to sleep. She then asks when would be a better day for her to call. I told her no worries and said she could just call whenever is convenient for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She hasn't offered up an alternative time to call or called me back, it's been a few days (including the weekend, a great time to call someone!). My experience and intuition tells me that she's either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Playing games.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Trying to seem non-clingy by having dramatically long average response times of essentially half a day.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not interested.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not insulted, and as a proactive individual I understand that people get busy, but it's been my experience that when people are sincerely interested in someone, they'll actively keep communication and make a slight effort to reach out. I know that I always make sure, regardless of my busy schedule, to make a woman know that I'm interested and that she's got my attention. I'm not saying texting back every hour on the hour, but at some point in the day, like before bed, holding a conversation over texts for at least 15-20 minutes. She's definitely flirting with me, lots of good signs in her texts, but in past similar situations, I've been patient with girls like this for weeks just to find myself in the friend zone situation and things fizzling out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are my expectations too high? Am I reading things wrong? Should I make a joke about the reply times in order to see what's up with her? Should I keep engaging in texting her and hoping she'll take the time to call me? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9143" LastEditorUserId="9143" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T20:51:39.537" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T23:33:27.407" Title="Long Response Times Before Texting Back" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;texting&gt;&lt;online-relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="10" ClosedDate="2017-11-20T00:00:56.203" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6985" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-19T20:38:47.710" Score="6" ViewCount="568" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been living with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now.&#xA;About once or twice a month, my Mum wants to visit or meet up somewhere.&#xA;I don't mind doing this occasionally (say 6 times a year), but she has a habit of asking all the time.&#xA;If I say I'm busy, she asks about the next day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I are quite introverted and don't much enjoy social interaction with anyone.&#xA;I have tried to explain this to my Mum, and she seemed to understand, but the behavior hasn't changed.&#xA;She is a very social person, and I think she may not understand how draining social interactions can be for some people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I (and my girlfriend) don't have anything against my Mum, I just would like her to be  less insistent about frequent visits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does anyone have advice on letting my Mum know that, while I want to see her, it's not very often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9144" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T03:53:38.423" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T20:37:35.407" Title="How to politely minimise frequency of Mum's requests for visiting" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6988" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6985" CreationDate="2017-11-19T21:46:05.763" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your mother wants to see you only because she loves you. I had that issue before but fixed it by saying this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mum, thank you for caring about me by visiting a lot. Sometimes I need time with me and my girlfriend. I love you, but I also love spending time by myself. I hope you understand that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try saying it in person, to explain better.&#xA;You could come up with times each month when she can visit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt; This should work. If not, leave a comment and I'll come up with a better answer! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9141" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T16:07:53.870" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T16:07:53.870" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6989" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="6998" CreationDate="2017-11-19T22:16:58.577" Score="3" ViewCount="1478" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My&lt;/strong&gt; handyman and his crew came in, to fix a leak, and to replace our toilet. &#xA;At the start, they did a fantastic job. But then, our kitchen was closed for a month. After they left, our toilet exploded. They came in to fix it, but then it started to leak when they left. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell them that they did a bad job, without offending anyone? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9141" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T13:01:18.473" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T08:01:52.757" Title="How do I tell my handyman and his crew that they did a bad job?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6984" CreationDate="2017-11-19T23:20:40.490" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The behaviour you describe appears to be gentle push-back, that is she wants to reduce how often she talks with you but without making a confrontation about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could mean she is not that interested in you, or it could mean that she felt a little overwhelmed or controlled by the level of contact.  Either way, it's not the sign of someone totally into you, as usually they would be very eager to be texting as much as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So take that for what it is: some guy's opinion on the internet, but it might be wise to try and take your mind off it a bit by treating yourself to things you enjoy doing alone for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you confront her about it she may tell you a truth that you may not like.  Or you may not get a straight answer, leaving you no wiser.  It's probably unnecessary but I can understand why you may want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastEditorUserId="8884" LastEditDate="2017-11-19T23:33:27.407" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T23:33:27.407" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6991" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6810" CreationDate="2017-11-19T23:29:20.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few thoughts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Even if you are not speeding, try driving slower past there, out of respect.  What does it cost you?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you strongly feel that you don't want to do that, you could consider going a different route.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mothers worry about their children's safety, that's pretty normal.  But they could get quite upset if you got defensive or confrontational about it, because to them you'd be the guy getting angry about having to be careful not to harm her kids.  Don't be that guy.  General rule of interpersonal skills is don't escalate hostility.  This applies even when the other person seems unreasonable (in fact that's the common case).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to be understanding and assure them that you take care, or just avoid them if you'd rather, or if it becomes clear the former approach isn't going to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T23:29:20.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6810" CreationDate="2017-11-19T23:41:54.397" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe you are speeding. You said 'I always go 20 mph', this may seem very slow when you are in a car, and were going 80 before, but when you are standing still and someone drives past you with that speed it seems very fast. A speed limit is the maximum speed you are allowed to drive somewhere &lt;em&gt;if circumstances allow it&lt;/em&gt;.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Children have the right to play there, and you have to make sure they are safe. You should expect them to do something crazy like run on to the road from behind a parked a car, and you should still easily be able to stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also keep in mind that many parents are a bit over-protective when it comes to their children. Slow down to about 5 mph when you get close to them, and they will probably be reassured and give you a friendly wave the next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastActivityDate="2017-11-19T23:41:54.397" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6940" CreationDate="2017-11-20T00:15:47.300" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; would go up to him, and say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, sir. Can you please quite down a little bit with your eating? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he gets offended, say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just am trying to do some work, and it's too loud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say that in any way you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9141" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T18:43:26.310" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T18:43:26.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6994" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6979" CreationDate="2017-11-20T01:59:12.947" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all an IT solution may be possible.   Consider using a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power-line_communication&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Powerline network adapter set&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've used those myself and it may be an option in your case.  They don't require any physical alteration to the property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said your situation is one that depends on your ages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If &lt;em&gt;either&lt;/em&gt; of you are minors then whether or not the cable is allowed is a decision that needs to be made by the relevant legal guardian(s) ( usually parents ).  So in that case you present your case to the &quot;authorities&quot; and &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; decide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are both adults&lt;/strong&gt; then I'd suggest this :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The only option I have left is just unplug the cable while he isn't home but I really fear this would lead to conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always plug it back in when he's back home.  However this will eventually lead to conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But sometimes the conflict is necessary.  Avoiding it doesn't fix the problem and your brother seems to exploit this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since young he always had power over me and I really can't do anything if he remains stubborn about a particular issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps it's time you started being stubborn too. :-)  He is just using your reluctance to confront him.  Remember that this was supposed to be a temporary measure, and you are both past that now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What will eventually happen, whether either of you wants it or not, is that someone will trip on this cable and his precious computer will likely get yanked violently in the process - this I've had happen myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it's really in his interests to deal with this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this argument fails, then you have been reasonable and, honestly, I'd suggest you just take the cable out at the router end.  It's a hazard and a considerable inconvenience and it was supposed to be temporary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest the Powerline is a potential compromise, but my gut feeling is that he'll refuse this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that happens then every time he puts in the cable, take it out at the router.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, this may result in a bloody great row.  Have it.  I think you need to draw a line on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that you can let him scream the place down - just take no notice.  Just say calmly that you've explained the problems many times and as he won't act responsibly, then you'll have to keep doing this.  Don't get involved in a major discussion, don't enter a debate.  Tell him to find a solution that works for both of you or you'll be just as stubborn as he is about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This cable is not &lt;em&gt;needed&lt;/em&gt;, it's just &lt;em&gt;wanted&lt;/em&gt;.  On the other hand the safety and inconvenience are issues that &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; fixing, not just &quot;wants&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T01:59:12.947" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6995" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6982" CreationDate="2017-11-20T03:55:32.070" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to be the least cool person in town.  Then I moved.  Now I'm the least cool person in the new town.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're the father.  It's our job as parents to set standards and consequences.  That doesn't mean declaring fascism, but it does mean that we are the person in charge.  I set the expectation with my kids that I would tell them something once; if I had to tell them again that was one time too often.  That doesn't mean that I was excessively harsh with them or applied strong discipline - I sometimes just needed to say &quot;I've already asked you to do this one time.  Please don't make me ask again.&quot;  Now that yours are older, this will be harder to do but it is still possible, I believe.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a couple things that can be done here.  One is to set time limits per day.  &quot;You are allowed to play until 7 at night.  After then, I come and turn off computers.&quot;  You do that a couple times, and then they realize you are serious.  Another is to set expectations that computer time is only for when chores are accomplished.  Also, modern kids are really into technology.  If you want them off their computers, I'd recommend finding something for them to do.  Play family games.  Take up archery.  Kick a soccer ball around. &#xA; Visit local museums, parks, and such.  Take them with running errands. Do chores with them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise you'll have a lot of complaining and sneaking to contend with. Also, talk to them.  Explain what's going on.  Don't just set rules - explain to them what the rules are and why they exist.  Allow for some negotiation, as long as it doesn't devolve into their trying to be young lawyers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can be nice but still apply discipline.  If kids know what's going to happen and then see it happen consistently, they actually appreciate that.  They may not like it, but they do seem to fare better when they know the rules and what is expected of them. When rules are applied inconsistently or at random, that's when your relationship will suffer.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, we as parents are NOT our kids' friend.  We love them and they love us.  Their friends are at school.  Our job is to teach them to be adults without us and guide them through this journey of growth that we have already done.  Sorry if that seems harsh, but too many parents these days seem to focused on being friends with their kids and do not teach them how to be respectful competent adults who can understand limits and responsibility.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dinner times are sometimes going to be awkward as they approach puberty.  That's normal.  They don't hate you; they are just figuring out how to interact with you.  They are starting to see themselves as equals and want to push that limit as well as start separating themselves from you. The next 5 years will have a lot of arguments, heartache, joy, pride, and stuff you can never plan for. But on the other side, it gets really rewarding once again.  It requires patience on your side.  You can and will get through it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T04:12:08.630" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T04:12:08.630" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6982" CreationDate="2017-11-20T04:11:17.043" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;Inform them when to stop playing &lt;strong&gt;beforehand.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a gamer myself, I find that it's frustrating to be told to stop &lt;em&gt;right now.&lt;/em&gt; Some games cannot be stopped immediately, especially online games. And some goes so far as &lt;strong&gt;cannot be paused&lt;/strong&gt; immediately. I'm talking about &lt;em&gt;Dota 2, LoL, Overwatch, Counter-Strike Online, and other MOBA-genre games.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Establish a schedule when they need to stop playing. Tell them they can use the computer until 8 PM (or 10 PM), or 2 hours max a day.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they play online multiplayer games, ask them how long is the typical duration of a single game. For DotA 2, it takes approximately 60 minutes for a single game session (finding match - finish match).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Before they need to stop, remind them that they need to stop in x minutes. If you know they are a fan of online multiplayer games, tell them 60 minutes before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's already 9 PM. Remember you need to get off the computer in 10 PM sharp.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need your help to do X. Can you help me now? Or 15 minutes later?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reminder can be set using alarm, but the hard part is establishing the habit. I recommend the parents take a turn to remind the kids, then slowly transition to alarms, then just clock. It's important to give trust to your kids after they showed that they can be trusted to stop when it is needed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Educate your kid to differentiate between what can be postponed and what needs to be done &lt;strong&gt;NOW&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If a fire breaks out in your home, stop playing right now &lt;em&gt;at all cost&lt;/em&gt; and extinguish it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If someone is injured, stop playing right now.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they have responsibility in the morning (school, work), ask them to moderate their sleeping hour.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be lenient. I've played a session where the game dragged out to well past 60 minutes. &lt;strong&gt;Let them finish that game&lt;/strong&gt; before asking them to stop. They will be grateful to you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is based from my experience battling with frustration with my parents for 5 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister has used this to moderate the time her babies playing tablet. They (with her husband) let them to play until the battery runs out. If they need to get them off the tablet, they tell them they have 5 minutes left, pointing at the clock. After 5 minutes, they ask them to stop. Earlier, they sighed and threw a tantrum, but after being reminded that they've been told before, they can accept it. Now, after being reminded the second time, they immediately shut it off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T04:11:17.043" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6979" CreationDate="2017-11-20T05:55:58.760" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This problem is not inconveniencing your brother, and he has shown to be disinclined to alter his behavior due to the inconvenience to you.  It is possible that convincing him of the scope of the inconvenience on your part might change his mind (&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/5873/co-tenants-set-up-an-inflatable-pool-outside-my-window-its-now-breeding-bugs&quot;&gt;here is an excellent example of a problem that was resolved that way&lt;/a&gt;), but given what you've said so far it does not seem likely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your brother is only going to alter his behavior to his own benefit, your only options are to &lt;strong&gt;alter the situation so that it begins to inconvenience him, or remove his ability to maintain the status quo.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either of those options is going to bring you into conflict with your brother, unless you can effect the change without your brother knowing that you caused it.  StephenG suggested a way in which the current setup is already a potential inconvenience (a tripping hazard is also a yanking hazard) - making this potential inconvenience a reality may convince him.  Or it might not, in which case a more direct confrontation may be needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T05:55:58.760" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6989" CreationDate="2017-11-20T06:01:59.353" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've done a fair bit of &quot;handyman&quot; work, drywall, plumbing, painting, new construction, remodeling, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last thing you want to tell a blue collar person is that they're bad at their job. People take pride in their work, even when that work includes fixing toilets. Sometimes particularly when their work includes fixing toilets... The dirtier and more unpleasant the job, the more likely people are going to be insulted that you're telling then they didn't do it right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to keep in mind that sometimes things happen on a job and no one is really at fault, or at least the poor guy who did the work isn't really at fault. Parts fail, foundations shift and break pipes, and sometimes the thing that they fixed isn't even what's broken now, it's the thing they attached the new thing to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your profile makes it look like you write code, I'm sure you've had times where you've had to fix or patch someone else's horrifying spaghetti code. Trade work that isn't brand new construction is very often like that. You open a wall or a pipe and have to deal with whatever crazy nonsense the last person did and try to make it functional. Sometimes the last person knew what they were doing, but very often with older buildings they didn't know what they were doing or you're working with a patch on a patch on a patch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind you probably wouldn't want to hear &quot;you're a bad programmer&quot; or even &quot;you did a bad job&quot; you'd want to hear &quot;hey, it's throwing this error can you fix it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to understand that trade work isn't pleasant and it often doesn't pay well. At least when you're writing code people think you're smart... And honestly debugging a building is sometimes much more difficult and there's almost never any documentation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all that out of the way...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will be times where someone honestly did just screw up. Sometimes you may have picked the cheapest contractor and they're the cheapest for a reason. It's worth noting that, like anything else, you get what you pay for...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these cases it can be appropriate to call them up and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I payed you to fix this and it's not fixed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But tread carefully there. Did you really pay a professional for professional work, or did you pay an amateur for amateur work? If it's the latter that's kinda on you. If it's the former they'll usually go out of their way to make it right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T13:01:42.607" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T13:01:42.607" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="6999" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7004" CreationDate="2017-11-20T07:53:47.577" Score="29" ViewCount="8994" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I moved to Graz a couple of months ago I took a room in a shared flat with three other people. About a month after that one of them decided to leave, because she wanted to move to a friend of hers about 500m away from us. She looked for new people and we interviewed a few and found a really awesome person, who is living with us for about a month now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything is fine except that the ex-flatmate still got a couch and several other pieces of furniture still in our flat. The plan was that she would take the stuff out about a week later. By now this should have been two weeks ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of that she had the flat account(bank) onto which we all put money and she gave it to the landlord. She also paid our heating and electricity provider. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the problem is that we simply cant reach out to her. She is like dead. We all write her, or call her and she sees it, according to WhatsApp, but she simply does not reply. She also said two weeks ago that she tries but can't reach our landlord to tell them everything new. However, one of us called the landlord last week and reached him on the first attempt, just for us to hear that the rent for this month hasn't been paid, even though we all already gave the money to our ex-flatmate! They also told that they do not even know that she moved out or that we already have had a new flatmate for a MONTH now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are really angry now and yesterday for the first time I wrote directly and honestly a huge message to her explaining all her faults and that something like that CANNOT happen and is unacceptable. And she read it but still does not reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question now: What other approaches can we as flatmates do to resolve this? To reach her and get her to come to us, as she also needs to sign stuff. And what should we do if the person simply does not react at all? What CAN we do? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is pretty tricky as it is really important to get her furniture out and more importantly that we get her to pay the rent and to transfer who pays our heating and electricity provider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My main goal is to interact with the person to be more cooperative. I thought that being direct and maybe a bit aggressive will rattle her out of it but that didn't seem to work. How should we approach her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Clarifications&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We of course already made another bank account from which all further payments will go. The only problem is the money we ALREADY gave her for this month, and that electricity heating and internet runs on her name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually yes money is a very important topic in the story, but as we know her and actually don't expect her to steal our money (she lived for 1,5 years with some of them and was actually always a nice person). We are just confused why she would play dead and get her to get in contact with us. We also have no obligations to take legal actions against her. Only if its really necessary but we really don't think that this will be the case, because as mentioned earlier, she was always a nice person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Solution&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have not yet taken any action because I wanted to wait to see some answers before taking further action. But as of now she contacted me back after my rather direct last message yesterday. She apologized and stated that she had in fact personal problems and that she is willing to meet up this week and that she paid our landlord today. Problem seems solved for now and I must give problems to all those that thought of the person may be having personal problems.&#xA;Might have been wiser for me to approach this differently as I know how it is when being knee deep in problems. I will read all answers again and mark this one as solution that was closest to the matter at hand, and which gave me the most insight on how to solve something like this in general.&#xA;Thank all of you for your helpful and insightful answers and comments!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T15:31:22.477" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T21:03:10.183" Title="How to manage an ex-flatmate who refuses any communication at all?" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;austria&gt;&lt;flatmates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6817" CreationDate="2017-11-20T08:12:13.107" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You were right, the moderator is an *** on a power trip. I say that so rudely to make it clear and unambiguous. It is, unfortunately, quite common and well-known that people get some kind of high as soon as you give them moderator privileges or some other kind of power over other people, especially on the Internet where their accountability is reduced. I have seen this happen again and again, including on several forums that I run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both from what you describe and from the reaction of the original poster, it seems clear that you behaved properly. The reason for removal and for the rudeness towards you is not in you, but in the moderator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the moderator is the owner or admin of that forum, I suggest you pack your things and move elsewhere. You will clash again. Once these jerks identify a victim, they pile it on. If he is one of several moderators, working for the group or for an owner, bring his behaviour to the attention of those who can take away his moderator privileges. Harpers approach is another, slightly more aggressive, version of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="3375" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T21:57:15.000" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T21:57:15.000" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6737" CreationDate="2017-11-20T08:20:02.133" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the name is truly hard to pronounce correcly consider asking her if there is another name she wouldn't mind going by. I have a friend named &quot;Shiaw Jia&quot; (first name). It's a Chinese name and I feel like I can never say it correctly so I'd just avoided ever using it. Then at a party I heard lots of of friends calling her S.J. so now I call her S.J.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I have a friend Diana pronounced &quot;Dee aw naw&quot; not the more common (at least in the USA) &quot;Die ann nah&quot;. Her name is not &quot;Die ann nah&quot; period. Sure she lets new people off the hook but a friend referring to her as &quot;Die ann ah&quot; would be no better than calling her &quot;Jim&quot;. &quot;Die ann nah&quot; is not her name, period, full stop. It's seriously disrespectful to call her by the wrong name if you know her real name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To the OP, maybe this lady should start introducing you as &quot;Uud Plunkt&quot;. See how you like being called and or introduced incorrectly. &quot;Hello, I'd like to introduce you to my colleague, Mr. Uud Plunkt. He's got a special talent for not being able to remember people's real names&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3783" LastEditorUserId="3783" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T09:19:21.000" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T09:19:21.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6999" CreationDate="2017-11-20T09:05:03.593" Score="29" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Furniture&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forget about the furniture. It is the least of your problems. It is hers; she doesn't seem to be interested in getting them, so either keep them yourself or throw them away. You tried to contact her for them, she didn't respond. Done. It is their responsibility to care for their items. You are not a storage facility for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The bank account&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a big(ger) issue. Until you manage to contact her, consider the money gone. And consider the bank account gone. Stop putting money on there, and stop expecting bills to be paid from there. Contact your electricity and telecom providers and your landlord that you will be paying from another account. This way at least you're not relying on being able to contact her and get her to pay for future bills, and these won't be affected anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her name is the only name connected to the bank account, it is unlikely that the bank will be any help. If your name &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; connected to the bank account, call them to see if they can help recover the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Contacting her&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, this post has been about what you should do in case you cannot contact her. I think it is important to be prepared for this. It seems to me like she isn't afraid of burning bridges, given that she has been ignoring you so far and left on a whim. She has little to gain by contacting you. From your question it is clear that the tone has been pretty confrontational. This doesn't help at all either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The route to take depends a bit on what you deem important here. If you just care about tying up the loose ends, getting the money and the bank account back and be done with it, you can be a lot more confrontational in your approach than if you want to remain on good terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, contacting her through direct messages have been largely ineffective; they are easy to ignore. Since they still live closeby, it might be worthwhile to just seek her out. Take care not to harass her, you still want to get something from her after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't work, you're mostly out of luck. You could, as a last resort, try to contact the police for theft, but I am not sure if they can be of any help. As @TomBowen pointed out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regarding reporting her for theft, while the police might not be able to help, a small claims court probably would be. She took money to pay for the rent and bills, and failed to do so. That is theft and a small claims court would be the way to proceed. Contact a lawyer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I am not a lawyer, so if you wish to take this route, please contact one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, to make up for the damage, you could try to sell the furniture and hope that covers it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to remain on good terms, it is important to stop being confrontational in your messages. A big essay in a PM doesn't look inviting; it only creates animosity. If they continue to ignore you, you might be able to establish contact through one of their friends or current roommates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is difficult. You can't force someone to communicate to you, even more so that you can't force someone to do something. And you want to do both. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T10:37:04.157" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T10:37:04.157" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7005" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6999" CreationDate="2017-11-20T09:19:36.333" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also live with multiple people in a shared space so I can somewhat relate to your situation. One of my ex-roommates was also very lax when it came to communications and money so I know what a pain in can be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The furniture&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend checking the rental agreement. When I signed for my room I also agreed to remove everything from it when I move. You might have a similar clause in the contract and your landlord can hold her accountable. I even have to remove things like carpet. When my previous roommate did not do this when he moved, my landlord took out the carpet and send him the check with the costs of removing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is giving her an ultimatum. If she hasn't picked up her stuff in &lt;em&gt;x&lt;/em&gt; weeks/days, you will donate it to the thrift store for example. In my honest opinion she forfeited the ownership of these items since it has been weeks and she made no attempt to collect them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The money&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, make a new bank account for your flat so she is out of the loop. I also would recommend checking out the legality of her taking your money and not paying the bills. I can't say if it's the same for Austria but where I live (Netherlands) some lawyers have certain hours where you can get legal advise for free. He/She might tell you if it's possible to get your money back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contact your telecom and other providers as soon as possible, explain the situation and try to remove her name and have everything put on your name or that of another roommate. In my experience, if a address has been a loyal customer for some time the companies tend to be more lenient in things like transferring the account from one name to another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try and give you advise on how to contact this girl but I think Jarko Dubbeldam has already done that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6607" LastEditorUserId="6607" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T09:40:40.583" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T09:40:40.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7006" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6999" CreationDate="2017-11-20T10:31:28.590" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not the kind of approach you asked for, but it's one that hasn't been mentioned yet:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Go the legal route&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Send a claim, then a notice of default, then a debt collector.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the Netherlands, if someone owes you a debt you can send them a registered letter with a claim. If they don't pay within some reasonable (or legally defined, usually 2-4 week) period you specify in the letter, you can send them a second letter with a notice of default and a shorter deadline (e.g. 3 to 7 days).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't pay then, you can contact a debt collection agency. They will collect the money for you and if the sum is large enough they will arrange for some party to legally take the money and/or physical possessions (e.g. your furniture, and perhaps random things to sell off) by means of a permit, they then take a fixed sum or a percentage off the debt for themselves, but also charge the debtor for the services IIRC.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should research your local laws, perhaps with the help of a local attorney, or call a debt collector and ask for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would assume even the first letter would jolt your ex-roommate into action, even if just to protest your claim; at least you'll be in touch then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't repay you then, you have a way to proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3499" LastEditorUserId="3499" LastEditDate="2017-11-23T21:03:10.183" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T21:03:10.183" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6989" CreationDate="2017-11-20T12:58:07.663" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had this experience with a contractor my parents hired to fix some plumbing in our kitchen. After they left we had a water pipe breakage there that flooded the entire kitchen. It was a total pain to clean up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presumably the reason why you've hired this handyman is that you can't fix these issues yourself. So don't just assume that what happened was necessarily because of them doing a bad job and not some other factor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hearkening back to the example I gave above, in our case, it wasn't the fault of our handyman at all - a pipe completely unrelated to what they had been working on had burst from material exhaustion. Poor timing, essentially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While that might not be the case for you, and they might actually be at fault, you don't know that for sure. And even if you do, accusing them of doing a bad job helps nobody. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, you'd talk to them about further issues you're having. If they're honest people (I'm going to assume they are since you &quot;do a lot of work with them&quot; and haven't dropped them yet) they'll tell you if something was their fault after inspecting it and reaching that conclusion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel less than trusting, get another handyman to give you a second opinion and then contact your original handyman if it turns out they were at fault. Again, you want restitution, and not to just make your displeasure known. Avoid accusatory language and let them come to the conclusion that they have done a bad job themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Accusing people of incompetence does not lend itself to a continued friendly relationship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T08:01:52.757" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T08:01:52.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7010" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-20T13:07:21.353" Score="31" ViewCount="28390" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ok, here is my situation. I met this guy a few months ago, we met a couple of times (not dating, just as friends). We don't talk often but every once in a month or two he suggests that we would get together and hang out. &#xA;Almost every time he reaches out we decide on a day but he never commits to a time and leaves me hanging all day waiting to hear from him and wondering if I should make other plans if I don't hear from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same thing happened again yesterday, he told me that he wanted to watch a movie together and hear me play the guitar. I messaged him a few times during day hinting to let me know when he wanted to get together but I didn't want to come across as pushy or needy. He also often tends to text something and disappear for a while before responding again, which I find disrespectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point in the evening it was getting late and I gave up waiting and then he texted me with a lame excuse of why he can't make it. I texted him back and said that I already assumed that our plans had been canceled but he never even said anything back. I like this person but I also like being treated with respect and my time is important to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, how do I set boundaries and let someone know that I can't make plans with them again because they are leaving me hanging, wasting my time and I can't sit around all day waiting without coming across as aggressive or rude? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastEditorUserId="2015" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T16:57:28.917" LastActivityDate="2019-08-15T20:29:05.733" Title="How to make someone respect your time when making plans without being rude?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7010" CreationDate="2017-11-20T13:35:45.667" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, if you're happy with 'just friends' and only hanging out every couple of months then you equally have to respect that his life can't hang on you either. When you text and he doesn't reply immediately he may well be doing something else with someone else and he doesn't owe you an explanation, because you're not a couple. However I do agree with you that making a firm arrangement with a time is the polite and courteous thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he suggests hanging out, simply ask for a time and explain that you have other things to do that day (if you don't, and this is just a matter of principle then have some routine things like going to the gym or doing chores ready if he asks what you are doing). This isn't rude - if anything you are saying that you will work the 'other things' around the time he chooses, which is really giving him priority. If he can't commit to a time then just politely ask him to suggest another day. If you are making this arrangement face to face this is even better - get your phone out and open your calendar app. Show him that you are putting the appointment in your diary. This shows that you are organised and committed to the arrangement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also set yourself a reasonable number of times that you will put up with him cancelling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T13:35:45.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7012" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7010" CreationDate="2017-11-20T13:35:53.967" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;Very good question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My question is, how do I set boundaries and let someone know that I can't make plans with them again because they are leaving me hanging, wasting my time and I can't sit around all day waiting without coming across as aggressive or rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For &lt;strong&gt;saying &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; going forward&lt;/strong&gt;, you can either be very direct - &lt;em&gt;You really cost me a lot of time yesterday while I waited for you and this hurt my schedule&lt;/em&gt; - but this may feel rude or aggressive (Did he deserve this response? Yes), or you can just reject any further requests without specifying why, such as &lt;em&gt;Sorry, I have other plans today&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;Sorry, I was going to see friends yesterday, but rescheduled them for today instead&lt;/em&gt;.  The latter is less rude, but sends the message across effectively.  Since it sounds like you have other things in your life, it's best to indicate these when you make plans with people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For &lt;strong&gt;avoiding this problem in the future&lt;/strong&gt;, you have a couple of options for handling someone wasting your time when being &lt;em&gt;generic&lt;/em&gt; about a time to get together.  When someone texts you about spending time, you can do the below to avoid it being &lt;em&gt;any time during the day&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give a time window if you agree to the day.  Suppose he texts you:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's get together tomorrow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sure.  I'll only be available from 3-5.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people can show up at &lt;em&gt;any time&lt;/em&gt;, they may use these privileges.  This is an easy way to set a boundary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Request the time by starting with a &lt;em&gt;maybe&lt;/em&gt;.  This still lets the other person set the time, but only agrees if a time is specified.  Example:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's get together tomorrow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not sure [or maybe].  What time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This indicates that you'll agree, but only if he specifies the time.  In this case, he leads with the time, but if he doesn't, you're rejecting his offer.  You are also kindly communicating &lt;em&gt;all day is not acceptable for me&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6485" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T13:35:53.967" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7010" CreationDate="2017-11-20T13:50:10.197" Score="41" Body="&lt;h3&gt;&amp;quot;Truth above all&amp;quot; is my personal policy&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said something very important and very fair here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also like being treated with respect and my time is important to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, next time he suggests to do something, set boundaries straightforwardly and assert what you said above:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you absolutely sure you're gonna be at [place] at [time]? You know&#xA;it's been hard for you to &amp;quot;comply with your proposals&amp;quot; in the past,&#xA;and I hope you do understand that it's been even harder for me to&#xA;manage that: time is precious and I hate to waste it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See what his answer is and see once more if it respects you. If he fails again, there's no point in keeping on trying to meet unreliable people, regardless of how kind they can be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, for one, personally, wouldn't be able to consider him nice.&#xA;Which is the same reason you shouldn't overthink &amp;quot;being rude&amp;quot; given that, as a matter of facts, he's proving to have rude behaviour himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another solution I can think of is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Put the ball on his field&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: Hey, I'd like to meet up for a movie&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Sure, I'm off to watch &amp;quot;Justice league&amp;quot; on Monday night with friends, wanna join?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You go, regardless, and that will all be on him: if he comes, good for him, if he doesn't come, bad for him. That allows you to go on with your life without getting hindered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T09:08:18.477" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6754" CreationDate="2017-11-20T13:53:18.213" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Overcoming nervousness in one social situation is much the same as any other. You must have confidence in yourself and your abilities. That does not require you to be 100% proficient at what you are doing, but believe that you at least meet the 'minimum' requirement for the job you are doing. Your employers must believe you are capable of completing the task to a reasonable degree or they would not give such important clients to you! This alone should give you confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a native English speaker I can assure you that we are very used to other nationalities speaking English to us (most of us are too lazy to learn another language!) and your English clients can probably understand your spoken English far better than you imagine. Don't attempt idioms if you don't understand them. While they may add some colour to literature, 'plain English' is often far better when explaining something. In fact here in England we have 'plain English' campaigns which aim to take idiomatic expressions out of important documents (such as legal forms) to make sure that everybody can understand them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not be offended if I was asked to speak more slowly. But if someone does take offence, try to have confidence that it is not your fault if you have been as polite as you can be. Some people in every nationality and culture are just rude or intolerant, but you cannot do anything about that. You can only handle yourself the best way that you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T13:53:18.213" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7016" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7010" CreationDate="2017-11-20T14:07:34.447" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whenever you make plans with him, be firm and concise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask him an exact hour to meet up. If he doesn't answer, you should choose and give him the time that fits you best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at that time he is not there, you wait a few minutes and then you leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he complains or does any remark you can simply tell him off saying that you gave him a specific meet up time and place and that if he wants to see you he just needs to show up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T14:07:34.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7017" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7010" CreationDate="2017-11-20T14:15:26.463" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm dealing with similar problems right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to deal with it is to handle it at the time of setting the date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;him:&lt;/strong&gt; Want to get together on the 5th?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;you:&lt;/strong&gt;  Sure, how does 5pm sound?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, follow the 15 minute rule.  No call, no show by 5:15, no date.  Even if you are not doing anything else, if he reaches out after that window, tell him you're busy.  This is a polite, but firm way of getting the respect you deserve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T14:15:26.463" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7018" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-11-20T15:18:58.533" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T15:18:58.533" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T15:18:58.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7019" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-11-20T15:18:58.533" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Austria or Austrian culture." OwnerUserId="321" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T15:53:09.963" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T15:53:09.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6940" CreationDate="2017-11-20T15:53:45.720" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;That is a very awkward situation to be in. I work in an office, with 4 walls and a door, with one other guy. He quit a few months ago and I was so happy the day he quit. He drank about 8 Diet Mountain Dew cans a day and ate about 5 bags of chips a day. Needless to say, all those things are EXTREMELY annoying!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were friends and usually talk about all kinds of stuff like politics and sports. But I've NEVER brought this up with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally don't think anything you do or say to him will be received well. If you really see no choice but to voice your opinions, the best way to go about doing that would be what you suggested:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find a coworker and talk to the coworker about the &quot;loud eater&quot; in the office. Sentences like, &quot;Do you hear that loud munching and slurping during lunch every day? It is super distracting&quot;. You had mentioned that there is no one in the immediate area that is close to you, but it doesn't really matter if they're in the same area as you. You are just talking to your friend about an annoying cubicle-mate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there is no friend willing to come around this co-worker so you can do the passive-aggressive thing, then there is always the magical telephone. Call someone, or pretend to call someone. Talk about casual stuff like &quot;Oh yeah, how was the party last night? I am sorry I couldn't make it..&quot; and just chat for a minute. And then at the moment when you hear the slurping, just say &quot;Oh god its that time of the day, someone around me eats so loudly, it is extremely disturbing&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How tall are your cubicle walls? If you stood up, would the co-worker be able to see you? If yes, just stand up and look around to see who is being so loud. And then sit back down. Do that every time you hear loud slurping. Just see past the co-worker, but never directly at them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the trick here is to address the distraction without mentioning the distractor. That way, no feelings are hurt. Since it is a cubicle situation, it shouldn't be hard to act like you don't know who it is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, quoting Oleg's answer, there are the indirect ways of doing so: wear headphones when the co-worker is eating and eat at a different time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please remember, loud eating is a hard habit to break. Some times, it is something they cannot even help. I used to get ulcers in my mouth when I was a kid and I couldn't eat unless I eat opening my mouth open wide because the ulcers come in the inside of my lip. So my loud eating could not have been stopped for me. I'd feel so self-conscious about it, I usually ate when there was no one around me. Not everyone recognizes that as a problem. Not everyone do it as a choice. Not everyone can actually help it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take all that into consideration when you confront this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T15:53:45.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6979" CreationDate="2017-11-20T16:01:58.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, for this particular problem, you can find several other solutions (other answers cover that better than I could)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second of all, if you want your him to do something about it, you're gonna have to make him understand that it's a really problem. You can do that by explaining in detail how and why it bothers you and how to solve it and ask him to solve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What seems to be happening thought is that he doesn't listen or take into account to your explanations. If that is the case, a confilct is kind of unavoidable. A conflict however, doesn't mean a fight. You need to muster some courage and be very firm about your position: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This bothers me, and you have plenty of other ways to get an internet connection without bothering me. If you don't do anything about it, I will simply unplug you so that it doesn't bother me anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I know that confronting your older brother is a scary thing, however if you always bow down to him, he will always abuse of his power and not take your opinion in consideration. If you can stand your ground a few times, the next time such a situation arises, finding a solution together as equals will be much simpler.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T16:05:28.323" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T16:05:28.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6989" CreationDate="2017-11-20T16:10:30.343" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no polite way and you'll open up a can of worms if you try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you &lt;strong&gt;KNOW&lt;/strong&gt; that they did a bad job, they didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Car mechanics and programmer go through this all the time.  Plumbers and electricians go through it even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, fixing problem &quot;X&quot; will not cause, but REVEAL problem &quot;Y&quot;.  Say you're dealing with a few leaks in the coolant for a car.  You fix them, and then something else starts to leak.  Why?  Did you break anything?  No.  when you fixed the leaks, you also fixed a pressure issue, which caused another hose, which was already weak, to leak because it couldn't stand up to the full pressure of the system.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, unless you have enough skill to say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is happening now because X caused Y and you should have caught it because of z &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say &lt;strong&gt;NOTHING&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tradesmen take pride in their work, and calling it bad is an insult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it really &lt;strong&gt;IS&lt;/strong&gt; bad, then you need to hire someone else.  There is no other alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T16:10:30.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6982" CreationDate="2017-11-20T16:14:48.653" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tell my daughter:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can play on this until X O'clock. I'll remind you about 5 minutes&#xA;  before your time is up so you can save your game and close it on time.&#xA;  If you don't close it on time I will have to close it for you and you&#xA;  might lose your game progress, so it would be much better if you come off when I tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then follow that to the letter. Remind them, and if they are still playing it when you walk in 5 minutes later you close the program / turn the console off / yank the plug out, whatever it takes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kids sense of what is 'fair' is undeveloped, they lack the perspective of others so even the best of kids can be selfish. They might complain the first time you turn off their game but if you have articulated your expectations (fancy speak for 'telling them what you expect of them beforehand') then they will learn that it is better for them to comply and actually you aren't being unfair when you are only doing what you said you would do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T16:19:38.380" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T16:19:38.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7010" CreationDate="2017-11-20T17:04:30.827" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask him to decide soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say you've made plans to hang out on Friday, but you haven't yet determined the time. Send him something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm planning out my day Friday. Can you let me know when you're free? I have a lot of things up in the air right now so I'll need to know in the next few hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't respond in the next two hours, assume you're not hanging out and make other plans. If he responds afterwards, tell him you're sorry but you made plans since you thought it wouldn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you set clear deadlines, there shouldn't be any issues as long as this guy is a reasonable person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9165" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T17:04:30.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7026" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6985" CreationDate="2017-11-20T19:01:56.233" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I are quite introverted and don't much enjoy social interaction with anyone. I have tried to explain this to my Mum, and she seemed to understand, but the behavior hasn't changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mom hasn't experienced feelings of introversion there might not be a way to help her fully understand how you feel, but it's a good step that you've at least said these things to her. This way, even if she doesn't fully understand, she's equipped with the reminder that &lt;em&gt;that's just how you prefer your life&lt;/em&gt; and it's nothing against her personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the note of how to reject her requests for frequent visits, I've found with my parents that rather than just saying &quot;No&quot; it can help to instead talk about your commitment to meeting the next time. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't feel like doing anything this Saturday, but in a few (time period of your choice... weeks/months/etc.) I would love to go do 'X' with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can show your mom that even though you don't wish to meet with her at the time of her choosing, when you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; ready to meet with her you will be fully engaged and ready to do something that you can both enjoy together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T19:01:56.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1338" CreationDate="2017-11-20T19:29:55.870" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If everything was clear to you and you really can't think of a question to ask, what would be the point of trying to come up with a generic way to create questions you don't need answered? If you have a real question, ask your question and carry on a conversation about it until you either clear up your confusion or decide to let the person answering you to move on.  Continue after the presentation is over and everyone else has gotten a chance to ask questions, if neccesary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you ever given talks (or presentations or taught a class or whatever)?  If not, trust me when I say that it is usually pretty obvious when someone doesn't understand something. The look of bewilderment is unmistakable and obvious, before anyone ever asks anything and so is the look of someone asking a question for some reason other than having a real question about what is being presented. Pretending to be interested and asking questions, with the hope of being noticed will get you what you hope for but it won't be what you want. Feigning interest in what is not interesting to you only draws attention from people you would rather avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are interested and need to ask a question to clear something up, great. If you have no real question to ask or the presentation was so boring that the person next to had a self inflicted wound from his broken coffee mug, no one else in the audience will be likely appreciate you extending the torture with a made up question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9174" LastEditorUserId="9174" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T19:35:35.793" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T19:35:35.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6985" CreationDate="2017-11-20T20:19:03.080" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I (and my girlfriend) don't have anything against my Mum, I just would like her to be less insistent about frequent visits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All your mom wants is to make sure her baby is alright, kept warm, well fed, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I suggest a proactive approach: give her a fix by calling her or sending emails on a regular basis, tell her a few things about what you do, tell her about something that went well at your job... Take five minutes to write. Ask for advice about cooking. You can even send her random funny stuff from the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, stay in touch and convey the idea that everything's fine. This should keep her anxiety for her &quot;little baby&quot; under control, and also it will make her happier, which is something you really want to do. Even if you describe her as a bit annoying, she's still your mom...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say she needs social interactions, but long interactions are draining for you. What I'm suggesting is to give her what she needs in a way that suits you, spend five minutes to send an email once or twice a week... if talking to her for two hours is too tiring, chop it up in little pieces, one email once in a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-11-20T20:37:35.407" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T20:37:35.407" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7030" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7080" CreationDate="2017-11-20T23:10:23.297" Score="54" ViewCount="19752" Body="&lt;p&gt;My cousin was supposed to receive money from a sale, keep a percentage and then send the rest over to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found out that not only did he receive more money from the sale of my item ($550 instead of the expected $350), but that he received the money well before the date he was supposed to. After the payment date passed I called the buyer (a company) today and they said they transferred the money over to my cousin's bank account over a month ago and even showed proof.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked my cousin about the money but he said he hasn't received anything yet.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;My cousin is currently out of a job and doesn't know that I know about the situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I approach him in a respectful way about this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE: I've sent him money in the past (well before this incident) to help with financial troubles and so his account number was logged in the transaction history. I compared the account number on the transaction history to that on the receipt and they are both the same.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I notice is that he's ignoring my messages on Whatsapp because the blue check mark lights up (which means he's seeing my messages) but he isn't responding to them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We spoke over the weekend (Thanksgiving weekend no less) and he said he had the money but also came up with a story about being in a motorcycle accident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going to let this go on for a while and see if he finally admits he stole my money. We'll see  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;FINAL UPDATE: My cousin finally responded to my texts/calls and confessed. He says he's going to try to pay me back but I know he's never going to. I am cutting ties with him not because of the money but because of his dishonesty. Right before this I bought him a fridge for his upcoming wedding - I feel so stupid for trusting my own cousin now. Let this be a lesson to everyone - be careful trusting family members with money &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9066" LastEditorUserId="9066" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T03:26:03.730" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T04:19:54.457" Title="My cousin doesn't know that I know he received money that belongs to me - how do I approach him about receiving the money?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7030" CreationDate="2017-11-20T23:36:00.710" Score="184" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd be direct but offer him the opportunity to still come clean on his own. Maybe something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I heard from the buyer that the money was transferred to your account. Would you be able to double check and see if you missed the transaction last time you checked? If not, we should call them back and see what's going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This allows your cousin to say &quot;oops! What do you know... I &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; miss it,&quot; without forcing an admission of guilt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also implies that if he says the money didn't come through, you will be calling to investigate deeper into where the money is. If the money was genuinely transferred to him and he knows it, he will know that he needs to fess up sooner rather than later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still doesn't confess, I would get him and the buyer both involved to figure out where the money went. He will either be forced to confirm he received the money, or you could find out where the money truly is!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bank errors are always possible. I was once set up for direct deposit at work and my first check went to some stranger because of &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; mistyped digit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-11-20T23:36:00.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7034" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7060" CreationDate="2017-11-21T01:22:20.437" Score="7" ViewCount="1469" Body="&lt;p&gt;My neighbour's child, who is around 5 or 6 years old, loves to cause trouble. I have talked to our neighbours &lt;strong&gt;countless&lt;/strong&gt; times to please watch their child, but they always get offended. Their child is now throwing 'toys' at our window. I told him to please stop, but he started to cry. I would like to know, how could I tell him to stop it, but without getting anyone offended or causing him to cry? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9141" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T08:46:39.957" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T19:26:28.637" Title="How to tell my neighbour's child to stop throwing things at our window?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6979" CreationDate="2017-11-21T01:45:19.103" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;So there are many great answers here.  I want to point out another option which &#xA;you can add to any of them: do nothing!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The cable is led into my room by jamming it through the gap between the sides of the door. More often than not, opening/closing the door will result in the door being jammed since it is not a flat LAN cable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My work table is next to the door, and when I pull out my chair to sit down / get up, it runs over the LAN cable, and jams the wheels of the chair as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This LAN cable is not going to last forever.  This kind of abuse damages the cables, eventually degrading signal quality.  At some point, it will stop working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I point this out because it means that while you are busy trying to find an amicable resolution to this issue, physics is going to take care of it eventually.  This means you can be comfortable using less forceful approaches on your brother, without having to fear that he's going to use this LAN cable forever because you didn't push hard enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So stick to the nice friendly helpful approaches.  Be nice.  Nature will not be nice.  You and nature can play good cop/bad cop =)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T01:45:19.103" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7034" CreationDate="2017-11-21T06:07:26.820" Score="11" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR: Don't talk to the child; talk to the parents.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Why you can't replace another child's parent&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the summer, I worked in an educational nature camp, primarily working with kids aged 4-6. If you're in a situation like that, you very quickly learn that it's hard to make a child that age do anything if you don't know them well. They know you're not their parent, so you don't have as much authority over them, and they don't necessarily know that what they're doing is wrong. It's an uphill battle to start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the case of one six-year old boy, who I'll call Eric (I don't actually recall his name). When he came in on the first day of camp, he was withdrawn and wouldn't pay attention to anyone; he wouldn't even look at me when I sat in front of him. After trying to engage with him - reading to him, giving him some crafts, even just talking and bringing over another kid who was more than happy to make friends - we ended up calling his mom and talking to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it turned out, we learned some things about Eric (he's far more fluent in Chinese than English; he'd never spent time with children outside his family before; he was a bit shy about being in public) that helped me engage with him throughout the rest of the week. Three days later, I was thrilled with how he was doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What really brought about the change, though, were the actions of his mother. She knew better than anyone else what his thought process was like, the sorts of things he liked doing, and what you could try to talk to him about. And she was able to sit in on some of camp with him, and guide Eric along at first in places where I couldn't have gotten through. I could have talked to him all day about what a certain type of Native American house was like (and I nearly did), and he would have looked the other way (and he did), but only his mom was able to basically say, &amp;quot;Hey, Eric, the counselor's trying to teach you about [X Y Z] right now; it's really cool.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How you go on from here&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you want to talk to your neighbors about this behavior. First, you want to make several things clear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Exactly what the child's doing.&lt;/strong&gt; If this is a pattern, the parent might recognize it. For instance, Eric's mom figured out that Eric sometimes clams up if he's not near her, and talked to him about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you've done, and what you're said.&lt;/strong&gt; It's always helpful for them to know what's transpired so far. Also, keep in mind what the child's point of view of their interaction with you might have been. They could have viewed it differently than you or I would.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you've already talked to the parents in the past about the child. It seems like you haven't been able to be as specific as you can be right now. At the moment, you have one very specific request: That their child stop throwing things at your window. It's not out of the question that it could damage your house or hurt someone (granted, he's not a surly teenager lobbing baseballs in your direct, but still). That's all you're asking for; make that clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If this really doesn't work&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I honestly couldn't tell you much from experience in a situation where talking to the parents about a child's severe behavior fails. Some ideas do come to mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to other neighbors to see if they're experienced the same problem with this kid. Maybe going with others and talking to the parents could make them realize the severity of the problem, if it is serious (but obviously, don't raise a lynch mob!).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to the local homeowners' association, if there is one. They might have experience dealing with this sort of thing, and could help you get to a solution.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said . . . I haven't had to take either of these avenues before, and I can't vouch for them for sure. They're just starting points. I also don't think you'll need them; when a child is being extremely disruptive, the odds that a parent will completely ignore the situation are very low. Not zero, but still low.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T06:07:26.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7037" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7389" CreationDate="2017-11-21T07:11:09.853" Score="41" ViewCount="16036" Body="&lt;p&gt;A little background:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm attending a large university in an English-speaking western country&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I live at an international campus residence which has about a hundred international resident students living there&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I befriended an Asian girl who was always eating alone during dinner time. She could not even speak a word of English but because I spoke her native language we could communicate and got along just fine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We talked for up to 2 hours every day during dinner time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We hung out from time to time, watching movies, going on short trips, playing games, etc. either the two of us, or with my other friends&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately, I've become discontent with the state of our friendship. From reflection and looking at our chat history, she has never asked me to do something with her (i.e. hang out); it's always been me asking her to do something. She also never messages me first. In the rare instances she does message me first, it's only because she needs help with something like her computer, English, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I stopped messaging her for about a month thinking maybe I was always asking her to hang out and not giving her a chance to ask me, but no contact from her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today, I was at the library eating and looking down. I looked up, and there she was. No &quot;hello&quot;, No &quot;how are you?&quot;, just &quot;Can you help me with this? Just 1 question&quot;. I helped her and then tried to make small talk with her but she said she had to go back to studying and went off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has other friends apart from me and she does hang out with them (concerts, BBQ, etc.) but I'm not sure if her friends are always the ones initiating events as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem:&#xA;I feel like I am being used. She never initiates conversations or asks me to hang out. If she does initiate a conversation, which is very rare, it's because she needs help. When we are at dinner, we typically have great conversations and she's always smiling and fun to be around with. I'd like her to be the same way outside dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would like:&#xA;I'd like her to ask me to hang out and do things together or at least not always be asking me for help.&#xA;Note that I'm NOT interested in a romantic relationship. I would like to be (good) friends and leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate what I would like to her gently and without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3178" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T08:39:45.323" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T09:45:50.950" Title="How can I tell my friend I don't like the state of our friendship?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;eastern-asia&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7034" CreationDate="2017-11-21T08:00:38.767" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't talk sense into a 6 year old. For most 6 year olds, not even their parents reliably can, and you are far removed from having that kind of clout with the child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to talk to the parents again. You say that they &quot;always get offended&quot; when you tell them to &quot;please watch their child&quot;. Well, if you said it exactly like that, I can see why that is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approach the parents, and you want them to react positively, then the worst thing you can do is phrase your approach annoyed / belittling / confrontationally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, look out for these points in your next talk to the parents:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;be non accusatory&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Highlight the problems this could cause for them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;phrase it as a request, not an order (!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't imply by your tone, body language or phrasing that you think they're bad parents (even if you do, besides the point)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, you want the parents to understand and take action, not to feel bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T08:00:38.767" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7037" CreationDate="2017-11-21T08:19:21.040" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, what you would like might not be possible. There can be a number of reasons why she doesn't initiate contact with you on her own, including but not limited to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's not the type of person to usually make plans and has been used to that for a while&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's socially awkward or has a misplaced sense of not wanting to annoy you even more then she already is with asking for help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's romantically interested in you but fears you aren't&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She thinks you are romantically interested in her but isn't&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She doesn't like to be your friend but is too polite to tell you that to your face&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these can be reasons for someone to not make plans with you of their own accord. For notice, #1 applies to me personally. It's not because I don't like my friends, it's that I never find the motivation to make plans myself, although I do want to hang out. I'm not sure if someone telling me that could change it, but you can try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some key points to look out for when talking to her about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be accusatory (&quot;You never make plans with me and just use me for help&quot;). This is important&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make clear that you want to be friends (this alleviates #4 but if #3 is true, this might backfire. In any case, it's better to have shared expectations)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't bring up her asking for help. She either notices herself or doesn't, in any case, bringing that up in this conversation unavoidably carries an air of accusation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, there's nothing you can say that guarantees success here, and you might have to accept that she's not the kind of person to make plans firsthand, but you might be able to pull it off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T08:19:21.040" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7037" CreationDate="2017-11-21T08:47:06.317" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me as though the primary concern is that the relationship between you two is unbalanced. You being more enthusiastic to talk and hang out, and her mostly just asking for help. Before mentioning how to communicate what you want her to do, it is worth noting that she may not have noticed and there are some things you could do yourself that might satisfy the worry about imbalance and may change her attitude too, but that obviously depends on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel like I am being used. She never initiates conversations or ask me to hang out. If she does initiate a conversation (very rare), it's because she needs help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than limiting the friendly interactions (like you tried) I would match the assistance she asks of you. This is much more productive towards your goal of being friends for a few reasons: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If this is simply what she expects of friends then she will be more than happy to help and will consider you a closer friend because of it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it turns out she &lt;strong&gt;was&lt;/strong&gt; using you, but just unaware then this would make her reflect on how she treats you without needing to be told. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she was using you and aware of it, then it forces her to make a decision (meet your requests, mutually lower the amount of requests or end the friendship) In the last case, it is probably for the better and would have happened however you decided to handle this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now in the case that you try to communicate what you are thinking to her. I think this is quite a good way to handle it and would not come across as rude as you seem to be worrying. So long as you are not demanding and make an effort to be considerate (it seems obvious already that will do this) then I think it is highly unlikely that you will come off as rude. Wanting someone to be &lt;strong&gt;more&lt;/strong&gt; friendly is hardly a bad thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really like hanging out with you but I worry that I'm the only one that ever makes plans&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is nice and simple, feel free to change how you like but the idea is that talking about what you like, and how you feel helps stray away from the risk that you will come across as blaming her for not hanging out with you. It is also a good idea to assume the best when talking about this. That way you are never accusing her but still bringing attention to your concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T08:47:06.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7041" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4003" CreationDate="2017-11-21T09:08:13.590" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your written English is usually going to be better as you have more time to think, phrase, reflect. I suspect the more proficient speakers you mention learned in a different way to you, perhaps by immersion rather than school. Your question is syntactically fine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had the same problem with German, my written German was far better. In written communication, regional accents don't matter so much and you can take your time absorbing their meaning.  I really struggled with oral communication as I worked in an area with a very heavy regional dialect with many loan words and I had to listen carefully and respond slowly as I had to think a lot harder about choosing the right local words. It got better though, and quicker than I thought it would. I doubt you'll have this problem for long and written English is in, my humble opinion, much harder than spoken. Spelling doesnt matter in speaking and that's a really hard part of English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you try and talk to more native speakers, not second language speakers who could well be propagating their mistakes to you. When you talk to a native speaker say &quot;I'm still working on it, &lt;strong&gt;please&lt;/strong&gt; correct me if I make a syntactic mistake, I want to improve, I will not be offended&quot;. We Brits don't like to highlight people's errors in &lt;em&gt;our&lt;/em&gt; language, so you need to invite us to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="427" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T09:08:13.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7042" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7037" CreationDate="2017-11-21T09:17:59.833" Score="74" Body="&lt;h2&gt;The devil's advocate.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer relies on a few inferences between what you've told us. Tell me if I'm wrong and I'll adjust/delete my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to be like her, and part of me still is like that. You're inferring negative things about her actions. While you're of course allowed to have an opinion about the state of your friendship, there are explanations for her behavior that can be mitigating:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I used to be incredibly socially anxious, to a point where I assumed that talking to someone or asking to meet up came across (to myself) as being presumptuous.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Often, I would end up hoping a friend talked to me, because it'd be rude if I initiated the conversation (they might be busy and I'd be interrupting them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The same was true of meeting up. I tended to wait for my friend to invite me. It wasn't laziness, it was fear of rejection (even if they had prior plans, it was still a rejection I wasn't ready for).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No &amp;quot;hello&amp;quot;, No &amp;quot;how are you?&amp;quot;, just &amp;quot;Can you help me with this? Just 1 question&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Though I'm not one to ask for help in fields I'm familiar with, asking people for help with fields I'm unfamiliar with (e.g. plumbing or general maintenance), I still feel like sinking into the ground rather than ask it. The fact that she asks you for help may be her way of &lt;strong&gt;tricking her anxiety&lt;/strong&gt; into talking to people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Part of not wanting to interrupt people manifests itself as being &lt;em&gt;short&lt;/em&gt; in order to take up less of their time; and you don't realize that you come across as &lt;em&gt;short&lt;/em&gt; (i.e. rude, not casual).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The worst part about social anxiety is that the &lt;em&gt;fear&lt;/em&gt; of annoying people causes you to behave a certain way (defending against that possibility), which can ironically turn out to be the &lt;em&gt;cause&lt;/em&gt; of why people get annoyed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has other friends apart from me and she does hang out with them (concerts, BBQ, etc.) but I'm not sure if her friends are always the ones initiating events as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even though I suffered from anxiety with everyone (even family), there were a few childhood friends that I'd grown familiar with and felt at ease being myself with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To you, this can come across as proof of rudeness. She relies on you to engage in the friendship, but then does not require the same of her other friends?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In reality, it's possible that they have been friends for long enough that it precludes her anxiety. A longstanding historical rapport with someone can give you confidence that this person will not be offended if you make a mistake. How longstanding it has to be, depends on the person and their anxiety, I'd guess.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem: I feel like I am being used. She never initiates conversations or asks me to hang out. If she does initiate a conversation, which is very rare, it's because she needs help. When we are at dinner, we typically have great conversations and she's always smiling and fun to be around with. I'd like her to be the same way outside dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's likely that she doesn't register it as being rude, because she's trying to work around her anxiety. E.g. a burning man will care little about &amp;quot;ladies first&amp;quot; when running through a door, because he is on fire. Similarly, your friend may be dealing with a severe anxiety that surpasses minor impolite actions. Her actions (which you consider rude) may simply be the lesser of two evils.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Once my friend engaged me in conversation, I would lose that anxiety. Since you say she's much more open during dinner, that suggests her case is very similar.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;But your problem needs to be addressed too.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem: I feel like I am being used. She never initiates conversations or asks me to hang out. If she does initiate a conversation, which is very rare, it's because she needs help. When we are at dinner, we typically have great conversations and she's always smiling and fun to be around with. I'd like her to be the same way outside dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of defending her, that doesn't mean that you just have to sit there and take it. She is your friend, she is causing some friction, she needs to address it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming from personal experience, I wouldn't want to talk about my issues, since that would be presumptuous and impolite. But sometimes I was &lt;em&gt;dying&lt;/em&gt; to have someone ask me about them, so it'd be &amp;quot;okay&amp;quot; for me to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you address the real issue, you'll need to make her feel at ease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be upset when you initiate the conversation, because that triggers her anxiety. It suggests that her worst fears have come true, and that's going to cause instinctive behavior (likely putting a wall between you and her).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her if she's an anxious person, if she ever feels shy, etc... More often than not, socially anxious people are unable to talk about their social anxiety. Make it clear that it's safe for her to talk about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After she explains it, acknowledge her situation. Sympathize without offering options. If she's looking particularly uncomfortable, maybe admit to sometimes feeling something similar.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point, you can address the behavior. This is just an example approach, it depends on what behavior your wants to address. For example, I'll focus on having you setting up social occasions and never her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mention that you brought up the questions about anxiety, because you've noticed that she doesn't often initiate a social event.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She might become apologetic, which suggests that she's aware of it, but likely unable to find another solution.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain to her that you're not upset, because you understand. But stress the fact that her actions can &lt;em&gt;cause&lt;/em&gt; the exact thing she's trying to avoid.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she's still openly talking to you, suggest helping her over her anxiety by making her initiate the next social event (or a few). Tell her that you won't get upset in any way when she does, and that the purpose of the exercise is for her to get comfortable with doing so.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Just to make sure: Put the stress on &lt;strong&gt;helping her over her anxiety&lt;/strong&gt;, not on making her stop with her problematic behavior that annoys you. Technically, you're doing both; but the latter will likely trigger her anxiety because she needs to think about having upset you, which in turn is likely to upset her.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would hope she agrees with that. I would've. It's exactly what I needed, and what one friend did indeed provide for me. That small boost in confidence made me repeat the behavior with &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; friends; and within months I went from 2 friends to 30, and suddenly had a social life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she shuts you down or refuses to try and initiate, then the ball is in your court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's fair for you to not want this kind of friendship. Regardless of mitigating circumstances, you're still the one dealing with the issue and you have the freedom to sidestep it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have the patience for it, I'd suggest you let it go and try again at a later stage. If you don't have the patience for it, &lt;strong&gt;then don't do it&lt;/strong&gt;. If you try it anyway, lose your cool, and get upset with her; you're going to make her fears come true (which reinforces that &amp;quot;her anxiety was correct all along&amp;quot; in her head).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to dial back the friendship, but give her the chance to recover; kindly state that you need her to be more proactive, and tell her that you want &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; to take the lead for a while. It's in her best interest (gaining confidence), and it solves a problem that you were dealing with (having to be the one to initiate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she gets over it, you'll hear from her. If she doesn't, then you won't. You still have to the option of engaging her if you feel regret later, but if you truly can't deal with it anymore, you have the option of not engaging her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T09:23:11.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7044" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7047" CreationDate="2017-11-21T09:53:55.120" Score="10" ViewCount="4241" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in my late twenties and my brother is in his late teens. He has always been a skinny kid so recently we decided that I would be taking over his physical development. He explicitly told me that he wanted to get bigger and would be willing to follow my guidance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I set up a system where I'd be tracking calories and preparing meals for us both. It's a simple thing but very time consuming, so my plan was to introduce him to these tasks gradually, eventually splitting the load with him 50/50.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We started out well enough but within a month it devolved into me having to interrogate him every day on his weight and whether he'd eaten all the food I prepared. Most of the time he was unenthusiastic and had some excuse as to why he hadn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the peak of my frustration with his inability to appreciate my efforts, I gave him a heated monologue about how lazy and ungrateful he is and that basically if I'm playing the housewife the least he could do is eat the food I'm preparing. He took it well and improved for a couple of days but quickly went back to his old ways. I have since stopped preparing his meals or reminding him of his other chores and our communication has become tense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's my brother so I don't want to have a massive falling out over this thing, but continuing in this thankless duty is probably more than I can handle in the long term. An outside perspective might just be the key to resolving this optimally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am worried that I am coming on too strong in this. &lt;strong&gt;How do I confront him about this intelligently and really ascertain his willingness to keep doing this?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9194" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T12:29:56.940" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T17:15:23.823" Title="Confronting sibling over unappreciated effort" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7044" CreationDate="2017-11-21T10:48:11.860" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I confront him about this intelligently and really ascertain his willingness to keep doing this?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't beat around the bush. Tell him you need to talk. Mention about when he agreed to take your guidance. Remind him the goal: &lt;em&gt;he wanted to get bigger.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; still want to get bigger, like you said before? Yes, or no?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely he will hesitant to answer. I think he does still want it, but never thought it will be much hassle to keep up with discipline with the program.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he said yes, then mention that he needs to cooperate, both in following your program, and in supplying the information when you asked for it. &lt;em&gt;Tell him that you expect to introduce him to tracking his calories and preparing meal for himself eventually.&lt;/em&gt; This is important because he needs to know that you are not going to do this for him forever. I think it's better to start teaching him sooner than later, so that he can be responsible for his own development.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he said no, then we're done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T10:48:11.860" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7044" CreationDate="2017-11-21T10:56:21.417" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your brother and you are not on the same page. I'm assuming no malice from his side; because that would dramatically affect the answer (away from an IPS approach).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We started out well enough but within a month it devolved into me having to interrogate him every day on his weight and whether he'd eaten all the food I prepared and most of the time he was unenthusiastic and had some excuse as to why he hadn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being unenthusiastic isn't something you can be upset about. If that's how he truly feels, he's essentially being open and honest to you. However, that doesn't mean you can't address the fact that you fear his lack of enthusiasm is an obstacle on the road to achieving what he wants. But try to approach that without &lt;em&gt;blaming&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;reprimanding&lt;/em&gt; him, because he can't help his emotions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not eating the food you prepare for him, however, &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an issue. You're free to address the fact that you put effort into the food, and that it's not nice to see your effort go to waste. Unless he has a valid reason to avoid eating it (e.g. issues digesting the food); I'd suggest you put the choice before him: eat the food that you make for him (within reason), or make it himself. Offer him the recipes etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Note that since we're talking about bulking up, it's not impossible for him to feel sick from eating too much. Some people quickly feel sick when they eat too little, other people quickly feel sick when they eat too much. If this is the case for your brother, you can't really fault him for that. He might even be silent to you about it in an effort to not make you feel like your effort is wasted (but sadly achieving the opposite effect).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he opts for making the food himself and he ends up not doing it, then simply check in with him once in a while about his progress (without an underlying &quot;I told you so&quot; tone). If he raises a problem with not achieving his goals, stress the importance of eating the meals.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Interrogating&quot; him for his weight sounds a bit aggressive from your side. If you came across as a hard-ass initially, that can explain why your brother has lost enthusiasm or possibly hides the fact that he can't eat all the food.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's also possible that your (current) dislike of the situation influenced your use of &quot;interrogated&quot;, and you did initially ask it nicely. If so, the previous bullet point is null and void.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At the peak of my frustration with his inability to appreciate my efforts, I gave him a heated monologue about how lazy and ungrateful he is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did you confirm that it was indeed laziness? I mentioned a few alternate explanations (which may or may not be correct). If you &lt;strong&gt;assume&lt;/strong&gt; laziness when it is not the case, you're essentially fueling your brother's unenthusiastic responses.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is a massive difference between &quot;you're ungrateful&quot; and &quot;your actions make me feel like you're ungrateful&quot;. The latter is not only more polite, it's also more correct (from what I read in your question).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and that basically if I'm playing the housewife the least he could do is eat the food I'm preparing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's a fair argument, but it could be phrased better. If this is how you phrased it to him, your message carries a clear feeling of resentment, which generally creates more IPS problems than it could ever solve.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Similar to the earlier point, phrase it more correctly. Instead of telling him what he should do, &lt;strong&gt;tell him how him not doing it makes you feel&lt;/strong&gt;. He gets to choose what he does, your only job is to inform him of the impact it has on you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He took it well and improved for a couple of days but quickly went back to his old ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To me, this seems a clear indication that he is &lt;strong&gt;trying but failing&lt;/strong&gt;. From your phrasing so far, it's possible that the way you've responded to him (intentional or not) has made him afraid to upset you, and leads him to hide his failure from you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have since stopped preparing his meals or reminding him of his other chores &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Given that he is trying but failing; this is the opposite of what you should do. You've essentially confirmed his fear about upsetting you, which is likely going to end up damaging your relationship in more ways than the weight gain.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and our communication has become tense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can definitely see why.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Summary&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't make an accurate judgment, because I'm seeing the problem through your eyes, and it's not impossible that you contributed to the problems (and are not seeing it). So let me offer alternate options here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your brother is trying, failing, and not getting the needed support from you in a way that actually helps him&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Instead of telling him what to do; ask him what he's struggling with. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Before you suggest solutions to the problem, ask him if he has an idea on how to fix it (it gets him to engage, which can solve the lack of enthusiasm)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't berate him for failing to do what he needs to do. If he were able to do so; he wouldn't have needed your help in the first place. A teacher who immediately berates the student for their ignorance, is not a good teacher.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Understand that your brother intends no malice. He's asking for your help after all. His failure to adhere to the schedule is not a matter of willful disobedience, it's a matter of misunderstanding and needing to adapt.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know this is a bit extreme, but in action movies, villains are often proven to be villains when they &lt;strong&gt;punish an underling's failure as if it were malice&lt;/strong&gt;. I'm not berating you, but it's an interesting analogy, because I think your brother feels like he's in a similar (but less extreme) position.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your brother has actually given up and hasn't bothered to tell you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This puts your brother at fault. However, based on certain things you've told me (after being reprimanded, he put in more effort for a while), I think this is unlikely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If this is indeed the case, you can justifiably withdraw from helping him. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;However, since you'll obviously have an ongoing relationship with your brother, don't just cut and run. Offer him the resources (recipes, knowledge, some tips). Make a &quot;hand off&quot; of information so he can continue by himself if he wants to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can try to solve your problems without blaming your brother.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your annoyance stems from particular things that cost effort but get seemingly ignored by your brother. However, it's possible that your brother means no harm and is simply this unenthused and apprehensive of things. Just like how it's unfair for you to have to put in wasted effort, it's unfair to tell him how to feel. But there are ways to avoid the conflict:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I infer that checking in with his weight and food intake daily is annoying you. Have you considered making him use tools such as MyFitnessPal for this exact purpose? It sends out reminders (so you don't have to), and it gives your brother the option to post things (which informs you).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you still feel like the food is going to waste, maybe try and change to recipes that stay edible longer. If your brother can't eat it all, at least he can eat it over the next few days. Your effort doesn't go to waste, and your brother doesn't need to force himself to keep you happy. If your brother complains that this new food isn't as good, then try to get an agreement going: you make the good food, if it doesn't go to waste.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your annoyance stems from having to repeatedly remind your brother; rather than from your brother's inability to get it right. So &lt;strong&gt;automate it&lt;/strong&gt;. Give him a calendar (digital or not) that tracks milestones. Use an app that sends out daily reminders (whether MyFitnessPal, or an app that only provides preset reminders/alarms).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't conclusively answer your question, because I can't be sure which is the case here; I'm seeing the problem through your eyes. However, I think it's likely that the way you've approached your brother has exacerbated the issues; and this is the main source of tension between you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already considered the option of coming on too strong, and I think that it is indeed the cause, even if only partially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T11:11:42.133" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T11:11:42.133" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7048" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7044" CreationDate="2017-11-21T11:27:38.763" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I confront him about this intelligently and really ascertain his willingness to keep doing this? Am I coming on too strong? Should I drop this matter entirely until he himself comes to me for help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the possibility that your brother may have felt some need to please you when he agreed to &quot;bulk up&quot;.  But perhaps that's &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; what he wants for himself and he may feel no personal need to bulk up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My impression is that he &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be feeling that eating as much as you want is not something he wants to do at heart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps the correct approach is to find out if he &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; wants to bulk up and to express to him that if he doesn't want to it's fine and you still love your brother and that if he wants to stop, just say the word and you're good with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people agree to things because they want to please other people, but the answer is sometimes to make sure they know you accept them as-is.  He may simply need to hear this and see you mean it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your brother may feel trapped by the conflicting desire to bulk up to, as he sees it, please you, and his personal desire to just be himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless there is an &lt;em&gt;urgent&lt;/em&gt; medical need for him to eat more, then getting him to do that should be a secondary concern.  Focus on making him feel accepted ans special regardless of size and shape.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T11:27:38.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6436" CreationDate="2017-11-21T11:53:23.390" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You (or your relative) could ask &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; the professional keeps repeating:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hm, you've told me about this website three times already and I acknowledged that I understood. However, I would prefer a referral from you. Is there a reason why you keep repeating this information? Are you unsure whether I understood what you told me? Would you prefer &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to refer me? If so, please say so explicitely - I won't be offended but I need to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, frankly, after the fourth repetition I would have been likely to end the call:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Understood. You've told me about that website four times now and you keep ignoring my request to refer me. It seems to me we're not getting anywhere today - I'll call you back tomorrow. Have a nice day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T11:53:23.390" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6436" CreationDate="2017-11-21T11:57:20.880" Score="12" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Have a more direct conversation about it&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps they are simply forgetting or maybe there is another reason they keep bringing it up. Either way it is best to ask, try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've mentioned that a couple of times now, is there a particular reason you can't do a personal referral?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would lead to a conversation about the subject, rather than simply brushing it off and carrying on. &lt;strong&gt;If the lawyer is forgetting then this might make it sit in their memory a little better&lt;/strong&gt;, if they have some &lt;strong&gt;problem with the process&lt;/strong&gt; and, despite remembering, keep bringing the site up then &lt;strong&gt;you might be able to address this&lt;/strong&gt; or understand better where they're coming from. Remember, they do know the system so there might be a reason - besides talking longer and charging by the hour - behind their actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T11:57:20.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7037" CreationDate="2017-11-21T12:18:03.620" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I agree with other answers that she &lt;strong&gt;might&lt;/strong&gt; be socially anxious and too shy to initiate conversations, there's still a possibility that she is using you. Third variant would be, she is romantically interested in you and knows you're not, so she's trying to cut it while being polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's quite hard to find out what it really is. Most of Asian cultures are built around hiding your real feelings and intentions. Overall &quot;strategy&quot; would depend on her exact origins, i.e. if she's from China you should just confront her and ask everything directly, but if she's from Japan it could hurt her in some cases, etc. (If you tell me her exact background, I'll come up with an acceptable strategy for that culture).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7412" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T12:18:03.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7052" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7072" CreationDate="2017-11-21T12:22:10.857" Score="64" ViewCount="14133" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I visit my parents about one time per month, for one to two days. Sometimes I manage to visit them twice, in rare cases I have to skip a month. So we see each other in person regularly (and, for sure, during some holidays, but this is about the shorter visits.). They know that I can't visit them more often. They live about 3 hours away, and I've been out of the house for around 4 years now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While my dad is pretty relaxed about it, my mom then tries to have everything in perfect condition and planned exactly to my tastes (e. g. musing about the whole week and asking me what I would like to have for dinner or taking care to get me a little present). She also ensures to take care of me in other ways, e. g. by buying me useful items I may need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;She is not a helicopter mom and never was. So don't get a wrong picture of her. She is also not interfering with my day-to-day life (from afar) - it really just concerns her preparations for my visits.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate her efforts very much, but I'm sometimes a bit indecisive and also don't want them to plan everything according to my wishes. &#xA;It causes her more stress than I would like. Sometimes she even mentions that in passing - something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: I couldn't get X done because I had to do Y for you and then ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: I told you that you needn't have done Y for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: It's fine! I'm always glad when you visit us!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: This week was very stressful for me. There was ... during the week,&#xA;  then your visit over the weekend. And now I still have to do ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: I'm sorry that I caused you more stress. Why didn't say anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: Oh no, it's nothing!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I know that she causes her too much stress even if she doesn't say anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I tried&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, I try to tell her that she doesn't need to make such a fuss about it, when she asks me (&quot;It's not necessary that you ...&quot;, &quot;I don't know, just like how you would do if I didn't come ...&quot;). I fear that I come across as nagging - especially if I approach it from the angle of how I feel about it - and she answers that I needn't worry and that she is always happy when I visit. My dad is of no help in this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is for her to treat my visits as if I was still living there - like nothing overly special. After all, I visit my parents to see them, to spend time with them and to talk to them. And I would like her to be able to enjoy it without unnecessary stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I go about telling my mom, that I appreciate all she is doing for me during my visits, but that she needn't cause herself too much work and stress?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Once I even got the idea to surprise them (I had made sure beforehand, that it wouldn't interfere with their plans), but it caused her even more trouble.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T14:51:06.947" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T19:17:48.863" Title="How can I tell my mom to not cause herself so much stress when I'm visiting?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7052" CreationDate="2017-11-21T13:03:55.813" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wonder if you and I have the same mother and are sister/brother, but never mind... :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For decades, my Mom has been exactly the same. Same words, same ideas, same problems, same questions, as the ones you just mentioned to us. And I've tried, just like you. Almost everything, until I reached the point of &quot;&lt;strong&gt;nothing else to say&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;. &lt;em&gt;Mom's always right&lt;/em&gt; :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &quot;Mom, please don't buy too much food, as we don't eat that much, and my GF doesn't eat [ X / Y ] (that you like to buy for us)&quot; to &quot;You'd rather do this like that, son, it's not going to work&quot;, I've said and heard almost everything. &lt;em&gt;Almost&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found out is that Moms (at least, mine, lucky me!) like to take care of their kids. No matter what happens, how old you get, you're still &quot;her kid&quot;. She'll try and protect you, anytime, anywhere, no matter what, or the cost for her. It's part of their pride of being a good Mom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mine thinks I'm still 15. Wish it could be the case, though...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the &quot;too much food&quot; part, I managed to show her that she was wasting, as we couldn't eat everything. Then, ask her, before we visit her, if she could cook &lt;strong&gt;just&lt;/strong&gt; ONE meal, my favourite. And add (on the phone), that it would be the best for me: &lt;strong&gt;spend time with you, and the pleasure of my &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.americancommunityinfrance.com/la-madeleine-de-pr&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Proust's « sponge cake »&lt;/a&gt;&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. That would be the only thing to make me the happiest son of all. Not more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, she was sure that I would have had enough. A Mom's concern. I had deflected, relieved her from willing to do more and more, and the stress attached to it. Then, a loooong, big hug and a gentle kiss on her cheek would be enough for both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't have her stop, then ask for &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt;. YOUR more, just ONE thing she can focus on. It'll be less stress and work for her, but this way, she'll know she has done what &quot;&lt;em&gt;a perfect mother&lt;/em&gt;&quot; has to do: make her kid happy :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Took years before I get the trick, now, it works all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T13:22:11.463" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T13:22:11.463" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7052" CreationDate="2017-11-21T13:12:13.673" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandma used to be just like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found that telling her not to worry makes things significantly worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that vein, I would suggest that you don't explicitly talk to her about stopping to obsess over you. It is likely not going to reduce her stress and anxiety around your visits, but increase it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also found that limiting my visits made things even worse, and that it caused her great emotional distress and made her think she's failing me and I'm distancing because of that. I strongly recommend &lt;strong&gt;against&lt;/strong&gt; doing that. I cannot stress enough how bad of an idea this was for me. I thought at the time I was doing my gran a favor because she wasn't well. Instead, I contributed to her depression by making her think I wanted nothing to do with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found to work is to accept that she'll obsess over you and to steer that in a direction that is helpful to you and doesn't create a lot of stress for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you plan your visits, ask for something simple that you enjoy, like your favorite dish or activity. This has several advantages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It will make her feel needed, which is often the motivation behind this behavior&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It will remove the stress of not knowing if she's doing the right thing (this was the biggest stressor for my grandma back then, she was constantly afraid I wouldn't like what she thought up)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It will make visits easier on you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T05:40:35.723" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T05:40:35.723" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7044" CreationDate="2017-11-21T13:59:32.663" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you are guiding, instead you come across as controlling. Leave your brother alone for a bit, and let him take back control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Any form of self-improvement ultimately has to be controlled by him. He has to &quot;own&quot; it. When you take over, you create resentment, because he is no longer in control.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Doing something for someone with the expectation of a reciprocal action will usually dissappoint. When you give your time and effort, do so without condition or expectation. This is a good rule to follow for general happiness.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't lecture him, he is almost a fully grown adult. Start treating him as an equal. This can be difficult, it needs to be a conscious effort but it will improve your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last point, your brother is in his late teens and has still a few years before he stops growing. He may well get bigger naturally with age. I was skinny in my late teens then filled out in my mid twenties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3964" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T13:59:32.663" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7052" CreationDate="2017-11-21T14:37:00.280" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;This thing with mothers is completely normal. Especially when you are first out of the house &amp;amp; the empty nest syndrome is alive.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find understanding the cause is helpful to me &amp;amp; how I communicate with my parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The anxiety is real, they worry that if you don't enjoy the visit, you won't come to visit as much. Also, keep in mind while there are many love languages - mothers are taught that &quot;acts of service&quot; are how you prove your love.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for my mother, after 5 years of these situations - I told her I wasn't coming back if she kept ruining my time off with all these worries.  Wow, that was the wrong thing to say, her anxiety got worse.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Due to my experience with personal boundaries - I know this is not really my issue &amp;amp; if she had used her issues to guilt me into something, I would have shut the conversation down.&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She didn't though &amp;amp; I could tell she was worse off, not better. This is pretty common - &lt;strong&gt;you can't tell someone not to feel their emotions&lt;/strong&gt; - instead you can help them to walk through them, if you want to - but it's not your responsibility &amp;amp; don't let people guilt you into that ... you should do so only if you want a better relationship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my mother, I let know I was sorry she was more worried &amp;amp; I wanted her to always feel like she can talk to me about her concerns ... that I actually wished she would talk to me more about her concerns instead of my personal preferences. I asked her if she wanted to talk about the causes of her anxiety in relationship to my trips to visit her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For her, she knew what I used to like, but do I still like that type of food dish? Is the place clean enough? Is the dog not bothering me or the girlfriend?  Do I know where the towels are? Did I forget anything like bringing tooth brushes/paste? I had to keep the conversation on track, reminding her gently that this conversation isn't about me - it's about what made her worry when I visited? What would help her feel good enough to relax?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She was worried I wouldn't come back if I didn't enjoy the visit&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She wasn't given sufficient information to plan meals for the visit by me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She was worried I cancelled without telling her or something happened to me on the road when driving (as my normal mode of operation was to get up &amp;amp; drive - in the winter it hits -30 to -50)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She felt, she didn't see me very often, so it was a multiplier to her previous worries&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She wasn't receiving positive feedback in the manner she expected communication wise&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She just wanted to show she loved me by providing me with over the top things she liked herself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She wanted to be reassured of when I would be coming back the next time before we got to planning the current trip&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first 3 were easy. We ended up nailing down a list of things that we could both agree on, like setting a day a week ahead of time to chat for like 15 minutes to let her grocery shop. Then two or three days ahead of time to confirm everything was on schedule. Lastly the day before I would check in early in the day so she knew I was on my way &amp;amp; when I expected to arrive. I additionally said I would call or text at the half way point just to help out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The feedback part was kind of painful, I had to lay out in a calm &amp;amp; measured way to her that I was serious, not insulting her &amp;amp; it took some serious discovery on both of our parts, &quot;Mom what makes you feel good to hear?&quot;, &quot;What do I need to say in order to get your attention to the fact that I'm trying when you bring me coffee/tea or make a meal or leave out towels for us?&quot; I had to learn some new ways of giving the feedback to compliment her style of communication for the other one &amp;amp; work on it. I jotted down some notes &amp;amp; asked for her help in reminding me of this part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We got a list of things she could do for the nice extra touches at meals, when I could say that's enough of the extras &amp;amp; identify she was crossing my boundaries &amp;amp; negatively effecting my mood by violating my wishes to stop doing favors for me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note in all of this, I told her that mistakes always happen &amp;amp; we are just working together to both improve the quality of our friendship. Don't say anything that makes her think breaking the agreement formed here will ruin the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me the last one was the hardest - I hate committing to months ahead of time.  Still working on that &amp;amp; we check in about holidays etc about twice a month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8087" LastEditorUserId="8087" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T19:17:48.863" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T19:17:48.863" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7060" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7034" CreationDate="2017-11-21T14:55:28.237" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem IS the parents. They are allowing their kid to throw things at your window. If they don't know about it, they are negligent; if they do know about it then their inaction is tacit approval.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So forget talking to the child, they are the subject of the complaint but not really the cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to your neighbours in a nice way if you can. Once this is all over you have to continue living next door to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry that I have to bring this to your attention but your child&#xA;  has been throwing toys at my window on repeated occasions. This could&#xA;  break my windows, but either way I cannot tolerate the noise. Please&#xA;  can you make sure this stops?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know about the law in your area but when I have spoken to my local council (in the UK) about neighbour noise they have advised me to keep a written log of incidents. This is because many issues like this are only treated as offences if they happen repeatedly over a prolonged period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should avoid 'threatening' your neighbour (ie &quot;I don't want to have to call the police&quot;) but it might be an idea to get some advice from them so you know what the next step is. Hopefully your neighbour will respond well, but if they don't it is good to be 'one step ahead', perhaps even say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry that you feel that way. I have taken some advice on this, I&#xA;  have been advised to do XYZ but I was hoping we could sort it out&#xA;  between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T14:55:28.237" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7044" CreationDate="2017-11-21T14:56:56.007" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sound like a failure to openly communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going to lead with something that may be misunderstood: you can get most people to agree to something if you leverage their pride, especially with you being the older sibling and most likely him wanting your approval.  Since there has been a clash at this point, I would back off and tell him that you are willing to help when he is ready for it. Then, if you are 'helping/supporting' him, then you should do just that.  Just let him know you are there to help in any way you can, but you are not going to push him into something he doesn't want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have faced this issue internally, externally for weight loss and bulking up and the fact of the matter is that it's difficult.  And with anything that's difficult you must be committed or it will eventually fail. Having said that, being committed is something that cannot be forced on somebody, especially something that spans such a long timeframe.  It's not like you're helping him to move furniture, which most likely he would share the load willingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So why what are the differences here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Time span&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clear goal&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Who benefits&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Who is in control&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I will talk about the first two together: time span and clear goal.  Since the time span for something like this is most likely several years, it helps to break it into smaller portions and assign a goal to each.  I would say set a monthly goal.  This will give feedback and assurance.  It is important here that the first couple goals should be easy, very easy.  Getting quick wins will increase buy-in and effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next two points can also be taken together.  The person who benefits should always ultimately be in control.  This will add ownership which leads to increased responsibility.  There is nothing wrong with cooking for him or helping track calories, but he should be choosing what to cook and what his calorie goals are.  At some point you will need to transition some of this load to him as well, but I'd do it gradually after he has bought in.  Also, if his name is John, I'd suggest naming it the 'John Diet', and treating it like the 'John Diet'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day if it's not important to him, then it's not important to him.  And if this is really about you and not him, then it will be about you and not him.  The main conflict, like most, seems to stem from a lack of communication on both parts.  Finding a structured way to open communication where everyone knows what is expected of them should make this task go much more smoothly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2535" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T14:56:56.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7010" CreationDate="2017-11-21T15:08:50.230" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good friend of mine is very much the same - and always a reason. Here is what I've found to work, as long as you are willing to make some adjustments to how he prefers to (not) plan:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Understand that his way of planning may be &lt;em&gt;different&lt;/em&gt; (not better/worse) than yours&lt;/strong&gt; - Trying to &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; this person adhere to your way of planning is akin to expecting a cat to come whenever you call its name. Set realistic expectations that work with how that person ticks.(See &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.brownandhudson.com/news/article/the-meaning-of-time&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;latin time&lt;/a&gt;&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Set a plan independent from his actions, and consequences&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;(&quot;&lt;em&gt;If I don't hear back from you by 3pm I'll assume we are not meeting tomorrow&lt;/em&gt;&quot;). It still opens the possibility of meeting tomorrow if you hear back after 3pm but everybody knows what the consequence is - you might not be available anymore.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Have a contingency in case it falls through&lt;/strong&gt; - you will end up being less frustrated since them showing up at a certain time, or late, isn't part of the original plan. (&quot;&lt;em&gt;I'll be at the coffee shop from 1-4pm studying, it would be great to catch up with you there.&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Say something&lt;/strong&gt; - Let them know that having a plan a head of time with dates, times, and at least 24 hours notice is truly and very important to you. You may have to gently remind him of this on multiple occasions. The more you go along with their style &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; saying anything the more he may think you are OK with it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some folks are very uncomfortable being relied upon to show up socially at a pre-appointed time. Even expending the mental energy to adhere to a plan can be mentally draining. I don't know what your friend's reason is, but with clear expectations of both sides, helping your friend learn how to respect your values, while respecting theirs, and approaching each interaction with a fresh openness (avoid stacking your frustrations), you can keep a healthy relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6615" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T15:08:50.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7052" CreationDate="2017-11-21T15:28:20.623" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is time to start building a new relationship with your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's imagine you're angry at your mom for making you feel like a guest in &quot;your own home&quot;.  This is reasonable; why would she want you to be a guest? If you were angry, perhaps you'd say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why is it every time I'm here, you spend the whole weekend obsessing&#xA;  about me? Why can't we just have a normal relationship like before? Do&#xA;  you prefer me to feel like a guest, and don't you want me to visit&#xA;  anymore?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on her answer, you start building a new relationship with your mother. The idea with expressing your anger is to start a conversation about what your relationship will become.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if there is not anger? This would be probably too drastic a response for this situation. One idea is when she asks what you want, to demand things that require zero preparation. Would be like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: What do you want to eat this weekend?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Anne: I only want to eat leftovers. When you cook this week, just make a little extra, and I will eat that. Also, cereal for breakfast.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Mom: I won't do that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Anne: How about frozen pizza and frozen burritos?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Mom: What?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Anne: If that doesn't work, let's just eat out for every meal.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Mom: Why?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Anne: Honestly, I don't come there for the food or to be pampered. I come home to spend time with you because I love you. Can we ratchet down the stress on these material things? Besides, it might be fun to just eat junk food together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this for a few weeks; see how she takes it. The idea is to change your relationship with her, and to bring it into a new place where the two of you spend time together instead of her caring for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that for 20+ years her role was to just take care of you, and it will take time for her to adjust to a new relationship. Odds are that she'll like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be a good idea to take an interest in what she is doing to fill her time these days. For example, let's say she is starting a hobby X (knitting? genealogy? Python programming?). In that case, when she asks what you want to do, tell her you want to learn about hobby X. And if she hasn't found hobby X and she's just filling her time dreaming about being your mother again, because that's the best thing she ever did, then maybe you can help her find a place to volunteer. There might be a local teenager who would love a mom-cooked meal once in a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, there should be some sort of transformation in your relationship with your mom, and it should come from you and your communication with her. This will help her immensely in adjusting to her new lifestyle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6067" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T15:42:02.580" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T15:42:02.580" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7064" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7067" CreationDate="2017-11-21T15:58:28.553" Score="32" ViewCount="9320" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hard to come up with a succinct title for this question, but a few sentences should clarify:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner and I are hosting a relative of my partner for a 2 week visit. There's a reoccurring issue which is escalating. &lt;strong&gt;We'll ask the relative if they want to do something we expect they'd enjoy - sometimes activities they specifically voiced interest in - and the relative declines the activity based on reasons why &lt;em&gt;we&lt;/em&gt; wouldn't want to do it or why they don't want to put &lt;em&gt;us&lt;/em&gt; through the trouble. That's what I mean by offloading their indecision on us under the guise of caring about our preference.&lt;/strong&gt; If they actually listened to our preference, they wouldn't put the fault or reasons on us for why not to do various activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, let's say this relative expressed interest in going out to dinner as we plan for the day. We'll agree, but then when it's time to go out to dinner and we discuss where to go or get ready to go, this relative will implore us to stay home - &quot;Oh, you both seem tired, wouldn't you rather stay home?&quot; or &quot;There's no need for us to go out and spend money, we can just stay home and cook, you two don't need to go out of your way for me.&quot; We'll patiently confirm we &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to go out, and that the issues this relative raises are nonissues for us. We'll ask if &lt;em&gt;they'd&lt;/em&gt; prefer to stay in and we can be flexible, but their response is always about &lt;em&gt;us&lt;/em&gt; and never about &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; (e.g. &quot;Oh, I'm fine to go out or to stay in, but we should stay in because you two ___________&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As noted, this has escalated. It occurs in minor events throughout the day, and it can be difficult to carry on in our usual routines or do the activities this relative expressed interest in doing. There is always an excuse about us and avoiding their own preference. We tried patiently accepting this behavior as an indicator of their preference, but then they contradict themselves by noting boredom or suggesting activities (which they'd later resist).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner tried to address this to their relative sincerely, pointing out that this behavior is rejecting positive experiences as if it were &lt;em&gt;our&lt;/em&gt; fault or preference, but in reality those are often nonissues and it's as if this relative is 'putting words in our mouth' so to speak. They tried to be kind, but had lost their patience with this reoccurring behavior. As has happened when confronting this relative about anything that may be a fault or weakness of theirs, they became very dramatic and portrayed themselves as the victim of my partner's meanness. (They're not an easy personality to work with but are a relative we care about nonetheless.) This has created an uncomfortable situation and maybe an early end to this visit (on the relative's request, not ours - we'd prefer an amicable remainder to their planned stay and enjoying activities together which we all looked forward to). So whether for now or future encounters, I wonder: &lt;strong&gt;How to deal with person offloading their indecision on their host under guise of caring for assumptions of the host's preference?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit following up on initial answers: Thanks for the replies all. We already tried what was suggested often, which is basically 'calling the bluff' and either not going out if they resist doing so, or go out anyway and invite them along. It mostly works...they'll come enjoy dinner with us, but in the end of the night still follow up with the &quot;I'm only looking out for you&quot; stuff. E.g. if they said &quot;no need to go out, you both are probably tired&quot; then after a satisfying dinner if we yawn they'd say &quot;What did I tell you? You're both so tired, we shouldn't have gone out.&quot; That further strains our patience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After my partner confronted their relative about this behavior, then tried to make peace by going to do the activity with or without the relative but calmly inviting them first. That contributed to this relative dramatically feeling like the victim and wanting to go home (which is an expensive change of flight schedule in this case). So to conclude...seems most agree 'calling their bluff' is the way to go for this type of behavior, but in this situation, there are other issues (overdramatic, feeling like the victim, rash decisions) at play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1963" LastEditorUserId="1963" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T17:11:38.733" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T21:08:16.760" Title="How to deal with person offloading their indecision on their host under guise of kindness?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7064" CreationDate="2017-11-21T16:17:41.593" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have never had to deal with people getting back on their decision, but I have had to deal with the indecision of my brothers when we visited Disneyland.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asked &lt;em&gt;'What ride shall we go on next?'&lt;/em&gt; they gave absolutely no suggestions. &#xA;When I picked one, they suddenly had better ideas, or just bashed the ride I picked without suggesting another one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution was a bit childish, and not very tactical, but worked perfectly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I picked a ride. When they started the arguing again, I just told them: Well, whatever. I'm going on this ride. You can come, or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They got mad, I got irritated. But in the end, I went on the ride and they went to do something else in the meantime. When we met up again, I apologized for being a bit childish and they realized their behavior wasn't really making the trip fun either. We ended up completing the original plan of doing every ride, without much trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking the same approach for dealing with the relative might just work here as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just point out that you agreed on going out to dinner that morning. Then, when they come up with the nonsensical excuses, make a stand. You're going out to eat. The relative can stay at home if they want to, or they can come along. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they see you going on a trip anyways, they don't have to feel bad. So, they won't feel they have to be 'polite' and give you a chance to stay at home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even better, organize a trip that's not prompted by the relative saying 'I would like to eat out' or 'I'm bored'. If they see you planning the trips only in reaction to that, it will probably increase their guilt and the feeling that 'you're only doing it for them'. It will help them realize that not only are you going on trips anyways, you're also organizing them anyways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T16:17:41.593" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7052" CreationDate="2017-11-21T16:26:34.097" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I go about telling my mom, that I appreciate all she is doing for me during my visits, but that she needn't cause herself too much work and stress?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already tried talking to her about this, and she brushes it aside. She doesn't want &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to stress over what &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; does. But both of you are left feeling stressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend that you have a serious, adult-to-adult talk with her. Make it sound official and important, so your words carry some weight and aren't casually dismissed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, I have something important to talk to you about. Is there a time when I come home this weekend when we can sit quietly for an hour or two to talk? Great! I'm looking forward to our talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she asks what it's about, tell her it's about something that has been bothering &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, and you'd like her opinion on the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, prepare everything you want her to &lt;em&gt;really hear&lt;/em&gt; (with examples), summarize the main points as prompts for the conversation, and have the sit down. Make this more about you than about her. If she gives you quick, reassuring answers like &quot;But it's nothing!&quot;, remind her that it's not nothing &lt;em&gt;to you&lt;/em&gt;, and she has indicated in the past that it's not nothing to her, either, when it interferes with her routine. If she insists, I would tell her gently (but as forcefully as needed to be heard) that she's not listening honestly to your concerns. If you're conversant with love languages (which are more complex than presented in most articles), you can ask her about hers and you can express yours honestly. If receiving a gift when you visit isn't really in your love language, you can tell her that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't nagging. This is about having a more balanced relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually when I advise something like this, I advocate setting some kind of boundary. I'm not sure that's the thing to do yet. In a year or two, maybe. But to her, you're probably still fresh out of college, and see if this talk helps at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Follow this up (if I may give advice not asked for) by actions that spell out your adulthood at home. Make some meals. Wash the dishes, your bedding, the towels you used, etc., and put them away before you go. If your mom tries to dissuade you from doing this, tell her you're serious about making your visits less work for her. This may make her fuss even more initially, but that's fine. You're backing up your talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a similar problem to your mom's. I know this because of the glass of wine I usually pour myself an hour before my kids come over. I try to hide it (the stress) but my kids know me. I've never tried to change it. I might, though, in light of this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some things my kids do to make it less stressful for me (though I've never asked.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Several times a year, they invade my house, groceries, kitchen utensils and small appliances in tow, and do all the cooking and clean-up. This is wonderful for me; it's truly low stress. All I need to do is enjoy their company, their thoughtfulness, express appreciation, and praise the food, which is always good. If I try to help, they insist, &quot;No helping!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I extend an invite, I ask them what they would like to have. If they answer me, great. I don't have to worry about what they want. So, tell your mom what you want, and if it's relatively simple (grilled chicken and veggies), then great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;This is &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; problem; I don't know what my kids could say to make it go away. I know that it's rooted in love, and how I show love. It's a desire to make my children feel loved, but it's maybe not really necessary or even in their love language. But this is food for future thought and a conversation I will be having with each of my kids. Thanks for asking this question.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T16:26:34.097" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7064" CreationDate="2017-11-21T16:29:22.503" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandmother acts like this, too. It has happened enough that my parents generally gave up trying to discuss it, and simply make a decision, thereby calling her bluff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: Do you want to go to this restaurant for dinner?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: Oh, I would, but it's far away, I'm sure you probably would rather stay home.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: It's fine, I've been looking forward to trying it out! I'll go start the car!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hooray, action! Now they can either admit &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; didn't want to go, or accept that it really is something you wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The opposite can work as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: Are you interested in seeing a movie this afternoon?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: It sounds nice but movies are so expensive, there's no need to go spend all that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: It's no big deal, really.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: No no I don't want to impose.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: Alright, we'll stay in then.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then &lt;strong&gt;refuse to entertain passive-aggressive comments&lt;/strong&gt;. For example, if they talk about how much time they've been spending at the house, remind them that they said they were fine with staying in. Would they like to go out now? No? Okay then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might seem a little harsh, but it sounds like you've already tried the nice route, and they're bent on playing the martyr. There's nothing bad about assuming they're being honest! Hopefully, it will get them to realize they should say what they mean. And if they don't... well, you can still go on with your life instead of continuing to play their games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Response to edit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;E.g. if they said &quot;no need to go out, you both are probably tired&quot; then after a satisfying dinner if we yawn they'd say &quot;What did I tell you? You're both so tired, we shouldn't have gone out.&quot; That further strains our patience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So they're still fishing... don't give them any ammunition to say you did something you didn't want to do. Even if you are tired because of going out, emphasize that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; chose to do it, and you accept responsibility for the consequences. You could even reply with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Worth it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;with a big smile on your face :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, make sure you have enough alone time with your partner to decompress during these visits. When you're up against a stubbornly dramatic person, &quot;grin and bear it&quot; can be the best way to avoid drama, but don't neglect your own emotional needs in the meantime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T19:14:26.763" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T19:14:26.763" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7064" CreationDate="2017-11-21T16:37:20.643" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This can be difficult and annoying. I know, because I'm like your relative sometimes. I suggest two strategies, one long-term and one short-term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In the short run, be extremely explicit about your need to know what your relative wants. Ask directly and with emphasis: &quot;You told me what I want, but I know that already. What do &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; want?&quot; You can also express how you feel about your relative not helping: &quot;I feel really frustrated with this answer. Maybe you just want to be polite, but this is not at all what I need.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In the long run, &lt;strong&gt;try not to consider your relative's presumed wishes&lt;/strong&gt;. You may decide, for example, &quot;it doesn't seem to make a difference to you, so we will just do X,&quot; and say so. This may seem impolite and somewhat passive-aggressive, but so is your relative. More importantly, it is impossible to consider someone's preference if they don't make their preference known. And you can only ask for what's possible. At some point, your relative will feel overlooked and begin to be more explicit about what they want. They may have to get used to this first, become irritated or even angry. But that's part of the learning process.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T16:37:20.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7044" CreationDate="2017-11-21T16:40:06.413" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to take a slightly different approach to this, as someone who is working to &quot;get bigger&quot; and healthier themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps your approach is either too much for him right away, &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; just isn't going to work for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone has different ways to handle these types of things that work better for them. Maybe the meals you're planning for him don't taste very good to him. In that case, I can see why he wouldn't want to eat them. As he is your brother, and likely to some extent looks to you as a role model, I can also see how he may be hesitant to &lt;em&gt;tell you&lt;/em&gt; that he doesn't like them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he does like them, it might be that you're pushing him too fast. Long term habits take time to build, and trying to build a huge habit all at once is difficult for a lot of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take the time to sit down with your brother and ask him some questions to figure out if this is the problem. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You've tried my method for a short time now. What do you think about it? I noticed you're having some trouble and I want to help you succeed, if this is still what you want to do. If you don't, you need to tell me so I'm not pushing you to do something you don't want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then really listen to what he has to say. Try your best to keep calm and open about this, and not to let it devolve into an argument. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he says it's too much all at once, try scaling back. Perhaps instead of every meal being planned, try starting with just one. Instead of counting calories for every meal, teach him to track one meal a day. After a couple weeks, when he's really getting the hang of things, move him up to two meals a day. Start teaching him small steps first, and he'll have a better chance to integrate them fully into his life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give an example, my mother worries about my health, as mothers do. She often gives advice and really pushes for me to do things like exercise and change my diet. Trying to please her has me burnt out on trying to change many things at once, which does me no good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likewise, my younger brother tries to help. This is worse, as he is 1) much more fit and able to do things than me, 2) living with me, and 3) a veteran who knows so many more exercises and tips and tricks than I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I finally had to tell my brother that I love him, and I love that he's trying to help me, but I just cannot make changes at the pace he's wanting me to. He was pushing me too hard, and it both made me hate what I was doing and made me feel like a failure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once my brother backed off and I stopped trying to please my mother, I started to slowly make changes. Instead of chips and candy bars to snack at work, I have protein snacks. Instead of never exercising, I moved my equipment to my office, so I can catch up on things I've missed while doing some reps. Instead of just sitting all the time at work, I switch between sitting, standing, and going for walks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;sub&gt;All of this advice I have gotten and used from &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.nerdfitness.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;Nerd Fitness&quot;&gt;Nerd Fitness&lt;/a&gt; and articles they have linked to. The example I had in mind, or one of them, is &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/power-of-habit/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Habit Change for Newbies&lt;/a&gt;. You may be able to find other useful advice, or even other things for you and your brother to try, there.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T17:15:23.823" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T17:15:23.823" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7064" CreationDate="2017-11-21T16:40:55.753" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually dealt with this sort of thing just last night with my date. She tends to have really good and specific tastes and I couldn't really care less most of the time, so in an effort to make her happy I try to yield and let her pick something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problems arise when she wants me to pick a restaurant, for instance. She wants me to be happy and doesn't always want to take the lead with these minor decisions... The problem is I tend to pick the wrong thing. Which leads to a negotiation about something I don't really care much about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I do this is because I'm easy going when it comes to those things and I realize that others often aren't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things can get much much worse when both parties are the easy going sort. Tends to lead to a lot of long aimless drives... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anywho. The solution that usually works for me is to just pick something that seems to fit, or just pick something randomly. When it's a &lt;em&gt;6 vs half dozen&lt;/em&gt; I just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;6 sounds really good, haven't had 6 in a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they then suggest &lt;em&gt;half dozen&lt;/em&gt; I just go with it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alright, half dozen it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People usually want to be accommodating, sometimes people will go a little overboard with that instinct and land in the &quot;I don't want to be a bother&quot; camp. When you get the sense that it's not indecision, but rather not wanting to be a burden, you can assure them that they're not and demonstrate your interest or desire to do the things they're interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get the &quot;don't want to be a bother&quot; thing quite a bit when relatives visit me in &lt;em&gt;Sunny Florida&lt;/em&gt;... They're on vacation and want to do the usual touristy things like going to the beach, theme parks, and so on. That's what people who don't live here want to do here, and being local I don't really do them unless I'm entertaining. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There can be the misguided assumption that I'd rather not do the touristy stuff because I do them &quot;all the time&quot; because they're so readily available. This is usually solved by something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh the beach? I haven't been in ages. That sounds like fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="2002" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T16:53:35.827" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T16:53:35.827" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7052" CreationDate="2017-11-21T16:42:10.380" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Empty nester here. In the long run, things change but Time only flows one way. And please don't underestimate the pain of children leaving home. It really is like grieving for many parents. So redirect the affection into spending &lt;em&gt;time&lt;/em&gt; together. This could be&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Mom, let's make that cake together on Sunday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I haven't seen that park since I was 12. Let's visit it again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These opportunities give her time to work with you as an adult and you time to spend with your mom. Oh and don't forget dads too. If your dad is a handy kind of guy, a day out at the flea market looking at the old tools is a great way to spend time with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4365" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-23T12:47:32.797" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T12:47:32.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7072" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7052" CreationDate="2017-11-21T16:50:46.373" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;You asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is for her to treat my visits as if I was still living there - like nothing overly special. After all, I visit my parents to see them, to spend time with them and to talk to them. And I would like her to be able to enjoy it without unnecessary stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I go about telling my mom, that I appreciate all she is doing for me during my visits, but that she needn't cause herself too much work and stress?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal is for her to be more relaxed about your visits, and you ask how to talk to her about that. Telling her clearly and compassionately how you feel about this is &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; step toward reaching your goal, but there's an underlying problem here. Your mom is probably acting this way toward you because it's a way for her to show her love. Even if you do successfully convince her that what she's doing is unnecessary (and maybe even a source of stress and discomfort), she'll still be left with the urge to show her love for you but now without her usual way of doing it. I assume it's not the case that you want her to love you less (or show it less) but rather that you'd like to change the dynamic in your relationship that makes her show her love by doing things for you all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/7059/5144&quot;&gt;Mirv's answer&lt;/a&gt; hit the nail on the head with this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;keep in mind while there are many love languages - mothers are taught that &amp;quot;acts of service&amp;quot; are how you prove your love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some existing answers talk about ways to redirect this impulse so your mom does things that a) really do please you and b) don't cause her too much stress. That's a great idea, but I recommend complementing that approach with another tactic: &lt;strong&gt;Try to open up more ways for you and your mom to communicate and show love by shifting the nature of your relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're an adult now, and your mom is too. Your relationship can change into one where you love and respect each other as peers. It sounds like your mom shows love to you by keeping you clean, fed and comfy, but she likely has other ways she shows love to other people (her husband, friends, etc.) --- she can do it, she's just not doing it with you. Here are some ways you can shift your role in the relationship, to help move it from caregiving to reciprocity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You offer to cook. Tell your mom you want to do your share of cooking for the family and say you'll go to the grocery store to get everything once you're in town. Do the dishes after and clean up the kitchen. Note that you need to do this regularly enough that it's not a special occasion for you to cook. You should make dinner several times when you come to stay for a week, maybe even every night for some visits.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her about herself. This is something kids tend to forget to do --- they often see parents just as comforting presences that only matter in terms of how they relate to the child. She has adult stuff on her mind, and if you ask her about it the two of you can talk as peers, and you can be a source of comfort and guidance for her as much as she is for you (a powerful way to show love). Note that this can be a little alarming when you start doing it; you'll find out that she's not invincible, not a perfect angel. You may find out that she's made bad decisions, has regrets, is confused or anxious or depressed --- be ready for her to be a whole person, not just your mom. You'll also get to know her in a new and deeper way, which is wonderful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look for ways to take responsibility, and look for ways to care for her as much as she cares for you. Take the garbage out without being asked. Make plans and organize things; don't wait for her to take care of everything. If you see she's reading, ask if she'd like a coffee. Get up early and make her breakfast. The goal here is to &lt;em&gt;show&lt;/em&gt; her that you can take care of things, too, and that your relationship doesn't need to be one where she just gives and gives. In other words, pretend that you're both the mom. :)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this will be a slow transition, for both of you probably. You may find that trying to really &amp;quot;pull your weight&amp;quot; as a grownup at home means a lot of work you're not used to doing (or even thinking about), and it may take a while for you to get the hang of it. Your mom will also probably take a while to stop thinking about your relationship as just &amp;quot;mom-child&amp;quot;, and may resist your efforts to take responsibility and interact with her as an adult. She might act like she's just humouring you for a while, or try to still take responsibility for everything behind your back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep at it, and keep showing her you love her with the reciprocal acts of an adult relationship, and not with the innocent, selfish love of a child.&lt;/strong&gt; The truth is that moms are just people like the rest of us, and they like to be taken care of as much as children do. There's a good chance she would love to have a reciprocal relationship with you, instead of always having to be the mom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do continue to let her take care of you sometimes, though. It's not that you don't want her ever to take care of you, it's that you don't want her to feel that she has to. &amp;lt;3&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-26T21:35:14.037" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6940" CreationDate="2017-11-21T17:36:45.597" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would avoid any kind of direct confrontation, because this is a &lt;strong&gt;sensitive&lt;/strong&gt; topic. He is probably not aware of his problem, so addressing this issue openly can cause embarrassment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Involving other people is also &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; the best route, as someone could give you away and then you will be known as the one who talks ill of other colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would leave an anonymous and gentle note stating the problem on his desk. If your identity would become obvious by leaving this note, the next best solution would be an e-mail from a manager asking people to eat more quietly in their cubicles, avoid loud music and other common rules of etiquette.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8670" LastEditorUserId="8670" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T17:46:40.047" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T17:46:40.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7074" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-21T18:58:40.063" Score="19" ViewCount="1449" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My workplace uses key fobs to enter our building in all 4 locations except the entrance that opens up to the front desk. These locations are distributed fairly evenly on each side of the building. Recently, security is investing effort into ensuring no one is &quot;piggy backing&quot; off of anyone else's key fob to get into the building. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's my understanding that historically these efforts have long been taken lightly, as the company is fairly small and everyone tends to know each other (meaning there's a general assumption that we all know who we can let in, and that even if we did, surely it would be quickly discovered that they didn't belong here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Issue&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't personally feel our building security is at great risk, but I'd like to appease both parties (security team and friendly coworkers) and avoid being caught in an awkward confrontation, in which I could get reprimanded.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of this, I feel it's better to just follow the rules altogether.  The problem is that I don't feel comfortable with any approach I've thought of on my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My instinct is to say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you mind scanning your key fob since they've asked us to not allow each other in anymore?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but I've always backed down from saying anything at fear of receiving an eye roll by my peers, as no one else seems to take this seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, I'm terrible with faces.  It's difficult for me to tell the difference between a stranger and 75% of the people that work in this building with me, even though I see them all frequently and most of them know me by name. Because of this, I feel like it would come off as rude to admit I don't recognize one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I'm usually able to avoid this situation by pacing my steps differently from others approaching the door, I'd like to be prepared for the next situation in which I'm unable to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the best way I can ask someone to follow this security requirement without sounding like a stickler?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T16:42:01.617" Title="How to ask someone to follow security protocol without sounding rude or commanding?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7074" CreationDate="2017-11-21T19:07:03.223" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi!  Sorry, can you do me a favor? I have to ask you to scan your fob, would you mind?  We've had to tighten procedures lately due to a recent incident.  It's nothing personal, again, sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, the &quot;recent incident&quot; is them telling you to tighten up security.  But the two things that you need to convey are&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's nothing personal&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've been told to do so.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2017-11-21T19:21:31.960" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T19:21:31.960" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7064" CreationDate="2017-11-21T20:01:09.643" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Other answers have covered strategies of just dealing with it practically, but the annoying thing about this kind of situation is that they are firmly planting themselves on the moral high ground and tell you how you're feeling, not leaving room for your &lt;em&gt;actual&lt;/em&gt; feelings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on your relationship with the person, it might be worth trying the (admittedly more uncomfortable) approach of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you do x I feel (manipulated, belittled, controlled, annoyed, etc.) and I would like you to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, this gives them the benefit of the doubt of them meaning well. They may not even realize what they're doing it or how it affects you. Likely thinking they are actually helping you. If they're not being purposefully manipulative (which is a bigger problem) it should allow for more honesty about this kind of thing in the future, or at least give a starting point for dealing with it together rather than unilaterally trying to fix the problem rather than just avoid it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a short cut, in my experience someone saying something like &quot;I won't be offended if you don't/do want to do x, and I would rather you didn't assume our feeling when making your decision&quot; usually short-circuits the passive-aggressive co-dependentness I'm all to familiar with in the midwest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3637" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T20:01:09.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7078" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-21T20:38:30.800" Score="14" ViewCount="1254" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a minor social party for friends and it doesn't go very well. You've been there for an hour or two and it's not really lightening up. You want to go home but have no pragmatic reasons, you just don't enjoy the party anymore. But of course, it would be rude just to disappear, especially if there's only a few of you there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say you don't have any excuses or don't want to make up any, but you want to be sociable and say a proper goodbye when leaving to cut off the awkward feeling of both you and the host that you spent your time on something. You want to stay open but don't want to ruin your realtionship with your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to excuse yourself politely without making up excuses?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="171" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-08T11:18:54.993" LastActivityDate="2019-03-08T11:18:54.993" Title="How to say you already want to leave the party decently (you're just bored)?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;saying-goodbye&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7030" CreationDate="2017-11-21T21:07:09.770" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In all likelihood you aren't going to get your money. He's lying to you for a reason. If he had any intention to give you the money, he would have done it already. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can attempt to get it from him by confronting him, I'd suggest explaining the situation with the evidence to 1 or more other family members and bringing them along. It's a shame tactic, but he should be ashamed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, and it is a substantial amount of money, I would file a small claims case at your local court. For amounts under $5000 it can be done by individuals, but you will have to do substantial research into the process. If it's more than that, then you need a lawyer to help you navigate through a circuit court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all likelihood, it's gone. Brace yourself for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9216" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T21:07:09.770" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7064" CreationDate="2017-11-21T21:44:05.910" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tend to use one of two approaches when working with people who act like this, because from my perspective people who do this are often fishing for attention. They are trying to get me to openly express that their desires take precedence over my own.  I don't like this, it's not a healthy coping strategy for them, and I generally choose to short circuit it when it happens as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Assert my desire, move forward&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are essentially re-opening the conversation as to what we should do as a group.  In this instance, I'll go ahead and let them know what my desire is, and give them an opportunity to express their desire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate your concern.  I would like to go, and I'd like to go with you.  However I'm not going to twist your arm.  I'll miss you if you choose to stay home, but I understand you are feeling unsure about going.  Is there anything I can do to reassure you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Call them out on their disrespect&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing this they are putting words in my mouth, or thoughts and feelings in my head and body.  This is inappropriate behavior for them, and depending on the situation it's appropriate for me to assert that I'm a responsible adult and capable of determining my own emotions and physical state, and they should not take it upon themselves to do so. I might do this if the first tactic results in them continuing to assume my feelings or physical state.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate your concern for my well-being, and I know this comes from a place of love, but I hope you understand that because we are so close I will always tell you if I need to change our plans, or if I'm not feeling well enough to have fun with you. You don't need to feel responsible to figure out if I'm too tired to participate, I'll let you know for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T21:44:05.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7082" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7064" CreationDate="2017-11-21T21:49:36.850" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I agree mostly with the accepted answer, I wanted to note certain things which were too long for a comment, so I have to submit this as an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer. I am not a medic/psychologist and this is solely my non-professional opinion based on my experience and on what I have read about the subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In similar situations it has been very helpful to me to interpret them in terms of mind games, as proposed by &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;transactional analysis&lt;/a&gt; -- a reasonably poopular psychoanalytic theory initially developed by Eric Berne in the 1950ies, and since then advanced some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For our purposes, transactional analysis says that a lot of the behaviour you see around you every day can best be understood as different kinds of &quot;games&quot;. A game is a pattern of behaviour usually involving two or perhaps three people. There is a series of interactions, followed by an emotional payoff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because there is so little opportunity for intimacy in daily life, and&#xA;  because some forms of intimacy (especially if intense) are&#xA;  psychologically impossible for most people, the bulk of the time in&#xA;  serious social life is taken up with playing games. Hence games are&#xA;  both necessary and desirable, and the only problem at issue is whether&#xA;  the games played by an individual offer the best  yield for him. In&#xA;  this connection it should be remembered that the essential feature of&#xA;  a game is its culmination, or payoff. The principal function of the&#xA;  preliminary moves is to set up the situation for this payoff, but they&#xA;  are always designed to harvest the maximum permissible satisfaction at&#xA;  each step as a secondary product.&#xA;  //&quot;Games People Play: The psychology of human relationships&quot;, E.Berne, New York: Ballantine Books, 2004.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Transactional analysis &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.ericberne.com/games-people-play/life-games/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;lists a number of games&lt;/a&gt;, such as &quot;Alcoholic&quot;, &quot;I'm Only Trying To Help You&quot;, etc., describing the difference between what is said aloud and what kinds of &lt;em&gt;transactions&lt;/em&gt; are going on in reality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, in your case, it would appear that your relative is engaged in a kind of &quot;Why Don't You -- Yes But&quot; game, where you are offering various solutions, which are discarded, until you run out of options. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears also that there is a twist here that your relative essentially tries to control your behavior: either you don't go to the activity because of him/her or, if you go, she/he can shift into victim mode and demand pacification with a threat of early leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the first case the relative has succesfully controlled your movement, in the second (s)he has controlled your behaviour, so it's a win/win for the relative in terms of transactional analysis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming this is correct, the anthitesis for &quot;Why Don't You -- Yes But&quot; would in general be to offer no counterarguments, but to say some things to the effect of &quot;That is a bit of a problem. What are you going to do about it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it seems that this cancellation of the relative's game throws him/her into victim mode, as it might be that for the person playing the game, it is too valuable and he deeply resents it being cancelled on him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Beyond their social function in structuring time satisfactorily, some&#xA;  games are urgently necessary for the maintenance of health in certain&#xA;  individuals. These people's psychic stability is so precarious, and&#xA;  their positions are so tenuously maintained, that to deprive them of&#xA;  their games may plunge them into irreversible despair and even&#xA;  psychosis. Such people will fight very hard against any antithetical&#xA;  moves.&#xA;  // ibid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, while it would be possible to effectively not participate in what your relative does, the risk is that s/he will feel bad about it and maybe indeed leave early. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that it is generally not worth exposing the person's game, unless they are already prepared to admit they are playing them. Otherwise it will most probably result in their denial of any such &quot;silliness&quot; and giving them a feeling of alienation towards you (&quot;how could they think I am thinking of anything but their welfare! Really!&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3108" LastActivityDate="2017-11-21T21:49:36.850" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7037" CreationDate="2017-11-22T02:18:14.687" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The simple truth about friendships is that a friendship isn't a contract.  Nobody in a friendship is obliged to do anything for the friendship.  If a friendship works, it's because both people are doing as much as they want to do and are happy with that. A friendship can work when one person is initiating all of the contact and the other is merely accepting, if both people are happy with that. You can't demand a friend to have a certain level of commitment or to increase their level of commitment. If you're not happy with the friendship, the onus is not on the other person to step up. The friendship will go where it is naturally destined to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Lately, I've become discontent with the state of our friendship. From reflection and looking at our chat history, she has never asked me to do something with her (i.e. hang out); it's always been me asking her to do something. She also never messages me first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but the fact that you don't like this indicates you expect more. You may have to adjust your expectations. You can't force someone to be more of a friend than they are comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The problem: I feel like I am being used. She never initiates conversations or asks me to hang out. If she does initiate a conversation, which is very rare, it's because she needs help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing inherently wrong with asking someone for help with things, if you are not close friends with them. There is no obligation on the person asking for help to agree to initiate more contact with you or spend time with you in return for getting help. If you are not comfortable giving help to her on the basis that she doesn't seem to want to do these things for you in return, then you are not obliged to help.  But if you want to be her friend, I don't see why you wouldn't help her unconditionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You claim that you are being &quot;used&quot; - this mentality seems to come from the idea that she owes you something in return. She doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What I would like: I'd like her to ask me to hang out and do things together or at least not always be asking me for help. Note that I'm NOT interested in a romantic relationship. I would like to be (good) friends and leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't want to do that, she's not obliged to.  We don't always get what we would like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I communicate what I would like to her gently and without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're going to have to be careful with this because just from the way you write your post, it seems you are assuming that you are entitled to various levels of commitment from her, which you aren't.  Consider that she simply isn't interested in the level of friendship from you which you think she should be.  You may ask her why she never seems to ask to hang out.  Remember the rule: if you ask, you have to be prepared to listen to the answer, even if it's not one you would like to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many others are talking about the possibility she has social anxiety. I used to have this to a crippling degree, so I am not ignorant of this.  A person with severe social anxiety is still able to communicate that they really like talking to you and hanging out with you.  They may not initiate contact so much (or at all), but it should be clear from their body language / reaction that they do indeed enjoy spending time with you.  And if directly asked if they like spending time with you, they are capable of saying yes (they may also be incapable of saying no if they really &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt;, but that's another story).  So yes I do acknowledge this, but it makes the rest of the answer, about level of expectation, no less true.  Be very careful of developing the idea that if they have social anxiety, you are going to help &lt;em&gt;fix&lt;/em&gt; them. If you receive any resistance to this, don't push it. You can't force people into the role of accepting your advice, and they could well still want to do something about it, just not with your help.  Anyway, we haven't established if the social anxiety theory is anything more than a theory at this stage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastEditorUserId="8884" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T02:26:11.853" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T02:26:11.853" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7084" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7151" CreationDate="2017-11-22T07:03:02.147" Score="16" ViewCount="6316" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been together with my girlfriend (let's call her Alice) for about one and a half years, with most part of it being long-distance due to her father working in another country and bringing the whole family with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After about six months (earlier this year) into the long-distance part, Alice began to develop a very bad body image and resorted to eating almost nothing or vomiting her meals. She has been to a clinic for help and has seen doctors, and has gotten better as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem here is, I'm kind of at a loss of how to help her since I'm so far away and it seems to be coming back and getting worse. I did try to give her some advice on healthy weight loss but Alice took offense. I wasn't very forceful or anything, I merely suggested a diet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm Asian and she's European if this information helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's trying the low-carb high-fat ketogenic diet and since Alice is a vegetarian, her diet as it is, sounds unhealthy and I kind of want to help convince her that it isn't healthy and such without coming off as mean or as if I'm trying to control her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The diet was something she got from a video she watched on Facebook (as she showed me the video). The professionals advised her to have a well-rounded diet (based on what they served at the clinic during her 3-month stay there). I also feel the diet is affecting her health negatively because she always complains about being tired and sleepy. As a result, she often takes multiple naps throughout the day even when she has had a solid 8-9 hours of sleep. She told me she doesn't need a doctor when I suggested seeing one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I'm terrible at supporting or helping someone without sounding like a know-it-all, is there any good ways that I could introduce or convince her that her weight and health is decent and should not need to limit her diet in such a way that affects her badly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice and her Sister begun something where they would find interesting dishes and cook for each other on different days and also starting on some yoga and stretches. Her sister told her that yoga helps with feeling more energetic and less tired (didn't focus on the exercise part). Alice really seems to enjoy this and she tells me about it in an excited way. It seems that focusing on other things than her diet and lifestyle directly makes her much more receptive. I'm hoping to see improvements in the following weeks. Thanks all! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="9229" LastEditDate="2017-11-26T05:36:22.013" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T14:52:22.950" Title="How can I help my partner with her body image without offending her?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;eating&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7085" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7052" CreationDate="2017-11-22T07:53:29.797" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see all the effort you put when I come visit. It's really kind of you to take care of me so well every time. I love these visits. Everything you do and prepare is really great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best part about being with you is actually being with you. If you are stressed about all the things you have to do, you are less present. It's more difficult to talk and actually connect when stress is around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have a lot of time to visit more, so in these visits I think it'll be best if we all put an effort to take good care of ourselves and feel good. Of course I'm happy to be with you in any condition, life is not always pleasant and relaxed. But when you insist of working so much when I come while being so busy with other stuff, it's kind of missing the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom, let's keep it casual. We were living together long enough for that! I'm coming home to be with you, all the other stuff are not important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Love you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you're there, be active and create the new situation you wish for, e.g. make a simple dinner, help with arrangements, simplify things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;There is no problem with the amount of work your mother puts in, only with the emotional outcome. If she's able to do the same without receiving stress, let her do her thing. Maybe she needs it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Truth is, her stress is not caused by your visits at all. She experiences a fair amount of stress even when you're not around. The best solution here is to cure the real source of the stress using different techniques (IMHO eastern ones seem to be working faster than western ones).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7611" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T13:25:54.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7087" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-22T09:30:42.677" Score="16" ViewCount="5960" Body="&lt;p&gt;About 1.5 months ago I got to know a girl that lives 5 minutes away from me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We wrote for 1-2 days, then met. The first two times just talking with each other and then, at a concert, making out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short. We have been kinda &amp;quot;dating&amp;quot; now for the past 1.5 months. Sometimes going out together with friends. And mostly me going to her place in the evening to spend the night together. (If relevant we already did everything from making out to sleeping with each other a couple of times).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can sometimes be a little hot headed, but I really like her and I believe vice versa. The thing is that she seems very locked at telling emotions or saying things like &amp;quot;I love you&amp;quot; (like in the non-relationship style &amp;quot;hab dich lieb&amp;quot; in German. The not so serious version) and very rarely says that she really likes me, although when I am with her she is a cuddle beast, so to say. Let's say, she &lt;strong&gt;shows&lt;/strong&gt; the affection that she seems unwilling to spell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now what really bothers me a bit is that I have no clue how this will continue as we are in the same position as we were a month ago. Not in a relationship, but openly &amp;quot;being together&amp;quot; if that makes sense? So we show that we are &amp;quot;with each other&amp;quot; in public with friends, family (my brother, cousin who live in the same town) and she is talking about me and us openly with her parents as well. That confuses me a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has also hinted that she does not want a relationship, but because she is a person that cannot express emotions that well, I don't know if that is really meant seriously or not. (She said that when we had a small fight, nothing dramatic.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I determine if she was ready and/or open to a relationship through talking to her using IPS, &lt;strong&gt;but not&lt;/strong&gt; asking directly as I believe that she would deflect the question. &lt;strong&gt;And&lt;/strong&gt; has someone been in a situation like this and how did you resolve it? I don't believe that I am just a &amp;quot;friend-with-benefits&amp;quot; because we spent countless nights just cuddling and watching films and most importantly talking. (I believe that leans more towards a relationship than &amp;quot;friends-with-benefits&amp;quot;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T13:52:18.237" Title="How do I determine if a girl I am seeing is open to a relationship?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7089" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7091" CreationDate="2017-11-22T09:36:02.537" Score="68" ViewCount="33005" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is about a friend's family and what would often happen during dinners&#xA;(mom in her 50's, dad in his 60's).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Examples&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One time, the mom had cooked 1 packet of ravioli for 5 people, and she urged me to get the right amount (we all had to count how many pieces we got).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some other time, she had made some kind of soup and asked me to leave some for later in the original container after serving myself (last). There were exactly two tablespoons left but she insisted on having leftovers! &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Comment while serving myself or right as I was about to put a bite of food in my mouth&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't have to finish it all/eat it all up if you don't want to &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(and other variations)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Holidays&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The family was even &quot;tighter&quot; about offering seconds of dessert (usually pies) or sending with me and my friend some for later though they would send leftover turkey.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;At restaurants, while deciding what to order (&lt;em&gt;they were paying&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We can share a meal...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you like to split [name of dish] with me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To clarify&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not overweight (I was actually quite thin back then), so I don't think they were trying to hint I needed to lose weight. Except for my friend who was overweight at the time, the rest of the family was normal weight. The mom did worry a little about gaining weight but she didn't need to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Money wasn't an issue (upper-middle class family). There was plenty of food in the fridges and freezers just they were reluctant to use it or use it all up (?). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During my stay, I never felt comfortable enough to use their kitchen to make food other than sandwiches but I would always help with the dishes and cleaning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I told my friend about this, the response was,  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's how my parents are&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My mom is just weird&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Long story short, the majority of times I would be invited for dinner (and during my stay), I'd be feeling hungry, unsatisfied and I'd end up ordering takeout a bit later.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It felt really awkward to say that I was not full, I needed to eat more etc.,  so instead I mentally prepared myself that I was just not going to enjoy eating during dinner. So when my patience was exhausted, I decided to eat at home prior to visiting so I didn't feel as hungry while waiting to eat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More often than not, having dinner with my friend's parents felt like a chore and was draining when it should have been fun. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm actually used to having the opposite problem (politely rejecting more food) with certain relatives at dinners or holidays (Mediterranean background).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I have politely told the mom that I'd like to have been able to eat as much as I wanted to OR that I was still hungry because I didn't have enough food OR that I couldn't enjoy food if I had to worry so much about portions, without coming off as unappreciative?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T09:37:56.290" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T04:00:37.617" Title="How can I politely tell a family who invited me for dinner that I'm still hungry?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;eating&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7052" CreationDate="2017-11-22T09:43:10.260" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;So 2 suggestions that work well for me when I'm visiting family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) If you can afford it, you can reduce the stress around meals by offering to take everyone to a local restaurant for at least one key meal during your stay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the advantage that it &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Directly saves your Mum work and stress as she has one less meal to think about&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Removes your Mum from the home environment for a few hours so she can forget about any other little jobs or tasks she might have at home.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) If you're staying over, and if after you leave your family would have changed the sheets, then strip the bed and leave everything in a neat pile before you go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your Mum buying you little gifts is a way of her showing you that she loves you. She may enjoy it, so if it's not a problem for her, then just be thankful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9240" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T09:43:10.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7091" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2017-11-22T09:46:04.053" Score="44" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I have politely told the mom that I'd like to have been able to eat as much as I wanted to OR that I was still hungry because I didn't have enough food OR that I couldn't enjoy food if I had to worry so much about portions, without coming off as unappreciative?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There isn't really a good way of doing this. The fundamental problem here is that all of their family equally eat the same portions as they are offering you. This evidently comes down to a principle issue that they have.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I mean by principle issue is that we cannot assume just because they have money now that they have always had money. What if the mother grew up in a household where food was scarce and is used to portioning it so that it lasts longer? That sort of experience doesn't really fade with time. Some people stick to it for years and years after their initial circumstances change for the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to change the situation, perhaps try to find out the actual reason that the mother serves portions of that size. You could politely and inquisitively ask in conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I've always been curious &lt;strong&gt;[Insert mothers name]&lt;/strong&gt;, how do you figure out what the right portion sizes are, is it something you've always done?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may help you discover if there's a hidden reason. This will then allow you to tackle the situation from the proper angle. Otherwise anything you could say will likely come across as unappreciative. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Irrespective of portion size, they have invited you into their home and offered food. It's a gesture, one that you do not need to agree to. So dig a little deeper first, then go from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8451" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-26T14:14:25.877" LastActivityDate="2017-11-26T14:14:25.877" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7093" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7087" CreationDate="2017-11-22T10:19:14.383" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said you just &lt;strong&gt;met 1.5 month ago&lt;/strong&gt;. It may feel a little bit in a hurry to ask if you are in a relationship together. Enjoy the talking, watching movies and sleeping together for now, and see how it evolves in the upcoming months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in this situation nine years ago, when I asked a girl I was dating &quot;are we in a relationship?&quot; in the same context as your:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;met 2 months ago&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;slept together couple of times&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;talked a lot &lt;em&gt;via&lt;/em&gt; e-mail and texting because of geographical distance between us&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;bonus: I was about to move to South Africa for a 3 months internship, so we both knew we could not see each other during that time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She literally laughs at me, and answered something like &quot;I don't know, and I don't want to think about this right now&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing after the other, she is now my wife and we have two beautiful daughters. But she can't resist to remind me this talk once in a while, with a big smile on her face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8994" LastEditorUserId="8994" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T08:04:34.460" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T08:04:34.460" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2017-11-22T10:21:33.920" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mom has a habit to cook for two meal times: breakfast and lunch, lunch and dinner, or even dinner and tomorrow's breakfast. Because of this, usually we only eat exactly half (or maybe even less) of what she has cooked for each meal. &lt;em&gt;We were raised to not waste food, at all.&lt;/em&gt; I've gone as extreme as eating every bit of rice on my plate, literally. (My relatives still leave bits of food, and consider my habit extreme)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend's mom was raised like this (to not waste anything), then you should indicate that you are willing and able to eat more. Since you regularly visit them, start asking for more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really love your cooking. Can I have seconds?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first, you'll most likely get only a sorry, but this will make her prepare more food when they invite you for dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to add that this might be a cultural thing. As a Chinese descent, my great-family is taught to not waste food. I think this is true for most Asian culture. You might want to research a bit on their culture, especially what is their attitude to food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-11-25T04:49:27.157" LastActivityDate="2017-11-25T04:49:27.157" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7095" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7074" CreationDate="2017-11-22T10:25:14.293" Score="10" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Security is non-negotiable.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's really as simple as that. The point of security rules is that the rules must be followed by everyone. People don't get to circumvent a rule because it's easier, or whatever justification they can come up with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this is all &lt;strong&gt;within reason&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't enforce security rules e.g. if the building is on fire and everyone is escaping. For similar reason, EMTs will be allowed through without needing a key fob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;You are not in charge of others' adherence to security rules.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this part is essential. When the company drafts the rules, &lt;strong&gt;the company&lt;/strong&gt; is the beneficiary here. They can expect you to follow the rules, but they cannot expect you to ensure that others follow the rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this is where the system falls apart. It shouldn't be your job to ensure that random passersby follow the rules to a tee. Unless you're literally hired as a security officer; which I surmise you are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only would such an expectation unfairly offload (unpaid) work onto you, but there's also an issue with presumptuous behavior. Have you been kept in the loop about everyone's access privileges, including guests, maintenance staff etc? No? Then you can't be held responsible for failing to bar someone access from somewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Anecdotally&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;The current company I work at has enforced such a presumptuous nature in its employees. It's customary here for new hires to get introduced to literally every employee (&gt;100!), and everyone expects that they know everyone else. I'm a consultant, and even though I work here, I wasn't given a tour (not that I would want one, to be honest).&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;However, that expectation of knowing everyone is a constant hassle for me. I've had people refuse me access to the elevator based on their assumption that I don't work here, because they would have been introduced to me. They've put a wheel clamp on my car. I've been removed from a floor (one above where I usually work) because I wanted to get a cup of coffee and they had never seen me before (note that their kitchen is used by 4 floors, so it's not unusual to see people not from their team).&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enforcing security should be left to security personnel. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;You're caught between a rock and a hard place. Now what?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an issue for you, because you're stuck between two IPS problems: antagonizing your employer (you come across as defiant of authority), or antagonizing your colleagues (you come across as a pedantic nitpicker). If you start enforcing the rules strictly, it impacts on &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; social standing with your colleagues (the company suffers less from it) and you're doing work that you're not hired to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've always tried to find a middle ground here; because either extreme is going to end up costing on a social/professional level. And in the long term, social problems can become professional ones (especially since I'm a consultant who needs to get contract renewals).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't intentionally hold the door open for people I don't know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If someone is able to go through the door after me, without me intentionally holding it open for them, that is &lt;strong&gt;their&lt;/strong&gt; breach of security protocol, not mine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I come up behind someone else and the door is still open, I will probably use the open door, but will definitely still use my badge to register that I've used the door.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is the best way to both avoid any wrongdoing in the company's eyes, and also not actively antagonizing my colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the company wants the security policy to be enforced without fail; then they should post a security officer to ensure that everyone uses their fob. &lt;strong&gt;Not my circus, not my monkeys.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The expectation that the work can be offloaded onto the staff based on a &quot;everyone does their part&quot; argument is presumptuous and flawed. Are they dedicating some of your contracted work time to enforcement of security protocol? I would guess not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, they can require you to follow the rules; but they cannot require you to make others follow the rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;But what to say?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer is devoid of a particular phrasing. While you often find suggested phrasing in IPS answers, the issue here is that you are being judged on your &lt;strong&gt;actions&lt;/strong&gt; more than your &lt;strong&gt;words&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are of course good and bad ways to speak to someone, but that's a general rule that applies to every situation. There's nothing specific about this situation, I would merely be copy/pasting the gist of every other IPS answer with no particular applicability to this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue here is that it's your behavior (not your statements) that avoids (or causes) the conflict. As such, my answer tried to suggest how to behave in regards to the security protocol while avoiding interpersonal conflict (both with your colleagues and your employer).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There's one case where phrasing does help:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone uses the door after you, without using their fob, and you wish to inform them that it's against security protocol. Not so much to be a stickler, but rather to inform someone &lt;em&gt;who may honestly not be aware of the rules&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking at your question, you're basically trying to find a way to kindly &lt;strong&gt;tell&lt;/strong&gt; them that they &lt;strong&gt;should&lt;/strong&gt; use their fob. Asking it in the form of a question is the politest way to approach this, I agree with you there. However, I consider the &lt;strong&gt;nature&lt;/strong&gt; of the request (telling them what to do) to be offensive, regardless of how kindly it is phrased.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Referring back to your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the best way I can ask someone to follow this security requirement without sounding like a stickler?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's unavoidable to come across as a stickler, because you are approaching this person and telling them what to do, for no reason other than your desire for having the rules be followed by everyone. &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/stickler&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;That's pretty much the definition of a stickler&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're a security officer, then it's not offensive (when phrased kindly) because it's your job. Not asking them would endanger your employment, and thus it's forgivable/understandable for you to approach them. I can't fault a salesman for trying to sell me his product.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;But when you're just a random passerby, the lack of apparent justification for you to tell them what to do will likely rub some people the wrong way, regardless of phrasing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would opt for sticking to the facts, and not telling others what to do (implicitly or not). That person has to decide for himself if he's going to follow security protocol or not, you can merely inform them of the correct approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if you saw the recent memo. In case you didn't, security protocol has been tightened, the company asks that all employees use their fob when using these doors. You might get in trouble for not using yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You avoid any presumption that they're doing something they're not allowed to. There are valid reasons to not use a fob, e.g. when I had issues with my badge, and it took a day to fix, I was told to ask a colleague to escort me or give me their badge. I wouldn't want to continually get told to use my badge (or get held up because they see me using someone else's badge) by a random passerby (unaware of my situation) every time I took a smoke break.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You stuck to undeniable facts: There is a security policy about using your fob. He did not use his fob (regardless of &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; he didn't). You've not made any assumption, that person cannot (honestly) refute anything you just said, because everything your said is the objective truth.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;By mentioning the memo (even if it's not all that recent anymore), the conversation ends up on a more lighthearted informative tone, as opposed to reprimanding for not following security protocol (because of ignorance or indifference). Essentially, you give the other person a non-awkward way out of the conversation; while you still achieved your goal (reminding them).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your statement is informative, not imperative. You don't tell them what to do. You merely mention the potential consequence of not doing so. It's their decision.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T11:04:44.973" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T11:04:44.973" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2017-11-22T12:09:51.480" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;1 pack of ravioli for 5 people? Sharing meals at restaurants? No seconds of dessert? Sounds a lot like my family growing up. Thing is we never thought of ourselves as tight and never went hungry. To me it sounds like the problem here is that you are used to much larger portions than they are and what they consider normal is much less than what you do. If this is the case it is likely that they don't realise you are going hungry because they aren't. I know that I was amazed the first time I was invited out to a 3 course meal with another family, I barely finished the starter and I'm certainly not thin!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you should try inviting them out to eat with you, that way they will get a better idea of your normal diet. Alternatively (or if this fails), why not have a smaller meal before eating with them? It isn't uncommon for people to eat 5 smaller meals rather than 2/3 large ones, or graze on light food all day and not really bother with meals at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's impolite to ask them to spend more money than they want to on feeding you, even if they have it to spare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5599" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T12:09:51.480" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7087" CreationDate="2017-11-22T12:47:11.250" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also had a lot of trouble when thinking about the &quot;Are we on a relationship&quot; and the infamous &quot;I love you&quot;. I have a lot of problems related to understand what others are doing and the meaning of their actions, so what I did was to be very open and ask directly when I saw a good opportunity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked my current partner 3 months after knowing her and 1 month after we started dating if she wanted a serious relationship with me. I said exactly like that because at the time I was heavily over thinking about the current state of our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This worked for me, &lt;strong&gt;BUT&lt;/strong&gt; I also think that is very risky, since she said &quot;I was quite surprised, but I like it&quot;. From what I asked and noticed from other couples, people tend to be more careful to say &quot;I love you&quot; and about &quot;what about a relationship&quot; to their partners, which I never understood before someone telling me that &quot;It doesn't depends only on you. If you are ready to do something, before doing it, make sure that your partner is also ready, otherwise the outcome might not be what you expected and be ready for it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end it depends on how you feel it is going, yours and the girl's current state to ask or not about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You can take a look on &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4233/demonstrating-my-intentions-date-relationship-while-dealing-with-cultural-diff&quot;&gt;my other question&lt;/a&gt; to see if you relate to how I handled it as well)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6052" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T13:14:59.793" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T13:14:59.793" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2017-11-22T13:22:12.210" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when I'm given a really good home cooked meal, I'll end it with saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, that was a great meal, thank you.  I could eat that all over again!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sends the compliment to your hosts and also gives them the opportunity to ask if you wanted any more (without you having to ask directly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm hungry, I'd gladly take a little more if offered.  If none is offered, I'd be happy that I've complimented my hosts regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T15:30:46.690" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T15:30:46.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7100" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7150" CreationDate="2017-11-22T13:54:48.403" Score="27" ViewCount="10768" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like I can't correctly ascertain what my significant other would rather do. We have had a rocky relationship as she is rather introverted, while I'm more needy, and while we talked and determined to pursue a more healthy relationship with both of us trying our best to help the other party, I have recently come to this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When talking about meeting with my significant other, sometimes she will not be open about her feelings on meeting up or not, and when later confronted she will cite a fear of making me feel bad as a reason to not doing so; so she accepts reluctantly when it would not be the most convenient to her to do so, but later won't stop talking about how inconvenient it is for her, both previous to the appointment, and during it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It makes me feel guilty, as I do not wish to inconvenience her, but when I offer to postpone the appointment or give up on it, she will reject and tell me to carry on with it, but won't modify her behaviour. I get very confused since I am getting mixed signals and I don't know how I should act.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried to make it clear that, while I feel it's a pity we can't meet, it doesn't make me feel bad, and I understand and respect her boundaries, but judging by her attitude, I find it clear she won't believe me on this and I don't understand why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it helps provide context, I have Asperger's syndrome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will consistently tell me that I always get sad when she tells me she doesn't want to meet up, and while it's true I did in the past, I've been changing that issue, but after telling her I don't do that anymore, she cites times when I express discontent over not being able to meet up (&amp;quot;Oh, well, that's a shame :'(&amp;quot;) as a reason to tell me how I'm feeling, and when I tell her I was merely expressing shame over not being able to meet up, I'm in no way feeling bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For further clarification, this was a conversation we actually had last week:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ME: This week I'll only be able to meet on Tuesday, because of so, so and so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HER: Oh, I actually had an appointment that day...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ME: Oh, well, that's a shame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HER: Would you like me to cancel it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ME: No, that's okay, I don't want to bother you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ME (5 minutes later): On a second thought though, if it won't bother you, I'd actually like to meet you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Afterwards...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HER: So.. you'd like me to cancel it for sure?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ME: Well, I'd like to meet you, yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Afterwards, pretty shortly before meeting she proceeded to tell me I had forced her to cancel her appointment and how she hadn't liked that at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I find out what she really wants when she is telling me to meet up, but keeps sending mixed signals? More specifically, how can I confront her and make it clear that this issue is damaging me, but without making her feel bad about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9256" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T05:25:35.957" Title="How can I talk to my Partner about what she would rather do?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2017-11-22T13:57:53.227" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are times that it may be impossible to do something politely, and this might be one of them.  If by chance you were truly malnourished and actually &lt;em&gt;required&lt;/em&gt; more food for health, then by all means I'd delve into how to address it.  That is highly unlikely and as such, seems more like a quirk you need to adjust to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is really no time where we &lt;em&gt;have to&lt;/em&gt; have dinner at someone's home unless we have no money at all and are staying with them.  Otherwise your fixes seem appropriate, like eating before you arrived or eating more after you leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People can be quirky and they can have odd reasons that are deeply ingrained for how they operate.  My mother grew up very differently than I did.  She was poor in a way you really rarely see today in the USA, dirt floor poor, outdoor plumbing, that sort of thing.  As such, she can have a tendency to not see where whatever she is offering is &lt;em&gt;less than&lt;/em&gt; what others see as standard.  To her, her whole life now is a luxury.  If you invited her to dinner and offered her one chicken wing, she would eat it, proclaim how amazing it was and how stuffed she is.  She is just pleased to receive any kindness, and someone offering to feed you &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a kindness, not a requirement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also then fears ending up ever in that situation again, so she is frugal to a true fault, scrimping and saving.  So she &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; offer someone a small meal without any idea that it might be seen as awkward or rude.  I haven't seen her do it to guests, but she did it to us as kids.  There were times where she would worry about money (my dad got laid off sometimes) so she would go into a mode where she would start cutting back on everything, food, showers, electricity, you name it. I never went hungry, it wasn't like &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;.  I did however get a clear message that I should only eat until I was no longer hungry, not stuffed, even if it was delicious and I would have enjoyed more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice would be say nothing.  You likely won't change someone who is old enough to be making you dinner.  What she does likely was started by something in her life long before you met her and there is no easy way to say &quot;Hey you are being stingy with the food lady&quot;.  There really isn't.  MANY things surrounding shared meals is fraught with cultural norms, pressure and a little stress.  My own Dh is a very picky eater and any invitation for dinner stresses him out terribly as he doesn't want to hear about how picky he is, he doesn't want to be trouble for the host and he doesn't want to have the host feel insulted if he doesn't like the food.  It's stressful.  No way around it really other than treading as carefully as you can and avoiding it when possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T13:57:53.227" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7100" CreationDate="2017-11-22T14:01:12.150" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Underline the importance of clear communications. State very clearly that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I can't read minds.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always be open about your own feelings, and encourage her to do the same. If she responds by saying that she simply doesn't want to hurt your feelings, explain that being silent about our real opinions of people is something we do in regards to strangers we don't wish to engage with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Withing a relationship you have to open and honest with one another, even if it sometimes leads to hurt feelings. It's the only way to start a conversation about whatever may be bugging one of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife would have much the same attitude. She would give me a thousand subtle &quot;hints&quot; about her opinions on the matter, yet never come out and explicitly state what might be bugging her. I used to fret over it quite a bit, until I realized that I wasn't the one being difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead I did exactly as I advise above: I would tell her what's bugging me, and every time I felt like she was trying to give me a &quot;hint&quot; I'd tell her that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I don't do hints&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important not to feel guilty for not anticipating her needs, emotional or otherwise. You're not a magician. Being only human means that the other person must communicate their feelings and desires if they wish you to understand them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T14:08:13.783" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T14:08:13.783" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7100" CreationDate="2017-11-22T14:25:35.107" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, It's not fair for her to drop hints, hem and haw, or otherwise disguise her intent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it known that she needs to clearly communicate any objections to you regardless of how she thinks &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; might feel.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, make your statements to her clear as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to get together with you tonight for dinner at 6 at McSnarkKnight's tavern.  Is this good for you, or do you have other plans or obligations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not that formal, obviously, but something to that effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is to give her an out and an opportunity to express her difficulties then.  If she still brings up how it is an inconvenience later, be firm with her and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I asked you if this would be a problem, please be honest with me next time and let me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;again, you can probably phrase it more delicately than I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communication is key in any relationship, and it has to go both ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she keeps up this behavior, then turn it around and simply say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to get together some time this week, what day and time would you suggest.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, she is setting it up and needs to do her own planning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T14:25:35.107" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2017-11-22T14:54:31.497" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it would be difficult to go into their home and convince them to give you more food than they would eat themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could invite them over to your home to eat a few times, and allow them to eat as much as they would like. Make a point to give them hearty portions, perhaps more than even you would eat and allow them to take home the left overs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm actually used to having the opposite problem (politely rejecting&#xA;  more food) with certain relatives at dinners or holidays&#xA;  (Mediterranean background).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe even have a big dinner like that, if they experience a meal like that it may give them a different perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8882" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T14:54:31.497" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7030" CreationDate="2017-11-22T15:36:27.923" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why not verify with the buyer and the bank concurrently with your cousin?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can get together in person, (1) you can call the buyer on speakerphone (or go to the company with your cousin) and allow a three-way dialog to resolve what they have to say. Do not make any accusations; just contrive an excuse to work together with your cousin while doing this. If you still are not paid, (2) then continue on with communicating with your cousin's bank to verify he received the funds -- still working together under the auspice that you are trying to help resolve the transaction to completion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is lying or mistaken, then completion of the previous two steps (or some equivalent of them) should provide a path to resolution that may not require your cousin's admission of fault. Otherwise, the problem is with the buyer or the bank and needs to be solved with them before you get paid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1701" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T15:36:27.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7108" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7100" CreationDate="2017-11-22T15:49:34.627" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You sound like you are both busy people. If you both want to see each other then there will absolutely have to be some give and take on both sides. It is an obvious answer, but the only way to ascertain what is in someone else's mind is to talk it out. As has been pointed out already, nobody is a mind-reader.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your schedules or the events that prevent you from seeing each other are fixed, then you need to agree how you can work around these on an ongoing basis (eg she frees up a night every other week, and so do you). If your schedules vary then could you not agree on a 'date night' and you both keep this free in future? These are the things you need to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T15:49:34.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2017-11-22T15:52:57.450" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Offer to bring something&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offer to bring part of the meal. Maybe not the “main course” but just a salad, soup or dessert. This way you can make sure that there is enough food and if they can’t afford food you are helping them as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2869" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T15:52:57.450" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7100" CreationDate="2017-11-22T16:21:42.437" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let´s just look at this very helpful transcript:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ME: This week I'll only be able to meet on Tuesday, because of so, so&#xA;  and so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;HER: Oh, I actually had an appointment that day...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ME: Oh, well, that's a shame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying: you feel sorry that you can´t meet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That´s okay, if you like each other, you are entitled to want to see each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;HER: Would you like me to cancel it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is asking: How much do you want to see me. Would you just like to see me, or do you really need me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ME: No, that's okay, I don't want to bother you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is where you went wrong. I don´t want to bother you implies she is the Problem. She is not, formulate it neutral. Next time try: &lt;em&gt;No, it´s okay, we´ll meet next week.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just accept that life is not always working in your favor. If she does not have time, respect that and and don´t blame her. Don´t agree to meet her then, unless you feel you really need her. When you do just tell her outright: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Honey, I know you have an appointment tonight, but I really need you by my side right now. I would appreciate if you could somehow meet me nonetheless!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way she will be able to tell when she should go to inconveniences for meeting you or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T16:21:42.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7037" CreationDate="2017-11-22T16:23:25.527" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Quite a few answers have already addressed whether or not you should feel the way that you do. That isn't specifically what you asked, but I agree that it is significant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps because of the rise of social media we now have more 'friends' than ever before, but they aren't all at the same level so many people do put boundaries in place, both online and in real life. You have your lifelong friends, your acquaintances, work mates, college mates etc... Perhaps this girl sees you as a college mate and not (yet?) a real life friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility is that she does actually view you as a friend but likes to keep groups of friends separate. Many people do. When all your friends are in one group it can lead to disappointment if you don't get invited to something. It is nice to have another group to turn to. If her usual friends have known each other longer or are very active socially then it could just be they have kept her busy, not that she prefers them over you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question directly ('How can I tell my friend I don't like the state of our friendship?') - perhaps you don't need to? If she doesn't contact you of her own volition then there isn't really any friendship to address. I personally feel that asking for help from a college mate is a fairly reasonable thing to do - perhaps you just need to view her the way she views you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand you really want this to be a friendship and need to address it, I suggest you say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I notice that we haven't hung out in a while. Why do you think that is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See what she says. Whatever her answer, you could follow this up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I noticed that I was the only one ever asking to hang out,&#xA;  and I started to wonder if you actually wanted to, seeing as you never&#xA;  suggest it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, see what she says.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stated that you aren't happy with the current state of the friendship. See what her evaluation of your relationship is first. If her replies make it clear that she doesn't want anything more than a chat at lunch and the occasional bit of help with work then you make your choice. Personally, I would be happy with a friendship like that, in addition to my real friends. I have a good friend at work who I don't see outside of work, except perhaps occasionally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't view him as an inferior friend, rather I'm glad that I have someone to talk with when I'm at work. When I get out of work I have a few groups of friends that I can call on / hang out with. I don't feel the need to put them all in one group. I would think about that before you cut off what could be a perfectly good and useful relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T09:45:50.950" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T09:45:50.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7100" CreationDate="2017-11-22T16:39:12.870" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;It kind of reads like you both are avoiding being straight here.  She tells you she has an appointment but then asks if you want her to cancel.  If she wants to get together, she can instead point out that she currently has something at that time, but then say she will check to see if that can be moved.  You tell her you are disappointed initially but then change your mind and ask her to move it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you both need to be able to sit down and talk about your communication problems.  She needs to be clear about what she does and doesn't want and you too need to be upfront.  You both need to scrap the past if you are trying to operate in a healthier way NOW and forget about what you used to do.  That will never serve you well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you can tell her something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I ask if I can see you, I mean that.  I want to see you.  I also&#xA;  recognize that I will not be able to see you every time I would like&#xA;  to since we both have busy lives that we also have to manage.  If you&#xA;  cannot get together or would prefer not to because it will be an&#xA;  inconvenience, just please tell me that.  If I express that I am&#xA;  bummed, please just take it for what it is.  It's not meant to be&#xA;  guilt, but an expression of how I feel because I care about you and&#xA;  enjoy time together.  I understand that it can't always happen &lt;em&gt;and&#xA;  that's okay&lt;/em&gt; with me.  It's just life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if she offers to shift her schedule, instead of saying no, perhaps ask her how much trouble that will be for her &lt;em&gt;and then decide&lt;/em&gt; if you feel comfortable asking her to shift it.  Or ask HER if she would like to see if she can shift it or it's set in stone.  The conversation you shared seems to read almost like you have been made to feel needy and are apologizing for being a hassle in her life.  If that is how you have been told you are seen, it can be hard to relax and comfortable ask for what you need out of the relationship.  Wanting personal contact with the person you are seeing isn't needy inherently.  Are you sure you &lt;em&gt;have been&lt;/em&gt; needy in the past versus her being a distant type person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1652" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T16:39:12.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2150" CreationDate="2017-11-22T16:44:05.437" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have had tremendous success (that I wound up deeply regretting) literally saying, &quot;I don't want a white-people 5, I want a Thai 5.&quot;   Or a Korean 5, or whatever the ethnicity of the restaurant is, followed by '5.'  I emphasize both what I don't want, and what I do want, and tend to add a goofy grin to soften the coarseness of my word choice.  It's still a bit coarse and there's a hint of racism, or something akin, in my word choice but no one has ever seemed to take offense - if anything it tends to garner both a laugh and the results I was hoping for.  Everyone understands the phenomenon I'm asking to be removed from, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastEditorUserId="8693" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T18:36:20.573" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T18:36:20.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7116" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-22T17:00:21.837" Score="24" ViewCount="7507" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tis the season for social obligation... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately for some this leads to some awkward and uncomfortable situations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you navigate family holiday parties when many family members are uncomfortable with queer people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I've been finding it more and more uncomfortable to go to my extended family's large holiday gatherings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It wasn't so bad when I was still married and I could just &lt;em&gt;play it straight&lt;/em&gt;, and pretend to be what they expected me to be. But nowadays many, if not most, know that I'm not straight, which makes things more complicated. Some would be convinced that I'm going to burn in hell. Some don't want their kids to hear that sort of thing. Some are accepting, but awkward. Some are really cool about it. It's a big family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm definitely not planning any sort of large scale coming out, or starting a fight about it, but it's awkward to tiptoe around even basic &quot;what have you been up to?&quot; or &quot;have you been seeing anyone lately?&quot; sorts of questions without lying or withholding. Like I've been dating someone who I can't bring to the family gatherings, who has her own holiday family train wrecks to attend... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It ends up feeling a bit like being caught between a rock and a hard place. Be honest and risk a family meltdown, or lie and not have a real relationship with the family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know many of my friends avoid the issue entirely by spending the holidays with their chosen family, often because they don't have a choice, but I don't want it to have to be that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that simple avoidance of uncomfortable questions and sidestepping questions about my relationships and personal life is an option, but I'd rather not. Many of them want to have a genuine relationship with me and I want to have a genuine relationship with them, we're family after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how do you navigate family holiday gatherings as a queer person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T15:44:55.473" LastActivityDate="2018-04-22T06:32:02.510" Title="How to respond to questions at family holiday gatherings without making the asker uncomfortable about my sexuality?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;holidays&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7100" CreationDate="2017-11-22T17:09:38.440" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like she is more sensitive to what people might think of her, whereas you are used to a straightforward communication style and expect the same back. I'm approaching this from a point of sympathy with your SO's fears, since I have struggled with this in relationships before (and I think the opposite side has been covered decently in other answers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Before you meet&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you asked, you expected her to say &quot;Sorry, I'd rather not cancel my appointment&quot;, if she did feel that way, and you would have been totally fine with either outcome. That is great for you! &lt;em&gt;But&lt;/em&gt;, keep in mind that a lot of people have trouble saying no, especially to loved ones and dating partners. We even have a big question about such a situation on this site: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4275/how-to-tell-girlfriend-i-dont-want-to-meet-without-hurting-her-feelings&quot;&gt;How to tell girlfriend I don&amp;#39;t want to meet without hurting her feelings?&lt;/a&gt;, so you can see how much of a hot-button issue it can be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately, you are an understanding guy who won't react poorly if she declines, right? :) You'll need to &lt;em&gt;show&lt;/em&gt; her this - telling is great, but it will take some time and positive experiences for her to really trust it. Be patient! She may have had bad experiences in the past with people who were not as forthcoming as you. That sort of thing can really stick with a person and make them question if other people are also secretly harboring bad feelings. &lt;sub&gt;(This is something I had trouble with, after a relationship with a very passive-aggressive person. Someone could tell me a thousand times they won't be mad if I say no, but I'd still get anxious and worked up over saying it the first couple dozen times.)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest help, when making plans, would be to &lt;strong&gt;make it very easy for her to say no&lt;/strong&gt;. Try to give her an &quot;out&quot;. If she mentions she has an appointment, let her know it's fine if she would rather keep it. (I think your first response in the example was good at doing this!) Don't assume that she will bring up objections unprompted; as you've seen, she seems to be uncomfortable doing so herself. When she declines a proposal, accept it and let her know that you still care for her. &quot;No problem, I'll just be extra excited to see you next week!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I think going from &quot;no problem&quot; to &quot;actually, I'd like to meet&quot; in the example didn't help. If I were her, I might think:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's still thinking about it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It must be bothering him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This must be important to him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is my appointment &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; that important?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I guess I should offer to cancel...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be mindful of how you say things. For example, you could ask her to let you know if the appointment is called off (signaling that you'd be happy to see her, but without asking anything of her), rather than asking her directly and putting her in a position where she would either have to cancel or say &quot;no&quot; (either disappointing her or you - at least, in her mind).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After you (decide to) meet&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Afterwards, pretty shortly before meeting she proceeded to tell me I had forced her to cancel her appointment and how she hadn't liked that at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communication differences strike again!! These things can pile up quickly, so you need to &lt;strong&gt;talk about it&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start with an apology for making her feel that way. This can calm her annoyance and shows that you aren't trying to start a fight.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remind her, gently, that you expect people to say what they feel and aren't great at picking up on hints.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her to help you understand what you did or said that made her feel that way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask what would you could say instead next time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, like I said in answer to another recent question here, it's fair to assume that she's being honest when she tells you things. If she says &quot;sure, that's fine&quot; when you make plans, and then gets upset at you later because it's &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; fine, it's not your fault for not believing her the first time. Relationships require mutual trust in order to work! You may need to (again, gently) remind her of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T17:09:38.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5773" CreationDate="2017-11-22T17:19:41.457" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've found that friends with eating disorders are most likely to open up to me about their eating disorders, or about concerns that they have that they might have one, if we are talking about those eating disorders in a context other than themselves.  &quot;I ran across a video on eating disorders yesterday, and man, it's made me think about my life.  I can't imagine what it'd be like to ____!&quot; or &quot;Wow, I was reading about [celebrity]'s struggles with their eating disorder!  That sounds like such a difficult problem to overcome!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that this is a risky tactic, though.  If you come off as wheedling, as trying to force them to talk about their problems or otherwise shine a spotlight on it rather than to provide a constructive environment for the discussion, then it can feel more like an intrusion than an invitation.  And what's more, it can come off as a little underhanded...as perhaps it is.  And it might be more prone to that kind of failure in this case if she took your previous suggestion that she should eat more to heart and is still hurting from that conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, this is a strategy that serves me well with many topics that are nonconstructively culturally taboo, or topics that tend to be wound up tightly with one's self-esteem or insecurities: provide a non-judgmental environment in which discussing the topic feels natural, but do not press.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T17:19:41.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7100" CreationDate="2017-11-22T17:20:37.363" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to take a slightly different approach here. It sounds to me like you are being a bit selfish without knowing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: This week I'll only be able to meet on Tuesday, because of so, so and so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me this is already striking me as a bit inflexible especially given you are the one who wants the meet up. I've been in that situation a few times when someone keeps asking to meet up with me but is then always busy. It makes me feel not particularly valued especially if I've changed things up in my own schedule for them in the past. She might feel pretty imposed upon, too, given that she offered to cancel a meeting, and you didn't reciprocate the gesture. Also conversely I've been in your situation super busy with a girlfriend I wanted to spend as much time as possible around. I had to get creative with timing, sometimes working till 10pm and taking part of a personal day, or traveling way over an hour out of my way to get a 20 minute coffee with her, to changing jobs to have more flexibility. Better would be asking her when is a good time and juggle the &quot;so, so and so&quot; to make time for her. If she's important to you, you'll find a way to make time for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5808" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T19:03:34.683" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T19:03:34.683" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7087" CreationDate="2017-11-22T17:20:38.580" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;hmmm, you say &quot;we spent countless nights just cuddling and watching films and most importantly talking.&quot; You want to talk about you two. Right now you are making it way too easy for her to treat you, or even consider you mostly as a FWB. You go over to her place most of the time. That's very convenient for her and she doesn't have to put much into the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Talking&quot; while cuddling and what else at her place is not the same as talking without the physical stuff and talking at a place that is not her couch. So you should broaden the stuff you do. What kind of relationship do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want to be in? Start acting as if the relationship was that way already. I don't mean force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. But if you want the relationship to be more than just cuddling (which to many girls is just as important if not more important then sex) on her couch then you need to take the initiative to expand the type of activities you do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go out to do public stuff and then &lt;em&gt;do not&lt;/em&gt; go to her place or your place or any place to make out or sleep together. You guys' physicality is way ahead of any kind of serious relationship. 1.5 months is nothing. You need to get off her couch and go do other things together. Right now you are making it really easy for her to have you mostly as a FWB. If you think she will just deflect a straight question, then that is a hint that she isn't interested in having more. But instead of trying to guess &quot;signs&quot; or &quot;hints&quot;, the main thing to do is expand the types of activities you do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself what kind of relationship with her do you want to be in, and &quot;make it&quot; that relationship. I mean, proceed as if it were that kind of relationship: if she consistently rejects invitations, then you'll know she's not ready or interested in something that is beyond mainly superficial and physically oriented. And again, physical can include much more than intercourse. So change the type of activities you do. Get out and do non-physical things. You need to see each other in a lot of different settings. Give her the opportunity to get to know you and show you her affection for you in other contexts that cuddling on her couch. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9269" LastEditorUserId="5639" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T21:05:55.157" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T21:05:55.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7116" CreationDate="2017-11-22T17:25:15.827" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, people typically ask for two reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're being nosey&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're ready to talk about it, or they at least want to try&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother flat out expressed to me that she &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; wanted to discuss my sexuality or partners when I first came out.  However, two years later, she is now able to acknowledge certain (small) parts of my dating life - but I only give her the details that she asks for at the time she is asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend starting off with small details. Allow people to ask you for the information they are ready for, without over-sharing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, if a relative says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you been seeing anyone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nothing serious, but I've been on a few dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You aren't listing names, genders, etc.  If they want to know more, they might ask for those details about your dates.  If they decide that that's as much as they're comfortable knowing, let the conversation stop there, and discuss something else instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this kind of delicate approach works best when you're able to gauge someones physical responses to your conversation, I would try to keep this kind of interaction limited to a minimal number of people receiving &quot;new&quot; information at a given time.  This way you're able to focus on perceiving their level of comfort via physical responses to the details you're sharing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I remember your &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6916/how-can-i-correct-my-familys-use-of-language-related-to-lgbt-issues-without-ma&quot;&gt;last question&lt;/a&gt; I feel somewhat comfortable saying that it seems like you definitely have members of your family willing to try.  Obviously, everyone reaches acceptance at different rates. I feel this approach will help you to not feel like you're hiding your life while also allowing your family to decide how much they're willing to learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T17:25:15.827" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7123" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7116" CreationDate="2017-11-22T17:30:07.413" Score="22" Body="&lt;h2&gt;I think you've answered your own question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It ends up feeling a bit like being caught between a rock and a hard place. Be honest and risk a family meltdown, or &lt;strong&gt;lie and not have a real relationship with the family&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of them want to have a genuine relationship with me and &lt;strong&gt;I want to have a genuine relationship with them&lt;/strong&gt;, we're family after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want a genuine relationship, by your own admission, lying would not be the correct approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In detail&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you navigate family holiday parties when many family members are uncomfortable with queer people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends what you mean with uncomfortable. If you mean it as a euphemism, i.e. they don't like it on principle, there's not much you can do, except omit that part of your life when in conversation with them. I would expect that you wouldn't end up having extended conversations with them, simply because it's hard to avoid talking about what amounts to a significant portion of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you mean uncomfortable as in not knowing how to respond (but being okay with it on principle), then you can take the lead to help avoid awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My uncle is gay, and has been for as long as I've known him. I have seen how he approaches the topic with strangers, and he is generally able to avoid any awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't get caught up on statements that reveal your sexual preference. Don't avoid it, don't use vague language. State it as if you hadn't even realized it could be awkward to bring up. Many people respond to your tone more than the content of your statement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If an awkward silence does occur, either move on to a different topic (again, not acknowledging the awkwardness), or break the silence with a joke. My uncle's go-to joke is &amp;quot;I know what you're thinking, two men in the same house. But it all works out, we take turns being overemotional once a month&amp;quot;. Maybe it's his delivery, but it seems to always break the tension.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My uncle generally brings his boyfriends to the family Christmas party, and it's often the boyfriend who feels more awkward than we do (some of them weren't used to a family openly accepting it). Some of them felt awkward enough that they introduced themselves as &amp;quot;a friend&amp;quot; of my uncle. Instead of pointing it out, we simply glossed over it and continued with casual conversation, regardless of their sexual preference. More often than not, they would eventually let go of their hesitance without even realizing. I know this is the opposite of your situation, but the principle is the same: &lt;em&gt;someone feels awkward about a particular topic, the other party steers the conversation in a less awkward direction, eventually the awkwardness dissipates.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of the time, when people mean well, they still feel awkward talking about it, because they're afraid of unintentionally oversimplifying or stereotyping it. I think the joke helps open the door to not worrying about being correct and allowing each other to say something funny (regardless of factual accuracy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only awkwardness I've seen occur was with people who disagreed on principle, and there's not much you can do to avoid awkwardness with them, to be honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's only awkward if you let it be awkward.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T17:30:07.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7030" CreationDate="2017-11-22T18:38:51.437" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't think too much, just say this to your cousin:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The company is saying they sent all the money to your account, they are lying, let's prove them wrong by showing your bank statements of the month they were supposed to send the money, so we can get our commission. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way your are not confronting him about lying, you are just trying to 'prove your cousin is innocent' and prove that the company is at fault, but at the same time know who is actually lying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9273" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T19:00:23.713" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T19:00:23.713" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7126" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7116" CreationDate="2017-11-22T19:09:22.580" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are many decisions we make during our lifetime that might not get the approval of our family members. That can be a job, a line of work, a city to live or pretty much anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disagreements always will occour. That's life. That's family. But one thing we can do is to try to understand those decisions and respect them even if they don't make any sense to us. That goes both ways. They don't get your decision and you don't understand why this is a problem to them. Despite that, you love each other and love is the properly response to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, you can take the understanding that you can't please everyone with the decisions you make and from that just build the relationships you want to build. Talk about the things you want to talk about. Answer the questions you're asked and act naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be cool with them remembering of mutual respect and the love that bond you all together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4225" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T19:09:22.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7116" CreationDate="2017-11-22T19:25:11.907" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if my answer falls under a &quot;large-scale coming out&quot; or not, but here's what I have:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd engage people on a one-on-one basis out of earshot of others - probably contacting them individually before the event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you expect someone to be queer-friendly and you're comfortable-ish with this with them, talk to them about who you are and what you do.  Come out.  If you want to avoid certain topics around certain people, mention that, and mention why.  &quot;Man, I hate it when Aunt Linda asks me when I'm gonna find someone to have (more?) babies with since that's obviously not going to happen - I just want to avoid any kind of topic like that altogether around her and maybe also Cousin Phil.  I wish they were more open-minded and I didn't have to skirt around things.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might also try to do that with people who might not be strictly queer-friendly but would also not cause a scene.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you expect someone not to be queer-friendly, or you're not willing to come out with them, instead discuss with them topics that you don't like talking about.  That is to say - discuss that you don't like talking about them.  &quot;You know, I really hate it when you ask me about my dating life.  It's just not something that I like talking about, can we avoid that?&quot;  Or, &quot;Aunt Linda always asks me about the people I'm seeing, and it really makes me uncomfortable, so can we try not to steer the conversation that direction so it doesn't come up?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile...it pains me to say this, but I really can't imagine that there is a solution to the &quot;what have you been up to?&quot; awkwardness that doesn't involve being evasive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately I feel like this answer won't satisfy you, but I think that's because you really can't both engage in a deep and meaningful way with people who want to know and share intimate life details, and avoid disclosing intimate life details...especially if you are also avoiding coming out to most of them.  Like you say, absolutely between a rock and a hard place.  Your fears are reasonable and valid, and by rights your family should be supportive of who you are, but many are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T19:25:11.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7128" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7129" CreationDate="2017-11-22T19:40:25.210" Score="-7" ViewCount="652" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that fur is terrible and not moral at all, she thinks it's alright. I don't wanna force my opinion down on her, just want to motivate her to do research and maybe think about my views. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We argued about this the last time we have seen each other. She wears fur because she likes the texture and the warmth. I think it's not moral as the killing of animals for fashion and factors that are achieved the same with materials that do not involve the killing of animals is possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She thinks that it is alright as she wears leather and eats meat, which I am okay with as her diet requires meat and leather is just a byproduct of meat. She also refuses to investigate and think about it as she is not a very &quot;political&quot; person and rather cares for herself and her environment instead of what is outside of her direct reach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9270" LastEditorUserId="9270" LastEditDate="2017-11-22T20:00:06.157" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T20:00:06.157" Title="How do I discuss the morality of fur with a friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="12" ClosedDate="2017-11-22T21:33:05.883" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7128" CreationDate="2017-11-22T19:44:52.693" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There may be more detail than is listed in your question, but I think you should be able to just talk to your friend about it. A gentle, non-confrontational opening may help a lot (something like, &quot;We obviously have different positions on this. Are you open to talking about it a bit, so that I can better understand where you're coming from?&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as a general point, your friend may be expecting you to try forcing your opinion on her based on stereotypes or past experiences. It's not totally unreasonable to think that someone who finds your behavior terrible and completely immoral will really be OK with you continuing that behavior, whether meaningful discussions have taken place or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T19:44:52.693" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7130" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-22T19:45:40.000" Score="29" ViewCount="6148" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a contractor (software development) that is currently in contract with a small business--about 6 employees. There is one project manager and one owner of the business. Both of those people seem to like the phrase, &quot;we have been over this&quot;, or, &quot;please refer to the original documentation&quot; when I ask a question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately these two people do not see that there could be other interpretations to their examples/documentation, or that after &quot;going over it&quot; I just saw a new interpretation while attempting to solve the issue, and I just want clarification because I am not in their head and do not understand their interpretation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are both people who cannot step into someone else's shoes. I already tried to talk to the PM about some of the ways she communicates in a certain situation, and in response received &quot;This shouldn't have been an issue in the first place&quot;, essentially placing the blame squarely on my shoulders again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those degrading phrases are starting to wear on me. Is there any way to broach this subject gracefully?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5493" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T05:25:58.680" Title="How to handle leadership saying, &quot;we have been over this&quot;" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7131" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7135" CreationDate="2017-11-22T19:49:35.503" Score="8" ViewCount="1239" Body="&lt;p&gt;My close friend is a very dominant (DISC) person. Last time, he bashed my ex-high school when we hang out with some friends. He had valid points, and I had admitted it, but nevertheless, I asked him to stop because I take pride in my high school's experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He refused to stop, saying that he's just saying the facts. Note that this argument began because one of my friends is still enrolled there. All of my friends respect this guy, so they didn't do anything. When he continued to &quot;state the facts&quot; again, I walked out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might happen again, as we regularly hang out with this circle of friends regularly. I would like to stop him from bad-mouthing my high-school, when I'm with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to convince my friends to drop this particular topic when I'm around?&lt;/strong&gt; He is a respected figure, so I fear that they will just dismiss my request when I ask them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.discprofile.com/what-is-disc/overview/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;DISC is a type of personality test&lt;/a&gt; and stands for Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Conscientiousness. A Dominant DISC personality is defined as: Sees the big picture - Can be blunt - Accepts challenges - Gets straight to the point&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-12T19:47:33.473" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T03:27:06.993" Title="How to convince a group of friends to drop a topic that's making the group uncomfortable?" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7130" CreationDate="2017-11-22T19:55:38.847" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've found the following phrase to work well for this attitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand that, but without clarification, I cannot proceed, so what do you suggest I do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That puts the ball right in their court.  You are essentially saying that if they don't help you, the project is stalled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretty standard IT runaround.  Just pushback a bit like that example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T19:55:38.847" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7130" CreationDate="2017-11-22T20:02:10.863" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone refuse an attempt to clarify ambiguity, proceed with one interpretation as if it's the only interpretation. &lt;strong&gt;Send an email&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that this means X. So I will proceed with doing X, until you tell me otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that this might means X or Y (or Z). I will proceed with doing X, until you tell me otherwise.&lt;sub&gt;from Anketam's comment&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this interpretation is wrong, they will need to correct you. If they do not correct you, then they should not (they can, unfortunately) reprimand you, because you've informed them how you will proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Doctor Strange's mentioned, the most important part is having a written conversation, just in case the management forgets that they had any discussion regarding the concerned topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T02:36:12.780" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7131" CreationDate="2017-11-22T20:17:59.577" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the short term, there is probably nothing you can do besides walking away. There are people who enjoy &quot;proving&quot; that something others enjoy and are proud of is, &quot;in fact&quot; not that great. Note the reply &quot;I'm just stating the facts&quot; as though that somehow means there is no reason to stop that line of talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the longer term, you and your other friends may learn how to avoid triggering such a speech, you may decide to see less of this friend, or this friend may learn from the walking away that a different conversational approach would be more fun. It's hard to predict for sure. It's really up to your friend to decide whether saying things that deliberately upset you is enough fun to keep on doing it even though friendship is not typically built on such behaviours. It's unlikely you'll be able to make that decision for him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a different friend I would encourage you to explain how it's upsetting you. However it's clear this friend knows it's upsetting you and doesn't see that as a reason not to talk that way. So get yourself out of the upset and don't put more energy into telling him how he's making you feel: it's either the whole point (ha ha you're so upset) or it's not relevant (I have these facts which must be stated.) Some people are like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T20:17:59.577" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7131" CreationDate="2017-11-22T20:20:24.260" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to state clearly that you don't want to have your school discussed in negative terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry Dave, I enjoyed my time at (school) and I really don't care to hear it bashed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he continues...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry Dave, but I've told you that I don't want to discuss this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if he STILL continues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry Dave, but I'm not going to stay here and listen to you continue when I've asked you twice already to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's assertive without being aggressive and makes the point without making you look petty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T20:20:24.260" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7037" CreationDate="2017-11-22T20:39:50.070" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a couple of suggestions of extra things to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible she avoids social events because she doesn't like one of your other friends, for some reason.  That would be a difficult thing to bring up and would encourage her to want a bit of distance (from friend to school mate).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a do-er.  I really don't like 'hanging out' - I would much rather spend time with people working on a project (or working on separate projects together).  At the same time, I have friends who aren't like that - so we end up seeing movies or whatever.  That's what they want to do so it's what we do - although it feels like a bit of a compromise to me.  It's possible that asking for help is seen by her as a reason to hang out for a bit.  If this is case, you asking for help in return (as was suggested by Jesse), would be seen as an act of friendship greater than mere movies or 'hanging out'.  Mimicry builds rapport - it subconsciously says: &quot;We're alike&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible she's uncomfortable with the friendship for some other reason, and is just creating distance in general.  She still sees you around, treats you like a class mate, but if you didn't cross paths naturally, she'd be fine with that.  You can try to talk to her about it, but if she doesn't like confrontation and her mind is made up, you should be prepared to walk away from that friendship - and not let it tear you up too much.  Sometimes people just don't click.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8976" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T09:45:21.403" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T09:45:21.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7131" CreationDate="2017-11-22T23:10:46.697" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some options with #1 being my personal preference. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Ask him &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why does it matter?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he has a good explanation than you should reconsider your position on not wanting to hear this talk.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If, as I believe more likely, he has answer is week. Point out that that since you guys aren't going to change anything by talking about it, his complaining accomplishes nothing except to annoy you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course this might be his true purpose in bringing it up. In which case pointing it out will hopefully gain you support from other friends who will then bring the needed preasure to bear to make him stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Have a list of good traits about the school and mention that you think this out weighs the bad.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) walking out, which you have already mastered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-11-22T23:10:46.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7140" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-23T00:43:09.103" Score="0" ViewCount="364" Body="&lt;p&gt;I co-manage a group of about 20 people, most of whom I only see once a week. Recently my partner (the other leader) fell ill and has been hospitalized with a serious illness. She will be in the hospital for a long time. Not only is this difficult, but her medical bills will be very expensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to ask my group for donations to ease some of the stress caused by her situation. However, the only time I can see most of these people in person is for a weekly meeting. I want to maximize the amount donated, but of course I understand people have different financial situations, so I don't want group members to see how much others are donating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already sent a group email to the members telling them that I will be asking for donations during the meeting. I think most people in the group are kind-hearted, but I really don't want to make people who can't give as much feel uncomfortable. I also want to make the donations truly anonymous; I myself also don't want to know how much people have donated, as I don't want this to affect my feelings toward them regarding something that's not work-related.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could ask for people to just stop by after the meeting, but most people just want to get out of there as soon as possible, and often I have additional things to handle immediately based on what came up in the meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to get as much money donated as possible while not making anyone feel uncomfortable about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9284" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T04:48:35.853" Title="How do I ask for donations anonymously at a meeting?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-11-23T17:11:52.827" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7141" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7144" CreationDate="2017-11-23T00:43:48.907" Score="14" ViewCount="3222" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bad breath seems to be inevitable at certain times, and while it is nice to anticipate being in a social setting in order to properly prepare, sometimes it comes without notice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my particular case, I will sometimes have individuals get very close to me while carrying on a conversation. Although this is typically awkward enough, it is always much worse when I know that I could possibly have bad breath. When this happens, I get very uncomfortable and tend to do one of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Look down when talking. I don't like this approach because I am&#xA;usually breaking eye contact with the person which could be taken as&#xA;rude. Also, I am a very tall individual and so I am usually&#xA;looking down to the person regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Take a step back. I feel like this could also be taken as rude and&#xA;possibly make that person think that &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are making me uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Just deal with it, but then constantly fear that you will be labeled as &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; guy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, these are people that I do not know well enough that I can be honest about the situation, so short of carrying around gum all day everyday, I feel as though the options are limited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a good social way to deal with this type of situation that avoids appearing rude or distant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6061" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-04T13:59:52.737" LastActivityDate="2020-05-04T10:56:08.870" Title="How do you talk to someone when you know you have bad breath?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="353" CreationDate="2017-11-23T01:13:14.033" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this is impolite, especially if it's a stranger. First of all I don't know what is the reader's personality or what is in his mind at that moment. Second, he might have react negatively. I would use common sense: if the person seems friendly, I would ask very politely; if not, I would respect his privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9287" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-11-23T01:17:54.730" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T01:17:54.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7141" CreationDate="2017-11-23T01:30:17.797" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Apart from a deliberate admission of possible bad breath, I'm not sure that there really is an interpersonal solution to this problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry I just ate [insert pungent food item here] &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And taking a step back is an option, but it sounds like you've already thought of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your other option, interpersonally speaking, is to stop worrying about it and let the close talkers run the risk, but it doesn't sound like you really want to do that either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly I would stop worrying about it, and/or carry mints/gum when I know it's important to make a good first impression (First date, job interview, etc.) Most people who you randomly encounter aren't worth so much worry and, like you said, an admission is an option for the people you deal with regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T01:30:17.797" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7141" CreationDate="2017-11-23T02:22:39.430" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Take a step back. I feel like this could also be taken as rude and possibly make that person think that they are making me uncomfortable&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it is true it could possibly be taken as a little rude, it is not so likely or bad; and socially speaking, having particularly pungent breath and engaging in a close conversation is a much worse offence than taking a step back. Based off personal experience I know many people who make an active effort to &lt;strong&gt;avoid&lt;/strong&gt; people who have bad breath because they don't want to be trapped in one of these close up conversations and have to decide between themselves pulling away, or suffering through it. If &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are the one to pull away then you will save them this decision and they would be more likely to feel thankful than offended that you are uncomfortable in their presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it this way: You have each unwittingly entered a close conversation, you don't want the other to dislike you for your bad breath and they want to escape. However you are both maintaining the close distance out of fear for offending your friend. Classic catch 22. Choose the lesser of two evils and if you want to make sure they don't think you were uncomfortable you could make some comment/joke about the situation to re-assure your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T02:22:39.430" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7145" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7130" CreationDate="2017-11-23T02:41:53.457" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show how your question is different from what you've already gone over.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; be different, or you wouldn't be asking again, right? So something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you said it must be red and green, but then your documentation says it must be friendly for colorblind people. These two things are at odds, so which do you want me to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or maybe:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The documentation says the page must load &quot;very fast&quot;, but I'm not sure specifically what that means. Is one second very fast? One tenth of a second?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go to them and simply ask what colors should you make the page or how quickly it should load, then they're not going to understand why you're asking about it again. If you explicitly acknowledge the information you've already been given and why it's insufficient, then there's no way they can retort with &quot;go read the documentation.&quot; If you say &quot;I'm not sure what colors to use&quot;, then of course they'll say &quot;I already told you this. Why are you asking me again?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing that can help is to put more effort into seeing these problems ahead of time, so you don't have to repeatedly go back to them for clarification. If you ask them a question about the color scheme ten different times, then it's completely understandable they'd get frustrated, even if they're all legitimate. Think through the request thoroughly enough the first time that you don't need to keep going back to them to clarify things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me give you a real example from today that's not software related. My boss left a couple papers on my desk that I needed, but I was working elsewhere. I texted someone in that office to grab them for me because I was going to see them later. They were the only two papers on or in my desk, and my desk is very clean in general. Here's how the conversation went:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Hi, will you grab the papers on my desk and bring them to me later?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[A couple minutes pass]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Where are they?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: On my desk. (Thinking: didn't my last text say that?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[A couple more minutes pass]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Is it the X papers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Yes. (Thinking: those are literally the only papers I could&#xA;  possibly mean. Right?) Are there any other papers on my desk?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: No, just those two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, I'm wondering if they drank too much the night before or hit their head or something. From my perspective, they kept asking for clarification when I had &lt;em&gt;clearly&lt;/em&gt; given them enough information to do the job. They never justified their confusion. I said &quot;grab papers on my desk&quot;. All they had to was look at my desk and grab the only visible papers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now imagine if they had sent the following along with their initial response: &quot;I don't want the people sitting next to you thinking I'm stealing things from your desk. Can you tell me exactly where the papers are and what they look like so I can grab them confidently and not seem suspicious?&quot; Then I would have understood why they were asking and could've promptly resolved it. As it was, I'm sure we both ended up annoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In conclusion, make your question specific, explicitly give a reason for your confusion and why you can't solve it on your own, and do your very best to ask all your questions when the problem first arises.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-11-23T02:48:38.357" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T02:48:38.357" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7140" CreationDate="2017-11-23T02:47:55.737" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell&lt;/strong&gt; them the truth. It’s not really going to make people uncomfortable if you ask,”It would help (name) really much if you donated. The hospital bills are really expensive, and we ask you to please donate, even ifs it’s as little as a dollar.” in the email. You could make a Pateron page so you won’t know how many people have donated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9141" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T02:47:55.737" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7131" CreationDate="2017-11-23T02:51:28.747" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Saints preserve us from guys who enjoy &quot;just telling it like it is&quot;.  There's very often an ulterior motive attached, likely showing dominance or enjoying making others feel bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll paraphrase Anderson above and suggest that you ask him, &quot;Is there any reason to keep bringing this up, beyond annoying me and hurting [x]'s feelings?&quot;  Recommend you tell him that there will not be any agreement on this issue, so for the sake of peace between friends he should drop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, it may be necessary to buttress your position on this several times; guys like your friend rarely give up pushing people's buttons willingly.  Recommend negative reinforcement if he keeps bringing it up.  &quot;Get over high school already.  Now you're just being deliberately rude.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do note that these recommendations are a little more (ahem) brusque than I'd usually give, but you have to make it really, publicly clear that he is being rude to the rest of you on purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T02:51:28.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="353" CreationDate="2017-11-23T03:43:42.357" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to be a recruiter, and while the goal was different, the methods to approach people I think are applicable to everyone in any situation.  In your case, I would take a second to get an idea of the reader's non-verbal communication first.  There are some obvious cues, like maybe he or she has headphones in while reading.  This ought to be a clear sign that maybe he or she is trying to eliminate distractions, or maybe even avoid human interaction altogether.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also look to see how they respond to other stimulus, for example, do they look up to see who is getting on the subway? Do they acknowledge and smile when people walk by?  Or do they just tuck themselves in closer and not make eye contact with anyone?  Unless they are at least already willing to make eye contact (even if just for a second when they pass by) then they may either be intentionally trying to avoid contact, or they may be so absorbed that even if they aren't trying to avoid contact they may be startled if you interrupt them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, if they show some kind of engagement outside of their book, (such as smiling at passers by or occasionally looking out the window, etc) then I would consider that as a go-ahead opportunity to engage.  To do that, I would follow some of the guidance already mentioned, and especially the Tom Au's guidance about making it worth their while, and also the general comments about using an introductory and polite phrase.  And be genuine!  Say what really drives you to ask!  I might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Excuse me, hi!  Would you mind sharing what book you are reading?  I really like the cover artwork!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And smile/show enthusiasm while you say it!  Or maybe:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry to bother you, but would you mind telling me the author of that book?  I am fascinated by Chernobyl!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever it is, it doesn't matter, the general format is &quot;(say something to get attention and portray that you acknowledge you are interrupting them), (ask your question in a way that really asks for permission for them to answer you)? (give them the psycho-social reciprocity, tell them why you want to know what only they can tell you and how much happier it will make you)!&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following this methodology will:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;help you rule out readers that may not welcome such a question&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;improve your odds of a positive and friendly response and make sure your question is fairly well received at least&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;has a good chance of leading to an interesting conversation! &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: I advise against making something up as to why you want to know.  If you wind up in situation 3 but you weren't really that excited about Chernobyl, then you may find yourself in an awkward conversation...  Also, in regards to challenging books, don't worry about it!  Maybe if you know it is more advanced, just dismiss or downplay it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, I'm just trying to learn more about Astrophysics, its really interesting!&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if you see them kind of recoil a bit, maybe distance yourself from the book, so something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I think I might have bit off more than I can chew!&quot; &#xA;  &lt;br&gt;    Or &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;I think I dove head first into the deep end!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At any rate, after these first few exchanges, the possibilities are&#xA;endless, just go out and try different things and let us know how it&#xA;works out!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9290" LastEditorUserId="24204" LastEditDate="2019-06-03T12:13:42.070" LastActivityDate="2019-06-03T12:13:42.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7140" CreationDate="2017-11-23T04:48:35.853" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Setting up an online donation account such as &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gofundme.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;GoFundMe&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; it will preserve the anonymity of donations and allow you to quickly mention the topic without the need to talk about or publicise how much any one person has donated. If you like you could still have a physical donation box; One way to say this to the group is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have set up a GoFundMe account for {%friend}, I will email you all the link and any contributions are much appreciated. Also, I will be happy to make the donation for anyone who wants to put some money in this collection box.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way there will be no awkwardness around the amount of money people give at the time will not be compared and used for guilt as the &lt;strong&gt;real&lt;/strong&gt; donations will take place privately at a later time, and putting money in the box does not actually indicate how much any one person will donate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Someone could put in $2 and then donate $500 later, or someone might put in $50 and not donate online at all, the point is nobody will be able to compare how much others are donating&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T04:48:35.853" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7100" CreationDate="2017-11-23T04:54:50.040" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem isn't her dropping hints, it's her interpreting your statements as hints.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I bet you think that's preposterous. You only say just what you mean, right? Well, maybe. Let's take a look at your example. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ME: This week I'll only be able to meet on Tuesday, because of so, so&#xA;  and so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;HER: Oh, I actually had an appointment that day...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ME: Oh, well, that's a shame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This here says you are disappointed you two can't meet. Maybe you do not expect her to act on that disappointment, but someone who cares about you will likely do so anyway. Especially if you include a crying emoticon, you can't blame her for interpreting it as you being upset! If you are so straightforward and are really okay with not meeting, then &lt;strong&gt;say that&lt;/strong&gt; instead of expressing disappointment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;HER: Would you like me to cancel it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, you might infer she's okay with canceling the appointment, although she never actually said that. She's simply asking if you want her to cancel. You should assume it's some hassle to cancel it since she brought it up. Otherwise it wouldn't be relevant to the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ME: No, that's okay, I don't want to bother you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ME (5 minutes later): On a second thought though, if it won't bother&#xA;  you, I'd actually like to meet you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you okay with not meeting or are you not? Do you want to interfere with her appointment or not? Even &lt;em&gt;I'm&lt;/em&gt; confused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(Afterwards...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;HER: So.. you'd like me to cancel it for sure?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that she's asking the question again means she's not sure what you're asking for. This is a direct question with no hints. And yet...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ME: Well, I'd like to meet you, yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't a straightforward response. &quot;Yes, I'd like you to cancel your appointment so we can meet,&quot; is straightforward. But canceling is almost certainly an inconvenience, and surely you know that, right? So don't act like you're not inconveniencing her, and that all you said here is that you'd like to meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously you didn't actually &lt;em&gt;force&lt;/em&gt; her to cancel her appointment, but you did express disappointment and then you asked her to cancel it. It's reasonable for her to feel &lt;em&gt;obligated&lt;/em&gt; to cancel it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, what can you do to prevent this?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do what she's doing: ask her a direct question about what she wants. You said you can only meet Tuesday. Did you ask her if she's available or wants to meet that day? Why should she assume you care if you don't bother to ask? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you ever ask her if the appointment is important or a hassle to move? If you do and she gives an ambiguous response, do what she did: ask again. My guess is she would admit it's inconvenient if you force her to outright say it is or isn't. If she says it's important, then don't ask her to cancel it or act disappointed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can you change &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; behavior?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's only one way to do this. First, understand why she is behaving the way she is. Ask her outright: &quot;Why do you offer to do things you'll feel resentful about later?&quot; Make sure you fully understand her response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next step is to somehow convince her the behavior is not actually achieving what she wants, and suggest a different behaviour that works better for both of you. Let's say her reason is that she doesn't want to disappoint you by not meeting you. Don't claim you aren't disappointed by it; that's blatantly false. Instead, say you are even more saddened by the knowledge that she's resentful, and disappointed that it's causing your valuable time together to be unpleasant. If she wants you to be happy, then she should be honest about how important her commitments are instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last step is to give her ample opportunities to display the new behavior, and reinforce it when she does. If you ask her if an appointment is important and she admits that it is, tell her how happy you are that she was honest about it. Don't display any discontent about not meeting or do anything else to discourage her. If she tries to claim it isn't important, remind her how sad you'll be if she ends up being resentful, and how it makes you happier when she's honest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask her what she wants and reward her when she's honest.&lt;/strong&gt; I think that will make things a lot easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T04:54:50.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7084" CreationDate="2017-11-23T07:40:24.223" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn't your place to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last thing she wants to hear from her own partner is that she is unhealthy and needs to diet. It sounds like, from what you write, that her issue is mostly with her self-image, and by throwing out &quot;suggestions&quot; well meaning as they might be, you're only &lt;em&gt;compounding&lt;/em&gt; that issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I did try to give her some advice on healthy weight loss but Alice&#xA;  took offense. I wasn't very forceful or anything, I merely suggested a&#xA;  diet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So she was unhappy about her body image and vented to you about it, probably because she just needed someone to listen and confide in, and she chose you, her partner, the one person that should have her back. And you reacted by suggesting a diet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is about the worst thing you can do in such a situation. Often times, partners just want to &lt;strong&gt;talk&lt;/strong&gt; about the hardships they face, and don't want to hear suggestions how to solve them. I know this is an impulse, it is for many men (myself included) to immediately go into problem solving mode and try to show your compassion by helping. In my experience this is &lt;strong&gt;exactly not&lt;/strong&gt; what partners venting off to you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I suggest you take a less direct and more supportive approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When she talks to you about it, be empathethic. &lt;strong&gt;Listen&lt;/strong&gt;, but hold your suggestions until actually asked about them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you want to help, you can look up nice healthy meals for vegetarians, and cook some yourself. Maybe talk about this awesome $insertMealHere you just cooked and how delicious it was. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you two meet, maybe suggest a sport as activity. Maybe go climbing together, or hiking, or just take a stroll more often. &lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt; say that this is because of her weight - that'd be murderous to her self esteem. Be courteous about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, the best you can do in this case is to be supportive but not pushy. She sounds like she needs someone to listen and empathize, not to re-gurgitate suggestions she's already heard from doctors a hundred times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T07:40:24.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7152" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7156" CreationDate="2017-11-23T09:34:16.647" Score="15" ViewCount="8673" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner works in a book store. Because of the way the company is set up, she mostly works alone (95% of the working day).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has a regular &quot;customer&quot; (I use quotes because he never buys anything) who will come in and hang around trying to talk to her. She's been working in book stores for a long time and knows how to deal with people like this pretty effectively, but this guy just won't give up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's tried variously:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Using short answers,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling him she's busy, or doesn't have time to talk,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignoring him and going about her work,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;among other tactics. But this guy just doesn't get the hint. He'll follow her around the store, continuing to talk, if she's serving an actual customer he'll even stand to the side, wait for her to finish, then carry on.&#xA;This usually goes on for over an hour, and regularly only stops after she's &lt;em&gt;closed the store&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's had plenty of creepers who are inappropriate or threatening who'll step over the line, and when that happens she's not afraid to be assertive to get it to stop (and it works), but this guy never pushes it that far, so it's never got to that stage. He's basically benign, but just won't get the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can she get him to stop talking to her when all this has failed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a firm (and polite, if possible) way to tell the customer to stop bothering her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bare in mind this is a shop where she works alone. She can't shut the door, go out to the back room and wait (she'd have to be there for literally an hour), or deflect him onto another staff member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While we can't rule out the possibility, there is no reason to treat this as if he is romantically interested, that is to say he hasn't made any advances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; Note: This happened several years ago and was only resolved after we moved to a new town. I'm asking because I'd like to know what she can do if this happens again in the future.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6797" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T02:16:50.647" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T03:53:08.080" Title="How to deal with someone who won't leave me alone?" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7084" CreationDate="2017-11-23T09:54:19.413" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like she may be starting to redevelop the symptoms of her eating disorder - which, contrary to popular belief, is possible whether you are thin or not. As such I am going to take a hard approach to this, as eating disorders need to be taken seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's really important that you &lt;strong&gt;don't suggest any more diet tips to her&lt;/strong&gt;, and when you see her, if she looks unwell &lt;strong&gt;tell her that she looks unwell.&lt;/strong&gt; If she has lost weight in a very short space of time, or when she is already thin, don't tell her that she looks good. Tell her that she looks sick. It's important not to give positive reinforcement for unhealthy weight loss. If she starts to look healthy, give her compliments, but &lt;strong&gt;don't make comments about her appearance, weight or body.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that this sounds cruel, and it sounded that way to me too when I first heard it. The reason that it's important is because the person with the eating disorder needs to understand that what they are doing is harmful, and that it's not helping them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain to her what you've noticed and why it worries you, but not as a personal criticism. Something to the effect of &quot;I am worried that you have started restricting your food intake again, I want you to know that I love you very much and I care about you, that's why I'm concerned. I would really appreciate it if you would seek medical attention again and I'm happy to support you in doing so.&quot; She may well get angry and be offended, but at this point the most important thing is that she gets the help that she needs, so that's something that we as loved ones do have to deal with. That anger will pass. She needs to know that she has support and that she is cared about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: my wife was a support worker in an eating disorders clinic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/helping-someone-with-an-eating-disorder.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;I found this article really useful in learning more about eating disorders and how to help someone who has one.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2242" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T09:54:19.413" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7154" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7161" CreationDate="2017-11-23T10:55:39.137" Score="27" ViewCount="12199" Body="&lt;p&gt;My sister is in the hospital. She’s a smoker and has run out of cigarettes and is asking me to bring her more. She is not hospitalized because of her smoking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly disagree with smoking and feel like I would be encouraging/condoning it by bringing her cigarettes and I have therefore said I won’t bring her any cigarettes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already made some concessions, as much as it pained me, and took her outside in a wheelchair to smoke her last cigarette.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She’s constantly asking me to bring her some. I know if she asked the nurses, they would give her a nicotine patch/gum/nicotine product if the cravings are the issue and she knows that too, so I don't think nicotine withdrawal is the issue here. I think she just wants to smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She’s mainly targeting me as she knows I’m most likely to cave in and bring her cigarettes but has asked others, who have also said no. Her friends that smoke won’t be visiting until later today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I’m not trying to force her to stop or even asking her to stop. I’m asking her to stop asking me to condone it and assist her with it.&lt;/em&gt; I'm not worried about her resenting me for that, as I know such resentment would not be long-lived once she's found someone else to go get the cigarettes for her. Minimising this would simply be an added bonus, a secondary objective if you will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I get her to respect my beliefs and stop asking me to help her smoke?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This question is not about whether it’s right or wrong to give her cigarettes.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Suggestions on compromises maybe helpful but (in general) telling me why I should or shouldn’t assist her to smoke doesn’t answer the question and I think is off-topic and possibly a topic for &lt;a href=&quot;https://biology.stackexchange.com&quot;&gt;Biology.SE&lt;/a&gt;. I know and understand the arguments for and against. I agree with the hospital, whose policy is to provide treatment for nicotine withdrawal but not to encourage or condone smoking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been one of the main people helping her and providing support in general. When she was admitted I went 3 days with little sleep and spent every available hour helping her so I would ask you to please hold the “bad brother” comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The total time between her running out and a friend bringing her cigarettes was comparable to a long haul flight, she was otherwise fine and ready for discharge (basically final day of monitoring before going home).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2356" LastEditorUserId="21535" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T07:25:13.827" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T15:04:02.433" Title="How can I get my sister to stop asking me to help her smoke?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7154" CreationDate="2017-11-23T12:16:48.240" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my language, we have a saying that says: &quot;O combinado não sai caro&quot;.&#xA;Basically it says that an agreement is the best option for making the 2 parts happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm proposing: propose an agreement to her, that you will bring her some more cigarettes, but will lower the numbers as the days goes by. Example: day 1: bring her 5 cigarettes, day 2: 4, day 3: 3... If needed, the numbers can be replaced of course. but my point is, don't take it away from her immediately, take it away gradually, she will be more whiling to compel with you (cause some is better than nothing) and you will also help her smoking less/nothing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8934" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-23T12:17:34.767" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T12:17:34.767" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7156" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7152" CreationDate="2017-11-23T12:20:02.450" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I experienced almost the exact same thing when I worked in a small shop some 26 years ago. Over the two years I worked in there on minimum wage there were a few 'customers' that would come in several times a week, ask stupid questions and then never buy anything. Only in my case it wasn't usually people of the opposite sex, and I concluded that they were just lonely. They had the time to spend hanging around a shop during the day because they didn't have jobs. Funnily enough, when I called into the old shop some years later as a customer myself I found one guy that had been a serial loiterer was now working behind the counter! Perhaps that was what he was after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Onto answering your question - I related my story because this guy could have any number of motives for pestering your partner. It could be a romantic interest, maybe it's just loneliness, or perhaps he wants to work in a bookstore? Whatever she perceives his motive to be may determine the approach she chooses, but as he is disturbing her work she does have to get rid of him somehow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she suspects his interest is romantic is there any way that you could spend a day there? Seeing her partner might scare him off. Or next time he comes in could she text you, and you call her - have some domestic discussion and an 'I love you' (if your relationship is at that stage of course!) in earshot of the guy. I appreciate that this isn't exactly 'interpersonal' advice, but the guy's behaviour is kind of antisocial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she wants, or has no choice but to confront him then really there is no way other than the direct approach. Say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Can I ask - what do you want? You don't buy books. Why do you come in&#xA;  here so often?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he says that he is just browsing, follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That's fine, but please can I ask you to browse quietly and not&#xA;  disturb me while I'm working.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand if he does have romantic intentions, firmly state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am not interested. I think you should leave.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She should talk to her boss about it first. Whatever solution she finally attempts could backfire and result in a complaint, so it would be better if the boss knew about the situation beforehand. He/she might even have a solution - maybe having a second staff member there for a short time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-11-23T13:49:41.227" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T13:49:41.227" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7154" CreationDate="2017-11-23T12:46:21.423" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a heavy smoker for decades, it would have done nothing. Unfortunately. Nothing. At all... No deal, and no big deal. I would have found a way to get my cigarettes, believe me... As any &lt;em&gt;under influence&lt;/em&gt; person would probably too :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've stopped for some years now, and feel great. At the time I was smoking, I knew what it does to your body. But I could also feel what it does to your mind: helps you feel better, and relieves some pain. We, smoker, &lt;strong&gt;are&lt;/strong&gt; addicted (were, for me, now). It's a pity, but a fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me tell you how she may feel. I was in her shoes. Underwent surgery (quite heavy) years ago, and had to stay in bed for at least 3 days without moving, and with heavy (controlled) drugs to relieve the pain. You know what? After 36 hours, I was out of bed...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was taking nearly 25mn to walk to the elevator, get downstairs, reach the outside area where people were allowed to smoke. And 25mn to go back to my bed. I was doing that every 2 hours the first day (with an episode of my favourite show inbetween), and every hour after 1 more day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Never underestimate the EVIL power of a cigarette!!!&lt;/strong&gt; She needs it, for now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At this very particular moment, she needs it more than ever. It's a shame, I agree, and will never tell it enough. But she needs it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you say &lt;strong&gt;NO&lt;/strong&gt; to her? Sure. Find your words, choose them carefully, and, more important, &lt;strong&gt;keep them for later, when she'll be back home, and have a more listening ear.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, you may ask her to not ask you. Simply that. Will it work?...hm...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if you want to help her later, and help her fight that nicotine addiction, you may want to wait until she gets better. You can find many many websites with useful tips. Anyway, be prepared to hear a &lt;em&gt;NO&lt;/em&gt; or something along the line of &lt;em&gt;I don't care&lt;/em&gt;, or &lt;em&gt;I do whatever I want with my health&lt;/em&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; want to tell her right now, tell her something like: &lt;em&gt;Please, sister, you know I don't like cigarettes, and what it does to people. Why do you ask &lt;strong&gt;ME&lt;/strong&gt; to help you do that?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may help her understand she goes against what you believe. Never know...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-11-23T13:03:33.020" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T13:03:33.020" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7154" CreationDate="2017-11-23T12:56:09.340" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As OldPadawan says,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would have found a way to get my cigarettes, believe me... As any under influence person would probably too&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is on withdrawal, symptoms can be quite bad (I know, I quit smoking). This will greatly increase her stress and is guaranteed to interfere with her healing. If she's in the hospital, now is not the moment to quit smoking, which is something you do when you're at ease, with lots of motivation and no stress in sight. What you are doing is simply adding stress and other problems on top of her other problems (like being sick and in the hospital).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also one common symptom of withdrawal is extreme irritability, so don't be surprised at a surprisingly high level of resentment on her part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I get her to respect my beliefs&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your beliefs are irrelevant. Either your desire to help her is more important than your beliefs, or it is not, in which case you should acknowledge you don't really care, and stop visiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you wish to help her, you will have to convince her to use a substitute that will fix her cravings and withdrawal symptoms while being better for her health. Nicotine patches and gums are crap, the best way I found is simply to use a vape. It really works because the user controls the dose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the IPS bit: I recommend offering her a vape and convincing her that it's much more convenient in her current hospital setting. Arguments you can use are: it works, it fixes the withdrawal, it makes no smoke, she doesn't need to get out on her whelechair, it's much better for her health, and since it doesn't upset your &quot;beliefs&quot; you will bring her the stuff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But most likely if she hasn't had a smoke in several days you'll just hand the thing to her and she'll suckle on it like crazy to get her dose, without you having to say anything at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then the next days you visit don't forget to compliment her about how she no longer smells like tobacco, etc. You can try to convince her to switch to vaping entirely instead of smoking. It really works. It is also much cheaper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you pick a liquid that doesn't stink, though. If you worry about the price, ask yourself if helping a family member in need is worth 50 bucks?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-11-23T13:19:39.080" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T13:19:39.080" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7160" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-23T13:44:49.990" Score="2" ViewCount="506" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read this &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4853/3951&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt;, which formulated my behavior quite well, that is to say, I am a button pusher. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a tendency to critique someone's arguments for being poor, without having any interest or opinion on the conclusion. This includes both, pointing out logical fallacies and question their premises. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone presents an opinion, I will gladly, and sometimes knowingly, assume the opposite opinion for &quot;the sake of argument&quot;. I have rationalized this to myself, as helping people think through their ideas, and make sure they are rigorous under attack &lt;em&gt;(people rarely seem to appreciate my completely selfless help :))&lt;/em&gt;. Someone asked me, &quot;how would you like it, if people said such and such to you&quot;, to which I answered that I truly wish for that, and that I try to hold myself to the same standards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly, it doesn't have to be an opinion. It can just be some thing they heard that they found interesting, and now I have to argue why it isn't interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sometimes conscious of this, and I sometimes choose to let it go, but rarely, and it hurts every time. I have a few very good, very long term friends, with whom I've learned not to do this, to some extent anyways. A friend told me recently, that we do nothing but argue. To which I said something like, &quot;and if we stop, I'd get bored.&quot;, which really is true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has become a meme during lunch at work, that whenever I start talking, (some) people go &quot;Oh no!&quot;, &quot;Here we go&quot;, or &quot;I can't be borthered with this&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To summarize; discussion is like a drug to me, so if there is a way where I can keep taking this drug, without the alienating consequences I'd love that. However, if someone knows another way to deal with this, I'd be open to it. I am 28, and living in Scandinavia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, this feels like a therapy session, so I don't know if this is the correct forum, but it is between other people and me. I appreciate any and all suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9302" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T14:08:41.007" Title="How to stop alienating people with conflict?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-23T14:26:15.190" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7154" CreationDate="2017-11-23T14:03:03.630" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a tricky situation, because neither of you is objectively more correct than the other. Your sister makes a valid case, but so do you. The decision on whose argument is more correct is &lt;strong&gt;fully subjective&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;If I were to put this question in front of a large crowd, I would expect there to be support for either side of the argument, which means that we can't tell you which side is definitively correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First things first, &lt;strong&gt;you have the right to refuse to bring her cigarettes&lt;/strong&gt;. Nothing I say is going to change that fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I want to explore that decision first. Not to criticize you or invalidate your opinion, but rather to showcase that your sister is likely hearing something different than what you're saying; which is contributing to the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me play your advocate and your sister's advocate. From those two viewpoints, we can distill an IPS approach that avoids offending either party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Playing your advocate.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You have the right to refuse any favor that is asked of you.&lt;/strong&gt; Full stop. It doesn't matter whether your sister is asking your to bring her cigarettes or her slippers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the freedom to do so does not mean that you're immune to the consequence of doing so. If your sister find your refusal unjustified, she will be upset with you, even if she can't force you to actually perform the favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But how to phrase your refusal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly disagree agree with smoking and feel like I would be encouraging/condoning it by bringing her cigarettes and I have therefore said I won’t bring her any cigerettes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you used a phrasing similar to this, I can understand why your sister essentially ignores your explanation and repeats the question (&lt;em&gt;Note: I can see where she's coming from. I'm not saying that she's objectively correct&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on your phrasing, you've implied that you refuse to bring her cigarettes because you want to make her stop smoking. In your question, there is a general underlying tone to most of what you said that implies this same intent; you're trying to direct your sister's behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Importantly&lt;/strong&gt;: You've already explicitly denied this in a later comment you made, where you confirm that you're not trying to get her to stop. But sadly, that message gets lost in translation, because your initial phrasing &lt;strong&gt;implies&lt;/strong&gt; personal motivations, even if that's not the case.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;The source of conflict often derives from making implications, &lt;em&gt;regardless&lt;/em&gt; of whether you wanted to make the implication or believe that it's correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;From this point on, we're focusing on &lt;strong&gt;what your sister hears&lt;/strong&gt;, not on what you intended to say in the first place.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your sister may not consider this a valid justification. Legally speaking, it isn't (if she's an adult, you have no standing to make her life decisions for her). Morally speaking, it's subjective (some people will agree with your sister, some people will agree with you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead, stick to the undeniable facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel uncomfortable bringing you cigarettes. You know my opinion on smoking, and bringing you cigarettes would make me feel like I'm going against my own moral code. I would rather not do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything you say here is undeniably true. Even though your motivation is subjective, describing that this is your motivation is &lt;em&gt;objectively&lt;/em&gt; correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I think it would be interesting for you to consider how unwilling you are to enable her smoking. Forget the hospital for a second:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would you be okay asking someone (e.g. another sibling) to bring her cigarettes?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would you drive her to a shop if she needs cigarettes?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would you tell her where to find a shop where she can buy cigarettes?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would you lend her money, if you knew she was going to buy cigarettes with it? (assume she is guaranteed to pay you back promptly)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would you accompany her if she drives herself to a shop to get cigarettes? (assuming you would otherwise still have spent time with your sister)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you can see that this becomes a slippery slope. There is a point where your refusal will generally be considered &lt;em&gt;petty&lt;/em&gt; (by your sister), which will cause friction between you (thus precluding a good IPS approach).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can argue about &lt;em&gt;where&lt;/em&gt; that exact point is, but that's irrelevant. Your opinion is different from your sister's, which is different from mine. There is no objectively correct answer here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; in fact comfortable with some of the alternatives (you can of course think of others if you want), I would include them as a suggestion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would feel uncomfortable bringing you cigarettes. You know my opinion on smoking, and bringing you cigarettes would make me feel like I'm going against my own moral code. I would rather not do so.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;If you want, I can ask [sibling] to bring you some when they visit you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lowers the chance for your sister to get offended or consider your refusal unjustified. Instead of abjectly refusing, you are instead simply trying to avoid a personal issue, and have suggested a viable alternative that does not make you feel (as) uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Playing your sister's advocate.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get her to respect my beliefs and stop asking me to help her smoke?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that your sister can ask the same of you, getting you to respect her right to smoke if she chooses to, regardless of your opinion on the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Changing the example, would you bring your sister her favorite cookies if she asked you to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it may be morally justified for you to refuse doing so if your sister is e.g. in hospital for obesity-related problems; there's no real moral justification for refusing to do so if your sister is in good health (i.e. the cookies are not unusually detrimental to her in her current state).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the core of your sister's argument. She is asking for your &lt;strong&gt;assistance&lt;/strong&gt;. The only reason she's asking for help is because she currently has issues doing it herself (due to being confined to the hospital). She is not asking for your permission, approval or advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you refuse to bring your sister cigarettes, what she hears is that &lt;strong&gt;you're refusing to help her&lt;/strong&gt;. You refused her request, but (to her) it was merely a request for help, not to make her life decisions for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are valid reasons for you to refuse bringing her cigarettes, but from your sister's point of view, they are generally limited to not being able to visit or bring anything at all (regardless of the cigarettes themselves).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm trying to get at, is that there is a meaningful difference between &lt;strong&gt;helping someone&lt;/strong&gt;, and &lt;strong&gt;helping someone do something&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me change the example, so that you're impartial to the scenario:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A man is lying on the ground. He is wounded. I rush over to him, I treat his wounds and nurse him back to full health. Upon recovery, the man continues what he was doing before he got injured: destroying the rainforest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I had not helped this man, he would not have been able to destroy more of the rainforest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though &lt;strong&gt;I helped the man&lt;/strong&gt;, and he could not have continued destroying the rainforest without me healing him, &lt;strong&gt;I did not help the man to destroy the rainforest&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;What the man chose to do after he was healed, was his decision, not mine. Healing the man does not make me responsible for all his future actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same is true for your sister. She is asking for your help, but she's not asking you to kill her by making her smoke. Even after you bring the cigarettes, you're not forcing her to smoke them. She is &lt;strong&gt;willingly&lt;/strong&gt; smoking cigarettes, and it is her right to choose to do so.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Bringing your sister cigarettes does not make you responsible for her voluntarily smoking the cigarettes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;There is one fringe exception: if your sister has already indicated she wanted to stop smoking, and is clearly caving to the withdrawal. But you never mentioned that your sister has wanted to stop smoking, so this is irrelevant for the current situation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;So, what's the conclusion here?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, you need to decide where your priorities lie. If there is no middle ground to be found, would you rather bring cigarettes to your sister, or will you keep refusing to do so (and risk having her be upset with you)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you will keep refusing to do so; then you have your answer. Phrase your refusal kindly (as per the example above), but since you have definitively made up your mind, there's no further discussion to be had.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;All you can do is &lt;em&gt;explain&lt;/em&gt; your reasoning to your sister in order to lower the chance (or severity) of her being upset with you, but that's not a guarantee.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;It's possible that offending her is unavoidable. That depends on your sister, and I don't know her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you would rather bring her cigarettes than have a falling out with her, or are at least open to compromise (meeting her halfway), then there is more to discuss. The only fair way for this to work, is if &lt;strong&gt;both of you&lt;/strong&gt; are comfortable with the compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, start off the same way: explain to her why you feel uncomfortable. Don't beat a dead horse either; I infer that you've been clear about your disapproval of her smoking in the past, so she may already know your stance on it. Focus on &lt;strong&gt;how it makes you feel&lt;/strong&gt;, don't focus on defining what is right and wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After she understands (and respects) your apprehension; try and find a middle ground. I can't give you a conclusive answer here, because I can't answer for your sister (or for you). Try coming up with alternatives, and try to &lt;strong&gt;achieve your sister's goal&lt;/strong&gt; while also &lt;strong&gt;avoiding personal uncomfortability&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What will happen will depend on both you and your sister. If your sister isn't very sympathetic, it's likely that she'll be upset with you based on your initial refusal. There's not much you can do here, except explain your reasoning and express that you don't want to feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your sister is particularly sympathetic, she might be okay with your refusal and doesn't need you to meet her halfway (e.g. once she understand your feelings, she may understand that she shouldn't involve you in her attempt to get cigarettes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's somewhere in the middle, then you'll need to work out a compromise between the two of you. But at least you're now having an &lt;strong&gt;open and honest conversation&lt;/strong&gt;, as opposed to misunderstanding each other and talking past each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T14:08:24.713" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7160" CreationDate="2017-11-23T14:08:41.007" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are lots of pop-psychology terms batted about these days. 'Button pusher' sounds to me like someone who deliberately wants to cause conflict, and clearly you do not, as indicated by your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer the term 'devil's advocate'. I'm sure you've heard it before, it has historical context but in modern use it describes someone who, given a certain point of view, takes a position he or she does not necessarily agree with for the sake of debate or to explore the thought further (definition lifted from Wikipedia). In many situations this type of arguing is essential. For example in the workplace, perhaps in a project or testing environment, a 'devil's advocate' may be the only person that considers what might happen if something goes wrong and get preventative measures built in before it actually does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what you have is a very useful debating skill. But as you have seen, it doesn't really go down well in social situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply put, you need to learn when to switch this off. It should come if you work on respecting other people's opinions. Others are perfectly entitled to enjoy or appreciate things that you do not. Try to show an interest in others and their likes/dislikes. Speaking personally, I find that I am able to appreciate other people's enthusiasm for something when it reminds me of my own enthusiasm for a completely different subject. For example I love music, I can talk about it for hours, and there are a couple of bands who I would travel some distance to see. I used to have a workmate who was obsessed with trains and he would travel miles to see particular trains - something I just can't get enthused about, and yet hearing him talk about his hobby I did kind of understand his passion and respect his interest, no matter how weird it may seem to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this need to debate is as powerful as you say - 'like a drug' - then perhaps there are outlets where you could get it out of your system. Join a debating society? Do an evening class on a subject that is open to lots of debate. I loved studying poetry at college, you can debate for hours over the meaning of things and in the end everybody can be right!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T14:08:41.007" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7164" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7154" CreationDate="2017-11-23T14:22:48.133" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your feelings on smoking come from listening to your conscience. It sounds corny, but if you personify your conscience it can help explain to someone why you are making a particular stand. So rather than saying &quot;I won't/can't do that&quot;, show her your inner predicament by saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, my conscience won't allow me to help you smoke. Everybody knows that&#xA;  smoking is harmful to your health, and if I were to help you smoke I&#xA;  would feel like I was causing harm to you. I couldn't live with myself&#xA;  if I did that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T14:22:48.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="353" CreationDate="2017-11-23T16:12:23.267" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's impolite to interrupt anyone while they are obviously reading, especially to ask a self-serving, trivial question. Besides, it's nosy, and prying. It's best not to assume that people want to talk (or just answer casual questions about themselves) simply because they happen to be out in public with other people. It's possible they choose to read, because they don't feel like talking to strangers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9307" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T16:12:23.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="223" CreationDate="2017-11-23T16:23:04.527" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suppose this is the reason why we say to children &quot;don't talk with your mouth full&quot;. Not only is it disgusting to see people's mushed up food in their mouth, it also creates a window of opportunity for food to come out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was me, personally I wouldn't say anything and pretend I didnt like the food or wasn't hungry. Just make sure next time you go out together you eat at the side, not infront of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit because I apparantly I didn't elaborate enough:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I wouldn't say anything because I would be too embarrassed to say anything. I wouldn't know how to bring it up because I don't want to embarrass the person. For me, it would be easier to avoid the situation and thus not saying anything&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If that wasn't already a given)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9308" LastEditorUserId="9308" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T11:03:22.757" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T11:03:22.757" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1426" CreationDate="2017-11-23T16:31:43.397" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many Europeans don't like this tradition either. My self I am British, and many of my partner's extended family kiss me on the cheek, and I hate it. I also know an extended family member from a city many miles away from our family (still in Britain), and she openly states she hates it. The family joke that it's because of the area she's from, but regardless, they still respect it. Perhaps you could mention to your husband that you don't like it, and see if he will mention it to his family while you are not there. He can explain to them that it makes you uncomfortable. With you being from a different country, they might not understand why, but will understand that different cultures do things differently. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that fails, the next time someone approaches you for a kiss, just flat out &quot;oh please no&quot; or something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9308" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T16:31:43.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7173" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7175" CreationDate="2017-11-23T18:03:59.630" Score="1" ViewCount="131" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a Brasilian developer and I'm currently looking for reallocation to another country. For that, I need a cover letter for my resume, but Brasilians tend to be playful and not that formal even on cover letters - &lt;em&gt;don't get me wrong, we can treat serious situations seriously when needed&lt;/em&gt; -.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: when presenting myself to an European (for example) employer through my cover letter, is it better for me to be all serious or to make some respectful jokes and talk about stuff that doesn't really matter for the job (Example, talking about how I am deeply inserted to the culture on England because my 3 favourite pop culture things are from there - Doctor Who, Harry Potter &amp;amp; Sherlock Holmes-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8934" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-23T18:31:44.600" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T19:32:00.540" Title="How to present myself to other cultures on cover letters" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;presentation&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-11-23T20:40:50.820" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7174" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7154" CreationDate="2017-11-23T19:00:39.090" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I agree with Flater's answer in spirit (telling the sister that being asked is a (moral) burden to you). Here is another slightly confrontational approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Look sis, I love you and you know I'll always be there for you. But please stop asking me to get you cigarettes. For me this is as if you'd be asking me to help you commit suicide (hand you a gun to shoot yourself). It pains me greatly and while I accept all your decisions, I cannot help you in this case, please do me the favour to accept that vice versa.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might open up a little discussion and yes it opens the emotion can, but as siblings (and friends etc.) sometimes it's good to talk about emotions or even let them out to some degree. Your reasons to be anti-smoking might be different, then you have to adjust the answer, but I'd be blunt and shocking this once and in any following discussion reiterate that you accept her as she is, but ask for the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't help and your relationship is used to the sibling-roughness that often overshadows the underlying sibling love, you may need to reinforce your stance a few times. You might might try to see her your point by either re-iterating the above approach in variations or using her own principles whenever she asks again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say she is a little Hermione and on moral grounds wouldn't want to do your homework:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hey bro, when you go shopping, can you get me some cigs?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Would you do my homework in the meantime? Oh not? Thought so... Remember that discussion we had?...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or stick with your own feelings&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hey bro, when you go shopping, can you get me some cigs?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Sorry, but I'm sure they have knives so you can cut your veins.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is some risk with the first approach that at some point she caves in on her principles and, in the example, does your homework (first approach), or that she feels you do want to tell her what she should do (second approach).&#xA;So use both only when she brings the topic up and remind her that it's only your reaction to her asking and you wouldn't if she didn't. In the first case, you can use anything she is very principled in and wouldn't want to do - but make sure it's clear that it's not an actual request, just a rhetoric reminder why asking you is moot and not nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As we don't know your sister, there is no one fits-all approach, especially when it comes to hitting the right tone. You want to be somewhat blunt and making sure she remembers but not be too offensive, so it all depends on how you typically converse (e.g. is banter normal or totally frowned upon etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer is explicitly not on the softest/nicest side, as we have already answers in that direction - sometimes to get your point across a bit bluntness helps, but it always needs to be delivered within the right context (i.e. not every moment might be the right and the formulation might need to be adapted to the person). In the end though, this is a confrontation of two people that want two different things, so for at least one party there is a at least a small amount of unpleasantness to be expected in however it is resolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T19:06:50.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7173" CreationDate="2017-11-23T19:32:00.540" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;State facts factually. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I personally never would, you may include hobbies and personal interests as a very short side note (unless relevant for the job), but keep the tone mostly neutral. If you want to explain why you are looking specifically in England for a job, something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... Aside from my general interest in your company, I do like the opportunity to work in England, as I like/am interested in the (local music) culture. Therefore, I would certainly be willing to relocate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;would do (to give you an example of fitting tone, feel free to formulate better/differently etc). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should however try to find out whether your humour matches with the local company culture when you're at the interview stage. It typically doesn't make sense to work at a totally strict company department when you prefer to have a relaxed funny atmosphere at work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There might be the rare exception to go for a more loosened style when the offer description already is very &quot;special&quot;, i.e. humorous itself or claiming to look for creative individuals. But then it's a hit or miss game - in general, try to be as formal as the job offering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T19:32:00.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7078" CreationDate="2017-11-23T20:05:22.977" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are talking to the host and don't want them to feel like you guilty that you aren't having a good time , you could ask about the next party or offer to host yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something along the lines of &quot;I had a fantastic time but unfortunately need to head out, we should definitely do this again.&quot; or &quot;Thank you for inviting me I had a great evening, I'll have to have you over sometime&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will re-assure the person that you had a nice evening and could want to do it again down the road. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7463" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T20:05:22.977" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2017-11-23T22:30:46.197" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My idea: invite them out to a buffet-style restaurant where you can eat as much as you want for a fixed price.  Then you can fill up, and show them what you consider a full meal to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the very least, you can get a better idea of THEIR attitude -- if they could eat more without paying more, will they?  If so, then money is their main issue.  If not, then they consider that food, above a certain level is not good (too fattening or whatever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe they grew up with an &quot;eat, eat, eat&quot; attitude they resented, always having more food pushed on them than they wanted.  They could be reacting to this by going too far the other way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-11-23T22:30:46.197" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7131" CreationDate="2017-11-24T00:14:32.227" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Don't take the bait&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who dwell on topics like this, where there is no advantage to be had except to feel they're better, have picked a topic they feel confident they can come out on top and is trying to bait others into a discussion about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Joke instead&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem pretty interested in schools all of a sudden, you aren't pregnant are you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Continue to bring up his pregnancy if he carries on talking about schools &amp;quot;Don't worry Dave, you'll have a few years until you have to think about which school to send them to&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Schools over for the rest of us...are they sending you back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might depend on their insecurity, are the rest of you doing well academically and they aren't? This might hit a nerve if thats their insecurity. Otherwise its open to joke about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dave, no one likes a show off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This depends on how well you know them and can pull off saying it in a jokey manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Continue to poke fun when they try to make it serious, they'll probably back off the subject as it isn't giving them whatever it was they hoped to gain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T00:14:32.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7181" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-24T01:04:31.807" Score="19" ViewCount="5663" Body="&lt;p&gt;So my friend called me and asked me what I was doing later for Thanksgiving. I replied that I would go with my family to dinner at an uncle's house. Near the end of the call, he asked me if I would invite him to the dinner. I replied yes out of no real thing to say or just being nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not feel comfortable with him attending my family's dinner. This is weird because he said he didn't want to go to his family's dinner. &lt;strong&gt;What should I have said to refuse inviting him to my family's dinner?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also told me to pick him up. He doesn't live far, but honestly I don't feel it is appropriate for the occasion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4279" LastEditorUserId="1685" LastEditDate="2017-11-26T05:01:55.817" LastActivityDate="2017-11-26T05:01:55.817" Title="How to politely reject inviting a friend to my family's Thanksgiving dinner?" Tags="&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;act-of-kindness&gt;&lt;holidays&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7181" CreationDate="2017-11-24T03:46:03.977" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry; that's not going to work.&quot;  People get so worked up about how to handle saying &quot;no&quot;.  There's no additional explanation necessary.  Just apologize and say it won't work.  If the friend asks why, the answer is &quot;it just won't.  I'd love to spend time with you, but Thanksgiving won't work.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T03:46:03.977" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7181" CreationDate="2017-11-24T05:01:27.430" Score="64" Body="&lt;p&gt;He asked you for an invitation that wasn't yours to give.  You're not the host, you're not the one who prepared the food, and you're not the one who will be inconvenienced by a last-minute guest.  Whether to invite him is up to your uncle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you say in this situation is something like &quot;I'm sorry, but my uncle is hosting, not me.  I can't just show up with an extra person; that's not fair to him.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the alternate universe where you want him to come, your response should instead be &quot;I'll have to ask my uncle first; that's not my decision to make&quot;.  Then you do that and, if your uncle says ok, you invite him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've occasionally dealt with people trying to invite themselves to events I'm going to, and this is the approach that has worked for me (US midwest).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T05:01:27.430" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7100" CreationDate="2017-11-24T05:25:35.957" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My first recommendation would be to read a book on communication such as Deborah Tannen's &lt;em&gt;That's not what I meant!&lt;/em&gt; (subtitled: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships).  It's not always easy to communicate, and believe it or not, the &quot;direct&quot; approach is not always the best.  In chapter 4, she points out some of the challenges with the direct approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;First, deciding to tell the truth leaves open the question, which of the infinite aspects of the truth to tell.  Second, being direct isn't enough because countless assumptions underlie anything we say or hear.  We don't think of stating them precicely because they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; assumptions.  Third, stating just what we mean would often be hurtful to others.  And finally, differing styles make honesty opaque.  Saying what we mean in our natural style conveys something different to those whose styles differ.  Attempts to get others to communicate in a way that seems natural to us will seem manipulative to them -- and won't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She then goes on to give some wonderful examples, but it sounds like you already have your own example going on!  Beyond that, she also explains a great deal of the structure of a conversation that can be easily missed unless you know it's there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution to these problems is always personal, so you and her have to work out the solution.  With my wife, the direct approach actually is the best approach, as utterly painful as it can be.  It sounds like your SO may be more amenable to a different approach.  You two need to find it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming she knows you have Asperger's syndrome, you might be able to break the ice by phrasing it as a self improvement exercise.  It's clear that she likes indirect communication, and you could coach it as an effort to help you how to communicate with her indirectly like she'd prefer.  However, there's a catch.  You would appreciate help with understanding how your hints are coming across, and help making sure you actually caught the hints she gave.  Deborah calls it metacommunicating -- explicitly communicating the unspoken frames that govern smooth conversation.  It's a rough process, which is not always ideal, but if it's right for you guys, run with it!  Find a way for her to communicate the fact that she's hinting in a way you can catch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it would work on its own, but if it was phrased in terms of an honest attempt to get better at communicating with her, that might be just enough energy to get the ball rolling and overcome the inertia of the safety of indirectness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T05:25:35.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7185" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7206" CreationDate="2017-11-24T07:02:02.540" Score="20" ViewCount="8036" Body="&lt;p&gt;We are living in an apartment, so obviously there are a lot of 'living' noises surrounding us. Even though we don't mind the regular noises (someone listening to his music a little louder, someone walking on heels ready to get going, kids playing), our neighbours are constantly fighting verbally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not overreacting if I say that at the moment it's pretty much all day. They are very loud and at some occasions the cops were involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are a family of 4 consisting of a husband and wife and their 2 daughters, which are about 6-8 years old. If it's of any relevance it's a Maroccan family. They aren't communicating in Dutch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately the fights are more constant and we understand that a couple might fight sometimes (we do as well), but I'm really sick and tired of listening to them all day long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We greet each other and have the occasional chit chat, but nothing more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other neighbours are fed up with it as well, but we're directly living next to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there an interpersonal solution in which I can ask my neighbours to mind their surroundings? I am afraid things will just escalate between us as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3585" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T08:10:06.853" LastActivityDate="2019-03-11T05:31:35.790" Title="How can we ask neighbours to be more quiet without escalating?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7185" CreationDate="2017-11-24T07:25:16.837" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming that because you're trying for an interpersonal solution, you don't want to get police or the landlord involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They are very loud and at some occasions the cops were involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That suggests that they know about it, but don't care or don't think it's that big of a deal. Oftentimes, trying to tell them that they should mind their noise level because it disturbs &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; is a surefire way to not have that happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found works better personally (at least in the 2 instances where I've had to find a way to quell noisy neighbours) is to try and spin my request into a positive for them. Use points like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they keep being so loud, a complaint may be lodged against them with the landlord by other neighbours&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Their noise level is alienating them from other neighbours, whom they might need help from (This carries the &quot;I want to help you by telling you this in case you're not aware&quot; with it)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The cops could be called again and neither of you want that&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal here is to spin this from a request on your behalf (&quot;I want you to do this for me because you're bothering me&quot;) to a conversation where you're trying to help them (&quot;I don't want you guys to get evicted or arrested or be hated by everyone else&quot;). I found this works &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; better than outright demanding they be quiet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T07:36:52.417" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T07:36:52.417" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7187" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7192" CreationDate="2017-11-24T07:32:50.083" Score="6" ViewCount="3348" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I am a software engineer at a very small medical technology company where we work mostly on developing new products. We have no store-front and only sell online but occasionally a particularly eccentric person will walk up to our office and ask to buy one of our devices. We don't want to turn away a customer so we will invite them into the office to help them buy and set up the product. There are only 4 of us in the office and we share the menial tasks but it just so happens that its my job to deal with these people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the order to be processed correctly, the only way we have set up is to open up the website on my computer and tour them through the site. Unfortunately, in my experience it is most common that the people who physically seek out an office that does not normally take sales do so because they are technologically somewhat lacking, meaning I have to enter the details for them and it is almost always a very awkward interaction for them, and even more so for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; Just to make this clear; If I am able to sit them down at the desk and enter their own details then there is no problem at all, I can guide them from behind and give space when needed. However, this is not always possible because thus far most of the people who have shown up (a general number would be 15 people out of 20) have been &lt;strong&gt;technologically lacking&lt;/strong&gt;, an example might be someone in their early 70's, who only bought a phone so they could connect it to our device and has no idea how to use it. Suffering some awkwardness is less important than taking the order and getting back to work (taking orders is not why I was hired), and some people may take a very long time. To determine if they are in this category I usually ask: would you like to sit down and enter your details, to which they respond &quot;No, you would be much faster than me; my eyesight is so bad I cannot see the keys.&quot; - or something else with the bottom line being &lt;em&gt;I am the one who will enter their details&lt;/em&gt;. My question is about such cases&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To make things worse, I am painfully aware that when in situations I am not comfortable with, it shows plainly on my face which makes the other person uncomfortable, which quickly becomes a &lt;em&gt;slippery slope&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The aspects in these interactions that I would like advice on how to make less awkward are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When they are chatting with my co-workers and I need to ask the next detail to enter. Currently I wait for a pause in the conversation or try to catch the customers attention but this is not very successful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When I have to ask for the customer's bank details. Whether I ask for their card, or for them to read it aloud, it feels like I am crossing some line.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When I have to ask for a persons Age, Weight and Height. I know some people can find these questions personal and they are not easily understood to be connected to the device, although to sign up they must be entered.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When I mishear them and have to ask for them to repeat (especially the personal details) over and over.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realise there may not be too much I can do to avoid some of the specific examples, (mishearing is a part of life) but I do believe that there are some Inter-Personal Skills that can be used to communicate with them in a way that will lessen how awkward this interaction is for us all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To re-iterate my question more precisely, given that you are in a situation where you must enter someone else's details online, what can be done to help make some of the inevitable awkwardness that will follow more bearable; or even, what can be done to avoid some of these known pitfalls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T07:58:47.110" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T10:08:10.373" Title="What can I do to make taking someone's details less awkward for both of us?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7191" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7154" CreationDate="2017-11-24T09:28:29.427" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is basically no reason for hospitalization where refraining from smoking will not increase your chances at recovery.  In particular, any wound including surgery will heal worse while smoking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your sister will not stop urging you for cigarettes because she does not want to stop smoking.  However, it is likely very much important for her health that she at least &lt;em&gt;pauses&lt;/em&gt; smoking while recovering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try selling this as a temporary medical &lt;em&gt;substitute&lt;/em&gt; which she can later, at her own responsibility, turn back into &quot;proper&quot; smoking again.  Try figuring out with the physicians what recovery period will be particularly damaged by smoking, and aim for making her accept substitutes for that &lt;em&gt;limited&lt;/em&gt; time period.  After that, she will be down to the usual smokers' process to killing herself rather than an expedited one.  The prospect of a limited time period might make her accept substitutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But of course not as long as she can make you give in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9326" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T09:28:29.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7187" CreationDate="2017-11-24T09:44:41.450" Score="16" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;When they are chatting with my co-workers and I need to ask the next detail to enter. Currently I wait for a pause in the conversation or try to catch the customers attention but this is not very successful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming that either the customer or your coworker has line of sight to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the customer does, make a gesture (raise your hand, look like you're in a hurry to ask a quick question). It works better if it looks spontaneous (&lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt; doing so when looking up, rather than standing and waiting for a while).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your coworker has line of sight to you, then they should redirect the customer. When the coworker is speaking, they can stop speaking, and look at you, which will redirect the customer's attention. If the customer is speaking, &lt;em&gt;let them finish&lt;/em&gt;. Your coworker should intentionally leave a gap of silence so that you can ask your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;When I have to ask for the customer's bank details. Whether I ask for their card, or for them to read it aloud, it feels like I am crossing some line.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest mentioning that the bank details are needed, rather than ask them for it. It's a minute difference, but stating that the details are needed &lt;em&gt;absolves your role&lt;/em&gt;, it negates the inference of crossing a line (on a personal level).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Subsequently, I would offer them to enter it themselves (in private). If you prefer this option to doing it yourself, you could e.g. ask if it's okay if you get a drink while they do so, and ask if they want something.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you're okay with entering their details, and they seem hesitant about doing it themselves, I'd simply change stance and offer the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The next step of the form requires your bank details. Would you like to enter those yourself?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;[If customer quickly agrees]&lt;/em&gt; I'll give you some privacy. [If it's customary:] Can I get you anything to drink?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;[If customer is hesitant]&lt;/em&gt; Or, if you want, I can enter them for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of situations like this can be handled by &lt;em&gt;quickly reading the customer's response&lt;/em&gt;, and if you notice hesitance, offering the best option that is opposite to your initial suggestion.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you can quickly spot their hesitance and offer them a viable alternative before they even had to say anything, then they will generally feel relieved that they didn't need to &quot;deny&quot; your initial suggestion. That creates goodwill between them and you, which makes the rest of the conversation safer, in terms of the customer getting offended by something you say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;You mention that your question is limited to people who are generally not tech-savvy enough to enter the details themselves. But I would suggest that you suggest them filling in the details themselves anyway.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;The goal is not to get them to do it, but rather to have them agree that they rather have you do it. If they agree to that, they can't get offended that you're asking their details.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;When I have to ask for a persons Age, Weight and Height. I know some people can find these questions personal and they are not easily understood to be connected to the device, although to sign up they must be entered.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's no intuitive reason for asking these details, lead with mentioning that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the explanation is simple, follow up with a short explanation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This may be a seem unexpected, but I need to enter your age, weight and height. This is because [simple reason].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the explanation is not simple, explicitly say that you're cutting a long story short, and explain how entering the wrong details could negatively affect them. I'm inventing an explanation for the sake of example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This may be a seem unexpected, but I need to enter your age, weight and height. To cut a long story short, these details help with tailoring the device to you. Otherwise it might feel uncomfortable when you wear it around your chest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you had skipped over the explanation, the customer could've inferred that you think they wouldn't understand it. But by cutting a long story short, you imply that you're &lt;em&gt;saving them some time&lt;/em&gt;, rather than not wasting your effort in explaining it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the same reason, it's good that you explain the &lt;em&gt;negative&lt;/em&gt; consequences of entering the wrong information. This implies that you're &lt;strong&gt;trying to prevent problems&lt;/strong&gt;, which is a good thing. As opposed to being nosy :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that neither option explicitly asks for the details, it only explains why it's necessary. The customer will either agree with you (and provide the details), or he will disagree with you (and in such a case, you avoided having directly asked something that offends them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also helps to clarify (non-verbally) that you're &lt;strong&gt;following the script&lt;/strong&gt;. If you look like you're following the form field by field (or, on the telephone, you sound like you're reading a premade sentence), then the other person is likely to infer that you're not personally offending them, and that you're only asking because it's necessary for the form.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;When I mishear them and have to ask for them to repeat (especially the personal details) over and over.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I struggle with this daily. My hearing isn't bad, but I do have issues parsing the sounds I hear. I often have to ask people to repeat themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There isn't really a one-size-fits-all solution here. Some customers are liable to get annoyed quickly, others will be understanding. Having worked on a call centre helpdesk, I can give you a few tips to make it the least awkward:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Repeat everything you understood, to show that you were listening.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Customer&lt;/strong&gt; Does the device have a &lt;em&gt;poeizpfnpfzneu&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. What feature do you want on the device?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a double whammy here. Firstly, it telegraphs that you are making an effort in understanding them, and that you were paying attention.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Secondly, because you already repeated part of their words back to them, they are likely to respond with &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; the word that you didn't understand, instead of repeating their entire sentence again. This makes it easier for you to understand that one word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Put the blame on yourself, but only the second time it happens.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first time it happens, simply ask for clarification. Anything can happen once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;second&lt;/em&gt; time, apologize for having to ask again. If there's a mitigating circumstance (loud environment, speaking a second language, auditory problems, ...), mention them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it happens again, revert to asking for clarification. No one likes to hear the same excuse over and over, it starts coming across as disingenuous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. If you can get away with it, ask them to spell it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, you're more likely to get away with it if it has multiple syllables (which you can generally make out even when you didn't catch the word).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It's not impossible that you end up asking to spell the most trivial of names, but that's a risk you take by playing it this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. (Sneaky) Ambiguous questions can elicit extra information.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a relatively well known trick, e.g. if you forget someone's first name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry, what was your name?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Customer&lt;/strong&gt; [slightly offended] ... Paul.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; Sorry, I mean your last name.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Customer&lt;/strong&gt; [no longer offended] Oh. Whitby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's sneaky, but it works. They give you the name, and simultaneously get mildly offended that you asked them that. So in response, you redirect the question to a disambiguated version, and pretend like you already knew the first answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everyone can pull this off, but it's relatively easy to do if you can play it cool and not stammer your way through it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T10:03:36.867" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T10:03:36.867" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7193" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-24T09:47:40.620" Score="41" ViewCount="30166" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 24 years old, have my own career, my own car but I live with my parents and my 2 younger brothers. I live my life quite independently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the problems I constantly face from my parents is them treating me like a child by constantly asking me where I'm going when I'm heading out. When I arrive home late sometimes they are ringing me to ask where I am and what time I am coming home. I don't feel like I'm being respected like an adult in the household.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have my own bedroom which is fine, we have a back door which I can come through but I still have to pass through the main lounge to get to my bedroom. There is no way I can secretly do anything in this house so that's out the equation. I do come home late sometimes, when I'm out with friends mostly but its very rare that I do. The problem is not about noise or lateness, I'm an adult now and they need to accept that. Sometimes I'm on my way to the gym and they ask me before I leave the house where I'm going, it gets really frustrating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It gets really embarrassing when I'm out with friends and I get calls from them, it puts me off pretty bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes me feel like I'm being treated as a child, so my question is: &lt;strong&gt;How can I ask my parents to stop constantly calling me when I'm out or asking me where I'm going before I go out?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to do this without getting too confrontational. We've had discussions about this in the past and they got pretty heated as I got really frustrated that they see things in such a narrow minded way. They said they only do it because they care, which I understand but I want them to change their treatment of me regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8542" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-21T11:21:09.743" LastActivityDate="2020-03-22T06:46:33.030" Title="How can I ask my parents to stop calling me when I'm out or ask me where I'm going?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7195" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7187" CreationDate="2017-11-24T10:02:17.670" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest to change the frame from &quot;you are behind your desk asking questions&quot; to &quot;we are filling this order form together.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turn your screen 90° so that both you and the customer can look at the display, move your seat if necessary, or theirs. Use the Zoom feature of your browser to make sure they can read what's on the screen, especially if the customer is of old age. You can ask &quot;is it readable?&quot; or something like that. You can install extentions like Stylist on your browser to change the look of the form (high contrast for example) if your customer has really bad eyesight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, ask questions and fill the form in front of them. Since they will see what you type on screen, this will give them something to focus their attention on, and should prevent them from starting a chat with your colleagues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also it feels more like you're working together, and they can monitor the progress of the operation. They should be less bored. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will also see all the fields in the form that need to be filled. For example they will see &quot;age&quot;, &quot;weight&quot;... This will provide a justification for you to ask these &quot;awkward&quot; questions: it's in the form, you are simply filling the form. If they follow what's going on on screen you might even not have to ask any questions at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes them an active participant in the process. Perception of space is also important: if the desk is between you, you and the customer are in separate &quot;spaces&quot;. However if you both sit at right angle instead of face to face, or you rotate your screen and lean a bit over your desk to point at things on screen, this &quot;frontier&quot; between you will matter a lot less. It should make the process less stressful and more friendly for them, and perhaps also for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, being able to see the next questions relieves the uncertainty a person may feel when wondering what you will ask next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likewise, if they can read what you type they will correct you if you make a mistake, no need for awkward lines like &quot;huh? can you spell your name again?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the awkwardness:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume that once the data is entered into the website form it will be recorded in a database, and you would be able to view it later. Thus it doesn't really matter if they fill the form at home, or in your office, or if you fill it for them. You (or someone from your company) will be able to view the data anyway. I hope this helps you feel less awkward about having to ask &quot;personal&quot; questions, since no matter how the data is entered, it will be in the database anyway...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When they are chatting with my co-workers &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend briefing your coworkers about &quot;please don't chat with the clients while I'm processing their order&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I have to ask for the customer's bank details. Whether I ask for their card, or for them to read it aloud&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask for their card, it will be faster if you read the numbers and type them. Also it is a bit more &quot;secure&quot; than the customer speaking the numbers aloud in the office. They know they are making a purchase, so it would be natural for you to ask &quot;may I have your credit card?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For more confidentiality, you can hand them the keyboard, or even purchase a USB keypad. Most PCs will work fine with a keyboard and a keypad plugged in. It looks a bit like a calculator, and your old customer with bad eyesight can hold it in their hand closer to their eyes. Entering the expiration date would be trouble if the website uses  combos though. So I'm not too fond of this solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I have to ask for a persons Age, Weight and Height. I know some people can find these questions personal and they are not easily understood to be connected to the device, although to sign up they must be entered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a medical context it would be acceptable. You can always explain this is for whatever your device does, perhaps it needs to be calibrated according to age and weight to be accurate. But if you turn your screen and they see there is an &quot;age&quot; and &quot;weight&quot; question, it should not be awkward at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T10:08:10.373" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T10:08:10.373" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7193" CreationDate="2017-11-24T10:22:03.030" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;While you live in their house, their rules apply. At age 24, living with your parents must either be your choice, or because you don't have a choice. Either way, you have to respect their house rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I know you haven't actually stated any 'rules', such as a time they expect you to be home - but let's consider that as an example. As a house owner myself I am responsible for securing the house at night. It doesn't matter that you have a key, or your own door, or whatever - they perhaps just want to know that the house is secured, everybody is in bed etc. They may not be able to sleep until everything is in order, and even if you think that is ridiculous there probably isn't anything you can do or say to change that. Asking when you are likely to be home - arriving back at &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; home - seems perfectly reasonable to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So unfortunately I feel the answer to this question is that they are not treating you like a child. They are just running their house the way they wish to, as is their right. From 0-18 (or whatever age is considered adult in your country) you have to respect your parents' house rules because you are a minor. After that age you still have to respect their house rules &lt;em&gt;if you are living in their house&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Living with parents will &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; be like living alone unless you had a completely self-contained living area with its own entrance, you paid fair rent, paid all your own bills including light and heat (or this was reflected in your rent), bought and cooked your own food, and never ever had your mum do your laundry. And even in these circumstances I think they'd still feel like they were doing you a favour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interpersonal skills do not only concern verbal exchanges; they are about relationships in general, and how we interpret the actions of others. I am not going to give you some suggested wording that you can use on your parents when I believe the real answer lies in how you view their behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T15:08:00.503" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T15:08:00.503" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7193" CreationDate="2017-11-24T10:31:07.453" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think your parents are treating you like a child, but as a resident in their house. My wife likes to know where I am going and if I am home for dinner as well, but she sure ain't my mom ;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, it helps to ask your parents about what the rules are and perhaps negotiate on them. Also, tell them it is important to you that you're feeling like an adult and how they can accommodate that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, my parents liked to know when I ate at home, so I let them know if I wasn't. If I unexpectedly wasn't I would let them know and apologise. But that was the exception to the rule. In exchange, she would never ask if I would be home for dinner. This way, I felt in control and they had the information they needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3585" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T10:49:49.797" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T10:49:49.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7193" CreationDate="2017-11-24T12:46:03.687" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, I'm a 26-year-old, and I'm also still living with my parents. These struggles are there, but they can be resolved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I moved back in after living on my own for 4 years, because after graduating university I had a parttime job lined up in my home-town, and no work in the city I studied at. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first weeks were hell. I had to completely readjust to living with 2 brothers and 'rules' again. One of the most annoying things was, indeed, the fact that my parents needed to know what I was doing, and started calling me when I was away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I resolved it by having a good conversation with my parents, in which I respectfully asked for more freedom, but also showed a willingness to understand their point of view. Which brings me to my first point of advice for you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've had discussions about this in the past and they got pretty heated as I got really frustrated that they see things in such a narrow minded way. They said they only do it because they care, which I understand but I want them to change their treatment of me regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's good that you can understand they only do it because they care. Keep that in mind, and please don't think of them as 'narrow-minded'. If you go into these discussions with that thought in mind, it will get confrontational very soon. Instead, be prepared to show them your understanding, and make your point of view more of a plea than a request. Offer them alternatives to them asking/calling you. Tell them what you can do, instead of asking them to not do stuff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told my parents something like this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand you care about where I'm at. I understand you'd like to know where I am if you don't know and I'm not home at my regular times. But, you know that I'm going to my friend on Monday evenings to help her with class. Is it really necessary to ask every time I go out? What if I promise to text you if things get significantly later than usual, so you don't have to worry?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, I showed them I can be pro-active about such things. I showed them I'm an adult now, that I am perfectly capable of keeping myself safe, and having my own responsibilities, even if these include something as 'useless' as letting my parents know where I'm at. If I'm going to help a friend with her homework, I text my parents when things get too fun and I'll be home later. If we go from her house to the bar for a drink, I text my parents that I'll be going somewhere. That way, they didn't have to call/text me to know my current location. And once my parents got used to my 'schedule', the requests got fewer and fewer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if you've always lived at home, your parents should know your 'schedule' already. You might try stating things like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm going to the gym, like I always do on Tuesdays, remember? If everything goes right, I'll be home at a certain time. If things change, and I decide to go somewhere else or start running significantly late, I'll text you, like we discussed. Bye!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you have discussed with your parents what they think of as a time-frame for 'significantly late'. Make sure to promise to let them know if something changes. Make sure to be pro-active, and to keep your promises. If you don't, they'll never see there's no need to call you, or ask you where you're going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the plans that aren't according to a schedule: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What also helped me tremendously was to let my parents know what I was planning on doing e.g. the next day. When we had dinner, we usually discussed our plans for the next day anyway. It's easy talking to state something like 'Oh, my friend messaged today, they're celebrating their birthday next week, I told them I would be there.' That way, you can state the 'I already mentioned this, remember?' when actually leaving.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's another thing here that strikes me: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I live with my parents and my 2 younger brothers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have 2 younger brothers. By telling my parents where I am at, and by letting them know if and when I'm running late, I'm also setting an example for my brothers. I'm showing them that it's okay for my parents to know where I'm at, that I don't have anything to hide. That I'm not doing stuff sneakily. That I'm taking responsibilities, and not expecting my parents to go running after me and my decisions. That I can be an adult as much as them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's sort of the basic premise you should have if you want to stop your parents from treating you like a child: &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; have to prove you're not a child anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T15:05:52.780" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T15:05:52.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7193" CreationDate="2017-11-24T15:17:49.880" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in almost the exact situation: I'm 24, living at home with my parents and my two siblings (however I’m the youngest, so perhaps I get away with a little bit more :P). First I think it’s good to think about why your parents do this. You say it’s because they think you’re still a child and need to be checked up on. But there’s plenty of other possible reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They’re worried about you &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They’re curious about you &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They’re just&#xA;being plain nosy!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It probably depends on the relationship you have with your family and the dynamic, but I’ll use mine as an example. My family are I are all pretty indoorsy and introverted, so it’s noticeable when someone is not at the dinner table. We get on well and are interested in each other, so it’s likely someone will ask, “Where’s so-and-so tonight?” (Sometimes this is purely to make conversation!) Specifically for my parents, they might be concerned that I’ve deviated from my normal patterns and worry about what might have happened to me. They’re your parents, so it’s normal that they’d worry a little bit about you. My mother &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; worries about us, but she’s aware that it’s somewhat irrational. It doesn’t make her feelings any less valid, though, so try to appreciate that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, there are loads of reasons why your parents might feel like contacting you when you’re not around. Since the reasons above (except the nosiness) are pretty reasonable, or at least understandable, I don’t consider it an invasion of privacy or feel like I’m being treated like a child. Also, I’m on good terms with my parents so I’m happy to do a little extra communicating to pre-empt that innocent curiosity turning into an annoying phonecall or text. What I’ve learned to do is mitigate being prompted as to where I’m going, when I’m coming home, etc. &lt;em&gt;by just telling them in advance.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Coming home&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I go out once a week on the same day so my parents know not to expect me until late on those days and don’t feel the need to contact me. I try to tell them about my plans in advance as much as possible, but sometimes plans change or I make plans on the spur of the moment. Occasionally I’ll decide to go to the cinema after work, so I’ll send a text:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Going to the cinema, won’t be home til 9&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, they aren’t going to call or text me asking where I am. Or if I get invited for drinks and don’t know how long I plan to stay out, I just say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Going out for drinks, might be home late!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn’t take much time, and sometimes I’ll forget, but it’s a good habit to get into anyway. Especially at night, your parents might simply be worried. Since it’s pretty easy for me to alleviate that natural parental worry, I just get in contact with them before they get in contact with me. Even if it goes unsaid, I know they always appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Going out&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think asking when you’re going when you’re on the way out the door isn’t necessarily because they’re treating you like a child. I would ask my sister or my partner the same thing (if I lived with them). It’s simple curiosity and interest in your life. What’s annoying is when they ask you while you’re rushing out the door. But all you have to say is, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’m off to the gym&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which takes very little time, honestly. If they try to engage you further, and haven’t already read your ‘in a rush’ body language, just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I’m in a rush!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is too annoying, again, just tell them in advance. If it’s the weekend, and I have plans in the afternoon, I’ll usually tell them in the morning when I see them. If I don’t run into them, sometimes I’ll seek them out just to tell them, if I feel like they’ll be wondering where I got to. It’s as simple as saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I’ll be going to the gym at 3 if you’re wondering where I am&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or just make it part of normal conversation if I run into them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ugh, have to go to the gym later, my arms are still killing me from&#xA;  last time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I’m on my way out of the door and I haven’t told them yet (and if I have time before I go), I’ll seek them out quickly and say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’m heading out to the gym now, see you later!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Optionally, you can add when you’ll expect to be home to avoid getting phonecalls later!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If it comes to it, confrontation …&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of the above is actually pretty basic protocol when sharing a living space with somebody, and it should make their texts and phonecalls redundant. If it doesn’t, you know there is something more going on: they might be being plain nosy or trying to control you.  At that point having a conversation is just unavoidable and that might lead to confrontation. Feelings are on the line here, and of course parents tend to struggle when their children become more independent and don't need them as much anymore. But at the end of the day, they should also want you to be happy, and their current behaviour is damaging the relationship you have with them. So ask them directly WHY they feel the need to contact you. Try to put yourself in their shoes and appreciate what they’re feeling, whether it’s worry or curiosity or even just a desire to be part of your life. Ask them to meet you halfway, and if there’s anything more YOU can do to make things easier for them. In return, will they agree to give you more space? Emphasise that you want to alleviate their worries, not that you’re trying to emancipate yourself from them, or that you don't appreciate their concerns. You’re all adults, so you should be able to reach a compromise. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2244" LastEditorUserId="2244" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T15:24:00.983" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T15:24:00.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7185" CreationDate="2017-11-24T15:41:05.867" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Always try for a peaceful solution first. Assume the best of them. Do they actually realise that they can be heard through the walls? They may be horrified to learn that you can hear them arguing and this might make them modify their behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Call round and speak to them. Be calm and reasonable. Also do this during daylight hours and when it is quiet - if you go round in the middle of an argument they will already be angry. Some noisy people are also drunk, you won't have a reasonable discussion with someone who is drunk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I'm sorry to have to bring this to your attention but recently there have been a few occasions where you have been quite noisy and this has disturbed my family. Did you know that we can hear raised voices (or music / whatever) quite easily through these walls?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have any safety concerns you could even briefly invite them into your home - seeing the layout of your adjoining property might help them visualise you on the other side of their walls and make them think twice about being noisy. For example, they may not realise your living / sleeping area is adjacent to the room where they listen to music / argue!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that is the interpersonal bit answered. If they &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; respond well to you raising this then seek advice from your local authority. They will probably ask you to keep a log of specific incidents with dates/times. Also, have you tried putting your own music on at a low level? This might mask some of their normal 'living' noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T15:41:05.867" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7154" CreationDate="2017-11-24T16:18:50.753" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this is pretty much a duplicate of every &quot;how do I get x person to stop bugging me about y&quot; question, of which there are many, so you might get some value from looking up other such questions and reading the answers there. (With the possible exception that your sister has an even stronger than usual motivation--although not necessarily even that.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The short version is that you strongly reward any positive behavior (in this case, any interactions you have with your sister where she is not asking you to bring her cigarettes) and ignore or remove yourself from any negative behavior. Your first instinct will probably be to argue with negative behavior, but this is counterproductive: it actively encourages your sister to keep doing the negative behavior, because she gets some response from it and believes (possibly correctly) that with time she will be able to change your response into the one she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The correct method goes like this: Behave as nicely with your sister as possible. Tell her how happy you are to see her, talk about her favorite topics, etc., bring her a nice card, anything that doesn't involve cigarettes. The first time she brings up the idea of you bringing her cigarettes, tell her that you're very sorry, but you can't even talk about bringing her cigarettes and if she continues to talk about it you will have to leave. When she continues to talk about it, you apologize quickly, say that you miss her and enjoyed talking to her, but you cannot talk about this topic, and then you leave immediately. (Do not let her try it a third time.) The next time you go see your sister (on your normal schedule), go back to the beginning and act as nicely as possible again. Don't bring up the previous visit at all, even in passing, just say that you miss her, hope she is getting better, etc., etc. When she again brings up cigarettes, repeat the same process. Don't let it drag out, just remind her as quickly as possible that you can't talk about that and that all she has to do to keep you in the room is talk about anything else... If she switches to another topic, good, go immediately back to being as nice as possible, but the second time she brings up the banned topic then leave politely but quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not going to say this is easy, but it's quite effective, and you also get the maximum positive time with your sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1974" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T16:18:50.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7185" CreationDate="2017-11-24T16:26:25.430" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;(Been there, done that)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, let's abandon the &quot;none-of-my-business&quot; mindset, if any: itself, the fact that you would like to let them know they are disturbing you to some extent can't come without you snooping into their business even if maybe minimally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that, if things between you and them are to escalate, they will only do if you directly tell them to &quot;shut up&quot; or to &quot;calm down&quot; or to &quot;quit it&quot;, etc. etc.; in my humble opinion and experience so far, statistically people do not like to receive &quot;orders&quot; although well-motivated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather, it might be a good idea to low-key offer help, something among the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey good morning. [smile] Is everything OK? I think I might have heard voices from your apartment last night, not sure if it was the TV, but I would like you to know that I'd like to help if I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;almost surely you can't help &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;almost surely they don't want you to help anyway&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but the &lt;em&gt;main&lt;/em&gt; point is that this way they're clearly receving a message from you that &lt;em&gt;their voices landed on your ears no matter how thick the walls are&lt;/em&gt; (and that they are being watched/monitored, should any actual violence take place); at this point, there are two alternate options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a. there's some politeness left in them and therefore they'll stop/hush down&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;b. they are just rude and/or self-centered people and therefore ignore you completely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case of option a., good job; in case of option b., I'm sorry but there's really no way to deal with rude people other than either ignoring them or deliberately escalating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2017-11-24T16:34:35.163" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T16:34:35.163" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7207" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-24T17:59:11.550" Score="31" ViewCount="13249" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently went over to a friend's home for the first time in a while.  The first thing I noticed walking in the door was the unmistakable smell of cat urine. By the end of the evening my eyes and throat were burning. (They have had these cats for years, this is the first time it's been a problem for me.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have announced an intention to start regular hosting of social events.  How can I tactfully suggest that they air the house out better beforehand?  As it is I would not feel comfortable bringing friends over there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note:  I created a new account to ask this question, for the obvious reasons.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Edited 2 months later to add:]&#xA;As I mentioned in an answer below, I raised the issue directly and my friends were already aware, and expressed gratefulness for my honesty.  A subsequent vet visit led to the longer-term solution: one of the aging cats has arthritis, and once she was given a litter box with lower sides started using it consistently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9341" LastEditorUserId="9341" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T11:40:08.110" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T11:40:08.110" Title="Best way to tell someone their house stinks?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;pets&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7207" CreationDate="2017-11-24T18:18:04.107" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like to approach this in the form of a question.  &amp;quot;Do you smell something?&amp;quot;  That way, if they're aware of it, they don't necessarily feel judged, and it opens the door to discuss it if they're not aware of it.  If they're not aware, slowly guide them toward awareness without being too rude.  And any time the conversation moves in a direction where you feel your statement would be rude, ask it as a question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The ideal case:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Do you smell something?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, yeah, sorry, my cat decided to protest the new litter this morning and we ran out of carpet shampoo&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The less-than-ideal case:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Do you smell something?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Uh, no, what does it smell like?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Cat pee, I think?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, uh.  I don't smell it, I think it must be something else.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Can you help me find it?  I think it's coming from this way.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately phrasing something as a question is a great way to take the edge off of a question, but it does make it easier to deflect if the other person is intent on deflection.  This seems like a start, though - and if deflection occurs then maybe being direct would become your best approach.  Even then, to keep the edge dulled, don't make statements of fact, but statements about yourself.  &amp;quot;I'm worried that people might have trouble with this smell,&amp;quot; instead of, &amp;quot;This house stinks and no one will want to be here.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T18:24:31.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7214" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7207" CreationDate="2017-11-24T19:18:57.780" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;The worst kind of outcome is everyone spending the evening silently retching, because they are too embarrassed to mention it, and you are too afraid to offend them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess you are too worried about being polite. Since you say the smell is new and not a typical feature of their place, it means it is new to them too, thus they will notice. Also it is quite difficult not to notice this particularly pungent smell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time this happened with one of my friends, I simply relied on my well-known tact:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(sniff the air) &quot;Whoa, where's the body? Need help chopping it up?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It turned out they had ran out of cat litter and been unable to buy some due to working overtime. They knew it stank, actually they were annoyed by the smell too. This may very well be the case for your friends, too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No-one was offended. In fact they were relieved that the awkward moment was over, and rushed to open the windows. Everyone agreed that being a bit cold was better than the smell. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T19:18:57.780" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7215" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7181" CreationDate="2017-11-24T20:51:05.043" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't say &quot;Yes&quot; if you don't mean it, that the most important thing here, probably. If you don't have a thing to say right away and you don't want to give a flat &quot;No&quot; for whatever reason, say that that you need to discuss this with others first, while you formulate the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in this case the answer is pretty easy: &quot;Sorry, mate it's a family only thing, you know how it is&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T20:51:05.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7193" CreationDate="2017-11-24T21:54:47.367" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here I will describe the &lt;em&gt;path of least resistance&lt;/em&gt; (assuming you do not have resistance).  It isn't what it feels like to a young adult.  It's something else entirely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, we need to stop by The Burrow for something: &lt;a href=&quot;http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Weasley_Clock&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Weasley family clock&lt;/a&gt;.  If  you read or saw Harry Potter, you may recall it has hands indicating where &lt;em&gt;every family member&lt;/em&gt; is. The hands turn to School, Work, Home, Lost,  Mortal Peril, etc.  &lt;strong&gt;Why does it exist?&lt;/strong&gt;  And why are the parents on it too?  It's to create a feeling of safety, and an ability to coordinate. If Ron's still at school, send him an owl to get &lt;em&gt;Potions Demystified&lt;/em&gt; from the school library for Ginny, who just discovered her text references it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents are not snooping.  Their questions are to create the seeds for any conversation like any of the following: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Oh, while you're at the store, please (you are expected to) pick up some eggs. Here's $5.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You might want to take the 405. Traffic is awful on the 710. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On the way back from the gym, how easy would it be to (only if able) pick up some eggs? Here's $5.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure you're back by 7, remember you invited your study group over.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You asked me to remind you to get some objectors for your Andrew.  &quot;Resistors for my Arduino, Mom.&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're seeing Jim? Could you give him back his jacket? It's washed and ready. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Oh! I forgot.  The dance class called, and said it's canceled - the instructor is sick.  Good thing I caught you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(yes, I realize that a few of these don't hold up so well in the smartphone era, but there are a million similar ones that do, so you get the idea.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are all productive signals that help everyone.  And the relevant thing is, they would not happen if they didn't know what you were doing. They're not going to chase after you going &quot;By any chance are you seeing Jim?&quot;  &quot;any chance you're going on the 710?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sort of thing is &lt;em&gt;so common&lt;/em&gt; that it has evolved into &lt;strong&gt;common courtesy&lt;/strong&gt; to ask and tell.  It's not courtesy because Emily Post said so... it's courtesy because &lt;em&gt;it works&lt;/em&gt;.  Life works better when you do it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And really, it works better for you too, like artfully dodging the 710 mess, or transferring blame to Mom when she forgets the jacket after you say &quot;I'm going to Jim's&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I started to say humans are not perfect information sharers or storers, but as I sit here, I cannot think of a more efficient way for those communications to occur.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is that what's bothering you?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find it grating, you might pause and ask yourself what is the underlying source of the irritation.  Don't just go for the cheap surface answers like &quot;it takes up my time&quot; -- go deeper.  For instance to stop feeling like a child... shake off the nest and blossom as an adult... not be trapped there by economics... not feel guilty that you're goofing off today instead of doing something &quot;productive&quot;.  For me, such questions are what made the &quot;where are you going&quot; question grating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that case, just be internally honest about that, and recognize your feelings are coming from that other stuff, not the question &lt;em&gt;per se&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you actually are doing something you feel they'd be judgey about, just tell them you're going to the strip club.  Or something equally improbable (for you) so they know you are joking, and hinting to them that you'd like to keep it your own business. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, as Freud says, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Maybe they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; being nosey. In which case give them the answer they need, not the answer they want.  &quot;To the mall, see you later.&quot;  They can chase after you if they need to say something important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T21:54:47.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7207" CreationDate="2017-11-24T23:01:16.727" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If, by best way, you mean charitable, then:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to tell someone their house stinks calls for discretion and formality. Considering how this is their house, the place where they live, any increase in the everyday odor that they smell will most likely go unnoticed if insignificant, or ignored if it is significant, but any guest will immediately notice a difference in scent simply because it is not their house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For any situation, discretion should always be used as this can be quite sensitive. You might, at some point during your visit, ask the host/hostess or owner of the house if you can speak with them for a moment in private. You may then proceed to &lt;em&gt;charitably&lt;/em&gt; explain to them that their house has an odor that is noticeably disturbing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but I wanted to let you know that there is an unusually strong odor that has been bothering my nose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is always charitable to at least let the owner or host of the house know such a thing for the sake of other's and their own. Anything that smells bad is usually not good. For example, if you smell mold, you wouldn't hesitate to get your roof or walls checked for mold. Cat feces and urine can be health issues, less so perhaps than mold, but nonetheless. The stronger scent may simply be because they moved the litter box next to the airways. That would be bad for &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the least of someone's house problems is the odor, it is a good thing to do to tell them privately that there is an odor problem so that the owner/host can do something about it for any future guest they may have, and for themselves. You may even save their lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9349" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T23:01:16.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7154" CreationDate="2017-11-24T23:49:19.430" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stop explaining and stop justifying your decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already said &quot;No&quot;. You've already explained your decision. And there is no amount of explanation that will change her mind. So stop getting baited into arguing with her. And stop taking her arguments too seriously.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say: &quot;No, I don't have to explain myself&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's in withdrawal and she's going to say some pretty nasty things to you. If she goes that route, just agree with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sure, I'm evil.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sure, I am a bad brother.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sure, I don't care about you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You're right.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Ok&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't control what she thinks of you. And the more you try to control what she thinks of you, the more she has control over you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't try to stop her from asking you. You can't control what she asks. Just don't give in on your own action (which is still under your own control). That's the only thing you need to do. But do let go on trying to control what she does or what she thinks. Because the more you try to tell her to stop asking you, the more she's going to ask you. Or the more distressed you appear by her repeated request, the more she's going to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that advice is not enough for you, read the book &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0553263900&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;When I Say No, I Feel Guilty&lt;/a&gt; by Manuel J. Smith. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That book is absolutely awesome, but if you have trouble reading it, begin with the transcripts at the end of the book and work your way back up to the beginning of the book. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2017-11-24T23:49:19.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7193" CreationDate="2017-11-25T02:13:12.053" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One way to forestall that problem is to let them in on your general plans and if those change call, email or text them with an update. For safety reasons when going on a hike you should have a trip plan and a contact, that idea can generalize to your everyday activities as well that will inform your parents and siblings and may aid you if things go wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be done using a fridge whiteboard where your family all lists their daily planned itineraries or by emailing the same to all as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Monday: work, then gym until 6pm with Steve, maybe drinks at X or movie at Y, home by 11pm&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get in a habit of being considerate and it doesn't need to diminish your privacy by that much at all. Make it a family practice and concern and worries of all of you will all be minimized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9353" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T09:45:06.520" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T09:45:06.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7225" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-25T04:47:46.880" Score="2" ViewCount="636" Body="&lt;p&gt;I currently have a conflict with a coworker (just call him &lt;em&gt;Bob&lt;/em&gt;).&#xA;Now he is challenging me to a fight. I am actually a violence free men: &lt;strong&gt;I think a fist fight is useless&lt;/strong&gt;. I tried to convince him that it is useless but he thinks that I am just scared to fight him (maybe I am, he is bigger than me after all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I currently have a girlfriend and I love her (she's not in our workplace). He knows that. Bob and I had no problem with each other at this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day, there is a new girl (just call her &lt;em&gt;Alice&lt;/em&gt;) working at my company. She is pretty but I don't have any feeling to her. I still love my girlfriend and will always be, but sometimes I tease &lt;em&gt;Alice&lt;/em&gt; just to play around and she know I am just kidding. It seems like &lt;em&gt;Bob&lt;/em&gt; didn't think so. He liked &lt;em&gt;Alice&lt;/em&gt; and he thought that I want to get her heart and dump my girlfriend after doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that it is a very stupid way to think. Because I never think that way. I and &lt;em&gt;Bob&lt;/em&gt; talked about this once; I explained that I just like talking and make somebody laugh including &lt;em&gt;Alice&lt;/em&gt;. Sometimes I do that by teasing her. After that talk, our (I and &lt;em&gt;Bob&lt;/em&gt;) relationship is better. But, after a while, I think he started to hate me again, seems like he thinks that what I said to him before is a lie and that I actually want to get &lt;em&gt;Alice&lt;/em&gt; and leave my girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, he wants to fight me because he thinks that I am a jerk. From my point of view, I just didn't want to have any conflict, if he thinks I am a jerk, than so be it. I don't care losing a friend, but if he wants to fight, I am thinking about my health, I am not a physically strong person. And a fight will make my daily life a mess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, &lt;strong&gt;how can I talk to him to prevent a fight?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional Information if that necessary.&#xA;I am a 25 years old man and my coworker is around 30. &lt;em&gt;Alice&lt;/em&gt; is around 24 (I don't know exactly I never try to remember).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9357" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-11-26T16:12:21.040" LastActivityDate="2017-11-26T16:12:21.040" Title="How to talk with my co-worker to prevent a fight?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;indonesia&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-25T20:17:30.253" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7226" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7225" CreationDate="2017-11-25T05:26:50.520" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience the prospect of a physical fight is just noise until it actually starts. Most adults have too much to lose to take the risk, and are usually too mature to let things go that far without being drunk.&lt;sup&gt;[citation needed]&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So chances are pretty good that this guy isn't going to actually fight you. If he was really going to, he probably would have done it already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, you could probably ease tensions by leaving him and this girl alone. He's likely upset that she seems to respond better to you than she does to him. If you leave them both alone till she makes it clear to him that she isn't interested, or he wins her heart, things will probably be just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until he gets over his anger, leave him alone. Don't try to make amends and definitely don't go out drinking with him. Remember what I said about drunk adults above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes a little bit of time and distance is all it takes to resolve these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-25T05:26:50.520" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7227" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-25T06:46:38.007" Score="6" ViewCount="3117" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend, let's call him &quot;Bill&quot;. He has been one of my closest friends for many years. He has been dating this girl, let's call her &quot;Natalie&quot; for almost a year now. Natalie is also a very close friend to me, due to the fact that A) I knew her long before they were dating, B) she's very close friends with &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; girlfriend, and C) I spend a lot of time with the two of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now I'm in a little bit of a weird situation. Natalie will frequently complain about Bill &lt;em&gt;publicly&lt;/em&gt; to other people, even in front of him. From really small minor things, &lt;em&gt;&quot;His new facial hair is horrible. I can't wait for him to shave&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, to larger things, like &lt;em&gt;&quot;The way our relationship started was really awkward because he was too dumb to just ask me out&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. At first, this was just minorly annoying, but it's starting to concern me a little bit because it's becoming a more common occurrence. To be clear, Bill has never complained about this to me, so I don't know what his feelings on it are. But I imagine that if I was in his shoes, I would feel very embarrassed and hurt. I'd expect my significant other to have my side, rather than publicly mocking me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to mention this to Natalie, and actually, recently &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; girlfriend has been asking for me advice because she wants to bring it up as well. But the thought of talking with her makes me (and my gf) extremely uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might feel hurt or resent us for correcting her. Not that she's a petty person, but because I'd imagine being chastised by your close friends would be rather difficult to take. Or maybe she'd feel like she's done a bad job of respecting Bill, or that she's &quot;a bad girlfriend&quot;, I don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the bigger reason I'm uncomfortable mentioning this to her is because I'm not sure if I'd be overstepping my bounds. I don't want to come across like I have it all figured out, and I'm going to step in and dish out the perfect advice to fix everything. Or that how they do their relationship is my business, or my problem to worry about. But they're both very close to me, and I want them to be happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leads to my question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Would it be out of line for me (or my gf) to bring up this issue with her? Is it really any of our business? And if it is something you'd recommend talking with her about,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What is the most tactful way for one of us to approach her? I really want to be careful to display an attitude of &quot;I want to help you, and I think this would be beneficial for you in the long run&quot; rather than &quot;You're screwing up and you need to get your crap together&quot;. And how could I bring it up without potentially hurting Natalie's feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I don't know if it's at all relevant to the question, but the 4 of us are all in our young 20's and we live in the USA.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9360" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-11-25T07:25:44.293" LastActivityDate="2017-11-25T11:07:29.307" Title="Is it appropriate for me to give relationship advice to my friend's girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-25T16:18:06.670" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7227" CreationDate="2017-11-25T07:43:00.947" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what I can tell from your story, it would be &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; appropriate for your girlfriend to do the talking on this. Everyone is different, of course, but it seems there will be less loyalties at stake if she handles it than if you do. Also, it's likely they may be able to relate to one another better in terms of finding some time to commiserate (yes, about you, too, but in a healthy way, not a demeaning way - everyone needs somebody to talk to while experiencing some relationship growing pains). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With respect to coming across as if you know everything, I wouldn't worry about it. Haven't you noticed that we all see all of our friends' relationship issues but can be absolutely blind to our own sometimes? I've told my female friends to whom I've given this and other types of advice to over the years that I'm fully aware what I'm saying is easier said than done and that I'd totally be better off if I ever gave myself the same type of advice (and followed it). Alas, I find myself asking for advice when in the midst of relationship strife and in need of opinions on how to proceed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, how either of you should bring this up to her will, of course, depend on the type of person she is, etc., but overall I would suggest questions. Not statements, which are too easily misread or misheard as criticisms and/or demands. This could take the form of asking, for example, &quot;Hey, you are just kidding about that, right?&quot; (in a situation where she had said something earlier and you are able to catch her ear for a moment sometime)... This should be perceived by her as you asking a question out of general concern for both of their well-being while also providing a polite notification to her that someone (you) took notice of the rhetoric and perhaps that will lead to her rethink the tone or the specific words she uses when - for all I know at this point - she is trying to make a joke or be light-hearted, but it has been coming out wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I'm also a huge fan of ripping off band-aids in order to save from further pain later. With that in mind, if merely mentioning a worrisome habit that affects both of your friends is enough to lead her to ... (yell at you? not be friends anymore? break up with him? etc?)... then, as much as I know this would be a messy situation, you are probably doing him a solid nonetheless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3640" LastActivityDate="2017-11-25T07:43:00.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7225" CreationDate="2017-11-25T07:53:24.390" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest answer is to stop talking to the NewGirl. I am not suggesting you allow some third party dictate your social interactions, but if you have your girlfriend, you are happy with your girlfriend, you have no interest in dating NewGirl, and you are worried about FightGuy pummeling you because he is bigger than you, it seems to me the best idea would be the next time NewGirl is around, have some discipline and be friendly at a level appropriate for a work environment and go on about your day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, that should calm FightGuy down, although he sounds a bit like an animal that doesn't really exemplify human-level thought processes, but that's another discussion... And second, because of human nature, your waning attention has decent odds of inciting some extra drive within her to talk to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A great revenge upon FightGuy would certainly be for him to see you actively not associating with NewGirl, yet NewGirl pursuing you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3640" LastActivityDate="2017-11-25T07:53:24.390" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7225" CreationDate="2017-11-25T11:24:32.853" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your new friend seems to have a peculiar world view, in which NewGirl is secretly in love with him... (so secretly in fact that she hasn't noticed it yet, but that doesn't seem to stop him). I wouldn't be surprised if he viewed himself as some kind of &quot;secret superhero&quot; or the misunderstood kind. No-one knows his true worth! He's an alpha male! Grraaaaawr! In his dreams, he's punching dragons, so he's challenging you to a fight. Seems legit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Breaking news: &quot;challenging to a fight&quot; is supreme idiocy. It's OK to challenge someone into any competition which does not result in going to jail, the hospital, or the morgue, but a fight does not satisfy any of these conditions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A way out of your predicament would be to tell NewGirl that this guy is interested in her. Maybe she's interested in him too! But if he has the kind of personality that you seem to describe, you wouldn't be doing her a service at all. In fact, she will dump him after a week, and then he will stalk her for a few years. Both will blame the resulting mess on you, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I would recommend talking to your manager and getting this guy either reprimanded or fired. Simple as that. Threats of physical violence against coworkers are unacceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-11-25T11:24:32.853" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7225" CreationDate="2017-11-25T14:19:43.777" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First stop talking to newgirl what if your girlfriend is talking some guy like you too and teasing her? you might get angry like your Menfriend. Second be loyal to your girlfriend talking like teasing another girl is like flirting if you want to talk to her talk as a coworker. third talk again to your menfriend that you dont like her and beside there not together to make him angry and talk to him one on one and say to him fighting will not make resolve anything and it will make him a person that is not educated&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9364" LastActivityDate="2017-11-25T14:19:43.777" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7193" CreationDate="2017-11-25T20:59:36.043" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It gets really embarrassing when I'm out with friends and I get calls from them, it puts me off pretty bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leverage the power of text messages. If necessary, purchase a smartphone for your parents, if they still have one of these old flip phones which make typing messages awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear you will not answer the phone, but you will answer texts. If this does not work, simply do not answer the phone and reply with a text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when your mom texts you and you're with your friends, you will simply pull the phone out and type a few words. They will not know it's your mom, you're answering a text, everyone does that. Thus, no more awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom will know that you're fine, she'll be happy. It takes less than thirty seconds, no need for flowery prose. &quot;Having dinner with friends, don't wait for me, coming home late&quot; is enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we apply cold hard logic, living with your parents saves you a TON of money in rent. Surely you can spend half a minute writing a text once in a while...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-11-25T20:59:36.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7240" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-26T00:28:58.997" Score="10" ViewCount="1159" Body="&lt;p&gt;10 months ago I was out of the country for a period of three months for work reasons. During this time, my partner cheated on me with one of his friends, who is also one of his colleagues. This person is part of my partner's extended friendship/colleague network, i.e. the friend/colleague of a number of my partner's friends/colleagues. My partner has not told any of these friends/colleagues, even those who he is closer to, about his affair. My partner's ex-lover knows that I know about the affair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am often invited to events related to my partner's work, or to social gatherings including this network of friends/colleagues. I have previously enjoyed these events and know his group of friends/colleagues well, but since my partner's affair I feel very anxious that I will be unable to deal with the presence of my partner's ex-lover. This is not just due to my generally feeling uncomfortable around this person, but also because I am not sure how to act naturally in front of the group of my partner's friends/colleagues in this context. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without running away from my partner's ex-lover all night, how do I handle this kind of event? Are there any techniques I can use to avoid/minimise interactions with my partner's ex-lover without making it obvious to his group of friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; Cultural context: England (I am not English so can get away with being more direct), liberal, academic crowd&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9375" LastEditorUserId="9375" LastEditDate="2017-11-26T09:36:25.947" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T19:57:40.723" Title="How to handle being at the same events as my partner's ex-lover?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7240" CreationDate="2017-11-26T04:39:14.013" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I kind of doubt you'll need to actively avoid your partner's former lover...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that they will be feeling awkward about the situation too, and likely feel at least a little guilty about it. So, chances are pretty good that they won't be looking to have any kind of extended conversation with you or your partner, and almost certainly don't want to draw attention to the past affair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably the easiest way to avoid extended contact is to be polite, but brief in your interactions with them. Don't be rude, but don't go out of your way to put them at ease either. Chances are pretty good that they'll be doing the same and after short awkward introductions you can both happily enjoy the rest of the people in attendance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-26T04:39:14.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7243" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7240" CreationDate="2017-11-26T12:28:18.957" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Without running away from my partner's ex-lover all night, how do I handle this kind of event?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are just some IPS tips, take or leave whatever works best for your situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Focus on yourself, your partner and your friends&lt;/strong&gt; as much as you can and avoid thinking too deeply about the ex-lover while you are at the party. Being aware of is fine but for obvious reasons if you catch yourself brewing over something about them, distract yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stay cool&lt;/strong&gt;. No matter what they say or do, try not to let it provoke you. Avoid arguments with the person, even about small unrelated matters as they can be used as a way to vent the deeper frustrations and will potentially blow up. Remain polite, you have the moral ground and there is nothing to be gained by trying to enforce this fact.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Say less&lt;/strong&gt;. If they ask you a question, you can cut them short with some excuse if you must, but if you can manage to say less in a way that is more thoughtful and quiet rather than curt, people will be less likely to notice and you come across as polite while still not needing to say much.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Try having pre-thought out responses&lt;/strong&gt;. Since this is clearly a fairly intense interaction for you, and you said you were worried about acting naturally, one very good idea is to think about what you could say that achieves the above goals so that when you are in the moment, you do not have to worry about losing your head and can merely repeat what you have practiced beforehand. On this note, its also a good idea to think up some reasons to excuse yourself from a conversation. I know you said you don't want to avoid them all night, but if you find yourself needing to get away its a good idea to have some exit strategies already in mind.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Have positive body language&lt;/strong&gt;. Standing up straight, smiling in a normal way and not crossing arms may help make these interactions go smoothly without others worrying what is wrong between you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Have fun&lt;/strong&gt;. It is what you are there to do after all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-11-26T12:28:18.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7245" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7272" CreationDate="2017-11-26T21:35:59.853" Score="12" ViewCount="2291" Body="&lt;p&gt;When visiting my mom, there will be some moment when she wants to take pictures of me, even if I don't want her to. If I tell her directly, she will just put some excuse and ignore my boundaries. If I hide, she will be amused and keep taking pictures until she successfully has my face on the photo. I feel each time like I am a trophy, and I feel she is being really rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do best to make her stop? In this case, it's ok if she gets angry or takes offence at me for a short period of time, as long as she starts respecting my boundaries, but it's better if she doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference, sometimes we meet in Germany, and sometimes in South Europe. My mom is german.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T20:52:23.877" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T13:02:16.970" Title="How assert my wish of not being photographed to my mom?" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7246" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-26T21:44:33.517" Score="3" ViewCount="337" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's say you have some friends that tend to ask you for things without giving an easy way out. For instance,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hey I'm coming to your house now and picking up your PS4.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pick me up for the concert when you are ready.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(At my house) Let's eat. What all do you have?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these kind of situations, saying no looks cheap. How do you handle this without confrontation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9393" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T02:47:52.250" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T08:43:01.670" Title="Handling questions that don't have an easy way to say no" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-27T08:41:31.887" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7246" CreationDate="2017-11-26T22:11:25.707" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;No easy way out? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey I'm coming to your house now and picking up your PS4.&quot;&#xA;No, you're not. The PS4 stays at my house. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Pick me up for the concert when you are ready.&quot; Why do you think I was going to pick you up? You could have told me a week ago, I had no idea you wanted to go to the concert. You're on your own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;(At my house) Let's eat. What all do you have?&quot; Sorry, mate, but the last time you were eating here you left a total mess and left me to clean up. You can eat somewhere else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's always an easy way out: Just say NO. It doesn't reduce the amount of confrontation to zero, but as close to zero as possible while getting your way. So what if your &quot;friend&quot; comes up with additional arguments that support their case, why they should get the PS4, be picked up, or eat at your home? You can say something like &quot;That is an excellent argument. The answer is NO&quot;. See, minimal confrontation. It's your decision to make. You don't have to listen to their arguments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-11-26T22:11:25.707" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7245" CreationDate="2017-11-26T22:58:14.683" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's immediately interesting to me that, although you have made clear that you don't like having your photograph taken, she does not respect your boundaries. It makes me wonder: what are her reasons for doing this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a conversation with her. Ask her if she has noticed that her photographing you makes you uncomfortable and explain why you feel this way as far as you are able.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mum, have you noticed how I always try to avoid photographs? Well, it's because [reasons].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may then try to explain why she wants to take photographs of you. If she does, do listen. If she doesn't, ask, listen and genuinely consider her feelings and how they relate to your own. If she invalidates your feelings by saying something like 'don't be silly' or 'don't make a fuss' or makes arbitrary excuses, emphasize that 'no, I really mean it - I feel really uncomfortable and I want to have a real heart-to-heart about this'. It can help to set a tone for this conversation by asking in earnest for her to explain her reasons and listening carefully, commenting in summary to indicate that you are also taking her point of view on board:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see that photographs of me are important to you because [reasons].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her reasons make you feel differently,* then suggest a compromise. For example, if you feel up to it, you could set a photo limit (e.g. you will pose for one group photograph). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you absolutely do not want to be photographed for whatever reason, this is absolutely fine and you should feel justified in asserting this. It would be helpful to reiterate that you have heard your mother's point-of-view, but draw the line in unambiguous terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that it's important to you that you have photographs of me because [reasons], but I really feel uncomfortable and I'm asking you to respect how I feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may also be worthwhile suggesting an alternative, or spontaneously providing one. For example, if your mother wants to have photographs of you so that she can show her friends how you're doing, suggest instead that she show them photos of where you live/study/work/do hobbies. Sending her some photos of these things now and then would be nice. Maybe she wants to have memories of you, in which case you could gift her something you've made (e.g. a scrapbook-style collage). One last catch-all suggestion is to send photos to her of something &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are nurturing (e.g. a pet, a plant, a collection). These alternatives might help her meet her emotional needs, hopefully lessening the burden being imposed on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example: As a teenager, I used to have a strong dislike of photographs because of how I felt about my looks. My mother would insist that I be photographed, which really made me feel uncomfortable. I told my mother that it made me uncomfortable, explaining that I felt ugly and did not want to be photographed. Of course, as a mother, she explained that it upset her to hear that I felt that way about myself. I think my making myself vulnerable encouraged her to reciprocate, and she explained that the reason she wanted to have these photographs was because she was terrified of losing her memory. We reached a compromise, where I agreed to be in group photographs only. It was a valuable conversation which was good for our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9375" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T13:17:47.410" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T13:17:47.410" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2017-11-26T23:01:26.997" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that since they were kids, America has become a very distorted place in terms of food. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Portion sizes have been creeping up for decades.  Theaters used to offer one size of popcorn: now the kid's size. &lt;strong&gt;McDonald's Big Breakfast is 1,350 calories&lt;/strong&gt; which is completely deranged.  McDonalds soda sizes were 8/12/16 oz, now the large is the small: 16/20/32.   Mind you, that's conservative for fast-food, most of their larges are 44oz. And free refills &quot;became a thing&quot; since your parents' age. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ate meals regularly with my father in medical rehab.  The science-based, doctor-supervised portions seem quaint.  They say &quot;Taco-Bell-run later.&quot;  Here now I sip a 16oz drink at a pizza place, and it seems parsimonious.   And that's the problem.  The culture has shifted to where &lt;strong&gt;super-size is expected&lt;/strong&gt;, and like the medical rehab, no restaurant dare serve a healthy portion, or the &lt;em&gt;customer perception&lt;/em&gt; will be that they are cheap and chintzy.  Some foodstuffs (e.g. fries) have very close to zero manufacturing cost, so businesswise it makes sense to load you up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Splitting a meal in a restaurant? You're crazy not to. It is literally unhealthy to fail to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I don't know.  The family's home-cooked portions seem small &lt;em&gt;the way you tell it&lt;/em&gt;, but your distress at having  to share a restaurant meal suggests you have the modern expectation of crazy-large portions.  And seconds on &lt;em&gt;dessert&lt;/em&gt; seems like an unusual expectation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here's how I'd sanity check myself.  Healthy caloric intakes are a matter of science, typically 1500-2000 calories a day, less for seniors.  So 500-ish calories per meal.  Google the menus of the restaurants they wanted to split dishes at.... Don't forget drink and dessert.  Would splitting have yielded 500-ish calories?  I bet more than that.  Next time you eat there, sneak peeks at the packaging and figure out the calories per serving for the entire dinner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more sanity check: are they wasting away? No?   Do you have a lifestyle which is &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; more active than them? Would anything explain a significant difference in need for calories?  I for one lived the supersize lifestyle, but I also had gastric problems - my body jettisoned the excess food.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another factor is how they size meals relative to each other.  One American tradition is a light breakfast and an enormous dinner, that being the signature meal of the day.  Nutritionists tell us that's wrong, and breakfast should be the big meal, because late eating just goes to fat.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the numbers show they are doing medically normal sized meals, then I would suggest you pay close attention to the nature of this &quot;distortion of perceptions&quot; in this country, and rethink your own mindset in that light. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that's a bold suggestion, since food beliefs are held so personally.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise you are in a pickle: it is difficult to talk about their medical issues since they're not &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; parents.  You also don't know how they are eating alone. It's possible they are doing something dumb like making the same amount of food for company as for themselves, but again - &lt;strong&gt;no way to raise this without committing a huge social gaffe&lt;/strong&gt; that would get you &lt;em&gt;rightly&lt;/em&gt; not invited back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simple fact is, they do not owe you a large meal, the end.  The social answer is &quot;Taco Bell run&quot;.  Not to their faces :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T18:28:55.160" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T18:28:55.160" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7246" CreationDate="2017-11-26T23:10:17.953" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;One simple solution that can apply to a variety of similiar cases is to follow this formula:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that you want to [x], but [y]. I suggest [z].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that you really want to pick up my PS4, but I can't right now. We can try another time, does tomorrow evening work for you instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have indicated that it is important to you that things don't sound too confrontational. Showing that you hear your friend's concerns and being the first to suggest a compromise is a good way to make things feel less confrontational and to reach a mutually satisfactory resolution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, it is good to remember that you can always say no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9375" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T08:40:11.533" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T08:40:11.533" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1656" CreationDate="2017-11-27T00:02:48.817" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't comment on Polish culture so I'll defer to the experts on that area.  Personally, as a person experienced with German and US culture, I don't see an issue with it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to answer your question: how do you feel about this?  Do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; think it's rude?  The fact that you ask the question makes me think you don't find it rude but are unsure.  To me, the important thing is to see someone you want to see and the location is unimportant.  Enjoy having a beer together, enjoy each other's company, and have fun.  If you invite them over a couple times and they always say &quot;let's meet at my place&quot;, then I'd explore further why they don't want to come over.  Keep in mind that the reason might be somewhat embarrassing to one of you, though.  (ie they don't drive much, they have restricted driving rights, your place smells funny...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T00:02:48.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7252" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7253" CreationDate="2017-11-27T00:10:23.503" Score="6" ViewCount="1477" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this French teacher and, during one lesson, I corrected her and I was wrong. Then I was arrogant and incorrect and she became angry at me. She ended her rant by saying that I should phrase it more politely (e.g. '&lt;em&gt;I think there's a mistake&lt;/em&gt;' -&gt; '&lt;em&gt;Why is it?&lt;/em&gt;' Or '&lt;em&gt;What about?&lt;/em&gt;').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later, we were doing &quot;&lt;strong&gt;être&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; perfect tense verbs (Mrs Vandertramp&lt;sup&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://frenchcrazy.com/2012/06/dr-mrs-vandertramp.html/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;) and she excluded (rester). Someone said '&lt;em&gt;What about &lt;strong&gt;rester&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/em&gt;' and she said yes and corrected it on the board. I then put my hand up and said '&lt;em&gt;What about &lt;strong&gt;passer&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/em&gt;'; she said '&lt;em&gt;I haven't heard of that&lt;/em&gt;'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then said I saw it on a website and she shouted angrily '&lt;em&gt;Are you correcting me again?&lt;/em&gt;', went on again about how she had a French GCSE and she lived in France for a year and then ended with '&lt;em&gt;You can trust your website if you want.&lt;/em&gt;'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I've looked it up and checked with my dad and they both agree it's to do with a direct/indirect object. I want to clear this up because there is a part of me that always wants to be right and I was (to an extent). It's difficult to diffuse the situation after what happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I show her that I had learnt from the first time and as a result asked more politely this time and keep her open-minded?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user329" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T09:12:20.437" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T10:57:52.967" Title="How can I deal with a teacher who became stubborn because I previously was incorrect and arrogant?" Tags="&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-27T11:49:43.550" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7253" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7252" CreationDate="2017-11-27T01:35:35.857" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;there is a part of me that always wants to be right&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say to just let it go. Even if you do prove to her that you were correct, she won't think positively of you for it. There is really no benefit for being seen as having been correct in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to show her that I had learnt from the first time and as a result asked more politely this time&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She doesn't agree with you on this point. Just be more polite from here on out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I also want her to keep an open mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That isn't really something you can demand of someone, especially of someone in a position of authority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will soon (relatively soon anyway) no longer be in this class and this person will no longer be a part of your life. There is no point in pursuing this battle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T05:48:50.053" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T05:48:50.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2017-11-27T02:03:34.927" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask how to politely ask for seconds, that's not a question that can be answered by anyone but the person you are talking to.  Do they consider your asking an imposition, or do they see it as a sign of appreciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the best way to discover whether they would consider it impolite is to &lt;strong&gt;ask&lt;/strong&gt; if they would consider it impolite.  Make it a hypothetical, talk about the diffrences customs people have -- is a burp an insult or is it praise or just something that happens because you have acid reflex?  Is it insulting to have a clean plate (finish all food) or insulting to leave food on the plate?  Does the guest take the dishes to the kitchen (or even do the dishes) or are they left for the host?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are eating at someone else's house, &lt;strong&gt;inquiring about their meal customs is polite&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="470" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T02:03:34.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7255" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7246" CreationDate="2017-11-27T02:12:24.487" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By being a pop-culture reference, it lightens the message.   Other than being dated, this particular one is fantastic because it applies to a frivolous and somewhat unreasonable request and is a reasonable hard-no. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the chuckle, if needed you explain why it doesn't work for you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to work out whether his request is unreasonable or your resistance is.   Not with him.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is just inherently unreasonable, on an ongoing basis, he may be using you. Distance from him.  There are plenty of friends in the sea.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T08:43:01.670" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T08:43:01.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7252" CreationDate="2017-11-27T02:44:52.030" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, someone in a position of authority usually goes to &quot;defend mode&quot; when you attempt to correct them. Telling them that &quot;It's wrong&quot; or &quot;There must be a mistake&quot; is a big &lt;strong&gt;NO-NO!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By telling them that they are wrong, you will be viewed as attempting to undermine their authority and position yourself above them. This is especially true when you do this in public, and especially in front of their subordinates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A solution to this is to phrase your correction to a genuine question. Let them answer, and you'll gain insight of how open they are to corrections. Drop the question as soon as you notice that they won't likely be open to correction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've done right by asking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What about passer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but the your past interaction might have affected how she respond to your question. As soon as you heard&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I haven't heard about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you should've tried to drop the question &lt;em&gt;completely&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an alternative I frequently use to drop the question, but subtly hint that I have my source:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I think I've read that somewhere before, but seems I remembered it wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you can fix your relationship with your teacher. All of us need correction and reminder every time, but let's be careful with how we phrase our correction, because people rarely want to be proven that they are wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T02:44:52.030" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7246" CreationDate="2017-11-27T03:33:35.310" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Without giving an easy way out.&lt;/em&gt; That's your brain tricking you. Actually you can say no. &lt;strong&gt;Stop feeling guilty if you need to say no.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm still learning at this, too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should worry less about looking cheap and more about your boundaries. A good friend need to accept boundaries and not be offended by them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start your refusal with &quot;sorry&quot; and you're fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I can't let you do that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Sorry, I can't do that for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they asking for the reason, just answer honestly. However, if you don't want to give reason:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I just rather not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And they should respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a joke: the real answer to the question &quot;How to handle that without confrontation&quot; is &lt;em&gt;by giving in to their request.&lt;/em&gt; I'm sure you don't want to do that, so learn to be assertive in your refusal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="49" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T03:33:35.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7258" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7260" CreationDate="2017-11-27T07:08:21.990" Score="90" ViewCount="32057" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a Canadian woman and I will be attending a wedding in India in January. There will be Indian and Canadian people in attendance. I was wondering if it is rude (or expected) to wear a sari to the wedding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two disrespectful situations I am looking to avoid are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Wearing western clothes and giving off the impression I am &quot;too good&quot; for a sari or,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Wearing a sari and giving off the impression I am just playing dress-up with another country's culture and traditions. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was invited through my sister-in-law (friend of the bride) so I do not have the ability to contact the bride directly, and whenever I ask my family, I get a shrug or noncommittal answer in return. Any help would be appreciated! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE: I did choose to wear a sari for a portion of the wedding (actually, all of the Canadians did) and it was very well received. Thanks to everyone for your help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1826" LastEditorUserId="1826" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T23:11:18.603" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T23:11:18.603" Title="Is it rude to wear a sari as a westerner to a wedding in India?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7258" CreationDate="2017-11-27T07:26:24.610" Score="82" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was wondering if it is rude (or expected) to wear a sari to the wedding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being from India, I'd say there is no such thing that only Indian women must wear a sari. You can always wear it if you feel comfortable. Also, it is not compulsory for every girl to wear a sari. I attended a wedding once where two or three foreign girls were wearing sari (I guess they were friends) and it was all fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in my opinion, it mostly depends on the people who'll be attending the wedding. You might get attention of like everyone if you're the only one wearing it or you might not. If you want to avoid unusual attention, you might wanna skip it. If there are a couple more Canadian people wearing the sari, you can try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest to avoid it and wear the dress you like and deem fit the best according to the occasion (just keep it modest).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T10:30:14.187" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T10:30:14.187" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7252" CreationDate="2017-11-27T08:54:15.593" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was a teacher for a while so I can see the point of view of your teacher. Personally I would not have acted as she did but I can understand why someone would. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After your 'rude' approach of correcting her your teacher clearly has you marked in her head as 'one of those students'. Any further correction of yours will be perceived as an attack on her or an interruption of the class, and not as a valid input to the topic. It does not matter if you are correct or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After your next French class, you should go to her and first of all &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;apologize&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; for the interruptions of her class and that you did not mean to undermine neither her authority nor her knowledge of the french language in any way. Explain that you are genuinely interested in learning the language and that you merely were trying to find out if something you learned on the internet is true (&quot;passer&quot;).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will hopefully realize that she misunderstood your intentions and see that you are actually one of the good students who takes her class seriously. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;This changes everything!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her how you can improve your question in french, so that it doesn't come across as rude. The next time you have a similar question you are now able to ask it in a formal way that will not offend her since you can phrase it politely. She will also remember your 1-on-1 talk and see it as a constructive input to the topic, therefore answering it normally without going into defense-mode. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: I think you were both right and wrong about 'passer'. There are different meanings of the verb passer, some of them conjugate to &lt;code&gt;je suis passé ..&lt;/code&gt; and others to &lt;code&gt;j'ai passé ..&lt;/code&gt;. This does not affect my answer though :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T10:57:52.967" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T10:57:52.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7263" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7252" CreationDate="2017-11-27T09:26:47.330" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;After your next class, ask Her anything (related to the class), any human feels happy when giving something to another, actualy they feel &lt;em&gt;superior&lt;/em&gt;.&#xA;Making Her think that She knows things that You don't would restore Her authority on You, and re-establish the correct relationship order (sorry if badly phrased).&#xA;In French this is called &quot;caresser dans le sens du poil...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9399" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T09:32:04.310" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T09:32:04.310" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7264" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7258" CreationDate="2017-11-27T10:01:33.847" Score="64" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me tell you a story that happened at my friend's wedding (say John) a few months ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John's an Indian who works in Sweden. The wedding was in India and John had invited a few of his Swedish friends to his wedding. Indian weddings typically last from a day to about a week. John's wedding spanned 5 days. There are various functions/ceremonies like Mehendi,Sangeet etc. All these functions are normally adorned by people wearing traditional Indian attire. Note that it is not compuslory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, John's Swedish friends had asked him what attire they would need to wear. John bought all his friends sarees, lehengas and sherwanis. They wore it to the ceremonies and looked absolutely beautiful. The people here generally embrace people who embrace our traditions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming to your question :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wearing western clothes and giving off the impression I am &quot;too good&quot; for a sari&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NO! People will understand that you are from a different culture and that you might not be wearing traditional clothing as you would feel uncomfortable! There were Indians wearing western attire at John's wedding!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wearing a sari and giving off the impression I am just playing dress-up with another country's culture and traditions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People would embrace you for embracing our culture!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's anyone who thinks it's rude, then they're the one who needs to change, not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say, definitely wear a sari! You might never get the chance to try one on in future!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8507" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T21:08:48.947" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T21:08:48.947" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7265" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7269" CreationDate="2017-11-27T10:19:06.870" Score="21" ViewCount="6106" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and colleague X communicate in English, but we're both non-native English speakers from very different countries. X's English is not very great and we sometimes have trouble understanding each other. My company uses Slack and Skype to send messages between coworkers and we all have a phone on our desk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have certain deliverables to give to Person X and there's a clear time frame I always stay in. Sometimes X has questions about my deliverables and he can ask them to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using Slack or Skype is encouraged because with meetings, other deadlines etc we are not always able to immediately pick up the phone. However, X expects me to respond directly and will keep pinging me for several minutes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though I have my &lt;strong&gt;status set to offline or busy&lt;/strong&gt; because of a meeting, this is what the conversation will look like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hello!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have a question about A.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Jane? I have a question about A.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What does B on A mean?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Jane?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you have a minute?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I need to ask a question to you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you have a minute so I can come by?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All these messages will be sent within about 10-15 minutes, after which X will show up at my desk when either I'm too busy/in a conversation or not even at my desk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already tried to say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you need me, call me, if I don't answer I'm unavailable to help&#xA;  you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He does it a little less aggressive now but he keeps spamming and pinging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T08:10:28.683" Title="Best way to tell colleague that chat is not a channel for direct response?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7266" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7285" CreationDate="2017-11-27T10:23:11.960" Score="42" ViewCount="21835" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently quit my job, after a three months notice, and I've changed my region of residence (it's like moving to another state in the USA, but the regions are smaller).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last day, when everyone was saying goodbye all along the day, one of them (I thought we were close, but we stopped talking 9-12 months earlier, even though working in the same Open Space) proposed me to stay in touch (like some of my other co-workers did).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have any interest in maintaining this relationship. Nine to twelve months ago I discovered that it was a toxic &quot;friendship&quot; (she was manipulative with me and it was a one-way/asymmetric friendship). I would try to talk to her to fix it, she just laughed and accused me of being a child; she seemed angry/annoyed. We didn't talked since then. She was generally warm and nice in public but in private, either she was charming, authoritative or pushing on my weaknesses when she wanted something; or she was just judging or depreciating when I was opening up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a bunch of compliments, she gave me her e-mail address, telling me to use it, to which I answered: &quot;I won't use it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thereafter, I think that it was a bit harsh (passive-aggressive). Was/&lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; there a softer (and not too long) way to turn her proposal down?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4531" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T15:43:08.550" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T15:43:08.550" Title="How to turn down 'stay in touch' proposal from manipulative ex-coworker when leaving job/moving?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-27T10:30:55.590" Score="159" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is very rude to bluntly say you won't use her email address. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion you shouldn't turn her down at all. Take the email, thank her and just don't use it if you don't want to use it. In this case it was a very concrete gesture with her handing an address but usually these kind of things are just said as a gesture of goodwill and friendliness. And even taking the email doesn't mean you are forced to email her. You now just have her contact details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you turn this down you basically say 'I don't like you enough to talk to you'. Which is very rude. You don't simply tell people you don't like them. It's not an agreement or a promise, it's just small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a 'smile and wave' kind of situation. Smile, say thanks and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T10:30:55.590" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7258" CreationDate="2017-11-27T10:42:01.347" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Indian here. It all depends on you! You can wear absolutely anything you want. If you want to wear a sari, please go ahead. People will understand and don't worry. However, as someone suggested, refrain from black or white sarees. Normally for a wedding, Silk sarees (Kanchivaram, Mysore silk saris, Paithan, etc) are worn but these are expensive (can cost as high as $10K). These sarees should never be washed, so be careful not to get it dirty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you only want to wear it once, go for some cheaper versions (tonnes available). If you are feeling uncomfortable (most certainly) wearing a sari, don't bother and wear a western dress; it's totally okay and many Indians wear a western dress in weddings. Good Luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9401" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T10:55:45.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T10:55:45.197" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7269" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7265" CreationDate="2017-11-27T11:11:21.370" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, I'm guessing from your comments you have no idea why your co-worker is showing this behavior. This means you might want to ask them, to get a conversation about the behavior going. &lt;em&gt;Not in a confrontational way though!&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Include in your 'conversation starter': &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One or two examples of his behavior, and how this bothers &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. Describe the behaviour factually and make it about you, not their behavior (e.g. that X is distracting you by hovering around your desk meeting, or how it's very counterproductive to leave 10 messages all stating the same since you have to read/listen to all of them before you can go and help him and maybe others). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A request as to why X thinks it necessary to do so anyway.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A promise that things will go better/smoother if they just call once and maybe leave a chat message so they won't forget what exactly the problem was. Also you might include that a promise that it will only take one message for you to go and help him as soon as possible, but only if you can keep that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can think of many reasons why a co-worker would do this, maybe it's a habit formed over the years, maybe he once worked with somebody that didn't take chat/calls serious and he feels he needs to make sure you understand the seriousness of the business, maybe he's just a little awkward... etcetera. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find out why he is doing it. The most common problem with all of the above boils down to 'it's a habit', so I'll be working from that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He does it a little less aggressive now but he keeps spamming and pinging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm seeing a positive sign here. This may mean that his behavior is most likely just a habit/coming from ignorance, but he is willing to try to break it after you asked them the first time. Now they might just need a reminder now and again. (Mind you, this is my interpretation of the situation, you'll only know once you've asked). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had to be patient with several people because of this. My parents had a habit of texting me for important stuff and expecting an immediate reply, and calling repeatedly for not so important stuff and when I called back they said 'Oh, it's no longer necessary'. I asked them why, and they confirmed in their case it was ignorance and not understanding that I'm not always able to reply and that a call has a higher priority than a text message. I explained to them that calling is for emergencies, texting for those things that can wait. &lt;strong&gt;But I've had to remind them a lot.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the 'best' way to get your co-worker to stop might, in this case, be to sound like a broken record. If he hovers near your desk, remind him that he's distracting you, and then ask him to go so you can focus on the business at hand and be with him sooner. If he sends you a lot of messages, remind him that you had to work through all of them before you could come over and that they weren't necessary because you're here now and you will also come when there's only one message. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, with more repetition, your co-worker will keep improving. You might want to add in the occasional compliment when he's doing 'good', or use that to sandwich your feedback when he's not doing so good:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, remember, last week you did well and it worked fine for the both of us. No need to send me 20 messages now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But apart from complaining to HR or a manager about this co-workers behaviour, this is about the best you can do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T11:20:23.240" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T11:20:23.240" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7265" CreationDate="2017-11-27T11:31:03.793" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;People (especially co-workers) who behave like that are just willing to do more. They just don't want to stop working, and don't want to waste time waiting for an answer. They're on their way, and nothing/nobody must slow them down. +1, on one side. -1, on the other side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, and that how I handled them, it's important to show them the side of the coin they haven't looked at yet: &lt;strong&gt;yours&lt;/strong&gt;. Too much &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;harassment&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; and the reverse occurs...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anytime I had to deal with this &lt;em&gt;kind-of help-vampire&lt;/em&gt; (they're not really one, but close, in the way it's annoying on a long-term and daily basis), I would tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know, when I don't answer, it's because I'm busy: meeting, own work... When I'll get a chance, I'll go back to you ASAP. &lt;strong&gt;BUT&lt;/strong&gt;, when you keep sending messages like that, they end up at the bottom of the message thread. And it's all messed up, and unclear, we miss a lot of important stuff. &lt;strong&gt;YOU AND ME&lt;/strong&gt; are then wasting time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that you want to keep on track and work hard, but I'm not always available. When this happens, switch tasks. Work on B, and wait for my answer so you can go back to A &lt;sup&gt;(1)&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you send too many messages, the most important ones will be lost. And I'm sure you don't want that. Do you mind trying and send &lt;em&gt;only one&lt;/em&gt; request to me ? Sending multiple ones, or reminders, will only lead to both of us wasting time and energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, a little reminder once in a while will help. Usually, it takes time, as they have to change their behaviour. But don't quit. &lt;strong&gt;You work with them, NOT for them&lt;/strong&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(1) is a way to deflect, and help them focus on a task. This way, they don't feel like &lt;em&gt;unuseful&lt;/em&gt; or wasting time.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T08:10:28.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7245" CreationDate="2017-11-27T11:46:30.390" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in a similar situation with my mom. She always took pictures when I wasn't looking. She even took out her phone in the middle of a casual conversation we had. I always ended up on a photo when I was talking or eating something. This resulted in a ton of unflattering photographs of me with my mouth open or with a weird facial expression. I really love my mother but it was annoying nonetheless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can relate to her though. I had moved out of the house and she wanted memories. She always said she doesn't have that much nice pictures of me and my brother. I suspect the same goes for your mother since you said you live in different countries (please correct me if I'm wrong)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My solution and tip for you&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I did was the following (and @fhng also touched on this). I told her I was not happy with this and explained it made me uncomfortable. Then I proposed a deal. She would stop taking unannounced photo's and me and my brother would do a photo shoot for her birthday. A friend is a photographer and we spend an afternoon taking high-quality pictures. We printed the nicest one on canvas and gave the rest on a flash drive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6607" LastEditorUserId="6607" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T11:51:15.230" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T11:51:15.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7273" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-27T11:52:12.593" Score="45" ViewCount="28208" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that has been happening lately is that people will tell me something that I already know. Naturally, I respond saying something like, &quot;oh I heard/read about that&quot;. However, I feel like when I say that, I come off a bit snobby or like I am a know-it-all. And I also feel like their body language confirms that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would prefer to keep the conversation going, by keeping it on-topic or switching topic. I would, however, also like to convey that I already know what these people are telling me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I treat that situation? Should I pretend that I was unaware of whatever they're telling me, or is it just the &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; that I say it that is the problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9405" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T12:03:30.160" LastActivityDate="2021-01-21T04:46:00.270" Title="What do you do if someone is telling you something you already know about, such as a fact or something that happened?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7273" CreationDate="2017-11-27T12:02:14.433" Score="39" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should I treat that situation? Should I pretend that I was&#xA;  unaware of whatever they're telling me, or is it just the way that I&#xA;  say it that is the problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feigning unawareness is likely to come across equally as terse. I suggest that it is a better option to simply show some interest and engage in the conversation. Use a question to drive the interaction after your acknowledgement as to seem like a softer response. That being said, it does depend on the direction you want that interaction to go in though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, you could respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh yeah, I heard about that; I thought it was interesting what did you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're showing interest and eliciting a response rather than ending your interaction with a 'hard-stop' as it were. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That assumes you wish to carry on a conversation about the given topic. There will likely be situations where you do not want to discuss the topic in detail for whatever reason. In those situations deflect with a less specific question at the end of your acknowledgement such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think I read about that in/on &lt;strong&gt;[Insert media type]&lt;/strong&gt;, is that where you saw it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then simply end the conversation after that. The idea being that your response doesn't seem, at least initially, as though it's designed to end the conversation before it's started. This can on occasion come across as abrasive when someone else is putting effort in to talk about something they found interesting etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8451" LastEditorUserId="8451" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T17:01:26.990" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T17:01:26.990" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7275" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7277" CreationDate="2017-11-27T12:31:16.267" Score="7" ViewCount="2187" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last weekend, I took the last train home. It was small (only one wagon), some people were drunk, which was okay, as they kept to themselves. I started listening to an audiobook and drifted off to sleep, only waking up when the train stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the last station before I had to get off a man took a seat across the aisle. I could see him talking to some security guards, which I thought was about his documents/passport getting checked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My headphones broke down, and I realized that the man was playing music from his phone speakers- it was louder than necessary, and the quality was pretty bad. I asked him to use the headphones he brought, but he refused, claiming he wore them all day at work (it was a Saturday, hence I doubt he was working). He turned it down a bit, so I took a book out and started reading. Later, he turned it up again, and I approached him more rudely- which resulted in him insulting me in incredibly personal ways (how I probably never had fun in my life, why I was commuting to a city at night if not to party, guessing how many times I fell on my head during childhood, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I halfway managed to fix my headphones by then, so I didn't hear most of it (only the bass of his music and some insults), and decided it wasn't worth the hassle and left, which was annoying, as I didn't find another good place and it felt like letting him win. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the other train passengers, almost exclusively Germans (according to their accents) and sleeping/quietly talking) told him off once, but none of them were sitting as close as I was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt the train conductor could have done anything else than kick him off the train. What could I have done that would have improved the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cultural context is Western Europe/Germany. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9408" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T12:33:16.017" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T00:22:45.040" Title="How to approach incredibly rude persons on a train" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7276" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7273" CreationDate="2017-11-27T12:36:17.850" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;or is it just the way that I say it that is the problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Probably it is the way you say/said that.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it's rude for you to say that as long as you show that&#xA;you actually heard/read about, otherwise it will only appear that you are not interested in further conversation and just want cut it off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you are not obligated to continue any unwanted conversation neither pretend to be interested if you are not, but since you are worried about coming off as snobby that could work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretending you are unaware can come off more awkward for you both than it would be if you just tell that you heard/read about X depending on your reactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7886" LastEditorUserId="7886" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T12:41:29.267" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T12:41:29.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7277" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7275" CreationDate="2017-11-27T12:42:35.637" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming that there is no legal high ground that can be claimed here then I'm afraid to say that you'd probably best avoid any confrontation. If you are prepared to confront him and deal with whatever fallout might happen, then so be it. But assuming you want to resolve this without any escalation, I'm afraid the only thing to do would be to try and avoid the situation or confrontation for as far as possible and make a complaint about it to the public transport company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm unsure about how the rules are in Germany, but over in the Netherlands there are rules on almost every balcony (the area for standing or access to the doors) where it is explicitly stated to &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please be quiet in the designated 'quiet areas'. Respect other&#xA;  passengers by not talking loudly or playing music anywhere in the&#xA;  train&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd argue that if people are in violation, the conductor should be informed. What they do in response to that is secondary.&#xA;But the point is that if people are not obeying the rules set, they risk punishment or being denied service entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd argue that by informing the conductor, not only are you looking out for your own comfort and well-being, but the comfort and well-being of others as well, and thus the right thing to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7924" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T13:21:30.140" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T13:21:30.140" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-27T13:16:59.313" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing I, and I guess most people have learned during my working life is that the world is a very small place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when you are leaving a company, appreciate the offers of keeping in touch, accept the LinkedIn connection requests and try not to burn any bridges. You never know how beneficial a network of ex-colleagues are until you need them (or meet them again!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you two had issues, take the note with a smile and tear it up or burn it afterwards if you want to. It might even be therapeutic!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3796" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T13:16:59.313" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7258" CreationDate="2017-11-27T13:22:23.600" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most Indians, when they see westerners, especially blond caucasians, wearing Indian clothes, are gratified due to that patriotic spirit which they are indoctrinated in from a young age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there are some people who would see you wearing a sari as a disrespect to Indian culture. These women are generally the old evil mother-in-laws of the typical Indian soap opera.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wearing a sari and giving off the impression I am just playing dress-up with another country's culture and traditions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only person who would have this opinion is that little model of bad-Indian in your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wearing western clothes and giving off the impression I am &quot;too good&quot; for a sari.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over half of India wears western clothes, so yeah.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aren't very closely related to the bride or broom, then I don't think you'll be expected to wear a sari, or any other traditional clothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do, then the first kind of Indian will be extremely shy but also especially enthusiastic to talk to you, given that &quot;she's wearing indian clothes, awesome!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is anyone of the second kind in attendance (enquire from your mutual friend), then you should try to not be in their general area. Do not actively &lt;em&gt;avoid&lt;/em&gt; them, per se, but don't just go to them for a cup of tea or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9410" LastEditorUserId="2183" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T15:22:56.737" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T15:22:56.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7275" CreationDate="2017-11-27T13:39:05.177" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there is a rule against playing loud music or not doesn't really matter. You don't have the &quot;Hausrecht&quot; as a passenger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That out of the way, you can of course in a first step try to appeal to his &quot;common sense&quot; or make the person aware.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if that doesn't work - don't engage yourself any further. Please always turn to a person with authority. That is in case of a train: A conductor, private security, Bahn-Security, Landespolizei (formerly known as Bundesgrenzschutz).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Escalating it does not have any benefit for you. It only raises the chance of being harmed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If no conductor (or similar) is available value your health higher than an inconvenience. We don't need another headline like &quot;Woman beaten to hospital over dispute about loud music&quot; ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also like to pick up on a line of one of your comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;But I am physically stronger than he was, although it was probably not obvious, as I'm female.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't take any chances there. Personally, I have a background of 30+ years of martial arts and still (or better because of that) I would never engage an obviously hostile individual. That's what authorities are there (and trained) for - &quot;to serve and to protect&quot; ( German: &quot;Ihr Freund und &lt;em&gt;Helfer&lt;/em&gt;&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once injured, what does it help you if you have been in the right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5980" LastEditorUserId="5980" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T08:03:10.887" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T08:03:10.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-27T14:44:22.537" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although I wouldn't normally advocate rudeness, I really want to say 'well done' for your honest answer to her. From your follow-up comment it is clear you had previously tried an interpersonal approach to resolve an issue between the two of you, to which she insulted you and then didn't speak to you for a year. Your response really showed her the consequences to her actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, your response also suggests to onlookers that you are one to bear a grudge, rightly or wrongly. And given that each one of us must control our own behaviour because we cannot control the behaviour of others, it would have been better for you to have just accepted it graciously, and then not followed it up. Always be the better person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T14:44:22.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-27T14:51:34.150" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with other posts that this just might not need to be said...but if responding seems unavoidable, I'd go with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Frankly...I'm still kind of reeling from (bad past interaction).  Sorry.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It offers closure without an &lt;em&gt;excess&lt;/em&gt; of rudeness, or the passive-aggressiveness of changing the topic, which I know I for one would find much more painful than an outright rejection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T15:15:41.900" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T15:15:41.900" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7265" CreationDate="2017-11-27T15:01:44.123" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question states you want to tell your colleague that chat isn't the best way of a direct response, but the fact is even when they come directly TO your desk, they still don't get a direct response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd instead be telling them directly, &quot;Sorry I can't help you right now.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm guessing you are not this persons lead or something like that, in which case they'd be expected to look to you for guidance and it's possible that their workload is too high, or skilled for them currently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="387" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T15:01:44.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7273" CreationDate="2017-11-27T15:02:23.597" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your &lt;strong&gt;tone&lt;/strong&gt; and your &lt;strong&gt;body language&lt;/strong&gt; are everything in this situation.  You need to &lt;em&gt;sound and appear like you are still engaged in what they are saying&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Responding with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh yeah, I heard about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;could have lots of different effects based on your verbal and physical tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.globallisteningcentre.org/body-language-of-listeners/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;active listening body language&lt;/a&gt;. When you respond, nod your head, smile, and lean in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a topic that can be further discussed, ask a follow up question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Oh yeah! I think I may have heard about this already. What was it that you were thinking about it?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's the end of the conversation to state you're already informed, end it with your opinion on the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Oh yeah! I heard about that.  It's really interesting/crazy to think about/that this happened.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Pause for them to add any additional thoughts of their own)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;On a related/unrelated note, (bring up a new topic).&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to worry about offending the person you're responding to. If they are able to hear/see your discomfort in your response, it might come across to them as though you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; being dismissive (when in reality that's what you're trying to avoid)!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T19:24:16.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-27T15:11:51.723" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suppose you did not wish to be insincere by assuring this person that you would keep in touch. Your comments reveal that it had been a 'toxic friendship.' You also probably didn't want to give her your email because you wanted no more contact with this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not express myself directly in that manner like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I won't keep in touch with you.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When somebody gives me their contact information I will take it and say OK, I'll keep in touch. Whether I will or not. But I won't give them my own contact information if I don't want them to contact me. I will find some excuse and say I will give them later. A cold or grim body language can express our true feelings on the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is done is done. In the context of this particular interaction I think your being hurt when the friendship dissolved a year earlier led to your direct response that you will not be using her email to contact her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While some people would advocate that frank and honest response, it is worth noting that in an interpersonal sense, &lt;strong&gt;the woman's action might also be interpreted as an indirect attempt at reconciliation and an expression of interest in renewing the friendship. Again, it is your decision whether you want to continue to interact with this person after relocating to another city.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether or not the blunt refusal was necessary is really the only question, and I think your response simply reflected your state of mind, because we tend to react spontaneously and often cannot 'plan' our response in such unforeseen situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In general&lt;/strong&gt;, it is better and more polite to take the contact information and say that you will keep in touch. If the person asks for your contact information you might tell them that you will send it to their e-mail address. That is a way of controlling and being seen to control the interaction. Even if you are not on good terms with that person, you don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing how much they have upset you, as the direct refusal reveals. Keep your tone of voice, body language and facial expression as bland as you can, and leave them guessing as to your state of mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can decide later if you want to contact that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T13:04:55.610" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T13:04:55.610" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7289" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-27T15:52:31.323" Score="23" ViewCount="8657" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've been living in the U.S. for 10 years but my family is in another country.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I haven't visited them in a couple of years and I'm planning a visit next spring.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I usually only go there for a week due to my work schedule.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This year my family is pressuring me to come for 2 weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I explained to them that most people at my job don't take off for 2 weeks at a time and there is no one to cover for me but they urge me to plead with my boss for extended vacation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The truth is that also when I go there for a week, I usually miss my privacy and my home over here and I'm very ready to return so 2 weeks seems like will not be as enjoyable to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to tell them that without hurting their feelings because they miss me and want to spend more time with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I politely turn them down and only go for one week?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T15:54:33.237" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T12:34:52.983" Title="How to tell my family that I don't want to visit for 2 weeks without hurting their feelings?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7289" CreationDate="2017-11-27T16:14:22.560" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may want to make it so that it's not all only on your boss responsibility:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;See mom, as I told you the problem is that we never take more than one week, but it's not simply a matter of &quot;asking my boss&quot;: even if he said &quot;ok&quot;, no one would be there to cover for me, work would stack up and when I got back I would end up dealing with a crushing backlog. All the relax and fun I had by visiting you two weeks would backfire on me &lt;strong&gt;very very seriously&lt;/strong&gt;, so please, try to understand that I do love you but that would make my life &lt;strong&gt;hard&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T16:14:22.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7289" CreationDate="2017-11-27T16:22:56.820" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would take the &quot;easy way out&quot; here and &lt;strong&gt;tell them you are unable to take that much time off of your job&lt;/strong&gt;. You don't have to tell them that you didn't actually ask your boss about it - just explain as you have here that there's nobody to cover your position, and week long vacations are the most &lt;em&gt;anybody&lt;/em&gt; takes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This avoids hurting their feelings by saying you don't really want to spend two weeks with them, and instead they can redirect their disappointment onto your boss (aka somebody they can't argue with). You say your visits are usually a week long, so it's not like a sudden change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that directly telling your family will inevitably lead to hurt feelings. There's really no nice way to say &quot;I don't like spending long amounts of time with you&quot;. &lt;strong&gt;Unless you can propose a solution&lt;/strong&gt;, I wouldn't bring it up. For example, perhaps you could stay at a hotel, or if they promise to respect your privacy when you close your door, you'd be willing to stay longer. Otherwise - and if nothing can change your mind about staying longer - there is no point in telling them the reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless, make sure that they do know you still care about seeing them and look forward to your time with them. This will lessen the sting and keep everyone on positive terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Personal experience: I recently switched jobs and have very little vacation time accrued so far; I have personal reasons for avoiding being at home too much this holiday season. Technically there are ways I could get around the lack of vacation time (advances, overtime, etc.) but I have just told my family sorry, only x hours vacation so I have limited days I can visit. So far no hurt feelings since it's framed as &quot;not that I don't want to see you, but I can't&quot; - which is partially true in both statements as I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; want to see them, just... not for long amounts of time at the moment.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T16:22:56.820" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7258" CreationDate="2017-11-27T16:23:04.733" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;India is not like Persia or similar places where clothing is closely linked to religious or cultural beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are modern styles of traditional clothing in India which might be found to be more &quot;acceptable&quot; to all while still showing an appreciate and respect of the local culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They key is to choose a style that will be recognized as appropriate to the occasion (western styles are common in India, and some of the local guests will probably be wearing them), which you feel comfortable wearing, and MOST IMPORTANTLY DOES NOT SHOW UP THE BRIDE! (or the mothers of the bride/groom!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the poster might be thinking of something like Lederhosen in Germany. This is definitely a &quot;costume&quot; in modern Germany, and would not be appropriate at any event except for a show or festival. In India, traditional Indian styles are worn every day - they are not &quot;costumes&quot; and therefore are appropriate for any event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9418" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T06:12:25.257" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T06:12:25.257" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7258" CreationDate="2017-11-27T17:05:03.567" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;While the other advice given here on the Indian culture and how to respect it are wonderful, I am going to try a different approach that involves &lt;em&gt;people&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my mind this part of your question is the most relevant here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was invited through my sister-in-law (friend of the bride) so I do not have the ability to contact the bride directly, and whenever I ask my family, I get a shrug or noncommittal answer in return. Any help would be appreciated!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you mention that you have asked family members what you should wear and they are not giving you direct answers, &lt;strong&gt;ask them what they are wearing&lt;/strong&gt;. In particular ask your sister-in-law as you have confirmed that she is the one who invited you (I assume this means she is going and was directly invited by the bride or groom). If she is Canadian, &lt;strong&gt;you should wear the same type of outfit&lt;/strong&gt;; this would show good solidarity among family. If she is Indian, &lt;strong&gt;ask her what you should wear&lt;/strong&gt;; she will know the traditions better than you, and if not, she can ask the bride for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would work in theory for &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; wedding. It is always best to ask someone who is close (or at least closer than you) to the wedding what should be avoided or embraced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7860" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T17:05:03.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7289" CreationDate="2017-11-27T17:23:36.000" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Visiting your family for a week is a kindness (as long as it's not a burden.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to stay for more than one week, that's totally your decision. You don't really need to give them any explanation; you can simply state (and repeat) that you're sorry it doesn't seem long enough, but you can't stay for two weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to give them a reason, tell them you have a job you love/need which being absent from for that long would pose a hardship to your coworkers/employer. I don't usually advocate lying, but as you want to spare your parents' feelings, I think this is the best way to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents are both deceased now (there's something to think about!), but when I would visit them, I would feel claustrophobic after a few days. I realized I was staying longer than my comfort zone allowed out of guilt. So I shortened my stays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend this if you're feeling you'd like your own place before the week is up: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Plan a couple of afternoons or a day away alone. You know what sights are nearby or a day trip away. This helps not only in giving you room to be alone with your thoughts, but you might find you actually prefer to do things with your family.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Invite them to come visit you. If they want to see you more often, this should be a viable option. If they say it costs too much, you can remind them that it costs you a lot, too, and you can offer to &lt;em&gt;help&lt;/em&gt; them with the financial aspect. It is also an honest way to appear to want to see them as much as they want to see you. (If there is some kind of physical hardship that makes traveling very difficult for them, take that into consideration.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This became a boundary issue for me and my parents. My father would try to guilt me into visiting more often (I would go twice a year during my residency, when time was more valuable than anything but sleep.) I just started to automatically say &quot;I can't, but you're welcome to come down whenever you'd like.&quot; It was honest and it felt better than constantly explaining why it was so hard to get away during residency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T17:23:36.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7273" CreationDate="2017-11-27T17:40:09.040" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone tells you something that you already know, doesn't indicate your knowledge level is equal for given subject. There are obviously two possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your colleague has greater knowledge. In that case you can take the advantage to improve yours:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, I've heard about that! Is it really true that...blahblahblah? I understand the general idea of it but didn't dig in particular detail of... could you tell me... blahblahblah?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have greater knowledge on that subject&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, I have read a good book about it recently! Did you know that this awesome... blahblahblah? Unbelievable isn't it? Moreover, I can tell that... blahblahblah. Another curiosity is, that it... blahblahblah.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most frequently, in real life there would be a combination of both above. You can simply exchange knowledge in polite conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4610" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T17:40:09.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7273" CreationDate="2017-11-27T17:42:54.883" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually assume that my interlocutor has some detail or perspective to contribute which I have overlooked, and let them talk to get to it. I'm often right, so I take a genuine interest in what they have to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't usually jump in to tell them I've already heard about the phenomenon they are describing unless I'm trying to avoid further discussion of the topic: &quot;oh yeah, I've already heard about that [and please don't keep trying to tell me about it]&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if they ask if I've heard about the topic in question, then I answer honestly and try to direct the conversation either back to the same topic for a more thorough discussion, or elsewhere if I don't really want to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2177" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T17:42:54.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3994" CreationDate="2017-11-27T17:54:58.830" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Can you suggest that they eat on their way to your place and you eat at home? Because meal can be quick (for all of you) and separated, and you can still have a lot of fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to make it clear it's the price, you can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could we arrange to meet a bit later, after dinner, let's say at 8pm [or whatever time it's for you]? I'd prefer to finish what I cooked the other day and clean up a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't mind making it clear, just do so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not much a fan of take-away/delivery food as it gets quite pricey and I've been really tight on budged recently. Would it be too inconvenient for you to come only after dinner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you leave some space for negotiation. I know groups of friends who are pretty fine eating at home what someone of them cooked, and they share the expenses (which are much lower for home-made meal anyway). They gather together near the kitchen desk, someone cooks and everyone chats, and it's just perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T17:54:58.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7273" CreationDate="2017-11-27T18:11:51.960" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I see, some answers describe situations when you actually are not interested in the subject and you are going to cut off all discussions about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is of course nothing bad about it, when you can do it in a polite manner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey John! I am already aware of the situation, thank you for remembering me about it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Jamie! Thank you for interest, but I don't think it is a problem that I need to handle immediately. I'm a little bit busy with some more serious concerns, so see you next time! bye!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, that sometimes your peers can have strong arguments proving that it already &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; a big deal to you. Be open to what they are going to communicate to you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4610" LastEditorUserId="4610" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T09:43:24.243" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T09:43:24.243" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7289" CreationDate="2017-11-27T19:26:14.100" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're torn between sparing their feelings and telling the truth. You'll have to decide for yourself if being honest with them is worth it in this case (for what it's worth, if I was in this situation I'd lie).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you do decide to lie, I'd recommend just choosing the simplest one: tell them you pleaded with your boss and they said no (don't actually go to your boss about this, no need to bring your personal family matters into work here). Then just take your one-week vacation like usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you shouldn't do is halfheartedly ask your boss for the extra week or something just so you can tell your family you asked while technically not lying; you're still being dishonest even if you'd be technically telling the truth. You also make things harder for yourself by involving your boss, plus there's the off chance they approve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh and if you do decide to be honest, emphasize that it's because &lt;em&gt;you're&lt;/em&gt; not up to the task of living away from home for two weeks, make sure they understand it's not their fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9427" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T19:26:14.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7300" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-27T20:09:18.790" Score="7" ViewCount="1228" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife's parents often take a specific type of expensive vacation (it's like a timeshare). They asked us last year to save time in 2019 for us to go with them on a Christmas trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We found out over Thanksgiving that they had rescheduled the trip to Christmas 2018 and invited my family (our families are very close), but without asking me or my wife if we were even interested in moving the trip. If she had asked, we would have said no. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reasons for saying no to rescheduling include &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;we are already taking one of these trips next year, and I'm not sure if I want to use up more than half of my vacation on two very similar trips;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;we have other vacations we'd like to take; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;in 2019, one of us will be back in school and it will be easier to take a week off.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But these aren't the points we want to make with her family, since we're not necessarily upset about that, it's more that my wife's mom rescheduled without us, just assuming that we would make it work. And now that both our families are going, it'll be really rude of us to make a scene and not go, but again, that's part of the reason we're upset because now we're cornered. We're also pretty young and worried she's not really treating us like adults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her mom is very aggressive trying to schedule these trips, and it sounds like what happened is my family was like &quot;Oh sure, 2018 would work,&quot; and she jumped on it. We also heard rumors she might have made special arrangements to make things work for all of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her mom is likely to respond to any concerns with &quot;You just don't want to spend time with us,&quot; and suggesting we take unpaid time off to come with her (not happening, and not really the point).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, we're thinking that if she's going to be very stubborn about this, we'll go to keep the relationship intact. But, we want to have a conversation about it first. We would like that talk to maximize our chances of having a discussion about rescheduling, and hopefully get the trip moved to 2019. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do we have this conversation with her parents?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4077" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T21:05:18.817" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T21:05:18.817" Title="How to explain our frustration over a trip being rescheduled without us?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7300" CreationDate="2017-11-27T20:31:12.647" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your mother-in-law sounds a lot like my mother.  Even though I've been living independently for a handful of years now, she often expects that my young(er) age is reflective of an extremely flexible schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, she thinks she's doing the right thing - you're all family, after all! First show her you're appreciative of her efforts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(Name), we're really glad you've put so much effort into scheduling a trip where both of the families could come together for the holidays, we know that that takes a lot of work to get everyone on board.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, express your concerns calmly, but honestly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, we really wish we would've been asked about the date change first. We had agreed to taking the trip in 2019 because it was going to be much more convenient for us. With one of us in school, it would've been easier to get time off. Plus, we're already taking a similar trip in 2018. We still want to spend this time with the families, but wanted to express that we really would've appreciated the schedule change being discussed with us first, since we also have to account for how our personal lives affect scheduling. If it's still possible to schedule the trip for 2019, that would be strongly preferred by us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to avoid saying '&lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;' in this speech, as it might make her feel targeted (when she probably feels as though she was doing something great by scheduling a time that worked for everyone).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, she may or &lt;em&gt;may not&lt;/em&gt; understand how much of an inconvenience this is for you and your wife.  However your scheduling ends up, expressing your distress about not being included in the rescheduling discussion may very well help prevent this situation again in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T20:31:12.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7302" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-27T21:15:58.393" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;Never burn bridges.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you ever need say is a simple &quot;Thank you&quot;, and then let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does not promise anything and it is not a slight.  When you get home, you can throw the email away, or hold on to it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, swallow your pride, be polite, and never willingly make an enemy, you never know when you may need a friend&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T21:15:58.393" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7273" CreationDate="2017-11-27T21:37:49.403" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Engage them in dialogue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the go on with the topic of the migratory habits of wombats, go deeper into the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, that's interesting.  Do you think the wombats take a northern or southern route if the relative humidity is greater than 80% ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than getting the &quot;I already know this&quot; feeling (which is so obvious, even many of we socially awkward autistics can catch it), use the area of knowledge as a springboard into areas where you are not as familiar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;QUESITONS&lt;/strong&gt; are a good way to stay engaged.  They don't make you seem like a know it all, but can be used to direct conversation into different directions.  Say you don't want to talk about wombats any longer but would rather discuss elk....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, that's fascinating about wombat migratory habits, do you think they are as effected as Elk are on the western slope of the Rocky Mountains in the US?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is to &lt;strong&gt;NEVER CAUSE THE OTHER PERSON TO LOSE FACE&lt;/strong&gt; embarrass a person by making them feel foolish by telling you something they know is not going to make you any friends.  If you already know the subject, don't let on as to the depth of your knowledge.  Listen and make &lt;strong&gt;THEM&lt;/strong&gt; feel important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T21:37:49.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7265" CreationDate="2017-11-27T21:54:18.380" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Nip this in the bud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the first message simply reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry, I am busy right now.  I will be free at X:XX time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and not a word more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he continues to ping you, ignore it until that time, and address it then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I told you that I was busy until this time, why did you continue to interrupt me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he shows up at your desk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, you're distracting me, please come back later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DON'T IGNORE THE BEHAVIOR, ADDRESS IT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't leave, say it again like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please go back to your desk, you are distracting me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then stare at him and don't say a word until he leaves.&#xA;If he still persists, then just point to his desk and say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;GO&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if this becomes a pattern, then you may have to escalate to management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T21:54:18.380" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7305" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7321" CreationDate="2017-11-27T22:24:59.730" Score="3" ViewCount="1284" Body="&lt;p&gt;I grew up in a very Catholic household. I'm agnostic now, but those closest to me believe in God, and I respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who I'm very close to who is also very Christian. We haven't broached the subject of religion very often on more than a superficial level. Part of that is because both of us knew without saying anything that it wouldn't go well (we discussed that a while back).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since her faith is a big part of who she is, I'd like to be able to have conversations with her about it. It's hard to do so when we look at the world so differently. Every problem is solved with God and the Bible for her. Nothing that I bring forth - be it scientific or an argument about the Bible - can change her viewpoints because our worldviews have such different origins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of us end up irritated, and I end up feeling like she doesn't respect my opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a specific example, we had a discussion today about the first letter of John that she had sent to me recently. I had some thoughts about it contradicting itself and the rest of the Bible. She explained why it didn't, and I said I'd let her know if I agreed after I finished reading the letter. She claimed that I would have to read more than just the letter, and I responded that I grew up Catholic and have read large amounts of the Bible because of that. She said that's true, but even though I believed, I had no &quot;living faith&quot;. That devolved into an argument about whether or not that was true, which ended with both of us being frustrated and me getting angry and then feeling guilty about getting angry (I didn't yell at her, but I did express my frustration). She maintained through the whole argument that I didn't understand what she was saying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would probably be similar in person, but it may be important information to note that this was over text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example of the &quot;because God&quot; arguments I'm referencing were from a separate conversation about cloning. My first example didn't have them from what I can tell. Her belief was that cloned humans aren't really humans because they don't have a spirit. It's frustrating to be unable to argue against that, but that didn't cause the rift that the discussion above caused (at least from my point of view).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I discuss parts of the Bible / Christianity with her without both of us getting frustrated and irritated at each other?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9430" LastEditorUserId="9430" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T23:01:40.573" LastActivityDate="2018-08-05T21:56:15.233" Title="How to have a religious discussion with someone when you're not religious?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-11-28T09:47:45.293" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-27T22:53:28.153" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Read between the lines.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was fishing for an opportunity for a personal rapprochement.  Which probably would have gone one of two ways: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;more of the same, and remaining in contact is a hook to re-engage you, or &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a genuine apology/I get it, or as close as she was capable of, which would suggest she doesn't have closure herself.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of which is in the &quot;not your problem&quot; category.  Unless you, based of your knowledge of the particulars, think there is something there warranting your attention.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's something other than a professional connection, I would say no, no no no, nononononono.... Toxic people are maddening, even if they change, it's hard to see it... Avoid the heartburn, plenty of fish in the sea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way you asked the question, you really undersold yourself.  I thought your response forehead-thumping &quot;what was I thinking&quot; social maladjustment until you mentioned the toxic relationship.  There, it was just good boundary setting.  I would've just said &quot;thanks&quot; out of general courtesy and then never called. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you are courteous to another person who may or may not deserve it, that isn't a judgment on them.  It's about you and who you are.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2017-11-27T22:58:54.897" LastActivityDate="2017-11-27T22:58:54.897" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7289" CreationDate="2017-11-27T23:06:06.100" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As bad as this sounds, the best way to handle this is to tell the truth.  Say, I really love you-all and I do miss you but I will lose my job if I take two weeks off, maybe, in a couple years, once I've earned the time off or there is someone to cover for me I can visit.  Say, I really worked hard to get to where Im at at my job; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, it is very, very hard to get a job like mine and if I become replaceable they are liable to fire me if anything comes up; If I remain indespensibe they will need me and will not easily find someone who can replace me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, (this is true), once someone else does &quot;cover&quot; for you, once you let your guard down, the company may very well see your absence as dis-loyalty and you may be fired and replaced by someone more dedicated...Tell them you miss them terrribly, you wish you could come but that it is they're fault because they raised someone so dedicated and ambitious as you; and in all seriousness if you take this two weeks off now, more than likely, in the spring, when you can get outside you very may well be not able to come and thats really when you want to.......they will be sad, but, they will respect you and understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9434" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T01:29:32.273" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T01:29:32.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7305" CreationDate="2017-11-28T00:29:58.080" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is very hard, if not impossible, to argue against beliefs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her if she believes that the Bible can be analyzed as a text, or if she believes that it cannot (and can only be &quot;felt&quot; or something along the lines of that). In the latter case there is not much you can do -- she believes that it is &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; to be irrational, and arguing with her is pointless, you could aswell argue if God exists. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the former case you probably just need to get stronger on that field. You don't need to know much to quote the Bible and use it in arguments, but you do need &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; of knowledge to reliably convince someone. You will likely need to name a lot more than just one verse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should also be noted that the Bible is often very hard to understand, and often very vague about some issues. Trying to understand it has started a lot of fights, and some good amount of wars. Sometimes it is just better to give up if you don't want to lose your friend, and not to talk about some problematic stuff. At all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1581" LastEditorUserId="1581" LastEditDate="2018-08-05T21:56:15.233" LastActivityDate="2018-08-05T21:56:15.233" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7310" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7345" CreationDate="2017-11-28T00:47:07.657" Score="11" ViewCount="9482" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; bad at staying in touch with people. I feel absolutely no inclination to pick up a phone and call someone, or text, or email (even if I did, I wouldn't know what to talk about). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I feel guilty about this at the same time. I have literally gone years without talking to people, but if they ran into me on the street I would treat them as no time has passed. I have never had anyone directly confront me about this, but I can't help but feel that I'm being a bad friend by not staying in contact with others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What are some ways that I can go about re-opening contact with old friends?&lt;/strong&gt; I don't want to come across too awkwardly. I'm open to any communication type that I have available as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of them have Facebook, so this may be a viable avenue for re-opening conversations with them, but I feel like many people would find it strange reaching out to them after so long. Would Facebook come across as disingenuous?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are mainly old school friends and people I grew up with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4256" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T10:49:10.577" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T14:43:05.240" Title="How can I re-open contact with old friends without looking too awkward?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7310" CreationDate="2017-11-28T00:58:39.077" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Motivation needs to come from you.  If you don't feel the desire to, it's hard to give the tools to want to.  However, restarting conversations is less hard than you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that just starting out with &quot;Hey, it's been a while and I wanted to get back in touch.  How are you?  I'm sorry it's been so long!&quot;  Then NEVER follow it up with a request for a favor.  People who re-open old friendships just to ask for a favor don't get that request viewed very favorably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T00:58:39.077" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7275" CreationDate="2017-11-28T01:00:28.897" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Germany I would do a quick googling to find out if he is allowed to do it (listening to music loud, insulting). If he is allowed -- well, sad. You will need to be patient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is not allowed -- contact the related authorities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just noting -- I didn't notice the country tag at first, and thought that if he would do it in Russia, he would be greatly endangered, and would have a chance to lose his phone and a couple of teeth because of his behaviour, or get a bit of pepper in his face. And have very little chances to prove something if he goes to police and complains. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1581" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T01:00:28.897" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7305" CreationDate="2017-11-28T01:17:20.937" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a Christian, I find that this is a hard discussion.  I start out by saying &quot;if I expect someone else to listen respectfully to what I have to say, I need to return that favor.&quot;  If I can't do that, then I shouldn't be in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big question is the reason for the conversation.  Is it to understand each other's point of view, or to change minds?  I want to understand the point of view.  Minds will change when and if they do.  If you both want to change each other's mind (you by pointing out errors/inconsistencies, your friend by saying &quot;because God&quot;), one of you if not both will fail.  Reframing the discussion to listen to understand may soften it.  If one of you won't do that, then the topic should be off-limits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T01:17:20.937" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7315" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7317" CreationDate="2017-11-28T02:15:41.543" Score="124" ViewCount="28383" Body="&lt;p&gt;I currently live in a desirable locale which is a world-famous vacation spot. Suddenly, I have a lot of friends and they want to visit me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to be rude but I have a few issues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For them, it's a vacation. But I'm not on vacation, I live here. I have things going on, limited free time and for me it's a random week of the year.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm totally willing to provide information on how to enjoy the best the island has to offer, but I'm not necessarily free or willing to go with them. Just because I know where the best beach is, doesn't mean that I want to see it for the millionth time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I find the expectation that I will spend whatever free time I have with them rather stressful. Plus, I don't eat out every night, I don't go out every night for drinks, and this doesn't automatically mean that I'll invite you for dinner at my place. And yet the expectation is there.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They almost always poorly plan their financial needs (they don't bring enough money, or they bring their home currency which local banks reject or change at extremely expensive rates, or their cards don't properly work in this country, etc..) and they expect me to lend them money while they get their act together. Yes, I know they will return it, but I don't like to babysit.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this might sound as I'm not friendly nor welcoming, but this is not the case. I am. But I have my life going on here and I appreciate a bit of respect and boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be the best way to handle these situations, ideally providing a very clear context even before they leave their home land to come here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9441" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2017-12-03T12:30:31.713" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T13:44:23.843" Title="I live in a desirable, world-famous vacation spot. How do I handle visiting friends and set healthy boundaries?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7273" CreationDate="2017-11-28T02:22:55.470" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of cases to this. I'll split it into two. First, you're just having a conversation and they are telling you about what they heard. Second, they are setting up a conversation about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the first case I usually just let people talk. I see little point in stopping them. Usually people add their interpretations and reactions to the events and the actual recounting is a fairly small portion of the time. Interrupting doesn't significantly speed up this process and often shuts it down entirely. Even if the topic doesn't die out, interrupting can dramatically change the trajectory. For example, if someone tells you about a protest they heard about the other day, you interrupting can lose you an opportunity to see how they see and react to it, and can short-circuit the conversation into them asking &quot;so, what did you think of it?&quot; Even when they are recounting to you something you've already heard of, if you care about them, you should still genuinely listen to them as they are still implicitly, and often explicitly, talking about themselves. And, of course, they may tell you something you didn't know, or you may simply have mistakenly confused what they are talking about with something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a general conversational dynamics perspective, there are a couple of ways you could go with interrupting. You can leave it to them to continue the conversation which puts pressure on them to come up with a new topic that will pass your muster. Alternatively, you can change the topic, but then you're turning to conversation to your own interests. People love talking about themselves. Interrupting and changing the topic takes an opportunity for them to talk about themselves and makes it an opportunity for you to talk about yourself. People probably won't hate you for this since it's completely ubiquitous, but they aren't going to love you for it. The third option is to stay on the same topic as many of the other answers suggest, but then what was the need to interrupt?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leads to that second case. If it's pretty clear that they want to talk about something else but feel that some context/background is needed for that, then interrupting to inform them that you already have that context can save time and let them get to what they really want to talk about. In my experience (though I'm fairly brusque to begin with), you can be pretty abrupt about this. Usually there are slight pauses where they are seeking acknowledgement from you where you can relatively smoothly inform them that you are aware of the topic. You should also give them (very briefly) some idea of how knowledgeable you are about the topic so they can judge if that is enough. For example, &quot;I heard about it in passing on the news&quot; versus &quot;I read a few articles about it&quot;. Sometimes they are trying to blast through an info-dump, and you may need to go so far as to cut them off to let them know that it's not necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4273" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T02:22:55.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7315" CreationDate="2017-11-28T02:50:06.920" Score="124" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few years ago, I used to fantasize about what it would be like to be in your situation, because I wanted to live in a very beautiful part of Europe. Kind of like winning the lottery, I suppose; it has its downsides. But you hit the jackpot!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Were I in your place I would have ready a generic e-mail that I could customize for particular people/circumstances. In it, I would repeat many of the things you spell out yourself in your post. Maybe something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear So-and-so,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please choose first line:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;1) I'm so glad you called/contacted me! It would be so nice to see you again, and I can't wait to be your (&lt;em&gt;island&lt;/em&gt;) Airbnb host!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;2) I'm so glad you called/contacted me! It would be so nice to see you again. I know all the best places to stay on this island. Tell me what your price range is, and I'll recommend a couple of hotels/accommodations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I will not be on vacation that/those (week/days), (optional:) {but you're welcome to crash here and use this as your home base.} I am happy to tell you all the places I would visit and where I would dine out were I on vacation here. I think you'll find it a beautiful as I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please plan on bringing about &lt;em&gt;X&lt;/em&gt; (denomination acceptable in your country) with you; most people find they need at least (&lt;em&gt;X-Y&lt;/em&gt; denomination) a day to visit the sites and for eating out, more if you're planning on some fine dining. You can change (your denomination) into (acceptable currency) at Bank Pourtoi Mondays through Fridays from A to Z, and I highly recommend (car-rental agency of choice). They charge (!!! currency)/day. Plan accordingly. If you cook/eat a few meals here/where you're staying, you may do more with a bit less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope to be able to join you on a few of your outings, but unfortunately, my work doesn't allow me to predict when I'll be available. So come, but please understand you'll be seeing a lot more of the sights than you will be seeing me. I hope that's ok. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm looking forward to seeing you! Let me know if you have any questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they arrive, I would inform them of my work hours, and when I usually go to bed, asking them to come and go as they please, but if it's a time when you're sleeping, to do so quietly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make the email warmer or cooler depending on your desires to see those who have expressed a wish to ‘see you’. Then actually run it much like an Airbnb without charging your guests to stay at your house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope that helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edited to add: I assumed the OP would be allowing guests in her home. If she wishes to discourage that, I have altered the template.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2324" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T01:16:29.980" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T01:16:29.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7258" CreationDate="2017-11-28T02:58:03.973" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being an Indian, I feel we always appreciate any foreigner wearing Indian dresses perhaps like everyone else. But we wish people to enjoy the time and not tensed by wearing something they are not comfortable. So just be comfortable and relax. Indians are one of most tolerant people in all respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9442" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T02:58:03.973" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7319" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7305" CreationDate="2017-11-28T03:17:21.660" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is one of those very few topics that maybe just should be permanently tabled. You are already aware it appears that your models for processing the world are inherently different, and unless the two of you are able to iron out something resembling a purely &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;philosophical&lt;/a&gt; debate, it won't end well as both sides will likely take the other person's arguments as circular and fundamentally flawed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, I seem to recall reading recently (possibly a click-bait article, details unclear) that you simply can't convince someone of something very distant from their own beliefs. Any confrontation causes the opposite effect and magnifies the problem you are facing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; have religious conversations though, I'll again propose keeping it purely philosophical. Arguments should be short, and free from formal and informal fallacies, with the mutual understanding that fallacies can be wholly truthful but impossible to debate intelligently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4359" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T03:17:21.660" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7258" CreationDate="2017-11-28T03:33:03.723" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am South Indian. There are many good answers to this question that may unfortunately be generalizations to the whole sub-continent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saris themselves vary across regions in terms of motifs, borders, style of wearing, etc. Wearing a North Indian style Saree to a South Indian wedding will be appreciated, albeit awkwardly. And vice versa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are interested in wearing the Indian outfits, please do your research on the target culture and the customs, as well as the ease of procuring a saree or indian outfit that achieves a balance between a generalization and a specification of the target culture. Unfortunately, this is a very hard task because India is a wonderfully diverse country. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal recommendation is to wear Western formal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9443" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T03:33:03.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7305" CreationDate="2017-11-28T03:55:14.697" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a religious Jew married to an atheist.  I've also had many Christian (various flavors) friends over the years and been part of conversations with them about religion.  So in a way I've been on both sides of this.  (I'm not trying to convert anybody, though.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like both of you are trying to argue or persuade.  If you want to keep the relationship on good terms, y'all gotta stop that.  Pretty much nobody was ever persuaded to -- or from -- religion based &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; on emphatic efforts of a peer.  More-experienced religious people tend to know this and act on it (but see a caveat below), but many pass through the &quot;I must share the good news and save the people I love&quot; phase on the way.  And it's true for atheists too; the need to &quot;show people reason and science&quot; can be a strong force too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those two strong forces are on a collision course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to talk about religion -- and since it's important in different ways to both of you, it's reasonable that you would -- then instead of trying to &lt;em&gt;persuade&lt;/em&gt;, try to &lt;em&gt;understand&lt;/em&gt;.  (Besides, shouldn't understanding be a prerequisite for trying to change someone's core beliefs?)  Ask questions; listen to the answers; avoid making truth-claims.  I recommend starting by approaching things objectively and dispassionately rather than subjectively and emotionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Good: How do you reconcile this first letter of John with (this other thing)?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Good: I'm having trouble understanding this argument that Paul is making.  What's the context?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Good: What does it mean to have &quot;living faith&quot;?  How does that work for you? / What does that feel like?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Bad: John sure does contradict himself a lot.  What's up with that?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all of this you're not seeking &quot;the truth&quot; from her; set aside those &quot;why is she the only one who can understand the bible?&quot; feelings you're having.  You're looking for &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; understanding, her perspective, not absolute truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband doesn't believe what's in the &lt;em&gt;torah&lt;/em&gt; (five books of Moses; core Jewish text) or follow Jewish law, but we've had thoughtful, deep conversations about both anyway.  We talk about text interpretation, about how the rabbis understood certain passages, about how this law is derived -- he doesn't believe a word of it and &lt;em&gt;that's fine&lt;/em&gt;.  No attempts at persuasion, no challenging each others' core beliefs, just conversation.  (He did go to religious school, so he has core knowledge.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Christianity is different from Judaism in an important way that bears on this problem.  Most Christian denominations teach that you have to &lt;em&gt;be Christian&lt;/em&gt; in order to have a desirable afterlife (which is very important in Christianity).  Some allow for people who've never heard of their scriptures, like ancient peoples and isolated tribes, but they usually hold that if you've heard the message and rejected it, you're going to suffer eternally.  Therefore, there is a push to bring people into the fold to save them from that fate.  Some denominations emphasize missionizing more and some less; in my experience (in the US), Catholics and Orthodox are the least likely to push and evangelical Protestants are the most likely.  If your friend comes from a Protestant background, don't draw too many conclusions from your Catholic upbringing.  But go ahead and draw on it as you ask questions; comparing Catholicism to her denomination might even be a more comfortable conversation for both of you, while still giving you a chance to learn and her a chance to explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll notice I haven't said anything about how to broach scientific topics as part of these conversations.  Just as you should &lt;em&gt;ask&lt;/em&gt; rather than having her &lt;em&gt;push&lt;/em&gt;, you should also let her &lt;em&gt;ask you&lt;/em&gt; about your beliefs.  If the relationship isn't one-sided, that'll happen.  Let her lead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T15:25:45.620" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T15:25:45.620" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-28T07:49:04.123" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Golden rule:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously. You're leaving. You don't have to use their contact details or reply to their messages. Perhaps there was a more polite way to respond but you didn't need to even need to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turning them down at all makes you seem difficult to work with in the future in front of others that may not be aware of the details of your history. Especially in a workplace, there is no point antagonising people you likely won't have to  deal with in the future. You could have just taken it and left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want closure, this is a matter best discussed with them in private, not in a room full of colleagues. If not, just leave and be done with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9459" LastEditorUserId="9459" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T05:48:24.080" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T05:48:24.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7289" CreationDate="2017-11-28T09:11:47.150" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't really have to bring your job into this, at least not like that. I've worked abroad my self for an extended period (4½ years in Ireland, I am from Denmark). I usually visited a couple of times per year. And usually, only for about 2 weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like you, I found that after a while, you start missing your privacy, which is okay. Your daily routine is entirely different. Especially because you won't be working during your normal hours while you're on vacation, and since moving from home, you've adapted to a different circumstance, where you're not physically close to family 24/7, or even 16/7.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend that you simply tell your family this. They are likely to understand that you've grown. They may feel saddened by the distance this creates, but I usually tried to make up for it by trying to be extra active when I was home, as well as having more regular phone conversations when I was back &quot;home&quot; in Ireland again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4794" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T09:11:47.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7315" CreationDate="2017-11-28T10:10:54.900" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in such a place, and we have people who want to visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are, in my case, several categories of visitors&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the ones I really want to see, they also want to see me and we both know that. It is a pleasure to host them and we have a great time. For some reason they are also the ones who understand that they are on vacation and I am not. Anyway, I love to have them at my place.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the ones i do not want to see too much but for various reasons (family, mostly) they expect me to host them (or the ones who had the brilliant idea of inviting them on my behalf think so). I try to discourage them, using more or less moral tricks.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;then there are the ones I do not want to see, full stop (not because I do not like them but because I am not a hotel or couchsurfer host). I just tell them that it is not possible. Either they understand or they do not, in the latter case I am relieved that they did not come because they would have probably been complicated guests.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry if this sound impolite - everyone is different and some people love to have an open house. I do not and want to choose the ones I host (and then, when I host them, this is a fantastic stay for everyone).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is also the possibility to have someone coming when &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are on vacation, to &quot;keep the house safe&quot;. I tend to use this for the second category of guests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastEditorUserId="1871" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T11:59:17.060" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T11:59:17.060" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-28T11:28:21.583" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's fine. Don't over think it. You were straight to the point, didn't lead them on or lie to them to save their feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's down to them to choose how they want to react, you were honest and shouldn't regret at thing. If said person doesn't like what you said then it is down to them to say so, then you can both decide if you want an out of work relationship and do all of that. (If you then choose not to, then they just have to get over it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, it's done, move on. I'm sure people they don't even know have said worse things to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hakuna matata&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3218" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T11:28:21.583" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7331" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7357" CreationDate="2017-11-28T11:33:40.483" Score="7" ViewCount="1193" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in a &amp;quot;let's occasionally do some Star Trek Themed Roleplay via IRC&amp;quot;-group that includes a couple I have known for ages. The group has one more member, but he is totally unaware of the past history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to personal issues, me easily submitting to stuff and them occasionally being very dominant and being in a &amp;quot;two against one&amp;quot;-position against me there came a phase when they really hurt me... a lot. Hard words where exchanged, I wasn't on the best of my behaviour either, feelings were hurt, the whole thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She apologized, we had some talks, I am fine with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He, on the other hand, went way too far, and still has not apologized or even mentioned anything about being sorry!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to apologize. Admittedly, I may have added a few &amp;quot;but..&amp;quot;'s at the time, I am not sure of how exactly I put it. I am not really sure if he ever realized it &lt;strong&gt;was&lt;/strong&gt; an apology, because he was still very subtly nasty to me by ignoring me. I tried to reach out, but there was the point at which the wall of ice he had set up just was too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On three separate occasions, in an attempt to defend his girlfriend, he basically said: &amp;quot;You will regret acting like this, I do have ways to make sure of that!&amp;quot;. I was actually terrified the first time he did that. Another time he did that, I called him out at it, asking him what he thought he actually could do! This ended with his girlfriend telling me to stop talking to him like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I know I overreacted, but still: he was aware how terrified this kind of talk made me the first time, he actually was hurt when hearing I took it that seriously, because it implied he would actually hurt me, and he thought I was terrible for ever feeling that way!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Current situation:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot really talk to him about it, she refuses to get involved in that topic, and ever since I have been too worried to ever complain about anything during roleplaying, or mention anything that might spark disagreement. I would love to get that out of the way, but don't know how.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our only contact is currently taking place via chat. I actually avoided meeting her on two occasions when I was in their area, even though I would have loved to see her again, because I worried she might bring him along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wish is to have a relaxed relationship with &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; again, being able to talk about just anything, as it used to be. My main fear is that if there ever is any dissent between us again, he will &lt;strong&gt;again&lt;/strong&gt; push himself in, and attack me verbally for daring to have what should be a harmless, short-lived argument with her. How can I approach &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; about my fears without her striking out at me for daring to have any mistrust towards her SO? She loves him very much, but I would very much like to stay out of his sight forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would be fine with leaving the RP-group even, but I admit I am worried she would not understand my reasons. So... what do I tell her, and how do I explain without her being angry and hurt?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2330" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T19:03:05.867" Title="How to keep contact with one half of a couple if the others makes you very uncomfortable?" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7315" CreationDate="2017-11-28T11:49:42.077" Score="49" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, you're coming to (insert place name here)? That's great! Where are you staying? I hear (insert local hotel here) is very nice and a reasonable price.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will force them to make their intentions known, if they are expecting an invitation they will have to ask directly or admit that they were hoping for one, this puts you in a good position as it makes it clear to them that their expectations and yours don't align.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they respond by asking to stay with you or point out that they were trying to drop a hint you can reply along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry but I'm going to be at work most of the time and I'm not really comfortable having people in the house when I'm not around. It's nothing personal, I'm just rather sensitive about my privacy.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This avoids offending them, you aren't willing to host them, but it's not their fault. Dishonest? Perhaps, and feel free to replace with another reason but making it about you means that it's not something they can change or control. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are asking for you to take them around or go out with you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sure, we can probably meet up for an hour on Friday night after work. I can get you some leaflets for local attractions or menus for some of the restaurants in the area before you set off.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask for more stand firm, as you say you aren't on vacation and it would be unreasonable to spend your free time (and money) acting like you are. Offering to possibly make yourself available for a period of time you would be comfortable with avoids making it about money which can get awkward and focuses on the lack of free time that comes with working a regular job. If you have other commitments that will take up your time you can mention these as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important part is to be non-committal, use &quot;maybe&quot;, &quot;perhaps&quot; or &quot;possibly&quot; to avoid accidentally committing to something you don't want to do. Anyone who gets offended that you aren't going to drop everything to be their host is not someone you would want to have around anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally the lending money part, as I've already mentioned things get awkward when it comes to money. Your best bet? Refuse. Tell them that you can't spare it right now. We've all got a limited amount of disposable income at any one time and even the wealthiest of us have most of our money tied up in assets/investments/savings. This may cause friction in your relationships but it only happens once, if they can't get past it, again they aren't people you want around. Most likely they will get over it and prepare better in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, some people will try to take advantage if you don't set proper boundaries early on. It can be difficult and uncomfortable setting those boundaries in the first place, especially if you have an existing relationship where they didn't exist before, but once you get through that difficult phase your relationships will be better for it and you can flex and move those boundaries much more easily once they are established. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5599" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T11:49:42.077" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7333" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7258" CreationDate="2017-11-28T11:57:32.710" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will be attending a wedding in India in January.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take note of the climate of the place. If it is North India, it would be chilling cold to wear a saree. If it is South India, the weather would be pleasant and just fine for saree. Also, get in touch with others who are attending because you might want to avoid wearing if no one else is wearing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was invited through my sister-in-law.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her directly, she may give a good advice. A great idea would be to have a saree theme, say all of the friends of bride wear sarees of similar colour/design.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was wondering if it is rude (or expected) to wear a sari to the wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We, Indians love people who respect our traditions. We are a country of diverse cultural and socio-economic background. As the saying in Sanskrit goes, &lt;strong&gt;अतिथिदेवो भव:&lt;/strong&gt; the guest is equivalent to God.  You need not worry about disrespect, we are innately good people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope you have a good visit to India. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9045" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T11:57:32.710" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-28T12:50:37.087" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As has been mentioned, don't burn bridges, and if in doubt, a simple smile and &quot;thank you&quot; is enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you really wished to give an in-depth answer, that would have been very possible as well. Something along the lines of...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for the offer. Frankly, I am using this opportunity to take a fresh start in my life, and will very much be concentrating on my new environment. I am really trying not to bring too much from my &quot;old life&quot; with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there was &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; at all that you enjoyed in your relationship with her, maybe at the beginning, then it would not hurt you to thank her for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;All of this is designed for your own selfish reasons.&lt;/em&gt; I couldn't care less about the person who mistreated you, but you strike me as a person who thinks alot about interactions like this. Doing it this way would really be the best a person could expect from you - altogether friendly, heartily etc. - without inviting any comeback, or any hurt doled out at the last day (which would very likely haunt you back in your own mind in the next months if you did so).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T12:50:37.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7337" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7341" CreationDate="2017-11-28T14:04:26.960" Score="71" ViewCount="30345" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, I've had a couple short conversations with a coworker that have taken a racist turn, and I'm not really sure how to respond. We don't work directly together, but often see each other in passing and say &quot;hello&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, today he asked if I heard the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/27/europe/meghan-markle-profile/index.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;news about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry&lt;/a&gt;, and then stated that she is black to which I responded, &quot;huh&quot;. I had heard the Prince was getting married but nothing about who he was marrying. He then proceeded to make a comment that because she is black, they'll have to start using the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=30371&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Link (welfare benefits) card&lt;/a&gt; &quot;over there&quot;. I responded with &quot;I don't know about that&quot;, and I think he could tell the comment made me uncomfortable so he let the conversation drop, and we continued on our separate ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the fact, I'm trying to figure out what a better response might have been.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;That's racist&quot; would be pretty direct, but I am generally pretty confrontation-averse, and I worry it wouldn't do anything to help him see that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pretending to be confused by the comment so that he'll explain, and hopefully point out his own racism&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Doing what I did&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Something else entirely&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My coworker and I are both white. I am in my mid 20's and he is probably 55 or older.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clarification&lt;/strong&gt; - The Link card mentioned is a system used by the state of Illinois to help people who need financial support to get enough food. As identified by Revetahw, the coworker was claiming that since Ms. Markle is black, she must need one of these cards, thus stereotyping that all black people need the card (and financial support from the government).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9482" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T16:04:16.297" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T17:39:45.350" Title="How do I respond to racist remarks from a coworker?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7300" CreationDate="2017-11-28T14:04:35.880" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't have to explain.  All you have to do is say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, our plans for 2018 are firm.  Maybe if you'd asked (pick a time&#xA;  -- two months ?) ago we could have rescheduled, but it is simply too late now for us to reschedule.  If you can re-reschedule back to 2019, that would be perfect!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And stick to it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We just can't reschedule 2018 at this late date, but 2019 is wide open. Let's talk about something else!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't say anything more than that.  Stick to the mantra.  You give in on this, you will be giving in on things for years to come. Your mother-in-law will get huffy, but she may learn a lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plausibility:  People do make plans for trips that cannot easily be cancelled a year in advance.  Your mother-in-law has, you can too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for breaking the relationship, a mother is not likely to break a relationship with her daughter because her son-in-law is a p---- (as she may think of you from now on), but a crack may develop in the relationship allowing it to be reshaped in a form more to your liking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you be the bad guy on this one.  Your wife is probably accustomed to deferring to her parents -- you say you are both pretty young -- and it will probably be easier for you to stand firm&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS You don't explicitly say what your wife wants, but you say &quot;we&quot;, so I assume you and she agree on this issue.  If not, you need to edit your question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In Summary&lt;/strong&gt;  Instead of long explanations about how you want to be treated as adults, just behave like adults and don't allow your parents or in-laws to schedule your play-dates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T17:55:07.890" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T17:55:07.890" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-28T14:21:24.247" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's best to avoid confrontation.  What you did is fine, it got the message across without causing a firestorm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feigned ignorance is also a good way to go, and is a bit of a stronger way to put some negative social pressure on someone who is being rude.  When they have to explain their position, they make themselves look foolish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, why would they need that?  Did the queen disown him?  Are they both poor?  What do you mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a huge fan of the &quot;call out culture&quot;.  IMO, it just makes the person you are calling out dismiss you as a kook.  Being dismissive of them, as you were, or feigning ignorance and making them explain are far more effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally, I'd say humor is a good approach, but not in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You handled yourself well, IMO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T14:21:24.247" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-28T14:23:26.147" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Pretending to be confused by the comment so that he'll explain, and&#xA;  hopefully point out his own racism&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your second option is the best way to go with an older person.  Most folks of that age won't learn or respond well to a direct &quot;that was racist&quot; comment, especially from a much younger person.  The &lt;strong&gt;indirect subtle approach&lt;/strong&gt; is the way to go here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is a quote from an article I found to be helpful on the subject in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;People who are racist think they have [got] more support in society than&#xA;  they do. If you don’t say anything they’ll continue to think that. If&#xA;  you do, they start to reassess,” says Prof Yin Paradies from Deakin&#xA;  University, who helped create Everyday Racism&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.creativespirits.info/aboriginalculture/people/how-to-deal-with-racist-people#ixzz4zjiEgq00&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dealing with racist people&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T19:25:11.577" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T19:25:11.577" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-28T14:25:24.350" Score="83" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like what you did is one of the most positive things you can do in this situation for a couple of vital reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You avoided escalating an awkward situation into a heated debate&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to avoid this in your workplace. Putting him in a position to explain what he meant by the comment leaves him feeling uncomfortable, like he possibly could've gotten in trouble (for making racist comments in the workplace), and will likely dissuade him from making those kinds of comments (at least around you) again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You didn't take it upon yourself to change his opinion during this one interaction&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter where anyone stands on what is right and wrong, changing someone's mindset is a difficult task for the workplace because of how sensitive a topic it can be. You also mentioned he is over twice your age, which can be a valuable indicator that someone will be more difficult to change, since they've had many years to develop these opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You expressed that you didn't share/follow his line of thinking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Showing your discomfort and turning it back around on the offender leaves them feeling awkward. It'll either dissuade them from making these comments to you, or eventually to avoid these comments as a whole. I think this is about the best thing you can hope for in this environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the comments ever escalate or he doesn't seem to take the hint that you don't want to participate in these discussions/comments, I'd consider speaking to HR about how they could address the issue.  Racism in the workplace can be a sensitive item and isn't something you want to take into your own hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T01:09:24.257" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-28T14:32:37.590" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first version of my answer referenced an interracial marriage several generations ago in the Russian Imperial Family and the British Royal Family.  Learning this bit of history was felt by a commenter as requiring too much effort.  (If any reader is interested, see the following link: &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nadejda_Mountbatten,_Marchioness_of_Milford_Haven&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Najeda Mountbatten&lt;/a&gt;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more important piece of knowledge -- &lt;strong&gt;something that everyone should know&lt;/strong&gt; -- is that every human alive today can trace his/her ancestry to Africa.  The human race originated in Africa, and emigrated out of Africa to populate the rest of the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, unless you are dealing with someone who is irredeemably ignorant, a telling response could be     &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are an African too.  All of us are.  Everyone in the world can&#xA;  trace their ancestry back to Africa.  &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/22/science/ancient-dna-human-history.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;We are all emigrants from&#xA;  Africa&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T16:48:24.820" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T16:48:24.820" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7310" CreationDate="2017-11-28T14:43:05.240" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who doesn't see the need to stay in constant contact with friends, sometimes I go months without speaking to the friends I don't see on a regular basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The approach I've taken is to send a message to say hello, make small talk, and depending on how interested they seem in reconnecting (by their responsiveness to our conversation), expressed to them &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; it was I fell out of touch.  While I think you could get away without the last step, I think some people appreciate knowing that it wasn't anything in particular that caused you to fall out of touch - you're just not the type of person to stay in frequent contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hey! Long time no see. How has life treated you?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Make small talk)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm glad to hear you're doing well. Sorry that I fell out of touch all those years ago - I realize I'm not the greatest at staying in contact, haha.  I was wondering if you'd want to hang out some time to catch up?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to explain yourself, like above, you don't need to overly apologize.  Just mention it as a way of saying &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;Oops, I didn't realize I was doing this until a significant amount of time had passed&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; and then express that you want to rekindle the friendship from their end, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it's possible not everyone will feel the same way about re-kindling the friendships, the key is to &lt;strong&gt;show that you are still interested in their life&lt;/strong&gt;.  Ask questions about how they've been, what new developments have occurred, and where they're headed in life.  These are all signs that you care and are interested in knowing about them, and will leave the ball in their court to decide if they want to fully re-connect with you, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T14:43:05.240" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7349" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7355" CreationDate="2017-11-28T15:49:06.130" Score="37" ViewCount="12521" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situational Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I really like this man (lets call him &lt;em&gt;Bill&lt;/em&gt;), he used to live next door to us. He and his wife divorced about 18 months back; it appears as though she has moved on. She still lives next door to us and so we have noticed that each weekend the boyfriend stays at her house. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that she is hiding the boyfriend from &lt;em&gt;Bill&lt;/em&gt;. I also suspect that the reason for this is that &lt;em&gt;Bill&lt;/em&gt; is providing some financial support for her. While this is purely speculation there is some evidence that supports these suspicions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Emotional Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In relation to &lt;em&gt;Bill&lt;/em&gt;, he seems unable/unwilling to move on. For example last night he posted on Facebook that he is very much still in love with his ex-wife.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The interpersonal problem:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I are leaning towards telling him about the boyfriend, as we feel it will help him move forward.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the question is: &lt;strong&gt;In what way would we broach this topic?&lt;/strong&gt; Bearing in mind both the situational context, and his current emotional attachments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal is to avoid causing him any more pain than is necessary in delivering this news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I went out with the friend with the goal of supporting him in life, he is just a good guy.  We rode bikes and stopped at a pub had lunch and a few beers.  At one point he broke down crying, but not for long.  We talked a lot about the only thing that he can control:  his actions.  This probably went on for about two hours.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our discussion turned to he suspected that she was seeing someone else, and all I did was confirm it.  The way it went down he was relieved to know and being that my main goal for the day was to support him it was well received.  Hopefully this help him moves on.  He suspected that she was going to end up with a doctor or something, but that is not the case, the guy she is seeing is unable to afford his own car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5061" LastEditorUserId="5061" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T13:17:58.557" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T06:59:35.723" Title="How can we tell a divorced friend that his ex has moved on, and appears to have a boyfriend?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7350" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-28T16:07:35.217" Score="10" ViewCount="1095" Body="&lt;p&gt;Long story short: my mother recently has been diagnosed with an inoperable malignant brain tumor and her biggest wish is for us to mend our relationship before she dies. My father and I have had multiple falling outs and fights...all of which were fueled by alcohol on both sides. I don't drink anymore and haven't in 10 years and I've heard that he is trying to quit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've apologized many times for my part in things and he seems to refuse the idea that he shares any of the blame. He retired a few years ago and his attitude has gotten abysmal since losing his &quot;purpose&quot;... Additionally, he lives in a self imposed bubble and is extremely out of touch when it comes to the most basic functions of modern living... To give an example he has never even used an ATM machine and he depends on my mother for everything. When she dies I fear what will happen to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's a good person but also he is very selfish and callous and doesn't seem phased at all with not being in touch with any of his children or grand children. My sister checked out years ago and the buck is being passed to me. I've got no clue of where to begin with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9490" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T12:25:30.967" LastActivityDate="2019-12-18T15:50:44.290" Title="How do I get my father back after an extended time of being estranged?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;estranged-relations&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7350" CreationDate="2017-11-28T16:17:18.010" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a song from the 1980s by Mike and the Mechanics titled &quot;The living years&quot;.  Watch the video and read the lyrics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both my parents and one of my brothers is gone.  The other doesn't call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You start with a call and a &quot;hello&quot;.  You cannot control whether or not he apologizes or even understands whatever part he has in your estrangement so you should not focus on that ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You talk to him, you say anything.  Apologize again, and don't expect one in return.  He's from another generation, one that did not easily talk about feelings or emotions.  He may not have the capacity to offer an apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, forget about his part, focus on your part.  Tell him that you love him.  Take him in limited doses if you must.  Understand that mending fences does not mean that he will ever be your best friend, but he is your father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just reach out, call, say you're sorry, you love him, and that you want him in your life again.  It will comfort your mother now, and after a fashion, you and your dad as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T16:17:18.010" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7207" CreationDate="2017-11-28T16:26:44.650" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;tl;dr: host was already aware and thanked me for mentioning the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ended up raising the issue directly, without beating around the bush, in text with one of them. A condensed version:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: There's no really tactful way to say this, but when I walked into&#xA;  your house Thursday pretty much the first thing I noticed was the&#xA;  smell of cat pee, and by the time I left my nose and throat were&#xA;  burning and itching. I know your kitties are getting old and probably&#xA;  not as careful as they once were, and I assume it's happened so&#xA;  gradually that you just got used to it, but if you're going to start&#xA;  hosting again it would be a good idea to air the house out a bit ahead&#xA;  of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Host: Thanks for letting me know.  I've started working on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: I'm glad I didn't offend you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Host: I appreciate that you are willing to tell me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: And I do like your kitties when they aren't too scared of crowds&#xA;  to come out of hiding ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Host: Fluffy has started to pee in odd places. [...] Daily cleaning of&#xA;  litterboxes hasn't helped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Cats sometimes pick where to pee as a way of expressing an&#xA;  opinion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Host: Yes, that seems to be happening more, recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9341" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T16:26:44.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7350" CreationDate="2017-11-28T16:33:02.820" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your mother loves you, and loves your father, so she sees the benefits of the two of you reuniting. Unfortunately, her love is probably optimistic as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you had a toxic relationship with your father, your mother's wish is in reality not a loving one for you, I'm very sorry to say. Because you say nothing about your mom, I'll assume she's a lovely woman with the best intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't change your father (or the past) no matter how much talking you do (which includes reasoning, arguing, begging and pleading.) He has to want to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your situation, I would visit my mom as much as I could, and if your dad is there, &lt;em&gt;always treat him with kindness and respect&lt;/em&gt;. Don't argue with him; don't allow yourself to be drawn into an argument. (Not responding is always an option.) Treat him the same way when you're alone; see what happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mom repeats her wish, tell her you're working on it. A response like, &quot;Mom, I'll try the best I can but I can't do it alone&quot; is an honest response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom may have reasons you don't know about for her wish. Maybe she fears for your father when she's gone. If you feel comfortable asking personal questions of your mother, you can talk about the whys of this wish. Knowing exactly what she expects will help you in your decision making. If she's worried about him being lonely, you can tell her you'll call and check on him (if you can.) It may not require a full-blown &quot;relationship&quot; to fulfill your mother's wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this ends well, I will be very happy for you, your father, and your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it does not, don't feel guilty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I was guilted into resuming a relationship with a toxic relative. (Not by my mom. My mom was a lovely woman.) The toxicity was still there in a much subtler form, but as we were together more, it came out full blown as screaming, demeaning name calling, accusations, etc. I had to end the relationship once again, and the second time was much worse than the first because this time my kids saw it, etc. This relative contacted my family and friends with accusatory emails about me, etc. It was awful. I did do my best, but I will only allow myself to be abused so much.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T16:44:02.993" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T16:44:02.993" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7349" CreationDate="2017-11-28T16:59:46.550" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;It can be challenging to tell someone that their spouse or significant other is engaging in infidelity - often the messenger bears the brunt of the initial blowback and this can permanently damage a friendship - in this case, however, there is no infidelity - they are divorced.  If she is receiving financial support as part of the divorce settlement, there is also nothing going wrong here.  She is entitled to keep her business private and may be entitled to receive money as part of the divorce agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BUT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bill is your friend and he may not be aware of the whole situation so you should feel confident that telling him is actually in his best interest because he harbors feelings for his ex-wife and may be providing more support than he is legally required to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start by asking him why he still wants to get back with her when it is apparent that she does not share those same feelings. You don't need to tell about the new boyfriend just yet, but simply say it seems like she has moved on.  Let him explain why he is doing it - really listen to him and understand his position before telling him - you don't want to rush the answer and crush him - you want him to express out loud what he is feeling which may help him realize it is less rational than he is acting.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After understanding him better, broach the idea of moving on for his own well being.  Tell him he deserves someone who loves him and wants him exclusively.  Focus on him being worth a better situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask him if he knew he would never get back to together with his ex-wife would he want her to be happy - even if it was painful to him.  Ask him if he thought his ex would want him to be happy (again assuming there is no chance they would reconcile).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can tell him gently.  Tell him you think she is seeing someone - you haven't met him but you've seen him around. You know it hurts for him to hear it but it may be the truth.  Reiterate that barring getting back together (which is clear from her is not going to happen) that the next best thing is that they are both happy with someone else.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be a series of conversations but I think taking time to tell him is the best choice.  Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6236" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T16:59:46.550" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7349" CreationDate="2017-11-28T17:05:48.363" Score="27" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can we tell a divorced friend that his ex has moved on, and&#xA;  appears to have a boyfriend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short answer&lt;/strong&gt;:  Mind your own business here&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking from first hand experience, interjecting yourself in this situation by telling &lt;em&gt;Bill&lt;/em&gt; is a terrible idea.  What business is it of yours to deliver hurtful news that is not relevant or helpful to &lt;em&gt;Bill&lt;/em&gt; moving on?  Telling &lt;em&gt;Bill&lt;/em&gt; this information will only cause him pain, so I would suggest that you let him find out on his own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are interested in helping &lt;em&gt;Bill&lt;/em&gt; move on, I would suggest you make certain to keep him as active socially as you can.  Or maybe invite him over to grill out so he can see the situation himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T17:13:00.337" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T17:13:00.337" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7331" CreationDate="2017-11-28T17:43:36.460" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you can. Not in the long run. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Long Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So long as she and he are a couple, and he is determined to hold a grudge, the odds of your having a good/close/healthy relationship with her are very low.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further more, based on your description, if you begin a conversation about this situation with her, he will mostly likely see it as you continuing/renewing the argument and will attack you for the perceived infraction.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even more importantly I find his statement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You will regret acting like this, I do have ways to make sure of&#xA;  that!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to be very concerning. I don't want to blow this out of proportion but make no mistake any average Jane or Joe with an ax to grind can make your life miserable with out resorting to violence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;You will regret acting like this&lt;/em&gt;&quot;  is probably a true statement for most arguments  but to say &quot;&lt;em&gt;I do have ways to make sure of that!&lt;/em&gt;&quot; is vengeful, and that's not good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically he has promised to make you pay.  This verbal threat combined with his continue poor treatment of you causes me great concern for you.  It is most likely that he only means to make you pay emotionally (id.he intends to emotionally abuse you) but emotional pain can be just as hard as physical pain to deal with.  And I'm sure you, like me, would prefer neither.  So why chance either.  He has told you what he intends to do and followed it up with action.  You should run.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is mostly likely in your best interest to stay away from him and any one connected to him, including her.  Don't say anything, since in his angery and bitter mind frame he will most likely twist anything you say into an insult.  Just disappear from their lives and make a new set of friends.  Preferably ones with a little more patience and forgiveness.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sometimes the thing we love the most is the thing we most need to sacrifice for our happiness.&quot; - paraphrased from Dr. Jordan Peterson. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry for your situation, good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T17:57:06.077" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T17:57:06.077" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7358" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-28T17:49:37.517" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can give you personal experience.  I was in a similar type of conversation with a coworker once, but I was in the place of your coworker.  I said something that my coworker took as being racist. (Though I didn't intend it to be).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My coworker simply said &lt;em&gt;&quot;This conversation is making me a little uncomfortable.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  That simple statement hit me like a ton of bricks.  I apologized immediately, my coworker and I were all good, and I learned a lesson that has stuck with me over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9495" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T17:49:37.517" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7360" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7331" CreationDate="2017-11-28T19:03:05.867" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I tried to apologize. Admittedly, I may have added a few &quot;but..&quot;'s at&#xA;  the time, I am not sure of how exactly I put it. I am not really sure&#xA;  if he ever realized it was an apology, because he was still very&#xA;  subtly nasty to me by ignoring me. I tried to reach out, but there was&#xA;  the point at which the wall of ice he had set up just was too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing about asking for forgiveness is that you regret your actions despite the other part actions were they right or wrong. It was &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; apologizing, that's up to them to accept or not, even if what they did was worse. when you added these &quot;buts...&quot; it may have sounded like you were apologizing only to point a finger on their wrongs and not a true apology. People can be too proud sometimes, so when apologizing be prepared not to be asked back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She loves him very much, but I would very much like to stay out of his&#xA;  sight forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid to say but as long as they are together, this one shall be a bit difficult. It could work on short-term but in the long-term those bad feelings on what happened would still be with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Our only contact is currently taking place via chat. I actually&#xA;  avoided meeting her on two occasions when I was in their area, even&#xA;  though I would have loved to see her again, because I worried she&#xA;  might bring him along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I approach her about my fears without her striking out at me&#xA;  for daring to have any mistrust towards her SO?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are too worried she might bring her him along, your best approach would be to contact her via chat. Tell her how you feel, that you would like to talk about what happened, that you value your relationship and would like to hang with her, but that you still have hard feelings on what happened and is worried that it might start another argument if you and her SO meet up again, even a little threatened by what he said, if she values the relationship as much as you do she should understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are he already moved on depending on how long it's been or how harsh it was but is too stubborn for an apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7886" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T19:03:05.867" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7315" CreationDate="2017-11-28T19:19:00.253" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming you're willing to host them, just set the boundaries in advance via email:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm happy to provide a bed/couch for you during your time here, but please understand that I cannot provide meals or other necessities unless we discuss them well in advance of the trip.  Further, I've already planned all my vacation time this year, so will still be working and doing normal household chores and other activities.  As such I probably won't be able to spend much time with you.  I'm happy to give you advice on what activities you might consider, and lend you the use of my kitchen to cook your own meals when you aren't eating out.  I'll have a few clearly marked foods you can use in a pinch, but again, if you need something more please discuss it in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, however, will have to make some accommodations - for instance when you do need alone time you may have to excuse yourself to your bedroom or a study so they don't assume that you're available because they see you reading a book or watching TV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T19:19:00.253" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7300" CreationDate="2017-11-28T19:21:46.373" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem is that you want your wife's parents to respect your time and plans which they currently do not appear to. Thus you want to convey that the rescheduling is disruptive but hopefully without ruining the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to go on the 2018 trip and don't make a scene for the sake of the relationship, then from their point of view they were right to assume that they can reschedule and expect that you'll just make it work, because that's what would happen: you'd make it work without too much fuss. Even if you tell them how annoyed you are they can dismiss it (from the description it sounds like something they would do) since in all really meaningful respects everything went according to their plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not going would of course convey the message strongly but carries the biggest relationship risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One compromise could be to agree to go, but make it clear (in a public discussion with as many other family members present) how and why this was disruptive to you and that you are doing everyone a favor by rearranging your initial plans, and that next time there is a high chance you won't go along with new plans unless the change is presented early and you are involved in the discussion. This seems like making a scene, but you pretty much have to, as right now you opinion is not viewed as important enough (you found out after everyone else, it seems) and you need to shake things up to jolt people into taking you seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also want other family to know, so that they are more reluctant to just accept changes on your behalf in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T19:21:46.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7349" CreationDate="2017-11-28T19:54:55.850" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're seeing him regularly in a social context, it doesn't require much more than:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So do you know anything about ex's new boyfriend? We haven't been introduced, so we don't really know if they're serious, but he's around enough that we notice him a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the discussion can be launched from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aren't hanging out or talking with him regularly, then you aren't really close enough to interject yourself into their relationship. I'm guessing this is probably the case since you're asking here about it.  If you were seeing them socially weekly the topic of their ex would probably come up many, many times given your location and their continued desire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful.  You don't appear to be omniscient, so your best bet is to ask exploratory questions, and try to avoid assuming anything or coming up with ideas or conclusions regardless of how much foundation you feel you have for them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T19:54:55.850" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7315" CreationDate="2017-11-28T19:57:43.137" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in Toronto, and this exact same situation occurs all the time with people who own cottages in the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.ca/search?q=muskoka&amp;amp;tbm=isch&amp;amp;tbo=u&amp;amp;source=univ&amp;amp;sa=X&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwimya6SguLXAhVCxYMKHQXeDggQsAQIbg&amp;amp;biw=1920&amp;amp;bih=900&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Muskokas&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is done is a form letter is written, and attached to the response to the request for an invite.  Often, if the cottage is also rented, this document is part of the rental contract.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically, they read something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hello,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's great to hear from you and we would be pleased to have you as our&#xA;guests on [DATES]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can probably imagine, we get a lot of guests, and we've found that the following information to be helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basic Rules - Food, Money, Quiet Times etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rules governing use of boats/Sports Equipment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What to Bring - Money, Food, Booze.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arrival Procedure&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Departure Procedure - Sheets in wash, vacuum bedrooms, Take garbage to the dump on the way home.&#xA;Travelog type info - You may enjoy...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it is a form letter, it is impersonal.  You can send it to your brother as an email attachment as &amp;quot;Something I've compiled for my many guests.&amp;quot; without it being seen as a slight.  They will read it, and the message will sink in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not uncommon in Ontario to be told to bring your own sheets.  Provide bed sizes if you do this (although maybe not as practical if they're flying.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8154" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T19:57:43.137" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7273" CreationDate="2017-11-28T20:44:25.887" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This doesn't always work, but it should if the person is talking about something that you and they are genuinely interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they say something like &quot;Did you know the SR-71 Blackbird can go Mach X.X?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respond with something like, &quot;Yeah and until it gets to flying temp, it leaks fuel like a sieve.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could keep going with something like, &quot;It's too bad they retired them, because..., don't you think?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that even though you already know what they are saying, you're still trying to keep them engaged in the conversation, without trying to take it over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, sometimes getting into a minor/friendly debate/banter can get you both to show each other your knowledge and thoughts.  Just try to stay away from the 1-2 syllable answers or the &quot;Yeah, I know&quot; answers.  If they peter out at some point, you can either switch to a different topic, or keep it as a &quot;here's some other cool stuff about X...&quot;, unless their interest fades out.  On the other hand, if they know vastly more than you do, you might want to try to maintain the &quot;wow , you know a lot of cool stuff about X, tell me more&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be tough to keep the conversation going, but if it's the right fit, it &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; work.  Then again, maybe this only works with nerds, IDK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3616" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T20:44:25.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7349" CreationDate="2017-11-28T21:26:18.600" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two assumptions you made that you need to be clear on before you tell Bill anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You assumed he doesn't know already know about his ex's new boyfriend. You say you thought this because of a Facebook post in which he talked about still being in love with her. He could very well already know and simply be ignoring the fact that she has moved on.    &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You also assumed your neighbor is okay with Bill knowing about her new relationship. Perhaps she isn't. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I don't know you or Bill or your neighbor, and perhaps your assumptions are actually facts that you know for a fact, in which case, follow the advice in BryanTurriff's answer, or another one. Otherwise, I think you'd better have a conversation with your neighbor first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Express happiness for her that she has found someone new, and that you think she and Bill will be better off separated in the long run. Ask if Bill knows about the relationship yet, and if he doesn't, ask if it would be okay to let him know because you think it will help him move on. If she says no, she doesn't want him to know, or no, she wants to talk to him about it herself, then leave it alone. It's her own business. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9510" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T21:26:18.600" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7371" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-28T18:05:56.537" Score="16" ViewCount="2555" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been using DNA testing to supplement my genealogical research and have made the rather startling discovery that the man whom I knew as my paternal grandfather was not in fact my father's biological father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I first tested myself and my father on 23andme, with the expected result that my father was my biological father. I then tested my paternal grandmother, again with the expected result that she was my father's biological mother. However, when I started exploring my father's non-maternal matches, I could not tie any of them into my grandfather's side of my tree. This was when I started suspecting a non-paternal event of some type.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently became confident in my suspicions when my cousin (my father's niece) uploaded her AncestryDNA results to gedmatch. She matched as expected to my father's maternal phasing, but not at all to his paternal phasing. Additionally, she matched strongly to a third cousin on my (non-biological) grandfather's side of the family, so I think I can rule out another non-paternal event in her ancestry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By researching the trees of some of the genetic matches to my father and finding crossover, I believe I have a good theory on who his biological father might actually be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both non-biological and potential biological grandfathers are deceased.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe my father has the right to know that his biological father is not the man he knew as his father, but how do I tell him? Do I tell him privately or with the rest of my family present? Do I prepare a presentation to try to prove it if he is resistant to the idea? Do I tell him my theory on who I believe to be his biological father?  Do I contact the biological father's other family?  Also, my paternal grandmother is still alive but suffering from dementia - do I bring this up with her, especially assuming it was a secret she may never have wanted to be revealed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father's father was not his biological father. How do I approach bringing this up with my family?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9575" OwnerDisplayName="Blamking" LastEditorUserId="18715" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T09:06:48.737" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T09:06:48.737" Title="How do I reveal to my father that his father is not his biological father?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;grandparents&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-28T22:17:55.773" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I hear stupid hateful things at work I often don't bother to say anything. I just raise an eyebrow, shake my head, and walk away. My general way of indicating &quot;what you just said was so awful I'm not going to dignify it with a response&quot; Most people seem to get the idea that what they just said was inappropriate and drop it. After a few of these disapproving looks they tend to stop telling me their hateful jokes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also seems to work well with older people, particularly people who tend to be polite under normal circumstances and are just a &lt;em&gt;product of their time.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only times this strategy didn't seem to work was in situations with more than a couple racists in the same setting... When several racists get together and exchange jokes and terrible stories there's little to be done about it. They reenforce each other's hateful views and things often escalate to whole new levels. If you find yourself in this kind of situation at work, it may be time to vote with your feet and look for a new job. I say this from experience, when a company culture is toxic enough that racists feel comfortable having little hate sessions complaining about it to management probably isn't going to end well for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T22:17:55.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-28T22:41:48.327" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Doing nothing is dangerous.&lt;/strong&gt; You have options- and none of them are perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The by-the-book responses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Report it to HR &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Report it to your boss or his/her boss&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask clarifying questions - hope they see that even if they don't think they did anything wrong - they know you think s/he did&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Say &quot;that is so enlightening&quot; - that often goes over their head. I use it all time in social settings when some will see what I did. Others won't.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Call them out, either directly or say you heard that on The Archie Bunker Show. (Not every option is for every situation, especially this last one.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9512" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-11-28T23:17:51.227" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T23:17:51.227" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7374" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-28T23:00:29.160" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Give nothing to racism&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The New Zealand Government recently ran a PSA campaign encouraging people to give nothing to racism. You can see their ad here: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9n_UPyVR5s&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9n_UPyVR5s&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Allowing racist rhetoric to be said without being challenged, allows racisim to grow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A strong, but neutral response would be &quot;That sounds racist, and is inappropriate, I don't want to hear anything more like that&quot; and then leave it there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would escalate that to your manager if they continue - because that kind of talk is totally unacceptable in the workplace. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9516" LastActivityDate="2017-11-28T23:00:29.160" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7375" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7371" CreationDate="2017-11-29T00:00:57.363" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;People tend to leap to &amp;quot;infidelity&amp;quot; to explain this sort of situation, and it's certainly a common reason, but there are several other reasons why a woman might have a child whose DNA doesn't match her husband's. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Misleading DNA results: see e.g. the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lydia_Fairchild&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Lydia Fairchild case&lt;/a&gt;. It's hard to know how common such errors are, since most cases of chimerism probably go undetected.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Husband was infertile, and they agreed to use a sperm donor (whether via old- or new-fashioned methods).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rape.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the true explanation in your case is #1, it will be almost impossible to confirm that and hard to explain to family members who have a simplified understanding of how DNA works - you may end up damaging the reputation of somebody who is entirely innocent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's #2 or #3, dragging it out in the open is likely to traumatise everybody involved for no tangible benefit. Most people are relatively relaxed about surrogacy-type arrangements these days, but for older generations that can still be a massive secret.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something else to consider...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then tested my paternal grandmother, again with the expected result&#xA;that she was my father's biological mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;my paternal grandmother is still alive but suffering from&#xA;dementia&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did you obtain your grandmother's informed consent before testing her DNA?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering her dementia, was she &lt;em&gt;capable&lt;/em&gt; of understanding the possible implications of DNA testing, as required to give informed consent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer to either of those is &amp;quot;no&amp;quot;, you should seriously consider the ethical (and perhaps legal?) implications of releasing any information that rests on her test results, especially where that information could be harmful to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she did understand that DNA testing can reveal information about parentage - and consented to it nevertheless - then perhaps she didn't believe she had anything to hide, which might be relevant to how you interpret this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it were me, I'd let it rest. I doubt it's going to do anybody any good to air this; if you do decide you need to tell your father, definitely do it in private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8568" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T00:00:57.363" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7371" CreationDate="2017-11-29T01:30:25.560" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;The earlier answer by @Geoffrey Brent is technically absolutely correct. May I only add from the interpersonal aspect (pardon my being so frank, but the situation calls for it) that it would be highly unethical of you to go ahead on your own initiative and break any such unsolicited life-changing information to your father, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;and probably very hurtful as well.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I believe my father has the right to know that his biological father is not the man he knew as his father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is a unilateral and potentially dangerous assumption, which you can validly make &lt;strong&gt;only if&lt;/strong&gt; your father comes to know of your research and explicitly asks you about his biological parentage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can you be sure your father wants to know?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't do it. That is the only honest answer I can give you (and in good conscience could not &lt;em&gt;avoid&lt;/em&gt; posting, in case you hadn't thought of this aspect) although you asked &quot;how to do it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Parentage is a very serious and &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; sensitive matter, and your father will not thank you for giving him this huge psychological shock which can change his life, affect his whole self-image and make him a very unhappy person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you feel the need to unburden yourself of this secret? But that is unfortunately what can  happen if you go testing your family's DNA, and possibly without their legally valid consent as noted by @Geoffrey Brent. Please consider the consequences. You cannot tell anybody without risking your father finding out, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;and it could seriously damage your personal relationship with your father.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your father asks you point-blank and convinces you that he &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; wants to know about his biological parentage, &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; you might consider telling him, but strictly in private with nobody else present. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise keep it to yourself, your father doesn't need to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T19:10:48.517" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T19:10:48.517" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7378" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7371" CreationDate="2017-11-29T02:24:28.613" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This goes against my better judgment in that I think you most definitely should not say anything about this, but I'm going to offer advice on how to do it.  First of all, ask yourself: what do you hope to have anyone gain by this?  Approach this from that vantage point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You make the assumption that he doesn't already know about it.  That needs to be found out.  Otherwise you are dragging up something that you he already knew about and kept quiet.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Grandmother's dementia most likely means that you won't get any kind of truthful answer out of her.  Depending on the severity of the dementia, she may think you are someone else, she may just not remember, or she may remember something that never happened.  I wouldn't approach her. You may not even get consistent responses out of her, depending on her lucidity at the moment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You only bring up things with the rest of the family present when you are doing an intervention.  Think about it: how would you feel if everyone were gathered around when your son told you that your mother slept around?  How would you feel?  Also, what do you hope to do by bringing the other chap's family into this?  I can't see that having a positive note there either, especially if there's no proof.  So leave the other family alone.  This is long in the past and should stay there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way I can see to do this is to meet with your father privately.  Explain to him what happened - you had a DNA test done, and the results were not what you expected.  Watch your father's reaction.  Keep in mind that this may destroy his feelings about his parents, so you are on very unstable ground here.  If it even looks like he may not want to discuss this further, then WALK AWAY and say nothing more.  Be prepared for him not wanting to speak to you ever again.  Think about this - how would you want to find out that your father wasn't your father?  What would your reaction be?  Your father's reaction will most likely be similar.  Only discuss what are facts - you had the test done, and the results were what they were.  Your theories at this point will only toss more gas on the fire.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this is done, say nothing about this to anyone - ever.  This is not your story to tell publicly.  I would find this incredibly embarrassing if it were me and would not want my mother's reputation/memory challenged in this fashion, especially if she's not able to defend herself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T02:24:28.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7379" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7406" CreationDate="2017-11-29T03:41:59.360" Score="9" ViewCount="4247" Body="&lt;p&gt;My small group of friends regularly meets once a year to catch up and hang out. We have a long history together and are geographically scattered these days so it's a big deal to get together like this. In the past we've occasionally had other friends join in the gathering and it's always a little awkward because they end up feeling left out. So we generally keep it to just the core group + significant others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the problem: shortly before the previous gathering my friend Bob broke up with his long-time significant other Alice. We still invited Alice because everyone felt weird about excluding her all of a sudden and it was... okay. Again, just a little awkward because she ended up being left out a bit. But now it's time to plan the next gathering and the Alice question is coming up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in charge of hosting these events, so I really like to keep them small and focus on the core group. I don't want Alice to end up invited by default, and I'm worried that if I just don't invite her but she just mentions the annual gathering to one of us they'll extend her an invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still want to be friends with Alice, I just don't want her at this event. How do I deal with this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other complications/details&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm pretty antisocial. I don't like big parties and being forced to be around people I don't want around. This is a multi-day gathering with little privacy and lots of together time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Alice is also pretty antisocial and doesn't have many close friends. But she's been coming to these events for years. I'm pretty sure she would come if invited.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob has moved on and is dating, their chemistry is not a concern here&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Alice has a new boyfriend. I'm pretty sure she would want him to come if she does, and I especially don't want such a person to come since he has even less of a connection with the core group&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9525" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T21:59:33.637" Title="How to uninvite a friend from a regular gathering?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7383" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7273" CreationDate="2017-11-29T04:47:37.380" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Interrupt and finish (or continue) the next part of their story yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying &quot;I already know that&quot; is dismissive, implying you don't want to hear any more (and shaming the error of their assumptions). But joining in on the telling of the story isn't necessarily dismissive. It can be more of a shared story retelling experience, where you can each communicate your own unique perspective on (or response to) the facts/events. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is still to communicate that you already share some of the knowledge, just not in such a blunt way. A similar option is to jump in with a question that shows you already have more shared knowledge than they had assumed but also shows you are still interested in hearing something on the matter from their perspective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In effect you are trying to skip the conversation forward (perhaps continuing deeper than it otherwise would have gotten) instead of trying to prevent it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9530" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T04:47:37.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7384" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-29T05:53:50.300" Score="6" ViewCount="1120" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend Alice. We often text every day from the moment she wakes up till I sleep (time difference, not constantly because we have work, school etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We do send voice messages and videos occasionally. However, when I suggest a voice or video call, she gets very shy and refuses unless it is a special day like a birthday or anniversary and even then it is only voice calls, we had a video call like once over the course of about a year of long-distance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like help on any ways I could persuade her to be more open to calls?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've asked her why refused, and she always says that it's not a good time, or she's too shy. I've met her twice. She's not concerned about makeup, but she does have body image issues. Sometimes she even refuses to send me a picture because she feels fat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice is about 19 and her native language isn't the same as mine, but I can speak it with relative fluency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried telling her everything I felt and my point of view rather than just trying to convince her that calls are OK. Surprisingly after hearing that I would take it badly if she kept this barrier and what I think about having no calls she agreed to arrange a weekly call. Of course she said to try it out and she isn't 100% for it, I guess she's showing consideration to how I feel about calls and she's making an effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks all for the advice, I guess my approach was wrong all along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-07-05T17:19:51.377" LastActivityDate="2019-07-05T17:19:51.377" Title="How to ask for calls and deal with my SO's reluctance to calling?" Tags="&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;online-relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7385" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7349" CreationDate="2017-11-29T06:36:53.097" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;From experience I can say that it is in your best interest to stay out of it.  It typically will fly back and smack you in the middle of the face.  You'll be the bad guy, both could wind up blaming and hating you for causing trouble.  You have to continue to live next door to the woman.  Really, just stay out of it.  Don't be a nosy trouble making neighbor. Privacy: They're adults.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9535" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T06:36:53.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-29T08:32:42.990" Score="4" Body="&lt;h3&gt;You could also just stay silent in response.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Silence can be pretty deafening if used appropriately, and this might be such a case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I don't think what you did was a bad idea either. This is just another option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T08:32:42.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-29T09:27:10.660" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Option number one is also viable as a direct call out, but I'd suggest using less aggressive words, for example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's a very stereotyping statement, isn't it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you point out directly that his behavior is not okay, but don't sound too accusing (like 'you racist!') which would make him defensive and less likely to think about if there is something wrong with his behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="220" LastEditorUserId="9410" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T10:41:43.810" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T10:41:43.810" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7037" CreationDate="2017-11-29T09:43:03.293" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in the both sides of this kind of relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the side of him/her, I was feeling needy, like if I was bothering him/her, as if I had no value and as if he was doing it due to pity or charity. Asking you something is just finding an excuse to get in touch with you (creating herself a need for doing this, she might find the strength to overcome her issues).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On your side, if you want to change the state of your relationship, since you've take all the initiatives since then, you can do it one last time. I did it when I was in your situation, I have asked to see the other one in a quiet place. First I told how I find him/her (smart, entertaining, interesting, full of wisdom, whatever), what was my feeling about the current state of the relationship (it's important to keep your comments subjective, 'I think'/'I feel'/'To me') and lastly tell what you expect from this relationship. It might be hard for both of you, but it will straighten the things but if you think it worth it, go for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4531" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T09:45:05.487" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T09:45:05.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7390" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-29T10:08:20.593" Score="2" ViewCount="872" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is this couple of friends with which I think I and my partner have been in quite good relations over the years:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;they helped us moving&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;we had their toddler at home while they were going to a party to enjoy some alone time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;we had quite often dinner/lunch together (more often at our place than at their, though, about 5:1 ratio)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;we sometimes baked cookies for their child, who loves them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They told us they are going to move to another city, and invited us for dinner before their move. The first time we agreed on the date (3-4 weeks in advance), but they never told us the time. When we casually met them after the supposed day, they mentioned they forgot about the dinner and renewed the invitation, stating &quot;we must have dinner together, since we are not going to meet any more&quot; (again 3-4 weeks before the date). Also this time they &quot;forgot&quot; to tell us the time for the dinner and there was no dinner. Then they relocated. We had some chat about the relocation but they never mentioned the missed dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That &quot;we are not going to meet any more&quot; sounded strange to my hear. Yes, they are moving to another city, but it is less than 1 hour driving from where we live and their parents still live here, so it's not like they are moving to the other side of the globe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I check if they are really seeking to shut down the friendship or were simply overwhelmed with relocation preparation and forgot following their agenda?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background info&lt;/strong&gt;: they are the kind of people overly obsessed with agenda and scheduling, at least that's what we saw during our friendship. That's why we had to plan with large advance. &#xA;We felt awkward in reminding about the dinner both times, we didn't want to sound pushy as we know that relocation time is not really a stress free time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9546" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T10:17:56.737" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T05:18:33.627" Title="How to find out if a friendship is really being shut down?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7391" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7390" CreationDate="2017-11-29T11:29:10.363" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;While it is good to have friends, you cannot live your life around other people. True friends naturally gravitate to one another without too much effort and worry. If you're left wondering whether or not someone is a friend or not, this is perhaps one you could do without.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this couple were always going to be on the periphery of your social circle going off the somewhat one-sided invitations, cancellations, and now this seeming brush-off. I'm sure they aren't bad people. Some folk just aren't that willing to let new people into their existing social circles; others are more tied up with family matters and don't seem to need friendships as much as some other people do. One other thing that strikes me is that they said &quot;we are not going to meet any more&quot; when you 'casually' met them - did they perhaps just mean that you are not going to bump into each other in the street anymore? That isn't the same as &quot;goodbye forever&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it is possible to directly answer your question of 'how to check..' in a simple soundbite. I believe the answer is to stop worrying about it and perhaps widen your social circle to include others. Let 'close' friends emerge naturally over time. And you know it isn't a bad thing to have peripheral friends - putting all your efforts into maintaining one friendship, especially when it may not be reciprocated, is tiring and can lead to disappointment. Having a wider social circle gives you more options if you are super sociable. If you still hope to maintain some friendship with this couple just make sure they have your contact details and leave the ball in their court. Don't expect too much and then you can only be pleasantly surprised rather than disappointed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T11:29:10.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7087" CreationDate="2017-11-29T11:44:55.247" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can tell you what I did when I was in exactly that same situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After about 3 month I really wanted to know if we where a couple or not. I just realized then, that I was at a point where I did´t want to go on casual as I felt more and more emotionally exposed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I asked her (on the phone) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you want to go forward or cancel this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She answered:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I have to decide this now, then no!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you want to have your stuff  back? Should I bring it over or send it to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(some CD´s etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Will we be friends then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Maybe, but for then next few months probably not, because this would be to emotionally expensive for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I brought the stuff over to her. The moment I walked trough her door, it was clear that she would not let me go. We have been a couple ever since (12 years ago) and happily married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for me it's:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Honesty, even to the point where it hurts.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clearly communicating wants and needs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then deal with what´s in the cards. You know the German saying: &lt;em&gt;Besser ein Ende mit Schrecken als eine Schrecken ohne Ende!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T11:55:51.200" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T11:55:51.200" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7393" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7371" CreationDate="2017-11-29T11:48:33.953" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;There seems to be no way to tell him but the direct approach. Your grandmother's dementia makes it perhaps a bad idea to ask her. What about your mother - could you speak to her about it? Remember you may only be discovering something they already know about - if your father has confided in anyone wouldn't it be your mother? She may know what best to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said this, it does seem to me (although I'm no expert) that your evidence is only circumstantial. You don't have your grandfather's DNA. You assume that the disparity between your father and his other paternal relatives means your dad is the one not related to his father - but could it not be the other relatives you tested who were not related?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are lots of arguments for and against following up your theory. The decision is yours, but obviously with your grandfather already deceased the window for discovering the truth and anyone that wishes to act on it is closing with the passing of time. It is possible your father could take the 'news' badly - it is also possible that it may explain things that have troubled him his entire life but never spoken of. There may be something important in his 'real' family's medical history that could save his life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T11:48:33.953" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7384" CreationDate="2017-11-29T12:23:16.867" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;All relationships needs to progress. In a 'traditional' relationship you would perhaps start out as friends, the occasional date, then more regular dates, spending extended periods of time together... you get the idea. A long-distance relationship needs its own benchmarks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where do you see the relationship going? If you are still in education then perhaps you have some barriers that mean this is it for the next x number of years. But do you talk about getting together after that? You both need to think and talk about what 'steps' you would take before then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you are both on the same page and you see the relationship going somewhere then agree what the next 'step' is. This is your opportunity to express your desire to talk more, rather than text. If you really care about this girl, reassure her over her hangups - that you like her voice, enjoy speaking to her, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does sound like you are putting a lot of energy into this relationship. Texting can take up more time than a real conversation. It feels like you've talked for hours, but read back your conversation and often it doesn't seem like you've covered much ground in retrospect. You have good reason to want to move things along a level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T12:23:16.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7315" CreationDate="2017-11-29T12:42:47.063" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in London but most of my family is in the US, and I have friends all over Europe, so I get this all the time (if it's not my family or my friends it's my family's friends or my friend's family).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be transactional. You're giving them a place to stay - the terms and conditions are the things you said in your question. I would literally forward them a link to your question (or do what others have said and draw up a document that covers these same points). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would differ from what some of the others have said in the approach. You don't need to tell them how much money to bring, for example, and if they tell you they need to borrow some (and it isn't because something clearly extraordinary has happened) just say no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also don't make up excuses. Be honest and upfront to begin with. You're not doing anyone any favours by pretending to feel differently. Don't worry too much about hurting their feelings - they'll be fine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally try to put two of the things you said in context: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I find the expectation that I will spend whatever free time I have with them rather stressful.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I currently live in a desirable locale which is a world-famous vacation spot. Suddenly, I have a lot of friends and they want to visit me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They aren't coming to spend time with you specifically - they are going to a world famous vacation spot where you happen to live. They probably feel the same obligation to spend time with you that you do with them - more or less. Obviously they are in recreation mode so are feeling more sociable but they would probably feel rude if they didn't invite you along whenever they could. Again by being upfront you are doing everyone a favour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9555" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T12:42:47.063" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-29T13:12:05.090" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two aspects to the question about how to respond to such a comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One the one hand, challenging the person will do damage to your relationship to a coworker.  Nobody likes to be challenged, and people rarely change their world view based on a single challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One the other hand, letting the comment pass with no negative response will likely leave your coworker with the feeling that he &quot;scored a point&quot;.  That will increase the chance of his making another similar comment to you or to other coworkers.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to understand that most people who engage in insulting humor do so out of the sense that they gain &quot;social capital&quot; by doing that.  For comparison purposes,  there were a lot of Polish jokes and blond jokes making the rounds years ago.  Most of the people who told such jokes had nothing against Poles or blondes.  They were just convenient targets.  Once a person gets enough negative feedback for telling such jokes, they generally move on to some different behavior, unless they are really hung up on the issue in question.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Calling someone a racist is nearly always counterproductive.  The people who do that all the time are about as divisive as the racists are.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I might have done is to say something like &quot;I don't think that's very funny.&quot;  and let it go at that.  If the guy gets the word that saying things like that gets him negative social capital,  that will be a powerful incentive to get him to change.  If he continues to escalate,  you make have to become more direct in your response.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to point out that there are a lot of things wrong with your coworker's comment aside from the racist tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, millions of Africans are from countries that used to be colonies of the British Empire.  As citizens of the British Commonwealth,  they have the right to migrate to England,  and many do.  London today is more multiracial than many American cities. Most of them a quite a bit more African in appearance than Meghan.  They do, however, speak English with a British accent that makes my English sound very foreign by comparison.  Yours too, probably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second,  the public social safety net in England is quite a bit more extensive than the one in Illinois.  People get free (gratis) medical care and university tuition in England, and these benefits extend to the middle class as well as poor people.  I am sure they have something that would make Link cards look paltry by comparison.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, Britain was not always as free from racism as it is today.  If you go back a century or so,  The US Armed forces were integrated  (they were resegregated later), while the British kept non white colonial in separate fighting forces.  Beginning at the end of World War Two,  England has gone through a profound remaking of its views on race and ethnicity.  Meanwhile the US has been doing two steps forward and one step back.  In the US,  animosity towards &quot;those people&quot; is fed by economic despair,  and the feeling that, if they win, we lose.  That's true whether &quot;those people&quot; are of another race, or are immigrants, or are even from another part of the US.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck with your coworker.  Hopefully, you will leave the world better than you found it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9560" LastEditorUserId="8073" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T07:34:45.547" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T07:34:45.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7349" CreationDate="2017-11-29T13:27:15.073" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are lots of things that could go wrong here. You should first seriously consider whether or not your &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; tell him before you go onto &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; to tell him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is a calm person, the news might help him to heal and move on. There may be some emotional outburst initially, but many people would be helped by this in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand he really may go to pieces. However it could still be argued that it is better for him to hear it in a controlled environment (ie from a friend, over a beer, whatever) rather than some other time and place where it could be more embarrassing or harmful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A previous answer has suggested you should not get involved - and that could be good advice; except he may eventually hear from somebody else anyway, and as you live next door to the woman it might make him question your loyalty as a friend (ie &quot;why didn't you tell me?&quot;). As his friend, only you can gauge all this really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having considered all of the above and deciding that you need to tell him, an approach you could take is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bill, there is something I think you should know about. I have really&#xA;  thought long and hard over this, I wasn't sure if it was any of my&#xA;  business, but I wouldn't want you hearing from somebody else and then&#xA;  questioning my loyalty to you. We have noticed that your ex may have a&#xA;  new partner. I hope I did the right thing letting you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm honest, this is really nothing more than a lot of disclaimers to try and get across that you genuinely want to help him, not get into his business. If you are going to use this, be sure that you mean it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T13:40:31.313" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T13:40:31.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7398" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7390" CreationDate="2017-11-29T13:31:01.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two things I usually do, with casual friends:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If invited, I try to get a fixed date. If the other person is evasive, it was only a nicety. Also no harm in calling them a few days before an agreed date and ask if the appointment still stands and what time you should meet.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I try to invite the other person. If the they say sure but they can´t agree on a date right now, I know they don´t want to.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat this ~3 times over a few months and if each time I get a negative result, I know they are not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a really good friend, I´d recommend a honest and open conversation. Just ask if they want to remove themselves from you or if this is just appears that way because they have a lot of thing going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, the beauty in friendship is that you don´t always have to define it. Just relax and let them breathe a little bit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have one friend who moved 500 miles away. We only see each other once a year, and hardly ever communicate in between. But when we do see each other, it´s like he was never gone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another, very close friend became quite unresponsive and pretty much separated himself from me. I just let him be and now, some years down the road he is kind of coming back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if it does not bug you too much, consider just letting the friendship stay in an undefined state and in the near future, don't worry about going out of your way to involve them in plans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T05:18:33.627" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T05:18:33.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-29T13:37:07.093" Score="-4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this specific case I would counter directly and assertively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are you talking about? Are you dumb? Don't you know how&#xA;  successful an actress Meghan Markle is? By now she has probably made&#xA;  more money then you and me combined.....in a lifetime.&#xA;  No I don't think they will need a Link card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably have made the remark &quot;Are you dumb?&quot; but with a big smile. Or replaced it with: &quot;Do you actually know who Meghan Markle is?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2697" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T13:37:07.093" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7400" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7405" CreationDate="2017-11-29T14:08:20.810" Score="3" ViewCount="1095" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had this friend for a while, whom I'd describe as a &quot;very close stranger&quot;. &#xA;Since we live kinda far apart from each other and have absolutely no common acquaintances etc., it's easy to share all sorts of things with each other. I know all about her weird quirks, secrets, family, friends and work, but have never met any of them and vice-versa. We meet maybe once or twice a year for lunch or dinner, but write/phone about once a week (it's actually mostly less emotions and more problem-solving oriented). &#xA;It might be similar to a two-way therapist relationship without any of us being a therapist and there is a lot of trust in each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've helped each other over the years proof-reading papers and theses from a non-specialized point of view, so I'm well aware of her writing style and skills, which I consider is kinda ornate for the academic field. I absolutely have no understanding of her professional field though, so I'm not ruling out the possibility that scientist in this field write different than in mine. (I myself am probably just average myself as well, upper average at best.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She gave me a call the other day in tears and totally enraged. She just handed in her PHD thesis and apparently it got trashed. Her advisor, whom she hasn't been getting along with since the beginning anyway, judged it lacked in many things, among them scientific writing quality. She obviously doesn't agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was kinda in a loss at what to do in this situation. I haven't read her work this time (didn't have the time to), but from the way she talks and past writing, I do think there's a realistic chance that at least in this point her advisor might have a point. I feared telling her that could have make her explode, she was already very upset. So in the end I just said kinda mirrored her opinion on her advisor and the situation (advisor is an ass and of course her work is good). But I felt kinda guilty because I didn't indicate that there might be actually something wrong. She said others have read it and if the language was insufficient, somebody would have pointed it out. From how she describes her other friends, I doubt that though cause they seem rather meek and she's a rather dominant character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;em&gt;I only know her from her interactions with me. I have the impression she's not as uncensored/real with others. So she could actually be much more reserved with others.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She really believes her work is more than sufficient and compared it to a colleague's work (different advisor though), who got the title. On the other hand, her advisor is a professor (duh) and I suppose he should know better than her? Or, since she is &quot;just a very close stranger&quot;, is it maybe not my problem to deal with and keeping silent and giving her a shoulder to cry on was perfectly what was to be expected?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9564" LastEditorUserId="3" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T17:54:00.850" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T17:54:00.850" Title="How to judge if somebody needs advise or just a shoulder to cry on?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-11-29T19:37:09.987" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7400" CreationDate="2017-11-29T14:18:16.450" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Part of being a good friend is speaking the truth, even when that truth hurts. God knows that my best friends have pointed out some dumb decisions of mine on more than one occasion, and not only has this benefited me, but our friendship has grown stronger for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean that you can't be diplomatic about it, however you shouldn't feel like you can't speak your mind to her. If that's the case, then you're not really friends at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During that first interaction, when she's simply upset, sure, you can be the &quot;shoulder to cry on&quot;, and simply listen. However, once the initial shock has passed (whether it be hours, or days later), I would have a little chat with her. Start by reinforcing that you care for her, then dig into the heart of the matter:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Listen, you know I care for you, and I've been there for you over the years. I'm really sorry that you're going through this right now, and this is going to sound a little harsh, but maybe your professor has a point.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then speak your piece. If she chooses to cut ties with you over it, then move on with your life, and let that be the end of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T14:24:14.157" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T14:24:14.157" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-29T14:34:34.403" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lets look at it rationally. Saying &quot;I won't use it&quot; does it:&#xA;Do you gain or lose anything: No, you don't gain anything from being rude&#xA;Does she gain or lose anything: Yes, her feelings will be hurt and she will feel terrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say: &quot;Sure, we'll keep in touch&quot;&#xA;Do you gain or lose anything: No, you don't lose anything from being polite.&#xA;Does she gain or lose anything: Yes, she gains something by thinking you are friends (Kinda crummy to lie, but better overall?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say you will keep in touch, and then chat once or twice a year:&#xA;Do you gain or lose anything: Yes, you gain from keeping a friend and a business &#xA;     contact, while losing an insignificant amount of time. You can also feel&#xA;      Good that you've helped another person feel good about themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does she gain or lose anything: Yes, she gains confidence and can feel good about herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I feel your best option is to actually stay in touch, it's no burden to you to speak to someone a few times a year, and all parties benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9216" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T14:34:34.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6982" CreationDate="2017-11-29T14:45:52.770" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, this is a good one! I have to say that I used to play a lot! I was bullied in high school so all I did was playing games. World of WarCraft, especially, because I really liked the story behind it and it made me feel good when my parents bought me a WarCraft book and I could read it, because you actually felt connected to those characters, you know that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day my parents told me that I am addicted. We argued a bit and I was afraid, because I felt terrible after the fight, so I agreed with their opinion. Now, about 4 years later, I am looking back and telling myself that I am grateful for my parents stepping in, even though I hated them for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a really huge problem when your kids play games. Why? Because sometimes it is okay for them to control that, but sometimes it is not. It is parents' job to analyze it and decide how to proceed. You can be wrong, you can be right, but you can't stand there and just ... let things happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would start with consulting this issue with them. Ask them why are they playing so much. Maybe they know it, which would be the better case and you would be able to have a conversation about it. If they don't, however, I would tell them they can't play so much, because it is not healthy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it would not work out, I would just do it, cause it is the case when I had told them. They have to see who is the father and who is the one making calls. But be careful, they must see the reason behind your action. I would tell them again why you turned off the power for the weekend. &quot;Guys, we are going for a trip this weekend!&quot; etc. In case of gaming, try to be proactive instead of reactive. Changing a child's schedule who is playing 8 hours a day is really painful, sometimes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sometimes people are blind and they don't understand the reason behind the action of someone else. Being you I would have a conversation with the wife, because she bought them the game. I am not saying I am blaming her, I am saying that because of her action buying the game you need her help to do something about your children' time spent playing games. If a mother allows something and father does not, there will be a big problem. You might talk to your children with your wife, which would be much better than talking to them alone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say &quot;Not right now, dad!&quot; it is not right. You are their father. For them, you are the best father ever. They might not say it, they might say it, it does not matter. You just are. And you have to realize that you have a responsibility for their upbringing. You know what is best for your kids. Are you sure they should not play that much? Stop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, games are really great, but you should be aware that they shouldn't use it as an exit from reality. Do you want to turn off for a while? Why not, if you like games, but don't screw your school up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not saying computer games are bad, I am also not saying computer games are good... it is just too complex... I would, however, make a weekly plan and see how they are doing in school and other stuff outside the school. I think we should never let our kids spend all the time at computers, especially when you can't talk to them at dinner, which is really, really bad. If it happens, you have to make them stop playing for a while. Gaming world is not for children, because this way you are loosing the ability to shape their growing up. This is my opinion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9571" LastEditorUserId="9571" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T16:22:52.053" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T16:22:52.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7400" CreationDate="2017-11-29T14:55:26.793" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion when someone is upset and emotional about something, it's (almost) never a good a idea to confront them with something they disagree with on the same subject. They will most likely get defensive or don't want to talk to you on the subject anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So listen and be supportive when someone calls you and they're upset. You don't have to go along with name-calling the other subject in question (the teacher in this case). A simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand what you're going through! Professors can be really strict and have their own set of rules. It's really annoying to deal with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in my opinion you handled it correctly, be the shoulder to cry on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the next steps. Measure if the subject is still too sensitive if it isn't: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to tell her the professor might be right, but that he's making the rules and however hard it is, if she wants to finish the PHD, she has rules to comply to. If you'd like, you can also offer help to work through the feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is still too sensitive then simply ask what her next steps are and if you can help with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3585" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T14:55:26.793" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7379" CreationDate="2017-11-29T15:15:34.280" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a few nuanced things here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Is it up to you to make the decision for the group?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're trying to prevent &lt;em&gt;others&lt;/em&gt; from inviting Alice if they want to; based on your own personal desire to keep the group small.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is cause for friction between you and your friends, regardless of Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention that you're now hosting, and are therefore inclined to not invite Alice, but there is a &lt;strong&gt;massive&lt;/strong&gt; difference between a hosted party, and a recurring meetup of friends that takes place in each other's home. The difference is that in the second case, the participants generally don't defer to a host, but rather choose to meet up as equals (in terms of event planning).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are your friends deferring to you because you are the host? Do you defer to them when they are the host?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is the first thing you need to address. There's no objective answer, it very much depends on your friend circle, and possibly your local culture.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not assumed to be in charge of the party (as the host), then you don't get to tell your friends to not invite Alice. They can invite her if they want to (an IPS approach suggests that the friend would ask everyone else first, but this may be skipped due to Alice's earlier invitations).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are assumed to be in charge of the party (as the host), then you are free to not invite Alice (though your friends may disagree with your decision). Your friends should also check in with you before extending an invitation with Alice. In the end, you have the final say; but remember that the others may dislike your decision and you can't control their reaction to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Is Alice a friend? Or was she always a +1?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes a huge difference. In most friend circles, partners of friends are generally invited by default; but their invitation hinges on being the partner of a friend. This means that when they break up with the friend, that they are no longer included.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it's perfectly possible that Alice started off as a +1, but grew closer to your friends and is now deemed a full-fledged member of your circle of friends.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Several of my close friends started off as a +1, and it'd be horribly rude for me to always consider them &quot;inferior&quot; to a &quot;true&quot; friend. At some point, they migrate from a +1 to a direct friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't answer this for you. If others in your friend circle consider Alice a direct friend, then they may not like you excluding Alice.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If, however, your friend circle unanimously considers Alice as a +1, then people should generally agree that Alice is not required at the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Is there precedent in your friend circle about inviting others?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it allowed? Is it frowned upon? This is specific to your group of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, one couple in my circle of friends (who generally host the party) have no issues with us inviting others (within reason), but do object if they are expecting to eat dinner with us (because that changes the food planning).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Everyone in our friend circle agrees with that rule. If there is an impact on the food prep, the host gets to make the call. If there is no impact on food prep (e.g. someone who makes a brief appearance but doesn't stay), then they're always welcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to answer this, I can't answer it for you. But if your friend circle has established precedent for inviting others; then you'll generally be expected to follow the precedent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;To summarize&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the order of operations, as I see it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you are the host, and in charge of the party, then it's your call. However, with great power comes great responsibility: if you push to exclude Alice while others would like her to be present, that can end up causing friction between you and your friends. &lt;strong&gt;Exercise your prerogative as the host with caution.&lt;/strong&gt; As the host, I would still generally defer to the group, and not try to make the decision for them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you are not the host, then it's not up to you to make a group decision. The group should decide. Talk to them, see what they're thinking. Try to bring up the topic without immediately stating your intention to exclude her. Gauge your friends' reaction first. That way, you prevent coming across as a negative influence on what is supposed to be a positive social experience.  If the group is hesitant and not clearly leaning one way or the other, you can offer your doubts about adding another person onto the multi-day party. You'll only really get pushback if anyone has concrete objections (i.e. they really want Alice to be present). At that point, you have to respond based on that friend's objections; I can't answer that for you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the group decides to invite her, so be it. The group has spoken.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the group decides to not invite her; then anyone who afterwards decides they want to invite Alice anyway will have to get the group's consent. As a bonus, this takes the leg work out of your hands, assuming that the group has e.g. a group chat and doesn't just use you as their communication channel.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the group decides to invite her, you still have the option of flat out refusing to let Alice in your house. However, &lt;strong&gt;this is not an IPS approach&lt;/strong&gt;, and it will likely damage your friendships much more than when you had simply allowed Alice to join the party. If you push this, I'm expecting a pyrrhic victory.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T15:22:07.597" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T15:22:07.597" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7407" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-11-29T15:27:51.883" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can not fight intolerance with more intolerance&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This little pearl of wisdom comes from a friend of mine. Sorry for the story, but I think it will help make some sense of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I were being married, I ask my friend to be best man. He is black, my wife and I are white. I asked him because of all my friends (I don't have many) he is the one who I felt I could ask the most &quot;husband&quot; questions to. While other friends might judge or make small comments, I felt that he could be a great role model and source of advice for my marriage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the things we had to talk about very early on when planning the wedding was my now brother in law. My wife's, half sister's husband (to be exact). He is a racist dirt bag. One of those people that should at least know to keep their mouth shut but never do. The rest of my wife's family that I had met were fine, but this one guy... While my best man wasn't going to be the only non-white person there, all I could think of is the hate filled racist making a scene. Even my wife's family was in fear of this guy showing out. Every one from great-grand parents down warned him and more importantly my sister in law not to make a scene or say anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the day grew closer my now father in law, my best man, and a few other family members where all having a dinner together, just guys, and my father in law says something along the lines of &quot;Look, every family has problems, and our biggest one is going to be this racist little **** that married my daughter. I just want to apologize in advance, and if he gives you a hard time let us know and we will &quot;take care of him&quot;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend, without missing a beat says &quot;Thanks, but you can't fight intolerance by being intolerant. One of the great things about this country is freedom. And that means that he has to be free to be a racist, even if every one is thinking it is wrong. That said if he makes me or any of the other guests uncomfortable I will just ask him to leave, and if he doesn't then we can get everyone involved in getting him out of there.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later that night I asked him, &quot;You know you could just say that the brother in law can't come. No one would fight you on it. In fact that's basically what they wanted.&quot; He told me, that would do no good. How is someone ever going to learn, if never given the opportunity. If he never gets to see a black man in a good light, how would he ever learn. My friend went on to explain that there are two views that he could present. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Black people don't like you so don't come around them. They have just as much hate as you do. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Black people can't be all that bad. There was one at my sister in laws wedding. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of those two the later was the best. That &lt;strong&gt;people often make the mistake of trying to fight intolerance and hate with intolerance and hate. Instead people should lead by example.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give closure to the story, the brother in law decided not to come. But my wife's biological father (not a big part of her life, but we invited him anyway) ended up being a bit racist too. He (bio-dad) nearly shit a brick when he found out that we had instructed every one to give money and gifts to the best man, because he had keys to our house and was going to drop them off. Honestly it was one of the funniest moments of the wedding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It several years later now, and while the brother in law continues to be a minor sore in the side, the bio-dad isn't. He (bio-dad) my still be racist, but he keeps it to him self, and that's all you can really ask for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, my wife and I have become foster parents and we do care for children that are not our own race. To protect the children we don't allow racist comments or conversation in the house. That doesn't mean race isn't an allowed topic, but we try to teach that judging based on race, or hating based on race isn't useful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What it does mean is that we don't let the problematic brother in law around. The kids have enough to deal with, without having to deal with that at home. An arrangement that he hasn't had a problem with yet. So there is a line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Story over, back to your question.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does all that mean. Well you have to decide. You are entitled to a work place that you feel comfortable in. But you are not entitled to make this person feel or believe differently. There is a line, where you become so uncomfortable that it effects your work. If he crosses that line, then document it with HR and asked that he be removed to another team. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you may have done exactly the right thing. You mead it clear that you were not comfortable with the conversation, and he moved on. It may be upsetting, but your not going to change his opinion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="1712" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T01:00:55.587" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T01:00:55.587" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7315" CreationDate="2017-11-29T16:53:47.243" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My answer would be a mix of WoJ's and anongoodnurse's. &lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: The point is to have a range or tiers of responses, and have responses prepared for those tiers of visitors ahead of time so you already know where you stand before they reach out to you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case the area is not as desirable for vacations but it is a good stopping point for people and we get visitors accordingly. We think of potential visitors in four tiers (though it's more of a gradient):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Good friends who want to see us and who we want to see. As WoJ said, unsurprisingly, these are also the folks who are most understanding of our own needs and inability to put our life on pause.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Friends we'd host but are not likely to spend as much time with due to not being very close friends or due to repeated or business like nature of the visit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acquaintances we barely know (have crossed paths or have mutual friends) but are willing to host, with open ended involvement as depending on their timing and personality we may want to be warmer or cooler hosts.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Strangers we might host short-term as an AirBnB or CouchSurfing type arrangement. This can also call for warmer or cooler hosting, but a high priority is serving as hosts and keeping our lives secure and on track through the process.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tier 4 and others may simply be visits you are not open to, and those cases you can respectfully decline and point them toward alternatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For each tier we come up with guidelines for the visit. The general idea is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For tier...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We welcome them to stay for 3 days pretty openly. Over 3 days we'd setup some minimal cost fee (e.g. 30% monthly rent, pro-rated per day) or work-trade to help us with chores and/or utilities. We give them a heads up about specifics we can provide and what we cannot so there are no surprises, but otherwise we keep expectations pretty loose since there's more trust &amp;amp; understanding and we can all enjoy flexibility because of that. &lt;strong&gt;An important detail to be clear on is duration of stay and what the limit is.&lt;/strong&gt; For example if someone wanted to stay two weeks, we'd only even consider it if we were close and got along great already, and even then we'd establish a clear boundary based on our personal space needs. We'd say something like:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...Definitely welcome for three days, probably a week if all is going well. The second week we can't commit to, and we'd need to see as things shape up during the visit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(We'd lean on our schedule/work demands/obligations and needing time to keep our lives and house on track between visits. This can get into awkward territory, so we are cautious about longer-term guests and in those cases need to be frank about our needs during day 4-7 of the visit.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;and 3. Same as above but on the cooler end of the spectrum we start out with a fee or work-trade sooner than day 3, and in general we expect a little more support from them (e.g. for fee, 50-80% rent pro-rated daily) and/or a little less required from us. We lay out specifics of what we can provide &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; how we broadly expect the visit to go in terms of daily routine, access, payment or work, food and transport, so it's all clear and preferably in writing. (If done over the phone we may even follow up with email confirmation, especially on the cooler end of the spectrum here.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Same as 3 but in this case definitely getting expectations and confirmation in writing. Even with strangers there's a range of warmer or cooler receptions we'd have depending on the reason for the visit, how they connected with us, and other factors. In general we'd charge a higher fee closer to what regular rent would be, and we wouldn't commit to a stay longer than 3 days to preserve our sanity.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of fees that varies a lot. Some friends who visit are students with little or no income, whereas some are much more well off than us. We think it's fair to scale the kind of support we ask for (be it fee or work-trade) using our best judgement or a 'self reporting' honor system. Also note that work-trade requires extra clarification of expectations...&quot;if you want a job done right, do it yourself&quot; can become brutally apparent, so be careful what you task someone with and how the task is outlined, or you may end up with more work &amp;amp; stress than if your guest didn't 'help out'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1963" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T16:53:47.243" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7379" CreationDate="2017-11-29T16:54:57.710" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say that you are a group of friends with a shared history. If there is something that all the attendees have in common (this shared history, whatever that might be) then that is the reason for the invite. You should not feel bad only including people that fit that criteria.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To back this up: I have a fairly wide circle of friends. Sometimes everybody gets together; other times it may be just sub-section. There is usually some criteria that determines who gets invited. For example, maybe all the parents get together to take their kids to the park; or just the parents with kids in a certain age bracket. I personally do not get offended if I don't get invited when the criteria is obvious and I don't fit it. If the ex-girlfriend in question is still your friend then just see her at another event, not this one. Or whoever she normally keeps in touch with from your group can do that. If she really isn't a friend to anyone in the 364 days between your annual gatherings then I don't know why you are worrying anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T16:54:57.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7410" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7384" CreationDate="2017-11-29T17:38:35.253" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like she is very introverted (I'm seeing a lot of myself in her behaviours). Texting is easy, it gives her time to think about what she says and if needed, to read something back, delete it and try again until she is comfortable with it. Talking on the other hand requires her to speak as soon as she thinks to avoid those long, awkward pauses. This isn't a problem and is very common albeit it usually to a lesser extent. This also explains why she doesn't like sending pictures of herself, introverts are typically self conscious and even compliments can sometimes feel like you are being judged. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her behaviour is pretty standard as far as introverts go and normally not a problem, but that doesn't help you. You may feel as if she doesn't want to talk to you, she doesn't trust you enough to open up and she would rather be alone with the option to send you a few messages if she's bored, than spend the time investing in your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell her how you feel&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your feelings are important to and even though talking over the phone will be uncomfortable for her, this is bothering you enough to ask strangers for help. She has to be willing to meet you half way, to compromise and acknowledge that while her behaviour is comfortable and safe for her, it is hurting you and makes you feel bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest asking her how often she would feel comfortable calling you and start small. Let her be the one to initiate communication and perhaps try video calling like Skype once or twice. It will take a while for her to get used to being out of her comfort zone but as long as you are understanding and the experiences are positive, they will become more normal to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she isn't willing to make these concessions you are left with a difficult choice. End your relationship over her unwillingness to change a behaviour that is hurting you or acknowledge that she is how she is and learn to live with that. She isn't trying to make things difficult but she has to be willing to accept that this is something you care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck to both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5599" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T17:38:35.253" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7411" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-11-29T18:47:29.950" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a matter of learning to commit what's known as a &quot;social lie&quot;. Perfectly acceptable and even expected. She gives you her email address. You say, &quot;Thank you so much!&quot;. She walks away. You tuck the email address in your pocket, go home, and drop it in the trash.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DONE!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look - a lot of interactions are like this. Both parties semi-agree to something which either one or both do not really want. In this case you don't want to deal with this person, so you throw her email away and never contact her again. But the polite-but-not-real agreement means you end as &quot;friends&quot;, for sufficiently small values of &quot;friend&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3044" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T18:47:29.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7413" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7420" CreationDate="2017-11-29T19:48:18.870" Score="10" ViewCount="9458" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane and I belonged to the same group of friends since childhood. In this group, we all used to hang out, go camping, all kinds of stuff. Despite all of us eventually growing older and parting ways, most of us stayed friends and would hang out regularly on holidays, still go camping in summer and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane and I started dating when I was 16 and she was 14. We dated for 7 years, last 2 years living together. During the time we were living together, we would often hang out with Mike, another friend from the childhood friend group. One year before our break-up, she cheated on me with my then best friend Bob. Despite me willing to forgive her and move on, she wanted to break up, but we eventually agreed to try again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a rather ugly year of her doing stupid things just to make me angry and me being afraid to say a word without triggering another episode of threats of her leaving me, she finally broke up with me and moved out. Despite realizing that it was the inevitable outcome at the time, I was devastated. &lt;em&gt;Our issues were not caused by abuse/violence or things of that nature.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found out through a mutual friend that a few months later, she started dating another of our friends, Mike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her dating Mike, in fact, did not surprise me that much. What surprised me was that I had to learn about it from a third party, since I would expect (and very much prefer) Mike to approach me and tell me about it face to face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that what she does is not my business anymore and I have to deal with my feelings. I am quite introverted (I did not make new friends since high school). If I want to keep my very few friends (which I do), I am bound to come across the couple eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have to interact with both Jane and Mike, but &lt;em&gt;I want to&lt;/em&gt;. Chances are that if I wanted to break any contact with them, I would lose all my friends. I would like to keep in touch with these friends and keep hanging out with them regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to keep my friends (including Mike) and basically not address the fact of them dating. That would be awkward for everybody, so I am looking for a solution which would do the least damage to friendships and still keep my face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My issue is that given our history, I have no idea how to interact with them when it comes to it. What would be a mature way to handle it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;If relevant, I am now 23, Jane is 21, Mike is her age and we are located in East-Central Europe.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9580" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T02:45:42.583" Title="How to interact with a friend dating my ex-girlfriend when we hang out?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7315" CreationDate="2017-11-29T20:12:27.250" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would make a standard document to hand out to all these people with exact details so they are not surprised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I could take everyone around on tours, but I have limited free time and can not accommodate everyone.  Please call/email in advance to make arrangements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Credit type 1 not accepted&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Credit card type 2 limited acceptance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Credit card type 3 accept everywhere.&#xA;etc&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;$10 USD = $0.05&#xA;$10 CND = $0.04&#xA;$10 EUR = $0.07&#xA;$99 JPN = $0.01&#xA;etc&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here a list of attractions I recommend (all prices per person per visit, unless otherwise stated)  Prices higher during the tourist season  (May-August)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Beach A $50 [link]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Beach B $75 [link]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Attraction A. $30 [link]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Attraction B. $50 [link]&#xA;etc&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Restaurant  1  $30 [link] [menu link]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Restaurant  2  $10 [link] [menu link]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Restaurant  3. $50 [link] [menu link] &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I pay $$$ on averages at the local food mart per week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can offer up to 5 people lodgings at $20 per person per night.&#xA;  Please contribute $20 per person per day for fridge access.&#xA;  Dinner $$$ or increase this by your inconvenience level.&#xA;  Please call/email in advance to see if we are available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will do this once, and maybe periodical update it, so include all the use details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5629" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T20:12:27.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7413" CreationDate="2017-11-29T20:16:27.660" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your story is a little confusing, however the overarching theme is that your ex, and your friends are walking all over you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice to you is to look deep inside, realize that you're worth more than this, and move on with your life. Here are some hard facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Anyone willing to hook up with your friend behind your back is not worth the time of day. She's a cheater, and always will be. Purge every trace of her from your life.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Any so called friend who would hook up with your girlfriend behind your back is a back-stabbing fiend, and not worth having around. Purge.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to be in a fragile state of mind, but those things cannot be ignored. If you think you can simply rejoin the circle of &quot;friends&quot;, and act like nothing's happened, then you think less of yourself than even they do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I urge you to find new friends. Get out there, join a club, start up a new hobby! Find a reason to gain value in your own self before seeking the approval of strangers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start working out. Learn a new language and travel. Start painting, hiking, wall climbing, whatever captures your imagination. But stop fixating on these leeches you seem to think are your friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're young, and it seems like without these people in your life you may be left alone, but give yourself some time to gain perspective. Trust in your own worth, and abilities. Focus on having this episode in your life become the moment you changed for the better, not on how you might ingratiate yourself with a bunch of back-stabbing a-holes who care nothing for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T20:16:27.660" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7413" CreationDate="2017-11-29T20:26:13.547" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a situation I've found myself on all sides of over the years. The times I found myself in  your position, there was usually the instinct to think and sometimes say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could they do that to &lt;em&gt;ME&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It hurts to feel rejected by a partner, it hurts more when your friend &quot;&lt;em&gt;betrays&lt;/em&gt;&quot; you and starts seeing your ex. I know how that feels and I know it sucks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is... Even if your friend had come to you first and told you about their intentions, it still hurts. It's easy to say that if they had done things this way, or that way, it would hurt less, but in my experience it doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been in the others roles of this situation, I can tell you that they didn't do that &lt;em&gt;to you.&lt;/em&gt; They most likely got together the way most couples do, and that didn't really have anything to do with you. They're not dating to hurt you, they're dating because they like each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all of that out of the way, your question was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My issue is that given our history, I have no idea what my appropriate attitude should be towards them and how to interact with them when it comes to it. What would be a mature way to handle it, without me looking like a beaten dog?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The mature way to handle it is to be happy for your friend/s and move on. I know that's hard to hear right now, I hated hearing it too, and I hated saying it more. Realistically it's all you can do if you want to have any sort of peaceful relationship with these people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, being happy for them and moving on shows that you're not a &quot;beaten dog&quot; It shows that you're strong enough to not let this stuff get to you. It takes a lot of strength to carry on after a hard breakup, and it's better try to do it gracefully. Being happy for them shows that you're confident, and ok with your self as much as it says that you're ok with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T20:26:13.547" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7413" CreationDate="2017-11-29T20:26:58.960" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to answer your questions backwards. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are some of my ideals of friendship ... too romantic or naive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the key ingredients in any healthy relationship be it business, friendship, or romance,  is &lt;em&gt;Trust&lt;/em&gt;.   When your friend violated the ideal that you listed he destroyed your trust in him.  This is extremely damaging to a relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these two had been honest and had wanted to not betray you they would have A) told you they were going to date each other.  B) she would have broken up with you before sleeping with someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to applaud your forgiving attitude towards your girlfriends initially. It takes a lot of effort and courage to forgive betrayals like you suffered.  I'm sorry that you are going through this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now for your first question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to deal with a friend dating my ex-girlfriend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be casually polite but avoid contact with them.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't hang out with either of them. If they show up at a party, just say hi and go find someone else to talk too.  Don't invite them to anything you plan.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If any one asks why you are treating them this way tell them something along the lines of,  &quot;They betrayed my trust.  I will be polite to them, But I have no desire to be around them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck man. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T20:26:58.960" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7371" CreationDate="2017-11-29T20:46:30.170" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I respect your decision to tell your father.  Treating others as you would like to be treated is really the primary lesson from this stack exchange; I assume that if someone knew information about your paternity, you'd appreciate being informed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Carry that principle further.  How would you like to be informed of this information, if it was to be revealed to you?  In public?  In front of a gathering of family?  I suspect not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My thought is that you broach this confidentially, making sure that you put it in the context that it was an inadvertent side effect of other research you were doing.  Give him the facts as you know them, and then make sure he understands that you are letting him decide how to interpret them and how to proceed.  If he rejects it, or needs time to process it, don't make him feel like you are putting pressure on him.  Let him know that you will keep this in confidence; in fact, I would tell him that you consider the matter closed, unless he wants to bring it up in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1914" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T20:46:30.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7420" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7413" CreationDate="2017-11-29T21:03:33.800" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll start out by quoting &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/7416/3171&quot;&gt;apaul's very gracious answer&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They're not dating to hurt you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... but they still hurt you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's good to recognize they can do what they want, but your feelings are also valid. If these people are your friends, they should care about you too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you want to clear the air: &lt;strong&gt;contact Mike and ask if you can talk.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dodging the issue and sweeping it under the rug won't do anything to reduce tension, it will only allow it to fester. Maybe Mike feels just as awkward about it as you do and is planning to remove himself from the friend group so you don't have to see him - you won't know until you talk to him. Pretending they aren't dating is not a viable solution, so you might as well deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Approach the conversation with a goal in mind.&lt;/strong&gt; Do you want an apology? Do you want to know XYZ? Do you want him to never talk about XYZ? Do you just want to say your piece? etc. This will help keep you on track if things get difficult. Try to stay focused and calm during the conversation - remember that he didn't do this to hurt you - and don't be afraid to take a step back if you need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your goal is just &quot;be not awkward around Mike&quot;, what would that look like for you? Try to frame it as unemotionally as possible. Perhaps this means &quot;we won't talk about Jane&quot;, &quot;we will acknowledge each other at events and act civilly, but I won't expect him to talk to me one-on-one&quot;. Take this to your conversation, too, and discuss ground rules and expectations for your relationship with Mike going forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the talk goes well, fantastic, you figured out how to act around each other in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Mike responds poorly, that sucks, but now you know. Talk to your other friends in the group - they are surely aware of the situation - about how to approach it. Maybe you can get together without Mike on occasion (try not to make them pick sides, though), or maybe you just need to distance yourself for a while. Hopefully they will be understanding. If they take sides, that's again very unfortunate, but sometimes happens, and I suggest &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/7415/3171&quot;&gt;AndreiROM's advice&lt;/a&gt; to find a new group that is more caring about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I had such a conversation a few months ago. While it didn't magically make everything OK, the strategy of preparing questions and getting them answered made me feel satisfied that it went about as well as possible, and helped my peace of mind about dealing with that particular person in the future. Good luck.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-11-29T21:10:41.553" LastActivityDate="2017-11-29T21:10:41.553" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7315" CreationDate="2017-11-29T23:35:55.483" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;this funny message made me register on the site just to answer :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in the exact same situation, I live in a very well known, sunny spanish beach resort / party town that attracts thousands of Europeans. At the beginning it was fun to welcome friends to my house, but eventually got very tired of losing my privacy, or as you say, go out for dinner every (working!) day, let alone visiting super touristy places that I hate or just not in the mood to visit on a wednesday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So nowadays what I do is, as some replies here also suggest, something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey guys !!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's so cool you coming to Spain again. The place is bustling as usual and I bet you're going to have a killer time and get some tan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you know my place is really tiny and unfortunately I have a lot of work. So in order not to ruin your vacation with boring stuff, I have pre-selected these cheap cool AirBnB apartments for you guys. They have a better location than my humble flat, are very reasonably priced, and you'll be right where the action is! I made sure those flats are fit for your holidays, so noise / smoking / pets / whatever will not be a problem! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember I will always be available to offer advice on where to go off-the-beaten path, what to do, or provide (whatever you can provide). It'd also be cool to meet on weekends for some fun together!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a safe trip!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9601" LastEditorUserId="9601" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T13:44:23.843" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T13:44:23.843" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7384" CreationDate="2017-11-30T00:05:58.547" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your update on telling her your feelings indeed sounds like a good step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would still be good to try to get a bit more on the same page before you push further, and even before you invest too much in the weekly call plan. You mention focusing on her point of view, and asking her, but do you know why she's been reluctant? It sounds like she's tried to give polite excuses that won't hurt your feelings, so she obviously cares, but she may not be confident yet she can tell you all her reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would ask, but in a more understanding way: how does the prospect of these calls make her feel? Are there things she likes or dislikes about past calls? Are there things that make her more or less comfortable? Be sure not to try to debate any of her reasons. Tell her up front that you're not trying to ask her for anything or pressure her. This is all about finding out where she's coming from and what works for her, not being persuasive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that knowledge, you should be better equipped to judge whether the weekly calls are in fact a good idea or whether she's dreading them and feels pressured.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, I might suggest adjusting your approach to the weekly calls if possible, to make it a bit more incremental. Start out with things like watching a movie together while talking, playing an online game together while talking, whatever works for your mutual interests. This gives you something to talk about, and takes away the pressure to be constantly talking and performing. This might end up being enough for you, and even if you do want simple calls still, it'll help develop comfort with talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And really, this shouldn't be a surprising suggestion, when you think about it. People usually go on dates, they don't just sit down for a long conversation with nothing to do. Even in long term relationships past the &quot;dating&quot; stage, it's common to have conversations where the opportunity presents, often associated with activities. It takes a bit of adaptation to do this long-distance, but it's still a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2798" LastEditorUserId="2798" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T00:22:00.367" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T00:22:00.367" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7275" CreationDate="2017-11-30T00:22:45.040" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say to the train staff: Excuse me, there's a very noisy guy very close to my seat, and I really need sleep. Do you mind if I change to another wagon?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;or just do it straight away if it's allowed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9601" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T00:22:45.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7432" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-30T02:53:11.403" Score="44" ViewCount="20716" Body="&lt;p&gt;I need to email someone that his reply doesn't truly answer the questions in my original email. 1 below appears too brusque, and would insult and offend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Sorry, but your reply doesn't appear to answer my question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2 will less likely offend but it appears, and makes me appear, disingenuous, because it masquerades my certainty (of the reply's failing to answer my question) as doubt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I am not sure/certain that your reply answers my question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-12-03T04:37:32.440" LastActivityDate="2019-06-29T21:53:04.497" Title="How do you tactfully write that someone's reply doesn't truly answer your question?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7432" CreationDate="2017-11-30T03:45:37.857" Score="116" Body="&lt;p&gt;Communication involves two people.  Instead of making a statement about the other one, make a statement about yourself.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It looks like I wasn't clear enough, sorry.  My question is: (simplest restatement you can come up with).  Do you know / do you have that info / can you help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My job involves a lot of written communication.  Even when I suspect the other is evading (not confused), I get better results when I use this approach and say nothing that sounds like an accusation.  Besides, it might be true -- we always &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; we're being clear and we assume that the other person perfectly understands, but that's not always the case.  (See &lt;a href=&quot;http://lesswrong.com/lw/ke/illusion_of_transparency_why_no_one_understands/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Illusion of Transparency&lt;/a&gt; for research details.)  Give the benefit of the doubt, or at least give the &lt;em&gt;appearance&lt;/em&gt; of giving the benefit of the doubt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T15:16:48.530" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T15:16:48.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7413" CreationDate="2017-11-30T06:03:30.857" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try this on for size.  You are presuming that Mike &lt;em&gt;owed you&lt;/em&gt; some sort of interaction about this, and you are disappointed you didn't get it.   Ok, now you also call yourself an introvert.  If the shoe were on the other foot, and you were dating Mike's ex, would it have occurred to you that you owed Mike a conversation?  Ok, if it did... Would you feel eager to have that conversation?  Or would you sort of dread it / want to defer it / maybe even angle to avoid Mike to avoid having to have it? &lt;em&gt;Maybe Mike or Jane is going through that&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's tension in the room, it maybe ain't just yours.  Or for that matter, they could have tension you do not. Some of the tension might be imagined worry over what the other might think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you want? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can look to the past and count all the ways your feelings hurt.  Or you can look to the future and decide what kind of relationship you'd like to have with them going forward.  The clearer and more self-true you are on this, the better it will work.  And then you can outreach them and figure out where they're at.  It may be they are relieved to know that what they presumed to be a problem for you is in fact not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, cut your ex some slack.  Relationships are complicated.  It's hard to navigate them well even when both of you have the best character and intentions.  Stuff hurts.  It's the human condition but it doesn't define our choices. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T06:03:30.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1048" CreationDate="2017-11-30T08:37:58.550" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As PlayDeezGames said in their answer, just keep doing what you've done until now focusing more on what you perceive her needs are. She may need to be alone, or to have fun, or to cry on someone's shoulder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will add one thing: &lt;strong&gt;don't avoid the subject of her father's death at all costs.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When somebody suffers a sorrow (not necessarily a death of a beloved one) we are sometimes drawn to keep silence around the source of the pain, usually persuaded of respecting this way the other person's sorrow. While it's important not to bring the subject up casually, it's also essential not to make the subject a taboo just because it feels uncomfortable to talk about it. She will need to process what's happening to her, so it may happen that she wants to talk about her feelings, or bring up a memory of her father, or tell how her family is coping with the grief. Do not block or avoid these sort of topics. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know how to answer when somebody talks about their pain, &lt;strong&gt;just listen&lt;/strong&gt; and give signals that these conversations are ok, and you're genuinely interested in knowing what she wants to communicate to you. For instance, if she's telling you about a memory of her father, ask her more details. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T08:37:58.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7258" CreationDate="2017-11-30T09:22:31.427" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In most of the weddings, each event (Mehendi, sangeet, etc) - has a theme. Most people decide what to wear for that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know what others are wearing - then do wear the saree. Everyone would love it - as most women do wear lovely sarees during the weddings. Now-a-days, that's the only occasion they get to wear this if they are a working woman. :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yes, go ahead and wear one. You'll get a lot of attention, but it will be good attention. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enjoy the wedding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Indian living in Bangalore) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9624" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T10:27:48.147" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T10:27:48.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7439" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7443" CreationDate="2017-11-30T09:46:48.673" Score="21" ViewCount="6891" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sure some of you know about me and Alice already. This is a question related to another one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Link:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/7084/how-can-i-help-my-partner-with-her-body-image-without-offending-her&quot;&gt;How can I help my partner with her body image without offending her?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My take away from that was to be more of a listener than some guy riding in and throwing unwanted advice at her. That being said, I feel that not giving advice is strange. Not the concept of it, but rather how I do it. I find myself agreeing that what happened is tough or that whatever she's going through is bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I Thought more about this when she moved to a new school (A better one but in a town about an hour away by train) and she was telling me that she will miss her old friends. The best I could do was to say 'I miss my old friends too'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;em&gt;kind of&lt;/em&gt; works, but I was wondering &lt;strong&gt;how else I could support and listen to Alice on such subjects without sounding like a yes man or trying to shift focus to myself.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T13:01:19.477" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T22:34:02.970" Title="How to listen and stop giving advice?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7440" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7447" CreationDate="2017-11-30T09:55:17.683" Score="14" ViewCount="7414" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am quite a forgetful person and will frequently tell the same story, or make the same statement, more than once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This usually occurs when I will see or hear something and that will trigger me to say whatever it is that I am thinking.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;An example of this might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Me: *Sees football stadium*&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: [My favourite team's name] won their game last week.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: I know; you've told me.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Me: *Sees advert for a product*&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: I bought one of those products.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: I know; you've told me.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost everytime I am in that situation, I am reminded that I have already stated that fact.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(At the time of writing I am struggling with thinking of any good examples to use. What sparked the conception of this question was a pair of gloves I found that I thought I had lost and I told my girlfriend and she stated I had already told her that I had found them. She then proceeded to tell me I was obsessed etc - implying she wasn't angry at me restating).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How would I go about keeping the conversation on the topic of whatever it is that I have just brought up?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Generally, I will mention said topic as it is something I want to talk about, but being told that I have brought it up already. It is more than likely that if I have brought up the said topic before and forgotten then evidently the conversation was not kept on that topic. This could either be because the listener had no interest in the topic (and still doesn't) or because the topic was changed by some other medium.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;That one-liner (&lt;em&gt;&quot;You've already told me&quot;&lt;/em&gt;) tends to just shut me up and I feel some sort of awkwardness to say something again as I feel as though the listener is not that interested in either talking to me or talking to me about topics of my interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Aside&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps I am just worrying about nothing, but this is a situation I encounter frequently.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Often I will tend to not saying anything at all to avoid this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8995" LastEditorUserId="8995" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T12:08:55.513" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T18:56:50.720" Title="What's the polite response to being informed you've told the same thing more than once?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7441" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-11-30T10:01:14.917" Score="2" ViewCount="998" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background &amp;amp; Context:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife has two brothers, Bob and John. With Bob and his wife there is absolutely no problem. We help each other out when there is something to do and get along really well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John and his wife, however is a different story. They are both narcissistic, egoistic, and enjoy making fun of and patronizing everybody else in the family (me, my wife, Bob and his wife and even the parents). John´s behavior seems to be getting worse, it is not improving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has been suggested that we sit down and discuss these differences. I have already told my wife that I don´t want to participate in this meeting for several reasons, none of which add any value to this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's safe to assume that I will never get along with John and his wife. The extent of my interactions with them involve saying hello and goodbye in passing, this is all I wish to maintain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Expectations of me:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife has told me that during the sit down she will ask for my opinion if I don´t say anything myself, because she considers it important that I tell them how I see their behaviour and that I´m not happy with their personalities, as well as the way they treat people around them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The Interpersonal Problems:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly what persuasive or linguistic approaches can I take to convey that I do not want to attend the meeting or at the very least do not wish to contribute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly if I have to attend, in what way should I frame my distaste for John and his Wife's actions and personality that would come across as constructive rather than personal or aggressive, as I would at the very least prefer not to make the situation any worse than it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T17:43:43.107" Title="How can I tell my wife that I don't want to attend a meeting because of one of her brothers?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2017-12-01T15:11:44.707" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7439" CreationDate="2017-11-30T10:30:11.223" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone wants you to listen, it isn't really about you saying yes to everything or acknowledging what they say. It's about them wanting to talk about their feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my wife/brother wants to tell me something, I first let them rant/talk then I ask questions (not going towards a solution).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wife: I really disliked this interview. The interviewer was late and was unprepared!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: That's too bad honey, what did the interviewer do to show that he was unprepared?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wife: Well he was using a completely different name for me and asked really basic questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that you listened and that you are interested in hearing her story. She can also rant about the things she wants to rant about, because you ask questions about the things she brings up. Don't offer solutions even though it may be very hard to do so. Most of the time the person will ask for advice after ranting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3585" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T10:30:11.223" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7444" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7440" CreationDate="2017-11-30T10:53:00.447" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to keep the conversation going about a certain topic. Include the other person in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: &lt;em&gt;Sees football stadium&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: [My favourite team's name] won their&#xA;  game last week. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend: I know; you've told me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Oh, I forgot. Have you seen the game though?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend: No I haven't&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Ah too bad, it was a great game. Did you watch another game?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: &lt;em&gt;Sees advert for a product&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: I bought one of those products.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend: I know; you've told me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Ah I forgot! I can really recommend the product though, do you have anything like it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend: No, I don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Ah I think it's great because of X, what do you look for in this type of product?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Engage in the conversation, just as if you haven't told him about the subject yet. If you had a deeper conversation already, you would probably remember.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3585" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T10:53:00.447" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7439" CreationDate="2017-11-30T11:02:45.877" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm faced with this problem fairly frequently myself and am struggling with the same thing. In my case, the issue is that in my efforts to try and help someone, I feel compelled to do something more than just sit there and listen to what is said. There is this instinctive desire to be more, to help them outright solve the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point being that many problems cannot be solved just like that. As frustrating as it is, listening and genuinely showing understanding and doing nothing more or less than that, is often what people need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just look back at times in your own life where you needed to just vent and let go of some weight you know isn't going to go away. Often it's not that you need someone to solve your problem, but just that by expressing your feelings, it makes it all a bit more bearable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd suggest you follow the &lt;strong&gt;advice of Kevin; Show genuine interest in the situation she's facing. Show that you're listening and that you feel for her, that you empathize or at least sympathize&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But for you, what is most important to remember is the following, because I know that for myself and many other this isn't a satisfying answer. Remember that as simple, as small, as perhaps meaningless it seems, just listening and doing nothing more helps her already more than many others would do for her. You are not powerless and you are not weak for not doing anything more than that, But you are genuinely helping and making a difference by doing this alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are in doubt, ask her if she wants you to do anything more than just listening, she can tell you better what she needs than you or I can guess simply on a place like IPS.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7924" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T11:02:45.877" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7440" CreationDate="2017-11-30T12:10:41.570" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often I have a suspicion I might have already told the story, in which case this is exactly when you begin with &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Oh, did I tell you? [...]&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, I just say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;whoops sorry, I forgot&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, or &lt;strong&gt;&quot;oh my bad, wasn't sure if I'd told you&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, while not quite &lt;em&gt;rude&lt;/em&gt;, in my opinion—and this &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; much depends on the tone—it can sometimes be distasteful for people to point this out, so I just say the above and quickly move on, and I make an effort not behave that way in the reverse situation. When I do feel like mentioning this, I try to say it in a friendly way, like &quot;Oh yeah! I remember when you mentioned this. :)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just a conversation killer on their part, and sometimes they don't realize it themselves. In my experience, this happens more often when people don't know you too well—once they get to know you better and realize your memory isn't as sharp as a razor blade, they just go along and stop pointing it out, unless you get to the point where your long storytelling is wasting their time or distracting them from what they're trying to do—in which case, take that as your signal to stop talking and keep improving on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, best thing you can do on your might be to train yourself to at least remember if you &lt;strong&gt;might&lt;/strong&gt; have told them the story, and begin by asking if you've already told them the story (and avoid continuing if they say you've already told them). That's easier than remembering if you've &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; told them the story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastEditorUserId="2033" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T12:16:02.297" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T12:16:02.297" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7441" CreationDate="2017-11-30T14:34:06.387" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's my opinion that both interpersonal situations as relating to the same contextual problem can be tackled using similar linguistic foundations. Whether they should though is another matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What persuasive or linguistic approaches can I take to convey that I do not want to attend the meeting or at the very least do not wish to contribute. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know your wife better than we do. There is likely no guaranteed way to get you out of the meeting as obviously it's something that your family have deemed necessary. From an interpersonal perspective I think you should not try to get out of the meeting. Even if you can put across valid rational reasons to your wife, we all know that often family matters are not rational. In a situation like yours where evidently there's a sizable emotional investment and toll, being able to make rational arguments to get out of this meeting has well since passed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what way should I frame my distaste that would come across as constructive rather than personal or aggressive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this is the &lt;strong&gt;real&lt;/strong&gt; question isn't it. The problem is that when there's no perceived downside or penalty by the individual or individuals who are acting inappropriately (In this case, as you say &quot;narcissistic, egoistic... patronizing&quot;). Then there is no incentive for them to change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you need to think carefully about what they will lose if they continue to act the way they do. Make it abundantly clear that there is indeed something for them to lose, such as your loyalty, or the familial affections of your wife towards John her brother. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Highlight the importance of family. It's evident from your relationship with Bill that there are good examples of families supporting each other. It may also be an option to appeal to their expectations of their own families, such as Johns wife's relationship with her own relatives, find common ground where possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As difficult as it may seem, the primary objective is to not let emotions run too high, to remain level headed, and keep your tone general; neither aggressive or dismissive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8451" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T14:34:06.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7441" CreationDate="2017-11-30T14:37:46.120" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The fictitious situation&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All six of you are in a meeting to decide how you should plan the celebration of your FIL retirement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Behaviour&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are enthusiastic (depending your interest) to contribute ideas and ping-pong between 6 of you and you ignoring interactions of the John pair in &lt;strong&gt;this meeting&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might convey that you are being a good sport in family celebrations/meetings but not so influenced/affected of John pair ideas but you are still participating within the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try the same for &lt;strong&gt;important to trivial meetings&lt;/strong&gt;. And slowly it might come out strong that unless John pair don't give in to their proper behaviour, they might not be welcomed by you and slowly with the rest of the pairs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9638" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T14:37:46.120" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7452" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7439" CreationDate="2017-11-30T15:05:03.147" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You already know that you need to listen more, because you are asking the question. Sadly there is no magic words that will make you do that; you just need to learn and believe in the benefits of you doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes there is a case for giving direct advice. But it should always be presented as such - advice, and not the final word. Everybody should make their own decisions and accept responsibility for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, the desirable way to help someone with a problem or a question is to use counselling skills - that is to ask helpful questions which help them answer their own question or draw their own conclusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you need to &lt;em&gt;listen&lt;/em&gt; and don't interrupt. It can help to make some conscious sign that you are listening - maybe some nods, or maybe even some listening noises (like &quot;mmm&quot; or &quot;right&quot;) but don't over use noises and certainly don't use them as a crowbar to stop her talking and get your point in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the example you gave:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice: &quot;I think I should move to this better school, but I'm worried&#xA;  I'll miss my old friends&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: &quot;I'd miss my friends too&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say this was the &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt; way. First of all you have given &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; opinion based on how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; would feel. That might not be how she feels. She may now question her own feelings and feel even more confused; or she may follow your advice and then later regret doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you use a question, for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice: &quot;I think I should move to this better school, but I'm worried&#xA;  I'll miss my old friends&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: &quot;Which is more important to you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... you are inviting her to think for herself about which is more important. This is beneficial for many reasons. First of all, she makes her own decision. This is character building and she won't (or shouldn't) blame anyone else for advising her to take one path over another. But it isn't just about being free from blame... let's say the answer IS her education and she chooses to move - when she thinks back on the decision she should hopefully remember &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; she made the decision and this reinforces her belief that she made the right decision. She ought to feel more confident that she made the right decision, even when she misses her friends which she inevitably will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In dealing with complex problems it can also be good to repeat back key points after you have listened and before you follow up with a response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to believe that this is often better than giving advice. If you believe it, you will do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T15:05:03.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7453" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7454" CreationDate="2017-11-30T15:25:52.590" Score="5" ViewCount="1016" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last weekend I was at an airport getting back from Thanksgiving. As is tradition at airports, this meant standing around in the parking garage trying to remember where my car was parked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried locking my car to listen for a beep, but didn't hear anything. However, a nearby airport employee said &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I heard it beeping from over there&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; (then gestured in some direction).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, although I didn't know &lt;em&gt;quite&lt;/em&gt; where my car was parked, I was certain it wasn't in that direction. I had no idea how to tell the employee that, though. It seemed rude to say I'd rather take my chances than trust them, but I also wasn't too keen on pretending to look over there just to be polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this instance, I lucked out and remembered I was near a certain stairwell, so I said something like, &quot;Oh really? Well I know I'm by stairwell 10, do you know where that is?&quot; They pointed it out (in a different direction), and all was well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I've been in similar situations where I don't have an out like that. Where my choices are to deliberately go against their advice right in front of them, or waste my time pretending to follow it. It's even more awkward when I've asked the person for advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I tactfully respond in situations like this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T15:56:34.910" Title="How to respond to advice you plan to immediately go against" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7453" CreationDate="2017-11-30T15:31:51.830" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your response could be as simple as saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hmm... Really? I'm really almost certain I remember parking over &lt;em&gt;here&lt;/em&gt;.  If I can't find my car in another moment, I'll check in that direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that you're taking value of their opinion, but you're going to trust your own gut/memory first. It also leaves the avenue open for you to return later (should you actually not find your car) and ask them to remind you of the direction they heard the noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same can be applied to other situations, even when you've asked for advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hm... I'm not sure that's the route I was hoping to take. I think I should try 'X' first, but if that doesn't work, I will try your suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T15:31:51.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7453" CreationDate="2017-11-30T15:56:34.910" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this case, you're looking at advice from a stranger.  Most likely they are trying to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that the best thing to do is the most simple.  Offer a genuine &quot;thanks for the info, but I'd rather to do [x]&quot;  They're generally not looking for an argument or to be proved wrong; they most likely are just trying to be nice.  And you can be nice in return by saying &quot;thanks&quot;.  In your case, a response of smiling and saying, &quot;Thanks for the info!  I'm going walk over just in case.  Have a great day&quot; would be an appropriate response.  Remember, they're trying to help.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jess K. has a good proposal in that answer as well that I'd echo: &quot;I'm going to try [x] first but I'll keep your suggestion in mind in case that doesn't work.  Thanks!&quot;  It shows that you listened but still have your own plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT advice that you asked for: I personally find it annoying when people ask me for advice and then argue with me.  It makes me think that they want confirmation for their own action plan and not the benefit of what I might have to say.  I don't see you doing that, but it looks like the scenario is to ask for advice and then do something else.  In that case, it's important to first of all outline what you plan on doing and secondly be gracious when accepting the advice.  I wouldn't recommend debating the answer you get, but perhaps a heartfelt &quot;thank you&quot; would be a good start and then a quick yet reasonable explanation why you reject the answer in favor of the action plan you already discussed.   Something like &quot;I really appreciate your saying 'I should call my mother' about this, but these conversations haven't worked out in the past&quot; would possibly go over better than just doing your own thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T15:56:34.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7439" CreationDate="2017-11-30T16:00:08.820" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I learned a technique from a friend of mine who is a social worker, and I've used it with my kids when they're upset, and found it &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to the other person, and when a response is appropriate &lt;em&gt;repeat back exactly what they said in your own words&lt;/em&gt;. Use &quot;I hear you saying...&quot; or &quot;It sounds like you feel...&quot; or just simply say the thing they said in an affirming way. You don't have to say that you agree — just validate that you hear what they are saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is &lt;strong&gt;do this at least ten times&lt;/strong&gt; before you offer any opinions or thoughts of your own. Just listen, absorb, and reflect. And make sure to rephrase: obviously, you can't just &lt;em&gt;completely&lt;/em&gt; echo. Count in your head. Long before you get there, you'll have an impulse to advise or correct or something. Resist it. Keep counting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 10-times-count may make this seem a little bit like a gimmick or a trick, but the thing is, you're not tricking the other person. You're tricking your &lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; impulse to give advise or suggestions or disagree or give alternate viewpoints. Those things &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be helpful big picture and eventually, but they aren't right away. So the 10-responses rule makes &lt;em&gt;sure&lt;/em&gt; you actively think about and digest what you're hearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="493" LastEditorUserId="493" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T18:39:13.267" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T18:39:13.267" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7440" CreationDate="2017-11-30T16:31:19.143" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had people point this out a couple times. I usually try to make it a joke, something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: [My favorite team] won the championship last night!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Yeah, you told me earlier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Oh, sorry. I'm a little absent-minded sometimes. By the way, have I mentioned that [my favorite team] won the championship last night?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This usually elicits a minor chuckle, and we both can move forward with the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4574" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T16:31:19.143" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7116" CreationDate="2017-11-30T16:46:36.647" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have two options:  Lie and hide about who you are to avoid making people feel uncomfortable, or be honest and realize that if someone has a problem with that, it's their problem, not yours.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The LGBTQ+ community has made the greatest strides in the past few decades not by demanding legislation from elected officials or by marching in the streets (although those are important) but by changing hearts and minds of their loved ones, one by one, by saying, &quot;You love me and this is who I am.  I am not a deviant and I am not going to hell.  I am a normal person who is just a little different than you are.&quot;  I'm not pretending it's easy... it is frustrating and exhausting and infuriating.  But it's crucial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition... there are undoubtedly children in your family questioning their own identities.  I can't think how much easier and happier my childhood and adolescence would have been had I had an adult in my family living life out and proud.  I assume you were the same.  Be that role model for the children in your family who need you. Open the doors that they cannot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3306" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T16:46:36.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7441" CreationDate="2017-11-30T17:32:18.277" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is difficult, as your question currently focuses on how to do something that most people would not do. No matter how obnoxious your brother-in-law is, your wife will almost certainly love her sibling and this covers over a lot of shortcomings. Through conversation you can certainly convey to your wife your stance that you will not meet her brother, however you will likely never convince her that you are right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most behavioural psychology agrees that a &lt;em&gt;person&lt;/em&gt; should be viewed separately from their &lt;em&gt;behaviour&lt;/em&gt;. In fact it is a mark of maturity to be able to make such a distinction. For example you may hate the habit of smoking, but it shouldn't follow that you actively &lt;em&gt;hate&lt;/em&gt; all people that smoke. If you felt that strongly about the habit and you otherwise liked a person, you'd hope that they quit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have made a judgement on your in-laws that &quot;they &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; both narcissistic, egoistic, and enjoy making fun of and patronizing everybody..&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that your wife evidently loves her brother (I assume this because she wants you to fix your relationship with him) shouldn't you really be thinking that they are possibly decent people but for whatever reason &lt;em&gt;have narcissistic, egotistic &lt;strong&gt;behaviour&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that I must answer your question directly - how to persuade your wife you won't meet with him. As you have not given your &lt;em&gt;reasons&lt;/em&gt; for concluding that he &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; all that you say his is, I find it impossible to give you the words to say beyond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I won't meet with him because I am of the opinion that he is&#xA;  narcissistic and egotistical, and I do not believe that meeting to&#xA;  discuss his behaviour will change that&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately you will likely have to qualify such a statement with the evidence you have not provided to us. If I am honest, I don't think you will come out of this looking good. The brother and his wife will likely brush aside their behaviour as 'joking', and you will look like you take their 'jokes' too seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I honestly believe the best course would be to have this meeting, to prepare yourself for it, and be resolved to calmly put their &lt;em&gt;behaviour&lt;/em&gt; before them. If you accuse someone of &lt;em&gt;being&lt;/em&gt; a narcissist then of course they will deny it. If your wife still sees a good person beneath the behaviour then you need to appeal to that person and show them how their &lt;em&gt;behaviour&lt;/em&gt; makes you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-11-30T17:43:43.107" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T17:43:43.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7432" CreationDate="2017-11-30T20:38:42.040" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Monica's suggestions are all very good, but you could also consider phrasing your response like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I fully understand.  (and then rephrase your question in different terms)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By phrasing it like this, you avoid the accusatory tone from your original question (&quot;Your reply was not good enough&quot;), and you also avoid any demeaning connotation (&quot;You clearly failed to understand my question, so I will restate it more simply for you&quot;).  Rather, phrasing it this way blames the misunderstanding on yourself and gives the other person a chance to offer more details.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9664" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T20:38:42.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7439" CreationDate="2017-11-30T22:34:02.970" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;she was telling me that she will miss her old friends. The best I could do was to say 'I miss my old friends too'.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right: You're not really listening, still - you're making it all about yourself, still.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of &quot;I miss my friends too&quot; or even &quot;I understand how you feel&quot;, a good listener will show the speaker that the listener is focusing on &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt; and leaving their own self out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of any response at all with the word &quot;I&quot; in it, think of things to say which have &quot;you&quot; in them. &quot;That must be hard for you.&quot; &quot;Sorry that's happening to you.&quot; &quot;That's too bad for you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you're listening, the other person is the star of the show. Not &quot;I&quot; (you). Otherwise you're still just demanding their attention instead of giving them yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastActivityDate="2017-11-30T22:34:02.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7207" CreationDate="2017-12-01T00:59:13.163" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer is prompted by concern for the cats.  If the house smells of cat urine, a possible reason is that one or more of the cats has an urinary tract infection (URT) and is peeing outside the litter box.  I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are your cats OK?  I had a similar problem with one of my cats, and&#xA;  our vet prescribed a shot of an antibiotic that worked like magic!  Of course, this shot doesn't work on &lt;strong&gt;all&lt;/strong&gt; bacteria, but it worked for my cat's infection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the virtue of being true *, being possibly helpful, and not directly blaming the person.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the people ask what I mean -- possibly they have a stuffed up nose and can't smell anything --  I'd say that I noticed a fairly strong smell of cat urine and the cat might have an URT.  One should say this without sounding accusing; if their feelings are hurt, I'm sorry, but if the cat has an URT or some other physical problem, the cat is hurting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;True if I said it.  If you haven't had that experience, you might want to say that &lt;em&gt;someone I know had...&lt;/em&gt; and modify the rest of the sentence accordingly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Addendum:&lt;/strong&gt;  I just noticed that the OP answered her own question; I upvoted it because I admire her direct approach.  I'm leaving this answer anyway because a trip to the vet is indicated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T01:44:27.427" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T01:44:27.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7467" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7468" CreationDate="2017-12-01T01:50:15.703" Score="3" ViewCount="749" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often talk to people who have just had a baby, and their news usually includes something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It was a boy / girl. The name is ________. He / she weighed _____ pounds _____ ounces.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I reply with, &lt;code&gt;&quot;Congratulations, you must be so happy&quot;&lt;/code&gt;, but I've noticed that some people address the weight of the newborn in their response specifically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birth_weight&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The average birth weight in babies of European heritage is 3.5 kilograms (7.7 lb), though the range of normal is between 2.5 kilograms (5.5 lb) and 5 kilograms (11 lb) (all but 5% of newborns will fall into this range). Babies of south Asian and Chinese heritage weigh about 240 grams (0.53 lb) less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are you supposed to say if the baby is over / underweight? What is considered over / underweight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is commenting on the baby's physical characteristics appropriate? If so, how does one address this tactfully?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T11:54:43.107" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T23:21:24.760" Title="How to tactfully respond in talks about characteristics of newborn babies?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7467" CreationDate="2017-12-01T02:17:00.547" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, there is no social obligation to comment on any specific baby details such as the hair colour, amount of hair, size, or anything else. Simply congratulating the parents will always be a correct response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people have a spontaneous reaction such as &quot;wow, that is twice as much as my baby weighed&quot; or &quot;wow, that is half what my baby weighed&quot; and they may share these comments with the parents. If a baby weighs 6 lbs, or 9 lbs, that's unlikely to provoke a reaction from anyone. But 4 lbs, or 13 pounds, probably will. There's no point in anyone telling you &quot;here is a thing to say when a baby is really big&quot; though - either something pops into your head or it doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One exception would be a very tiny baby, say 3 lbs or less. That is a baby who is lucky to be alive, and parents who have already been through a lot by the time they send out their announcements. Be very careful what you say in this circumstance. &quot;Wow, that seems really tiny!&quot; is fine. &quot;Oh, does the baby have a lot of problems?&quot; or &quot;Will the baby grow up normal?&quot; are not. Neither are hoping that the baby will be ok, or turn out ok, etc. (Why? Because people only say things like that when there's a very good chance things won't be ok, and the parents shouldn't have to spend energy reassuring their friends at a time when the parents are the ones who need reassuring.) If you're close to them, you can acknowledge that there must have been some very scary moments and offer your support. If you're not, don't ask questions or offer opinions about the future; let the parents set the tone of the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T02:17:00.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7467" CreationDate="2017-12-01T02:17:19.053" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the short answer here is don't comment about the infant's weight unless the parent, or concerned person does. If/when that happens take their lead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a niece who was born at 4lbs 7oz she was premature by a few months. Try to keep in mind what that means for parents and family... A few months in a NICU ward hoping the little one is going to make it. Comments about how small she was would be understood, but not appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand I knew a poor woman who gave birth to a strapping big 12.5 lb child who had a lot of jokes about the experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to assume you know how the person feels about the situation, let their face and tone tell you how to react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T02:17:19.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="494" CreationDate="2017-12-01T07:42:08.280" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Adding to the answer, I think trains offer a special case of stranger interaction.  Many European trains have those six-person rooms, and Amtrak (the US) will seat you with a stranger for dinner.  We're encouraged to talk to each other.  I've had interesting talks with people on trains, I wouldn't want to ignore someone simply because they're having a tough time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also found psychological differences between conversations on the train, and say, random street encounters.  I don't know what it is, maybe being in between here and there, life seems like it's on hold until the train arrives.  An hour-long conversion with someone she'll never see again might be appealing to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree that &quot;are you alright?&quot; is a good start.  You're making it clear that you see something is up, but also give a good 'out' for her: &quot;I'm alright, just sad&quot;.  It could very well be that she's not alright, as in, you need to go get help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3041" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T07:42:08.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7471" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7432" CreationDate="2017-12-01T11:01:56.500" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note that I am making a bit of a guess here, as this answer does not specifically address the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/unitedkingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;unitedkingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;unitedkingdom&lt;/a&gt; context. Furthermore, I am assuming a situation where both the asked and the asker somewhat do not work against each other - i.e. the asked has at least a tangential interest in helping the asker, instead of just getting the issue out of the way.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do you tactfully write that someone's reply doesn't truly answer your question?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal is to get an answer to your question. It is not to accuse the answerer of anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You simply ask again, phrasing the question differently. To the asked, it does not make any difference whether from your point of view, you are repeating the original question. In most contexts, it is completely acceptable to make them feel you are doing one of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking a new, follow-up question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inquiring explicitly about a special case that was not covered in the original question and answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Critically commenting on the answer and possibly pointing out a factual flaw that requires a revised answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the asked realizes you are actually just repeating the question in other words - fine. They will be happy you did not make an issue out of it (which, I'd say, does count as tactful behaviour). If they don't - just as well. They will not feel embarrassed, and possibly yet provide a more fitting answer the next time, in case they realize only then the expected level of detail/coverage of certain aspects/etc. when you ask questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7862" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T11:01:56.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7467" CreationDate="2017-12-01T11:14:48.223" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just say &quot;congratulations&quot; and don't comment on the weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why people always announce the weight of the baby, I don't know. Perhaps the new mum just wants everybody to know how difficult it was to deliver / carry around for the last 9 months!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it helps you to stop worrying, a baby's weight at birth is largely irrelevant. Babies come in all shapes and sizes and in normal circumstances can be born up to 2 weeks early or up to 2 weeks late which can mean a whole extra month's growth between one baby and another. Also, babies are born with an excess of 'brown fat'. This is burned up over the first few days of their life while they wait for their mother's milk to come through. Babies look way skinnier a few days after their birth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Healthy weight / growth of babies are plotted over time and using percentiles, so there is still huge scope for variation in their weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T17:29:02.380" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T17:29:02.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7315" CreationDate="2017-12-01T12:29:23.537" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might take a different approach to this that could help you generate some revenue and set boundaries at the same time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See your situation as a business.  The first thing you may want to do is setup a website with travel hacks to your area.  For example changing the currency, ahead of time, would be a great hint.  Perhaps do a budgeting tool for each night.  Perhaps a travel guide to the best spots, etc... By using either youtube or a website you could generate ad revenue.  Alternatively, if someone is already doing a great job at it, you can point your &quot;friends&quot; to those resources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, only do AirBnB or some other rent a room type thing to your place.  Sure you would be happy to let them crash at your place for $x per night.  Just see my url to check for availability.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing such things might make you some money, but more importantly communicates something very different.  Would you expect an AirBnB host to make you dinner each night or cover your shortfalls for travel?  Of course not.  Just charging for the rooms each night will do a lot to keep the worst of the freeloaders away.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is to not make exceptions for anyone, using the excuse that you have so much request for rooms that this is the only way you can manage it.  And if you drop the price too low, then all kinds of wierdos will show up.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, this is one of those &quot;problems&quot; that is disguised as a great opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5061" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T12:29:23.537" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7474" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7478" CreationDate="2017-12-01T12:35:16.093" Score="23" ViewCount="8506" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is about me and my ex-best friend Alice. I'm currently living in the UK. Alice and I had been very good friends from about September last year, up until the beginning of this month. I had a huge crush on her since about February.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It all really starts going downhill in April, when we had our last day of school, and we hung out all day which was fantastic. I enjoyed it and still class it as one of my favourite days that I've ever had. I met a lot of her family, and they all seemed to quite like me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this, I was extremely concerned about losing her as my best friend. As I got a job and she continued school, I expected there wouldn't be a lot of time to meet up with her. I had a lot of people reassuring me that everything would be fine, and that I wouldn't lose her. I tried to make sure that through summer we hung out as much as we could, in case it was the last time I saw her for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I proposed many times to meet up and have a day out, but she declined for the following reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She was busy and she couldn't make plans&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She'd &amp;quot;check her schedule&amp;quot; and completely avoid further conversations regarding the topic&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We'd agree to meet up, and she'd either text me on the day that she couldn't come out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We'd agree to meet up and I'd get to the meeting point for her to not show up or reply to my messages.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On any of these occasions, she'd talk to me again the day after and act as if nothing had ever happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was starting to get a bit much and I was becoming depressed. My family was starting to pick up on this and recommended I stop talking to her. I was reluctant to do this, until November when I decided I had to do it to save myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her very softly that due to my inability to get over her despite nothing ever becoming of us, I had to stop talking to her, at least for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She agreed and we wished each other the best. This is where I might have made a mistake. I did NOT delete her from my social media. I felt there was no need to since I thought what could be so bad about looking every now and again. I still didn't dislike her, I wanted to make sure she was doing well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the duration of the last month, there have been multiple stories on her SnapChat that were aimed at no-one but made me paranoid that I have hurt her feelings with my reaction to our situation. These are some examples (profanity removed)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;Walking away from your problems because you can't handle your own stuff. Why can't you just be different&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;If you have ever left me or stopped talking to me for any reason, don't come back without 10 good reasons why I should let you&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not positive that these posts are about me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I ask Alice tactfully about whether these posts are about me without causing distress and conflict? My end aim is to find out if she is hurt because of me, and if she is, try and figure out a way to make it so it won't hurt her. If it's not possible to prevent that pain, I'd like to at least try minimize it. If not, then it's none of my business and I can continue as I was&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9697" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T14:15:57.327" Title="How can I tactfully ask someone whether posts they made are potentially about me on social media?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7474" CreationDate="2017-12-01T13:16:53.650" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your extensively detailed question it seems you had very good and well-understood reasons for stopping the interaction with this person, which you had communicated to her as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Over the duration of the last month, there have been multiple stories on her SnapChat that were aimed at no-one but made me paranoid that I have hurt her feelings with my reaction to our situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no way to be sure that her social media comments were even aimed at you. &lt;em&gt;Why couldn't they be aimed at someone else,&lt;/em&gt; or simply be her venting her general frustration? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping the social media part aside as inconclusive and ambiguous, not to mention off-topic for this site, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;there is nothing really stopping you from making an attempt to communicate with her again and see how it goes&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; -- especially since you say you parted ways amicably. You can directly approach her in person or by voice call/ text message/ emails. You can make a sincere effort to be friendly again and drop it if she does not give you an encouraging response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I would advise that you go ahead and do it &lt;strong&gt;only if you really want to re-establish interaction with this person&lt;/strong&gt;, I say: not because 'others want' you to attempt it -- and you should be be prepared for cold or unpleasant outcomes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, whatever she actually &lt;em&gt;says&lt;/em&gt; about it, you can assess her tone of voice, facial expression and body language to know whether she is feeling cold or hostile to you or really wants you back in her life. Depending on which you can take appropriate further steps in this matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Again, there is any &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; use talking with her after this break &lt;em&gt;only if&lt;/em&gt; you are seriously interested in re-establishing that friendship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't really want to do it, there is no sense in making a half-hearted effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T13:50:55.803" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T13:50:55.803" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7337" CreationDate="2017-12-01T13:17:58.937" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is ambiguity (without knowing ALL the context) whether it is a joke ABOUT racial inequality/discrimination/stereotyping or a joke ADVOCATING such. The need to clear up which of these meanings was intended gives you a perfectly good reason to politely confront and ask, which is a good lead-in to have a discussion about contexts where the first kind of joke is or is not appropriate. The second kind, obviously, simply is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T13:17:58.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7477" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7474" CreationDate="2017-12-01T13:26:20.030" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem with these situations is that if you insinuate that you think it's about you, it might just become so. But more likely is that she wrote this in a sudden bout of anger and sadness and didn't wholly mean it. I've found that bringing it up at all is often a mistake, and that you can ascertain if you were meant by it very quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the question only you can answer is if you want to start talking to her again. If you really want to know, the best way to find out is to casually start talking to her again. If she doesn't bring it up on her own, one of two things is true:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It was never about you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It was about you, but she wasn't serious&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is functionally equivalent in your case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice boils down to start talking to her like usual again, and don't bring it up. Bringing it up, no matter how gently, has a real risk of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Causing her to feel as if she hurt you with her posts (From your question and your obvious care about her I can see this is not you goal)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Making her think you feel guilty and coming to the sort of foregone conclusion that you did something even though you didn't&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my own very painful experience people often say things on social media they don't mean and assuming that they a) mean every word and b) it's about you when you have very little reason to believe so &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; serves to make you miserable and maybe even make her miserable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm saying this as someone who has been on both sides of this. I have both  accidentally guilt tripped people for no reason when they were just ranting and had a bad day and I've been that person who made unspecified angry social media posts to vent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T13:26:20.030" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7474" CreationDate="2017-12-01T13:30:28.850" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're massively overthinking this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Walking away from your problems because you can't handle your own stuff. Why can't you just be different&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're worried about her, a simple way to enquire would be to ask her something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hey, are you okay? You sound like you just had a bad breakup.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also ask the same to one of her friends. The best thing about this sentence is that it is true: you are worried about her feelings... and she does sound like she's depressed because of someone. Also this sentence does not make it sound like you think it's about you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, don't go assuming it is because of you. It probably isn't. Maybe she's frustrated about someone else, or some event you don't know about, which is the most likely option. Just because you think about her a lot... doesn't mean everything she does is about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit more explanation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I proposed many times to meet up and have a day out, but there were a couple of outcomes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was busy / &amp;quot;check her schedule&amp;quot; and completely avoid further conversations regarding the topic / canceled&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either she was interested in you and playing hard to get, or (much more likely) she was not interested in you romantically and you have been cluelessly chasing her, causing much embarrassment for both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We'd agree to meet up and I'd get to the meeting point for her to not show up or reply to my messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leaving you out in the cold is a rude and disrespectful way to convey her point, so I think we can rule out &amp;quot;playing hard to get&amp;quot; here. Besides, why you would want to date, befriend, or even care about someone who disrespects you like this is beyond me. You did the right thing in cutting contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you be happy if any of your friends stood you up like that, without even a text to say they were unable to meet? Probably not! Friends are supposed to be people you can count on. Treat her the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, you mention:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On any of these occasions, she'd talk to me again the day after and act as if nothing had ever happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Standing you up is already a red flag. However, accidents do happen (phone runs out of batteries, car breaks down...) but any decent person would apologize the next day and certainly not make it a habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Not apologizing for this is a massive red flag.&lt;/strong&gt; Value your time, don't let other people waste it, you can choose not to be a pushover...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where I might have made a mistake. I did NOT delete her from my social media.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, yeah. So instead of asking her if she's OK, deleting her from your social media and moving on is also a very viable option. The best option IMO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still worry about her, you can ask for closure, then once you have your answer, unfriend her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T13:41:45.457" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7474" CreationDate="2017-12-01T13:56:58.697" Score="20" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If you have ever left me or stopped talking to me for any reason, don't come back without 10 good reasons why I should let you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, and I'm aware that this isn't really IPS centered, but comments like that ooze with a sense of self importance and will cause me to not &quot;come back&quot; purely as a point of principle. Expecting people to explicitly justify why they think they're allowed to talk to you is grossly arrogant, in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is a personal opinion and not necessarily your opinion, but if you were my friend, I would offer that advice. No one deserves to be treated like that, this is an IPS failure from her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feel free to disagree, I'm not pushing this point any further :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Over the duration of the last month, there have been multiple stories on her SnapChat that were aimed at no-one but made me paranoid that I have hurt her feelings with my reaction to our situation. These are some examples (profanity removed)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've somewhat answered your own question here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;made me paranoid that I have hurt her feelings with my reaction to our situation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is the core of your concern, then address that concern with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure whether I'd mention having seen the social media posts. I think it's best to omit it, to not distract from your intended topic of conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thinking back on our last conversation, I think that my reaction may have hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to hurt you, I was trying to avoid a situation that was hurting me. But I suspect that I ended up hurting you in the process. I want to apologize for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've filled in some blanks here, based on what I infer from your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I ask Alice tactfully about whether these posts are about me without causing distress and conflict?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a first response, I would say don't ask. She will have likely &lt;em&gt;intended&lt;/em&gt; for her messages to be vague and indirect. Posts like that are often made with an underlying &quot;you know who you are&quot; idea behind them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that's (technically) not an answer to the question of &lt;strong&gt;how&lt;/strong&gt; to ask it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to ask the question, then I would suggest you &lt;strong&gt;don't ask the question, but rather talk about how you feel&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I saw your recent posts, and they made me think back on our last conversation. &lt;strong&gt;I'm not sure if they were directed at me&lt;/strong&gt;, but regardless, I do feel [...].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice the emphasis not &lt;em&gt;not knowing&lt;/em&gt; whether they were directed at you. You are not in any way saying that you &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; they were directed at you (because you don't actually know that), but you are conveying that you &lt;strong&gt;think they might&lt;/strong&gt; be directed at you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you directly ask her to confirm, you're going to run into friction:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she was directing the messages at you, she may not want to explicitly say so (hence the vague messages to begin with)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she expected you to realize that it was about you, asking for confirmation may &lt;strong&gt;upset&lt;/strong&gt; her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she was directing the messages at someone else, then your question can be inferred to be presumptuous.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she was directing the messages at someone else, and is also actively upset with you, then your question can be inferred to be intrusive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't walk into a minefield if you don't know where the mines are. Talk &lt;em&gt;about&lt;/em&gt; the minefield, and let her fill in the blanks. If she wants you to know that the messages were directed at you, &lt;strong&gt;she will tell you voluntarily&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I left [...] blank, because I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you trying to reconnect? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you trying to figure out if you were the intended recipient of the messages? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you trying to re-explain your response, in a way that hurts her less (or not at all), but without the intention of reconnecting?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you'd want to apologize for having hurt her; you can refer to the earlier example I noted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T13:56:58.697" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7482" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7489" CreationDate="2017-12-01T16:26:54.817" Score="25" ViewCount="5759" Body="&lt;p&gt;My brother and I are both 24, male, and twins (though we are fraternal and as physically different as possible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have a healthy sibling relationship with many shared interests (video games, book series, TV series etc.). When I was at his house, I went to Bing a question on his laptop and saw that he had pornographic furry websites open. He must have forgotten to close them and I didn't say anything about them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, as the title suggests, I am also a connoisseur of such material and could suggest/share some websites or art that we have a shared interested in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, as close as we are, we have not discussed our sexual interests and starting might be awkward. We both live in the Unites States and this type of interest is usually frowned upon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One possible issue that I would want considered is that he is shy and might reject that he has this interest and I definitely don't want to shame him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9709" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T17:41:32.160" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T17:50:38.293" Title="How to talk to my brother about a shared interest in pornographic furry material?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7482" CreationDate="2017-12-01T16:43:20.443" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just casually bring it up in conversation. Maybe start by talking about cartoon crushes you had when you were younger. Surely you guys must have also watched the same cartoons. Bring up something from Disney or something, a lot of anthropomorphic animals in Disney.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you probably don't want to do is mention what you saw on his computer. Let him bring up being a furry. Maybe talk about furry related things, but never out right mention it. If you want to bond with him about it, it seems like it will have to start with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to make it sexual either, might make it awkward, at the start at least. Start off slow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8882" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T16:43:20.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7484" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7487" CreationDate="2017-12-01T16:44:05.547" Score="12" ViewCount="2035" Body="&lt;p&gt;The situation is that I spent about 12 years doing activity X. For a while, I really enjoyed it but about 4 years ago that stopped. I no longer got enjoyment from the activity itself, it took a significant portion of time out of my weekend and the thought of going would make me very anxious. However, my mother had been taking me since I was a teenager and took a great deal of pride in me going (and enjoyed a social side of things).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of years ago I found that due to health reasons I couldn't engage in this activity for a while. This has now been resolved but I had actually been very glad I had a legitimate excuse not to go. Now this no longer applies I am feeling pressure to go back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She drives me there and hangs out with other friends/family of active participants. The drive over and back is long and is the only extended period we get with just us since I started working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want advice on is &lt;strong&gt;how to have the conversation that I would rather not go back to this activity&lt;/strong&gt;, and maybe find something else that we could bond over instead (as this social interaction with just me and her was one of the few things I genuinely enjoyed about it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be best to be straight about not wanting to do it, or do you think there might be a solution likely to hurt her feelings less?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9711" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T18:21:08.093" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T18:21:08.093" Title="How do I tell my mother that I am no longer interested in an activity?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7482" CreationDate="2017-12-01T16:49:55.613" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would come out myself - share my own interest, giving him plenty of opportunity to express his own interest, and building for him an environment in which it feels safe to do so, before asking him directly.  That way, he won't feel pressured, and his interests will be normalized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, maybe say, &quot;hey, check this out,&quot; and pull up a yiff or something.  Mention the site you got it from, and that there's a whole world out there, and see how he engages.  If he doesn't or he clams up, drop the topic and let him choose when to discuss it with you.  The odds are good that he'll respond to what you're doing.  If his response is neutral or reserved, I might ask, &quot;what do you think of this stuff?&quot; or something like that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's too forward for you, then something more passive might work - 'accidentally' drop a printout of a yiff or something and see how he responds to it.  I'd definitely recommend a more direct approach over this though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And remember, just because he's viewed it once, doesn't mean that he's actually into it.  Be careful not to project your expectations onto him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T16:49:55.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7484" CreationDate="2017-12-01T16:56:29.673" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a situation where you are just going to have to sit down with your mother, and explain that you are no longer interested in the activity. It will help if you find out why she takes such pride in that particular activity, and why it is important to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will need to make it clear to her that it isn't an activity you have enjoyed for quite a long time, and if she pursues it, you may have to tell her that you continued participation solely because you knew it gave her enjoyment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk with her about what you are currently interested in, why it is important to you, and see if there are ways that she can participate in your current interests in a similar fashion as to how she used to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is part of maturing, learning to communicate with your parents on a more adult, person to person level, as well as relating to them as a parent. You might feel awkward or hesitant, but the alternative is to just push down your feelings completely and continue the activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T16:56:29.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7484" CreationDate="2017-12-01T17:01:23.923" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest you to first try to come up with activities, that have the same advantage as the old one, but not the downsides, and will potentially be fun for both of you.&#xA;Then ask to have a talk  with her alone and tell her how you feel about the activity now. I would convey the following points in this order&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;First tell her it's about that activity&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You enjoyed it for a long time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Now, the only thing you enjoy about it, is the &lt;strong&gt;time you spend with her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her you don't want to continue it, but don't want to lose out on the time spend with her alone&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Come up with your other suggestions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you tell her early that you enjoy the time with her. You needn't be so explicit about how long it has been going on, but be honest if she asks - still note the bright side and why you carried on with it. If you are dishonest, she may find out and then also doubt the other things you said. Also make sure, that the other suggestions are sensible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T17:01:23.923" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7482" CreationDate="2017-12-01T17:14:22.290" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is this question purely about furry &lt;em&gt;pornography&lt;/em&gt;? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems like approaching from a less explicitly sexual angle may accomplish the same goal without as much potential for embarrassment or awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my admittedly limited knowledge of the furry subculture it's not &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; about kink, there is also a fair amount of general fantasy fandom. Granted an awful lot of it is about kink, but a soft approach would probably be better given the circumstances and some folks really do enjoy the art and role-play for less sexual reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure if you've been in that scene for a while you're somewhat aware of this, and probably aware of some of the more common, but less sexual furry interests... Like popular animes, cartoons, graphic novels, books, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a few friends that were into that scene, and have definitely seen and heard them converse about it as friends in a non-sexual way. Just thinking that this will probably be the better way to go about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T17:43:31.990" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T17:43:31.990" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7432" CreationDate="2017-12-01T17:21:33.467" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ah, thank you for explaining the connection between A and Z!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you please also explain Q?  To reiterate the key point from my earlier (rather lengthy) email:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How exactly does Q integrate with Z to provide X?  And how many P can I expect from Q because of Z?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing wrong with simply reiterating your question.  Just &lt;strong&gt;be sure to acknowledge the information they gave you,&lt;/strong&gt; even if it wasn't what you wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Acknowledgement is the key.  When you acknowledge &lt;em&gt;first,&lt;/em&gt; they will not be upset or offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you can't make head or tail of the response, you can still acknowledge the &lt;em&gt;fact that they responded.&lt;/em&gt;  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi B,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for your rapid response.  I'm sorry, but I don't really understand what you're telling me about F.  Is that connected in some way to Q?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would like to know is how Q works.  More exactly, my question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How exactly does Q integrate with Z to provide X?  And how many P can I expect from Q because of Z?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just politely repeat the question.  It actually works better if you repeat the &lt;em&gt;exact&lt;/em&gt; question than anything else, providing of course that you word your question clearly and succinctly in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I know this is an unusual suggestion to repeat the &lt;em&gt;exact&lt;/em&gt; question rather than changing it up; all I have to say is: try it.  You're likely to be surprised.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but I have observed the results carefully and I speak from experience, not intuition.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1919" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T17:21:33.467" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7474" CreationDate="2017-12-01T17:39:47.967" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've made this mistake in at least one relationship. I think the one thing missing from the other answers is to focus your consideration on the negative outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are obviously not over her, and I know from personal experience how gut wrenching it is to see stuff like this. The human mind does not do well with dissonance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your dissonance here is that  you are mourning this person being gone from your life, but they are not really gone. These feelings are natural, the fear of being alone, missing out, heart break, have all served humankind well, as our large organizational groups are a synergy that allow us to thrive as a species.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did you know that you would go insane by wearing clothes if your nervous system was not able to squelch the constant input of contact from the cloth? Similarly with these feelings, they say time is the most important thing. Your memory will begin to fade, the pain will subside, to be replaced with occasional pleasant memories of past times with her. If you do not squelch the constant input, you &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; go mad, as I'm sure you can see.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without this time you are being driven by your emotions, not your intellect. This &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; cause you trouble. Emotions are fickle and often irrational, it's the ability of our prefrontal cortex to be self-aware that let's us operate above the emotional level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it. Did you really keep her social media connections because you wanted to ensure her well being? The fact that you've posted this question tends to make me think that you were &lt;em&gt;hoping&lt;/em&gt; to get an inside track on if she felt negatively about breaking contact with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also think about this: to use that information as leverage in a conversation is emotionally  manipulative, especially if it's not about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really do care about her, think about what thrusting yourself back into her life will do. If she saw the break off as a bitter but good thing and is trying to heal, your contact will be incredibly painful and insensitive to her (just like her social posts are tearing you up).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this isn't about you and she's indifferent, this will be incredibly painful and insensitive to yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only case where this doesn't go badly is if there is mutual desire, which seems pretty unlikely at this point. Either she is not interested, she's emotionally unhealthy/immature, or too unsure about the future to make a decision like you want her to make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of it from this perspective. If she sees you are still her friend, perhaps she &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; saying something to you. But passive aggressive posts on social media are not a healthy way to communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you unfriend her, and these messages really were about you, the likelihood that she will use a more direct communication method becomes much higher, and if she doesn't reach out because of spite or pride, then I'd say you are better off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is something freeing about being &quot;zen&quot; in situations like this. Realize that you don't have control. Let go of her and wish her well in your thoughts. Indulge in remembering the happiness you felt spending time with her for a few minutes in the morning, then breath deep, smile, and kick the day's ass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps in time, when you both mature and learn more about what you want in life, you will connect again, but perhaps not. You need to honestly be ok with either outcome before you ever contemplate contacting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO you are not at that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you broke contact, you told her how you feel, and why you felt it was important. If she doesn't initiate contact, that all still stands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfriend her, and live your best life. I &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; it is harder done than said, but do it for your sanity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9716" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T17:39:47.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7493" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7482" CreationDate="2017-12-01T18:31:30.950" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One possible issue that I would want considered is that he is shy and&#xA;  might reject that he has this interest and I definitely don't want to&#xA;  shame him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that part is crucial to how you approach this. This mutual interest has been stigmatized in popular culture, like it or not, which could result in your brother feeling embarrassed and closing himself off to you in this context. That &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; create awkwardness for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal is to open up on &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; sides and have someone close to you with whom you can talk about this openly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps what you saw was him just checking it out and he does not have an interest. It is perfectly natural for people to get curious and look at things that they have no real interest in. It is called &quot;educating oneself.&quot; Or this could be a genuine interest. &lt;em&gt;You have no idea without asking, and asking is a risk&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is easy to see that one piece of concrete evidence and let your brain start connecting dots that are not connected. Maybe he just likes foxes. People can like animals, real or not (e.g. dragons) without a sexual connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend holding off and paying closer attention to clues in the future. You want to have someone to talk about this private topic with, but you do not want to close any doors, either. You need to be sure and not assume anything, else you risk damaging your relationship with your brother. Maybe broach the sexual topic first, without any fetishes. Maybe drop a comment (just one) about a sexual relationship you had, and see how he reacts. I never talked about this with my brother until we were adults, then we shared all sorts of interesting stories. But it took baby steps for us to open up: perhaps the same approach will work for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7098" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T18:31:30.950" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7482" CreationDate="2017-12-01T18:33:34.953" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As with all topics in the area of sex, this is going to be a personal and &quot;scary&quot; conversation. Your best bet is to follow the same rules as if your material was more main stream. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One time, when its usually quite and you guys are alone, like after diner or something, start the conversation. You want the time to be relaxed and normal.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start with, this morning I happened to be closing your laptop and noticed that you were looking at &quot;blah blah blah&quot;. What I like looking at is &quot;blah blah blah&quot;. Then keep the statements and comments focused on your self.  You your &quot;I&quot; statements. Put your self at risk. Don't say &quot;well you do it too&quot; or any thing like that. Talk about your self, your interests and what not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let your brother come back to you with questions and comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you need to really, REALLY, decide what you want out of this interaction. Your brother may not share that goal and there may be a disconnect. You are also putting your self at risk. If you start talking and he comes in with the &quot;while I never&quot;s then it's time to go &quot;ok, well just so you know I do, catch ya later.&quot; Be aware of the risk you are taking, and if it goes south be prepared to go down alone, and what ever you do don't start in with the petty &quot;you too&quot; style comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T18:33:34.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7498" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-01T21:09:31.140" Score="10" ViewCount="593" Body="&lt;p&gt;I mostly work alone on my own programming projects as a hobby, but often come up with projects that are far too big to work on myself, so a few months ago I started searching for open source projects on GitHub that matched my interests and skill level.  After doodling around on a few projects but not doing very much, I ran across a project that I used to use as a kid that is now overhauling itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After reading the contributing guide and looking around, I started to fix bugs that I found and a few other reported issues. I did this for about a week and every pull request I made to include the fixes (with rather detailed descriptions) was closed. I was told to make an issue for all of them, so I made issues for all of them, fixed the bug, referenced the issue, and submitted the PRs - only to be told that they really didn't want me to work on things other than issues with a certain label, &quot;help wanted&quot;, which I am not good at fixing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate that what they have offered for me to do is not something that I find enjoyable or am capable of doing?  I really like this program and would like to help out but I feel like I am not appreciated and should leave.  Is this a situation where I should cut my losses and find another project?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: This is my first non-personal project on GitHub so I might be going about this the wrong way.  Are there any unwritten or written guidelines to follow when trying to join a project?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2202" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T22:49:55.197" LastActivityDate="2020-02-02T05:12:01.763" Title="How to communicate to an Open Source Project that I want more responsibility after being rebuffed every time I try to help?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;volunteering&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7498" CreationDate="2017-12-01T21:17:05.783" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Open source GitHubs are often catty nightmares that don't actually care about adding other people's contributions to their code base. &quot;Submit a patch&quot; is basically used to tell people to eff off, and, if you do actually submit that patch, they find some wacky reason to reject it. This is an incredibly common experience with open source projects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's effectively an unlimited number of entities out there who would love free labor from you though, so find something else that is at least somewhat worth your time, and don't take the experience personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Any ideas on what to do as a teenager wanting to work alongside professionals for the experience? – dalearn 50 mins ago&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly this is what so-called professional adults are like in situations where your paycheck (and thus ability to eat) is on the line too, so I regret to inform you that you're already learning what it's like. That said, my advice to young people is to not get sucked into the ideals that the open source community espouses--much of it is just an attempt to get free labor, and don't do anything you don't get value out of. When it works, open source/free software is a mutual exchange so that people all over don't have to reinvent the wheel and give back their own proverbial wheel designs, when it doesn't, it's a scam to not have to hire or pay employees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Absolutely volunteer to open source projects in order to get skills and build a portfolio, but don't act like an employee if they're not paying you, and don't waste your time with people who don't want your help even if you really like the project. I couldn't give you specific ideas of projects to look at without knowing what you're interested in, but I guarantee you there's a project that both wants your presence and that you will enjoy working on. Keep looking, there's millions of 'em!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9724" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-12-01T23:41:15.233" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T23:41:15.233" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7432" CreationDate="2017-12-01T22:02:15.163" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The current responses cover a number of different useful approaches. Which you take depends on context, and the preferred outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for the information about [the wrong topic]. It's great reference for [general company info/ approach to some problem or anything true]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Repeat your question] I wanted information on [the right topic].&#xA;[Give an example of the type of information you're looking for] I may not be using the right term. Maybe [right synonym 1] or [right synonym 2] would be better. Which would you suggest?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a friendly relationship with this person, then a bit of humor can often take the sting out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sometimes an idiot when I send emails in a rush :( Must remember to stop doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people accept that communication can be difficult. Be upfront and kind in the interaction. The best measure for me is how I would react if the email was send to my partner. If you would accept that, then the tone is appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9727" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T22:05:31.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7498" CreationDate="2017-12-01T22:38:14.127" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mention &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/7498/how-to-communicate-to-an-open-source-project-that-i-want-more-responsibility-aft?noredirect=1#comment29122_7498&quot;&gt;in a comment&lt;/a&gt; that they only wanted help on issues labeled &quot;help wanted&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... they didn't want you helping with things they didn't want help on. Don't take it personally - there's many reasons why they might not want a random person messing with other issues, particularly during an overhaul as you describe. For example, they could be in the middle of a major redesign which affects lots of files, and they don't want someone else interfering and making conflicting changes. They may have a &quot;vision&quot; and don't want to take time out from implementing it to bring a newcomer up to speed. Or they simply don't have the manpower to vet substantive changes from somebody that is not yet a trusted contributor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I communicate that what they have offered for me to do is not something that I find enjoyable or am capable of doing? I really like this program and would like to help out but I feel like I am not appreciated and should leave. Is this a situation where I should cut my losses and find another project?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately it's their project, their rules. They've told you what contributions they will accept - demanding to be allowed to join their project won't win them over. Remember to them, you are just a random internet stranger right now, so it is on you to convince them you can work well with the team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you have a few choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Help out in the way that they prefer, which could lead to them trusting you more and eventually allowing you to work on more interesting features.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Fork the project, work on what you like. Maybe they will incorporate it back later, maybe (probably) not. But you will get experience on the project for your own personal benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find another project which is welcoming contributions of the type you prefer.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-12-01T22:38:14.127" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7505" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7266" CreationDate="2017-12-02T10:43:47.560" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said in a comment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I felt she was waiting for something like my e-mail address,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and indeed it may be usual to reciprocate. But you don't have to. Nor, indeed, do you have to send her any email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just thank her and say that you sending her an email will be the easiest way to give her your email address. Don't explicitly promise to do so: just state the fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the previous interactions, you might also act surprised that she's given you her address, but perhaps it was a clumsy way of trying to bury the past and actually keep in touch. Why burn bridges? If she &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; want to keep in touch, it's now entirely your choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can make that choice at leisure, and give yourself an escape route if you're still unsure: use a throwaway email address for that first email, and see how things go. Only migrate to your real email address if you are comfortable doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1571" LastActivityDate="2017-12-02T10:43:47.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7507" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-02T14:00:59.620" Score="1" ViewCount="383" Body="&lt;p&gt;Suppose you're living with your spouse and going through some problems with your spouse. You've addressed the problems several times with her but your spouse has been unwilling to pay attention to you and has been ignoring you. When you talk to her she simply tells you to shut up. Part of the problem is that she doesn't respect your right to privacy and keeps looking at your mobile finding lame excuses to grab your password and read your stuff and delete information she doesn't like from your accounts, at the same time unwilling to talk to you about your stuff directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to talk to someone about it. All you have is your mobile phone. You are thinking of posting all of your problems on a chat or on a social network like Facebook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that this seeking help in this manner may label you as a complainer. Plus, once you meet up with your spouse and these people they may use the information to judge how poor a couple you are, and look negatively and sorry about how the couple is not working out. This may in turn also help malicious people wanting to break the couple up. My partner is also expecting. How can I best share what I am going through with others without having my relationship status lose its good points from other people's point of view?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9748" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2017-12-02T15:02:51.377" LastActivityDate="2017-12-02T15:58:50.577" Title="How can I vent my relationship frustrations without potentially devaluing my relationship to others?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-12-02T18:45:52.450" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7507" CreationDate="2017-12-02T15:58:50.577" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I best share what I am going through with others without having my relationship status lose its good points from other people's point of view?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Only share information and details with people you trust to treat that information respectfully.&lt;/strong&gt; If you think someone may use the information to judge you or try to break you up, don't share it with them. If you don't know, don't share it with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're thinking about posting a complaint on social media, first consider if you would feel comfortable telling each and every person on your friends list the same thing, face-to-face. If not - don't post it. It's one thing to vent to a trusted friend who you know has your best interests in mind, and quite another to tell the whole internet &quot;ugh I'm so mad at my spouse right now&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Private problems are best resolved privately, for the reasons you noted. In addition, airing your &quot;dirty laundry&quot; in public can lead to resentment from your partner. They may be embarrassed or angry at you for bringing other people into your private life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that you don't have anyone else to talk to about your relationship problems, I strongly suggest finding a relationship counselor. You can go on your own, or with your partner. Psychologists have a professional code of conduct to not share what you talk about there, and they're an impartial third party who is focused only on helping you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the short term, you could also consider &lt;em&gt;anonymous&lt;/em&gt; internet forums for relationship advice; this would allow you to vent to people and even get feedback, but without embarrassing your spouse by having it tied to your identity(ies). I've done this before using throwaway accounts, when I was frustrated with my boyfriend for things I knew were petty but wanted to vent and get it out. However, I would not recommend this long term - for serious issues, you really should seek &quot;real life&quot; professional support, who will be able to get the whole picture and help you work through it appropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-12-02T15:58:50.577" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7509" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7530" CreationDate="2017-12-02T19:48:40.880" Score="60" ViewCount="23602" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a boyfriend, but still live with my parents and siblings. We've been dating for 8 months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that every time I have a spare moment with my significant other (SO) not present, someone's bound to ask me why&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why are/were you not with [boyfriend] right now/tomorrow/next weekend/yesterday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes even adding the question if we're having a fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question comes from my parents, siblings, one further family member and some friends. It creates the impression with me that I either have to be at work or with my boyfriend or otherwise have a really good reason why I'm doing something else (if I do give a reason as an answer, I can even expect some arguing about it). It annoys me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have explained to my parents and siblings that I don't want to have to justify myself for this every time and they answered: &quot;You don't have to justify yourself, of course not.&quot; and then continued the question each following time. So I respond each time with that I don't want to justify myself. This gets them upset: &quot;We're just interested in your life!&quot; / &quot;We just want to know if you're having a fight!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to &lt;strong&gt;have a way to make these questions stop and/or deflect them as fast as possible without giving any reasons.&lt;/strong&gt; Preferably this should not create bad feelings for anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I don't want to give any reason, even if there is one they'd understand, because if my SO and I ever really would be in a fight, I'd like to resolve it between us without nosy people interfering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a &quot;why are you bothering me&quot;, as at other times they express the desire to spend more time with me. This is also not a &quot;why haven't you moved out yet&quot;, since we're planning on that and they know the timeframe, which is pretty soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9755" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T04:25:14.520" LastActivityDate="2020-03-02T11:07:25.190" Title="Answer to: &quot;Why aren't you with your boyfriend right now?&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;explaining&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7510" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-02T20:24:58.303" Score="81" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bit left field but this happened to me recently and I just kind of laughed and shouted:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Because I'm a strong independent woman who don't need no man!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: in response to Vality's comment, the above expression is a pop culture meme, so you don't need to be a woman (or dating a man) to say it. Although, in that case it would depend more on the humour and temperament of the asker (possibly their age as well, but they still might get the joke even without knowing the meme). This is just what worked for me.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It served the purpose of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being humorous, thus reducing any tension or awkwardness&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Expressing in a non-confrontational way that I thought the question was silly and that I didn't feel the need to seriously justify myself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Although it's a joke, it still explains my view pretty well, ie. that my boyfriend and I don't need to be around each other 24/7 and that we live fairly independent lives. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In addition to that, it focuses on &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt;. So whoever's asking doesn't think this is a situation I'm unhappy with, being forced into, or that something is wrong in the relationship. &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; simply chose not to hang out with him today.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Dismissive enough that it puts a stop to that line of questioning (at least on this occasion). Repeat the exact line every subsequent time you're asked (perhaps growing slower and more emphasised each time!) and they will soon get the idea.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess the downfall might be that they might take you somewhat seriously and imagine that you've gone and broken up with your boyfriend. (I said the above statement after it had already been made clear from the conversation that we were still happily together.) If that's likely, something more like &quot;Because I'm a strong independent woman who doesn't need to spend every waking moment with her man!&quot; would do nicely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2244" LastEditorUserId="2244" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T20:24:22.707" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T20:24:22.707" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-02T20:40:35.827" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, you can always tell the truth:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;It's none of your business.&quot; or &quot;It's private.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option, which is also the truth, would be to explain that in a good relationship, each partner must give the other some space to do what they want, which makes the time they spend together more enjoyable. For example, if you enjoy reading, and he enjoys playing drums, doing both together in the same room would probably not be a good idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example I enjoy cycling and MTB, while my GF does not. Simple, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you could &lt;strong&gt;turn the question around&lt;/strong&gt; and ask &quot;why is your husband/wife/boy/girlfriend not there?&quot; and let them figure it out. I think this one would be the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also answer a completely different question, and describe what you're currently doing. If you are reading a book, you can say &quot;I really enjoy this book. We're not joined at the hip you know.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this does not work, and they keep picking your brains, you can just nuke it  and pick one of the following at random:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Which boyfriend?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's been abducted by aliens.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I need time to think about my pregnancy. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's with his other girlfriend. We have threesomes every tuesday night.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We had a fight about my girlfriend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Etcetera, season to taste.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the reaction, add &quot;Well you asked&quot; then, optionally &quot;just kidding.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-12-02T21:24:03.503" LastActivityDate="2017-12-02T21:24:03.503" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7512" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7516" CreationDate="2017-12-02T21:11:32.483" Score="136" ViewCount="33589" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some context: my girlfriend and I have been dating for a year, and we've decided to move in together now that she has graduated and found a job in her chosen career.  We're both financially independent, and made this decision after a lot of communication on the subject.  This will be her first time moving out of her parents' house (she is in her mid 20's, oldest of many children) but I've been living on my own for several years (due to university being in a separate city than my hometown, and we met shortly after I moved across the country for my first career position).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her mother is, in a word, nosy.  To her, there are to be no boundaries between parent and child.  It irritates my girlfriend, as she is now an adult with the freedom of a teenager, and we've been using my existing apartment as a 'safe haven' from her mother.  Her mother has in turn, been driving past my house every day on her work, covering it up as it being on the way to work, but it is a significant deviation of what should be her normal path.  She has also frequently stated that she would like to see the inside of my house, however I know this is because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has expressed disbelief that I am capable of living on my own without help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She knows that her daughter spends quite a lot of time here, which frustrates her 'no privacy' policy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is quick to judge peoples' financial and personal situations based upon superficial details.  People with more than one pair of earrings or a tattoo are either deviants or potential criminals.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She masks this nosiness as a 'parents care' mentality.  She just wants her daughter to be 'safe'.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This nosiness has been extending to myself as well.  She wants to know more and more about past relationships, work, circle of friends, etc.  I'm willing to share most, but not all details, and what I don't share she tries to pry out of my girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With our recent decision to move in together, her attitudes have ramped up exponentially.  While supportive of her daughter's decision to proceed into adulthood, she has expressed multiple times that she should have the ability to show up whenever she wants.  This is obviously unwelcome, and a flagrant admission to potential trespassing.  However, I have yet to find a way to express my own distaste beyond brushing it aside as: &quot;we won't often be home anyway, due to the nature of our careers&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to resolve this in a way that does not result in cut contact, due to the fact that the rest of the family is on good terms, and since my girlfriend and I don't have any reasons to break up, so there will be interaction with the family for years to come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE:&lt;/strong&gt; Since this appears to have gotten way bigger than I could have expected (my personal IPS profile now exceeds my professional developer SO profile lol) I'll let you know how this all worked out.  Moving in was easy-peasy.  However, after a few days of settling in, GF's mother &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; come in unnanounced, and simply walked in.  I was working at the computer with my headphones on, and was very startled when GF_Mom walked in.  GF however took immediate control of this situation and laid out the boundary that we both discussed.  Since then GF and I have had a very workable relationship with her mother.  Boundary setting was the &lt;em&gt;major key&lt;/em&gt;, and informing GF_MOM that the house her daughter and I live in is private property, even if the occupant is her daughter, really hit the right note.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9758" LastEditorUserId="9758" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T00:21:51.770" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T23:12:23.087" Title="Girlfriend's nosy mother keeps expressing that she'll show up unannounced" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="18" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7515" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-02T21:46:37.120" Score="2" ViewCount="147" Body="&lt;p&gt;For an engineering class I'm taking, I've been interviewing experts in the field. The goal of these interviews is to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;learn important information on our potential customers.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;find out more about the terminology to use.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;discuss previous solutions to the potential problems my group is tackling.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;find narrower problems within this field to design our solution around.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A government office I contacted by email just set me up with a specific person (a government employee), cc'd this person, and told me to contact this person by email and arrange the date and time. According to the person who arranged this, &quot;they were happy&quot; to speak to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've always read that one should thank a person for their time after an interview, but I haven't had the interview yet, so I'm confused as to what to write. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should I thank them for choosing to accept being interviewed&lt;/strong&gt;, then ask about possible dates and times?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9761" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T17:29:32.490" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T17:29:32.490" Title="Communication while setting up an informational interview via email" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-12-03T20:00:52.140" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7512" CreationDate="2017-12-02T21:47:51.727" Score="187" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like most boundary related issues, this is one of those &quot;set a boundary and stick to it&quot; situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the boundary you set says that it isn't ok to drop by unannounced, then that's the boundary. Don't answer the door when she just drops by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her reasons for feeling that it's ok to violate boundaries are really irrelevant, because dealing with it ends up being the same regardless. You and your girlfriend set boundaries for your time and space and you stick to them whether her mother kicks and screams or not. Eventually she'll start calling before she visits or she'll stop visiting. (Most likely she'll just start calling first)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respect is a two way street, often helicopter parents have a really hard time dealing with that fact when their kids grow into early adulthood... Keep in mind that you're not asking the mother for a favor, you're drawing a simple line in the sand and reminding her that this is how adult people treat each other. It isn't, or rather shouldn't be, a big deal to extend a little mutual respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... Have a sit-down discussion with your girlfriend. Come to some agreement about what boundaries you two are comfortable setting, and then relay those to her mother. Expect to get some push back, but hold your ground and wait for the fit to pass. After a turbulent adjustment period  things should work out just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you and your girlfriend feel like being generous, you might invite the mother over for dinner once in a while to put her mind at ease, just do it on you and your gf's terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-12-02T21:56:21.310" LastActivityDate="2017-12-02T21:56:21.310" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7512" CreationDate="2017-12-02T21:55:30.547" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a real challenge for you.  I've had to deal with nosy, interfering parents as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You cannot make your significant other choose between you and her family.  Well, you can, but you won't like the outcome.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The parents don't see that they're doing anything wrong.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This has the potential to be a real source of strife between your girlfriend and you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person who needs to resolve this is your girlfriend.  You can support her, but in the end your girlfriend is the one who needs to set the rules for interaction with her mother.  Otherwise her mother will see you as interfering, controlling, and trying to &quot;break up the family&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step is to have a heart-to-heart with your GF. Find out her feelings.  If she doesn't see that this is an issue, then you've got a whole other thing to deal with.  If she does, then the two of you need to come up with a plan.  There are two schools of thought: lay down all the rules at first and then relax them, or gradually push for more behavior changes.  Both have their proponents and case.  Again, how you do this depends on your GF.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the two of you agree, I'd start by ensuring that you and only you have keys.  If Mom says that she needs keys &quot;in case of an emergency&quot; then lay out a plan where you can get keys to her in an emergency.  (A key safe is a useful thing; tell her the combo when you need her to have it.)  Secondly is to manage how much time is spent on the phone with Mom.  You don't need to be harsh, but after a couple minutes a good way to break it off is to say something like, &quot;Well, I don't have much new to report so I'm going to go.  Thanks for calling!&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With respect to unannounced visits - she can drive by; it's a public street.  There's not much you can do to stop this.  The first thing to do with visits is to chat privately.  &quot;We love seeing you, but we're pretty busy and don't always have time to entertain.  If you could call first, we can save you a lot of frustration.&quot;  If she stops by, meet her at the door, chat for a few minutes, and then say &quot;Well, it's dinner/TV/Date/work time; we have to go.  Thanks for stopping by!&quot;  If that doesn't work, then having a &quot;date&quot; where the two of you need to leave will eventually make the point work.  The point is to establish that you and your GF, although you like Mom, have a lot to do and don't always have time for company. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a relative who has gone the opposite route - they have drastically reduced contact with her parents.  She doesn't call them, doesn't visit, and makes it known that she doesn't have time when they stop by.  She does get-togethers on her terms.  That's a little harsh, but apparently what needed to happen with that relationship.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-02T21:55:30.547" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7519" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7535" CreationDate="2017-12-02T23:31:21.230" Score="15" ViewCount="2196" Body="&lt;p&gt;Important context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The gym I go to is a powerlifting gym. Not your everyday example when you think of a gym. It's a lot smaller and the people who lift there are typically professional body builders/wrestlers/professional athletes/etc. who warm up with half the plates in the gym. However, the gym is still open to the public, so you get the occasional person who has no idea the first rules of safety in the gym. These people are typically 30s or older, as we don't see that many young people at this gym. The gym is also a 24 hour gym so a lot of the time I lift there is no employee present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little about me: I'm one of those rare young people. I don't exactly have the same intimidation factor as most of the other guys there, even if I can lift almost as much as them. Just because I'm not 6'5'' doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. I have 5 years of professional weight training and 2+ years of teaching new weight lifters how to properly lift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's where my problem comes in. Every once in a while I'll see someone perform an exercise dangerously wrong. If they continue to perform in the same way it will lead to damage that could have been prevented with proper knowledge of how to lift. As a trainer myself, I feel a big urge to try and help this person so they do not get hurt. However, I don't want to be &quot;that guy&quot; who goes around the gym thinking he knows everything or come off as rude. I also do not want them to take the correction in a wrong way. Because of the gym, they can get easily offended if you try to correct them because the atmosphere is if you go here, you know what you're doing. Now if someone came up to me and said &quot;hey, you're not doing this right, try to do it this way...&quot; I would be very appreciative of the advice. Not everyone is like this, unfortunately. Maybe this wouldn't be such a problem if my expertise was obvious from looking at me, but it's not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach someone doing an exercise in such a way it will hurt them, without having them be put off by my offer to help? All the times this has happened in the past I have just ignored it and hope they don't get hurt. I talked to some friends and family about this and they seemed to agree that was the best action to take, but just ignoring it does not feel right. Should I continue to ignore it or is there a way I can help them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9769" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T12:06:32.570" Title="How to handle someone doing an exercise dangerously wrong?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-02T23:33:54.207" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As long as you are living at home I think you can expect some degree of your parent's involvement/interest in what's going on in your life. That's just the way parents are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that they are just trying to find a way to connect with you and learn about how you are doing in general, or get a conversation started with you. Realistically I don't think you are going to be able to get them to stop doing that altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With regards to them asking you this specific question, I have found that when someone is doing something that bothers me, I will generally sit them down, make eye contact with them (this part is crucial), and tell them both respectfully and bluntly that I don't like what they're doing and that I would appreciate it if they would stop. As textbook/therapyish as this is I've found it to work quite well. It may be that you haven't expressed the DEGREE to which it annoys you, and this will make that very clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also say that you learned in school that when two people fail to maintain their own independent lives in a relationship it is called codependence and can be extremely toxic, and so you will occasionally have to work on maintaining other aspects of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of this works I would just come up with a canned response to give when it comes up and try to force the perspective that you are very fortunate to have parents and friends that care about you and are interested in what's going on in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S.  At least you're not being asked &quot;when are you going to find a boy/girlfriend&quot;, as growing up I got that one incessantly, and it was quite humiliating ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9770" LastActivityDate="2017-12-02T23:33:54.207" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7521" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-02T23:40:17.923" Score="1" ViewCount="292" Body="&lt;p&gt;For an engineering class I'm taking, I've been interviewing experts in the field. The goal of these interview is to learn important information on our potential customers, find out more about the terminology to use, discuss previous solutions to the potential problems my group is tackling, and to find narrower problems within this field to design our solution around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently finished an interview with an expert, so I want to follow up with them. During the interview, I was told that some questions I asked should be asked again in an email, so they can get back to me on the information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I remind them of these questions while thanking them in the same email?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9761" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T03:29:10.283" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T03:29:10.283" Title="Follow up to informational interview" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2017-12-05T01:39:39.050" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7522" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7519" CreationDate="2017-12-02T23:42:36.360" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Approaching somebody you are not familiar with because you have a concern is very difficult, however in the case you mention, I think people will understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a trainer you have the knowledge and authority to train people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a genuine cause to &quot;interfere&quot; with somebody's business. Don't cave into the general wisdom of &quot;mind your own business&quot;. Read up on crowd apathy and why &quot;mind your own business&quot; is a dangerous fallacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some pointers:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be as polite as possible. In this case, being super polite (more than is normal) might be good. The fact that you're making an effort here will generally make people more open to at least hear you out for a few seconds.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you have your facts straight.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As you make your approach, watch your body language. Don't be imposing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Maintain a good distance so you are not within their personal space, 2 meters is a general rule (depends on culture but keeping 2 meters away from somebody is a good average)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In your particular case, be aware that people get defensive, especially where physical prowess is concerned - even if they flip you the bird now, they may go over it in their minds later and it may still sink in.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6407" LastEditorUserId="6407" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T21:57:15.250" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T21:57:15.250" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7519" CreationDate="2017-12-03T00:24:43.317" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work out with a personal trainer who is quite imposing.  I have never seen him approach someone to tell them they are doing something incorrectly, although he has sometimes pointed out to me that someone's technique is all wrong.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You specifically ask &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I continue to ignore [their incorrect technique] or is there a&#xA;  way I can help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that the best thing for you to do, if you feel compelled to help, is to do the exercise yourself, smoothly and proficiently, where the person who was performing it incorrectly can see you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another approach, or a complementary approach, would be to strike up a conversation with the person and try to become acquainted with him.  Once you are on friendly terms, you can ask if he minds if you give him a few tips.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot correct a total stranger in any way that does not make you seem  officious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T00:24:43.317" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7525" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7528" CreationDate="2017-12-03T00:42:37.340" Score="3" ViewCount="2488" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, I was out with a girl at a fairly large art museum. We were in an &quot;abstract&quot; or &quot;contemporary&quot; or whatever exhibit (she chose this museum, I usually tend towards science or history museums), in an empty room criticizing a urinal which someone had ripped out of a wall and called art.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the guards appeared out of a smaller, adjacent room with very dim lights, and beckoned us over into the dark room. He was kind of scruffy looking, graying hair, and was well overdue for a shave, probably in his fifties or sixties. He said, &quot;come here I want to show you something&quot;. I believe he also called the girl I was with a &quot;sir&quot;, which she gets called fairly often because she dresses kind of masculinely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, we hesitantly step into his dark room, because we're a little afraid, being two young women (early 20s) confronted by a creepy old man. There's a slit in the wall, and the guard instructs us to look through the slit. I look first, and there's a statue of a woman lying on the ground, full color and completely naked. It looked to me like the statue might have been sexually assaulted. I back away and give her a weird look with my face, and then she takes a turn looking through the slit. The guard then proceeds to try to explain about the artist who made the whole creepy room and how he pretended to retire from art while he made it. I wasn't listening really, because I was managing the space incase he tried to attack me. My date however was nodding along to the guard's lecture about this artist. When he stopped talking, I did my best to dismiss us and leave the room and return to an exhibit with more people in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is, should I have handled the situation better? &lt;strong&gt;How could I have politely dismissed us before entering the dark room?&lt;/strong&gt; How to excuse us as quickly as possible? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8796" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T09:36:15.190" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T08:40:39.387" Title="How to avoid a museum guard when you feel he might endanger you?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-03T01:09:01.057" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because we honestly enjoy life better when we trust each other with some autonomy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should shut down the conversation, since denying it would likely involve denying (a) that you trust each other, or (b) that you are enjoying your life better this way, both of which are ridiculous.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Make sure to say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;life&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; instead of &lt;em&gt;&quot;lives&quot;&lt;/em&gt; to get across that you're not living disjoint lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this would probably work better on friends than on family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T01:09:01.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7528" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7525" CreationDate="2017-12-03T01:19:57.110" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sorry to minimize your discomfort, but museums are typically among the safest places to be. Wall to wall 24/7 security coverage and all that... I would guess that you'd be statistically more likely to be assaulted inside a police station. Although... That doesn't say much... But you know what I mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The exhibit you saw sounds like it was deliberately designed to elicit that sort of reaction. To be unsettling. Art does that sometimes. To be honest, some of my favorite art does that sometimes. I wouldn't be surprised if the creepy looking guard was actually a &quot;part of&quot; the exhibit. You could test this theory by returning to the museum to see if he similarly lures others in for a similar effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all of that out of the way...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're always free to say &quot;No thanks&quot; and keep walking in most any situation when a stranger wants to engage with you about, well, anything really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would take this particular experience as a one off though. Something that makes for an interesting story to tell over drinks, but not something that's at all likely to happen again at another museum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T20:27:55.847" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T20:27:55.847" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7521" CreationDate="2017-12-03T01:56:00.263" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don't make this hard. Be polite, but assume the person is busy and doesn't want to wade though 500 lines of pleasantries. So be terse and get to the point quickly. I'd write email, sit on it for a day and reread. Polite? terse? Ambiguous anywhere?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start off email formally...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear Dr. XYZ,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for meeting with me on (date) about (whatever). yada yada&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per our conversation I'd like to follow up with you on the following questions which you couldn't answer off the top of your head. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Of course depending on the context of the original conversion different text might be necessary here. Did the expert say he'd have to look a number up, think about it in more detail, or did the interview simply run out of time? The point is to try to politely remind the expert of the how/why of the email being agreed upon. If you asking a new question so state. Don't assume because expert agreed to look up one number that he is obliged to answer 25 new questions.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(list questions - I'd do it with numbers so that it would make reference easy...)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you very much for your time. I look forward to your response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sincerely,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;John Smith&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless if they sign off the email with just their first name stay formal unless specifically asked to use first name in subsequent emails. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point about numbering questions is to be able to say I didn't quite understand you answer to question 4. (whatever you didn't understand...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6584" LastEditorUserId="6584" LastEditDate="2017-12-03T04:50:54.743" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T04:50:54.743" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-03T10:15:23.577" Score="48" Body="&lt;p&gt;What irritates me about the answers given so far is that they imply there is an answer or reason worth putting into words, like life balance, planned breathing room, other engagements and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the whole point of the OP as I understand her or him is that the question is painting an issue where there isn't one: no fight, no planned distance, no explicit scheduling for the purpose of personal development.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that both the most accurate and in the long run probably most conducive answer is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever you answer with some explanation, you ascribe a &lt;em&gt;meaning&lt;/em&gt; to the question/answer that will encourage checking again and again.  Actually not just for the person asking, but also for yourself: once you work out a reason fit for telling, you feel compelled to act consistent with that reason, and you feel compelled to ascribe a meaning to any &lt;em&gt;change&lt;/em&gt; of that reason and/or the behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: you are made to play their game, thinking in their categories, and self-justifying your behavior in their categories.  That's a trap one is better off without since it makes being together with someone wired differently than your family strenuous and a constant source of reevaluation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9790" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T08:56:52.673" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T08:56:52.673" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7531" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-03T12:54:20.070" Score="12" ViewCount="1260" Body="&lt;p&gt;My husband and I live alone and are very introverted. We have very little social interaction apart from each other and often will go days without talking to anyone else because we work from home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result, we are not accustomed to spending lots of time with other people. To give an idea, an hour or two of conversation is fine, 3-4 hours is pushing it and 5 becomes downright overwhelming. After this I would need a significant period of recovery (at least an hour, ideally two or three).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nonetheless, we do have guests over to stay. Family members and friends from out of town. We want to see them and we enjoy talking to them and catching up. Recently, however, I have become overwhelmed with the level of social interaction these visits usually have. We had guests this weekend and they will be happy to sit and talk to us for 6 hours. I can, and do excuse myself and have a rest (my husband continues talking and his endurance is better than mine) but even then I can hear the talking and that doesn't help. I am currently exhausted from social interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I go about explaining to my guests that I need a break or some alone time? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T19:37:03.013" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T19:37:03.013" Title="How do I tell my guests that I need time alone?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7532" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-03T12:54:47.887" Score="9" ViewCount="713" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes someone points me to an article on the web, but I could not read it as I find it is too long to read.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually tell it is too long so I can't read it, but then the person seems to start to think I'm too rude that I refuse to read what they &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;kindly&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; recommend. But I don't have any intention to ignore the recommendation and I just can't read it as I immediately lose my concentration during reading, and when I tried it again, I already forgot about the content I had read so I started to read it again from the top of the article, then lose my concentration again, and the same repeats endlessly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These people don't understand that some people are rather incompetent at reading than others, which is particularly common among ADHD and RD.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it depends on each article and I could read some articles without any problem. It is not just about the length of the article but also the easiness to read, the way the author writes, and the interest I have in the field, etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And these people also seem to think it is just about the required time, so once I post something on social media, then the person immediately asks me something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X: Have you read it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I: Not yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X: Why? If you have the time to use Twitter you can read it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But again, even though I can post on the social media I could not read the long article...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case how can I tell the person I could not read the long article?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-05-10T08:31:38.747" Title="How can I persuade someone I could not read a long article they told me?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;adhd&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-03T13:13:19.847" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like an XY.  What they &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to know is is your relationship in trouble?  The best answer there is to just say &quot;we're going to see each other again tomorrow&quot; (or whenever).  If they make it into an XYZ (wanting their original question answered nonetheless) just say &quot;its not just about us -- it's also about me, and right now it's about me&quot;.  Then turn and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T13:13:19.847" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7534" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7512" CreationDate="2017-12-03T13:37:08.747" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with most of the above, and would like to reaffirm the points I feel most strongly about, as well as add a bit of my own ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Set a boundary and stick to it&quot; -- excellent advice.  There should be &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt; compromise with this, short of a disaster like an accident or fire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You [both] and only you [both] have keys&quot; -- again excellent.  But rather than a key safe, give a key to a trusted neighbor (you probably ought to do this anyway) and if she needs access and you're not there, tell her where to get the key (don't tell her where beforehand or she'll be badgering the neighbor for the key).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Your girlfriend&quot; &quot;needs to resolve this&quot; -- yes, she needs to decide what will be your common policy.  But after the two of you discuss it, you have to present a united front.  In other words, it's your job too to make sure to make sure what was decided gets done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you invite her over, just the three of you, and tell her.  Make a nice meal (step 1 -- good news), tell her how it's going to be from now on (step 2 -- bad news), and then say something nice (step 3 -- good news).  If nothing else, it sets a precedent that she is welcome when invited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;She wants to protect her daughter&quot; -- gently tell her that &lt;strong&gt;you're&lt;/strong&gt; her protector now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as the driving by, I would suggest sheer curtains and a room light timer so she doesn't automatically know when you're home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: and never any discussions about finances and things like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T13:37:08.747" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7535" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7519" CreationDate="2017-12-03T15:00:23.143" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a physician, so I have a lot of expertise in medicine. I constantly see people do things that are harmful to their health, and I do mean &lt;em&gt;constantly&lt;/em&gt;, to one degree or another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mind my own business. Even though my natural inclination is to help, I keep quiet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only time I speak up to strangers is when something is truly life-threatening, like a dangerous skin cancer, or a constellation of signs that is indicative of an occult tumor. Even then, I am hesitant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I feel compelled to insert myself into a stranger's life, I always introduce myself as a physician, apologize for intruding, ask them if I may give them some advice, and only if they say yes, I ask them if they have had, say, that lesion evaluated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe if you introduce yourself as a trainer, apologize for intruding, ask them if you may make an observation, and if they say yes, have at it, and see how it goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited to add:&lt;/strong&gt; People looking for help (those that seek me out, e.g. In the ER) are grateful for it. Those who don't, aren't. I'm still learning when to keep my own counsel. I had an acquaintance complaining about a constellation of symptoms quite consistent with Menière's Disease. I have had Menière's since I was 27, and I have no significant problems from it. Yet when I told her what she probably had, she became angry and glared at me. I tried to reassure her that it can often have a very benign course. I wasn't successful. (It makes me wonder, why do people go on and on about their symptoms to a doctor if they don't want advice?) Anyway, for me, though I still slip up, the moral of the story is if people aren't asking for advice, it's probably best not to give it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; This is just one example: Long ago, I noticed an adolescent female with obvious signs of Grave's Disease. Now, Grave's has to be pretty advanced to be diagnosable without doing a physical exam. I was a resident then, and more likely to speak up. I did what I said, and when I told the mother of the girl with Grave's what her daughter had, she actually got very angry with me, almost to the point of being abusive. Two weeks later, mother and daughter showed up in my clinic (residents don't have offices.) In spite of being right and treating her appropriately, the mother stayed mad at me for months (I have no idea why she came to see me.) The treatment lasts at least a year. In all that time, the mom never seemed appreciative. Maybe it's different with weightlifters.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T08:46:46.473" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T08:46:46.473" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7531" CreationDate="2017-12-03T16:11:09.593" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Both my husband and the husband of a friend who visits often are similar to you. They take a break whenever they need to, because we know this about them. The visiting husband will sometimes go off for a walk for an hour or two in the peace and quiet of our country neighbourhood. My husband will go to our basement, or to our home office which has a thick soundproof door. Nobody comments on it particularly, unless perhaps it's time to eat and we need to find one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arrange things so you can't hear them when you need a respite. (Sound absorbing drapes in your bedroom perhaps, or a thick door on your home office.) Or go for a walk, or ask your husband to take them for a walk to show off the changing leaves or the pretty snow or the neighbours' Christmas lights or whatever. Also, depending on who the visitor is, they may be talking simply because no other option is offered. When my friends visit for an evening we talk the whole time. When my mother visits for a few days we talk a lot, but there are also stretches of time where we do our own thing (reading, working, whatever) to recharge. If I say &quot;mind if I pop upstairs for a moment?&quot; she just gets out her book, it's cool. With some visitors we play board games, which are less intense an interaction than just sitting and talking. I know some people also turn on the TV or radio and watch and listen together relatively quietly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about revealing to your guests that you need time spent not chatting. Anyone close enough to you to visit regularly and long probably already knows this about you, and if they learn it for the first time it won't damage your longstanding relationship. It is better to say &quot;I need a little quiet time now&quot; or &quot;I need a little alone time now&quot; than to invent some chore that can't wait - they might end up feeling they are less important than your laundry or whatever, which could hurt their feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T16:11:09.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7539" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7553" CreationDate="2017-12-03T16:21:12.123" Score="14" ViewCount="10325" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a few friends who will try to manipulate me with self deprecating remarks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps I've been helping them with something for a while and am obviously making moves to leave when they say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh I am sorry, I'm such a burden, I'm so selfish I shouldn't have taken up so much of your time with this. I'm a terrible friend.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I can tell, this backs me into a corner with few good options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I leave soon after I feel like I'm validating that remark&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I stay and tell them how they aren't a burden or bad friend it takes more of my time and I can only imagine it encourages the behaviour.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just a general situation, it is used in many others such as comments about looks, giving them a lift, not being able to visit when they wanted you to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I'm not alone in having people act like this, I wondered whether anyone had come up with a general response to self-deprecating interlocutors that would,  ideally, get through to the person that I care but that they can't manipulate me this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: Another, work related, question with some good answers is &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/7707/colleague-thinks-that-he-is-too-slow&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-12-16T18:17:00.723" LastActivityDate="2019-12-18T05:31:10.033" Title="How to respond to self-deprecating remarks" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7540" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7512" CreationDate="2017-12-03T16:28:54.633" Score="71" Body="&lt;p&gt;When we were training our dog, in the section under barking, the book claimed that you can't teach a dog not to bark until you have first taught the dog to bark. This establishes that the barking is something you control, not the dog. So, in the case of your mother-in-law (or as we called it when we lived together, mother-in-sin) to-be, you take control of her presence in your home by inviting her over. Really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, dinner with her and of course her daughter. Have light conversation. Show off your place: you're proud of it, right? Allay her fears; the girl isn't moving into some rat-infested slum. Have a pleasant evening and then say &quot;well, it's been lovely spending some time together and getting to know each other a little more. I look forward to having you over again.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then repeat. Whether you have her over once a week, once a month, or once a year, invite her over and set a date in plenty of time in advance. Then there is no need for her to drop by, stop in, etc. She has a date already set for the next time she will come over. How often you see her will probably depend on your girlfriend's comfort level, but don't try to drive it to zero. If she calls and wants to come over, you can say &quot;we're looking forward to seeing you on the 13th (or Thursday, or whatever) and we're jammed up busy between now and then.&quot; You can even elaborate &quot;we had to decline an invitation to XYZ because we wanted to keep that night free to see you.&quot; (Always go for the more flattering wording when you do this, never &quot;because you were coming over&quot;, for example.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does two things. It gives her some of what she wants: a chance to see where her daughter is living (the thought of my child moving from my house to a place I had never even seen is a little scary) and to know more about you. An assurance that she will still be in her daughter's life. A sense of a widening family circle that includes both you and her, rather than her daughter changing circles. Yet it gives you and your girlfriend what you want: privacy and control over who comes to your home when.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T16:28:54.633" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7542" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7544" CreationDate="2017-12-03T16:48:15.777" Score="56" ViewCount="13495" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 18, my girlfriend is 23. We've known each other for a few years, been together for a few weeks. Sometimes people (a mix of family and acquaintances) will ask questions like &quot;Isn't that a too big age difference?&quot; &quot;Isn't she too old for you?&quot; &quot;Aren't you too young for her?&quot; and so on. Those questions kind of annoy me -- I've heard them several times already, I don't want to have to &lt;em&gt;defend&lt;/em&gt; my relationship to other people - that's how it's feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mostly answered something like &quot;Neither of us minds the age difference, so there isn't a problem.&quot; It's a true answer, and polite -- I could also snap at them like &quot;that's our business&quot; but that sounds rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the problem with this answer is that they sometimes respond to the &quot;there's no problem&quot; part with &quot;but you are still studying and she's working!&quot;/&quot;you live in two different worlds&quot;  and again it feels like I have to defend the relationship I'm in... as in I have to convince them it's not a bad relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'm looking for a better answer to respond to the questions about our age difference. Something that's polite but does not leave room for further discussion. &lt;strong&gt;How should I respond?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9800" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-01-21T14:05:08.707" LastActivityDate="2018-01-21T14:05:08.707" Title="How to respond to questions that feel like I have to defend the relationship I'm in" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7543" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2426" CreationDate="2017-12-03T16:56:16.590" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The biggest determiner here is: what do YOU want from your relationship with your mother?  In the question it sounds like the answer is &quot;none&quot;. Getting back with an abuser is a risky exercise at best.  Unless you know for a fact that things have changed and you now have the strength to resist any new attempts at abuse, the situation is rife with the possibility of it starting again and possibly in a new form.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only explanation you owe anyone is &quot;It's not possible to reconcile&quot;.  Any other explanation you offer will just invite debate and trying to &quot;reason&quot; with you about how things are changed.  &quot;I appreciate your efforts at trying to mediate.  This is the relationship we both desire; if things change we'll ask for your help.&quot;  Stick to that, and eventually your family will come to understand that you aren't going to say anything bad about your mother and that a reconciliation is not possible.  They'll wonder what happened if they don't know already, but they won't have a reason to argue with you either.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to hear about this.  One of the comments above mentioned forgiveness - I'd recommend doing that.  Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget the situation ever happened; it consists of your saying &quot;I no longer allow this to have any power over me or to control me.  I may, however, not engage in the situation that allowed this to occur&quot;.  I would strongly suggest not holding a grudge - holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T16:56:16.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2017-12-03T17:06:37.270" Score="110" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep it short and simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a complete sentence, can be delivered in a polite way (depends on your tone of voice). Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not in my (our) opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both times, you answer the question. You remain polite. And it's hard to come up with a way to question your statements without the situation becoming awkward (and then they caused the awkwardness!) or being rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still try to go on like in your post&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person: But you are still studying and she's working!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Technically, they didn't even ask you a question, still you give an honest answer that's hard to dispute. Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person: You live in two different worlds!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, you &lt;strong&gt;don't need&lt;/strong&gt; to defend it, so don't do it. If it works fine for both of you, that's all that matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T17:06:37.270" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2017-12-03T17:15:38.987" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be assertive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm very happy with her.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you say that, if they want to keep going, they will have to criticize the fact that you are happy with her, which will make them sound quite silly. It does sound a bit selfish, but let's be honest, it does matter a lot in a relationship!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also add stuff like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I like that she's more experienced&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I like talking about her job, we don't learn that in school&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I like the fact she's an adult/mature/serious and her friends are interesting too&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The common denominator here is that you like it, you're not afraid to mention it, and you're not afraid to do what you like. Arguing against this would be quite difficult!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And anyway, you're 18. If it does not work out, you'll still have plenty of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T12:49:40.917" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T12:49:40.917" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7512" CreationDate="2017-12-03T17:45:51.357" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;To add to all the excellent advice above, it may be possible to seek out your girlfriend's father as a potential ally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he understands his daughter's point of view then you may have an ally in convincing the mother. Even if he doesn't want to get involved, he is the foremost expert on handling her, and may be able to provide excellent advice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to her father, you should consider if there are other relatives or family friends who are close to her mother but recognize the importance of your girlfriend's independence. They don't have to address the topic directly, but by sharing stories of how their own children (or others they know) became independent, they can provide a supporting base of evidence for your argument that her mother is being overprotective. (Although make sure first that they weren't similarly overprotective )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting her mother to listen to you will be easier if you have the support of those that her mother considers to be equals, rather than children. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-03T17:48:02.417" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T17:48:02.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7547" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-03T19:10:15.183" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My advice for situations like this would be to try some allusive humour. This applies in many generic situations where you don't like the question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you definitely don't want to do is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Answer the question properly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look annoyed about it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead tell them you've killed him and you could do with help moving the body. Tell them you you've dumped him because he kept asking questions. Tell them he dumped you because your parents are weirdos&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask again say it even more genuinely and go into more detail. E.g lets say you go with the first brush off. They retort with &quot;No, seriously. Why aren't you with him?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you say &quot;I'm being serious! I'm digging his grave later on this evening and could really do with an extra pair of hands&quot;. Wink, smile and walk off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9806" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T19:10:15.183" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2017-12-03T19:33:27.200" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel that people in such cases are way too polite trying to answer such questions. It just confirms to the requesters that they are in their right to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had similar situations and usually replied with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what kind of question is that??&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was usually enough to stop the questioning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, some people may feel offended, and this is good. I am not particularly interested in keeping a close relationship in such cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that this answer is in the context of the OP who feels that he should not be asked that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very much different when a good friend asks you because he is worried or something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T19:33:27.200" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7539" CreationDate="2017-12-03T19:39:47.703" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is important to distinguish between someone who sounds self-deprecating because they are a bit depressed and need help, or someone who talks like that because they want free stuff. Since you talk about manipulation, I presume you already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh I am sorry, I'm such a burden, I'm so selfish I shouldn't have taken up so much of your time with this. I'm a terrible friend.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person follows a script, and the next scene should feature you being extra-nice and helpful, telling them they are such a wonderful human being, etc. Such record-breaking passive-aggressive self-deprecating bullshit deserves an appropriate response. Today Karma calls upon you to deliver the goods, might as well enjoy it!... Simply flip the script and deliver slapstick instead. Possible replies:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Oh, you think?&quot; Wait three seconds and give them a hug. &quot;I don't mind, love you anyway. I must be a masochist.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Weeellll to be honest...&quot; Long and awkward silence. &quot;Gotta go.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically they hand you a stick: beat them with it. That should convince them not to keep using this tactic. You can also go meta and hand them a bigger stick:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I'm so much worse than you, look at all the stuff I did, it's all crap, I'm so sorry, I should leave before totally ruining everything.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T19:39:47.703" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2017-12-03T19:50:38.677" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;‚Love has no age‘. And there are just some few years between you and your love. &#xA;If she was the younger one I guess nobody would ever comment it.  Some centuries ago much more age differences would be totally normal and socially accepted. These few years won’t make such a huge difference - so don’t mind these people. Once you finished school and studies there won’t be a difference anymore. &#xA;Me and my husband have an age gap of 20 years. This was never a topic in our relationship. Neither one of his friends or family would even ask about it. Mine tried sometimes but didn’t force anything.&#xA;Just tell them you‘re so happy to love a wonderful person and this tiny, easily to overlook age gap will fade in some years automatically. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8597" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T19:50:38.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2017-12-03T20:02:17.407" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone makes a comment like this you have the possibility to answer in a friendly way or in an unfriendly way. In many cases, I would consider the question itself to be rude and therefore give an answer like &quot;That's none of your business&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether or not it makes to answer a rude question by saying &quot;That's none of your business&quot; depends on your relationship with the person with whom you are speaking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="92" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T20:02:17.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7539" CreationDate="2017-12-03T20:41:04.203" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Don't worry I was happy to help.&quot; That should really be the end of it. I wouldn't go down the path of trying to reassure them any more than that. Sometimes I'll ignore comments like these altogether. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will add that sometimes these are comments that can potentially demonstrate that a person is aware you are getting less out of your friendship/relationship than they are, if you find you're being asked to do stuff like this all the time and not much else may want to evaluate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT- In response to a comment notifying me of changes in site policy requiring answers to document either personal experience or citations to reliable authorities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My response to this question is primarily informed by the several years I spent in counseling and sitting in a circle listening to others relay stories about their dysfunctional friendships and relationships. My proposed response was simply what I would say in that situation, given the information provided. I don't believe that there is a one-size fits all approach to this topic because each situation is fairly unique. In terms of the later question as to how to communicate that this type of behavior bothers you, I would direct you to this page for potential references and would especially highlight the section entitled &quot;codependency&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9770" LastEditorUserId="9770" LastEditDate="2019-12-18T05:31:10.033" LastActivityDate="2019-12-18T05:31:10.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7539" CreationDate="2017-12-03T20:53:32.900" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Teach your friend to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.boredpanda.com/stop-saying-sorry-say-thank-you-comic-yao-xiao/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;say &amp;quot;thank you&amp;quot; instead of sorry&lt;/a&gt;. It's an incredibly powerful lesson that will make both of you feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/LiiZO.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/LiiZO.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Two comic-strip boxes. In each of the boxes there are two people discussing. The first box has positive colors and says: &amp;quot;If you want to say: Thank you for listening&amp;quot;. The second has sad colors and says: &amp;quot;Don't say: Sorry I'm just rambling&amp;quot;&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Follow the link above for more examples and explanation.) I wouldn't talk like this to someone I worked with, or a customer at a service desk, but to an actual friend, or someone who worked for me and talked this way about the support I was giving them as a manager, I really would suggest a reword:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend&lt;/strong&gt;: Oh I am sorry, I'm such a burden, I'm so selfish I shouldn't have taken up so much of your time with this. I'm a terrible friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Hey, have you ever heard the suggestion &amp;quot;don't say sorry, say thank you&amp;quot;? It's super cool and a much better way to acknowledge that someone is helping you. Like today, you could say &amp;quot;thank you for giving me so much of your time on this.&amp;quot; And then I would say &amp;quot;no problem, I am happy to help a friend like you.&amp;quot; [Smile.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone wins if your friends learn this reword. You don't have to fake-argue, you get genuine appreciation (who doesn't like that?), your friends feel better about themselves, ... there is no downside other than the few moments where you point this out to them. With any luck, they'll apply the lesson throughout their lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-12-16T18:13:11.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7531" CreationDate="2017-12-03T21:20:05.743" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a case where more of an explanation is better.  When guests are there to stay overnight, it's tough for them to understand &quot;we need some time alone&quot; without a context to go with it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Visiting is fun, but it can be taxing.  Playing cards or board games can break that up.  I'd even suggest some activity together, whether it's fixing something up, seeing a movie, or watching TV.  Then it's a lot less interactive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it hits the point where you are spent, I'd recommend taking turns with your husband.  I'd suggest something like, &quot;I really love seeing you guys, but I need to decompress a little bit.  If you'll excuse me, I need to read/take a walk/run an errand/watch TV... alone for half an hour to recharge.&quot;  Then get your batteries reset.  After you do that, then I'd suggest relieving your husband.  &quot;Hey Dear, thanks for entertaining our guests.  I'm up to speed again, do you need to take some time?&quot;  That way you show your guests that they matter to you and you want to spend time with them but have a personal boundary you need to maintain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you get better acquainted, your friends will get used to this and will come to accept that you need a little time. They may even become supportive and initially may appreciate taking some time themselves.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T21:20:05.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7532" CreationDate="2017-12-03T23:50:44.167" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have some vision difficulties and sometimes find myself in a similar position -- somebody recommends a magazine or journal article where the print is just too small, or a web site where the layout doesn't work with font zoom, or a site where I'd have to make more browser modifications (like CSS overrides) than the post is worth.  In the cases where I want to read the content but I encounter these barriers, I say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That sounded interesting and I started to read it, but I found it really difficult because of my vision problems, so I'm afraid I had to stop.  Can you recommend something else that I might be able to handle better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's not you, it's me.  I'm not rejecting your offer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I express disappointment in not being able to follow through.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I ask for an alternative.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case where I'm not all that interested to begin with, and so am less willing to put in extra effort, I'll instead say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I started, but I found it really difficult to read because of my vision problems.  Could you give me the high-level summary?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's still not you (even though maybe it is, a little).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I omit the &quot;disappointment&quot; language to avoid giving the impression that I'd like to take a deeper dive into this some other way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I ask for a summary instead of an alternative.  The person had some reason for recommending the article and (it sounds like) being somewhat insistent about it, so he's already invested and I'm not.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the example in your question, it sounds like your friend is being a bit of a pest (with opinions about how you should prioritize your time).  If you aren't all that interested to begin with and you want to shut that down, you might need to say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I guess I'm just not as interested in it as you are.  Is there something in particular that you wanted me to learn from it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the potential to feel like a bit of a brush-off, so decide how important that concern is for you.  If it's a dear grandparent or your SO you might not want to do that; if it's a random coworker who's currently evangelizing that topic to everybody he meets, maybe you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-03T23:50:44.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7558" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7577" CreationDate="2017-12-04T03:03:31.473" Score="11" ViewCount="3731" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've never really had friends, so I've never really celebrated my birthday. This year, though, I wanted to invite my friends out somewhere, perhaps &lt;a href=&quot;https://topgolf.com/us/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Topgolf&lt;/a&gt; &lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt; (not an advertisement, trying to give impression of price/scale).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it in keeping with etiquette that I just pay for the party? Or can I ask everyone to contribute their share?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it matters, I don't expect any gifts. If I were in that position, I would plan on paying for myself if not also the birthday-person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[1]: Pricing is $25-45 an hour for up to six people, depending on time of day. It would be less than six people for at most two hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9816" LastEditorUserId="3" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T15:00:49.037" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T20:13:24.730" Title="What is the etiquette for hosting your own birthday event? Who pays?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-04T03:28:19.220" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good response might be&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I be?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a friendly but firm way to let people know you think they're incorrect in expecting you two to always be together, and it gives them a chance to explain why they think you should be with your boyfriend at a particular time.  Once you understand that, it will be easier to determine a more specific and correct response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3239" LastEditorUserId="3239" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T21:18:41.597" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T21:18:41.597" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-04T08:07:13.110" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing you can do for the people who have already established the pattern of asking this question is shorten the conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They: Why are/were you not with [boyfriend] right now/tomorrow/next weekend/yesterday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: No, we're not breaking up, thank you for asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people who haven't &amp;quot;established&amp;quot; their &amp;quot;right&amp;quot; to ask invasive questions yet, questioning their question is a way to point out how inappropriate it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They: Why are/were you not with [boyfriend] right now/tomorrow/next weekend/yesterday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: What?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They: Why are/were you not with [boyfriend] right now/tomorrow/next weekend/yesterday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Why would you even ask something like that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And from here they either drop it, or you have a short conversation where you both figure out that you have different ideas of how relationships work, which is perfectly fine. An important point is that you're not answering the question, so if they ask again in the future you can just say &amp;quot;We've been over this.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T08:07:13.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-04T09:51:15.323" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd hit the central point with a bold&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because &quot;love relationship&quot; - where trust and respect are &lt;strong&gt;core values&lt;/strong&gt; - does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; mean &quot;wearing a dog collar&quot;; were's the bad in having some (and I'd like to stress the word &lt;strong&gt;some&lt;/strong&gt;) spare time alone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T10:32:55.137" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T10:32:55.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-04T10:11:38.037" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are probably too considerate for their feelings, since they are not for yours. What I can tell you from my experience, since they already poke their nose where it doesn't belong, that it will get worse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After being in relationship for some time, there will be questions when are you getting engaged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After being engaged for some time, there will be questions when are you getting married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After being married, there will be questions when you will have kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After having a kid, there will be questions when will be next one, as one is not enough. Like immediately, we are holding a baby, and mother asked when there is next one. Right now I am sorry I have not kicked her butt that moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It just never ends. Don't send them a message that it's ok to press their view on you. I felt pressure from parents, even being a guy who is not burdened by those relationship stuff. They live their life, you live yours. If you ask me, peufeu's answer is the best. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9830" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T10:11:38.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2017-12-04T10:35:08.560" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;10 years ago you'd have had more of a point.&quot; &quot;When she's 88, I'll be 83.&quot; &quot;Well, only one way to find out.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a number of flippant answers that you can throw back at them.  But the basic point is that you are not actually making permanent life choices here since the times have changed in the last hundred years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9831" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T10:35:08.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7574" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7576" CreationDate="2017-12-04T12:33:34.220" Score="18" ViewCount="7534" Body="&lt;p&gt;So every few months I go away for a weekend with a large group (100 people give or take). We generally sleep in a camphouse, which has dorm-like accomodation with a few bunkbeds per room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few notorious snorers in the group. Previous experiences have made it so that I would prefer not to sleep in the same room again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time, we arrived early, so we (me and my gf) were the first to claim a room. There were two beds left. Then someone, who is a known snorer, came and asked whether the beds were still available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a tricky situation. I feel like it would be unpolite to flat-out lie about the beds still being available, but similarly, allowing would cause their own problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally am not a light sleeper (I'd describe it as being in a coma), but during the process of falling asleep, snoring can be pretty disruptive. This would definitely cause similar problems to the folks nextdoor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell them that I don't want them to share my room without being offensive or impolite?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T16:54:39.857" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T03:26:39.270" Title="How to avoid having a snorer share your dormroom?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7574" CreationDate="2017-12-04T12:40:13.413" Score="34" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel like it would be unpolite to flat-out lie about the beds still&#xA;  being available, but similarly, allowing would cause their own&#xA;  problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're on to something here. Telling someone that you mind their snoring &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be offensive, but lying to someone &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; is. It lets on that you don't think of them highly enough to give them the truth, and it can come back to bite you badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sleep walk from time to time, and occasionally even talk in my sleep. To my friends, this is distracting and can ruin the quality of their sleep. There is nothing offensive about telling me this directly, unless you phrase it like it's a character flaw. So I recommend something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, these beds are still available. I have very light sleep though,&#xA;  and you're a bit noisy when sleeping, so it would be nice if you could&#xA;  find another bed in the camphouse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't inherently offensive. It's as non-offensive as you can get in these situations. In fact, most snorers will appreciate that you're telling them why, because the one thing that hurts more then being rejected is being shooed off like you're not even worth the explaination of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I definitely recommend against lying, if it comes out (and it will) they will feel insulted and belittled by your lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T12:40:13.413" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7558" CreationDate="2017-12-04T12:40:32.863" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my personal experience: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you invite people, you're the one paying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you invite people and clearly state on the invitation that you're expecting people to contribute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A befriended couple of mine invited me to a bar for a birthday of one of them. They clearly stated that first round is on them and for the rest of the night it's everyone for themselve. I really appreciated the fact that they were clear upfront and that they did pay the first round. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think people understand that prices can get really expensive for 1 person if you're paying for 6. You just have to be clear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For my birthday I wanted to do TopGolf with all of you. It's $30 an hour, so if we split the bill, it costs us all $5. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(Optional) I am buying drinks during the activity/ afterwards we can go to my place to get some drinks/snacks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3585" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T12:40:32.863" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7574" CreationDate="2017-12-04T14:32:38.663" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does the person in question know that they are a prolific snorer? If they have a self-awareness you might be best with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not sure. We have a few people here already and I'm a light sleeper, can you be sure not to make much noise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may still offend them but at the very least it makes it so you are not personally singling out this person, which would be more hurtful IMO. If they still insist, you could apologise, tell them you still aren't sure and suggest another place they could go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9711" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T14:32:38.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7585" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7574" CreationDate="2017-12-04T15:20:30.117" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a snorer, and I've tried plenty to stop it, just be honest and upfront.  Let them know that you have trouble sleeping when there is someone snoring. It's rare that a snorer doesn't know it, and while it is frustrating to be told this, it is definitely better than the alternatives - being woken through various means, or another not getting sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally, people can learn to filter out repetitive noises, and if you can't, that's no more your fault than it is the fault of the snorer that he snores.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you are honest about it, it's the best way to go.  If you were to get caught out in a lie, then that is most definitely hurtful, and may be taken as if there was &lt;em&gt;another&lt;/em&gt; reason for it, which neither party will want, and can hurt relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation, I would recommend trying to fill those empty beds beforehand if possible, as &quot;they are already taken&quot; when true is typically not hurtful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll note that if you do end up sharing with a snorer, please don't wake them.  As they were asleep and you were restless, they will likely drop off again before you do, unless they force themselves to stay awake, and then when they do sleep, they may wake you again.  This becomes a cycle and ruins both your sleep patterns.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Try earplugs etc, and if you still can't sleep, it is better to talk to them in the morning to discuss solutions (they will be in a better mood if they slept too) and change arangements for the next time.&#xA;They will usually be sorry for keeping you awake and be happy to change rooms etc if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2390" LastEditorUserId="2390" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T15:27:40.050" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T15:27:40.050" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7586" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7574" CreationDate="2017-12-04T15:26:39.287" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in exactly your place years ago. I tried several things but in the end the real solution was this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approach the organisation, explain the situation, and propose to introduce a &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;'silence room'&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; for light sleepers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition ask around for good candidates to fill it, and have a covenant about noise during the event. Ours was, early night or undress in the bathroom and sneak into your bed without speaking. The same for getting up early. Worked like a charm! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And because everyone was in on it the room was tagged clearly before people arrived, chosen for being off the beaten track, away from the toilets &amp;amp; bar. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never had any problems about snoring after that either, I forget because snorers are usually solid sleepers or some other reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To handle snoring it is also best to be open about being a light sleeper. Last time I shared a room with a snorer we agreed that I could prod him and clearly say 'stop snoring'. But he was a real social guy and knew he would:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Turn half-asleep, stopping the noise&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Continue sleeping&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It saved my night. But this was a veteran snorer, it will not always be possible to take this road, especially in a silence room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Generic advice:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Explain your problem, agree upon an approach that saves both your nights. Often that will indeed mean different rooms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T15:44:54.730" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T15:44:54.730" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-04T15:32:45.427" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try understanding why are they asking the question. So the most straightforward way is to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why should I?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this way you turn the tables on them, and now it's up to them to explain what they had in mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's quite an aggressive move, because you're openly questioning their motives and perhaps genuine care about health of your relationship. So you need to expect aggressive answer (or yet another question), likely questioning you getting your life right. The key is that at this point you have to deescalate and simply explain that you spend enough time with your boyfriend and your relationship is healthy despite not being with him right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may boil down to differences in life views, eg. &quot;If I was in your place, I'd want to spend every minute with my boyfriend&quot; or maybe even them viewing their own past through pink glasses. But keep in mind that your life is yours and remind this to others if they need such reminder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T15:32:45.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7588" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-04T15:36:15.763" Score="3" ViewCount="1560" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a male living in the U.S. with a female and another male.  We all get along just fine, but as time has passed she has made me more and more uncomfortable; she shows signs of romantic interest in me and asking questions that I feel is stalker-ish and intrusive.  Recently, she has started hanging her skimpy bathing suit in the hallway, which I have to walk past to get anywhere in the apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to directly address the issue of her leaving the bathing suit hanging out in the hallway (she has the biggest bedroom of us all and has a huge closet inside, there's clearly no need for her to hang it outside of her room, other than for seeking attention, I feel), but I am not sure how to do this without being accusatory and mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, she seems to be trying everything possible to get my attention and I am trying everything in my power to maintain a somewhat private life while implying to her that I am &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not at all&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; interested in her.  But, she has not gotten the point yet, and I would hate for having to be explicit and spell those words out for her; I like where I live and I am guessing she does too, so it would be unfortunate for us to leave a living situation that overall works for the both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9844" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T16:43:22.873" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T16:55:59.043" Title="How to ask my female room mate to stop leaving her bikini in public space?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2017-12-04T17:09:12.127" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7588" CreationDate="2017-12-04T15:50:57.507" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;You perceive her as trying to ignite a romance, which may or may not be true, however what cannot be denied is that her behavior is making you uncomfortable. This most certainly needs to be addressed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What it really comes down to is setting boundaries. Let's use the swimsuit incident as a concrete example. Having it hang there - no matter the reason - is making you uncomfortable, and there's no real reason why she should be leaving it there. Regardless of what her motivation is, the subject can be broached in the following way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey roomie, I noticed you put some of your stuff out to air on the hallway. I don't mean to be rude, but that's a shared space, and I would greatly appreciate it if you used your own room to dry out clothing. I'll be sure to do the same. Thanks!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you're neither being rude, nor making any accusations that may later come back to haunt you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can similarly rebuke inappropriate inquiries into your life:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't mean to be rude, but that situation/information is kind of private, and I'd rather not share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reinforce that boundary, over and over again, and eventually she'll get the point. This advice can work with intrusive coworkers, neighbors, or any other sort of nosy people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T15:57:35.503" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T15:57:35.503" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7588" CreationDate="2017-12-04T15:51:51.143" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with previous answer that attention seekers will eventually cease their efforts if they do not get any attention from you. However the possible romantic motivation changes this somewhat. If she is trying to get your interest rather than your attention she may not stop until you address that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you don't want to upset the living arrangement you should choose your words carefully, but a direct approach is the only way. Rather than address what you &lt;em&gt;assume&lt;/em&gt; is her motivation, just address the individual incidents (such as the bathing suit in the hallway) and use them as opportunities to stress your platonic feelings towards her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I ask you not to hang your bathing suit in the hallway? You can&#xA;  hang that in your room. I don't particularly want to see your bathing&#xA;  suit, but what if I brought a girlfriend round - what would she think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Address any other behaviour as it arises and treat them as unrelated incidents. If she actually does go on to declare romantic feelings for you then you can address that. A simple &quot;sorry, but I don't see you like that&quot; should suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T15:51:51.143" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7588" CreationDate="2017-12-04T16:15:19.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How to deal with an attention-seeking female roommate?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You appear to be making a lot of assumptions in your original post that can't really be considered as fact. For example, what you determine to be 'stalker-ish' questions; may very well be her trying to get to know the person she lives with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bear in mind that if you are co-habituating with other people, there's usually a level of acquaintance required to make all parties feel comfortable and safe in their shared home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, it obviously makes you feel uncomfortable. With that in mind first you need to determine the reasons behind some of her actions, by simply asking her directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Her leaving the bathing suit hanging out in the hallway&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot assume that this is purely for your benefit, the fact is that there may be numerous reasons why she chose to leave her bathing suit outside of the room she sleeps in. Without asking her the reason you will never know. That said as this makes you uncomfortable then perhaps simply ask her the reasons during a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [her name], I just wanted to check if everything was alright, I&#xA;  noticed you'd left your bathing suit outside in the hallway, are you&#xA;  struggling with room, or drying clothes off?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to your desire to maintain a private life, the simplest way is just to be honest and direct about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [her name], I appreciate that we've been talking a lot lately, and&#xA;  getting to know the people you live with is important, but I really&#xA;  enjoy my own personal space, I've always been a bit of a loner. So&#xA;  don't take it personally if sometimes I like to avoid conversations&#xA;  and do my own thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no perfect way to say this, so being honest and not making up excuses is the most practical approach in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8451" LastEditorUserId="8451" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T16:36:16.597" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T16:36:16.597" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7588" CreationDate="2017-12-04T16:25:57.697" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two possible and mutually exclusive situations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;it is true that she is romantically interested in you;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;it is not true that she is romantically interested in you;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your situation, which one of the above is the actual case does &lt;strong&gt;not actually matters&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I understand well your question, you are asking two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;how to stop her from leaving things (regardless they are swimsuits, etc.) around&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;letting her know that you do not return that romantic interest, if any.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, one answer at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About question 1, I'd go with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, I've been seeing your things/stuff/swimsuits left around the house: I was wondering whether there's any problem with your wardrobe/room, maybe it's just temporarily packed/encumbered/overloaded? Not my intention to make a big problem out of this [smile and try to assume a cozy voice], it's just that, in my opinion, the whole house would look like a mess if it gets any worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is passive, not-aggressive. Also make sure you tell this to her when you are not in front of the other room-mate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About question 2, well, you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I like where I live and I am guessing she does too, so it would be unfortunate for us to leave a living situation that overall works for the both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, look at what my one-on-one (no other people present) conversation with her would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, sorry to bring this up, I would like to tell you something: while I might be wrong - in which case I'd like to apologize - I noticed some behaviour from you that made me suspect that you might have a thing for me. If that is the case, well, I'm afraid to say that it wouldn't work. Also, I thought that the earlier I told you, the better. That said, please don't get me wrong, I do consider you as a very nice person to live with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(well, that's the line a girl gave me in the past)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very-neutral, polite, respectful and non-dangerous answer because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if there's no romantic interest from her, this answer will just be taken as a clarification, so there's no actual reason for her or you to need to leave;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if she's actually romantically interested in you, she might be on the edge of leaving &lt;em&gt;regardless what you say or don't say&lt;/em&gt;, due to the &lt;em&gt;frustration of not seeing her interest returned&lt;/em&gt;, it will all depend solely on the strength of her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this help, I wish all the best to both of you. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T16:55:59.043" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T16:55:59.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7558" CreationDate="2017-12-04T17:19:15.293" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This could come down to cultural differences. I too don't really have many friends and we just do a bar or dinner. Usually someone pays for the birthday person's meal while the rest pays for themselves. If we are at a bar, everyone usually buys the birthday person at least 1 shot/drink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have not been invited or invited people to something that requires an upfront fee like Topgolf since high school in which the birthday parents usually covered the costs. However, knowing how at least my area/group of friends work it would be that individuals pay for themselves. If a friend cannot afford it, usually someone will help them out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It just depends on your friend dynamics. If you can afford it and are willing to pay for all then by all means do it if that's what you want! Another group of friends would usually just rotate who pays for the whole thing. One person would pay for the movies, the next time we all hang out another would buy a round of beer, the next time someone would buy tickets to a game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is expected that you pay but might not have the cash to, just post as part of the invitation that you will pay the $60 fee (you said no more than 2 hours at the assumed average price of $30) and that if anyone wants to help chip in to cover costs are more than welcome to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience though, I have never gone to a birthday completely free. Either buying a drink, a shot, buying their dinner, chipping in to pay for their entrance fee, it has always been something my group has done to take care of the person (I mean hey it is THEIR birthday after all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T17:19:15.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-04T17:42:28.177" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My answer is different than the rest: Be silent. Ignore the question completely. Pointedly keep ignoring it until the person asking gets angry or walks away embarrassed. And if they get angry, ask calmly: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Why do you need to know? Everything is good with our relationship, he is doing his thing I am not interested with, we are connected via phone. I am not going to lie to him by feigning interest in something I am not. Lying is not conductive to healthy relationship, you know. Why, do you want to get rid of me? Am I in the way? Am I bothering you somehow?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The questions will stop soon after. The other way is to give waaaay too much information and embarrass them. Or threaten with giving them too much information. &quot;He needs to rest today. Last night, sex was amazing! What he did to me, you wouldn't believe it! First he...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are gross by asking for too much, you can be gross by offering to answer too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6991" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T17:42:28.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7558" CreationDate="2017-12-04T18:05:47.020" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it in keeping with etiquette that I just pay for the party? Or can&#xA;  I ask everyone to contribute their share?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes to both.  If you invite people to something, they'd appreciate your offer to pay.  However, including &lt;strong&gt;in the invite&lt;/strong&gt;  that the cost per person is X is also acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This being your birthday, I'd really suggest being transparent about this.  You don't want to make it look like you're trying to arrange your friends to take you out for your birthday.  What is your economic situation like?  Would it be a hardship for you to pay for your friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can pay, I'd suggest wording the invite like this &quot;I'd like to celebrate my birthday with you at X.  We can meet at [time]; and we can plan on 2 hours.&quot;  Then pay for it when everybody's there.  If paying would be hard for you, then word it, &quot;I'd like to celebrate my birthday with you at X.  If we all split the cost, it would come to Y per person&quot;  I generally don't like mentioning cost in an invite because it can sound tacky.  Far worse, however, would be for people to show up, do the event, and then find out that they are expected to pay.  That can really cause some hurt feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a great birthday!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T18:05:47.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-04T18:28:49.597" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Spring-boarding my answer off some good answers here, I'm going to start to answer this one by suggesting some more motives for people asking you about your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your family is probably basing their queries off their own experience or what they expect people to do.  When people think &quot;young love&quot;, they expect the couple to be constantly hanging onto each other.  Whether that is factually accurate or not is part of your issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you already spend a lot of time with your boyfriend, then &quot;surprise&quot; them by showing up one night without him, they may be thinking there's a problem even if there isn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you don't spend much time with your boyfriend, they may truly wonder &quot;why not?&quot;  This goes into the casual vs. formal relationship question as posed by a comment above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Families tend to like to help members with their love lives, so, please, try to take these questions as a version of &quot;I love you and want you to be happy&quot;, with a side of &quot;How can I help you be happy?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answering your family's questions flippantly can cause problems, such as pushing them away, so only use that kind of response if you feel it won't cause problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to evade this type of questioning generally only prompts more questions, or fights, effectively having the opposite effect of what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to answer sincerely and truthfully.  This usually is the best type of answer, to any question.  Answering the same question repeated may be annoying, but this may be a good type of annoying, where people genuinely want to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this isn't exactly what you wanted to hear, but it's the answer I have to give.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3616" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T18:28:49.597" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7558" CreationDate="2017-12-04T18:39:04.193" Score="-1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it in keeping with etiquette that I just pay for the party? Or can I ask everyone to contribute their share?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are inviting people to a public place such as the one you mentioned on your question, then you are calling people to join you in this place to celebrate your birthday, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you are paying for everything, it should implicitly tell them that it is for their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, if you invite people to a birthday party that you are going to host on your house or a specific place such as a buffet or somewhere like this you are expect to be organizing and accounting for it's own expenses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7886" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T18:39:04.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6214" CreationDate="2017-12-04T20:04:14.653" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your only polite option is to excuse yourself and leave. Anything else comes across as you saying &quot;I don't really want to, but could &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; do &lt;strong&gt;me&lt;/strong&gt; a favor?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was hoping to stay a while for a chat (casual, but &lt;strong&gt;I have certain goal in mind&lt;/strong&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible this person knew you were just going to be &lt;strong&gt;using&lt;/strong&gt; them and decided to get what they could out of it as well?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My honest advice is, that since you've admitted to yourself, and the internet, that you're in it to get some benefit out of it, figure out the maximum &lt;em&gt;cost&lt;/em&gt; (apparently it will be in favors) that you're willing to pay to try to buy your goal. Then if it gets to a point where it appears that the cost is too high, excuse yourself from the situation and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm being deliberately cold and transactional about the advice because that's apparently how you view your relationship with this person, based on your own story. &lt;strong&gt;Transactional&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a valid relationship model, but only if it's clear to both parties up front. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9851" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T20:04:14.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7558" CreationDate="2017-12-04T20:13:24.730" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The short version:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;one who invites&lt;/strong&gt; is the &lt;strong&gt;one paying&lt;/strong&gt; the bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The slightly expanded and &lt;strong&gt;more relevant version&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;one who invites&lt;/strong&gt; is the &lt;strong&gt;one paying&lt;/strong&gt; the bill &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;unless they're clear about it on the invitation&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So word your invitation along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, for my birthday I wanted to get a group of us together to &lt;em&gt;X&lt;/em&gt; and I'm seeing if you want to come. Based on the size of the group it looks like we'll each only pay &lt;em&gt;$Y&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9851" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T20:13:24.730" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7467" CreationDate="2017-12-04T20:18:48.707" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are you supposed to say if the baby is over / underweight? What is considered over / underweight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Congratulations, you must be so happy&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any variation from this formula is to be considered in the specific context of your relationship with the parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited to Add&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason for this is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comments on the baby's size are not required by protocol. (i.e. It's always safe to not comment on the baby's size.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your question implies that you don't know the parents very well so you don't know how they'd receive any comments on the baby's weight/length etc... This also means you may accidentally stumble on issues the parents are experiencing with their own body image. In this case it's safer to not comment on it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Additionally, the very subject of babies is inherently closely related to &lt;em&gt;other subjects which one doesn't discuss except &lt;strong&gt;maybe&lt;/strong&gt; with the closest of friends&lt;/em&gt; so it could be easy for a comment on the baby's size to be perceived as crossing a line.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9851" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T20:32:27.440" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7604" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-04T20:43:13.997" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If this were me, I would reply in a light-heartedly, upbeat way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh yes!, Because &lt;em&gt;Reasons.&lt;/em&gt; *Nod*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you use the word &lt;strong&gt;because&lt;/strong&gt; (it magically makes people want to accept what you said) &amp;amp; keep the reply upbeat; so that they don't project bad scenarios into it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then follow up if needed with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you ask?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because they may be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Worried about the health of your relationship&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Want to live out young love veraciously through you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hoping you go out, so they can &amp;lt;censored&amp;gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Something else.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is up to you to judge if you want to act on what they say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for 1 &amp;amp; 2 leave it at that  (or one of the other answers here)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For 3 maybe you should go hang or go out by yourself for a while; so your folks can &amp;lt;censored&amp;gt; &lt;em&gt;&amp;lt;censored&amp;gt;&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;&amp;lt;censored&amp;gt;&lt;/em&gt; while &lt;em&gt;&amp;lt;censored&amp;gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4994" LastEditorUserId="4994" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T23:36:39.443" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T23:36:39.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7574" CreationDate="2017-12-04T21:16:17.873" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had the experience of sharing a rental house with 20-30 people several times, and my solution is always to just ask people if they snore before deciding on where to bunk. In fact, I've had the best experiences where, when I'm amongst a group of people who know they will have to be in one shared room or another, just identify all the snorers before making arrangements. As in, &quot;Is anyone a snorer who will be sharing rooms? Is there anyone that isn't bothered by it and wouldn't mind sharing a room with John Snorer?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This has the added benefit of being able to group all the snorers &lt;em&gt;together&lt;/em&gt; in a single room, and thus isolate all the noisy people together :).&lt;/strong&gt; This works especially well if you bunk with the same group of friends often--people will get reputations as snorers and will end up bunking in the same room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails (like the first time I did this and didn't ask, and then ended up with two of the loudest snorers ever), make sure you always pack foam earplugs!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2277" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T21:16:17.873" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7607" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7632" CreationDate="2017-12-04T22:11:40.063" Score="2" ViewCount="812" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my work, I spend a lot of time speaking with international colleagues from Asia and South America.  I am from the United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The English regionalisms I notice in these countries can be surprising, and sometimes so frequently used that I find myself tempted to adopt them for the sake of smooth communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The example that prompted this question is saying &quot;doubts&quot; instead of &quot;questions or concerns.&quot;  This subject was discussed several years ago on the English Language &amp;amp; Usage stack here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/13913/questions-vs-concerns-vs-doubts&quot;&gt;'Questions' vs. 'Concerns' vs. 'Doubts'&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When speaking with people in South America I often hear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let me know if you have any &lt;strong&gt;doubts&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;where I would normally say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let me know if you have any &lt;strong&gt;questions or concerns&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it seems to me almost as though we are speaking different languages, and I'm tempted to say &quot;If you have any doubts, let me know&quot; for the sake of keeping us on the same level of communication.  As someone who loves English (I spend most of my time here on EL&amp;amp;U) I also simply find regional speech fascinating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I am worried about the possibility of sounding as though I am either appropriating their linguistic idiosyncracies or mimicking speech in a way that might be offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be offensive to speak to someone internationally and use an English regionalism native to their dialect?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3042" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T14:07:34.857" Title="Is it offensive for an American to use regionalisms when interacting internationally in business?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;&lt;cultural-appropriation&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="14" ClosedDate="2017-12-05T11:13:25.313" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7519" CreationDate="2017-12-04T22:15:45.333" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The hard part with a lot of men is they have this alpha property where they don't like to be taught things. If they look like they've been lifting for a long time and they are older than you, it's unlikely to change their routine and I'd just ignore it. The best way to convince someone of something in general is to point to a reliable authority that supports the assertion you're making. e.g. &quot;I happen to know a physician that's also a bodybuilder and he told me that...., I don't know if its true but it came back to me when I saw you perform that exercise as I used to do it the same way.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People in lift mode tend to not like distractions to begin with. Make sure to be friendly, and smile. A legitimate smile will help disarm anyone, and will lower the intensity of the interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, at the end of the day, the worse case scenario is you annoy a total stranger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9770" LastEditorUserId="9770" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T22:56:48.387" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T22:56:48.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2017-12-04T22:22:42.123" Score="7" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Age is but a number, but that doesn't stop others from being curious.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You situation is by no means that rare (I am 10 years younger than my wife, 21/31 when we started dating, and my parents are 16 years apart for example), but it may still be considered a bit unusual. Those inquiring about are probably just generally curious and interested in your relationship. &lt;strong&gt;Don't take it as an affront.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, you will have to answer this question numerous times and to you it might seem repetitive and annoying but to the one inquiring it is likely their first time. Since the age difference stands out it might just be a way for them to find out more about how you met, what interests you share, and generally how your relationship is going. &lt;strong&gt;It may not be any of their business, but it is likely not a malicious inquiry.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's not forget that the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;divorce rate in the United States&lt;/a&gt; is high (if you are not in the US disregard):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And &lt;a href=&quot;https://nypost.com/2014/11/11/the-bigger-the-age-gap-the-shorter-the-marriage/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this rate only goes up&lt;/a&gt; when there is &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; type of age difference involved:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A five-year age gap statistically means you’re 18 percent more likely to divorce (versus just 3 percent with a 1-year age difference), and that rate rises to 39 percent for a 10-year age difference and 95 percent for a 20-year age gap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So in conclusion, I would respond to genuine questions with genuine answers.&lt;/strong&gt; I personally went through this quite a bit and learned to embrace it. It gave me an opportunity to explain how wonderful my girlfriend (and now wife) is and all the amazing things about her. Stick to positive reinforcement and positive attributes; that will drive any doubts from any doubting on-lookers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7860" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T13:09:02.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7574" CreationDate="2017-12-04T22:45:23.497" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience on a men's only church retreat trip, we had 3 or 4 cabins, with one designated specifically as the snorer's, or the loud cabin.  This worked because there were fewer of us that did snore, and some willing to sleep in there that didn't mind having to hear it all night (me being a snorer and used to it also from having to hear my dad at night for years).  This may not help in your situation currently, but you could bring it up on future trips to those that are running it as a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8152" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T22:45:23.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7607" CreationDate="2017-12-04T23:06:34.587" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say that, if you don't see the other person struggling to understand you, there is no need to adapt to their version of English, they will understand you either way. I would add that you should not try to correct them, either. (I once told a professor &quot;I have a doubt&quot; and he replied out loud, in front of all the class, &quot;no, you have a question&quot; and I'm still angry.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9858" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T23:06:34.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7615" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7519" CreationDate="2017-12-04T23:09:32.873" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an &lt;em&gt;obsessive&lt;/em&gt; user of my local gym, as well as others, I've encountered this scenario many times where either,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A gym member is performing an exercise in a manner harmful to their health&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A gym member is performing an exercise in a 'less than optimal' or 'correct' way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of 2, I refrain from commenting, for two reasons: it's not my responsibility to make sure they get the best out of their training and the 'correct' way can still be debatable sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, in the case of 1, if the person is in &lt;em&gt;imminent danger&lt;/em&gt; of injuring themselves (e.g. spinal injury), then you should feel compelled to intervene if you have the expertise to do so. It is no different than seeing someone about to slip on a wet surface: you've noticed an &lt;em&gt;imminent&lt;/em&gt; hazard to their well being and should be prevented if it doesn't put you at risk as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand, the danger to health is such that it is not immediate (e.g. shoulder cuff issue down the line), you can offer your advice (if they will receive it), or refrain from doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's one approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, sorry to interrupt your session, I was wondering if you'd mind if I made a recommendation about your form for that exercise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are receptive, you can move on to,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd recommend [how to perform exercise], as otherwise it can lead to [health problem].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless in immediate physical danger, &lt;em&gt;do not talk to them during a set!&lt;/em&gt; Emphasising that you're trying to address a risk to their health will hopefully convey you're thinking of their well being, and not trying to show off that you know how to get the best out of an exercise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Defer&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to talk to someone &lt;em&gt;working at the gym&lt;/em&gt; (even if you are a fitness professional) either at the time or later, to defer the responsibility on to them, and they can make a call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8757" LastEditorUserId="8757" LastEditDate="2017-12-04T23:16:46.303" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T23:16:46.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7467" CreationDate="2017-12-04T23:21:24.760" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is very little to say about a newborn.  It hasn't yet shown an aptitude for anything; it hasn't yet said anything cute; to the naked eye, it is very little different from any other baby, even if it seems marvelously unique to the parents and is, in fact, unique in terms of, e.g., DNA, fingerprints, retinal patterns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the only information to transmit about the newborn is its sex, weight, eye color, hair color, its utter perfection and who it resembles in the imagination of the parents.  For some reason, length is hardly ever mentioned, maybe because length is less noticeable in someone lying down.  (&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.livestrong.com/article/127691-normal-height-weight-newborns/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Average Length and Weight of Newborns&lt;/a&gt; -- see esp. last paragraph of the article.)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The parents want to talk about the baby; let them.  Make remarks they want to hear -- e.g., &lt;em&gt;so cute&lt;/em&gt;; &lt;em&gt;what eyes&lt;/em&gt;; &lt;em&gt;you must be so proud&lt;/em&gt; and so on -- even if it looks like a blob to you. If the parents seem proud of a hefty weight, say that it will be a fine athlete. If they seem worried about a low weight, or some other problem, that is more problematical, and beyond the scope of this Question.          &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2017-12-04T23:21:24.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7607" CreationDate="2017-12-04T23:42:45.053" Score="-5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;sounding as though I am either appropriating &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no such thing as cultural appropriation. It does not exist. If someone tells you that cultural appropriation is a thing, retort that using antibiotics is cultural appropriation and wait for them to get sick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would it be offensive to speak to someone internationally and use an English regionalism native to their dialect?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;English is my 2nd language (I'm French). Obviously when traveling and communicating over the internet with people, English is the most often used language. In a conversation between two non-native English speakers, sometimes they will pause and wonder if they used the right word, or realize they made a mistake. Most of the time the other got it anyway, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it is your native language, you will have a much &quot;sharper&quot; definition of words or idioms. But for someone who just uses English for business (or occasionally), they might have learned about an expression or phrase in a context you don't know about, it might mean something slightly different to them, it might sound like something familiar in their own language that is actually different, etc. When I meet someone who speaks French as a second language, I really give them a break. If they want to, I can correct, but if the purpose is discussing stuff and getting things done, then of course that takes precedence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point is, when you are using International English, you will get away with &lt;strong&gt;a lot&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No-one cares.&lt;/strong&gt; You're doing business or having a date, not discussing grammar. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you are the native speaker however, you will usually have better command of the language, so it is your responsibility to use the words the other will understand best. But if the other understands your own regionalisms just fine, keep them. If they use a word in a weird way, feel free to ask. From the point of view of an International English speaker, English is a very useful tool which gets the job done. Again, no-one cares.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="33" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T00:28:17.210" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T00:28:17.210" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7620" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7623" CreationDate="2017-12-04T23:57:52.820" Score="8" ViewCount="869" Body="&lt;p&gt;A small amount of backstory; I work at a small company part-time, helping with their IT/networking needs, as well as managing their database. They use an older, fairly obscure proprietary software that was previously managed by a man I'll call Tom. Before I was hired, whenever my company needed to make changes, they would call him in make changes to the database at an hourly rate. Since then, I've taken on much of his workload in regard to programming the database (which he has told me he is more than happy to offload, as he is nearing retirement). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the most part, it is simple software, but occasionally when I have a question, I will email him the snippet of code that I'm working on and ask for advice. Typically, he'll quickly reply with his own snippet, or he suggests coming in for an hour to go over what changes he would make (presumably to get paid for helping me, which he is absolutely within his right to do). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll preface this by saying that I have no traditional training in programming aside from a handful of introductory courses and what I've learned on my own time. My problem is, almost 100% of the time when I send him an email with the portion of code I'm working on to ask for advice, his reply will be something along the lines of &quot;You could be doing this much more efficiently&quot;. He then sends me a completely re-written version of that code without any comments on what I could have done differently, or what to watch out for next time. I get the impression from our interactions when he comes into our office that he is interested in seeing me become more proficient with the database software, and he is always willing to answer any questions I have. I do realize that he has no obligation to teach me anything, being that it's not really what he's paid to do. But, due to the obscure nature of the database software, I also find myself in the difficult situation of him being the only person I can look to for help, aside from some lack-luster documentation and the long-dead forums. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is this: Is there a way to ask him to be more in-depth in our emails about what I'm doing wrong without seeming like I'm trying to heap work onto him? I'm not worried about him thinking I'm trying to get him out of a job, so much as I'm concerned that I might be over-stepping my boundaries with someone who is not paid/obligated to teach me. He is compensated fairly well when he does come in, but I don't believe he's being paid for our emailing back &amp;amp; forth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9860" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T01:39:21.993" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T11:23:24.017" Title="How to ask for a better explanation on problems with my programming from someone not obligated to help?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7621" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7519" CreationDate="2017-12-05T00:15:54.143" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've done this quite a few times out of concern for the person's safety, but  I generally don't approach someone unless continuing will undoubtedly hurt the person.  I don't approach someone if they are just not doing an exercise in a preferred manner.  If they want guidance for general how-to do an exercise, they will generally look for someone else doing the same exercise that appears to know what they're doing and ask them, observe, or keep it inside.  If you start coaching every person to do an exercise the right way whether they ask or not, you should probably pick up a paycheck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've refined my approach to the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wait for them to finish whatever set they are currently doing. &#xA;Also wait a moment to see if they immediately go into another&#xA;exercise for a super-set.  Wait about 10 seconds or so so they can&#xA;catch a breather.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you haven't already, try to learn the difference between&#xA;&quot;having a bad day&quot; angry and a passive angry face.  If someone's&#xA;lifting seriously, they probably have an angry face on - that&#xA;doesn't automatically mean the person will brush you off, but&#xA;&quot;having a bad day&quot; angry generally means they will not appreciate&#xA;interruptions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) I have the following script, which emphasizes the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't say they're doing it wrong&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use a respectable title&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask permission to offer what you're seeing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain why it can be harmful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly - offer an alternative&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Excuse me, sir, would you mind if I point out something I'm seeing with your lift? (...)  I noticed that at the bottom of your bench press you're letting the bar drop on your chest and I can see your chest compressing.  In my experience you can get a more effective lift if you try starting the push a little earlier so that the bar turns around about an inch over your chest or at most gently touching your shirt.  This serves to not let the spring action of your rib cage take away some of the work, while also reducing the risk of a fracture or break.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to walk away without any emotion or taking it personally if they decline your first question.  Wish them a good workout on departure no matter if they accepted or declined your perspective. (I've had people decline, then come back later to talk some more).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2921" LastEditorDisplayName="user2921" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T17:28:40.717" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T17:28:40.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7620" CreationDate="2017-12-05T01:13:56.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Back at a previous job, I worked with a guy who always made an effort to say &quot;thank you&quot; to anything I did for him.  I don't generally expect to be thanked, but if someone expresses appreciation to me, it makes me want to do more the next time.  If it's something he's not getting paid for, that would be really important to show gratitude.  Additionally, &lt;em&gt;learning&lt;/em&gt; what he's telling you (ie changing what you do based on his feedback, incorporating what he says, asking questions) may be motivational to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest communicating directly with this person.  Acknowledge that he's not obligated to help you and that you appreciate what he's done.  Then I'd advise him what you want - do you want to learn how to do this when he leaves?  Do you want to learn programming?  Is this just fun until you find something more?  Whatever it is, I'd explain what you're looking for and ask how willing he is to help.  Then, &lt;em&gt;accept the answer&lt;/em&gt;.  Don't argue or try to change his mind; accept what he is willing to do and learn from that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally knowledgeable folks are happy to share that with people who want to learn and ask good questions.  I think that if you treat him like he's doing you a favor, he'll be more willing to help.  To do that, I'd suggest asking questions for clarification.  &quot;I see you want me to be more efficient in my code.  What did you mean? Did you mean I should....&quot;  As long as you're not badgering him or asking him to do your job for you, he should be willing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'd suggest clarifying this with your boss and see if he should be paid somehow for teaching you this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T01:13:56.553" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7624" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-05T02:10:46.040" Score="1" ViewCount="462" Body="&lt;p&gt;My problem is with my next door neighbor.  His grandson (approximately 5 years old) lives with him part time and they have started setting up one or two nets on the sidewalk and kicking a hard ball.  The objective of their game to get the ball in one of the nets.  They often miss and the ball has hit or nearly hit my car.  I am concerned that the ball will dent my car.  How do you suggest I deal with this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background: I have lived in my current home for the past 3.5 years.  In that time my neighbor has:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;During the night, he attached his hose to the spigot in front of my house to fill his pool.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Put his garbage can directly behind my car, thereby preventing me from backing out of the driveway without moving the can.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Parked his truck so that it blocks part of my driveway, thereby making it difficult to drive in or out of the driveway.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Parked his truck in the driveway of a deceased neighbor.  When their heirs came to the house to get it ready to sell, they confronted him and he defended what he had done.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The list goes on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9865" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T02:12:54.200" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T04:24:30.910" Title="How to ask a difficult neighbor not to play ball in front of house" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2017-12-05T10:55:37.290" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7532" CreationDate="2017-12-05T03:25:08.203" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;To start: I will always imply at the outset that I intend to read it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it comes up again I do the same as you and simply say &quot;not yet&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it comes up again after that I generally do one of the following depending on how close I am to this person and the general overall context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.) If I'm confident I'm not going to be quizzed on it I'll just tell them I've read it and I enjoyed it. This is a high-risk, high reward situation, because if you wind up having to comment intelligently on it you're screwed. I only employ this one with people I'm extremely close to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2.) I started it but couldn't get into it. I'm sure it's great I just have extremely peculiar tastes. I really appreciate the recommendation though, it was thoughtful of you. By the way, ....steer conversation immediately away to something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3.) I have to take medication to focus, otherwise I get stir-crazy and can't sit still. I'm not able to take it right now for _________(invent a reason).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9770" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T03:25:08.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7626" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7574" CreationDate="2017-12-05T03:26:39.270" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My congregation has retreats with shared rooms.  I share your pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When possible, I make specific plans for a roommate beforehand, and whoever gets there first signs us both in on the rooms sheet.  One year I couldn't do this and instead I waited until rooms started to fill in, and then found a room with one slot left and no known snorers.  I find it easier to avoid the situation in one of these two ways than to have a difficult conversation.  (The question title asks about avoidance, so I thought it ok to answer this way.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many snorers know they snore, and I once told somebody who talks openly about her own (loud!) snoring &quot;hey no, I like you, but we can't share a room&quot;.  Otherwise, like other answers have said, I'll say something that makes it sound more like &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; problem -- &quot;I'm a light sleeper and I can't handle even mild snoring, sorry&quot;.  Even if I know the person snores like a buzz-saw, this approach helps the other person save face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T03:26:39.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7624" CreationDate="2017-12-05T04:24:30.910" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's unlikely that a direct question is going to work here, based on past behaviour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first objective would probably be to make some form of meaningful connection. What need is he exhibiting by his actions? Does he live alone? If so, maybe his actions are a very backhanded way of trying to have some form of relationship? Or maybe he's been hurt or rejected by a previous neighbour, and is expecting that you will behave similarly? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible to offer your neighbour a drink, and a casual chat? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some listening (with a view to understanding), he make take more kindly to a request along the lines of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you and your grandson kick the ball on the sidewalk, I get scared because I like to get on with my neighbours. This might sound silly, but I'm worried that I'll get angry, if the ball hits my car and dents it. What do you think, when I say that? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The objective is to try to build rapport and understanding about where he's coming from. From there, to explore ways to get his (and grandson's) needs met - as well as yours. That might even involve offering to join in their game, &lt;strong&gt;at the park&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8943" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T04:24:30.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7629" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2827" CreationDate="2017-12-05T06:10:18.547" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some great answers here already, but I thought I'd add a couple of points that have been useful to me and I haven't seen raised already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Make sure your potential customer knows their budget&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mean simply &quot;ask them what their budget is&quot;, necessarily. The important thing is that &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; know what their budget is and why. For business websites, there's always a business-related goal for a new site - even if it hasn't been clearly defined. Once they know the goal, your potential customer should be able to work out how much it makes sense to spend on the project, such that the work will pay for itself in a reasonable amount of time. A surprising number of people don't do this work ahead of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, you/they should be able to work out if the proposed project is even feasible. If it will cost $20K to build a site to sell 10 items a week at a dollar each, the site will take 38 years to break even. I've told plenty of potential clients that what they're asking for is a good idea, but that it's economically impractical to build, and they've all been grateful for the advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Charge to quote&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only quote from an agreed-upon specification, and I charge to prepare that specification. In my view, you need a specification in order to have any hope of knowing how long something will take, and therefore how much it will cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether you charge your hourly rate or some nominal fee is up to you. Preparing the spec is a specialised skill that you have and they need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The spec is a deliverable in its own right that the customer owns afterwards. I tell people that they can take it to other developers to have it quoted on - that way they know they're comparing apples-to-apples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Paying for this step acts as an effective filter. If they're not willing to pay for a few hours work to specify an important project, then how important is that project? In my experience, most customers are quite receptive to the idea after a friendly explanation, and those that aren't were probably going to become a problem later on anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2694" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T06:10:18.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7630" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2017-12-05T06:36:35.137" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're still young, and your peers are still young, but 5 years is &lt;em&gt;NOT&lt;/em&gt; a large difference. I think the best answer would be along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why should it be a problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you haven't finished college and your SO has is a marginally bigger issue, but it's far from strange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4597" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T06:36:35.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7620" CreationDate="2017-12-05T07:01:25.283" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll preface this by saying that I have no traditional training in programming aside from a handful of introductory courses and what I've learned on my own time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you are working on a database without any training in how to do so?! You have to rely on your autodidactic skills and the help of Tom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first step would be to communicate very very clearly to Tom your skills and situation. Maybe you can ask him for books, online tutorials, online courses or even better a personal workshop with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he gets paid to help you, he will get paid to do a workshop, where he can explain the most common programming paradigms, coding conventions, etc. You can in return prepare specific questions to ask him afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second step might be to communicate this also very clearly to your boss. I guess he knew about your expertise in this field when he hired you, but maybe you still need to remind him, that everything might take a little longer and you might need a little help from Tom. And make sure your boss is on your side on this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if this database is so NOT up-to-date, he might consider hiring an actual database programmer to get him a newer, more efficient database. This could - in the long run - save money and workload. A well-designed, fast and organized database keeps all of you happy, trust me. If the time and place is right, make this suggestion to your boss ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7530" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T07:01:25.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7607" CreationDate="2017-12-05T08:19:07.380" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In India, as you noticed, we &quot;prepone&quot; things, do the &quot;needful&quot;, ask &quot;doubts&quot;, and ask what's your &quot;good name&quot;. But we don't expect westerners to actually use Indianisms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it's not offensive per se, I'd consider it unnecessary. Use your own style of English, is what I'd recommend. What would be offensive is if you would &quot;correct&quot; Indians about their words, words that are now well understood or accepted throughout India, although disliked by other speakers of English. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I am, as many here already know, an Indian. I also speak many Indian languages. &lt;a href=&quot;https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/needful&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Cambridge&lt;/a&gt; and a few other dictionaries suggest that &quot;do the needful&quot; was originally &lt;em&gt;British&lt;/em&gt; but then picked up by Indians.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="345" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T14:07:34.857" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T14:07:34.857" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7633" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-05T08:46:11.183" Score="16" ViewCount="1505" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a few days time I will be giving a valedictorian speech at my high school graduation. The teachers in charge asked me to show them my speech so I did. Just now a very different speech was sent to me with a title &quot;amended speech&quot;. The whole speech is completely different from mine except a few paraphrased lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm incredibly upset with this change as the original speech had a rebel undertone to it. My old speech was directed to my classmates and I stated that they shouldn't spend too much time on things that they were not happy doing, including studies. I challenged them to find ways to be lazy on studies and still keep their grades up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The new speech catered to everyone more equally but was also very short. In my opinion it served no purpose as it was extremely general. (Path here wasn't easy, we'll be going to universities around the world, thank you everyone, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I can't change the speech I'm not going to give the speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am close to the teachers in charge and I really don't want to trouble them. I have no idea about their intentions on this change. I'm perfectly fine to alter my speech or discuss about it but there are circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My graduation is just a few days away and I assume that the teachers are very busy on it. That's what usually happens in our (small international) school, and that's why I would try my best not to talk to the teachers. There are a few characters in this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Miss A&lt;/strong&gt;, who messages the students and informs them about changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Miss B&lt;/strong&gt;, who I heard from Miss A, edited my speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Principal&lt;/strong&gt;, who I have no idea about and never met before. (He/she was new.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I communicated only with Miss A through Facebook chat. She told me that Miss B will check and edit my speech. I thought she meant grammar or other small things until today. When I asked her what's wrong about my speech she said that it shouldn't focus mainly on students, as there are parents and teachers there. She also adds that &quot;the principal wants in to be in this way.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach them about discussing the edits, and in the worst case, explain that I will not give the new speech?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9882" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-02-26T15:49:07.593" LastActivityDate="2020-02-27T04:23:13.353" Title="How to talk to my teacher after my valedictorian speech script was altered beyond recognition?" Tags="&lt;teachers&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;&lt;public-speaking&gt;&lt;malaysia&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7633" CreationDate="2017-12-05T09:42:38.880" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;You do not want to trouble the teacher and that's nice of you... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;...but he/she &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; troubling you and this is worth at least an attempt to fix&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;...and you won't have the chance to trouble him/her anymore anyway, in the future, as you're leaving high school.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd suggest to go ahead and attempt the fix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Phase 1 - Request for clarification&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd go with the following e-mail&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good morning/afternoon/evening mr/mrs [teacher's last name],&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I read the amended version of my speech and I found it &lt;strong&gt;considerably&lt;/strong&gt; different than my original one: differences are &lt;strong&gt;remarkable and in terms of meaning&lt;/strong&gt;, rather than strict language corrections.&#xA;  This is not what I intend to say. Can we have a talk about this?&#xA;  I am really looking forward to discuss this with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Choose a kind-and-nice closure formula in this phase]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This is where you tell them that it's not what you are intended to say, and because you want (you have right to) speak your &lt;strong&gt;own&lt;/strong&gt; mind, there's no point in talking if you have to say things different than those you want to say; anyway, as this is an attempt to discuss-and-fix, it's still worth closing in a nice way.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Phase 2 - Your final decision&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the teacher does not answer or answers that there's no need to discuss it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good morning/afternoon/evening mr/mrs [teacher's last name]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;as it stands, I confirm that this speech does &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; represent what I intend to say, so I am afraid that I will not give the speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Kind-but-not-necessarily-nice closure formula]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Here's where you refuse to speak considering that they didn't want you to speak your mind. As I feel that no collaboration - not even discussion - is rude,  you don't need a nice closure, a kind one will suffice.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, if he/she agrees to sit down with you and discuss but will not bulge:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, I want to thank you very much for all you did in these years and, eventually, for taking further time to discuss this with me. I strongly appreciate that.&#xA;  The point is that we are on very different perspectives here, and as this version of the speech does not represent what I intend to say, I am afraid that I will not give the speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Here is where they at least tried to collaborate by discussing: while you still rightfully refuse to speak other people's words instead of yours, this is a way to close with at least a nice thank you.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get up, give a kind salutation, and go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T08:47:37.393" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T08:47:37.393" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7635" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7637" CreationDate="2017-12-05T11:11:20.063" Score="19" ViewCount="8655" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've changed my mind about doing a favour to a mate, it is not I don't want to do it, it is that something came up so it would put me out to live up to what I originally promised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;More detail&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some months ago, the schedule for a series of sport competitions opened in my region and two of them are located in two towns about 200km from me. Due to the distance and a deficient public transport system, the only way to be there on time is to drive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob, a mate from my sports club, asked me before sign in if I could take him in my car and I said yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that the competitions are here, I've found out that to be there on time requires leaving extremely early.  At a recent event I was so tired that I couldn't perform at my best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the next one I want to go properly rested, also there is a possibility of the road covered in ice/snow at that time in the morning and I don't have snow chains, so I decided to go the day before at middday and spent the night at a hotel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here is the problem: &lt;strong&gt;How should I tell Bob that I couldn't take him with me the day of the competition as I said? If he want to go with me, he should also rent a room.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I didn't ask him for money either for the previous trip or the next one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if it is relevant to the question, we are from a Southern European country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2336" LastEditorUserId="9911" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T20:40:50.103" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T20:40:50.103" Title="How should I tell someone that I've changed my mind about doing a favour?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7620" CreationDate="2017-12-05T11:12:44.083" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Asking Tom for an explanation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're already handling the day-to-day well. You and Tom seem to have a good rapport, and he's happy to help. I don't see any conflict here, currently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My question is this: Is there a way to ask him to be more in-depth in our emails about what I'm doing wrong without seeming like I'm trying to heap work onto him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's mostly a matter of phrasing. Instead of asking Tom to elaborate; point out your problem and ask Tom &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; he has &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; input. I would try to remain vague about what input to expect. That way, you give Tom the option of taking the easy way out (referring you to a good source of documentation), but also leave it open for Tom to write his own explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A quick suggestion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(1) From your earlier emails, I gather that my approach isn't the most efficient. I've been trying to expand my understanding of [tool], but the existing documentation is either sparse or nowhere to be found, and the forums don't see much activity lately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(2) Are there any resources that you know of which help with explaining how to use [tool] efficiently? Or did you learn through experience? If so, do you have any tips on how I can get more experience with [tool], e.g. example exercises for common problems?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(3) If you have the time, could you maybe show me some examples of &lt;em&gt;better&lt;/em&gt; approaches, so I can see the difference to my usual approach?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice the three paragraphs. They each boil down to a specific statement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm having trouble with learning more about [tool].&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Can you offer any tips/help with learning about [tool]?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(optional) Here's a suggestion that I think would help me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leaves Tom with a range of responses to choose from:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If Tom is willing to put in time and effort, he could draft you some documentation from his knowledge.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If Tom knows anything relevant, he can quickly point it out (tips, references), in a way that his answer does not commit him to having to train you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If Tom knows &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt; relevant, then he has the option of sympathizing with your issues in finding good documentation. This option allows him to essentially say &quot;no&quot; but still create a good rapport with you (instead of him coming across as unwilling to help).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I think the interpersonal issue here is caused by a workplace issue. I'll add that in the next chapter. If it's not appropriate for your scenario, let me know and I'll remove it if you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Where is the management in all this?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that Tom is willing to offload the work onto you; but you've been eerily silent about the company's involvement in the process.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Are they involved in any capacity? I would assume that you're their employee, and Tom is not (since he's hourly). That means that Tom is officially an external purchase, and I doubt you have the autonomy to make company purchases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an inference, but I get the feeling that the company has tasked you with a job you're not well-trained for, and is leaving you to your own devices.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping a good rapport with Tom, while beneficial to your job, is only a &lt;strong&gt;patch&lt;/strong&gt; to the existing wound. It refers back to the old adage:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're asking Tom for fish. The company should be buying you a fishing rod and sending you to a fishing course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Especially with Tom's impending retirement&lt;/em&gt;, will it become more important for you to become self-sufficient at using [tool]. What's going to happen when he does retire?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Anecdotally, this is the current situation I'm in. An employee who singlehandedly ran a software development department has retired, his work is passed on to someone else &lt;strong&gt;after&lt;/strong&gt; they retired. The new person is nowhere near self-sufficient, and the client contracts supported by this software are a sizable chunk of the company's income.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;Since the work needs to be done; the company has had to resort to hiring me as an external consultant to rework the old guy's work, and I'm costing them &lt;strong&gt;three times more&lt;/strong&gt; than an internal employee to do so. It's not my job to tell them to not hire me, but objectively speaking, my presence is a financial punishment for the company's failure to plan ahead.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the company does not involve itself in your situation &lt;strong&gt;now&lt;/strong&gt;, they're likely going to end up in the same situation as my current company. Their infrastructure is relying on a tool that no one really knows how to manage (no offense intended to you :)), and if Tom is out of the picture, who's going to fix things?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This isn't even retirement related. What if Tom gets hit by a bus tomorrow?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you come across a problem that's insurmountable, and Tom isn't there to help you, then what? THe only other option they have is &lt;strong&gt;replacing&lt;/strong&gt; the tool, and that's not only going to cost them a lot, but the effects of the change will be felt in &lt;em&gt;every&lt;/em&gt; part of the company that relies on [tool].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to take this to the company. Don't complain about a &lt;em&gt;current&lt;/em&gt; problem, but do pull attention towards the &lt;strong&gt;future viability&lt;/strong&gt; of maintaining [tool].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are ways to solve this, which will be cheaper now, compared to when Tom is no longer there:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If training courses exist for [tool], suggest that the company sends you on these courses.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If Tom is still available for work, they could e.g. hire him to &lt;strong&gt;train&lt;/strong&gt; you. Note that this is not the same as hiring Tom to work with you. They should dedicated time to lessons that are not hinging on active current problems with [tool].&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If no training is possible, they can allot some time for you to set up a sandbox environment so you can get some hands on experience. If you're an autodidact; that is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I do think it's essential that you approach the company. They're supposed to manage you; so it's their job to steer clear of future problems. You can only warn them of the future problems, &lt;strong&gt;you can't solve the problems if the root cause of the issue is that you're not equipped to solve the problems&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Failing to approach the company and warn them about this, can be a source of great interpersonal conflict in the future (between you and your boss), and can affect your employment and career as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The step-by-step approach is the same as when you asked Tom for help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Outline the future problems.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask the company for their input.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer any suggestions that you can think of.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(1) I've been working with [tool] for some time now. I find myself relying on Tom often, because I lack the needed documentation to be self-sufficient here. Sadly, there is not much documentation (nor support) to be found in the public domain. Tom has been helping me so far, but he is going to retire in the near future; and I currently do not feel sufficiently equipped to deal with the problems that arise with [tool] if I can't rely on Tom's guidance from time to time.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  If we address this issue when Tom has already retired, I worry about coming across insurmountable problems. As our infrastructure relies on [tool], I feel it's imperative that we ensure its operability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(2) Is there any internal documentation that I'm unaware of? Is there anyone else in the company experienced with [tool]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(3) I'd like to get ahead of this problem, as postponing a solution will likely only compound the problem down the line. Would it be possible for us to hire Tom, not so much to have him solve the current problems, but rather to train me on effectively using [tool]?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;[If applicable to you]&lt;/em&gt; Would it be possible to set up a sandbox environment for me, so I can tinker with [tool] and learn about its workings? It will require me to dedicate some time to it, but I could do this ad hoc, i.e. when there are no pressing issues that need to be resolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T11:23:24.017" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T11:23:24.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7635" CreationDate="2017-12-05T11:25:16.413" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see a need to complicate this, tell Bob, as you have told us that your plans have changed. Tell him why but don't &lt;em&gt;over&lt;/em&gt;explain. A rush of reasons might make it sound as though you were making excuses to avoid his company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob,  you remember the last competition, I didn't do as well as I wanted because I had to wake up so early to be there on time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For the next one I want to go properly rested and avoid night driving&#xA;  in the snow, so I'm going to to go the day before and get myself a&#xA;  hotel room. I'll be leaving at 12 on XXday, more than happy to still&#xA;  give you a lift if you were thinking of the same. I'm going to stay at&#xA;  the YYY Inn, I can give you their number if you want to book there&#xA;  too.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But whatever you do DO IT SOON, so Bob has the maximum time to make new arrangements if he can't do the same as you for cost or other reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T11:25:16.413" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7638" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7635" CreationDate="2017-12-05T11:25:23.973" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are doing him a favor by carpooling without asking any money. That's nice of you. This time though you evaluated after having the previous event that things didn't work out for you, but it has nothing to do with Bob or the favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell him: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob, due to the predicted snow and me having no snow chains and that I'd like to be rested for the competition. I decided it would be better if I booked an hotel near the event. I am sory about the change of plans, I know it's less convenient for you. You can still tag along if you like, but you will have to book a room. Please let me know if I you want me to pick me up. If so, be ready at 1 pm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes clear, you don't mind him tagging along for the ride and that your change of plans had nothing to do with him. It's just something you prefer (better rest and more safety due to snowfall).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3585" LastEditorUserId="3585" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T15:12:05.827" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T15:12:05.827" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7639" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7640" CreationDate="2017-12-05T12:14:59.270" Score="34" ViewCount="9842" Body="&lt;p&gt;My cousin and I recently moved in together. We have always been close and everything is going great except for a topic he really likes but makes me uncomfortable. This topic is about the bullfighting culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a little context, in Spain bullfighing is usually controversial. There are people who strongly support it (and enjoy it), people who strongly hate it (and most likely would prefer it to be banned) and people who don't really care. There is an emotional component in these opinions, your &quot;guts&quot; tell you it is either right or wrong and no one usually changes their views on this matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My cousin really likes bullfighting, he goes to the shows, knows a lot about it and enjoys the culture in general. Me, on the other side, can't stand it. I'm more on the &quot;this shouldn't be allowed&quot; side, and get really disgusted every time this topic comes out. For me it's as brutal as gladiators fighting in the Roman ages, with the difference that the bulls didn't exactly choose to fight...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never and don't want to try to change his opinion. That only concerns to him. When he brings up something related to it, I just try to move the conversation into a different subject, or don't show any interest at all. However, I have never expressed my real feelings about it, because I don't want to be offensive (usually telling someone that something he enjoys is brutal and should be forbidden will come out as offensive...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this has made him think that I'm more on the &quot;don't enjoy it too much, but don't really care&quot; side, so he doesn't know how uncomfortable the casual comments or references make me feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to come up with a way of expressing to him how I feel and what my real views on this topic are, without being offensive, and clearly stating that I won't try to change his opinion. I would like to keep this aspect of his life to himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9884" LastEditorUserId="4177" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T21:59:37.283" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T09:37:52.397" Title="How to approach flatmate (and relative) to stop talking about a topic that makes me uncomfortable" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7639" CreationDate="2017-12-05T12:36:55.797" Score="67" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, I have never expressed my real feelings about it, because I don't want to be offensive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll recommend Gordon's method, which is applied in three easy steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Active listening&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I know you like bullfighting...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reframe on &lt;strong&gt;yourself&lt;/strong&gt; to avoid blaming him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;...but although I've never told you, it really makes me uneasy, I can't help but feel sorry for the poor animal...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No losers (ie this is not an argument)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;...I'm not asking you to stop liking it, I just don't like to talk about it, okay?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;usually telling someone that something he enjoys is brutal and should be forbidden will come out as offensive...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, that's why this method avoids doing that. All it does is express that it makes you feel bad and that the other person should not talk about bullfighting with you because they care about not making you feel bad. It's simple and effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he asks why you never told, you can explain that you didn't want to come out as meaning that &quot;it should be forbidden&quot; and annoy him, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Optional off-topic note: You will most likely not be able to change his mind on bullfighting (this is a very touchy subject). However if animal welfare is an important matter to you, you can always try to convince him to purchase free-range meat (or at least animals raised in decent conditions) instead of industrial farmed meat, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T12:50:01.737" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T12:50:01.737" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7642" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-05T13:10:42.957" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of these answers seem to me to reinforce any preconception that there's an underlying problem in your relationship. Personally, I'd just opt for a lighter non-answer like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, he's at home&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He had his own plans&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This isn't really his thing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to address it head on, I'd opt for something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because I'm with you guys right now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can follow that up with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not going to be one of those people who drags her boyfriend everywhere or starts shunning my other friends in favour of my relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That answers the question and makes it clear that there isn't an issue in your relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4071" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T13:10:42.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7639" CreationDate="2017-12-05T13:17:53.917" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are similar 'sports' in other cultures too. Here in the UK there is a tradition of fox hunting which polarises opinion, although a majority are against it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to choose words that make it clear you want to cease discussion of bullfighting rather than enter into a debate about it. For this reason I feel you should avoid expressing any opinion on the subject at all. You clearly respect his conscience which considers the sport to be acceptable - you want him to respect yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people have a concept of what the 'conscience' is, and it can be helpful to personify it; ie speak about your conscience as a separate entity. We all 'listen' to our consciences. This technique may prevent your cousin from attempting to debate YOU on the subject. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that you enjoy bullfighting, and I respect your feelings on&#xA;  that. But I'm afraid my conscience won't allow me anything to do with&#xA;  bullfighting. Even talking about it pricks my conscience and makes me&#xA;  feel bad. Would you mind not talking about it when I'm around?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course he may still press you for reasons why, and it is up to you whether you enter into a discussion or not. If he is reasonable then a discussion could end amicably with you 'agreeing to disagree', but these things can sometimes hang in the air and cause bad feeling, with one person always wondering if the other person looks down on them. You could persist with the 'personified conscience' and just keep it a mystery:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't explain it. That's just how my conscience is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep the discussion focused on &lt;em&gt;how your conscience makes you feel&lt;/em&gt; when he talks about bullfighting, rather than how &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; makes you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T13:17:53.917" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7512" CreationDate="2017-12-05T13:23:04.127" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you and your girlfriend's relationship has reached the stage of you moving in together, and your girlfriend's family still haven't been invited round for a meal/drink/general-socialising, I'd be concerned, too. Friends and family do visit each other. It doesn't have to be a case of dropping in unannounced every day, but the fact that you say she hasn't even been inside your house after however many months of you and your girlfriend being together is frankly weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course if you lived a long distance away, then that wouldn't be so unusual. But you say it's just a bit of a diversion from her usual route to work, so you live maybe an hour's drive apart at most? And you're consciously excluding your girlfriend's family from your home? Sorry, this is mega alarm bells, because excluding contact is the classic first step of an abusive relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to silence those alarm bells, start treating her parents like you'd treat any other friends. Invite them round to yours occasionally for a meal. If she calls to say she's going to be in your area, and you're both not otherwise engaged, and she hasn't been round for a while, then she can drop in for a coffee - your girlfriend can tell her you've got an hour before you need to get to work, go shopping or whatever, so the time is well bounded. Basically the same as you'd do with anyone else. You don't need to give her parents keys to your house so they can get in whenever they want, but completely refusing to allow them across the threshold is equally wrong. Of course you know she may not have &quot;just been in the area&quot;, but it's not a problem unless she's turning up more often than you or your girlfriend would like. And the same as you'd do with your friends, her inviting herself round for a drink occasionally is normal, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Certainly you're describing a classic helicopter parent, and she needs boundaries setting. If you're busy, or if you simply don't want her round sometime, then &quot;no&quot; is a complete sentence. But fully excluding your girlfriend's family from your day-to-day life together is never going to be constructive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T13:29:24.720" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T13:29:24.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2017-12-05T13:40:20.287" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is none of your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;True.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Age is just a number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;True, especially considering that 18/23 is not the same difference as 20/50, and especially due to the fact that I have not rarely met mature 18-years-olds and never-grown-up 40-years-olds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am 36, my ex is 23, grown up without a father (suicidal) and helping her mother growing a younger brother with mental troubles: she was MUCH smarter, wiser, more caring, more understanding and more mature than many succesful 50-years-old C.E.O.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which leads me to my suggestion on how to answer them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I asses people by analyzing their &lt;strong&gt;brain&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;heart&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;experiences&lt;/strong&gt;, not a mere date of birth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To which you may want to add...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So please get back at me on this when you can make a stronger point than a useless difference of dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...depending on how aggressive you want to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have plenty of arrows for your bow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, people only caring about a time difference and not taking into account life experiences are &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; worth talking to or explaining to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T13:47:03.043" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T13:47:03.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7639" CreationDate="2017-12-05T14:07:06.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is very common when people talk about sensitive subjects, especially politics, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It takes really little-to-no effort to turn a pleasant night out with friends into a fight, which would not be pleasant any longer for any of the friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Been there, seen that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learnt to &lt;strong&gt;explicitly stop the subject on its first signals of springing up&lt;/strong&gt;: as soon as anyone asks me about a sensitive subject, I respond with variants of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I don't like talking about politics [optionally add: ...while I'm having a good time out and unwind from a hard work day]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, this is a subject in which I'm aware that my opinion is not popular and I'd never want to risk starting a fight - I know how these things end up - so, if you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or, if you've already been talking about that in the past&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, you know what my opinion is, we've been through that in the past and none of us is willing to change mind, so I say we both keep our own opinions and move on talking about other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T14:07:06.553" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7639" CreationDate="2017-12-05T14:43:46.787" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;I value our friendship more than I do arguing or letting things fester. You probably didn't know this, but I don't really like talking about bullfighting. It's no fault of yours, as there is no way you could have known. But are you OK with us not talking about it? I'd really appreciate it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9893" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T14:43:46.787" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7649" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7662" CreationDate="2017-12-05T15:05:31.550" Score="2" ViewCount="1682" Body="&lt;p&gt;My parents divorced when I was in college after 23 years of marriage. A couple of years ago, my mom took to online dating. The first person she &quot;met&quot; scammed her out of a million dollars and then faked his own death. I put &quot;met&quot; in quotations because although they talked for nearly a year they never met face to face. Then she moved on to someone else that is doing the same thing. She's given him $400K over nearly two years without meeting him. The pattern seems to be they live in the same city but are currently &quot;stuck&quot; overseas and need money so they can get back to the states. Then it's one excuse after the other (none of which make any rational sense: hotel bills, have to pay taxes before they can leave the country, webcams broke so they can't video chat etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had her ask him to send his passport photo which is clearly fake. Despite all the evidence she refuses to accept it. One element of human nature I've learned quite well over the years is that when someone doesn't want to believe something it can be quite hard to convince them of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The entire family has worked tirelessly to get her to stop. Her mom even threatened to take her out of the will. Nothing seems to work. She lies to everyone about talking to him. The worst part is she is in her mid sixties and she is at the point physically where each successive year she loses talking to these people, her appearance wanes more and more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am at my wit's end on how to deal with this. I was wondering if anyone had gone through something similar with a family member and had any advice on how to approach her on this issue. Everything I know about situations like this tells me not to engage in controlling/rescuing behavior but it's easier said then done when it comes to people you love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9770" LastEditorUserId="9912" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T18:39:07.607" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T05:39:38.230" Title="Confronting mother being scammed from Online Dating" Tags="&lt;intervention&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-12-06T05:34:18.717" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7651" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="986" CreationDate="2017-12-05T15:34:44.277" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your approach was pretty aggressive which apparently put him on the defensive. I know this kind of thing can make people harbor resentment and opposition - we're human afterall. Next time, keep a level head, and sprinkle in a bit of humor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying something playful like &quot;Damned fish! I'm gonna suffocate them all!&quot; Then smile, ask if him he is OK with conserving water. This is a magical phrase &quot;Are you OK with _________&quot;. It shows consideration and lets the person know they have a choice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are feeling-based and will be more willing to follow your lead if you bring lightheartedness into the request. They may not remember what you asked of them, but they will certainly remember how they felt around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9893" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T15:34:44.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7652" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7657" CreationDate="2017-12-05T15:37:00.693" Score="50" ViewCount="28014" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Our Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend was born in Laos and is currently living with her family in France. Money has always been a problem for her and her family. Her parents both don't earn a lot and regularly ask her for &quot;&lt;em&gt;financial help&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. While they claim it's just temporarily, they never showed any intention of paying anything back to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was born in Austria, where I currently live and where she intends to move in with me. I myself do not have such monetary problems. I am currently studying for my BSc in Information Security at university. My monthly income is currently €600 and I have about €25,000 saved up in various assets (savings accounts, investment funds, etc.). Also, my chances of getting a well-paid job in the InfoSec industry are very good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I enjoy giving my girlfriend gifts. She enjoys playing videogames together with me, so sometimes I buy her a new game off her wishlist, or a DLC for a game we enjoy playing together, or an in-game item or similar. A while ago, for example, she showed me a video about some ultra-rare in-game emotes for the game Killing Floor 2 and said how much she wanted to have one specific emote. I looked around the Steam Marketplace until I found someone selling that emote for 60€. I bought the emote and when I told her that, she was rather upset at me. She didn't want me to spend so much money on &quot;a stupid emote&quot; and told me how many other things I could have bought for myself with this money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was rather surprised by her reaction, and I don't really know how to proceed with it. She knows how much money I have and how much I earn, so I am not pretending to be barely making it through the month. I considered that she might consider those gifts &quot;&lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=flexing&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;flexing&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, but this was never my intention, given that the cost of my gifts are not exorbitant and never exceed €100.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way I can convince my girlfriend that she should not worry about the gifts I give her? Or should I accept that it makes her feel uneasy and stop giving her gifts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Questions from the Comments:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Q:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;You mention that you're planning to live together. Have you discussed finances with respect to that yet?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;A:&lt;/strong&gt; Yes, my girlfriend would plan to stay at home and take care of the household. While a single-earner household does not have the same economic strength as if she were to work part-time, I do certainly see it within our possibilities to have good standard of living with only one income.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Q:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;I don't think the problem is on the offering. It's on the gift - a digital cosmetic item. I consider myself a gamer as well and to be fair that's a lot for a cosmetic and I think that's why she got upset. Can you confirm this?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;A:&lt;/strong&gt; I agree that it's a lot, but as far as I understood, she didn't want me to spend as much money on her, not that she was upset that the item was so expensive. She had the same reaction when I bought her a game for 15€, which was worth every cent.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Q:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;So she just said she wanted it, but didn't ask you to buy it for her and you also didn't tell her beforehand that you would?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;A:&lt;/strong&gt; Correct. She wanted it and I wanted to surprise her with &quot;Look what I got for you!&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Q:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;How long have you two been together?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;A:&lt;/strong&gt; One and a half years now.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6497" LastEditorUserId="441" LastEditorDisplayName="user6497" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T12:59:36.090" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T00:34:56.127" Title="How can I convince my girlfriend not to worry about gifts I give her?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="99" CreationDate="2017-12-05T15:47:58.543" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it depends on vibe and context, but my experience has shown that being genuinely curious about the other person leads to great conversations. Sprinkle in some other ideas and conversations can happen:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Ask questions of the person in a non-interrogatory manner. Relate it to something else. &#xA;2) Notice something on the bus or in your environment. Relate it to something else and weave into other conversations.&#xA;3) Relate some personal stories about yourself&#xA;4) Comment on something they are wearing &#xA;5) Get comfortable with silences. They happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9893" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T15:47:58.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-05T15:59:03.070" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just be honest with her about how you feel, but keep in mind that she might never feel fully comfortable with it (whether it be cultural, personal, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really enjoy giving you gifts. I'd rather spend this 60€ on something we can enjoy together than something I'd be enjoying alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also acknowledge her feelings though, in case it really is making her uncomfortable (and she doesn't think she will adjust).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If it makes you really uncomfortable, I can stop - but I'd really like to be able to continue gifting you these things. It makes me happy to have things we can enjoy together like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T15:59:03.070" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-05T16:14:46.160" Score="101" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there any way I can convince my girlfriend that she should not worry about the gifts I give her?&lt;br&gt; &#xA;  Or should I accept that it makes her feel uneasy and stop giving her gifts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You noted also&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Money has always been a problem for her and her family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So she probably learned to be careful handling money and to rather think twice, before spending money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, she said she wanted something costly and pretty insignificant, to be honest, but didn't ask you to buy it for her. You also didn't ask, if she wanted you to buy it for her. Then, you surprised her...  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you do neither of what your questions suggest. Instead, you should start to take her serious. She probably felt like she made you throw your money out of the window. Keep in mind that she doesn't take that lightly. Also, be glad about her reaction - she cares for you, else she would have been happy about you buying her whatever she wants. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a discussion with her about how things shall be handled from now on. Some time has passed and she probably calmed down, so now give her the opportunity to better explain her feelings. You can also do the same and Jess K's excellent answer covers that already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you better ask her next time to give her the opportunity to say &quot;No&quot; (or &quot;Yes&quot;) and who knows, maybe she says &quot;No&quot; and suggests an even better way for you &lt;strong&gt;two&lt;/strong&gt; to spend the money &lt;strong&gt;together&lt;/strong&gt; and enjoy it even more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T16:14:46.160" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2017-12-05T16:18:48.253" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A possibility is to use irony in order to make them realize how stupid their comment is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My girlfriend is 5 years older than I.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Isn't she too old for you ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Indeed, she is. But, you know, I love her so much !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still insist, as in the &quot;she's working and you're studying&quot; case you mention in your question, then you could take the irony further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, of course, &lt;strong&gt;just for you&lt;/strong&gt; I'm going to ditch my beloved girlfriend only because of her age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They should then figure their comment is rather displaced, stupid and pointless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2849" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T16:18:48.253" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-05T16:22:53.447" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you grow up with financial insecurity you learn certain attitudes and habits. It's likely been drilled into her to not spend &quot;frivolously&quot;. Things like presents and games fall into this category of non-essential expenses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she is planning to stay at home and rely entirely on your income, how you spend your money is now her concern (after all, it will soon be &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; money too). She may have some anxiety over this: What if you can't find a job right away, or you run into hard times in the future? Are you responsible enough to know when to forgo buying fun stuff? Will you prioritize supporting her parents like she has?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure that she is comfortable with your (plural) future plans, financially. Do you budget? If so, go over it together and agree on spending levels - say you decide on 60€ each per month of &quot;fun money&quot; that you can spend however you please. Then you can say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to use my fun money this month to surprise you :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might think it's silly, but she knows it isn't cutting into the parental assistance or grocery fund for the month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't budget, this would be a good time to make one with her!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another benefit of the &quot;fun money&quot; allocation is that you don't need to tell her exactly how much the gift cost. In my culture (US) we don't normally tell people how much gifts cost anyways because it leads to awkward situations. The budget lets her be secure knowing that you have spent within the agreed limits, without needing to know exactly how much this one item was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is unhappy with &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; you've spent your fun money on, try to get solid answers of why. It may be that she didn't want it all that badly, and feels embarrassed by the perceived extravagance. Consider asking her in the future before buying her expensive things - you'll need to figure out what &quot;expensive&quot; means in your relationship, and again having a budget can help with defining this. Some couples agree on a particular amount over which they have to consult the other before purchasing, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;This might sound like an overly serious reaction, but financial issues are a leading cause of divorce, which means this has real potential to sour your relationship if not addressed.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T16:29:25.527" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T16:29:25.527" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-05T16:31:59.767" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I see it there are two fundamental issues you are dealing with here.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Your GF has been living in a world of scarcity.  A world were spending  15€ for a video game would actually be irresponsible since there are other necessities  that need to be purchased with that money.  You on the other hand have been living in a world of plenty were you can afford responsibly to buy some luxuries.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2)  Your GF may also be feeling guilt about having so many nice things (luxuries) when here family does not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;1) don't stop getting her gifts. She will most likely get used to having more nice things over time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) keep the gifts more conservative for now.  for example 15€ gifts instead of 100€ gifts. With a big gift maybe once a year on your anniversary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) tell her you get her these gifts because you love here and want to show her you love her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) Once in a while give her the gift of helping her family. Be very careful with this one as it has the rick of morphing into you supporting her family.  Make the gifts for special occasions like holidays or a major life event.  And try to give service more than physical things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Note&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;My wife grew up poor (though she didn't feel poor at the time) And she has a really good talent for being frugal.  It's been a huge benefit in our marriage.   She also had to adjust to me spending money on her (for example taking her out to sushi which she loves)  She has gotten used to it over time.  And I have also learned to be a little more conservative with my money.  So we have both grown from the experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck mate!  :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T18:35:24.757" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T18:35:24.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7661" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7665" CreationDate="2017-12-05T16:55:27.633" Score="54" ViewCount="14332" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, recently my youngest brother (he's 16, I'm 26) had a party of a classmate. Mom and dad did allow him to go, and he did just fine. He lived by the rules, he sent a message when he arrived safely and one when he started the bicycle ride back, was home sort-of on time. He only missed one rule: No alcohol. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom and dad were tired, so I promised I would stay up to make sure my brother arrived safely home, or else wake them up. When he came home, he seemed off to me, but I brushed it off as him being sleepy. Yesterday, he confessed to me he had 3 beers at the party, and he wasn't sleepy but halfway drunk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't push him for that information, he told me out of the blue. I'm glad he thinks I can be trusted with the information, but at the same time, I was at a loss for words when he told me. Now that I've had some time to think about it, I feel like I should have a talk with him about this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know him as being an irresponsible person.&#xA;Generally speaking, we can say that his friends weren't the most responsible people, and having drunk only 3 beers might have been quite the achievement when counting peer pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's 16, he's allowed a very occasional alcoholic beverage at home when there's a special occasion. But, he's not allowed to drink alcohol when he's not home. Especially not when he has to cycle home alone, on a road along a canal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to have a talk with him about this, to express my worries and hopefully address some of the dangers he took, and make him realize he was being irresponsible, and that if mom and dad ever find out, he might well face serious consequences. At the same time, I want him to understand that  &lt;strong&gt;I don't want to ruin his trust in me by telling my parents.&lt;/strong&gt; I hope that by doing so, he feels confident to tell me next time something happens, when he's at a party with the wrong people, or even call me to pick him up when he's too drunk to safely get home.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, I have no idea how to say this without either sounding like my mom, providing a sermon on irresponsible behavior, or sounding like I might run off to tattle-tale everything to mom and dad (I won't!). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What do I have to keep in mind when I want to have a fruitful talk about this with my brother?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tiny disclaimer:&lt;/strong&gt; Until a few years back, the legal age for drinking light alcoholic beverages like beer was 16 years in The Netherlands (so my oldest brother and me grew up being allowed to drink at 16), in 2014 it got raised to 18. My parents are allowing my brother to drink at home on special occasions, as far as I know this isn't illegal.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T17:14:33.187" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T15:53:03.423" Title="How can I express my concerns about my underage brother drinking alcoholic beverages to him without sounding like I'm his mom?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7649" CreationDate="2017-12-05T17:05:34.937" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You could try finding a way to fill her need to be loved and valued.&lt;/strong&gt;  The problem with this is that it appears she needs to feel valued as a romantic partner which is a need you will not be able to fill. Nevertheless you could try things like inviting her out to a bar,  or party,  anything that gets her out of the house and meeting people (her age preferably) in real life.  The goal being to help her meet real people she could potentially start relationships with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember though,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can't control any one's actions but your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mother won't listen to your calmly reasoned advice, and she won't listen to the more passionate threats from others,  well it seems unlikely that anything will change her behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure she feels the consequences of her actions.  For example you could go to her mother and talk to her about following through on her threat to take your mom out of the will. If your mother sees that people will back their words up with action hopefully it will encourage her to change.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than that just make sure that she know that you love her and value her.  Tell her specific ways you are grateful for her. And encourage your family to do the same.  Their advice to stop dating these people online should not be the only thing they (or you) talk to her about.  In a relationship you need to put money in the bank (kind actions towards some one) before you take money out (negative actions/words towards said person).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS.  She should probably see a psychologist.  As you've seen, going through a divorce is the kind of experience that has the potential to really scar people emotionally.  But if you can't get her to curb her online dating habits, you probably won't have much luck getting her to a psychologist.  I felt I should mention it anyway.  Nothing beats professional help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T17:05:34.937" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7661" CreationDate="2017-12-05T17:22:11.770" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a sister about three years younger than me, and from time to time over the past year we've had similar problems (albeit with less serious issues than drinking). There have been a couple of talks where I felt like she wasn't being as cautious as she should be, or where she'd fought with our parents and the argument hadn't reached a constructive conclusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, there are a few things that have helped me in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;1. You're on his side.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing I'd make clear is that I'm on her side. I'm not just enforcing some arbitrary rule; I'm looking out for her safety. I know that parents say the same things sometimes, but it doesn't always carry the same weight. My sister's fought with my parents sometimes (as have I) because she couldn't understand that; in cases where I've said something, instead - well, it seems to get across better. We're alike enough, and we've been together since she was born, and that forms a bond. In plenty of cases, siblings don't like each other, and that can be a fact of life. But in others, there is a relationship that is different from a parent-child relationship. It might be easier than you think to make your brother think you're not talking down to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;2. You're not enforcing rules for the sake of having rules.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second thing to get him to understand is that there's a point behind the rules. When we're little - and I mean grade school age - a lot of rules seem arbitrary because we don't understand them. It's kind of hard to shake the belief that some rules are there just for the sake of having rules. Maybe your brother just sees the benefits of drinking - he thinks it's fun, for instance - and doesn't see the downsides of having three beers. To be honest, you don't even have to explicitly acknowledge &amp;quot;don't drink three beers irresponsibly&amp;quot; like a rule - more of a really, really, really good suggestion that he should really really really follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to quote statistics or tell him to watch anti-drinking videos; that's not going to get him to listen to you. But you could tell him, using common sense, why drinking that much unsupervised can be dangerous. Also, if you've had past experience with drinking - which I guess you haven't - you could also be in a position to say &amp;quot;Hey, I know what &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to do&amp;quot;. I like to say that the people that do best in interpersonal situations are the ones that have made mistakes in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;3. Address the future.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to help him, right? You want him to stay safe; after all, that's the whole point of having the rule in the first place. So, talk to him about what can you do in the future to keep him safe, or mitigate the consequences if he does do something dangerous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask him to keep in touch with you (via phone), so you know he's okay. My sister's generally okay with this approach, but not everyone will be. Very few people want to be the uncool kid who has to keep checking in with his or her older sibling or parents, but he could do things discretely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you know someone in the group, or someone who will be around them, ask if they can monitor him/make sure he's okay.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure he has water or something similar on his person, which can dilute alcohol and hopefully help mitigate the effects.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Know where he is planning to be, and maybe offer to pick him up. The worst thing that could happen is that he's both drunk &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; somewhere unknown.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T17:22:11.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7666" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7661" CreationDate="2017-12-05T17:31:48.753" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Carrot or stick? Punishments and/or authority do not work very well on rebellious teenagers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he comes home &lt;strong&gt;not drunk&lt;/strong&gt;, there will be a prize (like 20€ or something). This is strictly between you and him, no need to inform the parents. It's a little bonus to compensate for the &quot;fun&quot; he missed by not being drunk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also make a deal: you'd cover for him occasionally if he really needs it, but only if he's reasonable enough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could inquire why he drank alcohol. Was it because everyone else did? Encourage him to observe the effect on others, that can be quite spectacular... Was it for the fun? While drinking a little bit can increase the fun, too much will spoil the evening (and the next day). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he never got drunk and learned the feeling of a massive hangover, maybe he doesn't know that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to provide some education, you can always elaborate about some of the risks of cycling home while drunk near canals or traffic, or mention what young ladies think of the one who throws up due to excessive binge drinking... it ain't sexy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T17:31:48.753" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-05T17:50:02.273" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Over time, this will become a non-issue as long as you keep open communication about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, the money is still a place where you two differ, so it's good to remember the general rule of gifts, which is that it really has to be for the other person. If it stresses them out, even if the stress comes from a situation that no longer applies, it's not serving its purpose. For instance, I enjoy eating my favorite treats whenever I come across them, so I used to buy my husband his favorite snacks any time I was at the store. Eventually I learned that he prefers not to have them very often and to get the anticipation of buying them for himself. Likewise, my grandma loves figurines and trinkets but learned that I don't decorate and, to me, they're just dust collectors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to someone who has anxiety about money, one way to give them a gift that doesn't make them uncomfortable is to tell them you saw something that reminded you of them and that you decided not to get it for them but that you wanted to. (You can either leave it at that or you can ask if it would be okay.) The gift you're giving then is showing that you care about them enough to try to give them both what they want and what they need. Even if it's unintentional, giving a gift that makes someone uncomfortable can actually send the message that you only care about the &quot;best&quot; parts of them, by implying that you don't respect their flaws. In general, the only thing for it is communication. As she gets used to a less stringent lifestyle, and she sees that you know how to spend money on fun things and remain financially secure, she'll appreciate those little gifts more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9909" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T17:50:02.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-05T18:09:43.530" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest that it would be wise to investigate gently into how your girlfriend actually sees her financial relationship with her parents. While you see the situation as being like an ATM it is possible she sees it as merely the natural responsibility of a daughter. It is possible (even likely) her parents have sacrificed a great deal to get her into her current situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The extent to which children are expected to provide for their parents, and even siblings and wider family network, varies a great deal from culture to culture, so there is potential for cultural misunderstanding there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does see financial provision for her parents as part of her duty to them, it may explain her response. She may not feel comfortable receiving luxuries (even if these are relatively trivial) while her parents have more basic needs unmet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the case then my suggestion is to first identify any pressing needs in her family that might need to be met before she can be at ease. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then start to think about how much you can put aside to help her family over the long haul (examples might be putting a little aside every month for education related expenses for a sibling, or to help her parents out on home repairs). This should be done out of love, striking the balance between being generous without feeling used. This balance of responsibility for parents is something you should talk with your girlfriend about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your girlfriend may find occasional treats much more of a delight when you have taken steps to show her that her loved ones are being treated with fairness and generosity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9910" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T18:09:43.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-05T18:46:16.850" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the skill to learn here is the difference between what someone casually says they want and what they really value more than its cost.  I realize that's a tough one to figure out sometimes but saying that something in a video game looks cool and &quot;I want that&quot; doesn't really mean &quot;I want it&quot; when getting it involves spending real money.  A good test of whether or not a significant other really cares for you is whether or not they have the same reluctance to spend your money as they would have towards spending their own money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting to the point you made about the €15 game that she also got upset about.  Have you considered the possibility that she is not as into video games as you are?  Maybe she is playing them in order to have more in common with you.  I think if you got her something completely unrelated to video games and instead was something she is independently into or cares about or maybe even just flowers then she probably would have a nicer reaction than more video game stuff.  If we assume I'm right (you know her better than I do obviously so maybe I'm not) then she can't tell you &quot;I don't really like video games that much I just play them so we have stuff in common so don't spend money on video games for me&quot; so instead she says &quot;Don't waste money on me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9911" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T18:46:16.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7670" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7674" CreationDate="2017-12-05T19:06:02.943" Score="8" ViewCount="1948" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a woman we'll call Emma.  I've known her for a few years through work she does for somebody in my family.  I am in a long-term relationship, terrified of making my partner jealous, and hopelessly socially anxious usually, so we've never had a real conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually (always) when I see her, my partner is there, but over the weekend she wasn't able to make it.  Emma seemed unusually friendly and chatty, and we talked quite a lot.  There was also some body language which I feel like was saying a lot more than the words, but I have no idea because I've historically been socially inept.  I was actually blown away by my unexpected ability to survive the smalltalk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the thing is, I have no idea how to tell if she was trying to make a move with my partner not being around.  She didn't &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; anything that would suggest ulterior motives, but like I said, there were some moments she seemed to use her body as a way of saying something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I ask directly, &quot;when you did X, were you flirting?&quot;, I have a feeling that'll just make things &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; weird, whether or not I'm right.  Is there some tactful way to figure this out?  She will be in our lives for who knows how long, due to her work, so I want to make it not-weird but also figure out wtf was going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And asking my partner for insight is right out.  She wouldn't take it well if somebody else were showing interest in me.  (Yeah, it's a fun world I live in)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9901" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T23:12:14.870" Title="How do I tactfully get clarity about maybe-flirtatious behavior?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-05T19:11:12.097" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, the key problem is in your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I convince my girlfriend not to worry about gifts I give her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to do something because it makes you feel good, and you want to be in control of her reaction.  She doesn't get to choose because you are the one bringing gifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't work.  Because she does not have the means to give you back anything similar, she'll feel indebted, and debts are a bad feeling.  Too many gifts she is not in a position to return, and she might leave you.  Because such a one-sided relation makes you feel good, and her feel bad.  And then you'll be resentful for her ungratefulness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a stupid story, and a terribly common one.  Disproportionate gifts of the &quot;not expected to be returnable&quot; kind, in particular those paid for with money rather than time, are for mistresses, not for partners.  Avoid trying to feel good at the expense of her feeling bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That may mean hunting for weeks for some bargain she could have afforded herself even though you'd have been able to earn enough money fourfold over in the same amount of time to buy it at list price.  Because then you are investing time instead of money, and she can reciprocate.  Her exchange rates between time and money are different than yours, and you have to keep presents  affordable for &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is doubly important since she sees that you have contempt for her family because you think her family sees her just as an ATM, and yet you want her to behave as if she sees you just as an ATM, a convenient source of money that could not otherwise be had.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And she definitely has more to feel indebted for to her family than you have cause to feel indebted to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in future when trying to buy her a present, don't just consider &quot;will this make me feel good&quot; but also &quot;will this make her feel good&quot;.  And if you aren't sure about it, talk it out.  Or substitute a present which you feel reasonably safe about making &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; also feel good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9915" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T19:11:12.097" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7673" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7676" CreationDate="2017-12-05T19:21:13.390" Score="13" ViewCount="7414" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I met this girl, who we'll call Alice, about two years ago, and we have been casually dating for the past 2-ish months. She has been an off-and-on smoker for a handful of years, and when we first met, it was during an 'off' period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, Alice picked up the habit again about 6 months ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we first started casually dating it didn't bother me much, but it's progressively become something I don't enjoy being exposed to. I also have found that I'm not comfortable dating a smoker in general, due to their associated health risks and the expenses of such a habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice was originally going to stop smoking last month, and made great strides to cut down how many cigarettes she was consuming daily. However, she did not fully stop by her target date. She has continued to still smoke a couple times a day, and I can always smell it on her when we see each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I Have Tried&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told Alice that this bothers me, and I can't see myself in a long term relationship with someone who smokes (emphasizing that I'd be very concerned about her health). I also expressed to her that if there's anything I can do to assist her, to let me know. She was understanding, expressed that she &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; still want to quit but that her biggest vice was during her breaks at work, and said she would make a bolder attempt to completely cut it out of her life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, a few weeks have passed and I feel like things have actually gotten worse. Instead of only smelling the smoke on her on her work days, I've noticed I've also smelled it on her on two occasions where she didn't even have work that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I asked her about those specific days, she gave me very specific reasons why she had smoked on those days:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I had a lot of anxiety about going to the doctor.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That was just a habitual smoke while I was driving around.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found it hard to figure out where to go from here (and am in need of help) because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Alice has a diagnosed anxiety disorder that can make communicating difficult.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I don't approach the subject delicately, it's easy for Alice to shut down. I want to make sure I don't make Alice's smoking habits &lt;strong&gt;worse&lt;/strong&gt; by sounding like I am demanding or attacking her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like this has also made Alice feel like she can't talk to me about her progress, because she knows it can potentially bother me (and the idea of possible tension would make her very anxious).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I know that I don't understand what it's like to quit smoking.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My most primitive feelings are that Alice doesn't want to quit smoking, or she would have done it by now. However, I know that breaking this addiction can be difficult, and I can't understand what it's like from her point of view. If Alice is telling me that she &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; want to quit smoking, I don't feel it's fair for me to &quot;tell&quot; her otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I express my feelings about Alice's (seeming lack of) progress to her in a supportive way that doesn't downplay how much this situation worries/bothers me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2019-12-30T03:39:03.087" LastActivityDate="2020-01-01T07:31:11.997" Title="How can I express disappointment while still being supportive of partner quitting smoking?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;smoking-vaping&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7670" CreationDate="2017-12-05T19:21:49.680" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two possible underlying truths:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she is flirting with you (but might not even know it, and certainly might not be willing to say it)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she is not flirting with you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have identified two ways of discovering the truth:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;describe the situation to your partner and then ask if that is flirting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with the first approach is that she might lie and say no even if she was, or she might say no because she didn't realize she was. Or she really might not have been flirting and might be really offended (perhaps to the point of quitting her job) that you asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with the second approach is that your partner is unlikely to be able to tell from your descriptions. I discount the &quot;my partner might be angry to think someone is interested in me&quot; reason, since if you were to discover for sure that this person &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; flirting with you the &lt;strong&gt;first&lt;/strong&gt; thing you're going to want to do is tell your partner. But anyway, asking your partner just doesn't seem practical since you're the only one who witnessed it and your descriptions are going to be coloured by your interpretations of what you saw and heard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I am going to suggest a third way, which I think is safest since it avoids:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;giving this person reason to believe you want to be flirted with&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;turning someone's workplace into a place you think flirting might happen&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;discussing with your partner how people behave when she's not around&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assume she was flirting. Avoid interacting with her if you don't need to. So if you're having a cup of coffee in her workplace as part of visiting your family member, don't pull up a chair and chitchat with her as part of your own break. Return to &quot;we've never had a real conversation&quot; status and stay there. Don't avoid her, just do whatever you did before that kept the two of you from talking much. Since your partner normally accompanies you, keep doing that since it's normal. And when your partner doesn't accompany you, stay away from Emma or even be a little stiff and formal. If you need to say something like &quot;it appears there is no milk in the fridge,&quot; then do that, but nothing chatty and warm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worst case is that someone who is not your friend will be reminded they are not your friend. But if Emma had intentions on you, behaving like this will stop them. If she didn't, and was just enjoying a weekend chat with a new person, she may be momentarily disappointed, but it won't really mean anything to her because she hadn't set her cap for you, as it were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T19:21:49.680" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7676" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7673" CreationDate="2017-12-05T19:43:55.153" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;I should probably start off this answer by admitting that I'm a smoker. I've quit and started again more times than I can count over the years, it's honestly one of the hardest addictions to break. Trust me on that, I know...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as being supportive of someone who's trying to kick an addiction, often the best thing you can do is celebrate their successes, while trying not to punish their failures. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cutting down to a couple cigarettes a day/week is a huge step in the right direction, try to focus on that. Cutting out those last couple cigarettes is much harder than it looks from the outside and once someone is completely nicotine free, staying that way can be exceptionally hard. Cigarettes get you on a psychological level like few other addictions can...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you really want to offer support. Do just that. Offer to be someone they can call when they feel like lighting up. Someone who they can talk to about how they're feeling and why they want to smoke just then, who isn't going to scold or judge, but who's going to encourage them to do the right thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of helpful support tricks:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you're really struggling right now, can you not smoke for 15 minutes? Just put it off for 15 minutes, if you still need a smoke after 15 minutes call me back and if it's really bad you can smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Delaying the gratification like this can help someone push through momentary temptations. Like when driving, or after a meal, sometimes just waiting a few minutes is all it takes for the impulse to pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How about instead of smoking when you're stressed you hit me up and talk to me about what's bugging you? Or just step outside for a non-smoke break and get a little fresh air.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the huge things about being a smoker is the mental breaks it allows you throughout the day. Every few hours, or less, a smoker steps away from the world to smoke. Learning that it's still OK to do that without smoking will help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T19:43:55.153" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7677" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7691" CreationDate="2017-12-05T20:05:53.213" Score="6" ViewCount="4823" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been dating my girlfriend for 4 years officially (but we've been dating for 6 years). I'm upset that she prefers to spend Christmas with her own family rather than with me and my family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It bothers me that she prefers her family rather than me. I don't care about Christmas, but about the value people give to Christmas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend lives with her family and is going to travel to Grandma's house that reunites her whole family, her family is very big.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In previous years she has spent the holiday with her family. She invited me, but I do not know if it was education.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She said: &quot;I think it's important to spend that date with the family.&quot; &quot;You can go with me, if you want&quot; &quot;But your mother was going to be sad.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I explain that I'm upset that my girlfriend prefers to stay with her family at Christmas rather than with me and my family?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9918" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T20:41:33.357" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T04:42:26.410" Title="How to explain that you're upset that your girlfriend prefers to stay with her family at Christmas?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7661" CreationDate="2017-12-05T21:46:05.900" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've made it pretty clear that you want to avoid alienating your brother from telling you these things in the future. To do so, focus on delivering a clear and concise message by getting your point across in a few sentences.  You do not want to prepare a speech, because repeating information your brother already knows is likely to make you sound like a pseudo-parent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could casually mention some 'tips' for taking care of himself and gauging what he already knows by saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dude (however you address him), if you ever drink more than that, you want to make sure you drink water before you fall asleep or you'll feel like crap in the morning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you drink more than that, do you make sure to drink water before you go to bed so you don't feel like crap the next day?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you throw out casual tips, this earns his trust because you're sharing experienced advice with him (&lt;em&gt;even if you don't drink much/often, it shows that you must still be knowledgeable enough to approach about it&lt;/em&gt;). Best of all, it opens the door for him to come to you if he ever finds himself in need of advice or help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it's still probably important to tell him directly something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey/Also, now that I know you sometimes drink at parties, I just want to say that I'll always come get you if you need a ride. I'm never going to rat you out to Mom/Dad, but I do want to make sure you get home safe if you ever drink more than just a of couple beers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm from the United States, but I've found that many of my friends parents who told them to &quot;just call&quot; regardless of if they felt they'd get in trouble, were much more likely to utilize them as a resource than those who didn't have that type of support. Telling your brother that you aren't going to get him in trouble, but you're just looking out for him, is a solid approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T21:46:05.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7681" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7677" CreationDate="2017-12-05T22:23:23.870" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to struggle with this issue quite a bit when I was married. We usually ended up going to 3 or 4 Christmas functions every year to appease the various branches of our families. It was exhausting to put it lightly...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend trying to find some sort of compromise, like spending Christmas Eve with your family and Christmas day with her's or alternating between families each year. Some couples here in the US, spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other when  travel time is a factor... Simply explaining that you're upset about the situation doesn't really solve the problem, but proposing an actual solution might.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships are about compromise, where you two spend the holidays is going to be one of those compromises if you want to spend them together. Be prepared to lose this one and get the next one, relationships are like that too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-12-05T22:29:52.707" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T22:29:52.707" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7682" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-05T22:27:14.860" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you've always had disposable income --if you've never experienced real poverty, or at least seen it up close --&lt;strong&gt;it may be difficult for you to put yourself in your girlfriend's place&lt;/strong&gt;.  I'm guessing her parents aren't asking for money for luxury goods and fancy trips, but to help with basic subsistence.  If that's the case, she may be dealing with a lot of guilt about how well she is living in comparison to them (or other friends and family members at home).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be absolutely honest, if I were her, your purchase, no matter how well-meant, would set off alarm bells, because &lt;strong&gt;it's such a lot of money for something so ephemeral&lt;/strong&gt;.  She may be questioning your priorities, and maybe even your values.  She might also be thinking ahead to when you might have a family together and might need to plan your budgets more carefully.  She may also feel she needs to be more guarded about what she says so you don't think she's asking you for things.  If I were you, I would try to help her understand that this wasn't just a careless impulse purchase, but an honest attempt to make her happy by paying attention to her wants.  But until you have a better handle on what those really are, I would cut out the surprise gifts and make sure you make those kinds of decisions together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound very negative, but actually I think there is a lot of positive things here.  As someone else mentioned, you are fortunate to have a girlfriend who is not a gold-digger and who seems to care about you for you.  And her frugal habits may help you in years to come.  &lt;strong&gt;Especially when you are the bread-winner it is nice to not have to also be the person who puts the brakes on the household spending.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T22:27:14.860" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7661" CreationDate="2017-12-05T22:32:24.550" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, you need to figure out what you are specifically concerned about.  There are a few things you mention in the question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Legality&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rules set by parents&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Safety issues&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be other things to consider: health, behavior (e.g. sex).  Do you care about the law?  You weren't subject to this law and I'm going to guess, having been a 16 year-old male, that he and his friends see this as a inherently unfair thing that has happened to their generation.  In the US the drinking age is 21 and an &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/fact-sheets/underage-drinking.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;overwhelming proportion of the population engages in underage drinking&lt;/a&gt;.  Unfortunately, when the age limit on the drinking age is increased, the activity does not stop.  Instead, it becomes more alluring as a badge of maturity and is driven underground such that there are no responsible adults around to manage and moderate the behavior of inexperienced drinkers.  In other words, there's a distinct possibility that the drinking behavior of young in your country will become more irresponsible and dangerous than what you grew up with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you care about your parent's rules around this?  He knows that's their rule so do you think reiterating it will make a difference?  I would avoid this line of disucssion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that your real concern is about safety.  Giving him the privilege to have you pick him up any time is a great plan.  I would even offer to get him some coffee and sober up if needed.  I would also have a very frank talk about sex and drinking.  This is something a big brother or big sister can do in a way that your parents never can.  Talk protection (pregnancy and disease) as well as respecting women (assuming he is straight) and how to be a decent guy to them; especially when they are drunk.  Make sure he understands your requirement of him that he survive this part of his life unscathed.  Bad things can happen in these situations, as you know.  This is where you should focus your efforts.  The other issues are of little relative importance.  It might be worth getting some details about someone who died or was maimed or ended up in serious legal trouble so he has a concept of what to avoid and how quickly things can spiral out of control.  You won't be able to prevent him from drinking.  All you can do is educate him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1982" LastEditorDisplayName="user1982" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T16:10:14.677" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T16:10:14.677" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7670" CreationDate="2017-12-05T23:12:14.870" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem is that being comfortable around you and being flirtatious aren't really different until one starts thinking about it too much.  Sort of like a Schrödinger's cat situation: by trying to categorize it, you create the categories in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, one option is to never categorize it until you feel bothered.  For one thing that may be a bit of a non-option with a jealous girlfriend: the dynamics then lean towards her considering it flirtation, and you then decide that it isn't.  Poor cat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For another, you are already bothered.  The problem is that if you are bothered on behalf of your girlfriend's reaction rather than that of yourself, expressing that puts you on the defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simplest way to leave the cat in the bag is not to react in particular and avoid seeking out similar situations in future.  That should either calm down things or at least put you on reasonably stable footing you can defend towards both your friend and your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things may or may not be likely to escalate otherwise but there is no necessity to know.  You want to be dealing with potentially stressful situations from a position &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are comfortable being in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9930" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T23:12:14.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7673" CreationDate="2017-12-05T23:19:49.690" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Has Alice asked you for help giving up? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can identify quite strongly with Alice here. &#xA;Like Alice I’m quite anxiety prone. I gave up smoking some years ago, a short while after I started a relationship. I knew he didn’t like smoking (loss of partner to cancer) and I wanted to stop anyway. He knew I was a smoker when we met, but I never smoked in front of him and he never asked if I was still smoking. &#xA;I didn’t kid myself that he didn’t know, the slightest smoke molecule on your clothes, hair or skin smells like an ashtray to a non-smoker. He knew but said zip and Zi got on with giving up in my own time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he’d expressed concern or offered encouragement I would have felt monitored, judged and massively de-motivated, probably resentful. We’d almost certainly have rowed about it, it would have been a huge messy deal and we’d probably not have lasted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my take is that you have to consider how likely Alice is to succeed within a timescale you can live with. Think about whether you are okay with the fact that Alice and only Alice is in control if this and that you can’t speed things up from the outside, no matter how much of your desire to do so springs from concern for Alice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Help if she asks, don’t if she doesn’t. Decide if you can be with the person she is rather than the person she’d be if she wasn’t a smoker. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2017-12-05T23:19:49.690" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7677" CreationDate="2017-12-05T23:41:03.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This scenario has already played out several times.  If she doesn't understand that this upsets you, perhaps you do not share your feelings sufficiently to reliably sustain a long-term relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &quot;don't care about Christmas&quot; itself, it remains unclear what has stopped you from spending one or more of them with &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; family.  (At least since she first invited you - which surely shows that you are important enough to her that she will share this otherwise-exclusive part of her life with you.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She shows concern for your mother's happiness, at least with regard to Christmas; is she correct that your mother would be sad under those circumstances?  How do you think her mother (or other family members) would feel about her spending Christmas away from them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you cannot (or will not) let Christmas continue to be about your original families ... well, you haven't provided any excuses for not telling her exactly what you've already told us.  If you feel that you can't tell her any of this without more of an explanation, then you should either provide &lt;em&gt;us&lt;/em&gt; with more of an explanation, or talk this over with someone who already understands your feelings better than we do (perhaps your mother?) ... the real difficulty here is that, ideally (and perhaps, as indicated in comments, dependent on where exactly you are), your partner is generally the one person with whom it is expected you could have this sort of conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9477" LastEditorUserId="9477" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T08:15:39.100" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T08:15:39.100" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7689" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7692" CreationDate="2017-12-05T23:59:09.933" Score="5" ViewCount="607" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My 13-year-old brother suffers from depression that has lead to anger issues. He also hangs out with the wrong crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prior to and leading up to his birthday he kept insisting that he really wanted item X and was very excited about it.  He very carefully told my parents exactly what he wanted and provided a link to the exact product well before his birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to the day of his birthday, he unwraps item X and immediately recognizes that it is indeed not what he wanted - instead being a very similar item that has a few very obvious missing parts at which point he throws the item on the ground and runs out the room crying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad had looked up X on Amazon and found the clickbait &amp;quot;NEW! 2018 Model&amp;quot; of X (no such genuine product exists) at a cheaper price so bought it instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I now feel bad both because I knew more than most people about how much X meant to him and because I know that issues like this are tearing my parents apart.  How can I sympathize and support my brother about X while supporting with my dad in him trying to reprimand my brother about throwing a fit about a &amp;quot;newly received gift&amp;quot; without them both being angry at me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9935" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T16:07:06.990" Title="How to deal with conflict when I agree with and sympathize with both parties" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7689" CreationDate="2017-12-06T00:44:33.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There isn't a &quot;right&quot; or &quot;wrong&quot; side here, except that your parents kind of messed up by not following instructions for whatever reason.  If it's not an expensive gift and they have the means to pay for the proper one, that sends a message that your brother will receive about not feeling valued.  From his perspective, he told your parents not only exactly what he wanted but how to get it - and they did that wrong.  Of course, from your parents' perspective, they thought they were doing even better.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd first of all get rid of the idea of &quot;siding with&quot; anyone.  If you do that, the other party will see that and most likely reject what you are trying to do.  What you want to do is support both parties as well as possibly mediate.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step, I think, is to help your parents understand that they were trying to do the right thing, but took a step they shouldn't have.  Yes, they thought they were getting him a new model, but it wasn't what your brother asked for.  If he's depressed and has other issues, having your parents make the first step here would be beneficial.  I recommend that they apologize for getting the gift wrong.  Most likely they won't be able to send it back, especially if it got broken from being thrown down, so that's money lost.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't do much about your brother's medical issues so I won't try to advise on that.  That's a job for a paid professional therapist, not some stranger on the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT your brother: he should understand that your parents really tried to do the right thing and just didn't do things right.  This is where it will take some gentleness from you.  I'd suggest talking with him and lay it out; &quot;Mom and Dad really tried.  They know how much this meant to you and they thought they were getting you a newer model of the gift. They really feel bad about the whole thing&quot;. Your brother sounds hurt; I'm assuming that he has a good relationship with your parents.  If he doesn't, then this will be harder.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once he understands that Mom and Dad feel bad about the mix-up, the next step is to get him to realize that his actions caused them some pain as well.  If he can, he should then apologize to your folks for his actions and acknowledge that they did their best and things didn't work out as he hoped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's one lesson here that I as a parent teach my kids over and over again: life is full of disappointments and my kids need to be able to withstand them and understand what happened. Right now isn't the right time to bring that lesson home, but after things calm down and people's heads have cooled down, it may be time to have your parents help him understand that.  That doesn't mean &quot;aim low&quot; and &quot;settle&quot; but it does mean that sometimes, even with the best intentions, the results aren't always what was desired and we need to be able to understand that and work through it.  Being able to withstand this will help him be a more well-adjusted individual.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T00:51:41.413" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T00:51:41.413" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7677" CreationDate="2017-12-06T02:30:53.123" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;She has told you that she thinks it's important to spend this holiday with family.  She spends it with hers, and according to what you wrote, you spend it with yours.  You're both &quot;covered&quot;, according to her stated principle, and it's balanced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From her perspective, you're suggesting that she give up spending time with her extended family, which is important to her, when you are not giving up time with &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; family, which she thinks should be important.  She likely sees your request as moving the needle from &quot;neutral&quot; to your preference and away from hers.  Especially since her family is gathering from (apparently) diverse locations; this isn't just going to the parents' house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being in a relationship means that sometimes the needle will be moved toward the other person, and sometimes not.  So the fact that your request moves the needle isn't the problem by itself.  The problem is that you apparently haven't provided offsetting motivation or taken into account the special circumstances (that larger gathering).  In fact, you've told us (and maybe told her?) that you don't think it's important, and yet -- from her perspective -- you want to disrupt her family's holiday.  If, on the other hand, you were suggesting that the two of you spend the holiday together (with neither family), or if you proposed hosting both families, that would be neutral in a way that &quot;skip one family, go to the other&quot; isn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to persuade her, you need to take all this into account and show her that you're thinking about &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of your needs, not just your own.  Maybe having her join you with your family is important to you (or your family) as a way of integrating her into your clan; if so, that would be important to say.  (You should, of course, then be receptive if that's why she wants you to join her on family visits.)  Or maybe &lt;em&gt;this holiday in particular&lt;/em&gt; is important to you for some reason that you will explain, &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; you'd be happy to join her and her family for some other major holiday that seems to matter to her.  (It has to actually matter to her; don't try to make up a new tradition that her family doesn't value.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that her family seems to have a big gathering planned already, you will probably have more long-term harmony if you don't try to change &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; one but instead talk with her about how to balance your conflicting holiday desires in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T02:30:53.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7689" CreationDate="2017-12-06T02:35:43.430" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited to address the edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I sympathize and support my brother about X while supporting with my dad in him trying to reprimand my brother about throwing a fit about a &quot;newly received gift&quot; without them both being angry at me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I see it, your brother didn't throw a fit about a &quot;newly received gift&quot;. If your brother didn't know what he was getting and acted the way he did, it would be as you say. But it's much more complicated than that. Your brother threw a fit because, once again, his express wishes were ignored. That's very, very different. It's not a fine line. It's a big red flag for your dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer doesn't change otherwise. It's not your job to support your dad's opinions, especially if they entail the hurt of someone you love.  It's &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; job to shape the values of his children. Say he had a fight with your mom. Would he be right if he demanded you support him in his actions and was hurt when you (rightly) refused to get involved?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In love, you console and support what is supportable for both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need a more specific answer (a sample dialog), leave a comment and I'll edit further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As @baldPrussian said, please frame it differently in your mind than &quot;taking sides&quot;. Taking sides implies being against one party. There's a difference between being against someone and being disappointed in something they've done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I read your question, I was disappointed in your father's choice. A better course to take, since the present wasn't going to be a surprise anyway, would have been to ask your brother if &quot;this new version&quot; would be even more desirable than what he asked for. But he didn't do that. You say he has often disappointed your brother in a similar fashion before. That's unfortunate, and it hurts your brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your brother was deeply disappointed. I don't blame him. I don't even condemn the way he reacted if this is something that happens often. How is a depressed 13 year old who has placed in your parents' hands some hope for feeling good about something only to have it dashed supposed to act? He could have handled it better, but he didn't, and that probably hurt your father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's sad for both of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I sympathize and side with my brother about X while siding with my dad in him trying to reprimand my brother about throwing a fit about a &quot;newly received gift&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How about changing the scenario to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I be supportive of both my father and my brother?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be consoling, not condemning. Console your brother because you understand better than most how sad he is. Console your dad in that he thought he was doing the right thing. But if your dad demands of you to agree with his criticism of your brother, tell him that's not your job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the job of the parents to help guide the child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope your family is involved in family therapy. If they aren't, you might suggest it, or talk to your school guidance counselor to seek a way to advance this issue. I wish you all the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T16:07:06.990" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T16:07:06.990" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7649" CreationDate="2017-12-06T05:02:53.877" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should really contact the Online Dating service your mother is using to let them know your mother has been/is being catfished by folk she met on their site. Reputable sites WANT TO KNOW about these predators.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she's been scammed more than once, she could be on some kind of scam 'cyber list' and folk may start contacting her.  These perps can be very sophisticated and manipulative in this crime.  They are stalkers.  Please be thoughtful of this when helping your mom get out of this drama.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This type of thing could isolate your mom, because she may begin to think people think she's crazy to fall tor this.  Try not judge her too harshly no matter how frustrated you may feel.  Maybe your mother needs to feel needed.  Maybe she needs to feel like she's in control of a relationship.  I agree with you about getting her counselling.  It may help her understand exactly why she's having these phantom relationships -- what is it about these 'relationships' that ties her to them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9941" LastEditorUserId="9941" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T05:39:38.230" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T05:39:38.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-06T09:18:23.350" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have plenty of good advice here. I will just add two data points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been in this situation - my girlfriend was from a poor family while I did not have any financial problems (I live frugally, but this is a choice).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we were going out, I was always the one who was paying and I knew she would be uncomfortable with this (but one still has to eat and when we were young a McDonalds was simpler/faster than to cook at home - good times).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She mentioned that, and I just told her that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have more money than she has so this is normal for me to pay&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if the roles were inversed then she would be paying OF COURSE (I emphasised the &quot;of course&quot; in a silly way)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have to eat and when I am hungry I cannot think so we have to eat NOW.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was always trying to add some humor in this to deflect the money part. She also knew that I did not care about money (it is good to have some but then it is not my life goal either), so that part was not a reference in our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She got used to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Data point number two: I receive presents from relatives which are poor and I hate that - because I literally do not need anything material, just the fact that I spend time wth them. I told them this once very clearly - stating that I do not want any presents from them &lt;strong&gt;except that particular [whatever cheap, a cake or something] which I love&lt;/strong&gt;. I then had this cake forever but this deflected the money part as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T09:18:23.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7696" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-06T10:54:46.957" Score="5" ViewCount="760" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not Japanese but I usually speak in Japanese with everyone, because it is the language I use all day long at work (I live in Japan).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the register of a convenience store in Tokyo downtown, I usually say a few words like カードでお願いします (&lt;em&gt;by card please&lt;/em&gt;) or 袋なしでお願いします (&lt;em&gt;no plastic bag please&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What language should I use when the clerk does not &quot;look&quot; Japanese?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastEditorUserId="129" LastEditDate="2019-06-11T02:56:07.573" LastActivityDate="2019-06-11T02:56:07.573" Title="Should I speak in Japanese or English to the &quot;foreign-looking&quot; kombini employee?" Tags="&lt;language&gt;&lt;japan&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;&lt;shopping&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-02-19T12:43:10.930" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7696" CreationDate="2017-12-06T10:54:46.957" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;My current strategy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If possible, wait for the clerk to talk first, and use that language (ignoring the いらっしゃいませ salutation that they use anytime the door opens).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I need to talk first, use Japanese.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only switch to English if necessary to safely/efficiently perform the transaction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pros:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not all Japanese people have the same look. Some of my friends who are black (or caucasian) were born and raised in Japan, and naturally their native tongue is Japanese.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even if not Japanese, not all non-Japanese people speak English. Kombini clerks are often Japanese language majors from non-English speaking countries.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even if they are actually foreigners from a English-speaking country (or with good English abilities), they &lt;a href=&quot;http://zoomingjapan.com/life-in-japan/speaking-japanese/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;might&lt;/a&gt; find it tiring to be treated as if they were not able to do their job.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They might actually prefer talking in English.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Speaking to them in Japanese &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be felt as cold. If the clerk is actually a foreigner, we share some common challenges and a tiny bit of bonding would not be unwelcome. In addition, the Japanese language by itself places a great distance between clerk and customer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T10:54:46.957" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7698" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7708" CreationDate="2017-12-06T11:11:45.987" Score="40" ViewCount="11235" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently shared a blog post I had written to a relevant subreddit. I've posted to this subreddit a few times and got good responses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My most recent post had a response on it when I checked it in the morning (I usually post just before I go to sleep) that insinuated I had engaged in some kind of vote manipulation due to how well the post had been performing in terms of upvotes and the lack of any other comments at the time of their comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The post has since received more comments that are responses to the actual blog post. However, the accusatory comment has received some amount of support and is the second most upvoted comment (which means it will feature fairly prominently when people view the reddit comments), beating out relevant comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found it unfortunate that this comment would be waiting there for all the other people who came to comment on the post so I wanted to respond to it .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem I had was that I can't prove that I didn't engage in vote manipulation. It would benefit me to do so as it would get more people looking at my post and aware of who I am (or so the hypothetical reasoning could go). Additionally, if I tried to defend myself against the claim I would only make myself seem more suspicious. I also don't want to leave the comment unanswered as I believe it gives the wrong idea about not only my character, but also the quality of the blog post I shared (since I didn't do any vote manipulation it would appear that it is doing well on its own merits!). &lt;strong&gt;So how could I respond to such an unfalsifiable claim without seeming suspiciously defensive and maintaining a good face?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that there aren't any ads on my blog site and the content is all free. I was also surprised at how well the post performed, most of my other posts didn't do quite so well so I can understand it looking like a suspicious outlier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9962" LastEditorUserId="9962" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T11:38:23.907" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T04:44:59.687" Title="How to respond to an unfalsifiable accusation?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7699" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7807" CreationDate="2017-12-06T11:20:21.987" Score="5" ViewCount="962" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Summary&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A housemate of mine is doing something to my property which I don't like. Please help me in finding a solution towards the greater issue of solving housemate disputes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some mornings, a housemate of mine likes to prepare smoothies in her blender. Next to her blender are my coffee grinder and filter coffee machine. I've never seen her use it, as I'm normally in my room at the time, but I can &lt;em&gt;hear&lt;/em&gt; it being used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I've heard it being used, when I walk into the kitchen, I'll find that my coffee grinder is on top of my filter coffee machine. I imagine that she needs the space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Objectives&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to make sure that my coffee grinder is put back in place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to find out why my coffee grinder is being put where it is. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Reasons&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I expect my things to be put back where they live.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Less importantly, the coffee grinder might be knocked off the coffee machine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Solution&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently got extremely angry with this housemate after being woken up by a string of washing machine runs in the middle of the night, and a final one very early in the morning. I later found out that some other housemates participated in this. The issue was resolved, but a lot of stressful consequences followed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to think about how to solve similar housemate issues instead in an amicable, calm, but stern way without creating new issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Questions&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is my objective reasonable?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reason 2. is less important. In that light, should I mention it? My objective would still be fulfilled, but she would be able to think that it was just from my worry of it falling, and not telling her to change her ways.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What questions could I ask, and what should I state?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9959" LastEditorDisplayName="user9959" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T11:34:12.803" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T17:42:06.950" Title="How can I ask my housemate to put my things back?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7700" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7673" CreationDate="2017-12-06T11:22:12.667" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Smoking IS harmful to health, and that is an indisputable fact. Associating with a smoker in the long term is also harmful to &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your dilemma springs from your relationship with her, not your general dislike of smoking. You don't stop random smokers in the street and tell them not to smoke - this is only an issue because you care about the girl, so I believe you should focus on how it makes you feel and how it impacts your relationship. Likely she has heard all the smoking cessation arguments before and they don't appear to have helped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have stated that you can't see yourself in a long term relationship with someone who smokes - so you need to ask yourself - &lt;em&gt;are you prepared to end the relationship if she is unable to quit smoking&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer to the above question is &lt;em&gt;yes&lt;/em&gt; then you should explain the situation again, restate your position and give her a reasonable time period in which to quit. Repeat your offer of assistance because you really want to help her quit, but stick to your ultimatum. Your health is at stake. If she doesn't quit or make reasonable progress towards it, end the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer to the above question is &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; then any such ultimatum would be a bluff. You'd &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; her to quit but if you are not prepared to end the relationship you need to face up to the fact she could smoke all her life, or spend a lifetime trying (and failing) to quit because nobody was tough enough to show her the consequences beyond the obvious health effects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Electronic cigarettes have been suggested in previous answers - these have found to be safer than smoking, but it is important to note that e-cigs (or vaping) are a smoking &lt;em&gt;sensation&lt;/em&gt; device, &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; a smoking &lt;em&gt;cessation&lt;/em&gt; device. In plain English: they make you feel like you are smoking and feed your addiction, they don't stop your nicotine addiction. While it is true that some people have switched to 'vaping' and are healthier as a result, you have to ask yourself what would happen if a 'vaper' was on a night out and they left their e-cig at home, or ran out of liquid. They'd ask someone for a cigarette, because they are still addicted. I just thought I would address this because this girl sounds like she needs to face up to the addiction problem, not avoid it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good news seems to be that she has quit before - or she says she has. If that is true then she can do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T11:22:12.667" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7698" CreationDate="2017-12-06T11:31:21.347" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Spend enough time on the internet and someone will accuse you of something, however unfounded. Whoever wrote the comment seems unaware that posts on any site - even Reddit - can have several votes but few or no comments. Even on YouTube, there will be differences between how many people like/dislike a video and the number of comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the accuser has no proof or constructive criticism of your actual post, many will simply gloss over it. Anyone genuinely suspicious can look at your other posts and see that there is little to be concerned over. You say that the post has since gotten a number of more relevant comments? I would not respond to the accuser; his comment will inevitably be washed out by more relevant ones. Any response aimed directly at the person may encourage them to (try to) antagonise you further. Don't let it get you down!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T11:31:21.347" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7699" CreationDate="2017-12-06T11:41:30.933" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This IS annoying!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that reason 2 (the coffee grinder might be knocked off the coffee machine) is less important, but really this is the principle that underpins reason 1 (you expect your things to be put back in their place).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is your house, then your house rules apply and you shouldn't have to justify them. If that is where your coffee grinder 'lives', then that is where it lives. But if it is a shared residence and you are sharing the food preparation area then arguably you don't own the space where you have decided the grinder 'lives' and your request could sound petty. I think you need to hold onto reason 2 because it justifies your first reason. Also, if the grinder is going to fall off the coffee machine and break it is far more likely to happen while she's using the smoothie maker with the work surface vibrating than when she's finished and left it sitting up there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should approach her and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I've noticed that when you use your smoothie maker you put my&#xA;  coffee grinder on top of the coffee machine. I don't think that is&#xA;  safe, it could fall off and break. If you need the space for&#xA;  preparation is there somewhere safer you could move it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Agree on somewhere safer and then say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That sounds fine, so long as you can put it back afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you meet some argument, just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well if it breaks, I can't afford to replace it. Are you willing to&#xA;  pay for it if it breaks?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can break a rule, but you can't break a principle. She can argue over the placement of the item, but she can't really argue that it &lt;em&gt;couldn't&lt;/em&gt; fall off, because it is possible that it could.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T11:46:45.293" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T11:46:45.293" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7661" CreationDate="2017-12-06T11:56:26.303" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since no other answer touched the most important part (in my opinion) of this question , I will give it a shot:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He was drunk (or not sober) driving&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if it is just a bike in many countries there are very strict laws regarding this (for example in Austria the police can take away your driving license when they catch you drunk on a bike).&#xA;Also insurance will most likely not pay if there is an accident etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally think having a few beers at a party with 16 is not a big problem. &#xA;On the other hand it is totaly not okay to endanger others while driving drunk.&#xA;You should make this totally clear. Tell him he should have walked home or if it is too far for him - he should have stayed sober.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise I dont think there is much you can do, except beeing a good/responsible example (you would be suprised how much younger siblings follow your example, even if they would never admit it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9967" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T11:56:26.303" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7509" CreationDate="2017-12-06T12:22:42.540" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I found sudowoodo's answer a bit defensive and oppositional, although I can get where she's coming from.  I would go for something that doesn't put gender politics into it (but maybe that's because I'm a man).  So I'd prefer something like     &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because we both have lives and interests of our own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I can't say I've ever had your experience.  I have to ask my wife if she's encountered that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You specified you wanted to shut down the conversation.  If you find yourself willing to teach your interrogator, I'd go with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you ask?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I'd like to know.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9970" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T12:22:42.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7705" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7698" CreationDate="2017-12-06T13:09:07.430" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best defense is typically to display an openness for resolving potential issues where possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest directing the user to the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/help/contentpolicy/#section_prohibited_behavior&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Reddit rules&lt;/a&gt; on the matter and stating that if they believe that any form of vote manipulation has taken place they should report your post - Just as they should with any other post. This would show to others that it's a baseless assumption as your post is still up and inform users of the correct process to report vote manipulation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to write something different avoid negations such as &quot;I haven't engaged in vote manipulation&quot; and focus instead on &quot;I put a lot of work in the post and apparently more people found it interesting&quot;. In other words, focus on what you actually have done and what actually has happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the record you might be interested in the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Probatio_diabolica&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Devil's Proof&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evidence_of_absence&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Evidence of Absence&lt;/a&gt; as they are related to how it's impossible for you to prove that no vote manipulation took place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4022" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T13:09:07.430" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7661" CreationDate="2017-12-06T13:19:00.053" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Ask yourself why you feel the need to do anything?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You admit to drinking at the same age he is now, so why do you care that he does what you did? Did you have a bad experience? Do you think he's at risk of something awful? Personally, I'd simply let it slide. Loads of people in every country with a legal drinking age drink under age. For the majority there is no negative effect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Talk to him about your own experiences&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if you still want to go ahead, talk to him about your own experiences. What have you done when you've been drunk that you regret? What did you see other people do? Tell him honestly about it. He is more likely to respect your experiences than you repeating information he already gets from authority figures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="356" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T13:19:00.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7707" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-06T13:56:45.410" Score="40" ViewCount="13946" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am frequently working with a colleague who is a little bit junior to me (but not particularly &amp;quot;fresh&amp;quot; - he has been in the company for over 10 years in a lead developer/expert role for some other software). He is relatively new in our team, with me as his primary coach, so I, by definition, know much more about our particular project/software, but that's about it - apart from that he's as mature as one could ask for. I never was his disciplinary boss, and am not a formal team-lead or project-lead in that particular project (I am one of the two most senior persons involved, by time and knowledge).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has, in the past year, really gotten into the project and proven his capabilities more than once; implementing new components in a very self-sufficient-while-team-oriented way, communicating directly with customers, and being overall very commendable. He gets positive feedback from everybody around him, all the time, including the product owner and all relevant stakeholders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is very methodical in his approach to everything; he will double-check shell command lines before hitting enter; double-check lines of code before saving/compiling; and he noticably thinks before talking. This is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; obnoxiously slow, it is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; annoying, it does not come across as being &amp;quot;stupid&amp;quot;, but I suspect he thinks it is/does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will do his utmost to find information or solve problems on his own, but will call me when he cannot. Our typical conversations (usually by phone, as we are in separate cities) go like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: I am sorry, I have to annoy you again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: No problem, what can I do for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... we work on some issue ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them &lt;em&gt;(while typing)&lt;/em&gt;: Sorry, this will surely annoy you hugely, I am sooo slow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: No problem, it's fine...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them &lt;em&gt;(while learning something new, which he cannot possibly know)&lt;/em&gt;: I am so sorry that you have to waste so much time on me...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: No problem, I like sharing know-how...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so on and so forth. At every step, he will complain how slow/annoying he is, and how sorry he is for annoying me, and that he doesn't know things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing of what he complains about does in fact annoy me. I am very glad that he is here, he has (together with other new colleagues who joined the team at the same time, and whom he has worked together for many years) taken a large part of work away from me that was overwhelming me before. We are all very easy with each other, there is mutual consent about almost everything. I would rather have him call more often than less often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the parts of the software which he has inherited from me, he has taken on full responsibility, but he has also gotten complete freedom to do as he like within our coding guidelines; he has constant access to me and other team colleagues for peer reviews, help, information about historic areas of the code and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have, in the past flat out told him that nothing of what he does annoys me, that he is doing great (which he measurably is); I have explicitely voiced that I do not expect him to magically know things about our software or infrastructure that he cannot know, and that I'd rather have him ask me than try to find something in the sparse documentation. It is true that I am typing and coding &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; fast in comparison with him because I know every nook and cranny of that software environment; but I certainly have not rubbed it in, and concerning the actual results he is not in any way slower than other people. Any typing speed issues are masked by slow Webex/Skype connections anyways. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has been this way from day 0; it's one of the first things I noticed about him (not only towards me, but also others, including colleagues from his old team).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, he has voiced doubts about being in the right spot because he seems to be so slow. It would be a nightmare for me if he quit the team - he does a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of good work, everybody is happy with him, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have suggestions how I could behave, what I could say or do to make it easier for him? I would love if he would be confident in his role. Obviously, stating objective facts (like &amp;quot;you used X hours for feature Y; I needed the same time for a comparably difficult feature Z - you are as fast as me&amp;quot;) or pointing out the happy customer/colleagues does not do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T18:27:19.850" Title="Colleague thinks that he is too slow" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7698" CreationDate="2017-12-06T14:06:42.973" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Note that there aren't any ads on my blog site and the content is all free. I was also surprised at how well the post performed, most of my other posts didn't do quite so well [...].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would respond with a variation on this! It's honest, and you can point to your past posting history to show that 1) at least you weren't doing it before, and 2) you're engaged with the community and not just spamming your blog. You can also point out that there's no benefit to you other than the satisfaction of sharing something you found interesting with others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was just as surprised as you to see how well this has done! I've posted here before but for whatever reason this one really blew up. I don't get any revenue from my site, I just like to contribute to the community and have interesting discussions about this topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(change the wording for whatever makes sense for your post, obviously)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it light and positive in tone, as if the other guy just made an honest mistake. Other users will pick up if you're overly defensive or attack the commenter, which will be polarizing and make them less likely to upvote your comment. You know you can't prove him wrong (even if he is), so instead try to win him over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't point out the rules in this response, personally, because that could escalate the situation. (I've noticed users tend to heavily downvote comments like &quot;but you're not following reddiquette!&quot;...) However, if they respond again to insist you must be lying, then it would be appropriate to tell them to take it up with the mods since there's no point repeating yourself and getting into a comment war.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T14:06:42.973" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7709" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2017-12-06T14:08:53.613" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Joe, you are not slow, you are meticulous and this is not  a race.  I much rather prefer someone who does it right the first time.  You do good work here and you need to stop second guessing yourself.  Let's make a deal.  If I'm not happy with your work, I'll tell you before it becomes a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This both addresses his fears and redirects them.  This is both being assertive instead of being placating, and negotiating a &quot;deal&quot; with him.  You are treating him like an adult and bringing up the level of discourse to one of problem solving.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he persists, you can put the focus on the real problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Joe, it's not your speed, but your lack of confidence and openly denigrating your skills that's the problem.  If you are worried about your value to the team, address that issue.  I'll let you know if there's any problem with your performance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this demonstrates assertiveness on your part without aggression, and again negotiating instead of dictating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T14:41:42.910" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T14:41:42.910" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2017-12-06T14:13:20.633" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you see appears to be a pretty strong manifestation of the corollary of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dunning-Kruger effect&lt;/a&gt;.  I'd first suggest making him aware of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's probably also a low self-image going on there as well, just to make matters more interesting.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest sitting him down and dealing with the elephant in the room.  He feels it's not a right fit - why is it not a right fit?  Is it because he feels like he's not keeping up?  why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A large part of productivity in IT is how much GOOD (with a strong emphasis on good) work you do.  Sure, I could personally write hundreds of lines of code in an hour.  If, however, I don't constantly check my code and make sure that it makes sense, I've really done nothing more than mugged my employer.  That is the difference between a junior developer and a senior - juniors need to be told to check and test everything; seniors just do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, with the constant apologies: turn that on its head.  Tell him that you EXPECT him to take his time and check everything.  Advise him that it's a requirement at your level to ensure that command lines are entered correctly.  Ensure he knows that errors at his level are catastrophic and you want him to ensure that he does the right thing as much as possible.  then, rather than his being deliberate, he's following corporate standards.  Then, when he apologizes, remind him of that standard and tell him to not apologize for following standards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T14:13:20.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7712" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7720" CreationDate="2017-12-06T14:29:45.093" Score="4" ViewCount="3125" Body="&lt;p&gt;When my mother learned that I was giving my Gramma $35,000 so that she could move to Florida and put the money down on a house, she informed me that my brother had been arrested a year ago, lost his job, and needed an attorney because he was facing 120 years in prison.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She said they had not told me because they didn't want to worry me.  I immediately handed over the $35,000 so that she could get him an attorney.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the case finally went to trial, none of the money had been spent on my brother.  He only had the free under-prepared public defender who had just been assigned to his case, four days prior to the trial.  Without a proper defense and without calling a single witness, he was found guilty and sentenced to 60 years in prison.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was not informed of the trial date.  I was never given a chance to testify on his behalf. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandmother made me promise not to bring this up with my mother while she was alive because then my mother wouldn't let me talk to her.  Now my grandmother has passed and I need to have the &quot;goodbye&quot; discussion with my mother.  I have no idea how to even approach this, since I get so extremely upset just thinking about it.  I don't know what she did with the money, but as ironic as this is, she bought a rental property in Florida a couple years later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One important point is that &lt;strong&gt;she was not close to her mother&lt;/strong&gt;. She's the type of person who blames &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; on everyone else.  Our relationship has always been one where I desperately sought her love, support, and approval, which has always ended in disaster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: We live on opposite sides of the country and so I can not have this discussion face to face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The money is lost.  I do not want it back.  No, I'm not wealthy, by any stretch of the imagination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9976" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-18T19:58:23.067" LastActivityDate="2018-02-18T19:58:23.067" Title="How do I confront my mother after she deceived me into giving her a substantial amount of money?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-12-06T15:14:21.733" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7661" CreationDate="2017-12-06T14:39:20.710" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn't a scientific answer but this is how my older brother handled the situation with me.  Go to a place where you're likely to encounter drunk people that's fun. my brother used a sports game.  Then make him aware of how the drunk people are acting.  Hear something offensive? See how disheveled and disgusting the bathroom has become?  See someone just having trouble walking or just generally out of control?  Point all that out. Still at the same time keep it fun and not lecture like, you'll be at a fun place after all. Then when you get back home, maybe later that evening find a time when its just the two of you, and bring up the most absurd thing you saw that day.  Like man did you see the guy that was so drunk he was slurring his speech and called his wife a whale?  People make some really stupid choices with alcohol.  Its easy too man, you really gotta be careful with this stuff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me this provided basically a mini scared straight moment.  Couple things I think my brother did really well, make sure you treat your brother as an equal capable of making his own choices. Make sure you let him know that he is the one who defines his relationship to booze, but also make sure you provide him with a real tangible example of someone who's made the wrong choice with regards to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5808" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T14:39:20.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7715" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7719" CreationDate="2017-12-06T14:43:30.690" Score="7" ViewCount="6642" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Backstory&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a girlfriend (let's call her &amp;quot;Alice&amp;quot;) who is 24, and I am 18. Before I met this girl I became good friends with &amp;quot;Bob&amp;quot; (he is 25), who then introduced me to &amp;quot;Alice&amp;quot;. A few months after this we began dating. We have been dating for around 3 weeks now and it is at the stage where we think &amp;quot;Bob&amp;quot; should be informed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Ideal ending&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, &amp;quot;Bob&amp;quot; will not mind and our friendship will not be affected. However I don't think that will happen and I think he will be upset about this. While the age difference is an issue, I think the main problem is that I am now in a relationship with one of his best friends. He has also recently gone through a traumatic stage in his life, and I would not like to add any more issues to his plate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I approach Bob about this and inform him without risking or ruining our friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9978" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T10:20:22.170" Title="How to tell my friend that I am dating someone they introduced me to?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7698" CreationDate="2017-12-06T14:48:56.157" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The issue is somebody suspects there is voting manipulation and that you may be unscrupulous&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If somebody is manipulating the votes, please stop&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your response post should &lt;strong&gt;show your stance on vote manipulation&lt;/strong&gt; (and how it hurts the system), your stance alone will tell them it wasn't you (if there is any manipulating happening)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following this with @Robzor's answer of directing them to the reddit rules and flagging suspected posts should help your case&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9979" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T14:48:56.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7712" CreationDate="2017-12-06T14:55:45.147" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I deleted my previous answer because I mis-read your question first time and assumed that this was about the money.  For this, I apologise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not about the money at all, it's about your mother believing that your brother is guilty of this crime and not wishing to defend him.  It's possible that your brother and mother had a conversation that you're not party to and a decision was reached.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What we don't know is how your brother feels about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did your brother want to be defended?  Did your mother ultimately decide not to defend him?  What led to this decision?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be easier to start talking about your brother first and understanding the reasons behind the non-defence, and leave the money to one side for now.  Once that conversation has started, the money issue may come out in the wash.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T14:55:45.147" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2017-12-06T14:55:59.187" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Check &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway. You seem to have given him lots of positive feedback, but this does not seem to work. I would suggest a different angle from the other answers here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Investigate if he receives negative feedback from other colleagues. If he thinks he's slow, perhaps it is because someone else told him. Maybe it was just a taunt or a joke that got misinterpreted.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps ask for other colleagues to encourage him. If you are in a higher hierarchical position than him, encouraging him may sound like you are simply doing your &quot;nice boss&quot; job. Positive feedback from peers on his level would sound more sincere.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I should mention that being smarter does not necessarily make someone faster at programming and IT. Someone who is &quot;slow&quot; would spend, say 10 minutes writing a bit of code. Someone who is &quot;fast&quot; would spend a few minutes figuring out the best way to do it (not necessarily the most obvious), write the same code in 2 minutes, then spend the rest of the time double-checking and removing all the bugs that the first guy missed. The &quot;speed&quot; of someone can't be evaluated until you factor in all the unintended consequences of a quick (read: botched) job...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T15:20:46.160" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T15:20:46.160" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7719" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7715" CreationDate="2017-12-06T15:03:16.790" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is how relationships usually started before we had the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer is pretty simple, you can just tell Bob.  There's nothing to say that he wouldn't be happy for both of you and hoped that this would happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before doing so, speak to Alice about it.  If Alice has known Bob for longer than you, she might have a good idea about how to progress with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People going through traumatic stages often welcome positivity from other people, something to feel good about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, we don't know all the facts, but the chances are that he'd be happy for the both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T15:03:16.790" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7712" CreationDate="2017-12-06T15:05:07.850" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you are unable (or unwilling) to have this confrontation face to face, I would send her a letter stating that you no longer wish to speak with her and will not bail her out again should trouble come.  Be sure to spell out the reasons as factually as you can.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can convey your message with a phone call, &lt;em&gt;and you are comfortable doing so&lt;/em&gt;, that would be okay as a backup option to face to face too.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some folks are not comfortable talking on the phone about sensitive topics, such as myself, so I find that when I write something around a sensitive topic I am more able to keep my emotions in check and be more factual.  Also, the content sticks better with the recipient as they may be inclined to re-read it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still believe this confrontation, &lt;strong&gt;if your really need it&lt;/strong&gt;, would be best performed face to face and that you would gain the most satisfaction and closure with this approach.  I would seriously consider whether you should expend any effort here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T15:59:51.537" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T15:59:51.537" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7715" CreationDate="2017-12-06T15:09:19.970" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that no matter how you inform Bob, he might need time to adjust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, as Snow pointed out in his answer, this is how people used to most commonly meet (through friends).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend having the person who is closest with Bob be the one to tell him (or whoever has known him longer, if you're both as close).  You could even start with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really glad you introduced me to Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and see how he responds. Make small-talk about the person.  Then you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, we wanted to let you know that we're seeing each other now, and we hope it doesn't strain our friendships with you at all. Since you were the one to introduce us, we're really thankful for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, acknowledging his role in your relationship might help him feel like he's not getting third-wheeled or set on the back burner while you and Alice pursue a further relationship with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, if Bob needs time to adjust, let him have the space. However, make sure you emphasize to Bob that he still has importance to you both individually, and to your newfound relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T15:09:19.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7715" CreationDate="2017-12-06T15:12:00.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You two have been dating for weeks, and Bob has no idea? This can only happen in one of a few ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you're dating secretly, and nobody knows. You don't go places together in public, you don't mention to your friends what a great time you had [at the movies, on a picnic, at the zoo, at that new restaurant] with your girlfriend, Alice, on the weekend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You and Bob are not that close, so while you tell many people these things, you don't really see Bob to tell him. Ditto for Alice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are actively hiding the relationship from Bob because you're worried how he will react&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is the last, then I think you are missing a third possible reason Bob might get angry, which is deception and hiding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I presume you don't want this to be a big deal and don't want Bob to be angry. So don't make this into a big deal by sitting Bob down to tell him. Just start mentioning this aspect of your life whenever you talk to him, and encourage Alice to do the same. Work it into an ordinary conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh man, last week I went to [thing] with Alice and it was amazing! [Details of what was great about thing.] You should totally go if you get a chance!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[If Bob invites you to something] That sounds terrific! I need to check with Alice to see if we have plans that day already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[If Bob tells you about something he did that sounds fun eg a movie, an art exhibition, a new restaurant] I wonder if Alice would like to go to that with me. It sounds like something she would really like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice should be doing the same when she has her own conversations or get-togethers with Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While he might ignore them, any one of these comments could easily lead Bob to say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice? What does she have to do with anything? She's &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; friend, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Or the equivalent sentence to Alice about you.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At which point you can say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, she is your friend, and we've been on several (a few, a lot of) dates since a few months after you introduced us. I'm so glad you did!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't rush into a summary sentence like &amp;quot;we are falling in love&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;it's getting serious&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;it's time to tell people we are a couple&amp;quot;. Let him ask you that sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T15:15:30.663" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7712" CreationDate="2017-12-06T15:17:55.510" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I don't want to be tactless in my response but you are seeking a practical solution so I must address a few difficult subjects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A letter might seem like an easier option than a phone call but if you don't know how she will react you may or may not get a response. The letter may also be shown to others or parts read out of context, and you may be misrepresented. Written communication is beneficial when you want to state something clearly and factually, but when you are hoping for discussion / answers it can be better to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have stated that this is not about the money, and that you consider the money &quot;lost&quot;, so I won't dwell on that too much. But if by &quot;lost&quot; you mean your mother has spent it on property as you imagine then in a normal family situation you would expect one day her property and capital to be willed to you (and your siblings).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to think carefully about what you want to achieve from the exchange. Are you looking for an apology? An acknowledgement of wrongdoing? An explanation? Also consider the possible outcomes. Do you think you will reconcile, or do you expect her to deny / justify her actions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will likely be an emotional discussion involving as it does so many family issues, and as you say, you find it very upsetting. Being clear about your objectives and preparing for possible outcomes beforehand will help. There will be less to take you by surprise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest tackling it head on and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We need to have a discussion about the money I gave you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than accuse, state how things look and how it makes you feel:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I provided money for his defense. However, he only had a public&#xA;  defender. That makes me wonder what happened to 10 years' worth of&#xA;  savings that I provided for this purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a fairly open question. This may lead her to open up and tell her side of things. For closure on this I think you need to know how it was spent. If she doesn't volunteer this information, ask directly. Hopefully she will give you some answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope that you are able to reconcile in some way. Your grandmother's death means that if your mother feels bad that you held back the discussion (if you share that with her), or ashamed that her mother knew this, she cannot apologise to her for that. Similarly, you may feel angry and want to cut your mother off, but there will come a time when you will be unable to reconcile even if you wanted to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T15:38:26.260" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T15:38:26.260" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7715" CreationDate="2017-12-06T15:25:57.987" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ideally, &quot;Bob&quot; will not mind and our friendship will not be affected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this should happen in almost all situation, not just &quot;ideally&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are objectively no reasons for which Bob should be upset, except for the one and only case where&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bob has a crush on Alice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does he (as far as you know)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Case NO: where's the problem? Would you be upset if someone was dating your sister/friend/cousin/etc.? As long as your sister/friend/cousin/etc. is content, anybody else should be content. You sure can inform Bob, but more on a &quot;Hey, look at how happy we are thanks to you&quot; side.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Case YES: (the worst and hardest case) inform him right away, the sooner he knows the better, and be tactful while you do; this is the best you can do, after which whether to ruin or not to ruin your friendship will be all on him.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T15:25:57.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7715" CreationDate="2017-12-06T15:51:31.973" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Regarding the age difference - if you can be friends with Bob (such good friends that you worry about hurting his feelings) when he is 7 years your senior, why shouldn't you date a girl 6 years older than you? Bob must consider you mature enough to be his friend, so he shouldn't see the age gap between you and Alice as an issue either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with a previous comment that this 'good news' might be welcomed by Bob and actually lighten his mood during this 'traumatic time'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this in mind I think you should tell him directly. Say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know I've been seeing some more of Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think a casual approach is best - the more you weight it, the more of a big deal it seems. You've not given us any solid reason to believe that Bob will react badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope all goes well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T10:20:22.170" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T10:20:22.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7727" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7729" CreationDate="2017-12-06T16:18:00.933" Score="48" ViewCount="29369" Body="&lt;p&gt;So today at work we had a tray of doughnuts, my colleague called out to the office, &quot;I'm going to have the last one unless anyone else would like it?&quot;. At this point, I realised that I don't think I've ever heard anyone respond saying that they would like the last &lt;em&gt;thing&lt;/em&gt; and neither had any of my colleagues, which made me curious about how you would actually respond to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the UK, it is fairly common to ask questions like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Would anyone like the last &lt;em&gt;thing&lt;/em&gt;?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I'm going to eat the last &lt;em&gt;thing&lt;/em&gt;, unless anyone wants it?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Does anyone want the last &lt;em&gt;thing&lt;/em&gt;? Otherwise I'll have it.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such questions are a common way of declaring to people that you would, in fact, like the last &lt;em&gt;thing&lt;/em&gt; that you're offering to others. So, it's a bit strange when someone would reply 'Yes'. I don't know how to respond when someone would do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If I were to ask a question like the ones above, and someone were to say that they wanted the last &lt;em&gt;thing&lt;/em&gt;, what's the best way to respond?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9987" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T21:21:31.227" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T01:12:51.033" Title="How do I respond when someone answers 'Yes' when I ask &quot;Would anyone like the last [Item]?&quot;?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7727" CreationDate="2017-12-06T16:19:48.833" Score="51" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I were to say this to a group of people and someone were to say&#xA;  that they wanted the last thing, what's the best way to respond?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;It's all yours.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;Would you mind splitting it with me?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note:  Use the split option wisely as not all things are easily split.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T12:02:35.993" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T12:02:35.993" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7727" CreationDate="2017-12-06T16:19:57.250" Score="161" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone says yes, then give the item to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's pretty simple really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to offer the last one, then take it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can just do the British thing and let the last one go stale on the plate before someone finally throws it away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The chances are that anyone who says &quot;Does anyone mind if I take the last one?&quot; has probably taken a few too many already, wants another one, but wants to absolve themselves of guilty feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no hard and fast etiquette rules here, apart from the person taking the last item having the courtesy to throw the empty packet away when they're done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T16:33:41.223" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T16:33:41.223" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7727" CreationDate="2017-12-06T16:27:11.140" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;Once you offer it to someone else you are pretty much bound by manners to say, &quot;here you are&quot; and give them the last item.  You really don't have any right to be offended or feel justified in taking back the offer - that would simply be saying something to sound generous when you have no intention of being generous. That is selfish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A better solution, if you are definitely desiring of the last item but also want to be polite, is to ask if anyone wants to split it with you.  If one or more people want in, divide it as equally as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you definitely want it and don't care about being rude - just take it, but this is rude unless the last item has been sitting there for a fairly long time - essentially it is clear everyone else has finished or had an opportunity to have their first serving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6236" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T16:27:11.140" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7731" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7733" CreationDate="2017-12-06T16:29:15.603" Score="74" ViewCount="26967" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I don’t have a bad relationship with my parent who tries to find out, you could say that our relation is rather cold. I haven’t lived with my parents for about six years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I’ve already had bad experiences (my parent calling my boss at work), and my sister had similar situations (our parent appearing during work time and refusing to leave while customers were waiting), I have a rather bad feeling about sharing this detail.&#xA;Also I don’t really see what they would do with the information where their kid works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely refuse to tell my parents where I work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9988" LastEditorUserId="151" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T10:13:28.770" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T10:13:28.770" Title="How to politely refuse telling your parents where you work?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7731" CreationDate="2017-12-06T16:39:55.137" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there's some underlying issues between your parents and yourself, then you should probably address those. However, as far as not telling them where you work goes, it's quite simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Where do you work? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Sorry, due to past experiences I'd rather not disclose that information. &lt;br/&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; That's preposterous, how could you keep this from us, your parents? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I think you both know the incidents which are prompting me to withhold this information. Just know that I like my job, and be happy for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without more information there's not much more advice that I can offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T16:39:55.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7731" CreationDate="2017-12-06T16:42:40.177" Score="135" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would just straight up tell them how it is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I would prefer that you don't know where I work. I feel like you haven't handled this information very professionally in the past [like showing up at work for no reason or disrupting service].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might want to have a way to contact you during the day, so propose contact via mobile phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way they can reach you in emergencies but you can ignore repeated senseless calls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T16:42:40.177" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7731" CreationDate="2017-12-06T16:56:56.080" Score="17" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Give Broad Answer&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you commute any distance to get to work or work for a rather large company, then only give high level information about the location or company that you work for.  Such as if I said I worked for Microsoft or I worked over in Vienna, neither would be very useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Change the Topic&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to attempt to avoid the conversation one strategy that I have used with people is the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Where do you work? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I work in Vienna.  Unfortunately because I live out in Leesburg means my commute is rather long if I do not leave early enough.  Traffic can be such a pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short when someone asks me where I work, I give a general location, and then start talking about northern Virginia traffic since it can get rather bad during rush hour, which many people in my area can relate to.  Next thing you know we are venting about how bad traffic can get.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Ask Why&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a very good relationship with my parents and they do not know the address or phone number of where I work.  The reason being they have no need to know.  If your parents press the topic, instead of answering it respond with a simple question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you want to know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure to ask the question sincerely with honest curiosity that you want to know their answer.  Odds are any answer they give you can be countered.  For example if they say they want it for emergency contact, then you tell them that they already have your cell phone.  If they want to visit you at work, then state my work does not allow us to have visitors while we are working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="551" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T16:56:56.080" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7696" CreationDate="2017-12-06T17:14:35.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may very well consider how they feel and what they might prefer but I would suggest a &quot;harsher&quot; approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they have a job in Japan they should at least be familiar enough with the language to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, my Japanese isn't that good. Can we speak in english, please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, even a written card with this on it would be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also you are likely not the only customer there so the clerk has to know somehow how to deal with people who only speak Japanese.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further more you make the assumption that the person's English is better than their Japanese. This doesn't have to be the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this reason I suggest starting of in Japanese and only switch if you see the person is really uncompfortable or straight up asks you to switch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T17:14:35.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7737" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7738" CreationDate="2017-12-06T17:42:27.827" Score="5" ViewCount="453" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend is going to pay me a visit in a few days. He comes from another city (&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiraz&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Shiraz&lt;/a&gt;, I live in &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isfahan&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Isfahan&lt;/a&gt;). The problem is that he is heavily accented (I don't know if heavily word is correct here or not). I had trouble with understanding the voice messages he sent me, so I ask him to send text messages ever since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid that when we meet, I might be unable to understand his words. How do I deal with this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9072" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T19:30:12.983" Title="How to deal with accented people" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;iran&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7737" CreationDate="2017-12-06T17:52:53.237" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to broach this is to be honest and tell him that you have a hard time with accents - make it clear that you are not criticizing his way of speech or his accent in particular, but rather you have a difficult time with accents other than your own.  This is important so that he knows you are not making fun but want to understand him more clearly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've established this, you should repeat phrases you are not sure of to be certain you understand (it is just as rude to nod along like you understand when you don't).  You can ask him to repeat or speak slower - always putting the deficiency back on yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having lived in multiple parts of the US, with a wide range of accents, and traveled worldwide, I know that I can sometimes be hard to understand - set the expectation that they may need to be patient with you and you should be in good shape.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6236" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T17:52:53.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7731" CreationDate="2017-12-06T17:52:54.927" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;What happens if they decide to check your Linkedin or any other social media? Or simply ask to your friends? I think if they really want to know where their kids work, they'll find it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the better approach is to talk about it direcly. Tell them how the workplace is, how the work rotine goes, the rules, company policy and how incovinient can be any kind of unannounced visit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're adults. They should be able to understand. If you think they can't, then don't tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4225" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T17:52:54.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7740" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2017-12-06T18:00:48.200" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There could potentially be two issues going on here.  First, he feels he is annoying you on relatively small tasks and second, he believes his slow-paced methodology is affecting the quality of his job function (note that timeliness is often a part of quality).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first issue does not seem serious, and he most likely knows this.  He could very well just be &quot;apologizing for silence&quot; which could be his way of relieving the uncomfortable nature of downtime during the conversation when he is double-checking and nothing actionable is happening.  I am introverted and I find myself doing the same thing; it is not serious, just helps me fill the silence.  Or more likely he is looking for self actualization.  He knows that his methodology is slow and subconsciously he actually WANTS you to realize and reaffirm this belief he has in himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leads into the second issue; it is only a problem if he believes this methodology somehow hampers his ability to perform his job function.  I believe that trying to convince him he is fast is not a good solution because he needs to assure himself that he understands himself, but he just needs to know it does not affect his performance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying this, I believe the best course of action would not be to try to convince him he is fast, but highlight how his methodology is on par if not superior to others who use a different methodology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a saying in project management:  &quot;You can have it either good, fast, or cheap... but you can only pick two.&quot;  If he is meeting deadlines and not overworking himself, then you could leverage that his work is of high quality and within budget because of his methodology while reassuring him that meeting deadlines means his speed is satisfactory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples would be-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: &quot;I'm sorry, I am so slow at this.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &quot;It's fine, better to do it right the first time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: &quot;I am so much slower than the other leads.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &quot;Atleast I know when I assign you a project that it will be done correctly.  As long as you meet your deadlines (which you have been) we know the customer is getting a quality product.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can see, the focus is objectively on his performance rather than trying to convince him of something he does not believe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2535" LastEditorUserId="2535" LastEditDate="2017-12-06T18:06:23.937" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T18:06:23.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7731" CreationDate="2017-12-06T18:05:37.117" Score="88" Body="&lt;p&gt;I absolutely agree with @AK_is_curious that a straightforward approach is best, but I would recommend being &lt;strong&gt;even more direct&lt;/strong&gt; than their answer suggests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not going to give you that information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't apologise for this, just make the statement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In the past you used those details in a way that was inappropriate&#xA;  and had workplace consequences for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What they did was &lt;em&gt;absolutely&lt;/em&gt; inappropriate, so don't present it as an opinion 'I feel what you did..', that opens up scope for dispute. Don't go into the detail of consequences, that opens up scope for them to minimise or belittle what you experienced.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If there is anything urgent you can use my mobile number, but everyday stuff will have to wait until I'm home from work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are ending with an open gesture to reassure them that they are not being cut from your whole life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And to the very best of your ability, don't get dragged into a dispute about it. State your position and be done with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously this is a suggested approach rather than a script to follow to the letter, but my experience is that if you are dealing with people who don't respect boundaries, you have to make the boundaries firmer and limit their ability to breach them, and if you can do that decisively and unequivocally, and avoid the conversation descending into squabbles, it stands a better chance of working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T18:05:37.117" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7731" CreationDate="2017-12-06T18:09:59.800" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;What kind of information are they actually asking for? The field you work in, the company you work for or the adress you are working at?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 1: &lt;br&gt;&#xA;The answer is usually broad enough to care about probably inappropriate visit of the asker. Maybe they are asking because they are proud of you and want to tell their friends/neighbours just &quot;Our Bob is nuclear physicist.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 2: &lt;br&gt;&#xA;The answer is usually broad enough too, but not as broad as the previous one. Reasons may be the same, showing off using &quot;Bob is nuclear physicist working for Westinghouse.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 3:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Actually, this is awkward. You can answer it as Option 1 or Option 2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am to bet, I'd pick Option 2 to be the real question. If #3 is true and they want to put you in an awkward situation, what can prevent them to, as &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/7739/9991&quot;&gt;dvc.junor mentioned&lt;/a&gt;, stalk your LinkedIn account?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T18:09:59.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7661" CreationDate="2017-12-06T18:12:11.993" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's get something out of the way before we get into what you should do: in some sense, you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; trying to parent him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A parent's responsibility to their child is to prepare them to survive and to thrive. Parents do this primarily by a combination of imparting knowledge and training them by enforcing boundaries. This is a good thing, both individually for the child and for the people they will interact with over their lives. What you want to do is participate in this process with your brother. This is also a good thing; it stems from your desire to see your brother succeed. Where you draw the line is an appropriate place as well: even though you wish to help your brother, you do not have the authority of a parent to decide and enforce boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my first piece of advice is stop viewing &quot;sounding like his mom&quot; to your brother as a complete negative. In an ideal world, sounding like his mom just means you care about him and are trying to help him become the best person he can be. We'd all be better off if we could accept that from more people, especially those close to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To actually approach this issue with him, start with the facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Tell him how you feel.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be honest with him. Tell him that what he did makes you worry about his well being. Maybe it even scares you a little bit. You seem to have a good relationship with him, so being open about how this made you feel is both a good step in deepening that relationship and in starting the conversation about what happened. This also frames the discussion in &quot;I&quot; terms. You're not just commanding him to do something; you're explaining how it affected you personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Find out what he thinks about the situation&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've told him how you feel about it, find out his thoughts. Does he think he should have done anything differently? Does he wish he hadn't drunk anything? Does he wish he hadn't ridden home on his bike? Avoid opening with direct questions about specific things you think he should have done differently; doing so will sound like you're interrogating him. Listen &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; carefully to how he responds to your feelings first, and use those responses as a springboard for trying to understand what he thinks about it all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Talk about what he can do in the future&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have some idea what he thinks about it, then you can start talking about what to do in future situations. You've already made it clear that you want him to be able to call you for a ride if he ever gets in this situation again; now is a good time to make that offer to him. Assuming he agrees that there was some part of it he should have done differently, you'll probably need to talk about what happened and why he ended up doing something he didn't intend to do. If he wishes he hadn't drunk anything, you can try to come up with some ideas of how to say no under social pressure. If he wishes he had drunk less or that he hadn't ridden home, you could talk to him about strategies for controlling how much alcohol he drinks in these situations. The bottom line here is that you are aiming to understand what happened and help him come up with ideas about how it can be handled differently in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If the conversation leads to it, talk about the dangers.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is probably the point where it's easiest to fall into a &quot;sermon&quot; sort of approach. So my advice is don't plan to go there specifically. If a specific question comes up or it seems like there's something he doesn't understand, answer it or discuss that particular issue. Don't go into dangers that don't arise naturally from the conversation. If you feel the need to mention something he already knows or he seems to know something based on his responses, don't belabor the point. Just mention it and move on. Don't dwell too long on anything that comes up in this vein.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Don't mention telling your parents at all&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two reasons you shouldn't mention this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you steer the conversation as described above, I don't think you'll even give the impression that you might tell them. So there's really no need to even mention it; that would just make him consider the possibility of it happening.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Presumably, there's some point of extremity at which you &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; tell them because they need to know and you all need to figure something out for his own benefit. You don't want to box yourself into a corner where now you have to decide between breaking a promise not to and doing something to help him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Decide ahead of time what you're going to do if he doesn't want to talk about it&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you even start this conversation, you need to decide what you're going to do if he doesn't want to have it. At any point of resistance, your options are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Walk away without continuing the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Divert to a different point that he's more comfortable with&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Press a little harder.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Decide now what line you won't cross if he resists talking about it. Will you before you tell him how you feel? Will you insist on telling him how you feel, but stop at trying to get what he thinks out of him? Decide what you'll whether you'll press the conversation or not at each point, and be prepared for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Remind him you love him&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give him a hug, or whatever you normally do with your family to express affection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1562" LastEditorUserId="1562" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T02:04:40.177" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T02:04:40.177" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7744" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-06T18:23:56.250" Score="4" ViewCount="599" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work at an institution of higher education.  One of our employee benefits is a generous tuition reimbursement if we take classes here.  I decided to take advantage of this and go back to school, finish my degree by scheduling classes part time around the FT job that allows me the benefit of this education.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a departmental boss who constantly pays lip service to being supportive of me and my career, including my decision to pursue my degree.  Yet she constantly does things to undermine me and make life harder for me than necessary.  Just as one example (and believe me it is only one of many, just happens to be the most recent and least complicated to explain), we have a quarterly potluck in our department to celebrate staff birthdays from that quarter.  She has known for a week now that I have a final exam on a particular morning next week -- yet she decided to schedule staff meeting for that same morning and just now rescheduled the potluck simultaneously, ensuring I won't be able to attend or enjoy it -- when I am, in fact, one of the staff members whose birthday is being (belatedly) celebrated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like I said this isn't the only example. There's a particular task which is not something I was hired for but is something people tend to dump on me because they don't want to deal with it.  Not only does she refuse to back me up in empowering the other staff to handle that matter themselves (only involving me if it is absolutely necessary) but on at least half a dozen separate occasions over the past semester she dumped &quot;rush rush&quot; type stress on me on class days trying to interfere with my class time and then come to find out she can't be bothered to put the stamp of approval on the end result of that task until hours later anyway -- so all the stress and &quot;rush rush&quot; vibe was just literally an exercise in making me feel like my class time was threatened, nothing more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have a flextime policy at my workplace -- but she refuses to use it, refuses to budge for even a reasonable accommodation.  Check me on this, but I do not believe 45 minutes for two days per week at a convenient hour (phased in with lunch hour) is even remotely infeasible let alone unreasonable.  There is literally almost never a day in my work life where anything is so time sensitive it would matter if I were gone for an hour.  I could understand not wanting to accommodate that every day of the week, but 45 minutes, for two days only, easily made up at the end of the day or split to beginning and end, is not an unreasonable request.  She simply refuses to budge and just makes a lot of noise and excuses about how my job has to come first and I need to be here, etc.  She talks like I'm some teenager who doesn't &quot;get it&quot; and needs that kind of micromanagement.  For the record, my role is in IT -- it is knowledge-based and results-driven; it is not a clock punching role in the first place.  On top of all that, I'm middle-aged and have been working full time my entire life since the age of 19, probably more years than some of you reading here have been alive!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not the first time I've had to deal with someone pulling this kind of crap on me, but I'll be first to admit this is one problem in life I have never managed to master handling properly.  I &lt;em&gt;KNOW&lt;/em&gt; for a FACT she is doing this crap on purpose, and it is really making me angry.  Of course that makes it much harder to approach the situation calmly and objectively; my emotions get in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make this crap stop?  I'm too old for this.  I just don't need or want this in my life.  But I can't say anything to her or anyone else about it, because she will just deny it of course and say how ridiculous that I would think such a thing, blah blah blah.  When we talk she seems congenial and genuine, and I don't dislike her completely (outside of this problem), but this just leaves me feeling like I'm being gaslit to hell and back.  &lt;strong&gt;Her actions don't match her words&lt;/strong&gt;, but I feel trapped, there's nowhere to go with this, and I KNOW it's deliberate -- it's too consistent to NOT be deliberate -- yet if I try to tell anyone else that, or if I try to confront her with it, I know it will go nowhere and might even make things worse for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make this stop?  And how can I get the actual practical support I need for some reasonable accommodation for my classes?  I have no control over when classes are scheduled, I'm being as reasonable as I can, and nothing I need to take is available at night, FYI.  Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9992" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T19:11:35.393" Title="What can I do when I know someone is acting deliberately but pretending otherwise so I cannot confront them without looking bad?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;employers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="13" ClosedDate="2017-12-06T21:40:23.107" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4498" CreationDate="2017-12-06T18:44:41.913" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell her when you are interrupted in the middle of a task it creates tremendous stress for you as well as takes a lot of time to regain your ability to concentrate afterwards.  Ask her to please not interrupt you VERBALLY at work, period.  If she needs your help with something work-related, she may email you or otherwise send you written messaging so you can either decline the request if you don't have time or schedule the time to help when you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you WANT to socialize with her, you can offer to spend some time during lunch break chatting.  If she initiates small talk, just cut her off politely with, &quot;Hey, I'm busy right now -- let's talk about that at lunch break.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you need to be firm and be a broken record for the next 4-6 weeks or however long it takes to get it through her thick skull that HER approach will NO LONGER WORK on you or with you.  Every time she interrupts verbally, tell her &quot;no&quot;.  You can be as firm or gentle as you wish, but she gets no reward for doing it wrong.  And EVERY time, follow it up with a reminder, &quot;could you please not interrupt me verbally when I am working? I know I have asked you before, but it's very important to my ability to do my job to not be interrupted on the spur of the moment.&quot;  After several weeks of constant &quot;NO&quot;s -- no matter how nice and sweet those &quot;NO&quot;s are phrased -- and the broken record reminder of your request, hopefully she will get the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this time, document the interruptions.  Note date, time, length, and nature of the interruptions and what you did in response.  You can use shorthand, it's just notes for yourself to refer to later if needed.  If you have a standard method of responding like outlined above you can just mark it as &quot;SR&quot; (standard response) rather than writing it all out, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After 6 weeks if there is no measurable improvement, take your concerns and your documentation to a mutual supervisor or boss and ask for official intervention.  Tell them you simply cannot accommodate this co-worker's emotional/social needs AND your paid position at the same time, that you have tried your best to deal with it on your own (important!), and that you really need some intervention and some firm boundaries coming from someone to whom Miss Chatterbox must answer.  (If you want, you can warn her for the last 2 weeks of that 6 week stretch that if it doesn't stop by [date], you will have no other choice but to involve your boss/supervisor/whomever.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I totally feel your pain ... I'm stuck in an open air cubicle area and the noise is constant, and there's literally nothing I can do about it -- I can't demand co-workers not use shared space after all.  At least with your situation, it sounds like tackling it head on could work out in the end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9992" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T18:44:41.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7744" CreationDate="2017-12-06T19:11:35.393" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on you're own comment to your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She's pretty much top dog here; there is nobody higher than her other&#xA;  than the President or the Board of Regents, and I doubt either of&#xA;  those would even make themselves accessible to be bothered with this&#xA;  sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can realistically do is resign. Even if you do the normal thing of document each occurrence, to whom would you share the information with?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short answer&lt;/strong&gt;:  Time to find another job, save your sanity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T19:11:35.393" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7696" CreationDate="2017-12-06T19:42:21.887" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In this case, you should use Japanese.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most foreigners in Japan, especially in service sector as part-time, don't speak English any better than Japanese. Because most of them are from neighboring countries (China, South Korea, Vietnam... depending on how you think these people look &quot;foreigner&quot; but most Japanese can recognize it easily, especially since in CS clerks have a name tag) their English isn't as good as what you expect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, the vast majority of Japanese speak little or no English, so shop owners generally hire only foreigners who speak decent Japanese. So you don't need to worry about their Japanese competency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T19:42:21.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7727" CreationDate="2017-12-06T20:38:45.810" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;As Snow pointed out in their answer, the answer is pretty simple: you give it to them. Since you offered it, that is the polite response. It's not fair to hold any ill will towards someone for assuming an offer you made was genuine (unless your culture, like some, requires an offer and subsequent refusal).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, you might consider only offering what you'd be okay with if someone took you up on it. For example, If you'd be okay with sharing, but really want at least part of it, you could say: &lt;em&gt;&quot;Anyone want to split the last one with me?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; Or, if you really, really want the whole thing, but don't want to just take it, you could smile and say &lt;em&gt;&quot;Anyone wanna fight me for the last one?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, which would allow someone to say that they hadn't gotten one yet, and they would like it. These will convey your actual intent more fully, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10002" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T20:38:45.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2017-12-06T22:06:49.757" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your colleague has some sort of complex when it comes to positive feedback from others. It's hard to tell why he might have this issue, but it sounds like he just doesn't hear or believe the good things that others are saying about and to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's definitely a good idea to be completely sure that none of his other colleagues are giving him any trouble over the way he does his work, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate to say that you may have to be a little negative (and I'm not sure that that's the best way to describe this) but when you are telling him that he is doing a great job and is a highly valued part of your team, maybe you could be more explicit about how it would be a bad thing for you, personally, as well as the others who work with him if he were to change his approach to work or, even worse, leave the team. When you praise him for something, tell him why that thing is a good thing. Because the alternative would be to not have that thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use details, like the one about how he has been a part of lessening what used to be an overwhelming workload for you and while telling him how great his work is, also stress the fact that it would cause a lot of stress for yourself and others if he were to sacrifice the quality of his work in pursuit of speed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he says something like &quot;I know this is taking me so long, I'm so sorry to have to waste your time like this&quot; maybe you could respond with something like &quot;that's perfectly fine, I love to answer this type of question! It's such a relief to know I can count on you to be meticulous and thorough because it would be stressful to work with someone who is trying to rush through a problem too fast.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe, if he is filtering out the good things that people say to him it would help for him to hear that not only is he a valuable contributor, but that the inverse of that also applies and that it would be a real, measurable loss for everyone else to not have his contributions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7985" LastActivityDate="2017-12-06T22:06:49.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5101" CreationDate="2017-12-07T00:45:56.733" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is is possible that Bob wants to have a conversation to try and understand the OP's point of view better? The OP doesn't strictly indicate that Bob's opening conversational gambit is hostile.  For example, Bob may have been thinking that what he said was too harsh, and wants to apologize. Or tell the OP something positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bigotry works by painting the target group as somehow &quot;other&quot; than the in-group: Untermenschen, &quot;not like us&quot;, etc. Having ordinary, every day conversations breaks this barrier down. You don't have to make every conversation a witness to the rainbow alliance either. Just talk about ordinary things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4365" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T00:45:56.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7765" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7802" CreationDate="2017-12-07T03:09:17.813" Score="13" ViewCount="2200" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have small children who are finally old enough to realize that December is a special time of year (ages 4 and 2). For a myriad of reasons my wife and I have decided we won't present &quot;Santa Claus&quot; to our children in the traditional, American sense. We will tell them about the legend, but when it comes to who leaves presents for them we won't say it was this mythical, bearded man. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, that's probably a tangent and appropriate for the Parenting SE. My question for this group is: what's the most concise, appropriate way to answer a person when they ask my kid(s) if they're &quot;excited for Santa Claus to come?&quot;  We are in the US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The older children have special needs, so we often respond for them because strangers typically do not understand their speech. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At a store the other night I interjected and re-phrased the question to my kid: &quot;||daughter's name||, are you excited for &lt;em&gt;Christmas&lt;/em&gt;?&quot; Which felt like a more natural way to rephrase the question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose my question applies not only to strangers at the store but also to distant family and friends who, as is totally normal and expected, assume our kids are getting lots of great toys from &quot;Santa.&quot; We want to not just smile and nod; we want to be true to our conviction without appearing &quot;holier than thou.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10014" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T12:11:22.537" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T12:11:22.537" Title="How to communicate to strangers that we don't want our children to believe in Santa Claus when they ask them?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;holidays&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7731" CreationDate="2017-12-07T03:50:09.900" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the top-voted answers, given that your parents have betrayed your trust in the past in regard to situations like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you also say that your relationship with them is rather cold, and that you don't know why they would want to know where you work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should know, when parents and their offspring have a close relationship, they will usually know something about what their children do for a living. For most of us, our work is a huge part of our life, and something which impacts everything else. One of the most common things to ask about someone's life is &quot;how is work?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing as we really don't have a lot of details on your family situation, I think it's possible (though maybe not probable) that your parents wish to reconnect with you. They may be asking in order to re-establish a relationship with you that you say has been lost. Maybe they heard a friend of theirs talking about their children doing important work and felt sad that they couldn't do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given their history though, it's probably still a good idea to use the straight-forward answers provided above. But maybe after delivering that message, you can then tell them something else about how you're doing, something that will make them feel like there is still hope for having a warm, close relationship with their child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2946" LastEditorUserId="2946" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T21:45:41.977" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T21:45:41.977" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7769" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-07T04:30:10.867" Score="2" ViewCount="906" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine (originally my personal trainer, I don't see him any more, but we keep in contact) is caught up in a MLM scheme. This is a well known scheme and there is a lot of info out there about why it is bad, and the vast majority of people who get involved will either make nothing, or lose money from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the outside it he appears to be having a good time with it. He goes on regular &quot;conference trips&quot; (almost certainly self-funded) and he seems to be enjoying being part of the community. But I've got no idea if things are working out for him. I'm concerned he might be pouring money into nothing, and even worse struggling to get by because of it. The scheme does a great job of convincing you that you have to put in the &quot;investment&quot; then you'll start reaping the benefits, something that I know really appeals to his independent, hard-working ethic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to warn him about this scheme and show him that in all probability his hard work will come to nothing, but I really don't know how to even approach it. He's not a close friend, but he's a nice guy and I don't want to turn things sour. I know I could just say nothing and let him be, but that doesn't feel right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I enlighten him without ruining the friendship? I want him to at least have some idea of what's going on, even if he chooses to keep pursuing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6797" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T13:35:53.573" Title="My friend doesn't realise he's fallen for a multi-level marketing scheme. How can I help?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-12-07T14:58:20.797" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7677" CreationDate="2017-12-07T04:42:26.410" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been the girlfriend in this situation before. I think the best solution is to be open with her, especially if this is something that is really important to you. If I'm ever in this situation again, I would want my significant other to say something along the lines of, &quot;I know that family is very important to you, but spending quality time together is very important for our relationship. You have been such an important part of my life for the past x years, and I want to honor that time by celebrating Christmas together - just you and me. The day would feel empty without you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, if there's any way to compromise in this situation, I think that would be best. Perhaps she could spend the morning with her family and join you for the afternoon and evening? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10009" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T04:42:26.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7773" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7819" CreationDate="2017-12-07T05:16:34.663" Score="7" ViewCount="674" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a young adult, and both of my parents come to me when they want to complain about the other. (They are married, but their relationship hasn't been on good terms for a couple of years.) I don't want to take sides or talk badly about either one behind their backs. How can I explain this without hurting my relationship with them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10009" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T20:24:58.083" Title="How do I tell my parents I don't want to take sides in their disputes?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7774" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7777" CreationDate="2017-12-07T06:59:01.777" Score="42" ViewCount="13413" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a problem which I face when I travel using public transportation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a habit of checking my messages, call data or Stack Exchange stuff that I missed and other social media stuff while I'm travelling using public transportation. Sometimes, while I'm doing this, I'll notice that one of the passengers who are sitting beside me or standing behind me are secretly watching what I'm doing on my phone. I find this situation so uncomfortable that I may have to stop chatting with friends or close the website I'm using.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just don't say anything to them about this issue because it may feel rude to others and may change the enviroment for the worse in the bus. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I face situations like these? How can I tell people that it is not okay for people to be watching what other people are doing on their mobile phones or devices without their permission? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is not about privacy. I'm fully aware that there's nothing private in a public transport. It is becoming uncomfortable when continuously stares at your phone secretly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="137" LastEditorUserId="137" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T18:28:51.137" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T12:25:41.440" Title="How do I approach the issue of someone reading what's on my phone when I'm on public transportation with them?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7775" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7798" CreationDate="2017-12-07T07:00:37.363" Score="7" ViewCount="5271" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 22-year-old college student soon to be entering my final semester of my undergraduate degree. For the second time this semester (and for entirely unrelated occasions), I've been contacted by former teachers via e-mail. Both of these teachers are figures from my elementary school, which runs from Kindergarten through 5th grade where I'm from. It is unlikely that I've interacted with either person since entering the 6th grade and certainly not within the past five years. Both cases have involved requests of me to return to my elementary school and speak with students about the academic and professional experiences I've had throughout college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm perfectly comfortable with responding to these requests up but I'm unsure of how to address the e-mail. On one hand, every encounter I've ever had with either teacher occurred prior to my teenage years -- addressing them by anything other than &quot;Ms.&quot; or &quot;Mr.&quot; seems strange. On the other hand, I'm an adult and the power balance inherent in the teacher-student relationship we once had has dissolved, so it seems equally strange to maintain the formality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize I am probably overthinking this but it's the second incident in recent times that I've faced this question. &lt;strong&gt;What is the correct way to address one of your former teachers in a casual setting?&lt;/strong&gt; Is it improper to address a former teacher by their first name unless invited to, or is it more awkward to maintain the formality? My question was spurred by an e-mail, but I'm from a relatively small town and the chances of me encountering a former teacher while out and about back home are high, so I'm curious as to what the proper etiquette is in a more general sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10021" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T11:01:09.693" Title="How best to address a former teacher" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7775" CreationDate="2017-12-07T07:23:02.187" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Neither way is considered improper.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addressing them by their full/first name is probably the choice that best suits your situation. It shows an element of professionalism and as you said equal footing and would help to stress making a new relationship with them rather than reverting and building off the one you had with them as a student. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, addressing them as you used to (Ms. or Mr.) is still fine. As teachers they would still get it all the time from past students much older than you (I have teacher friends who confirm this), you mentioned how it is a formality but I would say its the opposite; this choice focuses more on the fondness you once had for them as there is no actual formality required here. Some people feel good about referencing how things used to be and would call them Mr. or Ms. out of nostalgia but I imagine its been so long that this is not the case for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit: Australian culture, but should be applicable in American culture too.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T12:30:00.723" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T12:30:00.723" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7774" CreationDate="2017-12-07T07:59:12.277" Score="49" Body="&lt;p&gt;Okay, since there have been loads of answers saying 'don't do private things in public': you stated in the question the things you're doing aren't really that privacy-sensitive. You're not doing online banking, you're not reading sensitive company e-mails. You're doing social media stuff. If you were doing the very private stuff, I would definitely advise you to just turn your screen off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But to me, this looks and feels like a situation where people start reading your book over your shoulder. That is annoying behavior and I can certainly understand your wish to address it, instead of just stopping to read your book.&#xA;You're not asking &lt;em&gt;'how to enforce privacy in a public place'&lt;/em&gt;, you're asking how to make clear that you're uncomfortable with the behaviour.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I travel by public transport in the Netherlands a lot. I usually try using non-verbal communication first, since people using public transport sometimes explode really easily. And, on a full bus/train, sometimes people don't really have a choice, they can look at my phone, their feet or another person's ass. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, my first move upon noticing is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;turn my body a little away from them, if possible.* &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;turn my screen a little&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;start shielding the phone screen with my hand or if you have one of those book-like covers, the flap of that. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;* As pointed out in the comments, this wasn't meant to mean you turn your back on them. If there are 2 seats, and your neighbor is looking over your shoulder, you turn your upper body further away from them, and your legs/knees a bit more towards them. Basically, sit diagonally in your seat.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't do these things too subtle. Make it obvious you are shielding your screen, make it obvious that you noted their interest in your screen and are reacting to it. Usually, this works fine. Most people know it's impolite to look at someone else's screen and once they know you noticed they'll look away hurriedly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, there's always the incidental nosey person that will only become more curious about your activities when you try to keep them secret. For these situations, I always go very carefully. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to get a good feeling for your surroundings. Are there any people there that can help you if this person reacts badly to you asking to respect your privacy? Does the curious person gives you a creepy or dangerous vibe, or look like they are in a bad mood? Then you might want to just turn off your screen like you are doing now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to explain that you'd like to keep your privacy, but that is most likely to be rebuffed by 'then don't do privacy sensitive things in such a public place', especially if it's really busy. So, I generally &lt;strong&gt;avoid the word privacy&lt;/strong&gt; when it comes to asking people to look away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to verbally say something, I'd go with something that explains that you &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; they are looking at your screen, and that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel uncomfortable about it. Make it about you, and make sure to the mention the 'think' part to avoid sounding too accusatory:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, Sir/Madam, I get the impression that you're very interested in what's on my screen, but it's making me rather uncomfortable. Would you mind looking the other way? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they refuse, promptly turn off your device and start staring out the window. Don't try to have a last word about them being rude, just use your body language. That will prevent things from escalating further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T12:25:41.440" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T12:25:41.440" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7781" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7773" CreationDate="2017-12-07T09:20:14.737" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Once grown up to full &lt;strong&gt;adulthood&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;maturity&lt;/strong&gt;, a problem between two people should be&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;solved by the two directly-involved people by talking to each other&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addressing a third party in day-to-day arguments sounds as childish as the case when two little brothers fight and one of them screams &quot;Mooooom!!! Bob is being mean to me, tell him to stop!&quot;.&#xA;This is also worsened by them addressing a person who should be and is too close to both parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, they need to prove their adulthood/maturity by learning to sit down and talk directly to each other and staring into each other eyes.&#xA;If that fails, address someone &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; more external than a son/daughter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That explained, in my opinion your answers could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Just be straightforward and declare your point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look mother/father, I love both of you equally, I can't get involved with this - I'm too close to both of you and this fighting upsets me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest that they take this dispute to someone who is truly impartial and can mediate properly.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom/dad, please, stop being childish, this is not the way to deal with problems at your age: every time you argue you act as two little brothers &lt;em&gt;[etc. see above]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;a combination of them both&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T08:43:07.483" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T08:43:07.483" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7782" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-07T09:25:40.073" Score="0" ViewCount="336" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it's ill-mannered to tell someone that is cleaning for you to do a better job. However, how can I tell them that they probably missed a spot, without offending them? For example, when they sweep the floor and miss bread crumbs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a student in university with my own office, so the cleaning person is not paid by me personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="337" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T14:13:22.663" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T14:13:22.663" Title="How to notifiy cleaning personnel that they've &quot;missed a spot&quot;" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2017-12-07T14:26:27.790" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7782" CreationDate="2017-12-07T09:34:32.150" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Normally you'd go through the department involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For us, it's the facilities department.  If something wasn't cleaned that should have been, I'll tell them.  It's then up to them how they convey that to the cleaning team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the cleaner is in the room with you and you see them missing something, then you could ask them if they could work a little harder on &quot;that&quot; spot.  Otherwise the cleaner might say &quot;Well, he/she watched me do that and didn't say anything&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T09:34:32.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7782" CreationDate="2017-12-07T09:38:26.870" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there are any serious health concerns, like if your office is adjacent to a lab that works with biological materials (and therefore probably warrants a more thorough cleaning process), it would be worthwhile finding the facilities manager or administrator of the building and asking them to remind the cleaners to take more care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's something a little less dangerous, it might be worth waiting to see if they miss it again, to see if they are deliberately doing so. Instead of saying &quot;this is something you should be doing&quot;, ask them if it is something they CAN do, so as to not come across as accusing. If the answer is no, have a word with the people above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will vary between university or what country you're in; when I was at university, we had cleaners that would clean the curtains, floor etc. but were not permitted to touch the electronics in any way. For some Health &amp;amp; Safety rule, specific cleaners were needed for those. Ask around and find out if any such rules apply for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T09:38:26.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7786" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2017-12-07T09:52:15.203" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 'Joe' and I have met many 'Joe's' over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are unlikely to be able to convince Joe he is not slow, even when presented with hard evidence he will come up with reasons why that is wrong or does not represent the norm.  Joe &lt;em&gt;knows&lt;/em&gt; he is slow and you telling him otherwise just means he hides it well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't try to change his mind. Instead, interpret why he is saying it: &quot;I am not confident in myself or my abilities&quot; and/or  &quot;I feel I provide minimal or negative value to the team&quot; and address that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Provide constant and consistent reinforcement&lt;/strong&gt; - Don't expect this to be &quot;Great Job Joe!&quot; and done - you will need to do it over the course of time - expect a year plus - after all, you're trying to change what is possibly a deeply held personal belief. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Redefine Joe's perception of value&lt;/strong&gt; - provide visibility of how his efforts benefit the team or you personally. Don't say &quot;You're not slow&quot; as this implies you value speed but disagree with his assessment. Say &quot;Who cares? So long as you get all your work done and to the good standard you are now you can be a one-finger typist for all I care&quot; - again, don't expect one-and-done.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Illustrate his value&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't just say &quot;Great Job Joe!&quot;, say &quot;Great Job Joe! Now I don't have to work unpaid overtime this weekend!&quot; or &quot;Thanks for that report. Now we have a much better chance of the director giving us the budget we need!&quot; -&gt; make it about you/the team/the company/anyone not Joe. If you can get your hands on some kind of tangible employee reward scheme for him this will help. Use it to reinforce the benefits to others again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Snark Knight suggested,  &quot;If I have any concerns, I'll speak to you long before they become problems.&quot; is very important for the reasons outlined&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't stress enough how much &lt;strong&gt;this needs repeating over time&lt;/strong&gt;. You are trying to change their perception of self worth without any idea what foundation that is built upon. No one should expect to say to a depressive &quot;Hey, cheer up, you'll feel better&quot; and expect to get in return &quot;Hey, you know what, you're right! Goodbye depression!&quot; (or any other mindset/belief) It's a long and arduous process for all involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what separates good managers from great ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3815" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T09:52:15.203" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7787" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2017-12-07T09:54:58.507" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As per &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/7709/7080&quot;&gt;your first comment to this answer&lt;/a&gt;, what &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; think about him and how &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; asses him is not relevant to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He keeps on using &lt;strong&gt;his own&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;unit of measurement&quot; to asses himself, and he is so consistent in this that he wouldn't bulge.&#xA;Besides, he might have goals/aims/personally-conceived-level-of-service higher than what you have for him: his performance is good in your eyes, it's not good in his ones, and you both make good points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it all boils down to &quot;different but equally-valuable personal opinions&quot;, and there's no reason for him to value your opinion over his own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I'm really afraid to say that, I think, &lt;strong&gt;you already did your best&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;&lt;em&gt;You've already told him several times&lt;/em&gt;, but yet he disagrees and you can't force your opinion into others' mind when they refuse it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that you dread him leaving the workplace, but it's all on him now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S.: I work in software development and I'm exacly as self-confidence-lacking as your colleague. So I do understand him entirely and I can confirm that, should he decide to quit, attempting to praise his skills against his opinion will not work at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T10:33:08.617" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T10:33:08.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7789" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7769" CreationDate="2017-12-07T10:54:24.253" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;These schemes are always revising their image so they seem like something new. Perhaps showing him some research on similar schemes would help? If you directly attack what he is doing now then he might take it personally. He needs to come to the realisation himself - you can only put the information in front of him and let him make his own choices. Showing him research from the past or other schemes might make him realise this is nothing new - companies have been making similar empty promises for decades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While there &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; people and schemes out there trying to rip you off, from my personal experience with 'pyramid schemes' as they are sometimes known I don't perceive &lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt; much personal risk. They promise people they can get rich off them, but only the people at the top of the scheme get rich. Those at the bottom don't so much &lt;em&gt;lose&lt;/em&gt; money, they just earn nothing or next-to-nothing. I'm not saying your friend &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; getting ripped off, I'm just suggesting that you may be worrying too much. If he's just selling stuff from a catalogue and taking a commission then there isn't too much outlay; all he may be wasting is his time, a bit of fuel in his car and whatever he's payed out for these 'seminars'. The worry is, as you say, if he is investing serious money into this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Has he tried to recruit you? A question you might ask him is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If this scheme is so good, should I do it too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's my experience with this: I got a phone call out of the blue from an old junior school friend I hadn't heard from in 20 years. This is a kid I played with when I was 10 years old - we hadn't stayed in touch through high school or beyond, we were barely acquaintances. He told me that he had a 'business proposition' for me, but wouldn't say over the phone what it was. Reluctantly I said he could come and see me. Twenty minutes later he turned up in a suit with a massive fake grin and an exaggerated handshake; he then tried to sign me up to selling 'Amway' products - one of the oldest and well known pyramid schemes. I asked him why, if this scheme was so good, was he trying to sell it to someone he hadn't spoken to in 20 years? If he believed it was so good, why not sell it to his close friends and family? If it was so safe, why can't you sell it to a complete stranger in the street?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's the point - the reason they try to sell it to people they 'kinda know' is because it is part of the confidence trick - turn up 20 years later in a smart suit and look like you've been amazingly successful. Of course they won't call it a 'confidence trick' at the seminars your friend is attending - they will call it 'networking', encouraging them to reach out to the wider network of people they already know beyond their immediate family and close friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just my experience - there will be countless more online. Read up a bit and through questions like the one above try and get him to reason this out himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this information helps you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T13:35:53.573" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T13:35:53.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7774" CreationDate="2017-12-07T11:12:07.447" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why not being polite but direct?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I beg your pardon... I'm going through private stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note how this is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;not rude but kind (&quot;beg your pardon&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;making that person aware that they should stop (&quot;private stuff&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And rotate yourself/your phone a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, joking a bit, as I remember reading on a random post on G+:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;open Google search page and slowly type &quot;How to kill a stranger that is looking at my smartphone.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T11:12:07.447" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7775" CreationDate="2017-12-07T12:37:03.937" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having taught in both the US and UK, my experience is that most former students address me by my title and Surname on first instance of meeting again. In the UK context this is less uncomfortable than the more formal greeting, &quot;Hello, Sir&quot; and in the US it goes the other direction on the familiarity scale as it doesn't assume anything other than the former professional relationship.  This &quot;middle of the road&quot; approach allows the teacher to invite a more informal approach, and usually doesn't show any more than politeness (rather than deference) by the former student. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, I use this approach myself with my former teachers (even though I am in my 50s). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="64" LastEditorUserId="64" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T14:12:43.617" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T14:12:43.617" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7765" CreationDate="2017-12-07T15:57:32.190" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who (while being told of Santa) was never told anything of entities like the tooth fairy or Easter Bunny, I encountered this sort of attitude from adults when I was young. I would say that the approach would need to be adjusted based on who you were speaking to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With strangers I think it would be best to simply smile and mention &quot;Oh, we don't really go in for all that&quot; or something similarly vague but still friendly. This helps in case there are other children in the vicinity and you aren't pushing your beliefs on anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be best to let friends/family know in advance if possible. When it isn't I would again go with the first method if their kids are with them but just be direct if not. As long as you are pretty matter of fact about it, they should be quite understanding. Over-explaining your reasoning is unnecessary and can risk making you come across as &quot;holier than thou&quot;, which you want to avoid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9711" LastEditorUserId="11262" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T11:41:56.090" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T11:41:56.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7774" CreationDate="2017-12-07T16:42:07.617" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There might not be a good interpersonal solution, since even if there was a good way you could convince some people to not look at your phone the next time you're on the train you'll get a fresh new set of strangers who you didn't have a conversation with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, if you want you can try to look them right in the eye when you see them do it, hoping that they realize that you see what they are doing and would be a bit embarrassed, but that could be a double edged sword as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally the most effective way for me is stand (not sit) with my back to the wall, but that's what I tend to do on the train anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T16:42:07.617" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7652" CreationDate="2017-12-07T16:45:07.477" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It doesn't seem to me that she's worried about the gifts you give her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smart spending is just something people look for in someone they're going to share a bank account with. The only thing that varies is people's understanding of what &quot;smart spending&quot; is. It seems she doesn't think $60 for an emote is smart spending, even if it's a gift for someone you love. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there any way I can convince my girlfriend that she should not worry about the gifts I give her? Or should I accept that it makes her feel uneasy and stop giving her gifts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither. You should figure out what gifts she likes and stick to those. She's already given you a hint that this involves her thinking the item is worth its price. When giving gifts, sometimes a thoughtful cheap gift is valued more than even an equally thoughtful expensive gift. Expensive gifts are problematic for a multitude of reasons*, so best steer clear of them for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above applies to 90% of women and men you'll ever be romantically involved in, the amount of money she grew up with is of little relevance here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Some of the reasons are: One sided, partner cannot reciprocate. Implies purchase of affection (or other &quot;services&quot;). Creates guilt in partner. The timing of few large gifts may result in an unintentional and unfortunate pattern the partner might notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T00:34:56.127" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T00:34:56.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7807" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7699" CreationDate="2017-12-07T17:42:06.950" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you need to establish ground rules:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Does each of you get a piece of the counter, your own chair in the living room, etc., or is it a combined space ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then there's the cleaning up question ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do you touch each other's stuff, or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then there's the responsibility for cleaning and breakage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Between which hours is noise accepted: like Stereos (or headphones only), dishwasher, washing machine (is the dryer OK because it's quiet, or is your room adjacent), etc.,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's much better to discuss these things in the first place rather than attempting to bring it up after the fact. Remember that they might have their own list that they've been keeping quiet about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally when you live (or are) with others you would want to be considerate - that means that the other person will not have cause to complain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often when you try to bring these matters up late there's a fair bit of push-back, often covered by forgetfulness or doing it anyway and attempting to renegotiate what was already agreed upon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How many roommates and how aligned are the others is also a consideration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You grind, she blends. You take the space of two machines, she stacks them into the space of one. Do you wash late, she washes late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes you need a third party (landlord or neighbour) to hear this and offer some assistance, sometimes you need to move and visit your friends at a mutually convenient time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to live with people and scratch my head about things from time to time but there were never problems. Now I live alone. The peace and quiet makes me wonder why I ever put up with some of the things that I wondered about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ensure you are part of the solution and never part of the problem. After you've finished grinding could your grinder be put away in a cupboard, freeing precious counterspace? Can you grind up a bag when she's out, so you've never a source of excess noise? Etc.?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T17:42:06.950" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7808" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7878" CreationDate="2017-12-07T18:24:44.857" Score="2" ViewCount="693" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I previously asked, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/7699/how-can-i-ask-my-housemate-to-put-my-things-back&quot;&gt;How can I ask my housemate to put my things back?&lt;/a&gt; Someone suggested that I could have avoided ever needing to solve this problem by establishing boundaries early on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also looking for a new house with established housemates right now. I'm using a website and I'm refining my marketing boundaries. I'm also refining the initial message I send.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An answer in the linked question suggested setting boundaries such as tidiness and noisiness early. Another commenter suggested that it could be annoying if I ask for too much too early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I establish my boundaries early on in the process of moving in with new housemates while not creating problems?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9959" LastEditorDisplayName="user9959" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T23:01:25.737" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T18:40:18.887" Title="Housemates, setting boundaries early" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7765" CreationDate="2017-12-07T19:26:39.693" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your kids are pretty small, but - as a parent of an 15-month-old and a friend to someone who regularly posts &quot;Stuff my toddler says&quot; quotes on Instagram - I'm constantly surprised at how kids are able to respond to these things on their own if we let them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're responding for them, which may be okay for the two-year-old (and your special needs children) depending on how much they're talking, but I'd let your four-year-old respond on their own... with the caveat that I'm assuming that part of what you teach them about Santa Claus is the mythos of him delivering presents to all of the children around the world but that reality is that those presents are actually provided by the children's family, not Santa himself and that in your household, you've decided that the family should get the credit, not Santa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your children understand the story and the history of Santa, I think that they'll be able to respond to this themselves and I would personally find it very amusing to hear what they have to say about it. You could even include a discussion of this and how to respond to questions about Santa in your chat about who he is and how other families celebrate Christmas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once your child/children responds, go from there. If they say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Santa doesn't bring us presents, Mommy and Daddy do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know that you need to say much of anything, though you certainly &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; explain how you celebrate gift giving in your home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, instead they say something that shows that they're confused, you can rephrase the question as you have been. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kids, particularly really small ones like yours, get away with a lot of &quot;precocious&quot; things that, from an adult would be considered &quot;rude&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, TL;DR: prepare your kids for this situation and give them a chance to respond on their own. If they need help, do a little mopping up or rephrasing.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T19:26:39.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7774" CreationDate="2017-12-07T19:34:31.567" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, don't leap to judgment that they are intentionally surveilling you.  It may be hard for you to realize this, since you have a smart device to stick your nose into.  But many people either don't... or have good reasons not to, such as they are standing and need to hold onto stanchions, or are retaining their situational awareness against pickpockets, gropers and the like.  This can be even moreso if they are standing and you are seated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, there's often &lt;strong&gt;nowhere else to put your eyes&lt;/strong&gt;, which wouldn't have the same effect on somebody else.  You don't want to make direct eye contact, so faces are right out.  Staring at the Sikh's robes is no good either, as it makes them feel judged and unwelcome in society. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, just because their face is aimed your way does not mean they are looking, or processing what they see.  Most people are not aiming to snoop, but they have to aim their face somewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then you have this shiny flashy thing that &lt;strong&gt;catches the eye&lt;/strong&gt;, begs to be looked at, and &lt;em&gt;is not&lt;/em&gt; direct eye contact, a minority person, a child, a crotch or breasts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;All that to say...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; any IPX approach you take &lt;em&gt;which presumes intentional snooping&lt;/em&gt; is wrong out of the gate.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the first step is to ask yourself if you're being oversensitive.  Second, ask whether it's really good etiquette to use your smart device in this way in such close quarters - good question.  Maybe they are staring &lt;em&gt;to judge you and make you feel uncomfortable so you'll stop&lt;/em&gt;.  It is definitely rude to let it play sounds, or to use &quot;overloud, leaky headphones&quot;, you know the ones.  Or do very flashy things, or have it much too bright for conditions, and I don't need to tell you not to view porn or radically offensive content.  I realize that's int&lt;em&gt;ra&lt;/em&gt;-personal advice, so off-topic here... but it could obviate the following.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, move, tilt or shield your screen... And &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; be subtle, so they do not feel like you're accusing them of snooping, which as I said is a nonstarter.  If they are inadvertently staring, this will jar them out of it and they will stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then dim your screen down so it's not so bright.  If it's slightly hard for you to see, it'll be harder for them to see.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then change your content - either look at things you just don't care if they snoop, like the New York Times, or something impossibly tedious to a spectator like Farmville or any of the &quot;Quest: bring me 10 rat ears (and most rats don't have ears)” type RPG games.  Or something so impossibly technical or boring-to-outsider that the snooper can't follow it, like TeX or Code Golf or whatever you're into.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or load up serialized episodic content like Orphan Black or HPMOR that you can't possibly understand without the full backstory.   If you speak a foreign language, switch to content in that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be annoying to have to shake off snoopers, but first, they probably aren't, and second, it's the ultimate &quot;first world problem&quot; - in 1949 you would be another hat and newspaper in a trainload of hats and newspapers.  Instead you have this smart device to play with, to be a victim of that makes no sense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T19:48:09.807" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T19:48:09.807" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2017-12-07T20:25:10.917" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;David's answer seems the best to me so far and I'm talking from another &quot;Joe's&quot; point of view - I am one myself. While I do, in all modesty, a great job at my academic work - I graduated with full honours, being one out of two students to ever achieve maximum grades for Master's in the entire history of my institution - I still need constant reassurance about the work I'm doing there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is since but a few weeks that I start to realise the true problem. While I do a good job at my job, I do not do so at home. Important things, to me, my family and friends, are left undone for weeks or even months. People keep asking for it, I forget them, I'm too lazy or I'm afraid to confront people who are doing wrong while I should. Being reassured at work compensates for this obvious issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could Joe have a similar problem? Could it be that he is great at his job - but severly lacks the skills in other important aspects of his life? It might be helpful to talk this through. I'm pretty certain that somewhere in his life there is a huge black hole of constant failure. And instead of fixing it, he prefers the easy way: Get reassured about what he already knows he'll do well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10059" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T20:25:10.917" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7812" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7773" CreationDate="2017-12-07T21:42:55.533" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way is to be straightforward, and assertive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know I love both of you and it hurts me to see you fighting.  I will listen to both of you and not take sides and it is not fair for you to ask me to do so.  You are my parents, please don't put me in this position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This starts out in a positive way, then plainly states the effect it has on you, then sets boundaries.  You are telling them that you love them but this behavior is out of bounds.  You are also reminding them of your roles in the parent/child relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T21:42:55.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7813" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7774" CreationDate="2017-12-07T22:05:50.273" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hate it when people seem to be reading over my shoulder, either my tablet/phone or my monitor at my desk.  I know they usually aren't actively snooping, but that doesn't make the uncomfortable feelings go away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, they aren't always &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; reading over my shoulder; sometimes they're staring into space in my general direction, sometimes they're looking at something past me, and sometimes they're just attracted by the bright display and it's unconscious.  But we're talking about how it &lt;em&gt;feels to the recipient of the attention&lt;/em&gt;, not &lt;em&gt;why they do it&lt;/em&gt;, and to you (and me) it feels wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing I always try when I'm in this situation is to change my posture somehow.  If I can turn my body just a bit so that the &quot;natural&quot; position of the other's gaze isn't right into my phone, that's often sufficient.  But if the person follows my change, or is leaning in close enough to invade personal space, then I go to my second option: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I help you with something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This signals to the other person that he might be pushing too far, without making any accusations.  For me this usually gets the person to sit back a little more or look elsewhere.  One time the person &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; ask for help -- he was lost and noticed I was looking at a map on my phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-07T22:05:50.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7814" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-07T22:34:19.493" Score="2" ViewCount="755" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 17 years old and live in Austria. I currently attend the 4th grade at my &quot;Highschool&quot;. Since I was 4 years old, I have problems with depression and other mental illness-stuff. In my second year I talked to a guidance counselor/teacher of my school and I was hospitalised in a psychiatric care, where I had to stay for 4 months (which is above average, I think).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another student of my class, also spent a few weeks in a psychiatric care. After my discharge, the problems got worse, new problems came and until now, no therapist could help me. I tried to talk to my teacher again but he always says that he thinks I'm fine now and much more stable than the other student (who has to go to the psychiatric care very often).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I &quot;convince&quot; my teacher, that I'm absolutely not fine and not feeling any better and think I would be better back in treatment. He says I'm feeling better because I think about going to university now, which I didn't do two years ago. Back then, I was only in 2nd grade with 3 more years to come, so in my opinion too early to think about university or work after school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4263" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-12-07T23:28:45.947" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T04:51:42.430" Title="How can I convince my teacher that I'm still suffering from mental illness, despite him insisting I'm over it?" Tags="&lt;teachers&gt;&lt;depression&gt;&lt;teenagers&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-08T06:11:40.663" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7774" CreationDate="2017-12-08T00:16:39.087" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most people looking at your screen really don't care what you are doing, aren't really paying attention and are only looking because they have to look somewhere, and your screen has colours and movement.  It is a mere fact of life that if you pull out your phone on public transport, people who are facing your phone will look at it, usually with casual glances but occasionally with an ongoing, bored, tuned-out stare that may look like they are paying more attention than they really are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simplest options likely to cause least awkwardness:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try not to care.  As long as you're not looking at anything likely to cause offence, someone seeing what's on your phone is of no real consequence.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Move somewhere else: take a different seat, or stand, in a position where fewer people can see.  Stand against a wall.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Stop using the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell people that it is not okay for people to be watching what other people are doing on their mobile phones or devices without their permission?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with this is that what they are doing is not something that is out of the ordinary in that setting, and not something which requires permission.  They aren't peering through your front curtains of your home or sneaking a look under your bathroom stall, you are essentially displaying your phone screen to them while they sit where they would have sat anyway.  I fear that any attempt to tell someone off for looking and what you are openly displaying to them is going to create more tension, rather than dispel it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also another obvious downside to saying anything out loud: it will instantly raise the curiosity of everybody within earshot.  Suddenly everybody around you will be curious about what you're doing on your phone, and will want to sneak a glance.  You're creating interest in what is on your phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; generally considered impolite for someone to stare at you for a length of time, and this can often be averted if they noticed you &quot;catch&quot; their gaze and look back at them, but that is less likely to work when it's your phone, and not your face, that they're staring at.  They may not notice you catching their gaze because they don't really see your eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line is, a situation where you are forced to sit relatively close to people such as on public transport is pretty much the last place you should expect any kind of privacy whatsoever; if you are at all uncomfortable with anybody seeing what you are doing on your phone, you'll just have to wait until you are basically anywhere else but there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T00:16:39.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7814" CreationDate="2017-12-08T01:44:45.887" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In most countries, the diagnosis of health-issues is performed by health professionals like general physicians, psychiatrists and psychologists. &#xA;They are also in charge of providing proper treatment or give directions on how to get proper treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sure that this is the case in Austria, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is simply not within the scope of a teacher’s skills to assess a health condition, or if you are “over it” or not. The teacher’s assessment of being “over it” is to be seen as a personal opinion of that person, even if it is expressed as an emanation of eternal truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also advise to not compare your situation to another pupil’s situation, as people, their health issues and healing processes tend to be highly individual. Being in hospital for 4 months compared to 6 months has no real meaning beyond a mathematical difference of 2 months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take into consideration that information about health issues is a vital part of privacy and therefore protected by strong legislation in the EU. Sharing confidential information without consent is probably illegal, but certainly unethical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is necessary to prove that your mental health condition is preventing you from attending classes, perform exams etc., you might want to see an expert and get 1. a proper certificate for your school and 2. proper treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T03:59:56.977" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T03:59:56.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7773" CreationDate="2017-12-08T01:57:30.327" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would recommend not only to stop taking sides, but stop listening to them complaining about the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Listen, I am your child, you are my mum, I don’t want to know about your issues with dad, nor can I help you to resolve this.&#xA;  Being told such things is putting me into the position of a referee, a psychologist or a judge, but I am none of this but your child.&#xA;  What do you think about what I just said?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T01:57:30.327" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7773" CreationDate="2017-12-08T02:02:17.230" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;What's going on is called &quot;triangulation&quot;.  In a dispute, sometimes one or both of the parties will attempt to draw a third party into the dispute to make them feel like their position is stronger.  Often they will use your relationship, guilt, or anything available to them to get you into the middle of their issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is to recognize when this is going on, which it sounds like you have done.  One thing I've seen done, especially in the workplace, is to say, &quot;I'd rather not talk about someone when they can't defend themselves.&quot;  That quite often draws that conversation to a close.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a married couple, that's harder because feelings run stronger.  To keep out of the middle of this will require a lot of determination on your part and willingness to not accept guilt that will be thrown at you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, when they start talking about the other, stand your ground.  &quot;Mom/Dad, I'm both of your child.  I realize things are hard between you two, but I love you BOTH and can't get in the middle of this.&quot;  &quot;Mom/Dad, I understand you're having a rough patch.  I'm here for you but let's talk about how this affects you and not talk about the other person.&quot;  &quot;Look, this is tough on all of us.  By trying to get me to choose sides, you're just making this tougher on me.  I love you both and can't take sides in your issue.&quot;  And be firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you hear the &quot;if you really cared&quot; or &quot;don't you think that&quot;, the response needs to be firm as well.  &quot;if you cared about me, you wouldn't say 'if you cared'&quot;.  &quot;Don't I think that...?  What I think isn't relevant.  It's not happening to me; it's happening to you&quot;. You can love your parents yet still avoid being drawn in.  And if you can't avoid being drawn in, a month or two of stepping away may be necessary to keep your sanity. Remember this: you're their child, not their therapist.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have access to a minister or trained marriage and family therapist, a visit or two would be good for you.  They can help you learn more about triangulation and how to stay out of it, as well as give you more tools to deal with this.  If your parents' relationship is bad and not getting better, a therapist can help you deal with the next stage of their relationship, whatever that may be.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T02:02:17.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6202" CreationDate="2017-12-08T03:07:58.413" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;So what do you think IPS, how can I secure a seat to hang my heinie with minimal ill-effects on the person who has to move their bag?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could write to the transit company and ask that they consider signage and an advertising campaign such as the one enacted by Spain's Empresa Municipal de Transportes de Madrid (Spanish only, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.emtmadrid.es/Home&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;EMTMadrid&lt;/a&gt;) or the USA's Seattle &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.soundtransit.org/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Sound Transit&lt;/a&gt; system.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll leave &lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/hashtag/TransitTips?src=hash&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Sound Transit's tweets&lt;/a&gt; to explain &lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/SoundTransit/status/873226367164338176&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;why people might occupy an additional seat with their bag&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A polite image from their campaign asks people to place their bag under, not on, the seats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/nJDb7.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/nJDb7.png&quot; alt=&quot;Don&amp;#39;t be a seat hog.&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get a T-shirt or magnetic sign for your briefcase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain politely your needs and why your request is within reasonable norms. People may not like being reminded of rules or social norms, smiling while you speak calmly and politely may be more effective than many of the tactics that the OP choose to employ. They may be tired or unaware, much as you are tired of asking, assistance from the transit company can help convey the message politely that the bus is for everyone and that people who arrive first do not have a greater entitlement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="7238" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T03:44:05.223" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T03:44:05.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7823" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-08T06:45:30.127" Score="8" ViewCount="14817" Body="&lt;p&gt;I once read that in Canada, it is considered polite for men to rise when a woman leaves a room and men normally offer their hands to women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, &lt;strong&gt;what is the origin of this tradition?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10072" LastEditorUserId="10072" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T15:17:15.347" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T20:50:02.637" Title="Why do men rise when a woman leaves the room?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-10-15T08:26:07.190" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7824" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7828" CreationDate="2017-12-08T07:23:19.327" Score="6" ViewCount="763" Body="&lt;p&gt;At social events I have found I am some-what guilty of getting into in depth discussions that may occasionally drag the other person/s away from the main group. Most of the time this is fine, based off reactions of being asked to meet up after, get in contact, thanked for the chat I am fairly confident that they were glad to have gone in detail with whatever we were talking about, and I really enjoy it too! However, occasionally I have gotten the opposite sense, that they would have preferred to re-join the event and did not want to offend me and so they stay until something happens that gives them the opportunity to politely excuse themselves. This may not be for some time, and I certainly don't want to be holding anyone back from having a fun time so, that got me wondering about what I could do to &lt;em&gt;tactfully give them the chance to leave&lt;/em&gt; and not be worried about hurting my feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inviting more people to join the conversation so that it is less in depth and their is less pressure on the person to stay&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suggesting to do something else (like grab some of the provided food/drinks)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Directly asking if they wanted to keep talking about {X} or would rather rejoin the others&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these worked well at giving them the chance to leave, but have the downfall of making it noticeably harder to re-engage the conversation we were having and and &lt;strong&gt;enjoying&lt;/strong&gt;. (Note: The ideal is that we can both be confident that the other person wants to be having this conversation, and not have any interrupt at all.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When inviting others, the quality of the conversation is forcibly dropped and to resume the depth at which we were talking before would be to ostracise the people we just invited to talk with us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When suggesting to do something else, it takes a large break in the conversation and also sometimes even implies that &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; am making an excuse to leave the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Directly asking has a very clear awkward and jarring effect to the conversation that I would rather avoid by using some tactful IPS skills. ;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My question is:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tactfully give them a chance to leave the conversation, without compromising the conversation? &#xA;&lt;em&gt;(Edit: I specifically want to focus on how to keep the conversation going when I do this since more often than not they wanted to talk after all. Think of it this way: I &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; give them the chance to leave to avoid being rude, but I &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to try and preserve the great conversation we have been having)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T09:10:27.503" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T09:52:47.943" Title="How to tactfully give someone a chance to leave without compromising the conversation" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7826" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7823" CreationDate="2017-12-08T07:45:14.437" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not just a Canadian thing, this sign of courtesy exists in many countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mannersmentor.com/only-at-work/when-to-stand-and-why&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;When to Stand and Why&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why does it matter? What does it show?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Standing up sends a signal from across the room that you’re willing and eager to greet and welcome the other person into your here-and-now. It speaks well of you even before you’ve had an opportunity to say your first word because it shows by your action that you’re a welcoming person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether it’s a social conversation, a business meeting, or a meal, it sends the message that you’ve noticed the person(s) and they’re worth your effort to rise from your comfortable sitting position to meet and welcome them. When you stand, you literally rise to the occasion of showing respect to them. Here are additional skills for gracious greetings that will set you apart. And here’s what to do when you’re getting ready to introduce or greet someone and you realize you’ve forgotten the person’s name!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What Are the Current Best Practices for When a Man Should Stand?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.) The first time a man or woman joins your group at a business event. This could be at a dining table, at a boardroom table, near you at a reception or party, or even when someone joins your conversation in a public area like the lobby of a hotel or convention hall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2.) In a social setting, each time a woman joins or leaves your group. Yes, this does mean that if she goes to the bathroom four times, you have to stand eight times! This applies to more than dining tables; it also applies to when a lady is in your small group. An example would include six or eight people talking together in the living room of someone’s home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Grace Note: This doesn’t apply in workplace situations where you would stand just twice: first to initially greet her, and once when she departs at the end of the meeting, meal, etc. In business settings you rise just twice; you rise the first time to greet the person, male or female, and the second time to say goodbye.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3.) Socially and professionally, each time someone enters your office, or you’re introducing yourself or being introduced, or someone approaches you to talk. You certainly don’t need to stand each time an associate enters your office, although you can if you want. In some formal corporate cultures (these are rare in the US these days), associates will stand when a supervisor enters or leaves. Normally, that’s even reserved for high-ranking members of the corporation: CEO, CFO, board members, etc. In these instances, know your corporate culture and follow it. And when in doubt, err on the side of being polite to everyone, since none will mind that you were kind enough to rise to greet them!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4.) Every time you shake hands. You never want to shake hands while sitting. Because shaking hands is the only acceptable form of touch between people who aren’t intimate, you want to be at your best when shaking hands, and part of that includes standing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;5.) Anytime you’re saying hello or goodbye. Since we want to shake hands when we say hello and goodbye, we’ll want to be standing. (See number four above.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Origins&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the Wikipedia article on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chivalry&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Chivalry&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the later Middle Ages, wealthy merchants strove to adopt chivalric attitudes - the sons of the bourgeoisie were educated at aristocratic courts where they were trained in the manners of the knightly class. This was a democratisation of chivalry, leading to &lt;strong&gt;a new genre called the courtesy book, which were guides to the behaviour of &amp;quot;gentlemen&amp;quot;. Thus, the post-medieval gentlemanly code of the value of a man's honour, respect for women, and a concern for those less fortunate&lt;/strong&gt;, is directly derived from earlier ideals of chivalry and historical forces which created it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the origins of this and other etiquette-related mannerisms go back to the chivalric times of the Middle Ages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T08:04:59.737" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7824" CreationDate="2017-12-08T09:25:32.307" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What if you &lt;strong&gt;don't say&lt;/strong&gt; anything, but insert small breaks into the conversation. They needn't be long, just a few seconds, so that they are noticeable, but give both of you the opportunity to either carry on or suggest to do something else.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If the other person wants to end the conversation, they can make use of the short break, else they wait for you to say something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this requires some balancing - if the pause is too long, it becomes awkward and may appear as if you didn't want to go on, if it's too short, they won't even notice. So I really suggest maybe 2 or 3 seconds to make it appear as if you were a bit reluctant to say something or still had to think about it, then resume the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I admit I have usually a hard time coming up with numbers, as I would decide that intuitively, also based on the situation and, for example, body language and facial expression of the other person. Maybe choose a longer time.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just pause long enough, so that they could say something, if they wanted to. This is certainly tactful, if done right. It also hardly interrupts the conversation, in contrast to you saying something (and thereby distract from the topic yourself). If they don't jump on the occasion, presume they want to go on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would do it spread out over the discussion, to give them another chance from time to time. Probably not too often, as it would really become awkward and strange - but the time intervals very much depend on the situation. Short bursts bear the risk of stalling the discussion. You may give them another break shortly after one, if you really get the feeling that they would want to stop (and somehow forgot to make use of the first chance) or you have reasons to believe they would want a break now (e. g. again body language, or something else happening around you etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T09:52:47.943" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T09:52:47.943" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7830" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7831" CreationDate="2017-12-08T11:03:02.943" Score="50" ViewCount="61287" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the title says: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should you react if you notice someone taking pictures of you without your consent?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background: It happened to me yesterday on the bus that a woman, of about my age, sat across to me. At one point her cell phone flash light turned up for a split second which caught my attention. I noticed that she had her phone on the leg, slightly angled in a way that the rear camera was pointing at me while holding it with one hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't think much of it, phones can act up every now and then so I wondered if she was doing it intentionally but gave her the benefit of a doubt and didn't do or say anything. But then it happened &lt;strong&gt;again&lt;/strong&gt; just a few more stops down the road. At this point I was sure she was doing it on purpose as it was even more obvious. She didn't even turn off the camera flash and I started to feel uncomfortable about it. I am not a particular attractive guy and never experienced anything like this before so I was quite stunned and wondered what to do about it until she got out of the bus quickly after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for clarification: I never met or talked to her. I didn't even look at her until the camera flashed for the first time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10084" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T12:45:18.797" Title="How to deal with someone secretly taking pictures of you" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7831" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7830" CreationDate="2017-12-08T11:17:02.800" Score="90" Body="&lt;p&gt;You confront directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, do I know you? Are you taking photos of me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, do this if you're fairly sure someone is taking photos of you, but it does seem pretty likely to me from what you're saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In cases like this, directness is appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T11:17:02.800" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7832" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7835" CreationDate="2017-12-08T11:37:37.630" Score="20" ViewCount="6090" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 24 year old Indian girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days before, I got this message from one of my school friends in Facebook after a long long time. Back in school we were not that good friends or anything just that we used to talk at times. And while chatting he asked for my number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since he was my classmate (I do regard him as my friend), I gave him my number. So we were casually talking on WhatsApp about general stuff like what are you doing now and things like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then he asked me if I had had one night stands and I told him &amp;quot;No&amp;quot;. And after a while with a lot of build up (like can &amp;quot;I ask you something?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Don't tell anyone that I asked you this&amp;quot;) he asked me if I was still a virgin. I was taken aback. He then wanted to know why, to which I replied that I am waiting for my special someone. He went on to make fun of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if these questions offended me, but it definitely made me uncomfortable. He messages me out of the blue and asks me all these very personal questions when I was least expecting it. The thing is I let it pass because I didn't know how else to react since I have never been in this situation before. After that I started ignoring the messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So how can I respond to these kinds of questions?&lt;/strong&gt; I think it was inappropriate of him to ask me things like that, but I still kept mum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal:&lt;/strong&gt;  I would like to cut things off right then and there. But in a way that he won't get offended (I don't want to be rude or impolite even if he was) as there are chances that we might end up meeting each other at social gatherings. That said, I am not sure I want to be friends with him anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10080" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T18:43:55.667" Title="How to respond to questions that make one uncomfortable?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7832" CreationDate="2017-12-08T11:59:26.017" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this is largely a cultural thing, but it seems apparent that this guy is assuming that since you're not married, then you must be available and willing to sleep with him.  The fact you don't want this doesn't even compute in his mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, this is abusive and predatory behaviour and should not be tolerated. He's also attempting to shift the blame onto you for respectfully refusing his advances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him clearly that you're not interested in this line of conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please understand and take note, I'm not interested in you in this way - I don't feel comfortable talking about these subjects with you.  I don't want this kind of conversation to continue, please stop asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he continues his line of abuse, then simply delete his number and block him on social networks and carry on with living your life the way you want to live it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not give in to this kind of abuse, do not accept shaming for not giving in. You have control over who you interact with and on what basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T13:02:44.827" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T13:02:44.827" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7830" CreationDate="2017-12-08T12:01:37.223" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Asking that person directly if they are indeed taking pictures of you, and maybe continuing with asking &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; if they answer affirmatively, is probably a good way to clear up any doubts in your own mind about whether they are actually taking those pictures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may also serve to indicate to that person that you are not necessarily very happy with your picture being taken like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do bear in mind that you may have absolutely no right to insist they stop doing that or that they delete the pictures, depending on where you are. In many countries, one is allowed to take pictures of just about anything they like, as long as they don't need to trespass to take them. In some situations, taking pictures can still be explicitly forbidden (military installations and the like).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for people in the pictures, their portrait rights are usually only relevant if any publication of the picture would somehow present a problem (but even then there are things like the rights of the free press that can make it difficult to protest against pictures being taken).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A conscientious photographer will try to take into account the feelings of the subjects they photograph, and it certainly is not a bad idea to communicate those feelings in a non-aggressive way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I can not know what the aim was of taking your picture, but street  photographers have taking pictures of strangers for ages, and some of their pictures have become iconic. Henri Cartier-Bresson and Robert Doisneau certainly didn't always ask permission to take their pictures (before or after the fact).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1727" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T12:01:37.223" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7832" CreationDate="2017-12-08T12:03:09.630" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;Indian, male here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you don't owe any kind of explanation to anyone. It's your choice how you live or lead your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would most definitely suggest you to not interact with him anymore as you are not at all interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone asks very personal things out of the blue, It is better to give them a answer in a way that further refrains them from asking possibly these kind of awkward questions. Even better if you counter question them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, You have every right to block the person and don't engage with conversation with the person anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9401" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-12-08T12:04:01.500" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T12:04:01.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7832" CreationDate="2017-12-08T12:10:49.457" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I were in your situation, I'd ask myself what I get out of further interaction with him. I feel that the questions he asked you are very much out of line for... pretty much anything but the closest of friends. Going on to make fun of you for your sexual experiences (or lack of such) is also very rude, and usually beyond the boundaries of what's a normal conversation topics for not-that-close acquaintances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to stay in contact with him, you should make it very clear expect him not to make any further comments of this sort, and that you won't accept any further bullying of you either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to cut contact with him, I'd just stop talking to him, and if that doesn't work, block and / or report him on the social media platforms you communicate on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3192" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T12:10:49.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7830" CreationDate="2017-12-08T12:52:19.833" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short answer:  &lt;strong&gt;I would not waste energy trying to solve or worrying about this.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this day and age where virtually everyone has a video camera in their pocket, I would not concern myself with this &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt; as this is not any where near in your control.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are you going to do, confront everyone who could &lt;em&gt;potentially&lt;/em&gt; be taking a photo or video of you?  I would be more worried about the person who is taking photos or video of you with malice in mind and without you being aware.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMHO, photos and video being taken in a public or semi-public area is just something so common these days that it cannot be controlled and is becoming more and more a part of our lives.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact of the matter is that I agree with you in that they &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; not take a photo or video of you without your permission from a politeness perspective, but in any sort of public setting, you should assume you're on camera.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T17:27:49.123" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T17:27:49.123" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7832" CreationDate="2017-12-08T13:12:36.530" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As  you state, you should've ended it right then and there. However, you are blessed by hindsight, and in the moment, it can be hard to tell where something is going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some guys are quite forward, they may speak their mind straight up. Others tend to tip toe around the issue and probe you for information first (fear of rejection).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, keep an eye out for guys asking about your sex life and relational status, they aren't necessarily evil, but there is only one reason he contacted you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He obviously finds you desirable, but when someone you haven't seen in a long time, or never, contacts you, it is possible the person was browsing through friends and friends' friends, to find someone to contact, with the intent of a hookup. Now, just be wary, keep it in mind, but of course analyse each situation individually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to end all communication, a simple&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's personal, I don't really want to talk about it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will suffice, but frankly, don't be afraid to say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;None of your business!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3951" LastEditorUserId="3951" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T09:41:13.493" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T09:41:13.493" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7823" CreationDate="2017-12-08T14:29:32.537" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Imagine coming into a room where someone younger than you and more junior is lounging comfortably on a couch. They don't get up, don't change their position at all. Would you feel that was respectful? If you would feel a little insulted, then you understand the logic behind this very old rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rule has two parts. First, whenever someone &quot;above&quot; you comes into a room, stand up and greet them. When such a person leaves the room, stand up to say goodbye. Second, all women are &quot;above&quot; all men for the purpose of this rule, plus follow the hierarchy of your company (so eg your boss is above you, along with all your boss' bosses,) and as well people in various jobs (eg a judge, an elected member of parliament, a title-holder such as a Duke) are also above you. It's not that sitting is rude; imagine a king sitting on a throne while others respectfully approach. Sitting while another walks in is sort of asserting yourself to be above that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I live in Canada, I am a woman, and I don't believe anybody &lt;strong&gt;ever&lt;/strong&gt; stood up when I left, unless it was to get up out of their chair and give me a hug and say goodbye. I cannot remember how long ago people stopped standing when I came in, it did used to happen but does not any more. We're a pretty egalitarian society for the most part, so noticing and demonstrating who is above who doesn't happen too often. It is true, though, that if people are going to be introduced and shake hands, they stand up for that. Typically they &quot;cover it&quot; by moving closer so of course they had to stand up in order to walk. Just standing in place, or momentarily lifting out of the seat and down again, is something you see only in movies set in the 50s and 60s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T14:29:32.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7727" CreationDate="2017-12-08T16:17:37.753" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I were to ask a question like the ones above, and someone were to say that they wanted the last thing, what's the best way to respond?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rule here is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want the thing, but would happily give it to another if they asked for it, then you preemptively ask if anyone else would like it. If someone says &quot;Yes&quot;, &quot;I would&quot;, &quot;please&quot; or similarly makes their desire known, you give it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want the thing, but wouldn't want to give it to another if they spoke up, then you don't ask the question. Simply take the item and move on with life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the power is within your hands from the beginning.  You don't ask in the first place if you haven't already decided to give it away.  If you do ask, you must follow through and give it away if someone speaks up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T16:17:37.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7830" CreationDate="2017-12-08T18:09:52.657" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Know your local laws.&lt;/strong&gt; If taking pictures in public without consent is legal, you should definitely not make a scene yourself. The internet is full of videos of people doing that, and you don't want to be part of that. If it is illegal, you should still avoid making a scene because they will still likely post it online. Don't feed the trolls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me re-emphasize: &lt;strong&gt;Do not confront them!&lt;/strong&gt; If you do, it is much more likely that you will create interesting content for them to share with the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, it is rude for people to take pictures of you without your consent. Two ways to keep people from recording you are to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it difficult to record you. You can leave, put a barrier between you and them, or angle your body differently.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make yourself less interesting. If your appearance is conspicuous because of an injury, out of place garb, disheveled grooming, etc. you can try to cover this up if possible. If your behavior is conspicuous, then you can try mirroring the people around you. The more you fit in with those around you, the less likely people will be to record you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T07:17:22.887" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T07:17:22.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7832" CreationDate="2017-12-08T18:17:21.410" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may not always exactly meet your stated goal of &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;cutting things off right then and there&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;, but it can and is useful under many circumstances:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask a counter question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dude: Did you ever have a one-night stand?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You: Why do you want to know that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dude: Are you still a virgin?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You: Why are you asking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or more directly challenging his approach (thanks to @EnglishStudent for noting how good the question is):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Do you think it's appropriate to ask such a question?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pros:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't give away information.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may end the discussion right then and there, because considering the nature of the questions, they will probably lack a good way to explain themselves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You remain polite. For sure, when someone requests information from you, you have a right to know why - you never know whether they have good intentions or not. Imagine a stranger asking you how much money you carry with you... Oftentimes, the reason for asking is clear and people are polite, so a counter question is often unnecessary or may even appear rude (imagine someone asking for direction, or someone asking you if they can help you if you are clearly in distress etc.). But the more impolite the question, the more polite the counter question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may actually find out the reason why they are asking. In rare cases, e. g. an &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/66377/what-is-the-xy-problem&quot;&gt;XY problem&lt;/a&gt;, it may indeed be helpful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It makes it easier to end the discussion without appearing too rude. You have a right to know, so if they try to avoid answering (e. g. &amp;quot;Why do you ask?&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;Why don't you want to tell me?&amp;quot; or making fun of you), &lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; are becoming even more rude. Then you can end the discussion, maybe even in a friendly way (&amp;quot;Have a nice day!&amp;quot; and not answer to messages anymore).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's frustrating: They did not only not get an answer, they now have to come up with a way to keep the discussion going. You, on the other hand, can simply insist on wanting to get a satisfying answer, if you want. That's also why it is not well-liked in the cases I mentioned at the end of bulletpoint 3 (&amp;quot;Excuse me, where is the next public bathroom?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Why do you want to know that?&amp;quot;). But in the situation you described, it's perfectly fine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In my opinion, it's generally useful to keep counter questions in mind. In your question, you noted how you were &lt;em&gt;least expecting&lt;/em&gt; the questions, and at minimum a counter question gains you some time to adapt to the situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are flexible, e. g. above I gave examples of how to react to the questions directly, but you described how he introduced the virgin-question. Now, your counter question could target a weak spot there instead, e. g.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dude: Don't tell anyone that I asked you this!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Dude: Are you still a virgin?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You: Why don't you want me to tell anyone about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's even more of a deflection and you may be better able to bring to light how problematic his behavior is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A Challenge&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As @Neinstein noted, the other person can answer your counter question with a non-answer like &amp;quot;Just curious. So, are/did you?&amp;quot; and so the ball is right back in your court again.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Still, you were polite in giving them a chance to explain themselves, you now know even better with how rude aperson you are dealing there, you gained time to think up a good response and all other options are still on the table:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can counter with another question as there are enough targets (&amp;quot;Do you ask other people...?&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;Why are you curious about me?&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;Why me?&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;Why now?&amp;quot; etc.).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can use one of the other suggested approaches to end the conversation, e. g. like in Snow's answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can directly use their answer to end the discussion - as @DanielWagner suggested in a comment: &amp;quot;Okay. I am not responsible for or interested in sating your curiosity.&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T18:35:17.607" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7850" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-08T18:34:37.833" Score="7" ViewCount="733" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am coming from an oriental culture. It's a sign of appreciation to invite friends for beers, coffees etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, I am living in France. I have lots of friends from here. I still enjoy inviting my friends, but recently I realized that nobody puts their hands in their pocket when we are paying, 90% of the time I pay the bills. I suspect that they are waiting for me to pay which offends me. Appreciation is not a business. I understand cultures are different, however, I don't understand why nobody bothers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I do? Am I being taken advantage of (which will disappoint me)? Am I overreacting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am 22 btw.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10108" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T14:33:26.363" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T14:33:26.363" Title="How to handle friends who never invite?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2017-12-11T14:24:12.817" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7830" CreationDate="2017-12-08T19:21:25.920" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore it.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As other have commented/answered, in general in public places you have limited/no rights to not be photographed by anyone in particular. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, there are accessibility options on both iPhone and Android that allow deaf/hard of hearing people to use the camera flash as a way of notifying them of an incoming message. I have seen many people, use this option even if they can hear just fine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At this point I was sure she was doing it on purpose as it was even more obvious. She didn't even turn off the camera flash and I started to feel uncomfortable about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without having seen her screen, you do not know if she in fact was taking a photo, and so you could not know her actions or intentions. Given that she could have a legitimate need for the accessibility option on her phone, you could look like quite the fool picking a fight with a deaf person over a notification flash. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10109" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T19:21:25.920" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7852" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7830" CreationDate="2017-12-08T19:44:22.653" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just wanted to add a few words from a photographer's point of view. I'm an [amateur] street photographer. This, virtually by definition, means that I take pictures of people in public places without their permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd encourage you to consider the possibility that the photographer had very little interest in you personally, or your appearance. It's quite possible that she was simply capturing an interesting lighting scenario, or an amusing juxtaposition of passengers' profiles with a billboard outside, or...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I realize that some people will be uncomfortable if they realize they're being photographed. You could just ask her, as others suggested. (I always stop if anyone notices and asks.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another simple option might be to move slightly (may or may not be feasible on a crowded bus). I noticed someone photographing me in an airport, and simply moved to different part of the waiting area. This was simple and easy (especially as I, a young woman, wasn't comfortable confronting the older male photographer). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10110" LastActivityDate="2017-12-08T19:44:22.653" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7850" CreationDate="2017-12-08T21:41:00.303" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand cultures are different, however, I don't understand why nobody bothers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In French culture, it's considered vulgar/rude/distasteful to talk about money in public, so the idea of itemizing the bill and everyone paying their share only isn't really practiced. Instead, depending on the number of people attending, the group will talk about who's going to take care of the bill for everyone else. In this way, the mentioning of money, and/or the act of being &amp;quot;frugal&amp;quot;, is avoided. If the group is large, then people usually split the bill evenly, regardless of who ordered what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're hanging out with the same [smaller than larger] group of people, then friends will take typically take turns paying the bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful in how you ask your friends to dinner though.. if you're always directly inviting the group by using a phrase like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Je voudrais vous inviter au restaurant. [I would like to invite you to the restaurant.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then it's assumed that you're going to take care of the bill. Instead, you should perhaps use a more casual phrase like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On se fait un resto ce soir? [Are we going to a restaurant tonight?]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, it's unclear who's paying, and so, there's good chance that a conversation will be had in order to determine who should pay. And, since you most likely paid the time before, if they're actual friends of yours, none of them should look to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without knowing the verbiage of how you've been asking them to dinner, I can't say with confidence if you should let this get to you or not. I do recommend though that you keep an open mind about it, and regardless of the outcome, take this as a learning experience for a culture that you're still adapting to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, in the future, you start hanging out with other people, and those people don't act like the current group [and are more generous when it comes to the bill], then I think that will be most revealing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pro tip&lt;/strong&gt;: If you want to avoid this situation altogether, then, from time to time, tell your friends that you have to leave early (just make up some excuse), but, before doing so, go to the waiter/waitress and tell them you only had &amp;quot;this&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;that&amp;quot;, and make sure to leave that amount of money on the table just before you head out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if you don't want to lie to your friends, simply say that you're going to the restroom, and while you're away from the table, pay the host your portion of the bill. When it comes time for the bill, simply tell your friends that you already took care of your share. Depending on how you say this, and, &lt;em&gt;if your friends &lt;strong&gt;expect&lt;/strong&gt; you to pay&lt;/em&gt;, they will either be 100% okay with this, or, they'll be a little passive aggressive about it, and/or change their behavior in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;But, again, it largely depends on how you've been asking them..&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2777" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T00:23:08.697" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7727" CreationDate="2017-12-09T00:56:49.133" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you offer someone the last of something and they say yes, then either give it to them or (if you wanted some) say &quot;Alright, I'll split it with you.&quot; or &quot;Ok, mind if we split it?&quot;  If they're bold enough to say, &quot;No! I want the whole thing!&quot; then just give it to them and remember to word your question better in the future. A better way to phrase the question may be as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find the last donut (or whatever) on a plate and you'd really like some of it, it may be best to ask: &quot;Does anyone want half of a donut?&quot; If someone says yes, cut it in half and give it to them while keeping the other half for yourself. If no one wants it, you get the whole donut. That way, you are able to be courteous by offering the last of the food, without losing the opportunity to eat some of it. Win-win in my book! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10120" LastEditorUserId="10120" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T01:12:51.033" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T01:12:51.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7775" CreationDate="2017-12-09T01:20:31.987" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would address them in the same way you used to address them, regardless of how much time has passed of how the power difference has disappeared/changed. This is the best default, because this is how you're used to addressing them. There could also be some charm or nostalgia to it. If they'd prefer to be called by their first name, they'll feel free to say so. That could even lead to a light-hearted exchange about how much time has passed, how different things are now, etc. By contrast, if you use their first name out of the gate but they wish you'd address them differently, they probably won't let you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10122" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T01:20:31.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7830" CreationDate="2017-12-09T01:50:29.163" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd simply grin, raise your hands and act like you're photobombing your own picture!  If they are trying to take your picture without your consent that will likely immediately turn them off as now you obviously know what they are up to.  You also avoid any awkward confrontations and have a little fun with it at the same time.  If they had no interest in actually taking a picture of you, they will probably completely ignore you and move on with life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10125" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T01:50:29.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7830" CreationDate="2017-12-09T03:12:18.790" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be polite, non-accusatory, and mention that a flash went off on their phone; ask if they took a photo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might be able to leave it at that, the people next to you might object now that you have pointed it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask if they took a photo of you. They might say no, that it was something behind you, the person next to you, or yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you object to a photo being taken you could say so, or first enquire about the purpose of the photo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do object you can ask that they delete it, and they can refuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they took a photo of you, you ask for it to be deleted, and they refuse, you could take a photo of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in a public place there's not much you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[I read Article 9 of the French Civil Code and spent some time searching before giving this answer. This site is limited to interpersonal skills and doesn't serve as a forum for legal or other advice. I have limited my responses to that.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T03:12:18.790" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7830" CreationDate="2017-12-09T06:22:03.600" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since the question was tagged France, where the article someone else cited suggests that consent is required, I think I would pull out my phone and take a few pictures of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now she has a problem: She can say she does not give consent to which you retort, &quot;Nor do I!&quot;  Or she can worry for a few days what you are going to do with those photos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, she's likely to stop photographing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come to think of it, I might even cross the aisle and take a selfie &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt; her.  :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="416" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T06:22:03.600" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7861" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-09T08:39:49.023" Score="10" ViewCount="1058" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know someone from a chat service I am on. We are not close friends; in fact, we barely know each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We ended up in a brief private message. In a tangent related to what was being discussed in chat at the time, in which I was only vaguely participating, they began to dump medical history, anxieties, insecurities, concerns, ongoing struggles, major life events, and traumas to me. This came out of the blue, and was entirely unexpected. I didn't invite this, and it has now happened multiple times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not emotionally equipped to support them. I'd want to - they definitely need some kind of support. But I would be grossly overextending myself in doing so, and I can't put time or energy into it. Additionally, many of these things are not actionable. There's nothing to do about it - it's just venting. But it's venting that gives them panic attacks, and which they're not dealing with in a healthy way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of this, I'm already in support relationships with too many others. As a result, as unfortunate as it is, I have to draw a line: my private messages are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; open for me to support them. I might still chime in if there's something specific and tangible I could help with, and I see it elsewhere. But otherwise... I can't do this job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to send this signal to them in a plain and clear way. I want to do it in a way that doesn't hurt &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; - make them feel rejected, like they're a burden, or otherwise worsen their current state. If I felt that simply not responding would do that, I'd go for it. But I don't think it will. So I have to say &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt;, but I have no idea what. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do in this situation to signal that I'm not open to hearing and supporting this at this time, in a way that's reasonably sensitive to their currently fragile state?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10134" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T09:52:45.470" Title="How do I gently communicate to someone online that I'm not open to supporting them?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;chatting&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7864" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7868" CreationDate="2017-12-09T12:55:25.057" Score="5" ViewCount="1113" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm living with my friends (one from primary school (so we are close, I can say anything we'll be fine)) others are his 2 friends from college. I've been living with them about 1 year (talking about 2 other guys). I really love them, but sometimes they come into my room, sit and talk about politics for example, even if I'm talking to someone on the phone and even if I'm not joining their conversation, just doing my stuff on my PC, or studying. Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely ignoring them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason why I'm asking this here, I did stay with them for a while before I moved in. I mean I haven't paid anything in that period of time. They are kind, good people, they welcomed me back then, now I cannot ask them to reduce the time they spend in my room. I hope you people won't misunderstand me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10140" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T14:28:40.523" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T18:43:06.347" Title="How do I kindly stop my friends from hanging in my room too much?" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7861" CreationDate="2017-12-09T13:54:37.857" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One technique that is useful in situations such as yours is to speak only about yourself and how you feel about supporting anyone rather than why you can't support &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt; specifically. Now there is no sure way to communicate what you want without any chance of them being hurt as everyone is different and they &lt;strong&gt;are&lt;/strong&gt; fragile; but this is one of the better ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example of what you might say after they mention {X} struggle:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry I just really can't handle talking about X with anyone. I have found that when I do, it weighs really heavily on me. I have been trying to stay positive recently and its important to me that I keep it up as best I can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they understand that your reason  is purely about yourself, then any feelings of self loathing/blame or suspicions that they are being targeted will hopefully be less likely to arise. By not mentioning them personally in your reason, the idea is that they will find it easier to not take it personally and understand what you are saying by looking at it from a rational perspective instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T13:54:37.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7866" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-09T13:59:03.647" Score="9" ViewCount="1141" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a really close acquaintance, Emily, who knows me very well.* We often have constructive debates about life things. During them, she always wants to help me, and we argue calmly and intelligently, without any raised tone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Partly because of how well she knows me, Emily has the bad habit of getting into long, 5-minutes monologues, explaining bit-by-bit what she thinks I/we should do, what she thinks is the problem with my attitude, etc. This happens when she really believes in what she's saying, and believes it's important. The problem is, there are usually a number of key points, or even the premise, that I disagree with, so after a time the monologue feels to take an irrelevant way, and I hardly get the chance to argue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She doesn't leave any gap for a response, and I can't cut her word: when I do, the immediate response is &quot;Please listen 'til I finish&quot;. Sometimes she does stop, but you clearly feel her frustration, feeling as she just couldn't explain everything - but if she did so, I wouldn't disagree. So even if we continue, she takes every opportunity to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My aim is to cut those long monologues early, and get the chance to argue, without making Emily feel frustrated by me holding in her further arguments, and at least shepherd the monologue in a way I find more relevant. Can I do this, and how?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.* &quot;Emily&quot; is my mother (and I'm a grown-up). Though this explains the nature of our debates, I believe a general question is better for the site.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3037" LastEditorUserId="6895" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T11:12:10.933" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T11:50:47.240" Title="How should I interrupt a long monologue during an argument?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="7868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7864" CreationDate="2017-12-09T14:22:45.373" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You are in something of a quandary here:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They are kind, good people&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As well as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;now I cannot ask them to reduce the time they spend in my room&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But that is exactly what you will have to do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect they will be (very) willing to allow you room for your own life. You will have to &lt;em&gt;clearly&lt;/em&gt; communicate your boundaries while making equally clear your appreciation of them as companions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not it will erode the friendship and will block you from enjoying the good that they bring to your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how to communicate this message in a positive way? (Exponentially easing it to be picked up!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, friendship like this cannot be 'paid for'. But what you do need to do is to keep up your side of the shared living experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just need to shape it so it suits you as well as it suits them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You will need to have a talk.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain you need a little room. Ask them if that is OK. Agree upon a non-intrusive way to indicate boundaries, like a little turn-card on the door handle that they use in hotels. In addition best also mention that you wrestled about mentioning this because you value the friendship very much and are (really) afraid that this (very real) need may get in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Balancing the boundaries.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure not to abuse the privilege! Be available when you can, isolate when you must, and check back if it (still) works for them too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still have the feeling the situation is unbalanced, throw a bash to enhance the shared living experience, like (random example) a Chicken Vindaloo-Red Dwarf binge night once a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Possible consequences.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In (the unlikely) case they are uncomfortable with giving you some room, it is best to have it out in the open instead of wholly on your shoulders. But be prepared to move out of the house if that is what it takes. It should save the friendship, which sounds to be of the un-moneyed valuable type, &lt;em&gt;and it will save you a whole lot of stress!&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T14:22:45.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7869" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7866" CreationDate="2017-12-09T15:19:54.273" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a world of difference between a relationship with an opinionated and long winded friend and the relationship between mother and child... Even when you've entered adulthood a mother's job is never done, and they're going to want to give you the benefit of their perspective whether you want to hear it or not. A friend can be brushed off and you can deal with them being a little perturbed about it, but most people would be a little more gentle with their parent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, this is probably a good time to think about having a meta discussion with your mother. Pick a time when she's not already in the midst of a monologue and have a sit down chat about how you two communicate, how it makes you feel, and how you would prefer to communicate. Be prepared to compromise. You may not be able to put a stop to the monologues right away, but talking about how you two talk will be a step in the right direction. After a few meta conversations you'll probably find that you're both getting a little better about communicating in a way that makes you both feel heard and respected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't stress this enough, learning to communicate with people about how you communicate is a tremendously valuable interpersonal skill. Learning to talk with people about how you feel and how you want to communicate is something that smoothes out an awful lot of interpersonal conflict. Starting can be as easy as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When we talk, can we X instead of Y?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or in your specific case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, when we talk it feels like you give me lectures or monologues sometimes. It would mean a lot if our conversations were a little more conversational, sometimes it feels like I'm not being heard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, be sure to start this meta discussion when you're not already in the midst of some other discussion. Interrupting your mother's monologue to tell her that isn't going to go well. Pick a time when you're both getting along and feeling somewhat relaxed. Be patient, and be gentle. Changing a communication pattern takes time and practice, but it can be done. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T15:19:54.273" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7832" CreationDate="2017-12-09T15:46:29.497" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cut, cut, cut.&lt;/strong&gt; I am Indian and would strongly advise you to drop the person immediately &lt;a href=&quot;https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/drop-sb-sth-like-a-hot-potato&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;like a hot potato&lt;/a&gt;. No need to respond to his inappropriate questions. No need to maintain any further communication with him. No need to tell him you are cutting him off. No need to give him any explanation. I never tell anybody that I am even cutting them off from communication, but I will stop interacting with them if they make me uncomfortable. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;In my experience, the cutting itself would be your best response and explanation,&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; based on your perceptions and your stated goal:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know if these questions offended me, but it definitely made me uncomfortable (...) The thing is I let it pass because I didn't know how else to react since I have never been in this situation before. &#xA;  I think it was inappropriate of him to ask me things like that, but I still kept mum (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Goal: I would like to cut things off right then and there. But in a way that he won't get offended &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the poor, stupid person's partial defence, thousands of people (including some famous people and humble myself) have sent uncharacteristic/ controversial text messages because of the &lt;a href=&quot;http://truecenterpublishing.com/psycyber/disinhibit.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;disinhibiting effect&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; of text/ online communication, even when one actually knows the other person in the 'real world'. However, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't have to suffer the psychological effects of &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; disinhibition. So you have already made a good start with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;after that I started ignoring the messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go further by erasing his whatsapp number and unfriending him on facebook. Remove his telephone number from your contact list and never reply to his messages even if he tries to provoke you with more nonsense statements or Indian type of sentiments. Perfect silence is the best reaction to this type of behavior. &lt;strong&gt;He can get offended if he wants to, but you are definitely not telling him anything rude or impolite to offend him&lt;/strong&gt;. And you only said in the question that he is not such a deep friend of yours to (have a right to) be offended by your silence!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that silence may not be a good interpersonal solution in most genuinely interpersonal issues, but silence is a honorable form of hostility here because &lt;strong&gt;there is nothing interpersonal about &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=creepy&amp;amp;&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;creepy&lt;/a&gt; behavior&lt;/strong&gt;, when men are generally supposed to understand social expectations of decency, and certainly have no excuse for asking sexually loaded nonsense to a woman. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just give him the deep freeze when you meet him in public as well &lt;sup&gt;#&lt;/sup&gt;. If he directly asks you in person why you stopped speaking with him, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;tell him that there is no reason.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; He is not entitled to an explanation because it was &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; who overstepped the polite limits of an as-yet underdeveloped friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[&lt;sup&gt;#&lt;/sup&gt;Also see my closely related answer to an earlier question on this website, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1167/381&quot;&gt;&quot;how to deal with avoiding a person I don't like?&quot;&lt;/a&gt;]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an Indian woman you might get subtle social messages and cultural expectations constantly telling you to be excessively polite and 'not offend' men, but you should remember there is nothing impolite, nor offensive, about your stopping communication with a person that makes you uncomfortable. Especially when his tone and content can be read as sexual harassment. Empowerment starts with stressing your physical and mental boundaries, even through a 'negative' action such as silence. Some Indian girls are even bold enough to scold him for his behavior but you don't need to do that, when silence is easy, polite and even more effective. And please think twice about accepting the friend requests of persons whom you don't really want to befriend, in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: as pointed out by @Xen2050, you can decide whether to delete this person's telephone number or retain it in a 'blocked' list:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You suggest &quot;Remove his telephone number from your contact list,&quot; but saving it in a blacklist or blocked list is probably better, wouldn't want to get a message or call in the future and answer/respond because you didn't remember who it was – Xen2050 [comment]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good point which I had considered, thanks @Xen2050. I shall include it in my answer but I think it is psychologically better just to erase his number altogether rather than retain it. But OP can choose from the 2 options. – English Student [comment]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T17:55:09.023" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T17:55:09.023" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7864" CreationDate="2017-12-09T16:17:04.057" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you've got a good reason at the time they start walking in, just tell them immediately. You said &lt;em&gt;&quot;even if I'm &lt;strong&gt;talking to someone on the phone&lt;/strong&gt; and even if I'm not joining their conversation, just &lt;strong&gt;doing my stuff on my PC, or studying&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and those are all excellent reasons, so just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Sorry, I'm [on the phone / busy on my PC / studying] and need to be alone for a little while, thanks.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only someone with no respect for you at all would still interrupt you &amp;amp; walk in, or someone with no social skills, in that case you would have a different problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the long run, you could make your room less appealing for everyone to just hang out it. If you've got lots of chairs &amp;amp; fun games &amp;amp; activities, get rid of them or move them into another room. Make another room more appealing on it's own too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't say whether your door is open or closed when they come in, or whether they knock &amp;amp; ask first, but I suspect they're not knocking &amp;amp; asking permission, otherwise you should say &quot;Sorry not now, I'm busy.&quot; You could try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Closing your door when you want to be alone, and ask them to please not just walk in when your door is closed. After all, you might not be decent, or changing clothes, or similar. Even try a &quot;&lt;em&gt;Please&lt;/em&gt; Do Not Disturb&quot; sign on the doorknob like hotels use.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they still just open the door and barge in, an extreme kind-of-crazy idea would be to close your door and try being indecent / unclothed / wearing just underwear on purpose, in a way setting a trap for anyone who barges in. Then if/when they barge in you can justifiably get upset &amp;amp; say &lt;em&gt;&quot;Hey! I'm indecent here! I asked you not to just walk in like that, get out please!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;em&gt;[I see you've already picked the first answer as correct after just an hour or two, but thought I'd answer anyway]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3536" LastEditorUserId="3536" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T18:43:06.347" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T18:43:06.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7866" CreationDate="2017-12-09T17:26:20.143" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many people would want to finish their point before being interrupted, but that only takes a sentence or two, maybe 30 seconds tops, it's pretty common on televised news or political &quot;discussions.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But 5 minutes straight, with no interruptoin or input from the &quot;target&quot; (you), is something else again. Since she doesn't do that to any other adults, I think inside she knows that it's &lt;em&gt;not appropriate behaviour.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could point that out to her, essentially &lt;em&gt;&quot;If you don't treat other people this way, why are you doing it to us? It's not right.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3536" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T17:26:20.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6436" CreationDate="2017-12-09T18:19:58.613" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you keep asking a professional to do something for you, and he keeps pointing you to info on how do it yourself, he's probably not going to do it for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifically, if you call a lawyer and try to get a referral out of him, you're asking him to use his reputation with his colleagues for your benefit. If he tells you &quot;go look in a phone book,&quot; he's saying that he ain't gonna do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One repetition &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be confusion on his part. More than that is not. Your relative was just badgering him for special favors, whether or not she realized that's what she was doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4634" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T18:19:58.613" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7874" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-09T18:32:45.380" Score="39" ViewCount="15821" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good friend of mine loaned me a significant amount of money a few years ago when I needed some. Based on our agreement, I’m due to pay that as a lump sum in about a month. I trust the guy, and I’m not worried that he would ever claim that I hadn’t paid up, but it's a lot of money and I want a receipt anyway. How can I ask him for one without implying that I distrust him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;:   We do have a written contract, amended verbally to allow a lump payment. Which also introduces confusion to the mix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="269" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T10:11:10.257" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T08:24:52.827" Title="How do I ask for a receipt without implying distrust?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;loans&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7875" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7874" CreationDate="2017-12-09T19:00:32.530" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you specified &amp;quot;without implying distrust&amp;quot;, I think it's at the heart of the matter, and consider it worth noting that the concepts of personal integrity (&amp;quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=%22my+word+is+my+honor%22+-%22far+from+fiction%22&amp;amp;oq&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;my word is my honor&lt;/a&gt;&amp;quot;) and '&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=save+face&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;saving face&lt;/a&gt;' (avoiding humiliation) are central to the interpersonal issues related to how asking for a receipt can be interpreted as &lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/73617/whats-the-difference-between-mistrust-and-distrust&quot;&gt;distrust or mistrust&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People all over the world are likely to believe that their own integrity is so high that there really is &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;no need to issue a receipt&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; for goods or money received. Asking for a receipt is thus often interpreted as questioning the trustworthiness of the individual, with all sorts of related emotional connotations, so that the interpersonal problem of &lt;em&gt;perceived lack of trust&lt;/em&gt; becomes more serious than the practical financial matter of &lt;em&gt;having a concrete record of the transaction.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person who is asked to provide a receipt &amp;quot;loses face&amp;quot; if it appears that their trustworthiness is being queried. Rather more complicatedly, the person who &lt;em&gt;asks for&lt;/em&gt; a receipt can also lose face by bringing up the whole issue of trust in an indelicate manner. It can create serious tensions between family members or friends, but in my experience is not usually so serious or emotive an issue between strangers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;such&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; a widespread problem here in India, and asking someone for a receipt is typically interpreted as an insulting lack of trust, especially among people used to traditional ways of doing business. One pompous old gentleman actually collected a significant cash deposit on a land sale from my father and refused to give a receipt, saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No question of giving receipt, my word is my honor. You can expect the land to be registered into your name within 2 days. If you doubt my integrity, you need not purchase my property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was 3 decades ago and luckily for us his word was indeed good as gold, but over the years I have almost always needed receipts mainly for my own sense of security. So while making various sizable purchases or payments I learned to achieve my aims by asking for a receipt in such a way that no mistrust was implied -- most commonly by suggesting that I needed it for my personal (or an organization's) financial records:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could you please give me a receipt for that Rs.12,500 payment? I need it for my files, you see, when I calculate the annual financial statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to furnish a receipt to the company to prove for &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; files that I actually made this purchase in the expected manner...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need a receipt for my financial records to claim an income tax deduction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone I know would even go so far as to put the blame on his wife:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife absolutely insists on collecting and filing receipts to know where the money is disappearing every year!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, what is important is not that your whatever reason for requesting a receipt should be extremely credible, but that by expressing your need for a receipt with sincere goodwill, you do indirectly manage to convey to your friend that you absolutely do not mistrust him, &lt;strong&gt;while also being extremely careful not to mention trust anywhere in the conversation&lt;/strong&gt;: personal loan situations are often complicated further by the 'debt of gratitude' element in that your friend was good enough to help you with a significantly large amount when you really needed the money, and actually trusted you to be able to repay it later; so if your friend appears reluctant to issue a receipt for whatever reason, you might consider not pressing him to do so, and that allows both of you to &amp;quot;save face&amp;quot; while completing the transaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: according to Psychology Today, &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;The phrase to &amp;quot;save face&amp;quot; has been around a long time. It's been part of English vernacular since the 19th century. The concept is a core social value in Asian cultures, among others. The meaning has remained stable across time. Saving Face signifies a desire -- or defines a strategy -- to avoid humiliation or embarrassment, to maintain dignity or preserve reputation.&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/chronic-healing/201011/saving-face&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/chronic-healing/201011/saving-face&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T09:01:39.893" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7773" CreationDate="2017-12-09T20:09:05.233" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll be very straightforward. Having my parents divorced from age 4, I have been in that situation more times than I can count. It took its toll on me, but I'm ok now. &#xA;What I mean when I say it took its toll, is that I learned to answer them truthfully without feeling like I was being disrespectful, because in fact what they were doing was disrespectful towards me. &#xA;Firstly you need to remember that family isn't always a good thing, and the worst part is that you don't get to pick yours, so you might be stuck in a pretty bad situation when you are born. Therefore, analyse your parents as you would analyse any other person, and think whether the situation you're stuck in would be acceptable if your parents weren't actually your parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, it wasn't, so all I said was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Listen here. I DON'T care about your interpersonal problems. That's for you to solve. You are hurting &lt;strong&gt;ME&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; don't deserve this. Learn to behave yourselves and treat eachother like adults should. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They then realized they were failing as parents, since they were hurting me, their child, and stopped doing that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Previous attempts to tell them to stop doing it softly like others have suggested resulted in me getting tricked into a trap where they would either tell me I didn't love them or that I should go live only with my other parent or anything like that. Parents at any age have the upper hand in the power relationship with their children, therefore they can use that power in their favour, you'll never win if you let them have a chance to put themselves first instead of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always keep in mind that, ultimately, you are the person that is the most important in your life, so you should be egoistic sometimes if that means saving yourself from harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10146" LastEditorUserId="10146" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T20:24:58.083" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T20:24:58.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7874" CreationDate="2017-12-09T21:44:12.067" Score="55" Body="&lt;h3&gt;You need a receipt as documentation that this was a loan being paid for, in case a government agency (like the IRS) ever comes knocking on your door.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, just tell them this. &amp;quot;Trust&amp;quot; shouldn't even be relevant. This reason by itself should be more than a good enough a reason for anyone... whether it's your family, friends, pets...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T21:56:27.617" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7808" CreationDate="2017-12-09T22:06:35.920" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to check early--before making a sharing agreement--to make sure that you guys have the same set of values and sense of boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; be afraid of scaring them away, because if they blanch when you reveal your expectations, you will have made each other miserable had you lived together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not too long ago, I rented a room in a house with a middle-aged couple.   Over the course of the ensuing weeks, it became clear that they felt entitled to my food, to use my room when I wasn't there, and to &quot;borrow&quot; things (batteries, coat hangers, detergent, jackets, etc.) that they never felt obligated to replace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, they allowed guests to sleep in my bed when I wasn't there.  In trying to explain that I felt they were overstepping normal boundaries in our relationship, they seemed simply baffled:  &quot;How does it harm you to have someone sleep in your bed when you're not even there?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, it is &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; better for each side to lay out their expectations explicitly beforehand.  If it scuttles the prospective living situation, count your blessings and move on.    I ultimately had to move to another place after a few months, and that was a pain.   Learn from my mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T22:06:35.920" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6436" CreationDate="2017-12-09T22:14:23.047" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The guy was clearly aware of your desire, just unwilling to comply--he was stonewalling you.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; (or your relative) should have taken the hint:  the lawyer clearly didn't want to make the referral, and tried to take the politer path of pointing you towards an alternative resource rather than flatly refuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T22:14:23.047" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7874" CreationDate="2017-12-09T22:21:07.233" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Prepare a receipt saying that this is repayment in full for the loan of D-Date and, after you have repaid the loan, hand him the receipt and show him where he should sign. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After he has signed, express your gratitude once again, and take him out to dinner or lunch, or whatever seems right to you both.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, &lt;strong&gt;assume&lt;/strong&gt; that the last step in the loan repayment is the loaner's signing a receipt, and behave as though his signing a receipt is the normal thing to do.  In my circles (US, middle class), it would be the business-like thing to do, and no one would be surprised or offended or question it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't say what culture you are from, and if being being business-like in your culture implies distrust or rudeness or is not compatible with close friendship, my answer is not helpful.  If that is the case in your culture, it would be interesting to know.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may trust him absolutely, but if he is killed in a car crash tomorrow, would you necessarily trust his heirs?  And if you didn't rust him, you would have the receipt witnessed and notarized. (Of course, you don't say this to him! This comment is to show you how normal asking for a receipt is.)       &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T22:27:12.043" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T22:27:12.043" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7881" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7896" CreationDate="2017-12-09T23:04:00.737" Score="6" ViewCount="1541" Body="&lt;p&gt;My brother is 18 years old but don't mix his age with his knowledge of health, he leaves a lot of mess around our house but claims that it is fine or my mother and I are just overreacting, but frankly I am getting sick of his mess (also my mother as well but not as much as me). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother sticks gum to surfaces, once sticking gum next to my laptop, he leaves gum wrappings all over the house. My brother enjoys eating almonds but ends up leaving around 5-7 almonds on the floor and claims he &quot;forgot&quot; he dropped them. He leaves bones and plastic in the sink, he leaves bowls with food left in them around the house for days, once even leaving a tea-bag in a cup for so long, mold started to grow. He leaves breadcrumbs all over his table and his bed is absolutely disgusting; with his hair and stains all over it. A lot of times when my friends come over, they mention to me later how filthy my brother's table is. The worst out of all of this is that he expects my mother and I to clean it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is even a link to an image of my brother's keyboard, which he claims is clean. &lt;a href=&quot;https://imgur.com/a/Nk9eI&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://imgur.com/a/Nk9eI&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were to take out the keys on the keyboard (Which I have done before), you will find a mother load of food smudge into the keyboard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been getting so fed up with this mess and I have been trying to tell him to stop but he thinks that I am just overreacting, my brother denies that he is unhealthy. Is there anything I could do to stop him from making this mess in the first place? Because it is getting out of hand and my mother and I don't have time to continue to clean up after him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2147" LastEditorUserId="2147" LastEditDate="2017-12-09T23:11:57.923" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T13:48:35.417" Title="My brother is very unhygienic but claims that he is healthy" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7874" CreationDate="2017-12-09T23:44:53.717" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this one is pretty easy, and accomplishes the goals of not implying distrust and providing a record that you have paid the loan back. There are three options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Write a personal check in the amount of the loan.  In the memo field, write &quot;repay of loan of $xxxx&quot; or whatever is appropriate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your friend cashes the check you will have a record of the check, as well as the signature on the back. (Make a photocopy of the check before giving it to your friend, so you have that recorded too.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you don't have a checking account, get a cashier's check made out to your friend and you can have the bank put a memo item with information similar to what I suggested you put in the memo of the personal check.  There is a usually a carbon copy of the check for you to keep, so you don't have make a photocopy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I don't know is if you can have the bank send you a notice when the check is cashed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another potential problem is the money comes out of your account immediately, so it will be a hassle if your friend loses the check.  But I believe you can have the funds returned to your account if the check is not cashed over a certain length of time - but double check with the bank what the rules are. This is a good reason not to use cash to pay for the check.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Send money to your friend with something like Zelle (Wells Fargo fund transfer).  You can put a memo item stating what the transfer is for.  The transfer will appear in your monthly bank statement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To do this, your bank will send an email to your friend asking for confirmation, and an account to put the money into.  You will not see any of the information about your friends bank account, so it is secure for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all three cases, you have a receipt and record of the transaction, without requesting a receipt or making up a bogus excuse as to why you need a receipt (and compromising your own integrity!) for why you need a receipt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10148" LastActivityDate="2017-12-09T23:44:53.717" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7884" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7890" CreationDate="2017-12-10T04:01:25.230" Score="2" ViewCount="580" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who I have been meeting every Sunday to communicate process in learning and job for a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About 2 months ago, he lost his enthusiasm for improvement. He is not providing new resources or insights and is just asking me for my new insights or my recommended books, movies, music etc. without any feedback in the next meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We noticed the situation and he played tricks to meet every other week by saying he had a temporary task to do on Sunday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided to break off the relationship completely to save my time a month ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He lives nearby and I often encounter him. How do I drop the friendship elegantly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8992" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-10T08:47:23.187" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T10:48:48.460" Title="How do I elegantly discard a friend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-10T14:10:21.290" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7886" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7927" CreationDate="2017-12-10T04:47:44.727" Score="5" ViewCount="837" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friends and I play Dungeons and Dragons (don't judge). They all are friends with a few other people who also play D&amp;amp;D. I find their friends very obnoxious and they are not people who I would want to play a game with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This comes from experiences I have had previously playing with them and I didn't find myself having any fun. &lt;strong&gt;I don't want to straight up tell my friends that I find their friends to be a pain&lt;/strong&gt;, because I don't want to wreck my friendship with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried to simply not invite them (&lt;em&gt;the annoying people&lt;/em&gt;) to game nights, but after a few nights they end up invited anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I separate my friends from theirs?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10152" LastEditorUserId="10152" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T19:15:36.767" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T19:15:36.767" Title="How do I isolate a group of my friends from a group of theirs" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7886" CreationDate="2017-12-10T05:32:36.413" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This probably won't be the answer that you want to hear, but as a lifelong gamer, I've found that in this kind of situation, nothing works as well as being direct.  You've already tried the subtle approach - but they've been invited along anyways.  So if the problem is simple personality conflicts, directly telling the group that you like playing with what the situation is is probably your best approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, though, if you're the only person who isn't jiving well with all of the other players, there may not be anything you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do.  You may just need to either suck it up, or find a different group to play with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're going to try to move forward and continue playing with the group, knowing that it includes the people that you're not keen on playing with, then I'd recommend addressing the problem interactions, not the people, and for that we'd probably need a different question with much different details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T05:32:36.413" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="986" CreationDate="2017-12-10T05:46:56.240" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you want a favour from some one, you ask them like you want a favour and you should be prepared to be refused the favour. Your approach was not only demanding a favour with a question mark, but also followed that up with simply taking action you had absolutely no right to take, without getting a response, thereby also making your question a waste of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turning off the tap without saying anything before or after would be less rude. Even stating &quot;I'm going to turn off your tap because I can't stand wasting water like that&quot; would be more genuine and more polite than what you did. The reason for this is in the fact that you asked a question you had no intention of hearing the answer to, yet in asking the question you partially acknowledged that you know you had no right to take the action, then did it anyway. Had you not asked anything, you would still be wrong, but at least it wouldn't be obvious that you were on some level aware that what you were doing was wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An actually polite form would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Could you maybe turn off the tap to when you're not using it to save water?&quot; add in something about your feelings if you want to manipulate the person a bit, generally people don't want to hurt others feelings if it can be easily avoided. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this you leave the matter alone if ignored or denied. In this situation, if you get an answer like &quot;in a moment&quot;, or lack of immediate action, then don't take it upon yourself to turn the tap off either. You have no right to do this. At most you ask if you can. However this is a bit odd so you probably should explain yourself also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His comment (about there being no water shortage) was his way of showing you that he thought you totally overreacted and were in the wrong, that your action was not in any way justifiable, since leaving the tap on is a non issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even at this point, you could have still salvaged it all: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply realise that what you've done is wrong and inappropriate and apologise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could get away without an apology, just an acknowledgement that you were in the wrong, but without trying to justify the unjustifiable e.g. something like &quot;i overreacted a bit, i'm just really concerned about...&quot; (note &quot;I'm really concerned about...&quot; at this point and in this context, is an explanation of your actions after acknowledgement that your actions were wrong, not a justification)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whereas something like you said &quot;...doesn't matter...&quot; = I don't care about your opinion or view, I am not going to acknowledge or even consider that I might have done something wrong &quot;...you shouldn't waste water like this...&quot; = instead I am going to teach and lecture you by stating what you shouldn't do (just by stating my personal views as absolute fact, and without addressing your earlier point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only time this is arguably a justifiable way to act is with your own child. While they are a still a child, preferably not in-front of other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The illustration of what his actions and words look like to most people (note they are not understood this way by most people, they are understood more emotionally and intuitively) are there to help him actually see how and why his words and actions appear the way they do to others in situations like this. This is because in his question at the end he states the purpose of the question &quot;so I can prevent such situations in the future&quot; and I believe it is important to fully understand the situation to prevent it, and similar situations, in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you can't come up with an idea for how you could have handled this differently (i.e. your natural and normal response was to handle the situation the way you did), that you weren't instantly aware what you did was wrong as soon as you turned off the tap (or were aware but chose to ignore this fact) suggest there are some serious underlying issues that you need help with, I would suggest that you seek some kind of help if you want to improve your career prospects and general social interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10153" LastEditorDisplayName="user10153" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T02:12:05.683" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T02:12:05.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7884" CreationDate="2017-12-10T10:48:48.460" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds very much as though this is what he's trying to do to you - distance himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you just let these scheduled meetings slip, you form some other plans so that you don't have to have them, and make your ah-hoc encounters a casual Hi/Bye type of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he wants to continue with the structured meetings, it up to him to bring some commitment to the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T10:48:48.460" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7874" CreationDate="2017-12-10T11:34:51.157" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make a wire transfer of the money. Then you'll have documentation of the payment. If that is not possible, send a confirmation e-mail to the guy &quot;I just paid you XX dollars, thank you for lending me the money when I needed it. This is just for my own reference.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even better: wire the money, then send an e-mail &quot;&lt;em&gt;now I sent you the money, can you please confirm that you have received them&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3356" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-12T08:22:39.043" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T08:22:39.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7881" CreationDate="2017-12-10T15:58:04.597" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, you need to decide what your real issue is. It sounds like it is &quot;I don't like seeing this disgusting mess, it upsets me, it embarrasses me in front of my friends, and expecting me to clean it if I don't like is just not fair. You should clean your own mess.&quot; Yet you are saying &quot;it's not healthy for you&quot; which is an entirely different approach, far harder to prove, and possibly not your business since people can choose to neglect their health if they want to. So make sure your message to him is &lt;strong&gt;consistent, correct, and hard to argue with&lt;/strong&gt; by being &lt;strong&gt;truthful&lt;/strong&gt; about the toll his messiness is taking on others, instead of urging him to care more about himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he was a small child, your mother could handle this by forbidding certain actions. For example, he can't take food and drink to his bedroom because he can't be trusted to bring the dirty dishes back down. Or he can't eat at his desk because he doesn't clean it. When he is about to leave the house, he cannot because he is leaving a mess; clean it before you go. It is far harder to enforce rules like this on a teenager or young adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Work with your mother to establish how you feel, including about cleaning up after him, and to come up with motivators you can use. For example, your mother might keep the keys to the family car, and only allow him to use it when he has cleaned all his mess. If she pays him an allowance, she could with-hold it until things were tidy and clean. A checklist of what she considers to be clean would be helpful both for him to know what he needs to do and for her to check his compliance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-12-10T17:28:53.763" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T17:28:53.763" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7897" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7899" CreationDate="2017-12-10T18:28:50.867" Score="33" ViewCount="11073" Body="&lt;p&gt;My Tae Kwon-Do instructor is looking to make a little extra money on the side. He's hired me to do some graphics work for him, which I'm more than happy to do, but now I'm beginning to wonder if he's done his research. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The area he's looking to get into is very niche-oriented - there isn't a lot of consumer traffic and the startup costs could be huge. I'm afraid he hasn't done his research and is about to sink a lot of money into something that isn't going to pan out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to tell him this, at least ask him if he's done his research, but I can't just come out and say that. I've only known him for six months, and then only through TKD and the graphics work I've done. We are friends, but I just haven't known him that long. I wouldn't know about his proposed business at all if it weren't for the graphics work. That being said, I don't want to see him sink a bunch of money into something that isn't going to deliver. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell him what he's doing might be a bad idea?&lt;/strong&gt; I don't want to offend him by suggesting that he doesn't know what he's doing, but I also don't want to see him sink a bunch of money into something that won't deliver. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I am not an expert in starting up small businesses. It's what my family does, so I know the general principles, but it's not like I've done extensive research on it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5444" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T07:53:32.443" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T07:53:32.443" Title="How to tell someone not to start a business?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7808" CreationDate="2017-12-10T18:40:18.887" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first answer here is correct. Here's mine:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've laid the expectations out both in a bold advert, on a house search website, and at the initial viewing. I'm keeping in touch with the housemates after the viewing as well, to know what their priorities are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I worked with my friends, you, my family and advert replies to refine my own search as well, which I reviewed with an excel spreadsheet initially. I've also sorted out some space issues where I am now. Thanks a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9959" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T18:40:18.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7897" CreationDate="2017-12-10T19:28:11.963" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would put together a list of common problems and hurdles that you think he might face, then ask him about how he plans to overcome them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Word the questions so that you are assuming that he &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; prepared and you want to know how, rather than asking &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; he's prepared. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he answers the questions well then you'll know that he is prepared and can rest easy. If he answers poorly then it will hopefully draw his attention to how unprepared he really is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T19:28:11.963" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7900" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7897" CreationDate="2017-12-10T20:14:45.873" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I wouldn't say anything unless or until he asks for your advice.  As  a former small business owner, I can say with some authority that these problems tend to work themselves out and they do so fairly quickly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming that he'll need to obtain funding for this venture, since you mentioned your concerns about the expense involved.  That's typically the first and often insurmountable obstacle.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where people go wrong is when they invest their own money into their idea.  That's a problem because it demonstrates that the business owner was not able or willing to sell the idea to an investor or venture capital firm and so the question concerning the profitability of the venture has gone unanswered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are in business to produce creative.  If I only accepted programming contracts from small businesses that had a sound business plan, my company would &#xA; have collapsed, almost immediately.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, it is very often the case that prospective business owners approach people like yourself with the intent of obtaining a business partner if you could provide services via your labor that the business owner can't afford him or herself.  If you believe the professional relationship is headed in that direction or you believe he can't pay you for the work he's commissioned, one course of action might be to explain that you've had a recent and unexpected uptick in business and that you can only spare x amount of time.  Then, refer his to someone else.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9976" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T20:14:45.873" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7897" CreationDate="2017-12-10T21:32:11.747" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a pretty common situation and I've faced some of those, so I guess I have an universal approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are trying to appear as an outsider to the problem(since your work is drawing) and tell the person &quot;I've got some thoughts about your plans and I think, you haven't done your homework on the topic and ...&quot;, so that what &lt;strong&gt;you think&lt;/strong&gt; his situation is. But rather than stating it, I would like to recommend trying an reversible approach. You've got some thoughts on the topic and your logical chain has come to the dead point, so why don't you state it. You don't need to start with &lt;strong&gt;what you think of it&lt;/strong&gt;, but rather say something like &quot;I do want to know, how are you planing on developing the start-up?&quot;, &quot;don't &lt;strong&gt;you think&lt;/strong&gt; it's a niche-oriented field? How can we work with it?&quot;, so the conclusion of your dialogue may match your own one as well as it may not, but anyways, you'll get your boss to think of all this stuff himself (with your help as a collocutor) and you will be the one facing the problem with your boss rather than thinking of it as an outsider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T03:09:25.667" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T03:09:25.667" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7775" CreationDate="2017-12-10T21:56:40.073" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Where only the previous teacher-student relationship exists, it is most straightforward and customary to use the address of their title and family name: Mr Lipschitz, Dr Jones, Ms Liu, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The excess formality of &quot;sir&quot;/&quot;ma'am&quot; is likely to make the former teacher feel awkward about establishing a more natural relationship as that between adults; it makes you seem as though you see only the teacher-student relationship is possible. Avoid it where possible, unless it is also a natural term of address for a respected senior member of the community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once invited, either explicitly by the former teacher or implicitly by an email signature or the use of informal communication, you can switch to a personal name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just remember to use the standard address (title and name or generic formality) when first arriving at the school and when around students, adhering to the social norm in that environment, avoiding embarrassment for the teacher in front of their class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4374" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T21:56:40.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7874" CreationDate="2017-12-10T22:46:55.077" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;A good friend of mine loaned me ... Based on our agreement, I’m due to pay that as a lump sum in about a month. ... How can I ask him for one without implying that I distrust him?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Loaned or lent is different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on your agreement he gave you the money and you will give it back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Changing the terms of the agreement to impose additional actions upon your friend, especially when you hold the advantage (the money), is dishonest. You should be more worried that he will distrust you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether or not &lt;strong&gt;he&lt;/strong&gt; believes that there's an implication of distrust is entirely his decision and is independent of your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need a reason to alter the terms of the agreement. If the law had changed regarding private loans you could quote that. If you've married and your spouse is an Accountant (receipts are &lt;em&gt;required&lt;/em&gt; for the harmony of your household) you can say that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a receipt is refused do you intend to refuse to repay; that would be most ungrateful and dishonest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imply and infer are also two different things. You &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/imply&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;imply&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, they infer. So you simply do not imply, and thus you do not, whether they infer is something that they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply thank them for helping you and repay at the correct time unconditionally; then they won't infer that there is a problem of any description.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Paying by Cashier's Check creates a paper trail and they might prefer cash if they gave you cash. Similarly it's polite to pay in the same (or at least large) denominations, repaying using one dollar bills is either an insult or an indication that the money ought not to be paid but is being done reluctantly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly asking for a receipt for a personal lending is implying distrust if it was not part of the original agreement. It's possible that no matter what you do that your friend would never question that you would distrust them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can only state plainly that you imply nothing by asking your friend for a receipt; what they infer from your actions is their decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2017-12-10T22:46:55.077" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7905" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7912" CreationDate="2017-12-10T23:15:08.347" Score="104" ViewCount="21851" Body="&lt;p&gt;A close family member of mine is a raw vegan, anti vaxer, anti-antibiotics, anti-fluoride, believes in chemtrails, has a machine that filters water and makes it alkaline, eats lots of supplements, buys only organic produce and buys all her hygiene, beauty and cleaning products at the holistic store. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, her health isn't great, and whenever she gets ill she blames it on something she ate or the chemicals in the air... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, she is not nourishing her body properly, and I'm worried that piggybacking all the supplements and miracle treatments is not only ineffective but detrimental to her health. It also worries me she would only go to the doctor as her last resort, and even when she gets a prescription, she wouldn't always take the meds. She says she prefers to fight the illness naturally and have a stronger immune system as a result :( &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I say something she believes in is wrong, she gets upset. So I try to logic her out of her beliefs, but she would rather tell me I have a very linear and mathsy way of thinking (since I am a physicist), therefore I can't possibly understand her &quot;facts&quot;. This makes me so sad as she would trust me with physics, yet somehow in an argument about biology, chemistry, &quot;toxins&quot;, and vaccines my use of pure logic and critical thinking goes over her head. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, she has read books on those topics which are popular science at best and complete garbage at worse. None of those come close to even high school textbook standard - she might as well be reading tabloid articles in book format. Sadly, she feels her arguments are more valid since she has read books with things like  &quot;adjuvant&quot;,  &quot;metabolism&quot; and &quot;blood-brain barrier&quot; written in them. That's enough for her to deem them reputable sources of the truth behind such and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I wonder... If I had the time and the willpower to read all she has read on this: would she then listen to me? Or would she keep arguing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, this person is important to me and I hate our constant arguments. I hate that I hide my chocolate &amp;amp; pretend to be vegan in front of her to avoid upsetting her. I wish we could just enjoy some lunch out in town without hearing things like &quot;that sandwich must have been packed with sugar and gluten because I feel so bad now&quot; for a week afterward, even though her test for gluten sensitivity came out negative. And most important of all I want to make sure she isn't unwittingly ruining her health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convince someone believing in pseudoscience &amp;amp; conspiracy theories to change their views and trust conventional medicine without making them feel stupid or upset?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10172" LastEditorUserId="13902" LastEditDate="2017-12-12T19:24:03.307" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T09:26:34.670" Title="How to tell someone believing in pseudoscience &amp; conspiracy theories is wrong without making them feel stupid/upset?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="26" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7905" CreationDate="2017-12-10T23:30:13.923" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, your two viewpoints are pretty much diametrically opposed. And anti-vaxxers rely on ignoring accepted scientific consensus and evidence etc., so if you approach this from a scientific, evidence-based or logic-based direction, you are not adding anything that will persuade her. She has her &quot;evidence&quot; and that's probably that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound harsh, but the only likely solution is just to avoid conflicting on these topics and accept that her lifestyle and beliefs are hers and you can't change them. At least avoiding arguing about it allows you to communicate and remain friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your country gets around to mandating vaccination then that may work...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastEditorUserId="98" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T07:46:46.220" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T07:46:46.220" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7905" CreationDate="2017-12-11T00:45:51.997" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;People have a belief system where, as far as they are concerned, there are certain fundamental truths, and no amount of argument will see them change their mind.  Then, the rest of their beliefs are built upon, and informed by, these fundamental truths.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now for most of us, these fundamental truths are the belief that science and statistics can be used to test if something is true or false, that certain things (eg murder, torture) are always wrong, and so on.  Religious people believe that some special deity exists, and this is also one of those fundamental truths to them, as it's not something that follows on from one of their other beliefs but it's a fundamental belief in itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some people, one of these fundamental truths are that &quot;science&quot; cannot be trusted because it has nefarious interests - scientists are trying to screw us.  Having this fundamental belief allows someone to adopt one of many &quot;anti-science&quot; beliefs, such as anti-vax, homeopathy, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person will put up all manners of resistance against someone challenging their fundamental beliefs.  It is simply not going to work to change their mind when it comes to a fundamental, as these beliefs are so strong as to mean losing a friendship to them if necessary, and are so strong that they rely on no other fact to back them up - their mind simply won't change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you could change someone's mind about a belief they have, your only option is to find a way to do it that does not challenge their fundamental beliefs.  If you can convince someone of the benefits of vaccinating kids without challenging their belief that science/big pharma can't be trusted, then that's your avenue.  Not easy, though.  But they may be more susceptible to arguments if they are based on personal experience or personal connection: if someone you know got sick because they weren't vaccinated, etc.  Avoid the science or statistics angle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line is it's not easy, and may not be worth it.  If it's something that doesn't harm others, often better to let it go.  If it's something that does, like anti-vax, legislation is probably a better option: do as some countries do and make it mandatory to vaccinate kids in order to receive certain benefits/enrol in pre-school/etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T00:45:51.997" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7905" CreationDate="2017-12-11T02:08:17.227" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a cousin (and one of my best friends) who is getting progressively more and more like the person you describe, OP. I once tried to convince her that there is no evidence that the phase of the moon influences menstrual pain, and she got really mad at me. But the peak argument was when, a few days after, my period came and she reprimanded me for taking a painkiller, claiming that menstrual pain is a social construct and that I should meditate to connect with my body and the pain would go away. (I took the painkiller anyway.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is really unfortunate, but I think we cannot impose our views on anyone and, even more, trying to do so may be very counterproductive. Of course, if she is in an emergency, you should ignore her disbelief in science and take her to the closest hospital but, otherwise, she is an adult and it's on her to decide over her body. The same way my cousin eventually understood that I am an adult and it's on me to decide to take painkillers or not. If your relative some day gets an infection and decides to rely on natural remedies, and the infection doesn't go away, she will probably believe in antibiotics all at sudden. Sorry for the sarcasm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A different issue is if she tries to impose these things on non-consenting people, for instance if she has children and decides not to vaccinate them, or she has a dependent elder and she neglects their health. I think, in this case, it is your responsibility to show her statistics on how many children used to die of diseases that are now eradicated (and maybe even use emotional language and images such as sick children, because some people don't believe in statistics either).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, if it's only her doing this to herself, just let her be. Do not engage. (I know it's difficult!) Whenever she complains about gluten, nod. If she ever mentions what you take/do/eat, tell her that you won't try to convince her to change her lifestyle if she doesn't try to change yours. Otherwise, no mention. Nod and change topics. That's what I would do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: Just one detail. Being vegan is not anti-scientific. It is entirely possible to be vegan and yet be fully nourished. Of course it takes some scientific knowledge or advice from healthcare professionals, which I do trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9858" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T02:08:17.227" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7874" CreationDate="2017-12-11T03:01:24.287" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a comment you said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We do have a written contract, amended verbally to allow a lump payment. Which also introduces confusion to the mix.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So simply take the contract, write on it or on a separate paper, &quot;Repaid in full as a lump sum of [Whatever] on [Date]&quot;, and take it to your friend to sign.  If not on the original contract, you might have to give details identifying the original contract (amount borrowed, original payment plan, date of contract/loan).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend asks you why you need it, just explain that you want the status to be clear.  People have advised you never to leave a signed document lying around stating that you owe money without a counter.  In case of tragedy, it could result in his heirs trying to get money from you.  This way, everyone's clear that it was paid.  If anyone denies that, you just produce your copy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend doesn't ask, there's no need to say.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, it's not you distrusting him.  It's other people distrusting the situation and how yet other people might behave.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he wonders if he needs his copy signed, offer to sign it as &quot;All obligations discharged.&quot;  But really, he could just shred his copy.  He has the money.  You were the one who was obliged to him by the initial transfer of money from him to you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T03:01:24.287" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7905" CreationDate="2017-12-11T05:54:34.573" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;Contrary to the other answers, I think that you can tell your family member that you think her beliefs are wrong and probably even get her to reconsider her stance on some of them. That is not to say it will be simple/guaranteed though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Use empathy before logic&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most beliefs of this nature have an emotional root, meaning that they will just tune out, giving an excuse (such as: &lt;em&gt;you have a very linear and mathsy way of thinking, therefore you can't possibly understand my &quot;facts&quot;&lt;/em&gt;) when someone suddenly points out some otherwise perfectly sound logic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To get past this emotional block, it is essential that you first connect with them emotionally, using empathy to show that you are listening to what they say. Try to find an underlying emotion that is the seed to this belief (such as a fear of being helpless in terms of illness where your only option is to blindly trust a doctor which as she has seen, is still no guarantee). This may not be your family member's reasoning, but it is a common fear that leads to people going down the same path as her as it is more comforting to feel that you are able to do something yourself that you 'understand' than to do what is actually best (i.e. go to the doctor and do what they say). Note that there is a fine line between understanding and being empathetic of the reason, and presuming or shallowly blaming their belief on something. Saying something like &quot;ooh, you only think that because of X&quot; will have the opposite effect, and instead will leave them feeling as though you have rudely undermined their worries rather than shown empathy. Try to only mention reasons that they themselves have acknowledged, and phrase it in a way that validates the reason, rather than using it to blame their misconstrued ideas. If you can show that you are empathetic and understanding of the fear, it will breach the emotional block and then she will be able to properly listen to your logic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;It takes time&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although it would be lovely, you are not going to change anyone's view of the world and help them reach a deeper understanding of how things are in just one day. It is important that you understand it takes a long time for these things to happen. Forcing someone to talk about a subject they don't want to engage in will only be counterproductive; you need to wait for when they are happy to talk about it and try to stay open and willing to go into conversations with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Consider introducing her to proper studies, research papers and the process they go through before its accepted by the scientific community&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's not so much IPS, but this is the big one that helped bring my cousin to critically look at conspiracies he would have previously followed. You mentioned you are a physicist so I am assuming you are somewhat active in the scientific community and know that the people who are the most critical of scientists are &lt;strong&gt;other&lt;/strong&gt; scientists. As it is not practical to deeply study and understand every new topic in science, it is important to understand the process these things go through before they are accepted; and even after they are accepted they still get analysed and verified over and over again. If you can get her to understand this, and also how to tell the difference between shallow pseudoscience studies and real ones then she will be able to do your job for you and may re-look at a lot of the things she currently believes herself. Obviously this is not the first thing you should do and would take a considerable amount of time and effort, not to mention she may just reject the effort flat out. Just keep this in mind for later on if she has reacted well to the earlier and more specific explanations where you were focusing on being empathetic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;On avoiding conflict&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no guarantee that you will never raise any conflict when discussing these things. But so long as you are kind and remain calm/rational yourself they should not be lasting. That being said, there are some things you should avoid:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't force the conversation on her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't force a viewpoint on her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be disrespectful or condescending (some beliefs may be ludicrous, but saying so is one of the worst things you can do)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be impatient or get frustrated&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be hypocritical (if you want her to listen to you, you should also be open to listening to her)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit: I thought it might be useful to compare this to a another post with a similar goal and some good ideas - &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2883/arguing-science-with-a-passionate-non-scientist?noredirect=1&amp;amp;lq=1&quot;&gt;Arguing science with a passionate non-scientist?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T05:13:15.993" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T05:13:15.993" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7905" CreationDate="2017-12-11T07:42:56.037" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just from a psychological POV, she sounds eerily similar to someone with anorexia. It is all stemming from control, fear, and generally having an overly anxious disposition. For people with anorexia, often food or things they put in their body is the only area they feel they have real control in. &#xA;It sounds like she lives in a scary, hostile world that is fraught with dangers and hidden evil agendas behind supposedly helpful things, which is a very paranoid and suspicious way to see things. Stressful experience of reality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think false beliefs should definitely be challenged because they can damage quality of life, and we let each other down when we are too permissive with ignorance. OP you have a hell of a job if you're taking this one on though! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she already knows you don't agree with her, which makes her automatically defensive around you, I'd probably approach the topics indirectly - like how she chooses her information sources. Maybe anecdotally relate a story to her about a health experiment that was based on false or misleading information, leading to the death of (fifty vegan activists, kittens, anything she would care about personally?!). Pile on all this relatable fallout in a conversational way and keep asking gee, what do you think they should have done? Make sure the right answer is always 'they should have checked their sources critically!' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe her decision making process is at fault here, she has no real tools. There are lots of ways to approach decision making without talking about her beliefs/identity, which would change anyway as a result of better decision making. I'm sure her possibly bad health isn't helping her cognition though...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10185" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T07:42:56.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7905" CreationDate="2017-12-11T07:52:39.473" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;People selling snake oil are &lt;em&gt;selling&lt;/em&gt; snake oil. A lot of people in the business of alternative facts are in the &lt;em&gt;business&lt;/em&gt; of alternative facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it may be possible for you to expose the ulterior motives of some of the authorities she finds convincing. Convincing her to stop trusting one of her authorities is unlikely to convince her away from all the psuedoscience, but if you can undermine more of her authorities then she might adopt a more sceptical mindset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others aren't necessarily only in it for the money, but you may be able to demonstrate that they are completely out of touch with reality. For example, if she likes David Wolfe, does she know &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Wolfe_(entrepreneur)#Criticism&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;he's a flat-earther and believes gravity is a hoax&lt;/a&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T07:52:39.473" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7919" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7923" CreationDate="2017-12-11T10:56:50.793" Score="16" ViewCount="10401" Body="&lt;p&gt;About one year ago my grandfather died of cancer. Now my grandmother lives alone and got rid of most of his things over time including a model railway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a child, I spent many hours at my grandparents, building it together with my grandfather. Some of the parts we used, were gifted to me on birthdays or christmas. As I grew older, I lost interest in it and my grandfather expanded the railway from time to time on his own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After grandpa died, my grandma told me, she would sell the whole model railway (about 3000€ worth) and would give me the money (or some of it, I don't remember). I took one engine as a memory. Now I haven't heard about it since then. I only saw my uncle posting an advertisement to sell the model railway on facebook about two months ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family has a lot of money because of a firm my grandfather founded, which is now managed by my father and said uncle. I personally don't have any financial problems, but am not living an extra-ordinary live either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, how do I talk to my grandma about the money, she promised me? I don't want to come off as spoiled, as my grandma already gives financial support to me every month and very generous gifts on birthdays and christmas holidays (among other things).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4415" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T14:40:45.777" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T09:42:28.990" Title="How to talk to grandma about money she promised me" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7775" CreationDate="2017-12-11T11:01:09.693" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Apparently the locale is very relevant for this question. Since I am Swiss and not American, my answer will not address your locale but the german-speaking locales (I think most of Western Europe, too?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In German, the default salutation is held formally until the &lt;strong&gt;older&lt;/strong&gt; person invites the &lt;strong&gt;younger&lt;/strong&gt; one to use the first name. If no such invitation is given, you must keep addressing them the formal way. Using informal salutations or the informal version of &quot;you&quot; (&lt;em&gt;&quot;Du&quot;&lt;/em&gt; instead of &lt;em&gt;&quot;Sie&quot;&lt;/em&gt;) will be perceived as very rude and shows that you have no respect for that person. (This does not count for children. Children are always adressed informally)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I'm an adult and the power balance inherent in the&#xA;  teacher-student relationship we once had has dissolved, so it seems&#xA;  equally strange to maintain the formality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The aforementioned formality standard applies to the teacher-student example as well:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As student you are a child and the teacher is an adult. Therefore the teacher addresses you informally while you use formal salutations. After your graduation, many teachers (but not all) will offer you to call them by their first name.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If they do not, you should absolutely avoid informal salutations. &lt;strong&gt;Even when you become an adult yourself, it is up to the teacher (the &lt;em&gt;older&lt;/em&gt; one of you two) to offer informality and not you.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but I'm from a relatively small town and the chances of me&#xA;  encountering a former teacher while out and about back home are high&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the exact same situation as with your e-mail. You address him formally, which gives him the opportunity to offer informality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: was an elementary school teacher&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T11:01:09.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7921" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7969" CreationDate="2017-12-11T11:02:50.640" Score="16" ViewCount="1765" Body="&lt;p&gt;Okay, so a bit of background: I'm 15, and my brother is 19. I technically have my own laptop, but I still need to ask someone to put the password in for me (because parents). My brother knows the password, so I will ask him sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I moderate a Stack Exchange site. (Yes, it is permitted for a minor to be a moderator.) This is not immediately visible to most users looking at this question, because reasons. When you become a moderator on any Stack Exchange site, you must agree to the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/legal/moderator-agreement&quot;&gt;mod agreement&lt;/a&gt;. This says, among other things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ii. I acknowledge that I may have access to potentially personally-identifying information about Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange users and that in connection with such access [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b. I will not disclose this information to anyone&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I will sometimes leave pages open on my computer. These include mod pages, which can sometimes include PII if I'm, say, looking at a voting ring. Sometimes, when I have him log on, he'll page through my tabs... and try to sneak a look at the Teachers' Lounge or the pages I've had open. He has &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; looked at any pages with PII yet, but he &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; taken a look at the (cleared) flag page. If he looks at PII from my account, that seems like a violation of b. in the mod agreement. Thankfully, this hasn't happened yet, but if this doesn't stop soon it might, and I &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to avoid that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents know that I mod a SE site, and I've told them that I am really uncomfortable with my brother looking at stuff on my computer. They refused to talk to him about it, saying that a.) He's not going to do anything, what's the problem? b.) I spend too much time on there already, so they don't really want me bringing it up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already asked him to stop a couple times, saying that I really don't want him looking at the stuff, even if it isn't PII, such as the Teachers' Lounge chatroom. He hasn't so far (keeps trying to get me to press keyboard shortcuts and stuff that will switch to my mod tabs while he's watching, but I'm not so tech illiterate that I don't know what &lt;kbd&gt;ctrl&lt;/kbd&gt; &lt;kbd&gt;1&lt;/kbd&gt; does). He's relatively familiar with SE - he has 20k rep on Stack Overflow, 14k on another site, and 10k on Meta.SE, so he's not unfamiliar with the system. (Hi. Yes, I know you'll probably be reading this question at some point. Maybe you'll take me seriously now...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're both culturally American, although not living in the States right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't just about the mod stuff - while that certainly contributes to my unease, I don't like him watching over my shoulder watching what I'm doing generally. (Or looking at my phone.) So:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I bring up the issue of my brother reading what's on my screen?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-25T14:55:10.560" Title="How to approach my brother about reading what's on my screen?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7919" CreationDate="2017-12-11T11:52:28.577" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;I lived with my grandma for 3 years, got along well and had plenty of money related conversations over the years (although we were not well off and I was more likely to be giving &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; financial support than the other way around). Pulling from this experience, I would say the first thing to try is to mention the train but not the fact she owes you money. In all likely-hood this will be enough to remind her, and she will hopefully understand what you are getting at immediately (grandma's can be clue-y like that). Something I would say is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ooh yeah, I saw that {uncle} was trying to sell the train set. How is that going?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all goes well she will pick up on what you are implying and bring up the money conversation herself, saving you from looking spoiled/pushy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does not do this, then it is up to you how you proceed. To some people (at least in Australian culture) collecting money is not something they want to bring up themselves, and would resort to the first technique a few times before either dropping it as they feel it isn't worth the worry, or giving in and directly asking. However I don't think you should worry so much, there is a chance she simply forgot and will even be thankful for the reminder, also keep in mind there is nothing wrong with asking for this money, especially as it was already agreed upon and I can hardly see a scenario where she will see you as spoiled for asking. That being said still make sure you are polite and not demanding. A decent follow up to the first question might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I remember talking about how we would share the money we got from the train; Is there anything I can do to help sell it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offering to help shows you as supportive rather than spoiled and choosing to say share rather than give to me is important, wanting everything for yourself is associated with spoiled-ness and this does not specify the exact split. Opening up the conversation for her to remind you of the previous agreement or sort out a new one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T11:52:28.577" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7919" CreationDate="2017-12-11T12:26:30.400" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all it's important that you acknowledge the frame of what is happening. You say that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to come off as spoiled, as my grandma already gives&#xA;  financial support to me every month and very generous gifts on&#xA;  birthdays and christmas holidays (among other things).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your grandma is decidedly &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a stickler for money. Your family isn't either, from the sounds of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My family has a lot of money because of a firm my grandfather founded,&#xA;  which is now managed by my father and said uncle. I personally don't&#xA;  have any financial problems, but am not living an extra-ordinary live&#xA;  either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And neither are you. That means you have no reason to assume any ill intent and don't need to prepare against that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, I'd recommend waiting a couple more months and then casually bringing up the train set &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; mentioning the money. Because your grandma doesn't sound like she's given to be a stickler with money or sneaky with promises, this will work without making you sound like you just want the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Whatever happened to that train set? Did $uncle ever manage to sell it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a couple months later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will do three things for you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remind her of the issue&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not insinuate that you're impatient for the proceeds&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give her an easy way out and an easy way to give you the money without feeling bad&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, if even that doesn't work (meaning she simply forgot entirely, we're giving the benefit of the doubt here) it may be easier to just &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; pursue the issue further. From what it sounds like you have a good thing going on and a healthy family situation, there's no need to disrupt that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I advise against directly bringing up the money issue, even when the first suggested approach does not work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T12:26:30.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7921" CreationDate="2017-12-11T12:36:23.163" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm only going to address the interpersonal solution ideas here, since you've already ruled out other obvious answers (like getting a password, always logging out, having your parents forbid him from watching).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you should go about doing this depends vastly on what type of person your brother is, and what kind of sibling relationship you two have. If you know he genuinely respects you and your wishes, this is easy. In that case you only need to make clear to him how much you care about this and how important this is to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey John, I've noticed you've been sometimes looking at my screen when&#xA;  I'm browsing and sometimes looking at my tabs when I'm not at the&#xA;  computer. I'm doing some work that is very important to me and have&#xA;  access to data that I'm supposed to keep very confidential, can you&#xA;  please mind not to do that? It'd mean a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I stress this will work if and only if you and your brother have a good standing and he's the type of person to respect that request. Whether he is or not, only you can glean that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have &lt;strong&gt;any&lt;/strong&gt; ideation that this is not the case, I'd go with saying nothing in your case. If he's at all nosy or malicious, you telling him to cut it will only make it &lt;strong&gt;more&lt;/strong&gt; likely that he'll go snuffing around for stuff he's not supposed to see, and maybe telling others. Right now, I suspect he doesn't quite know what he's looking at, so that works in your favor. If he's a nosy person and you tell him, that might change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T14:45:57.760" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T14:45:57.760" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7886" CreationDate="2017-12-11T13:00:36.207" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in this situation myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try something like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to run a game with a small group.  You five (or however many) and that's it.  I don't think I can handle the distractions of any more people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This skirts the issue, but does hint at the others being distracting without calling them rude, obnoxious, or otherwise disruptive.  Tact is a hard thing to master, but this approach is slightly stronger than not inviting them, while not directly saying that you don't like them or causing any friction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T13:00:36.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7919" CreationDate="2017-12-11T13:03:39.730" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the grandmother is regularly giving you money, and nobody was caring about the train, I would probably let it go. You might have been promised money, however people also might think they are already paying you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does not hurt inquiring casually about the whereabouts of the train, and expressing some slight disappointment of it being sold without you being part of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, often those sets are big, and they might be needing to clear the space. You also say nobody was using/caring for it, which could be a better hint why it was sold. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, it might be better on the hands of someone that's caring for it, than rusting away abandoned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to learn what happened before going down a lane you might regret. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T09:42:28.990" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T09:42:28.990" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7874" CreationDate="2017-12-11T13:08:54.773" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You make agreements when on good terms before things can go bad.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You prefer a confirmation of your payment, so that no misconceptions can arrise in the future. This way, both of you have something to fall back on as it is on paper, so that your friendship does not have to suffer.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You're on good terms now, best to come up with something both of you agree on. When you get into an argument, you often loose the perspective of the other, and reading back your original agreements can save you a lot of energy and possible friendships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart from that, if you give your transaction/cheque a description which is obviously relating this subject, you can always check back your bank records.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T13:08:54.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7897" CreationDate="2017-12-11T15:00:38.130" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell him what he's doing might be a bad idea?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's starting up his own business, odds are he is fully aware that it might be a bad idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note that I am not an expert in starting up small businesses&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nor do you seem to know his business plan, source of finance or how much research he's done. If you were a close friend or a family member that's fine - but:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I've only known him for six months, and then only through TKD and the graphics work I've done&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know him well enough to be questioning his intentions. There will almost certainly be people much closer to him than you who will ask these sorts of questions. Starting a business is not something done in isolation and most people who think about doing so quickly give up when they discover the time and effort that it will cost to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It isn't your place to be questioning him (unless your Graphics work for him is being paid for at a later date in which case I would rectify this immediately). If I've misread your post and you're actually really good friends then of course ignore this advice but from what I can tell you are his customer (TKD) and he is yours (Graphics). Don't jeopardise these good business relationships by intruding on another aspect of his life. On the other hand, if he asks you for advice or your opinion then he is inviting you into that part of his life and such questions about his research are perfectly valid and shouldn't offend him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in his position and had not asked for your opinion, I would consider your suggestion that I hadn't thought things through to be offensive no matter how you phrased it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5599" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T15:00:38.130" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7919" CreationDate="2017-12-11T15:49:01.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you make it sound, it isn't even clear that the set has yet been sold: a lot of things in that price category take a lot of time to actually find a buyer.  I know that I have things put up well worth the price in a lower category, and they haven't moved for &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt;.  And large complete train sets are particularly difficult since they are put together with a goal in mind and are not easy to make part of something else.  And we are talking about a total price way beyond what you usually &lt;em&gt;start&lt;/em&gt; a hobby with.  Selling the whole kaboodle piecemeal would be a whole lot of work: if you are interested in attempting that, it would make sense to offer to invest the &lt;em&gt;considerable&lt;/em&gt; work in separating the lot and selling the parts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we are not really talking just about money that you were &lt;em&gt;promised&lt;/em&gt; but actually money that you are &lt;em&gt;owed&lt;/em&gt; once the set is sold since part of the set was actually yours.  I doubt that your grandmother would stiff you on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the first question you should be asking, if any, is whether the set has already found a buyer.  I think everything else would be rather premature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10198" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T15:49:01.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7921" CreationDate="2017-12-11T16:08:10.450" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are 3 steps in general to addressing any interpersonal problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 1: state your points politely and try to convince; also try to understand the other person's point of view. You seem to have done this already and Big B ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 2: firmly but politely assert your information privacy boundaries. The aim is &lt;em&gt;not to be ineffectual here out of a desire to be too polite.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;If you have not yet taken a  tough and clear stance you should do it now.&lt;/strong&gt; Be explicit in telling your brother that his looking at your moderator pages violates not only the terms of your moderator's agreement with SE but also your own sense of propriety and privacy. Also that this matter is not debatable or negotiable.  Not to be unreasonable here, but you want to make it clear this is an important and sensitive matter for you even if he might think it trivial:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This isn't just about the mod stuff - while that certainly contributes to my unease, I don't like you watching over my shoulder watching what I'm doing generally. (Or looking at my phone.) You &lt;strong&gt;can't&lt;/strong&gt; do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was often my 2-years-younger sister's extreme seriousness in asserting herself in step 2 that made me realize 15 years ago that I could not hold my own opinions that infringed on her rights in matters that were important to her in this manner. Since your parents were found unhelpful I wouldn't recommend involving them again here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 3: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Escalate!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/gloves_are_off&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The gloves come off&lt;/a&gt; and it will no longer be a polite exchange of views. &lt;em&gt;If your brother ignores or has already ignored your most serious and reasonable efforts to convince him &lt;strong&gt;and you consider this an issue worth fighting for&lt;/strong&gt;, then it's time for a controlled interpersonal conflict.&lt;/em&gt; You can absolutely forbid him from looking at the screen after entering the password, though I don't know how you would enforce it. Enforcing it is, however, less important than laying down the no-compromise position. Create a verbal fight if you need to. Shouting and screaming and then losing control and crying a bit is a potent tool. &lt;em&gt;That applies not just to this particular case but to anything that somebody is truly passionate about.&lt;/em&gt; Tears of anger would demonstrate how important one considers the matter under debate. [I don't necessarily recommend this tactic but I have seen people including adults use it very effectively in family disputes and OP is just young enough to get away with it this year. &lt;strong&gt;If the brother ignores every reasonable approach&lt;/strong&gt; then a bit of melodrama might go a long way.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not so easy for a younger sibling to maintain their position against an older sib when parents are apathetic about intervening in the dispute, but I have seen youngsters redress the imbalance of power by ruthlessly exploiting their knowledge of Big B's or Big S's personality and weaknesses. It can become a guerilla war unless your brother sensibly withdraws at an early stage, as he rightly should. Most people cannot defeat a determined younger sibling (even in &lt;a href=&quot;https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/01/27/sports/tennis/serena-venus-williams-australian-open.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;tennis&lt;/a&gt;) because too many interpersonal factors will intervene to  complicate the contest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer and caution: since some other young person might read this answer, I will strongly suggest that &lt;strong&gt;you should proceed to step 3 only if step 2 fails.&lt;/strong&gt; Note too that only you can decide how much you wants to escalate this. I might advise you to be extremely diplomatic and never antagonize your brother or your parents, but based on the information provided in your question, that won't solve your specific problem. If this is an important issue for you then you may have to fight on its behalf. I am sure you wouldn't consider doing anything hurtful or seriously unethical anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don't stop till you get what you want&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; or till you decide it's no longer worth fighting for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T19:26:29.760" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T19:26:29.760" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7905" CreationDate="2017-12-11T19:52:15.633" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have argued many pro-science positions against those who are typically called &quot;anti-science.&quot;  I have a reasonably good track record of convincing them.  My approach, however, can be very difficult: you have to start from the assumption that you might not be right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Believe it or not, science does not get to say that something is true, and have it be so.  Science has a long track record of getting things flagrantly wrong.  The power of science is that it is capable of realizing when it gets things wrong, through repetition and reproduction of experiments, and to come up with new more effective theories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the challenges we face in society today is that science is so incredibly successful that we teach it in schools as the path to find truth.    This leads to the attitude that I find most anti-science people have: they simply reject science as a source of truth.  &lt;strong&gt;The funny thing is, they're right!&lt;/strong&gt;  However, because they are bombarded by people who, in the name of science, challenge them at every corner, they need to find something to hold on to.  They cling to any argument which sounds like it could stand up to a beating from a science-lover, using terms like those you mention:  &quot;adjuvant&quot;, &quot;metabolism&quot; and &quot;blood - brain barrier&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, the first step in persuading such an anti-science individual is to be ready to have to admit that you're not provably right.  You might be right.  As a fellow believer in science, I'll give your beliefs a heck of a lot more credibility than those which are not scientific, but we have to be ready to be wrong.  Once you consider this possibility, you are almost obliged to soften up your rhetoric.  You're forced to consider that it's entirely plausible that they're right, and you're not!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I may offer an example, the last flat-Earther I worked with was quite convinced the Earth was flat.  I didn't start from the position that they were wrong.  Instead, I tried to found out what they believe the flat Earth theory provides them that a round earth does not.  I never rejected their theory, though I did make it clear that I wasn't going to act on their theory until I was more convinced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next step takes time: hold this softer position long enough that they start to trust that you wont &quot;science the sh--- out of them&quot; when they say something.  Help them reach the point where they're willing to soften their hard anchors and risk admitting that they're not 100% confident while in your presence.  This is a trust thing, like seeing someone naked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my flat Earth friend, this process mostly consisted of having them explore why people would be so duped into this round-earth thinking.  A particularly interesting group for that discussion was that of pilots.  Pilots are actually in a position to &lt;em&gt;test&lt;/em&gt; flat Earth vs. round Earth theories.  You don't see many pilots who believe in flat Earths.  Why is that?  When they went down the conspiracy theory line with payoffs, that gave me a chance to play &quot;follow the money&quot; with him to show that there's no obvious reason why governments would cover something like this up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once they realize that neither your position nor their position is provably true, then you can start the persuasive part of the discussion.  You can try to show them why you, personally, find the scientific arguments compelling.  You can also listen to them and find out why they find their arguments compelling.  I have actually learned a lot about myself that way.  Maybe not something about vaccinations or antibiotics, but there is something to be said about the holistic approach to life.  The language of science turns out to be rather poor in terms of its expressiveness of holistic concepts, and I have found some of their models are actually rather valuable in some limited domains.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its a long process, but in the end, it's rewarding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="486" LastEditDate="2017-12-12T01:55:39.167" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T01:55:39.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7942" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7945" CreationDate="2017-12-11T21:10:02.410" Score="4" ViewCount="1027" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question was inspired by the events that took place on the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/dr-gridlock/wp/2017/12/11/they-made-her-put-out-her-cigarette-she-then-threatened-to-kill-everyone-on-the-plane/?utm_term=.3c7d4255053e&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Southwest flight from Portland to Sacramento where a woman became unruly and threatened to kill everyone on the plane when she was caught smoking a cigarette mid-flight&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In one of the comments on the linked article, a person noted how calm the person sitting next to her was even as she made these threats and other people on-board and the crew had to restrain her for the remainder of the flight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if I were the person next to her I don't know what I'd do but I don't think I'd just sit there. I feel my first reaction would be to try to reason with her and calm her down but from my experience, when someone is in such a state (clearly not making logical or reasonable actions/decisions) this approach would just make her and yourself more frustrated and agitate the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the best ways to interact with a person in an unreasonably hostile state in a situation where keeping out of it is just not an option?&lt;/strong&gt; The goal would be to calm the person down until someone of authority can come in and handle the situation (waiting to land the plane or for a police officer to show up). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd equate her behavior to that of someone acting drunk and disorderly so I'm looking for answers that could be used in this aspect as well, essentially how to communicate with and calm someone who is in an immature, illogical state of mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;A reported followed up with an interview of the woman and she could give no reason to her actions so it's still unclear if she suffers from mental illness or was intoxicated from drugs and/or alcohol. &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T23:54:27.760" Title="How to handle an unreasonably hostile individual when avoiding them/the situation is not an option?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7861" CreationDate="2017-12-11T21:10:33.323" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that you answer your own question.  &quot;I am not emotionally equipped to support them. I'd want to - they definitely need some kind of support.&quot;  You've already said it.  I understand you want to not appear harsh; this answer, worded properly, can get the point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are both more connected and more isolated from one another, courtesy of the internet.  We chat with others online and take advice from complete strangers on the internet.  Yet we don't really have friends we spend actual time with.  So people tend to overshare.  I suspect this person is doing that as well - oversharing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably the best response is based on what you feel.  It's honest and not rejecting the person; it establishes a boundary.  &quot;It sounds like you really need some support.  Unfortunately I'm not in a position to be that person; I'm really sorry about that but I'm not equipped for this role.&quot;  And leave it go there.  You take accountability for a role you can't engage in and talk about yourself, not the other person.  If they get insistent on treating you as a counselor, you may need to repeat this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T21:10:33.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7942" CreationDate="2017-12-11T21:33:22.110" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The thing is that if someone is truly being &lt;strong&gt;unreasonably hostile&lt;/strong&gt;, there's a strong chance that interacting with them at all puts you at risk of being the target of their current state of mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to say anything at all, it's probably wisest to approach them sympathetically first, so that they don't immediately shut you out.  Maybe saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's so unreasonable they're trying to kick you off the plane for smoking.  I don't see why it's this big of a deal, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's really important that after you address them at all that you &lt;em&gt;analyze their reaction to your acknowledgement&lt;/em&gt;.  If they still appear hostile or uncaring of what you're saying, again, &lt;em&gt;continuing to interact with them further puts you at risk of painting a target on yourself&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if they seem to grow a little less tense feeling like someone is understanding of their plight, try to hear them out. Let them vent why they're upset. It's either going to allow them to calm down, or buy enough time for security to show up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd still emphasize that saying &lt;em&gt;little to nothing&lt;/em&gt; is the safest thing to do. If you must engage &lt;em&gt;pay strong attention&lt;/em&gt; to their body language.  You won't have the knowledge of what this person is under the influence of (mental health issues, drugs, alcohol, etc.), and incorrectly assessing the situation can put you in harms way. You even noted at the end of your own post:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A reporter followed up with an interview of the woman and she could give no reason to her actions so it's still unclear if she suffers from mental illness or was intoxicated from drugs and/or alcohol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems to indicate that even the woman was likely not in control of her own behavioral state. Interacting with someone in this state is like Russian Roulette, and any IPS route you choose should be taken very cautiously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T21:33:22.110" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7919" CreationDate="2017-12-11T22:34:54.357" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do Nothing&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, your grandmother doesn’t actually owe you anything. You may have considered some of the pieces as your property (no matter how you got them), but the reality is they were yours only in you and your grandfather’s minds. In all reality, he purchased them, stored them, and maintained them — they were his.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the true value?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have real experiences and good memories with your grandfather toying with them for years. Your grandmother still gives generously to you, likely because she loves you. It seems to me that whatever the &lt;em&gt;monetary&lt;/em&gt; value of the train is insignificant to that. At the very least, she has already paid you in spades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don’t screw it up.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T22:34:54.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7947" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7897" CreationDate="2017-12-11T22:48:31.890" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell him what he's doing might be a bad idea? I don't want to offend him by suggesting that he doesn't know what he's doing, but I also don't want to see him sink a bunch of money into something that won't deliver. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't tell him it might be a bad idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Ask&lt;/em&gt; him about his plan and offer any advice you like at that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But trying to stop him is not your right.  You have the right to offer help and advice, but &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to stop him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate you're trying to help him not waste money, but you don't know he will and he has the right to try and make a success of it.  You need to offer suggestions that will make it more likely to succeed.  Sure warn him of a possible fail but the reason to start a business is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; always to make money, but the need to try and do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting a business is, in many ways, &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; a bad idea.  It eats time and it typically won't make a profit for years (they say budget for two or three years of losses).  But those are not reasons not to try, they're just things to be aware of before you start.  Plenty of people try and fail at starting a business, but even people who fail often regard it as a necessary thing they had to do for themselves and they don't really regret it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend has the right to try.  You have the right to try and help him with advice.  But you should not presume to try and stop him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T22:48:31.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7942" CreationDate="2017-12-11T23:16:02.640" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't feel confident in your ability to handle a hostile situation, don't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the things that tends to escalate a bad situation is having too many novices involved, particularly in crowded public places. If you don't feel confident in your ability to handle the situation, stand aside and let someone else take care of it. Having a half dozen people jump in and trade remarks, empathize, shout down, or otherwise &quot;help&quot; usually makes things much worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no one size fits all solution to dealing with hostile people. Some can be talked down, some can be bought off with a beer or two, some will continue to lash out regardless of what you say or do, and on rare occasions physical restraint becomes necessary. Gauging these situations comes with experience and practice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you absolutely must be involved and no one else will take the lead, try approaching the situation like an uninvolved third party, with no personal stake in the outcome. Your only goal is to keep things from escalating towards violence. If that means the person chain smokes and shouts till the plane lands, that's better than physical assault. Keep calm regardless of what's said. As long as nobody gets hurt it's a happy ending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In high stress situations it's really easy for things to get out of hand. It's not uncommon for people to respond to hostile situations with disproportionate violence. Violence should always be a last resort. Wrestling or punching a mentally unstable person doesn't make you a hero. When you escalated towards violence when it isn't completely necessary you become the aggressor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-12-11T23:54:27.760" LastActivityDate="2017-12-11T23:54:27.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7949" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7962" CreationDate="2017-12-12T00:10:29.703" Score="19" ViewCount="8740" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;: My 30 years-old brother messes up his life, and those of other family members, by doing nothing. I need my brother to open up and explain his point of view, so that I can understand him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I get my brother to talk with me about these issues?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a younger brother who will turn 30 in a few weeks and who has no clue what to do with his life. This affects the lives of other family members, especially that of our mother with whom he is currently living (again). Mother once mentioned that his behavior will be the reason why she will bite the dust if this continues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's start at the beginning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our father died when he was a teenager and was still going to school. At that time I somehow slipped into the father role because I was the only person he listened to. My mother barely had access to him at that time. After he finished school he went to a foreign country for a year and then moved to another country to study there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He finished his Bachelor's degree two or three years ago. Even though the death of our father deeply affected him, he seemed to be back on track. After finishing his Bachelor's he moved back to our home country (in Western Europe) and moved in with our mother and had no plans as to what to do with his life, which continues up till now. He is literally doing nothing. He never worked in his life (I'm not considering being a paperboy during school as &amp;quot;work&amp;quot;). Our mother is working in two jobs and is breaking her back and he does &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the moment I'm seeing three problems:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He's not having any money problems. We received a heritage after our grandparents deceased. A five digit figure. He used the money to invest it in the stock market. He's not gambling but really doing his research and is in the market for the long-term and makes quite a bit from time to time. If I were to guess, his current financial situation would allow up to 4 years of living alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He had offers in the financial sector (his Bachelor's is related and he considered working in this field) but you won't be able to start directly managing a billion $ hedge fund. He has a problem with the concept that, at the beginning of your career, you usually start at the bottom of the ladder and slowly climb up. He thinks he can start at the very top because &amp;quot;everything is logical&amp;quot;. Besides that, he once mentioned he doesn't want to work for someone. But he also does not want to start his own business because then he would have to deal with things he dislikes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Our mother is not throwing him out. She's afraid that she would lose her son if she throws him out. I've told her a million times to set him a deadline. Either he gets a job and split the costs or he has to move out. It took me over a year to convince her to ask at least for rent. But the amount she asked for is also more symbolic. (I don't know the exact figure but I would be surprised if it would be more than 100 Euros a month).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the beginning, I defended him to my family members that he would make his way. I don't think that you need to follow the conventional way and get a 9-to-5 job and live your life like anyone else. But he's not living at all at the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;What I've tried&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I've told him that the only problem he has and why other family members attack him, is the fact, that he's not living on his own. He doesn't need much money. He's not going partying, doing any drugs or has any expensive hobbies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I've made several suggestions as to what he could do and how he could turn his strengths and hobbies into a living.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I introduced him to people in the sector where he would like to work. But if I ask him a few weeks later, he just tells me that he didn't have the time to follow up or comes with some other phony excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;About a year ago I wrote him a (snail-mail) letter, where I explained him at length, that he's messing up his life. This gap in his CV is something he cannot explain to any potential employer. Everyone will think he was in prison or has something else to hide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two weeks after I sent him this letter I asked him if he had anything to say about it. His reply was that he didn't have any time to read it yet (even though he couldn't tell me what he was busy with). Four weeks later he told me that he still needs to think about it. He wanted to make up his mind if he would like to travel a bit or get a Master's degree or apply for an internship or a job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I offered him help if he needed some. I also suggested to go to a psychologist if there's something that holds him back that he doesn't want to talk with family members about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But nothing has happened ever since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;What I want to do:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to know how I can involve my brother in a dialog where he opens up and tells me his point of view so that I can understand him. I want to have something I can work with. The only thing I know is that he's not happy with the situation either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want to understand his behavior and would like to know from him how he imagines his future and what is currently holding him back. So that I can work from there on forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I bring up the topic, he totally blocks and gets mute and we have several weeks of silence between us. From my point of view I don't have the feeling that I'm pressuring him (considering that this has been going on for two years) and I also don't consider myself judgmental (I don't care &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; he is doing as long as he's happy and not affecting others with his behavior).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I involve my brother in a dialog where he opens up and tells me his point of view so that I can understand him?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;[Update]&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you all for being very helpful and patient. I have reached my goal and currently I am having some kind of dialog with my brother. If I could I would point out which advice was most helpful from you but it was a mixture of factors which came together. But pushing me to reflect my own behavior was definitely a huge part of solving my question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10215" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T00:49:00.603" Title="My brother messes up his life (and those of other family members) by doing nothing. How to have a talk with him about this?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7897" CreationDate="2017-12-12T00:56:56.533" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that in order to tell him correctly that it's a bad idea you first need to establish that what he wants to do, the way he wants to do it, is a bad idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to obtain more information first before assuming that he will fail in what he wants to accomplish. Perhaps making lots of money isn't his goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had two questions up top which I will draw upon for this next section:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You don't know he's going to sink a ton of cash into this or if he has spare cash and can easily afford to try. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Has he demonstrated poor judgment outside of his ability to teach. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He succeeded in convincing you to become a student, what does he need to do to convince you he can operate a different business? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We need more info.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I know people who have there own somewhat successful businesses. They all have slow growth and low attendance, but some are devoted and it's those people that they are pleased to teach.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I see &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;many&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; businesses where it's entirely clear that the business model is poorly convinced, executed, staffed, ran, you name it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's 50% Advertising Company (to convince people to work their and convince customers to purchase and come back) and 50% Joke and Novelty Store (it's a joke and the &lt;em&gt;novelty&lt;/em&gt; wore off long ago).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of those places are out of business when the lease is up, others stick it out for a few years, rarely they have way more money than brains and attempt to peddle garbage for decades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, people have the right to do that unless they are subject to some sort of inspection or certification. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He might wish to invest in and develop their own small business as a 'source of pride' to be a small/family business owner - like you will inherit your family business. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Why do people climb Everest? The risk and challenges, not to be first or safe.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply ask if he understands the costs and success rates of starting a small business, tell him you are concerned about the prospects of growth and wish him success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We need more info to do a business analysis, but that's getting off topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="7238" LastEditDate="2017-12-12T13:42:27.057" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T13:42:27.057" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7953" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7905" CreationDate="2017-12-12T04:28:51.193" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;male vegan conspiracy theorist here. Perhaps I can offer a viewpoint from the other side of the fence, as it were?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I notice your thread is earmarked as conflict aversion. The best way to avoid a conflict, is not to seek a fight in the first place. You appear to be assuming your friend is wrong based on their beliefs, but you haven't mentioned asking them for any evidence or considering &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they believe what they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contrary to all the hostile opinions here, conspiracy theorists are not an irrational bunch. For example, people here are advocating using empathy as a solution to try to prove someone wrong, in response to your question, but I don't think that's a particularly empathic thing to do, and if I had read a close friend was trying to be empathic to me only in an effort to undermine my beliefs, I wouldn't consider them as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Allow me to contrast; when I meet people, the first thing I do is try to find common ground with them, and I don't try to start arguments or try to prove myself right (because a friendship involves overlooking differences).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see a few other suggestions and views here that I'd like to comment as to why they wouldn't work, or aren't valid. You say that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In my opinion she is not nourishing her body properly&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you a professional dietician, or is this just purely your opinion? If you're trying to prove her wrong over an opinion and not a substantiated fact, you're not going to get anywhere on this point. On another:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;even when she gets a prescription, she wouldn't always take the meds&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Medication does carry side-effects, and as a vegan, I can also comment a lot of medicine also contains animal byproducts, which would very likely explain why she refuses to take the meds as a vegan. The fact you say she &quot;wouldn't always&quot; implies that she does &quot;sometimes&quot;. It's curious why you haven't considered this possibility and seem to have framed it as her distrusting the meds (if she distrusts all meds, she wouldn't take &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, her private medical affairs are hers, between her and her doctor or appropriate physician, and as you haven't expressed having any particular medical training, isn't really something you should be trying to 'correct' her on (a lot of people might try to avoid acknowledging an allergy, for example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also mention:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hate that I hide my chocolate &amp;amp; pretend to be vegan in front of her to avoid upsetting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you told &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; this? Did you ever tell her (falsely?) that you were a vegan, or are you merely hiding being a non-vegan?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she values your friendship, she will be courteous to you, and let you eat whatever you want. As a vegan myself, I thoroughly understand other people have differences of opinion, and so long as they're not trying to cover me in geasy meat laden hands, I don't judge what other people eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other side of that fence, it is also possible to get vegan chocolate (usually sold in ironically named health shops). But I feel you need to let her know her preaching is hurting the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I notice another poster remarks:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Consider introducing her to proper studies, research papers and the process they go through before its accepted by the scientific community&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.bmj.com/content/331/7514/433&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;British Medical Journal&lt;/a&gt; there's issues of publication bias, such as companies only publishing trials that present products in a favourable light (and hiding trials that show adverse effects), or as mentioned, even outright fabricating evidence or data. It isn't helped by the fact that &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/oct/22/nonsense-paper-written-by-ios-autocomplete-accepted-for-conference&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;nonsense papers&lt;/a&gt; regularly get accepted (there's even a tool that generates them online).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in a sense, presenting one set of scientific study to refute another, when the process has had a lot of questions raised (both in the past and recently), is a no-win scenario. &lt;strong&gt;Presenting scientific studies is merely just going to add more fuel to the argument fire.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you're prepared to hash out a sensible, level-headed debate (and when it comes to passionate opinions, no-one behaves sensibly), there's nothing to be gained from this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another poster remarks:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;anti-vaxxers rely on ignoring accepted scientific consensus and evidence etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Science isn't a democracy, and isn't based on a 'consensus' (Galileo, for example, was extremely unpopular), it's based on facts. It would be a sad day for exploration if scientists merely socially agreed, and didn't seek to push boundaries (if anything, cutting edge discoveries like Higgs-Boson are founded on disagreements and people conducting experiments to prove or disprove a hypothesis).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But these presumed stereotypes don't help. Perhaps she's seen the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaccine_court&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;US vaccine court&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;https://vaers.hhs.gov/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;VAERS (Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System)&lt;/a&gt;, or the long list of side effects that is documented with given vaccines. Personally, I'd argue her aversion is much more simple; vaccines contain animal products, and this is a possibility no-one seems to have considered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifically, depending on which vaccine, they can either contain virus grown in cultured cells of egg (animal product), or they can make use of dead fetus cells for virus growth, which whilst human, would definitely violate all bar the most hypocritical of vegans' beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Summary/solution&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's my strong opinion that a large portion of the behaviors are attributable to veganism, and the others are arguably non-issues (for example, nutrition and health both require specialist knowledge, and unless she's trying to force you to no get a vaccine, her other beliefs should be irrelevant in day to day friendship).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to tell her, if she is indeed preaching (I assume this is the case, however the way you've written it comes off as you've observed her behaving this way and seek to 'correct' it, rather than embracing the diversity), you need to tell her, her attitudes towards you, are hurting you/harming the friendship, and propose what you're after, like 'I want to be able to eat non-vegan foods without worrying about you criticising me on this'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can tell you from experience, you either prove yourself right (that of course assumes you are right), or have a friendship, but you often cannot have both. The process of disagreement is anti-thetical to friendship (the latter is common ground; what do you have in common with them?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you like their friendship, so how about encouraging the parts you like?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Nuclear option&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to prove them wrong, however, you need to examine what their argument rests on. What evidence or reasons do they use. Then you have to impartially dismantle it. Truth is, arguments which are right, can be presented weakly (a strawman argument), both your own and theirs, and likewise, arguments which are wrong, can be made to seem strong (publication bias, hiding of averse data etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to choose, do you really want to prove them wrong, or are you a friend that looks past differences?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Apologies for the length, but there's been plenty of answers on the other side. I won't be surprised if I get downvotes, but IPS involves considering all sides, and I felt the need to hypothetically present 'hers'.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10221" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T04:28:51.193" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7897" CreationDate="2017-12-12T05:12:32.023" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two concerns when approaching this individual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You might deflate his well thought out and discovered bubble in just one second.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take care that you compliment him sincerely at first for his innovative idea before you proceed to the point at hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Upon advising in such a matter you are saying that 'your inexperience and childishness led you to even thinking you have unveiled a new brainstorming business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is of utmost importance that you tell him your concern about the matter, however being that we want to minimize the insult he inevitably and inescapably(being that we need to save him from this foresighted disaster)has to endure,he therefore, shall evade seeing his face upon receiving your advice,as watching his reaction to the news will immensely add to his shame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore I advise that upon finishing his message he should not just stick around near him, rather give him his privacy for the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advantage of this is twofold as some shame shall be avoided and the receiver of your advice upon noticing you took care not to see him at this moment of shame will feel cared for and loved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10106" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T19:58:22.633" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7874" CreationDate="2017-12-12T07:15:52.957" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good accounts make good friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Written contracts and receipts are the way how a trade is done. Period. Yes, this prevents double requirements but it also prevents awkward questions like &quot;Did I repay you the money already?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also keep in mind that mixing money and friendship is not a good idea at all. Reasonable people know that. That's why you wrote and signed the contract in the first place, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, the only people insulted by demanding written contract/receipt are the ones who wanted to abuse your trust in them. Reasonable people will check the receipt and sign. Good friend will welcome that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just give them the receipt with appropriate wording (official if they like the official style, something creative if they like informal jokes, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;True businessmen are really uncomfortable when &quot;friendship&quot; and &quot;love&quot; are mixed with the business and when the terms are not clear. Maybe your friend is preparing the receipt too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-12T08:24:52.827" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T08:24:52.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7956" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7905" CreationDate="2017-12-12T09:32:05.707" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good place to start within yourself is: &lt;em&gt;why do you care&lt;/em&gt; what she believes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you care because you think her beliefs are getting in the way of her health.  If you ever try to refute the beliefs, make sure you lead with this, that the reason it matters to you is because you care about her and her well-being.  Starting with this and keeping it in mind will also help you maintain a respectful tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you said you were a physicist, I suspect some part of you also just has an issue with her believing things that are wrong, since your field devotes almost all of its energy to becoming objectively right.  And a good portion of the things you mentioned in your question don't have any negative health consequences, for example chemtrails, organic produce, and holistic beauty products.  Just let this stuff go.  If one of her beliefs doesn't affect her in a way that &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; cares about, she has no motive to reexamine it.  Gently notice your impulse to fight its wrongness, and refuse to oblige it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10225" LastEditorUserId="10225" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T09:26:34.670" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T09:26:34.670" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7861" CreationDate="2017-12-12T09:43:47.843" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A woman asks me out.  I'm not interested, but I want to tell her in a way that doesn't make her feel rejected.  How can I do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is an impossible question.  They want something from you, you are refusing to give it.   That's what rejection is.  Own it.  To me, not wanting them to feel rejected -- that is, feel what is actually happening -- is a lot like lying.  The truth is often scary to say, but in the long term it is often the least painful thing.  Your honest rejection is already a kindness -- you are allowing them to recoup the energy that they spent on you and put it somewhere they will actually get the support they need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there's no magic, just be truthful and (as another answer pointed out) talk about yourself.  Here's a try, using my own voice, based on what you said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&amp;lt;Name&amp;gt;, I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now.  After some reflection, I've realized that I don't have the space in my life to give the kind of support I think you are asking for.  I am sorry.  &lt;em&gt;hug&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10225" LastEditorUserId="10225" LastEditDate="2017-12-12T09:52:45.470" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T09:52:45.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1082" CreationDate="2017-12-12T12:14:16.127" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Don't help them yourself&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they get their 'validity' from the outside this will only make the situation worse, they will keep needing to make remarks like this to have others confirm to them that they are pretty or clever or talented.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Negative self-talk works its way into your perception&lt;/strong&gt;: The more a person uses it the worse they will feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Get them to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/buildingselfesteem/2015/03/stop-putting-yourself-down-and-build-self-esteem/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;build their own self esteem&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The link above has a few useful points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting anyone down, including yourself, is emotional bullying. Most of us consider bullying from others as a bad thing, so why bully yourself? It seems like we have a double standard and treat others better than we treat ourselves. It’s not okay to put anyone down and that includes yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is a good starter, pointing out that they're just bullying themselves and you wouldn't stand for it if they spoke about any of your other friends that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s important to pay attention to your negative talk — catch your negative thoughts or words early. Awareness is very important and it empowers you to make changes. Stop your negative thoughts or words and correct them as much as you can. This may be a challenge to start with and it’s important to be kind to yourself. It’s okay if you don’t get it right straight away. Change will take effort and habits won’t change overnight. Keep on practicing and you’ll see improvements. Change your talk and you will build your self-esteem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is hard, often people perceive some strength in beating themselves up - perhaps stemming from wanting to be humble to an extreme but still have others think nicely of you. In reality this is just manipulative (though don't tell them that) and much healthier for all involved if the person builds their self-esteem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T12:14:16.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7962" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7949" CreationDate="2017-12-12T15:26:28.710" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a series of questions that I think are more &quot;answer to your questions&quot; than &quot;comments on your question&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You said you have tried talking to him but he just goes off the grid and distances himself from you for weeks. These talks, were they in person? Over the phone? Letters? Emails? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reason: Meet in person with him. Don't meet him with the sole intent of talking to him about his behavior. Meet with him to have fun with him. Maybe grab some coffee or go to the movies or go to a bar (not a club, a bar) or something where you can sit down and &lt;em&gt;chat&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do you think he has any mental health issues? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reason: You said he was still heartbroken about his father passing away when he was in college. Even if his father passed when he was 19 (the oldest teenager there could be), that is still 4-5 years after that he was still upset about it. Do you think there is a possibility of something affecting him on a psychological level?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did mention that you suggested psychiatric treatment as a remedy to a possible psychological trauma. Not everyone receives that very well. If you do think he might need it, you need to have a real, lengthy conversation about that particular topic. The initial reaction to &quot;Here is a card for a psychiatrist, consider it&quot; would be &quot;I don't need that!&quot;. Because these seem more so like a result of suppressed feelings that he does not want to acknowledge. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few things I would definitely suggest in regards to your approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You said you automatically took up the &quot;father figure&quot; of the family because he listened only to you. I feel like this might have caused some complex in your brother. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That means, your &quot;talks&quot; with him and your &quot;mails&quot; to him are all going to be received as: &quot;Oh my big brother has spoken, I need to listen to him &lt;em&gt;#Sarcasm&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try going for a different approach: the &quot;I am your friend and I don't really care what you do, I am trying to learn about you&quot; kind. Your preferred outcome here is for him to open up to you. Work ONLY towards that. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Him opening up to you does not have to seem like you trying to help him. Those two are not really the same thing. You want something &lt;em&gt;from&lt;/em&gt; him, you want something else &lt;em&gt;of&lt;/em&gt; him. You have an excellent attitude about how you want him to open up to you. That is exactly what you need to do. But to do that, delete the part of the brain that compels you to &lt;em&gt;help&lt;/em&gt; him. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop talking to him/giving him ideas about what he could do. He probably has a small tiny smidgen of an idea of what he wants out of his own life. Whatever you say, he still has that idea in his head. Don't suggest anything without knowing what that is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You said he has been trading stocks. How excited/ambitious is he about doing that? Because, if he is actually excited about that and WANTS to do that, he might be very successful at it and there is no need to worry about him as much. Maybe just work on kindling his excitement about that?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conversation ideas:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main question you had needs to be addressed here too. So here are a few approaches that I've used with my older brother that worked well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have a conversation with him about how you don't really care about what he wants to do with his life as long as he is happy. You're not trying to tell him he is not happy. You are just making it clear you want to talk to him rather than advice him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Apologize for acting like you're the boss of his life and his future. I know you don't NEED to apologize and you didn't do anything wrong, but there is a possibility that he took offense to your suggestions. Apologies don't cost you anything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go back to talking about how he once mentioned to you that he doesn't know if he wants to do his master's or get an internship.... Because that seemed like the best opportunity you've ever had about him &lt;em&gt;opening up&lt;/em&gt; to you. That was about 11 months ago. And I feel like you missed a chance of talking to him. Go back to that, but DON'T mention that particular incident. Just say: &quot;I remember you telling me you wanted to do your Master's or travel more or something, where do you want to travel to?&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being lost is not a bad thing. I'd rather be lost than intentionally be in the wrong path. Consider that while talking to him. Not everyone really thinks solely about &quot;getting on track&quot;. Some people need more time than others to know what they want out of life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Definitely don't bring up the repercussions of what his &quot;absence in a career&quot; could do to him in the long run. He probably already knows it or probably does not want to hear it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps you. I struggled with this exact situation with my brother being &quot;rebellious&quot;. He didn't really affect anyone with his behavior because he'd already moved out, but he wouldn't help the family financially and was deep in drugs. I didn't really talk to him about any of that. I just made him feel like &quot;I am cool&quot; and he wanted to talk to me. We talked for hours every day and we've been really close since. I've &quot;indirectly&quot; helped him out in his life a lot and he is in a much better place now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to be recognized as a martyr, I just want to help him think out loud and guide him along the way without him knowing I am doing it! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T15:26:28.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7964" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7968" CreationDate="2017-12-12T15:55:33.590" Score="25" ViewCount="9534" Body="&lt;p&gt;Time for a holiday-themed question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I lead a small online group in an MMORPG. For the holidays, we decided to exchange gifts ala Secret Santa. As leader, I took it upon myself to organize the whole thing. The mechanics for the gift exchange was that participants would sign up, and they would give a gift of an in-game item to another random participant, and receive a gift from another random participant. We agreed on a budget, drew lots, setup a wishlist so people can get the item they want, and exchanged gifts after a few days.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, a few days later, one of the members who signed up for the exchange comes to me, upset, asking if it was OK to give gifts under the budget. She felt that she should have gotten something of equivalent value, as she also gave a gift at the right amount, saying &quot;I gave fairly&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Full disclosure, I never really talked about &quot;rules&quot; with all the participants, like whether the budget was a maximum or a minimum amount [see MAJOR EDIT below], thinking that they would at least give something close to it. However, said member only received a gift that was less than half the budget, and is upset.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know who gave her the under-budget gift, as I was the one drawing lots, and this person isn't very &quot;wealthy&quot; in-game because he was new (I was even surprised he signed up at all!), though I know he could afford the budget with just a little extra effort on his part.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am asking because, as the one who organized the secret santa, I feel responsible for the recipient's dissatisfaction, and feel like I should do something to resolve this. The recipient also expects me to resolve this, as I talked with her while writing this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to communicate to the gift-giver that they should at least give something near the budget, but I'm not sure how to: do I tell him that the recipient got upset? How do I tell him to send something more appropriate (up to budget), without upsetting him, too?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;MAJOR EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure I will be stepping on toes here, especially at the top voted answer, and I'm sorry for this. All I can say for myself is that I was writing the question tired and flustered at 12 midnight. I said above that I didn't explicitly say whether the budget was a maximum or minimum in the details. Well, now, having had some rest and digging up the chat logs manually, I &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; explicitly say &quot;at least x&quot; when I messaged everyone individually. &lt;strong&gt;So the &quot;budget&quot; I mentioned was a &quot;minimum&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarifications from comments:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The gifts are all in-game purchased with in-game currency. You can &quot;buy&quot; in-game currency with real money.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Compared to the other participants, the giver would have had to spend more, in terms of percentage, of in-game money he currently has. (think, beggar offering 5 coins vs rich man offering 5 coins kind of thing) For most of us who have been playing a while already, the budget is an affordable sum.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The gifts are not public, no one would know what you got unless you told everyone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6697" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T09:46:23.623" LastActivityDate="2019-10-02T13:18:07.800" Title="How to talk to a person not sticking to the rules of a secret santa and disappointing the receiver of their gift?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7964" CreationDate="2017-12-12T16:18:03.197" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Response to Edited Question.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When you say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Compared to the other participants, the giver would have had to spend more, in terms of percentage, of in-game money he currently has. (think, beggar offering 5 coins vs rich man offering 5 coins kind of thing) For most of us who have been playing a while already, the budget is an affordable sum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It leads me to believe that the giver most likely gave at the level he could afford.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if he could not afford the minimum then he should have either A) not joined the secret santa or B) messaged you as the organizer to ask for your advice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;of course there is still a chance he simply misunderstood that it was a minimum.. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally feel the best option in this case is to message the giver and kindly let him know that the secret Santa has a minimum gift.  Something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just wanted to let you know that in our secret Santa we all get gifts that are at least $x.   I don't want you to worry,  I just wanted to make sure I communicated that well for next time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are concerned that the giver will take offense at that then you can generalize the message and send it to every one.  Which may be a good idea since it will show the receiver that you took action to make sure &quot;un-fair&quot; gift giving doesn't happen in future exchanges.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the giver still doesn't meet the minimum next year (and after a personal reminder to give the minimum) then you may want to consider not letting him participate.  But that's a long way off yet.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My original response to the original question is preserved bellow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Original Response&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not say anything to the giver.  He gave what he thought was appropriate according to the rules/social expectations that he was aware of.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would apologize to the receiver,  telling them something along the lines of &quot;I made a mistake in planning and have learned a valuable lesson, that next time I will be sure to set a maximum and minimum amount.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the receiver continues to complain just repeat &quot;I'm sorry I'll make sure it doesn't happen in the future.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS&lt;br&gt;&#xA;While I answered your main question,  I failed to answer some sub questions so here goes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;do I tell him that the recipient got upset?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No he gave correctly according to his understanding of the rules. There is no point in making him feel bad for something he didn't know about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I tell him to send something more appropriate (up to budget), without upsetting him, too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't tell him directly next year just be more specific with the gift instructions stating.  That the gift should be between $x and $y amount. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit #2&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;It is my understanding from the question that the receiver felt that the budget number was a minimum (you must give at least this much) the giver saw the same number as a maximum (you must give no more than this amount) So they both acted correctly with in their understanding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further more gifts do not have to be, and in fact they are rarely ever equal in value. The point of gift giving is not for me to give you $20 of something and you to give me $20 of something. But rather for me to thoughtfully select/make something I think you will appreciate and give it to you hoping that it brings you some joy. It just so happens that human beings have evolved to have a strong sense of reciprocity so we frequently try to give gifts of equal value. But that reciprocity is not perfect and can vary from situation to situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorDisplayName="user4788" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T07:52:04.440" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T07:52:04.440" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7949" CreationDate="2017-12-12T16:27:45.760" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I involve my brother in a dialog where he opens up and tells me his point of view so that I can understand him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To get people to open up to you, you need to listen more than you speak, and you need to empathize with them, or at the very least, be non-judgemental (if you have been judgemental in the past, you need to be &lt;em&gt;totally non-judgemental&lt;/em&gt;.) You ask open-ended questions (no yes/no questions) and listen to/process the answers before moving on. Don't go in with a goal that is likely to make them defensive unless it's accompanied by a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of love and support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do this, but your attitude so far is probably the reason he clams up. The title of your question would make me unlikely to talk to you about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My brother messes up his life (and those of other family members) by doing nothing. How to have a talk with him about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other observations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...his behavior will be the reason why she will bite the dust...He never worked in his life (I'm not considering being a paperboy during school as &quot;work&quot;). Our mother is working in two jobs and is breaking her back and he does nothing....He has a problem with the concept that...About a year ago I wrote him a (snail-mail) letter, where I explained him at length, that he's messing up his life....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also write:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From my point of view I don't have the feeling that I'm pressuring him (considering that this has been going on for two years) and I also don't consider myself judgmental...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to think about your behavior here (remember the adage that &quot;Actions speak louder than words,&quot;) and, if you really want to have a talk where your brother feels free to express his true feelings and reasoning, &lt;strong&gt;you need to suspend judgement while you have the conversation&lt;/strong&gt;. Listen, ask, listen, ask more focused questions (not leading ones), and listen some more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you can do this if you really put your mind to it. @Crazy Cucumber has good specific examples of non-threatening openers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you considered the possibility of an anxiety disorder which makes it harder for him to get an actual job? (It seems like you have.) Just a thought to &lt;em&gt;keep in mind as you have a discussion&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck with this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T16:27:45.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7964" CreationDate="2017-12-12T16:50:38.300" Score="16" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We agreed on a budget, drew lots, setup a wish list so people can get the item they want, and exchanged gifts after a few days...I want to communicate to the gift-giver that they should at least give something near the budget, but I'm not sure how to: do I tell him that the recipient got upset? How do I tell him to send something more appropriate (up to budget), without upsetting him, too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you can be very straightforward about this by sending out a reminder to all participants repeating the terms of the agreement that was made when people signed up: &lt;em&gt;the amount and the wish list&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like a voluntary activity. There are two reasons I can think of to sign up, then send an inappropriate gift: lack of understanding about the terms of agreement, and/or a desire to 'game the system', i.e. get more than you give. Then maybe add a generic,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you happened to misunderstood the terms, now is the time to rectify the situation. Otherwise Secret Santas cause more hurt than joy, which is unfortunate in the spirit of the season. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this seems like to much to you, say nothing and don't allow the player to do a secret santa in the future. You might consider giving the offended recipient a gift from their wish list as a kindness, and hope you don't get a lot of other complaints.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T16:50:38.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7921" CreationDate="2017-12-12T17:14:14.763" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bring your shared context into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said your brother is a high-rep user on other SE sites.  He therefore knows about moderation and PII.  He also &lt;em&gt;presumably&lt;/em&gt; cares about not getting you in trouble, even if he doesn't care about making you uncomfortable with his snooping.  So address both the discomfort &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; the risk.  Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, it makes me pretty uncomfortable when you go through my browser tabs.  It feels like an invasion of privacy, like reading my email, even if that's not what you meant.  And when it's SE stuff it's particularly bad -- people have lost their diamonds because they leaked PII, and being a moderator is important to me just like being a high-rep user is important to you.  I know probably every user wants to know what &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; goes on in the Teacher's Lounge, but could you leave my browser alone?  I promise I'll share non-private stuff with you if you want to know what the moderator job is like or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use the &quot;when you do X I feel Y&quot; formula.  Don't say &quot;you're invading my privacy&quot;; say it feels like it to you, makes you uncomfortable, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use the shared bond.  You both care about SE, so he's therefore more curious about those pages than your parents would be.  Acknowledge that curiosity and then redirect it (the offer to share without violating the mod agreement).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Share your fear -- his snooping has consequences for you and that would hurt you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't share my computers with anybody (and I lock them anyway), &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; I sometimes talk about SE with my husband because it's important to me.  (He's a reader but not a user.)  I've found that I can tell him interesting things from my sites without going anywhere near private information, so I can share something that's important to me with someone I'm close with.  If you and your brother aren't already talking about SE, maybe he's trying to fill a gap (consciously or unconsciously).  If that's the case, try talking about day-to-day SE stuff more often when neither of you is sitting in front of a computer.  You both should have interesting anecdotes to share from your sites, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T17:14:14.763" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7970" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-12T17:26:43.063" Score="10" ViewCount="4932" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a student. Probably due to my upbringing, grades are very important to me and currently I have a very high average.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a group of friends that I hang out with the most and we share many classes and thus exams or assignments. They are also often present during presentations I give. They don't care about grades as much as me and their averages are much lower, 1-2 of them even failed an exam that I passed with a almost perfect score. They are significantly younger than me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I don't get the best possible grade I am disappointed and frustrated that I did not get the best possible grade and want to share these emotions with my clique.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that my attitude towards grades is not healthy, but I doubt I will be able to change it until I graduate. Rationally, I understand that it does not really matter and I am probably still going to graduate &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;cum laude&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;, but emotionally I can't stop feeling frustrated, especially since I feel that it could have been prevented, had I procrastinated only one day less. Or, due to lack of sleep, I make a very dumb mistake in the easy part of an exam. I am also frustrated with myself for not doing more to &amp;quot;guarantee&amp;quot; an A+.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case it is important: Grades are not very important for future employment, I should not have a problem finding a job. For me it's more about proving to myself (and others) that I can be a good student. I have dropped out of college in a related subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel inhibited to really open up and show my frustration to my clique because I suspect that they can't understand why I am so upset, because they would be more than happy to have these results. And I am afraid that they would think that I am ungrateful. Additionally, I suppose grades are just not an important subject to them. The best I can hope for is that someone makes a joke about whether I want to quit university now, which I don't mind at all (the comment). At least they acknowledge me this way. Of course they already know about my grades and that I am only satisfied if they are perfect. I have stated several times that I don't worry about passing an exam, it's only about getting a perfect grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Example&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On an assignment I get an A instead of A+ and we talk about the results. They ask me what I got and I say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I got an A.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and they say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Oh, congratulations!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I want to add&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I am not really happy about it, in fact I am really disappointed. Had I started a little earlier I could have fixed the part that I knew was not perfect. I rushed the whole thing in 7 days and was really hoping for an A+ but it was not enough. I feel like I was so close. And this grade will destroy my almost perfect average. And now I am going to be in a bad mood for a few days. Especially because no one really understands my frustration and how I am feeling...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't say this, or only parts of it, because I understand that they don't care about it as much as me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I am looking for/asking?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A way to communicate and vent my emotions and disappointment, maybe have a conversation that they are interested in, too. The goal for me, is to feel better and create a deeper connection with my friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Solutions that are not applicable&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Changing friends&lt;/strong&gt;: I understand that I could look for friends that have a similar attitude towards grades, and in fact I have some that can relate to my frustration a lot. But I like to be able to communicate my emotions with &amp;quot;regular&amp;quot; friends as well, because these are the people I hang out with the most and I like them for many other reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T15:57:42.520" Title="How can I communicate my frustration about very good but not perfect grades to my student friends?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7973" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7979" CreationDate="2017-12-12T20:35:19.377" Score="5" ViewCount="625" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a small bit of background, I have lived with my boyfriend for about three years now. A year ago, my younger brother (20 at the time, 21 now) moved in with us after hitting a rough patch on his own. This was agreed to by the boyfriend, so that hasn't been much of a problem, aside from having two 20 something men in the house &quot;competing&quot; for the &quot;alpha&quot; spot. The only real issue was space, as the apartment was very small.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in May, I bought my first house and we all three moved into it. A couple weeks later, we took in a second cat that a friend needed to find a home for. A week after the second cat, my brother and I adopted a brother and sister set of puppies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to today. I (25, only female in the house) work an 8-5, Monday-Friday job a 30 minute drive from the house. My boyfriend (22) works 4pm-12am on normal weekdays for a large company, but it's their busy season so he's generally working a lot of overtime. His job is also 30 minutes from the house. At the same time, he is enrolled in an online college to get a different degree. My brother is about to return from a class to start his new job as a semi driver, meaning he will be home only a few days every two or three weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While we have had money and bills sorted out since moving to the house, chores have fallen by the wayside. Thankfully, we have at least kept up with house training messes with the puppies, and we are keeping food cleaned up. But this still leaves a lot of clutter and is making this very nice house look like crap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem comes in three facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend sleeps a ton, especially during this busy part of the year. When he wakes up, he has enough time to take care of the dogs, make sure the cats are fed and their boxes are clean, eat something, and do homework. After that, he has to get cleaned up and head to work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Before he went for his intro class, my brother worked overnights at a gas station down the street. On top of this, he didn't eat well. This, at least in my (uneducated) opinion led to him sleeping a lot and generally not wanting to do anything but go to work. He didn't even want to help with the dogs, though the girl is his and they absolutely adore each other. (It's been very, very heartbreaking to watch her look for him the couple of weeks he's been gone.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have medical issues I am working through that I believe have led to my incredible lack of energy when I get home. Despite this lack of energy, I have tried my darnedest to make sure the puppies are going outside as regularly as they should be, make sure they have water and their last meal of the day, and work on training them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be able to see how we've not gotten much done in the way of chores.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to work to correct this, and my brother and I have even discussed a few points with this, mainly with yard work. I want to have a conversation with both men to work out a plan &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; how we can hold ourselves to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want to do is basically create a chore list and hold us all to it. However, there are some chores some of us can't do, and there are chores that suck (ever smelled a cat box that needs changed?) and the same person shouldn't always get stuck with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with the chore list is that it's never worked. The boys never do their part, and I never do mine. We need to work out how to get this under control, and soon, so that the mess doesn't begin to affect our health, the health of our beloved animals (I would pretty well die if I caused something bad to happen to any of them.), and visits from my mother, who has threatened to stop visiting if the house looks the same on her next visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convince the boys of how important this is and get them to work with me to both make this list as fairly as possible and actually hold each other to it without letting the chores go undone? (My boyfriend and I have tried a &quot;If you don't do your chore on your day, you have to do it the next day!&quot; and it backfired miserably... For what I'm sure are obvious reasons...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2017-12-12T20:56:58.577" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T21:35:23.523" Title="How can I set expectations with roommates/housemates a year into the arrangement, and make sure we hold each other to it?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7970" CreationDate="2017-12-12T20:56:53.267" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I got an A&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then everyone who is happy with an A will say &quot;great!&quot; and similar responses. If you then contradict them that an A is not great, they will feel criticized, not just for not getting an A, but for being such a fool as to think an A is great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I got a lower mark than I was trying for&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will understand immediately that this is not a cause for congratulations. They will commiserate with you. (Less so if you tell them the mark, but still a little.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine someone getting a cheque in the mail and saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I got $100,000&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sounds terrific, right? But they had been told it might be as much as a million, so they're disappointed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friends might try to cheer you up by telling you an A is not that bad. Or they might encourage you to figure out what happened so you can meet your goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went to university (over 30 years ago) with someone whose father had been through the same program and was top mark in the class each of the 8 terms of the program. This young man felt that second in his class was utter failure. Our attitudes to him before we knew about his father were not supportive, probably because we felt criticized for not &quot;caring&quot; as much as he did. He was constantly working, never satisfied, complained about unfairness in the strangest things. For example, he bought the texts months in advance to read them on his work terms. One year a prof had a heart attack and couldn't teach, and the new prof chose a new book. He threw an absolute tantrum over this, and many of us told him to get some perspective (someone nearly died and has been left unable to work! The unfairness here is not on you for having &quot;wasted time&quot; reading a relevant book!), which is when we learned the father story. After that we at least understood why he was like that, and it was easier for us too because we didn't feel that he was looking down on us for not striving the way he did. We all have our burdens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T13:09:45.230" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T13:09:45.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7970" CreationDate="2017-12-12T22:13:36.887" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Kate Gregory hit the mark with her excellent answer. Please consider this an expansion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard for people to empathize with someone complaining about &lt;em&gt;success&lt;/em&gt;. It may not seem like a success to you because of your expectations, but it is, nonetheless, a success in almost anyone's eyes.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An exact corellation - because it can be controlled by the amount of work you do - is complaining to your co-workers (when all of you work on commission),&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I only made $350,000 this year. I was hoping to make $400,000.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you want to vent, first, &lt;strong&gt;never divulge your grades&lt;/strong&gt;. Second, never judge your friends' grades in &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; way. (E.g. Never say anything like, &quot;Yeah, but that's because you'd be content with a B.&quot;) Third, just be a human they can relate to: someone frustrated by your failings. Just don't mention what specifically constitutes a failing in this case. Fourth, acknowledge that it doesn't seem like a failure to them if the grade is known.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know an A is a really good grade and that I should be happy with it, but I really struggle with grades and self-esteem. I feel like a failure if I don't get an A+.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People can't argue with feelings. &quot;I still &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; like a failure&quot; is the key.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully people will stop thinking of themselves and their grades long enough to really hear you and let you feel heard. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T22:13:36.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6162" CreationDate="2017-12-12T22:33:01.163" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The obvious, &quot;if we lived in a perfect world&quot; response would be &quot;they're for me.&quot;  It shouldn't even come up, really, but I'm assuming that you're asking about what happens if you need some assistance from an employee at the store and have to ask or talk about the clothing choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that your town, that store, that employee, or even you, yourself, are not at the point where it is not awkward, since it really isn't anyone's business, I don't think a little white lie is out of order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can claim to be buying for a friend or family member.  If you are fairly larger than the average female in size, you can claim that this is the source of your awkwardness, nervousness or discomfort - &quot;It's for my girlfriend/sister/mother, but we're actually about the same height and weight....&quot; - where you act slightly embarrassed for &lt;em&gt;them.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely, though, a sale is a sale, and while you may feel like you stick out like a sore thumb, most of your average retail workers are just not that engaged or interested to care if you're buying for you, a similarly-sized woman, or the reason why you are buying it (a quite popular &quot;costume&quot; for parties is for men to dress up like women, though if you were to tell the same person that you're buying for a costume party every week, they might get a bit skeptical).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, hopefully you'll get to the point, soon, where you are comfortable enough with your own feelings that you won't be as worried about what everyone else thinks.  Easy to say, by me, a bit harder, in practice, but I hope you get there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T22:33:01.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7973" CreationDate="2017-12-12T22:43:02.067" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm horrible at chores, because I'm very comfortable with a bit of chaos and tend to over-estimate my ability to be in lots of activities, so maybe I'm not the best....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With money and bills not an issue, maybe introduce a financial incentive into the mix?  $10, $20, $50 chip in per week/ two-weeks/month.... you guys would have to come up with an amount that wouldn't break anyone, but would be more than they'd want to just throw away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Money goes into the &quot;chore jar.&quot;  When the time period for doing chores is done, some system of either reclaiming your money for doing your own chores and claiming their money if you do theirs, and money staying in the jar if no one does them can be figured out. Taking 10 minutes out of a day to clean dishes or clean out a litter box seems a lot more convenient when it means not losing enough money for a round of drinks.  Also, if you wind up doing more than your share, it's not as much being taken advantage of because you are claiming their chore money, in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T22:43:02.067" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7982" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-12T23:23:40.103" Score="2" ViewCount="440" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I was backing out of my apartment's parking lot yesterday morning, I thought I heard something behind me but didn't pay it any mind (I was in a hurry to get to work after all). This morning when I looked at the rear of my car, however, I noticed a small patch of white paint about the size of a quarter - not even a dent, just some scuffed paint - on the rear bumper. Likewise, when I got home from work today I noticed a white car in the lot had a small patch of blue paint on its rear bumper at about the same height. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My car being blue, I instantly thought I must have dinged them yesterday morning and that the right thing to do is to offer to pay for it (I have no idea how much it would cost). The thing is, I have no idea who owns this car. Presumably they live in my complex but I have never seen them get in or out of the car. What do I do? Leave a note on the wind shield? What would it say?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is in Colorado, USA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10254" LastEditorUserId="8693" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T03:38:21.710" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T03:38:21.710" Title="Letting a stranger know I may have dinged their car?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;cars&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7983" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7985" CreationDate="2017-12-12T23:44:07.337" Score="10" ViewCount="1516" Body="&lt;p&gt;I run a report that requires significant data entry and is used in determining overarching financial decisions within our company that was created by some consultants I was hired to replace. I have no background in accounting, but was hired as a financial analyst (with the job description lending itself more to analytics and trends on finance, not accounting and its practices). I frequently get into situations in which lacking an accounting background gets me in trouble with the timing of pieces of the report, causing it to be wrong (general ledger entry issues, limitations on existing reporting causing data inaccuracies with the financial information, etc.) and this has lent my boss a frustrated attitude in relation to my work and the report. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, she finds my work is excellent in every other report and analysis, but says &quot;We've talked about making sure this is correct before sending it out&quot;. The information inside the report is 100% accurate, but my timing on when I'm running the reports is causing issues (mainly because other people aren't completing their entries on time), and she feels I'm the cause. I have no way of knowing nor the authority to ask whether or not these have been completed. &lt;em&gt;None of these issues are objectively my fault, I've been specifically told to report on the data how it is because I don't have the background required to make sure the information itself is correct.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My biggest issue is responding to her when she reprimands me for something I have no control over. My current tactic is to just say &quot;Ok.&quot; until she hangs up, and I feel it reflects poorly on me if I say &quot;It's not my fault because X....&quot;. When this report was first passed over to me, there was a few issues and the company had a tough time getting people to trust the information within it, but that was before I was employed here. Many of the issues I've been blamed for were caused by incorrect calculations from before I was given the report, and as the report is large (about 200 pages worth of calculation), I don't have the ability to go through it with a fine-toothed comb to make sure it's alright. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the best response to my boss when things outside my job and responsibilities are the cause of my report accuracy without sounding petty?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm not looking to &quot;manage up&quot; and get my boss to change her methods, I just want to know how to respond when she brings these up without sounding whiny or like I'm trying to pass along the blame.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T18:00:18.827" Title="How can I tell my boss that the informational inaccuracies aren't my fault without sounding whiny?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7982" CreationDate="2017-12-12T23:49:23.820" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The custom in the part of the USA that I live in is to leave a note, on a Post-it or a card under the windshield wiper, identifying the damage and including your name and contact information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A quick Google search suggests that this may be more than just a custom.  &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.insurance.com/auto-insurance/parked-car-insurance.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here's&lt;/a&gt; a much more thorough answer, that goes into legalities, but be aware that I am not a lawyer, and this is not a laws-oriented Stack Exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2017-12-12T23:49:23.820" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7983" CreationDate="2017-12-13T00:02:27.140" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell my boss that the informational inaccuracies aren't my&#xA;  fault without sounding whiny?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you can.  Your boss expects you to get this report done and done well.  So any reason you give for why &quot;you&quot; couldn't get it done will sound like an excuse to her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best solution for you is to &lt;strong&gt;be proactive in getting every one else to get their info in on time.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your Boss is holding you responsible for the report.  If you want her to see you positively, you need to accept that responsibility.  Remember if she has given you the responsibility for it that also means she has given you the authority to do it too.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to make sure that the other people make their entries on time.  If they don't have the entries in, do not run the report but rather call your boss and let her know what is going on. To be clear you should not report on the data as you have been told specifically not to. But you should make sure every one gets their entries in on time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bringing up a problem with other people not doing their work before&#xA;  the due date is far less likely to be seen as an excuse.  Bringing it&#xA;  up after the due date will almost certainly be seen as an excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is an example plan for making sure all goes smoothly with the report.  You may need to modify the details some. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Plan&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find out who all needs to make entries for the report and get their contact info.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Contact them (in person if you can) and ask them to have their entry done by x/x/x date. Tell them It's really important to &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Send them reminder emails or phone calls when the due date approaches. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Send them reminder emails or phone calls on the due date.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After your due date for the entries to be done (but before the actual due date of the report) call your boss and tell her who has not finished their entries yet. Ask for her advice on how to get the truant employees to finish them.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure the due date to have entries in by, is before your due date for the report. This way you can inform your boss about those who are not putting in the info on time  the day before you have to turn in the report.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under point number 2 since you are probably not these peoples manager it will be  important to mention that you are on your bosses errand. &#xA;You may consider calling your boss to apologize for not doing the report well enough in the past and present your plan for how you are going to get the report done well in the future.  Doing this lets her know that you are no being proactive in trying to improve your performance.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note. I suspect that it makes your boss look bad every time you send out a report with missing data, and she is passing that discomfort on to you.  That's normal behavior for humans in authority.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit #1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So from the comments @Anoplexian clarified for me that the people who are adding entries for this report are higher than her boss in the hierarchy.  Obviously this changes the &quot;plan&quot; Because you can no long claim your bosses authority to get them to fill in their data.  instead you have to make everything a request and be extra careful not to step on their toes.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly this is starting to sound like a toxic work environment.  Your Boss should not be blaming you for you (and her) higher ups not doing their jobs.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would suggest doing is writing down a plan similar to the one I outlined above.  Then ask your boss for a meeting.  say somthing like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've been unable to run report xyz properly, and I want to make sure I do it correctly the in the future.  I've made a plan for how I can do it correctly and would appreciate your feedback on this plan?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep the meeting short. (Tell her you will keep it short under 15 minutes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your presentation in the meeting should go something like this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) I'm sorry This has not been done well in the past.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Note that  you don't have to appologize for &quot;your&quot; not doing it well just that it wasn't done well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) I have a plan to fix this&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3) The problem is: Person A, person B and person C are not filling in their entries on time.  And they are my superiors so I don't really have the authority to set due dates for them to get their entries made.&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;Be sure to emphasize that &quot;you don't have authority&quot; not that &quot;personA,b,c don't fill n their data&quot;  since if you put to much emphasis on the other people not doing their job it is more likely to sound like an excuse.  But it is still true and needs to be part of the discussion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(4) We as a company should implement the following policy and give some one the authority to insure the due dates are met.&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;present your version of the plan given above in this question and then tell your boss.  I would be happy to take responsibility or the due date (though it doesn't have to be me), so long as it is clearly communicated to person A,B, and C that I am responsible for making sure those due dates are met.  Because I don't want to step on anyone's toes or overstep my bounds.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully your boss reacts well to your proactively suggesting a policy change and will help you get it implemented.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If proactively offering a solution doesn't help then you need to document that you proactively offered a solution, and document every time that the other entries are not made on time (if that's even possible)  This way if you get in trouble again you can say I've tried to fix this.  What else would you have me do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I already said good luck but seriously your going to need it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T17:06:06.160" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T17:06:06.160" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7982" CreationDate="2017-12-13T02:39:36.033" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're not totally sure if you hit a car or if this is the right car. Unless you never look at your car, I think it's safe to assume you did in fact hit a car the other day. White cars are very common, so that's not overly helpful. However, blue cars are much more uncommon, and there are many shades of blue. Take a close look at the paint left on the white car. Does it match your paint color? If so, evidence strongly points to you being the culprit, and the right thing to do is 'fess up to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leave a note on their car saying you suspect you hit their car at [date and general time of day] and leave your phone number. Include a description of where the damage is so they know where to find it in case they haven't noticed it yet. Keep it short; they can call you to exchange more info.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's rainy outside, put the note in a clear plastic bag so it'll still be legible if it gets wet. Put the note somewhere that it's very visible; it's best if the paper is fairly large and brightly colored. It should be obvious from &lt;strong&gt;inside&lt;/strong&gt; the car in case they don't look at that front before they get in. (This is because you don't want them to find the note by turning on their wipers on the freeway! I've had that happen and it nearly caused me to wreck.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once they find the note and inspect the damage, they may decide it's not worth calling you and getting insurance involved. If the do decide to call you, then you can talk to get more details from them and confirm you hit their car.   Be honest about what happened, then ask them what time they left that day and where they were parked and see if it matches up. &lt;strong&gt;Do not accuse them of lying.&lt;/strong&gt; It's likely you damaged their car and drove off without checking. You're inconveniencing them, so be polite and cooperate. If they claim they can't remember where their car was or anything like that, then you'll need to suck it up and work with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they give info that makes it impossible that you hit them, then say something like &quot;Oh, I guess it wasn't me after all. Sorry to have bothered you, and thanks for your time!&quot; Don't give them an opportunity to argue about it. I think this is unlikely, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're worried about your insurance, you can ask to pay for it or fix it yourself. You can say it's minor and that it's easier and cheaper to not get insurance involved. You can sometimes have your rates raised for claims that aren't your fault, so you can try mentioning that if they seem hesitant. If they do agree, make sure you get a written estimate from wherever they take it before they get any work done. If they insist on involving insurance companies then cooperate. It sucks, but ultimately you're at fault here, so it's not right to make their life harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, if you even suspect you hit something, take the 60 seconds to get out of your car and inspect things. It will make your life a lot easier! There could have been damage to your car that would have been very bad to find on the road, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T02:39:36.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7988" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8023" CreationDate="2017-12-13T02:53:19.500" Score="9" ViewCount="1679" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am homeschooled and due to my location I have chosen to not participate in many face to face activities because I do not enjoy being around the people who live here.  I am virtually cut off from civilization sometimes spending periods of weeks without leaving the confines of our property and communicating with no more than 3-4 non-family members.  Up to roughly 7th grade (I am now in 10th) I was well ahead of my grade level academically and since then my progress has stalled.  When I try to do something or am motivated to do something by my own curiosity I have absolutely no problem doing high level work in those areas but when I am not self-motivated, I sit there, barely able to focus, doing very little or pretending to be doing my work when I am actually doing something that entertains my mind.  Due to this lack of motivation, my performance has stalled completely and I am now at or below my grade level in several &amp;quot;boring&amp;quot; subjects.  They are starting to get worried (and rightfully so) about my lack of progress which leads to my mom wanting to help me more.  My mom's teaching quite honestly sucks and is nowhere close to ideal so I have hid under a rock and tried to teach myself so that I have even less interaction with her which in turn sets up another iteration of this vicious cycle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally in a Public (or Private) school, if you have an issue relating to a teacher, you have your parents, another teacher, another adult in your life, or in some cases the administration of the school.  In my situation, my parents (who's relationship is starting to strain a little bit) are attempting to be both teacher and parent at the same time which leaves me with nobody but myself to motivate myself because when I tell them that their teaching is not working, they both get defensive and threaten to take away my only source of outside interaction (my elective courses and my computer) if my grades don't improve.  I believe I have some undiagnosed ADD issues and possibly a little bit of depression and am completely lost and trapped between my life (most of which is banned by them but I do anyway) and my school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9935" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T17:58:57.340" Title="How to talk to my parents when they are the ones causing the problem?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7989" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7988" CreationDate="2017-12-13T03:37:45.457" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is an interesting situation, and I'm answering as someone who went through homeschool all the way to graduation.  There are several things you do want to bear in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Someone is always there that you can ask for help.  It may be a friend; it may be a brother or sister (I know, it's a scary thought, but chances are they're facing some of the same struggles); it could be a religious leader, it could be a teacher at an electives course; a friend on Facebook: there's almost definitely someone you can guardedly mention some not-overly-detailed remarks about your difficulties too.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The main problem (likely) is not so much the relationship you have with your parents as the fact that you are not being heard.  I know for myself, this was a major issue.  There have been times I felt like bursting from the &quot;secret&quot; problems I have had.  I cannot say how much it reconciled me to some people who I really struggled with when I finally had the fortitude to talk to one of my sisters about the issues I was facing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Physical conditions could have an effect.  You mentioned ADD and depression: these can be clinical and things you simply can't self-treat.  Kick-starting a discussion about the possibility of going to see a doctor about those things could be difficult, but it is probably worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;REMEMBER: your parents have their own struggles too.  You mention their relationship is a bit &quot;rocky.&quot;  It is quite possible they are reacting to you more than they intend to simply because they feel like a question about their domestic choices threaten their relationship more: in other words, they could feel that making any major changes could bring in more stress and result in more long-term issues.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope some or all of this helps; you have my sympathy: that's not an easy situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T04:26:07.453" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T04:26:07.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7988" CreationDate="2017-12-13T04:03:12.250" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;My heart goes out to you in a big way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I home schooled my children through 8th grade (my oldest through 10th.) Unfortunately, I was the teacher, the mother, the guidance counselor, the principal, etc. You have the picture, and I don't envy you. We lived on a farm on 28 acres, so there was schoolwork to do and farmwork to do. &lt;strong&gt;However&lt;/strong&gt;, they had &lt;em&gt;at least&lt;/em&gt; 3 &quot;playdates&quot;/week, sleepovers, belonged to two homeschool co-ops. a church youth group or two, and had a whole slew of homeschooled friends. This helped with subjects they didn't like. Competition, you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Due to this lack of motivation, my performance has stalled completely and I am now at or below my grade level in several &quot;boring&quot; subjects. They are starting to get worried (and rightfully so) about my lack of progress which leads to my mom wanting to help me more. My mom's teaching quite honestly sucks and is nowhere close to ideal so I have hid under a rock and tried to teach myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can you do? If you can't speak honestly to your parents, here are some options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask for a tutor. This is a totally reasonable request and is looked on favorably by evaluators (if your state requires one.)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk honestly to your evaluator. Don't wait until the end of the year. Just call her up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask to see a counselor: a therapist, if you think it's psychological. They can get the ball rolling on an evaluation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Join some online homeschooled kids groups. Look for some that have mature stands on issues, not just gripe sessions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider going to school. (Scary, but possibly the answer.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very common for parental teaching to start to stall around 10th grade. I've seen it countless times. I'm a doctor and a molecular biologist, I speak 4 languages (three fluently, plus Latin), I was a farmer, a goatherd, a dog breeder, a naturalist, a survivalist, a jack of all trades and master of a few. Yet I reached my limit at 10th grade. That's when I seriously looked for a school of excellence to enroll my two eldest children. Then the next two in their turn. This is very common. The other option I have seen is to get the kids completely to the point of successful self-driven learning by this age. That works not quite so well, from what I've seen. It's also a nice transition from homeschool to college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not alone; in fact, you're in the majority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. If I haven't addressed some of your issues, please leave a comment and I'll edit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T04:03:12.250" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7994" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="7996" CreationDate="2017-12-13T08:00:06.363" Score="21" ViewCount="6986" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a close immediate relative who has a habit of making derogatory/sarcastic/rude remark about LGBT people. He doesn't say this to their face but behind their back or makes remarks about LGBT celebrities. It happens most, if not every time this topic comes up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He doesn't really hate them but loves to make fun of them. My guess is that he doesn't know a single LGBT person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I get him to stop making those type of remarks in front of me?&lt;/strong&gt; This is making me respect him less and feel irritated. I don't want this to have an effect on our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="26" LastEditorDisplayName="user2921" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T16:30:20.527" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T05:58:54.637" Title="How to get a close relative to stop disrespecting LGBT people in random conversations without starting any argument/fight?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7994" CreationDate="2017-12-13T09:37:49.003" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from the Netherlands, so I don't know whether cultural differences are very big with regard to such topics. But here, making rude remarks/jokes about LGBT people is certainly inappropriate in most regions and even frowned upon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think, if you haven't had such a conversation already, the first thing you should do is to explain to your relative that you're not comfortable with that sort of conversations. Just explain it like you said here: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want him to stop only in front of you. Make sure to mention &lt;strong&gt;this is about you&lt;/strong&gt;, that he's free to be however rude he wants to be when around others, but that right now you'd like him to remember that you don't appreciate such jokes/remarks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain that you're willing to keep a good relationship with him, that you wanted to say this just so you wouldn't pent it all up and explode one day. Ask them if they think they could be considerate about this, so you can keep having all the good things you're having together now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also explain that you know LGBT people and that such jokes are really hurtful, that they are equal to calling the relative a &amp;lt; &lt;em&gt;insert something appropriate here&lt;/em&gt; &gt;. Maybe, if you draw a parallel between his jokes and turn them around to something he does understand and have experience with, you might get some empathy. &lt;em&gt;But proceed carefully, whether or not this will work is something you'll have to judge based on your relationship with your relative&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask him to stop, and hopefully, he respects you enough to honor your wishes. But it's just as likely he won't ever completely stop this (he might forget who he's talking to in the heat of the moment) or just think you're overreacting. In that case, here's some more ways to handle the remarks as they come up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a father that's very religious and pretty outspoken on these issues sometimes. &lt;strong&gt;He knows we don't like it when he makes certain jokes/remarks.&lt;/strong&gt; When an openly gay celebrity is on tv presenting a show, he often made remarks (he still does now, but less often). Because he already knows we don't like his remarks, here's what we did/do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore it.&lt;/strong&gt; Don't laugh at the joke, stop the conversation, have a little awkward pause and continue where you were before the conversation was interrupted by the rude remark/joke. Now, this works because he is our dad. &lt;em&gt;It might be perceived as rude to obviously ignore somebody so obviously&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Diversion tactics.&lt;/strong&gt; Again, don't laugh if it's meant as a joke. Instead of stopping and having an awkward pause, immediately continue the conversation on another topic. This works especially well when the conversation was already going in the direction of LGBT topics/ famous LGBT people. &lt;em&gt;The downside to this is that it does mean that you might never be able to discuss these things normally with him, especially in a one-on-one talk.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Peer pressure.&lt;/strong&gt; If there are more people in the group that think of his jokes/remarks as inappropriate and are willing to show this, it might make him think twice about making such remarks. &lt;em&gt;Just make sure you're not ganging up on him and bashing him completely.&lt;/em&gt; Just one person saying 'Mmm, that wasn't really nice' while the rest nods to show agreement is good enough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That's not funny/nice.&lt;/strong&gt; Call them out: you already mentioned you don't appreciate the remarks/jokes. State again that you don't find it funny. Change the topic or end the conversation altogether. &lt;em&gt;Again, this is pretty passive aggressive and it really depends on how your relative reacts to this whether this may be something you can try more than once.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, by showing your unappreciation of these remarks/jokes, the relative will start making them less and less, just like my dad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T09:37:49.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="7997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7964" CreationDate="2017-12-13T09:47:06.080" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with Dan Anderson's idea, don't say anything and just promise to rectify the situation next year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of dealing with it next year, I've been running a Secret Santa event with my friends for what will be the 4th year running now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way we deal with people not being happy with gifts is in advance, everything is done via a web app I made so this makes things a little easier for us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This includes a rules page, stating exactly what is an isn't allowed and even picks lots for us with an opt-in/out system. This helps to separate the system with any one person, as we've all read and agreed to the rules and a computer chose who got who.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of the money amount, one of the rules is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Total of gift(s) must be within £4-£5. If you really want to spend&#xA;  more nobody will stop you. But expect to get a gift of this rough&#xA;  value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has been set low mainly so that people who are poorer can still participate without someone getting annoyed because &quot;they invested more&quot;, each person knows exactly what to expect out of the exchange at minimum.&#xA;If someone were to go massively under (say, £1) words would be had and they'd possibly be removed from the system.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There have been incidents where someone wasn't happy with their gift or we got too much of X, but our system allows easy modifications to a rules page everyone could read. One year we got all mugs, so they've been restricted for now:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mugs are not allowed as the whole or majority of a gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might sound a bit dictator-y, but it means that the spirit of 'think about your gifts' is kept alive through 'curating' of the whole thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not suggesting you code your own web app for Secret Santa (I can drop you on my system next year if you message me), my idea was a bit elaborate if I'm being honest. But you need to have a list of rules somewhere easy to access (a g-doc everyone has the link to, for example) and you need to make sure people have read the rules before participating and understand their minimum obligations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anyone does all this and still breaks the rules, deal with that depending upon severity. For an issue in budgeting, having a quick word so they understand what they need to do next year is best. If they do it again, kick them out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also consider lowering your minimum budget or giving some leeway on the amount (I personally recommend £5 for Secret Santa's), you don't want your poorest users to be left out in fun events. You could even have tiered lots with different amounts. The point is just to buy someone a token of appreciation rather than an amazing gift in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastEditorUserId="9259" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T09:59:18.890" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T09:59:18.890" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7994" CreationDate="2017-12-13T11:46:15.917" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, depending on the nature of the comments - my standard trick is to pretend not to get it, and ask the person to explain why it's funny. &lt;em&gt;Usually&lt;/em&gt; comments/jokes stem from a prejudice of some form, which when it's unpacked in front of everyone is clear to see. Including the person making the comment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8676" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T11:46:15.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7983" CreationDate="2017-12-13T12:59:22.213" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... [She] says &quot;We've talked about making sure this is correct before sending it out&quot;. ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... I've been specifically told to report on the data how it is because I don't have the background required to make sure the information itself is correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My biggest issue is responding to her when she reprimands me for something I have no control over. ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The professional way to handle that is to pre-empt it by &lt;em&gt;taking&lt;/em&gt; control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not clear from the question whether generating the report and sending it out are separable tasks. If they are, then you can take control of the situation by generating the report and then, before sending it out more widely, sending it directly to your boss with the question &quot;&lt;em&gt;Is this correct and ready to send out?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; If not, you can take control by e-mailing your boss before generating the report to ask whether it is ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you make it clear to her that you are unable to determine whether it is ready. You should be prepared for a follow-up discussion where you remind her that it's outside your expertise and ask her to identify someone whose expertise does cover the situation and to allocate some of their time to applying that expertise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4831" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T12:59:22.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7970" CreationDate="2017-12-13T13:20:55.813" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am sometimes disappointed with A+, much to the confusion of my friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found that it works better if I focus on describing my performance, and not my grade. Something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I got a A, but I really think I could've done better had I just practiced my presentation a bit more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you want to keep it short&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I messed up a bit, but/so got an A.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Kate says, simply stating &quot;I got an A&quot; will be judged differently by everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3951" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T13:20:55.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8007" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8019" CreationDate="2017-12-13T14:50:11.010" Score="74" ViewCount="40452" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of days ago we looked out our window and saw that our next-door neighbor was mowing our lawn. We have noticed her lack of interpersonal boundaries on several occasions since we moved in a couple of years ago, but it hasn't outweighed the positives of being neighbors – until now. Anyway, my husband went outside and asked her what she was doing, and her reply was a mixture of concern about leaves blowing onto her lawn and wanting to do us a favor because we are such helpful and good neighbors to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were leaves in one distinct area of our front lawn close to her house, and we were on our way out to run some errands, so we shortsightedly shrugged it off and went on with our day. While we were gone she proceeded to mow our entire front lawn and the public right-of-way that extends around our property (we live on a corner lot), and she mowed it much shorter&lt;sup&gt;(*)&lt;/sup&gt; than we customarily mow it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the lawn care in our household is my domain more so than my husband's, I am volunteering to have “the talk” with her. The issues as I see them are as follows. She came onto our property and started altering it without our prior knowledge or permission and she preempted our agency and willingness to remedy something that she found problematic. She then corrected the problem far beyond the scope of what she had indicated to my husband and did it to her own aesthetic preferences rather than ours. There is another issue worth considering: the possibility of her injuring herself while on our property and our liability in that event. &lt;a href=&quot;https://injury.findlaw.com/accident-injury-law/premises-liability-who-is-responsible.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://injury.findlaw.com/accident-injury-law/premises-liability-who-is-responsible.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People with poor boundaries often don't take hints easily, so I want to be direct but not unnecessarily harsh. I'm looking for suggestions to prepare myself so that I can say what I need to say, and suggestions on how to handle what I imagine will be defensive or deflective responses on her part. I think one opening she might use is the fact that my husband didn’t explicitly tell her &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to do it, and she would have naturally assumed that he was speaking for both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(*) We mow our lawn to about three inches, and mow it once a week during the growing season, so it is never anywhere near nuisance height. I had last mowed it in mid-November, and although we have had an unusually mild fall, it has not grown appreciably since then.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10204" LastEditorUserId="7923" LastEditDate="2020-06-19T19:15:29.870" LastActivityDate="2020-06-19T19:15:29.870" Title="Uncomfortable With Neighbor Mowing Our Lawn" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8007" CreationDate="2017-12-13T15:09:21.530" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds as though she's genuinely trying to be helpful and a good neighbour. Maybe the people who lived in your property had more of a community spirit where people help each other out with chores like this, maybe they appreciated the extra help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So approach her with an air of friendliness and thanks for what she's done (even if it's not been done to your exacting standards).  The grass will grow back and there's no lasting damage been done here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just thank her for the help,and then indicate that you feel that you should be the one mowing your own lawn and that she shouldn't worry about it in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you edge toward being too demanding/exacting in what you want, then you may come across badly and this might end up in future disputes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T17:31:47.073" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T17:31:47.073" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8007" CreationDate="2017-12-13T15:22:37.623" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your neighbor sounds a bit like mine.  Both of my neighbors had been used to a bare minimum presence on my property before I took ownership, and used it as they saw fit.  The real answer here is to &lt;strong&gt;try Snow's approach first&lt;/strong&gt;, but if that fails here is your fall back plan:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're permitted to do so, &lt;strong&gt;install a fence around your property&lt;/strong&gt;.  This will eliminate the need to feel as though your neighbor needs to mow your yard by removing her access to it.  If your neighbor asks why, you could say something along the lines of &quot;&lt;em&gt;We are considering getting a dog&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorUserId="3540" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T14:27:04.740" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T14:27:04.740" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7994" CreationDate="2017-12-13T15:30:42.877" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what you're asking for- expecting them to get to change their behaviour without a confrontation that risks an argument- is a little unreasonable. There are only two ways your friend will stop making these comments, either their attitude changes or they respect you and how their comments make you feel. The third alternative is that you learn to tolerate those comments, which is probably where you are stuck with if you're unwilling to risk a confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to change their attitude, one of the best ways is just to know LGBT people. Often these sorts of characteristics are targeted in isolation, but getting to know someone puts it in the greater context of being a complete person defined by more than just that one trait. This isn't a foolproof silver bullet; people with bigoted views may seem hypocritical when they say their friends who they should be bigoted against are an exception, but it's a step in the right direction. But this, in itself, is a risk, as if the bigotry runs deeper than you realise, the association might drive them away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting them to respect how you feel is probably the most adult way to deal with the situation without trying to change anyone's mind: let them know that the remarks make you feel uncomfortable and you'd prefer not to hear them. This doesn't guarantee an adult response, though, as they might become defensive and resist having their behaviours dictated, or they just might not care enough about you to cater to your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Confrontations are healthy in any relationship: they are a bid for the other person to recognise things that don't make us happy and their ability to change to further the relationship. Keeping something to yourself robs the other person the opportunity to respond and, with issues that genuinely bother you, can compound over time and lead to arguments and fights that result from bottling up the issue. Conflict resolution is an important element in successful relationships and should be practised; if they always turn into arguments and fights I'd say you need more practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8424" LastEditorUserId="8424" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T16:30:40.747" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T16:30:40.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8012" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8007" CreationDate="2017-12-13T15:36:20.993" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Several things to bear in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, she very likely meant no harm whatsoever.  She mowed your lawn, likely thinking she was doing you a favour.  I don't know if you've noticed, but it's quite possible she keeps her lawn shorter than yours, and thought you simply hadn't had time to do it.  Therefore, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;be friendly.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;  If you feel at all irritated, you may want to opt for a card rather than an interview, since you can flower your edges a bit better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, she is encroaching on private property.  While she may be trying to be nice, it is still your property.  You have the right to mow your own lawn, and you have a right to have her not encroach on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That in mind, I would word a conversation / card something along the lines of,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Say, I noticed you mowed our lawn the other day.  Thank you for the thought, I appreciate your kindness!  In the future, though, would you mind just giving a call before coming over?  My husband and I appreciate a fairly high level of privacy, and it would mean a lot to us if you would just contact us first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; call, you can always say, &quot;Oh, thank you, but that won't be necessary: I have it on my schedule for &amp;lt; Tuesday &gt;.  We usually leave the grass until it's about 4 inches; we like the ground cover it makes.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you could just plant a hedge on the property border or some other kind of barrier, but ideally, you don't just want to communicate, &quot;You are a nuisance!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T15:36:20.993" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8007" CreationDate="2017-12-13T17:05:38.757" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mention you want to be direct with her about this, and I agree that with folks who don't take hints well, this is how you should handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you can definitely be kind and polite while being firm and direct. How I would phrase your concerns to your neighbor:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, X. We noticed you mowed our lawn the other day. While that was very kind of you and we understand you were trying to do us a favor, this feels to us like you are removing our right to decide when and how our lawn is mowed. While we absolutely appreciate your kindness, we must request that you not do this again without getting our permission first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also mentioned that part of the reason was leaves blowing onto her yard from yours. She really should give you a chance to &lt;em&gt;fix&lt;/em&gt; issues she has stemming from your property. How I would approach this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You mentioned to Husband that part of why you were doing this was {reason}. The next time there is a problem with our property that is causing you issues, please bring it to us and give us a chance to fix it ourselves. We may have different plans than you do, and we would like to have a choice on how to fix things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to bring up your concern about liability, there are a couple ways you can incorporate this. You could simply mention that you would want to make sure someone is here in case something happens and she needs a hand, depending on how this person would take a hint of ever needing help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We want to make sure that someone is here if we let you do work on our property, even something as simple as mowing the lawn. If something were to happen, we would want to make sure that you had help immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even make it sound like you're preventing liability against &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; if you think that would go over better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if you needed to move something of ours to mow around, and it became broken or went missing? We know that you would do no such thing on purpose, but if something we absolutely need is broken and worth enough money, we would have to have you at least help replace it. I don't want something like that to come between us and ruin our friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An important point here: &lt;em&gt;Enforce those boundaries.&lt;/em&gt; If she agrees to what you're telling her, you must hold her to it. If she comes onto your property doing any sort of yard work and you spot her, you must immediately go and remind her of what you spoke of. If you don't catch it until after the fact, &lt;em&gt;do not accuse.&lt;/em&gt; It might not have been her that raked your leaves, even if no one in your house did it. In those cases, be polite and just inquire if she knew who did the work. If she admits to it, thank her and remind her of the boundaries she agrees with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally feel that a talk like this is best handled in person, and it may be best to have your husband there as well. Showing a united front will keep her from having the excuse of, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Well, McCaverty doesn't like this behavior, but Husband doesn't mind! I'll just do it when Husband is home and do the favor for him!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; Discuss what you will say with your husband first, to make sure he agrees with the points you intend to raise. This way, you truly will have a united front and either of you will be able to reinforce the boundaries at need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T17:05:38.757" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8017" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-13T17:20:50.787" Score="4" ViewCount="2442" Body="&lt;p&gt;My older brother met a girl 10 days ago. Yesterday he announced to the family that they are engaged, and today we were told that they would be getting married sometime next week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The whole family is in shock. My brother is 10 years older than me (he's 40, I'm 30) and he's had several girlfriends and one broken engagement in the past couple of years. He's desperate and we're very concerned he's going to make a decision he regrets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would really like to caution him to &lt;em&gt;slow down&lt;/em&gt;. Even if it's just for a few months. Surely if this is the real deal, he can wait a bit longer and not rush into this. I know that he's in love. I know he's a grown man and it is not likely that he's going to listen to me. But I really would like to caution him nonetheless. We all are very worried about him. It is likely that we will not be able to attend the wedding, and we feel hurt that he is not including us at all and that we won't be able to meet her until next year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I approach this very delicate situation and express my concern for him and my hurt at not being able to be part of his wedding?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some more detail:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother lives ~1000km away from everyone else in the family and they will be getting married in his town. We're not obligated to come and it won't be possible to organise on such short notice. I would have loved to have gone to his wedding and celebrated with him. We're not even going to be meeting her until March due to their travel plans. All of our Christmas plans have been completely thrown off by this news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are a religious family (he is religious too) and so for the most part divorce is not an option. This decision is a lifelong one in his eyes and ours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T12:48:34.390" Title="How do I caution my brother about getting married two weeks after meeting someone?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8017" CreationDate="2017-12-13T17:36:45.850" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since your brother lives so far away from you, I think the best you can do is to try calling him and expressing yourself just like you did here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For the problem of meeting her:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Say that all the family members want to go to the wedding but only a few will go because he just explode the news for you guys. Ask for him to delay a little bit the wedding so all the family members can go and meet her. If they are going to travel together, ask for the ceremony to be in March.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For the problem of knowing each other for just a couple of days:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;This is a very delicate issue, you don't want to confront your brother and cause a family battle, so in my experience, since he's 40, you need to assume that he's making the right choice, &lt;strong&gt;BUT&lt;/strong&gt; you can talk with him about how long they know each other, (I don't know wich religion your family is) but you can ask if they are already living together (Cause that's the big problem in a marriage, the living together part is the most difficult, in the good and the bad times is when we know if we are with &lt;strong&gt;THE LOVE OF OUR LIVES&lt;/strong&gt; or not.&#xA;So I think you can express yourself in a calm way and try to lead the conversation to make him notice that he need to know her better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10243" LastEditorUserId="10243" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T17:59:16.367" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T17:59:16.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8007" CreationDate="2017-12-13T17:38:01.767" Score="70" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let the past lie and make the focus entirely on what happens next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no profit for either party in getting mired in what anyone’s thought processes were over that incident. But if you are to avoid that, you need to prepare what you want to say, but also have strategies on hand to rebuff any rehashing on her part. I would suggest considering some of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Choose your moment and setting&lt;/strong&gt;: decide where and when to talk to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid situations when she is busy and might already feel pressured. You will be the best judge of your opportunities, but you ideally want her to be relaxed and unhurried, which might mean you have to keep this on a back burner until you have had a couple of straightforward ‘neighbour’ interactions with her where it isn’t mentioned. That will avoid the impression that it’s been grinding your gears ever since (even if it has).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid obvious things like accosting her while she has an armful of groceries or is up a ladder, don’t beard her in front of her friends etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Broach the subject&lt;/strong&gt;: Don’t start as a supplicant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don’t need to apologise for anything that’s gone before, or to &lt;em&gt;ask&lt;/em&gt; her to leave your grass alone. Nor do you need her to apologise for the past cutting. Also, avoid thanking her for the previous grass-cut, even as a social nicety, it mixes the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You are not negotiating with her&lt;/em&gt;, so avoid making the whole thing a question which gives her ownership of the issue. Instead of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;‘Hi, can I talk to you about the grass cutting?’,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;try&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;‘Hi, I wanted to talk to you about the front yards, is now a good time?.’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That makes it seem like a wider topic and if she can’t talk then, she is at least likely to agree to arrange a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Choose assertive and positive words&lt;/strong&gt;: there are too many variables for me to suggest a strict script, all the wrinkles about whether you are in a place where homeowner associations make strict rules about how your plot looks etc, but here are some things to think about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you are seeking is to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;inform&lt;/strong&gt; her of your boundaries on the issue,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;confirm&lt;/strong&gt; that they are reasonable&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;thank&lt;/strong&gt; her for her anticipated agreement and compliance&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and perhaps express happiness that it has been so easy to work out how your different ideas of front yards can co-exist. Be warm without patronising.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Rebuttal strategies&lt;/strong&gt;: Try to anticipate any objections or arguments she might make and be the first to claim them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, are either of your gardens ‘out of step’ with the general run of gardens on the street? If so, be the one to raise that, whether hers is more fastidious than most or yours more relaxed, don’t leave that as something for her to try to beat you with. ie if you were to say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;‘we like our grass the length it is’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;it leaves it open for her to reply with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;‘but no-body else’s is like that’.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead consider something which makes clear that you have made an active choice about your yard, and a right that is equal to her to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that the styles you and I have each chosen for our yards is different, but like you, we have a style we like.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider if anything she has already said or done is masking a different issue. She mentioned leaves, are the leaves coming from a tree on your property? Might it be that its &lt;em&gt;all the leaves&lt;/em&gt; that are annoying her rather than the ones that migrate from your grass to hers. If that’s the case, isolate it as an issue and come up with a leaf-specific strategy. There are more ways to get leaves off grass than cutting the grass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively the leaves may just be a proxy for annoyance at the grass length, after all, leaves blow around &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; on shorter grass, longer grass tends to trap them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Look for creative solutions&lt;/strong&gt;: Is there a different maintenance solution for the ‘leafy bit’?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Can that corner be planted with, for example, a ground hugging juniper? Laid to paving? Decked?&#xA;Can you differentiate that area in a way that it won’t look odd &lt;em&gt;if you should decide&lt;/em&gt; to let her cut that limited area when she wants?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;See things from her side&lt;/strong&gt;: You don’t have to agree with her views on domestic landscaping, but you can recognise that if she is really bothered by something, it is as tricky for her to broach it with you as for you to broach with her, which may be why she went the route of direct action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can sympathise without agreeing to her preferred maintenance regime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;‘I understand that we do things differently from you, but we &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; consistent and you can &lt;strong&gt;trust us&lt;/strong&gt; that we aren’t about to let things get out of hand, we just prefer the grass a little longer.’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Aim for a ‘Good Faith’ solution&lt;/strong&gt;: if you offer to make any changes, carry through on it. Don’t commit to anything you can’t, or don’t intend to keep up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T17:38:01.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8017" CreationDate="2017-12-13T17:50:21.087" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This can be a very tough situation, especially given the distance. No one wants to be told that &quot;the one&quot; might not actually be &quot;the one&quot;, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best approaches I can think of are an appeal to his love of family or to slyly get him to realize that he does not know this woman as well as he does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first approach was touched on in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/8018/3619&quot;&gt;Lucio's answer&lt;/a&gt;, but I want to dive a little more in depth with it here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How much does your family mean to your brother? Or, how much does the relationship between the two of you, at least, mean? If the answer is &quot;a lot&quot;, you may be able to get him to give it time by appealing to this bond. Mention that you want to be there for the wedding, but can't on such short notice. If it makes you sad or upset that you can't, mention it. &lt;em&gt;Don't lie&lt;/em&gt; about how this makes you feel. If it doesn't really upset you, don't tell him it does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By making the waiting about having more people there to celebrate, you are not accusing him of not knowing what he's doing. Likewise, he has a legitimate reason to talk to this woman about delaying for a short time so that his family, or even just his sister, can make it to the wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that is unlikely to work, try asking questions. Talk to him about this woman and just ask about her. What she's like, what she does for a living, where she's from, her hobbies and interests- Things you want to know about your soon-to-be sister-in-law. This will accomplish one of two things, hopefully:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You will learn a lot more about your new sister-in-law, and may even learn that your brother knows her far better than any of you imagined. No matter how unlikely, this can happen!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your brother will realize he hardly knows this woman and may think about delaying the wedding to get to know her better.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this method is not guaranteed to work, but it might. But the important thing is, &lt;em&gt;don't judge and don't accuse!&lt;/em&gt; Don't tell him he knows nothing about this woman and is making a mistake- That will only make him defensive and possibly make him cut ties for even a short time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, try to be supportive while trying to direct his attention to the potential life-long mistake he is making. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you haven't even spoken to this woman over the phone, there is a (very slim, in my mind) chance that this is actually just your brother trying to see how he would be supported and handled for making a rash decision. I highly doubt this is the case, but if it is... Not being judgmental or accusatory will show him he can count on you to have his back while still trying to steer him away from potential danger. Even as an older sibling, it's always good to know your younger siblings are looking out for you as much as you are for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T12:48:34.390" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T12:48:34.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7988" CreationDate="2017-12-13T17:58:57.340" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was homeschooled up through college, also for academic reasons. Most of it was fairly isolated as well (rural area, typically only left the house for church-related events, didn't have a lot in common with anyone local). So I can definitely relate!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do think in this situation, your best bet is to &lt;strong&gt;have a productive conversation with your parents&lt;/strong&gt; - after all, they are the ones responsible for your education.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you say they get defensive when you say their teaching is not working. Be careful about how you say things like that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your teaching sucks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously not a good idea to say this, because it is an attack on your mother! And keep in mind that chances are, your mom is having difficulties too. Teaching does not come naturally to everyone, and she may not even feel strong in the subject material. Or she may be frustrated that she's explaining things in a way that makes perfect sense to her, so why don't you get it?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, consider something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really struggling to concentrate on this material.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is only making a statement about &lt;em&gt;yourself&lt;/em&gt;, and not blaming her. I would also include more details about what specifically makes it difficult for you, (too fast-paced, don't like the format, etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Rather than just generally complaining, give constructive criticism.&lt;/strong&gt; You say, &quot;my mom's teaching is nowhere close to ideal&quot; - think about what would be &quot;ideal&quot;, and how you (together) might work towards that. Approach it as a collaboration between you and your parents to give you the best education possible. After all, that is the point!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Suggest alternatives.&lt;/strong&gt; Maybe you could look into a different textbook, a video-based course, a homeschool co-op class, college courses, etc. (Even if you don't make friends with anyone else, it's still worth it to have a teacher who knows the subject well - this was how I learned other languages, when my parents only speak English.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also highly recommend discussing learning styles with your parents. My mom and I both read &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/1561794147&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;The Way They Learn&quot;&lt;/a&gt; early on, which was very helpful in understanding the different ways people absorb information. Let's say your mom needs absolute silence and a clean desk to concentrate, but you do best sprawled out on your floor with the TV blaring - you would both perform poorly in each other's environments, and it's unproductive to force you to do so. Going through the book together helped us understand the need for flexibility and gave us common language to talk about our styles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the years, this meant things like trying out several different math curriculums, or figuring out how to tie in subjects I disliked with subjects I liked. I still had to study things I wasn't keen on, but I was able to direct &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; (to a reasonable degree), which really enhanced my educational experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Finally, some other people you could go to:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A non-parent family member, who still cares about you and wants what is best for you, but won't take criticisms of your mother's teaching personally. They might know of a better way to approach your parents about making changes, or be willing to help you talk to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you can get involved in outside classes or an extracurricular activity, a teacher or trusted adult there&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A therapist or counselor - even if the depression is situational, it is still useful to address it, and they would be able to suggest ways to cope with the isolation issue. You could also seek someone for ADD/ADHD testing, and if diagnosed it could make those issues seem more legitimate to your parents.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;An online community, where you can ask questions like this and talk to like-minded people :)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T17:58:57.340" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7994" CreationDate="2017-12-13T17:59:37.560" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know the attitude toward LGBT in India or the region you're from, but if it's in any way similar to the southern US, where I'm from, you can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The prejudice is often deeply ingrained in the person. It's really no different from trying to persuade a racist not to be racist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing you can do is tell this person, in private, you don't think those jokes are appropriate, but that's no guarantee that anything will change. If the individual respects you, perhaps they will refrain from making such comments in the future in your presence, but their opinion is unlikely to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if their prejudice is particularly strong, they could then perceive you in a negative light for sympathizing with LGBT people and lose respect for you. You may even become a target for them if they're particular malicious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, there's no guarantee that you can address this without it having an affect on your relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4541" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T17:59:37.560" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7970" CreationDate="2017-12-13T18:17:39.117" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would not vent to people who could not empathize. The whole need to vent in this case is unnecessary risk-taking. Complaining to peers is effective because of shared experiences. You can complain about that teacher you both hate, for instance targeting an overly punitive late policy.&#xA;You would be less successful if that peer really enjoyed that teacher, or considered them an important mentor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The shared experience most people have with grades is about passing, about that D+. If they don't share your experience, they will have different emotions than you. If you have to hide details in order to have common ground, that common ground is then predicated on secrecy, which will evaporate in the harsh light of the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is easier to be discrete about a momentary feeling of disappointment than an externally verifiable fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I commend your drive, but I must recommend that you bear this indignity alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6323" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T18:17:39.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8028" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8031" CreationDate="2017-12-13T18:27:58.563" Score="50" ViewCount="13565" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my situation, I am dating someone who is the typical class-clown type and enjoys being funny and making jokes. Sometimes our coworkers (we met at work) tease him and I'll join in. Most of the time it is all in good fun. But I noticed recently that it feels like I'm ragging on him all the time for things that aren't always good-natured teasing. He has expressed that sometimes I make fun of him when he isn't in the mood, or bring up unrelated things in the joke that makes it no longer funny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of resources online for how to respond to bullying and teasing. However, I don't see resources for people who would like to learn to stop teasing their friends and family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have already discussed it(it being the problem: me teasing him is not always nice) between us. He told me that he felt upset over a particular joke. I felt bad that I had hurt his feelings and asked him what I can do to not hurt his feelings again. He described other times when he wasn't in the mood for joking and I realized that while I could tell he wasn't 100% having fun, I didn't pick up that I was directly affecting him at the time. This was how I realized that I don't know how to prevent it going forward. I don't know how to tell when I am being hurtful because he admitted he is the type to bottle it up for awhile before telling me. He also told me that 90% of the time, joking and teasing doesn't bother him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I say I feel like I'm ragging on him all the time, I mean that half an hour after a conversation or exchange, I'll feel a little bad about the things I've said or brought up, but I'm not sure if it affected him and am belatedly realizing they might have been mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In reflecting on past experiences where I was notified after the fact, I observe the following: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The person being teased argued the premise of what they were being teased about (ie: &quot;The reasons behind -- are --&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The person being teased seemed frustrated about the other activity the group was engaged in (hiking etc) &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The person teasing was more engaged with other people doing the teasing than the person being teased&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From these notes I gather that if the person being teased isn't laughing along and is redirecting the conversation in any way, that should be a Big Red Flag. Other indications of Big Red Flags would be very helpful to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I recognize that I am teasing someone too much without verbal feedback from that person?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;br&gt; &lt;strong&gt;In a conversation with 2 or more people where teasing is normal, what non-verbal cues can I look out for that the teasing in that moment is unwelcome?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;If you have experience being teased where you were hurt or uncomfortable or know how someone felt during such an episode, I believe answers to the following questions could be beneficial in a well-rounded answer: What kinds of ways have you shown that you were uncomfortable? What things did you do to try to suppress your uncomfortable feelings that may have let the other party know you were uncomfortable (if they were unaware)?&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10279" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:38:25.320" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:38:25.320" Title="How can I recognise that I am teasing someone too much without verbal feedback from that person?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;teasing&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-13T18:37:25.913" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't know when or about what is ok to tease him the, as yourself suggested, don't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I speak for myself when I say that sometimes we don't really mind about jokes and teasing, but if it comes from our special one it may be hurtful because we expect that person to be on our side. We don't expect (nor want) them to make fun of us. Maybe its the same for the guy you're dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best solution is to not tease him at all and stand by his side when he is being teased by others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2737" LastEditorUserId="2737" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T18:56:51.563" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T18:56:51.563" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-13T19:10:41.797" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I recognize that I am teasing someone without verbal feedback&#xA;  from that person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what non-verbal cues can I look out for that the teasing in that&#xA;  moment is unwelcome?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you can't  use the persons words or tone of voice to discern if they are uncomfortable, that leaves you with &lt;strong&gt;body language.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the book &quot;What Every BODY Is Saying&quot; by Joe Navarro (he worked for the FBI interpreting body language),  Joe makes a big point that when reading body language you want to watch for the changes in someone's body language.  So for example, if the person suddenly stops laughing that's a good sign that they no longer find the joking funny.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other things you could look for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A smile that turns to a frown.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Large movements with the arms or hands suddenly becoming small movements.  When people get uncomfortable they limit their movement or stop moving altogether so that they draw less attention to themselves.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Person stops making as much eye contact.  This is a good sign that they are pulling away from the conversation mentally and focusing on their own thoughts. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Person starts pointing their feet or body away from you.  People typically do this one when they want to leave a situation or end a conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really recommend &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.cp-journal.com/what-every-body-is-saying-by-joe-navarro-%E2%80%93-book-review/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;his book&lt;/a&gt;. I've read it multiple times, and you can get so much info from such a small book.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some quicker reading you could see &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/body-language/discomfort-field-guide&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this site.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bellow is my original answer to the original question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Original Answer&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I stop teasing someone I love?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply stop telling jokes about that person.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to say something because you:&#xA;A) think it is funny, and&#xA;B) it is going to be about the person you don't want to tease,  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then don't say it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dr Jordan Peterson once said &quot;don't practice what you don't want to become.&quot; (paraphrased)  The reverse is true as well  if you want to become something you will need to practice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is hard work changing your nature.  So if you mess up don't beat yourself up just tell you self specific ways you will behave differently if that situation rises again (that's practicing in your mind) and watch out for the next time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If are worried you will make some mistakes and tease some more on accident then talk to your friend and tell him what you are doing to change, and tell him you welcome him to tell you if you mess up, because you value him and want to change so that you don't tease so much.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Final note,  you may find that it is easier to stop teasing every one all together than to stop teasing just one person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T21:22:14.557" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T21:22:14.557" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8032" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7994" CreationDate="2017-12-13T19:12:13.583" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer is going to be a bit more generic than the others.  You have plenty of answers directed specifically at dealing with LGBT comments, but I think it's worth having a more generic answer which addresses the whole Interpersonal bit of IPS.  Accordingly, I would deal with the issue in steps.  The first step is simply to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you please stop doing that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While there's plenty of intentional things that people do in this world, there's also plenty of things we just do because we've never had a good enough reason to stop.  They might not stop making fun of LGBT people all the time, but they will hopefully remember that you have a preference not to hear these things.  (You do refer to them as a &quot;close immediate relative,&quot; so presumably they're willing to spare some brainpower to remember some of your likes and dislikes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we skip this step, we invite conflict.  If we approach the problem as an intentional problem, when it was not, then it's accusatory and people get defensive.  That has a horrid tendency of causing people to do more intentional things, causing more problems.  Asking politely should be the start of any discussion like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't work (and presumably it hasn't), the next step is to figure out why.  We've ruled out the possibility that it's an easy low-energy fix by asking politely.  Now we need to figure out whether they are saying these things to intentionally support some internal purpose, or if it's just a habit that's too hard to break quickly.  This can be determined by remaining polite, but firm.  Repeat your request for them to not say these things.  If it's just a habit they have, then you should see some slight tinges of embarrassment at the fact that they can't seem to make good on a single request.  If you start sensing this, then you have a choice to make: how much are you willing to push on someone negatively, embarrassing them, in order to achieve your goals.  You will have to hurt them a bit, and you have to make a judgement call as to whether that is a good idea or a bad idea.  You can help them by steering clear of situations that lead to obvious jokes at the expense of the LGBT community, but in the end, it's a question of balance here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other response is a defensive one.  If they get defensive in response to very soft gentle pressure, that is an indication that this making fun of LGBT individuals is serving a purpose in their mind, and they feel the need to defend that purpose.  At this point you have another decision point.  Is it worth your time and energy to better understand your relative?  To get past this point properly, you're going to need to expend the energy it takes to dive into &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they are making these jokes.  You'll need to dig further than &quot;making it for fun,&quot; as you mentioned in the chat room.  We need to understand what purpose it serves in their mind.  Are they uncomfortable with their own sexuality?  Do they have a really bad boss that happens to be homosexual and this is the only outlet they have?  Are they going through an existential crisis surrounding their religion and their entire life is really brittle right now?¹  Why are they saying these things?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only once you understand better why they are saying these things can you truly start to help without conflict.  You can start to provide them assistance with what they really want, rather than just combating their word choices.  Maybe you can give them an opportunity to loudly complain about their boss for their actual poor-boss-choices rather than their sexual orientation.  Maybe you can be the friend that they can trust won't poke too hard at their uncertainties.  Whatever it is, you can't find the answer on the internet.  The answer is inside your close relative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is, of course, the usual approaches.  If you're not willing to spend the time to get inside their head, you can always rely on tried and true processes.  I don't know much about India, but in America, it's totally acceptable to shame someone for their anti-LGBT views (as ironic as that sounds).  There's also always the option of just not talking to them.  If you can't take the time to learn their views, maybe they're not as close as you think.  Regardless, those approaches will bring conflict.  You get to decide if that conflict is worth it or not.  But my preference is to try to resolve these issues with no conflict, by getting into the head of the other individual and trying to help them out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;¹ This may sounds silly, but these sorts of crises do occur, and their side effects are wide.  I had a friend who went through a crisis like this, but instead of trying to help him get his footing, I destroyed the footing of every view he had, on the theory that it would force him to come to my point of view.  Instead, it just created enormous amounts of strife.  In later discussions, after his crisis was over, we talked about what effect I had had on him.  We both agreed that I did not actually encourage him to take my world view.  In fact, I encouraged him to find the exact opposite because I was destroying the fragile ideas he was relying on instead of trying to strengthen the fundamental ideas he needed to arrive at.  For some reason we always seem so surprised when we hurt someone, and their response is to go away instead of coming closer (even though it looks so obvious when written as a sentence like that).&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T19:12:13.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8034" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8067" CreationDate="2017-12-13T19:21:45.367" Score="27" ViewCount="4081" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been criticized for being too reserved and guarded. I've spent time considering how to be more open and 'authentic' with others, but my experiences have only confirmed the necessity of keeping people at a distance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when I let people really know what I think about an issue, I've experienced that my opinion is mocked or distorted to mean something other than what I intended. When I do let me guard down to reveal something about my childhood or family, it ends up being used against me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, I feel the majority of people I meet are potentially hostile and I prefer to stay quiet, keep my guard up and push people away as a result. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way to show interest in getting to know others while still protecting yourself? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10286" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:54:49.550" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:54:49.550" Title="How to show interest in getting to know others while still protecting yourself" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;&lt;teasing&gt;&lt;taunts&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-11-19T08:55:10.420" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8034" CreationDate="2017-12-13T19:52:10.427" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I sounds like you might need to &lt;em&gt;refine&lt;/em&gt; the way you express an opinion if you regularly receive a hostile or challenging response.   If the way you express an opinion has one of the following characteristics, others may find it alienating:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Dismissing the previously-expressed opinions of others in expressing your own.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Adopting a hectoring or evangelical tone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Directly confronting others  (I have found it useful to add &quot;softeners&quot; such as &quot;I've always found it useful to...,&quot; or &quot;In my experience..., etc)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Holding the spotlight significantly longer than others in the conversation, or expressing (directly or indirectly) irritation or impatience with others.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approach conversation with the goal of &quot;I'm interested in other people and how they think about things&quot; instead of &quot;I want to have the most correct opinion,&quot; conversation stays enjoyable and non-threatening for all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T19:52:10.427" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7994" CreationDate="2017-12-13T19:54:27.663" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a grandparent who makes comments like that (not just about LGBT people, but about other things like race, too) and it bugs me to no end. What I have found works most successfully is to flat out tell them &quot;that's not very nice&quot; immediately after they make a comment. I make a point of stopping the conversation to signal to them that this is important to me, and we cannot proceed until it is resolved. &lt;strong&gt;I do this every single time.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Occasionally my grandparent will become defensive, and &lt;em&gt;this paragraph might become too specific for your question&lt;/em&gt;. My grandparent has a religious faith that at its roots tries to teach love and care for other people. I &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; remind them of this. &quot;These are people you're hurting. We are not supposed to do that. We are supposed to be examples of love, as best as we can.&quot; I know you might not have faith, but regardless I feel as though many people are raised with lessons of being kind to one another. You might be able to remind him of these lessons if he is defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if all else fails you can be honest with him that these comments hurt &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;, because &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; care for LGBT people. He might not know an (open) LGBT person, but he does know someone who is hurt by his comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might take 1,000 tries, and it might be exhausting, but take heart and keep it up. This is important. I wish you luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1826" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T19:54:27.663" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8034" CreationDate="2017-12-13T20:16:22.793" Score="27" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a way to show interest in getting to know others while still protecting yourself? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. Ask more questions and listen carefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people like to talk about themselves to an extent (some a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt;). If you ask them pertinent questions and listen to the answers, you'll get to know one aspect of that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you're worried about how they might hurt you, so listen to their answers to other people as well. If there are one or more other people, and you hear someone mocking/distorting/challenging in a hostile manner what someone else says, keep your emotional distance from that person. Pay attention to who gossips, who bullies, who mocks, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel the majority of people I meet are potentially hostile and I prefer to stay quiet, keep my guard up and push people away as a result. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a balance to strike between growing a thicker skin and keeping people away. Everyone experiences being laughed at, for example, but not all of it is intended to be hurtful. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my kids was a very sensitive child, and would cry when we laughed at something genuinely funny that he did. He couldn't tell the difference between laughing at what he did and laughing at &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt;. The rest of us really had to watch ourselves around him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, now he has a daughter whom he delights in, and he laughs uproariously at her antics. This happened about a week ago at my house, and I asked him if he remembered telling us not to laugh when he was young. He said, yes, he remembered. I said, &quot;This is why we were laughing.&quot; I don't know if it will help at all, but I hope so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when your beliefs are mocked, distorted, or other, or when you're hurt/offended, look carefully at the context. If you can imagine that it was probably not meant to hurt you, chalk it up to that possibility, and you'll grow a thicker skin. If people truly hurt you, though, find a better crowd. There are plenty of good people out there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T20:16:22.793" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-13T20:17:37.860" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in your shoes before (and his). As someone who has overstepped their boundries and hurt someone unintentionally, I want to provide you with the options I've found.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, keep in mind &lt;strong&gt;everyone is different&lt;/strong&gt;. Your teasing might be fine with one person, but not fine with the next. You aren't necessarily a bully for that, but now that it's been communicated, it does need to be addressed. From what I've learned, you have two main options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Learn how to identify signals that they aren't receiving your teasing as being playful.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your partner says it doesn't bother him all the time, maybe you can talk to him about trying to achieve #1. As a general note, some people are better at showing/hiding their emotions and there's really no way to guarantee that you will be able to pick up on someones cues of being upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to approach this is if you can get him on board to try and help you help him. If you want to try this, I'd approach him by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I really haven't meant to hurt your feelings - I just had a hard time recognizing that you were becoming upset. If myself or anyone else ever oversteps, would you be able to let me know somehow?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While in groups settings, it might be preferable for him to have some kind of 'cue' to you that he's uncomfortable with the jokes (maybe they're even coming from other people).  Whether it's a text, a 'look', etc., you can help move the conversation to another topic and take away from the unwanted attention he's receiving from yourself or others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cut down on this behavior until you aren't performing it anymore at all around the people who take it personally.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your partner is bothered more often than not, I'd suggest focusing on #2. When you overstep playfulness and say something that's rubbed him the wrong way, apologize and say you're working on it. Continue to work on it by being more aware of the things you're saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easy to let teasing/playfulness get out of hand sometimes.  Practicing this exercise can help you beyond just this relationship, but can also help to ensure your teasing never oversteps in your other friendships as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T20:17:37.860" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-13T20:17:50.880" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Body language is a big key.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he stiffens, if his jokes become more over the top, if they become more frequent, if they start to get a bite to them.... All red flags.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look for the facial expressions:  Are the eyes narrowing?  is there a tightness in the corner of his mouth?  Do smiles seem forced?  Is he leaning back?  Dropping his shoulders, looking down?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm the &quot;funny guy&quot; myself, so these are things I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, look for the humor itself to take a mean term, or darken from a silly to cynical tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2017-12-13T20:42:43.137" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T20:42:43.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8034" CreationDate="2017-12-13T21:00:55.270" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The biggest thing you can do is &lt;strong&gt;show up&lt;/strong&gt;. Go to events, meet people, make small talk with them. Accept invitations to hang out and get coffee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this makes you anxious due to past experiences, keep an exit strategy in your back pocket -- but still go! It can be as simple as &quot;well, it's been great but gotta go!&quot;. You can also practice responses for when you feel the other person is acting hurtful or mocking your opinion, to help you react calmly and rationally. In the worst case, if this person really does betray your trust, know that you're not obligated to continue interacting with them. I know that's easier said than done, but it's very freeing to realize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second thing is to &lt;strong&gt;get to know &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; first&lt;/strong&gt;. As a general rule, people love to talk about themselves! Ask them questions and show curiosity in their lives and opinions, and most will happily oblige. Through these interactions, you'll learn more about their character, and be able to better judge how they might react to you sharing certain things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how you're meeting people, but I think group settings may be a good choice for you. By consistently attending a meetup, you'll 1) establish yourself as a regular, which encourages openness from them, and 2) be able to observe people's behavior without having to do all the prompting yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you get to know someone a little, start to gradually share bits and pieces of your own life and thoughts with them. Start with what's comfortable for you, and see how they respond. For example, you could share &quot;neutral&quot; opinions (is it &quot;soda&quot; or &quot;pop&quot;?!), or simple mentions of your childhood (&quot;I love snickerdoodles, my mom always baked those around the holidays!&quot;). You both get to know each other better, without touching on anything super-personal or controversial. From there, you can begin building up a rapport towards sharing more personal information and a deeper connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T21:00:55.270" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8042" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-13T21:44:03.157" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, this says it all:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I recognize that I am teasing someone without verbal feedback from that person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without verbal feedback, you can assume you are engaging in an activity the person does not care to join.  So your question is more about how much fun you can have at his expense without exhausting your credit line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now apparently you value him being a good sport.  Finding out just how much of a good sport is like in that fairy tail about the never-ending yarn or the never-ending jug.  If you go looking for the end, you'll find it soon enough and wish you didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So at least if there are other qualities about him that you appreciate, my suggestion would be to stop when he does.  And in particular be careful about joining in with a mob ribbing him.  You don't want to excel as the worst of the mob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10291" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T21:44:03.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8043" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8047" CreationDate="2017-12-13T22:06:51.990" Score="56" ViewCount="15680" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I ultimately believe that my family and friends love me and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, there is a certain culture among my immediate and extended family members and my friend group of lighthearted teasing that I feel sometimes goes too far. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It started a little over a year ago; I came home one day after getting a haircut and ran into my older sister. Upon seeing me with my new haircut she exclaimed &quot;My God, ****, you look like a bird!&quot; and started laughing. This took me aback because it didn't make any sense. I get my hair cut regularly every two months at the same time and I always get it cut in the same style. I go to the same barber shop and make sure that it's the same barber every time to ensure that there are no variations in how my hair is cut. As far as I can tell, my hair looked exactly the same as the other thousand times it had been cut and I honestly do not know why this time my sister decided that I looked like a bird. I spent a lot of time looking in the mirror and to this day I have never been able to see it. I have asked several acquaintances for a second opinion on whether I look like a bird but the results were inconclusive (a little more on that later).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, while this incident shook me I chalked it up to my sister being goofy and didn't think too much about it after that. However at supper that night my father made a similar comment to me about looking like a bird, and him and my sister starting giggling uncontrollably. I was not amused to hear this observation for a second time, but I decided to let it go and focused on eating my so they would see that I was &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; encouraging further joking at my expense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next day I left my parents' house to go back to my apartment about an hour away. I thought this would be the end of this ridiculous joke that I look like a bird, but my sister told my cousin about it. As I was roommates with my cousin at the time, he also began making periodic comments insinuating that I was a bird and it really started to get on my nerves. This became an ongoing joke that would come up very often when speaking to my sister or my father, and they would often text me unprovoked to say something. One such incident that I remember is that when bird hunting season started my father texted me and told me to watch out for bird hunters. Another time when I told him about an incident of a bird defecating on me on the way to the store, instead of showing any sympathy he laughed and said &quot;Birds sh*tting on a bird? Never heard of that before!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Outside of my family, the joke caught on with my circle of friends as well. It started with me mentioning something about it to two close friends and asking them for reassurance that I did not look like a bird. However, instead of saying that I did not look like a bird, they laughed and started making similar jokes and this quickly spread to my larger friend group such that all of them know about the bird joke at this point and often go out of their way to bring it up to the amusement of everyone except me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation has escalated to the point where I am seriously annoyed when anyone makes a joke about me looking like a bird. I am starting to fear that I will never hear the end of it from either my family or my friends and will have to listen to these bird jokes for the rest of my life. Last Christmas my sister got me a bag of bird seed for one of my presents and while I smiled and pretended to find it funny, my hands were shaking with anger and I did all I could to hide that fact. I am generally a very fun-loving person and I don't mind a good joke here and there, but it's been going on for over a year now and honestly I am sick and tired of people saying that I am a bird, or that I look like a bird. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am somewhat quiet, so a lot of the time I let things go that I probably shouldn't. This also means that if I outright asked my friends or family to stop making these kinds of jokes about me they would be very surprised and I'm afraid it may cause some kind of confrontation. I have considered talking to each person involved individually and asking them to stop, but the sheer work involved has dissuaded me from this approach. However, the situation as it is cannot continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I convey to all of my friends and family who are participating in this joke that I am hurt by their teasing and would like it to stop - without talking to each of them individually?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10247" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:42:36.913" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:42:36.913" Title="How do I tell my close-ones that I don't appreciate it when they say I look like a bird?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;teasing&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8043" CreationDate="2017-12-13T22:35:45.450" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The confrontation has already happened - your friends and family are doing something you don't appreciate and it's causing you stress. You just don't want to escalate the confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Family can be like that - family members like to get under each other's skin.  I'd suggest confronting people individually when that happens.  &quot;That was funny about a year ago and now it's become old.  let's find something else&quot; and leave it at that.  You don't say it bothers you; you just say it's gotten old.  If they keep it up, perhaps the next thing is to say &quot;Is that the best you've got? Really?&quot;  and mic drop it.  And if that still doesn't work, say you need to take a walk and go do that to give yourself time to cool down.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With friends: good friends will react to your annoyance and respect your wishes.  I'd suggest just telling them politely that your sister did that once, a while ago, you've gotten annoyed with it, you don't think you look like a stupid bird, and you'd like to do something different.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're polite about it, it's not a confrontation.  A confrontation is when you react angrily and flip the table over at dinner.  It's when someone starts shouting.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T22:35:45.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8043" CreationDate="2017-12-13T22:38:15.047" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;while I smiled and pretended to find it funny, my hands were shaking with anger and I did all I could to hide that fact.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's start with this statement. You say you don't want to talk to any of them for fear of confrontation, but let me tell you from personal experience: &lt;strong&gt;Holding this in is not healthy!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that statement is so important, I've bolded it. I do not bold things often. Now, let me explain &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; I say that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By holding your hurt and anger over these jokes in, you're doing two major things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Implicitly encouraging the behavior. You are purposely, at least in that Christmas example, encouraging the joke. Rather than making it stop, you're making it seem like it doesn't bother you. Of course they won't stop if they don't think it bothers you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are subconsciously building resentment of those making the jokes. Now, depending on you as a person, this could take &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt; to really cause problems from this point, but this will eventually make get-togethers with these people unbearable for you and you will lose relationships with them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you keep letting these points go, you're likely to either end up pushing the friends and your father and sister away and losing your closeness, if you still have any, with them or you may give yourself anxiety, issues with your appearance, depression, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can seriously cause you mental stress and emotional pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, here's how I recommend handling this. You say you don't want confrontation, and that is completely agreeable. However, if I had to guess from how you started this question, confrontation won't come from anyone you should want to keep around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's start with your father and sister. The next time you're with them, either of them, sit down with them one-on-one (Don't talk to them both at once! One at a time, or you may start to get overwhelmed trying to explain and answer questions, if any come, from both of them!) and explain how these jokes are making you feel. Use the tried and true &quot;I feel X when you Y&quot; formula, for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel really upset and self-conscious when you make these bird jokes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the anger you feel is making these meetings more of a burden for you than a familial good time, tell them! People who care about you don't want to push you away, and I have a strong feeling that your father and sister are people who care about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've addressed this with your father and sister successfully, start talking to your friends. Again, do this one at a time, starting with the friend you think is most likely to understand where you're coming from or to be sympathetic. Starting with this friend gives you a potential ally as jokes continue from the others of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to your friends, you're more likely to hit resistance in some form or another. True friends who care for you and your well-being, however, will at least ease up if not cease all together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the friends who only get worse or refuse to stop or even get aggressive? Well, you'll have to ask yourself: Do you really want to be friends with people who put their amusement above your happiness and well-being?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T22:38:15.047" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8043" CreationDate="2017-12-13T22:41:57.780" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would start out by telling people you don't think the joke is funny any time they make the joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for example, some one makes one of these bird jokes you could sigh and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That joke is so stale you should really stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep your voice calm and try to sound more like your just tired of the joke instead of frustrated by it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your question it sounds like you will need to say some variation of this many times with many different people.  This should effectively communicate to them that the joke is not funny and you want them to stop without being accusatory (accusations usually lead to some sort of conflict).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some individuals may not respond to your request.  If you have to tell the same person twice that the joke is old/not funny and that they should stop, then you will probably need to make your statement more direct and personal.  Such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you make this joke it hurts my feelings, please stop.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are worried about offending someone, you can make this more direct comment to the offender in private.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should get most people who truly care about you to stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to know that people often make fun of or demean other people to make themselves feel better about themselves.  In fact we all have a tendency to do this.  Though it sounds, from your question, as if you are surrounded by an unusually large amount of this rude behavior.  If this is the case especially in your family, people may make fun of you for being too sensitive.  Be prepared for them to tell you that they think you're being too sensitive.  If you get such a response you could say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry you feel that way,  I'm just standing up for myself and&#xA;  asking that others treat me kindly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS,  When you tell someone that you don't like their behavior, you are most likely going to get some sort of confrontation. Hopefully the above keeps that to a minimum. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T16:19:31.320" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T16:19:31.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8048" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-13T22:52:01.797" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel for both of you. There can sometimes be a fine line between friendly ribbing and something more hurtful; I've been on both sides of this line, as both the teaser and the teasee. Luckily, I think you're off to a great start by having openly communicated about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you have already had a conversation with your boyfriend about this, you have the opportunity to explicitly enlist his help. I agree with watching his body language (stiff posture, a smile that doesn't reach the eyes, body &quot;hugging&quot; type stance rather than something more open, etc.) but in case you miss these subtler signs you could agree on an unambiguous signal that he is uncomfortable. This signal should help you get a handle on his limits more quickly, since there won't be as much guess-work, and may also reduce some of the anxiety about these situations, since you both will know that you have a mechanism in place for making sure they don't get out of hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To do this you will need to have another conversation. Explain to him what you've told us: that you feel bad about this and don't want to cross the line anymore. You can also tell him that you're working on ways of recognizing when he might not be comfortable. Ask him if he knows of any &quot;tells&quot; that might help you with this, and ask him if you could set up a deliberate signal of some sort, just in case you miss these signs as you're learning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The signal could be a gesture, like tugging on an ear, or working a particular phrase into the conversation, like &quot;my Mama always says&quot;. Just make sure whatever it is isn't likely to happen spontaneously (not a habitual gesture or expression) and that it's something you can do comfortably/naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To help him feel more comfortable using the signal, and to help you not feel too chastised by it, you can frame it as a secret &quot;SOS&quot; between the two of you, rather than as him crying Uncle. It can be used when &lt;em&gt;other people&lt;/em&gt; are making him uncomfortable, as well as when it's something you say, so that you can help change the subject, and you can use it, too, in situations where you're uncomfortable for any reason—or are just tired out and want to gracefully exit a social setting. Once you're both comfortable with it, the signal can function like a friendlier, clearer version of the familiar relationship kick-under-the-table/nudge-in-the-ribs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastActivityDate="2017-12-13T22:52:01.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8034" CreationDate="2017-12-14T03:17:20.893" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Socializing is good to get to know people.The more you socialize, the more you understand people better.Benefits of socializing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.You will talk with people often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2.You would know who mocks at everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3.You know their nature quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4.You would also be aware, the one who mocks,criticizes others would do the same to everyone.&#xA;5.You would also learn how people not choose to react to a situation. Most of the times in life we react to a situation.Rather one needs to analyze whether reacting would benefit him/her in anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;6.When asked for your opinion you would be knowing by then who is genuine, who is fake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;7.You would be in a position to know who would weigh up your decision, &amp;amp; who is eagerly waiting to prey up on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10259" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T03:17:20.893" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8051" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-14T03:23:34.760" Score="12" ViewCount="7777" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in a long-distance relationship with Alice, and recently, her sister, Betty has started getting very serious with her boyfriend John (talking about marriage and the like). Alice has met and talked to John before on multiple occasions, but remained a less than average levels of communication, perhaps once a week messages and the like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, John has been contacting Alice more and more, talking about her visiting him (he lives a few hours by train from her town) and sending her drawings and pictures of the &quot;type&quot; of girls he likes. They both share an interest in yoga and stretching so they send pictures of themselves doing poses which I am largely OK with but I feel that he might be asking for them for more than research purposes. I did talk to Alice about this and she realized it too and started sending less and less pictures or trying to cut back on communications, John does not relent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The main issue:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John has in fact asked Betty to unfriend all her male friends on FB and even made her block and delete all male contacts (including me) on her phone as he gets really jealous and controls her to an extent. I want to communicate to John that him cutting every male (except family) in Betty's life while simultaneously texting Alice and asking for pictures of her is not only unfair but also makes me feel creeped out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would I effectively communicate with John that I would want him to stop but not offend him or Betty (she is very defensive of his behavior, she was, after all the one to pass John Alice's number). A bit at a loss here because I live far away and can't talk to John face to face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, not to say anything but in the past when I talked to Betty (before the blocking) about John's rules, she said it was natural for men from his region to do that. Alice and Betty are from Western Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T00:25:42.700" LastActivityDate="2019-02-10T15:11:24.430" Title="Girlfriend's sister's boyfriend talking excessively to my girlfriend" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8043" CreationDate="2017-12-14T03:44:35.360" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the best way deal with this type of relentless teasing is to consistently bore the offender with your reaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My preferred tactic is to make expressionless eye contact and flatly say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know what you're talking about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter the variation on the joke, time of day, social context...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person typically escalates a bit, hoping for a more satisfying reaction, but soon gives up after several disappointments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not to say that you need suffer verbal abuse. If your boundaries are violated, it's time to be very clear with what is and is not okay. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2370" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T03:44:35.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8051" CreationDate="2017-12-14T03:54:00.237" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have two separate issues here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Betty's partial isolation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;John's unrelenting texts with your GF&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to only address issue 1 since that's what you included in the bold, but please comment if I'm wrong to ignore issue 2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Betty's partial isolation&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you have a very reasonable concern that your friend's partner is cutting her off from all her male friends -- not only are you losing your friend, but also that sort of behavior is &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isolation_to_facilitate_abuse&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;linked with abuse&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend communicating with Alice about your concerns for her sister, and seeing what she has already done. It's possible that new information will change your opinion or influence how you deal with the situation. If you still feel concerned for Betty, you can reach out to see if she needs help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6844" LastEditorUserId="6844" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T04:16:16.417" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T04:16:16.417" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8051" CreationDate="2017-12-14T03:57:59.277" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;These kinds of &lt;em&gt;rules&lt;/em&gt; are at best childish and at worst abusive. Telling a partner who they can and can't talk to isn't as much about jealousy as it is about insecurity and control issues. Trying to control your partner so you never feel insecure isn't healthy. You trust your partner or you don't, setting &lt;em&gt;rules&lt;/em&gt; tells them that you don't. Hate to say it, but that goes for John and yourself...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... What should you do instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let Alice decide how she wants to handle John. I'm assuming that she's every bit as capable and intelligent as you are and if she really wants to be with you, she'll turn down John's attentions if she feels they're inappropriate. Let her choose to care how you feel about the situation, and let her choose to do something about it. If Alice's choices aren't something that you can live with, be honest about it and let her go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that this may sound a little cold, but you can't make people behave the way you want them to. Chivalry isn't about chasing away other suitors, it's about respecting your partner even when it isn't easy. That means respecting their judgement with other people, and allowing them to make their own choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T03:57:59.277" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-14T04:13:53.180" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit: the question now has &quot;too much&quot; in it, which makes this answer a bit out of date. But I do stand by my definition of teasing.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think a side to this that hasn't been sufficiently addressed in other comments is that making a joke about a person who is present is &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; teasing. &lt;strong&gt;Teasing is not necessarily bad: a lot of people have fun being teased.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the question is just this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I recognize that I am teasing someone&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then the answer is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are telling a joke about someone who is present, you are teasing them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6844" LastEditorUserId="6844" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T20:36:43.423" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T20:36:43.423" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8057" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8062" CreationDate="2017-12-14T05:17:53.033" Score="44" ViewCount="34549" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tend to be relatively successful (I'm a student) compared to my friends, so many times, when my friends tell me about their failures (did poorly on a test, got rejected by a college, etc.), I'm not sure how to reply. I want to let them know that it's really not a big deal and I genuinely still think they're great, capable people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Below are some of the ways I tried to say this and some of the ways my friends have mistook it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; It's ok. [Things] will get better.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; It's not ok. You don't understand how I'm feeling because you've never been in this situation before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; That doesn't matter much in the long run anyway.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; It doesn't matter for &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; because you're smart, but I'm not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Honestly, this doesn't represent your ability in any way. You're still a really capable person.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Friend, thinks:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;Yeah right, you're probably just saying this to sugarcoat the situation. Like do you actually think I'm capable since I'm so much worse than you.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; A lot of other people also [failed].&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; Well, I don't want to be a part of those people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These solutions didn't seem to work for me. Is there a better way to respond to these admissions of failure that is supportive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10304" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T05:35:47.623" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T20:22:32.500" Title="How to respond when someone tells you about their failure" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8060" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8051" CreationDate="2017-12-14T06:06:08.147" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Intro, hopefully we're on the same brainwave&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... communicate with John that I would want him to stop&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop what, exactly? Being a jealous, controlling, creepy, unfair guy? Behaving like one? Sending yoga pose pictures and invitations for your GF to visit him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those questions are vital. It seems like you've already mulled them over and narrowed down what you want him to stop. But I wrote them because at any rate they are worth reiteration. Those questions all have wildly different answers. Also you don't explicitly mention what you want him to stop. So, all you're asking for is how to communicate with him about this situation, I think you just want him to stop sending those messages. The rest of 'The main issue' will work itself out. Right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Communicating a potentially offensive message without offending&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One approach is to cut out the offensive part, e.g. the part where you tell John that he is creepy, jealous, and unfair. This is highly recommended in situations where it is not vital to the message itself. Fortunately in your situation, John is not at his core a creepy controlling person preying on your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But even if you don't directly attack his character, will he or Betty be offended that you brought up the topic at all? I doubt it. What makes you think they will? I'll try to switch the roles. You might do something that creeps someone out or is unfair. If they bring it up to you in a respectful way, will you get offended? No, you will intelligently decide whether and how the situation can be improved. That is my rough estimate of what it will be like for John and Betty to hear your input on the matter. But, seriously, what makes you think they will be offended? I only have a tiny piece of the story and know very little about your relationships with John and Betty. I leave it to your creativity to find ways to improve this rough estimate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to communicate it? I think a phone call is pretty efficient for this type of thing. But maybe you would both prefer messaging, or maybe a video-call? Snapchat with some fun filters on your faces? Again, it's hard to go beyond a rough estimate here without knowledge of what your are both comfortable with. But I think you should talk with him as soon as possible and get straight to the message you want give him. This should just be a conversation with you and him, since Betty and Alice are both ok with the situation as is. He's only affecting you. If you ask Alice or Betty to talk to him on your behalf, you're just playing the telephone game, and you are adding risk to the situation. He might end up offended, or there might be some kind of burden on your relationships with Alice or Betty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a (please don't do this word for word) example of how to say it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you send yoga poses and invite Alice over to visit, I see all that, and it seems unfair. Unfair because I feel like I deserve my own copies ;) Nah, let me explain. I think since Betty had to remove me, and all guys, from her social media and stop messaging any guys outside her family, this seems like you're taking a lot of liberty. This makes me uncomfortable because this is something I would never do myself, especially pictures of me in my yoga outfit. To make things more comfortable for me, could you stop sending this much messages about yoga to Alice? At any rate, I just want to open communications more with us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10306" LastEditorUserId="10306" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T06:14:05.763" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T06:14:05.763" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8057" CreationDate="2017-12-14T06:24:01.707" Score="85" Body="&lt;p&gt;All of those examples seem like you're minimizing their feelings. It seems natural that telling them that they're going to do better eventually would help but, when a person is feeling like a failure, and they tell you about it... if you have the inclination, the better option is to ask them to talk about it more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if someone tells you that they're struggling because their professor is really hard on the class, telling them &quot;things will get better&quot; isn't really helping and their response to you tells you that. When they say &quot;you don't understand&quot; ask them to help you understand... but you can do that even before they say it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of saying &quot;things will get better&quot;, ask them to tell you about it more. Show that you're interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A:&lt;/strong&gt; My professor is really hard on us and I'm doing really poorly in the course.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;B:&lt;/strong&gt; That sounds terrible... tell me more about what the professor is doing that's so terrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leads to a conversation... a chance for your friend to share their concerns. You don't need to console them. Listen. Ask leading questions. Don't &lt;em&gt;necessarily&lt;/em&gt; try to solve their problems - unless they ask for help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't seem interested in being drawn into a conversation about it, then just commiserate. Don't invalidate their feelings. Often, when someone comes to you to complain about a problem, they are looking for an opportunity to vent. Invite that. Give them a chance and then give them support. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to let them know that it's really not a big deal and I genuinely still think they're great, capable people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should focus, instead, on giving them a willing ear and telling them that they're great, capable people. And do so by giving them evidence, too... Instead of saying &quot;you're smart&quot; remind them of a time that you thought they were smart or capable or excellent. This shows that you know them and care about them and helps them remember that they can succeed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T06:24:01.707" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8057" CreationDate="2017-12-14T07:15:30.790" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;People don't like these kinds of responses because it makes them feel like their feelings aren't justified. You're basically saying &quot;well, your feelings actually aren't legitimate, because other people failed too.&quot; (or whatever the reason).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People can't help how they feel. If they feel horrible because they failed, telling them their feelings aren't justified makes them feel worse, not better. Because (1) they failed and (2) you told them that they have no reason to feel bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what do people want when they say these things? They want sympathy.&#xA;They want you to feel with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you do that if you haven't failed at a test before? Well surely there have been other times where you've been disappointed or had your feelings hurt? Don't focus on the reason, focus on how they're feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Aw, that sucks! I'm really sorry to hear that!  &quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can think of a similar example where you felt the same way (getting rejected, etc), you can also say something like &quot;I remember when I felt that way too...&quot;. It doesn't necessarily need to be academic, it could be something else entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't, then asking them them for more information or leading the conversation, like @Catija suggested in her answer, is also a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T08:34:43.530" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T08:34:43.530" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8043" CreationDate="2017-12-14T07:33:50.987" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are they doing this kind of jokes only for you, or to everyone? If they are doing it to everyone, does it last as long and is it as widespread? If not, it might be that your social position is an underdog in a culture of bullies, and they, perhaps unconsciously, like to take advantage of that, and they simply like bullying someone who is easily bullied. This is not healthy. You might want to consider socializing with them less and finding new friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds extreme especially in your situation because your family and friends are all involved, but sometimes it's best just to let them go, and find people who respect you and don't want to hurt your feelings. This kind of joking culture is not a good fit for you and you have right to feel that way, and if they continue to hurt your feelings you are allowed to do what is best for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course you could tell them about it. If they ask why you visit them less, you can say &quot;this is an unhealthy environment with lots of bullying and it has very bad effect on me&quot;. If they care about you, they will realize how serious it was for you and promise to stop. It is also possible they will laugh at you for being &quot;so sensitive&quot;, &quot;getting offended from nothing&quot; etc., in which case you know they will not start respecting you and you are better off without them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same thing happened to me and I was hanging out with those friends way too long. When I got out of their reach, I realized there are good people in the world and it is not normal to face this kind of bullying every day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="220" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T07:33:50.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8057" CreationDate="2017-12-14T07:55:48.170" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;It's ok. It will get better&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; is the most generic and sometimes annoying reply you can ever get.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been on both sides of the situation and this reply does sound irritating. Your intention is fine but the words to express it are not good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, try to keep your example away from the discussion as much possible and try to give some other example of someone who is at their level and did overcome failure. The more repeatable the example, the better the message will get conveyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can propose how you can help them, by studying together or sharing notes etc. , whatever suits you. I did help my friend who had good brains but a lack of attention span by studying together long back. But some can be done for other type of failures too. Help through actions is better than helping with words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="26" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T08:49:39.083" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T08:49:39.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2232" CreationDate="2017-12-14T08:13:40.047" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;No matter how you approach the father it is going to be incredibly hurtful for him and very hard to avoid bad feelings. I would NOT relate it in any way to the birthday party -- Walter and his father are extending you a kindness, and it would be more hurtful to respond with a painful revelation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As previous posters, the best would be to coerce the school to talk to Walter's parents. Could you get a group of parents together to see the principal? Schools are responsible for bullying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A second way would be to show not tell. Suggest to Walter's father that he may want to observe his kid. That you have not seen it yourself, but there is reason to think that Walter behaves differently with other kids when adults are not looking. Do not push, quite the opposite, be the first to say that it may be nothing, and admit that you have thought a lot about bringing this up. What you want is to make Walter's father/parents aware that there may be a problem, and no more. The less detail you give, the more mystery, the better. You can also add that if your son was on the way to becoming a bully (can anyone find a milder expression here?), you would want to know. In other times, this would have been put in a well thought, carefully drafter letter rather than said to a person's face. This way, the receiver (Walter's father), can have time alone to react to the unpleasant news. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not bring up the fact that the teachers know, or bring in the teachers in any way. Remember you want to provoke investigation, not to present a diagnostic. It's fairly likely that the idea to talk to the teachers will occurs to the parents if they are concerned. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, a third possibility: why not give Walter a last chance by going to the party? It's quite likely that Walter at home is a different person than Walter-at-school. At this age, kids can strike a friendship after one single great experience. Of course, I am not suggesting that you force your son to go. But you can promise that you will stay there in case he doesn't like the party. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4865" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T08:13:40.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8034" CreationDate="2017-12-14T08:29:11.693" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There are tons of ways to show someone you are interested in getting to know them without explicitly revealing things about yourself&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Initiate Contact:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are the one to approach someone else this shows immediate and obvious interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Ask Questions:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially detailed or open-ended questions. This demonstrates interest by showing that you want to know what they think about X. While keeping the focus of the conversation away from your own private life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Use body language to show you are listening:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you ask them a question, show them that you are interested in their answer by: smiling, nodding, making eye contact and reacting to the things they say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Be engaged in the conversation:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Laughing, varying the pitch of your voice and talking about things you are genuinely interested in will go a long way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Show appreciation:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the conversation with them where you have done all the above things, you can deliver the final blow by directly, or subtly telling them that you were glad to get to know them, while expressing interest to do it again in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't let personal questions about yourself ruin the flow of the conversation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After using the above techniques enough, it is inevitable that eventually some people will in turn be interested in your personal life, and it seems that here is where your problem is. Normally to deepen the friendship I would advise to open up, but since the objective of your question is the opposite, instead you should try and make sure you tactfully deflect these questions so that the interaction does not turn cold/awkward. While it is true that these things are personal to you and you are perfectly at liberty not to disclose them, that does not mean that you should make a big point about keeping them private. All relationships have a balance and if you are disclosing far less than the other person, (&lt;em&gt;especially if you make a point of it&lt;/em&gt;) then they will feel uneasy and even hurt, which is probably why you have experienced some people acting &quot;potentially hostile&quot; when you stay silent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Watch body language&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you suddenly visibly retract from the conversation, this draws attention to the fact that you don't want to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don't go silent&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone is waiting for an answer, one of the worst things you can do to draw attention to the fact you are not giving one is go silent as this will leave a large pause in the conversation in which people will take special note of you're silence and will prompt them to press you further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Provide a non-answer&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Responding to the question without giving the real answer that you did not want to disclose is a perfectly viable solution. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: So, what do &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; think about {personal topic}?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: Well one thing is for certain, I don't think it is as cool as {new topic}&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works because you kept the conversation flowing with interesting subjects by not flat out refusing to answer the question and not going silent, while still keeping your thoughts on the personal matter private. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Talk about something else&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether you gave a non-answer like above, or were able to just ignore the question. Either way, talking about something an interesting subject shortly after will keep the conversation going normally and take the focus away from the question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T08:29:11.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8070" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-14T08:41:09.640" Score="35" ViewCount="7376" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in situation where person X start telling me personal stuff about person Y and judging them for those things. It's plain complaining behind someone's back and I don't even know how much factual it can be. It might change my perspective of person Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But mostly in this situation when it's uncalled complaining which come out of nowhere, I want to tell them to shut up but without being rude. As I want to keep my terms with person X good too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I even tried saying &quot;It's their life, let's ignore it&quot;, but I got reply like &quot;but he is doing this and that&quot;. How to tackle such situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="26" LastEditorUserId="1654" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T12:51:21.623" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T21:25:11.403" Title="How to stop someone from complaining about a third person in front of you without sounding rude?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8072" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8070" CreationDate="2017-12-14T08:51:35.133" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;Things you want to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;your impressions of the person do not match&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you do not know, but suspect it might not be true or at least exaggerated&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you are not interested in this discussion&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if the person starts ranting wait for the first pause and then clarify these things in a calm tone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's not an experience I had with him/her yet so I can't help you with this. I would suggest you talk to him/her about it directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they persist, continue telling them the exact same thing: you don't mind, you can't help them, they should resolve the issue with the person directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than that try to avoid contact, but in my experience most people will stop if I continuously say that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T08:32:24.963" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T08:32:24.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8057" CreationDate="2017-12-14T08:51:50.910" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;People are doing this not in need of you teaching them how to do things right, they need support or just to express their feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be friendly and open and loving. When somebody shares their failure with you, it is a sign of trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them that everything will be okay and that they can rely on you in case of what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10308" LastEditorDisplayName="user10308" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T09:05:46.910" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T09:05:46.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8070" CreationDate="2017-12-14T08:55:41.467" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally, there are such people around us which we can't really avoid. And since everybody got someone to complain about, we always end up engaging in this kind of conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to stop someone from complaining about other person, try to change the topic instead of directly saying &quot;let's ignore it&quot;. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, gheez. I thought you were going to tell me about something happier. So, what's new in your life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, did you notice that [use something positive]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can come up with more couple of conversation changer. In this way, you can imply that you are not interested in that topic and want to talk about something else. Changing the topic is a good way to maintain your relationship with person X and person Y. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T08:55:41.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-14T09:21:12.213" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first answer, looking at body language, is right on spot. It takes some training to learn to observe when your partner is uncomfortable, and you have barely started. Keep paying attention, because what you will learn will be of use in many situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would, as a rule, &lt;strong&gt;not laugh with others at my partner&lt;/strong&gt;, unless he clearly started it or wanted to encourage it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also agree with him on a secret signal that he could give you when he wants you to stop. Be sure to pay enough attention to notice it and to stop your teasing immediately. Be careful not to give away that he signaled you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4865" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T09:21:12.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8057" CreationDate="2017-12-14T09:28:44.843" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't respond. Listen.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And listen actively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is to say, find out why your friend tells you about their &quot;failure&quot;. You may presume that they want you to suggest a solution or to offer consolation. But this is likely not about conveying information; it's about expressing some feeling (&quot;venting&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those feelings could be frustration (e.g. with the outcome), disappointment (e.g. compared to their ideal self), fear (e.g. of dropping out), anger (e.g. about the teacher) or perhaps even pride (for you, since you did well and they now realize how hard the task was). The list could go on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You listen actively by&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;signalling that you are interested, be it verbally or through gestures.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;offering your understanding and asking whether it's correct, e.g. &quot;sounds like you are really disappointed. I know you always set the bar high for yourself.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;not &quot;talking away&quot; the issue. Sometimes people do want to hear &quot;everything will be ok&quot;. More often, however, they need to sort out their feelings first, and if you teel them &quot;it's ok&quot; they just won't feel taken seriously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;not solving the problem. &quot;You should try the textbook I'm using&quot; is a problem-solving attempt. The intention is good, but again, most people need you to listen first before they can start problem-solving.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T14:11:52.707" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T14:11:52.707" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4773" CreationDate="2017-12-14T09:55:49.590" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you so close to them that they would visit you just socially, or is it likely that this visit may have to do with their son? Here are some thoughts that apply in either case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking casually about your ex, as in &quot;how is your son?&quot;, would be indelicate in the circumstances (you, him, his parents are not in a casual context). Asking about him without pretending to be casual/unconcerned would be interpreted as wanting to rekindle the relationship. If you want information, it is best to ask someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you can, and perhaps should, tell your ex's parents, early during their visit (on the first opportunity for quiet conversation) that you are sorry the breakup was so painful &lt;em&gt;for both of you&lt;/em&gt;, but that it had to be. This way you make it clear that you have no intention of renewing the relationship. You can then go on to say you are sorry for the pain it must have caused them too, indirectly, how much you value their kindness to you, in the past and in the present. Independently of your original purpose, to find out about your ex-boyfriend, &lt;strong&gt;you need to also establish a new basis for your relationship with the parents&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Then&lt;/em&gt; you may say that you hope one day to hear from them that he is well. This is their cue. Of course you should not press if they don't take it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4865" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T09:55:49.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8043" CreationDate="2017-12-14T10:59:50.657" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This also means that if I outright asked my friends or family to stop&#xA;  making these kinds of jokes about me they would be very surprised and&#xA;  I'm afraid it may cause some kind of confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do cause confrontation&lt;/strong&gt;. Not just &quot;some kind&quot;, but real confrontation. You've let your friends and family trample over your boundaries, to the point that you are &quot;trembling with anger&quot;. The whole situation has become extremely bizzarre. Yet you still prefer to keep a stiff upper lip. &lt;strong&gt;Don't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be afraid either. Yes, this will shake up everybody a little bit, including yourself. It may change a few things beyond the &quot;bird situation&quot;, and that's good for everyone involved, not least yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I'm aware that my advice challenges your premise to not cause confrontation. But I'm convinced this premise is why the situation has become what it is. &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; have allowed this to happen. Don't feel bad though, you can also stop it.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T14:20:56.147" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T14:20:56.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7970" CreationDate="2017-12-14T11:27:30.113" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although most of the answers so far are pretty good, I believe they focus only in palliative measures to deal with the situation. As you have said, what you're experiencing is a kind of obsession and you should deal with that first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe you can live a lighter life without the burden of perfection and find joy in your current results. Failure and imperfection is part of human nature, is part of the progress towards maturity and wisdom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To live a life always trying to score perfection in academia or professionally or in any other aspect of life, is exasperating. It prevents us to live a more grateful life for what we have achiev despite our current or previous failures. It prevents not only ourselves, but all those who are with us, friends and family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a invitation to a mediocre life, this is a invitation to recognize and cherish ours achievements and to understand that sometimes good is better than excelent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4225" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T11:27:30.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8070" CreationDate="2017-12-14T12:11:41.453" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You tell them that you're sorry, but you don't want to gossip about someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using the word gossip (because it IS gossip) sends a very clear message that this is not a correct behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat it every time the person brings it up so that they take you seriously and don't engage in it at all.  Don't agree with this person, don't defend the other person, just don't discuss the other person at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend still talks about the other person then remind your friend that you've had this discussion and that you won't talk about someone behind their back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the ASSERTIVE approach.  It is neither agressive or yielding, but it gets the point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T12:11:41.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8085" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8136" CreationDate="2017-12-14T12:22:00.870" Score="2" ViewCount="1267" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have recently acquired parts for my PC build and will soon be building it. I had been building my anticipation with my friends but also with my siblings. Now a friend said he wants to build it with me and I have invited him to come over on the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently however, my elder brother also said he wants in and despite no issues being here, why should I exclude my little sister then? But that is a &lt;strong&gt;cultural thing that I cannot include her and my friend together&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The friend, being a gamer I felt, &lt;em&gt;'deserves' to be present&lt;/em&gt; as he'd appreciate the inclusion. My siblings, on the other hand, are not gamers or power users by a long shot. But they certainly are very interested in building it with me. They might not know the software and hardware or anything such but were &lt;em&gt;very impressed&lt;/em&gt; by the beauty and aesthetics of the components I acquired.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dilemma here was that I am in post-op recovery so I will not be able to handle the heavy items and the friend has assured he can do it. But when my brother has said the same, I decided that I would build the PC with my siblings, because I will be more comfortable with a family member having the liability over anyone else. This means that I now face the problem that I have to pull back the offer I made to my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I uninvite my friend from building the PC together, without creating an awkward situation between us? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I want to let him down softly, making him understand why I changed my mind.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Our friendship is important to me and I don't want this decision to have a negative affect on our friendship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10322" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T13:46:13.777" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T20:16:49.560" Title="How do I uninvite a friend from building a PC because I decided to invite others?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8088" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7970" CreationDate="2017-12-14T12:39:48.297" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The issue cannot be resolved in a single conversation, said out of context it's bound to end badly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;True, it does help when you change from: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I am disappointed with an A.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I feel I could have done better.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in both cases many people will be unsympathetic, because either it can be frustrating or insulting to hear, or just sounds like this is wholly self inflicted and overblown by your choosing to create unrealistic expectations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to be able to discuss this with your peers, you have to attempt to understand how they feel about it, and they need to better understand how you feel about it. If you bring this up well before the exam result, it will help people to sympathise with each other.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say you have a conversation with your friends about what they expect to achieve in the coming exams, how much work they'd want to put in to achieve that, and what success or failure means to them. This will help preface the outcome, and generally should make everyone have a bit more of a realistic view of what they can achieve.  Then when exam results come out, people will be more sympathetic to all involved because they have gained an awareness of everyone's aspirations and efforts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1923" LastEditorUserId="1923" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T15:57:42.520" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T15:57:42.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8070" CreationDate="2017-12-14T13:02:49.250" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why not trying Non Violent Communication : &quot;I prefer not to talk about him/her when (s)he's not here&quot;. Because that actually is your wish, quite simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should make the person you're with understand that you do not feel comfortable, and move the focus onto the present situation rather than on a judgement about the person who's not there ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10325" LastEditorUserId="10325" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T15:05:21.753" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T15:05:21.753" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8070" CreationDate="2017-12-14T13:07:39.567" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want a person to stop telling you something you don't like, but you also don't want to sound rude, than tell them the problem is you feeling confused to listen to the particular facts, rather then them telling it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's absolutely not rude to tell them something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm happy that you want to share your thought and feelings about X, but I don't really feel comfortable speaking about that person (in your case) without her presence, because I [choose one]:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;can't ask the person directly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;don't like to speak about them at all&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;don't like speaking about people&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;don't find it interesting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc... you name it. So the person, you are talking with, will get that you don't like the flow of your conversation in the least rude way possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you state that several times and the person still ignores it and keep speaking on the topic that you dislike, so I can hardly imagine any actions that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;won't be rude;  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;will keep you in good terms with the person.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice doesn't cover that case, but it is worth trying anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastEditorUserId="3536" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T20:56:06.527" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T20:56:06.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8091" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-14T13:15:58.770" Score="11" ViewCount="2094" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a nice new guy at my job who I have been getting to know more lately and I think he might like me. He sits at the desk next to mine so we often talk when we are alone in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We share interests in fitness and healthy lifestyle and I have a vegan recipe blog.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is not vegan but he often asks me questions about food and my recipes... etc. and last night he texted me after work for advice on a good post-workout recipe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm interested in getting to know this person more outside of work but don't want to feel awkward about it, I get the feeling that he likes me too but I don't know if he's just being friendly or really interested in my recipes. Last week we &quot;matched&quot; on a dating app that my friend convinced me to get on and he gave me his number. It's one of those apps where you have to &quot;pick&quot; each other in order to match so he was texting me and gave me his number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every once in a while he texts me in the evening after work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am planning on hosting a small dinner party at my place a couple of weeks from now and was thinking of inviting him but I don't want to feel awkward if it sounds too forward and he will turn down the invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should I suggest having him at my dinner party since he's interested in my cooking without sounding like I have an hidden agenda?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T23:19:36.087" LastActivityDate="2019-07-10T15:16:16.377" Title="How to invite a coworker I'm romantically interested in to a dinner party without sounding like I have an agenda?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8093" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8091" CreationDate="2017-12-14T13:26:39.210" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just make it simple. You can drop the invitation in the middle of a conversation about food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In order to make the perfect caramelized zucchini, you have to do this and that. Oh, by the way, I plan to make them for a dinner party at my place, do you want to come and try them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it's a party and not a dinner just for the two of you, he will take this chance just to get to know you better, not necessarily thinking of some hidden romantic purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T13:26:39.210" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8094" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-14T13:33:08.217" Score="2" ViewCount="845" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;EDIT: As I have seen some close votes for too broad. Please communicate the issue with the question so that I can edit it.&#xA;Because I believed the question to be &quot;not too broad&quot; as my question is clear:&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;How to communicate to my brother to respect my life choices?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a brother that is 7 years older than me. We normally get along very well, spend once or twice a week time with each other because we live in the same town for a couple of month now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my problem is that he is VERY straightforward pushing and confrontational. He is a very very sporty person and wants to push everyone in the same direction, because &quot;it's healthy&quot;. Which is true, but you have to respect personal choices and sometimes he does not get that. Especially with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: We go bouldering* regularly (he goes more often and thats his main sport) and expects me to go regularly with him as well. And mostly I do that because i like it and its fun. But sometimes i just want a lazy evening, or simply not go, and I'm almost afraid to tell him straight up &quot;I just dont want to!&quot; because I know that he will a) be angry at me because he is a person that gets angry fast and b) he will try to convince me and try to make me feel guilty for not &quot;doing the healthy thing which is good for me!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or sometimes when he writes me via facebook, and I simply don't want to answer for different reasons, or sometimes can't because I dont see it, he gets angry with me for not replying as if I was entitled to answer him everytime he writes me and at best instantly! As example: he wrote me yesterday to which I did not answer and today morning comes a text why I dont answer him even if I got nothing to do the whole day (not so much to do at work currently). To which I answered that I dont look at facebook during work and he could contact me via whatsapp because I have whatsappweb open at my worklaptop. To which he just answered why I didn't reply to him yesterday in an angry manner. And sometimes he messages me over and over again at different medium which is VERY annoying because I just want to be in quiet sometimes (no introvert or anxiety but just enjoying calm sometimes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I communicate to my brother that he has to respect MY life choices to do sports or do a lazy evening?&lt;/strong&gt; And that he has to respect it or deal with it that I sometimes don't have the time/energy or motivation to answer his messages. Other than that we have a good family relationship, we get along well, and do other stuff as well like going out sometimes. But as he is a very convincing and dominant character, he can be very rough and pushy and I would like to be able to communicate that to him that he has to respect others personal choices. Especially with me, as he still sees me as his little brother that can't handle himself, but I am 22 now and very well capable of handling myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE&lt;/strong&gt;: Because someone said I should just say that to him. The reason this needs some IPS is because he wont really listen to critique on hist person. He is very resistant in his regard and always only sees his side. And pushing back bluntly is not an option because it's not about standing up to some bully but to make this clear to him without burning bridges as he is my brother and we have a very thight family and we see each other often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Indoor climbing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T16:17:33.793" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T16:17:33.793" Title="How to get confrontational brother to respect my life choices" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-12-14T17:44:25.757" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8095" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8105" CreationDate="2017-12-14T13:34:57.770" Score="74" ViewCount="16948" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 19 years old and I live with my mother. I completed an apprenticeship in software engineering earlier this year. I'm now working full time at the company where I finished my apprenticeship to save money for the university.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, to the topic. I would describe myself as an introvert. However, I don't think I'm an insecure person whatsoever. I don't have problems attending social events, interacting or working with other people at the company. I just feel more confortable alone, so I spend more time all by myself, doing research on topics I'm interested in, coding some projects of my own or just losing myself in a delightful tricky problem. And I don't have a problem with that really, the tasks satisfy me and I never feel dejected or depressed at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My circle  of friends is pretty tight and everyone I engage with somewhat frequently, pretty much shares my mindset. When we meet, we often spend hours discussing various topics, challenging each others views, contemplating about pretty much anything what is on our minds or simply enjoying a pint of beer. We meet a few times a month and that's perfectly fine for me. In my opinion, the position I'm in right now is perfect for me. The balance of my social life and the time I'm on my own fits my mindset exactly and as said before, I don't feel generally unhappy with my situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However,&lt;/strong&gt; my mother seems to be worried about me for quite some time now. And yes, I gotta say, I'm more of a calm person. I don't talk as much compared to other people of my age. But I wouldn't say I'm shy, because I don't have difficulties expressing my feelings. I just don't show them as expressively as others do. Nevertheless, my mother often asks me if I'm happy where I am now and I noticed that she's worried about me. And I understand why, I am not out as much as other people of my age and I am certainly not as energetic as other people, but as I said before, I am happy where I am now. And I tell her that every time she asks, but she doesn't believe me. I talked to her a lot about that subject and she can't or won't accept what I try to tell her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think no matter what I say, she always draws comparisons to sons of her friends at my age or her youth and I'm starting to get tired of having this conversation over and over again. I don't want her to keep worrying about me, when there's no reason to. How can I convince her that I am happy how I am?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10330" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T13:56:01.617" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T21:11:48.040" Title="How to convince my parents I'm happy with my social life?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8091" CreationDate="2017-12-14T13:39:30.227" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;With all due respect, I think you're overthinking and overcomplicating this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you don't want to look like you have a hidden agenda when inviting him to dinner. That's right you don't, you have a pretty open agenda. Lets look at all the hints we can glean from your text (and these are hints &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; can also glean from your interactions):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There is a nice new guy at my job who I have been getting to know more&#xA;  lately and I think he might like me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are you've been very friendly towards him, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He sits at the desk next to mine so we often talk when we are alone in&#xA;  the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that these conversations have been pleasant for you probably means he likes your company too...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We share interests in fitness and healthy lifestyle and I have a vegan&#xA;  recipe blog&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... you share common interests and ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He is not vegan but he often asks me questions about food and my&#xA;  recipes etc and last night he texted me after work for advice on a&#xA;  good post-workout recipe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... he's very interested in your cooking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are all reasons to invite him to a dinner party you're hosting. Usually this wouldn't even carry the hidden meaning that you're necessarily interested in him romantically, although that could be possible from the context. Especially because he expressed interest in your cooking there is &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; reason not to just ask him if he wants to join for the dinner party to sample some of your cooking himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the part you're probably wondering about and where I call into question as to why you want to hide this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked you if you had romantic interest in him, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think I am and I feel like he might like me too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is reinforced by background info added by your latest edit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Last week we &quot;matched&quot; on a dating app that my friend convinced me to&#xA;  get on and he gave me his number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means he is already interested in you. And he knows you are interested in him. There is very little ambiguity here. So I wouldn't worry about sounding like having that agenda. It's already known to both you and him that you do have that agenda.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yeah, there isn't a way to avoid sounding like you have romantic interest in him when inviting him to the dinner party, especially since you specifically made that clear beforehand. But I also think this wouldn't be &quot;too forward&quot;. He's already expressed interest - in both you and your cooking. There is nothing here that suggests he would be inclined to not accept a dinner invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T13:39:30.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8057" CreationDate="2017-12-14T13:40:32.257" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read one of those pop-psychology books. It was quite awful so I won't advertise it here. But it did contain one nugget, and this is it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People with problems can be split into two groups, those who want help and those who want sympathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find out which group your friend belongs to and react accordingly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most e.g. engineers tell you about a problem and expect practical suggestions, offers of help and tools.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most e.g. nursery nurses tell you about a problem and want sympathy, warmth, reassuring words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously this is superficial and over-simplified, and people may wander from one group to another, but it really works. It even saved my colleague's marriage. So when you sense that your friend only wants sympathy, keep the solutions for later. Don't break out the screwdrivers, say &quot;Oh, how awful&quot;. And vice versa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T13:40:32.257" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-14T13:55:22.130" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have Asperger's syndrome so I understand much of what you describe.  I have an extremely flat affect and friends of mine even joke by &quot;imitating&quot; me by doing things like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(no expression)  -This is Snark's happy face&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(no expression)  -This is Snark's mad face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, yes it is hard to convey anything if you are low-key and calm, expecially if you have a resting &quot;sad&quot; or &quot;angry&quot; face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the difficulty to those around you is that the only information they have to go on is your affect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to better communicate, you need to engage more by either working on your affect, going out more (even if it's just to a library) and talking more to your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;some patience is required on your part, as people often cannot distinguish between introverted and withdrawn.  It seems that the message you are sending is &quot;withdrawn&quot;.  The way to change that is to focus on sending a different message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk more, smile more, go out more (at least for now) and if someone compares you to someone else you can just say &quot;That's fine for them, this is fine for me&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also want to ask your mother what she's really worried about.  You can approach that the next time she brings it up by saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, we've talked about this before and I've answered your questions, what's really bothering you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and see where that leads.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T13:55:22.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-14T14:01:00.843" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;There seems to be two ways that you can possibly try and convince someone you are happy: one is to &lt;em&gt;tell&lt;/em&gt; them that you are happy (and you've said this isn't working); the other is to try and &lt;em&gt;show&lt;/em&gt; them that you are happy. The latter may require some conscious behavioral changes and this is where it becomes problematic, because you tell us you are content with your routine now and changing things is exactly what you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try taking some regular time out to update your mother on your day / week. Be proactive, don't wait for her to ask you. If this seems alien to you, schedule it into your daily / weekly routine as you see appropriate. Tell her about your work, your projects, or your social life. Speak enthusiastically about them, as this will &lt;em&gt;show&lt;/em&gt; her that your life makes you happy. It may even help her to understand forms of human interaction that she does not understand (such as this site!). I believe this may help as nothing you have said indicates she is unhappy with your choices in life but just wants to know that you are happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, rather than introduce new behaviour that is artificial, think about how you could maybe carry on your routine in a way that is more transparent or noticeable to your mother. Whenever you take time out to do something for yourself, even mundane things like making yourself a drink, see if you can let your mother see you taking care of yourself. People who are depressed / unhappy often neglect themselves. By way of illustration, if you have taken or intend to take a driving test, you have to go out of your way to demonstrate to the examiner that you are doing certain things - for example you don't just glance in the rear-view mirror with your eyes, you deliberately crane your neck so they can see you are doing it. This is kind of what I'm suggesting here - just go out of your way to show your mum that you are enjoying life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T14:01:00.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-14T14:01:39.957" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often, people lie about their happiness just not to be bothered. Just stating your happiness could not be enough; you could try to lead your mother to see the reasons of your happiness. You may try to &lt;strong&gt;get her more involved in your life&lt;/strong&gt; - nothing extraordinary, mainly some more communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to talk to your mother about the things that you do both alone and with your friends that make you happy. It's not necessary to do it extensively every time; sometimes, just dropping a comment here and there might work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, yesterday night I went with my friends to this great pub and we talked about [insert really interesting topic here] for hours! It was really great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you know that [insert topic of research here]? Yesterday night I was so caught up in reading about this that I spent three hours on it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, &lt;strong&gt;get your mother to know your friends&lt;/strong&gt;. If she will see with her eyes that you don't feel lonely and how you are with them, it might be easier for her to believe you. Once she knows them, talk about what you appreciate about them (e.g. John is a great listener, Jack always has a fresh perspective on things, you can always rely on Laura etc). In this way, she'll know that you're not alone and you have a &quot;social cushion&quot; around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T14:01:39.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-14T14:13:20.903" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like SnarkKnight, my sister also has Asperger's, and our mom asked her the same questions yours does for you. She is also a 20-something software engineer still living with our parents!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister could be on vacation having the time of her life, but if she doesn't force herself to remember to smile as wide as possible when our mother is around, she would be convinced that my sister is depressed and that the vacation was a failure and everything was ruined. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing we did that helped most was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When our mother brought it up, my sister would smile. Then she would say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am very happy, mom. I know you're concerned for me, and I appreciate it, but this really is my 'happy face'. I promise that if I WASN'T okay and perfectly happy, I would tell you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It took a couple tries, but it did help. For my sister, it was just a case of our mom being worried for her, and wanting to make sure she was having as much fun as everyone else. With enough reassurance that she was okay, and that if that stopped being true she'd tell her right away, our mom backed off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, it helps to talk about what you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; do that makes you happy. If you spend time researching a particularly tricky problem, tell your mom about it and how happy you are to have solved it for yourself. Even if your mom isn't interested in software or know anything about it (like mine) she will probably appreciate your enthusiasm and that YOU are interested.  If you go out with your close group of friends, say something when you come home like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We had a really great time. All my friends were there, and we just sat around for hours having fun over a pint. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just showing that the few things you do are perfect for you and are enough to make you happy enough to tell her about it will probably ease her worries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10328" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T14:13:20.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8034" CreationDate="2017-12-14T14:55:00.327" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of good answers already, but I wanted to share a few other thoughts.  You don't mention age, but if you're still young in my experience talking about issues or family troubles in a group is not often well received.  These kind of conversations can make people uncomfortable especially talking about family stuff can be seen as threatening if someone else has similar issues. Young men typically don't want to appear vulnerable or weak in front of a group, so they'll try different things to change the subject, make a joke of it, anything to divert the conversation and take them back to there comfort zone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do want to talk about weighty issues and family stuff (which I think is healthy and you should pursue), just remember that an honest on sensitive subjects requires people to have some trust with you and to make themselves somewhat vulnerable to you.  The way I've crossed this bridge myself is building a foundation on some shared interest, with an individual not the whole group, then as you get comfortable with each other usually people will open up a bit more.  Then you can begin to talk about the more contentious or personal issues.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5808" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T14:55:00.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8105" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-14T15:05:20.647" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the parent of an Asperger's kid, there's enough on that here that I won't add to the pile.  As a person who works in IT, what you describe seems to be what I call &quot;normal&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's look at what you say.  You have friends.  You interact with them at a schedule that works for you and your interactions are satisfying.  You have a job that you have a passion for.  You have a full-time professional position at the age of 19.  Quite frankly, I struggle to see what the problem is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest challenge is, I think, that Mom compares you to only the good stories she hears about her friends' kids.  She doesn't hear about their struggles or where they don't succeed.  So she's comparing your entire life, which she sees, to the parts of other people's lives that she hears about.  To me, that's not a fair comparison.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to deal with Mom?  She wants what's best for you and she's looking at the wrong thing.  I'd guess that you feel that you wind up defending yourself to her.  So.. stop defending yourself.  How?  &quot;Mom, thanks for your concern.  I want you to look at the whole picture.  I'm not lacking friends and I see them as often as we want.  I can support myself and have a professional position.  Which would you rather have - a son who is successful, employed at doing something he loves, and happy with his friends, or someone who isn't?  You've got the first already - why push on it?  I don't compare myself to [Bob]; I compare myself to what I can accomplish and so far, the result is pretty doggone good.&quot;   And leave it at that.  Refuse the comparison to others; the only standard you should measure yourself against is yourself and your capabilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T15:05:20.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8107" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8113" CreationDate="2017-12-14T15:15:39.860" Score="4" ViewCount="922" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is not about getting someone to seek help, but about not coming across as a bad friend or like I'm minimizing their feelings by doing so.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to think people see me as an open and empathetic person, and this is why my friends come to me when they need to talk about their problems and they do so often. However, there are some problems that arise that I either feel unequipped to handle, or am not emotionally fit to deal with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, a friend I know to have depression talking to me about those feelings, when I am definitely not a crisis counselor or a therapist. Or another talking to me about a bad break-up with a guy I didn't think she should date in the first place due to obvious red flags. Or a friend/relative complaining about a health issue that they refuse to go to the doctor for involving aspects of their health I don't feel comfortable talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, I want to be able to tell these friends that their problems are better talked through with a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/doctor. But with one friend in particular this advice leads to other complaints such as financial problems, or that they don't have any other friends to talk to about it and they just want to feel supported. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want my friends to feel like they can talk to me, and I don't want to make them feel like their feelings aren't being validated, but I know my responses in these situations &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/8062/10328&quot;&gt;can come across that way&lt;/a&gt; (not my question, but the question mentions responses similar to what I've given in the past when I wanted to show I was listening or trying to be supportive, &lt;strong&gt;particularly when I didn't want to offer advice on a subject&lt;/strong&gt; due to personal reasons. )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;How can I set boundaries of not wanting to talk in depth about a friend's problems, without seeming like I don't &lt;em&gt;care&lt;/em&gt; about those problems and the friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10328" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T07:38:06.077" Title="How can I tell someone to talk to a professional instead of me without seeming dismissive?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8094" CreationDate="2017-12-14T15:34:47.157" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The obvious answer is to tell him what you need. You can give him &lt;em&gt;The Talk&lt;/em&gt;™ about your general impression that he doesn't respect your life choices, or discuss the individual issues as they arise. I like the latter more, because it's less likely to derail into some abstract debate about who's right or wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I find the following recipe helpful:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What action of him did you observe that you disagree with? Be precise and describe the action, not any interpretation of it. For example: &quot;Yesterday, you messaged me on three different chats and told me to respond ASAP.&quot; This is different from an interpretation, such as: &quot;You're always so pushy and impatient with all these messages.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How did you feel when you observed this? For example, &quot;to be honest, I was looking forward to chill and play games, but I was afraid you might think bad of me, so I didn't answer right away&quot;. Say &quot;I felt&quot; not &quot;you made me feel&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What do you want? Talk action, not attitude: &quot;Please, don't try to convince me more than once when I say no&quot;. This is different from &quot;don't be so confrontational all the time&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your brother doesn't meet your request, you can either try to understand why he doesn't want to. Maybe he loves to go bouldering, but hates going alone. There's room for compromise then: He could join a group, you could agree on a few days a week (meet in the middle). Maybe he wants to spend time with you. Then find some other (lazy) activity you both enjoy. You get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can insist. Decide what's more important to you: Avoiding a conflict with your brother or having lazy evenings more often. Sometimes fighting is not worth it, but sometimes it is. More importantly, it's not an either/or. You don't have to &quot;burn bridges&quot; in order be firm on your boundaries. Some people just find it hard to take no for an answer, so they need to hear it twice. And some people find it hard to say no, so they need to practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T15:41:26.853" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T15:41:26.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8107" CreationDate="2017-12-14T15:37:51.727" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you sure these friends are all looking for &lt;em&gt;help&lt;/em&gt; and not just a listening ear?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can certainly relate to the first example you give- I'm working through my second diagnosed bout of depression. Some people need a counselor to work through this, some need medicine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others really just need a friend to talk with to at least keep them afloat. If you don't feel you can listen through this and stay calm and supportive, you need to be direct with them about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you feel like talking through this person's depression, or even just listening, will greatly upset you because you worry so for them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really want to help you with this. I know you need a sympathetic ear. However, I just can't handle this one. I get too emotional, and you need someone who can stay calm and supportive through this discussion. Do you have a family member or another friend who might be able to do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't, see if you can help them find affordable support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the above advise is for if your friend is just depressed but seems stable. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;If this friend begins to go downhill fast, step in and give them all the support you can immediately.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; At that point, it doesn't matter if you're qualified or not, it matters that they know that you care for them and want to help them. Once you get them calmed down, even just a little, tell them about your concern for their safety and do your best to convince them to get help. That help could be as simple as calling the suicide hotline, or as involved as medicine and a counselor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the friend with a bad breakup, chances are she just needs a shoulder to cry on or a soundboard to vent to. You don't have to have liked the guy, you don't have to bring up how you felt about it. Just let her vent and ask guiding questions, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What caused the break up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or, if you feel she needs a distraction, ask her to go out as friends to a fun, public place. Get her involved in something else, and it may well help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for health issues... If you don't feel comfortable discussing those, you'll have to speak up. If you want to cut the conversation off directly, just tell them you're uncomfortable discussing that topic with them. If you want to be more polite, try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, that sucks! I understand what you're dealing with is not great, but... Honestly, I don't feel comfortable discussing this much further. It makes me {insert feeling here, upset, queasy, whatever you need!} just thinking about it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they keep complaining about the problem, suggest they really should see a doctor if it's bothering them that bad, or if it's been bothering them that long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just remember you don't have to be professional to let folks down easily, and in some cases they don't need professionals. Some problems just need a supportive ear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T15:37:51.727" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8094" CreationDate="2017-12-14T15:41:05.067" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you need to sit him down, explain that you are a fully-grown adult, and, as one, are going to have to lay down some ground rules for how he is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;allowed&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to interact with you. You have your own life, and it does not revolve around what he wants. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds like he might have some impulse control issues (Attention Deficit Disorder, perhaps?). Some of the ground rules should include when he can contact you and expect a response (for instance, my daughter has told me NOT to send a text to her during school, except during her lunch hour.  I always assumed she'd just ignore it until she could answer, but if she gets it during class, she feels obliged to check it in case it's an emergency, so it better be an emergency if I send it then).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him know that if he can't respect your boundaries, then you are going to enforce them. This is also an indication of how serious you feel this is, and should get his attention. And then &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;DO IT&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. If that means blocking him or de-listing him as a contact on certain social media platforms for a particular period of time (almost as a &quot;time out), then be willing to do so.  If it means changing his status on platforms so his messages don't alert you in &quot;sleep/busy&quot; mode, then do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might seem excessive, to read it, but I'm not recommending that you just do it. It would only be in response to his ignoring your requests to respect your personal boundaries, which would make it entirely appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to ease into it (&quot;don't FB message me and expect me to answer when I'm at work&quot;), that's fine, but it sounds like you've already tried that a bit, and he's kind of steam-rolled right over it. That doesn't make him a horrible person, as an older sibling his entire early life interaction with you was probably one where he could dictate and control, to a certain extent, and he probably has never taken the time to step back and consciously view you in a different context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it's up to you to make him do that.  Be strong, follow through on the actions you need to in order to enforce your boundaries, and don't allow him to brow-beat or guilt you in to caving in. Since you are both adults, you clearly feel you should be peers now, while he clearly still views you as the &quot;little&quot; sibling. Also, this maybe feels mildly threatening because independence on your part and having your own life maybe feels like a lessening of his role and his importance in your life, and he's fighting against feeling diminished in your interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T15:41:05.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8107" CreationDate="2017-12-14T16:02:26.750" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ministers call this &quot;pastoral counseling&quot;.  And they have limits, as you should.  Most of the pastors I know restrict their pastoral counseling to 5 sessions and they generally center on listening to the issues. They're not, as a rule, therapists so they try to stay away from giving too much advice. One thing that they're pretty insistent upon, however, is that the person needs to be more invested in their solution than the counselor.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest taking a similar tactic. Listen to them, but stay away from advice/advising. If they ask &quot;what should I do?&quot;, take the same stance that you see here: &quot;I can't tell you what to do, but I can comment on your plan. What do you want to do?&quot; I wouldn't say this to the person, but keep this in mind: what if you suggest a course of action and it turns out badly? Who gets the blame?  (Hint... you)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd work on establishing limits. Depression is not a condition for the untrained to handle. That needs trained help, not well-intentioned friends. You can be there for the person, but they need a professional to prevent self-harm. And I'd say that. &quot;Look, I really care about you, but doing anything more than being your friend is out of my depth. I want you in my life and the best way for that is for a professional to help you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a friend that just wants to talk, that's fine. But eventually you as the friend will hit a point where you've had enough and this starts to be a drain on you. It's important to establish a limit BEFORE that happens. I'd say something like: &quot;it seems like we talk about this a lot; what's changed?&quot; If nothing has changed, then it's time to move on because you're actually helping to hold on to the bad emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T07:38:06.077" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T07:38:06.077" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8094" CreationDate="2017-12-14T16:03:52.070" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to get confrontational brother to respect my life choices?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some principals we need to keep in mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;first,&lt;/strong&gt; You can't control some one else's actions.  We can only choose to change our own behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second,&lt;/strong&gt;  people do usually respond to incentives.  And we usually respond consistently&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third,&lt;/strong&gt;  Change takes time, and even after a long time we can be prone to relapse into our old habits in times of stress or discomfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Fourth,&lt;/strong&gt; when you criticize some one they will almost always get defensive which typically leads to conflict. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your brother gets upset that you want to do something like stay home just tell him something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love you man, I just need some time to relax right now.  Let's go&#xA;  bouldering next Friday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he takes you up on the offer great! you can go home now.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If he is to mad to take you up on the offer at the moment.  Say we'll talk about it later then and go home.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he pesters you by phone of facebook turn of your devices.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring his poor behavior is most likely  the most effective way to make it stop.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second part is even more important though,  when he eventually does what you want him to do,  say accept you offer for bouldering another day.  Thank him!,  Tell him you appreciate him You want to reinforce the good behavior.  And giving attention to some one is the best way to reinforce good behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if he accepts the offer with a bad attitude thank him for being understanding.   Over time he should learn to treat you more politely.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will take time and patience on your part but it is worth it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also,  you should watch this clip from Dr. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VM1UA0pCMQ&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Jordan Peterson&lt;/a&gt;.  He explains how to &quot;train&quot; a partner very effectively.  His advice applies equally to all relationships.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T16:03:52.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8057" CreationDate="2017-12-14T16:09:40.567" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to open yourself to them. Most of the time they just want support or just a pair of shoulders or ears to vent their frustrations. Most of the time the response is not even verbal. Body language conveys emotions better than words. It takes a great deal of skill and experience to be able to put yourself in one's shoes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is happening is that while you are tryiing to express empathy or sympathy, your colleagues are getting a feeling of pity from you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201505/empathy-vs-sympathy&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;(source)&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Empathy is often confused with pity, sympathy, and compassion, which are each reactions to the plight of others. Pity is a feeling of discomfort at the distress of one or more sentient beings, and often has paternalistic or condescending overtones. [...] Pity is less engaged than empathy, sympathy, or compassion, amounting to little more than a conscious acknowledgement of the plight of its object.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your engagement level with the other person increases, you move into sympathy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sympathy (‘fellow feeling’, ‘community of feeling’) is a feeling of care and concern for someone, often someone close, accompanied by a wish to see him better off or happier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you connect to a level you can feel their pain, it becomes what Neel Burton calls compassion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Compassion (‘suffering with’) is more engaged than simple empathy, and is associated with an active desire to alleviate the suffering of its object. With empathy, I share your emotions; with compassion I not only share your emotions but also elevate them into a universal and transcending experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This infograph by Robert Shelton explains it better:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/IbnBjm.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/IbnBjm.png&quot; alt=&quot;This neat infographic was designed by Robert Shelton, a psychologist in a Californian high school and describes a sliding scale of engagement, from pity through empathy, sympathy, having compassion at its top.&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your colleagues do not want you to tell them it will get better (that may be a lie, because we don't know the future). They want you to understand and share their pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need then to customize your response to the person. Have you had a shared study session with that colleague? After listening to them and getting the message that you care for them (avoiding those phrases that sound premade), offer to host another joint study group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need is to move your response up the scale of engagement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="452" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T16:09:40.567" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8118" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8127" CreationDate="2017-12-14T17:13:17.367" Score="60" ViewCount="10034" Body="&lt;p&gt;For some background into the layout of where this situation takes place, my apartment complex has it's own dog park. Within a few hundred feet of the dog park is a large and spacious public park, surrounded by tall prairie grass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently during my nightly visit to the dog park, a young girl (17-19 in appearance) approached me from behind. Our conversation went something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Girl: &amp;quot;Excuse me, miss? Do you live here?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;Yes?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Girl: &amp;quot;Can I stay with you for a minute?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;Yes...? What's up?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Girl: &amp;quot;Some guy just chased me through the field (the open park area), and I don't know where to go.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once she was inside the dog park, I tried getting more details out of her to understand what had happened and if she was still in danger. While I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt (as I know I would've been terrified in the moment if I was her), the details of her story never quite became clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are the details she shared with me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She had been walking from an apartment across the field.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The man followed her in a car, and when she began running, he sped up to keep pace with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She dropped some of her belongings in the field and needed to retrieve them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Her phone was dead, it was becoming dark outside, and she was afraid to walk back for fear he would show up again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Concerns&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My initial thought was to offer to &lt;strong&gt;walk her through the field to get her belongings and then back to her apartment with myself and my dog&lt;/strong&gt;, thinking we would have safety in numbers (her, myself, and my large dog).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, as she explained more of her story, I became more skeptical. To shed some light for readers, here were my concerns:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The dog park has a clear view of the field which she said she had been running through (which I am always facing),  yet I didn't see any of this take place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;There aren't any roads through the park so I'm very uncertain of how he was chasing her in a car through the field.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She approached me from the opposite direction of her apartment &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; the field.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She seemed pretty calm, and she didn't seem out of breath, which I would expect from running so far in colder weather.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As I asked her to repeat the story to help clarify, details were inconsistent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My area has had increasing numbers of sex trafficking activity (very elaborate plots that lure people into being kidnapped/attacked).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's become a 'trend' here to have a female claim they need help to lure victims into a trap where they are robbed/attacked by a number of men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I tried&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I allowed her to use my phone to call someone to come get her. I heard someone answer the phone, but when she explained that she needed a ride because a man had been chasing her, the person on the other end hung up on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I offered to call police, but she assured me that there was nothing they could do because she didn't have any description of the man or details of his car beyond the color.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ended up telling her that I had company coming within 10 minutes and that I couldn't come with her, but that if she wanted to walk home, she should do it while it was still light outside so I would have a clear line of sight on her as she walked through the field. I assured her that I would pay close attention and that she could come back if she saw the car, or that I would get help otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a better way to approach/handle skepticism of a stranger's pleas for help without risking my own safety or coming off as dismissive of theirs?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that I couldn't have told her I didn't fully believe her because if she was telling the truth, that'd make me out to be a terrible person. However, if she wasn't telling the truth, that exposes that she had malicious intentions and I can't think of a way that ends well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T21:53:59.327" Title="Dismissing a stranger asking for help without being dismissive of their possible situation?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8118" CreationDate="2017-12-14T17:24:14.587" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that your action was the best choice, you can't know if she was telling the truth or just trying to lure you to a trap.&#xA;In this cases when the person (victim) tells a strange story and does not seems to be 100% legit by all the points that you notice, the best way to get out of this situations is to tell a lie just like you did... (i have to go, someone is waiting for me, a couple of friends are getting here right know....), so in this way you are protecting yourself and checking if she will be ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in my opinion you did it just right, and it's very important to pay attention to details like you did, or you may get into a trap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: If she was telling the truth, she would not be bothered to wait a few minutes with you and your 'incoming friends'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10243" LastEditorUserId="10243" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T18:09:33.157" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T18:09:33.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8007" CreationDate="2017-12-14T17:25:28.360" Score="-1" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Thank them profusely for mowing your lawn.  Don't say one negative word. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell them &quot;in the future...&quot; And exactly how you prefer it cut, in careful detail.  Offer to write it down.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask them &quot;Do you think you can do that?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perfect world, they are inspired and learn by your logic, and you sip margaritas while they mow, and after, bring them margaritas.  Worst case, they decide that's too complicated for them and decide to let you mow your own lawn.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now there are two factors for you.  For you, the big one is that their conduct was inappropriate and intrusive. On this issue, you/they are too far apart.  You will never arrive at a meeting of the minds.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is, you don't &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to litigate on that.  It will suffice to work out the other issue: that &quot;the lawn wasn't done to your spec&quot;.  They will infer this when you tell them entirely positively how you want it done in exact detail; thus you can send that message without being negative at all.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your particularity (and implicit displeasure in what had been done), they will also infer an object lesson: that &lt;em&gt;humans are particular&lt;/em&gt;, and &lt;strong&gt;that's why we have interpersonal boundaries&lt;/strong&gt;.   This will make them think twice about further intrusions on you, and on others in the future.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T19:05:40.647" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T19:05:40.647" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8118" CreationDate="2017-12-14T17:42:15.047" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also think you handled it excellently, but another possibility to remain cautious and helpful is to offer to call help (police, ambulance etc.) yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are offering help. What she described is a threatening situation and, e. g. calling the police and let them decide whether it's worth acting upon or not, is a good idea.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't endanger yourself as help will be provided by professionally trained people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they don't want that help, maybe their story really isn't watertight.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They can't run away with your phone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wrote:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I offered to call police, but she assured me that there was nothing they could do because she didn't have any description of the man or details of his car beyond the color.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She didn't provide good reasons why not to call the police, instead: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They needn't even come, but could give advice over the phone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they came, they would at least scare away the man and protect her (and you).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She could safely retrieve her belongings.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there are men in cars following women, it's certainly useful for the police to know (not just to update statistics, but maybe increase their presence).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;It's certainly sensible to inform the police, even now after some time has passed. The police can also give you advice on how to handle such a situation - professional help beyond the scope of IPS.SE - in a way that also doesn't endanger you.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T07:30:27.270" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T07:30:27.270" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3053" CreationDate="2017-12-14T17:44:09.560" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it was MY car/neighbors/neighborhood, I would avoid wrongly accusing anybody (or even correctly accusing someone and starting a &amp;quot;my angel would NEVER...&amp;quot; war) as best I could by asking the kids in question for help. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I just got this nice, new car, so I was really sad to find scratches on it the other day. I know you guys are out here a LOT, so you probably see and hear just about &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EVERYTHING&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;! Sooooo....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you help keep an eye on my car for me? And if you see it getting scratched, would you let me know? Even if it was an accident, it would really help me to know what happened, so I could make sure it doesn't happen again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would REALLY, REALLY help me out, and it would also be super cool to think that &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;even kids&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; can help to keep our neighborhood nice!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives the kids agency in their own neighborhood, as well as allowing them the pride of helping out/being treated like an adult. It also doesn't hurt that it lets possible offenders know that their actions have been noticed, that their buddies might well tell on them, and that there will likely be consequences (especially the &lt;em&gt;worst&lt;/em&gt; consequence, shaming in front of one's peers) if the behavior doesn't stop. Finally, keep in mind that it is easier for someone to harm a stranger, or damage a stranger's belongings than it is to harm/damage a friend('s).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make a point of introducing yourself to neighbors you run into while outside, &lt;em&gt;even the kids&lt;/em&gt;, and try to remember their names. While &amp;quot;those kids&amp;quot; might scratch up the car belonging to &amp;quot;that lady,&amp;quot; its a lot less likely that &amp;quot;Jeffy! and Ryan! and Becky! How is your day going?&amp;quot; will scratch Misses Smith's new car.  If you DO get told about something going on around your car (even if it isn't really useful information to you) make a point of giving BIG thanks and praise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It reinforces the behavior, and it may also be the only strokes that kid gets all week. Kids will go to amazing lengths for a little positive adult attention, including the protection of your car's shiny skin. Besides, its just the &lt;em&gt;nice&lt;/em&gt; thing to do, and feeling good about your own behavior might help take the sting out of those scratches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10341" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T08:03:04.087" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8123" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8141" CreationDate="2017-12-14T18:01:20.280" Score="13" ViewCount="5584" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Although I have added the India tag for cultural context, I consider this to be a question on a universal theme, and therefore welcome responses from members all over the world.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since mid-September I have been volunteering one day a week at a social work non-profit (typically called NGO here in India) that provides non-clinical counselling services for the general public. I am not involved in the interpersonal aspects of their activities and do not interact with the people utilising these services. I am a qualified sociologist and I have been helping the social workers to technically prepare some upcoming research projects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my co-workers there (code name Alice) is a full-time social work counsellor. We are not doing the same type of work but we do interact a bit in the office. She recently called me on the phone in the morning of my volunteering day and said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need to take my mother-in-law for a medical checkup so I will be an hour late getting to work. Would you give the counselling for the first few clients?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I have no qualification or training in counselling and said that I couldn't possibly counsel the clients. She did come late and the clients were kept waiting. Later she accused me of not seeing her as a &quot;real person.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You could easily have given the clients that counselling... I am so rarely in need of your help and my mother-in-law had to see this doctor. We will all have such unavoidable situations. I don't think you even see me as a real person with real problems!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was quite surprised and asked her what she meant. She said that I was politely formal and aloof with her and never seemed to recognize her personal identity; I was not particularly warm in interaction nor interested in her family matters; nor even considerate of her occasional need for help such as when she had to take a family member to the doctor. Also, my behavior suggested that I had a one-dimensional and uninvolved view of women in general, she said. Note that she is a trained counsellor and has considerably more insight into such matters than the average person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all this question is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; about the clash of ideas regarding whether I as an unqualified person should or should not counsel the clients. And Alice is essentially right that I do not exactly see her as what she calls  a &quot;real person&quot;, which is the interpersonal focus of this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit of background might be useful in context. The social and cultural atmosphere in the part of South India where we live does not encourage 'friendship' between men and women, and conservative society still views it with some disapproval and suspicion. I am unmarried and have tended to be very formal, reserved and very proper in interacting with women who are not my family members, and especially keep my distance from married women. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is part of the cultural expectations here, which can also tend to create one-dimensional and remote mental attitudes to women, unless a man has a genuine passion for cultivating friendships with female colleagues/ acquaintances, even at risk of facing a bit of social and personal backlash. (The same applies to women who would like to form friendships with men.) I don't want to be close friends with women in general. I am also very introverted and get quickly tired by interacting with other people. And I am certainly not interested in the details of their family matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What complicates the Alice situation a bit is that I find her physically attractive but I don't feel like expressing that in my behavior, and she is off limits because of being married. I am not particularly  interested romantically in Alice but I didn't want to be &quot;just friends&quot; with her and certainly didn't want to meet  her husband or talk about him. I also never imagined that any of that was relevant to the part-time work I am doing there. So I have taken no interest in her personality or family matters, and that contributes to her perception that I don't see her as a real person. However, the expression of her feedback is something I am willing to take seriously, especially after participating intensively for the past few months and learning a lot  here on Interpersonal.StackExchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was also saddened and affected significantly by reading about the very recent death of an adult movie star, the &lt;a href=&quot;https://radaronline.com/celebrity-news/august-ames-depressed-death-tragic-last-texts/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;news article&lt;/a&gt; regarding whose tragic end was e-mailed to me by a sociologist friend with his own observation that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the world fails to see so many women as their unique selves. We men look at women and often cannot see beyond the physical exterior. It is very sad that the only way for at least &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; women to express themselves, stand out from the crowd and be taken seriously as  real individual people is by that ultimate act of self-destruction. That is why this shocking incident is relevant sociologically to us and also an eye-opener to everyone that more exposure to social media does not guarantee better (inter)personal insight in the digital age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I feel that I might try to to address Alice's valid criticism here.  &lt;strong&gt;My goal&lt;/strong&gt; is to be more amenable to seeing her as a multi-dimensional individual. That doesn't come naturally to me and that is why I need the help of the interpersonally talented members of IPS.SE: how can I eventually convince her that I was positively influenced by what she said, and am now trying to 'see her as a real person'?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T21:38:18.167" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T09:09:22.943" Title="How do I constructively address my co-worker's accusation that I don't see her as a &quot;real person?&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="21" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-14T18:09:55.880" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Use &quot;we&quot;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OP, I have this exact same problem, and I've tried reading body language and other cues but I always forget in the heat of the moment. Self-censorship requires too much presence of mind to work all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of trying to censor yourself, try to shift your attitude, just slightly. Maybe you have a mindset that the purpose of your little jokes is to increase your own popularity by depicting yourself as a funny person. It is actually a little more complicated than that. &quot;Ragging on each other&quot; is a bonding ritual; it increases closeness when you can say something derogatory that you also accept about yourselves. But it has to be something shared, or all it does it highlight an area where you are different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, here's the small attitude change. Don't use &quot;you.&quot; Use &quot;we.&quot; Whenever you think of something kind of mean but funny, try it out as a &quot;we&quot; statement. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Sitting down to a big meal] Oh my god, you are such a pig!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Sitting down to a big meal] Oh my god, we are such pigs!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way it is not &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; criticizing &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt;, it is you saying that you're &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; &quot;OK&quot; despite being pigs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if &quot;we&quot; doesn't fit in a particular situation, you're probably about to say something rude, so just don't say anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2029" LastEditorUserId="2029" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T18:22:53.943" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T18:22:53.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-14T18:20:04.750" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might be an &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ISTP&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;ISTP&lt;/a&gt;. It's the Meyers-Briggs type mostly likely to be..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;..misinterpreted by others as an actively antisocial attitude when in&#xA;  fact ISTPs are simply uninterested in engaging in group-related&#xA;  small-talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once upon a time I recall reading that one of the types is commonly and mistakenly perceived by others to be unhappy or depressed, when in fact they are not. I &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; that type is ISTP, but I'm having difficulty confirming it with some quick Googling. Considering your story, though, I am nearly certain that whatever that type is (it may not be ISTP!), it's very likely your type.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if your personality type indicator corresponded to that type (for now let's assume it's ISTP unless someone corrects me), I think the solution here is to do some light reading about personality types and then have candid, appropriately-timed conversations with any concerned parties explaining that this is actually a common misperception of your personality type, and that there is A) nothing wrong with you, and 2) it makes complete sense that they might think there is, but D) you're all okay, and hey that's okay too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside: Hopefully someone out there appreciates the &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/gVGbDEAnDyo&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Buzz-inspired ordered list&lt;/a&gt;. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4408" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T18:20:04.750" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8126" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8007" CreationDate="2017-12-14T18:25:17.410" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have far more experience mowing lawns than I would like to have, having mowed a complicated acre or two every week in season.  My personal tendency is to be glad if someone else mowed or did other yard care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BUT&lt;/strong&gt; I have heard that there is some sort of &quot;use it or lose it&quot; legal property ownership principal involving yard care.  If you let the neighbors routinely mow and do yard work on the near side of your property they will begin to acquire part of your ownership of that section of the property, or something like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to look up the local laws about that in your jurisdiction and decide if that is something to mention in the discussion with your neighbor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10344" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T18:25:17.410" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8118" CreationDate="2017-12-14T18:29:37.780" Score="88" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only thing I would add to what you did was I would have called the police regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming the best of intentions on her part, there could have been someone out there targeting young girls, not just her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than that, you did an excellent job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You offered help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You offered to call the police&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You let her use your phone&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You kept yourself safe.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, my only admonition is NEXT time call the police because whether she was telling the truth or not, something criminal was likely going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either she was being targeted by someone (who may have gone off to target someone else) or &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; were being set up to be lured away and robbed.... or worse.  Always call the police in such matters, never put yourself at risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T18:29:37.780" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8123" CreationDate="2017-12-14T18:34:23.587" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suspect that Alice is projecting her frustrations with her culture on to you personally.  Which I don't find to be very fair.  That said it's understandable that she would be frustrated.  I think the best response you could give would be to say to her :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just wanted to let you know that I do know you are a real person&#xA;  with real problems,  If I were qualified to help you I would have but&#xA;  I do not have the skills and training that you have, and am unqualified&#xA;  to offer counseling.  I am sorry that I could not help.  If you ever&#xA;  need help with {&lt;em&gt;insert something you are capable of&lt;/em&gt;}  I will gladly&#xA;  help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally you need to clarify that the real reason you could not help was that you are not qualified to offer counseling.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By offering to help her with something else in the future you are showing that you are indeed willing to help, when qualified. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply acknowledging that she has professional skills that you don't have should go a long way towards proving that you already see her as a unique individual capable of contributing to society outside of traditional family roles.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;more generally you can help yourself (and others) to recognize that women are unique individuals by being sure to recognize verbally the achievements, and good work done by women around you whether that work is done professionally or in the home.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T18:34:23.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8129" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8131" CreationDate="2017-12-14T18:41:31.950" Score="4" ViewCount="1529" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a very good friend, let's call him Rick, who I have been acquainted with for the past 5 years. Our relationship was strong enough that he often told me that he was my best friend, and I often reciprocated as well. That being said, there is an &quot;in joke&quot; among my friend group where we tell Rick to &quot;get lost&quot;. For example, if we're just hanging out and chatting, and Rick says something, one of my friends will sometimes respond &quot;Rick, why don't you just get lost?&quot; and then everyone else echoes this in turn and we all have a good laugh. Rick seems to enjoy this joke as well and takes it all in good fun with a smile and is not bothered by it. Or so I thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last year at a birthday party thrown by my friends, I blew out my candles and someone chimed in asking what I wished for. While I know that making a birthday wish is just silly superstition, I decided to play along and maybe make a joke of my own. With a big smile on my face, I proudly exclaimed &quot;I wished that Rick would get lost!&quot; The joke went over well, as everyone had a good laugh (including Rick), but a few months later Rick moved to another city roughly an hour and a half away to live with his girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first I thought that this may be just a temporary arrangement and that Rick might move back after a few months (with or without his girlfriend). However, that is seeming increasingly unlikely as he has now purchased a house there. Normally I would not make a connection between me telling a friend about a birthday wish that they would get lost, and them actually &quot;getting lost&quot;, so to speak, but now others from my friend group have started saying that Rick moved away because I told him to get lost. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I have begun thinking that maybe me telling Rick to get lost did contribute in some small way to him moving to another city. I of course never meant it when I told him I wished he would get lost, and I highly value our mutual friendship. I want to make amends and let him know that I was just joking when I said I wished for him to get lost, and if possible ask him to move back, as I rarely see him in person anymore (most of our interaction now consists of online group chat and occasionally playing video games online together). How do I go about making such an apology and let him know that he is welcome to come back whenever he is ready?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: I told my friend to get lost, and a few months later he moved to another city. Some other friends are blaming the fact that he moved away on me and I feel like I may have contributed in some way. I would like to apologize to him and somehow make amends, and let him know that he is welcome back at any time.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10247" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T20:08:20.710" Title="How do I properly apologize to a good friend and let them know that I did not actually want them to move to another city?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8130" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-14T19:03:16.293" Score="29" ViewCount="2892" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am taking a class and the instructor knows I am hearing impaired.  The only accommodation I need is to sit in the front and to the left of the classroom and I can do the rest on my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Between reading lips and sitting close enough, I never have a problem except in very rare instances.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that when addressing me, the instructor &lt;strong&gt;TENDS TO OVERENUNCIATE AND SPEAK LOUDLY AND IN A STILTED TONE LIKE THIS.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is both jarring and makes it harder for me to understand anyone speaking this way, as their lips move in an exaggerated fashion, the tone is not natural, and the volume is unpleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it's embarrassing to me, as it looks like I'm being talked down to, or that I'm too dumb to get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I make it clear to the instructor that she can speak normally without embarrassing her or putting myself in an awkward position?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T20:54:48.720" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T20:54:48.720" Title="How do I deal with someone who makes more of my disabilities than I do?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;disability&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8131" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8129" CreationDate="2017-12-14T19:08:46.267" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;My advice for this would be to be blunt. Straight up tell Rick, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Hey, I am sorry if our constant teasing hurt you. We never meant it and it was all in good humour. You are always welcome to come back to us&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; or some variant thereof. Maybe doing it over your online chats or gaming time would be a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I do feel it was not-so-good conduct of you to make a birthday wish that one of your friends should disappear. I suggest you apologize for that &lt;em&gt;in person&lt;/em&gt; whenever you get a chance to meet up with him. Do tell him how much better it would be if he comes back or you get chances to meet more often and show that you value your friendship with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your relationship with your friend seems to be okay to me given that you are in talking terms and even play games with each other. So, my simple advice would be to maybe try to meet more often and show that you didn't mean the words that you uttered on your birthday. There is hardly any chance that this idea would ruin your friendship with Rick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10072" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T19:08:46.267" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8123" CreationDate="2017-12-14T19:28:26.463" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're being hard on yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a very big difference between viewing an entire gender in a disrespectful way (for example, your quote &quot; We men look at women and often cannot see beyond the physical exterior.&quot;) and seeing a coworker only in their work capacity because you don't know them very well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, your view of her (from my limited point of view) seems pretty normal. You see her as a &lt;em&gt;coworker&lt;/em&gt;, which makes perfect sense because that is how you interact with her every day. I have coworkers that I only know through work. We don't talk about family stuff or hobbies or anything, I just work with them. It's natural to see them mainly in their work capacity because that's the level of interaction we have. That doesn't mean that I'm disrespectful to their entire gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you've grown up in a culture that distances men from women, it's easy to see them as a sort of mystery. That's totally understandable. I think the article is talking about viewing about women in a disrespectful way. Thinking only about their appearance and perhaps thinking they aren't clever or capable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is really about thinking about women respectfully and treating them as such. While you may not feel comfortable getting to know your coworker better, are there other women who are more socially acceptable to get to know? Perhaps family members like sisters and cousins? If you can have multi-dimensional relationships with them and view them in a respectful way, then that will help you to have a healthier view of women in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I highly agree with @Dan's answer that your coworker is being a bit sensitive because she is frustrated about her situation. People are very sensitive these days about treating women well. I'd go further to say that it's important to treat every person well, no matter what their gender. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T19:28:26.463" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8130" CreationDate="2017-12-14T19:53:21.533" Score="29" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I make it clear to the instructor that the instructor can speak  normally without embarrassing her or putting myself in an awkward position?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you just need to let them know.  My gut feeling is that the instructor is trying to help make sure you get the most you can out of the class, &lt;em&gt;and is expending too much effort&lt;/em&gt; doing so.  Either come to the class a bit early or ask the instructor to stay a bit after class so you can talk to them one on one.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be &lt;em&gt;honest&lt;/em&gt; and let them know that you're all set as long as you sit in the front and to the left, as you have already told them.  Let them know when they put extra emphasis on the words, &lt;em&gt;it makes it harder for you to understand,&lt;/em&gt; and it ends up doing more harm than good.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that this tactic will do the trick, and you won't even have to bring up the fact that it's also a bit embarrassing to you.  (&lt;em&gt;No need to make them feel bad in this situation&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T05:37:46.140" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T05:37:46.140" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8070" CreationDate="2017-12-14T19:54:45.147" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The milder approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not comfortable talking about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it about you -- no criticism of the other person.  My religion has prohibitions on many types of gossip, and this is what I usually say to disengage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A slightly stronger approach, suggested by elrobis, is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Eh, it's not really my business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's still about you (you don't want to pry) but can carry a tiny hint of rebuke with it if it's really not the other person's business either.  Decide on a case-by-case basis if that's an advantage or a disadvantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The stronger approach, for use if the previous doesn't work or this happens a lot with this particular speaker:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not comfortable hearing gossip about other people.  It makes it harder for me to treat them neutrally.  (Or some other short explanation if you prefer.)  Let's talk about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As some other answers said, naming it -- &quot;gossip&quot; -- might get through in a way that just changing the subject or avoiding the problem might not.  If this is somebody who, if asked &quot;is it ok to gossip about people behind their backs?&quot; would say &quot;no&quot;, then you're helping him to recognize that he's doing something he doesn't want to do.  If he would say &quot;yeah, so what?&quot; then naming it probably won't help, but it'll at least make it clear how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; view the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-12-17T23:38:28.733" LastActivityDate="2017-12-17T23:38:28.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8085" CreationDate="2017-12-14T20:16:49.560" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well I think you need to tell your friend, that you are really really sorry, but your Brother and Sister asked you to help and they are very enthusiastic about it and since they don't normally get to do that kind of thing you felt really bad about telling them you were going to do it with your friend instead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also mention things your brother/sister have done for you that would add to make you feel bad if you told them you are not going to do it with them. Or that you haven't had the chance to spend too much time doing things with them, or such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, after telling him how sorry you are, and thanking him for his understanding, you can offer him an alternate plan. Like would you come later and help me fine-tune it? Overclocking or some activity it won't make so much sense to do with your Brother/Sister because they don't know about the subject and it would be confusing for them. Or maybe even tell him to come over to play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also you don't have to do everything with your Sister and Brother, after all they don't know about the subject and probably it would be boring if you had to do a lot of fine tuning and software installation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think he will probably understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8855" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T20:16:49.560" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-14T20:52:00.533" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a mother she will always worry about you and that's because she really cares about you. The best thing to do is psychologically convince her. Some of the things you can do are&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;make nice jokes that will make her laugh&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;tell her about your new project and how excited you are about it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;show your intelligence by solving metaphors &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10241" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T23:04:05.993" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T23:04:05.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-14T20:53:18.823" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of waiting for her to ask, once in a while tell her you are happy. &#xA;Not exactly those words, of course, but how much fun you had with this or that activity alone or with friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also tell her your plans for the future and talk to her without being prompted. If you see something interesting that you would normally share with your friends, share it with her, even if she could not possibly understand it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is trying to be a good mother, just because you tell her you are happy doesn't mean you are, many &quot;happy&quot; people out there have killed themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your happy doesn't fit with what she expects, she worries, and if you think of it, it rather makes sense. She has to make sure. And no matter what you do, maybe she will never be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing that can help is to make her meet your friends. If they are like you she will see there are other versions of happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, a question: Have you been always like this? Or maybe you have changed recently (months, years) That could also be the reason why she worries. If you did change, think why, and how, and that could give you a clue as how to make her feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8855" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T20:53:18.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8139" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8130" CreationDate="2017-12-14T21:50:26.503" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talking to the instructor directly should work, but it may be more comfortable for you to have &lt;em&gt;someone else at the school talk to them for you&lt;/em&gt;, perhaps a senior faculty member or someone more familiar with your needs, an adviser or &quot;accommodation&quot; person? And it  carries more weight coming from their &quot;boss&quot; or special faculty member, and avoids any potential embarrassment on your part (you and I know there's nothing to be embarrassed about, but still sometimes people get nervous &amp;amp; embarrassed anyway).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is telling the instructor exactly what you said here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When they over-enunciate and speak loudly and stilted, it is both jarring and makes it harder for me to understand, as their lips move in an exaggerated fashion, the tone is not natural, and the volume is unpleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're actually making it &lt;em&gt;harder&lt;/em&gt; for you to understand them. I take it you can hear some, and their louder volume could even be damaging the hearing you do have. I'd imagine the only thing you would need is them facing towards you when they talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once they know, they should be happy to comply, it's just that they don't know yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3536" LastEditorUserId="3536" LastEditDate="2017-12-14T22:01:55.490" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T22:01:55.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8123" CreationDate="2017-12-14T21:58:43.853" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;After reading your comments and the other post I can say this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I agree with Stacey you are being hard on yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I agree with Dan, Alice is projecting on to you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also can say that if you are here is because you know something is not quite right. You said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And Alice is essentially right that I do not exactly see her as what&#xA;  she calls a &quot;real person&quot;, which is the interpersonal focus of this&#xA;  question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think what she said somehow resonated true within you.&#xA;What you need to know is, if this is an &quot;Alice&quot; thing? or is it a &quot;Women&quot; thing?&#xA;From what you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to be close friends with women in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is a &quot;Women&quot; thing, made worse in the case of Alice because you find her attractive but out of reach, she being married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you interested in being friends with Men? I assume so, if not you wouldn't have these doubts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why don't you want to be friends with women? Is just that is too much of a hassle to deal with the social backlash? Or is that because you don't see them as real people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does it mean that you don't see them as &quot;real people&quot;? In general even if we don't know anything about someone, we don't go around questioning whether or not we see them as real. I mean you are not close with the chair you are sitting on but you do consider it real.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if the chair was, I don't know, a bench you could say &quot;is this a real chair?&quot; So what you are asking is whether or not women are people, and by people, I mean human beings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you see women as actual human beings? Same rights an attributes? I think you know the answer is &quot;NO&quot;. And you don't like it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one is perfect, but you realize it and you want to be better. For that I applaud you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you described Alice, you said she is attractive, she is married. If you were to describe a male coworker you were having issues with, would you use the same terms? Or would you say something else? You would probably say he is smart, or stubborn, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly if you think of this, before worrying whether someone is married or attractive, try to know them. Or could you be married to a very attractive woman that you truly hated her personality?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You shouldn't be interested in being friends with men, or with women, you &quot;should&quot; be interested in being friends with interesting (for you) people, both men and women. If you don't talk with them, or interact with them you won't find them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know how hard it can be to break these cultural barriers, so if you want to improve. Take a moment before talking with any woman, and think of them as men, what would you be saying to them if they were men, and then proceed. This will get easier and more automatic with time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, you said you want to let her know you took her criticism seriously. For that, you just need to tell her that you brought the issue up with some &quot;friends&quot; or on a website, whatever makes you feel more comfortable and share some insights.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And regarding the actual conflict that unleashed everything, tell her that you don't feel comfortable being imposed to counsel because it is not your specialization and you could gladly help her with other things (maybe paper work?), but not with that, and for that matter you wouldn't help anyone else with counseling, not just her. Also make her see that if you don't know her much is because you don't spend much time there as you only volunteer 1 or 2 times a week. And tell her that you are sorry if you made her feel bad, since it wasn't your intention and in future times if she needs help she could ask but maybe offering other possibilities. I don't know, she could ask you to get someone else to do it, or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8855" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T21:58:43.853" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8043" CreationDate="2017-12-14T22:29:57.890" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Last Christmas my sister got me a bag of bird seed for one of my&#xA;  presents and while I smiled and pretended to find it funny, my hands&#xA;  were shaking with anger and I did all I could to hide that fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are pretending to enjoy the jokes, how are they to know you aren't a willing participant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You have to tell them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not clear to me that you've conveyed your dislike at all. As far as your friends and family are aware, you may seem a willing participant. If that is the case, nothing will change until you tell them that you dislike it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been on the opposite end in the past and apologized as I didn't know they were so negatively influenced by it because they hid that response. They can't hope to fix a problem they don't know exists. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, it really bothers me when you compare me to a bird... can you&#xA;  drop it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tease my sister all the time, but I also know some topics go beyond teasing and really irritate her and so I avoid them... because I respect that boundary. If she had never voiced her displeasure, I wouldn't know where that boundary lies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3633" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T22:29:57.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1048" CreationDate="2017-12-14T23:02:31.480" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person who has lost their father, these are the interactions I felt most comfortable with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Right after the death: &lt;br&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;It was hard for me to even share with friends the news of my dad's death, so after a friend's initial &quot;I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how that feels&quot;  response (or something similar, expressing consolation), I would prefer to move on to normal conversation, because I preferred to mourn in private. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After a few weeks: &lt;br&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;In general, I wouldn't want someone else to bring it up, and would only want to discuss it if I brought it up. The exception: on important days that to relate to my dad (his birthday, anniversary of the death/funeral, and especially on Father's Day), I really appreciated that a few of my friends specifically reached out to me about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey I know this day might be hard for you, how are you feeling?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and they allowed me to guide the conversation, so if I wanted to rant about missing my dad they would let me talk and if I wanted to move on to some other topic, they would let that happen too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10353" LastActivityDate="2017-12-14T23:02:31.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8070" CreationDate="2017-12-15T00:59:21.657" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a friend like this. I liked her, but she was a downer. I couldn't simply recuse myself because I liked her and genuinely wanted to engage. I just didn't want to engage in a negative way. Perhaps instead of removing yourself from the bad cycle you could actively try to create a new cycle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person Y keeps taking credit for my work!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Humm, I've never seen that and he never seems to take credit for my work. I do like how snappliy he dresses!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person X may be offended that you're not engaging in the conversation by not indicating that you've heard, but it's possible to indicate you've heard without agreeing, so if you want to be conversational about it you can indicate that you've heard, and your take on it before introducing your positive comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person Y is so loud!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That has never been my impression. What I have noticed though is that person Y is very kind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person X may find this jarring and uncomfortable. They could choose to complain to a more sympathetic ear, but who knows maybe you can help break the cycle of negativity!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10357" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T00:59:21.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-15T01:29:19.957" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to be happy in your &lt;strong&gt;&quot;own world&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;, that's the most important.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Happiness isn't a &quot;one size fits all&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; type of thing and many people, including parents, don't seem to understand that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why don't you tell her: &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Mother, the only thing that makes me unhappy is you constantly asking me if I'm happy and comparing me to others!&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may get the point...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10298" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T06:59:34.177" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T06:59:34.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8118" CreationDate="2017-12-15T02:13:03.380" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something that's possibly worth keeping in mind in this situation is that the person who you were dealing with may not have been a willing accomplice...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often in situations where human trafficking is involved, or even simple scamming, and robbery, the bait person may be a victim too. They may themselves be a victim of human trafficking, an abused spouse/partner, or someone who owes money to, depends on, or is afraid of someone else and is being manipulated into being apart of whatever was going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen people used in similar ways in my old neighborhood. Dealers would use &quot;girlfriends&quot; to hold &quot;product&quot; so that if they got raided the girl would take the possession charges... It wasn't uncommon to see them with pretty bad bruises.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please for their sake, and the sake of other potential victims, call the police ASAP. It's after the fact now, so don't dial an emergency line, but contact your local authorities and tell them what happened, give them a description of the person who approached you as best you can and tell them what you suspect was going on. You mentioned that there's been a pattern of these in your area, the police need information if they're ever going to catch these people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T02:13:03.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8130" CreationDate="2017-12-15T02:45:59.567" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Wait for the class to end, and right before she leaves, talk to her. &quot;Ma'am, there's something I want to tell you.&quot; Carrying her stuff and talking on her way to her next class might help smoothen the flow of your conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that timing, tell her, &quot;The truth is, can you talk to me normally as you would with other students? Overly enunciating words or talking slowly makes it harder to read your lips or make out the words I hear.&quot; After your discussion about it, end it with a &quot;Thank you.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She wants to help in her own way, she just don't how exactly, so she tries what she thinks might work. She won't get offended by it as long as you don't tell her in public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10363" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T02:45:59.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8160" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-15T08:57:08.943" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When people insists on refusing to listen to my answers, I generally like to put the ball on their court and have &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt; find an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You ask me whether I'm OK, and I said &quot;Yes&quot;. Then you asked me whether I'm OK again, and I said &quot;Yes&quot; again. Then again and again. At this point, rather than asking me whether I'm happy, try asking yourself why you don't believe me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T08:57:08.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8162" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8163" CreationDate="2017-12-15T09:12:15.557" Score="6" ViewCount="338" Body="&lt;p&gt;So now and then a really old contact pops up on Facebook or Telegram, technically we aren't friends - they could be a former intern, an ex-student or some such, and I have no confidence that they will remember who I am without some context. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I just say &quot;Hi&quot;, and hope for them to remember me and provide context if they ask for it, or should I phrase it as &quot;Hi, I am  and we used to &quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I re-engage them again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6948" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T09:54:21.860" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T10:40:46.220" Title="How to re-engage someone whom I think might not remember me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-03-06T21:07:56.627" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8162" CreationDate="2017-12-15T09:45:03.453" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would advise you to re-engage them online the closest way possible to how you would expect to in a real-life situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sending a friend request on Facebook out of the blue to someone you are not normally in touch with can come across a little weird. When I receive a request like that it feels like the person has 'tracked me down', and if they were never a close friend it leads to wondering why, and what their motive is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try sending a message before a friend request. Be honest and friendly. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey - I just noticed you come up in my feed - are you the same [name] I&#xA;  went to college / worked with at [name of college / workplace] ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be specific about where you think you know them from, not vague. If they don't remember you and you are vague they may think you're not genuine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course, be prepared for any outcome. They may not reply, or they may not add you as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it goes well then you can make the call to either send a friend request, or just wait for them to send one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T10:40:46.220" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T10:40:46.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8123" CreationDate="2017-12-15T12:25:49.587" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ignoring the fact Alice is a woman: what you have here is a full-time and specialist paid worker abusing its position and the presence of a volunteer to try to hand down the work the salaried worker was specifically hired and paid to perform.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You took a more professional and laudable stance refusing to do work for which you have no experience and qualifications; in fact this could also have backfired to you if you have handled patients on the wrong,or there was a surprise inspection - thing you did not let happen fortunately, and better yet did not set a precedent. There might also would be serious confidentially issues with patients you are not handling usually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO, the &quot;co-worker&quot; also has no business asking either work or justifications from you, and it would be up to your chain of command to do that. You also have not much to lose being a volunteer, and in fact the best answer to kill the subject for good can be &quot;I only volunteered for x&quot; (e.g. I did not volunteer to do your work).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be that she is just exploiting a sensitive theme and mixing work and personal feelings to coerce you into picking up her slack next time. The &quot;co-worker&quot; is also doubly in the wrong of trying to pressure you into doing their work being absent from work &lt;em&gt;without coordinating it beforehand with you&lt;/em&gt;, and also not even giving you a call to warn the patients waiting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not your responsability a &quot;co-worker&quot; is not being having a professional stance at their job, and I would direct someone to upper management next time they try to pass the buck instead of unsuccessfully trying to reason with them - furthermore if they are not able to make it on time due to personal problems, it is up to them to reschedule &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; patients.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You were the one acting professionally here, and it seems totally unjustified you beating yourself for it, no matter what the excuses. You are letting yourself being manipulated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T23:29:10.597" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T23:29:10.597" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8172" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8175" CreationDate="2017-12-15T18:42:01.387" Score="5" ViewCount="617" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have got a new colleague to work together on a very long project. We have worked for a month now, things look good so far. She is a very reserved person, but I am not a big extrovert myself, so this fact didn't bother me. Still I have thought that as we are going to work together for a long time, and the project requires quite a lot of communication, it would be good to get to know each other better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I spoke to my partner and today, when we both were leaving the building at the end of the day, I have told her that my partner and I want to invite her and her partner for a dinner on Saturday. She was startled, then she was silent for a couple of minutes, then she started to say something like &quot;We don't usually go for dinners&quot; and I was prepared to hear about allergy, or halal or kashrut, whatever, then suddenly she blurted out: &quot;We are very particular about our meals, we are foodies&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was so astonished that I said something very stupid about my cooking being not good enough for her, she said &quot;Sorry&quot; and went out of the building. Now, it is a weekend, but I have to meet her again on Monday. What should I do? I still feel very uncomfortable about this situation. I do not want our work relationship to be influenced by that, but I feel that it would. Should I say sorry? My partner thinks so, but I do not really know what for should I feel sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer possible questions. If she would say something about allergy, or another engagement, or even not being in the mood to go out this weekend, I won't see it as a great deal, I would say &quot;What a pity, another time then&quot;, would probably repeat an invitation in a month or so and let it go after the second refusal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foodie&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;foodie&lt;/a&gt; is a person who has an ardent or refined interest in food and alcoholic beverages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9600" LastEditorUserId="9600" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T19:08:39.540" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T20:31:01.480" Title="Invitation for dinner refused with a strange reason" Tags="&lt;europe&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-12-15T20:46:13.597" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8174" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-15T18:50:22.330" Score="4" ViewCount="193" Body="&lt;p&gt;Three times on my commute around town on the subway, I've encountered people who are openly hostile for whatever reason, potentially drugs or alcohol or maybe just naturally violent. In two cases the person in question went around the train shouting death threats at people, pounding on the doors and windows of the train, and in one case spitting on people. The other was an altercation on the platform that again ended in someone being spit upon and an arrest by transit police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The general reaction from people (myself included) on the train was to keep your head down, not engage, and wait for either this passenger to disembark or for transit workers to deal with the situation while praying you aren't targeted individually. Are there any other more constructive ways to deal with this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5808" LastEditorDisplayName="user5808" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T19:00:15.497" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T19:00:15.497" Title="How to Handle Openly Hostile Strangers On the Subway?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-12-15T19:42:10.760" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8172" CreationDate="2017-12-15T18:51:59.223" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;What should you do? Nothing. And don't worry about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was nice of you to invite them over for dinner and she punted. It's possible that she had a different reason for not wanting to go and used any excuse she could think of in the moment. But on the final analysis, and at the lowest common denominator, the invite wasn't accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't take it personally. Next time you see her treat her just like you did before you ever asked her to dinner. Anything more might push an issue that's uncomfortable for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;American idiom here, but the ball is in her court. If she wants to shift the situation, allow her the space to make the next overture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4408" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T18:51:59.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8176" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8178" CreationDate="2017-12-15T18:52:39.117" Score="-1" ViewCount="2099" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now. We get on well and I'd like to stay with her. A year ago my girlfriend and a good friend of mine (also female, we'll call her Jane) had a big falling out. My girlfriend will not talk to Jane and wants nothing to do with her and is upset that I maintain contact, albeit in a very diminished form when compared to before, with my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like I'm in a really tough position because although ultimately my girlfriend is more important to me, my friend was always good to me and we got on very well. I can't engage in hobbies/activities that I previously did with her such as camping, movie nights, whatever else. Please keep in mind that all my interactions with Jane have been with her boyfriend present, so it was never inappropriate. Their relationship was fine up until the falling out and sometimes my girlfriend was also present during these activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't get my girlfriend to forgive Jane and I'm unwilling to engage in activities that involve Jane because it will upset her. Yet I feel like I've wronged Jane because she's been there for me and helped me out on numerous occasions and now I'm pushing her out of my life to appease my girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the correct action here? Ideally they could reconcile, but Jane is unwilling to apologize and thinks she's done nothing wrong and my girlfriend wants absolutely nothing to do with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About a year ago I was at a party and did not have my drivers license. I have it now, but back then I didn't. It was in a small village and the only transport options available in this village (for those not driving) were bus/taxi. It was a Friday night and my colleague was hosting the party so he brought me there after work. The party ended everyone fell asleep drunk. I was pretty drunk too and wanted to go home. The problem was that it was now very late and there were no buses driving anymore. So I wrote to my girlfriend via whatsapp and asked if she'd be willing to make the hour long drive to come and pick me up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend isn't the most confident driver and she wasn't willing to get me in the middle of the night from a village she's never been to. I was annoyed by this because I would have done it for her without hesitation if our roles were reversed, but I understand her fears etc so I let it go. So I sleep there on an air mattress my friend Jane kindly provided for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wake up the next day and everyone's leaving. Buses still aren't available (perhaps due to a public holiday? I wasn't sure then and still not now) so I contacted my girlfriend again and asked if she'd be willing to get me now that it's day and because the buses weren't available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She still wasn't willing. What ended up happening was that Jane brought me home and was very angry with my girlfriend for not getting me. She wrote a series of scathing messages to her on whatsapp, like &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; scathing. I was surprised by the hostility in it and thought it was frankly a bit too harsh. Among more valid criticisms, it touched on how she thought my girlfriend was childish, selfish, etc and how she was lucky to have me as a boyfriend and how she didn't deserve me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane and my girlfriend are worlds apart in terms of personality. Jane is fiery and brutally honest. She speaks her mind and talks without a filter, whereas my girlfriend is not like that at all. Minus the personal attacks, some of what Jane said about my girlfriend was true. But the overall tone was just too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Other Info&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be prudent to provide more info so that Jane's anger is more understandable. Jane's not a bad person in my opinion. It wasn't just one time my girlfriend didn't want to collect me. Other times included:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Every day after work, I'd walk about 2km from the train station to our house. This was in every season, also when snowing/raining. Normally I did not mind and did not ask, but in adverse weather it would have been nice to get picked up. During such adverse weather conditions, she would only collect me after argument. Sometimes I'd return home drenched if the wind was too much for my umbrella.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A few times the trains went on strike so I was literally stranded. She would always say to hitchhike home, upon which I would insist she collect me. She did, but only after argument and she'd be angry about it afterwards (distance of 20km).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While getting my drivers license, there were times I had to take a bus trip of an hour or longer to get home because she was unwilling to drive for 15 minutes to get me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that I have my own license and can get around myself, these frustrations have ceased. Her unwillingness to drive has not. She's uncomfortable driving any long distance and will ask me to drive in most situations, especially if the distance is large.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10387" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T22:39:17.677" Title="How to deal with a good friend and a girlfriend that do not get on" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-15T19:23:12.323" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8176" CreationDate="2017-12-15T19:08:05.160" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a tough situation here. There are two prongs: First, your issue with your girlfriend not driving a fair share (as I understand it), and second, the more important issue of animosity between your girlfriend and your good friend, Jane.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your issue with the girlfriend's contribution to driving. Sorry, but you'll have to recognize this as a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_cost&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;sunk cost&lt;/a&gt; of being in a relationship with this person. If she is uncomfortable driving, gets anxious, and doesn't want to drive, taking issue with this won't change anything. If this is a deal-breaker, you need to end the relationship; if it isn't, you need to write it off and forget about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue with your friend Jane's caustic verbal assault of your girlfriend is a more serious issue. She's been a good friend to you, which we respect, and which you want to maintain. But the bottom line is Jane went too far. She needs to recognize it, and she needs to apologize...and that apology needs to be genuine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in your situation I'd call Jane and open with &quot;Hey can I discuss something real quick?&quot; Next, assure her that she's a great friend and that you appreciate her tremendously, then emphasize your perspective—that her tone and aggression toward your girlfriend was disappointing, and you'd appreciate it if she'd take it under consideration and make an apology to your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4408" LastEditorUserId="4408" LastEditDate="2017-12-15T22:39:17.677" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T22:39:17.677" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-15T19:43:49.243" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;For some people, a defined &lt;strong&gt;signal&lt;/strong&gt; works. It is no longer a body language &lt;strong&gt;clue/hint&lt;/strong&gt;, it is a direct signal this person sends to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I view, the other person does not mind your teasing in general. It is specific times when they are &quot;not in the mood&quot;. Suggest that you agree on a specific signal they send towards you when this is the case. You will know it, other people need not. It could be a hand gesture, a little word in a sentence, a specific glance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Signals of this kind work in other situations, so I believe that it could work here as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T19:43:49.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8172" CreationDate="2017-12-15T20:31:01.480" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I was so astonished that I said something very stupid about my cooking being not good enough for her,&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That may not have come across very friendly. You cannot change her behavior (as &lt;em&gt;elrobis&lt;/em&gt; more or less says in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/8175/10085&quot;&gt;his answer&lt;/a&gt;), but I suggest you take responsibility for your part of the conversation. You obviously feel not good about having said that either, since you don't feel comfortable about it and call it &lt;em&gt;stupid&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry about my remark last Friday about 'my cooking not being good enough', that may have sounded unfriendly. I was a bit surprised and did not really know how to react. And its perfectly fine if you don't want to come over for dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not too heavy, just to clear up anything that may be left between you.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You have to mean that last sentence, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10085" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T20:31:01.480" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8181" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8182" CreationDate="2017-12-15T21:22:54.980" Score="5" ViewCount="1854" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in the IT department at a financial institution, and we recently hired a new person into our department. He's a quick learner and great to work with, but myself and another coworker have noticed a tendency to make assumptions about others' personal finances that are not exactly offensive, but still feel tone-deaf and invasive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when he was getting signed up for benefits and discussing whether to select a traditional or an HSA plan, he tried to tell me that I should sign up for the HSA (Health Savings Account) plan, on the assumption that I had several thousand dollars lying around to pay the high premiums on that plan like he does. I kind of shrugged it off and tried to change the subject, but this same behavior came up again when talking about cryptocurrency investments. I love having another cryptocurrency geek in the office, but it's hard not to resent his assumption that everyone has money lying around like he does to make large, risky investments like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get paid fairly well in my current position, but I'm also saddled with quite a bit of student debt that eats into a chunk of my monthly income. I'm only a few years out of school, and am still getting my financial footing established, whereas this person seems like they have a lot of family money, and for his age (early 30s) it seems like he's pretty well-off (talking about doing thousands of dollars worth of Ethereum trades at once and being able to spend thousands of dollars on home renovations). I get the impression that this is what drives his assumptions about others' finances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question is, what's the best way to tell him that personal finances are a private matter, and that he shouldn't make so many assumptions about other peoples' situations or try to dictate what decisions others should make?&lt;/strong&gt; I would like to just say &quot;I'm too poor for that&quot;, but that would leave me feeling awkward and embarrassed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any workplace people are going to talk about benefits, and naturally at a financial institution money will always be a topic of conversation. I don't want to stifle any of that discussion, but the issue is that I want this person to be more cognizant of how most people's personal finances look a lot different than his own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT (in response to questions):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm not sure how well-off they actually are (since that's none of my business), but as far as I can tell they're being honest, from working with them for a few months they seem to be trustworthy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm located in the US, where I know talking about finances is generally considered taboo, compared with other countries. Unlike other Americans, I don't see it as taboo but as something that should be treated sensitively.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9181" LastEditorUserId="9181" LastEditDate="2017-12-17T23:14:15.740" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T01:32:36.767" Title="How to prevent a coworker from engaging inappropriate talk about personal finances?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8181" CreationDate="2017-12-15T21:40:15.973" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's start out with the question.  &quot;What's the best way to tell him that personal finances are a private matter, and that he shouldn't make so many assumptions about other peoples' situations or try to dictate what decisions others should make?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You provide the answer in your question.  If he starts talking to you about money, respond that &quot;my personal finances are a private matter so I don't share details&quot;.  If he tries to give you guidance on what you should do, there's no need to become defensive; just respond with the above again.  After several people telling him the same thing, he should get in the mindset that people don't talk about their personal finances.  Even if it's just you telling him that, he should eventually learn that such a topic doesn't get a response from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you and he become close in the office, then perhaps a quiet 1-1 conversation would help.  But you'd need to be somewhat close to each other; otherwise it will come across as you trying to tell him how to be at work - a practice that doesn't generally end well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no need to correct his assumptions - that will only invite future conversations that you don't want.  I think the end goal is that you don't want personal financial conversations; refusing to engage in them will resolve the rest of the issue you describe.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T21:40:15.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8057" CreationDate="2017-12-15T21:49:45.677" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what I'm reading, you are doing the classic response of trying to solve a persons problem. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes no one can. Being able to say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah, I'd be really upset too. I know you worked hard on that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and just stop there and listen some more. You don't have to have an opinion, or advice, or give direction to someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More often than not, listening and repeating back to the person what they said is the best thing to do. You repeat back what they said so they know you heard them, and they feel like you care for listening very intently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone compares their failures to your achievements, that's not very fair to you. I think you would be right in reminding them of this, and it might even help them realize they need to work harder. I might say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, I have worked really hard to have great grades. You've worked&#xA;  really hard on other things, and sometimes I'm a little jealous seeing&#xA;  you (do whatever they do, might be more friends, funnier, some other&#xA;  achievement, sports, etc), but that's because you spent more time than&#xA;  me on it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is the case, because in my early 20's I spent a lot of time getting over social anxiety. I compared my career achievements to other peoples, and I might have been successful in my career earlier if I hadn't had to spend time and energy, and had more confidence. But I remind myself that I had to put work into improving my social anxiety to move on to other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9216" LastActivityDate="2017-12-15T21:49:45.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8184" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-15T22:28:03.767" Score="6" ViewCount="379" Body="&lt;p&gt;While playing a game of baseball with coworkers after work recently, one of my coworkers twisted his ankle. Obviously he was in pain, and we paused the game and asked if he was all right, but then I wasn't sure what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the time it took for the acute pain to pass and for him to walk over to the side, I just stood there, feeling uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there any way to better react when someone is hurt?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mention him being a coworker, but I think that even if we were close friends I would still be unsure about how to respond to the injury.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10353" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T08:34:23.280" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T15:47:19.947" Title="How to comfort someone in pain from a mild injury?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8184" CreationDate="2017-12-16T00:35:10.773" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My instinct would've been to kneel down, lay a hand on his shoulders. You don't need to say anything, he's in no mood to listen anyway, just be there supportingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think he would expect you to have done anything more either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your uncomfortableness is due to you feeling self conscious for standing awkwardly while he's hurting, not because you did anything poorly to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10396" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T09:10:17.950" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T09:10:17.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8188" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8217" CreationDate="2017-12-16T01:27:54.733" Score="11" ViewCount="3103" Body="&lt;p&gt;My fiancée and I are planning on moving out of our parent's house and into an apartment of our own after our wedding. During a conversation with a close mutual friend of ours, it was brought up that he will be going to school very near the city we had discussed moving to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His program is going to take over several years to complete, and the commute from his current residence to his school is understandingly unappealing, as it would often involve an hour drive through a highway locally known to have bad traffic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, my fiancée and I are not quite sure about whether or not to accept his request to be our roommate. We enjoy hanging out with him, and do so quite frequently, but we do not know if he would be a good room mate as we both don't know what his habits are like around his home. We also value our private time together and do not know whether having him co-inhabiting will influence this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finances will not be an issue for the two of us, but I know he wouldn't be able to live independently once he goes to school. We're both not sure if we should give him a chance and see how things go, or just decline his request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we do decline, &lt;strong&gt;how do we decline whilst minimizing the effect on our relationship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Note: This question is not asking if we should decline, but how to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9369" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-06T10:36:59.513" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T10:36:59.513" Title="How do I decline a friend wanting to become roommates?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8057" CreationDate="2017-12-16T03:53:45.007" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Motivation can change anyone's life. But motivation from Right person at the Right time matters more. If our words can make them believe in themselves and not stop from trying ,that would be great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.Trying is way way better than sitting idle, so we already know you are close to succeeding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2.Success is not everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3.Even after success there is lots to achieve, a bitter truth which most of the people overlook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4.Success might give recognition, Peace of mind is above all. More importantly its how one believe's in himself adds to the longer journey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10259" LastEditorUserId="10259" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T04:56:15.557" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T04:56:15.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8190" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-16T05:18:55.853" Score="10" ViewCount="3321" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, my mom, for whatever reason, has started accusing my dad of cheating or messaging this other woman. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially, I tried to stay out of it but I couldn’t when I heard the “evidence” my mom came up with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She said stuff like WhatsApp messages and my dad being online within 5 mins of this other woman even though my dad has his work WhatsApp stuff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plus, my dad doesn’t have this woman’s number at all, but she keeps persisting. Next, because my dad uses an iPhone, she accused him of using the iPhone “restriction” setting to hide the messages even though:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;restriction is a child safety feature&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;there’s no way to hide it &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She seems blinded to this paranoia and refuses to see reason. And this is affecting me too. I would move out but finances are a bit stretched at the moment. Any idea how to resolve this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I want to try and convince my mom to at least listen to reason.&lt;/strong&gt; But so far any attempt I try doesn’t work&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10400" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T07:41:36.693" LastActivityDate="2019-07-03T13:24:06.177" Title="Mom accuses dad of cheating" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8191" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8028" CreationDate="2017-12-16T05:29:46.070" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stop teasing him. Yes, completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already say that you've done it &lt;em&gt;in spite of&lt;/em&gt; detecting his discomfort (&quot;...I realized that while I could tell he wasn't 100% having fun...&quot;). This is not a matter of recognizing when he's uncomfortable. You've crossed the line more than once, and now it will be too easy to let it happen again.  So it's time to just stop doing it at all. Additionally, having crossed the line before likely means that none of it is fun for your friend anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might start teasing him without realizing it sometimes since you're already in the habit. As soon as you realize it, stop, walk away, and maybe even apologize in private for it and make it clear that you're trying to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1562" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T05:29:46.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8181" CreationDate="2017-12-16T05:33:42.670" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Start the conversation saying you're way smart when it comes to investments, it's really good. I love your advice but I need to rethink on my investment plans as I have other things in my mind for current financial Year. Plus everyone has their own plans and ways for better and smart ways of investments. It is good to advice people. But leave them to take the decision or stay away from it. Also believe not everyone would disclose their lifestyle to everyone.&#xA;To the part how to keep people away from your financial investment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Personal savings are personal. I love to keep my profile low.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't inquire personal investments &amp;amp; expect the same, as it causes lot of inconvenience to lots of people.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10259" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-04-09T01:32:36.767" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T01:32:36.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8195" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8184" CreationDate="2017-12-16T09:08:53.710" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there any way to better react when someone is hurt?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you have professional knowledge in health care, I don't think you can be more than just a temporary support to them. You can show that you're concerned, and willing to help. Hopefully, doing some of the following will help you and the other person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;stay close enough to help if the person want to stand up or need something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask them if they want you to call for some help&lt;sup&gt;(*)&lt;/sup&gt; if pain is too big.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask them if they want to try and stand up (with or without your help) or prefer to just sit on the ground for a moment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if they stand up, ask them if they can put some body weight on the injured ankle, and if it allows to go to the nearest chair/bench.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just avoid the awkward thing you listen to too many times when this happens: &quot;&lt;em&gt;Are you ok?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Obviously, &lt;strong&gt;NO&lt;/strong&gt;, they are not, as they just hurt themselves and feel pain...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing sports for a long time, with friends or coworkers, I've been in this situation (both sides), and we almost ended up doing something like the above. Nothing more, nothing less...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;* Many countries (all? I guess) have dedicated numbers in case of medical emergency. But it can also be calling a friend/SO to come and pick them up,&#xA; or take care of their car.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T10:35:29.530" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T10:35:29.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8188" CreationDate="2017-12-16T10:00:33.253" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My advice would be, don't do it.&lt;/strong&gt; (Unless you can do this whole-heartedly)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You two are off to your very first own home and &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt; should hold you back there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly I'm surprised that he would ask, and also ask it to be permanent as well. Not a good start as it looks like he only sees HIS part of the deal, which is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; good: Instant and more suitably located housing with friends. In all actual fact a &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;convenience&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your part? &lt;em&gt;Not&lt;/em&gt; so good. You'll have to share your very first own home. You are giving up on privacy. And, what if his education goes wrong? Will he be on your hands indefinitely? You are watering down &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; life considerably in the areas that really matter to provide this... convenience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Alternatives abound.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would be much much better if you do provide this convenience at the same level. In that case it would take the form of dossing down occasionally in the weekend after a feast, dossing down for a limited amount of time while searching for a real/permanent/shared home over there, well, I think you get the picture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cautionaries abound too.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Refusing any permanent/no end date settlement will keep the friendship much more balanced. Picture you serving a romantic breakfast for your loved one wearing nothing but a rose between your teeth... And him coming in with some 6 friends for a post binge night gaming session... Picture him resentfully complying with all kinds of limitations on his lifestyle so you can get up fresh and early every morning with your loved one...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is just so &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not compatible&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. (And if the friendship is solid he should be able to see this, too.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="244" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T10:06:45.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T10:06:45.197" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8197" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8216" CreationDate="2017-12-16T11:40:48.250" Score="9" ViewCount="826" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was taking some photos for a work function (it's my workplace, I'm not a professional photographer) and I was taking a photo of a group of people. One of them was overweight, and his shirt had ridden up so that some of it was caught in the stomach area, so part of it was folded in. I wanted to suggest that he pull his shirt down so that it would be flat, but I couldn't think of a tactful way to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried complimenting his shirt and asking if I could get a picture of just the shirt (it had a funny picture on it), but he just said it was fine and let me take a photo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't bother me that his shirt was caught, but I thought he would prefer it if it wasn't stuck in the photo, which will be uploaded on the intranet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a tactful way for me to ask him to straighten out his shirt, or am I thinking too much about it and I should just take the photo as is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T13:21:29.177" Title="How to tactfully ask someone to adjust their shirt for a photo?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8190" CreationDate="2017-12-16T13:38:38.527" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your Mom has an idea in her head.  Regardless of the truth of that idea, it is in her head and won't easily leave because she has interpreted what she has seen as evidence that supports her idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'm going to recommend that you don't attack the facts; because, she's already decided that her facts are correct.  Besides, she's taken a stand on her ideas, and she's unlikely to change that without suffering a lot of indignity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So tell her the impact of her actions.  Avoid talking about the possible infidelity, but talk about how you feel due to the things she is doing and saying in your presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will appeal to you by trying to change the conversation, indicating that you should be concerned with how she feels.  This is natural, but it drags you back into a world where she gets to ignore the consequences of her actions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her actions are hurting you.  You can agree that she is hurting, but you should be very careful in agreeing that because she's hurting, she gets understanding or compassion in her assistance to hurt others (including you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10404" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T13:38:38.527" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8199" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-16T13:39:57.777" Score="13" ViewCount="2564" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many people like to go and feed the ducks at the ponds and lakes near where I live. It's lovely that they want to interact with and appreciate these wild animals. Unfortunately, they nearly always feed bread. I imagine that they are unaware it can in fact cause more harm than good throwing bread in these situations, particularly when in large quantities. It is unhealthy for the birds to eat, as well as the fact that leftover bread encourages rats and algal blooms. (I'll avoid a long discussion here as it's not crucial to the question, but if you are interested, there's more detail about the reasons in &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2015/mar/16/dont-feed-the-ducks-bread-say-conservationists&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt;.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to take bird seed or similar to throw to the ducks. I'd like to encourage others to do the same, but would feed awkward about doing so. &lt;strong&gt;How can I politely convince people whom I see feeding the ducks to bring more suitable alternatives in the future?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to make sure that I do not come across as negative or confrontational - as I said, the motives behind feeding the ducks are good, and besides, if I come across as too evangelical I'm sure it is less likely to be effective in persuading anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that some local spots now carry signs asking people not to throw bread, but they are often not very obvious, or else people ignore them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3561" LastActivityDate="2017-12-17T07:50:31.600" Title="Telling people that feeding bread to ducks is harmful" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8199" CreationDate="2017-12-16T14:23:27.863" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Actually, feeding ducks &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; bread isn't harmful. It can be likened to feeding a person hamburgers: It's simply not very nutrient rich. The growth of algae and vermin is only an issue when too much bread is given and the left overs are left behind. In moderation, feeding bread is fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I bring this up is because this allows you to have an &quot;in&quot; on a conversation, simply asking if they're there often, feeding the ducks. &lt;em&gt;How often?&lt;/em&gt; If it's once every few months, there's no reason for them to change their behaviour. It is not harmful to the birds or the ecosystem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if they're feeding the ducks every other day you should probably try to convince them, but now you're already in a conversation and you can start asking for their motives: &lt;em&gt;Do you always bring bread?&lt;/em&gt; If they usually bring seeds, there's no issue. If they buy bread for feeding because they like seeing the ducks eat, now your path to convincing is pretty clear: &lt;em&gt;Did you know that bread is actually pretty harmful?&lt;/em&gt; and you can explain the problem without judgement. As you remarked yourself, their actions are almost surely well-intended. So your goal shouldn't be to convince them to use seed. Instead, you should aim to create awareness; they'll step over to seeds themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This comes down to a more general idea behind persuasion: Don't try to sell someone something they don't need nor care for. Instead, listen to what they want, what their motives are and supply them with a solution that achieves those. e.g Don't sell them a pen because it's a great pen, sell them a pen because they'd like to write their name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10356" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T14:23:27.863" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8199" CreationDate="2017-12-16T14:23:35.957" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to be an agent of change, you need to provide the solution in addition to highlighting the problem.  Just to illustrate my point, it took me more than one reading to realize you suggested bird seed as an alternative.  Your message of the solution was that deeply lost in the negatives of bread.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop talking about how bad bread is for ducks and start talking about how great bird seed is for ducks.  Forget the negatives of bread, focus on the positives of bird seed; that bird seed prevents algal blooms, that bird seed promotes healthy duck digestive systems, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you'll quickly hear a few problems with bird seed, and you'll probably need to have canned answers to address them to make your message more effective.  I'll illustrate a few that I can think of, and you should think of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I buy bread constantly, but I have no idea where to buy bird seed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I can eat the remainder of my bread.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I can throw my bread more effectively than scattering seed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Birds can see my bread more effectively than noticing I'm throwing seed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ducks tend to eat small fish, fish eggs, worms, snails, grass, algae, frogs, and insects, and bird seed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to have answers for all o these questions; but, having answers for the ones you imagine are likely will bolster confidence in your ability to sustain a conversation, which will lower your barrier for starting it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a positive start, like &quot;I'm using bird seed, have you tried it, it's great!&quot; and a bit of upbeat information, you might sway a person or two.  With a &quot;you're doing it wrong&quot; kind of a approach, you'll probably get the feedback you expect.  Your reasonable expectations are likely why you're having difficulty sending your message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people like to improve.  Instead of focusing your ire on people who throw bread, be a proponent for throwing seed, and see if you can get them to follow your lead.  Take heart that even one person throwing seed in the future is not throwing bread.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10404" LastEditorUserId="10404" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T14:35:42.527" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T14:35:42.527" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8199" CreationDate="2017-12-16T14:25:23.520" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have to have this sort of conversation with customers/guests where I work on a pretty regular basis...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case it's usually a much broader &amp;quot;Please don't feed the animals&amp;quot; there are quite a few mischievous trash-pandas and occasional crafty foxes who can get really bold when they get accustomed to being fed...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We also have a few species like gopher tortoises, manatees, and a smattering of birds that are protected/endangered that people can be fined/jailed for feeding or molesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once we had a pretty big problem with a flock of ducks that would chase people looking for food, occasionally even trying to follow people inside the buildings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation usually goes something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Please don't feed the animals or leave food unattended and keep all your doors and windows closed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: It's just one cracker, what harm can it do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Well, the animals can get accustomed to being fed, and they start to get really bold after that... To them it's not just one cracker from one person, it's a few dozen snacks from a few dozen different people who didn't see the harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Why the doors and windows though?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I wouldn't want to have to chase a raccoon or fox out of your car or building... They're pretty intelligent and persistent when they smell food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T21:04:22.980" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8199" CreationDate="2017-12-16T14:30:38.177" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a really good analysis - too many people want to help and start out with confrontation and not interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have the right starting point by bringing along birdseed - rather than demanding change, you are the change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that you won't turn this ship quickly.  And if you go about it too aggressively, you'll just annoy people and they'll avoid you.  I'd suggest starting small.  I'd imagine that you folks gather in certain places to feed the ducks and that's where you can start.  Let the conversation begin and it can be about anything.  After you develop a certain rapport with someone, offer them some of your birdseed or other duck-healthy food.  That should give you the opening to explain why you aren't feeding the ducks junk food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a great article at Popular Science about feeding ducks: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.popsci.com/feeding-ducks-bread&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.popsci.com/feeding-ducks-bread&lt;/a&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T14:30:38.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8197" CreationDate="2017-12-16T14:40:26.780" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should you just take the photo as is?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately this is up to your own discretion. While it is lovely that you are thinking and trying to act based off of what they will most appreciate, the problem is that there is no sure way to know from just looking. Some people may get terribly embarrassed from having such a thing pointed out and some will be super thankful, (personally I would say that more often than not people will fall in the thankful group) all you can do is make a judgement call at the time it happens. Fortunately neither way is particularly rude and just the fact that you are considering/worrying about whether or not they would like for you to point it out shows that you are approaching this from the right angle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A typical example that would be the main reason for me whether or not I decided to tell them is &lt;em&gt;if you are able to tell them the information privately, or if they are in a large group that would overhear you&lt;/em&gt;. If they are in a large group, singling one person out and telling them to adjust their shirt draws a large amount of attention to the person and their shirt, so I would say that there is a larger chance they will feel embarrassed and I would be more likely to choose to not tell them and just take the photo; or, if I did decide to let them know, I would keep in mind the group aspect when coming up with what to say. One way to do this could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person A, B and C could you adjust your shirts please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This spreads the attention across everyone and also normalizes the interaction of being told to adjust your shirt (less embarrassing to do something socially considered as normal)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are taking a solo photo, or have some other means of communicating to the person privately that their shirt needs fixing, it is more clear that you are doing this for the benefit of them taking a good photo and they will probably recognize this and be thankful for the advice, which is why I would be more likely to tell them instead of just taking the photo. When telling them I would be clear and to the point to make sure they understand exactly what I am telling them while minimizing the duration of the awkward conversation. One thing I might say is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your shirt is folded in&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may seem a bit blunt but it works because in cases like these, directly highlighting the issue means there is little chance of anything being misunderstood and the up front way you let them know will be appreciated i.e. they will probably respond with &lt;em&gt;&quot;thank you&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T13:21:29.177" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T13:21:29.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8184" CreationDate="2017-12-16T15:12:11.417" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was a corpsman with the Navy, what you are trying to describe has a formal term for it: &lt;em&gt;bedside manner&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Focus on them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Really listen to them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Observe them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid judgement&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Relax your shoulders&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid leading questions    &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Speak carefully&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't force reassurance.  But by being the focus of your attention, this person will eventually feel your care, provided you don't upset them further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as OldPadawan mentioned, avoid &quot;Are you ok?&quot; because, that's a leading question.  &quot;How are you feeling?&quot; is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10404" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T15:12:11.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8181" CreationDate="2017-12-16T15:21:29.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I need to review these plans for myself.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Until I look over the plans myself, I can't be sure they fit my financial needs&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That might be true, but I'll read over the plans.  I like to make my own financial decisions.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you assert enough times that you make your own financial decisions, they'll get the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Odds are that they analyzed all of the plans, according to their financial situation, and found an optimum solution &lt;strong&gt;for them&lt;/strong&gt;.  Remind them that you need to do the same &lt;strong&gt;for you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're trying to be helpful, and if you really want to be gracious, ask them for help on something that's not going to violate a personal boundary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks, but what I really need right now is to know where I can get a decent cup of coffee.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10404" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-12-17T00:09:25.890" LastActivityDate="2017-12-17T00:09:25.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8184" CreationDate="2017-12-16T15:47:19.947" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was ski patrol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A Dr or medical professional is not always going to volunteer.  They may assume you are a Dr.  Ask if a Dr or medic is in the crowd.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't crowd the person standing as it is not comfortable for them.  Sit or kneel next to the person so you are on the same level.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is OK to ask them if they are OK. State your level of medical training even if it is zero. Ask them if they want you to get medical help. Ask them if they need anything.  Assess / treat up to your medical training.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually you need to move them to a safe spot.  Decide if you need medical help for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stay with them until you have turned them over to someone with proper medical training or it is clear they are OK and can take care of them-self.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often they want to remove the shoe and medically it is typically best to leave it on initially.  It stabilizes and controls swelling.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T15:47:19.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8199" CreationDate="2017-12-16T17:23:49.853" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you do not want to be confrontational:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give them a complement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suggest an improvement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let them ask for more details if they so choose.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's great that you want to feed the ducks. I might suggest using seeds instead of bread next time, as that's healthier for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I didn't say &quot;It's great that you're feeding the ducks&quot;, as that complements their bad action - I instead focused on their good intention (although that subtle difference in phrasing might be lost on a lot of people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they get particularly defensive or rude, they probably wouldn't be particularly receptive anyway, so you might as well end the interaction there by avoiding responding much further and not going into too much detail if you do. The above should give them enough information if they choose to investigate this on their own at some later stage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they respond with a sincere question (e.g. &quot;is bread bad for them?&quot;), you can go into more details, but try to strike a balance between &quot;you're doing harm&quot; and &quot;you're not doing that much harm&quot; (since the goal is to get them on your side, not to make them feel bad), for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, while bread is okay occasionally in small quantities, in larger quantities or given more regularly (such as when many people are doing it), it interferes with their regular diet since it fills them up and doesn't have much nutritional value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also offer some alternatives...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There are also alternatives which are also healthier for them. I already mentioned seeds, but X, Y or Z could also work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or expand on the suggestion you gave:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Any type of birdseed should work. Stores X and Y should sell some. I think there's a store X right down the street there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a particularly common problem, this might be an uphill battle and it might be more beneficial to speak to the park about the idea of putting up a sign or selling seeds nearby or trying to address the problem in some other more general way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2017-12-16T17:30:38.360" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T17:30:38.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8199" CreationDate="2017-12-16T19:29:01.987" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give alternatives to feeding bread. Don't focus on &quot;don't do X&quot;. For example speaking to people or having a sign like &quot;Please don't feed the ducks bread.&quot; is all negative with no positive. An alternative &quot;Please feed the ducks birdseed instead of bread.&quot; is more positive and provides encouragement.&#xA;As an additional action make a few small bags of birdseed. Randomly offer bags to people feeding bread.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10051" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T19:29:01.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8210" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7474" CreationDate="2017-12-16T19:33:20.597" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't ask without embarrassing yourself or her. Either she's talking about someone else, or she's subtweeting to provoke you. You made a decision that it would be best for you not to talk to her, and from what you told us about your experience, your intuition is right. But you should have followed through and also unfollowed her on social media to protect you from worries like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T19:33:20.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8212" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-16T21:16:24.483" Score="10" ViewCount="2573" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a delicate matter because we recently reconnected after over 20 years.  It turns out that he is a die-hard supporter of a political figure that I dislike.  I'm an adult.  I can deal with someone disagreeing with a particular policy or where our tax dollars are going  or on any number of other issues, but changing the facts to support your position is called lying.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was no Facebook the last time I spoke with my family, do I have no experience communicating with a family member online and on a public stage.  Nevertheless, he lives on the other side of the country and so this is his first opportunity to &quot;see&quot; me and what I've become.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He kicked me out of the house the day he suspected I was gay and so to avoid making him feel uncomfortable, I created a separate Facebook page, just for him and other family members.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It turns out that &lt;em&gt;I'm&lt;/em&gt; the uncomfortable one.  The pictures and messages he posts are just blatantly untrue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, it's gotten to the point where I don't want to look at his Facebook page at all and so my new step mom, who I really like and who really wants to get to know me, isn't getting any responses from me when she tags me and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I respond to these Facebook posts, without appearing to be a know it all, without appearing argumentative and without offending him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9976" LastEditorUserId="9976" LastEditDate="2017-12-17T11:55:14.050" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T05:38:11.113" Title="How do I rebut my Dad's political Facebook posts that are factually untrue and offensive, without destroying a fragile relationship?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;politics&gt;&lt;reconnecting&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8213" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8212" CreationDate="2017-12-16T21:29:43.267" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no appropriate way for you and your estranged father to discuss this &lt;strong&gt;on Facebook&lt;/strong&gt;. Posting links to rebuttals, Snopes etc will only cause him to dig in his heels and damage your nascent relationship. The fact it's in front of his online friends makes it even worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a few off-FB options. You first have to decide whether you want him to stop believing this stuff, or just stop sharing this stuff on FB. The latter is easier, yet you can see that after decades of &quot;being himself&quot; and &quot;posting stuff he likes&quot; being told that you don't like to see it is unlikely to go over well. You could tell him that due to the volume of FB posts, you only look at things you're tagged in, then change your follow settings so that at least for things he posts, it's true. That would save you seeing posts that upset you while not requiring him to change anything about himself at the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to convert him, you do need to understand the &quot;heel digging&quot; aspect of this: giving people facts that prove their beliefs are wrong just leads to rejecting the facts and holding the beliefs more strongly. &quot;That's what the MSM wants you to believe&quot; and so on. So instead you need to meet him where he is. What is he afraid of? What does he long for? What are the carrot and the stick in his life that lead to the gleeful sharing of these memes? What jolt of dopamine does he get from them that overrides their truth or falseness? Over time, when you see where he's coming from, you may uncover things you have in common such as worrying about the future, or wanting there to be good-paying jobs where you live. From that common ground you can slowly move forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the years, maybe you will move right, or he will move left. Maybe he'll be as rabidly right-wing as ever but not so much on the conspiracy-theory posting-memes end of things, just on the &quot;personal rights and freedom,&quot; &quot;don't make me subsidize other people&quot; tack. You may be able to have conversations where you point out some aspects of his favoured policies force you to subsidize corporations and very rich people (eg paying taxes to have roads and airports built while the 1% pay less dollars in tax than you and drive and fly more.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you may just decide that discussing politics isn't worth it. You don't discuss cookie recipes with everyone you know, or the National Hockey League, or quilting. I would start by finding something you like to talk with him about, and ignore (with technological help if need be) the things you don't like to discuss, at least at first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-12-16T21:29:43.267" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8214" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-16T23:17:34.637" Score="2" ViewCount="794" Body="&lt;p&gt;During class, many of my friends tease me about certain things. I am taking higher class, so I get teased about being young when I am with older students. I get teased about being nerdy/white. I pretend that these don't get to me but they do. I have even made fun of myself in these areas to go along with what they are saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were to blatantly tell them that what they are doing is hurtful I would seem like a hypocrite, because we all banter and make fun of each other. It also would put tension on our relationships. I wouldn't want them to feel on edge around me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want a way to subtly let them know I'm not ok with it without making them feel guilty. How can I tell my classmates I'm not ok with their teasing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10412" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:38:37.593" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:38:37.593" Title="How can I tell my classmates I'm not ok with their teasing?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;teasing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-18T10:03:08.803" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8215" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8123" CreationDate="2017-12-17T00:23:11.680" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You didn't do her bidding, and now she's finding personal faults in you because you were unhelpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who are self-entitled think that tasks others do for them are easy.&#xA;I have no idea how to counsel someone, but I would believe that this &quot;Alice&quot; would have found the same task easy for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only real reason she's upset is because she didn't handle the problem appropriately, and she asked you to rescue her.  She's deciding that you chose to not rescue her, and is now upset with you because of her (Mother, brother, father, supervisor, etc.)  You don't have enough life to spend it with a friend who sees you as a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that you are happier interacting with women in a way that is traditionally not supported, then work on that.  Set up clear boundaries, voice those boundaries, and present yourself in a manner that tries to avoid misinterpretation of your efforts.  But such an effort is your decision, not Alice's; and you are master of your own actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would avoid getting to know Alice better because you already started off badly.  In my opinion, she's leveraged her beauty and attraction to get others to work for her.  If you &quot;help her out&quot; you won't be unique, and you won't get a fair chance to develop a female friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are commendable in considering situations where women might suffer due to lack of a more open and supportive network of women and men; but, this person is probably not the right person to work with in this effort.  She's become accustomed to using the system you are trying to avoid.  She's asked you to do things that would put you in jail outside of India, and now it is your fault you didn't do it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10404" LastActivityDate="2017-12-17T00:23:11.680" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8197" CreationDate="2017-12-17T01:19:49.723" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wish somebody had told me that I looked rumpled before taking our last group photo.  A quick word and 3 seconds of adjustment and I would have been much happier with the result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's best if you can say something to just him.  But if not, and unless you have some reason to believe he'll be super-sensitive, a quick &quot;Bob, your shirt looks a little bunched up -- want to adjust that before I take the picture?&quot; is better than surprising him with that picture on the Internet later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're worried about the suggestion maybe being impolite, but posting a picture that makes someone look bad when it could have been fixed can also be seen as impolite.  Try to weigh the brief temporary awkwardness against the bigger public awkwardness.  It's like telling someone his fly is open -- sure it's uncomfortable, but most people would prefer not to walk around like that, if only they knew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're still concerned, you can also have a private word with him later to say something like &quot;hey, sorry if that was awkward, but I figured you might want to know before it got posted&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-17T01:19:49.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8188" CreationDate="2017-12-17T01:31:59.847" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I shared a house once with a couple (committed relationship, not yet married).  We were all good friends already and their relationship wasn't new or recently changed, so that mostly worked.  Even so, it was sometimes awkward, regarding both intimacy and money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And your situation is more complicated than that.  Getting married and moving are, I've often been told, two of the three most disruptive personal changes not involving death.  (The third is changing jobs.)  You're about to do two of them at the same time.  You'll be putting considerable effort into working out the routine &quot;couple in a new house&quot; stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So tell him that.  It's about you, and avoiding awkwardness.  Something like &quot;If we were all single that'd be different, but we're getting married soon and we have a lot to learn about being a couple and establishing a household.  I'm worried that adding a third person -- any third person -- to the mix will be stressful for us &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; you.  Your school has something like a mailing list where you can connect with other people looking for housing, right?&quot;  (Check into what the school has and substitute &quot;Facebook group&quot; or &quot;roommate-matching service&quot; or whatever as appropriate.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By taking this approach you both explain why it's about you not him and guide him toward another solution.  He can't be the only person with this need, after all.  You can help him solve his housing problem without providing the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-17T01:31:59.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7633" CreationDate="2017-12-17T07:16:07.260" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a few days after the graduation, and this is how I dealt with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I did give the speech&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I simply had to. There was nobody else that was going to give the speech and I don't want to put my teachers in a bad position. The teacher's bosses were there. (The chairman of the school, who we never met before and don't know about.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I added some lines before the speech.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mentioned &quot;&lt;em&gt;the following speech might not accurately represent my views&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I apologized to my classmates that night.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right after the event I was busy, but right after that I spoke to my classmates in our Facebook group chat. I told them that wasn't my speech and I was very sorry about it. I told them to tell their parents if they bothered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am very sad about the outcome. My friends once jokingly said that I at least have one out of the 12 core values of my school - justice, but I don't live up to that. I did what I have to but I am very guilty of the outcome. The worst thing is, I have no idea what I should do if a similar situation occurs again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9882" LastActivityDate="2017-12-17T07:16:07.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8212" CreationDate="2017-12-17T18:20:59.060" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can relate to your situation a lot more than I'd like to. I never came out to my Dad, but when he was still alive we would go years without speaking to each other largely due to differences in world view and politics. We just couldn't speak to each other without one of us offending the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never came out to my dad because he made his views on that subject clear, at great length, over and over again throughout my growing up years. Queer people were at best a punchline for him, just like everyone else who wasn't straight, white, and male... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to our inability to look past our politics and social issues we were never able to get to know about the people underneath those things. He never got to see me being the hard working husband and father that he always wanted me to be. I never got to see him as the man who literally walked into burning buildings to save lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It wasn't until he died and I was sorting through his stuff that I really got to see him as a whole person, rather than as the hateful, deeply flawed, bigot that I always fought with. Don't get me wrong, he was hateful and he was deeply flawed, but he was more than that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess I would suggest that you look beyond his politics and social issues to the person he is underneath those hateful and deeply flawed beliefs. Try not to focus on the flaws and get to know the whole person, there's a good chance that you'll find some redeeming qualities buried in there. Rather than arguing about politics take the time to get to know him while you're both still alive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know how hard it is to look past the flaws... I couldn't do it till he died, but looking back I wish I had.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may make it a little easier to sidestep the social media noise. Talk to each other on the phone, or through direct one on one messaging. He may say some horrible things on social media, but you might find that when you're just talking to each other, those things aren't primary topics of conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then again... I had a hard time avoiding hot button issues with my dad because those were the things we were both passionate about. In a way I guess that was my inheritance. The one thing we really had in common was our level of passion for the causes that mattered to us, we just landed on opposing sides of the issues. I still wish we could have found a way around that stuff and talked about work, life, and family instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-17T18:20:59.060" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8224" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8229" CreationDate="2017-12-17T21:50:08.830" Score="1" ViewCount="1056" Body="&lt;p&gt;Around 2 weeks ago, I began talking regularly to somebody at school (let's call her Judith) who I only knew on a &quot;face-level&quot;. She is a friend of one of my friends , who I'll call Emily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I have a quite regular contact with Judith and Emily (around 5 times a week), I don't really learn much about Judith, because, the two of us being shy, we need time in each conversation before really opening up. I feel that's too bad, as, for what I know,  Judith seems to be quite an interesting person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually meet Judith on 2 occasions :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;At lunch, with Emily (20 mins). Emily often leads the talk as she's much more outgoing than we are.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;During study hours (55 mins). Between the inevitable blanks, that are justifiable because of &lt;em&gt;study&lt;/em&gt;, we are able to open during the last 15 or so minutes, where we can glean information about each other.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have only 1 study hour per week in common, so we don't exchange as much information about each other as I would like ( I believe it stands for her as well, but I can only guess ).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, I thought of these solutions :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use Emily's phone number to ask about Judith, and get enough information to engage conversation during a study's hour. &lt;strong&gt;Why I don't like this&lt;/strong&gt; : I feel that I would be doing something behind her back. Furthermore, Judith obviously must study, and I wouldn't want to distract her &lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt; much.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask Judith to meet me outside of school. &lt;strong&gt;Why I don't like this&lt;/strong&gt; : I think this would bring her too much out of her comfort zone to meet someone she only lightly knows outside of school.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The options I listed here may contain the &quot;good&quot; one&lt;/strong&gt;, having never dealt with this kind of situation, I have no idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A few context elements&lt;/strong&gt; :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are both 15 and going to the same school.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We don't live in the same city, even though distance is hardly a problem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This whole question is set in France.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could I invite Judith to have a long talk with me so we could discover each other ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10411" LastEditorUserId="10411" LastEditDate="2017-12-17T23:42:21.260" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T00:08:41.753" Title="How to Invite shy acquaintance to a talk without her friend?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8226" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8214" CreationDate="2017-12-17T23:22:53.140" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like it's not intended to antagonise but to be friendly, and the people teasing just don't realise that the level of teasing is starting to annoy their friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I have interpreted this correctly then the common advice people give for how to respond to bullying doesn't necessarily have to apply, because the people doing the teasing are your friends.  As your friends they should be able to deal with a little bit of honesty from you now and again and are likely to be respectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ways you could respond include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Just don't laugh at as much and don't join in with it.  Change topic of conversation.  If they get the sense their jokes aren't appreciated anymore they may lose interest in them.  You don't have to &lt;em&gt;disapprove&lt;/em&gt;, just brush them aside a little quicker as if the jokes are getting a bit old.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If there's a day where there is quite a lot of joking around, maybe just quickly mention &quot;guys, that's a bit much&quot; or ask them to &quot;cut it out&quot;.  It's being direct but you're not being mean-spirited about it and you're not implying that you hold any grudge.  Sure they won't expect it but should respect it if they're friends.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On  the other hand if they continue doing it once you've shown that you are starting to not like it anymore, that's when it transitions from being a friendly tease toward bullying, which &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; happen even within friendship groups.  If you find yourself in this situation &lt;em&gt;you haven't done anything wrong by speaking up&lt;/em&gt;, it's their fault if they continue teasing you after you've suggested they cut it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastActivityDate="2017-12-17T23:22:53.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8227" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8228" CreationDate="2017-12-17T23:27:47.817" Score="-4" ViewCount="7711" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been speaking to this girl at my university for a little over 2 months now. It's very easy to see that she's shy and introverted, but she is a really sweet and interesting person.&#xA;Over the course of these two months, I've caught myself overthinking, not just about how she responds through text, but about how she may be hiding her true feelings and thoughts and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want to ask is, how do I stop overthinking and worrying? More specifically, how do I stop overthinking and worrying about what she may/may not be thinking or feeling towards me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that, like I said before, she isn't great at conversing. She's pretty quiet and I have to initiate a conversation most of the time in person, and always through text, to get her talking. And even then it isn't always a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While she does speak more often in person, I still find it hard to not worry about everything. I think this can be traced back to when a girl back in high school played with me for 3 years and now overthinking is like a deep-rooted issue that I have to deal with. But it's gotten to a point where I just want it to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I enjoy every minute I spend with her, even if we don't say a word. I don't find the silences awkward, and she said she no longer does either. We also have been getting pretty physical over the last 3 or 4 weeks, sometimes ending up in a play-fight or cuddling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But yeah. Even as I'm typing this, for the past 2 hours I've been trying to keep myself occupied with different things to prevent myself from falling into a depression just because I kept thinking that she doesn't find me as a romantic interest and doesn't plan on making it easy to understand until it's too late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;edit: I'm not going to seek therapy as 1) I don't even have any money to be doing  that, and 2) the issue isn't that severe.&#xA;I'm just asking because I also have a few friends who overthink about different things and am hoping to  get an insight into how people cope with it or manage to get rid of it entirely. Hopefully others can be helped&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10430" LastEditorUserId="10430" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T18:14:33.917" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T18:14:33.917" Title="How Do You Stop Overthinking About A Romantic Interest?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-12-18T08:39:07.543" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8227" CreationDate="2017-12-17T23:58:34.450" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Overthinking is usually caused by two factors: insecurity and improper focus.  It sounds like both are going on here.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's deal with the focus question first, because that's harder.  There gets to be a vicious cycle going on - &quot;person X is doing Y when I want them to do Z&quot;.  And then, rather than enjoying Y, you focus on Z.  The best way to break this is twofold: start focusing on what's going right, and learn to identify the triggers that cause you to start focusing on what you want to change.  Once you identify these triggers, you can start focusing on reacting to them differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your insecurity with her will either increase or decrease.  If it increases over time, that may be a sign that this isn't the right relationship.  Generally, though, as you grow more comfortable around each other, the insecurity will decrease until you wonder why it was even a thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-17T23:58:34.450" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8224" CreationDate="2017-12-18T00:08:41.753" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ask Judith to meet me outside of school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is a perfectly good idea! But maybe it would be easier if you were to invite Judith &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Emily first. This way, you can spend time with Judith and maybe in this new environment you'll be able to converse more. Once you and Judith hang out outside of school with Emily, then maybe the next time you can invite her to do something where Emily isn't there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another suggestion is to befriend her outside of school through social media. Do you both have cell phones? Can you ask her for her Wattsapp and chat with her through there? You can ask for her snapchat or instagram or whatever social media app French 15 year olds enjoy these days. It's a good way to find out about her interests outside of school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10353" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T00:08:41.753" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8230" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8227" CreationDate="2017-12-18T03:44:33.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The overthinking is fairly common, and often goes away as you get more life experience.  If it's affecting your ability to enjoy your life you can consider therapy; I can attest to that being a rewarding experience even though it doesn't magically make everything easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When all is going well in a relationship, this kind of angst doesn't happen.  You both make it pretty clear you like spending time together and want to keep doing it.  So feeling the way you do doesn't indicate all is going well, but alone does not indicate what the problem is.  It could be that she is not very interested in you, so the anxiety comes from the fact you wish she would be.  Or it could be that you are frustrated at your own inability to progress things, possibly out of fear of the former.  You could try a dose of exposing yourself to that which you fear.  The worst that can happen is that she isn't interested, but that is still arguably better than the doubt and insecurity you may be continue to have otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T03:44:33.907" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8231" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8212" CreationDate="2017-12-18T03:58:38.473" Score="1" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do you have to respond to him at all?  Consider just letting him put his lies and misinformation on Facebook and ignore it.  He's been doing it since before you reconnected with him and you won't change it.  Maybe even unfollow him (there are ways in Facebook to exclude someone from your feed without them see you unfriend them).  Your new stepmom will still see your posts and assuming she has her own account and isn't just posting from his, you'll still see her posts, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that harmony between you won't be achieved if you (either of you) persist in trying to change the other's mind, it's going to be much more effective just to accept/ignore and leave that topic unspoken as much as you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;To me Facebook is for interacting with a wider group of friends rather than just your close family.  There may be other arenas you could use for that like a Whatsapp group, a Viber group, maybe even a Facebook group that you guys can communicate on.  Then that can be separate from your main Facebook feeds which are for your wider group of friends, but more importantly, when he wants to spout off his political views he will probably keep those on Facebook, so that will be separate to any family-based conversation he has with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T03:58:38.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8232" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8237" CreationDate="2017-12-18T03:59:58.833" Score="1" ViewCount="294" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a co-working space, and one of the other workers talks a lot, which is distracting and aggravating.  What is the usual way to solve this problem?  Should I directly ask him to use a meeting room, or should I go to the community manager and ask that person to do something about it?  Is there some other way to get him to be quiet in the co-working space?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This question is being asked on Interpersonal Skills, so &quot;use headphones&quot; isn't an answer.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5148" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T04:29:53.977" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T04:51:51.467" Title="How do I reduce noise in a co-working space?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-11-21T20:59:51.197" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-12-18T04:15:47.540" Score="2" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Avoid that type of thing in the future. It's probably obvious but now that you know it made people uncomfortable the most important course of action is to learn from this and rectify that aspect of yourself.  This is more important than any apology might be; continuing to make people uncomfortable is the worst case.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could consider making a generalised apology in front of a group of people that you were really sorry that something you were speaking of was a bit creepy or inappropriate.  &lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt; bring up the topic again, even if tempted!  If they don't know what you mean then tell them it was something you were talking about ___ night.  &lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt; mention that you were told of any complaint.  You don't have to, and their complaint may have been made in confidence.  &lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt; defend yourself, with statements such as &quot;it was only meant as a joke&quot; or &quot;I was only joining in with others&quot;, &quot;I didn't mean to offend&quot;, etc.  If you can't trust yourself not to break any of those &quot;don't&quot;s maybe don't worry about an apology.  There are certain ways of apologising that can make things worse, and people - even celebrities - regularly bumble into that very situation.  The safe option is definitely to forego an apology and just pay attention to option 1).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastEditorUserId="8884" LastEditDate="2017-12-19T22:32:18.940" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T22:32:18.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8235" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8214" CreationDate="2017-12-18T04:24:16.497" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From an outsiders perspective, this sounds like the perfect time to show them what you're made of. They are probably collectively insecure that someone younger than them has already accomplished more than they have at that age, that's all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you all banter together, I don't think it would be out of place to shut down those jokes by playfully poking that nerve on purpose! You could get away with retorting that you bet they didn't get ahead faster in school because they are lazy and repetitive (jokes about ethnicity and age are so obvious... ). Then you're someone to be reckoned with, because then they realize you're okay with using bigger guns. You also then stand your ground as someone who values being NOT lazy and NOT repetitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time they use those same jokes, you can just use it as ammo, as proof that they're repeating themselves again and ultimately being a joke themselves (my sadistic streak is really coming out wow). Then bam, they respect the crap out of you for being totally awesome and slay their butts at banter. In theory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However this is definitely more provocative and offensive, and not what you asked for in your post. But it IS your trump card you can use at any time to shut down anyone, so just remember you have the perfect flexible defence for any bully type situation. So feel confident. Just don't become a bully yourself with it! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternately to approach this with more subtlety, I agree with the user who suggested body language and protests. You can also be dismissive and melt any joke by not being offended and saying that you are totally cool with those things about yourself, which to be honest are quite normal and unproblematic features of a person... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;If you have a problem with white, younger people, then North America is not for you&quot; comes to mind! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10185" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T04:24:16.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8236" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8238" CreationDate="2017-12-18T04:44:52.217" Score="17" ViewCount="11550" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a trans woman. I began attending college this fall, and, like a lot of students, I immediately began sleeping around. All of the relationships I had were pretty short term, and were mutually understood to be such. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About a month ago, I began hanging out with a girl (who is also a trans woman) who is a pillar in some of the communities I've started to join. We had spent some time together before she eventually asked me to her home, where we had sex. I didn't really want to hook up with her to begin with, but I felt sort of obligated to do so. I assumed it would be similar to my previous encounters, but I don't think she had the same idea. However, she has never attempted to solidify a relationship between us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We haven't had sex since the first encounter, but we keep bumping into each other at the groups we're each a part of. Every time I see her, she makes plans for us to hang out and get lunch, go shopping, or something of the sort. I don't want to say no because I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I enjoy our friendship. However, during these get-togethers, she is always trying to be romantic with me (she has pressured me to kiss her in public and has also 'jokingly' caressed my breasts). I don't feel comfortable with this, and want to ask her to stop, but I don't want to hurt her feelings (I think she feels like  I enjoy her advances). I also want to break it off without damaging my relationship with the groups I'm now a part of (Transgender Support Group &amp;amp; DIY Music Scene). These groups are really important to me, and I don't know what I'd do without them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do y'all think I should proceed? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10434" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T11:23:30.037" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T11:23:30.037" Title="How to tell someone I'm uninterested in them romantically?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;college&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-06-20T07:29:39.787" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8232" CreationDate="2017-12-18T04:51:51.467" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had a similar problem -- not co-working like one big open room, but our group rents individual office rooms from one of those places that provides rooms, furniture, and administrative support, and the build-out of the space was obviously done by the lowest bidder.  The walls are thin, the speaker-phones are loud, and noise carries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's one particular guy near us who tends to have loud phone conversations.  The speaker is turned all the way up, he shouts into the phone, and &lt;em&gt;he leaves his door open&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Early in our time in the space, when one of his meetings was preventing me from being able to get work done several rooms away, I walked over to his office, made eye contact without saying anything (didn't want to interrupt), and closed his door.  I naively assumed that this would be sufficient, but it wasn't.  A few days later the same thing happened and I again closed his door.  A few days after &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;, our local lead told me that the landlord had received a complaint from him about me, so we decided that trying to engage with him directly any more would not work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So we've relied on the landlord's office manager/administrator since then.  When he is being disruptively loud, one of us talks with the office manager, who quiets the noise.  She's reportedly had several conversations with him about this behavior, and the frequency has been going down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem, I think, with my directly approaching him is that we, like you and your noisy neighbor, have no relationship, no shared employer, and no accountability to each other.  Your loud guy (and mine) are probably operating on the assumption that they're paying for a working space, working involves phone calls and meetings, and that's normal and justified.  The office manager's job in a place like this or co-working includes dealing with issues between or among tenants.  So I recommend going to that person, not the noisy neighbor directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you bring it up with the space manager is likely to have an effect on your results.  Don't storm up to the person and say &quot;that jerk is yapping on his phone and I can't work; do something about him&quot;.  Instead, calmly say something like: &quot;I'm having trouble focusing on my work because of noise from one particular source.  I know co-working spaces are noisy, but this person's meetings are more than the norm I'm used to.  Could we find a solution to this problem?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a solution in mind (send the guy to a meeting room), but I've found that it works better to talk about the problem* rather than a proposed solution.  Give the manager a chance to understand the issue before you jump to your preferred answer.  Further, if the manager proposes the obvious solution (which you'll of course agree to), then the manager feels in control and you have grounds to say &quot;can you talk with him about that?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want a good, cooperative relationship with the person who controls your space.  I have a good relationship with mine, and I think taking this approach to problems in the space has a lot to do with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T04:51:51.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8236" CreationDate="2017-12-18T05:55:56.940" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, you're never obligated to have sex with anyone ever. That's worth repeating so, &lt;strong&gt;you're never obligated to have sex with anyone ever. Not. Ever.&lt;/strong&gt; If you don't really really want to, you don't have to, no matter what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often the best approach is the honest and direct one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to them. Tell them how you're really feeling. Tell them about not wanting to pursue a romantic relationship, as well as your fear of being ostracized by the groups that are important to you and that you weren't comfortable with some of the public displays of &lt;em&gt;&quot;affection&quot;&lt;/em&gt; (publicly groping people who don't want you to isn't a great thing to do, whether it's a joke or not.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the direct/honest approach is best because you're giving the other person a real chance to do the right thing. You'd be surprised how often that actually works. Many people would prefer to do the right thing when given the opportunity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to keep in mind that they don't know how you feel because you haven't told them. They likely think that you're interested in them, and they're likely to be somewhat hurt by the news that you aren't, so be direct and honest, but gentle. You can be honest and still be kind. If you've ever been attracted to someone who didn't feel the same way, try to draw from that experience and be aware that that's how they're likely to be feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're both young and still learning. Sometimes learning is painful. People make mistakes when they're learning, it kinda sounds like you both made some mistakes here. Looking at this as a learning experience, may soften the blow for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T06:06:40.983" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T06:06:40.983" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-18T07:06:46.260" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Primarily, I'd suggest that you work on having fun with your mother a bit more often.  Whatever interests you and your mother have in common, explore those things a bit more often; and also try some new things.  Get out of the house together a little bit more often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've made some progress with this, you can start to put the focus on &lt;em&gt;rewarding&lt;/em&gt; her when she makes &lt;em&gt;positive&lt;/em&gt; remarks.  You can also non-dramatically withdraw when she starts giving you a hard time.  You can occasionally tell her how you feel about her niggling, e.g. &quot;I feel uncomfortable with these comments.  I get the impression you're questioning my social choices.  Whether my choices are good for me or not, I'm not likely to change them when I'm feeling criticized about them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also do your introversion thing outside the house a couple times a week, at, for example, a library -- but without providing specific information about where you're going or who you're seeing.  (It doesn't have to be a library -- it could be a quiet hotel lobby with comfortable armchairs, or an airport with wifi -- someplace where you can work on whatever you like, with a laptop.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(At your age, you need not share details of your social life with your mother....  It's optional!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These ideas come from workshops I've participated in about &quot;I&quot; messages, as well as reading and personal experience.  Here are some resources:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.verywell.com/what-is-positive-reinforcement-2795412&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.verywell.com/what-is-positive-reinforcement-2795412&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(By the way, I believe it's possible and even common for a person to be somewhat introverted, without having Asperger's Syndrome; and my answer doesn't assume that you have Asperger's or that you don't.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T07:06:46.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8241" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8095" CreationDate="2017-12-18T07:34:52.077" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was made aware by comments (and ultimately the deletion of my answer) to shape my post, which I want to do in order to add an aspect to the canon of answers that I think deserves attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(...) but as I said before, I am happy where I am now. And I tell her that every time she asks, but she doesn't believe me. I talked to her a lot about that subject and she can't or won't accept what I try to tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think no matter what I say, she always draws comparisons to sons of her friends at my age or her youth and I'm starting to get tired of having this conversation over and over again. I don't want her to keep worrying about me, when there's no reason to. How can I convince her that I am happy how I am?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that this is a very dear goal, but I am afraid it is impossible to be accomplished in this way. I'll outline reasons, shed light on the possible source of your mother's worries and complaints and suggest two steps to optimise the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seen from a neurobiological viewpoint, in communication a &amp;quot;sender&amp;quot; is able to control the output (= message, verbal and non-verbal behaviours), but the meaning of this message is generated within the &amp;quot;receiver&amp;quot;, the &amp;quot;sender&amp;quot; has no direct control over this generative process of the &amp;quot;receiver&amp;quot;. This is due to the self-organising abilities of our mind-body-system.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So her attempts to change your behaviour are invitations - and those can be accepted or denied, and you deny them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same is true for your goal to change her behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my original answer, I tried to shed some light on her possible underlying motivations that may bring forth her actions such as worrying, sharing her worries with you, comparing you to other people and deriving a difference between them and you in order to motivate you to decrease this difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I basically wrote that parents tend to have expectations for their children that are not always conscious to the parent himself. Perceived differences between expectation and behaviour of the child may lead to worrying and the urge to reduce this difference by trying to change the child's behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such expectations can vary widely, often they include...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a decent education&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a decent job to be able to make a living&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;finding a partner&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;have children&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;include the parents (then grandparents) in the activities of caring for and rearing the offspring.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;being taken care of by the child when the parent is sick/old/in need of care.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As these are the parent's expectations, the parent is responsible for adapting these in case they cause unwanted side-effects like constant worrying, discontent or even frustration, depression, aggression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is to explain your viewpoint calmly, which probably won't change her expectations much, so don't judge your success by the measure of her stopping to complain. You may even daringly ask for her motives and express sympathy for &lt;em&gt;her feeling this way&lt;/em&gt; and stay with your way of living.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, you could move to an own place. Thus you would increase privacy and your mother won't be able to interfere with your lifestyle at the extent as she does now. Moreover, you would experience the situation of taking more care of yourself, which will probably teach you valuable skills that you didn't need to that extent until now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T21:11:48.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-12-18T12:20:29.753" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I completely agree with anongoodnurse's answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd feel really bad about what I said, if that lead even to a formal complaint to the landlord. However, since the tenant(s) does not wish to talk about this subject to you personally for whatever reason, you could send your apologies to her/them through the landlord. If you want to go further, you can attach a &lt;strong&gt;small note&lt;/strong&gt;, simply stating that you're really sorry if you offended her with your words, and possibly a &lt;strong&gt;small gift&lt;/strong&gt; - nothing incredibly pricy, just something to show her that you took some time to think about what you did and you want to remedy it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T12:20:29.753" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8243" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-18T14:54:21.447" Score="21" ViewCount="9402" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is my first holiday season at my current company. I recently noticed that one of my team members, 'Alice', wasn't coming to any of the work sponsored events.  When I asked a coworker, they informed me that Alice held certain religious beliefs which prevented her from celebrating any holidays (birthday included).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By all means, this is fine with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;However&lt;/em&gt;, because Alice wasn't the one to tell me this, &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; have felt somewhat rude not acknowledging her lack of presence at events that everyone else has been at.  Since Alice doesn't know that I know this information about her, I'm afraid of coming off as uncaring of her presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I'm concerned that by blatantly asking her why she hasn't been in attendance at these events, I risk coming off as presumptuous and dismissive of her right to believe in something different than the majority of folks at our company. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, &lt;strong&gt;what is the best way I can set the stage for Alice to choose whether or not to share this information with me herself?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to clarify, I mostly feel rude because I am acting on information about Alice's personal life that Alice did not share with me herself. I'd like to 'set the stage' for her to choose to share this information with me herself (or not), and I'm comfortable with whatever she would choose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T15:35:07.150" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T16:13:37.127" Title="Best way to give coworker chance to share personal (religious) information with me that I already heard from someone else?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8243" CreationDate="2017-12-18T15:17:50.970" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could show doubts/concern about her possible other problems; something among the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[When you first meet her after the event] Hey Alice, everything alright? I didn't see you at the event, thought your cold got worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, the &quot;cold&quot; component here is just a (silly) example of excuse you can use to initiate the conversation while attempting to assume the role of the &quot;totally clueless person who didn't even know about her belief&quot;: you are putting her in the situation of unconditioned freedom of choice to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;either tell you the truth&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;or invent an excuse/provide a different reason&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she tells you the truth (which you already know), there you go; if she invents an excuse or provides a different reason, you're receiving the hint that she'd rather not talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;BUT, THAT BEING SAID,&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;imho you &lt;strong&gt;should not raise the question&lt;/strong&gt; at all. I personally see &quot;setting Alice up to share this information with you&quot; as an attempt at snooping in her private business: after all, she has right not to come to events for whatever reason, she does not need to ask permission or anyway let others know why.&#xA;So, I'd suggest, do not ask anything in any way.&#xA;Should she ever want to share something with you, she will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T15:23:04.400" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T15:23:04.400" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8243" CreationDate="2017-12-18T15:53:32.763" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would just chat with her, letting her know you missed her, but without directly asking why she wasn't there. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Alice, I missed you at the holiday party! Did you get to see Bob's winning ugly Christmas sweater? It was hilarious!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets her know you notice her in a positive way, and gives her an opening to explain if she chooses. However, since the premise of the conversation is just to catch her up on office fun, she can just as easily choose to move the conversation in that direction. If she does this, then you know not to mention it in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use any bit of news; it doesn't have to be about the party. Keep it casual in tone, and mention her absence only in passing: you want to come across as &quot;I thought you'd appreciate hearing about this thing and didn't get the chance to share it with you yet&quot;, not &quot;I was disappointed to see you weren't there..&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid using phrases like &quot;You really missed out!&quot;, as that could make it seem like you're trying to pressure her into attending. I also wouldn't ask directly why she wasn't there, because this backs her into a corner of either lying or telling something that may be private. You &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; ask if she's planning to attend an upcoming event, under the guise of innocence, but I'd be very careful for the same reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also possible that the coworker you asked told Alice, so she knows you know! As other answers have mentioned, if Alice has been at the company for a while, it's possible her religious constraints are common knowledge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned your reasoning for asking after her in a comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I only feel rude because if I didn't attend a whole string of events and no one asked me where I had been, I'd feel like no one knew I was even gone. I've just always assumed it's polite to acknowledge someone's absence to let them know you think of them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to ask why she wasn't there to show that you appreciate her presence and think of her - simply letting her know that you missed her is enough to convey this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, since you're unsure of how public she is with her religious beliefs, act as if Alice herself told you in confidence. Not drawing attention to her differences can be the nicest thing you can do if she wants to keep it low-key.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T16:11:35.617" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T16:11:35.617" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8243" CreationDate="2017-12-18T15:54:19.767" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suspect that anyone who does not attend celebrations because of religious reasons has probably &amp;quot;heard it all&amp;quot; by now, just think of all the relative's birthdays she's missed, they probably had some things about it. So the best approach is probably something very casual like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;YOU: Hey Alice how was your weekend? Me, I went fishing, caught me a pretty big carp. Oh by the way, did you go to (or are you going to) that company thing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ALICE: Nah&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;YOU: How come, don't feel like it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then Alice can reply with whatever feel comfortable, the key here is to not push and not make it into a big deal, because you don't know if it's something she wants to elaborate on, or if she already had many fights with her relatives about and is really not in the mood to start again with a casual coworker&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T15:54:19.767" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8247" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8253" CreationDate="2017-12-18T16:07:22.170" Score="16" ViewCount="16741" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to complete my freshman year of college this spring and I have run into a small problem. My roommate (let's call him &quot;Jim&quot;) seems to not like the college and in all probability is going to leave at the end of the year. Even if Jim doesn't leave the college, he has given me ample signals that he will change rooms and live with another of our friends (who is, by the way, a very old friend of Jim). I don't have a problem with that and respect his decision very much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, that has landed me in a sticky situation. All this means that I will not have a roommate at the end of the year. I obviously need one. I don't have a particular preference as to who my roommate should be but if I can convince one of my friends to be one, it would be great. My question is, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;How do I ask someone to be my roommate without sounding very dominating?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To not make this too broad, I have already talked with Jim's friend's roommate and I am not sure I prefer him being my roommate for a year. So, I am looking for someone else. The costs and other things are not an issue since we live in halls of residence and all things are paid for before the beginning of the year. My main issue is that if I approach someone (say &quot;Bob&quot;) to be my roommate, &lt;strong&gt;how do I talk to him about it?&lt;/strong&gt; I am a bit afraid that Bob's current roommate might take offence to that and we could get our relations strained and I don't want that happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10072" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-09-30T08:44:42.610" LastActivityDate="2019-09-30T08:44:42.610" Title="How do I ask someone to be my roommate?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8248" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-18T16:09:06.310" Score="3" ViewCount="568" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Background:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; I'm a twenty something male who takes guitar and foreign language from two private instructors. Both are master's level university students giving lessons as a source of side income.  Both are around my age, one male and one female.  I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with either of them.  I've known both for about 3 months now meeting once a week for an hour lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think they are pretty interesting people and we tend to get along well.  We also have a number of common interests (entrepreneurship software, arts, etc) and I think we would probably be friends if we met in another context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Problem:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; Having the relationship of client to service provider gets in the way of interacting as individuals.  Usually we'll only be able to have snatches of conversations before and after lessons, before they feel obligated to continue the lesson and give me my money's worth.  I don't want to put them on the spot by asking them to hang out as they might feel pressured to do so to keep my business.  Both of them seem to be tight on cash and have few other clients.  I want to be especially careful with the female instructor since lessons take place just the two of us in her apartment. If she were to mistake a friendly invitation to meet-up as a date request, it stands a chance to permanently poison the relationship going forward.  Does anyone have any tips about how to build a friendly relationship with either of these two people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5808" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T00:54:58.660" Title="How to Build a Friendship with a Private Instructor" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8248" CreationDate="2017-12-18T16:21:40.737" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to put them on the spot by asking them to hang out&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;True in terms of &quot;day-to-day hangout&quot; (something you'd do with your close friends instead), but you could start up with a &quot;particular one-shot hangout&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say, your birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm having my birthday party this Friday night, and you're invited; it will be an easy pizza-and-bowling-match night, if you feel like coming [smile].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is useful because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you're scheduling just a single, specific and particular event, so they have no reason to fear &quot;deep or continuous involvement&quot; if they don't feel like;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you're telling them about that event with some notice, so they have time to see whether they can squeeze you in their agenda;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;they will not feel - and hence they will not have reasons to fear being -&#xA;&quot;specifically targeted&quot;, as normally you'd invite a number of other people (friends and/or relatives) at a birthday party&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you're keeping spending low: the &quot;easy-pizza-and-bowling-night&quot; shouldn't be too heavy on their pockets (and anyway it's just an example of cheap parties); also, if money is not an issue for you, you may want to offer paying for everybody.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that single event, if they had a good time, they might initiate hanging out with you on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is &lt;strong&gt;exactly&lt;/strong&gt; what I did with a guy and a girl I met via other mutual friends: the former became one more good friend, and the latter became my girlfriend, so apparently it worked. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T16:34:37.710" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T16:34:37.710" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8250" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-18T16:22:44.127" Score="8" ViewCount="700" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have severe panic disorder that often manifests in my shutting down and having a pseudo-seizure which makes me appear catatonic.  Even when I come out of it, I am mute (selective mutism).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I take medicine to reduce the severity and am seeing all the right doctors.  I am taking care of myself and am getting excellent medical care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Occasionally, I will have one of these episodes and people, understandably, are upset by it.  My SO wants to be helpful but doesn't know what to do to help me when these happen (fortunately it's rare, but they still do happen).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I communicate that these episodes are just stress, that I do come out of them and that medical assistance isn't needed?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is hard for me, as the mutism often strikes during these times and I cannot speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any suggestions on how I can communicate prior and/or during an episode?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOTE: I cannot always realize when these attacks are coming on. I even took my medicine before the last one, but it didn't take in time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edited to add:  When I can move again, I can write, but the mutism persists for a while.  I am cognizant and fully aware of what is going on, I just cannot move.  First, I tend to regain movement in my thumb, then my hand, then it spreads.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T18:46:29.003" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T08:40:55.043" Title="How to communicate a non-dangerous mental illness to others?" Tags="&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8243" CreationDate="2017-12-18T16:35:52.290" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it's better not to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people have something that sets them apart from their peers being asked about it, over and over, can get a little old. This person probably has to have the &quot;I don't celebrate because...&quot; conversation with an awful lot of people this time of year, every year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said sometimes it's better to be the person that doesn't need to have that conversation with them. If you want to make them feel valued and respected, it may be better to ask them if they would like to join you for coffee or something completely unrelated to holiday cheer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Knowing a little bit about you, I'm sure you can relate to having an aspect of your personal life that people can be a little weird about and that sometimes it's nice when people don't feel the need to make a big deal about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So rather than:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I missed you at the holiday party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey how's it going? Wanna grab lunch or coffee with me later?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows them that you care about their presence, and that you like/respect them as a person, without needing to set the stage for a potentially uncomfortable conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T16:35:52.290" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8250" CreationDate="2017-12-18T16:36:24.287" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a moment when you are not having these episodes, take whoever needs to know aside and explain to them what it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, with your SO, talk to them about it when you both have free time and you aren't having this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start by mentioning that you know they want to help and aren't sure how, then explain (if you haven't already) what this condition is. Then, or if you have already, set out a list of what exactly happens (to the best of your ability) and what, if anything, they can do to make sure this &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; turn dangerous (like hitting your head on something, if that's possible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a chance that something happens and these attacks get worse at some point? If there is, explain what the signs you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; need medical assistance are if you know them. If you don't know them or aren't sure if one of these could end with you needing a trip to the ER, consider asking your doctor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure that your tone is (relatively) relaxed while discussing this, so that you show that you know these aren't as big a deal as they may seem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also consider a discussion about stress itself. Someone, especially your SO, might have a few ideas to try to help remove some stress from you, or might be able to see when you're getting very stressed and try to take steps to help if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, perhaps work out some signal you might be able to give at the start of one of these attacks, if you have just enough time to. For example, give a thumbs up or something similar to signal that you'll be fine through your episode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; make a signal like this at the very start of an episode, it may be impossible to communicate in any way during the episode. However, you can, after your discussion, just inform whomever is present and knows that an episode is about to start for the times when you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; feel them coming on. This will at least give them some warning as to what is about to happen. You can also, as you have indicated you regain movement in your thumbs/hands first, give a thumbs up at the end of the episode to indicate you'll be just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T17:14:37.110" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T17:14:37.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8253" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8247" CreationDate="2017-12-18T16:41:39.190" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are afraid that people could become upset because you asked &quot;their&quot; roommates to leave, you could phrase it more as a question for help than a question specifically for &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; person to join you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just talk to as many people as possible and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I need a roommate for the next year, as Jim is going to leave in order to.... (you can even leave out the Jim part- it is not necessarily needed).&#xA;  Do you possibly know somebody looking for a new room next year?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that person is interested, he can tell you. If not you cannot be accused of &quot;taking away&quot; somebody, as you didn't ask directly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more people are around when you ask, the bigger the chance is, that somebody knows somebody who knows somebody who... you get the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3392" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T16:59:54.630" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T16:59:54.630" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8236" CreationDate="2017-12-18T18:07:13.920" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the best things to do is to just be honest. If you aren't comfortable with being groped in public in a &quot;joking&quot; manner, then you will have to say that. Letting the other person assume that you're fine with their advances like that isn't a great thing to do as it could lead to the relationship being damaged more than actively telling them about how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While they may be hurt by you telling them, you can always continue to talk to them normally, there's nothing restricting that from happening. However, the other person could end up needing some time to recover, which you will have to accept and give them some time and space, but without completely cutting off all contact with them. Just let them know that you're still fine with hanging out (if you are)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of honesty, once you tell them, they will no longer be left to assume, like I said before. They will know how to act or think next time they are around you and will know that you aren't looking for a deeper relationship than just being friends with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It probably won't be easy because that person is a part of some societies, but allowing people to be mislead is more painful than being told the truth. I speak from personal experience when I say that I hate it when people don't tell me when they find me irritating or doing something that they don't like. I'd rather be told the honest truth, even if it will make me feel a bit sad. But I don't let that get to me, I at least know now how to act around that person&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10430" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T18:07:13.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8243" CreationDate="2017-12-18T18:35:27.080" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No excuse is required, religious or otherwise, and it should not be automatically assumed that everyone is expected to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, in my case &lt;strong&gt;it's nothing personal but I just don't want to spend time with you&lt;/strong&gt;. I want to go home instead and do something interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Long Version&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The religious aspect may indeed be the reason, but that is not really relevant to your concern. Even without religious motives, people do not need to attend special celebratory events. It is not mandatory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not go to such work sponsored events. My reason is that &lt;em&gt;I simply do not want to&lt;/em&gt;. I don't go to company picnics or holiday parties. I do not go out to the social gatherings for a drink after work. I avoid all of those things for the simple fact that I just do not want to attend them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My reasons&lt;/strong&gt; for not wanting to attend a company sponsored event are my own, and they &lt;strong&gt;are none of anybody else's business&lt;/strong&gt;. I will, however, mention some here so as to remove the veil...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As much as I may like some of the people at work, I don't go there because of them. I don't go to socialize or to have fun. I do talk to people sometimes, sometimes about fun and interesting things, but that's not why I'm there. If it weren't for the fact that I need money to pay the bills, &lt;em&gt;I would not be there at all&lt;/em&gt;. That is true for most people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am not working, I want to be home teaching my son something cool or playing Minecraft or World of Warcraft with him or whatever he is into at that time. I want to help my daughter learn to swim or skate. I want to watch a movie with my wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not drink alcoholic drinks socially, nor do I drink coffee, and I have low expectations when it comes to food, and I do not care about football, baseball, or Nascar; so the bar does not interest me, nor do restaurants, nor does 90% of what my co-workers want to talk about, so when I am not working I do not want to be wasting my time drinking a soda or eating something fancy or talking to people whose interests are boring to me. Nor do they want to hear me talk about what I'm interested in; I could talk for a half hour about the fine art of lighting a fire in the rain with flint and steel, but most peoples' response is &quot;Why didn't you just soak it in gas and drop a match on it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand asking someone who usually &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; go to such events but misses some specific ones. If I usually did go to them but skipped the Christmas party, I would understand you asking what's up. But if I just don't go to any of them, then it seems like you're trying to pressure me into going - some people actually do that, and I have been pressured into going to events that I really did not want to attend, and I have sat there bored for over an hour just waiting until I could politely leave you. &lt;em&gt;That&lt;/em&gt; is well beyond rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I do find a specific person at work who shares common interests, then sometimes I make friends with that person outside of the work setting. In general though, I do not want to attend your events, and &lt;strong&gt;it gets annoying when people keep asking why I don't go, as if I have done something wrong. I didn't go because &lt;em&gt;I didn't want to.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how does this answer your question? Like so: The best way for you to give your co-worker the opportunity is to just keep doing what you are doing; that is, let them tell you if they feel like it. If you really have no good reason to inquire and you just feel like the person should be there, then just leave it alone. If you have some other reason for concern and you do try to coax out my reasoning for not attending, please be &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; considerate when doing so as to make sure that I do not feel bullied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might help if you make your intentions known up front about why you even care, such as &quot;Hey, I noticed you don't go to the company special events and was wondering about that. I'm not trying to be pushy, but if you want to go and feel like you can't we'd like to help you work things out.&quot; Then I can answer simply &quot;Thanks for the offer, but I just don't go to those things.&quot; Or if there was some roadblock you might hear about it and be able to help, ex: &quot;I just can't make it because of my kids,&quot; then you would have the option to try and push for more kid-friendly activities if you wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3245" LastEditorUserId="3245" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T18:52:12.660" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T18:52:12.660" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8259" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8247" CreationDate="2017-12-18T18:42:45.410" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell Bob the situation with you and your current roommate Jim. Then simply ask if he is planning on staying with his roommate next year or if he would like to room with you. You don't need to hint or ask around the question, simply ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get the sense that you and Bob and his roommate are all friends, since you care so much about upsetting Bob's roommate. If you would rather, bring up the question in front of both of them. Explain that you are without a roommate next year and ask if they are planning to keep living together or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it may not feel like it, since you are only a freshman in college, but you and Jim and Bob are all adults now and, as such, are responsible for your own decisions. If Bob would rather room with you than with his current roommate, that is his own decision, you aren't 'taking him away' from his friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10445" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T18:42:45.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1419" CreationDate="2017-12-18T19:26:17.500" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I'm in this situation, especially on a longer flight where I can afford to &quot;lose&quot; some time, I do the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Respond&lt;/em&gt; with polite conversation, but don't &quot;escalate&quot;.  I'm trying to be polite by giving short answers, but I'm not going to talk about my exciting vacation plans or how great my hometown is or whatever.  Shorter replies that don't provide entries for the other person are best here.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;While we're talking, start to get my book/e-reader/tablet/pillow/whatever ready.  This signals that I have something else I'm planning to do on this flight besides talk to the person next to me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After a polite amount of time (five minutes or so works for me), start the conversational wind-down.  Example: &quot;I hope you enjoy your vacation.  I'm going to get back to my book now.&quot;  Note: &quot;get &lt;em&gt;back&lt;/em&gt; to&quot; signals that this was something you'd already started, perhaps on the previous leg of the trip, so your conversation was just taking a break, not the start of a six-hour conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the person takes the hint and wraps up, good.  If not, treat it the same way you treat ending any other friendly conversation like a phone call or a visit where everybody's already standing at the door.  Make sure you then &lt;em&gt;actually do the thing you said you were going to do&lt;/em&gt; -- read, sleep, etc.  This conveys &quot;I'm busy&quot; rather than &quot;I just don't want to talk to you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T19:26:17.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="544" CreationDate="2017-12-18T20:06:47.193" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Been there, done that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I handled it by rolling with the punches in public, and then talking one on one to the guy who had crossed the line, asking him &quot;not to go there again&quot;, because I found it seriously insulting and it made me very uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the offender is a friend and reasonably serious, this should work for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you must know who you're dealing with. Some people are nasty and cruel, and if you let them know something gets under your skin, they'll double down on it, just because they can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6355" LastEditorDisplayName="user6355" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T02:09:56.890" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T02:09:56.890" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8236" CreationDate="2017-12-18T20:24:35.940" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;While &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;of course&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you are not obligated to have sex or intimate social-interactions with anyone whom you do not wish to do so with, I think there is a lot more complexity to these kind of situations which needs to be addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No gender tends to appreciates having sexual advances denied, and complicating the situation further, having already had sex with you, she has good reason to believe that you are open to sexual contact with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, what simplifies the situation, is that &lt;em&gt;you do not wish to continue to have sex with her&lt;/em&gt;. If you do not wish to take this relationship further, it is very important that you stand firm in abstaining from further sex with her; it will only make the situation that much more difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, while it is understandable that you would want to maintain your friendship, from her perspective, this might be difficult. While technically incorrect, you would essentially, from an emotional point of view, be asking her to be friends with her ex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend that you formerly break up with her; something along the lines of you not having time or emotional energy for a relationship at this point in time. If she responds that you were not formerly in a relationship, &lt;em&gt;do not try to respond by saying that you knew&lt;/em&gt;. Resist the urge to be correct, and tell her that, to you, it is starting to feel like one (which does not seem far off from the truth). Situations like this can be delicate, especially given her high station in a group whose support might be quite critical to your emotional well-being; it is important that you be the one to swallow your pride in all this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also suggest, that you propose that you both take a week or so to keep your distance and process all this; after that you can resume building your friendship. Of course, the main onus is on you here, perhaps skip a meeting or two out of respect for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you the best of luck in resolving this tricky situation, and hope you two ladies can work this out in a way that ends amicably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="533" LastEditorUserId="533" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T20:35:16.510" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T20:35:16.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8263" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3793" CreationDate="2017-12-18T20:34:31.203" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had coworkers like that.  I'm not a parent and am not &quot;into&quot; kids; apparently I was elsewhere when they were handing out the gene that helps fuel the &quot;aw, cute!&quot; reaction to kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you still want to maintain a positive working relationship; even if you're not friends, you have to spend a lot of time with this person and in your shared environment.  So you have to put up with &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; amount of stuff you're not interested; it's social lubricant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been able to reduce the amount in two ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As others have said, control the timing.  &quot;Sorry, busy now&quot; while staring intently at your monitor, or &quot;hey, catch me at lunch, ok?&quot; often works.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reduce the time you spend looking.  If somebody hands you a picture and you look closely and engage with it (&quot;oh, cute&quot;, asking questions, etc), the person will conclude that you're interested.  Instead, reduce the time -- look briefly, say &quot;uh huh&quot;, and hand it back (or redirect your eyes).  A perceptive person will pick up on this and conclude that you're not as interested as you first appeared to be.  Because the two of you have already established a pattern, you'll likely need several repetitions of this before it &quot;takes&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said that a perceptive person would pick up on this.  If, instead, you are dealing with somebody who is more oblivious, one of those &quot;&lt;em&gt;I'm&lt;/em&gt; interested in this so obviously you are too&quot; sorts, then you'll need to be more direct.  If the approaches I've described don't work, then you might need to reach for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm happy for you but I'm not really into kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm happy for you&quot; makes it less of a dismissal, and the the second part makes it about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; issues rather than the other person.  Even if that's a lie, it's usually helpful to go with it for the sake of the working relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This assumes you don't work in a child-oriented field like an elementary school, daycare, or similar.  If not being into kids would bring your job qualifications into question, stick with the timing approach.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T20:34:31.203" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8264" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8243" CreationDate="2017-12-18T21:52:30.500" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd avoid any options that involve pretending not to know. That can get very tangled:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jane Doe, to Alice: &quot;By the way, I mentioned to Jess that you don't&#xA;  do office parties because you're a Reformed Dagonist.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, to Jane: &quot;No problem.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You, to Alice: &quot;I missed you at the office party.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice: &lt;em&gt;tries to figure out why you're pretending not to know the thing that Jane told you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to establish a friendly atmosphere, just pick something other than parties to ask about. If you're occasionally asking Alice how her weekend went, how her family is, etc. etc. (pick something appropriate for your work and individual circumstances) then she's not going to feel missed if you don't ask her about the parties. She may just assume, correctly, that you already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8568" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T21:52:30.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8250" CreationDate="2017-12-18T22:04:03.987" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you'll need different strategies for communicating this to people who are close to you vs strangers or casual acquaintances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For people who are close to you&lt;/strong&gt;, such as your SO, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) Tell them what you have&lt;/strong&gt;  explain (as you have here) that your getting help, and that while it looks scary it is not harmful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) Explain what happens&lt;/strong&gt;  so that they are prepared and not as surprised when it actually happens.  Make sure to include how long they can expect you to not be able to move and how long until you will be able to talk.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3) Give them something they can do to help.&lt;/strong&gt;  For example, get help moving you out of other peoples way (or just keep other people from walking over you, which ever is best), sitting by you to keep you company, or putting a pillow under your head to make you comfortable.  Anything really - if they feel like they are doing something helpful it should mitigate their fears.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be specific and be prepared to answer questions.  Even those who know you well will probably have some.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For people you don't know that well.&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;This one is much tougher,  They best think I can think of, is to wear a dog tag somewhere visible,  that has large letters on one side saying, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If I pass out&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and on the back side in smaller letters a really short version of how long the attack will last and what people can do to help. Something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm ok , it usually lasts between x to y hours/minutes.  Pleas make&#xA;  sure no one walks on me and I'll be awake soon.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the mutism persist much for a long time after you regain full movement of your body  you could simply write out a thank you on your phone or a notepad.  Telling people &quot;Thank you, I hope I didn't scare you, I'm fine now,  I'll be able to talk in xHours.  I can see myself home, to work, etc. . .&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2017-12-18T22:14:11.933" LastActivityDate="2017-12-18T22:14:11.933" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8243" CreationDate="2017-12-19T00:21:17.320" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you are overthinking this. After a few days in any workplace you may know who is married, who is gay, who is religious, who is an amateur speleologist and which is the boss's favorite football team, unless they want to keep that information secret.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are Alice's beliefs a secret? If she has been in the company for some time, she has avoided a lot of events and she has probably told other people the reason and it's just common knowledge. You can assume she assumes everybody knows, or everybody is going to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, she may have decided to keep it secret, but in that case Jane would have told you in a different way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, if you think Alice wants her beliefs secret, you can help her by not asking and not mentioning her revealing absence from the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think your urge to make her know you know may be helpful in any case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1597" LastEditorUserId="1597" LastEditDate="2017-12-19T10:25:17.590" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T10:25:17.590" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8267" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8268" CreationDate="2017-12-19T03:42:48.163" Score="0" ViewCount="1507" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in consulting so I'm frequently at a client site all day long. It's embarrassing that my guy friend, who is pursuing me, sends me the eggplant emoji and my client sees it pop up on my iphone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's really inappropriate when it's done during work hours but I'm not sure how to tell him to stop it without ruining the good vibes between us. We meet about once every two or three weeks for dinner and drinks.  Should I meet him in person and bring it up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask a friend co-worker to stop sending a sex-oriented emoji without offending him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10452" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T22:05:09.827" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T22:05:09.827" Title="How can I ask a friend co-worker to stop sending an embarrassing emoji without offending him?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8267" CreationDate="2017-12-19T03:49:27.813" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest &quot;Hey, I really like what we have going on.  I can't receive the eggplant emoji at work - my clients can see it and it can get embarassing.&quot;  Don't overthink this - if you have a good relationship, he'll respect that boundary and not do it again.  Every couple has things that they need to ask the other to do or not do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T03:49:27.813" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8270" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-19T04:54:26.453" Score="8" ViewCount="2622" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have a 2.5 year old. Since she was born, my wife has been on various trips with either friends or her family (who live overseas) with the child, while I stay home at work, or to catch up on the holiday later when I was able. I've never complained or denied that she should go and enjoy herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently brought up that I would like to attend a seminar in Japan next year (for a hobby of mine, not work related). It would entail about 5 days away including travel. I have been to such seminars before, but not since the kid was born. My wife immediately said that I could go, as long as I organised my family to help her with the kid on the days I'm away (Wife is going back to work full time next year, kid is going to childcare daily), and that organizing help was non negotiable, that I couldn't go if she was left without aid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel this is unreasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the days the kid goes to childcare now (wife working part time this year), I stay home, get the kid up, dressed, fed and to childcare, starting work much later then I usually do. I see no harm in her being able to do the same thing for a few days. Her work time is as flexible as mine. How can I approach this to avoid getting into an argument about it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10453" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-12-24T11:26:48.083" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T11:26:48.083" Title="Dealing with what I perceive as unreasonable demands from spouse" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-12-19T04:58:36.180" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am renting a room in a large, shared house with people from all ages, ethnic backgrounds, and nationalities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's progressive that everyone(?) where you live is blind to gender, not sure why the other attributes are relevant to your question; if you live with children what you say needs to be age appropriate or you need to check around the corner before you bring up adult-oriented outings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you've brought up that the tenants are of various backgrounds you might want to consider if what you do or say is interesting to everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I did talk with a couple female tenants (Alice and Jane) on different occasions about my plans for the weekend &lt;strong&gt;when asked&lt;/strong&gt; and mentioned I would be going with some friends to a maid cafe and may have jokingly suggested they come along as a maid or something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the numerous previous occasions when I had non-girlfriend female roommates I didn't ask about &quot;their plans&quot; or &quot;what are you doing later&quot;, when I was asked what I was doing I politely declined to go into details and didn't invite them along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The second half of your answer before they responded to the first half is: a one-two punch, or TMI.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The manager then wrapped-up the discussion and suggested I be careful about what I say to people and advised I not try to find the person who complained for fear additional tension or awkwardness be created between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems like good advice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully the manager explained not to ask people about their plans, seeking to either: be nosy, comment upon their activities, or seek an invitation. If you don't know someone why check/test boundaries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Letting it drop and everyone go back to winding their own wool seems best. They're not going to ask &quot;whatcha doing&quot; and you're not going to volunteer TMI.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't forget your lesson, they only live with random men; other things they're not interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't approach random women and ask what they are doing later (or for the weekend) hoping that it's either well received or that they tell me about their much better looking friends. I have asked female friends and indeed they have hooked me up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Random people, random results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I let the complainant know I am sorry what I said upset them and meant no ill intentions? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell that to the manager.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Three simple rules for getting along:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Live with children, watch what you say and do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Live with adult strangers, watch what you say and do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Live with adult friends, watch what you say and do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T04:58:36.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8270" CreationDate="2017-12-19T06:08:10.943" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you wish mention you are happy with everything: new job for her, child, and your work; despite your happiness you wish to be able to attend a hobby related conference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She needs or wants extra help. You need or want extra learning / networking / whatever you are doing at the conference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worth the discussion versus worth going ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would seem that, the way things are, there are few choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Discuss changing the way things are, see if you can agree on a different way to do things in accordance with both your beliefs and acceptable to both your families (if all of your families also has an opinion on your lives).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's OK with them send the child to your mother's (or other relative's) home, without either of you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't go.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Bring wife and child to Japan.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it is Robotics Conference it seems like there is one every month. Can you go to a different conference at a time and date better for everyone else &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; can you visit conference using LiveStream, Skype, YouTube or read Papers online (check conference's website for last year's info and see if it is good enough or if you would miss too much).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she doesn't say she wants to spend more time with you and the baby before she is busy with work. She thinks your time with her and the child is better than hobby she doesn't understand or isn't interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[PS: If you wish add a Tag to your question stating which country or add it to the question; if you think culture is a relevant part of your situation - you might gain insight from someone more familiar with this situation and a means to resolve it.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="7238" LastEditDate="2017-12-19T06:39:38.310" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T06:39:38.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8250" CreationDate="2017-12-19T08:40:55.043" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;While the other answers have some good points, I wanted to add one or two ideas. They aren't IPS really but it was too long to comment on an existing answer so i post one myself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your SO or someone else who you have already told about your illness is around when the seizures strike, you can instruct them to inform other bystanders that everything is ok and no further help is needed (no ambulance etc.)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This means that you have to fill in your SO beforehand, in a moment where you are alone and you aren't suffering an attack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If noone you know is around, you could have a small sign prepared that says &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I'm OK! No help needed.&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;.  You can keep this sign in an easily accessible location and put it beside you before incoming seizures. Of course this only works if you have some time to act before incoming attacks. This way, any bystander will know not to call unneeded help like an ambulance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T08:40:55.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8276" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8243" CreationDate="2017-12-19T10:23:51.463" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a member of one religion that has some of the same requirements, like not going to birthdays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I think you are maybe overreacting about this issue. I can assure you that if she feels the need to say it to you, she will.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The same thing happens to me often. At the beginning in some company, I may say to one or another on their birthday about the why I'm not going or so, and people just start sharing it because people.&#xA;As soon as I know, the whole company is knowing about my beliefs, even if I wasn't the one that bring it up to most of then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I am completely okay with the situation. I don't really like being put in a position that I have to explain to everyone about it, and the whole point of me having to share it is to make people not think that I am rude for not going to any party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I could say anything to you, is to just let it go. She can even expect that you already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3485" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T10:23:51.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8277" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8270" CreationDate="2017-12-19T10:27:44.040" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Frankly, I think it would help successful &quot;negotiations&quot; with your wife if you try to understand her point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From her perspective, what you are offering now and what you got when she went on vacation with the child are two different things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What she gave you (from her perspective): Quiet time at home without the child and her to do whatever you please. It sounds like this is something she would like as well (especially given that one of her jobs seems to have been primary caregiver for the child). Maybe she just wants a brief vacation from being a mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're &quot;offering&quot; her now (from her perspective): Taking care of the child alone while you enjoy yourself and do what you please. So essentially a double-shift of being a mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It currently looks like you get to enjoy some &quot;me-time&quot; no matter what and she gets to take care of the child no matter what. No wonder she's none too happy about that, it doesn't sound like a particularly fair deal for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can see the situation from her perspective and understand what she wants and finds important, you can go on to offer her a better deal. One where both you and she get something out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you don't find spending time with and taking care of the child particularly exhausting and that's why you're wondering what the big deal is. But it may be exhausting &lt;em&gt;for her&lt;/em&gt;, since she does the majority of it and she may have grown somewhat weary of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would like to go to that conference for fun. Find out what you can offer her in return so that she gets something out if it, too. She's already told you one thing she wants: help with the child. If you don't want to bother your mother, find someone else. Or find something else to offer her that she finds equally appealing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T10:27:44.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8270" CreationDate="2017-12-19T14:16:33.803" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to have this conversation in a calm manner, even though there's a good chance that it will devolve into a fight. Pick a moment when both of you are in a relatively good mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Decide what your main issues are, and state your point of view as calmly as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I find the fact that she's issuing ultimatums absolutely unacceptable, and that would be my main talking point. It's not a healthy power dynamic in a relationship when one spouse imposes absolutes on the other. I'd tell her that I love and respect her opinions, but that she has no right to impose such conditions on you. That any problems she perceives could be discussed, and solutions found, but that ultimatums are not something I'd stand for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once that's out of the way, you can discuss why she feels she can't take care of the child for 5 days. I understand that she's not looking forward to it, but although it may be difficult it is hardly impossible. Express your point of view - you do this all the time already, and this is simply a temporary arrangement for her - a sacrifice she would be making to support your interests and personal growth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps compromise on your mother coming down for one day (on the Wednesday, for example), to help her catch her breath as it were, but not every day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day you need to choose whether you want to make your voice heard, or embrace a &quot;happy wife, happy life&quot; attitude (which I think is unhealthy, as it often comes at the cost of the husband's happiness).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T14:16:33.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8281" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8282" CreationDate="2017-12-19T15:25:27.567" Score="25" ViewCount="9092" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an individual who is not okay with the word 'queer' being used to describe me, what is the most socially acceptable and sensitive way to communicate that to individuals who are? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To rephrase - if I am in a social situation with casual acquaintances or friends who use the word 'queer', how can I sensitively explain to them that I am not comfortable with the word and request that they don't use it to describe me? I would like to preserve our friendship and respect their decision to reclaim the slur, but I would also like to respect my own boundaries and make it known that I am not comfortable hearing it and don't wish to reclaim it myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question asked in response to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/2289/can-the-question-about-using-the-word-queer-be-reopened-after-a-quick-edit/2295&quot;&gt;this thread&lt;/a&gt;, but this is also a problem that I experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To provide cultural context, I am in my 20s in the UK, gay and gender nonconforming but I prefer she/her pronouns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2242" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T23:51:27.263" LastActivityDate="2018-06-23T00:41:02.930" Title="How can I explain to others that I'm not comfortable with the word 'queer'?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8281" CreationDate="2017-12-19T15:54:14.577" Score="26" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, and, by the way, not sure why but I don't really like the term &quot;queer&quot;. Probably it's just me, or maybe I personally disagree to a certain extent, anyway... mind if you skip that word?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;Yeah, and, by the way&quot; part lets you enter the conversation by following the flow without making it sound like an interruption/counter-argument.&#xA;This, already, will serve to keep the interlocutor defense shields down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;not sure why&quot;, &quot;like&quot;, &quot;probably it's just me&quot; and &quot;personally disagree&quot; parts serve to keep the discussion heat level low, you sound non-aggressive and the interlocutor will not feel attacked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;mind if you skip&quot; is a polite request that a nice/polite interlocutor can accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, should the interlocutor continue, I'd reach the conclusion that you're dealing with someone not nice/polite and you might want to stop sharing time with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T15:54:14.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8281" CreationDate="2017-12-19T15:59:20.300" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best thing you can do with your own sexuality and how you feel about it is to be yourself and be honest. I know so many people who've tried to just &lt;em&gt;adapt&lt;/em&gt; to what's &lt;em&gt;normal&lt;/em&gt; in the LGBT+ scene and ended up quite unhappy people in the end as it wasn't really them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be honest with your friends/acquaintances. Next time they use the word don't make a massive deal about it but just mention to them that you don't really like that word when referring to you and just ask politely if they'd try not to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope you guys don't mind, I'm not a massive fan of the word 'queer', would &#xA;  it be ok if we didn't use it if that's ok? It's just me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just as long as you come off in a non-confrontational way it should be fine. You have to remember too though at the end of the day if they want to use it to refer to themselves when you're around you can't really stop them doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4518" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T15:59:20.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8281" CreationDate="2017-12-19T16:09:50.393" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;Asking people not to use the word &quot;queer&quot; to describe you personally is a completely reasonable thing to do, but I would caution you about asking people not to use it when describing themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that some people are uncomfortable with the word, many people have some really rough memories tied to the word being used as a slur against them, and it's understandable that the word still carries those connotations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you need to ask someone not to use it to describe you, simply explaining your experience with the word, how it makes you feel, and what words you want them to use instead, should solve the problem for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mentioned that you should be cautious about asking other people to not use the word because it's a word that has been somewhat &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reappropriation&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;reclaimed or reappropriated&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In sociology and cultural studies, reappropriation or reclamation is the cultural process by which a group reclaims terms or artifacts that were previously used in a way disparaging of that group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth mentioning that reappropriating/reclaiming a word has a way of taking its power. You're not only reclaiming the word itself, but you slowly end up taking control of its power to hurt you. Admittedly I still get pissed when people use it as a slur, but reclaiming it allows me to laugh in their face when they do. Sort of a:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That was the most hateful thing you could think to say, and it's a word me and my friends embrace. You've got nothing...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Believe it or not I have friends that use &quot;fag&quot; for the same reasons. Once you own it, they can't use it against you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally use the word &quot;queer&quot; because I'm not straight, gay, or bisexual. I'm &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;pansexual&lt;/a&gt; and a lot of people aren't familiar with that term. The term &quot;queer&quot; also feels a little more inclusive, to me personally, than a lot of the other options, because it speaks to the common experience of being ostracized and/or bashed for being different that many LGBT+ people share. Basically while LGBT+ people may not all have the same sexual orientation, we all share some similar experiences, we face many of the same hardships, and I tend to think we should come together as a community because of that, and to fight against it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just stumbled upon a relevant post on imgur, screen shots from a Tumblr thread where people were discussing this exact issue: &lt;a href=&quot;https://imgur.com/r/lgbt/ZM8FH&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://imgur.com/r/lgbt/ZM8FH&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Queer&quot; apparently has a much longer history of reclamation than I originally thought. One could argue, and few folks did in that thread, that queer has been used as an umbrella term since the start of the LGBT rights movement, it significantly predates &quot;LGBT&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few even questioned whether it was really a reclaimed term at all. According to one source, gay men were using the term for themselves in 1910, so it's worth noting that this may have been our word to begin with and that it may have been co-opted and used as a slur later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;We're here, we're queer, get used to it!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-06-23T00:41:02.930" LastActivityDate="2018-06-23T00:41:02.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8285" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-19T16:33:32.803" Score="6" ViewCount="2107" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lets go to the facts first.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Let's call my close friend Bob, and his ex-girlfriend Jane.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me and Jane go way before I meet Bob. Actually, she presented me to him.&#xA;Since then, we became really close friends, at the point of starting a business together.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have known Jane since high school, but never had anything romantically with her. Just friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3 or 4 months ago, Jane dumped Bob (they dated for about 8 months), and I was there for him. Stood up for him and went to a lot of places to make him &quot;forget&quot; her. And he did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob knows that we are basically the same, so, the first thing he said to me after the break-up was that &quot;You are free to see Jane if you want to, because you are very much like me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He probably was sadly mad with her when he said this, and I had no intention whatsoever to go after Jane. But time changes, and after Bob, we started going out, we became closer and now we are going on dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to bring up the subject &quot;Jane&quot; to Bob, and he was kinda mad, saying that I would not work with her. (To be clear, I haven't said anything about going on dates with Jane to him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, this is a big IF, but a pretty possible one.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If things work it out with me and Jane, I mean, a more serious relationship, I'll have to tell Bob about it.&#xA;Believe me, having to keep secrecy is not cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should I approach him if it came to be?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some time together with Jane, I could clarify in my mind that I'd rather have Bob as my friend. So, I choose to stay with him.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Thanks for all the help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3485" LastEditorUserId="3485" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T10:18:13.413" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T10:18:13.413" Title="How to tell a close friend and partner in business that I'm seeing his ex-girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;brazil&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8281" CreationDate="2017-12-19T16:36:47.513" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know how old you are, but I know people my age who hate the term.  While this is not universal, GenX (people born before 1980 or so)and older tend to dislike it, while people who are younger do not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to politely steer people away from that is to simply tell them that you're uncomfortable with that term and you prefer {fill in the blank}  Do it in a quiet, non-offended way because you don't want them to think &lt;strong&gt;THEY&lt;/strong&gt; did something wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing to remember is the interpersonal skill of giving someone an opportunity to &quot;save face&quot; and avoid embarrassment on their part, so you may want to phrase it like &quot;By the way, while there is nothing wrong with that term, I prefer&quot; or &quot;I'm not offended or anything, but I prefer&quot;... et cetera.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phrase it in such a fashion to let them know that they haven't hurt or offended you first, then say what you'd prefer that they do.  That puts them at ease and defuses a potentially awkward moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T14:08:30.820" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T14:08:30.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8285" CreationDate="2017-12-19T17:06:52.843" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should I approach him if it came to be?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main point I will add here is don't let Bob find out by bumping into you while your out as a couple.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you begin to explore a relationship with Jane, be upfront, open, and honest about it with Bob.  Remember, girlfriends come and go, &lt;em&gt;good friends are hard to come by&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Carefully consider if its even worth risking it, as &lt;strong&gt;you could end up with neither of them&lt;/strong&gt; as friends.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to date Jane, &lt;strong&gt;do not hide it&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-12-19T17:39:07.413" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T17:39:07.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8285" CreationDate="2017-12-19T17:19:57.547" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob knows that we are basically the same, so, the first thing he said to me after the break-up was that &quot;You are free to see Jane if you want to, because you are very much like me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were Bob, I'd probably only being saying this to make light of the situation - not as a serious statement. Because of this, I want to rule out the argument of &quot;Well you gave me permission...&quot; before I jump into the meat of my answer. If this was truly right after the breakup, it seems very unlikely that Bob had even had time to process his own emotions, let alone develop enough to be okay with you dating his ex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, you and Jane have your own history without Bob being present, and it's okay for you to want to date. However, &lt;em&gt;there's not going to be any one answer that guarantees Bob will not be upset with you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expect that Bob might need time to adjust to the news, but take steps to help soften the blow:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Let Bob know you and Jane have been hanging out (if he doesn't already know).&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will give him an opportunity to deduce this information himself.  He might even ask you if you're  hanging out in more of a dating way, when he's ready. This step helps 'baby step' Bob into hearing the news of your relationship becoming more serious instead of blindsiding him. &lt;em&gt;This also gives Bob the opportunity to express early distaste of your friendship with Jane, and gives you the opportunity to decide if it's worth escalating any negative opinions Bob is already expressing.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If/When you tell Bob, focus on how it affects your relationship with him; not expressing how you feel about Jane.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, so you know that I have been hanging out with Jane a lot these past few weeks/months and I wanted to let you know that our relationship is becoming something more official. I don't want it to strain our relationship, but I didn't want to keep it from you, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what your approach and wording, expect that Bob might need some time to fully process his feelings. Say what you need to, be understanding of whatever he wishes to do afterward, and respect that until he expresses otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Best case, Bob says it's cool and doesn't care. Awesome. Proceed as usual.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Most probable case, Bob says 'that sure is something' and wants some time away from you both. Let him have his space. He used to see Jane as 'his' person and now he needs to adjust that mental image to having her back in his life but as 'your' person. Be friendly with Bob but give him space. He'll let you know when he's ready to go back to the norm.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Worst case, Bob is really upset. Bob doesn't want anything to do with you now, or in the near future.  Leave Bob be. If Bob is your business partner, evaluate your relationships' importance in relevance with how your business/friendship is going to be impacted by Bob's extreme reaction and figure out where to go from there (potentially another IPS problem).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T17:19:57.547" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-12-19T21:20:20.023" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some things to consider - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You've already made one or more of them uncomfortable, and now you want to go against the explicit instructions of the housing manager and seek them out. That's going to be potentially viewed as an attempt to intimidate (&quot;I know it was you&quot;), and if you do apologize and improve your behavior around them, the question will be whether you actually wanted to change or are just putting on a show for the ones who complained, to avoid getting in trouble (&quot;doth protest too much&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They complained because they want you to &lt;strong&gt;stop&lt;/strong&gt; with the sexist/demeaning remarks.  agoodnurse's paraphrasing captured, very well, why they found those comments offensive. The housing manager also said there were a number of complaints about you in this regard, so, really, why does it matter which specific ones complained? Your discussion clearly made a number of them uncomfortable, which means, yes, the problem is probably your own lack of outgoing filter. You need to not just improve your image with just the one or two, but for the number who complained, and the others who were probably irritated but didn't complain.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know who it is, then your default will be to behave in a respectful and appropriate manner with all the women you live with. That will improve your image with everyone, and it will avoid the whack-a-mole situation where you behave more appropriately with the ones you know complained, but then wind up offending a whole different group because you haven't altered your overall behavior, just towards the ones you think have the real problem (aka, not you).  Who knows, if you get in the habit of using that filter, or putting yourself in their shoes before speaking, that might carry through to behavior outside of your household, and you will avoid offending strangers you don't live with and any hot-headed companions they might have, as well.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2017-12-19T21:20:20.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8243" CreationDate="2017-12-20T02:10:32.160" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Great discussion. I agree with the others who said just to basically ignore the issue but be friendly, and she will know you are friendly and her religious beliefs will not play into the whole thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like someone said, she might already know you know so trying to be all clever might backfire. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an example for you. I have a much younger brother and I have never lived with him nor even in the same city. Once when I was visiting my family I found out from another family member that my brother is gay. I had no idea and had never heard this before from anyone, including him. Of course, it didn't matter to me at all one way or the other. But I worried that the reason he didn't tell me was because he thought I would react badly or judge him in some way, or something negative. Anyway, since he didn't tell me but I knew, I went through all these machinations to somehow let him know I would be ok with it if he told me and to show my support for him. Well, it turns out that he didn't tell me because it was not a big deal to him and just normal life. Not a big secret to tell. We had never talked about relationships so it didn't come up - also he was an teenager and you know...mostly you just dont chat with your family about sexy time. At least not my family haha.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I felt like an idiot for making a big drama in my own head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I am trying to say is that you might be overthinking this, like I was. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10478" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T02:10:32.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="677" CreationDate="2017-12-20T07:27:42.727" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you happen to be in a radius of speaking person and all other person there consider you as a part of conversation (even if you just happen to stand there and listen) you can simply smile and say little quieter than current speaker:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Pardon me&quot;&#xA;or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Beg your pardon&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;this should't be considered rude.&#xA;Reference:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/126026/difference-between-pardon-me-and-i-beg-your-pardon&quot; title=&quot;Pardon phrase&quot;&gt;Pardon phrase&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10482" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T07:27:42.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="677" CreationDate="2017-12-20T12:16:35.740" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are not part of the conversation, and there are things you need to gather up before you leave (such as a bag or coat), then silently get ready to leave first. That way the conversation is not interrupted but it will be obvious that you are about to leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, by the time you have got ready, no one has addressed the fact that you are getting ready to leave, then it is perfectly acceptable to quickly interrupt with a polite leaving sentence, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry to interrupt, but I need to be going now. Have a good rest of the day and see you tomorrow/next week/next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple sentence like that, combined with the visual of you in your coat or with your bag, will allow people to quickly acknowledge the fact that you are leaving and then go back to their conversation with minimal disruption.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9468" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T12:39:10.513" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T12:39:10.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8296" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8298" CreationDate="2017-12-20T12:41:40.643" Score="42" ViewCount="11561" Body="&lt;p&gt;Little bit of background: a few weeks ago, my friend/coworker's sister, we'll call her Lila, opened up a shop with her boyfriend, let's call him Mark, about things that generally interest me. I've helped them as much as I could to set up the shop before it opened, because I thought it was a nice place, and I generally like their family. We weren't friends before, but since then I started visiting them on their shop regularly (about twice a week), just to chit-chat, look around what's new, or just hang out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, since they seem to be very grateful for my help (even though I don't think it was really that much), and because they're generally kind and nice, they'll often offer me things from the shop for free, or with a great discount, when I show interest in that thing or intend to actually buy them. The values of these things are in the tens of dollars. As much as I appreciate their generosity and friendliness, I'd rather pay full-price for the things I get there, since it is still a business and I feel like I shouldn't have privileges over other clients, not to mention I can't help but think of how these discounts might sum up at the end of the month on their profits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to tell them that I don't want free things/discounts just because I'm friends with them, but I don't know how to communicate it in such a way that doesn't make me sound ungrateful, uncaring or rude. Sometimes Lila would offer me something I wanted to buy for free, to which I awkwardly insisted in paying full price. Sometimes Mark would offer me a product with a discount, which I would often just end up accepting, to avoid any embarrassment. Note that I'm very introverted, so I have a hard time communicating those things without it coming off weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I decline a friend's continuous acts of generosity without being rude or ungrateful?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Some clarifications that I should have considered before posting: this is a small business and they're just starting, so I don't think they're as well-established as to be able to provide free/discounted items all the time. Maybe in the future it might not be such a problem, but for a new and small shop, I'm not so comfortable with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been friends with Lila's sister for years, but not with Lila herself (or Mark, whom I had just met) until I started helping them with their shop, so I don't have as much intimacy with them as I'd like to in order to approach this subject without causing awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reasoning behind their gifts are &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; because I helped them and because they want to be kind with a friend, so it's not as much &quot;bothering&quot; to me as it is guilt-tripping. The discomfort comes from me trying to be fair to them business-wise without it sounding like I don't appreciate their kindness friendship-wise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks everyone for the answers! I talked to them and insisted on paying full price, and they insisted on giving me discounts, especially since I was always there to help them, and because we're friends. So we've settled for reasonable discounts only.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10317" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-01-10T01:14:21.497" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T06:48:03.810" Title="How to ask to pay for products from a friend's shop rather than accepting them as gifts without being rude?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;brazil&gt;&lt;act-of-kindness&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8296" CreationDate="2017-12-20T13:36:16.410" Score="31" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I decline a friend's continuous acts of generosity without&#xA;  being rude or ungrateful?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you say something like:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;Thank you for the kind offer, but I cannot accept this item for free.  I feel very guilty about doing that as I am concerned it may affect our friendship.  How much is it again?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as accepting a discount, &lt;strong&gt;I don't see the big deal&lt;/strong&gt;.  Friends do things for each other where they can.  There is a huge difference between free and at a discount IMHO, as I would not want my friends to lose money on a purchase I make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T13:59:20.760" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T13:59:20.760" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8296" CreationDate="2017-12-20T13:36:58.440" Score="28" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes Lila would offer me something I wanted to buy for free, to which I awkwardly insisted in paying full price. Sometimes Mark would offer me a product with a discount, which I would often just end up accepting, to avoid any embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, addressing behaviors while they aren't actually happening is often easier than having a good talk about it when in the middle of that behavior happening. Maybe it can help you as well, to have a talk about this behavior &lt;em&gt;while you're not buying anything.&lt;/em&gt; This will probably remove some of the pressure from having such a talk, and it's easier to not be awkward (since you're not declining an offer right then and there). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there times when you're interacting with Lila and Mark without being in their shop to actually buy something? Then that is a good time to bring the topic up. Just refer to the last time you bought something, make it sound like you want to express your gratitude for getting it for free/cheap again, and then say that although you appreciate it very much, you'd like to pay for things from now on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you familiar with the principle of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reciprocity_(cultural_anthropology)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;reciprocity?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that's what's happening here: You provided a service (help with setting up the shop) and in return, Lila and Mark feel they should pay you back with gifts. These gifts might also be a way for them to build up their friendship with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on that, it might be a good idea to also ask them 'Why are you doing it?'. Start as suggested above, with appreciating that they gave you a discount/free item last time. You might even put both of them in the same sentence: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate you doing X last time, but why are you giving me so many discounts/free items? It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I'd like to pay to help your business succeed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the talk continues from there on, emphasize how uncomfortable the behavior makes you, make it more about you and a little less about the loss of money they face (but feel free to use it as an argument nonetheless). That way, they can't dismiss it with 'oh, the money isn't that much to us' because it's about your feelings, not the money.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm really hoping asking why Lila and Mark are doing this can give you some more handles for having the conversation. If they are doing it because they appreciated your help so much, you can say that you consider that debt paid, and you really like to pay full price for now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Lila and Mark are doing this because they appreciate your company/being a customer of their business, and there doesn't seem to be a way to dismiss their want for doing so, it might be better to agree on a small discount they can give you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From where I'm from (Netherlands) when I worked retail, workers and their close family to get a 10 percent discount. Very regular customers got a 5 percent discount where I worked. If you know you're going to get 5 or 10 percent off, and that's a hard line, they can't offer you items for completely free, or very discounted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of all, you don't have to feel guilty for accepting their kindness after you've let them know that there's really no need for them to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're really done with the behaviour though, and things don't get better after talking to Lila and Mark about it, it might be time to take a stand: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm paying full price for this item or I won't be taking it. &amp;lt; Joke &gt; So, it's up to you: Do I get to enjoy this item or not? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is something that has worked for me with my grandma, but you really must have a good relation to Lila and Mark for it to work. I've used it when we go shopping and my grandma insists she wants to pay for me. My variant is 'I'm going to buy it for myself or I'm not going to have it all'... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T13:36:58.440" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8130" CreationDate="2017-12-20T14:01:08.150" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers here are great in that they offer the suggestion of a private chat before the session (or after the current one).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the key information is missing in order for the instructor to understand &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; she shouldn't over-pronounce her words or speak loudly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks so much for making the extra effort in including me, I really appreciated it.  You really don't need to raise your voice with me, just speak normally.  I'm good at &lt;strong&gt;lip-reading&lt;/strong&gt; - you can whisper across the room and I'll be able to understand it.  As long as I can see your lips moving normally, I can hear you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I happen to miss anything during the class, I'll let you know and we can go over it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing here is mentioning that you're able to lip-read.  Most people understand what this means and should prompt them to re-adjust how they communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As part of this conversation, you can mention that over-shaping the words isn't needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T14:01:08.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8300" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8296" CreationDate="2017-12-20T14:28:38.423" Score="26" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd rather pay full-price for the things I get there, since it is still a business and I feel like I shouldn't have privileges over other clients, not to mention I can't help but think of how these discounts might sum up at the end of the month on their profits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just it. You can say exactly this. &lt;code&gt;I want to support you guys and your business&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal is to not come off as unappreciative or ungrateful. By saying that you want to support them and their business not only shows your appreciation for what they've done but also for them in general. Paying for items can also show your gratitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's short, simple and straight to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people who run businesses appreciate this type of interaction because it can get sticky dealing with friends and acquaintances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="461" LastEditorUserId="461" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T06:48:03.810" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T06:48:03.810" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8301" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8308" CreationDate="2017-12-20T15:53:40.077" Score="6" ViewCount="2724" Body="&lt;p&gt;So background information. My sister, who is currently 16, has been living with me for the past couple years after some problems with our Mother arose. This past May we moved off base into a home with a work friend (he is 27), who was recently divorced and struggling to pay for his large home. In the home we all have our own rooms, separate living area like rooms, and bathrooms. We really only share the kitchen, but not food. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since living with him relations between him and my sister have gotten quite bad. They argue constantly and can't be in the same room with each other without getting progressively more aggressive. When I'm alone with one or the other of them, they complain constantly about what the other has done recently. I'm worried without a way to mediate between them, my sister and I will have to move in order for her to keep her sanity. She has enough to stress about without all that house drama.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far my advice to her was to completely avoid him when she is upset, and to instantly leave any room/conversation with him if they start to get heated. This is just avoidance though, and not a good long term fix. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question for you all is: what can I do to mediate between these two people in order for our living arrangement to return to a more peaceful state?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also important note, that the roommate and I are decent friends. He is never short with me, and we've only ever argued after a conversation between him and my sister went too far south - which he listened to, apologized to her, and then proceeded to sulk around the house for 2 weeks making everyone miserable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit for questions:&#xA;The living arrangement is expected to end in this coming July (about 6 months). We were only living there until we could find a more permanent home, and he is planning on retiring from the military in July and moving states. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also the most common argument is about her not bringing her house key with her when she goes out, to martial arts or to a friends house. She will ring the door bell, his tiny dogs will lose their mind, and he will stomp his way to the door and let her in. This leads to him being gruff with her, and her losing her temper and being rude to him. My room is quite far from the front door, and unless she has the forethought to call me when she gets dropped off I will not make it there before him. Another common argument is about her not wanting to deal with his dogs, and not letting them out of their crates when she gets home. This upsets him and they argue about whose responsibility that is, and in this situation I think he is more in the right since they are living beings and it doesn't take much of her energy to put them outside when she gets home. So in short, they can both be the 'childish' one in these arguments - depending on what started the confrontation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10488" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T14:20:43.400" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T23:55:00.100" Title="How to sooth relationship between roommate and my sister (who lives with us)?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8302" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8243" CreationDate="2017-12-20T16:13:37.127" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a vegetarian who is constantly being asked why I don't eat at the potlucks, or if I eat (insert specific type of animal product here) I understand how frustrating it can be for someone with different views.  Some people just can't leave well enough alone!  What I appreciate the most is the people who just accept it and leave it at that.  Most either go out of their way to be PC (Buying veggie burgers...I'm the only veghead so that just draws attention to me and is embarrassing) or constantly questioning (word spreads fast in the office, I know they all know, so why do they keep asking?).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are friends and chat, it will probably come up in normal conversation.  If you're not close enough for her to willingly share that kind of info, don't question her about it.  More than likely enough people already do, and she would probably rather not explain her beliefs again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let your words and actions demonstrate that whether or not she comes to the holiday parties really doesn't matter to you, you just appreciate her as a person!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10490" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T16:13:37.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8303" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-20T16:16:46.757" Score="4" ViewCount="1831" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a male, 23 and let's call her Jess. She is 22.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me and Jess go way back. I've known her since high school, but as my friend had a crush on her, I'd never ever hit on her, even though I find her attractive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After my friend had no success with her, I had no interest in her as well, but this took like 2 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We always kept contact, but not as close friends, just friends. She had two serious relationships, and recently (like three months ago) she ended her relationship with one common &quot;friend&quot; among us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll tell a little bit of our history here because it matters for the question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since we've never been close friends, I asked her out on 4 opportunities these last 3 months and for my surprise she accepted all of then.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two interesting events were these:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1 - I Invited her in something like a double date to watch a movie, all went well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2 - As she had a guy pursuing her, she asked me to come with them to the bowling and it went really well for me (poor guy, I feel him). I think that she just asked me to join to make a statement for the guy that she had no interest on him. But then again, this is just what I think of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What bugs me: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also invited me to watch The Last Jedi, just because she knows how nerd I am. Jess doesn't even like Star Wars. We went out to dinner, just the two of us and she was really excited to see me. Was laughing at every dumb joke that I made, was messing with her hair and a little physical contact with me, points that I think it is flirting. As soon as I know, I was fixing her hair and stuff like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my perspective, it was very obvious that I have romantic intentions with her. IRL, we are really good together, with intimacy and stuff. But when it comes to interactions between social media (like Whatsapp) things go to shit.&#xA;She takes a long time to reply, like 6 hours or even a day, but always reply friendly, saying sorry sometimes for the late response but keeps doing the same thing over and over.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This for me is a clear signal that she doesn't want anything to do with me, but our interactions IRL signals the exactly opposite. I'm afraid that going on and tell her how I feel so soon may blow every interest that she may have on me.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I intend to keep seeing her, but I would like to know if there is anyway, or tips that I could confirm if she has a interest or not without blowing everything up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks guys&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10492" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T16:35:02.810" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T17:39:31.473" Title="How can I tell if an old friend has interest in me?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-20T17:38:01.110" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8303" CreationDate="2017-12-20T16:21:19.830" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not everyone is glued to their mobile device. Have some confidence in yourself, and stop expecting immediate replies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the best way to judge her interest? Ask her out on an actual date / make a move. See what happens. She seems to be giving you some pretty heavy hints, time to take the plunge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T16:21:19.830" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8303" CreationDate="2017-12-20T16:43:19.147" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But when it comes to interactions between social media (like Whatsapp) things go to shit. She takes a long time to reply, like 6 hours or even a day, but always reply friendly, saying sorry sometimes for the late response but keeps doing the same thing over and over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry to say that, imho, you are making a big huge great mistake here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you are treating digital life on the same level as real life&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it matter &lt;strong&gt;that&lt;/strong&gt; much to you if a girl was actually your girlfriend but didn't have a Facebook account or didn't bother updating it &quot;Relationship: dating&quot;?&#xA;You don't know what she is doing / what she can do while she's not with you.&#xA;She might be busy, live a busy life, and not carrying her phone always with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to &lt;strong&gt;stick to real-life signs&lt;/strong&gt; (if you think you can see any) and leave online communication to &quot;good morning&quot;, &quot;good night&quot;, or service communications such as &quot;when does the movie begin?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T16:43:19.147" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8303" CreationDate="2017-12-20T17:33:32.003" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm just like you in the way of thinking, so this answer will come from experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She takes a long time to reply, like 6 hours or even a day&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always thought the same way, but something that I learned is that just because you have free time to read or read messages right after they arrive it doesn't mean that the other person would have time to do it or acts the same way as you. My girlfriend takes a long time to answer my messages aswell, ever since we first met, so that gives you a clue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since we've never been close friends, I asked her out on 4 opportunities these last 3 months and for my surprise she accepted all of then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the proof you need to keep going. In my opinion she is interested in you, no doubts. People IRL and through social media are totally different most of the time, so don't rely heavily on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4233/demonstrating-my-intentions-date-relationship-while-dealing-with-cultural-diff&quot;&gt;This question is kind of related to yours&lt;/a&gt;, so I think it might help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5723" LastEditorUserId="5723" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T17:39:31.473" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T17:39:31.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8301" CreationDate="2017-12-20T18:13:24.267" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having had 'complicated' roommate situations before myself, I feel your pain!  As these people are both your friends (and family) it would certainly be ideal if the relationship could be restored to at least a semblance of peace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being that she is 16, and he has also made it clear that he does not like/relate to kids, it may not be possible to spark a friendship between them, but as they are both adults (or nearly there) it should be possible to at least lay aside the differences and agree to live civilly for the next several months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your roommate has some expectations as to how 'house rules' should go: don't ring the doorbell, let out my dogs etc.  And your sister is not following them.  If you are all paying equal rent, and that rent is solely based on monetary exchange (i.e. no one is doing housework etc. to lower their share)  It really is only fair that no one can have any expectations of anyone else.  Your sister not ringing the doorbell, or letting the dogs out when she gets home is at this point a favor that she is performing for the other roommate, not something that she is required to do.  Pretty much anyone who has lived in an apartment building can relate that there is always that person with the screaming kids or the barking dogs or the TV that stays on till 2am, but unless the site management evicts them for it (unlikely), there really isn't anything else you can do about it besides find a new place to live.  Your roommate is in a bit of the same situation.  It's annoying to him, but as an equal member of the household he can't expect someone to change just because he finds their behavior annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try to talk to them individually about it, bringing them together as a group may just rile them up more and have the opposite affect from what you are looking for.  Explain to your sister that isn't your ideal situation either, but you both need to make the best of it, and it's certainly better than not having some place to stay!  Try to relate to her and get her to understand where you are coming from, hopefully you are close enough with her that you can do so.  If it goes well perhaps you can find one thing that she does that irritates your roommate and ask her to change the behavior as a sign that she is actively trying for peace.  Sometimes even just an attitude change can be a good start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try talking to your roommate as well.  Perhaps give him a little backstory as to why your had to move out of your moms -no details, just enough info to help him to understand the difficult spot that your sister was in.  Him trying to tell her what to do might be giving her flashbacks of being back home and causing her to rebel more.  Perhaps if he just got out a relationship he's a little on edge himself which is making them clash even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to go out of your way to make the peace you can try being extra pro-active (asking your sister to text you when she's on her way home so that you can unlock the door, letting his dogs out for him...) but at the end of the day it's not your responsibility to keep the peace and you can only do so much before you go crazy yourself.  I have always found that with my younger sister (13 years younger) leading by example is one of the most effective ways.  They take it for granted sometimes, but they do see it, and eventually it does make a difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you all the best, and hopefully some of these suggestions might be of help! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10490" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T18:13:24.267" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8267" CreationDate="2017-12-20T18:40:03.143" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can go through it with a humorous request like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Hey would you stop that already? XD&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-&lt;em&gt;Eggplant emoji&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-I'm serious. I'm at work dude, please don't send it while I'm working. It gets a little awkward if my client sees it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm adding &amp;quot;XD&amp;quot; at the end to make it somehow fun. This should keep it friendly and smooth, nothing serious enough to feel like a killjoy. Now, if your friend keeps doing this you can engage in a more serious talk and request him to stop it and remind him that you've already asked him to quit it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this is of some help to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2737" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T18:40:03.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8296" CreationDate="2017-12-20T18:56:01.557" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Classic tropes are classic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; don't have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I couldn't &lt;strong&gt;possibly&lt;/strong&gt; take that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please, I &lt;strong&gt;insist&lt;/strong&gt; on paying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use the conventional language of propriety. Granted, using a &amp;quot;stock&amp;quot; phrase from the etiquette books doesn't automatically make a given action not-rude, but, if your position is that refusing an offer isn't rude and you're only looking for the right way to make the refusal without being rude, then, the &amp;quot;stock&amp;quot; phrases are the very tools necessary to convey your intent and wishes in the proper way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a bonus, these tropes can have the side effect of getting the other party to think about whether &lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; are creating an imposition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T18:56:01.557" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4804" CreationDate="2017-12-20T19:32:41.093" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have permission from the Homeowners Association to use the field.  But perhaps not exclusively.  If you're expected to share the use of that large field with others, then you owe your neighbors (of all ages) an explanation of your activities, and why you and your dogs can't be sociable during the sessions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does the Homeowners Association have a way of building community?  Does it have a newsletter?  A listserv?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of these exist, I suggest you get together with a few interested neighbors to get some of these things going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they already exist, use them to build awareness of what you're doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, don't take the exercise session for a long explanation, but do look for another venue for education.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of photographs of you and your dogs in action, along with some text about agility training (or whatever the right term is), would make a great article.  You can explain that in the middle of a training session, you won't be able to answer questions... and then let people know when IS a good time to answer questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to worry about your dogs giving neighbors the cold shoulder.  They're dogs!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;My neighborhood built community through a community picnic, publicized with flyers in mailboxes.  (I wasn't the instigator.)  At the picnic, everyone was invited to join a listserv.  That's one way it can be done.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T19:38:25.390" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T19:38:25.390" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8312" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8325" CreationDate="2017-12-20T19:36:43.133" Score="16" ViewCount="2098" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find myself on occasion in a conversation with someone who really likes to talk and rarely stops to listen.  This lends itself to me listening almost the whole time.  Occasionally I have things I want to share but have no opportunity to do so.  One family member, in particular, is very challenging for me.  They are quite domineering in conversations and tend to do the following things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I have a chance to share a story, he rarely stops to acknowledge&#xA;my story.  Instead he jumps straight to a loosely related story of&#xA;his own.  Usually his story is an attempt to one up my story.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He rarely asks questions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's quite good at carrying on one-sided&#xA;conversations about things which I don't have a lot of interest&#xA;in...guns, Nascar, motocycles (and accessories), cooking, etc.  I&#xA;can show interest and make it through about 5 minutes in these&#xA;topics before getting left behind in the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In conversations with people like this, I usually check out of the conversation after a while.  I hate doing this because it is disrespectful to them and draining for me.  &lt;strong&gt;Is there a good way to actively engage in a conversation with someone who is not good at listening or sharing the conversation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5241" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T03:06:20.870" Title="Conversing with a Conversation Hog" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8267" CreationDate="2017-12-20T19:43:53.687" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’ll expand on a technical solution, that is in itself an interpersonal solution regarding the relation between you and your employer/customer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;private phone at work = flight mode&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;check messages during your break&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if iPhone needs to be on for professional reasons: switch off notifications for that app, so your phone won’t show incoming posts if you do not open the app in question&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, you can always have a conversation with the eggplant-sender to take care of that interpersonal relation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I think you should pursue my first suggestion and render your relation to the employer/customer professionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T19:43:53.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8314" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8316" CreationDate="2017-12-20T19:53:13.863" Score="30" ViewCount="4903" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mom has had anxiety issues for as long as I can remember. It used to be sort of quirky and not disruptive of our lives, including (but not limited to):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Touring each room of the house to make sure everything was unplugged if not in use&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Feeling the oven/stove to make sure they weren't hot, even if nothing had been cooked that day&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Feeling around on the light switch (presumably to make sure it didn't feel hot)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, over the years (especially since I have moved out) this behavior has escalated. Her old behaviors still persist, but there is a new behavior which (I feel) is inhibiting her ability to live a normal life. This is as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Never leaves the house (with the exception of work) without someone at home to watch her dogs.  She says she's worried the house will 'burn down with them inside' or that some other wild event will befall them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has even almost passed out while driving home from work because she saw a smoke plume in the distance (not even in the direction of our house) and convinced herself it &lt;strong&gt;was&lt;/strong&gt; our house. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Both dogs are young, ~2 years old, large dogs, with no medical issues. She will not even run a 20 minute errand if it means they will be alone in the house.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are the reasons why this is making such an impact (least to greatest):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She is secluding herself, and doesn't seem happy about it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand some people are happy being alone a majority of the time, but my mom doesn't seem to be.  My dad is often running his own business or out farming, and my mom constantly complains that she's always alone at home by herself.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When I am home, we can't go anywhere.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom expresses how much she'd like to be able to go pick up a pizza together, or go shopping, but that she 'just can't leave the dogs' to do so. Even 15 minute ventures are off the table.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her actions make my dad and I feel belittled and untrusted.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad has offered to stay home to check in on the dogs every couple hours but this wasn't good enough. I've wanted to be home on days my mom is working and &lt;em&gt;this isn't allowed&lt;/em&gt; because she is concerned I'll leave something plugged in, leave, and the house will burn down with the dogs inside of it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She gets really upset when I won't come home, but she won't come visit me.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live 1.5 hours away (which is considered 'close' where I'm from), and am constantly (bi-weekly/monthly) asked to make the trek home because she misses me so much. She hasn't visited me in over 4 years now. Any time she 'plans' to come visit, she finds dramatic reasons why she can't at a late notice and instead asks me to come home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, there aren't official dog sitters where she is located and she cannot bring her dogs with her to visit me as my apartment complex would not allow it. Sneaking them in is not an option as they do not listen very well, so I'm almost positive they'd cause damage.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom and I's relationship is being strained lately because of this. Ultimately, I'd like for my mom to feel free to go wherever she pleases without having so much anxiety about her dogs spontaneously combusting while she's away - with a focus on her ability to visit me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, &lt;strong&gt;neither of my parents have a strong belief/interest in the importance of mental health&lt;/strong&gt;, so I'm not sure how to go about addressing my concerns. This also makes talking her into receiving professional help seem like a long-shot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Given these circumstances, what can &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; say/do to help my mother through her extreme anxieties?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other things you might want to know:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm an only child&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My mom is in her early 50's&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My dad is not a viable option in helping me with whatever route I choose to pursue, as he doesn't think her anxiety is a real mental barrier, and that she can just &quot;choose to stop feeling that way&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T06:56:24.557" Title="How to help my mother work through extreme anxieties?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8296" CreationDate="2017-12-20T20:18:01.507" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I admire your consideration for their new business, I think you may be going too far. Friends do favors for each other, and if they own a business a common way to do this is by giving away their products or services. If the shop deals in products that they enjoy making and they know you like, it gives them joy to give them away to you. It's really up to them to decide if they can afford to give away these items, it's not for you to change their mind. It's fine to push back a little (&quot;you've already given me so much, it's not necessary&quot;), but if they insist, take it. Forcing them to take your money would be like trying to pay a friend when they invite you over for dinner -- it turns a friendly relationship into a business deal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you should feel guilty. You didn't help them with the expectation of these favors, and you're not asking for them now; they're grateful and they're offering them to you. But if you want to assuage your guilt, return the favors -- invite them to dinner (or take them out to a nice restaurant if you don't cook), treat them to a show, take them to a sporting event, etc. If you have business skills useful to them, help them out for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2574" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T20:18:01.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8314" CreationDate="2017-12-20T21:32:25.710" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;Wow, this is a difficult question, and I hate to say &quot;There's nothing you can do,&quot; but that's about what it will boil down to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can say, sit down and have a rational discussion about everything that's going on, but anxieties of that kind are difficult to have a rational discussion about, because they aren't rational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Given these circumstances, what can I say/do to help my mother through her extreme anxieties?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing you can do, though you stated it's unlikely to happen, is to talk your mother into seeing a psychiatrist, or lacking that, her family doctor, to be put on a medication that helps with obsessions (which are what your mother has; she obsesses over chosen fears.) And yes, there are medications that help a great deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can read about all the things that do help anxiety: meditation, journalling, etc., and help her learn the techniques. I highly recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn's book, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&amp;amp;field-keywords=wherever+you+go%2C+there+you+are&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Wherever You Go There You Are&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;. Living in the moment you find yourself in is a lot more peaceful than living in fears of what might happen in the near future. That's a real possibility for help. You &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be able to take short outings and have her meditate through her fears, taking progressively longer outings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, you can learn everything you can about something called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, in which people are controlled by their fears. I'm not diagnosing your mother, but knowing about OCD can lead to some productive discussions with your mom about the existence of irrational fears and what people can do about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a technique with children who catastrophize (&quot;What if we get into an accident and the car explodes?&quot;) of scaling down the catastrophe into more manageable steps (What if we got a flat tire?/What if the dogs run out of water?) Sometimes giving someone more realistic fears to deal with can help to replace the catastrophic ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a reason she can't take her dogs with her wherever she goes? I have three dogs, and they often accompany me on errands, doctor's appointments, etc. As long as the sun isn't hot, they're fine in the car. (In the summer, I leave the car on and the AC running.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her actions make my dad and I feel belittled and untrusted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you think this is a mental illness. If so, it's your choice to have hurt feelings about your mother's lack of trust in you, because this &lt;em&gt;isn't about you!&lt;/em&gt; It's about her. Its as if I were a judge, and I were to get insulted if a paraplegic didn't stand when I entered the courtroom. That sounds ridiculous, but it's an apt analogy. The fact that the paraplegic doesn't stand up for me does not reflect upon me at all; he &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; stand up. It's about him, not me and his showing respect for me in a traditional manner. The same is true of your mom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She gets really upset when I won't come home, but she won't come visit me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an issue you need to set a healthy boundary for. You have a right to a healthy relationship with your mom; if she can't do her part, you need to protect that part of your life that you can. Read about boundaries and how to set them. Know that you are not responsible for her feelings when you set a reasonable boundary (most people don't get this. Understanding that she won't get it is important. You can talk about it, but you're not responsible if you can't convince her that you  have a right to a healthy lifestyle.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very difficult situation, and I wish you the best. Taking care of yourself is as important as helping your mom; there has to be a balance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I saw a woman once in the ER who thought she was having a heart attack, which is the only reason she left her house. She hadn't left her house in close to 4 years, and missed all her daughters' plays, etc. Luckily, the ED was slow that morning and I had a lot of time to talk to her. By knowing about OCD, I was able to convince her that this was psychological, and that there was medication for it. She left the ED with two prescriptions and an appointment to see a psychiatrist. About five months later, I received a wonderful letter from her. She had just accompanied her daughter on a school field trip. She was leading a relatively normal life. I was very grateful to have been a small part of her recovery.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T21:38:42.240" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T21:38:42.240" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8301" CreationDate="2017-12-20T22:13:20.260" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think I'd try tackling them individually, with the aim of encouraging them to change how they view the various actions causing issues. For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;With your sister, tell her that she doesn't have to let the dogs out but it's nice to do so, especially when your housemate lets her in. She's old enough to be responsible for her keys - ringing the doorbell is better than paying a locksmith if she were to move out alone! You might also educate her on the advantages of temporarily making nice to folks you're stuck with for a short while.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point out to your housemate that the dogs being let out by your sister is an advantage they wouldn't get if he lived alone, so no big deal if she doesn't, but if he was a bit less grumpy about letting her in she might do it more often.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try and get them to view it as working together rather than antagonising each other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10464" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T22:13:20.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8281" CreationDate="2017-12-20T22:25:17.240" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just say 'that term makes me feel uncomfortable'. But don't be too hard on your friends and collegues.  You have stated that YOU used to consider 'Queer' OK, and have only recently changed your mind.  Their only sin may be a failure to keep up with fashion.  Also consider this:  WHATEVER word you decide is acceptable, some people will use it negatively.  The attitude is the problem, not the word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4899" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T22:25:17.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8319" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8312" CreationDate="2017-12-20T22:27:06.743" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've said that you want to actively engage in conversations with him, and that the things he wants to talk about don't interest you.  So, more specifically, you're asking how you can get a word in edgewise, talk about things &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want to talk about, and get him to at least pretend to care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've got somebody like that in my social circle, somebody who loves the sound of her own voice, tells the same stories over and over, turns anything anyone else says to her own conversational benefit, and just will not share.  Asking questions about the things she talks about is the wrong approach, I've learned -- she mistakes that for active interest and tells us even &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; trivia about fountain pens from the 1950s (I kid you not).  I've found no conversational technique that gets through to someone like this; somebody who monopolizes conversations like that is, in my experience, not perceptive enough to detect subtle hints.  Or even blatant hints; I've actually walked out of conversations with this person mid-ramble and that hasn't gotten through either.  (Or maybe she thinks I'm rude; I don't know.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way I've found -- this worked with a friend with a milder case of this problem -- is to have a separate conversation (yeah, I know) about this issue.  You set it up by (privately, not in front of other people) saying something like &quot;hey Bob, when you've got some time I'd like to talk with you about a personal matter, ok?&quot;.  Then when you have the conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Express that you value the relationship and are feeling strain that you don't want.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use the &quot;when you do X I feel Y&quot; format.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain why that bothers you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask how the two of you can solve the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Thank him for making an effort.  (If he does anything better than refusing to change, grant that he's making at least a tiny effort and thank him for it proactively.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just as an example (you'll need to customize this), that conversation could start with something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob, I'm really glad we get to visit so frequently.  There's something that's bothering me, and I'd like your help.  When we talk, I want to hear about everything you're doing and I also want to be able to share what I'm doing.  When you interrupt me to tell stories of your own, I feel like you don't value what I'm saying.  I want to be part of the conversation too, but I don't feel like I get much of a chance.  Can we figure out some way to balance this more?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How the conversation proceeds will depend on how he reacts.  I can't map out every possible scenario.  In the case of the friend where this worked, the person admitted to not being able to read me (so didn't know I was getting frustrated), and we agreed on a signal.  With somebody else in my social circle, the answer turned out to be &quot;so, how 'bout that weather?&quot; as an abrupt &quot;change topics&quot; signal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T22:27:06.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8312" CreationDate="2017-12-20T22:31:46.763" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest one of two options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are close enough to express 'feelings' to this person...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be honest during a quiet and private setting between the two of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I feel like sometimes you don't let me finish what I'm talking about.  When you do, it doesn't feel like you're really listening to me, because you start talking about something else right away. I'm really excited to hear your stories but I'd like to share mine, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach is better when it's someone you're close enough to that having a heart-to-heart with them won't be awkward. Usually people who do this, &lt;em&gt;myself included&lt;/em&gt;, don't realize that they're hogging the conversation or making the things you're sharing feel minimized.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; that close to this person...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it lighthearted. Laugh about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow Uncle Bob, you have so many stories that sometimes I feel like I can hardly get a word in edge wise!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might not be something that gets picked up on the first iteration, but chances are if you say this a few times over a few interactions with so-and-so, they might start to think about why you keep expressing it. &lt;em&gt;Do I talk too much? Do I ever let anyone else share stories?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My experience is coming from your relatives side of the fence, and both of these are actions that people have used to let me know I'm dominating conversations with them. There are still times I slip up, but I usually remember these in hindsight (after I start rambling) and slow down to let them talk otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2017-12-21T00:30:24.593" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T00:30:24.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8296" CreationDate="2017-12-20T22:50:27.743" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being that you describe yourself as an introvert, I interpret that quality as  hesitation or reservations in speaking your mind and feelings without careful thought and consideration. Speaking directly to or with others about thoughts that are not simply agreeable may pose difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest a special greeting card with a handwritten note, and your own small gift of some sort. As a sentiment of friendship and also a palate to carefully express your feelings about the gifts being given to you, you can &quot;reciprocate&quot;, set boundaries and normalize the friendship of a couple who have exalted you with appreciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Potential wording? : Amazing friends! Thank you for everything- I wish you continued success and the best of luck- I love visiting the shop. But I must say, Please, refrain from gifts of merchandise and discounts. As much as I appreciate the thought, I cannot in good faith accept. I admire your generosity and honestly would rather pay full price for everything that I purchase from you. Its worth every penny its priced and I want your business to have every advantage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friends will loooove you. And grow in respect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may even toot their horn, speak up to those in your circle when opportunity strikes and share the good news of the business, their products and the goodness of these independent retailers. This type of word of mouth may be good for the business because it is genuine, community based networking. &#xA;They sound like new age givers, creating a flow in order to create affluence of giving and receiving, practicing laws of abundance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10501" LastEditorUserId="10501" LastEditDate="2017-12-20T23:01:54.493" LastActivityDate="2017-12-20T23:01:54.493" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8296" CreationDate="2017-12-21T00:52:18.780" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm,&#xA;Most cultures find it to be an insult to reject, a gift of appreciation, however your position seems to be easy to handle in a respectful manner.A true friend and business minded person like yourself and I can foresee the potential devastation of this act of kindness.However,due to your generosity they may feel grateful. Nevertheless, I am a straight shooter when it comes to expressing the pitfalls to ones kindness in gifts from merchandised inventory in business, and you may not be the only FFI that receives gifts.&#xA;I liked the idea of taking them to dinner. Because, you are in an environment of comfort,exchanging words of common interest.This gives you the opportunity of jokingly stating,the last thing you would want to be a part of, is a group of friends family and or investors, that shut your company down due to gift giving in personal friendships, I want to exchange money, for merchandise and watch you grow.Why? Because I love you guys, So make me a promise no more gifts except birthdays and Christmas.Raise your glasses of whatever,and keep a warm smile at all times.Do not text them, please or phone calls.However,if you are not good at confrontation, find a card with the inside blank and provided your signature and mail it or hand it to them.Your signature will be taken more graciously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;God bless you and America&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mama D.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10506" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T00:52:18.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8312" CreationDate="2017-12-21T02:16:14.457" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner can be a conversation hog sometimes. He'll talk for entire minutes at a time, such that by the time he's even remotely close to finishing, I'll be starting to zone out and wouldn't remember any of the points I wanted to make. This is especially infuriating when he interrupts what &lt;em&gt;I'm&lt;/em&gt; saying to interject with his opinions, and then continues on for so long that what I was initially saying isn't even relevant anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trouble with these kind of people is that it's just the way they're used to having conversations - they don't notice they're doing anything wrong. Even if you pull him aside and ask him to change and he agrees, it's very likely that the next time you two have a conversation, you'll be listening to Nascar for 15 minutes straight again. Even if he &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to change, it won't be easy for him - hogging is just his default conversation mode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While pulling them aside and attempting to teach them basic conversational politeness is a good place to start, it's not guaranteed to work. If it doesn't, I'd suggest you start interjecting immediately when he's hogging. If he interrupts you, you can respond with something similar to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, I wasn't quite done yet, could you hold that point for a sec while I finish?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's going on forever about topics you're not interested in, actively change the topic. One way to do this is to acknowledge what they're saying, then tie it into something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Cooking is definitely a great skill to have... I can't wait for Aunt Sally's roast this Christmas Eve. Say, this holiday break I'm actually heading off to ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's getting &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; bad and you're having trouble interjecting, one thing I do is excuse myself to the bathroom or kitchen for a minute to create a stop in the conversation, then once I'm back, I immediately bring up a new topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this all involves being a bit of a rumbustious jerk sometimes, which is a good skill to have if you want to maintain a relationship with a hog.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, if asking him to listen more like the other answers suggest doesn't work and you still want to maintain a relationship with this person, you need to get louder yourself. Personally, unless you're very close to this person and know they're open to criticism, I'd forego asking him to listen better entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10509" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T02:16:14.457" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8314" CreationDate="2017-12-21T02:55:09.147" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, over the years (especially since I have moved out) this behavior has escalated. Her old behaviors still persist, but there is a new behavior which (I feel) is inhibiting her ability to live a normal life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Don’t worry about the dogs; they are a manifestation of an issue but not the core issue.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost: This has utterly nothing to do with the dogs; your mom has latched onto them for other reasons. It’s a manifestation of something… What that thing is? I don’t know. But please read on to hear how I can relate to you and what my advice is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I grew up with a somewhat similar experience: My parents—who have passed away—are Holocaust survivors and they each suffered from varying degrees of PTSD and OCD behavior. My dad was more functional than my mom. My mom was simply afraid of tons of things happening. The apartment catching on fire, me not coming home at night after hanging out with friends and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, a lot of her PTSD had a tangible and immediate trigger: We lived in a crappy apartment in a poor neighborhood and both my parents worked crappy factory jobs that put them in crappy neighborhoods during the workday… And this was all in New York City back in the 1960s to 1980s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Working with your Dad.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So enough about me, more about you; especially when you say this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My dad is not a viable option in helping me with whatever route I choose to pursue, as he doesn't think her anxiety is a real mental barrier, and that she can just &quot;choose to stop feeling that way&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to think differently about this situation with your dad since your best bet to help your mom is to have an ally in your dad. He might think she should just “hoose to stop feeling that way” and you might be upset about it, but it is clear you are both stressed and his reaction is—honestly—valid in it’s own right. Remember, your dad loves your mom and that is why they are married and that is why they had you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, I would encourage you to reach out to some local social worker about this. The context—at the most positive level—is this is all the manifestation of someone with severe OCD or someone with high functioning autism now degrading for some reason. When you meet with a social worker, you should focus on her actions and not attempt to figure out what a motivation/cause might be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Why you need to be concerned.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other end of the spectrum, back to my family and similar experience: When my mom passed away it’s because she basically had a stroke and was not exactly in a coma but not exactly “all there.” Prior to her death the family had her do a CAT scan and there we saw something: She had suffered TONS of strokes throughout the years and never had them looked at. Her final death blow was simply one stroke too many.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when people have a stroke, it manifests in some loss of motor function. Other times it’s often small enough to just be felt as a “headache” in some people and they shrug it off like this. At the end we all knew she ignored small health issues regularly and then this happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when it comes down to her getting at least some basic medical help near the end of her life it came down to getting my dad to cooperate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my recommendation is to meet with a social worker and explain that you would like to get your dad onboard in getting your mom to seek help. A social worker might be able to have someone meet with your dad who can explain what might be happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But at the end of the day, if you just show up with a social worker out of the blue say “I love you mom, you need help!” you might do more damage than good. Your dad could feel more defensive towards your mom and see you as “meddlesome.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So best of luck in dealing with this. And most of all, best of hopes… The dogs might appreciate the effort as well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2017-12-22T02:51:38.850" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T02:51:38.850" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8327" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8312" CreationDate="2017-12-21T03:06:20.870" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I normally do in this scenario is interrupt their flow by saying something like 'Hey, just a moment, let me complete my story' - that usually shuts them up for a while. When I do this with the same person 2 or 3 times, they kind of get the clue and try to listen (or pretend to).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people who still keep doing this, I avoid listening to them for a long time and say something like 'Oh, I'm getting late' or 'I need to make a call, excuse me'- anything which helps me avoid listening to them again and again. I'm sure they appreciate a good listener but I don't really love to stay mute in a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T03:06:20.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6326" CreationDate="2017-12-21T03:11:35.920" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's difficult when someone follows you in a vehicle and it's not better when they follow you on foot. If you're concerned about fighting with people you need to carry a whistle or horn, and a cellphone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case I guess you need to head in a direction where there's more people and approach a different stranger. Despite being a unknown person the random person you approach for assistance is likely safer than the weirdo whom is following you; just be certain that they are not a former passenger of said vehicle and &lt;em&gt;working&lt;/em&gt; cooperatively with the driver.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's unfortunate that this happens, that it's something that people need to worry about, that there's something you must do, but it's a fact that it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't have approached the vehicle that way, but in your case perhaps the advice your going to prefer is to walk away from the person towards a safer area. I see no reason to be polite with the person or accept excuses about why you ought to accept such behavior (for &lt;strong&gt;any&lt;/strong&gt; pretense).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever the driver's purported reason, whatever they are doing, however old, young, nice or rude; driver (or person on foot, following you) just don't do it, don't behave in a manner that is likely to be perceived as threatening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have a phone or are otherwise caught off guard you might want to head towards a &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Block_Parent_Program&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Block House&lt;/a&gt;&quot;, it's similar to 'Neighborhood Watch' but it's more of 'Personal Safety Assistance' (normally for children but they should accept adults, at the very least if they won't open their door they'll call the police).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can locate these homes by a sign in the window, near the front door. If there are no such houses perhaps you might want to suggest it to the next HOA meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't accept that people have reasons to stalk you and make you fear for your safety, and don't make them think you're going to be approachable, nor should you approach them and improve their opportunity to inflict harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should report this suspicious behavior to the HOA and Police, it's not like you have the right to follow them and make them feel uneasy on the basis that there's been reports of some strange person following people around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't accept their possibly truthful excuse, make others in your area aware of this intolerable activity. That person needs to be on their way ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.blockparent.ca/program.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Block Parent&lt;/a&gt;® do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A Block Parent® may be called upon to offer their home as a place of safety when someone is in a dangerous or frightening situation such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;bullied&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;lost, hurt or ill&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;caught in severe weather&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;frightened by a stranger &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/nE1SS.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/nE1SS.png&quot; alt=&quot;Block Parent&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T03:11:35.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8330" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-21T05:48:41.167" Score="2" ViewCount="1041" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend (John), whose partner (Jane) I am also friends with. The three of us have hung out together for many years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm unsure when it is considered acceptable to spend time alone with Jane, and if I should take any steps to ensure that John (her partner) doesn't feel betrayed, regardless of what he may say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm well aware that in any healthy relationship there should be a great deal of openness, tolerance, and trust. However I'm not so idealistic as to believe every relationship is as peachy as it appears - If I'm creating stress on another couple, and jeopardising our friendship, then I'd rather wait until the weekend to see them both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane is the only person I know who works near me, so I'm not left with the option of seeing another person, or inviting a third party. I've grabbed coffee with her a few times, and I feel guilty having not said anything to John. I know that if I had a girlfriend, I certainly wouldn't want him to be frequently calling her out to lunch, regardless of how much I trusted them. It'd make me first feel jealous, betrayed and insufficient, and then later probably guilty and various other emotions of self-deprecation, for having thought badly of friend and partner meeting up for food. At the same time, I fully realise that everyone is free and independent, and has a right to make their own decisions. It's certainly not up to John to dictate who Jane sees, but here are some of my concerns:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Should I continue having lunch, as frequently as I want, with Jane?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Should I have a chat with my friend John, so that I can be sure that I have his approval?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Am I making too big of a deal out of this?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I go out to lunch with a friend's partner with him not feeling betrayed?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10511" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2017-12-21T08:51:14.033" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T08:51:14.033" Title="How can I go out to lunch with a friend's partner with him not feeling betrayed?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-12-21T08:31:11.397" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8330" CreationDate="2017-12-21T08:07:30.350" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm well aware that in any healthy relationship there should be a great deal of openness, tolerance, and trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this one, you have already aswered yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To this, it must be clarified that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;persons are not objects who undergo private property&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A sentimental relationship in which a person can't see/visit/go out for lunch with friends or acquaintances is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;highly toxic&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;as it sounds like being on a dog collar/leash.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please notice that you are having lunch or talking about pokémons: where's the betrayal in that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, please note that John should trust &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; too, if you really are friends, not Jane only.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2017-12-21T08:20:48.253" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T08:20:48.253" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8333" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8296" CreationDate="2017-12-21T08:46:02.593" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Were you paid for helping them out setting up the store? If not, they might view the &quot;gifts&quot; as a way of compensating you for your work there, a practice formally called &quot;payment in kind&quot;. If you think that that might be the case, you could just say something like &quot;I was just helping you out set the shop up because I wanted to help, not because I was expecting compensation. You don't need to give me these things.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7295" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T08:46:02.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8334" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-21T09:00:47.593" Score="46" ViewCount="13355" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About 8 years ago, we started having some serious trouble with a couple of neighbors (which slowly escalated to call-the-cops and get-a-lawyer kind of trouble). There was some property damage at the time too, but there is &lt;strong&gt;absolutely no proof&lt;/strong&gt; this was related to the neighbor (there's still a suspicion though).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in university at the time, and my parents did a very good job of keeping me out of it. Being away for most of the time certainly helped. I have a general knowledge of what happened (a court case with a verdict in our favor - she had to get rid of the dogs she hoarded), but my parents never spoke about their interactions with the neighbors, and I never witnessed the extent of some of the property damage or saw my parents initial reactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, that court case was 4 years ago. Since then, I've had some interactions with one of our neighbors, and she seems genuinely apologetic about the whole thing. I'm not the easiest person to win over once you've pissed me off (and she did that because I saw what my parents were going through), but I really think she's sorry for what happened and wants to apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen her make several attempts to try and speak to my mom (for example last summer on the neighborhood barbecue), but my mom always avoids her or gets 'rescued' by dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yesterday, we received a Christmas card from her. My mom was so mad she didn't even read it. I did, and it was a really nice card. Basically, our neighbor just wished us all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Our card also stated something along the lines of 'I really like to apologise and I want to start anew, just like the new year does'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, there was a invitation for the entire neighborhood to come and have the traditional New-Years eve drinks in her home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Needless to say, when I told my mom what was actually in the card ( I felt she at least needed to know there would be a chance these drinks would be had at the neighbors home), she got really, really mad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We got into an argument, me arguing for the neighbor and that I really thought her apologies were sincere, and my mom who wanted nothing to know about it, to the point of shouting at me that I was being naive and manipulated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never known her to hold a grudge this long, she's usually the first to preach forgiveness to me, usually, I'm the person that holds the grudge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm guessing our neighbor did something that's even worse than the things I know about, but when I asked mom about it yesterday she wouldn't tell me. I'd really like to know why she called me out for being naive and manipulated, and understand her anger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I have a talk about the reasons for her anger with my mom, when only mentioning the subject pisses her off this much?&lt;/strong&gt; I'd really like to find out what it is that happened that is so inexcusable she doesn't want to talk about it, or can find it in her heart to forgive, even after 4 years...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Dad's on a business trip right now, and I'd really like to have this talked out with mom before he comes home this weekend. He's not going to accept the apologies either, but he's even less of a talker than mom and won't explain what happened either (I asked) so I would really like to focus this on my mom.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-07-11T14:02:43.323" Title="How can I try to have my mom help me understand why she won't accept a sincere apology?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8336" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-21T09:37:44.513" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say even mentioning the subject pisses her off, so you're gonna have to live with that and push through it. The best way I think is to have a honest conversation about it and ask as honestly as possible what you want. Yes she will probably get mad there. But she'll get more mad if you try and sneak your way around the issue, as she'll most likely notice what you're doing and that will annoy her even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think starting by getting right to the point is best here, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey mom I noticed you don't want to even entertain the apology by&#xA;  $neighbour. Is there something I don't know about our feud with them&#xA;  that causes that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the advantage of not sounding or implying accusation in it. You're not blaming her for still being angry, you're asking for why. This is an important distinction for your mom, because being angry with her for not forgiving is most likely going to make her &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; angry, especially if she has additional grudges against this neighbour that you don't know about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I highly recommend against invoking christian values to elicit forgiveness, this is going to come across as incredibly shallow and a transparent attempt to guilt trip her into forgiving someone she isn't ready to forgive yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2017-12-21T12:03:25.843" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T12:03:25.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8337" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2017-12-21T09:39:06.817" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Neighbors are people who live in close proximity to one another. Many cultures have concepts of being a &quot;good neighbor&quot; and as such, neighbors may often do small things for each other such as sharing tools or watching each other's pets during a vacation. Some neighbors may be friends, but often times the neighbor relationship is more similar to being acquaintances. This tag should be used in conjunction with another tag such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/boundaries&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;boundaries&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;boundaries&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/conflicts&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;conflicts&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;conflicts&lt;/a&gt; to describe the relationship between two parties in an interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-07-02T16:08:09.230" LastActivityDate="2019-07-02T16:08:09.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8338" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2017-12-21T09:39:06.817" Score="0" Body="Use this tag for questions where the primary interactions are between neighbors. Common scenarios involve setting boundaries and resolving conflicts." OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-07-02T16:08:09.230" LastActivityDate="2019-07-02T16:08:09.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-21T09:41:47.697" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I have a talk about this with my mom, when only mentioning the&#xA;  subject pisses her off this much?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that to have this conversation with her, you will really need to &quot;tiptoe&quot; forwards and be very mindful when she sends signals that you are pushing too far as its plainly obvious that the subject is sensitive and I think forcing anything will likely get her to close up and become angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lets use when you informed her about the contents of the card as an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I agree that it was the correct move to inform her about the letters contents but from what I can tell, your miss-step was when you told her &quot;that I really thought her apologies were sincere&quot;. Since you already knew that she had chosen to leave the card alone, simply telling her is a big enough &quot;tiptoe&quot; for one interaction. After she got mad (which is not really justified) you lost all chance of this interaction going well by then taking their side and insisting that the card was nice. In cases like this, I would back off and even apologize for pushing too much. This would leave her thinking about the contents of the card herself, rather than the heated argument and she will be far more likely to come to the realization that it really &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; nice if the initial rudeness she showed you is immediately shut down/cooled off and forgotten about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to remain neutral in these interactions, asking what she thinks or simply telling her information and then back off again when she gives any signal that you are pushing too far, and each new interaction you can build on the last. I know its not the most enjoyable way to act, but I think that a large number of small &quot;tiptoes&quot; forwards like this are necessary before any real conversation about what happened can ever take place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T09:41:47.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-21T10:50:59.120" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're wondering why your mother won't accept an apology. What exactly is your neighbor apologising for?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You told us that a couple of things transpired. First there was some conflict which ended up appearing before court, while at the same time some of your parents' property was damaged. Both these things would very likely have caused a lot of stress for your parents. If this wasn't addressed afterwards, this stress would have festered for the last 4 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addressing these events now opens those wounds again and reminds your parents of a time they would much rather leave behind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Apologizing and forgiving&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that while an apology might be sincere, it shouldn't be something you start with. If someone was hurt a long time ago, without this being addressed properly, that mental wound will have festered for a long time. A simple apology out of the blue is unlikely to be sufficient. Even worse, without specifically addressing the issue, it might come across as careless, spreading more salt in the wounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without resolving the existing tension between the two, an apology and subsequent forgiveness are meaningless, because this tension is going to remain, only to rupture again on the first bit of stress. This is practically the state your mother is in: generally fine, unless the topic is mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever the source of tension between your mother and neighbor is, this needs to be addressed before an apology has any meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Finding out what triggers your mother&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To understand why your mother is not receptive of apologies, you must find out what the source of tension in this case is. Was it the court case itself? Was it the dispute that caused the case? Was it the property damage? Was it your neighbor's attitude? Without Addressing the exact cause, any apology will sound like &quot;meh whatever your issue is, I apologize.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finding out what this is is tricky, because you will have to press through that anger. You'll have to go all Dr. Phil on her, asking further and further about how it makes her feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she gets angry, try asking her what she is angry about. &quot;Everything&quot; is not an answer (so flag, downvote and delete), but start asking. Is it about the dispute? Is it about the fact that it had to come before a court? Is it about the property damage? For the time being, that's all you need to find out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be helpful to point out that your goal is to help make amends, not just to simply wash away all the wrong-doing that has happened. More on that later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Feedback to your neighbor and amends&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you know what exactly is causing this pain that has been festering for so long, we can work on finding a way to make amends. This will not be easy, but if your neighbor sincerely wants to make up for what happened, they'll have to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go to your neighbor with your findings and see if you can find something you can do that might help mitigate the hurts your mother has about these problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Forgiven, but not forgotten&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like I said, it is important to stress that forgiving is not the same as forgetting. The things that happened happened. Nothing is going to make them unhappen. That doesn't mean that we should forget that those things happened, but it does mean that it is not in your neighbor's power to make them unhappen either. If they want to make up for that, that still doesn't unhappen those things, but you can forgive nonetheless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a wise man once said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They turned their backs on their rightful king for no better reason than dreams of power and glory, and I have marked them for what they are. Pardoned them, yes. Forgiven. But not forgotten.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can forgive someone whilst still remembering what they did. Forgiving just means that you don't hold that against them anymore. Of course, if they were to fall back to their old habits, that would open these wounds again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Your mother's teachings about forgiveness&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've never known her to hold a grudge this long, she's usually the first to preach forgiveness to me, usually, I'm the person that holds the grudge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using this might help once she has calmed down a bit, &lt;strong&gt;but don't use this when she is still mad.&lt;/strong&gt; People tend to dislike their teachings being used against them, especially when they are already angry. It is a sort of smartass behaviour that is hard to appreciate in the middle of a heated argument. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Your role&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You place yourself as a mediator. This makes it easy for your mother to suspect that you might disagree with her, that you might be on your neighbor's side. This is not necessarily the case, but the appearance might be against you. Point out that you're trying to understand what is still making her so mad, that you're trying to provide closure, so you can leave the whole debacle behind, without your mother exploding from receiving an Xmas letter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2017-12-21T20:31:16.913" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T20:31:16.913" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-21T11:11:04.867" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most decent people value fairness. It sounds like this is true of your mom. It is hard not to feel angry when there has been an injustice, so your mom's feelings on this matter are understandable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In one sense, justice &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; been done. She won in court. But your mom likely still feels hurt because until now, no apology has been offered, and the apology has come so late that your mom is suspicious of her motives after all this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see two separate issues here: &lt;strong&gt;(1)&lt;/strong&gt; Your mom's forgiveness and its effect on her wellbeing, and &lt;strong&gt;(2)&lt;/strong&gt; the possibility of moving beyond it and attending the neighbourhood event at their home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To help your mom accept the apology as you are asking you need to convince her that it is beneficial to &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;. Letting go of resentment is very freeing, and good for mental wellbeing. Assure her that you are not trying to convince her to attend the neighbour's home (I see this as a separate issue) and say you just want to discuss how she feels. Reason with her that as the neighbour has offered an apology, she (the neighbour) has clearly accepted her own wrongdoing, dealt with it, and moved on. The neighbour is in effect free from the situation; but as long as your mom holds on to it, she is the one that is still 'trapped'. This isn't good for her wellbeing. She is now the only one that is being affected by all the negativity in connection with these past events. Try to convince your mom that accepting the apology is good for &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; and that forgiveness does not mean accepting the other person was right! Forgiving is a sign of strength, not of weakness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moving onto the second matter - assuming all goes well with your conversation and your mom is willing to accept the apology, it would be a good demonstration of your mom's forgiveness if she were to attend the event. It might be an idea for her to go see the neighbour first, rather than the first encounter be in front of the entire neighbourhood. But on this point I have to say that your mom is not obliged to go. Forgiveness is about letting go of all resentment, but it does not take away the &lt;em&gt;consequences&lt;/em&gt; of anyone's actions. If as a consequence of your neighbour's past actions your mom does not feel comfortable going to her home, this is not as easy to overcome and you may need to accept that your mom won't do that. She could just make her excuse and sit this one out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-12-21T11:29:31.863" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T11:29:31.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-21T12:47:00.247" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will assume that what you want to know is what you put in the title:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I try to have my mom help me understand why she won't accept a sincere apology?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, I won't be addressing the related question &lt;em&gt;how can I persuade her to accept a sincere apology&lt;/em&gt;.  (If I'm answering the wrong question, please let me know.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Slowly.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll give an example from my experience with my late mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother was a refugee from Nazi Germany.  When I was growing up, she always became uncomfortable when she heard German being spoken, and it was an iron-clad family rule that I should not mention her German origins in such situations.  It was important to her to keep her distance, and above all, not get put in a social situation where she would have to choose between speaking German and being rude.  If I asked childhood or teenaged questions about German history, she would get uncomfortable, give minimalist answers, and then withdraw.  When there was a documentary on television about the Holocaust, she carefully avoided it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my mid-twenties, not long after she retired, we went on a beach vacation together.  When we were on a ferry ride with nothing to do but gaze at the sea, I asked her a chronology question about her family's flight from Germany, and she didn't clam up right away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days later, after snorkeling in a small lagoon, I asked a follow-up question, and more memories started flowing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The logjam started to break up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward 15 years: I bring my new German partner to visit my mother.  She is nervous, but she makes a sincere effort to welcome this person into her family.  On our second evening there, she sits on the sofa with us on either side, and shows us a photo album she has put together, with her family home in Germany, her parents, the various family members who survived the war and those who didn't, and explains her family history.  The logjam breaks up some more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were limits.  She was never willing to meet my in-laws or speak to them on the phone, but she took the initiative in writing to my mother-in-law, and they had some correspondence over the years.  When my children were starting to talk she was tolerant when they spoke to her in &amp;quot;Germish&amp;quot; (mix of Spanish, German and English).  She always answered in English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She did the best she could, and considering where she was coming from, it was a lot, and my spouse and I appreciated it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take-home message: Show a non-judgmental, empathetic interest in your mother's experience with the dog-hoarding neighbors.  Allow the clam to open if it wants to.  Be patient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-07-11T14:02:43.323" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-21T12:54:22.963" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There seem to be several entwined issues here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The neighbour wants to smooth future relations, have an apology accepted and change the current situation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This prospect appears to make your mother ‘pissed off’&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wish to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;know more of the detail which your parents kept from you at the time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;help parties move towards a rapprochement&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here’s how I see the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;I am not a medical or psychiatric professional of any kind, this is my opinion based on experience and observations.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems likely that your mother is not ‘mad’ or ‘pissed off’ or choosing not to forgive. She’s &lt;em&gt;traumatised&lt;/em&gt; by the issue and that influenced her responses. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You/we don’t know the full scope of the problematic interactions, but here is something to think about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whatever happened, it affected your parents &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;at their home&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Home is supposed to be the safe place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If home becomes a place where you feel embattled; where every day may mean another fight with your neighbour; where perhaps the very environment is polluted by the sounds and smells of ‘hoarded dogs’ and where the aggravation perhaps causes strife within your house also… if all that happens it can strike at the very heart of what it means to feel safe and secure in your home. That can make you feel vulnerable and defensive in a deeply atavistic way, it can be traumatic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And sometimes, people don’t shrug off the damage of trauma lightly.  Sometimes it makes them react to something that seems like a re-emergence of that threat in a way that seems unreasonable or aggressive, but which may stem from a deeply felt panic. What seems pissed-off, mad or unforgiving in your mother may actually be a strongly felt reaction of fear and self-defence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tread carefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;If&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; this is what is happening with your mother, telling her that she is wrong and unreasonable, looking as though you are siding with the threat, is not going to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What &lt;strong&gt;might&lt;/strong&gt; help, is broaching the subject in terms, not of ‘what happened’, but of ‘how did it make you and dad feel?’ or maybe ‘It must have been a really difficult time for you, what was it like, how did you cope?’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Put any ideas of brokering a rapprochement on a back burner. Don’t&#xA;let your mother feel that you care more for the feelings of the&#xA;threat than for hers. Keep it as an ultimate goal if you must, it may&#xA;in time be what your mother wants.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Also, put your curiosity about what happened back there too, if you&#xA;want to know more, you might  need to go the long way around and help&#xA;your mother to process those events and heal from them. But don’t&#xA;push it if you think you are making things worse.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps talk to your dad about whether &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; is also affected badly,&#xA;after all he lived through it too. But do think about the fact that&#xA;their experiences may not have been the same, would they have been at&#xA;home at different times of day etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately you might think about whether some outside counselling would be useful for both of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as to your question 'how can you have your mom help you understand...' I think you may have to first consider if you can help your mom understand, and that may not be easy and it may not be quick. She may not herself understand in a way she can easily tell you, but she is more apt to be able to address it in a situation where she feels supported and safe than one where she feels judged and found wanting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="5639" LastEditDate="2017-12-26T01:42:31.673" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T01:42:31.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8314" CreationDate="2017-12-21T13:48:36.927" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the answers seem to be suggesting that your mother should see a therapist.  If your mother is willing and is responsive to therapy than that would definitely be the best long-term solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, as someone with a similar pattern of anxiety/OCD for whom therapy was unproductive, what really helped to mitigate my anxiety was installing &lt;strong&gt;cloud cameras&lt;/strong&gt; in my house.  It is extremely reassuring to know that whenever I need to, I can check in and make sure the house isn't on fire/no one's breaking in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the rest of the family is uncomfortable with the idea of having always-on cameras in the house, you could try installing &lt;strong&gt;internet connected smoke detectors&lt;/strong&gt; to alert you if there is a fire.  &lt;strong&gt;Pet doors&lt;/strong&gt; could also be installed to allow the dogs to have an escape route.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possible solution(though most likely extremely expensive) would be to install a &lt;strong&gt;sprinkler system&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might not be the most interpersonal of solutions but, for myself, having a way to &quot;check in&quot; periodically goes a long way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8415" LastEditorUserId="8415" LastEditDate="2017-12-21T13:56:52.730" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T13:56:52.730" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-21T16:48:20.073" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is one of the most challenging situations presented on IPS.SE, and a lot will depend on your mother's personality and her motivations. I think the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/8345/381&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; by @aparente001 is technically the most scientific approach, but she tells you to do it &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;slowly&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;  when you seem to need to do it faster, looking at your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what is left is the &lt;strong&gt;direct approach&lt;/strong&gt; advocated by more than one earlier answer. Since your mother seems to get upset at the mere mention of the topic, you do run the risk of upsetting her and earning her hostility, but it cannot be avoided if you want to get to the root of the problem. I think it can work if you present it clearly as &lt;em&gt;your own need to know what happened&lt;/em&gt;, without trying to lead her towards forgiveness just yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are willing to accept or at least express the idea that your mother &lt;em&gt;might not&lt;/em&gt; forgive these persons, then you can move towards your stated goal of getting Mom to tell you &lt;strong&gt;why not&lt;/strong&gt;, with the &lt;em&gt;very direct request for information&lt;/em&gt;, which I have used with success when my mother or father gets extremely set against some friend or relative without initially revealing the reason:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I can accept that you are not going to forgive this person. But could you help me to understand why not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Mother asks you why you want to know, you can say exactly what's in your mind, but worded rather diplomatically, such as for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It affects me and makes me anxious to see how upset you become just hearing her name and how you absolutely rejected her apology. They must have done something very hurtful that you just cannot forgive. What bothers me the most is the &lt;strong&gt;not knowing what&lt;/strong&gt;, so couldn't you tell me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might have to ask her calmly and persistently on a few different occasions before she tells you the reason. This very honest yet diplomatic approach can help not only to get her to tell you why she can't forgive those people, but also actually create space for her to eventually consider forgiving them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Follow-up questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once your mother has told you &lt;strong&gt;what&lt;/strong&gt; unforgivable thing they did to her, you can try to tactfully work into the discussion these 2 delicate but important questions (inspired by @Anne Daunted's pertinent &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/7849/381&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; elsewhere on IPS.SE):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Why&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; is what they did unforgivable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Do you think&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; she is sincerely trying to seek your forgiveness here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both these open-ended questions are intended not so much to enlighten you about the whole situation (although they will) but to stimulate your mother to think more logically about the problem of forgiveness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why does it work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This way &lt;strong&gt;you are asking for information and not for a specific course of action&lt;/strong&gt;. By stating up front that you don't expect her to forgive these persons, you no longer put her under pressure or on the defensive. That tells me she might be much more willing to tell you &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; she feels so strongly against them so many years after the event.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Once your mother relaxes enough to open up, &lt;strong&gt;she is also likely to think about the problem and about these persons in a less negatively emotional and more objective manner&lt;/strong&gt;. That in itself might lead her towards eventually forgiving those people.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As already noted by other members, it might be best to keep religion out of the whole discussion, but, I think, only until you get that perfect opportunity to engineer an act of Christian forgiveness! Your mother's religious beliefs make this  a very real future possibility, so you must keep that special card in reserve for that perfect occasion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-12-21T18:09:09.290" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T18:09:09.290" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-21T17:00:13.273" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why do you need to change how your mother views the neighbor or mend the relationship or mediate? Your mother doesn't want to have involvement, doesn't want to exchange cards or gifts, or attend get togethers. That shouldn't mean that you cannot have a decent neighborly relationship, send a card back, wish them well, and even attend the New Years get together. But your neighbor should understand that mending things with your mother is not something you can get involved with. Stay away from that. If they really want to be friends with you they will respect that. If they continue to want to use you to get things resolved with your mother, then stay away from that. But don't apologize for your mother or make her the bad guy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not able to carry on your own neighborly relationship without your mother giving you consequences, that is a different problem. Because all this happened nearly ten years ago, I am assuming you are an adult. You should be able to decide who you will or won't be friendly with -- just as your Mom is free to do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your bottom line question was: &quot;How can I have a talk about this with my mom, when only mentioning the subject pisses her off this much&quot;. Just change &quot;this&quot; from meaning &quot;repair the relations between Mom and neighbors&quot; and turn it into meaning &quot;getting Mom to accept that I won't carry her grudge too&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2675" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T17:00:13.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-21T18:15:30.717" Score="26" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You have inadvertently sided against your mother&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your own observations, it's clear that your mother is &lt;em&gt;deliberately&lt;/em&gt; rejecting communication from your neighbor. In response, you have been acting as an agent for your neighbor &amp;mdash; from your own description, you have&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;delivered communication from your neighbor that your mother deliberately did not want to hear&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;played advocate for your neighbor in trying to persuade your mother to give forgiveness&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have probably done other things as well without realizing; e.g. reacting in a way that radiates disapproval or asking questions in a way your mother interprets as accusatory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given what you have already done, it will probably be &lt;em&gt;incredibly difficult&lt;/em&gt; to press on in a way that does not reinforce the impression you on the neighbor's side. And I cannot really offer any advice on how to avoid that, beyond giving awareness of what you've probably done wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But do you really need to get involved? What are you trying to achieve?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get the impression you don't really have a concrete aim, and are simply meddling because of an abstract dissatisfaction that the world isn't in perfect harmony and are hoping to &quot;fix&quot; things. You should seriously consider if this is something that is really worth getting involved in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8195" LastActivityDate="2017-12-21T18:15:30.717" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-22T00:29:04.597" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I'd suggesting waiting a little bit before breaching the subject again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Judging from your mother's reaction, some time for her to calm down may well be needed.  I'd also point out that Christmas is often an emotional and stressful time for many people and not the best moment to raise potentially heavy issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's understandable that you're confused by your mother's behaviour, particularly if she's normally forgiving and presumably brought you up to be the same.  However, it is highly likely that there is information about the dispute with the neighbours that you're not privy to, as your parents quite rightly kept you out of conflict as much as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At a calm moment, try discussing the issue again.  Maybe start with an apology along &quot;I'm sorry if you felt I was taking their side over yours when we last spoke about this&quot;.  If you mother reacts badly straight away, drop it, and wait again, and longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try asking, similar to the way you have here.  &quot;Mom, help me understand.  You're normally so forgiving, and you brought me up to be the same.  What happened that you can't?&quot;.  Don't demand that she forgives, or say that she should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be worth writing to your mother with the above questions which will give her more space to answer, rather than a direct 'confrontation'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid you will have to very patient in this case.  Pressing ahead before your father gets home is likely to be counter-productive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10481" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T00:29:04.597" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-22T01:10:25.550" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First and most importantly...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;It is not your problem.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that you have moved back home. To your parents you are a child and you will forever be a child. Your Mom and Dad seemed to have drawn a line in the sand that you're for them or against them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To the neighbor...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm also sorry that there was a conflict between you and my parents. Unfortunately I can't mediate the matter.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try to mediate you will be caught between the immovable object and the irresistible force.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To your parents...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I know that there was a nasty conflict between you and the neighbors. I'm sorry that you are still so hurt by the matter. You have a right to your feelings.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then let it go, until (or unless) your parents ask you what you think about it. Trying to rationally discuss with your parents how they should think is absolutely futile. It reminds me of the old joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;QUESTION: Why shouldn't you try to teach a pig to sing?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;ANSWER: It frustrates you and annoys the pig.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a manager in IBM that had a wonderful saying: &lt;em&gt;Your perception is your reality.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you don't have to like it, but your parents are stuck in their perception. They obviously have come to their collective perception together. They will reinforce their perception with each other preferentially to any other's perception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;So do not put yourself in the middle and try to mediate.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6584" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T07:13:42.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8314" CreationDate="2017-12-22T06:24:04.980" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may sound like it's coming from way out in left field, but try to keep in mind that while her fears may seem ridiculous to you, they're really very real to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom has been in a bad way for a lot of years. Early onset Alzheimer's/dementia. I've slowly learned to roll with it, because I know I can't fix it. I'm not trying to say that your mom is that far gone, just saying it can be a useful interpersonal skill to develop before it goes that far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess I've learned to play my part in her delusions, so that I can redirect them when they become too difficult for her. Sometimes she thinks I'm one of her brothers, sometimes she thinks that I'm my father, and/or her ex-husband. Family resemblance is hard like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I pick up my mom from her residential care facility, she thinks I'm covertly breaking her out. I choose to play along because it's easier for her in the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: it's all good, Ma. I got the code for the door, so we can get out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: Are you sure I can leave with you? They don't let me leave. How are we going to get past the nurses?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: It's all good Ma. I know people who know people. They'll never know you were gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It absolutely breaks my heart to have to do this, but I know it's easier for her if I play along than it is to challenge her perception. She's paranoid, she doesn't remember all the other times we've played this game, so rather than telling her that she can't trust her own mind... I take the hit and &amp;quot;sneak her out, and back in again&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess what I'm getting at, is that, doctors and psychologists can only take you so far sometimes. Sometimes you have to be able to maintain a relationship with someone despite their  &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;ability&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; to view the world the way you do. If that means playing pretend occasionally, you're doing them a huge service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I empathize in a strange way. I know what it feels like to not trust my own mind and I know how much harder having other people pointing that out can be. Understanding their fears can make you an ally when they feel like the rest of the world has turned against them. It's just a matter of being willing to say...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's ok. We're on the same team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... until they're ready/able to get help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T06:24:04.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8314" CreationDate="2017-12-22T08:28:57.610" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe there are a few things you can do to start helping her recognize odd behaviour and move toward alternative thinking. To orient ourselves with what you're most likely dealing with, I noticed from these points some strong indicators of OCD:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Touring each room of the house to make sure everything was unplugged if not in use&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Feeling the oven/stove to make sure they weren't hot, even if nothing had been cooked that day&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Feeling around on the light switch (presumably to make sure it didn't feel hot)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Never leaves the house [because of worries about dogs' health, even though there is evidence that this is contrary to reality]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;[Our] relationship is being strained lately because of this&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Her actions make my dad and I feel belittled and untrusted&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OCD used to be categorized in anxiety disorders as it has a close relationship to them, but now has its own category (list of DSM-V changes from DSM-IV to V, p5). I won't list all the diagnostic criteria that is available but the main features are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Compulsive, obsessive, and repetitive behaviours. There is always a &lt;strong&gt;highly specific obsession&lt;/strong&gt; present, which leads to &lt;strong&gt;compulsive, ritualistic behaviours&lt;/strong&gt; that cause distress and impairment in significant areas of life and in relationships. &#xA;While a desire for organization and cleanliness is normal, it becomes abnormal when it becomes dysfunctional, distressing, deviant (far too different to be simply eccentric), or possibly dangerous to self or others (your mom seems okay RE that last one). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples of obsessions are germs and contamination, religion, symmetry, and death or injury in a particular manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples of compulsive behaviours are counting, checking, organizing, praying, and avoidant behaviours. Sufferers indeed isolate themselves, more so if they begin to experience more anxiety. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The best you can do besides bringing her to an experienced professional:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Slowly, and definitely not all at once, I think you can incorporate these things into your future dialogues with her while being patient and kind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her if she actually wants those thoughts (many people with OCD finally enter therapy after realizing they do not want these annoying thoughts any more)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her if checking actually helps&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask if she feels powerless against these ritualistic behaviours&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gently point out how much time her behaviours detract from her life and relationships&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gently point out how distressed she seems&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gently point out how other people do not experience this kind of worry, and give carefully chosen examples of what normal is&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gently ask that if she could, would she choose to be free of these anxieties/worries? (Purpose being: to open her mind to the &lt;em&gt;possibility of experiencing something different&lt;/em&gt;, and turning her mind to the question of &lt;em&gt;how to experience something different&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be understanding and supportive to ensure you remain a trusted emotional influencer to her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not necessarily mention OCD or anxiety if you feel she will automatically disbelieve you or be defensive&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other ideas I have that might be useful but might be totally terrible:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Read out articles you find on OCD, but instead of using the term OCD, refer to sufferers as 'a certain subset of people'. This is so she becomes more educated about symptoms and how they can be dysfunctional, and hopefully develops a curiosity about why only some people are this way.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have a few documentary nights to bond, and then slip in a short documentary about OCD before moving on to something else, not making a big deal about it&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still believe you can be of help in the interim, absolutely. However, she definitely needs a professional to fully excise her entrenched anxious thinking since she seems to be getting worse. This amount of constant stress is REALLY hard on the body, especially someone at her age. You can definitely get her to come around if you have a working relationship with her, I believe it just takes some sensitivity on when to back off and change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10185" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-06T06:56:24.557" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T06:56:24.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8360" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8361" CreationDate="2017-12-22T13:58:00.103" Score="9" ViewCount="1739" Body="&lt;p&gt;At work I have a close circle of about ten people that I interact with frequently. Then there are some eight people I do greet on the aisle, but we do not work closely together. And then there is a huge group of people I pass when traversing the premises (kind of factory workers) that I greet but generally do not know names or anything of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today, in my close circle we had a small office Christmas party, where naturally we shook hands and wished each other Happy Holidays. Also, everyone that came by my office today I shook hands with along with the greetings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On my way out I passed some of the more familiar co-workers, standing a few meters away from my route between smaller clusters of other workers I barely know. The familiar co-workers are maintenance people, the other, less known people are the ones working with the machines. There are some five groups like this on my route out, so I instinctively just shouted a collective 'Happy Holidays' to them, without shaking a hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I passed the office with the other eight closer colleagues. Again, I just peeked into the office and collectively wished everyone nice holidays. No hand-shaking there again obviously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not have any issues with physical contact, I am just not a fan of this handshaking-through-the-whole-office-routine. Also, if I meet someone in a more isolated or personal way, of course I shake hands. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I see it is either shaking hands with a bunch of people like a robot, or just give everyone a quick smile when looking through the room. To me, the latter feels more natural, in that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand I would like to be self-conscious of my actions and therefore started to ask myself if some people might consider my behavior rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the question arises: &lt;strong&gt;Is it considered rude to not shake hands when greeting a larger and/or less known group of people?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edits&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not declining handshakes offered to me, I just do not go up to a group of people and shake everyone's hands. Instead I greet them collectively.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10541" LastEditorUserId="10541" LastEditDate="2017-12-22T16:11:00.133" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T16:54:00.953" Title="Is it considered rude to not shake hands when wishing a group of people Happy Christmas and the like?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;&lt;groups&gt;&lt;austria&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T14:42:46.683" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8360" CreationDate="2017-12-22T14:02:55.120" Score="13" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it considered rude to not shake hands when greeting a larger and/or&#xA;  less known group of people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no hard and fast rule in terms of shaking hands when inserting yourself into a group for conversation purposes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A collective greeting is perfectly acceptable.  If you walk up to a group of folks, there is nothing wrong with just saying &quot;&lt;em&gt;Happy holidays everyone!&lt;/em&gt;&quot; or just &quot;&lt;em&gt;Hello everyone&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the collective greeting, if someone reached out to shake my hand, I would &lt;em&gt;reciprocate to the person who initiated the hand shake&lt;/em&gt;.  It would not be a surprise upon one person shaking your hand, that the rest of the group would do so too, &lt;em&gt;but I would let them initiate that action&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2017-12-22T14:19:57.970" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T14:19:57.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8360" CreationDate="2017-12-22T15:04:41.127" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would not consider it rude, indeed though &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; may not have an issue with physical contact and germ transmission, others may.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something I do when I'm unsure whether to go for handshakes or not (I'm fairly introvert and not good at social cues) is raise my right hand in greeting as I greet the group, this seems to act as a signal that that hand is 'available if anyone actively wants to shake but not in an awkward way' and sometimes people stick out their own mitts before I've lowered it and a round of hand-shaking ensues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T15:04:41.127" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8296" CreationDate="2017-12-22T15:17:00.963" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best tactic for this is deflection. Don't insult their charity, just deflect the target of it: if they offer you something for free, grab another one and ask them to give that one to someone who really needs it. If they refuse to take cash in hand, pop the cash into a charity collection (especially if they have one on the counter). If there aren't any other good options, resolve to them to pay it forward, maybe even back to them when a time comes that they really need it. If the social aspect of it is that crippling, keep an internal balance and resolve that with your own generosity to others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't think their approach is unquestionably bad business. Most businesses suffer things like spoilage, so a young business is well served learning to accommodate to not everything you stock selling at its intended retail price. Small businesses are also quite reliant on personal relationships and recommendations, so their impression on early customers may have a strong networking effect and be worth the investment. If they do overdo it, their business might fail- as many do- and they will learn a valuable lesson. There's no shame in that either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8424" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T15:17:00.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8360" CreationDate="2017-12-22T16:54:00.953" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it's not rude at all, may be you're doing a favor to some people who don't like shaking hands and as said in the comments, a &quot;happy holidays everyone&quot; is more than enough in work place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plus, sometimes people come from different cultures, and don't always celebrate christmas, so saying &quot;Happy holidays everyone&quot; without shaking hands is the best to do in workplace unless your one of your coworkers came to you and shakes hands :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10335" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T16:54:00.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="544" CreationDate="2017-12-22T16:55:01.407" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The one tried and true method for talking trash with your buddies is to &lt;strong&gt;OWN THE INSULTS THROWN AT YOU&lt;/strong&gt;. It sounds strange, but if you own the insult they threw at you, even elaborate on it and make it your own joke, nobody can hurt you. They will eventually have to abandon the joke all together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend A sends a picture of him eating a banana at a cafe with some friends in our group chat. Friend B cracks a joke about the banana and a sexual act. Friend A agrees, but says he wishes the banana was a bit bigger. Everyone laughs and moves on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if friend A got defensive that would be game over. &quot;No way guys, I don't like bananas like that!&quot; That's the time everyone else in the group chat would jump on him for the killing blows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you genuinely think your friends are trying to hurt you, they probably aren't your friends. Otherwise, roll with the punches!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7165" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T16:55:01.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8314" CreationDate="2017-12-22T19:51:58.470" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know whether your mother has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but as others have said, there are some indicators in your post that suggest that it might be helpful for your mother to be evaluated for OCD.  Unfortunately, it's not clear that your mother would cooperate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a situation somewhat analogous to that of a parent of a child with OCD (I am such a parent).  There are a couple of differences:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;An adult has a greater capacity of rational understanding than a child.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The son or daughter in a relationship has less direct influence on a parent's medical consultations and treatment than a parent has for a child.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is enough common ground here, that I think the analogy can be useful, and I will take inspiration from my experience with a child with OCD, and try to adapt it to your situation.  &lt;em&gt;The rest of my answer will be based on the &lt;strong&gt;unconfirmed&lt;/strong&gt; assumption that your mother is suffering from OCD.  In other words, I will take an OCD diagnosis as a &lt;strong&gt;working hypothesis&lt;/strong&gt; for my answer&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Learn about OCD and how it is treated.&lt;/strong&gt;  I have two sources of information to recommend, that have been particularly helpful for me -- but there are lots of other materials out there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://iocd.org&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The International OCD Foundation&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&amp;amp;view=category&amp;amp;id=36:ocd-and-related-subjects-by-frederick-penzel-phd&amp;amp;Itemid=64&amp;amp;layout=default&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Articles by Fred Penzel&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a Penzel quote, taken from &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&amp;amp;view=article&amp;amp;id=137:living-with-your-loved-ones-ocd-some-advice-for-significant-others&amp;amp;catid=36:ocd-and-related-subjects-by-frederick-penzel-phd&amp;amp;Itemid=64&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Living With Your Loved One’s OCD: Some Advice For Significant Others&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you have already fallen into the trap of participating in numerous compulsions, you will need to gradually withdraw. In many cases, this may require the help of a trained therapist who will explain to your ill partner why this is necessary for their recovery, and outline some gradual steps by which this can be accomplished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leads me to a classic solution to a classic problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you are suffering in a close relationship with someone who refuses to go to therapy...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Seek therapy for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If your therapist is interested in family systems, s/he may invite your loved one in, to provide background information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; open the door a chink for your mother and/or your father to seek treatment, but even if it doesn't, it could be very supportive for you, on its own sake, especially if you are able to find someone who has had some training in modern exposure methods of treating OCD.  I know from experience, the &quot;trap of participating in numerous compulsions&quot; can suck one in with the power of a shopvac -- because one is pedaling like crazy just trying to get through life with the person with OCD.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is another way to open a chink that might be helpful -- but you have to step very gingerly with this.  If one of your parents has any physical health concerns that they would like your support with, you might be permitted to accompany them to a regular doctor's appointment, and this might give you an opening to communicate your concerns to the doctor.  If you want to try this, I suggest using a very calm, neutral tone, and starting with a clear prologue along this lines: &quot;I'd like to share a concern with you about my parent. I don't want to cross any boundaries, so I won't be asking you for information -- I just want to &lt;em&gt;share&lt;/em&gt; some information with you.&quot;  Then give three succinct example of limitations your mother is experiencing, pause to answer any questions the doctor may have, and then hand a one-page synopsis to the doctor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Important note: In some areas it is difficult or impossible to find a therapist with training in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).  If there is no one where you live, consider telephone/Skype therapy (some insurance companies approve this, some don't), consider commuting, consider asking the IOCD for names of therapists, and consider asking someone local to attend an IOCD training event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Optional&lt;/em&gt;: If you are interested, &lt;a href=&quot;https://academia.stackexchange.com/questions/78068/is-there-a-place-in-academia-for-someone-who-compulsively-solves-every-problem-o/78073#78073&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; is a post I wrote that included some information about my son's ERP treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2017-12-22T19:51:58.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8375" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-23T04:02:01.007" Score="14" ViewCount="2442" Body="&lt;p&gt;Things are hopping in the neighborhood with new neighbors and new problems. Some are hard to believe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With three dogs, the youngest (6 months old) with reactivity issues (which usually show up at about 5 months), I thought it best to go ahead and get that fence. It was put up 6 days ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dog's reactivity takes the form of fear aggression: when he's afraid, he barks or lunges and barks (no bites... yet). I have a trainer, I consulted with a dog behaviorist, and my dog &quot;Bob&quot; is a lot better with people, but he is still reactive to new dogs. What a relief to get the fence! No more pulling the leash out of my hand and chasing after a jogger! No more wrapping a leash around my waist now every time I take him out! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My new next door neighbors have two dogs (&quot;Yesss!!!&quot;, I thought to myself.) When they moved in (about a week ago), I went over and introduced myself (my dogs were inside), made a bit of small talk, offered to help in any way I could, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two days ago, new neighbor &quot;Ted&quot; is out with his dogs in his yard. &quot;Cool,&quot; I thought, I'll introduce my dogs! I put a leash on &quot;Bob&quot; and headed into my yard. As soon as &quot;Ted&quot;'s dog (about 30 pounds heavier than &quot;Bob&quot;) sees &quot;Bob&quot;, he starts barking, which sets &quot;Bob&quot; off. He yanks the leash out of my hand and flies towards the fence, barking like a crazed animal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the fence wasn't cheap. It's a metal fence, 4.5&quot; tall, with (metal) balusters 3 7/8&quot; apart. (The 'hood HOD allows only two types of fence, this and vinyl.) So I was apologizing for my dog's barking as I ran after &quot;Bob&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then something unbelievable happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Bob&quot; pushed and twisted and &lt;strong&gt;got through the fence!&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Bob&quot; is not tiny; he's a 40 pound, muscular dog now. And this furry Houdini is barking in &quot;Ted&quot;'s barking dog's face. And &quot;Ted&quot; is (understandably) swearing at me, and I (understandably) am frantically trying to open the (unbeknownst to me; it was a new fence) locked gate and get to &quot;Bob&quot;, because unlike him, I can't squeeze through it. Finally I figure it out, grab my dog (who is no longer barking or snapping, but is now smelling &quot;Ted&quot;'s dog's butt and acting 1. like a normal dog and 2. like nothing out of the ordinary just happened. I, on the other hand, am falling all over myself apologizing, swearing at the fence, apologizing again, swearing at my now sweet dog, and babbling like an idiot while &quot;Ted&quot; turns from red to a normal color (I am still beet red with embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like the neighbors to think well of me. Though I apologized profusely and said I'd look into what could be done to the fence to prevent this from happening again, I think more is needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to underscore my apology to &quot;Ted&quot;? Flowers? A bag of dog treats? A BarkBox subscription?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T13:33:05.000" Title="My dog and I offended a new neighbor. How do we make it right?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8376" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-23T04:26:09.917" Score="0" ViewCount="218" Body="&lt;p&gt;Someone asks me &quot;Can you come to the game on Saturday?&quot;  I replied yes but thinking they are asking me a question and not actually tell me to come.  The asker assumed that I would come and got annoyed when I didn't show up.  Who is at fault?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10554" LastEditorUserId="10554" LastEditDate="2017-12-23T04:33:11.547" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T05:11:14.213" Title="Is &quot;Can you come to the game on Saturday?&quot; a question or a request?" Tags="&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-12-24T17:50:01.583" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8377" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-23T04:29:00.303" Score="25" ViewCount="24533" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; I don't like to shake hands and I'm looking for suggestions about how to turn people down without seeming rude or stand-offish; or how to prevent a handshake gesture from being initiated at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal background:&lt;/strong&gt; I live in the UK, am British, and have grown up in a &quot;typical&quot; White-Western culture.  I'm 30-years-old.  These facts may or may not be relevant to people's choice of answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No general problems with germs as a rule; some mild social anxiety on occasion unrelated to hand-shaking, but nothing of concern; some mild difficulties with social interaction that a few people (in a non-professional capacity) have likened to resembling a mild form of autism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Details of Dilemma:&lt;/strong&gt; I don't enjoy physical contact with most people, particularly strangers.  At the top of the list of physical social interactions that I find unpleasant—to the extent that it makes me uncomfortable or sometimes upset—is hand-shaking (sadly, something that most often occurs when meeting someone for the first time).  To be clear, I have no negative feelings about others shaking hands—seeing it take place doesn't offend me.  I just do not wish to have to do it myself, although I'm not incapable of obliging someone and remaining outwardly unfazed, despite inwardly recoiling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's reasonable to say that there is a societal expectation/pressure to accept someone's handshake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My three main modes of action, in the order of most-to-least commonly performed, are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Accept the handsake&lt;/strong&gt;, and the negative feelings it generates inside me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Directly decline&lt;/strong&gt;, stating that &lt;em&gt;&quot;I do not shake hands&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.  This would be a great option were it always as successful as I would wish it to be.  A few rare individuals seem to respond well, out of respect or admiration for having asserted my preference against an accepted norm.  But, more often, it creates an awkward response in the other person, leaving them not knowing what to think or say to that.  It likely creates a poor first impression for these people, who I tend to feel are then less likely to want to engage with me socially thereafter.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore the offer&lt;/strong&gt;, pretending as though I did not see them extend their hand (perhaps timing it with a turn away to point out something as a distraction).  This is basically a lie of omission, which is fine; somewhat cowardly perhaps; but something I'm quite unskilled at doing effectively and making it look natural.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is there anything I could or ought to be doing differently in order to minimise the risk of causing offence or dissuading others from wishing to engage with me further ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are there any good strategies to prevent handshaking from being offered in the first place ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does anyone else share my dislike of this social practice ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don't feel obliged to answer each and every itemised question.  A general response is fine, too.  I broke it down for clarity.  Thank you in advance for any insight people have to offer.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10471" LastEditorUserId="10471" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T19:31:26.390" LastActivityDate="2019-05-19T17:04:19.530" Title="How to refuse to shake hands without offending the other party?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;social-cues&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8378" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8376" CreationDate="2017-12-23T05:07:37.587" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems that you are at fault. If someone asks you &quot;can you come to ___?&quot;, that typically means &quot;can you come to ____ with me?&quot;. If the person had instead asked, &quot;were you planning on going to the game?&quot; then that question is a bit more ambiguous, since it is implying that you could be intending to attend the game with someone else. It never hurts to ask for clarification (for example, &quot;do you want to go together?&quot;) if you're unsure. Hope that helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10555" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T05:07:37.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8379" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8376" CreationDate="2017-12-23T05:11:14.213" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;At fault? You are. They asked you if you could (read: would) go to the game, and you answered, &quot;Yes.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Life and language aren't logic puzzles. Language isn't math.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It reminds me of a wonderfully funny scene in a Pink Panther movie. Inspector Clouseau sees a man and a cute little dog standing by his side. He is attracted to the dog, and asks the man, &quot;Does your dog bite?&quot; The man answers, &quot;No.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inspector Clouseau reaches down to pet the dog, who reacts viciously, biting him in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hurt, Clouseau says to the man, &quot;I thought you said your dog doesn't bite.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;He doesn't,&quot; answers the man. &quot;That's not my dog.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hilarious because no one expects the man to interpret the question &quot;Does your dog bite?&quot; so literally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, that's how language works. &quot;Can you come to my birthday party?&quot; does not mean, &quot;Are you physically able to transport yourself places, for example, to the place where my birthday party is being held?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Can you come to my birthday party?&quot; is an invitation, as is &quot;Can you come to the game on Saturday?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T05:11:14.213" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8380" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8385" CreationDate="2017-12-23T05:59:56.077" Score="6" ViewCount="651" Body="&lt;p&gt;Small talk is something that I have trouble with. Most advice that I can find is quite US-centric, like asking people what they are looking forward to. In my country this would be quite strange. Conversely, &quot;where are you heading?&quot; is quite acceptable here, but may be considered suspicious elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems small talk conventions are quite culture-specific. I'll soon be moving to Germany for work. In what settings is it appropriate to make small talk there? What are some topics that are acceptable without being boring? (e.g. the weather) What topics should be avoided? (besides the obvious like the nazi era) Does it make sense to broach &quot;controversial&quot; topics like immigration, once you've got the ball rolling?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10436" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-12-23T14:09:48.187" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T14:11:06.173" Title="Conventions for small talk in Germany as a non-German English speaker" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8375" CreationDate="2017-12-23T06:03:08.623" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It kinda looks like you've already answered your own question here. You explained, apologized, and now you're looking to underscore your apology with a gift. Seems like you've got the situation well in hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably lean towards a dog related gift. Dog treats seem like a good choice for most any dog owner, a magazine subscription may not be everyone's thing and may go unread, but treats are pretty universal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A word of caution about apology gifts for people you don't know very well... Try not to go overboard. These are more symbolic gifts, where it really is the thought that counts. A overly extravagant/expensive gift may come across as a &quot;buy off&quot;. You're reenforcing a social contract not paying for the offence directly. (You'll likely be paying for the offence directly if/when the actual fence issue is resolved.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind, if you really want to go above and beyond, consider inviting them over for dinner or something along those lines. It's not just about an apology at that point, it's setting a better tone for a neighborly relationship moving forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T06:03:08.623" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8377" CreationDate="2017-12-23T09:24:56.403" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to answer this from an aspie perspective, because that's my experience and it kinda sounds like that may be relevant here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't know I was autistic till I was 29. I was raised with a typical western, working class &quot;you know a man by his handshake&quot; model. Being aspie this always seemed odd to me, but I've learned that it does tell you certain things about someone. Calloused hands usually tell you a little about someone's line of work. As do things like pressure, aggression, timing, and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being aspie, I realize that sometimes there's difficulty in processing sensory information on top of social/verbal information. I'm asking my brain to do gymnastics by giving it all of this new information at the same time. It gets easier with practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not something that I do intuitively, it was a learned skill. One of the first things I learned in my family is that these things are important to some people and they'll be inclined to judge you on it. Not saying that's right, or fair, just saying that they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your options for dealing with a handshake issue/problem, while maintaining mutual respect, end up being:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Openly declining&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Learning a new skill&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I find that the learning new skills approach helps me to navigate the neurotypical world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, very often, understanding why people do these things helps me to deal with my feelings about them. In the case of handshakes, it's a bit like dogs sniffing butts. Sort of a human way of saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm going to drop my guard momentarily, so that you can get to know a little more about me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much like sniffing, both parties in a handshake are exchanging sensory information about each other. Some will try to portray certain qualities in a handshake, but in my experience, false flags are pretty obvious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess what I'm getting at is that this aversion to shaking hands is something that can be overcome with practice, and that you can learn a little bit about people by doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you absolutely must avoid it. Be direct and honest about why you're avoiding it. Because that sends a message as well.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Handshakes are all about nonverbal communication, something that autistic people tend to have a hard time with. If you can't do it, find another way to convey that information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that always helped me to reconcile my personal feelings about handshakes was the thought &quot;At least they didn't try to hug&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-12-23T09:33:08.767" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T09:33:08.767" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8385" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8380" CreationDate="2017-12-23T10:11:37.137" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: I'm from Germany.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, small talk topics vary greatly by person. A safe one is to start off with the weather, especially if the weather is remarkable in some way. But usually, talk about something that presents itself. At a train station? Talk about where they're going and where you're going. At a bus stop? Same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking people what they look forward to is probably not a good idea right away, at least I've never seen anyone do that in normal small talk with someone you don't know yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth noting that German culture is generally &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; reserved towards people you don't know, the idea of just making small talk with everyone next to you is a bit alien to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you're speaking English or show signs that you come from elsewhere, you'll suddenly become very interesting. Lots of Germans learn English in school and want to practice their English, so you'll be engaged in conversation quite often. This can be a detriment too, since you won't get that much opportunity to learn German by immersion when everyone wants to practice their English on you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-12-23T14:11:06.173" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T14:11:06.173" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8375" CreationDate="2017-12-23T13:33:05.000" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Show your neighbor that your words have meaning by backing them with action, by making sure it won't happen again, now that your dog has proven that he can escape your fence whenever he really wants to: buy a solid vinyl fence, since that's the only other fence allowed by your neighborhood association.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7295" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T13:33:05.000" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8387" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8393" CreationDate="2017-12-23T14:53:46.190" Score="7" ViewCount="10341" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine calls for support. The common theme is she is a victim.  From the tone of her voice I can tell when she just wants to vent.  I can repeat literally 40 times &quot;yes that is not fair&quot;. If I offer my input she will get mad and often just hang up on me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell her that getting mad and hanging up on me is not working for me?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I just wait a few days and tell her I am sorry I upset her.  Not willing to continue with that.  If she is going to get mad and hang up on me then I would rather just not talk to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We dated years ago and she got mad back then.  Now we meet up for lunch like every couple months.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2017-12-23T20:09:07.187" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T10:33:54.137" Title="Friend gets mad and hangs up on me" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8387" CreationDate="2017-12-23T15:21:58.020" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How can I tell her that getting mad and hanging up on me is not working for me?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You tell her that.  We all want to support our friends; that's what friendship is.  However, friendship is overall a reciprocal action - you do something for your friend and at some point your friend does something for you.  No one keeps score, but in a solid friendship it somehow evens itself out.  If one party is just taking and not putting anything back, it's hard to call that a friendship.  Apologize when you are in the wrong or might be in the wrong, but one party continually apologizing is also not a sign of a healthy friendship, either.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not necessary to be overly blunt with her, but she needs to understand that you do not have infinite time and patience for that behavior.  Perhaps something along the lines of &quot;When we talk about this, it ends with my being hung up on.  That doesn't help me at all.  What are you looking for?&quot;  Then, work it out from there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some people who always see themselves as victims.  No matter how you handle this, she may see you as being unsupportive.  All you can do is establish limits with her.  If this continues after your first attempt, then still interact with her but when she calls to say how she is yet another victim, I'd suggest &quot;the last time we talked about this, I was hung up on.  I'm sorry, but I don't have the strength to continue with this.  Let's talk about something else.&quot;  And then guide the conversation elsewhere.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T15:21:58.020" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8387" CreationDate="2017-12-23T15:42:57.857" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From the tone of her voice I can tell when she just wants to vent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can tell that she wants to vent then why offer her your input? This isn't what she is looking for and this is why she gets mad and hangs up. She doesn't want you to tell her what you think. She just wants you to listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now from your question it seems-and correct me if I'm wrong- that you might be tired of just repeating yourself. So you are basically trapped. On one hand, if you do what she wants you to do-just listen and repeat yourself-it affects you to the point it forces you to give her your opinion. And when you do that she gets upset with you. So you are both playing a game and you probably got tired of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be honest with her and ask her how she would like you to help and be supportive&lt;/strong&gt;, otherwise don't say anything, listen to her vent or rant and when she's done, ask her if she cares to know what you think (though she seems to have reached a point where she's going on circles. She most likely knows what you think but doesn't want to accept it or act on it or change the situation). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or change the subject or talk about you. If she continues to get mad or put you in a position where you end up  offering suggestions or advice when it clearly hasn't been effective, just tell her politely either on the phone or in person that it seems that you aren't able to help her anymore because you either have to repeat yourself which drains you (if it does) or be tricked into offering advice which she clearly rejects by getting mad and hanging up. Your friend seems either to not be able to or be ready to change whatever it is she complains to you about. There isn't much you can do here. It's basically up to you to enable or not enable her behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something helpful is to use her own arguments or examples from your discussion to defend your position. You could tell her that every time she says A, it forces you to do B, which makes her do C (gets mad and so on). &#xA;Don't be afraid to address that and ask her what she would do in your situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your comment to my answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the fact that she won't accept your help when you seem to know how to help her, bothers you so much, ask her why. Find out why she won't. Tell her if you feel rejected or offended, be open about your feelings without being rude to her. Her answer might give you more clues as to whether this is her not really wanting to be helped, or not trusting you can help her, or there could be other reasons. I don't know if you only talk on the phone but this seems like a discussion you might need to have in person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-12-23T19:30:21.703" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T19:30:21.703" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8391" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-23T17:47:01.720" Score="-2" ViewCount="911" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like a girl who is dealing with a break up since June. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We work in the same office building but in different departments. We hardly see each other at work. I am 27 and she is 26. She is a German and I am not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We went out just a couple times for coffee and lunch before I told her how I feel. She said she wants to be single for at least a year. She had watery eyes when she told me about her former lover. The relationship lasted for 5 years. So, I believe that she is just not coming up with an excuse. Since, things are not clear, I want to wait. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am ready to give her time and space, but how should I proceed? Text once a week or meet twice a month? I don't want her to feel that I am pressurizing her and also not completely vanish from her life. I am not good at gauging such situations, so I need a detailed course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10560" LastEditorUserId="10560" LastEditDate="2017-12-23T18:20:22.667" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T20:15:37.767" Title="Win over a girl who is going through a break up" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-23T21:39:57.980" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8377" CreationDate="2017-12-23T18:08:18.813" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;I knew a guy who put both of his palms together in front of his chest - like praying - and then bowed in front of the other person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He did get strange looks, but the other person usually responded with a bow and shaking hands was never considered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By folding hands, he signaled on an implicit level he didn‘t have a hand free for shaking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="9437" LastEditDate="2017-12-24T21:20:57.560" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T21:20:57.560" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8393" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8387" CreationDate="2017-12-23T18:17:01.637" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;When she hangs up on you, don't initiate contact with her after that. Don't phone her back and apologize. Don't contact her in any way. You don't want to talk to her when she behaves like that, so just don't initiate contact with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has learned that hanging up on you is acceptable behavior. It's not. By stepping away you are removing from her the chance to talk to you. If she can't have a conversation on your terms, then she can't talk to you at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she does eventually make contact with you and asks where you've been and how come you haven't called, you say that she hung up on you, so you thought she didn't want to talk to you anymore. If you want to, you can elaborate about it and say she hurts your feelings when she does that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she wants to talk, she needs to learn to do it as an adult on your terms. If she can't, back off and don't initiate contact until she can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T18:17:01.637" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8391" CreationDate="2017-12-23T18:39:07.717" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would continue exactly the same. Go out for coffee with her. Be her friend. If you can wait, then take the time to get to know her better as friends. What she needs now is stability. Be that stability and friendship for her. Currently she is (effectively) grieving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And don't expect anything. Don't expect her to rush, don't expect June to come and suddenly she's interested. This will take time. And there is no guarantee that she'll be interested at the end of it, and you need to be okay with that. If you can't be okay with that, then you need to question if you want to be friends at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T18:39:07.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8396" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-23T18:49:36.287" Score="8" ViewCount="1636" Body="&lt;p&gt;It was a time when I was struggling with my OCD, and as this felt like enough trouble, I lightheartedly let go of social norms. I wore my hair mid-length (under a baseball hat; I am male), as the illness made it fairly difficult to groom it. I suppose my appearance, as well as my behavior, made me look kinda out of this world (although never displayed any overtly OCD behavior in front of the clerks in question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had recently gotten into the habit of shopping for meals at the meal stand at the local supermarket. The clerks at that stand were usually the same 2 women, maybe 30 years my senior. One of them (or maybe both) looked like they're stuck with a crappy life and are thus bitter, though they behaved normal on the surface.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every day I went to that stand and said &quot;Hi :) &lt;em&gt;this-and-this meal&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;in a plastic bag please&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;. I'm not sure how this sounds to english ears, but I said it in my native language, and it sounded fairly normal to me. In my language I didn't need to use the word &quot;plastic&quot;; it was implied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The meals in that place are supposed to be taken home. The clerks put them in a flimsy, leaking plastic box for you, so if you don't take precautions, a big fraction of the time the meal (or at least its grease) gets smeared all over your other purchases as you carry it home. That's the reason I had taken to requesting my meal box to be put in one of the (small, free, tied) bags they usually use for sausages. I have no idea how common my request was, but I do know other clerks put the box into such a bag for me without me even having to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On maybe the 10th or 15th day, I had only gotten to saying &quot;&lt;em&gt;this-and-this meal&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and the older woman turned to the other, did an ugly grin and said in a hushed, mocking voice &quot;...&lt;em&gt;in a plastic bag please&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. The other woman joined her in her hushed mocking. I pretended I had not heard her, but I felt hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, since I was not well mentally, I felt that if I came to that stand again, I would get intrusive thoughts about how they mocked me, and I would feel very awkward, since we both would know that they don't respect me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never went there again for maybe 3-4 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I'm glad to say my OCD is hardly present anymore, so I shop there again with little negative feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now I'm afraid that if something similar happens (in the 5 years since that incident, nothing of this magnitude has), I'll feel pressured and will again suppress all of my possible reactions, leading to bad feelings and future awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, I'd like to learn some &quot;social hack&quot; to utilize in such situations, that lets me both maintain my dignity and not ruin my relationship with the rude person. So I don't want to report the rudeness to the store manager.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More recently (1 year ago) I had a similar incident in a gym, which I can describe on request. It ended badly for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/2625/anne-daunted&quot;&gt;Anne Daunted&lt;/a&gt;'s comment on my previous posting of this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You want to know how to best respond when you order your meal in a plastic bag again and the clerk says to their colleague in a mocking way &quot;... in a plastic bag please ...&quot;? And you want to be polite? Else it's too broad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was aiming for a broader interpretation of the question, but since that's too broad, yes, your interpretation is acceptable. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10561" LastEditorUserId="1959" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T17:30:55.047" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T17:48:44.997" Title="How to react to clerks mocking me in the grocery store?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;bulgaria&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T14:20:43.803" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8398" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8396" CreationDate="2017-12-23T19:23:27.427" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Exactly, I see you remember your customers habits, I couldn‘t have expressed this better myself!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...could be an option that puts the clerk‘s behavior into a frame of achievement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In communication, we cannot know the sender’s intention (but guess it), but surely its effects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if the clerk’s intention was to mock you, this response is counter-intuitive because it responds to “mocking” with “praising achievement”. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The praiser is by definition at or above eye-level to the praised, so it is responding at or above eye level to feeling mocked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: to return the mock, you could...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Completely wrong, Madam! ( pause and keep looking at them to let it sink in ) .... &lt;strong&gt;Two&lt;/strong&gt; plastic bags today! (smile)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="9437" LastEditDate="2017-12-23T21:19:24.953" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T21:19:24.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8387" CreationDate="2017-12-23T20:12:46.597" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds as if you're annoyed by her victim mentality and offering suggestions just pisses her off and she hangs up. And by what I'm reading you feel frustrated that she does this to you. Does that sound about right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know some excellent ways to handle people like this so I'll chime in with some of my time tested techniques you can decide what works. Also keep in mind there are numerous ways to approach situations like this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of the problem from what I can gather is you and her have a different approach. At least in this context, you are more of a problem solver and she is more of a seek support and understanding type.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 1&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try reversing the roles or at least switch tactics. I am not saying you have to be a victim, but play the part of the one in need. In other words make her the problem solver by asking her lots of questions about what she would do to solve your problem (made up or otherwise). Engage her brain, by asking for advice. Do this on a consistent basis and she will start to become conditioned to think in a more analytical way when she's around your. Either that or she'll get tired of solving your problems and avoid you (which can't be all that bad from what it sounds)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 2&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have another similar approach that works well for me.I am a fiction writer so I am pretty good at making up stories and character development. You know the subject matter which she is venting about? Create a fictional character just like her and assign him/her the same mentality and same problems. Lets call him Joe from work and he has this problem. Next time you talk to her, say, &quot;This guy Joe, from work has this problem, and I want to help him&quot; &quot;What should I tell him?&quot;  By doing this you are giving her an outsiders view of her self without her feeling criticized, and this will allow her to bring up solutions from her subconscious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 3&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This option also works well if you are emotionally chill (like me). Just pretend you care even if you don't. Try it. You don't have to get emotional with her, but agree with everything she says. Try to stay as neutral as possible. Ask her lots of questions so she'll think you are interested, but slowly shift her in the direction of solving the problems. If you are are cool you can get her to think she came up with the solution. She'll think you're the best person in the world. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 4&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cut her loose if you're fed up. You can go no contact or slowly fade out. The problem I find with cutting people loose is there are people in the world of similar mindset. You'll likely run into someone like her. Best learn some skills. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10566" LastEditorUserId="10569" LastEditDate="2017-12-24T07:12:13.390" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T07:12:13.390" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8401" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-23T20:37:23.000" Score="9" ViewCount="1484" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Some Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a college student, currently a junior. Part of a large-ish diverse group of friends, split across two six person suites. I've been in this group and friends with these people, for a little over 2 years now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously the entire group doesn't hang out all the time, everyone has different schedules, workloads, lives, etc. But often smaller sets of people hang out, and sometimes larger meetups.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I noticed this semester that I wasn't really seeing anyone/hanging out with anyone this semester, and just thought it was because everyone was busy and we we're all only occasionally meeting up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well it turns out that a lot of my other friends were meeting up several times a week to hang out, eat, and do stuff, including at night. At first I was a little jealous because I was, for some reason not invited to these, but marked it off as being with just a few select people. Then it turns out that it is quite a bit more people than they let on who are actively getting together/meeting up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also noticed that it is only me initiating  online conversations, so I just stopped being the one to put in all the effort, and what do you know, nobody messages me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How do I react to this?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel extremely hurt by this, and my first thoughts are that maybe I was an asshole? Offputting? Or something else going on that they not only don't invite me to anything, but kind of cover-up or go out of their way to minimize or not make a big deal out of these things (as well as the fact that nobody is messaging me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked a few people and told them to be brutally honest with me if there was some issue with me/if I was a jerk, etc. And they just said that it wasn't me, it was the group being bad friends, but i'm not really convinced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry for the long post. I'm not sure what to do, how to handle this, as I'm feeling extremely lonely while theoretically surrounded by people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To help paint the picture a bit better, earlier in the semester a bunch of them were organizing some massive day-out in the town nearby or something, that was supposed to be a great day of doing some things in town, and drinking and hanging out. When I heard about this all they said was that it was invite only. Later, when I brought it up (they were talking about it) they just ignored me and changed the subject. So realizing I wasn't going to be invited, I planned to go to a conference that weekend. Of course, the day before the weekend, they find out in going off to a conference and &lt;strong&gt;then&lt;/strong&gt; say that I'm missing this event and that I should go, knowing full well that I can't go, and that I was not invited in the first place. I'm pretty sure they just did this so they could act/say I was invited in the first place, knowing full well I never actually was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10567" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T04:22:33.810" Title="How to handle finding out your friends are getting together without you?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8404" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8401" CreationDate="2017-12-23T22:38:44.640" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say invite some of these people to a group activity that's also convenient for them to attend within reason. Try this once or twice to gauge their level of interest. If they turn you down or flake more than once, at least you know where you stand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For how you are feeling right now, all you can do is be patient, and try to be objective. If you think there may be something you are doing that causes them to want to avoid you, try to improve that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would definitely recommend reading books on how to improve your social skills. Even if you are good at socializing you could still learn something to improve on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, try not to feel too discouraged. Keep working on yourself and little by little you'll find people wanting to invite you out more often. Who knows, after a little while, those people who didn't invite you before might suddenly take more interest in you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10569" LastActivityDate="2017-12-23T22:38:44.640" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7087" CreationDate="2017-12-24T00:39:47.123" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, it depends a bit on what you define a relationship to be.  For example, does it mean:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're monogamous with each other (assuming that's your wish)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your going to be there for each other in times of trouble&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There's strong mutual emotional feelings &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There's strong mutual trust and you can talk openly and honestly to each other&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you know what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It then also depends on what she defines a relationship to be - ask, don't assume.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, 1.5 months is very soon to be classified as a relationship. I believe many people would be slightly taken back at considering it a relationship after a short time (esp. not knowing each other previously).  Some might even panic and run away at the suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, whilst it's perfectly possible to be infatuated (&lt;em&gt;verknallt&lt;/em&gt;) it's probably too soon to be in love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you've described, I'd say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're 'seeing each other'.  This is more than FwB, but not a full-on relationship.  Enjoy it for what it is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You'll need to be patient&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pressuring in to 'relationship' status, especially this early on, could well be counter-productive&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also curious about what you hope to achieve by establishing a relationship so early. Is it 'Do you feel about me as much as I feel about you?', or 'Please don't sleep with some-one else' or something else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep telling her that you really like her.  Back this up with your actions.  Don't expect her to reciprocate (verbally) - from what you've described, it will take time for her to open up.  Consider asking her, without prejudice, &quot;How do you see us at the moment?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10481" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T00:39:47.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8408" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-24T09:48:42.863" Score="1" ViewCount="171" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are certain clubs in our school where students can pursue their interests. Eg., debate, football, drama, IT. Students are free to chose any of them and only few people get to be in the IT club, where things like Scratch(an animation software which can be easily learnt through self-exploration), app inventor(same type). I am one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After many days, some members and I were selected for an innovation challenge(essay-writing) and I chose transportation along with my teammates. I did everything, including consulting an English teacher, writing the essay and collecting whatever information was needed, but not copying it down in a sheet. According to me, it had something innovative. I found later that our work had not been selected by the principal but an other group. Also, my teammates and I were enlisted in their group, thus  making the group bigger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was called in school to type their essay, which did not speak about their innovation, but rather things which are already/about to be innovated by other famous companies. I was frustrated after seeing it and then began to criticize I openly to the members. Also, I told them that it was an innovation challenge. I even refused to give my name after the essay. To make myself worthy give my name in it, I added few points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a person, I am very introverted and totally hate working in teams. If I work in a team, I either take all the “main” responsibilities, i.e., be the leader or hate the situation. How do I develop my team spirit and how do I become more of an extrovert? Also, whenever I think of showing extrovert attitude by dancing or telling a joke in front of others, I think of myself negatively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10572" LastEditorDisplayName="user10572" LastEditDate="2017-12-24T13:11:04.957" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T13:11:04.957" Title="How to enjoy working in a team?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-12-24T12:06:16.543" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8408" CreationDate="2017-12-24T12:08:28.710" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in your situation and as I think this question over I continue to be in similar situations that require a different approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's first look at your mindset. You are convinced you are an introvert. That's totally fine. But with that mindset, &quot;I'm an introvert&quot; becomes a filter, a set of behaviors, and a limited way of thinking. Here is what is likely to happen as a result of this feeling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may subconsciously reject beneficial new experiences with other people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your interpersonal skills can weaken because if you believe yourself to be an introvert, then why bother sharpening them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It can lead to cyclical thinking, wherein you might feel lonely, but reject opportunities to be part of something bigger than you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I too like you have many introvert traits, but over time I have seen the benefits of developing extrovert traits without sacrificing who I am, nor have I had to play the leadership role in doing so. Along the way, I have experienced several benefits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A feeling of shared growth. There is something about sharing a common goal that creates a feeling of bonding and connection with others. It's ineffable and can't really be experienced by going it alone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The ability to combine resources to complete a big project that one person would take years to or never finish.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The feeling of belonging and being supported. To have your teammates give you a boost when you need it and you do the same. That feeling you don't have to be on top of everything all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here is something else to consider. You don't have to be a team player a hundred percent of the time. You can be in team mode when you are with the group and doing team stuff. You can allocate a percentage of your day and focus to the team, and also be a introvert when you are not. It's all about  finding your level of comfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you considered how being a team player can positively benefit you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10569" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T12:08:28.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8410" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-24T13:21:34.963" Score="2" ViewCount="1436" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 13-year-old boy of eighth standard. I am neither very unpopular, nor very popular in school. E.g., everyone knows me because I am a &quot;good student&quot;(because I get good grades), thus I am popular. But, I am not really good at gossip, chitchat etc, thus I am unpopular. Also, I think everyone likes me and stays by my side when someone bullies me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Among my school friends/mates, I like almost everybody. But there is one friend whom I am having a lot of trouble with. He is a kind of bully, rather emotional or mental than physical. Once, another mate in school spread a rumor about me that I winked someone of my opposite sex(which is considered flirting in our class), he then spread that rumor further and also bullied me a lot of times regarding it. Since, he is way more popular than me, a teacher's pet and he gets more grades than I do. I found it very difficult to complain against him to the teacher for about seven months. Then I finally did, but the teacher did not take any actions(she might have forgotten it). But like before, he has found a lot of ways to harass me, e.g., calling me a miser(which may be evinced from the situations that I don't carry pocket money or I don't use a lot of pages for homework), snatching my glasses, calling me stupid, slapping me, insulting me in front of my other friends, taking credit for things I did etc. Also, when I tell a word which is not a swear word but he and others thinks it to be so, he tells it to everyone; which he does not do for others. I used to enjoy all these some days ago before the rumor was spread. But I do not do it now.&#xA;I have told him a lot of times that I did not enjoy that, even after he apologized, he started it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is, he sits beside me and I want to tell my teacher to change my place to someone sensible, but I am not getting the courage to do it, so how do I tell it to her? Also, if she disagrees to do so, how do I make myself happy with him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10572" LastEditorDisplayName="user10572" LastEditDate="2019-05-15T03:14:44.303" LastActivityDate="2019-05-15T03:14:44.303" Title="How to deal with bullies who are teacher's pets?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-24T21:09:30.340" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8411" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8410" CreationDate="2017-12-24T15:01:22.700" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;For rumors, I'd suggest you just ignore it. I know it looks like taking a coward's way out but school bullies thrive on attention. They would keep doing the same as long as they are getting a reaction from you. If you just laugh off the rumors, they stop being 'Fun' for the people spreading it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you can't ignore someone physically hurting you. You should immediately inform your parents and teacher/counselor. You can ask your parents to talk to your teacher regarding location change (if you are worried to do the same).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T15:01:22.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8412" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8410" CreationDate="2017-12-24T15:09:42.963" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sound like classic bullying.  Popular kids can be bullies.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should not have to learn to be happy with it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you keep a list of his bully actions and report to your teacher again.  Ask to be moved.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your teacher does nothing then you and your parents should talk to the principal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bullying is serious.  Your teacher should take action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2017-12-24T17:44:57.283" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T17:44:57.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8410" CreationDate="2017-12-24T19:46:35.187" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with both answers so far, that it might be helpful to involve your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you informed one staff person, who did nothing, then it's probably a good idea to inform someone different at the school this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping a log, as suggested by @Paparazzi, is also a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can check what the rules are at your school, that would be helpful.  For comparison, where I live (New York State, U.S.), there are several types of rules that are designed to protect students from bullying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;state law (Dignity for All Students Act) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;school district policy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;school Code of Conduct&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the student who is on the receiving end has a disability, there's an additional one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;federal law (Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully the rules where you go to school include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;guidelines for what a school is supposed to do when bullying is reported&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;protection from retaliation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be helpful to know what is &lt;em&gt;supposed&lt;/em&gt; to happen when you file a report.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Believe it or not, in spite of all four of those rules theoretically applying with regard to my son, we have nevertheless had some frustrating experiences, with reports being ignored, or, worse, triggering retaliation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I suggest that do two things: report, yes, of course -- this should always be done; but also, work with a counselor, social worker or therapist, at the same time.  You can work together to find ways to be less emotionally vulnerable to that student's crap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T19:46:35.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8334" CreationDate="2017-12-24T20:26:29.277" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of months ago, I was at an uncle's funeral. Another estranged uncle of mine with his wife was attending as well. This is a really close relative whom I haven't spoken to in almost twenty years. &#xA;His wife approached me when he wasn't around and bravely and politely said something like &quot;I really hope you put what happened behind you and started talking again because it's a shame you guys aren't in good terms after all these years&quot; and even invited me to their house. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My response was &quot;Well, you can't rush these things (funny it's been twenty years one would say)... &quot;both parties need to feel ready...&quot; and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I avoided looking and talking to my uncle and so did he until the funeral was over and I went home.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear. My uncle hasn't apologized for anything (nor will it make it more soothing for me), nor have I not forgiven him. But it's been twenty years and I still don't feel comfortable talking to him or hanging out with him. I'm not as upset as I used to but this doesn't mean I want to have a relationship with him. Will I ever? I don't know yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I mentioned this is to demonstrate that length of time passed after a stressful or traumatic event, doesn't mean people are ready to put it behind, with or without an apology, with or without a mediator. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if your mom was to forgive your neighbor, she may still not want to talk to her. That's her right. And the neighbor, who may or may not be sincere or manipulative needs to respect that. She hasn't done anything wrong now by wanting or trying to re conciliate but she probably needs to be gently told (by you) that your mom isn't ready and may not be for an X number of years...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom's anger about the  Xmas card, the apology and so on, may mean lots of different but related things,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She is still upset about what happened because what happened was too stressful and possibly even traumatic&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She currently feels too proud and forgiving your neighbor might mean your neighbor has won (in the end) and doesn't want to give her the satisfaction. She may still be in battle mode. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She feels too pressured to forgive your neighbor when she isn't ready and you reminding her by showing her the card and reading it to her, isn't making it easier.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She is ambivalent about how she feels about the neighbor and her attempts for reconciliations and doesn't know how to handle her feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She doesn't like that you got involved and wants you to stay out of it. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me the whole thing sounds more of a different problem. The fact that your mom won't open up to you, perhaps that she refuses to communicate to you about what really happened rather than why she won't accept a sincere (or not) apology from your neighbor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If being kept out of it  makes you feel your mom isn't treating you like an adult or that you're in the middle and feel it's unfair, then say so calmly. You might even need to have a discussion with the neighbor about you not wanting to be put in that position when it affects your mother so much. (Out of curiosity, have you considered asking the neighbor what happened back then that angered your mom so much?) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this was me and my mom, I would pick a good moment when she was calm and receptive and asked that she listened to me. Then I would more or less say something &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, I appreciate that in the past you tried to protect me by keeping&#xA;  me out of what happened with the neighbor but I'm not away from home&#xA;  anymore and this isn't helping me understand why you get so upset. You&#xA;  got mad about the Christmas card, even angrier when I read you the&#xA;  card and mentioned the New Year's Eve invitation. Mom, it has been&#xA;  four years. I'm not asking you to forgive her, nor forget what&#xA;  happened. But after four years, don't you think I also deserve to know&#xA;  what went on? I hate being in the middle of this &lt;strong&gt;and you saying I'm&#xA;  naive and that I'm being manipulated without offering an explanation&#xA;  isn't helping me understand.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm in difficult position here and I&#xA;  need your help. Mom, I feel that you're not allowing me to understand.&#xA;  When you feel ready, could you please make an effort to explain to me? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she agrees you could slowly ask for more details or ask for more clarification but without pressuring or insisting. I'm sure you're also aware that because you were not present you cannot know with certainty that your mom will be objective. Had you been present, you even might have had a different opinion or perception of the events. Events might be objective but the feelings that surround them usually aren't. So again keep in mind when you ask: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what it is that happened that is so inexcusable&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;that the same thing that is so inexcusable to your mom might not be so to someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line: You can't force your mom to tell you what happened but you can tell her how that is affecting you. And what she is willing to do to make it fair for both of you, how to meet you halfway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-12-24T20:26:29.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8421" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8377" CreationDate="2017-12-25T07:00:29.620" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to build on the excellent answer of @apaul, and give you the perspective of a non-autistic person. (culture: US, WASP, highly educated.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who offers my hand frequently, I would be offended if someone followed your Option 3 -- pretending not to see my offered hand. This would seem to me like a snub.  You say you are unskilled at Option 3, and I don't think anyone but a superb actor could pull of Option 3 convincingly.  Forget about Option 3.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I would be distressed if I sensed that shaking my hand caused a person real discomfort.  And I'm pretty sure I would sense that, because I am attuned to even faint signals from other people, as are many if not most neurotypicals. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, I think your two options are, as apaul said, to try to overcome your aversion (easier said than done), or to be straightforward, and say that you are mildly autistic and shaking hands is difficult for you.  But I advise against a bald statement &quot;I don't shake hands&quot;.  That makes you sound as though you think you are superior, and would be off-putting.  Giving a &lt;strong&gt;reason&lt;/strong&gt; of being mildly autistic would be, to me, impressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, some people will not even understand what you are saying, and if you are mildly autistic you may have difficulty figuring out who will be sympathetic and who will not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, I think you should try some form of aversion therapy to overcome what could become a serious handicap in the workplace.  I wish you well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2017-12-25T07:00:29.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8422" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-25T09:39:43.127" Score="30" ViewCount="3571" Body="&lt;p&gt;My husband and I are visiting my family for Christmas. I moved out and have lived separately from them for 10 years or so. We're staying with my parents. The TV in their home is on all the time. We don't have a TV at home and generally find the constant noise in the background to be disruptive. Nonetheless, I can live with that. It's their choice and their house and I can cope with the TV noise for a few days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nonetheless, It seems like whenever all of us are together (8 or so of us) and the TV is there, the default is &quot;let's watch something&quot;. It almost feels like the laziest option. I don't want to watch TV. I want to talk to them.  My husband and I didn't drive 3 hours to watch TV. We drove to visit them. To talk to my family and spend quality time with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months ago my family came to visit at my place and it was so great! There was no TV and we sat around chatting and it was so nice! Last night I sat there watching random stuff on TV and just thinking &quot;why can't we just turn this rubbish off and talk?!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that my family have a very different view on TV. We didn't have a TV for years and when we did my parents were pretty strict about it. And perhaps they do view it as quality time even though I don't.  Since becoming empty nesters it seems it has become a big part of how they spend their time. I know that not many people share my view. But I really don't like coming for Christmas if all were going to do is sit around watching TV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I encourage my parents to turn the TV off and talk to us more?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-01-01T16:47:37.300" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T08:52:37.863" Title="How do I encourage my family to talk more and watch tv less when I'm visiting?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8401" CreationDate="2017-12-25T09:47:54.067" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even when there's a large group of friends, not everyone is equally close to everyone else. Many people have one or two close friends whom they call or message frequently. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, say you are in a group of 15 people. When 2 of these people plan to meet up, they might call the ones closest to them to join. So, you'd see 5 or 6 people meeting up but not all 15. This is true for other folks in the group as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you are in the same group for 2 years but not particularly close to anyone, there's a good chance that you are ignored not because there's something wrong with you but because it's always a small group which is meeting up and you are not best friends with any of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have done what you can. You have noticed some problem and asked people if there's some issue with you and unless people tell you something, you really can't guess. Maybe you are different from others in the group or maybe a few of them aren't comfortable around you, it can be anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to focus on other things you can do with your time (join hobby classes/ gym/ focus more on studies). Over a period of time, you will make new friends. All the best !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2017-12-25T09:47:54.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7087" CreationDate="2017-12-25T09:51:26.107" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the sound of it, you're &quot;moving toward&quot; a relationship. You're not there yet, but if things continue along recent lines, you will be. So the thing &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to do is to &quot;rock the boat.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that 1.5 months is not a long time to know someone. Many women don't want to commit themselves too early. This may be even more true if she is German, than say, American.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say, give it more time. If you were at the 1.5 &lt;em&gt;year&lt;/em&gt; mark, then you might have cause to worry that things aren't going anywhere. But you've made good progress toward a relationship in a short period of time. As it is, you have at least six months, and more like a year to find out where things stand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-12-25T09:51:26.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1800" CreationDate="2017-12-25T10:03:18.983" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Understand that using a term like &quot;maid cafes&quot; is barely acceptable in some circles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meaning that if you follow up by suggesting that someone (you don't know well) attend, or participate in one, you may have crossed a line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's unfortunate that people spoke to the manager about it, rather than you directly. It means that you broke &quot;unwritten&quot; (rather than written) rules. Technically, you did nothing wrong but you did offend social sensibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation may be &quot;too far gone&quot; to fix. Just learn from it for the next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2017-12-25T10:03:18.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8426" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="160" CreationDate="2017-12-25T10:13:11.817" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I turn down things like this (or family members suggesting business ideas) all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm glad you've been successful! Running your own business takes a lot of work and requires a passion for your product. Unfortunately I don't think it's something I could get behind, clothing &lt;strong&gt;isn't where my passion lies and I don't think I'd have the motivation to sell something I'm not passionate about&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Running a business, especially selling something to people, requires a lot of work and dedication. If you're not behind the idea of the product, it's not going to work. Your friend can't argue with that. If you don't feel passionate about the product, nothing she can say can convince you otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T06:54:00.287" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T06:54:00.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8427" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-25T11:09:11.420" Score="11" ViewCount="11056" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a good friend and every time we go out for a drink or dinner, he always insists on paying. That sounds good to have someone pay for you but it's actually not. For a start, it's kind of condescending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is very successful and has a lot of money and I have a feeling that he does it because he feels like it would be an insignificant expense for him and a costly one for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know he does it with other friends as well so I'm sure it's not personal. However, it isn't something I feel comfortable with. It comes across a bit like he's showing off and trying to shift the power dynamic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also the annoying ritual at the end of the meal where we fight for the check. This is probably the worst part. It's probably quite comical to others seeing two grown men almost come to blows over trying to pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've spoken to him about this. One time, I told him I would definitely pay for the meal. Halfway through the meal, he said he had a phone call and secretly paid for the meal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, I have to say he is a good friend in every regard except for this. I would like to keep the friendship. Basically, he is very insistent on paying and treats it almost like a game whereas I really just want to pay for my share. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My preferable option would be to just split the bill each time or have an informal arrangement where I pay sometimes, he pays the other times. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean, if he really does insist on paying, I guess I can probably live with that. I just don't know how to do it without it being awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I REALLY don't want to get into an argument at the end of each meal. However, the objecting to paying is almost a ritual at this point to show that I'm grateful. I think it would be weird and disrespectful if I just assumed he was paying each time without kicking up a fuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I approach this situation next time I'm with my friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend and I are both Canadian. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10587" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2017-12-25T17:05:42.393" LastActivityDate="2020-11-10T17:11:28.147" Title="How can I get someone to stop paying for my meal?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8427" CreationDate="2017-12-25T11:30:17.170" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you have mentioned that your friend pays every time you go out together and it has become annoying for you, I get the feel that he is a very good and close friend of yours. While it is normal for close friends to insist on paying the bill, I think this has gone one step too far. Perhaps, your friend wants to save you the cost of a restaurant meal which he can easily afford and thus chooses to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel annoyed and perhaps insulted by this attitude of his, then, I think the best option is to tell him in clear words, &quot;pal, I appreciate the fact that you are willing to pay for our meal but this has gone for way too long and by now, I am annoyed and in fact insulted by this. Please refrain from doing so in the future.&quot; Or something along those lines. Doing this will probably help him realize he is not doing you some favour by paying the bills. Rather his actions have caused you much annoyance. If he is a good friend, obviously he would try to make you feel better and maybe allow you to pay the bill sometime. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, the second best option according to me is to say that you won't go out with him anymore if he continues to pay the bill every time. He definitely wouldn't want to lose a close friend too and perhaps might soften his stand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10072" LastEditorUserId="10072" LastEditDate="2017-12-25T12:06:28.067" LastActivityDate="2017-12-25T12:06:28.067" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8422" CreationDate="2017-12-25T12:34:51.993" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why not try the direct approach? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can we turn the TV off for a while and just talk?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everything needs a careful nuanced approach. Sometimes just asking is a good way to go. If you ask and they're resistant to turning it off, then it's probably worth explaining why you'd like to turn it off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We don't get to spend a lot of time together, and I'd like to make the most of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to make it about a general aversion to television. Rather lean towards things you'd like to do instead. Conversation, card games, or what have you. Sometimes a deck of cards can help to create some room for good conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-25T12:34:51.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8422" CreationDate="2017-12-25T14:20:14.363" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;For a most people, myself included, we have a tendency to do what is easiest or comfortable in the absence of something better. You could call it a default setting. And yes it can be a laziness. At other times it can be an aversion to something different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the other person has stated. You can simply ask them to turn it off, but I would also add, you need a substitute activity to fill the empty space, especially one that will pike their interest. You could suggest activities like going out, or playing games, and if nothing invent a new kind of past time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also suggest that you make your desire known prior to visiting so that they are more open to it ahead of time. In fact you could even enlist them in helping arrange said activity. The more effort they have invested the more committed they will become. It's all a matter of bringing people out of their comfort zone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10569" LastActivityDate="2017-12-25T14:20:14.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8422" CreationDate="2017-12-25T15:20:05.010" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Interesting. I do share your view and this used to happen a lot to me during holidays when I visited my boyfriend's parents. It used to really bore me to have to watch TV to pass the time and I always wondered, &quot;Don't these people have anything to talk about?&quot;. I realized that they probably don't communicate much when they are alone but I was finally able to chat a little with my boyfriend's mom while he watched TV with his dad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this isn't your in-laws it might be easier to approach your parents with honesty. What I would do is have a conversation with either my mother or father, you pick the one who you think might understand this better, &lt;strong&gt;prior to visiting&lt;/strong&gt; and just emphasize how much you had enjoyed it when they had visited you at your place, without the TV. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see anything wrong with you telling them straight up that you don't particularly enjoy watching TV and ask them, include them in coming up with alternatives together. That way you avoid feelings of awkwardness and misery during Christmas day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if you think this won't cause problems if done while you're at their place, the key to &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;just thinking &quot;why can't we just turn this rubbish off and talk?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is to share that thought out loud with a sense of humor and by counter-suggesting when you hear the familiar &quot;let's watch something&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good idea is to have some things in mind for when you get there. Bring some board games or have some activity ready. Or simply start talking about a subject that you know is engaging to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to live with my boyfriend's family in a city (south US) that got hit by a tornado once. There was no electricity for a week. I had one of the best times of my life away from TV, computers and phones,  playing card games, board games, and just chatting or spending time outside in nature. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure you can come up with examples like that to show your parents what quality time with them really means to you and how much you would like it if they valued or appreciated that. You're exactly right when you say that you didn't drive for three hours to watch TV. Even if you said just that to them in a warm tone, would be enough for most people to get the message. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you have other than watching TV past Christmas memories with your family, when you used to do X, Y, or Z instead, bring that up, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get your husband to also suggest alternatives when you raise the issue with your parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2017-12-25T15:20:05.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8433" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8434" CreationDate="2017-12-25T18:28:33.933" Score="5" ViewCount="453" Body="&lt;p&gt;Today I've learned that &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/09/05/beauty_sleep_study_sleep_deprived_people_look_sadder_and_less_attractive.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;You look tired&quot; or &quot;You look sick&quot; is an insult&lt;/a&gt;, which is not in my culture - I'm from Korea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I want to express my worries for example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When some colleagues express their tiredness especially when they couldn't sleep well because of some incident in the night when they were on call.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When someone coughs or sneezes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be nice ways to sympathize or express my concern in English. &quot;You don't look very well&quot; or &quot;Are you okay&quot; would be okay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding some more information here which is hidden in comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was wondering about the manner in English speaking cultures. I thought &lt;em&gt;&quot;You look tired&quot;&lt;/em&gt; is generally regarded as an insult as &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=you+look+tired&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Google says so&lt;/a&gt;, but from the opinions in the comments, it seems it's not always true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this is a Dan's opinion which is in the comments,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On American professional culture at least, you don’t say anything that communicates this idea. You don’t communicate anything that conveys the idea that the person’s appearance is flawed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10588" LastEditorUserId="10588" LastEditDate="2017-12-28T10:37:48.930" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T08:10:27.240" Title="Alternative to &quot;you look tired&quot;" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;cultural-appropriation&gt;&lt;korea&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-12-26T11:32:05.010" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8433" CreationDate="2017-12-25T22:01:04.300" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Congratulations on learning English. My sister in law is Korean so maybe I can help you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say things like that, BUT if your English is not good, it can sound stiff and awkward. In addition to that, unless you know the person well enough it can seem intrusive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also need to pay attention to your tone of voice and facial expression. Do you appear concerned or disgusted. It's not just the words you use after all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to show concern, you could say &quot;how are you feeling today&quot;? Or &quot;Is everything okay?&quot; People love to talk about how they feel. Most important is to loosen up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10569" LastEditorUserId="10750" LastEditDate="2017-12-30T08:10:27.240" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T08:10:27.240" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8435" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8427" CreationDate="2017-12-26T00:21:03.377" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Jimbo, a possible solution depends whether you want to stay within the competition or redefine the rules. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really doubt that winning over him will work more than once, as you say it is a game, and he likes to play it by his rules. He even tricked you after you explained that it was important to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you consider it a kind of sport and would like to win, you could talk to staff in advance and...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;pay in advance („I‘ll pick up the change before leaving“), &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;have your credit card pre-charged before you even order&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;arrange to have the bill sent to you by email/mail and pay it afterwards&#xA;(please consider I live in Europe and don’t know what payment options are possible in Canada).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an upside, you would probably take him by surprise and be able to enjoy his facial expression at the end of the meal, at least once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To play hard would be to refuse going to restaurants with him if he refuses to respect your desire, but is this worth it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here’s another thought:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I mean, if he really does insist on paying, I guess I can probably live with that. I just don't know how to do it without it being awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This opens the door to another game. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my mentors used to share &lt;strong&gt;the secret of happiness&lt;/strong&gt; with me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Take what you get when you get it, and don’t take what you didn’t get when you didn’t get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could practice to take what you get, and learn to let go of having to give back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously your friend doesn’t expect anything in return, and it might be his way to justify his wealth by being generous and sharing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you, I really enjoy our time together, as well as your generosity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;might be more than enough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ll predict from reading your post that probably part of yourself will criticize the rest of yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to listen carefully to this criticism and even write it down for yourself. Why? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These thoughts are often automated thoughts that cross our minds involuntarily and quickly. By carefully observing and writing them down, you’d give yourself a chance to actually question and check the truth and the usefulness of these thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are neither true nor useful, do not act upon them. This will feel strange in the beginning, but will improve with training.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to pay for your meal nonetheless, you could do so by letting him pay and donating the money you wanted to spend to someone who has less and then can have a meal, too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you would expand the game and let others enjoy it, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T00:21:03.377" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8437" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-26T05:45:40.337" Score="24" ViewCount="11692" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am newly married 27 year-old lady from India.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband really likes oral sex, but I hate it... It is really uncomfortable for me and I feel like it is disgusting and I don't know that it is correct or not also....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than that he is a really good husband.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell him that I don't like oral sex anymore without hurting his feelings... and I fear that he will go for other women if I reject oral sex, so is there a way to explain to him that I don't like oral sex, but I don't want to go him for other women....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10592" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2017-12-26T11:00:47.983" LastActivityDate="2020-10-12T07:06:12.860" Title="How do I communicate to my husband that I don't like oral sex?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8396" CreationDate="2017-12-26T05:57:14.377" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are several ways of dealing with this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Consider if your perception is correct. It is unusual for adults to openly mock each other, especially in professional situations such as when goods or services are being provided. That's not to say adults don't mock, but usually they do it when the subject of the mocking is no longer present so as to avoid potential repercussions. Consider whether it is possibly an attempt to share a joke with you, possibly poorly executed. In the past I have found that by re-evaluating situations I have perceived to be negative and hence troubling to me, trying to take a more objective point of view that I have been able to take more positive or at least more neutral point of view and that the situations become less troubling. This is in fact a technique from cognitive behavioral therapy. In your situation I feel that your OCD may make you more sensitive to potential reactions to your quirks/perceived quirks (and everyone has quirks).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ignore it. People can be assholes, asking for your meal to be placed in a plastic bag is hardly particularly heinous or even unusual. As per 1) if they were mocking you their behavior is more outside of social norms than your own and it may or may not be a misunderstanding anyway. Often putting the incident out of your mind is a good option for one-off or occasional interactions as any effort expended on doing anything else is not worth the potential benefit.I have found a bit of effort not dwelling on situations that may've bothered me previously is actually a highly effective way of dealing with such situations when they are isolated situations as you have to be clear on what you want to achieve, if it is to change what has happened already, that is not possible.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Call them out directly. If you don't like someones behavior a quick, but forceful &quot;I don't appreciate that comment, could you please not speak to me like that&quot; or something similar will let them know you do not like it. It is difficult for someone to continue with their behavior once called out as continuing will be a clear escalation. It is however important to be polite (otherwise you may escalate the situation yourself), to do it as the behavior occurs (if someone knows they are going to earn an instant reproach they are unlikely to continue with the behavior) and forceful (there should not be an option in your reply for the behavior to continue). The possible pitfalls are the it may provoke an escalation (that seems unlikely in this situation though, but if that occurs move on to the next option) or that it may make future interactions more awkward. But you are perfectly within your rights to point out behavior towards you that you do not like and if awkwardness occurs it should just be seen as the (acceptable) cost of asserting yourself. Being assertive is usually the most effective way of dealing with unwanted behavior. I say this from experience of managing people which involves managing peoples behaviors, which is best done quickly, firmly and with a clear sense of what the next step will be.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Call them out to their superiors. As mentioned this is unprofessional behavior and would not be tolerated by any competent manager. However this is probably an escalation of the situation as the potential consequences to the clerks is likely much greater than the effect of the comments on you. From personal experience I did this once when a clerk in a supermarket I went in semi-regularly was consistently disrespectful with his behavior towards me, e.g. he called me &quot;boy&quot; on several occasions, which in England is either an insult or a colloquial familiar way of addressing someone (either way though inappropriate in the context). I must admit I did feel a bit bad afterwards as only afterwards I considered that the guy was not English and may not have fully understood the implications of his chosen form of address and I would not recommend this option without first trying option 3)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use humour as this will often change the entire complexion of the interaction and it allows for the possibility that it is a misunderstanding. The difficulty with this option is that it is a skill that takes practice and the outcome is very much dependent on the other person (e.g. if someone is just an asshole it is not likely to work). Personally I have found this option to be hit-and-miss as if I am genuinely annoyed I find it difficult to see humour, however I have seen other people use this option to tackle difficult situations effectively.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10593" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T15:00:21.730" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T15:00:21.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8281" CreationDate="2017-12-26T06:19:27.410" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would be direct, but put it in terms of your own personal preference, e.g. &quot;I know the term 'queer' has been reclaimed to some extent, but I don't like it personally.&quot; I would avoid being confrontational or preachy if no offence was intended as you cannot expect people to be aware of your preferences until you express them, however if they continue I would repeat your preference but in increasingly more forceful terms, e.g. &quot;I said I don't like that term, could you please not use it about me&quot;, and if they continue still &quot;I find you continuing to use that term about me after I have asked you not to insulting&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10593" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T06:19:27.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8440" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8445" CreationDate="2017-12-26T07:09:26.510" Score="4" ViewCount="5672" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years now. We met each other during our undergraduate studies. We've a great time over the past 4 years. After graduating, I went for higher studies and she took a job. Now we live very far from each other (over 2000 miles). So, it is long distance relationship now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last week my gf watched a movie till late with a colleague at their office. We talked over phone after she came back. Naturally, I asked her the reason for watching movie with her friend till 2 am. Initially she was very cool about it and explained that they are just friends and that nothing happened. However after some time she started crying. She confessed that she felt attracted to her colleague and even fantasized that being in a relationship with her colleague will make life so simple for her. She said that she feels very lonely in a new place. There are mostly men in her office and most of them show interest in talking with her. She said that this is very distracting for her and sometimes she feels tempted to spend time with these friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was completely shocked as this happened completely out of the blue. Later on, she explained that this was all a big mistake. She apologized and promised that anything like this will not happen again. This kind of situation could have happened with me as well, but her telling me about it and then crying has made me anxious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe everything that she has told me. But this small experience has made me very uneasy and suspicious. Every time she is in her office, I feel scared. I love my gf and don't want our relationship to fall apart because of some stupid incident. How should I deal with this situation? What should I say to my gf and what I can do (or ask her to do) so that she feels less lonely? Also, what should I not say/do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10596" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T11:34:09.307" Title="My girlfriend told me that she has some feeling for her colleague. What should I do?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-26T11:25:35.357" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8437" CreationDate="2017-12-26T09:36:47.500" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;First I would tell him some things you appreciate about him as a husband. You said he is a good husband except for this one thing. Tell him this, and explain why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then bring up the topic of oral sex. Explain that while it may be fun for him, it is not for you. Sex is ideally enjoyable for both parties, but this hasn't been. Is there anything else you could do together instead? Try to think of something else that would be enjoyable for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you are trying to communicate is that you love him, but you would prefer to show your love in a way other than oral sex.&#xA;This way you aren't telling him you want to be less intimate, but only that you'd like to change the details of how you express your love for him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9278" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T09:36:47.500" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8444" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-26T10:07:22.547" Score="2" ViewCount="365" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find it difficult to express an idea effectively. When I put my thoughts into sentences, it becomes very complex and people get bored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, recently, when my colleagues and I having coffee, the topic of bringing up children came up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I knew one of the colleague's parents brought her up being brave, by making her do those things she was reluctant to do. In India, (sorry, but it's a fact) girls are not brought up to be brave, like that. It's unusual to do what her parent did. But I was appreciative about how her parents bring her up and when I mentioned it, everybody, including the girl herself, thought that I was teasing her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had to stop everyone (kind of) to make the air clear, that I actually complemented her parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later, she was able to explain things very clearly, unlike me :(.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, how to clearly express an idea in a group without confusing listeners??&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9396" LastEditorUserId="9396" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T12:48:49.970" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T13:03:02.103" Title="How to clearly express an idea in a group without confusing listeners?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8440" CreationDate="2017-12-26T11:07:29.823" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel with you and your girlfriend, and I know the strain that distance can put on a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me first expand a bit on psychology in relationships and then answer some of the questions you raised from that basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a psychological point of view, conflicts in relationship are normal and a natural consequence of being a human being, or even a living being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What seems to matter is our way to deal with those conflicts. This seems to be central in maintaining and strengthening a relationship.&#xA;see &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gottman.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;John Gottman’s work&lt;/a&gt; for details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is a good sign that both of you were able to talk about it, and I consider it a sign of trust and respect that she shared her feelings and fantasies with you when you asked her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should I deal with this situation? What should I say to my gf and what I can do (or ask her to do) so that she feels less lonely? Also, what should I not say/do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously feeling anxious is completely understandable and an appropriate reaction to a perceived danger. &lt;strong&gt;Don’t let anxiousness guide your behavior though.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Refrain from moralizing, attacking or degrading her for her feelings, fantasies and actions, because the fact that she shared it with you is a good basis to strenghthen the relationship. Don’t undermine that basis by the above behaviors.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Refrain from stirring up problems from the past, this will damage the basis even more. Instead, stir up good times and successful resolution of critical situations from your past.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You of course might want to tell her of your feelings and thoughts, and that having “affairs” is not acceptable to you (if it applies), but keep your communication to using “I” instead of “You” phrases, and always express positive feelings, hopes and thoughts as well. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you told me about X, I felt both anxious and relieved, because I feel afraid of losing our relationship, and relieved because my gut feelings were accurate and you trust me to share with me what’s going on with you. (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let her know you love her and want to maintain the relationship if she is willing, too. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her that you do not want to get into controlling her, because that would damage the good relationship both of you built, and ask her to continue to be open towards you and support you with reassuring you if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Establish a regular time for talking / skyping and commit to it. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make plans to see each other regularly and to spend time with each other, make mid-term plans for moving together. Mid-term plans don’t substitute short-term contact with each other, so do both instead of either-or.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me know what you think of my suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="9437" LastEditDate="2017-12-26T11:34:09.307" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T11:34:09.307" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8437" CreationDate="2017-12-26T14:40:25.237" Score="13" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I communicate to my husband that I don't like oral sex?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, there is &lt;strong&gt;nothing&lt;/strong&gt; wrong with your husband wanting/liking oral sex.  In fact, &lt;em&gt;you have been enabling this expectation&lt;/em&gt; by not being open and honest with him regarding how you feel about this act.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you have a frank conversation regarding what is and is not acceptable to you regarding your sexual relationship with him.  Be sure to do this in such a way that its not him that you don't like, but that particular act (or acts if there are others).  Your delivery of this news to him will be key in that it &lt;em&gt;should in no way be an attack on him&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, be prepared for your husband to be &lt;strong&gt;a bit shocked, a little pissed, and surprised&lt;/strong&gt; by the fact that you all of the sudden (&lt;em&gt;from his perspective&lt;/em&gt;) are not interesting in performing this act.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, going forward as you explore your sexuality, if you don't like a particular act/position, be open and honest about it quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T14:40:25.237" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8448" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8450" CreationDate="2017-12-26T15:04:35.143" Score="61" ViewCount="15763" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a little bit of a complicated problem.  My mom and dad are both Catholic, and they have a tradition - every Easter and Christmas, they take the immediate family (themselves, me, and my sister) to Church.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's just a few small problems: neither me nor my sister get anything from it.  And in &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; case specifically, the incense they use in church triggers both my allergies and my asthma, which introduces a major health risk (not to mention makes me highly irritable).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a secondary issue here: I have a confirmed and diagnosed anxiety issue.  Without health insurance (of which I do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; have because I had it through school and I've graduated and don't have any health coverage until I can apply January 1 with my new full time job), I can't get the medication to keep it under absolute control within my budget.  Which means every time we go, there's screaming children, and every time the screaming noisy children make a noise, it drives my anxiety levels up exponentially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the core problem is, I've made &lt;em&gt;many&lt;/em&gt; attempts to make it known that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There's a health risk with the asthma and allergies, and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is a safety risk both to myself and others with the anxiety (which in extremely high amounts can reveal itself explosively), and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't get anything from church (I'm in the beliefs category of &quot;Religion is just a bogus a mythos just to give you 'rules of behavior', and has archaic traditions that are worth nothing to me&quot;; also known as the &quot;I don't believe in any religion at all&quot; category), and in addition to forcing me to do something I absolutely do not want to do, making me go is equivalent to torture because of points 1 and 2.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in &lt;em&gt;every case&lt;/em&gt;, when I bring this up, there's absolutely no 'wiggle room' within my parents to actually &lt;em&gt;accept&lt;/em&gt; the points.  They indicate that &quot;Oh, you can fix the asthma problem just bring your inhaler&quot;, or &quot;Just suck it up&quot; for the second point, but point #3 they just completely ignore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I currently live with my parents, until my apartment is habitable and well stocked with food and stuff, which can't be done until I receive my first paycheck with the full time job I recently got. After January, that shouldn't be a factor, and solves the problem, but until then I'm living with my parents and so this is still a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'm stuck in a dilemma - every time they force this upon me, I become a very angry person for the rest of the day, even if it is twice a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I go about telling my parents in no uncertain terms &quot;Traditions be damned, I absolutely refuse to go&quot; for the above reasons without getting into a &quot;But this is tradition!&quot; fight with my parents?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional information was requested in comments, and answers are here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What culture is this taking place in? How old are you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;USA, 27 years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you told your parents you are atheist?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yep.  Hasn't changed their viewpoints on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;@ThomasWard So who feels guilty? You or them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do your parents normally attend mass or is it just for the holidays?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually they only go that I know of twice a year, Easter and Christmas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;@ThomasWard What happens if you just stand your ground and not go, period?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It gets into a yelling and swearing argument and they essentially rage-mode me into joining them. My mom and dad are forces of nature...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Do you know why they want you to go?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Is it a bonding experience for them?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Is there a social aspect for your parents? in the sense maybe it would look bad in their circles that their son is not going with them&#xA;  to the church?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Maybe they also feel that if you are not going, you lose any chance to redemption?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Have you had any discussions why they want you to go that badly?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(list formatting was my doing)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They only quote 'It's tradition!'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Probably, in that it's one of the 'few times' the family is actually all in one place.  Empty-nester-syndrome, perhaps?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not really anything that fits that category, no.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe, but if this were the case my father would tell me so - he knows to not beat around the bush with me (thanks to aspergers syndrome, if he actually tries to be vague I brush it off / ignore it because my mind doesn't process it well)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Beyond the medical reasons I stated, and the anxiety risks, and me having told them &quot;I don't really get much from this anymore...&quot; in the past?  Not really.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5909" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2017-12-30T21:13:50.630" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T00:16:53.253" Title="How do I tell my parents &quot;I don't want to go to church&quot; over the holidays?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;holidays&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-26T15:42:40.607" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I love the avatar, especially in the context of this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish that I had a good answer for this issue, and I pray that someone else with better ideas answers this as well.  But if they acknowledge that there are health issues and tell you to just suck it up it, it sounds to me like you've gotten your point across effectively - they just aren't sympathetic, and it sounds like in their eyes, tradition is more important than your health.  I'm not sure that any approach other than an obstinate refusal to participate will be effective.  And let me be clear - if your physical and emotional health are at risk, this degree of opposition sounds entirely valid.  Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some thoughts for approaching each topic diplomatically.  Start polite and escalate only as needed, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Physical Health Risk&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is not okay to intentionally subject someone to an environment that will put their physical health at risk, especially against their will.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Struggling to breathe will interfere with your enjoyment and appreciation of the holiday in question, and any spiritual feelings that you might feel from the holiday will likely be reduced by the fact that you literally have to suffer to make it happen, and that suffering is happening against your will.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would they expect someone with food poisoning to attend the ceremony, even if they can choke down their suffering?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Emotional Health Risk&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As with the physical health risk - it is not okay to intentionally subject someone to an emotionally damaging scenario, especially against their will.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Also as with the physical health risk - if you're suffering an anxiety attack, you are not feeling spiritual, and it's going to build a resentment against the holiday and ceremony instead.  You're going to associate these holidays with panic and anxiety - in fact I'm sure that you already do, but you won't be able to try to change that while that is the experience that is guaranteed to you.  If you're not already embittered to the whole holiday, I am shocked and impressed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;More poignantly - suffering anxiety attacks is actually bad for your long-term mental health, too, if you don't have the tools currently available to deal with them.  So in addition to damaging you in the short term, this actually harms you in the longer term as well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lack of Value&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tradition is only meaningful if the person observing it appreciates it.  If it feels like a chore, or is actively painful, and it has no value to the person, then it's going to push the person further away from the culture in question.  When the culture is 'your parents' religion,' surely that's important to them.  This may be the most effective point to make, although it may also be the most painful - they are actively making it harder for you to be Catholic, should you choose to embrace that culture.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Insisting that someone do something that they do not want to do, get no value in doing, and actually find painful and damaging is also a great way to create a wedge between people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T15:42:40.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-26T17:13:57.063" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're mixing a health argument with an &quot;I don't like it&quot; argument.  The latter is unwinnable right now, and by combining them you invite your parents to think &quot;oh, he doesn't want to and we've had that argument before, so now he's just making up health excuses&quot;.  The first thing you need to do is to decouple them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second thing you need to do, assuming you want to maintain a good relationship with your parents, is to seek a compromise that &lt;em&gt;addresses the health needs&lt;/em&gt;, recognizing that it might mean going with them.  You should not endanger your health, but you should work with your parents to resolve this thing that is very important to them and (if the health issues are addressed) won't cost you that much.  (I am assuming that the pressure they're applying does not rise to the level of dangerous bullying -- just that they're super-insistent and perhaps whiny.  I am also assuming that your distaste for church does not rise to the level of principled objection or offense.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk with your parents &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; about the health issues (asthma and anxiety).  Say that while you don't like going, you're willing to accompany them because it's important to them, &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; you (plural) need to find solutions to these problems.  Ask them to help solve the health problems.  Possible solutions I can imagine (which you'll need to investigate) include: going to a &quot;low church&quot; service instead that doesn't do the incense, going at a time that is less likely to have lots of children (there's usually more than one mass for big holidays like Christmas), getting your parents to pay for your prescriptions so you can medicate, and choosing seats that allow you to easily step out if you need to (to quell an anxiety attack, for instance).  If they are unwilling to make any changes then &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; aren't really interested in making it work either, which should strengthen your resistance to their pushing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want to go.  I get that.  Family relationships often call on us to do things we don't want to do, and if the cost is just a couple hours and no medical, ethical, or religious dangers, people usually just have to suck it up and go for the sake of peace.  This is true whether you're talking about Christmas mass, your sister's elementary-school graduation, your cousin's wedding, your brother's little-league game, your grandmother's 80th birthday party, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said in comments that you've tried saying no and gotten guilt-tripped, which is why I wrote the above.  But you end your question by asking how you can refuse them, so to address that: You say something like &quot;I'm sorry if this upsets you, but I am not going to attend.  Would you prefer that I visit at a different time instead of Christmas so we don't keep having this argument?&quot;  By doing this you say no without any wiggle room, and then offer them an alternative.  If the thought of you not visiting for the holiday at all upsets them more than you not being in church with them for those couple hours, then perhaps they'll ease up.  If they don't, it's on them -- stay home and try Memorial Day or Thanksgiving or Mom's birthday or something instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T14:57:03.167" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T14:57:03.167" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-26T17:20:08.343" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;Traditions have a way of almost becoming law in families.  Take, for instance, your visiting them over the holidays (which I infer from your comments above).  Why?  What do you get out of it?  I struggled with that particular tradition as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think that this issue has as much to do with your parents' religion as much as control.  Obviously you go there, for whatever reason.  And they cannot accept that you don't want to go to church, despite whatever reason you offer.  That boils down to a control issue and lack of respect for your position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that you cannot be there and don't find anything of value there, there's really only one option you have.  You've tried telling them &quot;I can't go and here's why&quot;, only to be met with &quot;yes you can&quot;.  The next step is to simply not go.  If that causes strife with the family during your visit, then the next step is to discontinue that particular visit.  &quot;Mom and Dad, I love you, but Christmas no longer works for me.  I'll visit you in the spring when we can see each other and enjoy each other's company.  I've made my own Christmas plans this year.&quot;  You're under no obligation to tell them what those plans are, only that you have other plans.  (and really, what would happen if you told them &quot;my plans are to not be there&quot;?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick here is to separate the visit from the holiday, which is why I made the above suggestion.  Yes, they'll be unhappy. Yes, there will be some guilt.  But that will happen over the phone, and you have the option of ending the call if the guilt starts to be laid on too thickly.  &quot;Sorry, Mom, have to go.  Talk to you soon.  Bye!&quot;  Eventually they'll learn that you won't accept the guilt, won't argue about Christmas plans, and still want to see them.  And that is a much (physically and emotionally) healthier relationship than the one you enjoy right now.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I see in the comments &quot;It gets into a yelling and swearing argument and they essentially rage-mode me into joining them.&quot;  This is an unhealthy relationship and needs examination.  There are some cultures (Indian comes to mind) where the children do what they are told, but this is not generally a North American thing.  If this behavior is a part of your relationship, I'd submit that this is a toxic relationship and needs to be examined very carefully.  You're a grown adult with your own life; your parents at this point need to come to terms with this and the sooner this happens, the better for both parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2017-12-26T19:19:03.320" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T19:19:03.320" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8452" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8422" CreationDate="2017-12-26T18:34:22.403" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a family that has the TV on a lot, I'd like to offer a different perspective of this. This answer works primarily for sports though, where you can ignore the TV for a while without missing much. If your family puts on a TV show where they have to pay attention, this isn't the answer for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family and I have football on most of the day for most holidays. We don't have it on because we're riveted to each and every play, though; most of the time, &lt;strong&gt;we don't actually care that much about the game&lt;/strong&gt;. Instead, we have it on because it gives us a conversational &quot;meeting point&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, this Christmas, we had the Steelers-Texans game on (among others). For those who aren't football fans, it was pretty obvious this was a one-sided matchup, which usually translates into an uninteresting game. That didn't really matter though! None of us wanted to watch football in silence after all, we wanted an excuse to start up conversation. The Texans have a star defender, JJ Watt, who raised $37 million in relief for Hurricane Harvey, so we spent a good deal talking about that, about fundraising, about Houston's recovery after the hurricane, and so on. My brother's girlfriend lives in Wisconsin, where JJ Watt is from. She moved the conversation to Wisconsin in general, which led to its own long tangent! One of the Texans recovered from cancer and was playing yesterday. We obviously spoke a while about him too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll concede that most of us enjoy talking about football itself, but &lt;strong&gt;most of our conversation didn't really involve football at all&lt;/strong&gt;. In addition, if anyone suggested something besides watching football, we were quick to jump on it! My brother suggested playing Settlers of Catan, and 4 of us went to play that, while those uninterested kept watching. After our game, we reconvened and rejoined the conversation. That's why I describe the TV as a &quot;meeting point&quot;. Any of us are happy to do something else, but barring that we have an easy option to gather together and talk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But Lord Farquaad, I don't know anything about football! It's hard to jump into conversation!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know, I felt the same way for a long time. I found learning a conversational amount about whatever they're watching goes a long way (I also ended up loving football, but your mileage may vary there). My brother's girlfriend doesn't care that much about football, but by keeping tabs on JJ Watt, a prominent player from her city, she was able to move the conversation to something she was interested in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is actually just a good IPS skill in general&lt;/strong&gt;. You'll find that regardless of your family's interests, it will be much easier to jump into conversation if you're a little familiar with that area. It also makes it easier to identify if and when you should suggest another activity. If the game were tied with a minute to go when my brother suggested Settlers of Catan, noone would've joined him. Instead, he waited until one team (I won't say which) was up by a good amount, knowing we'd care less about the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, I suggest you observe your family a little and see &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they have the TV on. If they're giving it their undivided attention, you will have to suggest turning it off. If they're talking over it though, or willing to do other activities, join in on that! Suggest things they might like to do, and many are likely to join! Learn a little about what they're watching, and use that to move the conversation to things you'd like to talk about! &lt;strong&gt;They're using the TV as a social tool, you can too!&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T18:34:22.403" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8453" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-26T19:38:32.400" Score="0" ViewCount="230" Body="&lt;p&gt;I need advice on how to deal with this co-worker that complains VERY ferociously about issues, with almost all of them being minor issues.  If I do not cut her off she seems to go on forever.  Once I was listening to her complain about something that is a essentially a non-issue for several minutes with her basically ignoring my explanations.  How can I disengage from this individual without getting stressed, but while still being professional?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10609" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2017-12-26T23:37:53.253" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T02:42:19.920" Title="How to Disengage From Complaining Co-Worker" Tags="&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-12-27T09:03:15.043" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-26T19:53:04.107" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Very sorry you are going through this. You are way beyond the age where it is anywhere near OK for your parents to control the way you spend your holidays, to force their religious values onto you, and to resort to rage tactics and fear/obligation/guilt tactics to maintain that control. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to answer the question, you tell them you don't want to go to Church by telling them you aren't going to Church. You don't give reasons or excuses, you don't allow yourself to be drawn into an argument or screaming match, and you remove yourself from the discussion if that is what happens. If you walk away and they call to continue the same, hang up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose you could try to break the news gently by saying &quot;I know this is not going to be what you want to hear, but urge you to realize I am an adult now and not a child. I will not be attending the Church service, but I do hope that we can still spend time together over the Holidays.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to make it clear that there are boundaries to obey if they want to have a discussion or spend time with you. If they cannot accept that you won't go to Church service and respect that is your adult decision and make attending a requirement for having any time together for holidays, then so be it. But that is not your doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been in this position I know it is hard for some parents to transition from seeing you as a child and treating you as an adult. But that is their problem to fix, not yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, your medical conditions and history are private. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2675" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T19:53:04.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8453" CreationDate="2017-12-26T20:37:55.553" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would explain to her that you have a different tolerance/enthusiasm for complaining.  You might start by saying something along the lines of, &quot;I seems like one way for you to relieve stress is to vocalize and complain about things that bother you.  I imagine it makes you feel better to tell someone else what is bothering you and why.  Unfortunately, I am just the opposite - while I agree that some of the things you talk about might also bother me, I personally get stressed discussing them.  I know that it helps you to talk about them but it does the opposite for me - I'd prefer to not dwell on negative things - my personality type doesn't do well with them&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will undoubtedly be a little awkward to express and you should put it in your own words, but I think making this about you and your personal preference against complaining and not a criticism of her will help.  By acknowledging that  you understand that it may be helpful to her will hopefully open her mind slightly to consider that it is not helpful but rather harming to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6236" LastActivityDate="2017-12-26T20:37:55.553" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8457" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-26T21:14:07.420" Score="2" ViewCount="406" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes my grandparents (in their 80s) occasionally make off the cuff comments such as “if I make it that long” or “if I’m still around by then”. One of them, my Nan, would chastise my great great auntie who used to say the same (she died this year at 92). My instinct is to also chastise them for saying such things, but is there a better way to acknowledge their feelings rather than admonish them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandparents are generally very happy, active and jovial people so hearing such talk, no matter how off the cuff, feels very strange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10610" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T15:18:00.537" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T15:18:00.537" Title="How to respond to elderly relatives who say things like “if I’m still here next year...”?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;elderly&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2017-12-27T11:57:51.380" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-26T23:26:48.703" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question is really the wrong question to ask. Your question shouldn't be &quot;How do I tell my parents I don't want to go to church&quot;, your question should be &quot;How do I tell my parents &lt;strong&gt;I'm not going&lt;/strong&gt; to church&quot;. It helps very much to have the right attitude, and your attitude must be &quot;I'm not going to church&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their arguments: &quot;It's tradition!&quot; Tradition among Christians is to go to church every Sunday. There is no Christian tradition of going to church twice a year. Let's counter this with some &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; Christian talk. &quot;Love your neighbour as you love yourself&quot;. That's not the number 1 rule of being a Christian. It's rule number 0. Everyone here will realise that your parents are in absolute violation of this rule, because they value their fake traditions more than they value your health. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't go to church and get angry when you return. Get angry before you go, and don't go. All you need is the simple word &quot;No&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="5909" LastEditDate="2017-12-28T05:08:00.693" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T05:08:00.693" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8457" CreationDate="2017-12-27T00:02:08.210" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may be their way of preparing themselves, (or you) for the fact that she is getting older and closer to her death.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could also be that they are simply saying this because that's what they have seen other people say when they are old.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could also be that they are tying to be humorous.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are unsure why they say this then you should probably ask them why.  Something simple like:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you say that Nan?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared this will probably lead to a conversation about her(their) death.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not prepared for a serious conversation you could stick to some responses that tell them how you feel.  Such as: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No way, You'll make it to 101.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You better stick around.  I'll miss you when your gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These responses effectively tell them &quot;I love you and don't want you to die.&quot;  with out being too serious.  I'm sure you'll find you feel better as you express how you feel to them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend you ask them &quot;why&quot; sooner rather than later.  From your question it sounds like the thought of their death disturbs you more than less.  Having that talk with them should help you to sort out these hard feelings about their passing on.  Or at least to start sorting out your feelings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T00:02:08.210" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8457" CreationDate="2017-12-27T00:05:25.220" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've worked with the elderly and one thing I've discovered is that they sometimes have a very gallows sense of humor.  Also, many of them have seen friends and people younger than them die, which has made them more aware of their own mortality.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may be joking, or they may have come to the realization that they don't have much time left.  Either way, the most effective thing to do is to realize that they're accepting the inevitable and to love them while they're still here. If you want to respond, I'd suggest &quot;Well, I hope you are still here, too -  and healthy!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T00:05:25.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-27T00:12:16.530" Score="16" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Solution&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For future incidents, there's an obvious option people are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; mentioning (despite &lt;em&gt;almost&lt;/em&gt; doing so):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Simply don't go back in Christmas and Easter anymore. Go some other time.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other answers have mentioned this (and you could say I'm stealing the idea), but the difference is that they say you should &lt;em&gt;threaten&lt;/em&gt; to do this first, whereas I'm suggesting you do &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; mention anything about this change whatsoever; simply change when you go back from now on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask (which they inevitably will) next Christmas, you have two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could come up with an excuse (pick whichever can be applicable):&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;I would like to catch up with my friends during Christmas&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;I would like to come when it's less of a hot season due to ticket prices&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;(or: whatever you can think of given your situation)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could cite the health reasons:&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&amp;quot;Because it adversely affected my health&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;(recommended addendum: &amp;quot;...and my health is my highest priority&amp;quot;)&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;(optional addendum: &amp;quot;...and you force me to go despite this&amp;quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's important not to &lt;em&gt;threaten&lt;/em&gt; them&lt;/strong&gt; (especially not when you are &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt; them) because that will start a fight, and no parents like being threatened with not seeing their kid. Just let them observe consequences peacefully. If they start yelling at you or arguing with you them from afar, &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; you can let them know that if they are upset at you the next time you visit, you will simply stop going back at other times as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Note 1&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a chance they feel socially compelled to go, meaning that if you are not there with them, they will feel like they will have to be able to answer to their friends at church (whether or not they actually have to), demoting their social statuses. If this is the case (which seems likely to me), it will &lt;strong&gt;actively work against you&lt;/strong&gt; to claim that you simply dislike attending. Your best bet is to give them a compelling enough health reason that they feel they can recite to others without having to give further justification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This is on &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;top&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; of what other answers have said about this excuse diluting the health reasons. Those still apply. But I felt this one was also worth mentioning.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Note 2&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For what it's worth, in some religions, you are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; expected (and are sometimes even prohibited) to follow any rules that adversely affect your health, let alone do such things that are normally 'optional' anyway. I don't know to what extent this might be the case for Christianity, and I don't know if anxiety would qualify, but if you can cite a rock-solid reason from their own religion like this in &lt;em&gt;support&lt;/em&gt; of your position (you have at least asthma to go on), that should shut down the compulsion better than anything that goes &lt;em&gt;against&lt;/em&gt; their religion. You just have to make sure it's foolproof (maybe get a religious authority you don't personally know to vouch for it?) and you have to be willing to accept potential alternatives that solve these specific issues, or it would just work against you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T00:19:48.460" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8457" CreationDate="2017-12-27T02:02:56.197" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been around the elderly for most of my life. I have noticed three-ish different reasons they say it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1: They want a compliment: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One year?! You are so active! I believe you will be burying us all! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on religious affiliation maybe this is not applicable. However, the idea is to commend them on how well-kept they are for their age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2: They are trying to come into terms with reality, as death is something they fear, and they want to share their concerns/fears with their family, in non-serious setting. In this case a non answer would be enough, as just by expressing themselves they feel relieved, however a compliment as above wouldn't hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3: They fear that they will not be around much longer and by saying this they try to make sure you their relatives will spend time with them. In this case I would try to be reassuring that you will spend time and be there for them, to comfort them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7319" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T02:02:56.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8453" CreationDate="2017-12-27T02:42:19.920" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had a couple coworkers like that over the years.  (None currently, fortunately.)  The way I shut them down was to say approximately this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Gosh, it sounds like this has you really upset.  What did {your boss, HR, the head of IT, the ethics hotline, etc} say when you brought it up with them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to frame it as &quot;what did they say?&quot; rather than &quot;have you talked to them about this?&quot;.  Your &lt;em&gt;presumption&lt;/em&gt; is that this is so important to the person that surely she's already raised it with appropriate people.  (The &quot;gosh&quot;, or similar expression, is important; it conveys support and sets the stage for what follows.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two possibilities.  The likely one is that she hasn't done this.  In that case you say something like &quot;well I don't think I can help you, but they can&quot;.  If she actually &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; brought it up with appropriate people, then you can say something like &quot;well, I guess you need to wait for them to resolve it&quot;.  Both of these communicate &quot;I cannot help you&quot; and deflect focus to those who can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you then exit the conversation in the same way you exit any other conversation that you no longer have time for or can't contribute usefully to -- stepping away if you're standing, turning back to your work if you're at your desk, saying &quot;well, I've got to get back to work now&quot;, or whatever applies in your particular context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T02:42:19.920" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8457" CreationDate="2017-12-27T02:43:27.383" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's customary for most people to dodge these kinds of comments but I don't think shying away from this is beneficial if you truly do care about them. Acknowledge that death is a part of life and try to reassure them that they're in relatively good health and there's no reason to believe that they need to start planning for their exit any time soon. It also may be a signal that someone's bothered by their own mortality and if that's the case a little TLC may be in order. Individual attention is something our elderly don't get enough of typically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10210" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T02:43:27.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8467" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-27T02:57:47.067" Score="11" ViewCount="6805" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an Asian college girl. My university is abroad, so I only come home during long break e.g. summer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I am home, my parents would be very critical about my weight literally every day. When I walk in front of them, they would say &quot;intolerable. you're very fat. see how your legs squeeze.&quot; Or &quot;your body is just like a pregnant woman.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They recently start to make what I would say a weird relation between certain issues I have and my weight: I told my parents I start to mess up my mother language's spellings because I don't use them often. They replied that because I'm fat, my brain doesn't function well. I should consider losing weight seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even worse, my father started talking about my late uncle who passed away a few years ago. He was overweight. My father said he's worried I would end up like my uncle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this level, I start getting extremely upset. It seems to me that every day in their head, my parents are obsessed with my weight and not other things at all. I know I am fat, and I know I must try to lose my weight at some points (very soon) of my life.  Being fat puts weight on my body, and it's not like I'm happy about it. But I'm very annoyed how my parents keep talking about my weight as if it would disappear after they said so. They always used my culture as an excuse that they comment about my weight because they care about me, but now it's getting too much for me. I start to feel like they're just happy for venting out their feeling of &quot;unacceptable&quot; toward my weight and projecting that on me. Maybe they're happy to say that because it shows that they care, but on my side, I become overwhelmed by the same comments every day. This along with other problems at home makes me feel like I don't wanna go home again, ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way, if any, that I can stop them from commenting about my weight?  I know the possible way to respond is to exercise and reduce my weight. Note that even during the times that I try to exercise, they still say the same things. It will take time to lose weight. I'm very discouraged for that no matter how hard I try, they would still comment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7921" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T21:38:04.593" Title="How to ask parents to stop commenting about my weight?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8467" CreationDate="2017-12-27T03:48:02.693" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Their comments appear very harsh, I know it must be difficult coming from your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your story it appears you are still financially dependent to your parents, so it looks they are still treating you as if you were a child. If that was not the case, I would stand my ground: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would be very clear that their comments put an emotional toll on you, and even though you love them and want to spend time with them, you would have to limit your interaction with them, if they didn't stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This constant scolding is definitely coming from not respecting the fact that you are an adult and you want to live your life the way you want. Even if you didn't want to lose weight they wouldn't have a say on you doing otherwise. Of course you would welcome their opinion, but this would be the extend of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now since it is difficult to make your parents treat you as an adult, especially if you are still under their financial help; you could try the next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other ways to deal with it, is to make sure that your parents understand that you wish in the near future to lose weight. Maybe, they still continue commenting relentlessly on your weight, under the impression that you are not taking this issue seriously, and from your post it seems that you do. To help them realize that you do want to do something about it, maybe you can ask them what ideas they have to help you lose weight. That way, not only they will think that you are taking matters into your own hands, but also that they are actively helping you and, hopefully, this will lessen their urge to help you by providing inappropriate comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, you want to make it clear that their comments are counter-productive. Tell them what you feel is the ideal way they can help you lose weight, perhaps give them something to keep them occupied. For instance, you could tell them you want to start eating healthier food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most parents are stubborn and set in their own ways, so it always challenging to change their behavior. I think the answer could be a combination of make them think that you serious about losing weight, throw them a bone so they feel they are helping in a more productive way, and make it clear to them that their comments are damaging you emotionally and subsequently not only not helping you lose weight but also jeopardizing your relationship with them and your well being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7319" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T03:48:02.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8437" CreationDate="2017-12-27T04:14:31.983" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like anything else, you're always free to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Particularly when it comes to sex, or particular sex acts you aren't comfortable with, &quot;no&quot; is always an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of oral sex there are lots of perfectly reasonable reasons to say no. Some people find it morally objectionable, some find it objectifying, some don't like the effort involved, some simply don't like it, and the list goes on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The most common reason I've heard is that it's not reciprocal...&lt;/strong&gt; If this is your objection address it specifically, some people just aren't as aware as they ought to be when it comes to these things. A quick conversation may clear that issue up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Whatever your reasons are, your partner should understand them and respect them. But that means you're going to have to have an open honest conversation about it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually the easiest way to address these things with a long term partner is to sugar coat it a little bit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really don't like doing X, could we do Y instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatives soften the blow a little, you're not rejecting your partner, or their needs, you're rejecting the specific act. Sometimes the alternative came become a preference, and ideally it will be something that you both enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm guessing that you're both somewhat inexperienced, being newly married and all. Sometimes offering to explore and find something new that you both like will send your partner's mind racing away from the things you don't like, and lay the ground work towards a better sex life in general. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really don't like X, could we explore and find something new to try?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Variety is the spice of life, don't get trapped in a routine that doesn't work for you. Be creative, explore, try new things, and most of all, have fun ;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T04:14:31.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="160" CreationDate="2017-12-27T08:54:09.150" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your answers so far always told her that you would be considering joining some seminar but you can't do so right now for some reason. Psychologically, telling her that there is a chance to convince you will make her persist. Which is annoying to both of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear that you have no interest whatsoever to join a pyramid scheme. Ever. There is a chance that she will be annoyed - because you didn't tell her months ago and made her spent effort to try to get you to join, when there never was a chance to convince you. That can't be helped. The earlier you tell her, the better for everyone involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T08:54:09.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8473" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8479" CreationDate="2017-12-27T12:19:10.680" Score="31" ViewCount="10542" Body="&lt;p&gt;My family has a very large Christmas get-together every year in which there is a tradition where one of the cousins (aged 20-30) will dress up as Santa (&lt;em&gt;Edit: &quot;Santa&quot; for this is very gender neutral - I am a guy, but anyone could be &quot;Santa&quot;&lt;/em&gt;) , read out a bunch of announcements, put on a bit of an act and give presents to the kids. One of my cousins has happily taken up this role over the last 8 years, she does it very well and completely embraces the role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This year, one of my Aunts that I am very close to was particularly upset about some personal issues with their daughter who could not make it this year (not Santa) and after some drinks she got the idea in her head that my cousin had been Santa more than enough and it was time for somebody else to have a go. I am easily the closest to this Aunt, and also known for being friendly/neutral with everyone so I am not surprised that I was the only candidate. She asked me 20 minutes before the presentation and I gave an immediate and hard no. It is not that I would not step up if I was really needed, it is just I knew that doing this would cause a huge amount of awkwardness among the cousins as the previous Santa would not say anything but would feel let down about her role being stolen, &lt;strong&gt;and nobody else wants to be Santa anyway, least of all me!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Aunt got quite emotional, basically putting all her feelings about her daughter on my shoulders. She cried a bit, and got a bunch of others to back her up and tell me to do it otherwise she would leave the gathering immediately. So obviously I caved as I would rather stand up and do an awkward/lacking Santa impression than put a large sour mood on the gathering from my Aunt leaving &quot;because I wouldn't be Santa&quot;. So forced myself to do it, and as with all things like putting up a show or speaking publicly, I absolutely hated it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Afterwards there was some awkwardness with the cousins, but most knew I had been forced into it by my Aunt so it was not so bad. A few people thanked me for stepping up, and my Aunt came up to me and said I did well, but then critiqued all the very obvious flaws in my presentation. This was fairly upsetting for me, I know I am bad at public speaking, I am quiet, awkward and hate/suck at doing things where you need to have large exaggerated movements or fake being jolly and enthusiastic the whole time. I forced myself to do it for her, and I feel that if it is so important that I was Santa, then it is not really fair on me to complain about how bad it was, as although admittedly terrible, it was my best effort. Lastly, to my horror, she said that I had to do it next year too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will have plenty of chances to talk to her over the coming year. What can I say to her so the whole situation doesn't happen all over again next Christmas? She clearly still believes that the Santa role should be shared, and it will be a real struggle to convince her otherwise. My goals in order are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To get out of being Santa next year&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To make her understand why I think the old Santa should stay&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To let her know that being Santa this year was tough for me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2019-12-04T23:50:29.280" LastActivityDate="2019-12-04T23:50:29.280" Title="How can I tell my aunt that I won't be 'Santa' next year" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8444" CreationDate="2017-12-27T12:27:19.173" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think I understand what you mean, though an example would be helpful. I had a colleague who would tell me something like 'Oh, you are such a clever lady' and I would immediately assume he's being sarcastic because nobody else talks like that. I mean, if I do a great work, I would expect 'Great job!' and not 'You are clever', it's an odd way of saying things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are saying something similar like 'Wow, lucky you', it might be taken as a jest. You should probably say something like 'Your parents seem to be wonderful people, you are lucky'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming you face this problem only with English and not with our local languages. But even otherwise, you will have to focus on your way of talking and learn from every experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think for a minute on what you want to say before plunging into a conversation. Once your thoughts are clear, you can frame proper sentences in your mind and then join in. Try to avoid long sentences, pause whenever you need time to regroup.This will slow down your speech a bit but as you participate in more conversations, you'd be able to express yourself more clearly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T12:27:19.173" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8444" CreationDate="2017-12-27T12:55:00.877" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your point on this occasion became overly complex because you tried to adjust what you said to please a crowd of people, likely all giving you different reactions, mixed signals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you speak to an individual you adjust your words and your tone in 'real time' as you see the expression on their face change. They can also see your facial expression which will reflect that you are being sincere. A huge percentage of communication is non-verbal. When you speak to a group your tone is different than when communicating one-to-one. You speak louder to be heard by more people. You look around the group so instead of gauging just one reaction you are seeing lots of different reactions. Perhaps this is why your sincere compliment came across incorrectly? The colleague you were speaking about may also have been influenced in her reaction by the reaction of others - they were in a way telling her that she had been insulted, but she may not necessarily have thought that herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps reserve this kind of personal observation for private conversations in future. If you need to put things right with the colleague who was the subject of your compliment, do so casually and in a one-to-one conversation. &lt;strong&gt;Perhaps say:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just wanted to say that my comment the other day about the way your&#xA;  parents raised you was a sincere compliment. I am sorry that I raised&#xA;  it in front of the group like that, it came across wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T13:03:02.103" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T13:03:02.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8477" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8473" CreationDate="2017-12-27T13:00:29.647" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Only an answer to your first question, but here it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With her behaviour she is bullying you. No need to come up with excuses, just tell her you did it once and that's the end of it because you really did not like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she insists suggest she plays santa next year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;EDIT:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like cHao clarifies in the comments, avoid conflict and take one for the team (where team = aunt) by being santa anyway, or stand up for yourself and make it clear you will not be persuaded to comply to her wishes. You say the tradition is &quot;one of the cousins&quot;, but from your questions it's very clear it has to be you and not any other cousin (because either they don't want to, or it is not the 'right' one).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2848" LastEditorDisplayName="user2848" LastEditDate="2017-12-28T10:28:53.983" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T10:28:53.983" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8478" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-27T13:14:17.933" Score="3" ViewCount="1924" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who is literally bored of everything (Male, in his twenties, student).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The individual is studying a very interesting subject, Computing Science. He is an average student. He is in his 3rd year and he hardly knows/remembers any of the programming skills he supposedly learned in the classroom. He sleeps 14 hours a day, waking up only to forcibly go to classes, do some university assignments (always at the last day or two) and maybe socialise, if he is invited to any social event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In multiple occasions the individual confesses his inability to code and asks for help with his coding related assignments. He shows no interest in learning whatsoever, and if he does anything on his own he just copies code from the internet, without learning what each code segment does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried multiple times to help him understand when he asks for help, but he just says that he is bored of learning why something works, and wants to see the code required for it (of course I have never provided any code but only explanations and links to documentation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end of the day his reasoning for not learning any code is that he did not get taught in the classroom enough to do the assignments and that his teachers expect him to learn on his own (in case anybody wonders, this is true and intended in the computing science business, as we have to learn to adapt to new technologies in a daily basis).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another reason he provides that he doesn't want to spend his time to learn coding is because he is bored. I have to add that being bored is one of his daily reasons for not doing anything (laundry, food, socialise).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have in multiple occasions explained that he should try practicing on his own, or with me if he wants with different projects, to get better. My reasoning is that he already wastes enough money from his own parents for his studies and that even if he ever gets a diploma or a bachelors he won't be able to get any job in our business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though he looks like the typical bro in University, he is very smart in terms of user psychology and human-computer interaction. In addition to that he tends to read in a frequent basis articles and research material on his own, for no reason, different subjects (cross referencing in multiple occasions too). Something that has lead me to suggest him to follow a research occupation, which of course he answered that at some point he gets bored.&#xA;Last, when he speaks for his future he notes to everyone, that if he does not pass he will just get a job anywhere and call it a day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know, not everyone is meant for being a scientist and a professional, and not being one is not considered as anything subpar. My only issue is that I can see potential in his skill and reasoning but non-existing motivation to train that. Before it's too late I want to help my friend start being just a little more productive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any suggestion would be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8598" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T14:42:42.620" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T17:11:13.093" Title="How would I help a person who is bored of everything to start being a little more productive?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2017-12-27T18:10:44.943" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8473" CreationDate="2017-12-27T13:33:38.683" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Try to evoke her sympathy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this is a great Christmas get-together and everybody should have a good time. This is hardly something she could argue against. Try to evoke her sympathy by making clear that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you didn't enjoy being Santa.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;your performance was lacking and you won't be able to improve, because of your weaknesses/shortcomings (being bad at public speaking, awkwardness etc.). &lt;em&gt;She did you a favor by criticizing your performance, so you can use her own words against her. Make clear that these are &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; problems and &lt;strong&gt;structural&lt;/strong&gt; ones you can't change.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the earlier Santa really enjoys playing Santa and everyone agrees that she is doing a great job.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't accuse her of something, make it sound as if it was an experiment worth performing, but it turned out to create a lose-lose situation. Reverting back to the old order is a win-win situation for all involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggested to not criticize or accuse &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt;, because she may then feel this was a personal attack against her and be less willing to even hear your arguments. And she seems to have greater leverage than you do. By blaming yourself, while making clear that you don't enjoy it also, it's a good first try to make her change her mind. Even if it fails, you could still try different approaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;You are just asking about this aunt specifically, so I didn't cover this point, but I want to mention it nonetheless: It's maybe worth trying to each out to the other aunts and uncles, so that they at least know you don't like it and may (tentatively) support a change.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T14:49:27.037" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T14:49:27.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-27T13:39:29.883" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who isn't religious but has been guilt-tripped into going to church or celebrating the way others wanted me to in the past, and as someone who has dated two guys who were atheists, I want to offer my insight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guy #1 stopped going to church when he was really young (still in elementary school) because he didn't want to share a spoon with hundreds of people during Holy Communion. His mom was really religious, and superstitious but he had the right attitude and she backed down. She stopped trying to change him. She always thought there is something wrong with him but he fought for his beliefs and didn't mind what family and friends thought of him anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guy #2, whose parents are Catholics, had difficulty standing his ground and acting like an adult towards his parents, in general. Parents were pretty good at making decisions for him and he let them because he wanted to avoid conflict. He got lucky because as he grew older his parents stopped going to church themselves. They changed, so he got away with having to change himself. This was the easy way out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry for being brutally honest here but this is going to be a fight or flight situation.&#xA;You'll either have to face the negative consequences of standing your ground or avoiding being available that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I go about telling my parents in no uncertain terms &quot;Traditions&#xA;  be damned, I absolutely refuse to go&quot; for the above reasons &lt;strong&gt;without&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;getting into a&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;But this is tradition!&quot; &lt;strong&gt;fight&lt;/strong&gt; with my parents?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;cannot happen. You are asking to have your cake and eat it, too. You're asking to keep everyone happy. Someone is going to feel displeased and disappointed and by trying to please your parents you're making yourself miserable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What happens if you just stand your ground and not go, period?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you answered: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It gets into a yelling and swearing argument and they essentially&#xA;  rage-mode me into joining them. My mom and dad are forces of nature...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, &quot;you&quot; need to get into a fight to assert your boundaries. I've done this as a last resort when the other party wasn't taking no for an answer. It's the fact that you don't want to experience the negative emotions that come with setting boundaries and saying &quot;No&quot; to loved ones, that is the real issue here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but at the age of 27, nobody takes you somewhere you don't want to go. I understand you are trying to avoid conflict but this isn't always healthy. You are postponing dealing with it and you'll have to deal with it later (e.g if you don't want to get married in a church or don't want to get married even). Your parents are not respecting you as an adult here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me this isn't about the allergy or anxiety. These are secondary reasons. The real reason is that you don't like it. Period. It's your right. Your parents, friends, whoever in your life, will be finding ways to help you deal with the allergy or anxiety or whatever else but they can't MAKE you like going to church or believe in something you don't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If you choose to fight (= saying &quot;No&quot;):&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be firm, repeat NO calmly, breathe, and keep silent when they start asking questions or saying stuff to trigger responses from you. Don't answer. You don't have to explain. You've done this in the past. Keep yourself busy. It might help if you role-play this with a friend first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; have said in the past under similar conditions:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not going this time. I've made up my mind and you won't make me&#xA;  change it...you won't make me do something I don't want to do anymore...You're not respecting my decision... I have already told you how I feel about this...I said what I wanted to say. I'm not going to argue with you anymore. End of discussion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you start getting upset, go for a walk until you calm down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If you choose to flight:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be available. Have other plans and don't be home those days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is meant to &quot;cure&quot; the symptoms (not the cause) you experience during the confrontation you appear to want to avoid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look, you can't change your parents and you know that. But with the right attitude you might convince them that they can't change you either. This won't happen overnight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T17:08:15.850" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T17:08:15.850" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8473" CreationDate="2017-12-27T13:40:59.830" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not all interpersonal problems can be resolved with everyone happy and hugging kissing one another, especially if the person making the trouble is a bully.  The OP does not say if bullying behavior is typical for this aunt.  If it is atypical, I suggest trying a heart-to-heart, private discussion in which he tells her just what he said here.  He can even get down on his knees and plead with her to let him off the hook. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't agree, or if she is typically a bully, I suggest writing a short note, copied to all the relevant people, saying that you stepped in to solve a crisis, hated the role, will always hate the role, and that you absolutely will not be Santa next year or any year thereafter, and that you refuse to discuss the matter further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then stick to your guns. If the aunt broaches the subject again, change the subject, walk away from her, or get up from your chair and leave the gathering.  Yes, this will cause unpleasantness, but remember that bullies always win unless someone stands up to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit in response to OP's Comment&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would say this Aunt falls somewhere between your two cases.&#xA;  Certainly not typical behavior but in those 1% times of heightened&#xA;  stress she is known to behave like she did this Christmas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that case, give it several months for the stress to recede and than make your private plea.  You made your case very well in your Question, and this is the case to make to your aunt.  I suggested falling to your knees as a touch of humor; if you are uncomfortable with oversized gestures, or if she doesn't have a sense of humor, this might not work.  An added argument for you to use is that your taking on the role of Santa again will make you unhappy, your cousin unhappy and her parents unhappy.  Reiterate that you agreed to solve a crisis, but now there are months to find a solution that does not involve you, and you will not discuss this further.  For this discussion, you might wear a T-shirt saying &quot;I will never be Santa again.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T14:24:58.200" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T14:24:58.200" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8478" CreationDate="2017-12-27T13:41:11.150" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on my personal experience I will answer your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to say some things about myself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also did Computing Science college, also in my 3° year of college I stopped and just resumed after a year of 'boring things to do', also in that year I had no social life and I was just stuck in my room playing video games and sleeping 10 - 12 hours/day. Since I told you this, now I will tell you how I got over all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First&lt;/strong&gt; Probably your friend has some kind of depression, it's the most common problem in the world and people just don't know how to deal with. For this problem there is 2 ways to get out (that I know), first is go get professional help and second is with help of friends and family. In my case I got out of depression by constant help of friends and family, if your friend does not have a relationship, try to introduce him to some girl or boy that he will actually bond (this really helps with the depression part).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second&lt;/strong&gt; Help your friend to get a job in your area, even if it does not pay much, this is the only way I found to get real interest on learning how to deal with programming problems and stuff. An internship is my best advice in this case, he will not work so hard, but still get some money to spend and he will must go after information that helps him in work. (You can ask for his parents help with this, they will need to stop giving him money to buy stuff, he needs to learn the value of things.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third&lt;/strong&gt; Get him out of the house, he will not practice at home, he will not have interest in there, home is his safe spot, and you need to get him out of there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With these 3 steps your friend will start realising that life is not just sleep, eat and games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;MOST IMPORTANT&lt;/strong&gt; : In cases like his and mine, we always need someone saying to us that we metter and we can do more, that we are awesome... this is not because we don't believe that or we don't realise it, most of people try to get out of this situations but goes back to the safe zone and the nightmare starts all over again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is some part of my history too, hope it helps you and if you need more info just ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: Now I'm graduated, living with my future wife, getting money, I have a good car and a good apartment and I never stoped doing stuff that were from my safe zone like gaming. I hope your friend gets better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10243" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T14:39:22.897" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T14:39:22.897" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8473" CreationDate="2017-12-27T15:06:35.887" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;This feels like an &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/66377/what-is-the-xy-problem&quot;&gt;XY problem...&lt;/a&gt; (not saying this question is an XY problem, just the situation that prompted it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your aunt is upset about her daughter and rather than addressing that, she had drinks and redirected her feelings into the &quot;Santa&quot; thing. You ended up having the rotten luck of being a casualty of her redirect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People get a little weird around the holidays, and even weirder when they have lingering unresolved family problems, and much more weird when they pour alcohol on top of all of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really sounds like your aunt was uncomfortable about her situation with her daughter and was probably having trouble getting into the holiday spirit because of that. Stirring things up with the Santa thing was her misguided way of trying to &quot;get in the holiday spirit&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In interpersonal problems it's pretty common to see this sort of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm upset about X, but I can't do anything about X right now. Maybe Y will make me feel better...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually Y has nothing at all to do with X, it's just a distraction. Something else to think about. But keep in mind that Y suddenly takes on a lot of the emotional charge of X.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously you can't force your aunt to resolve problems with her daughter over the coming year. Hopefully that will happen, but there's likely little you can do there. Understanding what's going on and why things happened is a step in the right direction though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that you won't find yourself in that position next year, but if you're worried about it some jokes about how bad you were at being Santa may help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, no no no, I won't be playing Santa again. I was as awkward as a dog in socks last time, remember? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little self deprecating humor can go a long way in these situations. If you remember a specific line you flubbed, or a particular misstep, just mock yourself a little bit and laugh about it. Jokes have a way of allowing you to decline while keeping the mood light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T20:33:36.957" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T20:33:36.957" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8478" CreationDate="2017-12-27T15:57:02.653" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to start here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Last, when he speaks for his future he notes to everyone, that if he does not pass he will just get a job anywhere and call it a day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, it sounds like he has a plan for his future. He's simply not very motivated to achieve beyond that, because he doesn't feel the need to. Unless you have the power to make this backup plan fail, there's not a whole lot you can do. You could point out some flaws in the backup plan, if you see them, but be prepared for rebuttals. (&quot;You won't make as much money!&quot; &quot;Meh, I don't need lots of money.&quot; etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't make someone else be motivated - that's something that has to come from within. What you can do is fan the flames when his interest is sparked, and encourage him to go further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also play career advisor and suggest ways to channel these interests into potential employment. It seems like you've tried this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He tends to read in a frequent basis articles and research material on his own, for no reason, different subjects (cross referencing in multiple occasions too). Something that has lead me to suggest him to follow a research occupation, which of course he answered that at some point he gets bored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So at this point, I'd just stick to encouragement. &quot;Wow, that's so interesting! I wonder if...? Do you know?&quot; to push him to keep at it. Make him feel good about himself for doing the things, and that positive reinforcement can help him stick with it longer. If it's something that you personally don't care for, you might be able to point him towards a person or a group that does take an interest in it, so he could continue discussing and learning about it with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said: it's great that you care about your friend's future, but &lt;strong&gt;this is not your problem to solve&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may simply not like computer science that much, and hasn't found his true passion yet. Not everyone figures out what they want to do when they're in college! Being decent or even smart at something doesn't mean that's what they will be happy doing all their life. People can change careers. There are also plenty of jobs which don't require long-term concentration on one topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may also be depressed, have ADHD, or some other condition that a professional would need to diagnose. If you are concerned, you can suggest he see a professional (your university may even have some on site for low cost).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also suggest he talks to a career counselor (again, which your university likely has), or to people in jobs that he is considering. This could give him clarity and make him realize the importance of his studies, as academic work and actual work can seem very disconnected at times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(As a side note, I do not recommend suggesting a &lt;em&gt;romantic&lt;/em&gt; relationship to solve his productivity issues - that just shifts the burden to the new partner instead of you. And what if it doesn't work out? If he's depressed, now he's even more depressed, and now someone else is frustrated with him too. The support of friends and family is very helpful, but let relationships develop for their own sake, not to try and fix some issue.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T17:11:13.093" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T17:11:13.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-27T17:35:54.737" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Im from the UK and not religious, so it's a bit different from being in the US, but something I have yet to see anyone answer is talk to the Priest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have met many religious people in my life and they are all nice reasonable people. Far more reasonable that your parents are being. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your description of yourself sounds just like me, hightly asthmatic and socially anxious so I know how bad these experiences can be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I woud suck it up and go to church, it's very important for your parents and it's only a few hours twice a year. Adulthood is about finding compromises, especially if you want to keep everyone happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you go to the same church each year, I would speak with the priest a few days before (don't drop it on him at the last minute). Explain your situation and make clear what you want out of it, do you want him to have a word with your parents and excuse you or can he find you a seat away from the children and the incense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not being familiar with religion, I do not know if the incense is special or can be changed. If you are asking for it to be changed, make sure to come with solutions, either brand abc are bad but xyz don't set you off or better yet offer to provide incense that you are ok with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10632" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-27T18:37:29.297" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T18:37:29.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8427" CreationDate="2017-12-27T17:54:59.077" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If this friend will not let up about paying for the check, offer to &lt;strong&gt;cover the tip&lt;/strong&gt;. Make sure you have cash on you whenever you go out to eat with him and when he insists on the check, say you'll cover the tip, take your cash out, and set it on the table.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could make it a point that if he wants to continue picking up the tab, you'll make sure to cover the tip each time, hopefully alleviating that awkward check dance at the end of the meal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe this is a good way to allow both parties to &quot;get what they want.&quot; Your friend clearly likes to pay for the meal for whatever reason and you want to feel like you're contributing so let him pick up the tab but cover the tip so you contribute to the overall bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastEditorUserId="1839" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T20:46:21.100" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T20:46:21.100" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8427" CreationDate="2017-12-27T18:53:47.567" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here in Quebec you can ask for two separate bills and it is socially acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, whenever I visit friends in Toronto it seems to be customary to have one bill between friends and one person takes care of it. In that case, you can always try this method, but this may be a faux pas in your area. If this is the case, when you are ready to pay and you see the waitress, tell her you will take the bill and be firm on this. Your friend may say that he will take the bill, just tell your friend &quot;I insist.&quot; and look at the waitress and say &quot;I'll take the bill. Thank you.&quot; without giving your friend a chance to respond to her. When she arrives with the bill, she should hand it to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3442" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T18:53:47.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8467" CreationDate="2017-12-27T21:07:58.847" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are, unfortunately, layers to this question that are going to make it a bit tricky to navigate.  First, I should say that giving advice is easy - any idiot can do it; I do it all the time.  It's taking advice that's the hard thing to do; you have to consider and assess what people suggest, then decide what you think you can do, and what you think is the wisest and perhaps most useful course of action.  Then you have to try to put it into effect - no small challenge!  All that being said, though, here's where the fun starts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, one layer is the child:parent one.  As a parent and a former child, this is the one that really lights up for me.  Many of us parents really love our kids and really want to help them avoid the problems we wrestled with, but many of us are perhaps not so good at remembering what we wanted to hear when we were kids (and what worked or didn't work on us).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, there's the cultural layer - not, perhaps surprisingly, the Asian culture, but the generational culture.  The rules change from generation to generation.  What we got from our parents is often what we use on our kids (unless we resolve not to make our parents' mistakes, in which case we make our grandparents' mistakes..).  However, our kids are not the same as we were, other than being young, somewhat inexperienced and a bit sensitive to well-meant parental badgering.  The rules that we are expected to accept are not the same as the rules our parents were expected to accept, and they're often rather different from what we're willing to accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, there's the other cultural layer - the Asian one.  This one I'm not too competent to comment on, other than what I've picked up from my wife (the daughter of two Chinese parents of the 1930s vintage).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, there's the female layer, which in my observation is a Real Thing - young men and young women have different expectations from the parents, and often have to deal with different well-meant badgering (although of course there's a lot of generic, non-gender-specific parental nagging that takes place).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK - so what can you do?  Here, speaking as a former child, I found that standing up for my autonomy as a young adult in my own right was surprisingly ineffective.  It led to more conflict, rather than less.  If conflict is the goal, that's fine, but my goal was to get less of the personal badgering about my perceived failures as an adult (and I suspect you may feel that way as well).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a parent, I rather surprisingly found that parental badgering was not the ideal approach - as it tended to make my kids dig in their heels and (if anything) do the disapproved behavior even more (exactly the way I had, although in my case it was due to strong-willed, principled self-determination, while in their case it was pig-headed self-destructive foolishness).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interestingly, my lovely wife found a very effective method, although she is still, all these many years later, dealing with the emotional baggage that having two well-meaning, but very traditional, parents can impart.  Her method, which I heartily recommend, was (and is) to smile, and agree, and then do whatever the hell she intends to do without saying anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly, this situation is less suited for that method, but there is a way to approximate it.  Perhaps you could do some pre-emptive maneuvering; when you arrive for a visit, maybe you could be full of enthusiasm about the gym you have just joined, and how much more energy you have, now that you're exercising regularly, and whatever other baloney you can quickly toss out to distract them from their well-meant but supremely irritating criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If (as may perhaps be the case) this concern about your weight has some ulterior motive - which would not be at all surprising (my lovely wife, for instance, is increasingly concerned with when our two sons are going to generate another generation of family) - some casual mention of the various nice young men at the gym might also be a useful gambit.  Be aware, though, that this is a Highly Risky maneuver, and has been known to backfire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Parental Management is an interesting field of study, and will perhaps serve you well later on the fields of Significant Other and (if you so desire) Spousal Management.  These are all more of the judo than the kung fu styles of emotional martial arts, at least when it comes to the successful forms I have observed.  The more you can focus on your opponents, and avoid getting too reactive (again, no small challenge), the better your chances of having the outcome be more to your liking.&#xA;In the meantime, anything (within reason, of course) you can do to soothe and distract your parents from their fixation (however well-meant) on your appearance, especially if you find yourself reacting uncomfortably to it, will be helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, for what it's worth, my personal feeling about excess weight, something I have been very prone to over lo, these many years, is that it's a real bugger to get rid of, especially when you really pay attention to it.  I didn't actually lose a lot of my accumulated weight until GI tract problems forced me to stop eating many of the things I loved the most (especially baked goods).  When you stop eating things that contain gluten, the pounds just drop off on their own.  I'm not recommending it, mind you - I still have wistful dreams about muffins - but it is astonishingly effective.  And, I found that not paying any attention to it made me less likely to weaken in my dietary choices.  checking the weight about every season seemed to work out fine, too.  Much more satisfying to see that I now weighed 20 pounds less than only 1.2 pounds less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, for what it's worth, whatever you feel about the weight is not going to match what other people feel about it.  For instance, take a moment some time to look around you at the various couples you see.  I'm always amazed at how strikingly unattractive many of us couples are, married or unmarried - on the outside only, I hasten to add - which always made me feel much better about things, since I'm a whole lot less unattractive than most of the people I saw (and I suspect you are as well).  And the great thing about diversity is that there really is someone who will think someone else is the most irresistible thing going, regardless of the opinions of the parents involved.  But that's another answer to another question, so perhaps I'd better stop here before I have to edit this into chapters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10636" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T21:07:58.847" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8473" CreationDate="2017-12-27T21:20:42.840" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I'm actually not clear on is whether the aunt in question has anything to do with actually deciding who gets (or who's got) to be the family Santa. Is it her call? Or is it decided kind of by announcing yourself as a volunteer--which she has basically done on your behalf?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, I think you'd best start by finding another Santa. Any cousins owe you favours? Get someone else to start letting it slip that it's their turn, and then when it comes up, let your aunt know that, as much as you'd love to do it, you are graciously deferring to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise come next Christmas with no Santa, you will be the family grinch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1687" LastActivityDate="2017-12-27T21:20:42.840" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8496" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-28T00:00:09.613" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I go about telling my parents in no uncertain terms &amp;quot;Traditions be damned, I absolutely refuse to go&amp;quot; for the above reasons without getting into a &amp;quot;But this is tradition!&amp;quot; fight with my parents?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think, first, you have to let go of trying to use logic against an emotional argument.  Let's analyze their position:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents have been attending two services a year with their children for nearly their entire married life.  This is an entrenched family tradition they started which they would like to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They want you to continue to participate in their tradition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with Monica's answer that you may have to accept it's their tradition, and compromise if you don't want to damage your relationship further.  Such compromises might be going in two separate vehicles so you can leave early if your anxiety surfaces.  You might talk to the priest beforehand to identify areas of the chapel less likely to be noisy or where the scents are reduced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's say you've already decided that, like them, you are unwilling to compromise and you need to make a clean break from family tradition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to build another bridge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a bridge they built over several decades that makes them feel connected to you in a way you can't quite understand, not having had children and developed traditions like this.  Please don't take this to mean you should accept their tradition, but do accept that this is an emotional bond for them that is important to their lives and a serious part of their relationship with you.  Breaking from it can cause a serious rift in your relationship if you don't build other bridges to replace or supplement your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest might simply be something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been going to church for Christmas and Easter mass for decades now.  I have some fond memories of the time I've spent with you.  Unfortunately due to health and other circumstances, this tradition has been a negative event for me for the last several years. We've discussed this a few times, but it appears there's no good solution.  I hate losing this tradition, but I'm wondering if there are other activities we could do that would be equally meaningful we can do around these holidays that don't cause these problems for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also willing to consider continuing these traditions under significantly modified conditions if you believe my attendance is necessary for your happiness, but they can't continue the way we've been doing them.  I'm working on, or intend to work on, these issues separately with my doctors so perhaps we can resume these traditions fully if I can resolve the problems they cause for me, but for now let's talk about some traditions we might want to start which would allow all of us full participation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bring a list of traditions that you think your family would enjoy.  There are thousands around the world to choose from, but be aware of and thoughtful of your parent's religion and family desires. I don't think you will succeed if your suggestions are oppositional to their religion, current traditions, or don't include anything they would consider important for their religious holiday observances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I don't know enough about their religion and religious practice to understand their care and concerns for your spiritual life, but I've heard some indicate that if you attain a certain minimal amount of participation, religiously, then you would not suffer consequences of lack of participation.  It's possible that forcing you and your sister to attend these two observances meets some requirement they have for themselves or for you, so as to meet obligations to their or your spiritual existence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be tempting to say, &amp;quot;It doesn't matter&amp;quot; and assert your autonomy in this matter, however this may be emotionally harmful for your parents.  You aren't responsible for their emotional health, of course, and if they choose to believe and worry about something you believe doesn't exist then you may also assert it is of their own doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However they are your parents, and spending several hours a year to make them happy and help them be at peace with their own beliefs might be worth the trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking this into account, though, if you can't attend and this is of primary importance to them, you might want to suggest instead that you will be meeting their religious obligations in some other way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of going to these special masses that are longer, more crowded, noisy, and scented than a normal mass, you might suggest instead attending a regular mass twice a year at a different time, or choosing one that is held at a different sanctuary that still meets their requirements but also meets your needs better. You might suggest that rather than attending mass you will start to meet with the religious authority twice a year until your doctors provide you with assurance that you can attend without suffering significantly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all these conversations, assert your love for your parents and your desire to be with them. You want to improve your relationship with them, but the current tradition is damaging your relationship. There should be a solution that makes things better, though perhaps not perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, if you bring up your concerns with their religious leader privately, you may be able to find out some of the foundation for their desires, as well as paths you haven't considered that may meet your parent's needs without having to continue that tradition. Your parents would probably see this meeting as a sign of good faith, love, and effort, and may be more open to compromise.  You can attend separately or together, and chances are good the leader will be more helpful to your cause than you might think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T00:00:09.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8497" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-28T00:05:29.283" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Atheist Aspie with some very religious Catholic relatives, so I can relate to some of this!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was just a matter of &quot;church does nothing for me&quot;, I'd say that this is one of the things you might just have to endure in the name of family harmony. But the other issues you've mentioned indicate problems with the dynamic that do need to be addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Autism often has a hereditary component. Even if your parents are not autistic &lt;em&gt;per se&lt;/em&gt;, it might be helpful to think about their behaviour through that lens. Trying to put myself in their shoes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm a creature of habit; I dislike changing my routines and especially at short notice.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might consider discussing this issue with them well in advance; it's probably not too early to start talking about what's going to happen at Easter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If my plans are disrupted, I can find it hard to adapt - I focus so hard on Plan A that there's no Plan B.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be able to help by proposing alternative plans. Skeith's suggestion of talking to the priest is excellent - &quot;hi, my parents want me and my sister to go to church with them, but I have serious issues with incense and noisy children, can you suggest any options for avoiding that?&quot; Depending on your relationship with your sister, you might also discuss it with her and see if she has any ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can present it as &quot;The service at $CHURCH1 doesn't work for me because of the noise and incense, but I can make it to $CHURCH2 instead&quot; this is a very different dynamic to just refusing their proposal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I get anxious about interpersonal relationships because I have difficulty reading cues that indicate whether I am valued etc.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Christmas and Easter are the only family times for your parents, it's possible that these events are becoming a focus for broader anxieties about their relationship with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How much contact do you have with them outside those two times of year? If the answer is &quot;not much&quot;, it's possible that working on this will help. A short phone call once a fortnight, or email if that works better for you. (I'm a big fan of asynchronous communication; it gives me a chance to think about stuff before I reply, instead of having to ad-lib.) The content of this communication is less important than the fact that it's happening. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to be clear: you have every right to set boundaries about going to church, especially with the allergy and anxiety issues you've mentioned! But sometimes these things work out easier if you can show the other person a solution that doesn't feel like a defeat for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8568" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T00:05:29.283" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8499" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8467" CreationDate="2017-12-28T01:50:53.567" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;After reading the - IMHO very thoughtful - answers of clark and John Robinson, I'd like to add a bit of a different perspective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there any way, if any, that I can stop them from commenting about my weight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to be crystal clear about it, this is not about losing weight or not. This is about changing &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; behaviour in ways to possibly make them change theirs, like reduce commenting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, it may sound simple, but very difficult to do, doable, but very difficult, but possible to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The strategy I will suggest will apply &lt;strong&gt;non-ordinary&lt;/strong&gt; logic.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ordinary logic would include giving reasons, asking them to put themselves into your position, feel the detrimental effects of the commenting, and ask them to stop. I assume that has been tried to some extent and failed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me now select distinct patterns from your question and develop and suggest a strategy step by step. This might surprise some of you, even raise concerns maybe, and I would like to ask readers to share their thoughts and comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Key No. 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They always used my culture as an excuse that they comment about my weight because they care about me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I absolutely agree with OP. We need to separate intention from effect here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For them it is &lt;strong&gt;caring&lt;/strong&gt; and therefore well-intentioned. But detrimental in its effects. They apparently don't consider effects, but continue &quot;caring&quot; obsessively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't go against that. If they stopped commenting, for them it is stopping caring, which is neglecting their duties as parents and become total failures. Your family is strong and proud, they will not let that happen, and they should not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather utilise their intentions and values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Key No. 2&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but on my side, I become overwhelmed by the same comments every day. This along with other problems at home makes me feel like I don't wanna go home again, ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Totally understandable and adequate, in my opinion. If I cannot stop an unpleasant stimulus, I can at least avoid it, so it won't hit me.&#xA;This is ordinary logic though. The stimulus will not hit, but the consequences will: the more you avoid it, the more they obsess commenting. The more you reason and argue, they more they obsess commenting. Am I right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is to avoid avoiding, to not run away from it, but rather invite it, even demand it from them. This is difficult. This is counter-intuitive. This is sort of like Aikido.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest the following steps, to be presented calmly, directly, one after the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 1&lt;/strong&gt; - connect to their value system&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Mum and Dad, I have been thinking a lot of what you said about my weight. At first, I resisted it, then I came to think. It took me a while to realise that you are helping me. But you need to know, losing weight for me is hard work, and in order to achieve that distant goal, let me ask you if I can count on you to continue helping me as good parents, maybe even harder than you did so far (get non-verbal and verbal approval from them)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 2&lt;/strong&gt; - demand action from them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As you know, I will be going back to college in ..., and won't have you near to support me with your comments, so I want to respectfully ask you - as your daughter - to help me not only today but when I'm back in (...). I need to have your guidance in front of me, in our language, that connects me to you and our culture, so I can go over it again and again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 3&lt;/strong&gt; - demand precise and systematic comments&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is what I need from you: Please, look at me, closely and carefully, and write everything down on paper. Please don't let yourself stop by false courtesy and be as honest and as specific as possible. &#xA;  Write your comments on my weight, my body not only in general, different parts of my body, like my legs, my buttocks, my belly, my arms, my back, my neck, my face, my head. Please write about the detrimental effects of the weight to my body, my brain, my language abilities, as specific as possible. Please include references not only to my uncle, but to other people as well. I thought about half an hour per day, until I leave might be the bare minimum.&#xA;  Let's get ready and start today at ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 4&lt;/strong&gt; - do it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Gather in a room/place with them, bring a clock, ideally an alarm clock or a timer, paper and pens. Set the alarm to 30 minutes. Let them look at you and cheerlead them to write. When they talk instead, respectfully remind them that you need it on paper to take it with you and have it not only today, but every day, have them write it down. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In case they complete it before the 30 minutes are over, respectfully motivate them to identify more and write it down, or at least check their notes and amend. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the alarm goes off, stop and set the next meeting for a specific time next day. Take the writings from them, thank them, don't read it. Then go about your daily activities.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In case they start to talk about neutral or even pleasant topics during the 30 minutes, join in, and just from time to time respectfully ask them to do their &quot;assignment&quot; (don't call it like this though). Stick to the 30 minutes strictly.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do this again the next day, the day after the next day, on a daily basis. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;At a certain point, your parents may ask to not continue this, either because they already wrote everything down, or they got tired of it, or both. Respectfully remind them of their valued support with their comments. You may postpone tomorrow's session for one day, but make sure that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; get back to them and ask them to continue writing after the &quot;free day&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In case they start commenting in any situation, ask them &lt;strong&gt;immediately&lt;/strong&gt; to write that down, because you can't afford to miss a single comment. If there's no pen and paper available in that situation, either carry one with you and hand it to them immediately, or ask them to keep that one in mind and write it down during the next session. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how much time you spend at home with your family, so it might be appropriate to - after some time - just have 1 session per week. Remember to be active about it and ask if they can provide additional comments in writing. If they decline, let it be for now but ask again a few days later. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Non-ordinary logic has been studied and applied thousands of years ago in Asia, Greece and Rome as &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thirty-Six_Stratagems&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;stratagems&lt;/a&gt; for winning wars. Those strategies have been scientifically researched and implemented in interpersonal communication by various scholars, among them &lt;a href=&quot;https://mri.org/paul-watzlawick/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Paul Watzlawick from Palo Alto Mental Research institute&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T01:50:53.567" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8467" CreationDate="2017-12-28T02:44:37.513" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would use your primary care provider as the key to this.  You could invite your parents to go with you to an appointment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your doctor is the best person to advise you on whether your health would benefit from a change in weight, and if so, what approaches are advisable to effect this change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your doctor can explain to your parents how they can best be helpful.  Your doctor can also answer any questions your parents may have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could, alternatively, go to your appointment to discuss your weight with your doctor &lt;em&gt;on your own, without your parents&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, it is perfectly fair to tell your parents that your weight is something you are addressing with your doctor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, you may wish to look for an alternate summer activity.  Sometimes a bit of a break from family ends up strengthening the relationship in the long run.  It's nice to visit family &lt;em&gt;because one wants to&lt;/em&gt; rather than &lt;em&gt;because one has nowhere else to go on break&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T02:44:37.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8501" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-28T03:15:14.250" Score="4" ViewCount="1574" Body="&lt;p&gt;How can I explain, to my partner, that my online interactions, particularly here on Stack Exchange, are important and of value to me with the goal of them not feeling frustrated that I'm &quot;wasting&quot; my time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner gets really frustrated hearing me talk about — or even seeing me on — Stack Exchange. It most often comes up in a conversational context. They'll mention something that relates to a question I answered or an interaction I had on Stack Exchange and I'll relate that experience. As in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I just answered a question about something like that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But they tend to not see online interaction as valuable or relatable as &quot;real life&quot; interactions. I would understand simple disinterest in online communities, but disinterest in common causes and topics &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; they're tied to online interaction seems a little odd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;SE is often meaningful to me because I like the altruism of it. Where else in your day-to-day life do you get to reach across oceans and continents and help someone with a question that's been bugging them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also the community, or social, side of it. Over time you get to know people around the sites you frequent. Occasionally you even grow to like a few of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With Interpersonal Skills specifically, it gets a bit more meaningful... for me at least. One of my goals is to be the sort of person that I needed when I was younger. To reach out and help people dealing with some really difficult stuff. IPS gives me opportunities to do that. Offering an answer and a few kind words to someone on the other side of the world who's going through something that I've been through... Well that's some pretty good stuff right there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've explained all of this to my partner, at great length, over and over again. They still seem to think that it's a waste of time, and that I could be doing more meaningful things, in real life, like joining an activist/volunteer group, to accomplish some of those same goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've ended up deleting the Stack App and cutting back my time on the network considerably, to be accommodating, and to make my time with them uninterrupted. I figured that it was just a time management issue at first, but it seems like they just don't understand why Stack Exchange is a little different than the usual internet forum and instead see it as a complete waste of time and energy to be involved in &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; online community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a polite way to explain why I use Stack Exchange to my significant other in a way that they'll be a little more inclined to accept that it's something that's important/valuable to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2017-12-31T03:48:20.583" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T20:13:14.603" Title="How can I explain to my partner that my online interactions are important to me to reduce their frustration when I talk about them?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;stack-exchange&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8503" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-28T07:48:26.430" Score="1" ViewCount="726" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not particularly good at picking up on social cues, and, regardless, a question of what cues might indicate the answer to my question would be more opinion-based.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For context, I am an 18-year-old male college student in the United States.  She is also 18.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We met a little less than half a year ago during orientation.  We talked some, but I was not interested in her at the time.  When school started about a month later, I noticed that I was running into her rather frequently, and we got to know each other a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I finally decided to ask her out roughly three months ago.  She said that her family would be in town, and, thus, she could not go.  Suffice it to say that this was true.  Now, what I had been planning for us to attend was a monthly event, and some schedule changes of mine made it far less viable for me to attend in the future.  Still unfamiliar with the local area, I could not think of much in the way of a substitute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had the same question then as I do now: I was not sure if she would have liked to go in the first place.  I did not want to risk being bothersome to her, so I took a cautious approach and did not reschedule.  Take this as a sub-question: in such a situation, would it be best to try to reschedule the date?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the semester intensified, my schedule became more erratic, and I saw her far less often.  About a month or so ago, though, she sent me a text out of the blue, and I started running into her a bit more frequently.  After some time, I decided to try to ask her out again.  Having learned from the first attempt, I first checked with her that her schedule was open.  While she initially could not think of any conflicts, she later said that she would be busy with a group project.  Again, this was true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it would be nice to know for this situation in specific, I ask in general: what strategies could I use to determine whether one would like to go on a date when an attempt at asking the person out has failed due to a schedule conflict?  Should I attempt to reschedule?  Should I simply ask?  Is there some kind of wording that I could weave into the original attempt that would make an ambiguous situation such as this less likely to result?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10649" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T12:50:18.693" Title="How could I determine if one simply could not or also would not like to go on a date?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2017-12-28T13:00:08.157" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8501" CreationDate="2017-12-28T09:28:29.570" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have failed at setting boundaries some time ago, I think. You partner should understand that it is possible for you to like something they do not - and prioritize differently - accordingly. I would have - if asked by my partner - answered that I like SE because I keep learning new stuff. Both by attempting an answer to problems I did not know one could have (like this one) - or by reading eloquent answers by others. Some times even the questions are highly informative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to the question, or my reinterpretation of it. How to explain? &lt;strong&gt;Don't.&lt;/strong&gt; Why? You are not obliged to spend every living second with your S.O. - nor to change the way you think or feel. Sometimes, our partners may deserve that we change the way we act - but think and feel: out of bounds. Some times our partners inspire us to change how we think and feel, but what you are describing &lt;strong&gt;is not it&lt;/strong&gt;. If your partner ever asks why, in a tone that is not passive agressive or demanding, try to answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5494" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T09:28:29.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8505" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8501" CreationDate="2017-12-28T10:02:12.090" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First assess whether you are in fact not too obsessed with Stack Exchange. Make sure that it does not get in the way of your regular life (for example when your SO says the dinner is ready, you need to go out now or you will be late, etc. and you always answer that you need to help some poor soul right now). This may get very irritating if it happens too often. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your SO is not interested in SE, do not bring the subject with her at all. If your SO brings it herself, do not continue a discussion. Both of you have already established and expressed your opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think your level of helping at SE is sane and within the general norms (meaning not yours or your partner's norms as both may be extreme), set the boundaries hard. Do not let your SO repeat herself - stop the discussion when you feel uncomfortable. As you have already provided the explanation there is no need to keep explaining yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An alternative to this is to try and drag your SO into your Stack Exchange activity. I had better success with this approach in life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastEditorUserId="222" LastEditDate="2017-12-28T17:02:14.550" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T17:02:14.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8467" CreationDate="2017-12-28T10:55:19.673" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience, &lt;strong&gt;reminding them multiple times&lt;/strong&gt; worked in my favor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be a bad example but when my parents refused to knock on my door for a very long time I just reminded them every time and also knowingly knocked more heavily on their door so they notice that I'm knocking on the door instead of just coming in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also noticed at a very early stage that my parents were showing me all these obese people on television, kind of trying to warn me of what's ahead. The thing is that I knew what the consequences would be but didn't really want them to remind me of them all the time. It became annoying even though I knew they only meant it in a good way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what I did was reminding them that &lt;strong&gt;I know what I'm doing and what's gonna happen if I don't stop&lt;/strong&gt;. And if that didn't help I actively &lt;strong&gt;avoided them&lt;/strong&gt; whenever they commented on it to show them that I really don't like these kinds of comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Parents won't just stop caring about their child's health overnight, even if the child in question knows exactly that obesity is a bad thing and they should avoid it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10653" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T10:55:19.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8473" CreationDate="2017-12-28T11:11:55.293" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers to this question are all good and interesting, so here's something a bit left field...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This conflict appears to have stemmed from an unspecified personal issue between your aunt and her daughter. Is there anything you can do to listen to your aunt's concerns about this, outside of the pressure cooker of a family get-together at Christmas?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That could be a great opportunity to support her and open up quite a personal conversation between you. It might not be easy to find the opportunity to bring up the subject, but I feel it would be good if you could.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During that conversation, you should perhaps try to get a chance to talk equally openly about how strongly you feel about being the centre of attention in 'santa-situations'. Don't focus on that exact situation, but be more general - offer up that vulnerability of yours and give her the chance to support you a bit as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a good relationship with her then it might be a chance to support each other. Listen to and reflect back your understanding of her concerns and see if together you can come up with ideas of ways to improve her situation with her daughter. If she can also listen to you and you can talk together about how you feel about those kinds of public situations, then she might see how what happened on the day was making the best of a bad situation, but not a template for future years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So much of this comes down to what your relationship with your aunt is like and how it's developed over the years. I can't make assumptions, but if your conversation with her helps improve the root situation with her daughter then the whole santa thing might become easier to resolve as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... no direct answer on santa, but perhaps a way forward in a slightly different direction that might get you to an answer before next Christmas :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10655" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T11:11:55.293" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8513" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8503" CreationDate="2017-12-28T12:50:18.693" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're asking for a strategy when the problem is actually that &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; might be the one using a strategy to avoid the date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to know for sure if she is just avoiding it is to be completely honest and transparent so as to break down any potential wall she is putting up, otherwise you're both just using strategies, and this isn't a game of chess. I would open up and just ask her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, the reason I asked you out on those two occasions is because&#xA;  I would really like to go on a date with you, but I don't want to bug&#xA;  you by continuing to ask. Honestly, what do you think about the idea&#xA;  of us going on a date?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for her to say that she just wants to be friends, and accept that if she does. But if she responds positively, ask her to suggest the date and then both put it in your schedules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Irregardless of how things work out with this girl, don't change the way you ask someone out on a first date in future. If you start employing 'strategies' I guarantee you won't get any dates at all. But on this occasion she has turned you down twice with similar excuses, and you want to know for definite if she is even interested in a date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T12:50:18.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8515" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-28T14:11:20.800" Score="2" ViewCount="324" Body="&lt;h1&gt;How do I prevent someone telling the same story again without being rude?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once had a neighbour, a lovely elderly lady who was very communicative. The first time we talked  she told me a story about her life as a young girl and how she met her husband. It was a wartime story, very interesting,  and I listened with undivided attention. The problem was, she repeated the same story each time we talked. Stir the conversation into a different direction proved to be impossible. I also tried expanding her subject, asking questions related of the era of her story, but she had no interest in those, only the specific events relating to her. We somehow always returned to her subject.  The lady wanted to tell that story, and not any other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of my coworkers display similar behaviour - they recite stories, usually featuring them in some funny or stressful situation again and again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are they &lt;em&gt;aware&lt;/em&gt; they had told this story already?  In some cases they must be, for example when their audience recounts the elements of the story with them (' I rememer that one!  Then you told the guitarist - ') but still, it won't stop the flow of the memories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reminding them outright that you already heard the story &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; stop it for that specific instance,  but good chances are that the story will resurface in another week or two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way to prevent this behaviour? &lt;em&gt;Should&lt;/em&gt; it be prevented at all,  or it's simply the way some people chose to communicate and those stories are integral part of them and an interruption would make them sad or frustrated? Would it better to tell them in case they're not aware, as in some cases coworkers tend to comment behind their backs in the cafeteria ('That bore Polonius was at it again, telling us that dusty anecdote about his meeting with Fortinbras, no one cares that they'd met in 1602.')&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1617" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T01:51:01.307" Title="How prevent repetitions of the same story?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-28T15:30:06.930" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8515" CreationDate="2017-12-28T14:47:08.003" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My initial instinct when confronted with an IPS problem is to consider why the person does what they do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case my instinct is that &lt;strong&gt;people who are retelling a story are attempting to relive an event that made them feel happy&lt;/strong&gt; about the person they were and hold onto that that is the person they still are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll hear the elderly talk about their youth but nothing from the past twenty years or someone who is lonely might recount stories of the party they last went to, someone who is out of work might talk about what they did for work before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't mean the repetition doesn't get tiring for you, however. The solution sounds like things you've already tried - attempt to change the subject - but perhaps bearing in mind why the person might want to tell the story. If you can &lt;strong&gt;find a topic which helps the story-teller fulfill their original aim but without recounting that particular story&lt;/strong&gt; that should satisfy both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite this, everyone is different, perhaps some people only want to tell that story for some reason, for example if they're going deaf then being the one talking makes it easier to negate the effects deafness would have on the conversation. You will have to &lt;strong&gt;assess each conversation individually&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T14:47:08.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8473" CreationDate="2017-12-28T16:30:17.770" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My comments have spurred interesting discussion, and I suggested looking at the options and will try to do that as an answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1&lt;/strong&gt;: Be santa next year&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aunt = happy&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Cousins that dont want to be santa = happy&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Cousin that has been santa and likes it = unhappy&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You = unhappy because entertaining is not your thing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2&lt;/strong&gt;: Decline being santa next year (and Aunt picks someone other than the cousin that had previously been santa -- this is not within your direct control but you can perhaps influence it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aunt = somewhat happy&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Cousin that likes being santa = unhappy&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Cousins that dont want to be santa - one is unhappy because he/she will be put into the same position you were&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You = unhappy (because you carry guilt for declining being santa which also caused one of your cousins to be put into the same position you were)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 3&lt;/strong&gt;: Decline being santa next year (and Aunt picks the cousin that had previously been santa -- this is not within your direct control but you can perhaps influence it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aunt = somewhat happy (for whatever reason she thinks this cousin has been santa enough already and wants to mix it up)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Cousin that likes being santa = happy&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Cousins that dont want to be santa - happy&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You = happy (because you are guilt free because cousin that wants to be santa is, no one that doesn't want to be santa has to be)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems like option 3 is the clear choice, if you can influence you Aunt to accept the cousin that freely volunteers into the roll without creating a drunken scene making virtually everyone uneasy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which leads to option 4.... discuss with your Aunt what happened and how that made you feel and how you feel it impacted the others and why it cannot be repeated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Thinking out loud on these options&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing missing from my options analysis is consideration for how the options affect the children. It is hard to imagine the children were not aware of the tension and uneasiness caused by the incident that occurred between the adult and which required catering to your Aunts demands to avoid a bigger blowout. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be top priority to make sure the children are not exposed to this again, and perhaps that should trump what your Aunt wants or how her mood is because of the relationship issues with her own daughter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is worth noting that in any of these scenarios, your Aunt or anyone else can throw a tantrum which changes the scenario entirely. Which leads to &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;option 5&lt;/strong&gt;: Have an adult discussion with your Aunt to communicate what happened cannot happen again. Then, get her and all the cousins together to get agreement on how next year's Santa will be handled well before. Consider past traditions as flexible and not set in stone. Maybe even decide that it is best for the children if a professional entertainer is selected to be santa. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2675" LastEditorUserId="4006" LastEditDate="2017-12-28T18:37:49.260" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T18:37:49.260" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8522" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8549" CreationDate="2017-12-28T18:16:58.503" Score="2" ViewCount="1481" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mom and I have kept in touch with my ex's parents, mostly his mom &quot;Suzanne&quot; and grandma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So we wanted and decided to send a Christmas card. My mom also wanted to make something for Suzanne, which she thought she would appreciate. (My mom is into crafts and is really good at sewing). She also wanted to send grandma a little something, a pair of earrings. It didn't cost her much because we have a friend who makes jewelry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my mom asked me (her English isn't as good as mine) to send Suzanne an email, telling her to expect a package before Christmas and to let us know when she received it. I did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then I get two emails. The first email was to let me know the package was received and that they couldn't wait to open it on Christmas day. They were thankful and excited blah blah...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I get nothing on Christmas day which I thought was strange and then I finally get an email two days later, saying that they still haven't opened the package. The reason given was that Suzanne basically felt or somehow guessed from the size of the package that not everyone would be getting a gift and not knowing who would and who would not, (she also didn't want grandma to get upset if she didn't get a gift) decided that the package should be opened some other time, not when the whole family was around. I was like &quot;Why make it such a big deal...at least the card was addressed to everyone...&quot; but alright.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this is the last I heard from Suzanne. I'm really curious if Suzanne finally opened the package and if she gave grandma the gift and if she liked the gift my mom made her so I would like to send an email asking about it. However, I'm not quite sure how to approach the fact that the package wasn't opened for the reasons mentioned and perhaps even apologize for not sending everyone gifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be useful to know that when we lived in the US my mom would bring everyone in the family gifts on Christmas day but this time she wasn't able to. My mom is also upset that mailing gifts sometimes costs more than the gift itself, which doesn't make mailing larger packages a good idea, unless you got money to waste.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is, &lt;strong&gt;how to tell Suzanne that we weren't able to get something for everyone this Christmas and to apologize if this made her uncomfortable in any way without sounding awkward.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had warned my mom this would be awkward and told her we should have sent a little something for everyone or a gift for the house instead but she didn't want to spend more money and perhaps didn't plan it right to begin with.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T10:57:29.933" Title="How to apologize for not sending gifts to every member of the family this Christmas" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8523" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-28T18:31:20.293" Score="40" ViewCount="20834" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since I was a little boy, I have always been fascinated by model trains. As I advanced in age, I mastered the art of model train assembly and have gone on various trips around the country to show off my collections and to examine others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However whilst I derive much satisfaction from this hobby, I have always hid it from my coworkers as if it were something to be embarrassed about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family was much more of the athletic-fandom variety:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No Dad, I don't care how many more rings Tom Brady has than Big Ben please keep your American football anecdotes for other company&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and never appreciated how much skill was needed for model trains.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am afraid that my coworkers will feel the same way. I do not wear my model train apparel to work after an incident at an old company. I worked remotely for years but now I am required to come into the office more frequently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a way I can subtlely bring up model trains and suss out an ill feelings towards the subject matter?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was considering reserving a conference room and setting up a small train exhibit as a way to build morale and also find out if there are any other fellow amateur conductors in my midst. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10667" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T01:57:49.927" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T10:00:30.600" Title="How to get my coworkers and family to respect my hobby" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2017-12-28T20:10:14.167" Score="91" Body="&lt;p&gt;You'd be surprised at how little most people care about most things. Model trains isn't a weird hobby, as long as you don't make it your entire life or something; tell most people offhandedly about it (only if the topic drifts there!), and they'll generally be like &quot;oh, cool&quot;, or &quot;oh, cool!&quot;. Their enthusiasm (or lack thereof) is your clue as to whether to continue on that topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't push or overshare -- that really weirds people out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And frankly, that seems like it might be the real problem here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your hobbies are something you do on your own time. They aren't generally a topic of conversation with people who don't share your interest, and the more you share with &quot;outsiders&quot;, the more put off and/or weirded out they'll generally get. Bringing your trains to work and doing an exhibit, without having been directly asked to, is not something you should even be considering. This is work, not show and tell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for finding other people who share your interest, there are more subtle ways. Every subculture inherently has some memes that insiders will pick up on and outsiders won't. I don't know anything about the model train community (other than that there definitely is one), but in your case, you could maybe wear a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.lionelstore.com/Pewter-Lionel-L-Lapel-Pin-941041&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;small pin with a well-known logo on it&lt;/a&gt;. The current Lionel logo doesn't even hint that it's about trains, but anyone who's into the hobby is likely to recognize it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4006" LastEditorUserId="4006" LastEditDate="2017-12-28T23:55:27.343" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T23:55:27.343" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8525" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2017-12-28T21:21:44.917" Score="212" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No Dad, I don't care how many more rings Tom Brady has than Big Ben please keep your handegg anecdotes to uncivilized company&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find it strange you’re expecting acceptance and respect for your hobby, yet showing scant regard for other people’s—particularly &lt;em&gt;family’s&lt;/em&gt;—pastimes and interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, what a person does in their own time as a hobby or to relax is their business (so long as it stays within the law). It’s not up to you to convince others to accept it or embrace it. If you enjoy something then you enjoy it; no one can tell you otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I’m (at time of writing) 28 but I still follow professional wrestling. It’s one of things deemed as “for kids” and people are quick to point out to me, “But it’s fake?!” But I still watch it and attend live events. I just don’t advertise it. If I find out someone else is also a fan then that’s great. But more times than not, it leads to slight teasing. It’s something I’ve come to expect, and something I just own and laugh off if people do find out and want to tease me for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9898" LastEditorUserId="9898" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T10:00:30.600" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T10:00:30.600" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2017-12-28T21:37:20.070" Score="48" Body="&lt;p&gt;Normally, this isn't the answer I would give for such situations, but this one comes from personal experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a huge fan of Pokemon in my mid 20s, I get &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; of flak from co-workers. I used to get a ton from family too, but I took an important step to fix this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Own It.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like I said, not normally my advice. But for so innocent a hobby as studying Pokemon or building model trains, this is a great way to handle things. Now, how you own it is a huge deal as to whether you're annoying or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if all I did was talk about Pokemon, people would hate me. I'd be obnoxious as hell. Instead, I only bring up Pokemon in a few select cases:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talking to another Pokemon fan about the games. Naturally, this is 100% okay. Talking to a fellow enthusiast, so long as it's not interrupting anything super important for either of you, is &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; wrong!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Someone else brings it up. I have Pokemon plushies on my desk here at work. This shows my enjoyment of the franchise without forcing others to have to do more than occasionally see them on my desk. They aren't my only decoration, they aren't in the way, they're just there. It'd be like walking around wearing a bright pink hat: No one has a real reason to complain if it's not hurting them. But it also gives people the chance to ask questions, indicate their shared interest, or even make small jokes. Own those jokes, roll with it. It both makes it okay to talk about this hobby &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; may help you make friends. (Of course, bullying is not okay, but an occasional joke is absolutely fine and can even indicate that the joker is fine with your hobby but just not into it themselves.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When a joke makes sense, and isn't intrusive. On occasion, I'll make a Pokemon joke. For example, the other day we were discussing how to explain something to our clients so that they know what we mean and what to expect. After a bit of discussion, I jokingly offered to make a demo for my boss to help. He asked how, I answered, &amp;quot;Why, I'll model it out of Pokemon of course!&amp;quot; And this got a laugh from my coworkers. It was a decent joke as we had just moved desks in the office, and my Pokemon had only just gone back up. This joke also didn't force itself in- It had a clear opening, and if my boss hadn't asked how I'd make a demo, I wouldn't have made the joke. If any of my coworkers got annoyed, I'd be careful about making that joke (or any others) again, at least for a good while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/8524/3619&quot;&gt;cHao&lt;/a&gt; pointed out, wearing a small logo or button or such is a great way to invite conversation without forcing it on people. If people make jokes, but aren't bullies or don't make you uncomfortable, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't respect your hobby; more than likely, they just don't understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HUGE disclaimer: &lt;em&gt;This will not work for everyone.&lt;/em&gt; If you can't handle jokes or laughter, which will likely be most frequent when you first announce your interest in a subject, this strategy will only make you uneasy. If you can handle the jokes for a couple weeks, you should be able to handle this well. Not only that, but you may even be able to pave the way for a more shy/reserved coworker to open up about the interest!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T21:37:20.070" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8527" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8427" CreationDate="2017-12-28T22:27:18.747" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try investigating the reasons why he pays for you every time. If his answer will be just &quot;because I can afford it&quot;, push the enquiry a bit further until his feelings about the topic show out. Probably the final answer will be something along the lines of &quot;because it makes me feel good, it's a pleasure to pay for a friend&quot;. Your reply can be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to have the pleasure of generosity as well from time to time. Let me pay this time, let's share the pleasure! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you'll reframe the problem as a matter of &lt;em&gt;feelings&lt;/em&gt; and not only of &lt;em&gt;money&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-12-28T22:27:18.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8528" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2017-12-29T00:53:48.170" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;What's to say your current coworkers don't respect your hobby?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At my last job, I would occasionally see flyers inviting us to come to a model train club and it had a coworker's contact information on it.  If you're in any clubs or have any upcoming events, perhaps you could advertise it if your work has a bulletin board and put your name as a contact point for further information.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone contacts you or comes to the event, great--you found someone with the same hobby.  If no one does, perhaps they simply don't share that hobby with you but it doesn't necessarily mean they disrespect it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6156" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T00:53:48.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8529" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8542" CreationDate="2017-12-29T01:59:54.860" Score="42" ViewCount="24848" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and Alice are back. This is somewhat related to another one of my questions but more about me this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have planned to visit my girlfriend Alice in a few months, during which I will be staying with her and her parents (they offered), and my girlfriend has asked me to not eat any meat while I'm there. Only her father eats meat regularly (1-2 times a week tops).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She really hates meat, once I sent a picture of my dinner which was beef and potatoes to which she replied &amp;quot;DISGUSTING&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her that I would want to continue my normal eating habits, but she gets angry at me for not being willing to compromise for just over a week. We discussed this at the start of the relationship, and we agreed not to make each other change our diets. But what I'm afraid of is that if I pull through this time, she'll use it as proof that I don't need meat at all and try to convert me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During my two previous visits she didn't have a problem with me eating meat (her dad cooked) and even cooking (made a dish from my country) meat for her family (her father and sister ate, Alice and her mother are vegetarian). Also we stayed in Dublin alone for a week and I cooked and ate meat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I will be staying with Alice for a bit over a week. My past visits were only 3-4 days.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She did not say that no meat will be served, merely that she does not want to eat meat. Alice and her mother will be doing most of the cooking, so I assume little to no meat will be present.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I originally reduced my meat intake when the relationship started.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We haven't yet talked about her motivations for wanting me to not eat meat.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Her parents have work and are busy, so I would find myself alone at times with Alice for lunch or breakfast where we would have to make our own meals.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question:&lt;/strong&gt; My girlfriend wants me to eat no meat/fish when I'm staying with her. How do I not offend her further but keep to my own diet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An additional question: If I do go through with this, how do I stop it from snowballing into a full-blown conversion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Update:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I messaged her and talked more about it. &lt;strong&gt;We agreed on a arrangement where I consume meat in lower quantities but I would have to buy cook and prepare it myself, she doesn't like to touch and feel dead animals, meat included&lt;/strong&gt;(edit).There is some semblance of a compromise on both parts here; does this seem like a good one? I'm afraid that she might be saying this just not to start a bigger argument and I don't want her to bottle up her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Update#2:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some talking on the phone, she has seemed to have softened her stand on this and understand more about how relationships work (I am her first bf). I have accepted an Answer and I will be having an in-depth and serious conversation with her about this when we meet (face-to-face is way better) and examine the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T06:16:29.460" Title="Girlfriend, vegetarianism and me not wanting to change" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8531" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T04:10:38.493" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are thinking about this the wrong way &amp;mdash; it is basic etiquette. You were invited to be a guest in &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; home, and she asked you &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to eat meat while doing so. If they asked you not to smoke while in their house (for example) or not to wear your shoes indoors, it's not reasonable to say you'll do whatever you please and carry on about your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can politely decline and simply not go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you were permitted to do on prior occasions or what her father does is irrelevant. She already asked you not to indulge in this activity while staying in her home &amp;mdash; and your desire to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;stop it from snowballing into a full-blown conversion&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; is probably the only reason you are still together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It shouldn't be too hard to refrain from indulging yourself for a week or two. This should be a &lt;strong&gt;catalyst to have a conversation focused around the long-term&lt;/strong&gt; - if you don't have such a conversation, I think you are setting yourselves up for a long, lingering relationship that is going to have a very difficult time moving forward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you want a literal answer to your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how do i not offend her further but keep to my own diet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eat out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-30T21:20:13.057" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T21:20:13.057" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8532" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T04:29:12.480" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hate to break the news, but this is often a part of dating vegetarians... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like anyone with strong moral/ethical convictions they're very often inclined to want their partners to share their convictions or at the very least be considerate of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the sounds of things, your partner very likely wants you to adopt a vegetarian diet. If you're not willing to do that, you should probably be honest and get that out in the open. If this is going to be a deal breaker for her, it's better that it happens sooner than later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mean to sound harsh or scolding, I'm a carnivore as well, but I've dated more than a few vegetarians/vegans and I know how important their feelings are about the issue. Those that do it for health reasons may be a little more flexible, but those that see it as murder for a meal likely won't be. This doesn't seem like a huge deal from the meat eater's perspective, to us it's just food. This is a huge deal for vegans and vegetarians, to them it's an indicator of your morality and often ties into a wide range of environmental sustainability, animal cruelty, and fundamental value of life issues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're going to try to ride it out (and I'm pretty sure you are because I did it too once upon a time) you're better off just making the sacrifice and going vegetarian for the trip. If you don't, be prepared for a seriously unhappy partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T04:29:12.480" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-29T04:44:56.363" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no replacement for &lt;strong&gt;standing your ground&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You perceive your parents as overwhelming forces because you couldn't do this successfully, so far. It can be difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have someone of support you can have at your side - girlfriend or really good friend - that would help a lot. Hopefully, your parents will behave themselves more civilized in the presence of an outsider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your anxiety might make it impossible to just stand there and take it and not budge. In such case, leave the room as soon as the shouting starts. Calmly announce they can find you outside when they calm down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might not work the first or even the second time. Stopping bullies (and that is what your parents become in this case) is tricky and there is no golden bullet. But unless they can apply actual force on you (physical or other, such as financial if they can threaten to cut you off) it really is &lt;strong&gt;your decision&lt;/strong&gt; to give in to the pressure or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a point in my life where I refused to partake in the christmas church tradition. Thankfully, my parents are not into the yelling part. They tried to push me and saw I was serious. Then a compromise was reached in that I would prepare the house for christmas eve (decoration, putting out plates for dinner, etc.) while they went to church. Such a thing might or might not work with your parents, but it is worth a thought if there is something you can &quot;offer&quot; in exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T04:44:56.363" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8534" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-29T06:39:49.540" Score="2" ViewCount="274" Body="&lt;p&gt;I postponed buying my brother and his girlfriend a (specific) Christmas gift because I wanted to check if they have already bought it.  Then I forgot about it.  When I remembered, the stores selling it had already closed for Christmas.  At our gift exchange, they did not have a gift for us, but my mother included their names on a gift tag for a present she gave us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No gift giving rules were established prior to Christmas.  The lack of gifts was not discussed afterwards.  The lack of gift exchange between us breaks with tradition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would still like to get them this specific gift that they previously expressed interest in.  &lt;strong&gt;How long should I wait before giving this gift to avoid linking it with Christmas presents or lack thereof?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think exchanging gifts at Christmas is silly, and am happy to give gifts whenever I find something I think someone would appreciate it (why wait for Christmas?) and feel generous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10687" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T07:04:30.533" Title="How soon after Christmas should I give a gift?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2017-12-29T13:09:19.617" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8535" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T06:51:31.117" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;As always, there are at least two relevant positions. I am a vegetarian myself for quite some time, my wife is not. So I think I have seen most of these discussions close and upfront. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To your question:&lt;/strong&gt; You can not control whether somebody will be &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; offended. This is the task of the offended. Even with the best of intentions you still can offend someone. But the intentions are the core of this answer. Because you need to get your intentions straight and communicate them well. Also, this is something within your reach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what are your intentions? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Intention: You don't want to be changed/converted?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To take all your fears away: &lt;strong&gt;No one can convert you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you afraid she might convince you? I guess they won't force feed you with tofu.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a decision you have to make for yourself. And anyone has to make for themselves. Without an intrinsic motivation you cannot change anything for an extended period of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But keep in mind that your decision reflects on your character and how much you value the convictions of your partner. When my wife and/or me are cooking at home it is 99.9% of the time vegetarian. When we eat outside like in a restaurant, or at a party, fair, shopping tour everybody orders what they like the most. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Intention: Trying to avoid offensive behavior/ further discussions&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't eat meat while staying with her. Progressing with the same approach that you are asked to restrict for a short period of time will most certainly be perceived as offensive. I would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Intention: I need my meat... and I don't want to discuss that!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fair, but might be seen as quite stubborn, childish and selfish.&#xA;Also a lack of some empathy and decency to at least some degree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to understand why exactly this is important to your partner. Or why it is more important then before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to understand why this bothers you, and what your intentions are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respect the rules of the inviting party or don't visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really like your example of the guest cooking for the host, as sign of gratitude or gift or any kind of appreciation what so ever...&#xA;Maybe try cooking a vegetarian dish this time. You might want to offer something nice to the whole family, maybe especially to your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9791" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2017-12-29T07:51:30.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T07:51:30.197" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8536" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-29T06:57:48.580" Score="8" ViewCount="5535" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to preface this question by noting that it contains some very specific details that I think are necessary to make the question clear and not overly broad (and thus more easily answerable). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a bit of an overthinker, and I apparently ask too many questions while having sex with my girlfriend, but to my mind, communication and consent are really important.  For instance if we're making out and mutually touching each other, she gets mad when I ask her if she can perform orally on me.  She literally says &quot;don't ask it!&quot; and then proceeds to do it anyway.  And similarly when I'm going down on her, I like to check whether things are going ok and that she's enjoying it, so I ask her &quot;how does that feel?&quot;, to which she again replies &quot;don't ask!&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'm clearly having issues with communicating during coitus.  My girlfriend thinks it's too much communication while I think that making sure she's ok during the act (by asking her explicitly whether she is or not) is really important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell her that it's just my way of making sure she feels safe during intimacy?  She gets so mad that I ask questions while engaging in sexual acts with her, but at the same time consent is always in the back of my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10688" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-01-08T17:08:46.240" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T20:20:12.390" Title="Communicating during sex when my partner doesn't like direct questions?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8534" CreationDate="2017-12-29T07:04:30.533" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may be just my personal feelings about Christmas and other gift giving occasions coming through, but gifts given &quot;just because&quot; always feel more meaningful to give and to receive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The notion that the gift need be sufficiently separated from Christmas seems a bit silly. It reinforces the idea that gift giving is transactional, and transactional gift giving isn't really gift giving, now is it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that there's an attempt to save face here and appear as though you didn't forget, but that probably shouldn't be the point either. If you're going to give a gift, make it a real gift. No saving face, no keeping up appearances or traditions. Just a:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know this would make you happy, so here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's just my opinion, and I'm very fond of unpopular opinions, but a gift shouldn't be tied to a sense of obligation. It should be something you do selflessly because you honestly want to make someone happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If it's a late Christmas present, let it be that and be honest about it.&lt;/strong&gt; The humble honesty of a late, but meaningful, gift has merit too. At least they know that you care, and you didn't need to play games about the appropriate length of time to wait after Christmas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T07:04:30.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8538" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8536" CreationDate="2017-12-29T07:35:16.720" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Communication is about 15% words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This applies during sex too.  If you cannot tell the difference between a pleasurable and unpleasurable response, ask her to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have her do something pleasurable, then switch to the opposite.  What is your body language?  How tense are you?  What cues are your girlfriend picking up on that tells her you don't like it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learn this aspect of wordless communication.  It'll help in all areas of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="451" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T07:35:16.720" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8539" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8536" CreationDate="2017-12-29T07:42:34.957" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consent conversations are usually better had before sex...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't get me wrong, it's always good to be aware of how your partner is feeling during sex, and checking in is a good thing to do, particularly if you're unsure, but stopping to ask for specific permissions and feedback in the middle of things can kill the mood for some people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be a bit of a stretch for the more traditional/vanilla crowd, but talking to your partner about what you're comfortable with and what they're comfortable with, before things get moving, is generally a good idea. With practice and confidence it becomes less clinical and more like pillow talk, and/or foreplay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a lot to be said for learning to read your partner's reactions too. This varies considerably from person to person, so I won't dwell on it, but learning your partner's facial expressions and body language is important here. Basically, do they look like they're having a good time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need to check in during things, try to make it sound natural in the moment. Open communication during sex is a good thing, once you get the hang of it. Rather than halting completely and having a side bar to sort things out, you can ask how they like &quot;it&quot; in a fun way. Again talking openly with your partner about what a &quot;fun way&quot; sounds like to you all is worthwhile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion people have a lot of hang-ups when it comes to talking about sex. Some people have such a hard time talking openly about it that they have a hard time talking about it even when they really need to and/or should be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T07:42:34.957" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T10:56:49.627" Score="94" Body="&lt;p&gt;I post from the perspective of being a vegetarian myself and my boyfriend eating meat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's very important to talk more to her. It's important that you respect each others diets and this should come for both sides. For my boyfriend and I this means we cook mostly vegetarian with sometimes some meat on the side. Sometimes, especially when there also friends coming, I will cook a meal that's mostly based on meat and make something different for myself. My boyfriend never makes remarks that he misses the meat and I never make remarks when he chooses to eat meat. We both cook vegetarian and meat dishes. We always keep the taste and the quantity of what the other person eats in mind. No easier way to get someone to hate your diet preference then giving them too little food or food that they really don't like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you also need to go for a compromise. For example, I would propose to cook a vegetarian meal this time and eat meat outside the house or if you eat at her parents place and meat is made anyway. Maybe find a nice vegetarian restaurant for lunch. Just try a lot of different things and try to find vegetarian meals that you both like. Don't make her feel like you are not willing to eat vegetarian at all, but make her feel like you enjoy vegetarian dishes and meat dishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is ever not understanding about you eating meat, tell her that you will make your own decision about your eating habits. I don't know how it is for you, but I would personally also say that you don't want to have discussion over food when you're buying or eating food. From personal experience I find that these discussion mostly go nowhere and make me more upset then when the same was discussed drinking a cup of coffee. Try to have a good conversation about this and tell her how you see this moving in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she can't respect your eating habits at all and only expect you to respect hers, then it's a serious red flag. Not only if you don't want to turn vegetarian, but also because she will not respect other choices you make. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10700" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2017-12-29T20:27:08.000" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T20:27:08.000" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8543" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T11:11:40.373" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the most important part here is that her behaviour has markedly changed from previous meetings with her and the best solution going forward might be for you to first enquire what has led to her change of mind. One possible reason might be that she never really approved of you consuming meat in her vicinity but she did not mention it at first, for example out of fear of scaring you away. So she went beyond her own limits to accomodate you which is, in my mind, a sign that she really cares about you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going from my own and I believe somewhat comparable experience as a non-drinker I don't particularly enjoy the taste when kissing my girlfriend after she has consumed alcohol. But for the sake of our relationship this is a compromise I am willing to make. The alternative for me would be not kissing her when she has drunken alcohol, but this would feel like punishing her for something that is pretty much my own choice, so I am not going to do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now that she seems to be stricter on that topic it could mean several things. Maybe her beliefs that lead her to becoming vegetarian have evolved in a way where she feels worse about people eating meat. Where previously it was possible for her to tolerate it, now she might feel offensively repulsed by it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And while she might not be consciously trying to convert you, if her problem with other people eating meat is becoming bigger, that might be a red flag for a possible future together. So when you are talking to her about her change in behaviour, you should pay extra attention to the language she is using. If she is saying things like that she finds the smell repulsive, or does not like the way you taste after eating meat, etc. these are all signs that, should you desire so, once you move in together her vegetarinarism might pose a regular problem and be a common flashpoint in your household. In that regard you might be forced to make a choice: change your diet as much as possible to accomodate her or risk a tumultous relationship that might or might not end well because of your differences in diet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to sum it up, I think you should ask her why she is stricter now than before. And I think you should try to lead the conversation towards your future together and &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4636" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T11:11:40.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8501" CreationDate="2017-12-29T11:35:02.320" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the comments was raised the possibility that maybe you've developed a dependence, an addiction, of SE, because the overuse of it got to the point to affect your relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could be and you could be not addicted to it. In any case, I suggest you to make a test. Stay out of it entirely for, say, a month. Don't check it, don't answer to it. Take a time off completely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love to play video games in my spare time, but sometimes I can't. It's something I enjoy very much, but is fine if I stay months without it. It is fine, because I can focus in many other things I also enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that even if you are not overusing SE, a time off will do good to your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4225" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T11:35:02.320" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T13:18:10.457" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I think you should first have a talk about how you discuss about this topic.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you send a picture of what your eating, assumably because you like it and wanted to share the experience of having a nice meal, it is not acceptable behaviour to get a &lt;em&gt;&quot;DISCUSTING&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Respect goes two ways, if she wants you to respect the vegetarian ways, she needs to respect yours as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Imagine the following:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You send that picture of your meal and she replies with a friendly &lt;em&gt;&quot;That looks like a nice meal for you, enjoy!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, respecting you. You know/respect her bounderies and she knows/respects yours.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;And now you get the question &lt;em&gt;&quot;Hey, while we're at my parent, could you please skip the meat requests? We're quite vegetarian, so...&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Whole different vibe now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO the 'eating less meat' &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; worth a discussion, but it has to be just that: a &lt;em&gt;discussion&lt;/em&gt;, not one getting angry for having different preferences. Find the middle ground, I can promise you there is one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="5504" LastEditDate="2017-12-29T15:14:03.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T15:14:03.197" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8547" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T13:57:22.367" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your other questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice began to develop a very bad body image and resorted to eating&#xA;  almost nothing or vomiting her meals. [&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/7084/how-can-i-help-my-partner-with-her-body-image-without-offending-her&quot;&gt;source&lt;/a&gt;]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming this is true, this could be a very serious health issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She has been to a clinic for help and has seen doctors, and has gotten&#xA;  better as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it's great that she sought help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now, it would seem her new behavior is just as unhealthy and dangerous as before, except now she's refusing to seek professional help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's dig down into what happened:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She's trying the low-carb high-fat ketogenic diet and since Alice is a&#xA;  vegetarian, her diet as it is, sounds unhealthy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're correct. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know about the keto diet, the keto diet is fine, and it works really well, but doing a ketogenic Atkins-like carnivore diet as a strict vegetarian makes as much sense to me as eating food and vomiting all of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is so restrictive, it makes zero sense at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...she always complains about being tired and sleepy. As a result, she often takes multiple naps throughout the day even when she has had a solid 8-9 hours of sleep. &lt;strong&gt;She told me she doesn't need a doctor when I suggested seeing one.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not enough fuel means not enough energy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yes, I believe you were right to mention that she should see a Doctor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The Question: Girlfriend wants me to eat no meat/fish when I'm staying&#xA;  with her, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may be trying to control your diet as a pre-emptive defensive move because you've shown concern over her eating habits and have been wanting to intervene. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, sending her that picture of a nice plate of beef and potatoes may have been perceived as you taunting her since her diet dictates that she shouldn't be eating beef, nor potatoes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, I also have vegetarian friends and I certainly do not go out of my way to send them pictures of things I know they wouldn't enjoy/can't eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how do I not offend her further but keep to my own diet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're young. She's young. This is also a long distance relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pick your battles. Eat veggies when you visit, load up on eggs in the morning, and go out even if she's sleeping most of the day, but don't be afraid to bring up the issue of her possibly needing medical professional help with her family and with her before you leave (if you feel her pattern of unhealthy behaviors has been confirmed and has continued during your stay). Also, you may want to read this &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/family-role&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;article&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worst that could happen is that she gets upset with you and breaks up with you. That would be a very unfortunate outcome, but sometimes that can't be helped. Developing boundaries for yourself is a normal part of growing up. Also, long-distance relationships can be extremely difficult, especially when you're young. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just make sure to bring enough money to pay for your own lodging and travel expenses in case she breaks up with you and asks you to leave. If you break up early in your stay, don't be afraid to continue with your vacation either. Just stay at a youth hostel. Youth hostels are a great way to make friends. Just please, resist the urge to get into a long distance relationship with the first girl you find (that likes you back). A vacation fling is fine. What I mean to say is not to accept another long-term commitment with a girl if neither of you can commit to staying geographically close to each other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2018-01-01T23:10:17.127" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T23:10:17.127" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8522" CreationDate="2017-12-29T14:40:41.603" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't owe Suzanne an explanation or an apology.  The ball is in Suzanne's court.  You sent a gift, she should send a thank you note. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not email to ask if she enjoyed the gifts since you know that she received them.  If you do decide to email, you don't need to bring up the delay in opening the package or that you didn't provide gifts for everyone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10709" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T14:40:41.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2017-12-29T15:23:06.527" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your coworkers do not need to know your hobbies. They are yours, and if you think it'll come off in a negative light, then just keep it to yourself. Personally, I wouldn't bring it up, but if a coworker asked what I did over the weekend I might say &quot;Oh, well, I really like to work on models. Model cars, airplanes, trains. It's fun because I like the detail that goes into finished product. Right now I'm working on several trains.&quot; Being obsessed over trains in particular might seem peculiar, but expressing models as a general hobby would likely go over well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, do not setup a demonstration in the conference room. I don't see how you don't see this goes directly against your goals of not weirding out your coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note: Referring to other people's interest in Football as &quot;Hand Egg&quot; is just drenched in the &quot;M'lady&quot; cringe worthy attitudes. Drop all of that, and show at least a small bit of interest, ask a few questions about your families interest just because it's polite and easy to do. I would suggest Dale Carnegie's &quot;How to win friends and influence people&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9216" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T15:23:06.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8522" CreationDate="2017-12-29T15:48:34.447" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, I'd just let it drop in this case. I don't see any good way to ask about it here without causing awkwardness. I mean, if there were high stakes, I'd probably suggest something that would only be a little bit awkward, but here, it seems different. Suzanne should absolutely make sure to thank you, obviously, and I hope she thinks to particularly send thanks for the work and care that went into the gift from your mom. That's just basic thoughtfulness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think, if I were in her position, I would probably also not open the package in front of everybody, just thinking about how my family does presents and trying to imagine it. If &quot;everybody&quot; just includes adults, it could go either way. The only thing I'd say for sure is that, if there are kids involved, you should make sure to send them something. It can be one thing for all of them or very small gifts, but it'll just keep Christmas running smoothly for the recipients. Ultimately, I'd say it sounds like the whole situation was just a minor mismatch in expectations between you two. I'm sure they appreciated the gifts or, if they haven't opened the package yet, they've got some (possibly convoluted) reason why. In a week or two, you could possibly add a little line to an email but it depends so much on your relationship and how you ask. But I think this is just one of those things that happens sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9909" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T15:48:34.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T16:07:06.147" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are staying with your girlfriend's parents then they are providing the meals correct? So on the surface it seems quite simple you will be eating what they serve right? You did mention that her Dad sometimes eats meat. Does this mean that her dad may have meat during the meals that you are being served? If this is the case and during such a meal her Dad offers you some meat then I see absolutely no reason why you should pretend that you wouldn't like some. On the other hand I would not just blatantly ask for meat without it being offered to you as you are a guest. If you are offered meat and partake and this somehow offends and upsets your girlfriend then I believe that the real question is more on the lines of &quot;why are you with a person who wants to change you in such a basic way?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also somewhere up above you mentioned a concern that if you abstained from eating meat that your girlfriend may use this against you saying something along the lines of &quot;See you don't need meat&quot;. Again my question would be if this is how she is then why are you with her? It really doesn't matter if you need or don't need meat. You like meat, that is what matters. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point you will need to face the reality that being with a vegetarian, when you are not one, is very similar to being with someone of a different religion than yours. These relationships are not impossible but they do require a lot of work, patience and understanding. The key thing to remember is that there should be work, patience and understanding from both of the people involved and not just from yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My honest advice is to re-evaluate your relationship. What is it about her that makes you want to be with her. What is it about you that makes her want to be with you? What if you are not willing to change and she is not willing to stop trying to change you? Or vice-a-versa? How do you see that working out?  To be blunt... if the answers to the above questions are something like &quot;the sex is great&quot; then this relationship will not stand the test of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10715" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T16:07:06.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8555" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T16:15:56.850" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Coming from a mixed household myself, I can hopefully provide a little insight into why she thinks that way and how to handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her reactions to eating meat sound like they're the result of being opposed to the meat industry itself. Truth be told, many people become disgusted by meat after they learn how it is produced and what controversies surround it. In my family's case that was the motivator. I'm personally not vegetarian but I consented to a mostly vegetarian diet simply out of respect for their views. Cross-contamination of utensils was also a concern, so I avoided cooking meat as well. There are plenty of benefits to even a pseudo-vegetarian diet, so I took the opportunity to explore that side of cuisine and found a lot of great food as a result (not to mention it improved my health a bit).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This did not require totally giving up meat, as I still ate it sometimes at work or when out with friends, and that didn't cause any conflict at home. The key is to respect each others' boundaries, don't argue with her about it. It's okay to disagree, but you can respect her wishes for this trip without sacrificing any of your own integrity. Being flexible in this way and avoiding confrontation about it can prevent a lot of unnecessary argument, and it could even be that once you get there she won't press the issue if her father decides to cook meat or everyone goes to a restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The bottom line: Being compliant doesn't mean you're giving up ground. It actually gives you better standing in the future to say &quot;No, I won't convert, I respected your views so please respect mine.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One final side-note: Vegetarians often find the look and smell of meat to be gross, so sending her pictures of your steak isn't going to garner any sort of good response ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T16:15:56.850" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8536" CreationDate="2017-12-29T16:53:19.127" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's great that you are concerned with her consent to sexual activities. Too few care about that sort of thing. But I don't think you have a communication problem. Instead, you are ignoring the information your girlfriend is communicating to you. As I see it, you have two related problems:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your approach to sex involves things that your girlfriend &lt;strong&gt;does not like&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of what it does for you, these frequent checks are clearly making the experience worse for her. That's not necessarily a critical problem (unless people are exactly in sync, there will be some give and take at least some of the time). But I want to frame it a bit differently, just for you to consider: your girlfriend &lt;strong&gt;does not want&lt;/strong&gt; these questions. I can't really guess at her reasons. Maybe you should talk to her about why she dislikes the questions so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you asked her to perform some sexual act for you, and she said no, I assume that you would not then force her to do it anyways. Well, she doesn't want these questions, and yet you impose them on her, possibly as often as every time. I wouldn't classify those questions as anything like sexual coercion, but it's a bit off that you are 100% committed to making sure she is an eager participant in these activities &lt;em&gt;except for specific cases that are important to you&lt;/em&gt;, in which case you are disregarding her feelings completely so that you can have things the way you would like them to be. Even though your intentions are good, this is an odd dynamic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are fixated on a specific manner of determining consent in a situation where other methods may be reasonable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't suggest this for people in something other than an existing relationship which has already featured conversations about consent and activities of interest to everyone. But if she is your steady girlfriend you might talk about things and conclude that, at least for activities you've already done, you can assume that she's open to doing it again. And she can commit to telling you, in the moment, if she doesn't want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be an awkward adjustment for you, and I would &lt;strong&gt;NEVER&lt;/strong&gt; advocate assuming consent to be given. But again, she specifically &lt;strong&gt;does not want these questions from you.&lt;/strong&gt; Instead, if you explicitly discuss it, you can avoid the thing she doesn't like (the question coming with every activity) while also feeling confident that she is consenting to each activity (with her commitment to refuse things she doesn't want to do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-01-08T14:06:37.317" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T14:06:37.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8557" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8559" CreationDate="2017-12-29T17:44:30.900" Score="8" ViewCount="3544" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I am an international student at a US university and I have acquaintance with a German girl (of the same age but a different program) through her roommates who are my classmates. We always interact whenever we meet at their or our home for occasional dinner/drinks. We, in a group, have gone to Miami for 3 days and I think we had a good 1-hour conversation along the beach, while we were just 2 of us. I am attracted to her personality: strong mind who takes her own decisions and is inclined towards adventure-travel. So in my mind, I had noted that cool I think I like her as a person. I mostly strike the conversation with her on European ongoing politics and geography because I never had 1st experience of going there. She is mature and I am very impressed. She is cute as well. In Miami, all guys with us went for a lap dance in a strip club, but I did not feel like (could not excite me enough), so I was only chugging beer and she (my interest) got curious and asked me why am I not going? To which I replied: I am not sure if I am going to enjoy that because I am not getting excited. I possibly would be coming when I am having a heartbreak or similar things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, at someone's birthday party she brought her another German friend (gorgeous than her), who told me in front of her that I am handsome (I was like wow: I come from a nationality (non-muslim) where ladies seldom compliment gents, and its mostly guys who have to take initiatives and take responsibility for most of the things and decisions). I was having kitchen conversations with her friend and her friend moved very close (she was tipsy probably and I was not drinking that day so I stepped back) and found her (my interest) passing behind and looking at me as if evaluating what I am doing with her friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure if she is even giving me hints, but I really would like to ask her out, even more after when her friend found me handsome meant she might be too. What I am afraid is that she may be taking me as a stereotype Indian guy. I have my hobbies (long distance running pretty positive which my Indian friends told me that I am hurting my knees that really turned me off). I dont really appreciate the demeanour of her Indian roommates mostly because when it comes to exams and assignments, they are into mass-plagiarism which is not ethically correct and I am thinking she (my interest) may be taking me as one of them as well (she is enrolled in a different program so I am assuming she doesn't know who's who much inside: we only meet her for drinks or dinners or festivals like Christmas).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What killed me more is that while I will be around in the US for at least a couple of more years, she is going back after 6 months to Germany. She would find asking her out to be practically infeasible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am pretty much clueless. She is a good person and I also don't want to taint good camaraderie between us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would really like to know should I approach this girl or not? and if Yes, what should be my approach? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for the help guys. Well, I asked her out 2 days ago on new year's eve for going out to a nearby museum. She said &quot;yes&quot; in the night but next day after 16 hours, I got a text from here saying: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;I realized that it's probably not a great idea for us to go...I dont want to lead you on. You are a great guy but I am just not interested in anything at the moment. Sorry for saying yes yesterday and now saying no :(&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10723" LastEditorDisplayName="user10723" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T17:33:09.843" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T17:33:09.843" Title="How to ask out a German girl in the college?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-29T23:45:32.770" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8558" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T17:50:49.420" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that, while your &quot;fear&quot; is understandable, it comes from a harsh stereotype - vegans/vegetarians will &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; try to force their habits on others, and this might be wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you already discussed this and both reached an agreement, so you have that for you in favor if she ever attemps to &quot;fully convert you&quot; afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best you can do here is to accept not to eat meat while in her parents' house, making clear that it is just for this time. If you want to reinforce that, take a day or two and go eat outside (just try to not sound rude).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just need to pay attention to what happens during and right after that time: if someone else eats meat and you're the only one &quot;forbidden&quot;, or if after that time she talks about how well you did, then yeah, you're possibly right and she wants to change you. This would be a &lt;strong&gt;serious&lt;/strong&gt; red flag and should make you reconsider your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if everyone else eats just vegan food, and after that you and your girlfriend go back to your usual habits, then you were wrong all along about your fear, and you owe your girlfriend an apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every relationship relies heavily on trust. The only things that should damage that trust are things that already happened, and never things you're afraid will happen without any real evidence or proof.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10721" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T17:50:49.420" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8557" CreationDate="2017-12-29T18:15:28.700" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having German relatives and studied there, I can offer one tip: German conversations are as a whole pretty direct.  They don't beat around the bush much but rather would get to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So do that.  It's not like you're professing undying love to her (at least I hope not; that's a whole different problem).  Come out and say it.  &quot;I'd like to spend some time with you; let's go do ... together.&quot;  If she says yes, then you enjoy her company.  If she says no, then you have your answer and don't have to wonder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's most likely used to men being more aggressive there than they are here, so it won't come as a surprise if someone would ask her out.  And she won't have a problem saying &quot;yes&quot; or &quot;no&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T18:15:28.700" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8561" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2017-12-29T19:53:42.457" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Nobody needs to know about your hobbies, unless they ask you about a hobby. Then I would say, &quot;I spend crazy hours making model trains and layouts. Do you have a hobby?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And leave it at that, turning the question back to them. If they want to know more they will ask for it, otherwise, they will tell you about their hobby. If &lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; are into model trains you've got them hooked, if they &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; somebody into model  trains, they'd probably tell you about them, and might matchmake a meeting for you, to find a fellow enthusiast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my sisters is an artist, she can draw photo-realistic images of people, faces, hands, feet, clothed or not, in movement or not. She doesn't sell anything, but she draws three or four hours every day. If you ask her what her hobby is, she'll say &quot;I like to draw people and animals.&quot; That's it. Her coworkers don't know she is an artist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be obsessed with yourself, nobody has to &quot;respect&quot; your hobby. What they should respect is that you play in your spare time the same way they play in theirs. &lt;strong&gt;And that is what you should respect too,&lt;/strong&gt; instead of expressing disdain for those that use their spare time to watch sports. You have wasted just as many hours of your life on you fun as they have of theirs on their fun. Perhaps you've wasted more! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody has to even know about your hobby. Other than the one liner above, nothing more need be said. Once you have advertised your interest, it either hooks their interest or doesn't. If it doesn't, let it fade from their awareness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T19:53:42.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8563" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8448" CreationDate="2017-12-29T20:21:23.017" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;On the day you will be expected to go, leave the house 4 or 5 hours in advance—or as early in the morning as needed to avoid anyone seeing you, or as early as needed to avoid arguments. Leave a note: &quot;Went out. Will be back around [time]. Have a good time at your service. I won't be there.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not discuss it in advance. Be vague. Say that you are still deciding and may go. Or you might not. But you care about their feelings and their sensibilities and you are seriously weighing, as an adult, all the aspects. Or say that you plan to try to go but reserve the right to change your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: Don't go. And avoid all argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If afterward they are angry, don't argue. Simply make it clear that you love them, but you are an adult and you make your own choices as to how you spend your time. You can try asking them what the point of forcing you to go or being intense and angry is—do they think that yelling at you is somehow promoting love or anything of positive value?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if it gets heated or more than you are willing to accept, then leave their presence again. &quot;This is not something that I am comfortable wasting my emotional energy over. If you insist on continuing to argue about it, I'll need to take a break in order to protect myself.&quot; Then just get up and leave. Don't show anger. &quot;I think I'm going to get some coffee&quot; or &quot;I've been meaning to go for a walk, now seems like a great time to give you time to calm down, I'll be back in a couple of hours—see you later.&quot; Showing people your back is so very powerful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T20:21:23.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8473" CreationDate="2017-12-29T20:43:55.367" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Write her a letter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not talk about her, or her affect on you.  Appreciate her intentions, but make clear that being Santa distressed you (not her efforts to make you Santa, but the actual event of being Santa), and you do not wish to (or will not) do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question is eloquently written, use that eloquence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to control the outcome, she is an adult, and according to you, a reasonable and kind one (or reasonably kind at least) 99% of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will most likely reach the right conclusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing this in writing provides;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a) the distance to avoid an emotional response that may escalate if communication and reaction are in real time; and b) if she reacts poorly, evidence of your effort to be the good guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10739" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T20:43:55.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T20:46:38.757" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what I'm afraid of is that if I pull through this time&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your expressions make this sound like a necessity, like a drug addict sees the drug they're hooked on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her expressions are as if is a simple choice, like simply choosing not to wear the color red while staying with her parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, one of you is going to have to give if the two of you want to resolve this. What you're describing is a typical conflict in a relationship: one person wants the other person to be a particular way, the other person doesn't want to be that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Jake wants Mary to stop smoking, Mary doesn't want to stop.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sara wants Pat to stop going to the clubs on Saturday, Pat doesn't want to stop.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it's not &lt;em&gt;necessary&lt;/em&gt; to resolve every point of conflict in a relationship, it can often be helpful in the long run.  As for how you do that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what I'm afraid of is that if I pull through this time, she'll use it as proof that I don't need meat at all and try to convert me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, additional question is if I do go through with this, how do I stop it from snowballing into a full-blown conversion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself, &amp;quot;Why is it so important to me that I maintain my status as a meat eater?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you have that answer, communicate that answer to your girlfriend, and try to get an answer from her, &amp;quot;Why is it so important to you that I cease eating meat all together?  I don't feel like it's harming you in the same way I would if I had other bad habits, like drug or gambling addiction.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, for the stay at her parents, ask yourself before you eat stuff, &amp;quot;How will this make my girlfriend react if I take this action?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then ask yourself, &amp;quot;Is this issue so important to me that I'm willing to cause that type of reaction in this person I care about?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, pick your battles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10368" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T20:46:38.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-29T20:53:41.923" Score="-4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Make the issue about harm&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask the following questions of yourself and your partner, and be as specific as possible with each answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why is it harming you to convert to being a vegetarian?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why is it harming you to abstain from meat/fish for a week?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why is it harming her for your to eat meat?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you have exactly what is causing harm, then ask the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How much harming of your partner, and of what type, are you willing to inflict?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How much harming of yourself are you willing to endure to avoid harming your partner?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because a lot of the time in relationships we don't do things that really matter to us, but repeat things that other people have said and pretend to care about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you truly feel harmed by the idea of converting to vegetarianism, it could be the case that your partner doesn't realize how important this is to you.  It could be the case that she will stop trying to convert you so stoutly if you explicitly express how strongly you feel about the issue.  Maybe she doesn't realize how threatened you might feel by changing your eating habits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, saying it out loud may make you realize that, in fact, you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; feel as strongly as you thought, and your relationship is more important than staying non-vegetarianism.  Maybe you're just repeating something someone else said about eating meat, and when you take the time to express your fears and thoughts with words, you force yourself to think about it more clearly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you make the issue about harm, then you clearly demonstrate to yourself and your partner exactly what is at stake.  It could be a vague impression you're holding on to, or it could be your very sense of self.  Either way, if you don't zero in on &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; this issue is so important to you and your partner, then this conflict will never truly be resolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you make it about harm, then it's impossible to avoid the topic.  If you say things like, &quot;This is important to me, don't you care about what I want?&quot; Then the immediate, and thoughtless, response is, &quot;Of course I care about you and your wants.&quot;  But if you make it about harm, then you say, &quot;This is how much changing my eating habits hurts me.  Is there some way I can avoid this pain, or can you help me ease into it more?&quot;  There's no immediate response when you explicitly express the harm involved, and instead it starts a true discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10368" LastEditorUserId="10368" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T16:45:33.580" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T16:45:33.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2017-12-29T21:24:20.360" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why does it matter?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although you have posed a legitimate question it also begs the question to be asked of, &quot;why does it even matter?&quot;  Which, personally, I find to be a much more compelling question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all have a need to be validated and liked.  It's part of our social fabric and perhaps, part of our DNA.  We are a social animal and to be liked increases our chances of mating and continuing our genetic material.  Continuity is a key component and driver for every animal species on the planet.  We eat so we can grow so that we can mate.  It's as a simple as that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Underlying that matrix of drivers is a desire to be liked.  If others approve us then a possible mate will see our 'approval rating' with our social group and possibly consider engaging in mating in order to pass on their genetic material, together, you both move onto the sunset doing whatever your specific species does with offspring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So ultimately, why does it matter?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Family Acceptance&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, we want our families to accept us.  It gives us the validation we require in order to show confidence.  Confidence is an import aspect of roaming the planet.  It allows to attempt to do things we may not have otherwise.  Plus, these our individuals that are frequently part of our daily routing and their acceptance drives our own self esteem which again is a key component of confidence.  It only makes sense that you would strive for the acceptance.  You show many of the signs of low self esteem.  You promote your activity as an active agent of the activity.  This, in many studies, is off putting.  Especially if the individual being advertised the activity is completely uninterested.  Your lack of interest in others activity, you mention sports, shows a privileged position of entitlement.  Your not interested in your families activity and you actively demote the credibility of what they enjoy yet you expect acknowledgement.  Expecting something is a clear sing of being entitled.  This is a dangerous place to be in the mating game and the behavior can spill into a lack of attractiveness that may inhibit your ability to consummate intercourse and complicate your active desire and need to mate and continue your genetic material into the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Professional Acceptance&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's curious that you would want to contaminate your professional landscape with a personal love and hobby.  It would seem that simply talking about how you love trains for a short period of time at lunch with new individuals would be enough for you to advertise that you are interested in the topic and allow people to gravitate to you at will rather than an active and energetic advertisement of your passion in a break room.  You may be setting yourself up for disappointment if you are unable to attract others with your passion.  I would imagine the demographic of train'o'philes is rather small per capita and you may not have a large enough statistical population base to find someone of similar beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could be dangerous for your self esteem and confidence at work if others do not engage in your level of passion.  You may end up feeling isolated and possibly humiliated if an aggressive alpha were to tease you in front of someone you like.  This could cause irreparable confidence issues for you at work which is a place where confidence would typically be a key ingredient for success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A Different Approach&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest finding a club where there are people as passionate as you related to your subject matter.  You will find a group if you search.  This will allow you from attempting to 'turn' people in your life into passionate train buffs and allow you to completely disengage from the emotion hurdle of gaining acceptance in that fashion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then focus on the positive aspects of what you love and enjoy with people who also love and enjoy your passion.  You will not have to deal with the fear and anxiety of gaining others acceptance of the hobby as legitimate because you will be surrounded by people who legitimize the hobby by simply showing up to share their hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helpful to you and I hope you understand the message I am attempting to convey in my feeble words.  You are worth more than chasing acceptance.  Go to where you will find it and you will thrive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10720" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T21:24:20.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2017-12-29T21:31:24.390" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;No one else &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt;  to be aware of your personal hobbies. If your workplace is unrelated to trains (e.g. you don't work in a shipping yard) it's unlikely that anyone will have strong opinions either way on your hobby. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it should come up in conversation (i.e. coworkers are talking about what they do outside of work and you're asked) just say &quot;I assemble model trains&quot;. If people ask about it, share. If the topic is changed that's a polite way for people to say they're not interested. It doesn't mean they think less of you, they are just unable to relate to this particular hobby. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally consider that watching and following sports may be your father's hobby and if you don't want to listen to him or others talk about sports, you shouldn't expect them to want to listen about your model trains. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8630" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T21:31:24.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8569" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4069" CreationDate="2017-12-29T21:31:37.110" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sigh... I know both positions... Certain people I hold very dear even called me the &lt;strong&gt;front-passenger from hell&lt;/strong&gt; some time ago. I was simply afraid and panicking on the inside. I learned to handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are effective ways to deal with a front passenger, who distracts and annoys you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me suggest a twofold approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;task them to coach you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory, you have much more experience in driving, please watch my driving and give me feedback so I can learn from you.&#xA;Please no false courtesy, be honest and direct with me!&#xA;Whenever you think I did something wrong, or even if I do it right and you feel insecure, you tell me, so I can adjust. Can I really count on you, can I rely on you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explanation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By tasking your passenger, you command them to do something they would do anyway, which should reduce these actions (this is the logic of contradiction and paradox).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you tasked them - and on the way validated their experience - they don’t need to prove their experience by correcting you, because you already validated them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note the exact wording:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever &lt;strong&gt;you think&lt;/strong&gt; I did something wrong, or even if I do it right and you feel insecure&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it is about Mallory’s thoughts, not reality, which should take the steam off discussions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, you open up the possibility of insecurity as a source of criticism, then it is about Mallory needing something instead of Anne doing something wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is all about being in command, like the captain on a ship. As driver, you are the captain of the car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;avoid justification at any cost. Just don’t do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory: You had to blink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anne: I don’t think so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did I mention not to justify? No? Well, &lt;strong&gt;do not justify&lt;/strong&gt; your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If necessary, repeat “I don’t think so.” or “Incorrect.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Mallory wants a discussion, say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see you take your task serious, thank you. But you are wrong on this. Let’s discuss when at home, not while driving, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stay in command. As captain, you do not justify, because justification invites arguing and discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you were insecure and asked for support, you asked as captain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory, I don’t know how to switch on X in this car. How is it done?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ooops, I think I screwed up on this. What’s your advice now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Scenarios&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a. If your front passenger shows signs of fear or panic (clutching at handles, pushing down their foot into the non-existing brake, holding their breath etc.) you tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mallory, are you afraid? I asked you to tell me whenever you have some points to make about my driving, and you accepted. Please, support me and let me know! Can I rely on you doing that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b. If he/she touches the controls, you say “hands down!” in a sharp tone of voice.&#xA;If they do not apologize immediately but want to discuss or justify themselves, tell them to wait, take the very next opportunity to safely pull over and stop the car.&#xA;Switch off the engine, turn around to face them also with your upper body and tell them in no uncertain terms to make a decision now: either apologize and make sure they never ever do that again, or get off the car now (or in the backseat, for that matter).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leave no room for discussion, but apply the “broken record technique” and repeat stereotypically:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am the driver, you are the passenger. Touching the controls is putting us in danger. I can’t let you do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this should do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Might be necessary to repeat the tasking part from time to time.&#xA;My father-in-law, a very astute man with a strong sense for perfection, used to comment on my driving more than I thought helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I finally found out what worked best:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you are saying this because you really care that we get there safely, am I correct? I appreciate this, and want to make sure we are safe, too. Please continue to advise, but don’t hold it back, please share it as soon as it comes to mind!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This helped him AND me to appreciate his positive intentions, he softened, and I understood his remarks as well-intentioned and could let go the effects they had on me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-29T22:07:52.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-30T04:01:13.990" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are visiting her house so your should ideally try to accommodate her wishes. You can always eat out if you can't go without meat for a week or so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in the long term, if you guys are going to be together, you should really talk about this and come up with a mutually acceptable solution. Frankly, food and sleep are the most important parts of our lives and something we need each and every day. It would be difficult to lead a happy life if you are fighting about it every day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a vegetarian and I would never cook meat but if my husband wanted to eat it, I would ask him to cook it himself or order food from outside. If I totally prevent him from eating it and try to convert him or force him to eat things which he doesn't like, it's really not going to work out forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please talk about your priorities and expectations from each other. &quot;Snowballing into a full-blown conversion&quot; is very very important&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T04:01:13.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8574" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-30T08:15:43.300" Score="37" ViewCount="10796" Body="&lt;p&gt;My SO and I are part of a group of people, and we often spend time together. While all people in the group have partners and all the couples attend to the dinners, we are the only one without kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time we hosted a dinner at our place, we felt more like being waiters than hosts: serving food, preparing special food for the kids (aged from 1 to 7 years), checking that the kids don't rumble down the living room, don't play with food around the house, etc. And the day after we still found rest of kids' food spread over several furniture. This of course took away all the fun from the evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During one of the dinners, they brought up the idea that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;it may be good to hire a babysitter next time we meet so we are more relaxed&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but they never followed up on that. And last time we talked about having dinner together, they all seemed to wait until the very last minute to offer their houses, like they were waiting for us to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: how can we politely invite the adults but tell them to leave the kids at home with a baby sitter?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10752" LastEditorUserId="3023" LastEditDate="2017-12-31T06:51:09.970" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T19:14:36.953" Title="How to tell friends that they are welcome without their kids?" Tags="&lt;children&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8574" CreationDate="2017-12-30T10:28:25.400" Score="27" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can we politely invite the adults but tell them to leave the kids at home &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What about&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi everyone, we’d like to invite everyone to dinner at our place, on Saturday, Jan 20 - for this time “adults only”. What do you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something along these lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you may in addition set a later starting time to underline the “adult” aspect of the dinner&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;set the date well in advance so they have time to get a baby sitter&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;expect that some might not attend, because they can’t or won’t go without their kids, so say “this time” that you can go back to the usual arrangement when necessary&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Including some ideas from comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Adults only” - give yourself a break from your duties as a parent and enjoy a delicious dinner at our place on Sat, Jan 20 at 8 pm!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="9437" LastEditDate="2017-12-30T22:56:04.320" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T22:56:04.320" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8387" CreationDate="2017-12-30T10:33:54.137" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hanging up a phone call, if not in the middle of a serious argument, is really impolite. It's childish, at the very least. She is taking way too much personal space, eating up yours. I would never do it, unless I were really pissed off and I were talking with a very close friend of mine - in other words, a person that could interpret correctly my behaviour and to whom I could effectively address my apologies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The kind of relationship that is built up by two people always depends on the two of them. Sure, on one end there is this woman that plays the part of the egocentric and spoilt victim - but at the other end she finds somebody willing to spoil her and taking all the blame for her excesses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She seems a lot off-centered, to the extent that she doesn't even know what the acceptable limits of her behaviour are and overflows you with her unstoppable feelings. Sometimes scolding somebody &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be useful. Of course, keep the focus on the problem: the two of you can still be friends, the legitimacy of her sorrows is not put in any doubt etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is the nth time you call me for help, I listen to you for like an hour and then you hang up for no reason whatsoever. I'm really fed up with it, and I won't accept it happening another time. I really want to help you, but if you behave like this I end being drained up and you get nothing either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then proceed in investigating &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; she hangs up like that: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;does she want to conceal her reaction to you/protect you from her reaction (eg tears, cries, excessive rage etc)? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does she feels that your suggestions are useless? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does she want your suggestions &lt;em&gt;at all?&lt;/em&gt; Lots of people just want to be listened (or to be able to play the part of the victim and complain).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lastly, does she behave like this with other people /did other people behave like this with her in the past or present? I find the latter likely: she probably learned somewhere that this is an acceptable and repeatable behaviour. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If&lt;/em&gt;, after stating how her behaviour makes you feel, &lt;em&gt;she apologises&lt;/em&gt;, you &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; apologise as well about the parts of your conversation that make her mad, without overdoing it: even if the fault never lies on only one side, in this case it's mainly hers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T10:33:54.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2017-12-30T14:24:25.940" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think anyone should have any problem with your train collection hobby until and unless you are trying to force it on them. And anyway why bother telling them about your hobby? The only two reasons I could think of someone asking for your hobby, specially a coworker, is they are either interested in you and want to know more about your life, your likes and interests or you have a birthday coming up and some coworker wants to gift you something but have no idea what to gift and asking you for your hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously I have never come across a situation when a coworker out of nowhere asked for your hobby for no reason. And you too don't need to announce it to anyone and even if someone knows why should you care whether they accept it or not until and unless you are doing in office time? Its what you do in your own time and like doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="504" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T14:24:25.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8574" CreationDate="2017-12-30T15:26:14.550" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The question makes me think &quot;we don't want to see your kids&quot; but the underlying info adds &quot;this time&quot;.  Those are two very different questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a get-together for just parents, I'd suggest coming out and saying it.  &quot;Hey guys - let's get together for just the grown-ups.&quot;  The parents will need time to find a baby-sitter, so I'd suggest allowing an extra week or two to make plans.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's not an excuse needed.  If you feel like giving one, &quot;My place isn't child-proof&quot; or &quot;I have some possessions that are valuable and I'd rather not risk them around small children&quot; are always useful; parents will understand that.  If the parents won't respect that and insist on bringing kids after you've asked them not to, well, that's a whole different SE question.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T15:26:14.550" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8574" CreationDate="2017-12-30T16:14:42.703" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you've seen, young children being raised the way you describe (different meals for small people, allowed  to eat away from the table, playing with whatever they see instead of only things their parents brought for them) are difficult guests at a traditional dinner party. As I see it you have at least three options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;host a different kind of get-together. For example a bar be que or other less formal meal, perhaps held mostly outside, in which the children's behavior would have far less drain on you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;host an adults-only party. It's easily done, requiring only plenty of notice, the words &quot;adults-only&quot; as part of the invitation, and a graceful acceptance that some people do not want to or cannot go out for the evening without their children (others do, so that's fine)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;keep doing what you're doing and consider it free parenting lessons for when you have your own children. Optionally, ask the parents to take more responsibility for their children rather than doing these things yourselves: letting the parents into your kitchen to make the kid meals, prompting the parent &quot;can you get Suzy off the carpet with that icecream please?&quot;, reminding the parents in advance to bring particular items, etc. When I had friends over with children, I didn't chase the kids or tend to them much; they had parents for that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend &lt;strong&gt;against&lt;/strong&gt; explaining your reasons for wanting an adults-only party. All that leads to is people feeling bad about what their kids did, or arguing with you about whether or not their kids did that, or telling you that all kids do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are still likely to see lots of their children when events are held at their houses. If you want, you could mix it up and have adults-only dinners some times, and madhouse picnic-jamborees other times, so that your friends don't feel you dislike their children. It's clear to me that your objection is to the disruption they cause to a typical adult evening dinner get-together, which is very real. Getting together in a variety of ways means more enjoyment for everyone. If the only way this group gets together is dinners at your house, then try not to make them all adults-only or you won't see those who can't do adults-only, and you'll never see the kids growing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T16:14:42.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-30T17:58:31.787" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;She's trying to control your behavior and is using your stay as a pretext.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's reasonable to let you know that you won't be served meat, if that's the case, but your answer implies that there may be meat available, and she wants you not to eat it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To provide some context as to whether I have a bias:  I eat meat substitutes a lot and go many days without meat, and I avoid some meat entirely (veal, lamb, pork products).  This is more for concern about the animals' suffering than health concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your girlfriend wants to pressure you into doing things her way rather than persuading you to see things her way, and this sends up a red flag.  What will you do if you eventually marry and share a home?  What else will she expect you to change about yourself to suit her preferences?  What is she willing to change about herself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if this happened to me I would seriously reevaluate the relationship.  Over many years I've learned that some partners continue increasing their demands and expectations and this eventually reaches a very uncomfortable point.  Some quirks, insecurities, preferences, and fears are part of the richness of a relationship, and accommodating them can be a worthwhile, self-sacrificing act of love and compromise, but if this is too one-sided or neurotic and goes unaddressed, it's often a recipe for unhappiness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the very least I would insist that she respect my freedom to choose.  Maybe her reaction would tell you a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been single for a few years now, so you can also weigh that into my credibility. :)  Not looking, not willing to disrupt my life right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10765" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T17:58:31.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8584" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-30T18:33:57.420" Score="11" ViewCount="9730" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I (23f) have been working with a guy (30m) for more than half a year already. We used to joke around at work, talk about different topics and generally came to know each other. In those conversations I made it clear (or at least I think so) that I'm in no hurry to getting married and not sure if I ever will. I've always thought about my relationship with him as a kind of &quot;office frindship&quot; that stays mostly in office and doesn't go much beyond that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After several months he invited me to go with him and his friends to a quest room of sorts and while I agreed I didn't put much thought in it, it didn't look like a date of any kind so I only came to have a good time with a friend. We went with his friends and former colleagues to the same quest room again a couple of months later which was quite fun as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However he recently invited me to spend the later half of New Year (31 December night) with him and his friends and former colleagues, to play board games and to eat. I agreed, but having received recently a relatively expensive New Year present (smart-watch) from him, I can't help but rethink our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While he never posed any of our goings out together as dates nor did he say anything directly about getting involved romantically and I can't help but think if that's what he wants. When we went together he used to try to hug me when we met up/left. I didn't feel comfortable, but went along, at the same time persuading myself that it didn't mean much. He is &lt;em&gt;highly&lt;/em&gt; extroverted by the way, so I wouldn't put it past him to do it to his casual friends, but all the while during those hugs he tries to kiss me on a cheek which makes me even more uncomfortable and I don't know how to react without being offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I could have come clear and talked to him about it - asked him directly if he has anything romantic in mind, it doesn't seem like the right approach, because there's a huge opportunity for plausible deniability for him - he didn't go beyond just those hugs and going out together with other people without any romantic context. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I need to figure out how to make it clear to him that whatever it is he wants beyond casual non-romantic relationships doesn't interest me, but to do it subtly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I need to find a way of refusing those hugs without being offensive or overly obvious. So far pulling my phone and checking it right after saying hello helped - it wouldn't feel right for him to hug me half a minute after we met, so he didn't try it. But sometimes I do forget to do that and he initiates the hug and I have no choice but return it. Is there any subtle way out of it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;: Concerning the cultural aspect, I'm from Eastern Europe and while things are rather conservative here it's not so much with younger generations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10769" LastEditorUserId="10769" LastEditDate="2017-12-30T18:57:55.677" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T19:02:34.250" Title="How to communicate I'm not interested in any relationship other than friendship?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8586" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8584" CreationDate="2017-12-30T18:56:02.027" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The subtle way out of this is to start turning down these outside of work invites.  Draw back from this friendship.  Be friendly but less available for conversation at work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he initiates unwanted hugs, draw back, put your hand up, and ask him not to hug you.  Please don't feel like you can't tell him no or ask him to respect your boundaries.  It's unhealthy to feel like you are obliged to hug someone because it would be too awkward not to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also nothing wrong with clearly communicating that you were uncomfortable with the expensive present.  I might return the gift to him and tell him I don't feel right accepting something so expensive from a friend from work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10709" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T18:56:02.027" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8587" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-30T19:11:25.650" Score="8" ViewCount="637" Body="&lt;h3&gt;The situation:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother recently had surgery and I'm helping her. It's been about 8 days now. I don't mind helping, but she wants to talk to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for what it is. She had bunion surgery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;My situation:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have really bad anxiety and depression, and I do not deal well with people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The result:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am shutting down. My anxiety level is sky high because I don't know when she is going to want to strike up a random conversation I don't care about, and I'm depressed because I can't get anything done. My brain is not working. I can't think. At first, I tried to get some thesis reading done and some writing, but now, I'm can't even concentrate enough read a &amp;quot;fluff novel&amp;quot;. I'm even too depressed to play games. Before writing this, I was lying on the floor, curled up in the fetal position waiting for her to say something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not just having to hold a conversation, which itself is hard for me, but not knowing when I'll have to do it next. And then there is the issue of having to be on high alert all the time. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The complication:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to not wanting to offend her, I don't want her to stop asking for my help. She is mostly able to do everything she needs to on her own now, but if there is something she needs help with I WANT her to ask for my help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should stress that my mother is exceptional at inducing guilt. Right now, I'm ill-equipped to deal with my existing mental and emotional stress. I can't take any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;What I need:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not really sure. I'm at the end of my rope here. I can't say anything because she'll do her Catholic mother guilt thing, and also she does actually need me for stuff. I just need...I don't know, what I need. I just want her to stop talking to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need quiet time. I need peace. But I can't push her away, and I can't damage my relationship with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess what I need an answer too is then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The question:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I communicate all of this to my mother without causing problems?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;What I've been trying:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been exercising as much as I can, and I'm already on anti-depressants. For the most part, however, when I'm not talking to her or helping, I'm sitting in front of my computer trying to play games, or, more recently, lying on the floor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally I bike, but the weather isn't so great. That's another issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also tried finding a cafe within biking distance. Just say I was going to go there for an hour or two. However, there aren't any. I've been of the opinion &amp;quot;why have a care if you can instead spend that money on a nice apartment close to campus.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How it ended up (aka final edit):&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it turned out, my mother recognized something was wrong, and sort of broached the subject the very evening I posted this question. I was, after all, a basket case. I simply explained that I want to help, but need to otherwise be left alone. It was a simple short, painless, and guilt free conversation. She is now back at work, as am I.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answers given don't quite answer my question. In the end, it just sort of resolved itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10772" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T23:46:41.260" Title="Needing quiet time, but not wanting to offend or cause &quot;problems&quot;" Tags="&lt;depression&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8588" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8597" CreationDate="2017-12-30T19:15:25.050" Score="5" ViewCount="1075" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have those two friends visiting me: Steve and Bob (not real names obviously).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I enjoy the company of both of them, but I feel closer to Steve. I see him really rarely (once every year or two) because of distance. Bob lives significantly closer, but not locally. I am able to see him 2-3 times a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When Bob learned Steve is visiting the region he announced it would be a great excuse for all three of us to see each other, and so he that he should come as well. In the most part this is true. However, I &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; would like to also spend some time alone with Steve. We share some interests which Bob does not. Also, as closer friends I was really looking forward to proper and deeper catching up - something not really possible with the dynamic of us as a trio. On one hand I acknowledge that Bob would also really like to see Steve (they've met and became friends independently of me). On the other hand I feel slightly cheated off a time with a close friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob is undecided on how long to make his stay. He is flexible and currently plans to leave only one day before Steve does. I would like to get more time than that with Steve, especially that the last day is bound to be frantic with him leaving quite early next morning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be a good way to communicate my needs to Bob without disrespecting his relation with Steve and (preferably) not making him feel like he is not being appreciated in the trio (because he &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; appreciated)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is happening in the UK, famous for its indirectness. The people involved are exceptionally bad at sending and reading hints...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10770" LastEditorUserId="10770" LastEditDate="2017-12-30T21:44:02.687" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T00:26:25.297" Title="When having two visitors over, how to communicate a desire to spend more one-on-one time with only one of them?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8589" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2017-12-30T19:19:14.500" Score="5" ViewCount="3549" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been given a smart-watch as New Year present by a friend. I didn't expect it and didn't think our presents are going to be in that higher price range. Now I'm conflicted about what to do. I hate being indebted, so I feel like I must get him a present at least in similar price range. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder though what can be done to prevent such situations in the future - when you are given an expensive gift which forces you to retaliate with something of similar value, even if you didn't budget plan it? Or is it really necessary to do - from etiquette point of view?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10769" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T04:41:51.720" Title="A friend gifted me a relatively expensive present, what present is appropriate for me to give him back" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-31T04:32:02.353" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8584" CreationDate="2017-12-30T19:26:19.113" Score="9" Body="&lt;h1&gt;How to make it clear you're interested in friendship only&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One option, as you point out, is to have a frank conversation with him. As much as I am a general advocate for candor, that may not be the best option here. He has never said anything direct to you on the topic, never asked you out on an official &quot;date&quot;, no open/obvious flirting, no attempts at physical contact that clearly crosses the line from friendly to romantic, etc. Opening a conversation about how you don't want to date him could end badly, with hurt feelings on both sides. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might be able to do more to clearly broadcast to him that you're not interested in anything more than friendship, though. Here are a couple suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most importantly, be very careful about not sending mixed signals (don't flirt with him, etc.). It sounds like you're already very conscious of this, but it bears repeating since appearing inconsistent here can undermine the rest of your clear &quot;not interested&quot; signaling.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him how much you value his friendship as friendship. For example, you can say something like &quot;It's so nice to be able to hang out and have fun without any of the weirdness of dating.&quot; or &quot;I feel so much more relaxed with you than with other guys --- I think the fact that we can be just friends is so nice&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you feel comfortable doing so, mention to him other people you would be interested in dating. Confiding in him in this way can strengthen your friendship while underscoring the fact that it's not building toward romance. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him he's like a brother to you. That generally puts a quick stop to any romance-y feelings. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One other thing: This all assumes that you are indeed interested in maintaining a friendship with this guy. If you'd rather get away from him completely, then you should do that instead --- just stop accepting invitations, don't answer his phone calls, always be busy, keep things cool and professional at work. You don't have to be friends with him just because he wants to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How to get out of those hugs&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're right that those hugs and cheek kisses might be an attempt to get close to you because of a romantic interest, then clearly &quot;friendzoning&quot; him as above might actually stop the hug attempts without you having to do anything else. It's also not clear from your question whether you want the hugs to stop because you think they're part of the romantic signaling, or if you just don't want to be hugged by him regardless of the motivation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming the hugs don't stop, though, and assuming you'd like to not be hugged like that even if there's clearly no romantic intent associated with it, here's what you can do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bring it up at another time (not right when you meet/part), saying how awkward you feel about hugging as a greeting. If you want to lighten the blow, maybe make a joke about how sensitive you are about personal space (Note: I'm not saying you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; being overly sensitive, and you shouldn't feel like you're in the wrong here --- I'm just pointing out that assuming the &quot;blame&quot; for awkwardness can smooth over a situation, even when it's not actually justified). There's a big cultural difference here, too, since hugging/cheek kissing is a very standard greeting in some places but not others. If you and he have different cultural backgrounds, that could be a way to open the conversation (e.g. &quot;It's so funny how everyday stuff varies country to country. Like the hugging as a greeting thing --- I know it's super normal here, but where I grew up it would be a huge invasion of personal space! I feel super awkward about it every time.&quot;). Hopefully he'll get the hint and stop doing that with you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it a general request. When you all get together, pre-empt the first hug by saying something like &quot;Oh, I'm so weird about hugs --- can we just do high fives or something instead?&quot; and then high-five everybody. Be prepared for a little friendly teasing, and try to keep things light. Be very firm about the lack of hugging, though (if &quot;teasing&quot; turns into an attempt at forcing a hug, shut it down hard by backing away and saying &quot;No, seriously, I'm not comfortable being hugged.&quot;) This only works if lots of people in your friend group hug/kiss each other as greetings, of course; if it's just him then a &quot;general request&quot; will feel very pointed no matter how you word it.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Replace the hugging with something else, like your trick with taking out your phone at the moment when a hug would take place. You can also try doing a smile + wave while keeping your body turned slightly away and maybe even taking a step backward. If you can put something/someone between you while you do a smile + wave (e.g. greet him from the other side of a chair or something), that may also help stop the hug. Note that these replacement actions can work to prevent individual hugs, but you'll want to make your feelings understood more generally (such as with #1 and/or #2) to stop the hug attempts altogether.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T19:26:19.113" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8589" CreationDate="2017-12-30T19:44:26.530" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The way to prevent this happening again is to not reciprocate.&lt;/strong&gt; Who knows why your friend gave you such an expensive gift (maybe it was given to him and he didn't want it, maybe he has some connection in the industry and he got a whole box of them at a really good value and gave them to a ton of people, etc.). One thing is true: If you now give him a gift of similar value, it will validate his choice of gift to you and set a standard for your gift exchanges going forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, leave things as they are. Give him the candle or $5 itunes giftcard or whatever you were planning to give him. That communicates to him that he misjudged --- it's as much of a faux pas to give an over-gift as to under-gift --- and he can recalibrate for next time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extra tip: If you haven't opened and used it already, leave it in its packaging for a while. That way, if he gets offended and says something about you shorting him on your gift, you can counter right away with an offer that he take the watch back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T19:44:26.530" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8473" CreationDate="2017-12-30T19:49:12.300" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let it rest. Assume she means well and is not blind, and thus won't ask you again next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she asks you again next time:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I appreciate the opportunity, but I'll pass this time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't give her a reason. Among people who respect each other, a reason is not needed in such a situation. If she's at all sensible, this will be the end of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she indeed presses on, clarify that her behavior is not welcome:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You're making me uncomfortable, please stop.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she escalates further, the best course of action is to simply leave the room for a couple minutes, reiterating one last time that you are not available. You could also state that you are sure the group will find a solution that does not involve you this time. Then disappear for a couple minutes - best take a short walk outside. This will give the adults (if there are any) ample opportunity to resolve the situation without bullying anyone into being Santa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T19:49:12.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8574" CreationDate="2017-12-30T21:01:45.420" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can we politely invite the adults but tell them to leave the kids at home with a baby sitter?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been on both sides of this question. We are younger than many of our friends, so they had kids when we were just in a couple-only phase. Now we have kids and our friends' kids are grown and long gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of the answers here have some good ideas. But I would suggest NOT giving reasons (breakable items, food everywhere, etc.) since I think they can engender bad feelings. The reasons also can prompt delusional thinking: &quot;Well, it's OK if we bring our darling Esmerelda, because the hosts said they don't want the added noise / said they have breakable items. Darling Esmerelda is NEVER noisy and NEVER breaks anything, because she is so perfectly behaved! She's practically a grown up even though she's three, likes to destroy furniture, isn't potty trained, won't eat unless hand fed standing up and only screams for 50 minutes of every hour!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, invite the friends for a special grown-up evening. As others have said, give plenty of notice and provide some additional cues that this is a special, one-off evening. Do this by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sending an Evite. &#xA;I don't know how you normally arrange these events, but Evites are free and you can pick a suitably adult-looking invitation. As @Mast notes below, the Evite should explicitly say, &quot;A grown-ups-only evening at the Smiths&quot; or something else that lets guests know to leave children at home.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Picking a later start time!&#xA;You don't say what time these things usually start, but if you are the host, you should be able to pick the tone and time. If you start your event at 8 p.m., when most kids are (should be)in bed, that's a giant clue to reinforce the &quot;grown-up&quot; dinner to which you have already alerted your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Choosing a &quot;grown-up&quot; theme/food.&#xA;Pick your evite accordingly and note &quot;an evening of X cuisine&quot; with X cuisine being something specific and not necessarily child friendly. You might also choose to change the attire -- just for fun, ostensibly, but also to reinforce a &quot;grown up&quot; ambiance. This doesn't have to be a 1950s costume party, but you could write &quot;cocktail attire&quot; on your evite.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the key to making this evite/evening fun for your friends is testing the waters ahead of time. You can call or email the group and say you wanted to mix it up a bit, celebrate the group, whatever and want to do this by doing something different JUST THIS ONCE. &quot;What does everyone think about a kind of grown up cocktail party? We'll start it later, make it adults only, etc. etc.&quot; You might add how much you love being around such amazing, wonderful ... spirited ... children but thought that it might be fun for the parents to let loose and not have to be watching anyone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the right email preview of the type of evening you envision could help prevent questions and hurt feelings when guests get the Evite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, if one or another couple in the group is so tone deaf as to ask you if you really mean that they should leave THEIR darling child at home, try the following: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Of course we always love being with your amazing Hubert! He really is an exceptional 4 year old! I never knew a child that age could so easily destroy, I mean &lt;em&gt;be so creative with&lt;/em&gt; his crayon additions to, our fine art collection! But you know, we couldn't accommodate all the children in the group for this one evening. (Just between us, not all the kids are as precocious as Hubert!) So we wouldn't want to hurt anyone else's feelings by including Hubie after telling the others to leave their children at home. I'm sure you understand the tough spot we would be in if we included Hubert, even though he, well, um, stands alone in his behavior.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(thanks @Mast)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10778" LastEditorUserId="10778" LastEditDate="2017-12-31T07:07:44.260" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T07:07:44.260" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2017-12-30T21:18:12.747" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of parents are just plain nuts when it comes to correcting their children. But this is not YOUR problem! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a kid pushes, hits, cuts in line, etc. I have taken two different approaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.)  A loud, &quot;Excuse me, young man!&quot; should get a normal parent's attention. If the parent is a normal, civilized person, he or she will apologize and say something to junior. Then you smile, thank the person, say you hope you didn't offend, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the parent doesn't respond, you might or might not have gotten junior's attention. You might or might not provoke an angry response from the parent. Ignore an angry parent or walk away from a parental tirade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2.) I'm not proud to admit it, but sometimes a passive-aggressive approach can spare you a confrontation. I have, more than once, loudly said to a friend, &quot;THAT CHILD JUST HIT ME! I'M NOT SURE WHERE/WHO THE PARENT IS, BUT THAT IS NOT OK!&quot; A sane, but distracted parent at this point will apologize, corral junior, etc. Then see above about smiling, thanking parent, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please remember that many parents are doing the best they can and fall down like the rest of us. I try also to remember a friend's comment, &quot;I am never shocked by what a child does. A perfectly wonderful, well-parented child will do something crazy and horrible ... because he or she is a child. I am often shocked by a parent's reponse (or lack thereof).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10778" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T21:18:12.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8584" CreationDate="2017-12-30T22:12:13.977" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to explain that you don't want to send the wrong message and to replace your New Years Eve celebration with something that you organize yourself and pay for yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, you two could go on something like a brunch at 11 in the morning the next day, or both go to a different New Years Eve celebration where couples are not allowed, or go go-cart racing the next weekend, or do something else entirely.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he inquires about what message you don't want him receiving. Just tell him that you just want to be friends, but that you're worried that if you go and spend New Year's Eve with him that it might make him think of you as something more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After which, if he wants to clear up that misunderstanding, or promise you that he's not going to hit on you, nor try to kiss you on the mouth at midnight, then you may want to change your mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just that sometimes, it's better to clear up things like this before alcohol/champagne start getting ingested. Also, if he wants to kiss a girl on New Year's Eve, that would give him a chance to find someone else for New Year's Eve and still allow you two to do something fun and strictly platonic the next day or next week. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2018-01-01T19:02:34.250" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T19:02:34.250" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2017-12-30T22:13:08.983" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perspective: I eat meat. Many kind of meats, from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I traveled to countries where eating pork was frown upon, difficult or plain forbidden. I like pork but did not eat pork for weeks then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I visited people who were vegetarians, stayed at &lt;strong&gt;their&lt;/strong&gt; house and did not eat meat during that time. Man, the burger I got &lt;strong&gt;back home&lt;/strong&gt; tasted great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went to places where I was given meat cuts which I could not stand. It was disgusting and I told them nicely that I will pass. I was offered a grilled monkey head once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is to say that &lt;strong&gt;meat&lt;/strong&gt; is something you can afford to put in the side for a week. It is not like your girlfriend wants you to stop drinking water during that time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also have a hard stare at the future of your relationship if you have to eat meat to the point that you are sending her, a vegetarian, pictures of your meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2017-12-30T22:13:08.983" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8588" CreationDate="2017-12-30T23:02:17.830" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being indirect is okay, but then you significantly reduce the chance of getting your desired outcome.  Obviously it's way easier to hint and hope they understand, but it sounds like Bob is either not getting the hint or doesn't want to spend less time and is playing dumb. Either way your hinting/subtleness to this point has not been effective. I understand the difference in culture, but if he needs a more specific description of your feelings, it is your responsibility. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing you should do is decide for yourself that it is okay to want to spend more time with Steve.  If you don't really believe this already, you can't be very convincing with your subtle hinting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point if you want to have Steve alone to yourself for extra time, you need to tell Bob that you are really excited for the three of you to spend some time together, but since you rarely get to see Steve, you want to be sure you get enough time with him alone.  You may soften the blow by planning an activity that you know Steve would like and Bob wouldn't towards the end of his trip - that way you can say, &quot;Steve and I really like to do XYZ, so I've planned that for ABC day - would you be ok if we did that just the two of us since I don't get to see him very often?  I'd like the time when we are all three together to be focussed on things we like to do together and then have some time with Steve separate from that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how you tell Bob, it will likely be awkward, but that's when you need to remind yourself that it is okay to want some alone time and the only way you will get it is by being more assertive than you might normally be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6236" LastEditorUserId="6236" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T17:53:39.573" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T17:53:39.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8589" CreationDate="2017-12-31T02:17:44.160" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The appropriate thing to “give him back” as you put it, would probably be whatever you were thinking of in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if they were expecting reciprocation, hopefully they'll say something (and you can if you wish decide to de-prioritise the friendship)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;they may like the thing you give them regardless of its monetary value&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are truly worried about the feeling that you “need” to reciprocate, &lt;strong&gt;ask&lt;/strong&gt; why they chose this present for you. @Rose's answer already points out that it may not have cost the donor as much as you're afraid of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were asking me this in person, I'd have to ask if you thought there was any chance the donor intended this as a romantic gesture (which completely changes the likely-effective responses).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7201" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T02:17:44.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-12-31T02:43:18.480" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell people that my girlfriend and I don't want, and never will want children of our own without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, the answer depends on what you want out of the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are interested in a debate, you can explain your views and your reasons and prepare yourself for every one of the follow up, know-it-all questions you listed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your goal, instead, is to end the questions and the follow ups as quickly as possible, here's how I used to handle this particular line of intrusive questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: So, you're not getting any younger! When are you planning a family? A child is the greatest experience for a couple ... etc. etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: We'll be sure to let you know!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: Well, you can't wait too long, right? I mean, are you EVEN TRYING?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: We'll be sure to let you know!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: I don't understand! Don't you like children?! Don't you know how much it means to a spouse to have a child?! etc. etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: We'll be sure to let you know!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, since the person may or may not be getting the point, you excuse yourself --&#xA; you suddenly hear your name being called, need to check on spouse/the game/your work/the food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck and remember that you don't OWE anyone any explanation of anything you don't wish to share. If you want to explain, that's your prerogative. If you don't, that's your choice, too. But for well-meaning people, I prefer to avoid a debate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10778" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T02:43:18.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2017-12-31T04:17:12.453" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell them you don't want children. They will persist, they will try to convince you. As others have pointed out, children are so central to the existence of many people, they can't wrap their head around your decision, and I think that's core to the constant badgering anyone receives from their family about &lt;em&gt;&quot;when are you having kids? when are you having another kid? do you want more kids? you should want more kids.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best bet is to supply whatever information you're willing to supply, and firmly shut down further questioning. Then when it comes up again, shut it down again, and keep doing that until your friends and family get that goading you and your girlfriend about children is off the table as a conversation topic, forever. If your friends/family persist, be rude about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this because you will have to provide something strong enough to jar them out of their engrained belief that children are central to the human experience, &lt;strong&gt;but you won't be able to do that with anyone who has children and has any love for them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's kind of an ugly answer but honestly, deflecting the issue, reasoning with, and coming to peace with &quot;family is being rude&quot; isn't going to get it done. This conversation about having kids is more polarized than modern US politics; as you've probably seen at this point, you will never change anyone's mind about how much they love their own children. Set boundaries, then dig a trench in front, then roll out some barbed wire, then bury some landmines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6871" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T04:17:12.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8589" CreationDate="2017-12-31T04:30:26.360" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everything in your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I didn't expect it ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I'm conflicted about what to do ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate being indebted ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder though what can be done to prevent such situations in the future&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;seems to stem from the wide gap between your expectations and their action. The question of &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; they gave you such an expensive gift seems to be at the heart of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would do as the other answers suggest and give a modest present in return - something appropriate to your friendship - then, since you describe them as a friend, &lt;strong&gt;I would ask&lt;/strong&gt;. Try not to make them feel embarrassed, but give them a chance to explain all the same:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, this is a really nice gift and I appreciate it, but it's more expensive than I usually buy for friends and I'm feeling a little bit awkward about it ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3101" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T04:41:51.720" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8501" CreationDate="2017-12-31T04:43:16.420" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have friends whose serious and significant hobbies were resented by their spouse. One of my relatives (who works as a full time salaried employee in a public sector insurance company) is deeply interested in Indian Classical Music and he spends a lot of time listening to music. He is a member of a music club in our hometown in South India and volunteers his time to help organize events, and  will also go away to nearby towns or cities on some weekends to attend concerts. All that activity is disliked by his un-musical wife whom he married 2 years ago by arranged marriage. Her most frequent complaint was&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;why do you waste your time with this useless and unproductive activity! If you are meeting some relatives or doing some social work I can understand...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It became a real problem in their relationship earlier this year and what my cousin told me in July strikes me as significant to your situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My relationship with music pre-dates my wedding. It is very important for me to listen to music and take part in music related activities because it satisfies a deep inner need that is totally different from my interaction with my wife or other people. I need my me-time and need to spend it in my own way. But she refuses to accept the legitimacy of this need, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;my cousin said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That strikes me as very similar to how you perceive your own activities on Stack Exchange. It is obviously very important to you. But how to communicate that effectively and without hostility to your partner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what my cousin did: he thought about his problem, discussed it with me (another music fanatic) and came to realize that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;his wife resented his deep involvement with music because she worried that music was more important to him than she was.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; Once he understood that insecurity he began to work towards convincing her through direct action that she was equally important to him, though in a very different way. He managed to schedule regular we-time with his wife and family but in balancing proportion insisted on having his me-time to spend on music. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also managed to communicate to his wife through repeated patient discussions that music satisfies a deep emotional need in his life, but he values his relationship with her just as much. He firmly but nicely told her that he is not going to compromise on music for satisfying her insecurity, nor will he neglect her for music's sake. And by walking the talk he has given her enough confidence that he deeply values their relationship, and this has significantly reduced her irritation with his musical activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So they have struck a balance between we-time and me-time.&lt;/strong&gt; I would stress the need to communicate your position on Stack Exchange clearly to your partner and simultaneously show your committment to the relationship, emphasising the fact that spending time with your partner is extremely important to you, but you also need and value your very constructive altruistic work online as that important me-time activity that every human being needs to balance their professional and personal commitments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2017-12-31T05:21:08.950" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T05:21:08.950" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8604" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8605" CreationDate="2017-12-31T08:31:55.197" Score="3" ViewCount="824" Body="&lt;p&gt;Over the past several years I've observed my brother-in-law (my wife's sister's husband) ogling my wife. In the most extreme case, he watched her change into her swimsuit through the window of a motor home. In more typical scenarios, he seems to find an excuse to approach her while she's in a visually-vulnerable situation (i.e.: nursing, swimming, etc.), and linger. It may be relevant that he is flirtatious, although my wife does not respond to it (not intentionally, although it seems he may have taken some of her actions as responses).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I initially thought it may simply be coincidence, and tried hard to come up with other explanations (for my own peace of mind), I've observed enough obvious ogling occurring to accept that this is intentional. I doubt he would never cross the line of touching her or worse - this question is just about the ogling &amp;amp; flirting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the twist: my wife has only seen (or accepted) that it happened once (possibly due to her wishing so badly that it was not occurring, as it hinders her relationship with her sister). My wife's parents have never seen it either (they are wholesome, conservative, Christians, who would be shocked by it; but who also may be blind to it). To my knowledge, everyone else in her family regards the man in question as upstanding, and above reproach, and would never think he would do anything of the sort (he is, after all, a pastor). It is making me think I'm crazy... could I be mistaken about what I've seen?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should he be confronted in order to pursue family unity, or is ogling harmless?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10786" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T11:00:27.513" Title="Should I overlook a family member ogling my wife, or confront them in hopes it will stop?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2017-12-31T13:20:22.777" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8604" CreationDate="2017-12-31T09:56:17.850" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Unwanted ogling is harmful.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In the most extreme case, he watched her change into her swimsuit through the window of a motor home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my country, that is directly asking for getting punched in the face. In your country, it may be asking for a legal responsibility, public shaming, or something similar. I'm not sure which way of action is appropriate for your culture, but I'm 100% sure you should not just shrug it off. It is your wife, don't you feel like her safety is your business?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's my suggestion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to your wife about it. Ask her what she thinks and feels about it. Try to be supportive, don't blame her for anything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make up a plan of actions in case he will not stop his actions after you talking about him. Like, suing him, or whatever is appropriate in your culture.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Approach him directly, in private. Say what you feel and what you want. Example: &quot;I saw you staring at my wife. I feel angry about it. I want you to stop doing sh*t like that.&quot; Don't shout or threaten him in any way though.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't accept any excuses. You're only making a statement about your feelings and about which behavior is acceptable and which is not. It doesn't matter if he thinks his guilty or not, you're only drawing a line which he should not cross &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; the moment you said that. What was done &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt;, cannot be undone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he starts threatening you, threaten him back with whatever you've planned in step #2. Make it clear you &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; do that, disregarding the fact that he is a pastor or whatever.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If all above doesn't work, implement the plan from step #2.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not sure what is the appropriate way to deal with him (step #2), you should probably consult a lawyer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6751" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T09:56:17.850" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8604" CreationDate="2017-12-31T10:51:16.033" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the women I know including myself frequently ignore ogling and we rarely talk about it unless it's very uncomfortable. However, we are aware of the people who persistently stare at us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you have observed this so many times, chances are your wife may also be aware of this.Please talk to her and let her know that you would try to handle this without trying to upset her relation with her sister. You shouldn't directly tell her family when you are sure that they wouldn't agree with you. But your feelings do matter so you should speak with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time you observe this, pull him aside and tell him in clear terms that you feel quite uncomfortable with this behavior. You can always give past examples that you have noticed. He may argue for a while and shout at you that your accusations are baseless but even then, this should straighten him up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless he's truly innocent, I don't think he will inform others about your discussion. Even if he informs others, they would just label you as a possessive/jealous sort of a guy and everyone would be careful when you all visit the next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastEditorUserId="10513" LastEditDate="2017-12-31T11:00:27.513" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T11:00:27.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8587" CreationDate="2017-12-31T15:07:46.837" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's been eight days since the bunions operation.  Unless there is something I don't understand about the operation or your mother's ability to physically recuperate, eight days is long enough for her to start becoming self-sufficient around the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can still assist her with things that are difficult for her -- perhaps carrying heavy or awkward objects or doing tasks that involve a lot of standing or moving (cooking? taking a load of wash down to the washer ? getting the mail ? making the beds?), but these things can be planned ahead and do not require you to be in constant attendance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, your school work is suffering.  You cannot work on your thesis.  There must be other university-related things you are skipping -- seminars, conferences with your advisor, lectures.  Even if it is Intersession, there are events at university you are missing.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Tell your mother that you need to get back into your university routine.  In particular, you need the library.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mother also needs to ease back into her normal life.  Ask her if she'd like you to go with her to do some shopping, or would she like you to escort her to visit a friend and then pick her up at a certain time and take her home, or would she like to have some of her friends over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your last sentence is unclear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;why have a care if you can instead spend that money on a nice&#xA;  apartment close to campus.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It implies that you have some money.  If so, and if the weather is so bad biking is impractical, and if public transportation is bad, take a taxi to the campus. Or walk.  Just get out every day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T15:07:46.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6982" CreationDate="2017-12-31T21:44:20.537" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Very good answers already, but just in the case, when there are no agreed schedules, but just times when its ok, and times when it need to stop, I tend to ask what they are currently on, and how long it will take them to finish the current task. Usually the estimates are within a reasonable timespan, like 3-10 minutes. And they are happy you take them and their mission seriously. The length of their current mission is for most kids that age much easier too measure, then some abstract 5 or 10 minutes. I am quite bad at keeping track of the time when I am playing myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I played in that age, i totally dived into the game at times, and became that character. At least they are allowed to say good bye the way they want. (this is not just for videogames)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is an online community in the background somewhere, it will take more time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good thing for me about this is:&#xA;you show interest in what they are doing, and what they are spending their precious time with. And that will make it easier for them to have a conversation later on. For what its worth, you could ask them what the most fascinating thing about game XY is, and probably have some real enthusiasm and talk... no guarantees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and i strongly would advise you trying to switch games to some age appropiate games, but that would be off topic, sorry, please edit this out, if unrelated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9791" LastEditorUserId="9791" LastEditDate="2017-12-31T22:00:35.333" LastActivityDate="2017-12-31T22:00:35.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8587" CreationDate="2018-01-01T05:35:36.997" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you really want some quiet time and you want to be truthful about it, you need to tell her the same. Tell her clearly that you are always there for her, however, you need time to study and complete your work so request her to call you only when it's something very important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, you can find a way out of the conversation (once you are sure she doesn't need an actual help) by pretending to be on a call/chat with your friend, an important event at college/work which can't be postponed and say something like 'I've got a minute, I need to run'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case, chances are she may try to make you feel guilty. Mine does, whenever I tell her I'm busy &quot;Oh, I'm sure all that work is much more important than your elderly parents now that you don't need us as much&quot;. I have learnt to ignore these kind of comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even new moms occasionally need some time for themselves from their babies, a grown up kid needing time away from a parent is nothing to feel guilty of. You can't really control her reaction to what you are saying, just try not to feel guilty about needed time for your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T05:35:36.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8587" CreationDate="2018-01-01T05:36:48.787" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion you need to take a firm stand saying that this cannot continue as-is, as well as base your argument on neutral things related to you, and not directly to her (so she will not take it personal and move the discussion there).  You also need to say that you still want to help and support her, but on your terms, not hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest using your education as leverage - as your mother she is most likely interested in you doing well in life, and probably consider your current efforts important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Mom, I need to attend to school now or I will miss out too much and&#xA;  risk failing my exams.  Also I absolutely must have time on my own to&#xA;  minimize the impact that my anxiety and depression has on my learning&#xA;  ability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will still be happy to help you but I cannot do it all the time, so&#xA;  I would like to make an arrangement with you that I come by every day&#xA;  from X to Y and do what you need help with, and then leave for the&#xA;  day?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best result will come if you think a little ahead, so you are prepared if it comes up. Decide with yourself what X and Y should be beforehand.  Decide if you will negotiate them or not.  For this to work when she agrees to it eventually, I would suggest that you give her your full attention in that time, and none outside of it. (&quot;Mom, can this wait until I come over tomorrow?&quot;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3658" LastEditorUserId="3658" LastEditDate="2018-01-01T10:10:32.883" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T10:10:32.883" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8574" CreationDate="2018-01-01T19:14:36.953" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A simple &quot;Adults only&quot; in the invitation is sufficient, along with plenty of notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real problem isn't inviting them appropriately, it's doing so without causing friction.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've indicated that you're the only couple in this group without kids, and that every other couple has kids and brings them. You've further indicated that they are all young children under the age of 7.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disinviting the children, particularly as the only family without children, will pose difficulties for the others.  Rather than a relaxed, low cost night out to socialize with friends, they're going to have to arrange for babysitting in advance, pay for it, and stick to their schedule. Given they are all young families, chances are good this extra expense will be an issue and may prevent them coming.  For others, scheduling in advance may prevent them from coming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you must first understand and accept that this is a limitation you'd be imposing on them which may reduce participation.  Since you've suggested that all the families come to every meal, this may be quite a blow to the group.  If it's common for couples to not attend every get-together, it probably won't have as much impact, but be careful here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, if you always disinvite children when dinners are held at your place, it may result in some resentment or feelings of ill will.  When they invite you and the other couples and their children over, they each have as big a mess to clean up as you did, and as much responsibility during the event as you did.  Since you don't have children you feel you should be able to opt out out of the hosting and clean-up responsibilities associated with the children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally this will appear to be imbalanced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such I suggest you consider two additions to your overall get-together planning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Adults only parties should be rare, and seen not as a &quot;I don't want to see your children, I want to see you without your children.&quot;  It's a different atmosphere and event, but for reasons shown above it should be used sparingly, otherwise it'll be apparent you're only doing it to get out of work they are used to doing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Name the issue you're facing, own up to it, and provide them with reassurance that you're not trying to get out of work.  There are many ways to do this, but one possible suggestion is, when someone else is hosting, call up the host an hour early and ask if you can come over early to watch the kids, or help them prepare (clean, cook, setup, etc).  Let them know you understand it's harder for them to host because they have kids and offer to help out.  They may or may not accept, but I doubt it'll be much more work for you to come 30 minutes early and assist them in whatever way seems most useful.  In turn some of the couples will start doing the same thing - but instead of accepting to come before the event, ask them to stay later and help clean up. Enjoy a little one-on-one time with whichever couples accept your invitation or ask to help you. When they do help, ask them for suggestions as to how better to child-proof your house. You might be surprised at how little you actually have to do to prevent most types of damage and accidents.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, the invitation isn't hard and doesn't need to be carefully crafted to avoid offense.  Its your actions over the long term that will or won't cause offense.  Holding such events sparingly, and developing a rapport with them in offering and accepting service should alleviate most friction associated with hosting child-less events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T19:14:36.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8615" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8634" CreationDate="2018-01-01T19:29:55.740" Score="13" ViewCount="995" Body="&lt;p&gt;Especially with new coworkers I feel arrested for words as greetings and chitchat begin. Like I lack an entire chapter of some phrasebook that everyone else seems to have internalized. Monday mornings are really hard for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A recent example, meeting a friend at a bar:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: &amp;quot;Hey, what's happenin'?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;Not much, just wanted to get out of the apartment.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: &amp;quot;I see, stretchin' your legs.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also me: Wow. &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;Stretchin' your legs!&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; Where did he get that from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only have the most banal, boring replies, more or less ending conversations (&lt;em&gt;e.g.&lt;/em&gt; &amp;quot;I see.&amp;quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So okay, I know there's no substitute for having actual conversations. But I've tried forcing myself to go to meetup.com events for this purpose, and burned out after a few months. Having so many conversations at such shallow depth (since everyone's new, not judging who they are) is exhausting. And online dating?—poor, poor simulators of the &amp;quot;new coworker&amp;quot; scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't actually think I'm that socially anxious. I like being around people, usually feel confident, and talk comfortably in front of groups that I host. So it really feels like I'm just missing phrases. How can I expand my conversational, &amp;quot;small-talk&amp;quot; vocabulary?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My only idea at this point is to binge on sitcoms on Netflix. I grew up without TV, so maybe I'm just missing television time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5648" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-04-04T07:40:41.287" Title="How do I improve the quality and smoothness of my reactions in social interactions, without having actual conversations?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2019-04-08T08:15:52.517" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8437" CreationDate="2018-01-01T19:49:54.877" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been wrapping my mind around this question for some time now. What makes it so complex for me is that you, Chammpi have given so little context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I tell him that I don't like oral sex anymore without hurting his feelings... and I fear that he will go for other women if I reject oral sex&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO, it all boils down to two questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(1) how realistic is this expectation (that he will seek a new oral-sex-provider) ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and closely related...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(2) if he did - what effects would that have on you?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) As long as your husband doesn't know that you dislike giving oral sex to him, he has no cue to change or seek resolution together with you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my personal definition, a &quot;good husband&quot; would be at least concerned if he knew that his wife does something she strongly dislikes; he would then try to find a good solution for both of them, plus he would encourage more openness in all aspects to forming the relationship in a way it fits to the needs of both partners. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am well aware though that there are different definitions of a &quot;good husband&quot;, specially in contexts with high social pressure being put on young people to succeed as wife / husband, and the absence of options to design the relationship or get divorced. This is especially true if someone else chose that person for you and arranged that marriage with you having little or no say in this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) As others have noted, if oral sex &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; an essential part of your relationship, and your husband is likely to ignore your needs, and you are really dependent on this marriage, then there is a different perspective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, I would like to motivate you to reduce your dependency on this marriage. I frankly do not know if and to what extent this is possible for you, I certainly wish it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you would choose that path, &quot;optimizing&quot; the act itself (making it less troubling for you) might be the way to go, until you are in the position to stop doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In strategic marital counselling there are strategies applied to influence the partner's behaviour by changing own behaviour, if the partner does not come to the counselling sessions, talking about it is not an option (yet), and the issue is putting damage on one partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These strategies do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; involve talking about it, but altering the underlying structure of the interaction in ways that make it less desirable -  &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/8499/9437&quot;&gt;see example&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The information given in the question is too vague though to suggest a specific strategy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="9437" LastEditDate="2018-01-01T19:57:23.550" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T19:57:23.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8501" CreationDate="2018-01-01T20:13:14.603" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It looks like your SO doesn't value the time you spend here as socially constructive. I'd concentrate in finding out &lt;strong&gt;exactly why&lt;/strong&gt;: is your SO genuinely worried for you, for instance they see you spending too much time alone? Or it's just a generic preconception about the social use of Internet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd push the conversation to the point of them &lt;strong&gt;explicitly&lt;/strong&gt; defining what do they find wrong about your use of SE. Having this discussion can help both of you understanding each other's reasons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following line of action highly depends on the answer that you get and it has been coves by other answers: it can very well be a problem of boundaries (&quot;I don't need to explain why this is important to me, just respect it&quot;), but it can also be that your SO feels cut out of this activity important to you, they can be worried for you, or jealous, or whatever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, I think that the most important concept to convey is that this is important for you and your &lt;strong&gt;feelings&lt;/strong&gt; are involved. You have the right to ask them in a direct manner to be gentle with it : even if they mean well, they are hurting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-01-01T20:13:14.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3933" CreationDate="2018-01-02T02:46:11.800" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As per all my answers here, this is based on what &lt;em&gt;I'd&lt;/em&gt; do. That may or may not be useful to actual humans with social skills :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is one situation where it's actually &lt;em&gt;useful&lt;/em&gt; to be diabetic. You can just claim that, for medical reasons, you need to eat at a specific time or risk going into a hypoglycemic coma and dying :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For one-on-ones, the whole &lt;em&gt;point&lt;/em&gt; of the meal is to share it with the other person, so I'd wait as long as necessary, perhaps ordering bread or small entrees to keep yourself going. Then, when they arrive, make it clear you just needed some snacky stuff and then get into ordering the real meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a larger group, the point is to share time with not the entire group, since that's difficult enough even if they're all present. Rather, it's to share time with various people or sub-groups &lt;em&gt;within&lt;/em&gt; the group, as needed or desired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd tend wait a &lt;em&gt;while&lt;/em&gt; for everyone to arrive (say about 15 minutes tops) and then order. I don't consider the cutoff time to be rude since:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;someone almost certainly set a specific time for the get-together, which was known by everyone;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the people actually running late are being rude (if intentional);&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;or they should not mind if you order (if not intentional).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, there's no requirement that you go your meal like a starved pack animal, you can adjust your eating speed so that hopefully you won't be finished before they arrive. Even if everyone started &lt;em&gt;together&lt;/em&gt;, there would be situations where some would finish first (a friend of mine almost choked on a chicken bone when young and therefore eats notoriously slow, so we were often waiting around for him to finish).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, after your small wait and slower eating speed, they &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; arrive late, maybe next time they'll plan better :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T02:46:11.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8621" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="623" CreationDate="2018-01-02T03:02:42.080" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As per all my answers here, this is based on what &lt;em&gt;I'd&lt;/em&gt; do. That may or may not be useful to actual humans with social skills :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of a conversation like a friendly tennis match but without all the sweat, unless you're so horribly introverted you get the shakes just thinking about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is still to win but winning in this case is allowing your opponent to hit the ball &lt;em&gt;back&lt;/em&gt; rather than not hit it at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So ... nothing like a tennis match at all, really :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That means everything you say should ideally both convey something and invite something. The conveyance doesn't have to be earth-shattering, the first thing that popped into my head with &lt;code&gt;&quot;What's up?&quot;&lt;/code&gt; was &lt;code&gt;&quot;The cost of everything I need to buy, apparently&quot;&lt;/code&gt; (I consider myself a bit of a humorist though my wife and kids would beg to differ) &lt;sup&gt;(a)&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, that on its own (though incredibly witty) does nothing to help out the other party in &lt;em&gt;keeping&lt;/em&gt; the &lt;del&gt;tennis ball&lt;/del&gt; conversation aloft. So you should probably append a question of some description to help out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;First party: What's up?&#xA;Witty Pax:   The cost of everything I need to buy, apparently. How 'bout you?&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(a)&lt;/sup&gt; In fact, &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; response that suborns the normal meaning of the question could be used:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the sun this morning;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's a word meaning &quot;the opposite of down&quot;;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;only about 17% of the quarks (if your partner is intellectually inclined);&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how well your partner maps to my family, this will be met with a smile or a blank look.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T03:02:42.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8622" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6982" CreationDate="2018-01-02T03:29:04.633" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As per all my answers here, this is based on what I do or would do. That may or may not be useful to actual humans with social skills :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lay down the ground rules up front. I've had exactly this problem recently with my two kids but we have a policy of actually discussing stuff at evening meal and sorting out any issues. So my wife and I explained that it was not healthy to spend too much time on devices without other activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If children understand the rules (and reasons) up front, they'll be more amenable to following them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our particular case, we used the classic carrot-and-stick approach. We made them totally responsible for monitoring their time without argument from us, but we also offered suggestions such as running timers so they'd know as their time was drawing near. This is the carrot, us not nagging them mid-game to get off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the stick is just as important. They are well aware of the 10-for-1 rule if they &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; follow the rules. We give them four hours a day during holidays and two hours a day during school periods (while school is on, including the weekends). They are aware that we independently track the time spent and, if they go over, it costs them ten minutes of their next day for every minute of excess. So going over by 15 minutes today will reduce tomorrow by two and a half hours. If they're zero or negative at the start of the day, they get &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt;, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's fine for the devices I can easily monitor (PC and Macs), things like the XBox and iPad, they have to set a start time in advance and notify us when finished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That seems to be working out well so far, though I suspect my daughter will soon be smart enough to at least threaten my data collection activities :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T03:29:04.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2018-01-02T03:48:01.973" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've already accepted an answer but I'll chime in anyway.  You are simply not compatible as a couple.  I say end it now before you go any deeper down the relationship path.  What you consume is absolutely nobody's business but your own.  If someone has to micro-manage what you eat, then unless you're into that... they are not appropriate for you (or you are not appropriate for them, take your pick).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this as someone who has never eaten meat in my entire life (well, possibly when I was 2... but I can't prove it and I'm in my mid 40s now).  No reasons other than I don't want it, it holds no appeal, it is not &quot;food&quot; to me and never has been.  My partner eats meat whenever she feels like it, though almost exclusively chicken.  I don't mind what she eats, she doesn't mind what I eat (or don't eat).  I say that's how it should be (again, unless that kind of discord and strife is just your thing, which it is for some people...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't expect this to get better.  Expect it to get worse especially if you intend to cohabit.  If she needs to control what you eat, it won't stop there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will probably prove to be an unpopular opinion but I say quit while you're ahead.  Find someone who doesn't insist on changing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3271" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T03:48:01.973" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2018-01-02T03:52:26.123" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I tell people &quot;I don't want to have children&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should mention that, of all those &quot;questions&quot; following that statement, only &quot;why not?&quot; is an actual question regarding follow-up. The other could easily be shut down with a simply &quot;Possibly. On a (related/different) note, how about (some other topic)?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, don't actually &lt;em&gt;tell&lt;/em&gt; people that. It's just &lt;em&gt;begging&lt;/em&gt; for a questioning response since you have quite obviously transmitted the information that there's an actual &lt;em&gt;reason&lt;/em&gt; why you don't want kids, but without &lt;em&gt;giving&lt;/em&gt; the reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The number of people who should know about the views on children held by you and your girlfriend are &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell people that my girlfriend and I don't want, and never will want children of our own without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt;, for similar reasons. In any case, there's a massive flaw in your statement: while you may &lt;em&gt;currently&lt;/em&gt; not want kids, you may well change your mind in future (note I said &quot;may&quot;, not &quot;will&quot; as many of your friends apparently do). I myself didn't want kids when I was younger but, guess what? People change. You may or may not, but it's silly to totally discount the &lt;em&gt;possibility.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are plenty of ways in which you can reduce the prospect of a follow-up question regarding discussion on children, such as (humour is often a good way to disarm responses):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We haven't planned anything yet but we'll make sure you're the first to know. Well, third, anyway.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Having our own kids will reduce our capacity to spend money on yours. Is that &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; what you want?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We're planning right now ... we're planning to try a dog first and, if that survives, we'll consider going to the next level.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, these can all be followed by &quot;changing the subject&quot; sentences that shut down that line of discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T03:52:26.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8626" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="623" CreationDate="2018-01-02T04:53:34.730" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I know and trust them, I usually just  nod and smile and patiently wait for them to either be more specific, or tell me something interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I don't know or don't trust them for some reason, I just nod and smile and keep going, preferably in a direction that creates more physical distance between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually when people say &quot;What's up?&quot; They are just seeking a little bit of warm, friendly attention or light conversation. Rather than immediately taking the reins, I prefer to first give them the chance to speak whatever may be on their minds. That way, I get a sense of their motivation. Then my response feels more natural and appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there are rare occasions when the person is someone I've been meaning to speak to anyway. In which case, their greeting offers me an opening to tell them whatever is on &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9307" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T04:53:34.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8427" CreationDate="2018-01-02T05:45:40.000" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is what &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would do. A real human with social skills may well do something different :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have made it clear in the past that your friend's behaviour is something you're not comfortable with so it appears they are ignoring your wishes. You then just have to decide the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Which is more important, your wishes or your friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the latter, suck it up and let them pay. I'd make it clear that you would prefer a more equitable arrangement but that you're tired of arguing about it. Maybe at some point they'll realise how much money it's costing and back off (you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; record every meal and just deliver the running tally at the start of the next one, that may get their attention after a few dozen meals).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the former, make it very clear &lt;em&gt;one last time&lt;/em&gt; that this makes you uncomfortable and that a friend would not be putting you in this position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then deliver an ultimatum (tactfully, of course): either they allows you to pay your fair share of the costs, or you stop having meals with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest (and this may well be contentious), this seems to me little different to a man continuously &quot;hitting on&quot; a woman who just wants to be friends, and has made that clear. A smart woman wouldn't stand for that, nor should you (male &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; female) stand for someone disregarding your clearly expressed wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastEditorDisplayName="user10819" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T01:46:35.740" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T01:46:35.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8422" CreationDate="2018-01-02T05:57:25.710" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've actually &lt;em&gt;done&lt;/em&gt; this at a friend's house (with their permission). They had complained about the excessive TV watching by their kids when friends were visiting, so I dummied up a power cable with the actual wires cut in the middle. About half an hour before arrival, the cables were switched.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'd be surprised how little TV watching goes on when there's no way for the electrons to get to the TV. Just keep in mind that, if you pull this trick &lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt; often, even the dumbest people will begin to suspect something :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T05:57:25.710" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8629" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8638" CreationDate="2018-01-02T06:05:24.440" Score="41" ViewCount="19136" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a private tutor, and I'm tutoring students individually in mathematics &amp;amp; statistics at their place of residence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From time to time, I feel tempted to drop students for various reasons, notably, either because the student lacks self motivation despite my repeated urging, or because his parents are difficult to get along with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such situations, I feel it difficult to tell a parent I wish to stop tutoring their son without sounding disrespectful or discourteous. How best should I break the news in these situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10825" LastEditorUserId="244" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T09:18:18.357" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T17:51:43.410" Title="How best to tell a parent I wish to stop tutoring her son?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8630" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8629" CreationDate="2018-01-02T06:32:44.683" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These are &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; thoughts. Actual humans with social skills may think differently :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would hope that you feel enough of a professional responsibility to tell your clients the truth, or at least close enough to the truth as to be viable :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; actually tutored people in the past, though more in the realm of late teens and young adults. And, on those occasions where it became necessary to &quot;drop&quot; students, I did not lie to the responsible parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your first scenario, I've always made it clear to clients that my objective was to provide the best education based on my &lt;em&gt;own limited resources&lt;/em&gt; and that, given a choice between spending &lt;code&gt;n&lt;/code&gt; hours shared amongst two students who commit, and that same number of hours with a single student who seems unable to commit, I have to opt for the former.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the latter case, I would also make it clear that parents who are easier to deal with must also get preferential treatment in the case where my time has to be scaled back. Of course, it's also professional to &lt;em&gt;detail&lt;/em&gt; their behaviour and give them a chance to correct it before making any final decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I understand that, for humans with actual social skills, that may be harder to do. In that case, I would simply opt for the &quot;I need to scale back my tutoring hours due to other commitments and, unfortunately, your child was one of those randomly selected&quot; white lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, for the sake of professionalism, don't cut them off cold turkey, you need to give them time to arrange another tutor/solution, no different from handing in a few weeks notice on &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T06:32:44.683" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="458" CreationDate="2018-01-02T06:51:57.083" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who is somewhat known for not speaking unless I have something valuable to add to the conversation, I can tell you that after a while people notice and listen much more carefully to what I have to say compared to some of my equally smart friends who do the opposite (give their input on what they think about every topic).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, there is &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt; wrong with giving tons of input. It helps the flow of the conversation and certainly does not mean the person is dumb or never has anything valuable to add. But I have found that after people realise this trend, they will pay less attention to said person's suggestions. Whereas on the other hand, once they notice how I very rarely offer solutions, and those I do offer I am absolutely sure it will be useful, they treat my answers with a lot more respect than my friends. Think of it like statistics, if 20% of what you say is a good old joke then a friend hearing your valuable solution may not take it seriously. Then you can either try to lower the percentage or at least rest assured that your friends don't think you are dumb or have no valuable input, but rather they have just spotted this trend in your response and are not clue-y enough to realise that this time your idea was a valuable one.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which leads me to part 2 of my answer. Make sure that when you are confident in a solution, you clearly portray yourself as being confident about it with a distinct difference to when you were not so confident. If you can successfully make it so that your friends can easily tell when you are sure about a particular solution is generally a good IPS way to make people more confident in you, but it also serves as a good way to combat a trend of saying things you were not confident in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if this doesn't really apply to you, and you are not a chatty person like my friends. I would still say that exaggerating some of these points will help persuade people that what you are saying is useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T06:51:57.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8629" CreationDate="2018-01-02T09:41:40.163" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;As tempting as it may be, you should probably avoid naming the actual reason you want to stop. For instance if the reason you want to stop is because the parents are annoying you or are difficult to deal with, same with issues with their kids. You can't bank on parents being receptive about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you also shouldn't make up excuses to get around having that conversation. The problem with telling them why exactly is that some parents (especially the ones whom you consider dropping for those reasons) aren't really ready to hear criticism, and what you'd be giving as reasoning would be just that - a lot of criticism. It's best to reveal little but also appear professional in the process, something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll no longer be available to tutor your {son/daughter} after {date}. Please find a new tutor by then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this might be taken as discourteous, and the parents might inquire about why that is. This is the part where you need to judge if you want to take the risk (it is one) of telling them the true reason. Otherwise you can simply insist on not telling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T09:41:40.163" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8615" CreationDate="2018-01-02T11:17:12.290" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel you, I was in the same boat until recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of things that helped me were:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Joining a discord server with a common interest/topic, good place to practice where you can duck out regularly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listening to podcasts, this gave me a few ideas on what to say and a nice reference for what a normal conversation is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm normally quite anti-social, but after getting into both of these by accident recently I found I wanted to socialize more. The problem fixed itself from there as more socializing led to finding it easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastEditorUserId="9259" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T13:48:04.617" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T13:48:04.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8635" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8636" CreationDate="2018-01-02T11:19:34.370" Score="82" ViewCount="29686" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although I am not to marry soon, I will do so one day (reasons irrelevant for the question). The tradition among my friends is to organise &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bachelor_party&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;stag/bachelor parties&lt;/a&gt; for soon-to-be married grooms. However, personally I do not agree with the dominant &quot;macho&quot; culture of such parties in my country (focusing primarily in drunkenness and sexual behaviour).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I will let my friends know that I do not want such a party, the tradition is so strong that it is very likely I will be forced to one (perhaps through some form of misleading invitation to e.g. a football match).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Surely attending my own stag party is not the end of the world, but I would like to be consistent with myself and truly avoid it. I am interested in successful examples that you or an acquaintance of you might have used to skip the stag (or hen) party. Being such an ubiquitous thing in the &quot;west&quot;, there must be some proven technique for this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: as requested, the context is Latin America.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS2: I've got several interesting answers, albeit all focusing on &quot;managing&quot; the party, rather than not having one. These are indeed very helpful answers! Out of curiosity, however, I am still interested in experiences of avoiding such party altogether. I may be getting the impression that doing so is never desired. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3135" LastEditorUserId="3135" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T11:40:29.613" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T05:39:38.500" Title="How to miss my own stag/bachelor party?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-02T11:23:43.353" Score="149" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suggestion would be to organize your own stag party, this way you get to control what happens and (more importantly) avoid whatever it is you don't want to do or don't agree with about stag parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A quiet meal might satisfy your friends with a little &quot;send-off&quot; whilst doing what you want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen a groomsman or two do this before, seemed to work out well for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T11:23:43.353" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-02T11:24:12.157" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I assume by &quot;stag&quot; party that you're in the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, stag parties are organised by your best man who should ideally discuss any high-level plans with you (i.e. what activity you want to do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discuss things with your best man and negotiate something that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; want to do that also will appeal to the male side of the wedding guests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is how things normally happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, this depends on your choice of best man and it probably makes sense to discuss the general scope of your stag event as part of the whole &quot;I'd like you to be my best man&quot; conversation.  If he's not willing to tone down the stag event, then choose a different best man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T11:30:58.433" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T11:30:58.433" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8638" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8629" CreationDate="2018-01-02T12:57:40.760" Score="63" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Calmly inform&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, your child and I are not making as much progress as I hoped.  As such, I no longer find it constructive to continue the tutoring sessions.  If you like, I can continue through [explicit date].  Or stop sooner if you prefer.  If you would like to find another tutor, consider [resource for finding tutors].  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This avoids putting the blame on the child explicitly.  So if the parent chooses to believe the problem is you while you believe the problem is with the child or parent, your conflicting beliefs never clash.  For the same reason, this avoids giving feedback.  If feedback is useful, you should have already given it while you still hoped to salvage the relationship.  At this point, you should be looking to sever the relationship as smoothly as possible.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It puts the control in their hands over the exact termination of the relationship.  With notice or immediately is their decision.  But it puts clear limits on their options, so you aren't stuck having the same conversation again in a week or two.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The suggestion that another tutor might do better is face saving for them.  Even if untrue, it leaves them their dignity.  And if they get the same problem with future tutors, then perhaps they will eventually adjust.  Or give up on the idea of tutoring.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Immediate feedback&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to suggest breaking off the relationship when the parent is being difficult.  E.g. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I can't do that.  If that's what you want, perhaps you should engage a different tutor.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The exact wording should be dependent on the situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That may be discourteous, but the context would have them being discourteous to you at the time.  In those circumstances, there is no need for feedback, as it is obvious what the problem is.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Unmotivated student&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you get to the point of ending the tutoring relationship, you should give feedback about unmotivated students.  Appeal to the parents to see if they have suggestions to engage the student further.  Presumably they know their child better than you do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you always give immediate feedback, then there isn't a festering concern on the relationship.  So if you get to the point of terminating, there should be no need for more feedback.  You've already said everything that was necessary.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T12:57:40.760" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-02T12:59:19.363" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, it is a party &lt;em&gt;for you&lt;/em&gt;. You get to call the shots. My husband is introverted and literally just declared he wasn't going to have one and that was that. I had a kitchen tea with lady friends and didn't have a bachelorette party. So you have every right to say what happens and when.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So tell your friends, whoever are the most likely people to organise your party, what you want to do and what you don't. If you don't want one, or you want to do something else, you can tell them. Maybe they have something in mind that you're ok with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friends should respect you well enough to listen to your wishes. If they know you and what you're like, they should not force the issue. If you tell them you don't want one and they &quot;trick&quot; you into it, then you don't feel bad about not participating or leaving. They are welcome to enjoy their party on their own. If you set boundaries and they don't respect them, you have every right to walk away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband and I are both introverted and we have learned to be really strict with boundaries just because outgoing people just don't understand our personalities. It's really important to set boundaries on what you are comfortable with and not comfortable. Talking to your friends sets expectations all around for what can and can't happen, and that simplifies things for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T13:09:49.587" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T13:09:49.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-02T13:35:19.040" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Right&lt;/strong&gt; after publicly stating that you are going to get married, gather your own close friends (and/or whoever you think might arrange the (possibly surprise-) bachelor party for you) for a pizza or anyway a dinner out.&#xA;While inviting them, tell them the dinner/pizza is being called because you need to talk to them.&#xA;This, alone, is already enough to catch their attention on a (mildly) superior level: the &quot;we need to talk&quot; line normally raises some questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you are at the table and you have their &quot;heightened&quot; attention/curiosity, go straight to the point and kindly but firmly state that you are &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; going to arrange and you are &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; going to participate in any bachelor party, you don't want to, for this reason and that reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This communication will be received with that &quot;heightened&quot; attention that will cause them to think &quot;hey, this guy bothered to summon us all and arrange a dinner to tell us this, it must be very important to him&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are good friends or anyway care for you, they will comply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, should they arrange something regardless, you would be entitled to &lt;strong&gt;get up and go away&lt;/strong&gt; abandoning them there.&#xA;Should they accuse you of being rude, well, please notice that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you did warn them you didn't want that kind of party;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you made clear it was very important to you and you weren't joking&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;nevertheless they were arrogant enough to go straight on and ignore your will&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; party, therefore &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; will should be the only one to count.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T13:40:31.803" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T13:40:31.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8641" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-02T14:06:37.960" Score="83" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You decide on a stag party: pick something that can't be corrupted.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was very happy to have a stag party when I got married. However, like you, I wanted to avoid the traditional &quot;masculine&quot; themes of football, strippers and low-level ritual abuse of the groom. I trusted &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; of my friends to agree with this, but not &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead I decided to so do something that felt masculine to me, but that wasn't open to any kind of misinterpretation. I opted for a weekend of camping and hill walking in the Welsh mountains, miles away from the nearest strip joint. I involved the best man in planning this - indeed he did most of it - but I made it clear this was what I wanted, and there was no negotiation. If you didn't like it, you didn't come. I also told him there were certain people we knew who would not get an invite and I was happy with any potential fallout that might result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We got drunk each night, ate out in local pubs and in the day, climbed the best scenery Wales has to offer. The friends I didn't &lt;em&gt;quite&lt;/em&gt; trust hated the first half-day, but in the end confided in me they thought it was way more fun that a weekend slumming in a red light district.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hiking isn't for everyone, but I tell the story to make a point. You are in control here, and there is no doubt &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; you can do which appeals to you and which reduces or nullifies the risk of &quot;monkey business&quot;. Set your red lines, tell your best man, and take it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4801" LastEditorUserId="4801" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T14:31:39.750" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T14:31:39.750" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8642" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8646" CreationDate="2018-01-02T14:33:38.083" Score="-1" ViewCount="1306" Body="&lt;p&gt;So...this is my situation.. There is a guy who started working at my office a few months ago. His desk was moved into the room I sit in and next to my desk. We started talking a little bit and I started liking him more and more. One day he gave me his phone number and he was occasionally texting me outside of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before Christmas I found out from a 3rd party at the office that this guy likes me and is interested in me and after the office Christmas party he started talking to me more and complementing me about my dress, asking me personal questions, etc. We talked for a few hours and went out to lunch together. When we left for Christmas vacation he suggested getting together if I don't have anything to do during the holiday. Since I live alone and don't have family around here I said sure. I texted him and said I might take him up on the offer and he seemed interested but when I told him when I was available I haven't heard a single word back the entire holiday. Since we came back to the office after Christmas he's gone quiet and hardly talked to me anymore or text me again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same thing happened on New Years, my friend convinced me that maybe he's shy and I should ask him out. I offered to get together for coffee and he replied immediately that he would like that but when I texted him that I was free on New Years day he stopped all communication again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I see him at the office and he basically doesn't say anything to me unless I approach him (I can still feel him checking me out when I walk by) and I'm feeling awkward and uncomfortable with all the mixed signals especially since he sits right next to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;My question is how should I handle this situation without confronting him about not responding? should I just ignore it too and go on with the assumption that he's unsure of what he wants?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastEditorUserId="8159" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T15:27:09.737" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T15:27:09.737" Title="How should I handle awkward workplace situation?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="12" ClosedDate="2018-01-02T15:20:54.953" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2018-01-02T14:35:13.367" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personal Context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a vegan, I dated a girl for a few years who didn't share my diet, it was a non-issue. She had her food, I had mine. She didn't go for my frequently tofu based cooking much, and obviously I didn't share her meals either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I was totally happy to put stuff on the grill for her that wasn't vegan, I'd put cows milk in her tea the way she liked it, and she was happy enough to eat most of my more conventional cooking (pasta, veggies, stuff like that)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing that made it a non-issue was that &lt;strong&gt;we respected each other's choices&lt;/strong&gt;. We accepted that neither of us was likely to convert to the other's way of thinking and we made the conscious decision to not argue or fight over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respect is the foundation of a healthy relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, the only person who can make you convert to vegetarianism is yourself. If she makes a convincing argument.. why are you fighting it? Just to play devil's advocate.&#xA;Don't stick to your guns and go down fighting out of stubborness, but don't cave to her will either. &#xA;Examine the idea, honestly, openly and come to a decision, if she doesn't respect that decision then perhaps you should examine your relationship with the same honest and open mindset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T14:35:13.367" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8642" CreationDate="2018-01-02T14:42:01.080" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My question is how should I handle this situation without confronting&#xA;  him about not responding?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advise to you is to ignore this, &lt;strong&gt;and proceed with a purely professional relationship&lt;/strong&gt;.  If his behavior changes again towards being interested in a relationship with you, I would respond with &quot;&lt;em&gt;Let's just keep things professional.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;should I just ignore it too and go on with the assumption that he's&#xA;  unsure of what he wants and I shouldn't get involved with a coworker&#xA;  anyway?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would urge you to avoid work place romances for many reasons -- I will give you two.  First, most companies &lt;strong&gt;prohibit&lt;/strong&gt; work place romantic relationships.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second and more important is if you do try to have a relationship and it doesn't work out, &lt;em&gt;you now have to sit by an ex boyfriend for who knows how long&lt;/em&gt;.  Even if you manage to move desks, you will still bump in to him from time to time.  It could be quite uncomfortable for you &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt;....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion to you is his inaction may have been a blessing in disguise.  &lt;strong&gt;Skip the workplace romance/dating&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T14:47:20.397" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T14:47:20.397" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8645" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-02T14:49:05.000" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Communicate with the Best Man, when the time comes. Details about the party are generally organized by the Best Man, and you can make your wishes known.  EDIT: OP apparently has stated that &quot;best man&quot; is not a universal concept where he is from. In that case, I'd suggest taking the bull by the horns and communicating to your circle of friends and male relatives that you want to organize a big &quot;stag&quot; event, and skip to my third bullet point, by organizing the activity yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You get to pick the Best Man. Hopefully the person you pick will be close enough to you and respect you enough that if you have strong opinions about activities, he will not disregard that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear you don't want to be &quot;surprised&quot; with something more bawdy than what you stated you were comfortable with, and that if he goes against your wishes you will simply leave the party.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps a good way to assert some control is to suggest and help to plan a group activity that would be a &quot;guy&quot; thing, but that requires some advanced    planning and financial commitment up front.  This makes it very difficult to divert the activity to something else. If you are in Europe, perhaps tickets to a top-level football/soccer match or rugby game.  If you're located in a smaller community that doesn't have an &quot;A&quot; or premiere level team, then make it a road trip. That makes it a pretty special, big deal on par with having excessive booze and semi-naked ladies. If sports isn't your thing, there are a lot of alternatives - group fishing charter, paintball outing, zip-lining in a rain forest, a trip to a respectable casino, etc. If you're in the USA, an NFL, Major League Baseball, NHL or NBA game will do, traveling is better than not.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastEditorUserId="6146" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T14:57:21.620" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T14:57:21.620" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8642" CreationDate="2018-01-02T14:50:24.780" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;While he may or may not think that you are oblivious to &quot;him liking you&quot;, let's focus on what is factual which is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;him going silent&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you could introduce the topic with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [name], lemme ask you something [smile]: I've noticed you're waaay more silent lately, is everything OK? Maybe something I can help? Or something that you might wanna talk about and release a little bit? [voice tone as warm as you are capable of]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an attempt at setting him at ease and showing genuine interest, which should set him at further ease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Three possible outcomes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he will keep on saying nothing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he will raise points different than &quot;him liking you&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he will finally (at last) raise the point of &quot;him liking you&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If 1., well, you did helped him talk: if he didn't want, his choice; you did your best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If 3. there you go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If 2. you can make one last attempt with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, OK. You see, as per my experience (and maybe some rumours I received [but you could skip this &quot;rumours&quot; part]), I've honestly been thinking you might have something with me. [smile] I would really like you to feel free to talk to me about that if that's actually the point, there's really no harm or offence in talking about it [try to achieve voice tone even warmer than before]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's still reluctant, well, again, you did your best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T14:50:24.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8647" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8652" CreationDate="2018-01-02T14:52:11.417" Score="4" ViewCount="2467" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother and I had a serious fight over the holidays. I didn't spend New Year with her because some friends invited me and my partner to join them and they live a few hours away.&#xA;It was last minute and the truth is that my mother has her way of making me feel bad ahead of time if I can't do what she would like me to do or if I don't feel how she would like me to feel...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What ends up happening is instead of me saying, &quot;Mom, I really don't know what I am going to do on that day...&quot; or &quot;Mom, I'll let you know if and when...&quot;, I try to please her when I really wish she didn't make me feel I need to. I don't have a problem saying &quot;No&quot; to my mother. (I've done it in the past and still do). &#xA;I have a problem when she makes me feel guilty afterwards or makes me feel I did something wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did mention that we might spend New Year together but only because I felt pressured by her and told her that I really was doing it for her. Her understanding was that I was doing it for myself (she doesn't accept that sometimes people do stuff for others because they feel obligated even if they aren't in the mood) and then she accused me of contradicting myself which I probably was at some point but only because I didn't feel I had the right to just say &quot;I DON'T KNOW&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her that for me the holidays are just days. And she is the one that gives special meaning to those specific days. Long story short I ended up telling her that sometimes she's a bully (perhaps harsh but I was upset) and that if I can't feel that saying &quot;No&quot; to her is OK and this is how boundaries are set (first between parents and children), how does she expect me to be comfortable doing it with others? I told her that she just doesn't understand that she manipulates and blackmails me because she is alone. And she does it very very subtly. &#xA;(My mother lives alone and never remarried after her divorce and I'm an only child). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand it might be difficult for her but I just can't seem to be able to communicate to her that I can't always be expected to spend the holidays with her, especially when I see her often and talk to her on the phone almost every day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, at some point during the argument she told me that if she is such a bad mother, I should keep a distance and hung up. &#xA;I tried calling back but she has probably turned both phones off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point she also &quot;threatened&quot; to involve my boyfriend by telling him that we treated her &quot;like garbage&quot; during the holidays. We spent Christmas with her but we were both sick and didn't stay long (She perceives it now that we were trying to get rid of her by doing that early on so we do something better later). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I best communicate to my sensitive mother that I sometimes feel too pressured and suppressed by her without her freaking out so much? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T11:16:24.137" Title="How to effectively communicate to my mother that she sometimes suppresses me even if she doesn't realize it?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8642" CreationDate="2018-01-02T14:57:16.080" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm gonna strike a different tune here to the conventional wisdom. It looks like he's interested in you but is hesitant to pursue a relationship with someone from work, especially in a time and day where men have been sensitized and are encouraged to self-police and mind the effect they have on women at work so as to avoid the tropes of old responsible for creating hostile work environments. (Indeed, it is prudent to exercise caution to a fault in situations that coule be uncomfortable for others, and the line between going along because someone is uncomfortable / wants the interaction to end and genuine interest is neither clear nor the same for every person).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then again, it sounds like you like him too and would like to explore that angle. So I advise you to be direct about your intentions and ask him out. It's likely that he has genuine interest in you as he has shown previously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people here recommend to stay far away from workplace relationships, and there are good reasons for that, most notably the avoidance of awkward situations. I don't think that advice is universal however, and sometimes it's worth risking something in pursuit of your own happiness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth noting that this advice comes from my own cultural context, including biases in that direction I may have. I work in a medium sized company, and at least 10 couples that work here have met and married through work, as indeed in my country do many. It's also not legal to prohibit this here, so that plays a role as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T14:57:16.080" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8642" CreationDate="2018-01-02T15:14:10.120" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You know that stereotype about &quot;fear of relationships?&quot; If he's had a couple of occasions where he was deeply hurt by a relationship going south, he could be fighting a battle where he is very attracted to you, but when he contemplates the changes a relationship might bring, he's reluctant to make that step, especially if he has his own life routines that he's grown very comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if this is the case, take it as a compliment that he thinks enough about you that he doesn't just want to have some kind of fling and/or doesn't want to lead you on with implications of something he might not be able to back up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently did this to an ex-work colleague, who I was very attracted to when we worked, and there was a definite chemistry there, but I was recently divorced and not in a great position, financially, so I didn't pursue it, and she left that company. We had great chemistry and had what almost amounted to a couple of &quot;dates&quot; (ex. I installed a new computer and ported over files and software from her old one, at her apartment, and she made me dinner as a thank-you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to about 8 years later, we had a position open in the company I now work with that I thought she'd be a good fit for, and called her about it. We talked a lot, and agreed we should get together for lunch, etc, but I haven't followed up because I'm not sure about what follows, so now I also feel crappy for putting it out there, and then pulling back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might not, at all, be what's going on with your co-worker, but the kind of hot/cold messages seemed to fit my own conflicted situation about dating (hypothetically interested, of course, but then always think &quot;will this be worth all that relationship crap I hate?&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to deal with your situation? You've made your availability known, and he seems to have pulled back. So leave it as something more open - &quot;Hey, I know we said we should try to get together for something, but you haven't been able to meet up when I've suggested. I'd still like to, so why don't you let me know when a time works for you, instead? We'll leave the ball in your court for setting up the best time that works for you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, you won't have a ton of commitments that cause you to shut it down if he does take that step. In any case, the onus has to be put on him, I'd think, since you've tried to take that initiative unsuccessfully. If he decides to never follow through, at least you don't have to go through the emotional roller-coaster of putting yourself out there, repeatedly, and being passively rejected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T15:14:10.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8615" CreationDate="2018-01-02T15:41:34.777" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have the habit of reading news articles aloud.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Every day I open both a local and a national website with news articles, pick 10-15 ones that seem interesting and read them aloud, slowly. Takes about 30 minutes. I live alone so it doesn't really bother anyone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It helps with the issue that you mention and (very gradually) improves your vocabulary. Plus it's not a time waste, as you are still getting informed and learning new things in the process. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10839" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T15:41:34.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8647" CreationDate="2018-01-02T16:16:59.873" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are talking about EXACTLY my mother. Indian parents are known to be overly attached to their children. It is almost always innocent motherly love. But my mother takes every single opportunity she has to make me feel bad. To doubt my love and respect for her. To make me feel guilty about me being too attached to my wife's parents (even though I am not, really. They are just closer to us, geographically, than my parents are). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what I've learned from my mother:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There is NO good way to tell your mother she is pressuring you without her freaking out.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are going to have to bite the bullet and get it over with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Storytime:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This story might just be paraphrasing the problems described in your question, but I think you need to have this background of my mother to understand where I am coming from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My mother stitched some clothes for my 1 year old girl and sent them over. Beautiful Indian dresses. I put them on her and took photos and sent it to her, but it is too grand, too exquisite to just put on her to go to grocery store or other every day activity. So I don't put that on her very often. My mother is still asking me to put that on her and send photos to her because she thinks &quot;I sold it/gave it away&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My wife is American but LOVES Indian dresses. My mother wanted to send some clothes for her and asked me to send her some measurements so she can stitch some. I forgot about it a couple times and she said: &quot;Maybe your wife doesn't like wearing Indian clothes, I will stop bothering you about it&quot; in the most passive aggressive tone there is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We went to my wife's aunt's house for Christmas and was with my wife's family (a big family at that). So I couldn't call her that weekend (my family is in India and I am in the US). Her response: &quot;Its OK, I understand you have a new family there to please. Just keep us in mind also&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is extremely passive-aggressive and sensitive. I've tried reasoning with her, telling her that I still care for her and she is still my mother, nothing works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My resolution:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just had to be blunt with her. I sent her a couple of lengthy texts. Explaining how I am a grown adult with my own responsibilities and family and life to take care of. There were tears and more guilt. So that didn't really work very well either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just went with a totally different approach. COMPLETELY INSENSITIVE to her sly comments. When she says something passive-aggressive, I act innocent and act like I didn't get that at all. When she tries to make me feel guilty, I act like I don't realize she is saying something to make me feel guilty. When she fights with me, I just apologize and talk to her about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mom:&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah you have a new family to please there, just keep us in mind as well.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;   &lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah mom, I do. These guys are really nice to me. But don't worry, I always have you guys in my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mom:&lt;/strong&gt; Maybe your wife doesn't like wearing Indian clothes, I will stop bothering you about it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Nah, its not like that. I just forgot is all. I will send you her measurements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mom:&lt;/strong&gt; Send photos of your daughter with the clothes I stitched for her.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;   &lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah OK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mom:&lt;/strong&gt; You probably sold the clothes I sent you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;   &lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; No, I still have it (and then laugh like you think she was just joking).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the reason this works is, she says things like that because she wants me to feel bad about something, she wants to make me feel guilty about taking whatever decision I am taking. When she realizes that her ugly tactic isn't working, she stops. She gives up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some times, not all the time, just some times, she gives up her act and gets direct with me. I can totally answer her direct question to me rather than have to deal with her indirect insinuations. She goes from &quot;maybe you sold the dress&quot; to &quot;why do you never put that on her, I stitched that with so much love&quot;. And I can respond to that and make her feel happy and warm inside much easier for that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem at hand:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that we've gotten some of the conversational examples out of the way, lets deal with your problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I make her stop making me make my decisions based on her feelings towards it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your mother invites you over for new year's and you cannot/don't want to go, tell her no. But don't use the word &quot;NO&quot;. Make her see your side instead of just letting her know you won't/can't. Here are a few pointers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk about the topic at hand, don't outright dismiss it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Enthuse about the idea of doing something with her. Be excited. Show happiness that she wants you to be a part of something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;NEVER say &quot;Yeah I will be there&quot; or &quot;OK sure&quot;. Never directly tell her you're going to be there, but never tell her you're not going to be there either.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just end it with, &quot;yeah I will find out what my partner is doing and let you know in a few days if we can or not&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure you spend enough time on the first 2 points before jumping to the 4th. Make her feel like you actually want to, but just can't. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I always tell my wife to blame me when she wants to get out of something. I don't know what kind of dynamics you have with your partner, but that is also an option. Use him as a shield. Not like &quot;He doesn't want to&quot;, but like &quot;He has this other thing he wants to take me to&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your problem shouldn't be &quot;How do I tell my mom I don't know yet without hurting her&quot;, it should be &quot;How do I not hurt my mom&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps you smooth things out with your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T18:41:11.950" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T18:41:11.950" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8653" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8629" CreationDate="2018-01-02T16:53:21.807" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is more for the nonmotivated student than the personal conflict with parents problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is best for the truth or verisimilitude to be used.  One approach worth thinking about in addition to other strategies suggested, is to consider the tutoring from the client's point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you have to conduct the 'exit interview' let the parents realise that expending more funds is not going to result in their desired outcome, i.e. little Johnny getting at least a B+ in algebra.  They would prefer to know this and have some concept of why, so that they can plan appropriately (find a tutor better aligned with little Johnny's way of learning, become home-schooling parents, push little Johnny into shop or dramatic arts etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember the client is the reason for your business and you always want to do right by them - even if they are soon to be not your client.  Giving them accurate information should be part of your business approach imho.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3387" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T16:53:21.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8654" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8659" CreationDate="2018-01-02T17:00:13.710" Score="14" ViewCount="10300" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is my first question on this stack, so anything I can improve in this question, just comment on it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The story so far:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About two weeks ago I found a girl online that sparked my interest, and because of that I would like to date her, if we end up growing fonder of each other.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is my type but I'm insecure if I'm hers. We've been talking everyday about every topic that comes to mind, no holds barred. We play online games together with friends or just the two of us. We have different sleep schedules at the moment, and most of the time she insists that I have to be awake as long as she is, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today I followed a friend's advice and simply asked her if she wanted to have coffee, to which she replied, &quot;I'm too lazy to leave home&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing I want to find out, as I always sucked at reading love signals and I struggle a lot with insecurity, is how should I approach her with the objective of telling her that &quot;I want to have a girlfriend in the future; you are really interesting. Do you want to go out to know each other more?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10846" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T22:49:51.523" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T04:24:44.677" Title="How to tell a girl that I want to &quot;try&quot; date her" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8629" CreationDate="2018-01-02T17:36:26.517" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest a two-phased approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Phase 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk to the parents about your concerns that their child may not be getting the most out of the tutoring sessions.&lt;/strong&gt; Tell them you would like to partner with them to change that.  There may be something about the child or the child's home life or culture that you don't know about; your comments may mirror those of the child's classroom teachers and help the parents deal with reality; or you may just find out that the parents don't want to hear the truth and only want to pay the money to feel they've done all they can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the parents are open and willing, work with them to try again.  If not,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Phase 2&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After you've tried to work with the parents to help their child and it's not working, politely inform them that your work/school schedule has changed and you need to scale back on tutoring for the near future.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no need to say anything else, you've already said it in Phase 1.  You tried your best.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I applaud your concern for the student, and also for the fact that you clearly aren't in it just for the money.  It is possible that a different tutor may be more effective with this particular student, which is no reflection on you, but the parents' next steps are up to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10848" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T17:36:26.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8654" CreationDate="2018-01-02T17:50:50.797" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most dating is &quot;try dating&quot; in the beginning. When you're in the &quot;getting to know you&quot; phase of things it's normal not to have a huge level of commitment, you're just getting to know the person to see if things click.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, of course, means being vulnerable... You're putting yourself out there without any guarantee that things will turn out the way you would like. Unfortunately this is pretty much unavoidable. It's not as if guarantees made in the very early stages of dating can be called upon later if things don't go well, so you have to take the chance of getting hurt anytime you start a new relationship or get to know someone new.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing to ask yourself is &quot;Is it worth it?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is taking the risk of putting your self out there and not having your feelings reciprocated worth exploring a relationship with someone? Or is it worth getting to know someone, knowing that there's a chance that things won't work out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it really better &quot;to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all&quot;?&lt;/strong&gt; I tend to think it is, but that's a question that you have to find your own answer to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T17:50:50.797" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8654" CreationDate="2018-01-02T18:22:13.697" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I say what is the worse that can happen. Better ask then never find out is how I see it. We all been rejected before once or twice and survived it (that is likely the worse that could happen). Maybe she likes you but doesn't know what your intentions are?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just my personal perspective but I would say maybe talk more and get to know her and get a feel for her interest level and take it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you don't have a lot to lose if you try to find out where you stand, rather than developing feelings and dragging it out longer without knowing how she feels and getting even more hurt in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T13:50:28.633" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T13:50:28.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8654" CreationDate="2018-01-02T18:23:07.187" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to ease into dating is by setting up some activities that you will both enjoy in and of themselves, rather than activities that hinge on your enjoying each other's company. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most traditional &quot;dates&quot; (getting coffee, getting a meal together, etc.) are set up as opportunities to talk to each other. In your case, you may want to start one step back from that, though, since the two of you have never actually hung out in person and online interactions can be quite different from in-person ones. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look for &lt;strong&gt;activities or events that appeal to your shared interests --- things you think both you and she would probably like to go to whether or not you were going together&lt;/strong&gt;. For example, maybe going to a gaming tournament? Or seeing a movie* you know you're both interested in? Would she like doing a locked room puzzle with you and some friends, or playing paintball, or laser tag, or hiking? Check to see if an author you both like will be in town for a book signing, or if there's an exhibit at a local museum that would appeal to you, etc. You get the idea. No matter what, you should phrase the invitation as something that will happen with or without her, but you'd love her to join (e.g. &quot;Hey, some friends and I are going to go hear Neil Gaiman when he's in town next week. I know you love his books --- wanna come?&quot;). That makes it clear that you're not inviting her on an actual &quot;date&quot;, just looking to hang out doing something fun with people you enjoy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are the advantages of inviting her to a strongly activity-focused hangout rather than a conversation-focused one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is less clearly a &quot;date&quot;, which would take pressure off both of you. She might be more likely to accept an invitation to a non-date hangout; if she's not sure whether she's interested in you romantically or not, she may be leery of leading you on if she accepts an invitation to something that sounds like a date.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No matter what you're doing, if you do an activity for a couple hours with her, you'll get a chance to get to know her a little better and see if you want to keep moving toward the dating stuff. You don't need to spend two hours in private conversation to start to know someone. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even if the two of you don't really &quot;click&quot; in person, there's a good chance you'll still have fun if you're doing an activity you both genuinely enjoy. That might take some of the awkwardness out of deciding to go back to &quot;just friends&quot; afterward if one or both of you don't want to date.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good activity-focused hangout should have something for you both to &quot;do&quot; other than just talk, ideally it should have clear start and stop times, and it should be something you're both interested in for its own sake. Depending on the personalities of you and this girl, you may also want to make it an event with more people than just the two of you (invite her to something with your friends, or invite her to bring her friends along). Having more people there helps to clearly communicate that it's not a date, but it can backfire if she's the type of person who would be stressed/overwhelmed by meeting a bunch of people at once. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you successfully set up a time for you to hangout like this, great. See how things feel and if you want to keep getting to know her better, keep inviting her to these low-stakes hangouts. As you both feel comfortable doing so, you can add more &quot;private&quot; time before or after (e.g. &quot;Hey, there's a really neat-sounding exhibit at the museum right now. Wanna go? There's a cafe I like right by there, so we could stop and get lunch afterward, if you like.&quot; or &quot;Awesome Band is playing at cafe on Friday. Wanna meet up at your work and walk over there together?&quot;). In this way, you can slowly build up your in-person friendship. And eventually, if you both want to, you'll be able to make a smooth transition to more date-y dates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*While a movie might work, it also has some &quot;baggage&quot; as a date activity, and she might interpret an invitation to a movie as implying that you'll do some snuggling etc. in the dark, which she (or you) may or may not be up for yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T18:23:07.187" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-02T18:36:44.447" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you state that you will get married 'one day', start to think about it as something that won't happen for another two years. The general rule (at least in the US) is that you don't have to invite anyone to your wedding that you haven't spoken to in two years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives you two years to think about your friends and their values. With the start of the new year, now is a good time to tell your friends how you perceive these parties, and how you hope you never have to be the bachelor of one. Your true friends will respect you and your wishes - they may even feel the same way. If not, consider that this friendship might not fit with your personal values anymore, and if a great conflict exists, start cutting back on time with that person right now. Leave parties when they get to rowdy. Start a program (like fitness or learning) that requires early mornings. Work with your fiance to develop hobbies that don't involve heavy drinking and sketchy behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friendships tend to grow and change over time. If you start working on reshaping your friend group now to better reflect your values, you should find that by the time you actually have to face the bachelor party, you'll have a group of like-minded people who are interested in gentler parties. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9928" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T18:36:44.447" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8662" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-02T18:48:06.560" Score="2" ViewCount="273" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in an apartment building with about 150 small apartments, owned by various private landlords.&#xA;For these apartment buildings, there is often a house management company that is responsible for general work around the house, i.e. anything that is not directly related to a specific apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently contacted the house management company via email concerning a sewage problem in the bathroom. They politely replied that they &lt;em&gt;assumed&lt;/em&gt;  the actual problem would be more within the apartment, so it's not their responsibility. I should contact my landlord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though I disagreed, I decided to follow that suggestion. I now ask myself whether I should reply to their email once again - saying something like &quot;Thanks for your answer, I'll do so and return to you if necessary.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are certainly situations where another reply would be appropriate - e.g. if I had a similar conversation with a friend (via email). Also, you would never just leave wordlessly if it was face-to-face conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in the end, another answer would not contain any useful information - it's just politeness. And I wonder if a consultant in a company that might receive a considerable number of emails everyday would want to read such a &quot;useless politeness&quot; or might think &quot;why is he wasting my time... :-/&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I reply to an email when it's not actually necessary and the other person would not receive any new (or only trivial) information from me - just to be polite?&#xA;Does it make a difference if they refer to another contact or if they have solved my problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assume that the contact person is company staff that is not personally known and where one would expect they're reading and writing a lot of emails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If this is relevant due to culture: My location is Germany.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10850" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T19:10:53.140" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T19:18:09.073" Title="Reply to an email that does not necessarily need an answer" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-01-02T20:30:49.177" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8664" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8662" CreationDate="2018-01-02T19:12:14.040" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sounds good, thank you for the information!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should suffice and there is a high chance that they will respond with &quot;You're welcome&quot; or something to that effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Replying with &quot;I'll do so and return to you if necessary&quot; is redundant and makes it sound like you do not believe what they told you and they should expect additional unnecessary emails from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quite frankly, sending nothing is more polite than &quot;I'll do so and return to you if necessary&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T19:18:09.073" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T19:18:09.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8665" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8673" CreationDate="2018-01-02T20:50:58.500" Score="44" ViewCount="12994" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I get compliments like: &quot;good job on making that website&quot; or that I look nice or something. I often say that much more people look better or I could have done the site better, or even saying that I didn't do a good job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question: Is is socially acceptable to dismiss a compliment? Or is that considered as &quot;rude&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BTW, I put the autism tag there just because I am an autist&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7064" LastEditorUserId="7064" LastEditDate="2018-01-06T15:24:22.270" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T15:24:22.270" Title="Is it socially acceptable to dismiss a compliment?" Tags="&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2019-06-26T14:04:50.447" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8666" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-02T21:25:03.230" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was in college (I'm in the US), the bachelor parties amongst my group of friends generally avoided any sexual behavior; however, drunken behavior did get out of hand on multiple occasions (I can remember one party in particular where, after some drinking the participants decided to deposit the groom, duct-taped to a chair in his underwear (against his will, naturally), on his soon-to-be-wife's porch. He wound up with some bruised ribs at least, if not more serious injuries.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who's struggled with depression for his entire life, and with evidence of an &quot;addictive personality&quot;, I have always personally chosen to not drink alcoholic beverages. So, in my case, in addition to the fear of physical injury, I was also concerned that my friends might think it would be fun to get me drunk - something I very much wanted to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had one advantage - a pretty good idea of when such a party would happen (the night before the wedding - it's not necessarily a given, though it's pretty common).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I simply arranged to have other plans; plans that my friends would be unlikely to be able to get around. In my case, I arranged with my mom to spend the night at my parents' house, instead of where I was currently living. I didn't happen to mention that to anyone until right before my mom was to pick me up (too early for the party to be starting).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I guess my recommendation is to identify an incorruptible ally who can get you safely away from the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4111" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T21:25:03.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-02T21:34:39.307" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think in most situations, coming off as rude is going to depend a lot on your tone. I feel like one of the safest answers to nicely dismissing a compliment might be to preface it with 'thanks':&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Thanks, but I feel like I could've made the interface more user friendly.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Thanks, I feel like I could've done better.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Thanks, even though I feel like I look gross today.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying &amp;quot;thanks&amp;quot; first isn't necessarily agreeing with the compliment, but that you appreciate them trying to make the effort to appreciate your work/appearance/etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is important because the biggest risk you run when dismissing a compliment is not in your disagreement with the individual's opinion, but in making someone who is making an effort to try to compliment you feel &lt;em&gt;invalidated of an opinion&lt;/em&gt; by a response that might seem aggressive (immediately pointing out all the reasons why they're wrong).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying &amp;quot;thanks, but -&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;thanks, even though I feel -&amp;quot; helps iterate that you heard them and aren't (bluntly put) implying they are stupid for saying whatever they said (i.e. &lt;em&gt;What's your problem that you can't you see all these imperfections I'm pointing out to you?&lt;/em&gt;), before pointing out the reasons why you disagree with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, saying &amp;quot;thanks&amp;quot; is really saying &amp;quot;thanks for seeing the good things&amp;quot; before you point out the flaws to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T21:34:39.307" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-02T21:37:00.620" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;Rude would be arguing with the compliment.  An honest gracious response is, generally, not rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Humility is also important, which you seem to have a good deal of.  That's a good thing as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand your struggle with human interactions.  There's never a good rule of &quot;if this, then do that&quot; or if there is, there are a ton of exceptions to that rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing to do is simply say, &quot;Really?  Thanks!&quot; and leave it at that.  If there's a way to share credit, that goes a long way as well.  Something like (for the website), &quot;It wasn't just me; I worked with a team.  I'll pass that along.&quot;  If it's that you look nice, something like (if it's true), &quot;My SO helped me select that&quot; or &quot;the salesperson thought this would look good&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@RRauenza added an excellent point: deflection can also be a valid response.  For example, WRT the web page: &quot;Thanks!  I/The team worked really hard on it!&quot;  Or WRT clothing: &quot;Thanks!  I spent quite a while picking it out.&quot;  I'd only do this if true, and not with every compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't deny every compliment; that can seem like false humility.  Accept it, smile, say thank you, and move on.  Don't get too hung up on motivation - be happy that someone noticed whatever it is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T22:14:36.657" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T22:14:36.657" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-02T21:54:15.120" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is nothing wrong with saying thanks. If someone gives you a compliment and you are proud of what you did, you can just say thank you to them. If you put a lot of effort in the website or your appearance and you feel glad they noticed, you can definitely say thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you didn't feel like it was your best (maybe you see the flaws others don't), then you can say thanks but then say afterwards what makes you hesitate. &quot;Thanks, I wasn't sure about x,y,z&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real important thing is to be honest and genuine in your response. Don't pretend to be humble if you are proud of your work. If you're proud, say thank you! If you're hesitant, then say thanks but talk about why you're not sure about it. There is no need to reject the compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember too that how you portray yourself is really important in professional environments. If a client paid you to make a website and then complimented you on it, don't put yourself down! Have faith in your abilities and what you do. If you don't have confidence in your abilities, why would a potential client have confidence in you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T22:58:49.683" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T22:58:49.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8670" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8678" CreationDate="2018-01-02T22:07:58.197" Score="2" ViewCount="853" Body="&lt;p&gt;Wife and I raise our kid together. Most of time it works fine, but it's very hard to change those of her behavior that I find unacceptable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example - let's say she does the cooking. She's been liberal on eating time. Sometimes she'll have dinner ready at 5pm one day and 9pm another day. It's ok for me because I can eat myself, but I want her to have dinner ready at say 7pm every day for the kid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, every time I raise this issue to her, she'll get angry and refuses to cook the next day, saying that &quot;if you want that then you do it yourself&quot;. As the argument becomes worse, she'll simply lock herself in the room and leave the kid entirely to me for a whole day &quot;as a punishment&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best strategy to ask someone to improve their job while relying on them to do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8235" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T22:27:44.950" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T09:45:11.323" Title="If you rely on your partner to do something, how do you ask them to do it better?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2018-01-02T23:08:50.913" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like your secrecy is part of what drives your desire to be seen and recognized for your passion. Take it slowly, one step at a time along what other people have said about casually mentioning it, or putting one little train piece on your desk (if acceptable). Most people already have so much going on anyways that they might not have the mental or emotional energy to get more into your hobbies than that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you start asking people about their own hobbies to learn more about them, you might be surprised at how much you have in common. Not the hobby itself, but maybe someone is building a replica of the Taj Mahal in Minecraft, and they'd share the necessary patience and attention to detail that you have. Or maybe they have a fantasy football league that they constantly crunch numbers for, and that's not so dissimilar either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can feel pretty darn validating to just tell someone about your hobby, have that acknowledged, and keep rolling; you don't need to induct them wholeheartedly into your secret universe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10859" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T23:08:50.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8672" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8670" CreationDate="2018-01-02T23:27:58.737" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The challenge here is meeting your standards vs not doing something in a way that affects others.  If this were about vacuuming, then I'd say &quot;forget about it, let the other person vacuum the way they want.&quot;  However, for a kid to have dinner at 9 at night sounds like there would be a lot of complaining for 4 hours about how hungry they are.  That teaches the kid that parents can't be relied upon and that they don't matter.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd start by saying, &quot;Hey, let me cook for a little while&quot; and have dinner ready by 7 every night.  Get the kid used to that.  Then, if the wife wants to cook, explain to her that you've been getting it ready at 7 and would like to continue that- that gives you both time to relax after work, the kid can make some plans before dinner, and you all can get into a routine.  The trick is to hold yourself to the same standard you want to hold someone else to.  If you can't do that, then you don't have authority to set standards for someone else.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, it's about doing this together.  There are things that you do better; there are things that she does better.  Let each of you do the things you do best, and you'll have a happier relationship.  That will help you have a happier and more well-adjusted child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T23:27:58.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-02T23:36:19.073" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes, directly dismissing a compliment is rude, and will be frustrating to the person who gave the compliment.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, you aren't required to agree with them to graciously accept the compliment. It might also be helpful to keep in mind that they aren't saying you did a perfect job or that you're the most gorgeous person on the planet. When someone gives a compliment, they are focusing on the bits that they like. It's their prerogative to like what they like, so there is no reason to argue with them over it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine how you would feel if every time you spoke well of something, someone else denigrated it. You say you like a movie, and they say it's awful. You comment on a pretty dress, and they say it's hideous. It'll quickly become discouraging, won't it? That's how people feel when you regularly dismiss their compliments of you. You're telling them the things they like are actually terrible, which is insulting and dismissive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not to say you can never disagree, of course, but you shouldn't make it a constant habit, and you should try to do so in a positive way. Instead of responding to a compliment on your appearance with, &quot;No, I look like a mess!&quot; try something like &quot;you really think so? The wind made a total mess of my hair on the way over; I think it looks like I didn't even brush it this morning.&quot; Then they might agree your hair is a disaster but they love your outfit, or they might say they happen to like your messy hairdo. The difference between the two responses is instead of outright saying they are completely wrong, you are giving your own specific opinion. Don't push this though; you should accept the compliment without objection the second time, and don't do this too often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-02T23:42:22.553" LastActivityDate="2018-01-02T23:42:22.553" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-02T23:46:36.793" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another way to accept the compliment &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; note that you aspire to do better (I think part of what's important to you is setting high standards) is to say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, I learned a lot from this project--next time I work on something like this I will add x because it would enhance y. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that case, someone might get excited about your idea and they could help make it happen on the existing project. If not, it shows that you are focused, observant, and have good ideas while also recognizing that nothing is perfect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10861" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T02:50:41.547" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T02:50:41.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8675" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8615" CreationDate="2018-01-03T00:10:59.070" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Casual conversation is less precise and economical, I used to be quite bad at it. My wife tells so many stories and jokes, so over time I've become more practised. It helps me to think of it more like &quot;having fun wasting time&quot; than &quot;communicating new information.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A huge thing is shared time, learning how these specific people talk and what they think is funny, and feeling relaxed. The &quot;stretchin your legs&quot; comment could be gotten to by paraphrasing or extending what the first person said. Lots of people will be excited when you do this, it shows you understand and are interested (whether or not you actually are) in what they have to say. You can just sort of imagine doing that thing and think of what you'd think doing it, or how you'd describe that same action a different way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: Also there's always the &quot;meta conversation&quot; option, eg. &quot;Wow you looked so elated at the prospect of getting free doughnuts you looked like you could practically float away!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10861" LastEditorUserId="10861" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T00:20:09.507" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T00:20:09.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8676" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8588" CreationDate="2018-01-03T00:26:25.297" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another option is to plan to do one of those activities that both you and Steve enjoy. Either Bob decides to join in, learns a bit while still letting you and Steve share your 'in-talk', and might even gain a new interest. Or Bob declines, especially if you offer to set him up with some other activity (eg. 'I can drop you off at the cool new coffee shop I've been talking about if you wanted to catch up on some of your sketching')&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10861" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T00:26:25.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8677" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7949" CreationDate="2018-01-03T00:49:00.603" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My advice, such as it is, is to stop thinking of him as your little brother. At thirty years of age, discounting any mental deficiencies, he's a fully grown adult, responsible for his &lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; decisions. As is your mother, by the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everyone is cut out for 9-to-5 work, or even running their own business. He may well turn out to be an &amp;quot;artsy&amp;quot; type who cares little for what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; think is desirable :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, as you stated, he seems to be doing fine on the investment front, so maybe that four years of financial buffer space is a good thing so he can work out what he actually wants to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having done the hard yards for decades before finally deciding I'd rather get paid &lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt; to actually &lt;em&gt;enjoy&lt;/em&gt; my work, I would suggest to anyone that asked that they should do what they love doing, and screw the money. Life's too short to do otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would worry me &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; than your brothers apparent inability to commit to work life would be your &lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; words, which seem to be inconsistent (my &lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; family held rather similar attitudes to what you appear to have). You state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my point of view I don't have the feeling that I'm pressuring him (considering that this has been going on for two years) and I also don't consider myself judgmental (I don't care what he is doing as long as he's happy and not affecting others with his behavior).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yet this appears to have been a cause of yours for quite some time:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I bring up the topic, he totally blocks and gets mute and we have several weeks of silence between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've told her a million times to set him a deadline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It took me over a year to convince her to ask at least for rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to be brutal here, you seem to have done about as much as you can for an adult, anything beyond that will almost certainly alienate you from your brother further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are &lt;em&gt;responsible&lt;/em&gt; for your own life (and your children while they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; children). Beyond that, you should be nothing more than &lt;em&gt;concerned.&lt;/em&gt; And being concerned should be little more than notifying people of your concern, &lt;em&gt;offering&lt;/em&gt; to help a small number of times, being &lt;em&gt;available&lt;/em&gt; to help as often as needed, and then backing off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T00:49:00.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8678" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8670" CreationDate="2018-01-03T00:56:17.647" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Relationships are a team sport; they work better with less &quot;I&quot; and &quot;you&quot; and more &quot;we&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband and I have had this kind of problem, in both directions.  He used to wash the dishes but I wasn't happy with the level of cleanliness.  Meanwhile, I cook and had been pretty flexible about timing depending on evening activities, when we got home from work, and what I wanted to make, and it turned out he had some non-obvious timing constraints.  (I'm describing these together, but they were two separate incidents not related to each other.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the dishwashing, I'd tried (for years) asking him to be more careful, making specific suggestions, and sometimes getting upset (not good I know, but we're all human).  Even when I was careful in phrasing, there was a lot of &quot;I don't like X&quot; and &quot;you don't do Y&quot; involved.  It didn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What did work was when I said something like this: &quot;I don't like the disagreements about this and I'm sure you don't either.  Can we come up with a different distribution of chores that works better for both of us?&quot;  For reasons specific to our household, simply trading cooking and dishwashing wasn't going to work.  We ended up working out larger changes that left me with both cooking and dishwashing, which works better for me if I could unload a different time-consuming chore that it turns out he didn't mind doing.  It's been a year or so and things are much better in the kitchen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he had concerns about timing he used a similar approach -- &quot;I'm trying to work around (constraint), so could we try to have dinner by (time)?&quot;  Once I understood the issue I could accommodate it and, more importantly, I could tell him in advance when on a particular night I &lt;em&gt;wouldn't&lt;/em&gt; be able to accommodate it, so we could talk about options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a partner feels criticized it's natural to say &quot;if you don't like the way I do it, you can do it yourself&quot;.  And sometimes that can lead to actual or perceived passive-aggressiveness, doing or seeming to do the chore badly to &lt;em&gt;get&lt;/em&gt; the other person to take it over, and that's no good for the relationship.  Instead of that, try working together to solve a &lt;em&gt;shared&lt;/em&gt; problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T00:56:17.647" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-03T01:01:41.503" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;In some cultures (eg some Asian cultures) it is more socially acceptable to &amp;quot;deny&amp;quot; it than to accept it unchallenged, such as by saying &amp;quot;It's not as good as I wanted&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;I could have done better&amp;quot;.  But this doesn't really exist in western culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general I would say there is nothing rude about doing this, as long as you put it like this.  It would be a problem only if you were to question or insult the person giving the compliment, such as by implying they have bad taste if they liked that.  But that's definitely not what you were suggesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's some different responses to a compliment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Thanking them for the compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always appropriate and acceptable.  You can add &amp;quot;I was happy with how it turned out too&amp;quot; or something.  Note: the only exception to this is if you come from one of the cultures I mentioned before where you're expected to feign it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Giving other people credit&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is seen as gracious and polite and very appropriate when other people really did contribute to the final result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Thanking them, but saying you could have done better or you aren't happy with the result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is fine.  I don't see any problem with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not thanking them, and implying that they are wrong to compliment you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is slightly rude.  For example, if you say &amp;quot;You sure? It's not really that good&amp;quot; you are questioning their judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not thanking them, and explicitly insulting them for having such poor judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously avoid this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T01:01:41.503" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8670" CreationDate="2018-01-03T01:03:10.457" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the problem I see from a cursory reading of your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wife and I raise our kid &lt;em&gt;together&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; does the cooking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A relationship is a &lt;em&gt;partnership.&lt;/em&gt; If you're not happy with the way certain things are being done, it appears to me that you can &lt;em&gt;raise&lt;/em&gt; the issue (tactfully) but, if a fix isn't forthcoming, you may well have to adjust your &lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; behaviour to suit. And, by tactfully, I don't mean asking your wife why she's so inconsistent, I mean offering to help out in some way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have absolutely &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; idea why your wife may be inconsistent in meal times but, rather than getting someone to &amp;quot;improve their job while relying on them to do it&amp;quot;, you may want to at &lt;em&gt;least&lt;/em&gt; consider the possibility that you should be putting more of your own effort into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For what it's worth, when we have our evening meal delayed for some reason, we simply have plans in place to ensure the kids don't go hungry. This is as simple as an apple or diced peaches, or a &amp;quot;surprise plate&amp;quot; with cheese, dates, sultanas, celery and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or we have a few quick meals that we can toss together in a hurry such as frozen carrot soup or home-made burger patties, eggs on toast and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T01:03:10.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8681" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-03T01:35:14.977" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It will very likely be rude, awkward, or both, to deny a compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no social etiquette in central Europe (that I am aware of) that tells you to deny praise. So, one perfectly fine way to answer is to simply say &quot;thank you&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing that you added the &lt;code&gt;autism&lt;/code&gt; tag, I assume that things like this do not come naturally to you. You can actually practice to do that. I know that if you are in that situation, you may feel insecure how to respond. If you have a ready-made answer (&quot;thank you&quot;), you can just spool that off, and be done with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to deliver it sincerely with a smile, but not going excited and glowing all over, and it will be nice for the complimenter as well, and a mature response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T01:35:14.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8685" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-03T09:34:22.497" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When they say you did a good job they might compare to if they would have done it, so it can be interpreted as rude. (&quot;My worst is better than your best&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also i think you should maybe cut yourself some slack. You can always do something better given more time/energy, but sometime you need to be done also. Even masterpieces of famous artists could probably have been better if they would put more time into it. So you can interpret &quot;good job&quot; as &quot;good job (for the constraints given)&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="158" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T09:34:22.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8647" CreationDate="2018-01-03T10:29:06.067" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me paraphrase how I understand your currently applied strategy for solution:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(1) I will convince Mum that behavior B is bad for me, (2) then she will change it and (3) then I can act differently&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though well-intentioned, your strategy is setting you up for failure and frustration, because Mum has to act differently before you can, and this is the first problem, she won’t even listen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an (unintended) consequence, you depend making your choices on her behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Crazy Cucumber’s very thoughtful answer demonstrates a solution operating on a different logic. &#xA;Instead of trying to change Mum’s behavior, he changed &lt;strong&gt;his&lt;/strong&gt; behavior to include both - doing what he likes to do - and at the same time reassuring Mum from time to time - but without giving up his plans (too much). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don’t be fooled though: this sounds easy, but is really difficult to do - but not impossible - because of two reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mum’s behavior&lt;br&gt;&#xA;you know what I mean (“treated me like trash...”, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;your behavior&lt;br&gt;&#xA;... and I am doing a wild guess here, please check for yourself if I portray this correctly or not ... criticizing yourself harshly for not caring enough for her, leaving her alone etc. which transforms into feeling guilt. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mum’s communication has so strong effects probably because “part of you” chiming in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Part of you” of course is a metaphor. Our mind has the astounding capacity to generate different meanings from the same data simultaneously, and these meanings might even be in open contradiction to each other. Some experts suggested to treat these different meanings as if different “voices” within a discussion. This is not a sign of illness or something, but rather perfectly normal (but at times painful nevertheless).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if I got the “your behavior” part fairly right, I would suggest...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;starting to appreciate what you have been doing and are doing for her, and validate this (to counter the impression of not doing enough, which can be understood as a kind of self-hypnosis) - do this often, do it in writing, tell yourself how much you appreciate this, but don’t ask Mum to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;appreciate your - probably highly automated thoughts “I have to make her happy etc.” as a sign of your loyalty and dutifulness, a strength, that can become a weakness if applied too much. And exercise to not act upon it, at least postpone your reaction more and more.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;experiment with applying Crazy Cucumbers strategies with your Mum and develop some of your own.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please let me know what you think about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T10:29:06.067" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2018-01-03T10:56:57.917" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are afraid of what coworkers might think, and withholding your hobby in (perceived) shame, your coworkers are going to react to the fear and anxiety you present.  That's not good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show off your model trains in ways that make them look good, even to the untrained eye.  Put them in glass display cases, preferably with external validation of how good they are (news clippings, award ribbons, or whatever you have).  Put those in plain sight and wait.  You'll eventually have a person ask about them, and that is the appropriate time to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, as others have said, nobody will want to bolster your spirits if you've trashed their hobbies or enjoyments.  Find something interesting in their past times, without upstaging them with your past time.  That interest can be the interest of a complete novice; but, remember that you are fostering positive lines of communication more than you are becoming a (insert sport here) fan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10404" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T10:56:57.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8689" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8647" CreationDate="2018-01-03T11:16:24.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother too is over-anxious and a &quot;guilt-blackmailer&quot;, so I do understand your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Parents are a delicate matter. They OF COURSE are WORTHWHILE people (they are your parents, they grew you up, they care for you, etc.) but that does NOT allow them to go beyond one's boundaries.&#xA;And using the &quot;guilt blackmail&quot; is one way to state &quot;either obey me or suffer&quot;.&#xA;Which is nowhere near &quot;fair&quot;.&#xA;Therefore, whatever I'm going to tell you below, might sound harsh to do to a parent, yet it's just a way to deal with their unfairness: harshness vs unfairness.&#xA;She wanted this, not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per my experience, I've learnt that &quot;attack is the best defense&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;at some point during the argument she told me that if she is such a bad mother, I should keep a distance and hung up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would react with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Then tell me: am I such a terrible son/daughter you would keep a distance from and hung up to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I would immediately press with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is that your best? Do you REALLY think that keeping a distance and severing the conversation by hunging up is anywhere near an ADULT way to deal with a problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And also&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What with my boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you think that pulling anyone else into this, either in favour of or against me, will make me change my mind? Do you really think I am THAT dumb?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With my first quote, you turn around her own statement on her: she might have overlooked that perspective, in the heat of the discussion.&#xA;With my other two quotes, you are attacking her, implying that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she is not acting as an adult&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she is thinking you are dumb&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this fails, unfortunately all I can suggest is to give her what she wants: silence. If there's any will to be reasonable, sooner or later she will break that silence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry I can't help you more than this, but this way I did solve a couple of problems with my mother BEFORE reaching actually giving her &quot;the silence she wants&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the best and good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T11:16:24.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7519" CreationDate="2018-01-03T12:06:32.570" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;One way would simply be to offer to be their spotter&lt;sup&gt;(a)&lt;/sup&gt; or, better yet, be each other's spotters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, provided they accept, just casually bring up the odd suggestion as part of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't want a spotter, say &quot;no probs&quot; and go back to your own exercises. They are, after all, grown adults responsible for their own health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(a)&lt;/sup&gt; I &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; that's the correct term, it's been a few decades since I did any serious weight training. Nowadays it's just high reps, low weight in the garage :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T12:06:32.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-03T13:16:59.250" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had the same problem. Since the last two stag parties went that way I feared mine wouldn't except. So I told in advance to the two guys who were organizing the whole thing that I wanted something quiet and no embarassing situations.&#xA;It came out a funny night of karting, eating and sharing memories.&#xA;So, since it's your party why should be thrown something that just others like and not you? Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10887" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T13:16:59.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8694" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8700" CreationDate="2018-01-03T14:16:18.330" Score="32" ViewCount="32005" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an online friend who I have been talking to for the past few months. Let's call her Alice. We get along well and share some interests and can talk about stuff for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've begun to feel like I'm always the one who has to initiate conversation, and when I'm talking to her, I'm usually the one asking questions (to keep the conversation going) which she answers earnestly. She doesn't sound uninterested or bothered by my questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, we might be talking about holidays we've been on. I'll say I've been to X, Y and Z, she says she's been to A, B, and C, and to keep the conversation going I'll ask her questions about the places she visited or where else she'd like to travel to, but she doesn't ask me about the places I've been to or any other questions unless I start talking about them first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My questions are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My social skills aren't great so I'm trying to learn what different cues mean. Does her behaviour &quot;mean&quot; anything like, am I doing something wrong, is this warning of a deeper problem, or is this normal?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How can I encourage her to initiate conversations and ask questions back?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;From what I understand, you go from acquaintances to friends when both parties care about each other, and she has said that I am her good friend and that she trusts me. But in another friendship, me and a different person asking questions about each other or showing mutual interest in each others' things means &quot;care&quot;. Is there something that I'm missing with my friendship with Alice or am I worrying too much?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: &lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I don't think the issue is a lack of interest. She's told me that she thinks of me as a good friend, she's said that she enjoys our chats and is fine with my questions, and she does reply to me with well-thought-out answers. I like talking to her because we have several niche interests in common that we like to discuss at length. We are similar ages and from similar cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2183" LastEditorUserId="2183" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T11:11:25.603" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T13:55:21.707" Title="What does not initiating and not asking questions back mean?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-03T14:18:22.493" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;We must not oppose a belief, contrary to the facts. Do not respond negatively to a belief like &quot;good work&quot;, but answer a simple &quot;Thank you&quot; or nothing at all if you are against the idea, or comfort it in its belief if you share it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later, when you talk about facts, construction, security or others, you can contradict it with your personal experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Your website is beautiful.&quot; → belief &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Your site is the most beautiful.&quot; → fact&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Your site can not be more beautiful.&quot; → belief&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I have never seen such a beautiful site.&quot; → fact&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For management methods or work, I refer you to the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socratic_method&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;maieutics&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10891" LastEditorUserId="10891" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T14:25:21.670" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T14:25:21.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8696" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8694" CreationDate="2018-01-03T14:33:45.917" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;In relation to 1) it is not possible to provide a &quot;one fits all&quot; answer, certainly not without further context. This is because such behaviour can indicate a great many things.  Some people, for example, might appreciate the communication but don't initiate conversations for fear of coming across as annoying/clingy or because they are simply introverted. Others might feel obligated to answer communications even if they are not too interested due to not come across as unfriendly. People might also have a lot on their plate making it difficult to find the time to start talking to people on their own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for 2) you could try and express to Alice that you really appreciate the conversations with her. But again, depending on the reason for why she is not initiating conversations, this might not really lead to a change in behaviour on her end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4636" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T14:33:45.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8697" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8701" CreationDate="2018-01-03T14:38:41.750" Score="1" ViewCount="635" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend, whom I'm not especially close to. After his breakup from his long-time girlfriend (&gt; 5 yrs) he started sending me a lot of texts with mostly very mundane contents. I usually text little back (what is there to text, when someone sends pictures of new drinking glasses that look very... well, just normal?).&#xA;I understand he's probably lonely after the breakup and seeks alternative attention, but I'm not interested in providing such outside what's usually common between superficial friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I've already been accused of being very unsympathetic (which I don't deny), but also slowly get annoyed of the constant random texts, I wonder:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there something like an average &quot;expiration date&quot; up to which one has to be nice and understanding to a &quot;not-best-friend&quot; (of opposite gender, if it makes any difference)? If yes, how long would this be? I haven't had any relationships that long nor have I experienced any extremely hard break-ups.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I have the impression, I'm the best (?) female friend among many, many male friends, albeit not being very close. I have considered that sometimes men find it easier to talk to women about emotional topics than to other men, but he doesn't seem to talk about the break-up (I have offered to listen, but haven't pushed after he didn't). I'm actually not really interested, just thought one usually should offer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10892" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T15:32:16.040" Title="What's the average comforting time after breakups?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-03T15:27:44.440" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8699" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8703" CreationDate="2018-01-03T14:59:42.013" Score="-2" ViewCount="1086" Body="&lt;p&gt;How I met her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's a friend of my EX with whom I was in a long distance relationship (countries apart) and when my EX broke up with me, she offered me help, support and listened to me complaining about my break up for months.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About my female friend: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Feels uncomfortable about her gender. Deep down, she is very sure that she was never meant to be a girl right from the beginning  and doesn't want to be a girl&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Has dated both genders but all the relationships were terrible&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has gotten obese since highschool and isn't happy about how she looks&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Has intense pressure of being a music student&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Her anxiety is to that level that she avoids social interaction and avoids speaking as much as she can&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lost interest in all things in life&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Doesn't really have any friends who are &quot;active&quot; in her life&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sessions with psychologist doesn't help much either&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm too busy to help her &quot;online&quot; but I worry about her a lot. How do I help her?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10811" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T15:25:00.173" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T15:27:21.047" Title="How do I help my &quot;online&quot; friend who suffers from depression and anxiety?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-01-03T15:40:21.703" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8700" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8694" CreationDate="2018-01-03T15:05:51.363" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only one who can actually tell you what her behavior means is Alice herself. In addition, you two are chatting via text only and it's hard to draw conclusions about one's chat partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the important points are&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I have an online friend who I have been talking to for the past few months.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I've begun to feel like I'm always the one who has to initiate conversation, [...]&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You consider her your friend and you are not satisfied, or at least a bit confused about your one-sided conversations. Since she engages in conversations with you, it's probably safe to assume that she considers you to be a friend, too. And when problems arise in a friendship, it's usually best to tackle them together and be honest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask her about what she expects from your conversations.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I suggest you have a normal and friendly start into the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Approach this in a non-accusatory way! The goal is not to play and win a blame game, and it may not be clearly anybody's fault. Instead, it is a problem you perceive and you hope that you two can solve it together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Alice should feel comfortable about opening up and that she can honestly state her opinion and her feelings about the matter. Avoid creating the impression that some threats lure in the background (e. g. like &quot;If you don't show interest in my activities, I see no future for our friendship.&quot; or the like).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be too forcing! If she doesn't want to have the conversation, leave it be and go on like normal, if you want - don't &lt;em&gt;punish&lt;/em&gt; her for it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in essence&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask her what she expects from your conversations and what she likes/dislikes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;tell her how you feel about it yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;drop the topic if she doesn't want to talk about it, but you may ask if you could continue on a later date.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever problem there is, only you two together can find out what it is and solve it. But if you are honest, friendly and respect her boundaries, you increase your chances of her opening up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T15:05:51.363" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8697" CreationDate="2018-01-03T15:15:56.570" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there something like an average &quot;expiration date&quot; up to which one has to be nice and understanding to a &quot;not-best-friend&quot; (of opposite gender, if it makes any difference)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no rule that I've ever heard of. It is all very situational, based on your relationship to the person, how that person is taking the breakup, and your personality (do you want to be nice, or are you more of a cynical / &quot;tough love&quot; type?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically, people express their sympathies once and then take cues from the other person. It's generally nice to avoid certain topics, e.g. gushing about your own relationship, for a bit (maybe a few weeks or so), but unless they have asked you to stop or been obviously uncomfortable, there's no requirement to treat them so delicately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are annoyed by the constant random texts, back off from responding to them (which he might see as encouragement). If he accuses you of being unsympathetic, tell him that you are sorry for his plight but that you are uncomfortable with this new development. Being broken up with does not entitle him to demand attention from the nearest female presence! If you're willing to entertain him, that's very nice of you, but if not, let him know he needs to find a different source of attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T15:15:56.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8697" CreationDate="2018-01-03T15:23:03.777" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;IMO it depends on how well you know the person and how often you see them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There isn't really a 'period of niceness' with these things, it's essentially how much you know/value the person and what you can live with doing about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me personally, I don't really respond to mundane stuff like pictures of drinking glasses if it's someone I barely know as that just encourages more of the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you care about the person, be supportive. If you don't then it's better to not respond, chances are this person is reaching out to a few people and will wind up talking to those that do care eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T15:23:03.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8699" CreationDate="2018-01-03T15:27:21.047" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be &quot;normal&quot; for her, and remain non-judgemental.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of internet &quot;chatting&quot; (I'm assuming this is what you're doing), move over to writing letters via email.  Tell her what you're doing in your life, normal things that she might find interesting.  Try not to ask for her help on anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, this will give her something to look forward to getting in her inbox that doesn't demand answers, justification, or throw judgements at her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea here is that you're not intentionally ignoring her sources of anxiety, but you're offering an escape from them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may or may not work, depending on how needful she is about her own issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that she might feel as though you're throwing your &quot;normalcy&quot; at her, so start slowly.  Talk about yourself, and allow her to talk about herself if she needs to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T15:27:21.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8697" CreationDate="2018-01-03T15:32:16.040" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;How much does it take for a person to recover from a break-up, i. e. &lt;strong&gt;after how much time consolation becomes superfluous?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It varies greatly from case to case, depending on (among other factors): the age of the person, their personality, their resilience, the length and importance of the story, the causes and circumstances of the break-up, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance: If he was living at her girlfriend''s place and after 5 years of deep love he found out that she cheated on him with his best friend, making him move out, expect a long time of these messages. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other end of the spectrum, if he slowly grew out of love for her girlfriend, which is also living in another continent and feels the same, the time of recovery could be way shorter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This for the technical time a person &lt;em&gt;could feel to need&lt;/em&gt; to be treated more nicely than the usual. As for how much do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want to provide this treatment, it is up to you. You mention that this person is not exactly your friend, but more like a close acquaintance. This can be an opportunity to develop a deeper relationship and become friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the random texts, your friend may find it difficult to talk directly about his thoughts, so he could look for means of starting a normal conversation and only if successful opening up to you. Being introverted and with some difficulties in asking for help, I'd do the same: I'd like first to check if the other person is interested in having a conversation with me, and only when &lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; answer and ask me &quot;by the way, how are you?&quot; I'd feel there is enough space for me to open up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Summing up: if you want to console him and at the same time estimate how much he needs your help, answer to his random texts and veer the conversation on his feelings. After that, the time you decide to spend on &quot;being nice&quot; with him, as mentioned in Tycho''s Nose comment, depends on your patience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can consider also finding a way to be nice with him without having to pretend. Is there some activity that you can engage in with him and that you find interesting? Can you invite him to go out with you and your friends? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T15:32:16.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8705" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2018-01-03T15:58:50.363" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like, based on your dismissive &quot;I'm better than you&quot; treatment of football hobbyists, that the real problem is you don't know how to treat others with respect. The problem is that for 70% or so of people if you treat them badly then when given the chance they are going to treat you badly too. This sounds like the problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you come off as a, arrogant, elitist, deplorable person, and then bring up something that could be taken two ways (&lt;em&gt;'oh that's interesting, what a youthful hobby&lt;/em&gt;', or &lt;em&gt;'you pathetic blah blah'&lt;/em&gt;) and the people are the ones that don't like you, then its no surprise which option they will choose. No one is dismissive of the really friendly nice person at work with the odd hobby. They are of the person they don't like. You set the frame of how your hobby is received and whether people will want to make fun of you, or accept the hobby as you just being you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your hobby is not popular, and not mainstream. This is not a big deal. Everyone has some kind of hobby that is a little strange (some have mentioned anime, video gaming, table top games, model anything, video game design, fanfiction writing, and so on). For the most part no one will care what you are interested in so long as its not harmful to others. But if they are very obviously not interested then stop sharing, because that is when it gets annoying. And definitely don't publicly announce your hobby to everyone unsolicited. No matter what your hobby is (it could be football which is socially acceptable), it is just inappropriate to draw everyone's attention to you during work for something related to your private life. It will have a negative reception. If I stood up in work and said I love FOOOOOTTTBAAALLLLL, you know I'm going to be made fun of for the rest of my time there. I will probably also make someone mad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is bring your hobby up in conversation once in a while, with the coworkers you get along with. If they are not interested then drop it and don't bring it up again. Your hobby is rare so you might never find anyone. Which is just life. Work is work. You can find hobbyists in your private life easy enough (make a group on meetup.com, try reddit, etc etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So be nice. Be respectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10896" LastEditorUserId="10896" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T17:21:54.023" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T17:21:54.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-03T16:18:08.710" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I thought I would provide my experience from my own bachelor party with the intention of showing you that you are not alone with such choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friends have always been big into partying, which includes bars, clubs, and most certainly strip clubs. Knowing this, I informed my best man that I did not want to partake in such activities and instead, wanted to simply go to dinner, have some drinks, then play some video games (boring, I know..). Despite this, my best man and several of my friends went straight to the strip club for 'my bachelor party' while I hung out with my fiancé, simply because I didn't want to put myself in that kind of situation. Although somewhat selfish, I didn't take offense to their actions because that was what they knew and expected. Ultimately, they did what they did because they wanted to simply go to a strip club, and my bachelor party gave them a great excuse to their wives and girlfriends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, I do not regret my decision at all. After everything is said an done, you will be married to your fiancé, not your friends. Tell them your wishes. If they do not listen to your wishes, don't go. If they stay upset at you, they are not worth having as friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6061" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T16:18:08.710" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8694" CreationDate="2018-01-03T16:31:11.350" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some good points here already, I just want to give a little more psychological insight into things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've been on both sides of the fence in this situation. Of course it's impossible to say for sure, but &lt;em&gt;in general&lt;/em&gt; her behavior indicates a lack of interest. Where it gets complicated is figuring out &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; that is. It could be something as harmless as being distracted, tired, preoccupied, or similar. Or it could be a genuine lack of interest in the friendship. Then there are possibilities like she's got something going on in her life that is causing stress/anxiety, resulting in her withdrawing from social interaction. Whatever the case, the fact that she's actually responsive and not giving other signals like agitation or dismissal leads me to believe it's one of the more harmless possibilities.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can't. If she's not motivated to reciprocate, you're not going to change that. She could just have nothing to say on the topics you're bringing up. For example you might find your vacations X, Y, and Z to be interesting but maybe she doesn't. In a perfect world she would know how to handle that gracefully, but a lot of people just don't, and we can't expect them to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can't assess every friendship the same way. I have some friends I chat with daily about all kinds of things, and others I talk to only once a month and usually about a single topic or two, but I consider them all to be great friends. How much we get involved in each others' personal lives also varies greatly. Really it's up to you to define what you think a friend is, and the same is true for her. This is one thing I wouldn't put much thought into, friendships happen naturally, and it's difficult (if not impossible) to compare one to another.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what should you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt;? Personally, I wouldn't push the issue directly as you're seeing it. There's probably an underlying cause for her apparent lack of involvement, and that's what you should try to explore. Despite all my wordiness above, there are two scenarios I see as being by far the most likely, and you can approach both the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Something in life is distracting her. Could be good, could be bad, who knows. She might be willing to share, or she might prefer to keep it private.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The conversations just aren't engaging her as much. This isn't necessarily a red flag, it just might mean you need to find some new common ground. You're already on the right track by asking her follow-up questions to what she talks about.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay here's what I would do in your situation. Keep it simple and friendly, use soft language that doesn't demand an answer, and don't pressure her into revealing anything she might not be comfortable revealing. &quot;Hey you seem preoccupied lately. Anything going on that you want to talk about?&quot; She might open up about what's on her mind. Or you might not find out anything directly, in which case do as I said in scenario #2 above and just try to learn more about her and what she enjoys talking about. Either way, don't put too much thought into it. The more you over-think it, the more awkward it will sound. Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T16:31:11.350" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-03T17:21:09.207" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Somewhat difficult to answer, given we don't know where you are from. Different cultures tackle this in different ways, in some western cultures it can be considered rude to disagree, whereas in, say, Japan, you're almost required to do so, even if you do agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most cultures I've seen actually go in shades of grey of this, as in, it's rude to outright deny it, but you have some leeway to work around it. I say that because I too have struggled with this in the past, coming from a culture in which not only is it required to accept the compliment, but also to compliment the person back (think like 'you look nice', 'oh thanks, you too').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I normally do:&lt;/strong&gt; first express that you disagree with it, and then express gratitude that the other person thinks so high of you. As such: &quot;you did a great job with that website!&quot; &quot;really? I thought it turned out so-so at best, by I'm glad to see it pleased you&quot;. What I've seen is that more people are left unphased by your dismissal if you end it in a positive note, than if you first say thanks and then disagree (or if you just disagree and that's it). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10902" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T17:21:09.207" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8709" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6788" CreationDate="2018-01-03T17:25:47.127" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would consider the possibility that she wants to meet your family, in part to &quot;advance&quot; the relationship closer to marriage, which many women hold as an important goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also the possibility that she planned her trip assuming that she could visit your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A third possibility is that she may worry that you still have something secret about your life in your hometown, such as an old girlfriend.  Some people are insecure and harbor such suspicions.  These doubts are pretty common and can be fed by you not wanting her to meet with you there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to do what she wants, but you're free to choose to do what she wants because you want her to be happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really don't want to meet with her and with your family, my advice is to tell her so in a respectful way.  If this ends the relationship, then the relationship wasn't healthy and strong enough to be worth maintaining.  If telling her doesn't hurt the relationship a great deal and she shows understanding, then you've reached an important milestone of trust and compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; comfortable with her meeting your family and you're only concerned about her taking up your time when you're with them, I suggest asking your family whether they'd like to spend time with her when you're not around.  You can spend one or more days with all of them together &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; the time she spends alone with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does several useful things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It shows her that you really just want some alone time with your family.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It shows her that you're not hiding something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It shows her that you're not keeping her from meeting your family.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It allows your family to get to know her in a more meaningful way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It communicates to your family and to her that you see her as a person and want the family to know her as a person and not just as your girlfriend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that the best solution depends on your true feelings and whether you want your family to meet her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10765" LastEditorUserId="10765" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T17:34:16.113" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T17:34:16.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8523" CreationDate="2018-01-03T17:41:22.610" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a little self-deprecation always works. You can just say, &quot;yeah, it's kind of weird, but I'm really into model trains&quot;. For example, I'm 40, but I tend to be into things that 80-year-old women are &lt;em&gt;stereotypically&lt;/em&gt; into: genre mysteries, mystery tv shows, British TV shows, vintage clothing, old music, etc. So if any of that comes up, I just say &quot;I love that show, but I'm an old lady!&quot; or &quot;I love drinking my tea and watching Miss Marple like an old lady&quot; - that shows that (a) I'm not ashamed or about to stop, (b) I know it's not everyone's hobby, it's my thing, and (c) it sort of deflects or acknowledges what the listener might be thinking (&quot;isn't that an old lady thing?&quot;), and shows I have a sense of humour about it. At that point, someone like you could reply, &quot;Oh yeah? I get it. I'm really into model trains. I guess I stayed a kid!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you can always say, with a sense of humour, with a genuine smile/positivity: &quot;I come from a football family, but I'm the kid who's stuck to his model trains&quot;, or &quot;I'm part of this weird subculture that's into model trains. Yup. Grown men, little trains. It's intense!&quot; Everyone's into &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; and people are pretty understanding of it, as long as you allow for the natural feeling of surprise that might arise initially and accept it, rather than be on the defensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10903" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T17:41:22.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8711" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8715" CreationDate="2018-01-03T18:22:22.603" Score="68" ViewCount="35916" Body="&lt;p&gt;I love my girlfriend but my need for alone time to focus on my interests exceeds most individuals. We moved in together about 18 months ago (she moved across the country with me when I had a job opportunity so she does not have many friends in the area) and the first six months or so were fine but it quickly began to feel suffocating with her being there all the time (she works from home so I get almost no time to myself).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have hobbies like painting and reading that my girlfriend scolds me for; she wants things that we can do together only. We do many things together, it's just that she expects us to do something every day which is difficult for me while also maintaining my other hobbies.  I understand this on some level because she moved across the country with me when I moved for a job and has not made many friends here since she works from home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About eight months ago, I secretly rented a second apartment in the same city and pretended I needed to travel for work two days a week for an extended period of time. Everything was going great until one of her friends saw me entering this apartment when I was &quot;out of town&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her and I don't know what to do. I fear she'll leave me but I just want to find a good way to explain to her my need for alone time without hurting her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put a cap on it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She does not yet know the apartment is mine. I told her I had a hard deadline at work and was at a corporate apartment in the city for this week to focus, but that was an aberration and I am usually traveling (to clarify I am not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would like to accomplish:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her that I am not cheating on her and would never remain in a&#xA;relationship if I had desires for other women.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her about the second apartment and admit I was wrong for not&#xA;telling her about it in the first place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally I would like to keep the apartment and the two days a week apart but would give it up in order to stay with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way this might be possible at this stage?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10905" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T20:53:49.357" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T16:51:38.970" Title="How to handle my girlfriend finding out about my second apartment?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="19" ClosedDate="2018-01-05T17:21:18.983" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8713" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-03T18:55:57.527" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't help thinking of the &lt;em&gt;standard&lt;/em&gt; Mexican response to thanks:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;de nada&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which does not mean &quot;it was nothing, I had it done before breakfast because I'm so uber&quot;... But more like &quot;it was no trouble/ no great effort / not worth thanking me for&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So there is a Western precedent for the type of &quot;you're welcome&quot; that you are trying to give.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T18:55:57.527" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8711" CreationDate="2018-01-03T18:58:25.703" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to end the relationship or at least move out until you are ready to share your time and learn how to live with another individual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not because you hurt her, but because you are not ready to move in with someone.&#xA;All of the things that happened have the root on that single fact. It does not matter if you are successful at hiding it, if you apologize, cause you clearly are not ready to compromise and communicate properly with your girlfriend. If you have hobbies, you can do them while she is at home, you are two individuals sharing, not being a possession to the other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 1: Seems i was missing info on the problem since it was on the comment section of the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still the problem is not the apartment, but a lack of communication between the two and knowledge on what they desire in a relationship and how to maintain it. The OP needs to have serious talk with his girlfriend about how to have his &quot;own time&quot; and how that is not the result of a lack of interest in her. He also needs to understand his own failing at establishing, with her, his desires in the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lying in a relationship is not significantly different than cheating, they are both ways to obtain something we believe is currently unavailable in the relationship. By not discussing these deficiencies in the relationship, communication suffers and trust is lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until both sides come into agreement, the solution is the same, end the relationship or take a time out until both know if their relationship is viable or not&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any half way corrective action will most likely not solve the root problem and another issue will surface reverting the OP to this very same situation on the long run&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastEditorUserId="6393" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T14:53:15.577" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T14:53:15.577" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8711" CreationDate="2018-01-03T19:07:27.383" Score="128" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: You messed up, own that to yourself before you talk to her.  Don't lie.  Express how your lie was wrong to her, and mean it when you say it.  Figure out your needs, and her needs, and communicate that to each other exhaustively, and make a plan around it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, realize that you have messed up.  Relationships are built on trust, and literally every lie that either of you tells erodes that, however small the lie may be.  And this lie is about where you are for almost a third of your life?  That's...not a small lie.  So if you go into the conversation not accepting, and embracing, that you have done wrong, you're going to come off as unfeeling and dishonest.  After you've genuinely accepted that you have messed up, tell her all that you wanted to say here as much with honesty, candor, and directness - and if you believe it it will be apparent in your words.  You ask how to do that, but really, honesty and directness is your best strategy here - tell her why what you did was wrong, and how it could lead to mistrust and how it was unfair to her.  Identify what you did, identify what was wrong, and say &quot;I shouldn't have done that&quot; or otherwise express regret.  But before you start making apologies, be sure that you spell out in detail what the actual situation is - and, again, be blunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like her expectations on you were not reasonable.  It's important that you lay out your needs, that you make clear why you felt the need to seek an escape.  When addressing a topic like this, it's important not to use phrases like &quot;you pushed me away&quot; or &quot;you made me do this.&quot;  If you're going to talk about her actions, talk about how you feel and what actions on her part contributed to that, and then move from how you feel to how the way you feel guided your actions.  Instead of saying something like &quot;You wouldn't let me pursue my art so I had to find a safe haven,&quot; say, &quot;I felt invalidated by some of your criticism, and I tried to set up a place where I could pursue my interests without feeling that way,&quot; or something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that's how to explain away your past actions.  Going forward, you guys need a plan that meets all of your needs.  You need to lay out what your alone-time needs are, what hobbies are important to you and that you will continue to pursue, and the like - and you need to understand what her attention needs are, and the hobbies that are important to her, and the like.  You need to know what each of you is willing to give on, what you can't live without and what you're willing to compromise on.  And you need to discuss all of this in explicit and clear language so that there are no misunderstandings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it may be that there is no plan that meets all of both of your needs.  If your needs truly, genuinely, and fundamentally conflict, the relationship may not be viable, but that's a conclusion that you'd have to come to yourself.  I'm sure that this is a bit preachy, but a plan that involves lying is a plan that replaces an explosion today with a time bomb.  That's still not a safe and stable foundation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't ask for solutions to this problem, but I'm gonna offer it anyways - it sounds to me like a great solution would be for you to reserve certain days of the week, maybe even the same days, as &quot;you time&quot; days, with minimal interaction.  If you can afford two apartments, you can probably afford one apartment with a couple of extra rooms instead - although 'moving back' may not be necessary, it would probably help with the newly-formed trust issues.  In a bigger living space, you could designate some areas as &quot;you space,&quot; where you can retreat to if you feel smothered.  My girlfriend has such a room in our house, actually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastEditorUserId="8693" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T19:15:30.630" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T19:15:30.630" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-03T19:11:43.377" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I organized a bachelor party for a friend of mine a few years ago. Original idea was beer and a lap dancer. He, like you, was not fond of a lap dancer.  i knew this cause he told me in a very direct way that he would not come if we where bringing one. So the bachelor party was with out the lap dancer. Took me a little bit of effort to convince the rest of the guys, but they did understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bachelor party its for you to enjoy, for bonding with friends. Beer, food, lap dancers, are those are all extras. They are not a must, what is a must is a fun last bachelor party for you to enjoy and share time with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell the organizer, who should be your best friend, what you want, if you want sodas and just a bbq, it is ok. if they are your friends they will understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they dont, well, you can always leave the party&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastEditorUserId="5242" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T19:18:28.607" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T19:18:28.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4225" CreationDate="2018-01-03T19:28:56.083" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The gist of your thinking seems to be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In these situations I am mostly worried about the parent. When it is just me and the child I usually say something and as long as I am gentle and polite the child seems to understand and correct their behavior. But I have seen parents go nuts when someone says anything remotely corrective to their children. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when you're alone with the child, away from the parent, you are entitled but if the parent is within earshot you don't want to be corrected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as the child's misbehavior is a secret between you, and they won't run to their guardian and repeat your conversation, then you're in the clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's why &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; shouldn't communicate with other people's children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not suggesting that the child is correct to push in front of you, I'm questioning that you are the decider of right and wrong for stranger's children; as long as they don't catch you and have their own corrective advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you like to be alone with a much larger and stronger stranger whom corrected your actions? - You say: &quot;... the child seems to understand and correct their behavior.&quot;, if you were alone with someone much bigger would you argue and continue doing what they objected to? You &lt;em&gt;knew&lt;/em&gt; not to pick the child up so they could get a better view and explain the exhibit to them, so you know not to be selfish and put your own needs over a mistake made by someone whom doesn't know better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the average person: If it's an emergency then it's reasonable to intervene, otherwise if you don't want to mess with the parents then don't mess with the child. Speaking with the parents or talking to the exhibit's custodian or security would have been correct. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have been assaulted it's not wrong to ask them to leave, if you fear for your own safety contacting security makes sense; the idea of resorting to a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microaggression&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;microaggression&lt;/a&gt; (&quot;the casual degradation of any socially marginalized group, such as the poor or the disabled&quot;) is why you wrote: &quot;I have seen parents go nuts when someone says anything remotely corrective to their children.&quot;. If your only boundary is &quot;what harm will come to you&quot; is that not selfish and childish?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T19:28:56.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8694" CreationDate="2018-01-03T20:22:30.837" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am boldly guessing the situation, and some or all might not apply to your friendship. Please take no offense where I guessed wrong, I did not mean to assume either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see several possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She might be just bad at coming up with discussion topics, beeing either socially inexperienced, an introvert or - allow my nonspecific terminology - a boring person. In that case there is not much you can do, except thinking along those &quot;provide a safe place&quot; lines.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She might enjoy your chats, but consider it an entertainment service you provide that she can consume. In that case you can either accept it or ask for more engagement.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She might be bored by the discussions, but not outright ending them hoping for they get more interesting further down the road. In that case you should steer away from weather/holiday/everyday topics.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She might be distracted (TV, other chat, whatever), and answering takes less effort that coming up with ideas. In that case it helps if you agree on when to chat, and do not try to start a chat just because she is online.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you can't know which it is, you can try to maximize her engagement and see how far it gets you. &lt;strong&gt;I suggest&lt;/strong&gt; that you first of all try to find topics that she is truly interested in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;What was the last time you laughed so hard you could not keep&#xA;sitting?&quot;  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;If, whatever you do the next 12 months, in one year from&#xA;now your life would return to this exact moment - how would you spend that &#xA;year?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What was your happiest moment of the last year?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4961" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T20:22:30.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8719" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-03T20:25:03.037" Score="2" ViewCount="1195" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a follow up for a different &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/8642/how-should-i-handle-awkward-workplace-situation&quot;&gt;question&lt;/a&gt; I posted earlier this week. Here is the brief background story: There is a guy I work with that I know likes me and was talking to me a lot for a while and asked me out a couple of times but never committed to a plan so we never did. After the holidays for no obvious reason he started retreating and stopped communication with me. He sits right next to me every day but speaks to other people and does not acknowledge me anymore. He is very quiet and reserved so he's hard to read and normally doesn't speak to people unless they address him first (although he used to start conversations with me all the time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As we got to talk more I started to like him as well and was enjoying getting to know each other. A few weeks ago I invited him to a dinner party I'm hosting this coming weekend (that was while we were still talking a lot). My dinner party is approaching soon and &lt;strong&gt;my question is how to politely ask him if he still plans on attending since he never confirmed RSVP&lt;/strong&gt;. This is a little tough for me because I like him and don't want additional awkwardness between us as we see each other every day at work and I don't understand what changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time I texted him was last week and he confirmed that he's aware of the date of my party but didn't say anything beyond that. &lt;strong&gt;I want to know how to approach the topic of the party without making him uncomfortable, I was also considering asking why he cut communication with me but I'm unsure how to go about that too.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, what is the best way to ask this person about attending my party without making him feel obligated or pressured?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked friends for advice but most of them said to assume he's not going to come or forget about it and don't even ask. Some said that maybe he's shy and scared to talk to me but he was able to do that before so I don't know what to think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*another side-note: this guy's room mate (who also happens to work in our office) invited me to a new year's eve party which I declined because I was nervous to be around him when he started pulling away so it might be something related to his behavior too but I don't know that for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T07:17:50.773" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T15:49:25.653" Title="How to ask a coworker you like if he plans to attend your dinner party without making him feel pressured" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8720" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8723" CreationDate="2018-01-03T20:28:26.160" Score="3" ViewCount="1677" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some background: I live in a state in the coast of Mexico with my mother, my cousin (lets call him Pete) and my grand mother. Pete's family (his mother and 2 sisters) lives in another state and came to visit during Christmas/New Year's eve and they'll be with us for a few more days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will try to be as clear as possible with the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This weekend during new year's eve we had some more relatives joining us to dinner and celebration, everything nice. Then they came with the idea that we all should go to the beach next morning, Pete's family said yes, I said multiple times I didn't want to go, so did Pete and my mother, but the rest were very insistent saying that all of us had to go to be together and that sort of stuff. In the end they accepted that we were not going to go with the excuse that somebody had to stay home to look after our 93 years old grand mother (so far so good).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next morning our grand mother said that she would go too (I don't know if she came with the idea or my family did, it doesn't matter), sooooo the problem appeared again. I was woken up at about 9:00 am to go to the beach with them even when we went to sleep until 3 in the morning or so and I clearly said I did not want to go. I stayed in my bed until 11 hoping that they would go without me, but my mother came and said grandma and her were going to go too and that we should (had to) go with them, at this point Pete still didn't want to go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pete and I tried to convince them that we wanted to stay home, I stated that I don't like (almost hate) the beach because I always return full of sand and sunburns if I get into the water. We both stated multiple times that we preferred to stay home and do something here (rest, watch TV, play videogames, read a book, any other thing), I even said that I wanted to rest because I had to work the next day because I was not on vacation, but they were too insistent, they wouldn't leave without us, in the end we accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they were ready to go (everybody was on the truck we'd use) I tried a last effort to stay and said I was going to the bathroom and I waited there hoping they would run out of patience and leave without me (I think this was rude but I was desperate), it didn't happen, they came and knocked the door and asked me to hurry up. At some point my mother suggested to leave me and go without me but somebody said that if they did then all the time they waited would be in vain, this made me feel guilty so I finally got out and took a book with me to the beach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later when we arrived to the beach they all went to swim and the ones who didn't want to go and my grand mother stayed at the table eating, this bothered me because they were so insistent to be &quot;all together&quot; but they left us anyway. We played some boardgames when they came back while they waited for their meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trip to the beach was OK but the return trip was HORRIBLE, 3 more people (a cousin's relatives) returned with us, so the truck was completely full and we had so little space, not to mention that it took so much longer because an accident happened in the highway and the traffic slowed down a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end they asked &quot;you were glad you went with us, didn't you? you enjoyed your meal&quot;, which I answered &quot;not so much, the food was good but I could have eaten the same in a restaurant in downtown any time&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to know what approach I should take ( or could have) if something like this happens again. I have more family in other states and when they visit they ALWAYS want to to go to the beach and spend the whole day there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do I do if they keep insisting? I wouldn't like to lock myself in my room and ignore them because I'd feel like an as*hole, and if they don't go because of that they'd surely blame me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit for bonus&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like some advice to make my family understand and accept that I do not want to go with them and that we DO spend time together when they come, we had a nice dinner in christmas and new year's eve, we also went to the cinemas and ate an ice cream.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2737" LastEditorUserId="2737" LastEditDate="2018-01-03T23:15:51.690" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T06:22:01.420" Title="How can I convince my family to go out without me?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;mexico&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8719" CreationDate="2018-01-03T22:16:59.603" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I'd use the fact that your party is a dinner party to your advantage.  You can do this by saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey! I'm trying to get a good estimate of how many people are going to be coming to the dinner party this weekend to make sure there'll be enough food for everyone, and I realized I never heard back from you. Do you think you'll be able to make it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a practical approach.  You're not coming across as intrusive, and you're not directly pressuring him. If anything, you're being considerate in making sure you know if you should account for the possibility of an extra head at the dinner table, should he choose to come!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, asking &quot;&lt;em&gt;Do you think you'll be able to make it?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; doesn't trap him into definitive &quot;yes/no&quot; answers. It seems possible that at this point he's still unsure what how he wants to proceed with your friendship/relationship (due to whatever is going on with him).  If that's the case, this allows him to give a more non-committal answer and he can decide the day of - which might be important to allow him this breathing space, given his wishy-washy nature as of late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever his response, carry on as usual when replying to not expose that you were trying to specifically ask for &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; attendance plans. &quot;Be cool, be cool.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T22:16:59.603" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8720" CreationDate="2018-01-03T22:22:01.013" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: You don't need to convince them you don't like it. You simply need to convince them you are not going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're 22 and (presumably) under no obligation to obey commands to have fun, right? I think in that case, you should be able to simply say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No thank you; I don't enjoy the beach.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you seem to do is try to give reasons that are refuted or excuses that are flimsy. That is not really necessary. If you do not participate in an argument, one cannot take place. There is not much they can say that after this that cannot be met with &quot;no thank you.&quot; They may attempt to bargain with you, at which point you can repeat variations of &quot;no thank you&quot; and &quot;I don't enjoy the beach.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT to address comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have made your position clear (I'm not going) and your reason (I do not enjoy it), really nothing else is required of you. I prefer the broken record (no thank you, I don't enjoy the beach) because it indicates that no new argument will elicit a new response. You can, of course, elect to be less polite and find creative ways to say &quot;buzz off&quot; but you risk it becoming a game to them to see how creative your answers will be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That &quot;we only meet once in a while&quot; is true does not change that &quot;I don't enjoy the beach&quot; is also true. You can simply acknowledge that as fact: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That's true; we only meet once in a while.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it has nothing to do with the beach, you needn't mention the beach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;we came to be with you&quot; is possibly true, but you can't quite assert it since they are going to the beach without you. It seems they may have divided purpose. In which case you can reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'll see you when you get back from the beach.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is your responsibility to make it clear you are not negotiating. If the manipulation and guilt attempts from them make you too weak to say no for long, just leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, you guys are going to the beach? That's a good opportunity for me to return some video tapes/visit my uncle in prison/check out the comic book store/etc. What time will you be back? [they answer] Cool, I'll be home then. [they argue] Well, have fun at the beach, I'll be back around 4.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main point is that they will not drag you to the beach and force you onto the sand. They require your consent. Do not give it. You don't need to be rude, but it sometimes is the faster way to the end of the conversation. Perhaps address that with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am trying to be polite but you are ignoring my wishes. If you continue to ignore my wishes I will begin to ignore your feelings with my replies. I am not going to the beach. I will see you when you return. Is anyone still confused?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastEditorUserId="2382" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T03:34:00.080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T03:34:00.080" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8720" CreationDate="2018-01-03T23:58:37.963" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you just have to explain your reasons and leave it at that. If they are persistent and adamant on you coming. Explain that you have things you would prefer to be doing that will make you a better person. For example I often use that I need to do some work, research or stock research as I am going through a stage where I am trying to excel in my career as a software engineer and also the fact I am starting a family shortly means I need to pay more attention to things that will help the financial security of &quot;my&quot; little family now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason's your family might be adamant on you coming could include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They simply want the whole family together&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't have a lot of friends and want to get you out of the house&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Feel like you waste your time on pointless things forgetting that they make you happy though and are important to you so they force you to come&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Feel like if one of the members of the family is not there and they bump into a family that is all together they might feel shame&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not all those applied to me often but I feel they all did at least once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think my bigger and intermediate family has understood since around the time I got engaged that I have more important things to do in life than just go somewhere for the sake of being around people or family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end though I think there comes a point after high school you just need to almost get into an arguement and just say &lt;strong&gt;NO!&lt;/strong&gt; It might be hard but it works, a few times I wanted to be left at home while they went on trips and it worked fine, some trips especially once I had my own car I would come up for a day or two in the middle of the trip and then leave when I felt I had enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR;&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;You just need to explain yourself once, if they don't understand then you need to tell them off for questioning you and that you have better things that are more important to you to do. In saying that though make sure you actually do otherwise you can feel regret later on because I find despite what it might look like... your family does love you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10913" LastActivityDate="2018-01-03T23:58:37.963" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8724" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-03T23:58:54.253" Score="11" ViewCount="2619" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, I want to apologize if I'm posting this in the wrong site, but I hope this is the right one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question &quot;how to find friends&quot; might be very unclear at the beginning, but it's very common in many forums and most of the answers include things like involving in different communities in order to find people with the same interests, but I don't think that it works for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, let me tell the background information. I am a 16-year-old (I'll be 17 in a few months) kid living in a poor Post-Soviet country (mentioning this so that you understand that many Western standards don't apply here). My hobby is computer programming, I've been learning programming since the age of 12. I'm currently studying computer programming at a vocational high school. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While being 16 years old, I look much younger. I am very weak and skinny, in fact, I don't do any sports at all (that might be one reason why nobody wants to be friends with me). I don't have any friends, I am not outgoing and I always feel alone. Also, I find myself being a busy person that doesn't have time to go out and meet with friends (although I don't have any).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have very good grades at school, but it's not that I am studying a lot after school to get a high grade in tests. In fact, after school I don't dedicate any time for learning, I usually do my homeworks and I'm done. I'm good at remembering certain things, so I'm almost always ready for every test even without preparing. In my class, I am the only one who has a lot of experience in programming (see information about my experience below). Since I have very good grades and I know a lot about programming, nobody really wants to be friends with me at school. This is that kind of a situation when one only wants to be friends with the &quot;cool guys&quot; (people that have bad grades, do stuff like drinking, smoking, etc.). I am not that kind of person. I hate alcohol, smoking and all that kind of stuff. I have asked some people in my age about how they get friends, most of them answer that they go to parties, walk around the streets with their friends at night, smoke with friends (here being a smoker means being cool), etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While still being a high school student, I also have a job as a part-time programmer. I work remotely, so I spend 4-5 hours a day while working. I have school from 8:00 in the morning until 15:00 in the evening. I work from 16:00 until 22:00 (I also count having breaks, eating etc) and I go to bed at 23:00. That is how I usually spend my day. I work because I need money to buy things my mom can't buy me. In fact, my mom is the only one who supports me financially. She gets the minimal salary, so that's clearly not enough to fulfill my needs for me as a teenager and a tech person at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not even trying to brag, but I'm a really good programmer. I know many programming languages, I code better than some people who've been programming for even longer time than me, I often get compliments from other programmers about my skills, I have even won a country-wide programming contest. And since there are no such programmers in my age, it's impossible for me to find programmer friends that would be interested in me (they often want programmer friends that are on the same level as they are). &#xA;If I ever get a chance to make friends (regardless of whether they're programmers or not), they often distance from me because we don't really have anything to talk about. If they ask me &quot;so, what are your hobbies&quot;, all I can answer is programming. Then, if I start explaining them what I do, they are not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am studying in a different city, so I go home every weekend. Rest of the week I spend at a dorm with my roommate, who also happens to be a &quot;cool guy&quot;. At home, my mom is the only person that I can talk to, but we usually don't have anything to talk about either. Since my parents are divorced (my dad lives completely elsewhere and doesn't care about me), she lives with her boyfriend and mostly spends time with him rather than with me. I also have a sister, but she's 23, doesn't live with us, has a boyfriend, so she doesn't have time for me either. And even if we get to talk sometimes, again - we don't have anything to talk about. If she asks me how I am, what I'm doing and when I start telling about my programming stuff, she becomes uninterested and doesn't pay attention to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's much more things I can tell about me, but I think that what I've told is enough to get an understating about how my life works. The reason why I want friends (or at least just one friend; I don't think I'd like having &quot;a million friends&quot;) is that I need someone to talk to, tell them about my problems, about my life (and of course, hear about their lives, problems), someone that would be interested in hearing me out.&#xA;I am so alone, that I often imagine there's another person in the room and talk to them loudly, tell them about my life and my problems, so that I can feel a bit less alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, &lt;strong&gt;how to find friends?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Should I give up programming and do something else? Something, with what it'd be easier to find friends (like music, arts, etc)?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Should I give up my job (and respectively, the extra money I'm getting to fulfill my needs) to get more time after school to engage in social activities?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Should I start being interested in something else (but without giving up programming) so that there's something else I could talk to people about?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I do in this situation? I'm hoping that I'll find a solution to my problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10912" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-07-11T21:53:25.603" LastActivityDate="2019-07-11T21:53:25.603" Title="How to find friends as a programmer (teenager)?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-01-04T11:37:30.257" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-04T00:35:26.383" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Truthfully &lt;strong&gt;NO&lt;/strong&gt; it is not rude. I feel people these days understand that everyone is simply &lt;em&gt;different&lt;/em&gt;. Some people for tonnes of reason's are what other people might call indifferent and don't like being complimented especially infront of certain people or in public. I feel the &quot;some people&quot; understand this for the most part and won't be offended if you deny it in a respectable manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to respectfully decline a compliment would be explaining how you feel about the thing you are being complimented for after the initial declination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But to really answer the question I think it is most important to be entirely honest and truthful. We live in a time at present where people lie (politicians especially, though I will stay on topic haha) and sometimes it is easier to just lie. It is important to be honest and true as it will make you a better person. So as long as you sincerely believe you don't deserve the compliment then I say it is fine to decline. If you are just socially awkward then that is fine too but make sure it is done respectfully and that you are mindful that you are not being entirely truthful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR;&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Be honest and tell the truth, or be mindful that you are not and it is actually effecting you as a person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10913" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T00:35:26.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8726" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8711" CreationDate="2018-01-04T00:40:20.863" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;That was a side plot in the show Six Feet Under actually. The main character's dad, a family mortician, who worked out of his/their own house (place of business) died and they discovered that he had such an apartment for exactly the same reasons you describe. But unlike you was able to keep it a secret; at least to his grave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there any way this might be possible at this stage?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a moot point at this time whether its possible or not. You made it possible the day you signed the second lease. The real question is whether your current or future significant others will accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The current one will feel betrayed even if she believes you and either this will kill the relationship or possibly make it stronger. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any current or future ones will simply question why. With your explanation in hand you will have to give them access (the key) to such abode to show there is no hanky panky going on....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second apartment is simply a more robust man cave. So maybe look into buying a house which has a basement where you can get away; that scenario could be a better option than paying for two apartments. If you still need time away, actually go out of town but tell them as such. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually sympathize with you, there are times I would like to get away....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10914" LastEditorUserId="10914" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T16:29:40.723" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T16:29:40.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8727" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8248" CreationDate="2018-01-04T00:54:58.660" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a first hangout, you could invite them to events related to the subject they teach you as a chance to have an extra &quot;real life lesson&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I saw that The Best Guitarist Ever is going to play in the X pub / the Language-We-Study Academia is promoting a play in that language! What about going there? It looks interesting and I'm sure it can be a great chance to learn!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you get to see them in a different context, which is in itself a good start to frame the relationship in a way other than a student/teacher one. Moreover, you leave them the chance of setting the event as they feel comfortable, from super friendly to super professional and all the shades in between. You may lay more on the professional side with the female teacher to make sure she doesn't misunderstand your intentions; I agree that you may have to be more careful with her that with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember to pay the ticket for them - after all, at least nominally, it's still a lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T00:54:58.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8724" CreationDate="2018-01-04T01:08:26.870" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, never ever give up programming especially if you love it! It is a skill I believe that on a deeper level can make you a better person. Can also improve your problem solving skills in general :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now for a long answer first. People vary on opinion and some will say you need to find programmer friends, others will claim you need to change your job and others might suggest any number of infinite solutions. The only solution I claim is right is happiness. Programming is something you are good at and that is important to have maybe more so than friends, so that has to stay. Now everyone wants friends and we generally want to be around people that are similar because it is more comfortable but you need to understand that with comfort you aren't going to progress or become a better person. So my suggestion would be to actually meet different people from other areas (but still include programmers on that list). Remembering though that no matter what the person does for a job or a hobby as long as they are a good person and you feel like you can actually benefit from a friendship with them and have something to offer in return (which everyone does) then go for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now how to actually find friends. Well it can be daunting and I still ain't perfect at it as I am a programmer as well. But I am getting better every single day and that is partially thanks to my wife who has maybe zero interest in programming. She reminds me from time to time not explicitly but through her own actions and friendships how important they are. The one thing I noticed from her actions is that people don't want your money or your things... they want your time. So if you find someone that is interesting, a good person based on your own judgement, is friendly and forward about something then do two things. One; listen and respond respectfully and helpfully. Two; offer your time or help if they actually require it. So being a programmer if someone is sincerely having problems with there PC and you might be able to help solve it then tell them you can come past tomorrow night and take a look. I think most people will be OK with that and even once there invite you to stay afterwards chat, have a drink and maybe even come the following night for just dinner and no work or other stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You asked if you should find another interest, I think that can be helpful especially if you have &lt;em&gt;mastered&lt;/em&gt; a discipline and feel like you can afford time to something else. But not entirely necessary. I instead try to master my craft and stick to what I enjoy, this means when I am in social situations I now have stuff I can teach them and they have stuff they can teach me. I generally am someone who really enjoys learning and I find that most people do too so I actually quite enjoy talking to people from other disciplines or with other hobbies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also about the loneliness you are experiencing, I would suggest using it. It is a gift, you have time to do things you like. So don't be sad about that. I have a wife who is entirely different and I love dearly that makes me a better person but I still find I miss my alone time which we happily give each other since we are both home people but can be equally sociable. So don't be worried but the next time you meet someone who is extra-friendly (even if they are a little drunk and you aren't going to take advantage sexually) then chat with them and really take interest in the conversation cause someday they might be your forever. That is how my life changed :D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10913" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T01:08:26.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8724" CreationDate="2018-01-04T01:22:56.967" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, in terms of the conversation when you meet someone you might like to be friends with, or even in terms of connecting more with family, acquaintances, etc -- curiosity is key! Just asking questions about what someone is feeling, what they thought about a movie they saw or about anything at all, is a major part of connecting and making friends. Also, reflection and validation -- so if someone tells a story of a difficult experience, you can say &quot;wow, that sounds so intense/painful/etc.&quot; Also, eye contact and a smile when you meet someone. Very simple, but very important. You could practice smiling at strangers from time to time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of where to meet potential friends, that's tricky since I don't know what is available in your area. Are there any study groups or meetups you could attend? Possibly for programmers? Any martial arts classes? Dances? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6638" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T06:11:20.993" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T06:11:20.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8724" CreationDate="2018-01-04T01:31:05.323" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a programmer myself, i even find it hard to make friends within my own course and company that i'm working in. That being said, i understand where you're coming from. (although i am also involved in a little bit of sports)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have acknowledged that people (potential friends, your sister, etc etc) are turned off by you talking about programming, how it works and the like, as such, you should try to only touch on programming briefly and only continue if they show interest or ask more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best bet to find friends would be to look up programming communities or in any field which you find interest. Honestly, the way i made friends was mostly approaching people first and asking about them, i didn't really talk about myself until they have expressed interest in what i do. Also, make your conversations anecdotal, don't get too technical, even i wouldn't want to spend a whole hangout discussing objects and classes ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, touch and go on things about yourself until the other party seems interested, if they never get interested, then i guess they just aren't fitting to be a friend. Win some, lose some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T01:31:05.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8711" CreationDate="2018-01-04T01:54:00.070" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being at the stage of a relationship where you move in together signals that you are in an exclusive, committed relationship.  With such a relationship comes the expectation that you are honest with each other, and do not hold large secrets about your life from each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fulfilling this expectation is what enables trust, a vital part of a committed relationship.  To trust in your partner means that even though you can't prove it, you are satisfied that they are not being dishonest with you.  If it is revealed that one partner has been dishonest about something large, this violates that expectation and would diminish the other partner's ability to trust.  That is, if you know your partner has been dishonest with you, you can no longer be content that they won't be dishonest with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears that right now, your relationship is in a perilous situation.  I also suspect you may be wrong about two key things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That she won't consider the truth to be as bad as cheating on her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That the relationship can withstand this.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first point, I argue that the betrayal of trust from her point of view won't necessarily be lower than if you were actually cheating on her.  While I completely sympathise with needing your time alone, it is also true that you lied to her in order to avoid spending time with her.  Not the way you yourself would see it or explain it to others, but nonetheless true.  What she will fault you for is not that you want time alone but that you went about it by lying about your whereabouts and secretly scheming to hide your behaviour from her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would love to be wrong and for her to feel a sense of relief that you weren't cheating, but my gut is just telling me otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, we come to how to deal with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you will have to be clear with yourself about how the way you went about this was a poor choice, and a betrayal of trust, before discussing it.  Any discussion at this point will be counter-productive if you go into it with the belief that you did nothing wrong or that she should have nothing to be upset about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, go over what you did as truthfully as possible.  It is definitely likely to make things worse if you use her behaviour as justification for what you did or use words like &quot;suffocating&quot;.  While I can identify with the feeling of wanting more alone time, care must be taken not to be seen as defending what you did, lest it be interpreted that you don't think you did anything wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will be dealt with in stages and the first stage will be being as honest as possible about what you did and accepting that she will be upset.  Trying to discuss other possible solutions for getting your own alone time is a later stage and should be saved for later.  Don't get me wrong, it's definitely important, but pick your time - if she is devastated at what she has learned, that needs a chance to heal before going to the next step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastEditorUserId="8884" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T05:39:26.283" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T05:39:26.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8724" CreationDate="2018-01-04T01:55:55.957" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I might understand your position since even though I have friends I too sometimes feel alone and would like to make new ones but I don't know where to go or what to do to accomplish that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have read multiple times in multiple sites that making friends takes time and effort on both parties, it takes time for an acquaintance to become an actual friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you use some of your free time to do a hobby that involves interacting with people, preferably something that gets your interest so you can find people that actually share at least that interest with you, it doesn't necessarily means meeting people in real life, you might like spending some time playing a videogame with a friend overseas, or playing virtual boardgames.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you used your weekend to rest at your mom's house, You may go out and do an activity that involves interacting with people when you are there. I'll give you an example, I'm a magic the gathering player and we are always happy when somebody comes to our local game store saying he wants to learn, this may not be your hobby so you need to find one that: 1) Gets your interest. 2) Involves interacting with people. New people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck my friend, don't give up on programming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2737" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T01:55:55.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8724" CreationDate="2018-01-04T02:03:52.783" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A tough answer is that friendships require time and effort. Youve mentioned that you spend a lot of time in your job which is obviously unavoidable. But it also seems like during the times when you do have time to interact with others, you arent really making the most of the opportunity: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If she asks me how I am, what I'm doing and when I start telling about my programming stuff, she becomes uninterested and doesn't pay attention to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't find programming interesting try a different topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I start being interested in something else (but without giving up programming) so that there's something else I could talk to people about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. You might find statistics about sports to be interesting. The important thing is you have to make an effort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have asked some people in my age about how they get friends, most of them answer that they go to parties, walk around the streets with their friends at night, smoke with friends (here being a smoker means being cool), etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are already talking to people. Do you feel you are making the most of this? You dont have to go to parties or places you feel uncomftorable to talk to people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8960" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T02:03:52.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8724" CreationDate="2018-01-04T02:09:37.823" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know you're in not in the same place as me, culturally - I'm American - but I still think that what I have to say can help. See, you remind me of myself two or three years ago: academically-oriented, not the most athletic type, somewhat socially inept, and passionate about a specific topic. For you, it's programming; for me, it's astronomy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to you to realize one thing right off the bat: You're lucky. Maybe it doesn't seem like that, but you are. You have something that you like and you're good at, you've realized this early on, and you've clearly had the opportunities to make something of your skills. Not everybody gets that chance. But you've had the chance, taken it, and succeeded. You suggest giving up programming and trying something else - &lt;strong&gt;and my response there is a hard &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt; Definitely don't give this up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to ride it, in fact. I started competing in Science Olympiad when I was 14 - doing the Astronomy event, among other things. And it turned out I was really good at something for the first time in my life. I'm guessing you had some sort of similar realization when you first started enjoying programming. It felt good, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you work at something long enough, you find people who are doing the same thing, who are on the same trajectory.&lt;/strong&gt; I started competing in Science Olympiad - focusing on the Astronomy event, but doing some others - my first year of high school. One of my best friends over the next four years did the same, and we ended up taking all the same physics and math classes - and, of course, competing together in Astronomy, once in a while (and we made a good team!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you program - and compete, and study, and work - take time to look at the people around you. Look at your fellow classmates, your coworkers, your fellow competitors. Given where you work and study, there are clearly others who like the same thing you do: programming. Yeah, sure, they may not be up to your level. But if you want to start up a conversation, you'll absolutely have something to start talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I can condense the above a little, here's what I'd say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There are so many people in your life who like what you do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're starting a journey, and some of those people are taking a similar journey. The road is long, but it's easier when it's walked with a friend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start by trying to be friends with the people who are also walking that road. Maybe start the relationship by just talking about programming, and go from there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T02:09:37.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8737" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8694" CreationDate="2018-01-04T04:02:09.403" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are so many possibilities here.  She might not be that interested in you; she might not have any intellectual curiosity about other people or places; she might not have anything to say; she might be distracted by messaging someone else at the same time, she might be 7 years old or 70 and doesn't know what to ask a person your age; she might not be a she at all.  Online relationships are artificial in that you have no context, can't read social clues, and really have no idea who you are texting with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be cultural differences that you have not been made aware of; there may be language differences.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't mention your age, but if you are young person, arbitrarily 14-18, I suggest trying to make friends with people your age in person.  You will have a much better idea of what the person's motivations and interests are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can seem that online friends are easier to talk to, easier to be yourself with, but unless you interact with people in person, you are really just responding to your own projections about this person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You sound like a thoughtful and sincere person, try to make a friend at school or through other people.  It may feel like there is more risk involved in talking to someone in person, but there is actually less risk because you know who you are talking with.  Once you meet someone in person you can get to know them better online if that is your comfort zone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10848" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T04:02:09.403" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8738" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-04T06:00:32.343" Score="21" ViewCount="2483" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/1786/can-we-ask-questions-on-behalf-of-others-e-g-friends&quot;&gt;One of my best friends&lt;/a&gt; had to deal with a creeper at work today. She's a rather attractive young woman, and gets unwanted attention on a fairly regular basis, maybe once every couple of weeks, when she's working in her retail/customer service job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today she was stocking a shelf and noticed a man standing a little too close and staring at her, and in usual customer service mode she asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I help you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To which he responded:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, I was just distracted by your hips and &lt;em&gt;expletive deleted&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obviously way out of line and most people would know better...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She often tells me about dealing with creepers when she's at work. My usual response is to recommend having them thrown out of the store. More, or less, tell your boss and ask them to have the customer removed. She's hesitant to do that, because there's only so often you can call the police to run off obnoxious customers before it starts to look bad for the business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can't be openly rude either, because that puts her job at risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to recommend... It seems wrong to have to simply &quot;deal with it&quot; and walk away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a customer service appropriate way to tell customers they've crossed the line?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T06:18:34.373" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T08:05:31.553" Title="Dealing with sexual comments from customers" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8694" CreationDate="2018-01-04T06:13:17.960" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;“An entertainment service” - Think about that. There is a concept called social credit, we naturally build it by helping others and engaging in small talk etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to be in a situation where you are investing a lot, without reciprocity.  She just seems to like attention, and it could be yours or anyone else's. If she would be kind, and that is a precondition for friendship, she would show interest in you. A genuine interest isn’t that what friendship is about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When do you call someone a (real) friend? Is she just as interested to chat with you specifically, as you are to chat with her? If you read more into the chats than what is on the screen, in the long run, this ‘friendship’ can be very disappointing. As a test, I suggest measuring the time it takes for her to contact you, while you don’t contact her. I’ve tried this on many so-called friends IRL and many could never pass this simple test. Be kind, but don’t invest too much social credit in self-centred individuals. There will be no return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6244" LastEditorUserId="6244" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T17:45:14.470" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T17:45:14.470" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6080" CreationDate="2018-01-04T06:43:43.853" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a pool swimmer. Female. Nothing like this has ever happened to me in the pool, but it did once with the guy who hands out towels and locker keys, etc.  I went to the office and complained and later that day got a call from the complex's attorney with an apology and his direct number if it happened again.  It didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize this is not your situation, but I have to believe that every sports complex, Y, JCC, neighborhood community association, has some kind of manager.  Even after the fact, you should meet with that person and describe in detail what is happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the mean time, for safe night swimming, swim in the lane directly in front of the guard stand.  If someone is in the lane already, ask to split the lane or swim circles (not the best I agree, and you may need to explain why); and talk to the guard and ask for his or her help by keeping an eye out for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of the guy telling you to get a room, pop into his lane and ask for his help.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't use the hot tub.  At every pool I've ever used, even with dedicated lap swimmers using the pool, there are always people looking to make an earth connection in the hot tub. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate that the onus seems to be on you to modify your behavior.  Please ask for help, from the guard, the manager, or the lawyer. Don't go this alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it were me, and if none of these people were willing to get this creep banned from the facility, I would seriously think about changing my hours or changing my pool.  I'm really sorry, you shouldn't have to do either, even if you can.  But this is a dangerous situation and you trying to manage it by yourself could result in something even worse happening. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please watch your back in the parking lot.  Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10848" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T06:43:43.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8724" CreationDate="2018-01-04T07:21:35.823" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see a lot of myself in you as I were younger, just as others had mentioned, you're not alone. But I lack of this beautiful skill you're given. If you're good at it, and you seem to be, this should give you an opportunity to get a well-paid job and live a better life. Don't throw that gift away.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just wanted to add something to the previous answers, which are good but miss a specific point in your situation: your time. While your life is now divided in 3 time consuming, but essential parts - school, work, sleep - there is no time left to find and actively participate in another hobby. Of course you could spend the weekends. But it might be easier to find someone to befriend with in your every day life. Maybe there is another lonely student in the yard or alone at a table in your cafeteria at school? Or do you have contact to your coworkers? Maybe an online programming community would work fine. For me as a teenager, an online chat was everything I could get then - and it was enough. I even met my further husband while playing an MMO-Game. There might be someone to fulfill your social needs, too. Good Luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8597" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T07:21:35.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8738" CreationDate="2018-01-04T07:38:50.417" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, it is great that your friend realises that there are some cases where it is necessary to leave and seek the manager/police. However, for the times that she would choose otherwise, I would say that telling the customer to stop that kind of behaviour is the appropriate customer service way to deal with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your concern about it feeling wrong for her to have to deal with it and walk away is most certainly valid. It is her workplace and nobody should be required to accept harassment. That being said, there are plenty of wrong ways to deal with customers like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have worked in a restaurant and med-tech position both occasionally dealing with customers. From this I learnt (and I think its a common understanding) that as an employee, we do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; have to just accept this, but when dealing with it, we should try to do it in a professional way that is not going to damage your or the businesses reputation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the goal of her response to a customer like this is to get them to &lt;strong&gt;stop&lt;/strong&gt; their behaviour while minimising the risk of them storming out/getting upset as your friend remains calm and professional. To do this it is important that her response focuses on the behaviour that was exhibited, and not the offender themselves. Focusing on this makes it less personal and so they will be less likely to feel attacked. A simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please refrain from using comments like that with the staff at X&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is one example of a response that tells the customer that the comment was not okay, but also is shutting down the interaction as quickly as possible with (relatively) low risk of escalation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T23:44:54.287" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T23:44:54.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-04T07:44:13.970" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The 'autism' tag is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;extremely relevant here&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and your self-description as autistic gives us a major clue &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you would feel like denying a compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am no expert on autism but have read in multiple places that some persons with autism give much importance to the &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=autism+literal+statements&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;literal truth&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; of a statement. Example: it's a nasty rainy day and for some reason&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;a random stranger says: &quot;nice weather ain't it!&quot; (may be either an innocent social statement or a sarcastic/ ironic comment); &#xA;  a person with autism &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; say in response&#xA;  : &quot;no, it's nasty wet weather.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that context your question is very relevant because, as noted by so many previous answers here, denying a compliment in a direct way (because you consider the statement literally untrue) can be interpreted as needlessly ill-mannered in certain cultures including Europe and USA. Whereas a humble self-deprecating 'denial' is actually expected in many Asian cultures! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, may I suggest that along with understanding &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you might feel like denying the compliment, you would also find it useful to think about &lt;em&gt;why people pay someone a compliment in the first place&lt;/em&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;paying someone a compliment is a typical social behavior aimed at expressing appreciation and being nice to people, which is a basic human need. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Compliments are also the &quot;currency&quot; of niceness and serve as building blocks of social bonding. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Moreover, the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=%22need+for+approval%22+social+interaction&amp;amp;&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;need for approval&lt;/a&gt; is a very strong motivating factor for most individuals engaging in interpersonal interactions, and compliments are a major means of providing that (reward of) social approval. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In short, giving and receiving compliments is an important form of  friendly social interaction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So people either really appreciate you or your work -- there's a very high chance of that -- or else they want to be nice, which is a typical friendly action. In both cases it is socially useful and 'expected' behavior to accept the compliment either non-verbally with a nod and a smile, or verbally with a simple &quot;thanks.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However, if you feel like denying it politely, there is a classic response:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;thanks, but you are &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; kind!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No need to explain why. Thus you can &lt;a href=&quot;https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;have your cake and eat it too&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T08:43:41.800" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T08:43:41.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8694" CreationDate="2018-01-04T08:03:02.033" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Other answers seem to be suggesting it's something negative from her side, like she's not interested etc. Alternative explanation would be that she feels her social status is lower than yours, which would make her hold back and let you lead the relationship, so you wouldn't feel she is taking too much space in your life and being annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if I get along well in my workplace with someone who has a higher position than I, I might not be as active in forming the relationship, because I feel I shouldn't be bothering such an important person. On the other hand this behavior can also be subconscious, for example if someone is very &quot;cool&quot; person, more stylish than I, has better job, is very popular etc., I would be happy to be with her whenever he/she initiates the contact, but I don't feel like I have &quot;right&quot; to initiate the contact and possibly bother him/her doing something more important and being with more important people. (I think this kind of thinking might be typical for people who have been bullied a lot, so if you can't relate, maybe discuss with someone who has experienced bullying for years.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I come to think about it for some reason, I might change my behavior. But being active is not something that comes naturally if someone has higher social status than I, so I need something to make me realize he/she really wants to be my friend and that I am allowed to be initiative and he/she will be happy if I do, instead of being bothered and annoyed. So if this is the case, what you can do is to tell her in a friendly way you would appreciate if she was more initiative. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="220" LastEditorUserId="220" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T08:27:46.843" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T08:27:46.843" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8724" CreationDate="2018-01-04T08:30:19.020" Score="0" Body="&lt;h3&gt;To program or not&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I give up programming and do something else? Something, with what it'd be easier to find friends (like music, arts, etc)?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems like an extreme response to the problem.  And it might not work.  Yes, you will find many more outgoing people in music or the arts, but you won't necessarily interact with them more.  Instead, they will do &quot;cool&quot; things with each other rather than you.  Because almost certainly a big part of the issue is you.  You don't sound like the kind of person who is outgoing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not because of programming.  It is more likely that the causality goes the other way.  You like programming because you are not outgoing.  You are an introvert.  Me too.  Probably true of many people on Stack Exchange, where the most popular site is about programming.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't like programming, then that is different.  But I wouldn't put social issues on programming.  They are correlated, but it seems unlikely that the programming causes the social issues.  It is more likely that introversion lead to both programming and social issues.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Working&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;While still being a high school student, I also have a job as a part-time programmer. I work remotely, so I spend 4-5 hours a day while working.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer remote work myself, but it sounds like you don't.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider talking to a teacher at school.  Perhaps one of your teachers knows of a job where you could go in the evenings.  I would try explaining the problem (difficulty finding friends).  A teacher might be able to suggest places where you could work and spend time with other people.  This could still be programming.  But perhaps you could work on a program where you actually meet the users.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also might be easier in college.  At a university, you might find that they had researchers who would need help with programs to assist in their research.  But I'd at least try with a teacher or three at school.  They might have better suggestions than I could make.  And maybe they know other students like you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Going home too often?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to have very limited free time.  Essentially none for five days a week.  Have you considered going to your mother's less frequently?  Perhaps every other weekend.  Then you could do things near school on the weekend.  For example, you might get a second job or a hobby.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, keep going home every weekend but get a job or hobby to do there.  Preferably something social.  If you attend religious services, you might talk to your priest (or whatever title) about this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider being a cook or something on the weekend.  A part time job where there are other people.  If you like music or art, consider getting a job near music or art.  A museum?  Somewhere with live music?  You will get a little bit of money and spend time around other people.  Perhaps one of them might be a friend.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you work at a job for a month or so without meeting a good candidate for a friend, consider finding a different job.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Your sister&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If she asks me how I am, what I'm doing and when I start telling about my programming stuff, she becomes uninterested and doesn't pay attention to me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I take it that the reason why you are talking to your sister about programming stuff is that she asked what you are doing and that's what you are doing.  That's probably an overly literal interpretation of the question.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider instead telling her that you are studying how people make friends.  That's a natural segue to talking about how she makes or made friends.  Perhaps she will have some useful advice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Longer term, consider starting a journal.  In your journal, try to think about one thing that happened during the day that your sister would find interesting.  If nothing seems that great, just put in the best one.  Leave extra room on the page, as you'll have more to write later.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you know you're going to see your sister, go through the journal and pick out some topics for conversation.  After talking to her, add comments to the pages that you discussed.  Did she like that topic?  Did she discuss it avidly?  Or did it bore her like programming?  Over time, when writing in your journal, try to focus more on the subjects where she responded well and less on subjects where she didn't.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, responded &quot;well&quot; does not necessarily mean positively.  You are looking to start conversations.  So if she says, &quot;That's disgusting,&quot; but then starts a conversation about it, that's &quot;well&quot; for our purpose here.  If she says, &quot;That's great,&quot; but then abandons the conversation, that's not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to limit this to your sister.  But this seems well applicable to her, as you see her infrequently.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could do the same thing with your roommate.  Try to share one observation a day that you think will interest him.  Try to get better and better at finding the ones that will interest him and the best times for discussion.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It helps if you can find topics that interest both of you.  If your eyes glaze over and you drop out of the conversation, it is unlikely to last.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Open source&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've made some friends or at least convivial acquaintances on open source projects.  You can also find programming work there that you can do remotely.  And some projects lend themselves to meeting people face to face as well.  For example, open source projects that need to be configured.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or perhaps you could offer technical help for people trying to use things like GIMP (Graphical IMage Processor) or an open source music manager for DJs.  Not quite programming but still tech-based.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastEditorUserId="6371" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T09:18:25.230" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T09:18:25.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8748" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8724" CreationDate="2018-01-04T09:19:39.680" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;About the &quot;cool guys syndrome&quot;: It might comfort you knowing, that there are people like you. It's just harder to find them, because as you said, you dont have lots of time to meet new people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I've met people like you (also Programmers), but they are rare. They give the best friends tho. They will probably appear in university when your a bit more mature (and they are a bit more mature. Your classmates are not as into life as you are, youre working already. Thats a huge difference.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe go to programmer meetups, where people sit together, develop, and talk about programming. Are there such events in your country?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5726" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T09:19:39.680" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-04T09:46:13.077" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;It's rude to deny a compliment, in the Netherlands.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, just swallow your opinion and say: &lt;code&gt;&quot;Thank you.&quot; or &quot;Dank je.&quot;&lt;/code&gt;. Nothing more is needed. If you a appreciate the help you have gotten from others, you can give them praise as well. Things like: &lt;code&gt;&quot;I have had help from ...&quot;&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is this so? Dutch culture, in the east and north more so then the south and west, is direct and to the point. Praise is earned, with hard work. Some one went out of their way to compliment you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you might not agree to others praise: you might still see (mayor) flaws in what you have made. Some one else might have done it better. But they did not do so. (or even if they did it better) Your opinion on the compliment might be right. Their compliment does not change the actual product. File the compliment somewhere, and unless you care about the persons opinion you leave it there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Source: Dutch myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6601" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T09:46:13.077" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8750" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8738" CreationDate="2018-01-04T10:37:03.280" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Places where I have worked are zero tolerance for this, and wording such as &quot;You are no longer welcome here. Leave now before I call security&quot; would be much firmer. Yes, it is escalation, but it gives a very direct message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your workplace may have to decide where the line is, and below that you can provide a customer service appropriate way to respond, but in my opinion, the scenario you have described means the customer has forfeited the right to be a customer and is now just an offensive individual and should be ejected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T10:37:03.280" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8751" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8738" CreationDate="2018-01-04T12:24:56.433" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What your friend has to do is up to her and to her boss. She should talk to her boss so he can answer the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What the customer did is wrong and should never be tolerated, but neither should the &quot;smaller&quot; offences. What to do in which case is something she has to ask her employer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might be not the only one in the store that has to deal with it.&#xA;Talking with her employer might result in a general approach for the employees in case of a sexist or racist comment/action from a customer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4725" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T14:05:54.627" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T14:05:54.627" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8738" CreationDate="2018-01-04T12:49:35.850" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an immediate reaction, I’d recommend...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is a department store, I am the shop assistant, you are a customer. Please behave as appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;lt; Delivered with firm stand, no smile, slow and rhythmic speech, eye contact, still head and face apart from slowly nodding to the rhythm of the words &gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Please feel free to correct me with the English terms, if necessary).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Metaphorically speaking, the customer in OP’s example acted as if the “background scenery” (context) was a movie in which such behaviors always lead to gratification, or a hookup-guide from the 70ies ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea of the above response is to bring back into awareness the real  “background scenery”, thus highlighting the mismatch of context and behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Psychologically, this technique aims at stimulating self-corrective processes occurring when a mismatch of behavior and context comes into awareness - shame. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In contrast to calling out the behavior (“This is a sexist remark!”) or defining the person by this behavior (“creepy pig!”), this technique tends to create less resistance and leave a door open for returning to normal. Self-corrective processes tend to be more effective and generative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, there might be cases when talking time is over, and other measures are to be taken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="9437" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T14:41:37.140" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T14:41:37.140" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8755" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8738" CreationDate="2018-01-04T14:27:33.270" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll omit the shpeel about how to escalate the matter, since that has been covered in other answers. You can certainly do that, but if she threatens to call security as a threat and the individual calls her bluff and no one comes to escort them out, that's only going to make them feel more powerful. I would only flaunt security threats if they can be followed through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One method I've seen others use that has been handy is to have a manager or coworker on board to assist targets of harassment. Here's an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Mary is at the register when a customer approaches her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Customer starts making inappropriate remarks that make Mary feel very uncomfortable&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Mary calmly signals a coworker who is aware of the harassment she receives (if verbal cues are necessary, asking a coworker &amp;quot;Bob, could you take over this register for me for a moment? I need to take care of something in the back&amp;quot; can be effective)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*The coworker takes Mary's place at the register (or whatever other duty she is performing), and Mary goes to the back of the store (or some other off-limits to customer) location until the individual leaves&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key in this situation is for Mary to not give the customer the time of day. Do not indulge them. The role swapping with another coworker should be done calmly and naturally, as if it would be happening even if the customer were not being impolite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My experience is that it's important to have a team looking out for you, and to take care of each other when you can. Telling the individuals at fault that &amp;quot;they're being inappropriate&amp;quot; is exciting for them. They want you to want them to leave. They want to feel like they're in power over you. Having you tell them to stop, and not being able to follow up on having them removed by the police, only empowers their behavior because they're getting away with it. It's much safer to have coworkers that will have her back, and I think she should talk to the people she often works shifts with about doing such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; I also just wanted to add in that calmly and promptly removing yourself from the situation without acknowledging them or showing any fear of them isn't as much fun for them, and they are less likely to return to do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T14:36:09.923" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-04T14:35:45.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you may be misinterpreting the purpose of a compliment a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically, people give compliments because they want to make the other person feel good about themselves (I often give compliments I know aren't strictly accurate because I know hearing it would make the other person happy). You said in a comment, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I just feel like I didn't earn the compliment, so I don't feel comfortable with it&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, but lets look at an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone says &quot;good job on making that website&quot;, I don't think they're necessarily saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;this is an objectively impressive thing you've done&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but rather:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I want you to know I think you've done something impressive.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is (I think) a subtle but pretty big difference. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's true that you could argue you haven't done something impressive. However, you can't argue that they shouldn't want to tell you that you have. That part &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; objectively true, and honestly, if you responded with &quot;you shouldn't want to tell me that&quot;, that might be a little rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that sense, it's hard to say you didn't &quot;earn&quot; a compliment, because compliments aren't strictly attached to merit. In a weird way, if someone gives you a compliment, that means you've already earned it; you've already done something that makes that person want you to feel good about yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, I think it's ok to deny that your accomplishment is as impressive as they're saying. However, this can't be done by denying that you &quot;deserve&quot; a compliment at all, and it can't be done too often. It's important to be mindful of why this person is giving you a compliment. Most of the time, you'll find it isn't to make an objective fact about you. Rather, it's to make you feel good about yourself, and usually getting mired down in whether or not you've done something &quot;worthy&quot; of feeling good is missing the point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T14:35:45.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8719" CreationDate="2018-01-04T15:49:25.653" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, what is the best way to ask this person about attending my party without making him feel obligated or pressured?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make it personal. Confirm attendance with the group as a whole (mass email or social media page) with something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Here's a list of the ones who have confirmed they're coming to my party. If you're not on the list but would like to be at the party, please let me know. (list of names)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T15:49:25.653" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8759" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8762" CreationDate="2018-01-04T15:52:54.857" Score="87" ViewCount="39214" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, a (male) coworker of mine has the annoying habit of scanning my (female) body each time he walks by. By &quot;scanning&quot; I mean he's looking me up and down; essentially making it clear he is looking at my entire body. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time this happens while I am boiling some water to make myself a tea, and each time it feels as if he believed I am nothing but a piece of meat. I didn't see him doing it to other female coworkers, but the other two are in some other part of the building. I have never seem him doing this to men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, the clothing I wear is as covering as I can wear without appearing strange (no kendo clothing!). Like there is nothing interesting/sexy to see there, especially not if it's like the 100th time you scanned my body.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have tried so far is to avoid him, which helped a bit. I haven't mentioned it directly to him yet and it's possible he's unaware he's doing it.  If he did it only at the beginning, I wouldn't even remember, but it's each time he sees me if I'm not obviously looking directly at him. I'm not 100% sure this is sexualised harassment, but it's very annoying in any case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, next time he does this I want him to know I notice he is doing this, that he is creeping me out with his attitude, and especially I want him to stop. How can I best approach this? In part I want to make it difficult for him to make excuses later like &quot;he didn't know that was bothering me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T23:10:14.133" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T22:18:55.640" Title="Coworker scans my body. How to best tell him to stop?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7661" CreationDate="2018-01-04T15:53:03.423" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, he confessed to me he had 3 beers at the party, and he wasn't sleepy but halfway drunk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't push him for that information, he told me out of the blue&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From this I can tell your brother wanted some kind of feedback from you. Maybe it was his first time drinking beer without parental consent. Maybe he felt guilty or maybe he was seeking approval. Or perhaps it was something he was that proud of that he felt he needed to say. Note however that if he was halfway drunk he might have drank more than 3 beers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I express my concerns about my underage brother drinking alcoholic beverages to him without sounding like I'm his mom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is your goal to express your concerns, or is your goal to safeguard your brother from drinking too much and falling into the canal? They are different goals, and you can change behaviors of others without verbally expressing your concerns.(Sometimes expressing your concern to someone, like you're their mom, can have the opposite effect when they feel their freedom is threatened. This phenomenon is also known as &amp;quot;reactance&amp;quot;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two concepts that are important:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Attitude: If your brother has a positive attitude towards alcohol he is more likely to binge drink. Positive attitudes come from positive feelings and thoughts. If your brother associates alcohol consumption with being cool or being an adult or belonging to his peers, then he is more likely to drink. If his peers drink a lot he is more likely to do so. When his parents allowed him to drink at a young age, he is more likely to drink, because of the perceived harm reduction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To change his attitude you should make him aware that it is not cool to drink. You could for example quit drinking yourself which sends a strong message that drinking is not something which makes you a better person. You can verbally express that drinking is not something that makes you a grown-up. You do not have to address your brother directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ability: Besides inducing opposing attitudes, your brother should have the ability to change his behavior. If all of his friends drink a beer each hour, he's likely to succumb. You could give your brother hints to drink a soda first before starting to drink beer. This will sent a message to his friends that he chooses to drink what he likes, and they can choose whatever they want to drink themselves. The feeling of empowerment will make him more in control and a create a positive attitude towards controlling his drinking behavior. You can show this behavior yourself to him whenever you go to a terrace or bar. Or tell him directly when you were with your friends that you told them &amp;quot;I'm not drinking tonight.&amp;quot; Then your friends started nagging &amp;quot;Why are you not drinking?&amp;quot; you stood tall and said &amp;quot;I don't feel like it&amp;quot; and just switched the topic. This way you can communicate to your brother skills of how to be in control of his own behavior without directing your brother's behavior directly. Tying positive consequences to performing the behavioral skills increases the motivation and likelihood of performing the skills thereby strengthening them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you should know that this problem might solve itself over time. At age 16 people want to experience stuff. They may have difficulty to control their behavior, and may have difficulty to say no. You can support him by giving him to tools to perform more mature behavior, and expressing the values you hold which your brother of course is allowed to disagree with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: I don't know your brother. These are just general tips. For better help you might want to check out health care organizations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T15:53:03.423" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8761" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-04T16:08:23.287" Score="49" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell him straight&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know you're staring at me, don't you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or the well-used option&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My eyes are up here&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or just look at him while he's looking at you.  Sooner or later, he'll see that you know he's staring at you and start feeling uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting embarrassed into admitting the obvious sometimes does wonders, and being so straight about it should shake something into him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T16:08:23.287" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-04T16:17:05.473" Score="147" Body="&lt;p&gt;In these situations you want to put people on the spot without setting them on fire (because being too confrontational in the workplace can be an issue).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you see him doing this, I'd say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Excuse me, can I help you?&amp;quot; (Or even without the 'excuse me' bit if you just want to be direct)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Um... No, I'm just passing through.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Okay. I noticed you were looking at me, so it seemed like you needed something,&amp;quot; and proceed to go back to doing what you were doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you say it, say it &lt;em&gt;confidently&lt;/em&gt;. Say it as though you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; grilling him, because you kind of are. The point is to give off the vibe of &amp;quot;I'm frustrated with you, and I'm making you aware of it&amp;quot; without putting yourself in an even more vulnerable position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the embarrassment of being blatantly addressed doesn't deter him and he keeps doing this, you'll need to be more direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;My eyes are up here,&amp;quot; or another similar comment that blatantly expresses to him to quit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing you are able to do can deter his behavior, I'd recommend speaking to someone in your company's HR department. They're meant to handle disputes and uncomfortable situations, and it's their role to make sure their workplace is a safe and comfortable space for everyone to minimize legal risk that can result from sexual harassment. They might even be able to help you find more appropriate seating or location arrangements within your building.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Editors Note&lt;/strong&gt;: As can be seen in the chat discussion linked below, every company can contain wildly varying HR policies. Some can be very helpful and understanding, while others might be more cold and distant. Weigh the pros and cons, you probably know your company best. However, I will say that if he doesn't stop at &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; request, your only other options are to try using HR as a resource or leave your job for a better environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T19:58:54.547" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-04T16:17:30.953" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a (male) coworker of mine has the annoying habit of scanning my (female) body each time he walks by&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems like improper behavior to me. Even when it is the other way around: a woman scanning a man's body for the 100th time. I can imagine this would make you feel self-conscious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think, but this may depend on the country you're living in, you firmly utter a rhetorical question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;coworker: [&lt;em&gt;scanning body&lt;/em&gt;]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you: What are you looking at?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you: &lt;em&gt;[angrily scanning body]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even scan his body back to make clear what you mean. If he still doesn't get it, you might want to discuss it with your boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T21:34:00.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8764" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8738" CreationDate="2018-01-04T16:42:32.673" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, management should be notified every time this occurs, even if after the fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, the wordless &quot;icy glare&quot; is effective.  Awkward silence works wonders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;failing that, a stern &quot;MAY I HELP YOU&quot; with a frown and glare works wonders as well.  Add an eye roll for added effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't react in any way that shows that you are flustered or upset, that only feeds them.  However, anything that conveys bored, mildly irritated, or shaming is quite effective.  You want to show displeasure and boredom, not fear, revulsion or outrage.  It's the best way to deal with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel the least bit in danger, call security immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T16:42:32.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8765" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8711" CreationDate="2018-01-04T16:44:27.047" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now my girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her and I don't know what to do. I fear she'll leave me but I just want to find a good way to explain to her my need for alone time without hurting her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to start being honest with her, apologize and admit the mistake.  Over a life-time, relationships have to be able to survive all kinds of stresses.  I'm a little concerned about the way you are expressing yourself -- you are afraid she will leave you, and want to find some way to express yourself to prevent that.  You can't control other people's emotions or reactions, and you have to be prepared for a bad reaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe one way to explain the situation is to take her to the apartment and show her what it's about.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe a better way is to go together to relationship therapy, so you can each learn to talk to each other about difficult things, and also to learn how to how to address each other's needs.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10939" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T19:11:58.257" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T19:11:58.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-04T16:47:04.397" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd try to embarrass him out of it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make eye contact and look annoyed, this should be enough for most normal people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still persists, address him directly in a playful tone when (preferably) someone's around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Eyes up here bud&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it still carries on, ask him to stop directly and tell him it makes you uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still does it after all that, go through your workplaces HR channels and procedures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T16:47:04.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8767" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8771" CreationDate="2018-01-04T17:12:46.763" Score="4" ViewCount="899" Body="&lt;p&gt;A bunch of my coworkers started a diet as part of their New Year's resolutions. I don't have much in common with most of them, and often have trouble finding topics for small talk. Since dieting is all the rage around my office, I figure that would be an easy thing to bring up, but I'm unsure how to go about it, as it &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be a sensitive subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the best way to ask someone how they are doing with their diet(s)?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have both male and female coworkers I could talk to about this, and some of them have started the same diet. Not sure if they're a team or if it's coincidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8878" LastEditorUserId="8878" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T17:46:30.417" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T18:20:19.753" Title="How to ask someone how their diet is going" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8768" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-04T17:24:15.837" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tl;Dr&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The party is dedicated for &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; to have a good time with &lt;strong&gt;your friends&lt;/strong&gt;. What happens is up to &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;your friends&lt;/strong&gt;. No stranger, whoever they are, is entitled even to bring suggestions. Period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a chance to have a good time and good memories. If you miss that you won't have it for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if it apply to any country but The best man [I don't know the proper feminine synonyme, feel free to edit] usually organises the stag/hen party. It is very common, that the best man is also the best friend of groom/bride.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stag party is dedicated for groom; and his friends, by the way. Hen party is dedicated for bride; and her friends, by the way. What one person enjoys, the second one doesn't care about at all and the third hates, no matter what we are talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All together, don't avoid the stag/hen party, find the organiser you trust. They should plan it to fit &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; preferences and invite the rest of the party to make a legen - wait for it! - dary night. If you like strip clubs, so be it. If you prefer weekend on a race track, so be it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this tradition came from the idea, that after the ceremony, bride and groom shall care for the other's preferences and enjoy the life together. The night before is the very last night when they don't need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T17:24:15.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8767" CreationDate="2018-01-04T18:08:36.630" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd be careful here.  If it's someone you don't know well, and they aren't talking about it, I'd steer clear of this topic of conversation.  Put yourself in their position: out of the blue, someone you don't know very well asks &quot;How's the diet going?&quot;  Especially if you don't have a lot of other things to talk about, that can hurt interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A better way to start a conversation would be to talk about New Year's resolutions.  People talk freely about them, and then you can ask (if they say something about a diet) how that is going.  Even asking &quot;So, did you make any New Year's resolutions?  How are those going?&quot; would be a less risky move than talking about a diet.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T18:08:36.630" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8767" CreationDate="2018-01-04T18:20:19.753" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of asking &lt;em&gt;how their diet is going&lt;/em&gt; (because this can imply you mean 'How much weight have you lost?), I'd recommend saying something like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I heard you guys were trying out the &lt;strong&gt;ketogenic&lt;/strong&gt; (replace with whatever fad diet name it is) diet. Do you like it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you're only asking for an opinion from someone and giving &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; the option of how much to share with you. Additionally, asking for someones opinion on a topic is a great way to make small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As another note, try to think of a generic comment you can make from your own point of view to show that you're not trying to pry.  For example, the ketogenic diet involves minimal carb intake, so I would say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I heard you guys were trying out the ketogenic diet. Do you like it? It sounds interesting but I might love pasta too much for that!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts the interest of the topic into them talking about the diet and not explicitly about their personal weight goals/achievements that they might not feel comfortable sharing with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T18:20:19.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8772" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-04T18:28:22.097" Score="3" ViewCount="1743" Body="&lt;p&gt;Little bit of backstory: My colleague gave me a fancy looking chocolate (not a whole box) which I accepted saying &quot;Thank you!&quot; but then she asked &quot;You are not asking, what's the occasion?&quot;. I did ask for the occasion afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Was I rude for not asking occasion before receiving&lt;/em&gt; as my understanding was that the person sharing chocolates should give reason for sharing. For example in case of my birthday, I would say &quot;it's my birthday&quot; while sharing chocolates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, should I have asked for reason first or the person sharing chocolate should give reason while sharing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5987" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T19:14:22.833" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T08:14:16.820" Title="Is it rude to not ask for a reason first when receiving a gift (chocolate) from a colleague?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;nepal&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2018-11-15T14:55:17.927" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8774" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8793" CreationDate="2018-01-04T18:38:52.947" Score="12" ViewCount="1130" Body="&lt;p&gt;English is my native language but I live in France and sometimes I speak English to friends who are non-native speakers. Often people will pronounce words wrong or use a word in a strange way and I am not sure whether it’s a good idea to correct them, sometimes even if they have explicitly asked me to help them with their English. I know from experience going in the other direction that I really appreciate it when people help me with my French, but at the same time I find it quite frustrating if I am trying to make a point and the conversation gets derailed to be about language. Also if I get corrected too often I get flummoxed and forget how to speak entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a good way to help people with their English during a normal conversation without being a pain in the arse?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10941" LastEditorUserId="10941" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T18:44:25.387" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T17:41:48.387" Title="Correcting non-native speakers’ language" Tags="&lt;language&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3744" CreationDate="2018-01-04T18:39:37.030" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact seems to be that no harm besides your own hurt feeling--perhaps because you &quot;feel&quot; you should feel hurt--should have allayed your concern at some point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have ascribed the characterization, backhanded compliment, without any indication that such comments by your superior on the job is not simply being friendly owing to his own propensity for understatement and camaraderie. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all of the instances you described, the compliment seemed genuine, but attributed to someone other than the one passing along the information to you. For some people there is a predilection for passing along information abstrusely for fear of being held to account for same. Your friendly &quot;employer&quot; could be such a person; and the fact of his superior (i.e., circumspect) position (within the fish bowl and under constant observation, so to speak) makes it more likely that he would communicate compliments in such a fashion if for no other reason than to distance himself from whatever consequence might arise from the complimentary information getting back to its source; or to a rival of the source. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that any &quot;employer&quot; has to contend not only with how you might respond to information, but also how everyone else might respond...or react. My guess is that your &quot;employer's&quot; 'light-hearted-but' way of interacting with you was also influenced by a perceived need, and ingrained habit thereof, not to overstep fraternization prohibitions, actual or implicit.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10943" LastEditorUserId="10943" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T19:39:48.780" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T19:39:48.780" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8772" CreationDate="2018-01-04T18:46:38.037" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simply thanking the giver of a gift is sufficient. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they would like to tell you their reason for giving it, that's their decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are really curious about the reason, you could ask, as long as you thank them for the gift first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(US context)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9278" LastEditorUserId="9278" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T19:13:59.010" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T19:13:59.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8777" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-04T18:53:25.740" Score="1" ViewCount="1033" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been working as a military contractor for the past four years for a company that has treated me very well.  This past year they were very supportive and reimbursed my travel and training costs for the PMP certification, sent me to the .conf and Splunk University in DC and gave me a bonus for getting my CISM certification earlier in the year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a lot of loyalty to these folks.  That said, I also have been trained up significantly and there are recruiters calling on me regularly with offers of 40 to 50 thousand dollars beyond what I am currently making.  I want to stay with this company but with kids that have special needs and one of them accepted to an Ivy League college, I cannot justify turning away the higher paying positions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I phrase a request for a raise so that the reality of the market is part of it without sounding like a threat to leave?  My thoughts are I can sign a multi-year commitment if they are willing to meet my price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10944" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T19:00:20.253" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T20:14:54.567" Title="Asking for Raise after training and certifications" Tags="&lt;training&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8780" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-04T19:01:28.793" Score="15" ViewCount="825" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR;&lt;/strong&gt; How to handle bullying partner in a group discussion where he is bullying and degrading his partner in plain sight of everybody?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation is some time past me, but is still nagging me, because I was very uncertain on how to react, and I still am. Also, it was already the second time I didn't know how to react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation:&lt;/strong&gt; BBQ in our Garden. 2 or 3 other couples with kids are there as well. We know each other because our kids share the same kindergarden. Not some precious and old relationship, but since the kid of Alice and Bart is best friends with our kid, we developed some kind of friendly relation towards Alice. When the food was served it came to my attention that Bart was always degrading his wife Alice in front of the entire group, who all knew each other at a basic level. Especially announcing foreign heritage, and how she should at least use it to teach their kid an additional language. And that she was not able to take care of her self, and how clumsy she was, and how embarrassing on another occasion, and how she could not speak the language well. (I can't tell that she is not a native speaker) This was not the only incident he used to pressure her in front of all others, and you could really feel the awkwardness gaining control of everyone else. I sort of spoke up, but not in the way I intended, or that I deemed neccessary. I gave a slight sign of disaffirmation and then switched the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later on my partner and me discussed this, and we couldn't find a satisfying solution to this. Is it right to &lt;strong&gt;confront the bully&lt;/strong&gt; in the moment he is bullying and to stand up? How to weigh &lt;strong&gt;victimizing Alice&lt;/strong&gt; in this situation? She might feel weak and like not being able to take care of her self. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not trying to be their defender, or fight their fights for them. But it is a kind of behavior that I totally despise and that I think is totally unacceptable. No one should talk to somebody else in that manner, and given that this was their &quot;beloved&quot; partner, who was attacking (Especially when being the host...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The very first incident was another neighbour who told his partner how thankful she should be that &quot;we&quot; have her in this country... And I was like... Wooohh FIRST don't include me in this &quot;we&quot; you used, and WTF!?! You have a degree in social studies and I need to explain to you what a person can decide on birth and what not? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I wasn't the main target of the attack but absolutely thought that I NEED to say something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feel free ask further information, I guess it is confusing. I'll try to explain further if needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9791" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T19:05:32.857" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T03:52:24.640" Title="How to handle degrading neighbour / acquaintance couples?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8781" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8772" CreationDate="2018-01-04T19:04:22.137" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only instance I would say &quot;you didn't ask why&quot; as a giver is if it's a fun reason they might not know. I would do it with a smile and the answer would be something small the receiver had probably forgotten about, like them going caffeine free for a month, or the anniversary of when we decided to be friends, not just coworkers. Frivolous, silly things like that. Although I do know people who ask the occasion for gifts before opening them (if not obvious), but I think it's more of a personal preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10861" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T19:04:22.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8782" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8774" CreationDate="2018-01-04T19:13:31.723" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you can remember, when they get to the end of their story you can say quietly, &quot;orange is pronounced this way.&quot; You might not catch all of their things, but it would certainly help with flow. Plus then you are giving it to them at a time they can deposit that into their memory bank. This tip works for small groups and even better in larger groups, as people will still be laughing about it or moving on in conversation and you don't need to announce the correction to everyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10861" LastEditorUserId="10861" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T16:01:20.997" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T16:01:20.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1948" CreationDate="2018-01-04T19:13:59.973" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What seems missing in the answers is the female--with all her attributes--point of view, which is to say, the &lt;em&gt;feel and be felt&lt;/em&gt; point of view. For one, the hugging thing is not unlike the continental hand kissing thing: it is best done properly or not at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With hand kissing, lips and saliva never touch hand skin. With hugging when invited, chest protuberance touching is finessed if not avoided where possible. That is not to say that a woman who does not dislike or feel &quot;un-accepting&quot; about a particular male will not include a certain &quot;nodular firmness&quot; in her social embrace of said male; but it &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; to say that the response must be deft and fleeting...for obvious reasons. Although it might come as a surprise that a woman will want to bestow attributes, such surprise must never be expressed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Men on the other hand, shake hands or do otherwise based on cultural training and expectations. A long-standing cultural norm in many societies has been that male-female contact shall not occur between non-relations past a certain age, or even relations in some instances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nowadays, in the U.S. at least, a male-female hug can be deflected by holding out a hand to shake, as the handshake has become more predominantly gender neutral.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10943" LastEditorUserId="10943" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T12:27:21.443" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T12:27:21.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8784" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8654" CreationDate="2018-01-04T19:24:51.370" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;found a girl online&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;asked her if she wanted to have coffee, to which she replied, &amp;quot;I'm too lazy to leave home&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds like a seclusive person with fear of commitment. &amp;quot;Too lazy to leave home&amp;quot; actually means &amp;quot;I'm scared to meet new people. Without a screen between us it is coming to close&amp;quot;. This is also known as relationship anxiety, and is fairly common. I don't have exact figures, but I'd say about a third of the US population suffers at some point in their life from relationship anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To find out whether she is scared to meet you ask her &amp;quot;Are you scared to meet me? There is no harm done in getting a cup of coffee, right?&amp;quot; This might have her reconsider her response instead of sweeping aside your request with an automatic response like &amp;quot;I'm too lazy&amp;quot;.&#xA;Also using open questions like &amp;quot;What kind of coffee do you like?&amp;quot; can help to open her up to you. It is not a scary question, but it's already getting you closer together by sharing your interests and likings. She doesn't need to lie or joke about her answer either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An effective psychological technique is using the three-yesses question pattern. After getting two yesses from your conversation partner move in the target question. It is best to be used somewhere in the middle of the conversation.&#xA;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you: What kind of coffee like?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she: Chocpresso with whipped cream.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you: I've never had that. Where can you get it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she: I always make it myself. [she is seclusive]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you: Can you teach me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she: Sure! [she starts typing this and that]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you: [now comes the crucial point] Ooh, that sounds interesting. Do you often make it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she: Yeah, mostly when I'm feeling down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you: [now the finishing blow] Would you like to make me a Chocpresso some time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she: [it can go either way now, but you're hoping for..] Yeah, sure. I'm too lazy to leave home anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about it if she drinks drip coffee, the general pattern will work too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T19:24:51.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8774" CreationDate="2018-01-04T19:34:46.330" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may not be the popular opinion, but I would refrain from correcting them unless one of the following conditions are true:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They have asked at an earlier point to help them with their English&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You know the person understands where you are coming from&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people &lt;strong&gt;hate&lt;/strong&gt; being corrected. While you are trying to help them out, they may not see it that way. I work and have worked with people from around the world, and if I can understand their point, I don't ask for clarification nor correct them. I don't want to come off rude, or be 'that guy' who corrects other's grammar or pronunciation of words. It may unintentionally put you in a bad light; the other party may feel embarrassed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I see it, if they are making the effort to communicate with you using a language that they are not fluent in, the least I can do is appreciate it and let any hiccups in pronunciation slide. Ask yourself if you would want others to correct you if you were speaking the language that &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are fluent in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents are from Poland, while I was born in America (currently living here as well). They speak fluent Polish, while I speak fluent English. Most of my family speaks Polish as well, and understand very little English. I'm far from fluent (can understand the conversation but hard to get my point across). I personally get embarrassed when I cannot get my point across, and would feel even worse if someone would correct me, as its clearly exposes a weakness that I have. You said that you would appreciate the help, but not everyone feels the same way, such as me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other party actively wants you to correct them, then feel free to right after they make a mistake if it won't derail the conversation. If you correct them right after the mistake, it should help them remember the right way, as it is still fresh in their head. As with all things, however, I wouldn't overdo it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10942" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T19:34:46.330" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8786" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-04T19:42:08.077" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to offer up an alternative solution that doesn't assume the worst about this coworker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't control other people's behavior (this is especially true when it's nothing but someone moving their eyes), but you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; control your feelings. It makes you uncomfortable because you are being presumptuous about why he is scanning you--e.g. that he's scanning you because he views you as a piece of meat. Perhaps try seeing if he scans everyone. Maybe it's just the way he is (we're not all as conscientious as the most socially adept of us). Maybe he finds you attractive. Maybe you aren't wearing revealing clothes, but you're wearing interesting clothes, and he's observing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try talking to him next time he walks by, or at the very least, greeting him. This does &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; mean you should be smiling, flirtatious, or even friendly. Just a simple, civil, pursed lip &quot;Hey, how's it going&quot;. That should force him to move his gaze up to say hi (again, presuming he is not socially awkward about meeting people's eyes). It'll also make him more cognizant of the fact that you're paying attention to him when he comes by, and that you notice each and every time he comes by. This could prevent him from scanning if it's something he's only comfortable doing when he feels you're not paying attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of this works, I would try mentioning something benign as he is scanning, like &quot;oh do I have something on my clothes?&quot;. This might cause him to stop scanning without making for awkward conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if all else fails, I would simply say, &quot;Hey I notice that you seem to look me over when you walk by, something that you don't do with anyone else. Maybe you don't mean anything by it, or even notice you do it, but it does make me a little uncomfortable. I would really appreciate it if you tried to not look me over so intently when walking by me.&quot; But I do believe that if he was being &quot;malicious&quot; in his scanning (however one might define that), that he could make the situation quite weird by saying that it's not your call to tell him where he can point his eyes (playing Devil's advocate here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt;  Everyone should be able to feel comfortable and respected, but there are also things you can't control, and battles that aren't worth fighting. This is one of them. Part of going through life is learning about not letting people get under your skin. They can only do that when &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; let them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2277" LastEditorUserId="2277" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T17:48:03.637" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T17:48:03.637" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8787" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3744" CreationDate="2018-01-04T19:44:49.910" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't get gigged for it on your evaluation, and you get raises, then it doesn't matter.  It's like saying,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I like you Sally, I don't care what Alice says about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is best when Alice is in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find it incredibly difficult to believe he is not kidding, despite you asking him.  He has to know, unless he is incredibly wooden and has a disorder, to not know what he said would be an insult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2906" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T19:44:49.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8777" CreationDate="2018-01-04T19:47:35.157" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Asking for a raise should usually follow this pattern:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) Tell them what value you've added to the company.&lt;/strong&gt;  Be specific so that they can see exactly what your contributions are.  If you are working for basically honest people they will want to compensate you for good work.  Examples could be,  I brought in an extra $X in revenue in 2017, or saved the company $X or Y days on the project.  I've increased out code coverage by 20%.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) Then tell them what the market is paying for this same position&lt;/strong&gt;  provide proof from sites like glassdoor.com or other industry sites (such as stack overflow for software developers. You could also use job listings that list the salary.  if #1 is compelling then they will want to keep you and there fore will want to make sure you are not paid beneath the market rate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3) Then express the desire to be paid the market rate.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to avoid telling them that you've already had other offers since depending on your bosses personality  it may appear disloyal (which shouldn't be a big deal but often is.) or it may appear that you are trying to strong arm them into giving you a raise.  But again this depends on your bosses personality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't expect them to give you the raise right away and try to prepare your self for some push back from them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used the above outline last year and my boss told me he wanted to see some improvement in other areas first.  Then two weeks later I got a surprise raise.  It will probably take your bosses some time to get used to the idea of giving you a raise.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In large corporations they may even need to wait for the next budget cycle to give you a raise.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, From my past experience I would warn you not to accept vague promises of a raise in the future.  If the promise does not have a due date it tends not to materialize.  And if no amount is specified it tends to end up being way smaller than expected.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T20:14:54.567" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T20:14:54.567" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8789" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-04T20:08:34.790" Score="1" ViewCount="622" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have 3 very good friends who we'll call A, B and C. We all got along very well together and decided to live together in a 4 bedroom house. In the months running up to finding somewhere to live and moving in together, person B and C started seeing each other and are now in an open relationship, which upsets person A because they have had an interest in person B for a while. This has lead to person A and C disliking and avoiding each other while living together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person A likes to organize occasional short vacations and events (and organized everything to do with the house) but has more recently started making a point of not inviting person C and not consulting them when making communal decisions about the house, which clearly irritates them. Sometimes on a large scale of 10-20 people, but more commonly around 2-5. They recently invited me to come on a trip with person B, but without person C, and I'm unsure if I should come or not. Although person A and B have gone on long and far vacations together before all this happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have heard person B saying that they are only interested in A as a friend. I find talking about it to person B an impossible option, as they are the kind of person who tries to get along with everyone and would rather hide under a blanket than face a problem. I think it's because of this personality that A is still after B. I have also heard person C say they still really like person A as a friend after the 'breakup' and I typically find them the more reasonable of the two, although I am unsure if they still hold this view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have before managed to diffuse a lot of conflicts between A and C in the past before they turn into arguments, usually with comedy, but don't know how to solve the problem in the long term. We are not entirely satisfied with the location of our house and may move out at some point. I'm worried that when this happens that we will end up going our separate ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many more factors and complications which may be relevant but I hope you understand that I'm trying to summarize an exceptionally complex relationship into a 5 minute read without confusing the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm concerned that if I go on trips without C then they will think I'm on A's side and if I don't then A will think I'm on C's side. How do I avoid this dilemma and are there any alternative solutions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10950" LastEditorUserId="10950" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T20:14:46.390" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T13:34:45.423" Title="How to handle friends who don't get along anymore?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8780" CreationDate="2018-01-04T20:14:05.523" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Regarding Alice's husband,&lt;/strong&gt; if he  doesn't want to be a jerk then saying something simple like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's not a very nice thing to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will most likely be very effective at getting him to change his behavior.  (It's worked on me before.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't care that he is a jerk, but cares about what other people think about him, then saying the above will probably only change his behavior in public, which will provide at least some relief to Alice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't care about what kind of person he is and doesn't care about your opinion of him then it won't have any effect on him at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be warned no matter what sort of man he is, he is likely to get defensive and possible tell you to but out or say some thing rude to you as well. If he does be prepared to say something like &quot;You should treat your wife with courtesy and respect&quot;  and then walk away.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Regarding Alice,&lt;/strong&gt; You can't know if she will appreciate your standing up for her unless you ask her.  But it has been my experience that when you stand up for someone they usually  appreciate it.  Simply telling Alice's husband that you don't think he should talk like that to his wife, may help Alice realize that she shouldn't have to sit there and take the rudeness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She might feel weak and like not being able to take care of her self.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is if she is not standing up for herself then she probably already feels weak.  Strong people don't typically let others treat them poorly (although there are exceptions). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling someone to stop being rude doesn't victimize the victim (they are already a victim);  rather, it shows the victim that some one will give them support if they want it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that you felt &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the awkwardness gaining control of everyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are probably not the only one who felt that you should have spoken up.  Speaking up next time will probably give others around you the courage to do the same.  Hopefully you'll find that at least one other person will back you up.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T22:59:10.497" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T22:59:10.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-04T20:21:27.767" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mentioned staying away which suggests avoidance which is apt to be taken as inviting. Your solution is direct eye-to-eye contact, nothing more nothing less, to stop the perception that said scanning is going unnoticed or tacitly accepted. The point, to some degree, is to inflict embarrassment as well as to change the focus of the scanning eyes. When inappropriate behavior does not go unnoticed, it tends to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10943" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T20:21:27.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8774" CreationDate="2018-01-04T20:22:50.930" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a native English speaker but have lived in a non-English community for about 4 years where I have about intermediate command of the language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, I end up on both sides of the situation fairly regularly. Someone speaks to me in English and makes a mistake, or I make a mistake in my second language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I really appreciate when I make a mistake, and what I have come to do, is to &lt;strong&gt;work into your response a repetition of what they said, but corrected.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if someone asks &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Do you like &lt;em&gt;onges&lt;/em&gt;?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but pronounces oranges wrong, you can say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah, I love &lt;em&gt;oranges&lt;/em&gt;, they're full of vitamin C!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and use the correct pronunciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if they make a grammar mistake:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Do you &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; any cats?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Nope, I don't &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; any cats&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a bit of practise this can be done really naturally and effectively. To some extent we do repeat what others say during the course of normal conversations in any case. The trick is to do it as naturally as possible and not to emphasise or accentuate your words any differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's really important is that they hear you say it correctly. It's all about exposure. It's not about telling them they made a mistake, it's about giving them immediate feedback. They can do a direct comparison between what they said and what you said. One of my best friends is a speech therapist and she uses this technique a lot with patients who have pronunciation and language issues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works really well because it:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Doesn't disrupt the flow of conversation.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Gives a correct, natural example of how the mistake can be corrected.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Provides immediate feedback to the speaker.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Doesn't draw attention to their mistake.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Doesn't require any kind of permission and can be used on anyone.&lt;br&gt;&#xA; Strangers, kids, anyone you meet without insulting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Don't be too worried about correcting them. Improvements to language (especially second language and adult learners) is often very slow and incremental. &lt;em&gt;One&lt;/em&gt; correction isn't going to make a significant impact on their ability. Language development occurs over long periods of regular language exposure. If you don't correct it, they'll figure it out eventually over time. If you can't work into your response a correct example, don't worry about it! Just enjoy the conversation. You're helping them just by talking to them. The above technique just allows you to naturally aid in this process without being a pain in the arse!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-01-04T20:28:17.337" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T20:28:17.337" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8797" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-04T21:16:36.223" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a direct approach that talks about your feeling without implying any particular motive to him, is probably best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, &amp;quot;It makes me uncomfortable the way you scan my body whenever I pass by. I don't want to start a big argument, but please stop it.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may just say &amp;quot;sorry.&amp;quot; If so, just say &amp;quot;Okay,&amp;quot; and leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he argues, don't argue. Just say, &amp;quot;I let you know, I was just hoping to avoid making a formal complaint.&amp;quot; and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Added to address commentary. (That commentary was deleted: For context, some readers doubted whether a formal complaint, or the threat of one, could be taken seriously &amp;quot;just for looking appreciatively&amp;quot; at the body of a coworker.)&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.laharassmentfirm.com/practice-areas/sexual-harassment/leering-gestures-staring/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Are Leering, Gestures and Staring sexual harassment?&lt;/a&gt; An excerpt it below. This is written by a law firm, btw.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While not all gestures or stares are meant to be sexual, some are very clearly inappropriate. Leering, which is a sly, lascivious look or sideways glance suggesting a sexual interest or malicious intent, is an unwelcome and persistent kind of staring that constitutes harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2nd Add: Further information on sexual harassment; same law firm, emphasis mine:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Employers are prohibited from harassing employees in the workplace. In addition, they &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; take &lt;strong&gt;immediate action&lt;/strong&gt; to stop harassment by employees and management and they are supposed to take reasonable steps to prevent harassment from occurring in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Also, from &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.lawyers.com/legal-info/labor-employment-law/sexual-harassment/defining-sexual-harassment.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Lawyers.com:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sexual harassment means conduct is unwelcome. If an employee agrees or consents, it's welcome and not harassment. Employers and courts need to look at situations as a whole in deciding whether an event was welcome or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sexual harassment takes many forms. It can be verbal, nonverbal, written, visual or physical. There's no one exact way to be harassed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;unwelcome&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; is a subjective term, without evidence of consent by the offended party, and given the legal requirement on employers that they &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; take &lt;strong&gt;immediate&lt;/strong&gt; action, once a formal complaint is made the accused is typically treated harshly, and the less power they have in the company the more harsh it is. If it is not illegal or a breach of contract, immediate dismissal is not uncommon. Otherwise, immediate reassignment or forced leave of absence might be legal options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my comments (deleted by a moderator) I had said &lt;strong&gt;sexual harassment is in the eyes of the victim:&lt;/strong&gt; This is what I meant by that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will add too my understanding that it make no difference if the harassment was made many times without the victim reporting it: Not reporting harassment is not &lt;strong&gt;implied consent.&lt;/strong&gt; Victims can explain they thought it would stop and/or were worried that reporting the harassment could get them fired, or reassigned, denied promotion or important assignments, or in general be seen as a trouble maker and not a &amp;quot;team player&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, the victim might claim the &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;workplace&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; and upper management felt hostile to such complaints. Thus the defense, by claiming implied consent as their excuse, could bolster the idea in the minds of the jury that the workplace was hostile and it was reasonable for the victim to assume negative consequences if harassment was reported, which in turn could make the jury more sympathetic to the &lt;strong&gt;long term&lt;/strong&gt; sexual harassment suffered by the victim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look at the &lt;strong&gt;settlements&lt;/strong&gt; on the first website, the Los Angeles law firm is showing $300K+ settlements against firms. They can easily run double that if management makes even an exploratory attempt to dismiss the complaint as unfounded, non-serious, or implied consent: Juries may see such behavior as indicative of a corporate culture permissive of sexual harassment in general, and decide severe monetary punishment is in order to change that culture. We could expect lawyers for the offended to strongly encourage that view, since larger settlements are always in the best interest of their client.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T15:46:30.713" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8665" CreationDate="2018-01-04T21:25:32.483" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't like to deny compliments because &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) It could potentially make the other person feel they have a lapse in judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) They will probably disagree, which leads to them just trying to force the compliment on you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) It can be generally off-putting, it's like refusing a verbal gift. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead just smile and say thank you, then change the subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8630" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T21:25:32.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8800" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8805" CreationDate="2018-01-04T21:45:03.133" Score="8" ViewCount="1905" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a college student who no longer lives with my parents, but lives in the same town, going to college. I see my parents a lot and have a good relationship with them, and they help me pay my rent, although I pay for all other expenses myself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last semester, my mental health dropped significantly and I asked my mother if I could go into therapy. She seemed very supportive, and said she just wanted me to be happy. After several appointments, she asked if I would consider switching to a cognitive behavioral therapist, and we agreed that I would have a few more appointments with my current therapist (who I really like.) I didn't hear from her again, and as I had no interest in switching, I didn't look into it much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There wasn't ever a discussion about specifics of payment. We overall agreed that she would pay for the first few months, and after that I would pick up the payments. I work a part-time job but definitely don't have a lot of money lying around. I didn't hear about this from her again, until a month ago. She got mad at me for not paying for my own therapy and said that she needed that money for marriage counseling, so I would have to pay for myself from now on. At this point, she also said that I shouldn't talk to my Dad about this because &quot;he would say it is fine, but it's not fine.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my view, the costs of my appointments per month isn't a lot of money (less than $100). This would be difficult but not impossible for me to afford, but my therapist tells me that my mother hasn't paid for any appointments so far. Today, I texted her and asked if she was planning on paying for any therapy. She said I had promised to pay and that it was &quot;my luxury.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I had known as I had gone that I would have to be paying, that would be different, as I would have put more hours into work and saved money. As it stands, I don't have any money, particularly because I was busy with school for the last part of the semester. I don't want to discuss the particulars of my mental health with her, as I have trouble expressing those emotions, but trust me when I say therapy is not a luxury, and I don't want to stop going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convince her to help me pay for the costs of the past few months?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;edit:&lt;/strong&gt; In the end, my dad came to me and told me he was the one to handle money. He told me he would pay for my past appointments if I pay for future ones, and said my mom felt disconnected from me and I should try and talk to her more about my troubles. Next time, I'll go to him, and ignore what my mom said - he doesn't get overemotional and doesn't usually get worked up over money. Thanks  for the help, everyone!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10956" LastEditorUserId="10956" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T20:49:34.027" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T01:26:00.120" Title="How can I discuss payment for therapy with my mother without discussing the specifics of my mental health?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="571" CreationDate="2018-01-04T21:48:33.753" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say that people have no business wondering about your emotional state or grieving process. However, make sure you recognize that this death affected people differently, and act appropriately respectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my grandfather died, I felt similarly. However, my mom was crushed, and I'm afraid I came across as a little insensitive to her and her siblings. If I could go back, I would take the time to sincerely tell everyone &quot;I'm sorry for your loss.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10956" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T21:48:33.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8800" CreationDate="2018-01-04T22:11:59.357" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only thing I can recommend doing is explaining what you've explained here, that it's not a luxury but you're not comfortable going into specifics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think without opening up to your mother about specifics you'll struggle to convince her of the value of you going into therapy. I personally wouldn't want to pay for something so expensive without a justification for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't convince her to pay by explaining this, there's not much else you can do bar opening up. Even by just a small amount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T22:11:59.357" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8800" CreationDate="2018-01-04T22:19:10.930" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think there's much you can do to force her to pay, and may have to let this be a lesson to trust but verify.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do however think that you need to have a discussion with her and determine how important she feels your mental health is, and let her know how her breaking the agreement you two had made you feel. Remind her of the agreement without mentioning the specifics of your mental health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey mom, you told me that I had promised to pay for my therapist, but I was under the impression we had come to an agreement that you would help me pay for it while I was with that therapist. Money is tight right now, and I really needed your help to pay for this on top of the other things I need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Follow up with how it made you feel, and how you feel like your mental well being isn't important to her. If it really isn't you'll know that she isn't the right person to be asking for help, and can go from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I talked to the therapist who told me you hadn't paid, and it hurt finding out that you didn't help me when you said you would. I've been having a rough time, and your supporting me was a big boost to my confidence. I feel like you don't care about my mental health after all, and you let me down when it came to support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try empathizing with her as well, and try and see where she is coming from. You mentioned her saying something about marriage counseling, so try and help her so she can help you. Working together to overcome these issues is always a better way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to help you too, but I feel a bit lost. Even still, I'm here for you if you need me as long as you're there for me too. Let's work together to get through these tough times, ok?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can end it with something sappy I guess, but maybe that's just me that would do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to try and get her to feel what you're feeling and do your best to do the same for her. Get her on your side, and let her know that you're not feeling up to snuff and really want her help. She may not end up paying, but you'll have a better understanding of how you can work together to solve the issues you're both having.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T22:19:10.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8694" CreationDate="2018-01-04T22:36:48.467" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's possible that it has nothing to do with her relationship with you, and she's just &lt;em&gt;better at that side of the conversation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you describe sounds a lot like the way I am with conversations.  I tend to be what people call &quot;a good listener,&quot; and I can help carry a conversation pretty well, but if you put me on the spot and ask if I have any questions of my own to ask, my first instinct is to simply freeze up.  That's just the way some people are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="439" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T22:36:48.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8807" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8789" CreationDate="2018-01-04T22:40:52.760" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I shared a house once with a couple, and sometimes felt that decisions were being made without me.  C has a valid perspective &lt;em&gt;on the house stuff&lt;/em&gt;.  On the other hand, &lt;em&gt;social&lt;/em&gt; stuff like vacations needn't automatically involve everybody; that couple did stuff without me and that was fine because, hey, they're a couple.  In larger households that I've seen up close, subsets of people do stuff as friends and that's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to separate &quot;house stuff&quot; and &quot;social stuff&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Somebody needs to tell A that making plans for the house, like parties, without involving &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; isn't ok.  It sounds like A won't be receptive to C, so that leaves you and B.   You're asking the question here and are interested in fixing the problem, so it makes sense for you to try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid A feeling ganged-up on, I recommend starting with a conversation just between the two of you.  You say something like &quot;Hey A, I know you and C are having some difficulties, but we need to include everybody when planning parties and stuff.  Can we find a way to do that?&quot;  Then listen.  If A doesn't want to have to be in the same room as C, you can suggest approaches that don't involve getting together in person to decide.  Maybe you don't need &lt;em&gt;discussions&lt;/em&gt; so much as &lt;em&gt;advance notice&lt;/em&gt;, or &lt;em&gt;advance notice with a way to object&lt;/em&gt;.  But you need to move the conversation from &quot;A doesn't like C&quot; to &quot;the four of us need a way to not get in each other's way on this stuff&quot;, so the more quickly you can get to problem-solving mode, the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social stuff like vacations or going out to dinner or whatever is different.  If the four of you always do everything together, then A trying to cut C out is going to be disruptive.  If you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; do everything together now, then you don't need to feel bad about doing stuff with C and not A -- or A and not C.  &lt;em&gt;Are&lt;/em&gt; you doing stuff with A?  If not, is A feeling left out by that, and &quot;you're doing stuff with C&quot; is masking that?  If you want to be the peacemaker, you're going to need to spend some time doing stuff with A without C, partly to validate the &quot;we don't all have to do everything&quot; model and mostly to make A feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, sometimes good friends don't make good housemates or vice-versa.  Your household might break up.  That doesn't have to mean the end of friendships.  I'm still friends with those housemates I mentioned even though I moved out of that house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T22:40:52.760" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8800" CreationDate="2018-01-04T23:49:42.153" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, &lt;strong&gt;it is absolutely your right to not disclose to your mother any particular of your mental health.&lt;/strong&gt; This is a matter of privacy and you have the absolute right to preserve it. If you feel that you can't talk to it right now but you'll be able to do it in the future, explain it to your mother:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've not been ok lately. I'd like to explain to you why, but I'm not able to do it, it's too much a delicate issue for me right now. I think I need some more time with my therapist to open up about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's important here is that she promised you her help. You can ask her clarifications about what's happened to that promise. &lt;strong&gt;Show concern for her&lt;/strong&gt;: make her feel that it was important to you by assuming that something relevant must have happened in the last months for her to change her mind. For instance, a sudden change in her finances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was so happy when we talked about it the first time, it was such a relief that you were on my side on this! But now I find out that you didn't pay. Mom, is there anything you're hiding from me? Are you having financial issues so you can't afford even 90$ per month out of your salary? I know that you're aware of how much going into therapy is important for me, how much I'm at loss without it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't dig in the following conversation, Anoplexian's excellent answer already covered that and I fully agree with them. If that strategy doesn't work, however, you can resort to ask her to &lt;strong&gt;lend you the money&lt;/strong&gt;. Be ready to sign an official letter in which you commit yourself to give the money back by x months. This resolution may give to your mother an idea of the importance of the therapy for you and she may come back to her former resolution to post it for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing of this works, I'd consider talking with your father. I understand your worries, and your desire to be loyal to her is actually quite noble of you, but let's not forget that you wouldn't be in this situation if she hadn't failed to keep her promise. You can ask your father not to talk about the subject to your mother, but this is up to your knowledge of the relationships inside the family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-01-04T23:49:42.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8809" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-05T00:13:33.073" Score="0" ViewCount="395" Body="&lt;p&gt;A close friend of mine shares/shared a flat with me. I did not ask him for his part of the rent very often. Over time, he's been spending less and less time here and the current situation is that he still formally lives here, but only has a couple of things here.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been ignoring the situation for such a long time that neither of us has a good idea of how much he really owes me. I do not think it would be fair to demand the full price since he's basically living elsewhere and only shows up every other month or so. However, the fact that he still keeps his stuff here means that I cannot have someone else live here instead of him. It's getting awkward, so I plan to talk to him and deal with the debt somehow.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simple solution would be that we both make a guess and take the average, but the time period since his last payment is so large that our estimates and ideas of what a fair value is might be radically different, so this could become super awkward. Therefore, I want to avoid this solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do we decide what would be a fair amount that neither would feel bad about?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since there are many nerds from Stack Overflow and scientific SE sites here, if you happen to know about a zero-knowledge/game theoretic solution which would allow me to sidestep the interpersonal problem somehow, please let me know in the comments or as part of a more on-topic answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9725" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T00:53:10.127" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T03:37:04.340" Title="How can I work with my friend to determine how much money he owes me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="14" ClosedDate="2018-01-05T04:11:52.470" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-05T00:39:03.397" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you are obviously wearing clothes when he &quot;scans&quot; you, there is the possibility that he is attracted to your &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;clothes.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-psychology-dress/201004/what-men-wear-what-it-means-what-men-want-women-wear-and-why&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-psychology-dress/201004/what-men-wear-what-it-means-what-men-want-women-wear-and-why&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the answer to &quot;how do I confront him&quot; may actually be: I'd advise you not to be too hasty. Because in some cases (such as misunderstandings or lack of communication), confrontations simply make things worse. You say the guy &quot;scans&quot; you. You assume there is something sexual about that behavior, but don't know for sure, quote: &quot;I'm not 100% sure this is sexualised harassment, but it's very annoying...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply being annoyed with someone you are not even on speaking terms with, isn't reason enough to accuse someone of seriously inappropriate behavior. If you were on speaking terms with your co-worker, you wouldn't be so confused about his motivations. It wouldn't take long to find out whether there was anything to be seriously concerned about. And if you for whatever reason just don't want to talk to him, then you should at least understand that snubbing him probably makes him feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And presuming the guilt of someone you apparently don't know very well, if at all, without rational evidence of wrong-doing, is both extremely humiliating for him, and very unwise on your part.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being unnecessarily confrontational is not very skillful social conduct, and I'm sorry to see that so many answers have encouraged it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's assume for a moment that your intuition is correct: he's a creep. You can accuse people of being creepy, but it doesn't usually go over very well, for all concerned. The best way to handle creeps and stalkers, who are too sneaky to get caught (yet), is to steer clear of them. And since there already is apparently no real communication between you, you only see him occasionally in the break room, and his worse crime is just looking at your clothes -- that shouldn't be too difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE: (Advice on how to handle the specific situation which is uncomfortable for you.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next &lt;strong&gt;moment&lt;/strong&gt; you are certain that he is &quot;scanning your body&quot;, &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt; turn to him, making direct eye contact (if he doesn't make eye contact, you may briefly point your finger, to get his attention), and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Listen here, I want you to stop staring at my body.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he denies it, say, &quot;Just stop it. I'm not going to tolerate it anymore. No more discussion, no excuses. I see what you've been doing; it's been going on for far too long now, and I've had enough. I'm not going to put up with it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should be perfectly calm, not scared or angry (remember, you said he is &quot;usually nice&quot;); but absolutely firm, and not willing to back down from your demand for respect. Let him see from your attitude that you're serious, not joking or hysterical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your intent is not to attack him -- it is only to set &lt;strong&gt;proper&lt;/strong&gt; boundaries. You want to let him know in no uncertain terms, that the workplace calls for propriety at all times, even in the break-room or lounge. But keep your message as brief and comprehensible as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Opening the door to allow excuses on his part, only suggests that you are not absolutely sure of his guilt. And if he doesn't apologize or show proper conduct in the future, it is time to file a complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is, pinpoint the problem, then pinpoint the solution:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt; : &quot;You're staring at me.&quot;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Solution&lt;/strong&gt; : &quot;Stop it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt; : Co-worker is harassing me.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Solution&lt;/strong&gt; : File a formal complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the guy really is &quot;usually nice&quot;, then you may be able to address the problem with him personally, as illustrated above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if the guy is a &quot;creep&quot;, it may be necessary to file a formal complaint with your supervisor, in order to set the proper boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I see it, in this and many other cases, solving &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;ambiguity&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; is the key issue. The presumed guilty party may be purposefully acting in an ambiguous manner, which may seem abusive or may just be some sort of misunderstanding between the parties involved. But you have no control over their actions, so your role is to decide for yourself what is really happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can take the position that they are indeed guilty, in which case you need to address the presumed abuse in a timely and self-confident manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, you can give the person in question the benefit of the doubt, at least for the time you need to better acquaint yourself with their true motives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said at the beginning of my answer, and it should bear repeating: it is unwise to presume someone guilty of really serious and embarrassing behavior, without &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; evidence. Simply feeling annoyed or suspicious about someone, is not enough basis for ruining their reputation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9307" LastEditorUserId="9307" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T15:02:59.337" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T15:02:59.337" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8809" CreationDate="2018-01-05T00:49:45.163" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think asking for theories is great and can play a big role in interpersonal relationships contrary to what the comment from Catija might imply - What I do feel however is that your question is poorly phrased around it. Rather than wanting some theoretical frameworks to base your interpersonal solution around it sounds as if you're simply playing on the stock market hoping to make the most out of a bad situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that foray done, let's move on to the meatier bits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once read in a book that people overvalue favors given and devalue favors received over time as represented in a the study &lt;code&gt;Flynn, F. J. (2003), 'What have you done for me lately? Temporal adjustments to favour evaluations'&lt;/code&gt;. I have not read much other on the subject and it seems quite hard to get a hold of this study, which means I haven't read it in its entirety, but I can add some anecdotal evidence to the point. People will often devalue favors they have received as time passes. If we are to look at this from the perspective of your friend you have done him a favor and he is not at all likely to consider the value of your favor as high as you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if we are to discuss how you might get the most out of your situation you might look to some very common salesmen tactics; In this case the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Door-in-the-face_technique&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Door-in-the-face technique&lt;/a&gt; might be of relevance to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your friend is very likely to devalue the amount of money he owes you one thing you could to is to ask for more than you are likely to receive, very much like bartering. As he (if he) tells you that it's too much then you say something akin to &quot;well, I could settle for at least 400 grokensons&quot; which is much more likely to be accepted following your initial outrageous offer. You could also make use of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Cognitive Dissonance&lt;/a&gt;. In short, attempt to make your friend say that he wanted to pay this money and make it seem as if it was his idea in some way as people want to stay consistent with their actions and previous opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are basic suggestions and following up on the study as well as continuing on Wikipedia from the links I provided will lead you to more argumentative techniques.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My only advice following this is to ask yourself what kind of friend you want to be. I would personally not want to be friends with a person employing these techniques on me. Rather than optimizing your monetary net gain you should seriously consider if this is someone you want to be friends with, and if the answer is yes just ask for a sum you will be satisfied with which you feel adequately covers some of the expenses. If he refuses to pay what you feel is a reasonable sum then you should have become quite aware that this is not someone you should be friends with and that this is a person you should keep out of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choose wisely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4022" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T00:49:45.163" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8812" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8809" CreationDate="2018-01-05T01:36:38.447" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, the fact that he still keeps his stuff here means that I cannot have someone else live here instead of him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therein lies your answer. He should pay you full of his part of rent because that is what you would have received if you had rented that space to someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using this amount as a baseline, you can then discuss and subtract expenses he did not contribute to like electricity, water etc. Note that this will only work if expenses are included in rent. You could also add expenses like commercial cleaning contribution if you hire someone else to clean the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk it out with him, discuss some options and be prepared to sway with the exact price if you value your friendship because friends and money rarely mix well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he had just stayed intermittently without any major stuff then it would be tantamount to the question you are asking now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, in the future, please consider making an agreement so that all parties can abide by it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3371" LastEditorUserId="3371" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T03:37:04.340" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T03:37:04.340" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-05T03:47:24.813" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see some people's answers, and they are very passive aggressive. There is nothing wrong with asking him, when you are 1 on 1, why he is looking you up and down every time he passes by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever his response, let him know you feel it is physical attraction, and not appreciated. Let him know it is a professional work environment, and you don't feel this is professional behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, start a paper trail! Bringing heavy accusations all at once is tough for a manager to deal, but letting them know it occurs over weeks or months, it's easier for them to see a pattern of behavior. I've done this, and my emails usually start with &quot;Hey, I wanted to let you know about something that has been happening. I don't need any intervention, but I wanted to let you know in case it escalates.&quot; And then describe the behavior. If it continues, you have a written paper trail to refer to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9216" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T03:47:24.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8780" CreationDate="2018-01-05T03:52:24.640" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;My husband had a friend who used to love making fun of his wife in front of everyone. I didn't say anything the first time I heard it because she didn't look unhappy - she was smiling/rolling her eyes as he spoke. So I wasn't sure if she would appreciate my interference. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few visits, I just had to speak up. After one of his 'jokes', I turned to his wife and smiled as I said 'I really appreciate your patience. I can't imagine I would continue to stay with my husband if I had to listen so much nonsense everyday' and then, I turned to him and said 'You are lucky you are married to such a sweet lady'. I kept my smile intact and my tone light so as to give an impression I'm not very serious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if his wife appreciated my help or not, she never actually thanked me, but I surely felt better. The husband never said anything insulting about her in front of us again, probably because he now knows I don't enjoy insulting jokes/anecdotes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you should really speak up but in a soft manner. If you sound rude while confronting him, you may have a situation where his partner supports him and you wouldn't know why you even tried ! You can crack a joke at him (a bit degrading) and ask him how he felt (or) you/your partner can say something similar to what I did (or) you can just say 'it's not very nice' as mentioned in the previous answer. Whatever you do, get this off your chest, you will feel far better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T03:52:24.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3744" CreationDate="2018-01-05T09:15:44.763" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You note his greater than average (for him) praise of your work as well as that others viewed your skills favourably. You're presumably on generally good terms with him as your sons are best friends. Also, he doesn't seem to understand the issue you have with the backhanded compliments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people (try to) use contrast to heighten compliments or induce levity in the process. Since your boss &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3744/how-to-deal-with-an-employers-backhanded-compliments#comment13257_3744&quot;&gt;tended&lt;/a&gt; to give out more negative than positive comments, the earlier observations suggest that he was simply less adept at delivery when it came to compliments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smile and thank him, and if he gives you a genuine smile back, chalk the &quot;I don't know why&quot; up to poor delivery but good intent. If he doesn't, just walk away; he either doesn't recognise what he's doing even when told, or doesn't want to admit to it. I'd like to think he'd smile back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T09:15:44.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8820" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8851" CreationDate="2018-01-05T11:03:37.117" Score="34" ViewCount="14456" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know that this section of StackExchange isn't related to programming, but this is the closest part of SE I could think to post this to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, on to the topic..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a little brother (19, I am 23.). Both of us are interested in technology (More so me than my brother, but the point still stands).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a programmer (my brother is not). Most times, I'm either working on a project of mine or learning a new language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the course of the past 7-8 months, my brother has came to me several times with an idea about a game (with aspects that a AA or AAA video game title would have)&#xA;and proposes that we try to make the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is where I come to a problem every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to explain to him that we need to sit down and let me show him at least the basics of the language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no problem taking time out of my work to teach him, but every time that I &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt; to teach him a couple of things he says he doesn't want to do it anymore and gets off of his computer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last night he came to me and said he wanted to start learning to program so I sit down with him and start walking him through a couple of things. Not 10 minutes later he says he's finished and gets off as per usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't feel that if we were to jump directly into one of these complex games he gets an idea for that he would be able to keep up with the project growing so quickly as he is just a beginner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I explain to my brother that if we are to make these games that he gets ideas for that I need him to at least learn the language enough to understand what is going on?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10999" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-07-11T21:53:52.397" LastActivityDate="2019-07-11T21:53:52.397" Title="How can I convince my brother to take up programming?" Tags="&lt;siblings&gt;&lt;explaining&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3744" CreationDate="2018-01-05T11:34:23.923" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(It seems I'm very late to the party, but the party was over before this began, so I'll take a shot anyway.)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To my seasoned eyes, this feels unlikely to be malicious.  I think the hurt you feel is genuine, mind you, because in the absence of solid information, you can really only make your best guess, and your best guess suggested possible malice, so it's reasonable to be upset.  But maybe you needn't be, in retrospect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As your boss, he had all the ability in the world to criticize you directly, to discipline you, even to &lt;em&gt;fire&lt;/em&gt; you.  Why would he bother with subtle insults via back-handed compliments when he was officially, and quite decidedly, in a position to make you unhappy in very direct, substantial ways?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally wonder if your boss was indeed reluctant to offer praise, but &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; due to disrespect.  Some people are reluctant to offer praise in the same way people are reluctant to say, &quot;I like you, let's be best friends!&quot; to a newfound pal.  It's too much, too forward, leaving you vulnerable to rejection, not to mention possibly scaring the other person away.  Some people are very self-conscious about being forward or vulnerable.  It can be due to fear of rejection, or of being too familiar with someone when it would not be appropriate, due to social or business circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate to suggest it, because I don't wish to plant what may be an unpleasant seed, but is it possible that your boss may have secretly liked you much &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; than you suspected?  It's not unheard-of for someone to deliberately keep another person at arm's length because they have unintentionally grown fond of them in a situation where it's not okay to express that fondness.  Many people develop crushes on their co-workers, and then have to be extremely careful not to act inappropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our natural instinct when we fear that the discovery of our interest may lead to rejection or embarrassment is to &lt;em&gt;overtly&lt;/em&gt; pretend that we're &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; interested.  I'm sure we can all think back to primary school and remember some time when a boy was terribly rude to the girl he secretly longed for because he didn't want anyone to find out and make fun of him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize it's far-fetched, but given that your boss didn't seem to show any other signs of cruelty or anger towards you, it does seem very strange that, when he was offering you direct, unmistakable praise, he would always couch it in terms that made it clear he was just the messenger; that it was definitely not &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; praise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it... if he didn't like you, why would he even &lt;em&gt;pass on&lt;/em&gt; the praise in the first place?  If he didn't like you, wouldn't he just keep it to himself and leave you never knowing that someone had appreciated you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ever have the opportunity to do so, I think you should consider asking him directly if he once fancied you.  I realize you may each be married, or, even aside from that, you may not be remotely interested, but the thought of a missed opportunity suddenly re-appearing years later is so straight-out-of-a-romance-novel that I simply can't resist encouraging it.  :)  I'm really sorry if it's distressing instead, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing else, I hope this notion might at least give you a brief giggle and a more flattering possible reason for his strange behavior.  At the very least, I think it may be safe to say you were never truly being criticized.  That has to be worth something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Late edit for anyone curious: In comments which some mod has probably moved over to chat because they were conversational, rather than editing suggestions, OP indicated that this was likely the case.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10747" LastEditorUserId="10747" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T14:30:01.850" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T14:30:01.850" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-05T11:37:15.703" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stop trying to teach him and tell him how to learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On YouTube, you can learn how to do pretty much anything, so there's going to be tutorials there.  Some presenters are really great a describing things and making the subject matter engaging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show these to your brother (or just point him at a channel name) and allow him to learn at his own pace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him know that you're available for questions or help on this, but let him develop his skills at his own pace and convenience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he demonstrates the curiosity to go further with this, he'll want your help. If he loses interest, then it's his own issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T11:37:15.703" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-05T11:56:09.690" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;My gut feeling is that your brother might never become interested in programming. He might seem interested, but I believe it is still a means-to-an-end for him at this stage (I want to make a game, and programming will get me there).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Introduce him to the other domains of designing games, like graphics or sound design and check whether those aspects piques his interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have made the intro to game design frameworks like Unity, he will soon come to realize that a little programming knowledge will go a long way in an indie team like yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he then becomes interested in programming from a maker's point of view (the journey, not the destination), refer him to the online resources like YouTube etc and offer to be the mentor this young journeyman deserves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3796" LastEditorUserId="2183" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T13:10:24.493" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T13:10:24.493" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8824" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8830" CreationDate="2018-01-05T12:33:22.007" Score="41" ViewCount="37926" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few weeks ago, I met a guy, and we started a friendship. We're still getting to know each other, but as time passes I have more and more reasons to believe he has &lt;em&gt;different&lt;/em&gt; interests than I (a heterosexual guy) do, though we met in person only twice, and he never told this explicitly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear: I like him as a person, I'd have absolutely zero problem with it if he &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; LGBT, and I already made light, indirect hints to this. Still, it'd be good to know if that's indeed the case for sure -  hell, I myself act jokingly as if I am gay rarely with close friends - though I've never done this around this friend yet and he hasn't met the friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to treat him differently. But if he's homosexual, and he didn't &amp;quot;come out&amp;quot; to me yet, there are topics to avoid, like relationships... (he's not in one).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, I could just ask &amp;quot;hey, I'm not sure about your sexuality, are you gay?&amp;quot;, but I'm afraid of him finding this offensive/uncomfortable if he isn't; and if he is, this leaves no room if he doesn't want to tell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How, if, could I &lt;del&gt;ask him&lt;/del&gt; make him explicitly say if he's homosexual, without risking our new friendship? Should I even ask him at all? Are there any alternative ways of finding an answer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Update a few years later: I never asked (as per answers), but he was definetly LGBT. In retrospect he obviously behaved somewhat flirtatiously with me, and I should've realized. Actually, the real question I should've asked is how to make it clear I'm not open to same-gender relationships without being awkward in case I was wrong about his sexuality. But the answers address this as well to some extent.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3037" LastEditorUserId="3037" LastEditDate="2020-07-03T06:41:55.793" LastActivityDate="2020-07-03T06:41:55.793" Title="How to ask a new friend about his sexuality?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-05T13:14:00.090" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot convince your brother to take up programming. Programming is hard, tedious, and requires a certain type of brain to find any sort of fulfillment in programming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you are misunderstanding the dynamic of the proposed relationship of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your brother is not saying &quot;Hey, I personally want to build a game from the ground-up.&quot; He is saying &quot;Hey, I think we can make some money if you program my ideas.&quot; This is a business proposition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He plays games with complete ignorance to the programming aspect so he essentially knows what the average user wants. Your vision might be clouded because you are technically in the &quot;trenches&quot; of game development.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this sounds like he is being selfish and rude but he is not; this is exactly how a business operates. When the owner of a company wants a website then it is very likely that someone else is building it for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am pretty sure that you guys are not in a position to start a company which can produce AAA titles but if you are willing to combine your skills with his ideas then something great could happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T13:32:06.750" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T13:32:06.750" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8826" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1435" CreationDate="2018-01-05T13:24:49.443" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe this can be explained scientifically:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.jneurosci.org/content/35/49/16046&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Inattentional Deafness: Visual Load Leads to Time-Specific Suppression of Auditory Evoked Responses&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I understand this correctly, this also the reason we lower the volume on the car radio when searching for an address for instance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, this is what I tell my wife in any case; I suffer from selective hearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should be more concerned when you are actively listening to your wife and still don't hear her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3796" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T13:24:49.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8789" CreationDate="2018-01-05T13:30:57.580" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a tricky situation - the first thought that comes to my mind is that you might want to look into learning something called compassionate communication, also known as Non-violent communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg. It is a very helpful tool in aiding clear communication, conflict resolution, and increasing everyone’s willingness to meet each other’s needs.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The book is a quick and highly useful read.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that, I think just choosing what you’d like to do in regards to the trip (go if you want to go and stay if you’d rather not go), and then explain openly that your decision is not based on choosing a side, but just based on your own preference for going, or not going (whichever you choose).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like there are a lot of codependent, and controlling behaviors among the housemates.  While you can’t control their decisions, emotions, or actions, you can control your own decisions and motivations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend making your decision about the trip be completely based on what you would enjoy most, and not try to control your roommates reactions by choosing out of fear of their responses.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For more on control issues and resolving codependent behaviors, see the inner bonding website by Margaret Paul. Her work is amazing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you can’t control your roommates, so I recommend not choosing based on fear of their responses (in other words don’t try to control their emotions via your choice to go or not go on the trip). Choose based on what you’d like to do and leave the responsibility of their emotions to them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10940" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T13:34:45.423" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T13:34:45.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-05T13:40:15.713" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am experiencing the same exact thing with my roommate. I am a programmer and he is not. He never wants to learn anything about game development, but always wants to create a game:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your brother isn't interested in learning about game development, but only fascinated about the concept of creating a new game. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offer him some Youtube videos that he can follow and make yourself available if he has any questions. Your best chance at getting him interested would be to find a video where a basic game is being developed as he is watching it, in your preferred language. I would also set up the environment on his computer as well so he can follow along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is truly interested in game development, then it will take off from there. Most likely, however, he simply wants to 'skip the boring parts' and have the end product already. No amount of convincing will change that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10942" LastEditorUserId="10942" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T20:31:51.897" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T20:31:51.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-05T13:47:33.243" Score="92" Body="&lt;p&gt;A person's sexuality is a very personal thing. Many people will take &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt; to get to the point where they are comfortable to talk to their family and friends about their sexuality. Many people aren't even sure what their preference is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, &lt;strong&gt;you cannot assume that this person is comfortable talking to you about their sexuality.&lt;/strong&gt; They may not be ready to talk about it to &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt;, let alone someone that they've only met twice, and they may not have figured out what their sexual identity is. This is an incredibly private, personal matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't need to &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; their sexual preference in order to be their friend.&lt;/strong&gt; Only the most comfortable, close friends may get to the point where they discuss sexuality with eachother. I have had one or two friends like this &lt;em&gt;in my lifetime&lt;/em&gt;. Friends usually** don't participate in sexual activities and there is no real need to know, unless they decide to confide in you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A good friend allows you to be comfortable and be yourself.&lt;/strong&gt; I want to be around people who aren't going to judge me on my sexual preferences, or treat me differently because of them. (Or on any other preferences in general). I don't want to be put in uncomfortable situations by being encouraged to talk about things I'm not ready to talk about. A good friend doesn't care about my sexual preferences, they care about me as a human being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you don't know how comfortable your friend is about their sexuality, don't force them to talk about it. Accept them for who they are and let them be themselves without feeling the need to force the situation. &lt;strong&gt;If they are comfortable, they will bring up the topic themselves in time.&lt;/strong&gt; Eventually, maybe, one day they may feel comfortable enough to confide in you. But you can't expect that to happen any time soon, or ever. Just be a good friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Additional note: If you're concerned about their interest in you, remember that even if he's gay, that doesn't mean he'll be interested in you in particular. There are other ways of establishing if he's interested and navigating that particular minefield. Asking &quot;Are you gay?&quot; directly isn't an appropriate solution to this problem at all.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;** Assuming the usual platonic-type friendships. There are other &quot;friendships&quot; that I'm not including here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T14:25:51.370" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T14:25:51.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8831" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-05T13:49:59.393" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;For your question &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I even ask him at all? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd answer &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;Why should you?&#xA;Why do you feel the need to?&#xA;As long as we're talking about a friend, or a relative, or an acquaintance, his/her sexual horientation to me is as useful as a colander to pick up water.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your other question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are there any alternative ways for finding an answer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Time.&#xA;If he/she wants, he/she will explicitly or indirectly reveal it, sooner or later.&#xA;And even then, it will be useless to know, in a friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you doing this to prevent &quot;potential future awkward situations&quot; e.g. commenting on a girl when he likes boys, instead?&#xA;He will tell you, if needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T13:49:59.393" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8833" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8835" CreationDate="2018-01-05T14:01:47.380" Score="0" ViewCount="159" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've thought about this for a while but don't really know how to go about this.&#xA;Our company just got merged with a bigger market player. However this opens up a whole lot of opportunities towards growth in the firm. This big merge is going to take place in just a few months. There are going to be individual interviews with everyone from our relatively small company about what they expect from the change and their goals associated with that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I kind of know where I want to end up, yet I'm not entirely sure because I am still relatively young. I also don't really know what to expect exactly from this merge. Though I think this will turn out positively, I want to play my cards smart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This brings us to this very important evaluation interview with the people from the new company. I would like to explain my goals. Yet don't want to sound too cocky. Or be seen as a &quot;dreamer&quot;. I would like to step up my game but I'm not sure to what lengths I can go because I am still very young. I don't want my age to be a turn down, or to even backfire for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anybody has some good suggestions on what to expect or what mindset to assume, what should be asked and what should be left out. Let me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11011" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T14:11:49.003" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T14:15:28.267" Title="How to explain your future goals in an evaluation interview?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;explaining&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-01-05T15:30:13.360" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-05T14:10:08.957" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter.  Meaning, if you like this person and want to be friends with him, just let the friendship develop as it would with anyone new in your life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not clear on what &quot;...hell, I myself act jokingly as a gay rarely with close friends…&quot; means, but quite honestly, it doesn't sound good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like a really big issue for you - whether a person you like and are getting be friends with is gay.  He may be, he may not be, but the fact that you need to know now before the friendship goes any further would be a red flag for me if I were the other guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your new friend may be asking himself some questions about you - since you have &quot;made light, indirect hints&quot; as to his sexuality and how you feel about it.  His questions may not be about your sexuality but why you are so obsessed with his. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10848" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T14:10:08.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8833" CreationDate="2018-01-05T14:15:28.267" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Working in technology makes it easy, kind of.  Technology changes quickly and as old techs die, new ones rise to take their place.  So, if someone asks me where I want to be in 5 years, my response is &quot;It's hard to see into the future that far.  My job didn't exist 5 years ago.  My plan is to continue to keep abreast of new developments in the field and determine where my skills and talents meet with these new developments.  Here's how I've done that in the past...&quot;  On the flip side, however, if someone in technology doesn't want to constantly learn, you have about 5 years until your skills become obsolete.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For something like this, I'd suggest determining what you are excellent at and what you enjoy doing.  What can benefit the company over the long haul?  Where can I make the most impact? Keep in mind that things change.  Life goals change.  Interests change.  It's OK to say &quot;I find myself interested in...&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for mindset, I think a mindset of enthusiasm and excitement about what's coming is always a good thing.  How committed to being excellent are you?  What role can you play in the company's growth and profitability? How can you make your boss' job easier?  How independently can you work?  Where do you see opportunity now that didn't exist before?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for what to ask: what changes will happen?  what opportunities do you see existing?  How will the company change?  WRT what to leave out: anything personal.  Don't talk about your hobbies, politics, religion, place of birth, etc.  No matter how much someone may ask, don't complain about the small company you work for.  Leave any negativity back home; this is the time to impress people and you do that by being positive, intellectually curious, and industrious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T14:15:28.267" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8536" CreationDate="2018-01-05T14:16:07.437" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually disagree with the other answers here... I think it is extremely important to check in during sex.  It is important for the communication to be open and for partners to trust each other, but also to verify how the other person is feeling!  Nobody is a mind reader!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I’ve been sexually assaulted before and the person thought he was making me happy and reading my body language, but he sucked at it and I was frozen in fear on autopilot.  He never got my consent and he kept going anyways. He was relying on “reading my signals” - which isn’t reliable! Open communication is key. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is definitely not enough to talk about it beforehand only and not check in during the act itself because person A can say they will be alright doing a certain act, but then maybe during the act something unexpected or painful happens and they need the ability to change their mind on a moments notice.  Consent is not a “yes” or “no” at the beginning and then the person has to stick with that answer for any act after that- the answer can change! And the answer can even change if it is something you both have previously done together many times before (And it can be due to many reasons including health- for example I had a UTI infection once that I didn’t find out about until having sex with my partner that was painful- and you best believe I wasn’t going to stick with the “yes” I had given my partner at the beginning - I changed my answer! And we switched to doing something else that was comfortable for me)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I wholeheartedly think you need to continue to make sure your partner is okay during the entire sexual encounter.  This is especially important when exploring new sex ideas- because the very fact that they are new means you or your partner won’t know exactly how it will feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that being said, there are ways you can phrase the question to make consent questions a sexy turn on.  For example, instead of asking in a clinical, dry manner, you could say something like “do you like that baby?” And “tell me what you’d like me to do next”  “what do you want to feel more of?”  And “how can I make you feel the best?”  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also try letting her be “in charge” and direct the sexual encounter with her choosing what to do next and showing you what she likes and dislikes.  She can take your hand and put it on her body in a way that she likes and this way you can learn more of what she likes and doesn’t like.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also discuss with your partner the option of setting up a safe word or body language signal which, if she or you ever say (or do in the case of a body language signal) then The other stops the act immediately.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that open communication is the key to mind blowing sex- because again, nobody is a mind reader!   And there are ways for you to get communication from her both with body language and verbal communication- I think both are important and not to rely exclusively on body language alone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she continues to constantly want to shut down all verbal communication from you, then I say that is her problem.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10940" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T14:16:07.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8837" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-05T14:17:55.610" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What does your brother find interesting (other than video games)? Perhaps there is a different hook that you can find. &lt;a href=&quot;https://processing.org/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Processing&lt;/a&gt; (a language popular with technically savvy visual artists) and the larger &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maker_culture&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;make movement&lt;/a&gt; that it is part of might spark an interest. Speaking of sparks -- &lt;a href=&quot;http://a.co/ckHHcRT&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The SparkFun Guide to Processing&lt;/a&gt; is a good place to start. Perhaps the A in &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/STEAM_fields&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;STEAM&lt;/a&gt; is the missing ingredient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But -- perhaps not. Ultimately you can't force your brother to be interested in anything. Expose him to a couple of possibilities. If one sparks a genuine interest -- great. If not, at some stage you should just give up the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4812" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T14:17:55.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8800" CreationDate="2018-01-05T14:39:45.437" Score="0" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are trying to bring questions (to) here--and it does not go&#xA;unnoticed--which you should bring to the therapist.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you have a genuine disorder--that means, organic disorder--it is in   your best interest to get beyond the sensitivity that leads you&#xA;to keep it secret even from those closest to you. Yes, it will take a leap&#xA;of sorts to let go of the self deluded importance of privacy (i.e.,&#xA;secrecy), but are going to find, by the hard way or easy way, that the&#xA;sharing of such &quot;issues&quot; will be vital in the long run for the best&#xA;outcomes in dealing with your mental health difficulties. Go ahead,&#xA;run this--what I am saying now--by your therapist, because I know&#xA;from peer experience that she or he will agree.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure if you mentioned your age but, if you are not a minor your, parents--leave alone the difficulties even they have&#xA;between themselves--have no legal obligation to pay for the&#xA;counselling to which you have become attached, whether by&#xA;transference or by the self perception of improvement in your&#xA;day-to-day functioning. But, that need not stop you from asking &amp;amp;or&#xA;negotiating.... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also appeal to your therapist as regards&#xA;the various publicly funded programs of which you might avail yourself to&#xA;assure some measure of reliable steadiness in your mental health&#xA;funding. There are also, in some states, free interactive services,&#xA;such as group mentoring, which can prove very helpful, either alone&#xA;or in conjunction with formal counselling and therapy. Your therapist&#xA;should have such info but you might need to assert a keen interest on&#xA;your own part.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3a.-  At this point a corollary is in order based on your mother's&#xA;   expressed sense about keeping your father &quot;out of the loop,&quot; so to&#xA;   speak. Such a stance on her part regarding a mutually held child's&#xA;   problems which ought to be mutually regarded, strongly suggests that&#xA;   Mother has not, herself, been forthright about her own history of&#xA;   mental problems with her own spouse; if there are blame &quot;issues&quot; in&#xA;   that regard, let us put them aside for the moment (or just let you&#xA;   take them up with the therapist to measure their significance).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Permit me to summarize by advising, that whereas you are seeking help here, you are at the same time placing yourself in a double bind of &quot;secrecy&quot; prevarication that serves to prevent any useful help from materializing. What you are trying to impose on your mother, you in some measure are likewise trying also to impose even here. The help you can derive, in other words, will be largely in proportion as your willingness to be forthright about your &quot;issues&quot; and their underlying causes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;May I recommend that you instead impose upon the therapist for a &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;diagnosis&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, even if provisional, by which, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For one, your difficulties can be taken out of the realm of subjectivity and into that of objectivity; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And secondly (but no less importantly) so that you can more readily &#xA;(a) commiserate and seek aid, monetary or otherwise, from your parent or parents, and &#xA;(b) direct your efforts at seeking help from like-minded souls, in this or any other personal mental health forum. For example, you could even open a specific, diagnosis related exchange to draw persons in similar, diagnosis-based situations to your aid, and you to their's.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10943" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T14:39:45.437" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-05T14:54:20.650" Score="33" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How, if, could I &lt;strike&gt;ask him&lt;/strike&gt; make him explicitly say if he's homosexual, without risking our fresh friendship? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really can't. You could simply ask, but you're running the risk of alienating a friend by doing it. If he's gay and &quot;out&quot; you'll find that out by simply getting to know him better. If he's gay and &quot;closeted&quot; you may never find out, but he will be more likely to come out to you if you seem like you're not homophobic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm pansexual, meaning that I date people regardless of gender or lack there of. In my day to day life most people read me as hetero. The last person I'm likely to talk to about my sexuality is someone who appears uncomfortable about those things. I'm really very open with my close friends, but if I meet someone and they strike me as possibly phobic I'm pretty likely to wait until I know how that information will be received. Not really &quot;closeted&quot; I just don't feel the need to fight with every homophobe I run into, &lt;em&gt;as tempting as that might be at times.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I even ask him at all? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would encourage you to really examine your motives here... Why does it matter to you? Take a step back and take a hard look at why you want to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just want your new friend to be comfortable enough to talk with you about such personal matters, that's one thing. If you intend to treat them differently because of their sexuality that's something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Judging by the tone of your question, I would recommend not asking until you're sure you won't be tempted to treat him differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are there any alternative ways for finding an answer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, there are. Patience is a virtue. If your friend is gay and they feel comfortable talking with you about it, they probably will at some point. &lt;strong&gt;For that to happen, just be a good friend and don't act like a homophobe.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to feel much more comfortable being open with people who come across as allies (people who may, or may not, be LGBT+ but support LGBT+ rights.) Basically it's easier to bring it up with people who I'm sure aren't going to be rude about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you absolutely must know... And your motives aren't great, and you can't be patient... Just ask. It's better to ask than to drop hints and be weird about it. But be aware that you're being a bit blunt and possibly rude and you're likely to alienate your friend whether they're LGBT+ or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T14:54:20.650" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-05T15:16:00.673" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why would you act gay sometimes? Do you consider it funny? Do you hang with people that find it funny? I know many people do find that funny, but the handful of homosexuals I know (of both genders) do not appreciate it if it isn't done by a known homosexual, and find it demeaning because it appeals to alienation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a similar dynamic as to why black comedians can use racist language describing blacks and black culture without offending most blacks, but other races cannot. A person &lt;strong&gt;from&lt;/strong&gt; a group making jokes almost certainly bears no phobia or hate of their group, but for people &lt;strong&gt;outside&lt;/strong&gt; the group, phobia or hatred is perceived to be the most likely reason a person is using pejorative language, demeaning stereotypes or laughing at behavioral or cultural peculiarities of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;To answer your question,&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't ask. If you are worried about how to handle a romantic interest in yourself by your new friend, I'd suggest talking about yourself when the opportunity arises: Your female crush in school, or female celebrity you consider attractive, or, when talking about the future, your hope to someday find a girl to marry, and become a father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to know his sexual orientation if he knows yours. The handful of homosexuals I know do not try to seduce known heterosexuals, they don't want to ruin their friendships. And like heterosexuals, nearly all homosexuals want sex with mutual desire: Nearly all persons would rather have sex with people that &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to have sex with us, not somebody repelled by the thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="4898" LastEditDate="2018-12-16T00:02:19.850" LastActivityDate="2018-12-16T00:02:19.850" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="8842" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-05T15:16:22.363" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on the comments, the implicit question is very different from the explicit one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explicit: How do I ask my new friend if they are gay? - You don't. If they want you to know they will tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Implicit: How do I ask my new friend if he thinks we are casually dating? - One way would be to make your own preferences known to him. See a girl you like? Tell him you like her. Have/had a girlfriend? Mention them in casual conversation (e.g. &quot;I used to have this girlfriend who got me into this TV show...&quot;). As long as he is aware that you are not interested in a romantic relationship with him it won't matter whether or not he is interested in you, he will likely get the message if he is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is still the possibility that he thinks you may be bisexual or still interested in a homosexual relationship with this approach, but as long as you aren't showing any romantic or sexual interest in him it is highly unlikely to be an issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is another option of course, just straight-up ask if he thinks you are dating. This will be awkward as hell but you will get your answer one way or the other and is more likely to end up as a humorous anecdote than a ruined friendship. If you do try this approach though I would focus on the dating aspect rather than his sexual preferences as that is unlikely to end well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5599" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T15:16:22.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-05T15:18:00.710" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So a bunch answers here already cover the actual question rather well. I'd just like to add a note on what your problem really is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not sure about your friends' interests in your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For that problem you don't actually need to know his own sexuality. All you need to do is make it clear what your interests are and see if he's okay with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it obvious that you are heterosexual and not interested in men. You can do this by talking about a potential future girlfriend you would want or might have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way there won't be anything ambiguous about your interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T15:18:00.710" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7245" CreationDate="2018-01-05T15:24:54.360" Score="-4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your mother loves you, and miss her little girl. Every time She looks at your photo, her heart melts with happiness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day, when you become a mother, you will understand the greater love in the world - the mother love to her children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advise to you is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Enjoy to your loving mother attention !&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Smile deep from your heart, when She photographs you !&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't imagine yet, how wonderfully it is, to rise a child. To care for it, when it's small. To play with it, when it grows a bit. To teach him, when it's bigger. To watch his first achievements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To see it growing an adult, and leaving home ... it's happy and sad day together. So happy, your child is a complete person. And a bit sad, it flees away, and set up it's own life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Love your mother back, She deserves that !&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11010" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T15:24:54.360" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8845" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8865" CreationDate="2018-01-05T16:04:06.303" Score="9" ViewCount="7093" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m [29 F].  My best friend (and roommate) [34 F]started dating a man [32 M]  that I had a crush on. He is also a good mutual friend of both me and my roommate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before they were dating, I had decided for my own reasons not to ask him out or make a move because I don’t think it would be a good fit long term with him. I thought I had gotten over my crush feelings for him. Then he asked my best friend (and roommate) out on a date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She knew I had a crush on him and asked me if it was okay that she started to date him. I said I thought it would be okay with me. But then I saw them together and felt terrible pain, sadness, loss, and rejection. She has been spending more time with him and I miss my close friendship with her. Now, we still have a friendship, but it is more distant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was also a close friend in a mutual group of friends we share (about ten of us total in the group of mutual friends). A week after they started dating I told him I had had a crush on him and it is hard for me to see them together. I wanted to share this to have open communication since we are all in a group of mutual friends. So now the three of us are all aware of my feelings and that this is a tricky situation. (The other seven friends don’t know but might be able to guess, because I haven’t been hanging out with the larger group if I know both my roommate and this guy are going to be there together). Both she and he have been understanding up to this point. They have not been hanging out at the house my rommmate and I share - they always go to his house and I’ve only been spending time with each of them individually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s been one month now they’ve been dating, and I’m still not comfortable seeing them together. I saw them together yesterday and burst into tears in front of both of them. She wants to start bringing him over to the house for dates. She and I talked about it last night what we should do to solve this situation. I’m okay with them dating, and even happy for them, (because I think they are a good match, and there is probably another man who exists that compliments me better) but I don’t want it rubbed in my face and I just want distance to finish healing and getting over him while mourning the loss of depth of friendship with my closest friend. But getting this distance is hard since I live with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She asked me for a timeline - she thought a month would be enough time for me to get comfortable having him over at the house seeing them together. I told her maybe three additional months would give me enough time (so four months total). She isn’t happy with this timeline as she feels restricted if he can’t come over to the house. I don’t know what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to ask my roommate to not bring him over for an additional 3 months. What's the most reasonable way I can go about this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10940" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T13:11:49.603" Title="Roommate dating man I have a crush on" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8711" CreationDate="2018-01-05T16:51:38.970" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there are control issues for both OP and his partner.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a control issue to not allow your significant Other to have alone time to themselves.  It is healthy for every person to reconnect with themslef and enjoy spending some  time alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also a control issue for OP to try to manage his partners emotions by lying about getting an apartment and deceiving her.  She is responsible for her managing her emotions and responses, and OP is trying to manage them for her and control her responses by hiding the truth (that he has a separate apartment).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dishonesty is always a signal that there is a control issue somewhere, even if the deception is with best intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who is “at fault” in relationships is rarely useful or accurate.  Responsibility is meant to be shared between any two people having an interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best suggestions for long term healthy relating is to read the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.  A quick and easy and enjoyable read.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, for resolving control issues and conflict, see the inner bonding website run by Dr. Margaret Paul. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as what OP could say to his partner, would be something along the lines of...  well being blunt is really the best way I can recommend telling her.&#xA;I have an apartment that I rent.  I’m not cheating on you.  I shouldn’t have hidden that fact from you.  I have a need for privacy and time alone to myself.  I’m open to meeting this need of mine through some other strategy which I’m open to hearing your feedback on.  I’d like to also work on being more open to learning about myself, my needs, my communication, and learning more about your feelings and experiences.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The OP has to let go of trying to control her emotions by hiding things from her, and accept that he cannot make her open to learning or accepting him or responding positively.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she was not open to him spending time alone, and she was accustomed to demanding that all his free time be spent with her, then it is not likely she will be open to it now, and OP needs to prep himself for that possible reality.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;He cannot control her being open or closed to understanding and meeting his needs.  It is more important that he learn boundary setting and learning to see the reality of who she is.  If she won’t respect your boundaries, then she isn’t respecting you, OP.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10940" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T16:51:38.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-05T17:21:48.680" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I even ask him at all?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;No.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As many other answers suggested, just make him feel accepted. Let's assume he is actually gay: you don't know how he lives his sexuality, if he embraces it or if, on the other  end of the spectrum, if he isn't even aware of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had more than one friend that gave me the &lt;em&gt;very strong&lt;/em&gt; feeling of being homosexual. It took &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt; for them to accept it and to talk about it. I couldn't just go there and say &quot;hey, you know what, I really think you're gay, are you?&quot;. All I could do is give them hints that I supported the whole LGBT+ community (well, I'm actually part of it which quite  eased the process) and then follow the flow of the conversation. That is... I was just being their friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you really want to &lt;em&gt;accelerate&lt;/em&gt; the process that brings him to disclose his sexuality to you, you can drop here and there positive comments about LGBT+ community. Something brief and easy, like &quot;Look, this shop has a rainbow flag on the door, nice of them to show support to the LGBT community&quot; and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a positive attitude towards LGBT+ folks, you create an accepting atmosphere around him. The following step, that is him talking about his sexual life, is up to him alone: he may decide to do it tomorrow or in ten years and it's okay either way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; often, &quot;I have plenty of gay friends&quot; or &quot;I act as a gay person with my friends&quot; do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; come across as positive comments; rather, they feel like the other person is saying &quot;Look at me, I'm so open-minded and accepting, I like gay people as if they were normal, now give me a medal for it&quot;. Sexuality should just not matter. Instead of saying &quot;My friend Mark is gay&quot;, say &quot;Oh I really like this song! Mark's boyfriend knows how to play it on piano, he does a very beautiful cover of it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T17:53:16.937" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T17:53:16.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-05T17:28:35.133" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Show him how much money he can earn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.upwork.com/o/profiles/browse/c/web-mobile-software-dev/nss/90/hrs/1000/?rate=60&amp;amp;user_pref=1&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.upwork.com/o/profiles/browse/c/web-mobile-software-dev/nss/90/hrs/1000/?rate=60&amp;amp;user_pref=1&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/VXXRg.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/VXXRg.png&quot; alt=&quot;video game programmer salary&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, programming is &lt;em&gt;hard&lt;/em&gt; and not everyone can do it. That's why programmers make so much. My mom got a Commodore-64 to learn typing and bought a BASIC book, and I was the one who finished the book. If he was destined to be a programmer, he would have been doing it by now. From this chart, you can see the average age that programmers started was 13.5. Very few are over 20. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/mU7G8.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/mU7G8.png&quot; alt=&quot;distribution of ages when started programming&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.startuplessonslearned.com/2009/02/teach-kids-programming-mr-president.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Source&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a gamer brother who is the same way - no motivation, no ambition, no perseverance. Maybe find another related skill he would take interest in. If you insist to keep trying, maybe start with Scratch, which was developed to help children learn programming with a drag &amp;amp; drop interface.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://scratch.mit.edu/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://scratch.mit.edu/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2124" LastEditorUserId="2124" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T23:26:55.287" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T23:26:55.287" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-05T17:43:11.007" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a few points worth discussing.  I will talk about my own experience, maybe you can show him this and it'll be some help to know what being an indie dev is actually like.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did my undergraduate degree in Games Design.  Bad decision.  It touched on the basics, but in the end I still couldn't make a game.  A few years later I decided to learn how to use Game Maker Studio.  I knew nothing of programming.  By the end of the project I knew something, and had brought a game from concept to completion.  I was smug.  It sold almost nothing.  I was sad.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later I regained some confidence, and decided to do a postgrad conversion course for people who wanted to learn programming.  I'd made a game, how hard could it be?  Turns out... quite hard.  Stuff like multithreading however is thankfully something I've never had to use outside of a classroom.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I graduated, got a programming job for an IT company, have been at that job for two years.  In that time I've also spent most of my spare time after work and at weekends doing games development.  Progress is slow.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For someone who wants to make their own game, alone or in a small team, you have to be the person who can implement their own ideas.  Small teams cannot afford a dedicated games designer writing design documents all day.  Because most people can't afford to hire a team of programmers, they need to be programmers in order to be designers.  I would go so far as saying it is preferable that you can code regardless.  The crux is that if you want to make your game, and not somebody else's game, then you need to be able to do it yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making a game is hard.  Very hard.  If you want to make games, you have to be willing to come home tired from a 9-5 and force yourself to write some code for a God awful problem nobody you know can help with.  You've been struggling for weeks, and feel like crying, because how is this ever going to be fixed?  To feel sometimes like you don't know if this will ever end, and to wonder if you're wasting your life.  To have genuine self doubt, and yet to conclude: No.  This is the right decision.  To have that bloody minded determination.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Spoiler alert: I fixed it.  So your brother needs to get that.  Maybe he can be your art department instead?  There's nothing wrong with that, but it'll not be any less work to learn and make what you need.  Whatever he does, he needs to be just as busy as you.  You're an ideas guy?  Yeah, get behind the ideas guy who can do art, or the ideas guy who can code.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that pep talk concluded, give him something like Unity or Game Maker. Tell him to think of making a very simple game.  One step at a time.  There's plenty of learning material online for those two engines (and others), and something like &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.tutorialspoint.com/csharp/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;TutorialsPoint&lt;/a&gt; will help introduce him to programming basics.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, after struggling with GML and Game Maker Studio, I read the first hundred pages of &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.stroustrup.com/programming.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Programming: Principles and Practice Using C++&lt;/a&gt; by Bjarne Stroustrup, which was enough to start with Unity and C#.  Just teaching him how to work on his own and solve problems on his own with the help of Google and StackOverflow is half the battle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show him how to use an IDE like VisualStudio, and the debugger, and hold his hand through basic C# (for example) tutorials.  Be patient.  Variables, functions, arrays, classes, etc.  We programmers forget how scary it is to begin.  I can't overstate how important it is for you to help him through those baby steps.  Be patient.  Not everyone is as mad as I to go it alone.  But if you support him through the basics, and get him able to do simple debugging and creating simple classes, he'll start to think of creating games in programming terms.  Then he'll get it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't convince him to do programming. He just needs to decide if he really wants to make games. Then he will realise he has to become a programmer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1923" LastEditorUserId="1923" LastEditDate="2018-01-08T14:26:03.390" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T14:26:03.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8852" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="240" CreationDate="2018-01-05T18:41:38.887" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are good answers here already about how to directly either get out of that situation or address the issue with your partner, but I'm going to take a different approach and suggest a shift in your own thinking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your partner is trustworthy and faithful to you, then another woman hitting on him is not a threat to you or your relationship, and is really just an affirmation that your partner is desirable. So try to take it as a compliment! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because my wife and I have a solid relationship (and did even back when we were just dating), she actually loves it when other women hit on me at parties. She finds it hilarious to see me try to steer them away from the flirtation (I can be a bit awkward in those situations), and I think she likes seeing confirmation that even though other people may be interested in me, my interests lie entirely with her. Same goes for when other men hit on her, she likes the attention and social affirmation, and when she's happy, I'm happy. We both know that at the end of the night it's the two of us who are going home together, and no amount of flirtation from others is going to change that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand if your partner is not faithful to you, this will be a good situation for revealing that in them. If that turns out to be the case (or you already knew that to be the case), then in most situations it seems to me that you are better off without that person. Trying to fight against a partner's impulses for infidelity seems excruciating and stressful, definitely not worth it. Find a relationship in which you can feel safe and secure and you will save yourself a lot of grief in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4649" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T18:41:38.887" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-05T18:51:28.077" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask about dating. Talk about your own sexual interests and history (somewhat indirectly) to give your friend an easy opportunity to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk about someone you're interested in and ask if he's interested in anyone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell a story about a past girlfriend, and ask if he's had a similar experience.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mention a celebrity you find attractive and see if he chimes in.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer to set him up on a date with someone you know (be prepared follow through!).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are ways to give him a friendly opening to disclose his sexuality if he is comfortable with sharing it with you. If your friend seems evasive or reluctant to answer, to be a good friend to him you should respect his privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How, if, could I make him explicitly say if he's homosexual&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the wrong attitude. &quot;Making&quot; someone disclose something they wish to keep private is interrogation, not friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11020" LastEditorUserId="11020" LastEditDate="2018-01-05T19:45:33.440" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T19:45:33.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-05T19:06:18.513" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's so strange to me that this seems to be such a complicated thing with so many answers and comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey. I'm curious about something—I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries. Are you gay? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know why it seems to be such a huge deal to everyone here, but I've never met any gay person who'd seriously be offended by this. Making it such a big deal would be more off-putting than anything, which I feel like all of the answers here are doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you guys are friends, and you recognize being gay as not a big deal, then treat it like &lt;em&gt;not a big deal&lt;/em&gt;. You're curious, so ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing that I'd &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; suggest is to find the most true and genuine reasons why you're asking this question. You don't have to tell us, or anyone, but you need to figure this out for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11021" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T19:06:18.513" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8845" CreationDate="2018-01-05T19:53:01.283" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if you can ask that she not bring her boyfriend over for 3 months in a way that would be considered reasonable.  On the one hand it is your space, but on the other it is her space too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps, you can ask her for a different compromise such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;not bringing him over for 1 month, then only having him over once a week&#xA;  for the second month, and then only having him over twice a week for&#xA;  the third month. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it is normal to need some space to sort ourselves out, if you really want to over come something your usually have to face it head on in the end.  Incremental steps are a good way to practice facing a hard situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example when a psychologist treats some one with &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=agoraphobia&amp;amp;rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS698US698&amp;amp;oq=agoraphobia&amp;amp;aqs=chrome..69i57j69i60j0l4.5453j1j7&amp;amp;sourceid=chrome&amp;amp;ie=UTF-8&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;agoraphobia&lt;/a&gt; she/he does so by getting their clients to voluntarily get closer and closer to the place they fear, until they learn how to cope with that fear courageously, so that it no longer interferes with their lives.  &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/JKazrj_HRuQ&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;See here&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully your friend will be more amenable to a compromise of incrementally bringing him over more often.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T19:53:01.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-05T20:38:09.283" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My experience is similar to many of the other posters to some degree, but I think it is important to stress how difficult it can be for us, as programmers, to see how confusing the language is to someone else who may be new to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that stuck out to me with your example in particular was moving the &lt;code&gt;P&lt;/code&gt; around on the screen. While to us, this seems like a trivial example, a non-programmer will have no foundation of understanding for even the simplest elements of that exercise, and your brother may get frustrated in the process of trying to understand how coordinates relate to the picture on the screen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my own experience I first &quot;learned&quot; programming in high school, and I did well, until I was given an impossible task (I was given the work without the literal files to follow the instructions). I felt like I had failed, gave up, pursued an English degree instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Years later I used VBA to automate a boring job task in Excel, then the next task, and the next one, so on and so forth. This is where I relate to your brother: if someone told me 'Learn programming to automate data analysis.' I would have been bored within the first ten minutes, and I likely still wouldn't program. Instead, I found my own value in the task, relieving myself of a boring job, and incrementally extended my abilities because the reward of doing so was the reinforcement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some ways, you may be able to give your brother a simple file, and let him manipulate and play with it. He may decide that the moving 'P' is too boring to manipulate, or he may instead wonder how to change 'P' to 'O', 'O' to 'MOVING', he may discover how to make it bounce off the walls, or change shape. Ultimately, he has to be interested in testing the code, and discovering &lt;strong&gt;how&lt;/strong&gt; the process works, otherwise he will absorb none of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had the fortune of having some great programmers teaching me what they know in order to help me reach greater heights, but in every instance I had to first truly see the value in the code before I used it. Its easy to know that abstraction is good, or that interfaces are useful, but its another thing to have to tackle that problem that can't be easily solved without an interface, or to struggle with a tangle of code that shatters if &lt;code&gt;i&lt;/code&gt; changes to &lt;code&gt;i + 1&lt;/code&gt; and changing that code to &lt;code&gt;j&lt;/code&gt; fixes it, but you forgot to fix it over here as well, and well now we are onto &lt;code&gt;k&lt;/code&gt; because you can't remember if &lt;code&gt;i&lt;/code&gt; was right, or if it was really &lt;code&gt;j&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, he has to be passionate about the work, before it becomes a hobby, otherwise it is just another job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7189" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T20:38:09.283" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-05T21:08:10.807" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;&quot;I feel like you stare at me a lot. What's up with that? It makes me uncomfortable.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you need to &lt;strong&gt;be very careful if you accuse&lt;/strong&gt; the person of anything formally. This is the type of thing that would be easy to deny even if it is true, and there is also the possibility that the &quot;like a piece of meat&quot; part is not true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you describe &lt;em&gt;could be&lt;/em&gt;, but is not &lt;em&gt;necessarily&lt;/em&gt;, harassment.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;A view into the other side of the fence&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I read your question, I &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt; thought of one of my female coworkers, and I'm male. Why? Because I take special notice of her and look at her more than other women in my work place. Why would I be so creepy (used extremely loosely)? Because she wears interesting clothes. She sometimes wears nice dresses, scarves, or other clothes that attract my attention. I stare at these things, but also this causes me to stare more even when she's dressed plainly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not attracted sexually, or even physically, to this woman &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt;. I know that she is nice looking even in plain clothing, but I like her only as a friend (sometimes as a motherly type of friend, and I appreciate that since I'm like an absent-minded-professor type).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People do not wear interesting clothes assuming that everyone is ignoring their apparel. If that were the case, more people would wear sweat pants and a t-shirt to work and nobody would care. People wear interesting clothes precisely because they do want to look more interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of the woman I mentioned above, I have noticed a few times that I have stared at her for too long. For example, one time she was wearing a scarf with images of flowers on it, and I realized I was examining the flowers long enough that it'd be awkward if anyone noticed, so I stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is another woman in my office who once wore a dress with a certain print on it, and I caught myself examining the dress print for a while. Usually though, it's just the 1 person I initially mentioned who I do this to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;em&gt;cannot be sexual harassment&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;that would be literally impossible precisely because there is nothing sexual about it &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt; in any way whatsoever&lt;/strong&gt;. You could argue that it is general harassment perhaps, though that sounds like a large stretch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this woman said to me any of the rude things suggested by other answerers here, may well ignore her, or say something like &quot;I'm not going to walk around with my eyes closed, and you happen to be in front of me.&quot; But if she were to notice and &lt;em&gt;politely&lt;/em&gt; let me know that she would like me to stop, then I would be more likely to try and stop myself. I could not guarantee that it will never happen again, as eyes wander when you're not thinking about it, but I would make a conscious effort to make her feel more comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;A gentle approach&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So whatever you do, don't overreact, be careful in your accusations, and don't be a jerk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I feel like you stare at me a lot. What's up with that? It makes me uncomfortable.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; Simple, not accusing, open-ended, gentle, short. If the response is denial, you could try &lt;strong&gt;responding with &quot;Just be careful what you stare at.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; If the response is affirming and sounds completely innocent, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Well it makes me uncomfortable, so I don't appreciate it.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; If affirming and containing anything derogative, dismissing, or negative in any way, that's your queue to make a case, and you can respond on the spot if you're up to it with &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Well it feels like harassment to me, so it needs to stop immediately.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever his response, your initial moves after that should act accordingly. I would be quite embarrassed to receive such a question, and that would be all I need to avoid the person, and I would probably apologize even though I was not harassing. But I know men who would not be phased at all and might even act worse after that. In fact, I know of one instance where a man retaliated by telling a woman, in front of co-workers, that she looked like a hooker because of her tall, black boots.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for anything! It could be nothing, but it could get quite sour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Tangent&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friendly advise based on the wise comment by @PoloHoleSet:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find yourself in my position mentioned above in the &quot;other side&quot; section, it might be a good idea to say something to the person so that you can attempt to set their reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if it seems awkward, trying to provide a &quot;Nice outfit.&quot; at least once might change the perspective of the person being viewed. Just be very careful how you say it, and keep it simple, to avoid accidentally causing the problem you're trying to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In OP's case, if the viewer had ever made a casual, friendly comment about her shoes, for example, then she might feel very differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3245" LastEditorUserId="3245" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T18:25:28.487" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T18:25:28.487" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-05T23:04:37.820" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everyone has different ways of learning something, depending on themselves on what there is to learn.  I would learn nothing about programming by watching videos; instead I learn it by doing it.  Someone else might learn from videos or books.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still programming isn´t something you can teach.  It requires experience which you only get from doing it.  You can, to some extend, help someone to know what is involved, and from the very beginning, that someone needs to do the understanding by himself, like learning to read.  From there, the learner needs to explore it for himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can´t teach someone to ride a bicycle.  Even when you teach all the physics involved, the student will not be able to ride it because it requires experience, which he can only get by doing it.  This is how you can not teach programming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Programming is a skill, like reading or riding a bicycle.  There are things you need to know to do it, and only those are the ones that can be taught.  The skill itself can not be taught, it can only be developed by the learner --- and the learner will only do that if he wants to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might able to tell your brother what all is involved in making a game, and perhaps he finds something among that which he wants to learn.  If not, he won´t be able to make a game and has decided to make himself helpless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Programming is not difficult or frustrating at all, especially not nowadays with all the great tools available and the machine not freezing up when the program doesn´t work, as they used to, and it´s fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps everyone learning it would be well advised using a 35 year old computer and some suitable programming books, and no more.  That keeps him focused, and he can´t play the game before he entered the program himself, which gives some incentive.  The learning then comes all by itself, simply by entering it because he can see how it´s done and inevitably starts thinking about changing it, and then doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give someone some sort of game development software, or a fully fledged C/C++ compiler and mumble something about classes and methods, and your learner will be totally overwhelmed.  Give him something simple and straightforward written in a simple BASIC variant --- if you can still find one --- or, alternatively, in perl, print it out and have him enter it himself, and he might just learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess a learner needs a chance to understand the problem which is to be solved by programming before starting to program.  The next step could be to show them how to split up the problem such that a computer can deal with it; then show and explain the actual implementation.  You need to start with the most simple problem you can think of, not with one of the most difficult ones like making a game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11030" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T23:04:37.820" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-05T23:34:02.900" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a programmer working in the games industry, so I have plenty of experience with people trying to get me to make their game ideas. In an industry where pretty much everyone has more ideas than they can ever make into reality, ideas are absolutely worthless unless you have the skills to help push them into being. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the skill he contributes doesn't have to be programming. If your brother has or is willing to develop artistic skill he could provide the art assets for the game. I frequently find that I get bogged down trying to produce even remotely passable art for my home side projects. So having an artist partner can be super useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, if someone doesn't care enough about their idea to learn a skill to help make it a reality, then you shouldn't care about their idea either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11031" LastActivityDate="2018-01-05T23:34:02.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-06T00:44:42.130" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Right now your brother seems not capable of focussed work for just ten minutes. If he cannot do that, then software development is not for him. So don't try to convince him to enter the profession, it's not going to help anyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your little brother has ideas. It's been said elsewhere, ideas are ten a penny. So to create anything of value, he must have more than just an idea. Ask him to actually start the design of a game. Not just an idea. Let him write down how the game starts. What things the user can do, what effects the user actions have, what actions are produced by the game. All needs to be designed in detail. Whatever makes the game great must be in his design, he cannot rely on the programmer(s) to make the game engaging. The game designer needs to do this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or ask him to find out what is needed to sell a game. From starting a company, filing taxes, paying developers to create the game, finding publishers, and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T00:44:42.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8845" CreationDate="2018-01-06T07:00:41.247" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to ask my roommate to not bring him over for an additional 3&#xA;  months. What's the most reasonable way I can go about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking for this in and of itself is not reasonable, however your question is not asking for a reasonable way, just the &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; reasonable. For this I suggest you try and calmly articulate how you feel and why you feel this is necessary to your friend and then listen to her response. Keep in mind it is fine to ask a friend for something unreasonable, but to demand it is incredibly rude, so if she says that you are asking for too much then unless you want to ruin your friendship I suggest you accept her response. After all, even agreeing to one month is very giving of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;She asked your permission, you said yes and then you confessed to him one week into their relationship.&lt;/em&gt; - You are lucky that your friend is not super upset with you about this, it can quite easily be interpreted as you trying to sabotage their relationship out of jealousy. Did you do this openly and with your friends permission? After all, she asked your permission to go on a date and you only had a crush on him... they were actually going out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;mourning the loss of depth of friendship with my closest friend&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to comment on this. It may be presumptuous but it seems as though this fact has less to do with their dating life and more to do with you and your inability to deal with it. You said &quot;but I don’t want it rubbed in my face&quot; however I would argue that your friend has been doing quite the opposite. She has been going out of her way to cater to you by not bringing her SO over for over a month. It is very common and natural to want to spend time with your SO, if you are feeling a loss of depth with your closest friend, then logically that would be because you refuse to interact with her when she is with her boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although unfortunately self inflicted, I think this loss of depth is most certainly not beyond repair. It may be hard, and it contradicts your actual question (refer to the start of my answer for that) but I whole heartedly encourage you to accept and engage with every part of your friend, in this case - especially the part that has been dating this person for a few months and wants to spend time with them. Her relationship is most likely a big part of her, and if every conversation about it ends up being around why it makes you uncomfortable then that will be a larger contribution to your growing apart than anything else. It is clear she still values you as a friend so I think working towards fixing that may be worth considering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T07:00:41.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8845" CreationDate="2018-01-06T08:06:22.803" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try to talk to them both, perhaps not in the way you're thinking. That's for several reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a good bond and trust between all three of you, and the difficulty is that your emotions are stronger than you realised they would be, even though you're happy for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stand on their side of things, especially his side of it.  They may be unsure what you feel, and/or if you resent them - and even if &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; is fine, its very unclear whether &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; has the same understanding of what's going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can be open with them both - and it doesn't have to be a big deal to talk about it - then you can make sure he understands how you feel, and what your request is about, and that its about finding ways to handle the emotions, and not resentment or jealousy or trying to undermine your female friend in a competitive or passive-aggressive way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you're clear about your real feelings, exactly as you wrote above, and that you want them to understand you are happy for them but need to find a way to get past the emotions of it, and the fear that you'll lose 2 friends not just 1 over time (a common fear).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then tell them you can't figure what to do alone, and wanted to ask (&lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;tell&quot;) them what's best to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2018-01-06T16:09:23.180" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T16:09:23.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8867" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8869" CreationDate="2018-01-06T13:07:13.893" Score="5" ViewCount="1219" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple years ago I moved away from the city in which I went to university. During my time in this city I made a friend, let's call him Bob. I felt my friendship was very close with Bob. We had gone on several trips together and knew each other's family. After I finished school, I moved to another city. I tried keeping in touch with Bob through text messaging, but he didn't really seem into it. After a while he stopped replying altogether. I sent him a text wishing him a happy new year, and got a reply that he doesn't know who I am and I got the wrong number. I replied &quot;is this Bob?&quot; and he replied &quot;no&quot;. I then went to a mutual friend to get Bob's number, and from this response I got the same number I had been using all along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure what to do next. Bob is a carpenter and doesn't have social media like Facebook or email, and in general doesn't like technology. I don't want to put mutual friends into the middle of this. If Bob really doesn't want to be friends with me, I'll accept it, but I'd like to know for certain. For example, it is possible that my mutual friend isn't aware of Bob's new number. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My other friend I made while going to school, we talk on the phone frequently and reply to each other's Facebook posts. Bob just has a different personality, he's very non-technical and finds it difficult to type on a keyboard. If he's just not into exchanging text messages, I get that, but I would like to know that if we're ever in the same city we'd visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BTW, one of the reasons I think Bob may be pretending not to know me, is because if a person doesn't recognize a number they usually say &quot;who is this?&quot; not &quot;I don't know you, you've got the wrong number&quot; (especially to a thing like &quot;happy new years&quot;). I guess I could phone him and see if I get his voicemail, but that doesn't seem like the right thing to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I find out whether or not Bob still wants to be friends with me, and get back in touch with him without putting mutual friends in the middle? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11047" LastEditorUserId="11047" LastEditDate="2018-01-06T13:28:54.580" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T03:51:14.233" Title="How to find out if my friend is ignoring me or if I have the wrong contact info?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-01-15T13:32:58.200" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8868" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-06T14:29:59.127" Score="2" ViewCount="452" Body="&lt;p&gt;Backstory: I caught my school (private secondary) grade 9 student cheating in examination (third terminal). So, I took his copy and told him to go out but he didn't and kept standing in his seat begging for me to give his copy back. He kept saying &quot;Sorry Sir! I won't do it again&quot; and I repeatedly said not to disturb others and go out, which he still did not. All this happened in his Compulsory Mathematics examination (3 hrs) just before 2nd hour.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;I hold his copy for about 25 mins while he stood there misty-eyed, so I gave him his copy back and told him not to do that again. He thanked me and got back to writing. Even after this examination he said sorry for his behavior. As a teacher I haven't had such incident before as this is only my 2nd year teaching. Only few of my colleagues knows about this and I am thinking of telling about this incident in our meeting held after this examination is over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: This is an internal examination taken by our school and not a final examination. We haven't had this type of issue in my school that I know of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how should I have handled this situation? Should I have been more strict than I was in this particular case?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am from Nepal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5987" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T15:14:00.603" Title="How should I handle the situation when I caught my student cheating in examination?" Tags="&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;&lt;nepal&gt;&lt;students&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-01-07T01:34:44.810" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8869" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8867" CreationDate="2018-01-06T15:01:02.003" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do not waste much time and energy thinking about some text messages about which you do not even know whether they came from Bob or not. &lt;strong&gt;Some&lt;/strong&gt; people may usually ask “Who is this?”, but some may also react in the way as you have described it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; way to find out whether Bob wrote this or not is to confront him &lt;strong&gt;in person&lt;/strong&gt;. Maybe he has changed his phone number and you don’t know it because he hasn’t told anyone or many people yet or thought that he told it some people; but as you say: He is not very tech savvy. So, he might &lt;strong&gt;think&lt;/strong&gt; that he has informed anybody, but he hasn’t done that in reality and does not even know it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you &lt;strong&gt;have to&lt;/strong&gt; contact mutual friends in order to see him in person and ask him if this is a misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11049" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T15:01:02.003" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8868" CreationDate="2018-01-06T15:14:00.603" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am from Russia and here we think different. I'm far from my school years and academy but I remember it all. No matter how badly he cheated it's not good to act like you did in front of the whole class. His friends and other students shouldn't see him in such a state, it's bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, it's best to ask him out for a minute and explain to him what he did wrong. That is what our teachers have always done. We had a teacher who was acting like you did and we hated her really, the whole school did. It's not what you'd want. Whenever people start hating you they won't love your lessons and they won't like anything in your class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've got to be strict but you need to try to be in their skin too. Of course you need to give a student a chance to make up for their mistake, bad behaviour or anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's best to try to remember what it felt like when you were their age. Of course cheating is prohibited at all costs but you need to make it be a father to son conversation about right and wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11051" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T15:14:00.603" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-06T16:16:48.533" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may be very different in other countries but in Russia our girls do it plain simple. I had that once myself, I liked a girl at work, she was very sexy and her voice was amazing so I often looked at her and listened to her speaking. Well, one day she just asked me directly why I was staring at her and I just said that she was very beautiful. She actually liked my compliment and since then we were friends. Surely you may not want to be friends with the person who likes you (otherwise why would he scan you) but I still think that a direct approach is the best choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are all just people you know. You may ask him why he's doing it. If he's a maniac then you can tell your boss, if he is shy to tell you how much he likes you then you can either help him if you aren't shy yourself or tell him that his behavior bothers you and is in fact very abusing. I wouldn't call this harassment since he is just looking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, he's a co-worker and you are bound to come across each other often so it's best to avoid conflict and get friendly. Just try to find out why he's doing it. Take a friend of yours along if you are afraid of the consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11051" LastEditorUserId="11051" LastEditDate="2018-01-07T09:08:57.177" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T09:08:57.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8873" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-06T17:00:34.787" Score="3" ViewCount="643" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't know, this is sort of an extension to a &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1399/why-dont-people-initiate-conversations-with-me&quot;&gt;question that I asked a while ago on this site.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really need some help because people don't start conversations with me and no one wants to do anything with me. I keep trying to initiate conversations with people but it ends within 2 seconds because they don't talk back to me. I don't understand why but I feel like no one wants me/cares about me a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get incredibly confused throughout the day because I find it quite hard to understand what's going on around me or why people are saying things to me, and it makes me so upset and worried/scared. I really don't know what to do. I ask myself questions like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Why are they saying that to me?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Why did he/she do that to me?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Why doesn't he/she care about me?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Why can't I be the one who is talked to?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Why is he/she ignoring me?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Why can't I be more significant?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I just can't answer the questions. I'm not deluded and I don't think anyone should talk to me I just can't think of the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried to solve the problems myself by trying to make people do things with me or talk to me. I have tried so many things but people always so no to me. I feel like a lot of people only talk to me to pass the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do? I really want someone to want me. Is it the way I look or act? I just want to know why I can't be significant and important to anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2607" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T17:00:34.787" Title="How can I try and make people want to do things with me and talk to me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-01-06T18:29:34.490" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8875" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-06T18:24:13.943" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel many of the answers here are assuming too much and escalating too quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving another person the benefit of the doubt, especially in a setting where you will interact with them again in the future, can often be more productive. Even if the person is doing wrong, leaving them a face-saving way out can do miracles for the future work climate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start without aggression and escalate in steps. You've ignored his behaviour so far, so working your way up slowly doesn't sound like it would be impossibly demanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step One: Let him know that you know. Try to catch his eyes when he is in the &quot;up&quot; part of &quot;looking up and down&quot;, and simply say &quot;hi&quot; or &quot;hello&quot; or whatever an appropriate office greeting is in your environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step Two: If he keeps doing it after he should have seen that you noticed him, it is time for one of the friendly verbal putting-on-notice answers already given. &quot;Can I help you?&quot; is the best, IMHO, as it is the least aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step Three: If he didn't get the clue, now is the time to be blunt, but still not aggressive. &quot;I notice you seem to stare at me a lot. Why?&quot; The small word &quot;seem&quot; gives him a last option out, but it will only work if he immediately stops doing it. And ending with a question puts him on the spot, as common behaviour requires him to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step Four: Some people are just dense, or socially awkward. So if he does it again after step three, it's time to clearly voice what you want: &quot;Ok, you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; staring at me. I do not like it. Please stop doing that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step Five: Involve a manager or HR. You gave him every chance, you asked him clearly to stop, he didn't. Time to destroy him. From here on out, it is a confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this might seem like a long way, but if you actually reach step five, and you kept notes of the other steps (write down at least the date and time, the location and what yours and his reactions were), then you are perfectly set up for a confrontation even if it involves HR, the legal department or even lawyers and courts. Nobody can ask more of you than what you did, you were patient, you were clear, you pointed out what he is doing wrong (staring at you), why it is wrong (you don't like it) and that he should stop doing it. There are legal terms for all of that which I don't know in English (not my native language), but it can be important that you didn't immediately escalate to a confrontation. If you can stand it for a few more days and go through these steps, it can only work to your advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T18:24:13.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8867" CreationDate="2018-01-06T23:58:01.273" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I find out whether or not Bob still wants to be friends with me, and get back in touch with him &lt;strong&gt;without putting mutual friends in the middle&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your only way of contacting him is his phone number, just &lt;strong&gt;call him&lt;/strong&gt;. Maybe it's going to be a little bit awkward, but it's the only strategy I can think of &lt;em&gt;without putting mutual friends in the middle&lt;/em&gt;. Moreover, you have the right to ask him what's happened and why he stopped replying to you: I think that the awkwardness is more on his side than on yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-01-06T23:58:01.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8635" CreationDate="2018-01-07T05:39:38.500" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The tradition among my friends is to organise stag/bachelor parties for soon-to-be married grooms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you attend the other stag parties in your circle?  It's doubtful your friends would allow hypocrisy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't, then your friends are already familiar with your preferences and policy about debauchery.  Stay consistent.  With your behavior over the next few years, demonstrate that, while you're not looking for a fight, you are going to withdraw, physically and emotionally, when you see your friends behaving disrespectfully toward women in front of you (including comments).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the time comes, unless you've seen a change of heart in the men in your social circle, secretly plan to spend the last week before the wedding out of town, or with a relative whose house the hedonists will respect, such as your mother, as described by RDFozz.  Best would be if they didn't know where you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will help if you build up your assertiveness with these friends, between now and then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T05:39:38.500" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8301" CreationDate="2018-01-07T09:03:55.507" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It looks like both of them are behaving childishly. Now, this is quite expected from a 16yo, but not from a 27yo. I mean, sulking around for two weeks for admitting he was wrong? Come &lt;em&gt;on&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite this, I believe that it will be easier to point it out to your sister. While both teenagers and adults do not like been called out on being childish, the latter ones will find it a more outrageous offense than the former ones. Generally speaking,  teenagers tend to want to grow up quickly; you can second this desire while telling her some means to improve her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start by telling her that &lt;strong&gt;both of them are at fault&lt;/strong&gt; and that the whole thing is rather childish. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to her as if she were an adult; even better, &lt;em&gt;declare&lt;/em&gt; it. Something like &quot;I don't want to scold you, you're an adult and we can talk like adults do&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then proceed to &lt;strong&gt;uncouple his behavior and her response to it&lt;/strong&gt;: it is her choice to take as an offense what he says. Make her feel in power of her own emotions and not &quot;carried away&quot; by them. I think this is fundamental: you give her the key to carry less stress without him changing behaviour. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then point out the (obvious) corrections to her behavior that would make life easier for everybody, that is to take her own keys and to open the crates of the tiny dogs. Underline the &lt;strong&gt;responsibility&lt;/strong&gt; in this: adults behave as to decrease the frictions with others, not to increase them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The overall tone of your speech should be encouraging, understanding and as if you were entrusting her with the responsibility of the atmosphere of the house, while not entirely responsible for its degradation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Separately, you can do the same speech to your friend, of course skipping all the explicit statements about him being an adult. In particular, make it clear that little modifications of his behavior (&lt;em&gt;just open that freaking door with no drama&lt;/em&gt;) can be of great benefit in the house. Underline with him as well the uncoupling of your sister's behaviour - his response to it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, if you persuade at least one of them to behave as a grown-up, all the tensions will fade away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T09:03:55.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-07T09:34:12.633" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, asking somebody's sexuality is really problematic most often. I'm from Russia and here this is either very simple or quite complex depending on the person. The easy way is this: you firstly think whether you really want to know their sexuality or not, if you do then you think of a way to ask them. Most often people here ask questions like, &quot;&lt;strong&gt;What do you think of gays or lesbians&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; to see the person's reaction. Most often they open up and tell you the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people ask, &quot;&lt;strong&gt;What do you think about homosexual relationship&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; whereupon they will probably tell you the truth too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are quite friendly with neutral questions. It's better not ask someone directly as it may offend them. Gay people are somewhat outcasts here in Russia and people treat them badly so even if he is one he might lie if asked straightforward but he might slip out the truth in discussion about homosexuality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, often, it's best to avoid such questions after all and just leave the person along. They'll tell you eventually some day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, one more thing, even if you hate or dislike gay people it's better not to show or tell them this since it might offend them much and you may lose a friend. Surely this depends on what your personal thoughts are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: If he drinks then you might take him out for a drink and then start this discussion after a few takes. While drunk he would probably be easier to talk to and the topic will most probably flow in a friendly way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11051" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T09:34:12.633" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8883" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8774" CreationDate="2018-01-07T09:51:56.057" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a non-native speaker and this seems to be a problem even if you aren't a native speaker. Well, using recasts is indeed one of the best ways but often it won't help people understand the recast itself without explanation so often you are bound to add a comment for them to understand why something us wrong. When I speak to learners of English they often ask me to show them their  mistakes, correct them and explain them. Most often this leads to teaching them which isn't okay really since you aren't their teacher (and probably not a teacher all in all). I often simply ignore the grammar errors or mispronounced words of people unless I can't get what they are saying. If their mistake leads to misunderstanding then I correct them and try to explain why they were wrong. The main point is to have people understand what you've to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, the accepted answer says right, recasts is still the most efficient non-embarrassing way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11051" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T09:51:56.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-07T11:06:45.473" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One tactic I sometimes use with people I am only getting to know is to make some tangential statement about a hypothetical current or future partner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I see you really get deeply into [some game or hobby], when you start up with&#xA;  a girlfriend (or boyfriend) you'll have to introduce them gradually so&#xA;  they get a chance to learn how to enjoy it before trying to play at your&#xA;  level of intensity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's it. The conversation goes along. The opening is there for them to share if they want to, and avoid if they would prefer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yes, I know it's generally none of my business, but basic human curiosity is tough to squelch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And by the way, the OP's statement &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I myself act jokingly as if I am gay rarely with close friends&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;makes me wonder if he is either in denial about being a bigot or starting to question his own sexuality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T11:06:45.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8886" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8301" CreationDate="2018-01-07T12:56:28.540" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's start with the key/doorbell thing first because that is a situation where right and wrong are quite clear, and there are practical solutions available. &lt;strong&gt;Your sister doesn't mind forgetting her key.&lt;/strong&gt; That's normal for a child, but she's transitioning to adulthood now, and forgetting your key is not ok when you're an adult. Sit down and work with her on that, including asking her to come up with solutions. She could wear the key on a lanyard, buy a phone case that has little pockets she could keep the key in, hide another key outside, always check she has the key before leaving, or many other practical approaches. These all hinge on her agreeing that &lt;strong&gt;it's not ok to forget her key.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, when she has forgotten her key, it is &lt;strong&gt;not acceptable&lt;/strong&gt; to ring the doorbell. That may have been an option at the parental home, or where the two of you lived before, but &lt;strong&gt;it is not an option in this home.&lt;/strong&gt; Period. She can text you, she can sit on the doorstep until someone comes home to let her in, she can retrieve the hidden key, use it, and hide it again, but she cannot ring the doorbell. She needs to understand that if she keeps ringing the doorbell, the pair of you may end up homeless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you two have spoken, and you have come up with strategies for (a) never forgetting the key and (b) never ringing the doorbell after forgetting the key, you can talk to the room-mate. I would tell him that there is a plan in place and you're hoping to see immediate improvement on the doorbell front. Then ask him for some time on the letting-dogs-out thing, saying something like &quot;I want to work on one thing at a time, teenagers can be stubborn.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, I suspect she sees the dogs as enemies right now. They keep &quot;getting her in trouble&quot; by barking when she rings the bell. She's not motivated to help them or respond to their requests to be let out. Once the whole key/doorbell nonsense is behind you, she might be able to show them a little common decency and let them out. But in a sulky &quot;if you idiots would just realize it was me at the door and not bark&quot; mode, she doesn't. So give it a week of successful no doorbelling and then see if letting the dogs out is something she can start doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, if the room-mate kicks you out, that will stop the doorbell situation immediately, but it won't get the dogs out of their cages any more often. So it's less of a deal-breaker situation. Always tackle the most urgent thing first. She can even learn from the first one that she can take steps to make life around her run smoother, and that this is not the same as backing down or losing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T12:56:28.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8536" CreationDate="2018-01-07T13:23:13.847" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consent is basically about communicating in a way that lets you avoid doing things that make your partner feel bad. It's about being open for what the other person wants and not about getting the other person to do what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, you can ask yourself whether she consents to you asking those questions during sex. Being good at communication means that you listen to another person in a way that you will do things you otherwise wouldn't have preferred. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some girls like to be asked a lot and others don't. Being good at communication means that you talk with your girl about what she likes and come to an agreement about how you two interact that's pleasureable for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you are saying your communication problems also exist outside of coitus. She prefers that you don't ask her during coitus and you don't seem to really understand why she has that preference. Talk to her about it outside of sex and try to understand her side of the story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you talked to her to understand her preferences and found an agreement about how you interact with each other the question of consent becomes a question of whether or not you stick to the agreement you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="92" LastEditorUserId="92" LastEditDate="2018-01-08T11:52:47.880" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T11:52:47.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8824" CreationDate="2018-01-07T14:19:33.797" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can ask about their relationship, much as you would ask that with any other friend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;So, do you have a partner, a girlfriend or a boyfriend?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By explicitly not presuming which they have, or what term (including gender-neutral) they tend to use, you yourself open a space for them to answer how they like. You also imply you are comfortable with these and open up the area as being 'safe', without coming across as having an inappropriate reason to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this way, you don't ask their sexuality, but you make clear you aren't presuming their choice. If they were to be curious, you have a host of reasons to explain why you asked, because this is common social inquiry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Oh, I feel a bit awkward asking how you are and not even knowing if I should ask how any partner you might have, is. I don't want to feel like I'm being rude or indifferent. So I asked&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Just curious, you know?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I don't want to accidentally ask about a girlfriend if it's actually a wife or husband in your life, or something, or have it not being a safe thing to ask about.  It's not impossible:) and I'd feel an idiot for getting something that basic wrong!'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Well, you know I have a girlfriend, I'm interested to know if someone's lurking in the background in your life too&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Well, maybe they would want to come over or go out as a group/have some friends along&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;You know about me /you know about (name) - I was wondering what's up in your life too&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware they may not answer in a way that answers your actual question (they may not have a partner right now, or may be bi or asexual, or may say &quot;it's complicated!&quot; or whatever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need to ask more directly, then its always a useful technique to self disclose: &lt;em&gt;&quot;Well, you know I'm straight and  (seeing NAME / not seeing anyone (since WHEN/since LASTPARTNERSNAME). I wondered about you.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  (Mentioning 'straight' like this, also implies you're open to other alternatives in his answer and not assuming.) At the least he will know where you stand, even if you don't know the details of where he stands. At best he'll also reply in kind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever he says, follow up on it with interest and at least some dialog. (If he has a bf or something, &quot;I didn't know that! Was it easy? Did you always know? Do you want me to keep it to myself or does everyone know?&quot;) That way its clear there is no awkward silence and they are left feeling more sure you accept them as a friend, so the friendship is strengthened even as they learn where you are at. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2018-01-07T22:40:30.120" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T22:40:30.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8615" CreationDate="2018-01-07T15:04:40.313" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I improve the quality and smoothness of my reactions in social interactions, without having actual conversations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;learn the topics: in some cultures it may be the weather, in other cultures it may be a popular television show. If you learn what topics are prevalent at coffee machine you can form opinions about them. Positive opinions do better in general.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;authenticity: to gain respect it is important that you have your own opinion. Being authentic in your ideas and lingo adds value to a conversation. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;eye contact: keep natural eye contact. Do not have laser-eye contact that will pierce through the back of the skull.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;make compliments: seek eye contact when you're giving a complement. Your conversational partner will check both your face and eyes for honesty. Giving a compliment increases the change your partner opens up to you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;tone of voice: the way you say your lines impacts the perceived importance people allocate to the contents of what you're saying. For example, you can enthusiastically say &lt;code&gt;I see-EE-ee&lt;/code&gt; instead of an abrupt &lt;code&gt;I see&lt;/code&gt;. Along with that you can show your enthusiasm with your face and body. For instance, throw a smile and nod. Although this might differ between cultures.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;facial expressions: Keep your face relaxed. Well-timed dynamic facial expressions that show that your listening will do well. Practice smiling in the mirror. When something funny is said use your practiced smile. Keep it as honest as possible. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;body language: mimic the body language of your conversational partner. Point your toes toward him or her. If you want to break out of the conversation point your toes away. &lt;a href=&quot;https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/6101/d0fd6f00679d56b60c12d4f97377ebc29cf6.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Bodily cues&lt;/a&gt; can change the interpretation of facial expressions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;enjoy: chitchatting isn't just social glue. You can actually learn new and interesting things or people. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I expand my conversational vocabulary?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learning and applying conversational vocabulary is like learning any other skill. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;motivation: Why do you want to improve your chitchatting vocabulary? What is the value of attaining the goal?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;end goal: Where do you come from? Where are you now? Where do you go?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;targets: You need to set targets and practice until you've mastered the skill. If you hear someone saying &lt;code&gt;I see, stretching your legs&lt;/code&gt; and you want to use it yourself, find an authentic and cool way to say it and practice it in real-life. Express your face and body accordingly. A target could be &lt;code&gt;say 'stretching your legs' to my neighbor once a week&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T15:04:40.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8891" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-07T16:51:30.803" Score="5" ViewCount="336" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few examples I've struggled with is scheduling scrimmages with a VR League I play in; I have four people on my team's availabilities to manage in conjunction with 5 others on a different team each week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely negotiate a time and date without feeling like I'm arbitrarily imposing a date on my teammates?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="95" LastEditorUserId="95" LastEditDate="2018-01-07T18:00:19.540" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T11:58:30.263" Title="How do I schedule an event with multiple people?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8891" CreationDate="2018-01-07T17:02:58.983" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is awfully broad. There are basically three approaches:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;choose a schedule (on your own or in consultation with the group), announce it well in advance, and expect people to schedule around it. Every other Wednesday, period. This works great when it's important enough that people will decline other opportunities because they have your event already scheduled. It also helps if you can get by with less than full attendance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Negotiate the &quot;best&quot; time for each occasion, using the various apps and web sites for this purpose (the field changes constantly, so I won't recommend one) and announce the date with very short notice, knowing that it's free for everyone. This can be annoying for the other people in your team's life who literally don't know if their spouse/partner/parent/child/roommate are busy Tuesday night or Wednesday night until the voting is finished. It also has trouble if one person's no-go date is consistently getting chosen by the rest of the group, and there's worry about favouritism and exclusion. It's most useful for a group that has a lot of other variation in their schedules, so they aren't consistently free Wednesdays, for example.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Set up a rota of people who choose the date. They can choose however they like, including negotiating with everyone else, arbitrarily setting a day, or whatever. The idea here is that it will work out fair in the end. Some days Steve will choose a date that excludes Bill, but Bill will get a chance to choose a date so will not be missing too many events. It also shares the workload, which can be significant, of chasing people to update their calendars or submit their votes or whatever.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are a small team that needs 100% attendance and doesn't have a lot of &quot;I can do it Wednesday but only if it's at my house, or I can do it Tuesday anywhere&quot; kind of high-thinking constraints, then the negotiating can work. But if you can get by missing one or two, I strongly recommend just picking a pattern and sticking to it. It can be &quot;every Wednesday night&quot;, or &quot;the 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th, 25th and 30th of every month&quot; (that one wanders around on what weekday it hits) or a set of dates chosen by dice roll, as long as it's well known and the understanding is that being on this team means making these dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T11:58:30.263" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T11:58:30.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8895" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8898" CreationDate="2018-01-07T19:10:57.313" Score="1" ViewCount="183" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am laughably bad at choosing gifts for people. It’s very, very hard for me to come up with gift ideas, even for people I know well (most relatives, including my wife.) It’s almost like a form of aphasia! When one of my kids develops a new interest, I can use that to help choose, but most of the time I either have no ideas, or bad ideas. Having just been through another disastrous holiday season, I’m determined to improve. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question: could you please explain, as if to a Martian, how you’d go about choosing a pile of presents for your significant other for a birthday, etc. How can I choose eight gifts for Hannukah? Where do the ideas come from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I’m not interested in gift suggestions!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11082" LastEditorUserId="11082" LastEditDate="2018-01-07T19:38:02.307" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T20:52:40.307" Title="How do you choose holiday gifts for relatives" Tags="&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-01-08T01:40:47.697" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8536" CreationDate="2018-01-07T19:28:03.770" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(This turned out to be a lengthy answer but, a few minor deviations aside, it is on topic.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is an ambiguity in OP's post that jumped out at me (all highlights mine):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she gets mad when I ask her if she can perform orally on me. &lt;strong&gt;She&#xA;  literally says &quot;don't ask it!&quot; and then proceeds to do it anyway&lt;/strong&gt;. And&#xA;  similarly when I'm going down on her, I like to check whether things&#xA;  are going ok and that she's enjoying it, &lt;strong&gt;so I ask her &quot;how does that&#xA;  feel?&quot;, to which she again replies &quot;don't ask!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is clear from OP's interpretation that he feels his questions are the source of his girlfriend's frustration. Going by the words he wrote in his post (e.g. &quot;She&#xA;literally says &quot;don't ask it!&quot; &lt;strong&gt;and then proceeds to do it anyway&lt;/strong&gt;) it is also possible that there is something else going on. Without his girlfriend here to clear that up it is impossible to say with any certainty what that might be. But it is not a stretch to infer that this couple's awkward communication style makes their sex sessions pretty awkward also. Which brings me to my next point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Information sheets and pamphlets published by the public health authority and sexual assault prevention groups in my area routinely state that &lt;em&gt;explicitly asking&lt;/em&gt; for, and obtaining, unambiguous consent are a must before engaging in sex. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, they warn, and it is important to &lt;em&gt;communicate&lt;/em&gt; with your partner before engaging in oral or anal sex or any other act that may require &lt;em&gt;additional consent&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems OP is doing exactly that...and yet. A problem with the explicit approach to consent is that Anglo-American cultural is not sex-positive (to say the least) and talking directly about sex still makes people uncomfortable. Imagine a guy asking a potential female partner...&quot;So hey, do you want to have sex with me?&quot; Yeah, no. It's more like &quot;Do you want to come to my place and watch some Netflix and chill?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, explicit asking is just not very erotic or romantic. And although it is almost a thought crime to say so in 2018 girls (i.e. young women) tend to like their male sex partners to be dominant and in control in the bedroom. (Why this is the case is an open debate...but it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; the case and pretending otherwise won't change that. Don't shoot the messenger please.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what can we do to improve communication between the genders?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few things: a) Teach men from a young age to be more in tune with people's emotions, body language and non-verbal communication cues, b) teach women from a young age to be more assertive and feel comfortable expressing their needs and desires...and c) teach and discuss &lt;em&gt;honestly&lt;/em&gt; and from multiple perspectives the role of power in sexual desire and gender roles/expectations and how these manifest themselves in the context of human sexuality and western society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, this is not going to happen any time soon as a cursory glance at the quality of public discourse around these issues shows. Dark times ahead indeed, but I digress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good news, OP, is you as an individual are free to learn whatever you want whenever you want, time permitting. If you want to better understand what women are communicating to you I suggest learning how to read non-verbal cues and body language...it takes time and practice but it can be done. There are lots of books, podcasts and websites that can help you get started. I would also think about how you and your girlfriend communicate...not just during, or about, sex but generally. Is it easy for you to understand each others needs or are there frequent misunderstandings? Talk to your GF about this (but not necessarily during sex!) and always try to communicate your points clearly and unambiguously. Let your GF know when you are unsure what she is trying to convey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that males and females in our society have somewhat different base communication styles, direct and intuitive respectively, some compromise is necessary. If you learn to become more intuitive by practicing the skills mentioned above, and she becomes more comfortable asking  directly for what she needs you'll balance each other out and live happily ever after. Well, maybe not but you will be a happier couple and happier couples have better sex. And I almost forgot...listening. If you learn how to listen not just to &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; a person says but &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; they say it, you can pick up a lot of information about their mood, state of mind and the subtext beneath their words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One does not have to spend much time in our society before realizing that a significant number of women (particularly young women, particularly when men are involved) do not feel comfortable asserting themselves. In dangerous or traumatizing situations &quot;freezing&quot; is a common reaction. The socialization process and fear of violence at the hands of an abusive male are the commonly accepted reasons for this. The former is slowly changing but there is nonetheless still enormous pressure on women to be quiet and demure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many men still have a &quot;I'm a dude, I can't read body language or indirect hints&quot; attitude. Women have an edge here but, using myself as an example, reading non-verbal cues and practicing active listening came naturally to me (perhaps because I grew up with sisters). Admittedly I am a rarity among men, at least in my circles, but I've known a few guys who took the initiative and learned these skills for themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is obvious to non-partisan observers (both women and men) that the current discourse on gender roles and expectations has become bogged down and...a bit unruly. Those eagerly awaiting the ushering in of a new era of enlightened man, woman and Jedi are going to be waiting for a while yet. But nothing is stopping us as individuals from observing how our opposites communicate and learning some of those skills for ourselves. This helps us be more effective and empathic communicators (and better partners and lovers) and as a side benefit loosens the gender straitjackets we wear just a tiny bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for reading. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS - Don't have 50 points yet and can't leave a comment but this needs to said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Upper_Case (replying to OP) writes: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I wouldn't classify those questions as anything like sexual coercion,&#xA;  but&lt;/strong&gt; it's a bit off that you are 100% committed to making sure she is&#xA;  an eager participant in these activities except for specific cases&#xA;  that are important to you, in which case you are disregarding her&#xA;  feelings completely...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You take the guy to task quite harshly considering it is impossible from his words alone to infer a serious breech of sexual etiquette, let alone anything worse. And then you pull a classic &quot;I'm not at all accusing you of X BUT...&quot; move. That is so underhanded and uncalled for. If you had no intention of mentioning something, you would not have mentioned it. But you did mention it. That's kind of like me saying &quot;I'm not calling you an asshole or anything, but there's something really distasteful and sleazy about your attitude.&quot; No, technically I am not calling you an asshole, but effectively that is exactly what I'm doing. Hypothetically of course.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11071" LastEditorUserId="11071" LastEditDate="2018-01-07T19:35:22.810" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T19:35:22.810" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-07T20:31:59.443" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer is from a strictly &quot;Interpersonal&quot; view..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a very similar situation with my brother around that age and at least for us the problem turned out to have nothing to do with programming and everything to do with interpersonal relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Siblings have this tendency to want to differentiate themselves from each other.  At least in our case, my brother had a resistance to programming because it's what I did.  I could have never taught or convinced him (I did try) because it was coming from me--I was the expert even though I could absolutely see that he had the potential to be at least as good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After he moved out of the house he went through a few non-technical jobs before drifting into programming on his own from a completely different direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He became a fantastic programmer/manager/lead/architect for a medium sized company and has been so for a couple decades. I don't think I could have led or pushed him into it though--I tried.  He would not have been taught by me, he would have resisted (unconsciously).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if I look at it from that point of view, what would I do in your case?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given your description, I'd probably get him to download the Unity framework (As the accepted answer suggests).  I tried this lately because a HUGE percentage of games are starting to be released using Unity.  Thing is, once I downloaded it they started pestering me with emails trying to entice me to run though their tutorials (and they have a LOT of tutorials/help for beginners).  They are very good at holding hands and it is pretty easy to bring up a game that looks quite non-trivial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also--don't download/learn/use it yourself.  Let him become the expert in something.  Even if you can't answer a question, that's great!  Let him work it out for himself--you can always sit with him and look up an answer on SO together.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure this will work, but I think it would have for me and my brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2273" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T20:31:59.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8895" CreationDate="2018-01-07T20:52:40.307" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to focus on the bit where you say: where do the ideas come from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try not to buy holiday gifts near the holidays. Instead, all year round, I keep a weather eye out for things I think my loved ones would like. Come December, I have something for almost everyone. I also listen carefully to what they say and what they look at in shops. If they express a desire for something then that goes on the &quot;possible&quot; list. This especially works for things that they'd like but they can't justify buying for themselves for whatever reason. Another check if they use them is wishlists on Amazon or other online stores, if they use those. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know they have a particular hobby, you could try looking at related items. If you're bewildered by their hobby (easily possible!) then internet forums specific to it might help you out some. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if you're aiming for a &quot;pile&quot; remember that not all the gifts need be really significant/different. My parents almost always buy me some socks and small clothing like that, and some chocolates/other food, to make something that looks like a &quot;pile&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10464" LastActivityDate="2018-01-07T20:52:40.307" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8536" CreationDate="2018-01-08T01:11:53.067" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You want to make sure you don't cross any lines and do something she doesn't want.  She doesn't want to discuss it &quot;in the moment&quot;.  You probably can't anticipate every possible situation and negotiate it in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/8539/106&quot;&gt;this answer&lt;/a&gt; that consent conversations are best held at a different time.  The two of you should try to have discussions about what you each &lt;em&gt;generally&lt;/em&gt; like and don't like.  She might say &quot;it's always ok to do X&quot;, giving you blanket consent, or she might say that X depends on other stuff (which is why you have a problem -- you don't know in any given case).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An approach to this uncertainty that I've heard friends describe is the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safeword&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;safeword&lt;/a&gt;.  Instead of discussing things or guessing, the two of you agree on some word -- one that would not otherwise come up, like &quot;armadillo&quot; -- that means &quot;stop&quot;.&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;  If either of you says it, the other stops what they're doing.  To this some people add a &quot;yellow light&quot; signal, a word that means &quot;back off&quot; or &quot;slow down&quot; but stops short of &quot;stop&quot;.  Use this if you're concerned that either of you would be afraid to initiate a &quot;stop&quot;.  The two of you negotiate the safeword(s) &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; that by default each of you consents to the continuation of whatever's happening right now.  Combine this with easing into &quot;escalations&quot;; your partner needs the &lt;em&gt;opportunity&lt;/em&gt; to object to some new thing you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why use a safeword instead of just saying &quot;stop&quot;?  Because sometimes &lt;em&gt;mock&lt;/em&gt;-resistance is part of the play for some couples.  If that's not true for you, if she is actually willing to say &quot;stop&quot; or &quot;slow&quot; and you are actually willing to heed it at all times, then just do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; Choose words that are easy to say and remember in the heat of the moment.  &quot;Red&quot;, &quot;yellow&quot;, and &quot;green&quot; are reportedly common.  (Thanks apaul for this addition.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-01-08T13:58:18.193" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T13:58:18.193" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8900" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8934" CreationDate="2018-01-08T02:30:58.450" Score="15" ViewCount="174517" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've read about &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/7185/how-can-we-ask-neighbours-to-be-more-quiet-without-escalating/7186&quot;&gt;asking neighbors to be more quiet&lt;/a&gt; but none of the answers help my situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in an older apartment building and my neighbor(s) upstairs tread very heavily when walking on their floor, and this causes my ceiling and even floor to &lt;strong&gt;vibrate&lt;/strong&gt;. Listening to music doesn't drown the thumps, and earplugs haven't helped either. It feels like small earthquakes all the time, from when I come home from work to 2am and sometimes even later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never met them, and I've already asked the property manager to kindly ask them to be more mindful, but nothing has changed in over a week. The thumps started months ago, so I guess it's a new neighbor who perhaps ate a fridge, because I haven't had this problem before. Knocking into the ceiling with a broomstick hasn't helped. &lt;strong&gt;Perhaps I should knock at their door and say... &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/strong&gt; I'm pretty sure they don't do this intentionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there some good solutions for this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11087" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-01-08T21:06:49.830" LastActivityDate="2019-01-14T03:27:07.267" Title="How can I get my upstairs neighbors to stop stomping on my ceiling?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8900" CreationDate="2018-01-08T06:05:55.033" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had the same problem.  Somehow, it always seems like the noisiest neighbors are always stomping around late at night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no magic &quot;hack&quot;, but there are a few things you can try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Check the rules for your complex.  In my case, I live in a condo, and one of the rules is units on the upper floors must be carpeted, no hard floors.  You said &quot;apartment building&quot;... unfortunately this step really only applies if the units are actually condos (with individual owners) rather than apartments that are owned and managed by the building.  But, you might get lucky and find that the upstairs neighbor is required to install carpet and has not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Ok, &quot;indirect&quot; methods have failed.  It's time to confront the upstairs neighbor.  My advice is to be as polite as possible.  There's a very good chance that the neighbor is a decent human being and doesn't want to keep you up all night.  So, if you knock on their door and start yelling at them, they're very likely to slam it in your face and redouble their stomping... whereas if you are friendly and polite, they may take pity on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Good, your neighbor is a reasonable person and is willing to discuss options with you.  The simplest might be having them avoid wearing shoes inside, or buying them a thick rug as you mentioned (anti-grav boots are tough to find though).  More complex would be getting a carpenter to, say, fix a squeaky or especially &quot;thumpy&quot; board.  But, in any case, you're kind of at their mercy, so maintaining a friendly connection is key. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) You tried step 2, and discovered that either a. there's nothing the neighbor can do to reduce the noise, or b. they're not a decent human being and refuse to cooperate.  Unfortunately, I think if you get here, you're probably out of luck.  If the building is so old that any normal person will make noise walking in it, there's really nothing you, the neighbor, or anyone else can do about it (short of convincing the building management to invest in fixing the problem).  If the neighbor refuses to work with you and management isn't willing or able to get them to comply, I can't think of anything else except hope they move out...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, summary here is: clear and polite communication with the neighbor.  It's much, much easier to be a jerk to someone with no face that is banging on your floor with a broom than it is to be a jerk to someone with a face who is being nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, and let us know if you have any success!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11090" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T06:05:55.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8903" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8906" CreationDate="2018-01-08T08:52:32.157" Score="97" ViewCount="23755" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am almost 50, my partner moved in with me a few years ago (I was a widower before then), we have no children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this period, I've grown a little more frustrated that I don't get much time to myself to do the things that I want to do - I work all day, and when I get home, I have to do whatever my partner is happy with (&quot;Happy wife, happy life&quot;, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I attempt to watch something on TV or a film that my partner isn't interested in, she gets agitated/bored and I feel I need to stop so that she's more relaxed again.  I end up having lots of things saved on the DVR box (or simply not record them at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She goes out maybe once every one or two months, where I get a couple of hours to myself in an evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried asking for a bit of &quot;man&quot; time, but she's surprised that I don't want to spend time with her and asks if there's anything wrong.  She often seems to mistake my frustration with me not liking her (which isn't the case at all).  I can see that me asking for some time to myself in my own house can be seen as me attempting to eject her out of the house for a while and I can see how she could this as a rejection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'm a little stuck. How do I negotiate more &quot;Man&quot; time for myself without offending my partner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2018-01-08T10:31:59.613" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T12:08:31.623" Title="How do I negotiate more &quot;Man&quot; time for myself without offending my partner?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8900" CreationDate="2018-01-08T10:34:23.317" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your first approach should be a friendly one. Remember that whatever happens you have to live next to them, so wherever possible you want to keep peaceable. While you have spent however many months getting angrier and angrier at the noise they make and likely built them up in your mind as your arch enemy, chances are they don't even realise the noise they are making. I recommend attempting a friendly call on them and in a tactful way let them know that the walls/ceilings/floors are very thin (this softens the blow as you're kind of blaming the building, not them so much) and explain that the noise of them walking on their floor is very loud in your apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HOWEVER.... there have been similar questions asked before, and I am not the only person who has included advice on checking your legal position before anything. This is sometimes criticised as not being an 'interpersonal solution' but it is important to know your position before you approach your neighbour. This doesn't mean that your first attempt at an interpersonal resolution is to throw the law or apartment rules in their face, but forewarned is forearmed and as the rules differ from place to place you should know where to take the conversation if your initial approach is unsuccessful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So having checked your position, I would suggest you say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I'm [name], I'm your neighbour from downstairs. I don't know if&#xA;  you are aware but I'm getting a lot of noise in my apartment through&#xA;  the ceiling. I don't think the building is insulated so great. I was&#xA;  wondering if there was anything you could do to reduce the noise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they respond well, you will hopefully see an improvement if they make a concerted effort to be quieter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't respond well then just follow whatever route your landlords/local authority advise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T10:34:23.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8900" CreationDate="2018-01-08T10:59:26.967" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;New neighbour? Perfect, you have the perfect chance to be super nice, welcome them and inform them about the &lt;em&gt;super thin floors of your building.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As suggested in Selvek's answer, be nice. Put the blame on the structure of the building, not on the fridge-eaters, and make it a general problem that all the condo faces: explain that since it's old it's like living in a bongo, so &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; has to be extra careful in remembering to not wear shoes inside. &lt;em&gt;Some of the neighbours&lt;/em&gt; also considered buying carpets! Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are willing to become a closer acquaintance of them, sandwich this problem between a warm welcome and some chit-chat about yourself. Make questions about them, be interested and act as to set the foundations of a good neighbours relationship, offer your help for whatever problem they could have etc. If you become the &quot;supernice neighbour&quot; to them, it'll be easier for you to raise the issue with them again should it be needed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T10:59:26.967" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-08T11:38:20.297" Score="82" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, don't worry that you don't always like to do the same things. Compatibility is often more about how you deal with issues like this than the things you have in common.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you don't like watching the same kind of things on TV. This is the same with my wife and myself. She likes period dramas, I like some sci-fi, but there are things we both like... we both enjoy crime dramas and comedy. However, both my wife and I are pretty independent. We both lived alone for years before we got together (we've been married 2 years). So my personal experience is that she is just as keen to have some time to herself as I am, which is great. We have two TVs, we both have tablets, so if I say I'm going to do something alone she just responds &quot;great, I can catch up on some of my mindless drivel&quot;. Okay, so she doesn't use that expression exactly. But we're both happy to do some things alone knowing there are other times we can spend together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could perhaps the problem be &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; that she actually resents you watching programs you like, but rather you feeling guilty about it? So she looks bored... does she actually say she is bored, or voice an objection? And when you change to watching something she likes, are you bored? Do you suffer in silence? If the answer to any of these questions is 'Yes' then there is a distinct lack of good communication. You're both being passive, she isn't saying that she doesn't want to watch your shows; meanwhile you're stopping yourself watching them on an assumption she wont.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a conversation about this problem, don't come at it from an angle of YOU want 'man' time and SHE is stopping you. Because from the details you have given, that may not be the issue. Plus it isn't just men that need time to themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both need time together, both relaxing (perhaps watching something on TV you both enjoy) but also communicating (perhaps eating together, away from the TV so you can talk properly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you are in a relaxed setting perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've felt a little frustrated of late, feeling like I don't get time&#xA;  to do things I enjoy such as [state hobby, or watching favourite TV&#xA;  programme]. It isn't your fault - I think its because I feel guilty&#xA;  when we're not doing things we both enjoy. Do you think we could have&#xA;  some set time each week where we can both catch up on the things that&#xA;  we like to do/watch by ourselves?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think this is reasonable and she does not, then it may be that she is just that bit 'needier' than you. But if you are a good team with similar goals then this doesn't spell disaster - you might need to balance your request out with some guaranteed together time, perhaps even a date night or something. You may find that by communicating more and not always defaulting to being together in front of a screen results in you both feeling more content and comfortable with time alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-01-08T11:44:31.447" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T11:44:31.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-08T11:44:30.367" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;Balancing &quot;me&quot; time and &quot;us&quot; time is the key here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I work all day, and when I get home, I have to do whatever my partner&#xA;  is happy with (&quot;Happy wife, happy life&quot;, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No you don't. This doesn't mean not do anything for your partner or with your partner but you definitely don't have to do something with her every day. It's as simple as that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I attempt to watch something on TV or a film that my partner&#xA;  isn't interested in, she gets agitated/bored and I feel I need to stop&#xA;  so that she's more relaxed again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Your&lt;/em&gt; partner is responsible for finding things to do so to not feel bored when you want to watch TV. It's not your responsibility to make sure she never gets bored or agitated. It sounds like your partner doesn't have her own interests or hobbies. If this is the case, perhaps you could help her with that but entertaining your partner on a daily basis isn't your job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time she feels bored or agitated, just don't stop doing what you're doing. Encourage her if she wants to talk about her feelings or why she feels this way but explain to her that you don't even need &quot;me&quot; time everyday and that you shouldn't feel you're doing something wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you enjoy spending time with her, make that time really special and fulfilling for both of you. Most couples get bored when they always do stuff together or when they are around each other too much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Encourage her to take up a hobby or to go out more often with friends or try to understand why she feels rejected when you actually do spend time with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have tried asking for a bit of &quot;man&quot; time, but she's surprised that&#xA;  I don't want to spend time with her and asks if there's anything&#xA;  wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time, don't ask. Just do what you would have liked if you were alone. You could tell her that you wish to watch a movie or TV or whatever but you don't need to apologize or make it sound as if you are afraid of her reaction. You can always tell her that you are more than happy to do x, y or z with her but right now you want to do a, b, or c. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line: Have a conversation with her where you try to understand why she feels the way she does especially when the majority of times you do spend time with her and you do try to make her happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T11:44:30.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8536" CreationDate="2018-01-08T12:51:26.153" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;During a play, the actors don't ask the crowd whether they like their performance or not or if they would like to do something differently. This would ruin the performance. They may talk about it after the play. I believe that it is something similar with sex. Although some communication is essential (your partner might hurt or not like to do something at all), too many questions ruin the whole feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's nice to have a conversation after sex and ask your partner if she liked a specific thing that you did and if you could try something else the next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I would not advise asking general questions like 'did you like it?' because they might seem insecure but I would stick to  specific questions like 'did you enjoy that specific thing that I did?'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3538" LastEditorUserId="3538" LastEditDate="2018-01-08T13:23:02.100" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T13:23:02.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8820" CreationDate="2018-01-08T12:58:50.993" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I convince my brother to take up programming?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I see it there are misconceptions on both sides here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The problems with you:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to have fallen for the common misconception that playing games or having ideas for games make you somehow prone to be a programmer or to work with technology in general. However this is not the case at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plugging in the HDMI into the monitor and PC for your mom doesn't mean you are tech support now. Similarly just describing a program you want doesn't make you a programmer nor a designer, there is much more to it than a layman would consider - as a programmer yourself you know this to be true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of this you should stop to have these expectations of your brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The problems with your brother:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer: What I am about to say may seem mean or offensive to you, but this is what I got out of your description of him.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your brother is a leech.&lt;/strong&gt; He has high expectations of the product and expects a lot of you while at the same time claims a lot for himself but doesn't contribute a lot. Everyone can fling ideas about what they like in a game without any context. But has he done anything to proof that this is actually doable or even fun? Any good concepts, tests, comparisons, ...?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Don't do it.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He doesn't know what he wants.&lt;/strong&gt; You started multiple times to introduce him to programming but he aborted after an incredibly short time. And now he wants you to believe that he will have the patience and endurance to sit down and learn from a bigger piece of code you have written? What a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Don't do it.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He is over confident.&lt;/strong&gt; This also seems to apply to you. He has absolutely no grasp of how much work this project is going to be and either overestimates his abilities or underestimates the work - or both. You guys seem clueless about the amount and type of work that has to be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Don't do it.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He is a wannabe game developer.&lt;/strong&gt; This isn't uncommon on the internet and not really a surprise if you consider the combination of inexperienced kids/teenagers with a superiority complex and anonymity. Everyone thinks they know what the game is missing and how it would be better. But how many people actually have experience with that? How many of these people can do or have experience with doing artwork, animation, maths, graphics, programming, voice, music, storytelling, character writing, level design, gameplay design, ...&#xA;On which of these points can your brother assist you with a valuable contribution? From what you have told us it seems like none.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Don't do it.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In conclusion&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not someone you want to start a project with. If you start with the conditions as they are right now you will do everything, with little to no contribution from him. You will notice this after just a couple of weeks (even days or with him in minutes) and the project will come to a stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What you can do&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually put down a written concept of what you expect from the game and what you think has to be done to achieve that. There is a lot you should watch out for here but as this is InterpersonalSE I am not going to go into this here. However teamwork certainly is interpersonal so I will recommend you to write down who can/could/should do what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Programming isn't something you are just going to convince someone to pick up. You can learn the basics quick but if you want to be good you need to put in a lot of time in order to gather experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has to want the product bad enough to put in work by himself and thus learn programming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T12:58:50.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-08T16:37:41.337" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mentioned in comments you are interested, so here are my thoughts on TV/hobby time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although she may get bored or annoyed by some of your favorite things, she is your partner and it sounds like you get on well so I think it is very reasonable to assume that if you express how much you enjoy something (such as favorite TV show) she will either be happy to encourage/give you space to do it, or even try and take up the new interest herself to grow closer to you. The latter here is why I recommend asking for TV/hobby time rather than time &lt;em&gt;away&lt;/em&gt; from her where she may still encourage you to do what you want but there is no option to get closer to you and you risk making her feel pushed away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I might say is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I heard from a friend that they thought Fargo was brilliant and I am really excited to see it. Now, I know you aren't really into dark comedy shows but I was thinking of watching it over the next week and you are welcome to join me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your partner wants you to be happy so if you say something like this then you need not feel guilty about watching it, and hopefully she will be glad for you too. You have also said that you know she doesn't typically enjoy it, but offered anyway. So now she has the choice to join or not and will not feel forced into anything, if she does not want to join then take it as you are each doing separate hobbies and you are also each happy for each other to do so, and if she joins you know it is because she wanted to and you can truly enjoy the magnificence that is Fargo, without any worry or guilt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T16:37:41.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-08T16:55:00.007" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe you are phrasing the problem incorrectly, you say you want more &quot;Man&quot; time because she expects &quot;Us&quot; time but actually, by allowing her to always determine what you watch/do, you are joining her during &quot;Her&quot; time. There are 2 problems with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No &quot;Me&quot;/&quot;Man&quot; time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No/Low Quality &quot;Us&quot; time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone needs their personal time to do the things they enjoy, currently you are giving your partner your time and starting to resent her slightly for this, enough to ask strangers for help, presumably not enough to hurt your relationship. The longer this continues the worse the situation will become. She needs to know how you feel. As you are spending &quot;Her&quot; time together she likely considers this to be &quot;Us&quot; time (if you aren't enjoying it, it isn't) and so may not understand why you want so much personal time when she doesn't. The truth is that she's already getting more than her fair share. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But how to resolve this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1 - Normalisation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The effectiveness of this method will depend on how entrenched your current patterns of behaviour are. Essentially you simply start doing more things you want to do and get used to her looking bored. Be sure to give her the opportunity to do her things and watch her shows as well with an even a split as you can. You can do this gradually, pick a series you want to watch and watch it regularly. Once she is used to the idea that at a certain time you will be watching that series she will either find something else to do on her own or she will stay with you and watch it in spite of her preferences. Even if she looks agitated and bored, stick with it, you need balance to maintain a healthy relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2 - The Millennial Solution&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will often see young people glued to their phones even in the company of friends and may think that they aren't enjoying each others' company. The truth is that they are simply harnessing technology to solve this exact problem. By each enjoying the things they enjoy whilst being in one-another's company, they can share the highlights of their own activity making for quality &quot;Us&quot; time without losing their &quot;Me&quot; time. In other words, get a tablet or laptop and some earbuds so that you can watch your shows whilst staying in the same room as your partner. Don't cut yourself off entirely, be sure to have pauses for conversation, offer to make a brew and so on as you would normally. The &quot;Me&quot; time won't be great quality but it will exist in much better balance. You can then have regular quality &quot;Us&quot; time by having meals out or going for a walk together or other shared activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 3 - Hobbies&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Encourage your partner to find other activities that she likes. Maybe a book club or wine tasting. This will be easier if you do the same. You only need one night a week to make a huge difference so don't go overboard and suggest loads of activities as that will make it seem like you want her out of the house (which admittedly you do) rather than you wanting her to enjoy herself (which you also do). I would also suggest finding a hobby that you can enjoy together to improve your &quot;Us&quot; time as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 4 - Communication&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Already mentioned this earlier but I feel that it needs repeating. Tell her how you feel. I know you've already done this but it sounds like your focus was on her going out more rather than you choosing what to watch more often. She must decide if she is willing to put up with your choices or find something else to do, you can't dictate this, but you have to let her know that you need to be able to choose what to watch as often as she does. Remember that you aren't pushing her away here, she can still be right there with you if she wants, but that's her decision. She can always use Option 2 herself and occupy herself with a second device without leaving your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately you have helped to create this situation by setting the level of expectation, the &quot;normal&quot;, and now you seek to change this to rebalance things in your favour. There will be resistance to this, it won't be easy and could take a long time, but the longer you let this continue, the more you will begin to resent it and by extension, her. For the sake of your relationship, get to work fixing the problem you helped cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5599" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T16:55:00.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8774" CreationDate="2018-01-08T17:41:48.387" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A quick note on my credentials: I'm a native English speaker who lives in Spain and speaks Spanish fairly well, so I have faced the same issues in both directions. In addition, some friends who don't speak Spanish natively ask me to correct their Spanish, and as the leader of the translation/interpretation team in a bilingual church I give (and receive!) feedback from the other members of the team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... I find it quite frustrating if ... the conversation gets derailed to be about language. Also if I get corrected too often ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already identified the two big problems: correcting without derailing the conversation, and being selective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address the first problem: &lt;strong&gt;take responsibility for getting the conversation back on track&lt;/strong&gt;. Sometimes that means saying, &quot;I'm not quite sure: do you mean XYZ?&quot; If you understood correctly, a simple reply means that the conversation isn't derailed. If it's more involved - perhaps a situation which calls for &quot;I think you mean FOO: GOO is a type of XYZ&quot; - then after letting your interlocutor acknowledge and maybe practise the pronunciation you can bring it back with any suitable link. Maybe you can get back smoothly by just answering the question as though the aside had never happened; but even if it's as unwieldy as &quot;How did we get onto this?&quot; it still sends a message that you want to get back on topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address the second problem: it doesn't usually take long to gauge someone's error rate. By the time you know someone well enough to trust each other (i.e. that you can trust that they will trust you to be correcting them in order to help them rather than to feel superior to them) you will know whether their errors are few enough that you can just correct each one when it comes up or whether you need to pick and choose. &lt;strong&gt;If you do have to be selective, start with mistakes which are repeated&lt;/strong&gt;. If someone gets a construct right most of the time then they probably already know the rule and just haven't fully internalised it. Pick one or two high impact mistakes: words or constructs which they use frequently and often get wrong. Correct those and let everything else slide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, if you're giving feedback to someone after a presentation rather than directly in the flow of a conversation, pick one thing to correct. (And maybe balance it with one thing which you can compliment: this is a useful tip in general for giving feedback).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... I am not sure whether it’s a good idea to correct them ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a separate issue. If someone has asked me to correct them, I will apply the above. Also, if they're a friend, I will apply the above. (See the comments on trust). With random people who choose to speak to me in English I won't correct them unless I'm genuinely unsure about what they mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4831" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T17:41:48.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-08T17:53:24.420" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently discussed this topic with a therapist, and will pass on her words of wisdom (as I understood them) - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many couples come to view themselves as basically two inseparable pieces of a single entity.  This can create the impression that any &quot;air space&quot; in the relationship indicates a problem.  However, the reality is, the best relationships are between two people who are complete and independent.  Thus, when both people have the time and space to do what's important to them, the relationship actually becomes stronger and more fulfilling, rather than feeling like something that is trapping or limiting you.  Individual and shared experiences complement each other - if you did something interesting by yourself today, you'll have something you're excited to talk about with your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here are my suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Talk to her! (I know, this one is novel, right?)  I won't go into detail here, since this has been covered in just about every answer.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) If you discuss this with her for a while and still aren't able to get on the same page, consider seeing a therapist.  This is a tricky one, because seeing a therapist has negative connotations and either you or your partner could interpret it as meaning your relationship is in a bad place.  But it is just a means of having someone provide an outside perspective.  And it shows your dedication to making sure there are no misunderstandings.  Your partner may be getting agitated when you watch something she's not interested in because she's afraid that means you're losing interest in her.  A good therapist can help immeasurably in helping clear up that common misconception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Make sure your partner understands that you absolutely support any hobbies or interests that she has but you don't share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11090" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T17:53:24.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8914" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8845" CreationDate="2018-01-08T17:59:16.020" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have sympathy for your situation. I can well remember from my own time living with friends how overwhelming such situations can be. Things that affect you in your home, where you want to feel safe and secure can be the most unsettling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I think you should consider that you are asking for the most reasonable way to make an &lt;em&gt;un&lt;/em&gt;reasonable request. There are ways that you can make the request more reasonable, but ultimately it is not sustainable for you to seek to control your friend’s life in this way for any extended period and you can only achieve this with her co-operation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has said that she is willing to change her life for a period to help you. That is extraordinarily generous of her. At a time when she wants to be enjoying her new relationship she is still worried about your feelings and willing to go out of her way not to hurt you. She is being a good friend to you, so this is an opportunity for you to be the best friend you can be to her, her partner &lt;em&gt;and to yourself&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about what you are asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Really think.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The month she suggested plus another three: that’s seventeen weeks, a hundred and twenty days… what are you going to do with that time? What can you do in 120 days that you can’t do in 30? Time is mostly useful for forgetting, but you won’t forget because every day the time until she is back will get shorter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the things you can do with 120 days is spend them building up in your mind how terrible it is going to be when ‘your time is up’, four months is a long time to build something up into a terror it needn’t be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;120 days is a long time to expect a friendship to survive on starvation rations. How will you feed and nourish your relationship with your friends over that time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;17 weeks is a long time to keep a friend from enjoying her own home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;17 weeks is a lot of time to push your friend away for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;120 days is a lot of time to feel lonely in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel you really must do this, I suggest that you bring a whole load of accommodations that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are willing to make when you ask for this huge thing.&#xA;Practical things: Don’t make all the inconvenience theirs, make most of it yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She pays, I assume, for her share of your home. Be prepared to compensate her for her reduced access to her home. Pay some of her&#xA;rent, her share of the utilities.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to make yourself scarce some of the time. Go visit family, book yourself a B&amp;amp;B for a weekend, sign up for a class that&#xA;means you are out for a regular period each week. Busy yourself doing&#xA;things, don’t just be ‘not at your home’ be doing something you enjoy&#xA;and are engaged with and if that doesn’t seem possible at first; fake&#xA;it ‘til you make it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don’t try and hog or divide the friendship group. Don’t use their&#xA;shoulders to cry on. What can anyone do? They are together, you and&#xA;he aren’t. Don’t make it awkward for everyone. And if that seems&#xA;tough; fake it ‘til you make it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be prepared to work on yourself. I am not a counsellor, physiatrist&#xA;or anything else, but it seems to me that your reaction is&#xA;disproportionate and perhaps unhealthy. Maybe you are sad about other&#xA;things, maybe you have concerns that counselling or something could&#xA;help with. I suggest that you be prepared to explore that with your&#xA;healthcare provider, or whatever avenue is available to you. &lt;strong&gt;Don’t&#xA;fake that&lt;/strong&gt;. Expecting other people to stay away from their home because you can’t deal is inherently &lt;em&gt;not reasonable&lt;/em&gt; and in my view you need to get yourself to a mental space where you can see that and handle it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ve not been in exactly your situation, but close enough that I can remember how inescapable it all felt. I actually asked someone to delay starting a relationship with someone else because of my feelings. It wasn’t reasonable and in retrospect I’m glad they declined to accommodate me. I moved out of the house, got some counselling and moved on. I don't say that this should be &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; solution (my situation didn't involve best friends in the same way so the stakes were different, perhaps lower), but it is something you should be prepared to consider if you really don't think you can endure the current living arrangement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ll leave you with this thought:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be reaslistic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Four months of this is really likely to permanently damage your&#xA;friendship. It &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; survive better if you take yourself out of the&#xA;shared home voluntarily rather than pushing your friend away.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In the end you are the boss of you, and only of you. Try taking an active role in coming to terms with their relationship, don't &lt;em&gt;wait&lt;/em&gt; to feel better; determine to feel better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Four months of this might be really, really bad for &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; mental&#xA;health. Look into getting professional assistance, four months&#xA;dwelling on this is bad news.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T13:11:49.603" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T13:11:49.603" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-08T20:14:02.493" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;Several of the existing answers suggest something along the lines of &quot;you do your thing while she does hers.&quot; I'm assuming your partner could come up with a solution like that on her own, which suggests that &lt;strong&gt;the reason she doesn't simply occupy herself while you're having &quot;man time&quot; is because that's not a viable solution to the actual problem.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention that you have talked with her about this, and this was her response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...she's surprised that I don't want to spend time with her and asks if&#xA;  there's anything wrong. She often seems to mistake my frustration with&#xA;  me not liking her (which isn't the case at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, that doesn't sound like the problem is her lacking an independent hobby, or her simply not knowing what to do if you won't watch her marble racing videos with her or whatever. It sounds like she is reading your desire to do your &quot;man time&quot; stuff as a threat to your relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even in a strong relationship, we all feel insecure at times. It sounds to me like she is feeling insecure about your connection; she's seeing your desire for alone time as a desire to escape her presence (which is why she's asking you if there's anything wrong). &lt;strong&gt;If I'm right, that's actually great news for you: It suggests that there's no problem with you having the alone time you want, as long as she gets the reassurance she needs that your relationship is strong.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to reassure her? Make a point of showing her that you want to connect, that you're happy to see her when you get home, that you want to talk with her and tell her about what's going on in your life. When you want to have some alone time...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure you take a little time (it could just be a minute or two, really!) to genuinely connect with her first. Make eye contact with a warm, genuine smile, maybe give her a kiss, etc. Ask her how her day was, and really be present while she answers. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her Bob at work has been driving you all into the ground to get the new contracts out and you're just so excited to turn off your mind for a while and catch up on the Great British Bake Off (or whatever your actual situation is). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then when you go off to watch your show, she will know why (and it's not because you want to get away from her) and she'll know you like talking to her. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you're feeling refreshed, come find her again and tell her how much better you feel and maybe share with her something that got you excited about your show (&quot;There was a cake/dragon/zombie/whatever that was so cool! Let me pull up a picture and show you.&quot;) Even if she doesn't actually have any interest in your TV show/hobby, she'll probably like your impulse to share something you enjoyed. And again, it underscores the fact that you do want to connect with her. Again, this interaction after your alone time can be quite brief --- just a minute or two might be plenty. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea isn't to balance the number of minutes you spend in &quot;me&quot; time vs. &quot;us&quot; time, but rather to make sure that she doesn't misread your desire for alone time as you pulling back from the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastEditorUserId="5144" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T15:06:29.073" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T15:06:29.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8916" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8917" CreationDate="2018-01-08T21:01:23.840" Score="34" ViewCount="9865" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I understand, I'm just saying that I had plans but cancelled them because you said you were gonna show.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: Well if I knew you were going to be such a baby about it, I would have told you I wasn't going to make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Well @#$% you then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once sent that text to a long time buddy of mine who had a habit of ruining my plans by cancelling on me at the last minute or showing up significantly late. I'm omitting all of the dialogue that lead me to reach that level of anger but my point is that the response that followed, albeit days later, was a genuine apology. I think that my consistency in avoiding anger-fueled communication made this particular emotionally-charged text convey to him that I was sincerely, well, pissed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, social norms in America discourage responses driven by anger. &lt;strong&gt;But is expressing non-violent, non-personal (e.g. not name calling) anger always the wrong decision?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Directly relating to and inspiring this question is a current dilemma with another long time friend. She treats us (our group of friends) with constant suspicion, only calls when she's drunk, and will occasionally be outright insulting. She has many redeeming qualities and we care about her so we'd like to preserve our friendship. Thus far, simply talking about it doesn't work and the last time I tried, she ignored me for a few weeks and randomly came back into my life by sending me a meme, pretending like nothing had happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's a more aggressive individual so I wonder if a response expressing a more aggressive emotion (anger, not pain) would get through to her, as I've noticed it has with some people who simply don't react to calm, heartfelt communication. Again- &lt;strong&gt;non-insulting, non-violent, non-personal&lt;/strong&gt;. Something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't get to just @#$%ing walk back into peoples' lives whenever you feel like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, is expressing anger in this way always the wrong decision?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9146" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T04:15:22.243" Title="Is a verbal response that directly expresses anger always the wrong choice?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-01-11T11:51:17.937" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-08T21:13:35.063" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Always?&lt;/em&gt; No. There are times and places for these kinds of reactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do I recommend such responses? &lt;em&gt;Not often.&lt;/em&gt; But, as I said, there is a time and place where you may need to resort to these reactions for various reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me give you an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In school, I was a young woman who always laughed, smiled, joked things off, and discussed things without yelling or getting angry when I needed to solve something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did I occasionally have such an angry outburst? Yes. When? &lt;em&gt;When nothing else worked.&lt;/em&gt; Did people listen when I resorted to these methods? &lt;em&gt;Most often, yes.&lt;/em&gt; When a normally happy, quiet, or calm person starts cursing you, or (as in my middle school years) even just yelling, but with no profanity... Well, people know things are way out of control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example? In high school, another student was sexually harassing me. The teacher hadn't noticed, because it was incredibly mild. Now, this was a &lt;em&gt;teacher&lt;/em&gt; that never yelled or got angry, and a &lt;em&gt;student&lt;/em&gt; that strived to do the same. I finally got upset enough to, in the middle of class, yell at the other student about this instance, and inform him that if he did it again, I would take it to the principal. He started to argue, before the &lt;em&gt;teacher&lt;/em&gt;, realizing what he had missed, &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; yelled at him. Everyone realized just how out of hand the situation had gotten, with &lt;em&gt;two&lt;/em&gt; normally calm folks reacting so aggressively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, yes, there is a time and place for these aggressive outbursts. Only you can decide, however, if it is right in this case, and if it would have any effect. If you're a normally polite and calm person, it will at least catch attention. Keep in mind, though, that the attention might not all be positive or accomplish what you want. (Also remember that profanity isn't necessarily required, and can even detract from the point you make.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T21:13:35.063" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-08T21:22:52.863" Score="21" Body="&lt;h3&gt;No, but make sure you think before you speak.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think a huge factor in the appropriateness and effectiveness of such a response comes from how and when you express it. Context is key, and should shape the form of your words. Likewise, what you hope to gain by such a response is also important to think about. Because my answer is not a simple yes or no, I want to give you a list of bullet points to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do you want to communicate something specific to the other person?&lt;/strong&gt; If so, you want to make sure that every bit of what you say is focused on doing so. Even if you're angry, you need to be clear and not say anything distracting. For instance, if someone is talking angrily and says to me &amp;quot;$%^@ you!&amp;quot; in the middle, I might be hurt more by the profanity and ignore what else they're saying. This will of course vary from person to person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do you want to emphasize that you're angry?&lt;/strong&gt; It's possible that the other person doesn't realize how much you've been hurt, or doesn't realize the magnitude of certain actions. In some cases, shouting and harsh language can help get this across, &lt;em&gt;although I would be cautious about doing so&lt;/em&gt;. The other person may think you're simply too angry to have a reasoned discussion with. All that said, there are ways to get across that you're angry (for instance, simple saying &amp;quot;I'm really angry about [X]&amp;quot;) without acting angrily.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do you normally speak?&lt;/strong&gt; Going back to the example of profanity, your words may sink in more deeply if they deviate from your normal mode of speech. I'm a meek person; if I'm ever angry, people know it's something serious. On the other hand, if (and I'm not assuming so) you're prone to getting mad a lot, having such a harsh response may not do much.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Are you escalating things?&lt;/strong&gt; In the examples you gave, it seems like the other party is already angry. If things were different, and the other person was calm, then you run the risk of escalating the argument, and you risk looking irrational. Again, that's not the desired outcome. You're allowed to be angry, and the other person should know that; being overly angry can be problematic, especially if it escalates things.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What will the consequences be?&lt;/strong&gt; One of my greatest fears is saying or doing something I can't undo. Such an explicit response has the potential to hurt the other person to the extent of harming a relationship. Be careful and aware of what you say; in your rush to be angry, think of the consequences.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no correct answer here, and it will vary from person to person. It can be &lt;em&gt;really, really hard&lt;/em&gt; to think about this in the heat of an argument. But try to remember these points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T23:14:31.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-08T21:35:10.063" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is perfectly normal and healthy for each partner to have time to do the things they enjoy which the other partner may not enjoy. So long as you make quality time for joint activities, that is not unreasonable or neglectful and not something you should have to negotiate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you have posted, your partner may have a few areas to improve. There may be a little too much control if your every minute needs to be doing what pleases your partner or benefical primarily to the partner. Especially if your partner brews resentment, and then that culminates in some type of punishment such as cold shoulder, vocal anger, withholding affection, etc. Of course this is speculation, as it is unclear what it means that you have to stop doing what you want is that she is more relaxed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You partner may not be able to find enjoyment in solo activities and is too dependent upon you to keep entertained. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those things said, I wouldn't phrase it as needing &quot;man&quot; time and instead position it as time to enjoy activities which bring you enjoyment and take your mind off your demanding job, etc. Do some research and gather various expert opinions on how alone time is needed in a relationship:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/02/the-secret-to-relationshi_n_4326246.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/02/the-secret-to-relationshi_n_4326246.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt you will find many expert opinions that say alone time is unnecessary. Digest all of this, and then plan on how to best approach the topic in a non-confrontational manner. I am quite confident that once you seek many expert opinions on this, you will be left feeling that your relationship will improve, and that is what I would focus on in the discussion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2675" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T21:35:10.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8867" CreationDate="2018-01-08T22:11:41.893" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob is a carpenter and doesn't have social media like Facebook or email, and in general doesn't like technology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you made friends with someone who doesn't like technology, devices, and using them.  And then..... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I moved to another city. I tried keeping in touch with Bob through text messaging, but he didn't really seem into it. After a while he stopped replying altogether. I sent him a text wishing him a happy new year&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You proceeded to send repeated texts. You ignored it when &quot;he didn't seem into it,&quot; and then he finally stop replying, and you still sent more texts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might be right.  That might be Bob, but his reluctance, and then non-replies has not stopped the influx of casual-subject text messages that he seems to dislike. The message seems to be, not that he's no longer Bob at that number, but &quot;you have the wrong number,&quot; because you've mistaken him with someone who likes receiving texts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, it might be feasible to just chalk it up as a lost acquaintance and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you confirm that he has, in fact, gotten irritated enough to try and sever contact by claiming to have moved from that number, are you going to send more texts to confront him? Or will you send texts to apologize?  It seems that you were aware that Bob doesn't like to communicate this way, and yet you kept doing it. He's been sending a clear, non-text, non-verbal message, but you haven't been attending to what he's telling you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you should happen to be able to reach out to him, face to face, or through a third party and re-establish this friendship, please apply the lessons learned here.  Want to just check in with Bob, see how he's doing, or let him know you still have him in mind?  Great.  That device you use to text him was originally designed to make phone calls.  So call him and talk to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a friend and work acquaintance who was very reluctant to even start using email. He eventually made the move to facilitate his administration of a lot of people he had to coordinate with, but he's never, ever lost his strong preference for a direct person-to-person conversation. When I read your question, I immediately connected Bob's personality to my friend's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T22:11:41.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-08T22:25:43.470" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you two ever discussed, before or after moving in together, how each of you envision the relationship?  It might be time for that discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've always been a person who overscheduled a lot of interests and activities and liked to be out and about.  My ex-wife (spoiler alert!) saw her mother and step-father's relationship as her ideal partnership. They'd come home, sit in the living room, watch TV or sports together, have a couple cocktails.... always together.  Her dad was much more of a get out, mountain-climb, go sailing, take a hunting weekend with the college friends type.  I completely missed the clues that were right there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I greatly curtailed my activities, but from her perspective of her mother's home life, I was still a very active, out of the house guy.  From my perspective, I had already cut out a huge percentage of what I thought made me who I was.  If I got to the point where I was coming home and just sitting on the house watching TV with her every night...... just throw the dirt on my still-breathing corpse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to get her to get out and have some of her own, personal activities that I was not a part of, that way we could coordinate &quot;away&quot;/&quot;me&quot; time without it being me abandoning her alone at home.  Things were too far gone by time she started taking up more activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We just had very, very different ideas of what that relationship was supposed to be, and we never took the differences and tensions in hand and seriously examined what it meant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You guys need to have that discussion. You'll either figure out where the compromise is and the shared priorities are, or you'll see that you both want very different things.  Both of which are better, as sad as the second one is, than getting there through gradually escalating conflict (I'm not talking about physical, just how tension builds and non-physical fights evolve).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2018-01-08T22:25:43.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-08T23:19:38.577" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You rarely see absolutes in social settings.  Thus, it's easy to say that &quot;expressing anger is the wrong decision&quot; is an incorrect statement.  I think the other answers have good reasons why, but I wanted to offer what I consider to be a very succinct rationale which explains why anger is usually not the best approach, but also suggests at situations where you would want to express it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to anger is that is very effective at encouraging change, but very poor at controlling what change actually happens.  Socially, anger is a very effective tool for demonstrating a certain kind of frustration.  If people are aware you are holding onto that kind of frustration, they react.  If they are rational, they'll act in their best interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it is not always obvious whether or not their best interests are in coherence with your interests.  Consider an extreme case where you express anger at a violent gang member.  Their reaction?  They pull a gun out and shoot you.  Game over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a less extreme example, you don't know whether someone is going to offer an apology later, or write you off as a friend all together.  Or perhaps your penchant for anger becomes public knowledge, and your friends start excluding you for it.  You just don't know what sort of change you are going to cause with anger.  All you know is that you are seeking to cause change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when considering directly communicating anger, question whether you want to deal with the unintended side effects of such anger.  Typically the answer is &quot;no,&quot; but the fact that we still have support for anger at the biological level suggests it does indeed have its place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="486" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T16:15:38.690" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T16:15:38.690" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-09T02:41:25.410" Score="-2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is an explicit, verbal response that directly expresses anger always the wrong choice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not always. It can occasionally be the right choice for dealing with very problematic people &lt;em&gt;who seriously violate proper boundaries in ways that are potentially very harmful&lt;/em&gt; -- assuming you have no desire for any kind of relationship with that person, ever. But even then, if you feel you must use profanity, keep it low-key. Be a gentleman. Even if the culprit is a scoundrel, don't stoop to their level. Just be firm and express your thoughts clearly, so there is no chance of misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, &lt;em&gt;if the relationship is expendable&lt;/em&gt; and you are reacting to a truly grievous affront, then by all means: telling them off with choice words may help re-establish proper boundaries. It might get their attention and give them something serious to think about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it isn't at all wise to use the language illustrated in your examples, for dealing with problems with &lt;em&gt;people about whom you care very much&lt;/em&gt;. I stress this, despite the fact that I'm well aware how many people are generally in the habit of talking to one another in that manner. It's quite common, really. And it isn't as harmless as it appears on the surface.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Treat everyone with respect at all times, if possible. But that goes doubly for the friends and family you can't bear to lose. If you stop to think about it, saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well @#$% you then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...is equivalent to saying, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Die! I hate you!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; Verbal abuse is as hurtful as physical blows. Such statements wound the heart. And they end up harming all involved, even the speaker / writer of such sentiments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This too, is an inappropriate way to treat someone whose friendship you value:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't get to just @#$%ing walk back into peoples' lives whenever you feel like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...is equivalent to saying, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;My feelings are more important than yours.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you value someone's friendship, regardless of how annoying they can be, you must accept them as they are, and deal with it somehow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did the right thing the first time, when you attempted to talk to her about how her emotional problems affect you. But try to understand that she may have emotional issues that she isn't ready to talk about just yet. That's why she pretended nothing happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you confront her in a caring, respectful fashion, and she reacts by withdrawing (ignoring you), just think of that as her giving you some vacation time away from her problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She later returned, when after thinking it over she realized you really were trying to build rather than tear down your friendship. So at that point you should observe her behavior to see how much effort she is putting into being a better friend. You may find you need to discuss things with her less frequently, as time goes on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently emotional problems are the reasons for her heavy drinking and inability to trust people, in the first place. So you need to understand that using profanity on her, as if her feelings aren't very important to you, will only hurt and cause her to withdraw, drink, and distrust even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should try a different approach this time: Be a gentleman, and let her know that you have a heart, and that you see that she is unhappy about something that she may not care to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her that you respect her privacy, and that you understand some of her behaviors (be specific if necessary, in other words if she asks for examples) are possible indications of depression or some other problems which you might not be able to help her with. And while you respect personal boundaries, you wish to remain friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That means you will have to be very tolerant of her faults, and she may test your patience. You have to ask yourself periodically: is our friendship worth the trouble? If it is, be a gentleman about the way you treat and talk to her -- regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is not, then it's time to move on. Just consider the fact that when ending friendships, there rarely is any turning back. If you're very diplomatic, you might be able to stay on speaking terms, at least. But you probably will never be friends again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if being a gentleman and graduating into maturity alienates your friends, guess what? You'll either find better friends, or they will someday wake up and recognize you for the trail-blazing leader you've become.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9307" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T02:41:25.410" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-09T04:23:49.200" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There may be situations where an expression of anger is helpful, but this doesn't appear to be one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you seek out your friend, connect in a way that strengthens your relationship, and let her know that you're unhappy with the pattern that you and she seem to be stuck in.  There is no need to raise your voice or your tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might not reach any resolution in this first conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If necessary, over time, you may need to distance yourself from this person.  She may decide to make some changes; but she might not.  Prepare yourself for that possible outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T04:23:49.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8529" CreationDate="2018-01-09T04:56:24.407" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your partner feels anxious and expresses it with conflicts about meat.  You fuel the fire in various ways.  I imagine the relationship doesn't exactly soar when that happens.  So, my recommendation is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;During your visit, confine your meat eating to any solo outings or outings with her father you might have.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Deflect confrontations about your meat eating when you are apart.  Humor might be helpful here.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Show that you are listening carefully if she brings up the diet conflict, but then, in a pleasant, neutral voice, move on to another topic, or request a few minutes of quiet time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use this visit to have fun together, and be close.  Make some good memories.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Allow yourself some independent time every day, for example running an errand, getting some exercise, reading a book on your own.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the relationship fails, let it be for something that has nothing whatever to do with food.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine your relationship ten years from now.  Here's what I see in my crystal ball (based on observations of mixed couples I've known): you and she have agreed to raise your children as strict vegetarians.  You are as cooperative with this as humanly possible.  (You are never subversive.)  You have meat for lunch when you're not at home.  You don't bring meat into the house.  In short, you respect her strong feelings on this issue, but you set up limits (boundaries) regarding your own conduct when you are out and about, as a separate person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bon voyage!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T04:56:24.407" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-09T05:05:43.093" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alyssa, I'm looking forward to watching an episode of my favorite program, (name of program) this week.  I was thinking of watching it either Tuesday or Wednesday evening.  Do you have a preference?  [You can offer two choices for the time of watching as well.]  ... You're welcome to join me if you want to, but if you'd rather watch a program of your own at that time, or go for a walk or [name something she enjoys doing], I'll understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea: you are going to watch a program you enjoy and have been looking forward to.  That's a given.  But you're offering her choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T05:05:43.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8377" CreationDate="2018-01-09T05:16:40.450" Score="10" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Be the person who steers the introduction&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My background and situation in western Canada are similar to yours.  The method that causes me the least stress, &lt;em&gt;by far&lt;/em&gt;, is to place my right hand over my heart and nod once while smiling.  This gesture is simple and friendly, and it allows me to take charge of my side of the introduction by showing the other person how I am comfortable interacting.  I've found that people who have extended a hand to shake mine are quick to &quot;switch gears&quot; (in the friendly sense!) when I set this example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The options you listed -- to accept/decline/ignore the handshake -- all require you to cede control of your interaction and take a defensive stance, and I know that I would find that to be an ongoing source of stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before I began using the hand-over-heart gesture, people would often interpret my discomfort at shaking hands as a germ phobia.  With the best of intentions, these people would then try to find some other innocent way to touch me in greeting: a fist bump, a touch to the arm, that sort of thing.  Since these forms of contact are as unpleasant to me as handshakes, they caused me to show similar tension in response, and I'm afraid that my reaction reaffirmed any unfriendly first impression that my response to the handshake conveyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind talking to people about how I like to keep to my own space, but this explanation takes more time than a one-on-one introduction allows, and so I avoid it at first meetings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend against telling white lies such as &quot;I don't want to give you my cold.&quot;  Some well-meaning people &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; ask follow-up questions, especially if you repeat a white lie from an earlier meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11109" LastEditorUserId="11109" LastEditDate="2018-01-10T00:05:20.160" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T00:05:20.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8900" CreationDate="2018-01-09T05:18:09.623" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Go up and introduce yourself.  Ask if you've stopped by at a good time.  (If not, ask when would be a better time to come and say hello.)  Welcome them to the neighborhood.  Ask them if they've been living in (name of town) long, and how they like it.  If possible, work in some helpful information about the area where you live, such as the farmer's market on Wednesday afternoons across from the library.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Begin your negotiations by &lt;strong&gt;apologizing for having banged on the ceiling with a broomstick.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then negotiate a quiet period.  Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I leave for work at 7 am Monday through Friday, so at 10:30 in the evening I start winding down.  At 11 I go to bed.  Could we have a quiet time starting at 10:30?  The key period for me is right when I'm dropping off.  Obviously, if you are night owls, then you're going to want to be walking around the apartment for another few hours after that.  But if you could take a little break for an hour, from 10:30 to 11:30, and put your feet up for a while, that would make a big difference for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, approach your landlord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T05:18:09.623" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8891" CreationDate="2018-01-09T05:25:38.513" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two basic approaches, and there's also a hybrid approach that combines the two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use some scheduling software such as Doodle, where you put in a series of realistic options.  Email a link to the others, with a short intro (e.g. &quot;This doodle poll will help me schedule our scrimmage for a day and time that works well for everyone&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Email each individual and ask what their constraints are, in general, on the possible days.  Come up with a schedule that fits everyone's constraints.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T05:25:38.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8930" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8772" CreationDate="2018-01-09T05:27:52.523" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general I would suggest that there are three scenarios with different requirements :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They were giving chocolates to lots of people.  Then you can simply take one, say &quot;thanks, what's the occasion ?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They only offered a chocolate to you and they're a member of the opposite sex (or gay , possibly).  Then it's a good idea to ask &quot;What's the occasion ?&quot; &lt;strong&gt;first&lt;/strong&gt; to make sure this isn't a step on a romantic path you're not interested in.  Don't be too pushy, but try and gauge their reaction, just in case it's more than a casual one.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's someone you haven't got on well with or have had an argument with.  They're probably trying to ease tensions between the two of you and just accept it and say, &quot;Thanks, very nice of you.  Is there an occasion ?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, yes, you'd always be expected to ask, but perhaps in a slightly different way for different contexts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should also be ready to accept is a non-answer, something vague or even a simple &quot;no reason&quot;.  Sometimes people just do things and the &quot;thanks&quot; is the important part of your &quot;duty&quot; here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm a chocaholic and unless someone says something like &quot;I just killed the boss and you're next&quot; I'm going to take the chocolate and eat it.  YMMV. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually if I'm going to be killed by a co-worker, might as well go out eating chocolate. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T05:27:52.523" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8932" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8891" CreationDate="2018-01-09T08:20:51.413" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no need to be overly complicated about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply ask for each team-members availability slots when they can commit to the game-playing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then compile these slots into a chart and choose the time-slot that offends the least amount of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, alternate the time slots to include other people for alternate sessions so that people aren't left out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T08:20:51.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8900" CreationDate="2018-01-09T12:23:40.947" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;You want to achieve your neighbour being quieter, for the long term, and I think you already understand that for that to happen it will be better to have an, at least, cordial relationship with your neighbour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At present you know very little about your neighbour, beyond the fact that they live in an apartment and don’t go to bed early, so the degree to which you can tailor your approach to their personality is limited, but whatever you DO do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don’t go and hammer on his door when you are angry.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Consider the encounter from his perspective, some stranger turns up&#xA;at your door wanting you to change your behaviour, and possibly spend&#xA;money to make &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; life nicer. What would make you want to be&#xA;helpful to that stranger?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some things to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Timing and realism&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Go at a time which seems convenient to his schedule as far as you can&#xA;figure from what you can hear. Try not to go when he’s just leaving&#xA;for work for example, or at the start of the period which you find&#xA;most disturbing. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don’t expect him to have an instantly effective solution.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your neighbour is going to have to rearrange his furniture, get rugs, have a fridge-ectomy, buy slippers… none of that is going to happen instantly so try to come up with a timing which minimises the amount of time you both get to spend dwelling on what the other said/did/is doing/isn’t doing. That’s a recipe for folk getting angry. Can you broach the subject at a time when you are about to go away for a weekend or a business trip or something to take that ‘it hasn’t got better yet’ pressure off a little bit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Focus on Outcome&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don’t tell him what he needs to do; most of us don’t like getting instructions from strangers.  And really, it matters not a jot to you whether his solutions is to turn his apartment into a huge ball pit that he swims through, attach helium balloons to his belt for added lift or learn to levitate. &#xA;What you care about is the outcome. So don’t tell him he needs to spend money or change his lifestyle, let him know that there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;‘I don’t know what’s different but I really never heard the last&#xA;  people’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;, &#xA;Make it clear that you are blaming the fabric of the building, not him &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;‘I’m really concerned that if the building transmits sound so much, I&#xA;  might be bothering you with my TV/music/Digeridoo practice’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Flattery/Respect&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of us react well to being though well of. If people treat us as though they think we are a stand-up person, we tend to value that assessment and try to live up to it. If they assume we are a waste of space, we tend &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; to value their opinion (since they are clearly a poor judge of character) and therefore don’t feel any need to improve their opinion of us.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;While it may be overkill to try to convey that this heavy-footed neighbour is a pillar of society right off the bat, at least avoid opening the exchange with anything that gives away that you think he is a fridge eating hephalump.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Exude the conviction that he is a stand-up fridge-eater who is going&#xA;to be really happy to do whatever he can, in fact you are concerned&#xA;that he doesn’t get carried away and go too much out of his way,&#xA;spend too much to accommodate you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to avoid making him feel as though you have an uncomfortable&#xA;level of insight into his life from what you can overhear as that may&#xA;make him react defensively. Keep statements general rather than&#xA;specific, ‘movement sounds’ or ‘footsteps’ rather than ‘you walking&#xA;between the fridge and the john all night.’&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So an ideal exchange might be something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi neighbour, welcome to the building, sorry I didn’t get a chance to&#xA;  say ‘Hi’ sooner. How are you finding the place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.... chit chat follows&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Something I wanted to say, the reason I knew I had a new upstairs&#xA;  neighbour was that the soundscape changed completely. I don’t know&#xA;  what the difference is, but somehow I hear your footsteps/moving about&#xA;  a lot more than I used to hear the last guys. So I wanted to check&#xA;  that I wasn’t bothering you with my flugelhorn practice, (I’m totally&#xA;  going to get a muffler for that thing) and to ask if there might be&#xA;  something you could do in the future to soften the sound from your&#xA;  side? I don’t want to put you on the spot, you couldn’t have known how&#xA;  this building transmits sound, so I’ll just leave you with that&#xA;  thought. I’m off for a couple of days now on a flugelhorn retreat with&#xA;  my collective, so you’ll get a break from me at least. Ciao&#xA;  neighbourino!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, so I’ll never get a job writing sitcom dialogue, but I’m sure you can find your own way to bring those ideas together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forgot to say: if he makes changes that work &lt;strong&gt;thank him&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T12:32:43.283" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T12:32:43.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-09T13:06:41.657" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;No.  However.  There's a phrase I've come across: &quot;he didn't even need to swear&quot;.  Implying the words used were so harsh and unforgiving that adding swearing for emphasis wouldn't be necessary.  Let's consider your example: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You don't get to just @#$%ing walk back into peoples' lives whenever&#xA;  you feel like it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, what about: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Really?  Why are you pretending nothing has happened?  I need&#xA;  you to at least acknowledge that I'm really annoyed that you keep insulting me,&#xA;  treating me with suspicion, and only seem to want to be a true friend when you're drunk.  I do not treat you with such disrespect!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it's possible that you didn't even need to swear.  But sometimes in the heat of the moment you might just say something which expresses that sentiment a little more... concisely.  Which is fine as a last resort, so long as you at least clarify in the same breath why you're so fed up.  As sometimes angry swearing, surprising as it may be, isn't as clear as you might intend.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1923" LastEditorUserId="1923" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T13:41:52.783" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T13:41:52.783" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-09T13:42:30.993" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;We all speak to communicate ideas. By insulting someone you previously cared about you are perhaps trying to show them that you are upset by what they just said or did. Maybe you're hoping that they will back down or see your point of view. But chances are you'll just lose them as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a conversation ends with &lt;em&gt;&quot;&amp;amp;£$% YOU!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; there really isn't much anyone can come back with, except for maybe more of the same. You might feel justified in saying it, but there's no escaping the consequences of such an outburst, and you can't really know for certain what the consequences will be until you've said it and it is possibly too late. This kind of response really 'closes doors' in that it signifies the end of the conversation, perhaps even the end of a friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If something like this comes as an 'outburst' face to face, you &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; have an opportunity to take a deep breath, apologise, and fix things quickly. But you don't really have an excuse in text/email form. Once you've sent it, the person can look at it again and again, relive the hurt, knowing that you thought about what you were saying as you typed each letter and hit send.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say that anger IS the wrong choice, always. There's probably a whole load of psychology that suggests you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; vent anger in some 'healthy' way, or that bottling up anger is bad for you. Not everybody agrees. &quot;Violence begets violence&quot;, meaning violent behaviour (including violent or aggressive language) just promotes the same kinds of response. Anger is bad for you, full stop. I believe it is possible to become less angry, you just need to make a conscious effort to think over a few situations rationally and see a calmer, more reasonable approach work for you and improve your relationships, then you'll have the confidence that this is the best way forward in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T13:42:30.993" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-09T13:55:12.390" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask &quot;Is an explicit, verbal response that directly expresses anger always the wrong choice?&quot; but your first example really isn't expressing directly what prompted your anger. Your buddy messed up your plans and it was inconsiderate and unacceptable, and if continues you won't make plans with that buddy. Articulating that would be the more direct way of expressing the anger. That being said, buddies often have a relationship where they tell each other to F off, so the phrase becomes not so offensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be wrong with initiating a discussion with this female friend and say exactly what you said here? She only calls when drunk and is aggressive and hurtful to others and you care about her because of her redeeming qualities. But it seems that your patience is wearing thin and this has to change. Why not just say that before your frustration level reaches that boiling point? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2675" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T13:55:12.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8938" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8945" CreationDate="2018-01-09T14:13:36.930" Score="11" ViewCount="2230" Body="&lt;p&gt;This topic is directly related to this:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/8301/how-to-sooth-relationship-between-roommate-and-my-sister-who-lives-with-us&quot;&gt;How to sooth relationship between roommate and my sister (who lives with us)?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tensions between my sister/dependent and our roommate have continued to get worse, and have finally escalated to a point in which I feel we have to move. The problem that I am having now is if I should tell him that I am looking for a place even before a place is secured. He can be very impulsive, and I worry that if he knows I am looking he will take it upon himself to initiate our 30 days notice, or worse, before I am ready. It is also important to note that the roommate/landlord and I were close friends before moving in together, and I feel some modicum of respect is due to him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question for you all is: How do I tell my current roommate/landord that I am looking for another place to live? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10488" LastEditorUserId="10488" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T16:01:02.587" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T02:56:49.030" Title="How to tell friend/roommate/landlord that I am looking for other places to live?" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-09T15:07:40.890" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the sound of it, she's not crazy, so I'll assume this can be resolved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of this is that you're still new and exciting and she enjoys the emotional stimulation. Zero conflict means the relationship is dead. She's &lt;em&gt;relationshipping&lt;/em&gt; with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I think another part is that she's trying to find out where your boundaries are. She needs that information to be calm and know where she stands, and you're not providing it. I think the reason you're not providing it is because you feel like that will involve conflict, and you don't want to start a conflict with somebody you care about and live with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be frustrated with her. She's frustrated with you because you're being ambiguous. If you set boundaries from a place of frustration, that will lead to conflict. Everybody has a right to set reasonable boundaries. The only time a woman is your whole world is your mother when you're a toddler. Neither of you wants that kind of relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &quot;negotiate&quot; or &quot;ask&quot; for time to yourself, that's like you're asking her for permission to set boundaries -- as if, as a grown man of 50, you still don't know what's reasonable. But she doesn't want to be your mother, and she doesn't feel like she is your mother. She doesn't know if you really need the time or what, so she's fluttering around, poking at it, trying to figure out what's what with this 200 lb gorilla she's waking up next to. She's not communicating this in a way that's very clear to you, but neither are you communicating in a way that's clear to her. It's a truism men and women usually have different communication styles. You can't expect a cat to catch a frisbee. And one of the running jokes in the human comedy is that both sides have a habit of assuming that the other is trying to do it their way and just isn't very good at it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So pick a reasonable, considerate set of boundaries and be consistent and proportionate about it. Most importantly, be clear about it in a calm and friendly way. Some people have a tragically mistaken idea that &quot;setting boundaries&quot; has something to do with confrontation or anger. That idea comes from people blowing it off until they're angry, and then blaming the other person for their own failure to communicate important information in a timely manner. Tell her &quot;When I'm watching the game I want to focus on the game&quot; or whatever. Obviously if the stove bursts into flame or her sister gets hit by a truck, the game can wait. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will be more fluttering until she's convinced that you're steady and consistent and you know your own mind (besides, as I said, she enjoys minor emotional ups and downs as a harmless entertainment, much the way we enjoy football). Be patient and don't get drawn into arguments about it. If possible, figure out how to tease her about it in a way that makes her light up (shouldn't need to be said that if she doesn't light up, what you're doing is not teasing, it's mean and you should drop it). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't an occasion for conflict, so don't approach it that way. I certainly hope there isn't any conflict when she sets her boundaries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then once you know each other's rules and the excitement wears off, you can get bored with each other and come back for more advice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4561" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T15:07:40.890" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8938" CreationDate="2018-01-09T17:03:37.413" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tensions [that] have finally escalated to a point in which I feel we have to move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;could make him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;initiate our 30 days notice, or worse, before I am ready&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;regardless, no matter what you say. Well, no matter WHETHER you say anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stated that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He can be very impulsive,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;so there's no reason to expect him waiting for you to say anything. Tensions themselves might have already triggered him, or could very soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hurry up looking for an accomodation is my best suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per your question: wait. And when you have secured the new location, give the notice and respect it until the last day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T17:16:17.650" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T17:16:17.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-09T17:15:10.773" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, that's one of the tougher parts of family life, in my experience. Be glad that there are no children involved!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Oh, and nothing of this is related to gender, if the OP were a woman, then we could switch everything around. I am just using genderized terms like &quot;Her&quot; etc. for convenience.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ideal relationship, in my opinion, would be one which is optional for both partners. I.e., both partners would be self-sufficient, relaxed, and would not suffer at all if the other partner would spontaneously disappear from their lives completely.  Both would be able to happily live alone without any form of boredom, insecurity or anything like that. This would mean that both would be happy with any of the &quot;times&quot; (&quot;Man&quot;/&quot;Her&quot;/&quot;Us&quot;-time as per Lord Jebus VII's answer).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess what would work as well would be if &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; are very insecure or easily bored on their own, and &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; cling to each other to the same degree. This would lead to a pure &quot;Us&quot;-Time and no &quot;Man&quot;/&quot;Woman&quot;-Time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, it seems not to work out like this, usually. At least one of the partners seems to cling more heavily than the other. You seem to be the one not clinging so much, she does. This puts immense strain on a relationship, in my experience, both from personal experience and from witnessing friends/relatives. You may see it as a minor inconvenience right now, but it will grow and grow and grow. She is already dominating you by her behaviour - i.e., she gets unhappy, so you feel forced to do things you do not wish to do. This can easily spiral into quite uncomfortable zones. For example, you might start to arbitrarily come back home later from work to avoid the uncomfort for a bit longer; or invent white lies; or start hanging out outside of the comfort zone of your home with friends more; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So. I cannot really tell you what to do, as we don't know what's happening in her head, and I frankly do not know from what you wrote how honest you can talk with her (it seems that you have not developed a good base for earnest talks yet). But I would really start watching out here. Discuss the topic &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; openly with her. It is not about which TV programmes you are watching; it is about how you guys are seeing your relationship (and yourselves) in the comming years. Both of you can waste a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of time if you cannot fix this topic now, before it is too late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T17:15:10.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-09T17:24:24.817" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only time I think they're the correct choice is &lt;strong&gt;if the only message you're trying to send is that you're extremely angry.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, if you give someone a response like the ones in your question, the only message they'll take away is that you're extremely angry at them; it doesn't really matter what context you put around it. Sometimes though, that's the message you're trying to send. If someone simply doesn't understand that what they're doing is upsetting you (or, more frustratingly, is stubbornly refusing to understand), then there are times where a &quot;verbal response that directly expresses anger&quot; is actually the best choice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it's important to note that such a response means you're no longer trying to express your original point anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your friend says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well if I knew you were going to be such a baby about it, I would have told you I wasn't going to make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have two choices. One is to continue to try and show them why this isn't a helpful response, and try to explain again how they put you in a bad situation. The other is to give a response like yours. What's important to realize is &lt;strong&gt;you can't do both&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is pretty much no way to be aggressive and persuasive, so an angry verbal response should be reserved for when you've given up on persuasion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well @#$% you then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Isn't going to make them say &quot;oh yeah, that's a good point. I should've let OP know.&quot; It will, however, (hopefully) make them say &quot;oh. I've really upset OP. Maybe what I've been doing is out of line.&quot; The goal is for them to realize this, and reevaluate the way they were looking at the problem (or at the very least, realize this is important to you and change regardless of their opinion on the matter). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note though, that most people &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; don't like having that revelation. Even worse, being told they're being upsetting causes lots of people to entrench themselves further in their position. As such, I really advise only giving response like these when you've completely given up on other means. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling a friend you're really angry at them can seriously damage your relationship, so I think you should only do this if the issue at hand is already significant enough to put the relationship at risk. Otherwise, go yell in a pillow and write something a little nicer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T17:24:24.817" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8938" CreationDate="2018-01-09T17:41:23.150" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;(I'm assuming you've already decided to tell him in advance of the formal notice / finding a new place.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that you are moving out to relieve tensions, I would recommend you &lt;strong&gt;frame it as mutually beneficial&lt;/strong&gt;. Make sure to let him know you're telling him early because of your friendship, to keep the tone as positive as possible. An acknowledgement / expression of regret for the situation may soften the blow as well, just be cautious that you don't come off as blaming him for the move out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Joe, I know our living situation has been tense for a while. I'm really sorry that we've had these troubles. I wanted to tell you that sister and I are starting to look for a new place. We haven't found one yet, and will give you the 30 days notice when we do, but I just wanted to let you know our plans. I still value our friendship, and I think moving out will be best for everyone's stress levels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pros:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've communicated respect and positive feelings to him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He has extra notice to plan for next steps&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't need to hide your apartment hunting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It may be easier to deal with the living situation given that the end is in sight&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may even be relieved that you initiated the conversation, and willing to help you look / move&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He could be upset and tell you the lease ends in 30 days, even though you don't have a place lined up yet&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a pretty big con, but one that you will have to weigh based on your personal needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T17:41:23.150" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8947" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-09T18:34:01.753" Score="21" ViewCount="8357" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been a member of an online community that's mostly aimed at kids - although we've got members aged 8 to in their 20s - for almost four years now. There's a live chat available (with some pretty aggressive word filters). Now, I don't drop in very regularly - I drop in around one every couple weeks, usually. I used to be much more active on the forums, but most of the people I know there I know from like 2 years ago (of those who are still around) - I don't know the younger generation very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, when I drop into the livechat, I'll often just talk to the few people that I know... ignoring the rest of the people. Now, most of the time the other people in the chat aren't actually interested in &lt;em&gt;chatting&lt;/em&gt;; they're more interested in role-playing. But I'm more interested in chatting with the people I know, like discussing one girl's YouTube channel and stuff like that. So I'll often just put everybody else on &lt;em&gt;ignore&lt;/em&gt; (because it can be hard to keep track of a conversation when you've got a stream of unrelated messages).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm wondering is: Is this rude to the other users of the room? If they try to talk to me I won't even notice, because I have them on ignore... and this could be 'clique'ish, because it's basically just two or three users who've known each other for a couple years ignoring all the newer people. (This is... at least a year and a half after the oldies vs. newbies war that left the site in ruins and with a severely depleted population, but I &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; don't want to cause it to resurface.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it acceptable to ignore everyone else in the room and talk to only specific people?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T14:06:34.163" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T14:06:34.163" Title="Is it rude to ignore everybody else in a chatroom and only talk with one person?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;netiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T01:52:07.097" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8947" CreationDate="2018-01-09T19:32:45.360" Score="70" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What I'm wondering is: Is this rude to the other users of the room?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah. People respond to being intentionally ignored in a chat room about as well as they do to being ignored in real life. (Which is really, really poorly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A public chat room is a shared space, where multiple conversations can happen at the same time, and anyone can join in and communicate with anybody else. By putting everyone except one person on ignore, you are not only completely ignoring anyone who might be trying to join into your conversation (just by chatting along), you are also completely missing out on what else is going on in the chatroom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might be talking through any number of conversations, with any level of seriousness. You might be ignoring any number of people who are just looking to join in a simple conversation. You might be repeating what other people have already said on the same topic. You might even be reacting to conversations that aren't really meant for you, because you're only seeing half of them. It's confusing for everyone else at best, and very rude and/or annoying at worst.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ignore feature on public chat rooms is supposed to be used for people who are really being problematic, not to turn a public room into something that looks like a private room. It should be used sparingly. If you only want to talk with a few people, you should get their contact details and communicate privately with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T19:32:45.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8949" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8952" CreationDate="2018-01-09T20:09:13.417" Score="15" ViewCount="1497" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am suffering from a medical condition called hyperacusis, which makes normal levels of noise painful (and potentially damaging) for me. I have found ways to cope with this condition in my daily life, mostly by avoiding noisy situations and events, but sometimes even people's voices can be very painful, in particular if I am having a long conversation with someone in a small room or office, which my occupation frequently requires, and if my interlocutor has a high-pitched voice and comes from a culture where speaking loudly and confidently is encouraged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried explaining my problem explicitly, and insisting that the problem is on my side and that I am not blaming the other person, but I noticed two types of undesired reactions to my request. First, some people seem to get offended by my explanation, which insinuates that the volume of their voice might be inappropriate. Second, some people do not take my request very seriously and seem to think that I am exaggerating, or that my problems are psychological (I am speculating here, this is just my impression). Anyway, this initial exchange does not put the conversation on the right track. Oftentimes, even when people make an effort initially, they quickly (and naturally) go back to their habits, and I find it very difficult and embarrassing to give them constant reminders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried other strategies (lowering my own voice in the hope that my interlocutor will unconsciously imitate me, pretending that we need to speak softly to avoid bothering my colleagues in other offices), with very limited success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely ask people to tone down without offending them, and without sounding too weird? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many thanks to all for the answers and comments. I would like to clarify two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't need to bring the topic with all my interlocutors. I would say that only 20% of them speak at a volume which is painful/dangerous for me. Of course, I don't mention to these people that they are &quot;special&quot;, but I still have the impression that my request offends a large fraction of them, perhaps because they have already received some comments about their voice from other people.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the specialists told me to avoid using earplugs when I speak (as they amplify your voice, which can even damage the inner ear in the long term due to bone conduction). And I think that plugging them and removing them frequently when I or my interlocutor starts to speak is not exactly helping me on the &quot;akwardness&quot; scale :)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11135" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-05T12:52:28.960" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T12:52:28.960" Title="How to ask people to speak softer?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8947" CreationDate="2018-01-09T20:25:58.427" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes it’s rude and not politically correct. Things you have to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How do the people you are talking to feel about you ignoring everyone else, how will this effect their relationship with the other peers, and most likely, consequently with you? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How do the people you are ignoring feel about you ignoring them? Just because there is no verbal or written communication directed towards you, it doesn’t mean no communication amongst the other peers regarding the issue doesn’t exist. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the background of every thing it is plausible that these ignored peers have developed opinions about you, opinions that could influence negative actions towards you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Humans are naturally analytical, investigating everything in their environment. By not directing any attention towards them, you leave judgement of self solely based on their observations and reasoning, whether logical or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I grew up a very quiet and direct person, and learned all this the hard way. When you think that just because nothings been said and there is no relationship between you and another person, you end up finding out this person has written an entire book on you during your silence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If you do not define yourself, they will define you. What will be the consequences of that definition?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4461" LastEditorUserId="4461" LastEditDate="2018-01-09T20:37:03.057" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T20:37:03.057" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8951" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8947" CreationDate="2018-01-09T20:40:20.357" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the others, it is rude. It may or may not be noticed, but ignoring anybody that may innocently try to add to your conversation is being unkind and unfair for your own convenience, which is basically the definition of rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However they respond to you is deserved, if they are hurt or dislike you or insult you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is fair to ignore others having a private flame war or something, they are misbehaving. It is unfair if somebody comes to the site for the purpose of friendly chatting about whatever topic comes up, and you make them feel unwelcome by ignoring their innocent overtures to be friends, or at least friendly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T20:40:20.357" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8949" CreationDate="2018-01-09T22:34:53.107" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could try a big sign in some bright color like yellow or red so that it gets noticed (like a street sign) that says in big bold letters: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Shhh, Speak softly.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then underneath in smaller text &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This occupant suffers from hyperacusis which causes even normal volume sound to be painful to her/him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a big noticeable sign should  remind people to be quiet without you  having to say anything.  Having a written request/warning posted at the entry also seems more official which hopefully helps those who may think you're exaggerating to realize that this is a condition which should be taken seriously.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naming the condition helps legitimize it, and explaining the basic effect of the condition on you as an individual should elicit sympathy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that this will help but that a good sized portion of people will still talk louder than is comfortable for you.  The core problem is that they don't have any feedback about what a good volume is.  And even if you show them by example they literally have a life long habit of talking at a given decibel level. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You may want to consider getting a decibel meter&lt;/strong&gt; with a large display you can set on your desk. You can have a sign by it that says please don't talk any louder than this (arrow to the maximum acceptable level.)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Humans are visual creatures so hopefully having constant visual feedback that shows them what level they are talking at, will remind them to lower their voices. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know these suggestions seem rather intense, and a lot of effort but you are asking people to change the way they have behaved their entire lives, around pretty much every one.  I suspect you're going to have to use some pretty strong measures to effectively communicate your needs to them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-10T03:24:37.957" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T03:24:37.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8949" CreationDate="2018-01-09T23:59:28.920" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am suffering from a medical condition called hyperacusis, which makes normal levels of noise painful (and potentially damaging) for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to ask people to speak softer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend three things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;show the effort&lt;/strong&gt; you're making to deal with your hyperaccusis. There are therapies and techniques to help relieve the symptoms of hyperacusis. If you use the techniques and explain them to others it is more likely they will consider your problem real. Because you wouldn't be doing therapies if there wasn't a problem, right? It also adds a &lt;strong&gt;positive&lt;/strong&gt; note to the problem, that it &lt;strong&gt;can be controlled&lt;/strong&gt;. If it were not to be controlled, people would feel helpless, and wouldn't put much effort into abiding to your requests.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Elaborate on why a softer voice will help you. [this works best when you've done step 1: make people feel they can control your situation.] It's fine to &lt;strong&gt;repeat this reason&lt;/strong&gt;. If you say it plenty of times it is more likely to stick in their heads.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Could you speak softer? Because my ears need rest. I've got a bad day today.&quot; [makes it about yourself]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;visual cues: wearing &lt;strong&gt;red earplugs&lt;/strong&gt; can give a visual reminder to others that they should speak softer around you. Again, this will make your condition more real and controllable to others, even though the earplugs may not help much.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't even have to explain to everyone that you have hyperacusis. It is a rare condition that few people can relate to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-01-09T23:59:28.920" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-10T01:33:51.290" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she ignored me for a few weeks and randomly came back into my life by sending me a meme, pretending like nothing had happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should you respond with? : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't get to just @#$%ing walk back into peoples' lives whenever you feel like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think this will work. You don't know the reasons why she acts like she does. I get a sense she is insecure about something. Maybe she had a bad childhood or grew into an insecure attachment style. If you respond angrily she might break off the friendship. In general it is better to discuss the problem YOU are having.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really honor our friendship. But I feel like you don't value our friendship as much as I do. [or whatever the problem is]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then there are three options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&quot;I'd like our friendship to become more trusty. This and that needs to happen.&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;=&gt; You both work together to find the problems and improve friendship through mutual effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&quot;I don't want to see you anymore if you behave like that.&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;=&gt; She reflects on her behavior and the friendship improves through her effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;She shows no interest whatsoever.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;=&gt;  You choose to end or maintain friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, it would be better to speak to her in person, and not digitally. Conveying an earnest message is better in real-life because the information is often much richer. Facial micro-expressions, sounds, smells, and the sharing of personal space can all contribute to a more intimate climate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general it is better not to use angry words. Even more so when you're responding digitally. Besides risking the friendship, you're also inducing negative thoughts which lead to stress which are detrimental to your and perhaps her health. Find a balance between rationality and intuition. Take your time thinking about what you think is the best way. There is no perfect solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T01:33:51.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="603" CreationDate="2018-01-10T01:44:04.740" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe it's just me but I get &quot;itchy&quot; seeing notifications pile up. It's like a growing &quot;to do&quot; list and I want to cross things off. I have added a pretty wide array of people on facebook and I honestly feel like it's an email account that's been overrun with spam and can no longer really be used in the way originally intended. I regret not being more selective in the past. But I'm more selective now and I slowly drop people, or at the very least I click the &quot;stay friends but don't follow Jojo&quot; button. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what I do these days is... I happily delete requests that I know don't want. Unlike you, though, I don't feel badly about it. I probably won't see these people and don't have to explain myself. What I *have felt a little badly about is when I meet someone new or run into someone I'm not that close to and they feel the need to end the conversation with &quot;Are you on FB?!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to lie, but I probably don't want to add them as a friend, either. And I don't like disappointing people, but I've learned to be direct. I'll say  &quot;Ahh Yeah (intentionally, semi loudly inhale/exhale)... I have a profile but I don't use it often, sorry.&quot;  Delivered correctly, this equates to &quot;if you try to add me, I won't be adding you back &quot;. If I'm pressed beyond that, (like, &quot;aw darn I'd love to keep in touch&quot;) I simply offer to exchange email addresses. And I have a separate email account that I use for these people, not connected to any social media accounts. I also give this email address to stores I shop at. It's my IDGAF email. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if I were ever really asked in person about not accepting a friend request I would just say &quot;oh yeah sorry about that, I just don't use FB too much and haven't been adding to it at all&quot;. How have you been? Etc and let the conversation go on. There isn't much you can do otherwise because you can't reply to a rejected friend request with a message (I don't believe anyway).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11140" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T01:44:04.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8959" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8938" CreationDate="2018-01-10T02:56:49.030" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I once vacated an apartment due to roommate trouble and we had previously been really close friends, so that was tough. In my case I told my roommate that I thought it was a good idea for me to move out and she simply said she agreed it was for the best. We had been on very poor terms, but since resolution was in everyone's best interest it worked out ok to tell her ahead of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HOWEVER - my roommate was still someone I could trust to be reasonable with organizing our separation. I have also had a few very unreasonable people in my life. People who are reactionary, self-important and retaliatory cannot be trusted to stay level headed. I wouldn't tell my current employer that I was looking for a new job outside the company. You give your notice once you have the offer. I think the same thing applies here. Lock down a new place to live first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11140" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T02:56:49.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8903" CreationDate="2018-01-10T03:32:47.403" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This could easily be my dad's post but you said there were no kids. My mom is like this; very clingy and needs to always have a partner for mundane things like watching a show that she likes even if my dad hates it. (&quot;say yes to the dress&quot; for example). You need to get on top of this issue now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad took a passive and gentle approach for a long time. He indulged her in this need- and to offset it, he would stay up very late just to get some alone time. Then she became angry that he no longer went to bed at the same time as her anymore. Occasionally she'd wake up from the anxiety of him not being in bed yet and would come to the stairway and yell &quot;FredddddDDDD!!&quot; And he'd jump up and get to bed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a woman in my thirties now and my parents are still together. My dad still fights for his alone time. I believe at some point he set a rule that he wanted to watch football every week by himself. Even so my mom still finds a way to intervene.   He still stays up late and sometimes falls asleep on the couch. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd strongly encourage you to tackle this head on. Be firm but tactful. You may need to set a schedule of alone time. Maybe if she knows ahead of time she'll handle it better. For example - every Monday night and Thursday night I need a few hours to myself,  completely uninterrupted. Or just give her 24 hours notice if possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11140" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T03:32:47.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8867" CreationDate="2018-01-10T03:51:14.233" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You really can and probably should call him. First of all, you already  know text and tech in general is not an option. And you can't visit him in person. By default your remaining options are mail or phone (Or private investigator lol). Second, you deserve to know what happened! It certainly sounds like he either changed his phone number OR is being super passive aggressive. If you are feeling passive aggressive yourself, call him from a different number (get a Google phone number) and if he answers you can say hi it's me and I have a new phone number and am letting my friends know. BTW is everything okay? I tried to text you a few weeks ago. Is something wrong? Etc &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11140" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T03:51:14.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8962" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8949" CreationDate="2018-01-10T08:24:10.120" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consult with your doctor about this.  A hearing specialist should be able to provide you with a hearing aid that softens rather than amplifies sound - the plugs themselves should deaden the sound, so you're basically just turning the &quot;strength&quot; of the aid down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should make things more comfortable with you without constantly having to ask people to quieten down.  It'll also limit the effect of the environment (since you can't tell the rest of the world to be quiet).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree that this is more of a practical than an interpersonal answer, but it seems appropriate here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T08:24:10.120" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8964" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-10T09:13:04.093" Score="2" ViewCount="669" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a PhD student. I share an office room with 3 other master's students. Two of them talk with each other a lot and completely distracts me. I just started to work here so I don't want to tense the stuff up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The use of headphones, or earplugs did not help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How may I, very diplomatically and without ruining anything, stop them doing it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9990" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T04:02:10.603" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T00:08:37.753" Title="How to tell my office mates stop talking when I am working?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8964" CreationDate="2018-01-10T09:48:24.490" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are sharing a workspace with others. It is just as much their space as it is yours. You cannot reasonably demand they stop talking inside that space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do, however, is admit that you are unable to work efficiently with distractions, and you would appreciate it if they were able to continue there conversation at either another time or place. You should word it in a way in that it is your inability to work while the conversation is going on that is at fault, not the fact that they are talking.&#xA;Most people are more accomidating to help someone than they are when they feel they are being attacked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they refuse to talk elsewhere, then you need to either accept your fate with them talking, be more forceful in your approach and risk making enemies of them, or seek a non-interpersonal resolution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T09:48:24.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8964" CreationDate="2018-01-10T09:50:27.400" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First attempt (which I don't know whether you already tried) is the plain and kind&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Guys [smile], just a little thing: I'm dealing with something pretty complicated here, may I ask you to lower your voices please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and wait to see how they react. We will then start from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T09:50:27.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8970" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8972" CreationDate="2018-01-10T10:32:44.530" Score="4" ViewCount="2461" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm currently in college, dorming in a room with 3 other guys. A few months ago I started noticing a disgusting smell in the room. After looking around, I realized that one of my roomates, who is on the football team, only showers around 3 times a week and is the source of the smell. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, how can I tell him - without being offensive - that he &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt; to shower more often?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6465" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2018-01-10T11:18:08.740" LastActivityDate="2018-01-28T21:33:24.900" Title="How to I tell my roomate he needs to shower more often?" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-16T13:45:29.870" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8972" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8970" CreationDate="2018-01-10T10:52:10.293" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just keep it simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey man, you might want to take a shower(, you're a bit smelly). You might want to shower a more often, at least after working out, to minimize this :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It gets weird if you make it weird, otherwise it's just a comment (like &quot;Hey man, you have something on your cheek&quot;). You often smell your own body way less because you're used to it, it's not odd that someone points it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also want to check for dirty laundry, what are your policies on that? If you leave it around a lot, that might give off an odour. A friend of mine keeps his shoes in the hallway to avoid the smell in his room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="5504" LastEditDate="2018-01-28T21:33:24.900" LastActivityDate="2018-01-28T21:33:24.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8970" CreationDate="2018-01-10T11:02:00.960" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is important to take him aside for this and not tell him in front of other people. So maybe if you find a time where you are alone with him in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you want to tell him exactly what you told us:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you noticed a bad smell&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you &lt;strong&gt;think&lt;/strong&gt; it is him&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you would like him to shower after he comes from the football training&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, do you have a moment to talk about something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Non-confrontational, this way you don't start off on the wrong foot, and you will notice when you should better come back at another point in time. After all you want something from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Lately I noticed an unpleasant smell in the room [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gauge his reaction. If he seems to want to say something, let him speak. Maybe it's not him and he has noticed it too. Then you wouldn't want to accuse him of something. Otherwise just continue speaking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and I think it might be you, because of your football training. Could you please take a shower after coming home? Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you show him how you came to the conclusion that it is him and you also offer a solution. On top of that you don't directly accuse him of something and give him opportunity to explain himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T05:56:09.690" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T05:56:09.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8947" CreationDate="2018-01-10T12:05:52.290" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's at the very least unsmart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're holding a public conversation, in a public space, broadcasting the conversation to every person in the chatroom. By abusing a public chatroom for a private conversation, you may occasionally be fooling yourself into acting like it is a private conversation, which &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; lead to you occasionally saying things that cannot be said in a publicly broadcasted conversation - and that will definitely be offensive, and may even get you banned from the chat eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even apart from this issue, you're adding noise to the public channel - you're not part of the conversation so from the point of view of everyone you put on ignore, you just spam the channel with irrelevant and pointless messages, which will cause people to put you on ignore, or to report you for spam or for being a bot, which also may get you banned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, there is no court that tries to figure out if banning you is fair and just - there's either a single person making the decision, or a fully automated system based on number of people you've annoyed, and there's no recourse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T12:05:52.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8982" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8997" CreationDate="2018-01-10T14:34:57.860" Score="25" ViewCount="12398" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everything is in the title but in case it matters here is some context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't fear things (spiders or snakes or blood or needles or whatever) and I don't really understand how/why people are afraid of those things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My BF on the other hand IS scared by some things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A typical example is &lt;em&gt;needles&lt;/em&gt;: I donate blood and he agrees with me on how important it is, but he never joins me because of his fear of needles (he sometimes comes but doesn't stay with me while they take my blood). He WANTS to, but he can't (I have never pushed or pressured him about it, he genuinely wants to do it, because he thinks it is the right thing to do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So our problem is: Sometimes we/he can't do things we/he WANT to do because of fear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do understand that fear is not something rational and I'm talking about fear of things &quot;you can touch&quot; (like animals, object, not fear of dying or fear of heights or fear of accident/car crash).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have tried so far:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Being rational about those things: He agrees, but it won't go further (OK the spider won't eat/kill me but I won't touch it anyways (I still need to be around when there is a spider in the house))&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Work on the origin of fear when possible (worked pretty well but not always applicable; sometimes there is no rational reason behind the fear or I just don't get/know where it comes from)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Being pushy and show him afterwards &quot;See it wasn't a big deal&quot;: Kind of worked once for a small fear, didn't worked AT ALL for a bigger one - I won't try this again&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be an example: Same as number 1. He watches me deal with the thing, says it's OK but it never goes further.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So the main question is:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I help him overcome his fear? (When he wants to get over it or at least want to do things even if he is scared. I won't try to help with a fear he's not ready to face.)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Subquestion: How can I have a better understanding of his fears wich may allow me to help him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 11/01/2018 : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To those saying that these fears are minor and we can live with it : Yes, I agree, we can and we do. But there is plenty of them, some that he wants to get rid of and some that really annoys me. Main goal is to help him with those he wants to face and maybe later when he'll be over them he may want to face those that annoy me or I can gently convice him it would be good to work on them.  I/We need advices because it will improve some/a lot of stuff in our life if we manage to deal with some fears, but if not we won't break up over it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll take a couple of hour to process every answer and I'll follow the advices about exposure, and taking small step (and not mothering him too much) and I really appreciate the time you took to help me. Thank you all :) I'll accept an answer soon (a lot of good answers !) and I'll try to come back in a few days/weeks to give a feedback on the situation !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again thank you all !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11157" LastEditorUserId="11157" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T16:22:41.677" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T05:47:58.500" Title="How can I help my Significant Other to overcome his fear particularly when I don't understand it?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;fear&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8983" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-10T14:59:33.870" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally I don't believe that an external factor (like you in this case) can affect the internal phobias of your partner. Perhaps you could suggest studying techniques aimed at overcoming phobias used in psychotherapy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think that understanding his fears would make him/your relationship better in any way, but you don't experience such phobias yourself, make use of your empathy and imagination. It makes perfect sense to him to be afraid of certain things just like it makes perfect sense to you that it won't harm or kill him. Think of as a combination of strong disgust, fear of consequences and wanting to avoid an unpleasant situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T14:59:33.870" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-10T15:14:44.290" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Fears are usually based on something tangible or an experience, whearas phobias are often by nature irrational. Fears that seem irrational are perhaps just based on the 'unknown'. When you think about it, it isn't so irrational to fear the unknown. Fear is a survival behaviour and the dark unknown can harbour some stuff that'll kill ya.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe my own experience will help. I had two enduring fears that I thought were phobias - heights, and needles. I realise now that they weren't irrational because I overcame them with without much effort, you could say they passed naturally. First was needles. I avoided blood tests and immunisations for decades. Every year my employer offered me a flu vaccination which I turned down for 10 years. Then I became a parent, and the first year of my daughter's life she and I both caught flu at the same time. Seeing my daughter ill and being so ill myself I was almost unable to care for her was one of the most awful experiences. The next year, I marched in to get a flu shot with no fear whatsoever. I believe that my instinct to protect and care for my daughter overrode the fear I previously had. Rationally, the needle was now something I saw as a protection, not a threat. Consequently, I now also know that rationally, it is nothing to be afraid of. Realising this was the springboard to conquering the fear of heights. I was invited to do one of those treetop activity things and I realised that having faced one fear and won, I could overcome this too. It was just a case of having complete trust in the harness system that protects you up there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So back to you and your SO - there may be no magic words you can say to make him overcome such fears. In fact, whenever someone said to me &quot;there is nothing to be afraid of&quot; it made me more afraid because they weren't acknowledging my fear, they were dismissing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fear of spiders is fairly common, and while it may not seem so incredibly manly, it isn't really life-altering either. I wasn't fond of them - now I have to be brave for my daughter, so again this is something that I have overcome 'naturally'. If you'd locked me in a room full of spiders 10 years ago I might have freaked out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to 'choose your battles'. Ignore the fears that don't really matter, like snakes and spiders. Unless you're going on safari together, this isn't going to affect your life much. Giving blood is a personal thing, you shouldn't have to force him. But if there is something that is really impacting negatively on his (and your) life then perhaps it would help if you talk about the benefits of facing up to the fear, and the consequences of not doing so. This is giving him the tools to 'reason' on it and be rational - the rest is up to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T15:14:44.290" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8988" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-10T16:11:42.383" Score="-1" Body="&lt;h3&gt;TL;DR: keep his mind busy.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am speaking from my personal experience, so don't take my word for the only solution, but rather try it yourself and see if it works for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A while ago, I decided, out of the blue, to learn sleight of hands. I learnt that my family had some history with magic tricks (hypnosis, pickpocketing, streets bamboozlement ...), so I figured out&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not keep this tradition going ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being the clever, broke student I was, I decided to learn sleight of hand, especially tricks where you can bet money, and pickpocketing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the first things you learn is &lt;strong&gt;how to draw attention away&lt;/strong&gt;. I believe this is called deception ? (Sorry, I'm not a native speaker). The word I learned was misdirection, so let's go with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, the very principle behind it was that your brain is able to focus on &lt;strong&gt;one thing at a time&lt;/strong&gt;. When you ask him to process something, he is actually busy trying to process it, and can't process other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A very good video about that is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.fr/url?sa=t&amp;amp;rct=j&amp;amp;q=&amp;amp;esrc=s&amp;amp;source=web&amp;amp;cd=3&amp;amp;cad=rja&amp;amp;uact=8&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwjfwvy94M3YAhVEtBQKHbUQCHAQtwIINjAC&amp;amp;url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DGZGY0wPAnus&amp;amp;usg=AOvVaw0OvPWwcUuDqi7vqu7o4Rmq&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Apollo Robins' TEDx talk, the art of misdirection&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. He has great examples, use cases and explains it very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While he was performing on scene, he made several tricks that I didn't even notice, to the point I actually had to watch the video 4 times to get them all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;But how does it apply to your situation ?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, after seeing that, I wondered myslef&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the brain is only able to process one thing at a time, could you exploit this behavior for other things than magic tricks ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently, &lt;strong&gt;yes&lt;/strong&gt;, you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some examples of what I did with those informations :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Helped a suicidal friend to change her mind. This got her out of asylium.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The same way, helped 2 other friends suffering from depression.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Used it to get numbers when flirting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Used it to draw attention away from a friend who's been injured (broken leg), easing the pain.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Used it while my SO had a spider in her hair (just enough to withdraw it)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you try this, let's say with the spider, the best way to do that is simply to talk to him, misdirect him, while you put a spider on him. He won't notice it, and have a living nightmare on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next step will be to make him notice it, while misdirecting him. For that, simply show him his own arm, while still talking to him. He will notice it after a while, freak out, and realize that it's not so much of a fear now that he faced it !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11159" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T16:11:42.383" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8989" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-10T16:28:39.267" Score="4" ViewCount="511" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me try to explain. I have certain food items that I really dislike. I am not allergic to them, but their taste I just can not bear at all. They include some foods that people tend to have in too many meals, and the best example is onions (in any way, green onions, leek, cooked onions, etc.). Overall I am not a very picky eater, but even a tiny bit of onion will spoil any dish for me. I know I am not alone in this, I have several friends also totally disliking onions, but in general people like them, obviously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So whenever I am at a restaurant and I have to mention food should be cooked without onions, they sometimes forget it, then I remind them I asked, and the waiter either says something like: &quot;But it compliments the dish!&quot; or &quot;But there's not much of it!&quot;, or they pick the most obvious pieces out, but it remains there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I am with friends or I meet new people in a friendly gathering and someone cooks for everyone, every time I am being mocked - in a friendly way, but - about it. I have, unfortunately, zero sense of humor, even though I try to cultivate it and am a good-natured person, so I can never think of a witty or a proper answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I am visiting my granny, she loves to cook for me (as grannies are) and at &lt;em&gt;every&lt;/em&gt; &lt;em&gt;single&lt;/em&gt; &lt;em&gt;meal&lt;/em&gt; there will be a talk how I should try onions and how food is not eatable without them and so on and so forth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is my own problem, but I get &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; frustrated from all these comments and situations. I know I can not change everyone around me. I can definitely not change granny or any new people I meet, and I can not force my friends not to joke about it since it's their way of expressing friendliness towards me, light jokes. But it seriously angers me and makes me feel like an idiot. I can not control my food dislike, that's a given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any advice of how I can behave in such situations? Maybe how to answer properly to stop the conversations at the very start, not being too rude, but effective? I hope I have made it clear enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11147" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T14:17:02.843" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T14:17:02.843" Title="How to deal with comments about my likes and dislikes" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-01-10T19:55:01.043" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8989" CreationDate="2018-01-10T16:46:31.840" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When it comes to strangers, or servers at restaurants (people you are never going to meet again), I would stick to telling them it's an allergy (or better, express that you'll have a 'bad reaction' to consuming them) &lt;strong&gt;if they ask&lt;/strong&gt;. There's no reason for them to care whether it's a preference or an allergy, they should take your food preparation request seriously regardless. This way when the food preparation does go amiss (onions in your food), you can tell them that you &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; eat it (which is true, because for you the dish tastes awful and is ruined), without being grilled for your preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example encounter&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You order your food with no onion&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You receive your food WITH onion&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &amp;quot;Excuse me, I can't eat this, could I please get a new dish without onion?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Waiter: &amp;quot;Why not? There's not that many, you can pick them out.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, the waiter is putting you on the spot and being argumentative of your own personal preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &amp;quot;I'm unable to digest onion/I have an allergic reaction to eating onion/I'm intolerant to onion.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the waiter presses any further, tell them it's not their business (this is a polite thing to do at this point, honestly)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above is something a friend of mine with gastroparesis (which eliminates a wide variety of foods from a diet) frequently did at restaurants. She found that it ended up being more tiresome to explain &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; she was making a request to someone than to just tell them she was allergic. &lt;strong&gt;Your experience at a venue is your business alone,&lt;/strong&gt; and telling a white lie to ensure you continue to enjoy your experience without arguing with a server is acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the people in your life who know that you simply don't &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; onions are a harder subject to address. It might be best to find a short sentence you can respond with whenever it comes up. I was giving my friend who dislikes eggs a hard time once, to which he replied:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never going to eat them - they taste like feet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I certainly don't agree that eggs taste like feet, but I could agree that if something reminded &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; of feet while I was eating it, I'd stop eating it too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just find a short, somewhat comical (tastes like feet/butts/etc.), statement that you can say quickly and passively to move the conversation along. I'd aim for something universally unappetizing, so that the interest to continue talking about food is lessened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also has the effect to make people think &amp;quot;WOW, I am not going to bring up onions around Alice anymore because every time I do, she talks about feet!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T18:51:02.103" CommentCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8991" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8989" CreationDate="2018-01-10T17:08:15.533" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have certain food items that I really dislike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same for me when it comes to carrots or mint-flavoured chocolates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tasted them once, and threw up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people ask me (or mock me), I simply state it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tasted them once, and threw up. Aaaaaaand I'm not enthusiast about throwing up here in front of you. I suppose you too are not enthusiast about that, are you? [smile, maybe wink also]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It literally grosses them away, and makes them change subject on the spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I told you so far applies to friends or anyway close people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to service people (e.g. waiters), you can put it in a &quot;less gross&quot; way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have stomach disturbs with [food you hate], so please please please, really make sure no trace of it is in the dish. Thank you [smile]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they want you to come back eating at them... all the more reason to comply with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T17:08:15.533" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-10T17:24:08.510" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner is afraid of heights, and of needles. He can't even watch if someone is getting a needle on TV. He can get vaccinated, though he dislikes it, and he's been lucky enough not to need a lot of IVs or blood samples. His fear of heights extends to not being ok with &lt;strong&gt;me&lt;/strong&gt; looking over a lookout railing or going near the edge of a cliff. This has spoiled a couple of hikes over the decades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of these have improved dramatically in the last 5 years, rather accidentally. We took an amazing trip which included many hikes that went along the edges of cliffs with no guardrails, something we hadn't expected. (These countries have different approaches to guardrails than North America.) There was no choice but to walk along the high paths for some time, and he now is actually much more comfortable with some heights, though he isn't going to seek them out. Also, I got very ill and have been having IV treatments, blood draws, surgeries etc for about 18 months now. For most of these he has had to accompany me and be helpful, such as knowing when to squeeze my hand and when to let go. This level of exposure has also reduced the fear for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your partner genuinely wants to donate blood, then it would be ok for the two of you to try together to work your way up to it. (Don't do this if it's you who wants him to donate blood or to get over the fear.) The first step, which you're doing, is to come with you and see all the aspects of it except the donation part. The second would be to come in with you, but turn away for the needle part. He'll get the sounds and all the other experiences, and can see you there with the needle in your arm not having a problem. After a few more times, he might watch the actual stick (but he doesn't have to, I don't watch my needles go in. I do keep my eyes open though because that makes the needle go in better, I don't know why.) Eventually he might be willing to give it a try. It would help if over the time you were working up to it, the pair of you got to know some of the blood techs, so you could be sure of a compassionate and pleasant first attempt. Trust me, they vary &lt;strong&gt;wildly&lt;/strong&gt; and some are jabby and curt while others work with you to make it go smoothly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, people's fears are their own, and for them to face or live by. I don't want someone &quot;training&quot; me to be willing to park in underground parking or other things that scare me. If your partner's fears are holding you back, working together on his &lt;strong&gt;behaviours&lt;/strong&gt; is fine. And if he expresses a wish to do something, you can offer to help. But curing his fear is not your task; don't take it on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-01-10T20:56:36.873" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T20:56:36.873" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-10T18:54:56.823" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;Framing it as getting them to overcome their fears is counterproductive. In addition to the existing fear there's now an additional pressure to &quot;get over this problem&quot;. This creates an new thing to be anxious over. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let your partner know that it's ok to be afraid. Let them know that not doing the thing is an option on the table. It's important that this isn't just something you are saying, with no emotional weight behind it. They will need to &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; that you will be ok with them backing out halfway through a thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overcoming fears isn't something you can do for them. At best you can be a cheerleader. They need to want to do this and will need to figure out how to do it at their own pace. If you pressure them then you're complicating things by adding worries about disappointing you to the mix. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember you're not their therapist, you are their partner. If your partner feels that they need external help you can help them by suggesting that they seek the services of a licensed therapist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T15:24:10.357" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T15:24:10.357" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8994" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="8995" CreationDate="2018-01-10T19:51:18.213" Score="107" ViewCount="34743" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a female co-worker (she's technically my superior but in another department). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've worked together for about 4.5 years and have been become pretty good friends, we'll always chat in the kitchen at work and occasionally see each other outside of work for drinks or whatnot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently she confided in me that her husband was sterile and asked if I would be willing to make a sperm donation so that she can have a child as she &quot;really values my intelligence&quot; (her words not mine).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I'm simply not comfortable having a child out there whose life I have no part in (especially one being raised by someone so close by). I asked for some time to think about it but I'm sure she is expecting an answer soon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I turn her down in a way that won't hurt our friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10905" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T10:23:16.190" LastActivityDate="2018-06-10T20:49:18.653" Title="How to gently turn down a female coworker who asked for a sperm donation?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8995" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8994" CreationDate="2018-01-10T19:58:05.267" Score="206" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell her exactly what you've written above. That you're &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;not comfortable having a child out there whose life I have no part in&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she tries to engage in a debate, remember that you don't owe her an explanation beyond that. I would absolutely not engage in a debate along the lines of &lt;em&gt;&quot;what if you could visit&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or anything of the sort. When it comes to these sort of very private decisions you need not feel any pressure to elaborate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be as polite as possible, but if she pushes the issue don't be afraid to cut her off: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can see that this was not the answer you were hoping for, but my decision is final, and I do not wish to engage in a debate. Thank you for understanding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then put the whole episode behind you if you wish to preserve the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T13:56:16.363" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T13:56:16.363" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8994" CreationDate="2018-01-10T20:01:51.283" Score="83" Body="&lt;p&gt;You just say, &quot;I'm honored you thought of this.  I'm sorry, that's not possible&quot; and don't offer any further explanation or reason.  Generally people want reasons to try to work around them; if you just don't want to do it then there's no need to offer a reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep this in mind: in one recent &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/23/justice/kansas-sperm-donation/index.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;case&lt;/a&gt;, the donor had to pay child support.  Are you willing to take that risk?  Even though most law absolves you of responsibility if done under a physician's supervision, if you aren't emotionally prepared for a relationship for the rest of your life with this person, it's not worth it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Co-workers come and go.  Even if hurts your relationship, neither of the two of you will work there forever.  Consider it an honor but don't let her guilt you into this if you're not ready.  It's your life, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T20:01:51.283" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-10T20:10:57.303" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can provide moral support when he wants to overcome a fear, and you can help him find ways to do it very gradually (which is more or less what professionals do to treat a phobia, and getting professional treatment would also be an option).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea would be to find something close enough to the fear that it's at least slightly disturbing, and expose him to that until it isn't disturbing any more.  Then find the next least disturbing thing, if it isn't too bad, and try getting used to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if a spider in the room is too much, what about a spider locked in a cage.  What about a picture of a spider?  What about a story about a spider?  What about the word &quot;spider&quot; on a piece of paper taped to the refrigerator?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So a way it might go would be that &quot;spider&quot; on a piece of paper is not even slightly disturbing, but a story with spiders is a little.  So he reads about spiders until it's just boring, and then feels OK with spider pictures that don't show too much detail.  Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might find that sometimes there isn't a gradual enough path for this to work - for example going from watching other people have blood drawn to having your own blood drawn seems like a pretty big leap, without obvious intermediate steps.  Without professional help, I would probably be very conservative about what I took on.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will probably work better than the &quot;being pushy&quot; option and trying to take it all on at once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The being an example or working on the origin of the fear probably won't work very well - he knows it's irrational already, but knowing doesn't make the fear go away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, there is risk/reward trade of to consider for all of this.  Maybe not giving blood and staying clear of spiders is just easier and not worth the trouble of losing the fear.  The examples given seem to have &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; adverse consequences, but they are pretty minor.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way you could help is to be accepting if he decides he's fine with things as they are.  From the examples it seems like his minor fears aren't really adversely affecting your life much at all, and if so then being accepting probably wouldn't be much of a burden to you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11164" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T20:10:57.303" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8916" CreationDate="2018-01-10T20:38:36.500" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like the answers provided already are either focused on the surface aspects of your question, or delve all the way into the specific relationship with this newer friend. I want to examine the psychological side of it a bit more while keeping it general enough to apply in more than this one specific case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Is it okay to be angry?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. Anger is a legitimate emotion and shouldn't necessarily be buried. It's okay to get angry about something that impacts you deeply. You also shouldn't need to be embarrassed about expressing it somehow. Denying it is only going to burn you on the inside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;So is it okay to express anger?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Absolutely. In general, honesty is what builds trust, and trust is the foundation of relationships. So don't be dishonest, with yourself or others. That will lead to unstable friendships where one side or the other is losing out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Great, so I'm on the right track.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wrong. What's arguably more important than being honest, is &lt;em&gt;communicating effectively&lt;/em&gt;. The interactions you're describing are only expressing your anger, they're not dealing with it constructively, nor are they examples of good communication. Saying &quot;$^% you&quot; to your friend didn't change his mind, it didn't clearly express your opinion, and it was not very productive. All it did was express your anger. He came around because he trusts and respects you, and considers your relationship valuable. That would almost certainly have happened regardless of your outburst. You don't appear to have this same level of commitment from your newer friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone will receive that kind of expression differently. There's no telling exactly how this girl would react to what you proposed, but I would certainly advise more caution than you used previously. There are a lot of different personality types out there; some will take criticism and confrontation well, and other will not. In order to effectively get your point across and see change, you need to determine what type of personality you're dealing with and then frame your desires and emotions with respect to their social style. Anger is fine, but rarely will you be able to verbally lash someone without consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;tl;dr&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no single rule to govern this. Anger is a legitimate emotion and shouldn't necessarily be hidden. However it won't change anyone's mind by itself, and could do more harm than good in some situations. Of course this is naturally a complicated subject that has book after book written about it, but what is boils down to is this: &lt;strong&gt;Justifying your anger accomplishes nothing. To get results, you need to more effectively communicate the problems you see, and what you think might help solve them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T20:38:36.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="8999" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-10T21:53:04.540" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't try to reason with phobias. By definition, they're irrational fears or fears to an irrational degree. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to cure someone else of a phobia without their consent and cooperation. They need to be willing, motivated and engaged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do instead is to offer help and support. This may include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Accepting that it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a huge challenge for them, even if you don't know &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Offering help: &quot;it's hard, but if you want to stop this getting in the way of doing what you want, it may be possible to overcome it gradually and with time&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Finding support from people who have gone through the same thing, a la &quot;I always assumed I was a lost cause because I couldn't even be in the same building as a spider, but after two weeks of grueling gradual exposure I was able to swat one and toss it outside by myself. It's unreal!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Being empathetic of fear and encouraging of progress: &quot;I remember when you didn't even want to sit in the parking lot across the street, and now you're here in the waiting room. That's pretty huge. How does it feel?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;See it wasn't a big deal&quot;: Kind of worked once for a small fear, didn't worked AT ALL for a bigger one - I won't try this again&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good. As a tangent for anyone else stumbling across this, please try your best never to invalidate someone's emotions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't tell a proud student that their hard work was useless and that they're dumb for taking so long because &quot;see, I told you it was easy&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't tell a pet owner grieving the loss of their best friend to &quot;cheer up, it's just a dog&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And don't tell someone that coming face to face with your greatest fear is no big deal. If it isn't, what is?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11166" LastEditorUserId="11166" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T19:23:02.243" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T19:23:02.243" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9000" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-10T21:55:28.310" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If he wants to get over these fears/phobias, ask him what HIS baby-steps would be. Then support him with those baby steps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, I have a phobia of spiders. But it is FAR less strong than it used to be. What helped? Making friends with a friend's pet tarantula. I was fascinated by it enough to hold it without freaking out and hurting it. Once I held it the first time, I was then totally fine with tarantula-sized pet spiders. From there it extended to getting comfortable with the itsy-bitsy ones. I still dislike the fat ones you find in the garden at the end of the summer, the big hairy ones that live under the boards at the base of the house and &quot;surprise&quot; spiders (such as those that are hanging about face height and can get stuck in my hair...) are enough to send me into a &quot;GETITOFFGETITOFF!!&quot; fit (complete with jumping up and down and flapping hands).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pictures of jumping spiders with &quot;water drop hats&quot; all over the internet are utterly adorable to me now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to summarize: Ask HIM to plan his &quot;baby steps&quot; of gradual exposure, then be the support person. Only push if he asks/wants to be gently pushed onto his next baby step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T21:55:28.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-10T22:21:48.813" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I help him overcome his fear?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, encourage him to see a psychotherapist. Behavioral as well as systemic/strategic therapy have been repeatedly tested as effective methods for solving phobic problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People suffering phobic problems tend to use one or more strategies to ease the strain of their phobic responses, which - unintentionally and unconsciously - often maintain the phobic response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Among these are avoiding, seeking assistance and preparing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a partner of somebody experiencing phobic problems, the &quot;assistance seeking&quot; response may affect you especially:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't do X, but when you are with me, I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting assistance from the other person is of course a sign of support and love, but at the same time sending an (unintended) message of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not capable of doing this on my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in the short term, assisting will be experienced as a relief, but after that maintain the problem and makes it even worse by continually decreasing one’s expectations of being capable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Encouraging your SO to face feared (but harmless) situations is surely helpful; assisting him in doing so might have adverse effects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When seeing a psychotherapist, you might have a talk together to evaluate strategies to truly help your SO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T17:49:48.420" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T17:49:48.420" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3793" CreationDate="2018-01-10T22:40:55.733" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think others have covered the idea of being direct and controlling the schedule yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would supplement these approaches with some behavioral feedback to let the coworker know that you're still on friendly terms but that this subject is one not relevant to your work. In his book 'The Like Switch' Jack Schafer highlights the 'big three' friend signals:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The eyebrow flash: a quick up-and-down of eyebrows that signals recognition. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Genuine smile: acknowledgement of the other person via smile&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Eye Contact: acknowledgement of the other person via eye contact (1-2 seconds)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Greet by name (optional)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you decide to directly discuss this issue with your coworker, open with all of these behavioral signals. This communicates to the other person that you are a friend who respects and acknowledges them, meaning they are more likely to listen to your explanation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smile and communicate kindly and firmly why you cannot view the pictures/chat (e.g. 'I'll stop by your cubicle when I have time', 'I prefer to keep my home life and work life separate.', 'Let's talk at the end of the work day', 'I really need to concentrate on my work this month because of XYZ&quot;). Smile genuinely again, make eye contact and thank them for stopping by. Break eye contact and usher them out/turn back to your work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A genuine smile is important. People are very good at detecting false smiles, eye rolls etc. (Schafer); I try to think of something I genuinely like about the person and keep that in mind. An additional behavioral trick is standing-up when someone enters your cube/office and you don't have time for them. This usually does not allow them to sit down and puts you at equal height/eye level with the individual allowing you better communication and control of the office space. This does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; need to be aggressive; it's the same signal we give when we stand at the end of a meeting to signal it's over. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the coworker returns to share later, smile and refer her back to this conversation (e.g. 'Thanks for sharing Carol...&lt;em&gt;remember&lt;/em&gt; when I said I need to concentrate on XYZ this month/&lt;em&gt;remember&lt;/em&gt; when I said I like to keep my home and work life separate/&lt;em&gt;remember&lt;/em&gt; when I said I'd come by later...I've got to get back to finishing this right now.') Repeat this every time she comes by for the child's photo purpose while also smiling/acknowledging her. This gently puts the social faux pas on her for returning as &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; did not remember your conversation from earlier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think people are mostly hurt when they feel their social effort is rejected. Try to communicate on all levels you still have a friendly interest in her and appreciate her social foray, but kindly and firmly outline this subject is not of interest to you personally. Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4744" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T22:40:55.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8994" CreationDate="2018-01-10T23:59:31.407" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an observer, I'm curious to know why you would be concerned about this matter affecting the relationship. Is there a possibility that simply saying &quot;no&quot; to her will ruin the dynamic you currently have? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The present responses should answer your question adequately about how to broach the topic. On the other hand, I don't agree that you should give her a decision without reason because it could potentially result in a discord in your communication and relationship. She's asking a yes or no question, there's only one way it can go. It's not the &quot;no&quot; that will upset her, it's the &quot;why.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To further simplify, be sincere and genuine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Voice your concerns about it, and don't worry too much about letting her down easy - she's already married, after all. If you prefer to be tactful, perhaps invite her and her husband to dinner with the purpose of discussing their reasoning behind asking &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to be the donor. Hear them out first, give them your decision, then let them hear you out. Be straightforward about it and bring up your continued friendship as one of your concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After hearing them out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to let you know, I've made a decision. The answer is: no. While&#xA;  I'm flattered, I've thoroughly considered all the short and long term&#xA;  effects of a decision such as this, and I'm afraid the risk is just&#xA;  far too great for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cite your future plans and that the knowledge of having fathered a child as a donor would affect your emotional well being ten, and even twenty, years from today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's not a stranger, she's a friend, and with friends it's important they truly know where you're coming from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11156" LastActivityDate="2018-01-10T23:59:31.407" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9006" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-11T02:32:09.617" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this is an aversion to putting oneself in harm's way. Most people have strong inhibitions about, say, doing something that would risk them losing their arm, especially without a good reason. It makes sense that some people have stronger, further-reaching inhibitions than others as this means that in dangerous situations &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; will survive (sometimes the risk-takers; sometimes the risk-averse).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's important to understand is that this kind of fear is a heuristic response. Quick and simple. Pain = bad. Poison = bad. Seeing blood = bad. Fear is not interested in analysis and chances. So how does one fight this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Remove all ammunition from the logical mind&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The logical mind usually can't help much, but it &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; introduce doubts and questions at the last minute and you don't want those. So identify any potential concerns and find simple satisfactory counter-arguments ahead of time. A needle hurts less than accidentally walking into something. If you're worried about feeling woozy, it's no worse than feeling exhausted after a workout. Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Find multiple reasons to do it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, things that are quite important to you. It could include &quot;I want to share this experience with my SO&quot;, &quot;I want to prove to myself that I can overcome my fears&quot;, or &quot;I'm sick of not being able to act on my beliefs&quot;. You could talk to people who were saved by a blood transfusion, or visualise the satisfaction of having done it. Ask yourself &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you want to do it, and make sure you go further than just &quot;I believe in it&quot;. It is a good sign if you build up enough resolve that you're determined to attempt it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Attempt it while focusing on simple, positive things&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offset the simple reasons for your fear with other simple things. &quot;This is interesting&quot;, &quot;This is satisfying&quot;, &quot;I'm doing what I believe in&quot;, &quot;I'm proud of myself&quot;, &quot;There's nothing to worry about&quot;, &quot;I want to do this&quot;, &quot;This is exciting&quot;. Redirect fear-related thoughts to positive thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess I wrote this as a guide for the person with the fears, but it should help you understand how to help someone struggling to overcome fears. One of the most useful things you can do is being a reminder of the positives (it's easy to forget them when the fears are taking over).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11173" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T02:32:09.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8964" CreationDate="2018-01-11T03:26:41.670" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way I see it, you only have a few options:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Address this yourself either directly or indirectly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Directly: TO THEIR FACES MID CHAT:   &quot;Hey guys - I hate to be a pain in the neck but I really need complete quiet when I'm working. I just have a terrible time focusing with distractions. Could I ask you guys to chat outside?&quot; (Resist the urge to email/instant msg this. It is much more impactful when used directly and verbally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It shows confidence and conveys your polite tone way more than an email ever will.) Inevitably they will shut up for a while but within a few days they will chat too much (probably). When that happens, put up with it initially. After a day or two, USE THIS SAME APPROACH. &quot;Hey guys - sorry again - but can I ask you to chat outside?&quot; Keep doing this every couple days or at least 1x per week.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Indirectly: Passive approach through email/instant msg/text: Write to them and say &quot;Hi there, I wanted to kindly ask if you could do me a favor. I am having trouble focusing because of the background noise from the conversations around me. So sorry to ask this, but, could you two try to reduce the chatter a tiny bit?  Thanks in advance and sorry again to be a pain about this. It would really help me, though.&quot;  The big downside is that you really can't keep emailing them every time they chat. It also shows &quot;weakness of hand&quot; so to speak. i.e. It's easier for them to disregard your feelings if they don't respect you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Address this through a third party (if available - i.e. is there a supervisor or someone in charge that you can go to and let them know what the problem is?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11140" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T03:26:41.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8970" CreationDate="2018-01-11T07:22:24.690" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is he a typical jock? The reason I ask is because your approach could vary based on personality. If he is a typical jock /cool Joe type, just say &quot;Hey man no offense but you smell gnarly. Grab a shower. In fact, any time you have football practice go directly to the nearest shower. I can't have your stank stanking up the joint.&quot;  If he laughs, nip it &quot;I'm laughing but I'm still serious. Please go shower. Now.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work be more serious &quot;Yo rob. We gotta talk. I was trying to be cool about it but I have to get this off my chest. Lately the smell in here is getting to be too much and it's not the room. It's just your BO. Could you grab a shower real quick?&quot; And then continue to reinforce that by reminding him as needed. &quot;Bro - shower.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11140" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T07:22:24.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8994" CreationDate="2018-01-11T09:33:43.617" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;There really is no such thing as &quot;a child whose life you have no part in&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm no expert on family law but even if you could sign away your rights and someone else 'adopt' that child, everybody should have the right to their true family history for sound, medical reasons if nothing else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've thought it over, and I'm sorry, I can't help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You shouldn't feel bad about stating your personal stance on this issue. You are not denying her a child; there are lots of other ways she could have a child (adoption, fostering, possibly even with her husband via other medical routes). If anything &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; would be the one denied of seeing your child grow up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T09:33:43.617" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9013" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-11T09:35:47.227" Score="0" ViewCount="429" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I help calm someone's performance anxiety?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We know that self-assurance in a speaker encourages audiences to be more receptive from the start. Conversely, people who look insecure on stage raise doubts about their competency immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In companies and social groups, we often want to hear from those doing the work, with first hand knowledge of the issues involved. Unfortunately, these people can be too anxious and self-conscious in a group to do justice to their own expertise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In small groups, I start taking notes to demonstrate how I value what they are saying. Later in a discussion I may ask them, not what they think, nor what answer is best, but which stood out to them — minimal challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We may need such people before a larger audience only on isolated occasions, and they will never be public speakers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One option is to interview them on stage. They are having a one-to-one conversation still, just with a crowd listening in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone told me it helps the nerves if we imagine the audience in their underwear. I will not be suggesting that at my local church.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What other techniques, stratagems and self-talk do we have to allay the anxieties of occasional speakers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="220" LastEditorUserId="220" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T08:25:03.070" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T18:29:58.747" Title="Alternative for &quot;What's the worst thing that can happen&quot; (dealing with anxiety)" Tags="&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-01-11T14:07:09.033" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9013" CreationDate="2018-01-11T09:43:33.183" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Fears are often of the unknown. When it comes to public speaking, experience is vital. Very few people are &quot;natural&quot; public speakers, for most it is a learned skill. As you point out, a person is often of interest as a speaker because of their knowledge or skill in a particular field, and they may have no speaking experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion there are worse situations than a nervous speaker. An enthusiastic and confident speaker who in fact knows nothing about the subject is equally infuriating. Equally, someone can be entirely without nerves yet be monotone, dry in their delivery, and humourless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your suggestion to have an experienced speaker interview the &quot;expert&quot; in their field is a good one. The interviewer can act as an &quot;everyman&quot; and this draws out the real speaker to deliver information in a  way that more people will understand. This may also give the &quot;expert&quot; the needed experience of being on stage, seeing how an audience reacts, and could give them the confidence to directly deliver a talk in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But to directly answer your question of how to calm someone's anxiety (presuming that they have agreed to a talk and have nerves, or need some persuading to get over their nerves) there are a few things that may help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There are &lt;em&gt;practical&lt;/em&gt; steps a person can take to be more prepared, and therefore more confident. Encourage them to write out a talk verbatim to begin with. They should practice the talk many times over &lt;em&gt;out loud&lt;/em&gt; and if possible in the room where it will be delivered. If this isn't possible, at least practice in the same position (standing or seated) as they will finally deliver it. As they practice out loud, correct any parts of the script that do not sound right and adjust the draft. Once happy with it, they should work to reduce the script to notes with the goal of speak extemporaneously. One methodology is to use words like &lt;em&gt;show, tell, explain&lt;/em&gt; in the margin to denote which parts you can put into your own words, which bits need to be read to get the details correct, and where you need to point to a textbook or powerpoint for example.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The most encouraging things you can say to reduce nerves are to avoid platitudes like &quot;&lt;em&gt;it will be fine&lt;/em&gt;&quot; which only dismiss their fears, and instead focus on positives. Tell them that it is their expertise people are interested in, not their speaking ability. Put across points from my earlier paragraphs - namely that an audience will be far more interested in hearing from a genuine expert with a few nerves than someone who can speak confidently but knows nothing. Tell them that the audience wants &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Many speakers feel more confident with a bit of a &quot;comfort object&quot;. It may sound crazy, but standing in front of a crowd with empty hands can make a person feel self-conscious. You may have noticed that many teachers, lecturers hold a marker pen in their hands whilst talking, even if they have no intention of using it. A laser pointer, a hand pointer, or a marker pen can give a strange confidence boost - so even if they don't need to use it much, suggest &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; use of an object like this to get it into their hands and you might see a big change!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Although people expect multimedia presentations these days, I actually &lt;em&gt;hate&lt;/em&gt; Powerpoint slides because non-confident speakers use these as a &quot;comfort object&quot; and end up just reading the slides (boring - the audience know what is coming), and worse still, facing the screen with their back to the audience. If you think this will happen, discourage their use and use handouts instead.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are all from my personal experience, some may disagree, and I can't quote anything to back them up. But the practical stuff certainly works for me every time. I hope it is of some use here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T09:49:37.050" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T09:49:37.050" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9013" CreationDate="2018-01-11T10:03:46.723" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I help calming someone's anxiety about people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;By being there for him/her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many cases, like in this one, words or theories are useless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this person is a friend or in anyway someone close to you for whom you do care a lot, try to be there in some form.&#xA;Say he/she is giving a public speech, try to be in the audience (and tell him/her beforehand, &quot;I'll be there&quot;) or maybe backstage, and smile when he/she happens to make eye contact with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The presence of loved ones is always the best medicine for the soul. For example, at funerals, you don't really need to say anything: those grieving their departed ones simply appreciate your presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't be there, offer to call before and after the anxiogenous event, and in my case it worked to give this person some material sign representing me he/she could morally cling to (e.g. a necklace or a pikachu miniature).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is not close to you, well then, it's more of a job for a psychologist, imo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="11873" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T18:29:58.747" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T18:29:58.747" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9016" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9032" CreationDate="2018-01-11T10:13:18.337" Score="59" ViewCount="34633" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a problem that I haven't been able to find an amicable solution to so far. I really don't like being touched, to the point where if someone is touching me unexpectedly I get confusion rising to panic if they won't stop. Over the years I've learned to keep myself under control somewhat, and to stop myself from reflexively shoving people away or hitting them. It still causes intense discomfort and is thoroughly unpleasant if people touch me. Most people that know me well know this and avoid excessive touching due to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, many acquaintances (friends of friends or colleagues) don't take this seriously at all even after repeated explainations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, some of them make a joke of it &quot;Heh he doesn't like to be touched lets group hug him from behind&quot; needless to say, it always makes me uncomfortable and it's really stressful and tiring and also sometimes I can't help myself and shove people away forcefully. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried explaining several times that I don't like to be touched and that it causes me great discomfort, but to very little effect. Many of my acquaintances just don't take it seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short of throwing them across the room or having a mental breakdown in front of them, how do I convince them it's serious and I actually &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; don't want to be touched and am not just saying that? Is there any specific way I can phrase that request to convey I'm dead serious?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-03-15T17:24:41.930" LastActivityDate="2019-03-16T06:25:46.807" Title="How to stop people from touching me without having to freak out at them" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;personal-space&gt;&lt;physical-contact&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9017" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-11T10:35:17.210" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are conventional and social rules about personal space and touching that are very cultural specific. I also lived in several countries with different conventions. I do not enjoy having my personal space invaded and much less touched by unknown people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is that. You usually have different personal space areas depending on wether it is family, friends, coworkers or unknown people. Certain cultures, namely Italians, and even my own people (rarely), also use a lot the habit of touching you to signal it is their time of talking, and I do not like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to establish borders yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not let strangers touching me simply. If I am aware they are trying to touch me, I remove myself from their grasp in a very quick and evident way,  and usually reasonable people do not try it again. If they simply still try to touch me without giving space for backing away, or touch me unaware, I confront them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It already happened to me people invading my space, for example, an acquaintance in  the xmas party got too near for my taste while we talked. I do however recognised it was part of his culture, and as we were having a friendly chat, while I tried to get away a couple of steps, I did let it go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As again for the cultural aspect, in certain parts of Africa or Asia, culturally people enjoy touching your hands or giving you hands while talking with you. I learned to live with that, for instance last time having a friendly chat with an uncle of my wife, we were holding hands like for 15 minutes. No harm done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is natural people invading or touching you when out for fun, or in family settings, especially when giving greetings. If however for instance, I have a very talkative friend that is touching my arm every time he wants to talk, I ask him to stop doing that. A relative may get away with that with just a remark I find it strange. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TDLR There are cultural expectations and norms, and you have to learn to manage and negotiate somehow between your expectations and the expectations of the other side. It is a skill to learn and work on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for people joking with that, you have got to assert yourself. Everybody has a right to have their privacy, be different and that be respected. I would be quite firm asking people to respect me and my wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, as they say in other threads, &quot;Your body, your rules&quot;. If you feel uncomfortable being touched or manhandled, man up and enforce you feel people are being rude to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T10:56:14.947" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T10:56:14.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-11T11:44:21.707" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel you. It looks like nice talking and reasoning won't help here. Tell your friends very firmly that touching is a definite &quot;no-go&quot; for you, it is nothing to laugh about and that they don't respect you if they go against your requests multiple times. Honestly speaking, a little yelling at them could change the situation, even though it's harsh. With friends and loved ones quite often reasoning won't work, so you have to make it absolutely clear that it makes you very angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11147" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T21:03:51.427" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T21:03:51.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-11T11:52:47.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In order to overcome fear, any fear, you need courage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Courage only allows us to overcome fear, it doesn't remove the fear, or decrease the chance of something bad happening to you, it just allows you to deal with it and get on with what you have to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have courage when it comes to needles, your SO does not. There is the same chance that something bad could happen to you when you go to give blood as would happen to them if they were to give blood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means there is something your brain does to give yourself courage to overcome the fear that your SO does not have, and this is what you are looking to build. It sounds like you are able to have an open and frank discussion about it, and you will need that honesty so you can work through it together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, courage comes from the following generalized sources:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. The belief that nothing can go wrong,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you go to give blood, you may believe that because the people taking the blood have been trained, other people give blood with no ill effects, and nothing went wrong the last time you gave blood, you have the courage to go and do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something could go wrong, but you don't believe it. Unfortunately your SO does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you are trying (and failing) to instill this kind of courage in your SO, but there are other options.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. The belief there is no chance of success,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you knew there was no chance of success, and that you are going to die if you did or did not do something, why not do it anyway?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While having nothing left to lose can be a great source of courage, it still doesn't mean you will win, but you will be able to do things that otherwise would terrify you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think this applies to your situation, as you have pointed out that you will remain with your SO regardless, so they can't lose everything, but it is still a source of courage worth mentioning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can point out to them that it will hurt, it will make them woozy, there will be blood and they will throw up and faint, and &lt;strong&gt;one day they will die regardless&lt;/strong&gt;. Wouldn't they rather die doing something worthwhile rather than dying one day by tripping up a curb or something stupid. A worthwhile death sounds courageous to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. The reward of doing it outweighs the cost,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You go to give blood because &quot;it is the right thing to do&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You gain a sense of self worth and accomplishment by doing it that you wouldn't have if you hadn't, and that is obviously enough to give you the courage to do it. For your SO it is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe try increasing the reward to outweigh the cost to them. For example, offer to take them out to dinner if they go through with giving blood, or just come home for dinner if they do not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be seen as trying to be manipulative, because it is being manipulative, but isn't manipulating the fears of your SO what you are trying to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Something else is scarier than the thing you need to do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe this is why teenagers appear to fear less than older people. It is not that they are actually more courageous, they are actually more afraid of other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fear of failure, the fear of not fitting in, the fear of not being taken seriously, the fear there is no place for them in this big world they have suddenly discovered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These fears drive teenagers to do what others would see as stupid things. Poison themselves with copious amounts of alcoholic drink, jump from high places into swimming pools, revise for three weeks straight at the expense of eating, sleeping or washing so that they don't fail an exam.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible you could use this to help your SO gain courage, by finding something else they would fear more, and offer them a choice. They can come with you and do something amazing for one hour by donating blood that will save someones life one day, or you will have to go tandem bungee jumping (replace with something that would require courage from BOTH of you, as appropriate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if they do pick the &quot;scarier&quot; option, at least they will be demonstrating courage at something and this may rub off on to the other things they are afraid of. Again, this can be seen as manipulative, but hopefully they will be willing to pick the &quot;nicer&quot; option for your benefit, if not their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11194" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T11:52:47.267" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8970" CreationDate="2018-01-11T11:53:57.133" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it is important not to place accent on him, but on you and your common environment. Saying statements starting with &quot;I&quot; is a good psychological trick. You don't show him he's the fault, you are expressing your concerns. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, I am very sensitive to smells, and for me the cleanliness and nice air of the apartment we all live in is very important. I believe your training is very strenuous and creates a smell that can be washed off. I would be really glad if you respected our common environment and showered every time after training. Thanks!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not a perfect example, but once at work I had a manager whose habit was to approach me and discuss my tasks after he was smoking. I hate the smell of cigarettes, and I was a timid newcomer at the time, but at some point I still decided to just say to him: &quot;I'm sorry, but could you please come to me before you go smoking? I am really sensitive to smells.&quot;. He understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11147" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T11:53:57.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8994" CreationDate="2018-01-11T12:38:20.900" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's just about not having &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; part in the child's life, that would imply if you're allowed to have a part in the child's life, there wouldn't be a problem. Not intending to argue, just pointing out that this is something she might bring up if you mention &quot;no part&quot;, which could lead to frustration on both sides (unless the above possibility is something you might be okay with).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest bringing &lt;em&gt;how big&lt;/em&gt; a part you want to have instead, e.g.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am honoured to have been asked, but unfortunately I wouldn't feel comfortable having a child out there &lt;strong&gt;without being the one raising them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is much harder to argue against, because no matter how big a part you're given in their life, you still wouldn't be the one raising them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; bring up the possibility of you having some part in the child's life in response to this, to which this simple reply should be all that's needed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's just not the same, I still wouldn't be the one raising them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T12:44:12.697" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T12:44:12.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8994" CreationDate="2018-01-11T14:42:46.553" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;A different tack would be the damage to your working relationship / friendship that it could cause... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;While I'm flattered you asked, I've thought about it, and just thinking about it makes me a little uncomfortable. I'm worried that if I did acquiesce it would make our relationship equally uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T14:42:46.553" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9025" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-11T14:51:02.263" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a few fears that are &quot;inconvenient&quot;, and they line up with the ones you mentioned. For the most part, I can and do face them, I may be miserable as a result of the stress and anxiety they cause me, but I can do it if I must. With one notable exception. Needles, specifically blood draws. Not sure what your SO's reaction is like, but here is mine, it may help you to frame the phobia, and possibly temper your expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I have to get a blood test, a simple one vial pull, I will pass out cold. Happens every single time, and has since I was quite young. My blood pressure goes super low, and I pass out. Not dizzy, not anxious or uncomfortable, completely unconscious. I then get to wake up being totally disoriented having no idea where I am or why I am there, feeling nauseous, and shaky for the next few hours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is so bad that my Dr has to give me an injection a half hour before a blood draw to try and keep me conscious (he hasn't found the right dose yet, I still go out cold). I also have to hang around the office for an extra half hour, in case I pass out in the parking lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no defeating this one. I can get over the showing up, I can handle the 'poke', I never watch the draw, I focus on something other than the draw, but I have to accept that I will pass out, and a simple test that will take you less than 5 minutes, will be a four hour very unpleasant ordeal for me. I literally have to take a half day off work to get a simple cholesterol test. For whatever reason, it is a physiological response that I can't control. I do not understand it, but there it is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note, I hate needles, but injections don't have this impact on me, but draws do. The irony that I need a needle to handle getting a needle is not lost on me. The bitter irony is the extra needle has yet to help. Also, exposure to needles does not help. I have a diabetic pet and I handle more needles in a day than I care to think about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11203" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T14:51:02.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9026" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-11T15:22:23.520" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Identify the root of the problem.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the most important step. If &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't know the reason this is a problem, how could you expect your friends to understand? If you've already figured this out, then you've already overcome the hardest part of this process. But if you're reading this and you're saying to yourself, &quot;Because I just do,&quot; then it's time you took a serious look at &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Figure out your next steps if the issue is not resolved.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must consider your options if your attempts to get through to them don't work. How many times will you try? How many different methods will you employ? Should you still be friends? Decide what your limits are so that you know when enough is enough. If you don't do this from the start then you'll just corner yourself into a pit of despair when your attempts to resolve it don't work according to plan. The worst thing that can happen is that you sever a friendship with someone who doesn't respect you in the first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Talk to them individually.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friendship dynamics change in a group setting. Addressing this issue to your group of friends will only perpetuate their behavior. Schedule time to see each person one-by-one. Make it formal, but not overly serious. Let them know you need to confide in them. Perhaps invite them for a walk, for coffee, or some other brief activity. Don't beat around the bush and get to the point. Make them aware of the reason you called them to meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Isn't this coffee great? I love their lattes too. Hey, so listen,&#xA;  thanks for meeting me today, I really appreciate it. The reason I&#xA;  wanted to meet with you is because I wanted to get your help with an&#xA;  issue I've been having.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ever since I was a kid, I've always been uncomfortable with physical&#xA;  interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The reason for this is because...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Identify their role in the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I get a little freaked out when we're all hanging out together and you&#xA;  join in on the group hug. I'm OK with one or two of you guys, but when&#xA;  it's all seven of you I start to panic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ensure they understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you get where I'm coming from? Does that explain why I get upset&#xA;  after a huge group hug? &lt;em&gt;(If they say no):&lt;/em&gt; What can I help clarify for&#xA;  you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask for their &lt;em&gt;help&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anyway, could you help me? Next time when we're all hanging out&#xA;  together, could you not join in on the group hug? &lt;em&gt;(or:)&lt;/em&gt; Could you refrain from physically interacting with me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're truly your friend they'll respect you for talking to them one-on-one and likely apologize. If you're met with hesitation or resistance, then it's time to evaluate your options from step 2 and let them know what your actions will be if the issue isn't resolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11156" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T15:22:23.520" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-11T15:36:55.387" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't particularly like it when other people touch me, especially in the head.  My wife and kids (family I guess) are one thing but for any others it is uncomfortable and sparks a bit of irritation in me.  I actually have dealt with this using the following tactics:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I &lt;strong&gt;wear long sleeves or a jacket&lt;/strong&gt; except when the temperature is too warm, so that &lt;em&gt;I minimize the effect on me&lt;/em&gt;.  I know it does not solve the issue, but it does help &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; deal with it mentally.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Attempt to dodge/avoid the contact &lt;strong&gt;and let the person see&lt;/strong&gt; that you are trying to dodge the contact. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Each and every time&lt;/em&gt; someone touches me outside the norm (hand shake for example) I &lt;strong&gt;immediately&lt;/strong&gt; look them in the eye and say &lt;em&gt;please do not touch me&lt;/em&gt;.  The &lt;strong&gt;look&lt;/strong&gt; is as important as the &lt;strong&gt;words&lt;/strong&gt;.  You have to impress upon them you are serious.  This is achieved by &lt;strong&gt;the tone of your voice and the look in your eye&lt;/strong&gt; when you convey the message.  This needs to be done in a one on one scenario to have the most impact.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Beyond that, &lt;em&gt;if people do not get the point&lt;/em&gt;, you may have to start making your statement in a way that really get's their attention.  I am not suggesting you out right &lt;strong&gt;yell&lt;/strong&gt;, but you could use an even more stern look and a harsher tone in your voice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do these things, and your at work, this is &lt;strong&gt;one of the rare cases where I would go to HR&lt;/strong&gt; and ask them to help you.  Hands off at the workplace should be the norm.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this occurs in your personal life, then you may need to ditch the people who are too dense to get the impact of physical contact on you.  Of course I would expect close friends and family to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T12:56:51.617" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T12:56:51.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-11T15:39:35.253" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, a disclaimer: I am married to a psychologist, and have taken some psychology courses, but I am not myself a psychologist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, some definitions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;h3&gt;A fear is only a phobia if it is irrational&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being at least somewhat afraid of something genuinely dangerous isn’t a phobia; it’s good sense. A phobia is defined as being a fear out of proportion with its actual threat: everyone should be scared of falling if they are on unstable ground at the edge of a cliff, but a phobia of heights might still be scared standing several feet back on firm footing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;h3&gt;A fear is only a phobia if it is detrimental to someone’s life&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your SO would like to donate blood, but the phobia is holding him back, that’s a valid way in which the fear is detrimental to his life. Likewise, someone who is so afraid of heights that they cannot enter tall buildings (even safely inside) may have their life greatly interfered with by the fear (or may not, if they never have any particular need to go into a tall building).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s worth noting that the detrimental requirement means that the fear has to be pretty severe. Being uncomfortable around an edge, being disgusted by, say, irregular clusters of small holes (the purported &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trypophobia&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;“tryphophobia”&lt;/a&gt;), are things often mistaken for phobias but are not. Overcoming a phobia is a fairly involved process; it’s not really worth doing if you aren’t being harmed by the phobia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, an important statement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Phobias respond &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; well to treatment&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many, many answers on this page seem to suggest that overcoming a phobia is something that someone can only do for themselves, and the most anyone can do for them is to provide moral support. &lt;em&gt;This is not true.&lt;/em&gt; Therapy for overcoming phobias is extremely well-tested and has been demonstrated extremely effective; in fact, it may well be that there is &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt; that therapy works better on than phobias.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moral support is absolutely part of therapy; my wife refers to “unconditional positive regard” as a necessary thing she offers her clients (which is to say that, even if she pushes them or challenges them, she maintains an overall tone of respect no matter what—if for any reason she could no longer do so, that would be a reason for her to recommend the patient to someone else, though to my knowledge it hasn’t happened for her yet). So providing moral support still &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; good advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; therapy works without commitment from the patient. Therapists cannot magically fix anything; they can only help the patient fix things themselves (which is the kernel of truth in the various answers that say he has to fix things himself). A therapist can help greatly, but your SO has to be &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; committed to fixing it. A successful therapy in this regard will require him to be repeatedly pushed out of his comfort zone, and it can take a fair while to accomplish. It may also have monetary costs attached to it, which should always make someone question how much a thing is worth to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if your SO really feels seriously harmed by his fears, and wants to overcome them, that &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be done. My wife successfully helped someone get over a fear of needles, for example (in that case, in a nursing student—the detriment of that particular fear for that particular patient should be &lt;em&gt;particularly&lt;/em&gt; obvious!). Someone can absolutely do that for your SO. Look into therapy in your area; while insurance coverage for mental health is often lacking, you may have some, and even if not, it is not terribly uncommon to find affordable options for it (my wife’s clinic works on a “sliding scale” payment scheme that discounts those who cannot pay, for example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that therapy is very much a personal choice (barring something far more extreme than a simple phobia), and also very much a personal commitment from the patient. You might suggest therapy or point out its effectiveness, but you absolutely should not in any way force or push therapy onto your SO. Maybe he’s ready to make that commitment, maybe he’s not. Maybe he never will be, or simply doesn’t consider the phobia sufficiently detrimental to bother overcoming it. That is absolutely his call, and you should respect it (again, barring something far more serious than described).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, of course, therapy is definitely not &lt;em&gt;required&lt;/em&gt; to overcome fears. Your SO &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; go it alone—and may very well succeed alone, if he’s committed. But I would &lt;strong&gt;strongly&lt;/strong&gt; caution against attempting to provide that kind of therapy yourself—even if you were trained to do it. Much of therapy for phobias revolves around gradual exposure to the fear—and generally has to go “one step beyond” what a normal person would be comfortable (to prove that “normal” behavior isn’t that scary/can be handled by doing something even people without the phobia would be uncomfortable with). That means the therapist has to be a little tough on the patient, pushing them outside their comfort zone (in a gradual, controlled way). And a therapist–patient relationship is a very specific one that has a whole lot of special facets to it both to facilitate the therapy and to maintain professionalism and appropriate authority to the therapist. The long and short of it is that your therapist is not your friend—and &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; not your significant other. Attempting to mix the two relationship dynamics is fraught with problems, and can easily damage both the effectiveness of the therapy &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2667" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T15:53:39.290" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-11T15:51:37.663" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The important thing is getting other people to understand that you are not fine with people touching you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If explaining your point of view isn't working, another approach is to make them feel uncomfortable when they do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually simply stare at them  with a serious face for a while and then ask them not to do it again :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not really keen on physical contact, please don't do this again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there isn't a single way to get people to take you seriously on a specific point. This will depend a lot on who you are dealing with. If you don't really know how to react, a last resort could be to ask them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could please tell me what is it I should do, to have you take me seriously when I tell you that I don't enjoy you touching me ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T15:51:37.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9032" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-11T15:52:53.967" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had similar problems for a long time. In college some of my friends thought my reactions were hilarious and would do the same &quot;time for a group hug!!&quot; things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last major incident I recall was at lunch one day. I was sitting between two friends (which already made me slightly uncomfortable) and they decided it would be funny to slowly inch closer to me, boxing me in. I made my discomfort clear (I mean vocally, I could hardly help the body language). But they didn't stop until I started to wriggle down in my seat to escape under the table -- at which point I think they realized I was seriously not in on the joke. They apologized and left me personal space because they'd rather have my company at lunch than see my &quot;funny&quot; reactions to being poked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think your best option here is to &lt;strong&gt;escalate your reactions&lt;/strong&gt;. This doesn't mean being physically violent or shouting at them, but setting a clear boundary and enforcing consequences when it is crossed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you have already explained your boundary, now you need to put action behind it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they try to group hug you, for instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get out of the hug&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Restate your boundary (&quot;I told you not to hug me.&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Leave&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put physical distance and barriers between you and the offenders until (if) you are ready to give them another chance. Repeat as necessary. And if you are tired of repeating, don't hang out with them any more! Don't give them the opportunity to violate your boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't avoid them, such as coworkers, protect yourself with barriers. Place a chair between you, keep your back to a wall, carry something so you won't be expected to hug, etc. Don't be afraid to enlist people who understand and respect your boundaries as well, who may be able to intervene and keep the other person in line. In a workplace, you could also consider involving your boss or HR to talk to repeat offenders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T15:00:57.237" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T15:00:57.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-11T18:04:53.630" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's recap&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They touch you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You explain to them, that you don't want to be touched&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They touch you nonetheless, even thinking it was funny&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So they are&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ignoring your wishes, although you made them explicit&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;violate your boundaries&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;invade your personal space&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They are disrespecting you&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest the following way of escalating your reactions, as you may not always want to leave or are able to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make explicit what they are doing and ask them, why they are doing it and why they are doing it to you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a nutshell: &lt;strong&gt;Take them to task&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to adjust your tone of voice accordingly - be stern, no need to yell. On the contrary, no need to become loud at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reiterate that you already told them. &lt;em&gt;Didn't I already ask you politely to stop touching me?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask them, why they are still doing it. &lt;em&gt;Why are you still ignoring my wish?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask them why &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are their target. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask them, why they believe it's acceptable to violate &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; boundaries. (You can additionally ask if they would appreciate people violating their boundaries).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;By asking questions, they do not remain &lt;em&gt;passive&lt;/em&gt; recipients of your reaction. They are being challenged to explain themselves. The outcome may actually be positive and it gives them a chance to apologize.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Now they have to come up with an explanation. Every explanation can very well present you further targets for subsequent questioning. After all, what they are doing &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; unacceptable and so it is hard to give a satisfactory answer. For sure, no answer can then be met by a question about why they can't explain or give you an explanation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are already singling you out by their behavior. Stressing how they are doing it to &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; makes it explicit and opens up possibilities of asking why they disrespect &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;. They may think it was funny, but now you two are the center of attention and they have to explain what makes &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; their preferred target. Make clear that it is not about some abstract situation where person A ignores person B's boundaries - it's about you and, I don't know, &quot;Heinrich&quot; (?). You are no children anymore, so having to explain in public why you are disrespecting someone is probably not a funny experience for anybody (even someone who doesn't sympathize with you could probably imagine becoming their target, too.).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The situation is not yet out of control, but people become aware that the chocolate ice cream may hit the fan any time. This makes the situation uncomfortable for everyone around and encourages them to intevene. It's not yet too late to return to normalcy, although maybe not for Heinrich. They are also encouraged to stop that behavior to not let the situation escalate again. If the situation calms down afterwards, do so, too. They will then learn their lesson - if the ytreat you with respect, everything is fine, if not, you will interrogate them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You keep other possibilities to deal with them open, so the approach is flexible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The questions can be phrased more pointedly by directly asking them whether they assume this or that about you. From something like &quot;So you think I deserve no respect?&quot; up to something worse (&quot;Do you think I'm a Weisswurst?&quot;). This way, you are flexible about the aggressivity of your message. If they try to deflect, they are seen as agreeing, i. e. insultig you. You are not insulting them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you may wonder what to do, if Heinrich actually answers your question why they target you specifically. If the reason they give is &quot;not nice&quot;, this would be such a social faux-pas, that a decent person should see who the culprit is and who isn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T06:50:58.953" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T06:50:58.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9036" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-11T18:17:20.033" Score="13" ViewCount="1241" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have been married for over 10 years, and I have gradually come to realize that she often shows poor judgement based on personal feelings about a person rather than factual information.  Here are some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A financial advisor hurt her feelings, so she often makes poor financial decisions such as not paying her credit cards every month and borrowing against her retirement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She had a cyberstalker that, rather than ignoring/reporting/blocking, she chose to engage and confront the person (making the situation more dangerous) because someone who gave her advice about the issue made her feel scared about what could happen.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Repeatedly breaks phones/computers/appliances because she refuses to read the instructions and feels like anyone offering her help is &quot;talking down to her.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A mechanic criticized her for not taking care of her car properly, so she doubled down to the point of even running out of gas and getting stranded several times.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Getting lost and robbed in a foreign country because she refused to follow the directions of a friend she got into an argument with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is that she is very well educated (2 Master's degrees) and successful (prestigious upper management position).  She can even repeat sound advice to her friends and family, but when it comes time for her to follow the same advice, she seems to automatically associate the information with her feelings about the person who presented the advice and reacts in an emotional way, rather than based on the factual merit of said advice.  If she has a negative view of the person giving the advice, she will ignore/do the opposite.  If another person attempts to provide the same/similar advice, regardless of how it is presented, she will typically react based on her perceptions of the first person who presented the topic, rather than subsequent information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried to bring this topic up with her and point out that this behavior (which she recognizes as harmful after-the-fact) has led to her not only making life choices she ultimately regrets, but has also put herself or family members in physical danger.  Unfortunately, this is ultimately counterproductive because then she is angry at me and typically this makes these behaviors worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate the importance of being self-aware of this reaction and putting checks on it without making the situation worse?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11204" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T12:53:15.303" Title="How should I communicate with someone who ignores sound advice from people who make her feel bad" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9036" CreationDate="2018-01-11T18:45:08.913" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it were a friend, I'd say one thing.  Given that this is your wife, with whom you are committed over the long haul, options dwindle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, she needs to want to make the change.  If she doesn't want to, anything you do will merely exacerbate the issue.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it were a friend, I'd say &quot;let them keep learning lessons the hard way; eventually they'll come to their senses.  Or they'll be alone, having chased away all their friends.&quot;  I think that the most indicative point is reading instructions - it's hard to have feelings about the people who write them.  Unfortunately, it appears to me that ego is the largest problem here and not feelings about the deliverer of the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she engages with you about instructions/advice, I'd ask &quot;how do you feel about the person who told you that?&quot;  Then I'd start asking questions.  &quot;What do you plan on doing?  What do you think will logically happen if you do that?  What do you think will be the outcome if you don't do that?  What effect will that have on this person?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I think your relationship is going to suffer here.  Until she can make that separation of message from messenger, she's going to keep making bad decisions, which are going to affect you.  It sounds like money overall isn't a problem (upper management positions generally pay well, although expenses are also matchingly high) so the impact will more be to convenience and pride.  don't validate her actions - if she takes steps that lead to her car breaking down, don't allow her to toss blame on someone else.  If she breaks a phone, don't let her blame it on crappy construction.  she needs to realize that she took actions and these have consequences.  Validating this particular view only makes things harder on you and increases the dysfunction over the long haul.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd avoid staying away from &quot;so-and-so told you about this.&quot;  She already knows that something unpleasant happened; this will only add fuel to the fire. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit in response to @AndreiRom: It's going to take some deft maneuvering on your part while she learns these hard lessons.  If she won't accept responsibility for her choices, you're the closest one and therefore stand the greatest chance of being the party being blamed.   Your challenge will be to not accept blame while not engaging in fights with her over this.  If, on the other hand, she insists on blaming everyone around her for her actions, you're going to have to evaluate how to stay in this relationship, which most likely would involve counseling.  Being the ongoing object of blame is not a pleasurable experience.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-28T12:53:15.303" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T12:53:15.303" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-11T19:17:19.560" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your edit provides background which I can use to offer some &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; generalized advice.  The specific advice you've been given in the other answers is great.  However, my own experiences suggests that there's value in being able to approach these things &quot;in your own way.&quot;  For that, it can be helpful to have an over-generalized viewpoint within which you can tailor your approach to the two of you (especially tailor it to him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about what the fear response means.  It means that you've received some sort of stimulus which your mind recognizes as a sign that something really really dangerous and unpredictable is nearby.  It drives you to be &quot;elsewhere,&quot; which is pretty much anywhere but the current situation.  I think anyone who has had fears can agree that this is an effective model of what the fear response is, even if it's a bit overgeneralized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't have fear responses for nothing.  We have &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; reason why our minds have chosen to have this rather uncontrollable urge nestled into our psyche.  Sometimes its genetic, sometimes it's learned.  Sometimes it's foolish, and other times it's a lifesaver.  If we want to get over the fear, we have to basically convince our own minds that it's okay to let go of this fear response.  Unfortunately, our minds are rarely logical, and often don't even respond to cajoling.  If we want to get over fears, we have to do it on the mind's terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One approach is mentioned by trichetriche in a comment: if you give a a toddler candy and dance while they receive a shot at the doctor's office, they will be too distracted to notice the shot.  And if they do notice, rewards afterwards can help.  However, these are one-off solutions.  If you're looking at doing this to solve multiple fears, you'll find that you don't really build up any momentum by this approach.  The hard phobias will remain hard, demanding incredible distractions and massive rewards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately, your edit provides the key words I was hoping to see:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But there is plenty of them, &lt;strong&gt;some that he wants to get rid of&lt;/strong&gt; and some that really annoys me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This wording tells me he has a positive desire -- a desire to &lt;em&gt;seek&lt;/em&gt; the ability to get rid of the fears.  This can be contrasted with the negative fears themselves -- a desire to &lt;em&gt;flee&lt;/em&gt; a situation.  We can work with positive desires differently than we work with negative ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I'd like to suggest a different positive desire to him.  In addition to having the desire to get rid of the phobias, I'd recommend a desire to &lt;em&gt;face&lt;/em&gt; them.  There is a subtle but useful difference: a desire to get rid of them only succeeds when you vanquish a phobia.  A desire to face them succeeds every single time you face one.  This desire can coexist with the desire to vanquish the fears, and indeed the two desires feed off each other.  But framing a desire that succeeds every time it faces a fear is a useful thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend developing the ability to get close to a phobia &lt;em&gt;without feeling like he is directly fighting the phobia&lt;/em&gt;.  You're not trying to crush the phobia outright.  You're trying to develop a desire to get in there and grin wickedly at that phobia, saying &quot;c'mon, hit me with your best shot.&quot;  This can take time.  He shouldn't go right up to the spider enclosure at the zoo and hold himself rigidly there until the fear wins and he runs away.  Maybe just hang out in the room with the spider enclosure, looking for the fear, feeling what it is &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; doing, and embracing what it does as a source of energy.  Step away from the spiders not when the fear force him away, but when the desire to face the fears starts to say, &quot;I don't think I'm gaining ground anymore... let's face this fight another day.&quot;  If his awareness drifts from the fear response itself and starts focusing on the object of the fear, it's probably a good time to meander away, having already learned lessons through this awareness.  If the fear response starts to feel blunted, and lacks nuance, give it a rest.  He has time to face it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your part in this job?  Give him the confidence that you are there to help him face his fears.  Give him the confidence that you're not going to force him to vanquish the fears, but at the same time, he can rely on you to stand strong with him while he's facing them.  It's a balance, and it will take time.  Make sure you remember to enjoy the journey along the way, rather than focusing on an end objective like overcoming fears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time, he can learn to respond to his own fear response, and make a decision whether he wants to grin at it and dance a Tango with that fear, or whether that fear is a just and right response and it's time to get the heck out.  Then he has &lt;em&gt;control&lt;/em&gt; over this fear, and can use it for good (rather than simply obliterating the fear, in which case you can't use it for anything).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And eventually, he'll find that many of those fears give up the ghost.  The little fears may be conquered this way.  But more importantly, the &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; he conquers them gives him the strength to start facing the big fears, the ones that he might be facing the rest of his life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its a very generalized approach, intentionally providing more questions than answers.  Use the other approaches to fill it in.  Use your combined history to fill it in, customized to you guys.  But the big takeaway is that facing your demons does not mean you overcome and vanquish them.  It means you can stare them right in the face, with a cat-about-to-eat-canary grin that makes your demons rethink whether its a good idea to strike out against or not!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/8U7EL.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/8U7EL.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Face your Demons&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T19:17:19.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-11T19:20:29.477" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;For people reading this with similar issues, if it's a new person (you just met), one way to handle this from the beginning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: Great meeting you.  I'm not a big fan of physical contact, so that's why I don't shake hands/hug/ect.  I use [alternative - like a big smile] instead and it was great meeting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's polite and honest and can be done as early as you meet someone, even if you initiated the conversation.  The person also won't feel hurt, as you're upfront in the beginning.  Some people won't care, as they wouldn't initiate contact anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what about people who know you a little or more?  The OP wrote:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've tried explaining several times that I don't like to be touched&#xA;  and that it causes me great discomfort, but to very little effect.&#xA;  Many of my acquaintances just don't take it seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Short of throwing them across the room or having a mental breakdown in&#xA;  front of them, how do I convince them it's serious and I actually&#xA;  really don't want to be touched and am not just saying that? Is there&#xA;  any specific way I can phrase that request to convey I'm dead serious?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends on the context.  In a work environment, this might be construed as harassment.  &lt;strong&gt;As a warning to readers, not respecting someone's physical boundaries at work is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; inappropriate!&lt;/strong&gt;  You can try to gently remind them of this - if it's a work environment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;:  I'm not one to run to HR, but I just want to remind you that I dislike physical contact.  I'm not going to go to HR, as I know you&#xA;  forgot this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a friendly warning.  In some contexts, this would work in school too - though replace HR with the appropriate dean.  Especially if there are medical reasons for this, a person violating your personal boundaries is a big issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In optional social contexts?  These are optional.  People may be physical even if you don't like it, and unless you're the host or owner in the situation, you may not be able to do much, other than reduce your time with the people.  Also, if you really like spending time with people in an optional setting and they like being physical, do you see the problem?  By fighting them with them on this, they may not want to spend time anymore.  If you've already made your feelings clear, if it's not a context you can dispute, you can exit the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11214" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T19:20:29.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9040" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9058" CreationDate="2018-01-11T19:54:14.313" Score="49" ViewCount="13336" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been freelancing for 8 years and have never had a problem with a client like this one. I take a lot of pride in my work and take a lot of care to ensure that the client and I are on the same page and there are clear expectations regarding the project. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last year I took on a client who is, frankly, disrespectful. He has not shown up for an appointment in three months, demands meeting times at all hours and seems to have a disregard for any professional opinion I give. When he messages me in the night I only get them the next morning and I remind him of my availability hours and encourage him to set a meeting time. He never pitches so I haven't had a meeting with him in 3 months. I have coped to some extent with one-line emails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am at my wit's end. I care a lot about my work and have worked really hard on this project for him and am starting to feel really discouraged. I want him to be happy with the work I do and I don't know what to do with such a disrespectful client. I don't know how to earn his respect. It seems like no matter what I do, it's not good enough. This project still has a couple more months (potentially longer) to go and I really want to figure out how to salvage the situation. If I bail now it will really set things back for him. I don't really want to burn bridges and leave midway but I honestly am really discouraged and just want to throw in the towel at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I hope it's not the case, it is necessary to mention that I'm a woman engineer and he may not be used to working with woman engineers. That may be a factor here. I hope not. Maybe he's just disrespectful to everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I've had clients before who aren't sure about hiring a lady engineer an it usually takes a couple of meetings for me to earn their respect and establish a good relationship. I thought this would be the case here but it just seems like it's not happening).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I salvage the situation and earn his respect before I just throw in the towel and bail on this project midway?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2020-03-30T14:16:53.053" Title="How do I deal with a client who doesn't respect me?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9041" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9040" CreationDate="2018-01-11T20:08:27.250" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I don't think this is a gender issue, I also don't think there's anything left to salvage here. It sounds like you're dealing with a first rate a-hole, and nothing good can come from continuing to associate with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're the subject matter expert, and your time is valuable. When a client treats you in this manner, it's best to cut the relationship ASAP. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not desperate for the money, kick this guy to the curb. Don't back down from stating why you're doing so either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your time has been wasted.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Boundaries are not being respected (contacting you during business hours, etc.).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Poor communication (which leads to frustration, wasted effort, etc.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that if you don't act like your time is valuable, neither will these people. What I mean by that is that if a customer books a meeting, but doesn't show up, thus wasting your time, you should charge them for it, or at least hold them to account. If they fear no penalties for wasting your time, then the logical conclusion (for them) is that they can safely disregard you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future you may wish to include clauses in your contract regarding this behavior. For example, a clause about answering emails in the middle of the night. You'll do it, but charge them a mint. Or an automatic charge for no-shows to meetings. You can ask for more advice on that topic on other stack exchange sites.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T20:16:31.307" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T20:16:31.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9042" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9043" CreationDate="2018-01-11T20:17:48.493" Score="175" ViewCount="33768" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a rather common problem for people in my field of study (computer science). The problem is this: People, especially relatives, ask you stuff about their computer-related problems, for example: &quot;What kind of anti-virus program should I install?&quot; or the much more frequently asked &quot;Can you cleanup my PC?&quot; one. I really dislike such questions, because they have nothing to do with what I study or what I will do for a living in my career later on. Also, it sucks that some family members or even my landlord assume I can help them just because I study computer science.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels like others are totally ignorant and just assume you are a genius and know everything about anything related to something about &quot;computers&quot;, regardless of what it is. This gets especially interesting if you get questions about rather exotic programs that you have never even seen yourself beforehand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that I get such questions bothers me a lot, as it is assumed that I can help to fix their problems, regardless of what I have or want to do. Also, I feel isolated as a &quot;geeky&quot; person, a weirdo, by asking me such things without talking to me about anything else. It feels like what I do is a minor thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So: How can I fix this? My targets are these:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell those people, who expect me to help them with their totally random problems, that I'm not their personal technical support for their printer or whatever&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do 1) without hurting their feelings a lot, I'd rather tell them that I'm just not competent enough to fix their problems, however, this is not an option due to my field of study. (Note: I already tried this and it was ignored, because &quot;I know that, because I study computer science&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Still have them feel like I'm a helpful person, but not a magician&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11216" LastEditorUserId="4177" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T06:46:55.333" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T06:46:55.333" Title="How to tell people I'm not their tech support?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="29" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9043" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-11T20:30:54.017" Score="175" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a computer scientist myself, here are the avenues I have taken:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asked to fix a Bluray player at a holiday gathering...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I can look, but your guess is as good as mine. I know how to write software, not fix hardware.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asked opinions on software I know nothing about...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah... I know nothing about this. I would try looking for reviews on CNet &lt;em&gt;(or another source you can provide for them)&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asked to fix the &quot;thing that the computer is doing&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I can barely fix my own computer. I can look at it and see if it's something I've seen before, but you might have to take it to a professional.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What all of these answers have in common is that you admit you probably aren't going to have an answer for them, but you &lt;strong&gt;provide them with somewhere to go next to find help&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a computer scientist, you've probably noticed that we Google things... a lot (and usually end up on StackOverflow, for that matter).  We generally have a good idea of where we &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; find answers on the internet - because we do it so often! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Providing your friends and family with information of where they &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be looking maintains your ability to &lt;strong&gt;still sound helpful and supportive, while training them to be sufficient in finding this info for themselves&lt;/strong&gt;, without depending on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, not teaching them how to find the info themselves (saying &quot;I can't help, sorry&quot;) will likely leave them feeling like you DO know the answer and just don't want to help (because in their minds you know it all)! This is why walking through the exercise just a few times with them is worth the taken time, even if it's still a but frustrating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they keep asking you, remind them: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Remember what we did last time you had a question like this? I'd try that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plus, in the words of good ole Einstein:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Intelligence is not the ability to store information, but to know where to find it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T13:46:27.097" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T13:46:27.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9036" CreationDate="2018-01-11T20:42:57.253" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're not going to change them if they don't want to change. If they're not receptive to criticism or advice don't give them criticism or advice. They're an adult and can make their own poor choices. They're still responsible for the consequences, and Unfortunately you're married to them and their self sabotaging behavior affects you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Practice saying &quot;We all make choices....&quot;. It's a great phrase that makes no judgement about the act but clearly dictates who is responsible for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do need to talk to them, talk to them about specific behaviors you are concerned about. Not this overarching issue of them ignoring advice. Don't blame them. Use I statements. Let them know that their actions are having affects on others and ask them to work with you to resolve the issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T20:42:57.253" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-11T20:43:55.343" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a young professional software engineer, I know exactly what you're talking about. Even though my job is planning, structuring, creating, and maintaining digital software products, my family and friends always come to me with any problems related to any electronic device.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... and honestly, I normally have an answer. It's unfortunate, but that's the way it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when I know the answer, I help, because I enjoy helping. If you actually want to feel helpful, always respond with answers that you can immediately come up with. Some times I literally just read them a Google Search Result. No big deal. I'm way better at finding relevant info than most of my family, so I don't mind doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important part is knowing when to say no. And that's when fulfilling their request is inconvenient for you or you don't really know. For example, I suck at using printers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone asks me a question about them, for example, I say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I honestly have no idea. I don't have much experience in [Topic X]. You can probably figure it out with some online research. In fact, I've never even done anything with [Topic X]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This normally reminds my family that I don't know everything about all things electronic. If they don't believe you, reassert your position, and just say that if you could truly help, you would. For example, I'll literally tell people that I cannot make printers work, because I have no idea how to troubleshoot them. I almost never use them, either, as I don't own one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if the problem is inconvenient:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, this issue requires more time than I have, and I'm not really an expert on it anyway. You might have to consult with someone who knows more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, if they don't believe you, reassert your position. You're not lying. Some people, I understand, may be difficult. You, however, cannot fix that and their feelings being hurt really isn't caused by you at all in such a circumstance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope that helps. Like I said, if your family can't understand you not knowing something or don't believe you, that's a deeper issue that you simply can't control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T00:09:06.907" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T00:09:06.907" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9040" CreationDate="2018-01-11T20:59:09.810" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people tend to think that because they hired someone, they are the boss of that person for the duration of the project. I've done freelance development myself, and the customers often feel more entitled than they should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate to say it, but it's unlikely you'll earn his respect. Period. Don't make that your goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, you need to decide if you can give up this project. It seems like you can, as you're considering it. If you can't, for financial or career reasons, you'll have to painfully endure it (and be sure to prepare next time to avoid such clients).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you've decided you can afford to lose his business, you need to make a stand. You don't need to earn his respect nor quit on him, but you can mitigate the problematic areas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;About His Behavior&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Set up a meeting with him and lay down some new rules, strictly. Here are some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I will not communicate with you outside of my business hours. I normally allow flexibility but it is not working between us&lt;/strong&gt; (don't start an argument about why you're enforcing this rule, just state that your normal procedure isn't working, and resist any inquiries as to why).&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Note: you can also charge him for outside of business hours communication.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You will be charged for all meetings that you do not show up to without [insert strict notice guideline here]&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, you're not obligated to make these universal rules. You can just make them for this one particular client. You have leverage here, and you can use it ethically when a customer is abusing your generous guidelines. Just try to use it as a last resort, because no one likes the rules being changed on them. You can also state that your flexibility is a privilege not to be abused, to make it clear to potential future clients.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;About His Attitude&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also address his attitude, if it is a serious problem. I would start very professionally, saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you are not completely satisfied with the work, can we communicate an effective strategy for identifying specific problem areas and planning out a solution?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he insists on being disrespectful and unprofessional, your options will come down to leaving or threatening to leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would personally suggest against threatening to leave if his attitude doesn't improve. If he agrees to this, I would not expect him to keep his word, or at the very least be extremely passive aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way people like this learn is when their 3rd or 4th contractor drops them as a client. You probably aren't the person to sway him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-11T23:27:55.930" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T23:27:55.930" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9040" CreationDate="2018-01-11T21:28:36.077" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;His respect is not a requirement. He is not likely to change. Don't judge yourself by what he thinks or you or how he treats you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are getting paid and you think you can deliver the product then make a business decision.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not meeting with you results in billing more hours then that is more income for you.  Tell him you are not as effective if you cannot meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he crosses the line to rude / abusive then tell him you will not tolerate that behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need his respect to move forward then I see no solution.  You cannot demand his respect but you can cash his check.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T21:28:36.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9048" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8377" CreationDate="2018-01-11T21:33:31.120" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had similar issues in the past, and I've known a few people who have a similar issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I've done, and what I've seen other people do, is offer a fist-bump instead. It signals &quot;I'd like to do something like a handshake, I recognize it's important, but I can't do a handshake - I'd like to offer this alternative.&quot; Usually gets accepted without it being brought up later, or the other party acting offended. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11219" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T21:33:31.120" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-11T22:07:06.003" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;Welcome to IT!  I know of mainframe operators, DBAs, and other IT specialists who get bombarded with this kind of question all the time.  Much like doctors, lawyers, etc., we tend to be seen as some kind of altruists who love nothing more than helping people with their problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, &quot;sorry, that's not my field of expertise&quot; is a good response. Also, I've used &quot;That's sounds like a Desktop Engineering problem; I specialize in [x] - I call the Desktop Engineering folks myself when I need help.&quot;  I've also used with my family &quot;Sorry, I don't do tech support.  I do this all day long at work already and don't have any desire to do it on my off time.&quot;  When someone gets insistent (if it's family), I'll add, &quot;So, do you want to come to my house and do your job for free for a couple hours?  Because that's what you're asking me to do.&quot;  Obviously that's a little hard to use with non-family, so I don't recommend it there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend learning of a local company that does support, such as Geek Squad.  There are lots of others as well.  I'm at the point in my career where I can honestly say &quot;it's been a long time since I did anything like that; you're way better off calling Geek Squad.  Yes, it'll cost some money, but you're dealing with people who do that full time.  I don't even do it part-time, so you're much better off with them.  Now, if you want software installed on 15,000 devices, give me a call.  I can give you my consulting rate and we can talk about how to get your enterprise set up for that and save you a couple million dollars.&quot;  That gives them a place to go and establishes that you do something very different than what they're asking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS.  These questions never go away, sorry. It's part of the IT magic.  :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T22:07:06.003" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9051" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-11T22:08:38.047" Score="20" ViewCount="8685" Body="&lt;p&gt;The situation: I had been involved for several years in a group my child participates in and I was put in charge of a subgroup. Realizing I needed more adult assistance, I asked for help from an acquaintance who is the parent of one of my child's school friends who is also involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, it turned out that this other adult and I couldn't agree on anything. At every single event the other adult criticized me in front of the youth. He also often usurped authority and took over running the events, even though it became apparent that he didn't know what he was doing. At other times he failed to attend, even though he had promised to be there. Outside of our events he would criticize me for things not going well. He also failed to complete required paperwork, but accused me of nagging him when I reminded him that it needed to be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On multiple occasions I tried to discuss things with him outside the events, both face-to-face and by email. He always denied that his behavior was inappropriate and pointed the finger at me for all our interpersonal problems as well as the problems in our subgroup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hindsight being 20/20, I should have told this person that his &quot;assistance&quot; was no longer desired at an early stage. However, I continued to let him participate. This led to ongoing anger and bickering between us during events, and eventually a &quot;blow up&quot; in the middle of an event, when I finally told him that I didn't want his help any more. Fortunately, the youth participants were otherwise occupied and were unaware of what happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize my reactions to his behavior were poor. Generally, I think it is best to apologize when that's the case. However, in this circumstance I find it impossible to formulate an apology that would be sincere without saying something like &quot;I am sorry for my reactions to your poor behavior.&quot; - which would probably not be well received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how should one apologize in a situation like this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;  The events described above actually happened a few months ago. Initially I made a few gestures to improve the situation without apologizing (e.g. sending memorabilia from our events to him, trying to say &quot;Hi&quot; when we crossed paths). At this point, the other person won't even acknowledge me, even in situations where that makes things extremely awkward. I have no interest in a friendship with this person and there is no chance that we will be volunteering together in this group in the future. While there is a bit of a &quot;I should apologize&quot; thought in my head, there is also the expectation that he would try to use an apology against me (he filed a complaint against me with the group after the &quot;blow up&quot; - the finding of the investigation was - as I initially stated - we were both in the wrong). The main practical reason for an apology would be to avoid this awkwardness, since we are sure to continue crossing paths for at least the next couple years (while our children are at the same school).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7376" LastEditorUserId="7376" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T18:15:58.373" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T16:26:45.250" Title="How should someone apologize when both parties were wrong?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9051" CreationDate="2018-01-11T22:36:20.363" Score="48" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should someone apologize when both parties were wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply put, by apologizing for the wrong that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; did. A sincere apology does not come with strings attached, and isn't a chance to sling one last barb.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I realize my reactions to his behavior were poor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's great self-awareness! So apologize for your behavior, and leave his out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob, I'm sorry that I snapped at you the other day. I shouldn't have raised my voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's all you need to say - anything further about &quot;... because you were yelling at me&quot; just sounds like you're trying to justify your behavior after all, turning it into a non-apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an ideal world, Bob would hear your apology and think &quot;hm, maybe I should apologize for raising my voice too&quot;. In a non-ideal world, Bob might not. Bob might just say &quot;About time you apologized! So like I was saying, we should order our hats from Acme Co...&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for either response before you offer the apology. Being able to gracefully accept the latter is how you know you're sincerely apologizing, without expecting anything in return. (This is what people mean when they say to &lt;strong&gt;be the bigger person.&lt;/strong&gt;) If he does respond with arrogance, know that it says far more about him than it does about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're certainly justified in declining to work with such a person any further, but I still recommend against going into the apology with expectations - it only adds the risk of you being disappointed and making bad feelings worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T14:25:12.387" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T14:25:12.387" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9051" CreationDate="2018-01-11T22:44:23.417" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are responsible for your part of being wrong - if you apologize and make it contingent upon the other person to also apologize then it is not an apology as much as a coercion to apologize.  If you feel you shared some portion of blame sincerely apologize for that.  The most important thing is to focus on where you felt you were wrong (if you weren't wrong, no need to apologize).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also prudent to call out differences in approach and as you said :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hindsight being 20/20, I should have told this person that his &quot;assistance&quot; was no longer desired. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is important to remember the next time you find yourself in a similar situation - rather than wanting everyone to be okay with everyone else and to all own their representative share of the blame, it's often better to extricate yourself from the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person does not apologize just leave it at that and move on - an apology is a gift to yourself to let you move on - you shouldn't have to receive an apology for that - it's on them whether they want to acknowledge their responsibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6236" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T22:44:23.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9051" CreationDate="2018-01-11T22:58:55.730" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you should not apologize. Or at least not say the words.&#xA;The two of you were having different visions. There is no right and wrong, even though you might feel so. Even when you feel that his irresponsible behavior could have killed some kids. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you've already blown up. What has happened has happened. Sometimes this happens, and it may actually help him realize his behavior might be not so good after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would lower my faith in the guy and reduce the responsibilities I give to him. As you get older you come to realize you can't be friends with everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE (comments):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This was criticizing and arguing in front of the kids, as well as undercutting authority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would be best to calmly disagree. Share the values you hold and give valid arguments of why that would be better. Try seeking a compromise. Try to use a positive a framing &lt;code&gt;&quot;I like that idea.&quot;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;they could have come away with serious injuries (broken bones) from what he was teaching - which is part of why I said he didn't know what he was doing. –&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying &lt;code&gt;&quot;you don't know what you're doing&quot;&lt;/code&gt; has a good chance to elicit &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactance_(psychology)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;reactance&lt;/a&gt; in the guy. He might feel like it is an attack on his ego. It would be better to say something like: &lt;code&gt;I think it is better when...&lt;/code&gt;. It is your 1. personal opinion, he can disagree, and 2. it focusses on improvement instead of wrongdoings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastEditorUserId="10928" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T15:32:20.767" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T15:32:20.767" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-11T23:18:29.353" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although it may come off as rude, my method has been quite successful at nipping it in the bud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an excerpt from a conversation I had with a relative, who is a teacher:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I could solve your problem in 2 minutes, I would love to help.  Unfortunately, your problem requires hours of effort and thus, stress.  Outside of my working hours I enjoy my downtime (watching movies, having a drink, etc.) which is so precious to me.  I am open to exchanging favors (bartering) if your have services to offer that (1) I need and (2) are of equal market value.  For example, I would love to exchange tech support in exchange for you tutoring my children this Summer, or perhaps an expensive bottle of Scotch of my choosing.  Now because you are family, I am prepared to give free verbal advice every Friday after work. If I am still of sound mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11223" LastEditorDisplayName="user11223" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T19:43:51.897" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T19:43:51.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9040" CreationDate="2018-01-11T23:20:51.590" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Email is a non-real-time medium, usually 24-48 hours for a response a normal. Why do you think you have to answer at night? Maybe it's just convenient for him because he is awake anyway, feeding a baby every two hours or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you get all the information you need to perform your tasks? If yes, I wouldn't worry too much about his quirks. If he demands a meeting at a time you don't like, just say you are sorry and already have something scheduled there, another client maybe or yoga class or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11226" LastActivityDate="2018-01-11T23:20:51.590" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9040" CreationDate="2018-01-12T00:53:00.580" Score="92" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I ... earn his respect ...?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short and sweet: &lt;strong&gt;Don't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as he isn't outright rude, derogatory, mean, hostile, you name it - &lt;strong&gt;treat him with respect&lt;/strong&gt; to follow your ethics, and &lt;strong&gt;let him follow his&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not lecture, preach, teach manners. Chances are that he is behaving like this towards everybody, and it has &lt;strong&gt;nothing&lt;/strong&gt; to do with you, &lt;strong&gt;but with him&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a quote (source unknown to me) that I think could apply here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;I'd rather be rich than right&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned that I was able to be more successful and make more money than many of my competitors &lt;strong&gt;because I was able to work for difficult clients.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This became part of my portfolio, and of my reputation. This is a bonus skill I acquired that really gilds my expertise on the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here are a few thoughts on some selected portions of your question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When he messages me in the night I only get them the next morning and I remind him of my availability hours ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't remind or comment, just do not be available and communicate the bare facts the next morning, &lt;strong&gt;as if everything was totally normal&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he'd criticize you for not being available, tell him something like &quot;I am available now, let's talk.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he insists on talking at 3 a.m., tell him that you don't - &lt;strong&gt;or be available and bill him with a x% bonus&lt;/strong&gt; on top of your daytime fees (calculate that bonus so that it really makes it worthwhile for you to work at these hours, and sleep in on the following day), which - of course - you state in advance, but as a fact, not as a question, with total naturalness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If communication improves when talking at 3 a.m., propose only such times in the future. This might have the paradoxical effect of him asking for proposals at &quot;usual&quot; times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background story: I have been working with a client who would write long emails at 2:30 am and even later, but never during daytime. I found out that he was &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; busy during the day, slept for 3 hours between 10 pm and 1 am, got up and worked til 5 am, then went to sleep till 8 am, then went to work. He did that 7 days a week for the last 25 years. He was a very successful person and told me that virtually all of his successful ideas came to mind between 1 and 5 am, while during the day, he just did his routine-tasks. Our cooperation was no routine-task for him, and he didn't expect me to reply at 2:30 in the morning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... and seems to have a disregard for any professional opinion I give&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you come to this conclusion? What exactly is he doing or not doing that lets you know it is disrespect and not something else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It seems like no matter what I do, it's not good enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, how did you arrive at that conclusion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, it is vital to reflect your responses and interpretations when working with so-called &quot;difficult clients&quot; or &quot;clients from hell&quot;, as a business-partner used to call some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people do not communicate appreciation at all, some in ways that I would never have recognised as such. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to really understand in the beginning where the client wants to go. This is the basis for the contract. Seems that you did that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, one lady would always find and call at least 3 &quot;failures&quot; in the work I presented. When I outright asked her to rate the results I presented in relation to the goal she had communicated as basis for our contract in the beginning of our cooperation, on a scale from 1 (no progress towards goal) to 10 (full progress towards goal), she replied &quot;8 to 9&quot;, which was frankly more than I expected, because we were not there yet and there were future milestones to be accomplished. So I thanked her and when I asked why she criticised, she said &quot;Well, on the level on which we are playing, this is part of the game.&quot; &#xA;That helped me understand: I started to criticise her criticism, and she enjoyed that immensely. She reduced criticising my work to a point where she eventually stopped doing it completely, so I challenged her: &quot;Is there something wrong with my work, because I don't get the usual feedback from you any more?&quot; No more difficult client from that point onwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, ask to assess his idea of quality: &quot;How do you rate my work XYZ in relation to the goal blah blah blah from 10 = full success to 1 = zero success?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get a 3, thank him and ask what he thinks you should perform to be worth the money he is paying. If he says &quot;7&quot;, ask what needs to be done to get a 4, a 5, a 6 and a 7, a 9.&#xA;If you have such talks, bill them as &quot;performance review&quot; or something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He never pitches so I haven't had a meeting with him in 3 months. I have coped to some extent with one-line emails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fine... speak the language of your customer, they say... ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't provide information necessary to continue, just tell him that. Link it to his goal that you assessed in the beginning: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Are you still interested in having completed X by February 1st?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Yes, of course!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Good, please provide A, B, C no later than Z in order to make that happen.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;no answer until Z&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;As I didn't hear from you, I put X on hold, Please let me know how you wish to continue. In case you want some options to choose from, let me know as well.&#xA;To keep your slot open and have you on priority in relation to other clients while not working on X, I will charge a reduced rate of $M per day.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please feel free to comment, I'd appreciate it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this could be a client to learn from :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="9437" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T12:08:54.253" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T12:08:54.253" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9060" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9067" CreationDate="2018-01-12T02:24:40.473" Score="20" ViewCount="4074" Body="&lt;p&gt;So... I'm looking at trying to help my current partner (girlfriend) help overcome her emotions when we get in a little bit of a minor argument about random topics and she gets emotional about me getting angry at her etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already brought the topic up a few times when and after it has happened asking her what and why she's upset, and most of the time it's because she doesn't want me to be angry with her and leave her, in which case I reassure her of the opposite (I also jokingly say if I was angry with her I wouldn't be doing this to try and lift the mood, 90% of the time I get a chuckle from her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Scenario: Last night we finished up a LARP event and went to get food afterwards then headed off, we both drove ourselves so we weren't waiting on one another, she stayed and chatted to a few other tables while I went off and headed to our place (I didn't need to stay and be a part of a conversation I knew I wasn't involved in), when we got home she was worried that I left in an angry mood because I left earlier than she did, that she wanted to chat with her friends and assumed that me leaving was a &quot;let's go now&quot; (more context below) and that &quot;you can't stay here any longer, we're leaving&quot;, to which I informed her that it was the opposite and that's why we both take our own cars, so that if one of us leaves or has to go, the other can still stay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has mentioned in the past that her previous partners have been &quot;you must do this and only this, if I don't like it then you can't do it&quot;. I'm not a controlling person, we both have our times where we visit our individual mates, places and whatnot, but there are times we spend together, a healthy balance I think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been together almost 6 months now, and I would like to know what I can do to help her break the habit of how her previous partners were treating her, other than reassuring her every time she gets worried.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10013" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T10:55:01.653" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T10:55:01.653" Title="Tips on reassuring partner with bad experiences with previous partners" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;explaining&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9040" CreationDate="2018-01-12T02:28:45.060" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's only a couple months more, just finish the project and move on. If he wants to extend tell him that you have other obligations. Your client is the type that will likely smear your reputation and will try to cause as much damage to you as he can, for leaving mid project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my clients are unprofessional I usually leave the team about a week into project, if not I stay till the bitter end, or at least to some milestone, and I notify them beforehand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5505" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T02:28:45.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-12T02:36:35.647" Score="13" Body="&lt;h2&gt;With or without humor?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Buy or make a T-shirt that says &quot;No, I will not fix your computer&quot; Having a comment about how they can bribe you is optional. ^^&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jokes aside, as an actual IT guy, I have set rates for &quot;off-the-clock&quot; requests, and when anyone asks me to fix stuff that is outside of work-scope, I quote them my rates and indicate what times I can make appointments. I might offer a family/friend discount of some random very slight amount, but otherwise, they pay to play. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For those who do not specialize in &quot;fixing computers&quot;, I would suggest a simple, &quot;Sorry, I'm a specialist in 'x', I actually don't know how to fix computers.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7739" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T02:36:35.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-12T03:12:43.590" Score="11" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Turn it into evangelism&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not Windows based myself.  And I leverage that hard to dodge my way out of those kinds of tech support questions, which IME are almost always on Windows platforms.  And sorry to pick on Windows here, but this tactic works so darned well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right off the bat, I say I don't know much about Windows because I abandoned it years ago.  I just couldn't get it to work right, and I was spending too much of my day fighting Windows instead of doing the work I am there to do.  Since they themselves are having problems right now, this always elicits an &quot;I can relate&quot; or &quot;can't argue with that&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I elaborate, &quot;Finally Tech support handed me a Mac...&quot; And the techsupport-request part of the conversation is over.  And usually, the person Does Not Want to be evangelized, and starts looking for a way to exit the conversation, and at this point I'm all too happy for them to find one.  Otherwise, sure, I'll talk about the advantages of going Mac or even if their computing needs are modest enough that they can be met by a tablet (as is often the case these days). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't care avout evangelizing Mac, I care about getting them out of my hair -- and if they can find a platform that doesn't drive them nuts, that means they won't be bothering me much.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T03:12:43.590" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-12T04:09:50.117" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like several others here, I've been in the same situation; doing a PhD in robotics somehow translates into being able to do anything from doing virus scans, to repairing surface mount electronics inside phones. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It came to a head with three colleagues who had all broken their phone's charge ports within a few weeks of each other and didn't want to pay the corner store $200 each to fix a broken charger. After soldering a couple of Micro-USB connectors, they started buying junk electronics (solar phone chargers, Apple Lightning cables, 1TB thumb drives) in bulk from China, asking if I could solder the plug back on the end of one, and then expecting me to repair boxes of 30+ of them, presumably for resale or some other application I wasn't told about. Some unkind words were exchanged on both sides.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nowadays I just help out as much as I'm prepared to: showing someone how to use a soldering iron or thermocouple welder, or outright saying I have no experience with X brand of phone, or that I don't have the tools to dismantle Y tablet. Once they realise that it'll take effort on their part to fix a $1 part, they quickly lose interest in doing so. I  still get asked for help with problems I can genuinely help with like stepper motor drivers, but it's one of the situations where developing a reputation as being unhelpful can be quite a useful filtering tool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11239" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T04:09:50.117" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9060" CreationDate="2018-01-12T05:21:26.243" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this could be cleared up with a little more preemptive communication...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of her being worried that you left angry a simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm going to head out, but take your time. I'll see you when you get home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These little gestures go a long way towards reassuring a partner in a new relationship. Rather than letting them guess, or assume, you're just making things clear. After some time, and settling in, most people slowly get over these little insecurities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it helps to just tell them what you're thinking and how you're feeling:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, can we talk about XYZ? I'm really not angry or anything, but we need to come to some conclusion/understanding/compromise.... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand... Some people have a harder time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In cases where a partner has been in controlling and/or abusive relationships in the past it's probably worthwhile to mention seeking professional help. You can be nothing but sweetness and understanding, but if your partner needs help, they need help, and they should get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't say that lightly, I've been in a relationship with an abuse survivor. As much as I wanted to make it all ok, there were some issues they needed more help with than any lay person could offer. I'm not saying that this is your situation, but if it is, encourage them to talk to a therapist about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T05:21:26.243" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-12T05:39:06.390" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I generally tell people what I would do (without actually doing it for them). I'm a firm believer in the teach a man to fish principle. If you straight up answer their question, they learn nothing but that you are a source of fixing problems they don't want to (or don't know how to) deal with. If you teach them how to solve their own problems, they learn something and a life skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might say... when I go to buy computer hardware, I generally look at one of these sites for reviews and then pick something based on their recommendations. Or I might say, I'm not sure how to fix that, have you googled the error message?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm being helpful without taking over the responsibility of solving their problem for them. If they need more hands on help and aren't taking the hint (and you don't want to help or don't have the time), I would refer them to a local computer store like Best Buy, etc. Someone there would be glad to explain things to you and make a recommendation or they will diagnose and repair your computer for you if you don't want to learn to diagnose and fix it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2583" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T05:39:06.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8982" CreationDate="2018-01-12T05:47:58.500" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;With needles he trick is simple - don't watch. Unless you have a butcher only needles you look at hurt. In three days time I'll be in hospital with a cannula for three days. If it's an intern that does it I'll teach them how first (you go in fast).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first psychological treatment for phobias is systemic desensitisation. Any other treatments attempt to do this cheaper and aren't as good and aren't as nice. Terms such as implosion/explosion gives you an idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You approach fears to the limit of your ability to. Then you get comfortable at that level of exposure. When that happens you approach a bit closer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend is doing this. He can go with you. Get him to sit in the room and look at a poster on hand washing on the wall while it happens. Or the fire evacuation procedure poster.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11246" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T05:47:58.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-12T06:38:23.870" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I too have this kind of question, and what I tell them to put simply is,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, but my field of work is creating software, not fixing computers.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which is usually followed by their question, &quot;aren't you a computer science student?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I follow it up immediately with my explanation what on what computer science does in the most simplest words to describing our field of learning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But do take note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are software developers, and as such we do rely on a working computer to do our work, what happens if &lt;strong&gt;YOUR&lt;/strong&gt; computer breaks down? will you tell yourself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I cant fix this because I am a computer science graduate.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes we are software developers, we create and fix software, but it should not limit us up to that point. We should also know how to maintain our own system, to do some quick checkups and repairs and to know what parts need fixing or not. Google is a quick solution for this, just learning the basics of hardware troubleshooting is, at most times, the solutions to the problems of others as well. At that point, you may tell them that their motherboard maybe broken, but you cannot repair the motherboard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10618" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T06:38:23.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9060" CreationDate="2018-01-12T08:09:59.420" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's look at this :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Scenario: Last night we finished up a LARP event and went to get food afterwards then headed off, we both drove ourselves so we weren't waiting on one another, she stayed and chatted to a few other tables while I went off and headed to our place&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had to do a web search for LARP - I think my age is showing. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the problem here is that you are not acting as a couple in this instance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You arrive separately.  You leave separately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless there is an important reason to arrive or leave apart (like work or something), try and travel there with each other.  Exceptions are fine, just make then exceptions, not the norm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let her drive you.  Guys often hate this, but it's part of showing trust in her.  If you do this 50-50 it's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this also means one of you can't drink alcohol, so that may also put you off this.  If you both drink, take turns being the designated driver.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't need to stay and be a part of a conversation I knew I wasn't involved in&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well this doesn't help show your partner you consider her important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait around.  Maybe the conversation will draw you in, maybe it won't.  But demonstrating to your partner that you're happy just to be around her and will give up time to let her do her thing would be very supportive emotionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider this : do you think this previous abusive BF would have left early or stayed around ?  I suspect by leaving you are repeating a pattern she has seen before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put this together with :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She has mentioned in the past that per previous partners have been &quot;you must do this and only this, if [I] don't like [it] you can't do it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What signal does leaving her at a social event suggest to you in this context ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder if she read that as you signaling that her conversations with other people don't interest you or that simply leaving was you saying &quot;time we were out of here&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The positives&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are clearly interested in supporting her emotionally.  You are sensitive to the issues and her needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you've said she is happy with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But she probably will need a little more of your attention and patience (i.e. just patiently doing very little and looking happy about it to accommodate her needs).  Probably more than average and possibly for a long time to come - abusive relationships leaves scars and they don't always heal completely and certainly not quickly - think decades, not months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've been together almost 6 months now, and I would like to know if other than reassuring her each time she gets worried, what I can do to help her break the habit of how her previous partners were treating her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be there for her.  Be available to share what she's doing (e.g. talking with people you don't know) not because there's a logical need, but because it demonstrates that her needs are important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also suggest that where possible you let her drive you to and from social events you're going to together.  At least do it more frequently than not.  Again it's to show you trust her and that you are more concerned about time with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point the need for that will probably die out gradually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her opinion of what you are doing or things you hear on the TV and so on, is something else to ask for (as casually as possible - not like a routine).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would demonstrate that her viewpoint, support and approval are things you value.  This would be something I suspect her previous relationship did not have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall you simply need to demonstrate with small thing (not necessarily words) that you value her as a person and are fine putting that into small deeds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T08:09:59.420" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9073" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9077" CreationDate="2018-01-12T09:11:38.403" Score="10" ViewCount="9057" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A bit of backstory&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents are separated and my Dad has a long-term partner who he has been with for over 10 years now. She (my Dad's partner, let's call her Eve) has a close group of friends who she sees on a regular basis. One of Eve's close friends (let's call her Annie) works at the same place as me, in different departments but we occasionally see each other at lunchtime. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone in my family, Adam, has a mental health condition which sometimes means the way they behave is not the most polite, can come across as rude etc. I mention this because it has caused issues in the past. Eve has found Adam's behaviour to be 'unacceptable', has told my Dad, who has then told Adam which has caused a lot of grief and loss of trust. I think this goes to demonstrate how sensitive Eve can sometimes be about a person's perceived behaviour, which is why I want to avoid as much as possible any conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adam had recently been going through a 'down period', whereby I mean their mental health was not in good shape for several reasons. I would talk to my (our) Dad about this when I would see him. Sometimes Eve would be there too, but I felt like there was no reason not to trust her with the information. In essence, Adam was not sure if he wanted to go on a family holiday because he wasn't feeling great, I felt it was important to tell them because they would need to be aware and available had that been the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, on a couple of occasions at work, I have bumped into to Annie at lunchtime and she has asked me about a specific 'event' that either myself or Adam would have discussed with my Dad. My Dad may have discussed this with Eve which I don't see a problem with unless it was explicitly stated to be confidential between my Dad and Adam. I do however take issue with this for several reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The information I shared with them, was shared with confidence that it would be private between those present. It was not explicitly stated but I definitely would expect that to be the case.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I hardly know Annie. She is a lovely person but we are not close and she isn't a close family friend. On the contrary, she is only friends with Eve, not my family and certainly not someone who I would divulge such personal information to.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When Eve and Annie normally see each other it is with a large group of friends. So if Annie knows about this then it is likely that everyone else present at the time also knows. People who I don't even know. And who knows who else could have been told.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As nice as Annie is, and as much as I like her, it is not her (or any of Eve's other friends') business to know the inner workings of my family or Adam's personal information and I need to make sure that Eve doesn't do this sort of thing again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has only happened twice. With the example that I mentioned above and with another example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned earlier Eve has a tendency to be very sensitive about matters such as these. How can I go about asking her not to share such information? In the meantime, I know that I can refrain from saying anything with her present, but I know that I &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; need to tell my Dad important things. But then I would have to tell him explicitly not to share this with Eve which raises the same problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is especially important to me because if Adam were to find out about how Eve had been 'spreading his secrets' it would cause a lot of conflicts and unnecessary grief in our family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make Eve know that she can not be spreading personal family information such as this with strangers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for any help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9257" LastEditorUserId="9257" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T09:58:05.800" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T14:49:14.780" Title="How to politely ask someone not to spread personal information?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9074" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9114" CreationDate="2018-01-12T09:15:54.030" Score="1" ViewCount="1223" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have a neighbor right next to our house with whom we maintain friendly terms. Whenever we see each other we exchange greetings from a distance. The walls of our master bedrooms are right next to each other (in fact they are physically together). This person has been living there for 2 years and there was never a problem whatsoever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every since he got married a few months ago we have had a problem with noise at night. It always feels like somebody is moving some furniture all the time and when that is done they put on TV with a very loud volume. Our 4 year old son gets disturbed in his sleep and we sometimes have a hard time bearing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once requested him to please keep the volume down and he did but it is more of a habit I guess because it happens almost everyday. So its like when they are done with their work day they just go watch movies with very loud volume at night. I don't feel like complaining to someone everyday about the same thing and appearing whiny, but then a peaceful sleep for my child is more important to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We do have a council and I can raise the issue with them and they will come to help but I feel embarrassed calling someone else for this matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of them are in their 30s and don't appear to have hearing difficulties from our interaction with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I explain it to the couple that at night the noise levels should not be that high and that my son is more important to me than friendly relations with them but if I had to choose one its obvious what I would?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3987" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-01-13T05:57:43.363" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T07:05:04.553" Title="How to deal with a noisy neighbor you're on friendly terms with?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9074" CreationDate="2018-01-12T09:28:27.360" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you told them once, as a one off thing so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next step you should take is to have a general conversation with them about it. Try generalising it so they realize it's actually regularly and not just right now, and try to work it into a normal conversation you're having with them anyways (If you're on friendly terms you talk from time to time, right?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Janet, I noticed that you guys often times keep a pretty high volume on your TV at night. Our son is only 4 years old and sensitive to noise during bedtime, could you please work out a way to turn down the volume or watch TV in another room of the house? Thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will make it clear to your neighbours that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The problem is permanent&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's not a question, it's a request&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're asking them to &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; turn it down, and not just once.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, they might still not comply or slip back into their old habits. After that, you can remind them occasionally, but that might sour your relationship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going to the council should be a last resort only, as it can easily be seen as betraying their trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T09:28:27.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-12T09:40:49.657" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a slightly different take to all the answers here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been a software developer for over 10 years now, and I very rarely get any requests like this anymore. How? By adopting a couple of simple methods.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Say yes, of course I'll take a look, but I'm really busy until &lt;em&gt;&amp;lt;some date in the future, normally 2 weeks will do it&amp;gt;&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, as alluded to in some of the other comments...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Depending on what they do as a job, say yes then in the same sentence ask them to do something for you. My favourite ones have been plumbers (yeah, I can give your laptop a look, bring it round and while you're here, would you mind taking a look at my boiler? It's been making funny noises...), designers (yep, I can help you move your files from your old Mac to your new one, in return, a friend of mine needs a website designed...) and family members (ok, but it'll take a few hours, I can come round and set up your TV / computer / iPad, I'll be round at &lt;em&gt;&amp;lt;whatever time you know they normally eat dinner&amp;gt;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The general idea here is to make them realise that your time is not free. Most people value their trade more than others because it's what they make their living doing, so when you suggest that they carry on their work day in return for you helping them with something, the majority of the time they suddenly figure out how to do things for themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a gamble because some of the time, that plumber or designer is going to say ok, and you're going to have to figure out how to help them, but on the plus side, you will get something out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to answer 1, 2 &amp;amp; 3, you don't need to inform them that you're not their personal technical support, you need to make them realise that you're not willing to do it for free without coming out and saying it. That way, you still seem helpful and you're not bluntly refusing them so shouldn't hurt their feelings (it does depend on how you phrase things, but that's just life)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2716" LastEditorUserId="4617" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T07:35:57.353" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T07:35:57.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9073" CreationDate="2018-01-12T10:02:50.967" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a tough one. There are no guarantees Eve will honor your request. Usually, people who spread information to others, whether you consider it gossiping or not don't realize it's a big deal and if this is how they are they will keep doing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Approach Eve and tell her what her friend Annie mentioned/asked about Adam.&lt;/strong&gt; Ask her calmly to not share your family's private matters (e.g stuff about Adam) to anyone even Annie. You could explain what you said in your question about both Eve and Annie discussing such matters around other women who might also spread the information and so on. Depending on your relationship with Eve you could politely tell her that you don't like that this is causing problems to Adam and you wish she stopped the behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Eve, I'd appreciate it if you kept our family matters/Adam's personal&#xA;  problems private from now on. Can I please count on you that anything&#xA;  me or dad discuss with you will remain confidential?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could elaborate more about the importance of confidentiality in discussing someone's mental health. Adam hasn't agreed nor given permission and he feels uncomfortable to the point his health is affected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that even if Eve respects your request in theory she could still tell Annie and ask her not to mention anything to you from now on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel this is really damaging to Adam ask for your dad's help. Either don't talk about Adam when Eve is around or involve your dad in a solution by mentioning what happened with Annie. Is he able to convince Eve that she needs to keep your family's matters private? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after asking Eve she keeps spreading information e.g about Adam, confront Eve and tell her that it has made it difficult for you to trust her and you won't be sharing personal information again. You could ask your dad to do the same but he's been with Eve for many years and it's hard to exclude her from information involving the family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="1959" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T14:49:14.780" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T14:49:14.780" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9074" CreationDate="2018-01-12T10:05:40.357" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your question, it seems as though things were fine before your neighbour got married.  It seems reasonable to assume, therefore, that his new wife is the root cause of the increased noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've asked &lt;strong&gt;him&lt;/strong&gt; to decrease the volume, and he did that once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that the most appropriate person to ask his new wife.  Just point out that your son is sleeping on the other side of the party wall and that the noise of the TV is causing problems in getting him to sleep, and this is disrupting the family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they deny that the TV is too loud and that they're being appropriate inside their own house, then you have a cause to ask the council to decide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T10:05:40.357" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9036" CreationDate="2018-01-12T10:45:40.613" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The aspect that sounds worrying to me isn't the part where she doesn't listen to advice from people she doesn't like. It's the part where she actively does the opposite - in order to spite them? - and hurts mostly herself (and not the advisor) in the process. If she wanted to get back at the advisors, she should do something that hurts &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;. But she doesnt...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sounds like disguised self-harming behaviour and it sounds like she should mainly get help from a mental health professional to handle this. Of course, getting there doesn't sound easy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could start by leaving the advisor out of it and focussing just on the &quot;How did it get to [thing that harmed you]?&quot; and &quot;How did you feel then?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end it may well be that you can do nothing about it unless &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; realises that she needs to change her behaviour. Maybe you can only disengange or divorce :-/&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T10:45:40.613" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9036" CreationDate="2018-01-12T12:01:55.920" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds as if the root cause of this is deep-seated and could be very difficult to address. When you argue with her over any of these isolated incidents you are attacking a symptom, not the cause, which is why you are not getting anywhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like she feels the need to perhaps prove to others that she can make her own decisions without assistance. Rebelling against any kind of authority, real or perceived, seems to be default behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is firstly to be patient. Don't sit her down and attempt to psychoanalyse her, but talk to her over time and have a think about what may be the cause of this. Did she experience excessive control from parents or somebody in authority in the past? Did she struggle at any point in her life?  Did she feel that she had to compete with others, perhaps siblings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have an idea what might be going on with her, try to have a conversation that links her past experience to her present behaviour. But speak positively about her - don't suggest that she is obstinate or stubborn; maybe ask &quot;do you think that is why you are so fiercely independent?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said she already accepts that her behaviour is harmful after the fact, so perhaps she will respond to your help if given in the right way. She is probably in denial to a degree. Be supportive at all times throughout this. If there IS something in her past that has made her this way, professional counselling would be the best way forward, but counsellors do not give advice, really they just ask questions that encourage a person to reach their own conclusions. You have already experienced that if you try to give her advice, she does the opposite, so the only way you will succeed is by following that approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T12:01:55.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9082" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-12T12:29:41.333" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have worked in IT for 17 years, I can promise you it never goes away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the years I have built up a collection of standard responses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Can you fix my computer?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;That's not the area of computing I work in, sorry. Have you tried PC World?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Yes, I charge £50 flat rate plus the cost of any parts and an additional £25 for each hour's labour. (or whatever rate is slightly above average in your area) Do you want to make an appointment? PC World are a bit cheaper than me.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Can you answer this question?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Sorry, I only work with computers, I'm not actually a computer myself. You could try Google, or PC World?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Can you recommend a computer?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;My own computer is highly specialised and very expensive. I don't really know anything about standard computers, you'd be best talking to PC World.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T12:29:41.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2378" CreationDate="2018-01-12T12:43:26.397" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I honestly find it difficult to believe that you're consistently spending 3 hours on the todo list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you ACTUALLY spending it on the todo list itself? Or is most of that time spent discussing details of the individual items? Given your slightly recent start that sounds like it &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; be valuable? Maybe?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively... is it really regularly 3 hours a day most days, or has it been 3 hours &lt;em&gt;today&lt;/em&gt;, because you've just planned a month of work, and it will be half an hour a day for the rest of the month?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, assuming that your manager is genuinely spending half your working week doing your todo list ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Include a line item of &quot;3 hours per day of Todo list review&quot; on your Todo list when you're having that discussion, and ask her how that should be prioritised against the other tasks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she says that you shouldn't be doing that, but then comes back 2 hours later, remind her that the two of you had agreed that you wouldn't do that task again today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she really &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; want to prioritise that, then that's her call. :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4808" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T12:43:26.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-12T13:00:50.380" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What worked for me is being brutally honest, is telling everyone: &quot;I hate fixing computers.&quot;&#xA;Don't say something like, &quot;I don't really like to....&quot; because you really need to communicate the emotion of the hate you have against this kind of activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After people know how you feel about this, they will be very hesitant to ask you to do it. Because now they're asking you to do something they know you hate doing. The burden must be on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick is, when to bring it up.&#xA;What you have to do is to bring this up before they ask you the question to help them with their computer.&#xA;That way you can bring it up without projecting that emotion on them, because you need to project the emotion on the activity.&#xA;Most of the time this is easy enough because most people won't outright ask you for help but start up a conversation which steers to their computer problems. If you feel the question coming you can drop your line like, &quot;yeah really hate fixing computers, what I do for a living is so far from that.&quot; Before they even state their computer problems. Once you've dropped that bomb people back off. Because they know your position but you haven't stated that you hated helping &quot;them&quot;, just in general that you hate fixing computers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With family you helped before this will be harder. But at some point you have to tell them you really don't like doing this activity. Maybe help them find a smart 16 year/old you can trust that can make a quick buck fixing their computers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Because I love helping people, just not with computer-problems.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2697" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T13:00:50.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9087" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-12T14:10:30.273" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tell them, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't fix anyone's computer anymore besides my Mama's.  Sorry. &#xA;  It's just that whenever you touch somebody's computer, no matter what&#xA;  you did, it could be you plugged in a mouse, when that thing breaks&#xA;  the next day, it becomes my fault.  It becomes 'You touched it last!'&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then explain to them how I used to fix folks' computers, and I still would if I had to eat, but now I don't because it becomes a nightmare.  &quot;Don't take it personal.  I just don't do it anymore.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if they ask you questions you can answer, well, answer them.  People in all fields get asked questions.  Mechanics - &quot;Hey Bob, my car makes this funny noise...&quot;  Doctors - &quot;Hey, Doc, I got this pain on my left side...&quot; You have a skill and people will ask you.  Policeman - &quot;Hey Ociffer, I was speeding in 1982 and this radar cop said...what do you think...or, Hey, Do you know such and such, they pulled me over yesterday.  Can you help me out?&quot;  ComputerGuy - &quot;Hey, Can you do some of your magic on my computer?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a skill that I am sure you asked people lots of help with, and I am sure there are other areas of life you do the same.  We are all interconnected.  And we all have stereotypical ideas about other people.  Who cares?  Maybe you do fit the stereotype.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just answer them and if they want real work, tell them about Mama. And if it is Mama that you won't help, then you have other problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2906" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T14:10:30.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9088" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9073" CreationDate="2018-01-12T14:11:47.747" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell Eve what you told us.  There's no need to ask her to stop sharing information, merely to mention the outcome of sharing the information (ie, Adam may be upset) and that she should discuss it with Adam so he knows what she's shared, who she's shared it with, and what he'd like her to do in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Eve, Annie has approached me at work a few times to discuss sensitive family information, for instance Adam's mental health.  I understand she's your friend and perhaps you need someone to talk to about this, but I'm concerned that if Adam knew his mental health was being discussed with others outside the three of us, even in confidence, it would be very upsetting to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll tell Annie directly that I don't want to discuss personal family matters with her.  I'd appreciate it if you would discuss this with Adam, letting him know what you've shared with others and why. I want to avoid him finding out later from someone else that his information may have spread further than he'd prefer, and he may have specific desires for how and with whom to share this information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T14:11:47.747" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9051" CreationDate="2018-01-12T14:34:26.857" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should someone apologize when both parties were wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-- &lt;strong&gt;Just like when only one party was wrong.&lt;/strong&gt; The other party then still owes an apology, which they might or might not offer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You apologize to make peace with yourself, to express empathy with a person whom you have hurt, or both. You don't apologize to get them to apologize. &lt;strong&gt;An apology is like a gift&lt;/strong&gt;, not like a trade, and therefore not contingent on reciprocation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't feel like giving from the heart, just don't. That's ok and better than a &quot;gift&quot; with strings attached.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you are still allowed to be angry, to feel wronged and to hope that the other person would apologize to you. But that's a separate matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T16:55:20.000" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T16:55:20.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9090" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9091" CreationDate="2018-01-12T15:18:59.280" Score="11" ViewCount="1242" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work as a designer, so I often do research and also have to test stuff. I often have my phone in my hand or on in front of me as I use a mirroring program to show my designs directly onto my phone while I'm working on them. This helps me a lot with making designs. When a supervisor tells me 'I like Amazon's checkout, we should do something similar', I need to browse amazon, take notes and screenshots etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of my supervisors have issue with this, but my colleagues always make comments. 'Are you done Facebooking, I have a question' when I am holding my phone. Or 'I doubt Amazon is allowed in the office.'. If they need something from me they will say 'You don't have a lot to do right?'. It even goes so far that if I say I've had a stressful day, they will just reply with 'Filled with online shopping?'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm getting a bit sick of it and I feel like I'm losing respect of people. I have explained many times it is work related, but they are not having it. How can I explain it to them without sounding like I'm making fake excuses?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T15:44:42.533" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T15:44:42.533" Title="How do I explain to my coworkers I'm not 'facebooking'?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-12T15:48:59.463" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9091" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9090" CreationDate="2018-01-12T15:31:48.333" Score="14" Body="&lt;h3&gt;&lt;em&gt;Sorry, I am currently working on Task [xyz] getting ideas from Amazon's design to incorporate into product [zyx] - can I help you with your problem later?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show them that you are currently working on something by mentioning it and the fact that you are busy. You don't have anything to hide, so it's perfectly normal to continue doing what you are doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that they are not respecting what you are doing for the team and the company means that they can wait an hour or two before you come back to them to help. Everyone should try to understand what everyone else is contributing to the company. Being ignorant of what the job the person you are asking for something entails is not very polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will learn very fast that they should not make such remarks if they want your help right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="372" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T15:31:48.333" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9092" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9090" CreationDate="2018-01-12T15:40:33.510" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in a similar boat, and my answer depends heavily on who I'm dealing with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person in question is someone I'm on good terms with, and joke around with, I'll be light hearted, and maybe a little self-deprecating. I may very well explain what it is I'm doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if someone is simply being passive-aggressive, I won't hesitate to put them in their place. In your case I'd reply with any number of phrases, depending on the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignorant Coworker:&lt;/strong&gt; Are you done Facebooking, I have a question. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Not quite, can you come back in 10 minutes? Thanks. &lt;br/&gt;  &lt;strong&gt;Ignorant Coworker:&lt;/strong&gt; Are you serious? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Yes, I am serious. Analyzing web design is an important part of my job. Thanks for understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then go back to whatever you were doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignorant Coworker:&lt;/strong&gt; I doubt Amazon is allowed in the office. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Just one of the many perks of being a web designer. (You may add more if you feel like being nasty: Another is getting snide comments from people who don't understand the requirements of my job.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will of course depend on what you feel you can get away with. Last but not least, in the third situation you described, you can call people out as well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignorant Coworker:&lt;/strong&gt; You don't have a lot to do, right? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Actually I'm very busy. Perhaps you also have something you should be doing right now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will eventually get the hint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T15:40:33.510" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9093" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9074" CreationDate="2018-01-12T16:33:08.070" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Both of them are in their 30s and don't appear to have hearing difficulties&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem can be the flooring, but also the walls and pipes. Since it's your nextdoor neighbour and you can hear the television it's is likely to be airborne sound (not impact sound).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If money is not an issue ask them if they will let a soundproofing professional check out their apartment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Would you let a soundproofing professional checkout your house, because my son's sleeping quality suffers from the sounds coming from your house. I'm willing to pay the costs.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T16:33:08.070" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9096" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9051" CreationDate="2018-01-12T17:11:13.820" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Regarding your comments about the expected result of an apology (rude answer and use of the apology against you), the answer seems obvious: &lt;strong&gt;Don't apologize&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually you answered your own question: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I should have told this person that his &quot;assistance&quot; was no longer desired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just politely thank him for his time, but it became obvious you're too different to work together on this project and for the sake of it it's better he's not involved anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7069" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T23:27:34.897" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T23:27:34.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-12T21:10:41.487" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that there are 2 fundamental ways to approach a problem like this: Ask others to respect your boundaries, or work on improving your comfort level with these sorts of situations. Since the former already has some excellent answers, I will speak to the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a concept called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exposure_therapy#Research&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;exposure therapy&lt;/a&gt;, in which a person voluntarily subjects themselves to uncomfortable situations. Studies (cited in the link) suggest that by doing so, they grow more accustomed to facing fear and anxiety, and the level of discomfort shrinks or disappears completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is in voluntarily exposing yourself to these situations. Talk to your closest friends and get them to help you. Start by just offering them a handshake or high-five. Get comfortable with that, and move on to larger, more overt forms of contact. Once you get to the point where you're comfortable hugging your best friends, you can then branch out to acquaintances or even strangers. Depending on your culture, it may be odd to just walk up to a stranger and just hug them, but if you've gotten to the point where you'd be willing to do that, you've already pretty much solved your issue, at least to a functional level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11297" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T21:10:41.487" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9042" CreationDate="2018-01-12T21:29:56.327" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Software Engineer for 30 years here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My standard response is &quot;I don't know anything about that.&quot; That's almost always &lt;strong&gt;true&lt;/strong&gt;. I get paid for my ability to figure computer things out, not for knowing everything there is to know about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course family doesn't take that for an answer. And honestly perhaps they shouldn't, as I don't hesitate to go to my lawyer father when I need something done with the legal system (and he doesn't hesitate to help if he can).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly my saving grace with the family is that most of them are Apple-heads. Since I don't develop software for Apple products, I can honestly and legitimately claim utter ignorance for any of their Apple-related issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally I should mention &lt;strong&gt;immediate&lt;/strong&gt; family. There is no logic in the universe that can save you from being free tech support for your wife. Believe me, I've tried and still have the scars. Anything tech-related that breaks in your own house not only must you fix, but you're in big trouble that it broke in the first place. If your kids have issues and you don't help, they'll just complain to her, and then you're back in the doghouse. Don't bother trying. This is just your lot in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One piece of household mitigation I can't recommend highly enough: If you have Windows boxes, create separate Admin and User accounts, and &lt;strong&gt;do not tell anyone in your family what the Admin password&lt;/strong&gt; is. If they &quot;need&quot; to install something, it's gonna have to wait until you get home. I was reinstalling Windows on 3 boxes at home every 6 months before I instituted this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="5047" LastEditDate="2018-01-12T21:35:18.130" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T21:35:18.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9036" CreationDate="2018-01-12T22:06:20.353" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most people who react defensively in this way tend to know that what they're doing is wrong/harmful/prideful. Pride seems to play a big part in this and it's unfortunate that danger has become a byproduct of her behaviour. She's angry at you for bringing it up but I bet she doesn't realize that much of that anger is towards herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might help if you're able to cushion the hurt pride with solutions/reparations to the problems. There's not much point bringing up the past without solutions. The biggest thing I hate hearing is &quot;You should have...&quot; and if I had a time machine, I would have done it. That's like throwing salt on an open wound. It may help in softening her up to openly deal with those types of situations and reactions. She may want to know and hear that you support her, and then you can gently bring up how you can both deal with those situations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T22:06:20.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-12T22:18:00.793" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you've already repeated yourself, likely they will not &amp;quot;get it&amp;quot;. As others have mentioned, it's quite disrespectful of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if you think this will help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I understand that most people show their affection and connection to others through touch, but I am not comfortable with it. You don't have to understand why, I just ask that you respect my feelings/request.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Everyone has a different personal bubble, and you're in the danger zone.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I know that you don't like spiders/heights/pools but I don't subject you to those fears/discomforts. What you are doing makes me uncomfortable and I find it upsetting that you don't respect that.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People gravitate to jokes because they think it will diffuse the tension brought on by their disrespect. They're trying to make themselves feel better and that's not the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T22:18:00.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9103" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9104" CreationDate="2018-01-12T22:18:11.130" Score="80" ViewCount="26954" Body="&lt;p&gt;This seems to be a fairly common scenario. Since I don't work in a public environment anymore, it's been something that hasn't crossed my mind in a long while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, today while paying for a few items at the gas station the guy working the register decided to strike up a conversation with me that went something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guy: &amp;quot;Having a bad day?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;No?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guy: &amp;quot;Well then, why don't you smile for me? You look mad.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I find it annoying &lt;em&gt;at best&lt;/em&gt; to feel like a stranger is telling me how to present myself. I end up feeling like my personal &amp;quot;bubble&amp;quot; has been somewhat invaded. &lt;strong&gt;It's not anyone's choice but my own if I choose to share a physical cue of (emotional) warmth with them&lt;/strong&gt; and being asked to do so makes me immediately disinterested in everything about the person in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, &lt;em&gt;I really don't know what to say next when people put me in this position&lt;/em&gt;. I don't want to &amp;quot;lash out&amp;quot; because I feel that often the people doing this may not understand why it can be inappropriate, but there is absolutely no way that I am going to smile for them, let alone continue a conversation with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Given this information, what's the best way to respond to such comments? Is there an &amp;quot;exit strategy&amp;quot; I can take that can express that the reason I am doing so is &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; of that comment, without coming off as aggressive?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/erika-hardison/its-important-for-men-to-stop-telling-women-to-smile_b_9655246.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here's an article speaking to &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; this scenario can be off-putting&lt;/a&gt; when coming from a stranger, for those who aren't sure where my annoyance is coming from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T05:32:58.083" Title="Responding to being told to &quot;smile&quot; by a stranger?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-12T22:33:23.867" Score="70" Body="&lt;p&gt;People like that can have no boundaries. They tend to take offense when others respond negatively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on my mood and the vibe I get from people who approach me like that, I'll respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;How often does that work for you?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Well, I'm pissed now that you think you can demand any type of emotion from me.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I suffered an injury and the muscles that control my smile are painful to use. Thank you for the reminder that I'll never express happiness again.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may kind of turns the situation into a joke which could allow you to leave on a good note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I don't smile on demand, but I might for a $50.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or the more effective:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;No, thank you.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then you leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; There is no one correct answer or approach. Certainly some of these responses will rub people the wrong way. It's up to the OP to determine their comfort level in dealing with this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T16:55:58.940" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9105" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-12T22:58:48.770" Score="19" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[...] I feel that often the people doing this may not understand why it can be inappropriate&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exactly. Make them feel conscious by playing dumb. &lt;em&gt;They&lt;/em&gt; have to feel embarrassed, not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're asking you to do something &lt;em&gt;for them&lt;/em&gt;, right? Well, if somebody tells me &amp;quot;do it for me&amp;quot;, it's because&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that person cannot do it by themselves or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;someway I owe it to that person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask them &lt;em&gt;(politely, as if you really didn't understand their question)&lt;/em&gt; which case is this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Blah blah smile for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Excuse me sir? I didn't understand your last sentence. Do I have to smile not because I feel like doing it but... because I &lt;em&gt;owe&lt;/em&gt; it to you? I really can't remember seeing you other times, I'm sorry. Am I in debt with you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Blah blah smile for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Oh. I'm really sorry for you. If you ask strangers to smile for you, it means that you cannot do it by yourself. It is a really strange and sad case. No, I don't think I'll be able to smile for you, this is way too sad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, even more simply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Blah blah smile for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-...excuse me? *# I-don't-get-it face&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Yes, smile for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-For you...in which sense? *# more intense I-don't-get-it face&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-[Confused blabbing]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-[answer(s) asking for clarifications]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T23:47:58.993" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-12T23:32:31.823" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no reason you should smile to him you can tell him that politely, for a humorous response you can use&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My mom told me not to smile to strangers&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't go around smiling to every stranger that asks me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or (Credits to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/3181/erik&quot;&gt;Erik&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I only smile when I witness something stupid&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Works best if followed with a smile. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And for a more serious response you can use something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry but I only smile when I find something funny&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3689" LastEditorUserId="3689" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T17:28:17.293" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T17:28:17.293" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9107" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8949" CreationDate="2018-01-12T23:42:03.943" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;@boondoggle has some great suggestions. Hopefully a reminder of &quot;I'm sorry but my ears are extra sensitive today. Your volume is normal but I'm hypersensitive today.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are several kickstarter companies who are working on earphone/plugs that cancel out certain frequencies. As I don't know the entire nature of your medical condition but perhaps this is something you can bring up with your hearing specialist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's one company called &lt;a href=&quot;https://knops.co/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIv7-P9cvT2AIV0LjACh0MkgcJEAAYASAAEgKaGfD_BwE&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Knops.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-01-12T23:42:03.943" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9108" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8964" CreationDate="2018-01-13T00:08:37.753" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I just started to work here so I don't want to tense the stuff up.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's good that you acknowledge this. Since you are new, you should try to proceed carefully. They have already created a work environment that includes socializing. You may have to pick and choose your office hours to oscillate around when the height of the chatting occurs. In my work place, I know that the office gets busy and loud between 2-4pm so I will work on any important matters beforehand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Markino brought up a good way to start. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T00:08:37.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-13T00:59:12.113" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on the strangely personal phrasing &quot;smile for me,&quot; this may be an inept attempt to flirt.  Whether or not it is, a stranger asking you to smile is rude.  It deserves no answer whatsoever.  If &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an attempt to flirt, any answer, especially a joking one, may be seen by someone with such a lack of boundaries as an invitation to continue the banter/flirtation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that possibility, the correct response is no response at all.  Completely ignore the statement.  You have no obligation to respond to such rudeness in any way, and a response may serve to make things worse, not better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11307" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T00:59:12.113" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-13T01:09:01.243" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's assume that you do not need anything from this stranger, that is, the stranger is not an IRS auditor or the person who is going to repair your car or fix the leak in your bathroom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be haughty.  Say something like &quot;Really !&quot; in a haughty and incredulous tone of voice.  Do not say anything that even a moron could construe as an invitation to continue the conversation.  In the example you cite, you could even just walk out, if you had not already handed over the money for your purchases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to be called a bitch.  So what?  Be proud of being a bitch! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is too extreme for you, say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have rigor mortis and am unable to smile.  I don't want to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are dependent on the goodwill of this person (the plumber, for example), say, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I always look like this. It's nothing personal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not owe anybody an explanation; you do not even owe them courtesy.  They are way over the line, unless they are senile, or you are a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit in response to Comment&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My last sentence may have been ambiguous. What I meant to say is that you are under no obligation to be courteous (in this case) unless you are dealing with a person with a mental disability or a child, or unless you yourself are a child.  I agree that children should not be obliged to accede to the demands or even requests of strangers, and they can run screaming from a stranger if are frightened, but it does a child no favor to teach it that it is OK to be rude. A dollop of rudeness needs to be seasoned with judgment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2018-01-13T18:51:17.627" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T18:51:17.627" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-13T04:24:57.820" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have the same exact touch issue, and am also conflict-averse. This is what I've been doing the last several years, and it has always worked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop them &lt;em&gt;physically&lt;/em&gt;; this can be arms out, moving away, whatever you're most comfortable with. Don't let them engage in touch. &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Please, stop.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Please respect my boundaries.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; (not emphasizing touch, but &lt;em&gt;boundaries&lt;/em&gt;); if they don't get it, say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I don't want to be touched. Please respect my boundaries.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;Don't avoid saying it a second time due to redundancy; &lt;strong&gt;emphasize&lt;/strong&gt; it&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If countered, &lt;em&gt;demand&lt;/em&gt; respect of your boundaries, noticeably escalated in tone and eye-contact. &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I need you to respect my boundaries.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If still countered, tell them they &lt;em&gt;need to leave&lt;/em&gt; (or you need to) because of &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;...repeatedly disrespecting my boundaries&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt; Don't make it about touch, but &lt;em&gt;respect&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This allows you to:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Potentially avoid being touched  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Politely ask them to stop  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If politeness fails, attempt respectful escalation  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And when all else fails, remove yourself from the scenario in a fashion that will be memorable but not &quot;flipping out&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They'll think twice about going through this sequence of events all over again. It's not a &quot;funny&quot; conversation, and if you do it as-explained, not hostile either.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11312" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T04:24:57.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9074" CreationDate="2018-01-13T06:54:49.943" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having successfully handled loud neighbors who (like yours) were disturbing my son's sleep, I'll share my successful approach and comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I think it's better to take it up &lt;em&gt;when it happens&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; if possible, rather than waiting until the next day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not wanting to try to raise my voice loud enough to attract their attention, I instead used a very bright flashlight.  (This may not work for your exact situation as you say the walls are right up against each other, but more on that later.)  Pointing it over the board fence and turning it on and off a couple times invariably got their attention, and then they would stop talking (shouting/laughing/whatever) for a moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having gotten their attention, I could say, without having to shout, &amp;quot;Hey, could you please keep it down?&amp;quot;  I didn't have to speak angrily, nor did I want to.  They would reply, &amp;quot;Yeah, sorry!&amp;quot; and it would be fine after that (at least for that night).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repetition had the desired effect.  I had to do this several times—they weren't loud &lt;em&gt;every&lt;/em&gt; night, but when I first started addressing it they were distractingly loud perhaps once or twice a week.  Gradually, this happened less and less often, and then not at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The keynotes of my approach were:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Keeping it reasonably polite&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(at least, not devolving to angry shouting or swearing—I'm not saying you can't communicate some anger and frustration at being kept up if the situation continues, but hurling insults and just venting will never be productive);&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Getting their attention without raising my voice (in my case, by using a bright flashlight) so that my message (&amp;quot;please be quieter&amp;quot;) could be delivered calmly, having already &lt;em&gt;gotten&lt;/em&gt; their attention;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(In my case, both I and my neighbors have very long driveways, so going up to their door would mean a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of walking.  But if you share a wall that's likely not the case for you.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Taking it up &lt;em&gt;when it happened,&lt;/em&gt; not later.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have windows and so can't use a flashlight, I would go so far as to go and ring their doorbell and ask them to be quiet.  To make it somewhat courteous, you could pay this visit when your son will be going to sleep in about half an hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Ding dong&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Loud noises, furniture banging, TV blaring)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Ding dong, ding dong!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Scuffling, TV stops, someone comes to the door)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Yes?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hi there!  I guess you're having a movie night?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Yeah, is it too loud?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Thanks for asking.  Actually, it's been okay up to now, but now my son is getting ready for bed and we'd like him to get to sleep in about half an hour.  Do you think you could please turn down the volume, or maybe use headphones?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're friendly in your communication rather than JUST going there to deliver an ultimatum or antagonize him, or vent, or whatever, your communication will &lt;em&gt;reach&lt;/em&gt; much much better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll become more real to him.  When you're more real to them as a person, when your family is more real to them as a family, they will also be more considerate of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you've had this conversation a couple times, or even during the first conversation, you may also want to mention your son's usual bed time and request that they please keep the volume down after _____ time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To specifically comment on a couple bits in your description:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once requested him to please keep the volume down and he did...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is good news.  You're not dealing with just an inconsiderate asshole.  :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...but it is more of a habit I guess because it happens almost everyday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why I recommend taking it up &lt;em&gt;when it happens.&lt;/em&gt;  After several times of doing that (always politely), they will think, &amp;quot;Let's watch a movie!&amp;quot; and then they'll think, &amp;quot;Oh, let's use headphones or keep the volume down.&amp;quot;  You could call this &amp;quot;conditioning&amp;quot; but really it's not; it's just &lt;strong&gt;being friendly so that your family is more real to them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't feel like complaining to someone everyday about the same thing and appearing whiny...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You won't.  As long as you're patient about it and just make the request newly each time.  They will probably end up embarrassed more than anything, though that won't be your intention.  Just be &lt;em&gt;understanding,&lt;/em&gt; and remind them when they need the reminder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...but then a peaceful sleep for my child is more important to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same here.  And they will understand that, also (since it sounds like they're nice people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will also appreciate that you're very nice about it (but persistent! Don't be &amp;quot;nice&amp;quot; by never telling them what's happening; that's not nice!) and will respond much better to that friendliness than to expressed annoyance or to &amp;quot;getting them in trouble&amp;quot; with the council.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!  Hope your boy starts getting good sleep and your relationship with your neighbors improves!  (And congratulate them on getting married, too!)  :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1919" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T07:05:04.553" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9117" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9119" CreationDate="2018-01-13T10:49:27.843" Score="2" ViewCount="3671" Body="&lt;p&gt;Through social media like Facebook I often know when it's someone's birthday. What's the best way to find out if the person is having a birthday party and if you're invited? Last year a mutual friend invited me to someone's birthday party and it was a lot of fun. Since then, I ran into him a few times and have him on Facebook. Today was his birthday and heard he was having a party. I wasn't sure how to ask? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you're having a party, can I come? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;sounds a bit impersonal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 26 and live on the West Coast. I'm focusing this question towards people that I do know and can contact, but I don't know very well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I agree one generally doesn't invite them self, it may change things if guests are already inviting other guests. Also sometimes significant other's are automatically invited. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7017" LastEditorUserId="7017" LastEditDate="2018-01-20T07:42:11.330" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T07:42:11.330" Title="How do I find out if I'm invited to a party?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-13T11:09:22.123" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm glad you asked this question because this has happened to me many times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first, I thought you worked at the register and that the customer complained that you weren't smiling. In the US it's almost required or expected that a customer service representative smiles at the customer whether they want to/feel like it or not. I understand the politics behind it but the opposite, you (a customer) not smiling at a customer service guy and the guy demanding for it is a bit weird. He could be flirting with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have responded differently to comments that I looked mad or that I didn't smile, depending on my mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, a &amp;quot;Why don't you smile...&amp;quot; comment has elicited a smile. The comment itself made me smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other times, I just chose to keep appearing mad or serious (mood I was in at the time) and &lt;strong&gt;ignored their comment without saying anything&lt;/strong&gt;. And this is what I would do in your situation. You don't owe this guy an explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if nonetheless you feel like saying something, these have been some of my responses in the past:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't feel like it right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like smiling on demand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't want to&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;(my favorite and to the point). Ironically, I have sometimes caught myself saying this with a sarcastic smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: Sometimes, it's possible to overreact when someone is trying to make us smile or trying to cheer us up (especially if we aren't in a good mood). Some people are like that and they mean well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if it felt like that to you with this guy or not. This is for you to tell. I try to be fair and not too rigid and unless this happened often or I felt a particular person was being too forceful I would ignore their comment and leave.&#xA;My response almost always depends on the vibe I get from the person making the comment and the mood I'm in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T11:09:22.123" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9117" CreationDate="2018-01-13T11:17:05.970" Score="16" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Normally you don't invite yourself&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know someone very well you can't know whether that person wants to invite only very close friends to his birthday party or if it's going to be a big party where basically everyone is welcome. He may not view you as a friend he is close enough to warrant inviting this year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking him bluntly whether you can come makes this an awkward situation if what I wrote is true in this case. He may not want to invite more people, for example because there is not any more room or because he simply forgot about you when sending out invitations, and acknowledging either will not be easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;You can ask whether he has anything planned&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Happy birthday! Anything planned for the party?&amp;quot; is a perfectly fine question. It shows that you are interested and want to know what he is doing. He may tell you &amp;quot;Just watching a film with a couple close friends.&amp;quot; or something similar - in that case you are not invited and should take the hint. Or he might say something like &amp;quot;Yeah, big barbecue - wanna join?&amp;quot; in which case you are invited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case the first one or two sentences will tell you what you want and it's best to just leave it at that. You have already shown that you know about the event and are interested in his life and now it's up to him and how he wants to spend his birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="372" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T11:17:05.970" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9120" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-13T11:25:03.903" Score="-4" ViewCount="462" Body="&lt;p&gt;Situation from this morning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;real estate agent&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;young couple viewing property rented by us&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not happy about the apartment because of BLAH, BLAH, BLAH and I was to make the decision again I wouldn't rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it OK to tell these guys what I know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was worried that letting agent will lose their commission...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11327" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T12:35:24.433" Title="Is it OK to be honest with guys viewing an apartment to rent?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-01-13T15:24:05.340" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9120" CreationDate="2018-01-13T12:35:24.433" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is usual for the current tenant not to be in an apartment when it's being viewed by prospective new tenants. There are lots of reasons for this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;new tenants have been known to blurt out things they don't like, which may in fact be your things (your furniture and possessions) or decisions (the colour you painted the living room) making the experience embarrassing for you.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you sitting there can prevent them from imagining themselves sitting there&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you might volunteer information the agent was hoping to hide, such as the noisy neighbours, unpleasant landlord personality, or parking problems on the weekend, that wouldn't be noticed in a single visit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know the agent or the prospective tenants, so you don't &quot;owe&quot; anyone anything. If you volunteer your information you may indeed cost the agent a commission (or make them show the apartment many more times before getting it) and you may spare this particular set of tenants the trouble of renting this apartment. What you will almost certainly cause is a note next time giving you 24 hours notice to please be out of the apartment between say 2 and 4 pm so it can be shown to tenants. A smart agent would not let the information leak happen twice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you would prefer not to have to go find something to do when tenants come to see the apartment, stay quiet. If volunteering everything you know to anyone who might need that information, regardless of your relationship, is part of your moral code, then do it, but understand it will have consequences designed to stop you doing it. Depending on where you live, they might even be more unpleasant than not being home during future viewings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T12:35:24.433" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9124" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9129" CreationDate="2018-01-13T16:41:12.923" Score="1" ViewCount="955" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently learned that I was recently infected with &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.cdc.gov/epstein-barr/index.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;EBV (mono)&lt;/a&gt;. When dating in the past I've never had a conversation with anyone about whether or not we've had mono before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously as long as I'm contagious I should tell anyone that I date, but what's etiquette after that point? Should it be talked about, or is it not worth bringing up given that the vast majority of adults should have had it at some point and should be immune.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11340" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-13T17:25:04.243" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T17:54:44.127" Title="Dating with EBV/mono" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-01-14T11:11:00.167" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9125" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-13T16:47:27.073" Score="4" ViewCount="361" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question begins with a story from earlier today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An elderly lady sat in the marketplace when I overheard her telling the security guard that her house didn't have heating or electricity. I offered to buy her a cup of tea, but she asked me for the number of a local electrical company, and said they'd been with her earlier in the week. I called, but they hadn't been to her address. They did ask some diagnostic questions, which she partly answered. I realised she was not completely clearheaded, and I felt very uncomfortable booking someone to visit her as I had no idea if she could afford to pay. But I also realised that with the whole house being off it's probably a basic problem - circuit breaker, or pre-pay meter out of credit. I explained to her that I'm not an electrician but I could probably fix it. She declined the offer. That's fair enough, but I worry that she may spend tonight in a dark, cold house, when me offering in a slightly different way could have avoided that. It's likely that her landlord is responsible for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to offer such help in a way that encourages people to accept it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to help her directly or either ask her to contact her landlord or to give me her landlord's contact details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7683" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-13T17:03:25.803" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T13:47:02.877" Title="How best to offer practical assistance?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9125" CreationDate="2018-01-13T17:49:47.020" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to offer an answer that doesn't directly answer the question but provides some useful information that may help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer&lt;/strong&gt; I work in a call center for one of the largest utility companies in the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I realised she was not completely clearheaded&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should probably flag this to Social Services. She may not be able to cope with her current situation without help and they are best able to do this. For example, they should be able to find any relatives and ask them to step in, or if she has none they can provide a case worker to help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/social-care-and-support-where-to-start/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to arrange care&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most local councils have a number that you can call if you want to to let them know of a vulnerable person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A random quote from the news:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Many who die in cold weather are elderly and councils have asked people to check on old people and vulnerable neighbours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Weather-related deaths usually number around 25,000 per year - and last year there were more than 34,000 excess winter deaths recorded in the mild winter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has no electric supply the first point of call should be her electric provider. They will run through troubleshooting steps for her to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This call could be done by a friend or neighbour but she must be present to provide consent (because of data protection) during the call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possible causes of no electric supply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Problem downstream of meter&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Circuit breaker trip is indeed a possibility. The call center should talk the caller through how to check.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other downstream issues will not be the responsibly of the provider and the customer needs to call an electrician (or in this case the landlord should do this as it a rented property - it will also be his responsibility to pay).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Problem with a prepayment meter&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again call the provider. See above. They will be able to deal with this and advise how to access emergency credit on the meter and offer additional help if she is unable to pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most providers off a Friendly Non Disconnect Service for prepayment meters:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friendly Non Disconnect Service – your meter won’t cut off overnight between each period of 6pm and 9am Monday to Saturday or all day Sunday if there’s credit on it at the start of the period. These times may vary depending which area of the country you live in&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UK energy providers are not allowed to cut off electric or gas supply because of inability to pay, but must instead offer advice. One example would be contacting the DWP for a Fuel Direct scheme where the DWP makes the fuel payments directly from someones benefits. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least one of the large energy providers in the UK has a hardship fund which may pay all or part of someones debt - but a reference/case number needs to be provided by the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nationaldebtline.org/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;UK National Debtline&lt;/a&gt; so she needs to speak to them first.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Problem upstream of meter (off supply)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is usually also dealt with by your electric supplier provider (they will contact the network operator on your behalf), but you can also call &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.ukpowernetworks.co.uk/internet/en/power-cuts/105/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;105&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;105 is the new number to call if you have a power cut. It’s free of charge and will put you through to your local electricity network operator who can give you help and advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;105 is a free service, available to people in England, Scotland and Wales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can call the number from most landlines and mobile phones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note, the network operator is usually a different company to your electricity provider. The network operator is responsible for off-supply repairs.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="87" LastEditorUserId="87" LastEditDate="2018-01-14T14:49:51.803" LastActivityDate="2018-01-14T14:49:51.803" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9124" CreationDate="2018-01-13T17:54:44.127" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Social Etiquette is pretty standard for this sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are contagious:&lt;/strong&gt; As already stated, the other party should be informed and given the chance to choose to avoid infection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are not contagious but still sick/displaying symptoms:&lt;/strong&gt; This then becomes the same as any other non-contagious illness, where openness is appreciated especially if it starts affecting your life but overall and especially with new partners it is not essential information that needs to be stated immediately. It is still expected that you eventually let them know but it is okay to do it &quot;in your own time&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are no longer sick:&lt;/strong&gt; It is no longer an aspect of your life and there is no expected etiquette to let someone know about your past ailments; perhaps you could bring it up as a point of interest? In your case however, since the vast majority &lt;em&gt;(98% &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.physio-pedia.com/Mononucleosis&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;from what I can gather&lt;/a&gt;.. please correct if wrong)&lt;/em&gt; of adults have had EBV in their lifetime so it would probably be more interesting if you &lt;strong&gt;haven't&lt;/strong&gt; had it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T17:54:44.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9060" CreationDate="2018-01-13T18:01:22.010" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She has mentioned in the past that her previous partners have been &quot;you must do this and only this, if don't like you can't do it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been watching my best friend struggle with this exact situation for a while with her new partner. Her ex was emotionally abusive and controlling. He would say one thing and then pull the rug from under her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Patience and transparency will help. Her fear is greater than her trust right now. It might help to have a conversation about how they've treated her in the past. Right now her baseline for relationships is geared off her exes and perhaps knowing where you stand on these issues will help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your head you figured it was ok to leave early since you arrived in separate cars. She doesn't have the confidence yet to think the same way you do so verbalising your thoughts will help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you open the topic of her exes behaviour vs yours, you should also bring up that you want her to trust you not to be like them. Every time she compares you to her exes, it holds her back from letting your relationship grow healthily. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her what her triggers are. If she has these fears of you leaving her then likely she's also gearing all her behaviour to keep you happy. Hearing positive affirmation goes a long way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Couples argue or disagree so she can't expect your relationship to not have those struggles but you can both be communicative to work through it. Hearing your honesty may be a relief and less anxiety so she doesn't have to second guess herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those emotional triggers may run deep. Please be patient and remind her of your commitment to her. You clearly care about her welfare and hopefully she accepts it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T18:01:22.010" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9131" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9154" CreationDate="2018-01-13T18:33:17.313" Score="6" ViewCount="1235" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will be leaving the company I work for currently in a couple of weeks. I have decided to invite a few of my colleagues that I have worked with and interacted on a daily basis to tea individually to tell them that I am leaving and just say my goodbyes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, there is a female coworker that I am not quite friendly with, but I have spoken to her on occasion. The usual &quot;How are you?&quot; to the &quot;What did you do during the weekend?&quot;. I am quite torn as to how I should ask her to join me for tea for two reasons&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is the first time I will be asking her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not really sure how she will take it, because she may not be used to that sort of thing with the sort of relationship that I highlighted above.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I do it in a way that is comfortable for her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3922" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-13T18:54:00.120" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T09:34:39.760" Title="How do I say my goodbye to a female coworker?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9131" CreationDate="2018-01-13T21:38:48.750" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could try by forgetting for a little while that she is a female. Act like if she has no gender and may be easier for you. I had lived with females allmost all my life (sisters; friends; girldfriends; roomates) and all that they want is to be treated like equals in this kind of situation. &#xA;May be if you think that she could receive a wrong message with the tea proposition, you could skip that step in this case, and only comment to her in a hallway talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11348" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T21:38:48.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9139" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-13T23:06:06.957" Score="-1" ViewCount="565" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am European, and I seem to understand that in North America it's particularly common to use the expression &quot;Person of color&quot; instead of, for example,  &quot;Black person&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that it's meant as a positive expression, that conveys respect, that was used for the first time by American activist Martin Luther King Jr., and especially in the United States, is often associated with the social justice movement. So it does not seem to be an expression intended or expected to show arrogance or superiority towards the person &quot;of color&quot;, at all; on the contrary, it's meant to show respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But doesn't &quot;&lt;em&gt;Of Color&lt;/em&gt;&quot; mean &quot;&lt;em&gt;Non-White&lt;/em&gt;&quot; ? It &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/us/person_of_color&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;certainly&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Person_of_color&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;does&lt;/a&gt;. Nothing more, nothing less, just precisely that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So does saying &quot;Person of color&quot; actually convey more respect than saying &quot;Black person&quot; ? Doesn't &quot;of color&quot; imply that the only thing that matters is whether you are white or not, and if you are not, it doesn't matter what you are ? There are the whites at one side and all the others at the other side, will this be actually perceived as more respectful ?&#xA;In fact, as I would have expected, there are instances where people take issue with being called &quot;of color&quot;, for example as per the second quote in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1685/11347&quot;&gt;this answer&lt;/a&gt; .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to avoid calling people &quot;of color&quot; or anything in general that means non-white, because it would make me feel like I'm coming across as an empty arrogant as I am white, and because I do think that people have excellent reasons to react annoyed to being described as &quot;of color&quot;.&#xA;But at the same time, although my own logic would tell me so, the vast majority of times that doesn't seem to be the case. Apparently it's most often meant and received as respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how do I pick the right expression to avoid an annoyed reaction ? Is the &quot;annoyed&quot; reaction an edge case ? Or maybe that type of reaction is only common in individuals from specific groups, so that this can be taken into account to pick the expression to use ? Or are there alternative and less controversial expressions that could be used instead ? The latter would be the easiest to implement in my case because I already feel that &quot;of color&quot; is objectively a poor choice and I don't think I want to use it anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am thinking not only of cases where I am speaking directly to the person &quot;of color&quot;. I am also thinking of cases where I am speaking with persons &quot;not of color&quot; to whom I still don't want to give the same impression of arrogance and poorly concealed self-superiority that I get when I hear other people using that expression (as a non-American unfamiliar with the usage of this expression).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11347" LastEditorUserId="11347" LastEditDate="2018-01-14T18:06:14.473" LastActivityDate="2018-01-14T18:06:14.473" Title="How do I anticipate whether using the expression &quot;of color&quot; will be received favourably or not?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-01-14T06:54:55.943" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-13T23:37:13.323" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;what's the best way to respond to such comments&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Play the ball back into their field by demanding a silly condition:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Only if you dance - and do it well.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Only for a 100% discount on the gas, bye!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Implicitly, this is demanding something from him that he probably won‘t do, so you place him in the same situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is not the way to make me smile.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is somehow verbalizing your inner state, but could motivate the other person to continue the conversation, which you do not want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I wouldn‘t go further into explanations of why I look as I look - after all, it‘s a guy at a gas station, and probably his intention is to cheer people up - not very successfully though - at least in your case, he may want to work on his methods.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-13T23:37:13.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9131" CreationDate="2018-01-14T03:27:46.597" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few things here point to it possibly being a bad idea to ask her out for tea...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;there is a female coworker that &lt;strong&gt;I am not quite friendly with&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This is the &lt;strong&gt;first time I will be asking&lt;/strong&gt; her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am &lt;strong&gt;not really sure how she will take it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I felt like &lt;strong&gt;I wasn't very friendly to her&lt;/strong&gt; , not as much as I would like and I want to have a light hearted chat with her before I leave. &lt;strong&gt;Its just to make myself feel better&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taken together these really point to this invitation being a bad idea. Particularly that last one from the comments. If the point of this invitation is &amp;quot;just to make yourself feel better&amp;quot; and it's likely to make her uncomfortable, then definitely think twice about doing this at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel you must offer an invitation, think about going out with your close friends individually and then see about organizing a larger group activity. A group activity, like an office lunch or after work drinks would probably eliminate a lot of the awkwardness and offer a lower key environment to say your goodbyes to people you aren't as close to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like it, or not, this also makes declining the invitation a little easier. Group activities tend carry a little less obligation, socially speaking, and that's good in this case. You shouldn't want people to feel like they &amp;quot;have to go&amp;quot; (particularly people who you weren't particularly close to)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-14T03:27:46.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9139" CreationDate="2018-01-14T06:36:51.343" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this question isn't a great fit, but I'll take a stab anyway, because I think there's a nugget of something useful buried in here...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person, or people, of color is kinda meant to be an expression of unity. In America at least, we have a rather long ugly history of racism against pretty much all non-white people. The term POC is meant to unify the varied groups that get the short end of that stick. In this context people, or person, of color is a meaningful term. It's meant to help people who have a common experience of racial segregation and persecution unite to fight against it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But... Like most all language, context matters....&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I live in the US, race is still a very &lt;em&gt;sensitive subject&lt;/em&gt; it's generally considered inappropriate to draw attention to someone's &lt;em&gt;color&lt;/em&gt; unless it's strictly necessary in context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, I wouldn't say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My friend Jimmy is a person of color.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nor would I say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My friend Jimmy is black.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless it was strictly relevant to the conversation. Generally speaking, it isn't, so it's just a random unnecessary detail that's being pointed out. The fact that Jimmy happens to be black isn't anymore important than the fact that he has a good sense of humor and/or some nice tattoos. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often people feel the need to mention someone's minority status because they feel it's an important descriptor... Sometimes it is, often it isn't. Context matters. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was talking about working with Jimmy and how I noticed that our boss was much harder on him because he was a person of color, that's relevant. If I prefixed his color to every mention, because &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; felt it was relevant... well... That's something else...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jimmy most often described himself as black. But at the same time he wasn't shy about noticing how our boss used to treat people of color. Again context matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-01-14T16:54:23.593" LastActivityDate="2018-01-14T16:54:23.593" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-14T11:15:28.360" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some really good answers already, I'd just like to address one point. Your final question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there any specific way I can phrase that request to convey I'm dead serious?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would use some variation of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I cannot say this more clearly: stop it. I do not want to be touched.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more pleading tone would be &quot;I don't know how to say this more clearly&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this conveys both that they have not understood you correctly previously and therefore need to reevaluate your previous interactions, and that this is your last resort before taking other actions. In the case of colleagues that would be complaining to HR or your manager, but I would absolutely warn my colleagues explicitly that I would go to that extreme before actually doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10815" LastActivityDate="2018-01-14T11:15:28.360" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-14T13:21:41.980" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am the boundary-challenged gas station attendant in this scenario... at least for many years I WAS that person engaging in the “smile exchange economy.” I offer you my learned perspective and some empirical data from many years as a quasi-professional smile-pusher. I submit to you that correctly Observing and Orienting yourself to the underlying transaction will give you the advantage in Deciding how to reAct. [hat tip to Boyd, et al. for the OODA loop reference]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BONA FIDES. During college, I worked as a late-night gas station attendant near my urban campus in upstate New York. Because this King Fuels location was a full-service station, I personally pumped all the gas and interacted with each customer. But I got my real start in this smile exchange economy several years earlier as the counter guy at a very popular fish market in South Florida. I have built on this experience over many years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DATA. From those and many other retail experiences, I estimate that out of every 100 strangers from whom I elicited/cajoled/negotiated/shamed a smile I got 75 smiles and 25 alternative responses.  Of the 25 alternatives, 10 were straight up &quot;f* offs&quot; or the equivalents thereof. The remaining 15 required continued engagement to achieve end game. (note: I was only physically threatened twice, and never actually beaten.)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given these risk-reward data points, I offer three observations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The Smile Exchange is Not Personal… it is a Numbers Game. I wanted numbers.  The more smiles, the better. In general, the risk-reward(return) assessment favored my continued, invasive behavior. Society incentivized it by responding with smiles, though specific individuals did not. Like a VC investing and assessing her whole portfolio, no single failure or low return data point will spoil the overall return-on-investment.  Since I was getting upward of 75% ROI, society offered me a positive risk-return outcome.   &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Risk Belongs to the Asker Not the Asked. At least, in the mind/heart of the gas station attendant, I was taking the emotional risk in the exchange.  As your question reveals, opinions vary.  But examining my self-centric motivation, I believed that smiling offered rewards to both sender and receiver and considered that I might even be performing public service—ref. Jan 28, 2015 Fast Company article by Vivian Giang. As a fish monger, fuel pumper, sales engineer, or public speaker, when I ask for a reaction (laugh, smile, shock, sympathy), I believed I was taking the emotional risk, by risking rejection.  Getting a smile, or a smirk, or even a well-timed smart-a* reply, offered me validation.  Selfish and pathetic, possibly. On a slightly deeper level, an additional reward is learning to deal with rejection and handle unanticipated human reactions.  For the cost of a few seconds of ego risk, I could get three college credits worth of insight into human interaction. And finally, in most retail, there is merit in repeat business; smiling customers just might come back. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Cultural Biases Play a Large Role. The relative power of the players and the motives for commentary are important here.  Whether or not others are watching, or the encounter is one-v-one, matters too. I recommend rereading Gladwell’s Blink section on “Thin-slicing”, which is his term to describe the ability to find patterns in events based only on &quot;thin slices&quot;, or narrow windows, of experience. In my Florida fish market years, I was a young man in my late teens and most of my customers were retirement age women from New York. They had the power advantage. Many did not smile automatically, but most appeared to enjoy the game of negotiating for the best cut of codfish, and I didn’t hesitate to include a smile tax in the bargain. At the late-night fuel station, the clients were vastly different, and often drunk, so smiles had to extracted through unusual measures.  I rarely asked straight out, but offered some measure of physical comedy or other personal buffoonery to extract the reaction—think Monsters, Inc for the gas pump. As a father now, eliciting smiles from my child’s classmates seems to be well-received by all involved. The cultural variations among other regions and nations are significant as well, and some segments of certain cultures will not smile, while others won’t stop smiling, even if clearly faked.     &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;CONCLUSIONS. It is each person’s right to choose their emotion and reaction. They are more effective at this if they first master self-control. If you don't care what the asker thinks, then a terse &quot;no thanks&quot;, accompanied by physically walking away, is effective. Conversely, it is my right as asker to try to understand the emotion and motivation of the people I interact with, provided I don’t harm or violate cultural lines. To be effective, I must be both sensitive and agile. Your gas station attendant may be just in the early learning phase. You might consider offering him advice to improve his game. This will serve as both a shut down to his rude approach, and a pay it forward for karma points. Long ago I stopped demanding or even asking strangers to perform for me (mostly). There is a better path.  In any human interaction, I see constant Observe-Orient-Decide-Act assessments going on, sometimes subconsciously. By learning patterns of behavior over time, I now attempt to meet strangers where they are and move together toward a win-win exit… even if only a fleeting 10 second nod of acknowledgement. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.&quot; -- Thich Nhat Hanh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11363" LastEditorUserId="11363" LastEditDate="2018-01-14T13:28:08.130" LastActivityDate="2018-01-14T13:28:08.130" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-14T16:37:29.550" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Life tip: don't spend your energy on trying to change people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of the answers here tell you to do something to make clear to the gas station guy, that he should leave you be. I think that's a waste of effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Being asked to do so makes me immediately disinterested in everything&#xA;  about the person in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I think you are unreasonable here. The guy didn't mean it so bad!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do what feels right for you. It doesn't matter anyway. Shrug, grin, ignore, give a witty response &quot;nah, my face is more comfortable this way!&quot;..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Above all, don't waste your energy worrying about stupid things other people do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11367" LastActivityDate="2018-01-14T16:37:29.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-14T21:34:29.043" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to add a technique that has never failed to get my attention whenever someone felt uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you tell people that you are uncomfortable being touch and are not taking you seriously &#xA; **anticipate them and recap a past experience **. Show that what they are thinking &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; been thought before and &lt;em&gt;spell out the consequences&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will need to tailor your exact wording to the situation but you could say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah, people never take this seriously. Last time I was group hugged&#xA;  I punched a guy/got a panic attack /couldn't breath. It's a phobia and I have  a strong reaction I can't control, sorry. &quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just an example off the top of my head, I'm sure you can draw from your personal experience to get the point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, note that the sorry is not meant to be apologetic and its just conventional to establish empathy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9151" LastActivityDate="2018-01-14T21:34:29.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9131" CreationDate="2018-01-15T01:34:44.787" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;A variation of doctoranna's comment: simply notify her informally during one of your usual conversation. When she asks how you are, you can reply something along the lines: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As you may know, I am leaving the company in a few weeks, so I have to wrap up things here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she just acknowledges the information and politely wish you a good time in your new company, thank her and forget about inviting her. If she seems to express some regret of you leaving, that probably means there is no problem with inviting her. It seems that her being a woman is a concern for you, so you can mention you are also doing this with other colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There are some coworkers I appreciated working with in the company and I wanted to invite them to have a small chat over a tea. Would you have some time for a tea?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have had difficulties to speak to the other gender in the past and worried that my intentions were misunderstood. I believe that being nervous and overthinking it makes things more awkward and that your body language will show it. Keeping things simple and casual will help to make the conversation go smoothly. Don't forget that, even with all your good will, some people will misunderstand you and that's not your fault. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5387" LastEditorUserId="5387" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T09:34:39.760" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T09:34:39.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9117" CreationDate="2018-01-15T01:55:38.937" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I ask if I'm invited to a birthday party?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't, plain and simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the organiser of the party wanted you there, they would have asked. If, for some reason, your invite got misplaced, they should follow up on it if you haven't RSVP'ed (that's why it's always polite to respond even if you're not going).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking if someone's going to have a party, or whether you're invited, just sounds desperate and is unlikely to ingratiate you with anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T01:55:38.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9117" CreationDate="2018-01-15T02:11:25.393" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Can you message him and say something like &quot;your party last year was so much fun! Are you doing anything this year?&quot; You're practically begging for an invite but maintaining a smidgen of self respect by not blatantly saying &quot;can I get an invite?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be more casual about it, go with the other poster above who suggested just asking what the guy is planning for his birthday. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11140" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T02:11:25.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9117" CreationDate="2018-01-15T03:13:59.523" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Inviting yourself or attempting to be invited to a party is one of the biggest social taboos.  It will be seen as disrespectful by the host.  One problem with it is that if you ask if you are invited to a party, and the host &lt;em&gt;didn't&lt;/em&gt; intend to invite you, they are put in the socially difficult situation of having to say &quot;no&quot; to you in person, or to bow to pressure and say &quot;yes&quot; to avoid this awkward situation, but which can lead to them resenting this later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the case even with the biggest parties: weddings, milestone (21/30/40/50) birthdays, funerals.  If you don't want to risk being seen as disrespectful or being resented, don't ask someone if you're invited to a party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some fairly straightforward reasons you may not have got an invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They don't enjoy having you at parties with them for whatever reason.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They don't want too large a party and have limited it to closer friends or family.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They intended to invite you but you haven't got the invitation yet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So while there could be a rejection of you personally, there's a good chance the reason is relatively innocent and not personally a rejection of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is not much you can do, unfortunately, to enquire about which it is now.  The issue with asking &quot;are you planning anything?&quot; is that at this stage, the question can readily be identified as disingenuous: they will already know there's a good chance you've seen it on Facebook already and that therefore the question is not genuine.  And, it's at the point in time when the party would have to be planned already if there was one.  This question is only without risk if you ask it before they are likely to have planned the party or invited anybody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Invitations are often lost in the mail (weddings typically send invitations in snail mail) and people often miss out of going as a result.  You can only really mitigate this as host: confirm by text message or email in addition to sending the formal invitation.  One time, we realised after the fact that a few guests did not attended parties for our kids because their invitations were lost; we'll try to confirm by email or text when we can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T03:13:59.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9159" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9190" CreationDate="2018-01-15T07:30:13.093" Score="7" ViewCount="366" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a freelance since 10 years and I develop hardware and software.&#xA;Usually the pattern of a job is the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A customer contacts me asking for something&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I submit him a quote with the &lt;em&gt;proposal&lt;/em&gt; of my supply conditions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he accepts and signs the quote I do my job&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He helps me to validate the project&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Billing and payment&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some words on point 4: in most cases I cannot fully test the board or the software without some support provided by the customer. I.e. if the board has to be connected to an industrial machine I need to go there with his technicians, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the worst problems I often face is when the customer receives the stuff (pcb or software) but doesn't actually test it - even for 9+ months. And he doesn't pay me because &quot;he hasn't tested it yet&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day he wakes up and requests me to be &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt; available because &quot;my project doesn't work&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, sometimes this is known and expected because as said I actually need to complete the development on field, others he changed his mind in these months and he wants something different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My supply conditions look like these:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the delivery date is guaranteed if I receive all information and support as described in the quote&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;after 30 days from delivery the project is assumed to be completed and fully working if no feedback is provided back. Billing will follow.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;any change to the specifications of the project should be discussed and might lead to extra costs&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(They are actually written in Italian - I apologize for any grammar error).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I point out these conditions in such a situation, these are the most common answers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't care/read them&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The project doesn't work as &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; expect, hence it's your fault&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Because I wasn't able to use your project for N months (well because you didn't use it!) you will be paid after other N months&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;These conditions are not acceptable to me (so why did you sign them?)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you suggest to prevent these uncomfortable scenarios?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course losing a customer is a valid option, but too many of them show this behavior. Perhaps there is something wrong in my pattern?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11391" LastEditorUserId="8597" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T07:44:30.220" LastActivityDate="2020-06-08T08:09:58.510" Title="Writing supply conditions that define customer's deadline" Tags="&lt;customer-interactions&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9160" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-15T08:08:38.247" Score="5" ViewCount="1816" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find that I generally appreciate people's creations the more effort I think was required. To give hopefully an easy to understand example, if someone offers me a drink of tap water I would appreciate their hospitality where as if they offered me a piece of homemade pie I'd appreciate both the hospitality &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; the effort required to make the pie.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so, when it comes to other creations, in particular creative creations, I generally find it hard to appreciate things that require almost no effort. I'm not saying simple art, especially of the type in a museum, has no place. There's a different type of appreciation for people that manage to get their simple art in a museum. Rather I'm talking more about friends, acquaintances, that make digital art that, sorry to use this phrase but I think it expresses my pov, art that they farted out. Nearly zero effort required (say 10-30 mins) and that anyone remotely competent in the same field could also fart out just as easily. They then go around on social media and are &quot;Look at what I made! Look at what I made&quot; and get lots of kudos online for things that are seriously low-effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To go back to the water vs pie example, the analogy is as though the person giving me tap water is asking for praise on how delicious they made that water even though they had nothing to do with it being delicious. Maybe they choose which glass to put it in? Where as the person making the homemade pie actually did need some skills and required effort to make a delicious homemade pie and so it's easy to have appreciation not only for receiving pie but for the skills and effort of the pie creation itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way for me to think about this kind of stuff that would help me feel as others seem to here so I can respond to them in a geninely positive way? To feel encouraging. To feel appreciation. Rather than what I typically feel which is a kind of disgust that someone is promoting their no-low effort digital scribbles? Note I don't generally mention my disgust. I either give a white-lie (that's great!, like, +1, heart) or say nothing. I'd prefer some kind change of heart on my part, some POV or philosophical position that helps me genuinely appreciate those creations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3783" LastEditorUserId="3783" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T10:08:46.930" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T13:10:54.957" Title="How do appreciate people's creations that take very little effort" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-01-15T13:32:39.903" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9040" CreationDate="2018-01-15T08:12:49.463" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I read the title in the &quot;Hot Network Questions&quot; tab I thought to myself &quot;Sexism&quot;&#xA;Then first thing I looked at was your name, to check if I'm right. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the question description and (I'm only guessing here) your gender it is very safe to assume that client will never change his disregard for the opposite sex and inner believes fundamentally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even I believe for myself to be the exact opposite of sexist, racist etc. and I catch myself disregarding my SO's opinion sometimes, but then agree with the same opinion when expressed by someone else ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do to make the situation bearable is (if at all possible) do what's described &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4300564/Man-switches-names-female-coworker-week.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;. Basically switch your identity with a male colleague for any non verbal communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's not possible, its very unlikely your client will stop being sexist towards you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2516" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T08:12:49.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9162" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9164" CreationDate="2018-01-15T08:49:06.070" Score="13" ViewCount="68783" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an appointment in another town, I asked a friend if I could stay the night at my friend's place through a text message. I would like a response from this person so that if I cannot stay at my friend's house, I can rent a hotel room. Normally asking this person for this favor, would not be a problem. And for the question's sake &lt;strong&gt;Yes my friend would be comfortable with me staying over there.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person has seen my message and I just asked my friend. We did not have a conversation before. It was more of a spontaneous text message. I sent this message on Saturday night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know for some people this is an obvious answer, but for me I feel like I am rude when I demand an answer. I want to be nice about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11392" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T18:08:55.330" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T17:39:20.203" Title="How to nicely remind someone to reply to an important message without being rude?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9160" CreationDate="2018-01-15T08:53:10.190" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;As per your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a way for me to think about this kind of stuff that would help me feel as others seem to here? Feel encouraging. Feel appreciation. Rather than what I typically feel which is a kind of disgust [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends, and I'll explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, it all boils down to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the current skill level of the &quot;producer&quot; of that piece of art&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;what the &quot;producer&quot; of that piece of art wants to achieve&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an apprentice commercial music DJ, attending a course from a local pretty well-known DJ and frequenting a local disco very much in order to have even more occasions to learn.&#xA;I'm still on a &lt;strong&gt;very basic&lt;/strong&gt; level, and each and every time I learn something new, I like to record it and let my friends or acquaintances listen to it: but it is not a way of saying &quot;look how good I am&quot;, it's rather a way of saying &quot;look, I learnt something new&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to bring back the aforementioned points 1. and 2.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;my skill level is &lt;em&gt;beginner&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;what I want to achieve is &quot;awareness that I learned a new thing&quot; and not &quot;showing off skills I don't have&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, imo, if those you see presenting their work&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;are big-headed people speaking loud about skills they don't have, then my answer to your question is &lt;em&gt;no, there's no way and you shouldn't even try&lt;/em&gt;, you'd just feed their big-headedness and make it grow even bigger; just remain silent, life itself will dramatically prove them their lack of skills as soon as their ego becomes big enough to start attempting a career that goes beyond showing off in front of friends and acquaintances;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;are humble people aware of their lack of skills and just rejoicing in their learning effort, then my answer to your question is &lt;em&gt;yes, a simple &quot;good job, way to go, keep it up, it seems your hard work is starting to pay off&quot;&lt;/em&gt; would suffice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T08:58:52.400" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T08:58:52.400" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9164" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9162" CreationDate="2018-01-15T09:10:16.690" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;With this messaging habit, nowadays, imo we tend to forget an easier and more direct way to get things done:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;CALLING&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said &lt;em&gt;he/she's a friend&lt;/em&gt;, therefore I think there's nothing (e.g. shyness) that should hold you back from CALLING.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A polite&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, sorry to press you and sorry for already sending you a message, but I have this important [appointment/etc.] and I do need to find an arrangement soon, can you help me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;could suffice. Whatever the answer is, end by apologizing again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T09:10:16.690" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9162" CreationDate="2018-01-15T09:24:39.407" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you've just asked I'd wait a while - probably a couple of days, but that depends on how soon you need an answer and how long it usually takes to get a reply. A few reasons for this - they might need to check in with anyone else who lives there, and check their calendar to make sure they're around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you then don't get a reply, I'd go with apologising for asking again and explaining (briefly) why you need to know sooner rather than later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10464" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T09:24:39.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-15T09:26:06.390" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;An Italian proverb/saying declares that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Il sorriso abbonda sulla bocca degli sciocchi&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Smiling abounds on silly ones' mouth&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Noone is required/forced/mandated to &amp;quot;smile to anyone&amp;quot;. Social good/common sense recommends to &lt;em&gt;be polite and kind&lt;/em&gt;, not to &lt;em&gt;smile&lt;/em&gt;, all the more reason for which this guy's request is inappropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that &amp;quot;[aforementioned proverb]&amp;quot; so I rather keep my smile for worthwhile occasions. Have a nice day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...would be my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T09:31:08.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9167" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9170" CreationDate="2018-01-15T10:40:23.167" Score="-1" ViewCount="239" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am sending my homework assignment via email to a person A, but the response email with a correction always comes from different person B and different email. So I am not sure which salutation should I use.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I keep addressing email to person A, then, in a sense, I am ignoring person B.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, otherwise, it does not feel right to salute person B in an email which has to be sent to the person A.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11397" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T11:48:45.240" Title="Which salutation should I use in email, in which not the owner of the email replies?" Tags="&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-01-15T14:11:50.597" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9160" CreationDate="2018-01-15T10:45:45.850" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don’ think there is any way to teach yourself to appreciate something that you do not respect, and I think the likelihood of teaching yourself to respect something, when at heart you don’t think the creator respects it, is low.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than investing the time in making &lt;em&gt;yourself&lt;/em&gt; less discriminating, can you try instead to prompt these creators to think more about their own work, or even reveal that there is more going on with it than &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; first appreciated, by responding with questions like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;‘At first glance I’m really not getting a great deal from this piece,&#xA;  can you tell me more about what you were shooting for/get out of it yourself/what&#xA;  your inspiration was?’.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach has you offering to fulfil the role of a &lt;em&gt;critical friend&lt;/em&gt; summed up by A John MacBeath of Cambridge University as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The Critical Friend is a powerful idea, perhaps because it contains an&#xA;  inherent tension. Friends bring a high degree of unconditional&#xA;  positive regard. Critics are, at first sight at least, conditional,&#xA;  negative and intolerant of failure. Perhaps the critical friend comes&#xA;  closest to what might be regarded as 'true friendship' – a successful&#xA;  marrying of unconditional support and unconditional critique.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be a tough role, because we are often socialised to compliment our friends regardless of their achievement level,. For some of us though, and I feel your pain on this, it is really difficult to do and feels dishonest and unhelpful. The secret to making it work is judging how much ‘straight talking’ is appropriate in a given situation and ensuring that you are always encouraging rather than only critical. You might end up with a reputation for being challenging, but honest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It isn’t for everybody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, with this approach you may discover, either that they &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; striving towards some artistic goal, or that they were just making pretty patterns. If pretty patterns were the aim (and pretty patterns are a nice thing that can be valid to spend time on) then it should perfectly acceptable to close the conversation on a piece you don’t appreciate with a comment along the lines of ‘Not really my aesthetic, but cool hobby’ or something equally non-committal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If neither response is appreciated by the creator, its also likely that they stop copying you in on their daubings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T11:25:08.093" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T11:25:08.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9160" CreationDate="2018-01-15T11:07:57.217" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say that any recipient's judgement of how much effort went into something can often be flawed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your example of someone offering you pie that was homemade versus pie that was bought from a store - both are genuine offers of hospitality, and in both cases you could say that the person welcomed you and offered you something that they had. I would want to show equal appreciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Continuing this idea - two people may both bake you a pie. One person is a skilled baker and to them this is no big deal. Another is not very skilled at baking, has to follow a recipe line by line, and this is a very big deal for them. The end product is the same. How to you judge the effort?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when it comes to art, which is what your analogy was all about - do you really know how much 'effort' went into creating something? Okay, so 'digital art' is often snubbed by 'real' artists, but is the artist being any less creative or spending less time? To many people who are not skilled with a paintbrush, digital art tools are the only way they can express themselves artistically. Plus in any kind of art, the finished product is meant to seem more free-form than it actually is. For every 3-minute pop song you hear on the radio there have been countless hours of writing, rehearsal, recording and mixing, but in the end the listener just judges it on a few standard metrics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do agree that it doesn't help some people to over-praise. By telling a terrible artist that they are amazing might lead them to do something crazy like give up a decent career to pursue something that will lead to nought. However, if these people mean something to you - they are friends, or colleages/college mates that you want to keep as friends - then there is no need to be harsh. If you are the great art critic then find something worthy of praise within their work and tell them that aspect is good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T11:07:57.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9167" CreationDate="2018-01-15T11:48:45.240" Score="0" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Greet the person you're sending the email to&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes you might have a different person respond but, unless you're copying person B into your emails too, you don't know what the situation is. Perhaps person A is struggling to keep up with their work load and B is just stepping in to help. In this case, addressing B is a rude reminder to A that not only did someone have to do their work but that its assumed that they can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they forward it to B thats their prerogative but there is no need to greet person B yourself unless you're emailing them too. An example being:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear (Title) A,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if you are addressing both people:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear (Title) A and (Title) B,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But only use this if the email is being sent to B as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T11:48:45.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9162" CreationDate="2018-01-15T12:53:29.607" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may be important for you but not as important for someone else. They may be busy, get distracted by things more important for them and a lot of other reasons. In our day and age of hundreds of messages competing for human attention answering your message may be procrastinated even if you remind someone several times. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In his book &quot;Never Split the Difference&quot;, Chris Voss suggests this trick: try to frame the question in order to get a &quot;no&quot; as the answer. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;h1&gt;Did you give up on this?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know why this works but it is incredibly effective: according to my experience this always give you prompt answer unless the recipient really gave up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1906" LastEditorUserId="1906" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T17:39:20.203" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T17:39:20.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-15T12:55:54.650" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll borrow advice from &lt;a href=&quot;https://captainawkward.com/2016/11/12/917-how-to-set-boundaries-with-people-who-think-boundaries-and-hurt-are-manipulative-aka-help-implementing-boundary-advice&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;captainawkward&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are being rude by crossing the boundaries. You don't need to cave in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Here are your 4 new best friends:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;“Okay.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;“Wow.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;“No.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;CHILLY AWKWARD SILENCE&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't owe them a response. They want your attention. Just like a child that does something bad just to be scolded so they can get attention. Actually giving them a response, as some answers here state, is letting them win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Be a broken record. Let them be offended. Let them think you’re being manipulative. Don’t engage in detail or give them reasons. If they won’t stop or escalate, say “Welp, good to see you, time to go!” &amp;amp; get out of there. You don’t owe them continued access to your attention. Leave the conversation and try again another day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Drop the mic and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can’t legislate people’s hearts, but you can hack away the culture that normalizes their behavior one plate of mashed potatoes and awkward conversation at a time. The world needs you to be awkward and make it weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is just a mote on your day. If they think it is ok to force an emotional response on others just to get some eye candy, lets change it one awkward stare at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="452" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T12:55:54.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9160" CreationDate="2018-01-15T13:10:54.957" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the issue here is that you conflate &lt;strong&gt;effort&lt;/strong&gt; with &lt;strong&gt;time&lt;/strong&gt;. If someone gives up their time for you, that is a serious investment and deserves praise almost all the time, regardless of the result. For example, if you had a friend produce a piece of art that was a bit 'meh' to most people, but that took 60hrs+ to create then I imagine you would feel more inclined to compliment it than if you knew it took someone 20 minutes, because this makes it seem like the person didn't try. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The difference is though that time invested can be related to skill level. It's actually a common problem in freelance work. If a better worker can produce the same amount of work in half the time, how do they stay competitive in an hourly billing environment when at the start all a client sees is £/hr and will probably consider you too expensive? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My rather extreme example would be comparing Usain Bolt to Chris Froome. Both are gods in their own athletic field (the 100m sprint, and the Grand Tours of road cycling).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bolt ran the 100m sprint in 9.58 seconds and holds the world record. An amazing achievement. Froome won the Tour de France last year in 86h 20' 55&quot; and looks like he may go on to be one of the greatest grand tour riders of all time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both amazing achievements that took training and dedication to get to the top of their field. Is Bolt less worth because his event was over in, literally, seconds? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ultimately it's not how much effort you think they put in for a particular art work but how much effort they had to put in over all the years before to get to this stage.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your example, the pie isn't just more worthy of praise because of the immediate time investment, but the time investment beforehand of learning how to bake in the first place, and the numerous failed pie attempts that probably came before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to art, consider if you can do the same, and how much effort the person had to put in over the years to reach that stage. If you are naturally gifted, fair enough, but remember someone may have self taught from nothing and so have a relatively low ranking in your mind despite years of effort. That cumulative effort is indeed worthy of praise and reward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4813" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T13:10:54.957" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9174" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9159" CreationDate="2018-01-15T13:22:51.557" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not really an interpersonal question.  But if I answer in a comment it will be deleted.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IANAL (I Am Not A Lawyer)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;project is assumed completed and fully working&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is not the language to use.  You cannot make that assumption.  Something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Payment is due in full 30 days after deliver.  During that period we&#xA;  will fix any defects identified in writing and add any missed features compare&#xA;  to the specification (dated xx/yy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you deliver perform a walk through demo.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Remind them of the commercial terms (in a nice way).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2018-01-15T16:03:55.977" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T16:03:55.977" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9159" CreationDate="2018-01-15T13:27:35.113" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are enormous volumes written on project management, but the basic principles could be employed here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The phase you appear to be stuck in is 'user acceptance testing' (UAT). &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; think they are past this phase and so you (rightly) expect payment, but &lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; think they are still in this stage because they haven't bothered to test it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you give them the finished, working product to test? Could you give them a beta version to test with a dummy database instead? That way they cannot 'use' the product under the guise of 'testing' it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UAT always ends with the end-users 'signing off' the project and then the final product is delivered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You need to make them aware from the start that this phase exists,&#xA;that it has a marked beginning and a marked end. They do not receive&#xA;the final product until they sign it off.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You need to make them aware when they enter user acceptance testing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You need to give them a deadline.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Once signed off, it is up to you if you want to insist on payment on&#xA;delivery, or 30 days later. But it they say they haven't tested it,&#xA;you can show them the UAT they signed off.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presumably you offer some kind of after-sales support, so you can reassure them that once paid you will support the working product.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T13:27:35.113" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9162" CreationDate="2018-01-15T13:38:09.300" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps there is an actual issue with you staying with your friend and this person doesn't know how to frame her &quot;no&quot; answer. To quickly resolve it, call your friend and ask for confirmation, assuring your friend it is ok if other plans are in the way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T13:38:09.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9159" CreationDate="2018-01-15T14:08:57.247" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know it feels like you have the wrong documents and process. But the actual problem is different: &lt;strong&gt;you have the wrong clients&lt;/strong&gt;. Some people are just not good customers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can you do about it? Well, focus your attention on your good customers. Reward them for following your processes with simple things like saying thankyou. Ask them to refer you work from people they know. Emphasize whatever work-getting technique you use that got you that customer. Work with them and enjoy working with them: they read the requirements and pay attention, they test promptly, they pay promptly. If you are up against a wall and have to choose whose work will get done on time and whose will slip a few days, choose the good customer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you take on a new customer, make sure you tell them what you expect from a customer. Not with a 27-page lawyer-approved ironclad contract that forces them to do this, but with your mouth. Most will be happy to work this way. Some won't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone isn't testing, bill them some fraction of the price, say 90%. Tell them there's a 10% holdback and you will bill that when the testing is complete. Tell them you look forward to hearing how the testing went. Then just put it all on the side of your desk, enjoy the 90% of the money, and stop thinking about them. Go get some more good customers. Don't try to &quot;push a rope&quot; with the bad ones. You got mostly paid. Perhaps they'll come back and ask for changes later. OK, you can do those changes if and when they are asked for. Perhaps they'll ask for a change that contradicts the written requirements they couldn't be bothered to read. Cool, that means you can negotiate a price and timeline to make that change. It's all pretty relaxing really. It's stressful when you're taking the whole thing super seriously and want everything taken care of on schedule and they are all &quot;Whatever, I might look at that next month.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might improve a client by showing them they are contradicting a written requirement, and teach them to read before agreeing next time. But it's more likely you might not. You might get a client to test by demanding they pay you, but chances are they'll just pay you and still not test. So learn how to roll with that. Leave them a little holdback (so they don't feel robbed) that can wait until the testing is done. Then relax and move on to your next job. You can't manage everyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And keep focusing on the customers who work the way you like without the lawyer document. Who respect your time and effort. Who see you as a valued partner, pay you quickly (and well), and keep using you whenever they have that need. Those are the ones you want more of. Eventually you won't have any more poor customers, and you won't have a 27 page contract either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T14:08:57.247" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9162" CreationDate="2018-01-15T15:19:14.287" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Hi, just wondering if you'd seen  my message. I'd really appreciate staying with you, but if you can't then no problem, let me know soon so I can book a hotel otherwise :)'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows them how grateful you'd be if you do stay, but also lets your friend comfortably decline if they have any uncertainty, allowing you some time to book a place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, start with kind of structure as your first message, to (hopefully!) avoid having to ask a second time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10766" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T15:19:14.287" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9162" CreationDate="2018-01-15T15:36:14.830" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to nicely remind someone to reply to important message without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's one example of an inoffensive request:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry to press the matter, but if I need to make other arrangements I should start now.  Can I count on staying at your place the night of [date]? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It provides a reason for pressing them, an apology for forcing the issue, and makes the question very clear so they don't have to go through old messages, try to remember specifics, or misunderstand/misremember.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;for me I feel like I am rude when i demand an answer. I want to be nice about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following up is an important part of communication, and figuring out how to do it politely can pose some challenges.  However there's almost always a polite way to follow up on a question or commitment, and it's useful to start figuring out how to do it now and get over the uncomfortable aspects of it.  You'll use it in many more situations than just this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider searching for articles &quot;polite follow up&quot; and you'll find many resources.  Here are a few tips:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be overly polite&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't bring up their inaction or unresponsiveness (&quot;You haven't responded yet...&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't assume any reasons for lack of communication (&quot;I understand you're busy...&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use &quot;I&quot; and &quot;Me&quot; rather than &quot;You&quot; - frame the request as a need you have rather than a failure on their part&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Communicate requirements - if there's a deadline, if it impacts your work or theirs, make sure they understand the limit&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask if they need assistance - (&quot;Is there anything else you need to make this decision?&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use a different channel than the original request - in person, phone call, email, text, instant message, etc&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Supply or re-iterate important information so they don't have to spend time looking something up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T15:36:14.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9125" CreationDate="2018-01-15T16:06:44.107" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;@DavidPostill gives some great insight into the utilities side of things and what to do if you think she's actually at risk of physical harm. As you mentioned though, you're hesitant to call SS without a clearer reason, so I'm going to run &lt;strong&gt;with the assumption you won't do that&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all honesty you've already gone above and beyond to help a stranger. I doubt, based on the details provided, that you phrasing the question a little differently would have changed her response. Let's briefly break it down by level of involvement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You overheard a stranger's conversation and decided to interject. Already that's pretty forward, but your motives are good so it's not like you really went wrong there. Some people might be offended by that, but it sounds like this lady was already willing to discuss the situation with strangers.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You offered to check with the utility company for her. This goes from a casual interaction straight to something much more personal. You're not offering to help fix a flat tire, you're getting into someone's personal life and (as you noted) could even impact their finances inadvertently. This is even &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; forward, considering you've only known this person for a few minutes. This seems to make you uncomfortable, and it should. Getting into finances of a friend is already murky water, let alone a stranger.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're now wondering if you should have taken it even &lt;em&gt;further&lt;/em&gt; by physically involving yourself in the fix. In most situations this opens you up to being responsible if something goes wrong (you break something, are injured, she's injured, etc). This is almost always a bad idea, if just for the potential legal complications.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's great that you're concerned and want to help, but you also need to be aware of how much you're entangling yourself in a stranger's life by trying to fix their problem. Interpersonal relations typically follow a progression as two people get to know each other. It starts with non-personal talk (weather, sports, etc), then moves to personal details (likes and dislikes, work, etc), and only after that would it involve any mutual arrangements out in public (lunch, coffee, etc). The next level above &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; is sharing of personal space (i.e., inviting someone into your home). It's yet &lt;em&gt;another&lt;/em&gt; level above that to trust someone with decision-making, like fixing their electrical problem. &lt;strong&gt;You tried to jump from complete stranger all the way up to the trusted decision-maker in only a matter of minutes.&lt;/strong&gt; Even if you were an expert electrician, that would still be a &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; pushy/pretentious thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that sounds like pretty strong wording, but I'm just pointing it out to set up for this...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;h2&gt;The bottom line:&lt;/h2&gt; You've done everything reasonable to help and have been refused. Unless there's clear and present danger to warrant forcing the situation, it's not your place to do so. You've done all you can, and you shouldn't hold yourself responsible for her situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T16:06:44.107" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-01-15T16:07:05.817" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;First off, I understand all the connotations of men telling women to smile and totally agree that it is pretty much always out of place, as it was in this instance&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However... it may be that this &lt;em&gt;particular&lt;/em&gt; instance was as much about customer/server interaction as male/female.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that you felt as if your personal bubble had been invaded. To continue the bubble analogy; when two soap bubbles come close to each other, they join up while remaining divided, you get a flat interface where they meet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/srPQ8.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/srPQ8.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;two joined bubbles&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Each bubble is still intact but it has a temporary shared boundary. This can be a useful way to think about human interactions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Total strangers passing in the street... their bubbles remain separate from ours, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Strangers we share brief interactions with ... their bubbles connect to ours for a time and deform them &lt;strong&gt;as we deform theirs&lt;/strong&gt; and that shared membrane is where we can feel particularly sensitive to each other's actions.   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Analogies only go so far, but perhaps in this instance as you approached the cashier, he felt your approach as an impact on his bubble and responded, which you felt as an impact on yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I agree that he was wrong to tell you to smile&lt;/em&gt;, but it might be worth thinking about whether there was anything about your approach which might also have felt invasive to &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have said that he 'decided to strike up a conversation' from which it isn't clear if you had already exchanged any kind of greeting. Where I live, it would be strange &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to make eye contact with, greet and probably smile at the cashier when you enter the kiosk or get to the head of the queue, regardless of anyone's gender. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But we all have off days and are sometimes too preoccupied to remember to smooth the flow of interaction with strangers and we waltz up to pay-desks in full resting-bitch-face (which men get too), and sometimes they will give us prompts... like 'bad day?'. often the response to the prompt is as simple as 'Oh, sorry, I was miles away, Hello, that's Pump 3 please' and everyone goes on none the worse. If we  respond with more of a 'why are you asking?' challenge, things can go rapidly downhill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the key in this instance is to consider that anyone working behind a pay desk probably gets a procession of customers to serve who can be anywhere on a spectrum from overly familiar to overly aggressive and that that must get wearing. So, while that is part and parcel of what can be expected from a customer-facing role, it behoves the rest of us in such interactions to deploy our culture's appropriate, respectful social niceties. So our bubble got poked a bit, maybe we poked theirs too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I am not saying you did, just mooting the possibility that that may have been the cashier's perception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T21:51:56.617" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T21:51:56.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7074" CreationDate="2018-01-15T16:42:01.617" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reading your question carefully I think we can break this down into two primary problems:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to appease both parties (security team and friendly&#xA;  co-workers) and avoid being caught in an awkward confrontation, in&#xA;  which I could get reprimanded. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because of this, I feel it's better to just follow the rules&#xA;  altogether. The problem is that I don't feel comfortable with any&#xA;  approach I've thought of on my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you want to ensure that you politely ask those entering the building behind you to scan their fob. You want to do this in such a way as not to come across rude or overly aggressive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Additionally, I'm terrible with faces. It's difficult for me to tell&#xA;  the difference between a stranger and 75% of the people that work in&#xA;  this building with me, even though I see them all frequently and most&#xA;  of them know me by name. Because of this, I feel like it would come&#xA;  off as rude to admit I don't recognize one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want to make sure that if you do not recognize the individual your request does not make that obvious to the person you're speaking to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest using something like the following with people that you don't recognise:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey could you do me a favour and just quickly scan your fob, security mentioned it to me the other day that every one needs to get into the habit on the way in, &lt;strong&gt;[&lt;em&gt;smile politely if warranted&lt;/em&gt;]&lt;/strong&gt; thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't acknowledge them as either a guest, or an employee, it simply appeals to their better nature by suggesting this is a favour and passes some of the reasoning on to a personal request by security.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a colleague you know then by all means perhaps consider addressing them by name:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [Employee name], could you do me a favour and scan your fob. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is short and sweet, you know they work for the company and they should already be aware of the security procedures. Ensure a non-aggressive cheerful tone and I don't think you can go too far wrong. Obviously be as colloquial as you feel comfortable, but there's absolutely no need to make it a formal request; keep it casual but assertive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8451" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T16:42:01.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9187" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9194" CreationDate="2018-01-15T20:58:24.940" Score="8" ViewCount="905" Body="&lt;p&gt;I help a young teenage boy learn English at a non-profit organization where I am a volunteer. The boy is considered at-risk youth as he's the child of immigrant parents and of low socioeconomic status.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;English is the third language he is learning and French is also mandatory in his school (public school).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I noticed from the beginning that the kid has some learning difficulties and though I am not in a position to diagnose the kid, he does show symptoms of dyslexia. However, I have some training in special education and I suggested that he should get evaluated for specific learning disabilities.&#xA;He's a smart kid but is really struggling with spelling and he has problems remembering things (e.g he still can't remember the word &amp;quot;well&amp;quot; in the answer &amp;quot;I'm well, thank you&amp;quot;, when asked &amp;quot;How are you?&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I report to my supervisor, I make sure to tell her my observations and after repeating myself a few times the supervisor reluctantly reassured me that she would inform the boy's mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the most recent lesson, I spoke with one of the psychologists - my supervisor had already left - and told her the exact same things, that the boy would greatly benefit from being evaluated if it means getting the help he needs in school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The psychologist's response was more or less that these problems tend to get overdiagnosed and that she is worried that the boy would be stigmatized for no reason. He already has low self-esteem and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I disagree with the delay in informing the mother and I would like to politely insist they recommended her son got evaluated by a professional to at least exclude a learning disability (even if not severe).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How can I convince them that they need to act sooner rather than later and talk to his mother about it?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was at a meeting yesterday. I spoke openly about the boy's learning difficulties since we all had to discuss our students' progress.&#xA;My main points were that a) he'll be more stigmatized for not being on the same level as the other kids rather than for having dyslexia and b) that exactly because he's bilingual and English is his third language, he needs to be evaluated for possible dyslexia.&#xA;The psychologist's response was that it's best to avoid labels (&amp;quot;he is dyslexic&amp;quot;) and that we (looking at me, though) should be careful about this concern becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.&#xA;I decided to just do what I can on my part (by studying and finding resources for teachers) to help him and be as effective as I can but convincing the psychologist and my supervisor is probably pointless.&#xA;I could insist to an annoying degree but it seems that the more I insist the more stubborn they become about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T17:14:37.110" Title="How to insist (and convince) on a course of action when you are not in a position of power" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3448" CreationDate="2018-01-15T21:36:24.360" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a good idea asking for advice. I might recommend asking your local police for advice. The reason for asking your local police: The wife's ex is armed and dangerous, and his behaviour is frankly bizarre to the extreme. If someone tracks down his ex-wife, comes to her home, to ask her for a loan for FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS (WTF? FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS? ), because he thinks that as a single man he can't live on a cop's salary, that is bizarre. That is someone who may be close to a breakdown and doing something utterly stupid. And if an armed police officer does something utterly stupid, then things are dangerous for those around him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T21:36:24.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8759" CreationDate="2018-01-15T22:18:55.640" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;An innocent or less aggressive way to confront him is perhaps to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Is there something on my clothes?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he replies in the negative, you can follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You were staring/I notice you appear to scan my clothing sometimes, and wondered if there was some lint stuck to my clothes&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may alert him to the fact people notice him staring too long or create an opening for you to find out more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-01-15T22:18:55.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9159" CreationDate="2018-01-16T00:06:52.060" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you suggest to prevent these uncomfortable scenarios?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, your process makes absolute sense from an &lt;strong&gt;engineering&lt;/strong&gt; point of view. But as a freelancer in your field, you have two jobs: engineer and &lt;strong&gt;manager&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interestingly, clients (or generally humans) tend to act on other priorities, even if those do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; lead to what they say they want, at the time they want it, at the cost they want it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, let you as the &lt;strong&gt;manager&lt;/strong&gt; have an eye on that process and design it so that &lt;strong&gt;his&lt;/strong&gt; needs are taken care of as well: &lt;strong&gt;compensation&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;closure&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course losing a customer is a valid option, but too many of them have this behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a business environment where conditions are not much valued, re-design the pattern to &lt;strong&gt;get money as early as possible&lt;/strong&gt; in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;take a &lt;strong&gt;deposit&lt;/strong&gt; of x% of the total on signature, before you start working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;take the rest on &lt;strong&gt;delivery&lt;/strong&gt; of the product, ideally &lt;strong&gt;deliver after&lt;/strong&gt; or at the same time as having been paid the full amount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;include an &lt;strong&gt;after-sales voucher&lt;/strong&gt; for adapting the product to the customer's special conditions within X weeks after completion, worth a maximum of X working hours, plus a 10% discount on your hourly rate for working hours exceeding this limit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I can almost &lt;strong&gt;hear&lt;/strong&gt; the engineer crying out loud that you would not get clients with such a re-designed business-process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But are you sure?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go to an Italian coffee bar, an ice-cream shop, whatever. Before they serve you, they send you to the cash register to pay first, get the ticket, and exchange the ticket for the coffee or the ice-cream.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the same pattern, it is already familiar to your Italian clients, &lt;strong&gt;they act like this&lt;/strong&gt; probably several times every single day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to your scenarios:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, discussing conditions &lt;strong&gt;with the cash already in your pocket&lt;/strong&gt; is &lt;strong&gt;way easier and more fun&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Client: &amp;quot;I didn't read your conditions on the voucher, it says it is valid only till last month!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mark: &amp;quot;Oh, don't worry. I'll make an exception for a good client like you!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; be generous if &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; choose to, and win long term clients without ruining your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Client: &amp;quot;The project doesn't work as I expect, hence it's your fault.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mark: &amp;quot;I don't really get your logic, but hey, let's focus on the solution rather than the problem and get your project up and running. Of course, any liabilities of my work will be covered to the extent agreed on signing, don't worry. And I'll offer you a fair discount on any changes after that as a good customer. What do you think?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Twisted logic, but hey, why not playing the blame game, if it saves you money?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Client: &amp;quot;Because I wasn't able to use your project for N months (well because you didn't use it!) you will be paid after other N months&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;you won't get this with the money in the pocket&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nevertheless, nice logic this one, isn't it. Try buying a Ferrari like this: &amp;quot;Oh, I didn't drive it for 12 months, that's why I haven't paid for it for 12 months and I won't pay for it for another 12 months!&amp;quot; Or at a restaurant: &amp;quot;Oh, I didn't eat those spaghetti you served me 2 days ago, so I'll eat them now, leave the restaurant, be back in 2 days and pay you!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A deposit will &lt;strong&gt;filter out&lt;/strong&gt; clients who are still &amp;quot;ambivalent&amp;quot; on whether they are going to pay you or not. From a managerial perspective, these are the clients you &lt;strong&gt;want to&lt;/strong&gt; filter out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Client: &amp;quot;These conditions are not acceptable to me (...)&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;(this time - with your new conditions in place - before signing)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mark: &amp;quot;Ok, what condition exactly? Let me know so I can see if I can make it easier for you to agree.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mark: &amp;quot;What a pity, I'd love doing business with you, but I really can't change these conditions. But hey, what's bugging you, maybe we can talk this over, and I'll promise you, I won't abuse these conditions, as I value fairness.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you might want to task a lawyer to shape and word your redesigned process to Italian/EU law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me know what you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T00:06:52.060" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9191" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-16T00:34:39.890" Score="14" ViewCount="5611" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last summer I met this girl at a festival. I had this almost instant feeling she's perfect girlfriend material. Turns out though that just a few days earlier she'd fallen for another guy at the festival and they ended up going on a trip afterwards. We did however continue chatting and bonding during the rest of the festival,  talking about personal things such as relationships and feelings.&#xA;Afterwards we stayed in touch from time to time checking in on each other. Her relationship with the guy from the festival lasted a few months. When I found out that they'd broken up I didn't see it as an opening for me, instead I felt sad that it hadn't last since I genuinely care for her .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to Christmas and she let's me know she'll be close to my town around New years in case I want to meet up. We end up having a really good day together and it would definitely have been a perfect date if it was one. Anyhow, seeing her again only solidified my feelings towards dating her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have absolutely no reason to believe that she feels the same way. She's incredibly lovely, both when texting and in person but that's just who she is. Which also is the number one reason I'd like to date her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already decided I need to find out if she's interested and as comments pointed out this is best done face to face.  My question is, what is the best way to ask her, ie what phrasing would I use in person? &#xA;And during what point of the 'date' should I bring it up? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extra info: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We live in different towns and won't be seeing each other in person anytime soon. Although she suggested on more than one occasion for me to come visit and go to an underground club. (She did this as early as the festival so that doesn't mean anything). I also have other friends in her city I could visit and use that as an excuse to meet up with her. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm traveling for 3 months, still writing with her. No calls,  but then again I never really talk with anyone on the phone. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We're both in our late 20s with out own apartments in different cities. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She just went back to school and is strapped for cash while I got a solid income and can travel freely. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11423" LastEditorUserId="11423" LastEditDate="2018-01-20T02:39:27.807" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T18:22:13.687" Title="Best way to tell a new friend I'd like to date her" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9191" CreationDate="2018-01-16T01:10:29.787" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having experience with LDRs, your best move at this point would be to plan a way to meet her again, and express your feelings in person, doing it over the phone should only be if there is absolutely no other way. My SO and i live apart from each other and before i decided to fully commit i took a trip down to meet her and do it face-to-face. Just one man's thoughts here. good luck with this mate. Also, when you do tell her be honest and speak about the feelings that came up during the festival, and explain you were not happy when she broke up with the previous guy and the like, make that clear to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Edit:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah the last paragraph in Newbie programmer's answer happened personally to me, A girl had a great deal of interest in me and so did i in her but i was way too scared to act upon it and only made it known about 8 months after the feeling struck. She told me i was way too late and thinking i only thought of her as a friend and i didn't move fast enough and her feelings were gone. I didn't give the right responses to fuel the relationship in the romantic department.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TDLR: Act fast, Strike while the iron is hot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Update:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for when and how, never do it at the start of the date, if she says no it will be awkward after, do it around the end so it either gives her a reason to exit or for the night (or day) to continue. The words on the other hand i can't really say that's more based on her and you style of communicating. If she's direct then a straightforward question would be good. Style it how you see fit, but always keep in mind that you got to be true with your words and don't change your words or meaning if you think it would get a better response from her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope it goes well mate!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-21T09:33:16.653" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="851" CreationDate="2018-01-16T01:37:48.323" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;They are trying to sell you a service, not do you a favor.  Keep that in mind.  I've had this experience several times (usually with financial services of various sorts, including insurance), and I've found that the best approach is to decline &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; explaining your concerns.  If you tell them you haven't been working long enough to need their service, they'll tell you why everybody needs it.  If you tell them you're concerned about giving them your tax number, they'll tell you why that's safe.  If you tell them you're concerned about their bad reviews on Yelp, they'll tell you why that's all fake.  And so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, be brief, be firm, and leave no openings:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for your offer, but I am not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it.  If they push back, repeat it and add &amp;quot;please do not contact me again&amp;quot;.  If they keep pushing, hang up on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that they are affiliated with your accounting firm, and another answer suggests threatening to take your business elsewhere.  I agree that if they are pushy or violate &amp;quot;don't contact me again&amp;quot; you should  escalate, but don't do it to the person trying to sell you the service; he probably doesn't care.  Instead, raise the matter with the people you already have the relationship with -- your accountant if you have a regular one or the manager otherwise.  When escalating, unless you are prepared to take your business elsewhere &lt;em&gt;right now&lt;/em&gt;, I've found that gradual escalation works best -- you don't want to make a threat you're not prepared to act on, but maybe you don't need to make a threat at all.  Here are some ways that conversation might go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I want to let you know about a negative experience I've had with one of your financial planners. (details)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Thank you for letting us know.  That is inappropriate and we will deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it goes like that, you (probably) get a good outcome and you didn't have to put anything on the line.  (Only time will tell if they actually took action.  There's not much you can do about that.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I want to let you know... (as above)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Oh you can trust them. / We offer this service to all our customers. / That's just how they are. / (anything else that excuses their behavior or downplays your concern)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: They wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.  They continued to call after I told them to stop.  This is inappropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: (anything other than &amp;quot;we will deal with it&amp;quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I am reluctant to continue doing business with a company that treats me this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this scenario you start by raising the issue (as in #1), then stress that it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a problem, and only if they continue to resist do you proceed to the soft threat.  If even that doesn't get their attention, then you can begin the process of moving to another accounting firm on your schedule, rather than having to do it &lt;em&gt;today&lt;/em&gt; because you just said you're firing them.  (I'm assuming that you'd need some time to research and choose someone else and that there might be better and worse times to make a move.  If none of that's true and you &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; be ready to walk out that day, you can be more direct.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T01:37:48.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9187" CreationDate="2018-01-16T01:44:17.597" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's important to lay out the information to both your supervisor and psychologists that early diagnosis of dyslexia is way better then late diagnosis and some data to back it up: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/dyslexia.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Michigan Medicine  University of Michigan&lt;/a&gt;,&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.dyslexiacenterofutah.org/dyslexia/early-detection/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dyslexia center of Utah&lt;/a&gt; and a Hungarian study on NCBI &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26192903&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The importance of early diagnosis and intervention in children diagnosed with reading disorder. Case studies&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also try convince them that he will be stigmatized only as long as he has problems with reading; an analogy with braces, kids with braces are usually singled out until their teeth straighten but after that they are no longer singled out while if a kid doesn't wear braces he will eventually get singled out as someone with crooked teeth and having to wear braces later in life gets progressively harder for self esteem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what happens it's important that the mother knows both sides of the story; Why you think he should be diagnosed earlier and why the psychologist thinks otherwise, and after that she should decide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3689" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T17:14:37.110" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T17:14:37.110" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9195" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-16T02:31:19.893" Score="10" ViewCount="939" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, please do correct me if it is not right/respectful to use the phrase ‘plus-sized’ as I am unsure of how it would be taken as, in other countries/cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I face the situation and have seen people face the situation where, I am sitting on a priority seat and a lady boards the train and stands in front of me. I am unable to figure out if she is pregnant or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am afraid that, if the lady is not pregnant and if I give up the priority seat to her, she might feel insulted (again please kindly do correct me if this is not the right choice of word). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, how can I offer my seat to this person without insulting them if I'm wrong about my assumption that they are pregnant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: In all the situation that I have faced so far, the lady does not feel uncomfortable to stand. They seem fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7327" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2018-12-13T04:46:02.663" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T08:53:12.750" Title="How can I offer priority seat to a plus sized lady that I assume is pregnant?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9195" CreationDate="2018-01-16T02:36:09.973" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I Googled the name Susmitha and it told me it is a female's name, so I am assuming you are a female. Thus, I would say you aren't obligated to give up your seat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you should determine this situation each time while paying attention to the specific person. For example, is she having a hard time standing / does she appear to be struggling? Are her hands full with bags? Would yours be empty? And things like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would err toward the courtesy of giving up the seat if you have any doubt of her ability to comfortably stand, whether she is pregnant or not. This is assuming you do not have a condition or other serious reason requiring you to sit down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3640" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T02:36:09.973" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9197" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9200" CreationDate="2018-01-16T05:35:18.850" Score="-1" ViewCount="455" Body="&lt;p&gt;3 weeks ago, as a customer, I emailed a company's owner for help with a time-sensitive request unsolved by junior staff. 2 weeks ago, the assistant emailed me that she was ill, but intended to answer me. I still haven't heard from her. They didn't disclose her absence's duration, and asking seems too nosy. A cynic would venture if &quot;illness&quot; were a delaying tactic?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to follow up tactfully, as I'd appear more worried about the difficulty than her health (with which I can't help anyways), even if I include good wishes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T17:04:43.180" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T01:15:06.173" Title="How to tactfully chase your case manager who became ill?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9159" CreationDate="2018-01-16T06:26:25.237" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;@michi has excellent points. Those are techniques I apply in my business. I'm not in this field but I experience similar clients on occasion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A deposit is sound advice. Clients will be monetarily invested in the completion of the project. You could consider it a consultation fee. It takes time to draw up a contract/proposal and your time is valuable especially if you could have other devoted clients. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You clearly care about making your clients happy. However, I always assume there's going to be &quot;that&quot; client who makes life difficult. If clients sign without reading, it's up to you to stand behind the contract terms even if it means they're a bit grumpy about it. Wording is important when you're trying to professionally state that due to their own oversight, they're now disrupting your schedule to complete other projects. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I would be happy to look at the work. Since it's __ days past the testing period outlined in the contract, I have other project deadlines coming up but I'll draw up a new proposal by __ and discuss the new deadline.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If for some reason it's an emergency and you're willing, a fee could be applied to fast track it ahead of other deadlines. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, it's tedious but consider reminding them when you hand over the product that they have 30 days as per contract and/or following up before the 30 days as a way to offset any future similar situations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm emailing to remind you that the testing period ends on __. As per contract, if I haven't heard back by __ any nonfunctional products could be subject to extra fees/delays&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, when our clients propose a change, we quote for the additional work or material and they either accept or keep the original design. We'll absorb the cost if there's error on our end but in general, the majority of our clients are understanding of delays. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T06:26:25.237" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9197" CreationDate="2018-01-16T06:42:12.510" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's been two weeks since the last response. You are entitled to ask again without seeming nosy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would reply to the message from the assistant and CC the owner (the one you messaged the first time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inform them that it has been two weeks since you've last been contacted and you would like to be followed up with. Express concern over the illness, and that if it is difficult to handle the request due to the illness you aren't opposed to the matter being passed along to someone else. Don't push for details of the illness itself, but simply express that you would like for your issue to be handled in a timely manner -- but without accusatory or offensive language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are a customer, so you have a reasonable expectation that they should handle your problems in a reasonable timeframe, even if the person in charge of the case itself isn't available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T06:42:12.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9197" CreationDate="2018-01-16T06:42:17.567" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they haven't followed up that the owner will be taking a long leave of absence or passed the case on to someone else, I assume they've forgotten.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not rude to say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Dear ____,&#xA;  I hope this email finds you in good health. I'm following up on my case. Please let me know if I should contact another employee if you're still ill.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're either going to redirect you or be reminded that they forgot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the company is local or has toll free calling then I would consider phoning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T08:13:40.497" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T08:13:40.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9202" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9205" CreationDate="2018-01-16T07:42:50.787" Score="52" ViewCount="26036" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I have a water bottle in my office and to fill it every time is a tiring business. I need to walk to a different floor than I sit and then I need to wait till other people fill their bottles. Then after filling it, I need to come back to my office. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is a colleague of mine who sits next door and comes to my room now and then for discussion. He is a good person and I don't have any other complaint about him. I, in fact, like to discuss with him. But whenever he comes, he would drink almost all the water from my water bottle without asking me! Now, I have two problems with this. First is obvious. As I said already, it is a tiring business to refill the bottle every time. This guy doesn't carry his own bottle and relies on mine (and probably of others') bottle(s). Second, I find it strange that he doesn't ask me whether it is fine to use my water. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to convey these two things to him somehow. But it may look too insulting to stop someone from drinking a water(!). What can I do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="192" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T10:26:11.903" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T18:07:46.977" Title="How to tell a colleague to not drink water from my bottle" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9202" CreationDate="2018-01-16T07:58:13.610" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would argue that it's rude and unhygienic for him to drink from your personal water bottle. Which you can potentially avoid by placing your bottle out of sight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're amenable, bring a cheap water bottle to work (Nestle or whatever you can pick up at a convenience/grocery store). The next time he reaches for your personal one, give him that one instead and tell him to keep it for refills. You can either bring up that is unhygienic, or that there's a bug going around the office and you'd rather not share, or tell a white lie by saying you're feeling under the weather and you don't find it hygienic to share. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since he's drinking from your bottle, he doesn't appear to care about hygiene so he may joke or say that he's not sick or doesn't care if you're sick. Be firm and say you'd rather not risk it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: Arguably this is the passive way to approach or open the conversation. As I am not in OPs shoes, they are free to disregard in favour of a more direct approach offered by other users. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="11298" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T17:47:42.277" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T17:47:42.277" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9202" CreationDate="2018-01-16T10:29:27.043" Score="100" Body="&lt;p&gt;If hygiene isn't your concern (ie: he doesn't touch his lips to your bottle), then you can &lt;strong&gt;ask him to refill it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could you possibly refill it when you're done?&#xA;  or&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Do you mind refilling it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that he's the one to go through the mission, not you, and he'll think twice about doing it again because it's a lot of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, sometimes people like to track their water intake each day. If you are using your water bottle to track your intake, you could ask him to not drink because it messes with your ability to keep track. (Naturally, if you don't care about this, then that's fine. I know that some people do.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, you can just say, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I'd rather you didn't do that.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; You don't always have to give a reason. If he asks why, you can just say you prefer it if other people didn't take your food/drinks without asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T10:37:11.103" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T10:37:11.103" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9202" CreationDate="2018-01-16T11:30:51.900" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can get rid of this guy's habit in two ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Hide your bottle !&lt;/strong&gt; : So every time he comes, if he need water he will have to ask you about the whereabouts of the bottle. In a way he is asking you for water(ie. Your second problem is taken care of). While giving him water convey indirectly with your facial expression that you are not quite comfortable with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Keep the bottle empty!&lt;/strong&gt; : This can cause you a bit of inconvenience but it will work. Every time he comes to your office for discussion and finds the bottle empty, he will stop doing it.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11444" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T11:30:51.900" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9202" CreationDate="2018-01-16T11:39:01.603" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you tried just &lt;strong&gt;putting the bottle out of their reach&lt;/strong&gt; whenever they enter the room? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not leaving your chair, take the water bottle off your desk and put it in the ground next to your feet.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you intend to get up while talking with them, just put the bottle under your desk (which I assume would be behind you while you're standing and talking).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;By putting the bottle inside your close personal space, you're reclaiming the bottle&lt;/strong&gt;, making it clear that you do not want it to be touched by anyone that is not, well... you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if your colleague is oblivious to that obvious cue, &lt;strong&gt;in order to grab the water bottle, your colleague would still have to invade your personal space&lt;/strong&gt; and even privacy by going behind your desk and reaching under it / next to your feet: something that &lt;strong&gt;for 99% of people would be a really awkward scenario and certainly not something to do&lt;/strong&gt; without excusing themselves / giving a really good reason first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say anything or ask why you are taking the bottle away, then you can explain to them what you just said to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2511" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T11:39:01.603" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9202" CreationDate="2018-01-16T12:45:21.260" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've already had some great answers, but I think an option is missing:&#xA;&quot;Hide the bottle&quot; is good, but doesn't avoid that he asks for it. Unless you'll stand your ground, you'll have to let him drink from it again (now when he asks so politely), resulting in you needing to refill it anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'd do is this: Buy a second bottle, fill it with water and hide &lt;strong&gt;that&lt;/strong&gt;. Leave the old bottle where you usually keep it, but leave it empty.&#xA;If your friend ask, tell him you forgot to fill it. Maybe even ask him in a friendly way to do it for you, since he drinks from it a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason it is the new bottle that should be hidden and not the old, is only that he should not be aware that something has changed. If he recognizes the empty bottle as new, he might ask for the old one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11448" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T12:45:21.260" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9214" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9202" CreationDate="2018-01-16T14:37:06.640" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this answer is extremely obvious but...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should really just tell him to stop.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that you want to be amicable to the guy, and that you want to maintain a decent working relationship with him, but your other solutions pose equal problems in measure: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking him to refill the bottle after drinking from it could be just as rude as asking him to stop - if not moreso depending on your business culture. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hiding it from him may send the wrong message - that you would hide something you don't want him to see.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Changing your water-drinking habits may be more 'polite', but it puts an uncomfortable strain on you, and sets up future expectations for you to adjust your own work situation to his comfort.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking him, politely but firmly, to not drink from your water bottle is a reasonable thing to do, and it establishes that you are firm with boundaries at work, but fair and honest with your co-workers.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That, and it's not really impolite - unless you happen to be working in constant oppressive conditions where denying your co-worker the nearest water supply could put his health at risk.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T14:37:06.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9215" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9202" CreationDate="2018-01-16T14:56:37.433" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a little more perspective on the situation might help. So far people have been advising to &lt;em&gt;make the bottle less accessible&lt;/em&gt; or to even provide another one for him &lt;em&gt;without acknowledging the inconvenience&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;strong&gt;Neither&lt;/strong&gt; of those actually address the issue directly. The fact of the matter is that this coworker &lt;strong&gt;is costing you time and effort with zero reciprocity&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any tactics like hiding the bottle, putting it out of reach, leaving it empty, etc are &lt;strong&gt;very passive-aggressive&lt;/strong&gt; ways to deal with it. They don't actually directly address the problem. If you want the behavior to change for the better, you need to meet it head-on with something constructive. First things first: State the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, every time you drain that bottle I have to [spend X amount of time and effort] refilling it so I can drink it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can offer a suggestion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Can you at least refill it for me when you do that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you'd rather they just not touch it at all:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Can you just bring your own bottle so we're not competing for water?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or &lt;em&gt;if you're feeling generous&lt;/em&gt;, buy them their own bottle and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Here, I got you your own so we don't have to fight over this one.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you strike the right balance of tone so that you sound serious, but not over-dramatizing the situation, then there's no excuse for the coworker to continue the behavior. If they do, you just need to reinforce what you said a little more sternly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey I asked you not to do that, please [stop/refill it/whatever you chose].&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get push-back and need to escalate the complaint, go straight to &quot;That's just not hygienic and it grosses me out&quot; or &quot;It's really annoying to have to go refill it every time&quot; (or however you actually feel about it), and refuse to take any further discussion on the subject. There's nothing wrong with being firm about it, this is your personal space and valuable time, and your coworker isn't respecting it, so let them know you require some other solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T14:56:37.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9216" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9218" CreationDate="2018-01-16T15:28:24.977" Score="24" ViewCount="10406" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm currently in my late twenties, I have an illness that requires me to go to see various doctors and paramedical practitioners.&#xA;Over the last 12 months, I went to 7 different doctors/practitioners, 3 of them were males and among the females, 3 of them have made an 'unnecessary physical contact'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It ranges from a hand placed on my bicep or my inner thigh while looking at my face to 'hand play' with my stomach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very sensitive when I'm touched, so it requires me to be very concentrated when I'm auscultated/manipulated, so it may be a usual thing or a thing I overreact on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way to avoid/break these situations without creating an awkward ambiance?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4531" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T12:34:18.153" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T12:34:18.153" Title="Avoiding unnecessary touches from doctors" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9216" CreationDate="2018-01-16T15:52:44.553" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just react by physically pulling away, and explain that you're over-sensitive about being touched.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may lead into a clinical discussion about this condition, but you should earn some level of respectfulness about your condition after this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T15:52:44.553" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9218" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9216" CreationDate="2018-01-16T16:02:40.120" Score="57" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a way to avoid/break these situations without creating an&#xA;  awkward ambience?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The absolute best thing you can do is be &lt;strong&gt;open and honest with your doctor&lt;/strong&gt;.  I would tell them &quot;&lt;em&gt;Hey doc, I really don't like being touched.  I know you have to touch me to do your exam in order for me to get the best treatment, but please only touch me when medically necessary&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may even want to &lt;strong&gt;ask your doctor when he touches you&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;why they are doing what they are doing&lt;/em&gt; during the examination.  This way &lt;strong&gt;you will know&lt;/strong&gt; for certain whether or not the contact was medically necessary. This will also further emphasize your desire to not be touched unless its necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing this your doctor will &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; you have an issue with being un-necessarily touched.  If they continue to touch you without medical necessity, perhaps you can find a less &quot;&lt;em&gt;touchy feely&lt;/em&gt;&quot; physician.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T19:17:26.053" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T19:17:26.053" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9202" CreationDate="2018-01-16T16:40:10.637" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make it a gift to him. Make a big deal about how much he values your bottle and wish him the good health of it (make sure it is full). Then, get yourself a new one. If you want to keep your current bottle, buy him one just like it, perhaps in a different color. If he has any sense of shame, he will get the message. If he does not, then a direct but quiet conversation should help. If not, I would ask for mediation. Hiding a bottle will just inconvenience you more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11464" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T16:40:10.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9202" CreationDate="2018-01-16T16:42:27.570" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;So many other people hinting at passive-aggressive or unfriendly options: Hide the bottle, keep an empty one visible, call him rude, tell him to stop, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an option I haven't seen put forward yet: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be nice, add another bottle/jug and simply fill up two bottles on your trip.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've gone that far - and do so normally... what's the extra effort required to fill two bottles? How much would a second container cost? A couple dollars at most?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the second water bottle/container available... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've noticed you using my water bottle before. I've added a second one. Please use it in the future and, if you are so inclined, help me fill it/them on occasion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is so much negativity in the world... add some positivity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal example:&lt;/strong&gt; I have a terminal sweet tooth and I like variety. I personally keep a large choice of candy and snacks at my desk. I let others nearby (and some not-so-nearby) help themselves. Freely. I've never had anyone &quot;abuse&quot; the situation (noticeably) and I leave a jar for &quot;donations&quot; - dollar here. Dollar there. (I have other reasons for doing this - buying in bulk and not buying at the local stores saves money - in addition to being a &quot;Good Neighbor&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm happier when I feed that sweet tooth of mine... those around me are happier. Good ice breaker. Makes everyone's day better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Addendum:&lt;/strong&gt; Ask management to add another water cooler/fountain nearby. Happy workers = productive workers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="415" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T19:23:01.117" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T19:23:01.117" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9216" CreationDate="2018-01-16T18:48:39.267" Score="18" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Ask them about it&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I've seen a doctor they've been fine with running me through the whys and workings of what they're testing for, prescribing, checking for in physical tests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you're there just talk about how you're feeling, wanting to be kept more in the loop, and ask questions. When they touch you in a way you think is unnecessary you can then ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are you checking for there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps they're checking for a reflex action or some other reason (I'm not a doctor so thats just guess work), in which case they'll tell you...or, if it is unnecessary, they will be made aware and be put in the awkward situation of explaining themselves and most likely avoid that situation in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This avoids you getting in the way of them doing their job if their touches are necessary but still gets to the point if they are unnecessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T18:48:39.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9216" CreationDate="2018-01-16T19:27:54.260" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have 3 kids with diagnosed anxiety issues who also are unusually sensitive about not being touched. We have grave problems with this particularly with older adults and authority figures. The negative reaction the kid gives for being touched is quite often viewed as disrespect, and that can cause a vicious cycle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in the case of doctors it generally isn't near as much of an issue. Just put that disorder and &quot;no unnecessary touching please&quot; on the copious medical history forms they always make you fill out while waiting for each visit. That, on top of a reminder in person at the start of the actual visit should be plenty. Any doctor that can't respect something like anxiety disorder when properly informed about it shouldn't be a doctor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T19:27:54.260" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9224" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-16T19:57:04.030" Score="29" ViewCount="9475" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an Asian female college student. This semester, I'm placed to live with two American female roommates in an apartment suite, so we all have separate bedrooms and share a kitchen and a restroom. I just moved in two days ago, but one of my roommates already started gossiping about me. Here's what's happening&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First day (Move-In): I said &quot;hi&quot; and introduced myself to her. Then, I was busy moving in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second day: After I met her on the first day, I didn't see her until the second day evening. On the second day's evening, while I was on my way out to grab dinner, I saw her sitting in a kitchen. She seemed to be working on something on her laptop. Since I was in a rush to go outside because it was getting dark and also me not knowing her well, I didn't want to disturb her task. I just left without talking to her. When I came back, I wanted to use the restroom but I couldn't find a way to lock the restroom. I asked her if it was possible to lock it, and she said probably not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third day: I was chilling in my own bedroom. Then, she just got back from outside, as I heard someone opening the suite's door. She went to the kitchen and started calling someone (later identified as her mom). Since the wall is very thin and she spoke pretty loud, I could hear what she said (she didn't know I'm in the suite). At first, I didn't pay much attention to what she was talking about, but eventually I realized that she was talking about me. She complained about her roommate (me) for being very bad for not even saying &quot;hi&quot; to her (on my way out on the second day) and only talking to her about the restroom's lock. She emphasized that I'm certainly &quot;not American.&quot; (I don't know what she wants to imply for saying that maybe twice) I just sit in my room quietly for maybe an hour listening to her talk about me. Then, I went to the restroom and she saw me. She seemed to change the topic a bit, but once I got back to my bedroom, she continued to complain about me and noted that maybe she spoke so loud that I overheard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, after she finished her call, I just went outside to talk to her. I frankly asked her if she was talking about &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt;, but she avoided my question, saying that she was talking with her mom. So, I said I'm sorry that I didn't talk to her or started a conversation because I'm not good at starting talks with someone I don't know. She monotonously said &quot;not a big deal, I hope we can get to know each other better&quot; and just cut off the conversation right there, plugging her earphones and resuming her Netflix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I think it's even ruder to gossip than to not say &quot;hi&quot;. I don't understand how not saying &quot;hi&quot; comes out as rudeness according to her standard. Additionally, if she wants to talk and I didn't start the conversation, she could initiate the talk with me instead of making the issue complicated by gossiping. If she did, I would talk. But she never made such an attempt. I tried talking to her frankly but she also just put the chance I gave away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I have options: to stay here or to ask to switch my room (no success guaranteed). Honestly, I wouldn't want to live with someone who gossiped about me from the very first days that we had met and hadn't  even become &quot;friends&quot; yet. However, I'm not sure if it's the right way to solve the issue (by escaping from the issue).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I deal with this situation? My only goal is to maintain a peace of mind at home throughout this semester.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extra information 1: I can certainly comfortably speak English in conversations with an accent, but the fluency is good enough to, say, be a tutor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7921" LastEditorUserId="13902" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T14:44:49.707" LastActivityDate="2020-06-26T10:50:42.813" Title="How to deal with a suite mate who gossips about me within the first few days of move-in" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9224" CreationDate="2018-01-16T20:29:49.587" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;You guys got off on the wrong foot, which is not to say that things might not change for the better (or worse). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very few of us actually stop and try to look at things from the other person's point of view. You're not really doing that right now either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you were busy for those two days. You &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you had good reasons to not interact. So how dare she say these things about you? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now look at things from her point of view: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her new roommate gave her the cold shoulder for &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;two days&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, and only interacted with her when she &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;needed something&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Add in a teen-age/young adult propensity for drama, and away we go. I'm not saying that she's right, but do be aware of how other people may perceive your actions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless I'm wrong, there's also a cultural element to the situation. You see her gossiping as incredibly rude, whereas your own actions are justifiable. However, from the prism of her own upbringing, it's you who's in the wrong, and she's &quot;just venting&quot; to a family member, which she's fully justified to do. It's incredibly important to keep in mind that you're not interacting with this person using the same yardstick to measure the gravity of a situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First things first, you should work on not letting her opinion of you affect your well being  too much. Who really cares what this person tells their mother about you? You'll be sharing some living spaces for a very short period of time, relatively speaking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, try to build a better relationship going forward. If she's rude, call her out, otherwise try to get along to the greatest extent possible. Wave hello/goodbye, even when you're in a hurry. Ask to sit down and have conversations around how to share the spaces you'll be using together. Establish expectations as to noise levels in the apartment, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she seems bothered by something you've done, sit down and discuss the situation. Explain that you come from a different background, and that you may not see things the same way, but that you're always willing to talk about it, and maybe come to a compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she does something you don't like, give her the benefit of the doubt - at least the first time. Don't assume that she's doing it to spite you unless there's evidence to the fact. Maybe she has a habit that really, really bugs you. Understand that she's not going to change who she is for you. But perhaps she's willing to moderate her behavior, even if you do need to remind her not to do &quot;x&quot; from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day this is a life lesson. In the future you will, largely, not get to choose exactly who you work with, etc. This is good practice for the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-01-16T20:35:37.247" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T20:35:37.247" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9226" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9224" CreationDate="2018-01-16T20:38:37.873" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hope you're finding your time in America enjoyable overall. As far as your situation goes, I think the main thing I want you to take away is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There are many reasons to request a new roommate. This is not one of them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please do not pursue this. You might have bad luck and get paired with a roommate who is much, much worse. Rudeness is something that you deal with when you're living with someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step is decide if you wish to make things better between the two of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If you want to be friends&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to let this gossip get to you. This can, unfortunately, be very common. Young college kids can be extremely rude, for no reason. If this becomes a common thing with this person, you may want to try telling her how you feel about it, and maybe explain why it makes you feel uneasy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to be too obsessive about it or put this other person on the defensive. It's still technically possible she did not mean to cause that much harm (though she needs to learn that behavior isn't okay). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be friendly and don't exclude her from anything. Maybe offer to do new-student things like checking out the food or events. See where this relationship goes. You don't have to calculate your entire experience with this person so soon!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If things aren't looking good&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the tough part. No one wants a roommate that they don't like. However, a roommate that you don't like is &lt;strong&gt;by far better&lt;/strong&gt; than a roommate who is hard to live with. What if you were to change roommates to one that keeps the room trashed, stays up until 5am, is really loud, or doesn't respect your personal belongings (food, clothes, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting a new roommate is a gamble that you really don't want to take. You can live with someone and not like them. Here are a few tips for doing that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Always be polite. Say Hi when you see her and Bye when you're leaving the room. Not complicated.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't let opinion get in the way of living. Settle roommate matters as unbiased as you can. Maybe even a &quot;roommate contract&quot; if your school does that (mine did).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't stoop to her level. Don't gossip about her. It will make things worse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't aggravate her on purpose. She can't gossip about you if you guys don't ever interact.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make use of public facilities. Most schools have private study areas, places to hang out, etc. You never have to be with this person if you don't want to, other than to sleep.     &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T20:05:39.857" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T20:05:39.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9227" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9230" CreationDate="2018-01-16T22:46:12.570" Score="-3" ViewCount="526" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say I find a particularly interesting web comic and I want to discuss it on my blog. The feature is the comic, so I want to add it as an image (rather than just providing a URL). I know that hotlinking someone else's image is bad, because they're paying for the network bandwidth of hosting the image, while getting none of the ad revenue. I also feel like copying the image and rehosting it myself is also bad (since it's not my image to copy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the general protocol here? Do I just post the URL of the comic? What about the (unlikely) event that the comic is no longer available? Should I contact the author and ask for permission?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T00:57:21.713" Title="What's the etiquette for posting a webcomic on your site?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-01-17T06:11:23.127" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9227" CreationDate="2018-01-16T23:07:54.490" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would post the cover of the webcomic (if there isn't one put a frame from the comic) and point the source (with an URL or referencing a blog of tha autor o just the name of the web page where the comic is available) while also putting the name of the author at the bottom of the image cover.&#xA;If you want to discuss about the story and will touch content that may contain spoilers, it´s good to announce that however is new to the story should read it first so that the original content may have more views.&#xA;In the unlikely case that the link doesn't work anymore, you should just put something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;    Read the comic [here]&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and change the link if it isn't working anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11479" LastActivityDate="2018-01-16T23:07:54.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9229" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9233" CreationDate="2018-01-17T00:01:04.367" Score="9" ViewCount="2636" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I married my wife 2 years ago after we dated for about a year. There has been ongoing conflicts between my wife and my family, which I will elaborate below. My wife is Korean, I am Taiwanese. We both live overseas. My mum lives in Taiwan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;During the time of these conflicts below, I had a visa passport issue so I wasn't able to travel overseas to visit my mother-in-law nor go back to my home country.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am now visiting my Korean mother-in-law in 2 days. My mum was originally going too with flight booked but she got pissed off about an Uber incident (explained below) so she cancelled her flight because she doesn't want to recognise my marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Conflicts&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Meeting between mums&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mum wanted to visit my wife's mum (her father has passed away) right after we got married. However, her mum originally disapproved our marriage so it wasn't a good time to visit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few months, her mum began to recognise our marriage. My mum, again, wanted to visit her. Her mum's response was that she's very busy with work during summer and it's best to visit during winter since she has no work during that time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Winter in Korea is very cold, so my mum much prefers to visit in summer even just for 30 minutes. At that time, my wife told me she doesn't want to push her mum too much for the meeting as she's already stressed about work. On my mum's end, she doesn't understand why her mum can't even spare 30 minutes to meet the parent of her son-in-law. My mum felt very offended at that time. I tried to express to my wife that this doesn't really make sense but she was very upset at that time I kept pushing for the meeting. My mum even grew suspicious about why her mum didn't want to meet immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, I didn't think it was necessary to push for the meeting, however I also felt weird why a 30 minutes meeting would be difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the way I handled this back then was that I tried to make both parties happy (which I know now is wrong). I tried to find explanations for my mum why her mum felt it difficult, and at the same time tried to talk my wife into the 30 minutes meeting. But it didn't work out. I think they both didn't understand each other as a result and the meeting didn't happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Learn Chinese conflicts&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ever since I got married, my mum has been pushing me to teach my wife Chinese so she can speak to her. I have told her many times that I will teach her at my own pace, considering she also needs to focus on English as my wife and I live in a English-speaking country. However, my mum would try to call us through chatting app every now and then and request to speak to her. If my wife didn't show much improvement in speaking Chinese, my mum would complain she is not learning much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife actually is interested in Chinese but felt it was too pressure from my mum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, again, tried to please both parties. I tried to convince my wife to just 'pretend' you learn few new words each time you talk to her. At the same, try to tell my mum maybe not pressure too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, I totally think my mum should just back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Chatting app conflict&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the second year, my wife started sending some photos of us to my mum and my mum would send some text back for me to translate. I thought it was a good way for them to connect since they have difficulties talking with each other. However, my mum accidentally sent some photos of my ex with my sister traveling in Japan together (my ex and my sister remained friends). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife was very upset about the photos and replied to her 'Thanks for the photo but please do not send Ray's ex-girlfriend's photo as I don't feel very good' and deleted the chatting app. My wife also started a huge arguments with me as the first time I said was she probably sent those by accident (maybe she felt I was siding with my mum).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally think deleting the chatting app was her way to stand up for herself cause back then I often didn't seem to have my own opinions and I was easily influenced by what my mum said about my marriage. However, the way she handled it was very extreme.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mum was very unhappy that my wife deleted the chatting app for those photos because she said she didn't send those intentionally. She just wanted to show traveling photos of my sister and she didn't pay attentions to who else were in those photos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They seemingly apologised to each other last time my mum visited. My mum told her she sent those by accident and if that had offended her she is sorry, my wife told her she was too sensitive and she is sorry too. However, my mum was still upset about it and brought it up many times after that (because she thinks my wife did not apologise first).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, I think my wife overreacted but I somehow could understand why she handled it that way to protect herself as often I don't always protect her first between my family and her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sister's Uber conflict&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time we moved, my sister was moving in with us temporarily (she was staying for 2 weeks). Because her furniture didn't fit in her room, she had to put her furniture into a storage bit far from where we were moving to. The weather was pretty bad that day, raining heavily and quite windy. After my sister has put her stuff into storage, she called me up to ask me if I could pick up her as the trains weren't operating and she didn't really want to take the bus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that time, I would've gone to pick her up but my wife told me we still had a lot to unpack and she wanted to finish unpacking over the weekend as I will be very busy doing overtime the next week (there was a huge project due at my work at that time) and she wouldn't know how to unpack my clothes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I caved in and told my sister to take an Uber. She was not happy of course and questioned me if this is my wife's opinion. I stupidly told her yes. My mum was incredibly upset after hearing the story from my sister and blamed my wife for giving me 'bad' influences. I felt really guilty at that time and apologised to my family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, thinking back, I would pick up sister up because I was happy to and find alternative solution for the unpacking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Psychologist and books&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can see, I was often torn between my family and my wife. I was really depressed and didn't know what to do. I started finding helps from books and psychologists. I read a little of &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0762415339&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;'No more Mr. Nice Guy'&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0553381407&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;'Toxic Parents'&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0553447718&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work'&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My current conclusion after seeing &lt;em&gt;psychologists&lt;/em&gt; and reading &lt;em&gt;books&lt;/em&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I was too influenced by what my mum or my wife thinks in conflicts like those. I should focus on how I actually feel and express my opinion even that leads to arguments with wife or disappointments of mum.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I focus too much on making others happy. I should ask myself if I am happy. Follow what makes myself feel fulfilled and happy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I was too afraid of arguments, divorce, guilt and disappointments from other people. I was always afraid to express my true feeling because I would be afraid to argue, afraid my marriage would break, afraid of the guilt I would feel to stand up to my mum, afraid of the disappointments my mum would have if I set boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I was too afraid to set boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Current&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am not talking to my mum too much and I've told her I am already an adult and wished to handle my marriage on my own. (Before, she would call me often to push for a divorce). She is still upset over what happened before and has told me she won't recognise my wife as her daugher-in-law until she dies because my wife 'bullied' my sister for telling her to take Uber. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I am not too afraid of the guilt messages she sends me these days such as 'I cried all night', 'I am so disappointed in you', 'you disappointed me like your father' (my parents divorced), 'I can't believe you married with someone as terrible as that'. I just choose how I react to these comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still sent her flowers and card on her birthday. She is still my mum and I appreciated what she has done for me, but I felt she was getting way too involved with my marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have been a lot more expressive about what I think is right or wrong with wife and she has been adapting quite well somehow. She would say sorry to me and often we work out a mutual agreement. I feel a lot better because I was no longer afraid and I think expressing would help my wife respect me more.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is.. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is it actually necessary to help them, some days, see eye to eye? How I feel about it is: If I keep doing what I am doing, my mum will respect my marriage and my wife more and gradually she will accept my marriage and my wife. Also, my wife will respect, accept my family more and feel more protected (since I am now expressing how I feel more, not afraid to stand up to my mum).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The psychologist said maybe at some point I need to have a conversation about this damaged relationship with my family and my wife, but the timing is very important.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it is important to restore this damaged relationship, am I now doing the right thing? How would I go about it?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;UPDATES(6/02/2018):&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went to South Korea to meet my wife-side's in-laws and they were really welcoming and lovely. During the trip, I finished reading &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0060507853&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage&lt;/a&gt; by Susan Forward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The book has helped me tremendously to see that my mother has been making countless unreasonable requests, overstepping boundaries and attempting to control decisions in my marriage... such as protesting about where our baby should be born ( she even made remarks such as &quot;I won't allow my grandkid to be born in Korea, that's not right&quot;), belittling my wife when she quitted her job to focus on studying English for few months (she made contemptuous comments about how the money come from my earning anyway when we gave her some money as birthday gift, which was not true because we already saved it together before she quitted), and disparaging my wife's personality as a cruel, disrespectful person whenever she talked about how she got married with me at the beginning without her family's permission. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly I have allowed her to do so in the past, but no more. I also admit that the cause and continuities of their attitude toward my marriage is also my responsibilities. I did not communicate and express myself clearly where I stand in the whole mess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I can clearly see why my wife has pushed back the way she did because I have been too meek to protect our marriage fortress. I was too afraid to upset my family and putting my family's priority above priorities for my marriage or for my wife's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I am aware that we have rights to protect our own mental health, to express our own beliefs, feelings, opinions, convictions, values, and traditions. To state what we stand for and state what we are willing and unwilling to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Allowing yourself to be treated badly is much too high a price to pay to keep people from getting upset with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I highly recommend anyone who has in-laws problems in your marriage to read this book by Susan Forward. It has helped me immensely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10963" LastEditorUserId="10963" LastEditDate="2018-02-11T23:17:44.613" LastActivityDate="2018-02-11T23:17:44.613" Title="How to restore harmony between my family and my wife or is it necessary?" Tags="&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9230" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9227" CreationDate="2018-01-17T00:57:21.713" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should always provide the source or author, unless specifically stated that it is is not needed to do so, such as under certain licenses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is an example license of &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/YFZTe.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;xkcd.com&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Creative Commons License&#xA;  This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 2.5 License. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This means that you are free to copy and reuse any of my drawings (noncommercially) as long as you tell people where they're from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That is, you don't need my permission to post these pictures on your website (and hotlinking with  is fine); just include a link back to this page. Or you can make Livejournal icons from them, but -- if possible -- put xkcd.com in the comment field. You can use them freely (with some kind of link) in not-for-profit publications, and I'm also okay with people reprinting occasional comics (with clear attribution) in publications like books, blogs, newsletters, and presentations. If you're not sure whether your use is noncommercial, feel free to email me and ask (if you're not sure, it's probably okay).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally it is possible to use parts of a source without having digital right concerns. For instance, you can post one frame of the comic with the link to the source where the full content can be watched. Or you can quote a sentence. You can upload a part of a movie. What you can't do is displaying it as a whole in full quality. By using only a part and providing the link to original source you may actually benefit the original author. When in doubt you should ask the original author for permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, an &lt;a href=&quot;https://xkcd.com/553/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;XKCD comic&lt;/a&gt; does not need permission as long as it's not for commercial use. So, you cannot use it for printing T-shirts, but you can use it for educational purposes. In the description of the picture it is a good idea to include the author or source.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/YFZTe.png&quot; alt=&quot;xkcd.com&quot;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T00:57:21.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9232" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-17T03:14:53.963" Score="11" ViewCount="2191" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a 16 year old in high school and due to various opportunities (namely being homeschooled) I have been able to take many courses at a local college.  Until recently I have been taking one class per semester which means that I pop up for class and effectively disappear afterwards which reduces my contact with other students.  I look much older than I am and have at times been mistaken for a 20 year old student.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently I began an almost full time load and have been having a little bit more interaction with students.  I am not a particularly social person and am completely fine with the fact that I have zero friends and acquaintances but recently some of the students have been becoming a little too friendly (for my liking.  Perfectly normal college student behavior though).  I can handle the &amp;quot;hello how's life&amp;quot; style of comments/questions but a few examples of what is really awkward for me in particular are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A few girls have come up to me and (I believe genuinely) asked me out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have been invited to join study groups of various sorts which are essentially social opportunities while studying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have been invited to parties at students's houses and dorm rooms&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all three of these cases I have had no interest whatsoever in participating (along with my parents most definitely not letting me go) but the other student had no way of possibly knowing that I wasn't the average student and in the end they all turned away awkwardly and disappointed.  I would like some suggestions about both these specific situations and other similar situations as to how to alert them of these facts without appearing harsh or angry and prevent any future communications in class from being awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify, I enjoy talking to these people and do not want to lose them as friends or make our relationship awkward while also very strongly communicating the fact that I do not have all of the freedoms of a college student.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11484" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T15:52:16.000" Title="How to respond when someone that doesn't know my age invites me to something I can't do" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9233" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9229" CreationDate="2018-01-17T03:50:55.363" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;My background is a first gen CBC (Canadian born Chinese). The context of my answer and observation is based on the generation of my immigrated family members from Taishan/HK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I have observed, you're trying to repair the relationship between two people who may not have reached the point where they willingly want to do this. Not just half heartedly and then bring up past grievances&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're actively seeing a psychologist, I would say this places you in a position of self realisation. You came to some good conclusions after reading the books and seeing psychologists. You can change your reactions and actions but you can't force two people to come to an agreement if they are not mentally prepared for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mother and wife are at odds (and possibly other family members are taking sides). You are in the middle. When your psychologist mentioned bringing it up with your family, I hope they mentioned that it may be possible that neither of them will come to the same realisations you have. Or that it take a very long time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's necessary for you to continue your growth and to firmly stand your place. You are your mother's son but you are also your wife's husband. You can be both. They seem to be using you as an excuse to continue the conflict. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Example: the uber situation. Is no one questioning the fact that you are your own person and could have gone to pick up your sister or that you could decide not to when you are already under stress at work and moving? Your wife brought up a good point so you decided to stay home. You are not a taxi service and while it's nice to do things for families, you choose your actions, not your wife or mother. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is unfair for any family member to ask you to take sides when the adversity is between the two of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would avoid bringing up specific grievances as it will derail the situation at hand. All they will focus on is who insulted who rather then just letting it go. Neither of them are bad people but they are making you feel terrible. Likely they will try to blame the other for making you feel this way. Be open and firm that they both play a part in this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Challenge your mother in her opinions and criticisms. Challenge her to ask herself why people can't make mistakes or amends. With your wife trying, it makes your mother look stubborn. Challenge her as to why everyone has to do things on her terms. (Meeting your mother in law, and learning Chinese). You don't want to pick sides but what does she think to gain in this conflict? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering the generations, your wife appears more receptive while your mother is clearly dealing with more than just your marriage. If her divorce was messy, she could be using built up resentment to blame your wife for problems. You've already mentioned that she's too involved in the marriage. While I believe that family comes with marriage, there should be a mutual respect and understanding that she can't have everything her way. If she's lonely then she could feel like she needs to make sure you don't end up in her situation or maybe feels like she's losing her son. That's not true at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think if your wife is willing to grow and be amicable towards your mother, then eventually your mother has no leg to stand on. She's being the classic stubborn parent who would rather fester over family conflicts than to flourish and celebrate that she gained a daughter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that there is a difference in making yourself heard versus being understood. Sometimes it is more important that they hear what you're feeling rather than understand it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other language I would use is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When this happens, I feel...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You did this and I'm angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're trying to express how the situation or certain conflicts make you feel rather than lay blame. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; You may encounter defensive reactions if you use the &quot;I feel...&quot; because they may think you are blaming them. That's not the case. I would follow up with &lt;em&gt;&quot;You may not have intended to do that or say that but it still made me feel...&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not trying to point fingers but to encourage communication. They may not understand and they don't have to. Your feelings are valid regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="11298" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T01:56:14.133" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T01:56:14.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9229" CreationDate="2018-01-17T04:10:23.877" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well-described problem, Ray.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your psychologist was right. You should define boundaries, and not cave in to repeated requests. So, your conclusion after reading all those books was right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you have already managed the boundary issue with your wife, all you need is your mum to respect your choice of spouse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this problem with mums thinking their son's partner choice is not good enough happens quite a lot. A possible explanation why your mum does this is because she wants to be needed. Also, she might feel like it is a competition for your love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are solutions to each case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;make clear there is no competition. That you love your wife no matter what happens.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;affirmation: make your mum feel precious by confirming the good qualities she has different from your wife. Do the same for your wife. They both have different good qualities.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;consequence: communicate to your mum that if she keeps disrespecting your choice, you will break off contact with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;feelings: communicate your feelings not only with your wife. But also to your mum: how do you feel, how does her behavior make you feel. Yeah, she may cry. But aren't your emotions important as well?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have your wife and mum meet eye-to-eye you should give a heads-up first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How I see it talking about the damaged relationship can work, but it can also go wrong, especially if the three of you are in the same room. It can become a war where they both want you to choose sides. Safer would be to talk to them in isolation until things have calmed down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is only part of the solution. You have to remember the relationship dynamics between two people is different from that of three or more people. Your sister could also be part of the solution as a 'neutral' entity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T04:10:23.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9235" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-17T05:33:55.917" Score="8" ViewCount="1314" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, a woman accused a celebrity of sexually assaulting her. Her account has been widely criticised as not describing sexual harassment, but simply describing a bad date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://mobile.nytimes.com/2018/01/15/opinion/aziz-ansari-babe-sexual-harassment.html?referer=https://www.google.co.uk/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;One of the articles commentating on her account&lt;/a&gt; links to a &lt;a href=&quot;https://yougov.co.uk/news/2017/11/01/sexual-harassment-how-genders-and-generations-see-/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;YouGov poll asking what actions constitute sexual harassment&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key statistics that worry me are that 34% of women consider a comment on their looks to be always or usually sexual harassment, and that 5% consider consider a man asking them out for a drink to be sexual harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was under the impression that these were standard flirting techniques, and that asking someone out for a drink was a common date suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.vox.com/identities/2018/1/16/16894722/aziz-ansari-grace-babe-me-too&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Vox says&lt;/a&gt;, “Perhaps what is especially threatening about Grace’s story is that it involves a situation in which many men can imagine themselves.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to avoid false sexual harassment accusations when flirting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="30" LastEditorUserId="30" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T08:26:56.587" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T11:29:24.647" Title="What are sensible dating precautions to avoid accusations of sexual harassment?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="14" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-17T11:43:02.803" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9236" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9235" CreationDate="2018-01-17T05:55:57.403" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As with a lot of things, context is everything. If you are doing these things out of the blue, jumping past any boundaries that were set, and so on - people aren't going to give you a positive enthusiastic response. Be okay with hearing the word no, or being told your advance isn't wanted or isn't welcomed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't assume that everyone ever is going to report everything ever as sexual assault. If you go into it with that idea that it is going to backfire so badly that that might be a potential response to your actions...maybe you should reconsider the actions, no? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get there is always that element of risk when you're with someone new or someone you don't know how to read, or in a situation that's not familiar. I know there is always that risk that you think things are going well and they're really not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Check in. Ask your date/potential date/flirtation target how they feel about things. Ask them if they're okay with a thing. Give them options and ways out and if they choose to make an exit/turn you down/tell you something's not appropriate, stop whatever it is. Respect their choices, even if you don't like them (because yeah, rejection sucks, unfortunately). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, don't go into it second guessing yourself and effectively also demonizing people - don't treat it as a battle you have to arm yourself for or protect yourself from - that's a surefire way for terribleness to happen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/alexandraerin/status/953309128323227648&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;tweet thread&lt;/a&gt; has some good advice on basically, treating it like you're having guests over to your house for a party. Be on your best behaviour, check if people need anything, make sure people know where the bathroom is, etc. (The whole thread is very much worth reading). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T05:55:57.403" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9232" CreationDate="2018-01-17T06:04:50.323" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the hardest things about this is people's tendency to assume, lacking any other evidence, that the people they encounter in a situation (such as college) are of a similar age/background/what have you - they assume that you &quot;fit&quot; in the broadest sense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So naturally, their first instinct is going to be to assume you're one of them, age wise and life-situation wise. That's perfectly understandable - I'd certainly not expect a 16 year old to be at my university, when I was attending. At that age, there's not a lot physically that sets you apart, so that's not an easy way for them to tell at first glance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I think honesty might be the best policy here. A simple, &quot;thanks for inviting me, but I'm not able to go&quot; might suffice. Or you can mention &quot;hey, that wouldn't work because I am 16 and thus underage, but thanks for thinking of me&quot;. Or things like that. Work it in as naturally as you can - chances are they just haven't considered the possibility. They might react with some shock because, well, like you mentioned, it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; unusual, but once the novelty wears off, I suspect they'll just go back to treating you like you're one of them, but now they have a better idea of where your boundaries are, so to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T06:04:50.323" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9216" CreationDate="2018-01-17T06:29:56.367" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell them.  They'll discuss it a little with you, maybe, and then they should annotate your chart.  And then it shouldn't happen again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This worked for my wife - though with a dentist not a doctor.  She had a dentist + hygienist (in same office) who - hard though it is to believe - used to drop their tools on her chest while working.  I mean, they did it to me too.  I can't figure out why this particular dentist + hygienist - generally upscale and reputable - thought it was acceptable.  I thought it was icky though I didn't raise an objection but my wife was (understandably) quite upset. As in, extremely incandescently upset. She never went back to that dentist + hygienist and immediately told the new one not to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And hasn't had a problem since.  It was notated in her chart, as I said, so they're reminded of it each visit.  And she's done it at each subsequent dentist too, no problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3641" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T06:29:56.367" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9241" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-17T08:00:46.600" Score="0" ViewCount="374" Body="&lt;p&gt;What is a good polite way to handle being interrupted while talking in a group and regain focus, interest, and conversational confidence from the others?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11177" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T13:58:31.863" Title="How to handle being interrupted" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-01-17T09:59:59.740" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9241" CreationDate="2018-01-17T08:17:30.543" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I normally &lt;em&gt;interrupt back&lt;/em&gt; immediately with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Err... wait... sorry... let me finish this one first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Interrupting the interrupter makes the interrupter feel the same as you did;&lt;/em&gt; also, in that example I used a non-aggressive and polite terms like &quot;sorry&quot; and &quot;LET me finish [...]&quot; (rather than &quot;I WANT to finish [...]&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T11:26:22.213" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T11:26:22.213" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9243" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9241" CreationDate="2018-01-17T08:26:50.883" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;That depends on the type of interruption.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you have an interruption due to a question you should answer that question and continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is an interruption which contributes to your topic it is possibly because the others want to show interest. Say something to connect to that. &quot;That’s why I brought it up.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it an unrelated interruption it is important to pick up the topic again  keeping your intonation friendly but expressive. &quot;I’m not quite finished yet&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neutral Phrases to continue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting back to what I was saying…&#xA;Where was I?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2653" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T08:26:50.883" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9224" CreationDate="2018-01-17T08:48:10.390" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You want to maintain peace? Make a connection to her. Food is a good possibility to break the ice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you observed her drinking coffee, eating some sweets or pizza. Try sharing something with her. And then say something to clear things up. You both made mistakes but if you want to resolve this, let it go. Do not focus on what happened before. Just say you both had a bad start and you would like to have a good connection to her. If she denied to share with you maybe you can try again after stating your intentions. &quot;Please help yourself.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you know some exotic sweets or dishes she does not know? Tell her what you like food-wise and maybe both of you have something in common.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2653" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T08:48:10.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9241" CreationDate="2018-01-17T09:03:31.067" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it may depend on several factors :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did the interrupter do it to bring another related point/share its experience related to what you're talking about ?&#xA;If so, you'd better use that at your advantage to enrich your opinion on the topic. You can also thank the interrupter, while actually informing them that interrupting someone is rude :&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was exactly going to talk about that after my current point, thanks for bringing it up. Now for what I was saying ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the interrupting person's sayings aren't related to your point, do you have the feeling that they interrupted you knowingly ? If so, my best advice would be to do it &lt;strong&gt;non-aggressively&lt;/strong&gt; :&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you mind if I finish my story first ? I'm sure you'll be able to take up on what I've said afterwards !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you think that they didn't do it voluntarily, chances are they're not even realising they're being rude. Turn it into a joke. This way people will laugh it off, but still realize it was rude and inappropriate&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I was actually telling something. Am I &lt;strong&gt;this&lt;/strong&gt; boring ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you actually had the attention of people when you were talking ? If so, use it to your advantage. A simple eye-contact exchange with someone who was listening to you can be enough to create a funny situation. At best, the interrupter will overhear you and stop talking. At worst, you can still finish your story with the people who actually were listening from the beginning.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;addressed to a specific person who kept on listening :&lt;/em&gt; well, it seems like [person] isn't &lt;strong&gt;that&lt;/strong&gt; interested so I'll just finish this with you : [end of the story]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9203" LastEditorUserId="9203" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T13:58:31.863" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T13:58:31.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9235" CreationDate="2018-01-17T09:04:59.883" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As Ash says, the reports of sexual assaults are in the minority.  You can reasonably assume that if you're not an overbearing jerk on your date, then your partner won't report you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's reasonable to assume that if someone dates a celebrity and it doesn't turn out well, then there's a chance of a quick buck in selling their story (again, this is probably a minority of cases, but I'm sure it happens).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The poll you've quoted is of course a response to people answering these questions while being questioned by a pollster.  The figures here&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;34% of women consider a comment on their looks to be always or usually sexual harassment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are out of context in a dating scenario.  The confines of the questions state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;YouGov asked respondents about 12 actions and asked whether they would consider each to constitute sexual harassment &lt;strong&gt;if done by a man to a woman who was not his friend or romantic/sexual partner&lt;/strong&gt;. Many of the actions are very obviously sexual harassment, but some could be considered grey areas&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, when you're starting out dating, you can't be classes as a &quot;sexual partner&quot;, but dating someone puts you in the &quot;friend&quot; segment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly, as part of your date, you should compliment your partner on their looks/clothing choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T09:04:59.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9224" CreationDate="2018-01-17T10:46:33.837" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see too much issue with the &quot;venting&quot; of her anger to a family member &lt;em&gt;whom you'll likely never meet and who won't have any bearing on your studies or social life&lt;/em&gt;. It's probably better for both of you if she does this to an uninvolved party than to a co-ed or neighbour or let these feelings escalate towards a potential later outburst. It fulfils a similar function and is certainly cheaper than a professional therapist. (Source: I'm 30 and still talk to my parents about minor annoyances with my friend and mutually chosen flatmate that aren't worth a confrontation because it makes me feel better. They do the same with me about their co-workers.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't address any other aspects of your (pretty broad) question, so consider it a partial answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11008" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T10:46:33.837" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9229" CreationDate="2018-01-17T11:23:41.213" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not fully understand the two cultures involved, however this conflict may be fueled by a mutual misunderstanding of the two I am hopefully as qualified as anyone to answer!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your psychology reading did you come across the &lt;em&gt;Karpman Drama Triangle&lt;/em&gt;? This is a very interesting social model. It says that in any conflict or 'drama' there are three roles: &lt;em&gt;persecutor, victim, and rescuer&lt;/em&gt;. In a typical situation a persecutor will cause trouble for a victim, and then someone comes in to rescue them. But the interesting thing about this model is that some people &lt;em&gt;believe&lt;/em&gt; themselves to be a victim, and others find themselves unexpectedly in the other two roles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your family think your wife is causing the trouble, but your wife thinks they are causing the trouble. You are caught trying to be 'rescuer' for both parties, which is what you are finding so difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does seem from the information you give that you lean towards seeing your mother and sister's point of view. This isn't surprising, you know them better than anyone else and so you make more allowances for their shortcomings. Actually your mother seems to have the most demands - she wants your wife to learn her language, not the other way around; she has the personal rules restricting when she would travel; she does not accept that sending a photo of your ex-girlfriend to your wife was inconsiderate on her part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it actually necessary to help them, some days, see eye to eye?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. You love them all, you shouldn't give up trying to restore peace. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If it is important to restore this damaged relationship, am I now&#xA;  doing the right thing? How would I go about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it is very important you continue to try, but they need to try too! Everybody involved is an adult and you should expect them all to behave as such. You may need to be a bit tougher. You will likely have more success trying to get your wife to overlook the shortcomings of your mother and sister if you &lt;em&gt;admit&lt;/em&gt; that they are in the wrong and you support your wife. Tell your mother straight if she is being unreasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you know all your family and your wife are good people, you should be able to see the good motives behind their actions. In the 'Uber' incident it sounds like your wife was concerned with your house being tidy and ready for your sister to stay. Rather than a lack of consideration for your sister by making you unpack instead of picking her up, was she not trying to make her stay a more pleasant one? After all, you can't ask an Uber driver to unpack for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that you and your wife are a family now. You are in the roles that your parents once were, and they need to respect that. Elderly parents still view us as children (I experience similar issues too, sometimes!) and sometimes need a gentle reminder that we are adults. When you think about it, these conflicts are all a bit petty and childish, and should not really be dividing a family. You must listen to your family members' concerns, never dismiss them, but rise above anything petty. You may find that if you set the benchmark for behaving like an adult that everybody else pulls themselves up too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T11:44:46.593" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T11:44:46.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9202" CreationDate="2018-01-17T13:15:52.837" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can drink from your bottle by touching bottle with your mouth (it is called jootha in India) and not the way it is usually drunk in India by raising the bottle little up and pouring water into mouth. And when this person picks up your bottle to drink water you can tell him its &quot;jootha&quot;. OP's question has tag &lt;code&gt;india&lt;/code&gt; so his/her coworker will know what jootha means and will not drink from your bottle. I tried this in my office and now nobody drinks from my bottle. Mostly people in India avoid drinking water from a jootha bottle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="504" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T13:15:52.837" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9255" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9258" CreationDate="2018-01-17T15:08:14.097" Score="138" ViewCount="37963" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I have a coworker - let's call her Anne - who believes that saving energy wherever possible is everyone's most important responsibility.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Anne has made that clear from the day that I joined the company and I respect that. In fact, I find it quite honourable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anne regularly writes emails to all employees of our company about how important it is to turn off our monitors in the evening.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A large percentage of our small company (including myself) does not really care about turning off the monitors at night, but in order to appease Anne we do it anyway. After all it means very little effort and it's a good deed for the environment (however small).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I have already calculated how much energy is saved by off-mode instead of standby-mode, and it actually is a ridiculously small amount (&amp;lt; 0.3 kWh per &lt;em&gt;year&lt;/em&gt;). Although she knows that, her argument is that if everybody leaves it on standby then it sums up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Problem:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Every other day I forget to turn off my monitor, so it goes into standby mode.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;On each of these occasions there was a post-it on my monitor that reminded me to always turn it off and not in a very polite way. I have already told her that I'm sorry if I sometimes forget it, and that I'm trying.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She however does not understand how one can forget such an 'important' thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday I once again forgot my monitor in the evening, only to come in today and find that the power cable to my monitor was unplugged. Even after plugging it in again, it did not recognize the connection to the PC. So I tried to reconfigure it for about 5 minutes. In the end it only worked after I un- and replugged the VGA cable to the PC (which with my workstation-setup was a cumbersome task). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think that Anne's reaction was appropriate and I would like to talk to her about our little conflict.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;But I know that it will only escalate into an argument because she will not hear any of my excuses, and everyone should follow her views on saving energy. I base this on some other arguments with her involved that I witnessed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I make it clear to her that she overreacted and that I don't want her to mess with my workstation ever again?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Goals:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Anne should stop messing with my workstation. (Edit: I don't mind if Anne just turns off my monitor, but she is not happy with that (&quot;I'm not your handmaid!&quot;).) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No escalation (I do not think our bosses should be involved, nor do I want a big discussion/argument about it)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bonus Points for:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Anne accepting that I sometimes leave my monitor in standby mode and not reciprocating with passive-aggressive notes or angry comments each time I forget my monitor in the evening.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sidenote: I have not asked Anne yet if it was her who unplugged my monitor. Theoretically it could have been someone else, but I really doubt it since nobody else here has such strong opinions on saving energy. I do know it was her who wrote the post-it notes.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; I found out from another colleague that it was indeed her. I have not addressed this issue with Anne yet, nor has she made a comment about it to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-01-21T19:43:49.170" LastActivityDate="2019-04-05T13:50:54.223" Title="How do I deal with a coworker who unplugs my monitor because I didn't turn it off?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="18" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3162" CreationDate="2018-01-17T15:23:14.793" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't do &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt;. Waiting is the worst you could do. People grow apart as time pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try asking her if she wants you out of her life definitely for such thing. She'll hopefully give a straight answer and might ask for time to think or else. Then you'll be fixed. There'll be nothing you can do if she refuses your excuse through. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personnal comment : You're better off someone who does'nt appreciate the effort you are putting on reflecting on yourself and your mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11514" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T15:23:14.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-17T15:31:43.903" Score="203" Body="&lt;p&gt;Anne is clearly a fervent believer in saving power. In fact, one might go far enough as to call her a fanatic based on your description. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And your mistake has been making concessions, and validating her attitude by apologizing for small, everyday things. Now she feels that she is entitled, and morally &quot;in the right&quot; to leave you strongly worded messages, and pull passive aggressive stunts like unplugging your monitor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you've failed to set boundaries before, it will be doubly difficult to do so now. The good news, however, is that it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have an honest talk with her and say that although you respect her opinions, and her position on the matter, the issue of powering the monitors off at the end of the day is not one that weighs heavily on your soul. Clarify that you've been willing to make some concessions because it clearly means so much to her, but that her actions have been making you uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Elaborate, and specifically state that she's crossing a line when she leaves passive aggressive notes on people's desks, and most certainly should not be unplugging people's equipment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be polite, and firm, and most importantly leave no room for debate. If she tries to argue that what you're doing is wrong, etc. reiterate that although you understand her opinion, and respect that she turns off her own monitors every day, you do not feel as strongly about the issue, and will make your own decisions regarding your workstation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she leaves you more sticky notes, remove them and bring them to her desk. You don't need to say anything, although you may wish to reiterate your position. If you feel that things are getting worse, you may also wish to document these instances (take a picture, and keep track of the dates this happened), and eventually go to management about it. This, however, is the nuclear option, as it were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T15:31:43.903" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9259" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9339" CreationDate="2018-01-17T15:36:31.710" Score="16" ViewCount="1242" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently got a project at work where I need to regularly talk to a person who is suffering from very bad &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stuttering&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;stuttering&lt;/a&gt;. He is very competent and professional at his job, but talking with him is a bit tedious, because he frequently has issues forming a complete sentence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are the general do's and dont's when talking to someone who is stuttering? For example, when he has trouble completing a sentence but I think I know what he wants to say, how should I act? Should I wait patiently? Should I complete the sentence for him? Should I interrupt him with my reply? What is the general etiquette for dealing with this very common condition?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to communicate efficiently with him but without hurting his feelings. But I also don't have a close relation to him, so I think it would be impolite to directly address his condition and ask for his preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1943" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T09:54:28.443" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T18:28:42.897" Title="How do you communicate efficiently with someone who is stuttering?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;stuttering&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9224" CreationDate="2018-01-17T15:47:03.777" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;How should I handle this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you need to step back from the idea that you are 100% in the right, and that you are the victim here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your level of contact with people you are going to be living with&#xA;throughout the year was very, very cursory. Yes, I get that the time&#xA;was not right for a full &quot;get to know you&quot; conversation, but there&#xA;is a vast gulf between that and blowing by or only seeking out and&#xA;engaging that person when you had an issue with trying to lock the&#xA;bathroom door.  We are talking about over two days, and you guys live together. Note, also, that you were able to make the time to&#xA;seek someone out, and have a brief exchange with them when faced&#xA;with the task of needing to seal yourself off from them. The fact&#xA;that you could not find it within your abilities to even say &quot;Hey,&#xA;I'm looking forward to spending some time getting acquainted, off to&#xA;class now, hopefully we'll both be free to talk soon.&quot; - as you blow by on&#xA;your way out the door does send a message of disinterest or&#xA;inaccessibility.  Again, I'm not saying you have to be some kind of&#xA;babbler, but there certainly are a lot of degrees of middle ground&#xA;that you chose not to explore.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You have no idea what the person on the other end of the phone was saying, so any rudeness you are projecting onto that person over specific language is a completely voluntary and uninformed choice you decided to make. You opted cast this person as the villain and yourself as the aggrieved victim.  Keep in mind, mothers are going to ask very personal questions and probe feelings, and children are more likely to not hold back when talking to a parent.  Contrast how you viewed it, with this possibility - &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: Is your new roommate really friendly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Roommate: Well, not really. She's barely said a word to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: That sounds like a really unfriendly and rude person, what's her problem? Or is it cultural, perhaps?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Roommate: She's not American.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: Where is she from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Roommate: Like I said, I've barely seen her and she hasn't spoken to me. I just know she's not American.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since we don't know what was said on the other side, this scenario, or any of thousands of others with less malicious intent, are equally possible vs the interpretation you put on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;So, now, based on you listening in on a private conversation between your new roommate and her mother, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;NOW&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you have the time, the energy and the inclination to have a confrontational discussion with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not trying to cast you as someone to deserves to be blamed here, either. I slanted the perspective to illustrate that there are many different perspectives in any situation, and now, potentially, you've &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; staked one out where someone who is a stranger, and you don't actually know anything about, but you have to live with for a year, is a jerk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step back, drop those assumptions, and re-start. You should apologize for confronting her like that based on assumptions, and for paying attention to a conversation you should not have been listening to. After apologizing, explain your perspective - you did not intentionally avoid talking to her, things are a bit frenzied with the move to a new situation, and, perhaps, you were looking to find an opportunity to start a conversation when you guys would have a chance to have a nice, full chat. Also that it was not a situation where you were intentionally trying to hear everything she said, but your new place has thinner walls then you are used to (also good information for her to know). Explain that what you heard gave the impression that she didn't like you and you felt a bit attacked, and reacted, but you want to start over with a clean slate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Age, culture, personalities, personal judgments all mean that you guys might not be able to completely patch things up after starting on the wrong foot. You guys might not have become close pals even if you guys had chances to chat and nothing potentially negative was said, for the same reason, but it's important to at least try to have a roommate who does not dislike you, because that makes for a miserable living experience.  Indifferent is very manageable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting along and not irritating each other with different living habits is usually &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; the outcome for people living away from their families for the first time. If you wind up compatible and being great friends that's a bonus. Hope for it, but consciously attempt to at least get it to casually friendly indifference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T15:47:03.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-17T15:47:21.990" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Get straight to the point:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anne, we need to talk about you switching off my monitor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reassure her that you do care about the environment and the company's energy bills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want you to know that I agree with you about saving energy. Wasting energy is bad for the environment and it is bad for the company. I try my best to remember to turn my monitor off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then give her the facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But I have to say, I think your reaction to my sometimes forgetting is actually counter productive. The cost of leaving my monitor on standby for a full &lt;em&gt;year&lt;/em&gt; is going to cost the company about £1.14*. But this morning it took me five minutes to get my monitor working again because someone pulled the plug, and 5 minutes of my time is worth £1.25** to the company. So whoever pulled the plug on my monitor has already cost the company more in one day than they have saved all year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*That's my estimate in my currency. Work it out before you go in&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;** Quote one twelfth of your own hourly rate. If it is less than the previous figure then instead say that if it happens again it will cost the company more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finish off by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure the directors/owners/managers would see the argument in terms of cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boom! But end on a positive note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will make a concerted effort to turn off my monitor every night if you can assure me that my monitor will be left alone if I forget and I don't come in to any more of your notes. Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T15:47:21.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9263" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9259" CreationDate="2018-01-17T15:48:40.367" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;By asking him questions about him you are actually showing him that you care about him.  Which will most likely lead to his liking you more than before.  And more importantly the most accurate source of information about how your co-worker would like to be treated is your co-worker.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not recommend asking about the stutter in public, at all.  That's way to much pressure on the stutterer.  It's been my experience that a personal conversation with someone, that &lt;strong&gt;expresses compassion&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;understanding (or at least a desire to understand&lt;/strong&gt; the other person) generally eases feelings of self consciousness.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could start a personal conversation &quot;how was your weekend&quot; or  &quot;how is your family?&quot;  and after a few minutes of small talk ask him &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Does it bother you when people finish your sentences?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he says yes then you no not to finish his sentences if he says no then you know that it's ok to help him out some times.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to smile through out the conversation and when when the conversation is done to wish him a good day.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would guess that it is preferable to listen patiently  when some one is stuttering.  However if the stutter is inhibiting communicative (ie. a 10 second sentence is now taking several minutes)  I suspect the person with the stutter will be grateful that you finished the sentence for them.  I would be.  That said you really need to ask the individual that you are dealing with to make sure you get it right.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T18:25:48.177" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T18:25:48.177" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-17T16:04:57.543" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talk to her about this in terms of the things that are important to her: power saving. Apologise for your forgetfulness, but point out that her &quot;remedies&quot; are actually counterproductive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how much energy it takes to manufacture, package and distribute a post-it note. But given the low energy overhead of the monitor, it's likely she's used up a similar amount of energy by writing and sticking the note.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, if your hardware requires recalibration when you have to re-plug an unplugged monitor, it's using energy. Given that this is using actual processor cycles, it's probably using a similar amount of energy as leaving the monitor in stand-by mode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4801" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T16:04:57.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9259" CreationDate="2018-01-17T16:14:36.557" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some stutterers only do so (or stutter worse) when they are nervous, for example around people they don't know as well, or are under pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To directly answer your question, etiquette generally suggests that you do not interrupt people. Someone with a stutter deserves the same respect as anybody else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Get to know the person a bit better, or see if you can communicate verbally in more relaxed, casual environments to see if this makes his stammer any less profound.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Communicate via email and see if they prefer this. If they are conscious of their stutter, they might. If you want this to be less deliberate, start off by telling them you'll send something over by email, and then see if they respond to the email in a verbose manner. This might indicate they are more comfortable communicating this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If neither of these work, you are going to have to resort to good old-fashioned patience and wait for him to speak. If you've been given this as a project at work I'm sure your boss knows about the stutter, so this is what they expect of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T16:14:36.557" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9267" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9270" CreationDate="2018-01-17T16:36:06.400" Score="29" ViewCount="8988" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 25-year-old male and I work for a corporate IT firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of my job involves auditing (quality checking) other people's work and providing feedback. Recently, I listened to a recorded call, where a co-worker told one of our customers that a particular business partner of ours (a third-party company) is not customer friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was wrong, and I spoke to that particular person about this. She told me that she only did that because many people in our office have a similar opinion. And, she did not think it was a big deal. She is open to feedback and when I mentioned the consequences, she readily accepted and assured me that it won't happen again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, for a failure such as this, I am supposed to send out an email to her manager and a few senior management people. So, I sent an email about the failure and told the management that I gave my feedback to that person. I have been in similar situations before and the usual response from the management would just be an acknowledgement email suggesting that these type of mistakes should not happen again. The person in question is not looped in such emails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this time, her manager decided that she should be given a written warning. This is one of the three strikes before a corrective action is taken against a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sorry that I sent that email. I still think that I have performed my job honestly. However, I feel sorry about about how the whole situation has turned out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to tell this person how I feel. I am sure this person would be angry with me (she is a couple of years younger than me). She is not my friend or acquaintance. I just talk to her about work once a week (like 15 minutes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it difficult for me as I am not sure how she would take it if I say that I am sorry about what has happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want this exchange to happen professionally, but not officially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am doing this only because I feel bad for this person, no other reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am worried about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If this will question other co-workers' trust in me to provide proper guidance and feedback.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I will have to be able to work with her and provide my feedback without this single episode affecting all future interactions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am confident and clear when I talk about work or sharing ideas. What I lack is the ability to convey how I feel.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not want her to misinterpret what I am going to say.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not wish to discuss the situation extensively. Just one simple conversation should do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am looking forward to your help. Thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE&lt;/strong&gt;:&#xA;First off, I am really glad that I asked my question here. I am surprised and happy to see a lot of people genuinely sharing their opinion. All of your answers and comments gave me different perspectives and helped me handle the situation. Thank you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A small clarification before I tell you how the whole situation turned out. Asking sorry(being apologetic) was never my intention. Sorry, if I was not clear about this in my original question. As I mentioned earlier, my only reason for showing empathy towards this person was that I felt really bad for this person. This is because, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She said and I believed that she did not do this on purpose and she feels sorry for what she has done. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is her first job after college and she has been in the company for 6 months. I felt that this could have impacted her choice of words when speaking to our customer. This should have been an opportunity for her manager to educate her, not punish. Sorry for not mentioning this earlier. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming back to the situation, it actually turned out quite easy and neither of us were embarrassed nor misunderstood. As I was analyzing all the opinions given here and writing down(as one of you suggested) what I was going to say, this person came to my desk and asked me how she should handle this warning letter - if she can dispute this warning thing given to her. She tells me that her manager has been personally targeting her and trying to make her quit her job. I did not get into all the reasons behind this but it has to do something with their personal life and not work related. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her all the available options and suggested that she reach out to HR. I even encouraged her to be clear and confident about what she was going to tell HR and not letting the hierarchy affect her stand. At the end this conversation, I made sure she felt that I was not happy about the written warning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks again everyone and sorry for the long post. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9265" LastEditorDisplayName="user9265" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T17:02:41.403" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T03:51:13.853" Title="How to tell a co-worker that I feel sorry for something I did" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9267" CreationDate="2018-01-17T16:50:38.423" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think this is a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said she is neither a friend nor an acquaintance so there is no 'out-of-work' relationship that needs rescuing. You should not feel bad about doing your job correctly. Saying sorry for doing your job correctly will only weaken your position and take away credibility from the warning that was given to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly, you said..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I do not want her to misinterpret what I am going to say.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;..which suggests that you think she might. If she is angry/upset about it then she might deliberately use anything you say 'off the record' to cause trouble for you. You can't apologise in any official capacity because you were right to do what you did, and I definitely would not recommend talking to her privately if she is angry and may twist what you said in private without any witness to back you up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, she may not be as angry as you think, in which case it is best just left. She will likely get over it in time anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T16:50:38.423" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9269" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9267" CreationDate="2018-01-17T16:54:36.000" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Because you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;still think that I have performed my job honestly&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you are rightfully&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;not sorry that I sent that email&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did your job and you did it well.&#xA;I wanted to stress this just to clarify that you &lt;strong&gt;do not owe her telling her that you are sorry&lt;/strong&gt; for the way it all turned out, especially - and above all - because&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;her Manager&lt;/strong&gt; decided that she should be given a written warning&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the best you can do to be &quot;emphatic&quot; with her is stressing the same clarification I stressed above, so that she clearly understands that you were just doing your job, you did it well, and if there's someone who made her feel bad in the end it is her manager (whether he too did his job well or not).&#xA;This way you are being totally fair to her, even more than fair.&#xA;Whether she understands and accepts your position (reads: being mature), at this point, is no longer within your power, there's nothing you can do more than doing your job well and even showing yourself to be a caring person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, to answer your other specific questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;whether your other coworkers will trust you or not depends on - again - how much they are willing to accept you doing your job well and being a caring person (again, reads: being mature);&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;whether she is going to make something big out of this up to the point where future interactions are difficult, well, it will depends on her level of maturity, still out of your powers;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;conveying how you feel is best conveyed by simply stating the pure truth;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;misinterpreting what you say, in this case, would be, wait for it... lack of maturity;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;yeah, a single simple conversation where you tell her the truth and the way you feel must be more than enough;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I repeat: you did your job well and you even went beyond that by being willing to tell her you are emphatic to what she feels... if she (or any other coworker) does not acknowledge and accepts this, I'm afraid you are dealing with someone lacking adult maturity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My 2 cents, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T17:06:36.673" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T17:06:36.673" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9267" CreationDate="2018-01-17T17:31:52.967" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you know what the one thing you should definitely not say when you get in a car accident is? &quot;Sorry.&quot; Regardless of your role, there's a potential that saying the word 'sorry' could be mistaken as a sign of remorse for your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you don't feel sorry for performing your job as expected, don't explicitly say &quot;sorry&quot; - focus on picking her up in other ways. Make her feel like it's alright to have messed up (because it really is... everyone does it from time to time, and she's already been punished for it). I wouldn't mention the written warning, but maybe just say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, about what we discussed the other day - I just wanted to let you know that my role in trying to help everyone meet the same customer service standards has given me a lot of time to see everyone's mistakes... We all make them. Don't sweat it too much. Let me know if you're ever unsure of anything, and I'll do my best to help you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are the reasons I suggest this approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You solidify your stance that you were just doing your job without expressing remorse for doing so (which means that you will still be using the same discretion going forward)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You express that she's not alone in messing up (everyone does it!), which should help take the pressure off of her as a single example&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You offer to explain any questions she may have on her performance in the future, which will help your working relationship going forward&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly when you say this, don't say it with an apologetic tone. If you feel bad, &lt;em&gt;she will probably feel bad&lt;/em&gt;.  People pick up on tones.  Instead, just say it in a calming manner. You're just 'letting her know' or 'dropping some friendly words' as you would to a friend having a bad day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I think what you feel is natural. I'm sure she does feel a little down or embarrassed, because of the warning, but if you give it a few days (even without saying anything) everything will likely go back to normal and the impact on her will be minimized back down into nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T16:50:36.933" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T16:50:36.933" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9267" CreationDate="2018-01-17T17:49:31.997" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel you &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; say something, I would not convey regret but surprise. Tell the truth, Perhaps: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Reports like that do not usually result in written notice, and I certainly did not expect this one would.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not think you should &lt;strong&gt;apologize&lt;/strong&gt;. All you hope to gain by that is to salve yourself, not her, and that is selfish and perhaps even cruel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not regret reporting her, I suspect you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; feel bad for yourself because now she may be angry with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for whether other workers will trust you -- Why should they? You have no intention of cutting them any slack, you are going to do your job to the letter whether it hurts them or not, without regret. I am not morally judging you, but it is not a reason to treat you as a friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust is a belief somebody will not harm or betray you, that they will act in your interest even when they do not have to do so. Based on this story, I would not trust you, I would be cautious and guard my words around you and treat you as a potential danger. Feeling sorry for me after you take a step toward getting me fired doesn't do ME any good or make me feel any better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not express regret if you cannot be truthful when you say you should have done things differently, and if you could not truthfully say you would take an opportunity to make appropriate amends. IMO anything else is not 'regret'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T17:49:31.997" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-17T18:18:42.383" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been searching for an answer speaking to compromise and I haven't found one I like enough, so here are my two cents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anne is definitely passionate about her cause, but I think there is still room for you to attempt to talk to her.  If I were in your shoes, I'd start by acknowledging the action that caused her outburst:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey Anne, I know that I forget to turn my monitor off sometimes.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, state the consequences of the outburst:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;However, the last time I did this my monitor was completely unplugged the next morning. While this solved the power issue, I had to completely reconfigure my workstation in the morning to get it functional again, and I can't afford to do this every time I forget to turn off my monitor.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, lead into a compromise by stating the goals for both parties:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'd like to get better about turning off my monitor, but I also want to make sure I'm not wasting my mornings configuring my workstation.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This next sentence is where you'll want to give her a job to do. When she does see your monitor still on, what would you rather she do instead of acting immaturely? Most monitors I've worked with have power buttons on the face, so personally I'd say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If I forget again, can you please just turn it off via the power button instead of unplugging it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she begins to fight over this, I'd say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I understand the desire to be power conscious, but (your manager's name) is going to be more angry about me not getting my work done than about my monitor being on all night.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not directly threatening to speak to higher powers, but you're kind of saying &quot;it sure would be a shame if my manager found out about our disagreement...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also consider making an effort on your end to help soothe things. If you leave at the same time every day, consider setting a reminder on your calendar to turn off your monitors before you leave. Even if Anne has done something unreasonable, try to understand that it's something she's just &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; passionate about, and meet her halfway. Ignoring her and not improving sends the message that you just don't care about the things she's so passionate about - and while maybe you don't, you can't expect someone to want to get along with you if you don't try to get along with them!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, part of being in any environment where we all live for 40+ hours a week is to meet each other where we can to get along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do choose to include a compromise statement, such as the reminder, try to put it in right before you make your request from Anne:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm going to set a reminder on my calendar to turn it off before I leave, but if I forget again, can you please (whatever action you wish her to perform instead of unplugging your monitor)&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T10:52:59.020" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T10:52:59.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9275" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-17T18:41:04.580" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there is a need for more (imaginative) suggestions about what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approach #1 - &lt;strong&gt;direct, but professional confrontation&lt;/strong&gt;. Not the most imaginative, but such a good option that I had to include it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Anne, did you unplug my monitor (last week)?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she answers no, then I personally would fall back to Approach #3. &#xA;&quot;Hmmm, must have been a rat or something. I'll have to deal with it.&quot; Then deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she answers yes, then calmly explain the situation: &quot;It's unprofessional and unacceptable for you to mess with my workstation; don't do that again.&quot; &#xA;To pretty much anything she says, repeat &quot;It's unprofessional and unacceptable for you to mess with my workstation; don't do that again.&quot;&#xA;To pretty much anything she says to that, just walk away. Conversations can be ended by either party, and everything that needed to be said was said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approach #2 - &lt;strong&gt;light the world&lt;/strong&gt;. Works best if people have a sense of humor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bring in a small reading lamp, and use the passive-aggressive notes as a lampshade or as a decoration on the main stand.&#xA;Turn the lamp on if you actually want to or if your desk was messed with the previous day.&#xA;If she then messes with the lamp, then that would reveal that the situation is beyond what can be handled privately. You'll have to escalate, sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approach #3 - &lt;strong&gt;blame the dog (or rat)&lt;/strong&gt;. It's not the greatest idea, but it's also one of the best options for avoiding a direct confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is clear that some small creature must have somehow unplugged your monitor, since &lt;em&gt;nobody&lt;/em&gt; at your company would be so unprofessional as to interfere with somebody else's equipment. &#xA;If you are responsible for your equipment, then place (tape?) a very small mousetrap near the plug, thoroughly clean your entire desk, and seal or remove any unsealed food/drinks.&#xA;If you are not directly responsible for your equipment, then have a quick chat with the guy/girl who is and say that although you figure it might not be anything at all, you want to be proactive.&#xA;If they aren't cool with a mousetrap on the back of your monitor (being vague about the details initially may help smooth this out), then you can skip that part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, since you have some idea (nearly 100% certainty, but let's not be hasty) that Anne may attempt to unplug your monitor and you don't want to cause harm, &#xA;you should make sure to remind her of your concerns about small creatures &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; inform her of your solution. This won't deal with the notes, but it should deal with the unplugging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1758" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T18:41:04.580" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9276" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9259" CreationDate="2018-01-17T18:49:21.467" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It could be considered condescending or degrading to finish his sentences if it's incorrect, and especially if others do this. If you notice another coworker who does this, maybe mention to him that you noticed they cut him off and ask if it bothers him because you'd like to avoid doing so. He may open up about how to communicate better with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're both working on the same project, the context of your conversations revolves around that work. In my work place, I've had clients with voice boxes, or hard of hearing/ stroke affected speech that sounds like stuttering. I know that any client coming in with inquiries is about the programs we offer so using physical and verbal cues helps eliminate or clarify what we're talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask a follow-up question to clarify anything you misunderstood. It may help to ask yes or no questions when possible. Someone mentioned emails. After your meetings, you can summarise the meeting (in my work place we do this for record keeping). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T18:49:21.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9191" CreationDate="2018-01-17T20:09:18.997" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Last summer I met this girl at a festival. I had this almost instant feeling she's perfect girlfriend material. Turns out though that just a few days earlier she'd fallen for another guy at the festival and they ended up going on a trip afterwards. We did however continue chatting and bonding during the rest of the festival, talking about personal things such as relationships and feelings. Afterwards we stayed in touch from time to time checking in on each other. Her relationship with the guy from the festival lasted a few months. When I found out that they'd broken up I didn't see it as an opening for me, instead I felt sad that it hadn't last since I genuinely care for her .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I get that you wanted to interject and ask her about her relationship because you care, avoid doing it. I and other friends of mine have had some very bad experiences doing this, one of my friends got his date so choked up about the ex, she ended up dating him again!.So I state this for two reasons, first off the nature of relationships can be complex and could ultimately change the direction of your conversation to focus on her ex, thereby helping her state of mind focus on him rather than the potential of your future relationship. The next reason you should avoid it is because it could potentially push you into the friend zone if you are too caring and brother like. When you have more time together maybe you may want to cross that path, but until then don't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Fast forward to Christmas and she let's me know she'll be close to my town around New years in case I want to meet up. We end up having a really good day together and it would definitely have been a perfect date if it was one. Anyhow, seeing her again only solidified my feelings towards dating her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Awesome&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have absolutely no reason to believe that she feels the same way. She's incredibly lovely, both when texting and in person but that's just who she is. Which also is the number one reason I'd like to date her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't assume this, you have a lot to offer my friend, realize you set the standard, if you don't speak up nothing will ever happen, you have to be assertive and be honest this is the only way to go. If you want something you have to go get it, simple as that, hesitation === death. You wouldn't want that wonderful person slipping through your hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've already decided I need to find out if she's interested and as comments pointed out this is best done face to face. My question is, what is the best way to ask her, ie what phrasing would I use in person? And during what point of the 'date' should I bring it up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should give her a call, ask her when she's free and tell: Hey I am going to take you out somewhere, you'll like when are you free ? find somewhere in her town that's cool, a nice restaurant or possibly an event that goes on, find somewhere in her town that's a beautiful/calm/ relaxing place(for after the dinner or a picnic(when it's warm lol)). Maybe a park, near a river, hill etc. This is a good thing to do, I've had great surprise dates when I first began courting my significant other.`&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Extra info:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We live in different towns and won't be seeing each other in person&#xA;   anytime soon. Although she suggested on more than one occasion for me&#xA;   to come visit and go to an underground club. (She did this as early as&#xA;   the festival so that doesn't mean anything). I also have other friends&#xA;   in her city I could visit and use that as an excuse to meet up with&#xA;   her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't suggest a club, since there is so much noise and it makes it hard to have a real conversation, unless she really likes dancing, I really like the festival idea if it's out in the open. I like that last part, you can say hey imma be in town and I want to take you somewhere it's a surprise. (refer to my previous answer paragraph)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm traveling for 3 months, still writing with her. No calls, but then again I never really talk with anyone on the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try and call her every so often, towards the end of your travel, so she can get used to your voice, if too much time passes you can lose touch and just become a friend, I have many friends whom have fallen into this trap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11526" LastEditorUserId="11526" LastEditDate="2018-01-17T20:37:48.863" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T20:37:48.863" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9267" CreationDate="2018-01-17T20:20:38.260" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You did your job -- I would not apologize for doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to weigh in on how she should take the situation: In theory this is benevolent, but make sure you're not doing it to assuage guilt. If this is about your guilt, find other ways to deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With those things out of the way: I think probably the most clear, solid thing you should do is -- during the times when you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; talk to her, as you said, there's usually a few minutes every week -- is talk about &lt;em&gt;your own&lt;/em&gt; errors in places. Make it clear you understand what screwing up is like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternately: Consider providing positive feedback in some manner. A lot of people in jobs where they have to monitor stuff are explicitly &quot;looking for&quot; bad things -- but &lt;em&gt;see&lt;/em&gt; tons of good things done too. Find an aspect of her work she absolutely shines at (ideally one that's not been noticed much for whatever reason) and point it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The former demonstrates you're not trying to be a tyrant, just that screw-ups are part of what you're catching. The second would be a lovely way to make it clear she's valuable to the organization (which may help smooth things over if she is upset by this situation, and is worth pointing out in general anyway -- the assets people have are not nearly brought to light often enough, especially in a corporate setting).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Combining the two wouldn't hurt either -- demonstrate to her informally that you don't imagine you're infalliable somehow, and demonstrate to the company that you recognize her strengths.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Although if this is the only time you've ever brought up something positive, then it may stand out too much and look like overcompensation. Also, your company's culture and practices need to be taken into consideration as well.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11525" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T20:20:38.260" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-17T22:25:25.547" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;After you do AndreiROM's answer, with Randolph Carter's answer in mind, continue to do your work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If/when it becomes a problem again, take it up with your boss.  From the comments, it sounds like she is not in a position of power within your company to make decisions on how equipment is to be left at the end of the day.  Since it has been a minor issue previously, now a matter of of lost productivity (due to computer issues), using/wasting company post-it notes, and more lost productivity (talking to her and now your boss), it's become something that your boss should look into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's minor, when it comes down to it, but it is still affecting your working relationships, which can become serious fairly quickly if not addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remembering what others said about it being a contention of power/&quot;religious conviction&quot;, it may blow up.  That can be a good thing in the long run, however.  She may decide that her views aren't shared by the company and decide to leave.  Or, she may back off and become more reasonable about it.  You won't know until it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you've at least tried to do something about it and aren't waging a silent war.  Hopefully you feel a little better about speaking your mind at that point.  If it gets too annoying, consider moving desks or finding a new job.  Minor annoyances over a long period of time can cause major drawbacks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3616" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T22:25:25.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-17T22:56:35.187" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You want her to stop, and you don't want arguments. At least no arguments that show &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; as argumentative. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you say: &quot;Anne, someone turned my monitor off to save energy, and I suspect it was you. That was a major annoyance. I don't want this to happen again. So tomorrow, when I go to work, I will turn on all the lights at my home before I leave. And I will do the same thing every day someone touches my monitor&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what is she going to do? Turning off your monitor will lead to 100 times more energy wasted the next day at your home, and she can't do anything about that. You refuse any discussions. Complaining only makes her look like a fool, since it's just your private business what you do with your lights at home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And obviously you don't actually turn on the lights, that would be bad for the environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. Some people think this is &quot;picking a fight&quot;. Not at all. Because there is nothing whatsoever that Anne can do. I'm not doing anything in the workplace she can complain about. And I would recommend that she shouldn't do anything that &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; can complain about. I don't care if she's angry. She's behaving irrationally, and that gives her power. I take that power away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-21T18:15:13.287" LastActivityDate="2018-01-21T18:15:13.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9232" CreationDate="2018-01-17T23:29:05.623" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I started taking college courses at 15 while still in high school, so I can share what worked for me.  First, I'll state some assumptions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You currently can't participate in these activities because of age and parental restrictions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You want to maintain good relations.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You might enroll full-time later, by which time you'll be older and the parental restrictions might differ.  (In particular, you might then live in a dorm rather than in your parents' house.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you enroll full-time later, some of the people you're meeting now might still be around and be your future classmates.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given those considerations, you don't want to just brush them off with &quot;I can't&quot;; enough &quot;I can't&quot;s will deter them from asking in the future, but in the future your situation will be different.  Further, you're concerned about giving a negative impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, what worked for me was to &lt;em&gt;explain briefly and propose alternatives&lt;/em&gt;.  In my case that was something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ooh, I'd love to come to your (dorm) party, but I actually live with my parents, not on campus, so I can't go.  But do you want to grab a snack and hang out after class?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the age restrictions people encounter in college is drinking alcohol, but there are ways to still socialize.  Age isn't the only reason that some people don't drink, so -- assuming the venue doesn't require proof of age to enter at all -- you can still socialize with a soft drink while your friends are drinking beer.  I did a lot of that in college.  (I didn't reach legal drinking age before graduating; most of my peers were older.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-01-17T23:29:05.623" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9286" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9293" CreationDate="2018-01-18T00:02:24.493" Score="3" ViewCount="1474" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lately, I've been going to a Middle Eastern restaurant a lot for dinner - the employees and customers are mostly Muslim and speak Arabic, while I speak only English and am not Muslim (not really religious at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communicating with them is always a bit awkward for me, because they address me as &quot;brother&quot;, so I hear these phrases a lot:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Hi, brother&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;What can I get you, brother?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Your food is ready, brother&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;How is school, brother?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Bye, brother&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which feels a bit more ... meaningful ... than I would like the conversation to be.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It makes me pause, overthink, and generally feel rude for not saying &quot;brother&quot; in return, because I don't want to convey at all that I am interested in something deeper. The looks I get in return from them sometimes seem like disappointment ... or maybe even hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my question is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I communicate with someone who addresses me in a more meaningful way than I'm comfortable with?  To be clear, I don't require that they stop calling me &quot;brother&quot;, but rather how can I best respond to them in a way that mitigates any risk of being disrespectful, when I don't wish to address them as &quot;brother&quot;, in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T01:51:40.177" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T20:51:36.337" Title="How do I communicate with someone who addresses me in a more meaningful way than I'm comfortable with?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9289" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9286" CreationDate="2018-01-18T01:05:44.220" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems like you're likely reading more into it than is probably there. People very often refer to others in friendly/familiar terms without it carrying the full weight and connotations that it would in other cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be blunt, I get the same sort of service at the local Southern Baptist chicken place. Where it would be just as common to hear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Hi, brother&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;What can I get you, brother?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Your food is ready, brother&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;How is school, brother?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Bye, brother&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just familiar friendly language... I sometimes respond in kind and sometimes I don't, but when I don't, it's not because I don't feel like being friendly, or that I'm worried that they'll try to convert me. They're just not terms that I would normally use, so it doesn't come across as very natural for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both Southern Baptist and Muslim circles &quot;Brother&quot; can have different connotations when used within the group. As in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Allah says;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;إنما المؤمنون إخوة فأصلحوا بين أخويكم واتقوا الله لعلكم ترحمون&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;p&gt;The believers are nothing else than brothers (in Islamic religion). So make reconciliation between your brothers, and fear Allah, that you may receive mercy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Surah Hujurat 49:10]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://islam.stackexchange.com/a/7950&quot;&gt;https://islam.stackexchange.com/a/7950&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or for Southern Baptists Or Christians:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Matthew 25:40&#xA;  “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+25:40&amp;amp;version=NIV&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+25:40&amp;amp;version=NIV&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So.... Yes, within these faith communities being called a &quot;brother&quot; carries specific meaning and connotations, a sort of &quot;brother in faith&quot; if you will. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But...&lt;/strong&gt; It's not unheard-of for people to &lt;strong&gt;be nice&lt;/strong&gt; and extend the common greetings and niceties that they're accustomed to, to people outside of their specific group. &lt;strong&gt;It's usually called hospitality and it's a good thing.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt; &#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To more specifically address the question...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answer the same way you would if they had said something you're more familiar with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Hi, brother &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could just as easily be &quot;Hi, dude/bro/fren/friend/folks&quot; or whatever works for you...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A polite response could be just as easy as &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot; Ya'know like you would whenever someone normally says &quot;hi&quot; to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T01:19:18.487" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T01:19:18.487" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-18T02:21:18.403" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell her you live by the golden rule: do unto others. If you come in, again, to find your monitor unplugged, she will find the same done to hers. This is YOUR SPACE. Just as she would not be welcome to walk into your home and turn every thing off she feels isn't necessary, she is not welcome into your cubicle/office/closet work space to turn off items. Maybe once one person stands up to the office bully, others will find the gumption to do the same. She thinks it's her right because you've all let her be this way. Your office is at much fault for the situation as she is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11541" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T02:21:18.403" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-18T02:45:06.893" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want a very non-confrontational compromise, you could suggest something like a &quot;swear jar&quot; where you put in some small amount every time you forget to turn off your monitor, and donate that money to an environmental organization at the end of each year. Discuss this with Anne and say something along the lines of &quot;I know I am forgetful, I am trying to get better. Please don't unplug my monitor and if I forget the next morning I will put in 10 cents into the jar&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I suggest this is because it doesn't sound like you are comfortable being confrontational and saying &quot;Don't touch my stuff or I will escalate to HR&quot;, or remembering to turn off your monitors 100% of the time. Since either those are simple solutions you would have just done already. My solution is non-confrontational since it is offering a compromise to the other party, and allows some leeway for you to forget once in a while. Also, if you are in the States &quot;swear jars&quot; are a common and relatively well known analogue, so such a suggestion is not strange. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically it sounds like Anne wants you to get punished for misbehaving (hence messing with your personal stuff) you can redirect the punishment to something that is less of a hassle for you, but keeps Anne happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11542" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T00:58:01.707" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T00:58:01.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9286" CreationDate="2018-01-18T04:07:11.760" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Think of it as a language variant rather than as a reflection of a feeling of intimacy.  Think of it as a way they show respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not need to answer in the same language variant, though.  When I used to take my son to the doctor in France, we had a tacit agreement -- she would let me talk to her in English as long as I would let her talk to me in French.  At first this made me very self-conscious, but then I came to realize that each of us felt we were able to express our expertise best in our mother tongue and if we understood each other, that's all that matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect the look of hurt you're noticing in them is because they're capturing your feeling of discomfort. I'm optimistic that when you're able to relax when they're talking to you, that look of hurt will go away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing that may help is to take the time to greet -- more time than you probably typically take with people from the US.  If someone asks after your family, reciprocate.  Experiment with innocuous conversational remarks, for example, the weather.  It doesn't have to be a prolonged conversation -- but do take a moment to make a connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they were touching you in an unwanted way, that would be a different matter.  Since the only thing you mentioned as making you uncomfortable is this mode of address (&quot;brother&quot;), I think you'll be able to adapt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T04:07:11.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9267" CreationDate="2018-01-18T04:21:07.250" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am confident and clear when I talk about work or sharing ideas. What I lack is the ability to convey how I feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get the sense you feel some social awkwardness and would like to use this case as an exercise for starting to get more practice with social interactions, in a limited way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good idea!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first few times, I think you'll be able to go into the interaction more comfortably if you write down what you want to say, in advance.  When the time comes, if you veer a bit from your planned script, that's okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is a starting point for you -- but please edit it if you wish, or start from scratch:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anita, I wanted to let you know that when I wrote up my constructive feedback last week, I wasn't anticipating you getting a written warning.  I hope there are no hard feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also get the sense you're concerned about the possibility that the encounter might take longer than you'd like.  If so, it would be good to write several possible exit phrases too on your index card (which you may bring to work with you in your pocket if you wish), such as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I better get back to work [back to xeroxing, etc.].  Thanks for the chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The whole thing could be done gracefully within a two-minute timeframe, I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T18:36:51.490" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T18:36:51.490" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9259" CreationDate="2018-01-18T04:36:06.990" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Nod  a bit while he's talking, then try supplying a word or phrase.  Look positive and curious.  Raise your eyebrows a bit and look interested.  Show that you would like to know if you've guessed correctly (rather than appearing to be making a correction).  Ask, &quot;Did I get it right?&quot;  Continue with the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now comes the important part.  Ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John, is it okay if I jump in sometimes, like I did just now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gradually explore possible accommodations with him.  If you like, you can mention some accommodation you've made in your own life or with someone else you know, as a way of experiencing some common ground.  Be careful -- this step is just a way of sharing; make sure not to lecture him on how he or the people around him are supposed to behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you'll update us to let us know how things are evolving!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T04:36:06.990" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9297" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9299" CreationDate="2018-01-18T04:56:19.593" Score="5" ViewCount="648" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for a new place to live. I would likely be living in a shared place where I don't know everyone. While I wouldn't move into a place where I didn't trust everyone, I feel much better having a lock on my door (that can lock from the outside). This is mainly for peace of mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to ask the question if the bedroom has a lock that can be locked from the outside without insinuating that I don't trust the other tenants or that I'm hiding something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried asking directly but get responses like &quot;no but everyone here trusts each other&quot;. Where I live the market is very in the landlords favor so if they get an impression there's something wrong they would just go with someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7017" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T13:53:57.457" Title="When looking for shared living accommodation, how to ask if room can be locked?" Tags="&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9297" CreationDate="2018-01-18T05:18:06.900" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Searching for a place to live is a bit like interviewing for a new job. They're not just interviewing you, you're interviewing them. So the best thing to do is &lt;strong&gt;just ask.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand where you're coming from, I've had things go missing in shared living spaces, but a lock doesn't necessarily imply that you're worried about your housemates. It's just another layer of security and it could and probably should be presented that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does the room have a locking door? Not that I don't trust the housemates, it's just always good to have an added layer of security. Can't be too careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, do you mind if I add a lock?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, what's your policy on changing locks?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(it's worth asking about changing the locks, you don't know how many previous tenants still have copies of those keys)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T05:34:44.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9286" CreationDate="2018-01-18T06:02:52.937" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It isn't at all uncommon to come across regional or local manners of address and many of these can feel odd or &quot;more meaningful&quot; to those unfamiliar to it. However these are really no different than the use of sir or miss/ma'am/madam which often seem too formal for people. Fairly common examples that I have heard used in English include love (luv), sweetie, honey (or hun), darling, friend or mate, in addition to the mentioned brother/sister (also bro/brah). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I communicate with someone who addresses me in a more meaningful way than I'm comfortable with? To be clear, I don't require that they stop calling me &quot;brother&quot;, but rather how can I best respond to them in a way that mitigates any disrespect coming from my end, when I don't wish to address them as &quot;brother&quot;, in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their goal is not to make you uncomfortable, but rather to offer you at least a base level of respect in their dealings with you, as they likely do to any customer, especially regular ones. Yes, how they treat you may be part of their daily life according to worldview and/or religious beliefs but it really doesn't matter as you would likely get treated similarly even if it weren't. They are running a service business and want you feel welcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply be polite and respectful in return in a manner that is normal and comfortable to you (if nothing else, the use of please, excuse me, and thank you are a sound foundation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The looks I get in return from them sometimes seem like disappointment ... or maybe even hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is more likely that you are projecting your expectations onto their responses. Again, they are running a business so they want to make sure you know you are welcome, respected, and valued. If they sense they are making you uncomfortable, their disappointment would more likely be based in not providing you the service they intended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Lately, I've been going to a Middle Eastern restaurant a lot for dinner&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being a regular customer changes the dynamic of the service/customer relationship. They are going to recognize you and you will often get at least slightly better service and more attention than a complete stranger. It is not at all uncommon, and quite natural, for a more familiar relationship to develop in these situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, they may start to address you by name, anticipate parts or all of your order (would you like XXX again?), or ask you questions based on information learned during previous visits (like your &quot;how is school&quot; example). Again the goal is to make you feel welcome, respected and valued.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7859" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T06:02:52.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-18T08:17:17.413" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;Confront her directly the next time you see her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anne, don't touch my monitor ever again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's in a conversation with someone else (not a client), interrupt it. Show how angry you are. It's perfectly fine for you to demand she does not touch and/or break the things you need to work with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't go into a discussion. Don't get dragged into a negotiation. You have a perfectly fine demand. If she tries to drag you into a drawn out discussion or negotiation repeat: &quot;Don't touch my monitor.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also tackle her before she can go over your head, write a small factual email to your manager, with an emphasis on the facts, no fluff:&#xA;&quot;Anne unplugged my monitor, it cost my x-amount of time to get it up, I told her to not touch my monitor again.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have all right to be angry with her. She is not your manager, she is not the person to discipline you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make very sure in all these conversations that's it's about her unplugging your monitor. Do not under any circumstances let her action become &quot;your fault&quot; because you didn't turn of your monitor. That's another discussion. There is no excuse at all for her to sabotage the equipment you need to work with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: If her answer is: &quot;or what?&quot; don't answer that question, just walk away. Next time she does it, report her. You warned her, your manager is in the loop. It's on her. I don't like &quot;or what games&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2697" LastEditorUserId="2697" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T11:30:46.307" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T11:30:46.307" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-18T11:16:59.810" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell her that unplugging and replugging (or switching on and off) of equipment will actually shorten the lifespan of that equipment, and that the energy expenditure for making a new monitor to replace a broken one is actually significant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is even some technical truth to that with some categories of equipment - usually not with devices like consumer computer monitors, but you don't have to tell her that little detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T11:16:59.810" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9267" CreationDate="2018-01-18T12:51:32.983" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;What are you thinking of apologizing for?  Treating her in a professional manner?  When someone is not taking responsibility for their actions and it is your unfortunate responsibility to help them out in a way that they may not appreciate, you may not want to, but it remains a part of your professional duty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would treat her no differently than before the whole situation comes up, but if she brings up the situation, you need to be clear and aboveboard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I mean nothing against you whatsoever, but it remains a fact that spreading falsehood about this other company is very unprofessional, and as such, I had to take action of some sort.  My hope is that the lesson is well learned and that we can move on from here with no hard feelings, letting the past be the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T12:51:32.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9297" CreationDate="2018-01-18T13:53:57.457" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're already asking the right way. Just because you're not getting the answer you want doesn't mean you are asking the wrong question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you want seems perfectly reasonable to me and I imagine that if you are patient you will find what you are looking for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If finding a place to live is time-critical then perhaps you could consider compromises to get you in a place and get the pressure off you while you continue to look for something more suitable. There are portable motion-sensor alarms which cost around £30 and can be temporarily attached to the inside of a door and set as you exit, this could give you peace of mind if you settled for a room without a lock. Alternatively you could get a small lockable box / safe to keep valuables safe inside your room - or combine the two by putting a motion alarm on the box?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T13:53:57.457" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-18T14:20:25.870" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why are you the one who should plug that power cable back in?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you arrive at your desk and the power cable is plugged out, just call somebody from tech support, and say that yesterday everything was working fine, you arrive in the morning and you don't see anything on your screen anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tech support will have a look, mention to you that the power cable has been plugged out, to which you reply &quot;Oh? That's weird. I'm certainly not the one who has done that! Can you plug it back in and verify if everything is still working fine?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that moment tech support will need to do the whole configuration again (just as you described), and when it happens again, you can do the same thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Soon enough, tech support will get nervous by this whole situation (especially when you're not the only one in that case), you just keep playing innocent (you are innocent, it's not you who is plugging out the cable), and tech support will solve this situation for you, either by confronting Anne directly, or by informing the management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most probably, management will tell Anne something like &quot;Look Anne, thank you for caring for the environment, but your actions are hindering the business and even might be considered as harassment (after all you are messing with co-workers' equipment in their absence), so I really need to you to stop plugging out cables of your co-workers' computers. Thank you!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like this, the situation is solved and Anne won't have any reason to get to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3969" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T22:33:15.320" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T22:33:15.320" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-18T16:22:06.517" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;She is right; not turning off your monitor does use up electricity.  But it's &lt;strong&gt;too small&lt;/strong&gt; an amount of electricity to make a big deal of it, and &lt;strong&gt;it's not her job to enforce this&lt;/strong&gt; in any case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I gather you are not the only one Anne targets.  Ask around, find out who else she has reminded/annoyed and how they feel about it, and gather up those who are willing to go in a group to Anne's desk and let her know how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Decide on a policy; then announce said policy to her.  You are not there to negotiate; you are there to &lt;em&gt;tell her how it's going to be from now on.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My recommendation for a policy: yes, not turning off my monitor uses up electricity, yes, it is wasteful, but no, it's not a big enough deal to worry about if I leave in the evening without turning it off.  I'll simply try to do better the next day, and I'd feel better if you weren't the &lt;strong&gt;monitor enforcer&lt;/strong&gt;.  Specifically, please do not mention power use again, and and never, &lt;em&gt;ever,&lt;/em&gt; unplug my monitor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said so, leave, and don't get into a debate.  There's no point in discussing anything; the issue is not who has the better idea, it's that it's your monitor and she should not touch or mention it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't mention escalation.  But do keep a log, and if the situation doesn't resolve, first suggest that you may have to escalate, and if it still doesn't resolve, do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T16:22:06.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9309" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9312" CreationDate="2018-01-18T16:25:53.533" Score="83" ViewCount="37763" Body="&lt;p&gt;We recently moved into a new neighborhood, as did our neighbor, Jane. I have two young girls (4 and 5), and Jane has a boy and girl (7 I think?). My kids love to play with them, and her kids seem to enjoy it just as much (they knock on our door asking if our girls can come out to play and whatnot).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is that Jane is a single mother, and my wife occasionally works on weekends; Jane sometimes will ask (or my girls will ask and Jane will be accommodating) if the kids can go into her house and play in the toy room together. I don't know her well enough to leave my kids alone in her house for an extended time, and I don't want to accompany them and put myself in a situation with no accountability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is uncomfortable for me. I've discussed it with my wife; she's just as uncomfortable with it as I am. I try not to be careless, and being in the home of a single-mother alone while my wife isn't around is basically red flags all around (not that I've noticed any sort of motives from Jane, just that I don't want to put myself in that situation). There's no cultural reason for this; it's a boundary I have for myself. I feel fine socializing with other women, it's socializing in private that I'm not fine with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is how can I politely explain to Jane &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; I don't think it's a good idea for my girls to play in her house when my wife isn't home to accompany them? I don't want to sound accusatory, but at the same time, I want to make it clear that when my wife isn't home, hanging out in her house isn't an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best I've come up with so far is redirecting the invitation --&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane's Son: &lt;em&gt;Can the girls come inside to play in the toy room?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me (so Jane hears): &lt;em&gt;Not right now, but maybe when their mommy gets&#xA;home they can.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane: &lt;em&gt;Is it ok if the girls come in and play?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &lt;em&gt;Maybe later, once their mom is home&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My hope is that this will make it clear that I don't feel comfortable being in another woman's house without my wife home. This is both out of respect for my wife, as well as not wanting to be in a compromising situation even once.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of things that aren't an option:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Letting my kids play in her house while I wait outside (doing yard work or something). While this is ok for a short time, it ends up requiring me to walk into Jane's house to extract my kids or they'd never leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Staying in the toy room with them while they're playing. This defeats the point of me not wanting to be in Jane's house alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This wouldn't be a big deal if we didn't get along or I noticed anything off, but she's nice and our kids get along great. While I want to be clear, I don't want to be offensive by sounding accusatory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11575" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T21:37:45.217" Title="How do I politely explain to my neighbour that I don't feel comfortable being alone with her in her house while my kids play?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-18T16:40:19.497" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have misgivings, and there's a number of ways you can avoid the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simplest one is to say that your kids simply can't come out to play right now. No explanation is necessary - they're &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; kids, and they're quite young.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility is that you drop your daughters off to play, then simply pick them up later, never entering the house. You can simply ring the bell, ask that they come out, and wait until they do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you don't end up making any silly accusations. Problem solved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T21:37:45.217" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T21:37:45.217" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-18T16:47:47.357" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I understand correctly, your issue is you being in Jane's house (with or without your children, for any length of time at all) if your wife is not in your house or otherwise nearby. I am not sure whether you think Jane will try to seduce you, or that you might be in the future vulnerable to a false claim from Jane that you assaulted her, or that neighbours might gossip &quot;he goes in Jane's house when his wife isn't home&quot;, or what. But you correctly intuit that Jane would not enjoy hearing this reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply tell Jane, once&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love it when our kids play together. I want them to get together as often as possible, in either house. One thing though. On weekends, when [wife name] is out, I don't think it's a good idea for you and I to be in and out of each other's houses without her. You might find that overly sensitive of me, and I apologize, but I am not comfortable with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then on that occasion come up with some other solution that works for that day, such as &quot;all the kids playing outside in our yard&quot; or &quot;my kids will come over as soon as my wife gets home&quot; or even &quot;my kids can come over but you need to kick them out at 4pm so I can get them ready for swimming (or dinner or whatever) and as I said I'm sorry, but I'm not ok coming in to get them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fair warning, Jane is likely to think you're strange. She's likely to feel a little offended. She's just trying to live her life and raise her kids, and here this neighbor she thought liked her actually has her filed under &quot;possible seducer&quot; or &quot;possible accuser&quot; or whatnot. So really work on telling her that this is your &lt;strong&gt;feeling&lt;/strong&gt; not your logic, and even that you wish you could shake it, because this neighbourly setup is such a nice one, but you can't. Ask her to accept this oddity about you, and on each occasion, work to find a way to get the kids together that doesn't violate the rule you have set yourself not to go in her house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T17:50:15.843" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T17:50:15.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-18T17:21:09.923" Score="146" Body="&lt;p&gt;My biggest concern with you addressing Jane is that she could take offense to the implication of her wanting to seduce you (presently or at a future time), so to avoid that I'd suggest saying something more like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My wife and I have an agreement to not spend time with the opposite sex alone, so out of respect to her I'd like to wait for my kids to come over until she's home. Our kids love each other, so hopefully you understand and they can play later.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I suggest this approach is because you don't mention that you (or your wife) have thought of your neighbor as a possible seducer. At no point is Jane ever even part of the reason why you are saying no, because you're implying that you would abide by the same actions with any other woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, the focus is on agreements you've made in your own relationship (which Jane is not a part of, and should take no offense to).  Worst case Jane will think your relationship is a little quirky to have such boundaries, but she's more likely to shrug &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; off than she is feeling like you've implied the two of you could ever become romantic partners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T17:21:09.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9313" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9320" CreationDate="2018-01-18T17:36:09.190" Score="15" ViewCount="13836" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; I am estranged from my sister. The last time I had a substantial conversation with her was ~4 months ago, and her response the last time I initiated contact, via text about ~3 months ago, cemented my feelings about this. I have zero interest in being in contact with her and believe this is best for my mental health and relationships with other family members. She is well aware of what the problem is, but I have not explicitly told her I am blocking her texts, etc., mainly because I don't see a benefit (well, until now), and because I am afraid of how my parents would react. We are both in our 20's and do not live at home, but she visits home (parents' house) frequently and is close to my mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Story:&lt;/strong&gt; I was not at my parents' house for Christmas Day, but visited later and gave presents to everyone. I had gotten a small gift for her in the event she would be there too, but she wasn't. I ended up leaving it at the house since she visits frequently (I think this may have been a mistake). She didn't seem to have left a gift for me, so I assumed she just hadn't gotten me anything because she knew we wouldn't see each other - this would have been fine with me, and what I would have done too if I had known.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I blocked text notifications from her a while ago, but an app update messed up my settings, and I saw this one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the scarf! Your Christmas present will also be at home for when you are home next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on the timing, it seems like she probably got me a gift after she realized I had left one for her. Regardless, I have no interest in whatever it might be, and I do not plan to go home for quite a while (at least 4 months, probably longer).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth noting that she did the same thing for my birthday. She said she got me a present and needed my address; I told her don't bother, and didn't give my address; she kept the gift for the next several months until we were both home at the same time. I had been hoping that after all that time she would realize I really didn't want it.. It was very awkward and I took the gift to end the interaction, but felt very uncomfortable about it. I donated the item and plan to do the same with any future gifts - but I'd much prefer that there weren't any to begin with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal is to refuse the gift and discourage her from doing this again.&lt;/strong&gt; I think this means I need to contact her directly, but I don't know how to without her thinking that I'm open to having a conversation. I'd also like to avoid being any more hurtful than necessary. (Because it's the right thing to do, and selfishly, because she will probably tell my mother.) Obviously I have strong feelings here, so I'm having a hard time figuring out how to express all this appropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I refuse the gift, with minimal drama?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T20:16:14.907" LastActivityDate="2019-09-11T07:41:41.317" Title="Refusing gifts from an estranged relative" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9313" CreationDate="2018-01-18T17:56:31.773" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Best way to accomplish this goal is to no longer buy her gifts, and not accept anything in return. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you visit home and there's a gift waiting, gently refuse it (for example accept it, say thank you, put it down in a corner, unopened, and leave it there). Do not leave their home with it, or simply put it down on the drive way, and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point here is that they will know for a fact that you will not accept anything from her. At one point or another your sister will figure that there's no point, and stop trying to send you anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The converse is that next time you go over you do not bring anything for her. You should also have a plan ready in case you run into her at that event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T18:14:14.273" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T18:14:14.273" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-18T19:07:14.027" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When we moved to a new area. I allowed our kids to play in the front yard with the neighbourhood kids but not in anyone’s home. I’m not sure the weather where you live but could this be an option? &#xA;Or  In this situation you may want to suggest they play at your house? As she may be okay with allowing hers over alone or saying ‘ we’re a bit busy this morning, but maybe they can come round with my wife later?’ &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11583" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T19:07:14.027" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-18T19:09:11.267" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I didn't think I was going to write an answer but after giving this some thought,  I'm really concerned that Jane will get offended no matter how you say that you are not feeling comfortable being with her alone in her house without your wife around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you know Jane well enough and/or are willing to deal with the consequences of her getting offended and potentially not letting her kids play with yours, I wouldn't tell her anything like that, personally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your own ideas sound a lot more diplomatic. Sorry this is a shorter answer but this is risky and delicate. I commend you for being so respectful and careful and I'm sorry if you felt you were being interrogated but sometimes truth hurts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4084" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T21:48:26.840" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T21:48:26.840" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9313" CreationDate="2018-01-18T19:23:19.407" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;You buy her a gift which I’m sure you expect her to take and want but want her to know you don’t want her in your life and don’t want her gifts! &#xA;You say she takes weeks to respond to text messages... but you don’t respond at all! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry to be harsh, but without knowing the rest of the story, it sounds like youre the one who only has her in your life for show. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with the mixed messages but also suggest you gently actually tell her that right now you don’t want contact. Otherwise she is left not knowing or understanding why you never reply or send birthday wishes but leave gifts. &#xA;She may be at fault but still has feelings and honestly usually when people behave badly it’s because they are lost in life and unhappy. I hope in future you can reconsile as people do change and who she is now probably won’t be who she is in 5 years. &#xA;Good luck &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11584" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T19:23:19.407" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9319" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-18T19:23:48.730" Score="175" Body="&lt;p&gt;Spend some time (with your wife) getting to know Jane. Invite her and her kids over for dinner, or a Saturday lunch grill-out, or have your two families meet for bowling or something. It seems strange to me that you'd let your kids play together, but only if you're around. When we moved to a new neighborhood, we got to know the family across the street that had similarly-aged boys, and then it was fine if our boys (6 and 4) were over there, or their boys (5 and 3) were over here. Not once have either of us sat in the other's house while the kids played; that just seems weird to me. If you don't yet trust your neighbor, make a plan to get to know them so you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; whether or not you can trust them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11585" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T19:23:48.730" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9313" CreationDate="2018-01-18T19:31:35.487" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not clear from your question whether the estrangement is mutual, but either way, you've confused matters by leaving the gift for her.  When there are issues between people, even without a full-on estrangement, a gift is often seen as sending a peace offering.  She either was going to get you a gift anyway or responded to your peace offering by signalling that she wants to fix things too.  Refusing her gift at this point in the sequence would send confusing signals and be very hard to do without causing hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, if she &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; get you a gift in response to yours, and then you refuse it, you'll be telling her that it's ok with you that she wasted time and money trying to do something for you in response to your gesture.  That's &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; going to cause some hurt.  (Source: observation of some family members over many years.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I therefore recommend separating handling &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; gift from changing her future behavior.  If you want peace in the family, accept the gift.  You don't need to run over there to get it; if your parents don't mind it sitting there for four months, then just let it wait.  Pick it up next time you're there anyway but don't make a special trip.  Don't make a fuss; you can open it at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the future, one option, though it's the more-confusing one, is to stop sending gifts (what you had originally planned to do this time).  Your parents might notice, though, and since you did give her one this time, she'll probably have one for you next time.  That'll be awkward.  Eventually she'll probably get the hint that her gifts won't be reciprocated, but it's not certain and it'll probably take a while.  There's somebody who still sends me birthday cards even though I haven't reciprocated, or otherwise interacted with her, for about 20 &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt;.  Some people are slow.  I should have been more direct back then, but I wasn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the other, I think better, option is to bite the bullet and tell her.  If you want to minimize the interaction, send her email or a letter saying that you don't think the two of you should continue to interact (or exchange gifts, or whatever the specific goal is) and that you won't be bringing gifts in the future.  If she already knows the reason for your estrangement then you can be brief; no point rehashing stuff that will just aggravate her.  If this is coming as a surprise, though, then (a) it'd be better if you actually &lt;em&gt;talked&lt;/em&gt; with her interactively so she'd feel less dumped, but (b) if you're going to do it via letter, you should explain the reason.  I wish I had done this with the person I mentioned in the previous paragraph; in the end it would have been easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T19:31:35.487" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-18T19:34:34.760" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I don't think there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a way to say something like that to your neighbor without damaging your relationship with her and therefore jeopardizing the kids' relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the messages you're sending:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You and your wife don't trust your neighbor, solely because you're similar ages and she's single and female, &lt;em&gt;despite her having done nothing to earn this distrust.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You don't trust &lt;em&gt;yourself&lt;/em&gt; and your wife does not trust &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to act like a reasonable, responsible adult, &lt;em&gt;despite you having no sexual interest in your neighbor&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider also the fact that your neighbor is simply trying to foster friendships between her kids and her neighbor's kids. That's not only likely to offend her, but it's also very likely to make her feel isolated and ashamed at the very least, and she's done nothing to deserve that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, while your kids may not understand the reasons or nuances, they &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; take notice of your interactions with your neighbor and start emulating that, perpetuating this cycle, if you're not careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Not right now&quot; is an acceptable answer to such a question, without additional explanation, justification, or couching. Additionally, it is possible to be free enough to allow your kids to play outside, but too busy for them to be inside the neighbor's house without you and/or your wife also over there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11581" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-20T05:28:08.877" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T05:28:08.877" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-18T19:42:14.130" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you seek to do is to establish proper boundaries.  One thing I've seen a lot by reading and talking with people who counsel folks who have had affairs is a common thread: &quot;I never meant for this to happen.  I wasn't looking for an affair; it just happened.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not insinuating that this will or can happen.  For the sake of my marriage, I maintain those boundaries between myself and others of the opposite sex.  It's not a matter of trust; it's a matter of ensuring that my behavior is beyond question.  I don't plan on having an affair; by ensuring that I'm not alone with someone of the opposite sex I remove that temptation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to respond to this person?  &quot;I'm sorry; I do not spend time in private with someone of the opposite sex.&quot;  Some people will act patronizing toward you; some will call that names; some will insinuate that you lack willpower.  Others will ask &quot;doesn't your wife trust you?&quot;  I'd answer that with &quot;that's how I earn and keep her trust - by not behaving in a way that would raise questions.&quot;  If they say something silly, that's their problem, not yours.  You and only you set standards for your behavior and you and only you can judge yourself by those standards.  If Jane is offended by your choice, that's her problem as well.  By separating your behavior from the kids playing together, you should be able to not damage that relationship.  If she is halfway sensible, and it sounds like she is, she'll accept your decision as precisely that- yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T19:42:14.130" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9313" CreationDate="2018-01-18T20:52:00.707" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I couldn't guess at the dynamic of your relationship, but what about an honest letter (or email to prove you sent it, should things get interesting)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I appreciate the gesture and spirit of your gift, but I would rather we didn't exchange gifts in the future. I am sorry if my giving you a gift was a mixed signal, but honestly, I only got you the gift so mom wouldn't be upset with me. I still intend that we not have a relationship. It would be best if this was our last gift exchange and we continued to not speak to each other at all. Thank you for your understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a similar (one-sided) conversation with my brother and it's been 5 gloriously quiet years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a bonus, you might choose to inform your parents of your intent to completely sever your sibling relationship. They can then tell you if your sister is over or is planning to be over when you call them about coming over (be sure that you do call). I did this and have not seen my brother since. I am sure you can imagine how nice that's been.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T20:52:00.707" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9313" CreationDate="2018-01-18T21:00:41.670" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you continue to exchange gifts, but add some clarity. You have already indicated you are willing to mislead your parents for the sake of pretended peace (by buying a gift you did not want to give). Offer that truth to your sister:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;On behalf of not upsetting our parents, thank you for your gift. I want to be clear the intent of my gift was to avoid any unpleasant scenes at Christmas, I hope your gift to me is in the same spirit. The same will be true in the future, I see no gain in distressing them at Christmas.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T21:00:41.670" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9327" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-18T21:13:10.277" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Accept you don't want to be in a home alone with this woman.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two problems here that would rightfully insult the woman:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has any sexual or inappropriate intent.  The only way she is not&#xA;insulted is if she had inappropriate intent and if that is the case&#xA;she will be disappointed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't trust the children in her care without supervision.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A response of &quot;Maybe later, once their mom is home&quot; makes neither of those reasons clear.  It took (protracted) clarification via comments to make the actual problems clear.  You don't even acknowledge the second is an issue and it is as offensive as the first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get you want a response to not offend but a truthful response as to the actual reasons will (and should) offend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she said to you my children cannot come in your house unless I am present would that offend you?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best response is to be vague &quot;Maybe later, once their mom is home&quot; and hope she does not read too much into that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't invite her children over when your wife is not home or things could get uncomfortable fast.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T22:49:45.177" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T22:49:45.177" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9313" CreationDate="2018-01-18T21:15:21.080" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sorry to disagree with the other answer, but if your main objective is keep things calm in your parents home. Just accept the gift and continue your life. Don't let the action of other impact yours. They only have that power if you allow it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just think about it. What is the real cost for you? Do you waste time/money? Just say thanks and move on. You can throw it later or donate to charity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand you aren't comfortable with your sister. But you already make the compromise of tolerate her if both are visiting your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But how much your sister affect your life is up to you. You already decide keep the interactions at minimum. So just continue keeping your cool&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I give you an example. Some guy cut me off on the road I could be angry because I was close to a possible collision or because I lost 5 seconds of my time. Or I could be happy because nothing bad happen&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10608" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T21:15:21.080" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-18T22:11:44.207" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of ways to begin the conversation, and I think that's been pretty well covered. You need to let Anne know how her actions are annoying people, but that conversation will be &lt;em&gt;far&lt;/em&gt; more effective if you can also acknowledge that she cares a lot about energy conservation, and apparently, monitors in standby in particular. This makes you a person trying to help her accomplish her goals, rather than someone trying to shut her down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the best way you can do that is to offer a solution. Fortunately, this particular problem has an ideal solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are &quot;smart&quot; plug-strips which monitor power to one of the plugs, then have a relay which shuts off power to the others when the primary plug isn't being used. So, the computer tower goes in that primary plug, and the monitors (and any other peripherals) go in those secondary plugs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have one of these on my desk: even off (not just standby, but &lt;em&gt;off&lt;/em&gt;) my monitors draw about 3W. If my math is right that's about $3.41 USD per year which isn't really much, but it's something. I have the plugstrip because I have additional peripherals which are worse, so for me it's a net financial gain over a year, but Anne doesn't need to know that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So roughly, I'd approach it like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Anne, I've noticed you care a lot about the energy used by monitors in standby. I know sometimes I forget to turn mine off. It can be hard to remember, sorry. Check out these plugstrips. They'd mean people won't forget, and that would be less frustrating for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind, Anne is probably frustrated that she can't convince everyone to turn off monitors. So presenting the solution first, and then suggesting how it's less frustrating for &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt;, both hints at your concern (Anne is really making you angry with her behavior) while phrasing it as a solution to hers (people aren't turning off their monitors, despite repeated reminders). Done right, this makes you an ally instead of an enemy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course now her problem is convincing management to buy a $20 plugstrip for each desk to save $3.41 per year, but maybe Anne will leave you alone now, and perhaps respect you a little more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3514" LastEditorUserId="3514" LastEditDate="2018-01-18T23:25:24.200" LastActivityDate="2018-01-18T23:25:24.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="160" CreationDate="2018-01-19T01:13:11.607" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My approach is to keep the product out of the conversation. Often times it really is a great product. For me, the problem lies with the set up of the company. I do not support MLM period. 90% of the time that ends the conversation. 10% of the time you'll get a seasoned salesperson and they'll  want to know why. They only want to know why you dislike the structure of the business to open up the lines of communication with you to sell you the business. My answer to that is &quot;I don't need you to understand why, I'm requesting you respect my opinion.&quot; I have great success with this approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11602" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T01:13:11.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9332" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9337" CreationDate="2018-01-19T01:34:03.293" Score="-4" ViewCount="295" Body="&lt;p&gt;So often times I am at a social event and meet some one*. &#xA;You start with the usual questions: Hi my/your name is? What do you do? &#xA;Which are all good to get started. &#xA;But inevitably this leads to boring conversation about work and or someone asking me to fix their computer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am wanting to find some better questions to take the convocations in a more interesting direction. However I have only been able to figure out two good ones so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that I can come up with some more:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What makes a good question?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What are some examples?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have so far:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sport ball questions in my opinion are not very good, they tend to always be: Yay my team won or Boo my team lost. Infinitely reusable but won't lead in to something more interesting (now or if you meet the person later at another social event).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One which has worked well for me: &lt;strong&gt;&quot;If you won $100k (USD), what would you do?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems good to me as it is very opened ended. 100k not enough to live of forever, but still more than what you normally spend even when buying something big. So the person has to think about it. It can help you learn something interesting about the person (e.g., 'I would start a goat cheese farm') And can lead on to further engaging question/discussions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is some of what I think makes a good question. &lt;strong&gt;What else make a good question? What am I missing?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*To be clear I am looking for actual small talk questions &lt;strong&gt;Not&lt;/strong&gt; pick up lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4994" LastEditorUserId="4994" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T08:58:01.813" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T08:58:01.813" Title="What are some examples of / what makes a good small talk question?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;groups&gt;&lt;conventionality&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-01-19T04:55:22.373" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-19T02:29:04.303" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;“I feel that children that young, even as well-behaved as ours are, need to have their parents present.  But, I may some day (some reason for public attention) and don’t want to make the cover of &lt;em&gt;National Enquirer.&lt;/em&gt;  Besides, it’s kind of a nice gesture for my wife.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Thanks for asking, but we are about to go to _______.”  And if the place is sufficiently public for your comfort, add, “Would you like to join us?”  Obviously, you’d have to be prepared to actually do it when the situation arises.  It might still seem strange if you were quite the homebody before, and now you’re suddenly constantly going places.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="416" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T02:29:04.303" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9337" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9332" CreationDate="2018-01-19T04:43:28.563" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find the best way to get people talking is to talk to them about themselves. It helps if you find genuine interest in something that they may have already mentioned such as parts of their profession you want to know more about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also share some personal stories or experiences relating to this new person, for example if they shared that they just moved from New York, you can mention that you have been there and you liked this or that place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11609" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T04:43:28.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-19T04:51:44.370" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my perspective, there is no polite way to say such an impolite thing* without really exposing some brutal truths about you and your wife to her. You will have to lie somewhat if you want to maintain politeness here, or wade into extremely uncomfortable honesty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some only marginally dishonest suggestions for things to tell her that would be polite: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know my kids are friendly, but I have severe social anxiety. My wife is my anchor (that's why I married her) and I'd rather only spend time with new people while she's around. I'm so sorry. I hope I didn't insult you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If you do this one, you'll have to hold yourself to these standards with all other neighbors, too, including your male neighbors, until you get to know them better. This would be the polite thing to do). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really busy with [fill in the blank] for the next few months. I don't have a lot of spare time to socialize. All the free time I'll have to socialize in the coming months will be the time when my wife is also around. We really value socialization time together, so I actually make time for it when she's around. I also have extreme anxiety about my children being watched by people I don't know well. So hopefully we can get to know each other better (while my wife is around) and then my kids can come over sometime to play with yours. I really hope you understand. I don't mean to insult, I just have a really busy schedule. My kids really do enjoy hanging out with yours. Too bad their pop is a curmudgeon! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you'll have to be super busy for the next few months, but also again, that's only fair.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could go a self-deprecatingly honest route. It may lose you social credibility with her, but it shouldn't be impolite to her: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My wife doesn't trust me alone with other women. I don't trust me alone with other women. It's nothing against you, I don't know anything about you, really. You could be gay, you could be fed up with men entirely, you could find my company distasteful. I really have no idea. But long story short, I'm afraid I'm a dog and a scaredy cat, and I really can't do casual friendships with members of the opposite sex unless my wife is around to watch me like a hawk. Our kids really do like playing with each other, though, so I hope we're cool! Again, nothing against you. My wife and I just don't have a level of trust in our relationship that would enable me to spend time at your house while our kids play. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or a playfully honest route: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know the Vice President? I'm his body double. No really! I know I don't look anything like him, and nor does my wife look like his wife, but we do that same thing they do! No being alone with women who aren't my wife. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You get the idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*It may be polite to you and your wife, but it is incredibly impolite to your neighbor, no matter how you slice it. She may be gay, she may be overwhelmed by being a solo mom. She may not want to have you in her house, she may badly want company. At the end of the day, you're not looking out for your neighbor, you're looking out for yourself and your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11607" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T04:51:44.370" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9259" CreationDate="2018-01-19T05:07:26.843" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a bit of a stutterer/fumbler at times - it can be quite extreme where I just get stuck trying to verbalise a thought, it's as if there is something physically blocking a particular word or phrase on the way to my mouth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are in a conversation and the other person has begun to stutter, the most important thing to do is to be patient - as frustrating as it may be to deal with someone with a verbal stutter, I'm pretty sure it is more frustrating for that person. After all, it feels like our body/brain is simply betraying us in some way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stress will generally exacerbate a stutter - interrupting or &quot;suggesting&quot; a word will simply apply more stress on the stutterer - you're presenting them with your frustration, and highlighting something that they're already aware of. In addition, &quot;suggestions&quot; can easily be wrong or misleading, and trying to rectify a mistake simply increases the difficulty even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I've developed a couple of coping mechanisms - for example, when I find I've hit a block, it's usually very specific. I'll simply say &quot;words&quot;, and that lets the other party know I'm blocked and need a little space in the conversation before continuing - sometimes a slight change in subject before looping back helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd be hesitant at offering advice to a stutterer, though, unless you have also been through a similar experience - and I would do it in a complete separate conversation later in the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, just be patient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3109" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T05:07:26.843" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8427" CreationDate="2018-01-19T07:05:46.693" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm one of those guys. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I'm trying to save for a big investment (so what I do is actually a &lt;strong&gt;sacrifice&lt;/strong&gt;), I feel I'm blessed with greater success than some of my friends', therefore I &lt;em&gt;genuinely&lt;/em&gt; feel to share a part of it with them. I try not to show off, but sometimes I realize this can be the feelings of those who accept a meal or something to drink.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It has happened to me to fight over a bill, and let me tell you once again, it &lt;em&gt;was not about showing off&lt;/em&gt;, but rather about being generous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So unless you have a serious reason (e.g.: him boasting about his job and/or bottomless wallet) to think that he is showing off, I'd suggest a &quot;return-the-favour&quot; policy, which is what I have with my friends:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, if they get annoyed by me paying the bill and especially if they offer me money (which I won't accept), I say that I'm accepting &lt;em&gt;liquid refunds&lt;/em&gt; only, and that's final. Provided it doesn't need to be the full amount of what I paid, they can offer me a beer, a coffee, a cocktail, whatsoever. In this way I'm allowing my friends to repay me up to a certain extent and I spend more time with them (which, at the end of the day, is the thing I enjoy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could you propose/accept a similar policy and allow your friend to &quot;show off&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3408" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T07:05:46.693" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9341" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-19T07:34:32.043" Score="5" ViewCount="1528" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend in a group. Let's call her Wendy. The group is rather large and diverse, but a core 8-9 people meet regularly, and she is part of this core group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She and I have dated in the past&lt;/strong&gt;, but we didn't go very deep. Some dates, we didn't go past holding hands. I tend to make a lot of jokes and tease people; and she, to put it simply, has a quick and hot temper that arises at almost anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Examples:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Her hands were dirty so I took her napkin to wet it to help her and she lashed out at me for touching her napkin (paper ones).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Jokingly said that her distant not-so-close friend would not let her sleep on his bed if she visits him. (seriously, not many people would sacrifice their bed and go sleep on the couch)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She would not talk to me for a long time during the date then scold me. So after about about a month of dating I decided it was not worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now the strange part, she has done and does things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Meow in my ear at a party softly while putting her head on my shoulder (I'm not really into that kinda thing).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Grab my bag, me, and/or my keychains.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Constantly texts me about my current girlfriend and asksif I'm still with her. (Alice, my current girlfriend, and I had a big fight once and we were thinking of breaking it off.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sits really close to me and looks at me a lot whenever we are out as a group&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I have decided in my mind that I would like to continue to join this group on their outings, as most of the members are pretty cool people that I get along great with.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;However, whenever she is present, she will do some of the above and generally then the group will try to shift the entire activity to her liking (her tastes are unique).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have spoken to other people in the group about her behavior. They said that it was a by-product of her family situation and that I should just tolerate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did tell her that I found the meow strange but she told me that it was just a joke. After that she didn't do it again. (To me, it didn't feel like a joke at all.) She does this with others and I have asked one or two other members and they say that yeah, she's strange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR:&lt;/strong&gt; A girl I dated in the past in a group of friends kinda creeps me out. How do I deal with that while still wanting to enjoy the rest of the group?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T13:47:59.270" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T16:02:25.190" Title="Friend in a group behaving a bit strange, how to distance myself without being too forward?" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;south-east-asia&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9343" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-19T08:17:41.470" Score="10" ViewCount="3636" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's a little back story : &#xA;There's a girl from my school that's a year older than me that I got really close to.&#xA;Eventually, she ended up telling me that she liked me. Thing is, I don't know if I like her romantically, but she is definitely one of my favorite people.&#xA;Now she's graduating, and will soon be moving to another city. I'll be seeing her for the last time tomorrow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The complication comes from my feelings. When she told me she liked me, we didn't know each other that well. I was almost certain I would never like her. But over the past couple of months I have really started to develop a liking for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, I don't know if these are romantic feelings or not. I just really enjoy talking to her and spending time with her (as does she, I presume). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I don't think telling her how I feel is a good idea. She will definitely be heart broken if she finds out I've been keeping this from her, considering that I'll probably never see her again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last time I saw her was about a week ago at her graduation party. I only said goodbye to her, not realizing that that was one of the last times I'd be seeing her. She confronted me about it after the fact, and made it clear that she wished I hugged her and at least told her I'd miss her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's the most appropriate way to say goodbye to her without promising her a future relationship and minimal chance of hurting her feelings?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit : I'm also quite bad with words, and I've hurt her feelings by saying the wrong thing a few times before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8167" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-07T11:04:49.763" LastActivityDate="2019-03-07T11:04:49.763" Title="What do I do when I'm meeting a girl that likes me for the last time" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-goodbye&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9341" CreationDate="2018-01-19T08:21:33.647" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To your straightforward question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how do i deal with that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have straight forward suggestion&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tell her you are more distant than before and you want that distance to be respected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be straightforward and tell her, so that she cannot fake misunderstandings.&#xA;As per your other concern&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;while still wanting to enjoy the rest of the group?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a group with person A, person B, person C and Wendy... please notice that your relationship with person A is independent from your relationship with person B which in turn is independent from your relationship with person C which in turn is independent from your relationship with Wendy, etc. etc.&#xA;Should she start bearing a grudge with you due to her cognitive dissonance about her chances to get back with you, it would be her problem and her problem only: that should not prevent you from enjoying the company of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a large group, as you said, and with a core of 8-9 people there's plenty of room for both Wendy and you to be there without necessarily having direct interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T08:27:41.693" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T08:27:41.693" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9343" CreationDate="2018-01-19T08:24:47.190" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why don't you tell her what's going on with you lately if you think you like her as well? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look, try to keep things clear. If you really feel like she's the one and no-one else can replace her, then go on and tell her, she might be angry for a while but at the end, things will work out. Now, regarding the distance, you have to think about that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11627" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T11:12:28.890" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T11:12:28.890" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9343" CreationDate="2018-01-19T08:29:08.667" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel like you'd like to stay in touch with her, and possible try thing out long distance, telling her would be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that isn't something you'd be interested in, then it would be best not to tell her you may have feelings for her, I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, meeting her and saying you miss hanging out with her and that you value her friendship, and wishing her the best from here on out, even hugging, is perfectly acceptable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just go hang out with her one last time. If you so choose, suggest a method to keep in touch even though she is moving. Just make sure she knows if you have romantic intentions or not when doing so, so as to not give her false hope or anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T08:29:08.667" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9343" CreationDate="2018-01-19T08:41:58.813" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Best bet right now is to give her a nice farewell maybe even suggest like a quiet drink (could be a coffee at starbucks) with just the two of you and enjoy it as possibly the last time you both will have such. Giving her that farewell will not only make her feel better about letting go but also let you have a quick evaluation about the state of your own feelings and if it strikes you propose a friendly long distance relationship (like close friends but LD). If it develops, it does, if not then see where the ship sails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TDLR: Have a short one-on-one time with her before she leaves for closure. Do make it clear that it isn't a path to the beginning of a serious relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T08:41:58.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9348" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9341" CreationDate="2018-01-19T09:09:14.713" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;i did tell her that i found the meow weird but she told me it's just a joke. But she didn't do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the above example you raised an issue with a specific behavior of hers and she downplayed it in person by saying it was just a joke, &lt;strong&gt;but then respected the boundary that you had placed.&lt;/strong&gt; From this, it is reasonable to assume that she would also respect a larger boundary if you asked her to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Downplaying/denying embarrassing actions such as flirting (which is what she was doing) is a very normal and common reaction from people when confronted with those actions. She said that it was just a joke with the purring, and may say something similar when you establish this new boundary; I would not argue or worry about this. Your goal is to stop those actions and not put her down, and even if she tries to save face in the moment, from what we can tell it is clear she will respect your wishes and stop after you ask her to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, when raising the issue try not to point fingers or make it personal. When you have a private moment, simply explain the actions you are uncomfortable with in a polite manner and I don't see how there would be any problems&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T09:09:14.713" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9259" CreationDate="2018-01-19T09:15:41.193" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend has this and he has made it better for himself. He consciously slows down his speech to phrase things more clearly and we don't ever rush him so he doesn't feel under pressure. He got more confident when he realised he wasn't being hurried and people &lt;em&gt;weren't&lt;/em&gt; getting impatient. As long as he takes his time, no one really notices his stutter unless he is very stressed indeed&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just wait patiently while he gets it out, however long it takes. It sounds like what he knows is valuable and could be worth the wait. Email (above) is a good suggestion but its only a workaround. Hopefully you'll get better at listening to him and he'll get better at speaking more freely when there is no real or imagined pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="427" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T09:15:41.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9343" CreationDate="2018-01-19T09:26:29.630" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you should listen to your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The last time I saw her was about a week ago at her graduation party. I only said goodbye to her, not realizing that that was one of the last times I'd be seeing her. She confronted me about it after the fact, and made it clear that &lt;strong&gt;she wished I hugged her and at least told her I'd miss her&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can hug and tell someone you will miss them without being in a romantic relationship, (assuming you’re comfortable with doing so). You could also suggest keeping in touch via social media/texting/calling etc. but only if that’s something you would like to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note: I think you’re right that this is not the time to bring up the topic of a romantic relationship. If she brings it up I would recommend saying something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’m confused about my own feelings and this isn’t a good point at which to start a romantic relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2356" LastEditorUserId="2356" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T13:41:28.547" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T13:41:28.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9343" CreationDate="2018-01-19T10:22:50.693" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Get Skype and stay in touch. Don't start anything romantic. Things will tend to change as you two do not see each other. Be genuine, get in touch with your own thoughts and feelings. O.K. to give her a hug and let her know you'll miss her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11632" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T10:22:50.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9354" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-19T12:10:38.990" Score="47" ViewCount="9636" Body="&lt;p&gt;Apologies for the large amount of run-up; the context feels very relevant:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I live in a 1930s block of flats in London. We are on the ground floor, of a staircase of 8 flats, so we're at least slightly familiar with &lt;em&gt;(almost)&lt;/em&gt; everyone in the block.&#xA;We own our flat, but I believe several of the flats are owned (effectively) by the council and are rented out as council flats. This block and the others on the rest of the estate around us are run by &quot;BarnetHomes&quot; on behalf of the council.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the flat directly above ours, lives a lady whom we have never seen (in the 2 years we've lived there). We suspect that she is physically and/or mentally disabled, for a handful of reasons (some of which relate to other parts of question, hence listing them here):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Never having seen her leave the flat.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's never answered her door when we've knocked (3-4 random times over the 2 years)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has a friend (&quot;Ray&quot;) who visits her very regularly (I probably &lt;em&gt;notice&lt;/em&gt; him come past 4+ times a week so it seems likely that he's visiting 5-6 times a week) and appears to bring her groceries with him each time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has some sort of small yappie dog, which never leaves the flat either (we can hear his skittering on the floor above and barking, but never see it taken outside)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In a previous (non-confrontational) conversation with Ray in which I was asking to come into the flat above, he responded with &quot;Oh no, you can't do that; she doesn't like to have other people come into the flat&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comments from other flat-owners on the staircase that &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; think she's disabled in some way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of the above are conclusive, and some aspects are VERY circumstancial, but that's the context I'm working in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned above, she has a small dog, and about a month ago, our fuse cupboard (basically a 50 cm deep closet) started to smell incredibly strongly of wet dog. It varies from day to day but at a minimum it's always strong enough that you can smell it if you sniff at the closed cupboard door, and at worst it's frequently strong enough that it actively bothers me 3-4 metres away from the (closed) cupboard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The flats in the block are all laid out identically, so the main power lines running up to the flat above, with &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; fuse boxes, all lined up in a vertical column. We believe that there is an air channel running between her fuse cupboard and ours, and that the smell is coming down from her flat.&#xA;We've previously had an issue with a leak from 3 flats above coming down through all of the fuse cabinets down the stair &lt;em&gt;(yeah, I know ... leaks in the space running the electrics. Fun Times.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of weeks ago, I saw Ray passing and mentioned this smell and asked if I could come up to take a look to try to confirm the issue and see what options we (he and I) might have to resolve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As noted he refused the concept of me coming to take a look. He also refuted that there were any smells in her flat and said that maybe it was coming from the hall (it wasn't). I invited him to come in and smell the fuse cupboard to see if he had any advice. He came in and said he couldn't smell anything in the fuse cupboard. I think I &lt;strong&gt;believe&lt;/strong&gt; that he couldn't smell anything, but he was wrong - it smelt bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over Christmas I had asked 3 different people at different times to take a look in the fuse cupboard and give me their thoughts (with no other prompt). All 3 asked whether I was talking about the smell, so it's definitely not just me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably worth noting at this point that Ray appears to have terrible health. He's severely obese, has several missing teeth and awful looking gums and needs to rest for a bit before walking up the stairs whilst carrying his friend's groceries. I don't know whether he couldn't detect the smell because he'd just come down from the flat and had aclimated to the smell, or whether his health has simply damaged his sense of smell entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last week, out of curiosity I walked upstairs and quietly sniffed at the key hole of the flat above.&#xA;It stank of the same wet dog smell. I would expect to be unwilling to spend more than a few minutes inside the flat, based on the smell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What do I do now?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they were any of the other neighbours, with whom I have more normal interactions, I would just go and talk to them and explain that it really is a problem, try to sort it out by discussing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't really know how to approach it in these particular circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to just leave it, because it's pretty unpleasant, and also because I would expect it to cause issues when we want to sell in another {however many years}.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Escalating up to BarnetHomes (whom are our Freeholders/management company and we assume are &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; Landlord/Freeholder too) seems like an unwise Nuclear option. But equally it seems like if we wait 9 months and then tell them that there has been a problem for ages, then I would expect them to say &quot;why didn't you tell us previously?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is a sensible set of next steps to try to resolve this?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4808" LastEditorUserId="11262" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T13:58:34.490" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T22:46:03.317" Title="How to address awful smells from the flat above" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-12-18T10:07:56.473" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9354" CreationDate="2018-01-19T12:53:41.937" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you are pretty much out of options and did everything right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To recap:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you tried to establish contact to the person&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you confronted the only person you know to have contact to your neighbor&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you investigated the source of the problem as far as you can without overstepping your boundaries&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you can do to satisfy your bad conscience, which there is no need for:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;confront Ray directly and tell him that you and others have noticed a smell and think it is coming from their flat&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;ask directly for permission to investigate further (checking their flat)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As there has been confusion about this I will elaborate a bit further. I do not want him to try to push himself in there and sniff (quite literally) around in their flat. As he has mentioned, his flat is right under hers, so to rule out things like a broken pipe in the ceiling/floor from some waste pipe or even just water would be really helpful. He could simply say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, remember when we spoke about this strange smell? I think there is something wrong with the air channel at the fuse cupboard and I would like to have a look from above. May I come inside for a quick look?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ray obviously had a problem with him comming inside when he asked before. I simply wanted to make sure that he &lt;em&gt;directly&lt;/em&gt; mentions his intend and gives Ray a chance to evaluate it on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;let him know that you will take further action to try to resolve this issue&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Careful:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;if he denies that the smell is coming from them do not accuse them. Just say&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hm ok, I have asked everyone else and we can not figure out the source. I think I will ask BarnetHomes to investigate this issue, thanks for your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you should do in any case:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be good to get support from some  neighbors, that would be willing to testify the smell and unwillingness of the smell-producer to authorities. Mention your plan to involve authorities and look at their reaction. You do not want them to back out, when push comes to shove and at least say that they have noticed it too and find it unsettling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then contact BarnetHomes people for their flat and ask them to resolve this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You live in a house with other people, there are boundaries to uphold, even if you are disabled. If this is indeed the case and they have a hard time, Ray could have explained the situation to you when you spoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They/him chose not to. Not your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion you exhausted your interpersonal options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastEditorUserId="5534" LastEditDate="2018-01-20T13:02:47.200" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T13:02:47.200" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9343" CreationDate="2018-01-19T13:09:21.740" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest to not take any step towards a relationship or away from it if you are still considering your feelings and can't decide whether you like her romantically or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving her a nice farewell is a nice idea. Spend a whole day with her, doing things she would enjoy or better, you both would enjoy. Life takes turns in weird ways. The distance will bring a change in your relations. It might bring you both closer if you both like each other. When you will miss each other's company, you both will know what you want. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do stay in constant touch with her if you like it. I mean to say don't hold back. Don't rush into things either by trying to reach a conclusion to these feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that if she really likes you, she would have the instincts to know that you like her too and it would be a similar case with you. Just give it time and if you do know that you like her, do let her know. Then, she will not be angry at you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now would also not be a good time to decide anything since this can be a rush of emotions since she is moving to another city. So, just stick to what already exists and time will tell what exists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the best!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11646" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T13:15:23.970" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T13:15:23.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9313" CreationDate="2018-01-19T13:50:20.553" Score="1" Body="&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;How can I refuse the gift, with minimal drama?&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't it's a juxtaposition; refusing a gift causes lot more hassle for the other parties involved and thus more of a reason for them to cause drama about it. If it's useful use it, if it's not sell it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A message like in Forklifts answer is more than adequate to resolve receiving unwanted gifts again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other answers haven't mentioned that the relationship between you and your parents, I assume your father in particular, is real issue at hand. I totally get not wanting to upset them but you'll be causing them more upset in the long run hiding it, or worse you might not get the opportunity to tell them and then you'll have to deal with guilt and regret.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are they already knew something was up, just talk to them about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11647" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T13:50:20.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9354" CreationDate="2018-01-19T14:12:53.103" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;The UK Government publish some advice on resolving neighbour disputes, and although you haven't managed to talk to the neighbour herself, i think this qualifies because you &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; make contact with her.&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gov.uk/how-to-resolve-neighbour-disputes&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to resolve neighbour disputes&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BarnetHomes own website is unhelpful on the subject, but you may be able to find out if they have a locus in this by contacting their general enquiries email talk2us@barnethomes.org Freephone 0800 3895225 They should quickly know if they rent the property or whether this comes under their Freehold Landlord duties. if you are concerned about 'shopping' someone you could initially frame it as a general enquiry and only give the addresses in question if they seem likely to be able to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HOWEVER:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stepping outside of your own issues with smells pervading your property, this seems to come down to a vulnerable person who is living in insanitary conditions. While Ray may be doing his best, he is clearly not on top of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not tackle this as 'how to sort out the smell', but 'how to make sure that a vulnerable neighbour gets the support she requires to live in a safe, hygienic and supported environment'. That approach puts the problem into the realm of Social Care and I suggest approaching socialcaredirect@barnet.gov.uk 020 8359 7651&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;OR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;go along to your local councillor's next surgery and explain the situation, both your concern for a vulnerable neighbour and the direct effect on your own property. A Councillor can generally get away with approaching the wrong part of the council confident that folk will make sure the issue gets to the right desk, in a way that us mere mortals can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, consider keeping your distance a little. Collaring Ray to ask to be let into the flat, or being seen sniffing at keyholes may be open to misinterpretation of your motives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T14:19:48.080" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9360" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9187" CreationDate="2018-01-19T14:37:21.333" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to give you my perspective; I was labeled, but never officially diagnosed, with dyslexia around the age of 6. I had extra English lessons and struggled with English in general throughout school and still to this day, although granted not at all severe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a child is in that grey-area of &quot;dyslexic or not&quot; and you're talking about something wrong with them, you use the word illness, and say they can't do something. You will seriously damage their confidence and ability. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no doubt diagnoses and treatment early on works for severe cases. But if it's not that serious the single best thing you can do is to be positive, to inspire and to motivate; because at the end of the day that's what most of dyslexia treatment is anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11647" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T14:37:21.333" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9361" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-19T14:42:20.393" Score="0" ViewCount="1372" Body="&lt;p&gt;To establish the background of the story, let me explain who is the flirt and what is the relationship between each other in my case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a 23 years old male and my flirt is also 23 years old but a female. Me and she are both open-minded about anything and we are funny. We always make jokes about sex, but we never done that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, we went the same highschool but had never talked back then. But last summer, I texted her somehow and we started chatting. After a while, we decided to meet. The meeting was pretty good actually since we are both selective when it comes to communication. After two or three meetings, we stopped talking because I'm a person who waits the initiation from opposite party. It seems like she is too...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the question part:&#xA;Today we have started chatting again but the interesting part is we were being childish and funny again. But at the end the conversation went like this(I don't know any way to improve visual on this conversation if any, sorry):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She: I thought you were irritated because of me and because of this I also got irritated by you :D&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Wow, actually I didn't even think anything like that, why didn't you share that with me at least?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  She: Do we need to tell this to other party in these kind of conversations, lol.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Okey. (Me being on standby mode, waiting her to share her actual    feelings, didn't work as you can see)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  She: Okey...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I say in such situation to make her open her feelings? I know she is into me but I don't know the key or whatsoever. Conversations like this have occured to me way too much and I felt like I need to ask you about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11651" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T14:54:43.883" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T15:20:13.553" Title="How to react when your flirt gives the same respond like you did" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-19T15:16:03.037" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9354" CreationDate="2018-01-19T14:45:16.153" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your description, the problem is almost certainly pet fouling - the dog is peeing in the flat and this is leaking into your flat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to &lt;a href=&quot;http://thebarnetgroup.org/bh/home-advice/antisocial-activity/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://thebarnetgroup.org/bh/home-advice/antisocial-activity/&lt;/a&gt;, this is antisocial behaviour (&quot;problems caused by pets such as noise, fouling or stray animals&quot;).  They do advise you to talk to her first.  If she won't answer the door then perhaps leave a note pinned to her door?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main thing is not to phrase the situation as a question, but as a statement of fact.  There are three statements of fact here:-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can smell dog pee in my flat.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't have a dog, and nor do my neighbours.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You do have a dog.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, give options for resolution:-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She contacts you to discuss the situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After 14 days, you contact BarnetHomes and pass the problem to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not at all a nuclear option.  The reason you have a management company is precisely to deal with things like this.  Besides which, even if it causes bad feelings between you and Ray, is this actually a problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also want to check your contract with the management company to see whether pets are generally allowed in the flats.  If they aren't, then she (or Ray) may be violating the terms of their lease anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T14:45:16.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9363" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9361" CreationDate="2018-01-19T14:51:41.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;She: Do we need to tell this to other party in these kind of conversations, lol.     &#xA;Me: Okey.&#xA;She: Okey...&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you did was to just accept what she said instead of asking a followup-question as you should have done. Something along the lines&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No we don't have to, but I would like to know. So would you mind&#xA;  sharing that with me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will continue the conversation. In case she doesn't want to tell you, you could continue the conversation by asking for the reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes it's all theoretical and hard to predict how it will keep going, but I hope it gives you an idea what you did wrong and how you could improve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T14:51:41.523" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9361" CreationDate="2018-01-19T15:14:30.720" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What should I say in such situation to make her open her feelings? I know she is into me but I don't know the key or whatsoever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to answer this thoroughly, we need to break it down in several points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's start from that single specific conversation that undeniably left you both hanging.&#xA;In order to unblock those types of hanging, even and especially considering that you two are funny prone-to-jokes people, I'd go with a &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;° ° ° Ping ° ° °  &lt;a href=&quot;https://emojipedia.org/upside-down-face/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;[smiling upside-down emoticon here]&lt;/a&gt; Your silence usually scares me. [big open-mouthed smile emoticon here] Alright, so, sorry for being awkward... [close-mouthed blushing smile here]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...after this &quot;unblocking&quot; line, try to IMMEDIATELY move out of the awkward zone with something along the line of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you're not s_itting your pants, I'd like to go watch &quot;The midnight man&quot; at the movies tonight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just a silly example. Use basically ANY activity you can suggest in a funny way in order to get out of the previous awkward situation and at the same time spend time with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alright, so, done with the unblocking an awkward situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the slightly longer run, as you know/suspect that she's into you on some levels, just go ahead and be straightforward (and, as always, funny), tell her in person.&#xA;You seem to go along well so there should not be problems raising the issue, for example, with a&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, lissen, lemme do something I apparently can do pretty well, like making things awkward. I wanna tell you something... and I wanna tell you straight: what about us? Are we into each other? This has been milling around my mind for a while now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once your feelings toward each other are clear, everything will be easier imo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T15:20:13.553" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T15:20:13.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9354" CreationDate="2018-01-19T15:28:21.110" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like it's time for a police welfare check...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your assumptions are correct; that there's a disabled person living in an apartment with a small dog in unsanitary conditions, your looking at a possible case of neglect and/or abuse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's sad, but often these cases go unnoticed until neighbors complain. It's unfortunate that they usually complain about things like bad smells before complaining about another person's or animal's well being, but I suspect that it isn't a matter of being uncaring, but rather a side effect of the &quot;mind your own business&quot; attitude that becomes ingrained in some communities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide it's time to contact the police, try to make it about concern for the well being of the person and dog who live there. The police will likely be more helpful if it's a matter of health and safety, rather than neighbors complaining about a bad smell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that if your assumptions are correct that they'll remove the dog and get the person adequate care, whether that be a social worker, or placement in an assisted living facility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T15:28:21.110" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-19T19:04:58.223" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Although she knows that, her argument is that if everybody leaves it on standby then it sums up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's an SNL skit about a bank that does nothing but provide change. Their explanation for how they can make money this way: volume. The point of the joke is that this doesn't make sense: an unprofitable policy is an unprofitable policy. Scaling it up just makes it even more unprofitable. If the money saved by one person is significantly less than the hassle that that person experiences, then having everyone do this just means that the total hassle exceeds the total money saved by an even larger amount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Every other day I forget to turn off my monitor, so it goes into standby mode.&#xA;  On each of these occasions there was a post-it on my monitor that reminded me to always turn it off and not in a very polite way. I have already told her that I'm sorry if I sometimes forget it, and that I'm trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that Anne had gotten the company to endorse her position that people should turn off their monitors, but you don't mention exactly the phrasing. I would guess that it's more along the lines of &quot;It would be good for people to turn off their monitors&quot;, than &quot;Everyone should turn off their monitors, and anyone who notices that others aren't doing so are welcome to become self-appointed monitor nags&quot;. I could be wrong about that, and if so you'll have to adjust my answer to compensate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should not apologize for forgetting to turn off your monitor. You are not making a deliberate choice to not turn off your monitor, and it's of such extremely low priority that it is not worth worrying about when you forget. Merely making an effort to remember, and generally doing so, is well within sufficient consideration of the matter. And even if it weren't, it's not Anne's place to complain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion of what to say to Anne:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anne, I realize that turning off monitors is important to you. You are welcome to that opinion, but it is inappropriate to try to impose that opinion on others. Whether or not I turn off my monitor is between me and the company, and your behavior is creating a hostile work environment. Any issue you have with energy usage should be addressed to the company. I do not wish for you to make any further comments to me regarding my monitor, and failing to respect this wish going forward constitutes harassment. Furthermore, interfering with my equipment is a serious violation both against the company and me personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she tries to argue, just state &quot;I have made my position clear, and there is no need to discuss the issue further. If you have a problem with the situation, you should discuss it with management. Any further discussion of it with me is inappropriate.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T19:04:58.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9371" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9313" CreationDate="2018-01-19T20:06:11.150" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't expect an easy and appropriate request from your inappropriate behavior. You gave her a gift, people who receive gifts like to give things back as their gift to the same person. This is common sense, but the problem here is you have complicated matters by doing something which is totally contradictory to what you feel and that is giving her, a gift. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you are stuck in a dilemma with the other party thinking that the dynamics or your social relationship is fine when it comes to gift giving since you yourself gave the &quot;green-light&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, how to get yourself out of it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say be straightforward, use this as an excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Listen, I only gave you that gift as a formality considering the occasion and you gave me one in return which is more enough for me. Though I understand your sentiments but frankly I do not wish to receive further gifts from you. That's all, have a good day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least that is what I would do, your personality maybe different but if you follow through my advice, I'm pretty sure it would solve the issue and regardless of personality differences I believe looking for a solution is all that matters. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11676" LastEditorUserId="5504" LastEditDate="2018-01-19T20:35:22.120" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T20:35:22.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5907" CreationDate="2018-01-19T20:14:32.280" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Get them to solve a mutual problem, I don't have an idea of what the mutual problem could be, but this is my idea of solving your problem. You know like when aliens try to invade earth in the movies and suddenly Russia and America are allies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might sound stupid and far-fetched because it's on the movies but there is no reason for it not to work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, they are family, all they need is a little &quot;push&quot; for them to put their pride aside and cooperate. Hopefully things will work out for you! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BONUS: You can also try and steer them to mutually hate or love something. Maybe something could come out of it, just try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11676" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T20:14:32.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9375" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2018-01-19T21:11:04.403" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am/have been in a similar situation. What worked for me was to be direct and unambiguous with my parents about the new relationship:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do not have a relationship with my brother anymore. That is in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then made their expectations clear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you ever knowingly put me in a situation where he and I are in the same room, I will hold you fully accountable and put you in the past as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I let them know how I could support it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will not visit before calling and I will never ask you not to invite him. Your responsibility will be to inform me when you know a collision may happen and my responsibility will be to choose how to handle that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last thing I did was set conversational boundaries:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Any attempts to talk to me about this that I do not bring up will be met with me ending the conversation and leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will be the one to let you know if anything changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It helped that I have a long history of doing exactly what I say, so they have seen very consistent behavior from me and to their credit are very supportive of the new relationship dynamic. YMMV, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T21:11:04.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2539" CreationDate="2018-01-19T22:03:52.407" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I tell them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your parents are having a hard time emphathizing with you.  From the comments bellow the question it sounds like you may have already done the following but if you havn't then you should now,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Tell them the exact reprucussions you are going through.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tell them about your nightmares,  Tell them about the insomnia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you tell them these things to your parents in private, you don't want interuptions from other people to derail the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be warned your parents are likely to respond with something along the lines of  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;if you would just forgive all that stuff would go away.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope your parents don't say that to you but if they do, it will be important for you to remember that they don't understand your pain.  If they did they woundn't be pushing you to gloss things over.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So respond to them with something like this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How I feel is a direct result of my sister knowingly betraying me,&#xA;  and insulting my worth as a human being by telling be that I'm a&#xA;  horrible person.&quot;&#xA;  Can you honestly tell me that if she had done this to you that you wouldn't &#xA;  not feel exactly as I do? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to consider doing the above in writing so as to avoid an argument.  If you do tell them in a letter make sure to tell them that you are cominicating via letter becuase you love them and want to avoid a fight.  The &quot;love them&quot; part is important because it precludes the claim that you wrote the letter out of cowardice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If showing them the full extent of your pain does not diminish the preasure they are putting on you to reconcile, well, you will either have to keep repeating yourself, or stop seeing them as much.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How do I respond when they try to get me to go to family events with&#xA;  her?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them &quot;I simply will not hang around some one who deliberately betrays me.  I don't want to get close enough to her for her to betray me again,  and it's too painful for me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do I just have to accept they will view me as the bad guy for not&#xA;  accepting her &quot;compromise&quot; of sweeping it under the rug?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably.  Unfortunately many people seem to lack the ability to tell the difference between some one who repents of something did wrong and some one who just want to gloss over their mistakes and pretend they didn't happen.  Which is a shame because when you paint over rusted metal, it starts to flake off awfully quickly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Were you don't follow your families religion It will be tempting for them to use the narrative that you are the black sheep of the family and your &quot;lack of forgiveness&quot; is just one more of your supposed shortcomings.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can counteract this narrative by making extra efforts to show your family that you do care about them.  visit them more then you normally would (when your sister is not there).  Send them little letters thanking them for something recent that they said or did that was nice.  If there is nothing recent thank them for something from a long time past.  Call them just to say hi and see what's going on in their lives.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note if they try to talk about you and your siste say &quot;I don't want to talk about it&quot;  and then ask them about work, your cousin, the dog whatever (to distract them)  if they persist,  Tell them kindly that you will end the call if they insist on talking about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By proactively seeking connection with the rest of your family you will over time (probably years) show them that you are a loving caring person, who won't betray or abandon them.  And their narrative will slowly change.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;=====================================&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this portion I've included some response to all of the tactics your family uses to pressure you  into forgiving your sister, or at least the ones you listed in your question.  Please be aware that these responses are not designed to calm tensions.  They are designed to set your accusers on their heals so to speak.  To show the fallacies and short comings of their arguments.  I include them because I believe it is important for us to be able to stand up for themselves.  Don't just use these responses verbatim.  They will be most useful to you if you think about them and write down how you feel about both the accusation against you and the response provided bellow.  Writing down how you feel about the accusation and response will help you understand yourself, and the situation better.  Which will in turn strengthen your ability to defend yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It makes your mother so sad to think of her family never having a big&#xA;  happy get-together again&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't you think it hurts me too?  My sister betrayed me, how do you think I feel?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're being selfish, your sister's choice made her happy, don't you&#xA;  want her to be happy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That road goes both ways isn't my sister supposed to want me to be happy as well?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I can see why what she did hurt you, but you shouldn't have done&#xA;  XYZ in the first place&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two wrongs don't make a right, they just make more wrong. &#xA;Just because I made mistakes doesn't excuse her for betraying me, and telling me that I'm a horrible person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's been months/years, this is how things are now, you need to accept&#xA;  that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How does accepting the situation help me heal my pain?  I know that this is how things are now,  That makes the pain worse not better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She's reached out with those texts and you're not even giving her a&#xA;  chance, so the rift is really your fault now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's not mending anything, what she's doing is pretending that she never did anything wrong.  If the rift between us is ever going to be mended she must give me and honest heartfelt apology.  Until she does our relationship can not heal.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But she's your only sister, you don't want to end up like [estranged&#xA;  extended family member], do you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No I don't.  I also don't want to associate with some one who is willing to betray her own sister.  I want to avoid being hurt by her again.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It must be exhausting holding on to all that anger for so long, I&#xA;  can't even imagine..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ya,  it sucks, but you know, your passive aggressive comments only make the pain worse.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Thoughts,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I'm glad your getting professional help.  I'm not a psychologist, or a counselor, but I have seen first hand the trauma cause by personal betrayals.  And it is indeed traumatic.  I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've learned some things about forgiveness that it may be worth thinking about.&#xA;From your question, and my experience with this sort of trauma I'm going to guess that talking about forgiveness is frustrating to you.  So if you find any thing I say below frustrating please feel free to call me an A** hole and quite reading. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) People talk about Forgiveness as if you can just say &quot;ok I forgive you&quot; and poof everything is magically better.  That is not how forgiveness works at all.  Especially when betrayed by a close loved one.  After all the lowest level of Hell is reserved for traitors right? (paraphrased from Dante's Inferno or Pirates of the Caribbean) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) It's a lot easier to forgive someone when they are actually sorry for what they've done.  Forgiving some one who's not sorry is somewhat a kin to grabbing a red hot rod of metal.  your probably going to let go after 1/10 of a second because it's just too d**n painful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Forgivness for this sort of hurt usually takes years.  Also, you can forgive some one and still not trust them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) forgiveness is not about making the other persons life better.  It's about making our life better.  It's about escaping all the anger, and then healing from the pain (the anger is often a way of coping with the pain)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck working all this out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2018-01-19T22:03:52.407" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9377" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-19T22:56:40.430" Score="2" ViewCount="1035" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who I'm very close with and this has been something that truly, truly bothers me since I've met her. I've known her for about 4 years now and I have never gathered the courage to tell her that the way she chews is loud and obnoxious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once she was having an altercation with a coworker and complained to me about it. The coworker told her that she smacks her teeth when she chews and it's so loud. My friend said &quot;I don't think I do that&quot; and since she was so upset about the situation I said &quot;maybe record yourself and see?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know, that's a lame answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then one time she was chewing incredibly loud and I said &quot;hey you're kind of chewing with your mouth open&quot; and she proceeded to not do that for the next couple minutes but then soon resumed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then another time we were with another friend who also said she could &quot;hear her chewing right in my ear&quot; but didn't say it to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know she's not doing this on purpose which is why I would feel terrible bringing it up. She's so self conscious as it is, I don't know how I can break it to her, especially after 4 years of not saying anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7025" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T14:29:54.113" Title="How can I convey to a friend that the way she chews is incredibly loud and uncomfortable?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-20T14:59:31.783" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5060" CreationDate="2018-01-20T04:22:49.810" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I've been in similar situations, I've been honest about (my) not understanding, rather than pretending to have a two-way conversation. I'll ask the person to repeat what they've just said, or to speak slower, or even to spell a word I'm having difficulty with (which will often help make sense of the rest of the words, giving context to what's been said). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think people appreciate other's honesty and genuine desire to understand, rather than nodding and politely pretending to &quot;get it&quot;. While easier in the moment, this probably doesn't leave the person feeling truly understood. Once you've figured out what works, things get easier over time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11681" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T04:22:49.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7542" CreationDate="2018-01-20T06:32:51.757" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have recently observed that a lot of my highly educated female friends (doctors, Ph.Ds, etc) are with much younger men. Why is this? I think it's because sexism (the same version that causes people to pester you about the age gap - women must be &quot;younger&quot; and &quot;less experienced&quot; relative to men in order to make people feel comfortable with the situation) has collectively set back the life stages of women relative to men. Even though you're still studying, and she's already working, if you fast forward a few years to you being fresh out of school and her having worked the past few years, you'll probably be making the same amount of money she is, have the same social status, etc. So my suggestion is for you to use the following double edged sword:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't worry. Sexism is going to hold her career back, so in no time, we'll be social equals. And then if we ever have kids, this country's parental leave policies will basically kill her career, while I'll have no time to spend with our children, and will therefore continue working. So come back in a decade and check in on us! If your attitudes have anything to do with it, I'll be so far ahead of her, you'll never guess she's 5 years my senior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11607" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T06:32:51.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9313" CreationDate="2018-01-20T07:06:39.667" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Buying/leaving the gift for your sister was a mistake, as you seem to recognize. What I would recommend doing from here is sending her an email or text among the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry if my leaving a gift for you confused you or made you feel the need to reciprocate. I was concerned about our mother making a scene if I didn't bring one and I assume you got mine for the same reason. I don't want this to become a reoccurring issue. I do not wish to receive gifts or messages from you in the future. I will not be getting gifts for you again or contacting you again after this message. P.S. I will not be going to our parents house for several months, if you are there sooner, please retrieve and return your gift.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your sister is already aware of the reason why you do not wish to have contact with her (and mostly seems fine not contacting you), there is no cause to explain the reasoning behind your wishes here. Unless your sister is actively trying to cause discord between you and your parents, there is no reason for her to bring up this message with them. If your parents are aware of the issue between the two of you and do not want a scene, then they will keep quiet about the lack of gift exchange between you as long as the two of you don't draw attention to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If any of the above statements are not true, then you might have to deal with drama because someone else is determined to start some. If such is the case, try to keep in mind that you aren't the cause of the drama; whoever felt the need to make a scene about an issue that really should just be between you and your sister is. Also remember that you are an adult with your own home and life and are free to leave if your family isn't willing to respect your feelings or stay out of your problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind though, that if you and/or your sister are trying not to draw attention to your estrangement or to keep up appearances for your parents or other relatives sakes, then your sister might not retrieve the gift if she can't do so inconspicuously. That means you might be stuck with this gift just like she was stuck with the scarf. At least you should be able to cut off further gifts by communicating your wishes now and not contradicting them in the future. If she continues to buy them to keep up appearances, just quietly leave them behind, unopened. If she (or your parents) asks why you haven't accepted them, remind her/them that you two aren't on good terms and leave it at that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6343" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T07:06:39.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9259" CreationDate="2018-01-20T10:20:18.757" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Greetings Interpersonal people. Thought I'd join to add my own perspective to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifically on the subject of completing the stutterer's sentences: PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a bit of a stutter most of my life. It comes and goes, it's no big deal to me these days. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no particular reason, cause, trigger as far as I can tell. It's totally random -  I can present to a room full of people no problems, and then I'll try to tell a joke to a best friend, and stutter all over the shop...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to my point. When people try to complete my sentences:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're trying to help. I totally understand, and have no problem with that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It actually shows they're comfortable with communicating with me. That's OK.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Almost without fail, they'll complete my sentence in a way that's not &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; what I was trying so say.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The final point makes it is REALLY frustrating and annoying. Which has the effect of increasing the anxiety of the situation and creating a feedback loop which makes the situation (a.k.a the stuttering) WORSE.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be patient. Wait, listen, let us say what we want to say. And it'll improve (a little).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think trying to speed up the conversation is possibly the worst thing in fact. If I ever talk to another stutterer, my own stutter completely disappears. I've no idea what THAT'S all about, other than it's &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; because the pace of the overall conversation is reduced, which gives me the space and time to separate the processing the conversation from the mental effort of working my mouth parts!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11689" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T10:20:18.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9385" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9377" CreationDate="2018-01-20T14:29:54.113" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't, there isn't a kind way, and chances are that the problem lies with you, not with your friend.   I am speaking from a point of experience as I too am very sensitive to chewing, swallowing, and digestive sounds.  Someone else mentioned Misophonia, something that you may have, and something that I am likely to have as well.  If you do relay this information to your friend it will likely damage your friendship and give her a complex about it.  You need to use this as an opportunity to overcome, or simply leave the room when your friend eats.  I noticed that if I am eating at the same time it doesn't bother me as much.  If I'm not, well it gives me an opportunity to learn self control, or to put on my headphones and listen to some music.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11690" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T14:29:54.113" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9259" CreationDate="2018-01-20T18:14:14.137" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Second stab at answering this question.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) A stutterer named Peter Louw has a &lt;a href=&quot;http://copingwithstuttering.blogspot.com/2010/02/faq.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;list of coping techniques&lt;/a&gt; for those interested in conversing with a stutterer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Speak slowly when you are in conversation with a stutterer – if you speak quickly, you put pressure on him to do the same. This could impact negatively on his speech.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Don’t speak too loudly. This puts pressure on him to also raise his voice, which will put pressure on his speech system.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Don’t look away when he speaks – this may create the perception that you disapprove of his speech. Look at his eyes, not his mouth. Concentrate on WHAT he is saying, not HOW he is saying it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Be patient. If you can show you are not worried about the stutter he will feel more at ease and his speech will tend to improve.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Try to avoid direct questions, especially specific questions requiring exact answers such as his name (ie answers which cannot be phrased in another way).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Some people long to be helped with a difficult word or sentence, but many – perhaps the majority of people who stutter – prefer to complete the sentence themselves. This issue depends on the individual and the situation. In certain circumstances it may be an act of human kindness to help the stutterer out, for instance where it becomes obvious that a child is completely unable to say a word, where the whole class is laughing and where the child himself is acutely embarrassed because of the block.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Give him a turn to speak if he wants to say something in the course of a conversation where many people are present.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;If he stutters, and you know that he should be using a specific speech technique on which he is working, remind him to use it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Editorial comment -- the last bullet point only seems relevant if you are close to the person who stutters.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) For your specific questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't have a close relation to him, so I think it would be impolite to directly address his condition and ask for his preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's always good to ask preferences.  I have a hearing impairment and it is rare but wonderful when others are interested in my preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, I hope you'll share this page with him -- maybe he'll weigh in!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He is very competent and professional at his job, but talking with him is a bit tedious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggestion: try email and typed, live chats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-20T18:28:42.897" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T18:28:42.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9313" CreationDate="2018-01-20T19:06:13.607" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You can tell her later you don't want any more gifts&quot;, that is what I'm asking about here - how do I do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With your actions -- by not giving her any more gifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will take time for her to get the idea.  Be patient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to minimize drama is by not engaging in drama.  If she gives you a gift in future, directly or indirectly, don't refuse it outright -- just don't reciprocate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, avoid providing input to her that is likely to feel a need to respond to.  When a polite response is needed, provide a minimal, polite response.  Don't share your feelings, don't give explanations -- just build emotional distance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When executing this kind of operation with someone as close as a sister, it can be helpful to enlist the help of a friend or another relative, to filter communications from her.  That way, you don't miss something important that you really do need to hear about, such as, &quot;Mama is in the hospital and we need to decide about  organ donations in case she doesn't make it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T19:06:13.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-20T19:47:06.933" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know her well enough to leave my kids alone in her house for an extended time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the crux of it, right there.  Everyone has their own natural pace at developing a trusting relationship, and there's nothing gained in trying to force it to go quicker than you're comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Phase 1.&lt;/strong&gt; If that's how you feel, but you still want your kids and hers to be able to play together, then it's time to brainstorm a list of public places you can meet for a play date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;local youth bureau open play time&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;local science museum&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;school playground, neighborhood playground or park -- vary this up and gradually try a wide variety within a reasonable radius in addition to the ones that are closest to home&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;play group hosted at rotating houses, with RSVPs so you'll be able to confirm the numbers ahead of time&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;YMCA&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;public library story time (plan to arrive early and stay a little extra, to allow for some unstructured interaction)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;craft store structured activity such as pottery painting/decorating&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;home improvement building workshop designed for children (I've seen these set up for Saturdays as a way to get parents into the store)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;puppet show or child-friendly play or musical: arrange your seating so that you're on one end of the row of kids and your neighbor is clear at the other end so you'll have that distance you prefer (note, avoid movie theaters which are more intimate)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;ice skating or roller skating&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be creative.  I have had play dates at the Salvation Army!  Parents shopped for an hour while kids played hide and seek under and behind the clothes racks, and did this and that with the toys set out for sale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your neighbor pushes to carpool, be pleasant but firm, just say that you prefer to drive separately and meet them there.  If your kids push you to allow them to ride in your neighbor's car, tell them you enjoy the special family time you have together in the car.  (In your own mind -- but without saying this to your kids  -- you must have it clear in your mind that this rule is non-negotiable -- if they want to have play dates with Tori and Michelle, your rule is, you drive separately and meet them at the venue.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some activities might make you feel squirmy, such as bowling.  In such cases, discreetly push those onto your wife's available calendar dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this phase, you do not have play dates at each other's houses, period.  Consistency is key -- otherwise people get very confused, especially children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Phase 2.&lt;/strong&gt; Only you and your wife can decide if and when to move to Phase 2.  If you decide it's time for Phase 2, then allow short play dates at each others' houses, with planned start and end times, planned in advance.  No spontaneous I-see-Lizzie-outside-can-I-go-play, which can morph all too easily into playing inside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Phase 2, don't hesitate to use the telephone for arranging play dates and signaling that it's time to wrap things up.  When picking up, you may politely enter the foyer but stay in the foyer.  When your neighbor is picking up, be pleasant but do not invite her in past the foyer.  Ask your wife to follow the same guidelines consistently; otherwise, your neighbor will hang up her jacket and go looking for the kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who knows?  You might eventually be ready for a Phase 3 relationship which involves a closer friendship among the adults, but which doesn't threaten in any way the special couple relationship you have with your wife.  Remember, you needn't move from one phase to another unless you and your wife both want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bottom line:&lt;/strong&gt; it is natural to want to support your children's development of social relationships.  It is possible to do this, without the two sets of parents forcibly entering into a close friendship.  If you are a reserved person, that's okay.  You can still support your children's peer relationships while respecting your natural reservedness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T19:47:06.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1573" CreationDate="2018-01-20T21:31:26.127" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have two suggestions, neither of which require telling Mallory to put a cork in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) The ultimate nonverbal expression of unwillingness to hear someone is to turn your back on them. If you are situated in a way that lets you rotate your whole person, torso and legs, 90 degrees away from Mallory, you should do that. Listen to Alice without actually looking at her. By not looking at Alice, you'll relieve Mallory of the feeling that she's lost a competition, and you'll also keep Mallory out of your peripheral vision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enhancement to #1: If you and your friends are normally physically affectionate and relaxed about body contact, you could even lean back, onto Mallory, which will satisfy her apparent urge to &quot;own&quot; you in some sense, occupy her attention, and possibly shut her up. If you could also close your eyes, it would appear to be a complete victory for Mallory, and you could still listen to Alice. You wouldn't have to remain in that pose too long. You'd have broken Mallory's impulse-driven onslaught and thrown her a bone to assuage her need for attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Turn to face Mallory. Lean toward her, optionally placing a hand on her shoulder, if that's the kind of thing you would normally do with her, and whisper that you don't feel too good (which is true, if you're sufficiently irritated that you're on the verge of yelling), and ask her if she'll get you a glass of water, or whatever's on offer. She will feel important and comply. When she returns with a beverage, having been made aware that you're not at your best, she might refrain from launching into a new monologue. Implement #1 at this time, enhanced version if possible, to improve the odds of her remaining silent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7689" LastActivityDate="2018-01-20T21:31:26.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7130" CreationDate="2018-01-21T07:25:34.000" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've developed software for a small company before. As programmers know too well, there is no language that frees you from the burden of clarifying your ideas. My employer would avoid details because he wanted me to take responsibility for the decision in question. It can mean a few things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He wanted me to shift the responsibility of clarifying his ideas on to me, along with the blame if I did it the wrong way. This can be because he doesn't understand the importance of the detail, because one changed detail can take far more work than those unfamiliar with programming would expect. It can also be laziness on his part, he wants to avoid the mental labor of understanding a choice he's paying for.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He wanted me to just do my job, if he were capable of breaking his problems down into unambiguous instructions he could save himself some serious money and just do it himself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These two are not mutually exclusive and navigating them was, by far, the most difficult part of my job. My advice is this. Situation: you asked once, they gave you the &quot;read the docs&quot; line. This means they do not or do not want to understand the problem. Your turn again:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is easily changed later: make an executive decision based on your intuition and past dealings with them. Cite all the relevant parts of the docs, say &quot;I interpret this to mean&quot; and describe as simply as possible the consequences of your choice, email it. Don't wait for a reply, just proceed. If they complain later, no big deal to change it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Else: Start by explaining that this decision must never change, we have to choose one and stick with it. Outline two or three (clearly numbered and separate) choices with an emphasis on their potential problems/limitations with each approach. Put those parts in bold font.  Recommend one, reiterating the problems/limitations. Reference the documentation wherever applicable. Do not proceed until they respond having unambiguously chosen a path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Referencing the documentation shows you did the leg work. Including them on the choice shares the responsibility. Making a choice/recommendation shows you did your job. Do it by email so there is a record. If it's easily changed, don't throw it in their face when they change their minds. If it's not, don't hesitate to use the emails to protect yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11709" LastActivityDate="2018-01-21T07:25:34.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-21T11:24:33.600" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of the answers are submitting to Anne's fanatical ideals, and that is the wrong approach to take, even if you want to avoid a confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, Anne has turned from a concerned person to a bully, and needs to be treated like any bully, or it will become worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Peter B has the right hunch, but the wrong approach. You do not want a confrontation, so you need to do the first step first: Draw a line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E-Mail Anne. Do not talk to her in person. The reason you want to e-mail is that it leaves you with a paper trail in case this escalates. You don't want it to escalate, but you should be ready in case it does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Write your e-mail following the principles of non-violent communication (observation - feelings - needs - request). Something to the effect of: &quot;Anne, I noticed you unplugged my monitor. This made me waste time in the morning and bothered me. I want my workplace to be my domain, not to be messed with. Please do not manipulate my equipment again.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bullies need clear lines, without ambiguity. That also means that if she does it again, you &lt;strong&gt;have&lt;/strong&gt; to escalate, by digging up that e-mail, forwarding it to her with your boss in CC and telling her that you asked her clearly to leave your equipment alone, her actions are wasting time and nerves and you are CC'ing the boss to make sure that she understands you will not let her mess up your workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she follows up your e-mail with a personal conversation, repeat your points, explain them if she has questions, &lt;strong&gt;but do not let her change the content of the conversation&lt;/strong&gt;. If she brings up anything outside your points, no matter what, immediately return the conversation to your four points. E. g. if she starts talking about the environment and wasted electricity, answer something like &quot;Irrespective of that, I want my workplace not to be messed with.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that you are losing control of the conversation, break it off. You are there to work, not to have discussions with fanatics. &quot;I have work to do. Please leave my workplace alone in the future, no matter what.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;strong&gt;might&lt;/strong&gt; turn into a confrontation, but you are doing everything to not escalate. The fine line in dealing with bullies is to stand your ground and avoid their invitations for escalation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-21T14:05:54.930" LastActivityDate="2018-01-21T14:05:54.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9393" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-21T17:56:34.113" Score="33" ViewCount="13362" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: Bruce is pushing for me to enter a relationship with Mary, and I like Mary, but don't want any relationship right now, and I want him to back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The People&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I am not interested in a relationship currently, for reasons not pertaining to the question, not in a relationship&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bruce: An excellent long-term friend, very relationship oriented, in a relationship with Alice&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice: A good friend, in a relationship with Bruce, excellent friends with Mary&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mary: A good friend, very alike me, excellent friends with Alice and Bruce, not in a relationship&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, Bruce and I were sitting together, having a conversation about everyday affairs, when he mentioned that he and Alice had been talking and had agreed on something. This wasn't special - they are in a relationship - but he went on to say that they had agreed that Mary and I were perfect for each other, and that we should begin dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is strange, as it had never come up before, and Bruce knows I'm not looking for a relationship. He outlined his reasoning, which mostly consisted of the fact Mary and I are similar, and waited for my reaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I calmly explained that I was not currently looking for a relationship, but he did not want to accept this. He is the type of person who believes that being in a relationship is always beneficial. He really believes Mary and I would be perfect for each other, and he left saying &quot;this isn't over.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't the first time things that &quot;aren't over&quot; are very over. But he came back to me day after day, refusing to let it drop. I would be reading a book, and he made a comment that Mary would love it. He asked me how I was doing in school (he knows full well I'm at the top of my class), and when I mention how well I'm doing, he responds 'oh that's great, did you know Mary is at the top of her class?' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other friends make fun of me for not wanting a relationship, and interpreting every time I talk to a woman as flirting just to give me a hard time. This doesn't bother me, as they drop it - it was only an excuse to tease me about a facet of my life that is radically different from theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But Bruce insisting I would be a good match for Mary is unsettling, as he doesn't understand when to stop. He also recently asked me multiple questions on how I would react if Mary attempted to 'ask me out'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't run into Mary every day, so I'm afraid he will attempt to 'set us up' without my knowledge. He is in constant contact with her and Alice, but I am in limited contact. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will be at the same event as Mary in a couple of weeks, so I suspect Alice is pushing Mary just as hard to get Mary to ask me to enter a relationship and might have met with more success than Bruce. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I get Bruce to stop pushing me to enter a relationship with Mary, while not destroying my friendship with Bruce? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I'm not worried about my friendship with Mary, unless Mary does something rash, which would be addressed in a different question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8603" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T09:18:10.950" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T07:49:16.327" Title="Dealing with a friend trying to get me a girlfriend" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-21T18:25:15.900" Score="33" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I get Bruce to stop pushing me to enter a relationship with Mary, while not destroying my friendship with Bruce?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I‘d suggest to tell him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bruce, when you tell me to do X, I feel as if you expected me to start dating Mary.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  In case that this is what you want, please stop it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I don‘t want that, and I don‘t want you to do that. So please stop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk in private, talk calmly, look him in the eyes, and do not smile.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;No accusation, no pleading in your tone. Support your words with rhythmically nodding where you want him to agree, and keep looking in his eyes when you stop (do not smile). This is a nonverbal signal for him to respond.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;see edit below&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might ask you about your reasons. Do not go into that, but tell him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I simply do not want to, and I won‘t change my mind. So stop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People often ask for reasons and then proceed to question those reasons or suggest different ways to achieve these reasons, always with the outcome to change your decision. If you do not want to change your decision, do not go into this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to get a response to your request. If it doesn‘t come by him, ask him...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I count on you to stop X?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want a yes here, either verbally or nonverbally, or both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He doesn‘t have to share, understand or accept your choice, but &lt;strong&gt;respect&lt;/strong&gt; it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get that approval and he wants to know your reasons and motives, and you feel like discussing those with him, you might.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... while not destroying my friendship with Bruce&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you tell a friend that you do not like his behavior X and ask him to stop doing X in a calm way, as suggested above, and by doing so the friendship is &quot;destroyed&quot;, I‘d argue that there was no friendship to begin with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifying my advice on nonverbal behavior when talking to Bruce:&#xA;Mismatching verbal and nonverbal messages might weaken the overall impact of your communication. You as a speaker may seem &quot;not really meaning what you say&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;not smiling while setting boundaries&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Involuntarily smiling in conflict is often automated behavior to placate the other person. Smiling in an interpersonal situation with the intention to set boundaries is one of the single most counterproductive non-verbals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;eye contact, rhythmic movement&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;is another signal to convey the importance of a message, specially when combined with rhythm in speech and head movement. Of course, don't exaggerate, but don't be too subtle as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal here is to &lt;strong&gt;assert&lt;/strong&gt; your position. This is very different from acting aggressively, because you don't go against the other person, but rather express your request that your boundaries be respected. Acting aggressively would most probably reduce the respect for your boundaries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I come from a background of social skills training, but do not know any material specific to the US (though there should be lots of solid material, as US research in social psychology is famous in the field). A quick google search brought up &lt;em&gt;Nonverbal Communication in Human Interaction&lt;/em&gt; by &lt;em&gt;Mark L. Knapp et al.&lt;/em&gt; which contains most probably basic and contemporary theories and research on nonverbal communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know specific literature, please feel free to comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T01:16:37.790" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T01:16:37.790" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-21T18:33:51.667" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could side-step Bruce be talking to Mary directly. Explain the situation to her, and say that you would be delighted to remain friends with her, but you do not want a romantic relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether Mary is interested in you, or whether she is being pressured by Alice, you both have a problem that only the two of you can resolve. By telling her directly that you have no romantic interest in her, you will either let her off the hook, or she will be able to tell Alice that you have talked and agreed to remain just friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7820" LastEditorUserId="7820" LastEditDate="2018-01-21T18:47:53.913" LastActivityDate="2018-01-21T18:47:53.913" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9398" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-21T22:22:16.973" Score="10" ViewCount="2031" Body="&lt;p&gt;About five years ago my wife Laura and I got divorced - we kept it quite civil and even now our relationship is quite friendly. We also have a son, Steve, currently 10 years old that spends 3 days a week with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My ex quite quickly remarried a guy who always wanted kids, so both my son and him quite quickly bonded. Recently my relationship with my partner Anna started to look more serious and we've decided to move together. The problem is that my partner never wanted kids (although she professionally works with them), mainly on the account of her having mild &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_disorder&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;OCD&lt;/a&gt;, that makes her feel very uncomfortably in untidy places (and usually kids ARE messy, my son is not an exception). Still, Anna quite likes my son, although she treats him more like a friend or one of the kids she works with rather than a stepson. But hey, this situation is quite new and stressful to both of them, so I'm just hoping that this will evolve slowly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, my ex decided that all five of us should be a &quot;one happy family&quot; - she keeps inviting us to &quot;go camping together&quot; (something she never asked me alone), keeps asking Anna &quot;could she spend extra time on her own with Steve&quot;, or even forces my boy to keep asking my partner for such &quot;private quality time&quot; via Facebook messenger (I know Steve well enough to say that he would never say something like &quot;&lt;code&gt;Can I spend some extra time just with you on Friday when dad is at work?&lt;/code&gt;&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've told Laura that my partner is not looking forward to be a stepmom and personally I never expect her to be - I just hope that Anna and Steve will have a good relationship based on respect, whatever else would come I'd welcome as a bonus, but my ex keeps insisting, saying that &quot;If Anna wants to be with you, she must act as a stepmother&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely tell Laura that Anna is feeling uncomfortable from such pressure and we (my partner and I) are not interested in creating the &quot;big, happy family&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11727" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T09:28:16.777" LastActivityDate="2018-01-28T11:35:34.487" Title="How to stop my ex wife from pressuring relationship between our son and my new partner" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-21T22:31:42.287" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be straight with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not ready then you're not ready. If he's really a good friend he'll back off and respect your boundaries. If he's not able able to do that, it's  his problem. You have to live to your life. Sometimes, that means letting go; even where friends are concerned. Painful? Yes. But that's life. You have to do whats right for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11728" LastActivityDate="2018-01-21T22:31:42.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-21T22:51:25.870" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sometimes like Bruce to my best friend and I'll tell you my motivation and what my friend uses to tell me no. The motivation is that they think that you are scared to be in a relationship and that being in a relationship would greatly benefit you, that you're having wrong impressions on what being in a relationship means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to tell him (us) to leave you alone&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's really important that you're sure in your decision, try to avoid giving him room for him to convince you. Saying just 'no' probably won't suffice so I suggest dealing with the problem at it's source.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him why you don't want to be in a relationship with Mary (or in general), try to explain how being in a relationship won't be beneficial to you, as a bonus mentioning something that your friend and his girlfriend do that you feel uncomfortable doing (just to point to him out that you and him are different).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might or might not work depending on your arguments (or your friends stubbornness) so to seal the deal tell him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand that you want to set me up with Mary but if you try I'll have to tell Mary directly that I don't want to be with her and you'll be just creating a awkward situation for Me and Mary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that he understands that trying to set you up with Mary might have consequences&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of this works and you do get in the situation that you have to be alone with Mary for some time I personally find the best&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think Bruce and Alice are trying to set us up, I told Bruce that I don't want to be in a relationship but I guess he didn't trust me, however I don't mind if we hang as friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3689" LastEditorUserId="3689" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T10:32:09.357" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T10:32:09.357" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9398" CreationDate="2018-01-21T23:01:42.803" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just so we're clear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your ex ceded any right to control &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; life and choices when the two of you divorced.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your ex &lt;em&gt;never had&lt;/em&gt; the right to control your new partner's life or choices.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your ex &lt;em&gt;still has&lt;/em&gt; a vested interest and responsibility in your son's life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind, I'd suggest starting a conversation (either via text/other digital medium, or the next time you meet in person - whichever is easier) along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've noticed you've been putting some pressure on Anna to spend more time with Steve. I appreciate that you're trying to make sure Steve is happy and cared for, but Anna's relationship with Steve is different to (ex's new partner)'s relationship with him. Steve gets on just fine with Anna right now, so would you mind dialing it back some?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See where it goes from there. It may be that Laura putting pressure on Anna really is just Laura trying to make sure Steve is happy and cared for - that's &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt;, it's just being expressed in the wrong way. If that's the case, then this conversation is your chance to reassure Laura that Steve is fine - once she realises that, she should back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that isn't the case, you should be more firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't do this. It makes both Anna and me uncomfortable, and making Steve the messenger between you and Anna is a bad precedent to set.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="88" LastActivityDate="2018-01-21T23:01:42.803" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-21T23:04:58.030" Score="8" Body="&lt;h3&gt;They are going to hurt Mary if they continue.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dating (or marrying) somebody like yourself is not necessarily a great thing. It can reinforce your own negative traits, if they share them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dating (or marrying) somebody with complementary traits can produce a greater whole; somebody with strengths where you are weak, or when you have strengths where they are weak. This doesn't mean because I am neat and she is not that I do all the neatening, it makes her aim to be neater also. Vice versa on spending, I can easily spend a thousand on an impulse, she would never. Her trait reduces mine, because I care about her feelings and don't want her to freak out, so I discuss such things first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It makes it easier to divide household duties fairly; we can each take the least offensive duties, and there is less to split of things we both dislike. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can create something more interesting to talk about: My wife and I had very different jobs, and honestly after work I did not want to talk about my work with somebody doing the same job as me; that's just more work! But talking about the social or political aspects of work, which she understood, was often more beneficial. Vice versa held as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been married 30 years, and what we have in common is we both like the same entertainments, at least an 80% overlap. We like the same kind of comedy, the same TV shows, we both like live plays and amateur theatre, similar music, mostly the same restaurants. My wife and daughter like some I don't, I like barbecue and they don't: But that's what friends are for, we don't have to be all things to each other. Neither of us drink or smoke (anything). We both love beaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;My point:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is, you can tell your friend you are NOT looking to date or marry somebody just like you, and you aren't romantically attracted to Mary, and will not change your mind, and now you are worried they [Bruce and Alice] are actually misleading Mary into thinking otherwise, and you are not looking forward to the day you have to reject Mary to her face. Which is what is going to happen if they are putting the same pressure on Mary to date you. If they are, they are engineering an embarrassment, and probably the destruction of your platonic friendship with Mary, and you hope they will stop because it is unfair of them to rob you of that, and cause Mary that embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2018-01-21T23:04:58.030" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3362" CreationDate="2018-01-22T05:00:21.093" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Offer options/solutions, even if partial or incomplete, for your overworked expert to chose from, even if this is &quot;not your job&quot; or you are not technically qualified to comment.  Base these on input you've previously received from said expert or other qualified source with due consideration to modification for current circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows you have put effort into solving the problem which reinforces its importance. It can be exhausting to be on the receiving end of endless requests that require no apparent energy expenditure on the part of the asker (besides typing the email and its two dozen follow ups).  Be the outlier who tries a bit harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other reason this can work is that it offers the opportunity for the expert to correct or &quot;fix&quot; your work, which can be irresistible to them.  It makes the exchange collaborative and less draining.  Even if you are laughably terrible at first, provided you are paying attention, you will get better.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a funny, kind and genuine way to remind your expert that you're all in this together.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things that might not work: contacting via multiple modes, harping on its importance/timeliness unless the word &quot;chief&quot; is in your title, cc'ing superiors who are even more over-extended.  All worth a try but if it didn't help the first ten attempts, it's not likely to make a difference going forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11589" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T05:00:21.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9404" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9658" CreationDate="2018-01-22T09:22:18.680" Score="4" ViewCount="1892" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am seeking suggestions for how to keep a conversation on topic with a 50 year old family member who says whatever comes into his head, often changing the conversation in a confusing way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happens face to face, over the phone, through email and text messaging, tries my patience and makes it difficult to concentrate on the original topic that the conversation started with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried addressing the issue directly but he gets offended.&#xA;Here is an example to illustrate the problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Today he asked me to help him navigate using Google Maps but I couldn't even type in the address as he wouldn't stop talking and asking me random questions. This happened right after he told me to put my cellphone away as it's rude to be on it when you are with other people. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything I can say, preemptively, or when this starts happening? I'm thinking of asking &quot;if there's something important, could you please say it first?&quot;  The situation has gotten so bad at times it has led to (verbal) fights!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7017" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T08:30:18.477" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T08:54:12.027" Title="How can I keep a conversation on topic with a person who rambles?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9398" CreationDate="2018-01-22T09:26:35.490" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is a difficult situation, it almost exactly mirrors my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thing to remember is that you cannot control anyone's actions or behaviour but your own. You can't &lt;em&gt;stop&lt;/em&gt; your ex-wife doing anything, although there are things you can do that will make the situation better. Likewise you cannot &lt;em&gt;change&lt;/em&gt; your new partner. You are hoping she will adapt to having a stepchild over time, and that may not be the case, so do be honest with yourself about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you really think your ex wants you to be 'one big happy family'? Not to stir things up, but it may be about control. She got quickly remarried perhaps because she is trying to prove she has everything under control and can provide everything for your child? But now you're moving in the same direction and can provide your child the same environment she can. By trying to get involved with your new family is she just trying to bring it all back under her control?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You DO need to keep the peace with her for the sake of your child. But nobody will expect you and your partner to start double-dating with them. If this were my ex I'd imagine her endgame was for me to say no, and then tell everybody that I rejected an offer to be civil and peaceable. But you can be civil and peaceable while maintaining a respectful distance, if that is what you and your new partner want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to accept &lt;em&gt;general&lt;/em&gt; offers to be 'happy together', such as &quot;&lt;em&gt;Lets all try and get along&lt;/em&gt;&quot; - just nod, smile and agree. That way she can never suggest you are anything but peaceable. But any specific offers that you are not comfortable with, such as &lt;em&gt;&quot;Let's all go camping together&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, just politely reject the way you would with anybody. Perhaps reply &quot;&lt;em&gt;I think we are making our own vacation plans this year&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and just leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the pressure for your new partner and your child to bond - personally I hate the terms 'stepmother' and 'stepfather'. It implies that someone else is stepping into a vacant role, but in divorce cases where both mum and dad are involved parents there are no vacant roles. Kids don't need two sets of parents and I believe they do better when their parent's new partner is a 'friend' to them, so long as children also respect their authority as an adult, especially when in their homes. Perhaps you could express something similar to your ex? You could say that your partner IS developing a relationship with your child, but one that respects his real mother's role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing, as I'm sure you know, is for YOU to provide a comfortable environment for your child. If your ex creates difficult or uncomfortable situations just try and ride them out in a peaceable way. One day your child will be an adult and will be able to look back and comprehend all that happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T09:26:35.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9404" CreationDate="2018-01-22T09:45:38.593" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to answer, even though I am a little bit guilty of this sort of behaviour myself. (I don't think I'm as bad as your family member though)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Face to face you can bring a conversation back on track by asking questions about the original topic, for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My son had a bad day at school today. Hey you know, that reminds me&#xA;  of something that happened when I was at school...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You were telling me about your son's school - what happened there?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in text messages, you can't really stop someone without sounding rude. Could you try and look on the positive side - when people use abbreviated text speak you can't always tell their mood. If I received &lt;code&gt;please text before you call&lt;/code&gt; I'd think I'd offended them! At least you know where you are with this guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T09:45:38.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-22T10:31:25.777" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this exact issue once in a while too except with a married female co-worker. I have never had a problem finding a sexual encounter or a relationship however I have simply never been interested in relationships. I have learned four programming languages, LaTeX, circuit design, and robotics on top of completing a BSc and MSc in chemistry and I'd say it's simply because I have devoted 100% of my time to myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently a female co-worker has been borderline harassing me about my life choices, claiming they are not 'right'. She even videotaped me most recently and sent it to people over social media.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What happened next:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She asked me if I ever worried my time would 'run out'. I very clearly explained to her that I am not worried about that (men don't really have that strong a biological clock) and politely but sternly told her that her views on what's 'normal' are not representative of everyone's views on what's 'normal'. She has never bothered me since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The message doesn't apply to you. However the approach does. You need to very sternly tell Bruce that you have made a choice that you're not interested in Mary and that's not going to change. Yes, he is your friend. And no, he won't break a friendship over this. Oftentimes people nag because they feel like there's some 'negotiating room' with you (think telemarketers, peddlers). Your job is to cut off any negotiating room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7819" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T10:31:25.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9404" CreationDate="2018-01-22T11:26:34.460" Score="-2" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Suggest that he carries a notebook all the time with him to take notes in. A notebook can help him with concentration. For instance, when he asks you a question, he can write the question down, or just a keyword with a question mark, and that can help him anchor him to the original question while he awaits for your answer.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;See if there is decline in cognitive abilities later in the day vs. the morning. If there is, try to deal with him during the times he's more able to concentrate on. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you think he should seek medical professional help. Help him with that. Go to his next doctor's appointment with him, or have another relative he trusts go with him. If it's early dementia for instance (and I'm not saying that it is, I'm just using dementia as an example), it's better to know as early as possible. We have drugs that can slow down dementia, but we don't have drugs that can reverse dementia. You should also take notes of whatever medical drugs, alcohol, or stimulants (like coffee), he might be taking, and what time he's taking them, to see if they affect his behavior in any way. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The texting thing. That one is easy. Text before you call. But if you're in the US, you may even want to introduce him to Google Voice. It transcribes voice mails directly into texts, plus it has a bunch of other features that he might like. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T11:26:34.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9410" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-22T11:44:00.507" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My answer is takes inspiration from and expands upon @kingW3's third block (which I think is most important):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that you want to set me up with Mary but if you try I'll have to tell Mary directly that I don't want to be with her and you'll be just creating a awkward situation for Me and Mary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and I'd add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time you bring this up, you're souring the friendship I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have with Mary. Whenever we interact or I think of her, I'm negatively reminded of everything you keep saying, and I'm now on tenterhooks about the idea that you're going to try and force something which, if you do, will not only risk me losing a friendship with her, but I'll end up resentful of you for trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've made your point. I'm not interested. If that changes, you'll be the first to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, I think, hits to the crux of the matter. Unless you change your mind, there is no outcome here where you and Mary end up together. All that happens is that you and Mary of this 4 person group are left awkwardly interacting with each other, and potentially resentful of Bruce (and possibly Alice if she's involved) for putting them in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bruce needs to understand that it's not just your and Mary's friendship at stake here, but yours and his. You are beginning to be conditioned to the idea of spending time with your friend with the negative feelings of being pushed into a relationship you don't want. Eventually you may just not want to spend time with Bruce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By adding &amp;quot;if anything changes, you'll be the first to know&amp;quot;, you allow Bruce to still have an important role in the &amp;quot;OP and Mary&amp;quot; relationship he wants to foster (since it seems like it'll be impossible to completely stop him from bringing it up until you or Mary are unavailable), but put yourself hopefully back in the driving seat. It also allows you to shut down conversations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This again Bruce? I thought I told you that if I became interested in her, I'd tell you? I haven't told you anything, so obviously nothings changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11561" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T07:49:16.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-22T12:03:10.403" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR Handle it the same way as to handle bullying.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It looks like Bruce is not doing it by purpose but technically he &#xA;started subconsciously bullying you about your imaginated relationship with Mary (I'm making such reasoning because you politely asked him to stop but he didn't).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to handle such a situation is to make some distance away from it in your mind. Just start joking and laughing about it, turn it into absurd etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, tell Bruce that both of you are already engaged but are still arguing which religious education teacher -from yous or her class will handle your wedding or that you and Mary have plans to set up a family and raise heard of 3897 cats. But most importantly, you should know better your friend's sense of humor so he must be certain that you are definitively making fun of it and that &quot;you and Mary&quot; is not something that you take seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is still an issue. As somebody pointed out in comments already, Mary may have had crush on you, and you would probably intend not to hurt her feelings. Unfortunately there is no rescue here and she will be hurt anyway. Probably she will experience real bullying from her classmates when they learn it out. It is not your blame but rather your environment you live in. Please keep it in mind!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4610" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T12:03:10.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-22T12:03:34.840" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I get Bruce to stop pushing me to enter a relationship with&#xA;  Mary, while not destroying my friendship with Bruce?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, situations are where we get to know people better. I would bet on mutual understanding. You fear for your friendship with Bruce. That seems to me that a relationship is a very serious topic, indeed. Being it important you will need to understand your friend and for that, you'll need to ask Bruce why he wants you to be in a relationship. Then explain your views on having a relationship and that you are not into getting to it in this time of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask him how did he feel before he was with Alice and how did being with her changed him. This can lead to understanding what is it that he thinks he is offering with his proposition. Maybe you can pinpoint that you don't feel the same as he was before he had a relationship and that he shouldn't fear that you're unhappy with your current situation while also expressing how happy you are that his life changed this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another variable is that Mary is the one pushing this (mentioned in comments).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would go the same way separately with each other and then ask the three why did they join in this conspiracy and explain that you are happy with your current status. And that if Mary is just shy she should overcome that and try to get you on her own means. (Even if I wanted a relationship I wouldn't go along because she appears to be on a pursuit of making life go her way and life presented her a different picture of romance where a girl has to act, in that case). And another important thing is telling Mary that she could've affected your friendship with Bruce with all this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If for some time you're not understood and not respected then you don't have a real friend. You will better off without people that want to take charge of your life. Or, you have a friend but is being foolish with a romantic idea. Don't tell him that he is being foolish (at least at first hand), instead, try to help him realize by clarifying your happy status.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to draw a clear a line between taking charge of someone's life and caring for another. If they care they should accept your explanations on why you are fine the way you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11740" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T12:03:34.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9398" CreationDate="2018-01-22T12:45:22.550" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I politely tell Laura that Anna is feeling uncomfortable from&#xA;  such pressure and we (me and my partner) are not interested in&#xA;  creating the &quot;big, happy family&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make it about Anna's feelings. Laura doesn't need to know them. Make it about your own feelings. If Laura needs to blame someone, she should blame you. It's your role to insulate Anna from Laura. Anna didn't sign up to start dating Laura when she started dating you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a father, it's also your role to make sure your ex doesn't use your kid as a weapon against your current girlfriend. What your ex did on Facebook was absolutely unacceptable. A kid shouldn't be put in an untenable position like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say things are amicable, but from where I'm standing, you're the only one who seems to be amicable and overly accommodating. Anyone else would have shut down your ex in her manipulation attempts right away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T08:40:46.107" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T08:40:46.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9354" CreationDate="2018-01-22T13:30:03.037" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a long shot, but...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could the lady upstairs be Mary Jane, as in &quot;Ray's pot farm&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The smell of some strains of weed could be interpreted as &quot;wet dog&quot;, sour, musky and/or earthy. You don't seem to have proof that an actual lady lives up there, and it seems odd that Ray never let you in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The leaking could be consistent with this theory, if there's a leakage in the watering system. I'm not sure about the dog-like scratching noises. It's a sad thought that there could live a dog there who's never let outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you think you can distinguish the smell of wet dog from cannabis?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you have any reason to believe a lady lives upstairs? Just Ray taking things upstairs?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does Ray always leave empty-handed or does he also take (packaged) things from the apartment? (Bags of weed?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are there any signs of high-wattage light use? E.g. high electricity usage on the meter, or snow melting faster on your roof in particular (this is how the illegal pot farms are located sometimes).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, it doesn't really matter what the cause of the smell is; it's got to go. I think contacting the management company (or requesting a health check) is the way to go, after giving off a warning. Other answerers have this in more detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could consider talking to Ray to gauge his reaction to &quot;the smell is still there/I'm potentially involving management&quot;, or just put a letter in the upstairs apartment's mailbox with a request to discuss the smell. The letter seems like the least confrontational approach you have available, and if it's not answered you can't reasonably be blamed for contacting management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would explicitly warn the neighbor that you will involve management if the problem is not solved (or the letter is not responded to) after a set number of days, because earlier attempts at contact have failed and the problem persists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3499" LastEditorUserId="3499" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T22:46:03.317" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T22:46:03.317" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9404" CreationDate="2018-01-22T13:50:00.950" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As soon as he starts talking to ask you for help, &lt;strong&gt;tell him you have a limited amount of time&lt;/strong&gt;. This is not necessarily a lie: you're stating the time you're willing to use to help him (five minutes can be more than enough to help somebody reach an address). This could lead him to concentrate and avoid unnecessary tangents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't work, try stop him as soon as he opens a new topic and tell him to postpone the digression:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wait, tell me about the address first, otherwise I won't remember it/I don't have much time and I want to help you. You'll tell me about {digression} later, ok? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat it with every digression:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's talk about {digression 1, 2, 3 and 4} after you finish telling me about the address. Sorry, but I can't follow you otherwise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you can make him notice the amount of new topics he opens while reassuring him you're not ignoring them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, &lt;strong&gt;take the blame on you&lt;/strong&gt; by saying that you can't follow his discourses and asking him to help you get the most important pieces of information first. In this way, he won't feel attacked and he'll be aware that you raise the digression question in order to have a better communication with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T08:51:31.883" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T08:51:31.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9422" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9425" CreationDate="2018-01-22T15:49:29.813" Score="8" ViewCount="5250" Body="&lt;p&gt;My question is similar to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2750/how-to-handle-very-opinionated-and-aggressive-friend&quot;&gt;this one&lt;/a&gt; but the details are a little different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend D who takes things too seriously. Examples include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In our group (me, them and another friend O) we would often lightly tease each other. We never try to be mean. Myself and O take it in stride but whenever we tease D he would get defensive and try to explain why we are wrong.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Very often when he debates an issue he wouldn't do it calmly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Recently we were playing a game where you explain a word to the other person. D was almost shouting and cursing when his teammate wasn't getting his explanation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such situations D becomes very intense, uses loud voice and often interrupts other people. It gets worse when he is drunk and he likes to drink. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't bother myself &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; much. However he got into shouting matches at the last two parties he attended and O got really upset when we met yesterday. Thus I think it is a problem which needs to be addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How best to tell D that his behaviour makes us uncomfortable and that we think he should talk more calmly?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 1&lt;/strong&gt;: We haven't tried anything so far. Sometimes he later apologises for his behaviour. Sometimes we joke about it. Sometimes I awkwardly tell him &quot;you could have handled it better&quot;. I want to know how to talk to him in a way that really brings the point across. After all he is already aware that there is a problem but that doesn't stop him from becoming loud and intense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He wasn't always this way, it started about a year ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of us are around 20 years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7824" LastEditorUserId="7824" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T16:48:42.000" LastActivityDate="2020-04-08T23:55:15.733" Title="Dealing with a friend who takes everything seriously" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9422" CreationDate="2018-01-22T16:35:02.633" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's possible that D has deeper issues that require professional help. But there's a possibility that D just isn't aware of the way his interaction style affects others, and alcohol would only worsen that lack of awareness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To raise his awareness, try taking a short video clip when he's drunk and loud, and show it to him when he's sober and calm. The clip shouldn't be posted online anywhere, and should be deleted upon request. It's meant to help him, not to shame him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also take a video (with O's consent) of you and O disagreeing civilly about something, and point out to D how you considered each other's perspectives and concluded your disagreement without things getting out of hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given D's pattern of behaviour, you might be faced with loud protests when you do this, so try pre-empting it by starting with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;D, we feel that we might not be looking at yesterday the same way you do. Would you mind having a look at these recordings with us? You'll need to agree to not say anything until the whole video is over. But after that, you can tell us what you thought and why you reacted the way you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach lets everyone re-examine the tense interaction more objectively at a later time when everyone is calm, and also allows D to point out things that you might have not been aware of but which served as triggers for his outburst.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; Note and disclaimer in response to a comment (Thanks &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9422/dealing-with-a-friend-who-takes-everything-seriously#comment36716_9424&quot;&gt;@ale10ander&lt;/a&gt;!) pointing out a legal aspect of this answer: &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am not a lawyer&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. There is some controversy regarding the legality of mechanical recording. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; In Australia, there appears to be some provision for private recording:&#xA; &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; These cases underscore the requirement that a covert recording be made for the protection of a party’s lawful interest and not for their own personal advantage or convenience in order to be considered lawful. Whilst there has been substantial consideration by the Court of the ‘lawful interest’ exception to the prohibition, given that each case will turn on its own facts, the legal position is still not completely clear nor predictable. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.mcleods.com.au/news/local-government-updates/recording-conversations-without-consent&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;- McCLEODS Barristors and Solicitors&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; More generally: &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; In many places, it is common for the recording of public property, persons within the public domain, and of private property visible or audible from the public domain to be legal. However, laws have been passed restricting such activity in order to protect the privacy of others. To make matters even more complicated, the laws governing still photography may be vastly different from the laws governing any type of motion picture photography. &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legality_of_recording_by_civilians&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;- wikipedia&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; I have no idea how this interacts legally with the recording culture spawned by the prevalence of mobile phone cameras. The intent is not a public airing or commercial profit; it is to document the interpersonal interaction for the private study and benefit of those recorded. &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastEditorUserId="10573" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T00:10:28.193" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T00:10:28.193" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9422" CreationDate="2018-01-22T16:54:45.183" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;The last line of your question really stuck out to me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He wasn't always this way, this started about a year ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So we can safely assume that something has happened which makes your friend sensitive to teasing and otherwise appearing less than. . . whatever his ideal is.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address the issue you need more information.  Preferably from the source. &#xA;Since you are good friends, I would invite D out to do something (without alcohol, because you will both need your wits about you).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then ask him something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey D,  I've noticed that you've changed a bit in the past year.  Is&#xA;  there something going on that I've missed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He'll probably ask what sort of changes you've noticed.  Just keep it simple.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, you get angry much more quickly, and you get real defensive when&#xA;  teased.  You didn't used to do these things.  So I was wondering if&#xA;  something happened that I should have noticed and could help you with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to the presentation here is that you are NOT accusing him of anything, while you ARE asking him how you can help.   You want him to know that you are his friend and you are on his side.  If he gets angry just reply &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Hey man I'm just trying to help.  You're not acting like yourself. &quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, consider asking him while doing something mildly active, like while he is driving.  I've noticed in myself and my male friends that we seem better able to talk about feelings when our hands are active.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully he opens up to you and can get a better insight into why he has changed his personality in this past year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on if D is an open person, you may have to ask the question more than once.  If you have to ask him what's wrong more than 3 times, you may need to be more stern, for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey man this is not like you, I know something is up.  What's wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he continues to refuse your help &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; the behavior continues, you may need to consider either just putting up with the behavior or telling him that you are cutting off the relationship until his behavior improves.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you understand the reason behind his behavior change, you should be much better situated to come up with a solution that will help your friend improve his behavior. It's possible that the mere act of your making a big deal about his behavior will be incentive enough for him to behave better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;As a side thought&lt;/em&gt;,  I'm wondering when he started drinking, was it at the same time as the behavioral changes?  If so it may just be that he reacts poorly to alcohol.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T19:53:40.810" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T19:53:40.810" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9426" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-22T16:55:44.757" Score="10" ViewCount="7245" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not a native speaker so I apologize in advance for my bad English. I know the question may seem opinion based but I'm not asking for advice of what to do to fix my relationship, I'm just asking how can I phrase my concerns correctly to avoid being seen as &quot;pointing a finger&quot; at my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a boy (let's call him Bill), whom I've been friend with for several years (5 at least), we've always been interested in each other but nothing serious has ever happened between us, because we are in relationships with different persons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bill is the closest thing I've ever had to a best friend, we can talk about anything and we've achieved a level of confidence that I never thought I was capable of feeling with another human being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem lies in the fact that Bill's feelings for me have grown stronger with time, and I think we're both guilty because we're used to jokingly flirt with each other or pretend we're a couple when we hangout with other friends. He used to send me messages late at night confessing his feelings and telling me that our situation made him super sad on a daily basis, about 3 - 5 times a week I would receive messages like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Trigger&lt;/strong&gt; (It all started getting weird afterwards)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Three days ago, our friend group had a reunion and we ended in Bill's house (Bill, another friend - Sam - and me), we were having a great time until Sam got out of the room we were hanging out in. He was absent for about 15 minutes, in this time we started throwing some pillows at each other and joking, everything was fine until a sad expression started showing up on his face, long story short he ended up crying on my shoulder, again confessing his feelings, I just reassured him that I only see him as a friend and reminded him that he is in a relationship with a girl who loves him and blablabla. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We usually talk everyday via voice chat on a server, two days ago he entered the server and seemed okay but a little serious, he then started making passive aggressive comments about me, I'm a very emotional person so I felt really bad and started crying, he didn't seem to notice this, so he kept going on with the bad comments, I couldn't handle it so I left the server.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sam talked to Bill about what happened and Bill ended up sending a message saying he was sorry and that he wasn't mad at me or anything. Bill is a really unstable person (emotionally) so I just assumed he had had a bad day, but he apologized so I thought everything was fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But yesterday he completely ignored me while on a voice chat with other friends and hasn't talked to me since the incident (we used to talk for hours everyday).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really bothers me because I really appreciate our friendship and it would be horrible if it ends up destroyed by a dumb argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried contacting him via text messages but he doesn't even open the messages. I'm really sensitive about my friends so his indifference is really REALLY hurting me. And what hurts me the most is that I've always been open with him and told him several times that if our friendship was bothering him because of the underlying feelings he has for me I could give him space, or stop talking to him for a while until he gets over me. And he has always refused to stop talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I properly phrase a short message to let him know that the&lt;br&gt;&#xA;situation is affecting me?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or, how could I address the issue via a voice call, avoiding &quot;pointing a &#xA;finger&quot; at him for his behaviour?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My main goal is to avoid ruining the relationship, and clarify the situation to find a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're both 20 years old. &#xA;Friends for more than 5 years.&#xA;It's the FIRST time we have a problem (we get along pretty well).&#xA;I've asked friends in common but it seems like he hasn't talked about this to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11757" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T21:11:02.000" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T16:22:51.127" Title="How to tell a friend that his indifference is hurting my feelings?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9426" CreationDate="2018-01-22T17:14:52.413" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Very delicate question. As you are asking directions about &quot;how to phrase&quot; things (as it belongs here in IPS), let's keep on track and analyze what you said/could say in (near) future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just reassured him that I only see him as a friend&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;while this is undeniably and appreciably honest of you, please notice that it is &lt;strong&gt;not reassuring&lt;/strong&gt;. You told him the exacty opposite of what he wanted to hear. You did have right to say that, but you cannot expect it to end up as a reassurance in his ears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, let's analyze his following behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, he&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;then started making passive aggressive comments about me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and, later, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;he completely ignored me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very frequent kind of behaviour with which many people handle this kind of rejection.&#xA;First, is the &quot;aggressive&quot; phase, where he is only (blindly) perceiving your (rightful) rejection as &quot;you attacking him with a low-blow&quot;, so, in his mind, you &quot;deserve&quot; being &quot;mistreated&quot;.&#xA;Then he realizes it's not the case, you can't be blamed for rejecting someone you don't want, so all he remains with is the &quot;passive&quot; phase, were he just defends himself by severing (or, well, trying to severe) the connections with you.&#xA;You are the source of his own suffering, therefore he cuts the connection with that source of suffering.&#xA;And, yes, if you ask me, because you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;told him several times that if our friendship was bothering him because of the underlying feelings he has for me I could give him space, or stop talking to him for a while until he gets over me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;he could have been more &quot;honest&quot; and actually ask you for space (either definite or indefinite).&#xA;But well, it was too hard for him, I suppose, and decided he follow the &quot;not-really-honest&quot; path, and we are called here to provide phrasing, so here we go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you do look very clear and straight-to-the-point (I personally do appreciate it) while also being very forthcoming (you do care about him) the best you could do, imho, is &lt;strong&gt;taking the decision he should have taken&lt;/strong&gt; and state it with&#xA;a simple, clear and direct&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, this is bad for our friendship. You may agree or disagree, but I do see that when it comes to me you are suffering. So I'll do what's best for our friendship and - above all - for you and withdraw, I'm giving you some space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imo this is better said by voice or in person. Use a tone to make it clear it's a statement, a decision you took, not a request for opinion.&#xA;With this statement, you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;prove you care for him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;go straight to the point (as I think it's very suitable and fitting for the way you've always handled it 'till now),&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;take a decision he's apparently unable to take,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;go along with his &quot;passive&quot; phase of severing connections from the suffering source and, consequently, likely healing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, stick to it. Give him time.&#xA;If this is something that can be healed by time itself, he will come back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am telling this on personal experience. A girl I liked told me straight and went into oblivion: that quick communication and that space &lt;strong&gt;did&lt;/strong&gt; help me a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T17:25:37.920" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T17:25:37.920" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9426" CreationDate="2018-01-22T17:15:31.517" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The thing is he probably wants to hurt your feelings.  He has been hurt by your rejection of his romantic advances and he is trying to hurt you back.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a common tit for tat strategy that I've seen people do all the time in different forms.  We human beings have a strong tendency towards reciprocity including in the negative.  &lt;strong&gt;You deprived him of you romantic love, so he is depriving you of his friendship.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to resolve this behavior is to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) Point it out.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bill I know you're hurt by what I said, and you're trying to get even.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) Tell him it is inappropriate and that real friends don't behave that way.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Maybe your don't realize that this is what your doing but it's not the&#xA;  way a true friend behaves. Please don't do this anymore.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3) Don't tolerate it.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he ever does this again you should tell him that if he repeats this behavior it will ruin your friendship.  If you make the threat be prepared to follow through.  Should he keep treating you this way you should cut off contact with him until his behavior improves.  This is enforcing your boundaries.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T20:32:33.887" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T20:32:33.887" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-22T17:20:15.780" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing I haven't seen mentioned:&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Discuss the issue, and your concerns, with your wife first!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She would probably appreciate your concerns regarding impropriety.  It may not necessarily help resolve the problem at hand, but it might help your relationship with your wife for her to know how you view these kinds of situations, and your willingness to discuss them with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its also possible that her response may make you more comfortable with a wider range of options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, after talking to your wife, you are still looking for a way to bring this up with Jane, it might be helpful to phrase it as you being &quot;old fashioned&quot;.  While our current society generally doesn't bat an eye at this sort of situation, it wasn't too long ago that the idea of an unmarried woman being in the unchaperoned company of a man was scandalous.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, I find that honesty is the best approach.  Sometimes the reality is that you wind up offending people, but you could just as easily offend her over some made-up excuse.  If she's going to get offended by something that is meaningful and honest to you, then its best to get that out of the way immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My wife and I spoke, and while we both love that our daughters get along so well with your children, and we want their friendship to continue and grow, we feel that they're still too young to be playing without one of the two of us supervising.  This is probably going to sound really silly, but I'm... really old-fashioned about a few things.  I know it's a bit ridiculous, but the idea of my being in your house without my wife present just feels wrong.  I really hope you aren't offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T17:20:15.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-22T17:21:28.633" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to do some investigation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Bruce said &quot;We were talking,&quot; what he means is that he was tasked to get you to agree. He might understand and sympathize with you, but because he won't let this drop, it sounds like he is under pressure, too. From your descriptions of Alice and Mary, you don't think either are to blame, and perhaps they aren't. In any case, Bruce won't let up until the source of the relationship idea is satisfied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fun speculations include Alice noticing Mary's interest in a Bad Boy or perhaps someone who is older, wiser, wealthier, better looking, and the driver of a sports car. Perhaps an aunt has promised a ski trip as long as Bruce and Alice don't go alone. Maybe Mary wants to do couple stuff with Bruce-Alice, and Alice doesn't want you to be squeezed out of their circle. Or maybe Mary has decided You Are The One.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think an active investigation is beyond your desires at the moment. So the next time you meet up with them, watch for signals between Alice and Mary -- who is the instigator? Keep yourself friendly, but a bit distant, especially physically, and see who tries to bring you and Mary closer. If you try to talk about something Bruce is interested in, who intervenes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't definitive, but it might give you a direction to follow up on. I think what you need to find out is what are the consequences of saying no. I think you should emphasize that you really want to know what is at stake before making what to you is a life-altering decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, you are going to have to cut Bruce some slack. I doubt he is enjoying this and he might also be worried about losing you as a friend. If you guys are into tacit conversation, you might make it into a daily routine where he pretends to present his case and you pretend to decline in a quick exchange of gestures. Then change the topic to something more pleasant. If he gets sufficiently beaten down, you might be able to find out what he knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11464" LastEditorUserId="11464" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T17:38:22.413" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T17:38:22.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9426" CreationDate="2018-01-22T17:32:29.967" Score="19" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've always been open with him and told him several times that if our friendship was bothering him because of the underlying feelings he has for me I could give him space, or stop talking to him for a while until he gets over me. And he has always refused to stop talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, you offered him space before, he may be taking it now. From what I understand, the situation got pretty out of hand this time, and he might need it. It's only been three days, which is a pretty short time for a cool-down. &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love#Biological_basis&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;It can take one and a half to three years for the hormones to disappear:&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including the neurotransmitter hormones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, the same compounds released by amphetamine, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'd strongly advise to calm down a little and don't be bothered that much by it. Of course, being ignored in a group chat/call isn't fun, but you basically offered it. Try and get a conversation going which involves everyone, don't try to get his attention specifically. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to write a short message, I'd focus on getting a confirmation of him that this is really what he wants. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I noticed that you're not reacting to me much lately. Is this the time that you need your space, and want to stop talking? I'm not unwilling to do that, but for my own peace of mind, I'd like some confirmation. If there's anything I did wrong, I hope you'll tell me eventually so we can fix it, because I still value our friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe it might be best ask Sam to step in again, but make sure you don't pressure him to be in the middle of you two. Just ask once, nicely, and leave it at that. Mention your appreciation of what he already did, and ask if he would be willing to do even more. Explain to him like you did here, that you offered to take a break from the friendship if it was needed, but now that the moment is there it is making you uncomfortable that it happened so abruptly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it's only been a few days, I'd really advice to give it more time before you confront him in the voice call, with other people present. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not a good idea, to begin with. Taking your problem with him in there might eventually break up the friend group if people start (or feel obliged to) pick a side. It really is better to keep these things private. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it really doesn't improve after a few months, and Bill has not reacted to any message, you might want to send him another message and ask him in the group to please react to it, but don't do anything more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T17:38:06.330" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T17:38:06.330" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-22T17:37:19.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, I just want to say that some of these answers are extreme, saying that your friend isn't a friend at all if he doesn't understand your point of view. This insistence in meddling with your love life doesn't seem to be coming from a desire to irritate you or change who you are, but to improve your life in a way that has improved both Bruce and Alice's life. It's certainly misguided, and your feelings are absolutely valid, but as it stands this problem isn't a reason to break off what sounds like a well-founded friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like a couple working together to set up two friends. I've been set up by well-meaning friends before too (always in a relationship themselves). They almost always seem to split the work, each targeting one person. It's like a weird bonding activity, or a competition to see who can convince their friend to start a relationship first. I agree that Alice is probably playing a supporting role in this matchmaking, either by pestering Mary or urging Bruce to keep trying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's actually a Psychological Science article talking about how couples want to make more couples and vice versa. Here's a link if you're interested: &lt;a href=&quot;http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797612475095&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797612475095&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to talk about this with both Bruce and Alice at the same time. They're probably pushing each other to keep trying to talk you both into a relationship. Talking to both of them at once may force them to take your feelings more seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend you agree with them that you and Mary are alike to start the conversation on a positive, agreeable note. Starting a conversation with something both parties agree on will make them more receptive toward what you have to say. Go on to say that you just aren't interested in a relationship. You shouldn't offer any reasons why you don't want to be in a relationship. They'll just see them as excuses and try to dismiss them, which will only hurt you and make them feel more justified in trying to set you up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist you tell them why, you can say that your reasons are personal, and ask them to respect your decision. You can try explaining that while they may see it as a fun challenge to hook up two mutual friends, you see it as invasive. Try to get a promise that they will drop it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may disagree and try to persuade you, but don't smile, look them in the eye, and don't give in. Try to keep your body language strong: don't slouch or shrug, and meet their eyes even when they try to insist they're right. If you can show you're confident in your decision, it will back up your words. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also urge you to talk to Mary. Ask Mary if Alice has been trying to talk her into to ask you out, or if she is interested in you. If Mary is interested in you, tell her that you're not looking for a relationship right now (again, without citing any reasons other than it's your choice to make). She will probably be more understanding about it than Alice and Bruce, if only because it's an awkward conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's just being pressured by Alice and is also not interested in pursuing a relationship, you'll know it's just a happy couple trying to breed more happy couples. I would try to talk to Mary first. You can either bring up her feelings on the matter during your conversation with Bruce and Alice, or ask her to come with you as backup. Try to talk to everyone before the event too if you can manage it; this will prevent any shenanigans Bruce and Alice may have planned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the most important thing is to keep in mind that this isn't an attack on who you are. Your friends want what's best for you, but think they know what that is better than you do. They're wrong, obviously, but they're not trying to hurt you. Remember this, and it should be easier to talk to them without getting upset or unintentionally saying something hurtful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to Mary first and find out what she thinks about the situation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to both Bruce an Alice, with or without Mary in attendance&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stay firm in your own opinion, it's your life after all, but don't interpret this as an attack on your lifestyle&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11759" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T17:37:19.750" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9433" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9442" CreationDate="2018-01-22T17:38:56.870" Score="5" ViewCount="4686" Body="&lt;p&gt;My cousin once went on a date with a girl that I am currently dating. I'll be explicit, it was &lt;strong&gt;one&lt;/strong&gt; date, and nothing happened. The girl that he went on a date with was mine and my now ex-girlfriend's friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the date my cousin became very clingy and attached to the girl, and after several advances she politely asked him to stop and told him that she was not interested. He continued his advances for quite some time, and even came to my ex-girlfriend and I to ask us to ask him to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After about 4 years of dating, my ex-girlfriend and I broke-up, but the girl who my cousin dated remained my friend. She helped me through a very hard time in the 3 months after our break-up, and we ended up becoming a &quot;thing&quot; afterwards. We've now been dating for 4 months. The date that she went on my cousin at this point had happened over 12 months ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently came to realize that my cousin has been telling my family that this girl that I've been introducing to them is his &quot;ex-girlfriend&quot;, although that's 100% not true. Up until I heard this, I had not cared what my family thought of the situation or what he told them, but since he is making their &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; date out to be much more than it really was, it has caused my girlfriend and I some frustration. Ultimately, we don't care since we are confident in our relationship and ourselves, but we don't want people to have the wrong idea/information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I handle this type of situation but also avert any confrontation and conflict?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11756" LastEditorUserId="11756" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T20:40:16.430" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T02:00:22.007" Title="How can I deal with my cousin spreading the false perception that my current girlfriend is his ex-girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-22T19:30:41.547" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it's less about whether you are so perfect for Mary that you two should be together. This sounds like they decided they want another couple to hang with, and the combination of you two as that couple for their social purposes sounds especially appealing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in the situation where we had a &quot;best couple&quot; that we hung out with all the time.  It was great. They eventually moved to a suburb quite a bit further away and we lost that just because we couldn't get together easily. It sucked to lose that. Just shared that so you understand that this is an actual thing - single friends, while great, have different experiences and have different interests and habits than established couples will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bruce, I get that you guys really like us both, so the idea of all of us hanging out together and sharing &quot;couple&quot; experiences as best-couple-friends is appealing to you, but I'm not going to choose a partner based on how much you guys like us as a couple, I'm going to choose a partner based on how much &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; like them. And that doesn't say anything one way or another about whether or how much I like Mary, but it's gotta be my choice and my interest. I hope you can respect that. It's making me uncomfortable, and I'd hate to unconsciously spend less time with you guys because I'm uncomfortable. If it happens with Mary and I, it happens, on its own. Please stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastEditorUserId="6146" LastEditDate="2018-01-22T19:35:47.970" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T19:35:47.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7765" CreationDate="2018-01-22T22:56:23.703" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have gone through this exact situation as well. And you are correct in your concern that some people will think you are depriving your children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Answer&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We usually answer it simply and thusly: &quot;We don't do the Santa thing.&quot; It is that simple. There is absolutely nothing offensive about that, and it is easy to remember and say. In fact, on hearing this, some people are worried that &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; offended &lt;em&gt;us&lt;/em&gt; and they apologize, to which I respond that they have done nothing wrong, and our children know how others celebrate the holidays, but we just don't do it the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your Other Concern&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have been accused by friends and family of depriving our children of all kinds of things because of this, just as you alluded to in your comment on your question. Supposedly, we are killing the holiday spirit, we are squashing our children's imagination, and various other things. There are people who will say such things to you, sometimes very passionately and make you feel very uncomfortable; assuming you don't lie and are just being yourself, there is nothing that you can do to avoid that scenario and you have to just deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our case, it's even worse now because we decided to not do gifts on Christmas either. We did this when our oldest child was barely old enough to understand, and I don't think she even remembers ever getting any Christmas gifts from us. Even more people despise this. Sometimes it makes the situation a little better when I inform them that we do a gift exchange at a different time, usually on Thanksgiving instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you do still do the gifts, you'll likely get some of the comments, so you might want to be prepared for them with answers such as &quot;Our children still have plenty of imagination. Their creativity and imagination are nurtured in other ways, and they certainly are not missing out on anything they need from their childhood.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3245" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T22:56:23.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9433" CreationDate="2018-01-22T23:34:49.160" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way to go is to hit this directly head-on. That's the only way to deal with gossip and tongue-wagging. If it becomes a conflict, that's not on you, you are setting the record straight and dealing with facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;FAMILY: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part 1 - Have a standard, one-line answer that cuts to the chase when you hear the backhanded jokes and not-so subtle comments - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Haha! That Cousin Bob is a jokester. They did go on one single date way back when. I think he was pulling your leg a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part 2 - Find the absolute biggest blabber-mouth there is in the family, and set the record straight with a more detailed story about him carrying a torch and carrying on like a puppy-dog. If you want to give the obligatory &quot;Just between us....&quot; at the beginning, for semi-plausible deniability feel free. That selected communication outlet will take care of making sure EVERYONE knows the real scoop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this second part seems a bit harsh, feel free to bypass it. I put it out there as a way to pre-emptively make sure the real info gets to all corners of the family, instead of having to wait until you hear each and every person make a snide remark, first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your cousin becomes upset that everyone finds out how he behaved, you can remind him that they only know because you were forced into setting the record straight, and that you would have been very happy to never have mentioned it, on your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Culprit: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go to you cousin and confront him, straight-on. Tell him to stop spreading gossip, and to stop lying about you two to the family. Period. If he denies making those claims, say &quot;Fine, then you should have no problem stopping, but these people didn't come up with it on their own, and if I hear anything more about it, we're going to have a problem.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry if that doesn't fit the bill of avoiding confrontation, but for this individual, the behavior needs to be confronted. Hopefully, the correcting the record with the rest of the family can be pulled off with at least the facade of good spirits. If you correct it and don't seem especially put out by it all, to them, then the potential for juicy drama deflates. There's a good chance it will seem less interesting than a Jerry Springer episode, and they'll drop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2018-01-22T23:34:49.160" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9426" CreationDate="2018-01-23T00:46:08.617" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've gotten some great answers already, and I'm going to be repeating some of what you've already heard, but maybe in a slightly better packaging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see; &lt;em&gt;I've been that guy&lt;/em&gt;. I've been that guy who just won't give that girl a break - that girl who's a significant part of my life and whom I just can't stop thinking about in &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; way. The girl whom I intellectually know I should probably do my best to get rid of my feelings for, but whom I meet so often and whom I feel so close to that it just doesn't happen. I've been the &quot;friend&quot; who went into a jealous fit of passive aggressive idiocy when she got a boyfriend. I've been the &quot;friend&quot; who put so much psychological pressure on her that she started finding excuses to not see me. I've been the &quot;friend&quot; that just couldn't take a hint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know what this guy is feeling. He's carried a torch for you for so long. By now, he's most likely convinced himself that you're the only one for him. Relationships with other girls probably don't last very long - they can tell he's not giving them 100%, and there's more than likely been at least one argument where they worry about what the two of you mean to each other. He's told half the truth, saying you're &quot;just friends&quot;, wishing with every fiber of his being that it wasn't so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then came &quot;The Trigger&quot;, as you called it. Most likely, he'd been thinking about you, or there was something in that moment. Maybe it was a &quot;I'm having so much fun with her - why don't I ever have this much fun with my girlfriends?&quot;, or maybe it was something else. The fact of the matter remains - he reminded himself that he wanted &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;, nobody else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was crying, meaning that this is either something that makes him sad or that makes him feel pain. The difference is small in this scenario, but the origin of both feelings is the same - we're experiencing something that is different from the &quot;ideal&quot; world that we imagine in our heads. His sadness is based on the fact that reality is worse than his imagination, so he wants to force his imagination onto reality. Since reality always wins in a fight with imagination, the next step is frustration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's what happened next - He probably noticed how the passive aggressive comments were affecting you but &lt;em&gt;just didn't care&lt;/em&gt;. In fact, he probably wanted you to hurt a little bit at the time. After all, you've just made him hurt a whole bunch - at least, that's how he sees it - so isn't it only fair that he makes you hurt for a while, too? His way of ignoring you afterwards is just more of the same - you took yourself away from him (again - that's how &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; sees it), so now he's taking himself away from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen; I'll be honest with you here. In your own words, he's emotionally unstable, is doing some very emotionally manipulative things (consciously or unconsciously) and is the kind of person who would remind you 3-5 times &lt;em&gt;a week&lt;/em&gt; about how miserable he is because he is &quot;just&quot; your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a good person to have in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he ignores you like this - fine! Ignore him back. You've got lots of great people and things in your life to keep you busy. If he wants to sulk and be a drama queen, just let him. The only result you'll get if you come running back to him and want to smooth things over, work things out and try to &quot;save your friendship&quot; is to convince him that you &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; care. &quot;Only if she really, really, &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; loved me would she care so much about me! She just doesn't know it yet! She'll understand. I just have to be more persistent!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not responsible for his emotions. You never have been. Stop taking any form of responsibility for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cut him loose and move on. It might be a hard pill to swallow now, but I think that in the end, it's going to be the best for both of you. You don't need that kind of an emotional anchor in your life, weighing you down and making you miserable - and he needs to stand on his own two feet and get some emotional maturity so that he stops pestering people with his poor self-insight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11771" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T00:46:08.617" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3994" CreationDate="2018-01-23T00:59:20.630" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Humans &lt;em&gt;love&lt;/em&gt; this thing called reciprocality. If we feel like we're giving away too much to our friends, we feel like we're being used. But if we feel like our friends are giving us too much, we feel guilty. It's a fine line to walk, since usually both things don't happen at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the problem here isn't &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; that you can't afford to go out for dinner with your friends - it's that you have a hard time accepting handouts from them. You know that they've been very generous in the past, and you worry that if you continue to accept their donations, they will start feeling like you never give anything back. &quot;Why are we feeding these people? Can't they buy food of their own?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my suggestion to you would be to find something that you can give back - no matter what that is. It doesn't even have to be the same value, it only has to be of a similar &lt;em&gt;emotional&lt;/em&gt; value. Say you're out walking with your friends or something, and you spot a small corner kiosk. You want to go in and buy a Coke, so you ask your generous friends &quot;Hey, you guys want something? Ice cream? A Coke?&quot;, and then you buy it for them. If that's not something that comes up naturally, why not invite them over for a home-cooked dinner and a movie? You could say that &quot;You guys have been so generous these past few weeks, but I was thinking we could try something else - a nice and calm dinner together, just the four of us. I'll make your favorite Spagetti Carbonara!&quot; or something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find small moments of generosity with your time and effort. You're good at writing, so if you guys are still in school, why not offer to proof read one of their essays for them? Or call one of them with a really personal question that you're struggling with, even if this isn't something you would normally do. &quot;Hey, I've ... I've got this thing I'm dealing with, and I haven't talked to a lot of people about it, but ... I just ... I think you're the kind of person who could really set me straight on this, like .. like, offer the right kind of advice, you know?&quot; - Having another person express vulnerability and feeling as if you've helped them is so much more rewarding than being treated to dinner. Give your friends the opportunity to feel that for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And don't sweat the small stuff. It's just dinner with friends. Worst case scenario? Just tell them that &quot;Sorry, I can't afford it until after next salary, I had thisdentist bill/parking fine/back taxes/bribe/ransom/credit card bill/robbery/onion soup/something else that I wasn't expecting... &quot; or something like that. You'll be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11771" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T00:59:20.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9441" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-23T01:21:40.073" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell him that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Relationships are an intensely personal decision - and this is your decision, not his.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His trying to force you to do what he wants is violating a boundary.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him to just stop.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Let's talk about something else.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he persists, tell him calmly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Once again, he is violating a boundary.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask what's going on?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask what he needs to have happen in order for him to respect your boundary?  If his answer is unreasonable, tell him that you will discuss it again when everyone is calm and you've both had time to think about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11039" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T01:21:40.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9433" CreationDate="2018-01-23T02:00:22.007" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you hope to solve this dilemma in the most copacetic way possible, then it will require some work on your part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, &lt;strong&gt;get your facts straight&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't listen to hearsay or make assumptions based on what you hear from family members. &lt;strong&gt;Ask your cousin&lt;/strong&gt; how he has been describing or mentioning your new girlfriend to your family members. There are a myriad of ways to do this - tactfully or out-right. The point is that you should be hearing it directly from him. If he admits to you that he has been describing your new girlfriend as his ex-girlfriend, then try getting to the bottom of it. Try to find out &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; he's been doing that and work to refute his logic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But didn't you guys just go out on one date? Would you consider that as being boyfriend/girlfriend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask him questions that seek to understand his perspective. You may get to the root of it immediately or it may take several meetings. The key is to be patient and understanding, not accusatory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a chance that he's jealous of you or still has feelings for her? If so, then this presents a greater risk of conflict and will need to be dealt with in the most tactful way. &lt;em&gt;How&lt;/em&gt; you handle it will depend on your cousin and his personality. Instead of asking him directly about it, you may need to &lt;strong&gt;discuss it privately with your family members&lt;/strong&gt; and let them know that you don't want them to get the wrong idea, and that he may be holding onto some feelings. If this is the case, do not humiliate him publicly. You may risk him harboring resentment towards you which could cause the issue to worsen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way to handle this situation is to &lt;strong&gt;let it play out&lt;/strong&gt;. You did say that you and this girl have only been dating for 4 months, right? Let him say whatever he wants to say. It may be uncomfortable, but it's not damaging. Since this dilemma involves family members, they will eventually ask you about it at which point you will get to set the record straight. Four months into a relationship with a new girlfriend is a short time for your family to get to know her. You're not responsible for his actions and therefore should not respond to them. Ignore it, for now. Be the bigger person and let him say what he will. He's only hurting himself because once your family learns the truth he'll look like a fool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11156" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T02:00:22.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9309" CreationDate="2018-01-23T02:16:37.157" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put the blame on your wife (run it by her first of course!). Tell your neighbor that you simply prefer your wife go to Jane's house to watch the kids while they play. You could say that she's better at dealing with emergency situations in case anything happened or that she's better with other kids. No need to get extremely detailed, just get the point across that you cannot comply with her request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These options sidestep any accusations and will still give you and your wife an opportunity to build a relationship with your neighbor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11156" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T02:16:37.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9444" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9191" CreationDate="2018-01-23T03:29:10.687" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Confess your feelings to her in-person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I engaged in a long-distance relationship in college - our schools were a 6 hour drive from each other. We met through a mutual friend, began talking to each other online and eventually called/Skyped each other daily. We confessed our feelings toward each other in-person which made all of it memorable and special. She acknowledged weeks later that if I had shared my feelings for her over the phone or via Skype that she wouldn't have taken me as seriously. Needless to say, we fell in love shortly thereafter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, to address &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, I had no doubt in my mind she felt the same way about me so I let it happen naturally. If you're unsure, ask her out to dinner. Keep the conversation casual and then after your meal ask her to take a walk with you &lt;em&gt;outside&lt;/em&gt;. This is your chance to tell her how you're feeling. This is important because approaching the topic in an open, public place (especially if it's a romantic and/or picturesque setting) will allow her to be open-minded and consider the possibilities. You could let her know tactfully or directly, whichever you prefer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest bringing up your friendship as a point of conversation. &quot;Remember when we met?&quot; Recall some fun stories you shared, make her feel good about the times she's had with you, and then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've been friends for a while now, and I think we share a strong connection to one another. I think we're good as friends, but I think&#xA;  we'd be great as more than friends and I'm wondering if you do too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it smooth, keep it real, and if she's right for you it'll happen naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11156" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T03:29:10.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9191" CreationDate="2018-01-23T06:10:25.917" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A declaration or announcement is not needed.  You can plan to get together, and then see where it takes you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now an unsolicited suggestion focused on what to do if you are successful in launching a romantic relationship. Project yourself in to the future: imagine you are in a romantic relationship at a distance.  How are you going to sustain the relationship without expanding your modes of communication?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T06:10:25.917" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9446" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9447" CreationDate="2018-01-23T06:39:29.967" Score="4" ViewCount="934" Body="&lt;p&gt;My husband and I are working on immigration; currently, we are in two different countries. It is a long process with a lot of unknowns -- and a lot of tricky personal stuff we have to go through and deal with. Understandably, a lot of people we know are excited for us to eventually be together, but many people don't really realize the hardship and also the complexity of what we are doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to get a lot of questions along the lines of &quot;when will you be able to be together?&quot; and to be honest I have no idea! It depends on how the processing of the application goes, and all of that. I tried giving people the stock answer in terms of maximum processing time as far as the government has stated it (and that's assuming no difficulties or issues with anything), but they want to know more and I honestly don't have an answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being asked this all the time is super frustrating because it kinda forces me to remember that all of this is a giant unknown. I get that people mean well, I just get tired of constantly being asked a question I cant answer to anyone's satisfaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't help I am getting this from everyone from my family to coworkers to friends to random acquaintances...basically anyone I see regularly that knows we are working on this. I'm just at a loss - I hate answering this question because I don't have a &quot;good enough&quot; answer, and to be honest getting it repeatedly just makes me feel awful because, well, long distance and all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way I can get people to either stop asking, or to accept that I honestly have no idea but I will generally try to keep them updated as needed or as things change? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastEditorUserId="75" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T07:19:18.077" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T09:08:32.963" Title="How do I politely tell people that I don't have an answer to their personal question?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9446" CreationDate="2018-01-23T07:42:00.643" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had similar situations happen, when I was job-hunting my mom has a hand of keeping asking 'have you heard from so-and-so' every day. Telling her the deadline on its own didn't work: She'd remember but keep asking until the deadline was there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It got to the point where I wouldn't even tell her what I was doing anymore, which led to all other sorts of arguments ('You're not even trying, are you?' was one of the less nasty things she said). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stated that you were telling people either the maximum deadline/that they react to 'don't know' with 'do you have any idea?'. Which sounds very similar to what my mom did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, I had a good talk with my mom about how her behavior was bothering me. It took the fun out of telling her anything because she was basically reminding me every day that I hadn't heard anything yet. This may seem strange, but she did not know that. She just thought she was expressing genuine interest, and since it was a big part of my life right then, that I would love to talk about it. She didn't realize that I'd rather talk about completely different things because things weren't going well and such conversations were stressful to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say you'll have to explain this to your friends first. Stress that you appreciate their interest, but that right now you don't know more and that it's stressful enough as is. Explain that you'd like your time/talks with them to be more relaxed, that you really will keep them up to date by shouting things off the rooftops when it happens. If you're from a culture where directness is appreciated, you might follow such an explanation by asking them directly to refrain from asking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you had a conversation like that, most people won't magically stop asking (the ones that do are very good friends, keep them). So, you'll have to stand your ground on it and keep repeating yourself. Eventually, people will realize that you know as much as they do: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for asking. All quiet on the western front. Really, there's no news, and it's wearing me out as well. Can we talk about something more relaxing please? &amp;lt; Insert a question to change the topic here &gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or give them a small update if there is one to share:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for asking.  I sent out form XYZ-876 to so-and-so yesterday, at the very least I should have heard from them on &amp;lt; date &gt;, &lt;em&gt;I'll let you know once I know more&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to always make good on the update part! This won't work if you promise to keep people up to date but in the end, don't offer up the information you have yourself. This means you will have to meet friends and start the conversation yourself sometimes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, remember? I sent form XYZ-878 last week, I should hear back from them at the latest on 01-01-2020. Feel free to remind me to update you after that date has passed! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last sentence has as an added bonus that you'll provide your friends with some guidance on when it's acceptable for them to ask about it again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T07:42:00.643" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9446" CreationDate="2018-01-23T08:17:09.727" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd proceed by mixing up these points you stated&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;to be honest I have no idea!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;they want to know more and I honestly don't have an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Being asked this all the time is super frustrating&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and concoct the final one-for-all answer for all askers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, I've lost count of how many times I said &quot;I don't know&quot; &lt;em&gt;[maybe drop arms here]&lt;/em&gt;. That's the only truth, I don't know, nor there's any way to see whether we will know anywhere soon. This is something so important to us that, believe me, we will gladly share our joy and let you all know as soon as we have some decent real steps forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, in a single answer, you make it clear that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don't know&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you've already said it too many times&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you'll let them know&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T08:23:41.037" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T08:23:41.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9450" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-23T08:17:51.707" Score="36" ViewCount="18817" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I am taking part in organising an event for around 100 people. This is a leisure event. It is not work-related. These are events that take place three times a year, lasting from Friday to Sunday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are an association that organises a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Live_action_role-playing_game&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;LARP&lt;/a&gt;. The participants are generally recurring, so from event to event there are a lot of the same people. The events are advertised on our website and facebook pages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the participants, let's call her Alice, is someone that demands a lot of attention, doesn't fit well in the group and takes a lot of time from the organising committee. Every past event ended in some kind of drama, either public or private, that the organisers had to deal with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the organising committee, we think that Alice isn't a good fit for the group and what we do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have heard from other participants, as well as others involved in the organisation, that they really have issues with Alice, that they would strongly prefer her not to come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We agree with this and would block her from going to the upcoming event(s).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure how to break this to her though. For now, she hasn't registered for the upcoming event though. Our suspicion is that she has come to the same conclusion, and decided to stop coming. We don't know for sure though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So we can either tell her now and potentially put salt in her wounds if she already decided for herself not to come. Another option is to wait for her to register, and only then break it to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So how should I/we handle this problem?&lt;/strong&gt; Of course, we don't want to hurt Alice unnecessarily, but we also want to make very clear that we don't want her at the next event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T17:07:52.567" LastActivityDate="2021-03-31T15:41:36.590" Title="How to tell someone they're not welcome at an event you organise" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9452" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9450" CreationDate="2018-01-23T08:44:41.817" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends on what your goal is here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you want to keep Alice's feelings intact, and want to get out of this situation with the least amount of drama and bother&lt;/strong&gt;, then I suggest not telling her until she actually registers. If she &quot;got the hint&quot; so to speak then there is no reason for you to further talk to her about this, and you gain nothing from explaining yourself further. You would then keep this silence going until she registers again, and only then tell her, and remain vague while doing so. If you don't want to face the fire, you can't afford to be direct and rake the coals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you want to help Alice grow as a person&lt;/strong&gt;, you should definitely tell her though. It's easy to become absorbed in your own perspective, and Alice probably is. With no concrete actionable feedback it's very hard to change for the better. You might say that not being invited should be a hint that something is wrong and a cause for introspection, but not everyone is that socially aware. In fact, people who cause such difficulty for others often are not socially aware enough for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it means more bother for you. Yes, she might react poorly and get offended. And yes, her feelings may be hurt. But it's also a opportunity to grow as a person, something that not saying anything isn't going to provide at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It boils down to how much you all care about Alice, really, and what you judge the chances of success of such a thing. Things only you can know about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T08:44:41.817" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9453" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9446" CreationDate="2018-01-23T09:08:32.963" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell them what you have told us here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have no idea how long the process will take. I will let you know when there is any progress. It is agonizing for me to be constantly reminded of it. I understand your enquiries are well-intentioned and I am grateful for your concern. However, I would appreciate it if we don't discuss this topic so frequently. I hope you understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first couple of times someone asks, just the first one or two sentences should be sufficient, but if they pester you beyond that, then go for the full elaboration of the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; care for you to be together, then they should understand and stop bothering you further. If they still keep irritating you, then clearly they aren't really &quot;excited&quot; for you or anything, and you might consider getting rid of them from your life at that point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="141" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T09:08:32.963" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9455" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-23T10:02:22.997" Score="53" ViewCount="13618" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is something I run into sometimes, as I'm 15 years old currently and a moderator on an online community. Sometimes, people will doubt my abilities, especially online, when they become aware of my age (although people generally seem to think that I'm older, based on my writing style).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It goes something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;*mentions something about doing something IRL&lt;/em&gt;*&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Other person&lt;/strong&gt;: Wait, how old are you? Isn't that like for kids?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: Well... I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; fifteen.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Other person&lt;/strong&gt;: Wait, really? Are you sure that you can do this? I'm not sure if I trust a teenager to be responsible enough for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(this conversation is &lt;em&gt;entirely&lt;/em&gt; fictional, but based on real conversations I have had)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some access to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personally_identifiable_information&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;PII&lt;/a&gt;; the ability to suspend/delete accounts; edit people's profiles; and stuff like that (which I use only as needed ;)).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not that they doubt that I'll mess up any one thing in particular; just a general 'you're kinda young for this kind of thing'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm more concerned about this type of conversation with more active, experienced users; but I'd also like to be able to talk to a newer user who hasn't had the time to get to know me yet as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, while I hope that my actions will speak for themselves, I'm also looking for a way to communicate my response to this. How do I effectively get people to look past my age when considering my abilities, if they know how old I am? How do I convince them that my exact &lt;em&gt;age&lt;/em&gt; isn't what matters, but the level of &lt;em&gt;maturity&lt;/em&gt; that I display?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I get them to trust my abilities despite my age?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T21:21:40.740" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T05:18:27.437" Title="How do I effectively get people to look past my age when considering my abilities, if they know how old I am?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;teenagers&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9455" CreationDate="2018-01-23T10:23:08.970" Score="64" Body="&lt;p&gt;First I question why you need everyone to trust your abilities. Some random JoeSchmo from chat's opinion hasn't got much bearing on what you can actually do, so convincing them is probably not necessary. It seems to me that what you want is to end this conversation of them questioning your abilities. So I suggest something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've been just fine so far and $authority seems to think so, too. I don't think my age is a problem here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the advantage of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Making it clear without being rude that you don't want to keep talking&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Referencing a point of authority (Yes I know argument from authority is a fallacy usually but this isn't a classical debate or argument)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Giving the other person a graceful out (and a graceful way to drop the topic)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if for some reason you really want to convince someone in their heart of hearts that you are capable and they should see it that way, that's going to be complicated. You could:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point to situations you've handled properly in the past (bit difficult with the discreet nature of moderation)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Re-direct the question and ask them how old they thought you were before and why the perception of your maturity shifted just now?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point to examples of others with similar age in the same position.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, you won't convince everyone, but that's ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T14:59:51.907" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T14:59:51.907" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9455" CreationDate="2018-01-23T10:37:11.083" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Fight them back with evidences and providing what you actually did; put your portfolio in front of them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other person&lt;/strong&gt; Wait, really? Are you sure that you can do this? I'm not sure if I trust a teenager to be responsible enough for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; Well, I did &lt;em&gt;[achievement]&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;[achievement]&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;[achievement]&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;[achievement]&lt;/em&gt;, everything is still working fine, &lt;em&gt;[authority/ies]&lt;/em&gt; is/are happy with that and nothing exploded so far. What do you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(isn't a resumé/curriculum vitae something you'd normally do when you want to be hired at a company?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you put them in the position of questioning facts rather than questioning your age.&#xA;And questioning facts is waaay harder. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T10:37:11.083" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9450" CreationDate="2018-01-23T11:04:59.477" Score="63" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that you are absolutely right to want to have your reaction planned in advance if Alice tries to sign up for the event. That suggests that you are trying to minimise the drama for all concerned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you and the appropriate other members of the group consider a couple of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than drama during previous events, has anyone ever addressed this with Alice? Did anyone ever contact her afterwards to say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey Alice, I’m speaking on behalf of the group here…yesterday/the last&#xA;event was well out of order, you can see that as much as anyone, so&#xA;what’s it all about? Do you see how much extra work it makes when you&#xA;X and Y? That’s why we always end up with you at the middle of some&#xA;drama. It stresses you and everyone else. Can you undertake to not X&#xA;and Y at the next event? If not, we’ll have to ask you to stand down&#xA;from the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that never happened, then the group ducked a responsibility to one of its members. I'm not excusing her behaviour and you don’t have to keep her in the group, but it is fair , and general good citizenship, to give someone the opportunity to make a change, with the consequences of failing to make the change known to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nobody has spoken to Alice about the effects of and problems with her behaviour previously, it seems to not be constructive to cast it up to her only when it is too late for her to remedy, when you are effectively barring her. That is only going to lead to bad feeling and possible further unpleasantness down the line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've not been in exactly this situation, and I'm not quite an Alice, but long ago in High School I had just moved schools and was trying to make new friends. I thought I was doing okay at it, but then one girl in the group started to ignore me completely, blanking me if we were in a group together. Someone else told me that she thought I spent too much time talking about my old school so she was done with me. She was probably right, in my fear of not being &lt;em&gt;in&lt;/em&gt; conversations I was gabbling on in a way that was boring people. Once I was aware, I made changes, but Rosemary carried right on ignoring me, for her it was too late and I was irredeemable. She was entitled to her view, but if someone had been bold enough to tell me where I was going wrong I could have annoyed her less and avoided and awkward dynamic in the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my recommendation would be for the rest of the group to take it on the chin this time if Alice wants to attend. But, Alice’s attendance should be conditional on you and/or others in the group having the above conversation with her and Alice agreeing to not do X and Y behaviours. Alice should be left in no doubt that if she fails in that she will no longer have access to your events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2021-03-31T15:41:36.590" LastActivityDate="2021-03-31T15:41:36.590" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9455" CreationDate="2018-01-23T11:22:38.970" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people achieve amazing things while still in their teens, and some teenagers do have knowledge beyond their years. However it just isn't possible to claim the same experience as an older person because experience is acquired over time, and as yet nobody has been able to cheat the linear nature of time. There are no short-cuts to being old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I accept this can be frustrating if you are young and knowledgeable. For example, some teens have been fortunate enough to drive a vehicle around their family's private land years before they would legally be allowed to drive on a road. Consequently by the time they are old enough to drive they are way more experienced than most newly approved drivers, but they still have to go through the same process of gaining a license as everybody else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Weirdly, other types of experience are measured in hours, such as flying time for pilots. But when it comes to applying for a job someone who has done a job for 10 years has 10 years experience, end of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way you can get someone to trust in your abilities is to &lt;em&gt;demonstrate&lt;/em&gt; that ability, which I get can be frustrating if you believe you can do something but an adult doesn't accept that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; to argue that you can do a task. This does not come across as mature. My 9 year old tells me all the time that she can do things by herself &quot;now I'm a grown up&quot; (as a 15 year old you probably find the notion that a 9 year old is &quot;grown up&quot; funny. When you're 21 you may well find it amusing when 15 year-olds claim the same).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should do is ask for an opportunity to demonstrate your ability. Adults in authority give children responsibility in stages. Humbly accept &lt;em&gt;part&lt;/em&gt; of a task, do it well, and then see if they will trust you with the rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T11:22:38.970" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9461" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9470" CreationDate="2018-01-23T11:35:25.260" Score="32" ViewCount="8334" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a student, living with four other non-students, who've all recently graduated. There's one girl, let's call her Sarah, who officially doesn't live here, but effectively does; she stays around all the time, smokes cigarettes and weed in my housemate's room (that's another issue entirely) and eats food in our house, with our plates and mugs. She has a habit of leaving cigarette ends (butts, and sometimes just ash) on those plates and keeping them in our other housemate's room. I'm disgusted, of course, but all of my attempts to ask her to stop doing this have failed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So at first I posted on the Facebook group politely, twice, asking that this not happen. My housemate (Claire) apologises on Sarah's behalf, the first two times, and promised to talk to her about it. It's Claire's room that Sarah smokes in (Claire also smokes and does weed, but at the least knows how to use an ashtray,) so when I brought it up to Claire in person after the third time it happened, she told me not to worry, because she yells at Sarah every time she does it. I've asked Sarah in person, politely, not to do it, and she's just sort of given a non-committal &quot;Oh yeah, sorry, I won't do that anymore&quot; response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've come down this morning to find more ash in cereal bowls, and I don't know what to do about this anymore. I'm really angry at her, but I'm also effectively powerless to do anything more than what I've already done. The problem is, not only is Sarah Claire's best friend, she's also the girlfriend of two of the male housemates (it's a polyamorous house.) While neither of her boyfriends smoke, and I know that they both also dislike Sarah leaving ash in plates, I'm not aware of either of them taking active steps to discourage Sarah from doing it. Also, all of them besides one have been living here previously, so I can assume that Sarah's probably been doing this since before I moved in. So I risk pissing off at least three of my housemates if I get directly angry at Sarah.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm really sick and tired of Sarah's behaviour - repeatedly using dishes for her ashtray. It's disgusting and unhygienic, and I feel powerless to do anything about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11026" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T00:13:17.410" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T03:30:20.343" Title="How to stop an unofficial housemate from leaving cigarette ends in our plates and cups?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;&lt;smoking-vaping&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9255" CreationDate="2018-01-23T11:56:33.790" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's calculate...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are leaving the screen in stad-by wasting approximately 1 Wh per &lt;del&gt;day&lt;/del&gt; accident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anne unplugging your screen causes you to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Identify the problem with computer on. Estimate it as power consumption times the time wasted, say 400W * 0.1h when you wasted 6 minutes. That means 40Wh wasted.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Work extra to compensate the time under the desk. That means extra consumption for lights and if you are using air-conditioning it has to compensate your body heat as well. Using same formula we can estimate the wasted enargy to be (100W+&lt;a href=&quot;https://physics.stackexchange.com/questions/116960/how-much-energy-in-form-of-heat-does-a-human-body-emit&quot;&gt;100&lt;/a&gt;W)* 0.1h that means 20Wh.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Summing this up, Annie is saving 1Wh per accident but accidentaly wasting 60Wh per accident (Actual numbers may vary).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am willingfully ignoring the ammount of energy I, and all the authors of other questions) had to invest in the answer (power consumed by my computer while writing this and heat prodiced by my brain thinking about it) and the energy you have invested to writing this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am also ignoring the fact, that people usually dissipate more energy when angry. And messing with someone's computer usualy make people angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she gets the idea, that turning screen off saves negligible ammounts of energy, but it can sum up to high numbers, she shall accept argument that not turning screen off and her inappropriately aggresive unpluging she screen wastes unnegligible ammounts of energy and it can sum um to even higher numbers!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not blame her for unplugging the screen. Blame some anonymous Joker and state that you don't care about the prank. You allready accepted to care about the environment, but you sometimes forget to turn the screen off though. Share your concerns about the consequences of Jokers pranks and ask Annie to help you with solving it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you regularly find the screen unplugged, call in your IT department to have it tracked and report to your manager that somebody is regularly messing with your computer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T11:56:33.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9461" CreationDate="2018-01-23T12:36:30.007" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few things to get in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As a paying tenant you have as much right to be there and to have a say as any of the other paying tenants. Doesn't matter that they have been there longer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sarah is not a paying tenant and has no rights.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Doesn't matter who invites her to be there, while in the shared areas or using shared facilities (like the plates) Sarah is a guest of you all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already brought this up with Sarah and housemates who have acknowledged it, and either nothing has been done about it or Sarah is continuing to ignore the request, either willfully or due to forgetfulness / being stoned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not actually 'powerless' - you have all the power! The drug use is illegal, you could shop them to the landlord! But what you are probably feeling is trapped because you don't want to go down that route, and perhaps not even threaten it (I am not advocating that you do, btw).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you've said, nothing is going to change in this house. They've all graduated, so this is not just 'student life', this is their lifestyle of choice. You need to decide: &lt;em&gt;What is more important - living here and maintaining relationships with the other tenants, or living in a clean environment?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the environment is important to you, as it would be to me, then you need to get tougher with them and not be afraid of the consequences. You don't need to get self-righteous or judgemental, just come from the point of view of a paying tenant. Call a house meeting. State what you find unacceptable. State that this is the final time you will bring it to their attention and you are considering talking to the landlord about the state of the place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is more important to you that you stay in that house for whatever reason, then you may have to put up with the habits of your chosen housemates, or consider looking for another (cleaner) place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T12:36:30.007" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9398" CreationDate="2018-01-23T12:51:09.717" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talk about this with your son.  He may turn out to be more mature than his mother.  Don't stress it, but ask him to do the same with your new partner: easy does it, don't push things.  She'll never be his mother, and if they turn out to get along you may praise yourself to be very lucky.  And I think there's nothing you can do about your ex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1987" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T12:51:09.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9461" CreationDate="2018-01-23T13:08:13.280" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have used the tag 'acceptable-behaviour' and I think that is the nub of the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the culture of the shared house, prior to your arrival, this clearly &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; acceptable behaviour to all the housemates, and continues to be acceptable to others. Note, they may not approve of it necessarily, but they are &lt;em&gt;accepting&lt;/em&gt; of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this means that you are going to have an uphill battle to change anything, and that the more obvious result of that will be greater friction in your relationship with your housemates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm coming at this question from the perspective of having spent several years in various shared houses in the past. Ultimately, some people's habits are just not compatible with your own and the dynamics of shared houses can be complex; everyone is in a space that they feel ownership of and often people don't want to back down on compromise issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My recommendation is 'choose your battles' and don't invest too much energy in flogging dead horses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can continue to try and reform Sarah's behaviour. This &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; increasingly result in others with more longstanding relationships with her coming to her defence, making this an increasingly polarising house-issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can look for a work around which means you don't ever have to worry about eating off crocks that have been used for ash.&#xA;There are a couple of ways you might do that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could get a set of distinctively different crockery for yourself, to keep with the rest of the house stuff and make sure people know it is yours. Then tell Sarah, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'Okay, I get it, you aren't going to change... but look, I got a set&#xA;  of stuff for myself. So carry on as you were with the house stuff, but&#xA;  mine is off limits. Cool?'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work then you have to consider that you are living with people you cannot come to a compromise with (and you are living with Sarah to all intents and purposes, regardless of tenancy status). In that instance you have to either decide that you care enough to keep your own crocks separately in your room and only bring them out to use; or to look for digs that better meet your standards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a small addendum:Beware of unintended consequences. There is a possibility that the house would smell worse if she used ashtrays.... Again coming from shared house experience, sometimes you can stop people using plates as ashtrays, you can make sure the house has more ashtrays, buy old saucers from charity shops etc, and then you find that people don't &lt;strong&gt;empty&lt;/strong&gt; ashtrays, and they get washed even less often than the plates and mugs did. They sit there as stinking heaps overspilling onto the carpets and other furnishings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T13:48:22.450" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T13:48:22.450" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9467" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9487" CreationDate="2018-01-23T13:48:29.930" Score="67" ViewCount="22221" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context :&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in my early forties and I've always been a loner and never really made friends. Until recently I didn't even know what was so great about them.&#xA;I don't have any problems socializing, it's just I don't &quot;need&quot; it. I enjoy company but I'm not looking for it.&#xA;I met someone I really (and surprisingly) like and over the months I started to open up and reciprocate his friendship (I have a lot of acquaintances but I always kept my distance, some even say I was putting up walls between me and them).&#xA;It was the first time I ever invited someone at my home and the first time I accepted invitations from someone who was not from my family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem :&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's great. Really. It feels like I now have a better understanding of what being &quot;normal&quot; is and I enjoy every time I speak to or meet with him.&#xA;On the other hand, I'm now afraid to make mistakes, to be too demanding (I'm not, but since I don't have any experience in friendships, I'd rather choose to avoid contact than contacting that person too much, I don't use his phone number, his messaging accounts, only his email) or to have him cope with teaching me how to behave in social situations. I read as much as I could about friendships on this very StackExchange and on the Internet. I'm pretty sure I can't replace experience with &quot;theoretical knowledge&quot;. I'm missing about 30 years of experience and it's hard for me to read people in a non technical/professional situation. I'm bound to fail and I think it's better I stop trying right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question :&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I stop this relationship without hurting his feelings and eventually explain that I'm lacking experience in friendships to handle this situation properly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11781" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T16:56:00.000" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T21:51:42.830" Title="Stopping a relationship with a good friend because It's too overwhelming and new for me" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9450" CreationDate="2018-01-23T14:02:42.243" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming you want to maintain a good relationship with this person and do not want to alienate them then it might be good to be proactive about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One-on-one you can try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1 You:&lt;/strong&gt; Hi Alice, the big event is coming up soon and we see that you haven't registered yet. Will you be joining us for this one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2 Alice:&lt;/strong&gt; Yep, I see that it's coming up but I don't think I'll be attending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3 You:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh, no? Why not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4 Alice:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;Explains previous blunders and airs her concerns.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5 You:&lt;/strong&gt; I see. It's funny that you mention this, I've heard some people express similar concerns. Are these situations things that are out of your control?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;6 Alice:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;blah, bah, blah&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;7 You:&lt;/strong&gt; I see. I think that we too want to make things fun for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully up to this point Alice has made it clear whether or not she intends to go. If she mentions that she does want to go then this is your chance to say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm glad to hear that you will be attending but I must let you know that the other organizers have noticed the past behaviors as well. There is a considerable amount of hesitation in having you attend this event. Would you be willing to give your word that x, y, nor z will happen this time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at Step #2 she obliviously says &quot;Oh, yes! Sorry, haven't had a chance to rsvp. Put me down though!&quot; then you will need to lead in with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh excellent, thanks! Listen though, I am not sure if you are aware but in previous events there has been some tension. The other organizers and I have been meaning to ask you about x, y, and z actions at previous events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to engage in a back and forth conversion and do not just continuously dump all of her past blunders at once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she royally effs up this event then make sure to speak to her privately in person within the next two days and explain that you guys will not be extending an invite for future events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, I think this should achieve the best result for both parties involved and Alice will not feel misled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T14:10:40.167" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T14:10:40.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9461" CreationDate="2018-01-23T14:08:46.570" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;I realize this answer may be more of a 'hack' than what we typically want in an answer for IPS but I was in a very similar situation and this worked wonders so I really wanted to write it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Buy a bunch of ashtrays, openly tell Sarah that you have bought these ashtrays with your own money so that she can use them rather than the bowls and then place a few at convenient spots around the house.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts Sarah in a position where she will almost certainly conform and use the ashtrays because to do otherwise would using extra effort to go out of her way when she knows it will piss you off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Buying them yourself and remaining polite when you tell her removes the opportunity for her to protest or get annoyed and unless she behaves incredibly irrationally then this should hopefully work for you just as well as it did for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a somewhat passive-aggressive approach Sarah might not like it. But it solves the issue without you doing anything that she can reasonably argue and it seems like your other options are far more likely to get heated. Not to mention how finding a way to fix the issue without causing any fuss will probably earn the appreciation of your other housemates (who you said also would prefer she not use the bowls as ashtrays).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T14:14:18.653" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T14:14:18.653" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9471" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-01-23T14:09:01.493" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;No one? &#xA;Since pushing Bruce so far got you nowhere, but you are good friend with Alice - ask her, if she can talk to Bruce to stop pushing you into relationship with Mary.     &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she answers: &quot;Why not?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;keep repeating &quot;I don't want to.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;A: &quot;blahblahblah, u would be perfect couple&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(wrinkle forehead, eyebrows together) &quot;But I really don't want to.&quot;    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you can't loose anything.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;And it should work, because:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;if Alice is &quot;source of idea about relationship with Mary&quot; - she will stop pushing Bruce into it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;if Bruce is &quot;source of idea about relationship with Mary&quot; - Alice could tell him to stop.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are pushing you into it, because &quot;couples want couples&quot;, but they surely want your happiness/friendship more, so if it is idea of both (or Alice's) - you will have to convince Alice and not only Bruce. Also Alice should be more emphatic (and less dominant).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2825" LastEditorUserId="2825" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T14:53:28.043" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T14:53:28.043" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-23T14:09:09.810" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I don't want to see people anymore due to reasons other than a falling out, I just start limiting my contact with them. Stop responding to their messages (that aren't questions or invitations) and reduce the frequency I see them until both parties don't feel too upset when contact stops completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said I don't think you should stop your friendship because you don't have the 'necessary experience'. Being friends isn't about smooth social interactions and making everything perfect, it's just about spending time with people you want to spend time with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to get experience in friendships is to be friends with someone, from a purely pragmatic perspective this is a great opportunity for you to learn how to be friends with someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it makes it easier, treat this like a 'practice friendship'. If it goes south then you'll feel better knowing it was a good experience putting your research into practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastEditorUserId="9259" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T13:31:10.333" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T13:31:10.333" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9473" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-23T14:53:21.137" Score="8" ViewCount="1960" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like most humans have judged value of life by size since beginning of the universe, but I tend to not share that same viewpoint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when something sweet is left in my kitchen, thousands of ants come and then they are killed by my mother. (I am 15 and live with my parents.) This upsets me, because I feel like they have just as much right to live as we do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell her, and anyone else I see doing it, that it's upsetting for me to see them kill these creatures?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8801" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T20:41:54.953" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T20:54:21.910" Title="How to explain that it upsets me to see people kill insects?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9450" CreationDate="2018-01-23T15:13:01.093" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As things are right now, you may not need to do anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For now, she hasn't registered for the upcoming event though. Our&#xA;  suspicion is that she has come to the same conclusion, and decided to&#xA;  stop coming. We don't know for sure though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be looking for a solution to a non-existent problem.  If she isn't planning on showing up, why say anything at all?  Wait until she commits before you do anything.  This is the best way to avoid hurting her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does decide to go after all here's what I would do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd let her come to the event.  And I would keep an eye on her when she does.  If she stirs up some sort of drama at the event I would - at the exact moment she does - explain to her that she is taking an undue amount of time and resources from the committee.  Explain it to her right there and then.  &quot;I'm sorry but we are very busy, there are 100 people here we are trying to accommodate, and you are taking an undue amount of our time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will either change her behavior or not.  If she does, then all is well and problem solved.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does not, then you use this event to lay the groundwork for not inviting her to the next one, if she doesn't shape up.  You'll be able to cite a concrete example as to why she is not invited.  This way if you elect to not invite her it won't blindside her.  Being excluded is always painful, but this can hopefully soften the blow a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11788" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T15:13:01.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9455" CreationDate="2018-01-23T15:26:26.930" Score="29" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;If you have specific issues with how I perform this role, you are welcome to talk to me or &lt;em&gt;authority&lt;/em&gt; about it privately. Otherwise, this is not the appropriate place to question my position.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be direct and tell them that what they are doing is not appropriate. You were selected to take this role for a reason, and those reasons are not for public debate (this is no different than being questioned in your workplace). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not want to ask for an opportunity to prove yourself, or lower yourself to any position where you are trying to show you are capable. If you were not capable, you would not have been selected in the first place. Beyond this, you did not choose to take you on - that is your employer's responsibility - you do not have to answer to others on their behalf.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation happens in work as much as situations like yours. The key is to be clear that you are in this role, it is not a debate to be had, and that while you will take on specific feedback if they have any - that needs to be done through an appropriate channel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10883" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T15:26:26.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9477" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9473" CreationDate="2018-01-23T15:31:25.433" Score="0" Body="&lt;h1&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask your mother if you can keep the ants as pets, and educate her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an insect lover, I understand how it feels when insects are harmed or killed, most probably by people who simply do not possess knowledge of these often misunderstood animals. This means that if you want to go the interpersonal way, you may want to start researching these insects and then convince your mother they are not the evil pests people proclaim them to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ants love sweets and sugary food&lt;/strong&gt;. Drop a bit of honey or sugar next to a worker ant and watch as she gets excited in finding the food and then returning back to her colony to inform the other ants. You can check as they move their antennas around when communicating to one another, this is just like how you'd imagine gossip to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the food source also contains a sustainable living place for ants (with proper temperature and humidity conditions), many worker ants will start moving to this new territory and eventually &lt;strong&gt;the colony will also move their queen over&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One solution to the problem you're currently having could be setting up a food trap for the worker ants to investigate and trap as many as you can. The outsider ants do not want to be left behind by their fellow sisters (who are inside the trap), and will want to move in. Eventually they'll bring their queen over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep this in mind, as the queen is the most important element of the colony. You don't know where the queen is located, and even if your mother knew where she was, and killed her, the colony would slowly die, but you wouldn't have a proper answer to your interpersonal question. Also keep in mind that the food trap would have to contain the proper settings for the ants to &lt;strong&gt;build a graveyard and a dump yard&lt;/strong&gt; (Yes, ants are this hygienic and organized).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In essence, if you don't want people to kill insects you love, you have to research these insects and &lt;strong&gt;educate the people around you about them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4019" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T15:31:25.433" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9478" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9481" CreationDate="2018-01-23T15:49:33.980" Score="58" ViewCount="20151" Body="&lt;p&gt;About a year and a half ago I was waist deep in a job search.  Having found a new job, I've since attempted to remove my resume from the internet. &lt;em&gt;However&lt;/em&gt;, this hasn't stopped recruiters from finding my cell phone number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has become an increasing issue while I'm at work, because my patience quickly dwindles.  Recruiters will call, I will answer, and I am then trapped into a long intro about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Who they are&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Who they work for&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where they found my info&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;An expose about the job they think would be a perfect fit for me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sometimes, without pause, they even begin speaking about &quot;&lt;em&gt;If you don't want it, we offer referral incentives if you have a friend who can fit the role...&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to not be rude, since any of these people could help place me into a new role in the future and I don't want to burn bridges.  However I do not want to waste time listening to them because I have nothing to offer them at this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, &lt;strong&gt;when is the best time to interrupt and dismiss myself from a call like this, and how can I do so in the most polite/professional manner&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; Answering my phone at work is permitted for my job, but I only do so in case of family emergency or in anticipation of hearing from a friend who's currently at a recovery facility over 14 hours away from me.  These are both &lt;em&gt;very rare but very important&lt;/em&gt; calls to me, and not answering my phone is not the answer I am looking for. &lt;strong&gt;My mom often calls from an 'unknown' number (it's just how her work dials out and can't be helped) and I cannot call my friend back. Please do not recommend any additional voicemail solutions. While they have their use, they are not helpful for my current scenario.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, I've made an effort to save the contact information after a recruiter calls so that I know not to answer in the future, but more often than not it's a new recruiter calling from a new number, so this hasn't solved much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T21:16:06.807" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T23:41:15.607" Title="How to politely interrupt recruiters who keep cold-calling me during my work hours?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9478" CreationDate="2018-01-23T15:58:08.430" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best, and most respectful way is to interrupt them by saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, I don't want to waste your time.  I am no longer looking.  Thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though this may seem a little rude, it is the best approach as it allows them to proceed to their next prospect more quickly, and saves their voice.  recruiters are on the phone all day and will actually appreciate a quick &quot;No, thank you&quot; at the beginning of their pitch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T15:58:08.430" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9450" CreationDate="2018-01-23T16:00:04.530" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;For other people looking for this solution, here are a couple of options to make this painless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the unwelcome person doesn't sign up, no problem.  By having a registration, you can filter for who signs up.  Unlike inviting people directly who allow guests, this should help prevent an unwelcome person, though the next steps will be good as well and require this step.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One way to solve this without offending anyone is to organize the event with a &lt;strong&gt;limit of attendees in place&lt;/strong&gt; from the beginning.  If someone signs up who you prefer not to allow, they won't know if they'll make the final cut, and since there is no guarantee anyone &lt;em&gt;makes it&lt;/em&gt;, you can have them on the cut list.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you don't want to keep a limit, you can simply be clear the person is unwelcome when they sign up.  Unless you have security, keep in mind this could be inviting a confrontation, especially if this person doesn't care (which the question seems to imply).  Starting with a &quot;limited number of attendees&quot; does help.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Invite people directly without the option of plus-ones.  Be explicit about this and make it clear that you will not admit anyone who is not directly invited.  You can put this on your invitation as well - &lt;em&gt;because we've had unwelcome people in the past show up, we will only allow the people we've directly invited.  This is to make sure everyone feels comfortable.&lt;/em&gt;  You must be clear about this and willing to enforce this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hire a few security people and allow anyone to come - including the unwelcome person - but be clear that anyone who engages in unwelcome activity will be escorted out.  This situation welcomes the most possible conflict, but may be the only option, depending on where you live (if the other options could be construed as discrimination, which in theory, shouldn't be if this is a social event only).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11791" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T16:00:04.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9478" CreationDate="2018-01-23T16:00:06.237" Score="163" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep this in mind: recruiters are salespeople.  They get paid when positions get filled.  They want to pursue potential opportunities and not go after something that won't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, showing that they're wasting their time on you is not rude.  It saves them time and enables them to pursue a potential sale and not pursue someone who is not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a recruiter introduces themself, it's usually in the format of &quot;Hello [x], this is John Doe from RecruitingCorp.  I've got a position that you would be a good fit for...&quot;  That's the time to break in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John, I'd like to save you some time here.  Thanks for the call and I really appreciate your contacting me.  At this point I'm not in the market and I don't know of anyone looking, either.  Good luck with your search!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be polite, appreciative, and professional.  And if they get insistent, just say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I need to get back to work.  Have a great day!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And hang up.  They're used to being told &quot;not interested&quot; and unless you're a jerk about it, they'll pick the phone back up and try the next potential contact.  If you're pleasant, they'll forget about within half an hour and keep moving on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T19:28:55.387" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T19:28:55.387" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9426" CreationDate="2018-01-23T16:22:51.127" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to add to other answers that it is quite possible that Bill has already accepted the rejection, but simply gets extremely depressed if he is reminded of you. He might even be accustomed to getting rejected, but was hoping for things to be different with a good friend who doesn't see him as being weird, nerdy, awkward, ugly, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A combination of emotional outpour combined with sudden need to ignore you, likely indicates that he is trying his best to push you away from him. This means he might think it is best for him if he were no longer reminded of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you distance yourself from him, he will find his way in time. It is important not to push yourself in to his life at this time for you will simply open the wound. Try giving him some space, he will likely at some point give in to weakness and send something negative or rude to you. Ignore this. Don't even give him an &quot;okay...&quot; Don't even give him the checkmark that you read his message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to help him, the best you could do is try to avoid running in to him and instead ask his friends to hang out with him instead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now comes the hardest part, or you risk losing your friend forever. You must find a way to reintroduce yourself in to his life. It is possible that there never will be a time for this, or that he will never be completely fine with being near you, but it is also possible that he at some point wishes to apologise and wish you the best in your love life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11793" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T16:22:51.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9478" CreationDate="2018-01-23T16:29:33.063" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;An alternative solution that may work for you depending on your phone philosophies is &lt;strong&gt;don't answer the phone for &lt;em&gt;unrecognized&lt;/em&gt; numbers&lt;/strong&gt;. Set your answering machine to say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You have reached Jess K. For personal related calls please leave a message. If you are calling for recruitment, I have already concluded my job search but thank you anyway for your consideration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T19:27:33.870" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T19:27:33.870" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9455" CreationDate="2018-01-23T16:50:37.053" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been a moderator on an online forum as well in my teen years, it's really hard to convince people that you're more mature than your age however you don't need them to trust you completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you mentioned (I'll write down about access to PII)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The ability to suspend/delete accounts, edit people's profiles and&#xA;  stuff like that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In practice all of those actions an admin could reverse (expect maybe deletion though it should be also reversible), you should mention that, for example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All of the actions I take are reversible, if I misbehave an admin would handle it, since I'm still a moderator that means I'm doing a good job and I don't intend to change that, as you get to know me you can decide whether I'm mature or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're basically telling them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't need to completely trust me blindly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm competent in my job&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the last part of the sentence &quot;as you get to know me you can decide whether I'm mature or not.&quot; is there because it shows that you know that trust needs to be earned through time which is also a sign of maturity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About access to PII I don't know how to address it because sharing (some) PII information is illegal and punishable by the law, though I don't think you need to address this specifically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3689" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T16:53:15.630" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T16:53:15.630" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-23T17:21:43.073" Score="176" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try doing the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Thank him for being your friend&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;State your problem,&lt;/strong&gt; tell him that you are not very good at social interactions and are afraid you will offend him eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;State what you intend to do to fix your problem.&lt;/strong&gt; In your case go back to not having any close friends.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;End by thanking him again and apologizing for your shortcomings&lt;/strong&gt; ( i.e. Not wanting to continue the friendship).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you Bob for inviting me to xyz and being such a good friend. &#xA;  I'm not a very social person and I'm afraid that I will probably&#xA;  offend you eventually.  So I'm going to stop being your friend so that&#xA;  you can find other people to be friends with.  I'm sorry that I&#xA;  struggle with this social anxiety.  Thank you again for being a good&#xA;  friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanking him at the beginning and the end frames the conversation in the positive light of gratitude which will ease the pain of being told that you don't want to be his friend any more.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Advice:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Writing the above answer to your question was actually painful for me to do. Because I don't believe it's the right choice. What I mean by that is I believe you can find a much larger amount of happiness by pursuing this friendship than by stopping it. I've found in my own life that those times when I am connected with other people are the most fulfilling times in my life. And I'm no extrovert.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look right now you have a potential, you can choose to develop that potential into something valuable. Or you can watch it fade away as time goes by. Either way you lose your potential as time passes. You might as well at least try to develop that potential into something valuable. And Friendship is one of the most valuable things I can think of.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm missing about 30 years of experience . . . I'm bound to fail and I&#xA;  think it's better I stop trying right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're right you are going to fail, everyone fails, that's part of being human. We are all going to die eventually too. That doesn't mean we should just all give up living right now. If you try and fail at least you've learned something and that experience is what will keep you from making the same mistake in the future.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, people can be surprisingly forgiving, after all we all fail (make mistakes). If you try to be open, and honest, your new friend will most likely be very quick to forgive you of any mistakes you make. And you'll probably find that he makes mistakes too and you'll need to forgive him as well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you have to do is talk about any issues together and then listen to each other. If you both do that when any issues arise your friendship will continue to grow. And even if you make a mistake here you can apologize, try to do it again the right way and you will most likely find every thing works out great.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is totally understandable that you would be afraid&lt;/strong&gt; in this situation that you are in. Choose to be brave and face your fears. Don't let that fear keep you form connecting with other people, and enjoying a full life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly,  You may want to find a professional counsellor who can help you deal with fear and anxiety. I don't know all of your life's situation,  but I do know that professional help has helped me and a lot of people who I love to improve our lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be brave, take some risks, learn a few things, and you'll find that what you feared before is not as scary as you thought it was.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T11:35:51.887" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T11:35:51.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-23T18:19:30.723" Score="18" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I stop this relationship without hurting his feelings ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably you can't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ending a friendship is experienced as a loss, which will probably result in feeling grief, sorrow, maybe anger. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving reasons and explaining maybe might help a little to regulate these emotions, but not make them disappear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that you'd like to return to avoiding as a means to control insecurity. This would come with the price of losing what the friendship is offering. You could of course continue discovering more of that road you have been taking and learn to regulate your worries / emotions with less &quot;drastic&quot; methods compared to ending the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T18:19:30.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-23T19:25:46.840" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was going to comment on Dan Anderson's answer but it would be too long.  A lot of good answers here but I want to focus on one piece of this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I'm now afraid to make mistakes, to be too demanding (I'm not, but since I don't have any experience in friendships, I'd rather choose to avoid contact than contacting that person too much, I don't use his phone number, his messaging accounts, only his email) or to have him cope with teaching me how to behave in social situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I read it, you are afraid to continue because you might fail.  I really feel the need to point out the apparent flaw in your logic.  Consider the following game theory table:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;        | Quit | Continue&#xA;        -----------------&#xA;Fail    |  0   |   -1&#xA;        -----------------&#xA;Succeed |  0   |    1&#xA;        -----------------&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The number in the cell represents the value of the friends you have at the end. The -1 in the upper-right-hand cell represents the pain you would have if you continue and fail and feel a deeper loss than if you just gave up.  So you decide to quit so that you guarantee a more acceptable result even though that eliminates the best result as a possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But perhaps you can turn that upper-right-hand corner into a 0?  Somewhat like Dan's answer, you can write a message (or preferably just say it) explaining your what you say in the quoted section.  If 'Bob' says, sorry, I'm out, then you are basically turned that column into a 0.  You tried, failed but you are no worse off than if you turned him away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But 'Bob' might say, OK, I'm game.  My guess is that 'Bob' already realizes that you have a lot of these issues and this is the most likely result.  Then you continue and just be open an honest about when you are unsure.  Yeah, in the long-run it might work out but most friendships don't last forever anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1982" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T19:25:46.840" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9450" CreationDate="2018-01-23T19:32:29.140" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given that its a public invitation I think you may be beyond the point where you can politely rescind the invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Community management is hard, but one of the things I've found is that rather than banning/blacklisting a person, you should ban/blacklist behaviors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Identify the actions and behaviors that cause extra work, and identify steps to be taken if they occur.  One warning, then being barred from further alcohol consumption or certain activities if they are related to the behavior, then ejected from the event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only will this allow you to avoid having to uninvite someone, but it'll serve you well when others cause similar problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will require additional effort, but as you've probably found events this large do require some additional management of this type, and being fair and even handed will be a shield to possible accusations later on.  Further, having such rules in place will make it a nicer party for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T19:32:29.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9455" CreationDate="2018-01-23T21:10:23.763" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;I must disagree with the answers posed here so far.  I wouldn't try to persuade them with direct arguments at all.  At best, you will come off as cocky (by giving yourself a great self-assessment) or needy.  It also raises the stakes for you.  It puts you in the unfortunate position of having your validity become questionable if you ever &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; make an error in judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I would deflect the concerns, and project a simple sense of stewardship and responsibility: &quot;It was really very flattering of {the community/the admin/whoever} to select me, particularly given how young I am. But it's very motivating, because I want to make sure I'm worthy of their confidence in me. That's why I work so hard at this. I care a lot about this community, and I hope it shows.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts you in a very strong position; you are pointing to the positive judgment of others about your abilities without heaping praise upon yourself, and you aren't claiming to be better than anyone else.  You leave yourself room to apologize and learn from mistakes that you make in the future without casting into doubt your overall value, and the answer itself projects a sense of seriousness and responsibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastEditorUserId="65" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T14:47:52.307" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T14:47:52.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9492" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9473" CreationDate="2018-01-23T21:27:03.250" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you have is a conflict of belief systems - yours, in which all life is equal, and your mother's, apparently in which not all life is equal. Also, it is obvious that your mother does not want ants in the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can start by explaining to her your beliefs.  Keep in mind that if it is her house she has the right to determine what constitutes a pest and what is not a pest.  Therefore, if you want her to not kill ants, it's up to you to demonstrate that  you share the same goal: keeping them out of the house.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest taking it on yourself to ensure that there are no sources of food or water available to ants.  Keep in mind that they don't require a lot, so your kitchen and dining area need to be kept very clean and cooking ingredients need to be kept in sealed containers.  You will need to find and seal up any entrance to the house.  If they decide to set up a colony, it will be up to you to humanely relocate the colony before they do damage to the house.  (in the US, there are some species of ant that can become very destructive if left alone in a house)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'd suggest re-framing your difference of belief.  Your mother is apparently not against ants living and does not appear to be trying to exterminate all ants.  Rather, she is against ants living &lt;strong&gt;in the house&lt;/strong&gt;.  That's something very different.  Again, if you don't want them killed, you will need to demonstrate a commitment to ensuring that they don't come in and if they do come in, ensuring that there is no reason for them to stay. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An important IPS is to note that expecting others to conform to your beliefs without doing anything to make that easier or productive for others is, in my opinion, a high form of hypocrisy.  It's great to have beliefs, but we have to demonstrate our commitment to our beliefs through action that consists of more than telling others to conform.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-01-23T22:07:38.483" LastActivityDate="2018-01-23T22:07:38.483" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9493" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-23T21:34:28.413" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two possibilities: either sit down with him and talk it through, while saying &quot;thanks&quot; and putting no blame on him, like in any usual talk. The other way would be to just let it peter out. Experience shows that adult friendships which are not actively held up start to dwindle rather sooner than later on their own. Everybody has a lot to do, and things happen fast at this age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably go with the second possibility. I assume there is no sexual/love relationship going on, or you would have mentioned it. So I assume that he is just having  a good time with you, as you with him, and will &quot;survive&quot; you not spending so much time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would avoid being dishonest, like pretending that you have no time, pretending that you have found someone else, or whatever else. If he does not seem to give up, then either give him the talk, or come here again with another question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You still can stay friends. Even if you decide to never call/write him again, and decide to ignore most/all of his calls, you can still meet once in a blue moon and still be friends. I would value such a long-term friendship with little contact just fine, as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T09:29:59.123" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T09:29:59.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9450" CreationDate="2018-01-23T21:43:51.620" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the current event, I think the way you tell someone that you don't want them to attend would be quite simply that: you &lt;strong&gt;tell&lt;/strong&gt; them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Barring them from the event physically brings up its own problems if they still show up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the fallout after telling them is going to be an inevitable mess of drama if they decide to make it one, regardless of what &quot;the truth&quot; is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately you will need to decide for yourself what matters most. Dancing around the bush on it is not going to make it easier. If you choose a route like this, a clearly defined set of issues is important in explaining why, and it helps if they're more explicit than just citing a bunch of interpersonal conflicts that starts to sound more like highschool than anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, in a situation where nothing has been discussed, there are no actual rules or codes, and you just don't want that one person present because of things they've done in the past, you would offer them a course of action that would allow them to attend if they can improve their behavior, assuming said behavior has not crossed certain lines of actually harming others (versus &quot;merely&quot; being an inconvenience to organizers?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So how should I/we handle this problem? Of course, we don't want to&#xA;  hurt Alice unnecessarily, but we also want to make very clear that we&#xA;  don't want her at the next event&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I think you're being unrealistic. Alice is going to feel hurt if you single her out to not attend. Things have clearly gone on too far, and either Alice is aware of the issues with attending and won't, or you will be bringing things up to someone who doesn't realize they've been doing anything wrong and will be unlikely to admit that their own behavior is the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's nice that you don't want to hurt Alice, but I feel like stepping around her feelings on this is only going to make things worse. There's no nice way to tell someone you're disinviting them/barring them from attending something with otherwise open attendance, particularly when you're not instead saying &quot;look, we need to discuss some problems which occurred the past few events, and can't have this &lt;em&gt;behavior&lt;/em&gt; occurring again&quot; instead of simply &quot;don't attend.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are ways to try to de-escalate/minimize any conflict inherent in confronting Alice about this (who is present initially, the setting, how the issues are cast), but ultimately if you have no interest in giving Alice a path to attending I think feeling like there is a way to do so that isn't going to result in some degree of definite hurt to Alice's feelings is unrealistic, because ultimately this is likely to feel unfair to Alice and like she is being singled out, which is not altogether untrue either, in how you've described the situation, even if you do have reasons for doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to mitigate the impact of all of this would be to address the &lt;em&gt;behavior&lt;/em&gt; rather than the &lt;em&gt;person&lt;/em&gt; (in which case the best approach is not to be accusing about past events in terms of responsibility, but rather to address it in terms of what &lt;strong&gt;can't&lt;/strong&gt; happen at future events), but if you don't want Alice to attend the current event whatsoever, I'm not sure you have many realistic options other than being direct in simply telling Alice not to attend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Is the problem really Alice, or is the problem the things that Alice does?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once an event grows beyond a circle of friends, whether it's a professional conference or even simply a get-together, it goes past the point where you can actually just rely on people to &quot;generally behave appropriately.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Can you isolate the behavior from Alice that is actually toxic versus merely frustrating?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Frustrating behavior&lt;/strong&gt; can largely be deferred. Suggestion boxes and similar things are an easy way to push someone away. Giving them actual responsibility and then holding them to the tasks given to them can be another, if they can be trusted to do an appropriate job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes someone who is being a busybody or similar actually does care, and they just need to be channeled into applying that caring to something productive rather than something that's creating more work for everyone else. It's also a good way to deflect any related complaints if they turn down the offer of a particular position, because you did try to give them a way to participate in how things are run. It's usually important, if you go this route, that you create a fairly constrained and specific role for them to act within, that gives them oversight but only over a specific element of the event, and where some extra attention would actually be helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Toxic or even abusive behavior&lt;/strong&gt;, particularly when it's something that can be clearly delineated in harming others or their experience at the event, is another problem entirely, and it's something that needs to be consistently addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Consider a Formal Code of Conduct&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is going to be a recurring event, and you've grown past 100 attendees, it's probably a good time to consider instituting a &lt;strong&gt;Code of Conduct&lt;/strong&gt; and a related reporting structure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People frequently mistake Codes of Conduct for being some terrible thing that impugns a community simply by being brought into existence. Instead, the ideal is that a Code of Conduct means that such behavior won't occur to begin with, and can be dealt with fairly in an organized fashion in the worst case event of something happening that does fall under it. It sets forth &lt;strong&gt;what you want to stand for as a community&lt;/strong&gt; and sets an acknowledged standard for the event of expected behavior, with clearly outlined consequences for not behaving appropriately (while everyone likes to believe they are adults, not everyone chooses to act like one—or worse, they choose to abuse that expectation of appropriate behavior in order to prey on others—and the pretense that such openly acknowledged and delineated rules aren't still needed among adults is a false one in groups of strangers, even professional groups). This encourages people to come to events where they might be afraid of how they would be treated, while clearly signaling what will and won't be tolerated to others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally, if Alice can't take the hint, something like a Code of Conduct sets clear guidelines for banning someone from future events who is causing problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply put, if you are organizing a repeat event hosting over a hundred people, I would highly advise looking at frameworks adopted by various conferences of similar sizes. It may seem like a bunch of bureaucracy and busy work, but once you already have events that require an organizing committee it's actually the type of thing that makes things run smoother in the long run, and can even help to stave off pockets of toxicity developing within your community and being allowed to persist far past when they should have been ousted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also provides a clear framework for dealing with problem behavior where the focus can be on the behavior and not on any particular individual engaging in that behavior, which helps deal with related fallout from actually addressing problems. The key here is that you have set a consistent standard, and then applied it consistently, which emphasizes that actions taken are fair and fair warning existed in regards to the consequences enacted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;a href=&quot;http://citizencodeofconduct.org/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Citizen Code of Conduct&lt;/a&gt; and the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.contributor-covenant.org/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Contributor Covenant&lt;/a&gt; are two good places to start when drafting a code of conduct, just off the top of my head. While it might be too late for the current event, it's something to consider having in place for the following ones. Sites which revolve around conference organization and maintaining/building things like open source communities are likely to have more good advice about drafting a strong Code of Conduct than would fit here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11794" LastEditorUserId="11794" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T17:07:30.007" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T17:07:30.007" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9473" CreationDate="2018-01-24T00:29:32.390" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming your mother didn't take your initial request seriously, proactive prevention and leading by example are the only remaining courses of action left for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can stop ants from accessing an opened container full of sweets. It's just a matter of placing that container on a larger plate with water in it. The water acts as a natural barrier against the ants and it doesn't hurt them one bit (note that this advice is for India only, if you live in Southern California during a water shortage, that same water could attract those ants).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is how you ask people not kill insects.&lt;/strong&gt; You ask them not to, and then you lead by example. Leading by example shows how serious you are. The more actual work you put in into backing up your beliefs, the more respect others will have for your beliefs and your wishes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if flying insects are a problem, the next step is to buy and put a larger mesh container on top of both the water plate and the original container. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when the container of sweets is not in active use, the issue is to seal it properly in a plastic container, wash the outer rim, and wipe the outside properly so as not leave residues for the ants to find (placing the dish rag in soapy water afterward). And of course, these are not the only preventative measures you can take against insects, there are others that are just as safe to them, you just need to research them yourself and do the actual work to implement them.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T05:12:15.063" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T05:12:15.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9501" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9473" CreationDate="2018-01-24T00:55:18.347" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in a similar situation with my mom and sister (particularly with spiders and wasps), and had great success (eventually)—but it takes time. Don't expect results overnight. People can change (if they want to), but it might take a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ants would seem to be a more difficult situation—because what are you going to do about them if you mother doesn't do anything? You'll need to find an alternative to killing them. I'm not sure that your mother wants to coexist with them (it's pretty easy to coexist with bold jumping spiders, and to put a single wasp outside here and there). You could try getting an ant farm, and say you need the ants for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, back to my experience. I told my family that the spiders were my friends, and talked about the virtues of spiders. I wouldn't swat flies (people notice that). Convincing them that the creatures aren't harmful (if they're not harmful), and that they don't have ill intent, may help with some people (but it's sometimes pretty difficult to convince people that the bites they've received in the night aren't definitely from spiders, despite the fact that they never saw a spider do it). I would talk to the spiders, wave to them and stuff (spiders do notice when you pay attention to them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have religious reasons not to harm the creatures, that may be helpful, too (especially if you can cite your source). If your family has the same religion, that may also be helpful (but try not to shame your family).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your family members may eventually allow you to remove the creatures from the house, or they may even tolerate them in the house if they're not too distressing). Focusing on calming your family and helping them to realize that the insects aren't harmful may help. If they're distressed by the creatures, they may not listen to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, I just recommend showing your family that you love the creatures. Eventually, they may come around, and leave them alone (or ask you to handle them) out of respect for you. They might not, but yeah. It worked for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Persuasion and longsuffering—that's my recommendation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user271" LastEditorDisplayName="user271" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T01:05:51.763" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T01:05:51.763" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9506" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9649" CreationDate="2018-01-24T03:28:19.393" Score="6" ViewCount="1422" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Update 2/6/2018&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won the election!  What worked for me is described in the Selected answer of this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Conundrum&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, I am in my last semester of undergraduate college in a fraternity in the United States. We are about to have elections for an interim position that will last right up until I graduate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Elections work like this: Candidates are nominated by someone else, or they have to nominate themselves (but need to be confirmed by a &quot;second&quot; from someone else, to do so). Then usually there is a week or so grace period before voting starts.  On the day of voting, another round of nominations is conducted.  The most senior scroll number (determines the order in which the brother was initiated) begins their speech.  There will be a 5-minute time constraint and brothers can only ask a certain number of questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This position serves two roles. The first is managing three people: a Historian, a Photographer, and a Webmaster.  The second is contacting Alumni whenever major events happen.  As a person on my way out, I want to go out with a bang, and in doing so, act as an example that everyone has something to contribute, no matter how close to graduation you are.  However, I have lost the past 8 or 9 elections for various positions in the house. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I have gathered, there was rarely ever a problem with me, but the other guy blows everyone else away. There are only two times I can recall where the loss was definitely my fault.  One was for Chaplain and I screwed up a question about how to deal with someone else having depressions.  Another was for Secretary. I proposed a manual folder for a current online folder.  The rationale of &quot;it won't get lost on the internet if its stored in a physical folder&quot; did not seem to convince them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The gravity of speeches is important.  On the other hand, some people are experienced and qualified to the point that they are a shoe in.  But that is by no means a hard and fast rule.  I have seen people who plan for months and show consistent effort for one position, but lost to a guy that ran the night before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I pitch my platform for the situation described above?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11821" LastEditorUserId="11821" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T15:49:41.327" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T11:07:19.597" Title="How do I pitch a message for a Fraternity Election?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;public-speaking&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9478" CreationDate="2018-01-24T04:35:57.037" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;They are salespeople, and the very nature of sales is to &amp;quot;press to the yes&amp;quot;.  Master salespeople get who you are: they &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grok&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;grok&lt;/a&gt;.  Lesser salespeople &lt;em&gt;imagine&lt;/em&gt; you as the perfect client and stream information at you, thinking if you haven't bought, they haven't told you enough positives yet.  They misinterpret your silence as continued interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;em&gt;conflicts&lt;/em&gt; with your trained courtesy to not interrupt and wait your turn to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must suppress that courtesy and bust into the conversation with what they need to know.  That personality would &lt;em&gt;prefer&lt;/em&gt; you be very direct.  Not mean, just direct.  Get to the point fast, they will thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IPX-wise, it's a matter of changing how you interact to be effective with the type of person you are interacting with right now.  You still deal with others in your normal way (or in another way that is effective on them).  This is one way master salespeople are so good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again the mid-level salespeople will hear anything you say as an &amp;quot;objection&amp;quot; and will reflexively spew more words, on the belief that words will &amp;quot;overcome the objection&amp;quot; I believe is what sales training calls it.  Great salespeople will &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grok&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;grok&lt;/a&gt;.  Sadly, you kinda have to help the salespeople who are not great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a recruiter conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;It's in Region X.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;As my resume says&lt;/em&gt;, I am moving in 30 days after which Region X is infeasible for me. Thanks for cal--&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;It's a 4-week gig.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm sorry for being crusty! You have my undivided attention.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was the work of a master. Also, best job I ever had, and kept for 10 years, damn the commute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; should interrupt like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T04:35:57.037" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-24T04:39:13.673" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your analysis is based on the premise that if you don't interact with him, you won't hurt him.  This is a very dangerous assumption.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please consider this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you bow out now with an explanation, the friendship dies, and &lt;strong&gt;the message you are unintentionally sending him is that you do not value him enough to fight for the friendship&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you cut off contact without an explanation, &lt;strong&gt;you may leave him blaming himself and wondering what he should have done better&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you try your best and make a mistake anyway, he may be understanding and forgive you instead of being hurt.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you try your best and make a mistake which he does not forgive, at least when you look in the mirror you can have self-respect because you gave it your best attempt.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case 4, he may or may not appreciate the effort you made to reach that point, but even if you end on a negative note, the chance that it turns out worse than cases 1 and 2 is small.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can still proceed with ending the friendship, but don't delude yourself into thinking that doing so protects your friend.  That would be a purely selfish action, saving yourself the effort that a friendship requires.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9094" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T04:39:13.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9510" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9478" CreationDate="2018-01-24T09:50:47.260" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure how effective this would be, but I always save my family / friends to contacts so they get a different ringtone. If I get a call from an unknown number, I tend to answer the phone with a different greeting. For example, I may open with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, Company X, John speaking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It usually lets people know before they even open their mouth that I'm already working for Company X. If they continue with their speech about the role and all, politely interrupt and say something along the lines of    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I'm no longer looking for a new position as I've recently taken on a new role within a different company. But thank you for the call - I appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worked for me, and keeps me on a good standing if I happen to go back to that recruitment company in a few years. Then I can save the number and the person I spoke to. If they call again I'll know who it is and take the appropriate action for the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First post here, so I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11190" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T09:50:47.260" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9473" CreationDate="2018-01-24T10:31:07.127" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to focus on telling others how it makes you feel and avoid telling them that it is wrong. If they don't share your point of view on the morality of killing an ant then they won't listen to you. But if they care about you (and your mother almost certainly does!) then they will hopefully want to modify their behaviour to avoid hurting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choose a time/setting that is relaxed and informal to speak to her. Don't wait until after she has just squished a load of ants and you are emotionally charged! When in the right setting you could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need you to understand something that is very important to me. I&#xA;  feel very strongly about preservation of life. I don't even like to&#xA;  see insects killed, it upsets me deeply. I know that you might find&#xA;  that extreme, but I can't help how I feel. I recently felt very upset&#xA;  about the ants that were killed in the kitchen. Please can we find a&#xA;  way to keep the ants out, and if they do find their way inside, or any&#xA;  other insect, please can we remove them humanely?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understanding other people's point of view is important for you, too. Don't take moral high ground. I'm sure your belief that we should try and coexist with all life on earth doesn't extend to germs, and many people see bugs in the home as the same. Arguing about the rights and wrongs wont get you anywhere, so try and seek solutions instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T10:31:07.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9455" CreationDate="2018-01-24T10:34:42.043" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many people have preconceived notions about age versus maturity and it is definitely a challenge to change those. However, if you are put into a position of authority such as what you have described then you have already demonstrated the requisite level of maturity for that position to at least someone in leadership.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my past I had frequently dealt with this issue, although most of the time it was in person instead of online. In the 8086-80386 era as a child I had started my first business repairing computers, at times at the board level (desoldering and replacing RAM chips, etc.). Not many people trusted me but those who did paid me very well for the services, and I wound up being hired as an independent contractor to set up a local college computer lab. At age 17 I started teaching CPR, first aid, and lifeguarding courses as well as working as an emergency medical technician, and at age 18 I started training instructors in CPR, first aid, and lifeguarding. For teaching, I wound up growing as much facial hair as I could in order to appear older than my chronological age. For the most part nobody asked my age when I was teaching or working on the ambulance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in all cases the primary way I had used to convince people that I had the maturity to do what I had been entrusted to do by virtue of my certifications and licenses was my behavior. Again, this was primarily in-person contact, and it is a lot easier to demonstrate maturity in-person compared to purely online interaction, but you have already demonstrated the requisite skills to persons in leadership, so you already have the skills to tackle this problem. There are many ways to address your age with someone who is questioning you about it, but if you are forced to do this you are already in a position of relative weakness as you are likely fighting against their own ideas of what they were like when they were your age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would recommend is if you are asked your age, as others have stated, first inquire of the person questioning you what they believe your age is. When they guess higher than your actual age it puts you in a stronger position in that discussion as they have directly shown that they feel you are more mature than the average person your age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11321" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T10:34:42.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9513" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9550" CreationDate="2018-01-24T11:16:15.673" Score="80" ViewCount="22868" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have had some issues that have convinced me that I will never try and have/raise kids (either my own or those of someone else). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, however, leads to some serious problems when dating/having a relationship with people. I &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; make it a case to mention to people before starting to date them that I don't want children and that I don't want them to hope/expect me to change my mind. I just straight out tell them what I just wrote here. I also explain the underlying issues to them, so it's not like they only know that I don't want kids, they also do know why. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, this means we just part ways as good friends before the dating even starts. But in other cases, people say they're fine with &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; points. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I get happy, thinking I finally found someone I can happily share the rest of my life with. Often though, when dating people, the topic of kids is bound to come up again, (either by seeing a misbehaving kid, attending a birthday party where a well-meaning relative starts to tease)... So far, the record is 6 dates before the date will inevitably say something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, you'll change your mind when you're older, I'm sure.&quot; &lt;em&gt;(to me)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm hoping she'll change her mind on that.&quot; &lt;em&gt;(to someone else)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often follow that up with a talk asking about how serious they were, they'll admit that they are serious and I end up breaking up (telling them I won't take the dating any further) then and there, disappointing both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, now I have both trust issues and the idea that I'm not communicating this right, that I'm missing something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I stress that having children is really non-negotiable and that I don't want people to be misguided about that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; For those that are curious, I'm female, 26 and live in The Netherlands. All potential dates are getting picked out in real-life, not online, which means we've already had a few conversations before dating comes up, and I'm not blurting out that I don't want kids at the beginning of the first date. I meet these people through events, friends of friends or studies. And I'm not aiming for having one-night stands or short flings here. &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T20:02:01.087" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T06:30:53.057" Title="How do I stress that having children is not an option when picking a date?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-24T11:40:38.023" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having various friends who are dating or are married who have no intention of ever having kids I have to say there are two sensible options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell them up front. This gets rid of any worry about it - just make it very plain it isn't a phase that will pass, or that you are waiting till the right time - you just have no children at all in your future plans. This may lead to the relationship stopping there - solved, or it coming up again later at which time you reiterate the point, or possibly your partner being delighted as they don't want kids either.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Wait. Enjoy the time with your partner. You may know they aren't the one, especially if they have mentioned kids, but you may just enoy it as a short term thing. Perfectly possible. But you'll need to ditch them at some point if they don't change.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you may find the partner does or doesn't want kids. Until you have the conversation you don't know what each other wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal take - do it as early as possible. Keeps everything transparent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T11:40:38.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-24T11:49:57.007" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As per your final question, well, basically, you have already answered yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; make it a case to mention to people before starting to date them that I don't want children and that I don't want them to hope/expect me to change my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I can read, you tell it right away, up front, straightforwardly: this is nothing that they can be &quot;misguided&quot; with and, therefore, nothing else needs to be added.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem, here, is not how you communicate it: rather, it's whether they are willing to accept it or not. But, unfortunately, that's not an IPS matter, it's just a matter of beliefs, lifestyles, etc. of all those you've met so far.&#xA;As per that, keep looking. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T11:49:57.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9519" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-24T11:52:12.727" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some reports claim that as many as a third of millennials do not want children. How resolute they are, and whether or not they will change their stance as they get older is anyone's guess. But the point is, you aren't alone in your view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If true, then statistically speaking it shouldn't be difficult to meet like-minded individuals. The thought occurs then that your social circle might lean more towards wanting kids than not? I don't want to advocate a particular method of dating, but perhaps if you aren't finding that a third of the people you meet share your view then perhaps you need to look elsewhere. I have never ever tried a dating app or website, but as these allow you to state preferences like 'don't want kids' perhaps this is the way forward?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise you're just going to have to continue being up front. If you feel that saying &quot;I don't want kids&quot; before you go on a date feels like blurting, perhaps you could instead ask what the other person's goals in life are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;So what are your goals in life?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[allow for answer]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well I've decided I do not want children. I'm absolutely resolute&#xA;  about that and I know it isn't going to change. So, my goal in life&#xA;  is......&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you are making your stance clear without making it the main topic. You are also making a more positive statement - rather than saying what you are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; going to do (have any children) you are stating what you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; going to do with your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T11:52:12.727" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-24T11:57:14.583" Score="45" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Ask what they want from the relationship early on, and trust them.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;On Asking&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Waiting until you feel a connection before talking about the future, especially involving children, can feel like a sensible move. It can feel like bringing up a heavy topic early on will scare the person away, before you've had a chance to get to know them. This sets you up to get hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you should view the start of dating as the best time to get the biggest questions out of the way. Only when you have removed the major red-flags and blockers, is it then worth expending effort in chasing the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After finding enough basic ground on the first date, that you know the person is not a complete waste of your time. Ask them what their long-term relationship goals are/what they are hoping to find; are they looking for something that eventually becomes serious? do they want somebody that pushes their career? and importantly, do they see children as part of their future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have their answers, you can only trust them. If they have been dishonest, this is not your fault - only they can take responsibility for any hurt caused later on. If their views seem compatible, you can continue as normal and always talk in more depth about this specific issue again later. But if their views don't match yours - you've lost nothing and can still have enjoyed a nice evening together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;On Trust&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When somebody tells your upfront that they do not see children as part of their future - you have no choice but to trust them. If you find you cannot trust them with this, it is no different to any other issue and it's likely this relationship will not work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing to remember is that if they lied - you did nothing wrong, and you were not being foolish to not see it coming. If they lied, this is entirely their problem, and they are the one to shoulder the hurt it will cause. You cannot have a relationship where you are second guessing them to try to avoid them hurting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: To clarify, I am suggesting that you do not try to convince them of your position, and instead try to find out what their ideal is in an open way that doesn't suggest either being preferable. After this, determining whether you are compatible is based on whether you think your goals align - &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; whether you think they can accept your situation or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10883" LastEditorDisplayName="user10883" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T13:15:21.897" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T13:15:21.897" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-24T12:37:21.777" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of stating it like an ultimatum:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; have kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How about asking what the other side's expectations are?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you think about kids? Do you expect you'll have one/some after some years?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is yes, you can just tell them it won't work between the two of you. If the answer is no, you can ask for further clarification:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Does that no mean never or just not right now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is never, then you've found yourself a date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is something along the lines of &quot;not right now but maybe in the future?&quot; then that's where you need to make a decision about dating that person or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, you can just tell them what you would have told them at first (that you'll never have kids) then just tell them you would like to date them or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2169" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T12:37:21.777" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9523" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-24T13:24:19.460" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I always make it a case to mention to people before starting to date them that I don't want children and that I don't want them to hope/expect me to change my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really go around waving that flag and stating such things before the first date, I would expect you to be really weird and probably change your opinion soon enough on every issue. This is a really strange thing to announce before the first date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People don't date to have kids... Just have a date. If you like the person, have more dates. Have sex anytime when you are both ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I get happy, thinking I finally found someone I can happily share the rest of my life with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not really how dating works nowadays. These days people usually date, sex and live together for months or even years before any talks about &quot;the rest of my life&quot;, marriage or kids get brought into question. Don't rush the thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[..] and I end up breaking up [..]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is madness. First get to know each other. Then you can discuss these things. You will never agree on everything. You have to negotiate and each of you have to give in on some things to make the relation work. And when you disagree, you may postpone the question until it really has to be decided instead of ditching a person just because he supposes you may change your opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, you'll change your mind when you're older&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your dating partner is giving you the benefit of doubt. You should just reply with the same - maybe you'll be fine without kids yourself? If that relationship eventually turns out serious enough (that's not within first 6 dates or probably not even first 6 months), you can have serious talks about those issues and if you'll both want the relationship to work out, one of you will just agree &quot;ok, let's do it your way, you are worth it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2892" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T13:24:19.460" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9341" CreationDate="2018-01-24T14:56:35.193" Score="-2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Treat her like a child&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is behaving like one, do as parents do. Calmly and neutrally state the infraction and the expectation on a case by case basis and state the consequences of it if she keeps at it. If she takes your keys, state that you expect her to give them back right away. Say &quot;give me the keys&quot; in a normal and calm manner. If she grabs you say &quot;no&quot; and push her away, calmly and neutrally. Tell her you will go home if she keeps at it, and do go home if she does. Reward her with proper attention when she behaves properly. Do not get visibly angry or upset. Exasperated is ok, but not angry, surprised or upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make no mistake, &lt;strong&gt;she is flirting with you&lt;/strong&gt;. She wants your reaction, your attention. She wants to be in control of the situation. Deny it to her. I'd advice against acting on her flirting even if it becomes flattering/interesting - it is unwise to get romantically involved with a person that behaves like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are consistent with this over time, she will stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5494" LastEditorUserId="5494" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T16:02:25.190" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T16:02:25.190" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9525" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9526" CreationDate="2018-01-24T16:09:41.647" Score="4" ViewCount="722" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people will approach me in public places (such as a train station) and ask me to make a donation or to buy an item for charity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually they’re positioned at an entrance, exit or in such a way that trying to discreetly avoid them is impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without coming across as rude or selfish, how can I tell them that I’m not interested?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11854" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T13:28:16.080" Title="How can I tell people that I’m not interested in donating to their charity?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-01-24T17:17:42.360" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9525" CreationDate="2018-01-24T16:15:47.790" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;With a smile.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously  Just smile and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not today thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most places in the US saying the above with a smile should effectively communicate that you are not interested with out coming across as rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have said &quot;no thank you&quot;  just continue with what you were doing before you were interrupted by their request.  By continuing on with what you were doing before you send a strong signal that you will not be persuaded otherwise.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T16:15:47.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9525" CreationDate="2018-01-24T16:58:20.657" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good question. There &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a difference between dealing with charity collectors and other street vendors for two reasons I can see. Firstly, charity collectors are governed by laws* as to how they invite donations, so they ought to be less aggressive in their approach than the typical sales pitch of vendors. Secondly, it somehow feels worse saying no to a charity, especially if it seems a 'good cause'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this financial climate you shouldn't feel obligated to donate to charity, and if you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; afford it, most people have a 'preferred charity' that they donate to rather than spread their cash around thinly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some brief things you could say, &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you feel obliged to say anything at all, are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I already have a charity that I donate to, thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not just now, thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;No thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If saying no to a charity is really bothering you on a conscience level, do some reading about &lt;em&gt;charity transparency&lt;/em&gt;. For the UK try &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.charityclarity.org.uk&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Charity Clarity&lt;/a&gt; or for anywhere else check out &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.givewell.org&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;GiveWell&lt;/a&gt;. I personally don't feel bad turning down charities that have a dozen executives all paid more than the British Prime Minister, and there are several of those on the high street! Also worth educating yourself on this in the event that you get drawn into a debate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But despite all of the above info, if you don't want to give, or cannot give, just walk on by, don't feel guilty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*I am in the UK. For information on the law governing charity fundraising in the UK you can go &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gov.uk/guidance/fundraising-legally-and-responsibly&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T13:28:16.080" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-24T17:38:27.257" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You're asking the wrong question.  Instead of asking how to end the relationship, you ought to ask how to minimize the danger of you messing it up.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you enjoy the relationship, leaving the relationship to avoid possible failure is like committing suicide to avoid the possibility of dying of cancer sometime in the future.  That doesn't make sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fear you feel comes with vulnerability. Relationships require trust and trust requires us to open ourselves up to being hurt.  In your mind, ending the friendship makes sense, because you're not used to having friends so the fear of being hurt and/or rejected eclipses any of the benefits derived from the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would recommend, is being honest with him.  With a smile and a tone of voice that is not overly serious, just tell him.  Say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Look, I really value our friendship.  It's been awhile since I was&#xA;  close to anyone, so I'm worried that I might a bit annoying.  If that&#xA;  happens, feel free to tell me to back off.  I won't be offended.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But to answer your question, &lt;strong&gt;you can't end any meaningful relationship with without hurting the other party.&lt;/strong&gt;  The best you can do is ease out over the course of several months. Gradually reduce contact, and back away from the relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5141" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T17:38:27.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9531" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9537" CreationDate="2018-01-24T17:51:52.103" Score="2" ViewCount="1164" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a colleague who has not been answering an email of mine for two weeks. I know that this person is expecting a baby around now (or maybe slightly before the present date). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to know how they are doing (for work reasons, as well as curiosity), but it strikes me that I would only be able to handle the answer &quot;it went fine&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not a very close coworker of this colleague. So I'm hesitant to ask because if the truth is that they lost the baby, I would prefer not to bother him with questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any ideas how to resolve this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11860" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T00:46:04.420" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T13:20:01.473" Title="How to find out if my colleague has already had their baby and if everything is well?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-01-30T10:14:30.557" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9532" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9531" CreationDate="2018-01-24T17:59:50.793" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a general rule, don't ask about health. If there's bad news, they're likely not happy to think of it again, and if there's good news he wanted to share with you, you'd have likely heard from him by now. I would recommend something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob, hope everything is going well for your family! I think you missed an email I sent you a couple of weeks ago. It's not a high priority but if you get a minute to look at it or know someone else who might be able to answer it that I should send it to, let me know!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This says a few things to Bob:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are aware of his important life event and are showing care/concern&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are not suggesting that your work question should take precedence&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That he missed a responsibility when work should have been a higher priority&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T17:59:50.793" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9533" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9542" CreationDate="2018-01-24T18:06:28.663" Score="18" ViewCount="9122" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a 25-year-old male and I have two best friends. I have known them almost my entire life and they are like brothers to me. We also hang out with other friends from school/college every now and then. The weekend plans and holiday trips have not been an issue, until recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my best friends (let us call him Tom) has been dating this girl (let us call her Summer) for almost a year now. They are very much in love and planning to get engaged soon. She is a nice person most of the times and when we all hang out, we feel comfortable and I can tell that she enjoys hanging out with us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My other best friend and I understand that Tom and Summer need their space and we do not interfere with their time and plans. The problem is when we make plans with Summer, she keeps changing the time or place. This usually costs us more time on travel or leads to canceling the plan itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little background about Summer - she lives in the city now, but she is originally from a small town which is a 5 hour drive from the city. Her family is one of the affluent ones in her town and she grew up spoiled with lot of authority and money. Her family listens to what she says and gives her want she wants. So, being authoritative comes naturally to her. I know all this from Tom and Summer's younger brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last week was Summer's birthday and she was supposed to be spending it with her family in her hometown. Tom, my other friend and me planned 4 weeks ago to go to Summer's hometown and celebrate her birthday. This was supposed to be our road trip after a long time. Summer was aware of all this plan and she even offered her farm house for our stay. All of a sudden, just a day before our trip, Summer came to the city and she celebrated her birthday here. We canceled the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that she was so cool and casual about all the change in plans drove me mad at that time. This was one big case, however, she has done similar things in the past. For example, we all would have planned to meet near a beach and just when we reach the place, she would call Tom and ask us to come to a mall which would be like 10 kilometers from the beach. She might tell that a local band is playing in the mall and we should come. If we complain, she casually says that it is just a 10 kilometer drive. What she does not understand is, it takes about 30 minutes to drive in the traffic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I value my time and respect other's time very much and this behavior of hers is irritating sometimes. My other best friend is going through a difficult breakup and we get the chance to cheer him up only when we meet. He gets mad when Summer does these things and gets into a fight with Tom. I hate that they fight for things which we are not responsible for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tom is well aware of how we feel, he even spoke to Summer about this and she doesn't seem to understand the importance of our time. I doubt if Tom is afraid to talk to her about this again. I have never confronted her about this. This is because, I see Tom real happy with Summer and do not want to cause any problem. I am not sure how she would take it if I am going to confront.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not want our relationships to be affected by such things.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Since she is the one causing all this, I would like to make her realize that we could all be happier if she could change her ways.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would not want to sound rude or as if I am trying to sabotage her relationship with Tom.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would like us to hang out and go on trips without this confrontation affecting it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I let her know that she should change her behaviour and stop changing plans often?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would prefer communicating this with Summer directly as Tom is already aware of how I feel. If talking to Summer does not make major changes, I would take a strong stand and not comply with the last minute changes. But right now, I want to give Summer a heads-up first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9265" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T05:50:52.820" Title="How do I ask someone to stop changing your plans?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9534" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-24T18:21:19.200" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having read many of these responses, including &quot;not short flings&quot; and &quot;date 7 when sex comes up&quot;, and my suggestion would be a bit of a reversal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of telling people what you don't want, wait a few dates, to see if the relationship means anything at all. I don't know your personality or culture, but from American culture relationships typically progress to kissing at least one date before progressing to intercourse, so perhaps wait to see if that feels compatible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then talk about what you DO want: A mate that will never want to have children, is fine growing old without them. Be honest but vague (as you were with us); just that, although you are capable of pregnancy, various issues make you fearful of the outcome and you never will get pregnant (and perhaps will terminate if that happens by accident) and you will not adopt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you are looking for a mate of like mind. Now that you know after a few dates the relationship between you could go further, you want to clarify some issues before you get your hopes up, and before the relationship becomes a more serious affair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Warn them, kindly, that if they swear they do not want kids, then later change their mind, that ends the relationship, married or not: Because in your mind and about something this important to you, lying now would be a transgression you cannot forgive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Added by request of comment: Why this approach is a good idea.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(I will note that I gave my own daughter all of this same advice at 17.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Why wait a few dates? One is psychological (for your date). Think of the date as analogous to a mutual sales process, even though what you intend to exchange is not cash, you are exploring the value of a trade of mutual affection. (And this is just an analogy, I am not suggesting either side is prostituting themselves!) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In sales, we are taught to invest &lt;strong&gt;time&lt;/strong&gt; with a prospect before we start springing the prices and contracts upon them. If you do that too early, they balk, because (a) they have invested very little time or attention so far and have little to lose, (b) they know almost nothing about the product other than what it looks like, so they have no &quot;features&quot; in mind that they covet, and (c) in their mind, knowing nothing, outside of appearance the product is nothing special and perfectly average, and there are likely other products with appearance that appeals to them too: Thus if the price is rather high or the contract has unexpected demands, those extra costs appear onerous and they say &quot;thanks, but no thanks, I'm still looking.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is basic human psychology you should recognize from being sold anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Applied to romance (for either men or women), a contract requirement of &quot;no children ever&quot; is a higher price for a suitor to pay. But there is a segment of the suitor population for whom this extra price in the relationship would be tolerable, because their goal is not to find a womb for their children, but to end their loneliness and a shallow existence, to find mutual love and companionship, have a regular sex life that isn't a series of couplings with virtual strangers, and feel secure in a life partnership that won't stumble and fall or suffer alone when misfortunes strike. Be they financial, health, or the loss of friends or family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you have a better chance of finding a suitor that will PAY this price AFTER they have been exposed to the unique features of what they gain: Your personality, humor, politics, the movies or TV shows you like, the books you like, the sports you like to watch or participate in, and what your quirks are: Are you messy? Neat? Meticulous? Do you live on a tight schedule or not? Are you aggressive in asserting what you want, or avoid confrontation? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that there are no right answers to any of that, different suitors may like different sides of the same coin in every instance, or be at different points on the scale. &lt;strong&gt;Further,&lt;/strong&gt; you are evaluating their &quot;product&quot; (their personality) on all the same criteria.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say wait until the first kiss because by then, you should know whether this is a guy you want, and whether you are a girl he wants as more than a sexual conquest. In other words, don't try the kiss if you aren't already happy spending time with him. I should add in particular, spending time on free or very low expense excursions: Cooking together, watching television together, playing games of some sort. Because men will spend five times more than they can continue to afford wooing a women, so if what you enjoy is meals in a restaurant that cost half a week's pay, that doesn't count. Expensive dates will not continue indefinitely and likely won't last half a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your exploration is for the long haul. So if (like my spouse and I) you both enjoy local amateur stage plays for beginning actors, and the tickets are less than an hour's wages, that is fine. If you both enjoy watching murder mysteries on television, fine. If what melted your heart was the vacation that cost him a month's pay, put it aside and concentrate on things that will plausibly be a regular part of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I told my own daughter all of this: If you date with the intent of revealing the real you and discovering the real him, then before the first kiss you should have rejected him (for any reason you discover along the way, whether it relates to kids, drugs, alcohol or bigotry), or accepted him for his personality and know he is interested in you for your personality. Your kissing and any other pre-intercourse physical interactions are, besides having fun, also a discovery and time to talk about more intimate details of sexual compatibility, likes and dislikes, and sexual history. (As I advised my daughter, one does not have to be naked to bring this topic up, and if you cannot bring yourself to do it, it is probably too early in your relationship to be physically engaged at all.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For you, if both non-sexual and sexual compatibility seem likely, this is also the time to bring up the intimate detail of not having children, before intercourse begins. Perhaps not &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;while&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you are kissing, but in a frank conversation in a different and perhaps more neutral and less emotionally charged setting. He knows enough about you to decide if the price of &quot;no kids&quot; matters to him or is something he is willing to sacrifice. You know enough about him to probably predict his answer, even before the first kiss, and know if you want him as a partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this is made &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; by the fact that you do not want short flings and you require several dates (7) before &quot;sex comes up.&quot; I agree with that more guarded approach. My suggestion is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;use&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; that time for a more planned approach to discovering what you need to know. I firmly believe the reason we can reason is to better our long term emotional lives, and you should have no qualms in being analytic and thorough in discovering whether a guy is a short term infatuation or a life partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Why tell him what you want: What YOU want in a mate is not really arguable by him, and psychologically doesn't sound like a demand for sacrifice or an ultimatum to comply. It sounds like a quality he either has or does not. It is less offensive. In sales, saying &quot;We can only entertain offers from owners of established businesses&quot;, it sounds less rude and haughty than saying &quot;Establish your business and get back to us.&quot; Yes, they are basically equivalent statements. But how you phrase it can soften it while still delivering the same information. In a way, this is a form of &quot;It's not your fault, it's mine.&quot; (Without calling it a 'fault'.) It is truly a part of &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; personality that your suitor needs to know, a quality you require before you leave the border of &quot;friends&quot; and enter the land of &quot;lovers&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Why &lt;strong&gt;warn&lt;/strong&gt; them. This is to raise the stakes and be honest with them and not waste their time. You don't want to hurt them, and you don't want them to hurt you. Intercourse is far more intimate (for most) than kissing or other pre-intercourse sexual activity, there is a reason most of us consider it the consummation of a romantic relationship, or most of us have some ordered list of increasing weight of physical engagement before any form of actual intercourse. Thus breaking a relationship after intercourse is far more hurtful than breaking a relationship before it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The warning, preferably while NOT in the heat of passion and without intercourse imminent within the hour, is to give them pause, and carefully and rationally consider whether they should be honest with their friend (you) or lie to your face to get laid. Based on your earlier dates and compatibility, I hope you have already discovered and believe their latter option (lying) is highly unlikely, so you will get the truth, and recognize it, instead of a deception. Getting the truth at this point is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;far more likely&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; if you are fond friends than if you are strangers. The stakes matter, you feel like they care about your feelings, you feel like they value you for more than just your appearance or sexual attributes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those are the benefits of this approach. My last piece of advice would be to sustain an element of doubt in your mind, as long as there remain unanswered questions. There is nothing wrong with feeling infatuated or excited or even lustful, but always remember you are in a discovery in progress. Don't fall in love until you feel sure you will not fall alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="4898" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T14:28:03.090" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T14:28:03.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9531" CreationDate="2018-01-24T18:41:59.570" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is not appropriate to ask (especially in an email) how the birth went. As you pointed out, you may not want to know the answer. To continue to be sensitive, you have three appropriate options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Seek information from other co-workers. Do you have an administrator or someone who might have information on your colleague's status? If so, avoid asking about the specific status of the colleague's family, because that's private. But you can ask whether he can be expected to reply to emails.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Wait. If the email you sent does not require an immediate response, or if you can find someone else to help you, do that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Send an email to your colleague that indicates you are aware of his general situation, sympathetic to whatever he may be going through, and willing to accept whatever help he is able to give (as in Forklift's answer). Even the most favorable outcome of a healthy birth leaves your colleague with a newborn to adjust to. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the record, the death of a fetus before 20 weeks gestational age is miscarriage; if your colleague's partner is near their due date, the correct term is stillbirth. But keep in mind that the window of term birth is plus-or-minus two weeks, so it's possible the baby hasn't come yet, even if the due date has passed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11858" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T18:41:59.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9538" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-01-24T18:44:02.927" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't make her understand that this isn't fair. You can't make anyone do or think anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is express how their actions affect you. An effective way of doing this that doesn't put the blame on the other person is to use &lt;em&gt;I statements&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;em&gt;I statements&lt;/em&gt; are statements normally of the form &quot;I feel &lt;em&gt;x&lt;/em&gt; when you do &lt;em&gt;y&lt;/em&gt;.&quot; Remember you're not asking them to change their behavior you're wanting to express how you feel in response to their actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also a good idea to talk to your friend and let them know in a similar fashion how you feel about the constantly changing plans. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately this is really out of your control and if it's becoming a problem perhaps it's time to develop a broader circle of friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T18:44:02.927" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9539" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-01-24T18:44:16.857" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The solution, from my perspective, is short and clear. Moreover it is based on the things you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; control, rather than growing increasingly dependent on the things which you cannot control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;STEP 1:&lt;/strong&gt; Sit Tommer (Tom + Summer together as &amp;quot;Tommer&amp;quot;) and explain how happy you are for their strong relational growth together. Also explain that, in the recent past, making plans &lt;strong&gt;and keeping to them&lt;/strong&gt; has become difficult and emotionally uncomfortable for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;STEP 2:&lt;/strong&gt; Explain that what is most important for you is that everyone's relationship together to not get further strained. Be sure to emphasize that this is genuinely the objective in why you are spending time talking about this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;STEP 3:&lt;/strong&gt; Lay out how you will be changing your trip planning in order to accomplish that goal. -- This is important because ultimately you will need to make changes you feel comfortable with going forward.  &lt;strong&gt;Decide in advance how 'loosely coupled' your plans can be with theirs, how much schedule flexibility you are willing to work within, how plan changes would be dealt with ideally, and what less-than-ideal circumstances you personally are unwilling to continue participating in.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;STEP 4:&lt;/strong&gt; Ask them to consider how they would like to plan for shared travel in the future.  Be sure to listen to what their wants are and consider how these match up with yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;LAST STEP&lt;/strong&gt;: Practice what you have talked about on small, low-risk events first -- like pizza and a movie out with friends -- and work up to that month-long trip out-of-country as a gang.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting it all together doesn't have to be long-winded or oratory, here's a brief example to drive this home:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They guys, thanks for coming and grabbing coffee with me, because I wanted to run something by you.  I'm smiling from ear-to-ear when I see how happy you two make each other, and it's great being friends with you both.  When we make travel plans, I get frustrated and upset when those plans suddenly change...which is really difficult on our friendship from my perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to make sure our friendship stays strong, so don't be concerned&#xA;if I book my own hotel, rent my own car, or make my own reservations next time.  That way, even&#xA;if &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; plans suddenly change, I can keep my travel schedule unchanged&#xA;-- it'll will be way less stressful on our friendship because I just can't keep up with your last minute changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really do want to consider what is in everyone's best interest, so what else can we all do to make shared travel planning the most fun and least stressful?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, those sound like  good things to include next time we plan something. And speaking of next time, there is this food truck event at that roadside bar happening in two weeks, have you already made plans for the 18th? or can we commit to heading out there on that Saturday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11850" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T18:44:16.857" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9540" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-24T18:48:07.007" Score="30" ViewCount="6329" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have three coworkers that I work with directly (one being the manager of our &quot;pod&quot;). As a team we generally work on weekly goals with a meeting at the end of the week to go over accomplishments and missed targets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The boss of our pod, Samuel then encourages a celebratory &quot;hug&quot; circle for each accomplishment, in which each person hugs the person to their left. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes me uncomfortable for multiple reasons. For one I don't think its appropriate in the workplace, and secondarily and perhaps more seriously, my coworker Johnathan always seems to conspicuously place himself to my left so I have to hug him, even once asking a coworker to switch with him so he could be closer to a whiteboard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By all other accounts, they are great coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work at a relatively small organization and can't afford to be fired, what would be the best way for me to address this situation, while still being able to work together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10905" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-03-14T19:27:08.680" LastActivityDate="2019-03-14T19:27:08.680" Title="How to communicate to coworkers that I am not comfortable with celebratory hugs" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;physical-contact&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9541" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9540" CreationDate="2018-01-24T18:51:59.750" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't need to explain it. Explanation about boundaries can backfire and lead to people trying to maneuver around them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something simple clear and definitive like &quot;I don't do hugs&quot; and offer  a celebratory gesture you are comfortable with, high fives being an obvious choice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this has been ongoing you're going to need to find a way roll things back. The more unilateral a decision it is the clearer the signal that you aren't doing hugs anymore will be. Something like &quot;I'm not doing that anymore.&quot; or &quot;I've tried it a couple times and hug circles aren't for me.&quot;. This should be followed up by suggesting a celebratory gesture that you're comfortable performing, like a snazzy fist pound. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continue to press the issue, after you have clearly expressed that you don't do hugs, start talking to the HR department.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T19:29:18.770" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T19:29:18.770" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-01-24T18:55:51.323" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're in a tough spot. Unfortunately, a lot of people have tendencies to agree to things with disregard to what they involve and what they mean to other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your plans are very tied with this girl being there (and Tom). Meaning, your enjoyment or otherwise benefits would be diminished by them not being there. This is what Summer does not understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly the plans you make are what you all agree to. Deviations from these plans change the circumstance. So when Summer decides to change them, she does not seem to understand that these new plans may not be agreeable to everyone. For example, she thinks that going to the mall from the beach is just as agreeable to you as just hanging out at the beach, which is obviously not the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not something you're going to be able to fully control, so I'm going to offer advice in two parts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For when you happen to be in a similar situation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How to prevent these situations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;When Summer Changed Plans Forcibly&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you've shown, there are times when Summer changes the plans from under you. Not going to the beach is a good example. This is a weird situation, because it's not like Summer is with you guys to make a suggestion in your plans. She's actually failed to commit to your plans at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these situations your first option is to find a compromise in which you all can agree to, but also making her aware of why you don't want to just obey her suggestion. Here's an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Summer, going to the mall is a bit inconvenient for us since we've already arrived at the beach. I would prefer to still meet up at the beach, and then maybe we can talk about what to do afterwards. What does everyone else prefer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find common ground here. If you can't find a solution that is good for everyone, you (and your friends) have two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let Tom and Summer do whatever they want. The rest of you, stick to your plans.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do what Summer wants.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1:&lt;/strong&gt; This option is going to hurt. It's going to make things weird. It's probably going to ruin your time and everyone else's. &lt;strong&gt;But,&lt;/strong&gt; it might force Summer to see the consequences. If you can, convince Tom to stick with you guys instead of his girlfriend. &lt;strong&gt;WARNING: This will affect their relationship.&lt;/strong&gt; Ensure that if Tom tells his girlfriend no, he does it in a very honest, polite, and nice way. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Summer, the guys and I are already met up at the beach and we're not&#xA;  going to go to the mall. If you want, we can go later once I'm done&#xA;  hanging out with everyone. I hope you still want to come with us and&#xA;  hang out, but it's fine if you don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a quick example. Depending on their personalities, this could be very different. And if their relationship isn't solid, you might want to avoid this step altogether and let them deal with it without your intervention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2:&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah, just do what Summer wants. If the change in plans is a better alternative to ruining it for everyone, just do it. It might not be ideal, and you'll want to do something about it eventually, which brings me to the second part of my advice.....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to Prevent These Situations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to not be affected by Summer's changes in plans is to strip her of the leverage she has over you. Unfortunately, the leverage she has on you mostly comes from Tom. So that means you'll need to also strip him of his leverage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason they have leverage is because your plans depend on them being there. Without them there, your experience is diminished. They are using that leverage to control you and your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here are some tips when making plans:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you or a friend are making plans, pretend Tom and Summer won't be there. Consider them a tag-along. Invite them to the event, don't let them be apart of the planning.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If Summer makes plans, you can accept, but don't rearrange your calendar. Have backup plans. Try not to inconvenience yourself. Also, don't build off of her. Meaning, don't turn her birthday into a roadtrip for the guys. Save your plans for later so they are independent of her plans.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't make her or Tom understand the stakes, you need to distance yourself from them or accept that they decide what to do. This situation may simply be out of your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Edit:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer the OP's edited question.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;How do I let her know that she should change her behaviour and stop changing plans often?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This task isn't going to be easy. Talking to people about their behavior is very difficult unless they trust in you very much. I doubt you're going to get good results here. She will most likely get &lt;strong&gt;very defensive&lt;/strong&gt;. While in such a state of mind, nothing you say will convince her of anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's how you &lt;strong&gt;might&lt;/strong&gt; be able to avoid that. Don't &quot;sit her down&quot;. Don't treat her like a child. Don't go into this with demands or criticism. Don't go in angry or annoyed. If you are, pretend like you're not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Summer, could we talk about [last event in which she changed plans]? It may not have seemed like it at the time, but I and some of the guys were inconvenienced due to [what she did]. It really wasn't that big of a deal, but in the future, could you give us more of a heads-up? I think if we would have talked about it earlier, it wouldn't have been a problem at all. The guys and I aren't always going to be able to change our plans like that in the future, and I don't want you think it's because we don't want to hang out with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to sprinkle these points into a conversation, though, and not make it lecture. If you want to be more assertive, that's an option (though a risky one). I know this will sound weird, but you if you bring up the past problems, act like they were not a big deal. If you start getting angry over the past, you won't get anywhere with her, and it will seriously put anyone on the defensive. If you want to avoid lying, then just avoid bringing up the past altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like I said, talking to someone directly about their behavior is a mine field. It's not going to be easy and there's no way I can possibly give you every possible scenario in this answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer:&lt;/strong&gt; Doing what I said above is a little disingenuous because it involves feigning feelings so that she believes your on her side (borderline manipulative). If you want to avoid that, you will have to lighten up about her actions and genuinely forgive her so that you can have a real productive discussion. Otherwise, your only option is to make her aware of your feelings and opinions, and &lt;strong&gt;hope&lt;/strong&gt; she decides to change her behavior (unlikely, assuming her personality matches your description). If you go that route, just try to be as polite as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="2002" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T18:23:17.883" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T18:23:17.883" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9543" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9450" CreationDate="2018-01-24T18:56:41.117" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;General advice that you probably already follow&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Set expectations&lt;/strong&gt; and rules before events. It might be a written list of rules that detail variants of &quot;behave yourself during the event&quot;, or an obligatory gathering at the start of the event where the rules are laid out (which I suspect you already have in place in some way). If it is clear in advance what is not acceptable behaviour then you have legitimized future actions to exclude/ban/block/send home attendees that misbehave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Regarding the situation at hand&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends on how severe past issues have been. I interpret the situation as such that someone needs to do something regarding Alice otherwise you risk losing people organising (or other low-drama attendees). Before talking with Alice make sure you have a clear explanation of what cause you to block her referring to incident(s) involving her. If you are communicating in written form, take screenshots in case she later want to cause drama regarding what was said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt; she has done something unforgivable then refer to that incident and that you want other attendees to feel safe and to have fun. Whatever her reaction is; stay calm and don't negotiate. You are only doing this cause you already decided that her behaviour is unforgivable. &#xA;I am not to say what is unforgivable at this kind of event, but from your wording, I guess this is not quite the situation? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt; what happened in the past is forgivable drama and annoying behaviour, then explain to her why she is blocked from this particular event. But since you already decided that her behaviour is forgivable, you can make the block temporary. How you continue this really depends on the people involved, but if you say that the block is temporary then you must mean it and any conditions stated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3624" LastEditorUserId="3624" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T19:06:45.350" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T19:06:45.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-01-24T19:09:16.427" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You changed the question to talk directly to Summer. I don't think it is your place to talk directly to Summer. This is something for Tom to manage. Talking to her directly is interfering with their relationship. If Tom chooses to not talk to her (and risk his relationship with you) that is his business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to your other friend about just not changing plans next time.  If he does not agree to hold with not changing plans then this does not work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you make plans be clear on if Summer is fine with the plans. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example when she changes the plans to the mall just relay via Tom &quot;No we are staying at the beach. Those are the plans we all agreed to&quot;. It puts Tom in a hard spot but you confronting Summer is also a hard spot. Warn Tom in advance you are not going to go along with last minute changes. Let him manage that with Summer as he chooses. I don't see confronting her directly going well. She is not likely to change for you. She might change for Tom. She probably runs all over Tom too so this may be his chance to put his foot down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T17:42:09.800" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T17:42:09.800" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9455" CreationDate="2018-01-24T19:19:04.157" Score="7" Body="&lt;h1&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is a losing battle, and it's not worth your time to fight.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The people who are giving you a hard time for being 15 already have their minds made up about what 15 year-olds are like and what they can handle.  Their preconceptions may be generally right with you being an outlier, or they could be wildly inaccurate.  In any case, you're not going to change their long-held beliefs no matter how eloquent you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not your fault in any way; it's just how it works, especially on the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So what do you do instead?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're on the right track with this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I convince them that my exact age isn't what matters, but the level of maturity that I display?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already demonstrated your maturity to them - they assume you're older than you are.  You're right that your age doesn't matter, so don't let it even come up.  You have several options when the subject of your age comes up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Do not engage&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;If someone asks old you are, ignore the question.  Act as though it was not asked.  If you're in a thread with multiple people, respond to someone else.  If the age-asker said multiple things, respond to the other parts of their message.  By not acknowledging the question, you take a lot of their power away.  If they keep harping on it, they begin to look like the immature one who is fixated on some irrelevant factor about you.  The conversation stops being them telling you to prove yourself, and starts becoming them begging you to let them in on your personal life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is your best option, but it's the hardest.  As a moderator, you know better than most that people on the internet can get under your skin, and they'll go out of their way to get a rise out of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Deflect&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Have you ever seen someone ask a politician a difficult question?  The politician will respond, but you might notice that they answer a different question than what was asked.  If you don't like a question, answer a different one.  It's important that your response is still on-topic, though.  Changing the topic would make it look like you're on the defensive, which suggests you have something to hide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To borrow your example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &lt;em&gt;mentions something about doing something IRL&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Other person: Wait, how old are you? Isn't that like for kids?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Me: Ah well, we all have our guilty pleasures from our childhood don't we?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully they give up on their age question.  If not, you'll have to move to another option, since deflecting too often makes you look defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Dismiss&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;If you absolutely have to respond to a question about your age, acknowledge the question and indicate that it's not a question you're open to discuss.  Here are some possible phrases:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not relevant.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;The administrators vetted me before I became a mod. Here is how you can contact them if you have concerns.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I don't disclose identifying information online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trouble here is that it gives them an opportunity to press further.  Be careful not to phrase your dismissal as a question (&amp;quot;How is my age relevant?&amp;quot;), as that invites further questions.  If your dismissal doesn't work, follow with more dismissal (&amp;quot;I've already responded to that question.&amp;quot;) or Do Not Engage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Conclusion&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal is to never legitimize this discussion.  They asked something off-topic, but inoffensive so ignore it if possible.  Never provide evidence to justify your position.  Never give them a number to work with.  Provide contact information for a person to escalate to if they have a legitimate issue.  Give your supervisor a heads up that this is happening, and that you'd prefer not to disclose your age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="360" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T23:31:21.177" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9540" CreationDate="2018-01-24T19:42:19.120" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should talk to Samuel and calmly explain how you feel about this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Samuel, I need to talk to you about the hug circles at our weekly meetings. I appreciate the celebration of our accomplishments, but I am uncomfortable with hugs. I would much rather give high fives or handshakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is open and honest communication. You don't have to explain all of the reasons why you feel the way you do about hugs, but it's important to let your boss know how you feel. When something makes me uncomfortable at work, it's been my experience that talking about it rationally with my coworkers has been beneficial and appreciated. For example, I have a few coworkers who like to hug as a greeting. This makes me uncomfortable. When I took the time to simply let them know that I was uncomfortable with hugs, they were more than happy to find another way to greet me that was more comfortable for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T19:42:19.120" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-24T20:39:11.207" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Breaking up right when such comments get made is not the right answer.  Rather, such a time is a time to (re-)discuss how serious you are in your resolution and explain that you don't see that changing ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people (perhaps even most) do change their minds about having kids when they get older (not saying you will).  Because of this, many (perhaps even most) people have an expectation that someone who says no to children now will eventually change their minds of their own accord.  Thus, despite your vehement resolution, many people will still think you will likely change your mind one day.  There is likely nothing you can say in your initial conversation on this subject that will change this, since many have had similar resolutions as you but still ended up having children (again, not saying you will).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, when comments are made by the other party regarding you changing your mind in the future, you should realize this is a common thought many people have as I described above.  Instead of breaking up, you should reiterate your firm resolution on this matter and explain that if the current relationship is based at all upon an expectation that you will one day change your mind, then the other party will be sorely disappointed.  They may still not believe you (again, because so many people have changed their minds, not saying you will), so you should ask if it were a certainty that you will never change your mind, if they feel the relationship can continue.  If they say no, then you can consider breaking up, but if they say yes then I think breaking up shouldn't be the next step.  Instead, chalk up their comments to a misunderstanding/mistake on their part and move forward together with your new-found mutual understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3239" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T20:39:11.207" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-24T21:04:15.050" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner has made it clear that she never wants to have children (I do) and I didn't know until about 12-18 months into the relationship how strongly she felt about this. However this didn't cause us to break up...I accepted it, and now we are married. Despite that, I &lt;strong&gt;still&lt;/strong&gt; often say to people &quot;I'm hoping she'll change her mind on that&quot; or something similar. This is just because I still want something that she doesn't, so it's human nature to wish that would change, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I say something like that, I don't add under my breath &quot;...and if she doesn't change her mind soon I'm going to leave her&quot; or &quot;...and if she doesn't change her mind I'll love her less&quot;. It's just what it says - a &quot;hope&quot;, nothing more than that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships are about compromise, but there's certain things that a person isn't prepared to compromise on, and I think that's fine as long as they are stated up front and accepted. All that means is that in that area, the other person (the one who doesn't hold a strong view on the subject) has to be the one to compromise. If one thinks that relationships are all about both people getting what they want all the time, one will be disappointed. Sometimes one person gets their way and sometimes the other one does. In this case, it would be you getting your way and that doesn't automatically change the fact that your partner wants something different - but they have to make a choice that they are committed enough to your relationship as to give up their &quot;dream&quot; (although not their desire) to have children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We even joke about it nowadays. We'll be discussing some future plan and I'll introduce the idea of our child into the story we are imagining (trying to get a reaction)...she'll usually respond by saying that this scenario is now &quot;totally banned&quot; and we'll both laugh about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not suggesting that you should wait a long time to express your feelings as my partner did. I'm just saying that if someone says &quot;I'm hoping she'll change her mind on that&quot;, it doesn't automatically spell doom for the relationship... And it's not necessarily reason to think that they weren't genuine in the first place when they said they accepted your views.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9283" LastEditorUserId="9283" LastEditDate="2018-01-24T21:10:11.453" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T21:10:11.453" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9540" CreationDate="2018-01-24T21:10:10.917" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Supervisors pushing people into physical displays of affection?  What a horrible, horrible idea.  Especially with a guy angling to hug you every week.  You need to tell your supervisor to knock it off; that you are not a hugger, and that this makes you intensely uncomfortable.  He's basically giving this guy a chance to harass you every week.  Maybe ask if your co-workers will back you up...even if they don't personally mind the hugs, they should want to make an atmosphere where everyone is comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't work, you have to go to HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-01-24T21:10:10.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9478" CreationDate="2018-01-24T21:51:53.257" Score="3" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't need to answer, certainly not during work hours (pay for a caller-ID / area-code service to screen out known recruiters), &lt;strong&gt;you don't need to be polite&lt;/strong&gt;, and you can and should &lt;strong&gt;say &quot;Stop calling me and delete my number&quot; and hang up immediately&lt;/strong&gt;. (And if they call again, don't answer, and email telling them to stop or you'll report them for junk calls).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Change your phone number.&lt;/strong&gt; This really isn't a question about interpersonal skills, there's no magic skill to undo having given it out blindly, and let it be indexed by Google/Facebook, forever. Once your number is out there in public, you can't prevent hordes of annoying salespeople (that is exactly what they are) cold-calling you without your consent, at any time. Ten years in the future, trust me, the bad recruiters will still be cold-calling you, based on a stale resume; they have nothing to lose. It won't fix itself and it won't get better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In future &lt;strong&gt;only give the new number to trustworthy people&lt;/strong&gt;. Better still, in future &lt;strong&gt;use an app like Sideline to temporarily create a work number&lt;/strong&gt;. Use that number to filter out the 98% of recruiters you don't want to deal with. &lt;strong&gt;Never give your personal cell number to unknown recruiters upfront&lt;/strong&gt;. Give an email (e.g. on LinkedIn). You could even have three numbers: work-known, work-unknown, and personal. Guard your personal number with your life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Learn to recognize spammer-type recruiters (they don't care to understand your resume or what you're looking for, they'll try to push any vacancy on any candidate, without regard to whether they're doing the end-client a disservice). Recruiters who cold-call a person without email introduction or asking their prior consent, let alone agreeing a suitable day and time, are typically the bottom-feeders (think about how inefficient and suboptimal that behavior is), and you can safely ignore them all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Learn how to network towards jobs and referrals, cultivate a network, and avoid needing to use recruiters, at least contingent recruiters.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Record a short voicemail greeting &lt;em&gt;&quot;Please only leave a message if you know me. If you're cold-calling, delete my number and do not call again.&lt;/strong&gt; Thanks, Jess&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As to the legitimate blocked or unknown calls you receive (which is really the only two remaining reasons you have for answering unknown/blocked calls at work, and as soon as you change your number you will have zero reason to):&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Teach your mom how to unblock her number before she calls you. Edit your name in her phonebook to &quot;Jess (dial *82 first)&quot; or whatever. Edit that unblock code into her speed-dial listing for you. Post it on her wall.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your friend in rehab who calls from random numbers, at least figure out which area codes they do/don't use, and have them figure out which days and times they &lt;em&gt;won't&lt;/em&gt; be calling. Then you can safely not pick up and send to voicemail all calls in those hours.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Train people that know you that they'll get a faster response to texts/emails. Deliberately don't respond to voice messages. Email/text them back. Politely hang up on them and insist they email/text/call back at a more convenient time. Stop rewarding bad behavior. That's assertiveness.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're in the US or other country with a do-not-call registry, then use it. But it will still be ignored by the spammers, VoIP callers, low-grade agencies calling from other countries, freelancers, stolen resume list users. So legit agencies won't call you, but bad ones still will.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I repeat that there is no magic interpersonal skill (other than being psychic, which doesn't exist) that can fix the damage you caused by having given it out blindly to the general public and internet. So, insisting that this is an interpersonal skill issue will not solve things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3768" LastEditorUserId="3768" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T20:08:39.907" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T20:08:39.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-01-24T23:01:41.503" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people are more flexible with changing plans on the spot and some are less. You are less flexible and so am I. Summer (and Tom who does not have a great problem with that on his own) are more flexible. The trick here is to make it comfortable for everyone. Unless you are a good friend with Summer it is unrealistic from your perspective to expect her to make allowances for you rigidity. Unless I think that there is a good chance that she would listen, I would not approach her with this problem of mine. It could be difficult for here to get your context in this kind of conversation and unless she is particularly receptive person, I would not even try. Only you can decide if this is worth a shot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate when people change plans from under me. My family knows that and they made a habit to word these as suggestions. In more cases then not I'm willing to accommodate them, but I need time to get comfortable with the idea, and I need to feel that this is my decision whether to accommodate them or not. I usually need 10-15 minutes to think things over and accept the change (or not). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it's not always the family that causes a plan change. Sometimes I go somewhere with friends, and they can change their plans too. That would upset me equally. What I do to not get caught in that is to arrange separate means of transportation.  That is to go somewhere in two separate cars, even if we all can fit in just one. This protects my plans against changing theirs - if they decided that they want to do something else we simply can part our ways and not depend on each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For that reason I rarely agree when someone offers to give me a lift to a party or joining them in their car to a beach. When I do, it's because I decided that suffering from being dependent on other is worth the alternative (whatever it may be - like not coming at all). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If everyone goes in your car you have a bit more leverage. As long as you stick to the agreed plans there is not much other people can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your beach example: &quot;Sorry Tom, I fear we can get stuck in a traffic for 30 minutes and I just don't want to risk it. Can you tell Summer to take a bus here&quot;. If you trust Tom enough you can even go &quot;You can borrow the car if you like, to pick her up and bring her here, we'll be chilling out and waiting for you&quot;. I'd do the latter only if I know Tom to do what was agreed, that is pick her up and come back, and not stick with her once he got there and leave me hanging without the car. I have friends with whom I would not hesitate to offer that because I know that I can rely on agreement with them, and there are other, with whom I'd skip this option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you leave the problem managing Summer where it belongs - with Tom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you arrived on the beach in Tom's car however, you have much less bargaining power. You need to decide what is more important to you, to live through the 30 minutes in traffic and have your beach plans canceled or to make a point about how unhappy you are. In any case I would start with, &quot;I'm sorry, I'm very sensitive to rapid plan changes. I need 10-15 minutes to think this through, I'll get back to you soon&quot;. If you decide that you don't want to go to the mall and the day is ruined anyway, I'd say, &quot;Tom, I think I'll go home, can you drop me off at the nearest bus stop please. I was looking forward to some time at the beach, but without you guys it won't be the same, so I'll just go. I don't want to go to the mall&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would personally not worry a lot about affecting relationship between Summer and Tom. Maintaining these are Tom's responsibility, not yours. You of course should not get in the way if you can help it, but it's not that case here. As far as your relationship with Tom, it's impossible to make an omelette without breaking some eggs. Yes, your departure would not be pleasant for you, and it will cause some strain to Tom, but it will also show Tom, that this kind of things is very important to you. If Tom decides to talk this through with you at some latter point, you can reinforce it by saying, &quot;Tom, my apologies if it makes things more difficult for you, but I react very badly to rapid change of plans. Unfortunately this is not something that I can control. Every time Summer does this it's quite painful for me. I understand that it's not such a big deal for you, you are a great lot more flexible than I am, but for me this is a real problem. I wish I could not be upset about it but I am, and that's how I have been as long as I remember myself&quot;. And next time you think twice about accepting a ride to the beach, because you remember what it ended up like last time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have a car and have to use your friends for transportation, then face it, that they are doing you a favour, and if you accept it, that will be mostly on their terms. Which seems for you to include a possibility of plan changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Leave Tom to manage Summer, concentrate on your relationships with Tom, find the compromise between your demands of him and Summer's demands&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let those who care about you (Tom) know that it is a considerable issue for you when plans are changed suddenly from underneath of you and that this is not going to go away any time soon&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try not to put yourself in a position when you are dependent on others changing plans, try to have independent travel arrangements&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Decide what is less painful for you to not participate or to face possibility of plans change - on case by case basis&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7214" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T05:00:45.340" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T05:00:45.340" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9555" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-01-25T02:43:24.747" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your time is your most valuable asset. For others to value &amp;amp; respect your time, you must value your time &amp;amp; show it, not by words but by actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd invite you to adopt a more stubborn mindset, do not allow last minute changes to the plans you've made &amp;amp; don't be afraid to be upfront with that you're not ok with it. Last minute changes are signs of somebody not valuing your time &amp;amp; each time you allow it you basically teach those people that you're ok with their behavior (remember actions speak way more volume than words). Just literally follow through with your plans with or without Summer &amp;amp;/or Tom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion relationships should be built on mutual respect, if others do not value or respect my time &amp;amp; the plans we've made I'm not afraid to cut those people out of my life by progressively being more &amp;amp; more unavailable. But that's me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of if you follow my advice or not I at least hope that if you believe your time is valuable, that you will show it in your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11872" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T02:43:24.747" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-25T03:59:38.967" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you are doing things right, but unfortunately many people think they can change things. They like you, they might agree with you so &quot;to give it a chance&quot;, without realising how resolute you are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I stress that having children is not an option when picking a date? You already do, and do it right. The answer you are looking for is, how do I find someone who understand that I really mean what I say? That is harder, because it does not depend on you, unfortunately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might not be the answer you are looking for, what I am trying to say, accept you are doing all you should be doing on your side, but that the same way it is hard to find a partner we like, trust, love, etc., you are finding hard to find a partner who is able to accept your wishes, but that is not due to your mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11175" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T03:59:38.967" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9557" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9561" CreationDate="2018-01-25T04:31:32.690" Score="100" ViewCount="34756" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I am on a dinner date with a girl (generally in her early twenties), how can I politely tell her that I am annoyed and feel disrespected when she unnecessarily uses her phone to send text messages to her friends?  These are generally early dates - often first dates though some are second, third, or fourth. None of these girls are in exclusive relationships with me. So, we are not super close.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(My focus is on frequent, &lt;em&gt;unnecessary&lt;/em&gt; texting.  I have been on dates with girls who have had to respond to work-related matters on emails with their phones, and this doesn't bother me at all.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this happens, I just sit there quietly and wonder to myself, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... wow ... is she that bored on this date?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  ... that's kind of rude ... does she do this on her other dates, too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I put in considerable effort to plan these dates: I look for restaurants and study their menus, I make reservations, I go to the gym all week before the date, I get a decent haircut, and I try to dress nicely.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have always paid for dates and never asked a girl to split the bill with me, even if they had spent much of the date texting other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Money is not the issue; I pick up the tab as one way to demonstrate that I try and be a good date.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most recently, I was on a date with someone, and it happened yet again:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This girl not only texted frequently but also spotted someone in the restaurant who was supposedly &quot;famous on YouTube&quot; -- and so she spent part of our date trying to snap a photo of him with her phone, and also tried to get his attention, to say hello.  I feel I have no self-respect and am letting someone waste my time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of sitting there quietly and feeling insulted, I want to know how I can ask my date to not use her phone unnecessarily, without ruining any good vibes we have during the date.  This seems like a pretty tough thing to do, because I've never actually tried being assertive in these situations, and I'm afraid I'll just act out badly and say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know what, put your [expletive] phone away, or else I'm leaving!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though, I think that doing this would of course ruin any chances of us going out again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T04:03:48.273" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T04:03:48.273" Title="How can I politely ask my date to not use her phone unnecessarily during dinner, without ruining the night out?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9558" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T05:06:47.250" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Smartphones are an everyday part of our lives, but that's no excuse for rude behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, given that it's a frequent enough occurrence, you'd be having to tell lots of your dates to stop playing on their phones. That doesn't sound very pleasant for either of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps a change in approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe not a date where there is idle time. No matter how engaging you are, there are going to be natural lulls in conversation. Pulling out your phone is now just how people deal with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And take this with a grain of salt--it reads as if you feel entitled to having your dates act a certain way based on the effort you put in. Yes, texting during dinner is bad manners, but just like you wouldn't get on your dates case for folding up a soiled napkin, you probably shouldn't get on their case for texting during dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11876" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T05:06:47.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T05:07:35.440" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Always sucks to have people use their phones on you especially on dates. Having had some experience with girls from this age group (I'm in that age group)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you could say/do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;hey we're on a date here and the purpose is to get to know each other and if the communications on your phone are more important we could always pick this up at another time&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;if you really must message someone about something, please take some time to do it all then come back and focus on this (AKA get it out of their system.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;inquire, ask about what she's distracted by &amp;quot;Oh that's a famous youtuber? what does he/she make videos about, hey lets go take a photo with them, whats you favorite video from said youtuber.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's similar to you seeing an actor or minor celebrity you like and wanted to take a photo with him/her while you are out on a date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than these, i think, if they insist that their phones are more interesting than you although you are supposedly their date for the day/night. Excuse yourself, drop any later things planned for that date and call it a night, they don't need you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Edit:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing what Alan wrote, i think yeah, using the phone deals with the luls and lowpoints. my guess is that OP is annoyed as it happens very often or maybe even halfway in conversations. If both are silent and there is no communications going on, a 30 secind phone whip out would hardly be out of place. Issue is when my date shushes me mid sentence so they can reply rebecca about how absolutely cute that dress is. (not a true story)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T05:07:35.440" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9560" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T05:33:19.527" Score="63" Body="&lt;p&gt;Texting during a date is rude and disrespectful &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; of the time. There can be plenty of variation between the level of texting before it becomes rude (some prefer none and some don't mind responding when your phone alerts) and more importantly there could be external reasons they need to be texting. Because of this I think that being assertive is not the way to go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead I would &lt;strong&gt;try to bring attention to the fact she is using her phone, without accusing her of being rude or telling her to put it away&lt;/strong&gt;. This lets her know you do not like the amount she is using her phone on the date, but leaves it open for her to act next, and ideally she will put away her phone or explain why it is important she continue texting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know your date well enough you could try to make pointing it out a lighthearted joke. &lt;em&gt;For example, on a recent date of mine we were eating tacos and the girl was texting a lot. I sent her a message saying &quot;This taco is delicious&quot;. With a big grin on my face as she looked up.&lt;/em&gt; She said a sarcastic joke back and afterwards she put her phone away and we carried on with an enjoyable date. The reason this worked was because I did not accuse or demand she change her behaviour, but still managed to bring it into the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exactly how you choose to go about bringing the fact they are on their phone is up to you, the texting joke was good for me because we somewhat knew each other and that type of humor worked for us. It would be counterproductive for me to write your jokes for you, instead you should find what is best for &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; to say and you must think for yourself and consider what sort of humor would be best in your own situation. It does not have to be a joke either, the only essential part is that it gets mentioned, and you do not use aggressive words or be demanding/make accusations.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your goal is to maintain an easygoing/fun mood on your date then you should say easygoing and fun things! Not &quot;put your [expletive] phone away&quot;. It is common knowledge that texting is inconsiderate towards your date, so if you can find a way to bring it into the conversation without you yourself being rude, it is effectively the same as you blatantly telling her you would like her to use her phone less. If she purposefully continues being rude then I would say she isn't worth it, but that is just me and you are welcome to try some other solutions if you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T20:44:53.707" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T20:44:53.707" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9561" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T05:55:07.663" Score="188" Body="&lt;p&gt;The point of dating, at least in my (probably old fashioned) understanding, is to determine compatibility with a partner. Their cellphone usage can also be an indication of this too. When I was dating, I made a conscious effort to put my phone away because the person I was with &lt;em&gt;was a priority&lt;/em&gt;. I wanted to spend time with them and get to know them. If my phone made a noise, I'd say excuse me and look at it for 2 seconds, then put it away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is using her phone for long periods of time now, on the one occasion she has most reason to try and impress you, then what is going to change her behaviour on the other dates moving forward? What if you're dating her exclusively? Is she going to continue to do this then? If she makes you feel like you have no self-respect &lt;em&gt;on the first date&lt;/em&gt;, then how do you know she is going to change when things get more serious? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing wrong with looking at your phone for 2s because it made a noise. But if she's glued to it, then perhaps that's a good indicator that she isn't the kind of girl you're looking for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her cellphone usage is excessive then you can bring it to her attention, but I would argue that doing so is besides the point. It's not your job to improve her manners. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarification, prompted by the comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her actions are showing you that you are not a priority. You can't &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; her pay attention to you, or tell her to make you a priority. I mean, you can, but is that the precedent you want to set for the relationship? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In light of the above, I'd recommend that you end the date early if you feel she is being extremely rude. In that case, you can say something like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I was under the impression that you'd be available this evening, but&#xA;  it seems like you're busy with other things now. I'd rather not waste&#xA;  either of our time further&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This acknowledges her behaviour, doesn't demand she pay you attention, gives you an opportunity to leave and her an explanation as to why you are leaving. If she apologises and asks you to stay, I highly recommend sticking to your guns and still leaving. This is reserved for cases when you really want out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be particularly inconvenient in the middle of a meal, so I'd recommend a coffee date or something more informal that's easier to end early as a first date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do note that this is for extreme cases where she's really being just plain rude. There are other answer suggestions for things to say in other cases (her phone is just a minor annoyance, etc) that don't really warrant leaving yet. What you do really depends on your personality and the situation at the time.  It is possible that she has a really bad phone-habit and doesn't know it, but judging by &quot;I feel I have no self-respect&quot; and &quot;sitting there quietly and feeling insulted&quot;, this more than just a small phone annoyance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T14:00:37.400" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T14:00:37.400" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9563" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T08:55:55.513" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being assertive for a moment shouldn't ruin the mood, it will actually make a positive impression with most dates. The best way to deal with this is to express surprise in a calm, polite &amp;amp; firm manner. Leave no doubt that the behaviour is unacceptable. This works very well on a date as people want to make a good impression, they just hadn't made much effort to think about their actions in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost everyone will apologise and put their phone away. The rare person who won't after you comment is telling you that they aren't willing to make an effort to behave well on a date. And that is valuable to learn too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something along the lines of &quot;What are you doing? You don't text when you are on a date!&quot; And if they are still reluctant to put their phone away then reinforce it with &quot;It's really rude to text when we should be paying attention to each other.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be polite but firm. You are not making a casual comment or negotiating, you are expressing surprise &amp;amp; should have a real expectation that they will put the phone away as this will be reflected in your tone and body language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T09:07:12.180" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T09:07:12.180" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-25T09:24:15.327" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; thing I'd possibly tweak about your current approach is that instead of saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;... I don't want children and that I don't want them to hope/expect&#xA;  me to change my mind&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd maybe try something more like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Forgive my forwardness, but I'd like to get this out of the way now:&#xA;  Children are a no-go on my future plans. Are they an important part of&#xA;  yours?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I think you may be running into trouble and facing trust issues is because it sounds like you might be putting the onus on the other person to decide whether to continue dating or not. In effect, the tone sounds a bit &quot;are you ok with proceeding, knowing this?&quot;. Whilst it might feel courteous to do so, to illustrate why this is a bad idea let's look at the options now facing your prospective date. They can either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;End things there and then with this super-cute hottie, thus guaranteeing no chance of it ever working out. Ever&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give things a go and hope for the best. After all... it could work out!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're particularly date-starved and unhappy about it, they'll almost always gun for option B as it's a slim chance vs no chance at all. In other words: It doesn't matter how strongly you make your stance - they will still almost always shoot for the 0.01% chance than 0%.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the solution here is to acquire the information to make the decision yourself. Don't leave it to them. Share your stance and enquire theirs. In asking how &lt;em&gt;important&lt;/em&gt; children are in their future plans, you can largely discern to what extent it's a deal-breaker, if at all. Though some might find this weird, the type of person &lt;em&gt;you're&lt;/em&gt; looking for (seeking long-term dating / no kids) will likely appreciate the honesty, open dialogue and getting the possible deal-breakers out of the way early (thus saving everybody's time)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But other than that, I feel what you're doing is fine for your long-term plan, and these frustrations are simply by-products to be toughed out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Allow me to explain...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The problem right now isn't your communication. Your stance isn't being misunderstood, it's being outright ignored. The concept of &quot;I do not want children&quot; is about as complicated as &quot;I do not wish to plunge my hands into bubbling magma in the near future&quot;. You can't do much about your dates not factoring this appropriately into their decision to date you, other than what you're doing now: Reaffirming and ending the relationship when it's clear you don't share the same fundamental stance.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Now the temptation here is &quot;should I make my stance even stronger / clearer?&quot;... possibly, but I'd advise against it. Anything more than what you're doing now risks coming across hostile / neurotic - &lt;em&gt;even if they agree with you&lt;/em&gt;. I saw this a lot on online dating. In a bid to ward off bad messages, some women had very angry profiles with a lot of &quot;don't message me just 'hi' or I'll ignore you, shoot your message into the sun and laugh at you!&quot;. It didn't stop them getting bad messages, but it &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; make people like me go &quot;heck no. That's a can of crazy I'm not touching&quot; - &lt;em&gt;even though I agreed with them&lt;/em&gt;. You don't want to risk putting off potential catches by militantly trying to filter out bad ones. Sadly, unsuitable people are an unavoidable part of dating. The best you can do is persevere and be ruthless (as it sounds like you already are)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;To the final point of your life goals: You make it clear you're shooting long-term, so good on you for sticking to your guns and getting the important questions out of the way early! Kids are possibly the largest decision anyone can make, so if there's a fundamental disconnect, that relationship is doomed. &lt;em&gt;Unless&lt;/em&gt; one person changes their stance, it either ends in hellfire or bitter resentment (when one party has to compromise on such a massive life goal). So kudos to you! Whilst you lament your &quot;6 date record&quot;, remember that this is you successfully ending relationships with people who are not good long-term prospects... &lt;em&gt;catching it in fewer dates is ideal&lt;/em&gt;. I say this from experience. I once messaged a lass and we hit it off really well, but she then messaged to say &quot;I know this is forward, but I noticed your profile says you don't want children. How strong is your stance on this? I ask because I'm looking for long-term dating (cheesy, I know) and children are a big part of my future&quot; - I conceded that my stance was strongly against, so we graciously parted ways. Now some might scoff &quot;that was stupid, they could have enjoyed a few years of dating still!&quot;... maybe... but what happened instead was that I went back to the dating scene and, a few weeks later, messaged a lady who is now my soon-to-be-wife. A lady who happens to share my fundamental views (on marriage/kids etc). But more importantly, &lt;em&gt;a lady I would not have met had I been wasting time short-term dating someone who fundamentally was not a good fit&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is: You've got luck stacked against you, looking for long-term and no children. So by pure probability you're going to run into several people who do not share this stance. There's little you can do to avoid this, other than making your stance clear and breaking it off when you need to (which it sounds like you're already doing). It's frustrating, but try not to allow bad experiences to muddy your dating. Remind yourself that each person you date is different - so don't let another's ignorance cause you to assume that they will be too. You're making your stance clearly enough and I earnestly believe that someone who shares it will honestly appreciate it. (My partner bringing up the big questions early on scored massive points in my book)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7866" LastEditorDisplayName="user7866" LastEditDate="2018-01-27T12:52:49.460" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T12:52:49.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T09:30:14.893" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all (and this is REALLY important): Most of the time it is not your fault when they do this. It is either just unconsciously doing the wrong thing or even disrespect to behave like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it's her &quot;fault&quot;. I would go with a simple question instead of accusatory phrases and then see how she responds. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you mind putting away your phone for a while?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should be enough for a sensitive person to figure out what you want. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can vary this depending on your mood and probably your feelings for her. &#xA;If you feel this is too &lt;em&gt;strong&lt;/em&gt; of a demand, then lessen the effect with a nice explanation like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really like to look into the other's eyes when talking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could even add a compliment (when feeling like it):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really like to look into your beautiful [insert color here] eyes when talking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe due to my age I am too conservative and probably too romantic. &#xA;But for me, this is how a date should be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3392" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T20:46:18.233" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T20:46:18.233" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T09:35:22.797" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you ask another adult to do, or not to do something, you are basically trying to control them. This wont go down well on a date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you express your feelings about something in the right way, someone that wants to please you will adjust their behaviour voluntarily. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear - relationships are two way. You should want to please the other person as much as they want to please you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say (with a smile):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are addicted to that phone!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I never use my phone at the dinner table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or, when they are staring right into the phone...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm over here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't outright ask them to put it away. They may have a good reason to be checking it. Listen and learn from how they react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T09:35:22.797" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-25T09:36:02.507" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I don't want kids for an ever growing list of reasons. It came up naturally, I think, somewhere around our 4th or 5th date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She told me her mother was jokingly pestering her about kids already and explained she couldn't stand the thought. I quickly agreed with her and that was it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm trying to say is it doesn't have to be a big deal. Given your experience, you don't have to pretend to have a pretext for bringing this up. You already got one. You're concerned it won't work out if you both aren't on the same line and that's a genuine concern. Don't create a lie, at best exaggerate the situation a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dating isn't easy, especially when you don't agree with the mainstream. It makes the proverbial fishing pool a lot smaller. But you have to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You're doing the right thing&lt;/strong&gt; by breaking up when it comes out they're hoping you'll change. That's simply not how it works. It is impossible to change the character of another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's put that last sentence in a shiny box so it stands out more:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is impossible to change the character of another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not wanting children isn't a disease. It's not a temporary state of mind. It's part of who you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, there are people who simply haven't thought about it yet. But the world roughly divides between people who want kids, people who don't and people who simply haven't thought about it long enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person is responsible for their own happiness. Do no expect your date to know what you want until you've told them. You don't want kids. They do. That's an incompatibility the size of a religious difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop being disappointed about finding out. Dating is a method of getting to know each other. Finding out whether you're compatible or not. Something which can take days, months or years. Be glad, relieved even, that you find out so quickly. Better to find out before you get seriously attached to each other than when you're 2 years in a relationship already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get it on the table. Be blunt if you have to. But don't hesitate to talk about it in whatever way you can get it to table. You know what you want and what you don't want. Don't let anyone distract you from that and share your concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11887" LastEditorUserId="11887" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T13:56:38.343" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T13:56:38.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9540" CreationDate="2018-01-25T09:36:49.057" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I have learned from several psychologists and social workers is to use the formula: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I am (describe behavior), I feel (describe feeling.) In the future I need (describe desired change), so that I will not feel (describe feeling.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in this specific situation, you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I am (hugged by others) , I feel (uncomfortable.) In the future I need to be allowed to not participate in the group hug so that I will not feel (uncomfortable.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The formula requires the person who has the problem to take full responsibility for the problem, and for resolving it, without blaming anyone else. It is a polite way to request that other people respect the person's personal boundaries, without making any judgements or accusations.  It enables the problem to be resolved without creating conflict. If others refuse to adjust their behavior to accommodate the individual's needs, then they are the ones who are being inconsiderate and rude, not him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are referred to as &quot;I messages&quot; and are described in more depth &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.encouraging-appropriate-behaviour.com/free-stuff/how-to-use-i-messages.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11889" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T13:03:50.357" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T13:03:50.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9569" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9473" CreationDate="2018-01-25T09:57:57.777" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think &quot;how to ask&quot; might be to appeal to reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most places if people or animals are killed there are laws concerning that but when it comes to insects it's more about the laws concerning pesticide and disposal, not about the insects at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's an insect in my home I have a 'catching jar' so I can catch and release them outside, if it's a flying insect I can usually open the window further and direct them outside - not sure if my neighbors have figured out or thought much of my example but it's there for them to learn from, if they are so inclined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might inquire of your mother's reasoning and what example she hopes to set ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it that she's lazy with leaving food out and cleaning up, that the ants are simply little pests that remind her of this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it more simply that she's big and they are small?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it because they are insects, what if it were a cat, dog, or bird; would she swat it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does she enjoy the extra mess and work of cleaning up the deceased bugs?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking what she is trying to do and how successful she thinks her efforts are might encourage her to be tidy and not take it out on the bugs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if she bugged the neighbors, should they be rid of her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she fears being bitten or of disease, she is looking out for you. By asking what she is doing and why will better equip you with how to put forth your beliefs and solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling people they can't go anywhere and walk outside because they will step on a bug is a non-starter; educating people about cleanliness and respect for others is likely to be an argument, a belief, that is better received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask to get a frog or lizard to eat the bugs, that too will probably be rejected. Not leaving the burglars an invitation is the way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Education and reason will work better than a conflict of belief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T09:57:57.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T10:49:17.310" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Address the issue at the beginning of the date, before this issue shows up. This way you won't have to go through any awkwardness during the date and you won't put any blame on her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nowadays it's really difficult to get away from the cellphone. Let's use this time to create some free space from those attention-seeking devices! Are you in? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;State that being overly distracted by cellphones is a &lt;em&gt;common problem&lt;/em&gt;, not hers specifically. Phrase it as underlining the &lt;strong&gt;positive aspects of not using the phone&lt;/strong&gt; (undivided attention to the world around us, peace of mind etc) rather than on the negative ones of using it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like it, you can also jokingly do a bet:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ok, let's put our cellphones here on the table. The first one that touches it loses/pays a beer/does something!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T10:49:17.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9573" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9450" CreationDate="2018-01-25T11:23:59.277" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a fellow LARP player, I can feel your pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contrary to what some answers seem to think, I don't believe you are so bored during the preparation phase that you are desperately looking for a good approach to nurse or help Alice grow as a person. You simply want that she doesn't spoil the event you are most likely putting every single of your spare time hours into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quite honestly, the best way is to not do anything as long as she doesn't sign up. Do not manage problems that do not appear. Some LARP events I know offer people to pay at the event if they last-minute decide to come, but it's not very common. Depending on your event, you may or may not worry about Alice showing up unannounced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she signs up, simply reject her application (if your tools allow that, otherwise by an e-mail) and bluntly tell her that due to past experiences you are not approving her application. Never forget that it is &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; event and &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are the host and you have every right to accept or reject anyone for any or no reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not unheard of. Several of my friends are LARP organizers as well, and there were events were players were clearly requested to not sign up for future events. On one event I arrived and said hello to the usual crowd that I know well, and asked about another player who was a regular as well. Someone plainly told me that he's not there and won't be at any future events as he was told that his playstyle is not appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important IPS thing to keep in mind is to communicate without judgement. Maybe Alice is perfect for someone else, maybe some other organizer treasures her. That is not your concern. She does not fit to your events and that is what you should communicate. Not that she is a bad person, but that you and her don't fit together, and since it is &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; event, if one of you should better not be there, it's logically her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T11:23:59.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9574" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9478" CreationDate="2018-01-25T11:24:07.757" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is nothing wrong with just hanging up in this situation. Yes, it is better to interrupt them and say 'Sorry, not looking, bye', but view it this way: the faster you terminate the call, the faster they can move on to someone more valuable to them 'right now'. If they launch right into a sales pitch, that is their problem, not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't expect many recruiters will keep track of 'rude' vs 'not looking' assuming they have a list. This behaviour just doesn't really add value for them - by the time you're looking again, they won't care about the response they got in the past - just if they can place you this time round.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to worry about burning bridges with potential employers, but recruiters don't own bridges, they're trying to sell you someone else's bridge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="78" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T11:24:07.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T11:31:07.837" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'd like to expand on &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/9561/5504&quot;&gt;Stacey's answer&lt;/a&gt; (before she added it herself).&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you've concluded that the other party isn't a match because he/she is impolite/rude/lacks common decency, you can end the date, e.g. if you've only had drinks: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I don't want to be rude, but I don't think this is working out. I suggest we just leave it at this to save us both some time. I'll pick up the bill*, have a pleasant evening.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;sub&gt;*or suggest to split the bill&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then leave. You don't have to be rude, but you're not a free meal service as well. If they can't respect you and your time enough to spend 1-2 hours without their phone, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you should at least respect it yourself&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. You, as individual, are worth some common decency/respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a bit common to assume the guy will pay &quot;because he is supposed to pay&quot; (where the guy is trying to be polite/good). Because this is sort of assumed, it is taken a bit too lightly by some and then at the end of the free meal do &quot;&lt;em&gt;aw no sorry, don't think this is going to work&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. The method suggested above should prevent that, at least to some extent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO a very good video on Youtube: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71o3hq6iSPM&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Who Pays on a First Date? - Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T17:54:04.877" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T17:54:04.877" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T11:39:37.167" Score="73" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt; are you trying to change her habits? You are on a date, and neither side has any standing to comment or change another persons behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also have no obligation to continue the date if her behaviour bothers you and makes it unlikely that you want to spend more time with this person. In fact, breaking off the date early, while it requires a bit of mental fortitude, is considerate of both peoples time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving people the benefit of doubt is always a good idea, so until you know otherwise, assume that whatever she is doing is important. In fact, assume so openly. You can ask &quot;I'm sorry, is this not a good time for a date? You seem to have important things to attend to.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you know (e.g. because she answers &quot;nah, just some Twitter comments&quot; and then continues) that what she's doing is not actually a family emergency (though a respectful person would announce such by herself without waiting for you to ask), &lt;strong&gt;break up the date&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously. Ask for the bill if you ordered already, leave your food and drink and get out of there. If a person can't put her phone away on a &lt;strong&gt;date&lt;/strong&gt;, she will be even more like that deeper into a relationship. If it bothers you now already, it will bother you even more then. No point in wasting time on this dead end, go out and start planning the next date with the next girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T11:39:37.167" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T12:20:34.647" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;My strategy for this might be a little bit too &quot;dominant&quot; for many, but it works. Whenever she's got her face down and scanning through whatever on her phone, I finish the sentence I was saying and then just stop talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she looks up - and at me - within ten seconds of me going quiet, I say &quot;thank you&quot; and hopefully continue a lovely date, otherwise there are better things for me to do, so I leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this happens too often - say 4-5 times in an evening - I wait until she looks up again and ask something like 'Do you want me to leave the two of you alone?' or 'I wasn't expecting to be the third wheel on our date'. Passive-aggressive enough to be a bit of a guilt trip, but not enough to be sociopathic. Just asserting my position, reminding her why she's here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, If she insists on a &quot;Yeah, but I just have to [...]&quot;, then take out your own phone and make a show of opening the calendar app. &quot;Okay, how's about ... Thursday next week? ... No, wait, I can't then... That Sunday, maybe? We could do brunch.&quot; Make a show of how the date is now over. She blew it. But you're willing to reschedule. You're nice like that - giving her a second chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11771" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T12:20:34.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9578" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9540" CreationDate="2018-01-25T13:04:45.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some good thoughts here. It'll be easier to change if you can take some initiative. Take a moment with your boss, in private, and in a calm, non-confrontational way explain that you support his effort to keep morale high. Tell him that next time you'll high five, handshake or whatever you are comfortable with to show your support for the team /morale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You shouldn't blindside your boss, which might embarass him or undermine his authority. But you still get your concerns aired with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to keep this simple and short. It doesn't need long discussion or explanations. It might be an awkward moment but it if you don't make a big deal about it, it should pass quickly, everyone will figure out that you prefer a high five to a hug. And it should quickly become an non-event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T20:31:30.673" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T20:31:30.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9531" CreationDate="2018-01-25T13:20:01.473" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can and should inquire about work responsibilities if they are time sensitive and involve you. Keep it professional since it doesn't sound like you are particularly close and you don't want to delve into possibly bad news anyway. It would be good to say something generally supportive, express your hope that they are doing well at this busy time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are not likely to keep good news secret, apart from possibly being too busy to immediately inform everyone. Be patient and you'll surely hear all of the details soon enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as you don't want to hear possibly negative news about the birth you shouldn't push or pry any more than asking for an update about strictly work matters + offering a generally supportive message. If you must slake your curiosity more then see if your co-workers have more information. Or possibly try phoning the hospital (if you know which one) and ask for a general update anonymously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T13:20:01.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9581" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-25T13:28:33.153" Score="21" ViewCount="14271" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am working in a software consultancy company, and our job has a good deal of direct interaction with clients. We are a very international bunch of people, but we are based in Germany, and all our clients are German. From the professional point of view, we not only have to be good technically, but look business-like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a new colleague, let's call him Bob, who is a motivated person eager to work and technically quite good. But he is very timid and quite a nerd - he is not interested in sport at all, his posture is really bad, shoulders sloping, arms always hanging alongside his body and not moving while he walks. He dresses OK, somehow, but the most disturbing is his hair. He hasn't cut his hair for ages, washes it rarely and never combs it, same with facial hair - very patchy beard, and he has a nasty habit of twitching his hairs when he's bored. In short, he looks like a hobo, although in nice clothes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The boy is actually nice, he is young, new in the city and would like to have friends, one can see that. But I really can't see that shabby look at all, I always avoid him, but we have to work in the same team. He goes to the client with us, and I am ashamed of the image we produce as a company when he looks like that. I also think that if he changed the way he looks and realized that he can look much more likeable, it will also help him feel better about himself and get more friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have noticed that most of the questions in this forum can be answered by very direct communication. It's that easy. But unfortunately it is not an option in this case. If I talk to Bob, even very nicely, he will definitely just get offended, and that will make our teamwork worse. My colleagues agree with me about his looks, but no one wants to talk to him in fear of him getting offended. I have already talked to my boss who also said it would be weird if he as a boss did it, then poor Bob will get scared to death. The boss presented me with an option to talk to one common colleague who works remotely, let's call her Alice, she's a very friendly lady and they are almost friends with Bob since they started together - the suggestion was to ask her to play a role, telling Bob that she has a couple of girlfriends who would like to meet new people, but before she can organize a meeting for him with them, she would like to go to a hairdresser's with Bob and pimp his style. Although the idea is interesting, I seriously doubt that Alice will be happy to do it, and that it might work at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So. I understand the easiest option would be for one of us to talk to him. The question is, who and how. Let's try to get creative here. As I said, being direct will damage our communication. I would normally be very direct, but that does not always work for all people. All of the other colleagues I see take care of how they look, and I want this one to do too, I want to have a pleasant team, have a good image before the customer and maybe help this guy understand it's nicer for everybody if he takes care of himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best way we can ask/motivate Bob to clean up his hairstyle?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: Information collected from comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boss agrees that the guy looks bad, and that it would be better if something was done about it, but he himself is indecisive for now how to handle this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our HR department is kinda &quot;separate&quot; from us and the decisions about hire are mostly made by our technical employees, so they won't help us in this case. We generally strive to have a &quot;family&quot; atmosphere in the company, we are relatively young, but growing fast, and it's becoming hard, but we are trying to leave it like that and it's of utmost importance to our boss, that's why he said it would be inappropriate for him to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand my boss as a person, but I guess as a boss he is still probably the most appropriate person to do it. I don't think he thinks this as important. But he does not work with Bob. I agree, this is not something that will ruin the entire career of our company, but for me as a team-member it is something I would really like to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are actually going to have a &quot;review&quot; meeting about assessing the job we do in a week or so, just came to my mind it could be a good time to mention this. Review is going to be done by the boss and one other colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice once asked him why he wouldn't trim his hair and he said something along the lines of &quot;I'm too lazy&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had a couple of talks with different colleagues, they understand me and some of them also get frustrated because of this, the HR department also complained to us this is inappropriate, but the customers Bob works with so far haven't worded anything yet. He might be transferred to other customers soon. The managerial part of the company have decided they will leave this as it is until the customers make remarks - then this will definitely be addressed. Meanwhile, the guy who manages Bob's work has somehow taken Bob to a sports facility and has a plan to go to a hairdresser's and take Bob with him=)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11147" LastEditorUserId="11147" LastEditDate="2018-01-28T16:41:35.860" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T16:32:01.217" Title="How to tell a colleague to take care of how he looks" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-01-25T13:47:05.983" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is complicated, I don't think you can tell someone like this outright or quickly that the way they look isn't great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As your boss doesn't want to get involved and you are considered peers, this seems more like a social rather than professional problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be worth having a male colleague strike up a conversation about grooming habits with him, make some suggestions along the lines of &quot;I tried this and it really made me look nice&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting in some easily re-searchable tidbits like '&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/women-find-stubble-to-me-more-attractive-than-beards-and-clean-shaven-faces_uk_57d7f66ce4b00f741734903c&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;women prefer men with stubble&lt;/a&gt;' and then talking about a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B000OS72Y0/ref=s9_acsd_top_hd_bw_b3Makud_c_x_w?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&amp;amp;pf_rd_s=merchandised-search-3&amp;amp;pf_rd_r=T3FQZR8Z7RMMV4KBTR7D&amp;amp;pf_rd_t=101&amp;amp;pf_rd_p=7034bdb9-6785-5a87-b857-df5d6a15abd3&amp;amp;pf_rd_i=3082238031&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;good beard trimmer&lt;/a&gt; would probably help with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From personal experience, discussing what works with other men makes me more receptive than being told my own flaws.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing that works on me, is having someone of the opposite sex tell me they prefer men to look a certain way because of X reason. No greater motivation for my appearance and hygiene than sex and dating, sadly enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be worth having a conversation about what people find attractive around him. But make sure you know his sexual orientation first and don't look like you're coming on to him, it could detract from the conversation if you get that wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The important thing is to give him hints so he can form his own sense of style, not call him ugly to his face.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastEditorUserId="9259" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T23:39:13.707" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T23:39:13.707" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9584" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-01-25T14:08:39.783" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 2:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Thorsten S. Has mentioned that German culture is different. I will note that my response may be more applicable to most Canadian (in my experience) business/services/companies.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the company has a certain image to maintain then it's up to management to handle this. If the expectation was not conveyed at the time of hiring then it should be brought up now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wording like this may help your boss open that conversation: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob, I would like to talk to you about the company image. If it was not mentioned at the interview then I'd like to update you now. While we do not have an official uniform, everyone is expected to maintain a level of professionalism and grooming. I've noticed you've let your hair and beard grow. This is not an issue but it needs to look tidy and clean. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not use another coworker to address his grooming. If this conflicts with the company image then management should deal directly with it. You, as a colleague, should not do this. A supervisor or someone in a higher position must do this. Your boss is wrong and does not want to be confrontational but because he's in a role of superiority in the workplace, issues like this should only be dealt with by someone above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Involving another coworker is so inappropriate, I cannot stress this enough. It's bad enough you're being asked to do this. If you don't have an HR department then your boss should intervene. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this answer does not exactly address potentially damaging communication but (for example) you don't go to the gym in a suit or you don't show up at a formal event after 3 days of camping. Appropriate office wear and grooming is generally expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;To expand on the interpersonal aspect. Damaging communication can be caused if you (a co-worker, someone who is on the same level) addresses his appearance. It's not your responsibility or mandate to do this. The boss (in a position of superiority, and generally respected) talking to him about grooming is coming from a non-personal view. If he got the job then clearly he's capable of cleaning up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assume the worst case: he's been going through a tough time and now his appearance is taking a toll. Clearly something in his schedule or life style changed for him to lose track of grooming. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still stand behind the fact that your boss or HR take care of this. This is exactly what HR is for if your boss won't handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="8702" LastEditDate="2018-01-27T07:42:02.457" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T07:42:02.457" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9585" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-01-25T14:32:50.883" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You present an interesting challenge - how to speak directly to a person that, if you speak directly to, will be offended?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, bringing Alice into the picture is not a good idea.  If it's not her issue, she won't be happy if you ask her to do &quot;your work&quot; for you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is: who is closest to Bob?  Who does he respect the most?  That would be the first choice of person to deal with that.  If there isn't an answer to that, then picking the most sensitive person is the group will be the best choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, I'd frame it as helping Bob.  He probably already knows he has an issue.  The big thing is to find out what matters to him and frame the discussion in that way.  What does he want from the job? Promotion?  Recognition?  A closer-knit team?  More responsibility?  More opportunity? Whatever it is, improved grooming can help that.   And this needs to be done slowly.  If you try to fix all his grooming issues at once, that will fall flat.  I'd start with washing his hair.  Then beard grooming.  Then tying the hair back.  The important thing here is to do this gradually.  And frame it positively - &quot;Hey Bob; that cut looks good on you.&quot;  &quot;Hey Bob, your beard looks really good when you trim it that way&quot;.  People will respond better to positive reinforcement than to criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does your group interact socially with one another?  What is Bob's status in that group?  Does he come along?  Is he invited?  Or is he excluded from social interactions with the group?  If he is excluded, that would be a &quot;reward&quot; for him - when he does make small improvements, invite him with for a beer.  You don't need to tell him that, but let him start associating improved grooming with increased social interaction with the team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T14:32:50.883" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9586" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T14:44:41.617" Score="21" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell my date to not use her phone unnecessarily during dinner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have news for you. &lt;strong&gt;You don't get to control your date's behaviour.&lt;/strong&gt; In general you don't get to control someone's behaviour unless you are their parent or their boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can however do two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Communicate to your date how you feel when she uses her phone unnecessarily. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask&lt;/strong&gt; if she would mind not using her phone. It's her choice to respond or not. And make sure you ask nicely, and that you make it clear they have the option.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may seem like a small difference between 'ask' and 'tell' but it isn't. People do not like being told what to do. And the fact that you phrased this as &quot;tell my date to...&quot; several times in your question makes we wonder if you have really grasped the point that you can't control people's behaviour, and that trying to do so is what we call 'being controlling'. As an exercise consider how you would feel if you were &lt;strong&gt;told&lt;/strong&gt; by a date not to do something that you normally did and liked doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5800" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T16:28:16.883" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T16:28:16.883" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T14:48:10.763" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, the social graces of past generations are becoming less and less commonplace, even amongst those raised within those standards. The only thing I would suggest is perhaps stating &quot;We are here because we are interested in getting to know one another. I find that is much easier to accomplish without distractions. Would it be alright with you if we kept our phones away?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you would be surprised by how many would be agreeable. However, I do think you need to also be flexible to a point. It's a far stretch to write an individual off as being rude, shallow or detached for looking at their phone. As I stated previously, cultural norms are changing. If both you and your date communicate, there should be no conflict. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11898" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T14:48:10.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-01-25T14:57:53.647" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two points here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, if you are concerned because of impact on the company, for example because clients react badly to him, then this is a workplace issue. Your boss should take care of it, and the question should be on &lt;a href=&quot;http://workplace.stackexchange.com&quot;&gt;our workplace site.&lt;/a&gt;. If your boss isn't handling it you should go to the boss and explain &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you think Bob's image is hurting the company (being very careful to put it in those terms and not 'why I don't like Bob's apperance'). But if the boss disagrees it's his call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However if this is just the fact that you don't like Bob's dress, then guess what - you don't get to control his dress. Unless you are his boss you don't get to 'tell' him to do anything. If the workplace considers it acceptable, it's acceptable for you. There doesn't appear to be a sanitary issue here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Bob had expressed a desire for you to help him with some personal issue, and a change of dress might help, then feel free to help him. But without that, you should leave well alone. Who knows, maybe you will get used to his style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5800" LastEditorUserId="5800" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T18:30:11.277" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T18:30:11.277" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-01-25T15:10:51.910" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speaking directly to Bob is the best way. Other options just seem like they will backfire and make you look sneaky. Let's be frank - Bob isn't going to be happy when he finds out that 'Alice' hasn't really got any girlfriends that want to meet him and it was all a trick to get him to get a haircut and shave. You should have called her 'Delilah'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to give negative feedback, you can always sandwich it between two bits of positive feedback. Some managers call this a 's*** sandwich':&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob, you've been working here x months now. You're doing great, seems&#xA;  like you've really settled into this work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think you've got potential to go further in the company, but you&#xA;  know that image is very important when dealing with clients. Could we&#xA;  ask you to tidy up your hair and beard please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Got to say though - love the suit, very snappy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really ought to be the manager delivering this, or someone responsible for staff appraisal. Good managers have regular 1-to-1 meetings with their staff rather than just once-per-year appraisals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T15:18:36.957" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T15:18:36.957" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-25T15:15:47.750" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, I don't think ending the friendship is doing yourself any favors. You seemingly are putting an immense amount of stress onto yourself and the relationship, essentially turning what was a source of enjoyment for you into a detraction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take a breath. All of these uncertainties regarding proper conduct or whether or not you are interacting appropriately are moot point. Relationships are established through a mutual enjoyment. So long as this persists, as does the relationship. Putting on an act defeats the entire purpose of connecting with others. People who like who you are will gravitate towards You, those who do not will move away. &#xA;The connection you have is why your friend became your friend.  He is also a big boy. If some part of your interaction is causing a problem for him, trust that he will address it with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Severing the tie out of fear of failure or rejection is your right if you so choose. It is this act that has hampered your ability to navigate through relationships though. If you have made up your mind and will never engage in another relationship for the rest of your life, tell him that you had a blast but the stress you feel resulting from human interaction is becoming too much and you need to withdraw. It's as simple as that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11898" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T15:15:47.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9593" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9597" CreationDate="2018-01-25T15:47:17.763" Score="26" ViewCount="9644" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend and her boyfriend tends to get very hammered. I really enjoy spending time with her but him not so much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to exclude her from our group campsite but he's an issue. How can I politely tell her that her boyfriend can't get really drunk with our group at the site without implying that it's something he'd do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a music festival so frivolity &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; be happening but he has a track record of taking things too far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has a history of being a DD (designated driver) and then getting obliterated and trying to drive and I'm concerned he'll just be a mess and a jerk to all my friends who I'm introducing them too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11906" LastEditorUserId="11298" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T23:36:40.040" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T10:08:30.100" Title="Friend's BF tends to get hammered, how do I politely address that I don't want his behavior to get out of hand at the campsite?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9506" CreationDate="2018-01-25T15:49:13.807" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have several contingency plans to suggest for your entertainment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I bachelored at UNLV and served on the senate for both of my colleges.  Since your position is a little history, photography and web-mastering, I would request for someone quite historical in your college to show-up, dial in, video conference or record a video commentary to be presented during your 5 minute speech.  Since I am from UNLV, I in particular would reach out to Tarkanian or Berkeley.  The idea with someone famously historical is it provides you great validation with someone already recognized by the University.  Make sure you reach out to several &quot;famous&quot; like you would in a job search. Be politely dedicated &amp;amp; focused on reply; don't wait days.  The last thing you want to do is show up empty handed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will also help you career network for your future graduation.  You may even impress someone enough they offer you a REAL job you can keep after graduation, instead of the frat thing.  Sometimes competition is fierce in student positions if money is attached to the position.  This is why as a senator, I always voted for the work to be provided voluntarily.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also try to involve the 3 you would be working with under the position if possible.  It shows sincerity &amp;amp; initiative for team building to talk with those who are managed to ascertain their ideas how they would improve the performance of the last officer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps, at the end the 5 minutes of gusto go off with bravado and toss candy appropriate to the season.... Oddly this sweet treat actually works because it is about the lingering memory &amp;amp; a candy wrapper in their pocket as a good reminder... Possibly some ladies from the sister sorority can assist in passing out the treats outside the presentation area as people arrive.  This helps if your name is on the candy.  This as well can be great networking for your personal life and others should the election not go your way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the idea is no expenses, just lots of effort.   Good Luck! Thumbs up for continuing to get involved and find your niche.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11904" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T15:49:13.807" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9595" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9599" CreationDate="2018-01-25T15:49:27.587" Score="54" ViewCount="9495" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a long history of skin issues, including several different types of cancers. As a result, I see a dermatologist very frequently to have potential areas removed. Because of this, I have become very proficient at tracking certain moles to know when they become a concern, as well as visually determining when a biopsy will most likely be necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leads me to my problem that has been dwelling on me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately, at the gym, I have become casual friends with another member who will talk to me on occasion. Definitely not good friends, but just casual. Over the last few months, I have notice a very dark mole above his eyebrow that has become larger in a short period of time. Based on my experience, this raises a lot of red flags and even though I am not a doctor, I am fairly confident that this is something that needs to be checked out by a professional. It has the looks of something bad. To make matters worse, it is apparent that he uses tanning beds, which is an obvious increase in melanoma risks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really want to tell him to get it checked, but I feel like I am severely overstepping my bounds since I am not a doctor. Of course, I have to assume that even when doctors are out in the public, they cannot point these things out due to legal reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How in the world do I tell a near stranger about a concern like this?? Obviously I will feel awful if I don't say anything and it turns out to be something bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6061" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-04T13:56:41.243" LastActivityDate="2019-03-04T13:56:41.243" Title="How should I tell someone about a potential medical issue?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-01-25T15:53:09.487" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've worked in companies that had strict appearance policies from dress code, to hair style, to even shoe style. Such policies are standard in client facing or customer service businesses. I've handled these types of situations often from the position of a front-line employee ranging to senior management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best course of action in a professional setting, especially one of a team, is for the manager or team leader to &lt;strong&gt;issue a new policy&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;em&gt;This is your manager/leader/supervisor's responsibility.&lt;/em&gt; The manager should make it known that this new policy encompasses the entire team and that it is not meant to point fingers or put a spotlight on anyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The policy should include: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;a brief vision statement, from the company or manager, about what it hopes to achieve with this enforcement,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;reasons why it is being enforced (concern for negative impact on company image, client complaints, etc.), &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;bullet points of what the expectations are (suit and tie, closed toed shoes, no baggy pants).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;and lastly, a deadline for when the policy will be strictly enforced. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your manager will not shoulder this burden, then you could &lt;strong&gt;meet with your team&lt;/strong&gt; (including Bob) and request that they collaborate with you to create a new policy among your group. Cite the reasons you've previously stated (company image, client complaints), and perhaps that there have been some concerns from other team members or rumors from management that you all need to improve your appearance as a team. Make suggestions or brainstorm what the ideal team member appearance is and get a consensus from everyone. This will hold everyone accountable, including Bob. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Draft a document and have all the team members sign it. Although this document may have no regulatory standing in your organization, it makes an important impression on your team members mentally. The act of signing the &quot;team's appearance policy&quot; will ensure that everyone is accountable. I'd recommend informing your manager if you decide to pursue this course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is to &lt;strong&gt;avoid singling out Bob&lt;/strong&gt; and show him that you're in it together, &lt;em&gt;as a team&lt;/em&gt;. If he has the support from the rest of his team and sees that you all need to improve your appearance together, he will quickly comply, especially if he is young and eager to impress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11156" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T15:53:09.487" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-25T15:58:09.403" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't control your friend's actions. No matter what you say there is a real risk that they will drink to excess at the campsite. Whatever you say be sure to have a plan about how to handle them if this happens. Preemptively taking their keys may be a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably best to not single your friend out in particular. State to everyone who will be attending &quot;While moderate drinking is acceptable we aren't here to get hammered. Keep this in mind when purchasing alcohol for the event.&quot; The goal is to frame this as an announcement to everyone, and an expectation of how to behave instead of singling anyone out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continue to be a problem after a broad request like this, you're going to need to single them out either to admonish their behavior or to let them know that they're not welcome at future events. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T15:58:09.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9595" CreationDate="2018-01-25T16:01:43.203" Score="85" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a tricky situation but ultimately can be a matter of life and death.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will recommend you to &lt;strong&gt;tell him.&lt;/strong&gt; Since it is a health related topic. Bottom line is that you can save someone's life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should explain why you are alerting him. Of course, since the person in question is just an acquaintance, &lt;strong&gt;apologize for the indiscretion&lt;/strong&gt; of what you are about to say. You never know how the other part is going to react and preparing him for it is always a nice thing, while keeping it serious. Now, onto the real message:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him about your medical history and with this in mind&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point out why you think that his mark is a red flag, even though you are not qualified for it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just hope it's nothing serious and save yourself from a possible lifetime of remorse and rewarded with peace of mind for telling him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6520" LastEditorUserId="6520" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T12:23:32.000" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T12:23:32.000" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9595" CreationDate="2018-01-25T16:10:06.683" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;An easy way to begin the subject is just to bring up your own experience. Don't talk about &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, talk about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: How was your week?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Quite busy actually, I saw the dermatologist&#xA;  because I've been having some high-risk moles checked out, I had one&#xA;  here (points) that had to be removed. Did you know that if they change&#xA;  a lot over a short period then that's a sign of danger?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: Oh, I didn't know that!...    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This brings up the subject in a natural way that isn't immediately invasive. It's possible that they're actually seeing someone already about it, or have had it checked out. This allows them to naturally respond with as much information as they are comfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say they've seen someone already, then you can rest easy. If they say that they've never been before to a dermatologist, or never thought to go, you can encourage them to in a general sense. &quot;Oh, you should, they recommend that everyone go every x years to get their skin checked out&quot; (Whatever the recommendation is. Usually it's every x years over a specific age).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T16:10:06.683" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-25T16:17:53.427" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't want your friend's boyfriend to drink in excess, then nobody else can. I think that's just basic fairness principles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can mention to your friend that you don't want anyone to get carried away with the implication that you've said this to everyone else in the group. Perhaps include an incident you experienced with another friend as an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope nobody gets crazy at the festival this weekend, I just don't&#xA;  want anything bad to happen. Remember that time that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can put her in charge of telling the rest of the group members not to get carried away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, could you do me a favor and let everyone know not to get wild at&#xA;  the festival? I just want everything to go smoothly and prevent any&#xA;  mishaps or have people go missing. I would do it myself but [insert reason].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If those don't work for you, there are other options (edited):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;break off into smaller groups (2x2, 2x3, etc.) that way he won't have as many people to &quot;get crazy&quot; with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he starts to go overboard, openly announce that he's too wild for you (you could say this light-hearted and jokingly) then leave your friend and her boyfriend to enjoy each others' company.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11156" LastEditorUserId="11156" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T16:09:58.520" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T16:09:58.520" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-25T16:58:26.857" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;People that get really drunk often have a drinking problem. If his drinking is out of control then asking him to control it will do no good.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking everyone to not get really drunk is not going to fool anyone - in a way it is public shaming.  It may be better to handle this privately.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though talking to him (or his girlfriend) is not likely to work you should still have the talk.  Next time if you want to exclude them you can say you asked for him not to get drunk and he did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not worry about imply he will get drunk.  If he drinks heavy he is going to drink hard at a festival.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T17:30:04.510" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T17:30:04.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9595" CreationDate="2018-01-25T17:02:51.287" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find that &lt;strong&gt;leading with a question&lt;/strong&gt; rather than a statement works better for casual acquaintances.  Open with something like &quot;hey, are you aware that that mole above your eye has been growing?&quot;.  It's always possible that he does and he's already planning to take care of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he responds with something like &quot;eh, why does it matter?&quot;, then you can &lt;strong&gt;share your experience&lt;/strong&gt; without coming across as pushy.  Say something like &quot;when that happened to me it turned out to be skin cancer; I'm really glad I had it checked right away so they could treat it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point you have made him aware of (a) the condition and (b) its severity.  Maybe he'll ask you questions, and if so you can talk about treatment, risks (that tanning bed), finding a doctor, and whatever else, but if he doesn't ask, I wouldn't push.  You see him regularly and this isn't something he needs to do &lt;em&gt;today&lt;/em&gt; (just &lt;em&gt;soon&lt;/em&gt;), so let him lead the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T17:02:51.287" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-25T18:05:13.310" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;You asked &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I politely say to someone that they can't get really drunk at&#xA;  the campsite?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but also &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I politely tell her that her boyfriend can't get really drunk with our group at the site without implying that it's something he'd do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which are quite different questions that highlight the horns of the dilemma you find yourself on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Horn 1: You have had enough of the boyfriend (let's call him Bob) and you can hardly face the thought of him bringing his essential Bob-ness to your camping party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Horn 2: You really enjoy the company of Bob's girlfriend (let's call her Alice) and can hardly face the thought of offending her and/or risking excluding her from the camping party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the path you are trying to follow is stopping Bob from indulging in Bobbishness so that you can continue to enjoy Alice's company. You are hoping that asking Alice in a suitably inoffensive way will achieve this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see at least several potential flaws in this approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To directly forbid a behaviour ('can't get really drunk'), then there has to be a sanction you can impose. If you don't have a sanction, you can't forbid behaviour. Would you be in a position to have him ejected from the camping plot if he did not comply? I suspect not. Would an ultimatum of future exclusions stop Bob reaching for another brewski in the moment? Again, I suspect not. So you have no effective sanction for keeping Bob off the Booze at the camp.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you managed to successfully convey to Alice that Bob really mustn't do the thing that you all know he's going to do, without implying that he might do it... could she do anything about it? &lt;em&gt;Would&lt;/em&gt; she do anything about it? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have speculated in comments that Bob is an alcoholic, and even if not your experience seems to be that he will always drink and generally to excess which is a problem for the rest of the group. You could say that he has a negative social value. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Alice &amp;amp; Bob' have continued to be included in your social events because Alice's positive social value has insulated them as a couple from Bob's negative social value. Socially, there have been no consequences for Alice as a result of introducing Bob to your social circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, some thing which might make a difference to what you try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does the whole group feel the same about Alice and Bob?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does Alice seem at all bothered by Bob's behaviour, does she give any sign of understanding that it's a problem for others?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if the answer to both is 'yes', or possibly even if just the first point is a 'yes', it may be time to risk offending Alice. You can't really ask her to make sure Bob doesn't drink too much, if everyone is pretending that Bob doesn't always drink too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming Alice &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; understand that Bob is/has an issue, consider an approach that a) treats Alice like an adult who isn't daft, b) sets out that enough is enough and c) offers an option for this event which doesn't rule out future inclusion AND solicits her opinion on the problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, I know Bob's your boyfriend and all that, but seriously...&#xA;  everytime he shows up he gets drunk and it causes a problem for other&#xA;  people, we all know that. I really don't want this camping party to become &#xA;  just the backdrop to another one of his shenanigans. Do you think he &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; keep the drinking down for this gig, or would we be better not inviting him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Alice &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; understand that Bob is/has an issue, then it might be time to be the true/critical friend who breaks that news to her before she starts wondering why no-one invites her and Bob to the cool camping parties anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, I know this might be tough to hear, and I know how into him you are.... but as a friend, I gotta tell you... Bob's a mess. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and if she doesn't throw an ashtray at your head for the very suggestion you can then start to talk about how she's doing, whether Bob gets it.. etc. etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still don't think Bob’s negatives have outweighed Alice’s positives, your other option may be to see if the whole group are willing to adopt a babysitting strategy where you &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; actively gatekeep the alcohol all night and double-team each other on keeping Bob entertained and distracted all night to limit his drinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL:DR&#xA;if Alice is a good enough friend that you want to keep her around despite Bob, &lt;em&gt;be&lt;/em&gt; a friend and talk to her about the reality of Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T21:06:25.690" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T21:06:25.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-01-25T18:31:07.887" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Friendships and relationships change naturally over time due to individual lifestyles, schedules, and commitments. Although you have done a seemingly good job adapting, you have to accept it's new dynamic or limit how it affects you personally. As opposed to complicating the issue by adding other factors be clear and direct with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a &quot;her&quot; issue in terms of functionality, but the irritation is a &quot;you&quot; issue. Go into the conversation with this standpoint, lest you put her on the defensive which absolutely have negative implications on your friendship with Tom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Summer, I'm not sure if you are aware of the implications your last minute changes or cancellations to our plans have for me, but I am getting to the point that I am hesitant to continue doing so with you and Tom. It's becoming an issue for me with incurred travel and time costs or not being able to make other arrangements for myself during my free time. It may seem silly, but it's starting to make me feel irritated or that I should withdraw. I know that will hurt my relationship with Tom and even with You, so I want to avoid this because you both are important to me. That being said, could you please keep this in mind as we are making future plans, only to commit if you wholly intend to follow through? If you aren't sure, that's ok! Just say so and we can figure something else out.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She loves Tom. You love Tom. You both want him to be happy.  Make this about your relationship to him and how you need her help to avoid it being negatively impacted. Positivity and proactivity will leave the ball in her court without creating friction. What she does from there is a whole other issue, but that wasn't your question :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of Luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11898" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T18:31:07.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-25T18:49:32.700" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a great story already to help you with this - you've ended dating relationships due to your desire to not have kids.  When the issue arises or when you start it, you can add&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TOPIC OF CHILDREN STARTS&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want children and I've ended a few dating relationships where I really liked the person (if true) because they wanted kids and I did not.  I liked them a lot (if true), but this isn't a position I'm willing to change ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sends a clear message.  If someone thinks they can change your mind, I don't think any message is going to get through to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On this point:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, the record is 6 dates before the date will inevitably say something along the lines of ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did miss this - &amp;quot;record&amp;quot; as in the &lt;em&gt;latest&lt;/em&gt; date they mention it or the &lt;em&gt;earliest&lt;/em&gt; date they mention it?  To avoid dating a long period before having this conversation, bring it up as early as it makes sense.  Any topic related to children can easily be directed to a conversation about not having kids ever.  Same with future, such as &amp;quot;I've always seen myself as ...&amp;quot; Make sure to add that you've ended relationships because of this when people tried to change you or thought that you would change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11791" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T18:49:32.700" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9595" CreationDate="2018-01-25T19:02:54.250" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell him.  Apologize for it, give him enough information to indicate you have some experience, and let him know.  Then don't bring it up again unless he brings it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know we're not close, and this may be overstepping bounds to bring this up, but I have a lot of experience with skin disease and I've noticed a mole growing over your eyebrow which has several signs that suggest it requires medical attention. I'm happy to talk with you more about it, but I don't want to overstep any personal boundaries, I mainly wanted to encourage you to see a doctor about it asap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then see if where the conversation goes.  You've given him critical information, you've indicated that you're happy to talk about it more, but that he'd have to continue the discussion - you're not going to force it beyond what you've already done - and you've kept it short.  Whether he takes your advice or not is up to him, and the hardest thing for you will be avoiding asking about it in the future, particularly if he doesn't take your advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T19:02:54.250" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3475" CreationDate="2018-01-25T19:16:43.330" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You won't be able to completely eliminate people asking this question. But you can minimize the effect it has on your conversation and feelings. And in particular minimize how often some people are likely to ask the question on a &lt;em&gt;repeat&lt;/em&gt; basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the best reply to discourage the topic is to cheerfully say something like &quot;when I find the right person&quot; or as you have a girlfriend &quot;when we are ready&quot;. To discourage further discussion say the same thing each time asked, be cheerful, that is don't show obvious annoyance or exasperation at the question. And do not elaborate. Just answer as if it's of no particular concern to you and then change the topic. If they ask again, give them the exact same response. Most people will quickly perceive that it's unproductive to keep asking as you give them no purchase or traction to pry further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people will pry more if they feel you are avoiding an answer or are sensitive about the subject. Conversely most people will refrain from asking over and over again if they feel that you are unlikely to change your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you realize this you should feel less stressed about the issue. Also try to realize that many people do not mean to offend or pry, it's just a common topic of conversation. Harder is when you know certain people really mean to pry and want you to discuss the topic. But this is also where giving the same answer each time and then changing the subject will work best in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of us can do this with complete effectiveness all of the time. But affirmations and a positive attitude can remove most of the stress around the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T15:57:44.143" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T15:57:44.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-25T19:38:50.983" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of ending friendship, consider asking for a time-out period.  That will also be hard to do and it will feel rude, but the alternative is your own personal burn-out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain that your friendship/relationship is going too fast for you and you need a time-out.  For example, 2 weeks.  Explain that he's done nothing wrong on his side, but you need a break.  Tell him after 2 weeks you can likely continue or re-visit/re-evaluate your situation.  Tell him you are not shutting him out but you really do need the time and will speak to him again then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then do, shut off for those 2 weeks while you take care of yourself.  If he tries to contact you, either don't reply, or turn-off your messaging if you are/will be using any other more immediate social media.  Exception to that can be his first initial questions, i.e. any clarification that he needs to know.  Then lay low for a while until you feel &quot;normal&quot; again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have done the above once and it helped.  Shutting off instant messaging helped tremendously.  I didn't have the time to explain myself though I was so overwhelmed I just shut off my messaging for him, which threw him for a loop and I had to pace myself and explain what's going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11923" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T19:38:50.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8129" CreationDate="2018-01-25T20:08:20.710" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This reply is reinforcing that the first reply is a very good one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a conversation that would be best done in person or by phone. But even if you can only do it by online chat or even email the best &quot;bridge building&quot; will be by jumping right into the topic, be candid about your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't minimize what happened or approach this indirectly. After an initial greeting or a little small talk jump right in. Say something like &quot;I want you to know that I said something stupid. It was a bad joke that I really didn't mean and you are always welcome to return or be a part of...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to gauge if your friend felt seriously hurt or offended - his move may have had nothing or little to do with what you had said. And he still interacts with you to some degree. But just in case it was a big blow to him, it's best to broach the subject candidly and make it clear that you think well of him and didn't intend to drive him away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend, who may or may not have been really offended may put this behind him immediately. Or it may take some time for him to reach out in turn. Say your part and then give him time, if he needs it, to let the friendship rebound.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T20:08:20.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-25T20:35:20.997" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question was oddly well timed. I was thinking about how I would handle the situation myself while I was at the liquor store picking up last minute supplies for the festival I'm heading to after work tonight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience there are two basic approaches to handling the insanely drunk...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be a &quot;drinking buddy&quot;. Drink with them, befriend them, and steer them away from destructive behavior. This is easier said than done, but drunks usually respond better to their drinking buddy than to someone scolding them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't really wanna drive anywhere yet, let's grab another drink...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can come, but I'm not babysitting. Pretty much a standard warning that you won't be taking responsibility for anyone else's drunken nonsense. Effectively you're saying that he's not your problem and you don't intend to make him your problem. When drunken nonsense ensues you just &quot;nope out&quot; and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh? That's unfortunate... I'll be over there...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There really isn't a way to keep a drunk from getting sloppy at a music festival. It's a bit like handing a kid a water gun at a pool party and telling them to have fun, but &lt;strong&gt;Don't get wet!&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know it's going to happen. You just need to decide how you're going to deal with it when it does. If you don't want to take the risk, don't invite people who can't handle themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T21:01:08.833" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T21:01:08.833" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9615" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-25T20:36:54.277" Score="6" ViewCount="1375" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother is 86, she has always been very independent and has lived alone since my father died more than 10 years ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently she has passed through a severe health problem and, though she will be discharged from hospital soon, she is considerably weakened, to the point of needing help to walk some steps to the bathroom. Doctors state that she absolutely cannot live alone at the moment, that she is going to need, not only home help, but also (almost) permanent attention, by someone able to perform elementary nursing care and ready to call emergency if needed. In particular, some episodes of shortness of breath are alarming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has already suggested that I can live with her, which is out of the question, not least because I like to live alone. So, there's a need to hire someone to live with her permanently. It's an affordable option that will mean a much less radical change of life for her as e.g. a nursing home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm struggling with how to have a conversation about this with her.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;How to start &quot;the&quot; conversation that ends with &quot;we are going to hire someone to live with you permanently&quot;?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4883" LastEditorUserId="4883" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T15:34:53.443" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T15:34:53.443" Title="How to tell my mother she needs permanent home help?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;elderly&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9615" CreationDate="2018-01-25T20:56:06.200" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't use &quot;I like to live alone&quot; as a reason for why you aren't going to be supporting your mother. That communicates that your likes supersede taking care of your mother. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead focus on how you're (probably) not a trained medical professional, how it's unfair to your mother to receive anything less than the best in medical care. If you're employed you're already going to need to hire someone to keep an eye on her while you're at work even if you are living with her and are doing nothing else besides taking care of her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start by getting her to accept that she needs care. Express a willingness to be involved with this care, perhaps by committing to attend as many of her doctor's visits as possible. Only after she's bought into the idea of constant care should you begin to discuss the logistics of this. You can't put your life on hold to care for your mother and if you can afford to pay a medical professional to be there for your mother her quality of life will greatly improve over what she would experience in your care. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forcing medical care on someone who isn't in immediate danger is a great way to damage your relationship. Approach the conversation by asking your mom what &lt;strong&gt;she thinks is best&lt;/strong&gt;. Be clear with her that you aren't comfortable being her primary caregiver, and that you aren't qualified to provide medical care. It may help if you offer to live with her for a predetermined amount of time (like a month or two at most) while you find a caregiver she gets along with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obviously assuming that you are fortunate enough to be able to afford to pay a professional for 24 hour care and aren't a medical professional yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-01-25T21:22:01.940" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T21:22:01.940" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9615" CreationDate="2018-01-25T21:01:15.227" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is tricky. She's used to her independence, change is hard, and it's a tough reality for her to face that she needs extra help. She needs to get used to the idea,and it makes a big difference how you present it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's perfectly reasonable as her son for you to be concerned about her health and wellbeing. And that's a good place to start. The best thing to focus on is your concern for her health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you want to ensure her needs are met&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you want someone there all the time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you want someone experienced with her condition who knows how to help her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you are concerned about your ability to perform this role.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm worried that I won't be there when you need me due to work/obligations/etc and I don't have the medical training to be able to help you, what if I don't know what to do?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give her a chance to get used to the idea, and then perhaps have a few potential candidates come around and meet her to help her for a morning and see how she feels. She may realise that having someone around to help her all the time isn't that bad. By getting her involved in the process she feels like she has a bit more control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T21:01:15.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9595" CreationDate="2018-01-25T21:01:52.883" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the way you've presented this question, you've convinced me that this is probably something worth pointing out. I also understand the sort of unitentional tracking of the size of his mole; you tend to notice when something changes size on someone's face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, both these things are hard to express face to face. If a loose acquaintence told me a mole on my face had grown, I'd be a little creeped out that they'd been keeping track of it. What's more, if someone told me they're &lt;strong&gt;&quot;very proficient at tracking certain moles to know when they become a concern&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; I'd be skeptical. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe you because you've given a reasonable explanation here, but it often takes too long do that in real-time conversation. So instead, I'm going to advise you do something I don't often endorse: I want you to lie to this man. Well, really I want you to fib. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should start conversation with something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, sorry if this is a little weird, but I had a mole that looked like yours removed recently; apparently the dermotologist thought it might be something dangerous (I don't know anything about skin, so I'm sure there's a better term here than &quot;something dangerous&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, so that's not &lt;em&gt;quite&lt;/em&gt; true. But you have had moles removed, and you do believe his might be something dangerous. I think the fact that yours haven't actually &quot;looked like his&quot; is pretty inconsequential (unless they have. In which case, great!). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The difference here is that you aren't trying to convince him you know all about skin conditions and you think his is dangerous. Instead, you're &lt;em&gt;telling&lt;/em&gt; him you've had a similar skin condition and a licensed professional said it was dangerous. There's no convincing necessary. Then, if conversation continues (which I'd assume it would), you can say &quot;yeah, it had been growing a bit, which is supposed to be a bad sign.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some strange reason, there are times when it's easier to convince someone of something by acting less certain than you actually are. I think this is one of those times. Perhaps it's because people only expect doctors to be so familiar with health, so when a sort-of-stranger tells them about it, they're skeptical. Once you've breached this skepticism though (with a similar account and an appeal to authority), you're pretty much free to share whatever information you want. You've passed the point where he can reject your advice out of hand, and hopefully bringing up the size indirectly keeps him from being creeped out and trying to disengage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, he may show no interest in getting it looked at, but I think at that point you've done all you can do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T21:01:52.883" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9619" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-25T21:03:35.580" Score="2" ViewCount="471" Body="&lt;p&gt;I, single woman, 34 years, in Mauritius, have been the victim of domestic violence and the authorities caused my dad and brother to stop their behavior. Deep down themselves, they have not changed but they know they will face consequences, so they are acting differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is social life. Events like wedding, birthday, funeral, dinner at relatives, I used to avoid all the going out with dad and/or brother. First what it used to be was that talks about domestic violence was taboo. When with people, I have to be presented according to them, keep smiling and showing as if I am very beloved. As such, I stopped going out with them. Then, there was a period when seeing authorities, court, doctors and recuperating myself, I was never at any wedding, birthday, funeral, dinner at relatives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, there are times I feel very lonely. Most of my friends are married and they have their life. So, no human interaction. Last time went to a birthday celebration for a cousin who returned from abroad after five years. In the presence of my dad and brother, I just fringe or crisp. I don't know how to describe that feeling when in front of my abusers. I just cannot enjoy. I feel disgusted when seeing them. At the party, there were people not recognizing me. Others were so happy meeting me, as if I have returned from abroad for some years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really need some social skills advice, how I can make friends and grow relationships or enjoy myself when my dad and/or brother are also at the event? Also, I don't want talks that I share, to fall in their ears. See, my cousin is his cousin. My uncle is his uncle. My aunt is his aunt. And will this ever change throughout my lifetime? They will always share the same network of people. When a relative invites a family, they also invite the whole family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please advise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11927" LastEditorUserId="11927" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T19:03:37.947" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T19:03:37.947" Title="how does one jump-start a social life in the face of abusers who are making it impossible to socialize within your tightest circle?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;depression&gt;&lt;taboo&gt;&lt;abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="13" ClosedDate="2018-01-25T21:17:51.660" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9621" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9595" CreationDate="2018-01-25T22:41:53.127" Score="5" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Why beat around the bush?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is one of the few advantages mano-a-mano friends have, just... say it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey man, you really should have a doctor look at that mole. ABCDEF - you know about that? Assymetry, Border, Color, Diameter, Evolving, Funny. They use it to score the &quot;malignity&quot; of moles. I am not a doctor, but after a scare with skin cancer I have met more than I care to. I advice you to check with one. Just looking out for you, pal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then just break the conversation if he doesn't reply. Message went through. In his hands now. Don't act weird next time you see him, act like it never happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't worry about losing a casual friend over such a small awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5494" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T22:41:53.127" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9615" CreationDate="2018-01-25T22:51:27.930" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've worked with the elderly and you're talking about one of the hardest conversations you'll ever have.  I've noted in Assisted Living that there are 2 kinds of residents: the kind who move in themselves, and the kind who are told &quot;Mom, this is where you live now&quot;.  The first are pretty happy with the arrangement, and the second are absolutely furious for anywhere from 2 weeks to until they have a medical emergency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you are a trained medical provider, you shouldn't be providing medical care.  Shortness of breath can lead to all kinds of complications to someone not trained in caring for that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best start to the conversation is to simply ask &quot;How do you with your activities of daily living?  Are you still having a hard time taking a bath/dressing/going up stairs?  How do you feel on a daily basis?&quot;  That will help gauge her level of denial and set the stage for the harder conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then is when you can lead into &quot;I understand you want me to live with you, but you need care from someone who is trained in medical care - which I am not.  I will keep visiting you, but we both know that we need someone who knows how to handle your shortness of breath (and other conditions, if any).&quot;  If she says &quot;But you can do that&quot;, say in no uncertain terms that you are not a trained medical professional, not equipped to handle her condition, and that you could do the wrong thing, leading to her injury or death.  And you can't live with that.  (Which I suspect is true)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may also be the time to approach the idea of Assisted Living with her.  If she's lonely, that will give her a bunch of others that she can spend time with, as well as Activities personnel, day trips, and other benefits.  She may fall into that second group I mentioned above, but they all did eventually turn over and realize that they had a good arrangement with people who could help them at any time of the day or night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T22:51:27.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9626" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-25T23:00:35.360" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of answers are very direct, and almost accusatory.  If that fits your personality then those may be a good option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you'd like to bring attention to the fact that this behavior is disruptive, while providing an out or face-saving opportunity for them you can assume good intentions and that they'd only be doing this if it were urgent.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they pick it up, fall silent, give them space to read their message and if they so choose, to respond.  When they return their attention let them know that you care about what they care about, with the assumption that it's urgent, and that you'd be willing to end the date early if they need to be elsewhere:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That must have been urgent, I hope things are ok.  If your attention needs to be elsewhere during our meal just let me know, I understand that things come up and we all have to prioritize.  We can always reschedule this date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then continue on with the meal.  You've set an expectation, that they would give you their attention except for something urgent, and you've implied the outcome if they are unable to provide you with their attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, you've done it without belittling them, and if they feel guilty it's internal rather than a blatant call-out. They won't feel the need to defend themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T23:00:35.360" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9478" CreationDate="2018-01-25T23:47:11.837" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Salespeople -- especially those making cold calls -- have been trained to take advantage of the politeness of their targets.  Do not allow them to take advantage of you; and do not be afraid to interrupt them when they try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I simply say &quot;Thanks, but I'm not interested&quot;. I'll give them a chance to say goodbye; but if they persist in their shpiel I just hang up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, more to the point, make sure to say &quot;Take me off your call list.&quot;  They're legally obligated to do so if you ask. (Whether they actually do or not is another issue of course....)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11940" LastActivityDate="2018-01-25T23:47:11.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9630" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-01-26T00:34:15.550" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honesty is the best policy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time that you are all gathered together and your planning something everyone needs to tie her down on the plans. And if she cannot stick to them then just politely disclude yourself from the situation. She will only continue to do it if you allow her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no reason to become heated or be rude when you discuss this with her.  Just explain how you feel and  the limitations of your abilities are and if she can't/won't make accommodations for everyone else's feelings and travel arrangements and or finances then you will just have to disclude her or yourself  from the festivities that you are planning. It won't take long of being discluded before I think she probably will be able to accommodate other people's feelings and or limitations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And who knows if she's that much of a control freak where she cannot bend a little to meet everybody else then you may just have to disclude her. And realize the fact that just that's how she is and that's the decision that Tom made and you just have to live with it. You can always plan the event by yourself and just inform her of where it's going to be and what the situation is if she wants to include herself then she's able to... do not allow her to plan or have anything to do with planning the trip or event.  and if you are invited to something that she has planned then let her know that you need some rock  dates and details and if she changes it then skip it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11944" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T05:21:15.027" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T05:21:15.027" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9632" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9692" CreationDate="2018-01-26T01:32:10.977" Score="3" ViewCount="7186" Body="&lt;p&gt;I sent an email to my lecturer asking for clarification about something however it has been a few days and he has not replied. Sometimes he replies to emails sometimes he does not. I need a reply fast so that I can start on some important reports as I got to submit them soon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I politely send a second email to remind him to reply to my previous email? I would like it to be formal too as the person i am emailing is my lecturer. I thought of just copy pasting what I wrote in the previous email in the new email and send however I don’t think that is the best way to do it. Please do give me some advice thank you so much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am unable to go to college as right now i'm doing internship and my office is far from college. Also, by the time i end work (6pm) and travel to college, my lecturer would have gone home. So, there is no way to meet him face-to-face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7327" LastEditorUserId="11298" LastEditDate="2018-01-27T07:25:17.930" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T14:17:12.733" Title="Reminding lecturer to reply to previous email I sent" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;singapore&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9632" CreationDate="2018-01-26T01:38:22.433" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One trick that works well is to think of some sort of addendum, however small, that you could have added to the original message.  You can then email back your lecturer by replying to the message that you sent, and say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear Professor,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I sent you this, I forgot to also mention that ______.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks again,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Susmitha&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives you the cover that you are adding new information, so you aren't simply emailing them to remind them of something that they have forgotten.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that still doesn't work after another day or so, I would next try to go to the professor's office in person to avoid seeming like a nag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T01:38:22.433" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3475" CreationDate="2018-01-26T02:07:23.350" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I normally do, when people ask me this kind of impertinent question, which happens a lot - in Indonesia - and no longer bothers me, now I have this approach, is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;make something up&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they ask, I just go into a flight of complete fantasy and free-form around their question. Usually this continues for quite some minutes until it dawns on them that I am joking or their mind eventually goes off on another tack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other thing I do, is start asking &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; questions. As early as possible. Straight away. Interrupt them - and ask. Questions. All sorts! Impertinent ones! The same kinds of questions that... they are asking - you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It creates kind of an hilarious pantomime which hopefully may offer you a solution and also, some entertainment - rather than excruciating social outcastdom of cringingly trying to hide your private life. You won't be doing that, any more!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It certainly shifts the energy of the discourse!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q. Are you already married?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A. Oh Yes! I am! I've been married 5 times! This week! Once to a coalminer and three times to a bus conductor! How about you? Do you have any children? Oh really? Where's your partner from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q. Do you have a partner?&#xA;A. Oh yes! I have several! Well, about 15! Can't remember them all! Some I met just this week! At my knitting class! How about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;? Do you have a partner? What's your favourite thing, about them? Are they handsome/pretty? Do you have kids? What do you normally eat for lunch?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can get as silly as this as you like, and it really can be fun!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...The odd thing is, that often, I do end up having a meaningful conversation, using this approach! I suppose it breaks through some boundaries...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember to be zany, outlandish and outrageous! Because really, what we are doing here, is taking the fear, of 'being socially unacceptable' and diving right into it! Playing with it! Going there - first! Saying things that we don't usually say. Being - socially unacceptable. So then, you don't need to be afraid of being that - and - it is you who are in control of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that - you do not have to answer other peoples questions. And, you can answer a question - with a question to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a form of creative obfuscation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finding out that, half the time, people listen to only a quarter of what we are saying anyway...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11360" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T05:23:14.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-26T02:39:46.400" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He has a history of being a DD (designated driver) and then getting obliterated and trying to drive and I'm concerned he'll just be a mess and a jerk to all my friends who I'm introducing them too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is IMO the most important detail you provide.  What this means to me is that he either can't control his drinking or that he is extremely irresponsible i.e. untrustworthy and foolhardy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this guy can't follow through on not drinking when he is the DD and will then risk lives and jail in order to get drunk, why would you think he would follow through on a promise not to drink too much at a music festival?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's tough advice but either you do nothing or have a frank conversation with your friend about the boyfriend. He has a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1982" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T02:39:46.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-26T03:50:31.797" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of focusing on stopping a relationship, I am going to look at the &lt;strong&gt;overwhelming&lt;/strong&gt; aspect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you have friends, it will be very difficult to get new friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you can learn friendship lessons from the right kind of TV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic generation 4&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every single show has friendship lessons to be learned.  I know adults who should learn some of these lessons.  It may have originally been a kids show, but even as a fully grown adult I still enjoy it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact Trixie had some of the same anxieties and feelings.  However, she met another character who she wanted to be her friend, but ended up messing up.  However, another friend encouraged her to forgive Trixie and try again.  She did, and now they are best friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some ways TV is no substitute for real experience, but it is definitely better than having no help at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Brony and proud of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5629" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T03:50:31.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9638" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9595" CreationDate="2018-01-26T04:05:02.650" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you have regular, friendly contact with this person, it should be straightforward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tony, I don't know if you've noticed, but the mole above your right [left] eyebrow has changed recently.  Have you thought about having it checked?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a starting point -- you can adapt it to what feels comfortable for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a wrap-up of the topic, before taking your leave or moving on to another topic, a comment like the following might help normalize the topic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope you don't mind my bringing this up.  If I were in your shoes, I would want someone to say something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to listen (sympathetically).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T04:05:02.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-26T04:21:19.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Step 1: give your friend a chance to talk about the situation.  Through sympathetic, non-judgmental listening, you may be able to support her as she arrives at a sensible decision, e.g. attending on her own, talking the problem through with her partner, etc.  If she asks you how you feel about his behavior, tell her frankly that it makes you uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 2: find a couple of allies in the group so you won't be acting alone.  Pick just one to partner with you for the difficult conversation.  (Because more would feel like a firing line.)  Focus on his behaviors, not on the quantity of alcohol or his ability to handle or not handle his alcohol.  Use &quot;I messages&quot; -- e.g. &quot;When Barry doesn't carry through after volunteering to be a designated driver, I worry about someone getting hurt.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than kicking this couple out of the regular group activity outright, you could ask them not to attend the next one, to give them time to think things through.  As a sort of &quot;time out.&quot;  Make it clear that they are welcome to try it again at the following event, but also make you and your allies' expectations clear for all these events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use a calm, non-judgmental tone, and if possible find something positive to say as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to follow up with an email summarizing what was said (by both sides) in the meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T04:21:19.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9640" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9642" CreationDate="2018-01-26T09:29:00.567" Score="3" ViewCount="1577" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;All names and numbers have been changed to preserve privacy&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Backgound:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am looking for a place to live. The end of the month is close. I viewed a room in a shared house, and after thinking about it, decided it was good. I emailed the landlord and asked if I could have it. He replied:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Welcome to the house. You can send the deposit and rent to&#xA;example@email.com.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The deposit is $400 and monthly rent is $800.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll try and finish moving my things upstairs by tomorrow before my&#xA;flight. You should be able to start moving in this Friday if you want,&#xA;at no extra charge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sincerely, Eric&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then realized that I did not 1) have Eric's phone number or 2) know his last name. I did not feel safe giving him over $1000 without knowing this information so I sent him another email asking. Eric did not reply, and knowing he was going to be away the next day, I thought I would go over to the house (the landlord lives in the same unit).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I knocked on the door about 7pm. Someone I hadn't met answered the door (call him Liam), and said Eric wasn't home. I introduced myself as the new roommate and asked if he had Eric's phone number. He said he didn't have Eric's but told me his last name and to look him on Facebook. I left, and shortly after got an email from Eric saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what you did but you made my current roommate and his&#xA;girlfriend super uncomfortable. I'm at work right now and received&#xA;messages in no uncertain terms that he does not want you to move in. I&#xA;have to cancel our agreement. I will not be cashing your deposit and&#xA;rent. Good luck on finding a place to live. Eric&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very upset. I don't know what happened. &lt;em&gt;I'd like to emphasize the point that when Liam answered the door, we were all about business and had no conversation about personality or opinions.&lt;/em&gt; Moving is a lot of effort and I thought this was a done deal.  I sent Eric another email asking for an explanation and he replied&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never said I was going to be home so I don't know why you showed up.&#xA;I'll get the full story when I get home. Regardless I cannot have you&#xA;move in. I would have my roommate move out immediately. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What could I have possibly done for things to end up like this? What could I have done better? These people are in there 30s and seemed mature. If I really did do something offensive, I would like to know so I can stop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am planning on sending  Eric a message. Does the following look good?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could you do me a favor and let me know how I rubbed Liam the wrong&#xA;way? I got no sense anything was wrong and would like to know for the&#xA;future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11955" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user11955" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T08:56:44.723" Title="Planned to move into shared house but not allowed when someone alleged I made them uncomfortable (adults)" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-01-26T12:09:01.433" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9642" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9640" CreationDate="2018-01-26T11:06:38.593" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Eric is a businessman. He receives money from rent and while there is a 'human element' at the heart of this story, he just wants to receive rent. If Liam is his existing tenant and pays his rent on time then Eric is going to have some loyalty to him. If Liam puts pressure on Eric not to let you move in, then the businessman is not going to gamble a sure income of rent against an unknown quantity (you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the information you give about your exchange with Liam, it sounds like he had no good reason to feel uncomfortable. But even though you wanted to make this place your home, at the time of your exchange with Liam &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; saw the visit as necessary to a business deal, whereas &lt;em&gt;Liam&lt;/em&gt; sees that place as his home. So while you thought it was perfectly reasonable to call and ask for the landlord, and perhaps to ask for information on how to contact him (as perhaps you would ask a businessman's secretary), Liam clearly perceived it differently. He saw it as an unsolicited call to his private residence by someone asking for information on his landlord. Your worry over the urgency of the situation may have had an impact on your speech and conduct during this exchange and this may also have influenced how Liam felt about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you did wasn't wrong, but Liam's perception of the event was different to yours and unfortunately it seems his view is more important to Eric.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you had been more patient with Eric, waited for his email, then this may have gone differently. But don't beat yourself up over it. Perhaps next time just wait for the landlord to do things at &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; pace and &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T20:28:52.607" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T20:28:52.607" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-26T12:50:57.967" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm surprised to refer to this on a non-programming SE site, but your question is a case of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/66377/what-is-the-xy-problem&quot;&gt;XY problem&lt;/a&gt;. You're asking about telling him to not drink (Y), but in reality you're trying to get him to not be a jerk (X).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself this: would you prefer him being a sober jerk, or a friendly drunk guy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Playing the devil's advocate here, I think asking to not drink at a music festival is a bit silly. Plenty of people drink quite heavily during festivals. While that may not fit well with your group of friends, it still feels jarring to try and make rules about others' usage of alcohol. It's much more relevant to address their behavior regardless of whether they're inebriated or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now of course you can't just single him out and blatantly ask him to not be a jerk, but it's relevant to realize that the drinking is tangential to the actual problem; which is rooted in his behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although you haven't really described what type of jerk he is, for the rest of the answer I'm going to assume that he's not malevolent, but rather socially oblivious, indifferent, or you guys simply don't match on a social level. If he is malevolent, you should simply steer clear of him as nothing you say will change his intentional behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Asking him directly.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the harder option, but the most effective when done right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your question, I infer that he's the only person who behaves like a jerk. Which puts you between a rock and a hard place:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you phrase your request in general to everyone, it comes across as restrictive and, unless your friends are aware of what you're doing, can cause your friends to infer you don't like their behavior.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you phrase your request targeted at him, he will feel targeted (because he is) and it will antagonize him. This can increase the likelihood of him being a jerk, or it can even blow back on your friend (his girlfriend).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt; you decide to approach him, make sure to not antagonize him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to him in private.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't assume he is going to be a jerk. Don't even use the word &quot;jerk&quot; (or any synonym).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't tell him what he &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; (not) do. Phrase it as a worry, rather than a rule.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can turn it around a bit, and imply that your friends are sensitive to energetic behavior (as opposed to implying he is the problem) or apprehensive of people they don't know. Even if that is not the objective case, &lt;strong&gt;he&lt;/strong&gt; will see it that way, so you're explaining it to him in a way that makes sense to him. Don't throw your friends under the bus, the goal is to avoid making him feel like he's the problem (assuming he is not malevolent or consciously dismissive).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Never imply that he is incorrigible. Address it as a minor problem that can be &lt;strong&gt;easily fixed and forgotten about&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I wanted to talk to you about the festival. I'll be meeting up with a group of my friends. You guys are welcome to mingle with us. But I wanted to give you a heads up: my friends can come across as apprehensive or judgmental when they meet new people. Don't worry, they're great guys when you get to know them.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Just try to not come on too strong, &lt;em&gt;(your friend, his girlfriend)&lt;/em&gt; and I don't want you guys to get off on the wrong foot, we'll all be there trying to have a great time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't matter that you implied that your friends are unusually sensitive (rather than him being annoying). What matters is that you pointed out that he must approach this social occasion &lt;strong&gt;with caution&lt;/strong&gt;, for everyone's mutual benefit (stressing yourself and your friend (his girlfriend) a bit more).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you focus on how he's the problem, he'll never see eye to eye with you. But if you focus on &lt;em&gt;incompatibility&lt;/em&gt; without blaming him, he may be more open to behaving cautiously to not cause an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Asking her instead.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems like a safer approach, though it's more prone to failure. At least, I assume that is the case, because otherwise your friend would've already successfully addressed this with him (or is she oblivious to his difficult nature?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is pretty much the same as above, but you have a bit more leeway in calling him out as the problem, because you're not talking to him directly. However, &lt;strong&gt;this heavily depends on whether she understands that he can be a jerk&lt;/strong&gt;. If she's aware of it, you can talk quite openly (but still avoid taking it too far).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If she is oblivious to his behavior, then you have no extra leeway compared to above. In that case, you risk antagonizing her by openly criticizing her partner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to her in private. Preferably not when he's nearby, even if out of earshot. If he's nowhere nearby, she may be more open to talking honestly about him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't assume he is going to be a jerk. Don't even use the word &quot;jerk&quot; (or any synonym).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't tell her what he &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; (not) do. Don't assume that she'll be his &quot;social caretaker&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Focus on &lt;em&gt;mutual incompatibility&lt;/em&gt; between him and your friends, avoid playing the blame game.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she does not know your friends yet, you can similarly turn it around a bit, and imply that your friends are sensitive to energetic behavior (as opposed to implying he is the problem) or apprehensive of people they don't know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Never imply that he is incorrigible. Address it as a minor problem that can be &lt;strong&gt;easily fixed and forgotten about&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm looking forward to seeing you at the festival. I'll be with my friends, but you're welcome to hang out with us if you want. I am slightly worried about [boyfriend] though. My friends are generally apprehensive of new people they meet, and I worry that they might get off on the wrong foot if he comes on too strong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would expect her to reassure you at this point. If she doesn't, and isn't oblivious to her boyfriend's difficult nature:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just hope it won't be awkward. Do you think it will be? Should I talk to him about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I'm expecting her response to be reassuring. And if she agrees that you should talk to him, you might be better off actually doing so (it implies that she won't be able/willing to communicate that to him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T10:08:30.100" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T10:08:30.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9645" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-26T13:32:43.363" Score="12" ViewCount="1835" Body="&lt;p&gt;It still seems to be common etiquette, at least in Greece (and probably in other countries as well) for a man to pay for the first date with a woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While some women do not accept their bill to be paid, there are other that seem to consider this nice, polite and even romantic. They are also expecting this behavior as it is the norm and the commonsense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While there are a few men that do not practise this behavior, the majority of those also consider this behavior as something polite, that is their 'duty' and something they ought to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This social phenomenon is not as common among school/university students as they are in lack of economic stability and independence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's baffling me as to why this phenomenon still exists nowadays, because I think some of the reasons for it existing in the first place have now vanished; e.g. women can now get an education and earn their own money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why is this social phenomenon still in practice if the original reasons for its existence no longer apply?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11962" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2020-03-28T22:56:35.167" LastActivityDate="2020-03-28T22:56:35.167" Title="Why does a man pay for the first date with a woman?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;dating&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-28T14:20:51.367" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-01-26T13:45:16.440" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are people in this world who see a problem and rush right out to... complain to their work colleagues without doing anything about the problem.  Clearly you are not such a person.  You appear to be someone who thinks things over, researches possible solutions, and is generally proactive (in a thoughtful way).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears unlikely your boss and your HR people will tackle this problem.  If that's incorrect, great -- problem solved!  If not:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I carpooled for a period of time with someone who was a bit awkward about some basic life things.  I had to spell some things out for him that I wouldn't normally.  It turned out fine.  Just &lt;strong&gt;tell Bob what you need to tell him, without making a big deal about it.&lt;/strong&gt;  Use the positive approach, for example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob, I've been doing this job for a few months/years/decades now, and I want to give you a tip that will help you be even more effective in this job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note the key word &quot;even.&quot;)  Use a matter-of-fact, non-judgmental tone and don't apologize -- just explain things to him, on the assumption that no one has ever explained these things to him, and that picking up on social cues is not his forte.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Clients get a good impression of the company and the work we're doing for them if we extend the concept of &quot;dress for success&quot; to include secondary things like hairstyle.  In other words, it's not enough to present with professional-looking clothes.  Professional-looking hair helps too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let that sink in.  Then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob, I have a nice hairstylist who makes getting a haircut really convenient and low stress.  I'm going tomorrow (Saturday).  Would you like to meet me for coffee tomorrow and go with me, check the place out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just one possible way of broaching it.  As long as you are your gentle, well-meaning self that I can see you are, you'll be fine. If you maintain your personal boundaries, it will be clear that this is not a romantic overture (and if were to misunderstand, then you could proceed to calmly tell him he got the wrong impression -- again, no judgmentalism, just give him the information he needs). Tips:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be discreet.  Don't talk to Bob about this in anyone else's hearing, and don't talk to your co-workers about how you handled it, due to the risk that your comment might get back to Bob in a distorted, hurtful way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you see an improvement in Bob, give him succinct, positive feedback.  Again, use a neutral tone and don't gush.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Once the haircut issue is resolved, possible next steps: washing hair more often, refraining from compulsive twiddling with hair during meetings with clients (here it may be helpful to make available a sampler collection of &lt;a href=&quot;http://fidgetwidgets.tumblr.com&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;fidget items&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a natural part of mentoring, and it will add to your karma.  Others will step forward and mentor you when you need it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note, the upcoming performance review wouldn't be a good place to talk about this.  Many people get quite nervous about performance reviews as it is, and also, since Bob is new to the job, and young, I suppose this may be his first performance review ever.  Better to help him prepare for a smooth ride.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-01-26T13:52:15.293" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T13:52:15.293" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9645" CreationDate="2018-01-26T14:13:10.710" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;The book &quot;Is There Anything Good About Men?&quot; By Roy Baumeister is a non-fiction, readable account of his psychological research, which I think will answer your question and provide many other insights. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, due to the biology of reproduction, males in most species (including ours) have always had to compete with each other for the chance to reproduce, but females almost never have to compete for just the chance. 95% of females reproduce, versus 50% of men (so some men have more reproductive partners than women do). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such competition among humans, once we advance to the point that women have a choice in their mates, the men must vie for the women's attention, and men pay to prove to the woman they are worthy providers with resources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before that point in civilization, men typically had to prove to the man &lt;strong&gt;controlling&lt;/strong&gt; the women they had the resources to support her and a family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Women do not compete with each other to see which ones of them get to reproduce; instead that is usually a given, they &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; reproduce if they want that (and often even if they don't), so their competition has been for the best providers; the best warrior, best genes, best provider, most financial resources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This dynamic is still in our psychology, only slightly changed by modern society and free women. Men &lt;strong&gt;still&lt;/strong&gt; compete to be chosen and free women &lt;strong&gt;still&lt;/strong&gt; feel they can choose from multiple suitors. And when they were not free to choose (as is true in most societies just a few centuries ago), their &quot;guardian&quot; still chose for them the best (in some sense, depending on the times and culture) of multiple suitors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer is, this is a one-sided competition and men are expendable; as Baumeister shows in his book. The next generation can be produced without most of them; by the best of men fathering children with multiple mothers. Men (and males in most species) play on a very tilted playing field and are at a severe disadvantage in reproduction; it is part of their edge to provide more than just a sexual partner, but also be a provider and defender and therefore preferred by a woman over other males.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clarification and slight Correction:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the &quot;Is There Anything Good About Men&quot;, p63: The author asks the question, &quot;What percentage of your ancestors were women?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, each baby has one mother and one father, so each baby's parents were 50% male. But some of those parents had multiple children, and not necessarily  always with the same partner. Every baby's parents are 50% male, but you cannot extrapolate from that to conclude that today's human population has an ancestry that is 50% male.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  The correct answer has recently begun to emerge from DNA studies, notably those by Jason Wilder and his colleagues. they concluded that among the ancestors of today's human population, women outnumbered men about two to one.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Two to one!&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  In percentage terms, then, humanity's ancestors were about 67% female and 33% male.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  [snip ... illustration ... if a man marries two women, and has a child by each, the combined ancestry of those two children is one male, two women: 33% to 67%) ... end of snip]&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Most people are surprised to hear that humankind today had twice as many female ancestors as male ones, because they thought it would be closer to 50:50. When experts hear about this, they are surprised too, but for the opposite reason: They thought the imbalance would be even more severe. That is, they thought it would be maybe 75% to 85% female. Probably it was more severe through much of history, and especially prehistory. In many animal species, close to 90% of the females but only 20% of the males reproduce. The way the human population has ballooned in recent centuries means that most people who ever lived are either alive today or were alive recently, and in modern times the rule of monogamy has spread over large parts of the globe. In past eras, when polygamy (one husband, multiple wives) was the norm, the reproductive imbalance would have been even more severe, &lt;em&gt;Hence whatever conclusions we draw about the differences between mend and women based on the two-to-one ancestor difference are probably understatements.&lt;/em&gt; If we had done this research even just a few centuries ago, the ratio might have been three female ancestors to every male one, or four to one.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  What does it mean that we are descended from twice as many women as men? It can be explained like this. Of all the people who ever reached adulthood, &lt;strong&gt;maybe 80% of the women but only 40% of the men reproduced.&lt;/strong&gt; Or perhaps the numbers were 60% versus 30%. But one way or another, a woman's odds of having a line of descendants down to the present day were &lt;em&gt;double&lt;/em&gt; those of a man.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Also, crucially, the majority outcome is different -- The most common outcome of normal life. Most women who ever lived to adulthood probably had at least one baby and in fact have a descendant alive today. &lt;em&gt;Most men did not.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[bolded emphasis mine, italicized emphasis in the original.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is the ratio that matters, 2:1, so 40% versus 80%, or 45% versus 90%, is all the same. The argument being made is simple: Men must compete much harder for a mate than women have ever had to compete, and this is reflected STILL in our psychology, our cultural norms and our individual and collective attitudes. For example, in the US Military, only 7.6% of Marines are women, and 20 of the 336 jobs in the Marines are closed to women. The women &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; join but do not. Most people still think of battle as a man's job, that men take such risks and women should not. The culture and attitude traces back to the simple biological facts of reproduction, and the disparity of how many children a man can possibly father versus how many children a woman can possibly bear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The upshot is that men must nearly always compete with each other to find sex, and to reproduce. While women, nearly always, do not have to compete with either men or women to find sex and reproduce. In a modern free society, nearly all women &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; have sex &lt;em&gt;for free&lt;/em&gt; whenever they wish with any of several partners, and reproduce whenever they wish. But only a very tiny percentage of men could do the same: Other than a few glib exceptions, such men are entertainment or sports celebrities, the wealthy or powerful: In short, those that seem to have &quot;won&quot; the social competition to become the elites of society. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Men pay for first dates, and most dates, because they are (subconsciously perhaps) competing for their date's attention against other possible suitors (whether they truly exist or not). When other men are present in a group that contains women, men may compete to pay the tab or bill check to subconsciously prove they are the better-off of the men, the most generous, the one with the most resources to ostentatiously expend (even if they are not). &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/best-tippers-survey.php&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Men tip well, more often, and more money,&lt;/a&gt; likely for the same reason: To impress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea that (nearly always) men must compete to reproduce and women do not have to, is backed by Baumeister (and others) in scientific studies, by anthropology, by genetics and by history, which all support common sense observations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="4898" LastEditDate="2018-01-27T15:57:42.523" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T15:57:42.523" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9478" CreationDate="2018-01-26T14:21:15.227" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually had this problem a bunch after getting hired for my current job. I fretted about just hanging up on them because not only was it rude but they would leave messages on my voicemail and I felt even more obliged to chase them up and politely decline their offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution was to change my voicemail to sound something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, this is [my name]. I am sorry I couldn't take your call right now. &lt;strong&gt;If you're a recruiter or similar then I am sorry to inform you that I am happily hired and not interested in a new role&lt;/strong&gt;. If you are family or friends then please text me and do not leave a voicemail. For all other enquiries please leave a message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The amount of recruiting calls I got sank dramatically over the next few weeks. When you can essentially automate rejection, the recruiters will take you off their system and you will get the calls less and less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you don't have to answer the phone at all when at work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11965" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T14:21:15.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9506" CreationDate="2018-01-26T15:11:33.463" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your most valuable experience is in having seen a number of elections come and go. If we think about what you saw in past elections we will also see the key to winning the position you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people, particularly at the college level where there are not rigid party lines do not make a cold, logical assessment of who would be better for the position. And even if they do, it's often not difficult to change their mind when they hear the speeches. Most people will go with their gut feeling, their impression of who they want to vote for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a little late to suggest that you join Toastmasters (or a similar organization) and polish your public speaking skills. But realize that speaking ability is important. If one candidate stumbles &amp;amp; messes up questions badly - that will weigh heavily against them. Usually there are not huge gulfs between candidates and the more enthusiastic, charismatic or polished speaker will have a decided advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can you do to tilt the odds towards you? You should do everything that you can. That means mobilizing as many friends or classmates as you can to generate some chatter and tell their friends that you would be great in this role. In particular, your friends should be there when speeches are made to loudly cheer and hoist some signs with your name on them (unless this is prohibited). Enthusiasm is contagious and people like to vote for the popular guy too, so it all helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Practice speaking a lot between now and then. Even if it's only reading from a book aloud to a group of friends to get as comfortable as you can speaking in front of others. Be as prepared as possible. &lt;em&gt;Don't&lt;/em&gt; write your speech the night before. Get your friends to ask you questions off the cuff and do your best to answer them so that you get used to thinking on your feet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to write a few thoughts, you shouldn't memorize a set speech but brainstorm with friends to see if you can have a few memorable anecdotes or a relevant story the fits in with your speech. A short anecdote or humour will help you connect with your audience. When you speak project as much confidence and enthusiasm as you can. And tell your class why you will be the best person for this position. Tell them that you are going to bat for them and that you are going to make this a memorable year for the entire class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know you, I don't have enough information to tell you how to precisely pitch your platform. What I am suggesting is that you enlist your friends to help you brainstorm, be well prepared and when you go to speak let your enthusiasm show and be sure to tell your classmates that you intend to succeed in making this a memorable year for them. If you do that with sincerity you're going to be in the thick of it &amp;amp; all but elected already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound basic or unoriginal but it is a proven format that works time &amp;amp; time again at colleges across the country. Think of the winning speeches that you've heard others make and I think you'll recognize some of these elements in those speeches. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you discover that you are up against some wildly popular classmate, don't give up, give it your all. Don't assume that someone else is too far out ahead or too good a speaker. He may stumble when you least expect it or come down with the flu at the last minute or you may simply make a better impression than you realize and carry the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just before your speech, take a few deep breaths, stretch if you can (unless you are in full sight of everyone) and visualize yourself winning. Give yourself permission to be awesome. This really works &amp;amp; will spike your confidence just when you need it most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have fun with the process. And enjoy the moment when you succeed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T11:07:19.597" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T11:07:19.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9645" CreationDate="2018-01-26T15:16:08.653" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a hard question to answer definitively; &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; a broad cultural practice started, became common, and endured is fundamentally hard to find evidence for, with conclusive evidence being harder still to come by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most plausible and proximate answer I can think of is that, historically in Western cultures, women often didn't really have access to money of their own. This would make it odd for there to be any expectation that she pays for a date, whether it's the first or the fortieth. Indeed, the custom in the U.S. even a few decades ago was for men to always pay for dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And for what it's worth I have encountered relatively few women over the last ten years or so that were willing to accept being paid for on the first date, and generally have insisted on splitting the check. So, at least in my experience and that of people I know, the custom is fading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to disparage Amadeus' answer too much (though I personally am very skeptical of evolutionary psychology as &lt;strong&gt;the&lt;/strong&gt; explanation for any modern, clutural behavior), but this explanation seems overly contrived and is not Occam's-razor-friendly. The connection between abstracted behaviors in complex social interactions and heritable genetic traits as expressed in number of mates (not even number of offspring!) may not be all that strong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T15:16:08.653" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9651" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9632" CreationDate="2018-01-26T15:31:05.927" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider your professor's point of view. He is a single person coordinating a multitude of students. He likely teaches more than one class, and has to track dozens, if not hundreds, of documents, emails, phone calls, etc. Your follow-up email should be considerate of this and convey that you understand his duties as an educator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let him know that you understand he's busy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask him to set aside a specific amount of time to respond to your previous email (I always use 2 minutes because who doesn't have 2 minutes to spare?).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Convey that you realize his time is valuable and that you appreciate his attention.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thank him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello Professor, you must be swamped so I'll keep it brief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm following up about my last email. I'm still unclear about [insert problem] and was wondering if you&#xA;  could take 2 minutes to clarify it for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really appreciate your help on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Respectfully,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Susmitha&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not copy and paste your previous email.&lt;/strong&gt; Doing so shows no follow-through and doesn't convey your current status on the issue. It could also be misunderstood as a duplicate email because technology is imperfect and messages sometimes get sent multiple times. This would be even more damaging to your issue if your professor had his mind set on believing that he already responded to your last email. If this were the case, he would just delete the duplicate email at first sight. How many times have we, human beings, been sure that we did something but then realized we didn't? We're imperfect too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any professional setting, you should always show a progression of the current problem. Be clear about conveying what &quot;state&quot; it is in and be direct about what resolution you expect or hope to achieve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11156" LastEditorUserId="12025" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T14:17:12.733" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T14:17:12.733" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9653" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-01-26T16:09:59.170" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hope that I am still in time because as a German I can tell that &lt;strong&gt;several answers here are inacceptable for German culture.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The social contract here is that once a person is accepted and he does not disturb others by dirt/hygiene/smell etc. etc., his clothing and style are &lt;em&gt;off-limits&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;including the company&lt;/strong&gt;. There is no &quot;company image&quot; to defend and the company has practically zero influence on what someone does outside working time. I cannot stress this difference enough. It is a remainder of two dictatorships that Germans really do not like something which could be judged as interfering. Walmart tried to incorporate US behavior 1:1 here and reaped well-earned fury. Naturally there are many branches like gastronomy and banking where grooming and style are expected and followed, &lt;em&gt;but if it is not, there is not much you can do&lt;/em&gt;. If you do not like how someone behaves or looks without objective reasons (dirt/smell etc.), tough luck.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/9646/2625&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; is even worse. As many know, Germans are often very...direct in their communication behavior and prefer honesty. Asking a man out for a coffee &lt;em&gt;means that a woman is interested&lt;/em&gt;. As we know now, the OP is not interested, but wants to manipulate him to fit the own expectations...&lt;strong&gt;this will really go down in a completely wrong direction&lt;/strong&gt;. aparente001, moving someone in a direction may succeed if you are friendly, like people and are &lt;em&gt;very capable of social interactions&lt;/em&gt;, but if the mentor is not adept enough or the person finds out what you are doing, the social status of the mentor with this person moves into the doghouse, if you know what I mean.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for the actual solution, the OP cannot do anything interpersonally &lt;em&gt;because in German culture it is not her business&lt;/em&gt;. It would be another thing if he asked for help or if he wants to talk about to increase his social profile, but as long as he does not ask for that, keep your hands away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ADDITION:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;AllTheKingsHorses pointed to the legal possibilities of the boss, but IPS is not about what people can do, but what is &lt;em&gt;appropiate&lt;/em&gt; to do. I try to explain. If you and and your boss start a working relationship, here in Germany you also start a silent, invisible contract. This contract says that your appearance at the interview &lt;em&gt;is ok for the job you are doing&lt;/em&gt;, otherwise you would have been rejected. This contract can only be changed &lt;em&gt;if there are objective or intersubjective reasons&lt;/em&gt; for the change, &lt;em&gt;opinions or the idea of an projected image are not remotely sufficient&lt;/em&gt;. So:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Has Bob's appearance triggered remarks or complaints from a customer?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is the success rate for every contract Bob negotiated too low in comparison?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that would be the case, I think the boss would have already intervened. Now it sounds that it is not the case, only that the OP does not like the outfit. And how do you get objective and intersubjective reasons? By speaking directly, brutally honest and asking &quot;Why?&quot; and getting an exact answer. Germans do not want to know what someone &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; think, they want to know what someone &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; thinking. If nobody complains or no failure can be detected, &lt;em&gt;there is no problem&lt;/em&gt;, talking about &lt;em&gt;firm image&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;professionalism&lt;/em&gt; is hunting ghosts for a German mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also the idea of fairness pervades German culture. If you set up a new contract (e.g. only suits at workplace), &lt;em&gt;everybody&lt;/em&gt; must adjust, including the boss. Singling out only one person is frowned upon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are also several other problems relating to German culture. Speaking negatively about your coworkers &lt;em&gt;behind their back&lt;/em&gt; is highly frowned upon (The people will normally know if it is only a short, specific rant and not a condemnation). It is also expected and seen as a sign of maturity that you always try to solve problems in a personal meeting before running to the boss. If now the boss really intervenes, &lt;em&gt;everybody&lt;/em&gt; will now know who is responsible for the intervention. If Bob is really having a good heart and tells under tears truthfully that OP &lt;em&gt;never said a word&lt;/em&gt;, the OP will suffer &lt;strong&gt;massive&lt;/strong&gt; social damage. Untrustful. Cannot handle problems. Backstabber.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastEditorUserId="8702" LastEditDate="2018-01-27T14:34:03.050" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T14:34:03.050" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9654" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-01-26T16:24:02.170" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Offending your friend by ending the the friendship in order to avoid the risk of offending your friend and ending the friendship is only something that deep anxiety could come up with.&#xA;You feel vulnerable and not in control of your own destiny because now this other person has power over you, to decide that something innocuous you might do is offensive and therefore punish you socially.&#xA;You can keep control by ending the friendship on your terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The better way is to keep control by accepting that while you can't control the other person or what they might do out of spite should things go sideways, that you are a capable person who can whether that storm. You already know you can survive without the friendship - that same courage can be applied to keeping things going and accepting the risks that things might fall apart and go back to the way they were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6323" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T16:24:02.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-26T16:41:19.593" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am sorry, I have been one of those friends. My good friend and roommate was dating a wonderful girl who did not want to have kids, while my friend did. We were all pretty young so I told him not to worry about it. People who want kids respect wanting kids as a deep-seated part of you life plan, but see not wanting kids as more of a fashion choice, like a shirt you can put on (and take off).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend learned the hard way: that is not the case, at least not for everyone. I don't have any good (quick) ways of getting that idea out of peoples' heads, but ultimately you are going to have to stick with like minded people at any rate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I encourage you to ask people about kids, and respect their answers. Ultimately I don't think you can come to a solid resolution on this with a person before you've been on a few dates, it's a big topic to tackle before a first date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are tells, and the way my friend treated his nieces and nephews was what finally convinced her that it wasn't going to work - he loved kids and was great with them. They finally came to the understanding that they were both dead serious about there position and were not going to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So get a feeling for what they want, and respect what they want, but ultimately it will still take time to sort through these things with each person, but as frustrating as losing weeks of time might be it's nothing like losing years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6323" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T16:41:19.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-26T16:53:02.020" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd approach the problem the other way round. Announce to everybody that while you want to go to the campsite music festival with everyone, you're going to keep it low key and if that bothers anyone, you're happy to split off from the group so you don't bother them (separate tent plots). You might even find one or two other friends feel the same, like you for the same reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sort of thing usually happens when you share two hotel rooms between a group of friends. The hardcore party goers usually naturally group together in one room, and the light party goers group together in the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if everybody does their best to convince you it wouldn't bother them and that you should all stick together, you'll have to decide between going it alone, or sticking with everyone. At least you'll know for the next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. Actually, I just re-read your question and get the impression that you and a group of your 10 friends are going, and you want to invite your girlfriend and her boyfriend who have never met your other 10 friends. If so, I'm sure your group of friends wouldn't disown you for a friend's boyfriend's behaviour. After all, you could just say, &quot;My goodness, I didn't know he was such a hardcore party goer!&quot;, and don't invite them again (unless your friends like him, or they have a calming influence on him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At any rate, enjoy the festival, and don't put your tent right next to theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11976" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T16:53:02.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9404" CreationDate="2018-01-26T17:36:43.717" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not likely that you are going to change his behaviour in general or with others. But you can still do a lot to keep a conversation on track when you are talking to him yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were talking about the bride at a wedding and he starts to go on a tangent or talk about something unrelated, simply pose a short prompt or clarifying question out loud such as &quot;.. so the bride didn't think that the prank was at all funny?&quot; or &quot;what did the bride do next..?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should be prepared to gently but persistently and probably frequently nudge him back on topic. The only practical way to do this is going to be with a lot of short interruptions. This may get some pushback at first but unless he gets so upset as to stop talking to you entirely it is likely to succeed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to be confrontational, actually make a particular effort to be polite and easygoing at first to ease the transition. You'll get less resistance if you don't point out that he is off topic or directly criticize his rambling. Instead just interject a question or comment about the original topic, essentially changing the conversation back to the original topic as unobtrusively as possible. As soon as he goes off track or changes the subject pop a question or encouragement into the conversation that directly relates to the &lt;em&gt;original&lt;/em&gt; topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't wait very long for an opening to do this, if he doesn't pause within a few seconds of going off topic, then talk over him if necessary to nudge the conversation back on track. He may not react well to this at first but (most people) have unplumbed depths for adapting to unexpected situations. If you consistently nudge the conversation back on track he will most likely push back a few times then more or less adjust to your &quot;course corrections&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to do this as if it's no big deal, as if you're just interested in his previous statement and asking him to elaborate on that point. You don't want to position yourself as an antagonist or make it seem like you are trying to control the conversation. You can do this, at least at the outset, by letting him do the most of the talking but you make short interjections whenever he strays off topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to interject fairly often with short questions or phrases that point back to his original thoughts when he strays. I've seen this work really well in the past. People can develop situational habits, that is stay more on topic with you than he may with other people. If you're lucky the nudging will also help develop his own ability to stay more on topic but there is no guarantee of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may have to frequently nudge the topic back on course with short comments on the original topic but it's worth doing to have a more coherent and sensible conversation with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T08:54:12.027" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T08:54:12.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9660" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-26T18:39:26.107" Score="4" ViewCount="840" Body="&lt;p&gt;I need some suggestions on how to constructively discuss mundane relationship issues with my wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And example to illustrate this:&#xA;I asked &quot;Sweetheart could you do the dishes more often?&quot; &#xA;Her response surprised me. She broke into tears and said &quot;You think I'm lazy!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She got really upset and I don't even remember exactly how I responded after that. I thought that I was making a simple request for her to help more with housework but she seemed to think that I was making a personal attack.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we discuss subjects like this in a more constructive and non-threatening manner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11981" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-01-27T09:27:07.990" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T01:29:29.100" Title="Suggestions on how to constructively discuss mundane issues with spouse?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9016" CreationDate="2018-01-26T19:06:24.190" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there any specific way I can phrase that request to convey I'm dead serious?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) First, get comfortable.  You might be able to step back or invite the person to take a seat somewhere in the vicinity.  But you might need to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water before saying anything about it, or you might need to wait and talk with them about it on another occasion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, now that you're comfortable, start with a prologue, for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know how some people are very touchy-feely and some people are more reserved?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pause to listen, in case the person wants to say something about this from their own experience.  Continue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm the opposite of the touchy-feely type.  For me, physical contact with people I don't know well makes me excruciatingly uncomfortable.  So, the best way to interact with me is through talking, listening, and looking.  I'm like the museum piece that you tell your three-year-old, &quot;This is for looking, not for touching.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The exact script is completely adjustable.  I gave you a sample script just as an illustration of the general approach I'm suggesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) Enlist the help of an ally or some allies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I understood correctly, the problem arises mainly  with people you don't know well, in public or semi-public environments.  If so, there will probably be one or more people in the vicinity who know you well, and who understand how important this is to you.  These people can run interference for you (help with communication with the pushy person) and provide moral support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) Consider finding a therapist trained in Exposure and Response Prevention.  The goal would not be to turn you into one of the touchy-feely people, but to make occasional unsought touching from acquaintances not be as impairing for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you're interested -- I wrote a bit about my son's experience with exposure treatment &lt;a href=&quot;https://academia.stackexchange.com/a/78073/32436&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T19:06:24.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9660" CreationDate="2018-01-26T19:27:41.490" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Different people taking different understandings from the same words is a very common problem. I had a great deal of difficulty with it myself when I first started my current job. One of my coworkers would give me feedback and then ask what I thought about it. In his mind, he was asking if I understood, but in my mind he wanted to know if I agreed with his assessment of my work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So what do we do about that?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to work through differences in communication is to talk about how you communicate. My coworker and I resolved our issue by going through each part of our conversation and talking about our thought process behind the words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our conversation followed this general pattern:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: When I said 'what do you think' I was asking if you understood where I was coming from&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: When you said 'what do you think', my first thought was that you were starting a dialog so that we could talk about whether or not that feedback was correct&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We repeated this for a number of conversations that we'd had over the previous few months where there was a misunderstanding. Overall, we spent a few hours dissecting our conversations and coming to an understanding of how each of us interpreted the words that were said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your wife doesn't always remember your conversations, I would recommend having this conversation within a day or two after a miscommunication happens. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, when I asked if you could do the dishes more often I meant that I felt swamped and needed help balancing all of my responsibilities. It was never my intention to imply that I think you are lazy, and I'm sorry that I did so. Could you explain to me what part of what I said gave you the wrong impression?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One very important thing to keep in mind during this conversation is the tone of how you ask about her interpretation. It's very easy to take the wrong tone and sound condescending about how she interpreted what you said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the very least, taking the time to try and understand how each other interprets the conversations you have will make your misunderstandings less likely to blow out of proportion. If all goes well you may begin to understand each other better and fewer misunderstandings arise. In the case with my coworker, we have learned enough about how each other communicates from these discussions that over the last few years our communication has gotten better and we've had fewer misunderstandings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-11T21:53:54.663" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9660" CreationDate="2018-01-26T20:01:59.483" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This kind of communication break down can be pretty detrimental to a relationship, so you're 100% right to look for help with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My ex and I had a similar style of communication breakdown. Half the time, using phrasings from the area we live in currently, he would be off in the completely wrong direction with what I said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, of course, was incredibly frustrating. Here's what we did to work on it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Write things out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we had issues with &lt;em&gt;very important&lt;/em&gt; discussions, we would step away and he would write out what he was trying to say. After he read over it to make sure it made sense, he would bring me this &amp;quot;letter&amp;quot; and let me read it with him in the room. This had two benefits, to my mind: First, I could not mishear him and he could not butcher his speech. What he was saying was clear and accurate. Second, if he still used phrasings that made no sense to me, I could ask him about it while he was sitting there without it getting in the way of my trying to read his core message. I feel like this facilitated more open and understandable communication, for both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain what you hear when someone says &amp;quot;x.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much like Rainbacon's answer, we went back after the incident and clarified things. For example, there were several occasions where my ex would go off on a completely different topic without giving me any indication he was discussing something different. Meanwhile, I was still discussing the original topic. Frustration ensued, and arguements were had. &lt;em&gt;Until&lt;/em&gt; I started pointing out, after realizing he was on a different topic, that he hadn't transitioned the conversation in any way. Likewise, if I did or said something that threw him off or made me difficult to understand, he explained what it was and how it came across. Unlike Rainbacon's answer, we tried to do this as soon as it happened so long as we were not in a heated argument yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Walk away, return when you're both calmer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're already trying this to an extent, but I include it for completion. Whenever we had any sort of misunderstanding or disagreement that came to an argument, one of us walked away and separated ourselves from the heat and anger. This allows us both to take a breath, cool off, and analyze what just happened. However, I had to make this strategy clear when I first started dating him. The first time we argued, I explained that I was going to step away and calm down, then we could discuss things rationally when we were both calmer and tensions weren't so high. Half the time, the follow up started with an apology from one of us. The other half of the time, we just brought a better willingness to listen and understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally, these won't work for everyone or every situation. However, they are a good starting point to rebuilding your communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, in your case, I would start with a conversation about communication. Sit down with your wife, and start similar to this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sweetheart, I've noticed in the past that when I say something, my meaning isn't always as clear to you as it was to me. My lack of clarity has caused at least a couple arguments or hurt feelings, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you with something I say. Can you help me understand where I went wrong with a few things?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has a few benefits. It starts off by not blaming her, instead placing the fault on yourself. This will show a willingness to negotiate and not just blame her for the problems, which might &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; help a bit with communication between you. At the same time, you lay out the problem clearly and request her help to understand what she understood and how to avoid these kinds of misunderstandings in the future. Depending on if you keep the &amp;quot;last thing I want to do&amp;quot; part or not, you also reinforce that you care about her and how she feels, which &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; hurts in a relationship. (Well, as long as you mean it. I think you do, or you wouldn't be asking this!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However you decide to work on this, &lt;em&gt;include your wife.&lt;/em&gt; Make sure she's part of the solution. Communication is a two way street, and if you suddenly start communicating differently without bringing her in on things... It may worry or upset her more than just not getting your point/thought across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-26T20:59:24.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-27T00:21:58.623" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, the simplest thing to do is to tell the girl that she is only invited on the condition that she keeps her boyfriend from making a fool of himself.  Remind her of times X,Y and Z when he got wasted, and no one was happy about it.  This might mean that she stays sober, so she can drive him home, if required. There is no way to get her to do anything differently unless you explicitly tell her what the problem is and what you expect of her.  If he can't drink without being wasted, &lt;strong&gt;he has a problem&lt;/strong&gt;, and that's her problem too so long as she's with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T00:21:58.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-27T04:10:27.157" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Positive reinforcement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://zitscomics.com/comics/january-22-2018/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/gZ0ow.gif&quot; alt=&quot;comic&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also positive comments like, &quot;I'm glad to be here with you, and would really like if we could both be present and appreciate this time we have here with each other; I'd like to get to know you a bit [and not just your cell phone].&quot;  Then ask a question to further stimulate conversation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this may repeat some other content, but the comic is just a few days old and seemed quite fitting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T14:41:18.340" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T14:41:18.340" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9668" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-01-27T04:20:06.993" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Anger can be either passive, aggressive (hurtfulness, threats,...) or assertive (blame, punishment, ...). Answers should take into consideration issue is with strong emotion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1644" LastEditorUserId="1644" LastEditDate="2018-01-27T09:26:26.550" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T09:26:26.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9669" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-01-27T04:20:06.993" Score="0" Body="Strong emotion about unfair, cruel or unacceptable state or behavior. To be used when question you are asking is dealing with anger of yours (in interpersonal context) or someone/something else." OwnerUserId="1644" LastEditorUserId="1644" LastEditDate="2018-01-27T09:27:12.910" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T09:27:12.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9670" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-01-27T04:36:44.843" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For questions pertaining to people who are fellow workers or professional peers. Colleagues may not share a workplace in cases of remote work and similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1644" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T22:17:14.163" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T22:17:14.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9671" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-01-27T04:36:44.843" Score="0" Body="For questions pertaining to people who are fellow workers or professional peers." OwnerUserId="1644" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T22:17:14.163" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T22:17:14.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9672" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9455" CreationDate="2018-01-27T05:13:21.677" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You really won't convince someone online with preconceived notions of how mature a teenager is by arguing with them, all you can really do is convince them of your security and composure. Don't let their incredulity cause problems, and with time they'll &lt;em&gt;see&lt;/em&gt; your maturity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;wait, really, are you sure you can do this&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Yes, I am sure&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While not a complete answer, to extend on the answer to a question posted a while back about responding to people questioning a relationship with an age difference, the general solution to people being incredulous about your circumstances is to not express the need to explain yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply saying yes or no to the question at hand, and refusing to entertain their suggested explanations as to why they your circumstances make a difference, tends to defuse their incredulity with your confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm not sure if I trust a teenager to be responsible enough for this.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm perfectly responsible with my capabilities, thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they push the argument, IRL, I would suggest taking it to another authority, but online, just stop the conversation, make your statements, and leave. If they keep going, ban them for harassment like you would if they were harassing anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2595" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T05:18:27.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9673" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9674" CreationDate="2018-01-27T05:24:23.840" Score="8" ViewCount="3323" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been dating my girlfriend for six months. She's a very nice person and always goes out of her way to make everyone feel happy and appreciated. She's kind no matter what others do/say to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's a fairly sociable person and our relationship is well-known. People often feel the need to give her their opinion on me/us. She usually ignores them and responds passively. However, this has crossed the line a couple times, in which other men have insulted me to her (over text), such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I've never liked your boyfriend. You should break up with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;(response) Surprise... and I don't really know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're way too good for him, he's a gross P.O.S. You deserve better, especially with that body.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;(response) Yeah I know. And thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I asked her about previous similar messages/chats, she said she was just letting them think she agreed to avoid confrontation and keep a friend. But I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who thought that way about my SO. Furthermore, I have no way of knowing that she was really lying to them; her texts did seem authentic and the people were convinced that she didn't have real feelings for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I just accept that we're different and that she'll tell others whatever they want to hear, while in reality she is happy in our relationship? Or am I right in getting worried about her reactions to their comments? I don't like her letting others walk all over me (or compliment her about her physical appearance, which just doesn't feel right).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I react in this situation, with the intention of continuing this relationship, but not at the expense of my self-esteem or having the risk of being cheated on? I love her but I don't want to be in a toxic relationship in which she goes behind my back and tells lies. What do I do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3023" LastActivityDate="2021-02-25T15:23:28.133" Title="How to react when my girlfriend allows others to insult me to her?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;texting&gt;&lt;self-esteem&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-27T09:14:22.290" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9673" CreationDate="2018-01-27T06:16:34.283" Score="8" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Be Honest&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When in doubt, just tell her how you feel about it. Let her know that while you love her, &lt;strong&gt;you don't appreciate it/it hurts you&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;sup&gt;(be vulnerable)&lt;/sup&gt; when she talks to her friends like that about you. Perhaps give her an alternate way of saying what she wants to say, which is avoid conflict. If she is reasonable, (and she sounds like a nice girl) she will understand and you guys can go from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8785" LastEditorUserId="8785" LastEditDate="2021-02-25T15:23:28.133" LastActivityDate="2021-02-25T15:23:28.133" CommentCount="0" CommunityOwnedDate="2021-02-25T15:23:28.133" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9675" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3761" CreationDate="2018-01-27T08:39:27.117" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people live to socialize.  To them, working, eating, and sleeping is just something they HAVE to do in order to earn their precious socializing time.  If someone like this HAS the opportunity to hang out, then that's what they'll do -- only stopping when real life gets in the way.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  (Have you ever heard them say Thank God It's Friday?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But some people, such as yourself, are goal-driven.  Socializing is fine as long as it doesn't get in the way of what you are trying to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll never convince these roommates you don't want to socialize whenever you can.  Just say no and go back to what you were doing.  (A milder form of this would be to say maybe later, or make an appointment for next week.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, they won't understand.  They never will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T08:39:27.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9678" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-01-27T15:35:13.863" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have already talked to my boss who also said it would be weird if he&#xA;  as a boss did it, then poor Bob will get scared to death.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a total cop out by your boss. This is exactly the type of thing your boss should be talking to a employee about as it's affecting his interaction with clients.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boss can't deal with telling someone they need to sort out their appearance for their role, then I'd suspect they won't be able to deal with any other issues effectively either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; In the UK at least (where I'm based) I believe an employee can be told they need to keep their clothing/apperance to company standards as long as those standards make sense in the role, and are applied to everyone equally. This may not be true in Germany.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="387" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T15:35:13.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9593" CreationDate="2018-01-27T16:28:04.653" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can ask someone to moderate their drinking but like all people, free will is involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question isn't asking about how to help your friend's bf with his drinking. You're more concerned he will become obnoxious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The invitation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's too late to rescind your invitation, you can only warn your friends. If it's not then the only way to avoid potential issues it to not invite the problem (aka the friend with the alcoholic bf). I know you don't want to exclude her but when you invite her, the bf usually is a package deal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The drinking&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If his drinking is truly as terrible as described then it is likely that she knows. And if she's blind to it then that's another conversation you should have with her in private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Through experience, I can tell you that if she knows and is not ready to face his alcoholism then all you can do is support her. Even when it feels repetitive. Like those with addiction sometimes even loved ones have issues dealing with it. She may become defensive due to denial or shame. We want to think the best of our loved ones. It took one final publicly humiliating event for my friend to finally say enough is enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The approach&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds as though you're close enough if you've already experienced multiple incidents with him.  When you're asking how to politely tell her that he can't get super trashed I think the better approach is to bring up the last incident with concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Friend], I'm not sure if you're aware or remember but the last time we went out, [Boyfriend] tried to drive drunk. Are you able to keep an eye on him and his keys? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This addresses the drinking issue without telling her what to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T16:28:04.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8285" CreationDate="2018-01-27T16:47:54.250" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;By the sounds of it, your stance is that you're wanting to proceed romantically with Jane, regardless of Bob's stance on the matter. As such, the aim here is simply the best way to break it to Bob. Is that correct?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, then I'd do this as early and honestly as possible. The longer you leave it or the more you try and talk around it, the more you risk Bob losing trust in you for going behind his back / keeping a secret from him until the last possible moment. And purely from a business PoV: He needs to trust you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Bob, I respect our friendship so want you to keep you in the loop. I've been hanging with Jane and we're considering dating. I appreciate this isn't the easiest thing to hear, but wanted to let you know so we can talk things through and make this as workable as possible for everyone&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to his response, see if you can do anything for him. Then, as Jess K said, give him space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately though, there's no approach that will save you if Bob loses it. If you don't intend to stop things with Jane for the sake of Bob... then be 100% prepared for that friendship (and business) to possibly go up in smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7866" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T16:47:54.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9681" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-01-27T19:16:37.340" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Context: I live in Germany and I have been your Bob in my past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you make a simple decision: Is it your business? If yes (because its hindering YOUR work, or similar) then be direct and say so. You may offend him, but that should not be your problem. He obviously has already been approached by people so it will come as no surprise to him that its bothering you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But keep the topic along the lines of your business with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, Carl Customer recently talked to me about the Project and he said he is very worried how his management will react if they see you. This could jeopardize this and I really want to have this Project. Could you, for this situation, see a barber? Its fine if you choose a non-standard look but it should look cared for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he wants to discuss his laziness or other stuff don't let it pass. If this is mandatory for the job, its mandatory for the job. No further questions asked, no exceptions. We're Germans, we have rules for a reason. Don't let that Startup Grit get in the way of doing proper business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find its not actually your business and you and your colleagues are not grossed out by him (If you are, say so - that changes stuff) then let it go. I can report that even though I looked run down and greasy I had plenty of friends, a stable job and a long running relationship in that phase of my life. Sure they are a different set then one finds who looks nice but its not your business - as long as you are not his friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I changed my looks primary because my then boss told me it was grossing out my colleagues. As I (and I'm sure Bob as well) don't want to gross out people I adopted a more clean (yet still non-standard) look and am living fine with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I have also met people who strongly dislike the feeling of washing their hair (due to tactile hypersensitivity). If Bob has this, its possible that he doesn't know. If you are (or become) his friend you might want to talk about it to him. If one keeps hair short, washing becomes surprisingly optimal, after about six to eight weeks the hair stops greasing constantly (what it did earlier because it was washed unnaturally often) and looks very unremarkable. Same goes for the beard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11929" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T19:16:37.340" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9682" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9595" CreationDate="2018-01-27T21:34:15.877" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm new and can't comment on the answer that I actually wanted to comment on. I think that it would be a mistake to &quot;lead with a question&quot;. If I were asked a question like &quot;hey, are you aware that that mole above your eye has been growing?&quot; I'd be extremely offended, tell you that it's none of your business and try to never talk to you again. It requires the person to give an answer about a defect in their appearance with zero indication that you want to be helpful. People can take it as you trying to make fun of them (and make a chitchat out of it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't do anything that &lt;em&gt;requires&lt;/em&gt; a person to give you an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can basically do what you want to do in under 45 seconds. Say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, there's something that I want to mention, and I don't want you to take it wrong. I have a history of medical issues with my skin—issues that developed into cancers a couple of times. So I have some experience with recognizing problems like this. The mole over your eybrow looks like something that needs to get checked out, just in case; I've noticed that it's been growing. I apologize if saying this is out of line. Just something that I thought I should mention. In a spirit of helpfulness. Now, how has that renovation been going?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(or whatever you had been discussing the previous time you saw him)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boom, done. You are offering an exit into a different topic. You've conveyed what you wanted to convey. You have not turned this into a freaking &lt;strong&gt;discussion of someone's skin imperfections.&lt;/strong&gt; And if he feels like it, he can ask you questions himself. Don't ask questions of him; that's intrusive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12025" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T21:34:15.877" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4918" CreationDate="2018-01-27T22:17:59.587" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do try to talk to him at the water cooler (or the equivalent, I dunno, office kitchen?) first. Say, &quot;Listen, %name%, I'm getting these emails about the code I didn't write. I really can't spend the time unearthing what this has been about; I've got too much on my plate as it is. Besides, it could get both of us in trouble. I have covered up for you this one time, but I can't do it, and I won't. I seriously want to keep this job, and what you're doing might be seriously against the rules.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this happens again after this conversation, then I'd say he is less of a friend to you than you thought, and it might not be worth to keep the friendship. I'm not saying you should escalate this into a conflict, but simply understand that not all friendships are meant to be, and not all of them are worth it. If he does it again, he is &lt;em&gt;knowingly&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;consciously&lt;/em&gt; getting you into trouble and leeching off your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, first this personal talk. Then, if it happens a second time, do that forwarding things that has already been suggested, with &quot;I don't recall making these edits; %name%, do you know what this is about?&quot; It's fair. You've had the talk. He consciously keeps at it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12025" LastActivityDate="2018-01-27T22:17:59.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9684" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-27T22:46:59.560" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may be part of a larger cultural shift where younger people who have been accustomed to using their smartphones constantly since their teens are so used to multitasking that they don't perceive it as rude, but feel, rightly or wrongly, that they can give multiple information channels at once sufficient attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some articles that talk about the multitasking habits of generation M:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://launchbox365.com/blog/the-era-of-millennial-multi-tasking/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Era of Millennial Multitasking&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.libcblog.nl/articles/media-multitasking-in-the-younger-generation-less-is-more&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Media Multitasking in the Younger Generation: Less is More&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://journalistsresource.org/studies/society/social-media/multitasking-social-media-distraction-what-does-research-say&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Multitasking, social media and distraction: Research review&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possible cultural shift is a switch from formal dating to a more casual &quot;hanging out together&quot;.  (I don't have written sources on changing dating patterns, just anecdotal data from younger people I know.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are likely to continue seeing this behavior, so it's worth thinking up some polite and possibly even humorous ways to approach it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few possible lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'm old-fashioned enough that I like to concentrate on one thing at a time -- can we both turn our phones off and just talk?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I was hoping that I'd be interesting enough to get you to put your phone away.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I would like to really get to know you, not just hang out together doing our own things.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Every time you pull out your phone I have to fight the urge to check mine, but I get really distracted and I'd feel rude to be ignoring you like that. Can we both just put our phones away for a bit? [Yes this is a bit of a lie.]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastEditorUserId="547" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T06:50:36.710" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T06:50:36.710" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3761" CreationDate="2018-01-28T00:40:31.023" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Explain to them that you don't really appreciate aimless time spending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, guys, I really like you, but I really want to make&#xA;  the most of my time and be purposeful about it. I have&#xA;  all these projects and I really care about them. Getting&#xA;  interrupted too often really breaks my flow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can be a bit self-deprecating, like, &quot;I'm a nerd and enjoy being a nerd.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bottom line is, I'd really appreciate it if, when I study, you interrupt only when you really have an issue that can't be solved by googling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then make a colorful poster and hang it on the outside of your door, sort of a &quot;Do Not Disturb&quot; sign, but put humorously, like &quot;I'm engrossed in some deep s**t. If you have a question, please google it first. When in doubt, google twice.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12025" LastActivityDate="2018-01-28T00:40:31.023" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9687" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-01-28T05:48:28.043" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-01-28T05:48:28.043" LastActivityDate="2018-01-28T05:48:28.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9688" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-01-28T05:48:28.043" Score="0" Body="For questions related to polite expression of praise or admiration. " OwnerUserId="1644" LastEditorUserId="1644" LastEditDate="2018-01-28T15:40:45.457" LastActivityDate="2018-01-28T15:40:45.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2169" CreationDate="2018-01-28T11:56:55.757" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have used Uber and Lyft several times &lt;strong&gt;with a smartphone out through the course of the ride&lt;/strong&gt; and drivers are almost always silent past hello and confirming my name and destination, unless I speak first. If you want to avoid conversation, try to appear busy, and look anywhere but at the driver.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4184" LastActivityDate="2018-01-28T11:56:55.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9632" CreationDate="2018-01-28T15:31:25.210" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;After some thought about this, I've decided that my original answer, while a workable tactic, is more convoluted than it needs to be.  And as others have pointed out, you cannot do it repeatedly with the same person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thinking about it now, a I might take a simpler approach.  I might instead simply reply to the original email, leaving the text intact, and write at the top:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Professor so and so,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm just writing to quickly follow up on the below. Any clarification you could provide would be greatly appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks very much,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Susmitha&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach is direct, does not take upon the writer blame that does not belong to the writer, and remains polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-28T15:31:25.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9693" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9694" CreationDate="2018-01-28T15:47:39.317" Score="83" ViewCount="15852" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandparents will be celebrating 65 years of marriage in a few months. &#xA;The anniversary is celebrated with a big party for the extended family and my grandparents' friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of my grandparents' friends are old people (85+) with bad health conditions. We know of at least two friends with such a bad health, that they might not be alive in a few months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandfather is not comfortable inviting his old friends that he knows are very sick. He fears an invitation will indicate a lack of understanding for their situation and/or remind them of their bad health and limitations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My counter argument is that an invitation will make them feel remembered and loved, and that he is doing his friends a disservice by holding them in oblivion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The truth is that I'm very unsure about how to handle this situation. My grandfather has known &lt;em&gt;many&lt;/em&gt; people throughout his life that are now dead, and my experience with terminally ill people is non-existing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to convince him that not ignoring his sick friends is the right thing to do, which is why I request your help in formulating an invitation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; How can we frame an invitation to very sick people, taking their situation into account and imply that we know they can't go? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8258" LastEditorUserId="8258" LastEditDate="2018-01-28T20:22:11.520" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T16:48:44.213" Title="How to invite terminal ill / very sick friends to a party?" Tags="&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;illness&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9694" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9693" CreationDate="2018-01-28T16:22:45.947" Score="140" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been the dying person (I got better, long story.) Trust me, inviting me to a party would not have &quot;reminded me of my limitations.&quot; I already knew. It's more likely that I would be offended at having decisions made for me, as though I was no longer capable of that myself. (There were no family occasions I was excluded from in the bad months, in fact I hosted Thanksgiving which in retrospect was not super smart. Within less than 2 weeks I was hospitalized. But as a full grown adult, it was my choice.) Feeling excluded is certainly not the message you want to send, I'm sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your grandfather worries that a preprinted invitation card with just their name on the front indicates a lack of understanding of their situation, then by all means add a handwritten note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know traveling (or leaving the house, or whatever) is hard for you. We would all love to see you and want to include you in this celebration. I hope it's possible!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adjust the wording for the way your family talks to each other, but that's the general idea. If there's something practical you can do to help the person attend, add that too:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Susan will be coming from your town also and has offered to drive you if that makes things easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're welcome to come the day before and stay over at our house&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also consider having a time at the party where you call people (video chat maybe?) who couldn't be there in person. If you want to do that, you will need to set it all up in advance, so you could add another note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For those who can't join us in person, we plan to do video chat. Vingtoft will be contacting you in the next week or so to get it all set up and ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This covers both the case where they can come and where they can't. It should also brighten the celebration a little for your grandfather.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T11:50:34.067" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T11:50:34.067" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9693" CreationDate="2018-01-28T16:27:43.707" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few years ago I helped my grandparents write down their invitations (to a 50 year wedding anniversary). They too had relatives with serious health problems and terminal illnesses at the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What they, as very religious people did, was to include the following sentence of Latin in their invitations (it's often used in their church's communications as well):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Deo volente Monday, January 1st we'd like to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary with all of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It means something like 'If God wants it/ if nothing prevents it'. This went on all the cards since they themselves were fragile at the time too.  It's not a plea to God, but an expression of hope. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be shortened to DV (although people might wonder what the abbreviation stands for). Another form of this is 'inshallah', it has the same meaning but a different language/religious association. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They also included a little personal note on the invitations going to terminally ill relatives. They wished them well, mentioned that they would completely understand if they couldn't come, that the relative shouldn't feel obliged to come. If they couldn't make it, they included a promise to visit them soon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, they mentioned that they understood the problem and that they hadn't forgotten the relatives existed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T09:42:36.753" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T09:42:36.753" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9696" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-28T18:28:10.400" Score="7" ViewCount="1483" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a fact that the majority of people are heterosexual. So if I meet a person, I first assume that he/she is heterosexual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask a person of the same gender out, if I don't know if the person is homosexual? Say I met someone new, at a party or club, how do I ask, or find out if they're interested in LGBT+ dating/relationships? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just asking is, in my opinion, a little bit strange because the chance that the person says &quot;no&quot; is extremely high, I think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS.: I'm a girl and  since there might be a chance that I'm bisexual, I'm really curious as to how to deal with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4263" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T15:58:54.807" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T23:11:35.987" Title="How to ask/find out if people are interested in LGBT dating/relationships?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;austria&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9698" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9699" CreationDate="2018-01-28T21:42:19.827" Score="1" ViewCount="723" Body="&lt;p&gt;My current situation is that. I got annual feedback during December which I joined few months ago. They were more than impressed with my coding skills, but they were not so much with my soft skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two of the feedback I got were:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) I was too demanding when I joined the job because I asked them several time to hurry about the laptop so I can work. It was a small company. They usually mac but we had talked about Windows laptop before I joined. But still they didn't arranged it causing me to be next to no productive and mostly unassigned for first 2-3 weeks. That's why I asked them several times to hurry because I just wanted to work. Now I think about it, I personally feel wrong too. Even I feel I was bit too demanding and want to apologize for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) I am not very social. I don't talk much at work. Some of my coworker says that they don't even know me properly. I am introvert and I always suffered from social anxiety from years but I suffer from some mental health issues from a year now, which makes it really hard to do anything. Truth is I feel very lonely all the time and I wish I had peoples to talk to, but still I fail most of the time. But I really try hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this is related to work. I am wondering about both cases. Work and general life. If I do something wrong which is not completely my mistake, should I try to explain the truth or should I just sincerely apologize without any explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12044" LastEditorUserId="12044" LastEditDate="2018-01-28T21:55:42.510" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T00:39:33.830" Title="Should I explain myself while apologizing?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-01-29T05:36:51.010" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9699" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9698" CreationDate="2018-01-28T23:11:02.563" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NO&lt;/strong&gt;.  Very seldom is there a reason to explain or offer excuses.  Admit what you did, and &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; what you did, and apologize for it.  Accept your mistake and even is someone else had a role, acknowledge your mistake and your actions and leave any other person out of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally explanations in an apology are seen as making excuses, making what is called a &quot;non-apology&quot;.  It's seen as trying to shift accountability for your actions, which will come off as insincere.  Also, never apologize for someone else.  Such things as &quot;I'm sorry you're offended&quot; may be permissible for politicians, but in interpersonal skills that's pretty rude.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making an apology is actually quite simple.  Be sincere and honest.  &quot;Bob, I did [x].  I realize that wasn't the right thing to do, and I'm sorry I did it/things came out the way they did.&quot;  Then say nothing more and let the other person respond.  If they say anything other than to accept your apology, don't argue the point or get snippy about it.  You're apologizing for your deeds and not anything else.  They may be angry; let them be angry and say what they need to say.  Then merely say &quot;Thank you for your time&quot; and move on.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person asks for an explanation, then provide one based solely on facts.  Do not offer supposition, blame others, or state your theory.  &quot;I saw this, and thought it required me to do this.  That was my mistake.&quot;  &quot;When John said [x], which both you and I heard, I thought he meant something completely different.  What I thought it meant doesn't really matter; I don't want to say anything about John that could be misinterpreted.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-28T23:11:02.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9700" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9698" CreationDate="2018-01-29T00:39:33.830" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;For a simple apology, usually not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if it is a point that you would like to work together to improve in the future, then explaining something like social anxiety prevents you from being social and extrovertive (adjust to your actual experience), but you feel like you would like to be closer with the team. This explanation isn't so much meant to excuse your previous behavior, but explain why you aren't interacting with the team. It isn't because you don't like them and don't want to interact, it is because you can't bring yourself and don't know the proper way to do so, but would like to if it were something you could do more easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As stated in the first paragraph, if it is simply apologizing for that incident, and not something you'd like to work as a group to improve upon, an explanation is often seen as you're just trying to excuse yourself, so it is best to leave it out -- unless there was really a huge misunderstanding, but it doesn't seem to be the case in this instance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T00:39:33.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2169" CreationDate="2018-01-29T04:03:31.800" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The honest thing to do is to tell them upfront that you don't want to chat. &#xA;Else, do what everyone is suggesting here - use a phone.&#xA;Smile at the driver and say Hi as you get into the cab. Immediately, take out your earphones and plug it in, pretend to listen to some song (you can even keep your eyes closed if it's safe). You can then ignore any questions unless he stops the cab/taps your shoulder or something. He would assume the song is too loud for you to hear his voice and since you smiled at him initially, he may not consider you a rude person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-28T20:58:05.383" LastActivityDate="2018-10-28T20:58:05.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9702" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-29T08:19:48.593" Score="37" ViewCount="6067" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, this weekend my mom and dad both signed some official paperwork, which my dad handed to me with a 'read it carefully please'. The paperwork gives me and my brothers the power to make decisions for our parents with regard to finances but also medical stuff when they can't make those decisions themselves and the other parent also can't make them. They're not in trouble yet, but they are both in their fifties and realize that this could save both their partner and us kids a whole lot of trouble if something actually happened. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, they've ensured that doctors can disclose their medical information to us, so we can make decisions about their treatment for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, my dad &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; talks about things like whether he wants to be an organ donor (even mom doesn't know), let alone that I can get information from him on whether he wants e.g. treatments that only extend his life but will never cure him, or what he still considers 'quality of life'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, I now have a document giving me and my brothers the power to make decisions. But the document doesn't give any guidance on the medical part (there are some wishes in the financial part of the document). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brothers and I tried to get a conversation about it going this weekend, but although my mom answered some of our questions about her wishes, our dad remained quiet (not even a 'don't know' or 'never thought about it'). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few minutes, he tried to shut down the conversation, without explanation. I gave it one last try, telling him something about my own viewpoints on unnecessary medical treatment (which are pretty extreme), and explaining that if I didn't know his point of view, I would go by my own compass and thus might make the wrong decision for him. He wasn't convinced and didn't show any reaction. There was nothing that encouraged us to believe he genuinely wants us to make the decisions for him without having his input, but also nothing that indicates that he needs time to think about it and will inform us when he has made up his mind.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We later tried getting some answers from my mom, but basically &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We don't know why he doesn't want to talk about it, only that he seems to loathe the subject. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We all have no clue what his wishes are.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, one way or another, we have to get that conversation going. Because I don't like having this responsibility but not knowing what he wants us to decide, and neither do my mom and brothers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I make my dad realize that he has to think about this stuff and provide us with some guidelines? How do I get him to provide us with information on his last wishes?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T13:57:19.163" LastActivityDate="2018-02-11T16:17:10.553" Title="How to find out how my father would like us to decide for him with regard to medical treatment?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-29T09:01:17.257" Score="-2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;mom and dad both signed some official paperwork, which my dad handed to me with a 'read it carefully please'. [...] The paperwork gives me and my brothers the power to make decisions for our parents with regard to finances but also medical stuff&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They involved you in &lt;strong&gt;extremely important and delicate decisions&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, it's a subject they have &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; right to shy away from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, they &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; give you guidelines about those decisions, also - and especially - because it's in their first interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, go ahead and &lt;strong&gt;openly and directly ask&lt;/strong&gt; and keep asking until they &#xA;comply. They &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; to comply with your request as soon as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imho, it's &lt;em&gt;absolutely not&lt;/em&gt; fair to involve someone in delicate matters and abandon him/her to his/her fate &quot;just because&quot; the subject is &quot;disliked&quot;: state this while you directly ask for guidelines in case they keep on refusing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, life does not allow you to only do or say things you like to do or say: they, as adult people, need to understand this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T09:01:17.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9705" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9718" CreationDate="2018-01-29T09:01:47.153" Score="32" ViewCount="11957" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've got a communication issue with my colleague, let's call her Alice. Alice seems to feel superior to me just because she is about 20 years older than me. We were hired for the same position at the same time, the only difference between us might be some years of working experience in another company which she has (and wherefore I appreciate her knowledge in some fields). I just finished my Master's degree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are now four people in a shared office. Other than Alice and me, there are a woman two years older than me and a man some years older than her. Alice seems to only respect the man, I don't know if it's because of his gender, but I think it's because of his age. (As soon as she is alone with one of us she starts a conversation, sometimes about the others. She complains a bit about the other woman. The man has some health issues that causes him sometimes to stay ill at home which is negatively seen in our department. Alice defended him and praised his work since a few weeks after we started to work there, we had no chance yet to get to know him or his work well back then.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often Alice compares me to herself when she was an apprentice. She works part-time and asks me constantly about what I did when she was absent and tells me how to prioritize my work (I did not ask about it.). I am not good with social skills and get instinctively defensive which maybe gives her the impression of being right and/or helpful. Later I get angry and frustrated, which intoxicates my life. Sometimes she asks me out of nowhere what I'm doing and how I get along and even stands up from her desk to get behind me and look at my screen. This puzzles me and interrupts my work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already asked &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/105680/should-i-always-give-way-to-my-colleague-just-because-of-their-age&quot;&gt;a question about the topic&lt;/a&gt; on The Workplace SE which gave me the impression that it is okay to stand my ground while doing it politely. That's the point where IPS comes in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;: How could I get her to stop acting like she was my Supervisor &lt;em&gt;politely&lt;/em&gt;? (I'd like to talk to her by myself and not involve the HR/our superior first.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8597" LastEditorUserId="8540" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T06:06:12.813" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T11:32:26.507" Title="How to tell an older colleague that they are not superior to me?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;age&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-29T09:17:28.837" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming no miscommunication happened and both parties have the same idea of the conversations so far as depicted by you: You don't and you go by your own compass, it's the only way to honour his wishes as stated so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You made clear what would happen if he didn't explicitly state his wishes and he was fine with that. Some people honestly don't care (yet) and that is within their rights. All you need to do is eliminate &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; doubt that he understands that a) you have no idea about his wishes, b) you would proceed as you would for yourself and c) you are not comfortable with this. As a final resort you can make clear that you'll refuse to take a decision (I don't think this is smart, but if it gives you peace of mind, you might as well).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also disagree with Markino's answer and your premise that he should be forced to talk about this immediately unless it is likely you will have to make these decisions shortly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11405" LastEditorUserId="11405" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T09:25:57.333" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T09:25:57.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9705" CreationDate="2018-01-29T09:18:35.500" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;To me respect is earned, not given. I would ask her (as nicely as possible) if she knows you're actually working at the same position regardless of your past experience, and whether she likes it or not you're on the same floor/level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now make it clear to her that you acknowledge her experience, and that her advice is always welcome, but also be clear about the fact that she's not your superior/supervisor and you feel like she's overstepping your professional boundaries, which makes you uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like &quot; I know you have more work experience than me but we're both new in this position and I feel like you're trying to monitor me which feels really awkward. Could you please accept that this is new to both of us and focus more on how to do the job yourself, and less on how I do it ?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10828" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T11:32:26.507" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T11:32:26.507" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9708" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9714" CreationDate="2018-01-29T09:36:01.877" Score="32" ViewCount="15999" Body="&lt;p&gt;My team, A, has set up everything for team B to work with. They can change texts, values, basic colors. The only thing they can't change is general layout or complicated styling. They can ask my team, team A for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It so happens to be that my team fell apart last year and I am now 'unofficially' part of team C, doing a lot of work for them. Team B asks for my assistance 1-2 times a week, but it's usually small things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, every once in a while Team B asks me to do stuff I know for sure they could be doing themselves. What they do is they make a list of things that need to be done, include one thing they can't change themselves, and make me do the full list. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, I'm too busy for this and I do not have any interest in doing this either. I want to send back a reply that I've done task x, but that I left y and z for team B to do by themselves. What is a polite way to say that they can do this themselves, without sounding like a snob?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A while back I replied:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi B, your team has enough html skills to edit these objects, so please assign this task to someone in your team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And my coworked later commented that he thought I was being snobby and should just do the work. (please note we are on the same level, just in different teams. Our managers barely speak each other.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T17:11:59.170" Title="How do I politely tell my coworker he can do the work himself?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9709" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-29T09:43:13.093" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Getting old is scary. You need to give up on things you're able to do one by one, knowing it will never get better again. This starts with no longer beïng able to run or having some pain in your knees or back when working in bad positions (like pulling weeds in the garden). You can no longer read without glasses, and those glasses need to become stronger as your sight deteriorates further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It gets worse when you can no longer walk to wherever you want without help of a walking cane, or even worse, a walker. Eventually you can't even get up the stairs without help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure there are aids to still give you a bit of independence (the cane, walker, stair elevator, ...) but those only feel as a reminder that you're really getting old. That you're that one step closer to the end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps your father just doesn't want any more reminders than strictly needed. He provided that document so that when the time comes he can no longer decide, at least it'll get taken care of. This takes away some of the worries he might have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has to choose between really thinking about it so he can tell you what he wants later, and thus admitting for himself that he really is nearing that state, or just pushing it away and stay in the current state of nobody really knowing. It may be too mentaly taxing for him to choose the first option which explains why he defaults to the second of not thinking about it at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A second major aspect I want to point out here is that when someone is so far down the line that others have to make decissions for him/her it actually becomes harder on the relatives on what to do. Perhaps the person himself/herself is ready to pass on (but can no longer say so) but the children aren't ready to let go yet. Or perhaps that person really doesn't want to die yet, but also doesn't want to be a hindrance to his/her family anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't know beforehand what you would think when you finally get into that situation. No matter how much you think about it now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might just be that he wants you to decide what will be easier for you when it's time. But voicing this is really dificult because it can go against his own choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing I would do in your situation is try to get a feel about what your father thinks is more important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not thinking about it anymore and giving up his own choice in the end so that you can (/have to) decide what you, the people staying behind, think is best.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Putting up a lot of mental effort to admit the time will come (sooner than he wants) and decide what he wants, knowing this might change later when he can no longer say so.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem for you is ofcourse that it will &lt;em&gt;ALWAYS&lt;/em&gt; be really difficult to decide on the last steps in your parents life. No matter if you know what they would want or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you already told him what you would do in the extreme situations and he didn't object (or looked horrified) then it may be okay to no longer force him to think about it, since in the end, it's not him who has to live with that final decission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T09:43:13.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-29T09:51:33.587" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I understand correctly - your parents have simply enabled you to make a decision when they're unable to. In effect: &quot;If we're both incapable of making a decision ourselves, we trust our children's judgement&quot; - is this correct?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, then it could be that they want their kids to have a say in such matters, but genuinely haven't thought about the exact decisions you'd need to make (aside from the financial ones you mention). And to be fair, pondering your own mortality isn't exactly a fun topic! Quite frankly, it's a terrifying subject to have to consider in such detail as &quot;if X happens I want you to Y&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, I'd approach gradually. This could well be the first time they're having to consider such big decisions too! So take it slow and move together. They're not ceding all responsibility, so you (hopefully) won't have to exercise this anytime soon. Approach one bit at a time and give them plenty of space to process this too. This could well be the first time your father is having to think seriously about decisions around death, so I'd take care to make sure he feels supported in these discussions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7866" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T12:13:32.130" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T12:13:32.130" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9708" CreationDate="2018-01-29T10:11:19.843" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel the problem is your response is too 'personal'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you say....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;your team has enough html skills to edit these objects, so please&#xA;  assign this task to someone in your team.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.... it sounds like you feel the work is beneath you, and that they should do it simply because they &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt;. When you think about it, the CEO of a fortune 500 company &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; take out the trash, but he doesn't have to. This response is meeting with argument because it seems like it is about what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't personally want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the task is definitely is not the responsibility of your team then instead try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, this task doesn't fall within the remit of this team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They cannot reasonably argue with that. You're not saying you don't want to do it, you're saying that the company doesn't expect you to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For clarity, I am not suggesting that you should be aloof or impersonal at all times, simply in instances like this where a business-like response answers the question once and for all without giving any room for criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T10:11:19.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9712" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9708" CreationDate="2018-01-29T10:15:41.110" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all you should clear up with your and their manager on who is officially responsible for the easier tasks. And if possible communicate this to both teams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now it's obvious that the things team B can't do have to be done by team A (or whoever actually CAN do it).&#xA;But it seems like it's not clear for everyone who should do the easier things. Sure they CAN do it, but why should they?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you both get told that team B should do it, you can from then on just point out that it's their responsibility and that you would &quot;appreciate&quot; it if they would also adhere to that agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the request gets ignored and you need to figure out yourselves who should do what it becomes a bit trickier. Then you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi B,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but now that I'm in team C (do they know this?) I have a lot&#xA;  of other work to do which takes priority for me. Since I saw you're&#xA;  unable to do x I tried to make a bit of time to handle that but I&#xA;  really don't have the time to handle all the other items on that list.&#xA;  I hope you find someone in team A that can make some time to do the&#xA;  rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Kind regards,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no need to explicitly say that they &quot;can&quot; do the rest. This is already implicit by saying you did x because they cannot do that part. It also makes it clear that if they still want to push it onto you, they'll have to somehow convice you that it should take priority at which point you can redirect it to your/their manager to prevent internal disputes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T10:15:41.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9713" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9708" CreationDate="2018-01-29T10:15:52.823" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would make a list situations you are willing to on tasks. If the request doesn't fall within those situations, then politely refuse the request with the reason that you are busy with work from Team C, and you believe they can accomplish it within their own team. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they complain that they are truly unable to accomplish that task without your help, then you are open to pointing them in the right direction, but you cannot do it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What this does is puts a clear definition on the tasks you are willing to take on, so it will be more difficult to argue against it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4788" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T10:15:52.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9708" CreationDate="2018-01-29T10:16:49.987" Score="36" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi B, your team has enough html skills to edit these objects, so please assign this task to someone in your team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although the intentions of your e-mail are good, it's maybe a bit too direct, and lacking some context. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I had written such a message, I'd have pointed out that: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have my own, other work to do. Maybe something like 'I am busy implementing something magical for team C now'. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Emphasize that you're willing to help, but that you really can't spend the time to do everything for them. So, instead of saying 'you can do this yourself', emphasize that you've fixed A and B for them and that you believe they now can do X and Y themselves. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do not have any interest in doing this either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't show this in your e-mails. That's likely the part that people call snobby. Your message should get across that you're unable to do those tasks because of time, not that you're unwilling to do them because it's uninteresting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think another problem is that your assignment to team C is unofficial. Point this out to your manager. Mention that your work for team C is in danger of being compromised because team B is asking you to do stuff they can do themselves. Just explain it like you did here, that they send you a list of which only one or two tasks really need your help, but that they expect you to do everything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Only once your manager knows&lt;/strong&gt;, and team B keeps up their behavior of asking for more of your time than necessary, you can also take the passive-aggressive approach of cc-ing your manager &lt;strong&gt;on the polite e-mails&lt;/strong&gt;. This will build a record for your manager to show how often it is happening and might provoke him to have a talk with team B's manager. It will also show team B that you're serious about not having the time to help them with every little thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T10:33:18.547" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T10:33:18.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9708" CreationDate="2018-01-29T11:24:27.593" Score="9" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Decline to do it, Offer to support them&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Firstly, it's important to note that communication appears to be at an all-time low for team B/yourself. Just receiving a task-list without prior discussion, has already missed the step where they discuss their needs with you and agree on what tasks you can take/what they can achieve themselves. This is a longer-term issue that should be looked at - as it will cut out a lot of the problems here.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue Team B is likely taking with your email is that it shirks responsibility for the tasks - and sounds like you are not willing to contribute outside the exact-specification of your role. Moreover, saying they already have the skills suggests they do this out of laziness. It's likely they actually do it from seeing this as an area you still have ownership of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you shouldn't start accepting their work to appease them - it clear does have an impact on your ability to perform your main responsibilities - you need to work on a hand-over process to bring them up to speed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend you reply back with breakdown of what is required for each task they have given you (as should be normal when estimating the time required to do so). For the tasks you disagree with, you should suggest that it will make more sense for them to take responsibility - but that you will be there to support them in doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regarding [Task], I think it should be possible for this to be achieved with the existing features provided in [System]. I'm more than happy to come and help, but in the future I think these changes will be easier to make from your side directly. If you'd like me to show you how to do this, or have any questions regarding it - just let me know and we can set some time aside to work on this together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing is you are not leaving them out to dry, but also not taking on the task as a long-term commitment. The aim is to hand-over these tasks to Team B, supporting them in doing so and showing that while you care - it will be easier for them as well if they can make the changes directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Note: most people prefer to be able to do the work themselves; it's rare people send tasks because that just dont want to do it).&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10883" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T11:24:27.593" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-29T12:11:52.277" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, try to talk with him alone. Maybe it is just so difficult because you were together with his wife. This would certainly be the case with my parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe your mother is really the driving force, and he does not want to give you that responsibility. Try to get at that angle, something like &quot;if you don't really want to do this, we can skip the papers&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, when you do have those papers signed, and you do end up in such a situation (parents totally incommunicado, and heavy decisions having to be made), then you will have no choice but to make the decision. By definition, you cannot ask them at that time, so you have nothing like your own opinion about the issue at hand, together with whatever you believe would be best for them. You &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; decide. &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; will decide. And as far as I can tell, you have specific opinions on this, so it is in your favour that you will be able to legally decide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as your father knows your stance on these things, as you said, and does not tell otherwise (and has his wits around him currently, which you imply), then it seems fine to me. Not answering &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T12:11:52.277" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9705" CreationDate="2018-01-29T13:03:08.993" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is going to be tricky. First of all, it is important to recognize that she presumably thinks she is helping you, showing you the ropes, etc. And, &lt;em&gt;to some extent&lt;/em&gt;, she may be right. It is very hard for me to imagine that, in 20 years of professional practice, she has not picked up &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; that she could teach you if you are fresh out of university. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is fair for you to push back when she bosses you around or expects benefits courtesy of her seniority (as indicated in your workplace question), but I do not think that it is smart, or even accurate, to drum so much that you are &quot;hired onto the same position&quot; and hence are exactly the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should do, in my opinion, is to acknowledge that she &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; more senior in this job than you are, but that she is not your boss. These are not the same thing. In practice, this may mean, on the one hand, tolerating some advice that you probably could have lived without and staying open for when she actually gives you good input and politely, but flat-out, refusing her requests when she tries to act as your supervisor on the other. That is, when she gives you input on how to better prioritize your workload, nod along (or discuss with her, if you wish - you may find that you learn a thing or two). &#xA;If she tells you to take over this and that task from her, tell her that you are swamped with your own workload.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she tells you that she was not so entitled when she was an apprentice, you can tell her that thankfully you are not an apprentice, but a holder of a master's degree (and presumably close to 10 years older than the average apprentice, since she appears to care about such things).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(If you then get management pushback that you really should &quot;cooperate&quot; more with her when she gives you &quot;requests&quot; that are really orders, then congratulations - she actually is your boss in practicality, even if not on paper. Unfortunately, implicit hierarchy happens.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6272" LastEditorUserId="6272" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T20:54:27.133" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T20:54:27.133" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9719" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-29T13:42:04.840" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Both my parents and I are doctors in India, and my sister and I have for some years been in a situation similar to yours (if not the exact same situation) with regard to not being told our parents' actual wishes in case of some unforeseen health crisis. Moreover we have seen our patients' families struggle with this problem when one or both parents are suddenly struck down with illness or injury. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unlike in some other countries, Indian medical practice naturally allows close family members to make health care decisions on behalf of critically ill patients without needing special authorization. Both parents becoming simultaneously incapacitated is a rare but very possible event. And age has not much to do with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A man in his fifties whom we had treated for a minor illness a few years ago died recently in hospital of a sudden heart ailment and his wife passed away within 2 days of a brain hemorrhage. Their two young daughters aged 24 (married) and 19 were abruptly in the position of needing to take vital medical decisions on their parents' behalf and had been given no instructions about their parents' wishes, although that didn't affect the outcome of those tragic cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem, of course, is many of our parents' extreme discomfort with discussing their own mortality with their children, which is entirely understandable in context, as pointed out by at least two earlier answers. It is the toughest and most unpleasant thing for families to discuss and most parents &lt;strong&gt;including mine&lt;/strong&gt; prefer not to go into such a discussion. So I have often been anxious about what decisions I and my 2-years-younger sister might have to take in such a situation. Not to shy away from alarming and unpleasant possibilities, this is what I could understand by reviewing the problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It is rare for &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; parents to be seriously ill and incapable of taking medical decisions &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;at the same time.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; It is generally much more likely in our clinical experience that one parent falls critically ill and health care decisions are taken by the other parent in consultation with their adult offspring. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As it is supposed to be a joint decision to be taken by siblings if both parents are rendered incapable, each sibling will need to consider the others' points of view &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; a future decision needs to be taken, and each would thus have only  1/2 or 1/3 responsibility for such decision-making. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;By giving multiple children &lt;strong&gt;joint responsibility&lt;/strong&gt; to make future decisions (assuming in your case that you do not have any higher responsibility as the eldest child: or else please edit question to clarify) parents are actually reducing the decision-making burden of any one family member. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It would certainly be more useful for parents to make their wishes explicit regarding future medical decisions, but we can't &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; them do it, especially if neither of them has yet been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Since your father is currently unwilling to discuss this delicate matter, it might be counterproductive to bring up the topic with him repeatedly at present.&lt;/strong&gt; I would advise you to try and bring up the matter with your mother instead. She might be more communicative and might also illuminate you about what your father is thinking. You could also discuss the matter with your 2 brothers independently or together to learn what they feel about taking such sensitive decisions in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I think your father will become more willing to discuss the particulars of this topic with you in future&lt;/strong&gt;, after he comes to terms with the implications of this, your parents' difficult but correct decision to entrust you 3 siblings  the future joint responsibility of their health care, in the particular case where they are both unable to decide for themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Since your parents are both &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=+life+expectancy+netherlands&amp;amp;&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;relatively young&lt;/a&gt; and healthy now, it is to be seen as a currently hypothetical long-term contingency planning for the future&lt;/strong&gt; and you can expect both parents to communicate their wishes much more explicitly to you in due course, based on more specific future health &#xA;events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T18:16:05.240" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T18:16:05.240" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9705" CreationDate="2018-01-29T14:56:47.873" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having read both your questions, here is how I would handle this:&#xA;Talk to her, in private, and explain things. If this continues, take it to your manager.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start by taking her aside, preferably just during/after one of these bouts of your colleague acting as if she is above you. According to your Workplace question, you were both hired at the same time for the same position. &lt;em&gt;This is important!&lt;/em&gt; If she was hired even a couple weeks before you, that would make all the difference in the world! But being hired at the same time means she started at the same time as you did, and therefore doesn't have more knowledge of the company's policies than you. (At least, not necessarily.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point this out to her. (The comment about previous experience in this is from a comment on another answer, and the full meaning is assumed. Adapt as necessary.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, I respect your opinion and your work experience, however we are both on equal footing at this company. We were hired together, and your previous experience in another field. There are certainly things that will carry over, such as how to present yourself professionally and make connections. However, you are not my superior in this role. You are my equal. I feel like you are trying to be my superior when you ____. I request that you treat me as your equal, as I will treat you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tweak this as needed to fit what you feel you can learn from her. Also feel free to add more &quot;I&quot; statements. They are valuable to communication! The classic &quot;I feel X when you Y&quot; format is a great way to frame the situation about yourself without accusing the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to her response to this, and answer politely and respectfully. &lt;em&gt;Be sure to treat her as an equal.&lt;/em&gt; Don't treat her as an older coworker. Treat her as a coworker. Be respectful, give her her chance to speak. If you feel yourself getting frustrated, explain this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, can we return to this topic later? I feel it's important we hammer this situation out, but I am starting to get a bit worked up. I do not want to hinder our discussion, so I need to step away from it for a bit to get myself under control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does a couple things: Indeed, it should help keep your emotions from hindering the discussion. However, it will also display respect and maturity. Being able to recognize when your feelings will get in the way of an important discussion is an important skill for any adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As a last resort, if she refuses to acknowledge what you have said or gets worse&lt;/strong&gt; go to your manager. Be careful not to make accusations! Just lay out facts. Explain that it's making things tense in the office between you, and that she has brought up her age compared to yours in disagreements before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why does that part matter? &lt;em&gt;Because this sounds, to me, like ageism.&lt;/em&gt; Yes, that's a real thing. It happens both ways, too- Older folks being disregarded, ignored, and looked down on by younger folks can happen as well, especially in technology fields where the younger generation might think the &quot;grandpa&quot; on the team has no idea what kids like in tech these days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, however, that this is an option that could cause a lot of grief, at least for your coworker. Use it only after talking to her, and only after discussing things &lt;em&gt;calmly&lt;/em&gt; and with a level head. If the discussion falls through because you got upset and things got heated, can you really say you tried your best?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T15:56:47.153" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T15:56:47.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9705" CreationDate="2018-01-29T15:43:04.587" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Shut her down. If she asks you a question that is phrased or worded in a way that implies anything along the lines of what you are saying get her to clarify.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;What are you implying by &quot;...&quot;?&quot;&#xA;&quot;What do you mean, ....?&quot;&#xA;&quot;Why would you ask me ....?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: &quot;I appreciate how eager you are to help me out, but why are you telling me how to prioritize my work? Is that something you tell all your colleagues? You don't think it's a little inappropriate to offer unsolicited advice like that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a little forward, and she might get a little huffy about it. I assume based on the limited information here that it's unlikely she will take hints. She likely has baked some idea of seniority/higher expertise into her own identity, and may just continue to do it to spite you if/when you stop playing this game with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or just respond most of her requests with a sigh and say something like &quot;I don't know right now.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12066" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T15:43:04.587" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9726" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9696" CreationDate="2018-01-29T16:11:24.620" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;While determining if people are interested in your gender gives your more information about the likelihood that they will say yes if you ask them out, it doesn't give you the whole picture. What actually matters is are they interested in &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a lot of ways you can gather information about whether someone may be into women in general, or you in particular. The most accurate is to get verbal confirmation from them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that going &quot;Hey would you like to do &amp;lt; something &gt; with me?&quot; is a good place to start. You can suggest anything you want (preferably something you want to do with them) from talking politics to smooching to going on a date. Be forward with your intentions and when rejected be understanding and don't press the issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T18:38:47.250" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T18:38:47.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9727" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-29T16:19:25.687" Score="3" ViewCount="761" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have never met my neighbors, but I have been woken up by them many times as they talk loudly at their doorstep, laughing, sometimes a dog barking with them, usually around 2 AM. My house is a bit closer to the street then theirs, with only a narrow gap between them, so that my bedroom window is essentially right next to their front door, so these exchanges are very audible from my bed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not the sort of person who gets mad at my neighbors for making noise. I figure we make noise too. But their 2 AM doorstep conversations are wrecking my sleep and I need to stop the middle-of-the-night noise without making them feel mad at me (angry neighbors could cause me more trouble than waking me up). Since I haven't made their acquaintance yet, I don't know how to approach them, and I don't want to alienate them. I feel like leaving a note would seem passive aggressive, and knocking on their door would seem confrontational. What is the best way I can approach them about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T16:49:36.770" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T03:38:21.147" Title="Neighbors have loud doorstep exchanges in middle of the night" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-29T16:39:51.513" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is my personal viewpoint, which I hope is helpful to you and anyone else facing a similar issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you can find the answers to your question by not asking them directly. The &lt;strong&gt;first step&lt;/strong&gt; is to find out not the answers to the medical-related questions but what your father actually desires in his life. Is it the ability to do certain activities, or just having the presence of his family, or being a regular part of some community, or absence of pain, or to help some people, and also how much of each of these? Notice that if you knew the answer to this question, it sort of tells you the answer to how he is likely to choose (if ever forced to) between prolonging life and enjoying life and helping others' lives, and at what costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;second step&lt;/strong&gt; is to build for yourself a mental framework consistent with his desires for making medical-related choices, still without asking him directly. In many such decisions, the answer can be sort of deduced. When you cannot deduce what he is likely to choose, it suggests that you don't really know enough about his desires (and also moral principles). Remember that if you wish to be able to help him choose on his behalf, then you really need to build such a framework that is as accurate as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;third step&lt;/strong&gt; is to wait until the time is right to bring the topic up again with your father, still not to ask him for his answers to the medical questions, but to tell him (if you do) that you truly want to be able to choose for him if you need to, and tell him what you believe would be his preference in some common scenarios, and ask whether you got his preference wrong in any of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;fourth step&lt;/strong&gt; (which hopefully never comes) is to actually follow this framework to the best of your ability (and within reason) if the situation arises, and not deferring to your personal viewpoints unless it strongly conflicts with your own morality, in which case it would be best to discuss openly with your siblings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very few people would want to be kept alive if they are likely to be completely paralyzed for the rest of their lives, consistent with their desires, but family members may find it extremely difficult to come to terms with such an outlook unless they have carefully thought through such a &lt;strong&gt;decision framework&lt;/strong&gt; beforehand. When we need to make such decisions quickly, having a framework to rely on will greatly reduce anxiety and minimize rash actions, so one should start thinking about these things when they are not under stress, as one may not have the heart to think about them in adverse circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I wish to address a very important issue that is especially pertinent if the fourth step is ever taken. &lt;strong&gt;Never blame yourself&lt;/strong&gt; for any decision you make &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; you did not at the point of decision intend to allow harm to come to innocent people, even if you later see in hindsight that a different decision would likely have a better outcome. This could be part of why you (and perhaps your father too) are quite stressed by such a medical directive, since it is indeed very taxing to deal with life-and-death decisions in light of hindsight, even hypothetically like now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is true that you are responsible to try to deal with any &lt;strong&gt;consequences&lt;/strong&gt; of your past decisions within reason and your ability, but you should not hold yourself responsible for any &lt;strong&gt;choices&lt;/strong&gt; that you could not reasonably have foreseen at the time to be a mistake, and neither should you let anyone try to make you feel guilty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above may not be so easy if you and your parents do not talk much about 'deep' stuff. However, there are usually sufficiently many opportunities that you need to grab quickly before they vanish. A person's remarks can subtly indicate his feelings about the environment he is in, and you can try to engage him further about related topics. Just off the top of my head, if talking about the weather you could ask him offhand what he would make the weather be if he could control it, or something along that line. Often, when people are asked open-ended questions, they tend to open up the most about their innermost desires and feelings. And if he starts talking about his work, you can try asking him more details about what he did for work today and generally about the people he interacted with at work. Based on &lt;strong&gt;little&lt;/strong&gt; actions and remarks one can often build quite a good picture of a person's character and principles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people who are more comfortable with direct questions, here are some that can really help you to understand them better:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What things in this world do you treasure the most?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you were granted a wish to have any kind of life that you want, what would you ask for?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you were given power to change anything in the world, what are the most important aspects you would change?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you were given a million US dollars, what would you do with it? What about a billion?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12070" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T16:39:51.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9708" CreationDate="2018-01-29T16:47:33.713" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;After the follow up questions in the comment section of the question for clarifications:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are &quot;authorized&quot; a &quot;couple hours&quot; a week between &quot;Your&quot; manager and &quot;Their&quot; manager&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tasks A,B in list are within the time-frame allotted (as previous runs have gone)... &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tasks C,D,..,Z in list are NOT within time-frame allotted.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This list and tasks are in project Amal...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have deliverables with your time allotted in project Breadbasket and project Cornucopia.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to your answer is in the included information above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for asking for my assistance in Project Amal. I'm always&#xA;  more than  happy to help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As such, I will work on tasks A &amp;amp; B which will allow you and your team&#xA;  to continue with tasks C through Z.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As much as I'd like to help with C through Z, my current schedule - as&#xA;  arranged by Manager John and Manager Jane - doesn't give me the&#xA;  bandwidth. The projects Breadbasket and Cornucopia are my priorities&#xA;  after task A &amp;amp; B are completed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they come back with any further questions about &quot;Why can't you do C through Z?&quot; the answer is simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I'm unable to help with that request at this time. My&#xA;  manager  John has authorized me 2 hours this week on project Amal in&#xA;  coordination with your manager Jane. Any further time devoted to&#xA;  project Amal will affect the time frame of Breakbasket and Cornucopia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you are unhappy with this, please feel free to have our managers&#xA;  work together on a schedule more conducive to the needs of the&#xA;  company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I wouldn't have any issues being more forthright (I'll pass my allotted time with those extra tasks and John will need to authorize more time.) but sometimes you have to dance around the topic to not offend sensibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Side Note/Discussion points&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't feel bad about saying &quot;I'm too good for that&quot; - in not those exact words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a programmer that gets paid $x/hour. Other tasks in the company are covered by people that get paid 1/2 to 1/3rd that rate - or less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can I hand code HTML, CSS, fix printer issues, trouble shoot virus problems, etc? Of course (not all programmers can mind you)... but I'm fully tasked and have deadlines. The company can also pay a fraction of what I cost to fix html and printers. They also have junior programmers that are paid less for the same reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not &quot;too good&quot; to do it... but I'm more valuable elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a fine line between those two statements. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At my last job, I was more than willing to fix printers and debug broken computers when our PC Tech got fired... but it made me lag behind our other developers - making me less valuable in the long run - and it affected all of our deliverable elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can &quot;slum it&quot; with the  lower level tasks if needed. You can also say &quot;That's a bad investment of company resources&quot;. There are right times for both statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally? I'd bring up these points to management (I have 10 years of experience and get paid x... wouldn't you rather have the college graduate who gets paid x/3 to take care of those tasks?). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's up to them to decide if you are worth it there or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="415" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T19:40:17.023" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T19:40:17.023" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9696" CreationDate="2018-01-29T17:12:38.740" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Context matters considerably...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When first meeting someone there are little signs of interest that are similar regardless of orientation. Are they checking you out? Are they flirting with you? Believe it or not LGBT+ people flirt in much the same ways that straight folks do, we're still humans after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're questioning your sexuality, or thinking about exploring, or expressing it, perhaps for the first time. That's great and I'm happy for you. Here's a few pointers that may make it easier to meet like minded people:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;There are most definitely places you can go where it's fair to assume that most people are not-hetero. Consider going out to LGBT+ bars and clubs, or a local Pride event. Many larger cities also have LGBT+ community centers and organizations (some organizations specifically cater to teenagers and young people)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to get a handle on your sexuality, and/or what sort of people you would like to date, before you start &lt;em&gt;experimenting&lt;/em&gt;. At least try to keep in mind that the person who you end up &lt;em&gt;experimenting&lt;/em&gt; with is a person with feelings. It's heart breaking to start a relationship with someone, only to find out later that they were just trying something out. Try to be honest with people, and your self, about where you're at.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Take things slow. It's easy to fall for the first person who accepts your sexuality, particularly if you're not &lt;em&gt;out&lt;/em&gt; and feel somewhat isolated. There are still plenty of fish in the sea, even if/when you're LGBT+. Date around, find someone you really love and want to be with. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's also worth noting that sexuality is a spectrum.  People aren't necessarily straight, gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Many people fall somewhere in between, some people prefer not to date at all. It's a spectrum not a team to join, don't be surprised, or worry, if you find that your interests aren't what you thought they were or that they change over time. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lastly... Enjoy your journey. It may seem strange and scary right now, but it doesn't have to be like that. Reach out. Find people in your community that have been where you are now, there's a huge loving community of LGBT+ people out there that are trying really hard to make it a little less strange and scary for people like you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are just starting points. After a little while, of spending time with LGBT+ people, you start to get a feel for what people are into. What initially feels like taking a big risk in asking out the wrong sort of person slowly diminishes, and even if/when you misread someone, it doesn't feel like a big deal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess there is such a thing as &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaydar&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;gaydar&quot;&lt;/a&gt; but I assure you that it isn't a super power... It's just something that you begin to notice with practice and spending time with LGBT+ folks. Like I said it isn't a super power, it isn't magic and sometimes your instincts may be misguided, so don't rely on it entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When in doubt, ask.&lt;/strong&gt; If you want to ask someone out on a date, ask them out on &lt;strong&gt;a date.&lt;/strong&gt; Seems a little obvious, I know, but it's the only foolproof way to know for sure if someone wants to go out on a date with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T17:12:38.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9727" CreationDate="2018-01-29T17:43:21.423" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a small solution that helps with what you specifically asked, but I would hesitate to use it unless you are sure you do not want to try and build a better relationship with your neighbours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The next time they are having a loud conversation right outside your window/at their front door &lt;em&gt;clear your throat&lt;/em&gt; loud enough that it will interrupt their conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will give some explanation since I know it sounds like a very awkward solution. The main reason I suggest it is because although it makes interactions with those neighbours potentially more weird, you mentioned that you were not too interested in becoming friends, and doing it accomplishes all of your goals very efficiently, which are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do not make your neighbours mad at you&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Decrease the amount and loudness of their conversations at the front door&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This helps with 1. as clearing your throat is a known gesture for politely alerting someone of your presence and in your situation, although it does interrupt their conversation with incredible awkwardness, it leaves the possibility open that you think they simply did not know you could hear them, and will happily move the conversation elsewhere. Implying that someone has good intentions is a great way of deterring bad ones, without accusing them which would risk them getting defensive/mad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also helps with 2. in decreasing the loudness in a few different ways. First, now that they know you can hear them at the door they may try to do the right thing out of respect and a mutual desire to get along. Second, it interrupts that immediate conversation and turns it cold. The sudden awkward interruption with the implied indication that they have woken somebody up or that an unseen stranger can hear your private conversation should stop just about anybody in their tracks. Lastly, it deters future conversations as they will naturally desire to avoid such an awkward moment in the future, and probably go to fair lengths to avoid &quot;avoid waking up the neighbour&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Edit: This is not just a one off and I honestly can not see a situation where your neighbours would be oblivious enough not to associate it with a repeated problem. If they don't however, repeating the same solution of clearing your throat to interrupt their conversation should form a pattern.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing this is somewhat rude/weird I know, but it solves your specified problem so I hope that it helps however it can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T03:38:21.147" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T03:38:21.147" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9727" CreationDate="2018-01-29T18:24:39.563" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, I'd suggest meeting the neighbors.  Stop by and introduce yourself.  'Hi, I'm Blackthorn from next door.  We haven't met yet.&quot;  And leave it at that; don't have your meeting them be the time you complain about their behavior.  Get to know them and let them get to know you and they won't associate you with complaining about their noise.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After meeting you and associating a name and a face, the next time this happens, stop by their house when everyone is awake.  Then explain to them: &quot;Hey, I just wanted to let you know that my bedroom is close to your front door.  So I can hear everything you say at your door.&quot;  If they're even average neighbors, they'll understand and watch what they do.  If not, then the next time they have a 2 am chat outside your window, open the window and say (politely), &quot;Guys, it's 2 in the morning and I have to go to work in the morning.  Can I ask you to take it inside?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T18:24:39.563" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-29T18:55:17.320" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer:  I am in no way affiliated with any of these types of products.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is at least one book, &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=I%27m%20dead%20now%20what&amp;amp;ie=utf-8&amp;amp;oe=utf-8&amp;amp;client=firefox-b-ab&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;I'm dead, now what&lt;/a&gt;?&quot; which contains questions about end of life decisions and spaces to answer.  Some of the questions provide some comic relief, making this somewhat awkward conversation a little bit easier to deal with.  The books are quite thorough and cover topics like life support, who gets what, preexisting burial plans, and more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that they are starting this conversation with you, I would either get a pair of books like this for your parents as a gift, or suggest to them that they look at them.  The humor included in some of the questions may be enough to persuade him to fill it out.  Some people I know love making lists, the fact that this type of book lists out the questions for them has encouraged them to fill it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal experience with the book doesn't pertain to this situation very well.  I just thought it was a good thing to have around, just in case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the humor and lists do not persuade him to help, you may benefit from picking a copy up for yourself.  It may help you by showing important questions that you have not thought of.  You could also keep these questions in mind while spending time with your parents - they may answer them over the course of normal conversation (this will take time).  If all else fails having a copy for yourself will allow you to slowly insert the important questions into your conversations, avoiding the need to know everything right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do decide to fill them out, you do not need to be present, but you should know where to find them in the event that the books are needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="538" LastEditorUserId="538" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T18:31:50.323" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T18:31:50.323" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-29T19:05:08.037" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Death is scary, it's no wonder you Dad doesn't want to talk about it.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the information provided in your question, I can only conclude that your father does not want to make those decisions.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;He has:&#xA;A) given you (and siblings) the legal power to make those decisions with him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B) And  refuses to have any conversation about but he would wish.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you ask :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I make my dad realize that he has to think about this stuff and&#xA;  provide us with some guidelines?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;first&lt;/strong&gt; you don't &lt;strong&gt;make&lt;/strong&gt; any one do/say/want anything.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Second&lt;/strong&gt;   it's clear given your fathers behavior that he does not want to think about end of life decisions at all.  He has even gone so far as to give you the legal power to make these decisions for him.  He has given you the responsibility to think about and make these decisions.  While I personally think it is a little cowardly to put that burden on your children, it is how he wants to do it.  &lt;strong&gt;You can either accept this responsibility or refuse it.&lt;/strong&gt;  If  it were up to me I would accept it and just not bring it up again, ( though I would say my piece if some one else brought it up).   But you should decide if you want/ and are capable of that shared responsibility with your siblings and make that choice yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I get him to provide us with information on his last wishes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bellow are some ideas that might help. But be warned it could take years doing these things for you Dad to open up and he still may not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Don't be pushy.  It sounds like the more you all push him for info the more he digs in his heals.  That is typical behavior for us human beings.  Pushing him will probably be counter productive to your goals. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) in a one on one conversation, tell him,  you appreciate his trusting you with these end of life decisions.  wait 3 seconds for him to respond if he doesn't or if he gets grumpy talk about football of fishing, or work.  The goal is to get him used to hearing about the subject with out pushing him too hard.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3)Tell him that it is scary to think about his death.  or that you don't like thinking about his passing.   This shows empathy and understanding which should help him feel more comfortable opening up to you over time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) tell him you love him and thank him for specific things he has done for you in your life.  Feeling your love and affection for him may over time convince him that he needs to return the favor and talk about things (end of life decisions) that you want him to talk about with you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="9980" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T15:52:45.010" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T15:52:45.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9739" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-29T19:16:23.003" Score="35" ViewCount="41013" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ever since &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/8711/how-to-handle-my-girlfriend-finding-out-about-my-second-apartment&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;this&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; happened, things have been very tense between my girlfriend and me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I spend every night at our apartment now, however I don't believe she trusts me at all anymore, and our relationship has lost all intimacy (this is probably more than fair). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm ready to admit my mistakes and move on from the relationship, and was planning on breaking up this weekend (I'm still trying to sublease the other apartment so I could just move there).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately her father has suddenly passed away, and she has been leaning on me for support. I am more than happy to be there for her, as she has also been there for me in the past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However, I don't know how to approach the break up in light of the recent passing of her father?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10905" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T20:59:20.853" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T20:23:31.370" Title="How to approach an inevitable breakup after sudden death in partner's family?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9740" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9693" CreationDate="2018-01-29T19:31:04.473" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the main thing here is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You want to let them know they are welcome, and you will be very happy if they can indeed make it. And you're happy to make whatever accommodations they need, if they do decide to come.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are not putting them under any pressure to come, or to stay if they get tired&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course conveying both 1 and 2 is a challenge. Pulling it off means you need to take account of the host's relationship to the invitee, the invitee's personality, and other imponderables. However, it's perfectly doable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a starting point, I'd consider something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We're having a party. We'd really love it if you can make it, but we know you're going through a hard time. If you do decide to come, we can offer you a bed/pick you up/drop you off at home early. If you can't come, we completely understand, and we send all our love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12076" LastEditorUserId="12076" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T19:27:52.910" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T19:27:52.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9739" CreationDate="2018-01-29T20:11:26.440" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;My answer assumes that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you're looking to end the relationship no matter what&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. If you think you may want to salvage it, or you have second thoughts, this may not be the best approach to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation you're in is quite sensitive. On one hand you feel as if the relationship is essentially dead and wish to move on. On the other you don't want to pile additional stress on your girlfriend in light of her father's recent passing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems clear that following the events detailed in your previous post, the relationship is on its last legs. Furthermore, it also seems like there were elements to it that were not sitting well with you in the first place (which influenced your previous decisions). You've made up your mind regarding wanting to move on, and at this point you're only still there because you want to be considerate toward her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal opinion is that although she's still leaning on you (perhaps due to familiarity, or perhaps due to proximity), the outcome of the situation is not really in doubt. Once a couple of weeks have passed since the funeral, and the initial shock of the situation has worn off, I'd make my move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important part here is not necessarily your timing (2 vs 3 weeks doesn't really matter IMO), but more the content of your message, and the way you deliver it. She will still be missing her father regardless of whether you're around or not. The point here is that you probably can't lessen the pain of the passing in any way. You can only be considerate in how you part ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit her down for a private talk, and be honest with her. Say that you feel that the relationship is irreparably broken, and that you think it would be best to part ways. If you think you'd be open to trying to rekindle things, mention that you're open to trying to rebuild trust, but that in the mean time you will be moving out, and leaving her the apartment. Make sure to underline that you'll be there if she wants to talk, or needs any help, but that you will be out of the apartment by &lt;strong&gt;[deadline here]&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would keep the initial message short, and base any follow ups on her reaction. She may simply nod, and say she agrees. Or she may ask you why you're giving up on her, etc. Be prepared to elaborate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to remain calm and collected at all times. Don't raise your voice, and don't change your mind. It's worse to say you're moving out and not follow through, than it is to move out, then move back in if things improve. Remember that you're moving out because the current situation is making both of you (and especially you) miserable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T21:18:32.620" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T21:18:32.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9739" CreationDate="2018-01-29T20:12:04.693" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should break up with them soon and in a clear and unambiguous manner. Sticking with someone out of a feeling of obligation is a breeding ground for resentment. The longer you're with your girlfriend the worse it's going to get. It's better to end it now than to reveal later that you've only been staying with them because you didn't they were emotionally stable enough to handle it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make the break up about them. You should explain that you have come to the conclusion that this relationship isn't working for you. If you are asked for an explanation don't put the blame on them. Use feeling words and &lt;em&gt;I statements&lt;/em&gt;. Acknowledge that how soon it's been makes the situation more complicated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that the goal of the conversation is to end your relationship cleanly, with minimal pain. This isn't the time for airing grievances or coming out on top. Try not to engage or debate points. This is why statements about your feelings are so important they make it hard for people to argue against. Have a plan for if things don't go well and it turns into an argument or a shouting match. If possible try to have an alternate place to sleep while you work on disentangling your live. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have empathy for her position and her feelings. This isn't a good time to break up with her but there is never a good time for a breakup. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-01-29T20:27:12.527" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T20:27:12.527" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9744" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-29T20:26:09.017" Score="9" ViewCount="1855" Body="&lt;p&gt;A new friend has led a rough life, an ex drug user that still seems to have street ties that come with way too much drama for us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She put my husband and me in an uncomfortable position last week by yelling and threatening some guy when we stopped at a gas station. We had no idea what was going on and it felt like we were being sucked into drama we didn't ask for. It turned us off completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also felt uncomfortable with how emotionally attached she has expressed she is to me already. After only knowing her for 2 months, she's professing how much she loves me and is grateful for us to be her friends. She keeps asking for rides and I don't drive. My husband feels uncomfortable saying no but he doesn't want anything to do with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We moved to this new town to start a new life and to rid ourselves of people with these kinds of qualities. I feel I'm in an uncomfortable position, since she talks to me on Facebook every day and I feel like I'm hiding from her by not being online. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to go about discontinuing our friendship with her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12079" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T10:29:29.547" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T21:55:46.760" Title="New friend put us in awkward position" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9744" CreationDate="2018-01-29T20:44:30.520" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've decided that this person is not the sort you want around. It happens. Breaking things off is not as difficult as you think, although it will require you to go through some unpleasant situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two ways to go about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The Direct Approach&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask to meet her in a public location, such as a cafe. I personally think that this would go easier if it were simply you and her, with your husband possibly waiting in the car nearby to pick you up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her that you're not comfortable with some of the situations you've endured due to her involvement in your life, and that you'd like the relationship (I would not call it a friendship) to end. Ask her not to call, write, or otherwise bother you. Be polite, but very firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: Hey, I'm glad you could make it. I've got something difficult to say, so I'm just going to cut to the chase: I'd like to end our relationship. The fact is that being around you has caused both [husband] and myself to be involved in some situations we want no part of. I hope you understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then walk away. You can then unfriend/block her, and cease to reply to any future messages. If you run into her in public, you can simply ignore her, as she will likely ignore you. Such is life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I like about this approach is that there's no ambiguity, and, much like ripping off a band-aid, once the initial pain of that interaction passes, you're probably done. However, not everyone is comfortable going through that. Hence ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The Indirect Approach&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't contact this person anymore. Don't invite her places, and don't include her in events. When she asks to meet (her place, or for a night out), say you're busy. If she asks for a ride, politely refuse (don't elaborate). Block her on social media such that she never sees you online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will either get the message that she's no longer welcomed, or perhaps force a conversation much like the one above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In time, when she's stopped trying to get in touch with you, you can simply delete her from your contact lists, or block her altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach has the advantage of potentially avoiding a difficult conversation (at least in the short term). The down-side, however, is that this is not guaranteed in the long term, and &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;may&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; lead to various embarrassing situations where she's inviting you places, and you're stuck making excuses as to why you can't attend. If you're certain you want nothing more to do with her, I would go with the first approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T20:54:23.903" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9739" CreationDate="2018-01-29T20:46:23.993" Score="101" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me offer my perspective as someone who was in a similar(ish) situation to your girlfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father passed away when I was in a new relationship. This loss was life changing for me, and my girlfriend had a hard time finding her role in helping me with my grief. I had heard that you aren't supposed to make big life decisions after this kind of event, so when I thought about breaking up with her, I decided to would wait a year and see how I felt. I did, and we eventually got married. Dealing with my grief turned me into a new person, and my girlfriend was there to help shape me into who I am today. Having her there was incredibly important to me, even if I wasn't sure at the time how I felt about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your girlfriend is so vulnerable right now, I would advise you to table your own feelings and continue to support her. You are still in a committed relationship, even though you have broken things off in your mind already (though it sounds like your doubts are more related to how you perceive she feels about you than how you actually feel about her). You shouldn't abandon someone who depends on you in such a critical moment, and the loss of a parent can take months/years to restore the person to any degree of normalcy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to stick with her for a while and be as supportive as you can. When you feel she is ready for a conversation, tell her that you feel like you have lost her trust. Tell her that you want to continue supporting her through her hard time, but that it is difficult for you to operate in a relationship without trust. Then listen to her side of things and decide together whether or not to continue your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; It is true that it is inconvenient to you that her father passed away, but it is life changing for her. Sometimes we must deal with inconveniences in order to help people that need us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not suggesting that you shoulder the burden of emotional care for her at this time - rather, I'm saying that you already shouldered it when you entered a serious relationship with her. The time for giving up on your relationship and shrugging your responsibility to this girl is over, at least until she has healed some. The length of time to wait for any conversation about break-ups should be decided carefully and is certainly much longer than 2 weeks as some have suggested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T20:23:31.370" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T20:23:31.370" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-29T21:11:55.780" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another way to look at this is that it is less important that you know your fathers wishes, and more important that you and your brothers agree on what you would do in certain situations.  Approaching it this way could lead to getting feedback from your father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making difficult decisions for your father without guidance would be extremely challenging, but this would be even more difficult and damaging if you and your brothers have different ideas about what should happen. These kinds of disputes can tear families apart and lead to long term estrangement from one another. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start there, with your brothers. You could outline a variety of health situations and talk about what you all think would be best in those situations, document those cases and your agreements on them. Because the scenarios are hypothetical, you can all take the time to discuss them in detail and work through differences of opinion without emotions running high as they would in a true medical situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, once you have this outline on paper, you could present it back to your father for his review.  He might feel more inspired/able to make notes on specific decisions with regards to specific scenarios, and doing so in writing on his own time makes the process more detached and less emotional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, even if your father does not respond to the document at all, at least you and your brothers will be prepared to handle future decisions in a coordinated way and avoid it causing long term disputes between you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once this is done, you might want to consider reviewing such documents every year or two, to see if opinions have changed and keep it up to date. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4557" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T21:11:55.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9748" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9727" CreationDate="2018-01-29T22:35:38.757" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think them going inside is going to be a hassle (like being less loud might be) so I suggest a direct approach knock at their door at a reasonable time and say something like this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, my name is John I'm your neighbor, am I interrupting? I just wanted to mention that my window is very close to your doorstep and I hear almost everything happening at the doorstep; I don't mind it most of the times but it wakes me up at 2AM it would  really help me if you could either tone it down or just enter the house and talk in there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general I don't think the direct approach is the best route to go but here you are asking very little of them (just to watch what they are saying at 2AM at doorstep). Speaking from personal experience living with a friend who is known to approach people who complain about noise with hostility; when he was approached with a neighbor who simply said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand playing music and noise and everything but I can't sleep, can you just tune it down at night?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He didn't get angry he just put the volume down a bit, this is because the neighbor didn't come aggressive and because he didn't judge him because of the music but simply pointed out that he can't sleep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So perhaps the main point is to approach them without any anger and like you're asking them for a favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3689" LastActivityDate="2018-01-29T22:35:38.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9750" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-29T23:56:24.590" Score="15" ViewCount="1295" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my job, I have a lot of individual consultations&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;, and I'd like some help figuring out how to behave when these are ending. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For context, this is in a small town in the Midwestern US, in an area where folks really prize &quot;niceness&quot; and certain types of courtesy (for example, it's quite common here for folks to hold a door for someone who they see coming fifteen feet away...who will then hold the next door for the first person amidst much &lt;em&gt;thank-you&lt;/em&gt;ing and &lt;em&gt;no, no, after you&lt;/em&gt;ing, in what I call &quot;airlock leapfrog&quot;). I'm generally sitting at my computer, with my visitor sitting sort of at a right angle so we can face one another and also both see the computer screen when necessary. My office isn't huge, and my desk is right next to the door (the diagram shows just this part of my office).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/7zol3.gif&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/7zol3.gif&quot; alt=&quot;Diagram of detail of office layout, showing door in upper right, with visitor&amp;#39;s chair immediately to the left of the door and my desk immediately to the left of the visitor&amp;#39;s chair.&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My office opens off the main part of the workspace, with a straight line-of-sight to the exit (there isn't any waiting area or hallway, just an atrium-type space). My door generally stays open throughout.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These appointments are pretty casual; often they're actually scheduled, but they can also be spur-of-the-moment, drop-in appointments. There is a little bit of hierarchy involved, but 99% of the time the person meeting with me and I have no direct authority over one another, and I'm generally in the position of aiding my visitor with their endeavor. I'm an adult woman; most often my visitors are young adults (younger than me), but they can be as young as nine or ten and as old as nature allows. Sometimes this is the first time I've met the other person, and sometimes they're someone I work with regularly, but either way they're usually familiar with the building and the institution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is usually a very natural end to the appointment, either because we've solved the immediate issue or due to time constraints. At that point I generally say something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It looks like you're all set/on the right track/we're out of time. Feel free to drop me an email if you get stuck or have more questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's all fine. The problem arises after this point, when the other person stands up to walk out of my office. There's almost always a minute or more of awkwardness when they're gathering up their stuff and getting ready to walk out, while I'm not sure whether to also stand up or stay seated, and if I stay seated whether to continue interacting with the other person in some way, or whether to turn my attention away somehow. The latter feels rude, but the former feels artificial as they really don't need me to help them find their way a half a step to the (open) door. Continuing to interact also runs the risk of extending the conversation, when I sometimes really need to move on to the next task or appointment (and my visitor might be itching to get moving, too).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably worth noting that I don't find that the kinds of differences I mentioned above (age, how often I meet with them, what exactly we're meeting about) matter much to the awkwardness, except in the case of a few really really close friends (I work with my spouse, which is totally different).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my priorities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get the person out of my office cleanly, meaning no extra ten minutes of polite chit-chat.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do this without seeming rude or as if I've shut off my concern for my visitor—I would like my visitors' leaving impression of me to be generally positive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Feel relaxed and confident, rather than awkward and unsure, during this leave-taking, so that my visitors can feel that way, too (at least about the leave-taking).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm especially interested in advice about issues like body language and conversation, but if something like reconfiguring my office seems wise I'm open to that, as well (assuming there's an IP-related reason for it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;sub&gt;For those who are curious, I'm an academic librarian, so these are primarily research consultations with students mixed in with some meetings with fellow faculty about various topics and the occasional community member. I imagine this issue arises for lots of professions, though.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastEditorUserId="378" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T04:22:35.717" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T14:59:51.043" Title="How to gracefully usher people out of my office at the conclusion of an appointment?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9751" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-30T00:13:37.183" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have the power to make decisions for your parents at a point in time where your parents can't make the decisions themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, your parents don't know what would be the right decisions to make, because they would be in a situation that is completely outside their life experience. So they cannot tell you how you should decide, because right now they don't know themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What they want you to do is when they time comes, to take responsibility, and make decisions to the best of your ability. Why does your father not talk about it? Because it is an utterly unpleasant subject. What are his wishes? For you to do the best you can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider that most likely by the time you need to act you will have a lot more life experience than you have today. Your dad doesn't have to think about this at all. You will do the thinking when the time comes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T00:13:37.183" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9750" CreationDate="2018-01-30T01:59:23.103" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Midwestern nice&quot; is kind of a challenge to deal with.  Yes, there's visiting afterward, but there's also a desire to not aggravate or offend others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What works well for me is to say something like, &quot;Well, it's been a good meeting.  I've got things to do and I'm sure you do as well.  Thanks for coming by!&quot; and walk them toward the door  That usually gets the point across that the meeting is over and we both have more to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T01:59:23.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9750" CreationDate="2018-01-30T02:31:33.913" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is there any hallway, corridor, or any length of space one must traverse after leaving your office to get to the building's front door? This wouldn't work for regulars, but for those who visit on occasion, you can use explaining the way out so they don't get lost as an excuse to sort of stand up and move toward the doorway, which should lead to them exiting, you pointing down the hall and explaining &quot;turn left there and then the door is on your left&quot; or whatever the layout in your building may be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work for any number of reasons, you should not feel obligated to interact as they are gathering their things. By this I mean, packing up notebooks, laptops, pens, books, whatever may have been out or in use during the meeting or given to them by you... also, putting on a coat, digging for keys, whatever it is that people do in those moments. However, as soon as the person is done with whatever task that is, 99% of the time they will look at you. A smile and a &quot;Well, it was great seeing you, and if you end up having any questions, feel free to email me,&quot; or whatever is appropriate for the situation / your relationship with the person usually should suffice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3640" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T02:31:33.913" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-30T02:35:55.117" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a retired physician who for a time worked in a hospice within a nursing home in the state of Connecticut USA. I mention a specific jurisdiction because states in the U.S. vary widely in how these documents are constructed and what they cover. It sounds as though there were two documents: a power of attorney for financial affairs as well as a durable power of attorney for medical matters. It seems unlikely that they were part of the same document, but as I said the laws vary considerably, so that remains a guess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to be more limited (compared to my physician wife) in what I want to be done to prolong my life if recovery is unlikely and want to minimize the time I might spend in a bedridden or painful existence and also minimize the expenses to what might become my familiy's estate.  If your father remains unwilling to discuss the specifics, then you will need to use &quot;substituted judgment&quot; in the event of a crisis requiring decisions for accept surgery or invasive medical treatment. In the absence of an expressed wish to limit care, the default in law as well as in practice is that medical efforts are chosen on the basis of the potential for prolonging the duration of a patient's life. So at the moment, my strategy is to rely on my wife and son with whom I have had discussions over the years about my values and specific scenarios. Your father, on the other hand, is choosing &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to express a specific rule or principle regarding limiting medical care. I see that as an implicit choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take some comfort that you should have medical support to help frame the choices. Your father's physicians should present options and then ask what you think your father would choose. The fact that he is not interested in expressing even an overall set of principles to guide you is really saying that he has not come to grips with making any particular choice to limit care. As I said before the decision not to make a limiting decision leaves the matter at the default position of choosing to maximize life's duration. Perhaps he can be encouraged to discuss such issues with his physician.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As time goes on you father will probably encounter situations where he will have the opportunity to reflect on his current implicit decision not to limit care. Stay available to discuss it in light of his reflections regarding illnesses of friends and family, or regarding portrayal he encounters in television, literature, or movies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12093" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T02:35:55.117" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9755" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-01-30T04:24:10.803" Score="21" ViewCount="5983" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't have the best social awareness, though I try to compensate, so occasionally after a party, or just time around people, a friend will message me to let me know that I was coming off creepy around someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I consider this a good thing, the issue is that I can't usually work out what it was I actually said or did that came off badly, and they aren't usually forthcoming with detail, seemingly because it's an awkward topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a polite way to ask them to go into specifics?&lt;/strong&gt; I know it's going to be awkward, but I also know that remaining oblivious and making people feel uncomfortable at parties is probably worse in the long run. I've tried hinting, but they will tend to be evasive, and it's natural for me at this point to let them be, as I hate awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12097" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-20T11:33:46.417" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T11:33:46.417" Title="How do I ask why they think I was being creepy?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9708" CreationDate="2018-01-30T04:44:52.533" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just very nicely and happily chirp that you are more than happy to help them!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, (you now put on a sad face worthy of an Academy Award) you have a number of things that need to get done (you are not obligated to share what it is that needs to get done unless it is (of course) your manager.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Continue to look sad until they walk out of your cubicle, then toss their file on to your (secret) reject pile, and let it sit there until it rots...after all,  your managers barely speak to each other, and your manager will probably give you a promotion because you made his/her priorities your priorities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they come into your cubicle screaming that they missed their deadline because you failed to help them &quot;achieve their lofty goals.&quot; You will put on your Academy Award distraught act, and inform them that you are inundated with work, and that you will try better next time (not!). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a while, you will gain the reputation of being someone of high ideals, and meaning well (almost ready for sainthood), but just too busy to help anyone. &gt;:)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12098" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T05:20:12.343" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T05:20:12.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9755" CreationDate="2018-01-30T04:49:58.603" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should ask where you went wrong at the same time when they tell you this. I'd suggest not to ask it in front of all. You can say like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, thanks for letting me know. I didn't realize. Can you please tell me where I went wrong? What should I have done instead of this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can skip the latter once you're aware of what to do or you have a better idea. If they tell you this and you can improve, then it's all good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After getting information from them, try correcting your behavior. If you don't follow this, you will not only be making people uncomfortable, but also discouraging other people from explaining things to you in future. Those suggestions may not be pleasant to hear, but we all have to learn how to behave, so take them as a constructive feedback. You can also think about how you should have behaved and then compare it with their suggestions. In this way, you will learn effectively and will not make people uncomfortable in the first place in order to learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember to not to argue with what you are told or justifying your action because this will also discourage people who are trying to help you improve your social skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After been in the same situations for many times, I asked where I went wrong. Their suggestions, not all but most, worked and helped improving my behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have seen people not learning from their mistakes. I've also seen them saying &quot;but...&quot; and arguing and justifying their actions when someone told them not to behave as such. I'd suggest to avoid this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't tell you and you have no idea what to do, try reading gesture and reactions of people at the parties next time. This way you will know what to do and what to not. However, I'd advise not to do this in a way you make person in front uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T09:08:19.483" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T09:08:19.483" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9755" CreationDate="2018-01-30T05:16:40.647" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key is not to do this via a written message, but either in person or over the phone. This way, you'll understand much more, and the other person will be naturally more encouraged to watch for your reactions, your understanding, and your confusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point one has to start asking oneself whether the other person is really being as benevolent as he would like to believe. There are constructive ways of letting a friend know about a social boo-boo, and there are hurtful ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that after you've had a chance to get a fuller explanation from your friend, you explain that when you get a message with negative feedback, it makes life difficult (e.g. brings on insomnia, digestion problems -- whatever the case may be). And therefore you'd like to ask that negative feedback not be shared via a written message the same evening as the incident. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt; There is another approach possible, and that is to ask this friend to help you &lt;em&gt;during&lt;/em&gt; the interaction, as a behavior &lt;em&gt;buddy&lt;/em&gt; rather than as a behavior &lt;em&gt;cop&lt;/em&gt;, with a prearrange signal to let you know that it's time to pause and reflect before continuing down whatever path you are on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T22:01:25.867" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T22:01:25.867" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9739" CreationDate="2018-01-30T05:24:08.413" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Can I suggest a different approach? Imagine for a moment that you and your girlfriend were absolutely committed to each other and, therefore, were prepared to do whatever it takes to make your relationship work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were that committed, what kinds of things could you do, both as an individual and as a couple, to repair the relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would you address the difference in your introversion and extroversion (which you described in your other question)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would you overcome the lack of trust which has crept into your relationship? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What truths have you withheld because they were embarrasing or telling a lie was more convenient?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could you think of yourself less as an individual and more as part of a couple?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would you do to support your girlfiend as she grieves the loss of her father?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now considering your answers to the above questions, which of those things could you do right now to make your relationship better (even though you currently don't have that level of commitment to each other)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your other question you said that you love your girlfriend, so why assume that the relationhip can't be fixed and leave (when it might be fixable and great for both of you if you were more committed to each other and to working things out)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, FWIW, is the purpose of marriage - to commit to each other so deeply that you have to work together as a couple (rather than individuals who happen to share a bed and living space) and work things out (rather than leaving when things get hard).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8029" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T05:24:08.413" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9761" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9750" CreationDate="2018-01-30T05:27:17.687" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest you step out of your office, once you're done with the encounter, on a real or pretend errand.  Here are some possible reasons to step out of your office:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;heading to the bathroom (or a euphemism such as &quot;down the hall&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;filling your filtering water pitcher&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;filling your little watering can for your plants&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;stretch your legs&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;go upstairs to talk to Purchasing&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;check on someone/something&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;need a change of scenery&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;pick up your sweater that I left at in someone's office&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;need to deliver some paperwork to someone (ask the someone ahead of time to play along)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;photocopy something&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;pick something up from the printer&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;see if your fax arrived&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;go get a volume from the stacks&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;get a breath of fresh air outside&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;see if it's warmed up yet&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;throw out your banana peel&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;get your lunch from the refrigerator&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;heat up your coffee/tea&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;say hi to someone you saw walk by&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;go get some office supplies&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T05:27:17.687" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9513" CreationDate="2018-01-30T05:33:22.513" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only thing I see to stress it more is to talk about some ultimate solutions to not having kids. And by that I mean:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk about permanent contraception&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk about life fulfillment without kids&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do some research about permanent contraception and think about it. What you should do is to say that you are thinking about permanent contraception since you are decided to not have kids. This will show you mean it really seriously to your date. Be confident about it, otherwise it may seem like you might change mind later. What I am not saying is to have an operation, or to say you are going to do it in near future. Just show that this option is on the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you do not want to have kids, how will you keep your life fulfilled? You should show clear vision. As a (multiple) parent I can say that having a child brings lot of joy, stress and concern to my life. It keeps me happy and motivated. Child and his future become more important than me. Find things in your future that will have same effect and talk about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to why they might not take you seriously now.&#xA;You do not state your reasons to not have kids. Except of serious genetic disorder that child might carry with high probabilty there is space to talk it out and overcome it. So it is good to ask about how your date honestly see it (and you probably already do). But still it might come later in relationship as you noted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sidenotes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In comments you mentioned hysterectomy. By permanent contraception I mean something permanent but reversible like tubal ligation. In the end there is &quot;Never say never&quot; saying, both you and your date might change stance in future even when you now agree on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1644" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T05:33:22.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9765" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9812" CreationDate="2018-01-30T07:35:05.130" Score="23" ViewCount="8244" Body="&lt;p&gt;We've been living together for about a year. Things don't always go as well as they should due to my partner postponing chores A LOT. I on the other hand like to be organised as doing things on time leaves us with more time to do other things and the chance to go to bed earlier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner often takes a nap, has a bath, watches TV or whatever and this way postpones doing chores, which sometimes results in the excuse &quot;It's too late to do chores now, I will do them tomorrow.&quot; This is seriously getting on my nerves and we sometimes get in a fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make my partner realise it's better to do things on time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that procrastinating is hard to give up. I understand that I may be overreacting or a little pushy. But it is very important to me to have free time and be relaxed rather than be anxious about chores that have to be done, but haven't yet. Sometimes I have no proper clothes to wear because they haven't been ironed when they should have been. We also don't have time to do things together on the weekdays because of this behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop living together with my partner is not an option (at least for now)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Chores are equally divided. We work the same hours and arrive at home at the same time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My partner is also studying for their master degree. But sometimes studying is also postponed with various excuses&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T14:57:00.887" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T10:46:32.273" Title="How to ask my partner not to postpone chores?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-30T08:07:15.437" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not sure if you can stop someone from procrastinating, because as you said it IS very difficult and you cannot change another person. The only thing you can do is to have an honest talk with them and talk about how that makes you feel. If they are able to control themselves it's nice, but if not there is not much you can do except for adapting your cleaning plan so it might fit better with procrastinators.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.G.:&#xA;I live in a shared flat for about half a year now. And i believe we are able to manage it pretty good. As we have different hours of being at home, due to work, study or hobbies we almost never do chores at the same time because its simply not possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So we came up with a simple idea. We have a chart for about 30 weeks (how long fits on the paper) and our flat is split into 4 parts as we are also 4 people. For example we have kitchen, toilet, bathroom and corridor. And each person has to do one of these four parts PER WEEK. This means that every person can use their free time as they wish as long as its done within this week. And then it rotates for the next week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was the most stress-free and working variant we could come up with and it works pretty well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="4967" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T18:02:44.813" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T18:02:44.813" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-30T08:17:40.930" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;A tricky one indeed! There's no easy short-cut, but there are 2 things that can help over time: Boundaries and Positive Reinforcement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/9766/1599&quot;&gt;MansNotHot&lt;/a&gt; has already brilliantly covered boundaries. Funnily enough I use the exact same system! Scheduling it too so there's enough time (I.e. People have a whole week to complete a task in their time)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for positive reinforcement: When your partner completes their chores, graciously thank them for it. Give them recognition with no degree of &quot;it's about time&quot;. Make sure you do this every time. Over time it makes it less burdensome when the partner is offering positive reinforcement (the carrot) instead of having to nag (the stick).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I saw this with my brother, curiously. He seldom helped with the washing, and the few times he did my parents went all &quot;ZOMG HE'S WASHING!&quot; - his response was to quietly say to me &quot;see? This is why I don't bother.&quot; - So be encouraging :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7866" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T09:05:13.310" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T09:05:13.310" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9768" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9771" CreationDate="2018-01-30T08:48:06.990" Score="9" ViewCount="1862" Body="&lt;p&gt;Our family dog is a very cheerful border collie. She's great with people, kids too, but not with other dogs. She is scared of them. We got her when she was a year old and she never learned to walk on a leash. She is currently 4 years old. I've slowly been training her to walk on a leash, but she's very stubborn and difficult when on the leash and a lot easier to handle when she can run around freely. We live quite rural and she generally ignores other dogs, so it hasn't been a problem so far. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the dog is technically my father's dog, I have been training her mainly since he does not. Every morning he takes her for a short walk, off the leash. I was in the yard and I could hear but not see what happened. I heard my father screaming &quot;come here&quot;, followed by two dogs, one quite obviously ours, fighting and my father continuing to scream at our dog. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then opened the gate and found our dog sitting outside it, clearly scared. I took her in the yard and my father followed after speaking with the other dog's owner. The dog acted submissive and scared. My father proceeded to scream at her for not listening. She tried to flee to me, but he pulled her back and hit her. Not very hard, but she seemed hurt. My father now wants everyone to walk the dog on the leash only since &quot;she can't listen&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I disagree with his behaviour and also with his premise. I'm no behaviour expert, but I am fairly certain dogs are no different than humans. She reacted out of fear and my father made her fear worse. I think she needed to be calmed down instead. He left for work a few hours ago, but she is still scared. I have sent my boyfriend to calm her down while I'm at work, but I'm very worried about her mental state and father possibly making her fears worse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since our dog cannot explain herself in anything but body language, how can I help my father understand how her emotions work and that treating her badly is not okay? Note that my father has Asperger's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An answer explaining how I can tell him why what he is doing is bad is great, but one explaining how I can actually help him understand what the dog needs is even better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="12101" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T08:59:58.287" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T14:33:53.757" Title="How can I help my father understand our dog's needs?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;pets&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-30T08:48:59.623" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;(Quick note: I'll be using your &quot;them/they&quot; style despite it feeling unnatural for me :) )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 1:&lt;/strong&gt; Talk with them about the procrastination. Make sure they understand that it is a problem and ask them if they want to work on it with your support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't want to do anything about it you should bring up that this will become a problem for your relationship in the long run. Having someone with strict planning and a procrastinator together can work as long as you're both willing to compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 2:&lt;/strong&gt; Assuming they do want to find a compromise you can start working on a planning. Like &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/9766/1599&quot;&gt;MansNotHot&lt;/a&gt; suggests in his answer this most likely will not be a strict plan of &quot;do this task today before free time&quot;. It's fine as long as you got a reasonable deadline. For example: This week is your laundry week, and I need my clean clothes by Thursday. You can choose when to do it as long as it's done by Thursday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you both agree on how strict the deadlines should be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 3:&lt;/strong&gt; Talk about how they want you to remind them of the deadlines if needed. A good way I found out for myself (being a procrastinator myself) is to ask for a specific time when they plan to do something. It does not have to be right now, it can just as well be just in time to make that deadline. But make sure they tell you when they intend to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because they told you when, you can &quot;force&quot; them to do it when that time arrives. Do not give them a choice to back up at that time anymore (unless you notice it's been a really busy week then you can both agree to postpone some chores to the weekend or something, you probably experienced this yourself as well). If they really still procrastinate you'll have to go back to step 2 but force a stricter planning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall remember that rewarding good behaviour works far better than punishing bad behaviour. From time to time explicitly show that you appreciate them finishing the chores in time. Even more so when they did some earlier than the deadline. If you ever get the chance you can also use the moments they finished early by saying things like: &quot;Hey, now that we're both done with our chores, let's go do [thing you both like]&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they didn't make a deadline you can try to word it like so: &quot;It looks like you still didn't do the dishes yesterday. This makes me a bit sad since I was planning to spend some time together this evening. Would you mind quickly doing it when you get home / right now, so that there's still some time to [snuggle/play some game together/whatever you want to do together]&quot;. This way you make it clear that you're not really punishing him, but he's hurting you when he doesn't do what's expected of him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When played right, you can become a real motivator for them to do their tasks and if he too puts in the effort it becomes a great way to improve your relationship together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Worst case:&lt;/strong&gt; Nothing works and they still always postpone chores. &#xA;When talking doesn't solve anything anymore and you tried to work it out for several more months. Then truly consider for yourself to end your relationship. It won't work if the other side doesn't want to solve major problems with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that's really only the last option. Since they already agreed with you on the fair split of chores it looks like they do want to make it work. Always try to stay positive and talk with them in a possitive way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T10:18:53.950" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T10:18:53.950" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-30T09:15:19.237" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Chronic procrastinators are recognised in psychology. You may not believe this, but procrastinators are often also 'perfectionists'. One of the reasons they put off a task is because they want to do it so completely that they imagine it will take a lot longer to do than anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, both procrastination and perfectionism ultimately lead to misery. No perfectionist can be as great as they aspire to be, and the mounting chores which you think they don't care about really WILL be nagging at them.  Their behaviour of napping and bathing may indicate that they are suffering from some negative emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some kind of rota (schedule/roster) might help. If they are a perfectionist this will also appeal to that side of their nature. Draw up a written rota that involves cleaning perhaps one room per day and emphasise that this will enable you to clean the whole house every week but only take a few minutes each day. Set a time for doing this such as when you both arrive home or immediately after your evening meal, but &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; you both relax for the evening. Insist that you do it together and that this will be even quicker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more structured organisation there is, the better. Have a system in place for everything, washing baskets for dirty laundry etc. Being organised will enable you both to 'tidy as you go' which is the same as doing some chores incrementally. Of course not every chore can be done this way. As they put off chores by doing leisure activities, suggest they do tasks like ironing whilst watching a movie at the same time, or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, once they get into a rhythm with chores their outlook will improve. They may realise that certain tasks &lt;em&gt;aren't&lt;/em&gt; going to take as long as they imagine, and &lt;em&gt;aren't&lt;/em&gt; as bad as they imagine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T12:25:35.637" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T12:25:35.637" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9768" CreationDate="2018-01-30T09:27:19.717" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 1&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realize that your dog probably should be walking on a leash. Since she is scared of other dogs you never know how she will respond when getting near one. It may be completely the fault of the other dog (and trainer) for challenging your dog. The issue is that you can only control your dog by pulling back the leash in a situation like that. I'm assuming something like this happened while your father was walking the dog and your father himself got scared for losing control of the dog. In that aspect I fully have to agree with your father that you should no longer walk the dog without a leash when you might encounter other dogs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(&lt;em&gt;Note that you should also teach your dog that the leash is a good thing, but that's not the question here&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 2&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk with your dad and start with stating the fact that he's right in leashing the dog from now on. Continue with telling him you feel sad that the dog got punished THAT hard for being scared and defending herself (especially hitting a dog should never be done). And try to find a middle ground from now on where you're both happy with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Side note&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to talk with your father in a calm way to find out what exactly happened to make him punish your dog so hard. Perhaps it's worse than you realize, perhaps he really was scared himself and couldn't really control it (made worse with the Asperger's?). Make sure to come across as friendly and not like you're pointing a finger at him when you do this. Otherwise he'll just get defensive and probably get mad at you as if you're trying to pick a fight with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you can try to formulate it like this (feel free to change it to your usual manner of speaking of course):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey dad, I'm still feeling a bit upset about what happened with [dog] the other day. I'm not trying to point a finger at you or anything, but I'd just like to know what exactly happened to make you react so strongly. Could you explain it in detail, please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T10:51:34.583" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T10:51:34.583" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9708" CreationDate="2018-01-30T09:38:24.637" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is what managers are for. This is their &lt;em&gt;job&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is a task you don't think belongs on your list, talk to your manager. Your own manager only.  Do what your &lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; manager tells you.  They are the only one who can set your priorities.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to not waste your managers time, talk about &lt;em&gt;types&lt;/em&gt; of tasks rather than &lt;em&gt;specific&lt;/em&gt; tasks.  Also be ready to answer questions about how much time you use on these tasks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible your manager will say &quot;Just do it&quot;, in which case you do. Or they may say &quot;Don't do it&quot;, in which case you don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What other managers or employees think is not relevant. Just say &quot;According to [My manager], that is not my task.  Talk to them.&quot;  Repeat &quot;Talk to them, not me&quot; as many times as necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4713" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T09:38:24.637" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9773" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9775" CreationDate="2018-01-30T09:43:02.947" Score="3" ViewCount="812" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few months ago, I got in touch with a recruiter that was offering job positions for an industry I'm interested in. I sent my CV to her, she requested some changes to it, then more changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, I only ever got asked to change stuff on the CV and that my salary requirements were too high etc. but never got any job offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime however, I was able to get offers myself relatively easily, with the same CV and same salary. So I let her (politely) know that I'd be already in touch with a company and thanked her for the effort that she already put in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't receive any reply to this until a few weeks later - she asked me in an email if there are any updates to my job search. I was quite surprised by that, because how my job search is going is private matters and I didn't reply (that might have been rude.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then, I got three more emails with the same content from that person. My question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to make it clear that I don't want to be in touch anymore without starting an argument via email?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12105" LastEditorUserId="11262" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T09:57:53.827" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T18:25:51.243" Title="How to break contact with a headhunter?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-30T09:50:10.627" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had the problem with my companion too, and was able to solve it over time (a LONG time), so here are my two cents, I hope it can help. Of course, I did the &quot;good honest talk&quot; with him exposing the problems and stress that came with him postponing his chores, almost always. Each time, he did see my point, agree, and actually made a lot of effort... for about a week before falling back into his previous behavior. So I had to go more practical. Two approaches proved to be successful&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First step: &lt;strong&gt;adapt the distribution of chores to this problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: we went from a &quot;I cook, you do the dishes&quot; system, where I would end up with an absolutely hideous kitchen and him asking me: &quot;Which items do you need me to clean to cook tonight?&quot; to a &quot;I do everything for the meal including cleaning afterwards, and when the kitchen is clean, it's your turn&quot;. It was both positive reinforcement (clean everything one good time after eating -&gt;  you get to do nothing for the next (few) meal(s)) and negative reinforcement (postpone cleaning -&gt; you get to cook again AND still clean for both meals)&#xA;Plus, if one doesn't do his part one time, it's not getting in the way of the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second step: &lt;strong&gt;support each other&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with the first part was that it's quite strict ruling. We did it in order to get us a bit straightened, but once he was more used to actually doing chores regularly we ditched it (part of the initial problem was that he had almost never had to help at home, so it didn't register to him that there are chores to do EVERY DAY, and not just when you feel like it).&#xA;Instead I began simply asking him to help with something while I doing something else. Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you mind folding the dry clothes while I hang the wet ones?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could you please help me and empty the dishwasher while I clean the floor?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key-point: It's simply motivating not to be the only one doing chores, and you both get a nicer feeling when everything is neat and you did it together (and it's difficult to turn down something like that without sounding quite rude). &#xA;This also got him to get out of the &quot;I have to do this because we ruled it like that&quot; mindset, to get into the &quot;There are things which need to be done there, and I can do it as well, even if it's not explicitly on my list&quot;. &#xA;When he began doing chores by himself, I would then always do something as well, and now he does that for me too, most of the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12103" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T10:12:17.713" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T10:12:17.713" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9773" CreationDate="2018-01-30T10:02:18.327" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the problem you're having here is that you've not replied to her question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally companies and businesses will keep e-mailing you (possibly on an automated system) until you tell them to stop or give them reason to think you aren't a good lead anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though your job search might be a private matter, as a recruiter it is her job to find you a job, hence the follow up e-mails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would avoid burning any bridges and be polite initially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple reply like this will do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hello,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My job search is going well, thanks for asking!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've sent my CV off to a few places myself and have been offered a position doing X since we last spoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll be in touch with you if I need your services again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regards,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;user12105&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they keep e-mailing you after this, ask them to stop. You don't need to worry about being rude beyond this point as they haven't listened to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that fails, add their e-mail address to your spam folder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T10:02:18.327" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9773" CreationDate="2018-01-30T10:07:26.253" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;recruiter&quot; is a job. A job involves costs. A lengthy argument with you over e-mail is a cost they surely do not want to sustain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I specified this in order to make it clear that it's highly unlikely for them to &quot;take any offence&quot; and &quot;go ahead on an argumenting spree&quot; as if they were a physical person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, if possible, take your original e-mail where you substantially thanked them for their effort, attach it to a reply to their last e-mail message and send something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [...],&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;as I've already stated in a previous message (see attachment), I have now an arrangement ongoing on my own.&#xA;  While I really can't thank you enough for your time and your effort, I hereby specify again that I no longer need your services.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regards,&#xA;  [Name]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you politely (&quot;can't thank you enough&quot; bla bla bla) state that you have already told them (&quot;I've already stated in a previous message (see attachment)&quot;) and you really want it to stop (&quot;I hereby specify again that I no longer need your services.&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T10:07:26.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9773" CreationDate="2018-01-30T10:07:55.247" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;They are basically the same as any salesperson. Many get commission on successful placements, so they aggressively call/email everybody in their contact list in the hope that someone will bite. You are being spammed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are right to try and break this tie in a polite way - you may need their services in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First write a polite email:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please can you remove me from your mailing lists as I have now found a&#xA;  position and am not looking for a new position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the messages persist, check their website and see if you can find a central point of contact email. Send the message again but visibly CC in the central point of contact. This may make an individual more inclined to act knowing that the rest of their company knows about your request. I would repeat this action at least a few times, as you are kind of spamming them back and again this might motivate them to act.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really can't get them to stop then block their emails. That simple. But it would be good if they respond to the interpersonal solution first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T10:07:55.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9778" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9792" CreationDate="2018-01-30T10:14:02.133" Score="4" ViewCount="5414" Body="&lt;p&gt;So we have a problematic, new roommate, &quot;Michael&quot;, who uses all of our stuff, when he's not supposed to be doing so.  We typically have our own toilet paper, soap, dishes, paper towels, etc., and don't share it amongst each other.  We find that this works best and that there are no arguments to be had, regarding who's turn it is to buy the toilet paper, dishwashing detergent, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our place is a 3-bedroom / 1 1/2 bathrooms setup.  Three of us share the bathrooms, kitchen, and &quot;living room&quot; (just a small common room with a couch).  Before &quot;Michael&quot; moved in, we typically kept all of our supplies out in the open: detergent by the sink, soap and toilet paper in the bathroom - we all got along really well and there were no issues at all.  Now, we try to not keep things out in the open, because we know that Michael will use it when we're not there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Michael is very aware of the house rules; he simply chooses to ignore them.  (We had told him of the house rules, when we showed him the apartment, before he moved in, and he was quite fine with the rules and agreed to them.)  A couple nights ago, my other roommate, Elaine, had left a roll of toilet paper in one of the bathrooms, and Michael subsequently used it all up, which really upset her.  And, he has used my ... blowdryer ... which is annoying ... because he only used it &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; Elaine took her blowdryer back into her room. He basically will use anything that we forget to take back into our rooms.  Elaine and I have spoken privately about it - but not yet with Michael. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can we tell him that it's not ok for him to use our stuff and that he must purchase his own, while minimizing potential conflict?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-06-18T10:06:48.620" LastActivityDate="2019-06-18T10:06:48.620" Title="How to tell a roommate to stop using stuff around the apartment that does not belong to him?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9779" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9781" CreationDate="2018-01-30T10:16:35.357" Score="2" ViewCount="671" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often when I'm talking to people they are simply not straight forward. I don't want to be rude but I don't like it when people beat around the bush. I often say to them something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could you come to a point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I wouldn't like it if someone said this to me. So How can I say to people they should explain themselves quickly when they're beating around the bush.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for a strategy to ask those people. The relationship is with those people are mostly stranger. But also teacher and people who I work with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the center of Europe and I'm 18 years old (m).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7796" LastEditorUserId="7796" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T10:36:05.497" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T10:43:18.807" Title="How to ask people to be more straightforward?" Tags="&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-01-30T12:41:35.650" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9780" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9801" CreationDate="2018-01-30T10:22:01.307" Score="3" ViewCount="1389" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DISCLAIMER&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;It is not my goal to remove her pets or to find help here on how to achieve that. I am simply interested in exploring the Interpersonal aspects of this issue.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am living in a shared house with other five people. &#xA;One of my flatmates has eight pet rats in her room for three months now. In the beginning only one or two people were aware of the rats. In the past few weeks, we all became aware that she has rats as pets. In the past few days, we (except her) have been talking to each other about her having rats. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While talking with each other we all agreed that we all feel really disgusted and uncomfortable by that. This feeling was elevated when one guy showed us instagram videos showing her rats being free in the shared bathrooms, with one licking the tab for example, a photo showing one rat being inside a cup from the shared kitchen and he also told us that he saw her once coming to the kitchen area with one rat with her. All these things, plus that we are not aware of the quality of the hygiene she exercises to her pets, made us feel even more disgusted and uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Few days ago, We had a meeting all together and we expressed our concerns to her and she understood and agreed to our requests including keeping the rats in her in room at all times. After a couple of days though, me and the other flatmates talked again and agreed that we do not feel comfortable with any rats in the house at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, me and another flatmate occasionally spend time with her and we have almost become friends. Therefore, we want to avoid any kind of fight or conflict. According to my contract and the rest of my flatmates contract, no pets are allowed, but since some comments suggest that this might refer only to cats/dogs we will be asking the landlord for details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Supposingly the landlord does not allow rats as pets, how to tell her to permanently remove all her rats, without resulting in conflict and her being kicked out?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The part of removing the rats is tricky, since she can agree to remove them but fail to do so.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11962" LastEditorUserId="11962" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T14:58:02.367" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T14:58:02.367" Title="How to tell flatmate to remove her pets, since it's not allowed?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;pets&gt;&lt;flatmates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9781" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9779" CreationDate="2018-01-30T10:43:18.807" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Personally I wouldn't like it if someone says this to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you clearly also don't like it when they keep going on and on without actually saying/asking what they want. So it's fine if you don't come across as really friendly with that one sentence. Just make sure to react possitively when they actually condence their point after your remark. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On when and how to tell them I would make a difference whether they're trying to ask a question or when it's really just an interesting story that keeps draging on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;real question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just interrupt, possibly with something like: &quot;and what is your question?&quot;. It's better to interrupt early and do so with a big smile on your face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible they're trying to ask something where they're afraid of your answer and are just trying to postpone that moment a bit. In this case just &quot;help&quot; them by interrupting with &quot;And what exactly are you asking now?&quot; or something similar. (Again, big smile, possitive mood).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;story telling&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depends a bit on your usual interactions. You may want to let them finish the story and suppress your annoyance. Or you can interrupt shortly with &quot;it's too interesting speed it up a little 'cause I wanne know how it ends!&quot;. Try to keep it light hearted so the mood stays possitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it happens often you may want to talk with your friend about it taking so long. It &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; be a bit awkward depending on how you word it but if it's a real friend and you show you're still interested in what he has to say, as long as he tries to come to a point faster, then he shouldn't feel too bad about it. In the end it will probably make both of you happier since he can still talk about all his stuff with you while actually getting a better response from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T10:43:18.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9782" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9784" CreationDate="2018-01-30T10:55:56.500" Score="56" ViewCount="16914" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am a 20 years old male, living alone in Austria&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have two stepsisters and a stepmother and my father is deceased&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I lived together with my stepmother for the last 10 years, but moved after my&#xA;father's death&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After my fathers death, who payed for two life insurances (for my two step sisters), his heirs (in this case only my stepmother and me are over 18) have to sign this insurance in order for my sisters to get their money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is that my stepmother wants me to sign this insurance really bad and nearly pushes me to do so asap, also because it already laid around for almost six months without any progress (I don't know why it took so long, but I only heard of it like a week ago and that my stepmother wants to see me, but we didn't have time until tomorrow) I am really unsure about that because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to read it on my own, without anybody watching so I don't get stressed, because it is quite long and hard to read.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to show it to an independent lawyer who can tell me what exactly this is what I am supposed to sign.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My stepmother has to pay me about €20.000 as compensation for the house my father left behind - which makes me feel like she is really mad about this and maybe wants to betray me by trying to make me sign.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She said the only thing that I am signing is that my stepsister get the money of their life insurances, but my close family members told me not to sign anything I don't fully understand and want me take the insurance policy to an independent lawyer. I could also take this to the notary, who also has taken care of this case and my fathers heritage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My step-mother tends to scream at me easily and knows I am not very self-confident. I suspect that she wants to pressure me into not seeing a lawyer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This topic is pressuring me so much I can't even think about work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would like to know how I can best tell my step mother and sisters that I want to go over the documents by myself or even consult external help.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT 1:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I settled it on the phone.&#xA;My stepmother and me agreed on taking these insurance papers to our notary -therefore she won't be able to scream at me or whatsoever. I also got a copy I will take to a lawyer too! She was surprisingly calm and talkative Thank you people!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12107" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-04-15T12:21:08.583" Title="Stepmother wants me to sign for life insurance without consulting a lawyer, how do I tell her that I will only do this after talking to one?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;austria&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9782" CreationDate="2018-01-30T11:52:11.900" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your instincts are absolutely right that you should examine the document carefully.  Perhaps everything is above-board, and your step-mother is responding to other stressors when she screams, but there is no way to know this without reading the document carefully, and her behavior has put up several read flags.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she is not acting rationally about this, I would not trust her to react calmly to your news.  Therefore, I &lt;em&gt;would not tell her&lt;/em&gt;.  Instead, quietly make an appointment with a lawyer, and simply walk out the door with the document.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she tries to stop you at the door, then explain to her what you are doing, and that if she wants the documents signed, this will be the fastest way to get it done.  Her reaction to this revelation would also be informative.  If she is simply stressed about how long everything has taken, or believes that you have been procrastinating, she may begin to usher you out the door.  If something more nefarious is going on, she may try to stall you.  In either case, take that document to the lawyer and get it looked at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this all assumes that you &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;have access&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to the documents.  If you don't have physical access, then you need to secure that first.  Tell her that you can have it dealt with within a week (or some other reasonable time-frame; make it fair, but something that you can be held to), but you need a copy of the documents first.  There's nothing you can do without a copy.  I would emphasize that to her if this becomes a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastEditorUserId="65" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T12:04:48.637" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T12:04:48.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9784" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9782" CreationDate="2018-01-30T11:53:54.433" Score="117" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Phone your stepmother. (As suggested by Martijn: You might want to ask someone to sit with you for this conversation. If you start 'giving in', that person can keep you from doing so.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her politely that you also want to get the insurance thing done as soon as possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her to send you the insurance documents in the mail or drop them off in your mailbox.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she starts screaming and pushing say &quot;I'm sorry, it isn't possible for me to the sign the documents before reading them thoroughly. If you want this to go forward quickly, please send me the documents as soon as possible.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she continues screaming, hang up. (That's why you do this on the phone: so that you have an easy way out of the situation when it goes wrong.) If she's still listening at all, you can calmly say &#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm sorry but I don't appreciate this tone. I want to help but I need to read those documents first. I suggest we try this conversation again in a bit.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When she pesters you again, repeat. Don't be available to her if she's not willing to cooperate - don't open the door, don't stay on the phone with her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to stay calm and polite but firm at all times with her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has to realise that her most efficient and easy way of obtaining the insurance money for her daughters is to do what you ask. If she has any reason to believe it'll go quicker if she pressures you, she'll do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once she gives you the documents, do your best to handle the matter quickly. You could already try to find the lawyer you want to consult while you're waiting for the documents. Be a responsible and reliable stepbrother to your sisters, don't keep them waiting unduly - but take the time necessary to convince yourself that everything is legal and OK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastEditorUserId="1798" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T18:12:06.377" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T18:12:06.377" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9786" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9782" CreationDate="2018-01-30T12:31:58.947" Score="21" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[...] my close family members told me not to sign anything I don't fully understand [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Great, they are right about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to money and for that matter inheritance many people are willing to step over family members. Especially in your case, your relationship to your step-mother and sisters does not seem very stable. So do not act on their advice without thinking carefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First you have to be aware that it is your right to view these documents on your own and to consult any help you want, whether it is a lawyer, someone from the notary or another family member. &lt;strong&gt;Do not sign this without full understanding of the matter.&lt;/strong&gt; Personally I would recommend to go to the notary first, see what they can tell you about the heritage and then go to a lawyer with this information already in the back of your head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to the interpersonal part. Your step-mother and sisters want something from you. Not you from them. You are asking for insight in what you are going to sign. This is normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to make sure that time is your ally. You want it so that the longer they wait the more problems arise for them, while your situation just stays the same. It seems like this is already the case but &lt;strong&gt;make sure this really is the case!&lt;/strong&gt; A lawyer will help you with this. You don't want to lose out on stuff because you overstepped deadlines. They need to give you a reasonable opportunity to read these documents and consult help, otherwise you are fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this is secured you can simply step into this rotation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Ask to view the documents on your own.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I view the documents on my own?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if they approach you about signing them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sure, just send me a copy and I will go over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Their decision.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No.&lt;/strong&gt; Well it is their decision. Don't sign. Just wait for them to come again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do not feel comfortable enough to sign this. I need more information about what I am going to sign. Tell me when you are ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes.&lt;/strong&gt; You have done it! Read them, go to a lawyer, do whatever you see fit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. They want you to sign it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I won't. I want to view to the documents on my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say that you want to view them on your own. No need to mention a lawyer. It is your decision who to consult and non of their business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask why you want to view them yourself just state the same again. You do not have to tell them why you want to view the documents. The reason is self explanatory. They are trying to guilt trip you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically repeat this for every question they could ask and do not settle for less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. repeat&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are in no hurry, time is your ally. Wait for them to come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why I think this is the way to go&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their relationship is bad and it doesn't seem there is much enthusiasm to repair it on both sides. Screaming and potential scamming from their side do not make the situation better. Because of this there is no need to be overly friendly. It is better to be discreet and direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the step-mother and sisters think it is so important and not dangerous to him, then they can get the matter settled by letting him view the documents. They won't so there is something fishy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By consulting a lawyer now he will make sure to not lose out on anything and get into a stable situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastEditorUserId="5534" LastEditDate="2019-04-15T12:21:08.583" LastActivityDate="2019-04-15T12:21:08.583" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-30T13:37:00.183" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've written this answer backwards, with emergency techniques at the beginning, and then more general long term solutions at the end.  The first three tips should quickly resolve immediate issues allowing you both time and space to work out the longer term problems, but shouldn't be used lightly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Urgent resolution&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let go of the things you can.  While you may have agreed that they are to do certain work, and it's irritating that they don't, if you can let that work remain unfinished until they choose to do it (or you both determine it doesn't actually need to be done) then you can at least relax about it and avoid the anger/unhappiness/anxiety/feelings of unfairness regarding that work.  Is it as important as your relationship?  If not, then let it alone and work on other more important things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Express how undone work actually affects you. If you don't have clean clothes when you need to be ready, help them understand how this affects you emotionally, physically, and in your career. Ask them if there's a way you can help them - perhaps they expect you to put dirty clothing away in a different manner, or maybe they're out of detergent - there could be some small thing that's blocking them that might not block you, but if you can ease their work it might resolve the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Take control of those things that are causing you anger and unhappiness.  This is somewhat of a last resort, but I determined that I'd rather do more work and experience less anger.  The problem this solves isn't their procrastination or failure, it solves my emotional distress - I should be able to keep my anger in check, and I should be able to discuss this matter with them rationally, but early on in my relationship I found I didn't have mastery over this emotion, and I displayed a great deal of anger over small issues.  This is emotionally destructive, and while it would have been better to resolve things rationally, I had to overcome the problem first to assuage my anger, and then over time I could revisit the issue that was triggering it.  In some cases we've come to a better sharing of a particular chore or task, and in others I'm still doing that work (20 years later) because I know that it would still anger me.  If I fail to do it, I can only be mad at myself, not my partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Procrastination&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't &amp;quot;fix&amp;quot; procrastination by pushing.  It helps me to think of it like a rope - you can't push a rope, only pull.  You have to get ahead of them, and work with them. Constant reminders (ie, nagging) are only going to make things more difficult for both of you.  If you feel you must remind them of a task, then only provide one reminder a day - period - and then provide a lot of positive feedback for all the things they are doing.  A barrage of reminders isn't useful.  Keep the reminder constructive - don't remind them of something for the sake of reminding them, instead provide context and understanding.  &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;Have you done the laundry yet?&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; is much less productive than, &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;I have an important meeting tomorrow, and I don't have a clean shirt - is there anything I can do to help you get the laundry done tonight?&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Work together&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've discovered over the years my partner prefers working with others.  So when something is falling behind it's better for me to say, &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;I have 5 minutes now, do you want to work together on [task x]?&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; Sometimes they'll still put it off, sometimes they'll ask me to get started (and of course I'll finish before they start), but over time I've learned a lot about what they like and don't like about various tasks and it's given me a lot of information that's useful when discussing it with them later. It's quite likely that they've accepted tasks they aren't comfortable with, and perhaps they don't want to ask for help. Working together will familiarize them with some tasks they may feel unfamiliar with - for instance some people are very particular about laundering their underwear, some needs to be air dried, etc, or perhaps they've had a partner in the past yell at them for doing something &amp;quot;incorrectly&amp;quot; and so there's a small emotional barrier that they might not even recognize.  Working together on the tasks that seem to be the most difficult to get them to do will resolve a lot of these types of issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Respect each other's standards and processes&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very important to keep in mind that everyone has a different standard or goal when you discuss tasks and chores. It may be that you have a much higher standard, while they look at the work and don't feel it needs further effort. They may be saying, &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;I'll do it later&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; when they really mean, &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;There's no problem, I'm not procrastinating, you're just asking for too high of a standard.&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; Alternately, you might feel something is undone because it wasn't done a certain way (ie, shirts folded poorly --&amp;gt; work not done).  You may need to modify your standards to match theirs if they are not interested in modifying their standards to match yours, or you need to do the chores where your standards are different, you cannot stand anything less, and they are unwilling to work to your standards. I don't tell my partner how to put away my clothes - I accept their process, and am grateful for the work they've done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Communicate, communicate, communicate&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honest, open communication and respect is key. You not only need to help them understand how these things affect you and how much it bothers you, you need to understand the same for them. Doubtless they have the same issues with you and your work, but because of your different perspectives and experiences the things you trivialize and don't bother you may matter a great deal to them and affect them significantly. It's worth, during this early time, sitting down once a week, or even nightly, and going over the list of chores, discovering what was done and what wasn't, and finding out if something needs to change, or if a chore needs to be reassigned and everything rebalanced.  Perhaps when they accepted trash they didn't realize how much trash you two produce, or how far away the dumpster was. Openly talking about effort and time will allow you both to make sure the workload is fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Set agreed-upon objective goals or standards&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, setting objective goals may be useful.  This one is tricky because it can actually lead to more contention depending on your respective traits, but if there's a concrete reason for a chore to be done by a specific time, or to a specific standard (dishwasher started at night so food doesn't harden on dishes, clothing put away by morning so one can get ready without having to get up early, turn on additional lights to dig through a hamper, etc) then set those objectives.  If an objective isn't met, discuss why, resolve blocking issues, reassign chores, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T13:37:00.183" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9789" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9693" CreationDate="2018-01-30T13:44:33.137" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the invitation will indicate a lack of understanding for their situation and/or remind them of their bad health and limitations&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One counter argument that comes to mind instantly is: &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; inviting those people to the party just because they are terminally ill is much worse. It's almost like treating them as they were already dead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think that inviting those people will somehow force them to come, you can turn the affirmative sentence into a question, e.g. &quot;do you think you can make it?&quot;, and reassure them it won't cause any trouble if they have to cancel later on. Better yet, don't request an answer (truth is, they don't know if they can come), just tell them you hold a place for them in case they can make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To reiterate, being invited to a party is a pleasure for most people, even if they cannot come. Not being invited can hurt people who expected an invitation, and not being invited because they are deemed too sick to come is borderline offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T13:44:33.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-30T13:52:11.733" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your parents have already preformed a very difficult first step in preparing for their future.  This has taken a toll, and it will take them some time to come to terms with what it means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've given them some additional information - now that they have placed themselves in your care should something happen they understand what your likely response is to certain situations, and they've either spoken up (mom) or not (dad) and thus have more to think about and accept about what might happen in those situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, you should probably give them some time and space to come to terms with all of this, then re-approach this issue later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to go through the process yourself in the meantime to make sure you have your power of attorneys, medical directives, and living will in order.  This will give you some perspective and knowledge about the process and requirements for your region/government.  It'll also give you resources you can use to help your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance there's a process called &quot;Five Wishes&quot; which provides a lot of discussion points and a method to help someone determine what their preferred medical directives are by suggesting possible conditions, and what they would like done for each of them.  If you search for this you'll find free printable PDFs from various medical providers if the website isn't helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The AARP provides free printable advance directives which may be helpful as well, though those don't provide as much of the guidance you're asking for, they do provide some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the above two resources are US based and only have legal standing in the US, they can provide you with the information you are asking for, even if they have no legal standing where you are located.  You've already completed the legal portion anyway, so these would only need to help you understand your parent's wishes, and if filled out and available when needed they will help you remember what their wishes were during a time of great stress and emotional difficulty for you.  You may find it very useful and reassuring when that time comes to have a written document.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, remember that these are desires for an unimaginable time.  Revisit them every few years and review them with your parents.  As they age the answers may change, it migt be more reasonable to provide extensive life saving measures in their 50's than their 80's, and while you'll have the opportunity to make that decision it'll make it much easier if your parents have given you that information and updated it recently.  Plus you don't want to have to search for a 30 year old document at that point, so keeping it up to date will keep it available when needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T13:52:11.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9778" CreationDate="2018-01-30T14:31:34.280" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is of course wrong for him to use everybody else's products, he is being utterly selfish and short-sighted. However, it is useful to try and see it from his point of view for some balance. He probably doesn't see it as a major issue because in isolation it is just a couple of pieces of toilet paper here, a squirt of shampoo there. Incrementally it does add up of course, but try to go in to the discussion with a clear head. It isn't exactly the Great Train Robbery, and he will likely respond better if you don't go in too heavy-handed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nobody has spoken to him about this at all, then do speak to him one-to-one first, but make it clear that &lt;em&gt;everybody&lt;/em&gt; is concerned about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Michael, I need to mention this to you. Everybody is noticing their&#xA;  products are being used. Toilet paper, for example. You do know that&#xA;  we all buy our own products here, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;[allow for response]&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you please make sure you don't use anyone else's products because&#xA;  it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; noticed and it isn't fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't respond to this then repeat it but with other housemates present. Keep in mind though what I said earlier about balance and keeping your cool. I'm not suggesting you 'gang up' on him, but I think he will take it more seriously knowing that it is everybody's genuine concern and he can't just mentally write it off as the obsessive toilet paper hang-ups of one person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T14:31:34.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9778" CreationDate="2018-01-30T14:42:02.297" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Shared houses, when they aren’t working well, can be a pressure cooker of rule infractions, slights, power plays and passive aggression. Everyone is ‘at home’: in that personal space where we expect to be ourselves and feel safe from the things in the world that poke our vulnerable spots. That fact can make the significance of offences loom large when we are on the receiving end while they seem minor to the person committing the offence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you come to talk to Michael, try to remember that; and that that process can work both ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and Elaine are clearly put out by Michael’s transgressive behaviour, but try to bear in mind that from his perspective the system of not having shared basic consumables and people getting upset over his using a hairdryer that was just lying around in the common area might be really frustrating. Or he might be stewing over something else entirely that you have no idea annoys him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn’t much matter, in the end, who has the moral high ground. What matters is that you don’t have a functional system in your house just now and your current approach of trying to keep your stuff away from him and being cross when he uses stuff you forget is making you and Elaine stressed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You asked :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can we tell him that it's not ok for him to use our stuff and that&#xA;  he must purchase his own, while minimizing potential conflict?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which frames the problem not as &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;‘how to have a harmonious system in the house&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;‘how to make Michael conform’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are more interested in the former, here are some things to consider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;don’t&lt;/strong&gt; make the conversation about how terrible he’s being or how you and Elaine are suffering. You might be justified, but it is unlikely to &lt;em&gt;help&lt;/em&gt;. Of course you have to make reference what isn’t working, but focus on what happens next rather than what happened before.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to see things from his perspective (even if you don’t think it is a justifiable one), he has moved into a house where the rules have been set in response to issues which arose when he wasn’t living there. (arguments… regarding whose turn it is to buy)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Michael is a citizen of the house too and as such can reasonably&#xA;expect to have a say in what the rules are.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You and Elaine might think about what changes &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; could accept. You&#xA;have the current system as it was best for avoiding arguments, is&#xA;that still true? Could it be time to reappraise the system, involving&#xA;Michael?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be prepared to adapt.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stepping aside from how you might communicate with Michael for a moment, can we break the problem down? There seem to be two categories of ‘things’ causing conflict:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Household consumables, ie things which help keep the house hygienic&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Personal goods and consumables, ie personal hygiene items and&#xA;possessions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be worth having a trial period of a communal buying strategy for the first category while reinforcing the ‘off-limits’ nature of stuff in the second. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my own experience I’d recommend focusing on getting a financial contribution on a regular basis for the household consumables rather than trying to get people to buy them on a rota. It does mean it is likely that you and Elaine may be the ones to most often have to get the stuff from the store, but that may be the price of a more harmonious household.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to pull that all together, my suggestion would be to look for a suitable time to talk to Michael, plan this and take note of how he is disposed. There is no point in trying to have the conversation if he is busy, stressed, on his way out etc. and try something along these lines (obviously no-one can give you a complete or fully appropriate script, there are too many variables, but as an example…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Michael, I know we filled you in on what the house rules were when you&#xA;  moved in, but it seems like some of them aren’t working out that well&#xA;  and it occurred to me that you should really get a say in how we do&#xA;  things too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend keeping this as &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; opinion, not ‘we’ or ‘Elaine and I’, as that could make him feel you’ve been running him down when he isn’t there which may make him less disposed to be compliant. This approach also moves things on quickly to a situation he has a say in rather than one where it feels like you are telling him to obey your edict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could follow up with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We’ve always bought toilet paper and detergent individually in the&#xA;  past, but how would you feel about everyone contributing five bucks&#xA;  every  couple of weeks and then whoever is going to the store can get&#xA;  what we need out of that? We could put the cash (suggest place) and&#xA;  keep a note of what we need to get…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’d recommend dealing with his use of your ‘things’ on an ad hoc basis and if he doesn’t get the hint accept that you have to keep more stuff in your room than you used to or escalate that to the landlord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T14:42:02.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9506" CreationDate="2018-01-30T15:07:29.640" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sincerity is very persuasive, and it sounds like you sincerely want to serve and leave something behind for this fraternity you're a part of. I would incorporate those desires into your speech. In addition to explaining what you'd like to do as part of the position, talk about why you're running and what it would mean to you to be able to serve your brothers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck with your speech!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T15:07:29.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9739" CreationDate="2018-01-30T15:35:53.430" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your description, it isn't clear at all whether or not the feelings are still there. Strangely enough, all the other answers so far don't address this question, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A relationship is not a project to manage, it is first and foremost and emotional thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that your emotional state is not so clear, you feel the relationship is over but you are not posting &quot;omg I need to get out of this, help me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Set aside your desire to end this relationship for the moment. Your GF needs you right now, and as of now she is still your GF. Be the boyfriend she needs right now, at least for a few weeks. Unless the situation is unbearable to you, that is simply the adult thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once the initial shock has passed, figure out a good moment, when you are both relaxed and talking, and ask what all of the recent events mean for your relationship. Discuss this &lt;strong&gt;with her&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your current relationship troubles are the result of lost trust. Being there for her could regain that trust. No guarantees though. One way or the other this is something the two of you need to figure out together. Once she is emotionally more or less stable again, it is time to ask and answer hard questions. Be ready that one of them might be coming from her and be along the lines of &quot;so you only stayed with me because my father died?&quot; The only right answer to this question is: &quot;No, I didn't. I simply delayed this conversation so we can deal with it when it is the right time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that she is still with you despite the 2nd appartment situation is a sign that she believes the relationship can be saved. Unless you have absolutely zero interest in that, give it the chance and put in on place two in your priority list for the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T15:47:22.207" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T15:47:22.207" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9798" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9805" CreationDate="2018-01-30T16:03:39.847" Score="74" ViewCount="30604" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner (27F) and I (26M) have been together for about a year. We live together. Throughout our relationship, my partner has been jealous of my friendship with my best friend (25F) of 4 years. This has been manifested by her sending me passive aggressive messages and saying hateful things about my best friend whenever I hang out with said friend (and usually other friends). This makes me feel very anxious and uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of that behaviour, I started seeing my friend less and not telling my partner the truth about what I was doing, out of fear of a reaction. This caused her to feel excluded from our friendship which seems to have intensified the jealousy. She also feels that my best friend made little effort with her. In my best friend's defense, she did invite both of us to a couple of her house parties, however during those parties she and my partner did not speak much. That being said, I suppose my friend could have done more.&#xA;Recently my partner called me saying that she cannot handle it any more and wanted to break up. I felt like I was forced to choose between my best friend and my partner and I made an extremely emotionally difficult decision to break it off with my best friend to save our relationship. Since then, I felt lonely, depressed as well as been feeling like I made a terrible decision and constantly think about changing my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I communicate to my partner that I cannot emotionally handle breaking it off with my best friend just because she doesn't like her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12122" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T14:34:42.117" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T14:34:42.117" Title="How can I convince my partner to accept my best friend instead of wanting to break up?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9780" CreationDate="2018-01-30T16:31:02.993" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Figure out what your exact problem is with the rats&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've had the rats in your flat for three months already, so that sounds like you were okay with them for a while. If you didn't want rats in your house, this should've been something you and your other flatmates discussed &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; she bought them, not three months later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your problem has to do with the rats' cleanliness, then that's out of scope for this stack exchange. Try asking a question about that over at &lt;a href=&quot;https://pets.stackexchange.com/questions/tagged/rat&quot;&gt;Pets.SE&lt;/a&gt;. But from your comments and previous edits, your housemate is taking care of them in a way that should prevent any health concerns. Try asking her to teach you more about them -- rats have a bad public image but they can make great pets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your issue is because of the wording on your contract, then...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Speak to your landlord&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This really should've been brought up with your landlord before your flatmate even got the pets. Right now you're in a bad position, but it is better that the landlord finds out now, with you being honest (albeit late), instead of them finding out later, discovering that you've been lying to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, it might go ok. They'll probably be annoyed that you didn't bring it up earlier, but when apartment contracts say &quot;no pets&quot;, what that means varies on the landlord in question. Usually it just means no cats or dogs -- animals that can shed fur everywhere and create noise and mess. I currently live in a UK flat like you do, but even though my contract says that pets aren't allowed, my landlord is fine with my snake because of how unobtrusive it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately the only two people who can &quot;get rid of&quot; the rats are either your flatmate or your landlord. If your landlord has no problem with it, and your flatmate is already doing her best to keep them clean and out of your way, then there's not much else you can really do. At least rats usually only live for a couple years!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2183" LastEditorUserId="2183" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T16:36:42.227" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T16:36:42.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9780" CreationDate="2018-01-30T16:40:16.150" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA; I'm assuming from the tone of the question and the comments that you don't like the rats and that your dislike of the rats is the core reason why you don't want them in your apartment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my part I don't blame you, rodents are gross.  From your question it sounds like the pet clause in the contract is just something you are using to justify feelings that you already have.  It's usually more helpful to focus on the core of the issue.  That you don't like xyz about having the rats around.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big problem you're going to run into when talking to your roommate  is that you and your other roommates &lt;strong&gt;tacitly already agreed that she could keep the rats&lt;/strong&gt; by not objecting when she &quot;agreed to our requests including keeping the rats in her room at all times&quot;. &lt;strong&gt;Changing your mind now and asking her to get rid of her rats is going to be viewed by her as you breaking your word.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to handle this is to be open (and polite) about how you feel.  And own up to your own behavior.  You can own up to your own behavior by telling her that you made a mistake.  So you could say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm so sorry I know we already had an agreement about your rats, I&#xA;  just didn't realize that I would be unable to handle xyz.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;xyz should be something specific that you find hard to handle about the rats. ie. smell,  seeing the rat poop in your common areas (bathroom, etc.), not being able to sleep at night knowing there are 8 rats next door.  Whatever it may be, it should be a specific and real concern that you have. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;By apologizing for not being able to keep your agreement, you are more  likely to diffuse any hard feelings (on both sides of the agreement).  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;By phrasing this as a problem you have handling the rats you avoid attacking her and making her get defensive, which usually leads to arguments.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal advice:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Try to keep yourself open for solutions other than &quot;the rats must go.&quot;  The example text above is designed to promote a conversation about a specific problem.  If you remain open to new solutions you may very well find a way that she can keep the rats with minimal discomfort to yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be forewarned that she most likely loves these rats.  People don't part with things they love easily (if at all).  If you push for removal of the rats, there will be hard feelings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T08:08:46.603" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T08:08:46.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9782" CreationDate="2018-01-30T16:51:17.763" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First things first :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your step-mother's behavior is suspicious as you describe it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you describe it you are being bullied into signing a legal document you are not at all confident it is good to do.  This is very bad behavior on her part (at best) and very suspicious behavior at worst.  You are quite right to have the document checked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would be entitled under European law to have any person you want examine the document and advise you on it.  You do not need to ask permission or get your stepmother's approval.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now your stepmother may simply be behaving in a way that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; perceive as bullying, but you may be exaggerating it due to your own anxiety (or some other issue).  We're just get your side of the story and sometimes that isn't a full picture.  But that doesn't mean you should not be reasonably cautious, especially when signing legal documents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to do it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you clearly do not have much self confidence in dealing with what you see as a bullying personality you should bring a friend with you when collecting the documents to examine them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This friend can act as a witness to how she behaves (and you behave) and can record the meeting on e.g. their phone if need be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You clearly need emotional and physical support for the moment and that's the way to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your stepmother refuses to give you the documents to have examined then that in itself would be suspicious behavior and your friend can act as a witness to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lawyers&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically in European law you can nominate any lawyer to act as your representative in part or in whole.  No one is entitled to refuse to deal with your lawyer under normal circumstances if you tell them that the lawyer is dealing with it.  If you want to you can have the lawyer write to your stepmother and formally request the documents be submitted to them for examination prior to possibly signing them if you are happy with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one, except a court or under certain circumstances the police, would be entitled to deprive you of the right to this representation if you choose it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are entitled to speak to a lawyer and discuss this matter without asking your stepmother's permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything you say to your lawyer would, and even the fact that you spoke to one, is something you would normally be entitled to keep confidential if you want.  A lawyer is normally legally bound to respect your confidence and is legally protected under most circumstances (unless you both act in a criminal conspiracy usually) to prevent even a court from making them disclose details of what you say to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that you should normally get your own lawyer in this type of situation.  Do not use the same lawyer as your stepmother for this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, honestly, lawyers can be a nuisance sometimes as they can slow down things that need to be done.  However your concerns are such that you should talk to one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mental Health&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You sound like someone with possible health issues, either as a result of being bullied or dominated or (and please forgive me from saying so, but as devil's advocate) with extreme anxiety or difficulty dealing with any confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be suffering from depression (grieving after a death can cause quite extreme depression) which would be one good reason to suspect you have problems other than a domineering stepmother.  I've had extreme depression myself after family deaths, so I'm saying this from personal experience.  And it can take a long time to deal with this depression without help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You probably need to consult a health professional about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the long run you may be able to gain the skills and self-confidence or to reduce your anxiety (if that's an issue) and to function better in what &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be an unhealthy relationship with your extended family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot deal with any issues like this in the short term, so you need to deal with the legal issue first - to protect yourself from &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; exploitation by others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in the long term, I'd suggest the sooner you seek some medical advice on your psychological state (either as a result of being bullied or just a severe lack of confidence) the sooner you will start to improve.  You might look upon these events as an opportunity to address the larger problem of how your living conditions and personality affect your quality of life and how to improve things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After my fathers death, who payed for two life insurances (for my two step sisters), his heirs (in this case only my stepmother and me are over 18) have to sign this insurance in order for my sister to get their money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be a translation issue here, but insurance documents are not normally signed after a death, unless you are an executor or legal guardian of your sister.  I'm not a lawyer, but my experience of being an executor for my own mother's estate makes me concerned about this confusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not seem to think of yourself as an executor of the estate or as a guardian.  It's possible you may simply not have mentioned this, but you may also not have been made aware of some formal legal responsibility you have (e.g. by your stepmother's omission).  You really need to get a lawyer to establish and explain to you what your formal legal position is in respect of your sister and your late father's estate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes consulting a lawyer (of your own) a necessity, IMO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it could be that your own behavior, due to depression or anxiety, is frustrating your stepmother and she's trying to get things done in a way that's perhaps not ideal, but getting a lawyer is, at this stage, a good idea as you clearly lack confidence in her actions and while it's not perfect, a lawyer would at least give you some peace of mind to proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T16:51:17.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5306" CreationDate="2018-01-30T16:54:15.807" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may not be the answer you are looking for, but &lt;strong&gt;get out of that relationship&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I speak from experience and the primary regret I have is to not leave sooner. A person with a serious mental illness needs professional help and a stable environment. She rejects the first and doesn't have the second and as much as you want to, you cannot give it because it takes more than one person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At 6 weeks or so, you are probably still a victim of your hormones. Watch some videos of Helen Fisher to understand how that will change (and how soon).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you think about helping your GF, understand that if you stay you are going to be in a world of pain for a very, very long time, and it will never be completely over even if it gets better. Are you ready to accept that for a person that is relatively new in your life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your first and primary principle needs to be &lt;strong&gt;self-protection&lt;/strong&gt;. You cannot help if you are damaged yourself, and mentally ill people have a tendency to damage those around them (not intentionally, in most cases).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to define boundaries and stick to them &lt;strong&gt;no matter what&lt;/strong&gt;. This will not work out with your conflict-aversion tag, but unless you, for example, draw a line &lt;strong&gt;and defend it till blood&lt;/strong&gt; about not smoking in your appartment, the damage could be substantial &lt;strong&gt;and take away your ability to be a helper&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only from a position of strength do you have any chance at all to help. This needs to be done in coordination with a trained medical expert, who can advise you and see the whole picture of the interplay between mental issues, medication and living context. This will require that your GF signs a statement releasing the doctor from his patient confidentiality in relation to you. If you cannot cooperate with the doctor, your chances of success just became equal to winning the lottery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a lot more to this, but the doctor can help with most. So only one more thing from me: Definitely absolutely get yourself a regular hobby if you don't already have, that is a) a friendly activity with other people and b) gets you out of the house and away from her for a few hours. You &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; need to recharge your batteries sometimes, and you need a &quot;safe space&quot; that is well established and will not be questioned. Never, ever, cancel this event for any reason short of someone's death.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T16:54:15.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-30T17:00:24.863" Score="58" Body="&lt;p&gt;To make it easy, I'll use the genders of your situation, but I believe this applies fairly directly when the genders are reversed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking, girlfriends don't love it if their boyfriend has a best friend who is a girl he could potentially date; it's an inherently awkward situation, often made worse by inside jokes or things the friend knows which the romantic interest doesn't (because the friend has been there longer).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I've seen it work - most of the time I haven't seen this - it's because the boyfriend makes a lot of effort to include his girlfriend in his friendship. For example, instead of texting your female friend, you could consider a group text that includes your GF so she doesn't wonder what you're saying. Ditto for other forms of communication. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last, honesty and transparency is critical. If you're lying to your GF about seeing this person, then she is most likely to view the dishonesty as a confirmation of her suspicions that something isn't on the level, or it's going to make her more jealous, or give her a stronger bad vibe, or however you want to phrase it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T17:47:43.107" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T17:47:43.107" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-30T17:02:13.487" Score="92" Body="&lt;p&gt;Directly and honestly. I think that your last line contains the exact information you need to express to your partner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My friendship with [best friend] is really important to me, she's been a very important part of my life. I know you don't like her or how close we are, but I would be devastated if she just dropped out of my life for good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How effective that will be, I can't say. It's not unreasonable to want your girlfriend to at least try to deal with her discomfort rather than you irreversibly changing your life for the worse. But it may be the case that, for whatever reason, she can't do so successfully. At that point you are both in similar positions of being emotionally unable to satisfy each others' demands. So, in addition to looking for ways to communicate effectively with your girlfriend you should also consider preparing for an outcome similar to what you've already had, where you are choosing between them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, I'll reiterate what some people have mentioned in comments. This is a deeply manipulative behavior on your girlfriend's part, even if she is sincere and truly focused on herself in assessing what she needs from you and your relationship. Especially since there was no precipitating event that caused your partner to not like your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Manipulative, though not necessarily dishonest or malicious (I have no information to suggest that she is doing this specifically to exert more control over you, for example), because she (per what is written in the question) is unwilling to compromise at all. Instead you have to do 100% of what she wants, because she wants it, regardless of the cost to you, &lt;strong&gt;or else&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It bodes poorly for the future if your relationship lurches forward from ultimatum to ultimatum, with you giving up things that matter to you each time. I'm not advocating any course of action in particular, but I think it would be good for you to bear in mind that, however strong your feelings for your partner may be, the relationship may not be a great or healthy one, and that will have consequences far afield from her issue with your (former?) friend. That may or may not affect your decision making process here, but is worth considering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T17:24:41.183" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T17:24:41.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-30T17:05:47.367" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is actually quite common for a partner to not want their significant other to spend time alone with a friend of the opposite sex.  My and my brothers were all playing some video games one day and we got talking and discovered that we had all gone through the same experience of our wives having gotten upset that we had pictures on Facebook with old girl friends. In my case (and my brother's)  The old girl friend meant nothing to me so I deleted the picture to show my wife that I am dedicated to only her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know not every man or woman will behave the way I've described, but there is a substantial number who will disprove  of their partner having a close and personal friendship with other people they could be attracted to.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now your situation is unfortunate because you have made a really big mistake.  By hiding the fact that you were spending time with this friend you have given you partner proof that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A)you were dishonest,&lt;/strong&gt; (you need to own the fact that you were dishonest. Regardless of how your partners behavior you should not have hidden your visits from her since trust is the most important aspect of any relationship).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;B) that that your friend is as important as her if not more so.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your partner is likely to interpret those things as equivalent to you having an affair.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If she is willing to accept that you did not cheat on her, she would actually be showing a good deal of maturity.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;convince my partner to accept my best friend instead of wanting to&#xA;  break up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 1,&lt;/strong&gt; tell her you love her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 2,&lt;/strong&gt; apologize for being dishonest and hiding your visits.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 3,&lt;/strong&gt; a verbal apology may not be enough.  You may have to prove your future honesty with actions such as only visit your friend with your Partner present.  Or perhaps always telling your partner before hand that you are going to visit your friend.  You can negotiate with your partner what the appropriate behavior should be.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 4,&lt;/strong&gt;  follow through with what you agree to in step 3.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I communicate to my partner that I cannot emotionally handle&#xA;  breaking it off with my best friend just because she doesn't like her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're quite eloquent. I would recommend your own words as used here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I cannot emotionally handle&#xA;  breaking it off with my best friend just because you don't like her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful if you say that your partner is likely to take it as proof that she should leave you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Advice:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you truly feel that you can't give up your friend, well it's probably best for both of you to go your own ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you and your partners value systems regarding loyalty  are irreconcilable.  It is probably in both of your best interests to separate rather than suffer through the grief that comes from having two different beliefs about what loyal behavior entails. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T18:09:36.417" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T18:09:36.417" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-01-30T17:54:37.257" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often, people are reluctant to talk about end-of-life topics (funeral, wills, wishes on treatments) because to talk about it makes it real, and that is frightening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are two approaches.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First, the Direct Approach.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dad, I am deeply honored that you would put me in a position to make decisions for you if you cannot.  I certainly hope I will never be in that situation. My hope is for you stay healthy and strong.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was thinking, considering how enormous this responsibility is, how do I know what you would want me to do?  I would hate to make a decision that would go against what you want.  So, I made a list of a few things that I am not sure where you stand.  If it's ok with you, could you think about it and we can sit down over coffee and talk about what you would want me to do in those situations? If you don't want to talk about, it's fine.  But if god forbid, that day ever does come, I will have to base my decisions on my best guess of  what you would have wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second, the Indirect Approach&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is less exact and more time-consuming.  Determine what questions you need to be answered. Then, over the course of time, bring the subjects up, one at a time, around your dad.  Maybe while talking to your mom.  Make sure your dad is not the subject of the conversation.  Something like &quot;My buddy Mike and I were talking, and he said he didn't want to be put on life support if there wasn't any hope of getting better.  What do you think, mom?&quot;  (note, be more subtle than this.)  Then watch his reactions or responses.  Sometimes, people feel free to talk about a topic when the conversation isn't about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5141" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T17:54:37.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-30T17:55:42.607" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a procrastinator, myself.  So I have to chuckle heartily at&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I make my partner realise it's better to do things on time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you considered the possibility that it &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; better?  If you haven't considered the possibility that procrastinating is better, how can you reasonably expect your partner to consider the possibility that doing things on time is better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds almost backwards, right?  It actually turns out that there's a lot of situations where procrastination is indeed better.  For example, some things turn out not to need to get done.  Other things reveal an easier way of doing them, given enough time.  Other times the procrastinator is looking at the big picture, rather than the artificial walls we erect to make sense of life.  There's actually a lot of good rational arguments for procrastination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There's also lots of pretty poor arguments for procrastination. I know.  I've made them myself.  Lazyness feels good!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As other posters have mentioned, you cant fix procrastination by pushing.  It takes some pulling.  &lt;strong&gt;My recommendation is to start a dialog with your partner to try to learn &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they procrastinate.&lt;/strong&gt;  I just listed three good reasons to procrastinate.  Perhaps he has a good reason?  I didn't list any bad reasons to procrastinate.  That's pure self-preservation. If my wife reads this, she must not know all of my bad reasons =)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When having this dialogue, not only should you be ready for your partner to question why you want to get things done &quot;on time,&quot; you should encourage it.&lt;/strong&gt;  There are good reasons to get everything done &quot;on time.&quot;  There's also some pretty poor ones also.  If you're making your partner explore their motivation, you should be ready to explore your own motivation as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect your partner has &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; good reasons for procrastination, but if they're like me, they also have a lot of bad reasons.  This is where you can strike.  Make it easier to make it easier to stop procrastinating.  You don't have to stop them from procrastinating.  You have to get them on the path such that they act to stop procrastinating on their own accord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not an easy path.  Neither is living together.  It's also not a short path, so you will have to find solutions in the interm.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But it is very important to me to have free time and be relaxed rather than be anxious about chores that have to be done, but haven't yet. Sometimes I have no proper clothes to wear because they haven't been ironed when they should have been.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first sentence is a personal thing.  It's your style.  It's not right; it's not wrong.  Its you.  How does your partner feel about that?  Do they empathize with the stress this is causing you?  Do they even know you're stressing out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second sentence is concrete.  This is actionable.  This is a point where that procrastination has generated consequences which you cannot simply work around (presuming having proper clothes to wear really is a &lt;em&gt;necessity&lt;/em&gt;).  Do they understand how much frustration this caused?  Do they have a plan for how to make sure it doesn't happen in the future?  Do you have a plan for if they fail?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how deep the procrastination goes, you may have to take on the &lt;em&gt;essential&lt;/em&gt; tasks which have deadlines that cannot be missed.  You might have to make sure at least X outfits are ready-to-go at any time, even if you have to iron them yourself.  Is that right?  Is that fair?  No idea.  We all get to write the book on our own relationship.  In every relationship we have to figure these things out for ourselves.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Chores are equally divided. We work the same hours and arrive at home at the same time&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is &quot;equally divided&quot; actually the best division?  Your mind seems to be better geared towards tasks that are organized as &quot;chores.&quot;  Equally divided chores might actually be thought of as more work for him!  Of course, unequal division opens the door for all sorts of laziness, so we have to be careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Consider using the concept of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_efficiency&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Pareto Optimality&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;  A system is Pareto Optimal if there's no reallocation of resources (or tasks) which could make one person better off without making anyone else worse off.  The classic example is the school lunch trading game.  If I have an apple and want a cookie, and you have a cookie and want an apple, we can trade and make the situation more optimal.  However, if you have an apple and want a cookie, and I have 100 cookies and no interest in apples, there is no Pareto optimal trade to be made.  Anything which gives you a cookie makes me worse off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now your chores are equally divided.  Chores are easy to divide equally.  But widen it to the larger scope of the relationship.  What trades could be made that benefit both of you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I don't know you or your partner as people, I'll have to make up a contrived example.  Maybe you like to really kick butt during the day, but doing that leaves you vulnerable and open to people taking cheap shots at you that makes you feel crummy.  Maybe he might want to comfort you, but his mind is busy trying to procrastinate on all those chores.  There may be a trade where you take on some of his chores, and he understands that part of that agreement is that he better be there for you when you need someone after a bad day -- it's part of the trade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Pareto Optimality can change over time.  It will change over time.  You're constantly finding the best balance for your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I are still striking that balance.  She's a go-getter, like you describe yourself, who always wants everything done.  I'm a procrastinator who works longer hours than she does, coming home mentally numbed from work.  Right now she takes on the vast majority of the chores.  But if she's had a tough day (or a tough week), it's expected that I'll pitch in on the chores, even the chores that &quot;aren't mine,&quot; even if I had a hard day myself.  That balance is working well for us now.  We're constantly adjusting it (mostly finding ways to convince my procrastinator side to take on more chores).  Ask the same question in a month, and you will get a different answer.  That's life!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T17:55:42.607" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9557" CreationDate="2018-01-30T18:02:11.523" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can do is express that you don't like it, and then she will decide if you she wants stop or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;One way to do this is by saying&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you find our date boring? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say this with a smile. This is not insulting, and it express how you feel. Also it is clear that you have expressed strongly your position. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Another way would be&lt;/strong&gt;: Send her a text message, saying hello.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you will communicate to her that something is wrong in a polite way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the previous it is a possibility that she will get confused, if she asks you explain: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I prefer on dates no texting, as you can make the most out of your date and find out whether you connect with the other person. That way you know if you would be able to know whether you want to pursue another date and not end up wasting our time if we don't connect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, you can explain your position directly in the following way, say to her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Personally, I prefer not texting during dates. Because ...(say the previous paragraph). Also, when you are texting the other person has nothing to do and it can get boring for the other person. What do you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will explain her position, and maybe this will start an interesting conversation why she is doing that. Maybe she will not change her mind but by explaining her position, you will see her view and maybe decide if her perspective makes sense to you, regardless on what she decides. Maybe her perspective is something you can respect and change your mind, and who knows maybe you will start texting in your next dates as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7319" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T18:02:11.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-30T19:19:47.953" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Oh boy, I've been in your shoes buddy. Here's the true realistic answer you don't want to hear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;You have to choose between your best friend or your life partner.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;This is not complicated:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;People get jealous.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There's nothing you can do about it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stop fighting it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Accept this and life becomes easier.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;There is no way to talk yourself out of this situation.  Accept it.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your partner's jealousy won't go away no matter what&lt;/strong&gt; especially&#xA;after being manifested this long. It's a part of her now. Accept this and move on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately you need to decide what you can live without.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Ask yourself, what is going to hurt less in the end / what is easiest for you personally)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is deleting your best friend worth no more fighting and (potentially)&#xA;spending the rest of your life with the woman you (might) love?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Decide this yourself. Move on. Time will heal your pain.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12132" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T20:06:27.747" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T20:06:27.747" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9812" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-30T19:28:54.327" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, do the things for &lt;strong&gt;yourself&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; for your partner. For example: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I) you iron your clothes only;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(II) you send your clothes only for laundry;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(III) you order just your delivery food;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(IV) you buy only your stuff in the supermarket.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, your partner will need to do most of the same work, not necessarily at the same pace. Your partner is going to be punished by their own procrastination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this still comes with a problem: if you share a bed, you can't make only half-bed; you can't take only your trash outside, as the smell would still be a problem; the sink will still be full of dirty plates if you wash only yours; you can't pay half of the bill if your partner won't pay the other half... and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are activities that need to be done completely. So, you divide these specific tasks - the urgent ones are assigned to your partner, the less urgent are yours. Some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(a) One is responsible for buyings things; the other for arranging them in the house.&lt;/strong&gt;  As buying things are more urgent, this should be a task assigned to your partner. You say: &quot;The toilet paper needs to be bought NOW&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(b) The last to get out of bed is the one who will make the bed.&lt;/strong&gt; If your partner gets up before you, than ok, you just make the bed. If it is the other way around, your partner makes the bed. If not, how could you sit on the bed to study? You need to make the bed NOW. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(c) If you are blocked by one of your partner tasks, this task is urgent.&lt;/strong&gt; The sink is full of dirty dishes and you want to cook - they need to be washed NOW, so you can get enough room. This can't wait, or dinner is going to be cancelled and your partner would pay for the food delivery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can get creative here - the most efficient thing for procrastinators are dealing with urgent things. When something is urgent, they need to do it NOW. Less urgent things are the problem, and you should take these tasks for yourself if you want to avoid conflicts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8670" LastEditorUserId="8670" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T16:36:23.387" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T16:36:23.387" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9813" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9727" CreationDate="2018-01-30T19:55:44.833" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on having dealt with similar problems, I suggest you talk to the neighbors first.  (There will be a Step 2, if that doesn't work.)  Tips for talking to the neighbors:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach them when they are not drunk or high.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't approach when they are in a group of more than two people.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to be ingratiating.  Be cool, not aggressive -- basically, aim for &lt;em&gt;neutral&lt;/em&gt;.  Just explain that the sound carries straight over to your place and your work schedule means that you need quiet time to start around x time (e.g. 9 pm).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to tell them where to have their conversations.  For example, don't suggest they have them inside, or in their car, or down the block, or at the neighborhood park, or in the Walmart parking lot -- it's up to them to figure that out.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Important: get a noise machine from Bed, Bath and Beyond, or some similar gadget, and use silicone ear buds or something similar to block your ears.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 2. If they wake you up despite the use of the ear plugs and the noise machine, then call your local law enforcement.  Call as many times as necessary and work your way up the hierarchy if necessary.  (Check your local noise ordinance so you'll be able to have an informed conversation.  If necessary contact your elected officials to have the ordinance beefed up -- but meanwhile, keep working on getting law enforcement to address the problem.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T19:55:44.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-30T20:08:55.760" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may not be possible now that you have accepted your partner's ultimatum, but if there is any possible way, I think it must start by you rejecting the ultimatum from your partner, instead of accepting it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which means telling your partner you have changed your mind. That you are too depressed about breaking your friendship, and you are going to resume it. You can tell her there is nothing sexual going on, you do not cheat, there is a difference between friendship and romance. But if this cannot be worked out then you accept her decision to break up. Your course is decided.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could join the chorus of this being far too controlling of your partner, but in the end her motives are not that important if the outcome causes you pain. You can't find another lifelong friend, you probably CAN find a more understanding partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T20:08:55.760" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-30T21:19:36.277" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say you love your partner but that obviously means something different from what your partner expects from you.  You are deriving joy from the presence of some other person that your partner isn't in a position to give.  So she makes sure that she at least is in a position to take it away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how conscious she is about what she ends up doing, but controlling you in that tight-fisted manner is not going to work for a long-term relation.  The usual way of life is that immersion into a relation might cause old friendships to become more distant or dormant over the course of years through nobody's fault but limited time and focus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not enough for her.  She cannot bear to see you independently happy: that's incompatible with her self esteam.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a hard time seeing myself in your shoes and this relationship lasting, but then I have a big shoe size.  It is unlikely that this kind of sacrifice will stay the only one of its size, or even the largest one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider carefully what kind of freedoms you value enough that sacrificing them would be sacrificing a major part of who you are, and communicate that.  And then you'll have to see whether you'll be better off without one another in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12137" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T21:19:36.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-30T21:20:35.810" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is very natural for your girlfriend to be jealous of your (female) best friend. She views your best friend as &lt;em&gt;competition&lt;/em&gt;. Competition for your time, your affection. The platonic-ness of your relationship with your best friend is almost irrelevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to demonstrate to your girlfriend that your best friend is not competition, you need to have boundaries. Your girlfriend needs to have a spot the best friend can't replace. She needs to get privileges that the best friend doesn't get. She needs to get time the best friend doesn't. She needs to feel important; a priority. &lt;em&gt;The priority&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, your girlfriend wants to be your best friend (at least best female friend). She wants to be the one you call, she wants to be the one you look to for support first, before anyone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to think about the roles that each person plays. Who is most important? Who gets the most time? Who fulfills what need in your life? Your girlfriend is jealous because she sees an overlap in her role and your best friends' role. Why would you need her if your best friend is there to be a support? When you fight with your girlfriend, do you run to your best friend for support and to vent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible to keep your best friend, but you may need to seriously consider if they should rather just be a friend so that your girlfriend gets to be your best friend instead. Keeping your friend and girlfriend happy requires setting very strong boundaries on their roles, it requires saying no to your friend sometimes. I means not relying on them for things, like emotional support, that you should be getting from your girlfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to answer the question:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You need to be very clear to your girlfriend that she gets the primary place. You need to emphasize that she is where you get emotional support. I'd spend some time working on just her and you, and if you want to reintroduce your friend, you need to explain to your girlfriend exactly what place your friend is going to have in your life. Exactly why she isn't competition for your emotions and your time. And show her by giving her preference to as far of an extent as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to spend significant amounts of time with your friend and depend on them emotionally, then you will have a tough time getting your girlfriend to agree. Ultimately you need to make one a priority, because you can't have your cake and eat it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-01-30T21:51:00.357" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T21:51:00.357" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9739" CreationDate="2018-01-30T21:50:55.297" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if I understand the backstory right but it seems to me that you screwed up and you are ready to move on from the relationship you screwed up. Actually your significant other was the one to break up with you in the first place but didn't. Don't forget that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The distrust in you is the result of your lying to her about your hidden appartment, no matter who is the owner. The tension from them is caused by wanting to trust you but doubting you are worth it. It is hard to convince yourself to trust someone who betrayed you and even harder when they were betraying you. The longer the betrayal was the longer the healing wounds will take. It won't be a matter of days for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel uncomfortable, I think, you deserve it. It is not a punnishment, it is how people deal with such a shock from losing trust in someone dear to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, ask yourself whether you want to terminate the relationship (dumping 10 months living together with them and another time living apart) or you want to recover it. The first is easy and cheap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the second is true, be there for them when they need you because they need you. Be empathetic and supportive to them. It may regain you the trust you have lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you did not falsely get rid of the appartment you can invite them to come there with you. Let them see what you were doing there instead of being with them. Answer honestly any question asked. Tell them honestly that you want to regain their trust and that you want to set relationship comfortable for both them and you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid &quot;I cannot live in relationship without trust&quot; - because you were the one responsible for opposite and you are demanding them to change. And it clearly shows more disrecpect to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T21:50:55.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9750" CreationDate="2018-01-30T22:12:01.863" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I deal with the &quot;midwestern nice&quot; all the time.. My personal favorite is to stand up and shake the person's hand. It necessitates them standing up to do the same and provides a nice professional finish to a meeting. It works with anyone as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="370" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T22:12:01.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-30T23:24:53.493" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Relationships are about accepting each other as we are. The includes friends, family, stalker exes and anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understand that it is not your job to make your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse  like other people in your life.&#xA;In fact, they don't have to like each other. They just have to be able to tolerate each others presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a bad idea to change your life/friends/job/hobbies because of your potential spouse. It is a slippery slope on which once you start, you can't stop until you reach the absolute bottom which is, being a puppet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I wouldn't blame your partner unless if she directly asks you to do such a thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The relationship is between you and your partner. If she wants or threatens  to break up because of a third person, it shows bad judgement and lack of ability to separate external concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not try to accommodate such behavior; you will regret it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8101" LastActivityDate="2018-01-30T23:24:53.493" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9826" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-31T02:15:21.620" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your partner cannot be second best and continue to be your partner.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You used the word “emotionally” in a sentence about giving up the friend.  What things do you derive from this friend that you cannot derive from your partner?  If any of these are emotional, you have the roles reversed.  If it’s some hobby or professional interest, you might need to either give it up or find a different source.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a monogamous relationship to be healthy, you must share more than fifty percent of your lives.  Probably a lot more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="416" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T02:15:21.620" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-31T02:39:44.857" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a way, it can be very simple. You can influence anybody. You just need to know or find out how. And you need to be willing to influence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the key ideas is: Behavior that gets reinforced will be repeated. It can be praise, it can be other rewards (be creative and find all the levers). The target brain makes the rules. Men are not hairy women and vice versa. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, the decision to postpone gets reinforced for some reason worthy of discovery. Changing it is unattractive for some reason. And you can think of that as unfair and he/she doesn't do their part and you can take it personally or you can actively be smart and cunning. People can be trained just like dogs. I don't mean that in a condescending way. The brains are pretty similar. And just like dogs, the wrong training gets negative results. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what nagging is for. Until doing what you want is a: the path of least resistance and b: a negative experience. Nagging is autopiloting towards the brick wall. It's the school and parents approach of utter incompetence. Throwing the piano out of the window screaming may get the point across in rare cases, nagging usually doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because nagging doesn't condition the brain to perceive the procrastination as bad, it conditions the brain to say: that wo/man is no fun. Be smarter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same goes for the male approach of controlling everything. No fun. Be smarter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another goal is to make them own their decision. It's OKish to get them to do what you want, it's much better when they themselves decide that it's the right thing to do. So, what, at the core, is it that makes postponing rewarding and attractive? And what could make it rewarding to do stuff ahead of time? Some people love riddles, some people love challenges, some people can learn to love either, some people just don't like to do boring stuff, so it's time to make it interesting. Every person has long levers and it's good to find them and to strategically use them for mutual benefit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, get creative and find out how your helpless victim reacts to certain things you do, say, wear, change. How can chores lose the boring character if that's a factor (for me it would be that, everything but dull). What would be reinforcers on their terms, not yours?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you make it appealing on their terms, they will like to do it more. Or as Stephen said it: seek first to understand, then to be understood. It's not about turning the other into another you, it's about aligning their needs with your needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, take 5 minutes a day and practice in your mind the behavior you want to show when they test you. Do not react. Act. See them do it in your mind and see and feel yourself reacting smart and strategically and proactively and feel proud about it because you were a leader, not a bully or a victim.. Train to not file their behavior under 'personal attack'. Because when you feel it attacks you or your values, you become reactive and then the autopilot looms. And then instead of reinforcing the wanted behavior you retreat to what school and parents taught us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Partners shape each other all day long. It's just usually clumsy and unconsciously and often negatively longterm. So if you influence anyway, you can just as well train to do it consciously and strategically and intelligently. And neatly avoid the brickwall in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12148" LastEditorUserId="12148" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T02:58:18.133" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T02:58:18.133" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9782" CreationDate="2018-01-31T03:02:33.163" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You do not need to wait until your stepmother gives you a copy of the document she wants you to sign before consulting a lawyer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you not inflame tensions further by telling your stepmother that you want to consult a lawyer.  Just keep that to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to provide one other suggestion.  This is a &lt;em&gt;just-in-case&lt;/em&gt; suggestion.  You mentioned that you have a hard time standing up to your stepmother.  If it happens that she puts the document in front of you and applies psychological pressure such that you find yourself picking up a pen and starting to sign: I suggest that you do some unrecognizable scribble, rather than your normal signature.  If she gets upset, you can say you're sorry, and explain that you're so nervous that you're having trouble making a legible signature.  (This isn't the most advisable thing to do -- but I wanted to give you a way out in case you find yourself feeling cornered.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T03:02:33.163" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9830" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9836" CreationDate="2018-01-31T04:48:04.110" Score="5" ViewCount="1276" Body="&lt;p&gt;My question is &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/7905&quot;&gt;similar to this&lt;/a&gt; except the person is usually not passionate about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have friends who post things about vaccines causing autism, how bell peppers have different genders, and other pseudoscience stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I respect and love my friends so I don’t want to put them on the attack, so the pepper thing I can let go. However, recently, three sisters who are my friends saw and shared links about vaccines containing some chemical (I don’t remember) and then they chose, based on this information, not to get the flu vaccine this year. Their father, who is housebound nearly died of pneumonia from the flu (very lucky!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don’t want to be a jerk and say, “you’re wrong”, but I don’t enjoy seeing really poor “science” being shared. These people aren’t passionate about these things, but are rather just not learning about the vaccine debate. It’s easy to get sucked into these, I know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I educate my friends and perhaps get them to do their own research on claims without sounding arrogant or hurting their feelings. I would love it if they walked away feeling positive about the interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any advice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12152" LastEditorUserId="12152" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T06:57:51.310" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T06:57:51.310" Title="Politely telling someone a claim they shared on social media is false?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9831" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-31T05:01:01.730" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would have to disagree with the idea a lot of answers/comments have expressed that the partner is manipulating and forcing OP to choose. From OP's description it seems clear that his partner called with the intention of breaking up, &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; manipulating him into ending his friendship. She was not okay with the close-ness of the friendship; and whether or not that reasoning is valid, just because she took OP back when he promised to change to fit what she was looking for in a relationship does not mean she was forcing him to do anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I convince my partner to accept my best friend instead of&#xA;  wanting to break up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer to this question is &lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I interpret that question is that you are looking for a way to circumvent your partners boundary. In your question you said that she felt excluded and jealous and then she told you she could not handle it anymore and decided to break up. &lt;em&gt;Whether or not her feelings are justified&lt;/em&gt;, this is clearly a &lt;em&gt;boundary&lt;/em&gt; and trying to find a way to get around her boundary is not advisable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Freedom to choose seems to be pretty fundamental in your situation. While you are free to choose your friends, your partner is also free to choose whether she wants to be with you or not. People change, adapt, compromise and grow in relationships, and proper communication will be key in figuring out what each of you want to do. However I simply can't agree with the premise of going into the conversation with the goal of convincing her to do something she has clearly expressed not being okay with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T05:01:01.730" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9835" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9839" CreationDate="2018-01-31T08:01:03.730" Score="30" ViewCount="14865" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here's the setting:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm at a popular nightclub, and on the main dance floor there's a girl who is dancing with her friends; they seem to be having a great time and her body language, e.g. her dance moves, I would interpret as her being comfortable with getting attention and being approached, if the guy were respectful or is a good dancer himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question is:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if she doesn't obviously seem to be paired off with anyone else, i.e. she may not have a &quot;date&quot; for the night or a significant other, how could I ask her whether she would like to dance with me?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The music in the club is usually Top 40, R&amp;amp;B, Hip Hop, and electronic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Motivation for the question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen mostly aggressive and creepy approaches - in particular, drunk guys just going up to girls and dancing right behind them, aka &quot;grinding&quot;, and often initiating unwanted physical contact, e.g. putting their hands around a woman's waist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'm wondering whether there's a better and more respectful way of asking a girl to dance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some obvious difficulties:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The music is &lt;em&gt;loud&lt;/em&gt;, and the dance floor is crowded with people, on a busy night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T02:23:41.513" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T02:23:41.513" Title="Asking a girl whether she would like to dance with me" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;dances&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9830" CreationDate="2018-01-31T08:02:17.047" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I &lt;strong&gt;educate&lt;/strong&gt; my friends and perhaps get them to do their own research [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imo the whole answer to your question is in the word I bolded in the statement I quoted from you above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Educate them (or, at least, try).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start by providing a link to material: I suggest not to blindly counter them with a weak &quot;You're wrong&quot;, I'd go with a &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I'd love you to take a look at &lt;em&gt;[link]&lt;/em&gt; which might shed some lights on different perspectives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what I do each and everytime I meet fake news. This way you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;are not abruptly attacking them;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;provide documentation;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;show them that, searching, some documentation (and likely different point of views) &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; actually surface;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's friends or sisters you're speaking about, they might actually pay attention to you and, at least, try and read.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, well... wise people WILL read and consider what they have read, regardless whether they decide to change their mind in the end or not.&#xA;Stupid/blind-minded people will NOT consider whatever you say or show them so, in that case, in the end, it's all about their stupidity/blind-mindedness, it's nothing about the words you choose to say or the documentation you provide: there's no way to change that kind of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="7080" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T09:49:52.630" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T09:49:52.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9835" CreationDate="2018-01-31T08:40:37.427" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Approach from the front (don't sneak up behind her), make eye contact, smile and simply ask &quot;want to dance?&quot; - In short: look at how these other guys are doing it, and try to do the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, as @雰囲気読めない人 has said, dance separately to begin with, to demonstrate you're respecting her personal space and clearly setting yourself apart from the rampant grind machines they are very likely used to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she declines, smile and bid her a good evening then dance on your own a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Main thing to remember is that women are hit on in clubs very frequently, but seldom receive transparency or respect to their wishes and personal space... So tick all 3 and you're well ahead of the crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have fun and good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7866" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T13:12:47.173" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T13:12:47.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9835" CreationDate="2018-01-31T09:32:48.970" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; I happen to be a girl, so I'm writing the answer below based on what I liked in the approaches that worked for me and what I observed in the other ones. &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is &lt;strong&gt;respect&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the other answers said, approach the girl from the front, not invading her personal space. Make eye contact with her, refrain from scanning her body or other plainly sexual attitudes. Enjoy the moment of dancing with her. Your face and body language should tell &quot;I'm here to have fun and dance, do you want to do it with me?&quot; and not, like the guys you mentioned, &quot;You look like a fine piece of meat, I want to have sex with you so let's jump at that part&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that the first contact between the two of you should be &lt;strong&gt;nonverbal&lt;/strong&gt;: at first just let the girl see you and make up her mind about you. If she rejects you after this approach (for example she turns her back or dances away), do not insist too much: trying another time to dance with her (always in a respectful manner etc) it's OK, if you didn't understand well what her message for you was, but no more than that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also important to &lt;strong&gt;accept the rejection in a good way&lt;/strong&gt;: she's only telling you that she's OK in dancing by herself and NOT expressing a judgment on your person. I'm telling this because there are lots of guys in clubs who act offended if the girl rejects them, as if it was their right to dance with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she communicates with her body language that she's ok to dance with you, you can start a conversation with her about whatever topic you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the OP is asking for some perspective from the POV of a girl, I'll give mine more specifically here. Just &lt;strong&gt;personal view&lt;/strong&gt; here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't like much when the approach of a guy in a club was verbal. It boils down on either asking the girl to dance with him or telling something unrelated to it. I didn't like the question because it didn't give me the time to make up an opinion about the guy (OK, more a feeling than a proper opinion), who entered my visual field a second before. I didn't like the other option either because I felt like the guy was awkwardly beating around the bush. Moreover, the dancefloor is not the best place to have a talk, where you have to scream for everything so saying &quot;DO YOU LIKE VIRGINIA WOOLF?&quot; may not be the best move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we're on a dancefloor, well, let's dance. If we have fun dancing together, we could enjoy a drink together, or we could just keep dancing and that would be great as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T01:19:49.027" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T01:19:49.027" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9835" CreationDate="2018-01-31T09:34:33.770" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you have to ask her? If the dance floor is crowded just dance somewhere near her, make eye contact, and dance &quot;with&quot; her. If she is interested then she will look in your direction. And if not then she will ignore you or maybe move away. You will get your answer without asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T09:34:33.770" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9841" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9843" CreationDate="2018-01-31T09:59:42.193" Score="8" ViewCount="944" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am male, 20 years old&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Online friend is male, 18 years old&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's call my friend Dean, we've known each other for nearly 8 years now and have played together on PlayStation pretty much every week since then. &#xA;We laugh a lot, have the &lt;strong&gt;same taste in music&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;like games and memes&lt;/strong&gt;. We write each other daily, both problems and funny stuff/memes. I could easily visit him, he only lives like 40 minutes away from me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say we're best friends, except for the part that we haven't met each other in real life - although we use Snapchat regularly I simply don't know how to approach him if I see him. We talked about a ton of embarassing things I don't want to mention here and still can talk to each other like brothers - but via voicechat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He seemed to get quite social over the last few years. I also got a lot more social and talkative but I still have problems talking to people because I simply don't know what to talk about. Simply talking about games all the time isn't that great of a topic. The weather is also not an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have problems talking with other friends whose background I know well (what their hobbies are, what they do for a living, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would talking about other hobbies and happenings in our lives be weird considering the circumstances in which we're friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12107" LastEditorUserId="12107" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T10:14:36.600" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T10:14:36.600" Title="How to communicate with a friend I've known online for eight years?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;online-relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9841" CreationDate="2018-01-31T10:12:06.000" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;i simply don't know how to approach him if i see him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is that the problem? Just that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I'd start with something cheerful/funny to ease up the initial embarassement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sooo, look who's there &lt;em&gt;[big wide smile, reach for to shake hands or hug]&lt;/em&gt;! At last I can finally see you in person! D'ya know what, for some reason I thought you were taller.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't even need to get a response here, it's just an embarassement-breaking trick. Immediately afterwards, leverage the fact that you two have&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;same taste in music, like games and memes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and right away involve him in those things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how's your D&amp;amp;D campaign moving along? Did you get past that beholder?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Heard about Bon Jovi coming to town in 5 months? Shall we get the tickets?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc. etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you are putting both of you at ease, in the comfort zone. Conversation will continue naturally and spontaneously from here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per your other question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it weird if i show interest in his life besides playing games?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you defined your relationship to be brothers-like, why should it be weird?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T10:12:06.000" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9830" CreationDate="2018-01-31T10:48:38.227" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing I read about debating/arguing that struck me was this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The goal of any disagreement isn't to win over the person you're arguing with, but to help someone else who has never thought about the topic at hand&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://tay.kinja.com/rules-of-engagement-how-to-argue-on-the-internet-1538517381&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Source&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The TL;DR of that is; Don't argue/browbeat, discuss the issue with them instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone is clearly wrong about something on an emotional topic, telling them they are wrong isn't going to work. They're likely to just link to the first source they find (without reading) and call it a day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best call of action is one of a few things politely, try to seem impartial and just curious:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask them questions about it that get them to think through the whole process, i.e 'Which chemicals cause autism? How? Why would doctors do that? What benefit does it give society to do this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask them to provide a source, then ask them to explain why the source is correct. This might prompt them to read it and realize it's bogus.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like the article says, you're unlikely to convince someone immediately. But you'll make them and others watching think about their own convictions, that's all that matters in some cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If the person thinks they've come to these conclusions by themselves, they're going to be more receptive than just being told they're wrong.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another really great video is &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS9W-wlJHPA&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this one&lt;/a&gt; by Charisma on Command, about the recent Channel 4 interview with Jordan Peterson. It goes over how he managed to come off so well in a similar(ish) situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T10:48:38.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9835" CreationDate="2018-01-31T11:03:14.413" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are lots of things you can do. Personally, I would recommend not doing something very typical e.g. &quot;Hey, wanna dance with me?&quot;, it's a club, not a prom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Before approaching her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thing you will need to do is inform her of your presence. Try to have eye contact to her, with a slight smile. Once that's done many scenarios can happen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;- You and her will keep having eye contacts with each other.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This most probably means that she is interested in you. After a couple of eye contacts, you can approach her. Having too many eye contacts is simply risky, because time passes. She may leave or get asked by another guy. That's the reason you need to be efficient. Enough eye contact(s) for her to know your presence and you get an idea of her mood but not too many and risking of losing her. By having some looks with each other before you come close to her, she will feel comfortable, secure and somewhat familiar with you, instead of you going unexpectedly or randomly to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;- She never looks at you again&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although not certain, she is probably not very interested. Of course, you have nothing to lose if you still approach her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on her look during your eye contact(s), you will get lots of insight. Sometimes it will be deadly obvious that she wants you to go talk to her. Try to decrypt her face look and prepare accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Approaching her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the hard part. Even if you both had multiple eye contacts, you can still ruin everything if you do this wrong way. Since you are in a night club and the sound is strong, you need to keep the talk low. Comparing to a pub setting, you can't invest much in talking. Of course you will talk -and it will be important what/how you say- but not too much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this is a dance club and she is dancing. You will need to be in a dance mood also. Approach her by looking only her and extent your arm nicely with a smiley face without saying anything. You just asked her to dance with you. If she gives you her arm (YEEIII!!), pull her gently and nicely out of her friends circle and go a little bit further to dance (not too far away, that would be creepy, just 1-2 meters - she needs to feel she is safe close to her friends). You have started dancing with her! Of course, how you dance is up to you. Assuming she enjoys dancing with you, you can then try to touch her in a nice way i.e. placing your arms in her waist, be gentleman and respectful. Enjoy the night! ;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11962" LastEditorUserId="11962" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T11:09:35.733" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T11:09:35.733" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9847" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9864" CreationDate="2018-01-31T12:11:26.447" Score="14" ViewCount="728" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, I've been taught to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Give-a-Feedback-Sandwich&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;'sandwich feedback'&lt;/a&gt;. For those that are unfamiliar with the term, it means you start and end with giving compliments, and put the feedback in between those compliments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, this feels very unnatural though and fake though. My gut feeling tells me it's weird to give compliments just so you can say 'this was better done another way'. Also, although the method assumes the compliments given are real, they feel fake to me (both when giving and receiving them). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A google search for the effectiveness of the feedback sandwich gives me a lot of opinion pieces that share my views, but no links to scientific experiments or research. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there any research or scientific proof out there on why and how sandwich feedbacks are more effective than other ways of giving feedback?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T12:57:46.763" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T16:38:35.707" Title="Is there any research showing whether sandwich feedbacks are more effective than other forms of feedback?" Tags="&lt;academic-research&gt;&lt;feedback-methods&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9835" CreationDate="2018-01-31T12:39:26.430" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A bold but respectful and classic way would be to wait, paradoxically, until  she &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; dance, and &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; find a good moment to approach her spot at the bar or table and simply ask her, politely, with a smile. The good moment would be after she has had a few sips of her drink, and when she seems not too engaged in a conversation. If she finds you attractive she may bite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many (more 80s and 90s, punk-ish) places where I have been that would be a rather unusual move and may easily be turned down; tough. But it shows your interest in a straight-forward, un-creepy way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another classic one is to send a drink over, if there is service, and say cheers from afar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4313" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T12:39:26.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9850" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9847" CreationDate="2018-01-31T12:56:37.780" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A quick search on Google Scholar found me the following paper by Amy J. Henley &amp;amp; Florence D. DiGennaro Reed: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Amy_Henley2/publication/285261023_Should_You_Order_the_Feedback_Sandwich_Efficacy_of_Feedback_Sequence_and_Timing/links/565d15f808ae1ef9298205e0/Should-You-Order-the-Feedback-Sandwich-Efficacy-of-Feedback-Sequence-and-Timing.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Should You Order the Feedback Sandwich? Efficacy&#xA;of Feedback Sequence and Timing&#xA;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am no psychiologist, and can't really judge the research in-depth, but it looks like they put some effort into it, so here goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Participants and Setting&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Participants were eight undergraduate students (7 females, 1 male) enrolled&#xA;  in an introductory behavioral science course at a midwestern university who&#xA;  received extra credit for participation. The experimenter was a graduate&#xA;  teaching assistant for six of the eight participants. Participants’ ranged in age&#xA;  from 18 to 43 (M = 23). Experimental sessions took place in a research room&#xA;  (2.21 × 2.03 × 2.44 m) containing a table, a chair, experimental materials,&#xA;  and one bin located on the center-right of the table for completed products.&#xA;  A one-way mirror separated the research room from an observation room of&#xA;  the same dimensions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Materials&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Participants completed four simulated office tasks: folding brochures, stuffing&#xA;  envelopes, collating packets, and filing timesheets. For the folding task, the&#xA;  experimenter instructed participants to fold brochures in half and place each&#xA;  one in the completion bin located on the table. The materials for stuffing&#xA;  envelopes included two flyers announcing a community event and a box of&#xA;  500 envelopes. The experimenter instructed participants to place one of each&#xA;  flyer in an envelope and place the unsealed envelope in the completion bin.&#xA;  Materials for the third simulated office task, collating packets, included seven&#xA;  pages of a training manual. The experimenter positioned stacks of each page&#xA;  in two horizontal rows centered in front of the participant (four stacks on the&#xA;  top row, three on the bottom) and a stapler in the bottom-right open space.&#xA;  The experimenter instructed participants to gather one page from each stack,&#xA;  staple the packet in the corner, and place the packet in the completion&#xA;  bin. For the remaining task, we created 120 timesheets (four timesheets for&#xA;  30 employees). The timesheets were pseudo-randomized and placed on the&#xA;  table aside a mobile bin containing 30 hanging files, one for each employee.&#xA;  We grouped files alphabetically by first name. The experimenter instructed&#xA;  participants to identify the name on the timesheet and file the timesheet in&#xA;  the corresponding folder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Procedure&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The three sequences of feedback included (a) the feedback sandwich, or&#xA;  the delivery of a positive statement followed by a corrective statement&#xA;  and another positive statement (PCP); (b) a positive–positive–corrective&#xA;  (PPC) sequence; and (c) a corrective–positive–positive (CPP) sequence.&#xA;  We selected these sequences to hold the ratio of positive to corrective statements constant and only vary the delivery sequence.1 We also evaluated&#xA;  the effects of no feedback as a control condition. Four participants received&#xA;  feedback about their prior performance immediately before completing the&#xA;  next session of the same task (i.e., presession feedback). The remaining&#xA;  four participants received feedback immediately after the completion of each&#xA;  session (i.e., postsession feedback).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Baseline&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On arriving for the first session, participants provided informed consent and&#xA;  demographic information. We asked them to refrain from using their mobile&#xA;  devices during sessions. The experimenter presented the materials on the&#xA;  tabletop, provided instructions about how to perform each task, and asked&#xA;  participants to complete the task. During each session, the experimenter&#xA;  observed the participant through a one-way mirror. After 5 min, the experimenter&#xA;  knocked on the window to prompt the participant to stop performing&#xA;  the task, entered the research room, gathered the session materials, and&#xA;  began the next session. Participants did not receive feedback for any of the&#xA;  tasks. Baseline continued until the participant completed each of the four&#xA;  tasks a minimum of three times and the rate of performance was stable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their conclusions were as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The purpose of this study was to evaluate the efficacy of feedback&#xA;  sequence—in particular the feedback sandwich method—and the influence&#xA;  of the timing of feedback delivery. Overall, the findings suggest that the&#xA;  sequence of feedback statements and their timing influence performance,&#xA;  but the effects may be idiosyncratic across participants at the individual&#xA;  level. However, interesting findings emerge when we compare aggregate&#xA;  performance. For participants who experienced presession feedback, the no&#xA;  feedback condition was the most efficacious and the PPC sequence was&#xA;  the least efficacious. For participants who received postsession feedback,&#xA;  the CPP sequence was the most efficacious and the no feedback condition&#xA;  was the least efficacious. Although the most and least efficacious feedback&#xA;  sequences differed for the pre- and postsession feedback conditions when&#xA;  we considered all conditions, there were no statistically significant differences&#xA;  in performance based on feedback timing within a particular feedback&#xA;  sequence, except for the no feedback condition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More details and more elaborate discussion can be found in the link above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to answer your question, there is at least some research done to test the validity of the feedback sandwich, but &lt;strong&gt;it doesn't seem all too convincing there is a real benefit.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T13:25:18.383" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T13:25:18.383" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9852" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9861" CreationDate="2018-01-31T13:40:18.817" Score="56" ViewCount="20841" Body="&lt;p&gt;I dislike telephone communication in general, compared to face-to-face interactions. I am not interested in communicating with anybody with mobile phone, for socialising or professional purposes. &lt;strong&gt;I work from home now and am near-constantly reachable on the home land-line telephone number.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am out, nobody needs to reach me urgently anyway, except my family. So the only mobile phone I use is a &quot;family number&quot; for me to maintain contact with my parents and sister. This number is linked as a 'twin number' with my father's mobile under a &quot;family sharing plan&quot; offered by the telecom provider, and is not meant to be given to anyone else. The point is that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;the family mobile number is not the same as a personal mobile number&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; because it is not even my phone or my number, and it could be used by any member of the family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I really don't have a personal mobile number&lt;/strong&gt;, and it's mainly because I had several negative experiences with mobile phones when I used to be a high-ranking public health official in city administration for a 2-year period in 2010&amp;ndash;12. I am not active on any social media except Stack Exchange which is apparently not a social media, and prefer to get communications by email rather than on a mobile. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it seems to be a new element of social culture here in India that whenever one meets an old friend / acquaintance, or meets someone new in a professional or personal setting, they end up asking for your mobile number. It is real-world social &quot;networking.&quot; This happens to me routinely and I have struggled to give these people a good answer. People look amazed, disbelieving and hurt when I say that I don't have a mobile number. They want to know &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. When I happened to meet an old classmate after several years last Sunday at the supermarket, this problem recurred:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After speaking with me for few minutes,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend concludes:&lt;/strong&gt; OK I'll keep in touch. What's your Whatsapp number?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; you know my personality; I am not on social media.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; still, you must be having a mobile number...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; I don't have a mobile number. You can reach me anytime at my home number which you already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; I seen a mobile phone in your pocket.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; That's my mother's phone. You can reach me on that number too...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; I don't want your mother's mobile number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me (smiles sheepishly)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend (disbelieving):&lt;/strong&gt;  What? You really don't have a mobile number? Everyone has a mobile number. Why you don't have?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me (invents a weak excuse):&lt;/strong&gt; I am changing my mobile number. The new number will be obtained in a few days. Meanwhile, you can reach me anytime at my home number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; OK, be sure to send me your new number when you get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These people often look hurt when I say that I don't have a mobile number, as if they suspect me of being unwilling to share my mobile number with them. Some of them ask why, but I am not comfortable with discussing my reasons with these people. So I am forced to invent weak excuses. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a fact that I am extremely introverted and don't want casual telephonic contact with friends, relatives &amp;amp; acquaintances. So my aim is to channel all calls to the one home-based land-line telephone number (or, alternatively, my mother's phone) so that I am actually reachable but people will use it only for a genuine purpose. However, I find that it is not enough for a person to be reachable on some telephone: Sharing one's personal mobile number has acquired a whole lot of social and interpersonal connotations so that not having a mobile number is viewed as unbelievable and downright counter-cultural in this age of instant communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I meet this friend again a few weeks later he is sure to ask me again for my mobile number. How do I convincingly convey to friends and acquaintances that I don't have a mobile number of my own, &lt;strong&gt;without going into my personal reasons&lt;/strong&gt; which I do not want to discuss with these people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notes: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;honest yet blunt responses like &quot;this phone number is only for family members&quot;, &quot;I dislike phone communication&quot; and &quot;I don't give anybody my mobile number&quot; are considered unfriendly in Indian culture unless you give them a full and detailed explanation of the reasons, which I don't want to get into in these cases. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As clarified by a very constructive &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9852/how-can-i-convincingly-communicate-to-a-friend-that-i-dont-have-a-personal-mo?noredirect=1#comment39407_9852&quot;&gt;comment&lt;/a&gt; from user @Cascabel, what I am really looking to convey convincingly to friends and acquaintances is that &lt;em&gt;I am not available for real-time voice-calling and WhatsApp-based communication via a mobile phone&lt;/em&gt;, but saying that explicitly to them would be considered very unfriendly here.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;May I also clarify that I am &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; asking for 'convincing excuses' as some members might have misunderstood, but seeking a convincing interpersonal approach to the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="6662" LastEditDate="2019-06-16T15:07:14.317" LastActivityDate="2020-09-03T09:45:03.350" Title="How can I convincingly communicate to a friend that I don't have a 'personal' mobile number?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="21" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-01-31T13:48:38.847" Score="72" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell the person that your mobile phone is only for family calls:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;I'm sorry, but I only use my mobile number to contact my family. I &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; have a phone number, though: &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;home number&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or maybe even better, don't even mention &amp;quot;mobile&amp;quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;Yes, here's my phone number: &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;home number&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;. I don't have WhatsApp.&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make up excuses. As you've experienced, these can catch up with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be honest. don't tell the person you don't &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; a mobile phone, but tell them you don't use it that much, if they ask for it. You don't need to lie, but you don't need to tell them &lt;em&gt;every detail&lt;/em&gt;, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In regards to your edit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;blunt responses like &amp;quot;this phone number is only for family members&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; &amp;lt;...&amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's quite problematic that a honest answer like that is considered &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;blunt&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;. That said, I'd rather be blunt and honest, than vague and dishonest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been asked to provide &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;personal experience or external sources&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have not been in this exact situation in the past, as &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt;, personally, either give my mobile number, or tell them they can't have mine. There is no &amp;quot;stigma&amp;quot; or cultural pressure to give out a mobile phone number, like that, in the Netherlands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, basically, this answer is based on my personal experience of interacting with people. It's how I would do it, and it's what's worked for me in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12177" LastEditorUserId="12177" LastEditDate="2020-09-03T09:45:03.350" LastActivityDate="2020-09-03T09:45:03.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-01-31T13:50:06.157" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I convincingly convey to friends and acquaintances that I don't have a mobile number&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the same way you convinced us: by telling the truth. What's wrong about the truth? You've seen in first person that using an excuse led to even more troubles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;without going into my personal reasons&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling the pure truth does not automatically imply entering in details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've had bad past experiences with mobile phones, which upset me and about which I don't really feel like talking about. Please note, this is in no way a personal problem with you, and you are actually welcome to reach me whenever you wish via my land-line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the simple truth, without entering details.&#xA;At this point, if they insist, then &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are rude, not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="12183" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T15:52:52.433" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T15:52:52.433" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-01-31T13:52:47.217" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think in this situation you are right with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These people often look hurt when I say that I don't have a mobile number, as if they suspect me of being unwilling to share my mobile number with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're probably taking this as a hint that you just don't want to remain in contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the simplest solution here would be to &lt;strong&gt;tell them why&lt;/strong&gt; you don't have one/give the number out and &lt;strong&gt;offer an alternative communication method&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry but I don't keep a mobile phone anymore due to personal reasons, you can contact me by e-mail or landline instead however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T13:52:47.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-01-31T14:00:46.317" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They want to know why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel it's none of their business, tell them it's none of their business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Because I don't want to have one, and I really don't want to go into the reasons. You can reach me using 'X' or 'Y'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they keep pressuring you after you tell them this, you could literally tell them &amp;quot;My reasons are none of your business, and you can either contact me using 'X' or 'Y' or not at all.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's something I've had to do multiple times in the past. Not specifically for mobile phones, but for WhatsApp (which I didn't use for the longest time), for not being on Facebook (which I've never &lt;em&gt;wanted&lt;/em&gt; to use but eventually became impossible to do without), and some other networks as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll usually go into the reasons briefly the first time, but if people keep asking, I will go into the above answers. I should point out that &lt;strong&gt;nobody likes hearing it&lt;/strong&gt;. You're making their life more difficult by not being like them and having the same things and liking the same things. But they will respect it, or at least they'll just have to deal with it. Because if you don't have it, you don't have it. They can't make you have it, but they can sulk about you not having it. (And they will.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2020-09-03T08:52:27.347" LastActivityDate="2020-09-03T08:52:27.347" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-01-31T14:27:08.960" Score="64" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what you have said the issue is not actually closely tied to whether or not you have a mobile phone or are willing to share its number, so no amount of explaining that will help. The problem is that people's refusal to accept your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are likely a number of intertwined reasons for that and I can't possibly, being in a different culture entirely, anticipate them all. Here are a couple of aspects to consider though:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your reply is unexpected because you are, in this regard, a statistical oddity. &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; people have a mobile phone and &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; mobile phone owners in your milieu are happy to share their number and WhatsApp. Stories have hit the headlines in the UK recently about WhatsApp servers not being able to cope in the mornings and evenings as vast numbers of people in India message all their hundreds of WhatsApp contacts to wish them 'Good Morning' and 'Good Night', if those stories are correct then you are bucking a big trend and people are surprised.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your reply is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;so&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; unexpected in this climate that they wonder if you are lying to avoid being social with them, as an individual, and they are affronted, especially if they think they see evidence that contradicts your statement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible that you will never get most people to accept your word at first pass on this, because it is unexpected and causes them doubt and a little insecurity. It may be that the best you can do is anticipate their response and try to head it off before it is given:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After speaking with you for few minutes,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend: OK I'll keep in touch. What's your Whatsapp number?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Oh, I know &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; will understand this, but a lot of idiots just&#xA;  don't listen or believe me when I explain that I don't have one. You&#xA;  know [in a confiding tone] I had a lot of trouble before when I had&#xA;  one for work and I know my good friends understand why I want to avoid&#xA;  all that and they call the landline if they want to speak to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend: That is the trouble with people today, they don't listen when&#xA;  people talk!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, that might be a bit ambitious hoping for that response, but the idea would be to put your friend in the position of already having been praised for &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; haranguing about your reasons and reassured them of the esteem in which you hold them. Very often if you can show people that you believe in their better self, the more they try to live up to that expectation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T08:46:26.443" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T08:46:26.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9862" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9868" CreationDate="2018-01-31T14:31:32.587" Score="4" ViewCount="2272" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All conversations I had with her are through text messages, games and on occasion through calls. We've known each other for 3 years, with a big pause in between of 1.5 years that ended last summer. &#xA;We can actually talk about everything (not going into details) however since New Years Eve our contact has not be as much as it was; We used to talk daily. There was no contact for 2 weeks and then another 2 weeks went by where I was unsure how to contact because when I send a message I got responses like: &quot;don't want to talk&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last Sunday we talked for more than an hour (I was at that moment fully prepared not be able to talk to her, this time forever). She assured then she does not want to lose contact at all, however she needs quite a lot of time alone. Note that I started the conversation on last Sunday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this moment I'm very confused on how to progress. Would it be good to try to push to talk more or just leave it and wait for her to send a message (where I don't want to get the feeling again that it is going to die out). I obviously should discuss it with her, however I don't know when.  We haven't talked since Sunday. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal (at least for now) would be to not break the relation completely.&#xA;Finding out how much time she wants to spend has a high priority, because this is quite important to me. Intensifying the relation has no priority for me, because I'm fine with just able to talk with her on a regular basis. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I make sure our contact with each other doesn't diminish while still respecting her wishes?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How to be supportive even though the contact is not a lot&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastEditorUserId="12174" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T15:58:52.820" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T08:14:07.550" Title="How should I continue to have contact with this girl online?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-01-31T14:38:34.873" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should tell them the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are confused and keep asking questions because you are basically lying from the start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first you say you don't have a cell phone number. Actually you do, but you only want to use it with your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They know it's a lie because they saw the phone, so they ask about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You tell more lies like &quot;I will change my phone number soon&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will be easier if you tell the truth, even if it is to say that you don't want to tell them your phone number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also don't use social media and only use email and cell phone. And I change my cell phone number every ~6 months and only tell my new phone number to some people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12155" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T14:38:34.873" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9847" CreationDate="2018-01-31T14:40:38.963" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: since some users raised the concern that the question cannot be answered with peer-reviewed articles, I looked for studies in &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;PubMed&lt;/a&gt;, an exclusively academic database. The first two studies have been retrieved there. &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;- The hard data&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently, there &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; been scientific studies on the topic, although not many. The following two articles looked the most relevant to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10459-012-9377-9&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;This paper&lt;/a&gt; was published on the peer-reviewed journal &quot;Advances in Health Sciences Education&quot;. It studies the effects of sandwich feedback on medical students on clinical patient note-writing assignments. From the Discussion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These studies indicate that students think feedback sandwiches positively impact their subsequent performance when they do not. [...] &lt;strong&gt;We find a consistent placebo dose effect on student perceptions in that full sandwiches are perceived as most effective, followed by ‘open-faced’ sandwiches, followed by unsandwiched feedback&lt;/strong&gt;. While substantive positive comments resulted in an interim improvement in congruence with calibration content scores this did not result in improved patient note scores in T2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Does the disconnect between learner perception and impact on performance matter? That is, is there any negative consequence to students misperceiving the impact of sandwiches? &lt;strong&gt;Study 2 hints that feedback sandwiches containing more substantive positive comments might actually be detrimental to students’ ability to critically self-assess&lt;/strong&gt;, since there was a positive relationship between the number of substantive positive comments at T1 and less accurate self-assessment at T2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0300957215003822?via%3Dihub&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;This other article&lt;/a&gt; published in &quot;Resuscitation&quot;, a journal of the Elsevier group, compares the learning conversation and the sandwich technique in a BLS (Basic Life Support) training course. While they don't differ much in their final effect, the paragraph about instructors feedback is interesting:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nineteen (40.4%) instructors remarked that the sandwich technique was too structured and repetitive; &lt;strong&gt;“Very repetitive—students quickly picked up on pattern of technique and therefore began to ignore it and so it lost its value”&lt;/strong&gt;. Sixteen (34%) instructors commented that the sandwich technique was awkward to use as candidates naturally wanted to talk about points for improvement first; “Students were quick to think of the negatives rather than the positives of their performance”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;- A more theoretical approach&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.aabri.com/manuscripts/141831.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;This article (&quot;The sandwich feedback method: Not very tasty&quot;)&lt;/a&gt; is a review on the topic: it provides a good insight on why sandwich feedback arose in the first place and why it isn't such a good idea. It has been published by the Journal of Behavioral Studies in Business, a peer-reviewed journal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The study focuses on the sandwich feedback in the workplace, where it can become a repeated behaviour that involves the same people (manager and employees), but I think its conclusions can be extended to its use in common environments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Why the sandwich feedback is used&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;[L]eaders admitted that they used this particular approach since &#xA;  &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; find giving negative performance feedback too stressful.&lt;/strong&gt; Managers found it to be more relaxing by beginning the discussion with the employee by starting first with positive comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Other reasons why leaders may use the sandwich method surround the issues of optimism and being positive. Managers are encouraged to be upbeat based on two fundamental motivational perspectives: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;approach&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;avoidance&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;approach&lt;/strong&gt; perspective holds that individuals move toward those things they find &#xA;  attractive. Matlin &amp;amp; Stang (1978) stated that &lt;em&gt;there could possibly be no virtue more enviable in the United States than to be an optimistic and positive person.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;[The article appears to give for granted that the sandwich approach was born in the USA.]  &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;avoidance&lt;/strong&gt; perspective holds that individuals try to evade that which they find to be undesirable or disagreeable. This is the case with providing subordinates negative feedback. Such feedback, however, presents a dilemma; most believe it necessary but few want to deliver it &#xA;  (Ilgen &amp;amp; Davis, 2000). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;em&gt;Why the authors consider the sandwich feedback to be ineffective&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The article gives a thorough list of both speculation- and literature-based (though it's literature written by managers relying on their personal experience) of why they consider this method to be ineffective. In short, &lt;strong&gt;it benefits the manager and not the employee.&lt;/strong&gt;   Over time, moreover, the employee learns to anticipate a reproach when praised and will doubt the    honesty of the praise itself - also because the positive qualities of a person will likely stay more or less the same, thus leading the manager to repeat themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The article also proposes an &lt;strong&gt;alternative to the sandwich feedback&lt;/strong&gt;. While it is obviously focused on a relationship involving hierarchies such as the one between a manager and their employees, I think it's worth reading it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.&#xA;Plan the discussion, when possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2.&#xA;Keep positives and negatives separate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3.&#xA;Time discipline so as not to be too soon or too late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4.&#xA;Focus on the issue regarding employee behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;5.&#xA;Connect the behavioral &#xA;issue to &#xA;how the issue &#xA;impacts &#xA;the business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;6.&#xA;State consequences if behavior does not improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;7.&#xA;Identify the proper and required behavioral change that &#xA;the supervisor expects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;8.&#xA;Ask how &#xA;the &#xA;manager can help the worker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;9.&#xA;Express &#xA;confidence in the employee’s ability to improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T16:38:35.707" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T16:38:35.707" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9693" CreationDate="2018-01-31T14:47:48.197" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yeah you should invite them, if anything it may improve their situation. They will feel positive, they will feel they have some purpose, somewhere to be, that they are loved and wanted. They may be hyped up and enjoy the experience of getting ready. I'm sure they will want to brag to their friends/family/helpers that &quot;oh my friend ~ who I've known for 30 years has invited me to his birthday party. He's such a nice guy we did all these things together in the great war 200 years ago...etc&quot; jk but serious but also jk&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with what others said about letting them know you understand if they can't make it, but please make sure it's not worded like that. &quot;We understand if you can't make it&quot; is so depressing, you know? Like they will probably cry if they read it. Just frame it another way like &quot;We hope to see you there&quot; or something purely positive and without the &quot;but u know it's cool if ur already dead we will understand&quot; u feel me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12155" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T14:47:48.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9830" CreationDate="2018-01-31T14:50:29.203" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like many &quot;telling someone they're wrong&quot; issues, you could distance yourself from possible conflict by trying to sympathize with why they might be sharing this. You could try something such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I saw this earlier and was really (insert emotional response from watching video - shocked/upset/angry)! I started looking up more info about it and thankfully found that (insert your facts).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally favor this approach because &lt;strong&gt;people are more likely to feel invited to discuss with you&lt;/strong&gt;, and at least look at your sources, if you acknowledge how believable the claim is (&lt;em&gt;even if it seems ridiculous to you, acknowledge how it could be believable by someone who isn't as educated on the topic&lt;/em&gt;). This acknowledgement can minimize the risk of people feeling stupid, as though you're putting them down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in summary: &lt;strong&gt;Be relatable!&lt;/strong&gt;  The best teachers in life are the ones who teach from the point of views of their student, because the students feel comfortable enough to ask more questions to fully understand the topic at hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T16:13:54.780" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T16:13:54.780" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9862" CreationDate="2018-01-31T15:05:32.107" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even though you talk to this girl online, you're not aware of all the happenings in her life. Maybe she found some new friends, or a love interest, and is too busy with them to give you as much attention as she used to. Or maybe she's had something happen in her life which has caused her to shy away. Who knows? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could write her a message saying that you miss talking to her, and are sad that she's been so withdraw lately (don't blame her for being distant). Trying to force the issue is not a good idea, because you don't know what's causing her behavior (it could be that she suffered some sort of personal tragedy, and just wants to be left alone right now). Gently reminding her that you still value her friendship, and then giving her space, is probably the best way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion would be to also find someone you can talk to in the real world. A friend you can hand out with and speak about pressing matters in person. You can do this by getting involved in some new activities (martial arts, an art club, etc.) and simply meeting new people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, when your online friend wants to talk, you can do so. There's nothing stopping you from occasionally saying hello, and seeing what happens. But you won't be left hanging when she does not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other advice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she replies with &quot;I don't want to talk&quot; you can say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, that's too bad, I miss our conversations. Hope you're well, see you around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's online, but not initiating a conversation, you can (occasionally, don't push the point if she's not showing signs of wanting to speak) send her some short messages reminding her that you still consider her a friend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, how are you? I just remembered that time when we talked about X and (how much that meant to me) /  (how funny that was). Anyway, I hope things are well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These sort of short messages will remind her that you're thinking of her without the expectation that she reciprocate, or engage with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In time, if she doesn't answer, or is stand-offish, you'll have to accept that perhaps she's intentionally ignoring you, and that you should stop sending messages altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T15:20:40.997" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T15:20:40.997" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9835" CreationDate="2018-01-31T15:10:50.117" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Its loud and your window of opportunity to communicate is short. &#xA;I would write (&quot;its too loud to talk here and so you won't hear me but I would really like to dance with you&quot;) on a small card and show it to her. She will either say &quot;yes&quot; or &quot;no&quot; and you will have your answer. Either way you won't be a creep/grinder. Make sure its fairly clean and not covered in food/beer etc and doesn't look like you used it forty times before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="427" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T15:10:50.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9841" CreationDate="2018-01-31T15:12:16.713" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm no personal coach or professional, but I've had my personal share of experience and watched a lot of therapy videos. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your own personal stream of things to talk about won't come from your brain/rational part, but from your emotions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Process your emotions, ask them what do they want to talk about. You will most certainly talk about the right things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g. Emotion of enjoyment, talk about the latest restaurant you've gone to that you really enjoyed. Emotion of failing at a project, talk about that (yes, people relate when you share stuff like that). Emotion of reminiscing the person, talk about the things you did together long time ago that makes you feel nostalgic. Emotion of shame/pride in a political happening, that can get you going for quite long talking about that political happening. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Also talk about yourself.&lt;/strong&gt; Your life is unique, nobody knows it better than you, and your friend is interested about it. Use the pronoun &quot;I&quot; more often, as yourself is the only person you can talk about in a credible and accurate way. And let the other persons talk about themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking about the weather being really amazing or very bad is okay too to a certain extent, but it should come naturally and not from your brain actively looking for content to talk about. I see a lot of people barring that topic for some odd reason that it's not intellectual enough or something, but this is bull and it's a completely fine topic if you feel like talking about it. It will probably still constitute a small percentage of the discussion in terms of time spent on that topic, but that's fine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will always have more contents to talk about if you listen to your emotions. They're as close one can get to your true self. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2809" LastEditorUserId="2809" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T15:20:28.963" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T15:20:28.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9693" CreationDate="2018-01-31T16:48:44.213" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;A common thread in the answers here &lt;em&gt;accommodations&lt;/em&gt; - what can you do to accommodate disabilities?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answers you've got, have got the visible stuff covered (although I didn't see a note about wheelchair accessibility, which matters a lot with the company I keep), and at least one reply covers making none of it seem like an effort on your part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer is about the invisible stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Us geeks visiting from the programmer 'Stack will know about providing a 'quiet room' for people who need a low-stimulus recovery or 'time out' space. Those of us fortunate enough to have a library put a wry note on our invitations that &lt;em&gt;we're perfectly happy to see that some of the guests are just as excited about the chance to visit our book collection as they are to visit us: do, please, keep it a quiet space for them&lt;/em&gt; - and we're used to seeing a note about a 'quiet room' in about half of the invitations we get. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It turn out that this as much a courtesy as ensuring that there are &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; as many chairs as people in a party where you know that some of your guests are over 65. Or under 65, and not disclosing the kind of joint problems or fatigue issues where seating is a necessity, not a courtesy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or under 65, and you don't know that they have something they're not disclosing to you - and that's the point, here: some accommodations for people with less-obvious problems turn out to be accommodations you needed to provide, and didn't know about, for more of your guests than you thought...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...And, it turns out, these 'accommodations' turn out to be very welcome - and welcoming! - for at least half of your guests, who wouldn't think to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Labelling one of the tables as gluten-free might be useful, too. Or sugar-free (remember the drinks, too) as a lot of elderly people have diabetes. The current state of play on cardiovascular medications means that you probably don't need a salt (or sodium-) free dish: but you get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quiet space, crash-out space for resting, smoke-free space, reassurance that the place is accessible, food choices and an &lt;em&gt;explicit&lt;/em&gt; statement that arrangements are being made for people who don't drive a car are all part of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12192" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T16:48:44.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-01-31T17:16:01.020" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not the answer you want to hear but it is THE answer....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best friend is a rival (to your partner) female who you wish do to things with that you don't want to do with your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you do things in secret with said best friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you are doing is confirming the suspicions in your partner's head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put yourself in your partner's shoes and reverse the genders. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would you like it if your partner had a best male friend? One they do secret stuff together? Maybe he goads her to put you down to undermine your relationship and further increase himself in her eyes? Every snigger when you pass by MUST be about you (whether that is true or not is beside the point, it is the perception of the action).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people think the idea that a truly platonic friendship between the sexes with realistic mating potential to be incredibly naive. &#xA;I know that if my partner has an opposite gendered best friend, it means I am failing because I want to be that friend. Her gal pals are not my rivals but another man is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go ahead and try to continue the relationship and see what happens. You will watch your relationship deteriorate slowly and it will eat at your partner's heart everyday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12196" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T00:02:16.513" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T00:02:16.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-31T17:45:50.477" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not a behavioral expert but my 2 cents here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First I would discuss and I am sure your partner would find excuses. The next thing I suggest you both should get together and write down what your both chores are and divide among yourself. For example you cook and the other could clean the dishes or you do clothes the other cooks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making a note of who completed which task and if not completed write down the reason and stick it on the refrigerator. This would make it easier for both of you to know who did what. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not suggest anyone arguing or shouting at the other for not doing their task and understand why they were unable to complete and if it is justifying then it is okay. But you cannot give the same reason everyday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you maintain a good healthy relationship and workout things between you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T17:45:50.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-01-31T17:48:18.020" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like the answers that advocate for honesty, even if that's a reserved kind of honesty like Cerbrus' answer. But I want to address what I see as the root of the issue and offer a possible solution from that (it feels like a longshot but maybe this will be useful to you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea of the motive was somewhat touched upon in spagirl's answer (ah also Graham now that I read it), but it's worth expanding on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do they look like they feel hurt? Is it just because they feel you are lying? But why would they think you are lying? Lies have a motive, so when they seem like they don't believe you they are also assuming a reason you might be lying, and I think that'd usually be that you aren't interested in communicating with them, so you'd tell a lie about the phone number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that sense, I think honest explanations about why you aren't giving them your number are good, but what they were ultimately looking for wasn't that, it was to have channels to easily and casually communicate with you, so even if you explain, that goal still isn't met for them. Emails don't do since they maybe are seen as too formal and slow in comparison to phone calls and Instant Messaging apps (I'm going to focus on IM apps since you specifically mentioned Whatsapp). Going through your mother, similarly, maybe doesn't feel as casual and easy, but on top of that they might feel like they are inconveniencing your mother every time they want to reach you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think that in order to change their attitudes, instead of focusing on explaining the phone number issue, try focusing on finding alternatives to open that channel of communication, this can reassure them that the issue isn't that you don't want to stay in contact (unless you actually don't want to, which would complicate matters here), and ideally by doing that, you stop seeming like you have a reason to lie to them, which in turn makes the phone number story more believable because the motive to lie is gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(To give some ideas about IM apps: Not sure what works best in your location, or even if you really are open to using any IM app, but if you are: Hangouts: it's fairly well known, and since it's email based it's easy to assume people can use it without much trouble. Skype is one of the most popular ones (in my spheres anyways) and also easy to use. I'm personally a fan of Discord, but maybe that's too niche. Anyways, I'm sure there are more IM apps that don't need a phone number, so if you are willing, my recommendation is to focus your energy on giving alternatives to these people)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Adding this from the comments:&#xA;If you aren't looking for alternative methods of communication: Maybe make as friendly an emphasis as you can on this: &quot;I work from home now and am near-constantly reachable on the home land-line telephone number.&quot; to reassure them this is a good and easy way to reach you, and as your personally preferred method of communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12089" LastEditorUserId="12089" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T18:18:20.160" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T18:18:20.160" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9773" CreationDate="2018-01-31T18:25:51.243" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question is how to break up with a headhunter. My reply is to send a polite email thanking them for their efforts and promising to keep in touch. Headhunters may not always do a great job but finding someone a job is their passion. So a thank you is in order. After that the headhunter might contact you to check on you but these contacts will be less and less frequent. &#xA;That being said, the world is small and you might need that same headhunter later. Headhunters also talk to each other. You want to have the reputation of someone easy to work with. That would be my personal advice. Good luck with your search.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12178" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T18:25:51.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9883" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-01-31T18:26:46.020" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is sad that the social norm is keeping an up to date device and a costly phone plan for it to use.&#xA;I am for honesty as are others but you should make your decision clear to them as you tell them you don't have a phone.&#xA;Not &quot;I don't have a phone. Please don't ask.&quot; but &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As my friend I hope you will understand I do not keep a cell phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In revealing and explaining bit by bit, layer by layer you see what troubles are caused.&#xA;You just need to be up front with your means of communication and not embarrassed by them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12204" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T18:34:37.033" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T18:34:37.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9884" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-31T18:43:29.217" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll be blunt: &lt;em&gt;They&lt;/em&gt; sound like me, and you sound like somebody I would not want to live together with. Your respective approaches and attitudes to daily life are fundamentally incompatible, and life hacks, discussions and organization can only mitigate that fact so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The funny thing is that you can still love each other and maintain a loving relationship, just not in the same apartment. (Boy, that can be hard even for very compatible people!) My suggestion is that &lt;strong&gt;as a common project&lt;/strong&gt; you try to find another (or two smaller) places which are close (close enough to walk home at night). With that setup I would give your relationship a much better prognosis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frame it not as a first step in a break-up but as a common project. You do that because you want to find a way to be with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: When I told my life partner about my post she agreed. Her comment was &quot;that way you do just the fun things together&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4313" LastEditorUserId="4313" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T10:46:32.273" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T10:46:32.273" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9765" CreationDate="2018-01-31T19:21:56.080" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In our household we have a rule: if it bugs you, you do it. Works great. If it bothers me I simply do it myself. Else I leave it until he gets it. No fights, no arguments. Learn to let it go!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3959" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T19:21:56.080" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9886" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9893" CreationDate="2018-01-31T20:09:19.980" Score="6" ViewCount="986" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a 22 year old male who had quite a rough past, however I will stick to what I think is important for the question. Currently I'm still a student. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was 16 I stopped going to my dad and seeing him altogether (still the case now). This was a huge event, I was mentally abused there. To be more specific: my brothers were physically abused from time to time by my stepmother. She has issues with anger management. While this is very bad, my father never acknowledged it and even denied that it was the case. The anger problems were never physical towards me, however the pressure was always present because of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother helped me get out of this situation and provided help when necessary. However she now tends to worry a lot for me, which makes sense considering what happened in the past. While she is not opposed to me going to a psychiatrist and my father, it will probably worry her very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Event and result&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months ago my sister got engaged. While this is a happy event and I'm very glad that it is going to happen (she found a great man), this also correlates to something else. Going to see my father again after not speaking to him for 6 years. Because of this I think it is smart for me to go to an expert so I'm able to handle it well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problems&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister currently has had contact with my father for ~1 year. I think it is safe to assume that my sister wants to get my father involved in the wedding. I did not discuss this with my sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not possible to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; discuss this, because it will get out eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not know specifically what would worry my mother (however that is a good point to address while discussing it with her). I do know she tends to get worried quite fast. She will probably worry the most about the impact the events will have on me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I think it is the best course of action because it will be mentally heavy to see my father again. Not going to see my father is not an option, because I want him to be able to walk my sister to the altar. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I plan to visit the therapist and my father alone, because I think that is important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How to discuss going seeing my father without worrying her?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How to discuss going to a therapist with my mom without worrying her?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T15:19:56.110" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T14:05:10.537" Title="Discussing going to a therapist and seeing my father" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9887" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9892" CreationDate="2018-01-31T21:11:58.937" Score="18" ViewCount="6485" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I have been in a position where a friend of mine has been going through difficult times and has come to me as a shoulder to cry on and/or for emotional support. During these times I find myself saying &quot;I know&quot; a lot in response to their statements. Specifically, these are statements about their feelings on situations that neither I nor they have a direct power to change, this is simply them needing to vent/rant/receive sympathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;I am feeling super overwhelmed and I just don't know what to do&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;I know, I know, and I'm here to support you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past, a (former) significant other of mine told me that my usage of the phrase &quot;I know&quot; in such situations makes me seem condescending or that I am invalidating their feelings, almost as if I am implying that the feelings are obvious and they are wasting my time by telling them to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, of course, is not at all what I want to convey. When I say &quot;I know&quot; I mean it as a way of expressing my understanding and sympathy, that I see their emotions as valid and, to the best of my ability, understand their hardship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convey this same sentiment, of sympathy, understanding, and support, without using the phrase &quot;I know&quot; which may unintentionally portray condescension or dismissal? I am looking for a similarly short phrase that I can try to replace &quot;I know&quot; with in my vocabulary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12212" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T20:18:15.083" Title="Means of expressing sympathy and understanding without saying &quot;I know&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9886" CreationDate="2018-01-31T21:12:37.330" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You cannot control how your mom is going to respond. All you can do is frame the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like the purpose of you wanting to tell your mom is informational, you want to let your mom that this is happening so that she doesn't find out through some other channel. Keep this purpose in mind while having the conversation so you don't find yourself getting sidetracked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;State what you are planning to do in a simple matter-of-fact fashion. If you already have a plan. Tell your mom that you're planning to do a thing. and then explain that plan to her. If you don't have a plan yet tell her that you are thinking about doing the thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also frame it as you asking for her advice, not about whether to do it but about how to go about it. If you can get her to feel involved in the process she'll be less likely to worry about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She'll probably have questions, answer them. Think about what questions she'll probably ask in advance and have answers planned for them. If she starts trying to change your mind, listen to her concerns, thank her for voicing them, and then make it clear that you have made up your mind and aren't looking to discuss the issue further. If she presses the issue, end the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T21:20:01.207" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T21:20:01.207" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9887" CreationDate="2018-01-31T21:24:28.933" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, that really sucks, and I'm here if you need someone to talk to or anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry &lt;a href=&quot;https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/sorry&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;isn't always used for apologies&lt;/a&gt; when you've done something wrong. You can be sorry that someone is in a difficult situation. You can be sorry that they are hurting. You can be sorry that there is nothing you can do to help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying sorry is a way of showing that you feel the same thing they do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T21:24:28.933" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9887" CreationDate="2018-01-31T21:26:17.507" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't want to have a drop in replacement for &quot;I know&quot;. If you're constantly repeating a phrase people are going to notice and it's usage will become noise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I know&quot; doesn't do a good job at expressing understanding. Try tailoring your phrases to the situation. If you want to express understanding say something specific. Say something that expresses that requires you to synthesize the information they have provided you with, to show that you are thinking about it instead of just repeating information back at them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past I have gotten called out, using a rotating collection of phrases when expressing sympathy to friends. It wasn't that the words I was using were wrong. It was that they didn't express any actual understanding of the complexities of the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T22:04:21.183" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T22:04:21.183" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9887" CreationDate="2018-01-31T21:28:56.143" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally people understand that you are trying to convey sympathy when you say &amp;quot;I know&amp;quot;. If you're looking for alternative phrases, you can use:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very sorry that you're going through a tough time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I knew how to help because I don't want you to feel upset/sad/overwhelmed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I knew what to say to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're willing to do more than be an emotional support, you can ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do? Can I help you with anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend will speak up or just convey gratitude that you offer support. Sometimes they just need an ear to listen to them or a shoulder to cry on. It can feel awkward but sometimes (quiet) company conveys more than saying random platitudes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T21:28:56.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9887" CreationDate="2018-01-31T21:31:35.737" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;When people are venting, they need to hear that you're accepting and listening to them. You've already recognized that &quot;I know&quot; probably isn't the best way, so let's think about how we can voice this without saying &quot;I know&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Validate them &amp;amp; show you're listening.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them that they're right, not that you've already heard it. Make it clear that you're accepting what they say. This way, they feel like they're making an honest connection with you and you're open to them. Echo their feelings back to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;From what you've told me, your [work/experience/family life] does sound really overwhelming.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you want something short but not why. If you're looking for filler, sometimes it's better to wait until they're finished before responding rather than trying to interrupt them with your own thoughts. If you want something brief that shows the same validation, you can try one of these instead, but I think the longer version will show that you're actually listening rather than just performing the equivalent of &quot;there, there&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I hear&lt;/strong&gt; [what] &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; [are saying and that you are struggling]&lt;strong&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I see that&lt;/strong&gt; [you're going through difficulties]&lt;strong&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I understand&lt;/strong&gt; [what you are telling me and that you are overwhelmed]&lt;strong&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is to make this fit in your own voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The concept of echoing is described in some detail in &lt;a href=&quot;https://books.google.com/books?id=qBC5AwAAQBAJ&amp;amp;pg=PA107&amp;amp;lpg=PA107&amp;amp;dq=echo%20back%20conversation%20-amazon&amp;amp;source=bl&amp;amp;ots=i483h9cKSP&amp;amp;sig=MQjzTfzvT9fgo0XXC-kXk9oYa3o&amp;amp;hl=en&amp;amp;sa=X&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwiv2eaikoPZAhUEbawKHRTdAroQ6AEIVDAG#v=onepage&amp;amp;q=echo%20back%20conversation%20-amazon&amp;amp;f=false&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Conversation Peace: The Power of Transformed Speech&lt;/em&gt; (Google Books)&lt;/a&gt; by Mary A. Kassian. An excerpt reads:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When we echo, we bounce back to others the messages they have conveyed to us. &lt;em&gt;Paraphrasing&lt;/em&gt; is one way to echo a message. Paraphrasing echoes back the verbal message. It involves accurately and succinctly restating the message in our own words. Echoing is not parroting. If you make a habit of merely parroting the sender's message, the sender will simply get annoyed. When we echo, we restate in our own words what we have heard. We convey what we have understood. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kassian pairs &quot;echo&quot; with &quot;inquire&quot; as the other part of the equation - don't just show that you're listening by echoing them - show them that you're open to hearing more by asking for more. Inquiries should be open-ended questions that invite more information without being defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, be more involved and show it by echoing what your friend is saying rather than just looking for quick utterances and asking them more about their situation. When someone's really struggling, being brief with them can feel like you don't have time for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-01-31T21:44:03.560" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T21:44:03.560" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9886" CreationDate="2018-01-31T21:57:14.410" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to discuss going seeing my father withouth worrying her?&#xA;  How to discuss going to a therapist with my mom without worrying her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just don‘t ... (yet?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume from your thoughtfully worded question that you are a loyal person. I also assume that you are overthinking this, well-intentioned, but with the unwanted effect of you feeling stuck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing a psychotherapist is IMO a great idea, because it is somebody who is not involved in your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will offer you the opportunity to reflect your options without having to worry about (presumably) corrupting your loyalty towards any of the family members involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I advise you do this for yourself and postpone all other decisions, like how, if and when to tell your Mum, how, if and when to see your father, etc.&#xA;These options can be perfectly reflected with the therapist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don‘t do the reflecting with a therapist without the therapist in advance ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Technically, chances are that you don‘t need to tell anyone about consulting a psychotherapist, because your health-insurance institution will a) cover all costs for psychotherapy and b) not require anyone knowing about it, even if you are still insured on your mother‘s ticket (you should have your own health card).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, please be aware of the difference: a &lt;strong&gt;psychiatrist&lt;/strong&gt; is a medical professional and most probably will tend to advise to treat problems presented to him/her with medication.&#xA;A &lt;strong&gt;psychotherapist&lt;/strong&gt; instead is a psychologist or a specially trained physician and will offer talking and maybe exercises. Seek one that is acknowledged by health-insurance („Kassenzulassung“) to have costs covered by your state-governed insurance plan (gesetzliche Krankenversicherung). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get in contact sooner rather than later, as often there is a considerable time gap before treatment due to demand surpassing supply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="15789" LastEditDate="2018-03-24T14:05:10.537" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T14:05:10.537" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9894" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9887" CreationDate="2018-01-31T22:11:06.397" Score="-2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In the past, a (former) significant other of mine told me that my usage of the phrase &quot;I know&quot; in such situations makes me seem condescending or that I am invalidating their feelings, almost as if I am implying that the feelings are obvious (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding to the great answers already given. I‘d like to highlight that meaning is given by the listener, and you cannot know what meaning they will give to what you say in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plus, nonverbal cues (tone of voice, speed, posture, gesture etc.) usually invite the listener to direct their meaning making process, so „I know“ can have substantially different effects as „I KNOW!!“.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me suggest an alternative route to trying to pre-determine meaning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might ask the person you are talking to for feedback:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know, this must be terrible (...)&#xA;  - after a short pause -&#xA;  How is what I say for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart from you getting feedback, chances are that such question will invite the listener to shift their focus from their feelings towards the problem to their reaction to your consoling words, which should effect a change in feeling and hopefully a little distancing to the troubling perception of that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding feedback: in case they say that „I know“ is less than helpful for X, Y, Z, you might assure them of your genuine intention to support them and ask for their specific needs in coping with that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can have a very deep impact, shifting focus from „burden“ to „need that wants fulfillment“. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going through a difficult situation, I guess I’d appreciate a genuine caring and interest from a friend over perfectly worded phrases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="9437" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T00:35:48.483" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T00:35:48.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-01-31T22:37:56.403" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just like to make them understand it's my policy and not personally related to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's impossible if your family-only phone is visible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll assume now that you solve that problem (maybe e.g. carry a small knapsack or a fanny pack and keep the phone tucked away).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, let's hit rewind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After speaking with me for few minutes,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend concludes: &amp;quot;OK I'll keep in touch. What's your Whatsapp number?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Just call me on the 555 number.  Here it is, in case you've misplaced it.&amp;quot;  (Give friend a card or little piece of paper or whatever.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;No, man, that's your landline.  I mean your cell.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;The 555 number is the best way to reach me -- actually, the only way to reach me.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Come on, guy, what's up with that?  You don't trust me with your cell number?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I hate cell phones.  Nothing personal, man.  I just don't have one.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now change the subject to divert the conversation.  Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Oh, hey, I'm playing in a new co-ed soccer league that just started up.  We need more people, so if you know anyone interested, send them my way, okay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Oh, I forgot to ask, how's your brother doing?  Did he decide to go to grad school?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can adjust all of the above for the local vernacular.  The important thing is to be firm &lt;strong&gt;but warm&lt;/strong&gt;.  That's the element that seemed to be missing from the dialog you posted.  (But I'm really glad you posted it, because it made it easier to understand the nature of the problem.)  It's funny, because at ELU you're probably the friendliest, most positive participant there.  Conjecture: you were afraid of the cell phone topic and stiffened up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I too choose not to have a cell phone.  Different strokes for different folks.  We're all different -- so what?  Let's move on with life!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line: do try to wrap up the encounter with warmth.  E.g.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm glad we ran into each other.  It was great to see you.  Say hi to your brother for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T22:37:56.403" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9887" CreationDate="2018-01-31T22:58:39.580" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The question is, what are you trying to message by saying &lt;em&gt;I know&lt;/em&gt; or anything else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Either it's a filler, an automated phrase said because you feel you are supposed to say it or whatever, without a true meaning. Then nothing will work in long term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or you mean exactly that: &lt;em&gt;I know it must be terrible, I know it hurts, I know ...&lt;/em&gt; The problem is that in general, this is not what makes people feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or you really care and you are willing to invest some time into caring. Then you can become a listener, and listen or ask for slightly more details, or even a lot more details if you are close to the other person. It takes some practice to recognize when to ask for more and when to stop, and in general it takes a lot of silence from you and quite some time. Because if someone feels super overwhelmed or whatever, they mostly need someone else to listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is that as people express themselves, they (1) sort out what they actually feel or mean (see &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Rubber duck debugging&lt;/a&gt;), (2) feel a psychological relief and (3) possibly receive some feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only you know what you are wanting and willing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T22:58:39.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9841" CreationDate="2018-01-31T23:05:30.230" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Feels a bit like a first date idea, but well, as you share many interests, you can ease things up and invite Dean to some event you're both supposed to enjoy. The fact that there's already some contents to your meeting means there's less pressure for &quot;something to be happening&quot; and less chance for &quot;silence&quot; awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just add that it is very unlikely but perfectly possible that you won't really like each other IRL (in real life). I think you should remember this, but it shouldn't be a burden to whatever you wanna do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T23:05:30.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-01-31T23:34:43.863" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;A phrasing that I might use here in the US in a situation like that might be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't use mobile phones.  This one is for emergency purposes only.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contacting family is close enough to an emergency that I wouldn't mind bending the truth on the matter, but you can decide for yourself.  If you are constantly talking with your family on it, that phrasing might not work as well.  Here in the US, an &quot;emergency purposes&quot; phone may also give the impression that you are on a plan which doesn't have very much talking time on it, and that impression may help dissuade them from seeking the number further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T23:34:43.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9478" CreationDate="2018-01-31T23:41:15.607" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will mention an option I haven't seen in other answers. Note that &lt;strong&gt;I do not think you should do this as it is extremely impolite and passive-aggressive.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you tried to explain to the recruiter that you are not interested, but you were not successful, simply stay on the line but ignore them. You can decrease the call volume to the minimum and carry on working. Sooner or later, they will realize you are not listening and hang up. This experience is very dissatisfying and I'm quite sure they would never call you again. If they do, you can use this technique after like 5 seconds, once you are sure it is them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, I consider this a natural &quot;next step&quot; if they are unwilling to understand that they are not welcome. Because that means that they are impolite in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T23:41:15.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9900" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9887" CreationDate="2018-01-31T23:41:26.887" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that may help is to avoid &quot;I&quot; statements altogether, keeping the focus very firmly on your friend and their statements. It also helps to approximately echo the level of intensity of the other person's statements. Think of this as the interpersonal version of the writer's advice to &quot;&lt;strong&gt;show, don't tell&lt;/strong&gt;.&quot; In this case, the goal is to clearly demonstrate that you hear and understand what your friend is saying, rather than claiming to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to do this is to repeat back what your friend says, hopefully with a shift in vocabulary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;I am feeling super overwhelmed and I just don't know what to do&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;Wow, you sound really swamped.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That can be hard to pull of naturally, and is kind of verbose if what you really want is something to murmur in between hiccups. For something even shorter, you can consider &lt;em&gt;commenting&lt;/em&gt; on what they've said. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;That sounds difficult  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;How awful  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;That's terrible  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;That sucks&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Oh, wow.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Oh, no!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that these aren't meant to be deep expressions of your understanding; rather, they're simple verbal validations of what your friend is saying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also be more specific, depending on what your friend is actually saying. If they are complaining about another person, you could comment on that person's behavior (&quot;sounds like a jerk move&quot; or just &quot;what a jerk&quot;); if the topic is a situation, you can say something like &quot;what a mess&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As noted above, you want to keep your commentary calibrated to their feelings. What that means is that you don't want to be much more outraged on your friend's behalf than they are, just like you don't want to be dismissive of their feelings (I think you already know that). So if they've been talking fairly calmly about having a hard time getting along with a co-worker, something like &quot;that's tough&quot; is probably going to be better-received than &quot;that @#$!!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be really hard to keep yourself out of the conversation this way; I know I struggle with wanting the person to know that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; am here for them. But often I've found that the more I try to express just how helpful and understanding I am, the more the conversation gets derailed, in contrast to when I stick to appreciating the other person's point of view. I've also experienced this from the other side—it's very powerful to feel like the entire focus of the other person's attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastActivityDate="2018-01-31T23:41:26.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9393" CreationDate="2018-02-01T00:09:19.823" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mention that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He [Bruce] never explicitly told me [why he is pushing me into the relationship], despite the fact that I explicitly asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a sort-of yellow flag for a relationship between friends. It is IMHO okay to try to push someone somewhere unless you are hurting them, but it is not okay to be dishonest about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want this to stop, you either have to make a firm request in this direction (some other answers discuss this) and rely on him respecting your reqeust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, you have to find out as much as possible from the background, because once you know why he is doing all this, you can tackle the source or it. For this, I would suggest speaking with Alice and asking her for her opinion on the thing. Do not forget to mention that you tried to stop it and that it is uncomfortable. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, Alice, can I ask you please. It seems that Bruce is forcing me into a relationship with Mary. I have to say that it is really uncomfortable. Have you got an idea why is he doing it? I would really like to stop it but he seems not to listen to my requests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T00:09:19.823" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-02-01T02:39:51.600" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in the same position as you are. I don't use a phone, and have a cellphone only for very close friends or family. Most of my communication is done via e-mail, and I'm pretty inviting when it comes to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, too, run into this problem, and usually approach it pretty honestly. Something very simple, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't actually have [use] a phone—I talk with everyone through e-mail. Want my e-mail? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm asked why (which I usually am), I respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Phones feel as if I'm &lt;em&gt;constantly&lt;/em&gt; connected to &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt;. They feel, to me, kind of mentally oppressive—this constant, ever-connected, buzzing distraction, that never stops begging for my attention, but stops me from just being &lt;em&gt;there&lt;/em&gt;. A whole world gets super compressed in a 4x4 fluorescent screen. I don't like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's honest, short but certainly not terse, and substantial enough that the other person doesn't feel hurt—and realizes you're giving them a legitimate reason. Often times it even spurs some good conversation (usually regarding technology and relationships, or something of this sort). A common response, for example, will be something like &quot;What if you're lost!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Sorry, I'm making the assumption that we both have a similar reason/philosophy for not using phones. Disregard this answer if we don't!) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11097" LastEditorUserId="11097" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T02:45:31.183" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T02:45:31.183" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9739" CreationDate="2018-02-01T04:28:55.287" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you can decouple the need from being her boyfriend to help her go through this difficult loss as one doesn't imply the other. You can be a tremendous help in her life to get through that period without being her boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think an important part of maintaining your own mental sanity if you are in a relationship that doesn't leave you enough personal space to fit your own unique needs is to set &lt;strong&gt;healthy boundaries&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's ok if you need your own time to honor yourself, to do things that you don't want and honestly don't need to do in front of her. You don't even need to give justification for your needs if you don't want to, you need your peaceful relaxed time alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But sometimes lack of assertiveness may cause you to be manipulated non-maliciously and perhaps inadvertently by her, her being a very clingy person to you. But this leads on the long term to an accumulation of emotions on your side of self-neglect, and ultimately it's like you're cheating on yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setting &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edkEmOq8Pwk&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;healthy boundaries&lt;/a&gt; is the first step of maintaining your sanity and hers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the breakup, I don't think you need to jump to conclusions. You did what you did for a &lt;strong&gt;genuine personal reason&lt;/strong&gt; and you don't need to be sorry about that or apologize to anyone. You know why you wanted that 2nd appartment, and it was because you didn't have enough space to breathe that you needed, and you judged this space was very important for your own mental sanity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first try to have this discussion with her on setting healthy boundaries so you can have that time with yourself. If she understands you and adapts to your healthy boundaries, then you won't need to break up with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if she doesn't, being with her against your will will end up causing her harm rather than help. You'll be occupying that place without being fully committed in your mind. And because you emotionally want to flee, your involvement will be undermined. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing wrong acknowledging that the relationship isn't working, that &quot;love isn't working for us&quot; but &quot;friendship does&quot;. And as friend, you can be &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here for her during her loss&lt;/a&gt;, spend time with her on a weekly basis for a year, ask her about her best memories with her dad, she can cry on your shoulder while she reminisce and share those moments with you, and that will help her tremendously to get over that difficult period as a friend, and you don't need to be her boyfriend at all to do that. She will forever respect you for doing that, regardless if you are together or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2809" LastEditorUserId="2809" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T06:30:49.897" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T06:30:49.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9909" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-01T08:33:52.370" Score="52" ViewCount="13185" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a foreigner in an English speaking country, I meet people in several situations, business and social.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you are introduced to conversations, you sometimes get lost because of lack of fluency in the English language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes you feel your conversation partner is alienated, thinking you are a moron that doesn't understand him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I introduce myself beforehand, and then remark in the conversation that I'm not an idiot, in fact I'm a really smart guy, I just need to improve my English conversation to demostrate that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8499" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T15:55:56.620" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T10:55:20.273" Title="How to remark politely that you are not an idiot, just not fluent on english language?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9909" CreationDate="2018-02-01T08:40:32.997" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Example, if they say something really fast or a sentence which have a few words you can't understand, ask them clarify what they mean and give the reason that you're new to English as a language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way would be to ask questions pertaining to the subject of the conversation which show intelligence and higher thinking (etc etc) which will show that you are not dim-witted but rather just have issues with the language the conversation is being carried out in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;i feel the same with foreign languages. And i personally try to pass my inadequacy in the language with humor while simultaneously asking for clarification. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T08:40:32.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9909" CreationDate="2018-02-01T09:04:01.030" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this might have to be dependent on context, but I have met people who speak English as a second language, and who have introduced themselves by saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, my name is ______, it's very nice to meet you. Please forgive me but I am just learning English and at times I might ask you for clarification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you can communicate that you are aware of how you might come across, and the fluent speakers are also given the opportunity up front to be more mindful of what they say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also want to note that there's absolutely no need to apologise for not being a fluent English speaker, but many English-speaking people in North America would interpret that as a polite acknowledgement of the language barrier, so that's why my example is phrased the way that it is. I can't say for sure if other places are the same, so perhaps someone else could confirm or deny this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1826" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T11:48:54.170" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T11:48:54.170" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-02-01T09:39:04.877" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been through the exact same situation for around 2 years and then broke up with my girlfriend.&#xA;My then best friend is now my current girlfriend and we are planning to get married soon. I have realized that this is something I always had but never considered it.&#xA;You should not break up with your friends ever for any relationship, instead break up with your partner if nothing else is possible and then you'll realize eventually that what you did has made you much happier and a better person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addition:&#xA;As I can see that your partner is not clearly happy with what you're happy with, this can raise some doubts about your partner's love for you as they don't see their happiness in you being happy. Since you have been feeling lonely after losing your friend, that answers that you had some extra feelings for her and should not avoid it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answer (or you can say suggestion):&#xA;Talk to her when you are feeling super low because of your breakup with your friend, that will bring out more emotions from you and you'll be able to communicate every feeling that you have.&#xA;Hope you turn out to be happier and better after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12233" LastEditorUserId="12233" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T12:59:38.807" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T12:59:38.807" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9909" CreationDate="2018-02-01T10:00:52.300" Score="81" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an English-Speaker living in a town where English is not the main language. When I moved here, my ability in the local language was intermediate and I was too shy to show how bad I was. I tried to hide that I didn't understand, I tried to pretend that I was fluent when I wasn't. This made people think I was really slow and stupid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realised that I was fooling &lt;em&gt;nobody&lt;/em&gt;. Everyone KNEW I was English from my accent, and I was just shooting myself in the foot by pretending to know more than I did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even when you do state &quot;English isn't my first language&quot;, they still don't know how good you are. There is a whole range of speaking abilities between knowing nothing and fluent. I tried telling people, but it didn't actually help because they didn't know what to do (Use simpler words? Talk slowly?). So this is what I figured out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't try and pretend to know more than you do&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not make this mistake, but I did so I'm putting it in for completeness. They probably can tell from your accent that you're not first-language English. If you don't know what they're saying, don't nod in any case and guess. Don't try and come across as fluent when you're not to impress them. It will have the opposite effect, because they'll be confused about where your ability is (nothing? fluent?) and in the worst case, they'll think you're fluent and just really slow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Instead, ask clarifying questions&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say something that doesn't make sense, ASK what it means. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you mean by ...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  What does x mean?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does a couple of things. It (1) allows you to clarify their meaning (and improve your vocabulary),  (2) it indicates to them that when you don't understand, you will ask, and (3) it attributes any mistakes you make to your language ability (and not your intelligence. In fact, you sound more intelligent because you're actively engaging in learning the language!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you accurately represent your understanding by asking them when you don't understand, they'll get a much better feel for your level of ability and will trust that when you get lost, you will say something.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Learning a language is a humbling experience, but people are really forgiving.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have always found myself to be more critical of my ability. I'll have a conversation with someone and feel absolutely horrible about it, and then ask my husband (who was present) about it later and he'll say he didn't notice any big mistakes at all. Yes, it is humbling to mess up with some grammar, but also many many native speakers use bad grammar all the time and don't even notice or care. Many people are appreciative of the fact that you are taking the time to learn their language in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It isn't necessary to bring up the language difference, but if you want to, tell others you'll ask if you get confused&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found it isn't always necessary to bring up language most of the time. Most people figure it out just because of my accent and the questions I ask. If you want to speed up the process or say something, you can tell people that you'll ask questions if you don't understand, and that they're welcome to correct you (if you're open to corrections). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;English isn't my first language, but I will ask you if I don't&#xA;  understand anything and you're welcome to tell me if I make a mistake&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, (1) you're justifying your language mistakes, (2) they're not expected to change the way they speak for you, and (3) they can trust that you will say something if you don't get it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter if you choose to mention it or not, if you accurately portray your ability by asking questions and not pretending you know more than you do, they'll figure it out on their own pretty quickly and are probably going to be more helpful and forgiving than you think!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T11:36:05.820" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T11:36:05.820" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9914" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-02-01T10:27:13.480" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your reasons for not having a mobile phone are very principled and well thought out. You sound like someone who does not compromise on their principles, so why would you wish to tell people anything less than the truth?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that you do not worry about what people will think about you not having a mobile phone in the &lt;em&gt;long term&lt;/em&gt; - that is, you know that people will have to call your landline and know that you don't use a mobile. But when face-to-face with someone questioning it, you seem to panic and want to make something up rather than stand up for your decision on this matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to have confidence in your beliefs and be prepared to tell anyone who asks exactly why you don't have a phone. You don't have to give so much detail. I admit I depend on my phone, but I can imagine it must be very freeing not to have a phone. You are free from all the anxieties that come with being constantly connected with everyone and everything. By contrast, you are allowing yourself to be trapped by panic when you are faced with someone questioning your stand. You must let go of that anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If challenged when telling somebody you don't have a mobile, perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really don't have one. I find that I don't &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they try to tell you that you do need one or should have one, perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I used to have a mobile phone. I find it is very freeing not to have&#xA;  one anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By always making it clear that this is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; personal stand rather than expressing a dislike for mobile phones you should hopefully avoid making other people feel insecure about having one themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T10:27:13.480" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9915" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-01T10:30:53.907" Score="30" ViewCount="9497" Body="&lt;p&gt;This happened two decades ago where one of my roommates was friendly to me. But, I was rash, rude and had a condescending attitude and never acknowledged her friendly gestures. She helped me when I was ill but I was too ashamed of myself to thank her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later, during my stay with her, everybody else understood what kind of a person I was and I was left alone. I never had any friends. Karma got back to me and one day she behaved in the same way that I behaved with her. It was not intentional from her end, but I guess it was more of tit-for-tat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am still ashamed of myself for that kind of behavior. I have grown up and in the last 10-15 years, I have never put any of my friends or roommates under such conditions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I understand that life is short and I need to apologize to her, personally or through a telephonic conversation. I have no idea where she lives, but I can get that information through social media. But, I truly resent my behavior during that period of time. I do not intend to give any reason for my behavior. I understand that it would deviate the original intention and would come across as an excuse rather than an apology. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried to list out possible outcomes, if I ever talk to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She might not be remotely interested in talking to me. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She might ignore my apology. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She might talk to me as a mere courtesy. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She might forgive me with a big heart. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or anything else that I cannot think of at this moment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I personally apologize to her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12234" LastEditorUserId="12234" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T14:25:40.350" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T04:44:39.530" Title="Apologizing to an old roommate" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-01T10:50:15.680" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your desire to apologise is sincere. If only she could read your question here as written.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think anybody can second-guess her response. Any of the outcomes you list are a possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Too many apologies come out like excuses. Don't attempt to say that you acted the way you did &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; of x,y or z.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing you want to get across right away is what you have already said in your question above:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No excuses. You say you are ashamed of your behaviour, you wouldn't behave like that now, so tell her that you were wrong. If she only gives you the briefest moment to talk, you can get that across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope it goes well for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T10:50:15.680" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-01T10:57:47.597" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are like me, you will live with that remorse forever. Hell, I still remember stupid stuff I did as a kid and never had the chance to apologize and set it free...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to do what you (and I agree with) think it's right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Independently of her reaction, apologize.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will bring two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Peace of mind to you - you did what's right: admit your mistakes and notice what you did wrong and who you offended and say &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;sorry&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You cannot force her to forgive you, that's her decision to make. Although, you will look a better person to her, since even after that time, you admitted your mistakes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go ahead: Say hello, apologize for your previous actions and offer a coffee or drink if you feel like it. If she accepts your apologies and / or invitation, nice for you. If she doesn't, you at least now have your peace of mind. Don't live with that guilt any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6520" LastEditorUserId="6520" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T15:11:55.793" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T15:11:55.793" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-01T11:15:02.653" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer your question on how to apologize, it's better to do it over a call and not in person. It's been a really long time so it may not be good to drop in and talk when you don't even know if she'd like to talk to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get her phone number and call her. Don't beat about the bush, just tell her that you called to apologize for your past actions. Accept that you have made your mistakes and are now ashamed of the same. Say sorry with as much humility as you can. If you sound remorseful enough and if she really feels that you have changed, there's a good chance of her accepting your apology. Depending on how that conversation goes, you can visit her personally and talk / catch up on latest happenings in your lives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, personally, I wonder why even do it - Is it to unburden yourself of some guilt or do you want to be friends again? It's been 20 years, an apology wouldn't help her at this point. She might be busy with her own family so there's a very less chance she would want to talk or even meet a person who made her life miserable however long ago. I know I would never ever want to meet any of my school bullies, even if they turned out to be model citizens now. If someone were to apologize to me, i would probably say 'It's okay, it's been a long time' to stop that awkward conversation but I wouldn't really forgive them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know each person is different and your ex roommate might be a forgiving person but even then, it would be difficult for you guys to try and start any kind of friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T11:15:02.653" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-02-01T11:56:35.930" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The thing is, I myself would be completely averse to giving people my &lt;strong&gt;home&lt;/strong&gt; phone number. Your bad experience as a public official was probably due to the fact that all kinds of people were calling you with complaints or something. But again, if the problem was that random people were calling you, then it doesn't matter which phone number is &quot;out in the wild&quot;. Home phone is even worse, because depending on the model it usually doesn't show you who's calling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact is, your position really runs counter to the social norms, and any such situation will cause tension. That's the nature of every position that is against the grain of how everyone else is doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution for both giving someone a mobile number and avoiding unwanted calls is to actually have a mobile number and give it to people &lt;strong&gt;BUT&lt;/strong&gt; to set the phone up in such a way that it's mostly in &quot;do not disturb&quot; mode. I'm not sure if it's available in all flavors of Android, but on my phone (Sony), I can set up either one rule for all or several days of the week, or several rules that are different for different days of the week. My rules are set up for the time from 10 p.m. to 7 a.m., but you can set them up for 00:01 a.m. to 11:59 p.m.—basically, notifications can be off &lt;em&gt;all the time&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;except&lt;/strong&gt; for starred contacts. You can star only members of your family, and thus only calls from them will go through. Other calls will still show up in your call log, but the phone will not &lt;em&gt;ring&lt;/em&gt;. (I'm pretty sure a similar solution also exists for the iPhone—turning off notifications for everyone except for starred or &quot;favorite&quot; contacts.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, basically, you can give people your number, and at the same time tell them, &quot;I often forget my phone in my bag, or leave it on vibrate and don't feel it, so it's really best not to call but to email me. And I don't use messengers–I don't like them.&quot; People might try to call you a couple of times, but then when they see that you never pick up, they'll just give up and email you (which is what you want).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm often in touch with public officials. Most of them have two phone numbers, and they differentiate to whom they give one number but not the other. I know a person who has changed his phone number three times in the time that I've known him. Anyways, even if you started giving out your number to different people, it's usually a long time before the number gets out into the wild and you start to get unwanted calls. Then, if it really becomes a problem, you can change your phone number, because in reality you only have several people to whom you need to convey that you've got a new number—only your family. [Some people really have a much longer list of those to whom they need to communicate the change, but they do it anyway; your situation is much simpler—change the number, notify only your next of kin. Everyone else will be left in the position of not being able to call you. And you might never meet these people again.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12025" LastEditorUserId="12025" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T12:03:35.800" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T12:03:35.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-01T12:50:22.187" Score="4" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Debase yourself! Honestly and sincerely, but with humor.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say everything about yourself that she has, by virtue of your hurtful behavior,  every right to say about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your own choice of words, of course, but if it were me, I'd start with email or text, because it won't veer off course like a live conversation, so you can say what needs to be said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, it's Amadé, that insufferable idiot you used to know. The ungrateful jerk that never once thanked you for your care when I was sick. That selfish moron that did not deserve the kindness you showed to me. I know what I was, I feel shame for my thoughtless behaviors, and if I could speak to you I would like to tell you I am sorry. Not for such easy forgiveness, I won't ask for that and you have every right to withhold it. But if you do have one last kindness left for me, it would be to let me admit my guilt to the person I wronged. I have no other motive and I am sincere, I'd like your permission to call and apologize.&lt;br&gt;Amadé. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like that. For one, it doesn't blindside her, a call out of the blue she is not prepared to answer. In fact, any forgiveness achieved by such a call is likely false, a reflexive response of a kind person to &quot;sorry&quot;, that upon reflection they realize they don't mean. Forgiveness should not be so easily won!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry I tripped you on the stairs, twenty years ago, and you broke your arm.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Oh it's okay.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;Wait a minute, that's not okay at all. &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; didn't break my arm, &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; broke my arm, and laughed at me when you did it. What the hell am I saying?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let her know the context of the phone call before you make it, and if she does not give you permission to call, don't do it. Forgiveness is not something we deserve, it is a gift that can only be given by the person wronged, and we should not resent them if they do not give us a gift we do not deserve. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no such thing as forgiving yourself for something you did to another person, that is theft of a gift they did not wish to give, and just another transgression against them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes we just have to live with the psychic scars of the fact that we hurt somebody else. Our only consolation is to try to have lived our lives having done more good than evil, given more help than harm, and more hope than hate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say about yourself what she has the right to say about you, at least she knows it was said and you accept it. Don't quibble about it or diminish it with excuses or caveats or redirection of blame. Present it as an unqualified wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T12:50:22.187" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-01T13:09:17.467" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well done on coming to the realisation that your previous behaviour was wrong. It speaks well for you that you want to make amends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of things for you to think about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She most probably hasn't thought of you in years, but it is just possible that her experience of you changed the way she interacted with other people in her life. She might not be happy about that and she might unload a world of recrimination on you. How would you feel in that situation?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Words are cheap, what might you do to show that your regret is sincere? You already mentioned karma, is there anything in your life you can point to which demonstrates the works and deeds you have carried out to build &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; karma? If there isn't, can you tell her what you are going to do going forward? Can you commit to volunteering with a charity like &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.bbbsi.org/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Big Brothers Big Sisters&lt;/a&gt; or something similar?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, what can you do to prove to her that this isn't just about making you feel better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T14:32:46.613" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T14:32:46.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9780" CreationDate="2018-02-01T13:21:34.510" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Supposingly the landlord does not allow rats as pets, how to tell her to permanently remove all her rats, without resulting in conflict and her being kicked out?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't. Period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To her, the rats are not just rats, they're her pets. Quite possibly, she values them more than she values her friendship with you. You can ask her to get rid of them, but she'll either refuse, or do it under pressure and hate you for the rest of the short time she'll be willing to remain your roommate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's had them for three months now without problems, and you're turning it into a problem, and possibly threatening to rat her out to the landlord. You're going to come across as the antagonist in this situation to her, as somebody who wants to take her pets away. It doesn't matter how attached she is to the rats, you agreed with her that she can keep them in her room, and now you want her to get rid of them anyway, but &quot;without conflict&quot;. That's just not going to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want her to remain your roommate &lt;strong&gt;without conflict&lt;/strong&gt;, you'll need to find a way to live with the rats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tip:&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;Pet rats are not scary. They don't carry diseases, you are very unlikely to get sick from them walking around in your house. Ask your roommate for the proper way to handle them and you'll not only be better friends, you might get over your irrational disgust of pet rats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4666" LastEditorUserId="4666" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T14:18:33.477" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T14:18:33.477" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-01T13:24:48.077" Score="13" Body="&lt;h3&gt; Forgive yourself first.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From reading your comments, it sounds like you are wanting her forgiveness so you can be at peace. But this ignores the fact that you are the one in control of your life, and it is not her resentment that is holding you back right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to first, forgive yourself. Whatever you did, you need to learn to be at peace with yourself - it happened, it wasn't excusable, but it also was in the past. You need to be in a mindset to deal with the current version of you, and accept that you perhaps weren't a great person before - but that doesn't stop you from being a good person now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've forgiven yourself and have gained the &quot;peace&quot; that you're asking for - you can deal with the situation and help her address the past as well. Before this, asking for an apology is selfish - you are asking her to solve your problem, and remove your guilt for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, you are responsible for your own happiness. It's up to you to forgive yourself, not her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Apologise sincerely to help her&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have managed to become at peace with what you did (that may take just hours, but could take months), and fully forgiven yourself. You can now focus on whether or not you want to apologise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing with this apology is that it is to help her reduce her resentment if she has any, and help her move on with her life. Whether she accepts it or not should have no bearing on your happiness - it is a selfless act to help her and nothing else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do then choose to apologise, I suggest writing it as a one-off letter that doesn't expect any response. Expect that this is fire-and-forget, and it will help to write down everything you feel she should know and what you want to tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on things such as; noting that you know how you acted was wrong, that you are sorry for having been like that and any harm it caused her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Importantly though; &lt;strong&gt;do not take responsibility for her unhappiness&lt;/strong&gt; - as much as you are responsible for forgiving yourself, she is responsible for moving on from this. Your letter is not to accept her burden as your own, as if that will somehow make your lives better - it is just to help give her closure on this, and nothing else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, writing the apology may or may not be needed. I think it's important you evaluate whether what you're going to write will actually help her or just bring up unwanted feelings. But in either case, the apology should have nothing to do with your feelings - you need to solve those first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10883" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T13:24:48.077" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-01T13:35:27.853" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well done for taking the step to make amends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you really want to apologise? It is an question you need to ask yourself and answer honestly because your question is very 'me-centric', there is not a lot in there about her life being a misery or causing her pain or distress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I need to apologize&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;get her forgiveness&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Karma got back to me&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you need to apologise with the view of making her feel better instead getting her forgiveness. &#xA;As for forgiveness, she can forgive you all she wants but ultimately it comes down to you forgiving yourself, the only way you can truly forgive yourself is by doing it entirely for her benefit.&#xA;Treat it like a recovering alcoholic making apologies to those that he/she hurt in the past, this is not about you, this is about her and regardless of whether she forgive you or not, if you do it selflessly it makes forgiving yourself a lot easier.&#xA;Be selfless and be prepared to suck up everything she throws at you or, possibly even worse, you may not even register, you could have been forgotten as an idiot she once knew. This whole incident may be massive and all-consuming to you and not even a blip in her memory.&#xA;Ultimately forgive yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4043" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T13:35:27.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9930" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-01T14:18:24.257" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Getting in contact with people from the past is not my strong suit, see other answers about that, but when you get to the apology say something along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There's no excuse for how I behaved. I was a shitty person towards you. I'm terribly sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say that you're sorry, but don't ask her forgiveness. Asking her forgiveness is to ask her to do something for you and that's selfish. I think her forgiveness will be more sincere if your apology is selfless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the only person's forgiveness you really need is your own. Twenty years ago you were younger and more stupid and a different person from who you are today. Recognizing this fact is key to getting over most of the past's shames.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8902" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T21:45:53.800" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T21:45:53.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9909" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:00:14.137" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're in the USA, where most of the country only knows English (and thus have never experienced the reverse situation), there probably isn't a lot you can do. For Monolingual English speakers in the US, their main experience with people who don't use the language very well has been with people who are either mentally challenged, from a non-favored dialect area, or just downright dumb.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an Engineer I work with a relatively high amount of people whose native language isn't English, and I've caught &lt;em&gt;myself&lt;/em&gt; doing this many times, usually when I get to know someone well enough that I'm forced to revise my estimate of them way upward. (There are some dumb engineers too though!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really the only sure-fire thing you can do is to be your smart self, and &lt;em&gt;eventually&lt;/em&gt; people who deal with you regularly will figure it out. There isn't a lot you can do about that first impression though, other than keep working to improve your pronunciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My &lt;em&gt;guess&lt;/em&gt; is that in England it isn't quite as bad, as more people there probably have the experience of trying to express themselves in a second language, and in dealing with people whose native language isn't English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T15:00:14.137" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9932" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9936" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:01:38.310" Score="97" ViewCount="26512" Body="&lt;p&gt;A while ago, I went through a phase. I gained weight, lots of it. I'm not proud of what I had become. Recently (the last four months) I have been going to the gym regularly, losing weight and getting myself back into shape. I have made some serious progress. I have almost lost enough weight to get back down to where I used to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, my friends have noticed my changes and have started up with a constant running &quot;joke&quot; that I really don't find that funny, at all:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey look [my name] McFatty is losing fat to impress the ladies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And other various comments along those lines. I asked them to stop, but they just continue on with the mockery. It's getting on my last nerves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not trying to impress any ladies at all; I just want to lose weight so I don't have to take off my shirt and look down at myself and feel shame every time. I generally tend not to be a very self-conscious person. But when it comes to comments about my body, it's very hard to not feel at least a little bit of something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am kind of getting the impression that my friends are jealous, but there is no way to be sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely make them stop, but keep them as my friends? (They are awesome guys, and I would rather not lose their friendship over such a minor thing.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10634" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T04:59:08.470" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T19:10:10.620" Title="How to deal with (male) friends mocking me about my weight choices" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9933" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:09:07.407" Score="15" ViewCount="5726" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm currently attending a five-year school about Business and Media Design. I'm in my 4th year and I'm 17 years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the last half year my classmates have become very annoying for me. Today it reached a peak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have a very small classroom with 4 rows and 6 seats per row (4 in the 4th row) and we are 21 people. I always sat in 2nd row and it was completely fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, two of my class complained about their seats. One sits in first row and has problems with her neck because of staring up to the board, although she has chosen this seat on her own. Another one sits in the last row and wants to sit more in the front.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A classmate of mine made 10 different seat plans, in 7 of them I would sit in the corner in the last row. One of them was chosen to be our new plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to talk to my classmates that I really don't want to sit there.&#xA;My reasons are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to have good grades and I can't concentrate in the back row because people are so loud all the time and the teachers kind of ignore you there&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I already sat there most of the time last year&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't sit next to people I can talk to very much, my seatmate only spends 25% of the courses with me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to change seat every break&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm all alone there, I'm already a class-outsider&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate with them, that this seat is really not possible for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. I'm from Austria&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://prntscr.com/i8rark&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://prntscr.com/i8rark&lt;/a&gt; (here are the two seating plans if anyone needs them - L.O is the girl with the bad eyesight)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE:&#xA;The problem came up on Thursday. The classmate, who made the different seating plans complained to the class teacher. She looked at all the different versions and told the class that most of the time the same people sit in the back row (me, S.P, T.K) and we already sat there last year. &#xA;Then two of my class volunteered to sit in the backrow and the third back-row-person was drawn by lot. &#xA;I don't know if I was right or if I overexaggerated but the teacher helped me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4263" LastEditorUserId="4263" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T14:51:24.193" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T15:19:29.080" Title="How to tell my classmates that I don't want to sit in the back row" Tags="&lt;school&gt;&lt;austria&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:10:15.197" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Look them straight in the eyes. Don't laugh, even when they may make grimaces. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey guys, I may have never said this explicitly, but those jokes really hurt. It is not easy for me to lose weight, this is a hard fight and I would appreciate if you could support me instead of making fun of me - because that is what this currently feels like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pause. Wait for them to apologize. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you very much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Change the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now where were we?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anyone seen the soccer game last Saturday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they skip the apology be sure to think long and hard about whether those are really your friends or whether they belong to a time that you are trying to leave behind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="372" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T15:15:06.987" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T15:15:06.987" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:10:35.693" Score="78" Body="&lt;p&gt;Teasing of all kinds takes place, especially at a younger age, and it sounds to me like you guys are teenagers. People tend to grow out of it, but you'd be wrong to think that it doesn't happen in other shapes or forms later in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could certainly continue to ask people to stop, and they very well may, although there's a good chance they won't. You could also just stop hanging out with them, and find new friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice, however, is that you learn to roll with it instead.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey look McFatty is losing fat to impress the ladies! &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, I'm fat, I can diet. You're ugly, what are you gonna do? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;OR&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, just you wait. The ladies are going to be lining up to date me. What are you guys gonna be doing then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most teasing happens because they find it funny how you get upset about it. If you learn to divorce yourself from their comments, you'll become a stronger person for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day you're building good habits, discipline, getting fit, and will benefit from this experience later in life. Their jokes can only hurt you if you let them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you start getting more fit as a consequence of your choices, you could offer to train your friends as well, which will lessen the jealousy they may be feeling right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T15:13:41.033" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T15:13:41.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:17:16.457" Score="129" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Be clear and unassuming but very gradually escalate your responses.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, explain in clear and certain terms why you're doing what you're doing, and how what they're doing makes you feel.  Don't hold back, but don't be rude or insulting - focus on your feelings and don't try to presume their intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look - I really hate the weight that I've gained.  It makes me feel really bad about myself, so I'm trying to lose it, and when you're teasing me about it, it makes me feel bad about myself all over again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they haven't realized how damaging their actions are by this point, try shifting the topic from your feelings to their actions, but ask questions, don't level accusations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why are you saying this, anyways?  What's funny about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continue to make hurtful comments, they haven't apologized, and they're clearly just doing it because they think it's funny...you genuinely might have to escalate a little, to get a little rude.  It's okay when this happens occasionally between friends, that isn't necessarily indicative that the friendship is in danger - many friendships have their rough patches!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dude, if you're going to intentionally hurt me because you think it's funny, that doesn't speak well for how you think of me.  This is a pretty messed-up thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If both clarity and a little rudeness doesn't get across that they're actually hurting you...then I'd start expressing anger.  Maybe that's not the best advice for everyone, but a stern and direct stare coupled with a bark of &quot;F-ing stop!&quot; would be my last resort before I'd abandon the situation as unsolvable, and decide to either avoid the situation - that is to say, avoid the friends - or acknowledge that this pain might just need to be part of being around these people ... at least until they find something else to focus on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T15:17:16.457" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9933" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:18:06.917" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The biggest challenge people face is knowing when to be assertive and when not to.  In this case, being assertive definitely would be a good thing here.  Obviously sitting in front is more beneficial to you than sitting in the back - in the US, that's generally where the people who want the least out of the class sit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to chat directly with the person doing all these seating charts and explain your reasoning.  Simply say &quot;I do not want to sit in the back row; I am interested in the class and feel that I do not belong in the back row with people who are not interested.&quot;  Be clear and direct but also committed - let your body language show confidence that the situation will be resolved in a way that works for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not compare yourself to others.  Also, I'd leave out the part of being an outsider.  Whatever the reason for being an outsider is, don't tell the person that you are or you will most definitely not get what you want.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit in response to comment from OP:  a &quot;democratic election&quot; that you didn't take part in is no democratic election.  Here's a time to be more assertive.  First of all, revisit this and explain that it may have been an election but you are not willing to accept the result.  You may be seen as &quot;bitchy&quot; or &quot;difficult&quot; but this is high school and you won't see these people in a couple months anyway.  You want, no... need, a seat closer to the front and expect that to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are not going to bend, then take matters into your own hands.  Arrive at class earlier, if possible.  Select the seat you want.  When someone arrives and says &quot;you're in my seat&quot;, merely state that you are moving, you do not like the seat you have been assigned, and are not going anywhere.  They're welcome to take the seat you had at the back of the room if they want, or there are plenty of other open seats.  And leave it at that.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T15:27:59.400" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T15:27:59.400" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9933" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:23:05.397" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm no personal coach or professional, but I've had my personal share of experience and watched a lot of therapy videos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure not to sit in the back. Don't be victim of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;manipulation&lt;/a&gt;, although still possibly being done inadvertently and non-maliciously by that person as some people do that naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trait that is causing you this is lack of assertiveness. People in life will walk all over you because of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disagree with this plan until the end, until it matches something you want. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Escalate to your professor which is the true source of authority, and explain him the problem that you can't sit further because it will harm your learning process. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I think fair seating arrangement shouldn't be decided by a &quot;democratic vote&quot;, democratic votes are used to fairly elect leaders. Fair seating arrangement should be based on student's eyesight or learning capacities, or basic first come first served. And you had the desk first.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What this classmate is trying to do is a phony democratic vote but in fact is manipulative behavior, it's attempting to take advantage of your lack of assertiveness and excess of good will so the manipulator can have it his way and guilt you into accepting his way is better than yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your reaction should be to disagree with his plan until the end, and work with the professor to get what is good for &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; and your learning process. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE, I would like to expand on when is the right time to use a democratic vote, and when it's not.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per the following question on the Politics Stack Exchange (the question was asked by me) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://politics.stackexchange.com/questions/27717/when-is-a-democratic-vote-actually-the-wrong-tool&quot;&gt;When is a democratic vote actually the wrong tool?&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following comment from 50k+ reputation &lt;a href=&quot;https://politics.stackexchange.com/questions/27717/when-is-a-democratic-vote-actually-the-wrong-tool#comment102442_27717&quot;&gt;user4012&lt;/a&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;the democratic vote in the classroom would benefit the more&#xA;  politically inclined person that can affect people's opinio&quot; - that is&#xA;  a problem with any political system but in general with democratic&#xA;  systems of any sort in any circumstances. Well-arguing individuals&#xA;  have unfairly large sway over outcomes in any democratic system.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And from this following &lt;a href=&quot;https://politics.stackexchange.com/a/27719/6581&quot;&gt;upvoted&lt;/a&gt; answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Democracy is not a good way to administer justice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is clear that a democratic vote was not the right choice to make the fair decision on that topic, plus you had this seat first. Your professor might not realize that if he is not knowledgeable in those things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you said your professor has not helped you keep your place, and is siding with the nonsense democratic vote. So as the next step, I would suggest an &lt;strong&gt;escalation&lt;/strong&gt; to the next level of authority, which would be the director. You can explain it that you feel you don't belong to the last row and that will hurt your ability to learn well in this class. And that you had the desk first, and a democratic vote on this is absurd. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that still doesn't work, then &lt;strong&gt;escalate further&lt;/strong&gt; to your your parents to jump in with you, schedule a meeting with the director altogether to discuss this nonsense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this should work to have your voice heard. Escalation is required when unfairness happens, don't apologize for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if none of those things work, let it go. But you'll be ready for next time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would be very interested to hear what happens. Keep us posted please. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2809" LastEditorUserId="2809" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T15:19:29.080" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T15:19:29.080" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9939" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:25:28.057" Score="33" ViewCount="6798" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work at an office where I'm the only vegan in the company and a I choose to eat a lot healthier than most people in the company.&#xA;People find it necessary to make comments about my lifestyle choice. Every time someone brings in food to the office or the boss buys a company lunch there are comments made on how the food is not vegan so I can't have it and stuff like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This morning we had a meeting and the boss made a comment on bringing a beef stew for lunch followed up by &quot;sorry, [my name] it's not vegan&quot; and everyone laughed. I talked back and jokingly said that I don't understand why they are always picking on my diet because I never criticize everyone else's diet. I even often bring my own food to the company lunches because thy company doesn't always accommodate my needs, which is fine but can make me feel left out at times. The boss's wife is vegan and he's not allowed to eat those other foods at home so I would think that he would be more understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am also a certified chef &amp;amp; baker and I have a cooking business on the side so I often bring dessert samples to the office, which they happily eat and praise despite the fact that my food is vegan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is getting irritating and frustrating and I don't want to come across as rude and argue back every time a comment is being made. I don't think it's a huge deal but I don't think anyone is aware of how they are offending me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I best deal with the constant commenting or make people know that I don't appreciate it and it's upsetting me?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastActivityDate="2019-05-21T17:19:22.950" Title="How to deal with coworkers making comments on my dietary/lifestyle choices" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9939" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:32:35.797" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It might not be a huge deal now but it will be in the future if their behavior continues like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My understanding is that since your initial response was relatively joking, they understood that as you joking.  They did not see how much of an issue it really was for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to the boss and relevant people one on one.  It helps them take you more seriously and prevents the issues that come up when dealing with people in a group.  There may definitely be a fear on sensitivity, but if coworkers and bosses are smart, they will factor in a co-worker's well being as a means for good work culture. As for hearing about bad responses in the past, unless you were there you have no idea about the context of the rest of the discussion, unless of course you were there. Thus you don't know until you try. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if he does this &lt;em&gt;repeatedly&lt;/em&gt;, then as @Kendra said it legally turns into &lt;a href=&quot;https://definitions.uslegal.com/h/harassment/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Harassment&lt;/a&gt;, the legal definition of which is here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;S 240.25 Harassment in the first degree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A person is guilty of harassment in the first degree when he or she&#xA;  intentionally and repeatedly harasses another person by following such&#xA;  person in or about a public place or places or by engaging in a course&#xA;  of conduct or by repeatedly committing acts which places such person&#xA;  in reasonable fear of physical injury. This section shall not apply to&#xA;  activities regulated by the national labor relations act, as amended,&#xA;  the railway labor act, as amended, or the federal employment labor&#xA;  management act, as amended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Harassment in the first degree is a class B misdemeanor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this is contingent on which state within the United States you work in, since &lt;a href=&quot;http://criminal.findlaw.com/criminal-charges/harassment.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;harassment laws differ from state to state&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another comment you mentioned seemed like there is a toxic culture problem permeating the company, which is an issue to address entirely different from the question posed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11821" LastEditorUserId="11821" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T17:46:22.320" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T17:46:22.320" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9909" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:34:00.190" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stacey &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/9913/2637&quot;&gt;writes&lt;/a&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They probably can tell from your accent that you're not first-language English.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe not (I've seen that mistake get made many times).  They're especially unlikely to figure this out if they have met many people who are uneducated or mentally challenged, and very few who are very smart/maybe experts in other languages, but still not good in English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if they can tell English is a second language, it doesn't mean they have any empathy or idea of what it means to be smart and expert in another language if you can't express yourself well in English.  This is more likely if they haven't traveled to places where non-English languages are common. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such ignorance is especially common in the US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An effective strategy I've seen is a line like, &quot;Sorry, I am an expert in &amp;lt; other language(s) &gt; but still learning English.&quot;  This may be after someone's expressed difficulty understanding you, signaled by body language they're judging you a moron by your language, or just before you ask for something to be repeated more slowly or in different terms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another effective strategy I've seen is demonstrating competence by raising awareness of something specific you've previously accomplished, which is and is likely to be perceived as quite difficult.  This doesn't work in all situations, particularly with strangers whom you are likely to only briefly interact with, but it can help with folks you plan to be interacting with for a longer time (e.g. co-workers).  It can be included at a time when you're asking for help so it's more humble instead of bragging, but still conveying the information. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastEditorUserId="2637" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T15:39:50.500" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T15:39:50.500" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:35:08.760" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being 'awesome guys' is not the same as being awesome friends. I trust that you mean they are &lt;em&gt;decent&lt;/em&gt; people and that they do prove themselves good friends to you. Don't try to hang on to their friendship just because &lt;em&gt;other people&lt;/em&gt; think they are 'awesome'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're convinced they are good friends then there must be an explanation for their behaviour. Some guys are not very good at expressing feelings and try to address subjects in very unusual ways. They suggest you are doing this to impress girls (and so what if you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt;? You're 17, it happens!) and I'm wondering if perhaps they just want to raise the subject of girls? Perhaps they want to talk about girls and just don't know how to raise it? Or they just want to raise the subject so often they make everything about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are also right, they might be jealous. Jealousy is not a good trait but we can all succumb to it. They may be insecure about themselves, and again it might connected to 'girls' as they raise that subject. Perhaps they think you'll get all the girls now you've buffed up!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really are decent friends then they should understand and respect a simple statement like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Guys, I'm trying to lose weight because I don't want to be overweight.&#xA;  Please don't make fun of me for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't respect that then perhaps you need better friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the best on your weight loss journey!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T15:35:08.760" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9939" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:41:44.730" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is sort of funny, because I literally just replied with more or less the same thing not ten minutes ago on &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9932/how-to-deal-with-male-friends-mocking-me-about-my-life-choices&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;this question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason they joke around with you is because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They may be feeling a little guilty about their own, unhealthier, choices, and resent you for it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your choices simply mark you as &quot;different&quot;, which people are psychologically wired to mistrust at a very instinctual level. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They like to rile you up because you react to it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to learn to roll with the punches, such that it's no longer fun for them to comment on your food. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; Sorry, my soup is not vegan! &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; No worries, can't expect &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; to know what's good! (and laugh it up)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or when you bring delicious baked goods in, and the guy grabbing one is one of the people who teased you, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Careful, it's vegan! It might be good for ya! &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;OR&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Careful, the main ingredient is dirt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as people realize that you take it all in stride, you don't act as if your choices make you better than them, and more importantly, you're not an easy target, they'll move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T15:41:44.730" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9933" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:44:18.400" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Rolling plan:&lt;/strong&gt; One simple &quot;democratic&quot; solution we had in high school was &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;rolling&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; the seating plan forward by one row every week so if you start the first week of a month in the last (4th) row, you will go to the third row next Monday, 2nd row in the 3rd week and finish the month in the first row before going back to 4th and repeat the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could strongly suggest to your classmates that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; they want you to sit at the back against your wishes then a 'rolling'  seating plan is the only fair option. As in,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;either give me a permanent seat in the first 2 rows &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; we must have a rolling seating plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How does it work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many students tend to dislike a rolling seating plan and they prefer fixed seating. I think they will allow you to sit where you like purely to avoid the rolling plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do agree to the rolling seating arrangement then everyone will get to sit in every row one week per month, and nobody including yourself can complain about such a fair arrangement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Modified rolling plans can also be devised. You could leave the girl with poor eyesight in the first row and work out a rolling arrangement for the remaining students. That can be done even with 2 less seats in the last row. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Minimal disturbance plan&lt;/strong&gt;: if most of the students want to avoid a rolling plan then you can use this least disruptive method which interchanges only 2 students at a time, one of whom is yourself, giving you nearly 50% time in the front row. You are forced to sit in the last row against your wishes, so you are entitled to sit in the first row for at least 2 weeks every month. Somebody from the first row must exchange seats with you for 2 weeks a month. There are 5 of them (excluding the girl with poor eyesight) so each of them will have to do this &lt;em&gt;only once in 5 months!&lt;/em&gt; That seats you in the front row for 2 weeks every month and in the last row for the rest of that month, which is a minimally disruptive and quite reasonable compromise solution compared to sitting all the time in the last row.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 3: all last row students must be allowed to sit in the first row for half the month.&lt;/strong&gt; What you are stressing here is that they cannot force you to sit in the worst seat from educational point of view unless they allow you to periodically sit in better seats for substantial periods. That might help your classmates understand that it is unfair to expect you to sit in the last row against your wishes all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they refuse to consider any of these options then you need to complain to the faculty in order to secure your right to good and equitable educational conditions. Make sure the teacher in charge of your class gives you a good solution. Or else escalate to management! But I am confident that one of the earlier steps will solve your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T00:11:39.150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T00:11:39.150" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9887" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:53:19.557" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like this would work better as a comment, but apparently I lack the appropriate amount of reputation to do that. I will try to provide a brief summary of the video, in the event the video is removed. The video is brief, about 3 minutes, and conveys a lot of helpful information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;Brene Brown on Empathy&quot;&gt;Brene Brown on Empathy&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Important points from the videos:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Empathy is not sympathy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Empathy drives connection, sympathy drives disconnection&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Four qualities of empathy requires: perspective taking, staying out of judgement, recognizing emotion in other people, and communicating.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to experience empathy, you must connect with something inside yourself that knows that feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rarely, if ever, does an empathetic response begin with &amp;quot;At least&amp;quot;. &amp;quot;At least&amp;quot; is a way of trying to put a silver lining on something and rarely demonstrates true empathy, as you can see in these examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;I had a miscarriage.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;At least you know you can get pregnant.&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;My marriage is falling apart.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;At least you have a marriage.&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People try to do this in very difficult conversations, because we want to make things better, but as the video says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I share something with you that's very difficult, I'd rather you say &amp;quot;I don't even know what to say. I'm just so glad you told me.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because the truth is, rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR You should be trying to make a connection and not trying to &amp;quot;make something better&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12252" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T16:53:50.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9909" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:59:35.387" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say, &quot;I think I understand your concern, but I want to be sure it is not being lost based on my ability to translate.&quot;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This right away sets a tone - the other person has less ability/ skill translating or they'd be speaking your language.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It shows you are self-aware and cuts through the association that forms between a persons ability to speak and our brain attempting to thin-slice their intelligence.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is disrespectful after that, it is probably not related to your native language - they are probably going to be that way no matter what.  My two cents. Cheers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12256" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T15:59:35.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9947" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9939" CreationDate="2018-02-01T15:59:42.740" Score="18" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in a very similar situation for most of my life. I am on the autism spectrum, and because of that I have sensory issues that cause me to only eat a very limited number of foods. For most of my life I've gotten jokes and comments about my diet, and I've gotten pretty good at stopping them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How I do it&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing that I've found the most helpful, particularly in a group setting such as an office, is to have another person &quot;on your side&quot;. I worked on one team where there was a manager who made several comments about my diet. I talked with one of my team leads and told her about how the manager's comments made me uncomfortable. Having her understand and be able to back me up made it much easier for me to speak up when the comments were made. Additionally, with her knowing how the comments affected me, she was able to speak up when the comments were made while I wasn't there. Ultimately, the comments stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to find someone that you can explain yourself to and get them on the same page as you. Since your boss's wife is vegan, and he is supposed to set the example in the office, I would recommend him. A good model to follow is the model for constructive feedback of &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.erikbohlin.net/handouts/Constructive_Feedback.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;when you..., i feel..., because...&quot;&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You start by pointing out an action that someone takes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you make jokes about how the food isn't vegan&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you explain how that action causes you to feel&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel unnecessarily singled out&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finish with an explanation of why you feel that way&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because you call out my dietary restrictions, despite the fact that I'm willing to provide my own food&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is quite likely, as you mentioned, that they don't realize that what they are saying bothers you. If you can convince one person to stop joking about your diet, then others might notice this and stop on their own. If the others don't then you can begin talking to them individually and having similar conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Don't laugh it off&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend that you stop going along with their jokes because in my experience, laughing along has been counter productive. When others made comments and jokes about my diet, I used to laugh it off even though it bothered me. When I laughed with them, they would feel empowered to continue joking about it. I finally got them to stop when I took the time to explain why I eat what I do, and why I didn't like all of the jokes about it. After my explanation, the jokes stopped coming and several people apologized and told me they never realized how much what they had said bothered me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-20T22:43:11.663" LastActivityDate="2019-05-20T22:43:11.663" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9949" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9933" CreationDate="2018-02-01T16:05:00.683" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there really is no way to get the class to agree, then you will have to do random seating. You can even re-roll the seating arrangement once a month so that no one is stuck in a bad seat for too long. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Method:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Put all classmates names in a hat; but exclude the names of students who currently sit in the last row. Draw 4 names, and those students sit in the last row this month. Now make sure all remaining names are in the hat and draw for the remaining rows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12254" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T16:05:00.683" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9951" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-02-01T18:29:09.313" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could try to &lt;strong&gt;compromise your answer somewhere in between blunt and full explanation&lt;/strong&gt;. Try to find the &lt;strong&gt;shortest way to tell the truth that will both not provide information you don't want to share and also provide little room for the other person to ask further&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend says...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is your mobile number?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you could respond with...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since I dislike mobile phones, I do not own one. When I'm out, I often&#xA;  bring one of my parents' mobiles for emergency-use only to appease&#xA;  them, but I do not have my own. I use email and my home land-line&#xA;  instead, and I'll give you both of those. My number is...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Providing all of that initially dodges multiple points of confusion that your friend may have had. It...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;conveys the point that you do not own a mobile phone to give a number out for&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;acknowledges that yes, you do have a phone with you - something important to acknowledge so that you don't appear to be hiding that fact from them&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;provides a reason why that number for that mobile phone should not be provided &lt;em&gt;before they even ask&lt;/em&gt;, so they do not have to ask &quot;What about the number for that mobile phone?&quot;, at which point your reason sounds like an excuse since it is after their question&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;makes it awkward for the other person to ask for the number to the mobile phone you have with you, since it's not yours, and they might not be comfortable with the possibility of someone else answering it&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;leaves the situation open for the friend to push for getting the &quot;family emergency number&quot;, something which I would view as rude of them to do but I know some people would do it anyway; you said that, though this is not preferable, you are willing to do this, so you could respond with &quot;Ok, but do not be surprised if I am not the one who answers when you call&quot; - now they know to have low expectations for your availability on that one&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;makes it known that you do still want to be available, and provides the information for that before you give them time to ask any questions or make any comments&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, you said you like face-to-face communication instead. If you want to do more of &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; with the friend as well, you could also mention something about being open to get together, in whatever capacity is normal for your culture. Here where I am, for example, I might add &quot;And we should hang out some time. Maybe we could have lunch together at Burger King next week.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, during all this, it is possible that the other person might interrupt you at any of the points which they are surprised by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;...don't own my own.  The one I have...&quot; &quot;(Interrupts)What do you mean you don't have your own?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;...I'll give you my email and...&quot; &quot;(Interrupts)I don't check email often. I call or text.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person provides short interjections like that, you could continue speaking where you left off. &quot;... The one I have is my parents', which I bring as an emergency phone to appease them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this would cut down a lot on the other person prying for more information for several reasons. The biggest reason is that it no longer feels like you are hiding something or refusing to cooperate. Second biggest reason is that you addressed some of the primary points already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible that some people might still pry further. For example, &quot;You dislike mobiles? Why on Earth would you dislike them?&quot; Some of this will be simply because you are having a conversation and mobile phones are currently the topic of your conversation. Some of this will be because the other person still finds your situation surprising or wants to convince you that you should make yourself more available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to think of a short response that you can give that is true, easy to believe and difficult for someone else to argue with. For example, something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just dislike using them, so I trashed mine and refuse to have one of&#xA;  my own. That is my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this type of response is likely to cut out the vast majority of further requests. It is true, difficult to argue with - how do you argue with &quot;I just dislike them. That is my opinion&quot;? -, and since you specify that it is an opinion a further explanation does not even need to exist let alone be given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyone who continues prying further into your reasons now will probably do so no matter what responses you provided. These kind of people you simply cannot appease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that it is rude to be blunt without further explanation, and that you want to avoid the further explanation. &lt;strong&gt;Sometimes, &quot;This is just my opinion&quot; is all the explanation there is.&lt;/strong&gt; Literally. &quot;I like green more than orange&quot; is an opinion, and it &lt;em&gt;literally has no further explanation available&lt;/em&gt; since &lt;em&gt;I just do&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have further explanation possible, but opinions can be held for no reason at all.  So you could use that as your crutch here for anyone who tries to press you for further questioning. You can use &quot;That is just my opinion.&quot; and &quot;I just dislike using them.&quot; multiple times. And you can refer back to things you have already said instead of trying to think up new things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: You really don't have one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Yes, I really dislike them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: But they are so useful. How can you keep yourself cut off?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: It's just my opinion, that's just my preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Couldn't you at least get one for our sake, so we can keep in touch?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I just really dislike them. But I do email, and I am willing to use my home phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That will probably work for most questions and comments at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then all you have to deal with is the odd question that really cannot be answered this way, such as &quot;I understand that is your opinion, you already said that. But I don't check email often. And what do I do if I need to call you while you're out?&quot; For those few stubborn people that refuse to take no for an answer, you need to decide ahead of time if you are willing &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt; to go into more details or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are willing to divulge more to insistent people like this who demand more of you, then just do so: &quot;I work at home, so I am available at the home phone a lot. It should not be a problem.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not willing, then at that point you are out of options and need a clever way to give up. Whatever you do at this point is the same thing that you would do to give up in any conversation, so it's not specific to your case. Something like &quot;I don't know what else to say. I am sorry that I cannot oblige you, but this is the way it is.&quot; Even for the stubborn people who demand more of you, this is the end of the line. There really &lt;em&gt;is nothing else&lt;/em&gt; for you to say at this point. If you get to this point and it feels awkward, that's because &lt;em&gt;it is awkward&lt;/em&gt;, but it is no longer you who is making it awkward. The other person might disagree with that, thinking that you are the stubborn one, but again, &lt;em&gt;there is nothing you can do about that&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Secondary Idea (Costs money)&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Alternatively, get a mobile phone that you &lt;em&gt;do not intend to use&lt;/em&gt;. You get everything you want, except that you have a phone bill now. Consider it the cost to solve your problem.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Figure out the cheapest cost of a mobile phone, then think of that as the amount of money it costs to avoid answering deeper phone-related questions. Decide if that is worth it for you. If not, refer to the main idea above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not mind wasting the money, you can pay for mobile phone service and &lt;strong&gt;leave it at home&lt;/strong&gt;. It is only there to appease people. &lt;strong&gt;Ignore it, and do not bring it with you&lt;/strong&gt;. If you give out its number, make sure you tell people that you often forget the phone at home and miss a lot of calls. Tell them that, as funny as it may sound, you are actually available more often via email or your home phone, and offer to give that too. If people mention their calls to you that you have missed, just keep saying that you forget the mobile phone all the time and that they should use email or the home phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even answer the mobile phone occasionally &lt;em&gt;while you are at home&lt;/em&gt;. At that point, why not? It is not much different than talking on the home phone if you are at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you could be honest and say &quot;I don't like mobile phones, so I forget mine a lot. I like seeing my friends, but since I dislike the phone I just cannot make myself remember to bring it with me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might get mentioned a lot. It might even become a theme in your life, people talking about your forgetfulness whenever they see you, maybe even multiple times in one day. But you can just keep repeating the same thing again and again, every time. If you want them to start using email or your home phone number, then each time they bring it up you could respond with &quot;Try my email or home phone. I'm not always available their either, but I do answer that more often.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way might be easier than my original suggestions, as there is less for your friend to ask about, less for them to be confused about, and less for them to feel like you are withholding something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3245" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T18:29:09.313" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9952" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-01T18:32:26.790" Score="4" ViewCount="394" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; I have a particular friend with whom I was in the same school and class for primary and high schools. So we know each other since like childhood. We are not closest friends but used to meet four times or so in a month until last two years. No apparent reason for not meeting anymore as far as I know. I guess it's merely because we are more occupied with other things like our jobs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem:&lt;/strong&gt; The thing is, she texts me once or twice in a month asking how I am and how it's going, I reply and try to chat with her since nothing absurd has happened between us before these texts, but she does not reply afterwards. That would be nothing weird if this hadn't happened like five times or so. So the last two times I have offered to meet up as the first response, thinking she wants to chat but over the phone doesn't work good for her, but she postpones and I remind her and she postpones again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; How could I learn the motivation behind it when she is not texting back? Calling her and asking is the only option I see but I don't know how to put it into words in a way that projects I mean to keep in touch with her but this attitude doesn't make sense to me so I feel kind of frustrated. I mean I can't just ask why she is avoiding me while she is the one who makes contact in the first place, because it feels kind of overkill and blaming since I actually would like to keep in touch and meet her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11005" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T21:31:53.503" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T21:31:53.503" Title="How to react to a friend who contacts me after long time intervals but does not respond after I reply and keeps the attitude for multiple times" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;intention&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-02-01T18:50:36.920" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9953" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9955" CreationDate="2018-02-01T19:10:27.200" Score="85" ViewCount="28454" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;People&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Bob&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;John&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;Alice&lt;/em&gt; are old acquaintances of mine. They are a little older than me, mid-to-late twenties. We are not close friends, but we get along together well and see each other regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I needed to deliver something to someone in another town. For several reasons, I didn't want to employ a delivery service (among them: valued personalty, also personal experience). Traveling to the town myself would have cost me almost a whole day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;This was not a complicated or time-consuming task, not big, not heavy, not illegal, not immoral.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob knows the person I wanted to deliver it to, and he also happens to commute there regularly - in this case the next day, actually. The delivery would have cost him maybe additional 10 to 15 minutes. He is friendly and reliable, so I approached him about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went to Bob, asked him and offered him compensation (a treat - our inofficial currency, let's just call it &amp;quot;Chocolate&amp;quot;). Alice and John were also around. Now, Alice and John got involved. They knew how much the travel would inconvenience me and, before Bob could answer, weighed in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice noted how Bob could ask for much more and John agreed that he shouldn't sell himself short, since I was dependent on him. Alice suggested to Bob (and also to me) that I should expose my chest to him. John noted that touching was also not too much to demand, which Alice agreed to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't have taken that deal. Alice's and John's tone of voice - it was just a half joking layer over a serious core, if you know what I mean. When a cheerful tone is employed to soften the blow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob didn't say anything, but looked at me as if he was hoping for me to agree to the proposed &amp;quot;payment&amp;quot;. Alice and John were also awaiting my reaction. This made me feel uncomfortable and confirmed my suspicion about the seriousness of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I gently decline an indecent proposal on how to pay back my dues?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the resulting situation was awkward for me, I'm sure I could have handled it better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to be gentle, because Bob doing me this favor would have been the&#xA;best solution for me. I also wouldn't want the situation to become more&#xA;awkward than it already was. And Bob is essentially a good guy. So I want Bob to help me, but not at this price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Note that if he felt the deal wasn't good, I could have offered even more compensation - although my original offer was a fair deal.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;em&gt;How it actually went&lt;/em&gt;: While they were waiting for me to accept the&#xA;indecent proposal, we stood there in silence. I finally broke it by saying&#xA;that there wouldn't be much to see for him anyway. This didn't deter them and&#xA;the silence continued. Then I looked at him, said &amp;quot;Chocolate, ok?&amp;quot; and he accepted.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My friends sometimes make similar jokes about sexual favors, but no one ever actually did it (at least to my knowledge). They have never asked anything like this of me before.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;Chocolate&amp;quot; is not a code word. It's really something delicious to eat, no deeper or hidden meaning.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I said &amp;quot;At first I could have handled it better&amp;quot; because at first it seemed like just a lame joke and if they had followed up with something like &amp;quot;just kidding&amp;quot;, I wouldn't have felt that awkward. But silence ensued as if they were waiting/hoping for me to accept their suggestion. This made the situation really awkward. But your questions made me realize that maybe it was an awkward situation for me only.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;An answer doesn't necessarily have to be more assertive; it should still be gentle so as to not hurt anybody's feelings.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-07-24T18:31:19.523" Title="How do I gently reject an indecent proposal?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9939" CreationDate="2018-02-01T19:22:56.147" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why they're doing it is explained in your answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This morning we had a meeting and the boss made a comment on bringing&#xA;  a beef stew for lunch followed up by &quot;sorry, [my name] it's not vegan&quot;&#xA;  and everyone laughed. &lt;strong&gt;I talked back and jokingly&#xA;  said that I don't understand why they are always picking on my diet&#xA;  because I never criticize everyone else's diet&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're going to have a field day with this - you're defensive about your choices.  Even one of the answers suggests being snarky, which is only going to make this worse, as you've painted yourself as defensive about a &lt;em&gt;healthy&lt;/em&gt; choice (see the irony?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Twenty years ago, I used to eat a grain that was incredibly unpopular and people always asked about it.  It annoyed me, but the more I showed annoyance, the more people asked.  Finally, I started playing along with it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: Eating birdseed again [it was not actual birdseed, but it did look like it]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: Yep, stole it from the bird house outside.  Be careful going out&#xA;  there - the birds are pissed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once they realized I didn't care, they stopped teasing and in hindsight, it was no big deal.  Some people tease others they like or they're comfortable with.  I would &lt;em&gt;NEVER TEASE&lt;/em&gt; someone I hated, disliked, or felt uncomfortable with, so maybe it's a compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you're really annoyed, showing annoyance is going to make it worse.  Rather than get defensive or make a snarky remark, be humble - it removes any further joke:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: Sorry, [your name] it's not vegan&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Oh man, I'm really starting to re-think this whole thing (with a&#xA;  smile)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've stolen their thunder and rather than get defensive or snarky (which is passive-aggressive defense), you've proven that you're okay with being the end of the joke.  How hard is being joked about in the larger context of life?  It really is just a perception thing once you realize they're comfortable enough with you to have some fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11791" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T19:22:56.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9953" CreationDate="2018-02-01T19:24:01.500" Score="159" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you handled it perfectly. First, a long silence. This is the best way to indicate to someone that their joke, suggestion, comment or whatnot is over some sort of line and not ok. Second, a joke. This gives them a chance to abandon their bad idea by &quot;agreeing&quot; that it was just a joke, ha ha ha, and moving on as though it had never been said. (You don't offer this escape hatch to everyone, but these are long time friends of yours, so I think it's an ok thing to do in this case.) Third, simply repeating the original reasonable offer without even talking about what is wrong with the request they made, thus giving everyone an &quot;out&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could you improve on that handling? I'm not sure you could. Nobody involved needs a speech about why asking someone to expose themselves or submit to fondling is not cool. They all know it's not cool. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T19:24:01.500" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9956" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9939" CreationDate="2018-02-01T19:28:54.943" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a perfect world you could just get a job somewhere else where a bunch of cool people work, and that you get along with great.  I say this because life is short and you have to ask yourself how much time you want to spend with people who are, let's say &quot;not great.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could just barely respond.  Say something deadpan like &quot;far out&quot; or &quot;right on&quot; and just smile at them if they keep going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could ask them if they think the jokes are getting old.  &quot;How many miles do you all think you can get out of this your a vegan thing?&quot; &quot;Do you usually tell the same joke to the same people over and over again?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could tell them you eat meat now.  All the time.  I'm just not hungry right now.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a pain in the ass, I get it, I've been there.  They will think you're a jerk if you take it to anyone in administration.  None of them have had to deal with constantly being referred to by a single characteristic of their personality and how distracting and annoying it is, but they'll think you should just get over it.  So make them feel dumb and they'll stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12066" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T19:28:54.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9933" CreationDate="2018-02-01T19:53:15.850" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In our age it's normal that the students decide where to sit on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe I am missing something, but if your comment above is accurate, what prevents you from making your way to this class ahead of your friends and picking the best available seat? The sooner you arrive, the better chance you have of having your needs met. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your problem seems to be with reconciling a social objective with your academic objective. Why can't you do both, but just at different times of the day? Do what you need to do for that particular time of day. That means that during class, you put your academic objective first. Outside of class, you will surely have plenty of time to focus on the social. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is called compartmentalizing. It's a valuable skill to develop. It's purpose is to remove all distractions unrelated to that which requires your immediate attention. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4100" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T19:53:15.850" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9959" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9835" CreationDate="2018-02-01T20:05:01.997" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of the other answers are very goal oriented. This sort of thing never worked for me in a club atmosphere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest instead to focus on enjoying your own dancing, and enjoying yourself either with or without the friends you came with. The nature of dance floors is such that people who are enjoying themselves dance with not just their group, but with the entire dance floor. Try to be in her proximity - preferably somewhere visible to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After 10 or 15 minutes (or more, enjoy yourself!) you can try to integrate with her and her dancing friends. If they accept you, great! If not, move along, and continue to enjoy dancing. Maybe repeat it every 10 or 15 minutes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if you don't enjoy dancing for 20 or 30 minutes? I suggest that if this is the case, meeting on the dance floor isn't the right way to go about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyhoo, after a while and a bunch of drinks, her and her friends will realize that you're not creepy and somewhat respectful. And if that's what they are interested in* and you've got some decent dance moves, you should be able to meet someone nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*(some women like creeps, doesn't mean you should act that way though)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6067" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T20:05:01.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-01T20:46:07.700" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've run into similar situations both on the giving and receiving end. Here's the way I've found works best for me. When there is a natural break in the conversation say (preferably with eye contact):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, look (dude, man, [name]). I really wish you'd stop talking about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's all. It doesn't give an opening for them to pry, and it clearly and unambiguously states your desire. It's concise and shows you feel a certain way and don't want to discuss it further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you confront a friend about bad behavior it's awkward for both parties. Making that part as short and clear as possible avoids a drawn out conflict and lasting awkwardness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work you may need to escalate as necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8630" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T20:46:07.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9962" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-02-01T21:21:46.057" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T21:21:46.057" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T21:21:46.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9963" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-02-01T21:21:46.057" Score="0" Body="Maltreatment from one person to another.  It may occur in the following forms which include, but are not limited to: mental, emotional, verbal, physical, sexual." OwnerUserId="11821" LastEditorUserId="11821" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T22:29:33.403" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T22:29:33.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9953" CreationDate="2018-02-01T21:46:24.903" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;My usual reaction to this sort of joking is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hmm... (Exaggerated thinking face)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  How about... (More exaggerated thinking gestures)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The exaggerated gestures seem to get the point across that I'm being somewhat sarcastic and patronizing, which gives people the impression that I didn't take their proposition seriously and am just joking in return. It provides a plain &quot;no&quot; while keeping a playful tone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If/when I want to turn it around on them and make them mildly uncomfortable, I'll use something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ya'know, as much as I'd love to be pimped out by you two, Bob simply can't afford me... (Followed by a knowing wink and nod)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second approach is definitely off color, and may lead to further jokes. Use only if you're comfortable with that sort of joking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using either response requires a certain air of confidence. You're taking control of the sexual joke, and thus taking the power of it and redirecting it. If you're not that confident a simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Eww. No. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tends to take the wind out of people's sails and returns them to the reality of what they just said...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T23:41:43.323" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T23:41:43.323" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-01T21:47:32.777" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like a lot of these answers are very optimistic &quot;Hallmark moment&quot; type answers. If these guys are teasing you over losing weight, responding with &quot;guys that hurts my feelings&quot; could invite more teasing. It comes from a place most guys just aren't interested in recognizing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A much better response, in my opinion, is surprise over how boring and overplayed these jokes are. Their opening line is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey look, McFatty is losing weight to impress the ladies!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your response could be any of the following&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;eyeroll&lt;/em&gt; You got me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you change the topic and move on. They look immature and this emphasizes the idea that their comment was boring and overplayed. You could also try silence. They make the joke, you stay quiet for a few moments without laughing, then respond with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ooookay... Anyways, back to X&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or just challenge it like it's an obvious thing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What's your point?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then continue to act like you're not getting the joke. If they respond with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;haha, you're just trying to get laid!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Follow up with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc. The point is to get them to explain it again and again, further and further until it's not funny. Do this literally every time. The joke gets boring quickly, then dies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12278" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T21:47:32.777" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9967" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9989" CreationDate="2018-02-01T21:48:25.000" Score="72" ViewCount="21733" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently met a woman on a dating app and we hit it off. Last night we went on our first date, which went very well and we are planning to go out again. I am interested in potentially having a serious relationship with her if the next date goes as well as the first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (a form of autism) when I was in college, and I haven't had a serious relationship since that time (about 3 and a half years ago). Over the years (both before and after diagnosis) I have learned quite well how to &quot;fit in&quot; with people who are neurotypical to the point that most people wouldn't know I'm on the spectrum unless I told them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I have gotten better at managing a lot of the social issues that accompany my autism, I still have sensory issues that can be problematic. While I don't tell everyone about my condition, I could never seriously date someone that didn't know. It is almost a guarantee that at some point while with her I will experience difficulties that I can't control because I'm autistic, and if she is aware then she'll be better able to understand and deal with the situation. To be clear, I'm fully self sufficient (job, apartment, etc...) and not looking for someone to take care of me. I just don't want to scare her the first time she sees me experience sensory overload.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell her about being autistic and the issues that causes without jeopardizing a potential relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2018-02-01T23:08:40.090" LastActivityDate="2019-05-13T20:26:03.790" Title="How do I tell a potential partner about my autism?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9909" CreationDate="2018-02-01T22:29:50.480" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lots of brilliant question and answers here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I believe people are correct that, depending on your locale, there may not be a lot you can do, your only true long-term solution may well be to learn English to fluency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However&lt;/strong&gt;, there &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; one thing you can do in many, &lt;em&gt;many&lt;/em&gt; situations, and this one is no exception: &lt;em&gt;show, don't tell&lt;/em&gt;. In other words, &lt;strong&gt;actually &lt;em&gt;demonstrate&lt;/em&gt; your ability to learn quickly!&lt;/strong&gt; When they use a word whose meaning you don't know, ask them what it means, ask for clarifications to &lt;em&gt;make sure&lt;/em&gt; you understand it correctly, &lt;em&gt;then start using that word (correctly and appropriately!) right in front of them&lt;/em&gt;. If they're smart enough to realize you didn't know English beforehand, they'll be smart enough to see how quickly you just learned. And if not, well, it's not worth worrying about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T22:29:50.480" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9970" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-01T22:43:40.767" Score="2" ViewCount="161" Body="&lt;p&gt;My significant other and I have been together for years, but this is still an evolving discussion. We work different lengths of hours. One of us works a full time job, the other a part time job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are fair methods to determine how the chores should be divided? An even split? A disproportional amount to the person who works less hours? If yes to the latter, how should it be calculated? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simple math solution would be Full time hours worked minus part time hours worked is the amount of additional hours the part time person should work. But considering the emotions of the two involved the simple math solution does not work. The end goal is to come to agreement that does not leave one feeling like an indentured servant, nor the other like they work non-stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12280" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T22:43:40.767" Title="How should household chores be split for non-parent, different work-hour couples?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-02-01T22:55:52.673" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9971" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9953" CreationDate="2018-02-01T22:45:20.180" Score="81" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the best way to handle it is to not consider it.  After they made their &quot;helpful&quot; suggestions, you could have said something like &quot;so, a box of Godiva dark, then?&quot; to Bob.  &lt;strong&gt;You don't need to dignify insulting proposals with an answer.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was younger and part of a social organization that included some people who were heavy on the flirting (with aspirations), I got propositioned in both blatant and subtle ways.  I found that &lt;em&gt;not taking the bait&lt;/em&gt; was often the easiest way to make it stop happening.  More recently, some in my social circle have adopted the practice of blatant subject changes to redirect any conversation that is becoming uncomfortable (usually politics, but the principle generalizes).  One person does this by talking about the weather; the subject itself is a signal, as that's about the most basic &quot;small-talk&quot; topic out there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T22:45:20.180" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-02-01T22:53:13.507" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's all a question of timing.  If you tell her too late, she'll be unhappy that you didn't tell her sooner.  And if you tell her too soon, she might misunderstand or be scared off.  The &quot;right time&quot;, unfortunately, is when she is able to comprehend what you're saying but still likes you enough to say &quot;so what?&quot;  There's no good formula to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big thing is for you to control the narrative.  Let her find out in a way that is not a big deal and does not involve a lot of change in your behavior together.  I'd suggest first of all to go on dates where there is less risk of your sensory issues being triggered.  (I assume those are bright lights/loud sound but that's something I'm pulling out of my... well, you know.)  Go out with her 2 or 3 more times and get to know her and let her get to know you.   Let her see that you are a fun person with a lot to offer.  Then, when she is more comfortable with you, I'd say would be the right time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take her someplace that the both of you enjoy and have a good time together.  Then, at the close of the evening, say &quot;I really had a great time tonight and the past couple dates have been a lot of fun.  I should tell you that I would rather not be around certain situations and these are... [your triggers].  They affect me this way...&quot;  Tell her the effect, not the cause.  If she cares about you and enjoys seeing you, this is what will affect her, not your Asperger's.  So focus on that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may ask questions; don't be evasive.  If it's embarrassing to explain something, tell her that you're not ready to explain yet but will later.  Advise her that &quot;this is what I look like when I have a sensory overload and here's what I'd ask for your help with.&quot;  Most people have no problem with someone asking for help; you're not asking her to be your nurse but rather to partner with you to manage something.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do it!  The big thing here is confidence and being able to face your condition.  You obviously have done the second well, which should help you do the first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T22:53:13.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9975" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9953" CreationDate="2018-02-01T23:34:09.983" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ahahahah! Good one, maybe next time [exaggerating your expression like if this was definitely a joke]. So, do you like extra dark chocolate or white is better? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, &lt;strong&gt;dodge the proposal&lt;/strong&gt;. It's so out of every social norm that you don't even need to think that they were serious. It was a daring proposal of them, as Bob's reaction underlines (not a clear &quot;yes let's do it&quot;). Let them know that they are alone on this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it's easy to push somebody to do something uncomfortable, less easy to do it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh nice one Alice, you go first and I'll follow, OK? [Said with a sarcastic/exaggerated tone that implies that you won't]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a good way to deflate the situation, it puts Alice in your shoes, even if jokingly. &lt;strong&gt;This can be a risky approach and it's safe to be pulled if you feel that Alice wouldn't give her consent to random fondling&lt;/strong&gt;. If she &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt;, well, time to cut down the humour:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Huh wow, things are getting weird here, I'll leave you alone, OK? Bye, enjoy yourself mates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; Not-so-on-topic reflection : Hadn't I known the age of the three people involved in the situation, I'd have though of some clumsy and teenage-y manoeuvre of Alice and John to get you and Bob closer. Might it be that he likes you and Alice and John know it? &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T08:25:59.170" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T08:25:59.170" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9976" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-02-01T23:40:45.897" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Fulfilling the expectations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will give you an unconventional (although not completely new) answer: Give them what they want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friends are expecting to receive a mobile phone number in addition &#xA;to your home one (I assume mobile and landlines have different prefixes&#xA;in India).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As your reasons do not seem &quot;philosophical&quot; ones (eg. not wanting to&#xA;&lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; a phone, or entering into a contract with Facebook Inc), rather than&#xA;explaining all reasons why you don't have a mobile phone, it would be simpler&#xA;to get a mobile number and give out that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then make this number point to your home one. This may be a virtual number that redirects the call to your home number (there are probably providers of this  service with Indian numbers). Or you could use a simple forward (which depending on the plan could cost money per received call). Or simply play a recorded message asking them to call .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, this covers providing them a mobile number where they can call you.&#xA;You can convey this information:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have mobile number XXXXXX but more often than not, I have it simply forwarded to my landline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet they will prefer knowing &quot;the mobile number&quot; despite being of identical functionality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Why using WhatsApp&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second issue relates to them wanting to communicate through WhatsApp.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The underlying reason to prefering WhatsApp than calling is that sending a message&#xA;is much less intrusive (and you would indeed prefer not to be phoned for petty things&#xA;while working).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many other messaging systems would work as well: sms, email, icq, jabber, &#xA;snail mail, pigeon post¹…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet, people in India (and many parts of the world) seem to have standarised on WhatsApp for the time being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: How is it that you didn't tell me about X?&#xA;  Friend: Oh, sorry, I didn't remember to tell you separatedly. Why don't you install WhatsApp? You could quite easily.&#xA;  You: You know perfectly well that I don't have WhatsApp. Why didn't you simply send an email?&#xA;  Friend: Since everyone else [receiving the notice] uses WhatsApp, it's easier if telling everyone the same way.&#xA;  You: Everyone has an email address, too. You could have sent it by email to everybody.&#xA;  Friend: It's more inconvenient, since maybe they don't check their mailbox until they are at home.&#xA;  You: That's just the way they use it. They probably have the email synced on the same smartphone, too.&#xA;  Friend: Perhaps they don't see the email [since they have so much unread mail they don't open].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(The funny thing is that, if you then use that IM solution, you may find that such information isn't provided that way, either)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It ends up being a circular argument. In fact, you could easily build a IM&#xA;program that works on top of emails. And you could work on your inbox by sending every email to WhatsApp&#xA;(with a small loss on formatting, and a horrible email UI).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, my conclusion is that they use IM &lt;em&gt;in a certain way&lt;/em&gt;, and email &lt;em&gt;in a different way&lt;/em&gt;.&#xA;This is pretty normal and expected, since they are being used for different types of interaction.&#xA;&lt;em&gt;(Also historically, they have evolved separatedly, even if nowadays they have some shared features)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is reinforced by application UI focused on a given action, and an inefficient use of email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;¹ Ok, maybe this one would require too much effort and provide too little bandwidth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;To WhatsApp or not to WhatsApp&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are several stances you can take:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not sign up that number to WhatsApp.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you stay closer to your original intent. If/When they want to communicate &#xA;with you, they will be forced to use alternative means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This won't really provide your friends the kind of channel they expect, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Concede and use WhatsApp daily.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will probably be able to install WhatsApp (with your &quot;number for friends&quot;) in the terminal&#xA;you use for the family number (from your description, it seems to be a smartphone). Access to the phone number is only needed at the time of sign up (or if you later changed terminals), and it doesn't even need to be installed on the same terminal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this is akin to what you wanted to do. An additional point I dislike about this position is that I could feel manipulated into using this system, forced by the society (not that I would like being manipulated unknown to me!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Install WhatsApp and use it sparingly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An option in between the above would be to opt into using the IM system,&#xA;and check it from time to time, but nowhere as often as other people do.&#xA;So perhaps you decide you will review it on Sundays, or once a month. Then you would&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell your friends that although you have this installed, it's not an effective way of communicating with you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, my WhatsApp number is 123456, although I don't  pay much attention to it, I tend to review the messages about once a week, but sometimes forget. If you want to contact me, you're better off giving me a call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may also raise a few eyebrows (&lt;em&gt;How is it that you don't check if you received every 5 minutes??&lt;/em&gt;), but not as much as not having a mobile phone. It will also make it easier to mention how you prefer face-to-face interaction, and encourage them to call you and meet, rather than sending messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you would actually review it occasionally, replying to everything received in that time (which deserves one). You may end up pasting the same message to many people, e.g.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hadn't connected since last week and I just saw your message. Thanks for sharing that link, I have sent it to my email and will have a look at it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets you keep contact with your friends the way they want (WhatsApp), but sends a clear message about how ineffective it is. They may be ok with this high-latency communication, or switch to a different platform, but then that's up to both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this will only surface with people that actually interact with you using this platform.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I wouldn't hide the connection status (so that others can view that you haven't logged in for a long time), and I would explicitely state in the profile that they should call you if they want you to see it &quot;soon&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In spite of this, and having told them, they will probably forget about your &lt;em&gt;peculiarity&lt;/em&gt; anyway, and expect a shorter turnaround, so depending on the effort to dedicate, I might also print a business card for friends stating your home phone, your whatsapp number and that it shouldn't be relied on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;‪&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, note that most IM systems trap you into a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vendor_lock-in#Collective_vendor_lock-in&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;collective vendor lock in&lt;/a&gt;, as even when there are several alternatives, &quot;everyone&quot;² needs to use the same solution in order to be able to communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;² More exactly, all communicating parties need to share at least one medium. A client which supports multiple networks can be used to increase compatibility, with the additional burden of creating and handling multiple accounts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even on federated systems like XMPP, you need all people to use a XMPP client using the &quot;same servers&quot;, even if they are run by different entities. Ironically, Facebook messenger, Google Talk, WhatsApp and many other are actually using (or used) XMPP but not federating with other servers and thus creating its own walled garden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2803" LastActivityDate="2018-02-01T23:40:45.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9933" CreationDate="2018-02-02T00:24:55.843" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's what I would do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Identify any classmates that are &quot;class outsiders&quot; or not academically focused.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Determine if any of those classmates sit where you wouldn't mind sitting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Approach one of those classmates and ask if they would be willing to trade spots with you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it simple: &quot;hey, do you mind switching seats with me? I would like to sit closer to the front of the room.&quot;  In the mediocre public school I attended, there were plenty of kids who had no seating preference and wouldn't mind switching seats.  This might be different in your school though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your chart, I've identified the following student groups:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;L.O: Strong preference for front of room&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;V.K + T.A + A.F: strong preference for front of room&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;C.B + V.B: preference for front of room, but willing to move for R.L clique and the V.K clique.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;V.F + N.E: no preference &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;R.L + N.G: strong preference for front of room&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;F.Z + S.R: no preference&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;J.K + K.R: no preference&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;S.P + T.K: no preference&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may additionally be a group comprising L.B + H.S + E.P + M.(J/K)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the L.B clique does not exist, one of those four are your best bet, otherwise things get complicated.  If you are OK sitting in the third row, you can probably swap with J.K and K.R.  If you can convince the L.B. clique (if it exists) to move to the third row or arrange their seats in a 2x2 box rather than a 1x4 line of desks, you should be able to get a seat in the second row.  It seems really tough to get in the first row.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12284" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T00:24:55.843" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9981" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9953" CreationDate="2018-02-02T02:32:12.367" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Considering they are just acquaintances and not exactly real close friends, the intent behind the jokes might be more than just for laughs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say what actually transpired is a good step, just let what they say kind of slide and hope they catch on that it was strange and whatnot. In a close circle it would have been more laughter and witty remarks than the awkward silence that followed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thing is, if it happens again, try to voice out how you feel about them saying such and if it still persists, you need to be more forceful with getting the point across that it's making you uncomfortable and the like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, bob did agree on chocolate, and it wasn't him who made the &quot;change&quot; to the payment. As such, you could have a talk with Bob and say things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice and John say some crazy things huh? Suggesting X, Y, and Z.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think he also found it a tad strange and i think he understands it and he'll help you out based on the original agreement. If and it's a big IF he tells you and decides to follow up on the &quot;amendment&quot; to the contract then you've got a bigger problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T09:01:45.657" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T09:01:45.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9983" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-02T03:09:55.153" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know there are already loads of answers.  So, I'll make mine simple and concise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you happen to encounter the person at a public venue, you don't want to initiate the approach in any way that is obtrusive.  All the more so because it seems that she never had any open demand for an apology or for amends waiting in the air, so to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Regain contact with the person.  This may require asking around.  If so, then any person with whom you request assistance would also be privy to at least some of the information in the third step.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;State that you wish to make amends.  Do this first so that it opens the entire interaction and sets the tone.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Do not say that you wish to apologize:  that will come later, if the person wants to hear it.  An apology is an explanation of why or how you were wrong, and is not merely a simple statement of your recognizing that.  Indeed, by actually doing all this, such should be patently obvious to the other person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Provide a reminder of the situation for context.  Keep the reminder brief so that the person doesn't procrastinate or even ignore it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wait for response.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, it could go something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, I would like to make amends with you for being such a horrible jerk of a roommate so many years ago.  I wouldn't be surprised if you don't remember, but if you do, then please let me know what I could do to make things right with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess you could attach a frowny–face emoticon there if you'd like, but I'd recommend against it.  I dunno — maybe she'd appreciate something like that.  You'd know better than I.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for forgiveness, and all that …  It really is a dense concept that gets bandied about and misunderstood by so many people.  Any questions and answers in that regard should really be posed in the philosophic or religious Stack Exchanges.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T03:09:55.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-02T04:29:29.733" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;When people are young there are occasions and subjects where they find themselves outed by their peers. Such teasing is common in children, less common in teenagers and least common in adults; depending upon what where and who - YMMV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this particular situation you can explain to your &lt;em&gt;friends&lt;/em&gt; that you don't appreciate the name calling, but like that they've noticed that you've made progress towards reaching your goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes a bit louder protest is successful, other times raising your voice might be viewed as losing and escalate the teasing. Sometimes a polite comment to the group when one brings it up or a one-on-one can work, and other times your protests will be dismissed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's something you need to feel-out; it's difficult to dynamically respond to, third hand, after the fact (hard for us to offer universal perfect advice).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can pull it off, the &lt;strong&gt;reversal&lt;/strong&gt; often works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When someone makes an unwanted observation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Point at them and say in a louder voice: &quot;Hey, look at this guy!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Then point back at yourself like this:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/sY4vi.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/sY4vi.png&quot; alt=&quot;Check this out&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Now say: &quot;McSkinny's checking out this guy!&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By using their own terminology against them and pointing out that they would rather check out your success than do anything else (like check out the ladies, or something more productive) it knocks them down a notch and brings you up one - without going too far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make up your own 'great line' and deliver it your own way. It's like comedy, sometimes it works and sometimes it bombs; it's all in the delivery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do: Don't be discouraged from making safe and healthy choices. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T04:29:29.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9985" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="9991" CreationDate="2018-02-02T04:46:25.653" Score="17" ViewCount="3763" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have HSV1 on my genitals; I don't get mouth sores. I got the diagnosis a couple of years ago. I've dated several people since then. I kissed my first potential partner (since the diagnosis), before telling them I had it. I disclosed it to them before sexual intercourse came up. Since then, I've disclosed the fact that I'm HSV1+, before I kiss anyone. It definitely cuts down the number of prospective partners, but I feel like it is the right thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;My Approach&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I exclusively do online dating, and it is not disclosed on any of my profiles (I don't see the point of hoisting the red flag right away). I don't kiss on the first date, but I usually disclose it sometime around the second date. I usually disclose it in person, but I've disclosed it over text messaging without issues due to the communication medium.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a &amp;quot;disclosure script&amp;quot;, which goes something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Is it alright, if I (get something off of my chest/give you a red flag/et cetera)?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I have HSV-1, but it's not oral herpes. I understand this might scare you away, and I won't be upset with you if it does. I wanted to tell you this in case things get more intimate between us. If you have any questions, then I'll be more than happy to answer them.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel as if this is a solid approach, but I'm open to suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10538" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-07-25T00:45:46.313" Title="Is this a good way (with respect to time) to disclose an STD to a potential partner?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2019-07-26T07:37:18.653" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-02T06:01:30.970" Score="-1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Bitter but practical&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, But things will never be the same. The best thing you can do is apologize and let her know that you meant it. I don't know what her response will be. Its been long. She must have adapted new life style, in which your existence may or may not matter at all. But for the sake of your own inner peace, you need to admit it to her. &#xA;It may have one of the two consequences,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After certain interval,  you people can have conversations under the shadow of the bad past, which will still lead to frictional conversations.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She will choose not to forgive you and get on with it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you will be at peace as you have done your part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I wish she accept your apology, Real friends are hard to find.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6760" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T06:01:30.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9988" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9953" CreationDate="2018-02-02T06:40:56.017" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;By rejecting the proposal but also being gentle - to the people, not necessarily to the proposal.  This means anything which says &quot;no&quot; unequivocally but does not add negative emotions (regardless of whether they may be appropriate due to the 3rd-party-renegotiation suggestions or the nature of the additional request).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to say &quot;no&quot; in this manner without the full awkwardness of just firmly saying &quot;No&quot; and waiting is to lengthen it by adding some words about your refusal which give it some throwaway context which is not self-deprecating, not exactly apologetic, not explicitly open to attempts to change your mind, and not directed at anyone.  The example I'm thinking of: &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I'm not in the mood&lt;/strong&gt;.&quot;  Or &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Not today&lt;/strong&gt;.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think those are the best ways to say &quot;no&quot; for all situations where someone has proposed something indecently; pushy people can/will dig at the mood or timeframe you included around your &quot;no&quot;.  But I would say this method can be an option for rejecting an indecent proposal among friends (or &quot;friends&quot;) without blowing up your chance of closing the original contract you proposed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12291" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T06:40:56.017" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9989" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-02-02T07:06:39.193" Score="59" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background to my response&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll start by giving some context from my own experience.  I am a woman who has been dating a man who has Asperger's for over a year and a half.  We have also been living together for about nine months.  We met on an online dating site and our relationship is continuing to strengthen as we go along.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He told me that he had Asperger's on our second or third date.  By this stage, we had chatted a lot and I found that he was very focused on his areas of passion, so when he told me it wasn't a huge surprise. However, I simply accepted it as part of his personality and whether you label it Asperger's or not, it did not alter my perception of him.  All it did was made me be conscious of how he felt in certain social situations so that I could help him be as comfortable as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;So when should you tell your potential partner?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I would first see if you seem to &quot;click&quot;.  If you don't have that to begin with, then disclosing your Asperger's won't really make any difference either way.  Why do I say that?  Because if you have to explain your traits to her, then you already have a problem.  To me, his disclosure of Asperger's was simply a cue to me to put a context around behavioural patterns I'd already seen with him and that I was completely comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, even now he is more worried about his Asperger's than I am.  He is him, and these are simply aspects of his personality that make him who he is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Summary&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important piece of advice I can give is to make sure that you are not being so focused on your Asperger's as being an issue that you make it into one.  Be yourself, and if things are going along well then the disclosure of Asperger's will be more of an &quot;Oh, ok.  That makes sense!&quot; rather than something that will suddenly become an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it IS an issue for her, then you probably had more serious longer term problems ahead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck, I hope it works out for you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8641" LastEditorUserId="8641" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T21:55:38.240" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T21:55:38.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9991" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9985" CreationDate="2018-02-02T07:41:58.633" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Disclosing a STI isn't a conversation that anyone looks forward to but you are doing the right thing. Honesty really is the best policy and it means that you don't need to carry any guilt or recrimination because you know you are being ethical and responsible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the second or third serious date  seems like a good time frame. There is no need to publicize that you have HSV-1 to strangers or at the start of a first date, you are being completely responsible by talking about it before you kiss or are intimate with someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if they decide not to be intimate after learning about HSV, try to move forward in the relationship. They are only deciding to reject the HSV, &lt;em&gt;not you&lt;/em&gt; personally. But you also might be pleasantly surprised at their reaction. After they sort out their feelings they may decide that they are so impressed by your honesty and ability to discuss a difficult topic that they are more attracted to you than ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always tell the person about your HSV before you are intimate with them. Give them some time to absorb the news and learn more, they can read about herpes and become better informed. Do NOT wait until you are about to jump on each other and throw caution to the wind. You shouldn't have this on your profile and you it probably wouldn't be a great idea to talk about it on the first date either. A person hasn't gotten to know you very well yet and you probably want to get a sense that the relationship is going somewhere before you have &quot;the talk&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Know that you will sooner or later find the person who is right for you who will want to be with you regardless of HSV. Lies can easily kill relationships and they might break up over the lie more than the HSV. If you don't feel comfortable enough to talk to a potential partner about HSV-1 then you are not ready to be intimate with them yet either. Wait until you feel ready to have the talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships can founder for a lot of reasons anyway there are many things that may attract someone to you or reasons why someone might not go further. You'd be in a far worse position if you didn't disclose the HSV to someone before being intimate &amp;amp; when they found out later felt betrayed. They might even be angry enough to sue you if you didn't disclose the HSV before being intimate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thoughtful people who value your best qualities, the people that you'd like to be in a relationship with are just the people that are likely to be impressed by how you handle this and will often want to get to know you better after you disclose this to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people with HSV, especially those who have more frequent outbreaks, prefer to date other people who already know that they have herpes. This is by no means something that you have to do. Just keep in mind that it's a possible option if it appeals to you. There are online herpes dating sites and if you find equal quality people there (as on other dating sites) it might simplify a few things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T06:17:37.030" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T06:17:37.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9953" CreationDate="2018-02-02T08:41:52.590" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;The context: you are all friends in your twenties, men and women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not unheard of (as much as I remember it) that hormones are high on that age. Which may lead to awkward situations when your body reacts faster (much faster) than your brain. Or at least this is how I remember it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been in that case (as &lt;em&gt;Fred&lt;/em&gt;, the fifth guy in your party who was watching and whose brain froze when a similar situation happened), the person who is now you responded (I quote her)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you fucking lost your mind???&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To what everyone moved uncomfortably, did some &quot;humm&quot; and &quot;well&quot; and someone said &quot;okokokokokok. OK&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some people may be offended for life that you have not flashed them. It is my personal opinion that you should get rid of them, these are not real friends.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Normal people will just let it go&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Good friends (as we were) would tease about that for years (making everyone actually more and more comfortable).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ah, the memories of colocation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T14:27:24.980" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T14:27:24.980" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9939" CreationDate="2018-02-02T08:46:15.873" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am lacto-vegetarian have always faced the same issue. The fact is, the lifestyle choice does sometimes lead you to being left-out. Sadly the right thing to do is just smile and ignore. Also please...please...please do not try to make any smart alec comments...ever. All this super smart sounding come-backs will be career suicide unless you are way up the ladder. Just smile and ignore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12294" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T08:46:15.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9985" CreationDate="2018-02-02T09:27:23.273" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I fully agree with not disclosing this on your dating profile and not mentioning it on the first date. Except if you were to follow &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/9991/321&quot;&gt;@Thisiswhatyoudo's advice&lt;/a&gt; to switch to specific online herpes dating sites. This might take away some of the stress that goes with &quot;hiding&quot; it at first. I'll be assuming you don't do that for the rest of this answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say that the first date went well and you're both still interested in seeing each other more. Your current approach is to then send a text to inform your potential partner about your disease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The positives:&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - no false hope for your partner (a good relationship starts with trust)&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - gives them an easy out&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The negatives:&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - they might not know about it and don't bother to look it up.&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - may opt out too soon because of it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - you can't see how they react to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both the good and bad thing about texting it is that it's less personal. Since you seem to be having some trouble actually finding a partner that sticks, you might want to gently push them a bit more. I suggest to do the following instead of a text message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Invite them on a second date. Make sure to do something where they are not &quot;trapped&quot; (like in a dinner date, unless if you tell them only near the end) and preferably have some privacy (you don't want 20 other people listening in on you talking about a disease probably).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some suggestions for such a date could be as simple as going for a coffee (in a non-crowded place of course), walking on the beach, maybe even going to a movie and stick around to have your talk afterwards ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then at some point prepare yourself to have &quot;the talk&quot;. It starts basically the same way you do via text currently. Be prepared for 3 major possible reactions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) disgust.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't help it. Some people just are disgusted by any diseases. At this point just be glad that you found out early that you're most likely not a good fit for each other (which is what dating is for right?). It's the main reason to go for a date where they can actually get out if they want. They may get over their initial automatic reaction of disgust and contact you again which can give you the same result as the other reaction. Just stay friendly, allow them their out and move on. You expected this could happen in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) confusion (what I expect the most probable response)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could still work out if you play it right. You're probably going into a &quot;gentle teaching&quot; mode here. Allow them to ask questions about what it is or what to expect to happen later in the relationship. Be open about it. You can be proud that you're showing enough trust in them to share your &quot;secret&quot;. You may even want to emphasise it when you do your initial explanation that you want to start of any potential relationship based on honesty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really want out, just let them. Otherwise allow them to think about it, stay in touch (through texts etc...). You should be able to get a decent idea about whether or not they're still interested after this date. Be it in how they respond, or their general body language. Do note that being a bit more distant after your explanation is normal. Give them some time and who knows they might still be interested afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) perfectly normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not as likely as the other responses but there are always people who are open about it. Perhaps they have experience with it, or have HSV1 themselves which puts them at ease that they're not alone. They may still have some questions about it but the conversation should flow a lot easier than in case (2). It could be a good idea to show them how glad you are that they appreciate your honesty here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To end I would like to point out that this approach could be too hard on you as well. You need to be able to muster up the courage to actually tell them face to face. If you're not able to do so than your current approach of texting may still be the best. If you do try it however, don't get discouraged when the first tries end up in situation (1). Keep it up and let's hope you will someday find the one for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2019-07-25T00:45:46.313" LastActivityDate="2019-07-25T00:45:46.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="9997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9933" CreationDate="2018-02-02T09:30:39.333" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make a Plan based on the wishes of all (little algorithm to make this plan):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Everybody makes a list of all rows sorted based on their preferences&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make a plan that satisfies all first wishes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the number of people in all rows fitts with the number of seats your done&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Else beginning with the row with the most supernumerary people&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Role a dice (or use a random number generator (e.g. from google if you search for random number generator online)) which Person have to move to his or her next preference.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rebuild the Plan with this new distibution&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;goto 3&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you want a less technical advice: Talk with the others ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12298" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T09:30:39.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9933" CreationDate="2018-02-02T09:42:41.763" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The solution: Get over it! No seriously, let me explain why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Life sucks and you will find that you will never get the best opportunities for yourself. You have the option of taking them and standing up for yourself while pushing someone else down, in which case you will benefit in the short term but suffer in the long term because those people you squashed will come back to haunt you in some way, shape, or form). You have the option of being the one squashed, which you already know how it feels, since this is the case, the actual optimal solution here is to be the squasher. Simply stand up for yourself and demand a better seat... Just realize the consequence. But you will at least learn to be a bit more balanced which will actually be a good lesson for you at a young age, just don't go to the other extreme.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The class is only a few months maybe? If you think sitting in the front will make you learn better then you have a lot to learn. You must learn to maximize the minimum... this means you must learn to make the best of the cards you are given, because you can't do change those cards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What this means is that you can learn to be a bit more disciplined and become a better learner. You shouldn't even have to show up for class(unless it is  mandatory) to learn, specially now days. You can learn everything you need from a book and from the internet. If not then you are using the seating chart as an excuse not to learn and you don't realize it. If you had the perfect seat, you'd still complain about something. There is always something to complain about... and complainers are very good at getting good at finding something to complain about and even inventing something to complain about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time, make better decisions. I know it sucks, life sucks. It's not your fault. Figure out a plan! Don't think that those that lead really have a clue, because most are clueless. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could learn to be a leader and come up with proper solutions yourself. This means a solution that satisfies everyone. You say &quot;Hey, you can't make everyone happy!&quot;... Oh, but you can! It is your job to find out how. Think outside the box. I will give you a couple of solutions just to prove to you that it can be done, since you and others don't believe me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a) Have random seating that changes for everyone every day or every week. The pros - It is better for the brain to have a different view because it learns faster. It is also better for the neck, back, legs, etc, not to stay in the same position for too long. Since position is tied to the view(the girl that is complaining should understand this, since that is her argument), it means it will be better for variety in seating position. Outside the Box: have classes outside every once in a while, or go to the library, or something else... of course your teacher is too stupid to think outside the box this far, but you could lead the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b) You could inspire everyone to do 10m of group meditation at the start of the class... play some nice relaxing music. You'd make up for the loss of time in the enhancement of brain activity that it would provide.  If you explain to them that it works scientifically that can't deny it. Again, it's up to you to do your job, not me... I'm not the guy stuck in a small classroom in the back corner... I'm in a different kinda box, it's outside your box.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;c) You can go through life being a lemming or you can be different. Being different requires you to... get this... be different!!!  If you are not happy, change it! Don't look for others to tell you how, no one knows but you... remember though, if you make others unhappy in the process you lose!(it's a trick, but it's true! but you'll only find out in the end why!) So come up with a way that makes everyone happy as much as possible and you win!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to realize that everyone is doing the same thing: They are unhappy or uncomfortable with something and so they do their stupid shit. The girl with the &quot;neck&quot; problem(an excuse so she can have a better seat because she thinks she is better than you). The people who talk in class and waste every ones time... they don't care about learning nor about you learning and they will cause you to waste much of your time and possibly ruin your life... you could just not go to the class and be better off... of course, unless the admin forces you to go because they think they know what is better for you; yet they don't even know who you are or that you have to sit in the back of a small room trying to learn through the noise of the people they admitted to learn who don't want to learn... and, of course, they have convinced others to pay them to house you in the box... which they can then spend to buy their fancier boxes and boxes on wheels instead of, at least, giving you a nice box to learn in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See, life sucks! Think about it this way! The teacher is just there to get a pay check and he doesn't even care about you learning either. Your government doens't even care! They've just tricked you in to being in a box, a cell, so you are not out in the streets vandalizing their BMW's! And they got you fooled! Tricked you in to this thing called &quot;school&quot;! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you see, you can have it any way you want, it's really up to you to decide. I bet though, if you think &lt;em&gt;outside&lt;/em&gt; the box, you could find a very nice solution for all, it might be some work though... happiness doens't come easy. You might have to get your classmates together and protest and tell them you want a bigger classroom... Maybe start protesting and chant &quot;classrooms over BMW's!&quot;. Maybe that will get things changed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, no one here will change your world... and no one here will have the correct solution. Do what you feel is right... communicate with people, but make sure you don't box yourself in; or what have you really achieved? Maybe you'll end up with a BMW, running a school, putting kids in boxes? How do you think these things get started in the first place? Remember! &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; &lt;em&gt;outside&lt;/em&gt; the &lt;em&gt;box&lt;/em&gt;! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12297" LastEditorUserId="12297" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T10:01:25.363" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T10:01:25.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="9999" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9953" CreationDate="2018-02-02T09:45:10.367" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to the excellent answers by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/9955/10085&quot;&gt;Kate&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/9971/10085&quot;&gt;Monica&lt;/a&gt;, and following up on Mawg's comment &lt;em&gt;do you think that you have prevented this sort of behaviour in the future?&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you follow this up in private with John and Alice: telling them you did not feel comfortable with it and considered it inappropriate. Phrase it so that you are expressing your feelings, not accusing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And ask them not to make these sexually tinted suggestions in the future (again, try to use non-accusing language).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10085" LastEditorDisplayName="user10085" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T10:51:26.850" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T10:51:26.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10000" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-02T09:59:23.593" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just apologize. It won't cost you anything and it won't hurt anyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BUT, &lt;strong&gt;do not&lt;/strong&gt; try to list all possible reactions and get prepared. That's not how honest apologies work. If you prepare for each outcome it's a calculated apology. You take all the leverage from the person you try to apologize to, rendering the apology artificial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1645" LastEditorUserId="1645" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T14:41:44.937" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T14:41:44.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-02-02T10:03:48.197" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an aspie myself, and late-diagnosed also, I would suggest that &quot;soon is good&quot; but &quot;not too soon&quot; — she should have her eyes open before its &quot;too late&quot; emotionally and you unintentionally cause harm. I don't know you, or her and so its hard to out a figure on it and lots of aspies are not too good at &quot;spotting the moment&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She'll probably realise you're not a low-functioning spectrum member by now so I wouldn't bother clarifying that. Just be upfront about what minor accommodations are needed and what pushes your buttons. Yours don't sound too unusual or extreme to me.   She may have some in her family or friends and know what to do anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may get a surprise as I did. My date turned out to be one too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="427" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T13:12:30.613" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T13:12:30.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10002" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10057" CreationDate="2018-02-02T10:05:54.990" Score="-9" ViewCount="2874" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here's the setting&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Blake and I met while in graduate school, taking a couple of classes together.  She had this quiet intelligence about her that was really attractive, and on one wintry night, I asked her out for a date - to which she agreed and we started dating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here's the problem&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For our third date, she invited me to dinner at her place. After dinner, we watched a movie, sitting very close to each other.    She said things like, &quot;yeah ... I've watched this movie like a million times already ...&quot; and other things to try and hint that watching the movie wasn't the point.  Yet, I still couldn't muster up enough courage to make a move on her.  So we just sat there together and watched the movie in utter silence, with her periodically repeating some lines from the movie.  The movie ends, and she offers me to stay the night.  I agreed, volunteering to take the couch in the living room, while she went back to her bedroom to sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never got another chance to see her again after this night, and I think that I may have possibly offended Blake, by not making a move on her, even though the setting was perfect. Every time I asked her for a date after this, she said she had plans already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;And here's my question&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to Blake that I truly enjoyed my three dates with her and would love to see her again?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T18:29:43.423" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T18:29:43.423" Title="How to tell a date I really enjoyed our dates so far and I would like to go on another, when I might have offended her?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-02-03T19:39:47.153" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10005" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9744" CreationDate="2018-02-02T11:39:04.537" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to the existing answer, I'll add the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could approach this by setting boundaries. I've had friends like this before too. You set the boundaries on the relationship by limiting her interaction with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do this by backing off whenever she says/does something you don't like. She starts a topic of conversation on facebook you don't want to talk about? &#xA;Don't feed any attention seeking. Don't respond to drama, don't gossip, don't agree, don't give her anything. Stick to mundane replies. In the worst case, &#xA;you were just busy and got distracted and couldn't reply. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She gossips with you on facebook? Don't reply to her messages after that.&#xA;&quot;Why didn't you reply to my message&quot;&#xA;&quot;Oh, I didn't want to gossip&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She gets angry at you on facebook? Don't reply after that&#xA;&quot;Why didn't you reply?&quot;&#xA;&quot;Oh, you were angry at me&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She wants a ride after shouting at a guy at a gas station? &#xA;&quot;The shouting yesterday made us uncomfortable. We like our quiet and aren't going to be able to give you a ride again.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any time she has a bad behaviour you don't like, the goal is to give a direct, negative consequence to her actions. Say why (&quot;We weren't comfortable when you did X&quot;) and back off (&quot;so unfortunately we can't do y anymore&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She misbehaves when she comes to dinner? She can't come to dinner anymore. &quot;You did x and we didn't like that, so sorry you can't come&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you are giving her direct feedback on her actions. She can't say you're a &quot;bad friend&quot; because &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt; you do/say is in a direct response to her actions. Basically, you're setting the rules for what it means to be friends with you and your husband. If she can't follow the rules, then she can't be your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be completely unphased by her actions. It's not personal. You have rules for friends that everyone must follow, her too. Expect her to behave as a reasonable adult, if she doesn't, then that activity is not happening again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this friend is like this but what I find with some people is that they're friends with you because they get something out of it. They just want to take from you without putting in effort to maintain a mature, adult friendship. They're seeking drama or attention or affirmation or something similar from you. The setting boundaries technique I've described makes you an &lt;em&gt;incredibly boring&lt;/em&gt; friend for them and usually they'll get bored of you and find someone else who they can take from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normal friendships don't have this problem because they naturally are two directional, where both parties are happy to give and take. The boundaries are naturally there and most friends are happy to work within them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T21:55:46.760" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T21:55:46.760" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9887" CreationDate="2018-02-02T12:40:36.917" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;OK&quot; is what i would say, keeping eye contact. Often nothing else, except the other is in a really bad state and concrete actions are needed. Or except the other asks a concrete question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Ok&quot; says both: &quot;I heard you and i understood&quot; as well as: &quot;I have no opinion about this and dont want to force up anything on you. Im not even sorry about this, it is how it is&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will have two effects:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Empathy: The other feels that he is in a friendly, listening enviroment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Freedom: The other feels that no one hinders him to solve this problem on his own.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These two factors are enough in 80% of cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once a young girl from my chess club said to me: &quot;I have no friends at school and no one likes me&quot;. My answer was just &quot;OK&quot;. She then asked: &quot;What can i do about it?&quot; (i train some of those kids and they are used to me knowing all the answers in chess, which is obviously not the case in other topics). I suggested some things to her and she asked more &quot;How&quot; questions. We talked for a while about this and that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Half a year later, she is now integrated at her school and has three best friends. I did nothing about this, she did this all on her own. Unfortunately she is not any more regulary coming to the club (she was a good scorer in her team), but i guess you cant have everything :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6411" LastEditorUserId="6411" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T20:18:15.083" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T20:18:15.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-02T13:29:00.380" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me tell you a secret. Pretty much everybody who goes to the gymn is going to get into shape, so they can impress the opposite (or sometimes the same) gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's why I go, that's why everybody I know goes, so my advice would be, the next time they make a remark such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey look [my name] McFatty is losing fat to impress the ladies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just agree, say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, yeah, that's exactly why I'm going to the gymn. Why don't you join me next time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting in shape to make yourself more attractive to potential partners is completely normal. Making fun of somebody for doing so is a bit sad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2756" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T13:29:00.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9939" CreationDate="2018-02-02T13:31:36.590" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm also vegan and the only vegan in my office. I found the best way is to be harsh sometimes. The idea is to make them think twice before saying another comment again, and like I said it's a little harsh but it's in my experience that if you don't say anything it will continue to happen. It's a bit like bullying in my opinion. And the best way to beat a bully is to bite back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine this situation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Colleague: &quot;Sorry, [name], this [food] isn't vegan!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: &quot;Why would I want to eat your food? I have my own food you know&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or perhaps..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Colleague: &quot;Oh - you can't have milk can you&quot; Me: &quot;Not &lt;em&gt;can't. Won't&lt;/em&gt;.&#xA;  It's a personal choice, not a religion.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Colleague: &quot;Is that leather on your belt&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: &quot;No&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it may seem rude to be this way, they will soon learn that that topic is not for discussion. Maybe it could be if people weren't so judgmental or say things in an accusatory tone. But it works. However to not get the reputation of the office bitch I try to be nice to everyone, start happy conversations. Despite the comments above I'm still well liked in my office and have good rapport with everyone. But my overall point is you gotta defend yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9308" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-05-21T17:19:22.950" LastActivityDate="2019-05-21T17:19:22.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2435" CreationDate="2018-02-02T13:55:35.500" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel it's important to not make Bob feel bad about this, you can call out the behavior while downplaying any hint of criticism of his motives:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You probably don't realize how much you touch me while we are talking, but it makes me uncomfortable, please stop doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could follow up with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm used to having a bit more personal space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As you start dating again, you will need to learn to be more sensitive to how women react to this kind of thing -- it will be tough to get second dates if women feel you're being over-familiar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, it would be more open and honest to just tell Bob he's being creepy and to stop, but it sounds like the OP doesn't want to go down that path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9341" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T13:55:35.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10012" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9985" CreationDate="2018-02-02T14:28:41.197" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to give a somewhat opposing view to the first couple of answers and talk about why there could still be value to your original approach vs a new one, because &lt;em&gt;which&lt;/em&gt; approach you take is your opinion, and I think there are values to all of these approaches, but yours is important as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've known trans people (different, yes, but hear me out) who use the upfront-before-we-meet-up method to disclose what could be &quot;surprising&quot; genitalia later on down the road because it created safety concerns if they waited to disclose it in person (they had actually been attacked by someone they were on a date with when they finally &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; disclose it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're meeting strangers online, your approach might be the safest approach.  Some people are less informed than others, and could make brash, angry decisions if you've already kissed them or what-have-you (because to them you've already exposed them - and yes, some people &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; think like this). It just comes down to the fact that you really don't know how any of them are going to react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, I think your method is a safe one to use when it comes to online dating.  &lt;strong&gt;If someone isn't informed now, they probably are not going to get informed&lt;/strong&gt; enough to consent to a relationship with a partner with an STD by the time you start getting physical (and with STDs, this includes kissing for most people). It could potentially be safest for you to continue being honest from the get-go, and you'll save yourself time and resources on first dates with people who will end up discontinuing a relationship with you once they know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T19:03:25.630" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T19:03:25.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-02-02T14:30:14.947" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The timing is also a factor to consider. i.e not just how but also when. You first want to make a connection with the person, which sounds like you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was me, I would bring it up when the right situation comes up. For example maybe you can talk about a time that once affected you because of your autism. You don't need to make it seem like a 'woe is me' story or anything, but you could mention it then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if she is telling a funny story of an awkward time she first met a person, and she's laughing about something awkward that happened, you could try to bring it in by mentioning you aswell. For example, laughing and saying &quot;A similar thing happened to me! I have autism which makes it a bit difficult for me to [x], so when [y] happened, it was really awkward. They saw the funny side though so it was ok&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you're not bringing it up in a serious &quot;listen, I have to tell you something&quot; kind of way, its in light of the current topic, and its not the main focus of the date. If she asks further questions feel free to answer if that's what you wish, but by bringing it up at least she knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that helps&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9308" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T14:30:14.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4233" CreationDate="2018-02-02T14:40:24.223" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;People always say it's the girl that friendzones a guy, but in reality, they friendzone themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guys have a tendency to not know how to react, go on a date, dont do anything, the girl doesnt feel a connection and then says she would &quot;rather be friends&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you have to get out of that loop. Im a firm believer of &quot;fake it till you make it&quot;. Which in this case means fake your confidence.&#xA;Lets look at some of the facts, shes an exchange student living in an unfamiliar country, with a different culture, and a different launguage. She probably isnt going to be too confident herself. However she made the brave decision on going on a date with an american guy..and discovered shes not sure if he's interested and it was a bit awkward with the language barrier. She too might to start thinking that maybe you should be friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to get out of this you have to be confident. She needs someone confident, not someone like her. You need to be a little bit more forward. Not too much!! This will scare women away. But start letting her know you have a romantic interest, not a friendship interest. Start acting like a guy who wants to date her, not a guy who wants to be her friend.&#xA;Women in Korea are after strong, independent gentlemen. So that's what you should start doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be courteous, polite, have an interest in what she is doing with her life/studies/work/family etc. And at the end of the date tell her how you felt such as you enjoyed your time, it was with great company, maybe give her a compliment. And ask to see her again. But at the end of the day, you gatta be the one to do it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9308" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T14:40:24.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10016" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-02T14:41:38.730" Score="0" ViewCount="1460" Body="&lt;p&gt;Now don't get me wrong, I know the title of the question can feel a little awkward, but I am a person who chooses his &quot;battles&quot; very carefully, therefore helping those in need is something that I don't do often, that I surely ponder a lot, and (sorry if this may seem arrogant) I get to choose &lt;em&gt;who I am helping&lt;/em&gt; and for what.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I wouldn't have any problems sparing some change, but I really feel bad, when I have to lie about it (&lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm sorry I don't have any money with me&quot;&lt;/em&gt;), because I get pestered. This happens &lt;strong&gt;especially&lt;/strong&gt; if people are asking for money for organizations that help children.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;My brain gets irritated every time I get stopped by someone who asks &quot;are children important for you?&quot; and my heart feels broken because I don't have the words to say &quot;they are, I realize what you're asking, but no&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Ignoring people stopping me makes me feel the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I avoid to feel like a major a*****e and get so say &quot;no&quot; anyway?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3408" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T15:03:24.407" Title="How to say no to people asking for charity without feeling bad about it?" Tags="&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-02-02T15:07:38.000" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10017" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-02-02T14:44:07.870" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the first date went well without telling her, is it possible that she just likes you for you? She may not need this information just yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the days before Aspergers was as widely understood there were lots of undiagnosed people and anything that was symptomatic of Aspergers would just have been seen as a personality trait. We all improve our personality over time, even neurotypicals! Your developing yourself in order to 'fit in' as you put it is really not so different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is some popular etiquette concerning this among Aspergers communities, I am not aware of it. I am speaking entirely from my own personal experience, I do know a few people with Aspergers and I think I would be happier to learn about this from anyone much later on, especially if we were getting along fine without an explanation of why they acted or spoke a certain way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think you are getting along just fine and the relationship is progressing then why not hold off for a bit? See, to answer your question of &lt;strong&gt;&quot;How do I tell her about being autistic and the issues that causes without jeopardizing a potential relationship?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Telling her early on&lt;/strong&gt; will potentially involve much more speech, especially if she has no prior understanding of Aspergers. You will have to explain the condition and then go on to explain the sort of things she can expect from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Telling her later on&lt;/strong&gt; - either at a point in your relationship that feels naturally the right time, or at a point when you feel that a particular behaviour needs an explanation - will mean she already has experienced your behaviour, she will have a frame of reference and likely understand it much better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this is popular opinion or what you want to hear, but I am prepared to throw this out there to try and be helpful. This is the feelings of someone who is neurotypical (although I do sometimes wonder!) and if the girl in question is the same then this may be her perspective also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T14:44:07.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10016" CreationDate="2018-02-02T14:54:00.113" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have similar problems; I cannot say no to charities, especially children's charities. When I saw charity ads on tv, I used to have to turn it off. I used to go out of my way to avoid charity reps on the street asking for money. It used to make me feel quite bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the answer you are looking for is in your question though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I get to choose who I am helping and for what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I got over feeling guilty saying no is by helping in the charities I feel the most passionate about. There are a few charities that I actively volunteer for. Even an hour volunteered in an understaffed charity is worth more than a few spare change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you can't volunteer, simply donate to the charities you are passionate about. &lt;strong&gt;No one can help everyone&lt;/strong&gt; and so the money you do donate could change someone's life. The feeling of giving should cut away the guilt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12310" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T14:54:00.113" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10016" CreationDate="2018-02-02T15:03:24.407" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't need to have a lot of money on you at all times, that would solve your &quot;lying&quot; problem. I pass every work day in front of at least 2 homeless people, and most days I don't have money on me as I mostly use a credit card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the charities people, I often either put my headphones on or just tell them I'm in a hurry and they have to trot along if they want to give me their speech. Seems to deter most of them. I don't feel bad about that because a different charity will have its people there every single day, and I lost a lot of time being given their speeches before I developped this way of dealing with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you can tell yourself that they're just trying to manipulate you into giving them money. They are trained to give specific speeches to make people feel like they have to give money. That makes it even easier to not feel bad about not giving anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, it's your money, and you can't help everyone in need, so all the better for you to chose wisely which charity to give to. There shouldn't even be any bad feeling about this whole situation in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12313" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T15:03:24.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-02T15:14:12.550" Score="3" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Let sleeping dogs lie&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I personally apologize to her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a counterpoint to the views in the other answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After twenty years your ex-friend will likely have come to terms with that experience, put it out of mind and moved on in life. If so, it is quite possible that raising the memory again will cause her further pain and distress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a possibility that your seeking her out in this way will seem like stalker activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should not use her as a tool to assuage your own guilt. You should not use any kind of emotional blackmail, implied or explicit, to pressure her into doing things to make &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I need to apologize to her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you should not be focussing on what you need, but on what she needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she doesn't need anything from you other than to stay out of her life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5115" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T15:14:12.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10023" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10024" CreationDate="2018-02-02T16:15:07.777" Score="12" ViewCount="5563" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few weeks ago, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. It was a peaceful ending, with no tears, or fights - we simply accepted that was better for us to move on. We were living in the same place, until I found another apartment to move. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This week she accessed my personal computer without my permission, and read private chat messages between a friend and I. Without context, or full knowledge of what was the theme of the conversation, she jumped to the conclusion that I was cheating on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't go into details, but she reacted very negatively, and it resulted in a pretty bad situation, and her pulling a knife on me. She is now telling everyone (both our families) that I cheated on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking to her right now is impossible, as she just screams at me whenever I try to approach her. She also blocked me in social medias and chats. I live alone, so I don't have to face the embarrassment everyday, but I just want that my close family members to understand that I didn't cheat on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I possibly do to control this situation?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12319" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T16:50:49.487" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T14:59:00.457" Title="How to deal with a huge misunderstanding and an angry ex-girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10023" CreationDate="2018-02-02T16:34:26.697" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;She doesn't sound like a very reasonable person. She's certainly not willing to respect any boundaries, and if she really did pull a knife on you, then she's dangerous as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to talk to her and explain yourself is a lost cause, and frankly, not worth your time. Her bad-mouthing you to your family, however, is a big deal, and one that must be addressed as soon as possible. I would sit down with your parents, and tell them what happened. I would also sit down with any siblings and good friends (separately) and do the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Describe that you were still living together after having broken up. That she invaded your privacy by reading private messages, and that she misunderstood the content of those messages. Based on that misunderstanding, she then proceeded to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;pull a knife on you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, and is currently running a campaign of misinformation against you. She's toxic, and they need to understand that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At &lt;strong&gt;no point&lt;/strong&gt; should you try and explain what you were speaking to your friends about, or what the inside joke may have been. That's private, and you owe no one an explanation about it. At most, admit that it may have been a bit of an immature conversation, but that what matters here is that it was private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would ask them for their support in this matter, and I hope that they know you well enough to realize that her account of events is not to be trusted. They'll hopefully spread the word to any other relatives of yours who may have heard about the debacle, and stand up for you in any public setting where this topic comes up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as what her family thinks, if you happened to be fairly close with her parents prior to this incident, I would possibly send them a letter explaining your point of view, underlining that you were never unfaithful, and that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;she pulled a knife on you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; over information she misinterpreted after essentially &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;spying on you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. This is probably pissing in the wind, as they say, because it's very likely that they will stand by their daughter's account come hell or high water, but you could do it if you feel you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to set the record straight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; Anything you say can, and will be used against you. Don't say anything to her family (in writing or otherwise) that could be misinterpreted, and possibly used against you in the court of public opinion, or worse, in a legal battle. This may sound paranoid, but I've met people who've endured with pretty crazy stuff from similarly angry and vengeful exes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would then move on with my life, and be ever thankful of having (mostly) dodged a speeding bullet. Not to mention a knife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T16:57:40.733" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T16:57:40.733" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10025" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9953" CreationDate="2018-02-02T16:37:52.060" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the very idea of trading borderline sexual favors puts you off, you can rephrase it to sound closer to what you felt:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;&quot;Don't pimp me.&quot;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your answer is not to Bob. It's Alice and John who proposed it. If you want to answer, you answer to them, not to Bob. It doesn't really matter if Bob was interested or not. The deal was being made between you and Bob but the proposition was between Alice and you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, I don't think that the payment itself was the intention of Alice and John. It sounds to me like they wanted to move your (you and Bob or maybe even all 4 of you) relationship into something more intimate. The payment for a favor seems like merely an excuse to bring the topic up. If Alice and John are a couple, then trying to hook up one of their friends (Bob) with another (you) is a common pattern. It could be even not about you at all, they maybe just want Bob to stop being a third wheel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way you've handled it was also good. Uncomfortable silence is uncomfortable to everyone, and that's a perfectly valid way to share your feelings about the situation. Self-demeaning remark could be usually skipped, though. Because &quot;quality of merchandise&quot; is not important here, the nature of the deal is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to put &quot;not hurting anyone's feelings&quot; at the top of your priorities. Your feelings have been hurt, sometimes people don't get it unless you hurt them back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T16:37:52.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-02T17:06:52.007" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may want to do something a bit more old-fashioned.  Draft out a brief personal statement of apology to her.  Write it out in longhand and sign it.  Then mail it (I'm assuming you can get a reliable postal address).  Mail it to her, then forget it.  It will be up to her to acknowledge or ignore your letter, but the time and effort you took to apologize will certainly not go unnoticed and will speak to your sincerity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12323" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T17:06:52.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-02-02T17:19:29.083" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm neurotypical, so I was going to suggest you could say it early or even close to first-thing. But I see some of the other answers on here and they make very good points. I'll still give my original response but with a little less naivete.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it depends on the type of person she is to some extent. You've just met her on the app but you've also had a first date, so I think you're in the clear as far as telling her in general. It's easiest, of course, if she is a kind, gentle person, but either way, I think you should bring it up as early as you feel like on your next date. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't lead up to it particularly. Just like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I want to tell you that I have Asperger's, which I only mention because I sometimes have sensory issues. I just want you to know ahead of time that if [I have to leave the room, or whatever else you do to cope], it's only because I'm a little overloaded and need to even myself out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean, those are words I'd use, but something like that that feels natural to you. She'll appreciate knowing ahead of time, especially because you'll be making sure that she doesn't get confusing signals. She'll likely ask you some questions, and I'd just answer them as honestly and directly as you're comfortable with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may feel a little awkward, but if she does, you can say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't worry about it; it's just something I wanted you to know. Let's talk about something more interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have something else you can bring up, start talking about that, and give her time to process it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's worth dating, it'll go fine. I really hope it does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9909" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T07:26:22.857" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T07:26:22.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-02T17:50:33.187" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ok, assuming you find your friends truly awesome and want to keep them, then depending on how you gauge their underlying maturity*, you could take the sincere approach (as in TheTinyMan's answer), or you could use humor to defuse it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Several other answers have suggested just going with it - &quot;Yes, that's exactly why!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More options along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In a space without any women around, you can look around and say &quot;what ladies?  I don't see no ladies.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you're in the presence of a few good female friends, you can gesture expansively, &quot;Yeah, look at &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; these ladies!&quot;  [This requires you and the ladies to have already navigated innuendo like this during your friendship, which might not be the case in your situation.]&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Extend it as &quot;Yeah, now I just need to get some time to actually meet some ladies.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or make it quite biting, &quot;Now I just need to get some cooler friends who won't scare off the ladies.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*The fact that they said this once doesn't necessarily mean they're immature - I have a circle of amazingly kind, decent friends and we have some pretty savage banter.  But the fact that they're continuing to use the same lines after you've asked them to stop is the difference - that sounds like they're more interested in teasing than in respecting your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7009" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T17:50:33.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10030" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10031" CreationDate="2018-02-02T18:21:25.053" Score="5" ViewCount="1604" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been friends with three other men since high school, Alex, Michael and Luke. We're all in our mid twenties. Since not all of us live in the same city anymore, I created a Discord server for us to communicate, acting mostly as a group chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friends and I often &lt;strong&gt;all&lt;/strong&gt; participate in &quot;pranks&quot; with each other. Usually online, but sometimes offline. Some examples being:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Purposefully making a bad play in a team-based game we're ahead in combined with a Steve Urkel-esque, &quot;Did I do that?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Changing the virtual locks on our base in the game Rust, immediately ready to undo it once someone notices&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We make fun of Alex, he's an artist, by saying things like &quot;Who would pay money for this?&quot; in reference to his art (we've all, on our own, praised his art in the past)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We make fun of Michael as a member of the U.S. military by saying things like &quot;Our nation's finest, people.&quot; when he makes a bad play in a video game&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We make fun of Luke for having a strong opinion on not sweating small details in the way he lives/his appearance, fondly calling him &quot;garbage man&quot; due to his tendency to keep trash/garbage on his floor in his room&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We make of me for being a bit of a braggart saying things like &quot;Oh listen to Steve he's got a master's degree&quot; with a sarcastic tone&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On occassion we've kicked another person out of the Discord saying something like &quot;Banned&quot; right before doing so, each time immediately reinviting and reinstating existing permissions/roles&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Out of everyone in the group, I indulge in this type of humor most frequently. I would say probably 5-10x as much. Although I'd say each of us pokes fun at the other at least once when we're all together online or offline. This is a behavior that I have &lt;strong&gt;actively been working on avoiding&lt;/strong&gt; and I have made progress into less frequently doing this, which some people have noticed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our group is no stranger to disagreements, every once in a while things get heated, but for the most part they get resolved. In my case, I get a little more frustrated and often find myself taking a break from the group, leaving the Discord server for a weekto cool off abnd talk to whomever I had a disagreement and come to a resolution. This type of situation has &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; happened with Luke. Upon my return, I would be granted back the same permissions/ownership role until after the third or so time in which it was given to Alex and then Luke, later. I've had my personal disagreements with Alex and Luke with how they managed the server, but nothing that has gotten too out of hand or anything that's been personal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the past two months of so, I had asked Luke to give all four of us a specific permission to manage a music playing bot in the server. This gave us the ability to skip a song in its playlist. During a conversation, we were having, I was made aware that a friend didn't know that Tom Petty had passed away this year and we jokingly talked about how we couldn't think of any Tom Petty songs besides &quot;Free Fallin'&quot;. So I emptied the queue of the current songs and queued up &quot;Free Fallin'&quot; multiple times. Immediately, Luke took the permission away from me and removed all of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was irrationally angry at this point. From my perspective, I was playing off of a joke and a permission that I had asked for specifically to solve pain issues (often times people would accidentally queue the wrong thing and no one could skip that song) was taken away. I left the Discord server, angry, fearful of what this meant for me, and feeling ashamed that apparently I couldn't handle that responsibility even though I thought I had used it in an &quot;appropriately&quot; inappropriate way. I snapped and personally insulted him on another messaging platform with the gist of it being, &quot;You have an extremely flawed personality and because of it you couldn't handle your most recent relationship.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this, I took a step back for a week to cool off. While I wasn't part of the server, I attempted to invite Luke, and two other friends, Sam and Bob, to dinner, my treat. At this point I had no idea how upset Luke was. After receiving no response from Luke, Sam had told me that Luke was very upset with me. They had been having a conversation with Alex as well about how Luke was &quot;done&quot; with me. He said that all of my previous behaviors combined with this made him extremely upset and that he didn't want to deal with me anymore. I heard this solely through Sam, but he had shown me screenshots of the conversation (that I did &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; ask for).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I felt horrible. I didn't realize I had cut so deep, even though that was what my angry self had attempted, especially since Luke is usually the one friend of ours who seems unphased by most things. So I apologized saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry for the harsh words I used towards you. There's no real excuse for my behavior. I don't want you to think that I don't like you or don't think you're a good person. I was angry about something dumb and went for a cheap, easy blow in order to blow off some steam which was wrong of me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He hasn't responded and according to Sam and Alex, it doesn't seem like he's going to. He's &quot;done&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm concerned about two things: my relationship with Luke and my relationship with Alex and Michael. They're all dear friends of mine and I'd hate to lose any of them; I care very deeply for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Is there anything I can do in this situation with Luke outside of just waiting and seeing if he accepts my apology?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;In the event he doesn't, what's the best way I can maintain a healthy relationship with Alex and Michael?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;sup&gt;I rewrote this question to better explain some of the nuance; check the edit history if it helps&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T17:11:19.340" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T15:47:30.720" Title="How do I effectively fix a situation in which I personally insulted a friend out of anger?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10030" CreationDate="2018-02-02T18:31:43.193" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask for a privilege, it is granted, you immediately abuse it, and then get upset for losing it again? You're in dire need of some introspection, friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with constantly issuing apologies, only to screw up over and over again, is that eventually people get tired of hearing them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've known people like this, and cut them off - it was the only sane thing to do after the 300-th apology, and countless headaches over drama I didn't need in my life. I don't blame your friend for finally giving up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for how manage the situation going forward, get a grip of yourself. The world does not revolve around you. Focusing on &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; desires, &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; fun, &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; entertainment, &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; gratification - always at the expense of others - is not a healthy way to live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Write a heart-felt message to your friends (not just Luke), and actually bloody apologize, and not just for this incident, but for your pattern of behavior. Ask for their forgiveness, and understanding one final time. Ask them to help you on this journey to better yourself (assuming you actually want to do so). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then start building better habits. Every time you want to blow up, take a few seconds and reconsider your actions. Don't hit send on a message before you've read it over a few times, and ask yourself how &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you'd feel&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; if one of them sent it to you. Maybe get professional help, I don't know. But don't expect other people to keep taking your attitude, and forgive you simply because you feel a bit of remorse (until you don't).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look into what &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;emotional intelligence&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; is, and how you can improve yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strike&gt;Even now, you don't seem really sorrowful for upsetting Luke. Correct me if I'm wrong, but your post reads more along the lines of  you being worried about losing outlet for social interaction.&lt;/strike&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-02T20:16:49.697" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T20:16:49.697" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10032" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10030" CreationDate="2018-02-02T18:43:38.420" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, you've really insulted your friend as a result of your prank backfiring, and got personal.  Sorry for being blunt about this, but let's start with an open admission.  Because you're going to need to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E-mails are impossible to take back, so don't waste a lot of time trying.  You've sent Luke an apology and now the ball's in his court.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the question: what was your apology like?  Did you admit what you did?  Did you explain what you have learned from this?  If a friend really insulted me, I'd want to see how things are going to change.  Obviously if he's &quot;done&quot;, this has been building for a while and he feels like things are not going to change.  If someone gets me to that point, I'm going to want to know these two pieces of information before I even consider their apology to be sincere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... how do you maintain a friendship with the others?  By not repeating what was done to Luke. The friends now have to make a choice: between someone who by his own admission is a troublemaker and the latest victim of his pranks.  Quite frankly, the odds are not in your favor.  How do I know this?  Because I've been in that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step is to figure out what needs to change to keep them as friends.  Yes, guys play pranks on each other.  But they are generally harmless and don't involve getting the others mad at them.  So I'd suggest sitting down with the group and coming out and saying it.  &quot;I really stepped in it with Luke.  He's said he's 'done' with me.  I know I really messed up and don't want to repeat that with the rest of the group.  I don't want to put anyone into a position where they need to choose between the two of us, because I know I'll lose that.  So, please tell me: what do I need to change to not repeat the same stupid mistake with you guys?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;strong&gt;make the change&lt;/strong&gt;.  Be the friend that they need.  Additionally, don't talk about Luke behind his back, except to respond positively to what other people say about him.  Eventually word will get back that you know what you did and speak well about Luke.  He may calm down or you may run into him again.  If that's the case, you want him to know that you haven't done anything to make the matter worse and that you value him.  And when your paths cross, that will make your apology more likely to be accepted.  That may help you regain his friendship or at least repair the relationship.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T18:43:38.420" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10030" CreationDate="2018-02-02T18:58:57.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask: &quot;Is there anything I can do in this situation besides &quot;wait and see&quot;?&quot;&#xA;Yes, you can change. Or you can move on and accept that you are not compatible with Luke, and maybe the others, anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People change over time and what was a funny prank one or five years ago is maybe no funny prank anymore now because people changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know a guy from work who somehow finds it funny to wind up everybody. The guy is the boss's friend and the boss somehow finds this funny and challenging. He accepts that that's the way the guy is.&#xA;Many other people at work are annoyed with that guy because for us this is no fun. For me this just shows that we are different and not compatible to each other. We are different so we don't hang out together and that's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should ask yourself: Do you want to keep your behavior in principle? Does it make you feel good? If yes, then stay like that. But you have to accept that not everybody likes the way you are so maybe you lose some old friends and maybe you make some new friends who like the way you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or maybe you decide pranks was in your past and now you want to change and &quot;grow up&quot;. I think you should consider this option. But you have to feel comfortable with it. Do you really want to change? Or do you like yourself the way you are and you just need new friends who like you the way you are?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T18:58:57.773" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10030" CreationDate="2018-02-02T22:45:12.530" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've presented your apology. One of many that have been issued when you've offended or hurt your friends. Someone who is hurt will see your persistence as self serving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Why self serving?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can tell that you are are remorseful and genuinely want people to see the change in you but I also see your attempts to repair the situation as self serving. When we feel guilty we want forgiveness. There's nothing wrong with wanting forgiveness. You have apologized many times in the past and your friends cared enough about you to accept it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, now Luke has stated that you've gone too far and he is &quot;done&quot;. You've apologized but the situation isn't following the normal script (where everyone forgives you) so now you're more upset. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time you persist in contacting him directly or through other friends, that relights the fire that reminds Luke of how angry he is with you. You're not respecting the boundaries that he does not want to talk to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the offender, it's not your right or privilege to be forgiven. You've expressed you're sorry. &lt;em&gt;He does not have to accept it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wake up call:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Continue your growth as a person. You should not be doing this only because you want things to go back to normal. I think Luke being firm on this is your wake up call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can only genuinely continue your journey to work on your temper and hope that your friends get to witness your growth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;How do I be genuine?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Be transparent about the situation and your feelings.&lt;/em&gt; You sound like an action person so you want people to see the changes you're trying to make. You may have to open up emotionally to your current friends about your situation with Luke &lt;em&gt;including how your behavior in the past has affected your friends too&lt;/em&gt;. Luke is the only one who firmly said &quot;I'm done&quot; but your other friends could feel similar.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you can't force people to see your growth and accept it. You may have to come to terms that you've permanently damaged your relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is your guilt to bear as a result of your behavior but that doesn't mean you should not be motivated to grow. I say grow and not change because we're not asking you to replace your personality but to use this wake up call to reevaluate whether your behavior is worth losing friendships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T22:45:12.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10039" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10042" CreationDate="2018-02-02T22:46:34.540" Score="22" ViewCount="4906" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 21 year old college student living with my girlfriend, her mother, and her mother's boyfriend. We've lived here, on and off, between my house and hers for the past 5 years. I don't consider this to be my house, but her room, at the very least is my only private space in the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, (around a year ago) her sister's ex-husband and their son moved into the house. It's an incredibly weird situation, but my grandmother likes having the time around her grandson. I've never really had an issue with him in the past, as he's relatively young, but he is a bit of a brat and likes to get things his way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As of late, she's been spending more time out of the house, and so there are periods of time where I'm alone in her room, and for whatever reason, her nephew (the aforementioned grandson) likes to come in. I try to keep him out, but there's no door (the room is the attic), and he has a habit of helping himself to my things. I don't really have a problem with that, but he's not very considerate with them, and his favorite word right now (he's 6) is no. Particularly when you tell him not to do something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a good temper. I don't yell at people, and my preferred method of conflict resolution is talking it out. But he's not a particularly talkative six year old, and as anyone with a young child probably knows, he's not one to be reasoned with. He's very fond of punching people and doing what he wants, despite our best efforts, so he's not always an easy kid to deal with. For the most part, he respects my boundaries if I'm firm with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today, however, I told him, &quot;I'm very busy with homework and I need you to go downstairs.&quot; He was playing with a little writing tablet I use for doing math, drawing on it a little violently, but I figure he's a kid so I let him do it. When I asked him, he said &quot;No.&quot; I said &quot;$Name, please go downstairs.&quot; &quot;No.&quot;, this time more insistently, &quot;$Name, go downstairs now.&quot; &quot;No.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point I was very frustrated with him, so I looked him in the eyes like I was very serious and firmly said, &quot;Go. downstairs.&quot; And he stuck his tongue out at me, threw my writing pad on the ground and said, &quot;NO.&quot; So I grabbed the back of his shirt, got down on his level and said, &quot;Now.&quot; And he got a scared look in his eye and ran downstairs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to have to do that. To be honest, it made me feel a little sick treating a kid like that, but I didn't know what else to do. His grandmother, his father, and my girlfriend don't take anything he does seriously. If I asked my girlfriend to make him go downstairs so I can work, she'll do it, and he mostly listens to her, but everyone else just laughs it off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally in this kind of situation, I'd go to speaking with an authority figure in his life, but his father is never home to discipline him, and his grandmother is the kind of person who solves interpersonal conflicts with screaming and anger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously the answer in the long-term is to get a better living situation, but until I finish college and get a full-time job, that's not exactly on the table. I just want to know what I can do in the future to try and alleviate that kind of situation without having to be mean about it. Another concern is, today I was afraid I'd be in trouble with his grandmother for speaking to him in that manner -- luckily nothing came of it -- but he has a habit of crying wolf and I don't want anyone thinking I'm physically abusing him. I really really would prefer not to have to do anything of the sort, I just want to be able to get alone time when I want it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for making it through the wall of text if you've made it this far. Open to any comments, criticism, or advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12335" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T09:38:09.077" Title="How to deal with unruly children that aren't yours?" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10041" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-02-02T23:10:47.350" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the issues often faced with telling someone about a psychological condition or disorder is that many people have at best a confusing idea of what the &lt;em&gt;name&lt;/em&gt; (the label) of the disorder translates into actually meaning. And generally different individuals experience different degrees and expressions of related symptoms. Furthermore, a label is a generic term that's simply not personally relatable in and of itself, unless that person is already familiar with someone else who it applies to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disorders with names that in the vernacular mean something different than their clinical application are prone to this, as are disorders that are often the focus of lampooning or other similar treatment, which only magnify the misunderstanding that is their basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I've always found the best approach is to &lt;em&gt;start&lt;/em&gt; with what's going to be relevant to your interactions with the person whom you're talking to, and allow that to provide openings for further discussion on the more general topic/diagnosis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Places the focus and context on you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Makes the topic immediately relatable, because &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are the actual focus of the topic, rather than a generalized concept.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Helps avoid confusion related to prior or different understandings that aren't applicable to your situation: people generally cling to what they already know (or think they know), and the easiest way to change knowledge is through providing experience rather than merely telling someone that something is different than their current beliefs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is a sincere show of openness and trust.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Invites further conversation related to you and your experiences, clearly signaling that you're open to talking about it in that way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I still have sensory issues that can be problematic. While I don't tell everyone about my condition, I could never seriously date someone that didn't know. It is almost a guarantee that at some point while with her I will experience difficulties that I can't control because I'm autistic, and if she is aware then she'll be better able to understand and deal with the situation. To be clear, I'm fully self sufficient (job, apartment, etc...) and not looking for someone to take care of me. I just don't want to scare her the first time she sees me experience sensory overload.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not start here? You have a &lt;em&gt;medical condition&lt;/em&gt; that's generally under control but can cause certain things to happen when you experience certain environments. You can offer details on that. Be open about how it makes you feel when this happens, and it's ok to be open about how you generally feel about discussing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of a good relationship is establishing trust and finding just how far those levels of trust go when you make yourself vulnerable in some ways to that person, and while telling someone you have a clinical disorder and terming it as such is certainly one way of doing so, I've always found that leading with personal experiences and then following up with the explanation of something being classified as falling under a certain clinical label leads to both less confusion while also clearly signifying that you &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; want to and are open to talking about this in a personal context rather than just as a label.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Labels exist to help facilitate a quick (imparted with just that label), common, presumably shared &lt;em&gt;general&lt;/em&gt; understanding in a way that is by necessity both imprecise and impersonal. They're at their most useful when the point is, ideally, to avoid having to give an entire definition of something when just the label itself will suffice. But the point here should be about you and your potential partner and your lives and how this signifies in them, and your ability to communicate between the two of you on personal matters like this… not just a generic term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting with the personal aspects of living with your condition help place the resulting conversation in the context of it being a personal discussion of you and your life and not just a general clinical label that applies to you in some way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never found a specific wording or approach that necessarily makes this easier for me, but I have found that generally approaching life details like this can be helpful in turning the discussion into an honest conversation that focuses it more personally rather than trying to start off awkwardly as to whether the other person feels you are opening things to deeper discussion or not, or even defensively against either stereotypes or other misunderstandings (or worse, finding out later that the other person claimed to understand but held such misunderstandings but didn't even voice them, and they colored subsequent interaction).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the type of discussion that I would personally bring up sooner rather than later, if I felt like I was to a point where I could tell that it was someone who would make a good friend who I'd want to spend time with regardless of whether or not the relationship developed further romantically, once at least some more general personal topics had already been broached.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think at the point in time where you judge from how things have been going that you'll be seeing the other person enough more for it to be good for them to be aware of your condition simply due to the outcome of symptoms of it is probably the right time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking perhaps more personally, I don't think you're hiding anything if that time does come later rather than sooner, and I also personally would feel that anyone who judgmentally considered you to have been &quot;hiding&quot; something simply because you have developed strong coping skills and it's not superficially apparent that you are afflicted with anything… might be someone you're better off not being in a relationship with. With that said, it's usually best to get certain details out in the open early: if you're afraid that it will affect a relationship, it's better to know sooner rather than spend too much time with someone only to find out they're more concerned with a label that's merely one of many that can be used to describe you than they are with the actual person they've been spending time with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11794" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T23:10:47.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10042" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10039" CreationDate="2018-02-02T23:16:29.233" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like it or not you are an authority figure in the kid's life. You all live together, and you're more or less an uncle at this point. Well, perhaps I should specify that you're a secondary authority figure...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you handled the situation appropriately. You set a hard boundary and enforced it without losing your cool. Perhaps you were a bit stern, but it sounds like that's what the situation called for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly 6 is a bit old for the sort of &quot;No&quot; thing you're describing, in my experience most kids go through that phase between 2 and 4. By six they should have already started school and learned some basic &quot;play nice and get along with others&quot; at the very least school aged kids usually know not to shout at adults and throw things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend living into your &quot;uncle&quot; roll. It sounds like you're going to be an adult in the kid's life for the foreseeable future, so setting and enforcing rules and boundaries is a pretty reasonable thing to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend talking it over with the other adults in the house, but don't be afraid to assert your boundaries. If you live there your boundaries should be respected, it's just a matter of who's going to enforce them. Allowing a six year old to run wild shouldn't be an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T15:07:05.303" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T15:07:05.303" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10043" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10030" CreationDate="2018-02-02T23:16:38.063" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I think the focus of your question on the pranking behavior of your friend group is a huge red flag that you aren't prepared to address this situation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luke probably doesn't want to speak to you right now (maybe not ever) because you broke a really key level of trust with the personal insult about his &quot;flawed personality&quot; and blaming that for a recent breakup. There's nothing about a prank in that, that's some really deep cutting stuff to say. I can't imagine keeping a friend who would respond that way to a conflict with me. It's so different from use of a common expletive or insult: you used the power of your relationship including knowledge of happenings in his personal life and your knowledge of his personality to craft a directed insult. In the future, it's up to Luke, not you, whether you and him will continue to have a friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you write things like &lt;em&gt;&quot;Unfortunately, this made me irrationally angry&quot;&lt;/em&gt; in response to the Discord situation, I think your language is very telling: &quot;&lt;em&gt;this made me&lt;/em&gt; angry&quot; is deflecting a lot of responsibility: your language is still blaming &lt;em&gt;the situation&lt;/em&gt;, as if you think it's natural that you get angry when a clearly not-deserved permission is revoked from you. &quot;&lt;em&gt;Unfortunately&lt;/em&gt;&quot; again makes it sound like bad luck, something that was destined by something outside yourself. I know you are stating that you feel remorse, but your implicit language does not support that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This conflict between explicit and implicit language suggests to me that you haven't quite caught up to truly feeling bad about what you said - you're stuck on the consequences, stuck on excusing your actions by dwelling on the situation that led up to it, and stuck avoiding a direct assessment of your own behavior. My perspective, based on your question and the edits you have made to it, is that you came here hoping for an easy solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To answer your question about what to do:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've made your apology, now I think you need time to think to yourself and to give your friends time to think to themselves. Maybe time will repair things, maybe you will need to try again with a new friend group. Ultimately, Luke gets to decide both a) Whether to accept your apology, and b) Even if he does accept your apology, he gets to decide whether he wants to interact with you again. Your other friends have the same choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T23:16:38.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10030" CreationDate="2018-02-02T23:54:38.530" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe I used to be a lot like you, so I can definitely sympathize with the way you act and how you feel. To me it seems like it's the unfortunate combo of wanting to be silly, but also being a little oversensitive to when people respond poorly to your jokes. And to a degree, your friends may only be acting in such a way because of how you are. For instance, would Luke have revoked Alex's ability if he did something like that? Or is he revoking yours because he's annoyed with you? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of the fairness, your friends can't help how they feel. And they won't want to spend time with you if you're constantly getting upset. Honestly I feel as though your jokes aren't so much the problem, it is how you handle the aftermath. I used to do the same thing, I'd abruptly sign off or get quiet, and it made me realize that no one wants to feel guilted into laughing at a joke. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then I've become popular with my friends again, and really it just came with being able to laugh off a bad joke and make fun of yourself. Don't interpret every action to be an attack on you. Perhaps Luke was trying to make a joke himself when he revoked your permission, but you left before you could see how anything resolved. The only thing at this point to mend your relationship, is to just take time to &lt;em&gt;show&lt;/em&gt; them how you can be better. If you feel upset try to avoid making rash decisions, and gradually you'll probably see them warming up to you again. Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11982" LastActivityDate="2018-02-02T23:54:38.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10039" CreationDate="2018-02-03T00:36:07.147" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Kids and dogs have one thing in common - if they don't know who is in charge, they think it's them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kid obviously is not used to someone being the alpha in the house.  You need to assert this role with this kid, and do so quickly.  Otherwise he will not respect you and will walk over you.  There's no need to engage in physical discipline with him, but if he's in your room, he needs to understand that your requests are there to be followed and followed quickly, not negotiated with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have handled this somewhat differently.  At the first &quot;no&quot; to leave, I would have carried him out and told him &quot;when I ask you to leave, I am not going to ask you twice.&quot;  Do this a couple times, and he will understand that you are in charge and to be respected.  You will most likely have to repeat this several times until he understands this - we parents have learned that lesson the hard way.  Discipline is not about punishment - it is about exerting your authority as an adult and helping the child to realize that they have a role in an adult-child relationship.  Discipline, well done, teaches children how to behave as adults in an adult world.  And that is the job for us as adults to do around children.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can spend time with him and enjoy the time together.  He may be mad at you initially for asserting yourself.  But kids don't stay mad forever and you can have a very productive relationship once proper boundaries are established.  I suspect that he comes in because he wants an adult male to interact with.  You can do that and have a productive relationship - he needs to know when it's appropriate for you to do things together.  So figure out how to show him when it's appropriate to approach you, and have fun with him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT grandma: let her know what's going to happen.  Gently explain that you are not going to accept his disobeying your requests, and will enforce them if you need to.  If she knows ahead of time, she will respond better than a sudden &quot;uncle Tyg13 threw me out of his room&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T00:36:07.147" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10039" CreationDate="2018-02-03T01:35:21.553" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Apaul and baldprussian bring up some very good points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other adults in the house are not committed to keeping boundaries, then you are entitled to at least upholding your boundaries. They are more than welcome to have their personal property damaged by this child but it's more than reasonable to expect that you and your boundaries are respected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If his father is absent, he may view you as a parental figure or just someone who actually gives him attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Transparency&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be transparent about your disciplining/talking to when/if it occurs. In my 10+ years of experience with childcare systems, I generally only discipline in cases of safety (physical or emotional), bullying, or disrespect to other children/adults. (Discipline: never physical, always a talking to, time out, or meeting with parent). I always follow up with the parents on these issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this child cries wolf, I would be wary of physical touch (unless it compromises his/others safety).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Discipline&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best tool is my voice, body language, and how I use it to address a serious matter. Sometimes I implement a countdown (from 5 or 10) in group settings. I always begin loudly (not shouting), speak slowly and clearly, my facial expression is serious, my body is positioned to their height or at least ensuring that they are looking at me, and I countdown to whatever I'm requesting they do. I gradually lower the volume, tone, and speed of my voice as the child/children quiet down and listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;For example:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've asked you once. I'm going to count from 10 and by the time I get to 1, my tablet should be in my hand and you should be downstairs. 10... 9...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've given you a choice. You have 10 seconds to give my tablet back and go downstairs to play. 10... 9...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Choices&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though he's 6 years old, he can still make his own choices. This means he gets to choose the outcome of the event. It can be a good or bad one. Either way, the following choices all involve him leaving your room:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He can use the tablet after you have finished homework.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He can watch TV, color, or play with other toys.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He can be difficult and sit in time out (if you choose to go this far and is agreeable to the other adults).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He can be difficult and lose tablet privileges.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, he can choose between doing something fun or having no fun. The countdown and choices typically work for various scenarios (cleaning up, eating, chores, getting dressed, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I acknowledge that this system is not for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T11:34:21.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10023" CreationDate="2018-02-03T02:02:19.683" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't really need to &lt;em&gt;control&lt;/em&gt; the situation, it will take care of itself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As much as vanity might demand it, there is no need for your rebuttal, and it's futile anyway - if you follow any of  #metoo, you know that denials often do more harm than good.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider.  You and she agreed to an amicable breakup.  She gave her word &lt;strong&gt;and did not keep it&lt;/strong&gt;.  Her choice to snoop is the relevant matter, not &quot;cheating: probably motivated by anger and wanting to find something to feed her anger monster.  &lt;em&gt;It means her promise to be peaceful was no good.&lt;/em&gt;  Having snooped and broken her word, she's dug a hole, and can only get out by diverting attention, what's called &quot;blame-shifting&quot;.  It's a cheap trick, her acquaintances know this, they roll their eyes and go &quot;there she goes again&quot;.  It's unlikely they really blame you, but they're not going to dump their friend over it. Like the boys say, &quot;Bros before romantic attractions&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; friends and family members, they're going to side with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll not stop her from telling her fibs.  It's not as damaging as you think. Not to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, anyway :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T02:02:19.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10049" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-03T02:32:04.893" Score="3" ViewCount="906" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a crush on a guy in my school, and I told my best friend about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently found out that he started dating a girl who happens to be friends with my best friend. A couple days after that my crush's girlfriend (we're not friends, but she's one of the nicest girls in school) came to me at lunch, and told me that she knew that I had a crush on her boyfriend, and that my best friend had told her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I denied it, but now I don't know what to say to my friend. I told her about my crush in confidence, and she not only told her friend, but his girlfriend of all people! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I approach her about the fact that she betrayed my trust?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12344" LastEditorUserId="378" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T17:26:10.127" LastActivityDate="2019-01-09T14:01:25.363" Title="How to talk to best friend about broken trust?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2019-01-09T19:19:03.413" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10030" CreationDate="2018-02-03T03:00:31.063" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it’s important to realize where you may have been at fault. Which you have done. But you also can’t fully blame the situation and people for all that happened. It sounds like although you may have valid reasons to why you did what you did- like feeling undermined, slighted or looked down upon- that you also did not talk it out. You rage quit, said some harsh words and peaced out. You don’t try to talk about you felt first or say hey? why is this happening? Have I overstepped my bounds? So to me your friend Luke being upset and calling it quits is not 100% surprising, especially if situations like this have happened on multiple occasions. But- I feel like you getting angry and fed up quickly with what happened may also have some validation- maybe your friends were also ones who cut you off, and have also done or not cared about your friendship either. There is probably more to this than just this incident, and sounds like probably a lot of issues that were never discussed. The ball is in your friend Luke’s court right now, and I would try not to pressure him. Let him work out how he feels. You’ve apologized. The best you can do now is wait, work on your relationships with your other friends, and work on improving how you interact with your friends. It doesn’t have to mean changing your whole personality, but working on that anger, controlling your temper and if there is a problem addressing it right away, asking what’s wrong and contemplating why someone else may be upset before going off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12346" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T03:00:31.063" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10023" CreationDate="2018-02-03T04:12:15.973" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a good case for never moving in with someone you don't fully intend to spend the rest of your life with (i.e. marry). If you have the slightest doubt -- don't do it. Breakups are so unpleasant, even under the best of circumstances. So much unnecessary, emotionally draining drama. And romantic relationships not built on real love, are by default built on lower quality things like convenience and exploitation of various kinds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moving into the same house with someone, to the extent of even sharing the same bed and bathroom, tacitly removes all proper boundaries, in the minds of most people. So if boundaries are important to you, it's an unwise choice of lifestyle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Somehow she had physical access to your computer, and despite not showing emotion when you chose to move out, it is apparent she did feel she may have been treated dishonestly. So rather than accuse you without evidence, she chose to snoop into your social history. Obviously there was some trust issue for her at that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To pull a knife is just crazy. But people are often driven nuts by failing relationships. And for people with high-strung temperaments, or people who have simply been pushed over the edge -- it might mean a potential for violence, however irrational and unjustified. That's the whole point. The drive to temporary insanity is a short trip for some people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the more reason not to get overly involved in people, giving up personal space and boundaries, until you are quite sure you really trust them. And that you love them enough to treat them as something more than a passing fancy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I won't go into details&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...Tells us that there was some sort of discussion between the two of you, which took place after she became suspicious and prior to her pulling a knife out. And while she was wrong if it wasn't done strictly in self defense, what's done is settled already -- it's over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing for you is to move forward by considering how you might avoid getting into similar situations in the future. You're worried that people might think you cheated on her. But what should worry you more, is that someone could have gotten hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9307" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T04:12:15.973" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10023" CreationDate="2018-02-03T04:30:04.307" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest just telling your parents, friends, and those people who may hear otherwise the truth about what happened.  There's always two sides/opinions to each story, so they can judge for themselves who and what they want to believe.  Your ex-girlfriend obviously sees it differently than you and there nothing you can do to change her feelings, at least until she cools down.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she's ready to talk, and if you still want to, then you can handle it then.  Otherwise, no point in worrying about it, unless she continues or escalates the poor behavior.  Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12050" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T04:30:04.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9915" CreationDate="2018-02-03T04:44:39.530" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are doing this for two people: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) your old roommate&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She may or may not care or remember how you treated her.  She probably will remember, but after so much time, any sting will have abated somewhat.  She may or may not appreciate/accept your apology.  It sounds like she was very nice to you in the past, so my guess is she will accept it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) yourself&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is to put yourself at peace and &quot;fix&quot; your wrongs.  This is the most important part, since it obviously means a lot to you.  All you can do is make the effort to reach out, apologize sincerely.  Don't explain yourself unless she asks you specifically.  Don't rationalize anything, just be sincere.  And that should hopefully come across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had something similar happen to me.  Apparently, I made a negative comment about a girl who had liked me in high school.  Maybe five years later, in college, a friend told me about the comment I made and how bad it was.  I remembered making the comment, and the guilt was just awful.  I had to get in touch with the girl and &quot;make it right&quot;.  So, I did my best to track her down, tried to communicate with her, and I didn't hear back.  Not sure if she got my message or just ignored it, but you do what you can.  You can't always fix every situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worst thing you can do here is doing nothing.  Take action and you will feel better.  Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12050" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T04:44:39.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10039" CreationDate="2018-02-03T05:08:49.010" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;No matter if you're right or wrong, someone's going to blow up at you for daring to &quot;discipline their kid&quot;.  That's the way the world works, and no, it's not fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest a gate that little Attila &lt;strong&gt;can't&lt;/strong&gt; bypass, at the entrance to your room, or better yet, downstairs at the point beyond which there is noplace else to go but your room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can discuss this calmly and logically with the other adults there, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't hold out too much hope.  Their &quot;little darling&quot; can do no wrong, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T05:08:49.010" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10002" CreationDate="2018-02-03T05:11:40.837" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;The important part of your question isn't the descriptions of what went well, it's this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Every time I asked her for a date after this, she said she had plans already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it pretty clear she is not interested, whatever the reason may be. That means it's a pretty bad idea to actively try to get &quot;another shot&quot;. She's decided what she prefers, and she's unlikely to be receptive to attempts to change that, even if you're complimenting her. It also means that she already knows you enjoyed it and are interested in more; you don't need to do anything more to convey it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my primary suggestion would simply be taking that hint, respecting the fact that she's not looking to make further plans with you, and dropping it. Yes, it's not how you wanted it to turn out, but that doesn't justify boundary-pushing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't recommend this, but if you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to try to figure out what went wrong, you could ask her, but you have to keep in mind that she doesn't have any obligations, and be incredibly careful to be respectful. Don't mention the whole &quot;make a move&quot; thing. Just tell her up front that you enjoyed the dates and appreciated the time she spent, but you're &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; trying pressure her into anything, and you're just interested to know if there's anything in particular that kept it from working for her. Do this in a &lt;em&gt;single&lt;/em&gt; message; don't do anything that might come across as badgering her. You're already asking a favor of her by reaching out and asking for a bit more of her time to help you figure it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of this as self-improvement, not angling for a date. Keep in mind that, while you clearly enjoyed the dates and are interested, her experience was likely not the same. Yes, maybe at some point you both were happy about it, but in the end, you're saying glowing things and she's brushing you off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And even after all that, don't be surprised if she still gives you excuses or doesn't respond. She may (justifiably) feel it's in her interests to avoid creating drama, and to avoid giving you an opportunity to argue against her reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the quite unlikely event that she actually had plans all those times, and for some reason never made an effort to work something out, but is still interested, then asking her if anything went wrong won't ruin your chances, and you'll eventually discover her views. In the far more likely event that she was trying to gently decline additional dates, you'll quickly confirm that, and you can drop it and avoid pushing her boundaries any further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2798" LastEditorUserId="2798" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T15:03:14.873" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T15:03:14.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1775" CreationDate="2018-02-03T05:47:39.843" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask him for a &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; big favor -- like borrowing (from him) the amount of a down payment for a car (for you).  Keep the total amount of the favor to about half of what you've done for him in the past.  If he says no or that he can't right now, dump him.  Unfortunately, you'll never get a penny/cent back from him for all the help you've given him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps he thinks you're &lt;em&gt;so&lt;/em&gt; impressed with him, that you just naturally want to do him favors as a sort of hero-worship, and that no payback should be expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or I could be wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T05:47:39.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10064" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10065" CreationDate="2018-02-03T11:42:34.667" Score="0" ViewCount="372" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a general problem of saying 'no' to people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when my friends ask me to go out with them, but I don't want to, &lt;br&gt; or when my colleagues ask me to do extra work that I don't want to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems I can't say 'No' to anyone.&#xA;How can I say &quot;No&quot; to them without hesitation and without hurting them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12358" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T13:13:44.193" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T13:29:21.973" Title="How to say &quot;No&quot; without any hesitation and discomfort" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-02-03T13:14:09.480" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10064" CreationDate="2018-02-03T12:46:13.003" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to work on being more in control of your own feelings and to not worry so much about how others will think of you - don't give people that much control over how you feel.  It is very hard to do and takes a lot of practice and perhaps some talk therapy with someone you trust, e.g. a therapist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Truly, this is a psychological problem in assertiveness that you can study and improve over time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The interpersonal skills part of this is trivial, once you work out the deeper issue of being in control of your feelings.  Then you will be able to say, &quot;no, thanks&quot; or &quot;no, I really can't&quot; much more confidently, instead of worrying about appeasing everyone around you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With more training and experience, you might find that you can even anticipate ahead of time when certain people around you are going to ask you of something for which you want to say, &quot;no&quot;, and you'll already know how to answer them with assertiveness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, if your friend asks,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Nitu, are you coming out with us tonight?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you can say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No, but thanks for offering.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask again, you can say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No, thanks, I'm not really up for it.  Have fun, though, and thanks for the invite.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember: the interpersonal skills part of this, i.e. how to communicate your way of saying &quot;no&quot; is not nearly as important as first understanding why you let others have so much control over how you feel, and then, regaining that control, with practice and reflection.  Focus on the core issues.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T13:29:21.973" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T13:29:21.973" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10039" CreationDate="2018-02-03T13:36:34.270" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A six-year-old kid is a bit old for the whole constant &quot;no&quot; thing.  I don't know what more to say on that, but he should be more reasonable by this age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever rules and boundaries you decide to set, it is vital to get the other adults on board with it.  Talk with the other adults, especially the kid's parent(s), regarding what behavior you expect from the kid regarding your stuff and your space.  Then the kid's parent(s) should have a conversation with the kid regarding what the rules are, so that the kid can know the rules and also know that there are other adults in his life who are intent on enforcing them.  Then afterwards there should be consistency across all the adults in the household regarding enforcing and enforcement of those rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also want to consider spending less time at the house.  Your college is likely to have many good study spots, and you may find studying there to be more productive than studying at home for reasons beyond just the six-year-old reason you've described.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(The way you pose your question, parts of it may also benefit from attention at Parenting Stack Exchange if you are unable to find satisfactory answers here.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3239" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T13:36:34.270" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10067" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-03T13:43:59.213" Score="4" ViewCount="965" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently broke up with her, and it wasn't very peaceful. I am sure that she was somehow trying to cheat me. After a day of silent treatment (we don't see each other a lot, we chat via Internet), I told her that I can NOT bear the thought and we need to separate at once. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following my anger, I didn't read what she said and instantly deleted all her messages, blocked her on my social networks and ever since trying to forget her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, my friends told me that she somehow threatened to kill herself &quot;if he (me) doesn't come back&quot;. It is obvious that if God-forbidden she ever does that, I'll be in deep trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the things I considered, which they don't work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Calling her family.&lt;/strong&gt; Strictly impossible. The situation here (Iran) is way more complicated than you think it is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Calling her friends.&lt;/strong&gt; She isn't very social and as far as I know, she doesn't have more than 1 or 2 close friends and I don't know them and I suppose they don't, either.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talking to her.&lt;/strong&gt; No way, until I'm sure that she's serious about her decision.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do I do now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About seeking professional considerations:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I already tried to consider a psychologist, but he refuses to help unless he can talk to my ex, which is not possible at this moment. She doesn't answer to strangers' messages. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S.: English is not my first language, there might be mistakes in this text. I hope you forgive my mistakes :-).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9072" LastEditorUserId="9072" LastEditDate="2018-02-04T08:40:11.700" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T08:40:11.700" Title="Dealing with ex-girlfriend suicide threat" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;suicide&gt;&lt;iran&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-02-03T14:49:53.060" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10002" CreationDate="2018-02-03T13:52:46.957" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In your question you ask how to communicate that you'd like to go on another date. You've already communicated that. When you ask someone on another date there is a strong implicature that you want to go on another date with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your real question is &quot;How can I go on another date with this person?&quot; There's nothing you can do to increase the odds of that happening.  If you've suggested multiple dates and she always has plans. Then it's likely that she isn't interested in another date with you and is trying to let you down gently. Continuing to ask her isn't going to get her to say &quot;yes&quot; though it will be increasingly annoying. If you like this person I'd suggest not being annoying, and treat the situation as if she has explicitly shot you down unless provided explicit evidence to the contrary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T15:29:48.683" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T15:29:48.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10067" CreationDate="2018-02-03T14:09:20.403" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This does not at all feel like an interpersonal question but as I sympathize with your sense of urgency and the delicacy of the situation I will toss in some advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following was grabbed from &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Iran Organization of Well Being (&lt;a href=&quot;http://moshaver.behzisti.ir/page.aspx?id=1480&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://moshaver.behzisti.ir/page.aspx?id=1480&lt;/a&gt;) has provided the free and governmental hotline, 1480, by which the specialists give different types of consultations for a variety of problems such as marriage, family, youths and children, suicide,etc. to those in need. this hotline is open from 6 am till 9 pm everyday and its services are reached from all provinces of Iran.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no experience on how they conduct things but the Wikipedia summary makes it look promising, seeking expertise and assistance from there definitely seems like your best bet right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good solution in general for this type of situation is to find the right resources with more experience than yourself to utilize (helplines, professionals, institutions, etc) especially when you fear that someone's life is concerned. No doubt you will get much better help from one of these located in your country than you ever could from us here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4022" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T14:09:20.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10073" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10075" CreationDate="2018-02-03T16:51:58.587" Score="10" ViewCount="864" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do some in-home tutoring, and this sometimes means working in a family space. However, as a tutor, I also have to create a professional setting that allows the kid to focus and recognize they're working, not just hanging out at their dining room table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most parents get that and allow the space to be created, e.g. by chilling in the next room or working silently. But others will walk through with young siblings (very distracting!), put on a loud movie, come in and tousle the kid's hair, or urge them to do something that I don't particularly need but they see as the basics of hospitality: &quot;How can you not have gotten your tutor a glass of water?&quot; and so on. In one case, a parent has brought a kid to tears with scolding during a lesson. We lost a lot of time recovering from the disruption.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a few years of experience tutoring now, but I'm still not great at asserting the professional boundaries of a lesson. It's hard to overrule the fact that it's their house, their kid, and their money. Plus I'm young, being in my mid-twenties. (To be clear, these are objections I consider, not that I've been told. I rarely broach the subject.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate that despite those things, I need to set the ground rules?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="475" LastEditorUserId="475" LastEditDate="2018-02-03T17:08:44.130" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T03:03:54.160" Title="How to talk to parents who undermine tutoring" Tags="&lt;canada&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9798" CreationDate="2018-02-03T17:24:39.700" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question has one extremely confusing element in it&lt;STRONG&gt;:&lt;/STRONG&gt; You mention:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My partner&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;my best friend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that as if these are three different people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason this seems confusing is that how this is supposed to work is that the person you permanently unite with is supposed to be your best friend.  So, &quot;my best friend&quot; and &quot;my partner&quot; should not be different people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's not the case, then focus more on that relationship until that person is your best friend and in a position worthy of the title &quot;partner&quot;.  Until then, consider the person to be someone you are dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people get married, the ideal is for them to marry their best friend.  If you're not at that point yet, the person hasn't yet reached the status of being your primary &quot;life partner&quot; yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you do use the term &quot;life partner&quot;, but then refer to the other person as your &quot;best friend&quot;, then your very language proves that there is plenty of cause for confusion and jealousy on the part of the person who you have been calling your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Solution: Get things straightened out in your own mind, first.  Before you do that, nothing else is likely to work out nicely.  Also, the situation you describe is problematic.  Rectifying this is likely to take time, and cause feelings to be hurt for at least one person, which is the person that takes on a lesser role in your life (to make room for the person you pursue as a life partner).  Expect such pain.  (Realize that relationships can be complicated.  That is why emotional pain is an expected result from this type of scenario.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you pursue avoidance of pain, that will lead you in different directions than pursuing a stronger and healthier situation, which will cause more pain (rather quickly, or eventually).  So make sure you decide you will make the choices that are smart, and not just settle for whatever option seems like might minimize unpleasantness in the short term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T17:24:39.700" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10073" CreationDate="2018-02-03T18:40:35.330" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tinkeringbell's question is instructive. The best way to create a professional space is to set rules at the outset. Most people will accept this as an appropriate part of the process and respect them, either in whole or at least substantially. It will be harder to modify current circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first, delineate what rules you think should be in place. And explain those to the parents (who are presumably paying for the tutoring?) at the outset for new students. Even if the parents aren't paying &amp;amp; it's a matter of students living at home, but paying out of their own pocket for tutoring - you should still try to make polite, but firm requests up front to enlist their co-operation in maintaining a more effective tutoring environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For existing clients, there is no magic formula for asking parents for their help in improving the study space. The hardest part is broaching the subject at all, so pick a time and just discuss the issue with the parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to reinforce the most basic ground rules by printing a simple sheet about your tutoring. Nothing complicated or with a lot of detailed rules. Just some general information about your tutoring and include a few statements to the effect that effective tutoring needs to have space set aside to teach and study with a minimum of interruptions and noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Changing the ground rules on the fly will depend a lot on the parent's not contradicting or undermining your efforts to set boundaries, so try to get them on side beforehand and navigate the minefields with as much tact and patience as you can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How much existing clients will buy into this will vary. It probably won't be as effective as setting rules at the outset would have been. But it's likely to improve the existing environment to some degree. But you can ask Brian to play with you over by the playhouse &amp;amp; Jane can answer your questions when she's done.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition you might consider asking if there is an alternate room; study, den, spare bedroom, etc where you might be away from most of the noise and most interruptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T06:13:05.757" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T06:13:05.757" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10076" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10077" CreationDate="2018-02-03T20:11:17.053" Score="12" ViewCount="2309" Body="&lt;p&gt;I enjoy &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bibimbap&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;bibimbap&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In American Korean restaurants, bibimbap is typically served as a large bowl of rice with individual portions of each topping arranged over it, &lt;a href=&quot;https://23991-presscdn-pagely.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/bibimbap-recipe-fp.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;like so&lt;/a&gt;.  The traditional way to eat it is to slather it in &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gochujang&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;sauce&lt;/a&gt;, then thoroughly mix it all together, resulting in a &lt;a href=&quot;https://thecozyapron.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/spicy-garlic-beef-bibimbap_thecozyapron_social.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;fried rice-like mixture&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer not to eat my bibimbap this way - I find that I typically can't eat an entire restaurant serving of bibimbap at a sitting, that when I mix everything together it has too high a proportion of rice for my taste, and that if I add enough sauce to keep the rice from being boring, the dish ends up being unpleasantly gloppy and over-sweet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I generally treat it like a stir fry - lightly dress the toppings in sauce, mix them together while leaving the rice underneath alone, and eat bites of rice with toppings.  By the time I've eaten all the toppings, I've typically eaten about half of the rice - this is about as much as I can eat before I'm full anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that this frequently results in the wait staff at Korean restaurants returning to my table after I've begun eating and informing me that I am not eating my bibimbap properly, under the (not unreasonable) assumption that I just don't know what I'm doing (I am white).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently went to a Korean restaurant with some friends (Korean-American and Chinese-American).  While deciding what to order, I semi-jokingly said, &quot;Man, I want bibimbap, but I always get yelled at for eating it wrong.&quot;  My friends encouraged me to go for it.  Think, &quot;heck with 'eating it wrong,' it's your food, do what you want!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus affirmed, I ordered bibimbap, started to eat it in my heretical way, and sure enough, our waiter returned to correct me.  I nodded along, half-heartedly mixed in the top centimeter or so of my rice in the hopes that he'd be placated, and gave my friends an &quot;I-told-you-so&quot; look as he walked away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, I would like to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid coming off as disrespectful to Korean cuisine and culture, and not adopt an I-know-better-than-you attitude toward the staff.  I am concerned that the obvious solution (just telling the wait staff that I prefer to eat it my way) would communicate this kind of disrespect. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If possible, avoid having wait staff return to correct my behavior, as I find this awkward and embarrassing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If possible, continue to eat my bibimbap the way I like (but if this is inconsistent with the previous two goals, c'est la vie).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way I can accomplish these goals simultaneously?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12377" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditorDisplayName="user12377" LastEditDate="2020-03-06T09:01:22.913" LastActivityDate="2020-03-06T15:21:42.627" Title="I'm a bibimbap heretic - can I eat my food the way I want without coming off as disrespectful?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;eating&gt;&lt;korea&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10076" CreationDate="2018-02-03T20:38:38.117" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;To start with, if your &lt;em&gt;top&lt;/em&gt; priority is to avoid being corrected, which is the impression I got from the question, then there's not much you can do while continuing to eat exactly the way you like &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; not coming off as rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, here are a few suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could &lt;em&gt;order&lt;/em&gt; it in a manner that makes it clear how to you want to eat, similar to ordering eggs &quot;very dry&quot; or something. For example, &quot;One order of bibimbap. And could I have the sauce on the side please? I prefer not to mix it all together.&quot; I can't see most people being offended by a customer expressing some preferences for their order that aren't too onerous, and they might gather from this how you like to eat your bibimbap (and thus not criticize you). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;To try a slightly different method, you could try eating it the standard way, but fix some of the problems you have. It sounds to me like you don't like the quantity of sauce or rice. So why not try ordering it with less sauce or rice, and seeing if you can then mix everything together and still enjoy the dish? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try eating at the same restaurant more than once! If you do that, the servers will start to recognize you, and they'll understand that you just like to eat your food differently. Eventually the comments should stop naturally. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, to be honest, I'd simply take the advice the way it's meant. The servers are probably trying to do you a favor by explaining the &quot;correct&quot; way of eating it. &lt;strong&gt;They almost certainly are not offended that you're eating it differently (I'd find it odd if they were, since it doesn't affect them).&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd just take the advice, thank them for it, and explain that I just like it better that way. Unless you've found a particularly purist restaurant, I'd be slightly shocked if the servers were hurt by that. But just in case, throw in a compliment to the food or chef&amp;mdash;e.g. &quot;The food is really good.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4320" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T20:38:38.117" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-02-03T23:13:25.717" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to buck the trend a bit with something that might be unpopular.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should &lt;strong&gt;tell her as soon as possible&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;(I.e. on your next date - not right this second.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to find that &lt;em&gt;the harder it is to tell someone something, the more important it is to tell them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To examine some of the likely scenarios:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you tell her now and she has a problem with it, then you'll both be upset for a while but you'll move on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you wait until you're a lot closer and she has a problem with it, then it's going to hurt a lot more for both of you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you tell her later and she's fine with it, then that's good.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you tell her now and she's fine with it, then it's a weight off your shoulders and she'll be able to understand some of your behaviours better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might not know what aspergers is, in which case you'll have to explain it to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to keep the explanation brief and not go too far into detail, otherwise you run the risk of making it seem like the entire date was just about you having aspergers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you're done explaining, ask her if she has any questions and reassure her that you won't be offended, that way it's a two-way conversation and she'll fell like you're including her rather than dumping something major on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting her to ask questions is also a good way to find out what she's like. For example some of her questions might be driven by concern, which shows she's &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; a caring person. If she's more concerned about if it impacts your job then it &lt;em&gt;may be&lt;/em&gt; a hint that she's more interested in your wallet. (These are generalisations, so bear them in mind but don't rely on them alone.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Importantly, when she doesn't have any more questions, move on to a different topic to make sure that isn't the only thing she remembers about the evening.&#xA;You might want to ask her once at the end something along the lines of &quot;So you're ok with the whole aspergers thing? I'm sorry if it was a bit of a shock.&quot; (i.e. ask her how she feels and sound reassuring).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully if she's not ok with it that will be the point where she says &quot;Actually I don't think we should see each other again&quot;, but most likely she will just say &quot;Yeah, it's not a problem, don't worry about it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to make sure you only ask her that she's ok with it once or twice. If you keep asking she might start to worry that it is a big deal or that you're insecure and looking for someone to cling to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastEditorUserId="2078" LastEditDate="2018-03-07T20:02:52.310" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T20:02:52.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10082" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-02-03T23:40:04.803" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't use the diagnosis term, because labels are for cans, as someone noted above. They just lump people together who share some symptoms, and they're NOT all alike. Instead, when you're talking about a possible future date location, you could say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't go to amusement parks because the noise and flashing lights really bother me.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA; &quot;How about (some activity you'd enjoy that you can do together, like a hike or bike ride, or miniature golf,or..or or.) &quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be very concrete about what you have trouble with.  My wife got a concussion a few years ago, and got in the habit of telling people, &quot;Please don't take it personally, but I had a concussion and I have a terrible time remembering names.&quot; The most common reply  was, &#xA;&quot;I &lt;em&gt;didn't&lt;/em&gt; have a concussion.  What's my excuse?&quot;&#xA;Relax, be nice, be yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12381" LastActivityDate="2018-02-03T23:40:04.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10083" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-04T00:45:38.827" Score="3" ViewCount="727" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend (of 4 years), whom I'll call 'Barb', is in medical school and currently lives with a friend of hers, 'Nance', who is in the same medical program. Their lease will end in a few months. &#xA;Barb and I want to live together next year, but are concerned for what that would mean for Nance. Nance's family does not have a lot of money, which is why she wanted to save money by living with someone in the first place.  We are worried that finding another roommate will be difficult, and the extra cost of living by herself will create additional financial strain on Nance's family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Barb will be talking to Nance about this sometime in the near future, but feels uneasy, specifically:&#xA;How should she approach the topic, and how can she make it clear she's already made a decision without burning bridges with Nance, who she may still see occasionally while they are in the program?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12384" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T16:05:18.377" Title="How to tell roommate about planning to live with someone else" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-02-04T00:47:45.043" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When she knows you're pretty normal. So not on date #1, but after like 3-4 weeks of dating/texting (or, if you don't text much and see each other just once a week, perhaps 5-6 weeks) when she knows you're not super socially inept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Bring it up when you are (reasonably) private and have some time. She will have questions, and it might be best to talk about something else afterwards to end the date on a different note. A restaurant might be a good place. Wait for a normal time to change the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to say&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You could say &lt;em&gt;&quot;By the way, you should know I'm actually diagnosed with Asperger's. Thought I should tell you early, so.. :)&quot;.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She'll probably be a little surprised, and either doesn't really know what to say, or ask &lt;em&gt;&quot;how does that affect your life?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; (or something similar). If she doesn't really know what to say, explain anyway. Skip the theory and give examples. Just like two main things, not an exhaustive list! If there more, even if it's important, it should probably wait for another time so long as it's not urgent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example of mine is: &lt;em&gt;&quot;For example, I find new situations, like going to a new school the first time, more difficult to deal with than most people because I have to learn how to act. It's not as automatic for me.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12385" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2018-02-04T06:34:36.220" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T06:34:36.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10085" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10087" CreationDate="2018-02-04T02:07:36.537" Score="3" ViewCount="1443" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I'll be talking with someone who will slip an &amp;quot;indirect&amp;quot; compliment into the conversation.  Two examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) I was visiting my doctor for a somewhat &amp;quot;childish&amp;quot; (for lack of a better word) medical problem -- something that some people would associate with immaturity.  At one point, we had this exchange:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: [Says something rather polite]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doctor: You know, my [medical issue I'm there for] patients are always the most mature ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) This one is a little fuzzy and I might be misremembering, but it's still a good example.  I was in my high school's computer programming club, and I was talking with the club adviser (who was also the only CS teacher at the school) about something I'd coded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: It was a little easier than I thought it would be.  [Note: This was only intended as a comment about my prediction of how hard it would be, not about my skill level.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adviser: [Smiling] Well, some people just have a natural gift for this sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both of these examples, I responded by laughing awkwardly, perhaps muttering &amp;quot;thanks&amp;quot;, and looking around the room until the conversation rebooted.  I feel that that was somewhat rude, as though I rejected their compliments.  However, the only alternatives I see are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(a) Accept the compliment as I would any other, with a phrase like &amp;quot;thanks, I try&amp;quot;.  This feels clumsy to me, because all the other person technically said was a neutral comment (&amp;quot;some people do this, some people do that&amp;quot;) and I would be treating it like a comment about me in particular.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(b) Verbally acknowledge that &amp;quot;You have complimented me&amp;quot;, and then move on to a normal reply to the compliment.  This feels wrong as well, because stating &amp;quot;you have complimented me&amp;quot; (or worse, repeating a part of the compliment) would, I think, come off as bragging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I have somehow acknowledged that the thing they said was intended as a compliment at me?  If so, how?  &lt;strong&gt;What is the gracious way to accept compliments like these?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2228" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T07:08:37.040" Title="How to gracefully accept an implied/indirect compliment?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10083" CreationDate="2018-02-04T02:08:54.587" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short Answer:&lt;/strong&gt; While being concerned for Nance's wellbeing is important, the thing to remember is that you and Barb are not responsible for her or her financial security.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you and Barb have been together for 4 years, it was no doubt obvious to Nance that one day you would want to live together.  If she's training to be a doctor then she's no fool and wouldn't be oblivious to this fact.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Getting it straight between you and Barb&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly you need to make sure that you and Barb are absolutely on the same page on this.  The last thing you both need as you take the big step of living together is to have a discord over Nance hanging over your heads.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Talking to Nance&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When Barb talks to Nance, she should be straight with the facts.  She should NOT be apologising for moving out; she simply should say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Olynx and I have been together now for 4 years, and have decided to take the next step in our relationship.  When the lease here ends, we will start living together.  I understand that means that you may need to find another roommate, and it's important that Olynx and I take this step together for our relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of all, you need to remember that neither you nor Barb have to justify this decision to Nance.  You are not responsible for Nance, even though of course you are concerned for her financial future without Barb helping to pay the rent.  You can offer to help her find another roommate, but again you aren't responsible for this either.  You should however speak to her as soon as possible to give time for her to make other arrangements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this sounds inflexible, but otherwise you are putting your relationship behind the needs of a third person.  This is a bad idea for any relationship, so she needs to be firm that this is a decision that as an adult is hers to make, and as an adult it is Nance's to make alternative arrangements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8641" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T16:05:18.377" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T16:05:18.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10087" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10085" CreationDate="2018-02-04T02:45:36.600" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have had great success with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll take that as a compliment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Followed by a grin that suggests perhaps I'm being a little cheeky in taking a compliment where it might not have been intended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People pretty much always smile and say something positive when I do that. I've also used it when people say things that could be taken as positive or negative, like &quot;you've given me a lot to think about&quot; or &quot;this meeting has turned everything upside down&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be a very rare person who would respond by contradicting you that they didn't intend to be nice at all. Although your adviser comes close in supporting the myth of &quot;natural gifts&quot; for things instead of replying something like &quot;when you prepare for a challenge it's common to find it pretty easy&quot; which acknowledges the work you probably put in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T02:45:36.600" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10089" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-04T04:20:32.867" Score="18" ViewCount="2594" Body="&lt;p&gt;Long story short, I've gained over 50 pounds in the 3 years since graduating high school, and I'm sick of seeing myself in the mirror.  I would eat food until I felt like a bloated balloon, and then maybe one or two more bites, and I didn't notice this until a few weeks ago.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now instead of eating 2-3 plates of food for dinner, I've cut back to 1 (2 if I'm particularly hungry).  My GF has noticed, and is consistently mentioning that &quot;You need to eat more anyway.&quot; When we go out to eat, she purposefully orders more food than she can eat, and tells me that I need to eat it.  If I don't finish it for her or chuck it in the trash, she gets VERY upset with me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely tell her that I'm not as hungry as I used to be?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12386" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-12T16:51:59.437" LastActivityDate="2019-03-20T21:34:40.597" Title="How do I tell my girlfriend that I do not need to eat more?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10092" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10118" CreationDate="2018-02-04T07:02:26.103" Score="3" ViewCount="2019" Body="&lt;p&gt;Next year I will be living with 3 other people in a 2-person paired dormitory on our university campus. Two I have known since high school, but the third is my current roommate, lets call him Ralph, who I get along well with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I have one more friend from high school who was planning to live with people he knew, but they backed out on him and if things stay the same he will be matched with a random roommate. He now wishes to take the place of Ralph so it would just be my 3 high school friends and I.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I do believe it is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; inconsiderate to ask a future roommate to leave, there are several conditions I believe make this permissible. Firstly, Ralph made friends with others on campus, and he considered living with them until deciding to join us (his would be space is occupied by a random person). This decision was probably tied into his wish to take his academics seriously, somewhat unlike his other friend group. He also does not know 2 his other friends (not mine) he could took with  well, but would likely only share a bathroom with them instead of a sleeping space he would share with the friend he knows. Also, he stated while my high school friends and I were looking for apartments that if we chose one over a dormitory he would simply room with his friends as he didn't want his priority of saving money to influence our decision. He has remarked that while he will live with us, he will spend the majority of his time with his friends in their dorm, which is housed in the same building as ours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Compounded onto this, my friends from high school, while friends with Ralph, have made clear that they do not want to room with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My high school friends now want me to ask Ralph to change his room assignments from us to his other friends. I want to emphasize that it is his choice, and he should not feel pressured. I definitely don't want to state a reason I am asking him to leave is because my friends do not want to room with him and I also do not want to guilt him into leaving because my high school friend has to room with random people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should my conversation with him go? What points should I bring up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2190" LastEditorUserId="2190" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T02:05:47.443" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T02:36:10.980" Title="How to ask future roommate to leave room?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10093" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10039" CreationDate="2018-02-04T07:39:33.057" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know it's not a full answer to your question, but a tip that has helped me and may help you in some situations - like the one where you mentioned asking him to go downstairs today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially try not to make a singular demand, but offer two options. Something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm very busy with homework and I need you to either play quietly or go and play downstairs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you make a demand, he's going to feel like he's not doing what he wants to do, but if you make an offer you can make him feel like he's had some autonomy in the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's more if he stays and continues to be noisy, you can then ask him to go downstairs. Showing him that if he pushes your boundaries, there are consequences.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12391" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-04T09:38:09.077" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T09:38:09.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8123" CreationDate="2018-02-04T09:09:22.943" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;What really stands out is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She recently called me on the phone in the morning of my volunteering day and said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;I need to take my mother-in-law for a medical checkup so I will be an hour late getting to work. Would you give the counselling for the first few clients?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I have no qualification or training in counselling and said that I couldn't possibly counsel the clients. She did come late and the clients were kept waiting. Later she accused me of not seeing her as a &amp;quot;real person.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;You could easily have given the clients that counselling... I am so rarely in need of your help and my mother-in-law had to see this doctor. We will all have such unavoidable situations. I don't think you even see me as a real person with real problems!&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was quite surprised and asked her what she meant. She said that I was politely formal and aloof with her and never seemed to recognize her personal identity; I was not particularly warm in interaction nor interested in her family matters; nor even considerate of her occasional need for help such as when she had to take a family member to the doctor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She calls you to ask 'Would you like to do work you are unqualified for, to offer poor service to our clients, to do my job and your own on short notice because I plan poorly and can't manage my schedule?&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You replied that you do not wish to do that, but neglect to thank her for interrupting what you were doing, at least you had a good reason for denying her demand (because if you can only answer yes then it's not &amp;quot;Would you?&amp;quot;, but &amp;quot;You will.&amp;quot;, a demand and not a question at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's a medical checkup, she knew about it in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She probably knows your role and qualifications.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She ought not to have made conflicting appointments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's not your fault, as you've mentioned you don't interrogate her nor are you all knowing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What if you called in sick or were away from the phone, whatever would she do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why didn't she simply call some random number and ask that person to do the work for free, how is that any different. Why doesn't her husband do the work or either of them hire someone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You shouldn't feel guilt, and she does seem unreal.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still this is something you wish to address and not dismiss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your explanation to us (at StackExchance) seems adequate, can't she accept such an explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Involving the office manager in your discussion will:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Communicate the importance of your interaction to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ensure that she doesn't later suggest that you tried to have a &amp;quot;one-dimensional and uninvolved view of&amp;quot; her - assuming we know what that means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Show respect for the &amp;quot;social and cultural atmosphere&amp;quot;, and her husband.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ensure that the manager is onboard and aware of conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to see her as some dynamic and multi-dimensional individual, the master of her destiny, the mentor to Mother Teresa, a Deity, someone you want to befriend, &lt;strong&gt;she&lt;/strong&gt; needs to do her part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe her own friends and family need to support her better or she needs to council herself and obtain better coping skills than to lash out at an unpaid volunteer, someone already spending all day helping her and others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I eventually convince her that I was positively influenced by what she said, and am now trying to 'see her as a real person'?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply tell her that what she said has positively influenced you, that you will go to lunch and discuss plans to spend more time with her after work, that you want to get to know the real Alice - everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How will that be received?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think her negativity has influenced you to make a poor choice, to blame yourself after being manipulated. To both refuse to accept that you were duped by a woman and to feel a manly need to be protective of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her husband she asks you to replace him and she must not again - then perhaps she will not. Otherwise, as I mentioned, go against everything and explore her, the real Alice. I advise against that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T09:09:22.943" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10095" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10089" CreationDate="2018-02-04T09:52:33.220" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not knowing anything about your relationship (including your relationship with your girlfriend and your relationship with yourself) it will be hard for anyone to give you any fool-proof advice here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you should likely wait until the next time this series of events begins (aka, next time y'all are out to eat for dinner or something) and, when it comes time to leave (aka throw away the extra entree she ordered for you!), in a manner and tone that lets her know this is important to you while simultaneously signals your appreciation for her concern, explain that you have made a decision to reverse a trend that has been going on for the past three years and you would greatly appreciate her help in making positive improvements rather than her acting as a medium through which you can be tempted to reverse this positive change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say to signal your appreciation for her concern because the scenario you laid out sounds rather likely that she is simply concerned that someone she has known for X amount of time to eat 3 plates of food one day starts eating 1 plate of food without any warning or explanation or other apparent reasoning. You would have a bigger problem if your significant other &lt;em&gt;did not&lt;/em&gt; notice or have anything to say when one day you start eating approximately 66% less food than usual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are a larger individual and if she also is a larger individual, it is conceivable (not guaranteed, but within the realm of possibility), that she has noticed and worries she'll wake up one day and you'll have a new, slimmer physique, and subsequently there may be a risk of her losing you. If this is even remotely possible to be the case, &lt;em&gt;do not by any means&lt;/em&gt; suggest anything along the lines of her joining you in the endeavor. That will = sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. Rather, you may consider emphasizing how much you need support with this and then hope she comes up with the idea to join you in your food reduction plan! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck to you either way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3640" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T09:52:33.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10096" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-04T05:08:15.993" Score="1" ViewCount="521" Body="&lt;p&gt;In our science class at school we have allocated seats. I asked the teacher if I could change where I am because the people around me were distracting me. She said yes and now I’m moving to the back. But I’m worried the old people I used to sit with will think I’m a snob because I swapped seats. How do I tell them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="Emma Thompson" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-04T10:16:13.477" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T14:25:19.090" Title="How do I tell the classmates I sat next to that I swapped seats?" Tags="&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9909" CreationDate="2018-02-04T10:55:20.273" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I lived in foreign language cultures, too. Universally, I learned cultures in Arabic, Japanese, Russian, Ukrainian, and French are all very forgiving if you do not speak perfectly their language. Often, others speak my Native American language and we each speak the others’ tongue and we understand by overlap of common words. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Americans and Brits and Aussies and Kiwis are no different. A critical part of learning is trial and error. In professional circles, I fully expect those you meet will enjoy speaking with you at an intermediate level. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I encourage you to watch Lydia Machova’s lecture, “10 Things Polyglots do Differently.” Primarily, they do not mind making errors in discourse as they learn a new language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe the awkwardness originates from others recognizing a language barrier exists (at some level.) Western culture deals with such things by joking and reducing potentially embarrassing things to lesser importance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To alleviate any awkwardness, you must be the first to make light of your language skills. Here are some jokes I have used in the past that get laughs and open the door to freely flowing dialogue and even some language tips:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please excuse me. I cannot speak English well on Tuesdays. &#xA;I am not yet fluent in English. But, what you are saying is very interesting. I’ve never heard that about monkeys. (When they were not talking about monkeys at all.) Pause with a serious look for a moment then smile and laugh. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have fun! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12392" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T10:55:20.273" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10098" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-04T11:57:16.847" Score="1" ViewCount="195" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is a small context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am talking to my peers or my other colleagues either on mobile phone or through a messaging system&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me : Hi Ruby&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ruby : Yes &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me : ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ruby : ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything seems to be fine. But, that 'Yes' sounds a little authoritative to me. And I feel a little offended about it. Somehow I feel that it is rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the roles are reversed, I say, 'Hi Ruby. Please tell me.' &#xA;I was wondering if that 'Yes' is rude? Am I overthinking? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12234" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T12:20:56.970" Title="Saying 'Yes' while initiating a telephonic or messaging conversation" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-02-04T14:48:17.960" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10098" CreationDate="2018-02-04T12:20:56.970" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're overthinking this. In this context, it is pretty much the same as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;go on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is an acknowledgement that they heard you basically. Basically, you first send a greeting to get their attention, they respond that you now have their attention, and then you can go on with what you wanted to say. No more than that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T12:20:56.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10100" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10125" CreationDate="2018-02-04T14:11:04.223" Score="9" ViewCount="3826" Body="&lt;p&gt;I went for a drink with my girlfriend yesterday. I don't see her very often - it is a one-hour drive for me, she's coming to my town in a few weeks for her first time. I always spend around 15€ on a drive there (this is quite expensive for average student income in my country).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When there was time to pay the bill, she did not even bother bringing out her wallet and offering paying her share. I would pay anyway. It is not like I am totally broke or completely stingy and raised without manners, but it just bothers me that a &quot;rule of gentleman&quot; is present even when a guy makes less than his girl and is invited by her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not want to look impolite if she thinks about paying in the way that I have mentioned above: &lt;strong&gt;how to politely ask or allude to going dutch on the bill?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12399" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-02-04T18:19:52.823" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T09:49:33.193" Title="How can I ask my girlfriend to share the cost of our dates rather than having to always pay for them myself?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10102" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-04T14:31:53.230" Score="25" ViewCount="57449" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some days ago I went to a concert of the band of a good friend, let's call him Alex. He and his bandmates, invited a lot of friends to support them.&#xA;I know Alex pretty well since we've been working together closely for more than two years now and we also regularly spend our free time together. I know his non-work related friends only loosely.&#xA;Alex and his friends live in a different town about 30-40km away from where I live and even further away from the place where the concert took place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the evening I had a very inspiring and long conversation with a girl, who I didn't know before, let's call her Anna. We talked about a lot of different topics and emerged to a more and more personal level.&#xA;I somehow felt a connection between us. As it got later Anna was texted by her parents who were also in the city, that they are nearby and could take her home by car. We said goodbye and she left almost instantly, without exchanging any contact information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next day, I asked Alex if he knew her, he agreed and redirected me to one of his bandmates who sent me her phone number.&#xA;I wouldn't have asked him if there was a probability of meeting her again somehow, but since she lives so far away it is pretty unlikely that we would meet again.&#xA;I know I should have asked Anna personally for her number but since I am a really shy person and because she left so fast I didn't do it (shame on me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I am unsure about how I should text or call her without being seen as creepy or indecent, because I had to ask someone else for her number.&#xA;Should I talk about the fact that I didn't get the number from her and about who gave it to me? What would be the best way to open a conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to avoid an awkward situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking of writing something like this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, here's Fimbulvetr, I really enjoyed our conversation at the&#xA;  concert. I would really like to repeat that. I really&#xA;  forgot to ask about your number so Alex bandmate XXX gave it to me, I&#xA;  hope that's ok for you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Additional information&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am a guy in my early twenties, she is one year younger than me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This question is set in Germany if it matters&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The distances mentioned are not a problem but obviously too long to meet her again randomly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Update&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just wanted to give you a brief update on my situation. I know this question is almost two months old but nevertheless I think you deserve to know what happened :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It turned out that Alex bandmate had already asked for her consent before giving me her number. So I wrote her a text (thanks to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/8354/laurel&quot;&gt;Laurel&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/12416/phoebe-phoebe&quot;&gt;Phoebe Phoebe&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/11096/davemongoose&quot;&gt;DaveMongoose&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/5494/stian-yttervik&quot;&gt;Stian Yttervik&lt;/a&gt; for your tips). Long story short we've met again and are texting on a daily basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you all for your great ideas, you helped me very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12394" LastEditorUserId="12394" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T12:24:56.433" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T11:48:02.993" Title="How to contact a girl whose number I got from somebody else?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10100" CreationDate="2018-02-04T15:07:47.487" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some cultures and some families just feel like a girl should never pay. In the US I know two girls whom their mother told them a girl should never pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just approach her about going dutch before you leave for the meal or drinks to avoid an awkward situation at the table.  I think it could be as simple as &quot;Would you mind going dutch?&quot;  Don't even say &quot;dutch tonight&quot; - put dutch on the table.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not give your reasons or try to present a case. She is going to go along or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2018-02-04T17:02:26.820" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T17:02:26.820" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-02-04T15:23:36.507" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These people often look hurt when I say that I don't have a mobile number, as if they suspect me of being unwilling to share my mobile number with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, to them that would seem a reasonable assumption, especially if they see you carrying a mobile phone. Specifically, they may think that you may share your mobile number with others, but not with &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, which would be a reason to feel hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To show them that it's not about them, it may help to hand them a &lt;strong&gt;business card&lt;/strong&gt; listing all the ways you deem acceptable to be used by them to contact you: Email address, landline number, maybe postal address. If you want, also include instant message accounts you use from your PC.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When handing out the card, don't draw too much attention towards the fact that it doesn't contain a mobile number, i.e., don't say stuff like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;del&gt;See: There's no mobile number on my business card. Do you now believe me that I don't have one?&lt;/del&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would make it seem like a set-up and they may start to believe that you hand out different business cards to different people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean you have to conceal this, either. Something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't have a mobile number of my own. But here's my card with other ways to reach me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some of them ask why, but I am not comfortable with discussing my reasons with these people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume you'd be comfortable to tell them what you told us:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That the mobile phone you carry is only for your family to reach you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That the mobile phone number is shared with your father's mobile phone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the &quot;family sharing plan&quot; is cheaper than having two separate mobile subscriptions, you may tell them that, too, together with the fact that a subscription of your own wouldn't pay off for you, because you'd use it so sparingly or not at all. &quot;Saving money&quot; is usually a reason people will understand, even if brought up by someone who could easily afford to spend more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people want to know more details than you are willing to give and consider it rude when you don't want to answer, the time has come to, well, &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to &lt;em&gt;be rude&lt;/em&gt;, but to accept to &lt;em&gt;be considered&lt;/em&gt; rude. If you can, stay authentically friendly and polite while declining to go into these details and leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid lying or making misleading statements, especially when that would require more lying or explaining at a later point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12401" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T15:23:36.507" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10107" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10100" CreationDate="2018-02-04T18:51:19.930" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that she invited you. Next time she invites you, you could respond like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, I would love to see you and spend some time with you. My money is tight right now, so I can't afford to travel to [her location] and pay for dinner for both of us. Can we split the cost of dinner, or is there something we can do that doesn't cost much? What I really want is to spend time with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she comes to your town, you have more control over where you go and what you do. Don't go to an expensive restaurant without establishing who will be paying. You can construct a great visit with less expensive options. If she says &quot;I don't want to eat at X, why can't we go to somewhere like Y instead?&quot; you can easily reply&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On a student budget I can't afford to eat there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has a lot of money she may reply that she can pay, or she may suggest another place or agree to the place you suggested. I suppose it's possible at some point that she will think to herself &quot;if Gasper isn't going to take me to expensive restaurants and pay for everything, I don't want to date him&quot; but I only ever met one woman like that in my 50+ years on the planet, and she wasn't looking for long term relationships anyway, just fancy meals in expensive restaurants. My point is if you are broken up with over not buying a lot of expensive restaurant meals, it's not much of a loss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, disclaimer. You say 15 euros is a lot for you. If you can't afford &lt;strong&gt;any&lt;/strong&gt; of the traditional date activities, not even some street food or 5 euros admission to something, then it's going to be really hard to construct activities the two of you can do on your dates. She may not be interested in sitting home and watching TV (or Netflix on the laptop or whatever) because it's free. You'll need to put some real effort into setting up hikes, visits to parks, going to museums on the free days, going to that cliff top lookout that overlooks the town at sunset, cooking a nice meal at your home and so on to show you're willing to put effort into the relationship, you just don't have cash. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T18:51:19.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10100" CreationDate="2018-02-04T19:25:59.850" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Take your wallet out and put a generous amount on the table to cover half the bill and tip. Don't say anything about your expectations. Then you see the reaction. If she takes it for granted that you pay, and you don't (I wouldn't), then maybe you are better off if she becomes your ex-girlfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were times when the gentleman would pay the bill and expect non-monetary compensation later. These times are over. Men and women are equal, there is no reason for you to pay for everything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There would an exception if one of you joins the other going to some venue mostly to please the other (like if your girlfriend joins you at a football game even though she has not much interest, then you pay for both tickets), or if one of you has a lot more money than the other and picks more expensive places than the other can afford. So if your girlfriend can't afford more than McDonald's and you want to go to a Michelin star restaurant, then you pay. And if the girlfriend has more money, which isn't entirely unheard of, then she can pay. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. &quot;Man pays for everything&quot; is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a status. It's an anomaly. There is no discussion needed to change an anomaly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-02-04T22:28:53.487" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T22:28:53.487" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10102" CreationDate="2018-02-04T21:44:49.123" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suspect that, were a text from someone she doesn't know to show up &lt;strong&gt;without&lt;/strong&gt; an explanation, it would be seen as really creepy.  Here you start the conversation by saying you got the number from XXX, so she knows that someone you both know gave it to you. Also, you identify yourself to her and state how she can recognize you, so she knows it's not just some random person texting her who claims to have her number from a friend..   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Germans as a whole are pretty direct, so I think that this would be OK.  In some cultures where such directness is seen as being rude, then it could cause other problems.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T21:44:49.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-02-04T21:45:38.453" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give the person some ability to make their own judgements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer is inspired by me having seen your name before, and recognizing a sort of pattern to some of your questions.  Each of these have been up-voted to a score of 20 or higher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;A HREF=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4425/how-do-i-respond-when-an-acquaintance-asks-if-im-smart/4430#4430&quot;&gt;How do I respond when an acquaintance asks if I'm smart?&lt;/A&gt; [Don't want to offend] (Sep 22 2017)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;A HREF=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4842/how-can-i-deal-diplomatically-with-a-feminist-neighbor-who-continuously-delivers&quot;&gt;How can I deal diplomatically...?&lt;/A&gt; (Oct 2 2017)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;A HREF=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9852/how-can-i-convincingly-communicate-to-a-friend-that-i-dont-have-a-personal-mo&quot;&gt;How can I convincingly communicate to a friend that I don't have a 'personal' mobile number? [Without them feeling insulted]&lt;/A&gt; Jan 31 2018&#xA;33&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;A HREF=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2587/is-it-rude-to-refer-to-someone-as-he-or-she-in-their-presence/2593#2593&quot;&gt;Is it rude to refer to someone as “he” or “she” in their presence?&lt;/A&gt;&#xA;Aug 26 2017&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;A HREF=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4092/how-to-deal-with-a-religious-relative-who-keeps-assuming-that-i-am-similarly-rel&quot;&gt;How to deal with a religious relative who keeps assuming that I am similarly religious?&lt;/A&gt;&#xA;Sep 17 2017&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;A HREF=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1819/is-it-possible-for-my-friend-to-resume-communication-with-his-unofficial-sister&quot;&gt;Is it possible for my friend to resume communication with his unofficial sister without earning her husband's mistrust?&lt;/A&gt; Aug 15 2017&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Each of these six questions, asked in a period of less than six full months, seems to be focused on worrying about how someone else will be feeling in reaction to what you do.  If you don't like the expected reaction, you hope to have a solution that will cause a different reaction.  The reason I bring up these other questions is that they demonstrate a pattern.  An answer that is restricted to just this one specific question is not going to solve the overall issue. You're bound to have the same root issue cause more headache if you don't deal with the root problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To some degree, you can do this sometimes, perhaps by phrasing things in a way that is more readily understandable.  However, you cannot totally control other people's reactions.  You are allowed to not have anybody else control what you think.  Similarly, you are not allowed to control what somebody else thinks.  If they want to disapprove of a choice you make, they do have that right.  You don't have the right to prevent them from having that right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After speaking with me for few minutes,&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  Friend concludes: OK I'll keep in touch. What's your Whatsapp number?&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  Me: I don't have a mobile number. You can reach me anytime at my home number which you already know.&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  Friend: I seen a mobile phone in your pocket.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing wrong so far.  Then you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: That's my mother's phone. You can reach me on that number too...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sort of opened a can of worms.  This isn't necessarily bad, but there's a better approach, which is to give them less information.  Try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That is not a phone that I receive social calls on.  The best available way to reach me is...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, continuing to analyze things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend: I don't want your mother's mobile number.&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  Me: (smiles stupidly.)&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  Friend (disbelieving): what? You really don't have a mobile number? Everyone has a mobile number. Why you don't have?&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  Me (invents a weak excuse)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop right there.  How this was done needs to be discussed.  You didn't restrict yourself to only true statements.  Never lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you shamefully did, let's look at how to handle this next:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Freind[sic]: ok, be sure to send me your new number when you get it.&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  Presumable next week: Friend: Okay, what is your new number?&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Me&quot;: I ended up actually not getting one.  I also am not getting one.  Here is what you can do...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then provide available options.  If your friend doesn't like that, then deal with that situation.  Either cave (give in), or stand your ground.  Either way, be firm.  Let the person know reality.  Don't try to re-portray things in hopes of avoiding a need to handle the consequences of reality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hypothetical next steps:&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  Friend: But why...&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Me&quot;: Look, understand me.  I'm not going to discuss the reasons now.  [Change discussion]&lt;BR&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the &quot;friend&quot; keeps inquiring about your personal cell phone, lay out your terms: You will discuss other topics, or you will consider such rudeness to be grounds to end the discussion.  Ask your friend to be polite and stop pressing on that topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T21:45:38.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10096" CreationDate="2018-02-04T21:56:13.247" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Too often, people worry about what others think.  I've come to the conclusion that, unless I do something extreme, others don't really think about me all that much.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moving seats in school happens all the time.  Kids' vision changes, so they move to the front.  They don't want to sit somewhere, so they move.  Someone gets bullied, so they need to move.  Someone needs their seat, so the teacher moves them.  This is constant and expected.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That leads me to this: why do you feel you need to tell them? Unless they ask, this is really a non-issue.  And generally they'd only ask if they wanted you sitting with them.  I don't read that in the post, so I make the assumption that they're not good friends of yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That leads to this conclusion: a person that you aren't friends with changes seats in class.  What is your reaction?  Do you want them to move back?  Do you care why they moved?  I suspect the answer is &quot;no&quot;.  And if that's the case, the same applies to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's assume, for a moment, that these folks are your friends.  Assuming you want to be honest with them, an answer like &quot;I wanted to get more out of this class and we were having too much fun together so it was really hard for me to pay attention.  It's not like I moved to a different city..&quot;  would generally suffice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-04T21:56:13.247" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10102" CreationDate="2018-02-04T21:59:26.317" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;Contact Alex or his bandmate again and ask him to forward her &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; number and a brief explanation: you very much enjoyed talking to her at the concert and would like to meet her again if she's interested. (I don't think that's too much to ask for someone you work with - what does it cost him?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you leave the decision whether she wants to be in contact with you to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't mention that you have her number if you're not asked about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastEditorUserId="1798" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T08:56:22.283" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T08:56:22.283" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10102" CreationDate="2018-02-04T22:35:14.983" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would just contact her because really, if she did like you, it will not be creepy to her, it will be welcome. Just be very apologetic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to be calling/texting you but this is the only way I could find how to contact you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can WRITE to her rather than call her, it is more comfortable for her. Write something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know if you remember me, but I met you at X. We had a long conversation about XYZ. I am Alex's friend Xman and I asked him for your  number/email address because I thought you were really nice/cool/great/interesting. I really enjoyed talking to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has a boyfriend already or isn't interested in you, this is probably where she will tell you her &quot;no&quot;—and if she does, OK, NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Don't bug her again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't say you forgot to ask for her number (that sounds like you are pretty dumb)—if she hadn't left so abruptly you would have asked, I guess. I know you think you are rather shy but don't even go there. (Just the fact that you both know Alex and he gave you her number is good advertising.) Tell her you would love to take her out for coffee/lunch and continue your conversation. The trick is to ask to meet her in a nice and  very public place so it doesn't feel creepy to her. If she says ok and  she lives far away, then you offer to go to her town for the day and meet her there. If she doesn't want you to come to her town for some reason, well, she will tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And lastly, I know this is going to sound strange... and somewhat creepy... but take it from an older lady...   girls are really sensitive to smell. If you meet up with her, make sure you are squeaky clean and use a nice after-shave cologne. There is no worse turnoff than a guy who smells like dog breath. If you don't know of any, then ask some girls your age what after-shaves they really like. In my day we used to like English Leather.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12416" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T06:30:24.890" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T06:30:24.890" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10115" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-04T23:39:43.353" Score="4" ViewCount="1291" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently received an angry knock on my door from a neighbor (renters) falsely accusing me of throwing an old newspaper into their front yard. I offered to pull my newspapers from the trash to prove it's not mine but they didn't care to hear my side of the story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They expected me to go out to their yard, pick up their newspaper and throw it in the trash, which (to their anger) I refused to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They came back later that day and I tried to explain that it's not my problem but again they wouldn't hear it. I ended up shutting the door on them. Their response was to throw the newspaper at my door and shout through the door that I shouldn't start problems if I couldn't finish them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I try to reason with these people?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I explain my side of the story if they refuse to hear it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What should I say or do if they come back again?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12413" LastEditorUserId="12413" LastEditDate="2018-02-04T23:50:19.067" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T15:41:06.977" Title="How to deal with neighbors making accusations but won't hear me out?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10116" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10115" CreationDate="2018-02-05T00:00:14.933" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is just a guess, but I guess the newspaper is not really the problem. I guess there were other problems maybe days or weeks ago which upset your neighbors (maybe with reason, maybe not). And after they (in their mind) suffered from your behavior over time now they decided to accuse you directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would think about what other issues might happened in the past which might have upset them. Maybe you can talk to other neighbors what is going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's unlikely that the newspaper was/is the only issue here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like google: &quot;Watzlawick hammer&quot; and you will find an interesting story from a book which reminds me of you situation. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T00:00:14.933" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10115" CreationDate="2018-02-05T00:40:52.360" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a single fallacy that you're having right now: don't convince them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have no need to tell your neighbors about how wrong they are, I seriously doubt they'll even listen. They don't &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to listen. The simple solution is: &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to convince the opposition... you have to be able to convince the crowd. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They can stammer at you for not doing that one thing with their newspaper,  but if it ever escalates, The one you'll have to convince, the officer, the newspaper company, or other official that you're right. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The neighbors may become troublesome and You'll be the one to escalate the situation. In that case, so long as you can show yourself in the right, you'll be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T00:40:52.360" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10092" CreationDate="2018-02-05T02:36:10.980" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You and Ralph currently share a room and (per your comment) have equal standing in it.  Neither of you can kick the other out of the room.  So &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; talk about the room itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather, each of you is trying to form a group of roommates for next year.  Until now your plan has been to both be part of the same group.  He's given you some hints that if you decide to go off and do something else, he can handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given all that, I would approach him with something like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ralph, it turns out that three of my high-school friends will be here next year and we'd all like to room together.  I know you and I talked about rooming together next year, but I'd rather join my other friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This is a new development (&quot;it turns out that...&quot;).  You didn't know about this when you and Ralph started talking.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You're not staking a claim to the current room.  You and your friends might get a different suite or Ralph might leave this one; you're not saying anything about that yet.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You acknowledge that this is a change from your prior conversation.  If you want to soften it, you could add &quot;I'm sorry&quot; in here.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am assuming from the way you've written your question that Ralph has time to make other arrangements; you're not saying this on the night before the registration deadline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Ralph responds with something about how he thought you and he were better friends, you can respond that this isn't about &lt;em&gt;friendship&lt;/em&gt; and you'd still like to keep doing whatever things you currently do together (gaming, movies, whatever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you get past the &quot;who's rooming with whom&quot; part, you and Ralph will need to talk about the current room.  (I'm assuming that current occupants have priority and that rooms aren't all just randomly reassigned each year.)  If he doesn't care then no problem; if he cares strongly about keeping the current room, then you'll have to decide how much &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; care.  You're the person changing agreed-upon plans, so it would be gracious of you to be the one who moves out.  If you feel too strongly about it to do that, then you'll need to flip a coin or come up with some other means to decide. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basis for this answer: I lived in a quad for four years in college with several changes of roommates.  I didn't have your exact situation, but I was part of negotiations over rooms and groupings each year after the first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T02:36:10.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6436" CreationDate="2018-02-05T04:20:12.870" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this is allowed in the UK, but in the US, a referral for a lawyer on a website can earn up to 25% in commission (see &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.lawrex.com/affiliate/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;example&lt;/a&gt; affiliate program).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, this is not to say this was this lawyers's particular motivation. Some websites in specific industries can be very good. They have a good search engine. They contain up-to-date contact information, customer reviews, good articles, and up-to-date licensing information/ reprimand letters.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am aware that you're in the UK, but in the US, we also have the state bar associations websites. And in the US at least, if you want to refer a client in need of a lawyer, but you don't want that person to get ripped off, you refer that person to your local state bar association's website. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did your relative check out the website in question? Can you give us its name? Maybe we can take a closer look at it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T05:00:43.033" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T05:00:43.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10089" CreationDate="2018-02-05T08:06:58.493" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have encountered this behaviour in women on several occasions already. And always by women that are not perfectly slim and fit which was never something that bothered me really. I on my part, especially lately, am very fit and pretty slim and muscular due to sports and healthy food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the last two girls I have been with always said that I looked too slim for them and needed to eat more. This made me think a bit, ask female friends to do research on the matter and all the girls I talked with, and the internet said.... It's simply because of insecurity on the girl's part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a relationship the girl wants to be the &quot;pretty&quot; one. And if the man is objectively more attractive it puts a lot of pressure on them. A pressure they put on themselves mind you. And because you are &quot;closer to the perfect body&quot; then they might be this puts their flaws more out in the open. This is something that is only in their mind sadly. Further they might fear that you get too attractive when you lose your weight and might get flirted with by more girls and might even leave her for a &quot;prettier&quot; one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is to stick with what makes you feel good and healthy, but you should also consider her fears because she sadly cannot do anything about it. So the best course of action you could do is to take a sit with her and talk. Talk about WHY you want to lose weight, and that it will change absolutely nothing between the two of you. And most importantly!! Show her that she is and will be the only one for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will of course take some time until she might get over her anxiety and fears but if you make her feel special and she knows about your motivations her ill feelings will most certainly dissolve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="17333" LastEditDate="2019-03-13T11:34:46.287" LastActivityDate="2019-03-13T11:34:46.287" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10083" CreationDate="2018-02-05T08:12:36.660" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If Jane S answer doesn't feel great for you, you could consider looking for an accomodation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you want is moving in with your GF and she wants that too, but you're concerned about her roommate. You could also ask the roommate if moving to a slightly bigger place (a little increase in the costs, but still less than living on her own) to allow you to move in with them would be ok for her, or if she would rather go on her way from this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking with experience here, it's a good thing to learn to live with your other half, but it's also one to learn how to share some space with a third person, and how to still manage to take time for the two of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10828" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T08:12:36.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10122" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10137" CreationDate="2018-02-05T08:45:33.077" Score="9" ViewCount="14329" Body="&lt;p&gt;Today I read &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/8437/how-do-i-communicate-to-my-husband-that-i-dont-like-oral-sex&quot;&gt;How do I communicate to my husband that I don&amp;#39;t like oral sex?&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am also from India and I really like receiving oral sex. But I have not done it with my girlfriend, since in our culture most girls believe that these types of things should be done only after marriage. We will marry in a few months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After reading the above discussion, I fear that my girlfriend will not like to give oral sex to me. Because I really like it, her unwillingness to perform it might be an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, before our marriage, how do I ask her whether she likes it or not? Even though I have experience with oral sex, I am pretty sure that she does not. So I don't know how to explain it to her and how she can give me a good answer without knowing exactly what it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I fear that if I asked it, she would think that I was going to marry her just because of sex and she may think that I have abnormal likes (If she doesn't know there is a thing called oral sex)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how do I ask my fiancée if she would like to have oral sex?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3412" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T14:08:48.310" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T21:50:04.420" Title="How do I ask my fiancée if she likes oral sex?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10102" CreationDate="2018-02-05T09:16:20.657" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your own suggestion is great - however you really need to explain why you are cold-texting her asap. So move that up. And, since you are already being quite forward, don't be afraid to be direct. And do make sure to include enough information not to be immediately friend-zoned - unless that is your wish (then be ambiguous). So add a compliment and include the word &quot;date&quot;. Here is a suggestion&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, here's Fimbulvetr, we met at that xxx concert. I asked your band mate to give me your number, because I thought you were cute. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can probably chose words yourself here, it is hard to generate a compliment when I have little to go on, but make it a compliment. You can probably make it more specific but don't go all &quot;u had gr8 boobs.&quot; What stood out? What do you remember? Did she have a rare and attractive eye color? Did she have a cute smile? Awesome randy jokes? You pick. Don't make it too complicated is all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really enjoyed chatting with you at the concert. If you want to hang out, go on a date, have a coffee or a drink some time, let me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you should probably delete her number. What is creepy is if you get drunk and decide to become the worlds most charming guy and call her at 4am in the morning. That is uncool. If she wants to hang out, she'll make contact. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5494" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T09:16:20.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10100" CreationDate="2018-02-05T09:49:33.193" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talking about finances can seem like a bit of a 'romance killer', but actually if you are dating someone seriously with a view to a long-term relationship (and I assume you are, otherwise you wouldn't be so concerned with what she thinks of you) then it is a very practical and sensible thing to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is the sort of person that will expect to rely on you financially for the entirety of your relationship then this will reveal itself when you make it apparent you can't pay for every date. On the other hand, if she has a healthy attitude to financial matters then she will actually respect you for being practical with money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd love to come see you this week/month but I can't afford it. It&#xA;  will have to be next week/month, unless you can come this way instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; come up and see you but it will use the last of my spare&#xA;  money and I probably won't be able to see you next week/month. How do&#xA;  you feel about sharing the cost of our dates so that we can see each&#xA;  other more often (or keep seeing each other as often)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just remember that dating is a process whereby you &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; get to know the other person. Whatever comes out of these discussions is good for you in the long run. A decent woman will both understand and appreciate your frugality. In fact just as you are hoping she isn't just interested in spending all your money, a decent woman will be looking for a man that can control his finances too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T09:49:33.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10126" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10122" CreationDate="2018-02-05T09:57:35.443" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a typical part, isn't it? However, talking is the key here. Being from the same culture, I can tell you should not ask it directly as this could endanger the marriage. I'd agree with you when you say this is a very delicate thing and she might think that you're getting married only for sex. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I'd suggest trying this only when the topic of sex comes up during the conversation. Since asking directly is a big no in Indian culture, use a euphemism. So, try asking like &quot;would she like to try going down&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't understand this sentence, you can try a more direct approach, but only during intimate moments as you have already &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10122/how-do-i-ask-my-fianc%C3%A9e-if-she-likes-oral-sex?noredirect=1#comment39795_10122&quot;&gt;said&lt;/a&gt; about getting intimate a couple of times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you can vary these approaches. If she says yes, then it's all good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if she says no, then you should accept it. Maybe she will like to do this in future, but you shouldn't pressurize her. If you can't accept no, then it might be time to consider whether this will break the marriage or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T09:39:32.807" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T09:39:32.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10115" CreationDate="2018-02-05T10:09:26.990" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The two things that you could use against a false accusation are..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Denial&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Proof&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.. and you already used both of these in your initial encounter. You tried to &lt;em&gt;tell him&lt;/em&gt; it wasn't yours and you offered to get your newpapers out of the trash as &lt;em&gt;proof&lt;/em&gt;, but he just spoke over you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the encounter you had was clouded by his anger. Likely he had gone over the encounter in his head a few times before he came to your door. He may not have heard what you said because he either &lt;em&gt;expected&lt;/em&gt; you to deny it and had already decided this would be false, or he just heard what he wanted to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to attempt to put this right you may wish to approach him in a day or two when he has calmed down. He will probably not be expecting this and so hopefully will not be in an angry state of mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to talk to you about what happened the other day. I can&#xA;  understand why someone else's trash in your yard would make you upset,&#xA;  but I want you to know, it really wasn't mine. It wasn't my newspaper&#xA;  and I definitely wouldn't throw trash in someone else's yard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See what he says. Ideally he will accept what you say, and you may even get an apology. However, if he doesn't accept it or becomes hostile again you could just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The fact is that you can ask everybody in this neighbourhood if they&#xA;  saw me throw a newspaper in your yard and you won't find a single one,&#xA;  because I didn't do it. But I bet a few of them saw and heard you&#xA;  throw it at my door. If you come to my home in a threatening manner&#xA;  again or throw anything at my property, I will report you to the&#xA;  police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That really puts things in perspective. &lt;strong&gt;He&lt;/strong&gt; did something wrong when he threw it at your door, and you could likely prove it. But hopefully it won't come to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T10:09:26.990" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10102" CreationDate="2018-02-05T11:37:38.057" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your own suggested text message seems fine. I would make a minor change (I'm not picking on the grammar as I guess it will be written in German and we just have your English translation):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, this is Fimbulvetr from the concert. I really enjoyed our&#xA;  conversation. I got your number via XXX - I hope you&#xA;  don't mind, I wanted to ask you personally but didn't get chance&#xA;  before you left.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't say you 'forgot' to get her number, that seems overly casual. You wanted her number. Also don't mention Alex who didn't have her number - just say you got it from his bandmate. She might feel embarrassed if everybody in the world knows you were after her number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you need to say is make it clear you wanted to ask in person (nothing creepy about that when you've been talking all night anyway) and you are asking if she minds you getting her number from a mutual friend (which shows that you are concerned about not seeming creepy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how you communicate with her, she is either interested in keeping in touch, or not. You won't find out unless you ask. Everyone who is genuine is a little bit afraid of coming across as 'creepy' but so long as you show you are conscious of that I don't see how it can fail - plus by contacting her you are showing that you care &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; about getting in touch with her than about how you look.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T11:37:38.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10130" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-05T14:16:23.767" Score="6" ViewCount="700" Body="&lt;p&gt;Suppose you're in a conversation with 3 people. Person A, B, and yourself. Currently person A is speaking, directed at person B. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, who is it polite to look at? I know the general rule of thumb is to turn to whoever is speaking, but is there ever a case where one should instead look at the person who the current speech is being &lt;em&gt;directed at&lt;/em&gt;, rather than the person currently speaking? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12430" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T17:28:03.660" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T17:24:34.443" Title="With whom to make eye contact during a conversation with 3 people?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2019-03-04T20:19:21.233" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10131" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10130" CreationDate="2018-02-05T14:52:17.913" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly this is something that has no specific &quot;rule&quot;. I believe people just do it unintentionally and after feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When two people currently talk to each other, i mostly look at the person speaking, but for example  if person A talks for quite a while i sometimes also look at person B, i believe, to see how he reacts and to see his mimic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just look at what currently interests you. If your brain says &quot;I wonder how person B feels about this&quot; look at person B. If your brain thinks &quot;I am very interested/invested in person A's speach&quot; look at person A.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mostly you will look at the currently speaking person, but simply follow your intuition as this is nothing you can do &quot;wrong&quot; or offend someone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T14:52:17.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10030" CreationDate="2018-02-05T15:38:22.183" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're a more action-oriented person and although it may be difficult, you're going to have to wait and see instead of expecting a simple answer as to how to &quot;make&quot; him accept your apology. You should also avoid pushing him by saying anything else; he needs time to reflect and any persistence will only remind him exactly why he doesn't want to talk to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, based on what you've said to him, you should not expect him to accept your apology. You took advantage of a very personal aspect of your relationship with him in order to hurt him and should acknowledge that the way you made him feel might've indeed made your friendship not worthwhile for him to be a part of anymore. You need to be prepared to accept that he's &quot;done&quot; and you may have to make new friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, going forward, there are several things you can do to improve (not &quot;fix&quot;) the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to evaluate and potentially change. It seem as if your personality/behavior (whether or not it's shaped by the group or not) is at odds with what your friends (at least Luke) want out of a friendship. You need to decide which is more important: the enjoyment you get from the behavior you indulge in or the enjoyment you get from the company from your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of the former, maintaining this friend group with Luke as a part of it will be impossible and you will have to move on and make new friends. He clearly is fed up and &quot;done&quot; with your behavior and unless he has a sudden, magical change of heart, you will not be able to remain friends with him without change. You'll need to make new friends who are willing to put up with this behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of the latter, you will need to change your behavior. You've stated that these behaviors are part of the group, but clearly the frequency and extent to which you do these things is too excessive for Luke and potentially Alex and Michael. Think hard about how your words and actions might be received before doing anything. This really comes down to improving your emotional intelligence such that you better involve the thoughts and feelings of your peers in your decision making processes rather than focusing solely on yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of this process involves taking a look at the type of language you used to describe this situation. Your language indicates a lack of remorse for how you made Luke feel and instead it puts the blame on the situation itself. It doesn't matter how you &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; if the way you're &lt;em&gt;perceived&lt;/em&gt; is negative. Based on how most answers to your question &lt;em&gt;perceived&lt;/em&gt; you, your question comes off as self-serving; it comes off as if you're trying to find a quick, easy fix to capture your friend back. Part of having emotional intelligence is being able to accurately express your feelings without them being misconstrued.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how do you maintain your friendship with Alex and Michael? By not making the same mistakes with them and making these same changes with them. You can't expect to just make changes to &quot;make Luke happy&quot;, you need to make holistic changes to yourself and how you interact with your friends. You need to have the utmost respect for Luke and what he's going through and you should take his side whenever you can; he's the one in pain because of your actions, not the other way around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few notes that are not necessarily related to the question asked but are related to the &quot;triggering&quot; situation itself. You messed up. You were at fault for asking for the permission and immediately abusing it, even if you intended it to be a prank. You especially messed up when you reacted so harshly to it being taken away. It was a privilege granted to you, not an entitlement. Luke gave you it in trust and you broke that trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; You messed up. Wait for Luke, but don't wait to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;sup&gt;I'm writing a self answer as a form of synthesis and reflection on the situation based on the answers I received&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T15:47:30.720" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T15:47:30.720" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10115" CreationDate="2018-02-05T15:41:06.977" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First give him some time to cooldown&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then as you already say your neighbour doesn't hear you, then show him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He already throw the yard paper to you. go to your trash can and take a picture of both paper. Try to make the dates or the front pages visible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can add a comment: Thanks for the paper but I already have mine. Hope you can find the original owner. Let me know if I can do anything else to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing sarcastics, not confrontational, just polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can send the picture by Whatsapp or any other messenger. Just dont talk to him right now because he is already upset and isn't listening to reasons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10608" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T15:41:06.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-05T16:12:46.493" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will add that any response you give to the teasing will have a lot more impact if delivered to an individual, on their own, on YOUR terms, rather than in front of the whole group and delivered to the whole group in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time you are teased single out a member of the party and ask them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me X, can I have a word in private?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then break away from the group. For extra impact move to a different room. For extra impact leave the current room and spend a few moments making it clear you are looking for a nearby empty room. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then bring the individual into that room and respond to the teasing as suggested by any of the other good answers on this thread.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this does not solve the problem repeat it with different members of the group. Ideally you should have a 'private word' with each group member in turn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6574" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T16:12:46.493" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10089" CreationDate="2018-02-05T17:45:51.470" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Oh, I'm a girlfriend that gets upset when my boyfriend doesn't eat my food. This is my point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want to know the food I cook is still tasty and eating a lot of it helps my self esteem. In addition, I make it with good intentions (husband doesn't like vegetables, so I try to cook vegetables and cook them the way he likes it with the seasoning he likes so that he'll eat them, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the thing is, he likes his vegetables soft, and I like mine a bit more crunchy. He likes a lot of seasoning, but I like the natural flavor.&#xA;So if he stops eating as much of the vegetables that I made because he's on a diet and hasn't told me, and I make an entire head of soft cheesy broccoli (i shouldn't eat cheese) that I DO NOT WANT to eat, I wasted time cooking it to the softness that he likes, I wasted money because the cheese was a little expensive, and I wasted food because I would have wanted to eat the broccoli but just not this much and not so soft and cheesy. Plus it doesn't reheat well after it's been cooked so soft so the leftovers taste bad and he sure as hell isn't going to eat it, so guess who has to eat the yucky leftovers? =( (YEAH, ME)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of all, I thought I had found the one vegetable that my husband would eat and now he's not eating it???  Yeah, you bet I'll be upset. You bet I'll try to force you to eat this broccoli! Why did you stop and not tell me anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing would be if my husband were getting made fun of his weight and I'd want him to know that I love him the way he is, but he doesn't have to change for other people. IE, some people diet in a way that makes them miserable, and I wouldn't want him to force himself to diet just to please other people... but if he wanted to diet for himself, and it was completely his decision, I would respect that and try my best to help him. (I don't respect his wishes to not eat vegetables though)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This January, he told me that he wanted to try the Keto diet, so I made a few keto dishes and snacks in the proportions he wanted. Since we don't eat out anymore because of this diet, He also offered to cook more often for a few recipes he found. Maybe you could offer to cook for her sometime and make the proportions you're comfortable with? I don't know how much your gf does for you or if you take turns cooking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But all it took was for him to tell me, &quot;Hey, I just want to try and lose 20 lbs, can we try this diet?&quot; and I did my best to adjust to what he wanted accordingly (he still needs to eat vegetables). So your best bet is just to tell her you want to slim down and hope she'll respect your wishes. I don't know her at all to know her insecurities, but my insecurities would be that he thinks the food I cook sucks when I try really hard to make stuff he likes and make sure he's getting some nutrients.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The restaurant part is strange but I get upset seeing wasted food (not sure what her opinion is...maybe you should ask?), so I kind of understand it. Have you offered to box the leftovers? Or do both of you not eat reheated leftovers from restaurants?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; Since someone commented me asking me how to talk to someone like me. But like, meet her halfway?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, you've been cooking for me and I appreciate it, and I know you bought all these groceries, and spent all this time and money making food for me, but I just decided I want to lose weight, and these portions are a lot. Is it possible if I can eat just this much and then take the rest for lunch tomorrow? Or can you please cook smaller portions?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if you live with your GF. But like, if you can't finish food, ask for a To Go Box or boxing the leftovers that you can't finish from your gf's dinner would make her feel a lot better than seeing you throw away the food she made. (All my opinion)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Watching you throw away her food is like watching you throw away her hard earned money on buying groceries and that you don't appreciate the time she spent making your meal. At least if you box it with an intention of eating it later... I would feel more appreciated. (All my opinion). Plus you can use the excuse &quot;Now you don't have to cook for me tomorrow, we can eat the leftovers together&quot; (Which I don't mind having an extra free 1-2 hours of my day free)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you're going to ask her specifically to cook completely different stuff for your diet, the best thing you can do is offer to cook your girlfriend a meal that you yourself would want and that she would enjoy as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And show her &quot;This is how I want to eat from now on, this portion size, and more vegetables, less fried stuff etc etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing to do if possible, go grocery shopping with her, and help pick out food and plan out what you want to eat this week together. Even better, help pay for it if you aren't already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you're grocery shopping together, rein her in if she grabs too much food. Especially stuff that might spoil within a week so she'll feel the need to cook a lot at one time, etc. Buy some food storage containers, so if you can't finish something you can save it for tomorrow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6888" LastEditorUserId="6888" LastEditDate="2019-03-20T21:34:40.597" LastActivityDate="2019-03-20T21:34:40.597" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10122" CreationDate="2018-02-05T18:02:18.787" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an Indian I am familiar with the social and cultural circumstances that make it difficult for you to ask your future wife the direct question on such an intimate subject. However I would suggest that a lot would depend on whether your marriage is an arranged marriage or a love marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is an arranged marriage then you are very right to be apprehensive that your question might be badly received and misunderstood. If the girl comes from an orthodox family and happens to have 'strict' opinions about such matters it might even endanger the marriage-engagement. So I would actually advise you to even ask the question &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;only if&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you are very sure that she will not misunderstand you, and I strongly suggest that you be very cautious here. You can still ask the direct question &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; the topic of sex comes up naturally during your discussions, as noted  in the earlier &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10126/381&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; by @&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/29/a-j&quot;&gt;AJ&lt;/a&gt;. You would feel more confident if you and your fiancee have been interacting a lot after your engagement, have formed a good rapport with each other and are comfortable with talking about such sensitive topics. Or else you can try to assess her overall attitudes and opinions about such matters and decide when you can 'safely' ask the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if it is a love marriage (as appears likely  since you refer to her as your girlfriend) then you have much more license to ask her outright if she will like to perform the particular act. You need not hesitate to ask, because you are already in a relationship, and physically intimate with her to a limited extent. May I only caution you that you need to anticipate she may &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; like to do it and it is her right to dislike any particular act. So you can think in advance how her possible refusal would affect your marriage outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case, assuming you are able to be comfortable with asking her,  it's always better to ask the direct and explicit question because indirect phrasing or euphemism carries the risk that if the person does not understand what you are asking, she might possibly say &quot;yes&quot; as many of us Indians tend to do, and it could lead to a great deal of confusion in your future married life. You should also be careful to avoid insulting her: be sure you don't  unintentionally imply that she has any previous experience of such matters, as pointed out by by user @&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/1798/allthekingshorses&quot;&gt;AllTheKingsHorses&lt;/a&gt; in a &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10122/how-do-i-ask-my-fianc%c3%a9e-if-she-likes-oral-sex/10137#comment39914_10137&quot;&gt;comment&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, based on the clearly expressed understanding that you and your fiancee shall &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;try anything&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; only after marriage, you can take @&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/61/kate-gregory&quot;&gt;Kate Gregory&lt;/a&gt;'s wise advice as stated in a &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10122/how-do-i-ask-my-fianc%c3%a9e-if-she-likes-oral-sex/10137#comment39891_10137&quot;&gt;comment&lt;/a&gt; here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;rather than asking her if she would like to &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; it, ask her if she would like to &lt;strong&gt;try doing it&lt;/strong&gt; with you. This is more specific, doesn't presume she has done it before and knows what it's like, and emphasizes that it would be as part of your relationship. She may be willing to try it and discover she doesn't like it. That's not the same as not being willing to even try it, right? You two can learn how to do things like this together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, her reply (if you ask her before marriage) could vary from &quot;willing to try after marriage&quot; to &quot;will not even consider the idea&quot; depending on which you can decide whether or not it would be a deal-breaker, and the two of you can take a final decision accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T04:54:51.713" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T04:54:51.713" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10138" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-05T18:54:24.983" Score="4" ViewCount="358" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently in the situation where someone I'm dating (let's call that person Alex for now) thinks I am expecting more than I actually do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This relates to response times to chat messages. Two weeks ago, we had planned to go on a date. We &quot;planned&quot; that date a couple of days beforehand and agreed to meet on a specific day with the expectation that we'd be deciding on the what, where, and when on the actual day of the date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I contacted Alex in the morning (around 10 am) asking whether our planned date would actually work out and at what time it would fit. The answer came in at 5 pm. I waited the entire day and didn't make any other plans because I expected an answer every minute. I also tried to contact Alex several more times, but got no response. When I finally got one, it explained that it didn't work out because Alex is preparing for a couple of exams that are to be taken in short succession in about a month. I believe Alex 100% here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that time, I was disappointed because I wasted my entire day waiting for a message. Not having time for the date was fine; I don't get to decide my work schedule, either. But not responding when someone is waiting and when you have the opportunity to do so got me upset. I explained that to Alex and it was understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The topic came up today again. It was a similar situation but this time, Alex told me that it would work out much earlier. We spoke about the topic of response times and apparently, Alex thinks I &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; want my responses &lt;em&gt;ASAP&lt;/em&gt;. That's not correct; I want them ASAP when I'm obviously waiting for them and actually lose time doing so. I don't expect immediate responses for regular conversations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here goes the actual question:&lt;/strong&gt; I tried to clarify that I'm only expecting fast answers when it's interfering with plans that we already made. But every time I attempted to clarify, Alex got more nervous and uncertain about what I expect. I don't think I got my point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I improve in communicating my expectations? I feel like I've been very clear and open about it. But every rephrasing of my expectations led to more uncertainty on Alex' side. This is made worse by the fact that Alex doesn't have time to always keep an eye on his phone because of studying. That makes it especially hard for Alex to fulfill the expectation that I don't even have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had the same issue in other situations as well, e. g. with work colleagues or family members. Also on various topics, not especially about response times to IM messages. I observed the same effect in those conversations. That's why I guess it's got something to do with the way I communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1603" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T21:33:47.260" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T00:25:40.697" Title="How can I communicate my expectations regarding scheduling a meet-up with someone?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10139" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-05T19:19:09.000" Score="3" ViewCount="856" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 17 years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a girl in my class, let's call her Anne, who is very stubborn. For her to be happy, everything has to be perfect. I have no problem with it, as long as it doesn't affect me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are two examples of what she does regularly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She &quot;forbids&quot; us to close the roller blind, because it would be too dark for her then. To be clear, every other student has no problems with the light, she's the only one. Today she told us to stop at the perfect angle, which lasted us 5 minutes, so that the right amount of light comes through the window. This is most annoying if the sun is shining directly into my eyes or my laptop.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She is sitting in the first row and a friend of mine also sits in the first row. Today two girls, who normally sit in the first row were sick so I asked my friend if I could sit next to her. Between me and Anne there is one empty seat. I decided to sit exactly beween those two seats, so everyone has enough space. What does Anne do? She complains that I should move, so she has more space. By sitting between those two seats, she had half a seat more space than normally, but still she was complaining. Finally I moved back.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to talk to her about these things, but she doesn't seem to understand how annoying and time-consuming it is for us others to make everything as she likes. She also is a very grumpy person, although she can be very friendly and nice sometimes.&lt;br&gt; &#xA;Also she is very good at school, perfect in many subjects. Her personality is very perfectionist, she always does as the teacher says, but without any creativity and completely unresourceful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since there might be a chance, that she and I will go to the same university in a few years, I want to be friendly with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I talk to her, so that she stops being so freakingly perfectionist but without annoying her, too? How can I talk to her, so we can talk more to each other? If possible, I want to be friends with her &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; talk to her about her perfectionism, that annoys me (and many other classmates).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4263" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T21:24:51.817" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T22:21:04.310" Title="How to deal with a super perfectionist classmate?" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;austria&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10140" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10141" CreationDate="2018-02-05T20:13:47.280" Score="4" ViewCount="10916" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently had an opportunity to contact a highly esteemed professional in my field for helping me with a technical post. We met at a conference that we both spoke at. They provided some feedback, to which I responded without proper manners. I didn't show enough respect, and they posted something on their Twitter, essentially saying that manners are very important. I feel horrible, really terrible since I respect and like this person a lot, especially given the free help they gave me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to apologize, but I feel like it would be selfish. I already follow their Twitter, but I don't want it to seem like they can't rant on their Twitter. Right before they posted on Twitter, I had sent them a note with proper manners thanking them for their help, but I feel like one of my emails was very poor form.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I phrase the apology? I know that grammar and professionalism are very important. I want to be sure to take 100% of the blame and make no excuses. This is my fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12443" LastEditorUserId="12443" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T21:04:44.350" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T00:10:16.017" Title="How can I apologize to a professional for being rude in an email?" Tags="&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10140" CreationDate="2018-02-05T20:30:59.267" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should definitely apologize.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never apologized sincerely for something and had it back fire.  Occasionally someone has tried to rub my nose in it, but when other people see that it usually makes them sympathize with me instead of the person I was rude to. Most people understand that every one makes mistakes.  By showing that you are able to recognize your mistake and try to fix it, you show that you are not just likable but trustable.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just send them an email saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was thinking about my behavior at the conference and I was feeling&#xA;  bad because I was quite rude.  I'm sorry that I took offense at your&#xA;  advice.  Please forgive me.  I highly value the help you gave me and&#xA;  wish that I had shown you more respect and gratitude.   Sincerely&#xA;  (your name)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't need to be long or rambling.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1)&lt;/strong&gt; Don't try to explain yourself it will probably just be seen as an excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2)&lt;/strong&gt; Tell them your sorry for what you did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3)&lt;/strong&gt; Ask him to forgive you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4)&lt;/strong&gt; Tell him that you are grateful for his help. This last one is nice because basically you saying what you should have said the first time, ie, &quot;thank you.&quot;    It also lets you end the note on a positive emotion instead of a negative one.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also mention:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want it to seem like they can't rant on their Twitter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just don't mention Twitter.&lt;/strong&gt;  It really has no relevance to your apology.  For starters they probably won't realize that you saw their twitter post.  If they do for some reason think that your apologizing because of the twitter post then they will probably be pleased that it actually affected you.  I can't read this persons mind (and neither can you) so don't worry about it.  Just do what you know needs to be done and apologize.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T21:01:43.103" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T21:01:43.103" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10139" CreationDate="2018-02-05T20:39:24.667" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Anne sounds like a bit of a bully (or at least an entitled brat), and perhaps you and your classmates should be acquiescing to fewer of her requests. The unfortunate truth is that she is not going to be getting her way out in the &quot;real world&quot;, and you're doing neither yourselves, or her any favors by letting her get away with these silly demands. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no universe in which fellow employees are going to put up with someone messing with the blinds for 5+ minutes, to the detriment of the majority, for example. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time she complains about these sort of things, don't hesitate to establish that her own desires are not the only driving force of change in this universe:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; There isn't enough space here. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Well Anne, normally you'd have two other people sitting here, and you manage just fine. I think we'll be OK. &lt;em&gt;(and then go back to speaking to your friend)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she messes with the blinds, and if the changes inconvenience you, don't hesitate to speak up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry too much about her not being your friend in university. She sounds like a fickle person to begin with, and you'll be making lots of new acquaintances/friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T20:39:24.667" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10139" CreationDate="2018-02-05T20:39:42.820" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a casual acquaintance you really don't have much leverage to get her to change her personality for you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the most you can do is to be polite and kind to her. Then tell her no when her requests are unreasonable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 1) Build personal capital&lt;/strong&gt; (strengthen your relationship) Smile at her when you pass her in the hall.  Say hello before class.  Occasionally ask her about her day, or what she likes to do.  Being nice and showing interest in her will build personal capital between you two.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 2)&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;strong&gt;Say no,&lt;/strong&gt; When she makes a request that is unreasonable just say no, and explain simply why.  With your blinds example you might say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry every one else in the class would like the blinds closed (or&#xA;  open, whatever it is)  The light shines on certain peoples computers&#xA;  so they can't see them, and if we get it just right the sun shifts in&#xA;  5 minutes so it doesn't make much sense to leave it here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 3)&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Look for a compromise.&lt;/strong&gt;  With recurring issues such as the blinds  perhaps you could have them close while the sun is setting but open them once it is behind the horizon (mountains/buildings).  This specific example may not work, but you get the idea try to compromise.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 1,&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should also note that you can't  control other peoples behavior.  What you can do is negotiate a behavior change.  Step 1 above is not meant to manipulate Anne,  it is meant to build a relationship with her so that she will listen to you when you want to negotiate, what to do with the blinds or how to share space.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I refer to this as building capital because I find it a useful metaphor for building a relationship with someone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T22:21:04.310" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T22:21:04.310" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2018-02-05T20:48:20.243" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another perspective: &lt;strong&gt;Sometimes I just want people to ask what they really want to know.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have darker skin and a lot of people can't tell what I am.  Personally, I don't mind people asking (as long as it's out of curiosity and not for discriminatory purposes).  For me, I'd rather people just ask &amp;quot;what's your race/ethnicity?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;are you Filipina?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other ways of asking which they think are more &amp;quot;polite&amp;quot; just come off as annoying to me due to the indirectness and assumptions made e.g. that my parents are from another country so if they find out where my parents are from then they'll know what race I am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As your friend did, I'll just answer the questions and hope they'll figure out they're not asking the correct questions.  I've had one conversation go like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sherlock Holmes: How long have you lived here?  Where were you born?&#xA;&lt;br/&gt;Me: I've lived here for X years.  I was born in LA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sherlock Holmes: Where did your parents meet?&#xA;&lt;br/&gt;Me: In LA&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sherlock Holmes: But where is your dad from?&#xA;&lt;br/&gt;Me: He's from LA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sherlock Holmes: What about your mom?&#xA;&lt;br/&gt;Me: She's from San Francisco.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sherlock Holmes: But where were they born?&#xA;&lt;br/&gt;Me: They were both born in California.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sherlock Holmes: Well what about your grandparents--where are they from?&#xA;&lt;br/&gt;Me: Well one of my grandmas was born here. The rest are from China.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sherlock Holmes: Oh! You're Chinese!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a lot of frigging questions to answer for a Sherlock Holmes who doesn't actually care where I, my father, my mother, or my grandparents were born but just wants to know my race.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just ask!!!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6156" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T19:47:03.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10145" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10138" CreationDate="2018-02-05T20:51:23.320" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're dealing with a person who either doesn't value your date / meetings as much as you do, or who simply has a vastly different communication style. Or perhaps a combination of the two. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless, the mistake you made is letting the plans hang for as long as you did in the first place. In situations where you've established that you're meeting on a given day, and have not set up a time or place, try to set up those details as early as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do end up in a situation where it's the morning of the day of, and you're waiting for the details, establish a certain dead-line by which being given a time is inconvenient to you, and you switch from &lt;strong&gt;Plan A) Date&lt;/strong&gt;, to &lt;strong&gt;Plan B) Hang out with friends&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For  example, say you've been waiting for Alex to set up the details for several days. Message the night before, and ask for a time/place. If none are forthcoming by noon the day of, message him/her and cancel, giving their own lack of a reply as the reason:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry the meeting today didn't work out, did something come up? See you some other time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Alex suddenly messages you, then you'll know that replying to you was clearly not a priority until you cancelled. You can then choose to either make plans, or establish some boundaries:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, when you never called me back I made other plans. Next time let's try to set up the details a little earlier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you establish your own expectations, and don't let the other person take advantage of you. More importantly, however, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you will not set yourself up for disappointment&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you come to realize that Alex is simply a flaky sort of person then you can decide how you want your relationship to proceed.  Maybe you need to take charge and set up the events. Or maybe you let Alex set the pace, and measure the effort that (s)he puts into meeting with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing here is to realize that different people have different priorities, and that you need to move ahead with your own goals clearly in mind. In that one instance, for example, Alex was clearly focused on studying, and replying to you was an inconvenience (s)he didn't have time for. For you, however, it led to a complete waste of time, and stress. The fix here is managing your own expectations, and plans. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-05T21:12:41.160" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T21:12:41.160" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10138" CreationDate="2018-02-05T20:52:46.317" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The need for communication here is on your part on a per-event basis. This means that you have to remember to explain this but it makes it easier on Alex because he doesn't have to remember any &amp;quot;rules&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your time is valuable to you, your free time doubly so, I would guess. So you need to show them that's the case by giving them a heads-up that you'd like to work around their schedule but don't want to sit around all day. And this is perfectly reasonable for you to say and if they expect otherwise, I would be surprised. Most people don't expect you to be ready to do what they want to do at the drop of a hat, particularly if you don't have firm plans set up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in the situation you're in before. I've wasted many days hoping that a friend would get in touch because I really wanted to spend time with them and they've flaked on me or they've had something come up. It happens to us all. &lt;strong&gt;Hopefully&lt;/strong&gt; they'll be more communicative about things but you can't really force them to act. What I've found is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there aren't any specific exact decisions about a meet-up (time/venue/etc) by the day before, I should expect it to fall through unless I hear from someone quickly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I sit around waiting for them to respond all day, that's on me, not on them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you had rough plans a few days before... send that text message asking to firm things up sooner... the day before, not the morning of. Let them know that it's your only day free and that you'd really love to get together with them but you also want to do something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't hear back that day (the day before) ping them the morning of but &lt;strong&gt;ask for a response within X amount of time&lt;/strong&gt; and if you don't hear from them, go on with your day and work something out for another time. So, for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You (10 am): Good morning! I'm really looking forward to seeing you sometime today! When do you want to meet up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You (10:30 am after no response): Since I haven't heard back, I thought I'd let you know, if you want to get together for lunch, please get back to me ASAP or if you'd rather meet for dinner, let me know by 3. I know you're busy so if I don't hear from you by 3 I'll assume you're not able to meet up and make other plans for the evening but if your schedule clears up, ping me any time and I might be able to meet you or you can join me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Warning... the above needs to be tailored for your voice and style of communication and whatever deadlines you choose to set. Feel free to break it up into a few messages or go all in one - your choice.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be flexible, do something that you could add them to when they are available that day or that you can easily walk away from when they do become available. If you make plans with someone else (or a group of friends) let them know what's up when you make the plans and see if it's OK for Alex to join you later or if they're willing to be flexible if you have to back out. If Alex never becomes available, your day/evening isn't wasted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you wait for a response for seven hours, you made that choice so expecting some sort of compensation is (in my opinion) inappropriate. You can't control what other people do, you can only control yourself. Focus on changing your behavior to make it easier for the people around you to know what you expect from them. They can't read minds, so you need to be explicit about what you want... but be flexible if you can. Emphasize that you want to spend time with them but that - since you don't get a lot of time off - you really have to use that time wisely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're also asking about clarifying your needs, I'd recommend starting from scratch. Tell Alex (or anyone else) that anything you've said before, they can forget. I think you should be able to give them two rules that will make it clear what you expect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If we're discussing getting together within the next &lt;em&gt;n&lt;/em&gt; hours, I would like responses ASAP so that I can make sure my schedule is set because I don't get a lot of time off and want to use it as fully as I can.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Otherwise, please respond when it's convenient for you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should be pretty easy for them to remember and is pretty simple to convey. It explains why you need this quick response time and in which cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said... I strongly recommend you use the other guidance above to prevent them from needing to remember this. If you have rock solid plans the day before, they can be slower about responding to those requests without you feeling you're waiting on a response (win/win). Even if those plans are &amp;quot;If you're not sure of your schedule tomorrow, I'll call/text you at 10 am and we'll work something out.&amp;quot; they know when to look for a call or message from you so that they can respond quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T21:24:04.683" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3457" CreationDate="2018-02-05T22:21:44.623" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wording:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Is it rude to ask someone where they are from originally?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wording in this question can be considered rude or cause the other person to be uncomfortable. It implies that they are not originally from &lt;em&gt;x city/state/country&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, immigration is becoming more frequent in many countries and people are becoming more curious. Asking about &lt;em&gt;ethnicity or cultural backgrounds&lt;/em&gt; is different than bluntly assuming they are not originally from the US. &lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; a person's ethnicity is different from their cultural background. Ethnically, I am Chinese but culturally, I am Canadian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As a 1st generation Canadian born Chinese,&lt;/strong&gt; I frequently get asked &amp;quot;where are you originally from&amp;quot; and depending on how sassy I feel, I will reply with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where am I from? Canada. I was born in Saskatchewan and lived in Toronto my whole life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;or, to subtly correct how they are asking where I'm &amp;quot;originally&amp;quot; from:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you asking about my ethnicity or cultural background? Because culturally I am Canadian but my parents immigrated from Hong Kong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work in public service and people get curious about where I'm from as my name/looks doesn't lend clues to my background either. I have a German first name, French middle name, and English spelling last name. My mother's family are from a Chinese village with unusual Mongoloid features (tanned, high cheek bones, square jaw, wide double fold eyes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I find rude is when people attempt to speak to me in Mandarin/Korean/Japanese (I speak Cantonese), or directly ask if I'm from Cambodia, Korea, Vietnam, etc... all based on the assumption that I &amp;quot;look like I'm from there&amp;quot; since all Asians &amp;quot;look alike&amp;quot;. I don't accept using the word &amp;quot;oriental&amp;quot; as a descriptor because you're lumping all East/Central/South Asian countries as one cultural identity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am more receptive to:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can I ask what your cultural background is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is your ethnicity?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Name&lt;/em&gt;, that's unusual spelling. How did you end up with a German name?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Last name&lt;/em&gt;, that sounds Chinese. Where are your parents from?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I'm visibly ethnic, I'm used to these types of encounters. I use it as an opportunity to educate on the language they are using.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T22:21:44.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10148" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-05T23:23:57.203" Score="13" ViewCount="1509" Body="&lt;p&gt;Quite often we go to the park, or host a party and we have a few things like Stomp Rockets or Jumpers or other such things/toys. There are quite a few kids who look at longingly and want to come over (or some just assume they can).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost always I state it clearly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Your kid is welcome to try it out or play with it for a bit, but we have guests for who it's intended&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR to the kid directly, with their parents listening: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You can play with it for a few minutes now, but you'll have to give it up to them (my son and his friends) once we say so&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the past few times, it seems parents blatantly ignore the above request. They either just don't budge and keep taking videos of their kids and continue to take up everyone's time. Often, protective parents start &quot;monitoring&quot; that kids pratice fair use (read, &lt;em&gt;their kid&lt;/em&gt; gets a fair use) and kids come running to me saying that they aren't able to play since &quot;others&quot; are not leaving it. Or the kids get rough with the toy and I have to tell them to not do that if they'd like to play (but gets ignored, even if you tell their parents).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had to intervene sometimes by just being blunt: &lt;em&gt;Excuse me, but these are for the guests of the party&lt;/em&gt; or just &lt;em&gt;Alright, times up! My son and his friends need to play&lt;/em&gt; or just simply saying &lt;em&gt;&quot;Time's up!&quot; Pack up. Pretend to leave. Have the others leave and just set up again&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best way to handle such situations without coming across as rude or a complaining parent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12447" LastActivityDate="2020-10-11T19:53:52.770" Title="How can I politely tell parents of kids to stop playing with my son's toys/equipment to give him and his friends a chance?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10149" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-05T23:32:29.243" Score="47" ViewCount="11590" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a younger sibling, let’s call her Sarah. Who has a severe alcohol and drug addiction problem. I’m talking 9 separate rehabs, 10 in hospital detox’s and 4 different events in which she was almost dead and luckily saved by people smart enough to call for an ambulance at the right time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We grew up in a small town where everyone knows each others business and my parents are very well known in the community. It doesn’t help that my parents are extremely wealthy and own businesses that draw attention to that fact. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I’m married, financially independent and live outside of their area I don’t usually get inundated with the ridiculous gossip that goes on in their town. I also have been able to avoid being constantly questioned by people regarding gossip about my family and their personal struggles, because I kept away from the area for the most part for several years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in the last 2 years my sister has been overcome and destroyed by her addiction. She has decided she only wants to deal with me instead of the rest of the family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently she had a dangerous situation occur that landed her in the ICU, on a ventilator, feeding tube, restraints, deep sedation and a personal nurse. She almost died, and due to the fact that the hospital told my family she will not be able to live through another detox and/or survive another bender, my family has started telling people about her situation. At the moment, we don't know where my sister is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I’m being  inundated with phone calls and texts from people outside of our family. I feel hounded and harassed yet the messages I’m receiving are asking about her welfare and updates and such and seem caring. The problem is that I cannot discuss and explain my sisters situation with these people as it’s too complex and overwhelming to try to do at this point (we don’t know where she is.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also don’t want to spend my entire day responding to people’s questions about her because it saddens me and I need to have a life separate from this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say to people who keep asking me about this? How can I politely let them know this is a personal issue and is painful to discuss without being rude or sounding unappreciative about their concerns? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12445" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T12:39:48.520" LastActivityDate="2018-06-24T05:09:21.050" Title="My sister has an alcohol and drug addiction. How can I get people to stop asking me about her?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10148" CreationDate="2018-02-05T23:35:11.723" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have the right idea with the &quot;time's up&quot; idea.  Obviously the parents are oblivious and seem to think that you came there to entertain their kid.  I'd suggest starting out with &quot;Sorry, that's for the party.  The kids at the party planned to play with it; you can play for a little bit after we finish up.&quot;  The kids will be disappointed but that's the parents' problem, not yours.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as the &quot;fair use&quot; goes - it's funny that they decide what's fair for a toy &lt;em&gt;YOU&lt;/em&gt; arranged for.  You own it, you set the schedule for it, you determine who can use it. I wouldn't be too worried about being perceived as rude - how rude is it to assume that their kids can play at length during your party with your toys?  Obviously you don't want to be a jerk about it, but being firm in favor of your kids/guests is very different from just ordering other kids around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-05T23:35:11.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10151" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10165" CreationDate="2018-02-05T23:49:12.083" Score="11" ViewCount="3982" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in Australia in a block of flats. We are the middle flat of three. Each flat has a front and back balcony. Due to the nature of the flats the back doors will bang in the wind if not secured - this will be a constant loud bang, every 5-10 seconds which is loud enough to penetrate ear plugs due to its short sharp nature. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not too soon after our upstair neighbour moved in she left her back balcony door open when she went for an early morning walk. It banged and woke us up at 6:30 am which was very frustrating. We left her a friendly note and also some supplies to attach it (normal string will break in a few days due to the stress from the wind). In the preceding days the door was secured so it didn't bang. She decided not to use our method. (although I find it difficult for notes not to be passive aggressive we attempted to write it in a light friendly manner trying to be helpful and not judgemental). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wind forward 3 months and into a heat wave. She left her door open over night to encourage a slight breeze but unfortunately it came loose at 2:30 in the morning. This woke my wife up and then woke me up about 30 minutes later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is the conundrum, what do you do at 3am when a door is banging, how do you contact the person in that house? I decided that knocking on her actual door was not ideal (as the entry way is dark and I am tall) I didn't want to scare our single female neighbour. Instead I went out the front of our property and rang the intercom bell. I rang a few short sharp rings until she answered and asked her to secure her door. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, sorry to bother you but your door has been banging in the wind&#xA;  for about an hour, do you think you can secure it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note - I am English so find it hard to be rude even when tired and grumpy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We slept badly that night but both understood it was a complete freak of nature that shouldn't happen again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The morning after next we received a letter on our door from her. The basic gist of it was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night BUT&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It was a complete accident AND&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You make noise during the day too which I don't complain about&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(the tone felt quite aggressive as if the door banging was our fault - also noting legal sections and paragraphs felt completely unnecessary)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally she said something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't feel comfortable with you ringing my door bell in the middle&#xA;  of the night. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my house and you&#xA;  should never do this again in future. Please refer to (section XX,&#xA;  paragraph YY) the noise regulations about noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the part I am asking my question about: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;IF this happens again and I want to respect my neighbours wishes how can I communicate with her to close the door?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can only think of a few ways to get in contact with her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Phone:&lt;/strong&gt; She hasn't given us her number (we have given her ours and tried to arrange chats) and this might be off or on silent over night&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Front buzzer:&lt;/strong&gt; She has specifically said she is made to feel uncomfortable by this&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do nothing:&lt;/strong&gt; And get no sleep while getting angrier and angrier&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Call the police:&lt;/strong&gt; This feels like making a mountain over a molehill. As it feels like too small a thing to bother them with. This coupled with the fact that they will just ring her front buzzer anyway which I could do without calling the police. It also feels like an unnecessary escalation for something which should be resolvable anyway. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is worth noting a few things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We have repeatedly tried to chat with her about it, we have given her our numbers, asked her to meet up and even arranged times. She has never messaged us (as agreed) and has always been out at times when we arranged.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We have given her our phone number and suggested we exchange phone numbers to deal with the noise but have not received any message from her (except paper notes on the door)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is around our age (early 30s) so there is not a large age or maturity gap&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question isn't about what we should do with regards to her per se (we need to find a time to chat everything through) but is more about how to communicate that we want to respect her boundaries but also want to get a good nights sleep. I don't want to say &quot;well if we can't contact you we'll call the police next time&quot; but honestly I don't know what we would do (probably ring on the buzzer if it happened tonight). I also don't know whether calling the police is blowing it out of all proportion or whether ringing the buzzer is for that matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is worth noting that we are not keen on launching formal complaints. I feel that a good relationship with your neighbours is important and unless they are being very inconsiderate then it is better to deal with them directly instead of calling body corporate or the estate agent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12446" LastActivityDate="2021-01-16T17:41:44.890" Title="How to communicate with neighbour with banging door without making her uncomfortable" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10149" CreationDate="2018-02-05T23:52:21.740" Score="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a great start in your question.  &quot;Thank you for asking.  As you can imagine, this is hard for all of us.  I'm going to respect her privacy by not giving out any information other than what is publicly available; I'm sure you can appreciate our desire for privacy right now,&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also take up the practice of responding slowly to these requests.  They mean well, but you are correct that if you are the only person responding, it can take a lot of your time.  By deliberately not prioritizing this, you send the subtle message that you have other things to do as well.  People may ask if they haven't heard back; I'd respond that &quot;I'm sure you understand how many people ask about this.  I haven't had time to respond but will when I'm available to do so.&quot;  Don't sound apologetic; it's your life, too.  You, I suspect, want to focus on your sister's healing and not being her information officer.  That doesn't mean you act like a jerk about but it does mean that you prioritize your health and sanity above all else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Credit to Martin Bonner for the following suggestion.) There is a certain cultural component to this, but in cultures where honesty and direct communication are valued (Northern European and North American), most people won't be offended if you say that you don't want to talk about it. There will always be some people who insist on sticking their noses where it doesn't belong (such as asking why you don't want to talk about it), but I believe that for the most part this would be respected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-06-24T05:09:21.050" LastActivityDate="2018-06-24T05:09:21.050" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10153" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-06T00:12:12.147" Score="45" ViewCount="19375" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's this acquaintance of both my girlfriend and I that pretends to flirt with my girlfriend. Neither of us are close enough with him to classify him as a &quot;friend,&quot; though both my girlfriend and I get along well with him [except for this scenario] and run into him at several different social events as we have a lot of mutual friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever both my girlfriend and I are together, he walks up to my girlfriend and &quot;pretends&quot; to flirt with her--he grabs her hair or makes jokes in a flirtatious manner. When this happens I usually step between then/whatever and kindly tell him not to do that (he is well aware that she is in a relationship). She has also directly talked to him. However, he keeps doing this. My girlfriend and I often talk about this situation and she has expressed dismay at the situation--she finds it very annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's mentioned to me before that he only does it because it annoys &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; [the boyfriend]. I've considered letting it be and &quot;stop getting mad&quot; so the perpetrator no longer gets a rise out of me. But, I feel this is an issue that should stop &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, not something that should slowly fade away over a few weeks. Quite frankly, this behavior is unwelcome, is making us both uncomfortable, and quite clearly &lt;em&gt;not acceptable.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He generally respects me, so I've considered sitting him down for a serious talk to tell him why it is not okay (he is several years younger than both of us), but I'm afraid of the small chance that it could make things worse. What's the best way (for either my girlfriend or I) to make it clear that this behavior is not OK?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12448" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T13:01:57.290" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T09:52:27.117" Title="How to tell a &quot;friend&quot; to stop pretending to flirt with my girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9932" CreationDate="2018-02-06T00:58:23.293" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Responding Within the Frame LOSES&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important single thing I can say is to not respond &lt;em&gt;within the frame of the comment&lt;/em&gt;. Their comment puts you into the frame of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Still being a fatty despite losing weight, and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being someone who is easily taunted and responds to it by getting upset.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you respond in any way within that same frame, which includes denying being a fatty, or ashamedly admitting it, or getting upset, or asking for them to stop, then &lt;em&gt;you've already lost&lt;/em&gt;. You've already communicated low social status by any of these responses within their framing, and this is what they're looking for—to challenge your social status and see if you are high or low, and hopefully you'll come back as low status. They take pleasure in playing dominance games, and may not even realize this. That's because humans seem to be hardwired to always need to place people into a social dominance hierarchy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: You might consider that losing weight actually threatens them because you might rise in social status and surpass them. When overweight it was easier to peg you as low. Returning from low status is a challenge to them, and they have to see if you can pass their tests to be admitted to higher status again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Learn How to Respond Differently&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the above is mostly descriptive, but stay tuned, I have something prescriptive for you. Since I know that it is very hard to change how you react, and in particular very hard to &quot;not get upset&quot;, instead of telling you a few things to try in text here, I have a much better resource for you: I &lt;strong&gt;promise&lt;/strong&gt; that you will get better at handling these kind of challenging comments and social dominance games if you go watch the videos at &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/user/CharismaMatrix&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Charisma Matrix channel&lt;/a&gt; on YouTube. If you like, start with the video &quot;2 Tricks - How to BEAT a BULLY everytime!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;A Caveat, and Personal Experience&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; the channel owner, Barron, seems a bit gimmicky. I &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; he wants ultimately to sell to you, eventually. But it can't hurt to watch a few free videos. What have you lost? I think this guy really does know some stuff—stuff that for me, personally, is changing everything. I finally feel like I understand some of the dynamics of my interactions with people that I never understood before. I'm finally getting why people are reacting negatively to me in some situations. It's all starting to make sense. And I feel such a greater sense of power and control. It's amazing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please let me know if you check out his videos and whether they help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are other channels such as Charisma on Command that may be useful to you if you don't like that guy's style. I haven't checked them out, but will probably eventually get there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More power to you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastEditorUserId="2568" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T19:10:10.620" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T19:10:10.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10153" CreationDate="2018-02-06T01:17:27.363" Score="136" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short answer:&lt;/strong&gt;  Really it is &lt;em&gt;your girlfriend&lt;/em&gt; that needs to be firm with him and tell him to stop.  You can and should back her up, but she has to establish her boundaries with this person herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you want to protect your girlfriend from this person flirting with her, but unless she herself calls out the behaviour at the time it occurs then he will continue to see it as acceptable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time it happens she needs to step away from him and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Both abcdefg and I have asked several times in the past for you to not do this.  I don't like it when you do it and it needs to stop now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way your acquaintance can see that he's not just annoying you but her as well.  Make sure that she physically steps away from him to remove him from her personal space.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once she has said this to him, both turn and walk away from him.  This will ensure that he has no chance to argue or raise discussion.  Repeat more loudly each time it happens until it stops.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've said that she has spoken directly to him about his behaviour, but unless she calls it out when it is happening then he will continue to do it.  Make it clear that it is utterly unacceptable and disrespectful to both her and to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8641" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T02:50:55.393" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T02:50:55.393" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10156" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10148" CreationDate="2018-02-06T01:38:15.060" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be as rude as you need to be. Don't lend those toys out.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you set up a BBQ for your family and friends, do you also let perfect strangers come in and take your food?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't. Right? So why should it be any different with their kids?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time, bring a large opaque bag and teach your kids and the invited kids to return the toys to the bag when they're not using them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There can be exceptions to this, for instance, if your kid is willing to lend a toy out to another kid, or if the other parents are bringing toys that your kids may want to play with, but otherwise, if it's not their stuff, they need to respect your private property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2020-10-11T19:53:52.770" LastActivityDate="2020-10-11T19:53:52.770" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10157" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10183" CreationDate="2018-02-06T01:47:50.390" Score="12" ViewCount="1771" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently exited a long term relationship (3+ years). During the last year and a half of the relationship I grew quite close with another friend. This came to a head about six months before my relationship ended, with the realization that this friend and I shared mutual feelings for each other, beyond just friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, after the initial conversation where we came to this realization (there was wine involved) we rarely talked about it and never in any great depth. By my inaction, I implicitly chose to stay with my then-SO; though again this was never explicitly stated or addressed between this friend and I.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to now, after my SO and I have separated. I've been reflecting on the relationship and the things that led to its failure, as one does. One of the conclusions I've come to is that I treated this friend of mine quite terribly during this period. In the vernacular, I &quot;had them on the hook&quot;: never outright rejecting them while also keeping a spark of hope alive for &quot;someday&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, coupled with small things I did throughout this period, contributed to my disrespect of both their time/energy and their feelings for me. Further, some of the things this friend has said to me recently has confirmed my belief that they feel disrespected because of my actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, I have only come to this realization upon reflection after the fact. In the moment, I was completely unaware of the affect I was having on them, which is another problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way that I can convey a sincere apology to this friend &lt;strong&gt;without&lt;/strong&gt; implying that, now that I am no longer in a relationship, I want to get together with them. I want to assure them of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I value their feelings&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am sorry for disrespecting them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am sorry for not recognizing that I was disrespecting them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While this self-reflection happened as a result of my break up, this apology is not a ploy to try to get together with them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I suspect that there may not be a way to accomplish all of the above, so barring that, how can I convey as much of the above as possible?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;To conclude, I respect this friend very much, and I highly value their opinion of me. While I accept that I may have irrevocably damaged that opinion, I would at least like to try to apologize for my mistakes. That is more important to me that anything.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12212" LastEditorUserId="12212" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T02:00:38.073" LastActivityDate="2020-01-06T16:52:42.380" Title="Apologize to a semi-romantic friend without implying a desire to get together after my break up" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10148" CreationDate="2018-02-06T02:13:26.347" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Since you have established a rule with your equipment, it is not inherently rude to enforce that rule.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In more detail:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have proposed a thought out and fair boundary in the sharing of your toys, however, the people you proposed it to are young children who have far more important things to do &lt;em&gt;(such as fire the stomp rocket at their friend)&lt;/em&gt; than listen to you and this is perfectly normal. Parents enforcing an established rule will show the kids what is okay or not and although the kids will still likely test the boundaries of the rules, enforcing it should help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next question is &lt;strong&gt;how do you enforce it?&lt;/strong&gt; Since we all know that ripping a toy (even your own) out of a random kids hands will probably not go over well. First I would assume the best and try simply asking for it back. Sometimes it will work, but when it inevitably doesn't, I would not press the child; to respect the ways different families work I would enforce your rule through the kids parents and leave it up to them to figure out the best way to deal with their own child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other parents have currently been ignoring you when you advise that the children should not play so rough if they want to continue playing with your toy. Here the parents are a bit out of line, their kids are playing with your equipment and they should respect your wishes and make sure that their kids are not too rough with it. &lt;em&gt;However&lt;/em&gt;, that does not mean we can not understand why. There are plenty of situations where they know that there is nothing they can easily say that would get their child to be more careful. They know that the next step is for the toy to be removed, but since it hasn't come to that yet they are fine to just ignore it. I think that changing how this interaction goes will result in a different outcome. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is that after you have stated the rule, and then the warning and then asked for the equipment back &lt;em&gt;all to the kids&lt;/em&gt; but within ear-shot of the parents, you should then approach the parents and say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[$Child] is being too rough with my toys, and they are really for my child and his friends anyway. I just asked him/her for [$Toy] back, could you please retrieve it for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is something that they will be far more likely to do, since they know that if they don't, then you will (which is fine for your situation, as their in-action gives permission for your action and doing it with permission is not rude). &#xA;There is always the chance that you run into an incredibly annoying parent that will still get upset even after all this. I would not worry, you have done all you can to remain polite and any on-looking parents would be well aware of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, a small plus with this approach is you have a possibility of the domino effect where children might realise that they need to be more careful, and parents might get that little push they needed to reign in their kids. Admittedly a small possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T02:13:26.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10149" CreationDate="2018-02-06T02:55:15.370" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I faced a serious health crisis (I may have come within a day or two of dying; I certainly would have died over a year ago if not for an experimental treatment) I asked a handful of close friends and family members to &quot;run interference&quot; on communication. Basically I would give one update, and everyone else had to ask their &quot;point person&quot; if they had questions. For example, my siblings had to ask my mother. My inlaws had to ask one selected inlaw, and my friends naturally split into several groups and I chose one person from each group. Importantly, I chose people who did not have &quot;work to do&quot; around my illness. Not my husband, not my adult children. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing that was great about this was that people stopped asking me stuff at a time when I had a lot to deal with and didn't feel up to answering things, especially the same details over and over. The second is that it motivated me to send out updates to my &quot;captains&quot; instead of waiting to be asked.(I sent emails and now, looking back, they are rich in details I had forgotten.) And the third was that my captains were great at telling people either &quot;I don't know&quot; (when they didn't) or &quot;actually I don't think Kate needs you to know all the details&quot; to a lot of questions. There were people I was going to give details to but friends told them &quot;it's a personal thing that needs a lot of her attention&quot; and it turns out people were fine with that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, find someone who will do this for you. Or several someones if need be. Then change your voice mail to say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for calling. I'm not answering live calls because I'm very busy with a family situation. If you know Steve Jones or Jane Smith, you can contact either of them for updates on that situation. If you don't, please be patient and I'll update you when I can. I probably won't return your call; you can text or email if you like, but I can't promise I'll reply. Thanks for thinking of us!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't give contact info for your &quot;captains&quot; -- nosy people who don't know how to reach any of your contacts probably don't need an update. Finally, stop answering your phone unless it's your parents or someone else you know will not be pestering you for updates. Let the voice mail message do its job. Play the messages if you must but you don't have to reply -- you said you might not, after all. Email your captains once in a while. Don't feel you owe replies to people who are curious, but don't understand you are getting 20 or 50 of these every day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T02:55:15.370" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10157" CreationDate="2018-02-06T03:53:31.490" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I convey as much of the above as possible?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, what will convey this the most is not through an apology, but your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stating each one of those points in an apology is still a good start though; just keep in mind that apologies are tricky and can backfire if approached with the wrong mindset. Luckily it seems from your question that you are already aware of this but I will highlight some reasons why just for the sake of saying it. &lt;em&gt;You expressed remorse, took responsibility, did not try to make excuses, are not trying to gain something through apologising and did not expect that everything will be immediately forgiven.&lt;/em&gt; If you can keep this in mind when you apologise then it should not backfire and will be a big help when you start on the real answer to your question, which is showing her with your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want her to know you respect and value her feelings, then value her feelings and do things that show you value her feelings. Exactly the same goes for all the other points; you want to convey that your reform is not a ploy to try and get together with her, then after telling her in the apology, &lt;em&gt;show it&lt;/em&gt; and after [X] amount of time she will understand that you were sincere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, circling back to the worry you expressed in your question, that at the time of apology she believe it is implied that you are trying to get back together with her. With my answer, what I am saying is the best you can do at the time is tell her openly and sincerely. Either she will believe you or not, but it is what you do after that really matters in terms of conveying those things to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T03:53:31.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10164" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10153" CreationDate="2018-02-06T06:35:43.650" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not a flirting issue, it is a &lt;em&gt;respecting boundaries&lt;/em&gt; issue. No, you should not ignore it so he doesn't get a rise. While this approach might eventually stop his actions, before that happens he will escalate to provoke you more strongly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first is that you and your GF need to be on the same page, you already talked so you are halfway there. The second is that you &lt;strong&gt;together&lt;/strong&gt; need to firmly establish this boundary &lt;strong&gt;and defend it&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where it gets tough. As he seems to be someone pushing boundaries and probing how far he can go, you need to have an escalation plan that he can under no circumstances win. Primary rule of escalation: Don't start if you aren't ready to finish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the context and environment, the final escalation step might be anything from physical violence to calling the authorities on him. That sounds extreme and it is, and most likely it won't get to that, but it needs to be clear to both him and you two that he cannot possibly win with an escalation strategy. Typically, when this is clear, the escalation doesn't start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you feel certain that he cannot push through the boundary you establish, you clearly state it, with no ambiguity or softening. The best would be if your GF states the boundary and you reinforce it. &quot;Please stop touching my hair.&quot; - &quot;Now and always.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not enter a discussion. Clearly inacceptable behaviour does not deserve a discussion. You do not need to explain &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; something like this is not ok. If he doesn't know, it's his job to figure it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not enter a lawyer-weaseling session, especially not about what &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; is ok and what isn't. This can be tricky if social touching (e.g. hugging for greeting) is normal in your social circles. But, like a country border, the line might be complicated but it is always &lt;strong&gt;clear&lt;/strong&gt;. Get to that point, state the line, do not let him cross it for even one millimeter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will try your boundary again on another occasion. Be ready to defend it multiple times until he gets it. If he crosses it, &lt;strong&gt;immediately escalate&lt;/strong&gt;. You are sure that you will win the escalation game and he won't, so go there. &quot;Hey, I told you to stop that!&quot; is the first step, it needs to get stronger each time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this might sound harsh and strong to you. It would have to me when I was younger. This is cultural context. I fortunately know people from many different cultures, so if a gradual escalation strategy seems violent, remember that in many countries on earth, he would have been hit in the face without warning if he had done what you describe. I'm happy our society isn't violent anymore, but also realize that this creates more wiggle-room for bullies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T06:35:43.650" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10151" CreationDate="2018-02-06T09:34:33.937" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually think that the option you disregarded initially is the best one. Knock directly on her door. This indicates immediately to her that you aren't a stranger buzzing the intercom, but a known neighbour with access to the building and probably a good reason for knocking in the middle of the night. Perhaps get your wife to do this if you think she is less likely to make your neighbour uncomfortable, although as a single female I wouldn't be bothered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also bear in mind that the noise of the door doesn't appear to bother her nearly as much as it does you. You might want to apologise for scaring her in the middle of the night to help smooth things over. It seems like she just wants to be left alone; so I wouldn't try exchanging phone numbers again or engaging more than that - she knows it's a problem now so if she doesn't fix it (at least mostly - one off forgetfulness is different) I think you're somewhat beyond interpersonal solutions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10464" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T09:34:33.937" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10168" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10175" CreationDate="2018-02-06T11:10:14.163" Score="51" ViewCount="21980" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: I work at a woodworking shop, doing design etc. and both myself and a colleague sometimes do personal projects using the tools, machinery etc. here in our own time. These projects are typically not for personal gain and often end up being gifts for friends, family etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A long time ago (a few years) I showed him this &lt;a href=&quot;https://duffylondon.com/product/tables/abyss-table/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;table&lt;/a&gt; that I had found, and talked about making one, possibly using poured resin rather than different layers of glass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More recently he has begun talking about doing something with resin, more similar to &lt;a href=&quot;https://img1.etsystatic.com/194/0/13469424/il_340x270.1435023147_9jg4.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt;.&#xA;It's a different design but similar in that it still involves poured resin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither of us have any experience in working with resin before, but it was brought up again last week and I basically said &quot;you know what, I'll just buy some and try it to see if I can figure out how to work with it&quot;. I bought a small amount and did just that. Since I bought it, my colleague has been being quite short with me. I thought he might just be in a bad mood in general, which happens sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday at the end of the work day I stayed a short time after hours and mixed a small batch of resin to harden in the pot just as a test. Before doing so I asked my colleague if he would like to come and &quot;mess about with resin&quot; since I knew he was interested in it, and he said no, so I went ahead and did it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After I'd mixed it, I knew I needed to leave it overnight to cure to see the results. I went back into the office to get my things before leaving for home and my colleague was in there, working overtime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I made a brief comment about how the material was to work with and all I got back was a sneer. I asked if he was annoyed that I had ordered resin and the floodgates opened. He stopped short of shouting at me but he was quite aggressive. He said that I had &quot;stolen his excitement&quot; about working with resin and that he'd now learned to keep quiet about any of his future projects. I was taken aback. I apologised and said that it wasn't my intention to do that. If the roles were reversed I would feel interested and excited to see his results with the material and I did not foresee that he might feel the way he does instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He ultimately said &quot;don't worry it's a thing with me, not with you&quot; and walked off, closing the door behind him. Regardless, I do feel bad. &lt;em&gt;I'd like to pursue things more and try to smooth things out a bit, since we've been friendly before and occasionally done things outside work together like playing sports.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;How should I go about this?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For further context I sit about 8 feet away from this colleague in an open plan office. We don't need to talk very much but do need to interact from time to time. He's been civil enough with me so far today but I sense he is still annoyed and I would like to avoid too much bad feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I intend to continue experimenting with resins but I will likely keep this hidden from my colleague and not discuss it with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12461" LastEditorUserId="12461" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T13:36:47.267" LastActivityDate="2018-12-29T04:47:20.827" Title="&quot;Stole&quot; my friend's excitement about a personal project - how to deal with the fallout" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10157" CreationDate="2018-02-06T12:32:08.353" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Timing seems critical here. You &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; just broken up with someone, and unless that is super-top-secret then there is a chance that the friend to whom you wish to apologise knows about this. Perhaps you share even just one common friend, or maybe she's seen your relationship status on social media, there are a number of ways she could know. Even if she doesn't, it might be one of the first things she asks you if you got back in contact and unless you lie then it will have to come out. So, if you contact her right now there is a very high chance that she will either think (a) you want to get back together, or at the very least (b) that your breakup has prompted the contact and you're going through a post-breakup 'what does it all mean' thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thought also occurs that you may also be in denial about your reasons to contact her. It would be understandable, you have just gone through a breakup and you surely are going over the reasons why it ended in your mind. Why else has this old flame suddenly come back to mind? It can't be coincidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not going to provide suggested wording as to what you should say to her if you do talk, only say that you should go with your instincts but consider holding off for now. You may not still feel it is necessary to apologise when you are fully over the breakup, but if you do, it won't seem to her like you are on the rebound.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T12:32:08.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10149" CreationDate="2018-02-06T13:12:18.257" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;FaceBook&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never liked facebook but maybe something like that is exactly what you need. Just create a page for her and put lots of information on it. And if you have any updates then update the page.&#xA;And if people ask you tell them to look at that page because it contains all the detailed information up to date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe it even helps your sister when she sees it and maybe people comment on the page that they miss her and wish her all the best etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess some people might say this is confidential information and not for everybody. I think in principle that is correct, but I am pretty sure in real life lots of people will talk and lots of people will pretend they know the newest info and there will be correct and incorrect information out there. I think the best way you can control this is by publishing the correct information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you or your family have the money and want to spend it on this maybe ask a PR specialist how to handle this best. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T13:12:18.257" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10148" CreationDate="2018-02-06T13:17:57.860" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I don't think there is any way of quickly and conveniently conveying the complexities of what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; consider to be &quot;fair use&quot; to a complete stranger. You would be better not to let them start playing in the first place if you are finding that they dispute it when you ask them to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A polite way of saying no might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but this equipment is for a private party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to stand guarding the equipment then make a sign that says as much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T13:17:57.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-02-06T14:06:03.657" Score="68" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ultimately your colleague has hit the nail on the head here themselves:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;don't worry it's a thing with me, not with you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you tried to share a common interest and further an idea he had, the guy then has a tantrum about this due to some personal issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'd simply speak to him about what he wants you to do in future regarding ideas he's had and try to explain why you wanted to have a go&lt;/strong&gt;, should you take an active interest in his projects or should you just talk to him about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After doing this, he might realize he's being a bit silly with the whole thing. Personally I'd have also been curious to see what an idea I'd had might look like, &lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; without putting any work in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, you've found out what your boundaries are with this person, they should then be able to move past this once you've come to an agreement about things in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T14:06:03.657" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10176" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10179" CreationDate="2018-02-06T14:17:45.703" Score="62" ViewCount="51864" Body="&lt;p&gt;I really love my girlfriend. Out of all the girlfriends that I've had, she's the best. We get along very well on most matters and I have &lt;em&gt;almost&lt;/em&gt; no complaints about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, she has only one problem: jealousy!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am considered to be good company by most people, especially at work and in my family. I really like to talk, laugh, and maintain a fun environment for everybody around me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But she really doesn't like it when I laugh with other women. In respect, I like to avoid talking with other girls or women, just to not make her sad (or mad at me). She doesn't talk with any other guys either, in respect for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But things get serious when she gets upset even if I talk about anything with my family (aunts and cousins). I have to force myself to be serious and show that I do not want to talk to them because otherwise she gets very angry and we start to argue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never given her any reason to distrust me, since I am very transparent in what I do, in what I feel, and in what I think, and I let her have access to everything in my life. She does the same too. We think that if there is nothing to hide there is nothing to worry about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't go to take a ride on my motorcycle without telling her all the time where I am. If I stay about 1 or a half hour without sending any feedback, she get's very angry. She does the same if she goes to any place: She sends me photos and always tells where she is and with whom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's an important point: I'm the first boyfriend of her life. I don't know if this has an influence on something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a good way to start a conversation to solve this with her? I really like her a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12468" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditorDisplayName="user12468" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T23:35:47.067" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T23:35:47.067" Title="How to deal with a jealous girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-02-06T14:26:05.373" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your colleague is behaving like a child. The problem in this situation is his attitude, and not anything you did. Heck, he even admitted it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both took an interest in a construction material/technique. You actually took steps to start experimenting with said materials and techniques, while he did not. You then offered to have him join you on this journey of discovery only to have him sneer at you because he wanted to be the special snowflake who did it all himself. That's something most of us outgrow around twelve years of age, and tolerating that sort of behavior is not doing him any favors.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best course of action is to proceed with your experiments openly, and perhaps, if you still want him around after he gave you that sort of attitude, continue to offer to include in your experiments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also have a one-on-one with him and explain that his behavior was not acceptable, and that you don't appreciate being spoken to in that manner, especially when he himself knows that his attitude is a problem. The reason I mention this is because it's fairly worrying that this guy would think it's OK to yell at you. In my experience, putting him on notice that you won't let him get away with that sort of thing will likely cause him to analyze his actions a little more carefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There seems to exist a misconception that standing up for oneself, and establishing expectations in a professional relationship is somehow inappropriate, inconsiderate, or aggressive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to set the record straight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What your coworker did when he threw his little tantrum is completely unacceptable in a workplace. Furthermore, he is well aware, as he has himself acknowledged. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing wrong in engaging in a conversation about that, communicating that you did not enjoy the experience, and that although you can sympathize with his desire to be the &lt;em&gt;&quot;guy who worked with resin first&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, you would like the incident to never repeat. Heck, mention that you appreciate that he recognized that he was being silly even as it was happening, but that's still not an excuse.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not being rude, or an obstacle to getting along in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T19:34:13.887" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T19:34:13.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10176" CreationDate="2018-02-06T14:52:34.063" Score="158" Body="&lt;p&gt;This behavior should be a big, &lt;em&gt;Big&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;BIG&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; warning sign for you. Whether she simply likes to be in control, has insecurities due to bad previous experiences with other partners, etc. you should work to set boundaries in your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not at all acceptable that you should be reporting on your every coming and going. It is also completely unacceptable that she would give you any sort of attitude when you're simply speaking to other women (&lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; female relatives - that is incredibly alarming).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may think that acquiescing to her requests is simply keeping the peace, and will help to build trust, but in my own experience, if you give in in these situations, her behavior will likely only escalate. How long before she demands access to text messages, chats, or emails? Where would you draw the line when you've previously only ever given in to her demands? The second you refuse her it will constitute - in her eyes - proof of something nefarious, and she will double down on her efforts (likely starting a fight).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, have a very honest conversation with her. Here are the rules of the conversation, as it were: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Initiate the conversation at a time when you are both calm, and in a good mood. Do not broach the topic for the first time when she's just demonstrated poor behavior, as you'll likely be upset, or vice versa, and that will not go well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maintain a level tone of voice&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep your calm &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;at all cost&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she starts getting loud, angry, or otherwise aggressive, call her on it immediately:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There's no need to get upset. Let's keep calm and discuss this like adults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If things get out of hand, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;walk away&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Do not try to comfort her as you were simply trying to discuss a problem you're experiencing in your relationship, and did &lt;em&gt;nothing wrong&lt;/em&gt;. In a relationship you should be able to broach difficult or uncomfortable topics and expect to have an honest and calm conversation about it:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like for us to have the sort of relationship where either of us can broach a topic, and expect the other to honestly, and calmly listen. Neither of us is perfect; there are bound to be other difficult conversation in our future, and I'd like to know that we can get through them like adults. I'd like to take this up again when you've calmed down, and I hope that you'll be a little more willing to engage with me. &lt;em&gt;(then walk away)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that we've established that, bring up everything that's been troubling you. Don't accuse her of anything. Simply be factual:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her that you're both adults, and that as such you will not always be in touch throughout a given day. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain that it demonstrates a severe lack of trust when she demands that you inform her of your whereabouts at all times, and that you have done nothing to deserve such treatment. Her sending you messages and pictures of who she's hanging out with may be her style of communication, but it's not yours, and she should not expect you to reciprocate. Heck, in my opinion it's incredibly unhealthy to keep constant tabs on the other person, but you should find your own way to express this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Discuss her attitude when she sees you speaking to other women. Make it clear that her behavior is not something that you're willing to tolerate. That sort of attitude is not &quot;cute&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Honestly engage with her and ask where all these feelings are coming from. Acknowledge them, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;but do not allow her to use them as an excuse for her behavior&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand that you were cheated on in the past, but I am not the person who did that to you, and I would like to not be treated as if I were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an analogy for you: would it be OK for her to hit you simply because she's upset or angry? What about the other way around? Not cool, right? Using our feelings as an excuse for poor behavior is OK when you're 7, but unacceptable as an adult. It doesn't fly in a court of law, and it shouldn't fly in a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what it all really comes down to is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;what are you willing to do in order to enforce these boundaries in your relationship?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; And that's the rub.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she gets very upset and gives you grief because you didn't &quot;check in&quot; while you were out one evening, trying to appease her would send the wrong message. Instead, you should tell her that she has no reason to be upset, and let her come out of her funk on her own. This will likely lead to accusations of you not caring about her, the relationship, or her feelings to which you should calmly reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On the contrary, I care about you, and our relationship very much. I want it to be based on a foundation of mutual respect, honesty and trust, and I'm afraid that you're not behaving as if you trust me at all. If you want us to last, you have to stop trying to control me, or shame me into feeling guilty because I don't do exactly as you please. That is dishonest and manipulative. &lt;em&gt;(then walk away)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will likely be a long and arduous journey, and will involve not one, but likely many heated conversations (or full out fights). If your relationship survives these, then it will be much stronger and healthier for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if she continues to try and exert dominance over you in this manner, you would be much, &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; better off finding someone else.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T16:11:39.213" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T16:11:39.213" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-02-06T15:55:41.960" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;So a couple of other folks have pointed out that your colleague is not acting in a particularly professional way.  This is one of those things though that comes down to the difference between fault and responsibility.  It's not your fault that this relationship has soured a little, but if you would really like to improve the situation it will likely be your responsibility.  So think clearly about what you want before you start putting effort into things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, easiest thing you can do is appeal to his ego.  Find some reasonably credible reason &lt;strong&gt;you need his help&lt;/strong&gt; and ask him for it, ideally in a way that's related to some attribute or skill in which he takes pride and can provide some direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then ask him for it, meaningfully, even if you don't need it, swallow your own pride a bit, and take that direction ( even if it's wrong ).  Remember that the point here is to work his psychology, not actually finish a project, but ideally, if you ask for and accept his assistance with the proper level of confidence and humility you'll both improve the relationship and your skillset and finish a cool project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12472" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T13:29:26.697" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T13:29:26.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10182" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10185" CreationDate="2018-02-06T16:35:02.100" Score="70" ViewCount="19177" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm the only child in a religious, conservative family.  We do not see eye to eye on many current events, as they often only watch a single (biased) news source, and stand their ground on somewhat narrow/unfounded/unexposed views of the world. For the most part I try to be understanding, since we come from a small, non-diverse town, where most people grow up unexposed to issues outside of the town.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I have found that my dating preference is to date members of the same gender, which has been greatly troubling to my parents.  They first found this out 5 years ago, forcing me to move out. They seemingly &amp;quot;chose to forget&amp;quot; (unspoken, unmentioned, etc) that I had come out to them after the relationship had ended and I was single for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once I started dating again, I came out to my mom again about my sexuality for the second time.  She told me not to ever talk to her about it, and that she wanted no part in knowing about my love life.  She has not told my dad, so he does not contribute to this scenario (but he would react even more poorly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I go through any life struggles and complain to my mom, she starts giving me long winded rants about why I shouldn't live my life by myself.  This often comes off as demeaning and frustrating to me. I'm a very social/romantic person, but she has chosen to not know or be a part of this part of my life and thus her assumptions that I have no one in my life at all are really testing my patience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These conversations usually go something like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;The other day someone knocked on my door at 2am and it was kind of alarming.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom: &amp;quot;You should never answer the door if someone does that! This is why you need to find a soulmate... Someone to protect you, care for you, and be your partner in life. That way I know that you are safe.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I know she genuinely wants me to not be alone, this makes me angry and upset. Because of our relationship when it comes to my sexuality, this instead sounds like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;This is why you need to find a &lt;em&gt;man&lt;/em&gt; to keep you safe, protect you, and take care of you.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Previously, I have over-reacted and told her to essentially &amp;quot;mind her own business&amp;quot; if she didn't want to be part of that part of my life, but she backpedaled and acted hurt by my reaction. I've also tried telling her (albeit subtlely) that I have someone and I don't need her to worry about me.  Neither of these have helped dissuade her continued annoyance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to still have a relationship with my mom in which we can talk about my life and the things that happen.  However, I don't want my mom to talk &lt;em&gt;at me&lt;/em&gt; about my love life, since I'm &amp;quot;not allowed&amp;quot; to respond to her (i.e. telling her that I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; in a relationship and her concern is unwarranted). &lt;strong&gt;How can I, most politely, get it across to my mother that I don't want her talking to me about things she actively chooses to not know about my life?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T13:03:43.227" Title="Responding to my mom's remarks about my love life when she refuses to accept/acknowledge it" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10157" CreationDate="2018-02-06T16:35:19.070" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you seem to be good friends, visiting each other and such, I would go ahead and tell them essentially what you have told us here. As a rough outline,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ex and I broke up recently, and I've been doing a lot of introspection as a result. I realize now, looking back, that I had treated you pretty poorly during that time and didn't respect your feelings, and I'm very sorry for that. I really value your friendship, and hope you can forgive me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep focused on your remorse for past actions and respect for them, and don't mention feelings beyond appreciating them as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's great to have concrete examples of what you value about the friendship too, e.g. &quot;I really value your feedback on my fanfiction&quot; or &quot;You're the best checkers player I know!&quot; This keeps the conversation grounded and is an opportunity for you to be clear about what you're hoping for going forward. (Something like &quot;I hope we can still hang out&quot;, on the other hand, is fairly vague and could be interpreted as a potential for dates, especially if they wanted to see it that way.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's true, you could also explain if you're still processing the breakup, e.g. &quot;I feel terrible about for how selfish I was being without even realizing it, so I think I need to spend the next few months to seriously reflect and work on myself.&quot; That way, they know you are focusing first and foremost on becoming a better person, rather than seeking a replacement relationship. If you are worried about lingering feelings, this will help make it clear you're not trying to get into that right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would steer &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; clear of the (drunken?) confession of feelings here, especially as you haven't discussed it since. Bringing it up now will just muddy the waters - if you two still have mutual feelings when you are ready for a relationship, you can talk about it then :) If not, it will just be a painful reminder at a time when you're trying to apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T16:35:19.070" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10130" CreationDate="2018-02-06T16:57:00.627" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would look at the person speaking, or who is about to speak if there is a pause. If I am the one speaking, I look at one person for a few seconds and switch, except I am adressing one of them specifically, then I look at him/her.&#xA;If I am talking for a long time, I make open gestures, so I am not unintentionally blocking someone with my arms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try not to talk about one person with the other person, e.g &quot;Hey B do you remember when A messed up XY?&quot;, because A would feel left out. If you and another person are talking a lot and the third one is quiet, I would try to invite him, e.g &quot;A, what do you think about XY?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If giving a speach, I draw an eight with my head(slowly!) so everybody feels invited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: So I look at the person speaking, because not looking at him is rude (in my opinion) and the other one will not feel left out, as he can look at the person speaking aswell. If you speak and no one looks at you, you will feel left out and awkward immediately.&#xA;If I am the one speaking, switching from one to another is a simple technique, so everybody gets attention, if I adress someone specifically, I look at him, because that undermines my intention to adress him. Supporting your look with your gestures is an easy way, of inviting everyone into the conversation. Imagine your arms draw two lines, and everyone between those lines is part of the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not talking about one person with another one, because he will feel left out very easily, this is based on personal experience (sorry). Inviting someone by adressing him, is my way of giving quiet people a chance to join the conversation, obviously if they do not want to join, do not do it :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Drawing an eight is just one way to ensure, to look at the whole crowd. It does not matter if there are two or two hundred. If you draw an eight, you look at the center and each corner and your head moves smoothly. Same thought process when talking to two people and looking at everyone for a few seconds. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11838" LastEditorUserId="11838" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T17:18:07.297" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T17:18:07.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10182" CreationDate="2018-02-06T16:59:52.583" Score="97" Body="&lt;p&gt;Wow, I know them feels...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It usually feels like being caught between a rock and a hard place when people ask questions that you know they can't handle the answers to. The place I've come to with these is a sort of &quot;stand my ground policy&quot;, not always easy, or pleasant, but it helps me keep my sanity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It goes something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Have you found a soulmate?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Do you really want to have &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; conversation right now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It gives them an opportunity to rethink what they just said and back off, if they aren't really prepared to &lt;em&gt;get into it.&lt;/em&gt; It also gives a small lip service to their messed up boundaries, and places the onus of the communication breakdown on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically &quot;Do you really want to have &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; conversation right now?&quot; makes it clear that your position/orientation hasn't changed and puts the ball in their court. They can choose to have &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; conversation or not. It's up to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully one day they'll come around and actually be really prepared and willing to have that conversation, but until then you shouldn't be obligated to humor them and pretend that the things they say don't hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T16:59:52.583" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-02-06T17:04:11.610" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people are full of ideas but lack follow-through.  Thomas Edison said &quot;Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.&quot;  Sometimes what a person in that situation needs is for someone to do exactly what you did: just buy some and mess around with it.  It should inspire them to get involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like either you didn't give your friend the opportunity to be involved at that point, or your friend neglected to step-up at that time.  Without knowing them, I cannot speculate as to why.  If you can determine this, you might be able to save the friendship AND help them get unstuck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have this same relationship with a lot of my friends/coworkers.  We talk about crazy projects all the time, but really only about 1% of them get started.  Sometimes we do start each other's ideas.  When that happens, there is a bit of jealousy that takes the form of self-criticism.  &quot;Why didn't I start that?  What is wrong with me!&quot;  But ultimately we are so happy to hear about how it went, and so happy the idea was well-received, that we are likely to offer to help or ask to be involved.  Besides, if I wasn't getting around to it, why should I be mad that someone else did?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest apologizing for not inviting them to see your initial foray into the work sooner, even if they had plenty of chance to do so of their own volition, and give them another chance to do so.  Explain that you aren't trying to steal their idea, you just thought it was a really good one and you wanted to use the opportunity you had.  Continue to share your ideas, even if they don't share theirs.  Ultimately, they should realize that collaboration is best for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12475" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T17:04:11.610" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10187" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10182" CreationDate="2018-02-06T17:09:33.920" Score="78" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your mother is actually saying &lt;em&gt;soulmate&lt;/em&gt; out loud with her mouth, and not &lt;em&gt;man&lt;/em&gt;, how about taking her at face value? You can go several ways with it. You could argue that you don't need a partner to be safe, that you keep yourself safe, that her belief a partner is what you need is old fashioned and stupid, or you can grin and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I keep holding auditions, but you're right, the role is not filled right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she wants no part of knowing about your love life, she shouldn't bring the topic up. So she may react with &quot;ugh ew don't talk about that to me&quot; in which case you can cheerfully say &quot;you brought it up, mom!&quot; Or she may get the wrong end of the stick and be all &quot;ooh you are dating a man? Tell me all about him!&quot; in which case you can say &quot;nope, I am not auditioning men, still want to know?&quot; or she may just blush and change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you're not confronting or correcting her. Most importantly, you don't run the risk of &quot;punishing the desired behavior.&quot; If she is actually willing, even on the tiniest and most superficial level, to acknowledge who you date, the last thing you want to do is push her down and tell her she said years ago not to talk to her about this, ever. Keep it light and happy (you're not upset about who you date) and let her set the boundaries about what you discuss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, she would be able to discuss some aspects of your social life without getting upset. The next best thing is that she would stop initiating discussions about you having a partner because she realizes that leads to talking about your social life. It sounds like you'd be happy with either of those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T13:03:43.227" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T13:03:43.227" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10130" CreationDate="2018-02-06T17:24:34.443" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a &lt;em&gt;very generic&lt;/em&gt; rule of thumb, it's common to start with looking at who's talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please notice I said &quot;start with&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later on during the speech, it all depends of what is being spoken about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the speaker is speaking about himself or someone/something currently not present, you may want to keep on looking at the speaker with occasional glances to the third person if you feel like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BUT&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the speaker is speaking about the third person, you may want to &lt;em&gt;mainly&lt;/em&gt; look at the third person e.g. to perceive reactions. This is the classical case of job interview: one is you, one is talking to you and other people are looking at you in order to analyze how you behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in the end, it strictly depends on the context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T17:24:34.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10182" CreationDate="2018-02-06T17:44:33.810" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like any sort of &amp;quot;we don't talk about it&amp;quot; agreements can only work if &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; people observe them, and she is the one that breaks it all bets are of, at least in the context of that conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom: You need a soulmate&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I do, she's very nice&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom: I asked you not to tell me these things!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Well, if you don't want to hear about my soulmates, don't bring 'em up&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, your mother should get used to your &amp;quot;dating preferences&amp;quot; and stop being judgy about such things, but if that's not in the cards at least it can be used to shoot down annoying dating advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T17:44:33.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10190" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10262" CreationDate="2018-02-06T17:55:12.923" Score="79" ViewCount="19648" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been friends with &amp;quot;Susan&amp;quot; for about 8 years now. She's part of my inner circle of best friends and the four of us meet up at my house every couple of weekends to play games and hang out. We all met in grade school and we're now in our early 20's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of the location of my house usually &amp;quot;Arnold&amp;quot; will pick up &amp;quot;Gerard&amp;quot; and Susan and bring them over in his car. I have the best house to hang out in and all the board games and D&amp;amp;D supplies and such are stashed here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been having the group of them over for years and Susan is always late. We joke about it, it's a known factor in our friend group and we put up with it, but it's really starting to wear thin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that she'll claim she'll be on time and stick to that even when she knows she's lying. I'm talking down to the last minute. Arnold and Gerard will confirm that they're going to pick her up at 1:30 and at 1:20 text to confirm where she is and she'll say she'll be ready. Then they have to wait 30 minutes for her to show up at the arranged spot because she was still a 25 minute walk away from the meetup when she said she'd be on time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Susan knows how long it takes to get places (at least within 5mins, I'm not expecting NASA levels of accuracy here), so the frustration comes from the fact that she won't just admit that she's late so we can plan around it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am very good friends with her and the rest of the group and I'm fairly sure I can be toneally appropriate about broaching the subject for us, but I have no idea what words to use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What do I say to Susan to make it clear that we're not mad about the fact that she's late, but that it would be a lot easier if she'd just come clean about it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear I'm not trying to change her late behavior. She's always been late and she'll probably always be late. We're used to it. The problem is the strain it puts on the rest of us waiting around for her to get somewhere / be ready / do something. We could use the time for other things and only show up when she's ready to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;UPDATE&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for all the feedback guys! However,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am not looking for more suggestions to tell Susan a different meetup time&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please stop suggesting it! I respect her too much to lie to her; it's rude and underhanded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, as I stated in my question I am not interested in fixing the late behavior. The only thing I want is a way to mitigate her incorrect estimations of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4407" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-03-04T20:30:01.153" Title="How to talk to someone about being chronically late - not to fix it, just to get more accurate ETAs?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10191" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10148" CreationDate="2018-02-06T18:00:44.683" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You idea for other kids to play with the toys for a bit is good. But, enforcing this gracefully is not always in your control completely. Some kids and parents are more empathetic than others and might not take you seriously until you show your angry face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will share what I do when I take my nephew out to play. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little background: I am a 25 years old single male and my nephew is 3 years old. My neighborhood has people from middle and above middle class and there is this one park where all of these folks go. Kids between the ages of 2 and 6 almost always play side by side. Most of the parents do not supervise the kids play. But, when there is a little tension or commotion between the kids during play, these parents intervene and deal this in the adult way. This sometimes leads to verbal fights between parents. A kid's choice of friends is almost always affected by how well their parents get along.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My nephew has some good toys and some older kids (4-6 years old) would want to play with them. Instead of asking the other kids to play with it for a while, I encourage them to play with my nephew - with or without toys. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is helpful in the following ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My nephew gets to meet and play with other kids and they almost always learn something from each other. Also, my nephew likes to play with other kids. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If a certain kid wants only the toys, he/she will lose interest in the group (and eventually the toys) after few minutes. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not always fool proof. I have listed a couple of tough situations and how I deal with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some kids would not want to play with other kids and try to sneak away a toy. They are just kids and you can't blame them. If I am going to react by trying to protect the toy (an object), the kids will think that the object has more value than playing together. In such a situation, I would talk to the respective parent and I would say something like, &quot;Hello Mam, looks like your kid likes my nephew's toy. These are my nephew's favorite and I think it is best that the toys are in the vicinity of my nephew.&quot; I have never lost a toy to a kid so far. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Kids might not know how to play together with some toys. At these times, I would help them create their own game. This is even more fun for the older kids. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is also the problem of the kids not getting along with each other. And I have to be extra careful when my nephew is playing with older kids - a rough push from an older kid might hurt my kid. At these times, a parent has to intervene, not to take sides, but to let them understand the consequences and teach them from right and wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this is just my 2 cents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9265" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T21:05:11.947" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T21:05:11.947" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-06T18:02:39.730" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem here is the fact that you guys are letting her get away with this behavior (amounts to lying and complete disrespect for your time). Establish expectations and boundaries in the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit down with her next time this happens, and tell her that it's really inconsiderate to let people wait for her 20+ minutes when they're doing her a favor by picking her up. Especially when she &lt;em&gt;knows&lt;/em&gt; she's going to be running late - at that point she's flat out lying, and you should tell her as much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain that next time you'll simply drive off after 5 minutes, because she needs to learn to respect everyone else's time. Once the warning has been issued, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;follow through on it&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. The next time she's leaving you guys waiting for more than a reasonable amount of time, drive off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same thing if you're all waiting for her to show up to a D&amp;amp;D session. Start without her if she's more than 15 minutes late (or whatever you deem appropriate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T18:02:39.730" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10140" CreationDate="2018-02-06T18:05:15.993" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest you apologize to your colleague and reiterate how valuable his/her comments are to you. The shorter your email, the better. Here is an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear Colleague,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am writing to apologize for the rudeness of my reply to your comments. I hope you will forgive me and that we will keep exchanging views.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I look forward to hearing from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Warm regards&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12178" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T19:14:18.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10182" CreationDate="2018-02-06T18:12:39.433" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had certain problems with my parents in the past regarding my career choices, and my sister also went through  such a phase regarding certain life decisions. We did not like to compromise on our core priorities and found that our parents eventually 'came round' to our way of thinking, to the extent of supporting our respective policies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As my sister, who is a counselling psychologist, explains it,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;most parents originally see their children as extensions of their own selves, and later expect them to conform to social stereotypes. It is quite a shock for many a parent to realize that their offspring is not exactly swimming in the social mainstream, and their initial tendency is to judge/ argue/ advise/ correct. It's only when it doesn't work that parents tend to realize that their adult children are entirely unique personalities with their own identities and preferences, at which stage the parents begin to see their children's strengths rather than their 'differences.' Meanwhile the children also become more mature and less insecure about their parents' earlier disapproval. This resolves the conflict of perceptions and expectations between parents and offspring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Observing many of our friends and relatives I find that even parents who were originally skeptical or disapproving of their adult children's life choices have soon become reconciled to the realities and become very supportive of their policies and decisions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As my parents said recently in a frank and philosophical moment,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we are no longer bothered about our children's career/life choices because we learned over the years that we are not answerable to society for our children's decisions, nor are they themselves bound to follow social stereotypes in this enlightened modern world. What we are very satisfied with is that our children have become unique, responsible individuals; each is a good son/ daughter; and both are good human beings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short you need to give your mother time to get adjusted to the cognitive dissonance between long-established social stereotypes of romantic relationships ('&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=%22heteronormative+dominant+culture%22&amp;amp;&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;hetero-normative dominant culture&lt;/a&gt;') and your unique individual preferences, which follow the equally valid 'minority path'. Also be careful to avoid hostility in your current interactions with your parents. Simply the fact that Mom said &quot;soulmate&quot; rather than &quot;a man&quot; is grounds for encouragement, as rightly pointed out by @Kate Gregory in an earlier answer. Your mother is likely to see things from your point of view, over a period of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Meanwhile keep meeting your parents and communicating with them in a frank and cheerful manner, never being apprehensive or apologetic about your life decisions&lt;/strong&gt;, so that they will be positively influenced by &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;your concrete reality&lt;sup&gt;☆&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; in opposition to entrenched yet abstract societal stereotypes. I am certain that your parents will sooner or later learn to ignore artificial 'differences' imposed by society and become very confident and accepting of the fact that you are a unique person with your own unique qualities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, parents often worry about their children and mothers tend to express it  more than fathers do. &lt;strong&gt;You can reassure her by showing her that you are happy, safe and stable in your identity and relationships.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;sup&gt;☆&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; A friend who has the experience just now suggested that if you are currently in a stable relationship,  then introducing your partner to your mother and even bringing her home for a visit (or arranging a lunch meet somewhere, etc) could go a long way towards breaking down intellectual and emotional barriers by making Mom see the warm human realities and dynamics of your personal life in its natural context. It makes sense because it's easy to oppose a relationship preference on general principles but much more difficult to be hostile in thinking of a real person who is in front of you: and also helps a parent to concretely visualise you in a healthy relationship. This is the approach that so many of my cousins who married men/women 'from other communities' (read Indian inter-caste marriage) used to win their parents' eventual understanding and approval, with most parents coming to the conclusion that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;whoever my son/daughter may have chosen as partner, they are happy together and that's what really matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is something you might try out if it seems to you that your mother could be initially neutral, or even 'only slightly hostile', to the idea of such an approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T13:35:46.723" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T13:35:46.723" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10195" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-06T18:18:14.083" Score="86" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some people for whom the intricacies of a clock are a mystery.  There are others who just expect others to wait on them.  There are also some who like the drama and attention.  Absent more info, it's hard to say which of these Susan is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, I suspect that she's not late to work every day, so the excuse of &quot;I'm always late&quot; doesn't really fly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What has worked for me in the past is to simply say, &quot;I'm going to be here and I'll wait for 10 minutes.  if you're not here, it's no big deal - I'll just leave and we can catch each other later.&quot; So you're not being a jerk about but establishing boundaries.  Then if Susan misses her ride, your response can be &quot;I was there; I waited for 10 minutes like we planned; I didn't see you or hear from you, so I left&quot;.  After a couple missed rides, she'll learn that you aren't a personal taxi service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really this is Gerard's issue if he's the one picking her up.  It's annoying to you as the host, I'm sure, but you're at least home and not waiting in your car for her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit in response to Aaron's comment: This all depends on how hard-nosed you want to be as well.  If Susan calls to say &quot;I realize you're going to leave shortly; I'll be there in 10 minutes&quot;, I'd wait the extra 10 minutes.  After all, the desired result is for her to give an accurate idea of how long to wait and not be demanding of our friends.  I'd also add this comment: changing someone else's behavior is hard.  However, changing &lt;em&gt;yours&lt;/em&gt; is easy. That's the basics of my response: we can either try to get someone to change their behavior, which is hard, or we can change our response to their behavior, which is much easier and may, as a side benefit, lead to the desired behavior change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T15:25:40.943" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T15:25:40.943" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-06T18:21:50.017" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some people are just really bad at time.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it's productive to interpret Susan's behavior as &lt;em&gt;lying&lt;/em&gt; about whether she's running late. There are people who simply struggle greatly when it comes to managing and estimating time, and it sounds like Susan is one of those people. That means this isn't a problem you can fix through social pressure, like a lecture or an intervention. She is already doing the best she can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've expressed that you can accept that she will be late, as long as you have a better sense of when to actually expect her. You can work on different strategies to achieve this -- for example, instead of asking her if she'll be at [meeting place] at, say, 1:30, simply ask her at 1:30 where she is. If she's on the way, you can do your own calculation to see how much longer you should expect to wait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also adjust your planning to avoid having to wait for her as much as possible. Don't organize something that will hold the whole group hostage until she arrives. Especially with things like gaming, it's simple to set a start time and hold firm to that start time, as long as everybody knows and agrees that Susan can jump right in as soon as she arrives with no hard feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: Stop thinking like she's being late &lt;em&gt;at&lt;/em&gt; you. She isn't lying, she's just wrong. If you are willing to accommodate her tardiness, change the way you coordinate and change the way you organize to keep yourself and the rest of your group from being negatively impacted. You're not going to magically change her ability to estimate time, and simply demanding that she somehow be more accurate in her predictions will only lead to frustration for everyone involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1878" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T18:21:50.017" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-02-06T18:47:08.343" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with everyone above: your colleague's reaction is over-the-top and &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; reflect his personal issues. Previous respondents have tried to analyse possible reasons for his emotional investment in being The Only One To Have Thought Of This - but really, it could be anything, so I'm not going to recommend a solution based on his imagined issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's got hurt feelings, we don't know why. The thing people want when their feelings are hurt is &lt;strong&gt;validation&lt;/strong&gt;. This much-abused concept doesn't mean telling him he's &quot;right&quot; or apologising for whatever he thinks you've done, simply recognising that he's cheesed off and it's got something to do with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You're angry - I'm sorry you feel that way&quot; might be a bit of a blunt tool, but there are lots of ways to say it. Something like &quot;I had no idea you didn't want me to do it; I'm sorry you felt I stepped on your toes&quot; might do it. I also think it's a good idea to try and open a conversation about the project going forward: is he interested in working together with you, or should you just leave it alone now? (Be prepared for a not-quite-reasonable reply!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the man clearly has got some ego vulnerabilities, do try validating him occasionally with positive feedback - don't go over the top, but it's a simple kindness to give people a boost now &amp;amp; again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to the resin project: keep working on yours if you want to; he has no right to dictate your out-of-hours activity. But it's diplomatic to keep quiet about it if he's rejected your partnership proposal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. Bad working relationships can really poison your life, so I hope this chap's outburst was more of a blip than &quot;who he really is&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12480" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T18:47:08.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-02-06T19:14:04.933" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Leave it and leave an open door for him in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My interpretation of his behavior is that he has some form of self-esteem issue. He wanted to play with resin, but he didn't do it. You did instead and now he feels slow/dumb/not proactive /who knows. This makes him sour and so he turned on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he meant what he said he also recognized that his behavior is absurd and that he's in the wrong. But knowing that's the case and emotionally accepting it are two different things. Something deep inside might be yelling to him : &quot;You d* f*, why haven't you done it?&quot; and something less deep, which copes with this feeling might be pointing at you as the culprit. He feels this, even tho he rationally understands otherwise. Anytime you go ask about it the bitterness comes around again, further he might feel humiliated because of having to deal with it and having to confront you on this. And you might be again considered ad the culprit. Then the cycle has come full circle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might take time (and some external help)  for him to fix this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'd just give this topic  a rest. Take some time before going back to him on some other topic (like maybe inviting him out for sports) but do it if you feel inclined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't take special measures to hide your newfound hobby. And if he ever asks.. Be ready to welcome him back! He might be coming from a long travel and out of the wood. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9151" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T19:14:04.933" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10199" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10176" CreationDate="2018-02-06T19:19:00.437" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Simplistic answer&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself if is there any point in keeping this relationship. As pointed by others, this does not seem to be a thing that can easily be changed and is very possible to get worse as time passes. This is a pretty screwed up situation.&#xA;Instead of a partnership, you are in a dictatorship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I started dating, I set the limits right away: no demanding passwords, no demanding to read texts or stuff like that. My stuff is mine and yours is yours. I want to go out with my friends and I will not be bothered if you want to go out with your friends without me. Each one has to have its own personal space. All in all, if one is to cheat, they will do it no matter what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 1:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We think that if there is nothing to hide there is nothing to worry&#xA;  about&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is the same as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we don't want freedom of speech since we have nothing to say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7095" LastEditorUserId="7095" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T11:31:24.693" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T11:31:24.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-06T20:02:49.517" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually just had to have this conversation with someone, my therapist offered some advice as how to have the conversation and it worked really well so here is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Structure your conversation like so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;When [you're late] [lie about being on time]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I assume [you don't respect our time] [we're not important enough to you] [you can't manage your time] [you need to be late] etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Because of these assumptions, I feel [annoyed] [disrespected] [upset] etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Because of these feelings, I find myself [not wanting to invite you] [having Gerard not be your ride] etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What I would like is for you to &lt;strong&gt;be upfront about when you will&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;strong&gt;arrive&lt;/strong&gt; at the meeting spot or &lt;strong&gt;let us know that you will be late as soon as you know&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach does not attack her, it simply lays out how her actions are affecting you in a negative way and you clearly state what actions she can do to help with those negative affects. Be sure to be as neutral as possible when having this conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like you said, you cannot change her or her behavior, you can only illustrate how her actions affect you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T20:02:49.517" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-06T20:11:59.160" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who can be chronically late, I think there can be a lot of shame involved with being that way. She might be lying to you in that moment, but it's possible that she is also lying to &lt;em&gt;herself&lt;/em&gt; about her own ability to make it on time out of guilt and frustration, perhaps giving increasingly overly optimistic estimates as she grows further behind. It's not your responsibility to have to confront her about that potential aspect of this or push her to deal with it, but it can make resolving this more complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should tell her that instead of everyone having to wait an extra 30 minutes in the car at the meetup point, they'd much rather she'd please calm down and take a few minutes to actually take stock of what she's doing beforehand and give a &lt;em&gt;pessimistic&lt;/em&gt; estimate of how long it will be to get everything done every time she is asked for one. If she says she's already doing this, just ask that she adds on another 15-30 minutes from now on- she's making an effort, it's just not enough. Even if this if it means she will be picked up at 2:15 or later rather than 2:00 after all the waiting, this means that Arnold and Gerard can leave for the meetup point at an appropriate time rather than be stuck in the car. In the worst case, she shows up too early and learns what it's like to wait, though if this happens you should remind her that she should just consider that in her estimates instead of just assuming the new meetup time should be when she showed up that time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are frequently doing the exact same pickup route and event, and she is doing the same things beforehand, she should be able to build better estimates of each task. Furthermore, if she is always walking to the meetup point, once she is walking you can remind her to give her estimate based on what a GPS app says her time will be with an appropriate number of minutes added, and kindly ask for a screenshot of it if this is still a problem despite that. Though she may balk at being called out on this, knowing she cannot fudge it means she will have to admit both to you and herself that she is behind schedule. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is a problem, be sure to remind her that it's not that you think she's intentionally lying, but that you want to be sure she's not being too optimistic about being on time again. You love her as you love all your friends, and want to make sure everyone's expectations are in sync rather than someone misjudging the other's estimate one way or the other - because if her expectations are wrong despite this effort, Arnold &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; naturally start coming even later and that will definitely end with her waiting even if she improves afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the problem is that this happens no matter what she does beforehand, if it's feasible you can remind her that she should plan to not do &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; that is not absolutely urgent for 20-30 minutes before she has to leave, because she is clearly not admitting to herself that cannot judge how much of a buffer she needs, and even rushing through tasks can push her past the time she needs to leave. This also leaves time for those last minute problems we sometimes cannot avoid - lost keys, a pet that needs to be let out, and so on. Even if it makes her life more difficult due to the time lost, it will shave off time in the long run and is more respectful of everyone else's day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12484" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T20:38:19.493" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T20:38:19.493" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10206" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10216" CreationDate="2018-02-06T20:21:16.393" Score="86" ViewCount="34048" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; – How do I tell a childhood friend that both my parents and I most likely cannot afford to travel for her wedding (to which I am to be a bridesmaid) without making her angry/defensive?.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anne and I have been close friends since we were children. Despite our families closeness, we live ~ 2,000mi apart, thus limiting time spent together to a week every summer when they would visit us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anne met Jack four years ago. They got engaged, the wedding is ‘planned’ for two years from now. She asked me to be a bridesmaid shortly after they got engaged last year. They've just recently decided to have a destination wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I moved to their city 3 years ago for college . After grad I lived with them briefly, for very generously discounted rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few stressful months of living there, I finally found a job in my field and almost immediately moved into a cheap boarding house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anne and Jack have decided that they’re getting married somewhere tropical. Anne had asked me to be a bridesmaid before they chose this location.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I am working an entry level job and have much student debt, I doubt highly that this time next year I will have $2000~ to go anywhere. I only get 5 vacation days next year, and none for this year, therefore I would take unpaid days off. My employer is really lenient, I'm almost positive we could work something out for time off. I don’t yet have any savings, and am basically still living paycheck to paycheck. As a bridesmaid I would also be paying for my own dress/hair/makeup as well, though I'm not involved in planning the bachelorette party and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ve talked to my parents about it, and they don’t think they are going to be able to swing it either. From experience, if my parents tell Anne’s mother they can’t make it, she’ll probably get defensive and/or miffed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell my friend that both my parents and I probably won’t be able to afford traveling such a distance for her wedding, without her taking it personally and getting angry/defensive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12483" LastEditorUserId="12483" LastEditDate="2021-05-30T01:51:34.603" LastActivityDate="2021-05-30T01:51:34.603" Title="How do I tell a friend I can't afford her wedding?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10206" CreationDate="2018-02-06T20:33:42.827" Score="86" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would be straight-forward and direct about it. Simply state the facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am very happy for you and I am honored that you've asked me to be a&#xA;  bridesmaid, but I don't have the financial resources nor the vacation&#xA;  days available to allow me to attend. Please accept my regrets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE:&lt;/strong&gt; in the world of manners, you do not owe your friend anything for missing the wedding. Deciding to have a &quot;destination wedding&quot; or to require extravagant expenses for a wedding is deciding that some will not be able to attend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that your friend will like your answer. Many people in her situation assert that if you really wanted to be there you'd find a way, and while it's true that if your life depended on it you could probably finagle your way there, inviting someone to spend thousands of dollars and use all of their foreseeable vacation days to come celebrate your wedding isn't remotely polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; as @mickburkejnr points out, it is very important to be prompt in letting her know. Presumably, she will have to select a new bridesmaid, so it will make things easier on her to know earlier. Also, giving her quick feedback may help her understand that attending is simply impossible and not triggered by you deciding to do something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastEditorUserId="12085" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T14:15:57.167" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T14:15:57.167" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10151" CreationDate="2018-02-06T20:43:31.727" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;My thoughts/framing of problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are facing a tough situation from an IPS standpoint as many of your attempts at polite and direct avenues of communication/resolution have been actively limited by your neighbor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do nothing&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not really an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Phone&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She hasn't given us her number (we have given her ours and tried to arrange chats) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems like she has already shut down this method of communication&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Front Buzzer&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't feel comfortable with you ringing my door bell in the middle of the night.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting your concerns through to somebody will be tough if they feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like this method of communication is one your neighbor is comfortable with and has reciprocated, unfortunately a note slipped under a door rarely wakes somebody in time to save you sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Knocking on her door and talking face to face&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that you and your wife have already interacted with your neighbor during the day via this method, but sporadically and never at an agreed upon or planned time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for knocking on her door during the night, her previous discomfort at ringing her buzzer as well as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I decided that knocking on her actual door was not ideal (as the entry way is dark and I am tall) I didn't want to scare our single female neighbour&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;makes this option seem as bad as the others, but it is basically your only option at this point for addressing the issue while its happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some indirect methods for resolution have also been brought up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Getting the police involved&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with you that this seems heavy-handed, nobody in this situation has broken any laws (afaik).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bringing in the landlord/property manager&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you are hesitant to do this, one of the roles of a landlord can be conflict resolution between tenants and &lt;em&gt;another role is building maintenance&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Neighbor POV&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I cannot infer much about your neighbor's viewpoint, the exercise of trying to see her perspective can lead to new insights. From her angle, she moved into a new flat with a door that sometimes blows in the breeze and makes some noise, but it doesn't bother her. The door was already like that. Her neighbors are really sensitive light sleepers and keep bothering her about her door and expecting her to put in effort to make their lives easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice, seeing as you have tried and been shutdown on a number of direct approaches to resolution without outside intervention is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk to your landlord about the door issue instead of the conflict&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over anything else I would advise talking to your landlord, but not in the frame of &quot;neighbor x won't properly secure her door&quot;, in the frame of &quot;Building has issue with loudly banging doors. This issue (in neighbors' doors as well as our own) has a serious negative impact on my sleep.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best possible outcome here is that your landlord did not eve know about the banging doors and fixes them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they know about the issue, but will not fix the doors, possibly because there isn't a problem when the doors are &quot;properly used&quot; (read closed and secured), then you could request that they send a reminder to all tenants to properly secure the doors to prevent the issue, or something along those lines. This puts official sanction behind your requests to your neighbor without directly involving the landlord in your conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may tell you to just work it out with your neighbor, but the base result of this conversation with your landlord is that they are now aware of/have acknowledged:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The banging doors issue&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your neighbor's door costing you sleep, generally being a nuisance&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that if the situation comes to a head in the future they are aware of your side of the story which, combined with your seniority as a longer existing tenant, will work in your favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If no door fix or PSA is forthcoming from your landlord conversation then I would advise continuing as you have. Some people need to hear things more than once (or twice) to get the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to avoid causing discomfort and hostility at the cost of not immediately fixing the problem that night, leave a note (continuing with your English politeness, but maybe let a little passive-aggression creep in) &lt;em&gt;every&lt;/em&gt; night this happens. Maybe offer more door-holding supplies, even an offer of helping show how to use the door-holders. This approach bends to your neighbor's limiting of communication, but emphasizes that this really matters to you, enough to leave her a note each time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For an immediate fix, try sending your wife to knock on her door, this should reduce the scariness you feared imposing by being tall and male. Your wife could also go the buzzer route, but this, unlike the door has been specifically requested to not happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the problem still persists then return to your landlord with a direct complaint, you've done all you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal opinion/thoughts:&lt;/strong&gt; (not part of my answer) &lt;em&gt;IANAL and not familiar with Aussie noise laws, but here in the US, noise complaints at night and during the day are totally different in law. Your complaint would hold a lot more weight than her &quot;noises during the day I don't complain about.&quot; This combined with the other factors I mentioned above means that if an authority (cops/landlords) became involved, you would be in the right.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T20:43:31.727" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10211" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-06T20:59:15.000" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question, as phrased, singles out Susan as &quot;the&quot; problem. I would like to try to present a more positive view. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I trust Susan, being your friend for 8 years, almost half your life, has qualities that make your friendship worth preserving. In that case, I suggest you try to talk to her in a way that makes her feel loved. Below is an example of what you could  say to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Susan, we all are friends forever. When you are late, we feel disconnected from you. The entire group is here, except you. We really miss you. We don't want you to change, we just want to see more of you. Do you need extra time to be ready? Should we call you earlier?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12178" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T20:59:15.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-06T21:38:41.430" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who is similarly always late for scheduled appointments, and when we meet for lunch, I deal with this by asking him to text me when he is actually walking to his car to head to the restaurant.  This works because of three things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know how long it takes him to get to our meeting place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can get to our meeting place as fast as, or faster than, he can&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can trust him not to send a text saying he has left when he actually hasn't.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like #1 and #2 apply to your situation.  #3 may or may not.  You have stated that you have tried calling her to ask if she will arrive on time and not gotten an honest/accurate response, but you may get a different result by asking her to let you know once she has left.  That removes the need for her to do any calculation or estimation, and she might not feel the same pressure to give a pleasing response that she would by being asked directly, &quot;are you going to be there on time?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12491" LastEditorUserId="12491" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T22:19:08.597" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T22:19:08.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10214" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-06T21:40:09.410" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;Thank goodness there are understanding replies! I'm chronically late, and have recently discovered that I fit the criteria for ADHD in adult women. Yes, I'm late for work. My chronological disability also means I work late without noticing, so I choose to work for people who care more about performance than the clock.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friends often lie about a meet-up time, making it an hour earlier for me. I know that they do this, but not whether they've lied on a given occasion - so, now and again, I'll arrive &quot;on time&quot; only to find I'm an hour early! This is okay: I'm the very last person to complain about others' timekeeping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree there's a lot of shame attached to lateness. Because of this, it's not the best idea to lecture Susan or micro-manage her time; it's likely to multiply her anxiety. For me, this causes a sort of mental paralysis that makes me even later (or cancel altogether). In any case, nobody wants to cause shame &amp;amp; distress to their friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain the inconvenience, making it factual rather than emotional.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask whether she'd like you to ring her an hour and 25 minutes beforehand, to make sure she's nearly ready and out of the house respectively - so you can readjust your schedules if she's in a tizz.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Discuss the &quot;lying&quot; strategy with her. If she says you should give her an earlier time, check that she'll know what to do with herself if she ends up being early sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reassure her strongly that you don't want to stress her out, you simply want to know what to expect! So there's no need to say she's nearly there if she's only half-way, she can just provide correct information.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reassure that you want to spend time with your friend, not judge her. Women can worry excessively about our appearance, and completely lose sight of the fact that it's better to turn up bare-faced &amp;amp; untidy than fret about how we look.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Added: I've just seen duggulous's reply, where they say they get their late friend to text when he's on the move. I like this very much; it relieves the late person's anxiety and, paradoxically, probably helps him get there in reasonable time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that many people see persistent lateness as arrogance or melodrama, and with some people it is. In such cases, stern words &amp;amp; threats might be necessary. But, for most of us, it actually is a disability that needs to be worked around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12480" LastEditorUserId="12480" LastEditDate="2018-02-06T21:49:01.693" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T21:49:01.693" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10206" CreationDate="2018-02-06T22:21:10.153" Score="148" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to say &quot;no&quot; to Anne while minimizing damage to the friendship.  That's hard, but you can convey that you care, gently let her down, and look for alternatives.  In this particular case it might even be a little &lt;em&gt;easier&lt;/em&gt;, because you're probably not the only invitee who can't afford to make the trip.  I recommend something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anne, I'm really excited for you and Jack, and I'm honored that you'd like me to be part of your celebration.  I just can't attend a distant wedding, unfortunately; I don't have enough vacation days and I won't be able to save up that much money.  I do want to be part of your celebration, though.  Are you going to have a local reception too for the friends who can't attend the ceremony in Cuba?  Could I be part of that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start on a positive note: you're happy for her!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; have difficulties.  Avoid any language like &quot;because you're doing this in Cuba&quot;; &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't have the vacation, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; can't afford it, but you're not judging &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; or her choices.  (Optionally, you could say something like &quot;you know how it is, just getting started after school&quot;, if you think she does and this would help.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Propose another way to be involved.  By moving directly to this, you (with luck) forestall a discussion of your finances.  The last words out of your mouth will probably be the first ones she responds to, so this is your chance to control the direction of the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't had that particular difficult conversation with a friend, but I've had others where I had to gently say no to something that was really important to the other person.  This answer is based on that experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T14:51:57.913" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T14:51:57.913" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10218" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10176" CreationDate="2018-02-06T22:27:00.773" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;What is it that you like about this person?  Does she have many things to offer in other areas?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a woman, I can tell you that this behavior is very alarming and not normal. Your GF has some major issues to work out and is very insecure with herself. She is also manipulating you into getting her way by saying things like &quot;how would you like it if i was flirting with another guy...&quot; etc. That isn't what you are doing.  You are talking to friends and family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise her that she needs to work on her issues with a therapist or that the relationship is pretty much doomed. This isn't a problem you can fix!  She probably has no business dating anyone, unless they are also very insecure and willing to put up with that silliness. Sorry you are in that position!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also agree with the poster who mentioned she might be cheating. People who are cheaters are often very suspicious of their partners doing the same thing.  But it sounds more likely to me that she was probably cheated on in the past or just had a number of other things happen to get to this place of being very insecure. Being insecure isn't a dealbreaker, we all have some of this.  But jealousy and manipulation to that extent definitely are!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12495" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T04:57:05.120" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T04:57:05.120" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10182" CreationDate="2018-02-06T22:52:44.257" Score="11" Body="&lt;h2&gt;The Answer&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's actually fairly simple - that is, not complicated; it might not be easy to bring yourself to hold up to it though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just keep pointing out that you are not allowed to talk about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: You should... (or &quot;Why don't you...&quot; or &quot;You need...&quot; or&#xA;  whatever)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I do, but you don't know about it because you told me not to talk&#xA;  to you about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it. Period. Case closed... except that she might have a comeback. If she does, all you need to do is question whether you are allowed to talk about that now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: You know what I mean! What you talked about before, well that&#xA;  just isn't the same. She wouldn't be able to protect you the same&#xA;  anyway. (or &quot;That's just a phase, and some day you'll snap out of it.&quot;&#xA;  or whatever)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: It's not possible to have this conversation if I can't actually&#xA;  talk about it. So can I talk about it or not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get anything resembling a &quot;Yes&quot; in any way, then just continue as if it's a yes. Otherwise, it's a &quot;No&quot;, and you could say &quot;Well then we can't talk about it. So what other things should we talk about?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the kicker: You can &lt;em&gt;keep repeating&lt;/em&gt; the above over and over to the point of sounding like a broken record. &quot;Can I talk about it or can't I? No? Then we can't talk about it so what else is there to talk about?&quot; If you get accused of being childish or immature, that is the only time you should break out of your canned response, in which case something to the effect of...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: You're just acting childish now! This is why I say it's just a&#xA;  phase. When you mature... yatta yatta.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I don't really have a choice. You won't actually let me talk, as&#xA;  in, you have said I am not allowed to talk about it, but then  you&#xA;  keep talking about it. You are manipulating the situation, so &lt;em&gt;I'm&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;  not the one acting immature. &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; am trying to have an adult&#xA;  conversation, but that can only happen if we change the topic or if&#xA;  you let me speak my mind: so which is it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to fine-tune the exact wording of that one a bit, but that's the basic idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the topic changes, fine, otherwise you can still just keep repeating these 1 or 2 things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3245" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T04:36:13.537" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T04:36:13.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10176" CreationDate="2018-02-06T22:58:05.940" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Treat jealousy like a mental health issue: Do not take it seriously, but do take the person suffering from it and her needs seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a relationship, there is a reasonable amount of information flow, such as what you are doing and where you are. Then there is unreasonable control pressure bordering on abuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Provide the reasonable amount and refuse to become pressured into the unreasonable. Make it as simple as possible for you, because the more simple the less anyone can argue about it. So if you go out, inform your GF before where you go with whom and how long you will be. That is easy to do: &quot;Hey love, I'm going bowling with the gang, back around 9.&quot; - then apply the Unix feedback principle - only inform if something out of the ordinary happens, e.g. you come back later than planned. If she bugs you, you can always point to the first information that you gave and that that exactly is what is going on. You don't give her a running commentary because there simply is nothing to comment on, everything has been said already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to deal with her jealousy is to make fun about it. This might turn into a fight but then again it'll do that anyway sooner or later. Next time she asks where you were and with whom and what you did and why you didn't provide her with a live video stream, tell her you were too busy having a threesome with two hot lesbians, or maybe there were three? Take her fear and exaggerate it into the ridiculous. It must be really ridiculous, so that no mentally normal person would assume it actually happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way is to tell her everything &lt;strong&gt;afterwards&lt;/strong&gt;. When you are just talking about the day, mention what happened at the bowling alley. Maybe she feels like you don't share enough. So do. But do it on your terms, not on hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships are not just about making each other happy, they are also about finding that spot for yourself where you feel that everything is exactly as it should be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T22:58:05.940" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-06T23:11:03.637" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people are habitual liars. I think this is terrible, but sometimes there is little we can do about it. If you want to keep inviting this person, you could stop relying on them for timing information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her to put one of those &quot;friend locator&quot; apps on her phone, if she has a smart-phone, so that you can check on her location yourself. I think Google maps allowed you to get an estimate travel time not only for driving, but also for biking or walking too. So you could check on her location, ask Google maps for directions from there to the pick-up spot, tell it you are walking, then calculate the arrival time from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking her to install such an app does not need to be awkward. Next time you pick her up, it can just be mentioned casually. After your normal greetings, you can simply add &quot;Hey, since we keep having problems with timing these pick ups, let's install  so we can coordinate better.&quot; If her response is dodgy, like &quot;Oh don't worry about it, I didn't wait long.&quot; then you can simply state &quot;But we often have to wait a long time, and we would rather not park here for half an hour. It will help me and you both, so let's install it and exchange app invites next time we schedule a meeting.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People often get defensive, so it would help you to keep the &quot;It will help both of us&quot; tone, instead of making her feel like you are blaming her. This should work as long as she is reasonable and not confrontational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I have found that many people do not care how you word it and will refuse and make a fuss if they perceive any hint of you blaming them. If that happens, you are not likely to succeed in your effort and you should just cut the conversation short to cut your losses, and you can bring it up again in the future after she has held you up a few times for a long period again. Your odds of success should rise if you only have this conversation immediately after you have been held up for a long time, and even better if this has happened a few times since last time you mentioned anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also go to where she is based on the information provided by the app, though that then opens things up for her to expect personalized pick-ups every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you can then see if she is actually moving toward the pick-up spot. If she is already late and you can tell she's stopped at Dunkin Donuts for the last 5 or 10 minutes, you could leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you leave, you hear from her later on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: &quot;I waited for a half hour at the spot we arranged and you never&#xA;  showed!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: &quot;We waited for you for a half hour at that spot starting &lt;em&gt;at the&#xA;  time we arranged&lt;/em&gt; before we left!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3245" LastEditorUserId="3245" LastEditDate="2019-01-04T17:36:59.387" LastActivityDate="2019-01-04T17:36:59.387" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-06T23:19:27.880" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have such a chronically late person in my life, and it is almost useless to try to change them. They are just bad with time, and don't even mean any bad, and even if they try hard, it doesn't work. It might also be a cultural issue - in some cultures/countries, being on time means &quot;to the minute&quot;. In other countries times are more like rough estimates, and it works because everyone there understands that &quot;6:15&quot; actually means &quot;such like after 6, but closer to 6 than to 7&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yes, they make it work for things &lt;strong&gt;with consequences&lt;/strong&gt;, like catching a plane. When the actual time actually matters. They also develop strategies for successfully dealing with this in job or university or other settings where punctuality is usually required. A gaming evening, on the other hand, is not such an event. It can start 10 minutes late, in anyway usually does due to everyone getting a drink and exchanging some gossip, so in their mental model it is one of those events with an imprecise time, more an estimate than an actual time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Planning around it is going to be your best approach. If you know that she is always late by 20 minutes, simply arrive 20 minutes late by yourself. If you want to start the game at 8:30, tell her you will start at 8:00.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enforcing boundaries now, after you let her get away for it for a long time already is going to be awkward and difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-02-06T23:19:27.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10176" CreationDate="2018-02-07T00:02:57.370" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with setting the boundaries, that's your initial defense mechanism to start with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I'm seeing a lot of hostility towards jealousy in the thread, but jealousy is a completely natural emotion. In her case it's very strong obviously, but what that means is that she needs to learn to manage her jealousy, and &lt;strong&gt;she might actually need some help&lt;/strong&gt;. Her behavior looks to me inadvertent and non-malicious, but more one of a lack of maturity on the topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you've set the boundaries, you can choose your role in her self-help process. One way is to remain on the sideline and leave her on her own to figure it out, and just continue doing what you're doing. That's the easier way for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other way, is to have compassion, and realize that she needs some help. If you are willing to spend the time and energy for it, then you can assist her by searching into the matter, finding books regarding how to &lt;strong&gt;manage your jealousy&lt;/strong&gt;, seeking professional help like therapy videos and sessions, and guiding her to get through these professional sources. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Judging from you saying that you really like her a lot, I think you might side with the second way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question was: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a good way to start a conversation to solve this with her? I&#xA;  really like her a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. Here are some steps I recommend to start with: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 1 - clearly identify the issue with her first to pass the denial phase&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step is for her to acknowledge the problem at hand - e.g. that she's very jealous. If she's in denial, then you need to first get her to acknowledge it by using examples of her past behavior, until she realizes something's &quot;off&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Honey, I'm noticing that you have very strong reactions when I'm with other girls, I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes, but I know that deep down inside you trust my judgement and I trust yours. I think it's normal to feel jealousy, but in your case I think you're feeling a little bit too much of it. Would you like to work together to find a solution and learn to manage your jealousy?&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 2 - She agrees to it, now it's time to help her equip herself with tools to manage her jealousy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not a psychologist, and you must understand that you might not be the best person to assist her. However, as her boyfriend, you can definitely help her seek some professional help, therapy, books she can read on that subject, videos. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are tons of &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMAhuUBxbI8&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;respectable videos&lt;/a&gt; by professionals where the subject is discussed, with exercises, perspective, solutions, ideas. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So without being a psychologist yourself, you can still assist her in helping her to equip herself with tools to manage her jealousy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 3 - meet on a regular basis to discuss if there was an improvement&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good practice is to have follow up meetings, and discuss progress. What happened the previous week, month? Does she feels better and more in control? Do you feel better? Are things getting better overall? Take some notes of what you guys discussed. And re-read them next time to see the progression, as being under the influence of emotions can distort things a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emotions are a fact of life and can't be ignored, but we can learn to manage them through therapy and life perspective. You're not a professional therapist, but you can take on the role of her guide to try and help her learn to manage her own jealousy, so it doesn't annoy you in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;And bonus:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will respect you for the rest of her life for having spent the time to help her understand and manage her jealousy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2809" LastEditorUserId="2809" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T00:09:43.233" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T00:09:43.233" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10226" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10140" CreationDate="2018-02-07T00:10:16.017" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Unless you dropped the f-bomb, then don't apologise.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I phrase the apology? I know that grammar and professionalism are very important. I want to be sure to take 100% of the blame and make no excuses. This is my fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is classic social anxiety. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's precisely the same reason why when you fall over and everyone looks at you... three hours later you're convinced people are still thinking about how ridiculous you looked, because you still are. The thing is, they thought about you for 5 seconds, then moved on. You may be the centre of your world 24/7, but you aren't the centre of everyone else's world 24/7.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I recently had an opportunity to contact a &lt;strong&gt;highly esteemed professional&lt;/strong&gt; in my field for helping me with a technical post. We met at a conference that we both spoke at. They provided some feedback, to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're as important as you say they are, then they have forgotten all about you. This is because they're important, and talk to 20 people a day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you are &quot;completely and utterly convinced&quot; that you have offended them, then get somebody whose judgement you trust to read the exchange. Ask them: &quot;On a scale of 1 to 10, how rude do you think I was? Would &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; apologise?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing to do is get an outside opinion. 90% of the time, it'll be all in your head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8011" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T00:10:16.017" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10176" CreationDate="2018-02-07T01:50:22.257" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some elements of your situation remind me of Dr. Joseph M. Carver’s &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Loser&lt;/a&gt; archetype, “a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship.” This remark by your girlfriend was a big red flag for me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But she says “So, would you like to see me laughing and talking a lot with other guys? And they wanting to touch me, to flirt with me and to calling me everytime ‘to talk’?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has turned something innocent into an attack on your honesty that makes &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; look like a bad guy and isolates you from your own family. That, plus her demands to &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; check in, echoes several traits of the classic Loser:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Killing Your Self-Confidence: “The Loser” repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard,” unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cutting Off Your Support: In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends – sometimes even their family....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s Always Your Fault: “The Loser” blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly – it’s somehow your fault....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No Outside Interests: “The Loser” will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Paranoid Control: “The Loser” will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way you describe your own responses to her behavior remind me of the frazzled state that losers eventually drive you to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They Make You “Crazy”: “The Loser” operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing “crazy” things in self-defense. If “The Loser” is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm – you call Time &amp;amp; Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While she doesn’t sound like one of the more dangerous versions of the Loser, Dr. Carver recommends detachment, separation, and self-protection when dealing with Losers, because they &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; make you crazy. I recommend reading Carver’s full advice, but first start with these key points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Detachment&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many cases, &amp;quot;The Loser&amp;quot; has isolated their partner from others.... During the detachment phase you should...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;– Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how “The Loser” works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;– Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be – a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;– If “The Loser” is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment – a small price to pay to get rid of “The Loser”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;– Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, your interpersonal efforts should emphasize &lt;em&gt;connecting with your friends and family&lt;/em&gt; while &lt;em&gt;detaching from the manipulative girlfriend&lt;/em&gt; until you can approach the situation with a clearer head and with the support that you will need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1849" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T01:50:22.257" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10228" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-07T02:35:14.963" Score="3" ViewCount="1441" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, I recently started working and so I'm new to the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I came in around the same time as the girl who sits opposite me (she has about 3 months on me). That being said, my first two weeks in, I had lunch (in a group of 4-5 people) and talked with her a few times after work on the way to the train station, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the initial weeks, I started bringing lunch to work and ate in mostly to save money and didn't join them for lunch (they didn't ask either). Now, when I say things at the coffee machine or just random conversation to her, she just nods and quickly leaves, or says nothing at all when we cross paths.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional info: during an office half day, I walked with them to grab lunch after work, during the whole walk they didn't really talk to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure why her behavior changed and I don't have much issue with that. But now I have a project where I have to work with her and even when we discuss about work she will keep it short and prefer to discuss over skype messages than in person (did I mention we sit opposite each other?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid that if I try to initiate conversation too much (even for work) it would make what she already thinks worse (I have no idea what tbh).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example of a skype conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: [details about the project], hope you're feeling better (she was sick)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: OK, I'll do (part 1).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Thanks a bunch I'll focus on (part 2)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: Good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way I can approach her without making things worse and finding out what happened?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Note&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no romantic interest in her, I just want to make my work life better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T21:06:54.003" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T21:06:54.003" Title="How to approach Co-Worker who seems to avoid talking to me?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;reconnecting&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10231" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10228" CreationDate="2018-02-07T05:01:56.703" Score="1" Body="&lt;h3&gt; First Approach &lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to work well with her (and the others) then you need to make sure that all communication barriers are removed. The best way to do that is by talking directly to her. Since she is somewhat cold in person, start with a message on skype, asking if you can talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [her name], since we are going to be working together on this new project, I was hoping we could talk about it for a few minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You immediately make it clear that your conversation is professional in nature and pertains to the project at hand. If she agrees to have a conversation with you then you can start that conversation off like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to make sure that we are on the same page while we work together. I've noticed over the last few weeks that we haven't had as many non-work conversations as we did when we started. Have I done something to offend you? If so, I'd like to know so that I can make things right and we can work together effectively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this approach you are able to let her know that you are aware that something has changed, and you want to get it resolved. It's very important to use phrasing that makes it clear that you aren't accusing her of anything, and that you just want to make sure you can work together without issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt; If she won't talk in person &lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's entirely possible that if she has some sort of issue with you then she won't want to talk. If this is the case then the next best option would be to talk to someone familiar with the situation, but not too close. If there's another team member that both of you are on good terms with, then that would be the best person to talk to, but if all else fails you could talk to someone outside the team that has enough knowledge of the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, in this conversation you want to make it clear that you have noticed some changes and just want to make sure that everything is ok and you can work together just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Over the last few weeks I've noticed that [her name] has been a bit abrupt with me in our casual conversations. We used to be fairly friendly (small talk at the water cooler, casual conversations walking to the train, etc...), but aren't any more. I've noticed that you talk to her a decent amount. Has she mentioned being upset with me or offended by something I've done? We're starting this new project together and I want to make sure that there isn't an issue between us that will make it harder to work together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, it's possible that she might dislike you with no reason, or be so offput by something that you did or said that she doesn't want to fix things. If either of those is the case, then there isn't much you can do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T05:01:56.703" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10228" CreationDate="2018-02-07T05:52:43.043" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a thing that happens when you've been working at the same place for a while. It's not necessarily a great thing or a terrible thing, but it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone new starts, you make a bit of an effort to help them plug in to the new environment, fill them in on the run of things, crack some jokes, help them adjust and so on. But after a while it's back to the same old rat race.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You go to work, do your job, and hope to sort of make it through the workday and get back to your real life afterwards. Everybody's workin for that weekend, ya'know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps that seems cynical, but a lot of people are like that.  Their work life and personal life remain somewhat separate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That may be what you're seeing here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that this person doesn't have a problem with you personally, they just go to work to work. When working they may find it easier to communicate via text and/or Skype. It may seem a bit impersonal, but for some people that's not necessarily a bad thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go to work, knock it out, and on to the next project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T05:52:43.043" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10233" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10228" CreationDate="2018-02-07T06:19:18.140" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I interpret this situation quite differently from the other answers, my opinion may be wrong so please judge the situation for yourself as you know far more details than I do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, my answer to: &lt;strong&gt;Is there any way i can approach her without making things worse and finding out what happened?&lt;/strong&gt; with making your work life better as the goal is *No, approaching her to find out what happened is likely to make things worse. To improve your work life I suggest limiting your conversations with her to be about strictly professional matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to me as though your co-worker is consciously trying to establish boundaries with you, to limit your relationship to one where you only interact when strictly and professionally necessary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can see this in the fact that she is avoiding talking with you around the water cooler and when everyone goes to lunch. Your case that &lt;strong&gt;even&lt;/strong&gt; when you talk about work she keeps it short indicates that a large amount of the time you are attempting to talk to her, it is not about work. If you do this often when someone is trying to limit the relationship, it could be a key reason why their minimising conversation might flow over into work related conversations as they would be worried you might transition the work conversation into a personal one, and so they restrict the boundary even more by responding in short sentences and only to essential work comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A perfect example of this is your skype conversation where you lead with details about the task, followed by a small/polite personal question. To this, she responded in as short a way as possible and &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; to the details about the task, purposefully ignoring your inquiry in her personal life. This shows that she does not intend to respond to your questions about her health and she is showing you this boundary as a signal to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could not say if you did anything, or there were some other reason she is behaving like this but either way I would not try to press her and find out why. Giving her space and respecting this boundary should hopefully give opportunity to build a better working relationship with her in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T06:19:18.140" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10234" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-07T07:05:24.723" Score="0" ViewCount="338" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background and Briefs:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been told multiple times that I don't make good jokes and usually &quot;bore&quot; them with poor comments and also I am the most frequent user of English words in the group which was reduced much as due to opposition  of many people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in a recent incident one of my friend asked us all to notify him weather anyone has problem attending to farewell(of end of our school{finally!} )  or not I felt a bit bad as nobody in the class really bothers about my words (Except 2-3 friends who still thinks I have poor jokes but still don't bother about it) so I wrote&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ME:I know nobody cares but still thought to mention &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Not coming to farewell&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and the reply was &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't annoy us just tell Yes or no &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay maybe I should have only said yes or no but maybe  I wanted to say that as trying to make them feel bad at least a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I just sent a screenshot of Translation of &quot;Not Coming&quot; to our common language in which we use to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then another one said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;annoyed again&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that a series of comments when I was offline that how annoying I am and should be removed out of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another one said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Guy1:We will remove him on his next &lt;br&gt;Guy2: Delete comments about him else he would read and annoy again &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I left the group Stating :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;Let it be , You guys don't Deserve my Company &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also there are only few of the people on the group who say these which are actually active participants in our WhatsApp Group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Main Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I change the way I talk as It has made me think about my social skills or become silent in b/w the conversations{so far not working} or any other suggestion to get through these chats and without getting annoyed just get the information I need about in the activities in the classroom in future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1889" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T07:25:40.530" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T08:54:33.000" Title="Should I change my attitude or way of talking based on the group conversation I have?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;chatting&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-02-07T16:17:51.663" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10236" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10149" CreationDate="2018-02-07T08:46:30.320" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with screening all call with a voice-mail message thanking the caller for their concern but also asking for respecting your family's privacy (dont mention your sister at all) As far you should be concerned they could be simply calling to confirm a rummer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To help the information seeker or the condolence caller understand why you are asking  for space, you may what to include something about how personal privacy is disappearing at an alarming rate and to &quot;please respect the little privacy we have thank you for your concern.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;keep in mind there is a school of thought that the only way to de-stigmatize addiction is speak openly about it. I have mixed feeling about this. Addiction is not just a physical dependents but a failure to see a way out of it and to the productive life all addicts wish they had. Parents tend to feel like more disclosure is best but it's not there decision and unfortunately it takes even leaves the one suffering the addiction with the feeling of loosing control how they are seen by others.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;some advice that goes beyond the question but be considered&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she is located my advice is to convince her that the best path forward starts in another town or state where your family is not known or that she don't know. Small towns suck when it comes to privacy. moving away from old routines, and the scenery that invokes memories can be very helpful. If I could have gone on a extended holiday while during my first attempt at recovery there never would have been a second attempt. When the brain seen and dose the same day in day out life gets bewaring (at least for me) when one is in an unfamiliar place the brain begins to make new neural connection (memories) that can help break the old ones that were wired for complacency and dependent. This should only be after the physical dependency has been broke. It a way to prevent relapse and discover the the best part of sobriety, the freedom to see the wonders of the world with out the chain of addiction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please don't take this a professional advice. rather experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12510" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T08:46:30.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10234" CreationDate="2018-02-07T08:54:33.000" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As far as I understand your problem you're often trying to communicate in a way that bores people around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've been told that countless times it seems.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You kept doing something that you've been told was ennoying them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When the finally lost their last bit of patience towards it you left stating you were better than them :&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let it be , You guys don't Deserve my Company &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something strikes me there even though I wasn't there so I can't judge how annoying it may have (or have not) been for them, when they expressed (even if it was rude from them) their want to exclude you from the chat group you answered with an arrogant and immature statement.&#xA;I'm telling you this to help you, let me explain :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if they weren't realy annoyed by your previous behaviour and did this because they choose to sort of bully you (it may happen), by keeping to behave the same way you just gave them the way (and reasons) to keep doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you could have done to prevent it :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The first time you were told it was annoying ask why, and focus on not doing it again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it happened again even though you thought what you said was realy fun, note that it's not their case and prevent from doing it again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If participating to the conversations, and making jokes feels important to you try to listen how they joke with each other, and adapt yourself to them (even if I don't recommend that)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you can't or don't want to adapt yourself, just leave it be, ignore them and do things your way. It's school, life goes on after it, don't feel too tied to them. (highly recommend this one)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give you a clear answer to your question :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I change the way I talk as It has made me think about my social skills or become silent&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's up to you, take time to think about what you want.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I'm sorry I can't give you a better answer because it's realy how it is.&#xA;If you realy want to try to fit in the group then give it a try, stay silent for a time, learn the codes, and try. But chances are that you wo't success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not then feel free and relieved to go your way, focus on what you love and you'll find people who will love the same things and with whom you'll be at your ease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10828" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T08:54:33.000" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10239" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10243" CreationDate="2018-02-07T08:59:23.250" Score="109" ViewCount="25341" Body="&lt;p&gt;I manage a couple of small websites for friends and family as their admin, ranging from installing wordpress to full-stack web development. In this position I often have to contact the support of hosting companies or domain providers because some debugging requires information from their side or I don't have the permission to change certain things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially when debugging generic problems I just ask them for general information on the system status or log files. In these cases the tech support does the sensible thing and asserts that I have no idea about the web in general and tries to handle me sensibly and explains (to me) basic concepts in detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried different tactics of showing the tech support that I am proficient in their field of work (I work as a web developer). Specifically: using accurate terms and technologies to show my knowledge of them and telling the support that I am the &quot;administrator&quot; of the website in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both approaches have not really been successful. If possible I'd like to avoid writing my academic and professional titles in my email signature as this might be seen as &quot;showing off&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am especially interested in the views of people who have worked/are working in tech support and know the other side of the fence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I show tech support that I am qualified enough to be given the required information directly without coming off as arrogant?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11192" LastEditorUserId="11192" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T12:17:03.777" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T08:23:46.723" Title="How to let tech support subtly know that I am proficient without showing off?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;switzerland&gt;&lt;written-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T09:23:41.520" Score="53" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been a freelance web developer for a number of years and dealt with this situation countless times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best course of action I've found is to call them rather than e-mail them, &lt;strong&gt;explain the problem like you would to another developer as simply as you can&lt;/strong&gt; and ask if it's possible to get the information from the &lt;strong&gt;sysadmin team&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach seems to work (for me) because you display knowledge of the field naturally and you also show them you know how system administration in general works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly &lt;strong&gt;don't throw in buzzwords for the sake of it&lt;/strong&gt;, this will make you come off the wrong way and like you have no idea what you're doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Calling over e-mailing has a number of advantages, you're able to empathize with the person and they're able to hear how comfortable you are with the topic over the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;90% of the time they'll elevate you to someone who knows what to do, or they'll get in touch with the correct department.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you e-mail them, you're likely to get a stock answer because the people (or AI) responding to this level of support will just copy-paste a general response first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T09:23:41.520" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10241" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9985" CreationDate="2018-02-07T09:31:51.290" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would stress &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to use words like 'red flag' or 'scary,'&lt;/strong&gt; but to speak casually and factually.  Simply state it, maybe even off-hand; &quot;oh by the way,&quot;  This way (1) it does not alarm someone unnecessarily, and (2) by calling it a red flag, you're perpetuating that &lt;em&gt;by having it, it makes you less of a person&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the timing, that is dependent on the circumstance, but probably earlier is the better.  Obviously not when you're flirting (&quot;whoa that was out of the blue..&quot;), but before intercourse - they have a right to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person isn't interested, then they're not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2953" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T09:31:51.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-07T09:37:48.207" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to work customer facing and we always had at least one client with this problem no matter where I was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the excuses in the world but always precisely 20mins late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick to getting them somewhere on time was to allow for this and just tell them a time 20mins ahead of the time they needed to be there, and turn off all the automated appointment reminders that might tell them the actual time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works just as well with one of my relatives. Always give a time about an hour ahead and things might just about get going on time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1669" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T09:37:48.207" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10243" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T09:55:26.670" Score="133" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately the tech support people you are speaking to are probably as frustrated as you are at having to go through the basic stuff with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Large companies especially deal with the massive volume of tech support calls they receive by employing some staff on lower pay as a &quot;buffer,&quot; dealing with simple or &quot;known&quot; issues so that they don't need to employ as many higher paid &quot;second line&quot; support staff. Very often the first people you get through to on tech support lines are reading from a script. They &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to ask you the dumb questions, either because their employer demands they do, or sometimes because their computer system doesn't let them get to the next part of the script unless they play ball. Which is not to say that people employed on first line support are not knowledgeable; in my experience lots of over-qualified people have to take less advanced jobs in IT just to get into the industry. But they have to do what their job description tells them to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does vary between companies. One will employ idiots who speak to you like idiots. Another will employ smart people who apologise to you profusely for having to go through all the pointless steps, but that's just what they have to do! Maybe you should shop around and find one that deals with you the way you want them to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I appreciate that price and functionality often dictates who we deal with. So my best advice if you need to stick with them is just to expect the treatment you have become used to and 'play along'. Actually, I find some things often run smoother when you act dumber than you are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lets face it, if you already &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that your ISP is going to ask you questions from a script when you call them, why bother explaining that there is a problem with the DHCP on your router because your computer is assigning itself an APIPA address when you can just say &quot;I can't get on Google&quot; and they'll do exactly the same thing? Plus, if you use tech speak on someone at first line who doesn't understand it there is a possibility they will think they are &lt;em&gt;supposed&lt;/em&gt; to know how to fix this, and then waste time trying to. Whereas if you just use dumb terms like &quot;lights are blinking&quot; then they'll quickly exhaust their script and pass you to the second line where you can happily talk tech-to-tech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T07:42:51.863" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T07:42:51.863" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T10:10:13.207" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best advice I can give you is: Seek a smaller provider which often are less formal and more approachable. When you found one where you have a good support, request your friends and family to move to this. You are doing something for them, then it can only happen on your terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T11:18:15.643" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T11:18:15.643" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T11:36:08.473" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The simple answer is that you cannot - there are no words that let you sidestep the checklist process that most first line support teams use. Well, aside from knowing the answers to give that get you through the shortest chain to a point where they need to escalate to second line...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, look at whether they offer a support option where you have a dedicated second line contact. This will be more expensive, but potentially worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T11:36:08.473" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10248" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10258" CreationDate="2018-02-07T11:37:22.700" Score="-2" ViewCount="844" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is someone I know who is really into kink/bdsm/fetish. He is one of the several organizers at social dances I attend. Note, these dances have nothing to do with kink/bdsm/fetish or anything sex related. This person often acts in lewd ways that makes me feel uncomfortable. For example loudly talking openly about kink and alternative sex. Last time he loudly spanked a lady's bum in front of everyone when she was bending over and then said &quot;it's alright, it was totally consensual&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in my late 20s and this guy appears to be in mid 30s. Technically this dance is for all ages but most people there are in the 20-40 range. It's in a very liberal metropolitan city. I try not to talk to this guy but he's loud enough that I inevitably overhear him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, this kind of behavior just leads to an uncomfortable social atmosphere. I don't think it's fair that he is so open about it in public, but it would be rude if others talked about their sex life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get him to to cut back on doing this behavior so openly, without sounding prejudice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12463" LastEditorUserId="12463" LastEditDate="2018-03-04T01:31:32.770" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T01:31:32.770" Title="How to ask someone to stop behaving in a certain way in public that makes me uncomfortable" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-02-07T14:03:22.037" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T11:51:12.727" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often it will not help you. Many support hotlines have a script, they need to use. So if you have a problem with your internet connection and your router tells you the exact reason, they will nevertheless ask you to reboot your router. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can either play along and just do it or you tell them you've done it already. Then they can make their checkmark &quot;customer restarted the router, problem persists&quot; and ask the next question. Maybe they measure the line (and will notice that the line is perfectly fine, just as your internet router tells you in its interface). Next checkmark. Objecting will not help, if they are required to do this check by their protocol. So let them do. The less you object the faster they will finish all tests and come to the actual problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes of course it is frustrating. And possibly for the support person as well. First level support is a frustrating job.&#xA;But on the other hand you need to understand them. There are really a lot of people calling their internet is not working when they unplugged the router to plug in the vacuum cleaner. And asking them if they think they know what they are doing will not help, because many people will overestimate their knowledge, making the support even more complicated as the tech guy may at first believe them and only find out later that they told wrong things because they do not actually know what they are pretending to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may have luck and get the next time the same support person or someone who has a protocol of the last call and already know the usual problems you're having and how to solve them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5187" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T11:51:12.727" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10149" CreationDate="2018-02-07T12:11:08.957" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personal life is private, people know that and they will feel it from you if you are upset from being asked about her, but they're just worried, they don't mean to upset you for sure, i know it's a bit disturbing, so you can just do it in two ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1- If somebody asked you how is she you can reply with another question &quot;Can we please talk about something else?&quot; so they will feel that you had enough questions and you need a break from that topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2- Another way (which i do not prefer but sometimes it's a must) is to say that you don't want any questions in that topic ever, like &quot;I'm not comfortable anymore talking in that topic.&quot; so i prefer the first one but second may be less polite but we sometimes use it to let people understand that we really mean that we don't want to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope all the best for you and your sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that it's not what you say but how you say it. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you can let them know how you appreciate their attention to your sister's health and let them know that it means a lot to you but you just don't want to talk about that anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12524" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T12:11:08.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10248" CreationDate="2018-02-07T12:17:35.623" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only real advice one can give here is to talk to this person very openly and talk about how his behaviour makes you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly one can not change a person, and if he values your comfort enough he will stop. If he does not, he most certainly wont stop because noone else seems to have a problem with it (as you stated in your earlier question i read).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal advice:&lt;/strong&gt; If you are the only person in the group that is offended by such behaviour, i would rather reccoment to reflect why it makes you unconfortable and work on that, instead of simply trying to prohibit behaviour that is (seems, as again stated in your other question) socially acceptable by the vast majority of your group und just disliked by you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example the spanking: I remember you writing that after he spanked her she giggled and found it funny, and noone else had anything against it. So why make something more out of it than it actually is? It's a joke, everyone else saw it as joke, so i see no problem. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="7301" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T12:19:06.330" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T12:19:06.330" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T12:39:33.370" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;I currently work for a small IT company that provides support for businesses around the city. I am the tech support/help desk for the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Process&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our company probably works different than the large corporations - when you email the helpdesk@ email address for our company, the email goes directly to our ticketing software, which then sends us an email telling us that you entered a ticket. As our IT department consists of 5 people (including me), when a ticket comes in, whoever has dealt with this problem before, or whoever knows how to fix it will be the one to contact you. **It is worth noting here that I am entry-level (tier 1 support) but the other 4 guys would be considered tier 3 level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a ticket is emailed in wanting a password reset, I take it. Or - and I want to emphasize this - &lt;strong&gt;when a ticket comes in with insufficient information, I take it.&lt;/strong&gt; For example, if you email in a ticket &quot;My outlook isn't working&quot;, that ticket gets assigned to me. I get back to you and go through the process of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Does it open? Do you have internet? Do you know the right password?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if your answers tell me it's something too advanced for me, &lt;strong&gt;only then&lt;/strong&gt; would I escalate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Put as much information about the problem itself into the email, within reason.&lt;/em&gt; No need to write a paragraph, that takes time away from you and from us. Bullet points are perfect (preferred).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our phone process is different to emails. If you call the help desk, &lt;strong&gt;you get me.&lt;/strong&gt; Just me. That's it. And I know &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt;. Because we are a small company, I don't have the corporate script per se, but I do have the same questions I ask everyone: when did it start, are you the only one having the problem, any specific error messages, etc. Regulars who call now answer each question in order before I have to ask (wonderful people). Most times, when people call with a problem I am the only one in the office - the technicians are busy. Insanely busy. So when you discribe a problem to me to which I have no idea how to fix, I take notes. Lots of notes. And then I tell you I'll enter a ticket and someone will get back to you. That's about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Recap&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you email helpdesk (us specifically), if you use appropriate technical detail you will probably get someone who knows what they're doing, and will greatly appreciate it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you call, you will get me only. I will ask you lots of questions, with awkward pauses in between while I write my notes, and at the end of it I probably won't be able to help you. Technical detail is still welcome, but there are some questions I will ask you anyway even if they sound useless to you (someone else might have had the same problem at the same time - red flag). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Advice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go back through the emails you have exchanged with the helpdesk previously. Look for certain questions that have been asked every time, and put those answers into the initial email you send about the new problem. Try to add things that make the potential problem sound local. The more information you give them that you know they will be asking for in their script, the faster you will get someone who can help you. And they will thank you for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12483" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T18:17:01.220" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T18:17:01.220" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10253" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T12:40:16.133" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to work in web hosting support, so I can provide a perspective from the other side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the greatest challenges in the job is properly gauging the technical level of the customer. Depending on the host, you get tickets from any one from total amateurs to professionals who are more qualified than you are. Obviously you need to tailor your response to make it understandable to them, and sometimes you'll get it wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From experience I can say that professionals will be more forgiving if you go through things at a basic level than amateurs who have no idea what you're talking about, so people will probably err on the side of caution and not assume the customer has a high level of expertise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what can you do to demonstrate your technical knowledge? Well, you are doing the right thing by using the correct technical terms. That will give an indication to the person handling the ticket. Explicitly explaining your role as the administrator or developer should also help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain what you have done before raising the ticket. If you're just after the logs you can say &quot;I have checked the control panel and FTP root directory and I haven't found any way to access the error logs&quot;. That will give further indication that you know how things work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Refer to previous tickets where you have asked the same thing, with a ticket ID if possible. Assuming you're dealing with the same host, this should get your ticket resolved in a single update (assuming the support are anywhere near competent). They should just read through the previous ticket and know exactly what you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might not be possible, but it would help if you invested in reseller hosting  which is designed for developers who host many websites and move the sites you manage under it. The host should easily be able to tell from your account that you're a professional. Also such hosting services probably make the logs available without having to ask support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things not to do include asking for escalation to second line support in your first update. That's just not going to happen. First line support workers are likely rated on how many tickets they escalate and won't do so unless they're certain they need to. Don't get angry and start giving poor ratings as that can make people less co-operative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2249" LastEditorUserId="2249" LastEditDate="2018-10-01T08:23:46.723" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T08:23:46.723" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T12:52:52.510" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hope you can take a deep breath.....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tech support works with scripts.&#xA;Just get to know these scripts by heart and answer all questions from the script you can in one long sentence, before they ask it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like in &quot;Hi I have a problem with this and that...I have restarted the router, I have checked the cables, the red light is on, the green light is off, not other lights are blinking......etc.etc.etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way the person at the other end of the line can just go click-click-click and you'll be 10 steps further in their script in 5 seconds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2697" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T12:52:52.510" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10248" CreationDate="2018-02-07T13:30:33.743" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, whether/what to do unfortunately strictly depends on the context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;is there any (maybe unwritten) guideline of the place/club/premise/etc. about the general behaviour that must be followed? I'd say the general behaviour that is suitable for a disco is not suitable for a kindergarten, or a church, or a hospital; if there's some sort of guideline of this type, then you may want to involve the site director/owner/manager to enforce the guideline, if you wish to avoid talking directly to this person.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if there's nothing as per 1., you may want to assess whether you are the only one affected by that behaviour. If you're alone or you're in a minority, well, don't expect things to change for you, and in that case it would be easier to change place; otherwise, if the majority of you dislike that behaviour, you may ALL want to have a word with him/her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T13:30:33.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T13:51:23.580" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;One solution that fixed this issue with my ISP was that when I went through the first and second line and got in touch with the people that fixed my problem, I asked them if they could give me one of their personal numbers in case the same problem happened again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem did occur a couple more times, and I just directly called the same guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12534" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T14:20:49.110" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T14:20:49.110" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10248" CreationDate="2018-02-07T14:00:15.140" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's put this behaviour into context. We are currently in the shadow of a massive shakedown of the TV and film industry where sexual harassment has gone unchallenged for decades. What is and is not 'sexual harassment' is of course determined by the recipient, but uninvited spanking of bums is most definitely in that category. Talking publicly about sexual matters can also fall into this category when someone objects to it but is forced to listen (eg in a workplace).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was me, I wouldn't want to be part of anything organised by the guy you describe. It would only take one serious complaint and any 'events' organised by him are going to come under scrutiny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To directly answer your question of how to ask someone to stop behaving in a way that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; find sexually inappropriate - you tell them to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, but I object to this kind of talk/behaviour. I must ask&#xA;  that it stops.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is if you place your personal moral integrity higher than your being welcome at these dance parties. I believe you when you say the parties you attend are not sexual in any way, but everything this guy talks about seems to be that way... I'd be surprised if there wasn't some undercurrent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the current media scandals we are seeing loads of people making apologies for turning a blind eye, or for burying their head in the sand, or even genuinely not noticing what was really going on. I wouldn't want to be one of those people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this all sounds very judgemental - that really isn't my intention. The dividing line between appropriate and inappropriate in these kinds of matters IS your personal position. Invited or uninvited. Consensual or non-consensual. Comfortable or uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T15:36:37.213" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T15:36:37.213" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10259" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10151" CreationDate="2018-02-07T14:10:14.403" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact that she cited legal code means that she has looked it up. It sounds like she's feeling defensive. She may also genuinely have a phobia (unfounded, perhaps, but fears don't care about that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's the case, it's probably counter-productive to continue approaching her directly. Get the strata manager involved: ask them to convey your apology for potentially scaring her, and to ask that something (specific) be done with the door. Strata managers deal with interpersonal issues as part of their job, and they have a legitimate reason to make contact. However, you would be well-advised to make clear to the strata manager that you're not trying to express your annoyance; they have been known to be overzealous in their pursuit of 'the right thing' on occasion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The strata manager can start the process to have the door fixed. But more importantly, they can also put in a good word for you, possibly giving you a chance to make a second first impression, as it were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T14:10:14.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10206" CreationDate="2018-02-07T14:42:49.107" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You probably know your friend way better than any of us do, so this is really hard to answer for you.&#xA;However, I liked the answers suggesting that you should be open to your friend about everything. It is not a shame to have debts, especially not in today's economy, and many of us have huge student debts. So, if your friend is truly your friend then your financial situation should be important to her. &#xA;If her luck will be the cause of your suffering in the future, should this not concern her? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as your problem goes, probably a good approach would be for you to open up, is to bring up some memories and express the closeness of the two of you. Once you get her attention then slowly introduce your problem the same way you expressed it in this post, i.e. you cannot afford the trip or cost for the dress, also mention your student loan, etc. Tell her that this would strain you in every possible way, and had situation been different for you than you would never hesitate to say yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait for her reaction, and even if she reacts in a negative way tell her that you care about your friendship, but that you cannot be part of her current plans, as they are not working out for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, what do you know, if you open up to her and her family maybe your friend, and her family, would be able to come up with some sort of solution that could help reduce the costs for you and your family and maybe that would be acceptable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12541" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T14:42:49.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-07T15:02:09.220" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many of the other answers address how to account for it, or how to fix it, but you've specifically asked not to fix it, but:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do I say to Susan to make it clear that we're not mad about the fact that she's late, but that it would be a lot easier if she'd just come clean about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More specifically:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to [get someone to give] more accurate ETAs?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've given enough background information in the question and comments to suggest strongly the possibility that she does not have the skills to accurately estimate her arrival time. I don't think it's an issue of active or malicious lie or intent to deceive, I suspect she honestly believes one or both of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;her estimates of traveling time are reasonable&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;her awareness of passage of time is good&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These complicate matters.  If she receives a text asking for a timeframe to meet, she'll fail to make a correct estimate at (1), providing an estimate that is too low, and once she's made the estimate she'll continue her task, failing at (2) by believing it'll only take &quot;a minute&quot; before she leaves, and then perhaps 5-10 minutes later she's out the door to travel perhaps double the time she estimated to meet, and ends up a total of 20-30 minutes late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real issue is that time estimation is hard, and she's not able to give correct estimates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you insist that she give you accurate estimates, you are insisting on her changing her skills at time estimation.  Changing yourself is hard enough, but changing someone else exponentially harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if 1) you don't want to change her (or recognize that you can't) and 2) you need accurate estimates, then you need to get more information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A time estimate is a single variable, and you can't extrapolate very much information from it.  If you ask for more information, though, then over time you can develop a model for turning her information into an estimate.  Perhaps these questions are all you need:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where are you at right now?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What are you doing?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When will you be done?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How long will it take you to pack up and leave?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you have any stops along the way (errands, etc)?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How long will it take you to go from where you are to the meeting point?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should give her the ability to make better estimates, particularly if you go over the actual results with her each time, and then the next time you ask remind them that their estimate was off for a particular part of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This takes a long time, you are essentially giving her a new skill or toolset for time estimation, but that's what's necessary if you want &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; to give you accurate ETAs rather than adapting to them yourself or adopting a technological crutch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastEditorUserId="468" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T16:49:05.107" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T16:49:05.107" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10263" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-07T15:16:05.357" Score="4" ViewCount="474" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;: I am part of a club in my university which deals primarily in public speaking, debating, etc. It's been close to 6 months since I joined and to be fair, I haven't done quite well in debating tournaments. Since, it is Asian Parliamentary Debate, much of the results depend on your teammates. However, my scores during these tournaments has only been average or in its neighborhood i.e. either slightly below average or slightly above average. However, the seniors in my club tell us, &quot;You've got great potential. You are a good debator. You speak well&quot; and variants thereof. However, my performance in the past 6 months show nothing that suggests any of the above.(At least, I feel so.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, I don't feel any marked improvement in my speaking skills. So, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Are these words only false praises just to not make us feel dejected?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; If so, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;How do I tell false praises from genuine ones?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(P.S. - If this question is too broad, do tell in the comments how do I make it less broad)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10072" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T18:01:33.130" Title="How do I recognize false praises?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-02-07T20:55:29.947" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10264" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10269" CreationDate="2018-02-07T15:18:55.703" Score="9" ViewCount="977" Body="&lt;p&gt;A very dear friend of mine has low self esteem, particularly relating to social desirability and men, and becomes very sad when I've expressed my deep appreciation for her. Compliments just make her feel that it couldn't possibly be true and she's even cried when I've told her that I love her and appreciate all her support during difficult times. I now believe that this is causing some distance between us that I'd like to remedy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We dated last year, so I realize that complicates things as there are likely unresolved feelings. My goal isn't to resume this aspect of our relationship though, as I suspect it's still not viable. I merely want to build our friendship because I value her immensely as a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recognize I'm not her therapist and I'm not looking to fix her low self esteem. I'm also not being an armchair psychiatrist; she's told me how she feels and why. If culture is relevant we're both American from progressive/urban regions but her parents are Indian Punjabi immigrants and Sikh culture certainly influenced her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I express positive sentiments towards her without triggering her low self esteem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12540" LastEditorUserId="12540" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T19:24:54.217" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T08:09:34.233" Title="How do I express affection and appreciation for a dear friend with low self esteem?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;self-esteem&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10264" CreationDate="2018-02-07T15:34:55.393" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people with low self-esteem just don't accept praise and compliments from friends and logically square that circle by telling themselves &quot;they're my friends; they have to say that.&quot;  It's a hard loop to break out of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that the best option here is to be sincere with this friend.  Say what's on your mind, but above all be truthful.  There's another post on this site that I find related: h&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10263/how-do-i-recognize-false-praises&quot;&gt;ow to recognize false praise&lt;/a&gt;?  I'd suggest looking at that and avoiding the things that make your sincere compliments seem false.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to your specific questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is tough.  But when she is kind, recognize it if appropriate.  Respond with kindness as well.  Don't overcompensate; she'll see through that or, in a worst case scenario, will see that overcompensation as normal and be disappointed when others don't do that as well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do things that friends do.  It sounds like there is a terminated romantic relationship here, so the challenge is to be friends without rekindling that romance.  So I'd suggest doing things in groups and being &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; careful to not send the wrong message.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Unless she does something extraordinary or excellent, this can be a real mine field.  Share in her joys and successes but don't gush.  Help her realize what her ability and hard work enabled her to do.  Again, don't overcompensate.  You're her friend and not her therapist.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T15:34:55.393" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10153" CreationDate="2018-02-07T15:44:38.930" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You cannot fix this.&#xA;Your partner should.&#xA;The next time he does this she should react with a loud voice: &quot;Stop touching me.&quot; Followed by pushing him away if he doesn't immediately back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should be done with as many witnesses present as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You gave him enough chances to stop his behavior. This action will send a message to him that he crossed the line. And also to your friends that this guy crossed the line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2697" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T15:44:38.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-02-07T15:50:05.220" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been on both sides of this setup, I've taken on projects based on a cool idea someone else was considering and I've had my ideas &quot;stolen&quot; in turn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, I felt less like I was inferior for being un-proactive and more just a sense of my thunder being stolen. It's far less fun to work on something new if someone just demonstrated it than it is to explore new ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That can produce some resentment or bad feeling, and if you're not the kind of person who has a dozen cool ideas a week, it can be a while before something new takes up your interest and replaces it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice to OP is let it be, their co-worker will work through it in his own time, But the next time he has a cool idea it'd be a good idea to not make use of it yourself until they've already moved on. &#xA;The very worst thing would be to be basking in the success of finishing a new project and then get upstaged by your co-worker who's already upstaged you in the past!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's how frustration can turn to hatred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the very very least, ask if they mind you making use of their idea, they'll probably appreciate the consideration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to emphasise again though, let them deal with it. Pick at the scab or scratch the itch and it'll be likely to become a sore point in the longer term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T15:50:05.220" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10182" CreationDate="2018-02-07T15:58:47.127" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The constriction is here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she wanted no part in knowing about my love life...her assumptions that I have no one in my life at all&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And these assumptions, that she is actively making and that you are disallowed from fixing, are the root of the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I, most politely, get it across to my mother that I don't want her talking to me about things she actively chooses to not know about my life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears your preferred solution is to set the boundary at the same place she has set the boundary.  Right now it's a one-way boundary that she has set, which she enforces when it's uncomfortable for her, but you've failed to maintain her boundary when it's uncomfortable for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case I'd suggest maintaining the boundary in the same way she maintains it.  When you bring it up how does she respond?  Respond to her in the same way, not to throw it back in her face, but out of a desire to maintain the same tone, phrases, and style so she has immediate understanding of what you're asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't discuss my love life.  Just know that I am safe [or other root concern].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest taking it a bit further, though, with a reminder and an open door:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You asked me months ago not to discuss my love life with you, so I'm trying to avoid making you uncomfortable, however I'd love to be able to discuss that part of my life with you too.  Is it ok if I respond to your statement about finding my soul mate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It takes time for people to change and adjust, and while setting boundaries is important and useful for creating and maintaining strong relationships, we must recognize them as flexible, mutable things and allow for change, adjustment, and removal over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's ok to knock on that door, or answer it if they knock, as long as you give them an easy out by recognizing the boundary and asking for consent to disregard it, if only for a short discussion.  Of course, some people will never change, and you may always have that boundary, but if they're willing to cross it then you should give them an opportunity to make that choice again, each time they do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T15:58:47.127" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10269" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10264" CreationDate="2018-02-07T16:07:51.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I can be a good friend who doesn't take her kindness for granted without triggering her low self esteem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The short answer here is that you really can't. I know that's rough, but people feel how they feel, and you can't really control their reactions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is be genuine. People with self-esteem or confidence issues tend to assume the worst, so if you try to mitigate their reactions and feelings it'll likely be read as a manipulation. Their natural inclination is that &quot;you're just saying that to make them feel better&quot; coding your words makes it easier for them to conclude that you're not really saying what you mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I express affection/fondness for her without upsetting her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, just be genuine, and don't try to control her response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that since you two had a previous romantic relationship that didn't work out, she'll likely be particularly sensitive to affection coming from you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be affectionate, just be aware of the lines between friendship and romantic entanglement. Be careful about what signals you're sending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I compliment her intelligence/character/ability without making her feel worthless?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, be genuine, but here consistency can help. Offer compliments whether she's feeling up or down, whether she responds well or not. You're expressing an opinion, which doesn't hinge on how she feels about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you want to help your friend, and I'm glad that you already acknowledge that you can't be her therapist. I've had a good many friends that go through, or went through, phases of low-selfesteem. Some people get down for a little while and bounce back when their circumstances change, but some sorta get stuck there and need help to pull out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend has been stuck for... more than a while, she may need professional help. There's no shame in that, loads of people need a hand and seek it out, hell I'm going to see my shrink later today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be gentle if you decide to mention seeking professional help. Probably better to bring it up if/when they're already talking about their problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Lots of people have those issues and lots of people find some relief talking to a therapist/counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist. There's no shame in asking for help. I mean, you're asking me for help right now. It's just asking someone who's got more experience and training.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T16:07:51.553" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10264" CreationDate="2018-02-07T16:08:54.503" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is big.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in the exact same condition of low self-esteeem as your dear friend, so I apologize if I might sound biased, I apologize if this all might sound harsh and I apologize even more if you think this answer will be utterly unhelpful, nevertheless I feel compelled to answer as sincerely as the top of my heart can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll now analyze your post (both premises and questions) by breaking it down in points and answering point by point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Compliments just make her feel that it couldn't possibly be true&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because, actually, they might be &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; true.&#xA;&amp;quot;You have two beautiful eyes&amp;quot; is subjective, what is beautiful to you may not be to your friend.&#xA;&amp;quot;You're soooo good at computers&amp;quot; is also subjective: you might have a lower understanding of computer science than your friend's one so you possibly can't assess whether your friend is actually good at it or maybe just an amateur.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please, try to accept that &lt;em&gt;you might actually be wrong&lt;/em&gt;, and therefore &lt;em&gt;your compliment can be wrong&lt;/em&gt; likewise.&#xA;You're in your own shoes, not your friend's ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore what you see as true your friend could perceive as false.&#xA;By the way you generically used the word &amp;quot;compliments&amp;quot; I assume you already tried this step a number of times and it didn't work, so you may want to try to give this one up. You two are likely on very different perspectives/points of views/opinions that cannot be reconciled.&#xA;And by keeping on grasping on your own views which your friends disagrees from will only put additional strain on the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We dated last year&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whoa!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is devastatingly bigger than anything else in this post.&#xA;The end of your dating period is extremely likely to just represent one more reason for which the self esteem is low and the perceived desirability from men is low.&#xA;You are one who went on an unsuccesful dating period with her and at the same time you want to be the one giving her confidence about desirability from men?&#xA;Please, imagine this logical mental process of hers: &amp;quot;Hey, how can YOU tell me I am desirable by men if YOU, a man yourself, desire me no longer?&amp;quot;&#xA;Let &lt;em&gt;men other than you&lt;/em&gt; talk to her about this subject, because &lt;em&gt;you represent that part of men that considers her undesirable&lt;/em&gt;, you'd be lacking coherence severely here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I merely want to build our friendship because I value her immensely as a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per my own experience and that of some friends of mine, a friendship after a dating period is not always possible.&#xA;She might not want what you want, regardless how much you value her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, try to &lt;em&gt;not take for granted that you can actually be a good friend&lt;/em&gt;.&#xA;Which leads us, eventually, to your questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I can be a good friend who doesn't take her kindness for granted without triggering her low self esteem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I express affection/fondness for her without upsetting her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I compliment her intelligence/character/ability without making her feel worthless?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please notice that &lt;em&gt;she may not want it&lt;/em&gt;, and she may communicate it not explicitly. It could also be inconscious to her that she doesn't want to you to be her friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, before asking yourself &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;How&lt;/em&gt; can I...&amp;quot;, try asking yourself &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;Can&lt;/em&gt; I...&amp;quot;, because &lt;strong&gt;you may not be the one who can help her&lt;/strong&gt;, as bitter as it can sound.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion (talking as the one who relates to her feelings): &lt;strong&gt;give her space and time&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;Regardless whether you are acting on good heart and true good feelings toward her, help from you is not working as she keeps on rejecting it, so all you can do is taking a break and giving her the same break.&#xA;Take a distance and keep it for a while.&#xA;She will be in the position of not being able to rely on your &amp;quot;help&amp;quot;, which will lead to two possible outcomes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she will be fine with that distance and won't come back: it will be the sign that, regardless of your good heart, you where more of a weight (on her already strained self esteem) than a helping hand. If you do love her and value her, as bad as you can feel about it, let her be. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/dalai_lama_158917&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dalai Lama says&lt;/a&gt; &amp;quot;[...] if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she will come back: that will be the sign that, regardless of her on-the-spot reactions, she enjoys how you compliment her, hence you can come back to assist her as naturally as you feel, because she did decide to deliberately come back to that assistance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A final consideration: personally, I prefer facts than words.&#xA;Facts are stubborn; facts are strong and, conversely, words/opinions are weak.&#xA;If she's any like-minded to me, only things that will heal her self-esteem will be facts, e.g. a suitable man &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; approaching her and &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; successfully building a love story with her, thus &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; proving her she is worth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wishing all the best for both her and you. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T16:38:20.380" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10271" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10272" CreationDate="2018-02-07T17:18:55.467" Score="6" ViewCount="2060" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 21-year-old student. I work with another 21-year-old boy in the same club. We've been texting each other since May 2017 related to work. Recently, there's been an uptick in the number of texts related to personal stuff (favourite colour, favourite movies etc.) We now chat 24/7. It is nowhere flirtatious (we just call each other 'dear' sometimes). We also meet up at the college, even if we have no club-related work. We then talk about a lot of things that are far removed from work. When we talk, we are not distracted by what may happen around us, our gazes are fixed on one another and we smile a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What puzzles me is that he's actually very shy, especially with girls, but he's been dedicating time for me despite his busy schedule. This has led me to have some feelings for him lately, but I don't know if he, too, does. I am a girl who can't hide her feelings for more than a while. I usually confess or go to the point of confession. We will be working together for the next few months. There is a chance that my tongue will betray me someday. I would want to know from him how he feels about me without making it awkward. I don't know how to do it. I am sure I don't have an ephemeral feeling, it's backed by the effort we take to know each other knowing that we have only a few months left in college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S - During one of our conversations, he mentioned that he did not believe in Valentine's week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12396" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T17:25:06.490" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T09:58:55.253" Title="How to elicit a response from a colleague about his feelings for me without affecting work environment?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10271" CreationDate="2018-02-07T17:25:46.440" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;All that attention from him is probably a good sign, but the only way to know for sure is for someone to come out and say something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could certainly make the first move and ask him whether he'd like to discuss [insert topic here] over coffee. If he agrees you could reply with something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Great, it's a date!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and see how he reacts. If it all works out, and you get a good vibe, you can end the meeting with an encouragement for him to ask you out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That was fun, we should do this again sometime! Give me a call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you're not over-committing, but you're also giving him a hint in case he's too shy to make the first move. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention that you've gone on similar &quot;dates&quot; (although you didn't call them that), and that he in return asked you out on walks, etc. In which case, it appears you're in a bit of a stalemate. At this point someone needs to up the ante, and say something to push the situation to a resolution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Designating another of your meetings as a date may be enough to initiate a conversation, or judge whether the other person is made uncomfortable, or very happy by your choice of words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if that doesn't work you may well have to come out and say something:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have developed feelings for you, I'd like to know if you feel the same way about me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you mentioned, school will be ending soon, and you'll be going your separate ways. You really have nothing to lose if it doesn't for the way you had hoped, but you stand to gain quite a bit if he feels the same way about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T17:34:42.990" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T17:34:42.990" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10153" CreationDate="2018-02-07T17:42:11.383" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this honestly, is going beyond flirting and is becoming sexual assault. Or at least a physical attack / battery given &quot;he grabs her hair&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore the main suggestion I would give would be would to immediately call the police / law enforcement when this physical contact happens and explain that he grabbed and spoke sexually towards your girlfriend (it may be better if she makes this call herself).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending where you live, I expect there would not be serious long term repercussions for your friend such as a criminal record. But he is likely to have a stern talking to, and will be shows how serious such behavior is. Hopefully meaning he wont return to this behavior with you, or anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is worth being concerned that if you do this at a public event, disruption may be caused, so you may choose to take care when you do something like this. However I suspect given many have seen this (I assume) and it involves both unwanted advances and physical contact few people would see the action as unreasonable and at worse you are labeled as a bit rigid for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3629" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T17:42:11.383" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10263" CreationDate="2018-02-07T18:01:33.130" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not really familiar with the Asian culture, however I think this answer is in the direction what you are searching for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask for improvements or which parts they think were particulary good. When you ask this, the person giving the compliment is forced to give explanation why you did a good job. This has the effect that you know what your good and bad points are of your performance (this makes sure you can improve). If you don't really get feedback when you ask for clarification, you can be sure that they haven't really thought about it (and that the praise was not genuine).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that the person saying it could also say it to not make you feel bad, while this now makes that counter-productive for you, it is certainly not meant to make feel you that way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T18:01:33.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10276" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-07T18:21:44.550" Score="5" ViewCount="721" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife, my children, and I arrived yesterday for a 2 week stay at a &quot;senior&quot; style 55+ Florida RV park with a hot tub. We are very well informed of the risks associated with children enjoying hot tubs and take the necessary steps to ensure the children are always supervised and safe when using the hot tub.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today my wife was enjoying the hot tub with the children when a park employee informed her that it is illegal in Florida for children under the age of 18 to use a hot tub and that the kids must immediately exit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have researched and can find no such law, and in fact have found evidence that it may even be illegal to post signs enforcing such a rule (no such signs are posted here). I believe that the elderly park employee was either misinformed herself or may possibly have been guessing what the actual law is as a way for her to address her personal discomfort with seeing children use a hot tub.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a parent it has been a regular occurrence for me to encounter individuals that believe that hot tubs on their own are inherently injurious to children without understanding that the risks of heat stroke and drowning are easily countered with simple safe practices, primarily involving direct adult supervision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since we will be here for 2 weeks and my children experience great joy from using hot tubs, I would like to persuade the park staff to not interfere with our parenting decision in this matter, but only if this effort has a decent probability of success and a very low likelihood of damaging our relationship with the park staff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things I have going against me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being in my 30's I am much younger than the majority of staff and fellow residents in this &quot;retirement&quot; style RV community&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Children are an uncommon sight in this community&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Since I am here only a short time (2 weeks) the staff has little incentive to change their views to accommodate my family&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The staff will likely be approached by other residents who express concerns about our children's safety and the staff may feel obligated to defend our parenting choices to other residents&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it likely I could persuade the staff to not interrupt my family's enjoyment of the hot tub? If so, what might be a kind, tactful, and respectful way of discussing this with the staff?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11211" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T19:59:59.597" Title="Persuade community staff to be more lenient on unwritten &quot;rules&quot; about hot tub" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;parenting&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10277" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-07T18:28:29.037" Score="5" ViewCount="3871" Body="&lt;p&gt;My roommate and close friend of about 3 years has gotten more and more negative over the years.  He has been through a lot in his life and I can't say necessarily that his negativity/pessimism is unwarranted.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that he's becoming increasingly difficult to hold a conversation with him, and my patience is beginning to wear thin.  Every time I bring something up these days his response is something negative about his life, the government, or the world. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not against being realistic or even being negative from time to time, after all no one can be expected to be in a good mood 24/7, however it's been happening every time we talk, and it makes me angry sometimes. I just want to have at least one conversation that is actually interesting and that isn't dead in the water with his first response.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've resorted to avoiding him by staying in my room alone which isn't good for either of us.  I want to stay friends/roommates with him, but I don't think I can take much more unless something changes. I can feel his attitude changing me despite my best efforts and I honestly hate that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to have an honest conversation about this with him. How do I tell him I am losing my patience and energy with him without hurting his already delicate mental state?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I effectively approach this dialogue?&lt;/strong&gt;    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12552" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T20:07:48.907" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T17:25:54.760" Title="How to deal with constantly negative roommate?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10276" CreationDate="2018-02-07T18:29:34.960" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can try and reason with the person in question, but I think you'll find it quite difficult to not come across as ... difficult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is because these people are trying to paint their personal preferences as &lt;em&gt;state law&lt;/em&gt;, and they're not likely to listen to you very open mindedly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would essentially steer the conversation down the following path, adjusting to compensate for the answers given:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh? I certainly didn't mean to break any laws. However, I'm not aware of any such laws being on the books in this state. I've vacationed in Florida many times, and never before run into a situation like this. Did you mean to say that there's a facility rule about this? In which case, where is it posted?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If things escalate you can eventually ask to speak to the manager. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day you'll have to decide whether it's more important that your family gets to enjoy the facilities you presumably paid for, or whether you're more interested in getting along with folks you'll never see again after two weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T18:29:34.960" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10277" CreationDate="2018-02-07T18:37:44.217" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you see someone spiraling into a negative pattern of behavior, it's your duty as that person's friend to say something about it. Sit down with him one evening, and just give it to him straight:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [Name Here], I have to tell you that lately I don't feel like I can speak to you any more. You steer all our conversations into a rant about the government, etc., and you'll accept not different opinions on the matter. I've seen you become increasingly negative and difficult to deal with over the past year of so, and as your friend I'm trying to put you on notice that this is not a good path to travel down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adapt it to your own style, and let fly. If he values your friendship, he'll take your frank talk to heart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, don't be surprised if - in the moment - he will feel hurt, angry, or maybe even betrayed. It's very important to remain calm and collected as you deliver your message, and that you don't make it sound like an attack. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, speak objectively, and be sure to communicate that you're simply worried for his well being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T18:46:36.773" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T18:46:36.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10276" CreationDate="2018-02-07T19:59:59.597" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My family did a lot of RV travel when I was growing up. In general it was a very positive experience! Most of the people we met were very personable and friendly. Since you're neighbors with these people for two weeks, it's best to stay on their good side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'd approach it like you're asking for a favor, rather than a customer service complaint. Use the friendly atmosphere to your advantage, and keep it informal in tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi staff, the other day the kids were asked to leave the hot tub. Little Johnny was really looking forward to using it on our visit here, and I was wondering if there's some way he could be in it, even just for a little bit? Our kids have been in hot tubs before, and we're always very careful to supervise them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have specific practices you follow, like &quot;kids can only stay in ten minutes at a time&quot;, you could mention that as well to in case they're worried about the quality of your supervision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say yes - great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say &quot;No&quot; or even &quot;No, it's the law&quot; - sorry, they're not budging. Thank them for considering it anyways, and continue to enjoy the other facilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not press the issue unless it is really going to ruin your experience there. It's possible the park sees it as a liability issue and does have a policy. In that case, escalating won't gain you anything, and will only cause tension. It's also possible they had trouble with kids in the past and just don't want them around, in which case they'll probably get annoyed that you think &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; kids should get special treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that there's no explicit signage or written rules, I don't think there's any harm in asking, as long as you remain friendly and respectful through the interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;FWIW, my parents treated situations like that as teaching moments for how to gracefully respond to disappointment ;)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T19:59:59.597" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T20:18:46.353" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find most tech support is filled with inexperienced and frustrated staff who just run off a script.  They're not paid well.  They are Tier One support to filter out most of the incoming calls.  Tech support is designed in tiers.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I typically request to speak with an engineer when I find myself detecting an inexperienced support person.  It's not their fault.  They're just doing their job the best they can and often restricted by their company from doing anything else but follow the script.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must understand that tech support constantly gets bombarded by calls from people who refuse to learn or accept genuine solutions.  While at the same time some of them are so inexperienced that they often don't provide good solutions and don't know it.  Furthermore many of them are paid or rated by the number of tickets they close, not solutions.  It's a bad recipe and unfortunately it has become the norm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take stack-exchange as an example.  It's like a tech support.  It has a lot of experienced people but is plagued by contributors who are not effective at dealing with amateurs in a professional manner.  Now add the voting system into the mix and it's a lot like getting evaluated for closing tickets instead of delivering solutions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people, regardless of their experience level are horrible as teachers. &#xA;A school teacher gets asked the same question every year.  Every year they answer them, even if it seems redundant, and the answers are simple to THEM.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teaching requires patience and the acceptance of being asked &quot;dumb questions&quot; repeatedly.  If they cannot handle that, then they should simply not teach or pretend to be a teacher.  Stack-exchange is not teaching or education.  It's just giving out answers for upvotes. Just like some tech support is about closing tickets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.  Teach him how to fish and he eats for a lifetime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is if you are looking for a quick and accurate answer ask to have the trouble ticket elevated immediately and to speak with an engineer that will recognize your knowledge and speak with you on your level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12560" LastEditorUserId="12560" LastEditDate="2018-02-07T20:24:27.707" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T20:24:27.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10206" CreationDate="2018-02-07T20:43:44.707" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she is your friend and you tell her the truth, she will attempt to help you be there for her.  She will develop a solution instead of blaming you or holding it against you.  If not, then she is not a true friend or you are simply her emotional crutch.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friendship is based on trust.  Being able to tell each other the truth is a test of that trust.  You're not being harsh or uncaring for expecting that trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would simply be honest with her.  &quot;I want to be there for you but I cannot afford it and I feel terrible about it.  How can WE fix this?&quot;.  If she is a true friend, she will not get upset with you.  She may get upset at the situation.  However, she should then try to find a solution that works instead of just being angry.  Anything else is just emotionally irrational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12560" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T20:43:44.707" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-07T21:01:52.730" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am especially interested in the views of people who have worked/are working in tech support and know the other side of the fence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Check.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I show tech support that I am qualified enough to be given the required information directly without coming off as arrogant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To quote &lt;em&gt;The Usual Suspects&lt;/em&gt;: &quot;In my opinion, it can't be done&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They&lt;/strong&gt; might not be qualified to know the required information.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they know it, they are likely &lt;strong&gt;not allowed&lt;/strong&gt; to give it out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they somehow haven't been prohibited from giving out certain information, there is still no way to convince them that you can be trusted with it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the hosting company (or any organization that you're trying to get support from) wanted you to know something, they would have already told you or made that information available.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, people who feel &quot;qualified&quot; to look behind the curtain (and this especially includes developers) are one of the main categories of annoying customers for tech support people. The curtain is there for many good reasons, not only because most people wouldn't understand what's back there. The fact that you want to know more than you've already been told actually suggests to me that you might have less of an understanding of the big picture than you might think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a solution to your problem. If you really need to have knowledge and control of the systems that are hosting the web site(s) that you are supporting, then you'll have to choose to manage those systems yourself. That doesn't mean buying expensive servers or paying a lot for amazing bandwidth somewhere. I suggest you try out a public cloud service like Microsoft Azure or Amazon AWS and see if that fits your needs better. With services like that, you can choose how much control you have (more control is more expensive). One way to look at your current situation is that you're not &lt;em&gt;paying&lt;/em&gt; them enough to tell you the gory details, not that you're not knowledgeable enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5904" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T21:01:52.730" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10206" CreationDate="2018-02-07T21:38:23.700" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may be screwed either way.  Some people just don't understand these things.  We lost a good friendship when we weren't able to travel many hundreds of miles to attend a wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We tried to be nice about it, but it didn't matter.  Unfortunately, that's how it goes sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ensure she knows that you would really like to go and that it's not because you want something else more.  You will want her not to think that you have the money and that you choose to spend it on something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12565" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T21:38:23.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-02-07T22:13:07.737" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;That's actually a pretty common POV among us creative types.  Because our active brains come up with a much longer list of projects than we can actually &lt;em&gt;render&lt;/em&gt; in the time available. Especially when that time is also sapped by less-than-ideal time management skills and a penchant for distraction. There are plenty of jokes such as &quot;I'll do it when I get a Round Tuit&quot; (a word play on &quot;I'll do it when I get around to it.&quot;.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/P3N3m.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/P3N3m.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;The image shows &amp;quot;round tuits.&amp;quot; (Round Tuit a word play on &amp;quot;I&amp;#39;ll do it when I get around to it&amp;quot;) &quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If only.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The result is that our &quot;top priority ideas&quot; are often kicked down the road for &lt;em&gt;years and years&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, paradoxically, what happens with these folks (and I know because I am one of them) is that when &lt;em&gt;somebody does&lt;/em&gt; something on &lt;em&gt;our&lt;/em&gt; to-do list, instead of enjoying it, we are resentful of it.   &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Oh. I was going to do that.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;  Realistically that is untrue; it's been rotting on my wish-list for 7 years 5 months 13 days, and I hadn't gotten to it yet, I was rather unlikely to get to it in the &lt;em&gt;next&lt;/em&gt; 7  years 5 months 13 days. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But ones emotions do not recognize that reality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even worse, it often comes out as &lt;em&gt;irrational criticism&lt;/em&gt; of the work.  &quot;Well, you could have done it better&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having soaked in this world for decades, and having to operate in it professionally, I have concluded the only workable option is to &lt;em&gt;call it out&lt;/em&gt; for exactly what it looks like in outward appearance: &lt;strong&gt;Naysaying&lt;/strong&gt;.  My standard response is &quot;haters gonna hate&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course I know exactly what is going on in their minds, because I myself must spend time repressing that &quot;I was gonna do that / yours is so much worse than my dream&quot; emotion, and through long practice I have that down to about 10 seconds.   Mind you, I have actively trained, under competent teachers, the science of &lt;em&gt;understanding&lt;/em&gt; what goes on in my mind... which helps me learn it a little sooner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your coworker has a particularly acute and transparent case of this.  There is no workable way to fill him with the self-awareness of what his mind is doing.  In fact, &lt;em&gt;even trying&lt;/em&gt; a terrible idea, first because you don't have informed consent to facilitate him, but it also violates a basic social rule: &lt;strong&gt;Don't ascribe motive&lt;/strong&gt;.  Not least because you could be completely wrong about the mechanism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's why I simply call it &quot;naysaying&quot; and &quot;haters gonna hate&quot;, calling out only the provable activity rather than the motives.  Best scenario: they have the realization, or simply learn that the behavior is counterproductive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So feel free to be annoyed at his unsupport, just don't be too hard on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. I am surprised that a wood shop doesn't have West System by the gallon. That works as a resin (try 207 hardener).  Resin is a fine way to top tables. Also watch out for leaving cups of uncured resin around, they can't shed heat well and will go into thermal runaway as they cure, which can start a fire. Thick projects like that table must be done in layers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="137" LastEditDate="2018-12-29T04:47:20.827" LastActivityDate="2018-12-29T04:47:20.827" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10277" CreationDate="2018-02-07T22:25:04.610" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;He will  have his experience.  You can't author it, you can't be responsible for it, and you shouldn't try to change it ... much.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is reality to him.  Trying to tell him his reality is wrong is a hard sell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact it'll make things worse: becoming a &lt;em&gt;foil&lt;/em&gt; to his beliefs will only make him rationalize and justify them, making it harder for him to accurately perceive that they are not true. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(although they may &lt;em&gt;be&lt;/em&gt; true - when my rustbelt friends said &quot;it's the economy&quot; while I watched the Dow bust 16,000, I thought they were wrong - did not understand what had happened to the job market there). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The vital thing is &lt;strong&gt;protect yourself and your own emotions&lt;/strong&gt;. Learn to be around his opinions without being dragged into them emotionally.  This is not cutthroat: this is putting the oxygen mask on yourself first.   He is emotionally shaky, you need to be steady.  It is not loyalty to make yourself shaky too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So listen, but do not judge, and do not absorb or internalize his words.  Look for grains of truth where they may be present, and recognize that what is true &lt;em&gt;for him&lt;/em&gt; is not necessarily true &lt;em&gt;for you&lt;/em&gt;.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And keep your own feet.  If the only way to do that is distance yourself, then do that only as is necessary, and don't make a big  thing of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T22:25:04.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10271" CreationDate="2018-02-07T23:12:15.193" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talk about relationships, about partners and ideal ones. If his described ideal partner sounds similar to you then say something like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I'm not 'Friend-zoned' yet then!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which gives them the opportunity to talk further and gives them the hint that you don't wish to be seen as just a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask him his thoughts on dating colleagues. An answer like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I don't see that it should matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Won't tell you anything but&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; date a colleague, its so unprofessional&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;gives you a pretty clear clue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over all, keep things light and jokey, don't make them feel you're backing them (or yourself) into a corner with a serious conversation about your relationship. If its a light conversation you can back out and change track pretty easily, a serious one could make things awkward at work if the answer isn't the one you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T23:12:15.193" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-02-07T23:29:34.973" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems that the worse outcome for this table idea is that now neither of you do anything with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One possible way out is for you to gift him the resin (assuming it's not super expensive, and you have a useful quantity), and say that you were interested in trying out the process but don't want to carry through and actually complete a project with it. Leave him free to work on it on his own, and let him share it with you when he wants to, or asks for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My interpretation is that he maybe had some ideas about making the project in a way that he was particularly interested (but stalled for an unknown reason). It may seem unreasonable, but you may not have all the facts - and for sure you can now see signs that were maybe missed, and opportunities to have prevented the conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="78" LastActivityDate="2018-02-07T23:29:34.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-08T01:16:16.503" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, I would start off presenting yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear XYZ support team&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am the web developer in charge of example.com website.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By presenting you this way, you are establishing the frame to treat you, hinting that you should be presupposed to be &lt;em&gt;somewhat&lt;/em&gt; proficient, so they could choose to answer in a more technical detail. Note that if it actually was &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; fault (such as not finding the changes because you were connecting to the wrong webhost), the higher knowledge you implied to have, it's more likely they will probably look down on you as not a good &quot;expert&quot; (even though we all make silly mistakes from time to time).¹&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think that telling them that you are the &quot;administrator&quot; of the website conveys this, since that could apply to anyone with an administrator account on the CMS, regardless of their proficiency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;¹ Not that it will matter much after they close the ticket. Unless you contact them so often that they &lt;em&gt;remember you&lt;/em&gt;, which would be nice if they have a good opinion, and probably mean they will dumb down even more if they think you have no idea at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, explain clearly the issue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My customer is experiencing an issue where his WordPress 4.9.4 install doesn't show the updated content after editing. He claims this happens on different computers and browsers. It will eventually be shown, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am stating the problem, the technology used up to the actual version. And also, the facts that you didn't verify yourself are being qualified as such (it wouldn't be unlikely that you were told something  that was wrong).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, state the troubleshooting you already performed and their results:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There is no caching plugin installed, and the option &quot;Show stale content&quot; that is available on the site preferences is disabled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, you may advance your hypothesis:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you have any other caching layer that may be affecting the customer? Is there a caching proxy (such as squid or varnish) serving the pages before being served by Apache?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here you are guessing that there is a proxy serving cached pages. The mention of actual packages can be useful in case the support team didn't know about &quot;caching proxies&quot;, but remembers that there is something called &quot;varnish&quot; installed there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for your attention&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be polite in your tickets, keep the ticket identifiers on the subject, take care of your orthography, organise the text in paragraphs. A text that is nice to read will be easier to handle than one where you need to guess what it is talking about, and just for that it will probably be answered quicker. Plus the effort spared on understanding it can be directed to the actual problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Include screenshots if needed (and supported by the ticketing system). In same cases they may show the problem better than a text description (sometimes, there is a crucial hint there that can be obtained). If you are using the command line, provide both the command and its output.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beware that making a text too long may have the opposite effect, too. If you think the long explanation can actually discourage the reply, you can arrange differently:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear XYZ support team&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you have any caching layer in front of your &lt;em&gt;FooWebsites&lt;/em&gt; package?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The issue I am facing is that the customer doesn't see immediately the changes he performed in WordPress 4.9.4.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have already checked the following things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(…)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If some of the data is long (like a debug file), you can provide that on an attachment. This way, if irrelevant, it can be skipped by not opening. Depending on the ticket platform, they may otherwise need to scroll down seven pages of logs before reading the next reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is some extra information they would be unlikely to need, you can simply offer to provide it (“I recorded a video performing the publication steps and where the problem can be seen, would you be interested on it?”).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should &lt;em&gt;sometimes&lt;/em&gt; follow-up acknowledging that their solution worked. Specially if you have been back and forth with the tech support. Rather than presenting a list of possibilities for fixing the stale content issue and not hearing back, it is nice to receive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks a lot, changing that option in cPanel solved it. You are the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, the HelpDesk can note the issue as fixed as and close it. Take it with a grain of salt though, as it may be that the ticket had already been closed after their answer, and thanking them would reopen it (generating more work). So if you think this will be the case, it may be desirable not to do it (specially if it was an easy answer for them). If you don't know the status of the ticket at their side, I would recommend erring on the side of acknowledging the solution and thanking, though. The people answering you are humans (hopefully), and deserve being treated as such. It is generally really simple to reclose such a &quot;Thanks&quot; message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, try to follow guidelines for posing technical questions, such as the famous Eric S. Raymond &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.catb.org/esr/faqs/smart-questions.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How To Ask Questions The Smart Way&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may take a bit longer to state what you tried instead of simply saying &quot;WordPress doesn't work&quot;, but that way you are presenting your proficiency by your work. And it may even &lt;a href=&quot;http://hwrnmnbsol.livejournal.com/148664.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;spare you the question entirely&lt;/a&gt; (stating the issue may hint a solution, or provide a way by which you can get confirmation of what is happening by yourself). It will anyway be faster than if they had to start asking you &quot;&lt;em&gt;In what way it doesn't work, what did you tried?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; following a script.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend sending an email/ticket instead of calling. Unless you have an expensive support contract (and probably even then), calls will be handled by the lowest Tier, and may actually need to convert that into a ticket if escalating &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10239/how-to-let-tech-support-subtly-know-that-i-am-proficient-without-showing-off/#10252&quot;&gt;as noted by Gypsy&lt;/a&gt;). If you contact by email, the information you provided (not the way the first Tier understood some parts of what you said) is available to anyone handling the ticket (even yourself!), which allows a less noisy communication. It also spares you from having to explain everything from the beginning to every agent each time you are transferred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention that &lt;em&gt;you write a lot of these emails and they are a waste of your and everyone elses time&lt;/em&gt;. I would argue that there is something wrong if you need to spend too much time in relation to the &quot;normal&quot; work to keep the thing up. Perhaps you are not so proficient [in the way your friends WordPress is installed], the webhost is doing some uncommon things, their tech support is incompetent… At one point it may make sense to switch providers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may find out that even if your question is crystal clear, you are being provided long answers with many points not too relevant to your issue, &quot;wasting their time&quot;. For example, after asking to which host you should ssh to, they are not only indicating where to find it, but also how to access by FTP and explaining how to download and run PuTTY.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean that by not grasping that you are proficient they spent a lot of time in order to explain you basic concepts. When there is a frequent question, there will be a template for the solution, and it is actually faster to reply explaining everything than cutting down to just what was asked. So, if there is a case that the rest may be useful, it makes sense to leave it even if it may be a bit redundant for your profile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a written communication goes both ways, as you can skim the reply to the part where they explain what you wanted. However, if you need to ask back, &lt;em&gt;do read everything and confirm it was not at another part of their reply&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nevertheless, no matter how well explained is everything, sometimes you will get in contact with a tech support who will &lt;em&gt;fail&lt;/em&gt; to properly address your request the first time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2803" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T01:16:16.503" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10206" CreationDate="2018-02-08T01:17:34.200" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anne, have you decided on the location yet?&#xA;  I really want to be there for you, but I'm worried&#xA;  that I might not be able to afford it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know destination:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Cuba sounds awesome. But I don't think I could&#xA;  afford going there.&#xA;  I feel so terrible because I really want to be there&#xA;  for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you sure it will be ~$2000? I just googled &quot;travel to cuba&quot; and it seems tickets are $200-$400, depending on where you are flying from. Can you afford $400 for the flight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it and decide on the budget. Then take 50-75% of that amount and tell her that's how much you can afford. For example, if you think you could afford $600, tell her your budget is $400.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Knowing the destination and the cost of the flight I might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The money is tight, but I guess I could pay for&#xA;  the flight. But I have no idea how to come up with&#xA;  the money for the hotel and any other expenses&#xA;  I might have there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Why do you suggest telling her your budget is smaller than it actually is?&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the friend might try to stretch it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;there can always be unexpected expenses, so it's always a good idea to leave some wiggle room. The tighter the money situation, the more wiggle room you need.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Also, being a bridesmaid is more than just flight + hotel, it usually involves paying for a fancy dress, shoes, makeup, hair, jewelry, gifts - this may be a factor in why the estimate is so much higher&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I aware of that there is more than flight and hotel, however:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;based on my understanding of the question, there was no financial problem before the idea of destination wedding came up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;and in my answer I suggested saying: &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...I could pay for the flight. But I have no idea how to come up with&#xA;  the money for the hotel and any &lt;strong&gt;other expenses&lt;/strong&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I got married, I told all my overseas guests that they shouldn't bring any gifts. Considering the cost of the flight, their presence was the present. Also, I turned my house to a make-shift hotel for them. We didn't force any clothing choice on &lt;strong&gt;anyone&lt;/strong&gt; in attendance. And we had an awesome party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was a bridesmaid twice, and both times I was free to pick my clothing (I think the color was suggested).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that people spend way too much money on weddings. And those expensive bridesmaid dresses that can never be worn again? I just don't get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that person wants to have a destination wedding, she shouldn't expect people to spend as much money for outfit and gifts as for a local wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12572" LastEditorUserId="12572" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T21:45:55.030" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T21:45:55.030" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10295" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-08T02:17:03.423" Score="20" ViewCount="18326" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend Alice and I have been together for the past 4 years, we're both 20 years old. I've recently decided to end our relationship for reasons related to some traits of her personality (e.g. anxious, lacking self-confidence, not quite lighthearted) and decreased physical attraction. But I can't do it right away because if I did, she would not be able to take her exams. Therefore I plan to tell her just a few days after them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is Alice suspects nothing at all. We have had contrasts but they've always been superficially temporary, as I try to be kind to her, even because she suffers from lack of self-esteem. In other words, she doesn't expect these problems are going to lead to a break-up. However, she irrationally fears it: despite me trying to push her to be more self-confident, she's always told me about being not enough for me, and that I shall leave her - even when I didn't want to. Relatedly, Alice has also often said that if I were to leave her, she wouldn't know how to live anymore, and even talked about suicide. I am pretty sure she won't do anything dangerous, but this is obviously not a healthy attitude from her - I've always tried to correct this, and even suggested to go to a doctor, but she always minimized, and after all &lt;em&gt;she has me&lt;/em&gt;. I hope she'll have the courage to go after the break-up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, Alice has an apartment way larger than mine, and we almost live together there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I still care for her, so I'm trying to find the best possible way. For example I definitely won't leave her alone before seeing her calm enough. Besides, I'll make sure her flatmate is at home when it happens, so that she can support Alice after I go, and anyway prevent her from hurting herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will avoid telling her about what might be wrong with her, and focus on the fact that &lt;em&gt;I have changed&lt;/em&gt;, and I need to recollect myself because my feelings for her are not as intense as before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here's my question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were to prepare Alice through a longer period of time, how should I do it? It seems to me that stopping going to her apartment and remaining in a sort of limbo for days is in its own right, by contrast, something so big that might even worsen or elongate her suffering over all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I want to tell Alice that if she'll be willing, I will do whatever is in my power to help her get over this moment, and even stay friends with her when she does, if she wants to. How can I do so without running the risk of actually making it harder for her to go forward?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12408" LastEditorUserId="12408" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T02:54:41.587" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T10:33:41.830" Title="How to prepare my girlfriend for the break-up?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10295" CreationDate="2018-02-08T05:13:40.187" Score="4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Let her know you still care for her&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From how your question is worded &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;Now, I still care for her&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, you still like her as a friend, just not as a potential wife persay. I think you are right to hesitate to tell her before her exams, since she might react poorly to that and mess them up because of stress. However, don't lead her on. &lt;strong&gt;2 or 3 days after they end&lt;/strong&gt;, let her know that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1.&lt;/strong&gt; You really appreciate her in that she &lt;em&gt;(insert something you like/appreciate about her)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2.&lt;/strong&gt; You still care about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, let her know the &lt;strong&gt;positive things&lt;/strong&gt; you liked about the relationship (aside from physical attraction, many/&lt;strong&gt;most girls have serious doubts their body&lt;/strong&gt;, therefore, either don't bring it up or &lt;strong&gt;let her know that that wasn't the cause for breaking up&lt;/strong&gt;, as that will contribute majorly to any stress she feels)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Finally,&lt;/strong&gt; tell her that you want to breakup with her because it just wasn't working out for you. (use a specific &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; reason (make it your fault)) Be open, but not rude, abrasive, or mean (It sounds like you weren't planning on it, but still be careful not to come across that way). Tell her that you still wish to remain good friends and you hope the best for her. Follow up with her on the following days to make sure the 'bond' between you guys doesn't get poisoned by her thoughts and fears. Additionally, &lt;strong&gt;if she does make any serious hints/threats/propositions that she is going to kill herself, call 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) or use &lt;a href=&quot;https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;the online Lifeline Chat&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt; Do not hesitate to do this if she is serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope all goes well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8785" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T05:13:40.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10300" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-08T08:13:45.237" Score="-1" ViewCount="323" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a biweekly evening class of adults (who are mostly strangers to one another) learning German at beginner level (A1). Our first lesson contrasted with the next four, which were given by a different teacher and were felt to be much more helpful and enjoyable. She was covering for the first teacher, who was sick. After lesson two with our new teacher, one student collected email addresses (though I didn't give mine) and emailed the course director asking the new teacher to take over permanently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our old teacher has now returned, is aware that this email was written, and made a pointed comment to the instigator. Naturally things are awkward, and our German lessons are less enjoyable.&#xA;Given that a change in teacher was never likely, how can I or we help put things back on track?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7695" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T06:05:11.560" Title="Improving teacher-student relationship" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-02-08T14:26:30.603" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-08T09:43:33.110" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a CS student and have called our ISP multiple times because of network issues, but never to any avail. They just said to restart the router and call again if the problem persists over a few days.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;At some point, I noticed an error message in the routers log that strongly implied that the problem was within their network. What I did then, to get around the telephone tech-support that doesn't seem to know much, is to &lt;strong&gt;tweet at them&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has multiple effects:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they don't respond, it's bad PR&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They can respond when they find the time to do so&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They can fetch the people who are actually supposed to know how to answer&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, I was asked to give a bit more information over Twitter Direct Messaging and was about a week later called by an expert.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But&lt;/strong&gt; if you aren't reporting a problem on their side; if you're only asking a question, then telephone support would probably be the better choice because you haven't tried some of the ridiculously simple solutions (at least I always forget to try one) and sometimes we just don't know their internal architecture.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;In this case, the other answers are better-fitting.&lt;/em&gt; However, what speaks against just straight up telling them that you're working as [Insert title of your position] and you know what you're talking about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2061" LastEditorUserId="2061" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T10:14:12.547" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T10:14:12.547" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10302" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7673" CreationDate="2018-02-08T09:45:43.587" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You know how important it is to me that you could be healthier. I care about you. I also understand how difficult it is to change smoking habits, and I'm willing to keep helping you as much as I can to make it easier for you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your disappointment is never expressed directly, but your intentions and motives are clear, which also make it clear that not participating in the effort is going to disappoint you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By expressing it like that, you focus on the future instead of blaming for the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;From my personal experience&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any habit is composed of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a trigger (could be anxiety)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a ritual (smoking)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a reward (feeling relaxed)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to change is to identify the trigger, to change the ritual, but most important of all, &lt;strong&gt;to keep the reward&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It took me 23 years of trying to stop cracking my knuckles unsuccessfully, until I read about the science behind habits.&#xA;I simply tried to understand what was my reward (a sense of relaxation in the hands), and simply forced myself to feel the same reward after simply tapping my fingers on the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For smoking, one could simply go out, replace smoking by a similar breathing exercise, then try experiencing the same relaxation as after having smoked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also makes complete sense: if you experience the same reward, then the ritual doesn't matter much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In doubt, read &quot;the power of habit&quot; (or audiobook if you're as lazy as I am)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to try and explain this to her, see if she is open to trying this as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12589" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T09:56:35.807" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T09:56:35.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10300" CreationDate="2018-02-08T10:06:32.307" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are stuck with the teacher maybe you can tell him that the second teacher did this and that (describe what she did differently) and ask him if he can do something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are lucky then the original teacher is open to new ideas and he tries to improve his teaching. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T10:06:32.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10300" CreationDate="2018-02-08T10:52:32.850" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless you decide to drop out of the course entirely it only makes sense to try and improve the atmosphere now. You're trying to improve the class atmosphere and the first step towards that is to start building a personal rapport.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The whole idea is that you should be treating any hard feelings or awkwardness as &lt;em&gt;water under the bridge.&lt;/em&gt; Tell the teacher that you're glad he is back in as positive a manner as you can. You're trying to improve the class atmosphere and the first step towards that is to start building a personal rapport. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell the teacher that you're glad he is back in as positive a manner as you can. Talk to the teacher alone before or after class, you're friendly and non-threatening.  Actually there is a real opportunity here to get the very best out of your teacher, perhaps make the course better than it would have been without incident. You've built a little trust /rapport between the two of you. You shouldn't reference the substitute teacher at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T06:05:11.560" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T06:05:11.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3144" CreationDate="2018-02-08T11:59:40.047" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;They need to send you gift because they care about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to avoid receiving &quot;traditional gifts&quot;, you should fulfill their need: tell them what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're like me, you can tell them you like experiences instead of objects. You prefer going to a restaurant to a new dining set. You could tell them that you're interested in what they like, because you want to know them better. You could tell them you want to receive things &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; think is great, in general. A great book, a trip to an uncommon place they love&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just don't tell them &quot;I want nothing&quot;. You don't need to receive, but they probably need to give.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;edit: apparently the &quot;why&quot; was not clear enough. Here it is again:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason is the first and last sentence of my post: don't only think about what you want or not, think about why they send gifts (maybe they need to).&#xA;I assume there are things you like, like most people, that's why I was advising to simply tell what you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they know what you like (adapt their gifts) and you know why it's important to them (making it much easier to accept (or harder to reject)), then, to me, it looks like the situation would be considered &quot;fixed&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12589" LastEditorUserId="12589" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T15:05:30.377" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T15:05:30.377" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10182" CreationDate="2018-02-08T12:15:15.087" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way I see it, there could be two ways of approaching the topic once it's brought up: one where you avoid the subject altogether (as mentioned in your question), and another where you try to slowly get your mom to get involved again, while also ensuring your boundaries. I think it's important to show her that either way, you respect her boundaries and views, even if you do not agree with them, so long as that respect is mutual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For avoiding the subject altogether, you could simply state that you respect her choice not to touch the subject, while mentioning it in a cheerful manner. By showing her you wish to respect her boundaries with a positive tone, you also take away some of the feelings that might linger around the subject, as she might see it as a &quot;bad&quot; subject. That is, something that brings up conflict. The conflicts may or may not influence how she sees the subject, but in both cases, a &quot;friendly reminder&quot; should do the trick:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: I want you to have a soulmate so that you can be safe!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You (with a smile): I'm happy you want me to be safe, but I chose to respect your decision to not talk about this subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you might disagree with her way of seeing the subject, I think it's important to still acknowledge the underlying motives: she's worried about your safety and happiness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, however, you'd like to try to bring her back into that part of your life, you could try a &quot;safety check&quot; on the subject. By keeping the positive tone, you show her that you're open to discuss it, so long as it's not treated as a conflict:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: I want you to find a man to protect you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: I really wish we could talk about this, but you asked me not to, so I chose to respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases, you should evaluate whether or not she's open to discuss it open-mindedly. If she opens up to letting you talk about it, approach it slowly, but reinforcing the positive tone; after all, it's a part of your life you want to be happy with, and you want her to know that. If, however, she starts getting stressed/fed up/uncooperative about it, you can return to the previously-placed boundary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: I do not agree with this, I want you to have a man to take care of you!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: I think we should talk about something else. You asked me not to talk about it before, and I'd like to respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, if you also want to let her know you expect the same level of respect from her, you can bring it up the next time she mentions it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I chose to respect your decision on not talking about this subject, but I'd like you to also respect my decision of keeping my views on it when you bring it up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, I'm finding - from experience - that keeping a positive overtone on a parent's views/boundaries on LGBT+ dating goes a long way into avoiding conflicts. You want to treat it not as a &quot;problematic&quot; or a &quot;touchy&quot; subject, but rather something you're open - and happy - to talk about, given how willing they are to respect you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;As my first answer in this site, any comments/edits on improvements will be very much appreciated.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10317" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T12:15:15.087" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10206" CreationDate="2018-02-08T13:09:04.307" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anne, I understand you would like to go to an exotic place, but I'm&#xA;  not sure I'll be able to afford the travel. I would be really sad if&#xA;  you do not wed in your dream place because of me, as I would be really&#xA;  sad too if I missed your wedding. I don't know what to do and I need to&#xA;  talk to you about it, our friendship is immensely important to me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;edit: I sure can. I just assumed that shorter was better ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's dive in the details:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anne, I understand you would like to go to an exotic place,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to acknowledge her wish: having the wedding of her dreams. If she gets to give it up, she needs to know that you're fully aware of her initial intention. She needs to know that you know that it's a dream for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but I'm not sure I'll be able to afford the travel&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you need to tell her the truth&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would be really sad if you do not wed in your dream place because of me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is true, otherwise you would have just asked her to change her plans, but you don't want to because it would make you sad. You don't feel entitled to even ask her to change her plans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;as I would be really sad too if I missed your wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that's pretty obvious&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know what to do&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, you think you know what to do and that implies telling her you simply can't go. There are other options, but all of which imply her participation, which you assume is probably not an option, reasons that would be interesting to dig.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and I need to talk to you about it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because she has to be involved in the decision. You're suffering and she's your friend. You're asking her for help, genuinely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;our friendship is immensely important to me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to make sure she knows how important her friendship is to you. Even if you were to miss her wedding, you would never want this loss to be used as an excuse to diminish the strength of your friendship (&quot;she didn't come to my wedding anyway&quot;). This is mandatory to make her realize that simply saying &quot;oh, too bad, I'm so sorry you can't come&quot; is not an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then insert your parents in the discussion later. When the discussion is engaged, this part will be easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What will happen is the following: maybe she didn't realize how costly it would be for others. She will change her wedding location to suit you and your parent needs, then do a party or a second wedding on her exotic location.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she persist in wedding at an expensive location, maybe she does not want you that much (unlikely according to your initial post).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she really needs you &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; the exotic island, she would be able to financially help you, because that's what friends do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope it gave a little bit more context to this initially short answer :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12589" LastEditorUserId="12589" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T14:33:42.277" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T14:33:42.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10228" CreationDate="2018-02-08T13:58:09.383" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know the full situation or this girl too well but I can give my two cents from learning out of a similar situation at my workplace. &#xA;I was facing a somewhat similar situation except the guy I work with used to talk to me a lot more in the beginning and show romantic interest in me and one day he just stopped talking altogether, which made for a very confusing and awkward situation. From observing his social behavior I noticed that he is also socially awkward around other people as well and prefers staying out of social gathering etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you work in an office with different personalities you learn to work with the differences in communication types and &lt;strong&gt;my suspicion is that she might be somewhat socially awkward, shy or unsure of how to be social&lt;/strong&gt; (unless she behaves completely different with other people at the office). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I handled the situation is continue to be social with other coworkers and show that person that it doesn't bother me that he doesn't speak to me anymore and it's not affecting my days. &lt;strong&gt;My suggestion is sending her an email or a private message and directly asking if she is ok or if you had done anything to upset her&lt;/strong&gt;, she may also have personal issues outside of the office that are affecting her mood. You never know what people are going through at a workplace where they keep things to themselves. If she still responds in a cold manner you might want to accept her behavior and try not to let it bother you just knowing that the work relationship will stay strictly professional at this point. &lt;strong&gt;Sometimes being direct is the best solution to finding the answer rather than guessing or making assumptions.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I also know that sometimes when someone likes you romantically they get nervous and shut down around you to mask their feelings (I'm not saying that this is the case here but it's an option to consider)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T13:58:09.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-08T14:00:39.800" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have worked in 1st, 2nd and 3rd level technical support for an internet bank, IT development for various companies and web development as a freelancer.  I've handled everything from password resets through to developing complex business systems using a variety of languages on a variety of platforms.  Hope you don't think I am showing off!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, even when I first started out and I was relatively inexperiened, 95% of customers had a lower level of knowledge than I did when it came to computers so you would by default try not to use jargon, assume they hadn't done anything to resolve the problem etc.  With experience you would get to have an idea about how knowledgeable the customer was just by talking to them for a few seconds, but you have to be careful not to assume things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Companies do tend to use scripts but the good ones will allow their staff to stray off the script once they are experienced enough to do so as long as it benefits the customer and the company, usually this involves fixing the problem more quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nowadays when I want technical support I will email my web host and give them all the necessary information, i.e. what I have tried to do to resolve, what I think the problem is etc and usually it is fixed first time within a few hours.  If I need urgent assistance I will ring them but 99% of the time email is sufficient and less stressful, rarely do I need to send a second email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to consider a new webhost as service can vary quite a bit in my experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12604" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-10T06:54:01.117" LastActivityDate="2018-02-10T06:54:01.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10295" CreationDate="2018-02-08T14:50:15.947" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't prepare someone for a breakup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships are complicated things with lots of emotional symbolism. A large portion of the emotional toll of a breakup is in the change of label from &lt;em&gt;dating&lt;/em&gt; to &lt;em&gt;not dating&lt;/em&gt;. This is a binary distinction that you can't ease into. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are right to think that slowly growing distant from her is just going to make things worse before the breakup. Imagine if someone wanted to break up with you. Would you prefer that they slowly retreat from you without explanation, or that they tell you up front they no longer want to date you? It's better to end it now than to reveal later that you've only been staying with them because you didn't think they were emotionally stable enough to handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've decided you want to break up with her. Now is the time to do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T14:55:52.523" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T14:55:52.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7084" CreationDate="2018-02-08T14:52:22.950" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My advise is that it is your right to give her your point of view and it is her right to choose her lifestyle. I suggest that you communicate for some time about the subject and that you give her your advises proved by some scientific point of view and then tell her that this is your opinion and all what you care about is her and her health but state clearly that if she doesn't agree you will support her in anything she feels comfortable with. As said before, don't make comments about her appearance, weight or body just stick to the health level.&#xA;You can prepare your speech ahead to avoid saying offensive sentences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12607" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T14:52:22.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10319" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10295" CreationDate="2018-02-08T15:04:46.560" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;While you may be right to wait until after her exams (to do otherwise might be a bit callous), don't keep putting it off. In my experience there is &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; a reason to delay a breakup - upcoming holidays, Christmas, Valentine's Day etc. - and the more you have this mindset the harder it becomes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, like me, you are naturally sensitive to others' feelings then initiating a break-up is perhaps the hardest thing to do. I would spend hours fretting over how they would feel, the hurt etc. and just talk myself out of it. You need to stop thinking like that and start thinking that not only is it the &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; thing to do, but you are doing her a favour in the long run by freeing her to be with someone who can appreciate and care for her in a way that you no longer are able.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some reason I think a lot of women are better at initiating break-ups than men (it's stereo-typically the case), not because they are less caring, but perversely because they trust their feelings more and perhaps know that it's the right thing to do so they just do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually think what you say just needs to be short and to the point. Trying to sugar-coat it and offering to stay friends etc. in my experience just leaves them wiggle room to talk you out of it or try and re-kindle the relationship down the line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: wait for her exams to finish, then do it &lt;em&gt;as soon as you can&lt;/em&gt;. Be polite but firm and clear. Yes it will hurt for both of you, but the sooner it happens the sooner you can both begin to heal and ultimately move on with your lives. Time is precious and dragging these things out is actually just wasting both of your lives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T15:04:46.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10295" CreationDate="2018-02-08T15:15:19.943" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1:&lt;/strong&gt; Ask her to give you space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Could you give me some space for a few days? I've got a few things I&#xA;  need to sort out on my own.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've experienced this both ways - I've asked someone this question before and someone has asked me. Both times it lead to the same conclusion (the breakup) which is what you're planning for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The challenge to overcome here is how accepting she will be of it. If she's the type of person who is reliant on you for comfort, then a few days away from each other might be painstaking for her. All of her negative thoughts/insecurities will begin to surface and she will run every possible scenario through her head about why you need space. If she's close friends with her flatmate, hope that their friendship will provide enough of a distraction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another reason you could cite is that you want her to do well on her exams and give her time to focus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My sweetie, I know you have exams coming up, and I've got some things&#xA;  I need to sort out. How would you feel if we gave each other some room&#xA;  to focus the next few days? I really want you to do well and I don't want to distract you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2:&lt;/strong&gt; Ask her to reserve some time to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A weekend is typically a good point of reference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Can we talk this weekend? I want to share some things with you&#xA;  [thoughts/feelings, expectations, future plans] and I want to hear&#xA;  from you as well.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use this discussion as a way to bring about your feelings of the breakup, or, use it as a way to prepare her for a subsequent conversation where you would officially breakup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make your request serious but lighthearted. Try not to make it sound grim. Set a date and time to meet with her and ask her to reserve 3-4 hours so that you both can have enough time to talk. Try to make sure that she understands you want to have a discussion. The same challenge as Option 1 applies here as well: the time leading up to &quot;the talk&quot; may be painstaking for her. This all depends on your approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility is to start with Option 2 - plan a meeting with her - and then use Option 1 as a discussion topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 3:&lt;/strong&gt; Don't prepare her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just carry on as usual. The challenge with this is that it may make it harder for you to breakup with her. Continue as usual, let her finish her exams, then let her know you want to talk. I've had abrupt endings to relationships in the midst of important deadlines. It was stressful, but I still got through it successfully. So will she. Most people are more resilient than they are given credit for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The truth is, there is no &quot;ideal&quot; method to breaking up with someone because having that conversation is not an &quot;ideal&quot; scenario. Nobody likes doing it, especially with someone you care for, so the most important thing is to &lt;strong&gt;follow your heart&lt;/strong&gt;, because nobody can truly know what feels right for you other than &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11156" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T15:15:19.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-02-08T16:26:50.057" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that the resin is not the issue. Your friend is discontent about something else in his life, and is projecting that discontent onto you, and the resin situation. Try not to take it personally: your friend probably doesn't realize that he is misdirecting his discontent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this is a very, very normal thing for a human to do and you should not consider your friend a bad person for doing this. In fact I think this is an excellent opportunity for your friendship to advance to a deeper level, the level of lifelong friendship. I think you should find a time to bring it up with your friend and let him know that you respect him and want to be his friend, and try to probe about what might be going on in his life to cause him to feel this way. It could be that he's unsatisfied with his job, his girlfriend, his apartment, general life direction, etc. It's likely that your friend hasn't consciously realized he is discontent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do approach your friend to try to pry and find out more, he may reject you. But at least you tried.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12611" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T16:26:50.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10295" CreationDate="2018-02-08T16:28:24.847" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Can I ask if you've been trying to break up for a time now? Because your description of your relationship makes it sound like she can already tell it's ending. At any rate, it sounds like your relationship is no longer healthy; her insinuating that she might harm herself - even if it's hollow - if you move on is manipulative and unhealthy for both of you: for her it's reinforcing her low self esteem and an unhealthy attachment to you, and for you it's taking away your ability to choose. I'm not trying to criticize her - this is unfortunately not rare - but I do want to call attention to the fact that your relationship is no longer healthy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting until after her exams to break up, but as others have pointed out, there is not much to be gained from delaying things. More than preparing her for the break up, I think you should plan how to break up in a way that makes your feelings clear, perhaps something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I still think you're a good person and value the time we've spent together, but I believe it's time to be apart. I feel like both of us need space from each other, and I don't believe we still have the connection we used to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you can ask her if she doesn't feel the same disconnect? Because your description of the relationship makes it sound like she feels the disconnect and is somewhat in denial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T16:28:24.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10323" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3588" CreationDate="2018-02-08T16:30:38.130" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although there's already a chosen answer, I would like to throw in my two cents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/8248/how-to-build-a-friendship-with-a-private-instructor/8249#8249&quot;&gt;I'd suggest the same tecnique I suggested to a question similar to yours&lt;/a&gt;: have a light-hearted party were you invite a couple of colleagues thus legitimately enabling you to invite her too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she agrees to come, it might be a starting point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7080" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T16:30:38.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10182" CreationDate="2018-02-08T16:42:38.037" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If as you say she is using the phrase &quot;soulmate&quot; she might be trying to open up communications without actually touching on the &quot;ickyness&quot;, if you always both play the pronoun game she can always say to herself that she didn't know, but still actually be part of your life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother in law claims not to know her daughter smokes, her daughter hides the fact she smokes from her mother. She is not a stupid woman she knows her 50 year old daughter smokes but both have just agreed not to flaunt it/ not to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: &#xA;I am saying there may not actually be a conflict that needs resolving, sometimes in life it is best just to accept a small olive branch and live with it. &#xA;The chances of ever actually convincing her mum to publicly accept her chosen sexuality is about 0%. But if she is choosing to privately ignore it then, just sometimes live with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a teenager i thought the smoking solution was a terrible solution. But as I have matured i realise some battles are just not worth the effort and destruction it will cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="11738" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T16:51:43.953" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T16:51:43.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-08T17:00:07.047" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually start out with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;Hey, I'm a PhD in [&lt;em&gt;field&lt;/em&gt;] and do [&lt;em&gt;whatever&lt;/em&gt;] professionally.&#xA;  Before calling you, I've narrowed down the problem to [&lt;em&gt;something on their end&lt;/em&gt;], so that's what needs to be addressed.  If I could speak to an engineer about [&lt;em&gt;specific problem&lt;/em&gt;], that'd be great; but if we've gotta walk through the script, let's just knock it out quickly.&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they end up requiring the script, then the best way to use your expertise is to run through it quickly.  Keep the chit-chat to a minimum and just do the stuff efficiently.  If they start describing how to perform some step, you might interrupt them with, &quot;&lt;em&gt;Got it, just a sec.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, then let them know once you're ready for the next step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if tech support's via email, then you might write up a problem description for them with the data you've collected and a list of things for them to check on their end.  This can allow 'em to forward it to an engineer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1563" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T17:00:07.047" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10295" CreationDate="2018-02-08T17:17:25.167" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What we have here is a &lt;em&gt;self fulfilling prophecy&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend does this all the time. It can be tiring but she has a group of friends who support and call her out on it. However, she's self aware about her anxiety about her relationship and get boyfriend is willing to work with her through these issues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're not prepared or able to be that support anymore. It's tiring being the only support to the issues she's having. She's creating her own self fulfilling prophecy by consistently putting herself down even when you try to prove the opposite. This can incite a sense of distrust on your end. It's difficult to be in a relationship where you have to constantly prove yourself to the other person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There's little preparation for a break up.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, you can't control her actions or emotions after and using suicide as a threat is a red flag and emotional manipulation. When you approach the break up, I would actually sit her down about these other anxiety and self harming issues. These are too great for you to handle alone and you're not obligated to which is part of the reason you want to break up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...&lt;em&gt;after all she has me&lt;/em&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a terrible excuse and horrible emotional manipulation on her part whether she's aware or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is using you to support her self esteem but that has to come from herself. She can't use you to make herself feel better and it's clearly not working anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you want to avoid hurting her feelings but her anxiety and low self esteem issues are heightened. Regardless of the other changes in you and your life, she's going to suspect and be paranoid that it's her. &lt;strong&gt;And it is.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;If you care about her then you should give the honest truth so that she can move forward with seeking help.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The truth may hurt but it's what she needs.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bluntly put:&lt;/strong&gt; Alice, I've cared for you a lot over the years. I've tried to support you with your self esteem and anxiety. You've become dependant on me for confidence and it's taking it's toll on me. You contradict my genuine affections for you which makes me feel like you don't trust me. I understand you have your anxiety about this but it's affecting me too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would even bring up the self fulfilling prophecy. She's anxious about something that wasn't true and created barriers in your relationship to grow in love and honesty. She created her own sense of distrust by not trusting your genuine feelings for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she won't seek help after your break up but I'll tell you now that if you don't offer honesty, she'll repeat the same prophecy over and over wondering if it's her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: The speech above is not intended as the only thing to say to Alice. The OP mentioned wanting to talk about his personal reasons which is more than fine. However, as someone with anxiety, I can only predict and assume that Alice will still automatically bring up the OPs earlier points.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;However, she irrationally fears it: despite me trying to push her to be more self-confident, she's always told me about being not enough for me, and that I shall leave her...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The OP doesn't have to bring that up as part of the reason but Alice is going to come up with even wilder and untrue reasons for being dumped. @sphennings is correct that a break up is not a negotiation but since the OP expressed concern and a wish to be a support after the fact, it would be more productive to tell her that she's creating her own issues. Anyone with anxiety and low self esteem doesn't want to feel this way. I know this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="11298" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T19:50:50.460" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T19:50:50.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10327" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10329" CreationDate="2018-02-08T17:56:41.927" Score="14" ViewCount="1384" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a small number of close family members, and all of them (apart from my siblings) are socially conservative (ranging from quite socially conservative, to very socially conservative).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About half of these close family members also belong to a sect of Christianity that is quite conservative and literal in their interpretation of the bible when compared to mainstream religion (I'm happy to share which sect if it's deemed relevant to the question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was raised in said religion but left a few years back; it was difficult at the time, but it's generally accepted at the moment, with the caveat that it's a subject none of us bring up at risk of painful arguments ensuing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, I have a great relationship with almost all of my family, especially my parents and grandparents, and none of them (apart from my siblings) know, or even seem to suspect, that I'm gay. I'm also not currently living with, or dependent on, my parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My current situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm worried that my parents (or other family members) might find out about me dating other men through word of mouth. Unfortunately, it's not as secret as it used to be, and I'm worried about one particular individual who now knows, and might decide to inform my family about this. In any case, I think they're going to start questioning my lack of a girlfriend at some point (I'm currently 24).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm starting to think that instead of continuing to hide it from my family, the best approach might be to tell my parents, and other family members, about it first. Rather than them hear about it through someone else before me, or start asking awkward questions that I'm not well prepared to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What would be the best way to do this? Sit down and talk to them about it? Write them a letter? Tell a more distant family member (aunt) first to gauge their reaction before talking to my parents?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm really struggling to think of a good way of doing this; I'm expecting the reaction (at least initially) to be quite bad, but hopefully if I approach this in the right way I can mitigate that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12523" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T23:02:48.703" Title="How best to come out to socially conservative (and religious) family members?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10206" CreationDate="2018-02-08T18:26:00.763" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to jump in and explicitly address the less concrete part of your question. The answers here for how you tell her are spot on, and at their heart, you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;pretend you neither know nor care about your perception of her as spoiled,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;remember that you love her and are genuinely happy for her, and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;tell her as honestly as you can, focusing on your logistical issues and not her decisions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other part, though, is &quot;without making her angry/defensive.&quot; You can't control her reaction. It's neither feasible for you nor fair for her. If she takes those feelings out on you, you can say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry we can't manage the trip. I don't want to be talked to like that, so let's talk about it another time. I want to be able to share your happiness, not argue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope the conversation goes better than you fear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9909" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T19:16:07.753" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T19:16:07.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10327" CreationDate="2018-02-08T19:22:35.433" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if there's a &lt;em&gt;&quot;good way&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, but there are some pitfalls to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to avoid coming out at large family gatherings.  &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Grandma's birthday etc. are generally bad times. It may seem convenient because they're all in the same place, but it can add the animosity of &quot;ruining&quot; the occasion.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try not to get sidetracked into theological debate.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's about your relationship with your family, challenging their belief system isn't going to help with that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Probably better to introduce your partner at another time.  &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's natural to want your partner there for support, but coming out with them there adds stress to an already stressful situation. You end up asking your family to accept your sexuality and this new person at the same time.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you opt to tell family members one on one, don't be surprised if someone let's the cat out of the bag. &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I decided it was better to come out slowly, telling one or two people at a time, unfortunately news travels fast, so be prepared for that if you go that way.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try not to tell people in an environment that you can't easily extract your self from. &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you don't have your own transport, make sure that you can quickly and easily make an exit if need be.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt; &#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like I said above, there probably isn't a good way to come out to potentially phobic people. All you can really do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people surprised me when I came out and were much more accepting than I expected, while some others surprised me with the opposite reaction. Try to be prepared for people to react poorly, some people will, and there's not much you can do about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you encounter strong negative reactions, try not to argue or fight back. Just take a deep breath, and take your leave until things calm down. Often the worst reaction will be the initial reaction, and people often come around after they've had some time to think things through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I'm probably painting a pretty bleak picture, but trust me, it's still worth it. It feels really good to be out once the dust settles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T16:38:36.950" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T16:38:36.950" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10332" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10336" CreationDate="2018-02-08T21:51:07.543" Score="7" ViewCount="634" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who's going through a very rough time, including a breakup.  I don't speak to her very frequently, and we live nine hours apart - but she posts regular updates on her life on social media.  I leave comments when she does, but  I want to reach out to her beyond that and express sympathy and support - but don't really have an entire conversation planned out, just some form of, &quot;hey, I'm here, and I support and care for you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I say anything like that, I'm worried that I'll come off as creepy, or as someone who's trying to manipulate the situation to gain a romantic or sexual foothold...and that my attempt to help lift her spirits will in fact sink them further.  &lt;strong&gt;How could I best express this support?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Background information:&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;We met at a LARP that was halfway between where we both live.  We were never super super close, but talked a lot more in the months following than we have since.  I routinely comment on her status updated about her life, and we've talked over DM about some pretty intimate things here and there, but in very few, very brief spurts.  She has a history of attracting predators, so I'm extra worried about coming off as one.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastEditorUserId="8693" LastEditDate="2018-02-08T22:15:01.267" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T22:33:06.000" Title="How to express emotional support from out of the blue without sounding creepy?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10333" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10341" CreationDate="2018-02-08T21:57:44.950" Score="5" ViewCount="1540" Body="&lt;p&gt;One time, we had a short-mid-term guest. One of their habits is scooping food from jars and other containers with a spoon that just came from their mouth - peanut butter, Nutella, mayonnaise, everything. We let them cook because they were enthusiastic about sharing their recipes. At dinner, they served from the main dish using their utensils that came right out of their mouth, and used them to put food on our plates. I know they meant well, but we consider that practice unsanitary. They were Russian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were other situations with other people, and in them, I/we requested them not to do what they did because we believe they were unsanitary practices. The answer was always &quot;it's our culture&quot; and at times, they got offended and said we were too rigid or &quot;we don't know how to get along with people&quot;. It seems like the only answer is to not invite or hire them next time, but you never know. How do we tactfully tell people that what they're doing is unsanitary without infringing on their culture?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't only want to know how to tactfully say it, but, yes, I want to let them know that their practice in our locale is unacceptable and that they should change their behavior while they're around, especially in my house. I am an American from New England, if that has any significance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12615" LastEditorUserId="12615" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T21:26:19.367" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T21:26:19.367" Title="How do I tell someone that a cultural practice is unsanitary and they should stop?" Tags="&lt;eating&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10332" CreationDate="2018-02-08T22:19:33.750" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could start with a lighter, more general, inquiry. Like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, how are you holding up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or even a more specific inquiry like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Saw your post about the breakup, you ok?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they respond well, it leaves an opening for something a little more meaningfully supportive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Hey, how are you holding up?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: It's been a little rough, but I'll be ok.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Well, if you need to talk, I'm always here.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a rough example, but sometimes a soft opening works a little better than jumping straight into a more intimate &quot;let's talk about our feelings&quot; sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T22:19:33.750" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10295" CreationDate="2018-02-08T22:31:30.780" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think trying to &quot;prepare&quot; her is a good idea at all. She'll realize right away that something is wrong, and then you'll just be stringing her along, and leaving her to imagine all sorts of possible scenarios without knowing what's actually going on. No one wants to go through that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest waiting until after her exams, and then just tell her. Definitely make it clear that you still care about her and want to support her through this - that's good of you to want to do that - but be firm about your decision. One thing that might be helpful to tell her is that you're simply not the right guy for her and she's known that all along on some level, and that's part of what has made her anxious. She might need counseling to help her through this, and help with general self esteem issues, but she should be free to find someone she's less fearful of losing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, it is never easy to do these things but it's much better than letting it drag out, once you're sure of your decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12622" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T22:31:30.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10336" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10332" CreationDate="2018-02-08T22:33:06.000" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone is in a vulnerable position and you're worried that they may misconstrue your intentions, I find that the best way to reach out is to focus on them and convey your concern for them &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; any expressions that show an expectation for them to reach out to you. They may be getting many such offers and they shouldn't feel like they're being pressured to respond to them... and you shouldn't expect a response, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently sent such a message to someone (though our relationship was not the same) and I found that I was really happy with the following format, which I came to after reading a few sites about writing sympathy notes (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.ldsliving.com/What-and-What-Not-to-Say-to-the-Recently-Divorced/s/66717&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;like this one for divorce/separation&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in your case, you could formulate your contact something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi {friend},&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I saw your post on {social media} about {describe rough times}.  I hope you've been able to find solace in your friends and family and that you're doing OK. You're a wonderful person and I hope you'll be back to LARPing soon.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Best Wishes,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  TheTinyMan&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This relates to the article above in a few points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Item 1 - Do say: “I’m sorry to hear about your divorce,” or some other simple, sincere expression of sympathy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Item 3 - Do say: “I hope you are both doing okay.” (I've focused on her since there are more concerns rather than the breakup)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Item 4 - Do say: “You are a great person with a lot to offer.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other &quot;do this&quot; items on the list you can add if you feel comfortable with them but several of them may be interpreted in a way that might trigger some concerns for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifically saying &lt;em&gt;where&lt;/em&gt; you got the information will make her aware of how you've found out about her situation, and should hopefully belay any negative responses, particularly as you've also commented on them there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like to include something to look forward to that you think she'll react positively to - in this case, the LARPing... you may have better ideas about what that could be instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; I don't normally link to LDS content but this seemed to have decent advice (though I'm not a fan of point #7 because I don't think that's ever appropriate).&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T22:33:06.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10337" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-08T22:39:12.567" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that gets me somewhere on time is scheduling something simple near/at the event location and just prior to the event.  Even if I'm late for the earlier event, I'll be on time to the main one and nearby enough for travel time to not matter.  This reliably works for me, and greatly improves the accuracy of my ETAs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you could also just say it in the words you used in the description: &quot;You've always been late and you'll probably always be late. We're used to it.  [If you] just admit that you're late we can plan around it.&quot;  It should at least move the dialog forward, which it's done for me and my friends in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2318" LastEditorUserId="2318" LastEditDate="2019-03-04T20:30:01.153" LastActivityDate="2019-03-04T20:30:01.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-08T23:53:22.570" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Feel free to hint, brag, or both! The best CS reps should easily take a hint from clear language and a signature like &lt;code&gt;John Appleseed, JavaScript/Ruby Developer&lt;/code&gt;, but any will catch on with a simple line like &quot;&lt;em&gt;I know what I'm doing, so I'd appreciate an extra-technical explanation!&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider that many customers are rude or arrogant, so you can safely brag a little and still come off as comparatively wonderful! Help them help you with that short brag and they'll only be appreciative. And remember: &lt;strong&gt;be nice&lt;/strong&gt; and it's ok to lose the modesty for a sentence or two!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: I'm a CS rep at a tech company, and I appreciate it when savvy customers clue me into it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12626" LastActivityDate="2018-02-08T23:53:22.570" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10339" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10340" CreationDate="2018-02-09T00:11:56.080" Score="9" ViewCount="1594" Body="&lt;p&gt;I met a girl through a mutual friend about a year ago. Because of circumstances, we see each other every so often. She occasionally asks to do things together. I usually say I'm busy but sometimes I feel like it would be rude to say no. (For instance, after my birthday, she asked me over for a &amp;quot;birthday dinner&amp;quot; since she felt bad she didn't get to see me on the actual day. I wasn't sure how to say no to that.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, I find her negative and toxic. Her humor consists of making conflict and &amp;quot;roasting&amp;quot; people, which doesn't sit well with me. I often just don't like being around her. I'm always friendly with her when we're together though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I happen to know she suffers from depression and has a history of people leaving her. I'm sure it's too late to not hurt her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell her I don't want to be friends while minimizing hurt feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12625" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T03:27:44.183" Title="How do I tell someone that I don't want to be friends?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10339" CreationDate="2018-02-09T01:52:02.140" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, &lt;em&gt;telling&lt;/em&gt; this person that you don't want to be friends is a way to clearly make your desires known, but may be a bit of a heavy-handed approach. To minimize conflict and emotional impact, &lt;em&gt;show&lt;/em&gt; that you have no interest in being more than acquaintances with your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't sound as though you have any serious interaction or ties with this person. You will continue to see them from time to time, through your mutual friend or otherwise. Within those interactions, you can be politely distant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Outside of these moments, minimize interaction. Decline offers or invites to spend time with them. When declining these offers there's no need to elaborate:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Hi Brantly, would you like to come to this event with me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: No, thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If pressed for explanation, give non-answers/evasive answers&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Why not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &amp;quot;I don't think I would enjoy [$activity]&amp;quot;/ &amp;quot;I have other plans/work to catch up on&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid giving justification or indicating you are interested in spending time with this person in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If/when this person contacts you via social media/texting/messaging channels, don't respond immediately, don't ask questions or extend/expand conversations (this applies to in person one on one conversations as well).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships between people, including friendships, require effort to maintain. Unless this person has a specific desire to develop a friendship with you and is extremely persistent about it, your lack of effort or response will discourage this person from putting effort in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this may seem like the opposite of an interpersonal skill, this strategy has served me well as a conflict and tears free method of keeping people with whom I am uninterested in developing a friendship with at a distance. Maintaining a consistent apathy/distance is the key, fluctuating between warm and friendly and this sort of attitude will extend the situation and lend this person false hope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T18:33:57.783" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10333" CreationDate="2018-02-09T02:10:11.067" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;In all three cases, you have to find a balance between how much you are willing to offend them, and how much you care about your own health. I'll start with the easiest one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We once hired a cleaning lady from a different country. She took the sponge from our sink and used it to clean the toilet, and put it back. Now she used that same sponge to do the dishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, you hire someone to do some work according to your specifications. If you hire them to make your place cleaner, the job description does not include sampling bacterial growth from the toilet and spreading it on your tableware. Anyone doing that in a restaurant would get fired immediately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, easy case: someone who is hired to clean should understand cleanliness. This employee doesn't have the skills required to do the job. If they consider it normal to clean the toilets and the kitchenware with the same sponge while you watch, just imagine what they do when you don't watch. Just fire them. No need for subtle interpersonal skills in this case, since you're the one paying!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At the self-serve line at the cafeteria, we had a group from another country visit. One girl took the serving spoon, put it in her mouth to taste it, and then put it back on the dish. This must be something they do all the time in that country and they think it's alright.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, I suppose you care more about the person, so you'll have to be a bit more tactful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is unsanitary, but you seemed to have trouble convincing her. I suggest using a different angle and getting offended yourself (fake it if you must). The idea is to convince her that it is rude, which should be a lot easier than convincing her that it is unsanitary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If (as you imply) she  recently arrived in the country, learning the ways of the locals is part of adjusting to a new culture, so gently telling her that something is considered rude here is a normal part of this process. It does not require her to adjust her own views and prejudices. Much easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could mention that sucking on the spoon and putting it back in the dish is rude here. If she wonders why, tell her it's like spitting in the dish... which she kinda did, indirectly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is similar to good old Gordon's method, which is based on rephrasing stuff like &quot;You're annoying!&quot; into &quot;I don't like it when you do this.&quot; The latter has a much higher chance of success for obvious reasons: there is no accusation, and it leverages her will to be nice to you. It has the drawback of only working on people who actually care about not annoying you though, but this should be the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, pick your food from another dish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At dinner, they served from the main dish using their utensils that came right out of their mouth, and used them to put food on our plates. I know they meant well, but we consider that practice unsanitary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't &quot;consider&quot; that practice unsanitary. It is objectively unsanitary. According to WHO, 67% of world population carries herpes HSV-1. I don't, and I like it that way. The stat is high enough that if you make it a habit to share utensils/glasses at parties, then you will be part of the 67%. It is quite inconvenient. Not to mention EBV, CMV, Hepatitis, Strep, etc... and the common cold.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it is flu season. It isn't germ-phobic or silly to avoid contamination and inconvenince by using simple common sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The answer was always &quot;it's our culture&quot; and at times, they got offended and said we were too rigid or &quot;we don't know how to get along with people&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where things get uneasy. Their retort is a simple and common shaming tactic which aims to shift the blame on you. You don't know how to get along with people! It is an attempt to make you conform to their own culture. However, this happens at your place: your house, your rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to reply depends on how rude you are willing to be. If you never invite them again after this (as you suggest), think about it: it is actually pretty rude, and in a sneaky way. If their cooking tastes great, and they are fun to be with, it's a bit of a bummer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most polite thing to do would be the same as the previous one: tell them it makes you uneasy, and you will have trouble enjoying the food. Since it is the flu season, you can even insist that the news repeats every day that we should be extra careful about contamination! Or you can agree &amp;amp; amplify their shaming tactic and pretend you are indeed a bit phobic of germs and they should respect your quirks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, really, licking the spoon and putting it back in the dish is like spitting in the soup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An important thing is not to fall into the shaming tactic: when they say you &quot;don't know how to get along with people&quot; just laugh it off. And if they say it's part of their culture, this is just a lame excuse: just pretend you didn't hear it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can rub it in by microwaving your plate to sterilize it ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally though, if they still don't get it after the gentle and diplomatic attempt, I would simply escalate to stage two:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm French: we have weaponized cheese.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T02:17:50.550" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T02:17:50.550" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10342" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10357" CreationDate="2018-02-09T03:20:23.453" Score="10" ViewCount="3491" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have a neighbour about a minute walk from our place. Our kids go to the same school/kindergarten, so we are looking forward to a very long relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that she is extremely nosy and honestly I'm not sure how to deal with that. She shows up uninvited, plus ringing the bell is usually followed by opening our front door within a second.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our oldest son is 7, sometimes he comes back from school before any adult. He doesn't have a key yet, so he's told to just wait those few minutes playing in the yard. Or in the winter, we do actually let the basement door open so he won't freeze outside, since it's a very safe neighborhood. (Getting to the basement is rather troublesome, since he needs to go through our parking lot to get behind the house, so anyone else but close family would raise suspicions.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About a week ago our son entered the house through the basement, but soon went to a friend's place, locking the basement, but leaving the front door unlocked instead. Shortly after, the neighbor in question apparently showed up at our house, and actually entered it through the unlocked front door. She realized nobody's home, so she did contact my wife about it, asking what to do with the unlocked door. My wife explicitly told her to leave it like that since she would be home in an instant. Instead, she entered the house, closed the front door from the inside and exited the house through our basement. Again, against our specific instruction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as I found out about this incident I was going to go to talk to her, but my wife is the more diplomatic one in our family. Plus an important factor is that this is all happening in Japan and I'm the only non-Japanese involved in this situation. The Japanese way of dealing with things is to avoid confrontation as much as possible, so my wife is keeping a distance at the moment, without actually talking with her about the incident. But I believe that if we don't specifically tell her that even if good intentions, what she did is just not right (=confrontation in Japanese culture), next time she'll do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is, how can we let her know that what she did is unacceptable, she can't just behave like family? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE:&#xA;I'm perfectly aware of the fact that cultural differences are a big factor in this case, but I believe this goes beyond it. I did let my wife handle the situation, but my issue is that since she's so against confrontations we will end up failing at letting the neighbor know that what she did was just wrong. Culture put aside, all Japanese friends I consulted with agree that she went over the line. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for an update, she invited the kids over for an afternoon just the day I wrote this post. My wife was not comfortable with the idea, luckily the kids weren't too enthusiastic either, so my wife came up with an innocent excuse. However, the 4 year olds have been talking at the kindergarten and our son told their son what the real reason is: &quot;you and your mom entered the house so parents are pissed&quot;. I believe the message was escalated all the way to the mother, since we had about 24 hours of silence from her part. However, after the 24 hours things went back to normal from her part. My wife is still partly ignoring her, but can't really approach the subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly believe that if we solve this in the Japanese way, nothing will be said or discussed about the incident, thus everyone will have its own interpretation of things. That is not good, the lines that can not be crossed will not be clear and this situation will definitely lead to other unpleasant events. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The follow up question is: how to deal with this situation, because doing it the Japanese way will not solve anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12628" LastEditorUserId="12628" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T04:12:22.687" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T04:55:01.020" Title="How to establish boundaries with a neighbour who breaches basic privacy?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;japan&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10295" CreationDate="2018-02-09T04:27:51.587" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way for her to heal would be to minimize time with you. Hanging out together will possibly make her hope that there might be opportunity to get back together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But she shouldn't be alone - so, one way you can help her is that &lt;strong&gt;after&lt;/strong&gt; breaking off the relationship you call some of her friends, tell them what happened and ask them to be supportive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can become friends later, after she emotionally heals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not attempt to &quot;prepare&quot; her. Choose a moment and make a clean cut.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was 19, my boyfriend at the time disappeared for 3 days, and didn't answer my phone calls. When we finally talked, he ended the relationship. The worst part was being in the dark for 3 days. You can't start healing until you know it's over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edited to add:&#xA;I re-read your question, and I want to say that your relationship seems to be &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; unhealthy. Your girlfriend is not ready for a relationship, and she should be in therapy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the exams are close, it's probably kind to wait until after the exam, but any other prolonging is bad for both of you. You are obviously unhappy, so  it's clear why it's bad for you. But she's not really happy either. If she's continuously anxious and insecure -- that can't be fun. By staying in this relationship, you are enabling her. She needs to start working on her issues. She needs to learn how to be a person that can be in a functional happy relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And everyone else reading this:&#xA;If someone says &quot;you will leave me&quot; and you say: &quot;no I won't&quot; -- and then they want to repeat that conversation more than once? End it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone says: &quot;I love you so much I can't live without you&quot; -- that's not romantic. It's a suicide threat and emotional blackmail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12572" LastEditorUserId="12572" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T04:40:10.463" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T04:40:10.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10345" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10346" CreationDate="2018-02-09T04:28:24.280" Score="6" ViewCount="422" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 16 years old and I have 5 siblings. First off, that's plenty right there. Second, they're all younger than me. When I come home from school, they are often  very loud and I generally have quite a bit of homework and I can't focus when they are around, yelling, screaming, fighting, perhaps even playing nicely, just too loudly. They tend to just create general havoc. My dad isn't home till evening and my mom is often either gone or unable to deal with all of them at once and if she is focusing on one kid, others will make up for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should be my course of action to get them quiet or study without hearing them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their ages is between 4 to 15 if it is required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8785" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T05:26:44.080" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T05:26:44.080" Title="How to deal with distracting siblings?" Tags="&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-08-23T05:26:52.587" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10345" CreationDate="2018-02-09T04:37:53.430" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Siblings that age -- especially the teenagers -- are probably not going to listen to you.  They won't see you as an authority figure (you're only a year older than the oldest one), but unless they're &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; thoughtful and perceptive, asking them to stop so you can focus on your homework is unlikely to produce long-term results.  Been there, done that (my sister is two years younger than I am).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, talk with your &lt;em&gt;parents&lt;/em&gt; -- not in the midst of the stress, but at a calmer time, maybe on a weekend.  Maybe talk with your father, if your mother is stressed by dealing with five kids.  In the conversation, focus on your &lt;em&gt;actual problem&lt;/em&gt; -- you need a quieter environment to do your homework (which you take seriously!) -- rather than a &lt;em&gt;specific solution&lt;/em&gt; (like changing their behavior).  Perhaps the solution is for you to go somewhere else after school to do your homework instead of going straight home.  If you have a local library, that would be a good option to suggest.  You want to show your parents that you're not just dumping a problem in their laps, you're mature enough to focus on the problem instead of getting upset at the sibs, and you're willing to do some of the work to solve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T04:37:53.430" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10349" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10351" CreationDate="2018-02-09T07:02:17.283" Score="1" ViewCount="1929" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A bit of backstory:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I had a 7 1/2 year long relationship, and my former girlfriend cheated on me. &#xA;In my relationship I had contact with other girls, no romantic contact in any way, but I had fun talking to them. By the way that's absolutley not the reason why she cheated on me. We both were cool when the other talked to someone (as it seems i was too cool with it...). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3 weeks ago:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I broke up with my girlfriend after I found out she cheated on me...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1 week ago:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I was out and met a girl I knew from my sports club. Well... we had some fun and now we chat with each other and want to meet up next week. She explicitly told me that she likes me a lot and definitly wants to be with me (if I also want, what I do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to buy her flowers (a small bouquet) for Valentine's day. I don't know if it's appropriate. She may think of me as a bit cheesy or needy. So:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What would be a nice way to offer her some flowers without looking weird?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To my person:&#xA;I'm a 24 year old male. &#xA;I only had one relationship until now (the 7 1/2 year long one)&#xA;I do not, under any circumstances want to get back together with my ex. She hurt me a lot with what she did..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12630" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T08:42:16.603" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T11:07:47.500" Title="Nice way to offer flowers for a girl I &quot;just&quot; met?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-02-09T12:22:29.673" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10349" CreationDate="2018-02-09T07:36:53.440" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given the backstory, I think she'd like the gesture - and the flowers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of guys do tend proffer gifts too early thinking that it will curry favour with a girl and that can backfire. Confidence and personality will build ten times more attraction than any gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you've already built some rapport with this girl, she likes you &amp;amp; there is a specific occasion here, flowers would be appropriate and I'm sure that she would be pleased. Just don't get something really expensive or that carries a heavy message. So avoid a dozen roses for now (maybe next year) or any other expensive arrangement. Get her a nice but simple and relatively inexpensive arrangement. A &lt;em&gt;single&lt;/em&gt; long stemmed rose would be great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to make a gesture that she will appreciate. Not go over the top or fawn. Keep it simple and she should be impressed. Then spend some quality time with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T11:07:47.500" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T11:07:47.500" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10352" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10360" CreationDate="2018-02-09T08:04:00.287" Score="5" ViewCount="1000" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question comes from my wife Alice (her English is even worse than mine).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the middle of the day, my wife (&amp;quot;Alice&amp;quot;) goes for a walk in the park with our 2 months old son, and a dog.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are other dogs and children in this park; they are not a problem. But there are also elder people (around 70 years old), and many of them are feeling lonely and need a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the problem is that they act a bit awkward: saying such things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;let me play with your dog&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;your baby may be cold/exposed to sun/whatever&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer to both is &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt;&amp;quot;, which seems to be a not very polite way to end a dialogue, and there's really nothing to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can Alice prevent this before it starts, or answer, so that no one feels offended?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12120" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T14:35:16.743" Title="Stop and prevent unwanted conversation with a stranger" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;russia&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10352" CreationDate="2018-02-09T08:28:23.520" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Please note that this is an answer from a Dutch point of view. We Dutch people can be relatively blunt. For us, blunt is good. It's clear what a person's intentions are.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Prevention:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Just keep walking, don't make eye contact. Usually it takes some kind of contact like that for someone to start interacting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There are plenty of options to quickly end an interaction, should the &lt;em&gt;&quot;ignore and keep walking&quot;&lt;/em&gt; have failed. Just say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Please excuse me, I need to get going.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;&quot;Please don't pet my dog, he's not used to strangers.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a comment about your child's clothes / whatever: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Thank you.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, and keep walking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not acceptable to force one self on a dog / child like that. Those people need to respect a person's boundaries. If the only response they get is a &lt;em&gt;&quot;Yea, no, maybe not, well okay&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, they may not get the message that interaction isn't always desirable or welcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12177" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T08:28:23.520" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10352" CreationDate="2018-02-09T08:53:02.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;My answer comes from an Indian point of view, but this should be equally effective.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, if you want to prevent a conversation from even being started, try pretending that you are busy and don't want to be disturbed. Avoiding eye contact is also a key here. Because an eye contact may make them feel welcomed to have a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they try to say &quot;your baby may be cold/exposed to sun/whatever&quot;, reply like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you. I will take care of him/her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or when they try to pet your dog, reply like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It doesn't answer to strangers, so you can't pet him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and move from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't feel like leaving simultaneously, say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look. I gotta get going. I have some urgent work to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the conversation has already started and you want to end it, reply something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It was nice talking to you, but since I am already having a bad day, I'd need my own space. Thank you and have a nice day!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may need to be more direct and firm if they still want to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T08:53:02.750" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10049" CreationDate="2018-02-09T09:13:07.653" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have a talk with her about it, if this is the first time your trust has been broken by said person, then an open talk about how you feel about her actions will help get both of you on the same page. Share your honest feelings about what transpired and see how she takes it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she agrees not to do it again, then let it go and hope for the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if she fights and insists that she is correct, then i think i can safely say that you should not confide in this friend again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the damage done to the exposing of your secret, there is no way for words to be taken back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T09:13:07.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10342" CreationDate="2018-02-09T11:26:41.030" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The cultural differences in your question are a huge influencing factor on any potential solution. It is difficult to tackle a problem interpersonally without any confrontation which you say is contrary to the culture of where you live, but it is not impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to understand Japanese culture very well - and no surprise, you live there and evidently speak the language so you must have done your research. Your neighbour on the other hand may not understand yours as well. Some will argue this isn't very 'interpersonal' but I agree in this case you may be best to avoid confrontation as your neighbour will not expect it and could take it personally. However you can still 'communicate' your stand 'non-verbally'. Can you be more vigilant about locking the door - both while you are IN the house and those times when it is going to be briefly unattended? Can you get different &lt;em&gt;types&lt;/em&gt; of locks that would prevent it from being opened from the outside at any time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See, while this may not seem an interpersonal solution you are effectively communicating your personal choices on privacy and security. The term 'an open door' is even used as a metaphor in English for a permanently open invitation to visit. If you start controlling the access to your property better, this &quot;establishes boundaries&quot; as your question asks and your nosy neighbour will likely 'get the message'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you think about it - we do accept other cultures when they are placed in front of us. When you visit another country, or even a restaurant with foreign cuisine in your own country, you see different ways of doing things and think &quot;that's just how they do things in that country&quot;. If on the other hand someone tried to verbally instruct you how to behave in their culture you might take that very differently, perhaps as a complaint. You are not Japanese, so if you do things differently I believe your neighbour will just accept that, whereas right now you are doing what everybody else around you does and you are having to deal with the culture clash as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T11:26:41.030" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10360" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10352" CreationDate="2018-02-09T14:35:16.743" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Romanian perspective, as I feel we are culturally &lt;em&gt;closer&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had quite a handful of unsolicited advice regarding my son when he was a baby. My first advice would be not to be afraid to offend people, especially when they've already offended you by implying you are not taking proper care of your child. They do believe they're providing valuable help, but they are not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My second advice would be to also learn to live with it a little bit. With a new baby you are tired and you are stressed and you don't need unnecessary external factors to bother you, so don't let it bother you so much. They come, they talk, they leave. You would just need to establish some boundaries: no touching of the child, no touching of the dog. If that happens, explain frankly why they shouldn't do it: such as you do not want your child to come in contact to germs at such an early age and the dog has a nasty habit of biting strangers. If they argue or do not comply, interrupt the interaction immediately and go on with your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last piece of advice would be not be concerned with what people think. If a certain limit has been crossed, get up and move to somewhere else or simply ignore or do not respond. I've had to do that once with an old lady who was quite upset that I had my son's toy strapped to my backpack and it could be so easily stolen. She thought I was being irresponsible. I thought she should really mind her own business. We would have not come to any agreement had the conversation continued, so I left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12460" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T14:35:16.743" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10362" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10363" CreationDate="2018-02-09T14:42:31.413" Score="19" ViewCount="7288" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I've been reconnecting with an old friend from university and we've met up a few times in public locations for coffee etc. We've been getting along really well but I've noticed one aspect of his behaviour that comes across as very odd. Whenever he sits on a chair to eat/drink, he props himself up so that his feet are also on the edge of the chair and he picks at food rather than eating it &quot;normally&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People around us have noticed and I've seen some people pointing and quietly laughing. One of my other friends even asked me why he &quot;sits and eats like a monkey&quot;. Like me, he is on the autistic spectrum and can be a bit socially &quot;blind&quot; so I'm not convinced he even noticed. Nevertheless, I think this is something I want to bring up with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is how best to approach the topic. No one likes to be told that their behaviour is weird but I think it's better that he be made aware from someone meaning well than being made fun of. He was bullied at university due to some of his other behaviours (most of which he has been able to correct or subdue) which really harmed his self-esteem and caused him to withdraw, another reason I want to approach this carefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My intent more than anything is to make him aware of his behaviour. If he already is and the potentially negative attention doesn't bother him I'm not going to push it further. I just want to give him the chance to correct his own behaviour if he is unaware. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9711" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T07:33:53.163" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T07:33:53.163" Title="How do I tell my friend that his behaviour is odd?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10363" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10362" CreationDate="2018-02-09T15:08:31.827" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact that you are both on the autism spectrum can work in your favor bringing this up because you can share a common point of view.  You might ask him a more general starting question like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that we have both had to endure strange looks or bullying because of some of our behaviors.  I would hope that if you noticed something I was doing that might seem different to others that you would tell me.  I'd rather know about it than have people making fun of me behind my back - would you do that for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea here is to not put yourself above him and say that you have all the answers and he needs to be more like you - it's to share in an agreement that you will help each other because while your behaviours may be different you both share something and you need to stick together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be enough of a conversation starter to provide an opening to discuss what he does when he is eating, but if it doesn't, then you can transition to something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you want me to tell you if I noticed something you were doing that may strike others as being odd?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have gotten a positive response - the entire conversation may take place over a few different meetings depending on how open he is - then you can break the news to him in a way that shows you are truly trying to be his friend and both understand him and help him change something that would invite criticism.  When he is open and ready I'd say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've noticed that when you eat you often pull your feet up on the chair.  Are you doing that for comfort?  Does it help you relax?  I understand if it does (offer an example of what you do that helps you be comfortable).  In public, though, it comes across as being a little strange.  Most people don't do that and I've noticed people reacting to it.  I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but just make you aware that people notice it and may think it's a little weird.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main goal is to establish a shared trust - i.e. we both have to deal with stuff that most people do not and we need to look out for each other. One way to do this is to point out when we are doing things other people might not understand.  It's no different than the courtesy of telling someone their fly is down or they have spinach in their teeth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6236" LastEditorUserId="6236" LastEditDate="2018-02-10T16:33:25.897" LastActivityDate="2018-02-10T16:33:25.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10362" CreationDate="2018-02-09T15:38:22.657" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's an old friend from university, and you're noticing a new behavior, asking about it seems pretty reasonable. Just try to separate the judgement from the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you're eating with him, and you see him perched on his chair, try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've noticed that you sit differently than you used to when you're eating. What's up with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that if you're just asking a simple question, you'll get a simple answer. But be prepared for an answer that may not make much sense to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a roommate who would perch when we were waiting in lines for concerts or just smoking cigarettes on the porch. His reasoning was a mix of stretching, keeping his pants clean, and personal comfort. Basically he had, what was for him, a resting position that allowed him to sit pretty much anywhere without his pants touching the ground or surface he was &lt;em&gt;sitting&lt;/em&gt; on. Obviously this looked a little strange, because he was a rather tall guy who could fold his knees into his chest and comfortably rest that way with his butt sorta sitting on his heals. Looked painful to most people, but it worked for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never bothered asking him to stop, he seemed aware that people thought it odd, he just didn't really care. That's how I would approach your situation. Ask why he's doing it, check for social awareness, and then leave it be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being aspie myself, I'm aware of my quirks, and I'm mostly aware of the ones that people find off putting, or humorous. Some things I adjust for, and some things I choose to ignore. My most off putting one is probably stimming with my piercings, freaks some people right out, but it's intensely satisfying for me. Sometimes I opt not to spin my lip-ring where people can see it, and sometimes I just say &lt;em&gt;&quot;screw 'em&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and make myself happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T15:38:22.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10365" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10206" CreationDate="2018-02-09T17:47:46.687" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A complement to the good answers already here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't put this off.&lt;/strong&gt; You really, really want to have this conversation sooner rather than later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're still choosing the place. If enough of their close friends and family won't make it, they might still change their minds and do a local wedding. Obviously, don't ask for it, that would be very rude. It's their prerogative to marry where they wish regardless of who can come. But it may happen if they get enough feedback, early enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're sufficiently spoiled, it might not even have &lt;em&gt;occurred&lt;/em&gt; to them yet that many guests will not be able to attend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After they signed a contract with a venue, put money down, and buy tickets for themselves, though, it's pretty much set in stone. So, timing matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it doesn't happen, it'll still be better if she has plenty of time to invite another bridesmaid, and another still if the next one also can't come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2882" LastEditorUserId="2882" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T17:55:25.447" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T17:55:25.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10362" CreationDate="2018-02-09T19:52:03.623" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple answer:  Be honest.  Say what you mean.  You're not hurting anyone by telling them the truth.  You're actually helping a person improve.  Each time you do it, you strengthen the trust between you, which is what really binds people together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do I say this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know I guess I have always been lucky with friends because we have always been open to say things without fear of  hurt feelings.  In fact, we are brutally honest with each other and will often &quot;rib&quot; on each other all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oddly enough, me an my wife have the same relationship.  We will insult, ridicule, and threaten each other but not in a mean or disparaging way.  It's always humorous.  We exploit the stereotypes of husbands and wives to our advantage.  I believe it allows us to blow off steam and prevent bottling things up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We get the message, but at the same time we are so accustomed to the delivery method that it doesn't bother us.  In fact, I view it as the most honest love.  Am I sadistic?  lol I don't know, but after 26+ years we're stronger than ever.  We were not when we were beating around the bush and holding back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of all the relationships I have observed, those that are based on humor, and allow open dialog and criticism have been the most successful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone's relationship with their friends and loved ones is handled differently.  I'm not sure if you have a relationship with your friend that is based on humor and openness.  If not, I'd recommend establishing one like that.  It's just my two cents based on my experience and observations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12560" LastEditorUserId="12560" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T20:11:11.870" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T20:11:11.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10362" CreationDate="2018-02-09T20:40:04.997" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Like me, he is on the autistic spectrum&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is key - does he know you are, and does he know he is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is aware of both then it seems simple - sounds like you'd be bothered if you were doing something &quot;weird&quot; and would like to be told, so assume/give him the credit/ he has the same self awareness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, one aut to another, that way you sit really gets comments from them, had you noticed?. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe he says &quot;Oh thanks hadn't noticed, damn its difficult to know what they are thinking right?&quot; and maybe he says &quot;So what, screw em!&quot;.  Either way you did your duty as a friend. (And he might say &quot;so what&quot; and then adjust it anyway, or he might just not.  But you did your part. for him.  He knows, its his choice now.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't know you are, maybe it's a good time to bring it up.  Again the plain approach.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I haven't said before, but I'm also... etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't know he is... not sure how to handle that one. Will leave for other answerers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that helps.  Personally I'm not on the autistic end of the spectrum but just somewhat.  If someone said &quot;I'm autistic and I notice you do this&quot; I may or may not like it, but, I would appreciate their honesty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12652" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T20:43:24.617" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T20:43:24.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10333" CreationDate="2018-02-09T21:12:57.250" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR - just go with it. If the guest is a friend, make a joke of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contrary view: Would you kiss that girl?  If you fancied her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wouldn't because of your sexual preferences, would you be disgusted - for hygiene reasons - if a friend expressed a liking and you saw them kissing her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer to either is &quot;No&quot; then I suggest you have nothing to worry about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have the same Western European culture and licking the spoon?  Euuh.  What's that about.... But if she does it because of her culture, I'd try and take it as a chance to be worldly.  We are rather hyper-hygienic these days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give other cultures credit for having different but equivalent standards.  We don't see stories &quot;100,000 x culture died this year for dirty spoons, their cooks put them in their mouths, the beasts&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to balance it with advice, &quot;however you could also mention to her, ..&quot; but I can't think of a polite way you could do that if she isn't a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're good friends just tell her, not very polite.  Make it your fault (&quot;It's my upbringing but I just can't quite feel comfortable&quot;) and if she is any sort of decent human being she will understand you mean and are helping her out, &quot;In this country, I don't do this.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conversely if you go to her culture, you will be ready to eat from the same bowl or whatever.  You'd be very offensive if you refused!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12652" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T21:12:57.250" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10371" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="177" CreationDate="2018-02-09T21:33:35.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;What you should do:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forget that you asked her to a dance, she didn't want to go, and you were hurt. Forget that. Or at least pretend that did not happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your problem is (as my Mother said) no relationship stands still, they go forward or they go backward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So ask her out, again. Someplace like a walk, ironically, or wandering a mall, or sightseeing, or someplace you need to drive awhile to reach. Ask &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; why the two of you trailed off and stopped seeing each other, and if that was your fault. Don't argue with her! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Scenarios: (1) She blames you, (2) She blames herself, (3) She doesn't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) [Blames You] Apologize as needed. Then &quot;I wanted to be more than friends, so if you feel the same, maybe you could tell me where I went wrong, so I could try again.&quot; That should get her to tell you either you are firmly in the friend zone, or you are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) [Blames Herself] &quot;I wanted to be more than friends, maybe the timing was wrong. I still feel that way, I don't know if you do. Should I try again?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) [Doesn't Know] Blame yourself. &quot;I really wanted to be more than friends, and I think I just did not know the right next move. I didn't want to make a mistake, and that turned out to be a huge mistake. What should I have done? Can I try this again?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, accept and agree with her answer, even if it is &quot;I don't really want to be more than friends.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Okay, friend, at least I understand now. I've heard this place we are going prepares an excellent crow, I'm ordering that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T21:33:35.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10239" CreationDate="2018-02-09T21:39:12.930" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am especially interested in the views of people who ... know the other side of the fence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yep, in college and just after, I had the title TS (tech support). Since then through the years I have found that all developers do CS (customer support) in some way - and the better you are at it, the better you're regarded... but that's off topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I show that I am qualified enough... without coming off [the wrong way]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Standard disclaimer that it DOES actually DEPEND: (1) on the company you're dealing with, (2) on the rep you are working with, and (3) how you are interacting with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;FIRST TIME&lt;/strong&gt; with THIS ISSUE (little or no history with the company)&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;The short answer is that your quickest solution is to do ALL of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;be nice to the rep&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;politely answer their questions &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do what they asked you to do, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;even if this means doing the same thing again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;answer briefly, then stop talking&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOTE &lt;em&gt;you &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; combine those&lt;/em&gt;:&#xA;  {1} {2} &quot;Okay, give me a moment, {3} I'm getting up to do that. {4} As I mentioned earlier, I have already cycled my router, &lt;strong&gt;but&lt;/strong&gt; {3} &lt;strong&gt;we will give it another shot.&lt;/strong&gt;  {3} I have just unplugged it again, counted to ten, and {3} plugged it back in.&quot; {5}&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you choose to say 'I already told you that' {4}  then &lt;em&gt;your tone of voice is critical&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say the above in a snarky/belittling tone the rep isn't going to want to help you.  And that does matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smile between each response - especially if you are tired or annoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first TS job there was another rep that used language (both cursing and sexist) that you would have though would get him fired - but he had some of the best customer reviews... and I'm not aware that he EVER had a complaint against him - he was ALWAYS smiling when he dealt with customers, and they all evidently took it as joking around. (I wouldn't try it... but it worked for him)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point in the previous is that &lt;em&gt;it doesn't matter&lt;/em&gt; so much exactly &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;what&lt;/strong&gt; you say.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;code&gt;Your purpose is to get the rep on your side&lt;/code&gt;, so s/he  wants to help you - &lt;strong&gt;that's when you get what you want&lt;/strong&gt;.  And, in fact, &lt;em&gt;the rep wants the same thing:&lt;/em&gt; a quick solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;REPEAT ISSUE&lt;/strong&gt; (or some history)&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;You have additional data.  Use this to your advantage!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Let's say you need logs; you can't get them yourself, but you have gotten them before:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hey this is &lt;code&gt;Bananenaffe&lt;/code&gt; again. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm having the same issue I was having in &lt;code&gt;Nov 2017&lt;/code&gt;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Could you provide me the logs &lt;strong&gt;again&lt;/strong&gt;?  They were exactly what I needed!  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I spoke with &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;whoever&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt; on &lt;code&gt;Nov &amp;lt;day and time&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;. S/he gave me the logs with ticket &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;number&amp;gt;.&lt;/code&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This demonstrates the TWO things the rep MOST wants to hear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it is not a rule violation  (&lt;strong&gt;someone else did it&lt;/strong&gt;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;there is a &lt;strong&gt;quick close&lt;/strong&gt; to this ticket.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9927" LastEditorUserId="9927" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T22:13:24.653" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T22:13:24.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10277" CreationDate="2018-02-09T21:46:04.437" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The question is tagged &quot;depression&quot;, I'm not sure if that's your tag or an edited one (a bit ignorant about how SE works, sorry).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with the answer &quot;If you see someone spiraling into a negative pattern of behavior, it's your duty as that person's friend to say something about it. Sit down with him one evening, and just give it to him straight:&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I disagree with the follow up. I'd say &quot;I think you may be depressed, and that's a clinical problem.  I want to help you sort it out.&quot;  Since, you think that is the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep the focus on &quot;This is a medical problem.  It can be fixed.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may deny it. Your aim should be &quot;Just give it a try, For me?  What can you lose?&quot;  Annoy/nag them into it if that's what it takes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately maybe or maybe not its natural to be unhappy at the state of the world from his/your POV.  If he takes the therapy and concludes it is all bad, well...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12652" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T21:46:04.437" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10374" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10339" CreationDate="2018-02-09T22:40:12.840" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try a different approach than saying you don't want to be friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, deny her the pleasure of &quot;conflict&quot; and &quot;roasting&quot; people. Consistently ask if you can talk about something else, without putting people down, that you don't like that negativity, or don't like discussing conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she argues, say you have to go, because you are uncomfortable with the argument too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't say in your post the kinds of friends you like, but have some things you DO like to do, playing games or cards, watching a movie together. Ask her what &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; she enjoys. Try to find some common ground. Train her to be a better friend!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that isn't possible, &lt;strong&gt;she&lt;/strong&gt; will dump &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; as a friend, which is what you want. If it is possible, you won't hate the time together. You obviously know her best, but it sounds to me like she is trying to be funny or bring up conflicts for something funny or interesting to talk about, and that she wants to be friends. If she really does, she will change to please you; if she does not, she will get tired of you walking out on her and stop calling you. (In which case, she rejected you, which should minimize any hurt feelings.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="4898" LastEditDate="2018-02-09T22:46:12.143" LastActivityDate="2018-02-09T22:46:12.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10377" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-09T23:10:50.953" Score="-1" ViewCount="2174" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wanted to provide evidence for a friend who recently shocked me with her views that the Elon Musk car in space was a fake. My answer to her that I trust people who specialize in the field to know better than me is 'BS' to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend believes the earth is flat. She believes NASA is fake. And now she thinks the Elon Musk Falcon Heavy launch wasn't real (well possibly the launch in the Earth's atmosphere) but the car in space was completely fake. I have asked her to provide evidence it is fake and she has asked me to provide evidence that it was real and a car can exist in space. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As weird as it may seem to hear - this friend does have an open mind.  I believe she has issues with her father who is a full-on conspiracy theorist.  She's extremely loving and a bit naive and her father has no one but her to talk about his ideas with.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I effectively approach presenting her with opposing facts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12656" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-02-10T17:37:14.193" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T14:16:31.607" Title="How to respond to a flat-earther?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-02-14T17:58:12.107" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10339" CreationDate="2018-02-10T08:38:59.137" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I tell her I don't want to be friends while minimizing hurt feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't answer her calls or reply to her messages. If she is normal, as in &quot;right in the head&quot;, she will attempt to contact you a few times, then give up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The strategy achieves the same outcome as ending a friendship, but without ending the friendship. There are two benefits of this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The action is non-committal. Suppose 6 or 12 or 24 months down the road you think to yourself &quot;Gee, I wonder how she's doing?&quot; It's far easier for you to re-initiate your friendship with her. After taking a break from her, maybe she will have changed, maybe she will be the same. Or maybe you're the one with the problem, in which case it's best to not burn your bridges.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some people find &quot;leave me alone, I don't want to be your friend&quot; positively reinforcing. In other words, rather than respecting your wishes, you will find an uptick in their attempts to contact you. I have learned this the hard way. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe this practice is called &quot;ghosting&quot;. Although it's frowned upon, I personally think it's an acceptable way to conduct yourself. You owe this person nothing. If you happen to bump into her on the street or at a party, you should stop and say hello. If she confronts you, then perhaps she wants the truth from you. I personally would give it to her: &quot;I think you're a toxic person and I wanted a break from you&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8011" LastActivityDate="2018-02-10T08:38:59.137" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10385" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10386" CreationDate="2018-02-10T17:44:32.333" Score="-3" ViewCount="752" Body="&lt;p&gt;If anyone gets upset with question, I apologize in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in USA and wish to wear headcovering when going outside or around unfamiliar people. Even at office I wish to wear headcovering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just have desire to cover my hair. More like a dupatta (below).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's unfortunate that a person who wears headcovering will be labelled bad things (you can see the news)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in metropolitan city with many immigrants and minorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Picture of dupatta&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/V65mo.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/V65mom.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;enter image description here&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12671" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-02-11T07:44:49.620" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T11:29:02.220" Title="How to Wear Headcovering In Public" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;&lt;clothing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-02-11T00:20:25.963" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10385" CreationDate="2018-02-10T18:59:34.963" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I interpret your question to be &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I deal with possibly being treated differently and/or with some hostility by American people while choosing to cover my head in public?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is not an accurate interpretation, please edit your question to clarify.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am Indian and know (though people who are not very familiar with Asian religions and culture may not be aware) that covering the head in public for religious reasons is practiced by Middle Eastern, Southern Asian, African or &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ibtihaj_Muhammad&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;American&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; women &lt;em&gt;and men&lt;/em&gt; belonging to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;at least  4 different religions&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; -- let's not go into the details, to avoid potentially argumentative discussion unrelated to your situation, but covering the head is required of believers by multiple orthodox religions for different theological reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, perceptions of head-covering in the Western world have been shaped by both &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the clash of religious ideologies and cultures between East and West, leading to the political 'war of terror' between fundamentalist fanatics and Western world governments; and&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;modern feminist discourse about the rights of women and their oppression by patriarchy, &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;for both of which head-covering is seen as a visible marker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a pervasive idea (among men and women whose religions do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; require head-covering) that this practice is imposed compulsorily on women by men, but many recent explanations by women who choose to cover their heads for religious reasons emphasise their &lt;strong&gt;free personal choice&lt;/strong&gt; due to individual religious convictions, which they claim as an unalienable part of their right to practice their religion in a free society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short it is your fundamental right in a free society to cover your head if you want to, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;even if not for religious reasons&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, except where certain governments have legislated against the practice, but you need to be aware that just as you are entitled to your religious rights, so also individual persons and communities are (sad but true) 'entitled' to their religious and cultural prejudices, which it is not possible for anyone to change in a hurry, nor advisable for you to address as a  non-native person in a Western  country [if that description of your situation is not accurate, please edit your question to clarify.] &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By choosing to do something that 'goes against the grain' of the prevailing culture and social expectations, you are choosing not to 'dissolve' into the local  culture but to practise your religion conspicuously at risk of being treated differently and/or with hostility by the majority community, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;or else to give that impression to others, if you are not doing it for religious reasons&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Whatever be your motive, it is your right but exposes you to social stress, and you know it. So you must be well prepared psychologically to deal with the backlash:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Always keep a positive (read confident) body language and an open yet neutral expression. This signals to strangers in public that your decision to cover your head is a fully voluntary personal choice and your attitude to people is still open and neutral. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Also be mentally prepared for some degree of unpleasantness and learn not to be badly affected by such incidents.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do  not engage in debate about head covering, although a friendly discussion is probably OK. If a 'friendly discussion' looks likely to become a debate, just stop the discussion yourself to avoid escalation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do not pick an argument with anybody who treats you differently or with hostility, because you should expect it. It is not useful for you to question their cultural attitudes in an argumentative manner. However, if anybody infringes any of your legitimate rights you are fully entitled to complain to the appropriate authorities.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you actually fear that you will be harmed by a random person then you might reconsider your decision to cover your head in public.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Making friends in the neighborhood and at the workplace will help you understand American cultural expectations and simultaneously allow others to get an insight into your religion and culture. Having women friends in particular tends to empower a South Asian immigrant woman by cutting across cultural differences and emphasising the commonality and solidarity of women's experiences all over the world.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In general it is good to be in tune with the social and cultural expectations of the society you are living in&lt;/strong&gt;, even as a non-native person, but would I give up being a vegetarian from birth for religious reasons, and eat meat simply to blend in? It cuts deep and creates internal  conflict, but many immigrants have compromised their religious beliefs and practices to 'purchase peace' in a new place. It avoids a great deal of unpleasantness arising from ideological differences, misunderstanding and prejudice, and allows the person to concentrate on building their life and work. However, the greatness of the USA nation and society lies in allowing every person the fullest cultural freedom provided by the law, and I am sure you will soon learn to exercise your personal or religious rights in harmony with the local community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-02-10T23:52:33.090" LastActivityDate="2018-02-10T23:52:33.090" CommentCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-10T19:20:15.790" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on real-life experience with such a person, let me propose 2 possible causes, and 2 suggestions for dealing with it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Susan may unconsciously think that leaving constitutes being on time.  For example, she is told to &quot;meet at 2:00&quot; but she instead plans to &quot;leave at 2:00.&quot;  Note that I say &quot;unconsciously&quot; because usually if you ask such a person about the travel time, they will consider it.  But that isn't what they are mentally targeting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the case, consider reminding her about travel time, even to the point of nagging.  Even go so far as to tell her &quot;...so that means you will leave at &quot; and ask for a call if she doesn't leave by then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Susan may have adult ADHD.  Does she say she is going to put on her shoes right now, then actually puts away the dishes, starts laundry, calls her mom, paints her nails, then puts on her shoes?  Susan may be so distractable that she may legitimately not be able to resist the temptation to do other things.  I know someone who has it so badly they pee themselves on the way to the bathroom, because they stop to do other things on the way.  They can be crying that they have to go sooooo badly, yet they are sitting there finishing their poker bet, or won't pause the movie they are watching.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another symptom of ADHD is poor prioritization.  Maybe the event starts at 2pm and Susan wants to surprise everyone with her famous bean dip.  At 2:00 the dip is not ready.  Susan must decide: finish the dip or arrive on time?  Most people might say &quot;Well, if the event is 2-3, and the dip won't be ready until 2:45, it is not worth bringing the dip because I will miss the event.&quot;  But Susan might not be able to make that judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If any of this sounds like the cause, consider suggesting that Susan talk to a psychologist about adult ADHD.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12475" LastActivityDate="2018-02-10T19:20:15.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10385" CreationDate="2018-02-10T21:28:44.823" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can wear what you like in the U.S. but it will affect people's perception of you and will put demands upon &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; interpersonal skills as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People in general have a deep rooted instinctual distrust of anything that is distinctly different. This used to be a survival trait. Now it's largely baggage. But it's nevertheless very real. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even people that value diversity will often be uncertain or distrust something that is both alien and new. At least at first until they have a chance to get used to it or think the issue through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you choose to wear something unusual, like a head scarf &lt;em&gt;in the U.S.&lt;/em&gt; is then you should expect that many people will stereotype you based on your clothing. And be aloof, distrusting or negative when they first interact with you because you are doing something that marks you as clearly different than they are - and a lot of people are uneasy because they aren't sure what that really means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This occurs for many reasons, it may simply be outside of someone's experience and seem odd to them or they may feel uneasy because they don't know what to expect. Sometimes there is a strong negative association because some people feel that certain ethnic groups are associated with post 9/11 terrorism. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to create a good impression, diffuse tension and have positive social interactions where you like (which is the U.S. at the moment) then you should leverage your interpersonal skills to counteract the negative first impression that the scarf will have on some people around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good deportment and open body language will help overcome any uncertainty that people feel over your scarf. Realize that if you choose to wear an entire ensemble of clothing that is unusual that will have a &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; higher impact than if you wore just the scarf with otherwise unremarkable (for the U.S.) clothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of all interact with people in a positive manner as much as you can. Even if it's as fleeting and simple as a smile or saying hello can do a lot to turn something perceived as off-putting into a positive impression because people lose focus on the scarf and instead start to build a positive impression of you as a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realize that if all of your clothing is ethnic or unusual for the U.S. that it will have a much larger impact than if you are just wearing a scarf along with otherwise unremarkable (for the U.S.) clothing. Open, positive, strong body language will help a lot and will an outgoing and friendly personality (or as much as possible if you happen to be shy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you choose to do something that is well outside the norm - whether it is an ethnic scarf or someone dressing as a punk rocker that people will often have strong first impressions and often stereotype you because they see someone unusual, probably out of their normal experience and that singles you out as different. And different is often a negative stereotype for people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But first impressions can be overcome rather fast if you make an effort to smile, be friendly and engage people around you - simply talk to people and be generally positive and most people will quickly judge you on the merits of your personality rather than the scarf that you are wearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T11:29:02.220" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T11:29:02.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10389" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10405" CreationDate="2018-02-11T02:50:55.510" Score="11" ViewCount="1254" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I started taking dancing lessons with my dancing partner. We enjoy it and also go out together in clubs or bars with a dance floor for practicing what we learned or just for fun. My partner sometimes doesn't like to dance to specific songs while I like to dance to every song just for the challenge. Since there is no romantic relation and we are just out for the dancing purpose I'm quite sure she would be fine if I just prompt someone else if I politely asked her for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem I see here is, since we are out for dancing together we are dancing most of the time together and even if we take a break we are still staying close. So it might appear most likely that we are a couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Concluding, anyone who would even notice me/us, might have this same impression. And being prompted to dance by someone who just went away from his putative girlfriend might come over odd and lead to a decline even if under other circumstances the prompt might be accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I prompt someone in this situation to dance, while clearly verbally or nonverbally expressing my partner is totally fine with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T20:38:44.743" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T13:44:49.137" Title="How to prompt a stranger for a dance while out with my dancing companion?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10389" CreationDate="2018-02-11T05:01:34.660" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your assessment that people would likely see you as a couple rings true. Since you are together pretty much the entire time that is a reasonable assumption on their part and as well, most people would not assume that you would likely want to dance continuously with no breaks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like there would be any number of ways to easily address your desire here. The most obvious would simply be to ask someone else to dance. First, let your regular partner know what you are doing. It shouldn't be much issue as she is your platonic, not romantic friend. Let her know that you'd like to dance more for the experience and so you intend to ask someone else for a dance while she takes a break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then simply do so. Get up and ask another girl who seems like she would be interested in dancing as well e.g. someone that is watching dancers, paying attention, perhaps swaying a bit to the rhythm would probably like to dance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T06:11:22.680" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T06:11:22.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10391" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10182" CreationDate="2018-02-11T07:29:00.553" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two things at work here, and from what you describe I think your mom is terribly conflicted internally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, from your words I understand you are female. In your moms world, a woman has a strong man on her side to protect her. The fact that you prefer women &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; means that you are - in your moms view - helpless and unprotected in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, you two have dramatically different world-views that are irreconcilible. You will never convince your mom and she will never convince you. When a person has been exposed to one view of the world for most of her life, it is incredibly difficult to shake that believe. Don't count on it to ever happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way is, as always, to communicate. The most important initial step in that is to show your mom that you &lt;strong&gt;accept&lt;/strong&gt; her views, even if you do not agree with them. You understand they are her views and you let her have them. Only after you have done the first step can you ask for the same from her, and if you both agree on this, you can have an open discussion about how you can talk and relate to each other despite having such very different views of life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first point, you need to give her assurance that life is possible without a strong man on your side. If she comes from a small town, pointing out how different city life is might be a start. This depends too much on your specific living environment to give a good hint, but the basic idea is that in your moms world, a man is &lt;strong&gt;necessary for protection&lt;/strong&gt;. Once you understand that, you can find a way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-02-11T07:29:00.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10394" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-11T14:05:39.783" Score="-2" ViewCount="2556" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife's older sister has no kids, has never been married and never lived with anyone. From overhearing conversations between the two sisters I know that my wife often gets relationship advice from her sister. I also get relationship advice from friends and family but stay clear of those who have no relationship or are scarred from one. I would like my wife to do the same, but know that she has a natural politeness toward her older sister. How do I convey this message to my wife without coming across as 'a controlling husband' ? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12684" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T13:40:54.010" Title="Sister in law influences wife" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="13" ClosedDate="2018-02-12T14:29:21.773" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10394" CreationDate="2018-02-11T15:10:22.260" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately one of the textbook behaviors of a controlling partner is isolating your partner from the advice of their friends and family. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Psychology Today&lt;/a&gt; lists isolation from friends and family as one of the top warning signs of a controlling relationship. Your wife is talking to her older sister for advice. This is a relationship she has had for her entire life, far longer than her relationship with you. Telling her to not talk to her sister about her relationships is a red flag for an abusive relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to be an controlling husband, don't control who your wife seeks advice from. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-11T15:15:40.753" LastActivityDate="2018-02-11T15:15:40.753" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9702" CreationDate="2018-02-11T16:17:10.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been involved in two life-or-death decisions for family members, one for my father (that was a joint family decision, he is dead now) and one for my wife (that I had to take alone; &lt;a href=&quot;http://diebesteallerzeiten.de/blog/2017/04/24/siobhan-tati-and-i-on-not-having-the-wife-killed/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;she is alive&lt;/a&gt;, and only time will tell if this was a good idea). While this does not make me an expert on anything I can at least offer a been-there-done-that perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two minor points first. Some of the answers seem to suggest that there is no time to hurry with laying out emergency procedures. Now the thing about emergencies is that the sometimes emerge rather quickly - while my father had been ill for a long time he seemed to be on the mend when he suffered from pulmonary embolism. My wife went from being healthy to hemiplegia and aphasia in less than 36 hours without any prior signs of warning. So it’s better to be prepared.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand you probably do not need to worry too much about the organ donor thing - you can be an organ donor only if you are brain dead but otherwise in reasonable shape, which is not how most people die.  And if he has made to other provisions you should give permission to use his organs, because they may save lives and he does not need them when he is dead (I would not usually be so crude, but that’s basically what my wife said before she went into surgery).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your main point, I have to say that the virtues of talking about sickness and death in advance are greatly exaggerated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It certainly does nothing to lessen the emotional impact - in my, and my wife’s family we talked a lot about death and other catastrophes, but when my father died, and when the wife’s surgeon botched that operation, I felt sad and desperate all the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does not necessarily help with any decisions, either, because when push comes to shove the situation will probably not be all that clear cut. Should your father end up brain dead then the decision is a no-brainer, horrible pun intended, and if the prognosis is good there is no decision to make. In between is a vast field of possible outcomes, to many to have contingency plans for them all. And if my experience is anything to go by medical guidances will be a lot less specific than you hope for, in part because doctors do not want to make any promises to avoid legal trouble, and in part because often they cannot really say what is going to happen (in case of my wife they could tell me she would not recover completely, but they gave me a range somewhere between walking on a stick and being in a permanent vegetative state, which did not help a lot with a decision).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More importantly, if you are in a situation where you have to make a life-or-death decision this is not really about your father anymore. At least where I live you are expected to contribute significantly to the care of close relatives, and I mean both morally (with time invested) and legally (i.e. money).  When I made a decision that I wanted my wife to survive I effectively (being no longer mobile)  buried my career plans and rather consciously signed on to a life where all my time and money would go towards the healthcare of my wife. I am happy  to do this for her, but by the sound of it you would not do this happily for your father (and I don’t think anybody would expect that you basically give up your own life for your father).  And frankly, if anything bad happened to you father, would you want your mother to spend the rest of her life looking after him? Even if your father had any specific ideas the needs of others (including your own) will still outweigh his wishes, so it does not matter all that much if his input is missing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, is there anything you can do? Probably yes - sickness and death has an annoying bureaucratic side, and whatever paperwork your parents signed there, I bet is not nearly enough to cover all eventualities (e.g. I realized only recently that, while I could have let my wife die without any question asked I would have committed a felony if I had touched her bank account). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father was a meticulous bookkeeper, and he liked to brief his sons on the elaborate plans he had made to make sure that his family was taken care of should anything happen to him (frankly I think that was his way of keeping his fear of death at bay, since it gave the illusion of some control of events after his death). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you want to your father maybe that is an angle to get through to him - tell him you want make sure that his estate is in order, and discuss what funds are available to pay for this healthcare should he end up disabled, stuff like that. I don’t know your father so this might be horrible advice, but if he is even a little like my own father he might find it easier to talk about death when it’s just about money and not personal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12688" LastActivityDate="2018-02-11T16:17:10.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10394" CreationDate="2018-02-11T18:33:13.617" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From overhearing conversations between the two sisters...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem worried that the advice she gives would be bad, and that your wife would follow the bad advice. I agree with sphennings that convincing your wife to ignore her sister's advice is controlling: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It assumes the advice would be bad (maybe it isn't, but you're not sure).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;More important, it denies your wife the agency to choose for herself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good compromise would be to ask your wife about what her sister said. This is simply curiosity. You can also ask what your wife thinks about the advice. Generally it seems like a good idea to be interested in what your wife thinks ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note about Stephen's comments: the idea is not to pry or sound controlling, rather to calm your anxiety by removing doubts about the contents of their conversation. So maybe ask &quot;how's your sister, is she worried about us?&quot; or something like that. Better communicate your worry and maybe look like an idiot than sit on a grudge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps these conversations aren't really the sister trying to influence your wife, but rather the sister feeling lonely and simply wanting to talk about relationships. In this case, there is no problem at all...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T00:47:11.340" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T00:47:11.340" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10399" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10413" CreationDate="2018-02-11T21:06:46.267" Score="8" ViewCount="2261" Body="&lt;h2&gt;People standing too close&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the lunch buffet room, I'm putting the food from the container on my plate, then scootch a step to the side, put some potatoes or whatever, then scootch again, etc. Right behind me, there's a person who stands rather close to me and moves immediately after my move. I'd describe it as &lt;em&gt;pushing air in my ass&lt;/em&gt;, if you get the sense. Of course they're not physically pushing me, although the our elbows will on occasion bump into each other, and I need to think twice about how to turn around when lifting my tray (once I accidentally hit their hand and the food went all over the floor and on the person as well).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried to handle it by asking the person if they could back off a bit so I could have the space. Probably a bad idea. Their hurry, enforced by my stress, is likely to perceive such a request as impolite and assaulting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried to move out of the way and ask the person to go ahead of me, (possibly pointing out that I recognize their hurry). Not well functioning either. Apparently, it risks to be taken as a sarcastic poke and the response is an agitated &quot;&lt;em&gt;what?! what?!&lt;/em&gt;&quot; followed by an angry look and even more stressful waving me in to hurry up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Embarking and disembarking the elevator&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A similar issue at that office is people who &lt;em&gt;lean into&lt;/em&gt; the elevator before others can disembark. Sometimes, I carry a cup of coffee.  My knee has been operated and I have rather poor balance, so in this circumstance, I try to wait a few seconds for the person to back out of the doorway and let me off the elevator  so I won't have go sideways. When that doesn't work, I back into the elevator and let the person/people (aka the wave) come in to the elevator. Then I go up and down like an idiot until I have a chance of getting out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, that approach has also been aggravating to &lt;em&gt;the wave&lt;/em&gt; and last week someone reprimanded me on the fact that I shouldn't have stayed in the elevator (the person realized that they kind of forced me to back in, and probably felt a bit stupid about it). The way I felt was that if I don't push my way back (causing annoyance) I will still fail by simply being modest (causing irritation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be a good approach to improve some of the approaches mentioned above? Or, even better, what would be a alternative ways of handling them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I'm a large guy who's easily perceived as a threat or at least a physically substantial person (187cm, 115kg= 6'2&quot;, 250lbs).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5709" LastEditorUserId="8724" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T06:03:52.940" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T15:52:35.007" Title="How to handle people stressing me by standing too close in a line (and other similar circumstances)?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;sweden&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10399" CreationDate="2018-02-12T00:41:37.627" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This probably isn't a direct answer to what you asked but there are a few things you can try. I can't say which one would work best (or at all) for the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try looking the person in the eyes. Keep the eye contact polite and friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talk to the person: Introduce yourself. Ask them how their day is going and if there is anything that is bothering them. Then a polite note about if they would mind backing off a bit. That would help them remember you in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try a strong public posture. Sometimes all it requires for people to respect your personal space is that. The posture doesn't have to be threatening or ill-mannered, just observant and attentive.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rationale: A large crowd of any kind provides a feeling of anonymity. Such is seen during concerts, sports events and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This anonymity or the feeling of such can cause a lack of respect of personal space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A one to one interaction, or recognition of individuality (asking personal questions, looking in the eye etc) can significantly diminish the feeling of that anonymity and bring back the respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope it helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8101" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T00:41:37.627" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2018-02-12T02:13:31.460" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could tell him about the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning-Kruger_effect&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dunning-Kruger&lt;/a&gt; effect, and tell him it seems like he doesn't understand how smart he is.  This will accomplish and address several things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An intro from Wikipedia:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In the field of psychology, the Dunning–Kruger effect is a cognitive&#xA;  bias wherein people of low ability suffer from illusory superiority,&#xA;  mistakenly assessing their cognitive ability as greater than it is.&#xA;  The cognitive bias of illusory superiority derives from the&#xA;  metacognitive inability of low-ability persons to recognize their own&#xA;  ineptitude; without the self-awareness of metacognition, low-ability&#xA;  people cannot objectively evaluate their actual competence or&#xA;  incompetence.&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning-Kruger_effect&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Conversely, highly competent individuals may erroneously presume that&#xA;  tasks easy for them to perform are also easy for other people to&#xA;  perform, or that other people will have a similar understanding of&#xA;  subjects that they themselves are well-versed in.&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4971/8724&quot;&gt;2&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As described by social psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger,&#xA;  the cognitive bias of illusory superiority results from an internal&#xA;  illusion in people of low ability and from an external misperception&#xA;  in people of high ability; that is, &quot;the miscalibration of the&#xA;  incompetent stems from an error about the self, whereas the&#xA;  miscalibration of the highly competent stems from an error about&#xA;  others.&quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning-Kruger_effect&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that your coworker has some kind of issue assessing his own worth.  It may or may not be a harmless issue, but based on how you described his personality, he will investigate the Dunning-Kruger effect.  It may take a while, but he may start to be more aware of those around him and how his skills and work affect his coworkers.  From what you say, it sounds like he's a star member of the team, even though he doesn't realize it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if this coworker is from another ethnicity or culture than the west, he may simply be trying to show humility, submission, or something else.  &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4971/8724&quot;&gt;This answer&lt;/a&gt; addresses this phenomenon as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8724" LastEditorUserId="8724" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T02:19:54.357" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T02:19:54.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10402" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10403" CreationDate="2018-02-12T07:49:12.157" Score="0" ViewCount="854" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and my sister have a relationship that goes up and down, sometimes we can go through one door and sometimes definitely not....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now its somewhere in the middle mostly because we don't see each other all the time any more, not a bad thing per say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this morning I woke up and went downstairs to get some breakfast. I was following some program on the TV. The seat of my sister was closest to the TV and without any evil thoughts I thought I could sit there too (see was not downstairs).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I  sat down and ate my breakfast while watching a series. Halfway through my meal, my sister comes down and asks me to get up and move to another place. My response was: let me finish my breakfast then I will move, right now I am following this program (was in the middle of something exciting). After she prepared her breakfast she basically demanded me to move as response I just stayed at her place and like I said before first finish my breakfast. Well from there we just got into a fight which is not that interesting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: Was I unreasonable? Should I have gotten up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said the relationship is not all the time that  good, but this time I was not trying to bother her in any way. For a change she could have just taken another seat. We were literally talking about 5 min. It sounds pretty childish what we fight about, but every now and then this happens. So I am just curious. Any other suggestions are welcome.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The house is of my parents. I live on my own since half a year. She still lives at home. I am from the Netherlands (if that helps). We kind of sit at the same seat all the time. Its an unwritten rule. So in short there are 6 seats at the table. All of them are &quot;assigned&quot; to someone. Though this something that is never really told out loud. It grew that way. She is not owning the seat in any way or bought it like that. My parents did. Interaction in the house is mostly very direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12700" LastEditorUserId="12700" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T08:00:43.030" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T09:13:05.763" Title="Should I have gotten up for my sister?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-02-12T10:14:51.647" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10402" CreationDate="2018-02-12T08:38:01.290" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Thank you for adding context to the situation surrounding your question. It helps considerably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There isn't any absolute position here, whether you should have gotten up is subjective (and we will soon see some members seeking to close this thread because they can't abide that ./ )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't mean that your question isn't meaningful though. Lets look at it briefly. The custom in your house is to sit in the same seats. Nothing suggests that it was improper or any problem whatever for you to sit there when your sister was elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the question is simply, should you have gotten up immediately when she first came into the room /asked or should your sister have accepted that you would relinquish the seat shortly when you finished your breakfast?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is subjective. Someone who is easygoing would surely say that you were not unreasonable. And that your sister was a bit unreasonable and impatient to make an issue of it. But your sister won't agree with this. And some people will feel that a custom like this should be strictly observed or that your behaviour should prioritize tranquility over personal convenience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be easy for me to just insert my bias and say that you were not unreasonable. But better advice would be for you to mull the issue over and try to understand if your stance is congruent with your beliefs. If it is, then you were indeed reasonable &lt;em&gt;because your action accords with your world view&lt;/em&gt;. As simple as that. You were only unreasonable if you acted contrary to what you think should have been done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that your intentions were not evil. In an otherwise healthy relationship it shouldn't make much difference either way how you handled this, whether you now apologize /or do the opposite next time or simply move forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T08:47:46.333" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T08:47:46.333" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10389" CreationDate="2018-02-12T10:24:27.603" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a Swiss male who also likes to dance disco fox in clubs/bars occasionally. I have been in similar situations like you are in now. &#xA;I usually only do it with my friends with whom I was taking dancing classes with, so I know that they can disco fox.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we dance, it is not because we have romantic interests - it's just for fun. But as you point out in your question, people don't know that. Partnerdancing in such locations does indeed come across as though you may be partners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I see two people dance like that, I am &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; going to ask the girl for a dance for two reasons.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;1)  If they are in a relationship, I think it would be quite rude&lt;br&gt;&#xA;2)  Dancing like that is quite exhausting and they probably want a break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why it is up to YOU to ask strangers for a dance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But all this is probably not news to you, since you are asking &lt;em&gt;&quot;how do I do that&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and not &lt;em&gt;&quot;should I..&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here are some tips that you should keep in mind for the next time you want to ask a stranger for a dance: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1)&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;I'm quite sure she would be fine if I just prompt someone else.&quot;&lt;br&gt; &#xA;Make sure your friend is okay with you dancing with others. Don't just assume - ask her! Discuss the possible outcomes and ask her (and yourself :P) whith which of the outcomes she would be okay with&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(partnerdancing with a stranger can be a bonding experience and is considered to be a very attractive feat by many people. It can lead to the new acquaintance wanting to stick with you the rest of the evening)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2)&lt;/strong&gt; Ask your friend not to stare while you ask strangers for a dance and also while you are dancing.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is very important to your actual question. The stranger probably has already noticed you two dancing. If your friend is watching / staring at you it implies that she is either your girlfriend or at least interested in you.&#xA;Not only is this part very crucial, it will also be quite difficult for your friend. As a learning dancer you automatically want to watch other people dance. Explain to your friend why you want her not to watch, it will make it easier for her and it stops her from thinking that you dont want her to watch for other reasons (shame, unspoken feelings, you 'picking up' other girls).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3)&lt;/strong&gt; When asking people for a dance, be friendly and smile genuinely. Don't ever look at your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4)&lt;/strong&gt; Not all people can dance disco fox. Since you are a male and therefore in the leading position this is less an obstacle. I have danced with many girls that don't know how to disco fox. If they sound interested but say they can't dance,&#xA;Ensure them that it is no problem at all and it would be still very fun. If they do not sound/look interested, don't push it and ask another girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5)&lt;/strong&gt; Do not mention your friend at all. Clarifying in any way that she is not your girlfriend would come off a bit strange and she will ask herself what she &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; is to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So how can I prompt someone in this situation to dance, while clearly&#xA;  verbally or nonverbally expressing my partner is totally fine with&#xA;  that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the aforementioned points in mind you could approach strangers like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey there! [smile, eye contact.]&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I noticed you watched me dance&#xA;  before. Would you like to have a go?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  [hold out left hand palm up,&#xA;  still smiling]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will then most likely glance at your friend. This is why it is crucial for your friend not to stare! If the new acquaintance sees your friend doing something else and not looking at you, it will indicate that your friend is totally fine with what you are doing. (your friend not being in sight would have the same effect)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more gallant way of asking would be &quot;Would you do me the honor?&quot; instead of &quot;Would you like to have a go?&quot;. Of course there are many other variants, you will have to evaluate yourself how exactly you would word your question based on your personality and the type of the disco/bar and the stranger herself.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;More important is that you smile genuinely and stay friendly. Eye contact never hurts, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;sidenote: after reading this again I realized that it could be possible for your friend to actually look, but with a smile! Her smiling would be the ultimate indication of &quot;I'm happy with that&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- make sure your friend is 100% okay with you asking others for a dance&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- tell your partner not to watch (or if she does, she should smile)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- simply and friendly ask strangers for a dance&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- do not mention your friend  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Sorry for the long and sidetracking answer. I hope it helps though ;)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="1959" LastEditDate="2018-11-20T13:44:49.137" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T13:44:49.137" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2358" CreationDate="2018-02-12T12:26:37.433" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The question you are asking is basically &quot;How to make people do things I want?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are 2 ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;motive and speech are aligned : you simply talk to her about the situation and ask for a solution. Given her personality it will not work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;motive and speech not aligned, some call it lying, some call it &quot;the end justify the needs&quot;, some simply say to &quot;hide&quot; your motive, or manipulation, etc... it's all the same, how you call it depends if you want to see it positively or negatively&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are willing to go the second way, you need to find leverage on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Identify people she listens to, rally them to your cause: make sure people know how much she owes you and bring this topic regularly. They need to be relays of your own will/speech&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to out-pity her. You could fake money problems. Maybe a person you know that is really worse than her currently needs your money, much more than her. It would also help you remain the good guy in the story.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Present the refund under the angle of what she will get out of it (Respect?&#xA;Trust? Self-esteem? Therapeutic?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could also ask someone to ask her for money, if there is such a person available&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a combination of all the above&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't try to unmask her manipulations. She clearly entered this self-doom circle because as a child she could get much more love/attention/objects by being &quot;broken&quot;, and it has now because her normal operational mode to inter-operate with others (maybe unfortunately for her the only she actually ever experienced). Confronting her will just make things worse (because you don't fix a problem by throwing another problem at the problem)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with you that being ill is not the silver bullet of &quot;excuse-it-all&quot;, especially since it might actually be &lt;strong&gt;because&lt;/strong&gt; people were kinder to her when she was sick than she trapped herself inside this habit (pure conjecture here, as I don't actually know her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to help a sick person, try to show her how another way of behaving could look like. She probably need only a kind soul to show her how a different way of interacting feels like. You could even ask her to give you back 10$, and ask her if it feels good to honor her word, be responsible, etc... It's exactly what I described in point n°3, but seen under another angle (helping). By showing her it's possible, and helping her practice this &quot;new way&quot;, she could get caught in a positive reinforcement circle that would motivate her to continue... Who knows...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: even though the question is 5 months old, I didn't find any answer providing this perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12589" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T12:26:37.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10407" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-12T13:15:43.970" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Her ETA's might be bad because she's bad at guessing, but the repeated &quot;miscalculations&quot; make it appear more likely that she feels too guilty to admit how late she really is. My suggestion is to make it easy for her to admit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the only thing I want is a way to mitigate her incorrect estimations of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just make this as explicit as possible...&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Hi Susan, I'm at the designated place, but I don't see you. Are you coming?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Susan: Something's come up, I'll be late. 5 minutes tops.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Are you sure that's realistic? I don't mind meeting an hour later, and I don't blame you for being late. I just really need to know when you're going to be here (because...). How long will it take in the worst case? Where are you now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;... and encourage a more conservative estimate.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Susan: OK, I guess I can be there in 10 minutes, worst case. I'm at the main station.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Let's meet in twenty minutes then. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Susan: Alright, see you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T13:37:37.297" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T13:37:37.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10394" CreationDate="2018-02-12T13:40:54.010" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your wife talking to her sister is not the problem here. Poor relationship behavior is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You shouldn't - in any way, shape, or form - try to get between your wife and her sister. At least not without clear evidence of some sort of malicious intent on the sister's part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you should be addressing anything which may be bothering you in the relationship the same way you've presumably always done so: by speaking to your wife about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's suppose for a second that your wife gets some poor advice from her sister, and she starts behaving in a way in which she never has before, and which bugs you. Sit down with her, and very calmly discuss the situation. Don't express any suspicions and that this behavior may have been influenced by her sister. Don't point fingers. Simply seek to express your dissatisfaction, and try to reach a solution:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey honey, for the past couple of weeks I've noticed [behavior here]. It's a new development, and it makes me uncomfortable because [reason here]. Could we talk about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time, if her sister's advice is consistently leading her to these talks, your wife will realize that she's getting poor advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T13:40:54.010" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-12T13:58:33.980" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The problem is that she'll claim she'll be on time and stick to that even when she knows she's lying. I'm talking down to the last minute. Arnold and Gerard will confirm that they're going to pick her up at 1:30 and at 1:20 text to confirm where she is and she'll say she'll be ready. Then they have to wait 30 minutes for her to show up at the arranged spot because she was still a 25 minute walk away from the meetup when she said she'd be on time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, realize that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; can't fix this.  You are mostly a bystander to this.  Assuming Susan is not going to change (which you put out of scope), then the person with the power to change things here is Arnold.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arnold is the one actually making arrangements.  Arnold therefore is the one who should be using &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10203/6371&quot;&gt;nonviolent communication&lt;/a&gt; or changing his behavior to adjust for Susan's.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when Arnold hears (or reads) that &quot;she'll be ready&quot; he needs to then follow up with &quot;You're not ready yet?  Are you at home?&quot;  Then if she says that she will be home soon, he should reply with &quot;Why don't I come to you?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach will of course require Arnold to use more gas in his car.  If that seems to be a problem, consider having the group make an Arnold's car gas fund.  If you and Gerard can contribute, then Susan likely will as well.  But over time, if Arnold picks up Susan where she is rather than relying on her being where she is supposed to be, then I believe that you will find it easier to schedule things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The hardest part is convincing Susan that it is easier to go where she is than to wait for her where she isn't.  That's where the nonviolent communication techniques come in.  They communicate to Susan when her behavior is causing frustration.  Since Arnold should use those when waiting and not when driving around, Susan should adjust to seeing waiting as bad and communicating as good.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can also be helpful to thank her when she does something in line with what Arnold wants (as well as you and Gerard want).  &quot;Susan, thank you for telling me you were still at your mom's.  It made it much easier to get you.&quot;  &quot;No, it's less work to pick you up than to wait for you, so thanks for telling us.&quot;  Such thanks should focus on her communication, as that is the thankful event.  Waiting is bad.  Communication is good.  Events like being at her mom's when she was supposed to be home are neutral.  The presumption is that she can't fix her lateness but she can fix her communication.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The neutralness of her lateness is also important.  One reason why she may have started &quot;lying&quot; or evading an exact mention of where she was is that people may have responded negatively.  So stop doing that.  The problem is not that she is in the wrong place.  The problem is that she didn't communicate where she was.  So avoid criticizing not being in the right place.  Only criticize lack of communication and actively praise communication.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arnold and Gerard may also want to plan on meeting her early.  Instead of meeting her at 1:30, plan on meeting her at 1:15.  They shouldn't go out of their way to do this, but if Arnold was instead hanging out at Gerard's waiting until it is time to leave, they should contact Susan instead.  This is to handle situations like &quot;I'm checking out at the grocery store and will then walk home.  I still need to take a shower.&quot;  Then Arnold and Gerard can pick her up at the grocery store and carry in and stow the groceries while she takes her shower.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The concern of course is that under the current situation, they would have to wait for her to walk home from the grocery store.  And wait for her to put away the groceries alone.  And wait for her to take a shower.  But that's partially fixable.  She doesn't have to walk home or carry in the groceries or put the freezer/refrigerator stuff away.  Arnold and Gerard would probably prefer to pick her up and do those things than wait for her to accomplish them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless they are really close to Susan, they probably can't help her with the shower.  But they can help with the other tasks so that she can concentrate on the shower as the thing that only she can do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T13:58:33.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10411" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-12T15:18:48.303" Score="1" ViewCount="828" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm from a Latin American country. At my university there are student groups called &lt;em&gt;&quot;Student Chapters&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, there's one for each degree (Computer Science, Mechatronics etc.), and each chapter has a president, vice president, secretary and treasurer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been part of my student chapter for 5 semesters (I just started sixth semester) because I firmly believe in its mission of complementing the academic development of the Computer Science students through extracurricular activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem lies in that the Student Chapter of my degree is the worst. I wish I was exaggerating but trust me, I'm not (I could give you the reasons but I think it will make the question too long, if you think this is important please leave a comment and I'll edit the question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate doing things the wrong way, and the people managing the student chapter always seems to take the wrong decisions (secrecy, favoritism etc.). This is supposed to be an academic organization, not a political one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been putting a big effort for two and a half years into the Chapter, offering my help, correcting and anticipating mistakes, participating actively on it, organizing trips, contests etc. ... the thing is that most of the people in there are way too lazy and are part of the chapter either because they want to go on the trips at the end of the semester or they're friends with someone on a high position. At the end, 2 or 3 people including myself end up doing all the work while the rest put in the minimum effort possible. I despise this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have the best average grade of my generation and I'm always working hard to lift the reputation of the Computer Science Chapter, but the only thing I've gained is the hate of the other members of the group. They always try to denigrate my work, talk bad about me behind my back and warn new members about me being &quot;problematic&quot;. Still, all the professors love my work and congratulate me every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last week was the election of the new president, vice president, treasurer and secretary. There was a meeting about a week before the election to give the rules of the process of electing the new representatives, the main rule was to send the proposals on a given time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The day of the election resulted in only three people sending proposals (myself included). Two were candidates for president, and I was a candidate for vice president. The Counselor was very angry because out of 30 students listed on the chapter only 3 sent the proposals on time. She knows that all the members are way too lazy and always avoid responsibility, so she stated that we were going to vote for the president but the vice president role was going to be directly appointed for lack of contestants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you may remember every single member of the chapter hates me except for two or three that actually work, so this decision has brought a lot of comments about lack of democracy. I don't understand why, I mean they didn't send proposals, they don't work and they don't want other people to work. I don't really care of what they say about me, but the thing is that I'm going to have to work with them for a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a week there's going to be the ceremony of change of representatives and we're supposed to give a little speech. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I add to my speech to let this group of people know that I'm well-intentioned and want to do nothing else but lift the reputation of the chapter?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Extra comment&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother is the Counselor of the chapter, but we have a deal that states that she's just my mother outside university, so she gives me the same treatment as the other students at school. Even if you're still not convinced that there's no favoritism present on the elections, it wasn't my mother, but the chief of the Computer Science department who took the decision of directly appointing the charge of vice president because of lack of contestants. The problem is that the rest of the members don't know this, and I don't see why I have to justify myself if I've always worked hard for the Chapter even before my mother took the charge of Counselor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is important so I added it to the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11757" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T20:41:49.150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T21:48:53.477" Title="How do I communicate to a stubborn group that I'm well-intentioned?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2018-02-20T06:03:57.750" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10412" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2018-02-12T15:21:55.913" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I cannot believe that anyone would put up with your colleague's behavior without getting frustrated and annoyed. Such remark made form time to time are probably fine; made consistently may just mean that the person is not at the adequate position regardless of technical skills. I would say stop providing encouragement and praise in the way you used to. Start demanding more proper and adult behavior. Express your concerns and discomfort strictly without sugar-coating it. Everyone is probably tired of him by now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T15:21:55.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10399" CreationDate="2018-02-12T15:40:14.427" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;From reading your question I think there may be a couple of elements in play:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are physically taller than most, and presumably with long limbs, so the amount of space you need around you for comfort and manoeuvrability is proportionately larger than it is for shorter people, particularly in situations where you need elbow room, are carrying things or need space to turn. That’s just the plain logic of you being a little ‘scaled up’, your space needs to scale up too, so it’s a real and logical need that you might have to explain sometimes, but should not have to apologise for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second element has also been referred to by others, that it seems from your question that you try to be very self-effacing and that this might be leading to body language signals from posture and movements that &lt;em&gt;subconsciously signal&lt;/em&gt; to others that you don’t think you have a right to occupy space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don’t think it is helpful for me to tell you to miraculously become more assertive or to change all your body language, but I will suggest a couple of things which might help you to claim, and stand, your ground in your specific examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For both of your example situations I’d suggest combining a physical stategy with back-up words:&#xA;In the Cafeteria line: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Assuming that you are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; actually taking significantly longer than&#xA;other people in the line when you feel them trying to hurry you (and&#xA;if you are, speed up man!) you can try an adaptation of Step 1 in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1203/9837&quot;&gt;this solution&lt;/a&gt;&#xA;and let your &lt;em&gt;tray&lt;/em&gt; trail behind you rather than pushing it in front or&#xA;standing next to it. This way you limit how close they can push their&#xA;tray to where you are standing, and it is likely that they will&#xA;subconsciously keep their own position relative to their tray.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can also try facing the counter, rather than the direction you are moving, and adopting a wide-legged stance so that your foot physically impedes people moving closer to you. I do this in queues in supermarkets when people are too close and breathing down my neck, it also has the advantage of allowing you to quickly turn your head and look them in the eye when they try and advance, which generally holds people off a little.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If someone still stands too close to you in this scenario, they will&#xA;then be standing closer to your tray than their own and almost on&#xA;your foot, which should make it easier to point out to them that they&#xA;are being a bit weird, while keeping it light-hearted.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;‘Hey Man, if you like my choices that much they have more of the&#xA;  fricasseed sealion (or whatever) back there, but you’ll have to go to&#xA;  Shoe Locker for a pair of the brogues.’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which has the benefit of making it about them being very close to&#xA;   your &lt;em&gt;stuff&lt;/em&gt;, rather than too close to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the lift, I again think there is a combination of things you can do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; when the lift is about to get to your floor, &lt;strong&gt;be&#xA;ready&lt;/strong&gt;. When that door opens anyone on the outside of it should get&#xA;a glorious view of Konrad Viltersten in his splendour, feet planted&#xA;in that aforementioned wide-legged stance, smiling brightly at them&#xA;all before he strides through the crowd.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Before they get chance to lean in, you lean &lt;em&gt;out&lt;/em&gt;.  Keep smiling,&#xA;don’t apologise, keep moving, be your own internal cheerleader, keep&#xA;that momentum up and have a few appropriate quips at the ready for if&#xA;they don’t step aside for you to exit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Appropriate lines will depend on your setting, culture and&#xA;personality but really all you need to achieve is making their behaviour rather than yours the focus and to help carry you through the momentum of exiting&#xA;the lift without being pushed back by ‘the wave’. You have to be your&#xA;&lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; tide. Depending what you can be comfortable enough with (You don’t need to be entirely comfortable, you are clearly going to have&#xA;to push your comfort-zone a little to change how this works for you)&#xA;you could try some lines which, like the cafeteria queue, draw&#xA;attention to &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; weird behaviour:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Steady there, you can’t walk through me you know!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know I’m easy to miss, but I’m exiting the lift here!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Age before beauty! (That might be culturally specific to the UK, I’m&#xA;  not sure, but it isn’t meant to be taken particularly seriously and is&#xA;  often used ironically)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Steady on, you can’t fit a quart in a pint pot!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But whatever you say, say it with apparent confidence and humour, not irritation or apologeticness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T15:40:14.427" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10190" CreationDate="2018-02-12T16:09:39.290" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As several people have said, there are many people who find all of these things difficult:    estimating time, handling reminders, judging start/stop of tasks, getting stuck into one thing and not being aware of other things needing doing, paying attention to alarms, having a regular sleep/wake cycle.....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not assume your friend is a &quot;liar&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the situation you describe, she is probably someone who has struggled with this all her life, is as frustrated as you are by it, has tried &quot;everything&quot; (and it hasn't worked), does not need lectures on it because she knows the issues and consequences and still cannot &quot;fix&quot; it.....  and is probably very grateful that she has friends who can cope with her and don't drop her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what it is actually like, having this kind of condition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to handle it, is therefore likely to be more about workarounds than fixes. If you take as a starting-point that it won't reliably get fixed, and that your friend knows this, can't change it (much/easily, I'm assuming she has tried), and would like to find a better way, then consider what might follow. Much more likely to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reassure her. Reassurance is key to open discussion. You can't fully discuss if afraid or shamed by something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look for workarounds. For example suppose you carry on and do what you will do, and she catches up as she best can. Or you accept if she isn't there and its sad but doesn't ruin a friendship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her what she's tried and if she has found anything that you can do which will help. Importantly, don't jump in to &quot;fix&quot;. Listen to her experience and ask (gently) for details needed to understand. (Not &quot;fix&quot;, however tempting). A quiet &quot;okay&quot; or &quot;I get it&quot; or &quot;can you explain...&quot; Rather than &quot;have you tried X&quot; or &quot;Why not Y&quot;. What's obvious or easy to you may simply not work for her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Personal knowledge)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T01:23:01.447" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T01:23:01.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10411" CreationDate="2018-02-12T17:07:09.280" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider that in your future professional life, you will encounter the same kind of people in many places. Perhaps they will be your colleagues, your underlings, your subcontractors who deliver sub-par work late, or maybe even your boss! Yikes!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, while you grumble about them right now, these people are (without knowing it) actually helping you learn important professional and social skills. It is up to you whether you choose to benefit from this free teaching or not. I would say it is a wonderful opportunity, since any mistakes you make will result in bruised egos, but not in much worse consequences like getting fired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just take it as &quot;the lazybum sims&quot; -- level 1, tutorial mode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hate doing things the wrong way&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While that is very admirable, if you are to be an engineer, you must learn to compromise. Sometimes what you think is the &quot;wrong&quot; way is cheaper, more efficient, and results in putting a product on the market on time. Thus if you think about it, it isn't that &quot;wrong&quot; anymore. Perfectionism is nice, but it can be a hurdle. If you are one year late to make a perfect product, the competitors will already own the market. So, when you feel you &quot;hate doing things the wrong way&quot;, take a step back and review which compromises you are making. Can you find a more optimal solution? Someone who makes no compromises to please others quickly gets ostracized...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and the people managing the student chapter always seems to take the wrong desicions (secrecy, favoritism etc.). This is supposed to be an academic organization, not a political one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every company has politics, that's how people work. Some have lots of politics, which makes them highly toxic, some have a lot less. Again, watch them and learn. If you learn how to quickly identify you are walking into a bucket of crabs, this will help a lot in avoiding toxic work environments in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At the end 2 or 3 people including myself end up doing all the work while the rest puts in the minimum effort possible. I despise this. &#xA;  I have the best average grade of my generation and I'm always working hard to lift the reputation of the Computer Science Chapter, but the only thing I've gained is the hate of the other members of the group. They always try to denigrate my work, talk bad about me behind my back and warn new members about me being &quot;problematic&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact you are hard working and an excellent student emphasizes their own laziness and lack of results, and makes them look bad by comparison. So they hate you for this, and then you hate them back in return. This is the usual result this kind of situation. They will put you down, because it's easier than competing with you fairly. Additionally,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My mother is the Counselor of the chapter, but we have a deal that states that she's just my mother outside university&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will attribute your successes to this instead of admitting you're more talented than they are. Sure, it's unfair, but that's how things go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Even if you're still not convinced that there's no favoritism present on the elections, it wasn't my mother, but the chief of the Computer Science department who took the deicision&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I am convinced, but they won't be. And they also think you brown-nosed the Big Boss to get the spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't see why I have to justify myself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is yet another problem: what matters is &lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; think you need to justify yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hate between colleagues isn't healthy. So you have to make a choice between going bitter and developing an ulcer, getting a new job (leaving the chapter in this case), or finesse it by compromising. Let's go with the latter. Good thing is you seem much smarter than them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Still, all the professors love my work and congratulate me everytime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...which makes your colleagues hate you even more. As Andrei says, you are facing an entrenched group of opponents. Also, you have no stick (I suppose you can't fire them or do anything really). And you don't have carrots either since they're not paid. So your means are limited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alright. Let's solve all your problems in one elegant move. This is non-verbal IPS of the &quot;adjusting your attitude&quot; sort:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) You failed. You can relax. View all projects as cancelled. Stop caring about it right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're the model student, failing hard is something you need to experience at least once! (LOL) and this is a wonderful opportunity since there will be almost no consequences, except to your pride, but you just stopped caring one paragraph ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you no longer care, you will be a lot more relaxed. No more ulcer or sleepless nights. And any project that you actually manage to salvage will be a huge bonus!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just like a herbivore anxiously dipping their snout into a watering hole deep in mysterious Serengeti, the lazybum playing Candy Crush on company time is equipped with a finely tuned instinct thanks to which it foils its natural predator: the annoying boss who wants them to work. In other words, you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But... since you are now relaxed, drinking a beer in your office and not giving a damn, they will view you less as &quot;this annoying nerd who wants us to work&quot; and perhaps more as a human being. It's camouflage. Yet, if you get &quot;elected&quot; VP you will be responsible of the complete SNAFU that this chapter has become. So you will have to deliver, somehow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sort all projects by descending order of priority. Split the team into workers and slackers. Have a meeting with the workers and decide to only do the projects that are most important. Everything else is canceled. Workload should be limited to what is fun to do. Do not work too much: reducing the amount of work you do for ungrateful people will reduce your level of hate and bitterness and you will be able to interact with them in a much more relaxed way. If you only do the parts that you like, then you are working for your own enjoyment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, the cancelled projects should be distributed among the slackers, at their choosing. If they still manage to pull it off, then... what a wonderful surprise!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, about your speech: it seems the only currency you got to negociate your way out of this is praise. Good thing is, your slacker buddies must not be used to it, so it has high value to them. Therefore:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bring cake and drinks (preferably alcohol)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use self-deprecating humor, &quot;yeah I know I'm an insufferable know it all, but I'm trying to get better&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Joke about how you got the job (you'll never tell them how much you bribed the teachers though)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to find something to praise about everyone, try to remember something they did for the chapter, etc. Don't be afraid to go max level hypocrite&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Emphasize the chapter needs their help for whatever important project you're doing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering your current situation, it can only get better, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course this should all be adapted to the current situation and seasoned to taste. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T20:16:02.000" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T20:16:02.000" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10411" CreationDate="2018-02-12T21:39:27.300" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question is a good one and goes directly to interpersonal skills. And that is how do I persuade an unsympathetic (or hostile) group of my sincere intentions? These are indeed valuable real world skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are at all a pragmatist you have to consider the gulf between trying to argue a subject on it's merits - a fine approach to an audience that is neutral or truly open-minded. And works particularly well if an audience is well educated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And what is far more likely to succeed with a unsympathetic or hostile audience. An unsympathetic audience is not predisposed to listen with an open mind and dispassionately evaluate the strength of your argument on it's merit. Quite the contrary, they are already biased against you, likely to resist being persuaded and likely to suffer from &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;confirmation bias&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are far more likely to prevail if you are willing to persuade through emotion, appealing to their self-interest, joking about the situation to break the tension, building a rapport and talking about how you will earnestly work to do a great job to benefit them. Basically you need to concentrate on &lt;em&gt;salesmanship&lt;/em&gt; to prevail in a situation like this. You have to be somewhat a student of human nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You turn the situation around to persuade them that you are really on their side by concentrating on the parts that they like, appealing to emotion and avoiding talking about facts in dispute where you would get a more hostile reception. Spend most of you time talking about what you can do for them in general, try to make an emotional connection, appeal to them at a gut level, don't dwell too much on actual facts in dispute if you really want to prevail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Isn't human nature wonderful? Nonetheless these are valuable insights into human behaviour and what interpersonal skills are effective in persuasion, whether you choose to employ them or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you decide to stick to facts and argue pretty much everything logically you will still persuade more people if you also strive to make a personal connection with your audience and spend some time conveying your enthusiasm and earnest desire to do a great job for all concerned. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People can be convinced by the tone of your voice, your body language and general impression of your earnestness where they (in this situation) would be resistant to logical or factual argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-12T21:48:53.477" LastActivityDate="2018-02-12T21:48:53.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10377" CreationDate="2018-02-13T02:09:25.440" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple answer: you don't.  Keep this in mind: she has beliefs, which are most strongly held.  How would you react if someone presents info to you which challenges positions you hold?  (If you say &quot;sure, I'd take a look&quot;, you're in a miniscule minority).   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best bet is to engage with her and to do so in a respectful fashion.  If she's like a lot of flat-earthers, the level of zealotry may be high.  So challenging her constantly won't go well.  You don't have to agree with her, but if you get along with her, your views will be more well-received than if she dislikes you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of it this way: if you expect her to listen respectfully to your beliefs, how will she do that when you don't extend the same courtesy to her?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, WRT talking her out of these beliefs: once you have gained her trust, you can start slowly by laying the groundwork.  Help her see the basics of how you understand the world to be round and let her come to that conclusion.  You'll keep a friend and rid the earth of one of these flat-earthers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T02:09:25.440" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10420" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10424" CreationDate="2018-02-13T04:31:45.757" Score="20" ViewCount="7444" Body="&lt;p&gt;TLDR: My coworker makes unkind jokes about someone else to build rapport or support friendship with me. This makes me uncomfortable because it is outright mean and has noticeably hurt the teased party more than once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a coworker who I have become friends with. He feels very close to me and (over)shares a lot of his personal life with me. He also feels very free to ask very personal questions about my life and frequently crosses my normal boundaries for coworkers and men (I am a female 10 years his junior). I am working on getting him to recognize that when I deflect his questions and statements I am attempting to avoid a topic he has brought up. Usually, his response is to ask again even more directly, which is uncomfortable at best. He has told me several times he believes himself to be on the autism spectrum, which I believe contributes to his ignoring my conversation signals. I am close enough to him to spend social time at his house and house-sit for his pets. (Read: coworker is harmless, married, and acts more like he's my age.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Problem:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently I have noticed that one way he likes to build rapport is to make fun of my boyfriend who is also a coworker, and typically the kind of guy to clown around and make jokes. On one recent occasion, I made a joke of some sort, my boyfriend thought it was a little funny, I explained the pun in the joke, and then he laughed more, understanding the real joke. Our older coworker then chimed in a euphemism about the last horse crossing the line and I didn't understand the phrase. When he clarified he said something like the stupid people laugh last. I thought that was a very mean thing to say. Being the non-confrontational person that I am, I attempted to deflect by saying &quot;I usually laugh last&quot; which is entirely true, but because I have a hearing loss that causes me to miss jokes. Then instead of allowing me to shift the conversation to myself he basically drove home the point that he thought my boyfriend was stupid and should have gotten the joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I would like to achieve:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think he actually thinks my boyfriend is stupid. He thinks very highly of the both of us. But because he works closer with me and is closer to me, I think that my boyfriend is seen as a mutual punching bag to bond over. How can I make it clear that this behavior is unacceptable? In the past, when I have called him out on very minor offenses against coworkers who were not offended in the moment, he just grins and says &quot;I know, I'm a terrible person.&quot; and makes a big joke out of it. In the past, if I have declined offers to hang out or said I'm busy or talk about an event I'm excited about, he will make it very obvious he is hurt that I won't make every effort to involve him and will guilt trip me while making a joke about it. I would like to tell him he shouldn't make fun of someone I care about, and for him to take it seriously with no joking and guilt-tripping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10279" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:47:40.070" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:47:40.070" Title="Approach a coworker-friend about being nicer to his friends" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;teasing&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10421" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9862" CreationDate="2018-02-13T06:29:46.757" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am old, so perhaps a little cynical. I am wondering what it is about you that makes you feel compelled to maintain this relationship? What I am getting at is this seems to be a very casual relationship, and the level it is at does not seem to make you happy, or maybe better said leaves you apprehensive about the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would like to suggest to you is that the problem you're having here is within you, and has nothing to do with this other person. By suggesting that I am suggesting that the solution to your problem here rests entirely with you and has nothing to do with this other person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question deals with how you can get her to change her behavior a bit to solve your problems with the relationship. You would like her to give you a bit more time. I would bet that if she was so inclined as to post about her problem she might be saying that she really likes her online friend but wishes he would give her a little more space and ask how she can do that without messing things up between the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friendships get trying when one or the other starts being needy about the relationship, then starts laying down terms and gentle manipulation of the other person. She will resent you if you keep trying to suggest she needs to change for you or you keep sending unwelcome messages. I am just saying plainly that if you need her to change to make you happier, she will sorely disappoint you, as anybody will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I mentioned an unwanted message let me give you some sense what an unwanted message is. If you just message her &quot;hi&quot;, she will know intuitively if that is a sincere hello friend, or a needy message to see if she says hi back. I swear people know this. Oh yeah the needy &quot;hi&quot; is an unwanted message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So lets get back to you. It is you that needs to own your own happiness. She can't, and if you insist that she needs to, she will not, people are stubborn that way. Your life should be rich and content with or without this friend. The less you expect from this or any friend the less they will disappoint and the more joy you will have because they are your friend when you get the unexpected from them. In other words just take it for what it is worth and enjoy it for what it is. If you can't like it for what it is, that is your problem and not hers. If you clearly feel that something needs to change for this relationship to be right, your choice is really that you change or the relationship ends. The only change you need to make is to own your own happiness. There is nothing else that really works in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T08:14:07.550" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T08:14:07.550" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10420" CreationDate="2018-02-13T07:58:44.380" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that the best thing you can do is to be very clear on it. And I don't mean only in what you say, but also in how you say it, your tone of voice and body langauge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get the impression you dislike direct conflict and like to deflect/ evade conflict by joking around it or moving the focus to you instead of the conflict. While this is a good way to go about it when minor things happen, this is not how to solve a bigger issue like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take him aside, perhaps with your boyfriend there as well, if you think that is helpful, and very clearly tell him that you do not like it or appreciate it when he talks badly about your boyfriend, or other friends/ coworkers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make it sound like you are angry at him (even if you are) or that you blame him, make it sound like it is something that you don't appreciate and that you would like to make him attentive on the matter. I assume he will apologize and promise to not do it anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he persists, then be more direct and less friendly. If that still persists, you will have to evaluate your friendship with him and whether or not you want to escalate it to HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something else, which is more personal opinion. If what he does does not stem from him being on the spectrum, I think him to be an ill friend. I had a friend to do the same thing, but to strangers while shit talking about myself and another mutual friend. And it broke a 10 year friendship. We got past it but it is nowhere near what we had before all of that happened. I regret that the friendship devolved, but I do not regretting cutting him out for a while. While jokes and banter are part of any good friendship, Respect and care should take priority. Especially so if he knows he is your boyfriend. I bet your boyfriend feels all kinds of not happy with the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastEditorUserId="6191" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T09:33:07.703" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T09:33:07.703" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10420" CreationDate="2018-02-13T08:27:14.670" Score="39" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He has told me several times he believes himself to be on the spectrum&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being on the spectrum does not give you a free card to insult people after being told that this is inappropriate and unwanted - especially at the workplace. Also note &quot;he believes himself&quot;, he isn't even officially diagnosed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;he just grins and says &quot;I know, I'm a terrible person.&quot; and makes a big joke out of it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let him make a joke of it. If he says that, do not engage with this behaviour. Do not laugh along, do not smile. You want him to know that you think this is not funny and that you want him to take this seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Listen , this is not a joke to me. You are actually hurting people and the working atmosphere with this behaviour. Can you please stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exclude the &lt;em&gt;please&lt;/em&gt; when this comes up again and again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;he will make it very obvious he is hurt that I won't make every effort to involve him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whoa, what? You don't make &lt;strong&gt;every&lt;/strong&gt; effort to involve him? So your life mission is now to be the caretaker of this person? Hell no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can not let your life be determined by this guy and if you feel that he would not be a good fit for a personal event then you don't have to invite him. If he asks for a reason you can tell him that in the past he has caused people to have bad experiences because of his behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should of course give him a chance to redeem himself but make it clear what behaviour you do not want to see from him (comments on other peoples behaviour or abilities). If he 'misbehaves' just take him to the side and tell him that behaviour like this is exactly what you mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is unreasonable, you do not invite him for the next events. When asked why, tell him the truth. He makes the whole event a bad experience for multiple people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He clearly has an understanding of what it means to be hurt by being excluded so you can use this to explain to him how he makes people feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Remember when I did not invite you to X? Well that's how [other person] feels when you say things like that about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5534" LastEditorUserId="5534" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T11:40:21.140" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T11:40:21.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10420" CreationDate="2018-02-13T09:42:07.393" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;AK_is_curious already gave a brilliant answer regarding handling your coworker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I've got a hunch that this (as in so many cases here on IPS) mostly revolves around your own feelings and attitude. You want to make him behave politely without making him feel bad - because you're a nice and compassionate person. But the answer very likely is that it's just not possible to make him change his behaviour without giving him some negative feedback and feelings about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's face it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he basically drove home the point that he thought my boyfriend was stupid &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;my boyfriend is seen as a mutual punching bag to bond over&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I know, I'm a terrible person.&quot; and makes a big joke out of it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;will guilt trip me while making a joke about it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He acts like a dick on those occasions. But you still feel bad about confronting him about it.&#xA;As long as he gets away with acting like a dick and feeling great about it, he won't change - and he'll continue to offend people. Sooner or later he &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt; some boundaries to help him become a better person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; need to be the person to give him those boundaries - but if you feel compassionate, you may just as well do it. If you don't feel compassionate, it's also OK to just avoid him as far as possible in the future and just keep a professional work relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I would like to tell him he shouldn't make fun of someone I care about, and for him to take it seriously with no joking and guilt-tripping.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your sentence comes with an asterisk: &quot;*But without making him or me feel bad about it!&quot; And my guess is: you just can't. He &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; to feel bad about it to some degree, because otherwise he won't have any incentive to change his behaviour. And you likely &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; feel bad about it, because you were taught it's not polite to point people's rudeness out to them or to be confronting in any way or to cut people out. But the latter part is the part you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; change. You can &quot;allow&quot; yourself to set healthy boundaries and enforce them. You can realise and keep telling yourself that &lt;em&gt;his own&lt;/em&gt; behaviour is the source of his problems. You can realise and keep telling yourself that your boyfriend deserves better than being used as a bonding device.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setting boundaries is something you can get used to, and it gets easier with practice. AK_is_curious already answered how you could do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T12:33:52.237" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T12:33:52.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10426" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10420" CreationDate="2018-02-13T10:05:50.507" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(Read: coworker is harmless, married, and acts more like he's my age.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am glad you put that in there because I was not getting that from the rest of your post. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You describe a guy ten years older then you, becoming friendlier, letting you in on personal parts of his life and belittling your boyfriend. I am seeing a guy here that at best is having a midlife crisis, and at worse is hoping to replace your boyfriend for a weekend or two. Who knows. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone suggested that you exclude please next time, I would suggest exclude everything except a contemptuous &quot;How Dare You?&quot;. Should take care of anymore snide remarks about your boyfriend and squash any embryonic fantasies he may or may not be indulging in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T10:05:50.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10428" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-13T10:42:01.620" Score="46" ViewCount="23573" Body="&lt;p&gt;My haircuts - here in Manhattan -  are &lt;em&gt;expensive&lt;/em&gt;; if you care to have a hairstyle at all, and not just a quick shave with clippers at the barber shop, then the minimum cost is about $55 dollars, which is what I currently pay.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Other stylists in my neighborhood charge $60, $80, and even $100 for a haircut.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, while blowdrying my hair and catching up with my roommate, Michael, he told me that he pays $55 for his haircuts but &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; leave a tip for his stylist.  His reasoning was simply that the haircut was already so expensive that he couldn't justify giving them any more money.  Surprisingly, they have never demanded a tip from him, even though here in New York it is customary to tip 15 - 20 percent of your bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to stop tipping my stylist the 20 percent, too -- maybe not as drastic as giving &lt;em&gt;no tip&lt;/em&gt;, but more like ... reduce the tip to about five dollars, at most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to my stylist that I am reducing her tip from&#xA;  20ish percent (15 dollars, typically) to five dollars, without&#xA;  upsetting her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been going to this stylist for many years now; she's very familiar with my hair and always gives great recommendations, but I have always thought that I was overpaying for my haircuts - and now I wish to save some cash.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T11:10:26.753" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T18:07:23.937" Title="How to significantly reduce my hairstylist's tip, without upsetting her?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;bad-news&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10428" CreationDate="2018-02-13T11:27:27.237" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reducing your tip will be noticed by the hairdresser, and &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you can't prevent upsetting or offending them.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; You've given them more for quite a while (as your question seems to suggest) and reducing this amount will be noticed, and might be seen as an indication that their services are less appreciated or have become worse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to go through with it, &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; 'communicate' this at all up front. &lt;strong&gt;Just leave the 5 dollar tip next time.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not being familiar with tipping culture, I did some googling. &lt;a href=&quot;https://getbevel.com/bevelcode/grooming-tips/tipping-culture&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here's&lt;/a&gt; an exellent article on tipping barbers in the USA: it says that for a regular, scheduled appointment, 5 dollars is more than enough of a tip:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Preval says offering a $5 tip is appropriate for a regularly scheduled appointment, but you might increase the tip to $20 or 20 percent of your particular service during the holiday season.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.tripadvisor.com/Travel-g191-s606/United-States:Tipping.And.Etiquette.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;trip advisor&lt;/a&gt; states that a tip of around 10 percent is normal for hairdressers. Given what you're paying without tips, I think to leave a 5 dollar tip next time if you were having a regular scheduled appointment would fall in the range of tipping enough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, apparently New York is more expensive, since you mention a minimum of 15 percent tip. You should be aware that 5 dollars will be too little of a tip if that number is correct (for which I could find no credible sources). If that is the case, I would lower your tip to be no less than the bare acceptable minimum over there, were you to proceed with this, to avoid further offense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Counting heavily on the professionalism of the hairdresser, the worst thing I can imagine is that they might give you a weird look at the decrease in their tip. The best way to handle that is to just shrug it off. Leave the store, and don't waste words on it. Don't try to excuse the lower tip, don't mention your feeling that you're already overpaying by paying 66 dollars for a haircut. Just leave the tip and leave the store. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If the hairdresser really is rude enough to bring it up&lt;/em&gt;, I'd go with a one-liner like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'Sorry, money's become tighter lately, I still appreciate the service a lot, but that's all I can spare'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will let them know that you still value their services like before, that the decrease in tip money isn't meant to be taken as a personal offense. It hopefully also shuts down the conversation because asking more would be prying and even more rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T18:55:47.300" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T18:55:47.300" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10428" CreationDate="2018-02-13T13:08:09.940" Score="104" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are going to upset them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For years you have been visiting this person, paying the same amount for the same service. Now you are wanting to cut their tip in half because you found out your friend stiffs their hairdresser. There is no way to present this to your hairdresser that isn't upsetting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moralizing aside you can't randomly start paying someone less for the same work and expect them not to be upset about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T17:00:32.293" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T17:00:32.293" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10433" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10428" CreationDate="2018-02-13T14:09:13.413" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You cannot reduce their tip without it being a direct insult, and why wouldn't they be insulted?  You are literally saying &quot;You are not worth what I have been paying&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're friend is doing is essentially theft of services, albeit a legal theft.  Any industry that relies on tips, relies on tips.  Your hairdresser is getting nothing NEAR that $55 dollars per haircut and is probably making somewhere close to minimum wage plus tip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't go to an expensive steakhouse, get upset about how expensive it is, then stiff the waiter because you don't like the prices.  You go to a restaurant you can afford, then tip appropriately.  The same thing applies for a hairdresser.  You don't go to a 100 dollar hairdresser and stiff them, you go to the 50 dollar one and give them a good tip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T14:09:13.413" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9750" CreationDate="2018-02-13T14:16:58.057" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even though your office door is generally open, it is still a door and you can make use of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the appointment is concluded and either as you make your closing pleasantries or as they are almost done gathering up their gubbins, walk to the door and place one hand on it and extend the other towards them. You don't really need to touch them but you make the gesture as a mix of offer of assistance if needed, invitation to go where you are, ie by the door. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should be all the irresistible cues most people need to get up and moving, but the hand on the door &lt;em&gt;as if you are going to close it after them&lt;/em&gt; should subliminally reinforce that you have other things to be getting on with and their tenancy of your space is up.&#xA;From your sketch I read it that you would put your right hand on the door and gesture with your left. If it is appropriate to the relationship you have with them, and only if, you might tough their elbow or shoulder lightly as they pass, a vestigial motion of assistance. Otherwise you might let go of the door to shake their hand, but the orientation of the door and chairs would make that a slightly awkward move, in which case raising your right hand in a slight parting wave as you turn back to your desk may work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an afterthought, a prop you can add to this to emphasise that the door represents the threshold to your private space is to have a door wedge (even if it doesn't need it) then if someone is dragging their heels beyond your tolerance, you can make a small show of moving the wedge so that it becomes more obvious that all that is stopping the door from hitting them where the good Lord etc... is your goodwill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T14:59:51.043" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T14:59:51.043" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10435" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-13T14:35:11.630" Score="6" ViewCount="2317" Body="&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I fear I've come across quite poorly. I get on well with these particular cleaners and none of the below is meant as a demand, but rather a favour. There are places to sit and talk just 5m down the hall; I am looking for a way to politely request that they consider moving down to hall, as a favour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm currently living in university accommodation and just outside my door there's a rather large windowsill and every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning the housekeeping like to sit on the windowsill and have a chat before starting work. The trouble is that they start this conversation at around 8am and it continues for a good hour, now in fairness to them they are clearly trying to keep it down (usually whispering) but unfortunately there's a reasonably large gap between the door and the door frame so I am still able to hear them fairly loudly. It doesn't usually wake me up, but it does sometimes if they're laughing particularly loudly. I set my alarm for 8:45am, so if I wake up half an hour early for whatever reason even if they're whispering it keeps me up and I can't put earplugs in lest I sleep through my alarm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also somewhat uncomfortable as the toilet is even closer to the door than my bed, so if I can hear them whispering from my bed they can certainly hear me using the toilet in the morning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also a little puzzled as to why they get into work so early and use this spot. As I said they are chatting for a good hour in the morning and it's not exactly as if my room is on the way to anywhere; it's right in the corner on the third floor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's certainly not the end of the world, but I would guess I lose about 20 minutes of sleep a day whilst they're there and it makes my morning just a little less comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anyway I can politely inform them of the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12733" LastEditorUserId="12733" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T12:34:53.083" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T12:34:53.083" Title="How to politely inform university accommodation housekeeping that their morning chats are waking me up?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10435" CreationDate="2018-02-13T14:52:48.600" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure where you are located (a country tag would help that) but in the US, generally between 8 am and 10 pm is considered normal time to carry on with daily activities and times outside that are considered &quot;quiet time&quot;.  There's an hour flex in there were people get annoyed and before 7 am and after 11 pm is when people consider noise to be excessive.  Many municipalities have noise ordinances (for things like using jackhammers) and those restrict start times to 7 am or later.  So, to me, 8 am is not out of bounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they were having loud conversations at 6:30, that would, to me, be unacceptable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I struggle to find what they are doing that's considered &quot;unacceptable&quot;.  They're not starting at an unreasonable hour; they're not talking loudly (except for laughter) and it doesn't last long. Granted they're doing it not far from your door and you can hear them so it's an irritant to you and it costs you 20 minutes of sleep.  Put it in perspective: when you finish school, at 8 am you'll most likely already be at work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of interpersonal skills is realizing the place of self and others.  Personally I think that the idea of claiming the space with a fake chess game is rather passive-aggressive and denies people who take care of your building a space that they have a right to be in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;i'd suggest a totally different tactic here.  I'd suggest getting to know these folks.  You would be surprised at their stories and may meet some pretty amazing people.  You may even find that their conversations are a blessing to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T20:19:28.470" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T20:19:28.470" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10428" CreationDate="2018-02-13T14:54:12.830" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you do not mind telling a white lie, use one to proactively address the issue and cushion the blow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few years ago I was going through a divorce and bankruptcy, and I had to stop tipping my stylist completely for a year or so.  We always talked when I was there so she knew what was going on in my life, and when I first paid without a tip I apologized with the explanation &quot;money is really tight for me right now.&quot;  She didn't bat an eye at that, and why would she?  Financial situations change for people all the time, sometimes tragically, and a tip is an optional bonus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your situation is different in that you are choosing to pay less, but depending on how intimately your stylist knows your life, paying your bill along with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry.  Due to a recent [job change]/[home reno]/[business I'm&#xA;  starting]/[financial troubles] money is really tight right now.  I&#xA;  still think you're a fantastic stylist, but I just can't afford to tip much&#xA;  for the foreseeable future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alter the tone to match your personality and your relationship with your stylist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my eyes this can be justified as the purpose of a tip is to incentivize and reward good work and let the service provider know how they are doing.  Tips are an integral and valuable part of our service industry and help improve performance and service.  A smaller tip for good work without explaination would be counterproductive in the larger scheme of things.  This white lie communicates the relevant truth (quality of their performance) more clearly and helps avoid confusion for your stylist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to avoid being dishonest, especially considering the upkeep it requires for future interactions; it's generally not nearly worth it.  However, as other answers noted, I'm not sure that there is any other way to achieve the goal you have presented of both decreasing the tip and avoiding upsetting her.  So in terms of what this means for you, you'll need to decide if the cost of lying is outweighed by the value of the tip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2485" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T14:54:12.830" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10420" CreationDate="2018-02-13T15:12:05.557" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your TLDR is very misleading. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are describing, in essence, someone who is flirting with you and being hostile to your boyfriend. By being open to him you encourage this behavior (&lt;em&gt;... spend social time at his house ..&lt;/em&gt;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A marriage ring and 10 years of seniority does not make a person harmless! Respecting your boundaries and your friend does! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would strongly think about limiting contact to that person to polite-professional. Don´t react to jokes or guilt-trips about that. He will eventually go away when he sees you are no longer interested in him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T15:26:35.177" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T15:26:35.177" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10440" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10490" CreationDate="2018-02-13T15:22:19.010" Score="31" ViewCount="10163" Body="&lt;p&gt;So my regular plumber who has serviced my boiler for several years has become quite unreliable lately (hard to get hold of and book) and I’ve booked someone else to do the annual service this year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My regular plumber text today asking when they can come do the service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a good way to tell them I don’t need them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to make sure they understand I’ve already booked an alternative plumber and I’m not changing it but I don’t want annoy them in case I need them in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2356" LastEditorUserId="1590" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T19:21:31.260" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T09:05:02.310" Title="How to tell my usual plumber their service isn’t needed any more?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10420" CreationDate="2018-02-13T15:43:38.800" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If a person bullies you or someone you care about as a &quot;joke&quot;, you ask them to stop (especially repeatedly), and they keep going, it was never a joke. It's just a more socially acceptable way for them to say how they actually feel. I don't believe that he thinks highly of your boyfriend. You should believe what he's saying to you point-blank, which is how he thinks your boyfriend is an idiot. Would you want to be nice to someone who thinks your boyfriend is an idiot, and what's more, tells you as much? Cold, professional, and polite is the way to go here. No more outside of work socializing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I didn't realize that you hadn't already asked him to stop. Try some of the suggestions above, and if he doesn't stop or tries to keep deflecting, then I stand by what I said above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12734" LastEditorUserId="12734" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T15:54:46.247" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T15:54:46.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10440" CreationDate="2018-02-13T15:45:57.877" Score="87" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think it hurts to let them know why you booked with someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We'd have booked with you but we really couldn't get hold of you. I'm certainly happy for you to take it on next year if you are going to be more contactable again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like that allows for an interpretation that their uncontactability was an aberration, perhaps down to personal matters and that if you are assured that's in the past things can get back to normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T10:47:56.470" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T10:47:56.470" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10444" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10428" CreationDate="2018-02-13T15:58:32.017" Score="185" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Just don't&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're paying $15 as a tip on a $55 hair cut, that's a total of $70 per haircut. You've flat out said other hairstylists are charging &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; than that for the same basic work. Except this girl knows you, what you like, what looks good on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're looking at risking this mutually beneficial relationship over 10 bucks a haircut. In Manhattan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If you have to, stretch it out&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to save money on it without hurting any business relationships here, just stretch out how long you go between visits. If you're currently going once every four weeks (for an average of $18 a week) stretching it to every five weeks would get you more bang for your buck ($14 a week.) Compare this to keeping the same frequency with a smaller tip ($60 every 4 weeks is $15 a week) and you'll see you save even more money, don't have to risk a new stylist, and don't have to hurt anyone's feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1633" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T15:58:32.017" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10428" CreationDate="2018-02-13T16:08:55.190" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two basic models for the hair business. Either your stylist works for the salon/shop directly and makes roughly minimum wage plus tips, or they rent a booth and are an independent contractor. In both cases, here in the US, hairdressers rely heavily on tips. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also worth noting that the tools they're using on the job are really very expensive and that they have to buy all of their tools out of pocket, regardless on whether they work for the salon directly, or rent a booth/chair. They may just look like scissors to you, but there's a very good chance that those scissors cost them several hundred dollars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also worth noting that hairdressers are one of the few skilled trades that require schooling, and regular licensing, yet still rely on tips.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For hairdressers that work directly for a salon/shop, and receive a minimum wage, their check pretty much covers their income taxes and if they're lucky a little extra to &quot;take home&quot; (more realistically, to cover the cost of tools, license, etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For hairdressers that rent a booth/chair and work as an independent contractor, they're usually paying an awful lot for that space. They're effectively running a small business, they have to rent the space, pay for all tools and products, put money away for their own taxes, cover all their own insurance costs, and so on and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I mention all of this because people seem to think that all tipped jobs are created equal. They're simply not. For example wait staff don't have to pay for education, tools, and licenses.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep all of that in mind, it may help you rationalize tipping a bit more. Also your slightly larger tip helps to cushion the blow of all the people, like your friend, who stiff their hairdresser.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you haven't put it together yet, I'm saying that you shouldn't reduce your tip. This has been a frame challenge intended to address some common misconceptions about how the industry works.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T16:08:55.190" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10435" CreationDate="2018-02-13T17:00:41.027" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;The next time they wake you up, pop your head out, greet them with a good morning, and briefly explain in a calm, friendly tone (and a smile on your face),&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, do you guys mind chatting down the hall in the common area? I can still kind of hear you through the door and I'm trying to catch up on some sleep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will hopefully get them to realize that their location isn't actually as private as they thought. If they are back at that spot the next time, you can poke your head out again and give them a follow up reminder such as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Morning, still trying to sleep a bit. Mind heading to the common area again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't change their pattern of behavior after this point you may need to continue with the reminders until they do, move onto something more assertive, or accept it as apart of dorm life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since they're whispering, they are aware that it is a &quot;quiet time&quot; and most likely don't realize they are bothering anyone. This is a college dorm so the quiet hours are unique, IMO. My dorm stayed pretty quiet until 10 am &lt;em&gt;at least&lt;/em&gt; on weekdays (it is full of college kids who stay out and up all hours of the night). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T17:00:41.027" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10448" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10440" CreationDate="2018-02-13T19:32:05.020" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it is as simple as: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have already booked service with another plumber.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This a busy plumber. They don't want any fluff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T19:32:05.020" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10428" CreationDate="2018-02-13T20:31:57.273" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;One way you can try to approach this is to imagine that your boss found out that someone does a similar job to you, but for less money and now wants to discontinue Christmas/Retention bonuses (or demands more work if the position is exempt from overtime pay etc) as the result, while still expecting the same quality from you. Now just try to imagine what sort of phrasing would placate &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; in such situation and say the similar thing to your hairdresser&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see yourself in place of person receiving the bad news it is a lot easier to figure what might be considered &quot;offensive&quot; and what would be seen as more &quot;proper&quot; reason&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="2002" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T20:47:31.877" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T20:47:31.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9467" CreationDate="2018-02-13T21:14:56.100" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I to have had problems of a little fear of failure with people and things. I used to keep this on my refrigerator, it helped;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;The person who succeeds is not the one who holds back, fearing&#xA;  failure, nor the one who never fails... but rather the one who moves&#xA;  on in spite of failure. Far better to dare mighty things, to win&#xA;  glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank&#xA;  with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much because&#xA;  they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory or defeat.&#xA;  Author: Teddy Roosevelt&quot; — Theodore Roosevelt&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Early in his life TR met the love of his life, married her, started a family and then she died young. His mother died the same &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/theodore-roosevelts-wife-and-mother-die&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;day(2/14/1884)&lt;/a&gt;. Distraught he left the children with relatives, gave up politics and moved to ranch in  the Dakota territories. He stayed there for some years. TR knew the grey twilight not wanting to go through the pain of defeat and loss again, and somehow he overcame that to go on to become the TR we all know about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This quote truly comes from the kind of wisdom that only those of deep personal experience can say with conviction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then of course there was his cousin Franklin, whom said wisely &quot;The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastEditorUserId="12720" LastEditDate="2018-02-13T21:51:42.830" LastActivityDate="2018-02-13T21:51:42.830" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10454" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-14T05:58:33.490" Score="13" ViewCount="1400" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in my mid twenties, recently graduated (2 years ago), single, living alone, and working professionally. I am not a very open person. I keep my personal life, professional life, family life, and friends-circle very separate from one another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents have an empty nest now. I have four siblings, making there 5 children of my parents in total. I am one of only two that live nearby my parents. Occasionally, they like to drive over and visit with me, especially since I am one of the very few children they can easily physically meet up with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love the opportunity to spend time with my parents, at least in principle, and usually in practice. There is nothing overtly unhealthy about our relationship, they are very respectful parents and I believe I reciprocate that. Time doesn't stop for anyone, and after my grandparents passed away, I realized I don't want to take my parents for granted while I have them, or squander opportunities to bond with them while we share existence together. Therefore almost every time they ask if I'm open to them swinging by for dinner, I accept happily. The problem arises on these occasions, when we get together to bond and relate to one another. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way this usually plays out, we pick a place to eat, and then eat and catch up. The problem I have is that I feel like I don't have a lot to share with them, or perhaps I don't have a lot I am willing to share with them. I can keep the conversation going for some time by querying and letting them share their lives, but when I come up with scraps in return, I think it is starting to stand out now, and it is a bit awkward. I can tell they are starting to notice it, but don't fully understand it yet, because they misunderstand. For example on the last occasion, my mom followed up the visit with an sms concerned that they chilled the conversation by offending me somehow (not the case, and I assured her so).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So what is it I'm asking?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what 'the solution' looks like.. I don't know if there is something I should say, or a behavior I should change, or there's nothing that can be done, or even something else. So overall, it is difficult to distill this into a pointed question.. Whatever it is though, the following are what I am hoping to accomplish:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to be able to relate to my parents in a casual, fun, and relaxing way. I want to be able to bond with them regularly. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't want to be the cause of any awkwardness or feelings of estrangement.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to maintain the boundaries in my life (not at all costs, but just as a strong preference I have for some reason (I am not even certain why I am this way, I just am))&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I do?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the concern about estrangement is key... I'm not looking for ways to &lt;em&gt;excuse&lt;/em&gt; discussion of topics, or even excuse the obscurity. They don't ask pointed questions that I need to explicitly decline. They don't even know what they don't know.. All I think they really know by now is, I don't share a lot, I'm not very open, and there has clearly got to be more to my life than I volunteer to them. Some people may think that unreciprocated openness is a problem... ...and I can't decide. Our relationship has been fine &lt;em&gt;up to&lt;/em&gt; this point, but if they truly start to suspect/realize they have a very small share of me, will they feel estranged? and will it weaken our relationship in their eyes (even though it has been the same and strong as ever in my own)? Is a relationship like this fair, or is it on unequal footing? Have I been in the wrong this way, or is this normal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People have requested I make this a little more concrete. To elaborate on some examples of dried up or dead conversation ends:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My workplace is great, but the work itself is rather mundane. Work is normally a safe bet for getting a conversation off the ground among strangers, but among people I am close with, I personally just don't get any enjoyment or find any interest in going on about it. It feels to be a tedium and a drag, elaborated just for politeness.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In my personal time I have a number of hobbies. e.g. I game, I draw, I write... but circumstantially, each of these are either things they have an express lack of interest in (the particular games I play) or I am 100% not interested in sharing even the existence of (drawings, written works)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I spend time with friends and we have good fun doing things together, but again, circumstantially, the vast majority of this I'd rather maintain in a completely exclusive sphere from my parents. They do not know any of my friends, or what I do with them even if they did know them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We occasionally talk about other family members during catch up, but this is kind of cheating because we all have contact with the family as much as one another, and it only serves as a (weakening) distraction from the fact I am not sharing about my own life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It has occurred to me that maybe we should find some kind of activity to share instead of just a meal and conversation. We haven't talked about that in years, and it might be a viable route to reconsider, but at least the last time we considered it (years ago) we just couldn't think of anything we would all really enjoy together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We have had very fun and engaging spiritual discussions before, in part because they are dedicated Christians and I fell very very much away from that. Over the years this has basically dried out though. Philosophically there is no further anyone is likely to be convinced. I have no spiritual life of my own to share. Occasionally they have an interesting bit of their own spiritual life to share, but again, it's one sided (them sharing, not me).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully this helps and I apologize for not including it in the original post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5398" LastEditorUserId="5398" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T07:06:08.333" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T07:06:08.333" Title="How to bond with my parents when I'm not especially open" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10454" CreationDate="2018-02-14T06:28:01.827" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest you talk to them about the issues you explained here. I think it is perfectly alright that you decided there are things you like to share and others you like to keep private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A problem might be that your parents (and maybe also other people) think that you have some BIG secrets which you want to keep away from them. Like maybe you are trans but you don't dare to talk about that (it's just an example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you tell them something like: &lt;strong&gt;You enjoy that they visit you and you like to talk to them but you just don't want to share everything. And there is nothing really big that you want to hide.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess they want to know that you are alright. And if they know you are just a private person that should be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem might be that they might think you are not alright and have problems and don't want to talk about this. Make sure you tell them this is not the case so that they don't worry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time maybe you decide you want to share more. But that should be entirely up to you without pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T06:28:01.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10454" CreationDate="2018-02-14T07:10:30.323" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all understand that this is a very common thing with all people in the mid-20's and yes, this is &lt;strong&gt;normal&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, I appreciate that you want yourself to change and in itself is a big reason for you to cheer up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can relate directly to with your issue because I was just like you. I used to find myself in awkward situations like the one you mentioned more often than not. I used to really get frustrated with myself whenever this happened because I never wanted, not only my parents, but also my friends and others around me, to sense something wrong about me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to help you in the simplest way possible. Take a deep breath and relax, accept that it's not a crime to be the way you are. It's you so no need to fight yourself to change. If you want change, it'll come to you - you're going in the right direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll be as brief as possible. Don't think of the below steps as a strict algorithm, a test or some complex procedure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just let it go, it's good that you meet up with your parents and have a good time. Consider yourself very lucky and grateful for this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To whom are you the most attached to: your Mom or Dad or any one of your siblings? Talk to them about &lt;strong&gt;this and the way you feel about this&lt;/strong&gt; openly without hesitation, they're your family they'll never ever want to hurt you and mock you over this. I believe so because of your line &quot;&lt;em&gt;For example on the last occasion, my mom followed up the visit with an sms concerned that they chilled the conversation by offending me somehow (not the case, and I assured her so)&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look around you - your surroundings, everything is &lt;strong&gt;nice&lt;/strong&gt; and you have a healthy environment. &lt;strong&gt;Stay positive&lt;/strong&gt; and believe that you can be &lt;strong&gt;free&lt;/strong&gt; to talk, get along and be with the ones you &lt;strong&gt;love and care the most about&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't hesitate and try to &lt;strong&gt;hide&lt;/strong&gt; something you badly want to share with your parents just because you assume it's &lt;strong&gt;not the right time&lt;/strong&gt; and place, just say it &lt;strong&gt;normally&lt;/strong&gt; without getting conscious or uncomfortable. Your parents won't hang you for what you assume is blabbering. In fact, I'm sure even they want to &lt;strong&gt;listen to your voice&lt;/strong&gt; as badly as you want to theirs. They are parents, please know that the only thing they care the most about is their children.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let them know about your work and that you can't share everything that happens at the office normally. Call them at regular intervals and let them get used to the time at which you usually call. Be as &lt;strong&gt;open&lt;/strong&gt; as possible when you talk, but here's the catch, try to be a &lt;strong&gt;patient listener&lt;/strong&gt;. Listening is a skill which even &lt;strong&gt;professionals&lt;/strong&gt; ignore and think it's the weak that listen and the bold that talk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your parents love you and will do anything in this world to make you happy. &lt;strong&gt;Reciprocate&lt;/strong&gt;. Let them know that you feel the same about them by using simple techniques like : &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Surprise visits to your parents' and if possible siblings.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gifting is also a really good option - doesn't have to be expensive but things like a coffee mug of their favourite colour, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Write occasionally&lt;/strong&gt; if you cannot express yourself in person. I followed this approach and it brought tears of joy to my parents and we've been together since and always will be.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hugging&lt;/strong&gt; also melts the others who are offended by you or your attitude and there's no harm in apologizing during these situations.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Trust me if you follow all of this, you'll be a better person and not not only your parents but everyone around you will treat you with respect.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Always &lt;strong&gt;remember&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;&lt;em&gt;You get what you give - Karma&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. If you love your parents and &lt;strong&gt;let them know - express&lt;/strong&gt; that you do, then they'll reciprocate - It's a cycle.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is not at all brief but I couldn't stop myself from writing what I really felt, that I want to help you help yourself in being a better person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps. Cheers!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12702" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T07:58:28.907" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T07:58:28.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2018-02-14T07:31:38.797" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people have suggested to tell him the existence of the Dunning-Kruger effect. I have been and sometimes still are Joe, and what worked nicely for me is to change the &quot;I am slow&quot; thoughts for the &quot;i feel slow&quot; ones. This way you create some distance between yourself and your perception, which is a first step to stop believeing one is slow/lazy/stupid/etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are close enough to him, you can suggest he makes this change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3112" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T07:31:38.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10377" CreationDate="2018-02-14T08:38:13.430" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;May be a bit impractical, but: Fly with her on a holiday-location on the other side of the equator. Get her a window seat in the plane. If after that she still believes the earth is flat, it´s a lost cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T08:38:13.430" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10377" CreationDate="2018-02-14T10:47:33.077" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why does stuff disappear behind the horizon as you move further away on a plain or even a body of water?  That's not really a matter of belief as it is one of observation well within individual experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At any rate, your friend will have been exposed to a whole lot of arguments conflicting with her views already without being able to unsettle her.  It's not your job to do what the world cannot.  You can just put your disagreement with some of her statements on record (in order not to be used as reference) and leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12751" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T10:47:33.077" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5900" CreationDate="2018-02-14T11:23:28.260" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I've just put on headphones. I can generally tune-out most noise, but sometimes either it's someone talking in the office, or as per your situation an otherwise silent room 'broken' by someone shuffling about, packing/unpacking their bag, sniffing (or blowing their nose), coughing, or whatever else that I'm not really sure you can ask someone to stop doing. In all such cases, I've found some headphones and something you like to listen to really helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since having kids, I've discovered the wonders of the 'white noise app' - playing that (even quietly) can 'drown out' pretty much anything for me, even more so with some noise-cancelling headphones. Handy if music is also distracting (which some times it is, even for me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually talking to people is probably a more 'positive' thing to do, but I find having to do it distracting (I'm guessing as you're asking how to do it, you don't find it an easy thing to do, and so presumably distracting too?). Just slipping on headphones is less hassle ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4960" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T11:23:28.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10377" CreationDate="2018-02-14T12:35:45.387" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a cold, so you get a super-sized word salad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I effectively approach presenting her with opposing facts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You got to be more subtle than simply present facts. Read: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-convince-someone-when-facts-fail/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to Convince Someone When Facts Fail&lt;/a&gt;. In case of TL/DR I will make a quick summary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The more a fact challenges our world view (or worse, religion or identity), the harder it is to accept it.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;View this as investment: if we invested a large part of our time and/or identity into something, acknowledging it is wrong means all this investment is lost, and that feels bad. If the belief is part of our identity, then we have to kill a part of ourselves, which is painful. Thus we choose the easier way out: ignore it, rationalize it away, shoot the messenger, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galileo_affair&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Galileo&lt;/a&gt;. He didn’t just challenge the Church’s worldview, but also their power. This ended with him having a chat with the Inquisition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: it is difficult to convince someone they are in an abusive relationship, and often they will defend the abuser. Facing the truth would require lots of effort and pain: acknowledging that they wasted X years of their life in a toxic relationship, that they love someone who is toxic, then breaking up, being single, etc. Also realizing they have agency and could end it at any time can paint them as a consenting victim instead of a defenseless victim. So the easy way out is to deny everything and hold on to the hope that it will be fine someday. It's logical in its own way, but results in more suffering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The backfire effect &quot;in which corrections actually increase misperceptions among the group in question.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Logical consequence of the above. If you challenge their identity/worldview, they may reinforce it as a defense mechanism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: an Apple fanboy purchases a $2700 laptop, which then dies because of bad &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7XSckjRPo0#t=4m00s&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;design&lt;/a&gt; or inadequate weatherprooging. At this point, if I laugh and remind them that my 5 year old Thinkpad which is spill-proof and dented all over the place from various falls still works fine, and is cheaper, more practical and just as powerful than their piece of junk, they will simply get pissed, fangirl over Apple for 20 minutes, and purchase another $2700 piece of garbage because owning Apple makes them &lt;em&gt;special&lt;/em&gt;. It's identity, it is completely irrational, good luck challenging it. Also it is a social status symbol (see below) which signals their belonging to a smarter class of discriminating geniuses, so its performance doesn’t actually matter. Fashion accessories are not judged by CPU power.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you are an Apple sheep, you should be angered by the above paragraph and inclined to shoot me, and thus not inclined to hear about how the Thinkpad is a much better engineered product. Thus not only did I fail to convince you, but I also reinforced your pro-Apple bias. This is a quick example of how not to convince someone. (Side note: customers are in an abusive relationship with Apple. They will blame themselves when their junk hardware fails due to bad engineering. For example if their phone doesn't take calls, it's because they're &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.engadget.com/2010/06/24/apple-responds-over-iphone-4-reception-issues-youre-holding-th/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;holding it wrong&lt;/a&gt;, not because the designers put the antenna in the wrong spot. Gaslighting, anyone?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Among her beliefs, &lt;strong&gt;challenge the one that will least upset her worldview and identity&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't set out to demonstrate that her father is a nutcase, that's too big a challenge, it’s a direct attack on her family. Instead, pick something really tiny. The more insignificant, the better. You know her, so it's up to you to choose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides, you say she is the only one her father talks to about this (which is unsurprising). This may mean that he wants to keep her that way, in order to have an audience, and you will have to indirectly fight his influence. At some point you will have to help her realize that she can still get along with her father without believing all his theories. Tread lightly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also have to pick a belief that you can actually challenge. So, on to part two, about how to disprove conspiracy theories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't prove something doesn't exist. It is well known that politicians are actually &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/10/how-spot-reptilians-runing-us-government/354496/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;reptilian aliens wearing skin suits&lt;/a&gt;! Actually, bugmen are way cooler, so it’ll be &lt;a href=&quot;http://meninblack.wikia.com/wiki/Edgar_the_Bug&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;bugmen&lt;/a&gt;. If you catch one and dissect it though, it 'll probably be just a human. That does disprove the assertion “all politicians are bugmen” but doesn’t disprove “some politicians are bugmen in skin suits”.  You just caught the wrong one, it was a fluke, the real ones are still out there! And since they’re part of the super-duper-secret conspiracy that rules the world, then by definition, you don’t know which ones. They’re hidden in a secret bunker under Area 51, and you can’t prove it doesn’t exist unless you dig a very deep hole. And even if you dig, the tinfoils will say you dug in the wrong place. I can feel their mind &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JRLCBb7qK8&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;control waves&lt;/a&gt; sneaking into my brain!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/TFKzM.gif&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/TFKzM.gif&quot; alt=&quot;enter image description here&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, don't challenge &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.logicallyfallacious.com/tools/lp/Bo/LogicalFallacies/178/Unfalsifiability&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;unfalsifiable&lt;/a&gt; beliefs right now. It is better to challenge an easily falsifiable claim. For example, flat earth: there is only one earth, which dodges most of the “all are/some are” silliness above. Also, we know where it is. It is a positive, thus provable/falsifiable. And &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eratosthenes#Measurement_of_the_Earth&amp;#39;s_circumference&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Eratosthenes&lt;/a&gt; did it with a stick, so you should be able to do it. Stock up on arguments online first. Basically, first understand who you are convinced that the earth is not flat, using observable facts and not argument of authority. These days a simple argument would be the existence of satellites. Having her explain how to hang a satellite in the sky above a flat earth should be an interesting question, depending how gravity works on a flat earth. Besides, if the aliens from the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2017/12/18/cigar-shaped-space-rock-not-alien-spacecraft-scientists-conclude/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;space cigar&lt;/a&gt; land on the wrong side of the flat earth, will they fall down? This question needs more beer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway. You can (and should) flip the script and have her try to convince you that the earth is flat. Frame it as an open-minded discussion, start on equal terms. This is a lot less aggressive than dumping arguments on her and expecting her to believe you out of authority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to pretend and act like she could convince you, so she feels you are on equal grounds. She won't be able to convince you of course, which should be enough to make her doubt this particular belief. But don't push it too far, or expect success after one conversation. If she leaves with doubts, like saying “Hm, you have a point”, she'll think about it later and this is a good thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might even make a few concessions. For example you cannot disprove that Vladimir Putin (&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-news/680721/Aliens-UFO-Disclosure-ET-Russia-Vladimir-Putin-PRG-Stephen-Bassett-REN-TV-Conspiracy-Cover&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;who is also an alien&lt;/a&gt;) secretly rules over the bugmen. So you could concede it is extremely unlikely but not rigorously impossible (this assertion is true, btw). It costs you nothing but she’ll probably like it. On second thought, astrology would perhaps be a better subject to make concessions on (it is impossible to prove it does not work after all). Or some other junk like numerology. Make sure to remind her that if you can’t prove it’s wrong, that doesn’t mean it’s actually true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be effective to teach her a bit of scientific mindset: Okay, let's seriously consider the flat earth hypothesis, have HER list arguments for and against. Time travel back in high school when you wrote dissertations. You can help, but don't act like a teacher yet. Let her weigh the arguments and try to prove/disprove them, write stuff down, etc. Your real goal is not to teach her that the earth is round, it is to teach her how to debunk the rest of her conspiracy theories by herself. Teach someone to fish, you get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have posted some information asking for facts on now 5 forums (how does the Teslas material hold up in space, how are cameras able to stream from space, etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bad choice, this one is too scientific and complicated. Also these questions are legitimate engineering questions that you don't have answers for. For example I wondered if the lithium cells pressure relief safety valves would hold in vacuum, which is not answered by handwaving. Tesla engineers probably tested all this and rmeoved anything unsafe, but you don't have proof. I posted the question here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://electronics.stackexchange.com/questions/355298/tesla-shot-into-space&quot;&gt;https://electronics.stackexchange.com/questions/355298/tesla-shot-into-space&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will be interesting to see the answers, or lack thereof.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the article I quoted gives a few hints, most of which are covered by the above approach, which leaves...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;1 keep emotions out of the exchange&#xA;  6 try to show how changing facts does not necessarily mean changing worldviews.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides the obvious (don’t get angry), the most important thing to avoid would be &lt;strong&gt;shaming&lt;/strong&gt;. This would be &quot;you're an idiot for holding such beliefs&quot; or outright laughing at her. While shaming is one of the most popular tools to make someone conform to a worldview/culture, as in telling your daughter &quot;how dare you get out dressed like that!&quot; in this case it will backfire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of shaming is to outgroup the target. Basically it is a threat of casting someone out of the safety of the tribe, onto the outside where they will be devoured by saber tooth tigers (like back in the day, you know). Its effectiveness rests on the target’s lack of other options: it’s “this society's way or the highway”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However your friend has options: she is already out of your tribe and belongs to her own conspirationist tribe which is closer knit together than yours. Thus, if you shame her, she will &lt;strong&gt;retreat back towards her tribe&lt;/strong&gt; and you will not only fail in convincing her right now, but also reduce your future chances by reinforcing the bond between her and those who enable her by feeding her wacky theories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, you can laugh at her ideas only if she laughs about them first (but make sure you laugh less than she does). And you should admit that she will laugh about some of yours at first, and you will promise not to get butthurt and whiny and defensive about that, and above all you will not  use words like “uneducated” or say “I don't understand how you can think this!”, rather say “what are the reasons behind your thinking?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The word “uneducated” hits back. Smart/educated people can be better at rejecting fake news, but they can also better rationalize fake things as true if it &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.diggitmagazine.com/blog/high-educated-digital-natives-are-not-immune-fake-news&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;confirms their biases&lt;/a&gt;, or if it makes them &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mtlblog.com/whats-happening/this-is-why-people-believe-fake-news-but-you-dont&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;feel unique&lt;/a&gt;. Many scientists pursued crackpot theories hoping for celebrity...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Obvious example: &quot;Daughter! How dare you get out dressed like that!&quot; -- Daughter is outgrouped from your tribe, but she joins another tribe, screams &quot;I'm a feminist! No slut shaming! Grrl Power!&quot; so your persuasion effort fails. Shaming tactic backfires. Same for hardcore bible thumpers trying to shame the gay away from their children: it attacks identity, thus it is worse than “not working”, it backfires, makes everyone unhappy, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another one: the Apple fanboy I quoted above. They also have another option. If you shame them, they can join the fanboys tribe where their fellow worshippers will fawn over their shiny overpriced garbage which makes them feel so warm and good and special inside. Until the next model comes out, at which point the fanboys will shame each other into buying it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This example illustrates another important point: the macbook can be an entry ticket into an exclusive social space, like “professional video editors”. Likewise, a belief can be a requirement for belonging to a tribe, and holding contrary views (even if they are true) will get you kicked out, or at least criticized. Thus is it important to start small and go slow. Challenge one simple innocuous belief, and wait for her to notice that the sky doesn’t fall on her head, and her fears of no longer belonging to her “community” were unjustified. She can still stay friends with her tinfoil buddies, still have a good relationship with her father, she simply needs to be more critical. In other words, study what James Damore did, and do the opposite. &lt;strong&gt;A huge dump of rational arguments does not work in this case.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, let’s fire the big guns: you asked for it by mentioning the name of the Orange Beast at the end of your original post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Liberals shame conservatives all the time for being all kind of deplorable uneducated redneck whatever-ists, in a misguided attempt to out-group them. Notice how this is basically doing everything wrong with respect to what I wrote above, it checks every box to trigger a massive backfiring. As expected, this causes the target of such shaming to retreat back into their own tribe, then &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/white-americans-discrimination-poll-npr_us_59f03071e4b04917c594209a&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;radicalize and respond to the perceived aggression&lt;/a&gt;, and then Trump gets elected. It's very simple. I watch it happen from the other side of the Atlantic and giggle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likewise, the worst possible thing to do if you want to convince someone is to shame them for something they can’t change about themselves (like skin color, sex, birth place, sexual orientation, and of course being an idiot). In this case, since they can't stop being what you same them for, their only two options are either to take the shame, or more likely, decide you are the problem… Thus, don't shame her because of her father: she can't change who her father is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This last example emphasizes that you’re not in this to prove her she’s wrong in order to feel good about yourself or virtue-signal, which is the wrong attitude. As you said in your question, you do it to help her, and therefore your personal feelings are less important than your mission objective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing: we tend to prefer clear-cut opinions (be they right or wrong) because they are simple, don’t need too much thinking, and many people hold the same opinions, so it is easier to join a tribe and make friends. See &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tulip_mania&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;collective hysteria&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying “I don't know” takes more effort, and alienates everyone who is absolutely sure things are one way or another… but when you don’t actually know, it is the only correct choice. This isn’t about the flat earth, but about some of the other stuff. It is likely that some beliefs she holds are simply placeholders in order to avoid answering a question with an uncomfortable “I don’t know”. So, if you don’t know about something she’s asking, don’t make a big deal out of it. Show her it’s fine to now know about something and that you don’t feel the need to invent something just to plug the hole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you convince her to switch from “secret alien bugmen rule the world” to “I don’t know who rules the world” then that’s already a good step in the right direction, perhaps next month she’ll make another step…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here’s a specific example. I’m aiming high for this one. This is the boss fight at the end of the last level!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, I present you the most famous twin conspiracy theories: in the left corner of the ring, the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-38966846&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Trump-Russia collusion&lt;/a&gt;. In the opposite corner of the ring, the other side has their own &lt;a href=&quot;http://americanactionnews.com/articles/majority-think-feds-broke-law-to-hurt-trump&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;counter-conspiracy theory&lt;/a&gt; with intricate plots involving the FBI, NSA, and possibly Jack Bauer. Both sound like Tom Clancy on LSD. Hard evidence is pretty scarce, but &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.investors.com/politics/editorials/most-think-obama-white-house-spied-on-trump-campaign-want-special-counsel-ibdtipp-poll/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;that never stopped a true believer&lt;/a&gt;, right? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it true? Who wins? I don’t know! This will take years before the jury’s out… but what I want you to do is to pick one of the two conspiracy theories (if you haven’t already) and try to picture someone trying to convince you that yours is fake news, and the other is true, definite 100% since they heard it on CNN/FOX. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should be a pretty funny (and quite challenging) thought experiment. It will also allow you to understand how she feels when you tell her the earth is round, which I think should definitely help you help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T12:35:45.387" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10377" CreationDate="2018-02-14T13:10:14.450" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing which may be relevant in whether she is receptive to hearing your arguments is &lt;strong&gt;why it matters to you&lt;/strong&gt; that she is a Flat-Earther.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you want to help her be appropriately skeptical of conspiracy theorists to protect herself from cultists? Do you think she is endangering her employment prospects? It's tedious to listen to her banging on about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever the reason, I think if you can present a scenario to her that you care about this for her sake, the sake of your friendship... whatever, rather than that you want to 'win' or 'be right' and have her admit 'being wrong', then she may be more open to hearing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T14:16:31.607" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T14:16:31.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10377" CreationDate="2018-02-14T13:47:06.067" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You want to approach the conversation using Socratic method.   That is to respond with questions, not facts and then lead from there. (generally through more questions)  If you are going to &quot;convince&quot; someone of something then they have to be the ones to decide to change their viewpoint.  As you stated, your going to do that respectfully so it shouldn't be too aggravating, she can also do the same to you and ask you questions which you can hopefully answer.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;e.g. Using the topic in your question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why can't a car exist in space?  What would stop it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do satellites also not exist, do you think satellite technology is all faked?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is they just sit there floating, does that mean you think gravity stops working at some point?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's the case, do you believe that planets orbit the sun?  What would cause this if gravity doesn't exist?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc etc.   Note its not important to convince them, its just about planting seeds of ideas, best case - it might be that they help undermine their own arguments or cause them to question auxiliary points that lead to ultimately shifting their world view.  At worst you can gain insight into some pretty colorful reasoning, which I think can be interesting in itself!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2866" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T13:47:06.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10428" CreationDate="2018-02-14T14:48:48.817" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;@corsiKa has &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10444/10711&quot;&gt;an excellent, succinct answer&lt;/a&gt; to the practical side of the matter, I just want to throw this in as an addendum that's a fair bit too long for a comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply put, &lt;strong&gt;you've been paying as much as you have for years with no obvious complaints&lt;/strong&gt;, so &lt;strong&gt;changing that suddenly will potentially ruin what is an otherwise stable arrangement&lt;/strong&gt;. When considering altering an arrangement like this, picture yourself explaining the reasoning to the other party, just as you have here. How would you feel being on the receiving end of that explanation? I won't speculate too much, but I'm willing to guess it wouldn't be a great feeling regardless of whether it makes sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are two perspectives that would cause me, personally, to avoid altering the arrangement. After that I'll provide one scenario where it might be understandable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Without any comments from you, your stylist has no idea that you feel you've been paying too much. Suddenly reducing that amount would likely be noticed, and &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; cause her to wonder why, but she will also &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; avoid asking because financial details like this are rarely discussed openly in the US. Either way it would create an awkward situation with a lot left unspoken on both sides.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just because your friend doesn't tip, doesn't mean the stylist is okay with that. Having a background in the service industry myself, I can confidently say that most workers in that position will treat you politely and professionally regardless of whether you tip well, as long as you are polite and professional yourself. They recognize everyone has different opinions on the subject and different financial means at their disposal, so naturally tips are going to vary quite a lot. They are also usually smart/courteous enough to keep it to themselves when they think someone is being a jerk. For all you know, your stylist could be seething whenever they see your friend on the books, but she's professional enough not to let that impact her work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now here's one of the only examples I can think of where it &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be okay to reduce the tip with no hard feelings. If your financial means are suddenly reduced, but you value your stylist's work so much that you'd be willing to beg forgiveness for not being able to keep up. This would be a somewhat extraordinary situation, because it would require some very specific circumstances to be acceptable to &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; people:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There simply aren't cheaper options, OR&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Taking a cheaper option would cause serious risk (maybe your job depends on your specific look?), OR&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've garnered a heck of a lot of good will with her and this wouldn't be an enormous imposition on her to accommodate (it would fall under a similar category as a &quot;friends and family discount&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If somehow you meet those criteria, then it might be okay to &lt;em&gt;discuss&lt;/em&gt; it with your stylist. But you absolutely have to discuss it openly, and be prepared to find a new one in case she doesn't share your views. Weigh the value of her services against the potential savings and figure out which means more to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short, I'd advise not doing it, unless you're ready to find a new stylist either way. It doesn't sound like the benefits would outweigh the risks, and @corsiKa already suggested far better ways to handle the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T14:48:48.817" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="468" CreationDate="2018-02-14T14:57:29.457" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Adding to the existing answer, again depending on their POS system. To make it easier for the server, be prepared. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer to come to the register, might be easier to split there rather than at the table.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If all items are just saved on the table and you need to point to the items you want to pay for, remember what you ordered so processing is fast. (Sometimes you can look at the list of items at the POS directly to help you remember.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you pay one by one to &quot;fill up&quot; the total amount (rather than per item), be sure that you know what your part cost so someone's tip does not cover for your part.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the last person gets to many items due to someone before forgetting, solve it person to person if possible (usually only small amounts, since it's the side orders or extra drink that is forgotten). Exception being if there is an error done by the server of course.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="158" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T14:57:29.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10454" CreationDate="2018-02-14T15:24:06.863" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm very much like this - or was in my 20s/30s. So some things I've learned might be helpful, perhaps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One key question is whether you &lt;em&gt;want privacy&lt;/em&gt; (to keep your stuff to yourself), or whether you &lt;em&gt;genuinely find it difficult&lt;/em&gt; to think of things of interest and &quot;opening&quot; to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can update your question with a little bit more on this aspect  I might be able to be more helpful in this reply. For the while, I'll comment on what happened to me, and try to pick out things that helped me, and might help you, in your similar situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned two main things later on in my life. The first was that I came to understand that there were some pretty good reasons that I had learned from early on, to keep myself to myself. Mainly, things got misunderstood, or deemed to be &quot;said wrong&quot; - and as a kid, I simply couldn't think of what would count as &quot;interesting&quot; to relatives. (&quot;Who did you see at school?&quot; &quot;A friend&quot;). Also, as a child, the best way to avoid a problem is not to be communicative about things that could lead to it, so even though I loved family and friends. I ended up simply finding it hard to see what could be interesting to them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second thing I learned as an adult (again for me) was that I learned to understand myself better, and learned to disclose what was going on for me. That was crucial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way it played out for me was, my parents, lovely as they are, would at times talk in a way that banged up against my hard limits - things I didn't feel I had a helpful reply to. So occasionally there were modest sparks - enough to deter some kinds of opening up. The changing point came when I became able to explain to them what they were doing that made it hard for me - and after some years they finally really started to &quot;get it&quot;, very suddenly, that their manner prompted mine. That led to a positive spiral in which I learned and became more comfortable explaining what was going on for me - that I needed space or time to reflect on sudden issues, or not to speak in an accusatory time or with unfair assumptions, that some kinds of intrusion were harder to handle, and so on. They started to learn too - that if they didn't do things that were difficult for me, then they would get better dialog and less stress, and a happier more productive outcome. It kind of spiralled on that front.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the first thing I would say is, if you don't know what to say, reassure them that its not a reflection on them, and that its just difficult to think of things, or hard under pressure, or whatever. Go up a level and describe what's going on, in the dialogue. That its not a failing on their part and over time you'd like to figure how to be more open but it might take some years. If there is anything that makes it easier or harder, try to share it. If it makes it harder if they probe, or worry, tell them so. Try to work with them at it, and educate them on what will help, if anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may take time but it sounds like you have a good family and relationship, so hopefully it will work out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main point is, if dialogue (openness) isn't working well on one level, shift to another - be open about why its being hard to be open, that its not a reflection on them, that this is what helps/hinders, or what they inadvertantly do or act which tends to trigger you clamming down, or whatever it may be. On that level you have real matters to convey, not &quot;smalltalk&quot; to figure out, and it can pay dividends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you reply or update the OP to indicate if any of this helps and which direction is more helpful, I might be able to add more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T15:24:06.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10471" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10476" CreationDate="2018-02-14T15:38:57.530" Score="3" ViewCount="681" Body="&lt;p&gt;My parents live in a different country; I get to see them once or twice a year. They are visiting me lately, and they will stay over for a month or so. My mom is a little bit sick and has to take medicine after every meal for the rest of her life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not dangerous to her life if she keeps taking her medicine and eating healthy, but lately, she eats everything and has gained a lot of weight. It's really not good for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love my mom, she is a wonderful person, and seeing her like this breaks my heart. I don't want her to get more sick and I'm very very scared of losing her because of that. I can't imagine my life without her. &lt;strong&gt;I want to tell her that I'm scared for her health and that she should eat healthy and that she should respect her diet, but I don't know how to tell her that.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that she is a sensitive person, she will not show that she's hurt even if she is and I really don't want to hurt her. How can I tell her what I described above without hurting her feelings? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt; : as mentioned in the question, I don't want to tell and control what what she eats, and even if I do, I won't be around her for a long time to do that, the question is: &lt;strong&gt;How to try to convince her to stick to her diet without hurting her feelings?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10335" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-04T16:29:34.237" LastActivityDate="2019-03-04T16:29:34.237" Title="Talking to mom about her health state" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10399" CreationDate="2018-02-14T15:52:35.007" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I lived in Denmark for a couple of years and I appreciate that the pressure to conform can be subtle and intense -- one of the most challenging things I personally have ever had to deal with.  (Which is not to say that there weren't things I appreciated greatly about life there.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note, my suggested phrasing may need some tweaking when you translate it to Swedish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Cafeteria&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The moment someone starts to tailgate you, pick up your plate/tray and take a step back, out of the line, saying, &amp;quot;Please go ahead.&amp;quot;  If he refuses, continue to serve yourself, but more slowly.  If he continues to nudge your bubble, pick up your plate/tray and move out of his way without speaking.  If you find yourself in a stalemate, stand your ground and wait.  I think he will run out of patience before you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternate approach, in case that doesn't work: when the persistent waltz has started, put your plate/tray down, stand up straight, turn toward the nudger and ask, &amp;quot;Is there a problem?&amp;quot;  He will say no, and you will get back to your serving without saying anything else.  You'll have conveyed your &amp;quot;Back off, buddy&amp;quot; message already and no debate or explanation is needed.  Your mental model could be a crowded New York City subway car.  (Not that I have had much experience with those -- but I find it a helpful mental image.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Lift&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you and others are boarding the elevator, make sure to position yourself at the front.  &amp;quot;May I step to the front, please?  I'm getting off on 4.  Thank you.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Carry a cane (even if you don't need one).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you get to your floor and the doors open:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Excuse me!  Coming out, please!  Thank you!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the lift is in motion you can use full sentences and a normal tone, but when the doors open you'll need to be more succinct and louder.  Also, you'll need more volume when the doors open.  The people boarding the lift need to hear you the instant the doors open.  Judging from your description, two words won't be enough, you'll need to keep the words flowing until the boarders step aside.  As you walk past them keep the thanking going with that same train conductor voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;General approach&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found that the pressure to conform was brought to bear through a projection of disapproval, conveyed sometimes in extremely subtle ways, such as an almost microscopic lift of one eyebrow or a stare at the forehead without real eye contact.  What you will have to do will be analogous to judo.  You'll have to flip that subtlely conveyed disapproval right back to them.  Gear yourself up with some mental indignation about insensitivity to people with a disability, but maintain politeness and distance.  Prepare your emotional armor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this vein, I do not recommend attempting to be cute or funny or initiate small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not look to these strangers for validation of your humanity or theirs.  Find other places to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T15:52:35.007" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10454" CreationDate="2018-02-14T16:11:32.830" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;(1) Prepare.  First, you need some conversation topics.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;something from the news&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;a funny anecdote&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;a book or movie or podcast you found interesting (perhaps you and your parents could be consuming some of these together, or in tandem -- e.g. you could email a link to a particular podcast you think they'd find interesting, or you could preload it on a cheap mp3 player if they aren't tech savvy; you could give or lend them a book you think they'd like)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;gossip about some mutual acquaintance&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, you need to prepare a &lt;strong&gt;question for one of them&lt;/strong&gt;.  Hold it in reserve  When you sense that the magic uncomfortable moment is about to arrive, when they are going to want the clamshell to open up with some personal news of yours, that's when you can unveil the question you had in reserve.  It has to be something they will want to talk about.  If you're not sure what question will work well, prepare several just in case the first one doesn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) Vary your activities.  Here are some ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Cooking lesson&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Attend something together: film, play, dance performance, puppet show, observatory, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Assistance with shopping for clothes or household belongings&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sightseeing&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Play a game or attend a games club together&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Go for a walk in the arboretum or a neighborhood with attractive houses or gardens&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) Take the initiative to plan some of your get-togethers.  This will help shift you out of the passive role in the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T16:11:32.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10471" CreationDate="2018-02-14T16:33:34.387" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;She's probably already aware of her health issues and diet, so this won't be a surprise to her.  There are many long-term diabetics, for instance, who go blind and/or lose limbs even though the diet is pretty straightforward (watch sugar intake, eat more vegetables, etc).  Note: I don't minimize diabetes here but use this as an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being the case, your reminding her about that won't do more than tell her what she already knows.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's important is to make her aware of the effect, not on her, but on YOU.  You can be her ally in this if she will let you. You have the basics of the conversation in your question.  &quot;Mom, I love you and can't imagine life without you.  I'm watching you harm yourself by not following your diet; it really hurts me to see that and know how it will impact me.  I want to help you with this; how can I?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, it's her choice (otherwise a lot of doctors would go out of business) so it's up to you to help her make a healthier choice.  You want her to make the choice and you to help with the results of the choice.  If you decide for her what she will eat, she's only going to resent it.  You can make it easier, however, for her to eat healthier if you allow her to help you help her do this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T16:33:34.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10471" CreationDate="2018-02-14T16:38:18.083" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If her doctor and/or nutritionist have given her a list of foods to avoid because of her high cholesterol, then make sure you don't have those foods on hand during her visits.  Follow her diet with her, without making a fanfare.  This may require doing some shopping on your own, without her or your father putting things into the cart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience this is more effective than any amount of talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: Many people find that if they get the hang of following a medically required diet for a few weeks while visiting someone, it is much, much easier to follow it also once they get back home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to influence someone's behavior is through &lt;em&gt;positive&lt;/em&gt; reinforcement, rather than through &lt;em&gt;negative&lt;/em&gt; correction.  Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mama, I'm really enjoying your visit.  I've been especially happy to have the opportunity to follow your heart-smart diet with you.  I'm enjoying learning new ways of shopping and cooking and eating, and I'm so pleased to see the effects that following the diet are having on you.  You look really good and I have the impression you're starting to feel better, too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope that your father can pick up on this positive approach and start to use it too.  He can play an extremely important role once they are home again.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honey, can you make that vegetable and tofu dish you made when (name of son/daughter) had some friends over?  I wouldn't mind having that twice a week, it was so good.  What spices and herbs did you choose for that dish?  They really made the tofu sing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, my motto is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Start somewhere.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T17:25:26.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10479" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10483" CreationDate="2018-02-14T18:01:42.267" Score="13" ViewCount="1677" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll be honest here, I've had a weird childhood. I was born to a German mother and an Indian father. I have a German citizenship, but as I moved to India when I was 2, I know the Indian culture much better than any other. I basically grew up learning to fit in with Indians. Recently my mom and I moved to the USA. From what I'd heard about from my Indian and German cousins and extended family, the culture of the US was very accepting towards other cultures, and was a global culture, unlike any other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, after living here in the US for a few months, I didn't find it to be anything like what my family had described it. Everything I'd learned up until now from my Indian and German culture is completely different from what I've experienced so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My classmates do the same things that I love doing; like playing EDM, skating at the rink, chatting on Instagram, etc. Yet, they don't talk to me in class, even when I try approaching them, or they sarcastically make fun of me and  seclude me from the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's because I'm from a different cultural background.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One example from yesterday went like this: ('Wendy' is a random name for one of my classmates who seems to hate me the most.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wendy: Hey did you guys hear that new song by Martin Garrix? (She said this to people in general.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Oh yeah! It's called 'So Far Away', right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wendy: That was, like, so last year! OMG LOL, we didn't know you're a time traveller... Probably some weird Indian magic - oh wait, she's Germo-Indian right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then everyone around laughs at me and they all move away. She clearly doesn't trust me for where I come from, and she's making it spread to all my other classmates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I do to get along, and gain their trust that I'm just trying to be friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BTW, I'm a girl, and 13 years old, from Atlanta, GA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12724" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user12724" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T23:17:33.557" Title="How to adjust to a new country and its culture when people make you feel like an outsider" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T13:55:32.897" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10428" CreationDate="2018-02-14T18:02:00.957" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your post boils down to this...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to stop tipping my stylist 20%... [reducing her tip to] five dollars, at most.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  How can I [do this] without upsetting her?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  It is now okay, because $5 is more than my roommate tips.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You can tell her that money is tight right now, and pay the tip in cash.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Better answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Go to your roommate Michael's stylist and see if you get a good cut for $55 without a tip.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If not you can return to your regular stylist without explanation. (Unless they're collocated)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My advice?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Cut the budget elsewhere - don't risk a long term relationship over $10/month.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you need to save money, find something else to cut (pun intended).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;(mentioned elsewhere with different math)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you get haircuts every 5th week (presuming 4 now) that's 2-3 fewer haircuts per 52 week year.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Which means you can add $5 to the tip&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;em&gt;still &lt;strong&gt;save&lt;/em&gt; about $125&lt;/strong&gt;/year.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't forget that finding a new stylist can mean (a) enduring some bad haircuts, and (b) dealing with a person you don't like.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(Or perhaps, unlike here, Manhattan has only good stylists ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9927" LastEditorUserId="9927" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T18:07:23.937" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T18:07:23.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10479" CreationDate="2018-02-14T19:18:12.410" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not that American culture is unwelcoming. It's not even that you're doing something &quot;wrong&quot;. It's quite simply that teenagers will be teenagers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kids seek the approval of their parents. But as we reach our teen years, we start seeking a group to identify with, and wish to gain their approval instead. Very often in high-school you'll see the &quot;cool kids&quot; group, the &quot;nerds&quot; group, the &quot;football jock&quot; group, etc. It's stereotypical, but that's exactly how it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Within those groups a hierarchy will form. And kids desperate for group approval will be mean to someone they're trying to rise above (or wish to keep below themselves) in the group hierarchy without a second (or even a conscious) though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now let's analyze your situation. You're new to the country, the school, and the culture. Some of these kids have known each other for years, and have belonged to these groups from day one of high-school. You're the outsider. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone making fun of you can be their way of establishing dominance within their own group. It happens quite often, as kids will be more driven to belong within the group than to be polite to a relative newcomer, or even other - lesser - group members. Which is why you generally see people become more aware of other's feelings, and more polite as they mature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will take time for you to figure out which group you most naturally fit in with, and that's fine. Keep being friendly to people. As a newcomer to Canada it took me well over a year to form friendships with my now best friends going on 20 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you do need to establish your own position within the school hierarchy. Some of that will happen over time, by means of you joining a group. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, another way that we all do this - even as adults - is through the way we respond to snarky comments such as the ones made by Wendy. If you snap back aggressively, you'll be labelled a bully. If you let them walk all over you, and keep quiet, they will never respect you. You'll need to strike just the right tone depending on the relationship you're looking to build with that person. It's called establishing boundaries, and it will serve you well your&#xA;whole life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wendy:&lt;/strong&gt; That was, like, so last year! OMG LOL, we didn't know you're a time traveller... Probably some weird Indian magic. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, at least I'm magical, you're just annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;HR/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the interaction you had with Wendy through the prism of group dynamics. Wendy was making small talk with her &quot;group&quot; (people in general, yes, but with the understanding that only those in her group actually engage with her): &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wendy:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey did you guys hear that new song by Martin Garrix?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You inserted yourself into the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh yeah! It's called 'So Far Away', right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you've come to her attention, and she can use the situation to improve her standing in the group:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wendy:&lt;/strong&gt; That was, like, so last year! OMG LOL, we didn't know you're a time traveller... Probably some weird Indian magic - oh wait, she's Germo-Indian right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's take a look at what she's accomplished with her comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She created a &quot;us vs them&quot; situation, where she's clearly labelled you as the outsider&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has made fun of you, and invited the group to laugh it up at your expense, which serves to increase her standing, as it's a demonstration as to how mean she could be to &lt;em&gt;any of them&lt;/em&gt;, and some of them will be a little more afraid to challenge her as a result.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do her group members experience in this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is an opportunity for some of them to feel superior to the &quot;outsider&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some of them, who might be Wendy's typical targets are happy that it's not them being picked on, and jump on the band-wagon, eager to assert membership to the group.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would take a lot of fortitude for someone to act against the group and stand by your side in this situation. However, by standing up to Wendy you'd establish that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're not afraid to stand up for yourself (aka you're not an easy victim, and picking on you won't be fun for the bully).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're not someone who belongs at the bottom of the hierarchy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point you're probably not making friends with Wendy, but others who have had run ins with her will likely see you as a good alternate person to form a group with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T19:38:11.753" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T19:38:11.753" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10479" CreationDate="2018-02-14T19:23:50.630" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Please don't expend any more mental effort trying to figure out why you are on the receiving end of this type of exclusion and negative treatment.  It's very much their problem, not yours, and the choice of victim is actually fairly random.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please make an appointment with the school social worker.  When you request the appointment with a school secretary, say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I moved here recently and am having trouble getting connected socially here in my new school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you are meeting one on one with the social worker, you can describe the specific incidents you've experienced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The social worker will have structures for helping with this, for example, s/he can incorporate you into a Lunch Bunch or an after-school group where the adults are making sure that everyone feels included.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: I am basing this answer on my acquaintance with the resources that secondary schools have in place currently in the U.S.  I currently have a child in 9th grade.  We moved recently and can relate to what you are going through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-02-14T19:32:11.210" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T19:32:11.210" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10486" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10489" CreationDate="2018-02-14T20:43:09.313" Score="57" ViewCount="12731" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend of mine who absolutely refuses to begin conversations online by just asking me what they want, and instead insists on formalities that drive me crazy. We're online gaming friends, so it's not like we have a professional relationship. For example, this conversation took place through text over Discord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Hello.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Hi.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: How are you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I'm fine, you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Five minutes later...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: What are you up to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Working on classwork.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Are you enjoying it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Sure. It's something new.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Good to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Five minutes later...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: OK. So the reason I'm messaging you...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand they are just trying to be nice, but this happens for &lt;em&gt;every conversation&lt;/em&gt; with them, constantly. Sometimes even multiple times a day. These responses aren't instant, either, so there have been multiple times where it takes 15-20 minutes for them to even get to the point where they tell me what it is they want to tell or ask me. I find this to be extremely frustrating, and it causes me to dread a message from them. It means my next 20 minutes are going to be spent getting interrupted every few moments to answer small talk. When I'm focusing on something, this is extremely annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody else I know does this. Every other person will say something like &amp;quot;Hey &lt;em&gt;name&lt;/em&gt;, can you do &lt;em&gt;thing&lt;/em&gt;?&amp;quot; or if they insist on being &amp;quot;nice&amp;quot;, will be something like &amp;quot;Hi &lt;em&gt;name&lt;/em&gt;, I hope the day is going well for you. Just checking to see if you'd like to do &lt;em&gt;thing&lt;/em&gt; later.&amp;quot; This is much more natural and quick for both of us. They get the message across, they still get to be &amp;quot;nice&amp;quot;, and I only get one notification so I'm free to answer it and get back to focusing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to come across as rude or seem controlling, but I find this behavior incredibly annoying. How can I bring this up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12479" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T09:52:41.443" Title="How do I convince someone formalities between internet friends aren't necessary over a casual, informal text chat?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10486" CreationDate="2018-02-14T21:22:13.857" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of outright attempting to convince them to skip their normal modes of communication, or expressing how annoying you find the behavior, I'd recommend you taking more control over the direction of the conversation by asking them informally what they want early on in the convo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: &amp;quot;Hey&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &amp;quot;Heyyy, what can I do for ya?&amp;quot;/&amp;quot;Hey! Whatcha need?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say these things in a friendly or casual manner (tone of voice if using voice chat, or friendly text signals such as the &amp;quot;heyyyy&amp;quot; or the exclamation point if using text chat), you can master using these as a greeting that invites them to just get to the point, without excluding them in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if they want something, they might respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: &amp;quot;Well, I was wondering if you were going to be online to play X tonight? I need someone to help me with A, B, and C.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and on the off chance they &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; need anything, they'll probably just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: &amp;quot;Nothing, just seeing what you're up to tonight.  We haven't talked in a while.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm the type of person who often doesn't talk to/hear from my friends unless they want to plan something or get together (a product of our work schedules and lifestyles).  I almost always use this greeting when someone messages me out of the blue, because I know there's probably something they're wanting to get at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often people try to make casual conversation first because they don't want to be rude and sound like they only talk to you when they need something.  They're just trying to show value in your friendship. If you give them an opening to express their purpose early on, you're basically saying &amp;quot;How can I help you?&amp;quot; and they'll usually take the easy path into transitioning to what they want to discuss with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing else, your friend might start realizing that you've changed how you're communicating with them and that you just want to get to the point. Either way, your conversations will be less stressful and drawn out for you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T21:22:13.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10486" CreationDate="2018-02-14T21:22:30.250" Score="119" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your friend is trying to indirectly ease into the conversation, hoping that you will give them a graceful entry point to their purpose, and it's only after several back-and-forth exchanges without such an entry-point that they can bring themselves to come right out with it. For some people, this is a natural way of interacting, and it is very hard to un-learn, especially if there is positive reinforcement of the behavior in other parts of life (i.e. maybe your friend's parents or boss or other important connections prefer this method of communication). You can try to discuss how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; would prefer a more direct style of texting, but I'm going to suggest that you first attempt to change the nature of the conversations yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on the conversation you have transcribed, it sounds like you are taking your friend's texts entirely at face value. If your friend is indeed looking for a graceful way to bring up their purpose, you can probably get them to cut to the chase by tweaking your responses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifically, you want to &lt;strong&gt;give them open-ended responses that suggest you are receptive to whatever they want to ask/tell you&lt;/strong&gt;. So for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Hello.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Hey, what's up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, at this point your friend will tell you why they're messaging. However, if they persist, so should you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Not much. How are you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I'm great, what can I do for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend is just really diffident about bothering you or asking for favors, this should help put them at ease enough to come to the point. However, if you go back and forth this way more than twice without your friend coming to the point, then there may be more going on and you may need to actually discuss the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T21:22:30.250" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10440" CreationDate="2018-02-14T22:12:04.273" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;You tagged this question &lt;strong&gt;assertiveness&lt;/strong&gt;. I want to go a bit further than the other commenters: the main thing for you to learn in this situation is how to become comfortable telling a service provider you no longer require their services.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, you're &quot;firing&quot; your plumber. There's no point dancing around that fact. You have a right to use any plumber you choose, and your current guy wasn't up-to-scratch (hard to get hold of, as you put it), so you found someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a pleasant thing to tell someone, so it's natural you're worried about annoying them. However, being overly concerned with being nice in situations like this might cause you pain in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can remain perfectly pleasant and civil when you tell him you've found another guy. There's never any benefit to getting aggressive, and, as you say, you might need to use him again in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, your mindset should not be &quot;how do I show this guy that I'm considerate of his feelings?&quot; or &quot;Am I sure I'm in the right? Maybe I should have given him more time, after all he's a busy guy&quot;. In a personal relationship, this might be thoughtful and considerate behaviour &amp;mdash; in a business relationship, this kind of attitude will lead to someone taking advantage of you sooner or later. (Maybe not by this guy, but by another service provider, or someone you deal with in the course of your employment.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A better mindset is: &quot;I've made the rational and justified decision to use someone who provides a better overall service. The most helpful thing I can do for the old guy is to tell him why I'm switching &amp;mdash; I needed someone who was available and responsive, and my new guy does better &lt;em&gt;on those particular things&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, you could reply to his text:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for getting in touch. Unfortunately, I've hired someone else to do the job this year. I would have hired you again but I couldn't get hold of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said above, what you say to him doesn't really matter (he'll have had this happen 100s of times), what's more important is getting comfortable being direct in these situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12763" LastEditorUserId="8540" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T09:05:02.310" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T09:05:02.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10491" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-14T23:03:23.883" Score="4" ViewCount="463" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, I reconnected with 'Jake', an friend of mine from high-school, and he mentioned that he was starting up a new band. I told him that sounds really fun, and that I would check it out. I was under the impression that he had a band already formed and playing together, and they wanted to me to check them out to see if I would be a good fit for them. Instead, it turns out they have never played together, don't know each other, and immediately assumed I was 100% on board with joining before they had met me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just attended the first practice with them for the first time earlier this week, and to be honest, it was a rather painful experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Most of the band members do not know each other, and have never played with each other before.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Most of the band members do have have very much musical experience.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Jake has very little talent, but is overconfident about his abilities and plays with way too much energy. Since he doesn't play or sing very well, he just wails on the guitar and screams in the mic.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The practice was very disorganized. No one really stepped forward to lead the band. I would have expected Jake to, since he was the one organizing it, but rather than keeping people focused, he was just playing really loud and shrill guitar parts over people talking.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, most of the music we played together was very sloppy and sounded bad.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Jake has a very loud and domineering personality. To the point where he will shut down other conversations without realizing it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like if I continued playing with this band, I'd spend most of my time teaching Jake guitar parts, and trying to get other people on the same page about what were doing. And since I dislike the sound we make, I don't know if that would be worth it to me. Also, the way he talked about writing music together and playing local gigs and things like that made me realize that he is waaaay more passionate about this group then I will ever be. I think I would be a detriment to them when they have these expectations of the band going places and I cannot possibly be excited about playing with Jake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did however get along with the rest of the band fairly well. I could even see myself playing with the drummer in the future in a different context. But I have no desire to be in this band. Unfortunately, because of not starting out on the same page, they are all under the assumption that I'm fully on board with the band, when in my mind I was just checking it out to see if it would be a good relational and musical fit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I need to tell Jake (and the other members) that I am not going to be a part of this band, but I really don't know how to say this in a tactful way. Especially because in the end it comes down to: &quot;You sound bad and I don't get along with you&quot;. (Not that I dislike Jake, I just find the way he does music very abrasive) I'm also concerned&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;it might come across as too soon to leave them after only playing with them one time. And&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The other band members might feel hurt that I don't want to play with them because of issues I have with Jake, not them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I have a few different questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell Jake that I don't want to play with them without hurting their feelings? I can beat around the bush, and say things like &quot;I'd rather focus on my other music&quot; or &quot;I'm busy with school&quot;, which are both true, but aren't really the honest reason I don't want to play with them. I'm concerned he might come back with &quot;Oh that's fine. You want to play with us this summer when those aren't issues?&quot; or something like that if I don't give the honest reason.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Should I be more honest with the other band members than Jake? I'd like to let them know that I enjoyed playing with them, and that Jake is the bigger issue. But I'm concerned that being too honest with them would feel like insulting Jake behind his back.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3335" LastEditorUserId="3335" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T01:46:16.933" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T03:16:05.500" Title="How can I drop out of a band without offending the band leader?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-02-15T07:27:00.517" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10492" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10486" CreationDate="2018-02-14T23:42:29.597" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a gamer myself, I've run into people like this before, and I usually use past gaming experiences with the other person to provide a response that quickly leads into what they're looking to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Hi!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Hey, how's it going! Did you wanna play a round of X game?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This allows them the chance to have some formalities (in response to you asking how it's going), as well as leading them into whatever gaming-related question or activity they wanted to talk to you about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I know this person from playing X game, they'd usually respond saying &amp;quot;yeah, let's play&amp;quot;. In the case that they weren't messaging about game X, they would say it's not about that, but instead about another game or some other issue, and start going into what that is. In both cases though, the conversation has some light (but not extended) formalities and gets straight to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5255" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-14T23:42:29.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10493" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10513" CreationDate="2018-02-15T02:09:48.713" Score="2" ViewCount="401" Body="&lt;p&gt;I debated back and forth for asking for advice because I feel like it's not a good enough issue and that this is pointless, but I'm going to try anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Some background:&lt;/b&gt; My mom does not like my partner of three years. She believes he has mental issues and not good enough for me. I am aware of my partner's struggles with anxiety and am comfortable with it. Obviously, it's a big step to take, but he's getting help and I am supportive. To add in some more complications, he lives four states away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last year in June, I explained that I wanted to move out to be closer with him and his family. My mom was not very happy about it. I'm 22 years old, I have savings in the bank, and, while I don't have a bachelor's degree, I have good interpersonal skills and job skills. I'm not as prepared as I could be, but I am definitely not going to end up homeless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;The major issue (of many):&lt;/b&gt; My move in date was supposed to be the 19th, but the person I'm having help me move is actually driving by on the 18th. My mother works on that day and can't get someone else to cover for her. She is livid that I would move out on a day that she would not be home. I tried to apologize for the miscommunication with my friend and patch things up, but she is basically on the verge of excommunicating me. I tried to make it up by saying I'll get everything finished tomorrow (which won't be fun, but will be possible) and spend the entire 17th with her and family. She won't have it. My mother said to my siblings while I wasn't in the room that &quot;she [me] just doesn't care&quot; and that she's &quot;heartbroken&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question:&lt;/strong&gt; I just don't want to completely ruin my relationship with her. I know I messed up, but is she overreacting? Is there anything I can do to make the situation less sucky?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12768" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T07:10:29.957" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T15:03:52.263" Title="How to keep my relationship with my mother intact after moving across country" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10491" CreationDate="2018-02-15T02:40:55.587" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In most any artistic/creative endeavor that involves a group working together, you can site &quot;creative differences&quot; as a reason to not want to join up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this specific instance there are obviously &quot;creative differences&quot; and there really isn't a good reason not to tell them that. If you want to avoid friction it may be better to focus on the specific reasons that you don't see things working out than the specific person. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm interested in making music, but I need something with more structure and group cohesion; something more serious and organized. I'd also prefer to play with people who are on the same page artistically. People who want to play something that sounds more like &lt;code&gt;insert genre and/or whatever sound you prefer&lt;/code&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You never know, perhaps putting it out there directly may even help them to pull it together and focus a little more and if some members of the group find that they're looking for the same things they may even hit you up down the road.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly I've probably seen dozens of garage bands with the problems you describe, led by loud, somewhat obnoxious, guys that seem to crave the spotlight more than the music... From what I've seen the bands that make it out of the garage and on to a stage are the ones that eventually get down to the actual work and practice. Sometimes that means dropping the obnoxious guy, and sometimes the obnoxious guy grows up a little and gets to work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, don't feel obligated to handhold. More often than not these guys need a good kicking more than they need someone to gently explain things. Telling them to hit you up when they get serious is probably the better move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T02:40:55.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10495" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10491" CreationDate="2018-02-15T03:16:05.500" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not too early to leave the band because you never joined them. You told Jake that you would 'Check it out', so you never actually agreed to join them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you tell him what you exactly think - &quot;Hey, when I said I'll check it out, I was under the impression that you guys had a band already formed and were playing together. Sorry, this won't work out for me as I have other stuff to focus on.&quot; This would be the direct, easiest way out and there's no other explanation required. You are also not being rude, there's no reason for your friend's feelings to be hurt by this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to be so direct, you can try saying something like 'Sorry but we are not really in sync with each other / Our styles don't match/ I don't think I fit in here'. However, he may ask you to explain it further and then you'd have to justify why it's not working out for you. So direct approach seems better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T03:16:05.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10496" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10479" CreationDate="2018-02-15T04:08:14.323" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being somewhat of an awkward kid and outsider myself (i was born in america and raised there till about 7 after which my parents moved back to Asia). So the way i spoke and behaved was different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How i coped with this was that i approached people who didn't seem to fit in much either. I know this sounds a bit strange, but i went out of my way to communicate and socialize with people who were mostly alone or were also somewhat &quot;outcasted&quot;. I ended up with a motley crew of foreigners and mixed-raced friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thing is, although you might share interests with some of the kids, they don't have an interest in YOU as a person, which i think is way more important than having common hobbies. I often used some stories and interesting facts about my background in america (which people make fun of, like me having a poor grasp of my mother tongue) to make conversation and find those people who are willing to give me an ear and some of their time. As for the quotes of Wendy, people at a young age are mostly immature and try to gain favor by being cool or dissing others; as you age up and keep your good close friends around you, that kind of behavior won't be as bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short, no matter where you are there will be people who are mean or just live off making other's feel bad (or some status thing is was stated by AndreiROM). For adjusting into a new environment, this is kind of what i did. I wish you all the best in fitting in more. Good Luck!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T17:39:43.810" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T17:39:43.810" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10497" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10493" CreationDate="2018-02-15T08:57:30.027" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems that you Mother has trouble letting go and tries to guilt-trip you into living live like she thinks best. There is not too much you can do about it, other then being patient and honest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to live &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; life, not hers!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can just inform her of your plans and offer talk about it when she wants to, but you won´t change them. If she has a different view on things just thank her for her input take it into consideration - but don´t try to convince her that her view is wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will result in not having approval for some of your steps, and you will have to live with that. You´ll have to wait through it. Hopefully, in some time she will accept that you are a grown-up now and that you can take care of yourself. Until then, try to take her anger as a sign that she cares about you and try not to leave her with bad words from your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T08:57:30.027" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10498" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10493" CreationDate="2018-02-15T09:03:02.690" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like a manipulation tactic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's review:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My mom does not like my partner of three years. She believes he has mental issues and not good enough for me.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your mom doesn't like your SO and has a stated interest in seperating you from them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Last year in June, I explained that I wanted to move out to be closer with him and his family. My mom was not very happy about it.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now she has lost this fight (of getting you to seperate from him) ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously she's not going to be happy about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in comes an opportunity to maybe change your mind last-ditch, namely by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My move in date was supposed to be the 19th, but the person I'm having help me move is actually driving by on the 18th    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The cynic in me says this is an obvious manipulation tactic to get you to stay. It's not like she doesn't have a track record of trying to make decisions in your life (chiefly by trying to seperate you from your SO). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Practically, there's very little you can do. You've already done what you can by finishing up early so you can spend the 17th with your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing more you can do is emphasize that your method of transportation won't be available at the 19th anymore, so you'll have to go on the 18th. It wasn't your decision to do this, so it's not your fault. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the relationship with your mother, I think a lot of this is last-ditch effort of getting you to stay and grown up pouting. I think she'll quickly calm down, especially if you visit from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T09:03:02.690" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10499" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10479" CreationDate="2018-02-15T09:03:25.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was a teen, my teachers made me a prefect, which is basically like a class monitor. There were a few students in my class who wanted that role, and were possibly jealous of me and the other prefects. The thing was, some of those students had actually worked harder than me to get that spot, and maybe even deserved it more than I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disappointed as they were, they decided to do what Wendy did to you. I was made the outsider, the fish out of water. In a class where everyone else seemed united in their pranks and homework excuses against the teachers, I really missed out, having no one I could rely on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried fighting fire with fire, I tried making my own snide comments whenever I was commented on. (Just like you, it was me who interfered in their conversation in the first place, inviting myself to their remarks.) That didn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does it help to be sarcastic back at them, or is it better to remain a wuss, and be all giggly and laugh it off? I've seen people doing the second one too, but to me, it makes them look weak and powerless against the insults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you have noted in your comment, the first alternative seems more likely to work than the second one. However, the 2nd might actually work better, as you can always catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What may work even better for you is if you are able to laugh at yourself with them, and then turn the joke on you into a victory for yourself, and get yourself a promotion in the same hierarchical structure that @AndreiROM spoke about in such detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wendy: That was, like, so last year! OMG LOL, we didn't know you're a time traveller... Probably some weird Indian magic - oh wait, she's Germo-Indian right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Laugh along with everyone else)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I may be Germo-Indian, but I'm not &amp;quot;So Far Away&amp;quot; as you think!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This is just an example, be humorous and funny while doing this.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As @Cashbee said, it's highly critical to be able to accept your own flaws. If you're unable to figure out your flaws, ask your parents, cousins, and basically people who'll be realistic and honest to you. Knowing your flaws is super important, because you can work to reduce their influence on you. This would drastically minimize the chances of your classmates being able to make snide comments on you, while at the same time, you'll be much better at making friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T12:15:57.180" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10500" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10503" CreationDate="2018-02-15T10:09:23.927" Score="72" ViewCount="28690" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently received, out of the blue, a text message from a friend which very much surprised me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the message, my friend mentions that I borrowed her Netflix account for about a month (she said she calculated this from going back and looking at her browsing history in Netflix) and as a result, wishes me to pay for half the cost of a month of Netflix, or about $10.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not feel I owe this person anything. First, there was no mention of payment at the time I borrowed their Netflix. Second, around the time this happened, I was helping her a lot with various computer problems she was having. Third, this happened about 4 to 5 months ago. Fourth, she could and was using Netflix at the time. Whether I used it or not would not affect her bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is asking me to meet me tomorrow to collect payment as she will return to her home country after that. How can I tell her I will not be paying her? We have friends in common so ideally I would like to do so gently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things I've thought of telling her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her I will pay her after she pays me for the tech support time I've spent with her (maybe this will make her realize how ridiculous her request is)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask her a series of questions to hopefully make her discover that her request is ridiculous (ie: &quot;Was payment mentioned at the time?&quot; etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her I am busy and will not be able to meet her (which could backfire if she asks me to send the money to her local bank account or give the money to one of her friends)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3178" LastEditorDisplayName="user3178" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T10:14:37.410" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T01:04:39.300" Title="How to tell a friend I won't pay them for a favor they did for me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10501" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10500" CreationDate="2018-02-15T11:12:19.187" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Compose a simple statement which succinctly expresses the situation and your feelings:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was allowed to borrow your account as a favor and I will not pay for this as it has not incurred you any additional costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way is typically the simplest way; express the situation as you understand it and the actions you will or will not take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I consider best about simple approaches is that they are easily repeatable. She may of course ask you to pay up anyway for a myriad of reasons but you can simply state that you were allowed to borrow the account as a favor again. Repeat that it has not caused her any increased costs. If a common friend asks about the situation you can just as easily repeat the above statement as it clearly expresses the situation and your stance on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make no elaborate statements or concoct extravagant plans on how to convince her. Avoid guilt tripping her by bringing up your tech support activities, lest you want to start playing the same game as her, and do not expect her to come to the conclusion that you don't her any money by a long aggravating series of questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4022" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T11:12:19.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10503" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10500" CreationDate="2018-02-15T11:55:24.200" Score="186" Body="&lt;p&gt;What a sad turn of events and potentially a sour note to end her time abroad and to leave friendships on, I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first reaction is to wonder what is behind her move, and I think that how you deal with it may depend on what has prompted her action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation, as you have explained it, is that she is preparing to leave the country you are both in to go back to her home country. I wonder if, in the process of tidying up her affairs, settling up accounts etc in preparation for that departure, she is finding herself with unanticipated costs to meet and has in a panic started trying to ‘recoup’ expenses.  This would not of course justify asking you to pay for something that you understood to be in the nature of a quid pro quo for your assistance with her computers, but it might explain where she is coming from. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This is assuming that you are correct in your assessment that there was no additional cost to her in your use of the service. I’ve never used Netflix and am not familiar with the business model, but before you go too much further with this you should double check that you didn’t watch some kind of premium content that was billable, or some kind of content that she is embarrassed to see on her account.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also possible that your use of Netflix has been annoying her ever since it occurred and she is asking for this contribution as part of assuring herself that she has not allowed herself to be taken advantage of during her time in the country. That is not to say she is correct but people’s perspectives on things that upset them often aren’t.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Whatever the driver&lt;/em&gt; for this monetary claim, the fact that she would go to this effort, which might well be confrontational and unpleasant for her as well, for such a modest sum suggests that it &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; a big deal to her. It is possible that the ten dollars has become in some way emblematic for the real issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you tell her that you won’t be paying depends in part what you want to achieve. Do you care whether you salvage the friendship, do you  want to stay in touch with her, do you care about how it looks to mutual friends, do you want to understand her motivation, do you want her to understand that you are hurt and offended by her action?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because there are a number of imponderables, I can’t write you a failsafe script, but I can suggest that when you meet her you try something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was really surprised that you thought I had been ignoring a debt to&#xA;  you. I had understood the Netflix thing to be just part of the give&#xA;  and take of being friends, like how I helped you with your computers&#xA;  when you needed it. I hate the idea that you think I wouldn’t honour a&#xA;  true debt, but this is so strange and out of the blue that I am not&#xA;  sure it’s really about Netflix at all. Is there something else behind&#xA;  this, something that is worrying or upsetting you… can you tell me&#xA;  about that? As your friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she sticks to the issue being your use of Netflix and you are set on not giving her the money then there is &lt;strong&gt;no point in pursuing matters into an argument&lt;/strong&gt;, you have both stated your case to no avail and a fight won’t change that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really am sorry that that’s how you see things, and how you see me,&#xA;  but I’m not going to clear a debt that never existed. If there is&#xA;  nothing else you want to talk to me about… know that I enjoyed being&#xA;  your friend and though this makes me sad, I wish you happiness for the&#xA;  future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T17:49:40.623" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T17:49:40.623" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10506" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10508" CreationDate="2018-02-15T12:51:53.547" Score="4" ViewCount="1569" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it is normal to forget events that happened in the past, there is an event I can't remember at all. This event happened 2 years ago when someone confessed(confession of love) to me. This person was close at the time (and still is), however, from what they told me, I rudely rejected their advances. The problem is that I remember some things from that period, however I don't remember that this confession happened. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell someone that I don't remember rudely rejecting their romantic advances two years ago?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goals&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Considering this person’s feelings is important, minimizing the amount of pain is a must.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to make sure that the other person knows I tell this because I want to be open, no other motives.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While it could be better to not tell this, just assume I really want to tell this even though it could turn out bad. Different approaches are okay, however don't give the advice: &quot;don't do this&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have instances of the past where I don't remember things while it was important enough to remember.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I trust this person enough that I know this event happened.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I handled all confessions that I remember with respect, because I think that is important. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T13:33:30.807" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T19:50:54.680" Title="How to tell someone you don't remember an important event that happened?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10500" CreationDate="2018-02-15T13:18:01.070" Score="39" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her I am busy and will not be able to meet her (which could backfire if she asks me to send the money to her local bank account or give the money to one of her friends)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lying is inherently devoid of interpersonal skills. It's not impossible to do so, but it's a bit out of scope for a question on IPS.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Furthermore, two wrongs don't make a right. If you lie to her, and your shared frieds get wind of this, they may see you as equally (or more) in the wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her I will pay her after she pays me for the tech support time I've spent with her (maybe this will make her realize how ridiculous her request is)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask her a series of questions to hopefully make her discover that her request is ridiculous (ie: &amp;quot;Was payment mentioned at the time?&amp;quot; etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest a combination of both. Point out the discrepancy between having to pay for sharing her Netflix, yet not being paid for the tech support you offered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, you'd want to use the Socratic method. This approach means that &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; is essentially destroying &lt;em&gt;her own&lt;/em&gt; justification for needing compensation for Netflix, by having her explain why she feels that she doesn't need to pay for the tech support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A - Hey, can you pay me half of the Netflix bill please?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;B - I wasn't aware that we agreed on splitting the cost when you shared your account details with me.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;A - It's only fair to split the cost.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;B - Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, she'll have to justify her claim that compensation is warranted. I'm not sure what she'll say, but in order to be a relevan justification, it will have to boil down to &amp;quot;things aren't free&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After she has established this herself, you can turn the tables on her by bringing up the tech support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B - I had assumed that our friendship precluded the need for billing each other for favors. That's why I didn't ask for compensation when I helped you with [tech problems].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are several possible responses for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She backs down.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problem solved!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She gets offended at your insinuation that compensation is needed for tech support.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can point back at her request for compensation for Netflix, and mention that you could be equally offended by her request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She argues that it's not the same; and maintains the point that you need to compensate her but she doesn't need to compensate you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's little you can do at this point. If she pushes her argument again while dismissing your (reasonable) mention that the offered tech support more than makes up for the cost of the Netflix subscription, &lt;strong&gt;then she is willing to risk the friendship over this dispute&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to keep this friendship at all costs, then you should yield and give her what she wants. This is not a good approach, but there may be external factors why you'd want to remain in her good graces.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I would at this point demote the conversation to nothing more than a &lt;strong&gt;business transaction&lt;/strong&gt;. She is making a business argument, so you should respond in kind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few possible responses here, depending on how you want to approach this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're unsure how to approach it, or how strongly she feels about this issue; ask her &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; she is suddenly bringing this up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her answer can reveal to you whether she genuinely thought you'd compensate her (which isn't malevolent) or if she's trying to make some easy money by &amp;quot;morally suing&amp;quot; you for not paying for a favor (which is not how a friend should behave).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can help you decide between the other two listed options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think she is knowingly trying to force your hand unfairly, you should flat out refuse her request, explain why, and end the conversation there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As there was no agreement about splitting the cost of the subscription, she cannot argue that you promised to pay her. She has no legal recourse. She might try to use your shared friends against you, but you can easily disable that argument by (a) repeating the &amp;quot;tech support&amp;quot; justification to your friends and (b) pointing out that it was never agreed upon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend blindly takes her side, and doesn't even consider your side of the story, then they are not your friend. Pure and simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think this was not malevolent (e.g. she may be honestly underestimating the effort of the tech support provided); you can walk her through the effort it took you to do everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can list many relevant things here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The time it took.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The complexity of the issues.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How long it has taken you to learn the needed skills to be able to help with the issue.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What it would cost her if she went to an IT shop for the same support.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to come up with a reasonable low-balled estimate of what it would cost her, and then contrast that to the $10 for the Netflix subscription. For the rest of the answer, let's assume you low-ball a tech support compensation of $35, i.e. she owes you $25 after subtracting the Netflix subscription compensation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, if the conversation reaches this point, I would ask her for the $25, repeatedly. Using the same approach that she used. I would try to use phrases that mimic her initial request for compensation, trying to use her words against her.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;This way, if anyone else gets involved in this dispute, you can easily point back at her initial statements. This quickly shows to your friend that you're merely treating her the same way she treated you, while also avoiding coming across as the unprovoked aggressor in this dispute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, a more IPS-focused approach would be to offer the option of neither of you owing money to each other; as this was the initial implicit deal and you'd prefer to avoid this dispute altogether. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though I could ask you for the $35 compensation for my help with [tech problems], I'd prefer it if we simply let this go. I wasn't expecting to split the cost of the Netflix subscription, just like I wasn't expecting to be compensated for my time and effort helping you. I considered both as a friendly favor, with no attached cost.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;In the future, if and when you feel uncomfortable doing a favor for free, I would prefer it if we address the money issue beforehand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T13:18:01.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10506" CreationDate="2018-02-15T13:52:44.037" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell this person that I don't remember this confession at all. &lt;strong&gt;If I would have remembered it, it would have been an important memory (even though I would have rejected it at the time).&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should leave the bolded part out completely. I know you don't want any &quot;don't do this&quot; advice, but I think the most hurtful thing to say in this situation is &quot;I don't remember because it wasn't important then, but it is important now.&quot; This makes it seem like you don't really care about the other person, when you've said in your question that this is not the case. The fact of your situation is that you don't remember, and whether or not the memory is important is irrelevant to your memory of the event in this case. If you value this other person, I suggest you leave out any remarks on how important the memory &lt;em&gt;would have been&lt;/em&gt;. It's simple enough to say &quot;Sorry, but I just can't remember that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, if you make this over complicated you can come across in ways you probably don't want. The other person might think you're lying and you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; remember, especially since you remember other things in that period. They might think you're making fun of them if you take it too lightly. If you're direct and honest, then it should be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as hurt feelings go, it really depends on the other person. Some people can accept &quot;I don't remember&quot;. Others think if they can jog your memory, you'll remember. I find that trying to jog a person's memory is just a recipe for disaster, because there's no way out that &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; hurt the other person's feelings (if they're determined to do this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I think trying is ideal in that situation. The event was important to the other person, enough that they really want you to remember. I would give it a try if they want to jog your memory, but if nothing comes up, be honest about that too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if you do trust the person's memory and you want to apologize for your behavior, be as clear as possible if you're trying to apologize for something you can't remember, but don't minimize their memories or feelings on the event. Something like &quot;I'm sorry I was rude,&quot; should suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this way you do the best you can to lessen the pain for the other person, but don't feel too bad if they are still hurt by this. If it was that important to them, it's possible that it is something that they might be hurt by regardless of how polite, courteous, and anti-pain you're trying to be. But it really isn't your fault one way or another that they're hurting in that case, and sometimes there's not much you can do. Being present and apologetic is the most you can offer in that moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, a simple &quot;I'm sorry, I can't remember. But I believe that it happened and I apologize for my behavior&quot; might be enough for your situation, I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12439" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T13:52:44.037" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10510" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10500" CreationDate="2018-02-15T14:34:11.770" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Scenario 1: You will pay her under no circumstance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, refer to the logic behind the presumption of innocence. You don't have to clarify beforehand that it's free, she has to clarify that it will cost you. She has all the power of granting or denying you the access to the account so she has the responsibility to clearly state the terms before doing so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say some variation of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was under the impression that it wasn't going to cost me, and you made no effort to notify me it was. I'd not have agreed to pay if you did and I'm not agreeing now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if you went to a supermarket and there was a stand where someone offered you a free sample product. There was no indication that it wasn't free. You took it and at checkout after walking away with it, the security guard stopped you and told you that you have to pay for it. How would you feel? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Scenario 2: You're willing to pay given certain circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd ask her why she wants it, whether it's because she needs that money or if she just feels that she's entitled to it. Of course, it depends on how close you are, but if she is in need and under the impression that you have the means to help, then it's probably a case of her feeling awkward for asking for help, or not wanting to be in debt. In that case, I recommend you try work that out and give her the money, it's not so much to break a relationship up over. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'd basically be saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I won't pay for a favor (you can use the above reasoning) but I will gladly give you a small loan. If you don't want to be in debt, we can just say you let me borrow your Netflix so we're even.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sends the message that you are the one doing her a favor, if you don't clarify this, she might ask money for another favor in the future. Not necessarily but I don't know what she's like so it's best to keep it straight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12778" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T14:34:11.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10479" CreationDate="2018-02-15T14:43:54.763" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to the other great answers here, I think another thing worth noting is that Wendy is also trying to fit in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As @AndreiROM pointed out in his answer, there is a social hierarchy and Wendy is trying to be at the top of her group. She enjoys bullying others because her group laughs when she does it and she gets positive reinforcement. She is seeing that whenever she bullies someone else, it is a good thing (in her eyes). If you want this to change, the best way is to call her out on her actions and show that this is not ok. As an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wendy:&lt;/strong&gt; That was, like, so last year! OMG LOL, we didn't know you're a time traveller... Probably some weird Indian magic - oh wait, she's Germo-Indian right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I'd rather be magical than someone who has to bully others to feel good about themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is best that you say this in a calm voice, not out of hurt or anger. Wendy, just like you, is trying to fit in. If you clearly call out her bullying, it will make it harder for others to laugh at you (as they will then have to identify with the bully) and it may even make Wendy rethink about her actions. If you arn't the only one being bullied, you could also step in to say something when others are being bullied. This will help them to befriend you and will show Wendy that her actions are wrong whether its directed at you or anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to be the school hero that gets involved in every argument or bully but by showing others that you care about them enough to stand up to Wendy, you will start to fit in just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing to remember is that Wendy is trying to fit in just like you. She is doing it in the best way she knows how, which is putting others down to build herself up. She does this because others laugh when it happens and she thinks what she is doing works. By calling her out on her actions, you put her in a position where she either has to admit that what she did is wrong or continue bullying and prove your point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also go up to her at some point and say something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey Wendy, I've been trying to be friends with you but you always seem to make fun of me, is there a reason for this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you could say this one on one, it might be better to say this in an open area where others can hear you. This will show others that you are trying to be friendly, even to the class bully. Everyone knows that Wendy is a bully, whether they say it or not. By seeing you make an effort to be her friend despite her being mean to you, it makes you a lot more welcoming to the rest of the group. Even if Wendy doesn't want to be your friend, your efforts won't be wasted, because you are showing everyone that you are doing your best to be friendly. That won't go unnoticed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the age of 13, I don't know that this will give you the results you are hoping for, at least not immediately. It's very possible that the more you put yourself out there, the more Wendy will target you when looking to make fun of someone. If you keep calling her out on her actions while still being friendly to everyone though, people will start to care for you and they won't keep laughing at Wendy's bullying when they see it hurts you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12779" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T14:43:54.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10513" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10493" CreationDate="2018-02-15T14:56:12.683" Score="8" Body="&lt;h2&gt;First of all...&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of these may be obvious, but I want to state them anyway as they relate to the rest of the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have the right to choose who you are with. No justification needed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have the right to go live where you want.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Both you and your mother have the right to refuse to talk to the other if you so choose. While this is of course not desirable, there's little that either party can do about being &quot;blocked&quot; by the other party, if they stick by their decision.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You should avoid any personal relationship where the other person is &lt;em&gt;intentionally&lt;/em&gt; toxic, intentionally uses you like an emotional punching bag when they're upset, or tries to manipulate you to do what they want (while being aware of the unethical nature of their behavior). Note that the misbehavior must be &lt;em&gt;intentional&lt;/em&gt; for this statement to apply.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your mother's response&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She is livid that I would move out on a day that she would not be home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I can understand being upset about not being present when her child moves out; being &lt;em&gt;livid&lt;/em&gt; about it is (in my opinion) uncalled for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I tried to apologize for the miscommunication with my friend and patch things up, but she is basically on the verge of excommunicating me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is something she has said/suggested/implied, and not just an inference on your part; then it sounds like she is using your feelings (wanting to stay in touch with her) as a means of getting you to do what she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Analogously, when someone robs you and threatens you with &quot;your money or your life&quot;, they are essentially manipulating you (because they know you'd want to avoid dying) and therefore choosing the other option (giving your money); which is exactly what they're after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I tried to make it up by saying I'll get everything finished tomorrow (which won't be fun, but will be possible) and spend the entire 17th with her and family. She won't have it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You offered a solution to the problem she pointed out. She refused. If I can take your word for it, she did not offer a reasonable explanation why your proposed solution isn't viable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My mother said to my siblings while I wasn't in the room that &quot;she [me] just doesn't care&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this was &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; you offered to spend the 17th with her, she is flat out lying about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and that she's &quot;heartbroken&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is assuming that your description is accurate, but it sounds like she's implicitly arguing that you should implicitly change your plans based on her feelings. Combined with dismissing your proposed solution; this is starting to feel like emotional manipulation and her expecting others to emotionally cater to her without being open to compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your mother's advocate&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on your question alone, we can't be sure that your mother's behavior is intentionally manipulative. There are many ways in which this behavior is not intentionally malevolent, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She was raised this way, and therefore is treating you the same way her parents treated her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is prone to emotional and/or dramatic outbursts without meaning to manipulate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is emotionally dependent on you, and is simply trying to hold on to someone's she's afraid of losing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't conclusively answer this. She may simply lack emotional control (without having ill intent); or she may be intentionally using dramatic outbursts so that people cater to her whims.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I can say, however, is that you should not rely on her self-assessment for this. She is going to claim innocence in either scenario, and it's nigh impossible to differentiate between the two based on her own words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to evaluate her actions (past and present). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is this behavior consistent? Does she behave like this with everyone?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does she behave like this even when it doesn't benefit her?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is she capable of switching emotions &lt;em&gt;rapidly&lt;/em&gt; when she is (not) getting what she wants?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Has she made threats (veiled or not) about what would happen when something she doesn't approve of would happen? In other words, does she display any active knowledge about what her reaction to a possible future event may be?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does she have a history of lying to get what she wants?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're still uncertain; you could ask her how she wants you to fix it. If her response consists of nothing more than blaming you without offering a compromise/solution, or her solution is completely devoid of any compromise (e.g. telling you to not move out); that is a very strong indication that she's taking her personal dislike out on you, and there's more at play here than simply the bad timing of the move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your response&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just don't want to completely ruin my relationship with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt; that is the top priority for you (even at the expense of your own happiness), and &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; your mother is intentionally manipulating you; then you are giving her the leverage she needs to get what she wants at the expense of your own happiness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This relates back to the example of the robbery. Wanting to not die is a &lt;strong&gt;given&lt;/strong&gt;, and therefore can be used as leverage to manipulate you into giving the robber your money (which is then &lt;em&gt;the lesser of two evils&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know I messed up, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You did not mess up.&lt;/strong&gt; At worst, you made an honest mistake. You have explored every possible avenue to rectify the issue that your mother is pointing out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Genuine question: if a parent is unable to forgive their child for making a genuine mistake with minor consequences (i.e. nothing irreparable); do you think they are being a good parent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but is she overreacting? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. However, that doesn't answer whether or not she is &lt;em&gt;maliciously&lt;/em&gt; overreacting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can answer this better than we can. Is your mother prone to drama, regardless of whether she's trying to get what she wants? Can she be dramatic even when being dramatic is not to her benefit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there anything I can do to make the situation less sucky?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mother is trying to manipulate you, then there isn't much you can do. In this case, the problem she is raising is merely her &lt;em&gt;current&lt;/em&gt; method of gaining leverage on you. Even if you fix the problem; she'll look for the next justification to force your hand towards what she wants.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Even if you point out the blatant manipulation, she would never admit to it. There is little point in trying to do so. This advice comes from personal experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It is impossible to wake someone up when they only &lt;strong&gt;pretend&lt;/strong&gt; to be asleep.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if your mother's behavior is not intentional, then there is indeed something you can do to make things less sucky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am well aware of my personal bias with emotionally manipulative parents. Forgoing my bias as best as I can; based on what you've told me, I think your mother is knowingly trying to force your hand.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Note that I only know what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; have told me. In other words; &lt;em&gt;the words you chose&lt;/em&gt; paint your mother as manipulative. There are three options here: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Your explanation is factually accurate and she is manipulating you, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Your explanation carries a personal bias, which would mean that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; (possibly subconsciously) believe she's manipulating you. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I am wrong. (but it's hard for me to conclude that based on my own opinion, of course)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I cannot conclusively answer this&lt;/strong&gt;. I'm only assessing what I read in your question, while trying to avoid any personal bias as best as I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to make things less sucky&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This part assumes that your mother's behavior is not intentional, i.e. she is not being malicious and simply prone to emotional dramatic outbursts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The core of the issue here is &lt;em&gt;your mother's response&lt;/em&gt; to the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in order to maintain the relationship between you and her; you need to &lt;strong&gt;be on your mother's side&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When approaching the issue, never describe it as a her fault. Don't pit her as the opposition in this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Instead, try to be her ally. Offer her assistance to improve things.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Focus on how her behavior &lt;strong&gt;makes you feel&lt;/strong&gt;, rather than what she does wrong.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Apologize for your genuine mistake. Mention that it was a genuine mistake and not intentional; but try to avoid trying to repeatedly make that case (this can come across as trying to sell her on a lie).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ideally, you'll want to include your siblings/father in this. Addressing this is essentially an intervention; which is much more effective when several loved ones talk to her about it openly (without accusing, judging or labeling her).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T15:03:52.263" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T15:03:52.263" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10514" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10500" CreationDate="2018-02-15T15:10:35.013" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;To preserve the relationship, pay the 10 and do not provide any computer support again and don't borrow the Netflix account again either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An important thing to remember with interpersonal skills is that misunderstandings about money have ended many a relationship.  In the future whenever dealing with a friend have the money issue ironed out first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, thanks for letting me borrow your Netflix, do you want me to throw you a few bucks?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sure, I can fix your computer, I normally charge $50 for this, is $20 okay with you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Normally I charge for this, but this one is on the house!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But make sure that money is discussed before you borrow, loan, do professional favors for or receive them from friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sharpen this one skill and avoid problems in the future&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T15:10:35.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10506" CreationDate="2018-02-15T15:16:52.730" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you need to plead oblivion. The key here is that you don't remember &lt;em&gt;the confession&lt;/em&gt; - that says to me that at the time you didn't understand it, that is, you didn't realize it was happening. Establishing that fact should go a long way towards mitigating whatever your reaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that the above is true (that's important), I would try something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, here's the deal...your expression sailed right over the top of my head and I didn't understand that you were expressing those feelings to me. Trust me, if I had, I would remember it. Given that you were so vulnerable in that moment, and I was just clueless, I'm sure my reaction was terrible. I hate that that happened, and I wish I'd been more sensitive...I'd like to think that if I'd been more aware, I'd have reacted in a way that would have caused you less pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look, the truth is that if you didn't realize that this person was making this extremely vulnerable confession, you're not really guilty of reacting badly. You're guilty of being clueless or oblivious, but not insensitive. But don't focus on the guilt or innocence, focus on the person's feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9079" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T15:16:52.730" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10516" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10517" CreationDate="2018-02-15T15:32:01.677" Score="23" ViewCount="9936" Body="&lt;p&gt;My once-closest friend and I have seriously drifted apart. It's come as far as that I do not want to invest any more energy in the friendship and I'd prefer it to just quietly end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am unsure, however, whether to tell him (live, or by e-mail) that I consider our friendship done. A complicating factor is that we are both part of an extended social circle centered around our bridge club, with many mutual friends. I do not expect him to retreat from that circle anytime soon, nor am I planning to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit of background may be in order. We have been friends since college, and over the last few years have mainly bonded over board games and bridge. We are both around 40, and are both male.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll try to name a few reasons I want to end this, but I'll try and stay short:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He complains a lot, always about the same things--mainly work and other people in his life. He takes advice about the issues, doesn't follow any of it and then complains again next time we meet. Rinse and repeat.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He has incredibly high expectations of people he interacts with in matters of communication, how they should behave and what they should do for him. And doesn't live up to them in return himself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Connecting to previous: if I, in his eyes, failed his expectations, we have to &lt;em&gt;talk about it for a bit&lt;/em&gt; and then he puts me on the defensive about what his slights are or, even, as he puts it, 'the standard of people you interact with'.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately, we have had very little interaction. After I had to find out about his girlfriend's pregnancy through her social media rather than him telling me, I decided not to put any effort in this anymore. A few weeks ago, he (too late, imho) proposed to have dinner together again, with his partner and mine. I avoided that proposal and have not had contact since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I prefer this to die a quiet death, is it better I end things with him by an email or a talk? Or is it better to just stay quiet and hope that he takes the cues? I'd prefer to keep a respectful distance while still interact every now and then, because we are in the same club.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;tl;dr&lt;/em&gt;: My old friend has worn out my patience, partially by not initiating much contact. We are going to be seeing each other in social situations, but I want our friendship to be over, preferably quietly. Is it best to 'officially' end things with an email or a talk, or not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12732" LastEditorUserId="12732" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T22:57:31.577" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T22:57:31.577" Title="How can I best let my once-close friend know that I think our friendship is over--if at all?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-02-19T09:44:22.063" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10516" CreationDate="2018-02-15T15:35:50.213" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since your purpose here is to have this friendship die a quiet death, your best bet may well be simply ignoring him, and having him eventually take the hint. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You guys don't seem to see each other very often, and he doesn't initiate much contact. Simply follow in his footsteps, and do the same. And on the rare occasions when he does try to engage with you, reply that you can't make it (with perhaps a delay of a few days). Eventually he'll stop initiating altogether. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be polite in social situations where you run into him, although you may wish to somewhat avoid him even then. For example, if there's several groups of people at an event, stay away from the one which includes him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: This is an &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10277/how-to-deal-with-constantly-negative-roommate/10279#10279&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;answer&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; on a very similar question that I wrote not too long ago. The situation was different enough that I advised honesty, and a direct approach instead of quietly letting the relationship &quot;die&quot;. Feel free to read it, to sort of get a glimpse at the other side of the coin as it were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-15T15:56:49.557" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T15:56:49.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10516" CreationDate="2018-02-15T16:28:17.200" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't lie to him, but not volunteering the truth of your feelings is not lying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would avoid interaction with him, using uninformative refusals: &quot;No thanks,&quot; &quot;I'm not that interested,&quot; or if it is true, &quot;We have other plans.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he asks tell him the truth. If Dutch culture is known for ruthless directness, you can try a less ruthless but still direct approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say you have just lost interest in expending the effort it takes to meet his &quot;standards of interaction.&quot; They have made it not fun for you to get together anymore, and on top of that you feel like your interests are no longer as well aligned as they once were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he responds that you should have told him, or done X or Y, say: That is an example, and you are tired of living up to his standards of interaction, so you have chosen to stop interacting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T16:28:17.200" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10519" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10516" CreationDate="2018-02-15T16:31:41.660" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I prefer this to die a quiet death, should I end things with him by&#xA;  an email or a talk? Or is it better to just stay quiet and hope that&#xA;  he takes the cues?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're describing is the type of thing that totally kills me: the process whereby best friends become strangers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The prospect of him becoming a father seems to have evoked some sentimentality in him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How, if at all, should I 'officially' end things with him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really don't have to do anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Miss the celebration of the birth of his child, and if relevant, the Christening. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when you see him after the birth, you definitely need to congratulate him and acknowledge the kid. You will both be a bit nostalgic, perhaps promise that your families should have dinner. But neither of you will intend to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The slow death of a friendship is such a sad process. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8011" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T16:31:41.660" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10516" CreationDate="2018-02-15T17:06:54.590" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Friendship is not a contract; it doesn't need a defined start and end date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friendship is, instead, a mutually-beneficial relationship usually developed through shared experience. If you are no longer receiving the benefits of the relationship, then you will have little reason to provide benefits to your former friend. The absence of the give-and-take and the lack of shared experience &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; the end of the friendship. No other action is needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2631" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T17:06:54.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10523" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10500" CreationDate="2018-02-15T17:13:40.173" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not paying her will end the friendship, no matter how you say it. Actually: not paying it will show that you recognize that &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; wishes to end the friendship, because I believe that's what's happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her emotional transition out of &quot;your&quot; world and back into &quot;hers&quot; may be very confusing for her, and it may be manifesting in a feeling that she needs to quantify her links and close them off. Effectively she wants to convert this relationship from a friendship to one which she can quantify, balance and close. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be the least painful way in which she can part. Or it may reflect a longstanding feeling that your relationship with her was more one-sided than you realize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For ten bucks, I'd pay her. I might say something like, &quot;Gosh, I'm sorry I didn't offer it sooner, I guess I though it was just part of our trading favours back and forth, like helping you with your computers. Had I not used your account I guess you could have closed it a month sooner.&quot; Possibly that's a bit on the passive-aggressive side but I think it summarizes the only reasonable reasons, that I can see, which would justify her position. (And if it was you who had broached the matter of borrowing her account, frankly, it may be quite reasonable after all.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can reconsider her outlook, if she wants, and get back in touch with you and let you know that she didn't manage her transition very well, and appreciate that you rode it through with her graciously. Meanwhile you can honestly say there's nobody on the planet that thinks you owe them. The moral high ground is worth $10 to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1687" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T17:13:40.173" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10525" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10516" CreationDate="2018-02-15T18:38:20.590" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may dread it, but you only have to do it once, &lt;strong&gt;Talk to him&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pregnancy is an opportunity to have a candid talk about the diverging directions your lives are taking. Actual communication is the only certain way to clarify your intentions and it could be done tactfully enough to cause no hard feelings. The important thing to remember during this talk is to refrain from going on the offensive. keep the discussion about events surrounding your lives rather then focusing on what you don't like about him. Make the talk about the future, his and your own. Bring up the issues which take your attention and mention that his life is about to take on more responsibilities which will consume his time. In light of these life changes you may not be able to be there for him like the past. Leave him with best wishes and maybe a practical gift for the baby, like a car seat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3 out of the 4 answers here recommend &quot;Ghosting&quot; as it's known in slang. Ghosting is only barely acceptable for young people dating, not at all acceptable for mature adults. Ghosting leads to hard feelings because it causes confusion, then the psychological defense mechanisms follow that confusion. The urban dictionary (the slang authority) has this to say about ghosting:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ghosting - The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just &quot;get the hint&quot; and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though the source is Urban dictionary, not even as scholarly a source as wiki, the opinion contained in the definition is not only valid, its also the most likely outcome if you tried ghosting. Chances are you will be labeled as immature, or a flake or worse; when the ghostee's defense mechanisms write the narrative. Right now you feel like not dealing with it and ghosting is certainly the easy option. Ghosting doesn't end the problem, it just creates another chapter of different problems. Nip it in the bud and be done with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this answer directly contradicts the others, I expect many vindictive down votes. If you find this answer among the deleted ones, consider that even doing nothing has consequences.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12794" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T18:38:20.590" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10516" CreationDate="2018-02-15T18:48:39.927" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would just not go out of my way to interact with that person anymore, but still be polite when inevitably you have to.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You said that it's mostly due to his behavior, with a few specific things he does, tell him. If he complains about things that he didn't follow your advice over, tell him. If he berates you for things that he won't follow himself, tell him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way he either has a chance to change or he knows that you're annoyed by his behavior which will lead to the end of the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12799" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T18:48:39.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10516" CreationDate="2018-02-15T20:17:19.743" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Alright, story time... I lost a very deep friend almost the same way as you, many years ago. Granted, there was a very bad, life-threatening and literally life-shattering midlife crisis on his side, and I had my hands full with unhappy family stuff outside of my control, which got between us as well. This went over years (I believe it took him over 3 years to get out of it, ending up with moving out from his wife and child, ending his previous career with finality, starting work as a nurse at a closed institution for bad mental disability cases etc.; all during which I was his sole communication outlet for all his trouble - we lived separated by a few 100km, and we Skyped for many hours each night). But the rest was similar to what you told me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually, we did let it &quot;ghost&quot;, as RedOculus calls it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually, after a very long time of mutual incommunicado, I wrote him one very last email, telling him that having the contact we had at the end was very hurtful to me (the part where he regularly told me all I did wrong with other people, without recognizing or accepting that what he deemed wrong were very conscious, thought-out decisions of mine...), so I was not strong enough to continue it; excused myself for any hurt I may or may not have given him; but that I was glad about the many years of deep friendship we had, and that I would be open to him whenever he would need me or wanted to talk about it. I have not since heard from him, except through distant common friends, who occasionally meet him, and occasionally let it slip that they did so (but not implying anything - not that he mentioned me, or that they feel it as a tension or whatever). It looks like he is doing well now, and I do not know whether anybody except us two really knows what went on with us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, I do not know whether he got the email. I do not really know if he was angry at me at the end, or sad, or indifferent, or (he also, at that time, turned to Buddhism) decided to let it all go, like I did. I absolutely hope so, for his sake. I fully and consciously decided to let him go, doing a lot of meditation and conscious &quot;mind work&quot; myself, and have no regrets about anything. I do not brood on this today, but the experience is always with me and has certainly changed me (hard to say if for better or worse).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So. Your case seems to be a bit more relaxed. Just let him ghost away. Don't be rude, don't open a can of worms, just let him be. If he comes and spends good time with you, let that happen. Be indifferent about when he criticizes you. Be happy for him when there is something to be happy about. But don't call him up, don't start conversations, don't send emails etc. You will find other friends; he has a family know and does not absolutely need you. You are both adults. And after a few months or a year write him a wrap-up email to reflect on your past and acknowledge that it was a good time while it lasted, and to let him know that there are no hard feeling. All will be well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T20:17:19.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10516" CreationDate="2018-02-15T21:38:56.523" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some answers to this question have recommended &quot;ghosting&quot;, and some have recommended not ghosting, but talking to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest neither.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's come as far as that I do not want to invest any more energy in&#xA;  the friendship and I'd prefer it to just quietly end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you're saying, I gather that you've had it with this guy, dealing with him leaves you drained with no positive benefit, and you just want to cut things off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't cut him off. The temptation to cut the relationship off comes from the desire to fix an annoying issue. If you have a sink that keeps dripping at night and irritating you, eventually you're going to want to fix the damn thing. Then the problem will be solved and your frustration will be over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in this situation, if you take drastic action and cut off the relationship (whether via ghosting or direct confrontation), you won't get the same sense of relief. You'll just feel grief and sadness, as others have expressed in their answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A better solution is simply to continue to drift apart. Don't contact him unsolicited. Politely decline invitations from him. If you see him at a mutual gathering, remain pleasant but keep conversation at the level of small talk. If he starts complaining about whatever, cut him off and say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;that sounds bad, but I want to relax and enjoy myself this evening&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or tell him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;maybe you should try and focus on the positive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;it's probably not as bad as you think&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These latter two lines works well on complainers, because you're invalidating his complaints, and he'll find someone else to vent to. (Use sparingly, mind).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he starts criticising you, brush it off with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;that's just the kind of person I am&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I honestly think you're making too big a deal out of this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that in a few years you've both changed, his behaviour may begin to improve, and you can become close again. Or you continue to drift and become friendly acquaintances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A final thought:&lt;/strong&gt; from the way you've described him he sounds like someone with high standards and expectation of how people should behave, but low self-awareness. I'd guess he's the kind of person who sees himself as very logical and rational, and thinks everyone who disagrees with him as illogical. (I personally think people like this are way less rational than they imagine, but that's a whole other discussion). I might be completely wrong on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if I'm right, he's the kind of person who is easily swayed by emotional dynamics, because he doesn't properly process his own emotions. If, for example, you invalidate or dismiss his complaints in the manner I described above, he'll feel uncomfortable but won't be able to explain why, and will leave you alone. It sounds like he's really upset you multiple times and hasn't realised it, which might be why you're frustrated, especially given that he likes to play the game of &quot;lets discuss how your behaviour can be improved&quot; but won't change &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12763" LastActivityDate="2018-02-15T21:38:56.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10534" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10547" CreationDate="2018-02-15T23:45:41.167" Score="13" ViewCount="1954" Body="&lt;p&gt;For years, my mother-in-law has purchased a huge number of holiday gifts for us. This is frustrating because at other points in the year, she'll ask for small loans ($500-$1000 or so) to pay for necessities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other frustrating part of this is that we don't &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; the presents. She typically has two strategies. Either she'll overhear that one of us likes something (for instance, I like using pineapple juice as a mixer, and one year she showed up with a bag of 200 individual-serve cans of pineapple juice), or she'll just buy stuff she thinks we &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; like (she'll show up with a few of those 20-gallon plastic storage totes full of clothes for my wife to try on...which my wife hates to do in the first place).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's an extremely stubborn woman, and we're not sure we can take this much longer. It creates a huge mess, it creates a huge expense for her, and it creates an honestly embarrassing situation when we have to say &quot;Thanks for spending tons of money on us, we don't want anything you brought&quot; (in a much nicer tone, of course).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: to answer some questions... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; pay the loans back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for refusing gifts, we've done that a few times, but it's typically a chore - just a lot of explaining for each individual item how we don't have space, or we don't really think we'd get a great chance to use it, etc. - which she typically argues against.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She asks for loans because she's bad with money, as far as I can tell. She works, but doesn't make a lot of money, and she has awful spending habits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12278" LastEditorUserId="12278" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T08:25:17.590" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T13:28:24.780" Title="How do my wife and I get her mother to stop buying stuff for us?" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10537" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-16T01:07:41.330" Score="9" ViewCount="1803" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister and I (22F, Australian, twins) are both currently in Japan, but both with our own set of circumstances. I've been living in Japan for two years now after getting a job here straight out of university, while my sister has come to Japan last December for what was meant to be a 2 week trip - and has subsequently turned into a two month stay. Now, this usually wouldn't be a problem. She's an adult; she can make her own choices about her life. However, the reason for her stay and her lack or thought, planning, or communication on when (or even &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt;) she'll be going home is putting a very big stress on the relationship between her and me, and her and our mum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason for her visit to Japan was to spend time with her boyfriend (a Japanese man she met when on exchange study the year before last/last year), so I can understand why she would want to stay for a reasonably long time. Being in an long distance relationship and finally being able to see each other after a year no doubt makes it difficult to go home, but she'll have to within the next two weeks because she hasn't yet graduated from university and the last class she must take to complete her courses &lt;strong&gt;cannot&lt;/strong&gt; be done online. She must physically return to the university to complete it. But she's never been fond of university, so it's a toss-up whether she'll even go back for that. And, for the past two months, whenever either our mum or I ask her if she's decided when she'll be going back to Australia she either says 'I don't know yet' or completely ignores our messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, we don't mind what it is she decides to do. Like I said, it's her choice and we respect that, even though it may make life lonely for our parents or dissapoint them. What we're worried about is that she has no plan at all, or that if she does have an idea of what she wants to do, that she'll completely leave us in the dark and cut off communication with us for some reason before long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mum has become frustrated, worried and stressed, and she's told me that she's afraid to ask my sister too much too often because she thinks it might push her away. She's also said that for all she knows my sister may have gotten married to her boyfriend (with whom she's been living these past two months, along with his mother) without telling anyone and will never come back home, which is not only distressing for our mum and I, but also for our dad (our parents are divorced), who can only communicate with us through email (and therefore the frequency with which we talk is much less than with our mum) and will never say whether he's worried or not, though he no doubt is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How can I convince my sister to talk to our parents or me about what she's planning to do?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither our mum or I want to change her thinking or make her do anything she doesn't want to. We just want her to communicate and stop keeping us in the dark about her plans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;NOTE&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither our mum nor I have any way to communicate with my sister's boyfriend or family, so asking them is not an option. My sister has only now, after two months, given our mum her boyfriend's address, so getting any more personal information about her boyfriend's family is most probably not possible. Getting information from my sister has always been like pulling teeth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We haven't always gone straight in with 'what are you doing with your life?' kind of heavy questions, and we aren't asking her every day or anything, far from it. The last time I talked (or tried to) to her about anything specific was something like two weeks ago. And although we've tried the gentle lead-in of 'how are things going?\how are you?' it's mostly met with answers that go nowhere and don't really have any room to wiggle in the intended conversation. This is the problem: the lack of reciprocated communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT 2&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Added due to recommendation from the comments: My sister (as far as I know) is currently supporting herself financially through her own savings. She is not working (she can't because of not having the right visa) and she's said (a while ago, so not sure if the situation's changed) that while her BF offers to pay for her expenses she's politely rejected his offers whenever she can. I don't know how much she actually has left in savings though, and she would probably ask our mum or dad for help if she began to run out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10984" LastEditorUserId="10984" LastEditDate="2018-02-17T00:27:03.033" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T00:27:03.033" Title="How to convince my sister to talk to our family about her plans (or lack of)?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10539" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10537" CreationDate="2018-02-16T01:54:38.810" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, like it or not your sister is, at least in the legal sense, an adult and free to make her own choices and communicate with you as she pleases...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a pretty good chance that she feels nagged and put upon by the family and is establishing her independence. 22 is about the age where people are generally going to be doing that sort of thing and often the age where people get the strong urge to go there own way, make some mistakes, and live some life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best option is probably going to be to give her some space, let her do her thing, and be there for her regardless. Once she feels like the pressure is off she'll likely be much more open to communicating with you. Once it's more of a &quot;How's life?&quot; rather than a &quot;When are you going to get back to school and do X, y, and z?&quot; I think you'll find her more receptive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to add some personal perspective...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've certainly had a good few times in my young adulthood where I was in your sister's shoes. Well, to be honest I still find myself in that position with a few family members, and honestly it's not a great position to be in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I knew that they mean/t well and only wanted the best for me and wanted to &quot;help&quot;, but at a point it feels amazingly overbearing and rather condescending. I was/am pretty happy with my life and being constantly pestered about when I was going to meet their expectations, and live the life they had planned for me, led me to stop communicating with a few of them... Sometimes for years at a time...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ones I eventually reconnected with were the ones who could develop a relationship without all the expectations and pestering; the ones that could see that I was living my life and could just be happy for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to give your sister the room to be her own person. Trust me, it's probably the only way you're going to be able to have a relationship with her if she's already shutting you out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T05:27:14.450" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T05:27:14.450" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10543" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10537" CreationDate="2018-02-16T04:20:09.607" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Similar to @apaul's answer, I suggest to change the way you ask, and reduce the pressure, broadening your questions to encourage her to respond with what she can. However I am suggesting this for a different reason:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Whenever either our mum or I ask her if she's decided when she'll be going back to Australia she either says 'I don't know yet' or completely ignores our messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, this response tells us a lot. If she had decided to return to Australia in time for uni then she would have certainly told you. Which means she has decided against it and is struggling in breaking the news to you &lt;em&gt;(it seems as though in your situation this is not the case)&lt;/em&gt;, or genuinely has not decided yet. When trying to get her to share with you, I think it is important that you assume the latter as truth, but be mindful that the former may be possible. The question of &quot;when are you returning to Australia&quot; does not help in either case because as she has shown you, she does not want/know how to respond to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead I would ask her questions that are related, but might be a little easier to answer. This way you will get a clearer picture of what is going on and learn some of the contributing factors if she is still undecided. It also encourages her to open up if she is struggling to break the news to you by showing her that it is okay to talk about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How are you getting along with BF's family?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question leads into a conversation about how she feels about being in Japan, but is not inherently aggressive or difficult to answer. Likewise, a lead in question about her career related interests may encourage a conversation where you better understand what she is thinking in relation to uni. You have been leading with the toughest question straight away and she is shutting down almost immediately, which means it is important to build up slowly and open the dialogue rather than pushing her to answer your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a nice after-thought, properly talking about her situation with you might help clear up her own thoughts on the matter. Often things seem very mixed up and confusing until we actually put words to those thoughts and communicating with you could genuinely help her figure out what she wants. If you avoid being judgemental, or pushing for a response on what she will do, but instead ask about how she feels/what she thinks then she will be more likely to reciprocate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit: from your edit it seems as though you have started with these things before, and then tried to &quot;wiggle to the intended conversation&quot;, which she as always immediately shuts down. That does not change my answer whatsoever. Simply asking these things is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; my answer. Same with @apaul I am saying to stop pushing her to tell you her plans. Saying these things should not be a ploy to try and trick her into telling you what she is going to do, or &quot;lull her into a false sense of security&quot;. It is clear that she immediately knows that when you talk to her, you are eventually going to try and wiggle the conversation into what she is doing with her life and she does not want that. Instead I am suggesting you work with what you have got. Genuinely ask how she is doing, and show interest/prompt for more when she gives a generic answer. Do not try to steer the conversation to get her to tell anything. She is not communicating with you because you are not communicating properly with her, stop focusing on the one thing she is not currently willing to tell you and try to rebuild your relationship.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T04:56:16.517" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T04:56:16.517" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10342" CreationDate="2018-02-16T04:55:01.020" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Was there any chance that your neighbor locked the door out of a simple misunderstanding?  Odds are that they aren't fully aware of the methods by which your son accesses the house, and couldn't bring themselves to believe that the house truly was to remain unlocked (or feared that if something happened with it unlocked, they'd somehow be to blame)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People often do things we deem inadvisable or wrong; but, often if you start with a consideration of &quot;why would a fully reasonable person do this thing?&quot; you find that their actions might have an explanation that is far less intruding than you expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should you find this a plausible misunderstanding, you now have a smaller issue; that of you having wronged them by advertising your conflict with them in a public place (the school).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd look to your wife, asking if this view is possibly how they might see it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your wife says no, she's likely confirming that they culturally overstepped their bounds.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says it is possible, ask her if it would be appropriate to offer some small apology (for the words relayed in school) while communicating that it was all a misunderstanding.  You might regain some peace in the neighborhood at the expense of looking like a person who was deeply concerned about having your son locked out of the house, which blinded you to their attempt to do a good deed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again apologies are somewhat cultural, so look to your wife for the best way to apologize with the appropriate amount of dignity and respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, your nosy neighbor likely sees their interest in you as friendliness, and under these circumstances, you might find them to be a bit more reserved, permitting you a bit more peace of mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10404" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T04:55:01.020" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10545" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10549" CreationDate="2018-02-16T08:41:07.270" Score="22" ViewCount="10357" Body="&lt;p&gt;She is fully able bodied and not short of money.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has a hoarding problem, and her house just smells musty. She needs to do more washing basically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other day, she babysat for us. When we came back home at night, and opened the front door, we could smell her smell, as it had just filled the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I have no idea about how to even start talking about this subject. I know it should be my husband doing it, but we will all be dead before he says anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T10:06:40.767" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T20:58:31.643" Title="How do I or my husband tell my mother in law she smells?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10545" CreationDate="2018-02-16T09:03:23.930" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My paternal grandfather always used to smell, and he used to deny the fact that he was smelling. He would never listen to my mom about bathing, or just using some sort of air freshener, but when my dad told him the same thing, he finally accepted it. Sometimes, old folks are unable to smell their own smells, having got used to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do about it is that first ask your mother in law to put on some kind of perfume. If she asks why, or says she doesn't want it, just let her know (politely) that she smells, and you don't like it. If she denies the fact that she's smelling, tell your husband to try, and if you still have no success, maybe take her to a doctor whom she's familiar with, and will tell her that she's smelling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can get her to accept the fact that she smells, telling her to wash up, or even helping her out to do it as you wish, might work out better. And, your child won't be troubled by the musty smell anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But be aware that everything needs to be done in a way that your mother in law shouldn't feel insecure at any point. If she starts getting angry, or emotional, just calm her down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Although your husband would probably be best for this, if your mother in law is very fond of you/close to you, it's perfectly fine even if you do it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T09:03:23.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10547" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10534" CreationDate="2018-02-16T09:13:17.860" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to be honest here, stopping an overbearing parent from buying too many presents is a fight against windmills. You're not likely to succeed, at least not without severely souring your relationship with her. There are a couple of possibilities though that might work, but I wouldn't hold out too much hope:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Stop giving her loans, full stop.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the most likely to permanently sour your relationship with her, but also the most practical. Reason being that she'll be angry at you (angry == no presents, usually) and she also won't have the money to buy the presents. Might take a rude awakening or two when the end of the month is ramen only, but it'll get the point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Make a wishlist for important occasions (and keep the wishes on the list cheap &amp;amp; personal)&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found this works with my aunt, who has enough money but also used to overgift on every occasion she visited. I found out later that this was because she was trying to get me to visit more often and allow her to visit more often, together with a feeling of guilt that she wasn't caring enough for me. It's useful to direct that helpful need (as in, she needs to feel like she's helping) in a way less embarassing and less expensive for her. This has the advantage that she's not likely to be angry or disappointed and that you can pre-select what you'll get (maybe it'll be something useful or something you like then, too)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T09:13:17.860" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10534" CreationDate="2018-02-16T09:56:53.870" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many people feel that to maintain good relations, one must keep giving things, and getting things back in return. Some people give &lt;em&gt;small&lt;/em&gt; gifts on a few occasions (e.g. new year's, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc.). Others feel that they've got to make it &lt;em&gt;big&lt;/em&gt; to keep the relationship healthy. I'm not stereotyping people here, just saying that there's different kinds of people out there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It looks like your mother-in-law is the kind of person who loves to give big, overwhelming gifts, that you might just like. If you look at her intentions, she means well (I'm sure you knew that already).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I suppose it wouldn't have been such a hassle if you had been given a single large bottle of pineapple juice, instead of the 200 individual-serve cans, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can convince her that you're okay with a little less, and she doesn't mind giving you a little less either (seeing her nature), then I guess it'll be better than making her stop giving you gifts altogether, which she might not like, and might put a wedge between you and her. I'm taking that you don't mind a few small gifts on special occasions. In that case, you can make a few special requests which she would be more than happy to fulfil. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've got experience with my own uncle, who did the exact same thing on every special occasion (trust me, Indians have at least twice the number of special occasions that you guys do, so I guess you can understand how it was for my family).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the loans, I guess you'll know best as to whether your mother-in-law really needs them or not, and do that accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T10:05:31.147" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T10:05:31.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10545" CreationDate="2018-02-16T10:00:21.407" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;The smell is a symptom of a bigger problem and whilst it is the part that effects you perhaps the best path for all involved would be to focus on the root of the problem. There are several possible causes of your mother-in-law's behaviour but one I've come across is &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-excess/201510/senile-squalor-and-hoarding&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Diogenes Syndrome&lt;/a&gt; (otherwise known as senile squalor syndrome). This condition is characterised by hoarding, a lack of personal care (both in hygiene and eating), a lack of domestic care and, unfortunately, often an inability to perceive this as a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, unfortunately, this becomes primarily a medical problem rather than an interpersonal skills one. My advice would be to have someone she trusts sit down and talk things through with her, this may be you or your husband whichever you think she trusts most. You need to reassure her that you care and are willing to help with every step. Above all you need to have patience - it will be a long slow process full of denial - but it will be best in the long run. She will then need to see doctors who may be able to help (in the case I'm aware of this was a mix of OCD therapy and anti-depressants). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know your initial desire was only to reduce her smell but it is quite likely that she isn't looking after herself in many other ways you're unaware of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T10:00:21.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10545" CreationDate="2018-02-16T10:25:51.863" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I dont advise that you start any conversation related to the topic yourself. The best person to do this is one of her children. First of all, she needs to be aware of the problem otherwise you can't do anything about it. Once she is aware then if she is not willing or cant fix the problem by her own control, then you will probably need a psychology help as for sure this is related to a certain syndrome. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12607" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T10:25:51.863" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10551" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-16T13:00:59.420" Score="68" ViewCount="22561" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've started dating (i.e. having meals and drinks) with a school friend who I haven't seen in a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that time, my life has worked out quite well (home-owner, stable job, good health etc.) whereas hers has not (rented council house, no job, heavy smoker etc.) Just to be clear, I don't begrudge her for these things and she is looking to improve her life (find a job, quit smoking, exercise more etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of her finances, she tends to ask to borrow money. This has happened twice (asked for £10 to buy cigarettes and £10 for a taxi to my house).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the first occasion (to buy cigarettes), I said I didn't have £10 in my wallet to spare. On the second occasion, I said that it is a 5 minute walk between our houses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like the idea of lending people money unless they are family and it is really needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, &lt;strong&gt;how can I let my date know to stop asking me to lend her money?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5012" LastEditorDisplayName="user5012" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T07:46:16.840" LastActivityDate="2019-01-01T18:37:43.773" Title="How do I approach telling my date that I won't lend her money?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-16T13:45:45.567" Score="80" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;how can I let my date know to stop asking me to lend her money?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time she asks, explain it just like you did here: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but no. I don't like the idea of lending people money unless they are family, so I'd prefer it if you didn't ask again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leave out the 'really needed' part though, she might start playing on that if she knows. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't invent excuses or reasons why you're not going to give her any money. You'll run out eventually, and she'll keep asking because you haven't told her you don't loan people money. &lt;strong&gt;I have no way of gauging this person's character, but I'd like to warn you anyway:&lt;/strong&gt; If she keeps asking you for money, she might not be dating you because she likes you, but because she likes your money. That's a bad relationship, one that you might want to get out of as soon as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the case, however, &lt;strong&gt;the above sentence/approach has 1 risk:&lt;/strong&gt; she might stop seeing you because you're not going to be useful. &lt;strong&gt;If you want to keep your friendship &lt;em&gt;at any cost&lt;/em&gt;, your current approach might be better.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to follow through with telling her not to ask again, and she decides to just ignore that (and keeps asking), it is time for you to enforce your boundaries. Tell her again that her asking isn't appreciated, and that if she doesn't respect that boundary, you'll have to stop seeing her (depending on how hard you want to play this, but that's the only way to get it to stop sometimes). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T14:39:55.237" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T14:39:55.237" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10545" CreationDate="2018-02-16T13:59:10.147" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had the same problem with my father, sometimes he just couldn't smell that he smells, you get used to it as said in the comments, I told him : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dad, I love you  and sometimes you smell bad, and I don't want people to say that you smell bad, just thinking about it makes me sad. A shower once a day or once every two days wont hurt you, and it will save us some awkwardness. Can you please do that for me ?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That solved the problem forever. Your husband should talk to his mom and say that's it's embarrassing for her first, and for him. He should not mention that you remarked that too, it may be hurtful for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10335" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T15:20:09.597" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T15:20:09.597" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10500" CreationDate="2018-02-16T14:13:01.430" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is unimaginable that somebody would.reasonably feel justified in retroactively billing someone for watching Netflix. That is like billing my guests when they watch TV with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is more likely happening is that the girl is in financial trouble and too afraid to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I suggest is meeting her, talking and trying to sound out her root problem. If she is in trouble, tell her you will not pay her Netflix, but you will give her 10$ as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6092" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T14:13:01.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10557" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-16T14:13:47.260" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;Borrow or give?  If she wants to borrow money you could lend her a tenner sometime if you're feeling generous, as it's not that large an amount.   Don't ask for it back, consider it a gift (but &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; say that to her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when she invariably asks you if she can borrow money again in the future, you can say, &quot;Sorry, I lent you ten pounds last time, and you never gave that back&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is quite a red flag though.  It's wise to remember that people will often resent owing you anything, and many people are not that appreciative of generosity. unfortunately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2866" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T18:00:27.537" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T18:00:27.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10558" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-16T14:14:47.433" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell her you don't like loaning out money to people &quot;umless they are family and it is really needed.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I do think it's kind of ungenerous of you to be nickling and diming a girl you are dating, especially considering both of your circumstances. When I am hanging out with my friends, if one of us is financially strapped, no one minds covering for them, and if we do something that person can't afford to do, and it's too much to pay for them entirely, we just exclude them from the activity, and everyone understands. I have been on both ends of the financial spectrum, and when I'm doing well, it is my pleasure to treat my friends who are not able to keep up, and when I've been on a tight budget, my friends have always made sure that money doesn't create any bad feelings or embarassments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in relation to this, if I'm dating someone, and moreso &lt;em&gt;sleeping&lt;/em&gt; with them, if I'm considerably well off than my lover, taking care of them is default. I've bern lucky enough to have not run into too many cheapskates or nickel/diming types in my life, but when I do, I just, have no interest in keeping their company. It cheapens the joy in spending time with them, and it makes me feel like they are always and only looking out for themselves, and what is the difference between them and some stranger off the street? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this is just me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get that some people prefer not to share what they have with others, and I'm guessing that they are very much capable of being on their own when things get tough for them - or unable to find anyone willing to help them - and that's just the way they're wired. I'm not saying you should pay for the girl you're seeing, since you obviously do not care to, but you should let her know what kind of person you are so she can either (a) stop making you feel uncomfortable by asking you for money, or (b) she can leave you to be with someone who doesn't mind taking care of their lover/girlfriend/date. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last comment- I guess I can't help but disagree with your attitude. She's clearly destitute. Maybe you should stick with someone who is financially independent. Give this girl a chance to know what kind of person you are before you start sleeping with her, or it is you whose motives are less than pure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12710" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T14:14:47.433" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10500" CreationDate="2018-02-16T14:24:53.553" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorta with @spagirl; I reckon there is something behind the request and coming up short on returning home expenses the most likely scenario.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, unless there is a high likelihood that she is ticked off with you using her Netflix account, I would suggest a different approach, one more along the lines of: &quot;I'm not going to pay you for using Netflix - I don't believe I owe you money for that.  However I am prepared to give you the $10 if you need it&quot; and hand her the money.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Optional Extra:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, depending on your generosity and the value of the friendship, ask if she needs more money as you would rather give it than have her make up similar excuses to get money from other friends.  If she mentions an inability to repay you, tell her not to worry about it till she comes back to wherever you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3387" LastEditorUserId="3387" LastEditDate="2018-02-17T13:21:26.153" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T13:21:26.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10560" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10486" CreationDate="2018-02-16T15:23:37.033" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes I have this problem all the time. While the fuddie-duddies are correct to say that it's normal, they need to understand that on  apps like Discord you could be talking to hundreds of people simultaneously. My simple solution is to ALWAYS respond with a question, and don't be afraid of copy and pasting your original response to save time. At some point they need to understand you simply may not have time to fake-chat with them in a such a falsely friendly manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12831" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T15:23:37.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10561" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-16T15:31:57.043" Score="-1" ViewCount="308" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Jack&quot; has had a severe personal trauma in the 80ies as a young adult and as a result had a series of very unfortunate experiences with neurologists and psychologists within a confined hospital unit. Since then, he vehemently refuses to seek out any professional help with the argument that &quot;psychologists&quot; (referred to psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists alike, all thrown into the same pot) hurt more than they help and put financial compensation way before the well-being of the patient. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jack is, from the point of view of several close friends, in need of psychotherapy (mainly because of depression and the unhealthily resolved trauma) but refuses to seek out professional help until today. Jack is of no threat to his surroundings and is able to get by without professional help but the external view of the quality of his life is stagnating at best and deteriorating at worst (which I know can also be seen as normal symptoms of aging, but it is the severity which is alarming). Jacks personal view of his life is often ambiguous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is if there is any way I can argue to convince Jack to at least try out a few sessions of psychotherapy? What I've tried so far ranges from &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;trying to move the notion of psychologists and therapy in a better light&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;reporting on my positive personal experiences with psychotherapy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;trying to shine light on the deterioration of the life quality&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;doing absolutely nothing and accepting the situation as is&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to avoid being a &quot;know-it-all&quot; by putting my perception about Jack above his own. But I know that Jack would be in a much better state of being if he could rehabilitate his trauma with the help of a professional and empathetic outsider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12826" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-02-17T09:38:09.590" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T09:38:09.590" Title="How to persuade a close acquaintance to seek/try out psychotherapy?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-02-17T09:39:50.687" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10561" CreationDate="2018-02-16T15:47:01.073" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of trying to push him down a road he clearly does not wish to travel, point him to other resources, and let him reach his own conclusions on whether he requires more help or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some may not agree, but I would point him to Jordan Peterson's online (YouTube) video series on getting one's life in order, taming your inner demons, and taking personal responsibility. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His book - 12 Rules for Life - may be something that your friend would benefit greatly from reading. Peterson is a clinical psychologist by the way. If your friend likes the book, it may well change his mind on how useful the professionals in that field are to people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many similar resources on the web, and your friend may become far more receptive after accessing some of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T15:47:01.073" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10563" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10565" CreationDate="2018-02-16T16:03:51.053" Score="8" ViewCount="6886" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am really interested in this guy. I told him I like him and he said he thought I was cute but he was in a mono relationship right now and would still like to talk to me and get to know me. I still want to get to know him and be friends with him, but he takes days to reply or even a week. (usually I have to send him a message again when he is online so he replies)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have his number so I can't text him. He does have social media, but doesn't have the apps for it so he uses his laptop. On fb people usually click the blimps and forget about whether someone messaged them or there is a notification. I do that too. I don't know how to talk to this person if we can't even meet in real life (no common ground, no same classes or anything)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: How do I make plans to talk to them and get to know them if they don't use social media that much?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I mentioned more information in the comments so here is that information:&#xA;I met him on the dating app while they were poly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12433" LastEditorUserId="12433" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T18:15:57.317" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T06:53:37.830" Title="How to get to know someone who doesn't use social media frequently?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2002" CreationDate="2018-02-16T16:12:19.997" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I say go with it! It's not everyday that you meet someone that you can talk about anything with and it comes naturally easily and happily. Although I do agree to some degree that making oneself too available can sometimes backfire, I would have to say that if a girl is flying along with you in conversation as she clearly is, this may not apply. The not readily available approach is more appropriate to when you have a more guarded start to the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And whether it is unique to your relationship or to all of her relationships with everyone she knows, I wouldn't discount the potential for the uniqueness of her feelings toward you just yet. It's very possible that a person can be a social butterfly but still very much so regard a particular person very differently inside. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's such a treat to meet someone who you immediately fall into hours of engaging with right off the bat. Honestly in my experience this is the first sign of all the greatest, longest, and best relationships in my life. No need to hide your interest. Just enjoy the time you have with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12710" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T17:03:24.907" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T17:03:24.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10563" CreationDate="2018-02-16T16:33:32.027" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could just ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's interested in getting to know you better, and wants to invest the time, asking him for his phone number or for a way to contact him is a pretty reasonable thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Believe it or not, people used to communicate without social media. Way back in the way back, if you wanted to get to know someone you'd ask them for their phone number, call them up, and ask if they wanted to get together in person. I know that may seem antiquated, but it still works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After reading comments, I'm thinking there's a bit more to this situation/question...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned meeting them on a dating site and that they used to be in a polyamorous relationship. I would recommend treading very carefully here. Couples that &lt;strong&gt;used to be&lt;/strong&gt; polyamorous usually have reasons that it's a past tense thing. &lt;strong&gt;This should be a huge red flag.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that they tried it and it ended badly. Their relationship may not be in a great place as a result, particularly if one partner is still talking/flirting outside of what is now a monogamous relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying that you can't make friends, but be very very careful about anything more than that. Some people aren't as &lt;strong&gt;ethically&lt;/strong&gt; polyamorous as they seem to be online, and you may find yourself in a toxic situation if you pursue something more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to try to pursue anything with this person, friendship or something more, ask to meet their partner. If they seem hesitant about that, there's a pretty good chance that things aren't on the up and up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T16:58:36.180" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T16:58:36.180" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10563" CreationDate="2018-02-16T16:54:08.773" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it absolutely impossible for you both to meet? Because, if not, that is the surest way to become friends. As you have noted in your comment, real life interactions are preferable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if there's really no way to meet, here are some alternatives:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Invite him to online chat games&lt;/strong&gt; like &quot;Guess it in 20 messages&quot;, or random emoji games that are fun to play together. As spending time with each other is the only way to get closer, on an online interface, this is one of the coolest things you guys can do. If you think that he might not like it, there's no harm in trying... If he likes it, you're set, but if he doesn't, just change the topic to something he's REALLY interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Encourage him to maintain a stronger social media presence&lt;/strong&gt;. That way, he'll reply to your messages more, and you'll be able to do what you were trying earlier.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Have a fixed time to talk&lt;/strong&gt;, every week or day, whichever's more convenient.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As @apaul said in his short and brillz answer, &lt;strong&gt;ask for his number&lt;/strong&gt;. My parents started out that way too. Result: me!!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12724" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T16:54:08.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10561" CreationDate="2018-02-16T17:04:48.580" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does he know or is aware that he needs help? You said that he needs help from the point of view of close friends - but what does Jack think?&#xA;Jack isn't going to see someone professionally if he doesn't think he needs it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Jack acknowledges that he needs help, he just doesn't think paying someone to do it is useful, then perhaps you or someone similar can play devils advocate, and suggest he talk to you about his problems. You may be able to help a bit, (which may even be enough), but you could point that your advice can only go so far since you don't have the credentials, and someone professionally would be able to help better. That might make he change his mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't see that he needs help, then there's not much you can do. However if there comes a time where he is facing hard times, maybe PTSD, anxiety etc., you could say a few positives words but then suggest &quot;if you don't want to talk or would prefer to let someone who knows this stuff more than me talk to you then I'm happy to help. I could help you make an appointment if you wish.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm saying is, you may not be able to point it out in general, but maybe only when a certain point in time occurs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Maybe Jack just needs someone to talk to who has experienced what he has so that he feels he is better understood. Before suggesting professionals you could try to find a support group or a forum online for people with his condition/experiences&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9308" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T17:04:48.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10569" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-16T19:12:41.740" Score="2" ViewCount="3263" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been dating a person for a little over 2 months now, and he asked me out on Valentine's day. I was not expecting anything spectacular, but what he really did disappoint me a lot. First of all, he did not get me any roses or chocolate; instead he gave me a tiny cactus with my name spelled wrong (this really pissed me off). Secondly, he did not make reservations for the restaurant, so we sat in the outside seating area because the restaurant was fully booked. I was very disappointed at how little effort he made for Valentine's day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm starting to think maybe we are not a good match for each other. He seems like he does not want to try hard to impress me, but I like guys who would go the extra mile to make me happy, especially on special occasions like Valentine's day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions: How to tactfully let this person know that he disappointed me and I expect better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12845" LastEditorUserId="12845" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T21:06:28.587" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T18:59:07.637" Title="How do I tell my date that I am very disappointed at his behavior?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10570" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-16T19:28:51.863" Score="13" ViewCount="3907" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my closest girl friends that I dated for a while - and then remained close friends with even after we decided to just be friends - got married over the past two years and also just had a baby.  I was invited to neither the wedding nor the baby shower.  On my birthdays, she still sends me a nice Facebook chat message, and it's always nice to hear from her.  We never had a falling out of any kind.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, after we stopped dating, we always met up in the cute coffee houses and tea rooms that we used to go to -- but this time, we'd share gossip about the new people we were dating.  It was always a really fun time with her, and we were really supportive of each other. I usually initiated these meetups, more so than her - but she'd always choose the places that we'd go to, e.g. &quot;let's go back to tea room X!&quot;, which I'd always happily agree to, and the meetings were always really fun, since we'd have so much to catch up on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The few years that we remained friends, she was great about meeting up during the holidays, our birthdays, start of summer, fall seasons, etc. We always had reasons to meet up -- and sharing gossip about our new dating lives was pretty entertaining for both of us, I'd say.  However, the contact stopped pretty much completely, once she got married, except for the birthday messages she'd leave me through Facebook messenger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still saw her after her being engaged, but closer towards her wedding (which I had no knowledge of), we stopped meeting, and I found out about the wedding and her new child through her Facebook status updates. I congratulated her by emails only, not in person; realizing that I hadn't gotten invited to either event, I then stopped inviting her out altogether.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We haven't met up in over two years now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Now that she's married and has started a family with her husband, how can I reach out to her to see whether we could catch up over coffee or dinner?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-02-17T15:48:27.373" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T07:38:39.287" Title="Asking an ex-girlfriend out to coffee, now that she's married and has a child" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10569" CreationDate="2018-02-16T19:41:27.027" Score="48" Body="&lt;p&gt;The misspelling of your name is indeed annoying, and may indicate a lack of attention on his part. I would point that out and ask him to do a better job next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not making a reservation on Valentine's may simply stem from not having too much experience with exactly how busy/booked restaurants typically get on that day of the year, and is probably an honest mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to dissect your expectations a little bit, however. You're very keen on the fact that he didn't get you roses or chocolates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You guys &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;barely&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; know each other (2 months is not a long time-frame in a relationship). Roses are seriously marked up this time of year (in south Ontario a $13 bouquet goes for almost &lt;strong&gt;$50&lt;/strong&gt; on Valentine's). Perhaps this young man simply doesn't have the finances to spoil you the way you see done in movies. That's the way it often is in the real world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He still got you a gift though, and tried to take you out to dinner, which is a financial sacrifice on his part, and very thoughtful. Sure, the execution left something to be desired, but who's to say that this time next year he wouldn't try to do a lot better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your inclination to part ways with him simply because he isn't spoiling you says more about your personality than his, really. One might even inquire if you got him so much as a cactus in return for a dinner out on the town. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I don't want to be judgmental, but I am suggesting that not showering you in gifts after only 2 months of dating is not quite the slap in the face you're making it out to be, and that there are perhaps other, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;better&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, indicators of whether you should continue to date him or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that I came to realize as I matured is that it's not necessarily the gestures on special events (such as on Valentine's / your birthday) that matter most in life, but the little day to day things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does he make you laugh? Carry your backpack for you? Open the door? Does he demonstrate caring and understanding on a day to day basis in a million little ways? (These gestures will differ from person to person, and culture to culture)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A jerk who gives you a fancy gift on Valentine's is not worth putting up with if he treats you like garbage the rest of the year. Whereas a guy who treats you nicely, and makes your day better 364 days of the year can be forgiven for not making a restaurant reservation on day 365.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T22:29:54.510" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T22:29:54.510" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10570" CreationDate="2018-02-16T19:56:09.110" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now that she's married and has started a family with her husband, how can I reach out to her to see whether we could catch up over coffee or dinner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask.  She will either make time, or she won't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On my birthdays, she still sends me a nice Facebook chat message&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd use the same medium she uses, then give her time to consider it and respond. Perhaps something along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's been awhile since we visited, and I wanted to catch up.  Can we meet for coffee sometime?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it light and undemanding. If she wants to meet, she'll make it happen.  If not, then she won't meet.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't expect to get a direct response from her, though, the fact that she essentially ghosted you doesn't mean that she did so intentionally, but she was aware that you were no longer a priority in her life and allowed it to happen all the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your guesses and suppositions as to why she's become unavailable are just that - trying to read something into the situation won't help you recover your friendship, so ignore assumptions and guesses, be straightforward, and it'll either work out or it won't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or would doing so be disrespectful to her husband and any new boundaries that may have been set, following her marriage? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is very dependent on culture and personality, but in the US I don't think it would be disrespectful.  If she told you to not to contact her and you did, that would be disrespectful.  She hasn't said anything like that, so there's no need to assume this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am wondering whether married folks are naturally expected to end communication with their exes -- even if they ended things amicably with their exes and stayed close friends the entire time. If that were the case, then I'll just accept that I will lose friends throughout my life, as they get married and move on to start new lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this is culturally dependent, and even here in the US some people are concerned when their significant other maintains contacts with former significant others.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will ultimately be up to her whether to allow you to restart your friendship or not, but she hasn't done it herself, so you'll have to take the first step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully she is forthright and tells you upfront whether there's a problem keeping you as a friend.  All you can do is extend the invitation, then it's up to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that a new marraige and particularly a new baby take up a lot of time and resources.  Even if she declines now, it may not be due to lack of desire or freedom to keep your friendship.  She may just need time and space, and contacting her occasionally might still be ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T19:56:09.110" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10573" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10563" CreationDate="2018-02-16T20:02:49.397" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't push it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He has a GF now.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He's a guy and you're a female.  (I know I will get static for this.  But our culture has not become completely symmetrical in courtship culture.  It will go better for you if you let the man make a move.  There are some subtle ways to at least let him know receptivity (smiling and such) if you are worried he is shy.  But bottom line, making the first direct move won't work out.  Cold hard truth.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He may not be that interested in you.  You've already basically let him know you are available.  And he hasn't taken any more initiative.  It's not even if you were playing it that super close to the vest.  Ball is in his court and he's not acting.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.s.  I have to be glad that social media did not exist in the past as it was harder for someone to hang out and just try to get noticed in your feed or texting you or the like.  (And pester.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of worring about this guy look for another one.  Oh...and do some activities, not just electronic stuff.  Go to parties, bars, join a running club, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12846" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T20:02:49.397" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10574" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10570" CreationDate="2018-02-16T20:06:30.713" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;This feels like one of those situations where you're making a mountain out of a molehill. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the comments, it sounds like &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; stopped the contact as her life events changed, and &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; decided it was inappropriate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it doesn't really sound like she had any input in this (beyond doing normal sorts of life things, as people do), I don't see why just messaging her (on Facebook or email or however you have contact) with something like &quot;I was thinking of you and how we haven't gotten to catch up since your wedding/baby/etc and thought it might be nice to reconnect over coffee. Do you have time in the near future to meet up?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it non-committal and light in tone - after all, you want to make it clear it's friendship you're looking at, not anything more. After that, it's in her court, and she will respond or not as she feels comfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've made a lot of assumptions about why she stopped talking to you - maybe it's just a case of her having a lot of busy things in her life - marriage and babies and such do take a lot of time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind - the more big of a deal you make it about your past, the worse off you will be - if she wants to spend the time with you, she'll find a way to make that happen. If she doesn't, then unfortunate as it is, you will just need to accept this chapter of your life insofar as your friendship has closed, or has diminished. It sucks, for sure, but constantly thinking on it like this and finding someone to blame for it won't help you feel better, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Insofar as her not inviting you to the baby shower and wedding - those are more personal events, so perhaps either she didn't feel close enough to you to want to invite you, or because of your past history, she didn't feel like that was necessary to have you there. That alone isn't enough to say &quot;oh hey yup friendship over&quot; - I have a decent number of friends who I meet up for casual things like coffee or what have you that I'd not invite to events like that in my life, and I'd not expect them to invite me either. There are different layers of closeness, after all. :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think the lack of invites to those big events in her life necessarily is a strong indicator that she wants to cut off all contact with you - I'd still try to approach her and see how she feels about spending time with you in a casual friendship sort of way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastEditorUserId="75" LastEditDate="2018-02-17T19:24:50.490" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T19:24:50.490" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10545" CreationDate="2018-02-16T20:37:34.083" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One consideration is that if the smell comes back after she's showered and done laundry, it could come from some compounds in her diet that her GI tract is not fully breaking down.  If you can smell it (or something unusual) on her skin or breath, that's one possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would also be helpful to localize the smell to (possibly particular) clothes and/or her body, to identify whether she's generating it or if her clothes have absorbed the smell (regardless of source) and are re-exuding it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2318" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T20:37:34.083" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10570" CreationDate="2018-02-16T20:52:45.933" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a little telling that you edited out the part about having dated this person in the past and that you suspect that her husband is the reason that contact has dropped off...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's telling me that you're very concerned about the way you're perceived in the situation. Sometimes it's the ones who protest the loudest about the purity of intentions that have questionable intent. Removing the context here definitely gives that appearance, as there's a pretty big difference between a friend diminishing contact and someone you used to date diminishing contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that aside, it's fairly normal for newly married people to focus on their marriage and pull back a bit from other social situations. Much more so when babies first enter the picture. This is pretty normal, a new marriage and infant are really very time consuming and much more personally rewarding than tea with friends, and naturally takes priority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand... You're her ex. Whether you want to edit that out of the question or not, you can't &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unring_the_bell&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;unring the bell.&lt;/a&gt; Being her ex complicates things considerably. She may not feel comfortable meeting with you now that she's in a much more serious committed relationship. Going on pseudo dates and engaging in playful gossip about people you dated may have felt harmless when she wasn't in a serious relationship, but that situation has changed and it may not feel so harmless anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So that leaves you with the remaining question of what to do about it.&lt;/strong&gt; Your best bet is to let her go, until you're both fully comfortable with reframing the relationship. No more one on one pseudo dates. No more comparing notes about romantic partners. Just regular old platonic friendship. That's not saying that discussing your relationships will forever be off the table, it's just saying that the tone and nature of those conversations will probably have to change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T20:52:45.933" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-16T21:31:43.977" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're at risk of papering over a larger issue: Are you two &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; &quot;dating&quot; and what does that mean to each of you.  I was actually once in a very similar situation to yours --I had been casually dating a woman for a few weeks.  I liked her a lot, but wasn't sure she felt the same way.  When she unexpectedly asked me to give her a considerable sum of money so she could travel (electively) it clarified two things for me:  One, that she wasn't really interested in me romantically, and two, that she wasn't someone I was interested in pursuing any further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are both fine with just staying friends, and that's clearly all this is for either of you, I'd either lend her the money, or not as you choose, and not worry too much more about it.  But if you're thinking this could be romance, this is a big red flag for the relationship.  On the one hand, either she's exploiting your interest in her, with no real intention to return your affections OR she has expectations that her romantic partner will help her out financially in ways that you seem entirely unwilling to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this was a brand-new relationship I'd say it would be pretty bold of her to just start asking you for money out of the blue.  But since you've been friends for a while, it seems like you both should have had some idea of what you were getting into by rekindling your acquaintance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastEditorUserId="4197" LastEditDate="2018-02-16T22:05:30.707" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T22:05:30.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-16T22:47:52.637" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You called her your &quot;date&quot; and you said dating = &lt;code&gt;having meals and drinks with a friend&lt;/code&gt;.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Which is she&lt;/strong&gt;, your date or your friend?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If she's your friend&lt;/strong&gt; and you bought the dinner/drinks for her because you're better off, then it is okay to for her to ask you for cash for cigarette money, and it is okay for you to decline.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I'd decline on the grounds that it is bad for her - but that's me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If she's your date&lt;/strong&gt; she could still ask for money by saying, &quot;Hey would you buy me some cigs? I'm trying to quit but I'm really craving right now... please?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, a person on a date with you wouldn't ask for cash to buy something.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I grant that cultures are different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who keeps the change from the cig transaction?  It is a small amount, but it represents a lot in this case.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should actually discuss this with her (&quot;Where do you see this going?&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My guess is that she doesn't think the two of you are dating, not in the sense that you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9927" LastActivityDate="2018-02-16T22:47:52.637" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10584" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-17T00:14:01.133" Score="5" ViewCount="418" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am learning two foreign languages. I know that learning does not happen in a vacuum and that I need to practice with native speakers. Most natives in my area already speak English, and I have nothing else to offer. I am uncomfortable with the idea of befriending someone based on their race, in addition to the fact that I do not want to make them feel like I am using them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12856" LastActivityDate="2018-02-18T02:37:35.900" Title="Interested in learning a foreign language and need to practice with natives, how do I not make them feel like I am using them as free tutors?" Tags="&lt;language&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10585" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10596" CreationDate="2018-02-17T00:24:56.857" Score="0" ViewCount="1896" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's difficult to put into words without sounding mean or judgemental, but I honestly have no idea how else to put this. Just note that I only have the best intentions for everyone and wish for the best case scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who I've always felt strange about. Whenever we chat, it always felt like some of the things I asked of her just didn't compute for her. This commonly occurred when I asked her to justify her opinions that she expressed. Usually, she wouldn't be able to in a manner that conveyed logic. All of her opinions sounded like she was just regurgitating BuzzFeed/Tabloid opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite this, she was accepted into a few universities, so I didn't think much of it. I assumed that she must've been very smart academically (math, writing, who knows?). This all changed about a few hours ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interestingly, this same friend is deciding to switch universities (for the 3rd time). Incidentally, we're applying to the same school. About a few days before the application deadline, she asked me to review her application.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was quite surprised that someone who has so much experience applying to universities (and getting in too!) was asking the help of a community college sophomore with below average writing skills. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when I read her essay, I was completely dumbfounded. I am not a good writer, but even I could tell it was a terrible essay. She talked about celebrities, &lt;em&gt;anime&lt;/em&gt; and tap-danced around sensitive racial subjects with ignorance I have never witnessed before. &lt;em&gt;In a personal statement essay&lt;/em&gt;. The essay reeked of informality, lack of direction and any common sense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I asked her for her previous college application essays, they were significantly better in both vocabulary, sentence complexity, and story-telling. Almost as if they were written by a completely different person. When I asked her about this contrast, I was right: both of her previous essays were written by two separate friends. In other words, she got into the universities because of essays she didn't even write.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Attending these Universities were in no way beneficial to her either. She still has no idea what she wants to major in and her average GPA was barely 3.0. I almost felt bad for her. Being a sucker for guilt, I did the same task as her other two friends did. We stayed up late into the night and submitted the essay minutes before the deadline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I realize I was screwing my friend over if she got accepted into the university. Like her previous two friends, I was setting her up for failure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm just a mere community college student with a lot less university experience, but my grades are near perfect and I've peer-reviewed essays for a few of my friends that got accepted so I feel that I have some weight to my words/questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A) [Should I/Do I have the right to] tell her the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B) If I [should/do], how do I tell her that the University she's going to (if accepted) probably isn't going to work out for her if previous Universities didn't? To an extent, I am unafraid to bruise her feelings and I think she can take it. But how do I word it for minimal bruising?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before any confusion happens: she's not a bad friend or bad person. Outside of this, I enjoy spending time with her in our social circles. I honestly think she's just desperate. Her father is also a PhD from MIT, so I imagine the pressure for her is pretty intense too. I don't think he knows she's doing poorly in school and I believe he's under the impression that the essays she submitted to previous universities were written by her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12836" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T17:40:55.210" Title="How would one explain to a friend that even if they're accepted to a University, it's probably not a good idea to attend?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-02-17T19:20:25.817" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10586" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10584" CreationDate="2018-02-17T00:27:39.433" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a few options here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Number one - If there are people you know already in a friendship or other connected way who speak the language you want to learn, be upfront with what you're doing. Mention that you want to practice your target language, and ask them if they're okay with that. If you have specific topics you want to talk about, mention that as well. This way, everyone is on the same page and they can decline or not as they choose. Who knows, you might already have friends who want to help! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Number two - if you know people in your area that might speak the language, but you're worried about it looking like you're befriending them based on race or other principles - again, just be honest. Mention that you know they know your target language (or ask if they know it, if you're not sure), and that you've been looking to practice your target language, and you wondered if they'd be okay with you speaking to them in whatever language you want to learn, and correcting you along the way. They might say yes, they might say no - but at least this way you all know what the expectations are of your interactions. This way it lessens the potential for someone to think you are just using them for free tutoring, because you've been honest and upfront about what you need and want. Be wiling to meet them halfway - maybe not all of your interactions will be language learning ones, but I'm sure you could gain other benefits from new friendships as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Number three - avoid this entirely by finding another resource - maybe there is a group in your area that already meets to do this very thing (like in my area, we have a number of &quot;conversation circles&quot; for English language learners, where they get together over coffee or the like knowing they're all there to practice English). Or look online - there are a number of resources for learning languages, and I know I've seen some sites out there specifically for speaking with people in a particular target language to learn it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Number four - offer to pay the people you know to practice with you. Maybe it's not monetary, maybe you make them dinner once in a while and you share a meal and a conversation in a particular language, or you trade skills - I trade baking for rides a lot because I don't have a car. Perhaps you could do the same but for the language help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For both number one and number two, tailor your expectations to what sort of help you're looking for. Do you want them to speak also in your target language back to you, or are they okay to use whatever language you already share? being as upfront and honest about what your goals are leaves the people you are looking to speak with free to make an informed decision about whether or not they want to take this on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T00:27:39.433" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-17T00:27:43.230" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I let my date know to stop asking me to lend her money?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a bit of a strange question because evidently you already know the answer: you keep saying &quot;no&quot; until either she stops asking, or stops dating you, or you stop seeing her.  If &quot;no&quot; is effective, then it's effective. If it's ineffective, well, do you want to be with someone who won't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would encourage you to not elaborate on the &quot;no&quot;.  The answer to &quot;why not?&quot; is &quot;I'd rather not discuss it&quot;, repeat as necessary.  Again, you can find out &lt;em&gt;real fast&lt;/em&gt; who will and will not take no for an answer when you say &quot;I'd rather not discuss it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However there is a more fundamental problem with the question: your question is a specific version of the more general question &quot;how can I change someone else's behaviour?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to change other people's behaviour creates drama. The only person whose behaviour you can control is your own, and it sounds like you are doing a fine job of it.   Keep controlling your own behaviour to meet your own entirely reasonable standards. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4627" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T00:27:43.230" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10584" CreationDate="2018-02-17T00:29:08.290" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell them you want to learn their language and you like to practice with people who are natives of that language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could just go to anyone of them and ask something like: Hi, I like to learn Spanish and I like to practice. Would you like to talk to me or do you know someone who I should talk to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Many people are happy that others are interested in them and in their language - without any compensation. Just try!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T00:29:08.290" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10589" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10606" CreationDate="2018-02-17T01:01:49.403" Score="3" ViewCount="893" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've recently come to the conclusion that I would like to end several old friendships. I keep making up excuses why I don't have time to see them, when I don't want to see them, and also don't have time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are mostly friends that know each other or at least used to know each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that I've valued friendships as something inherently valuable and for old friendships they've become a sort of investment. This is until I realize that although it may be amusing to reminisce over nostalgic memories at times, there is no way this can in any way possibly justify the amount of time I keep putting in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to stop having to deal with friends, but at the same time leave things in a note that attempts to leave no hard feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12857" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T22:35:57.963" Title="How to politely end old friendships?" Tags="&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-02-24T16:13:41.827" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10584" CreationDate="2018-02-17T01:15:42.377" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being open and clear to people solves both your problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're interested in learning a new language, you've got to be able to show your enthusiasm to the native speakers, and tell them exactly what you're doing. Treat them as you'd treat any other friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people, if they're proud of their native language and culture, will be more than happy to help another person trying to learn their language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel guilty about it, or that you owe them something, offer them either money, or payment in kind, like inviting along for movies, giving them little things they'll surely like, etc. It's not like teaching them another language is the only way of returning their favor...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, not everyone may be completely open to helping out another person, and some may feel offended, as you have noted, for being befriended for their race. In this case, tell them you meant well, but stay clear of them. They're not the kind who'll be helpful for your needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T01:15:42.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10585" CreationDate="2018-02-17T02:21:07.617" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;That's not something you would be able to bring up, and not have a fight on your hands. Quite simply, let nature run its course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also no point in you telling her that she's a terrible student. Trust me, she's well aware. Offering the opinion that she should drop out is also not a good idea - she probably would, given the chance, but some pressure (probably fear of disappointing her accomplished parents) are keeping her feet to the fire. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let her do her thing, and see what happens. If she fails, she fails. If she rallies, she rallies. If she asks for your help, offer it to the extent that you can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more important thing to keep in mind is to not let her drag you down with her (for example by writing her essays well into the night when you should be doing your own homework). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She'll have to find her own motivation and determination to succeed. If anything, you should offer advice in this area of her life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you want to help her find her path:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend (for the second time today) checking out some of the material that professor Jordan Peterson has posted on YouTube. You can ignore the political commentary, and go straight for his lectures discussing personal responsibility, and getting one's act together. He's published a book (12 Rules for Life) which is addresses this very subject, and may serve your friend well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have personally found his material to be very interesting, and have been inspired me to make some positive changes in my life. However, you could find some completely different material, and use that instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to broach the subject is to send her the video link, and tell her you think it's interesting. After giving her a couple of days to have watched it, talk it over with her. Discuss the points it brings up, and see if she feels at all inspired to make a change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get as involved (or not) with this process as you feel comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-17T17:40:55.210" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T17:40:55.210" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10585" CreationDate="2018-02-17T02:31:53.700" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, I think you're dramatically overestimating the impact of the personal essay on the admission decision. You need marks, and in some cases you also need reference letters and the &quot;right&quot; extra curriculars. Universities are not unaware that people get help with their admission essays, btw.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, let's get to why your friend should not bother accepting this offer. Seriously, &lt;strong&gt;why?&lt;/strong&gt; Is it that the tuition would be a waste of money? Whose? That the crushing feelings of rejection that will accompany failing out will be too hard to take? What are the downsides of going off to a program for which you are not qualified? You need to know this before you can proceed, and you cannot know this on your own or by guessing. Only your friend knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in your shoes, I would want to know why your friend is changing programs. It's possible that your friend is in fact quite smart but needs to be in a program that's a good fit, that is motivating and enjoyable, and that will lead forward toward success. There is such a difference between changing universities because you found the program too hard or uninteresting, because they told you they were going to expel you, because you had a terrible breakup and want to get out of the city where the ex lives, because you miss your parents too much and want to get back to the city where they live, or because you realized during a summer job that some particular program is where you belong and your current university doesn't offer it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure why you want to be your friend's volunteer guidance counselor, but if you do, you should do a good job of it. Ask questions and listen to the answers. When you understand why your friend is switching universities, and what your friend hopes to get from this third one, you'll be able to help with reaching those goals. When you understand what the risks and downsides are, you'll be able to gently ask questions like &quot;what if you fail a course?&quot; or &quot;what if this program turns out to be uninspiring too?&quot; or &quot;what if you don't make friends at the new place?&quot; to help your friend see those risks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may end up &quot;proving&quot; that going to university is a waste. You may end up learning a lot about your friend and supporting those goals in a practical and ongoing way, far more than a late night essay rewrite. Or you may end up just shaking your head about how a seemingly sensible person can be so deluded, and wishing someone would bankroll you in that way when failure is the obvious outcome. But at least you'll be operating from knowledge and not just assumptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T02:31:53.700" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10561" CreationDate="2018-02-17T04:26:03.843" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would start with a medical doctor, who can do a number of things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;discuss the pros and cons of medications for the depression&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;do a depression screening (this in itself can help a person realize that life could be better, which can open a dialogue and/or create motivation for change&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;create better awareness of the relationship between mood and physical health&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good doctor can show earnest interest in Jack's well-being, overall.  This can be a good start towards better health in all regards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's my main suggestion.  Minor ideas: a clergy person he could talk to, a well-led support group, see if he would like to volunteer with the Mental Health Association by answering the crisis line or the warm line (another hotline people can call, but for non-crisis issues), watch a movie together where someone reaches healthy insights through therapy, make sure he's eating healthy and getting exercise, and if not, invite him to eat and/or exercise with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-02-17T04:34:58.443" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T04:34:58.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9103" CreationDate="2018-02-17T05:32:58.083" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm the same as you and don't care for other people telling me how to act, feel, or respond.  It's none of their business.  But I've learned that when I don't give any facial expressions, people can't read me, and assume that I'm a certain way.  Although it's not fair or accurate, that's the way it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this person is someone you are friends with and see often, then just share your annoyance with them.  If they are someone you see rarely, and it's not worth the aggravation of discussing with them, then just suck it up and don't respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know how you feel and it's very annoying!  Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12050" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T05:32:58.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-17T06:39:09.263" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't borrow money to anyone outside of your family, period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are only enabling her by borrowing her money. Over time she will be primed to almost &quot;expect&quot; money from you on the whim. Subsequent refusal would only lead to her potentially snapping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So how to refuse her money?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her sternly that you don't borrow anyone money for personal reasons. Ironically she will more than likely respect you for standing your ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7819" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T06:39:09.263" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-17T07:25:36.133" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Oh boy, oh boy.  I know the answer to this one. Here's the green check-mark lowdown...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You asked, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I let my date know to stop asking me to lend her money?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't. It's not nice to tell adults what to do, unless of course they ask for advice, preferably on the internet. Just don't lend her money and she'll eventually quit asking - probably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't ask,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I say no?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No,&quot; works. But to be a little less blunt, the first time, say, &quot;Janice, I have a rule I live by. I never lend money. I know you'll respect that.&quot; (This works best if the woman's name is Janice.) Give no explanation. Explanations invite discussion. Ditto for exceptions. It's your rule, and that's that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that when she asks for money, smile and say, &quot;Janice, you know my rule.&quot; If she pleads her case, listen until she stops, then say, &quot;I understand what you said, but I choose not to.&quot;  You can say that as many times as necessary. &quot;I understand what you said, but I choose not to.&quot; That is good for many kinds of requests. Memorize it. Once she figures out you are not good for loans, she will be asking for favors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11359" LastEditorUserId="11359" LastEditDate="2018-02-17T07:53:37.660" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T07:53:37.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10603" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-17T08:31:55.697" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hope I'm wrong, but this rings the same alarm bells for me as for other answerers - it sounds like there is a high risk this person is using your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Equally you might jump the wrong way, the other way as well. When my partner and I were dating, we were in the same situation as you and yours - I was in a situation of great poverty and my partner was advised not to date people who were in that situation, for the same reasons others have said it here. But unlike your situation, my partner was fairly easily able to answer indignantly that I'd never asked to borrow money, and not let it be anything other than fair as to who paid for meals out etc - and told me of the &quot;advice&quot; and misassumption because of the trust we had built up over such things. And I never have. Not everyone's situations are the same, but I would like to mention this for those who think its a bad idea - look at how a person acts, not what their bank account is like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case the other answers don't work for you, or you want to give her some kind of a chance, here is a different approach. &lt;em&gt;&quot;Can I have it back by Friday?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; If she agrees, its Friday. If she says another day not too far away, that's fine, its that other day. Then watch what happens, and if it's not repaid you can simply say you're waiting for the last one to come back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Watch out for emotional games - again there is a risk not a certainty. To reassure you, you aren't being &quot;bad&quot; if you don't lend. You are being sensible. Don't create the expectation in the first place, that it &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; happen, if you are not comfortable living with that expectation or if it wouldn't be sustainable emotionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put simply, family or not, it may be worth a small amount of cash just for peace of mind and certainty what kind of person/borrower she is. And also this makes very clear what terms its on, so it can't be &quot;forgotten about&quot;, and therefore what her word is worth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T08:31:55.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10604" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10486" CreationDate="2018-02-17T09:52:41.443" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have quite a lot of internet friends and I have faced this problem a few times before. Normally, I would bluntly say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like it if you could skip the formalities and get to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’d prefer if you’d get to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it depends on the type of friends that you have. Some people like to do the formalities as it seems more natural to start a conversation with it. Sometimes this happens because your friend has something important to say or does not feel comfortable talking to you. I hope this helps though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12865" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T09:52:41.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10589" CreationDate="2018-02-17T11:29:42.290" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To answer your question:&lt;/strong&gt; If you really want to end old friendships, pretend to be busy whenever they call and never call back. It's not polite but when you do this often, frequency of calls you get reduces and over a period of time, everyone kind of gets the point that you are not interested in keeping up the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I never ended a friendship but did nothing to maintain them either. I recently realized that if I face any problem, I'd not have anyone close enough to discuss it except my family and a couple of colleagues from work - not an ideal situation to be. I've now got in touch with a few old friends via social networking groups but we have to put in a lot of effort to renew the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My advice:&lt;/strong&gt; I don't think you should end a friendship unless the relationship is toxic or the particular friend is a negative person and you don't want them in your life. You can reduce the number of calls and tell them you can't meet since you are busy. But call them a couple of times in a year so that you are still there for each other if needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T11:29:42.290" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10569" CreationDate="2018-02-17T17:18:09.283" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Amusingly, the same stuff nearly happened to me the first and only time I went with my GF to a restaurant on valentine's day: traffic jams were a lot worse than usual, the restaurant had overbooked so we would have had to wait for at least an hour under pouring rain while listening to angry couples yelling at each other and breaking up, etc, anyway the usual v-day night stuff, my friend who owns a restaurant says it's always like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, she said something like &quot;I'm so sorry I insisted all week for this!&quot; (best possible answer LOL), we decided to &quot;screw that, we'll come back next week&quot; and had some Chinese take out instead, followed by a night of celebrating love... it's valentine's day after all!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How people handle problems and mistakes (theirs, and the mistakes of others) tells a lot about their character. In the above anecdote I was very happy about her reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in chronological order, let's start with the cactus. When you received a cactus with your name misspelled, you could have chosen to...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignore the problem completely &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You decide &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.fr/search?safe=off&amp;amp;client=opera&amp;amp;hs=sD8&amp;amp;biw=1277&amp;amp;bih=746&amp;amp;tbm=isch&amp;amp;sa=1&amp;amp;ei=41mIWvj4FZGZsAfnnZDIBg&amp;amp;q=cactus%20gift%20valentine%20day&amp;amp;oq=cactus%20gift%20valentine%20day&amp;amp;gs_l=psy-ab.3...2157.2742.0.3038.5.5.0.0.0.0.163.426.0j3.3.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..2.0.0....0.A8VXn3Smcro&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the cactus is cute&lt;/a&gt;, shrug it off, everything's fine, it's unusual and creative, why not, kumbaya, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Solve or remove the problem&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A cactus is quite an unusual gift on valentine's day, so it would not have been out of place to ask why a cactus. Maybe he had an actual reason, like it lasts much longer than roses, or it makes really nice flowers once a year, or it's environmentally friendly, who knows. Or maybe it was the only thing left in the flower store because flowers were sold out, which wouldn't be surprising on valentine's day. Or maybe he thinks you're prickly, but if he does, that's useful information that you'd also want to know...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likewise for the misspelled name. Maybe the store clerk wrote it and he didn't check. Or maybe he just doesn't know how to spell it, which I agree would be bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pretend to ignore it, yet assume the worst and hold a grudge&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Create more problems and pile them up on top of the original one&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, that sounds more like it, since you say you &quot;got pissed&quot;. But what I find more interesting is what you don't say: whether you asked why you got a cactus, why the name was misspelled, and what he answered if you did ask. In fact, you don't write any information about him... And people here would need to know more about him in order to answer this question: &quot;How to tactfully let this person know that he disappointed me and I expect better?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when you were told you would have to wait because he didn't have a reservation, what did he say?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, you talk about him a bit like you would talk about an appliance or other commodity... So, we don't know anything about his current mood. For example, all these scenarios are possible...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He already knows you were disappointed, and will make an apology later, in this case all you have to do is accept it with a smile. Maybe he's on a similar internet forum, posting his own take on this and asking how to fix things!...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or, after observing your problem-solving skills, maybe he won't be answering your calls anymore.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or he doesn't care.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or he's completely clueless and did not realize you were disappointed. I find this one a bit hard to believe, but who knows.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway. To answer your question. This will be generic since I have no information about him. I'd suggest starting with the easiest. Forget about the rest of the incident for now and ask why you got a cactus. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apologize for getting pissed, laugh about it, then find out why he picked that unusual gift choice. If you agree with his reasons, this removes your reasons for being angry about the cactus, which should put you both in a much better mood. Likewise, even if you disagree with his reasons, at least listen to them. If you want him to do better in the future, you have to tell him how, ie, talk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point it is safe to talk about the restaurant fiasco, and conclude that eating out on valentine's day is the Worst Idea Ever due to obvious logistics reasons, maybe next year you will have a cozy evening at home and he will cook that special recipe from his granma which totally rocks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, view it as &quot;let's see what went wrong so next time will be better&quot; instead of assigning blame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T17:18:09.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10589" CreationDate="2018-02-17T17:41:17.507" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I graduated 10th grade, I went to a different school, and many of my friends joined other schools to complete their higher secondary (grades 11 and 12).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had known them for many years (although I don't know how my &quot;many&quot; compares with your &quot;old friends&quot; :D) and when I had to leave school, I had a choice regarding my friends: either maintain my old friendships through social media, frequent meet-ups, and parties, or to see and know less of them (we still stay in the same city and live pretty nearby, so I could still see them if I really wanted to and had time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At our graduation party, I told them my decision, bold and clear. I decided not to continue the friendship. It went along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Guys, after leaving school, I'm afraid I'll be unable to continue to keep in close touch. I'll miss y'all...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We'll miss you too! KIT sometimes, okay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not a bad response, and to this day, I can still call any of them and chat for hours if I want and have the time...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've got to let them know that you can't help it, and this is the &lt;strong&gt;only way you had left&lt;/strong&gt; due to work, or personal reasons, but you'll really miss spending time with them. Don't lie to them, it's &lt;strong&gt;got to be genuine&lt;/strong&gt;, or old friends will immediately know something's up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that I had a different situation, as I was leaving school, and you don't have any similar excuse, but at one of your meet-ups, build up your resolve, and &lt;strong&gt;tell them what you've decided&lt;/strong&gt;. Cold-shouldering is definitely not recommendable, as your friends will (9/10 times) be hurt and might not enjoy contacting you ever again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T17:41:17.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10500" CreationDate="2018-02-17T18:19:38.143" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I won't pay you. I never agreed to paying you for using your Netflix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be kind and open for friendship. She might have her reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you having financial troubles? I'm willing to help you in an other way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you can keep the honor to yourself. She might respond by asking for a loan and never pay you back. But 'hey' at least you kept your honor. Perhaps after ten or twenty years she realizes she was wrong. If not, think twice before receiving any 'gifts' from her. Even better would be to refuse any gifts from her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T18:19:38.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10545" CreationDate="2018-02-17T19:07:17.193" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I assume that your husband agrees with you about the problem, but suggest you gently double check that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of you has to talk with her. One she trusts more. Most probably your husband. &#xA;I suggest you better prepare him. My idea is to use a role playing game. &#xA;Your husband acts as his mother and you have this talk with him.&#xA;It helps to find some of responses he can get while he has the real talk and be prepared for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: if you follow my advice you may switch roles. It will give him a rest and probably show some new angles from which to look at the situation.&#xA;PPS: as always be careful with advice from random people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11825" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-17T20:55:12.450" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T20:55:12.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10589" CreationDate="2018-02-17T20:42:04.797" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Figure out why you don't want to spend time with them, and then just let them know in a kind and caring way.  Often we grow out of relationships or our values change.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry guys, we just don't have much in common anymore.  I'm spending my time with _______ now.&quot; Fill in the blank. The blank could be &quot;your new career&quot;, &quot;your new spouse&quot;, &quot;your new child&quot;, &quot;your new hobby.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be you've turned a corner from your old relationships like you're not drinking, doing drugs, going to school, even a different hobby, and these were the friends you were around when you were.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you can add &quot;I'll always remember you guys but I'm just not into _______ anymore.&quot; again fill in the blank, &quot;underwater basket weaving&quot; &quot;clubbing&quot; &quot;drugs&quot; &quot;gaming&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12876" LastActivityDate="2018-02-17T20:42:04.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10584" CreationDate="2018-02-18T02:37:35.900" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person who has studied several foreign languages, I completely understand your desire to work with native speakers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A large part of the answer to the question centers on location.  If you encounter native speakers in the United States, they may want to speak mainly English with you.  This is not to dismiss their culture; it is to help them assimilate as a lot of immigrants believe that learning English is critical to becoming functioning members of American society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in their country, then just go ahead and speak it!  Most of the speakers there understand you're trying to learn and, in my experience, will happily correct you if you ask them.  I've heard that several times: &quot;I understand what you are trying to say, but we say it like this:...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you befriend someone solely on their ability to help you, that would come across as manipulative or insincere.  If there are groups that get together, perhaps you could join them?  They may want to speak their native tongue together as a bonding experience and may welcome someone who wants to learn to communicate with them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-18T02:37:35.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10619" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10620" CreationDate="2018-02-18T10:57:55.823" Score="2" ViewCount="1308" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've attempted suicide about half a year ago. I was very unstable and very stupid, but at least I survived. I'm currently stable, both mentally and physically (and have the necessary professional support). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As most people don't have to and don't want to know that I attempted suicide, I simply tell them a lie fairly close to the truth: I simply give a reason such that the 'incident' can be considered an 'accident' (My injuries are still visible, so I have to say &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; at least). Most of the time, this works well, people don't really pry when they hear a satisfactory explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there are people who I think should know the truth. In particular, I think a group of old friends should know. We haven't seen each-other (except a few) for quite some time, so I've been unable to get a conversation with most of them so far. I really need to do this face to face in the same room, this is not something I can do over the internet or phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, we've made plans for a 'reunion' of some sorts, where we simply want to go out in town and have diner and some drinks to catch up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This provides an opportunity for me to tell them (as we're all together again), but I prefer to get everyone somewhere private and comfortable (A restaurant/bar isn't private enough, a back-alley isn't comfortable enough), as this topic is both very private, and, from what I've seen in others, quite shocking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily, one of the friends (hereafter friend X) who &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; know the truth lives nearby town. So, I could try to arrange with X to get everyone at X's place and then I can tell them. I'm confident that, if everyone is in a private room, I can tell them in the way I'd like to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, I really don't want any questions &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; meeting there. So I'd prefer to get them there by subtle means. I currently see two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I could get everyone to gather at X's place &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; we go to town, and tell them before we go out. The advantage is that I can be subtle, but the disadvantage is that I could very well ruin the mood for the rest of the evening. I'm perfectly fine with leaving it there and just catching up with friends afterwards, but I'm not sure whether my friends will feel the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I could try to gather people &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; X's we go to town. Problem is that I can't say something like &quot;Let's have an afterparty at X's&quot;, as I'm pretty sure at least some of my friends would decline the offer. So I cannot be subtle in that case, I'll have to essentially force them to X's place and give awkward silence on the way there. This has the additional risk that people &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; have to leave and that I still can't tell everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To recap, I want to achieve a private meeting with my friends, but I want to avoid explaining why before we arrive and avoid ruining the rest of the evening. I understand that achieving all of these goals may be impossible, but I'd appreciate someone else's perspective on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12892" LastEditorUserId="12892" LastEditDate="2018-02-18T12:18:36.167" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T12:48:12.010" Title="How arrange for a private meeting to 'reveal' my suicide attempt to a group of old friends" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;suicide&gt;&lt;taboo&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10619" CreationDate="2018-02-18T13:58:11.490" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have never revealed to a group of people something as personal and serious as this, so instead I will be pulling from my experience in interventions, family meetings, funeral planning and other compulsory group conversations to answer your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Firstly, for your goal: &lt;em&gt;to 'reveal' my suicide attempt to a group of old friends&lt;/em&gt; I think you are going about this the wrong way.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the exception of one friend helping host, you are planning to execute this reveal to people you do not see often entirely yourself and right before going to a party. By comparing to an intervention, I will try to explain why I don't think this is the appropriate way to do this. In an intervention there are lots of essential components, some relevant examples are that it is important to do this as a group. A group of people helping would assist with organising before the conversation, with communication during the conversation (in this case you definitely want to be the one speaking the most, but having a portion of the people on your side before going into the conversation will still help), afterwards with damage control and also just for moral support. While possible, doing this alone will place a far larger amount of pressure on your shoulders that could otherwise be avoided. Another thing, you expressed a desire to not have questions about it beforehand. This is not exactly ideal, but it is understandable when comparing to interventions as sometimes they have a need to be 'sprung' on the person/s in question. The problem is that you are dropping this bomb right before a planned outing, whereas in an ideal intervention they would be close enough to the person that they know their schedule or are familiar enough that they can find a suitable time without trouble. You might not be able to do this but the principle still stands, and you should try to find a more appropriate time to tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So how do I suggest you reveal it to your friends?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, I suggest you do this by relying on your family and friends who are aware of the situation to help you tell your friends separately (for the most part). You may still want to do this as a group for the less close friends of that group, but I think it is important you have first broken the news to a few more than just your one friend and they are present/ready to help. The exact method might vary between people, you could invite them over for dinner, try to do various activities together and wait for the right time, call them to meet up somewhere or however you and your family/friends think is best, so long as you consult them and ask their help when needed. As you can tell, each of those suggestions were either [1:1] or [them : a group of people who already know] and it avoids the more difficult [you : a group of people who don't know] ratio. An example of what you might say to a semi-close friend in getting them to meet up is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [name] do you want to meet up at [food place], I have something I want to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adapt to your liking, but saying that there is &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; you want to talk about keeps the anonymity of the reason of the meeting, while still letting them know the type of meeting and they are not going to come out to lunch expecting to party. Since it is a taboo subject, it is best to let them mentally prepare for &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; before the conversation rather than springing it on them. They may ask what it is, and you can choose how much you want to tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will tell you at lunch&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;being your fall back response. This example does not really need too much support from friends/family, but if we adapt it to the scenario of a group lunch, you could invite one person who knows and then 1 or 2 who don't to keep the balance even and reduce the weight. The more people you want to tell at once, the more that already know should be present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;TL:DR&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should organise this meeting with the help of people who know already, in a context where you won't be alone facing all of them at once and at a more understanding time than right before an outing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-02-18T16:09:03.313" LastActivityDate="2018-02-18T16:09:03.313" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10621" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10630" CreationDate="2018-02-18T14:35:42.250" Score="33" ViewCount="10721" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question comes from a situation that was quite a while ago. At the time I was 16, while I'm 22 now. I'm a guy and was at my girlfriend’s house while we were cuddling. She suggested that I touched her boobs while we were cuddling. &#xA;I wasn't ready at the time to touch her boobs yet, however at the time I didn't know how to properly react. I said &quot;I don't know&quot;, which made her respond by taking my hand and placing it on her boob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this case is relative simple, it could easily be extended to more. I would like to know how to properly react during a situation like this, since I still don't know how to properly reject the proposal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason for declining is that I don't feel comfortable yet to do the action. &#xA;For me this means slowing down is important, so there is no feeling of having it rushed. Enjoying each others company is central to this. The reason for declining then is the same as now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to properly reject an intimate suggestion during intimate time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goals&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to make sure the other person knows I'm not ready for it yet, but that I could want to do it in the future.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be respectful to the other person while making sure not to ignore myself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid being rude, since the proposal was well timed and placed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid (if possible) stopping the intimate time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The case is from a while ago, however I think this will help me in the future (focus on being 22 instead of 16 is okay).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I had a similar relationship 3 years ago; however, there were still issues with setting boundaries.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There were situations similar to this, where I would have preferred a simple rejection of the proposal and to get back to it later. My reasons are the same, although I've matured a bit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T18:11:39.903" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T22:53:56.577" Title="How to properly reject an intimate suggestion?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10622" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10619" CreationDate="2018-02-18T15:48:51.380" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First a cautionary note...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would strongly recommend asking your therapist before taking any advice you find here. They'll know more about your individual case and will have a better picture of where you are in your treatment and recovery. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I advise caution because revealing something this personal, and having people react badly, may end up being a set back to your recovery. You'll need to be in a strong enough place to handle whatever these people throw at you in response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, after discussing it with your therapist, you decide to disclose. It's probably better to do it on a separate occasion, in an environment that you have some control over (not in a bar or cafe.) Inviting them to your home is probably a good plan. You could try to make plans to do this when you all get together for your reunion as a follow-up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's been good to see everyone again. We should really do this more often. How about getting together for food/drink at my place sometime soon?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advantage of inviting everyone to your place is that it allows you to set the time, tone, and audience. It also avoids some of the pitfalls of trying to do it before or after the already planned event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Again, and I really can't stress this enough, talk to your therapist about all of this first.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-18T15:48:51.380" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10621" CreationDate="2018-02-18T16:06:45.067" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like the truth would work just fine here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't feel fully comfortable being that intimate yet. Can we slow things down, so that they don't feel rushed? Enjoying each other's company, and growing comfortable with each other, is central to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I massaged the wording a little, but tried to preserve the core message. Your reasons are your reasons and people should respect them. Particularly in situations where they want you to be comfortable and enjoy being intimate with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not saying that everyone will understand and respond well to this sort of thing, but do you really want to be with someone who doesn't? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly some people may feel somewhat rejected, it takes some courage to make the first move and some people will feel slightly put off when asked to slow down. That's their problem, not your's, but continuing with the level of intimacy that you're comfortable with may mitigate that. Try to be clear that you're rejecting the specific activity, not the person who offered/asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following up with some kind words about how you feel about them and, if you anticipate being comfortable with what they're suggesting, mentioning that it's not a flat &quot;no&quot; just a &quot;not yet&quot; may soften the blow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-18T16:06:45.067" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10630" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10621" CreationDate="2018-02-19T00:03:08.280" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Rejecting an intimate suggestion appropriately is difficult because it is natural for a partner to want to escalate the intimacy from one level to the next. Moreover the communication is often through body language rather than the spoken word. What complicates things is that &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; can't be expected to know what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are thinking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wasn't ready at the time (...) I said &quot;I don't know&quot;, which made her respond by taking my hand and placing it (...) The reason for declining is that I don't feel comfortable yet to do the action (...) Slowing down is important, so there is no feeling of having it rushed. Enjoying each others company is central to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With due respect to both parties, it is clear from your narrative that your GF of that incident decided to ignore your brief and inconclusive &quot;I don't know&quot; response (which actually expresses none of your justified sentiments, and without which explanation, &quot;I don't know&quot; can easily be misinterpreted as simply your lack of initial confidence) and went right ahead to implement her 'intimate suggestion.' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;That was a positive action on her part in the context of your mutually acknowledged intimacy&lt;/strong&gt;, and only serves to emphasise her original invitation, but you would need to decide how to react to her bold and decisive move.&lt;/em&gt; These are the 4 options I can think of, which seem to cover the range of possible reactions to this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Option A (&lt;strong&gt;not recommended&lt;/strong&gt; because of your justified reasons for declining, as articulated in the question): you can go along and do what she wants. Your hesitancy might be apparent in your body language. Doing something you are not convinced about, just to please another person, is not usually recommended but it might possibly be good in such situations &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you were simply lacking the confidence to make your move. The result can be known only by carrying out the experiment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[&lt;strong&gt;Statutory warning&lt;/strong&gt;: If it is a socially/ legally/ ethically controversial situation, you shall have to take the sole or joint responsibility (depending on the circumstances) for following through on your partner's intimate suggestion, and shall be considered liable for the consequences of that decision.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Option B: you firmly but gently take back your hand and say, &lt;em&gt;&quot;sorry but I am not ready for that yet; I don't feel comfortable yet to do the action. Slowing down is important, so there is no feeling of having it rushed: enjoying each others company is central to this,&quot;&lt;/em&gt; which is basically your explanation in the question here.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach was recommended by our highly respected member &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/59/apaul&quot;&gt;@apaul&lt;/a&gt; in his earlier &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10623/381&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt;. What is good about this approach is that you clearly express your sentiments in a way that is explicit and difficult to misinterpret. What is possibly not good is that the emotional momentum can get broken and GF may not like it one bit! You are basically taking a certain amount of risk by &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=verbalizing+%22intimate+situations%22&amp;amp;client=&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;verbalizing in an intimate situation&lt;/a&gt;, when not speech but &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=%22body+language%22+important+%22intimate+situations%22&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;body language&lt;/a&gt; predominates, and emotions can run high. However, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if your partner understands and appreciates your position then it is an excellent result.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Option C: you firmly but gently take back your hand and say nothing. Your body language expresses your sentiment. This is not very likely to be misunderstood in an intimate situation. Ideally your partner understands you and is not discouraged by your decision, but if the other person persists in getting 'more intimate' then you may need to physically disengage (firmly but gently) to demonstrate your position. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;You can express yourself verbally and fully communicate your sentiments later.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see this is the sort of thing you would prefer yourself, based on your observation in the question: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would have preferred a simple rejection of the proposal and get back to it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid any misunderstanding, and in the interests of keeping the relationship healthy, you should clearly communicate your reasons to your partner soon after the incident, and emphasise that despite your preference to &quot;take it slowly&quot; you really appreciate and care for the person, and value the relationship. You would benefit from learning to discuss such sensitive topics with your partner as your interactions progress, as pointed out by @&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/4681/shadsterling&quot;&gt;ShadSterling&lt;/a&gt; in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10621/how-to-properly-reject-an-intimate-suggestion/10630#comment42045_10630&quot;&gt;comments&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: whether you choose option B or option C, which are the &quot;recommended&quot; options, you should be prepared for your position to not be appreciated, and for the relationship to cool down quickly as a result, as someone noted in an earlier answer or comment. But if the other person understands, appreciates and agrees with your point of view, &lt;strong&gt;it can really strengthen your relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Option D: melodrama. Especially a girl from certain Asian cultures might shout and scream that she is being taken advantage of against her will in an intimate situation, though men in your position can make the same accusation. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But creating a scene is bad IPS and &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; recommended on Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T16:47:36.863" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T16:47:36.863" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10500" CreationDate="2018-02-19T01:04:39.300" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of answers here but none of them cut to the core of this issue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Is your friendship with her worth more or less than the $10 she is asking for?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day $10 is not a lot of money. Yes, I know some people are poor and on strict budgets, but when all is said and done I have—for example—tossed more than $10 on a table after splitting a meal with friends just to move one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Don’t be “Penny wise, pound foolish.” when it comes to friendship.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, don’t just give her the $10 without making it clear how you feel. And without knowing the details, this is what I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Here is the $10 you have asked for. I’m giving this to you not because I believe I owe you for the Netflix, but rather I value our friendship and I know you will be leaving soon so I would rather get this out of the way instead of fostering ill will. I still respect you, but I think that moving forward if you do something for me and believe you are owed compensation, please let me know ahead of time. Money should not get between friends. And—to me—$10 is not worth the headaches we might both get dealing with this.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that said, if she—or her friends—as you to do work, I would gently bring up the incident in a way that makes it clear what boundaries are. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“I’d gladly help you with your PC, but you need to know this is work to me. And I generally do not want to do work if I don’t have to. So if you really want me to help you fix this, I am going to have to ask you this: Would you mind paying me what you feel it’s worth to get this done? I’m not looking to get rich but at the end of the day I cannot have everyone I know just come up to me and ask me to fix things on a whim.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you are not bringing up the friend that demanded the $10, but on the chance that you are asked why you are doing this, feel free to say, “I don’t think XYZ is a bad person, but my dealings with her when I fixed her PC really forced me to make this decision. I value our friendship and I just want to make it clear that I can’t just be put in a position like that ever again.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reality is if your friends are genuinely friends, this kind of “straight talk” won’t damage anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Last Resort: Close the “Free Repair” business down.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another tactic is painful and unpleasant but might be necessary: Just say “No…” and state you have no more time for doing this stuff. I don’t know what your schedule is but—for example—if a new semester starts, just say, “Look my course load is too hectic for me this year. I’d like to help but I can’t. Sorry.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, honesty and clarity will solve issues like this. And if your “friends” judge you harshly for daring to say “No!” Well, they are not your friends and it’s better to move on from the “free computer repair” business than further foster a co-dependent relationships like these.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T01:04:39.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10619" CreationDate="2018-02-19T05:05:55.470" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the part of &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10620/106&quot;&gt;this answer&lt;/a&gt; that cautions against doing this in a group, especially in conjunction with what was supposed to be a fun activity.  Instead, you should tell people (who you want to know) in one-on-one conversations.  I haven't had to communicate anything this serious to others, but I've been on the receiving end of revelations that were similarly serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try to do it in a group, it's almost certainly going to be awkward -- some people will be uncomfortable and will want to talk about &lt;em&gt;anything else&lt;/em&gt;, some will want to ask you questions but maybe not in front of all these other people, some will want to discuss it, somebody might crack a joke... people react to news involving psychological issues in very different ways, and doing it in a group is a disservice to everybody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a one-on-one conversation, you can react to how the person is reacting to you -- you can say more or less, can provide reassurances, can move the conversation along to another topic, can answer questions.  If you feel the need to tell people about this, you probably want them to be able to react honestly and you then want to address that, right?  So tell them in a way that allows that.  No matter what happens, you aren't putting the other person in an awkward position in front of other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, as &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10622/106&quot;&gt;this answer says&lt;/a&gt;, you should discuss this with your therapist, who is already helping you work through whatever led you to that point &lt;em&gt;and its consequences&lt;/em&gt;.  Your therapist is in a better position than anybody else to guide you in having these conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T05:05:55.470" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10621" CreationDate="2018-02-19T06:01:22.113" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's take it slow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, take the initiative to move things in a different direction, either verbally or with your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person doesn't get it, you can say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not ready yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thought process behind this answer: Consent is important.  But a lot of talking can get both parties out of the focus of the sensory experience.  So the key is to find a &lt;strong&gt;concise&lt;/strong&gt; formulation.  At the same time, it needs to be honest, and it needs to be an I-message.  In other words, it shouldn't suggest that the other person is doing anything wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T21:56:38.283" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T21:56:38.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10621" CreationDate="2018-02-19T08:49:36.443" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The very best situation would be if you had a chance to talk about taking it slow before you get intimate, because &quot;in the act&quot; it is usually much harder to refuse without breaking the atmosphere (at least if the relationship is very new). But if you are in the situation, I could think of multiple options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do it&lt;/strong&gt; I am not trying to talk you into something, but sometimes a spur of moment decision to just do it breaks the circle of (over)thinking. If you feel comfortable enough with that person to &lt;em&gt;do it once and not again if you did not like it&lt;/em&gt;, then this might be an option. If you think, refusing to do it again (anytime soon) might be worse than never trying it in the first place, this is not an option. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Softly refuse, but offer alternatives&lt;/strong&gt;. In this case, you could go for something like &lt;em&gt;I would like to take it slow with your precious boobs, but what about I give you a nice back rub instead?&lt;/em&gt; This will hopefully not end the intimate time, but defer the talk about taking it slow to a later time point. In my opinion, you should still actually bring it up later, though.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Refuse, but explain&lt;/strong&gt;. If there is a chance to explain yourself a little while cuddling, then go for it. I honestly would &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; rely on body language completely, as this can easily be read as a refusal because of &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; part. You do not want your partner to ponder what the hell they did wrong for the rest of the evening. They might feel like they are ugly to you, that you are actually not interested in them,... there are hundreds of options. No explanation is likely to lead to a backslash of the situation in the long run.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T08:49:36.443" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10621" CreationDate="2018-02-19T09:15:37.540" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The vital piece of information that you tried to communicate but couldn't actually consists of two parts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not against the idea per se&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not feel this is the right moment&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you deconstruct your feelings into their parts, it becomes easy to communicate exactly these parts. The important decision here is that you should usually communicate the positive (non-rejective) part first. Whenever you communicate two partially contradictory facts, the second one will be seen as qualifying the first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: &quot;I'd love to, just not now&quot; and &quot;Not now, I'd love to later&quot; - do you feel the difference?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T09:15:37.540" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10589" CreationDate="2018-02-19T09:43:19.097" Score="0" Body="&lt;h2&gt;If the problem is &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;..&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.. that is to say you don't think the individuals are worth the effort because you don't have anything in common with them other than some shared experience (same school/college/whatever) then all you need to do is stop putting the effort in to see them and the friendships will gradually fade. Ignore their communications, turn down their invitations, and it won't take long for them to get the message that this was never a real friendship with any foundation (from your perspective at least).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If the problem is &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;..&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.. because I got to say, coming up with some formula for valuing friendships based on time and effort involved is a little odd. If someone IS a good friend then they are worth a degree of effort, even though circumstances may make it impractical to see each other as often as you otherwise would. Are you really 100% certain that your life will be better long-term without these connections? If there is a possibility that your feelings on this matter are driven by a personal 'quirk' or something more serious like an emotional disconnection then you might later regret cutting them off. You may &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; them more than you feel you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; them in your life, but only if they are indeed good friends. I note that you do refer to them as &quot;friends&quot; right up to the point of asking your question (&quot;&lt;em&gt;My goal is to stop having to deal with friends&lt;/em&gt;&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think more about what the friendship means to &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; than only what you get out of it (some &quot;nostalgia&quot;) or how much effort is involved for you. Because if you base all your friendships in life entirely on what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; get from &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; then you may find that none of them stick around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T09:43:19.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10589" CreationDate="2018-02-19T10:01:37.153" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is certainly not useful to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;pretend&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to maintain a friendship if you don't want to, but there really is no reason to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;formally&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; end an old friendship. The earlier &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10606/381&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; by @&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/10513/svj&quot;&gt;svj&lt;/a&gt; is exactly right in advising you to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;pretend to be busy whenever they call and never call back (...) everyone kind of gets the point that you are not interested in keeping up the friendship (...) I  don't think you should end a friendship unless the relationship is toxic or the particular friend is a negative person (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is as easy as ignoring them to give a clear non-verbal message that you do not want to continue the friendship. On the other hand, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;telling them outright that you want to end the friendship would be hurtful&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and I would advise against it for that very reason. Even if the friend were toxic I would advise you to simply ignore them because they don't deserve an explanation, but your friends don't appear toxic, judging by your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real value of old friends, in my experience, is that they will remain &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;much closer&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to you than any new friends, even if you are not in regular contact, and old friends can be extraordinarily supportive (especially emotionally) if you ever find yourself in a difficult situation, &lt;em&gt;even if you have ignored them in the interim.&lt;/em&gt; You lose that extremely valuable source of support by trying to formally end the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, you don't need to feel guilty for ignoring them. Unlike a formal or informal statement ending the friendship, ignoring them is neither final nor an explicit rejection [At least one of them is probably wondering right now how to get rid of &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; friendship without hurting your feelings, and might settle on simply ignoring you for now.] Old friends can accept that you have other friends and other interests, and have no time for them right now: it has happened to us all and &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;we have all done it to others as well!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; They will certainly understand and the friendship can be kept on hold for the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-02-24T22:35:57.963" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T22:35:57.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5894" CreationDate="2018-02-19T12:52:16.597" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You found yourself in an impossible situation with conflicting goals, congratulations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; be able to make both of these people entirely happy. So the first decision is whom of them you want to make happy, and whom of them you want to minimize damage for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That decision alone is subject of countless books and movies. So I'll not delve into it, that is your decision to make based on history, personality and how high you rate your chance that this person will still be your friend or girlfriend in 1, 3, 5, 10, 20 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you decided, you put your entirely loyalty to the person you decided for. In other words: In case of doubt, &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; side with them. Never leave any doubt. Especially do not flip-flop, trying to appease both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second person still deserves your respect and that your actions do minimal harm to them. For example, avoid talking about the primary person while in the company of the secondary person. Nobody wants to be reminded that you picked someone else over them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that is really all you can do. How people handle their own emotions is up to them. You can avoid piling on, but you cannot manage it for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T12:52:16.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10641" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10644" CreationDate="2018-02-19T13:00:38.623" Score="68" ViewCount="22252" Body="&lt;p&gt;More often than not, I eat my lunch at my desk. There aren't any shops or cafés nearby, so this suits me just fine. I usually put my headphones in and browse the news or SE to take a break from work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Occasionally, colleagues will come over to discuss/ask about something we've been working on, despite there being a meal on my table and zero evidence of work on my screen. These queries normally take a couple of minutes (if that) to discuss, and wouldn't usually bother me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today however, I've had two people coming back and forth with work requests for the past 20 minutes; asking me to open various documents and make amendments then and there while they stood over my shoulder. As a result, my lunch has gone cold and is inedible. It seems like common courtesy to me to not disrupt somebody who is evidently on their lunch break. How can I interrupt a colleague, and stop them from discussing work with me until after my lunch break without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2514" LastEditorUserId="11262" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T14:17:10.943" LastActivityDate="2021-03-31T19:15:10.667" Title="How to stop a colleague from talking to me about work when I'm on my lunch break?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10641" CreationDate="2018-02-19T13:14:05.947" Score="89" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I interrupt a colleague, and stop them from discussing work with me until after my lunch break without being rude?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially if you're eating a hot meal, where I'm from (Netherlands) it's perfectly fine to say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'Sorry, I'll be with you in &amp;lt; &lt;em&gt;however long your lunch break will last&lt;/em&gt; &gt;. Right now, I'd prefer to eat my meal before it gets cold. (&lt;em&gt;Optionally&lt;/em&gt;) Or can't it wait until after lunch break?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's what I did when I started the new job. I regularly have warm meals for lunch, and also eat them at my desk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Acknowledge the fact that they have a question. Also, let them know that you're on a lunch-break now and that you won't work during that. Make a promise that their question will be handled as soon as your break is over.  Ask them if it can wait, so that if it's really urgent, you can show some goodwill and do it anyway. &lt;em&gt;This last point does carry the risk that everything will become urgent, so use at your own risk.&lt;/em&gt; Don't offer the option if you're not willing to risk someone using it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The problem here is that you've been doing work (answering questions about work = also work) during lunch for a while now, so people will initially find it weird when you suddenly say 'not now, lunch'.&lt;/em&gt; If people look a bit strange, you can explain it to them the same as you did to us. Working during your break regularly leads to cold/inedible meals and you've decided that it was time for a change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to be consistent about this: Either you don't answer any questions/do any work at all during lunch break, or you do all of it. So make a new boundary, communicate it patiently to people and stick to it, and in a few days/weeks/months people will get it, and hopefully come to your desk, see your lunch and ask &quot;Hey Cthulhu, once your lunch is done, could you help me with this?&quot; (which is what my co-workers do now)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T09:00:06.207" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T09:00:06.207" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10645" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10641" CreationDate="2018-02-19T13:45:49.247" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does your workplace not provide &quot;break out&quot; areas, or a canteen or social space? I think the only long term solution to this - if you want to stop people approaching you while you are eating - is to avoid eating at your desk. Even if some people eventually learn that you eat between X - Y time and you don't like being disturbed, new staff and those unfamiliar with your personal habits aren't going to know this. In most places I've ever worked, &quot;being at your desk&quot; equals &quot;I'm working&quot;, regardless of what you are doing at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can find a quiet place to sit, away from your normal work area, then have your lunch there instead. Use your phone/laptop for music and browsing the net if that's what you like to do. I just don't think there is a polite and lasting solution that will enable you to remain at your desk without risk of being disturbed. I've had the same problem in the past and finding somewhere else to eat was ultimately how I solved it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T13:45:49.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10641" CreationDate="2018-02-19T13:53:38.640" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is the difference between &lt;em&gt;lunch&lt;/em&gt; and a &lt;em&gt;lunch break&lt;/em&gt;. You're getting your lunch but you're not getting a break! No wonder you're irritated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are entitled to a break (and most people are, either by legislation or by local company policy) then it must be a break from working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand your reasons for eating at your desk, but that doesn't mean it is the best thing to do; nor does it mean you can't change your routine if you wish to. Lots of people change their eating habits (for example beginning a new diet) and they don't owe anybody an explanation. You could find somewhere else to eat, or even eat at your desk and then take the remaining time out of the office, perhaps go for a walk?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you must eat at your desk, don't feel bad about saying &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm on my lunch, come back in 30 minutes&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or similar. They will soon get the message, but you must be consistent in your stand. If anybody mentions that you used to allow interruptions just tell them that you don't anymore (although I can't imagine anyone doing this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T13:53:38.640" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-19T15:29:20.583" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Straight-forward, neutral  approach&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that this question needs an answer that takes it at face value, skipping any guessing about what kind of dating the OP is doing, and whether anyone has a hidden agenda.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My stance on money is this: I do not lend, but I give gifts. It does not matter if it's family or not, or if it's important or not, if it's my children, wife, parents or any stranger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means: when I give money to somebody I not only never expect it back, but I always make completely sure that it is a gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A very important part is that &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; I give a gift, then I do it happily and freely, i.e. no &quot;I don't want to give you money, but here you are anyway, keep it&quot;. No grumpy giving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works surprisingly well. People know exactly what's up. People who like me and have good intentions don't ask for money because they know that I would only ever gift it, not lend it. Or, if they are really in an essential crisis, they may ask me, but will not ask for lending, but for giving. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone would ask me and I were not willing to give, I still have all options open to me. I can just say &quot;no&quot; as usual. Or I can, strategically, say &quot;fine, but I do not lend money: this is yours, it is a gift, I don't want it back&quot;. I might do that once or twice (and I probably won't, then, take it back, even if they try, at least not without making a scene of it ;) ). People who know that they will get a gift instead of lending will think twice before asking for more and more, because there is no pretense of giving it back somewhere in the far future. Obviously, at any point of time I can switch to saying &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, this makes it very easy for me to decide whether to say &quot;yes&quot; or &quot;no&quot;. If I can afford to let go of that money, if it does not hurt me, if the priorities (between losing the money, and the feeling of helping the receiver) allow it, then I give. If the balance does not work out, then I do not. Guessing whether I will get it back never enters the decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, and obviously I do not lend money &lt;em&gt;from&lt;/em&gt; others, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(There is a small exception to this: sometimes, for example when going to lunch with colleagues, people cannot pay because they only have a credit card and the place we're at does not take the card - for things like this, obviously, I will not only cover their meal, but will then also take the money when they give it back to me later; I do not consider this &quot;lending&quot; in the strict sense, just fixing a short time difference so the other guy has a chance to visit a bank and draw some cash. But even in this case, if they happen to forget about it, I won't bother them, I won't keep a &quot;balance&quot;; I might remind them when we go out to eat next time, so they will pay my meal then.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T15:29:20.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10651" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10641" CreationDate="2018-02-19T15:38:52.427" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to be the one on the other end of this kind of situation. Where I worked, in various companies, it was normal to eat at the desk and it was often unclear if that person was working+eating or having a break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, in the line of work I am in, it's pretty inappropriate to interrupt someone at their desk anyway. You always have to start any interaction with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Excuse me, do you have a second?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Working in anything administrative or white collar, it's a real pain if someone interrupts your train of thought, never mind your lunch. (This is why I am militantly opposed to open space offices. I think they are the bane of modern society. )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to be the tactless one who walked up to people and just launched into technical questions, and these are the kinds of responses it would have been reasonable to expect (UK).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;For Chrissakes I am eating are you blind?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I am having my lunch.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Get lost I am eating.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Sorry, I am having a break right now.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Please, let me enjoy my food, I don't want to think about work right now.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are what I would call typical, and normal responses in a UK work environment. Frankly, and rightly so. If you want to tone it down, go ahead. Politeness often helps (but often not!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6092" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T19:24:54.717" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10621" CreationDate="2018-02-19T16:38:02.267" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's start by trying to understand what expectations your partner might have:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Intimacy in a relationship is given. A male being particularly eager for sex is pretty common. Your partner makes her assumptions based on her personal, an other people's experience with guys &lt;strong&gt;other&lt;/strong&gt; than you. This is the basis on which partners judge eg. if the tempo is ok. Of course, driven by their own needs - but an atypically fast or slow person realizes that his/her needs are exception rather than &quot;norm&quot; and the other side cannot be expected to know that. Whenever someone wants to go slower or faster than the &quot;norm&quot;, that's an issue that needs clarification. I'm writing &quot;norm&quot; in quotes, because actual norm is not important here, neither even existence of an actual norm. Perception is all that matters, therefore in a culture of horny teens (even if it exists only in Hollywood movies) it is expectable that a 16-year boy would dream about coitus. Our culture appreciates and celebrates sex as important part of our lives, so the pressure to sex doesn't get easier with age. Grownups are expected to be less reckless, but still horny. I'm not writing this to encourage you to fulfill popular expectations, but to establish that the expectations of your partner are most likely different than your needs, to identify the cause of the described situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your needs are unexpected, eg you want to take things unusually slow, you need to communicate them. Of course, one can say, that's the question you're asking! But is it? You ask how to reject a move when it happens. I answer that what you need is to &lt;strong&gt;prevent it from happening&lt;/strong&gt; in the first place. By talking about it before things get physical. This advice may be viewed as a poor one, because talking about your feelings and limitations can be as uncomfortable as having to reject a suggestion for more intimacy. However, this is what a relationship is about: intimacy and communication (including your feelings). If you believe you have a problem with either, I suggest you seek a professional help. (Rather than looking for someone who's &quot;broken in a same way&quot;. Nobody is, we're all broken in unique ways : ) Not to &quot;fix&quot; you or bring you &quot;in line with others&quot;, but to understand yourself and learn how to work with other people. As Tom said, you grow by stepping outside of your comfort zone. But usually we need help in doing that, from a person we trust, be it a close one or a professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also want to address your remark about objectifying girls. Objectifying doesn't only mean &quot;to treat someone in a sexual way&quot;. Objectifying is refusing to acknowledge someone as a person and part of it is ignoring &lt;strong&gt;their&lt;/strong&gt; needs while making that person satisfy &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; needs. That means that forcing a girl who needs a sexual relation into a nonsexual one, only because you want it that way, can be objectification. Sometimes, we are so afraid of doing a wrong thing that we do equally wrong, just in an opposite direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationship is about satisfying each other's needs, keep that in mind. Communicating those needs is absolutely necessary and a compromise that follows. You have (or rather, you predict you will have): your aversion to intimacy now, your partner's need for intimacy now and maintaining the relationship of you two. One of those will go, carefully decide which one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T16:38:02.267" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10654" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10665" CreationDate="2018-02-19T17:31:16.780" Score="61" ViewCount="44820" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently dating a girl (19) who I (21) really like. She really does look good and has a great character. But one thing I actually at first really liked is turning kinda sour for me right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She, as we all, has had bad experiences because she went into a relationship too fast, and therefore she wants to get to know me really before moving on to the next steps. Which is totally cool for me, as I made the same mistake the last time as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have met 4-5 times over the last month, approximately once a week, and when we met we had a great time. But the furthest we've gone is cuddling during a movie night at my apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is now, although we have a great time when we meet and write everyday, I'm kinda starting to lose interest because everything is going too damn slow. I really am not into just having sex, because (we talked about it) we both are looking for a long term relationship so I have no problem with patience, but it's going too slow, and she somehow does not want to meet more often than ~once a week and you cannot build a connection when you spend no time with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could I communicate to this person that I really like her but that I am starting to lose interest because of the insanely slow pace of the relationship?&lt;/strong&gt; The goal is to do so without burning bridges and preferably to get her to get in touch more often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to clarify that this is not about going further on a physical level. I don't need sex asap. That is not a priority for me. But that she would be more open to meet more frequently to be able to build some connection (or not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Additional information&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She seems to have loads of time; I can't make out why she can't meet more often.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've already asked her out multiple times, both directly and indirectly, but there were rejections. If I asked &amp;quot;What are you doing this evening? I don't have anything to do today,&amp;quot; she sometimes said stuff like &amp;quot;I'll be reading, or watching TV.&amp;quot; This means to me that she has free time but wants to spend it alone. It could also mean that she doesn't have any plans.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am used to spending time with a person to bond. I don't like to talk about deep subjects while messaging - although I would like to do so personally - and so there's a lot of small talk, and so I get bored. I have the feeling she feels the same.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T13:20:42.377" Title="Losing interest in girl I date because too slow dating" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="25" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10641" CreationDate="2018-02-19T17:33:34.743" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would recommend sending quick email note just letting your immediate co-workers know that you care about their productivity and want them to be able to continue working while you are at lunch but unless it is an incredibly urgent issue to please just send you an email while you are at lunch. I would try to add a bit of humor and perhaps a cute meme to keep it light and humorous to avoid making anyone feel as though you are annoyed with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you send a general comment in this way it will get the reminder out there without making any one person feel singled out. You may have to remind co-workers a couple of times when they come over to you during lunch. Be sure to counter a reminder that you are eating your lunch with the fact that you are happy to help them but you just need to take your break to recharge and if it can wait for you to finish you would really appreciate it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't expect your co-workers to know when you are at lunch and do your best to be consistent with your lunch times if you can. You don't want to be needlessly bothered, but if there is a fire in the building you don't want your co-workers to be nervous about interrupting your meal to tell you. You need to communicate when you feel they should come to you and what situations are less urgent and can wait or work out a system with another senior worker to stagger your lunches so you could cover for each other if that is something that would work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will be more effective to tell your co-workers how to best request your help rather than to tell them don't bug me. Put a system in place that will work for you to better triage their requests and give them a course of action if they feel they need help while you are at lunch. You want to empower them rather than make them feel like they are bothersome. Sometimes just writing a question out via email answers the question so this might help to eliminate some of the requests right from the beginning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12926" LastEditorUserId="12926" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T18:10:45.033" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T18:10:45.033" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10654" CreationDate="2018-02-19T17:42:00.710" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;As soon as you say &quot;I'm losing interest in you&quot; you are burning bridges. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead try to focus on what your needs are and try to work with your partners to try to come up with a solution that meets both your needs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like your want is that you'd like to see them more often. Start a conversation about how this is a thing you want and ask for their input on how to address this want. The more flexible, creative and adaptable you are the likelier it is that the two of you can come to a solution that you are both happy with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't find something that works for both of you, recognize that now is the time to break things off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T18:18:17.313" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T18:18:17.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10641" CreationDate="2018-02-19T17:45:02.107" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put up a (highly visible) sign. &quot;Out to lunch. Do not disturb. Back shortly.&quot; Take it down when you're done. They'll get the message. Especially if you ignore them. Why this instead of talk? OP does not want to be disturbed/interrupted. Needing to respond verbally is itself an interruption. If colleagues read the sign there does not even have to be any disturbing interaction/conversation. &quot;Interpersonal&quot; sometimes includes &quot;Please leave me alone.&quot; If the concern is &quot;I want a break from thinking specifically about work&quot;, that could be included in the sign, but that might taken as a license to talk about sports or politics. My experience is that without a very strong and definitive boundary, that boundary will not be respected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5660" LastEditorUserId="5660" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T18:40:46.223" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T18:40:46.223" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10654" CreationDate="2018-02-19T18:58:59.537" Score="116" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I feel that that starting a long term relationship after meeting 4-5 times over a single month is &quot;fast&quot; rather than &quot;slow&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you've already started to lose interest after 4-5 dates, my first suggestion is to look for other opportunities that align better with your current needs. My personal experience (different people work differently) is that, if I really enjoy someone's company, I &lt;em&gt;gain&lt;/em&gt; interest during the first few months of dating. No need to force it if your expectations don't align.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were simply afraid of losing interest, but actually still very interested and committed at this point, I'd recommend trying to take the relationship a step further by telling her the truth:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really enjoy the time we spend together, and find that I like you a lot. It would make me very happy if we could take our relationship a step further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to specify outright what that step should be. As long as you don't say this while in the bedroom, that &quot;a step further&quot; can be kissing, holding hands, calling each other boy/girlfriend, or many other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say the above it has to be truthful, or it would be highly manipulative. &quot;I like you a lot&quot; means much more than &quot;You look great and you're not crazy&quot;.  If it isn't truthful, my advice is to &lt;strong&gt;do the honorable thing and let her go.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T23:01:36.427" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T23:01:36.427" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10654" CreationDate="2018-02-19T19:24:11.357" Score="62" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately I have been this girl before so I am speaking from a place of experience. If you have never seen it then you probably should go watch the movie 'He's just not that into you'. It might help you at least realize you aren't alone in this situation. I'm currently 34 and have more relationship experience than I care to admit but hopefully I can help someone else to learn from my mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First you must be happy on your own. If the girl you are dating doesn't have enough time for you then go hang out with your friends. Realize that you don't have to be smothered to feel secure in a relationship. You won't be able to have a healthy pleasant relationship with someone else until you have that relationship with yourself. Build your self esteem in a positive way and enjoy taking some 'you' time. This is just generally a good thing and as a side effect it will make you more attractive as a companion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also should have a clear honest understanding with the girl you are dating. You should ask her if she is dating other people. It is not unusual for people to date more than one person at a time. I personally don't see anything wrong with it as long as you aren't being intimate with any one of those people. Most people have multiple friends that they hang out with and there isn't jealously involved so if you are at the getting to know if we can be friends stage of dating don't panic if you find out that she is seeing other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want her to choose you not be stuck with you. If you need more time than she can provide then maybe you want to date other people. You are both very young and should try to avoid falling into the trap of co-dependancy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a great friend who was dating a girl and they were both dating other people and very honest about it with each other. (I happened to be one of the other people he was dating) He told me that him and this other girl decided to be exclusive and I was totally respectful of that. I still wanted to remain friends with him but I don't do anything to undermine their relationship at all. They have been together now for almost a year and recently moved in together and seem quite happy so it can work out but there must be mutual honesty and respect in order to be able to date other people with the hope of finding the right one for you. If there are lies in the beginning of a relationship it can come back to bite you later. Better to cause a little disappointment or pain up front than lie about it and break someone's heart later for something that was done months before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a boyfriend who about 8 months into the relationship I found out that after we started sleeping together he slept with his ex. Now as soon as we were intimate I told him that I expected him to just be with me and I would show the same respect to him and that if that was too much to ask now is the time to tell me. He completely agreed and then a week or two later slept with someone else. Had he told me at the time it may have ended the relationship then but finding out about it 8 months later was devastatingly painful for both of us because at that point he loved me too and was pained by what I found out. I never was able to trust him again and eventually we went our separate ways. You must have that mutual honesty so even if you don't want to hear her answer you need to give her the opportunity to give you an honest answer otherwise you are just blind to what is really going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make yourself happy( love who you are and others will love you too)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be honest and encourage honesty from her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be nice (the best relationship advise I've ever gotten, from my mom who has been mostly happily married to my dad for 40+ years) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be nice to your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12926" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T19:24:11.357" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10654" CreationDate="2018-02-19T19:44:00.503" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you updated your first post that she rejected requests to see her more:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;[Y]ou can start the path of negotiating this desire by telling her similar to what you've told us - you don't feel deep connections with infrequent visitation&lt;/em&gt;.  She has every right at this point to say no of course, and you have to decide whether you want to continue with someone like her or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about the length of time you've been together and consider that she may not be open to more time together - though trying to negotiate this is not out of the question.  Set realistic expectations here; to some people, you &lt;strong&gt;ARE&lt;/strong&gt; moving fast, even if you don't intend to.  If she's learned to take it slow, this may be the pace she's most comfortable with now and you'll have to ask whether you'll accept this pace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than give an ultimatum, you can &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt; suggest a more frequent schedule of seeing her and see how she responds.  If it's she negates that suggestion, then &lt;em&gt;second&lt;/em&gt; you can start the path of negotiating this desire by telling her similar to what you've told us - you don't feel deep connections with infrequent visitation.  However, this is a new situation for both of you, so it's very easy for either of you to walk away.  And she may believe you've seen each other a lot! You have to realize that she could easily reject your request, as you haven't know each other that long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good news is that it's as easy for you to walk away from as her.  You know what you want, so you can request it and let the chips fall where they may.  As for &lt;em&gt;burning bridges&lt;/em&gt;, provided you give her a chance to accept or deny, she may increase the frequency of seeing you.  If she chooses not to, you can negotiate and if she still says, be respectful and go your separate ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11791" LastEditorUserId="11791" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T19:37:17.093" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T19:37:17.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10569" CreationDate="2018-02-19T20:03:08.797" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to tactfully let this person know that he disappointed me and I expect better?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you're still in the phase where you figure out if you two are &quot;right&quot; for each other, if you fit together. So &lt;em&gt;ask questions&lt;/em&gt; to find out what he's like and if you can meet each others needs. Like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hm, cactus, interesting choice but quite non-traditional. Why did you pick a cactus?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answers might include &quot;It was the only thing left in the shop when I belatedly thought about buying you something&quot; or &quot;It makes the most amazing and beautiful flower and I thought you should have something different and beautiful&quot; or &quot;My buddies found it really funny when I told them I would give you a cactus&quot; or &quot;It has the lowest carbon-footprint of all the flowers on offer and the environment matters to me.&quot; or &quot;Um... err... um... err... [topic change]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Each answer tells you something about his ideas about your relationship, himself, or you. Figure out how you feel about the answer and let him know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples: &quot;Valentine's Day is really really important to me so I have to admit I'm a bit disappointed that you thought of it only so late.&quot; or &quot;Let me make this clear right now: I do not want to be the butt of your friends' jokes. Knock it off.&quot; or &quot;I never thought of it that way.&quot; or &quot;Wow!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can continue with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you mean anything by spelling my name like that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and/or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Was it hard to find a restaurant for Valentine's day?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you're trying to find out if he can satisfy your needs, think about what those really are. Does the expectation for certain gifts on Valentine's Day simply follow societal expectations drummed into our brains by flower shops and chocolate manufacturers? Or is gift giving part of your &quot;love language&quot; and something you need to a certain extent to make you feel appreciated and loved? What would be a dealbreaker for you (something he does or doesn't do that would make you break off the relationship)? What gifts did you give him? Is it more the price or the amount of thought that went into the gift that matters?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And &lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; if you &lt;strong&gt;expect&lt;/strong&gt; to get more gifts than you give: be aware that traditionally the counter-expectation often was/is one of sexual gratification. To be clear, I'm not a big fan of that &quot;traditional&quot; model (of sex against gifts) - but tastes vary. Just carefully consider what you &quot;pay&quot; for what you get. If you consider your youth/beauty/body a tradeable commodity for which you want to extract maximum value beware that others can pick up on this and treat you like... a commodity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T20:03:08.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10654" CreationDate="2018-02-19T21:25:05.617" Score="110" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, something needs to be done about this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There were pretty often rejections or when I asked, &quot;what are you doing today evening, I don't have anything to do today ^^&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, the way you say it is quite cringy. You sound very much like &quot;I don't have anything better to do, so let's see each other.&quot; This is not flattering for her, as it makes her your fallback plan for when you have nothing else to do. You sound needy and bored, which is not attractive. Also, you ask her what she's doing, which makes you sound controlling, which you go on to kinda confirm:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she sometimes said stuff like: &quot;ill be reading, or watching tv etc&quot; which means to me, I HAVE free time, but I choose to spend it ALONE&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This comes off as: you decided for her that she should spend time with you rather than reading her book. She might not agree with that attitude. I'm not surprised by her reaction, as I immediately ditch anyone who displays a tendency to think they're entitled to make decisions for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are much better ways to say the exact same thing, even this old, very simple one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm going to watch [movie title], would you like to join?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not bored: you are going to watch a movie. You already decided which one. Feel free to substitute with any other activity, like bowling with friends or anything else. You're asking her out because you'd like her to be there and value her company (not because you have nothing better to do). The idea is that you have a life, and you're inviting her in. &#xA;You're not pressuring her to say yes; if she says no, your plans don't change. It doesn't sound controlling because it isn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what Rachel said in her answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Make yourself happy (love who you are and others will love you too)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the activities involve some of your friends, this also conveys important information to her: you have friends, and you're not afraid or ashamed of your friends meeting her. It says you value her, your friends seeing you with her would be okay, and her meeting your friends is also okay, they're not unwashed creeps, they're just normal people, you think she'll like them, and you think they'll like her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says &quot;no, she will stay home and read a book&quot;, then the next day you can ask her if she enjoyed it (good point for you! you listened!) and you can talk about the movie you watched or whatever you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something no-one mentioned is that she might be very introverted. Handling introverted people is a subject in and of itself, but I'll just say that they have a set amount of energy per day and interactions with people consume that energy at a rate that depends on the stakes, potential for conflict, number of people around, etc. Once the energy is drained, the introvert needs to curl up at home with a book and recharge, and especially not be bothered. If this is her case then you need to adjust accordingly and update your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The thing is now, that although we have a great time when we meet, and write every day, I kinda start to lose interest because everything goes to damn slow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a bit like a long distance relationship then, since you only meet once a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you are having deep philosophical discussions or other kinds of conversations that you enjoy enough to keep you interested, spending a lot of time every day writing to each other can result in boring and uninteresting small talk about each other's daily lives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smalltalk does not fulfill your goal of getting to know each other. So, review your conversations and try to assess the proportion of small talk  versus actual content (like: talking about past life experiences, philosophy, travels, dreams, life goals, tastes, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, rethink your interest in her. When re-reading your conversations, if you are bored into oblivion, then let's be honest, this doesn't look like it'll end up in a satisfying long-term relationship...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If however, you find her interesting, then do less small talk and explore the interesting subjects in more depth. Just don't talk about your day at all. Pick something interesting she said, and start a conversation about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to answer your question: write less often (not more). Cut it down from once a day to twice a week. This will increase the interesting discussions versus small talk ratio. Wait for her to initiate the conversation. Do not ask about what she ate, but if she cooked the recipe she learned from her grandma, then ask her all about the grandma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, have her plan the next date instead of trying to control everything. If she does not, then you know she's not interested. If she plans an amazing date, then she will get you interested, which solves your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, NEVER say something like &quot;I am losing interest&quot;. This is like watching a movie with a voiceover that explains in excruciating detail all the stuff that you can already see on the screen. If you are losing interest, then simply communicate/text/mail less often. If she is interested, she will then restart the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T13:20:42.377" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T13:20:42.377" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10666" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10654" CreationDate="2018-02-19T21:40:39.347" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's suppose her name is Nia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nia, I don't know about you, but the more I get to know you, the more I like you!  And I feel like we're getting to a turning point in our relationship: to go forward we should move to the next level.  I don't mean romantically -- although of course I'm looking forward to that [you may give her hand a squeeze at this point if you like] -- I mean spending more time together, focusing more on each other.  Is this a good time to do a check-in?  How are you feeling about how things are going between us?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Features of this approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are expressing positive feedback without overwhelming her;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are giving her an I-message and giving her the opportunity to do the same -- but without pressuring her to do so;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are laying it on the line, that you feel that the relationship is at a fork in the road.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone gets frustrated as some point in their lives.  That's only human.  The key is to find a way of conveying how you feel, while preventing her from feeling smothered or chased.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T21:49:31.020" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T21:49:31.020" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10589" CreationDate="2018-02-19T22:04:17.473" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talk to each friend who means something to you, one or two at a time.  Here's a starting point:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen, Joe, I wanted to let you know that I'm going to have to put socializing on a bit of a back burner for a while.  I want to have a clearer focus on (name of project) and that means I won't be able to be a good friend at this juncture in my life.  So, for the time being, and I'm not sure for how long, you probably won't be hearing much from me, and I won't be able to get together for (name of usual activity).  This has nothing to do with you, or our friendship.  I wanted to let you know what's going on with me, because we go back a long way and I wouldn't want my self-absorption to hurt you in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I don't want you to worry about me.  Know that if I ever need a helping hand or a friendly voice to connect with, I know exactly where to go!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is hopefully a graceful way out, that puts the focus on &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; and minimizes the other person's hurt feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T22:04:17.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10569" CreationDate="2018-02-19T22:14:11.077" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lead by example.  Next time &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; ask &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt; out for a special occasion, organize things really well, get him a gift that he will, by 99% probability, be really pleased with, and have a great time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As your relationship continues to develop (if it continues), you may find that you're better at planning fun activities.  You may also find that you're better at choosing thoughtful gifts.  But if he turns out to be kind of clueless in these areas, by nature, then you'll feel touched when he makes an effort -- even if it doesn't turn out very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if it's a special, special occasion, where it really matters to you that things go smoothly, then make sure you do the planning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;My thought process: my spouse is one of these clueless people when it comes to planning fun activities and choosing gifts.  However, my spouse has other redeeming qualities and I've learned not to take it personally.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-02-19T22:14:11.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10669" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10679" CreationDate="2018-02-19T22:39:31.090" Score="2" ViewCount="1010" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a small, quiet, and friendly apartment complex in a nice and fairly crime-free area of town. Recently, a middle-aged man moved into a unit near mine, living with his father, and has been causing a lot of disturbance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the past week, he has:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;• Banged on my door twice, then suddenly ran down to his car and drove away&lt;br&gt;&#xA;• Walked around the complex at 9 am shouting and cursing&lt;br&gt;&#xA;• Knocked on my car window while I was pulling out to rant to me about his ex&lt;br&gt;&#xA;• Quite literally walks in circles around the parking lot until he sees someone walking/driving, then approaches them or their car&lt;br&gt;&#xA;• And the icing on the cake, &lt;strong&gt;opened my car door after I had just gotten in&lt;/strong&gt; and got into the passenger's seat, with no invitation nor acknowledgement from me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a neighbor approach me the other day asking me about this individual, and the neighbor complained that he had experienced much of this and was at his wits end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found out, through a friend in the same complex who had spoken to the police about him, that this individual is schizophrenic and has repeated run-ins with the law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm at a loss of what to do. Not because this fellow may have some personality disorder, but because I - and all of the neighbors I've spoken to about this - feel a strong sense of danger from him. He has an air of intensity and aggression and unpredictability, and that combined with his actions make the whole community feel unsafe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do we approach him or his father to come to a reasonable solution?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12939" LastEditorUserId="12939" LastEditDate="2018-02-19T22:56:58.907" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T02:56:07.457" Title="Aggressive, cursing, unpredictable neighbor causing fear in community" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-02-20T04:13:19.703" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10641" CreationDate="2018-02-19T22:41:06.913" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had the opportunity to work side-by-side with a database administrator that saw herself forced in a very similar situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She proceeded to print a poster, not entirely unlike the one below, and hang it  by the entrance of her office bay at noon:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/R5yfF.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/R5yfF.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;&amp;quot;This isn't the DBA you're looking for. She's out for lunch and will be back around 1:00pm&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It worked wonders. She got chuckles out of some, grunts from others, but the lunchtime pestering ended. Your mileage may vary, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2944" LastEditorUserId="2944" LastEditDate="2021-03-31T19:15:10.667" LastActivityDate="2021-03-31T19:15:10.667" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10672" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10669" CreationDate="2018-02-19T23:44:10.933" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is extremely hard to persuade a person to change something about themselves. Given that you do not have a close relationship with this person, and he is schizophrenic, I doubt you will find much success.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to try anyway I would recommend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) pick one specific behavior that you want to change.&lt;/strong&gt;  Make sure it is specific, something that is a big deal, say jumping into your car uninvited. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) Take cookies over to their apartment,&lt;/strong&gt;  or brownies or beer, the goal is to give them a small gift to show that you are friendly (not antagonistic) and that you care about them not just yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3) Engage in small talk.&lt;/strong&gt; Ask polite questions about them and share a little about yourself. This will be hard with someone who is schizophrenic. Try anyway as it shows that you care about them, and builds a rapport with them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4) Tell them you need to leave, then stop as if you just had a thought come to you and make your request&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't make any accusations, just ask him not to do the behavior and tell him it just makes you uncomfortable or you're protective of your personal space.  Something like this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey (name) could I ask you a favor? Could you not jump into my car? &#xA;  I know you don't mean anything by it, I'm just a little sensitive&#xA;  about my personal space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5)&lt;/strong&gt; Assuming he agrees &lt;strong&gt;thank him&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;6) Make sure to talk to him when you see him again later.&lt;/strong&gt;  It doesn't have to be long, just a minute or two. This reinforces to him that he can get your attention if he behaves correctly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;7)&lt;/strong&gt; If he does the behavior you have asked him not to do just politely say:&#xA;Hey (name) Please don't do (behavior) I really don't like it. The next time you see him and he behaves correctly repeat step six.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;8)&lt;/strong&gt; If he fixes the behavior you asked him to stop you can pick another inappropriate behavior to ask him to stop, but this time you might just ask him to stop behavior X while talking to him on the sidewalk since you don't want to appear to be bribing the good behavior with gifts.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that's a lot of steps but if you want your request to be heard you will most likely need to build some sort of relationship with him and his dad. It will take a long time.  For neural normal people it should work great. For someone who's schizophrenic I don't know.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, Please be careful, from your description he seems aggressive. You haven't described any violent behavior so that's good, but aggression in someone who is schizophrenic seems like a risky combination to me.  So please pay attention to his body language and be careful. If he seems more nervous then normal back off and say goodbye. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you're successful! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="17611" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T02:56:07.457" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T02:56:07.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10271" CreationDate="2018-02-20T00:44:43.287" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in a very similar situation, and I spoke to them about it. Be honest, and make it very clear that you're willing to respect their choice whatever it is. Feelings can stew and turn bad if they're left unaddressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing wrong with wanting more from a good relationship (it's a massive complement) but you have to make sure you respect your friends feelings if they decline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing happened between me and my friend romatically, but we got closer, and ended up being very good friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few minor notes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Throwing out 'Dear' every now and then can sometimes be a safe little clue for the other person you might want a bit more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have a hate of valentines because im a bitter f*ck who's got no-one to share it with, you might be able to change that for them which is a really lovely thing to give someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck with what ever you choose to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12941" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T00:44:43.287" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2115" CreationDate="2018-02-20T01:55:08.760" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talk to them about it, and try to get them to articulate their views clearly, If they're reasonably intelligent a few well asked questions will sow some seeds of doubt in their mind, this can be very powerful. Avoid labeling the person as this will drive them deeper down the rabbit hole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also is your friend conflating Muslim with Islam? Just like all religions Islam has some terrible ideas behind it ( and some positive too ). I would be very explicit with this, It's very easy to find horrific ideas in religous texts, denying this will give them an out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep calm, let them talk... and if they turn out to be a horrid racist then stop hanging around them. Losing friends you respect is sometimes the shock you need to reconsider things in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Also mentioning your offended to someone who thinks they have facts on their side is argument suicide, your perfectly entitled to be offended but advertising it wont help your argument)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12941" LastEditorUserId="12941" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T02:04:40.927" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T02:04:40.927" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10676" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10692" CreationDate="2018-02-20T02:37:30.087" Score="5" ViewCount="892" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend &quot;Alice&quot; has an older boyfriend. He asked me out on a date &lt;strong&gt;right in front of her&lt;/strong&gt; today. I looked at Alice, and she turned away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't know if this was a dare or serious, so I called him a jerk for asking me out, especially in her presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice later came to me and told me that her bf didn't care about her, and kinda started laying her emotional load on me. (So it wasn't a dare...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what to do, because &lt;strong&gt;I don't want to be a part of this kinda thing&lt;/strong&gt;. I feel that this is best left between them both, but I'm being dragged into this by Alice, who considers me as some kind of emotional problem solver. (Maybe I should send her to this Stack Exchange? XD)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question is, how should I try and come out of this situation without hurting Alice?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found out yesterday after asking that Alice's bf is 19, and I was scared as hell. My mom spoke to him today, so no issues with him anymore. Alice is a neighbor, BTW, not a school friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's extremely weird, I just didn't know how old he was when he asked me out. However, Alice is 16, and I'm sure she knows how to do her thing with a 19 year old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to @KingGraham and @AlexandreAudin's comments:&#xA;Since she's older than me, I found it weird that she was confiding in me, and that her boyfriend asked me out when I found out his age. Maybe her boyfriend didn't know how old I was either, because I was hanging out with a 16 year old, and I'm really tall...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to @TinkeringBell's comment, my main problem is to get out of the emotional load of an older friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12724" LastEditorDisplayName="user12724" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T12:59:34.770" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T15:43:06.363" Title="How to get out of another group's interpersonal problems without hurting their feelings" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;teenagers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10669" CreationDate="2018-02-20T03:29:26.850" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to figure out whether there's a real chance that your new neighbor might hurt someone.  If yes, take precautions, and call the police to report all breaches of the peace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you determine that there's no real danger from this individual, then you'll be able to relax and start getting used to this colorful bird who has made a nest in your corner of the island.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure exactly how to find that out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until and unless you've gotten convincing reassurance, I suggest that you take the better-safe-than-sorry approach and calmly and consistently calling the police to report each incident as they occur.  This will provide some measure of protection, and will enable you to pick up on the police force's assessment of risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're able to make a connection with his father, this might also help with assessing the degree of risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if it turns out he's not actually dangerous to others, and just does a lot of flapping and squawking?  Many of us don't know how to live with and near people with a severe mental illness, because so often the mentally ill are segregated from the rest of society.  Here are some ideas for how to start to learn how to be tolerant of someone who may be hallucinating and talking back to his hallucinations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do some reading about serious mental illness.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Invite a representative of your local Mental Health Association to come and give a presentation and Q&amp;amp;A in your neighborhood.  If there is no community center, you may be able to use a church in your area for the event.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find a chapter of NAMI and attend some of their events.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Call a crisis hotline and chat with the volunteer on duty.  S/he will be able to help you get used to the situation, and may have some practical suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to find some common ground with your new neighbor and/or his father.  Be clear in your own mind what your boundaries are going to be.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;My background knowledge for this answer stems from having had a mother who worked in a state mental hospital.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T03:29:26.850" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10683" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10707" CreationDate="2018-02-20T04:57:49.030" Score="10" ViewCount="3854" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have 2 girlfriends in a polyamorous relationship. I have been dating the first one for a couple of years and I recently started dating the second one for 8 months. They are friends with each other and have we all enjoy each others company and intimacy. I love both of them, and for the last couple of months I've been extremely happy. Unfortunately, both of them want a conventional marriage. I come from East Africa, polyamorous relationships are very out of the norm. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A conventional marriage to either of them would likely hurt and make me lose the other. I'm happy with both, and I don't want to choose between them. Any ideas on how other polyamourous relationships do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I set a conversation to make a case on how we can all be happy without the conventional marriage in a way that none of them feels less than the other?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12948" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T05:37:47.110" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T05:37:47.110" Title="How do I tactfully approach both polyamorous partners to talk about their expectations about the future?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;east-africa&gt;&lt;polyamory&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-05-17T14:21:54.517" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10685" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1502" CreationDate="2018-02-20T05:13:24.107" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I noticed two contradictory statements:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This seems to be a one-sided disagreement - meaning that Person A doesn't like Family B for some slight that Person A can't get past. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm not involved in the disagreement and don't completely understand it &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you do not completely understand the disagreement, yet you are holding Person A responsible.  Maybe if you fully understood the disagreement, you would understand why Person A thinks it is impossible to be around Family B.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hypothetically speaking, if Family B did something &lt;em&gt;bullying&lt;/em&gt; towards Person A, you could be piling-on by holding Person A accountable before understanding the facts.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it were me, and a friend tricked me into having to be around people that I had felt bullied by, I would be very upset. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12906" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T05:13:24.107" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10689" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10702" CreationDate="2018-02-20T07:52:54.577" Score="16" ViewCount="10230" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good friend of mine is working on a big project and lately he started doing all-nighters (actually, every day).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This project is &lt;strong&gt;big&lt;/strong&gt;. It's a group project with ~35 people. This friend of mine is in charge of the last part of the project, and it's due in ~21 hours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The lack of sleep (less than 6 hours each day, during daytime) is not healthy for him, and I can see it physically (bloodshot eyes, eating problems and other things which only started once he started with the all nighters)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I approach the subject and tell him that he shouldn't stay up for so long? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Even though the project will end soon, he has a lot of catching up to do on school things. He's a senior, maybe that belongs in the beginning of the question...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The project, for those familiar, is a robotics competition's build season. This friend of mine has a lot of school work he's been postponing until after finishing the project. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarification:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By &quot;all-nighter&quot;, I mean starting to work at around 4 pm, staying up after midnight, until about 7 am the next day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10" LastEditorUserId="10" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T10:38:55.223" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T19:00:20.877" Title="Approach a friend's lack of sleep" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10676" CreationDate="2018-02-20T08:31:31.053" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It might be that she does not see you as your emotional problem solver or expects something like that. I believe it to be more likely that she might just need someone to talk to, to vent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone needs someone he can turn to if things go wrong, and maybe she does not have anyone else to talk to. And as it seems she has big, big relationship problems which can be a huge burden for someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To answer your question:&lt;/strong&gt; I don't really think that you can stay uninvolved without really hurting your friend a bit as it shows disinterest in her life and her needs but the best thing you can do is to have an honest talk with her and state what you said here. That it is something you are not comfortable with and that it should stay between the two of them, and that they should work on it. But that you wish them the best! This way you show that you'd rather stay uninvolved in their problems but that you still wish for their problems to turn out well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BUT&lt;/strong&gt;, to throw my personal opinion in as well: Just meet up with her someplace nice, like for example, go for a coffee and let her talk. Just let her vent and you listen. Noone can solve other peoples relationship problems, and I am sure she knows that, but by simply listening you can show that you are a good friend of hers and that you care for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;And yes you could give her the tip to visit this site, but explain to her what to expect here and what help she can find here because not everything is fit for Interpersonal SE. New people are always awesome :)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T09:01:50.283" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T09:01:50.283" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10654" CreationDate="2018-02-20T08:40:51.740" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are both relatively young and may not have the same expectations in a relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also might also have not the same values as yourself into what comes being close to her family, about what a boyfriend means to her or about her free time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to meet her more than a week, there might be a way around it. You do not have to have full blown dates all the time. Have a quick coffee for instance once a week for starters to gauge how she reacts to the idea/routine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared that her priorities, or with what she sees as her &quot;normal&quot; at this time of life, to be studying/working and be with the family at weekdays, and meeting you only at weekends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Complementing the answer with my personal own experience:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in such a relationship for many years with someone who gave more importance to the father, family values and school; I dropped her once when her only idea of dating was we meeting once every three weeks, but made the mistake of coming back to the relation, also due to family pressure ( they liked her a lot, they still talk with her).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I eventually outgrew the relation, and found someone else after she refused to move in with me after she lost her job, and had to return to her home town; it was for the better and a conscious choice: she was a nice person, however our backgrounds, core values and needs were way too different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was also on the other end with my 1st &quot;official&quot; gf, she wanted so much more than weekend meetings and enjoying some time together, and at that point in life in my (very) early 20s, I was not emotionally prepared for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T11:51:57.820" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T11:51:57.820" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10694" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10689" CreationDate="2018-02-20T09:34:33.130" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you tell him of the consequences of not sleeping that might make his all-nighters irrelevant with time. For example, tell him that even if the project goes successfully after him not sleeping, he might be too sick later to enjoy the rewards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure that in any educational project, besides learning about the project matter, you also learn &lt;em&gt;how a project should actually be done&lt;/em&gt; efficiently, keeping everyone's welfare in mind. Achieving success in the project isn't the only thing that's important, especially if someone's making himself unwell in the process, and losing out on vital sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Drill into his head that &lt;strong&gt;health first, everything else is secondary&lt;/strong&gt;. If he argues against it, show him &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sleep/what-happens-to-your-body-when-you-lose-sleep&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;evidence&lt;/a&gt; of what happens to people who don't sleep. It's extremely important that he realizes the priority of stuff in life, even if popular culture may show otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T09:34:33.130" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10696" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10689" CreationDate="2018-02-20T10:02:40.720" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest the opposite of what AbhigyanC answered, I like to believe your friend is aware of the sacrifices he's making, and that he's actually trying to fulfil his tasks respecting the deadline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's the case then talking about its health wont help a lot, I can tell because I'm actually like your friend. &quot;I'm young, I'll sleep later, the deadlines are what matters.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What could help you here is find examples and testimonies of experienced developpers showing samples of code they produced when they slept enough, and when they didn't and how much time was required to produce theese samples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Occasional all-nighters aren't a big deal if you control well enough your sleep shedule to get that sleep back later, but chain-all-nighters are useless, you exhaust yourself too much, and do more and more stupid mistakes which makes you lose more and more time, making all-nighting worthless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This being said, AbhigyanC's answer is the wisest actually, but everyone's not wise enough to do what's best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10828" LastEditorUserId="2002" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T18:02:11.133" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T18:02:11.133" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10641" CreationDate="2018-02-20T10:24:43.513" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience, hanging around the work desk to take advantage of lunch hours does not lend well to be left in peace about work. Some people won't get it. Even if staying &lt;em&gt;inside&lt;/em&gt; it is better off to head to the cafeteria, or to designated places for eating (if any).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One possibility that other answers do not cover is enlisting the help of other closer workmates that have different hours for eating for &quot;indoctrination&quot;; when people popped by at lunch hours searching for workmates I asked them in polite terms why they were searching them at lunch time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back in my last work, we dealt with a lot of different kind of departments, and  bureaucracy was not that rigid, so we had often lots of people searching for us, including during lunch breaks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually what we did, especially when people were searching for colleagues, or people directed to us by the helpdesk, was saying &quot;he is in a lunch break&quot;. We were not rude, however, we also said in a way as kind &quot;he is supposed to be on his lunch break&quot;. With people which I were more used to deal with (which was a lot), I usually said &quot;You know it is our lunch time, right?&quot;. Usually that was even more effective when &lt;em&gt;someone else&lt;/em&gt; was saying that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People usually said they would come back later on, and over time we had less people coming or sent our way during lunch breaks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-12-28T16:45:53.000" LastActivityDate="2018-12-28T16:45:53.000" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10689" CreationDate="2018-02-20T10:43:31.043" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure what age exactly a 'senior' might be, but I would guess mid to late teens. That is an age at which people are still working out who they are and how they live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a student I pulled all nighters, my first ones in my final year at school when I was 16/17 and carried on, occasionally, turning them in for study and work until I was in perhaps my early forties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I learnt from that experience was that while you might feel a bit buzzy after a few in a row (btw, getting 5-ish hours sleep is nothing like an 'all-nighter' even if the sleep is 'technically' in the daytime. To most people an 'all-nighter' is when you literally stay up/work around the clock), you really &lt;em&gt;aren't likely to feel ill or bad&lt;/em&gt; in a significant way as long as you are getting some uninterrupted sleep. I found that one 'sleep cycle' which seems for me to be about 4 hours, was more refreshing than six hours and it was much harder to get going again if I had to wake at the deepest part of sleep. The point here being that your friend might not be very open to your intervention if he feels like he isn't affected. So to get him to listen you will have to come up with things to make him think about the effects lack of sleep &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being sleep deprived as a &lt;em&gt;lifestyle&lt;/em&gt; will probably do a person no good, you are right about that, but someone who is temporarily &lt;em&gt;a bit short on sleep&lt;/em&gt; for a few days is really not exposing themselves to those risks in that time period. The risks they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; exposing themselves to are that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A) they start to think it is a normal amount, which for some it may be but in that instance they would not qualify as 'sleep deprived'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B) They may be unaware of the short term risks which include things like impaired judgement and slower than usual reaction times. Those are obviously problematic if they are staying up late to get more work done if more but poorer work is ultimately less beneficial. More directly those effects can put them at risk of injury to themselves and others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Heck_rail_crash&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Great Heck Rail Crash&lt;/a&gt; is a case in point. Gary Neil Hart stayed up all night internetting and drinking coffee, then set out to drive in his Landrover, pulling a trailer. he managed to swerve off the road, down an embankment onto a railway where his vehicle caused a partial derailment which deflected a passenger train into the path of a freightliner resulting in the loss of ten lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend drives, you might make him aware that operating a vehicle in a sleep deprived state is dangerous for his and others. Even if he doesn't drive he is putting himself at greater risks from all manner of other incidents, it is much easier to misjudge crossing the road, pouring water from a kettle, handling kitchen knives etc when your reactions are slowed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are all sorts of easy tests you can find online for testing reaction speed, but something you can do very easily to demonstrate the effect it is having on him is the &lt;a href=&quot;https://study.com/academy/lesson/ruler-drop-test-for-reaction-time.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Ruler Drop Test&lt;/a&gt; where you drop and catch a ruler such that you can use use the rulers markings as a proxy for timing reaction. If you readily outperform him on such a test you may more easily convince him that there are real effects from losing sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T11:09:26.933" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T11:09:26.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10699" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10689" CreationDate="2018-02-20T10:55:34.013" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have to assume from the information you give that your friend does not have his life in balance. He should not need to work all through the night, and this suggests that he is using the time during the day when he ought to be working for something else. Is he using the time during the day for recreation or some other pursuit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of the specific cause, you have identified that this change in lifestyle is the root of the problem, and most people would agree with you that it IS a problem. Without being judgemental of his choices you need to help your friend see that he does not have his life in balance. His choices are impacting negatively on his life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start by telling him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You haven't been yourself recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is pretty non-judgemental. You're not telling him he's doing something wrong, or what he should be doing. But be honest - tell him that he looks tired, and that he looks ill. Ask him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you sleeping ok?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And see what he thinks. Try and see if &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; knows what the problem is. If it turns out he is wasting time during the day on something futile like gaming; or maybe something more serious is causing him to procrastinate, he needs to break the cycle. Once you stay awake all night and sleep during the day you pretty much get into a cycle of this and become nocturnal. Eating at the correct times and exercise during the day will set him up for a good night's sleep and get back into a healthy pattern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T10:55:34.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10700" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10704" CreationDate="2018-02-20T11:06:45.050" Score="4" ViewCount="549" Body="&lt;h1&gt;The Situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an intern in germany as a german. The focus of the company isn't directly the same as my area of study (I study computer science, the company mainly designs, solders and programs hardware). They surely know things about computer science, but mostly from their hardware-making perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They needed someone with my skills to do a project which is too far away from their skills and knowledge. I should research about connecting two Components A and B and how someday A can be connected to a future existing component X. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Boss is also a Professor in electronics and very self-confident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to explain to him how he can connect A and X on his own. I tried to document as easily as possible how I connected A with B and how A can possibly  be connected to X someday. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time he doesn't know what I mean, he gives me the feeling that I don't know what I am talking about. He asks me for details which I can't explain because they're none of my business. After I tell him that it isn't neccessary to know, he gives me the feeling that he doesn't trust the things I told him before. &#xA;There are even details I can't explain to him because he doesn't have the knowledge and I can't teach him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I was very introverted in the past, things are much better now. But I have problems in expressing myself when I have to talk and discuss with persons of authority. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;[EDIT]&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After my internship, I have to study for another year before writing my diploma. While it is really hard to communicate with people which have no detailed knowledge in my area I try to get another job after my studies. But in order to get a good employer's reference I want a &quot;happy end&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell my boss that (at least) I can't help him due to his lack of knowledge?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12960" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T13:39:01.547" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T14:11:10.420" Title="How can I convince my boss without knowing every detail?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;authority-figures&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10689" CreationDate="2018-02-20T11:31:34.617" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;As students it can be easy to ignore your health and develop bad practices like your friend is doing - in an attempt to salvage a failed project. I feel the true answer is to explain to them what I've written below, and that they need to stop over-working immediately - even if it feels wrong, or like they are letting the team down.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;H3&gt; This project is being mismanaged &lt;/h3&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite what you may feel on a project that is so important to you, with so little time left - it is very important to recognise:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Crunch is not a necessary evil&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The truth in all professional development is you have a fixed amount of time to make something, and a fixed amount of resource (man-hours) to make it with. The area that can change, is how much of what you wanted to do - actually gets done (the project scope).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Crunching, as your friend has been doing - is a failed attempt to rectify bad planning and management decisions made earlier in the project. They are trying to add more resource, to avoid changing the scope of the project. This is neither sustainable, nor good for their professional development.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may feel completely crushing to accept this truth; that the project is not going to be delivered to the standard you wanted. But you need to explain to your friend, and colleagues, that it is not their fault you are in this situation - it is the fault of bad planning throughout the project (due to lack of experience - not malicious intent).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this project to have worked, decisions earlier should have cut features repeatedly until you knew your goal could be delivered through sustainable development. Importantly, this isn't a one-off cut, this should have been on a regular basis to re-evaluate what goal was actually possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How to pivot and fix this one-off situation&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I do understand that it's one thing to tell you what went wrong, and how to explain to your friend that it isn't their fault this situation happened (and that they are not responsible for fixing it). But at the end of the day, you are still in the situation and do need to fix it however possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To try to salvage whatever you can, I'd recommend you take the following steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Identify how much resource you actually have, without overworking any single person. If it's just the one person for 6 hours, that's fine - it's what you have. Do not allow anybody to try and pull off a heroic last-stand. &lt;strong&gt;Everybody is to sleep - that is not their choice to make.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Identify what the most important features are that are on your backlog. List them in a priority order, cutting anything off the list that isn't a &quot;must have&quot;. If it does not prevent you delivering - do not include it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Estimate each of these tasks as a team. Whoever is available to work on that last section must be involved - it is their estimates you will be using as they are the ones actually making it. &lt;strong&gt;Double the estimates they give&lt;/strong&gt; - you have already proven to under-estimate work as a team; do not expect that to change overnight.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Drop any tasks that do not fit into the time remaining. These are not to be considered under any circumstance - even if another task took less time than you thought. You are aiming to only finish these pieces of work and then deliver.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Assign the tasks and begin working. Whenever somebody finishes their tasks - they either help somebody else if needed, or stop working altogether. You do not want people adding scope in the last hours - you are aiming to achieve the new goal you've set &lt;strong&gt;and no more.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To re-iterate, you must first accept the project failure is not reliant on this person and explain to them how it is not their fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, you need to make a new plan that can salvage whatever is possible in the remaining time - given a sustainable effort to finish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, you need to act on this plan and accept that whatever the result is, is the team's combined result - not due to one person failing to pull their weight (proper management of the project would prevent that ever being a possibility).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Doing this, you will develop healthier professional practices. Failing to win the competition is a better outcome than solidifying the unprofessional mindset that anything can be fixed with more time/resource. Which IMO should be the most important factor as a student.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10883" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T11:31:34.617" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10641" CreationDate="2018-02-20T12:15:30.073" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The issue here, which has been pointed out, is that you're sat at your desk during your lunch. This indicates to everyone, regardless of the food on your desk or StackExchange on your screen, you could possibly still be working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The further issue is, as well, it sounds like this has happened for a while. It also sounds like you've answered those questions. So you've set the standards for your colleagues: &lt;strong&gt;even if I have food on my desk and no work on my screen, I'm available for work talk&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had this happen to me, and the &quot;best&quot; way to deal with it was to be short with them. As soon as they've asked the question, I would reply, bluntly, &quot;Can you not see that I'm on my break?&quot;. More often than not, I would be told that they thought I was working because I was at my desk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my point of view, the only solution is to remove yourself from your desk for your lunch. This isn't always possible I know, especially where I work, but I often drive to a car park nearby and read a book, or I walk around the block and listen to something. The positive to this is that I feel more refreshed when I get back to work and I actually feel like I've had a break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="523" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T12:15:30.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10700" CreationDate="2018-02-20T12:31:45.190" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have to respect that he is your boss, but at the same time you want to feel like you are fulfilling your current role and build your reputation with him. This may mean some humility on your part, but if you can complete this project in a way that is pleasing to your boss he will have more confidence in you, and the more confidence he has in you the less he will question you on future projects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without a full technical grasp of what it is you are doing I don't find it possible to give you exact words to use, but what you should &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;avoid&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;dismissing his concerns&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. You said that your previous responses have left you feeling like he doesn't trust you - this may be because he feels his concerns have been dismissed, or not considered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things to &lt;strong&gt;avoid&lt;/strong&gt; saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;That is irrelevant&quot; - because he believes it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; relevant.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I don't know&quot; - suggests you are incapable or have not researched&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;It's fine&quot; - this comes across as a platitude, or blindly optimistic.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously you shouldn't say anything that you don't mean or isn't true, so have a think about what you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; say to reassure him, even if you don't fully understand his area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;EXAMPLE&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say your boss has a computer engineering background and knows all about serial data connections, predating USB (I'm picking something simple that most people know a bit about). Then let's say you have a detailed &lt;em&gt;practical&lt;/em&gt; knowledge of modern USB connections in that you know intimately what they can and cannot do, but you don't know precisely &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; they work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, your boss asks you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How can a device draw power from the USB connection?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't actually know &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; it works but you are 100% assured that it &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt;, so a good answer might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It is inherent in the design.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not saying you don't know about it in detail, but you are saying that you know enough to have complete confidence in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a think about ways you can reassure your boss &lt;em&gt;on a level that you understand&lt;/em&gt; and that at least demonstrates you have a &lt;em&gt;practical working knowledge&lt;/em&gt; of what you are working with, even though you may not have a deep background knowledge of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T13:33:43.437" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T13:33:43.437" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10705" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10551" CreationDate="2018-02-20T12:44:28.707" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is another option on the table. Next time she asks, your response should be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When will you pay me back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(regardless of the amount of the &quot;loan&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it clear, up front before she accepts the money that this is intended to be a literal borrowing of money, and &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a borrowing like you borrow a piece of paper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says, &quot;Never mind,&quot; then your problems have been solved. If she accepts the loan then it's likely that she'll pay you back, or at least intends to. And if she doesn't pay you back, you learned an important lesson about her character and it only cost you a tenner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2308" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T12:44:28.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10700" CreationDate="2018-02-20T12:54:12.110" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell my boss at least that I can't help him because of a lack of his knowledge?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can´t. As a professional it is part of you job to talk to &quot;amateures&quot; in their language. This is a skill you have to learn and trust me when I tell you it is probably easier with an electronics-professor then with most other people you will meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it can be frustrating, but as a principle, if the user does not understand something, it is a clear sign you did not present it in an adequate way. Try not to blame him but see it as a challenge to improve your communication. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at a given moment you don´t know a specific detail, make a note of the question and promise to get back to them. It is often better to honestly admit not knowing something than fumbling your way out of it - especially so if you want to build trust!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after a review of the question you are still convinced that you don´t want or have to know the answer you should bring that up to your manager and see if this maybe belongs with a colleague. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But always avoid &quot;&lt;em&gt;This is not my job/problem&lt;/em&gt;&quot; kind of attitude - you should try to be part of the solution. That said, it is better to ask for help than not delivering at all. Especially given you student-status and you interdisciplinary field of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, maybe you have some non-technical person in your life you could use as a sparring-partner - explain you work to them and see if they understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T12:54:12.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10683" CreationDate="2018-02-20T13:32:08.743" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Marriage is important symbolically and legally. Convincing someone to give up their long held hopes and dreams of getting married isn't something that's going to happen in one conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best bet is to start by understanding what your partners want from a relationship, and from a marriage. Talk about what they want long term. Do they see themselves being poly after marriage? Share your long term relationship goals with them. It's easy to say &quot;I want to get Married.&quot; It's much harder to explain what that means to someone. &lt;strong&gt;Regardless of whether you are poly or not you should be having this conversation before deciding to marry someone.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have an idea of what your partner's are looking for you can start talking about reconciling differences in long term goals. There may be goals that are just incompatible. If this is the case then you need to decide whether it's time to end the relationship now or wait until the differences start to become a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't offer any advice about the cultural/legal specifics of East African polyamory but in the United States many successful long term poly households create a distinction between the legal practice of getting married and whatever rituals and promises they make for each other. What this looks like in practice is incredibly varied based on the resources and needs of a particular family. In general it requires generating legal documents that can provide some of the protections and freedoms that a married couple would have by default. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T13:32:08.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10709" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10700" CreationDate="2018-02-20T14:11:10.420" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm writing this as an engineer mostly working on hardware (ASIC/FPGA) design with low level software (think bitwise opcode decoding). I have to work with higher abstraction software people a lot. As such, I'll say &quot;we&quot; a lot. The different perspective might be useful for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Don't underestimate your boss&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We know how to write software. We especially know how to write fast/efficient software. We just don't use a lot of higher level abstractions and libraries that other software developers take for granted. This is not because of some inherent limitation on which kinds of software we can use, but simply because software at our level is easier to understand &lt;em&gt;to us&lt;/em&gt; if it involves a lot of bit-fiddling. We're hardware designers, after all. Even when designing in &quot;high abstraction&quot; hardware languages, everything is easily translatable into bits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;You need to talk us down&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;..to a lower abstraction level, that is. We need you guys, desperately, but most of the concepts that are useful at high abstraction level only make sense to us if you can bridge the gap between your usage and our knowledge. You template meta-programmed the next cloud-based deep neural net using functional programming? That's great, but somewhere along the line, an ip header has to be generated by my firmware. When you give me your code, I'll seemingly roast you, but only because it's vital that we meet halfway. I need to slowly abstract away my bits to system calls and software routines, you need to come the different direction. We need to internalize the abstraction delta on the fly, this is hard enough that there are complete branches industry between our normal workflows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is made even worse when it seems like you don't take our concerns seriously. I'm not saying you do not, in fact, take them seriously, I'm saying it &lt;em&gt;seems&lt;/em&gt; that way when you say that &quot;I don't need to know&quot;. Especially when in my eyes, I do need to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Small example, based on when I last had to work with higher level software people:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're connecting two components A and B via a cable and everything works.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In order to connect A to X, you tell me to just use this cable again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know from experience that for some chips, this kind of cable's signal round-trip delay is fine for most applications, but for others it all breaks down because of a non-standardized data line.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I ask you if the connection between A and X requires the same cable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In your eyes, the cable is just plug and play and a bunch of libraries take care of the low level signalling, so you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that you don't need to know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm sorry, but you'll have to talk me through some of these libraries until you got me to an abstraction level where I have experience. If you don't know them yourself, that's fine, just say so. In the best case, we can find out about them together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11405" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T14:11:10.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10654" CreationDate="2018-02-20T14:24:59.737" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having given this some thought...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not going too slowly, you're at a good pace, but the physical part of the relationship is not the only thing you want to build slowly.  Dating is about learning about the other person, and you need both the time with, and time without the person to form a clear idea in your head and heart to know if this is indeed someone you want to spend a long time together with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are afraid that not seeing someone more frequently than once a week will make you lose interest, then first ask yourself why, and if that would be the case should something come up in the future, such as having to move for a job, or being tied up with family emergencies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a relationship is new, there is the urge to spend every waking moment with that person.  It's actually best that you haven't been doing this because you get a contrast between time spent with and time spent away from this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easy to think long term when you're with someone constantly, harder if you have breaks, and that's the point.  If, when you're apart, you can't wait to get back with the person, then that's a good sign, if you start to lose interest, then that's a sign too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you want is a clear sign one way or the other, and if you don't like the one you're getting, changing the frequency won't help the problem, it may just mask it for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T14:24:59.737" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10711" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10714" CreationDate="2018-02-20T15:13:16.577" Score="1" ViewCount="438" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; I organize a social event within a group of friends. One of them cannot come for medical reasons. Can I do anything to comfort him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are a group of about 30 people aged 19--40 who got to know each other at a 2-week scout meeting. We got really close to each other during this and try to meet regularly. Three of these live in a city quite far from me (3 hours by train).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I saw there's a concert of a band I like in their city, so I started a Facebook group chat with me and the 3 of them. Two confirmed and we planned the details (still in the chat), while one (&quot;Joe&quot;) told us immediately that unfortunately he'll be in hospital at that time, and it was basically his only message, though he's not left the group chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have any signal from Joe that he is uneasy with the situation, but I believe that he might be. Is there a way how to approach this in order to find out whether he's OK with all of this? My ultimate goal is that this does not leave any scars on our friendship (and I may be overthinking this and there's nothing bad going on).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T15:16:35.740" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T15:56:29.280" Title="Comforting a friend who misses a social event for medical reasons" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10712" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10723" CreationDate="2018-02-20T15:21:44.773" Score="16" ViewCount="35951" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I became friends with a girl named Penny around a year ago when she started dating my good friend Kyle; Penny and I became friends when she became a part of the friend group Kyle and I were a part of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the past three months or so, Penny and I have been chatting a lot with each of us being each other's #1 best friends on Snapchat for the past few weeks. We often talk about each other's friends and relationships and vent to each other about stuff going on in our lives... plus a little &quot;healthy&quot; gossip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've also been hanging out more and more. Recently, Penny and I attended a weekend long event together in which we shared a hotel room and spent most of the weekend together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Around three months ago is when I started to develop romantic feelings for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Around two months ago, Penny and Kyle broke up on relatively good terms. It's something she had talked to me about before it happened and she's talked about it with me a few times afterwards. Since then, she's been using online dating apps like Tinder with very little success as she is particularly used to dating people she was already friends with. I would also like to add that although I cannot be certain; I feel relatively confident that our friendship was &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; a significant factor in their breakup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, my experience with relationships is very limited, only having dated one girl for three months in a very atypical situation. I have no idea whether or not she feels the same towards me as I've never (at least to my knowledge) have had a girl be particularly interested in me so if there were any signs that she was interested in me romantically or not, I wouldn't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also suspect she is the kind of person who, based on her personality, would be &quot;weirded&quot; out if someone had romantic feelings toward her that she did not share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, this makes things feel kind of awkward for me because I feel almost dishonest not sharing this with her but at the same time, I'm sure both of us enjoy our friendship and I wouldn't want to mess that up. It's also weird since we talk about our dating &quot;attempts&quot; with each other (mostly Tinder mishaps).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;hr&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A good friendship with consistent communication and time spent together&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Her being the ex of a good friend of mine&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Little to no indication of whether or not she's interested in a romantic relationship&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The reasonable risk that asking her out might &quot;weird&quot; her out if the feeling isn't mutual&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I feel somewhat dishonest not sharing these feelings&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask her out in a way that minimizes the risk of making our friendship weird?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that if I'm rejected that it will mostly likely makes things a bit weird, but I'm looking for a way to ask her out in a way that seems less serious/harmless so it can be brushed off or a way that implies that if she wasn't interested, that I'd be &quot;more than okay&quot; just remaining friends and coping with my own feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;hr&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Additional Clarifications&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.) As for the situation with Kyle, I'm firm on moving forward with asking Penny out regardless of his opinion on the matter. So although it may be a factor in how I ask Penny out, the question of whether or not I should ask her out BECAUSE of Kyle is not in scope. I will most likely be asking another question regarding how to tactfully deal with Kyle once I figure out whether I'm going to try to ask for permission (talking to him before asking Penny out) or forgiveness (talking to him after asking Penny out).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2.) Around the time we started talking/my feelings began to blossom into romantic feelings, Penny had discussed getting an apartment with me, although she seemed to indicate it was more of a financial/&quot;finally moving out&quot; kind of thing. It ended up not working out due to some financial issues on her end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;hr&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;sub&gt;And if there is any more information I can give about our relationship, please ask. I tried to add all the details that are relevant, but since I'm rather inexperienced with romantic relationships, I'm not aware of a lot of the subtle things that could make a difference.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T17:12:15.997" LastActivityDate="2018-12-26T17:27:54.187" Title="How do I tactfully ask a close friend out?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10713" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10654" CreationDate="2018-02-20T15:34:17.123" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Besides the all the really good general advice for pursuing relationships in general you get in other posts, I want to try to actually answer the Question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First&lt;/strong&gt; you can start by making your wishes more visible to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of asking: &lt;em&gt;what are you doing?&lt;/em&gt; ask things like: &lt;em&gt;wanna meet tonight?&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;When you are on a date, talk about when you´ll be seeing each other again and set a date right there. Don´t push or smother her though. Let a no be a no and if she´s only offers to meet next week don´t argue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second&lt;/strong&gt;, reduce the noise. By that I mean stop texting so much small talk. Make this more about coordination. If she wants to get to know you, shell have to do it in person. Reduce you availability to non-personal exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third&lt;/strong&gt; be open about your feelings - but in a positive way. Tell her you´d like do see her more often. Tell her that you are not comfortable to have deep conversations over distance communication. &lt;em&gt;(Don´t tell her you are loosing interest)&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See where that goes and give it/her some time. If you feel that it is still imbalanced after a few weeks, maybe this is not the one for you. Don´t try to &lt;em&gt;play&lt;/em&gt; her by acting extra hard-to-get etc. While this may work for a while in getting her attention it will also ensure you will not get what you really want (assuming: mutual long term partnership).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T15:34:17.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10711" CreationDate="2018-02-20T15:36:25.897" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Probably, you'd need to check in with your friend to find out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People tend to be bummed out when prior commitments prevent them from doing fun things with friends. This normally doesn't put a strain on the friendship since it's not their friends fault that they have already made plans. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask your friend if they'd be up for a visit while in the hospital. If they're up for visitors ask them if there's something that you can pick up for them. This way the four of you still get to hang out for a bit. If they don't want visitors, make sure that they're free the next time you are planning to meet up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T15:36:25.897" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10676" CreationDate="2018-02-20T15:43:06.363" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll try to take you slightly literally here. You ask: &lt;em&gt;How to get out of [their] interpersonal problems without hurting their feelings.&lt;/em&gt; You can help her but still not get involved interpersonally. As others said in the comments, she very probably needs to vent it, and you were a number one choice for her, it doesn't really matter why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First, set up your boundaries in which you feel comfortable.&lt;/strong&gt; If you don't want to get involved, the most natural boundary is that you are fine talking with her and letting her share her feelings with you, but you're not fine with any other action. Especially you are not fine doing anything, writing anyone, talking to anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide this way, then just explain this to her when you meet, the important thing is to emphasize what you feel comfortable doing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm happy to see you and open to discussing this issue. Just please &lt;strong&gt;note that do not feel &lt;em&gt;comfortable&lt;/em&gt; getting involved in this&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are high that she'll still appreciate meeting you and you'll still help her a lot emotionally. If she keeps insisting you do more, repeat yourself, moving from &quot;note that ...&quot; to &quot;please do not push me&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, this is your battle to fight and I'm not going to get actively involved, as I told you, I don't feel comfortable doing so. So please do not push me into this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this escalation does not help, remember you are always free to quit from the situation. And if she insist you get involved, it's actually a good thing not to get involved as you're younger than both of them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T15:43:06.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10711" CreationDate="2018-02-20T15:46:50.960" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a good thing that you care about Joe. It can even be better if you &lt;em&gt;show&lt;/em&gt; him that you care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, I would ask him how he's doing, if eveything's fine, and so on... The usual friendly pleasantries. Not too much, because he might want to not talk too much about the &quot;hospital thing&quot;. And if wants/needs to talk to you about the disease/illness, maybe if he would like you to visit him? This way, you show him that you care, but don't push too far, and avoid interfering with something that might be very very personal, and that he doesn't want to share/expand...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, depending on the strenght of your friendship, and how close you are to each other, you could also do some little things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a tee-shirt with a nice message to him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wear the tee-shirt at the concert.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;post some pictures of you with a dedicated message to support him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;and so on...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is close to &quot;live coverage&quot; just for him. If he sees that, he'll probably feel very warmed...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T15:56:29.280" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T15:56:29.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10712" CreationDate="2018-02-20T15:59:10.397" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;What things come down to is that you have a good relationship with this girl, and have feelings for her. She may or may not share them, although the fact that you get along so well may be an indication that she does. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question (&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask her out in a way that minimizes the risk of making our friendship weird?&lt;/strong&gt;) is difficult (if not impossible) to answer without being very familiar with your relationship, and your communication style. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, what things really come down to is that you're in limbo. You stand to lose her friendship if she rejects you, but it's also difficult to live with this secret crush weighing you down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no great way to &lt;strong&gt;minimize&lt;/strong&gt; damage to the relationship when you ask her out. The important thing is that you go though with it in a respectful manner, which does not pressure her to give a particular answer, leaves her the opportunity to gracefully reject you, as well as leaving no ambiguity between you guys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You guys seem to chat/meet up often enough. There's going to be ample opportunity for you to try and ask her out. I would advise being fairly forward about it. Make your feelings clear, and see how she reacts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking her out in a covert manner, leaves the door open to her misinterpreting your request, and leading to unpleasant complications. Being honest (&quot;I have feelings for you&quot;) is better than muddying the waters to no clear outcome (&quot;I want to hang out together more&quot;). There's lots of ways to do this, and you'll have to find a way to express this in a manner that makes sense for you / your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't do something like this:&lt;/strong&gt; I was once part of a group of friends who conspired to create a 1v1 situation between myself and a girl whom I suspected had a crush on me, but I was decidedly not interested in. Imagine my surprise when I show up at the agreed meeting spot, and texts start coming in announcing that all these other people suddenly can't make it. The girl still showed up, and we had a pretty good time. However, an awkward moment came at the end where she thought we'd just had this great &lt;strong&gt;date&lt;/strong&gt;, and expected a kiss. I decidedly ignored her hints, which lead to her not speaking to me for a good, long while. You want to avoid any such situations, and be clear as to your intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as Kyle is concerned: him being on good terms with Penny regarding their break-up does not mean that he'll be on good terms with you for making a move on her. He'll know that you guys were talking prior to them breaking up, and he'll undoubtedly wonder how much of a role your conversations played in their breaking up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T20:20:53.493" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T20:20:53.493" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10718" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10721" CreationDate="2018-02-20T16:17:10.103" Score="22" ViewCount="9113" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 18.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know why but I feel like I am competing with my ex-girlfriend (lets call her X) who dumped me around 2 years ago. It was the first relationship for both of us and I was very emotionally attached to her. Since we broke up I hit a slump in my life and entered a depression phase for 6 months or so. I then felt I had moved on, and decided to start dating again. After that I went on to  date 3 people. I never felt the same spark and always thought the relationship wouldn't work out. I ended all three of those relationships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have now finally met a girl I like (lets call her Y). I took it slow this time and really got to know her before getting into a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now about the competition bit: X got into an Ivy League College.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some reason I feel insecure about this and correlate it with me holding her back. To somehow prove her (more like my own assumption) wrong, I have started studying very hard and trying to achieve as much as I can. I do enjoy the productivity. But I hate the motive. I want to discuss this with Y and try to overcome this insecurity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the 3 girls I dated in between all pointed out that it was very irritating when I spoke about X. It also hurt them in many ways and destroyed the chance of the relationships working. I do not want this to happen with Y. I do not want her to think I am not over X and yet be able to discuss my past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I open a discussion about this topic without making my current girlfriend insecure about our relationship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12977" LastEditorUserId="9259" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T16:21:10.263" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T14:32:05.470" Title="How do I discuss a previous relationship with my girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10689" CreationDate="2018-02-20T16:39:20.550" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;See if you can convince your friend to read a book called &quot;Why We Sleep&quot; once the project is over. (Also, read it yourself! Its a great read! If you read it first, you can lend it to him if you bought it. Its also easier to say &quot;hey, I read this and it was a great read&quot; than &quot;hey, you should read this&quot;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was a chronic under-sleeper and (while I'm still not great at sleeping enough), after reading just the first chapter of the book I've made several changes to try to get more sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest myth people believe is that sleep is &quot;just sleep&quot;. Its not. Sleep does SO SO much for our bodies, psyche and emotional well being. Some random facts/stats from the book:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;6 hours of sleep per night is often referred to as &quot;sleep deprivation&quot; in the book and many studies cited use it as the sleep deprivation amount in the test groups. 8 hours is the &quot;normal&quot; amount the control groups mostly used.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;sleep deprivation causes greater emotional volatility: one night of sleep deprivation (cant remember how much deprivation) caused 60% greater emotional volatility the next day.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;sleep deprivation caused bipolar individuals who had been in a &quot;normal&quot; state (neither manic or depressive) to almost instantly spiral into a manic or depressive state.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;4 hours of sleep for 6 nights caused performance to drop to the level of someone who had been sleep deprived for 24 hours. This led to a 400% increase in &quot;micro-naps&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;6 hours of sleep for just 10 nights is also the &quot;equivalent&quot; as going 24 hours with no sleep. Signs showed that performance degradation would likely continue. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;3 nights of recovery sleep (longer than a normal weekend) was insufficient to bring performance levels back up to before the sleep deprivation occurred.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;4 hours of sleep for one night resulted in the same driving ability as someone who would be considered legally too drunk to drive in the USA. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A sleepy driver who has a micro-nap and crashes generally results in a FAR deadlier crash than even someone extremely drunk. A drunk person reacts slowly, but generally still reacts and somewhat mitigates the damage. A sleepy person does not react at all (as they are asleep in a micro-nap when these accidents happen).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I have no references for these stats/facts, but it seems that every second page in &quot;Why We Sleep&quot; has a footnote referencing a study the stats are pulled from. It is a very well researched and backed-up book.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T16:39:20.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10718" CreationDate="2018-02-20T16:39:44.673" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is, perhaps, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; a conversation you should be having with your new girlfriend. Sure, she should be the one person you can discuss anything with, and lean on for support, but it's still a fairly new relationship, and no one is going to enjoy hearing that you constantly compare your situation (and therefore your current relationship) with that of your ex. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I would focus on your own well-being. Get your house in order, and then reveal your struggle and insecurities to your partner as something that you're tackling head on, and she need not fear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you put all your eggs in one basket as far as your former relationship was concerned, and that it left you quite broken when it didn't work out. The problem is that you allowed yourself to be defined in terms of your relationship, not in terms of your own personal achievements as an individual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;And you're largely still allowing yourself to be defined in terms of your ex, and her achievements.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; You need to come to terms with the fact that things did not work out, and desire success not because you want to spite her, but because you genuinely wish to better yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would sit down, get a piece of paper, and write down:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your successes, and skills you've developed so far in life &#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;e.g. I can play the guitar quite well; I get B+ averages, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The list of personal traits that you are proud of&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;e.g. I am fit / have a good diet; I am an analytical thinker; I am open minded; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A list of things you'd like to improve on (essentially, short term goals) &#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;e.g. I'd like to learn to play X song on the guitar, which is currently beyond me; I'm overweight, I'd like to lose 30 lbs; I'd like to improve my grades to an A average, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Develop a concrete plan on how to achieve those short term goals&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;e.g. I will practice guitar for 30 minutes, 3 times a week; I will study math 30 minutes a night, every night because that's my lowest grade, and it will bring my overall average up; I will work out for 30 minutes every day, come hell or high water; etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Set a long term goal (such as getting into an Ivy league college), and see whether your short term goals are aligned with your long term goal &#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;e.g. I want to play basketball at least 2 hours every week, but my grades are not good enough to get me into [School Here]. Perhaps those 2 hours would be better spent studying; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point of this exercise is to figure out the things about yourself that you can be proud of, and to redefine your goals in terms of the things which interest you, and you wish to accomplish. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would probably also be a good idea to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;completely&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; cut your ex out of your life. Block her on social media, delete her number, etc. &lt;strong&gt;Cut off all contact.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="6009" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T06:31:12.200" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T06:31:12.200" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10722" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10725" CreationDate="2018-02-20T16:41:25.160" Score="14" ViewCount="3181" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am sorry if this is a duplicate, the closest situation I could find here is &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10570/asking-an-ex-girlfriend-out-to-coffee-now-that-shes-married-and-has-a-child&quot;&gt;this one.&lt;/a&gt; This is a bit long but given that I am not entirely sure if there was any advance to be concerned about in the first place, I think it is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Context&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was friends with &lt;em&gt;Alice&lt;/em&gt; for a couple of years back when I was in High School and we enjoyed each other's company a lot. We dated casually for a while till we eventually drifted apart because we were both young and wanted to explore other possibilities and of course, college. That was 2010. It was not a bad break up or anything, we parted on amiable terms, but as it happens, we got out of touch entirely over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only &lt;em&gt;contact&lt;/em&gt; that I have had with her since then was through mutual friends. Heard she met another guy and married about three years ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then I got a text from her a few days ago (Please note all the communication below is via social media, we both live in different cities now). I found that odd but I was happy to catch up with her. I asked her if she needed something, she replied she only wanted to see how I was doing. I asked about her new life, found out she's a mum now and dropped out of college for some reason. She asked me if I was seeing someone, I answered honestly that I wasn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;catching up&lt;/em&gt; continued well onto the next day so again, I asked her subtly that why is she contacting me after all these years. She first gave me the old &amp;quot;catching up&amp;quot; reason but later admitted that her husband was abroad for some reason and she's been feeling rather lonely. To handle that, she says, she decided to use this time to catch up with all the friends she's gotten out of touch with lately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not that I didn't enjoy talking to her again but something just felt off. Knowing her, I knew she will tell me what's wrong when she wants to. And she did, a couple of days later she told me about her marital issues, how she and her husband were drifting apart and how her husband is a suspicious/smothering kind of person. She drew parallels between me and her husband and how we are so different and he does not appreciate her at all. I listened, because well, I wasn't asked for an advice and it's not my place to meddle in her personal affairs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The breaking point was when she asked me to switch to another app. I asked why's that? She replied that she doesn't want her husband to find out that we have been talking because of his suspicious nature. I told her that if her husband is not okay with her doing that, she should not be doing that without taking him in confidence. What followed was an emotional deluge. She went into extreme details about how she is unhappy with him, how her life is crumbling apart and how she is not trying to cheat on her husband, she just wants to be heard by someone she knows who cares, who values her etc. I spent the next fifteen minutes talking her into discussing all this with her husband and reminding her if she really wants her son to grow up in a broken family (She's always had strong views on a strong traditional family). She just wouldn't stop asking me to stay in contact with her. I told her that while I can't stop her from going behind her husband's back and possibly sabotaging her marriage, I refuse to be a part of it. With that I said goodbye. I got a few calls which I did not receive and then another call the next day that she is trying to stop bothering me but it is hard for her. I told her that's because it's the right thing and that I did not wish to be in any form of contact with her if she was going to keep it a secret from her husband. And after that I did not hear from her but she sounded pretty hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I did the right thing but I still feel like I did it horribly. Of course it was going to hurt but she seemed very distressed. The ship's sailed but I'd still like to know if I could have done it in a better way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To convey to Alice that while I am not seeing anyone at the moment, I just don't feel that way about her any longer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To firmly establish that I won't get into any sort of &amp;quot;secret relation&amp;quot; with her without accusing her that she is trying to cheat on her husband given that I am not entirely sure if that's what she wanted.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As a former friend, I do have her interests at my heart and I don't want her to throw away her marriage like that. If she wants to end things with her husband, she should do precisely that instead of seeking out former romantic interests to stay in touch with her secretly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Full disclosure&lt;/strong&gt;, I am an old member of the wider Stack Exchange (Although not of this SE). The reason why I am using an anonymous account is because I don't like discussing my personal affairs like this. I can't discuss it with old friends or family because they do know her (I don't want this one moment to redefine their perception of her as a person). You can say that this anonymity is the shield I am hiding behind. I won't be upvoting this via my real account. &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12983" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T08:49:45.923" Title="How can one stop dubious advances of a married former partner without hurting them a lot?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;south-east-asia&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10712" CreationDate="2018-02-20T17:04:37.817" Score="19" Body="&lt;h3&gt;There's no guarantee that things won't be awkward.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the awkwardness after asking someone out comes from a re-contextualization of your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking someone out you will cause your relationship to be reexamined. Were you were only friends with them because you were trying to get with them? Will you treat future social engagements as between friends or as a potential date?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can reduce the recontextualization of your relationship by framing it as a query between friends. If you asked a friend to hang and they said &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; the ask and the rejection wouldn't be a big deal. If you keep your request lightweight and friendly instead of dumping a big pile of emotions on someone without warning there's less about your relationship that needs to be reexamined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be clear and unambiguous. Give them space to reject you. let them know that you're cool with them saying no. Be sure that your actions back up your words if you are rejected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't want to go on a date with you it's imperative that you handle the rejection well. Acknowledge that you may have made things awkward, express a hope that your actions haven't complicated your friendship and try not to dwell on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Try saying something like:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really enjoy hanging out with you. Would you like to go on a date? If not that's cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This expresses that you value their friendship, that you want to date them, and gives them permission to reject your advance if they don't want to date you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Don't say something like:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have strong feelings towards you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't something friends do. It's dumping your problem onto your friend. There's no way to reject the advance that isn't awkward. You're effectively saying &amp;quot;I have a problem, now deal with it.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T20:55:16.333" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10724" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10736" CreationDate="2018-02-20T17:06:37.163" Score="32" ViewCount="14775" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend's parents won't pay for outside school classes she wants to take (like singing, for example) and I really want to be able to give it to her. There is something I can afford, but she won't let me pay for her no matter how hard I tried to get her to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's really hard for me watching her parents ignoring her feelings and needs. I want to be able to supply for her and though I'm unable to pay for everything, I can pay for this particular little thing. It would make me so happy to do so. It's devastating she won't let me. How can I show her how much this means to me? How can I start a conversation about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional information&lt;/strong&gt; (as requested) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently money is an issue at her home. She is having a very hard time with the idea of &quot;taking from me&quot; even if not asked for. Apparently, it is nearly impossible for her to cope with paying with my money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her parents are really strict. They have a specific idea about her career (being a doctor) and anything that is not connected with that (e.g. singing, acting) is a privilege. Also, they really discourage her from doing stuff she likes and that is not what they like (e.g. singing, acting, dancing). &#xA;Her mother does claim she is short on money, but it seems she might have a shopping addiction, along with poor management of her own money. I wouldn't be surprised if I found she has a negative balance in the bank. She repeatedly pays for stuff she probably can't afford and even makes her daughter feel bad for being a burden. (&quot;I pay for all your stuff, the least you can do is..&quot;) &#xA;Apparently, she sometimes borrows money from her daughter (which she worked for on holidays and school vacations) and doesn't pay her back with the same excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cultural and age differences&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm almost 19 and she is 17, but she is noticeably more mature than I am. We are both from Haifa, Israel. Note that legal age is 18, so she is still legally under her parents' care. Though we are from the same place (and even the same school) the way we were raised and educated by our parents are totally different. Firstly, Israel is a pretty new country in which most of the citizens live for only 2 generations. My family is from Iraq and hers from Hungary, which is a great difference in the Israeli society. Hungarians are considered &quot;Ashkenazic&quot; and Iraqis are considered &quot;Mizrahi&quot;. It was claimed that the &quot;Mizrahi&quot; people were discriminated against by &quot;Ashkenazic&quot;, but her mother claims to accept all cultures. Though her repeated mention of my race and culture in the ears of her daughter hints otherwise... I should say that we are both (me and my girlfriend) more connected to the western culture than anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, her parents are much older than mine and are practically from a generation before my own. I was raised pretty liberally while her parents are very strict and treat her more like a property than a human being with feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12986" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2019-01-24T16:26:26.190" LastActivityDate="2019-01-24T16:26:26.190" Title="Girlfriend won't let me pay for her. How can I approach the situation?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;israel&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="6" ClosedDate="2019-01-07T19:05:25.520" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10722" CreationDate="2018-02-20T17:10:53.117" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;The distress you're feeling is only natural as a result of Alice's emotional outburst, however you've done nothing wrong, and should you ever go though a similar episode again, there's really nothing much that you should do differently. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's analyze the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've seriously drifted apart from Alice over the past 8 years (a significant time-frame). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She went out of her way to contact you, not the other way around.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She was unloading her emotional baggage on you, and you were kind enough to allow her this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She asked you to switch to a different platform, which sent your spidey-senses tingling. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you requested clarification, she broke down and told you that she wants to keep your conversations a secret from her husband, which was something that you were not comfortable with, and did not want to be a part of. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You firmly stood behind your principles, and laid down some rules for your continued interaction (aka transparency with her spouse). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She did not acquiesce to your request, and tried to make you change your mind.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You decided to cut her off, because you don't want to be involved with that sort of drama. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all this, you've done &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; wrong. You have my respect for standing on your principles, having the fortitude to withstand her emotional guilt tripping, and staying out of her marital drama.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know all the details of her relationship. It's been 8 long years, and all the info you're getting is decidedly one sided. You are not in any way responsible for her life choices, nor do you owe her any sympathy, understanding, or advice. You engaging with her over her issues, and lending her your ear was an act of generosity, not something you should feel guilt tripped into providing, especially if it makes you complicit in her hiding things from her husband.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps the only thing you may have suggested - if she really does feel like her husband is a tyrannical entity (that was unclear) - is that she contact some local resources and get out of the house while he's away. However, I feel it bears repeating that this is the sort of advice that someone far more familiar with her situation would be better positioned to give.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T17:17:19.647" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T17:17:19.647" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10726" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10724" CreationDate="2018-02-20T17:34:09.930" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your girlfriend's family issues are not something you should get involved with unless your relationship is very serious, and with her express permission. If her relationship with her parents is unhealthy (and it sounds like it might be), then that's something that she needs to tackle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if she knows that her mother is a shopping addict who literally steals from her (taking money from someone and then finding excuses not to give it back is called stealing), then she should not lend her mother any sum going forward, and let her deal with her own finances. Perhaps moving out might also be a good idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, she also needs to decide what it is that she wants to do with her life. If she wants to be a doctor, then she needs to focus her efforts, and work hard at getting good grades, and getting accepted into medical school. Singing and dancing may be nice hobbies, but does she realistically have time for them? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe, in her heart of hearts, she knows she does not, and you offering to pay for them is further pushing temptation to stray from her goals into her path. You need to analyze these things thoroughly before you try and force her to accept your seeming generosity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, you need to ask yourself how you paying for her lessons will be interpreted by not only her family, but also yours. Just how serious are you about this girl? How serious is she about you? There's some important conversations that need to be had before you start merging your finances like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest having some conversations with this girl:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How serious are the two of you? Do you want to get married?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How serious is she about wanting to be a doctor? Is that a personal goal, or just something that is being pushed on her by her parents?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;If she is serious&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; about being a doctor, does she realistically have time for singing, or acting lessons? If she &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;does not&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; want to be a doctor, what does she want to do with her life? (at least a vague plan) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you want to support her in achieving those goals? Is paying for singing lessons really a benefit to her becoming a doctor?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you really want to offer her these opportunities, for how long are you willing to pay? 10 lessons? 50? What would the &quot;contract&quot; between you two be? This can be a particularly scary topic for her. (She may fear that you will expect her to do X in return for paying for Y)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope I've outlined that there's a lot more underlying issues at play here than simply paying for singing lessons. You guys need to have a serious conversation about your lives, and relationship before you offer that sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T17:34:09.930" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10727" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10724" CreationDate="2018-02-20T18:29:50.347" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Proceeding this question with rule-book like approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please take no hard feelings if I sound blunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am assuming that you are very serious on your side of relationship and there might be two reasons for why she is not feeling comfortable using your help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She does not feel that the relationship is at the level where she can ask or accept these favours.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She feels that you can use the money in any other way rather than spending it on her. She does not want to put you in any trouble due to her invaluable wish. She underestimates her worth for you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is point 1, you have to do a lot of work. Point 2 is quite simple to approach&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution for point 1:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will be tricky. Tell her how much you love her and try to be open on your side. Then choose a day when she is in the best of her mood and ask her how much she loves you. What all she can do for you and is there any limits that she would put on your relationship. You will understand if the answer is positive for you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If it is negative please don't force your will to help on her. Give her time and show that you are still equally committed to her. Repeat this step until it is positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is positive, proceed to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution for point 2:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now here tell her how much exactly she means to you. Again use reverse examples of what she can do for you. Tell her that her happiness is everything for you. Tell her openly that you have &lt;code&gt;x$&lt;/code&gt; spare at the end of every month and that you can easily accommodate for her classes. Tell her that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if you both don't help each other, who else will? Won't you help me in something like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully this should work and make her accept your help. Ask anything if you are not content with this answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12988" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T18:40:23.797" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T18:40:23.797" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10729" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10732" CreationDate="2018-02-20T18:54:13.290" Score="54" ViewCount="37756" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's say my name is Fred. My family and friends call me that and when I introduce myself I use that name. Well, of course you can imagine that I'm registered as Frederick, but nobody calls me that. I don't like that name because I don't think it represents me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To get to the point: I met the parents of a friend the other day (important: they are very religious people), and when I introduced myself (as Fred of course) the following conversation took place:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Come again?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Fred.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: &lt;em&gt;(puzzled face)&lt;/em&gt;...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Fred.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: Were you baptized as Fred?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me &lt;em&gt;(Thinking they wanted to understand my name's origin)&lt;/em&gt;: That was Frederick.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: Ah, so I thought! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They kept calling me Frederick the rest of the evening. I understand that they may believe that I offend some saint after whom I was baptized by making my name shorter, but I think it's my right to be called whatever I like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I was wondering, is there a polite but firm way to express that I want to be called by a specific name and not a variation of it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T09:06:07.923" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T14:06:27.033" Title="How do I get someone to call me by the name I prefer?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;&lt;nickname&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10722" CreationDate="2018-02-20T19:24:22.857" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Don't help her cheat but why not let her make her own choices?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a big difference between listening to her problems and cheating. I can't tell if she was being flirtatious but it sounds to me like she was in a situation where she felt she had to put on a mask from all sides. She can't turn to anyone too close or they might feel the need to get involved or let something slip or just give away their feelings to her husband. You, a relative stranger, were the perfect sounding board where she could get things off her chest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if what she wants to get off her chest is clothing then fine, cut ties, but if she just wants to talk and feel safe that it will never get back to her husband then why not let her make that choice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if your sister came to you and made you promise that none of what you talk of would get back to her husband? There is no romantic interest there and you care for her as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say get back to her and express your desire to keep things platonic but you're still there if she needs to talk with comfort of knowing she is in control of what filters back into her life. Your conversations are a sandbox for her to explore her restrained emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you'll have stopped her advances without cutting her off from a more necessary connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: To make it clear, this isn't to point out that you have an obligation, only that she may have an innocent reason for wanting to talk. Your question asks how to stop advances without hurting them, in short this answers says &lt;strong&gt;point out you aren't interested and then, if you want, keep in touch, don't assume the only reason she is talking is to pursue a romantic attachment.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T20:07:39.863" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10689" CreationDate="2018-02-20T19:28:06.817" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I thought I should answer this, as I am somebody who has really bad insomnia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will regularly be awake at unsociable hours, but also have a day job so need to be awake during the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm awake, I may as well do something, so I often do work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Colleagues will see check-ins from me at these times and ask me bemusedly why I was awake at 3AM. What they don't always understand is that I didn't choose to be awake at 3AM, I just couldn't sleep so decided to do something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe your friend is similar? Maybe he's not choosing to stay up all night, but actually has problems with his sleep?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the case, acting as though this is a choice he has made really isn't going to help him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend mentioning that you have noticed his unusual sleeping habits, and asking if he is having trouble with his sleep. If so, you could maybe help him with this (by recommending exercise before bed, herbal tea, etc) - &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.helpguide.org/articles/sleep/insomnia-causes-and-cures.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.helpguide.org/articles/sleep/insomnia-causes-and-cures.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2756" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T19:28:06.817" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-20T19:39:04.357" Score="49" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you have the right to be more forward about it. The dialogue you had could have gone a different way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Come again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Fred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: (puzzled face)...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Fred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Were you baptized as Fred?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me (Thinking they wanted to understand my&#xA;name's origin): That was Frederick, &lt;strong&gt;but I prefer when people call me&#xA;Fred.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me (Thinking they wanted to understand my&#xA;name's origin): &lt;strong&gt;That is not how I was baptized, but I prefer when people call me Fred.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after that, people insist on calling you a different name for whatever reason, they are simply being rude or ignorant. You cannot change that, but you can reiterate your preferred name:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry to get back to it, but the name &amp;quot;Frederick&amp;quot; is really not what I am used to, please call me Fred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you can do is to make your friend introduce you to their parents by using your preferred name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, as @NaiceGuy1 commented, there are situations where the best course of action is ignoring the issue and just bearing with it. For example, if you brought up that issue few times, but it had no effect, and if you don't see these people very often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: I am not a native English speaker, so my language can be rough&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T17:59:16.217" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10712" CreationDate="2018-02-20T20:06:12.620" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I ask her out in a way that minimizes the risk of making our friendship weird?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contrary to popular belief, you can ask her out and still remain good friends if she rejects you. This is simply due to the fact that what destroys the friendship isn't asking her out, but rather making a fool of yourself when she rejects you. This worst-case scenario would unfold like so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wait for too long and catch way too much feelings. When you ask her out, you're totally lovesick. You arrange a beautifully romantic date in a secluded spot, with rose bushes and everything, perhaps you extend a trembling hand and offer a wad of love poems you wrote for her, and then you're overcome by your feelings and you become a bumbling fool, and you move in for the kiss...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the movies, she kisses you back with violins and everything. In real life, maybe she does if she's interested. However, if she's not interested and &quot;doesn't see you like that&quot; then...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The &quot;beautifully romantic date in a secluded spot&quot; is a tricky situation to get out of. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your investment puts high pressure on her. You created a situation where rejection is difficult, awkward and costly for her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you drove her there, then you will have to endure all the drive back in total awkward mode.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you start crying (because you're too lovesick, remember) and she consoles you, she will consume the entire energy of the friendship in doing so, after which it will no longer exist.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We haven't hit rock bottom yet. This would be when, the next day, you get drunk, and then a wonderful idea hits you: you're going to ask her out again! Maybe it'll work this time. You start with a long apology, then follow her in the street as she walks away, and then you insist, and then... oh yes... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your excessive feelings increase the likelihood that you will say the &lt;strong&gt;Stuff That Should Never Be Said&lt;/strong&gt;, like &lt;strong&gt;&quot;But I was so nice to you!!! Why do you reject me!!!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; which is the totally nuclear option, there is so much wrong in this sentence, she will treat you like radioactive waste for the rest of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, of course, the following week you learn than she's dating Chad from the football team, and you conclude that Chicks Dig Jerks, and that women are evil for not wanting to date you, such a... a... such a NICE GUY! In other words you cast upon yourself the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/7ykc21/i_was_the_most_kind_thoughtful_person_that_she/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;cringy curse&lt;/a&gt; of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/7yuqae/i_personally_love_the_use_of_females_like_theyre/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Nice&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/7ynjs3/i_dont_one_in_the_wild_a_response_to_the_post/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Guy&lt;/a&gt;. You die alone, bitter, and a virgin, but at least the fedora looks good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rid yourself of the fear of rejection, as it is what will cause you to create the worst case scenario above.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not fear awkwardness.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What you will say when you attempt to initiate the relationship (ie, ask her out) does not determine if she is attracted to you. Either she is already attracted to you because of looks, personality, and past behavior, or she is not. Asking her out doesn't need some magic formula or anything. &#xA;Either there is attraction or there isn't. Asking her out badly can ruin it, but it can't create attraction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Considering your current friendship, pick a low-pressure setting: you're both swiping through your favorite meat market app and showing each other matches and giggling.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;At the appropriate point, just mention &quot;hey, why don't we date each other instead of doing this?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She says yes: you score.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She stays silent and gives you the googly-eyed stare: wait five seconds and laugh it off. If you're lucky, she was actually interested and now asks you out. If you're a daring fellow, you can pile up the negs: &quot;What? I've seen you without makeup, on PMS, when you're drunk, and you haven't scared me off yet...&quot; This makes it easier for her to reject you if she wants by being crass on purpose. You're not pressuring her, remember. It conveys that you're not being truly serious, thus she won't feel like the friendship is at stake because you'd be angry if she said no. Also it's true.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She says no: you laugh it off and go back to browsing. No drama. Not fearing rejection means you don't get butthurt or whiny, and you do not exhibit Nice Guy symptoms. In fact, you exhibit your cellphone, and suggest a threesome with the girl in the picture. Everyone laughs, case closed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And then maybe she thinks about it for a day or two and then she asks you out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just compare the two scenarii. And remember, in the first one, I was too lazy to write about when she calls the cops, but it's in there somewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;sphennings&lt;/strong&gt; makes this interesting comment: &quot;Ask yourself why things are awkward after a friend is asked out? Saying &quot;I have feelings&quot; is dumping a problem onto a friend and imposing on the friendship. It has an unspoken &quot;I want you to do something about it.&quot; tacked onto the end.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my worst case scenario. In the way I propose you do it, you don't do that, instead you suggest you're a good match for each other. Don't mention you have feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T20:24:49.827" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T20:24:49.827" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-20T20:13:52.327" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this could be dealt with by simply reiterating the name you chose to go by, via subtly - but firmly - correcting them every time they mention your full name, without necessarily sounding rude. I see it as if it was similar to a situation where someone forgot your name, or have a hard time pronouncing it, or like people who formally call you by your surname:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Come again?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Fred.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: (puzzled face)...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Fred.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: Were you baptized as Fred?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You (Thinking they wanted to understand my name's origin): That was Frederick.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: Ah, so I thought! So, Frederick, how's everything going?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Everything's been great, thanks for asking! You can call me Fred, by the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist, they are being rude, not you, so it is perfectly fine to reassert it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Everything's been great, thanks for asking! Also, you can call me Fred, please.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: I heard there's this new event in town today. Are you going to attend it, Frederick?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: I'm not sure. Also please, just Fred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do this enough times where you think it might get the point across. Remember, at the end of the day it is them that are disrespecting you by deliberately disregarding your request. But of course, a broken record can only go so far. Perhaps you could address their issues with the name:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I'm not sure. Also please, just Fred.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: Well, I know we are going there. It's gonna be great, everybody's going too. You should definitely come with us, Frederick.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: I can't help but wonder, is there a particular reason as to why you can't call me Fred?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, I'd say you'll have to respond accordingly. More than likely they'll mention that it's in respect to the saint's name, to which you can respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I understand and appreciate the sentiment, but as I'm not the saint, I don't think this is fitting/necessary/appropriate for my situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If yet still they refuse to call you Fred, and assuming you don't want to push the issue further, I'd say leave it at that - as the previous answer states.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10317" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T20:13:52.327" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10724" CreationDate="2018-02-20T22:02:43.587" Score="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;People of low financial means often take money issues much more seriously than those who have money.&lt;/strong&gt; Take it from me; I grew up in a very low income household and accepting money from people, especially friends or family, has always been incredibly difficult, or at least noteworthy. To your girlfriend, your offer is much more serious than it is to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you hope to convince her to accept your gift, you must first convince her that it is not a big deal for you.&lt;/strong&gt; Arguments about how much you care about her or how important her desires, etc. are to you are not likely to be effective. Focus on what it costs &lt;em&gt;you.&lt;/em&gt; Are you sacrificing an opportunity by giving that to her? If so, what is it and why is it okay to lose that opportunity (from a personal standpoint, not weighing her needs against yours)? Be specific.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I think you ought to reconsider giving her a gift of this magnitude at this point. If you really hope to have a future with this girl, you must consider the fact that giving her an extravagant gift like this (her perspective) creates a power disparity in your relationship (both your perspective and hers). Money issues are notoriously difficult for many couples to overcome, so be careful not to create one so early on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T22:10:25.247" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T22:10:25.247" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10737" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-20T22:05:26.227" Score="0" ViewCount="386" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was afraid of allowing people in my life. Actually, I was not even looking for friendships and was pretty happy without any (So many things to do, so little time). I met someone about two years ago who showed me that friendship was more than a plot device in books and movies. I really care for her and love spending time with her, talking about stuff. I'm not an introvert and like talking with people, I just didn't want them in my life. This changed with her and I'm starting to be more open with people, now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say... I'm a bit &quot;lacking&quot; on the IPS side (trying to take a crash course through this stackexhange and reddit, but well, I have a long way to go). I have no clue if I'm overtexting (short story sized emails that get answered) her or if I'm not caring enough (went one month without talking to her). She's very patient as she knows my... limitations, but I can't always rely on her to develop my social skills. She already allowed me to make giant steps on this way (I'm still the same, altough I feel I'm a better person). I want to be here for her, I want to be a great friend to the people I like and on the other hand I don't want to scare them away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any hints I can take to know where to put that cursor ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;And before anyone asks, no, I'm not looking for a romantic relationship + I'm asexual (and old enough to be sure of it).&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12727" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T22:23:19.367" Title="Balance between caring and clinginess" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-02-21T00:24:14.610" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10737" CreationDate="2018-02-20T22:13:49.533" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everyone is different. There is no universal set of hints that will let you instantly know how much space someone needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use your words and talk to your friend. Ask them if not talking for a month is a problem. Ask them if you are overtexting. Tell them that you are new at this and unsure exactly how to strike a balance with them. Ask them what level of communication they'd ideally like to see. Tell them what level of communication you want to have in your friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two of you won't always see eye to eye, but you should be able to find a balance that works for the two of you if you start talking about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T22:13:49.533" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10737" CreationDate="2018-02-20T22:20:12.780" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer to &lt;em&gt;&quot;I have no clue whether I'm overtexting or not caring enough&quot;&lt;/em&gt; is not something I can answer easily from what I know about you and her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do is simply ask her. I believe in honesty and communication. And that is a key value in close relationships. I would probably be the hardest thing for you since you are not used to letting people into your life. What you need (and &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; be difficult for you) is to develop mental intimacy with her. You do that in baby steps - try to share your experiences and concerns with her, listen to her. I believe you wouldn't have any problem to figure out hers and yours needs and limitation in intimacy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12986" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-20T22:23:19.367" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T22:23:19.367" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1959" CreationDate="2018-02-20T22:49:46.473" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ah, the old situation: you've had a major, perspective-altering life change, and people on the other side of the invisible bubble simply don't get it. Are they simply unable to get it, would they get it if explained, or are they wilfully ignorant? A bit of each, depending on the individual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a parent but I don't find it hard to empathise. With some imagination, and reading other's experiences, I can see clearly that being a parent is a huge responsibility, and many tasks you could once do on a whim are now major inconveniences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, most people are not especially empathetic. They are overconfident. They jump to conclusions. They're not aware of their own ignorance. They think that if they were in your situation, they could easily solve all your problems. It's annoying. It's especially common amongst people in their 20s, who've achieved some success and haven't been hit with any major setbacks or responsibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I am 28 but had a major series of blows in my mid-20s that gave me a lot of perspective. Many people my age now seem ridiculously sheltered, ignorant and arrogant. I'm surprised your coworkers seem to have kept that arrogance into their 30s, but maybe it's because they're childless).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, there's no snappy one-liner you can give that will make them realise this. If you can patiently explain and give some context, some people will get it. (Some won't, no matter how much you explain. They'll keep arguing with you and trying to convince you that they could run your life much better than you can). The best short answer, as noted in another answer, is to make clear that it's your preference:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, it's another weekend playing with the kids. To be honest, once I became a parent, going out partying just wasn't as important to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whereas if you say &quot;I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to stay home with the kids&quot;, it sounds like it's a problem that's been forced on you, and people will trot out their solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's another subtext in your question that I want to comment on, however. You sounds resentful. Being a parent makes it harder to go out to parties. It shouldn't make it impossible to have hobbies or read books for pleasure. Saying that those things are &quot;childless couple things&quot; suggests that you think being a parent is incompatible with having any life of your own. If possible, you should look into fixing things so you have some &quot;me time&quot; built into your daily schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Basically, how can I tell non-parents they just don't understand, and when they are a parent they will get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might just be awkward phrasing, but it sounds like you are taking a confrontational attitude. There's this thing called &quot;non-violent communication&quot;, and one of the principles is avoiding making negative assumptions. Your coworkers are making negative assumptions about you - e.g., that you could go out if you were really organised. In turn, you are making negative assumptions about them - &quot;they just don't understand&quot;. This is a recipe for hostility. You'll have a more pleasant time if, instead of asking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I tell non-parents they just don't understand&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you ask&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I give non-parents a basic understanding of my situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12763" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T22:49:46.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10148" CreationDate="2018-02-20T23:11:57.857" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;What a situation! A seemingly casual situation, but one that's likely to lead to hostility, and most of the obvious answers have drawbacks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Forbid other kids to join in&lt;/strong&gt; You absolutely have the right to: it's your property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(By the way, I had to look up &quot;Stomp Rockets&quot;. They're pretty much what I expected: &lt;a href=&quot;http://d1jqecz1iy566e.cloudfront.net/extralarge/nd068.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://d1jqecz1iy566e.cloudfront.net/extralarge/nd068.jpg&lt;/a&gt; They look fun! And I'm not surprised other kids want to have a try).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The drawback is kids will be kids, and you could give them a go on the stomp rocket at minimal cost to yourself. So it feels mean to forbid them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Discuss with the other adults appropriate rules and times for their kids to play with the toy&lt;/strong&gt; This is the sensible solution other answers have proposed. The drawback is that it is a lot of effort on your part, and turns a fun day out in the park into work. Plus, some parents are not going to be reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just chill out and let whoever play with it&lt;/strong&gt; Life's to short to set up rules and regulations around every activity. The drawback is other parents muscling in and setting up their own schedule. (This seems incredibly entitled from your POV, but from their point of view they're just being reasonable).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an alternative solution: &lt;strong&gt;let your son take charge of who plays with his toys&lt;/strong&gt;. He can decide if he wants to let another kid play, and for how long. You'll be there to step in if some older kid tries to bully him, but aside from that, leave him to figure out his own system of turn-taking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This teaches him a few things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He's not obligated to share. He's entitled to his own things, and he's not obligated to share them with others just because the others want to play with them. (Google &quot;should you teach kids to share&quot; for more on this).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he decides to share his things, he gets to decide how they're shared out. He gets to set rules and boundaries and figure out how to enforce them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He's capable of being responsible, dealing with others, and preventing conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12763" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T23:11:57.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10619" CreationDate="2018-02-20T23:29:43.187" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It depends&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I read your question, I first assumed this was a large group of friends, maybe 10 or so. However, I notice you don't actually say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's 3, really close friends (e.g., you're a circle of friends from high school, or something like that) then it might be completely appropriate to inform them as a group somewhere relatively private. Simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have something important I want to discuss with you guys - can we meet at X's place to talk about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if it's a large group, with a mix of friends of different degrees of closeness, it's very likely a bad idea. Some will be helpful, some will find it awkward, some might not take it seriously. You could get a whole range of unhelpful reactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Discuss this with your therapist and others&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the other answer has said, this is a situation beyond the help of strangers on the internet. Talk to your therapist. Talk to family members or other friends who already know about your suicide attempt. Telling people this news will be a major shift in your relationship with them, so make use of your existing relationships for support. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12763" LastActivityDate="2018-02-20T23:29:43.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10724" CreationDate="2018-02-21T02:20:10.590" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;This might sound mean but, if she doesn't want you to pay for her things, why don't you just accept it and respect what she wants? As someone has mentioned, money imbalances can easily create power disparities in couples, and she is now in a vulnerable position. I strongly encourage you to respect her will. She will soon be 18 and able to make decisions without her parents' permission (and find a way to make her own money).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9858" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T02:20:10.590" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10718" CreationDate="2018-02-21T03:08:05.093" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two separate issues here: how to deal with your insecurities, and how to discuss former partners with current partners. I strongly believe in talking about past partners with current partners, if we feel they are part of our past and they shape the way we are, like we would talk about how we get along with our family or how, say, playing guitar, was an important part of our life and helped us be how we are now. I also strongly believe in sharing insecurities with our partners, because this is a way of being honest and showing our true selves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is entirely different from talking about former partners implying any sort of &quot;I'm not over yet&quot; or &quot;I still have feelings&quot; or comparing current and past partners, and I strongly suspect this is what made the three people you dated annoyed. Please be sincere to yourself and think if the perpetual comparison with your ex partner is because of academic achievement, or because you still hold unresolved feelings and issues. If it is a matter of unresolved feelings, you should be sincere to your current partner, and probably break up the relationship or put it in standby while you solve your feelings. If it is a matter of achievement, there is no need to compare yourself to anyone; just make clear (to yourself and to anyone who asks) what your objectives and priorities are, and work as hard as you can towards them. The better you feel about your own hard work, the less you will feel the need to compare yourself to anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9858" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T03:08:05.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10641" CreationDate="2018-02-21T04:06:00.500" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My thoughts align with Will Appleby and mickburkejnr, but I'm going to take a more hardline approach than they and others have in their answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are at your desk, in the office, during business hours? &lt;strong&gt;Yup, you're at work.&lt;/strong&gt;  If I have a problem that needs urgent fixing, and the person responsible for that fixing is in the office, I am going to ask them to fix it.  If it is really urgent, I have no problem looking over their shoulder and having them do it while I wait. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's another problem than than just you making yourself available, you are also distracting others who are working.  Food smells - &lt;em&gt;especially if you're eating a hot meal&lt;/em&gt; - internal vocalisation on news you read, scrunching up food wrapping materials etc, all contribute to decreased productivity.  &lt;a href=&quot;http://blog.sandglaz.com/the-science-behind-concentration/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Studies&lt;/a&gt; show 15 minutes of 'in-the-zone' time can be lost when concentration is broken.  This is especially the case in open plan/partitioned offices which I'm guessing you have as otherwise the solution is simply 'close the door'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you don't get interrupted by other staff, as Astralbee points out, you are still having &lt;em&gt;lunch&lt;/em&gt;, not a &lt;em&gt;lunch break&lt;/em&gt;, if you are sitting on your work chair, at your work desk, using your work computer.  For your health, it's far better to be in a different (non-work) environment when you are taking a break from work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in short, do the right thing by yourself and your colleagues.  Don't eat lunch at your desk. Just don't do it. This seems like common courtesy to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3387" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T04:06:00.500" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-21T04:46:40.027" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you owe these acquaintances the truth about how you were baptized?  Is that any of their business?  I don't think so.  Let's hit rewind.  And as soon as you've stood your ground for the third time, it's time to change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Come again?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Fred.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: &lt;em&gt;(puzzled face)&lt;/em&gt;...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Fred.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: Were you baptized as Fred?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Yes.  So tell me, how are you finding our fair city?  Have you seen the (name of landmark)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Explanation: There is a small white lie here. Meaning, in my opinion it does no one any harm, and in fact spares someone's feelings.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Variant: avoidance and changing of subject (if you are squeamish about white lies):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Come again?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Fred.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: &lt;em&gt;(puzzled face)&lt;/em&gt;...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Fred.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: Were you baptized as Fred?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: That's neither here nor there*.  So tell me, how are you finding our fair city?  Have you seen the (name of landmark)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*If they keep pushing you, keep trying to veer the conversation onto something you think they would like to talk about, e.g. &quot;Now, tell me all about (name of friend)'s baptism.  Was s/he feisty?  Did s/he cry?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: responding to a comment question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Explain why/how your approach works. Is it the lie (&quot;yes&quot;), or the change of subject?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's both.  OP showed us what happened when he responded affirmatively to the Frederick-baptism question.  So, apparently, for this couple, it is important not to fall into their trap.  But we also want to preserve the friendly atmosphere.  We can hopefully recover from any social awkwardness that may be felt by making a friendly connection with the couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that there is also the option of the sarcastic lie -- which doesn't appeal to me personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Were you baptized as Fred?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: No, I was baptized as Hannibal.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never cared for this kind of flippant humor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T02:15:40.490" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T02:15:40.490" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10750" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-21T04:54:13.320" Score="3" ViewCount="1663" Body="&lt;p&gt;While at the moment I am technically still married, I have been separated from my ex for eight months or so, with divorce pending.  In certain situations, I find myself unsure of when/if to tell others about this change in my life, and asking myself, &lt;strong&gt;When should I tell others that I'm divorced/separated?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have told some close friends and family about the situation, but there are some people with whom I am not close, that I'd prefer to not have to deal with the uncomfortable conversations that inevitably result, should I broach the subject (or should I object if they reference our marriage).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that a lot of people I interact with are aware that I have been married (10 years), and so ask questions about my ex like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How is your wife doing? What is she up to lately? Is she done with school?  Can you tell her I said hi?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, if it's a simple question referring to my &quot;wife,&quot; I just answer the question, because I just don't want to deal with any additional drama.  If I &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; to say anything like &quot;we're actually separated&quot; or &quot;we're actually in the middle of a divorce,&quot; I feel (proven out by experience) it will inevitably lead to other questions and comments that I don't want to answer, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh no, I'm so sorry!  What happened? I can't believe it! Why are you getting divorced? You guys are so great together!  Why aren't you trying to work it out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One place this happens often is at my kids' elementary school, where I volunteer frequently.  As a result, a lot of people know me, and a fair amount of people also know my ex (though she is less active than me), which frequently leads to situations like the one mentioned above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually told one guy at the school that I'm relatively good friends with about my situation and now he's repeatedly trying to convince me to get back together with her, which is not the desired experience I want to have multiplied 20 times over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem I have is that the more I perpetuate the idea that we are together, when we are not, it's essentially giving credence to a non-truth.  But do I really have to have 100 mini-therapy sessions with each person to convey the reality of the situation?  Is there any way or time to bring this up that doesn't result in many uncomfortable follow up discussions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One part of why I don't want to get into it with these people who are essentially just acquaintances is that the reason behind our divorce is due to repeated infidelity on the part of my ex, which I do not want to gossip over or potentially tarnish her reputation over.  I also obviously don't want it to reflect negatively on my children in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to the school scenario, I also have similar situations arise at work, but less frequently, and also with neighbors, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, &lt;strong&gt;I just don't know when or how to bring up our divorce to people in our lives, in order to minimize the negative impact on myself, my ex, and our children.&lt;/strong&gt;  Any help would be greatly appreciated!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13005" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T02:38:03.483" Title="When should I tell others that I'm divorced/separated?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;divorce&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-02T13:15:58.467" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10751" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10750" CreationDate="2018-02-21T05:19:38.013" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what you're really trying (or needing) to find out is actually&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I set clear boundaries, so that when I inform an acquaintance of my recent irrevocable separation from my soon-to-be ex-wife, there will be little or no attempts to persuade me to reconcile with my ex?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And for this there is no one-size-fits-all phrase or action for boundary setting.  However, I can give you one scenario as an example.  Notice the earnest tone that just &lt;em&gt;assumes&lt;/em&gt; that the listener has your best interests at heart, over sentimental or religious notions. Another key feature of my suggestion is the &lt;strong&gt;change of topic&lt;/strong&gt; after three iterations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: So, John, what news can you give me of Alice?  My wife and I were just talking about her yesterday at dinner.  We were remembering how much she likes lobster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: We've been separated for ten months now.  We're coparenting and the kids are with her every other weekend.  I know it's a bit of a shock for people who didn't know us very well, but among all our family and close friends, the consensus is that this has been a change for the better.  It's been a really healthy change for all of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The kids have been amazing. They really get the rhythm of the every-other-weekend visit.  I guess one thing that's helped has been that they actually take our dog Suzy with us when they switch houses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And what's new with you?  I remember you were taking a class last semester.  How did you like it?  Are you taking another class this semester?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now, an example of pushing back a bit if the person starts pestering you and you're uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(after the conversation already reported)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: Yeah, I finished out my course and yes, I'm taking another this semester.  It's going well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: That's good to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: Oh, man, I just can't get over what you just said about you and Carol.  Man, that kind of news can really shake up a person's  universe.  I just can't get over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: Yes, the news often triggers something in people.  I can assure you, the moral support feels really good.  But actually the best way our friends can support us is by just accepting us for who we are now.  Trying to rehash for the umpteenth time those old decisions isn't fun, especially when it comes from people I respect.  But I'm glad I had this chance to tell you our news.  I wouldn't want people to be finding out from the grapevine.  I'd rather be able to tell them our news myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, there is another approach possible -- I call it &amp;quot;come out swinging.&amp;quot; It requires forward momentum:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're separated and our divorce will be finalized next month.  The kids are fine, Alice is fine, I'm fine, and I don't want to talk about it.  Now, change of subject.  How 'bout them Yankees?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-01T23:41:34.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10722" CreationDate="2018-02-21T07:12:24.363" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am writing this answer looking mainly from your point of view and I hope some other members can give us insights from the woman's perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The breaking point was when she asked me to switch to another app. I asked why's that? She replied that she doesn't want her husband to find out that we have been talking because of his suspicious nature. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Red flag: since the husband is suspicious, your continued friendship in the form of a &lt;em&gt;covert&lt;/em&gt; interaction would  certainly have been misinterpreted as romance, even if it wasn't. With due respect to all parties concerned, the way you expressed yourself to Alice while disengaging from the interaction at this point might appear cold or selfish to &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; people, but it was technically the right way, in that you promptly and categorically told her exactly why you did not want to continue interacting with her on those terms (I mean the terms of ambiguous secrecy implied in the above extract), instead of dallying/ making excuses/ misleading/ lying to extend the interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I told her that if her husband is not okay with her doing that, she should not be doing that without taking him in confidence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are essentially telling her that you don't feel comfortable getting involved in her marital problems. You probably said it kindly enough, and with consideration for her distress, or else you can learn to express yourself softer next time. But the fact remains that you gave her your real reasons, and if she did not get you to be a sympathetic comforter in her time of trouble then it is also true you are not her brother or cousin, and as far as I can understand from your question it is not your problem, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;unless you want it to be&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. [For example, &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Travis_McGee&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Travis McGee&lt;/a&gt; makes it his business to help women in distress and punish men who physically or emotionally hurt women, but &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't have to do it if you don't want to.] You made that explicit when you had to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She just wouldn't stop asking me to stay in contact with her. I told her that while I can't stop her from going behind her husband's back and possibly sabotaging her marriage, I refuse to be a part of it (...) and that I did not wish to be in any form of contact with her if she was going to keep it a secret from her husband. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only reason you could've had to remain in contact with her after your assessment of the circumstances, and against your general principles, would have been if you hoped to somehow rekindle the old romantic relationship, &lt;em&gt;even if she didn't&lt;/em&gt;. Certain individuals would welcome the opportunity to play the role of comforter to an old flame whose marriage is '&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.in/search?q=marriage+is+%27on+the+rocks%27&amp;amp;ie=utf-8&amp;amp;oe=utf-8&amp;amp;&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;on the rocks&lt;/a&gt;', but it is generally considered exploitative and unethical to take any romantic advantage of a person in distress. It also appears that such 'sneaky' behavior goes against your personal values and possibly the cultural values of the society you live in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I spent the next fifteen minutes talking her into discussing all this with her husband and reminding her if she really wants her son to grow up in a broken family (...) As a former friend, I do have her interests at my heart and I don't want her to throw away her marriage like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your concern for the future and stability of her marriage may not match her personal reality and expectations. May I also point out that it is much more difficult to achieve the &quot;without hurting&quot; part of your objective, even if you never do or say anything that is actively hurtful. She may be disappointed or hurt just by your well justified decision to withdraw from the interaction, but getting involved with a married woman for whatever reason is a sure recipe for disaster in most parts of the world, and there really is no need to get into trouble on multiple fronts just because you might hesitate to say no for fear of hurting someone making (under the circumstances, and in her distress probably not realizing it) an unreasonable request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T08:49:45.923" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T08:49:45.923" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10756" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-21T09:31:36.240" Score="114" ViewCount="25912" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a woman and I sometimes post things online, on Stack Exchange for instance. Usually, my posts are very neutral and do not provide any hint of my gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that most people assume that I am a man since they refer to me by writing &amp;quot;he&amp;quot;. I don't take it personally and I don't feel offended at all. I'm glad enough people answer my questions!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I'd like to politely inform people who mistake me for a man that I am actually a woman. I don't want it to sound aggressive because I don't really mind and it doesn't change anything to the answer, nonetheless I think they ought to know in order, maybe, to realize that there are also women here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I let online people know I'm a woman when they're assuming I'm male, without being awkward? I'm not a native English speaker so I'm not even sure how to phrase it in a natural way (and to that extent, maybe I should have posted that question in the &lt;em&gt;English Language and Usage&lt;/em&gt; SE site).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Additional details&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Example&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is true that as a developer, I sometimes post on allegedly more masculine websites. Yet the last example I have is a question I wrote about my bathroom door that could not be closed properly (on &lt;em&gt;Lifehacks&lt;/em&gt; site). Someone commented an answer that suggested a solution implying me drilling holes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;perhaps he lives in rented accommodation and can't modify?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Completely harmless&lt;/strong&gt;, but I'm still considering informing nicely the user of their mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How about changing my user profile?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people pointed out that I could fill my profile or indicate my gender through my avatar or username. Indeed that way people would be less inclined to assume I’m a man. Nonetheless, I feel that it would just bypass the problem: I’m bothered by the fact that there are approximately half of human beings who are female and that I still should state my gender online in order not to be mistaken for a man. Moreover, I prefer gender neutral answers whenever the gender is not relevant, and the best way to get them is to have a neutral profile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13019" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T08:32:53.290" Title="How to politely notify in an online conversation that I am a woman?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-21T09:53:55.540" Score="100" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That being said, I'd like to politely inform people who mistake me for a man that I am actually a woman. I don't want it to sound aggressive because I don't really mind and it doesn't change anything to the answer, nonetheless I think they ought to know in order, maybe, to realize that there are also women here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People can never seem to figure out my gender. Part of that is perhaps slightly intentional - I'll often use a female avatar (and, on this site, even a female username) and try to keep it ambiguous.. But when it's relevant, I will sometimes state my gender (presenting as male).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming that you're getting comments like this (this example would be on an answer to a question you've asked):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;John Doe&lt;/strong&gt;: But this doesn't seem to fit into the sentence that the OP provided. Why do you say that this will help him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in my experience, the best way to correct them would be something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Trabool&lt;/strong&gt;: @JohnDoe - Actually, it's &quot;her&quot;. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you correct their use of pronouns and make it known that you're female. It's not too aggressive - just a one-line, simple correction. The emoticon, while optional, lightens the message, implying that you're not angry about it or anything - it's a way of saying &quot;no harm done&quot; in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, I've never really had this type of interaction go badly (although it will spark a &quot;oh, so why do you use that avatar?&quot; question often, that's not applicable to your situation). The other person will often just go &quot;Oh, okay! Sorry!&quot; and then you can flag the comments as no longer needed ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T08:32:53.290" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T08:32:53.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-21T10:07:08.923" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Feminine nickname&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone sees &quot;Jane.Adams&quot; or &quot;Blossom-Girl&quot; it might give a clue to us that this is probably a woman we're chatting with. This method has some drawbacks - you have to change the nickname to some other; users might not notice the nickname. And this whole approach appears a little offending to me personally because it kinda suggests that guys should have &quot;manly&quot; nicknames, and girls should not, which is a stereotype.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Direct response&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm female, by the way :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Actually, I'm a girl, sorry if I made you think otherwise. So, about this thing....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I see it, those responses do not show other people that you're offended by their mistake. Even though you personally don't have to apologize for their misinterpretation, I believe such phrasing can soften up the edges and help you both focus on the topic. And that's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some languages (e.g. Russian) masculine form is a default one. So if russian person describes some generic person like a doctor or a lawyer, they would use &quot;he&quot; all the time. This is not directly applicable to the question here, but I think it is useful information still. Besides, if you're posting on some forum about &quot;guns, hunting and fishing&quot;, please understand that 75% or more of the residents there are probably male, hence the default expectation that you're a man too :). In that case I suggest using any of the two phrases above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7715" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T10:07:08.923" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-21T10:07:26.977" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're asking a question and someone answers to you, the best way to do that would be to start the comment with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for the answer [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(and I'm female btw)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;End your message with the mention, meaning you don't care about it enough for it to be in the body of your message, feeling accentuated by the parentheses. That way, you make your reader know that you are woman, without making them feel awkward about making a mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On that note, and I'm talking from experience here, but I've never felt awkward making such mistakes on the internet, especially nowadays with the invention of 50 new genders each day (Apache combat helicopter anyone?). I don't feel that it's possible to get things right in the first time when all you have to base your judgement on is a nickname. Take note that I'm speaking a heavily gendered language (french) and am used to assume the gender of something/someone, so that may explain that lack of awkwardness, and may not apply in other cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, depending on the community you're browsing, the male/female ratio will be more or less unbalanced. On a tech site like SO, or video games communities, it'll tend to be really heavily male-dominated, so you have a better chance of guessing right by chosing male. That would be the other way around in some other kind of stereotypical communities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12313" LastEditorUserId="12313" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T15:27:27.453" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T15:27:27.453" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10764" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10718" CreationDate="2018-02-21T10:51:56.963" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to add to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10721/5504&quot;&gt;the answer by AndreiROM&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Talk to a friend about this&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. You can't talk about this with just any friend, you're looking for someone with empathic skills, but also with enough directness to disagree with you when needed. I had a time where I absolutely had to vent some of my thoughts because I was driving myself crazy and just saying them out loud made me realise a lot. I told my friend exactly that that was why I wanted to talk to him and I made sure he knew I apreciated his presence. This person should empathise with you and ask critical questions, the devils advocate if you will.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;em&gt;You should not talk about you all the time though. Don't forget to listen to the friends issues/stories, dont make this a one way relation.&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A large part of the problem is probally at your part, you need to find them and fix them. You can do this with self reflection and discussion. This discussion can also be with a professional.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;em&gt;There is a stigma that guys who need to seek help are weak, if that is holding you back, trust me: It'll improve your life.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="5504" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T14:32:05.470" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T14:32:05.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10765" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-21T11:02:36.760" Score="67" Body="&lt;p&gt;In English, and in most cultures that use English as a first language, the masculine gender has historically been the default when speaking about an unidentified person. For example, written instructions intended to be received and used by any person of any gender often refer to the user as &quot;he&quot;. Cultural changes mean this may be on the decline in formal use; although informal terms like &quot;guys&quot; which were traditionally masculine seem to be increasingly used for both genders, so who knows what will be the norm in the future. Your experience would seem to indicate that defaulting to masculine IS still the norm, and while that is the case you can only ensure you are addressed in the correct gender via one of two means:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Identify your gender from the outset&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to have to correct people you could choose to be less gender-neutral in the way you present yourself online. Your profile could display your gender, or even a photograph. I completely appreciate why individuals may not wish to do this for privacy reasons, but it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an option that cannot be ignored if your ultimate goal is for people to recognise your gender and address you correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Correct people when they address you incorrectly.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you desire to present your profile/bio/whatever in a gender-neutral way then you must expect that people will address you incorrectly at least some of the time. And I say &quot;incorrectly&quot; - but given the background information I covered above, many would argue that they are not incorrect, just using the &quot;default&quot; gender because you did not specify which you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;polite&quot; way to notify someone of your gender is simply to avoid any confrontational language, but really there is no way to be less than direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If somebody has responded to a Stack Exchange question for example, you could perhaps say:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Actually I am female, but yes I agree with your response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This two-part response acknowledges all they said that was correct, and just corrects them on your gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without any other acknowledgement of what they perhaps said in response to you may leave your correction seeming a little stark and the recipient may assume you are annoyed. They may still assume that! But saying something positive will at least soften the blow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being less direct (ie more verbose) about the correction may seem like you are softening the blow but could actually come across like it is more of a &quot;big deal&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T16:31:48.747" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T16:31:48.747" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-21T11:19:04.020" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;People will be rude about things sometimes... and sometimes you have to just put up with it. Before you just sit back and take it however I would let them know that you have a strong preference to be called Fred and would prefer not to be called Frederick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not going to give you a specific suggestion for how to do that since there are already some excellent suggestions posted. If they still insist on calling you the wrong name, then you have to make a choice. Will you set a boundary or not if this person is someone you will not be seeing often then I wouldn't bother; but since that really ticks me off, I would just start calling them names that ought to annoy them: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;e. g.: her name is Janice, everyone is calling her Janice, you call her &lt;em&gt;Jan&lt;/em&gt;, if that doesn't bother her, call her &lt;em&gt;JanJan&lt;/em&gt;, keep going till she asks you to stop; then say &quot;Sure I'd be happy to call you whatever you like as long as you afford me the same courtesy I prefer to be called Fred, Janice.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is basically a quick dirty underhanded boundary setting you are letting them understand without actually speaking up for yourself that while they can call you what they like you can do the same thing. If however you want to do the mature thing or you will be seeing them frequently then set a real boundary. Inform the offending party clearly and frankly that you are not ok with being called Frederick and that while they are free to say whatever they wish you are free to do the same and, if they continue to call you a name which you do not like, then you will do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound like manipulation but it's not; it's simply setting a boundary and letting them know there will be consequences if they cross that boundary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a better understanding of this principal, read the book &quot;Boundaries&quot; by Henry Cloud and John Townsend; it's a great book and it explains it a lot better than I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a brother who insists on being called by his middle name; he refuses to answer to any name other than the one he prefers; he will actually ignore you if you call him anything other than the name he likes. I don't recommend this...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe because he gave me so many horrid nicknames and I feel it's hypocritical of him... idk whatever as much as I personally don't like that option it certainly is another choice you have. Whatever choice you make, it's important for you to understand that when something is happening that you don't like, you have choices, you are not powerless, and even if you chose to do nothing so long as YOU have chosen it and not someone else (or more likely the fear of how others perceive you) you will be so much happier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who insist on calling you one name when you have introduced yourself as another and said it twice... well they have made a choice you can live by their decision or you can make a choice of your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13018" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T21:28:06.780" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T21:28:06.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10718" CreationDate="2018-02-21T11:23:15.177" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a general rule, never discuss previous partners with a current partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people don't want to know. We all acknowledge that our partners had previous partners, that we are not the first love in their life and they were already not virgins when we met them. (exceptions excepted)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But we don't want to know details. Love is a big illusion and part of it is that we imagine ourselves with the partner and only with the partner. One of the reasons infidelity has such a massive effect on (most) relations is that it shatters that illusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discussing previous partners has a high potential to achieve the same effect. In our minds, we know that this was in the past. Our imagination and our hearts don't have internal timelines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Buddhists advise is to focus on the present. The past is past and the future is yet to come. The only thing that is real is the present. Especially when it comes to relationships, that is sound advise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="3375" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T13:52:31.083" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T13:52:31.083" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10750" CreationDate="2018-02-21T11:52:12.787" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having been through this myself, the one piece of advice I would pass on (and this does kind of link in to my answer to your question) is this - you can pretty much determine your genuine friends from their initial response to the news. If their first question is &lt;em&gt;&quot;how are you?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; then you can tell their first concern is you; whereas the ones that ask &lt;em&gt;&quot;What happened?&lt;/em&gt; are just after the gossip*.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would use this as a basis for how much information you want to give. I understand that you don't really want to keep giving the same response over and over again, but you also do need your friends especially at this time. Telling somebody how you are right now is really not so bad, especially as this is pretty standard small-talk, as well as being subject to change on a daily basis! But you don't owe it to anybody to &quot;tell the story&quot; of how it all happened, so my advice would be to just cut short any conversation about that. True friends will understand that you don't want to talk about something painful anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;strong&gt;should you tell others that you are divorced/separated?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answer: &lt;strong&gt;As soon as possible.&lt;/strong&gt; But you don't have to go into detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone asks about your ex, just and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We're no longer together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can manage a half-smile with that statement it will show that you're not annoyed at them for mentioning her. And then respond to any follow up questions with either &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm fine&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'd rather not talk about it&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, however you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll find your true friends cut you a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of slack at this time, so while my answer does seem rather obvious I do stand by it because you may be over-thinking at this time. You will look back on the situation with a lot more clarity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*After a helpful comment that suggests this distinction may not apply in other languages I want to add that this part of my answer IS personal opinion but the point of it is to have some kind of filter on your responses rather than a blanket decision not to respond. I believe you should bring your true friends in on this, so if you don't agree with my filter then decide for yourself who deserves a detailed response and who does not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T14:35:00.203" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T14:35:00.203" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-21T13:22:37.523" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe I missed it, but I feel like the existing answers are a little too indirect, or maybe meant to be extremely inoffensive.&#xA;From my perspective though, it is never offensive to ask everybody else to call you what you want to be called. It is your identity.&#xA;I make amendments for people having trouble to pronounce my name or dear ones who have their endearing nicknames for me, but the decision who can call me a different name is mine. So I think this is a perfectly fine answer, avoiding the emphasis on baptism (which is theirs, not yours) and making your choice clear and unambiguous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My legal name is Frederick, but I prefer &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to be called Frederick. Please call me Fred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And whenever mistakes happen (and they will happen), take no offense and reiterate &quot;Please do not call me Frederick, I am Fred.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a matter of respect for a person to respect their choice of what name they identify with. And it is not offensive or disrespectful to request this basic respect for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Reading my own answer I feel like it is not totally clear what I meant: The takeaway is that I believe you need to put emphasis on the fact that you do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; want to be called Frederick. Say it as it is and instantly offer Fred as the alternative you prefer. It's not like your name is Tim but you are forcing them to pronounce Jiggeditiggedyboo every time they want to address you. You chose a perfectly appropriate and easy alternative to your full name which should be fine for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastEditorUserId="3381" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T13:27:49.497" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T13:27:49.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-21T13:25:13.993" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you say your friend is religous, you can always point out that the biblical &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Peter&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Simon&lt;/a&gt; is better known by his nickname of (Saint) &quot;Peter&quot;, or that &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_the_Apostle&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Saul of Tarsus&lt;/a&gt; is better known by his nickname of (Saint) &quot;Paul&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An alternative is give a &lt;em&gt;reason&lt;/em&gt; why you don't answer to the other name.  Often, names run in families:  I had a friend whose name was &quot;David&quot;.  As was his Father's name.  &lt;strong&gt;And&lt;/strong&gt; his paternal Grandfather's.  The father went by &quot;Dave&quot;, but my friend was generally just known by his middle name° - the different nicknames made their family gatherings easier, but if anyone actually addressed him as &quot;David&quot; he just automatically assumed that they were talking to/about someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'd prefer they called you Fred so that you didn't accidentally ignore them when they were trying to get your attention!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;°&lt;em&gt;Well, actually, he was known by a shortened form of his middle-name.  So...  &quot;Call me Fred&quot;  &quot;Were you baptised as 'Fred'?&quot;  &quot;No, I was baptised as 'Arthur'&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13039" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T13:25:13.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10773" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="161" CreationDate="2018-02-21T13:31:45.487" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tend to use sarcasm a lot. Also, I text a lot. Merging the two can be... difficult to navigate. Fortunately, there exists a well-established (though not that well-known) &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony_punctuation&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;group of characters for that&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Among my friends we've always used (!) and (?). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony_punctuation#Other_typography&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Rhetorical questions in some informal situations can use a bracketed&#xA;  question mark, e.g., &quot;Oh, really[?]&quot;. The equivalent for an ironic or&#xA;  sarcastic statement would be a bracketed exclamation mark, e.g., &quot;Oh,&#xA;  really[!]&quot;. Subtitles, such as in Teletext, sometimes use an&#xA;  exclamation mark within brackets or parentheses to mark sarcasm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everyone knows it, of course, but I've observed that those who see the character for the first time quickly get the meaning and happily adopt it. YMMV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11415" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T13:31:45.487" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-21T13:32:21.800" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Correct them, every time. Be stubborn but polite. Never let it slide. As they become more insistent, become more recalcitrant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Why should you not let it slide?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By continuing to call you by a name that you are uncomfortable with they are telling you that their opinion about your name is worth more that your own, which is highly disrespectful, and no-one should every have to put up with that - even if someone does have authority over you (such as a boss).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this were an occasional, accidental misnaming it would be understandable, and forgiveable, but a sustained, deliberate misnaming like this is at best incredibly rude and at worst cruel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone objects to your constant corrections, or tells you that they are getting tiresome, you can tell them that being misnamed became tiresome long ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;What should you say?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was a kid everyone who knew us understood that they should come to the back door of the house when visiting. Anyone who broke that rule was told with a smile &quot;Only the Queen gets to use the front door&quot;, and no-one ever needed to be told twice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, my response would probably be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't call me Frederick, I prefer to be called Fred. Only the Queen and my parents when they're angry&lt;sup&gt;&amp;dagger;&lt;/sup&gt; are allowed to call me Frederick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People outside of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commonwealth_of_Nations&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Commonwealth&lt;/a&gt; could change &lt;em&gt;Queen&lt;/em&gt; to &lt;em&gt;President&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;Prime Minister&lt;/em&gt;, anyone who is highly unlikely to ever address you in any case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are a religious, and don't believe bringing religion into it will inflame the situation, you could substitute &lt;em&gt;The Pope&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;Jesus&lt;/em&gt; or another icon of &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; faith. You could even invoke &lt;em&gt;Richard Dawkins&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;Stephen Hawking&lt;/em&gt; if you are atheist. *8')&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&amp;dagger;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Who here hasn't been called by their full name by a parent or guardian who wanted you to know they were being deadly serious? *8')&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7001" LastEditorUserId="7001" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T15:34:17.430" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T15:34:17.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10776" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-21T14:00:46.110" Score="2" ViewCount="923" Body="&lt;p&gt;DISCLAIMER: The following is not meant to endorse any racist or offensive behaviour ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently I came across some articles of a well-know multiplayer videogame, where it is possible to read that a lot of players from other countries have become exasperated with the presence on their &lt;em&gt;regional servers&lt;/em&gt; of people coming from a particular abroad region. Leaving aside all the rants about cheaters/hackers, I would like to ask about another aspect of the fact: while I do realize that teamplay with people who cannot even speak English (I'm no English-speaker native speaker either) can be &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; hard and sometimes frustrating, I also do realize that it's a &lt;em&gt;videogame&lt;/em&gt;, therefore I mostly let these guys have their fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm talking about team games&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is possible to not let people in and fill empty team slots, but these non-English-speakers leave the team open anyway&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No communication leads to a somewhat frustrating game for everyone&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Having less people in your team than the other makes the game much more difficult&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is very possible that them not speaking English is a cultural problem (not being able to attend to a language course for example) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They join a &lt;em&gt;regional&lt;/em&gt; server, whose region is far from theirs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make them aware that the presence of people not speaking an international language results in a worse experience? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3408" LastEditorUserId="3408" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T11:12:52.257" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T17:32:53.537" Title="How to gently make non-English speakers aware that their lack of communication makes a multiplayer videogame frustrating for all?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;netiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-21T14:35:22.023" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn’t a full answer, but I’d like to point out a few nuances that I feel the other answers miss, that come from my own experiences as a woman on the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally don’t like the idea of having to change my presentation (username/avatar) in order to be recognised as a woman. To me it would make me feel even more of an ‘other’ and reinforces the idea that anything generic = male, and that there’s nothing to be done about that. It also makes it my responsibility to premediate someone else’s presumption, which does not really get at the heart of the issue. I see from your edit that you wish to avoid that as well, so we’ll leave that option out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, although it’s important to be polite, you definitely don’t need to apologise. It’s not your fault. Moreover, women stereotypically have a hard time being assertive, and apologising unnecessarily is something I like to avoid for this reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also avoid smileys, because just as there are some people who believe that expressing your gender is attention-seeking behaviour (as was expressed in another answer, which is now deleted) there are some people who think it’s a good idea to start flirting with you now that they have realised you are a woman. (This comes from my own experience, and many similar stories I’ve heard.) Since a winky face is often considered flirtatious, I’d just avoid it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all that in mind, I think it is polite enough to simply correct them, and avoid it coming across as abrupt by adding some other statement recognising their answer in some way. I think the second part of Astralbee’s answer is a good example of this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2244" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T14:35:22.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10779" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-21T14:55:33.410" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Repeating other answers here a bit, but ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you have 5 choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use a user name or icon that indicates you are a woman. Some men use pictures of woman as their icon, but few use a female name, and if they do, they're probably playing games anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Specify that you are female in your profile. Depending what site we're talking about, there may or may not be profiles or a way to say your sex. In any case, most of the time users won't look at your profile before posting.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mention in your post that you are a woman. If this is relevant to your question or comment, like if you are taking about dating or medical issues or role of women in society or some such, it can be quite natural to say, &quot;I am a woman and ...&quot; or &quot;As a woman, how do I ...&quot; If it's not particularly relevant, if you're asking about particle physics or ancient history or whatever, and it just annoys you to have responses refer to you as &quot;he&quot;, you could always end with a parenthetical, &quot;(I'm a woman, by the way, please refer to me as &quot;she&quot;)&quot;. But this does seem awkward and irrelevant.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The first time someone refers to you as &quot;he&quot;, include in your response a comment like, &quot;(I'm a 'she', by the way)&quot;. I'd be surprised if anyone found this rude or distracting.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do nothing. Let them refer to you as &quot;he&quot;. If you're not looking for a date, who cares?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a few times that I've posted on a site that was predominantly frequented by women -- a site on parenting comes to mind -- and I've said in my post, &quot;As a man ...&quot; or some such just to avoid any confusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a few times that someone has referred to me as &quot;she&quot; in a reply to a post of mine. (Did something I say sound feminine? Oh no, now I must struggle with affirming my masculinity! ...) I don't think it's ever been particularly relevant. Sometimes I just ignore it, sometimes I say, &quot;(I'm a 'he' by the way)&quot; or some such. The only time I recall making a point of it was when someone was making all sorts of assumptions about my demographic background, &quot;You must be a young person with no experience in life to think that way&quot; when really I'm 59, made a comment about how I must have a low IQ when actually I was in Mensa, and referred to me as &quot;she&quot; when I'm a man. So I made a little fun of all his wrong guesses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T14:55:33.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10780" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-21T15:03:29.600" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm frequently in a similar situation, as the name my fiancé knows me by (and prefers) is not my birth name, which has made our wedding preparations a bit more complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the people that question your name and ask for a different, &amp;quot;proper&amp;quot; one believe they have a right to do so, either because&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The name does not seem to fit the expected cultural background and is perceived as &amp;quot;out of place&amp;quot; or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They believe that names not assigned by a (worldly or religious) authority lack legitimacy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In essence, it conflicts with their idea of what is &lt;em&gt;proper&lt;/em&gt; or, in some cases, with what they view as fact (more on that later), based on whatever authority they follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Case 1: They mean no slight&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some are simply more comfortable with the familiar, and reject anything out of the ordinary out of habit. For a few people, this includes nicknames. They might also just be very curious. People in this category can often be convinced by giving them a narrative of the name's origin or why it's your chosen name. We've often had to tell people&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I was named after a Russian woman my parents met when they were&#xA;pregnant.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;No, I'm not Irish, but I'm in a Folk band and we met at a festival.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They need a reason to leave their comfort zone, and by offering an explanation, you help them overcome cognitive dissonance and at the same time create associations that might make it easier to remember an unusual (for them) name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Older folks might also perceive not telling them your birth name as dishonest or impolite. In this case, a simple&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My birth name is Frederick, but no one calls me that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;might do the trick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Case 2: They believe they know better&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've met some conservative people (very common in civil servants, where the idea is reinforced by their job requirements and culture) that didn't differentiate between the letter of the law (again, worldly or religious) and physical reality. If (the correct) someone printed &lt;em&gt;your name&lt;/em&gt; on a piece of paper, that &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; your name, and to disagree was to state an obvious falsehood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, people like that do not change, and they know no middle ground. Your best bet is to not even offer them an alternative to the name you gave them, or failing that, remind them, every time, that what they are calling you is not what you want to be called, and if they do not stop, &lt;strong&gt;point out&lt;/strong&gt; that they are being &lt;strong&gt;deliberately impolite&lt;/strong&gt; and ask them why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Finding out which is which&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your description, I'm not sure which category your friend's parents fall under. You might not know either. When in doubt, I always assume case 1 and progress &amp;quot;down the ladder&amp;quot; from offering an anecdote, to asking them politely, to confronting them (in a factual, not an accusational tone) with your view of their actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they agree to use your preferred name, great. If they outright refuse, well, they've made their stance clear and you know where you stand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7365" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T15:10:33.147" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10782" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10785" CreationDate="2018-02-21T15:23:13.507" Score="15" ViewCount="8389" Body="&lt;p&gt;See &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10712/how-do-i-tactfully-ask-a-close-friend-out&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; for more context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I plan on asking my friend Penny out. However, the tricky part of this situation is that Penny and my good friend Kyle dated for about a year. They broke up two months ago on good terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I developed romantic feelings for Penny around three months ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to ask Kyle's &quot;permission&quot; to ask Penny out because I believe that although they broke up on relatively good terms that Kyle &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; be spiteful and attempt to muddle things up. So instead, I plan on presenting him a fait accompli after asking Penny out if things work out with her. I want to ask for his &quot;forgiveness&quot; after the fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to hurt Kyle and I know that most likely this &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; hurt him in some way. I want to minimize the damage because I do consider him a very close friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friendship with Kyle is casual in the sense that we never really talk about feelings/issues in our lives. It's mostly a friendship based on a mutual interest in technology and gaming, so conversations about relationships and especially something &quot;dramatic&quot; like this aren't something we're used to talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I ask for his &quot;forgiveness&quot; if things go well with Penny?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would appreciate knowing...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What tone to approach the conversation with&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Phrases/words are helpful/detrimental to helping him understand/cope&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How to deal with potential aggression/other emotional outbursts&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm firm in my decision to use the &quot;forgiveness&quot; tactic. Also, I would expect Kyle to have the maturity level of an adult because he is one&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: I have not asked Penny out yet. I just want to be prepared to have this conversation if/when the time comes.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; Although this isn't necessary, I'll try to provide a little more reasoning why I decided to go with the &quot;forgiveness&quot; route over the &quot;permission&quot; route. I'm a very anxious person. It's already hard enough for me to ask a girl out and I don't need someone potentially psyching me out of it. Kyle is my good friend, but given his feelings he might not be totally accepting of this situation which could easily make it impossible for me to ask her out. I know logically and emotionally that I want to ask her out, but in a way I have weak conviction. I want to set myself up for success with Penny and hearing my friend being upset about a decision that I personally find healthy and beneficial for me would make it a lot harder. I also have no idea if the feeling is mutual and would rather have my attempt go unheard if nothing happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT2:&lt;/strong&gt; A little more clarification. Although Kyle obviously could misinterpret things, Penny has told me exactly why they broke up (lack of communication, Kyle's apathy, and other such things) and he knows as well. In fact, I had suggested that they have a bit of a &quot;postmortem&quot; together to be honest and share more about what went wrong in a civil manner. They're both aware of why it happened and although it wasn't mutual they both ended up staying good friends. I understand Kyle may misinterpret my advances as &quot;Wait, did we break up because of X, Y, Z or was it Steve?&quot;, but given how much honesty they've given each other, I doubt (although it &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; happen) he will think that I was involved (because I wasn't).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T15:05:26.240" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T20:44:04.360" Title="How do I ask for &quot;forgiveness&quot; after asking a good friend's ex out?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10783" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-21T15:23:54.800" Score="15" ViewCount="2225" Body="&lt;p&gt;I moved to a new country (Canada) for university about a year ago. I am doing well in my studies. I'm not so well mentally but that's always been an issue even back home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents often come to visit and want to stay for about 2-3 months (which is a whole semester). Recently, my parents found out about my recent trips to the hospital because of suicide attempts from my land-lady (which I believe is way out of line). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad came out of nowhere during my academic term and it messed up that term for me since he wanted to 'spend time' and didn't realize that academic terms are so busy, especially if you're in science or math. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my mom is here and she is staying for 3 months. I'm on a co-op term right now. I don't enjoy my parent's company when they are here because they question and hate everything I do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am transgender so I started taking hormones about 7 months ago without telling them. They completely disapprove that and blame my suicidal tendencies because of it. They also blame my mental health issues on the fact I am not religious enough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom hates it when I hang out with my friends or stay out late (which I do on the daily when she is not there). Recently, I got a haircut and I love it but, my mom looks at me with disdain and says that she hates it and would love it if I grew out my hair (to be feminine). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tell her it's time for her to go home and whenever she asks for a reason I tell her that I do not like it whenever they are here because they control my life. I am 21 btw. She still asks for a 'proper' reason and I tell her the same thing. She refuses to acknowledge that she is controlling my life and uses the old line &quot;you're still a baby to us.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She wants to visit again in August but them coming here is driving me nuts to the point where I had a mental breakdown in public and tried to kill myself last week and ended up in the hospital. She does not know about that recent incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; How do I explain it to them that I really don't like it when they're here and it makes me more mentally upset when they are?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other details:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in a basement which has 2 rooms. I sleep in the lounge/kitchen area on a couch. I do that even when they are not there. Since there are empty rooms they sleep there, on the bed or mattress. &#xA;They travel all the way from Pakistan, they do not live here. My family follows Islam. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They pay for my tuition. I am earning right now which pays off my books, medication and leisure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12853" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T18:23:06.987" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T12:44:12.593" Title="How do I tell my parents I don't enjoy their company?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10784" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-21T15:25:01.013" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to talk less about the polite way of correcting, and more about the psychology of why this happens, and how important correcting them is to you in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I show you half of a picture, the human brain is incredibly adept at telling you what the rest of the picture more or less should look like.  In cases where that's not necessarily accurate because it is either intentionally misleading or your concept was flawed from the beginning, adjustments to the original will be harder to accept for some people more so than others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a very visual memory, and a memory that is very much tied to numbers.  If you rattle off a 10 digit number, I'll likely remember it tomorrow unless my brain was in &quot;this information isn't important&quot; mode.  Don't ask me to remember your name 30 seconds after we meet though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason this is important to your question is because my brain is constantly creating a mental image of people I talk to online.  In the absence of actual information, it will just start to make it up.  Where there's any ambiguity, I will pick option a or b and continue to paint a picture with the information I have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's some really good reading to refresh, or introduce you to the duck vs rabbit phenomenon here: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.spring.org.uk/2012/01/duckrabbit-illusion-provides-a-simple-test-of-creativity.php&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.spring.org.uk/2012/01/duckrabbit-illusion-provides-a-simple-test-of-creativity.php&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I think that's important is because it is easier for some people to &quot;change&quot; their initial notion, or image 'auto-complete' if you will than it is for others.  That correlates more to how their brain works than how socially aware they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the specific advice is have is to simply continue to give them more information to correct and adapt their mental image.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;perhaps he lives in rented accommodation and can't modify?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the answers here suggest a really direct approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;perhaps he lives in rented accommodation and can't modify?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;Actually it's 'she', and yes, my accommodation is rented.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though it seems a little more awkward, you could try this instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;perhaps he lives in rented accommodation and can't modify?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;She does in fact live in rented accommodation, and further, I was hoping to not have to spend extra money on painting when I move in December&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The latter may not always work, but depending on how set someone's mental image is, the former may not either.  I would absolutely recommend the more direct approach if you suspect the incorrect assumption was sexist, but in cases where you simply didn't provide the information and they chose what their brain thought was the most likely option, I'd say go with the second where it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T15:25:01.013" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10782" CreationDate="2018-02-21T15:32:42.217" Score="30" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Kyle, I am going to tell you something because I don't want you to be blindsided by it when you find out. Penny and I have begun dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You get the fact out there, you don't have to ask his permission, and you are being a good a friend as you can by making sure he hears it from you first and doesn't feel like you were keeping a secret about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he asks when that started, I'd say however many days ago the date was. &quot;Yesterday.&quot; I'd say a situation presented itself, she considered herself single, so you asked her, because you like her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make excuses or apologies, and don't discuss &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; relationship with Penny, and cut short any attempt by him to talk about that relationship. If there is anything he thinks is &quot;wrong&quot; with her, you'd rather find out for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may lose his friendship anyway; some people will feel betrayed by this no matter how they find out. But this way, you avoid higher drama about keeping this a secret for months and basically lying to your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="5504" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T21:11:14.043" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T21:11:14.043" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10786" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10724" CreationDate="2018-02-21T15:33:46.000" Score="-4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Setting aside the dysfunctional relationship with her parents or finances.  If you want to pay for a class for her why don't you sign her up pay for it and give it to her as a present make a fake gift certificate with all the information on it and in small print on the bottom simply write non-refundable.  You can give the gift for any little reason.  As a gift you are avoiding the give/borrow money issue and since it is a gift and already done she will be very likely to accept it.  If you look on line you can see hundred of examples of creative gift certificates people have made. Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13055" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T15:33:46.000" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10787" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-21T15:49:23.263" Score="2" ViewCount="376" Body="&lt;p&gt;A group of my friends and I were sitting in our classroom waiting for the teacher to get there and start class. Two of my friends, Jim and Maddie, were talking to each other (and they were about the only ones talking in a group of seven so it’s not like I was eavesdropping). They haven’t talked much at all before and so they were going through the basic questions, what do you like to read, how many siblings do you have, etc. They got to the siblings question and Maddie asked Jim how many siblings he had. He said, “Eight ... nine.” After a brief moment for the humor of not counting your siblings because there’s so many he explained that, “Yeah, one of my brothers, he died.” And she said, “Oh.” And he said, “but we still count him.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I didn’t catch, “died” but from the syllable spaces available in his speech I’m going to guess that he said “died”. He said it without much emotion and didn’t look effected by it afterwards, like it was a fact he’s said many times before. I know this can be an extremely sensitive topic, but knowing that his brother died brings up more questions for me. Like how old was Jim when this happened? Was he even alive? (He’s the youngest of the nine and the oldest is 20 years older than him, so that is very much a possibility.) How/why did his brother die? How old was he when he died?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; I haven’t run into many people with deceased immediate family, just Jim, another friend (who I didn’t ask any questions) and myself. My twin died when we were three days old, so I never knew her, which means it never affected me. She never had a face and a personality, so it’s kind of just a fact to me, though a fact I treat with respect. So I have very little experience in this area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ve known Jim for six months, and I would say we are friends, and not just friends because of circumstance or that we’re in the same place. Still, I’m not sure how to ask these questions or even if it would be appropriate. Depending how old Jim was when his brother died, he could have varying degrees of his own emotional connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We do get to talk one-on-one when nobody else is around, but that usually lasts a max of 10 minutes. We also talk one-on-one when there are other people around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that these questions are very hard to ask and can be very hard to answer, especially if the topic is not brought up by the person who it happened to. But I feel like it will give me a better understanding of his life and the things that might have had a role in shaping his character. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;How should I approach asking these questions? Is it even ok to ask for facts about such a sensitive topic? Should I resign myself to just not knowing?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other Info That Might Be Useful&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Jim is 16 years old and I’m female and a year older.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you are familiar with the Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator, Jim is &lt;strong&gt;E&lt;/strong&gt;xtroverted &lt;strong&gt;T&lt;/strong&gt;hinking. I just thought those two letters might be helpful. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please let me know if there is any other information I can provide that would help people answer my questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11873" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T05:24:00.917" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T05:24:00.917" Title="How to/Should I ask a friend about their close relative who died (not recently)?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10789" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10782" CreationDate="2018-02-21T15:57:50.977" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I highly recommend that you go and tell your friend before going out with his ex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you don't ask permission, at least let him know. This will be easier for you to explain as well as not creating any problems in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are good friends, you need not worry. If you are not that good friends, just tell him that you like Penny and just wanted to let him know.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though if you still want to tell him afterwards,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey man, I want to apologize to you... I have broken the Bro Code (be sad here, he will probably laugh at your seriousness). And it's serious, will you forgive me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(he: oi no drama, stop acting serious, tell me the problem).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went out with Penny on a date, yesterday. (pause, if he shouts at you and leave the room, trust me it is better, if only pause...) ...and I think i have developed feelings for her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(here he should ask how long has this been happening - downscale everything and tell him, it will be good--- But if he stays silent and tries to leave, tell him:) this all is a coincidence and has nothing to do with your fight. And trust me I am not being used against you, never will be used against you...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There can be silence or mild discussion or maybe heated argument at this point, you will have to figure out the rest by yourself. Only don't stress any point now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rest depends on the psychology of your friend. Try to spend more time with your friend circle than with Penny for the next week or so...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully he will get acquainted and it will go back to normal. Ask in comments if you want some more answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12988" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T21:26:32.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10782" CreationDate="2018-02-21T15:58:33.300" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Good thinking to be prepared. If you've decided to tell him after the fact...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be upfront&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be prepared for an angry reaction&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maintain your composure&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge and validate his feelings (you say he is a good friend, after all)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to hide what's happening&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Expect him to forgive you immediately (let alone be happy for you)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him he's wrong to be upset&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a time when the two of you can have a conversation. A quiet casual dinner wasn't the worst place to do it, but pick somewhere that you are free to leave whenever (so you/Kyle don't feel trapped, and can leave whenever the conversation indicates).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give him the short version first: &quot;Kyle, I wanted to let you know that Penny and I are dating.&quot; You want to sound respectful of his feelings, but not apologetic for your own actions (which would imply you &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; think you did something wrong).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let his reaction guide whatever else you say. He may want more information (e.g. when did this start?) - he may not - he may storm out. Even if he reacts emotionally, stay calm yourself. Raising your voice or responding with anger will only feed into the feeling that this is an attack on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may be concerned that you're going to learn intimate or otherwise private details about him via his relationship with Penny. If you and Penny have any ground rules regarding that, this is a good time to let him know and address those concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My experience:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was &quot;Kyle&quot; in a situation like this. &quot;Steve&quot; asked me to dinner, which was fairly unusual in the first place, and given how dodgy they'd been lately when &quot;Penny&quot; was mentioned, I had a good guess what was up. They waited until the end of dinner to actually spit it out though, after I started saying &quot;well, good catching up, I should probably get going because work tomorrow...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Steve&quot; finally told me then, and I was &lt;em&gt;angry&lt;/em&gt;. My thought process was: I knew they had been hiding it from me, which meant they knew I'd be upset by it, which meant since they did it anyways without talking to me about it, they must not care about me. &quot;Steve's&quot; reaction was to berate me for being upset and remind me that I didn't get a say in who either of them dated. Technically true, yes, but only drove home the feeling that &quot;Steve&quot; didn't actually care how I felt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried for months to talk it out with &quot;Steve&quot;, thinking &quot;maybe they just don't understand why this hurts me?&quot; All I wanted was for them to actually reach out to me and acknowledge that I was hurt and upset by how they handled this. But they never did, and we are no longer on speaking terms. &lt;em&gt;Don't be that Steve!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize this might sound a bit dire, but in the best-case scenario where he reacts fine, you can just breathe a sigh of relief and move on with your usual friendship. Just be mindful that - especially with the timelines - he may not have fully processed the breakup yet and may need some space and time to get used to the idea of you two dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T21:32:23.970" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T21:32:23.970" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10783" CreationDate="2018-02-21T15:58:38.680" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like there's a couple things going on here...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents aren't respecting your transition/gender. And they're not respecting your time and space. It may be a bit easier to separate these issues and focus on the time/space problem if they're openly phobic for religious reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that's a crap position to be in, and really crap to have to focus on the time and space problem, but it may help to be pragmatic...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Framing it as a:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't come for such long visits, I really appreciate your interest, but I need to focus on my studies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Will probably go over better than:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't come for such long visits, you're triggering dysphoria and literally driving me crazy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again I know it sucks to have to address it this way. Just trying to get to the desired outcome with a little less friction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond all that, if you haven't already, try to find yourself a solid support system. A &quot;chosen family&quot; can make the awkwardness and crappiness with your bio-family a little easier to deal with. Having people to turn to when your parents are driving you crazy will help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you're able, cutting financial ties can make things much easier. I don't know your situation, but if your parents are paying for your education and/or housing you end up being somewhat stuck with them. Once you're financially independent it's a lot easier to firm up boundaries and simply tell them that they can't drop in uninvited. This was the real reason that my friend celebrated after graduation, she no longer &lt;em&gt;had to&lt;/em&gt; put up with her mother's misgendering, dead-naming, and boundary crossing. She was finally free to fully assert herself when her mother could no longer pull strings financially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always remember that these are temporary problems, they're very real problems and I know it's awful, but they're temporary. It gets easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T15:58:38.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10787" CreationDate="2018-02-21T16:31:02.187" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask him more about his family, what do they like to do, that kind of things. If he wants to talk about his deceased brother then he will tell you about it himself. When he starts telling you about his deceased brother it is the proper time to start to ask questions about it. Asking things like this out of the blue will probably harm the relationship with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal opinion&lt;/strong&gt;: I understand that you want to know more about him, his family and deceased brother. However I think you should not ask him at all about this (or be really subtle about it). When he wants to talk about it that's fine, however it will easily make him talk about things he actually does not want to talk about. This is also why I advice to talk about his family in general instead of his brother. If he does not start talking about the subject, it would be best for your relationship with him to drop the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that if he really wants to talk about it with you, he will pick up the subject himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T18:17:06.020" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T18:17:06.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10782" CreationDate="2018-02-21T16:55:18.423" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friend is going to find out you're dating their ex sooner or later. You're going to be able to manage the message better of you are the one telling them instead of them finding out through a third party. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easier to keep it friendly if you &quot;ask&quot; in advance. If you say something like &quot;How would you feel about me asking your ex out?&quot; or &quot;So I'm thinking of asking your ex out.&quot; you are explicitly not asking for permission but are still keeping your friend in the loop. One thing to consider is that you may be complicating things unnecessarily if their ex rejects you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you inform them after the fact. Framing it in a friendly manner becomes harder since you made this decision without talking to them. Remember you aren't asking, you are informing. Tell your friend &quot;Yesterday I asked your ex out on a date. They said yes.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your real concern should be how they will respond. Remember that there isn't a magic set of words that will guarantee a positive response. If they respond poorly be civil, respect the validity of their feelings, and remind them that while they may feel upset they don't have any claim on who their ex chooses to date. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T16:55:18.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1567" CreationDate="2018-02-21T16:56:07.953" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a track record.  Use that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had this problem with a relative once, and I said something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Last time you borrowed money from me it took way longer than we agreed for you to pay it back.  It put me in the position of having to nag you, which created tension for both of us.  Our relationship is too important to have that kind of tension and resentment, so no I can't lend you money this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By talking about the past delays &lt;em&gt;and the effects it had on you&lt;/em&gt;, you convey that it's better for &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of you to not get into that situation again.  It also leaves open the possibility that he could change your answer &lt;em&gt;in the future&lt;/em&gt; by fixing his behavior -- if the track record is no longer so negative, you might be more open to lending.  Even if you personally aren't, if he improves that he might find it easier to borrow in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know where this comes from, but I long ago learned a &quot;formula&quot; for giving negative feedback like this to people you're close to: &quot;when you do X I feel Y&quot;.  This approach lets you talk about effects -- the Y -- rather than just the behavior (X).  What I said here is a modified form of that approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T16:56:07.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10795" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-21T17:04:51.057" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two tricks that can be employed in some cases:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the nature of your question permits, you could work in a mention of something that someone said to or about you and have the feminine pronoun in it.  Some people will still miss it, but most will consciously or subconsciously absorb the implication.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the masculine pronoun appears in an answer (not a comment) you can edit it yourself.  Some people will see that it has been edited and look to see the changes.  Others will just see the corrected pronoun and consciously or subconsciously absorb the implication.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what you do (even if your user ID is “Diana” and your photo quite feminine), there will always be a percentage that miss it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="416" LastEditorUserId="416" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T00:23:00.833" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T00:23:00.833" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-21T17:18:09.453" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your intention is to inform people they made a mistake, better don't, unless it's relevant. Some people are literally trained to make this mistake: e.g. consider &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grammatical_gender#Gender_in_personal_names&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Spanish&lt;/a&gt;, where 89% feminine nouns and feminine 98% given names end with &quot;a&quot;, no wonder &quot;Trabool&quot; sounds like a masculine name to them. Letting it go is really as polite as it gets, at the expense of you having to tolerate the wrong pronouns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next level would be to give people more clues, so that they will be less likely to make it. Of course, it doesn't have to be a full collection of sexist stereotypes crammed into your nickname+avatar (btw., don't bother specifying your gender in the profile, nobody will look there). Something as discreet as a nickname ending in &quot;a&quot; or &quot;e&quot; would work for most languages and cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if the gender is relevant to the question you're asking, state it explicitly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your intention is to make a statement about people abusing masculine pronouns, there's no other way than keeping correcting people who assume you're a guy. Regular tips for non-confrontational discussion apply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't be rude&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't assume bad intentions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't suggest people should have known which pronoun to pick&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't ask rhetorical or semi-rhetorical questions, e.g. &quot;what makes you think I'm a guy?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastEditorUserId="3211" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T17:20:28.160" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T17:20:28.160" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10799" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10803" CreationDate="2018-02-21T18:18:57.880" Score="58" ViewCount="16724" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live with my mother, my grandmother and my cousin, who is also an atheist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a feeling for a couple of years that I should let my mother and my family know that I no longer believe in God, but I haven't done so because I feel that this would cause some discomfort between me and my mother and other relatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This week my mother asked me to go with her to church, I refused saying that there was no reason for me to go, this ended with her leaving and me dressing and going after her to church. I met her when the mass finished and she said that if I was going to go anyway I should have done it without fighting first and hurting her (I agree). Now I think that I refused to go hoping that she would notice I disagree with her beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've decided I need to tell her explicitly that I don't believe in God anymore but I don't know how I'm gonna do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is that she accepts and hopefully respects this, I'd have no problem going to church with her once in a while once she acknowledges it. Obviously I don't intend to disrespect her or her beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most of my family are catholic except for one of my uncles who changed his religion to that of his wife's many years ago but he is still a believer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I started doubting about the existence of God when I was 17 or so, now I'm 22 and I'm convinced God doesn't exist.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Religion is very important for my family.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see many people have asked about my expectations of doing this and my motives for doing it. I believe that me becoming an atheist is an important topic that sooner or later will be revealed to my family, either I'll tell them or they'll find out by others. Most of my friends know I'm atheist, plenty of them are too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my cousins who is also atheist has come up with the topic once or twice and my mother just says something like &quot;don't speak like that&quot; or &quot;what kind of talking is that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What worries me is that as a mother she probably will be worried about me, my soul, my future and that sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2737" LastEditorUserId="3090" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T19:47:40.723" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T19:49:01.460" Title="How do I tell my mother that I'm an atheist?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;mexico&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10724" CreationDate="2018-02-21T18:23:52.630" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pulling out some key parts of your question (in order):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her parents are really strict. They have a specific idea about her career (being a doctor) and anything that is not connected with that (e.g. singing, acting) is a privilege.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, they really discourage her from doing stuff she likes and that is not what they like (e.g. singing, acting, dancing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She... even makes her daughter feel bad for being a burden. (&amp;quot;I pay for all your stuff, the least you can do is..&amp;quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently, she sometimes borrows money from her daughter (which she worked for on holidays and school vacations) and doesn't pay her back with the same excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are the most important points for understanding her feelings.&#xA;&lt;em&gt;The only people in her life that give her money use it as a tool to manipulate her, a weapon make her feel bad, and/or an excuse to take away everything she works for.&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Of course she doesn't want your money.&lt;/strong&gt; It's a trap that has already caused her a lot of grief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, but your money isn't a trap?&#xA;Then &lt;em&gt;you will have to convince her that it truly is a gift&lt;/em&gt; - no strings attached. Not a favor, not a perk of being your girlfriend, just a gift that you will enjoy giving.&#xA;Would you want the money back if you broke up a month after paying for this class? Would you bring the money up if you had an argument?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what, I advise caution in how you proceed.&#xA;If you put too much pressure on her to accept, then you've taken her parents manipulation to a worse level - using the promise of money as a tool to coerce her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As for how to actually convince her that it truly is a gift, I recommend honesty, since you're asking for trust, and honesty builds trust most surely.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1758" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T18:23:52.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10787" CreationDate="2018-02-21T18:28:50.867" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have transformed Jim from &quot;someone in my class I've known for 6 months and don't know much about&quot; into &quot;that guy whose brother died.&quot; It seems like he might be the first person you've ever met who has lost a relative. You have so many questions! You're curious! That's cool. But when you decide that your curiosity is entitled to answers, you cross the line to nosy. As for &quot;it will give me a better understanding of his life and the things that might have had a role in shaping his character&quot;, unless you're his therapist or are about to marry him, this is a completely spurious reason. I doubt you are suddenly gripped with a need to know the things that had roles in shaping the characters of all your other friends, are you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jim clearly shows no hesitation in mentioning his brother when it's relevant. So I suggest you let Jim continue to be a whole person - a person with hobbies, fave TV shows, fave foods, siblings, parents, things he likes to read and so on. Just talk to him the way you always have. Don't ask him things for no other reason than your own curiosity. Talk to him. Just be friends and chat as everyone does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is likely to mention the brother again at some point. When he does, start with a piece of information about yourself (eg &quot;wow, I never met anyone before who had a sibling that died&quot;) before asking &lt;strong&gt;one&lt;/strong&gt; question (eg &quot;how old were you?&quot; or &quot;what happened to him?&quot;). You will know by his response how he feels about it -- short little half sentences mean &quot;I don't want to be rude, so I'm answering you, but I don't want to be grilled on this&quot;. If he seems to want to talk about it, and you're enjoying learning about it, then cool, it's just like him explaining curling or knitting or something and telling you about the time he won a contest, but do keep in mind that it's not just that, because it's something that may be very painful for him. Avoiding that pain is more important than satisfying the idle curiosity of a friend, even a very close friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T18:28:50.867" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-21T18:31:43.470" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being honest and forward with telling her is the way to go while avoiding undermining her religious views.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, I'm an atheist. It's nothing against you or the rest of our family; I just don't believe in God anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that can really help the situation is mentioning how being a part of her religion has been helpful. As someone who was also raised Catholic and now consider myself agnostic, even I can see the value that going to church as a child has given me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could add something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That doesn't mean I don't want to go to church with you. I've learned a lot at church that has helped me develop into the person I am today. It has helped me develop a strong moral code which I still live by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;didn't&lt;/em&gt; learn anything like that from church, you could simply mention that you enjoy spending time as a family even if it's at church.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also like to say that you should mention that you don't feel comfortable taking part in the more ritualistic parts of her religion like taking communion. Some people consider it offensive to take part in those kind of rituals without being a part of the religion but others might not care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T18:31:43.470" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-21T18:42:17.960" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's good that you're being careful and sensitive about this. As a Christian myself I can say that there is no easy way to go about the topic. If a family member told me that they didn't believe in God anymore, I would be devastated. No matter how you go about it, it will be a huge shock and your mother will need time to process and come to terms with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, it's best just to take time to sit down with her and simply tell her that you're an atheist and why. Do everything in your power to answer any questions and concerns she might have, then give her time, as much support as you can provide, and possibly some space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You sound convinced about your position, so I wouldn't wait too long. This won't get any easier if you wait to talk to her about it, and it could very easily get harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13068" LastEditorUserId="13068" LastEditDate="2018-02-21T18:47:28.003" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T18:47:28.003" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10689" CreationDate="2018-02-21T19:00:20.877" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Approaching a person on such a topic is highly dependent on the type of person you are dealing with. A person with a superman attitude who thinks that nothing is going to happen, will do the all nighters no matter what anyone says because they have earlier been in good health, and their youth has helped them recover easily from strain on the body. Even the little signs of deteriorating health (which slowly become permanent) will be ignored by them. It is medically known that &lt;a href=&quot;http://nrecursions.blogspot.in/2016/12/able-to-sleep-only-for-four-hours-at.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;sleep problems cause stomach problems and stomach problems cause sleep problems&lt;/a&gt;. Both of these end up messing up the body completely.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend is less than 26 years old, the chances of recovery from such strain is good. So the person is very unlikely to listen to you if you approach the person directly on the subject. My advice would be either to let go of the matter and let the person find out for himself in due course of time. If you really want to help though, get more senior persons who have been through such problems, indirectly bring up the topic in front of your friend, where they aren't advising him, but simply talking about the health problems they had due to lack of sleep. Hopefully, your friend will link their symptoms with his and the knowledge of how the problem could escalate in a few years, will knock some sense into his head. If your friend naturally has &lt;a href=&quot;http://nrecursions.blogspot.in/2014/11/ophthalmology-has-long-way-to-go.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;polyphasic sleep&lt;/a&gt; though, then there's nothing much to worry about.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I know? I was like your friend. I suffered for 3 years, and now 6 years later, I have still not recovered fully from chronic eye strain. I've been advising people ever since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4738" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T19:00:20.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-21T20:09:31.043" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are asking &quot;How can I tell her and have her be okay with it&quot;, the answer is likely &quot;You can't.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's best to just tell her straightforwardly that you have thought about it a lot, and concluded that you don't believe in God.  What you also need to do is tell her that you are willing to talk more about how you feel if she wants to &lt;strong&gt;listen&lt;/strong&gt;, but that otherwise, you don't want to talk about it; you don't want to argue about it, you definitely will not put up with being lectured about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then if she starts, tell her &quot;Mom, I&quot;m not discussing it&quot;.  And if she persists, walk away.  You can't let her, or anyone else in the family, get away with disrespecting you by haranguing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T20:09:31.043" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10807" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-21T20:37:18.310" Score="18" ViewCount="1543" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cultural Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I come from a highly conservative country which follows Islam. According to cultural and I think religious perceptions, being transgender is not okay at all! Having to do anything with the LGBT+ is even in some situations illegal and there is virtually no community support. Such people usually live in hiding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;School Atmosphere and Effects:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I go to an all girls school (even though I identify as male). I recently got a haircut Ever since I got a boy cut, everyone in my school spreads vicious rumours about me (mostly the claims that I am a lesbian, have no boundaries and grope people). I got physically bullied as well. All these rumours are in no way true, I have one best friend and he knows everything about me (he goes to the same school and is also trans female to male). This has affected my self-esteem greatly and prevents me from doing more for my school such as extracurricular.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Treatment by Teachers:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My teachers are treating me differently now as well. I do really well at school, I get A's and the occasional B's. Once my teacher gave a lecture of how being transgender is against our religion. Another time, I had this teacher who would make my best friend sit somewhere else because I was 'disturbing' him. I am actually a very quiet child and pay attention in class. My academics matter a lot to me so I wouldn't engage in such behavior. The same teacher called a meeting with my best friend's mother and told her that he should keep away from me as I am a bad influence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't understand why she is treating me like this even though I do extremely well in her class. Before my haircut, all these teachers were civil and I was usually the class favourite. Now, most these teachers isolate me from the class and even my friends by calling in their parents. I actually lost a group of friends because of this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, my best friend is still my best friend and supports me no matter what as I support him. We've been best friends for 5 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; How do I make this teacher stop bullying me, given that my school environment cannot provide any support to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12433" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T03:25:27.683" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T23:51:18.037" Title="How to deal with a teacher who bullies me?" Tags="&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10808" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10829" CreationDate="2018-02-21T20:50:02.337" Score="3" ViewCount="3000" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I have shared an apartment together for several months now. We get along great for the most part, however, there are things about her past that I find concerning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Early on in our relationship, she told me too much about the numerous one night stands that she had while in college. I know that this type of behavior is common for many college students, but the amount of these encounters that she had is troubling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially these stories didn't bother me, but the thought of them started to weigh on my mind as our relationship grew. In my mind, this reflects poorly on her character. The details of these encounters has made trusting her difficult, as I see that she would be more likely to cheat in a relationship. I have never felt this way in any other relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have tried to talk about her past several times, but each time, she becomes emotional, and my concerns go unaddressed, mostly because she thinks that I want to leave her because of her past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't explicitly tell her that I have trust issues. Instead, I talk about how much the thought of these encounters weigh on my mind. These conversations have done nothing but cause additional stress for the both of us. Although she says that she regrets the things she did in the past, she continues to bring these events up from time to time despite the way they make me feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love her and want to work through these problems, but I just can't help feel that she is not the person who I think she is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I bring about a serious conversation about her past, and communicate to her that bringing up these experiences from her past makes me uncomfortable, without her becoming emotional, and leaving my concerns unaddressed? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; I appreciate the time and effort everyone has put into helping me deal with this issue. I now regret asking this question in such a public space. Several of you have helped me see how foolish this concern really is. I will come to terms with this on my own and never bother her with it again. I care too much for her to let this small matter stand in the way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for taking the time to talk some sense into me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13065" LastEditorUserId="13065" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T14:09:44.537" LastActivityDate="2019-01-02T09:59:17.050" Title="Trust issues with live-in girlfriend" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-21T21:25:17.463" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Frederick was my grandfather.  Call me Fred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you have shifted the framing from them being tricky, to both you being reverent to elders, and also offering to make your bond a little closer by being more colloquial.  That's hard to argue with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Substitute relative's name if needed, they need not be real but it helps. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you can deflect any inadvertent (read: pushy) calls of Frederick with &quot;I doubt he will; he passed four years ago.&quot;  Now you've shifted the other person into the awkward position of not knowing whether he needs to give condolance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T21:25:17.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10807" CreationDate="2018-02-21T21:26:59.627" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I recently got a haircut. Ever since I got a boy-cut, everyone in my school spreads vicious rumours about me (...) I got physically bullied as well (...) Before my haircut, all these teachers were civil and I was usually the class favourite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that the short haircut was interpreted as an open rebellion against  conservative cultural  values, especially in the context of your preferred gender identity, and led to overt discrimination and bullying. It is possible that the teacher did not have an evil intention to bully or victimize you but the so-called &quot;corrective action&quot; to traditionalize you was misguidedly applied too heavily by an authority figure who believes too  strongly in orthodox values and considers it her duty to &quot;bring you to the correct path.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that the legal, social and cultural background is unfavorable for lgbt persons, the only option you have at the moment is to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;make an attempt to talk to the teacher personally and convince her to be less harsh on you, if you feel that the teacher could be sympathetic or at least fair-minded, and would not create trouble for you after hearing about your issues&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; -- sometimes a frank and honest one-to-one talk, such as recommended by more than one answer to another 'teacher' related &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3095/how-can-i-get-more-co-operation-from-a-teacher-who-discourages-a-student-from-as&quot;&gt;question&lt;/a&gt;, can work because the teacher might recognize your individuality and humanity, and realize that she has been bullying you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it is an all girls school and the teacher is a woman, there is some scope for discussion of your problem. You could request a one-to-one meeting with the teacher and frankly and honestly point out that you feel bullied by her, giving instances to support your point. It has to be done very respectfully and submissively but if the teacher did it without meaning to victimize, as is very possible with well meaning &quot;corrective&quot; action by authority figures in conservative societies, you might get a heavy dose of corrective advice but the bullying would stop, even if the teacher never supports your point of view. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can even take a decision not to reveal your preferred gender identity in such a conversation, if you think it would be dangerous or counterproductive to do so.&lt;/strong&gt; You can instead simply focus on expressing your perception of being bullied, and request the teacher to treat you more fairly and less harshly: however, as a cultural compromise you may need to abandon the short haircut in return. This is not admitting defeat but 'playing smart to get what you want' till you acquire more educational power and economic independence that will eventually allow you to express yourself in the ways you really prefer. Until then the very realistic advice given in @AndreiROM's &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10807/how-to-deal-with-a-teacher-who-bullies-me#comment42785_10807&quot;&gt;comment&lt;/a&gt; is worth keeping in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;when you're in an environment where non-conformity has real, very serious, and potentially dangerous consequences, you should try to conform - at least until you're old enough to get away from that environment. Unless your parents support you, and move away such that you're in a more tolerant environment, your best bet is to blend in as much as possible. Once you're legally an adult you may wish to move to a more tolerant region, or country. Until then - realistically - keep your head down. – &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/7425/andreirom&quot;&gt;AndreiROM&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T03:23:25.417" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T03:23:25.417" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10813" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-21T21:46:14.307" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you say you're 22, presumably you're old enough to make up your own mind about such questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This depends a lot on your mother's personality. As we don't know her, it would be hard for us to say. You say that religion is important to her, so I'm guessing that means that telling her you have rejected her religion is unlikely to result in her simply saying, &quot;Oh really? Whatever.&quot; The question is whether she will accept it, make a determined effort to convert you back, throw you out of the house, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a Fundamentalist Christian and when my daughter told me that my son had become an atheist -- they're both adults and no longer live with me -- my reaction was basically &quot;yeah, not a surprise, that's been coming for a long time&quot;. Frankly I feel a little guilty that I've done pretty much nothing about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I don't know how your mother will react, it's possible that you don't really know either. You may be guessing wrong about her likely reaction. How does your mother deal with your atheist cousin? That would presumably be a clue to how she'd react to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you live with your mother et al. If it's her house, then even as an adult you have to respect her rules. Of course she can't force you to believe as she does, but if she doesn't want you putting atheist posters up in the living room or some such, if it's her house, etc. If she insists you go to church with her, you should go, out of courtesy and respect. If it's too difficult to get along, you may need to find your own place to live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T21:46:14.307" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2802" CreationDate="2018-02-21T22:18:30.270" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;To add an alternative answer in amplification of the &quot;it depends&quot; tone of some of the answers given above - some groups of people will not like it. Whether that is likely with the group you deal with is something you are better able to judge than we may be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, for example, I am rather older than the 18 - 44 demographic and I am also a British English speaker. When I grew up &quot;guys&quot; carried a fairly strong male tone. While language evolves, it is hard for me to be addressed as a &quot;guy&quot; and not feel gendered in a way that I might not with another term (someone in my dialect 20 years younger than I am might have said &quot;peeps&quot; for instance).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I rather dislike it. I suspect that is more likely a feeling to be shared by people not in the core dialect group for &quot;guy&quot; as gender neutral (others have suggested a US usage) or older people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As always this is a matter of judgment. It is clear that many do hear it in a gender neutral way. I would still suggest thinking about something which doesn't appear odd to anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3497" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T22:18:30.270" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10808" CreationDate="2018-02-21T22:42:18.220" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty sure that your girlfriend is aware that you are uncomfortable when she brings up her sexual history. This seems like a conversation you've had many times before unproductively. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be able to talk about insecurities with a partner you need to know what you are actually trying to say. Ask yourself are you asking for a change in their behavior, are you wanting them to acknowledge the validity of your feelings, or are you just wanting them to give you space to vent. Remember that your insecurities are your problem. Your partner isn't responsible for making you feel better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use non accusatory language when talking about your concerns. &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;I statements&lt;/a&gt; are a powerful tool here. In a nutshell they are statements of the form:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel X, when Y. I would like Z. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These statements place the responsibility of your feelings on yourself instead of placing your girlfriend on the defensive. In your case this would look something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel insecure, when you talk about your sexual history. I would like it if you talked about it less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's highly probable that part of the reason your girlfriend is so defensive about having these conversations is because they have gone so poorly in the past. It's probably a good idea to acknowledge this at the start. If you have a goal going into the conversation it will be easier to keep the conversation from getting derailed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T22:42:18.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10808" CreationDate="2018-02-21T23:18:20.510" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, few separate questions that I see here. I don't think that they will make good separate IPS@StackExchange questions, but just trying to unwrap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;she continues to bring these events up from time to time despite the way they make me feel&quot; -- &lt;strong&gt;How to tell partner i don't want to hear about her past sexual life anymore?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I don't explicitly tell her that I have trust issues. Instead, I talk about how much the thought of these encounters weigh on my mind.&quot; -- &lt;strong&gt;How to communicate my worries to partner without being explicit?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;In my mind, this reflects poorly on her character. The details of these encounters has made trusting her difficult&quot; -- &lt;strong&gt;I worry that partner with rich sex past will cheat on me&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you think about these as separate issues, as some of them are actually interpersonal problems (1&amp;amp;2) while other (3) might be your personal problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting with (3). You should figure for yourself whether this is rational worry or not. If your partner told you many stories about cheating in committed relationships, then your concern might be well-founded. If you equate having multiple partners with proclivity to infidelity, then you might be wrong in your assumptions. Maybe what you are really concerned with is &quot;her experience&quot; with other people, that she might perhaps compare them to you. That is a separate problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Number (2) is also solvable. You cannot expect partner to understand you when you are not being open. You have to use careful words and tell how you feel, in order to communicate properly. @sphennings addressed this point in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10816/11991&quot;&gt;other answer&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same goes to (1). Follow &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10816/11991&quot;&gt;good advice of @sphennings&lt;/a&gt; and be straight:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am really bothered by you bringing your past life for no particular reason. I an really interested in us and what is happening right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, maybe there is a reason, your partner tells you about her past. This might be important to her, as she is trying to communicate something else. You should listen carefully and without judgement to figure that out. Maybe she &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; comparing you to previous partners, trying to change your life. Then you might add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can tell me if there is something you'd like to change in our relationship, but please don't use your previous partners as examples that makes me really uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastActivityDate="2018-02-21T23:18:20.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10724" CreationDate="2018-02-22T02:03:18.643" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see you already have an answer, and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10736/7001&quot;&gt;I completely agree with BlackThorn&lt;/a&gt;, but let me add something as a fellow Israeli. Your GF is 17, that means 11th grade? In two years she will be in the army. Free. Making her own choices, financially and otherwise. What she does with her military service is her choice - her parents can't affect what she writes in her Manilla, nor what she says on interviews. That part of her life would not, cannot, include them. There's no threat her parents would able to hold over her head anymore - the army would pay her, feed her, clothe her. If she doesn't wish to live with her parents during military service, that can be done - through the Mashakit Tash. (I don't think situation coming to that would make anyone happy, but it's important to know the option exists. It's liberating to have choices.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The army is a very empowering experience. Being an adult, being treated as an adult, doing something that's real and important and your responsibility - it's big.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to have a relationship with my parents not too different from what you describe your GF has with hers: my parents too had a very clear idea of what I should do with my life, paid only for what they thought I should have, reminded me of the fact that they're paying, and I'm not bringing anything into the household. It's a cultural thing. As a soldier, I was able to say &quot;I'm an adult, I make my own choices. I'd rather you accept my choices, but I won't change my decisions if you don't. You do not decide things for me anymore.&quot; Military service changed both how I saw myself, and how my parents saw me. Even how my grandparents saw me. There wasn't even an argument - I've changed the dynamics, and that was it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime (since waiting isn't the most pleasant thing to do), does your GF's school offer arts, theatre, or music classes (for Bagrut)? Any reason why she shouldn't take that? If that's not possible, her parents clearly want her to have a good Bagrut, right? (Since you say they want her to be a doctor?) That's something she should do, whatever career she wants to pursue later. Good grades open doors: she'd get more choices of where to serve in the army, it would be easier for her to get a scholarship if she decides to go for any kind of higher education, it will look good in her CV. She's in a hard situation, certainly, but she can at least make the best of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something else your GF can try to do is involve a teacher she trusts, get the teacher to talk to her parents about what she wants to do with her life. An adult in professional capacity might not be dismissed as easily as someone &quot;young and inexperienced&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this works out, for both of you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastEditorUserId="7001" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T11:12:16.040" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T11:12:16.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10808" CreationDate="2018-02-22T04:30:56.133" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Anxiety doesn't have to be rational.  Even if there's no objective basis for mistrust, based on current behavior, you might still feel anxious that she might be unfaithful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, even if there are no objective grounds for her to be afraid that you might end the relationship, nevertheless, she might feel anxious about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often, the key to these sorts of stalemates is for each party to &lt;strong&gt;understand that the other person is feeling anxious.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some ideas that might help you get a bit unstuck:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try writing a letter to get the conversation started&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use I-messages, e.g., &quot;I feel anxious.  I value our relationship and I'm terrified of losing it.  I don't know what I would do if you were to lose interest in me.  I suffer from irrational fears about you and other men.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps invite a close friend that both of you trust to model active listening (this might help your partner hold it together)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try varying the location of your tête-à-têtes (but bring plenty of kleenex, and a piece of fruit as a pick-me-up towards the end of the conversation)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could try to brainstorm to see if there are any concrete things she could do to help you manage your anxiety -- and vice versa&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try using a friend as a confidante, and experiment with the idea that not all thoughts and feelings need to be shared with the partner&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try different self-care ideas to see what helps you manage your anxiety (exercise? yoga?  reading a potboiler?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There can be some lack of confidence in just how long-term the relationship will be, in situations where the arrangement is a bit loosely defined (e.g. &quot;moving in together&quot;).  On the other hand, having a more formal agreement in place, recognized by family and society, doesn't necessarily remove the anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you two are able to achieve empathy for each other's anxiety by talking to each other on your own, great.  You could try listening to Esther Perel -- she's got a book and a podcast and she's been interviewed on Fresh Air and elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are still stuck and find that you need a third party who can help both parties hear what the other is saying, you would not be unusual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T04:30:56.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-22T05:10:08.770" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two aspects to this, and you need to see that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first part of religion is faith. Understand that making you lie or pretend on this is a form of oppression. In many parts of the world you can be killed for stating that you are an atheist, in more civilized parts you might be shunned, or something inbetween, but the base principle is the same and it is oppression and you have every right to stand up to it and state your belief or lack of such freely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second part of religion is customs and traditions. While they are mixed with faith, almost every christian tradition specifically is actually based on an older non-christian tradition. For the purpose of family or social activity, you can absolutely take part in these traditions without sharing the majority faith. Many atheists happily celebrate christmas, some call it by its original local names (mostly solistice-related) but many just say &quot;christmas&quot; and don't mean anything. Interestingly, renaming these things &quot;winter celebration&quot; or whatever the PC word is was never an atheist idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that said, you seem to have your head on the right way by saying that you don't mind accompanying your mother to church sometimes. But you messed up trying to dance on two parties at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your family, no matter how important religion is, cannot force you to believe. Take a stand. Don't cover it with sugar, and don't phrase it in believer terms, e.g. &quot;lost my faith&quot;, &quot;doubted&quot; - nonsense. The idea of god doesn't make sense to you, that's it. When communicating that to sensitive people, your duty is to not hurt or insult them, but it is &lt;strong&gt;their&lt;/strong&gt; job to come to terms with what you said, not yours. They are adults, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start with something positive and respectful to get that out of the way immediately. Something like: &quot;Mother, I respect your faith and devotion to your god.&quot; - the added &quot;your&quot; is a first warning shot, but you clearly address the deep fear of every religious person - that you are going to attack their faith - immediately. With that out of the way, you can add in whatever words best fits your feelings that you don't share that faith. Then (sandwich-technique: good-bad-good) add that you will be happy to accompany her to church sometimes and celebrate the various holidays for the sake of tradition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;End with a request, ask that she shows the same respect to your worldview as you show to hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fair warning: This might still fail. People are often irrational about things like religion, sex or politics. Even the best communication might not work out. If you cannot afford a conflict (e.g. you live at home with no income of your own) you might decide that survival is more important than honesty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="3375" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T09:40:17.857" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T09:40:17.857" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-22T08:06:10.103" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talk to atheists who have come out to their parents. Many will be more than happy to help. They can discuss the pros and cons, do's and don'ts. Some people come out and then go on to have good relations with their families, some get ostracized.  Contact &lt;a href=&quot;https://atheist-community.org/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Atheist Community of Austin&lt;/a&gt;.  They are smart and friendly people. They have been there, done that. They have a lot of experience. You can also call in to their talk show, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.atheist-experience.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Atheist Experience&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11359" LastEditorUserId="11359" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T21:48:36.710" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T21:48:36.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-22T08:15:56.327" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell her: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mum, I really don't believe in God any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;the same way you would tell her that you don't believe in the tooth fairy or the Easter bunny (assuming you don't still believe in those). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should open up a conversation, and then you can explain why and whatever else in a civil manner. If she is not open to conversation or discussion, then that isn't really your concern - at least you are not hiding what you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being dishonest about how you feel, simply to cater to your impression of your mother's feelings, is the best way to actually hurt her feelings in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming from a Roman Catholic upbringing, I went through a similar process as what you are going through. However, I was only 18 when I approached my mother to discuss it with her. I simply stated that I no longer believed in the Church (which is a spurious organization in any case), that the Bible is essentially a very popular collection of fairy-tales and that in my mind, God doesn't exist in the manner portrayed by the Catholics. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't imagine that a conversation / discussion like this will be easy. Although, if you approach it with conviction, it will all work out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T08:15:56.327" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10829" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10808" CreationDate="2018-02-22T09:50:08.370" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in the same situation as you in the past, and unfortunately we didn't continue together...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you are asking the wrong question, or you wrongly described the problem. Here the question is (paraphrased)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do I do about the fact that I’m grossed out by my new girlfriend’s sexual history?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I stop picturing her having sex with others?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do I do with my jealousy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I think you should just get over it. Seriously. Suck it up and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wouldn’t want to be judged based on your sexual history, would you? Like, picture meeting the love of your life, the first person who really made you excited about being a person — and then imagine how you would feel if she dumped you after finding out you had a threesome with two strangers at a trashy party one time. Wouldn’t that feel like kind of a disproportionate reaction? Yeah, it would. It would be totally unreasonable. So don’t do that to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's best not to dwell on the past openly, if you're gonna dwell at least do it alone and don't bring it up to her because it seems like when you do bring it up to her, you gonna lose her.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Listen, you said she has told you she regrets it. You bringing it up and handling it the way you do only makes it worse for her. If you keep treating her that way, she will leave. It happened to me.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Just realize what you got such as I did. I love my girlfriend so much, and I hope you love yours. With that being said, don't let the negative thoughts take over your life or ruin a beautiful thing. You have that gold medal that the last guys failed to get.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T13:35:52.397" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T13:35:52.397" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-22T10:30:06.897" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually lived this very same situation 2 years ago. I´m going to tell you my experience and how it went. Much like you I wanted to tell my parents about this, but knew they would be devastated (I was 21 at the time and had been a christian in their eyes all my life). I had been an atheist for 3 years and many fights had ensued when I refused going to church, so I decided to come out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no easy way to do it, and your mother is going to get hurt but I think you should sit her down, in a time when neither of you are in a rush, and tell her: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Mom there´s something I´ve been wanting to tell you. I´m no longer a chistian, I´m an atheist.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From here on you could tell her why if she asks, but that really depends on her character. My parents weren´t actually that surprised, although they were really hurt, and only my father asked me some questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, it was a great decision for me. Although I think they still hope I convert back some day, they don´t look distressed or even ask me questions about it. Our relationship hasn´t changed a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps, good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13099" LastEditorUserId="8092" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T15:03:08.933" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T15:03:08.933" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10831" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-22T10:35:33.747" Score="19" ViewCount="5549" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently got some feedback that people have the impression that when they talk to me, I am not listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, when starting a conversation with people, I acknowledge them with something like 'yeah, what about it/what is it?', or I respond to people calling my name with 'yeah, that's me, what's up?'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, as the conversation progresses, often people start talking more and for longer periods of time. I've always been told not to interrupt people, so when this happens I just wait until I get the impression they are done talking/making their point and then try to answer their question/keep the conversation going otherwise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When being told something funny, I smile, when it's something disgusting/disturbing I'm sure my facial expression changes as well. But apparently, for a substantial number of people, I give the impression of zoning out when having long talks, even when I try to maintain eye contact without staring (which I was also told is a good thing). I nod to answer rhetorical questions. As for my posture, depends a bit on who I'm talking with and when, I do sit up when at work, but it's also during conversations with friends when we're all being couch potatoes and slouching...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Are there any ways I can non-verbally communicate to people that yes, I am still paying attention to what they're telling me?&lt;/strong&gt; I'm specifically interested in doing this non-verbally, so as not to interrupt the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Bonus points for someone that can write me an answer with sources!&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T10:51:29.313" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T15:45:39.830" Title="How to non-verbally communicate that I am listening?" Tags="&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10831" CreationDate="2018-02-22T10:49:51.937" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Things to do to let them know you're listening&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure if it's common in the Netherlands, but try this. When you're talking, whether you are siting or standing, moving one hand under another arm and that other hand under the chin, it conveys that you're seriously listening to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maintaining eye contact and smiling are the perfect way to let people know that you're listening to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maintaining eye contact is an important thing, so try this without staring. Also smiling, not in a serious discussion though, occasionally conveys that you're listening to people in front of you. It seems like you're already trying it, so I'd say keep it up, but yes, it will let them know you're paying attention to what they are saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try nodding a couple of times when they look at you while talking. It is not necessary to do it frequently. You can also say &quot;mhmm&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Things to avoid, which convey that you're not listening&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.businessinsider.in/7-Signs-Someones-Not-Listening-To-You/articleshow/36401486.cms&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This article&lt;/a&gt; from Business Insider shares a few things that allows you to know that someone is not listening. So, you can try the following tips to counter them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try not to smile too much and for too long. Smile naturally. If you're smiling while your mind is somewhere else, they will know.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try avoiding tapping your fingers and checking your phone. This also makes them feel that you're not listening.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Also try not to look nervous, or moving in your seat, turning your back since it will convey that your attention is not focused.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T13:02:29.070" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T13:02:29.070" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10836" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-22T11:32:30.473" Score="3" ViewCount="2157" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I have been working with an employer for the past 10 months. While interviewing me they asked questions related to my previous job profile, but when I joined here I found that the job profile is completely different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Along with different job profile there are lots of politics in the office. It's a relatively small office with 14 people, seven of whom are relatives of my boss. My team lead doesn't know anything about the job. They can't even evaluate the task properly let alone know about details. I came to know about these within a month of joining. I started to look for something else and I found one. Now I have resigned from here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In past 4 months they have not assigned me any worthy tasks and have now assigned me something which they want me to finish asap. The task is totally new to me and is in a different domain. I have been asking for help over mails but they don't reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The task is pretty complex. I have been searching online for days and I couldn't find a workable solution. My notice period is 3 months. I have served for 20 days. Now, I want them to relieve me since it's very difficult for me to work effectively in this situation. Since I have been working continuously for last 3 years I also want to have some break for myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, How I can ask my employer to relieve me early, since I am not the right person for that job and it's a waste of both of our time and resources for me to serve my entire notice period?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13105" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T16:52:19.540" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T16:52:19.540" Title="How to ask an employer to relieve me earlier than my notice period?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-02-22T19:59:56.420" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10831" CreationDate="2018-02-22T12:57:38.733" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When being told something funny, I smile, when it's something disgusting/disturbing I'm sure my facial expression changes as well. But apparently, for a substantial number of people, I give the impression of zoning out when having long talks, even when I try to maintain eye contact without staring (which I was also told is a good thing).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your non-verbal listening behaviour seem on point and should work for most people IMO.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;That is, if you are actually doing what you say you do, and not only think you're doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/active-listening.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;article of skillsyouneed&lt;/a&gt;* lists 5 different non-verbal signs of active listening. The next time somebody talks to you you can see which things you do and which you don't:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;*I'm not sure where this site has its information from, but to me the article makes sense. &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Smile&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Small smiles can be used to show that the listener is paying attention to what is being said or as a way of agreeing or being happy about the messages being received.  Combined with nods of the head, smiles can be powerful in affirming that messages are being listened to and understood.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smiling is very important and you say you do that. But more importantly here is the nod of the head. It gives the speaker the needed feedback that you are keeping up with what he says. Most people do this subconsiously but it can't hurt to actively nod more when listening. Similar to the nod is saying &quot;mhmm&quot; from time to time. It is used in the same situations as the nod, or even together.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Eye Contact&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  It is normal and usually encouraging for the listener to look at the speaker. Eye contact can however be intimidating, especially for more shy speakers – gauge how much eye contact is appropriate for any given situation.  Combine eye contact with smiles and other non-verbal messages to encourage the speaker.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you try to maintain eye contact without staring. staring is quite relative here, in my opinion. When someone is listening to me and they are looking nonstop at me, I don't perceive it as staring.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Shy people however might think it is staring. What will happen in that case is that the shy speaker will break eye contact instead of you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I think by actively trying to look more at the speaker than you would normally, you can increase your chance to not come across as 'zoning out'.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Posture&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Posture can tell a lot about the sender and receiver in interpersonal interactions.  The attentive listener tends to lean slightly forward or sideways whilst sitting.  Other signs of active listening may include a slight slant of the head or resting the head on one hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While your posture may have some impact on how attentive you look, I'm not sure how important it actually is. IMO smiling, nooding and eye contact is way more important. If you are proficient in those, your posture should not matter that much.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mirroring&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Automatic reflection/mirroring of any facial expressions used by the speaker can be a sign of attentive listening.  These reflective expressions can help to show sympathy and empathy in more emotional situations.  Attempting to consciously mimic facial expressions (i.e. not automatic reflection of expressions) can be a sign of inattention.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mirroring has its advantages but you need to practice it a bit, or you risk getting the opposite result than you are looking for. Mirroring has to be very subtle in order to work.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Posture-Mirroring is also a tactic to appear more likeable to your vis-à-vis, I have used it before i.e. in job interviews.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Distraction&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  The active listener will not be distracted and therefore will refrain from fidgeting, looking at a clock or watch, doodling, playing with their hair or picking their fingernails.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an obvious one. You did not mention explicitly that you are not being distracted while listening, but I assume you were undistracted. Otherwise you would probably know why you're not being seen as an attentive listener.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Together with the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10833/8077&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;things to avoid&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; from AJ's answer you have a good list of behaviors that you can be aware of the next time you listen to someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The difficulty in doing all these things while listening attentively is that it uses a lot of concentration to send the correct non-verbal signals all the time, so that you forget to actually listen to and understand the speaker sometimes.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;With some practice you will improve the subconsious non-verbal signals that you send and therefore be showing more effectively that you are attentivelylistening to the speaker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T13:44:33.540" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T13:44:33.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10836" CreationDate="2018-02-22T13:10:27.390" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Employment laws covering notice periods will vary depending on where you live. There may be statutory requirements under law, and most likely your contract of employment will include a specified period of leave. But obviously your employer chooses to enforce this for their own benefit. You can mutually agree to adjust it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience in the UK, standard notice is one month. Three months is normally only in contracts for positions of high responsibility or where the role will be more difficult to fill with a candidate of the same experience. Perhaps this applies to you, but you say that you have been given a task for which you have little experience! If your employer is just trying to fill the 3 months by giving you an arbitrary task then perhaps this is your &quot;bargaining chip&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be successful in negotiating a shorter period of notice if you can convince your employer that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are not the best person for the task he has given you,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is no benefit to keeping you on that long,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That your remaining time could be used better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you approach him, check the facts. Be certain what your contract says about your notice period. It may also be useful to know what your local employment laws say about statutory notice periods, especially as you have worked for the company for less than a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask to meet with him privately and perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please can I talk to you about my remaining notice? I know that we&#xA;  have agreed 3 months notice, but if possible I would like to leave&#xA;  earlier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember your boss may not have even considered that you would want to leave earlier. Notice periods are there to protect both employer and employee, and it may be he has just assumed you will work that notice and given you this task to fill the time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he needs more convincing, perhaps go on to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The task I am currently undertaking is not really in my area of&#xA;  expertise. I may be able to complete it satisfactorily, but there may&#xA;  be no time for anything else. I think that it would be more beneficial to&#xA;  you if I used the time to hand over my work to my successor (either&#xA;  training if you are already working with them, or writing handover&#xA;  documents). Can we agree a shorter notice period and I will work on my&#xA;  handover to that deadline?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you don't succeed in convincing him immediately, this may plant the thought in his mind that if you don't really want to be there working 3 months notice you may not be highly motivated, and really he is wasting his money paying you to work with reduced motivation and productivity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there really is no way to convince him, you have a few choices open to you (which aren't exactly interpersonal solutions but this is supplemental to my answer):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accept it and work to the best of your ability. Remember you may need a reference from him someday so it might be a good idea to keep him happy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accept it, but just work at whatever pace you feel like. He can't keep you beyond your agreed notice period, so just take it easy. This might endanger your good reference, and at worst if you breach your working conditions seriously he could terminate your employment which gets you out of working there but won't look good on your employment history.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you are desperate to get out you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; challenge it from a legal point of view &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; your contract and employments laws allow you reason to, but DO get separate advice on that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T14:39:30.223" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T14:39:30.223" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10831" CreationDate="2018-02-22T13:11:40.220" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Though this is not what you asked for (non-verbal communication), I have found myself in situations like that way too often. Not sure if some people just like talking a lot or if they're used to being interrupted, but more often than not I found myself exclusively listening to someone talking nonstop for minutes, but to show them I'm paying attention without interrupting - I find interrupting incredibly grating and annoying both ways, which is why I make such a conscious effort not to interrupt unless very needed - I found out that one of the best strategies is &lt;strong&gt;spoken out loud but quick remarks.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, if someone is making a point you agree with, besides the usual head nodding, you can make simple vocal sounds, such as &quot;mhmm&quot; or &quot;hmm&quot; when someone says something interesting. By making these sounds, you're signaling to the person (more than just with body language) that you're not only paying attention, but actually invested in the conversation. Nasal/vocal sounds in response to specific topics/statements that are audible enough for the person to hear, but also short and discrete enough as to not interrupt them, can help a lot with most situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other scenarios, I found that &lt;em&gt;short&lt;/em&gt;, but still vocal spoken responses are also fine. For example, if someone just said something you agree with/understand, a quick - but sound - &quot;yeah&quot;, &quot;uhuh&quot;, &quot;right&quot; or responses alike can be &quot;squeezed in&quot; into their monologue without necessarily disrupting them. I'm not sure about Netherlands (and sorry if it's different there), but in here (Brazil), it is actually welcome for people to vocally agree with what you're saying via quick remarks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say something intriguing and are demonstrably excited about telling you, quick remarks such as &quot;No way!&quot;, &quot;Really?&quot; or &quot;Oh wow&quot; give them validation that not only you're paying attention, but you're also actually interested in what they're saying. If it's a more formal/technical/professional environment, I personally prefer less &quot;emotional&quot;, but still vocal, remarks: &quot;yes&quot;, &quot;no&quot;, &quot;right&quot;, &quot;I agree&quot;, &quot;that's true&quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to exclusively communicate through body language, here are some things I found helpful:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Constant eye contact. Maybe in the Netherlands eye contact is not very welcome, but constantly looking in the eyes of who's talking shows that you're actively interested/paying attention. Without it, people might assume you're thinking about something else/distracted with your surroundings;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Head nods all the way. Of course, don't break your neck by viciously shaking it around, but whenever someone says something you agree with, give them a confirmation nod. When they mention something weird, it's okay to push your head back a bit and make a confused/amused face. When they mention some course of action or train of thought of theirs nonchalantly, a simple shrug can also be seen as confirmation;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Standing still might give them the impression that you're mechanically and methodically listening only. Changing positions constantly has worked really well to me. Cross your arms, put them on your pockets, step forwards/backwards. I'm not very fluent in hand gestures, but I've observed in my surroundings that people also use it when listening to others/giving them quick remarks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10317" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T13:11:40.220" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10842" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10843" CreationDate="2018-02-22T13:45:14.973" Score="33" ViewCount="9141" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a amateur photographer, often volunteering at events. I befriend other volunteers and visitors to these events on Facebook. I would often take pictures of everyone, the volunteers, visitors and entertainers. Event rules and laws rule that I own full copyright to the photos I take and I'm allowed to share them on social media and I am not allowed to hide the photos behind a paywall. I am not allowed to sell the photos. I always fully comply with these rules. I will always be careful not to share potentially embarrassing shots. I will share 'behind the scenes'-photos with volunteers only and shots that put the event in a good light will be accessible to the public on my (Facebook) wall. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have noticed various acquaintances (often non-photographer fellow volunteers) set my photos as their profile picture. I love that. I’m generally okay with that, even if they re-upload it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some other acquaintances will download and re-upload the pictures, as if they were the owners. These are pictures I took, I created them. They seem oblivious to the fact that their face being on the photo does not mean they can use it everywhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I don't intend to sue. These are friendly acquaintances that I intend to stay on a friendly basis with. I merely wish to receive credit where credit is due (the photos are licenced under CC-BY-SA). I do not receive or want to receive money for my services, I enjoy taking photos at events, but I also do not appreciate someone just taking what is technically mine. The exposure is what enables me to do my hobby. They do it to other photographers as well. One has a profile picture with a big watermark saying SAMPLE, looking like it was taken at a paid photoshoot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I want to achieve&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want or need money, but I certainly like the social media recognition. That exposure is what gets me invited to events. I would like to receive credit where credit is due and for my acquaintances to stop re-uploading my photos. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming I found out that an acquaintance reuploaded a particular photo, how can I talk to them about them unintentionally damaging me and ask if they can give me credit without this situation turning awkward? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="12101" LastEditDate="2018-11-02T07:32:49.293" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T10:57:03.753" Title="How can I stop acquaintances from reposting my photos on social media without credit to me?" Tags="&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10842" CreationDate="2018-02-22T13:54:29.380" Score="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, you could try contacting each person in turn, and asking them to give you credit by following the steps you described in your post. You shouldn't bring them stealing your work into the conversation at this stage, however, because most of them will likely not have thought of the situation in those terms, and will likely cooperate with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Some&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; of these people, however, are downloading and re-uploading the pictures &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;precisely because&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; it will look as if the picture is their own, and they will likely ignore your requests. These are the people with whom the &lt;em&gt;&quot;you've stolen from me&quot;&lt;/em&gt; conversation should be had, however they're also the least likely people to give a damn. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may lead to some drama - I'm not saying that you couldn't try to push them to give you credit, but it's likely not worth the effort. It's simpler to never again take/post pictures of that particular person, and simply keep track of those who steal your work as best you can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realistically, however, how many people can you keep track of that way? How long before you've had that conversation &lt;em&gt;way too many times&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to ensure that everyone knows a picture you've taken is your own is to watermark/sign it. It doesn't have to be a crude watermark which is displayed across the whole photo. A simple, discrete logo/signature in a corner would suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those who go out of their way to delete that logo you can simply never post pictures of again. Anyone else you don't need to get in touch with, because - by virtue of leaving your logo in - they're giving you credit. This seems like the most practical way to achieve your goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T14:01:50.950" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T14:01:50.950" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10846" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10850" CreationDate="2018-02-22T14:19:05.917" Score="26" ViewCount="5804" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been friends with a guy for 10 years who is a writer, and he is really good with sci-fi and fantasy themes. He has written a dozen of each so far, and each of them was really good, even if they didn't sell a lot because he is a self-publishing type guy and is not well versed in marketing and self-promotion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He always asks for my advice before continuing his stories and has already stopped multiple ones, some at really advanced stages, just because I told him it was not as good as he would like it to be because he asked for my honest feedback. Every time I feel bad for this, but he kept telling me that perfect is better than done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, he decided that it was time to move out of his comfort zone and has decided to write a thriller, involving murder, and mystery.&#xA;He is really, &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; invested in his story and is really sensitive to any critique.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I read two-thirds of his new novel so far, and the story is really good, but I found the ending to be far too predictable. I asked him to tell me the ending without announcing my guess, just to be sure I had it right, and I got 100% of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know—or strongly believe—he will abandon his story and throw it all out if I tell him his ending is really predictable and he should change it. He has spent hundreds of hours learning, reading, and researching to build his story and he has written more than 600 pages so far. I don't want him to throw it all out! His story is really good, but it lacks a twist at the end. While he can let go and move on easily over a story, I truly wish he would continue writing this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make him understand it is not too late for him to change the ending because I genuinely enjoy his story?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it helps, I am a female, 22yo, and he is a male 36yo both living in France.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basing my feedback on AHamilton's advice, I have tried to make him understand that he gives too many hints about the end throughout the story, and that I have guessed the ending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I kept repeating to him that it was - in my opinion - one of the best book he wrote so far (this much is true).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also told him that I was uneasy each time he has threw his work out solely on my opinion, and that I would like him to continue writing this one. He has given me apologies (that was unnecessary, but he is a cinnamon roll) and promises me to try his best to continue his stories till the end from now on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I felt he was not totally satisfied with this conclusion, so I stayed with him during long hours so that we revised his story and remove/modify hints and a lot of chapters. It is far better now, and I am confident the ending is now unguessable:-D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13114" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2020-01-02T05:01:38.793" LastActivityDate="2020-01-02T05:06:20.590" Title="How to tell my friend his novel's ending is too predictable but he should keep writing it?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10846" CreationDate="2018-02-22T14:30:19.800" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You actually wrote everything you should tell him already :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mate I really, really love your new story. The only thing it lacks, in&#xA;  my opinion, is a twist at the end so that the outcome is not so&#xA;  predictable, as I guessed it 100% right when you told me the ending. Other&#xA;  than that good work, and I'm really looking forward to reading the&#xA;  finished story!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that you enjoyed it, but you still conveyed your critique. I really doubt that he would abandon this if the rest is really well written.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additum after OP's comment: &#xA;In your comment you state that he would still abandon his work if you were to say that and that he is too proud of his work to accept honest critisizm. I'm sorry to say that imho this is not a problem you should have to tackle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As i see it you have two options then:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;To tell him your honest critique, sandwiched in compliments, so its as easy for him to swallow as possible.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Or:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You just hold your critique back.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a (altough mild) character flaw on his side and so you are in now way responsible for him ditching his work. If you want him to write something as good as possible and want to genuinly help him with it, you definetily should tell him imho. If you really dont want to risk him ditching is work, you should keep all critique to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="7301" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T10:00:51.793" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T10:00:51.793" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10842" CreationDate="2018-02-22T14:31:17.263" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Assuming I found out that an acquaintance reuploaded a particular photo, how can I talk to them about them unintentionally damaging me and ask if they can give me credit without this situation turning awkward?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd go with a private message first, start with expressing your gratitude that people actually use your picture (and seem to like it), then explain what you did to us: you're dependent on exposure to ensure future work/events, then ask (don't tell) whether people would mind editing their post a little (or reposting, if editing isn't possible) and include a reference to you or your site as the photographer. The private message has a benefit that you aren't calling someone out in public for stealing photographs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such a message is the most polite and hands-off approach. If you want something a little more passive-aggressive, you could comment on the post (if that's possible), and leave a message that expresses that you had fun photographing them, that you really like it that they like your picture so much, and that if people want to see more photos from the event where it was taken, they can go to your profile (insert a link :) ). This is more dangerous than the private message, since it's public. Try not to accuse people, instead just promote yourself next to their post. It may not stop the reuploading of photos, but if your acquaintances notice this, they might just start including links back to you next to reuploaded photos. Could you live with that? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this might always turn a bit awkward, if not for you, then for the other person. Maybe they are not aware of the copyrights on these photos, on the fact that you're dependent on them for exposure so you can go to more events. There are many factors here, they might lack some technical skills and be unaware that they're removing a train of links and sourcing. That's why, if you want to do get as much people on your side as possible, you need to educate, be patient and not accuse people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said in the comments &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm not that interested in educating them, as long as they stop doing it.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you here, but without 'educating' and explaining why exposure is so important to you, you won't get people to stop without awkwardness or making them angry. Imagine someone stepping over to you and telling/yelling at you to stop photographing, while you're under the impression you're not doing anything wrong, and the other person not explaining why. It's frustrating at the very least. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-11-02T10:56:28.533" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T10:56:28.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10850" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10846" CreationDate="2018-02-22T14:41:54.007" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the most important things about giving subjective feedback is to take everything about the feedback onto yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His story isn't too predictable, it was too predictable 'for you'.  It wasn't really good writing, you felt it was really good writing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of this, when he's asking for your feedback, he values your opinion.  If he didn't, he wouldn't ask for it.  Instead of telling him you figured out the plot, maybe tell him that you really liked the style, as you clearly enjoy his writing, but for this genre, you really like it when there was an unexpected twist at the end that you didn't see coming.  That is what brings you back to the genre time and time again, and give examples of some other writers who've done really good twists that you enjoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like everything about his story except that bit, he's unlikely to drop it if it's something that can be fixed.  If he doesn't see a way out of that, then that's his issue, not yours.  Just make sure that you word your feedback as being an opinion, because the very nature of editorial feedback always is.  That's the best you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T14:41:54.007" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-22T15:03:48.450" Score="3" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Remember that religion fulfills multiple roles&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The secondary one is the one that's important here. Regardless of belief in god, religion provides community and identity. The price for being a member of the community is attendance at service. Another part of the price is bringing up your children in the ways of the community. It gives you a place to belong, a place to go, no matter where you go in the world, if you identify with that community you can find friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wanting to be gentle with your mother about this is significant, your attendance at church is part of her belonging to the community. It shows to the congregation, who have usually all known each other for many years, that she's a good mother and a good community member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you make a big scene about this it'll hurt both your mother and grandmother in a way that will make them feel that they've somehow failed. I would suggest that you start to regulate your attendance at church if you really feel that way but, even as someone who doesn't believe in god at all, it doesn't hurt to be seen at a service once in a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you move out and go your own way, you can stop attending church, when back at home it's good to be seen in church, it does nobody any harm and allows your mother to show off her grown up children in the community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You don't need to directly inform your mother that you don't believe in god, just find something else to be doing on a Sunday a gently increasing amount of the time.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1669" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T15:03:48.450" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10852" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10842" CreationDate="2018-02-22T15:27:16.597" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a less sinister reason than you might think for them to download and re-upload: It can be easier.  This is especially true if they want to crop them* to highlight their own involvement, or to use on another network.  This is understandable as many people use something like a headshot for a profile picture, and you were shooting the event, not a portrait session. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've done similar things myself with friends pictures. I don't usually start from a pro's volunteer work, though my &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/OKnqN.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;profile pic on bicycles.se&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/OKnqNs.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/OKnqNs.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;me on bicycles&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is pretty much that, taken from the event's facebook page, cropped and re-uploaded (the photographer wasn't credited by the event).  This may even be problematic if they've ruined your composition, though as event shots you often can't compose quite how you'd like if you were posing everyone.  In the example above, I've removed some clutter, but also the charity event's branded flag, just to concentrate on the picture of me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So what can you do about these people?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you simply ask them to credit you.  Would a link to the original/your page in a comment be enough? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/HLi8ms.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/HLi8ms.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;cupcakes&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks &lt;a href=&quot;https://photo.stackexchange.com/users/26575/chris-h&quot;&gt;@ChrisH&lt;/a&gt; for the &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/HLi8m.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;lovely photo&lt;/a&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(taking some more of my stuff as an example. In this particular case you could also add &lt;em&gt;&quot;available at &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/File:Coconut_pyramid_sharp.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikimedia commons&lt;/a&gt; under a CC-BY-SA license&quot;&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This maybe isn't as visible as you'd like, but IMO profile pictures are largely ignored once they've been up for a while, unless there's activity on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you watermark across their face, which I don't recommend, it may well not appear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;*Yes, you can use a clunky crop tool on facebook, but not on the mobile website last I checked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1866" LastEditorUserId="1866" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T10:47:50.730" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T10:47:50.730" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10783" CreationDate="2018-02-22T15:43:27.380" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It looks like your parents care about you deeply, and do all the wrong things with their good intentions. (All the things that you feel are wrong, I mean.) It might help them to give you the space you need if you communicate to them not only where you don't want them (with you in Canada), but also where you do want them (on Skype every so often, for example). You could tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It means a lot to me that you're willing to spend the time and money to come and be in Canada with me, but it would help me more if I could focus on my studies. My studies are important to me - that's what I'm here for, I really appreciate you giving me this chance to be here, so anything that distracts me from that makes me unhappy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Acknowledge their feelings, without backing away from what you believe in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know this is not how a woman would wear her hair in Pakistan / how a student would act in Pakistan / etc., but I am not in Pakistan right now, and this makes me happy, and helps me achieve my goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Leaving aside for the moment the question of when and how you decide to talk to your parents about being Trans.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how old you are, your parents would still worry about you, care about you, think of you as their little baby. It would help them to let go if they could be sure you'd be fine, and if they'd still have a place in your life. Try to give them that: share with them your successes, what you're proud of having achieved, what your plans and your hopes are. (You don't have to share everything, but give them something.) Share with them little things that are fun or exciting for you: an awesome view you saw, a movie you liked, whatever. Tell them about your friends, and how much those friends mean to you. Your parents want to help you, they want you to be happy and healthy. You just need to guide them along the right path. (Not that this is always easy.) But in the end, you have a common goal. You can even explicitly remind them of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T05:20:33.827" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T05:20:33.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10831" CreationDate="2018-02-22T16:01:55.280" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;Someone asked you in a comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When people go on these 'longer talking periods' do you the classic nodding, &quot;mhm&quot;, &quot;yes&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You responded:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I try avoiding interrupting the conversation at any cost, so no sounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like that may be your problem. The &quot;classic mhm, yes&quot; responses are called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backchannel_(linguistics)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;backchannels&lt;/a&gt;. It sounds like you're thinking of backchannels as being interruptions, and so you're avoiding them. But, at least in my culture, backchannels are not taken as interruptions; they're an important way for the listener to show their interest and attention to what the speaker is saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should figure out how much people in your culture normally speak and vocalize while others are talking to them, and try to speak about the same amount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4973" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T16:01:55.280" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10776" CreationDate="2018-02-22T16:54:08.310" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a gamer myself, and I know exactly where your frustration is coming from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, there is nothing you can do about that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking/chatting with them will not achieve anything, because &lt;em&gt;they do not speak your language&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Using Google Translator to translate a rant is techincally possible, but in practice they will just laugh at you and call you a flamer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem lies in the setup of the game itself that allows people to join Servers that are not in their country.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The developers of your game are very aware of the problem at hand, but there are many &lt;em&gt;many&lt;/em&gt; other reasons why they decided to build their server-setup / game design like this.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;These devs are the ones who are responsible to prevent your problem before it happens by changing the game architecture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until they do, &lt;strong&gt;there is nothing you can do to stop people from joining foreign servers&lt;/strong&gt;. It will keep happening if they are able to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These people have their own reasons why they would choose to play on a foreign server. A random, angry dude (which is how you are seen by them) is not going to stop them from doing it further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to be sure to avoid these annoying players is joining the game with a full party of friends. But I know that you can't do that all the time. So when you play with foreign players again, &lt;strong&gt;mute them&lt;/strong&gt; and use communication with the other english speaking teammembers.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most games that apply to your description also have non-verbal ways to communicate like a &lt;em&gt;chatwheel&lt;/em&gt; (predefined sentences that will be translated to each player's own language), &lt;em&gt;pinging on minimap&lt;/em&gt; and the like. Be sure to use those to communicate with your muted &quot;friends&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T16:54:08.310" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10776" CreationDate="2018-02-22T17:25:46.090" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You really can't. One's spoken language (which is usually tied to nationality) can be a sensitive topic. Many people will subconsciously take bringing up the language barrier as an insult to their language (and perhaps even nationality) and make them aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, telling them that their language barrier is an issue is like saying, &quot;Stop playing the game you like because you don't speak English.&quot; It will most likely make the other player resent you and make the situation worse. They may even resent English speakers even more after a situation like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's unfortunate that the lack of communication in games where being able to communicate can give you a HUGE edge and win/lose you games. But the key to gaming is to not let these situations get to you. You notice the situations with non-English speakers because they're more obvious, but similar situations happen all the time with English speaking teammates who are just uncooperative: language is just one barrier in team play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; want to communicate something to them, I would avoid &quot;calling them out&quot; and instead trying to learn a little of their language to improve communication. I personally had a situation in which I was matched with a Chinese teammate in PUBG and wanted to communicate with him so I simply looked up some key phrases like &quot;stop&quot;, &quot;go&quot;, &quot;careful&quot;, and even &quot;thanks&quot; in order to more effectively communicate with them. It worked wonders and turned into a good memory among my friends. It's a difficult process but if you have the time to construct a shared language it can do a lot to improve your games and even your own team play skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T17:32:53.537" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T17:32:53.537" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-22T19:03:33.933" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(There are several answers that speak about religion vs. faith, but I think  my approach is yet very different.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am pretty sure you can soften the thing by separating &lt;strong&gt;practising religion&lt;/strong&gt; from &lt;strong&gt;having a faith&lt;/strong&gt;. These two are completely different. The thing is that you can express you don't want to practise the religion without having to express your look on faith.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey mom, I don't want to be coming with you to the church anymore because the church does not represent my view of the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets her decide whether she wants to know more or not. If she does not, it's fine. If she does, it's her asking questions and you simply answering honestly. If she asks: &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;So are you still a Christian?&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt; you still have two choices how to word things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not consider myself a Christian. (That's the soft way.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not. I am an atheist. (That's the most direct way.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Altogether, there is actually plenty of room for hints and for delivering the message in small chunks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T19:03:33.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10846" CreationDate="2018-02-22T19:41:01.247" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a fiction writer and an ex-perfectionist, I have a really intimate understanding of your friend's situation. I just dug myself out of it and trust me, it's a terrible combination which will lead to mediocrity. In fact, a fear of failure is quite inter-disciplinary, but I find it is especially disastrous in the arts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Writing is hard. It is an emotional, arduous process filled with hopes and dreams. Typically, a writer will pour their entire self-worth into their work, and if it fails to achieve the status or effect that was intended, then the &quot;logical&quot; explanation is that they are failures. Writers are paradoxically the proudest and most self-conscious people. However, this mindset is destructive and counter-creative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Writers must be able to objectively separate their worth from their reader's perception of their work. Your friend seems to be seriously struggling with this problem. Abandoning an entire project because of a few problems! How many opportunities has he missed because of that fatalistic perspective? Writing is not a discrete event. It's a continuous iterative process. It relies on months of re-writing drafts, tweaking characters, revising until your eyes bleed. Nobody ever writes a perfect novel in one draft. Not Rowling, not Tolkien, not Martin. Nor Fitzgerald, nor Orwell, nor Faulkner. The greatest writers sometimes re-write their stories 30+ times. That is how the industry works, like it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend can't understand that reality, then there is nothing more you can do on your end, except continue to offer constructive criticism and reinforcing the positives of his work. As long as you give criticism with the intent of helping him improve his work, then you are being a perfect reader--please don't be gentle. It's horrible advice. A real publisher and editor will not be gentle. They will be blunt and heartless. You will get your printed manuscript back with entire pages circled, labelled &quot;Yawn... useless, remove it&quot;. It took me a while to finally figure out that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes, but I can also fix them to produce a piece which is even better. A writer must be prepared for difficulty and sharp criticism. Then after digesting it, they have to buckle down and revise. This is the blight of the writer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, what to do. First, if he does not already have a workshop, I would advise him to look for writers' workshops near him. These are a necessary tool and incredibly helpful for helping a writer understand the process of writing and receiving feedback. Then, I would start with the positives. Try to touch upon big literary terms such as: plot pacing, character development, tone, diction and style (does he write flowery, intricate sentences, or terse, matter-of-a-fact sentences? Compliment his style, writers like to hear that), etc. Whenever you give feedback (to anyone in any situation), the positives always offset any potential negativity from your feedback. Let's say the novel had strong pacing, solid characters, with a rough and tumble tone to it. I would start like this (I am bolding words and phrases which are both common in writing feedback, and good ways to sound objective but still descriptive):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This was an &lt;strong&gt;exciting read&lt;/strong&gt;, you yet &lt;strong&gt;again prove you have a strong grasp&lt;/strong&gt; on narrative and realistic world-building. Larry, the protagonist, was really well developed. His arch was also satisfying, &lt;strong&gt;I could identify&lt;/strong&gt; with him well. The dialogue also felt &lt;strong&gt;natural&lt;/strong&gt;, especially Larry's femme fatale, who you did a good job making into a mysterious erotic character. In fact, reading about all the characters was a pleasure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find the good things first, so you can validate his skill. Then, ease into your hesitations. Luckily there is only one major issue, the ending. One tip when giving feedback on stories is to rarely prescribe things and do not say an entire idea or character is &quot;stupid, useless, unoriginal&quot;, leave those nouns to the busy, impersonal publishers. Be specific! Do not say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The ending scene when Larry and the evil mastermind Harry fought in the train station and Larry accidentally shot his love was lame and such a cop-out. Really what you should've done is have...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two no-no's! No lame descriptions, and no prescriptions!&#xA;Instead, focus on the real story in the novel, and describe why something was not the best it could be. Always talk in potentials. After touching upon the positives:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, I did have one &lt;strong&gt;slight reservation&lt;/strong&gt;, and with your creative brain, easily fixable. But, this is your story, so take everything I say with a &lt;strong&gt;grain of salt&lt;/strong&gt;: Remember friend, this is your world, and your creativity, I only want to help you &lt;strong&gt;achieve the best version&lt;/strong&gt; of your novel. That being said, I think your ending has room for improvement because I thought it was a tad too predictable. I like how everything culminated to that point, but maybe you should reconsider how everything goes down. &lt;strong&gt;For instance&lt;/strong&gt;, it felt rushed...For instance, it wasn't as exhilarating as the rest of those exciting scenes you wrote...etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those 'For instances' are where you describe what you didn't like, such as the pacing, the resolution, the character interactions, the contrived nature of the scene, etc. Then, a transition to the final remarks. Here you want to re-affirm how everything else was great, and how the ending is just a tiny fraction of the greater work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Everything else was great, just revisit the ending, and I would LOVE to work with you &lt;strong&gt;bouncing off ideas&lt;/strong&gt; and whatnot because frankly, I'm attached to the characters. Also, don't forget that endings are always super hard! So don't worry!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, now you listen to his response, he may ask many more questions--at least he should. This could go two ways. If he decides to throw his hands up and scrap the whole thing, I would suggest explaining how destructive that mindset is to his writing career. Direct him to research &quot;revision in writing&quot; (Robert Boswell's After the Workshop: Transitional Drafts is a great start, cannot recommend enough). Always be a token of positivity and constructive feedback, but ultimately overcoming the fear of failure is a personal problem he must deal with. If a writer can't deal with failure, then they are simply not cut out for writing. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13139" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2020-01-02T05:06:20.590" LastActivityDate="2020-01-02T05:06:20.590" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10846" CreationDate="2018-02-22T20:58:01.490" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should give him a fair feedback of your thoughts on his book. You did so in the past and if you now start with fake feedback just to protect him, he would get wrong expectations about his work and could decide to release a book, not up to his standards, harming his reputation as a writer. Sure, it is hard to be the person that maybe is the reason that hundreds of good pages go to the bin, but that’s a risk you should take. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also you should consider one thing in your feedback, you have been knowing that guy for 10 years. You have read many stories of his making and I bet you know him at least good by this time, especially his way of building up stories. This gives you a huge advantage, when trying to predict the end of the story. You should take this into account when thinking about predictability of the story. &#xA;You could also try to give the feedback a more positive twist. Instead of saying “the ending was predictable” try something like “I think you should change X, so the reader has a harder time predicting the ending”. So instead of a pure analysis, try to put in some advice of action, give him possible arcs to think about. So your feedback is not so much about the weak point of his story and more focused on what he could do to improve it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12442" LastEditorUserId="2625" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T21:05:45.703" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T21:05:45.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10842" CreationDate="2018-02-22T22:19:57.223" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm glad you liked my photo. Could you credit me/retain the credits when resharing it on social media? I rely on exposure for [building my photography career/however you want to describe that].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you may be legally, or in your view morally, entitled to accuse people of &quot;stealing&quot;, or demand they stop using, photos you've taken, nobody likes &lt;em&gt;that photographer&lt;/em&gt;. It comes across as an attitude that you think you're superior to other people who aren't &quot;real photographers&quot; and who don't mind when friends reshare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3142" LastEditorUserId="3142" LastEditDate="2018-02-22T23:26:47.533" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T23:26:47.533" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-22T22:38:31.427" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What worries me is that as a mother she probably will be worried about me, my soul, my future and that sort of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I agree with the delivery way suggested by others (honest and simple), I'd like to address this point, that seems overlooked by the other answers so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A very important aspect of a religion is the &lt;strong&gt;complex of moral and ethic values&lt;/strong&gt; attached to it. Belonging to a religion means not only believing in God, but also believing in a given set of values and ideally applying them in everyday life. Christian values can hold even if a person does not believe in God. Or, put in other terms, a Christian and an atheist can act the same way (except for mass attendance and similar rituals).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If all of this apply to you&lt;/em&gt;, you could try to &lt;strong&gt;decouple the beliefs from the values&lt;/strong&gt;: underline to your mother that you still appreciate and apply the message contained in the gospels, and that you're glad that you learned it. She can see it as the good mark that God left on you and, more importantly, that you're not morally worse for not believing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I come from a Christian family. I've become agnostic when I found out that Santa wasn't real &lt;em&gt;(&quot;white beard, knows everything about you, punishes you when you're naughty... wait that's God!&quot;)&lt;/em&gt;. After a while I became a scout in a Christian association, while still doubting of the existence of God. For seven years I've gone to church every Sunday, learned a lot about the Bible and the gospels, debated a lot about spiritual matters, ethics, morals and beliefs with fellow scouts and clergy people. After that it was clear to me that I wasn't a believer at all and I quit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I'm a happy atheist who's happy to have learned that much about Christianity. To me, God isn't real, but the Christian message raises some &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; good points. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T22:38:31.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10846" CreationDate="2018-02-22T22:44:07.033" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I make him understand it is not too late for him to change the ending, because I genuinely enjoy his story?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very simple. You wait for the book to be finished and &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; comment on how the ending doesn't have a twist. At this stage your friend would no longer have the option to abandon the book and they would be more inclined to take a look at your perspective since they're no longer actively writing it. It's also possible that your friend will decide that writing a new book is the best solution in this scenario and start from scratch with your suggestions in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way the solution is to let your friend enjoy the writing instead of trying to barge in with your comments in the middle, given what you know about their behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9110" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T22:44:07.033" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-22T23:30:00.983" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Option 1: Live with it. Personally, I used to go by a nickname that had no relation to my given name. When I introduced myself to people, I would simply say, &quot;My name is Nick&quot;, or sometimes, &quot;My name is Frederick, but I go by Nick.&quot; I only recall one person who insisted on calling me by my legal name, and I didn't care enough to make a big deal about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 2: As others have said, just keep bringing it up every time they use the wrong name. &quot;Please, call me Fred.&quot; &quot;I go by Fred.&quot; &quot;I really don't like the name 'Frederick', I prefer 'Fred'.&quot; Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 3: Ask why they insist on using a name you don't like. If they really had some good reason, like, &quot;My daughter was raped and murdered by a man named Fred and it just brings up too many painful memories to say it&quot;, I think I'd say okay fine, call me Frederick. Did they actually say that they thought it was disrespectful to the memory of the saint, or were you just guessing about that? Because it that's it, I'd say, &quot;I agree, it would be disrespectful to refer to Saint Frederick as 'Freddie-baby'. But I'm not the saint, and I don't find it necessary to insist on the same level of respect.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 4: Don't answer when they use the wrong name. Make them go to extra effort to get your attention. Then say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I'm used to people calling me 'Fred'.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 5: If you really want to push it, start calling them by something other than their preferred name. Like start calling him &quot;Mr George Robert Miller&quot; or whatever his full name is every time you address him. Presumably he'll say, &quot;Hey, just call me George.&quot; Then say, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry, from the fact that you insist on calling me Frederick I thought you would likewise expect a higher level of formality, Mr George Robert Miller.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 6: Stop spending time with these people. If they're so rude that they don't respect your wishes on as simple a thing as what name you like to be called by, why associate with them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming here that's there's nothing inherently offensive or ridiculous about the name you want to be called by. Like if you're telling people that you want to be called &quot;Chief Sitting Bull&quot; even though you're white, or &quot;Sex Master&quot;, or &quot;The One True God May His Name Be Praised Forevermore&quot;, and you make a big deal when people want to call you by a more conventional name, then you're the one being rude and annoying. But from the wording of your question I don't think that's the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T23:30:00.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10842" CreationDate="2018-02-22T23:51:05.807" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I get the message across without this situation turning awkward or without resorting to watermarking my photos?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't&lt;/strong&gt;. Either you make the situation awkward or you'd have to resort to watermarking your photos. There's no other way around this conundrum as people don't have too much respect for copyright when it comes to their own Facebook pages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So pick the lesser of evils and go for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9110" LastActivityDate="2018-02-22T23:51:05.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10831" CreationDate="2018-02-23T01:16:46.337" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Now wait just a damn minute here, folks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does that get your attention? I'm going to provide a much more radical interpretation of this entire thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You state: Anyways, as the conversation progresses, &lt;strong&gt;often people start talking more and for longer periods of time.&lt;/strong&gt; I've always been told not to interrupt people[etc.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having read the entire post rather carefully, I get the impression that &lt;strong&gt;you  actually getting bored&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you have long talks with a person, that does not give them the right to &lt;strong&gt;go on and on and on and one and on without end&lt;/strong&gt;. And &lt;strong&gt;make you sit there or stand there like a deaf-mute zombie, nodding your head politely&lt;/strong&gt;. Because that is what will happen. &lt;strong&gt;Anyone who expects anyone else to sit at attention for many long minutes on end, is not engaging in a &quot;talk&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;strong&gt;They are engaging in a &quot;talk at you&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Having a talk with someone implies a back-and-forth&lt;/strong&gt;, not just a forth, as is it were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Perhaps you are not in need of non-verbal cues. **You seem to already know those and use them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Perhaps you need to let your interlocutor know that you too can speak and cannot be expected to just listen without any response&lt;/strong&gt;. What's the point of that anyway?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you need &lt;strong&gt;good verbal cues&lt;/strong&gt;, so you can respond to what is being said and say what you have to say too.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If a person wants a lecture or a diatribe (where you can sit for long time and may or may not become a zombie or fall asleep), go to a lecture. Lectures are a place to listen without interrupting and you needn't give off any verbal cues&lt;/strong&gt;. I don't know where one goes for that, except to those people you'v been talking to....&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What talk is worth sitting for a long time for and without being able to act like a human being, not being able to talk at all and just being sending out positive non-verbal cues? You might as well be a machine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will be the ultimate loser here, so to speak. Because even if you look interested, by this point, are you even interested? And aren't you already flying to the Caribbean in your head for a beach vacation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shiver my timbers. I think some of us here might have been misled by your post. Somehow, I don't think I was. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have my permission to interrupt me anytime. &lt;strong&gt;Finally, you may have been taught not to interrupt: that's fine in the normal world. People are entitled to finish their thought(s), and so forth, but no one should talk at you non-stop while  you excel at your verbal cues&lt;/strong&gt;. That's OK for normal interaction but what you describe does not sound normal to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you've had it with that and don't yet know it. &lt;strong&gt;Also, I question these people who expect you to sit and listen in rapt attention. Who are they anyway&lt;/strong&gt;? They don't sound like the kind of people I would put with for five seconds. What wisdom could they possibly be imparting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It all sounds like verbal torture to me....Things have limits. Formats have limits. We all have limits and we need to let others know that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I read between the lines of your post. I hope I did not overstep my boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, maybe you just need a new job. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13148" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T01:16:46.337" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10875" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-23T06:55:44.760" Score="3" ViewCount="2785" Body="&lt;p&gt;So we have been together for the past 3 years 9 months. Of course before our relationship we knew each other and did spend a couple of months before giving our friendship the &lt;strong&gt;&quot;relationship&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; tag. We met when we were undergrads, and then continued it through our graduate studies as well. After our grad studies we both have been trying to get into PhD, and focus on our career. She being a bit academically weak I used to help her out in all possible way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We always had a very transparent relationship. We had immense trust and respect for each other. Though we both had access to each others cell phone, emails, we never used to have that suspicion. It was mutual in nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of late we are going through a rough patch. It all started around 7 months ago, last August. The frequent texts and calls stopped all of a sudden. Whenever I used to call it keep ringing only to get a call back as late as 24 hours. Whenever I conveyed my feeling to her regarding her sudden change in behavior she used to tell she wasn't well, she was away or my cell phone wasn't reachable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm extremely sane as an individual and gave her all the space she did require (though she never once requested for it). Never did I try to enforce anything. Except for a few occasions where I did argue with her regarding her recent antics. Infact went as far as to tell that if she needed a breakup it's fine. She can have that. &lt;em&gt;But she told me how much I meant to her, and how much she was in love with me.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things took a turn for worse in November where she went on a trip with her family for 15 odd days. In 2 days I would get a call that she was fine, and then she would hang up. I conveyed that emotionally I was down, and sad. She didn't give two hoots about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can share a small incident that happened during her trip. I texted her in WhatsApp. She read it. No reply. Called her (17 times to be precise) didn't pick up. 14 hours plus went by no calls. Called her didn't pick up. Only to call back a couple of minutes later to inform that she was having a hard time with her Dad (just a background info, her Dad is pretty old and can't walk properly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did understand all her difficulties but couldn't reason with myself as to her sudden change of behavior. I mean who can't make a 1 minute call in a 24-hour time frame? At least if you love someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In December too, she took a sudden small trip for 5-days. These 5-days she maintained a total dead silence. No communication. I was so sad with all my previous experience I also never called her. I knew that once she returns should would call me and cook up stories. And she did shamelessly. I listened without any protest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes that was the moment I was certain that she was cooking up stories. How? Did some digging and found out all this while when she told her trip was sudden, it was well planned out 3-weeks before hand. Secondly she was cheating academically and not sharing her resources. Like sending in applications for various jobs. It's startling cause I'm struggling and more or less have the same skill set.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the time frame too matched. &lt;strong&gt;August.&lt;/strong&gt; Confronted her, she confessed. She said she was sorry and she didn't knew what she was doing. I thought good. I gave her a second chance (ignoring my own inner voice, my friends and family), in the hope she would rectify. But the next day itself she did the same thing again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She knows exactly how to manipulate me by playing with my emotions. At least that's what I feel now. I have been taken for granted too long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want to know how to organically convey all my feelings and explain to her that I personally need to stop all communication with her (I am feeling emotionally and physically used).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13154" LastEditorDisplayName="user11886" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T07:49:28.383" LastActivityDate="2019-07-25T00:45:39.767" Title="How to communicate feelings and then stop communication with distant girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="10" ClosedDate="2018-02-23T11:37:48.967" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10875" CreationDate="2018-02-23T07:16:54.547" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everyone has different relationship styles but there are some constants and generally good practices towards healthy relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A healthy relationship requires &lt;strong&gt;trust&lt;/strong&gt; which is being eroded by several things here but the one that is directly under your control is &lt;strong&gt;communication&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may be under stress, distracted, feeling insecure or any other variety of things that have changed her behaviour. You need to do what you can to improve communication, in particular have a &lt;em&gt;heart to heart&lt;/em&gt; (serious) conversation with her saying that you care about her and want to be in a relationship but the two of you seem to be growing apart and more distant recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing is to voice support, concern and remind her that you want the relationship to work. And even assuming that those thoughts get a positive reception from her, you would probably continue to voice support and remind her to &lt;em&gt;talk&lt;/em&gt; to you, that is communicate what she is thinking and feeling until you get through this rough patch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is all that you can do. If being supportive and making a strong effort to communicate doesn't work - or your patience becomes exhausted then you would have to decide if you want to try a temporary break from contact with her (give her some time to sort herself out) or possibly break up with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how much you want a relationship to work, it takes two people to make it successful in the long term. What you can do is assume that the problems are transitory, be optimistic towards the future, supportive and most of all don't hint about serious issues or assume that she knows how you feel. You need to actually sit down in person and have a serious conversation where you &lt;em&gt;explicitly&lt;/em&gt; tell her that you care and are supportive but need her to talk to you about her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11886" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T07:16:54.547" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10875" CreationDate="2018-02-23T08:08:51.237" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Judging from all that I read, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/10876/321&quot;&gt;@Thisiswhatyoudo&lt;/a&gt; is right. I guess that after seven months of trying and you're still in relationship limbo means you gotta bite the bullet and take time off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't come  back with an answer or a decent reply about what's going on, it's time to move on. My current girlfriend had some issues and she had to go into a clinic for six months, during her time there, we communicated very little and halfway through she said she didn't want to talk to me anymore and that she's suffering and needs to be alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it finally ended she reopened communications with me and now we're still together. Long story short, take a break, no answer, time to move. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2019-07-25T00:45:39.767" LastActivityDate="2019-07-25T00:45:39.767" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10875" CreationDate="2018-02-23T08:40:31.980" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way I see it, the most important part of your post is that you expressed that you need to do this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;I personally need to stop all communication with her (I am feeling emotionally and physically used).&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although we only have your side of the story, the situation certainly seems to have descended to the poisonous, and you say that is what you need to do, so my suggestion would be to focus on that goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also really &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to do this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;I just want to know how to organically convey all my feelings&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's understandable. However, trying to &quot;organically&quot; convey all your feelings to someone you say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;knows exactly how to manipulate [you] by playing with [your] emotions.&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;. . . sounds like a bad idea to me. I've been in unhealthy relationships before, and if your relationship is as unhealthy as it sounds, then I would strongly advise focusing on your end goal of cutting communications and getting out &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt;. Only you can figure out how much you can safely say to her and still be firm about achieving that result. (It may be very hard for you to remain firm about this goal, but if it's really what you need to do, then you should focus on it at all costs.) Whatever else you choose to say to her, the message you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; convey is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;I need to stop all communication with you.&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have begun the process of cutting all ties and figured out ways to hold to that goal (such as not taking her calls or answering her texts unless you have financial or property issues to resolve), take care of the &quot;conveying your feelings&quot; part by talking to friends and family, or seeing a therapist for a while, or even just buying a notebook or two (or using a word processor) to rant for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once time and cathartic venting have helped you gain some emotional distance and clarity, you can decide whether it might be safe to resume a tentative friendship if you still even feel like you might want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13160" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T08:40:31.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10831" CreationDate="2018-02-23T09:31:53.680" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't be afraid to do small interruptions that don't completely shut the conversation, like mentioned in other comments with comments like &quot;mmmm&quot;,&quot;aha&quot;,&quot;yeah&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is there have been several experiments on how people perceive their interlocutor to be listening, one that wasn't actually listening but doing non verbal clues (noding, facial expression changing, etc) and another one listening but not expressing anything at all, and without interrupting the speaker(as you said you prefer to do since you don't wanna interrupt). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guess who they felt listened better to the story... The person who wasn't really listening. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moral of the story is you have a lot of power in your non-verbal clues. Use it! People will definitely know you are listening to them, or at least they will get that feeling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Body mirroring,eye contact, body relaxation,your feet pointing at your interlocutor,all this things should make the other person feel like you're really paying attention and don't wanna leave the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also recommend you make some interjections like the mentioned on the start of the comment, although they don't add nothing to the conversation itself, it creates rhythm on the conversation and it's more likely the other person feels like you want to be a part of it and continue listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6215" LastEditorUserId="6215" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T09:45:24.147" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T09:45:24.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10875" CreationDate="2018-02-23T10:00:17.030" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone suddenly changes behaviour, something is going on. People don't get a personality transplant overnight. We are all &lt;em&gt;capable&lt;/em&gt; of manipulating the people we love and know well but obviously decent people don't, at least not to this degree. Some&lt;em&gt;thing&lt;/em&gt; has changed that is forcing her behaviour, that is not to condone it, I'm just trying to make the point that she didn't become a different person 7 months ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To directly answer your question of &lt;em&gt;&quot;how to communicate feelings and then stop communication&quot;&lt;/em&gt; with her, this must be very direct. You have already experienced her apologising, repeating her behaviour, and manipulating you emotionally. If you really want this to be your final conversation with her and break all ties, you could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We have already talked several times about your recent behaviour, your&#xA;  lack of communication, and the deceptions that you have admitted to.&#xA;  This behaviour is hurting me. I've allowed enough time for this to&#xA;  change, and it hasn't, so I'm afraid we need to cut all ties. I don't&#xA;  want to communicate with you any longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One possibility is that she may accept it, and you both move on. But given her past reactions it is more likely she will try and rescue the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need to be prepared for is that if you are as direct and final as I have advised, this may prompt her to open up more than she has previously. You might actually discover what is really going on with her - what may have happened or changed 7 months ago. How you handle this is of course your call. If her behaviour of late has completely killed any relationship you had then perhaps you should walk away regardless. But if you have been holding on to the hope of her returning to her old self this long, it may actually be possible to address the root cause of your problems &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; and only if she is completely transparent with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T10:00:17.030" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10875" CreationDate="2018-02-23T10:52:54.253" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just want to know how to organically convey all my feelings and explain to her that I personally need to stop all communication with her (I am feeling emotionally and physically used).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seven months have passed since her personality change. You gave her all the time to think, but all the chances you provided her didn't work; they only served her as a way to be blind to what you were trying to communicate. She escaped all your attempts of talking with her, she was deaf to your requests of reciprocity, she even lied to you. I think it's really time to &lt;strong&gt;break up with her&lt;/strong&gt;, otherwise your well being is going to be compromised. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but I believe that this is the moment to use one. You already tried &quot;soft techniques&quot; a lot of time, so this is time to change strategy. Send her a message saying that you want to talk with her, and that you will wait some days (I recommend that you specify the exact number) for her to show up, answer and find a moment for you. Do not give her second chances or ways to chicken out: state that &lt;strong&gt;if she doesn't, that will be the last message she gets from you&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More importantly, if she does not answer or makes up excuses, &lt;strong&gt;do not write to her.&lt;/strong&gt; You admit that she's good in manipulating you. Do not give her room to try to do it again. Compromising didn't work in getting an answer out of her, hold firm instead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see probable that she will escape this message as well. Just let some days pass and &lt;strong&gt;write her a mail&lt;/strong&gt; explaining the reasons why you're breaking up with her -- the lack of communication and honesty, the non-reciprocity of attentions, the constant excape etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, on the other hand, she agrees in talking with you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This could sound like a strange advice, but &lt;strong&gt;meet her in a public place&lt;/strong&gt;, such as a square or a bar. I find it easier to not be controlled by somebody if I'm not alone with them. Do not meet in your house: if you want to stand up and walk away, you want to be able to do so. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;State that you need to tell her some things about the last months of your relationship &lt;strong&gt;without being interrupted&lt;/strong&gt;. It may be that in order to efficiently convey your message, you need some &quot;warm-up time&quot; to word your reasons and to make your feelings resonate into your words. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;List her what she did and did not, followed by &lt;strong&gt;how this made you feel&lt;/strong&gt;. She may argue against the list of facts, which may be subject to interpretation, but not against your feelings. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is up to you whether to be open to dialog or not. I'd suggest the second option (I don't see how she should be able to have an honest dialogue with you after seven months of shutting you out of her life), but this is really your decision. I believe you want to know at least a partial explanation of what happened. &lt;strong&gt;Do not let this explanation shift your decision to break up with her.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm not saying she won't change; I'm saying that after seven months words are not enough anymore, and that she needs to &lt;strong&gt;show&lt;/strong&gt; her affection to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T10:52:54.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10842" CreationDate="2018-02-23T12:07:13.070" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are taking photos of people, and then uploading them onto social media (along with some description of the event and when you took them). Then, the people in the photos come along and take a copy of your photo, and use it for their own social posts / sites. Correct?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your agreement which states that you own the photos, are allowed to post them on social media, and are not entitled to make money from them, is with the event organizers, rather than with the people in the photos, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, it is perfectly natural that people see themselves in the pictures and get a sense of ownership, given that they are in the pictures. In short, they simply assume they can use the pictures as they see fit. They don't have an agreement with you, and therefore they (in their minds) are not doing anything wrong. Obviously, a healthy portion of respect for other people and other people's things, is missing, but that is so common nowadays that it is pointless to fret about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you share the photos, why don't you include a non-threatening footnote? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Here are the photos I took at the event last week. If you like them and want to use them, I would really appreciate if you mention that I took the photos, because every bit of advertising counts. Thank you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastEditorUserId="5653" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T12:40:39.980" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T12:40:39.980" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10883" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10782" CreationDate="2018-02-23T12:30:29.287" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I might be off target here, but would it be fair to assume that Penny and Kyle are both adults (or, at least, old enough to make their own decisions)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kyle doesn't own Penny, and if she is happy to go out with you (you don't even know if she is interested in you, right?) than that is between you and her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the case is that Kyle and Penny announced their breakup publicly, and privately decided to try again in a few months, then it is up to Penny to explain this to you - if she shares your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to over-analyze the world, and don't assume that you have to do the thinking and decision-making for everyone you interact with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T12:30:29.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10884" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10887" CreationDate="2018-02-23T13:37:57.980" Score="9" ViewCount="885" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother believes in astrology (not the scientific astronomy, but the apparent effect of stars on human lives). She recently found out that there's something weird in store for me this year after consulting the astrologer. I'm supposedly born with a natural 'affinity' for getting physically hurt, and because of this my mother won't let me go cycling, which is one of my favourite activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have anything against my mother believing in astrology, but I don't have any particular reason to believe it. I'm not atheistic, but I don't believe something that doesn't seem scientifically correct. However, if I try telling my mother that I don't believe in any of this, she turns it into a discussion on my faith in God and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I go about convincing my mother? I'm from India and 17 years old (not yet an adult).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is different from the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2883&quot;&gt;Arguing science with a passionate non-scientist?&lt;/a&gt; one because my point is not to discuss the scientific evidence or talk sense into the superstitious. All I'm saying is I don't want any of their beliefs to come in my way and stop me from doing the things I love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to add a little information: I know that my mother means well as I have a lot of important exams this year (which will determine where I study and then some more things). She wants me to be able to study peacefully and wants to avoid any risks. But on the other hand, I have one major recreation, and that is apparently taboo. That makes me really unhappy, and it doesn't allow me to study to the fullest... However, even sharing this point of view doesn't change anything. Any more thoughts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T15:22:40.490" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T05:34:28.057" Title="Convincing superstitious people" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10729" CreationDate="2018-02-23T14:06:27.033" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Use your friend as a medium of efficient communication. (It works well when we find it impolite, insecure or inappropriate to talk indirectly about some topics)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask him for a favor to ask his parents why they insist on calling you in particular way. My guess is that it is actually not a reason you already assumed but something different. To solve the problem efficiently, you need to know it for sure. (Their neighbor had got a dog with this name exactly, they don't feel free to use your nickname yet, they had got a baby child Frederick called Fred that died in an accident so it brings sad memories to them [I already experienced this case in my real life], they show disrespect by purpose etc...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He can also deliver them your feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you call Fred as Frederick? Do you know that he really hates that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4610" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T14:06:27.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10886" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10888" CreationDate="2018-02-23T14:24:59.307" Score="39" ViewCount="16667" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt; I am 23, studying in Switzerland. I have a really good relationship with my father. Often when I visit my dad(55) we go for a walk or just have a tea. We talk about all kinds of things and from time to time he will tell jokes he has told many times. This is boring and annoying to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal&lt;/strong&gt; is to make him stop tell these jokes, but &lt;strong&gt;without directly saying so&lt;/strong&gt;. Because saying something like: &quot;Don't tell me this joke, it is boring and you told me before&quot; is very offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I tried:&lt;/strong&gt; I tried numerous things which nearly never had an effect. He usually just proceeds to tell the joke. Sometimes he goes &quot;Ah&quot; and stops but that is rather rare and next time we meet he goes at it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not laughing at all at the joke, just lifting the sides of my lips a little bit in german &quot;müdes lächeln&quot;(tired smile)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saying: &quot;Oh I heard this joke before&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saying: &quot;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; told me this joke before&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Finishing the joke for him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think his intentions are to create a good mood and be funny. Now while I am not impacted much by this and the mood when we meet is always great and I enjoy seeing him, these joke have the opposite effect. How could I react to achieve my goal, but also fulfill his intention of creating a good mood? To me the mood is already good and we talk about interesting things no need for an old joke to &quot;lighten the mood&quot;. An answer from the perspective of a dad is very welcome, maybe I am misunderstanding what this joke interaction is about and a dad can tell me the story from the other side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; He also does this, repeating these jokes, to others as well. The jokes are not related to the topic we are talking, and often some random internet jokes you would find if you type 'jokes' into the google.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11118" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2018-02-24T04:29:27.813" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T19:12:17.223" Title="How to stop dad from telling the same jokes again and again?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10884" CreationDate="2018-02-23T14:26:45.510" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, if I try telling my mother that I don't believe in any of this, she turns it into a discussion on my faith in God and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to not make this about 'I don't believe you, so I want to cycle'. You seem to understand that she believes this, and have nothing against it. Now, one of the key things when trying to be persuasive is 'know your enemies' or more nicely put: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Persuasive&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;prepare for their arguments against you.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to talk to your mom about her beliefs in astrology. What exactly was 'predicted'?  What does she believe? Are your natural affinity to get hurt and the weird thing that's in store for you really related? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, try and connect with her. Don't say 'I don't believe you'. Act like you do believe her. Are the stars always right? How accurate is 'weird' exactly? Try and argue that weird can be anything. If the stars are always right, how will not cycling prevent you from getting hurt? If you're naturally inclined to get hurt, it would have been visible from birth, is there a serious track record of you getting hurt proportionally more often than other kids? How often did riding your bike cause serious hurt? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She wants me to be able to study peacefully and wants to avoid any risks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful/avoid pointing out that there's other stuff that can hurt you as well then since if you mention it, you might end up being banned from even more stuff (handling scissors, kitchen knives, plugging in a charger). A thing that might convince her is to take initiative on the studying, show her that you're perfectly capable of studying on your own. If you really want to go there, you can point out other stuff that hurt you, and point out that riding your bike did never do any damage that prevented you from studying (granted that you never had a serious accident).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask a lot of questions, and don't go demanding stuff. In the end, you may not succeed, because after all she is your mother and you're only 17. But maybe, if you ask these questions respectfully you'll get her thinking and change her mind. It's what worked for my mom when I was still young. If you're unable to convince her like this, maybe you have some practical arguments for the need to cycle as well? Like &lt;em&gt;'you don't have to bring me anywhere if I can just cycle there'&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;'if I'm not allowed to cycle, I can't meet up with my friends, it's limiting my social life and making me unhappy'&lt;/em&gt;. Point out the practical consequences of you not being allowed to cycle might help her realize that she's limiting something important to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stay calm, don't accuse her of being unfair, don't attack her beliefs. That will only make her feel like she has to argue harder, it will put her on the defense and you will not succeed in convincing her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to take a look at the entire &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Persuasive&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;wikihow article on how to be persuasive&lt;/a&gt;, it's where 'prepare for their arguments' comes from. It has some great advice on what else to keep in mind, I just highlighted this part because you said you told your mother 'I don't believe you'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T15:37:11.617" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T15:37:11.617" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10886" CreationDate="2018-02-23T14:32:38.357" Score="109" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's an aspect of this that you're missing: your father may be repeating those jokes because he thoroughly enjoys them, and because he feels that it's a sort of tradition/bond between the two of you. Perhaps listening to a couple of jokes you've heard before is not really as big a deal as all that, in this context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, have you tried simply challenging him to research new jokes? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, you told me that one last time. Tell you what, surprise me with a new joke, and lunch is on me. (or you win a beer, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you could make it a competition:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That one's getting a little old. Here's a new one for you: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;[tell a joke]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Think you can do better than that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This really shouldn't be a difficult conversation to have. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad loves repeating some jokes. Every once in a while we'll be doing something together when he'll - completely out of the blue - say: &quot;Listen to this one:&quot;, and then launch into the telling of a joke he's said at least a dozen times before. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;And he knows it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're both aware that he's telling it &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;because he enjoys doing so&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, so he's not expecting me to act as if I've never heard it before. However, in my particular case, my dad is usually laughing by the time he delivers the punchline, or at least smiling from ear to ear, and I find his joy at telling that silly joke (he's a super serious engineer type) so funny that I just laugh it up with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T15:04:42.570" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T15:04:42.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10889" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10891" CreationDate="2018-02-23T14:37:26.877" Score="-3" ViewCount="502" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other day at work, one of my female coworker from another team and I were working on a common task on my computer (we were discussing about our respective understanding of the problem we had to solve).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At one point (I was searching silently something in my computer), she decided to tell me (she looked enthousiast/joking/happy): &quot;Then, muscle man?&quot;&#xA;I answered: &quot;I'm not muscled, Peter (my desktop is in front of his) is&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that her sentence was at best awkward because among my team of 6 men, I'm the smallest, the youngest, and the less sporty (Peter does 1 hour of body building 4 times a week for example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What to answer to a compliment when you don't understand the intention?&#xA;Because, if I simply say &quot;thanks&quot;, it will mean that I take it at face value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4531" LastEditorUserId="4531" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T19:35:43.317" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T19:35:43.317" Title="What to answer to a compliment when you don't understand the intention" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-02-23T15:46:27.320" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10886" CreationDate="2018-02-23T14:44:32.900" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can stop him by &lt;strong&gt;completing his jokes and changing topic/resuming the previous topic immediately&lt;/strong&gt;. This kills it instantly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: -Ah listen to this good joke: there is a camel that goes into a bar...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: -Yes, and then meets the fish with shoes. I remember it as well, it really is a good one! &lt;em&gt;(smile)&lt;/em&gt; Now speaking about fish, how did you cook that fish that you caught last Sunday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No need to tell this with hard feelings or while rolling eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My personal two cents:&lt;/strong&gt; my dad has a core of puns that repeats very often. We (my brother and I) know them by heart, and I feel they have become a sort of family tradition. Of course they stopped being exaggeratingly funny some years ago, but that doesn't mean they are stale; instead, they turned into &amp;quot;how our father is&amp;quot; much like the shape of his nose or his voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are these jokes so unbearable to you that you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; find a way to stop your father? Or could it be just an innocent way for him to express himself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T19:57:16.693" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10889" CreationDate="2018-02-23T14:48:23.507" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you need to lighten up. Her comment could have simply been friendly banter. Or it could have been a sarcastic comment at your &lt;em&gt;lack&lt;/em&gt; of fitness. Or it could have simply been an awkward attempt to flirt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We simply don't know, and jumping to the conclusion that she's trying to manipulate you is a akin to making a mountain out of a molehill. In fact, it is far more likely that she was simply being friendly. Manipulation is usually a lot more involved than simply throwing out an empty, and clearly untrue &quot;compliment&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, your response to it was, in a nutshell, socially awkward, or at least decidedly taciturn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could have chosen to ignore the jibe, and simply addressed the technical query. Or, you could have replied humorously:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hold on, all the blood going to my biceps is making it difficult to think. &lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt; OR &lt;br/&gt; &lt;br/&gt; Oh yea, I'd give Schwarzenegger a run for his money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's (probably) no need to feel insulted, or provoked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T14:48:23.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10782" CreationDate="2018-02-23T14:55:50.763" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that some of the other answers cover the ground pretty well (particularly Amadeus').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I wanted to point out something that I think hasn't gotten enough emphasis: I'm not sure that &quot;forgiveness&quot; for asking Penny out is really what you care about. After all, you are intending to do so whether or not Kyle would be OK with it (in your question you said that if Kyle reacted poorly, were you to talk to him about it first, you might not ask Penny out due to your nerves and not due to anything he thinks or feels). And no, no amount of bland assumptions that he probably would be OK with it because they broke up on good terms is a substitute for talking with him to learn how he actually feels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds more like you want there to not be conflict over you pursuing something you want, and that sounds reasonable to me. Kyle doesn't have any claim on Penny's dating life anymore and the relevant issues are probably more around how your group of friends interacts in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know yourself much better than I do, and if your anxiety is such that this is the only approach you can take then so be it. But if you try an apology (rather than an approach like the one suggested by Amadeus) the apology should maybe be focused on your disregard (necessary or otherwise) for Kyle's feelings in the face of something you want for yourself moreso than the simple fact of trying to date someone he's no longer with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T14:55:50.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10894" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10896" CreationDate="2018-02-23T15:25:59.100" Score="63" ViewCount="24242" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a Spanish 26 year old guy. &#xA;I have the appearance of what people would call &quot;loser good guy&quot;, so when I'm hanging out (mainly at night clubs) it's really frequent people ask out for a cigarette (especially girls who make it pretty clear they are not trying to flirt, but just obtain a free cigarette). &#xA;Personally, I only like to give one either if I just feel like it  or if the person is willing to stay and chat and has an honest interest in building some interpersonal communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, a girl asked me if I could give one to her. &#xA;I said no, so she started looking at me with sad face trying to be cute (which she was). &#xA;I find this behavior highly manipulative, and that it may work with people that think that girls are machines where you insert compliments/gifts and it returns sex, but not with me, and honestly I find it highly offensive. &#xA;To me, it sounds like they're trying to outsmart me and I would like to tell that person something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, this might work with some losers who seek to get laid at any price, but not with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can say to someone that I'm willing to share as long as he/she's willing to do some conversation without sounding too snobbish?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6215" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T12:44:43.313" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T16:31:51.557" Title="How do I handle strangers who want to &quot;borrow&quot; a cigarette and give nothing in return?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;smoking-vaping&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10894" CreationDate="2018-02-23T15:41:54.283" Score="137" Body="&lt;p&gt;If what you are looking for is that such people engage in conversation, why not use their sad-face/pleading as a jumping off point for that conversation yourself?&#xA;Instead of saying 'That might work with some losers....', why not say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Does that usually work for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two ways it can go from there, either they will be puzzled and you can can carry on with something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know... that sad face thing. Does that usually make guys give you&#xA;  stuff for free?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then they know that you understand their tactic. If you say these things with a smile  and/or a raised eyebrow or a light laugh, rather than as a strong challenge then they might well make some sort of 'you got me...' response which can lead into enough of an exchange for you to offer them the cigarette quite naturally to prolong it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...or they might not respond in that way, in which case you are no worse off than you were before and that person is less likely to ask you again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you avoid calling people who do fall for the sad-face routine 'losers', or otherwise insulting them, they you should successfully avoid sounding snobbish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-25T08:42:40.307" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T08:42:40.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10886" CreationDate="2018-02-23T15:42:53.283" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have an interesting challenge.  You want to spend time with your father, but you want to do it on terms you define.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As we get older, we get into habits.  Our memory fades a little bit.  We tend to repeat ourselves.  We tend to stick with jokes that we've told before, both because we like them and because it's a challenge to remember new ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These jokes are a part of your father, whether you like them or not.  So, by asking him not to repeat himself, you're asking him to deny part of himself when you're together.  This is going to be hard for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that Swiss culture still commands a certain amount of respect for parents and elders, which makes this harder.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest using these to continue to bond with him.  Let him start the joke, and you finish it.  You may develop a closer relationship with him based on your ability to tell jokes together.  If nothing else, it's some variety and you don't listen to the same old one over and over - now you're an active participant.  That has to be better than listening to the same thing repeatedly.  You probably won't ever change him without a lot of effort on both of your parts, so accepting it and somehow working with it is probably the best option you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T15:42:53.283" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-23T15:43:23.670" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Use a feminine nickname&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might sound like a cop-out, but actually one of the easiest ways to indicate to people online that you are female is to use a feminine nickname.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apologies if I am showing my ignorance/prejudice, but I would assume someone with nickname &lt;code&gt;Trabool&lt;/code&gt; is a man. I'm not saying I'm right in doing that, but I think the majority of people online would react the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the flipside, I knew someone in another online community who did have a rather feminine nickname but was male, and often was referred to with feminine pronouns by other community members who didn't know him!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your goal is to show that you are female whilst avoiding embarrassment, this may be the easiest and most effective way to reach your goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9283" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T15:43:23.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10900" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10894" CreationDate="2018-02-23T15:44:25.273" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't need to promise them anything or provide any conditions on which they might get cigarette.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone comes to you and asks, do whatever your heart tells you at that moment. If you think that person simply wants to get a free cigarette, just say &quot;I am sorry&quot; then smile at them (I mean sincere smile). Don't be rude to them, and don't explain anything, just see how they react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone reacts harshly or gets angry then I wouldn't want to give that person cigarette anyways. If the girl becomes manipulative, just stand your ground and talk to her, joke around, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, you will learn to weed out people who are honest, open and don't come to you only to get free stuff. To those people you can give cigarette if you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13177" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T15:44:25.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10894" CreationDate="2018-02-23T15:45:11.223" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't pass judgement on their request, or their methodology. That's a dick move. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to remember that by changing from you giving them cigarette to you trading a cigarette for conversation you are changing the nature of the relationship. You will be re-framing the interaction from one between friends or at least friendly strangers, to a transactional one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the US there's an unspoken expectation that if someone asks for a smoke they're going to light it up then and there. This leaves plenty of room for conversation as you're finishing your own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like insisting on a transactional relationship is the correct approach, be clear about your intentions. Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Only if you want to talk while I finish mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it clear that this relationship is transactional and exactly what you are expecting in return for your cigarette. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T16:23:01.697" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T16:23:01.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10846" CreationDate="2018-02-23T16:20:34.303" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see the point in not being honest, but also &lt;strong&gt;be a little humble about the value of your opinion&lt;/strong&gt;. You're just one person. You aren't (presumably) a professional editor, and not every reader likes the same stuff you like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, my wife buys and reads about everything Mercedes Lakey writes. That means I read them all too. Some of her works is really good, but IMHO much of it is ametuerish and sloppily written. My wife gets really mad when I say that. But these are all mass published works from a very successful published author. So one non-professional reader having a problem with a book is clearly not the kiss of death.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plus, even if you have correctly identified a major problem with the book, there are professionals called &quot;Editors&quot; whose job it is to identify such things and work with the author to clean them up for publication. &lt;strong&gt;Leave such work to the professionals&lt;/strong&gt;. Its not your job. As a friend, you should be more concerned about being supportive of your friend so that they can get to the point where an editor can help them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd say something like, &quot;Its not my cup of tea, but its amazing to see you creating your dream.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T16:20:34.303" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10534" CreationDate="2018-02-23T16:50:11.957" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The gift issue:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;It is reasonable to assume that when giving you a gift she is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;trying to show you how much she loves you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;thanking you for being there for her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;releasing some guilt for when she does have to come to you for money&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;pleased to do something for you as you obviously do for her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears that you will not change her financial patterns and the emotional association that she gets from gift giving.  We learn our money patterns as a child and it is rare that many deviate from them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can continue to look at the gifts as an intrusion and irresponsible.&#xA;It might be better for you to change your view of what is really occurring.  We make the mistake in family of trying to fix each other that is not always needed or wanted. &#xA;This as an opportunity to embrace her love to both of you. To celebrate your relationship.  Let her feel empowered by giving back to both of you.  Let it embrace the power of family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The gifts themselves can be easy to remedy, once she leaves you can return them(offsetting the next loan) or gift them to a charity/food-shelf that can give them to another in need.  There are so many that need help.  Then you are really spreading her love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she mentions a gift at a later date, you reply that you love it or that you use it so much, or even that you used it and overtime needed to &quot;lend&quot; &quot;give&quot; it to another so they could be as happy as it made you, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Financial Loans:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you have the money with out financial strain &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she pays the money back (without constant reminding)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you know in advance(which you do) that she will ask for it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you can set it aside for her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you can afford to lose it if she never pays it back&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it stands now you have made a non-verbal arrangement, this is not necessarily bad, if you can comfortably answer the questions above. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You understand that she has financial issues that impede her ability to regulate them.  You sound as if you all care deeply for each other.  To see it not as an annoyance, but as a dynamic that everyone has flaws, this is hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If any of the above are an issue then you need to set down a time when you can talk about it before she &quot;needs&quot; the money and there is no immediate pressure regarding finances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your lives will feel better when you control what you can, embrace what you can, help others along the way, and ultimately let go when you need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13179" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T16:50:11.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10894" CreationDate="2018-02-23T17:25:47.087" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;As some other answers mention, it's easy enough to get a conversation in exchange for a cigarette: just be straight forward &quot;I will trade one cigarette for one conversation&quot;. It seems, however, that you want the other person to actually be interested in the conversation, and not treat the conversation as a requirement, chore, or something that can be beaten. &lt;strong&gt;If you want the stranger to be interested in a conversation, the onus is on you to be interesting&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no general answer to what people find interesting, so you'll have to do some work. Luckily, this stranger, let's call them Jessie, already let you know something they are interested in, your cigarette. So, start with something you know will interest them; immediately agree to give Jessie a cigarette, but also start a further conversation with them. Before actually handing Jessie the cigarette, perhaps while taking it out, ask them questions to try to find something that interest them. After you find something that both you and Jessie are interested in, and exchange a few lines about it, hand them the cigarette, preferably while asking another question. More than likely, Jessie will stay around for a bit. After all, you are in the middle of a conversation that they are interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this won't always work. Jessie might be in a hurry, or they might exit the conversation as soon as you hand over the cigarette. In particular, if you just can't find anything that seems to interest Jessie in a reasonably amount of time, hand them the cigarette anyway, and let them walk away if they choose to. Don't fret when it doesn't work; you haven't lost anything but a cigarette, which should easily be offset in the long run by the mutually interesting conversations you do have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, an example of how a (successful) conversation might go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jessie: Hey, do you happen to have an extra cigarette?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Of course, but humor me for a minute. (Begin taking out cigarette) Have you seen any good movies lately?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jessie: No, not really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Are you reading any good books?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jessie: No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: (Holding requested cigarette in hand) Well, are there any bands you like?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jessie: I'm pretty in to A Perfect Circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Really? Me too. (While handing cigarette) Are you hyped for the new album? What do you think of the new songs?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jessie: (Takes cigarette) Yeah, of course. Disillusioned is pretty amazing!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Need a light?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jessie: Yeah.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: (While getting out lighter) I really like the influence Puscifer's sound seems to have had on Disillusioned. I think it works really well with the rest of APC's style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13182" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-25T08:44:47.547" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T08:44:47.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10906" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10909" CreationDate="2018-02-23T17:35:10.667" Score="16" ViewCount="6695" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sometimes get together with some friends I have in common with a relative and in those events, this specific friend which I will name &lt;strong&gt;Bob&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we want to go somewhere, Bob always offers a ride, because he is the only one of the group that has a 5 (five) seater car. He offers it for free and always rejects any kind of contribution to gas and other related costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would be good and I always appreciate the kind gesture &lt;strong&gt;but&lt;/strong&gt;... he is not the best driver and I don't feel safe when he drives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I even comment with him some of the situations that happen in the trip but he just has the reaction of &quot;laughing it off&quot; and it didn't matter...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goals&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like Bob to know that I prefer to take my car (2-seater) to the place and I want him to know why. I would appreciate a graceful, non rude way to tell him. How can I do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I tried already:&lt;/strong&gt; Last time, I told him I would be there earlier because I had to buy some stuff and the mall (which I had to and it was the place where we would meet) but he offered to go earlier and Bob eventually carried us all there. This isn't the approach I wanted but that's what I remembered at the time...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6520" LastEditorUserId="6520" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T17:53:17.813" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T04:47:30.243" Title="How can I gracefully decline a ride from a friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10894" CreationDate="2018-02-23T17:56:05.960" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yesterday a girl asked me if I could give one to her. I said no, so she started looking at me with sad face trying to be cute (which she was)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she expects to snap her fingers and get free stuff just because she exists, this is &lt;strong&gt;because it usually works&lt;/strong&gt;. So, what can you do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give her a cig. You gain nothing (don't expect any gratitude), you lose a cig.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her off: It's cheaper, but you'll have to be rude, and you'll sound like a cheap whiner, so you lose at least one pride point, with +1 extra per girl who overhears, +10 if she comes out with a witty retort, and +100 if you cave in and end up giving her the cig.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Enter a commercial agreement (as other answers propose): Problem is, she's probably heard it already, she came for a free cig, you have three seconds to make a sale, and she's not interested, so she won't listen to anything longer than 10 words. So this won't work either.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, just flip the script, by saying something preposterous that nukes her expectations. Worst case, she runs off, best case she laughs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, you look cute like that, wanna buy me a drink?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, the mere notion that you would give her anything (except some of your attention) in exchange for being in her presence is so alien to you that what she said didn't even register. You're not here to make a trade or commerce with her like the other answers suggest. Also, you're not whining that she tried to get a free smoke out of you. You just ignore it, which disarms the budding confrontation. If she looks really sad, you can also try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Need a shoulder to cry on?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-25T08:52:02.627" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T08:52:02.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10906" CreationDate="2018-02-23T18:48:22.353" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Use your words in a polite, truthful and unequivocating manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but I'd prefer to take my own car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By not offering an explanation there is no way for them to argue with your statement. As soon as you say &quot;because reason&quot; you've left an opening for your friend to propose an alternative solution that still addresses your reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend truly is a poor driver then it would be good to tell them. If they keep pressing the issue after your refusal it might be a good idea to say something simple and direct to that effect like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't feel safe riding in your car. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Framing it in this way has you expressing your feeling instead of passing judgement on your friends driving, by not blaming him you are removing pressure for him to defend himself which increases the likelihood of a productive conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T18:48:22.353" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10906" CreationDate="2018-02-23T18:48:40.377" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in that situation before, and my explanation was that I simply don't like to depend on others for transportation. We've all been in situation where you've gone to an event with a group of friends, get tired, want to go home, but the group is having a good time, and you have to wait around such that you don't ruin their experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when friends would push me as to why I wanted to drive myself I'd say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; It's happened every now and again that I have to take off early, and I don't want to impose on you guys. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh, but it's OK! &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Thanks for offering, it's very kind, but I just like being self-dependent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gently stand your ground, and you'll be fine. It's not rude to want to drive your own vehicle to an event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T18:48:40.377" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10886" CreationDate="2018-02-23T18:54:31.820" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a similar problem with my dad.  He would tell the same stories over and over again.  They were usually &quot;cute&quot; stories about his children when we were little.  It drove me crazy until my brother told me he loved hearing the stories because he knew that at some point, our dad would be gone and we'd no longer get to hear them.  This gave me a completely new perspective and now I like listening to the stories, although this is getting more rare as he struggles with Alzheimer's.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize this is somewhat different than hearing jokes repeated, but since your dad obviously likes telling the jokes, you might want to approach it with a different attitude and let him have the enjoyment he gets from telling them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13186" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T18:54:31.820" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3610" CreationDate="2018-02-23T19:01:24.193" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't make someone stop smoking. All you can do is ask and apply social pressure to encourage them to change their behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best bet is to try framing your request as something asked between friendly people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you mind putting that out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's short, polite, and depending on how you say it, casts little judgement upon the character of whoever you are talking to. People respond poorly to strangers who point out their flaws. If you start by labeling them a rule breaker they already have a reason to dislike you and will be less inclined to do you a favor and stop smoking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of it like this; if a friend asks you for something reasonable you feel bad when you turn them down, but when someone rudely asks you for something it doesn't matter if it's a reasonable request. They're being rude, and you don't owe them anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T20:52:53.820" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T20:52:53.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10886" CreationDate="2018-02-23T20:05:00.830" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell him the joke(s) first&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound counter-intuitive, but if  you tell the &quot;same old&quot; jokes before he gets a chance to it might just clue him in. Alternatively if beats you to the punch, follow up his joke, with his second most frequently repeated joke. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've got a couple of the repeated jokes out in the open, mix it up with some new that you are fairly sure he hasn't heard before. If he tells a joke you haven't heard (or that he hasn't told you) be appreciative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T20:05:00.830" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10914" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10918" CreationDate="2018-02-23T20:09:56.753" Score="20" ViewCount="3720" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have just started trying to expand our family.  Last night, the topic randomly came up of who should be in the delivery room with us (if we are lucky enough to conceive) as my wife asked me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should we be alone with the medical staff or should my mother [my mother-in-law] be in there with us?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As this will be our first, I have no idea what is common - if this is a moment that should be experienced just with us or should others be in the delivery room with us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I convey to our family and friends our eventual decision about who should be around (and not sound rude/hurt anyones' feelings)?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13189" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-02-24T12:54:20.353" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T21:40:30.267" Title="How to convey who will be asked to join my wife and me in the delivery room without causing offense?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10916" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10906" CreationDate="2018-02-23T20:23:36.757" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep it focused to your personal feelings rather than a problem with Bob's performance as a driver. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey Bob, if it's fine with you, I'd prefer to drive this time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he fights it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm just a picky passenger, and other peoples driving usually makes me uneasy, so I'd feel a lot better tonight if I drove us to the event.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still insists on driving, consider one of two things...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be honest about why you will not be allowing him to drive you anywhere, but &lt;em&gt;kindly&lt;/em&gt;.  Use 'I' statements in the traditional &quot;I feel ______ when you _____ because _________&quot; to help illustrate your feelings without putting Bob on the spot.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Honestly, I feel unhappy when you drive me because I get nervous when you 'X'... I really appreciate you offering to drive, but I'd feel better and more eager to hang out tonight if I drove instead.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give him one more chance, preparing him with the knowledge that you're a sensitive/picky passenger and that you don't want to keep riding with him if he's going to do 'X' (whatever bothers you) while you're riding with him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If I'm going to ride with you tonight, could you please avoid doing 'X'? I know it's not a big deal to everyone else, but it's why I usually enjoy driving myself instead of riding with anyone else.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key in all of these quotes is that you are focusing on why &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are showing hesitation and not on the fact that you consider Bob a bad driver.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T20:23:36.757" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10914" CreationDate="2018-02-23T20:37:34.040" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;No matter what the two of you plan in advance once labor starts your wife is going to have the final say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably best for each of you to talk individually to your respective mothers. Your relationship is going to be closer which will make them more receptive to whatever requests you make. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of what you decide it sounds like you want them involved in the process at some level. Let them know this. The more they feel appreciated and valued the less likely their going to feel snubbed by potentially unequal treatment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should communicate your decision as part of a longer conversation. Ask them about their birthing experiences, any tips they might have, and advice on how to handle a newborn in the house. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide you want one of them in the room you or your wife should tell them as much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, it would mean a lot if you were in the room with us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide you don't want one of them in the room, but still nearby during the birth, tell them that. Don't frame it as a consolation prize, or a competition between mothers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, it would mean a lot if you were there for the birth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-02-23T20:49:37.713" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T20:49:37.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10914" CreationDate="2018-02-23T20:38:37.273" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to tell you a bit about my experience... it's only been 18 months, so it's still pretty fresh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what you do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Let your wife decide.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You invite them all to be with you at the hospital/birthing center/your home/wherever. And let them know as things progress how your wife is feeling and whether they're welcome to visit her (labor often lasts several hours in the hospital depending on how far along your wife is when you get there). You tell them that they may have that rescinded depending on how she feels. And they should be happy to comply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it. She decides what she wants and you make it happen. Recognize that what she wants may change every five minutes while she's in labor. So, the actual answer to your question is that you talk to your parents (all four of them if they're all around) and you tell them, up front, that it's your wife's choice and you need them to respect that decision and not gripe about it and that if she changes her mind, they don't get to gripe about that, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They tell you that part of labor (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.givingbirthnaturally.com/transition.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;transition&lt;/a&gt;) is loss of any sorts of feelings of modesty. I don't remember if that's true or not but I knew that I wanted to be safe and allowed to focus on what I was doing - laboring. If I felt that someone was hurting my ability to focus, they were out. And that was it. And along with modesty, it's quite likely that your wife won't have any issues telling someone to get out of her room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't about what's &amp;quot;fair&amp;quot;. It's about your wife being comfortable when doing one of the most physically demanding and &amp;quot;natural&amp;quot; parts of her life. If she's happy with just you and the medical team, great. If she wants that plus all of your parents and cousins and other family... ok! But it's her choice and she's allowed to change her mind without judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom was at the birthing center when I had my son and she was in the room briefly and being overly annoying so I kicked her out until she promised to shut up. She promised, and she was allowed back in and got to welcome her first grandchild with us, and our midwife. Everyone else met Bennett the next day or later that week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T21:51:43.800" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10914" CreationDate="2018-02-23T20:45:20.397" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, this is YOUR decision.  Some women want everyone possible in the room with them; others don't want the mob.  It's intensely personal and there's a lot going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some mothers really want to be there; others don't.  So part of this involves both potential grandmothers' reaction.  It's also a rule in OB-GYN circles that all babies are born at 5 am, so there's the time factor to think about if you're not going with induced labor/c-section.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, keep the first sentence in mind.  YOU make the decision, and YOU are the ones to call and say &quot;it's time&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd first ask what the moms' feelings are.  That will have some impact on this.  If they don't want to be there, and you don't want them there, then it's easy.  &quot;We'll call you when the baby's here&quot;.  If they want to be there, and you want them there, then it's easy.  &quot;We'll call you when she goes into labor.&quot;  The only hard one, then, is Mom wants to be there and you don't want her there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the relationship, that can be easy or hard.  I'll give the worst-case scenario: it's Mom's little girl and she feels she has to be intimately involved in everything, and your wife wants her to keep her distance.  Then I'd say something like &quot;Having a baby is pretty stressful for us; we don't know when it will arrive and we're going to have a lot going on at the time.  So please forgive us when we say it's probably not going to work out to have you there.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, there may be hurt feelings, but quite often those subside when then meet the grandchild.  Also, women understand how taxing childbirth is, so most women will support whatever decision you make.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly: what's normal for who's in the delivery room?  It depends on the country and the woman.  I've known people who had seemingly everyone in the room, and I've known people who insisted it be just them.  I'd ask the facility where you plan to deliver.  Trust me, any question you ask will be something that they've heard before and are ready to answer.  They'd rather answer a question you consider silly than have you do something silly because you were embarrassed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T20:45:20.397" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10894" CreationDate="2018-02-23T21:03:02.907" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want them to earn the cigarette with conversation, start the conversation. Smile, uncross your arms, reach for your pack, and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What's in it for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure it doesn't sound sarcastic. If you default to sarcasm for a sentence like this, you might want to practice in a mirror or try other phases like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you sure? There's a price.&#xA;  Ok, but not for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, this is a fairly open ended question. She may be offended, amused, or interested. Either way, it's an opening for her to engage with you and not your smokes. It's likely she doesn't get this challenge often, so she may reply &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you want?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From here, you can tell her what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Honestly, I'd just be happy with some conversation while we smoke. I'd appreciate the company. [reach out to her with the cigarette, keeping it kind of close to you] Have you been to this club before?/Have you read any good books/Do you watch {TV Show}?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point she can decide if she wants to to reach into your space and take the cigarette and stay, take it and go (stealing it, given that you've named your price), or not take it and just go. 2 of those 3 scenarios are in your favor (you get company or keep your cigarette), so the outcomes are in your favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T21:03:02.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10884" CreationDate="2018-02-23T21:38:04.183" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this would help you: you mention God, but not which religion you and your mum adhere to. However, for me, every time my grandparents would start with some superstition that annoyed me, I would point to the passages of the bible that explicitly prohibit superstition, in particular various means to foretell the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm trying to say is, your mother turns the conversation to your faith in God - then use this to your advantage. You're being handed a tool here. (The question of your personal faith is actually irrelevant here. It's easier to argue with someone on his terms than on yours.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T21:38:04.183" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8467" CreationDate="2018-02-23T21:38:04.593" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps try taking over the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you say, beat them to the punch: &quot;I was so delayed by traffic today! I guess it's because I'm so fat, I could have driven faster otherwise.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sure is nice weather! I'd enjoy it more if I weren't so fat!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I got a B+ on my quantum physics test. All that fat cost me an A.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few hundred times, they might get a clue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11221" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T21:38:04.593" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10122" CreationDate="2018-02-23T21:44:43.567" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that the key is in your statement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Even though I have experience with oral sex, I am pretty sure that she does not. So &lt;strong&gt;I don't know&lt;/strong&gt; how to explain it to her and &lt;strong&gt;how she can give me a good answer without knowing exactly what it is&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exactly! Her answer would have no value!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you are &quot;pretty sure&quot;, any answer she would give you would be just an answer based on her &lt;strong&gt;current&lt;/strong&gt; social and religious standpoint. And even in the western culture, where we probably speak more openly about sex with our girlfriends, oral sex is getting popular relatively only recently (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/human_nature/2008/05/openmouthed_wonder.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/human_nature/2008/05/openmouthed_wonder.html&lt;/a&gt; - the article is written by a journalist but he quotes quite respectable authors).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The successful long-time-relationship couples keep developing their sexual behaviour and practices over time. What a man or a woman likes now, they do not necessarily like in 5 years, and vice versa. Some women might need years before they start liking oral sex. Some women start hating it after some time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you should rather answer another question, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do I love her so much that I do want to spend the rest of my life with her, constantly working on building our relationship, and working on our common searching what we both like in sex and how to please each other? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And even more provocative question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do I want to accept her even if there is the risk that she will never start liking oral sex?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your answer is &lt;em&gt;yes&lt;/em&gt; to both, then you may start talking with her about oral sex. And do not be afraid. Because then you are ready to discuss it non-manipulatively, without her feeling pushed, without a gun at her head (&quot;I will not marry you if you don't like oral sex&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your answer is &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; and if the oral sex is for you something without which you cannot marry her, maybe it's time to find another girlfriend. I am not telling you that you are bad because of that, just that it means a certain priority in your value system and you should chose your life partner according to your priorities. However I am still warning you that your girlfriend liking oral sex is not a guarantee for a happy relationship :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13194" LastEditorUserId="13194" LastEditDate="2018-02-24T15:00:34.390" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T15:00:34.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10894" CreationDate="2018-02-23T21:49:35.590" Score="27" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can say to someone that I'm willing to share as long as he/she's willing to do some conversation without sounding too snobbish?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly you really can't and you seem to be misunderstanding the usual etiquette of asking for cigarettes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone asking for a cigarette isn't obligated to entertain you with conversation and most certainly isn't obligated to flirt or accept advances. Generally it's an unspoken rule that you get what you give. Smokers know what it's like to run out at an inopportune time, have empathy because they've been in that situation and help each other out when they can. That's about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to strike up a conversation, strike up a conversation, but this should be entirely separate from being generous enough to provide someone with a cigarette. It shouldn't be transactional. Making it transactional is very likely to backfire and lead people to think that you're manipulative, stingy, or just plain rude. People don't respond well to being taken hostage, or purchased in social interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying that you are obligated to give all of your cigarettes away; I'm saying that giving one or two away here and there is an act of charity. Do it as a charitable act, with some empathy, or don't bother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T21:49:35.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10756" CreationDate="2018-02-23T23:41:58.650" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you even need to correct people, then maybe those people have bigger problems? Personally, I tend to use gender neutral pronouns unless the person in question has a very obviously male or female name, or unless they specifically disclose their gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, I think it would be perfectly ok to just add a footnote to the conversation, should you deem it necessary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... by the way, I am a woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many cases, mentioning it would only be for your personal satisfaction, as I suspect a lot of perpetrators probably wouldn't really care one way or the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastActivityDate="2018-02-23T23:41:58.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10930" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-24T00:24:35.593" Score="5" ViewCount="792" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the scenario:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who had/has really abusive parents who are part of a tightly knit expatriate South Asian community from a certain minority ethnic/religious group here in our small-ish US city. She experienced the community as very toxic, and although she was born in the US, her parents have tried to force norms on her from their culture such as arranged marriage in addition to many shocking, flagrant examples of abuse that left her in a situation where being homeless after things came to a head with her parents was actually better than living with them. They still treat her in shockingly terrible ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'm very sympathetic toward her anger and need to vent about her community, but she does it by saying things like, &quot;Indians are the worst culture on Earth. Even thinking of my Latina friend, her culture has the toxic masculinity, but at least Latinx people are loyal to their own. In the Indian/Pakistani community everyone's trying to backstab each other,&quot; or, &quot;Punjabis--my dad's Punjabi--are known for being crazy aggressive,&quot; and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't been handling these conversations very well, since I'm torn between different desires:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Support and commiserate with her--this ends up with me (and I'm white) agreeing with these racist viewpoints, by, e.g., sharing stories other South Asians have told me about toxic experiences in their cultures&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Straight-up disagreeing with her since she's being racist, so I say things like, &quot;Indians don't all have the same culture, you're only from one specific community&quot; or telling her about really admirable South Asians I know or times when a South Asian I've known has explicitly taken the opposite stance of what she's saying Indians are like&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Defending the honor of the many South Asians I've known and loved, who've made my own life successful, like the Pakistani mentor who set my career up to be successful and the ex-boyfriend who helped me recover from rape-induced PTSD&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But regardless of which tact I've taken, she keeps on complaining and generalizing about South Asians, and I either feel like I've been racist or failed as a friend to care about and give space for her pain. I want to draw a clear boundary that I'm not okay with generalizing about all South Asians or dubbing some cultures as completely inferior to others, while still being available to listen compassionately to her own experiences in her community, the toxic cultural strains she's experienced, her problems with her parents, and what sort of culture she wants to live in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how can I change my approach to achieve this? And if she isn't willing to stop saying overgeneralizing racist things, how can I still be supportive without compromising my own ethics or feeling like I'm betraying the other South Asians in my life? Are there, for example, specific things I can say to reframe what she said so it's clear that I'm supporting her pain but not agreeing that how she's been treated is representative of all South Asian communities and individuals? Should I talk to her explicitly about setting this boundary, or just try to respond in a way that makes it clearer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13205" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T10:55:53.440" Title="How to respond to a friend insulting her own racial group?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-02-24T18:49:27.420" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10932" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10894" CreationDate="2018-02-24T01:09:20.687" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've very rarely bummed cigarettes. However, the thing is, if I do bum a cigarette, I feel like I'm already importuning somebody and the &lt;em&gt;politest&lt;/em&gt; possible thing I can do is &lt;em&gt;not bother&lt;/em&gt; them any further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if I asked someone if he had a cigarette to spare, and he said something as simple as, &quot;Sure, want to hang out and chat with me while we smoke,&quot; that would change the whole dynamic, and unless I had some pressing need to hurry, I'd probably find it charming and happily stick around, as long as it seemed casual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13160" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T01:09:20.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10930" CreationDate="2018-02-24T02:42:40.107" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A direct explicit conversation would probably be the better way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to get your point across when her temper is already high probably isn't going to go well... She's hurt, angry, and from the sounds of it, justifiably so. I'd recommend approaching the subject directly, but gently when she isn't already in the middle of a rant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend a more direct approach because it's often better not to hint around or try to be subtle when you're talking to someone about something so personal. Be gentle, but be direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you talk about your past relationship with your family and former community, it bothers me a bit when it comes out as a broad generalization about &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; south asian people. I know a lot of really good people, like yourself, who come from those cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for some push back. It's easy to self justify these kinds of statements when you've been abused by your own culture. I know I've definitely talked about &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; Christians or &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; Americans or &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; straight people when I've been hurt and let down by the community I was raised in... It takes time for wounds to heal, particularly the deeper ones. It's easier to say &quot;F &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; those people&quot;, than it is to say &quot;I was hurt by my own people&quot; when you're still angry, but as the wound heals and the anger fades it gets easier to address things without the hateful broad strokes. Honestly I still fail at this from time to time, but I'm a good bit better about it than I used to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T02:42:40.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10654" CreationDate="2018-02-24T03:16:04.343" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I communicate to this person that I really like her but that I am starting to lose interest because of the insanely slow pace of the relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your problem is not with &lt;em&gt;communication&lt;/em&gt;. Your problem is that the woman in question is simply not that interested in dating you. Think about it: if you were {insert name of Hollywood star}, would she find time to spend with you? Of course she would! But according to your own post she won't even bother with finding an appropriate excuse for herself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She seems to have loads of time; I can't make out why she can't meet more often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also wager that she's seeing other guys in the process and you're just one of the many options until she decides which date to pick for the long-term. Therefore your options are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop seeing her, or...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop caring about the interval of meetings, or...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start seeing other women in parallel while she's making up her mind&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last solution is what most young people in Western countries do nowadays as it solves the problem of putting all your eggs in one basket: if one date doesn't pan out for some reason there's always many more in the weekly queue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9110" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T03:16:04.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10886" CreationDate="2018-02-24T03:51:23.423" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pretty sure the joke is just a trigger for an happy memory : He's trying to catch the magic of something that happened before when he told the joke to you, or the joke was told to him, and that context is what makes him laugh. I don't think the joke is the point, but the vehicle. Especially if that memory is related to you, maybe it just reminds him of that cute face you did 10 years ago or something when he tells it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like how most in-jokes relates to the original event, and why &quot;you had to be there&quot; to get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe try asking him if that's why he does it; if it is, he can tell you that context and maybe you can share that trigger in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13215" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T03:51:23.423" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10884" CreationDate="2018-02-24T05:34:28.057" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's definitely no harm in trying to convince your mother that you won't be in danger going cycling, but this sounds more like a mother doing everything she can to keep her child safe. You would need to convince her that you're probably not going to die going for a bike ride, but I think there's another solution here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be easier, and possibly better, to respect your mother's wishes while you're living with her, or at least until you become an adult. Once you're an adult, go for a ride! When you're an adult you can show her that it's not as bad as she thought it was. And you never know, a lot can happen between now and then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13068" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T05:34:28.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10942" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-24T07:02:15.067" Score="1" ViewCount="650" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a young high school student that really like dressing up as a girl in my house when my parents aren't here I usually use my mom’s clothes but I wanna get my own too. I really don't know how to go approach a cashier with girl’s tights!  I really want a white pair but I'm too afraid that people will look at me awkwardly.  Most other people that buy girl cloths are men so they can say for thier. Wife or daughter but as a grade 8 boy what should I say?? And the other question may just be other cloths my question is how to not feel awkward when buying a pair of tights/pantyhose &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13222" LastEditorUserId="13222" LastEditDate="2018-02-24T17:37:24.913" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T17:37:24.913" Title="How to not feel weird when buying girl clothes as a teen boy" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;shopping&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-02-24T10:32:22.827" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10942" CreationDate="2018-02-24T10:27:48.193" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it makes you feel better, most people will probably think you're a loving boyfriend buying some clothes for his girlfriend :) And if someone asks who its for just reply with a non-answer like &quot;None of your business whats going on with my life&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13224" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T10:27:48.193" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10389" CreationDate="2018-02-24T10:38:35.490" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing which would help if it's possible (which it may not be) would be to go in a larger group. Is there another (non-romantic) couple from the lessons whom you could go dancing with? If so, by swapping partners for some dances you can send a non-verbal cue to people who are watching you that none of the party is fixed on one partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(As an aside, since you mention having a dancing partner but don't say how the lessons are structured, I'm assuming that you do swap around within the lessons and so that dynamic would automatically be present when you transpose to a different setting. If you don't, and need to persuade the others of the value of it, it's not good to always dance with the same person because you learn to compensate for the other's errors. Swapping partners is a good way to find out that you and the other lead, or your partner and the other follower, do something differently, and if you can't figure out who's right then you can ask your teacher).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another simple way to communicate a slight separation is to increase the level of etiquette. (Depending on the current level this may be something you should talk about with your partner first, so that they don't feel offended). Simply thank her for dancing, either after each dance or when she indicates that she wants to sit the next one out. If you can arrange to finish the dance within earshot of the person you were thinking of asking to dance next, so much the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4831" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T10:38:35.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10947" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10930" CreationDate="2018-02-24T10:55:53.440" Score="1" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Three reasons why she says these things against her own race:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She doesn't actually believe all the racist stuff she's saying, but&#xA;rather says a lot of things she doesn't really mean when she gets&#xA;angry or upset. Kind of like when a girl learns her boyfriend is&#xA;cheating on her she might say, &amp;quot;All boys are trash.&amp;quot; (even though she&#xA;loves her dad and brother)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your friend actually believes it because she only met a small amount of people from her own community. And her abusive parents have likely changed her&#xA;perceptions of her own community to torture her further.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Her views could also be a kind of trigger or defense mechanism for herself so she doesn't get abused.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;My suggestion (which is by no means a perfect one)&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest finding a time when she is happy or calm and not upset, and then gently and casually asking her something like &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;Hey [insert name], I get kind of worried sometimes. I know there's good people and also bad people in every group of humans, but I'm not really sure what to think when I hear you say 'All indians/pakistanis are mean/backstabbing/etc. I feel like we should not judge someone by their skin color&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Act like this is just a random conversation topic, like the weather.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mention that you often take spoken words at face value, so sometimes it leaves you feeling rather unbalanced when your friend makes a generalization about someone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Throughout the conversation you should keep in mind that this girl is a victim of abuse; she may even be traumatized and have mental health problems like anxiety, depression, etc. You should also try to listen to her more than talk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps and you get through to her. Forgive me if I sound like a robot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13224" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T10:55:53.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-02-24T12:08:29.240" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There seems to be some cultural differences between regions in how such situations are handled, so I'm not sure how well this advice can be applied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many people who don't call themselves atheists, they rather say &quot;I'm not too religious&quot;. They still feel culturally a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cultural_Christian&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;part of Christianity&lt;/a&gt; (and value its moral teachings and traditions), without believing in the supernatural aspects of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If being an atheist was the most important part of your self-identity, and debating/criticizing religion was among your main goals, then the best course would be to be open about it, declare yourself as an atheist, and stand your ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you are just one of many people who feel that religion is just not a part of their lives, the easiest way would be to just say you are not that much religious, and if the topic comes up, it's better to say you are not interested, rather than behave in a hostile way against Christianity (this would just invite even more arguments and attempts to convince/convert you). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if someone quotes the Bible, don't interrupt with a rude comment like how much of a nonsense you think the Bible is, but behave as if they quoted Star Wars or Tolkien (I know from the question that you would not interrupt like that, this is just an example, bear with me). For you it might have the same basis in reality, and people don't get angry when Tolkien or Star Wars are quoted (unless they overdo it). Accept it as part of the general culture, and accept the fact that there are people who are strong fans of it and people who are not. Only escalate if really forced to. Until then, you are neither a strong fan, neither an opponent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3081" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T12:08:29.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10951" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-24T14:26:00.580" Score="5" ViewCount="879" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in the IT sector and I believe in perfection and following industry best practices in my work. People in my team believe in delivering projects early and earning brownie points even if the project has bugs and the code is not streamlined. Somehow this practice doesn't go well with me, although I don't argue with anyone but instead follow my working style and try to ignore criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My bosses knows that I am doing things the right way but they try and mount pressure on me to follow the working style but also match the speed of others which is not practically possible. Now I am labeled as a procrastinator in my team and they are all the more cynical because of late a few industry gurus visited our organization and praised my work(long story). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel I am being pressed from all directions right now. Even my family and girl friend think that I am being an idealist and a fool. They want me to compromise my work ethics. Right now I am facing criticism and maybe looking at losing my job. My boss told me although I was doing things perfectly and that he liked my work but said I was being a negative influence being a procrastinator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to leave this job because I work for a reputed company and want to communicate my feelings to everyone so that they understand that I am not wrong in what I am doing. Somehow, somewhere maybe I am not able to communicate to everyone my point of view. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was my team I could maybe ignore them and their remarks but right now everyone is against my line of thinking. My boss, friends, girlfriend and family, all those who used to be my pillar of strength. I work for 12-13 hours a day but I am not able to satisfy no one. I feel like a loser right now.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I clarify that I want to keep up my quality of work, but that it takes more time for me to do so, so they don't think I am procrastinating unnecessarily?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13229" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-31T19:35:45.027" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T19:35:45.027" Title="How to clarify things with my team members as they think I am delaying projects being a procrastinator?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="10952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10951" CreationDate="2018-02-24T15:18:32.910" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good requirements-gathering phase should have listed a concrete set of deliverables for each project as well as a committed delivery date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your question, it isn't clear whether you are meeting the delivery dates for your part of the project, or whether you are not delivering on time. I'll assume that you're meeting the deadlines because I doubt you'd be proud of breaking deadlines, and I'm almost certain that industry gurus wouldn't praise that (there may be deeper issues, such as over-committing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the position I gather you're articulating is that you're using the time available, working hard and delivering higher-quality software than those who finish before the deadline. You can try saying something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm willing to work hard and to put in extra hours so that we can deliver the project on time and bug-free. Our team's experience has been that we either rush to finish early, or we use the full time allotted and deliver a quality product.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In each project, the deadline is set with enough time to allow proper processes to be followed. When we rush the project and finish early, it doesn't earn the company any more. In fact, if you include the time needed to debug the rushed work, you'll find that rushing the jobs doesn't save the company any time at all. As they say, there's never time to do it properly, but there seems to always be time to do it over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer to get it right first time. It may take a little longer, but I've shown that I can meet agreed deadlines. Doing things this way results in better software, which translates to better reputation for the company and hence a higher earning potential. This is a win for the company and a win for the client.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T15:18:32.910" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10953" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10951" CreationDate="2018-02-24T15:56:28.600" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If it was my team I could maybe ignore them and their remarks but right now everyone is against my line of thinking. My boss, friends, girlfriend and family, all those who used to be my pillar of strength. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to set out your priorities and think about what you really want. If it's perfection, you'll have to actually work a lot faster to get your work done the way you want. Being a perfectionist myself, I've been treated the same way during school projects, and I suffer even during some exams, as I'm trying to put my everything into them. This comes at a cost, namely, time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're sure that you &lt;em&gt;can not&lt;/em&gt; work any faster, it's best you make a few compromises in your quality if you want to keep your job and family life safe and secure. As an ambitious person myself, I don't personally like this option, but I'm often forced to do the same thing. I try to figure out a (realistic) action plan and then I work towards it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep the following things in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You have limited time and resources. Working for longer isn't a great idea, seeing that you already put in 12-13 hours.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The world is not an ideal place. There are things that are good to do, but aren't really feasible. Your ideology may be good, but your surrounding environment may not be respectful of that, as they see it as non-conformity and plainly rebellious.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;There are people who don't conform to these boundaries, and they are a very special lot. They look rejection in the face and laugh at it. They don't care what the world thinks of them. If you want to be like this, you should stop caring about what people think of you (&lt;strong&gt;This is highly idealistic and unlikely to solve your problem.&lt;/strong&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, you have to decide what you really want to do. That's your call. When you've decided that, then you can think about how to put the words together and get the message across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2018-02-24T16:30:14.227" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T16:30:14.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10914" CreationDate="2018-02-24T21:09:18.217" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find it strange that anyone other than the mothers, sisters, and father would be in the room.  That's probably antiquated today.  If anyone &lt;em&gt;expects&lt;/em&gt; to be in the room, that is also strange to me, but I would just tell them something like, &quot;we want to keep this small and within the family&quot;, or whatever group it is you're allowing in.  I'd be surprised if anyone took that the wrong way, but then, I don't have too many really close friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13241" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T21:09:18.217" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10914" CreationDate="2018-02-24T21:40:30.267" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Who should be there is: people who will help your wife feel calm, people who will help your wife feel less pain/fear/stress, people who your wife doesn't mind seeing naked parts of her own body, people who won't faint or throw up when witnessing bodily fluids, people who are otherwise healthy and safe enough to be around a newborn (it's recommended that any adults interacting with the baby have up-to-date Tdap vaccines). Anyone who does not pass all of these should be prepared to not attend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many hospitals have restrictions on the number of visitors who can be present in the labor and delivery rooms (to make sure that the medical staff can safely provide care as needed). These should be taken into consideration when making your plans. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as how people are informed about this, one option is just to not tell them you're going to the hospital. Related, tell them when you are going in and tell them specifically when they will be welcome. Blame it on hospital policy. Take the responsibility for your own parents (don't say &quot;You make Wife uncomfortable&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13242" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T21:40:30.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10122" CreationDate="2018-02-24T21:50:04.420" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to negotiate this is in a natural context of sexual intimacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you and your partner learn to trust each other and relish your own and each other's pleasure, your desire to satisfy the other's particular preferences will only increase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any attempt to negotiate a particular sexual practice like a business deal is likely to be a huge turn-off for many women, and therefore tremendously counter-productive.  This is especially true if the woman feels blackmailed, even implicitly (e.g. I will be displeased with you if you reject my sexual advances).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your description, it is way too early to know whether your partner will want to engage in oral sex of either type.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend that you view your sexual relationship with her as a special hidden garden.  You can bring out the best in your garden by tending it carefully: Take time to find out what pleases her.  Take time to allow her to discover what pleases you.  I'm referring both to specific practices (e.g. oral sex) as well as the where, when, how often, etc., etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more satisfied your partner is with sex, the better your chances in the upcoming negotiation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There could be some imbalance when one partner is more experienced than the other.  However, a sensitive more experienced partner will realize that there is a special joy in &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; playing the role of &quot;experienced teacher,&quot; and in allowing yourselves to figure things out together as you go along.  It can be helpful to check in frequently with the less experienced partner, to see how s/he is feeling, and to encourage her/him to take an active role in initiating and trying out ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cultural expectations and sexual scripts can get in the way of the partners finding a good balance between active and passive. Strong mutual trust is the key to letting go of these culturally-normed sexual scripts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T21:50:04.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10961" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-24T22:23:19.420" Score="-3" ViewCount="918" Body="&lt;p&gt;An old friend and I reconnected and I asked her out for coffee for a chance to catch up. It wasn't a date, but more of an opportunity to see if we still had the same rapport that we used to have. I'm not sure if she saw it the same way or really how she saw it at all, but that's beside the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to interact with her more often, and explore the option of dating her exclusively down the road which leads me to my current problem, what comes after coffee? I think it is too early to go into date-mode (though perhaps I'm wrong), and short of group interactions with mutual friends, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13244" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T23:35:50.807" Title="Had coffee with a girl, what now?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-02-24T23:36:14.540" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10962" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10961" CreationDate="2018-02-24T23:35:50.807" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't indicate your age. The younger you are, the slower you would probably want to take things, both for your sake and for the girl's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not start by giving her a call, and just talking for a bit? You could tell her you enjoy talking to her, that having coffee with her was great, something along that line, see how she responds. Unless the girl is rather young and inexperienced, she would probably get an inkling of where you're leading with this, and this would be a comfortable situation for her to tell you that she's not interested in anything romantic. If she responds positively, you could then ask something like &quot;what would you say if I asked you for dinner?&quot; Keep it light, so she can comfortably back out into &quot;let's just be friends&quot; without it being awkward, but if she doesn't, it's a date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to ask her on a date yet (it's not about generally too early or not - There are no hard rules. It's about how &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; feel), you can text or call, tell her you've had fun hanging out with her, and then ask her if she'd like to join you for some activity that'd be less 1-on-1: if you're hosting a party, invite her. If you're going bowling with some friends, ask her to join. Something like that. Make sure she isn't the only girl there, not all girls present are your male friends' girlfriends, and that it isn't a sneak double-date. That way, you can hang out, without it being an official date yet. A double date is another option you could go for, but if that's what you want, be open about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-02-24T23:35:50.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10886" CreationDate="2018-02-25T06:09:55.993" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have two options as I see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.Be honest. Put your hands on his shoulders, and tell him, with the&#xA;   compassion, love and respect you obviously have for him, that the&#xA;   same jokes over and over again are driving you nuts. Ask yourself how&#xA;   you would want to hear it, and do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been asked to expand my answer, so I shall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that hints, even blunt ones, have proved ineffective. What is left but honesty, or acceptance?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, authenticity and sincerity are very powerful. If a valued friend or loved one felt it necessary to tell me I was doing something that was driving them nuts -- and they have, believe me -- I would want to hear it with love and respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, human feelings and motivation are rarely if ever rational, and expecting somebody to react in a particular way, even someone we know well, to criticism is hopeful at best. I think that because of this, respectful and compassionate criticism is always the best approach. But there are no guarantees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If indirectness and hints have failed, and if unwilling to risk the possibility of an uncomfortable or unpleasant encounter, then what is left but option 2?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this is a better answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5476" LastEditorUserId="5476" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T19:12:17.223" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T19:12:17.223" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10969" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-25T08:58:48.697" Score="55" ViewCount="11247" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife never gives any hints about what she wants for her birthday (even after extensive direct questioning), but is sometimes disappointed that I didn’t get her the right thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This time, it turns out she wanted me to organise a surprise fun event for us to go to as a family (we have young kids). Besides presents, what I had actually done was spend the afternoon with our eldest kid baking a cake for her. This was wrong - not what she wanted at all. I can see that it wasn’t much fun for her during the baking process as she had to look after the baby which is a normal-day thing, not a birthday-day thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I avoid this happening again? How can I get a better sense of what she wants? Remember, asking isn’t enough as she genuinely doesn’t know herself what she wants. We had a row, and I asked her to give examples of the kind of thing she would have liked to do, and she came up with nothing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13262" LastActivityDate="2019-01-20T17:42:36.627" Title="How can I find out what surprise my wife wants?" Tags="&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10971" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-25T10:50:57.000" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Despite some comments, I believe the birthday of someone is the only day in a year that the universe revolve around him/her. it's a special day that must be special, specially when he/she is dear to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So plan in advance. read between the lines to know her and her habits, her interests, what makes her joyful or happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she hates ordinary days, make it special by change all the routines, like caring for kids or doing house keeping. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plan a get away if she like outdoors, or make reservations for some fancy restaurants in your budget, order a necklace with her name, and many more stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essential part is to show her that you care. show her that you care for her and her birthday on this special day by planning to do something unique. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7996" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T10:50:57.000" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10972" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-25T11:41:31.217" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Listen to her and watch her reactions the rest of the year. I am sure there will be lots of signs like maybe she mentions a nice dress in a shop or when you watch a movie together she mentions that she also would like to do this or that, ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should know lots of things she likes. She is your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And presenting any of those things she likes should make her happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I am not sure if she is happy with &quot;just&quot; one of those things or if she expects from you that you know exactly the one thing she wants most. If that is the case then you are in a different position because it will be very difficult for you to know exactly the one thing she wants. That brings up the question if it is possible for you to do what she supposedly wants. Or maybe she wants to have you in the position that you feel the whole year like &quot;I should have done this or that to make her happy, now I have to make up for that the rest of the year&quot;. Don't fall in that trap!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T11:41:31.217" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10886" CreationDate="2018-02-25T11:44:45.993" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First and most important you are NOT a bad person because you don't love all your dad says!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Some jokes can be a real laugh at the first time - and a pain at the x-st time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have already found your solution but let me give some thoughts anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you'd like to talk to your Dad about this, the mentioned Ah situation is a great hook to do so. Be honest, it's already spoiled somehow so it is a wonderful opportunity to ask &quot;oh Dad you see I've run out of options what to respond a long time ago. Would it be ok to stop that?&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You can prepare for this phrase, adapt it to your dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's great to let him enjoy telling jokes. But then he should enjoy the whole thing. Are you sure he doesn't feel embarassed when he notices the silence after his joke not only with you but with others too? Does he try to do better next time? Then he might like to hear that telling jokes is often funny only for the person who tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder why asking for the reason should be a problem. Isn't finding a reason the only way towards a change?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T11:44:45.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10295" CreationDate="2018-02-25T12:23:41.440" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's something to consider in addition to other answers. It would certainly be unwise to try to prepare her by distancing yourself from her beforehand without offering explanation. As I'm sure you could guess, this is highly likely to greatly trigger her insecurities in the run up to her exams, which is exactly what you want to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of trying to prepare her in an interpersonal way, perhaps you can try and encourage her to prepare herself by seeing a &lt;strong&gt;doctor&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;therapist&lt;/strong&gt; or &lt;strong&gt;counselor&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;before her exams and before you break up with her&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. I see you have tried to suggest this in the past and she has not. Perhaps you can try again and be more firm. You could even say something along the lines of &quot;I'm sorry but I'm really not qualified/ the best person to help you deal with these issues. I really think it would be a good idea to see a counselor.&quot; It could make a great deal of sense for her to seek mental health advice before her exams. It might help her prepare for them better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, I suffer from anxiety and low self-esteem myself. And to be honest if I was broken up with and I realized my ex had only encouraged me to seek medical help because they were about to break up with me (what I suggest) this would hurt my feelings. However with hindsight I would be able to see that it didn't actually matter that my feelings were hurt by this in comparison to the huge benefit of now having the support in place to deal with these hurt feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To summarize, it would be incredibly difficult to try to &lt;strong&gt;prepare the relationship&lt;/strong&gt; (i.e. the two of you as a couple) for a break up, in a way that is helpful. Don't bother trying. Instead try to encourage her to &lt;strong&gt;prepare herself&lt;/strong&gt;, by asking her to seek professional advice, which will be beneficial for her regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13266" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T12:23:41.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10975" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-25T12:29:53.643" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with both, birthday is a special day for a person on the one side. But on the other side even on someone's birthday we don't want to accept demands and rants only. This should change in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's behind it? You have no idea what she has in mind when she doesn't tell you what she has in mind. Make that clear to her.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Explain that if she wishes xy then she gets some sort of xy. Even if this xy is on her secret list of exceptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I saw a phrase in another forum, it said something like &quot;please explain your issue for those who can't read minds&quot;. Try this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T12:29:53.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10976" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-25T12:52:46.003" Score="71" Body="&lt;p&gt;Did you marry my first GF? She always expected me read her mind, and then got pissed when it didn't happen. I was stumped at first, but quickly learned how to deal with her. Also I'm gonna have to agree with &quot;masked man&quot; and &quot;polygnome&quot;, might change my mind if you add more information, but I doubt it. Let's review the evidence:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My wife never gives any hints about what she wants for her birthday (even after extensive direct questioning), &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Remember, asking isn’t enough as she genuinely doesn’t know herself what she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This was wrong - not what she wanted at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We had a row, and I asked her to give examples of the kind of thing she would have liked to do, and she came up with nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This paints a pretty bleak picture, and smells quite like the following tactic: give someone an impossible task, and belittle them (or raise drama) when they inevitably fail. It's low-key abusive, and certainly not a grown-up thing to do. Also, you hope to do the right thing, but since she didn't tell you what she wants, &lt;strong&gt;you have no way to know if there was actually a solution that would have made her happy&lt;/strong&gt; and this is what really drives you nuts. Perhaps she will reject it, no matter what you do... as someone said &quot;the only winning move is not to play&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thing to do is repair your self-esteem a bit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Besides presents, what I had actually done was spend the afternoon with our eldest kid baking a cake for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a cool thing to do and I'm sure the kid had lots of fun helping in baking the cake. I like your idea. However, I wonder what the kid's reaction was when your wife rejected the cake he had helped to make. Must've been disappointed. (Also read the first comment by AllTheKingsHorses: &quot;Problem is: it was the wife's birthday, so it should be her fun day. I have to say... making her do something ever-day (taking care of the smaller kid) so that you can go and have fun with the oldest on her birthda&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;FYI this is how my friends do it: they will drop hints on me and other friends, and then we will drop hints on their SO. So you can &lt;strong&gt;ask your wife's female friends if she dropped hints&lt;/strong&gt;. Also ask the kids. Basically ask everyone except her. If you both have hobbies that don't overlap, &lt;strong&gt;asking the friends she shares her hobby with&lt;/strong&gt; is a good idea. Maybe she's pining for a mudguard with yuge flames on it and stuff for her dirt bike, or something, and you'd never guess, because you're not into that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the best and easiest way. Even if she has no idea, her friends may come up with a good one. Or they may ask her and then report. People do this all the time. It maintains the apparence of surprise, while making sure you hit the spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that fails, then keep in mind that the way you have been doing it failed, so you need a new way. That's why you're here. There are several ways out of this &quot;give someone an impossible task, and belittle them when they inevitably fail&quot; tactic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Prevent her from setting up the impossible task.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Extensive direct questioning&quot; sounds a bit too much like interrogation to me, and in doing this, you make two mistakes: first, you annoy her, so she will enjoy watching you fail. Second, you place yourself in a subordinate position asking for her orders, which then allows her to lead although she has no idea what she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has no idea what she wants, then simply don't let her take the lead. If you do, then you're digging your own hole, and you accept the blame that will inevitably come, including for her own mistakes... I know, that's perverted logic, but it really works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A much better thing to do would be to not ask what she wants at all. Of course, you have a list of ideas you're thinking about, you asked all her friends, but don't mention them. She'll wait for you to ask what she wants, as you usually did in the past... and wait...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Her friends may tell her behind the scenes &quot;your husband is so nice, he asked us all how to best make you happy for your bday&quot; which also works in your favor).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point she will grow curious or worried, and she will be the one to initiate the conversation. Try to stay vague. The idea is to both motivate  her to come up with ideas herself, and to communicate that if she doesn't, you will do whatever you want. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tease it out of her, even use self-deprecating humor like &quot;Well, don't worry, I will honor my tradition of choosing the wrong gift, how about a potato this time? What? Everyone loves potatoes!&quot; Make sure to substitute the potato for whatever you want, but it has to be something you like, so you'd actually do it if she doesn't come up with anything better. But a potato is fine, too.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bait-and-switch&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's now dreadfully certain you'll offer a potato. Instead you organize something nice, but you don't tell what it is, and she finds out on the spot. This should calm down her controlling tendencies, since you're in charge of everything, and she doesn't know what will happen or where (it's a surprise), she will have to follow. If she rants too much you can cancel!... Which is why she won't. Just tell her what to wear and let her guess where you're going. You can do the full broadway musical if you want and you feel she deserves it, or bring her somewhere where all her friends will be waiting for a surprise party, or to the amusement park with the kids, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Fail gracefully&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How much you care about not fulfilling her expectations on her birthday should be about proportional to the effort she did on your own birthday. I'm gonna go on a limb here, but I'd bet all you got was a potato. So if she rants, just relax, you're used to that show...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T14:56:33.030" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T14:56:33.030" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-25T14:01:10.333" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;For a surprise, get her a rose, a box of bonbons, having a meal out or even ordering food, baking a cake with the &quot;help&quot; of the kids, picking her up at work...surprises do not need to be (too) expensive for birthdays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also get hints of what she wants as @Edgar says. But take heed not of what only she says. Looking when she stops to look at displays or enter shops, what she picks up to feel,  what she looks longer...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately mine has been giving (not so) subtle hints she wants a new mobile phone: got a mid-range Xiaomi for her upcoming birthday. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for other answer suggesting several days for birthday: here we usually do a small thing on the proper day if a weekday, give the present and a cake, and we postpone going out or celebrating with friends to the weekend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-02-25T19:08:20.930" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T19:08:20.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-25T14:13:06.567" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a whole year ahead of you to prepare for the next go-round.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The way some couples handle planning for special days is for the responsibility for planning a special day to be clearly in one person's hands.  You could start out by proposing that you take turns with this, and make adjustments together as you go along.  I suggest that you introduce this idea discreetly, without an obvious connection to what just happened.  In other words, wait until memories of the failed birthday celebration have dulled on both sides, and don't mention anything that might make it easy for your wife to connect the dots.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possible adjustments as you go along:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;how often you alternate roles&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;how much of an element of surprise each person likes to have.  The downside of total surprise, after all, is that the surprised one doesn't get to make adjustments.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes a person &lt;em&gt;thinks&lt;/em&gt; he wants to be completely surprised, but actually, he is happier when he is able to make adjustments.  It will be interesting for you to learn more over the next 12 months about where your wife really sits on this spectrum, and it will be interesting for her to learn this about herself as well.  The tricky thing here is that all the logistics have to be compatible with your responsibilities towards your children.  And that leads me to idea #2.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My mother in her old age hit on a really fun way of celebrating her birthday.  Instead of having one blow-out with all her friends together, she dribbled out her birthday, with a separate celebration with each friend or relative.  Dinner with her godsons on Saturday.  Movie with Friend A on Sunday.  Visit to the arboretum with Friend B on Tuesday.  Etc. Inspired by this, here's an idea you might try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next year, for your wife's birthday, plan several separate ways of celebrating:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The couple celebration: get a babysitter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The family celebration: do something all four can enjoy (e.g. a visit to the zoo, a game of mini-golf, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The family of origin celebration: you would be in charge of the children for this one.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The personal friends celebration: you would be in charge of the children for this one too.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the last two, I suggest you contact her relatives and her personal friends about a month in advance.  Explain that as one of your birthday presents to your wife will be a surprise get-together with her parents/siblings/girlfriend(s).  Let them choose the date (but check your wife's calendar) and the activity.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T14:13:06.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10979" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-25T15:42:30.917" Score="45" ViewCount="15317" Body="&lt;p&gt;We're currently having some work done in the back garden and whilst I don't have any particular reason to distrust them I do feel a little uncomfortable around the workmen. The other day I was just popping round to the shop and went out to inform them I'd be out so the house would be locked up (they use our toilet so thought it only fair to inform them). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response they told me not to worry about locking up, they would keep an eye on the house for me. Now this wasn't what I had in mind but I couldn't see, short of telling them I didn't trust them, how to tell them I felt more comfortable if I had locked up. I felt pretty on edge whilst I was out and didn't do everything I meant to to get back in time. When I got back I heard some pretty quick movement and just spotted one of them going out the back door when I got to the back of the house. I haven't seen anything missing and have no proof he was anywhere but the toilet but my suspicions are even higher now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I lock up whilst they are at the house without offending anyone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They'll only be here one more day so I'll probably just stay in but I wanted to know for the future and perhaps others faced with the same problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I can confirm that it isn't unusual in the UK to offer hospitality to people working on your property. Tea and access to the toilet are very common. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9319" LastEditorUserId="9319" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T08:22:36.387" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T20:50:27.623" Title="Locking up around workmen" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10980" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11259" CreationDate="2018-02-25T16:27:14.607" Score="6" ViewCount="1620" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have met people that use this pattern as a way to end a conversation as 'winners' when they have an argument with another person in front of others: they just yell their opinion at the one they are arguing with and/or interrupt the other person when it's his/her turn to speak. Dealing with such people is very difficult for me as I don't like to yell or be yelled at. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been advised to just be louder than them, but I don't see the point in shouting things at one another, especially when there's audience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: I was arguing with a colleague who insisted I do the work the way s/he thought to be the right way (the rest of our team was present, but none of them spoke a word). I tried to phrase my opinion, but the colleague kept yelling. I waited until s/he finished and then tried again, but the moment I spoke a word the yelling started again. The same happened every time I started to speak. I'm afraid that me tolerating the yelling made me lose face. I want to be respected by my colleagues as much as I respect them and prevent such situation from taking place in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is: given that I've been told to stand my ground in an argument (the boss might be listening or you don't want your colleagues to get the wrong impression) with a person that uses intimidation such as yelling in order to appear as being right: is there any way to try to get my point across without yelling back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T06:16:52.280" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T06:16:52.280" Title="How to deal with someone who is yelling in order to give the impression that they are right?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10981" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10979" CreationDate="2018-02-25T16:30:26.703" Score="98" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put the key in the lock, lock the door and say to the workmen &lt;em&gt;'I'll be back in 20 minutes.'&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with your current approach is that it gives people the time to react and tell you that you don't have to lock the door. &lt;em&gt;If you don't want people to take an opportunity/option that isn't available, don't offer it.&lt;/em&gt; Don't explain where you're going or why, just lock the door and go. Locking a door when you're going out isn't rude, it is a good routine to have for the safety of your possessions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be really friendly, you could unlock for them again if they state they need to go now, before you go. Again &lt;em&gt;if you don't want people to take an opportunity/option that isn't available, don't offer it.&lt;/em&gt; This, of course, carries the risk you'll end up with the same conundrum you're facing now, that of workmen stating 'oh, you can leave it unlocked'. At least you've made your intention of locking up a lot clearer by locking up and then unlocking again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since people are worried about workers confronting you or doing their business in your garden (assuming you have one), and you're asking about next time: if these things worry you too, &lt;em&gt;if you don't want people to take an opportunity/option that isn't available, don't offer it.&lt;/em&gt; So, if these things worry you, next time don't offer them the use of your toilet. Personally, I wouldn't worry about it though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T08:03:41.693" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T08:03:41.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10982" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10979" CreationDate="2018-02-25T16:41:26.680" Score="67" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having done some contract work &lt;strong&gt;in the US&lt;/strong&gt;, I can tell you that it's a little unusual to be working on the exterior of a property and have access to interior restrooms. In my experience we were usually expected to use portable toilets, or run to a gas station. Asking a customer to use their restroom, or to have access to the interior for non-work related reasons would be a little odd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say it's odd because generally speaking it's dirty work and tracking mud/dust/construction debris into a customer's home or building is kinda frowned upon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're allowing workers into your home to use the restroom, you're extending an unusual courtesy. Given that it's a courtesy and not a given, it's completely reasonable to set limitations that you're comfortable with. Given that it's really unusual to give strangers unsupervised access to your home, locking up before you leave is also completely reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also remember that you're a customer in this situation. These workers aren't friends, or guests, they're being paid to do a job. So it's also reasonable to expect a certain amount of customer service etiquette. If you tell them that you're heading to the shops and are going to lock up, and they say that you don't need to, it's completely fine to tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for offering to keep an eye out, but I'll be locking up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point any push back would be crossing professional boundaries. Basically it would be unprofessional and rude to insist on having access to your home when you've already told them that you'll be locking up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To offer a little personal experience, I've been on a number of jobs where we had to schedule work around the availability and patience of the customer. They didn't want workers on the property when nobody was there, and as professionals we had to abide by that if we wanted the contract.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T03:05:01.383" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T03:05:01.383" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10983" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10980" CreationDate="2018-02-25T17:42:54.583" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't &quot;HAVE TO&quot; stand your ground, and it is certainly not a &quot;given&quot;. You can always walk away from the argument. In fact, when the other person starts yelling, that is what you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; do. Anything you say to try to stop them from yelling (&quot;Please don't yell at me.&quot;, etc.) will likely only make them yell louder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot &quot;win&quot; an argument when the other person has started yelling, because they are no longer interested in reasoning. Besides, winning an argument is not exactly something to feel proud of anyway. I am willing to bet none of the arguments in your &lt;em&gt;entire life&lt;/em&gt; are so important that letting it go would have adverse consequences that you cannot recover from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If settling the issue is really that important, walk away from the argument and continue the discussion later when the other person has calmed down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember life is short, don't waste it fighting unnecessary battles, or as I like to put it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Never let go of an opportunity to let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="141" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T17:42:54.583" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10984" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-25T17:52:06.250" Score="8" ViewCount="1346" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm Israeli. I travel to the UK about twice a year. I generally try to be polite and pleasant around people, so very often a smiling waitress in a café or an assistant in a shop would ask me where I'm from. It's a safe question, right? Like the weather.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then I say I'm from Israel. And the smiles drop. And the pleasant service with them. I've had checks handed to me before I asked for them and when I was still considering to order something else. I've had assistants in clothes stores suddenly becoming busy with another customer, or changing with another assistant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I respond to such situations? I mean, refusing someone service because of who they are is the very epitome of racism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My desired outcome would be waiters, assistants etc. not doing that. Do I confront them, ask something like &quot;Have I done something that upsets you? Why wouldn't you help me any more?&quot; Do I just give up, grin and bear it, the way my ancestors did for generations? Do I have other options available to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The one thing I'm not prepared to do is say I'm from somewhere else. I'm proud of where I come from, I will not hide it like I'm ashamed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2018-02-25T21:25:44.627" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T12:45:56.057" Title="How to deal with racism in shops and restaurants?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;&lt;israel&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10986" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="10988" CreationDate="2018-02-25T19:21:38.030" Score="36" ViewCount="10399" Body="&lt;p&gt;Update: Someone recently requested I paint something, and I said that I'm short on time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was really painless&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you guys!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I paint to relax.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the office lunch break, I paint in my cubicle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I wish to be more outgoing and was advised to paint in the office mess during lunch break. Lots of people admire my artwork and I feel it is easy to talk to people this way. One person asked if I could paint a portrait of his son, and not knowing what to say, I agreed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily this person never followed up on his request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: how do I politely decline to paint things for other people without causing any ripples to inter-office relationships? I only paint certain subjects (relating to the Indian subcontinent), plus I only get a few hours a week to paint, and it is a pressure release for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12671" LastEditorUserId="12671" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T15:59:37.487" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T17:30:08.923" Title="How to politely decline painting requests from co-workers?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10986" CreationDate="2018-02-25T20:09:25.647" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can focus on why you paint:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I mainly paint at lunch time as a change from my work; I don't really do this as a major hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your coworker probably doesn't plan to bring his son to the office, so this should deflect the request on logistical grounds.  But if not, here's an approach I've used:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I'm not good at portraits.  Learning (type of painting you do) keeps me plenty busy already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that the person doesn't intend to ask for a favor and wants to pay you.  Doing business with coworkers can be a little risky (if anything goes wrong on one front it affects the other), and if you aren't already in business then having the money conversation can be awkward, especially when you're talking about a &lt;em&gt;piece&lt;/em&gt; rather than an &lt;em&gt;amount of time&lt;/em&gt;.  (I'm a musician, so when asked if I could play at parties I could at least talk in terms of what I charged per hour.  That's harder for a painting.)  If this is your situation, you can say that you prefer not to work for coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, I have a suggestion that goes beyond what you asked about.  You're doing these paintings at the workplace during your off time, and you're intentionally doing them in public for social reasons.  There are a couple ways that you can involve other people so that they'll feel like you (at least partially) painted for them, without taking on commissions that you don't want to do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One approach is: if somebody admires a piece you're working on, offer to let him take it to hang in his cubicle.  By specifying in his cubicle you're implicitly saying &quot;I'd like this to stay here at work&quot;, but you're still sharing your work.  If you don't care about where it ends up -- if you're painting &lt;em&gt;to paint&lt;/em&gt; rather than &lt;em&gt;to have paintings&lt;/em&gt;, then you could just offer to give it to him.  (I'm assuming here paintings that are faster works, not something you work on every day for weeks before finishing it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other approach is to involve people in the decisions you're making as you paint.  If people are around and seem interested, you could say &quot;hmm, should I brighten this part up?&quot; or &quot;I was thinking of putting a tree here&quot; or &quot;I'm not sure which color to use for this woman's sari&quot; -- and then ask &quot;what do you think?&quot;.  Even if you don't need advice, inviting input and acting on it can build that sense of connection that led you to paint in public in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T20:09:25.647" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10988" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10986" CreationDate="2018-02-25T20:13:25.790" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone ask you to do a painting for them it should be taken as a compliment - they obviously admire your work. So first, take it as a compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However if you don't want to do such a painting, you should be honest with them as to why.  To me it sounds like a few reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I only paint certain subjects...I only get few hours a week to paint, and it is a pressure-release for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I suggest being honest about it is so that the question won't come up again - hoping they have forgotten about something is going to cause you stress everytime they see you painting - you will wonder if they will bring it up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future I'd say something like this (of course phrase it how it is comfortable for you):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really honored that you would ask me to do that - thank you.  Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time to paint outside of breaks at work.  I do thank you for asking me, but I don't think that is something I could commit to doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that you accept the implied compliment, but gives a concrete 'No' with specifics as to why you don't want to do it.  If you try to be fuzzy or evasive or say yes and hope they will forget, it will cause you far more conflict than explaining why you don't want to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6236" LastEditorUserId="6236" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T23:52:27.087" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T23:52:27.087" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10989" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-25T20:29:57.477" Score="-1" ViewCount="658" Body="&lt;p&gt;Someone I know quite closely quite enjoys the attention of paramedics. She is an amputee, is currently unemployed, and is very attention-centric.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time she has a minor accident, she calls over paramedics. What can we do to stop her doing this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12786" LastEditorUserId="6407" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T01:52:23.083" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T01:52:23.083" Title="How to stop someone in a wheelchair from calling in paramedics for minor accidents?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-02-25T22:38:13.963" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10989" CreationDate="2018-02-25T21:14:08.917" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Likely the easiest way to handle this will be the honest way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell them the truth:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you keep calling paramedics when it isn't strictly necessary, sooner or later they're going to get social services involved, if they haven't already. If it continues they may even force you into a residential care facility. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Paramedics tend to take their time and resources very very seriously and don't take it lightly if they feel like their time and resources are being wasted. Chances are pretty good that if they've been called out to the same address several times they've already made note of it and either already have had this conversation with them, or will before too long. Rest assured that if you don't want to get involved in explaining it, you won't need to. The paramedics will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T21:14:08.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10979" CreationDate="2018-02-25T22:05:33.697" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well it is true that if any theft happened while they were around, they would be first to be blamed and searched, and it is also true that intruders would be deterred by their presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However that is not the concern. What you ought to be protecting is your privacy and for numerous reasons. One is the obvious, direct protection of your own personal details and affairs. Another is protecting your property from compromise, such as identity theft, information about layout for future burglaries etc..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should go without saying that your home is private. Simply and firmly state that you are locking up and back shortly. It should be declared in a stentorian manner that does not invite dispute. The workmen are there at your behest, not at your invitation as though it was a tea party in your back garden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For additional security, install motion capture software on home computers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6092" LastActivityDate="2018-02-25T22:05:33.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10994" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10986" CreationDate="2018-02-25T23:09:26.350" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've seen this response online: &quot;Sorry, but I'm not accepting commissions right now. &quot; you can give reasons if you want, but it has been my experience that reasons only invite debate. You can add a &quot;thanks&quot; to this to show appreciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="3781" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T03:03:51.693" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T03:03:51.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10979" CreationDate="2018-02-26T00:48:55.283" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd simply thank them and still lock it up. If they bring it up again, you can also say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've locked it. Thanks for keeping an eye out, too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just take their offer as an additional benefit on top of the building being locked rather than a replacement for locking it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It frames the offer to keep an eye out not as a (mutual exclusive) alternative to locking up, but as a service on top. It offers a mind-frame that - if adopted by OP- allows to see this as totally non-offensive and thus alleviate OP of any guilt OP may feel. It also makes this (mis)understanding known to the workers, who then don't have a reason to be offended. Even if they meant for OP to leave the door open, it was obviously a misunderstanding on OPs part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastEditorUserId="369" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T20:50:27.623" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T20:50:27.623" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10979" CreationDate="2018-02-26T02:02:32.453" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's your house. If you want to lock it, &lt;strong&gt;just do it&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't wait for some randomer's permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it's polite to quickly inform them that you're going to do so, particularly so they can ask to use the loo in that moment if it's almost time. If they offer to &quot;watch the house&quot; for you, you have no way of knowing whether they're just being friendly (almost certainly the case) or whether there are ulterior motives, but it's absolutely trivial to just say &quot;nah, that's alright, thanks&quot; and go about your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything more than that and you're way overthinking it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9314" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T02:02:32.453" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="10999" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6764" CreationDate="2018-02-26T03:03:11.390" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I gather used postage stamps and related philatelic items to distribute to military veterans who collect them. Hundreds of people worldwide contribute packets of stamps to their local churches which mail the gathered items to churches in my city. From there, a member of the local church will drop off boxes and bags of accumulated donations on my front porch. Sometimes there isn’t a clear indication of which church congregation left the package for me and I have to piece it together from partial addresses on partial envelopes. Sometimes I get distracted by the death of a friend or something and I’m not as prompt as I should be in sending a letter of gratitude to the donor.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way they deal with me, and my suggestion: Leave a brief voice-mail or text, or mail a postcard saying, “I left a donation of____at your door two weeks ago.  With the ( stormy weather/problem of theft of packages on porches/chance that you didn’t see it...) I am concerned about whether you received the package and if it was undamaged. Please let me know if it was received safely.Thanks!”&#xA;This works! &#xA; I make sure I tell them immediately that the item is great and very appreciated and I apologize for being slow to show my appreciation and my slowness is my mistake, not a lack of gratitude. I ask if there is anyone else, specifically, that they would like me to contact to thank for their contributions.&#xA;I’m working at being more prompt and organized.  When I drop off a gift at someone’s door I’ve learned to tape an obvious but classy note to the top of the item that says:who it is for, why, and who it is from. This is working well, the recipients always tell me they received the gift and appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13291" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T03:03:11.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11000" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10979" CreationDate="2018-02-26T03:44:42.873" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with some of the posts above.  It's your house, you have the right and obligation to do what you want.  If you feel unsafe with strangers around, then do whatever makes you feel more comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are working for you, they are not your friends.  You should be respectful and polite (if you want to), but in the end, they are not your friends.  They don't see you as a friend either, they just want to finish up their job and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really don't trust them and you need to step out, you can do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Tell them you'll be back in 10 minutes, even if you'll be gone longer.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;2) Just leave and don't tell them you've gone.  That way, they won't feel comfortable if they're not 100% sure you're not there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to do the direct way (which I recommend), just be firm and respectful.  If you feel you're coming off as a little pushy, that's fine.  Better be safe than sorry.  We're men, we're a little crude :)  Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12050" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T03:44:42.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10951" CreationDate="2018-02-26T05:43:44.693" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I too am a software developer with perfectionist tendencies, so I understand what you're going through. My initial instinct was to suggest that in order to effectively work on a project with budget and time constraints, you'll need to work to find a balance between hitting project goals / delivering value, and achieving your personal beliefs about code quality / best practices; that you can either find a middle ground with your teammates, or you can find a new job - that those are the options available to you, but...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After I read your post through a few times, I came to an understanding that I don't believe you've come to see yet:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You're wrong.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry buddy. I hate to break it to you, but it's looking like that's the case. Your bosses, your teammates, your friends, your family, and your girlfriend - they are all telling you the same thing, and yet you still think you're right and everyone else just doesn't understand. Even worse, you delude yourself into thinking by being stubborn and firmly standing your ground, you'll eventually persuade, not just one other person, but literally everyone you know, to see things from your perspective and to admit that you're right and that they're wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you understand how unrealistic that is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to leave this job because I work for a reputed company and want to communicate my feelings to everyone so that they understand that I am not wrong in what I am doing. Somehow somewhere maybe I am not able to communicate to everyone my point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're letting your job, your reputation, your social life, and your romantic life all suffer, and for what? So that your ego won't be bruised? So that you won't have to admit that you've made a mistake, that you've erred in judgement? Take a deep breath. Realize that life will go on, but that you are wrong, that you need to accept this, and then take responsibility for all the problems in your life that your obstinate stance has caused. Apologize to those who you've hurt. Make amends for your wrongs. You're going to be OK. Your ego won't be though. This is part of life. We're all human, no one is perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In regard to how your bosses have responded to this problem, you write:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My bosses know that I am doing things the right way but they try and mount pressure on me to follow the working style but match the speed of others which is not practically possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Right now I facing criticism and maybe looking at losing my job. My boss told me although I was doing things perfectly and that he liked my work but said I was being a negative influence being a procrastinator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you considered why your bosses tell you first that they recognize that your approach produces high quality code, before following this with the problems that it's causing? Your bosses think that by addressing the problem with you in this way, that you won't feel as hurt by the fact that they're telling you that your approach to your work is problematic. They tell you this in a way that makes it easier to hear, thinking that you'll be less upset, and more receptive to their requests. Instead you take it as validation that you're still doing things in the right way, but that you've somehow failed in some other way: by not working fast enough or hard enough, or by not properly convincing people of the validity of your approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever the alternative may be, you refuse to admit to yourself or others that you were wrong. Instead you're internalizing the issue, saying you &quot;feel like a loser right now.&quot; You'll feel a lot more like a loser if you lose your job, your girlfriend, and your friends, and damage your relationship with your family simply because you can't admit that you're wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to write perfect code that you can be proud of - if you want to write code that you have full control over - start an open source project in your free time. This can help you practice these beliefs you have, your philosophy of how software should be created, while permitting you to loosen these constraints which are prohibiting you from meeting deadlines, and are causing conflict at your work place between you and the other members of your team. Realize that you are imposing these constraints on the code that you deliver at your job, and that your set of criteria for what you feel makes your code &quot;good enough&quot; to deliver are much more restrictive than the set of criteria set by your teammates, and those expected by your bosses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order for you and the rest of your team to work together amicably moving forward, first you'll need to apologize for any problems that you've caused, then you'll need to either (A) work to find a middle ground, or (B) accept that it may be time to find a new job more suited to your approach to software development.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe this team just isn't the right fit for you, and maybe it never will be. It sounds like you may have ruined any chance of salvaging your reputation with the people you work with. Maybe finding another job is the best thing for you and your mental health. It will give you a fresh opportunity to approach your work in a way that is conducive to reaching compromises between your idealism and the world's realism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bringing the focus back to this post, you asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I clarify that I want to keep up my quality of work, but that it takes more time for me to do so, so they don't think I am procrastinating unnecessarily?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't. Don't let your pride ruin your life.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13294" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T05:43:44.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10980" CreationDate="2018-02-26T06:04:56.503" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;When the other side is constantly interrupting, I often find it helpful to ask them if they have finished expressing their opinion. After they say &quot;yes&quot;, interrupting becomes much more unreasonable and you can ask again if they still do - at some point it just becomes comedic and embarrassing. And if they say &quot;no&quot;, they should continue speaking until they have nothing more to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a more general note, you can &quot;win&quot; arguments, but winning only means that your audience takes your side. So your goal is to look better than your opponent in the eyes of your colleagues - and yelling usually doesn't look good, so you have an advantage from the start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13299" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T06:04:56.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11003" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-26T07:29:00.027" Score="0" ViewCount="346" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live with my roommate, who is not a bad person in any way. However, it so happens he has issues keeping commitments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A typical conversation:&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: Do you want to go to X place at Y time.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Him&lt;/strong&gt;: Yes, no problem.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: Are you sure. If you are busy, no problem, I can go on my own.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Him&lt;/strong&gt;: No, no it's not an issue. I will definitely go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now as it happens, he has a habit of oversleeping and he has a better mode of transportation than I do have. I do not want to disturb a person who is usually sleeping, and sharing a ride with him decreases travel time a lot.&#xA;Based on that two situation arises:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation 1 - He does not want to go.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he does not want to go, he tells me at a moment where I am pretty much helpless. Using an inferior mode of transportation at the last minute is pretty useless - since I will miss the event anyway. I can not say him anything since it is his choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation 2 - He want to go.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now even if he plans to go, it means he is awake and he is going to go. However, I will still be late due his lethargic attitude to be in time. I can not say no out of politeness and to avoid confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, why am I interested in inviting him in the first place? I believe I am a social being and most of the time, I think that our interest might intersect. &#xA;That's why if I do not invite him, I feel morally guilty. If I do invite him there is a very good chance that I might be affected in some way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to my roommate that his repeated failure to follow through on commitments is bothering me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12411" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-20T11:49:42.853" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T11:49:42.853" Title="How can I communicate that failure to follow through on commitments bothers me?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-26T07:49:09.843" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think that she is intentionally ungrateful, when you give her something (that she doesn't want). She is just disappointed that you don't seem to know her (and hence her wishes) as well as she expects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer might be a lot simpler than you think. From what you say, she isn't going to give you explicit hints as to what she wants. However, if you listen and pay attention to what she is saying, you will no doubt start to pick up on what she likes (and, by extension, what she wants). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most times, this information will be extremely subtle. Things like comments about what other women are wearing, or what her friends have done, etc. Remember, you are not listening for what presents or gifts she would like to receive. You are listening for what she likes, and then you use that information to figure out what to get for her, or do for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The end result is that if you surprise her by giving her something that you know she likes, then she will be happily surprised (not only because of the gift, but also because it will reaffirm to her that you care enough to know what she likes) - even if she might have been expecting something different.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope some of this makes sense / is helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T07:49:09.843" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11005" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-26T07:49:48.337" Score="12" ViewCount="1881" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine celebrated his birthday a week after I graduated. I was seated on a table with a couple of mutual friends, and the host's neighbour. The neighbour is 18 and suddenly lost her father 3 months ago, leaving her all alone (the mother has died 10 years ago). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was obvious that she is feeling out of place at that party, very subdued and sad. I didn't know how to react to that, and decided to wait it out and just act normal. My friends started the topic of my graduation, and I was quite elated during the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The neighbour was just sitting there with hanging shoulders, not participating, which made me somewhat uncomfortable. I wanted her to feel less excluded since she could obviously not relate to the situation, so in a lull of the conversation, I asked a simple &quot;how are you doing?&quot;. It proved too much - she broke down and sobbed for quite some time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seemed to me that sitting together with excited people discussing a happy life event was distressing for her, that the contrast with her own situation increased her own feelings of sadness and loneliness. It was also awkward that I had not seen her since her father's death, so I had not had a chance to give her my condolences. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could I have done/said something to make the situation less painful for her? Preferably without having to hide my own joy of the graduation, and the pleasure of spending an evening with friends. I am not talking of artificially cheering her up, just sparing her the extra discomfort she seemed to feel from my behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3017" LastEditorUserId="3017" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T13:30:22.253" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T13:30:22.253" Title="How to act with a grieving person at a party?" Tags="&lt;parties&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11006" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10980" CreationDate="2018-02-26T07:58:40.117" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll answer this one as I'm a person who always used to yell in arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I saw it, the other party's argument was either irrelevant or not fitting for the situation. I often (thought I) figured out what they were trying to say from a few words, and then started talking over their voices, ignoring what they said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This worked until I met a person who was at least 10 times as loud as me, and basically trolled me about. After failing to get my point across multiple times, I decided to change my arguing strategy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understanding how the other person thinks is important. If they think that they already know what you're saying, and that nothing you say is relevant, they may stop listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep the following things in mind while arguing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to impose your opinion on them. Their way of thinking is inherently different, and the best you can do is to make them respect your opinion, not abide by it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Asking the other party to respect your opinion requires that you respect theirs. This means that you must carefully listen to them carefully and understand exactly where you two differ. Acting indifferent to them when they state (or yell) their opinion will make them indifferent to your opinion. The key to having a healthy argument is that you both accept that the other's ideas are equally important, and it's just that you choose to follow one of them, while the other follows another one. &lt;strong&gt;You can not get them to do what you want. That's their own choice.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask them to lower their voices, because what you're having isn't an argument, it's a discussion. It only becomes an argument if you both stop respecting the other party and it's views. Request them to hear you out, because your opinion matters too.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails, make a statement like @Tinkeringbell said: &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to add that walking away with a verbal statement is very effective though. Something like 'I'm not going to stand here just so you can yell at me, we'll talk later' works fine for toddlers and adults behaving like one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Walking away doesn't mean you're weak, and doesn't hurt your reputation either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't think of it as standing your ground. It's more like figuring out what you both think, and choosing the best alternative, which may be your way, or the other party's way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, this doesn't necessarily side the audience with you, but lets them choose what works best for them too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T07:58:40.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11003" CreationDate="2018-02-26T08:06:10.647" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;As long as he is unreliable, stop relying on him. If you want to go to an event that has a time constraint on it (like a concert for example, which has a fixed start and end time), tell him about it, but travel there on your own. If he decides to go, great! You can hang out together and probably catch a ride home with him. If he doesn't want to go, great! You still get to enjoy yourself, you don't get stuck missing out and regretting not going, and he also gets to do what he wants to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to inform him before you leave that you are leaving to go to the event, but that you hope to see him there. This gives him a reminder that the event is occurring, while also creating an opportunity to clear up any uncertainty around whether or not he'll be attending. If he is actually planning on going, he'll say something like &quot;Why are you leaving now? I thought we were going together.&quot; and you can decide to ride with him or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's sleeping this won't work, but being his roommate you likely know his schedule moderately well. If you think he may be sleeping around the time you would need to leave to travel solo, make a point of talking to him about the event earlier in the day, or the night prior. Phrase it like &quot;So for the concert tomorrow, I was planning on leaving around 4 so that I can make it there in time. Have you thought about whether or not you'll go too?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he gets offended by your proposal to travel separately, simply explain to him that attending the event is important to you, that you don't want to miss it, that you've missed events in the past because of him oversleeping or bailing on your plans at the last minute, and that you don't want to rely on him for transportation if there's a chance that he'll be unreliable. If he takes the hint and adamantly assures you that he'll be able to provide transportation, decide whether you'll take him up on his offer or not. The important thing is he'll (hopefully) realize that he's impacted you in the past enough that you're willing to leave him behind in order for you to enjoy yourself. YMMV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13294" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T08:06:10.647" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11008" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11009" CreationDate="2018-02-26T09:23:53.337" Score="190" ViewCount="62150" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 21 years old and living in a large city in Germany where smalltalk in local markets is not a common thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A new cashier joined my local food shop. She’s always at the checkout and never doing stuff like sorting products or cleaning the floor where I could actually ask her out. I am quite new to relationships, but the signs she gave me are promising.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is how I can ask for her number, or ask her out for coffee while she is only sitting at the checkout? I mean there are always like 5 people before and after me, and I think it would be awkward if we are changing numbers while customers are waiting behind us. Or even worse if I read the signs wrong and she rejects me? Since the store is just 5 min away from my place I visit regularly and don't want to leave a bad impression there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13312" LastEditorUserId="9283" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T15:10:38.513" LastActivityDate="2019-05-03T10:40:55.310" Title="How to ask cashier out for date" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="32" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-26T09:35:57.073" Score="332" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There joined a new cashier in my local food product market.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Question is how can I ask for her number, or ask her out for a coffe while she is only sitting at the cash point?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would strongly advise you do neither of these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what is your advice? Should I just hope that I will meet her after work at the parking area?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I'd even more strongly recommend not waiting for her in a parking area!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to see this from her point of view. Having worked retail as a female, being asked out is one of the most annoying things that can happen to a person, it can go as far as making her feel unsafe. She's working, and since she's working as a cashier, her job description doesn't involve being picked up by random guys. The only thing that the job requires is that the worker to be nice to their customer (most of the times). &lt;strong&gt;As long as she's doing anything related to her job (which does involve commuting to and from her home) you leave her alone.&lt;/strong&gt; I hope you have the common sense to not stalk her, to find out where she lives or what she does in her free time just to find a loophole and ask her there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a strong bias against guys bothering random girls in shops with requests for dates (speaking from experience). You might get the label 'creep' and you might find that your shopping experience will drop dramatically. She might even get her manager to deny you access to the store. There's a reason advances are looked down upon in these situations: it's not about the no/yes, it's about the fact that the likelihood of an honest answer being expected or given in such a situation is low, close to impossible. You have some power (even implied power) over a cashier with your ability to complain and get them reprimanded, or even because she'll be forced to be nice to you during her shifts even after rejecting you should it come to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The best you can do&lt;/em&gt; is wait until you at least know her for a whole lot of time longer and write your phone number down, and the next time you finished your business with her you give it to her with a verbal &lt;em&gt;'I'd like to get to know you, if you want to, send me a message. Here's my number'&lt;/em&gt;. Or include a &lt;em&gt;'Text me/Call me'&lt;/em&gt; in the note, and don't say anything at all (this might be more innocuous and have the same effect, since all the flirting up till now has been unspoken, you might want to carry that on). It puts the ball in her court, but at the same time provides some asynchronous communication so that she doesn't have to react if she doesn't want to (which is why I said 'don't ask').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure everything is paid for, and walk away immediately after giving her that card. Also, don't bring it up again, EVER. &lt;strong&gt;For me, this was the least offensive way someone ever 'shopped' for me, because due to professionalism I could just ignore it.&lt;/strong&gt; But if she's more sensitive, even this will upset her, freak her out and make her uncomfortable every time she has to help you again. So, &lt;strong&gt;I'd strongly advise against even doing it this way.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared, your number might end up in the bin with a dramatic gesture, putting you on the spot right then and there, you might be labeled a creep and denied access to the store, depending on how much this tends to upset her. If you get declined, however rudely, &lt;strong&gt;don't go complaining&lt;/strong&gt;. This will make things even more uncomfortable/annoying for the employee and might even cause her to face a reprimand at work if her employer doesn't fully understand what happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best hope here is to have a random encounter with her in a more social setting like a bar, where it is a lot more socially acceptable to offer someone a drink/phone number if they indicate an interest in you. Don't go forcing this or setting up though, because again that might just gain you the 'creep' label and might seem like you're stalking her however you do handle that encounter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;There's a lot of bickering over culture here: I'm from the Netherlands, female, currently 26 years old. I  have spent about 8 years working retail and training other boys and girls to work retail ( cashiering). I worked both  large city and small town shops. I spent time on holidays (and shopping) in Germany, I am familiar with how retail in Germany, in large cities, works. If the OP says smalltalk isn't a thing, I believe him, and it's another sign that flirting won't go over well.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-05-03T10:40:55.310" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-26T09:38:28.233" Score="84" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Don't.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being friendly is literally part of their job description. There's no way to know whether the &amp;quot;signs&amp;quot; you are picking up on are actually signals and not them just doing their job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself how well you actually know them. Have you had a conversation about anything that isn't related to their work? The checkout line isn't the place to have real conversations, let alone get your flirt on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's an implicit power imbalance between customer and employee. That complicates the process of turning you down if they don't want to date you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to ignore this advice and try to ask them out, you need to understand that it's highly likely that they aren't into you. Try to give them lots of room to reject your offer without feeling pressured to say yes. After they reject you, accept their rejection graciously. Always be on your best behavior around them in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do &lt;strong&gt;don't follow them after work into the parking lot&lt;/strong&gt;. That's borderline stalking.  You don't want to be banned for harassing employees who didn't want to date you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T03:56:26.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11005" CreationDate="2018-02-26T09:40:14.567" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everybody who grieves does so differently. There is no certain set of words that can bring comfort to everyone. One thing that a lot of bereaved persons say is that they wish others talked about the deceased &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt;. This isn't always the case in the very early days after a bereavement, but you say it has been 3 months. Avoiding the subject does seem to make the bereaved feel more isolated in their grief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it sounds like you don't know this person &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; well, as you refer to her as your friend's neighbour rather than your friend. Even though you knew about the bereavement, it would have been a bit weird for you to raise the subject, except perhaps to have offered your late condolences. I really don't think there is much you could have said or done to avoid her becoming upset. Likewise, unless you really knew her or the deceased well, it isn't really possible for you to say anything genuinely comforting other than platitudes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you were already sensitive to her situation despite not being particularly close. You attempted to include her in the situation by asking how she was. You weren't being insensitive by discussing positive things in your own life. In time, and with help from friends and family, she will be able to move forward with her own life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to revisit the situation - maybe check up on how she is doing since the party - you could say that you were sorry to see her upset and offer your condolences. Avoid platitudes. If you have any real-life experience of your own in this respect it can help others to know that they are not the only one going through this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T09:40:14.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11012" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10783" CreationDate="2018-02-26T09:40:32.340" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I tell her it's time for her to go home and whenever she asks for a reason I tell her that I do not like it whenever they are here because they control my life. I am 21 btw. She still asks for a 'proper' reason and I tell her the same thing. She refuses to acknowledge that she is controlling my life and uses the old line &quot;you're still a baby to us.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that you -are- still a baby to them. You're financially dependent on your parents who pay for your tuition (and perhaps your housing as well?) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to stop seeing your parents, you have to stop taking their money. As long as you keep taking their money, you'll never be able to tell them you no longer want them to visit. Once you are financially independent, you can set your own terms and conditions on when and how you want to meet your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look at it from your parents' side; you are unable to provide for yourself and they just found out you're suicidal. They have no reason to believe you'll be okay on your own. You are in no real position to make demands about how often they visit, because they'll just consider you unable to make that decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PS: Get help for your suicidal tendicies&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4666" LastEditorUserId="4666" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T12:44:12.593" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T12:44:12.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-26T09:59:06.683" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may have noticed where she most often goes shopping. You know what her hobbies are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get her a box of her favourite goodies and a gift token from the boutique or hobby shop in question. If all else fails an Amazon voucher is not wrong per se. You can write on it; choose yourself a film/book/device/jacket.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;edit: by goodies I mean chocolate or sweets&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastEditorUserId="1737" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T07:13:52.467" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T07:13:52.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-26T10:04:30.743" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you're not asking if you should or not but HOW you should ask her then I'd suggest you to try to ask her something like &quot;Hi, I was wondering if you'd like to have a coffee/drink with me sometimes ?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're feeling insecure because of the people around think about how it can make her feel too, either she agrees or not it will also put some pressure on her so try to do it when there's no one around, and be prepared to leave either she agrees or not. If she does, give her your number and leave, if she doesn't just leave and act like nothing happened, you don' want her to look at you like a creep or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an advice about how to do it, now keep it mind that people mostly tell you not to do it. &#xA;It's up to you to weigh the pros and cons and do your choice, make the one which will leave you with less regrets as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10828" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T10:04:30.743" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-26T10:39:51.473" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;This:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Remember, asking isn’t enough as she genuinely doesn’t know herself what she wants. We had a row, and I asked her to give examples of the kind of thing she would have liked to do, and she came up with nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggests to me that you might be reading the situation wrong. After all, it's not often that someone is so satisfied with things that they can think of nothing nice they want for a birthday surprise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'm not sure that I believe she doesn't know what she wants. I suspect &lt;strong&gt;what she really wants isn't a gift or surprise but a demonstration that you understand her well enough to pick a good one without asking.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also possible - as others have suggested - that this is a manipulative behaviour to control and belittle you. However, as a man, I would caution against assuming this is the case without a great deal more evidence. Men might ask a friend what they want expecting, and getting, a concrete answer. But in a relationship, partners &lt;strong&gt;sometimes just want to feel loved&lt;/strong&gt;, and the best way to show that is to &lt;strong&gt;show that you understand their feelings&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, when you say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can see that it wasn’t much fun for her during the baking process as she had to look after the baby which is a normal-day thing, not a birthday-day thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're hitting the nail on the head. Your mistake was not thinking in advance about how that might feel. Looking after a baby is ridiculously hard: they are constantly demanding and need constant care, leading to exhaustion and stress. While you had a lovely thought for a birthday surprise - a homemade cake - it seems to show that you don't understand quite how hard baby-work is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly - and this might not be what you want to hear - if this is the case the only thing you can do to make it better is &lt;strong&gt;thinking more&lt;/strong&gt;. Consider her situation, the things she has to do, and how that might impact on her day to day life. Then take the negative aspects of that, and see if you can think of a surprise that removes as many of them as possible in one go. For example, a family day out where you can spend some time together, but also where you can do most of the childcare, leaving her plenty of free time to enjoy the destination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good news is that you &lt;strong&gt;can ask about this&lt;/strong&gt;. Talk to her about the things that she finds difficult, and why. &lt;strong&gt;Listen to the answers&lt;/strong&gt;, and don't just jump right in with a practical solution. Then take that away, and apply it to the process described above. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a bonus, letting her you want to listen more about her problems, and try to think of ways you can help or alleviate them, might be a great way of showing you've learned from the row and are looking to move forward in a positive way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4801" LastEditorUserId="9314" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T12:27:24.847" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T12:27:24.847" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11017" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-26T10:50:50.887" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I understand the situation, and if you really want to know her and you think the signs look good, then I suggest go for it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you consider the following: Is she especially nice to you, or is that her normal behavior with many customers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also do a step in between. If you &lt;strong&gt;buy e.g. some cookies, ask her if she knows if these cookies taste good&lt;/strong&gt;. Or if she can recommend some better-tasting cookies. Or if you buy a bottle of wine, you can ask her about it. I guess you will soon find out if she answers e.g. &quot;I don't know and I don't care&quot; or if she answers something like: &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I love those cookies, I wish someone would invite me to eat them.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do this one or two times, you should get an idea of how she reacts. If she does not react then forget it. Asking her 10 times more won't bring a better result. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take it easy, look how she reacts and accept it even if she is not interested in you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastEditorDisplayName="user8838" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T02:57:14.523" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T02:57:14.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-26T11:03:53.750" Score="153" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find the other answers very unusual, which illustrates there must be some kind of cultural difference at play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I grew up (the UK) it is completely normal, typical and acceptable to engage in conversation with shopkeepers. Sometimes the entire queue could stop and simply have a collective chat with the shopkeeper about some random thing, such as the weather, and such spontaneous conversations take place frequently. I would even say that depending on the size and style of the shop (i.e. the expected level of anonymity and dehumanization :-) ) it is probably culturally accepted that if the person in front of you is engaging in conversation with the cashier, you politely wait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I live now, in Central European rural areas that latter point is the predominant norm. If you are standing in a queue and the cashier is chatting with the person in front, if you try to interrupt, you are considered to be either in a desperate rush (which would be highly irregular) or pretty rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think OP should probably take advice from local friends and ask what's expected there. This might be a Western European city, or an 'East' German village, who knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to tentatively engage in a light cashier-related conversation, even if it's just a &quot;Hello again&quot; and a pleasant smile. As the others have pointed out, you have got a bit of a captive audience and that needs to be respected. If she doesn't drive a conversation on her own initiative then stand down and shrug it off. I think the key here would be to respect the fact that she's stuck in that work place and just give her the opening and see if she responds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most smaller towns and villages the cashier or shopkeeper gets to know the local community through their role as shopkeeper or cashier. There is nothing in OP's post to suggest for example that he lives in a large city where the cashier is expected to be little more than a machine element. A simple &quot;Would you like to continue this conversation after work some time?&quot; would be totally normal and appropriate. She either says yes or no, and if no you honorably and politely take the rejection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6092" LastEditorUserId="4084" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T20:26:36.387" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T20:26:36.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-26T11:24:27.717" Score="92" Body="&lt;h1&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You could do it this way;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you could do, since you go often to that store, is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;start building a basic &quot;relationship&quot; with the cashier&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meaning; talking to her each time you go shopping, exchanging some humor and eventually get to know her name. That's not inappropriate at all and could happen in a nice way without putting her in an uncomfortable position. By doing this, you will actually get more insight regarding whether she likes you or she is just being polite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you have built a basic connection with her, you can leave a brief note (with a smiley probably) as others have suggested. While giving your note you could say: [while receiving your change] &quot;Thanks...and oh this is for you... You can read it later! Good day!&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you have written your number in that note, she will text/call you if she is interested, otherwise you should not try to do anything more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Try to keep your same happy attitude towards her whatever the result&lt;/strong&gt;. Staying polite and positive even if you get rejected will make her more comfortable rather than being sad or disappointed when interacting with her in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11962" LastEditorUserId="11962" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T17:59:24.233" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T17:59:24.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10783" CreationDate="2018-02-26T11:31:05.893" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know you have a bunch full of problems and your parents are one of them, but try to see the situation with their eyes at least a little.&#xA;They are very scared of losing their child. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You left for university (Are you the only child or the youngest? That could make it harder for them.). So they lost all the time they used to spend with you in daily life, you are gone locally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You attempted suicide multiple times. To them, that means they could lose you forever any second. Without a chance to say goodbye. You have been trying to leave this world. If you succeed there is nothing they can ever change. They cannot make you feel better, they cannot apologize for what they might realize they did wrong. This is final. Of course they do not want that to happen, so what they tried is &quot;setting up a watch&quot;. Your dad came to spend time with you (before it is too late, which could be any day, thus &quot;in the middle of the term&quot; does not matter at all to him). He could not &quot;get through&quot; to you, so I guess they decided it is now your mother turn to try to help and her way is not a short visit but &quot;staying there until everything is okay again&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are in the progress of changing your gender (from female to male, I suppose from the clues in the text, please do not feel offended if I got that wrong). They are losing a daughter. Yes, they are gaining a son, but this is not something they are used to. The feeling of loss is clear to them, while it is unclear what the future brings, what they could gain. I suspect they have not been in contact with any transgenders (as you describe their culture and religion) and they have no idea what else those hormones could do to you. They could as well make you suicidal. After all, people say it is chemicals in your brain that make you suicidal, and you are taking chemicals that alter your body. (I am trying to speak out of their parent's viewpoint, not my own perception of the process.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have lost track of your life and they feel like they are not wanted as a part of it. So what are your options?&#xA;One option that you can try if you want to &quot;regulate&quot; your relationship without cutting all bonds is to let them back in. On your terms. But make amendments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, without any doubt, get help for your mental health. And explain to them what help you are getting, how often you have therapy sessions, what medication you take. Tell them about the Kung-Fu classes you plan to take up (and take them up). Casually mention how your therapist told you they like your haircut.&#xA;Explain to them, what the progression into another gender means. What hormones you are taking and what the progressive changes happening will be. What the risks are and how you are in contact with doctors so the progression can go smoothly. If you are ready to put up with some harder discussions, explain to them (again) why you do this. That you still will be their child. That you plan on being a good son for them that they can be proud of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, all your parents are seeing is that things are getting out of control and you are keeping it secret from them. Get back in control and show them you are in control. They seem to really love you whatever you do. Even though they nag and complain, they are there to try and keep you from attempting suicide again. And of course, they offer their advice, they tell you what in their opinion would make you better. They do not mean harm with that. Show them you are working on getting better. And please, do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your relationship improves, it will be much easier to set boundaries on how much you see each other. Right now, they are in emergency mode. Your families &quot;emergency legislation&quot; easily overrides your right to privacy from their point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T11:31:05.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-26T12:01:21.483" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suspect answers can be highly different depending on the cultural context. For instance - southern Europe here - to me it's perfectly acceptable to engage in small talk with the cashier. I expect it to be more difficult in a big supermarket than in a small shop, but I wouldn't label this behaviour as non respectful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try &lt;strong&gt;going to the supermarket at different times&lt;/strong&gt;, e.g. very early in the morning, to find a moment in which the supermarket is emptier than the norm. You can engage in small talk then, without a long queue forming behind you. Start with neutral topics (the weather is an evergreen) and see what her response is. Do this some times. You can deduce from both verbal and nonverbal cues what her feelings towards you are, whether she's friendly because of her professionalism or because she actually wants to be your friend. For instance whether she looks at you in the eyes while answering, if her answers are short, if she asks you something as well, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly, if you see that she doesn't want to engage in a conversation with you, &lt;strong&gt;do not insist&lt;/strong&gt;. This is impolite and quite creepy. Remember that she &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; to be somewhat friendly with you, don't force her to behave friendly against her will with someone she sees as a creep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd advise against going straight to her with your phone number on a piece of paper without having some small talk before. To me, it'd come across as a creepy behaviour. I'm aware that Germans are renowned for being very direct people, though, so it could be the right move to do after all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T09:38:36.610" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T09:38:36.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-26T12:38:19.523" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Basically, I had the same problem as you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Here some tips that helped me really to find out what she really wants/wish:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Follow her shares in social networks(facebook, instagram..etc): the most of girls now shares something they like in social network.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her parents/best friend: alot of girls tell their mothers for example or best friend what they really wish to have.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Check her internet history (the best one which was working for me): you can look in her navigation history, retrace her online footprints, try to inspire from her favorite websites. Warning: you might see some searches you don’t want to see.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take her for shopping (a classic way): during shopping, it can be that your girl/wife see something and then she makes a reaction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T12:38:19.523" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10984" CreationDate="2018-02-26T12:45:56.057" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer their question with a question like: Why do you ask?&lt;/strong&gt; Maybe let them guess where you come from and if they say country x or country y ask them why they think you come from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think many of us have preconceptions about people from other countries, race, etc. The media is often one sided making up the typical German, typical American, etc. That is what people &quot;learn&quot;. And lots of news about Israelis shows &quot;them&quot; in not such a good light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a conversations with people without talking first about your nationality then people have time to make up their mind about you. Do they like you? Do they think you are polite? Do they like your jokes? Or not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And maybe after a while you tell them that you are Israeli. I guess some people will still go away and I guess there is little you can do to change these people. But there will be other people who had maybe a certain picture in their mind about Israeli people and after they talk to you they think something like: &lt;strong&gt;He is a nice guy and he comes from Israel and I learned today that there are nice Israeli people.&lt;/strong&gt; I guess that is realistically the best you can hope for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T12:45:56.057" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11027" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11029" CreationDate="2018-02-26T13:40:58.940" Score="31" ViewCount="7497" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was in middle school, I had a friend I was very fond of. The two of us (and a handful more people) formed a very close group with strong bonds. Most of all, what united us was probably our common aversion to things such as loud music and &quot;traditional party culture&quot;. This led us to have our own parties, usually very tame. We had a lot of fun and this became sort of a tradition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When high school came, this friend went to the dark side. She became popular in her new school and now throws the craziest parties, with the loudest music, insane amounts of booze and loads of new friends who love &quot;partying hard&quot;. Me (and all the other friends from the old group) haven't changed and we absolutely hate those parties. We are usually left uncomfortable in a corner, trying to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I avoid this friend's parties without offending her and also make it clear that I still like her and care for her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7550" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T01:47:57.860" Title="How to avoid a friend's birthday party?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10979" CreationDate="2018-02-26T13:46:59.987" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can very simply say that it's an insurance issue. In the UK you will probably find that your insurance company will not cover you if there is no sign of forced entry. That was certainly the case when we had work done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They should not need access for the loo. Any company worth its salt will provide facilities for its employees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13325" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T14:29:12.467" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T14:29:12.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11027" CreationDate="2018-02-26T13:57:22.467" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what united us was probably our common aversion to things such as loud music and &quot;traditional party culture&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So she probably knows that you don't like taking part in loud and large parties. You can &lt;strong&gt;remind her why your group formed in the first place&lt;/strong&gt; with no fear of friction. Make clear that &lt;strong&gt;it's not about her&lt;/strong&gt;, but about loudness, awkwardness, feeling alone etc. You may also tell her that you feel that your presence doesn't add any fun to the party. It's a lose-lose situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's why you can propose her to have &lt;strong&gt;two birthday parties&lt;/strong&gt;: one as loud and as big as she can, and the other with your group, in the &quot;traditional form&quot;. It's possible that in her eyes having two parties might look even better than having just one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to &lt;strong&gt;throw an &quot;organisation party&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; just before the big one. In short, you take your time to help her baking cakes, preparing games, decorating her house etc. This way you show her you care for her and for the outcome of her party, whichever style she decides this party should be. Afterwards, as suggested in the comments, you could decide to &lt;strong&gt;stay just for the beginning of the party&lt;/strong&gt;, when there aren't many people yet, and leave when the roaring crowd arrives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T01:47:57.860" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T01:47:57.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10951" CreationDate="2018-02-26T14:03:33.793" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As part of a team, it's difficult to impose your way of thinking on others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to assess what actual impact the early deadlines have on the product. It may be that it's no big deal. Your way of doing things may deliver above expectations, but with no real benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13325" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T14:03:33.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11031" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11038" CreationDate="2018-02-26T15:20:03.467" Score="4" ViewCount="837" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 21-year-old guy from Denmark, who plays in a band.&#xA;The band consist of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lead vocal (LV) 35&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Drummer (D) 42&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bass (B) 48&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rhythm guitar (RG) 54&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lead guitar (me)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;RG&lt;/em&gt; has been my guitar-teacher for 12 years. We have a strong personal relationship, as we've met and played a lot outside the music school.&#xA;He has also taken me to a lot of concerts with great artists, where we could share our musical interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have played with &lt;em&gt;LV&lt;/em&gt; in a former band, and we get along just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;D&lt;/em&gt; joined the band one and a half years ago. He is really talented, and I enjoy playing with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;B&lt;/em&gt; joined only a few weeks ago, as we needed a bass player, and I do not know the guy particularly well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reason I want out&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not really into the music we play (old Danish pop, Brian Adams etc.), and I want to play with a friend and a mutual associate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're all more into blues-rock in style of Bonamassa etc. and the music that I really find inspiring and like playing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't play in two bands at one time, as scheduling and concerts will interfere heavily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My band will most likely suffer from my exit, and I'm not sure whether they'll continue playing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question is:&lt;/strong&gt; how do I tell my band-mates that I want to go, in a respectful way, to play with another band and play music that is &quot;for me&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to be honest with them, and show them the respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13329" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T19:36:31.150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T19:36:31.150" Title="How should I tell my band-members I'm out?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11033" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11035" CreationDate="2018-02-26T15:36:20.647" Score="27" ViewCount="15516" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: I need ask for a refund without ruining a friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I needed to move out of my student apartment since I am not a student anymore. I did not want to move back in with my parents. My friend offered his bed &amp;amp; breakfast for 1 month. He couldn't rent it to tourists because the neighbors are having construction and thus make a lot of noise during the day. This is no issue for me because I need to work during the day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I was heading there to talk about the terms, in the street a stranger acts aggressively towards me. (hits random objects, proceeds walking to me to shout in my face in close proximity, +/- 1 meter, in a foreign language, aggressive body language). I biked away, hid somewhere around a corner, and informed the police. &#xA;A couple of days later, I told my friend that I was not interested due to the incident that happened in that street. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He asked me to come for dinner to talk it over. He assured me that something like that has never happened before, and that I have nothing to worry about. I believed him, so the deal was done. (In retrospect, this is the moment where I should have refused to 'talk it over'). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I moved in there and the first night was cold. I was scared at every sound from the street. Apparently the incident was still rather fresh in my mind. And I started to have a panic attack. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I called my father to let me please stay with him for now. I informed my friend that I was moving out of his apartment and I dropped the key in his mailbox. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an e-mail I stated that &quot;The money I gave you is rightfully yours, and is the result of my error in judgement.&quot;. This is what I want to go back on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This all takes places in the same city, so there are no high stakes. And I can miss the money, I just do not wish to. How can I ask for a refund politely? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Goals:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I let him know that I would greatly appreciate a refund. (it is no problem if he refuses)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give him no reason to be offended. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is in the Netherlands, and said friend has English roots.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12901" LastEditorUserId="12901" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T17:07:27.040" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T18:06:13.697" Title="How do I politely ask my friend for a refund on unused rent?" Tags="&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11033" CreationDate="2018-02-26T15:41:52.783" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, there is no way you can ask for it politely.  You made an agreement with your friend and then went back on it when your friend did nothing wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything you do will be interpreted as ingratitude.  As you said in your note to him, the money was rightfully his.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the question is, how do you politely ask for money that is not rightfully yours, but rightfully the person's as they not only did nothing wrong, but reached out a lifeline to you when you needed it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer is you cannot.  Any effort to do so will destroy the friendship.  Take it as a life's lesson and the money lost, the tuition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T15:41:52.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11033" CreationDate="2018-02-26T15:43:39.430" Score="152" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no gentle way to say this, so I'll be blunt: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;You had a business arrangement, and reneged.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend put that apartment at your disposal, however you acted on irrational fears, and decided to move in with your parents. That's not on him, it's on you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Had you been accosted again the next day (or even a week later), you may have concluded that it's an unsafe area to live, and that - perhaps - your friend did you a disservice for having not informed you of the true nature of the neighborhood before moving in. However, that didn't happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To now go back to your friend and ask for a refund would be incredibly rude. Take responsibility for your decision, and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T15:43:39.430" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11031" CreationDate="2018-02-26T15:58:31.487" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being in a band sometimes feels like being a relationship with multiple people. If you've ever broken up with someone, it can feel quite similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend specifically talking to RG first. You seem the closest to him and you might not want to deal with a barrage of questions from everyone immediately. I would make it clear to RG your decision &lt;strong&gt;has already been made&lt;/strong&gt;. Give him the excellent reasons you've given us here. Honestly, saying &quot;I don't enjoy this&quot; is &lt;strong&gt;more&lt;/strong&gt; than enough of a reason by itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After RG understands the situation, you should then announce it everyone else at the same time. You might want to enlist RG's support with this to back you up. Here's something I might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi everyone, I have something I'd like to say. I've thought very seriously about this, and I've decided I'm going to leave the band. It's been fantastic playing with you all and I hope to be able to play with you again in the future, but, right now, I'm not interested in the music we're playing, and I want to do something different. Thanks for playing with me, it's been a lot of fun :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I would personally shy away from bluntly saying &quot;I want to play with my other friends, A and B&quot;, because this could be misrepresented as &quot;I like these guys more than you&quot;, when in reality, you're more interested in the music. It'd be better to say &quot;My friends A and B are looking to start a blues-rock band and that really interests me at the moment&quot;, if you really feel you need to explain yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12726" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T15:58:31.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10979" CreationDate="2018-02-26T15:59:16.323" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say that I'm going out and have already locked up. As others have suggested, make it sound as non-negotiable as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say, &quot;oh don't worry, we will keep an eye out for you&quot;, point out that you trust them, but their main focus is the job of work, not keeping an eye out for unauthorised intruders, and that they would be liable if an intruder stole anything. (Or, as other posts have suggested, that it would invalidate your insurance.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally get my workmen either via word-of-mouth recommendation, or check that they are registered with &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.checkatrade.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Check-A-Trade&lt;/a&gt; or other similar professional body - that way you can have reasonable confidence that they aren't as dodgy as the ones you describe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8997" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T15:59:16.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11031" CreationDate="2018-02-26T16:28:05.330" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you have differing relationships with the band’s members, consider approaching breaking this news differently as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;RG you have a strong relationship and long history with. He knows&#xA;your musical tastes and it is quite likely that he will have seen&#xA;this coming.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;LV and D it seems you have a briefer and comparatively less involved&#xA;relationship and B is a bit of an unknown quantity.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thinking about what is appropriate in each of those scenarios I would suggest something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell RG first and privately, preferably not at a practice session or gig, arrange to meet him and let him know you have something you want to talk to him about. You owe him that respect and a one on one conversation between you about it can be more in depth than with the rest of your bandmates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure that you preface the news with an expression of appreciation  for your common history perhaps something along the lines of :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;RG, we go way back and I really appreciate everything I’ve learned&#xA;  from you and  the stuff we’ve shared. I really hope that what I need&#xA;  to say next isn’t going to change any of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gets across both the value you place on &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt; and the fact that you aren’t making changes on a whim, but because they are important to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is appropriate, you could then present your decision as being part of your maturing as a musician, which you couldn’t have done without his support and guidance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won’t try and script that because you know what is appropriate to your relationship better than anyone, but make it heartfelt, make it honest and also make it obvious that you assume he will receive the news with goodwill for your future ventures  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you’ll wish us well, man&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People like to be thought well of and often try to fall in line with good assumptions about them, even if they don’t entirely feel that way in the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear that you are more excited for new opportunities than focused on rejecting the old experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he takes it well, ask for his advice and possibly help in telling the &lt;em&gt;rest&lt;/em&gt; of your bandmates. It might be good to give him a few days to think about forward strategies for your old band before you tell the rest of them, if he takes that kind of role in the band structure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider also discussing with him at this stage whether it is best to fully leave the band as soon as you have told the rest or to offer to stay on for a while, if there are any upcoming gigs that would otherwise have to be cancelled. Just be careful not to get drawn into a rolling leave-date which never actually happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A band practice is probably the best time to tell the rest of the band, that way they are together and can discuss what it means for them once you have broken the news. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you actually word it will depend how you got on with RG, but be clear and concise. You need to tell them what you are doing, briefly why and that you wish them well:&#xA; ie. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you want to take your music in a different direction, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you’ll miss this band,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you can’t/don’t want to do both.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't enter into any debate on these things, just be assured and present it as fact rather than possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make  a special point of addressing B. he’s only just joined and has possibly invested a lot of confidence in the band and might feel that he’s joined up under false pretences. If there is some element of your own circumstances that have changed since he joined, that don’t relate to him, emphasise those. That way you underline to the rest of the band that you aren’t leaving because of B and B can understand that sometimes timing is what it is and no-one is to blame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, I suggest that you leave them to get on with the practice and discussing what it means next for the band, don’t hang around, it isn’t your band any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to stay in touch with your old bandmates, be prepared for the fact that they might need a little bit of time to be okay with things, don’t pressure them, but make sure they know where to find you if they feel friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T16:34:25.867" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T16:34:25.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10894" CreationDate="2018-02-26T16:31:51.557" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your best bet would simply be to say &quot;no&quot; to the request, since I think it would be improbably difficult to negotiate a trade of conversation for a cigarette without it being awkward or unenjoyable.  Forcing someone to talk to you in trade for a smoke seems like it would be unpleasant to me.  I can't imagine you'd get any good conversation from anyone under those terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe if someone comes up to you and strikes up a conversation first, then asks later on you could modify your response to a &quot;yes&quot;.  But otherwise probably your best bet is probably to stick with &quot;no&quot; and ignore the puppy dog eyes, cute or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11788" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T16:31:51.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11031" CreationDate="2018-02-26T17:12:22.087" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is true that some musicians take band break-ups &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; personally, and some of these guys might feel like you are letting them down no matter what you say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience of this (I'm also a musician) the people that will support you are the &lt;em&gt;creative&lt;/em&gt; musicians, that is the ones that perhaps write or like experimenting with new styles. They will more likely understand that you want to pursue something different. The less creative ones that just want to play covers of their favourite bands may be less understanding, because to them you're just stopping them from doing what they like doing. I'm generalising, but like I said this is based on experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can avoid telling them that you don't like their musical choices by sticking to your reason of pursuing something new. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Guys, I'm really sorry but I have to quit the band. I really want to&#xA;  pursue another musical project, and I can't commit to both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find &quot;musical project&quot; sounds a little less disloyal, like you're ditching one band for another. Of course don't be dishonest, if they ask &quot;is it another band?&quot; you have to tell them. But again you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's a different setup, and it is more what I want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is avoiding comparisons, you're not saying you're joining a better band, you're emphasising that it is a different kind of band.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a possibility that they will say something like &lt;em&gt;&quot;We could do some Bonamassa songs?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; to try and keep you. Be prepared to be firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that will soften the blow is if you commit to fulfilling any gigs you have booked with the current band.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T17:12:22.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11041" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11046" CreationDate="2018-02-26T17:15:59.977" Score="5" ViewCount="2154" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 19 years old male living in Canada.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, when I'm having a discussion with friends, two of them will start telling me something at the same time, each of them ignoring the fact that the other person is also talking to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually react by only listening and responding to only one person but I feel like that's rude to the other person whose statement gets ignored, especially since both of these people are good friends of mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;how can I answer only one of 2 friends talking at the same time without sounding rude or offending the second friend?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13344" LastEditorUserId="13344" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T19:35:23.290" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T02:15:38.587" Title="How to handle two friends talking to me at the same time?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11042" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11044" CreationDate="2018-02-26T17:42:05.060" Score="3" ViewCount="774" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the summer when I was 16 I decided to work as a lifeguard since the pool was located close to my house and it was very convenient. I eventually got used to denying certain items such as tubes and balls, since they obstruct view and interfere with work, and for the most part this was understood with the patrons. We did have the ability to make rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't believe it was stated on the rules that food wasn't allowed, but our management did want us to reject it. One day though we allowed a group to bring in food since they had a large amount of home-made dishes and they planned to host a child's party under the gazebo, which seemed perfect for the occasion. We would have felt bad for all the work they put into this day and they even confirmed ahead of time that bringing food wasn't against the rules. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following this though, more and more people began bringing food and mentioned the above incident when we tried to deny them. This lead to less sanitary conditions we couldn't handle while working and multiple bottles of alcohol being found. The integrity of the lifeguards was subsequently at stake too and it eventually lead to further disagreements between the guards and the rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should we respond to patrons bringing food after the incident?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6908" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T18:04:46.053" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T19:49:56.843" Title="How to deny food in the pool as a lifeguard" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11043" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11041" CreationDate="2018-02-26T18:04:57.027" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Rudeness is an important social tool when used correctly. In this case interrupting one of your friends to tell them to be quiet because you're trying to listen to someone else, while definitely rude, clearly communicates that their behavior is disruptive and not OK. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To get the most mileage out of your deliberate flaunting of the social convention of politeness, be direct, and clear. Interrupt, point out that others were already talking, and cede your turn. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T18:04:57.027" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11042" CreationDate="2018-02-26T18:13:16.793" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you have the ability to make rules: work with  management and the other lifeguards to change the policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Amend your current rules, and decide when the rule change will take place&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choosing a date in the future, rather than immediately enforcing the changes, gives your patrons time to react and adjust. (This is assuming there was no pressing food-related crisis, in which case an immediate reaction would be more understandable.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Distribute and post the new rules in the usual places (signage at the pool, mail to members, etc.)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will make your future requests to not eat by the pool seem more official and legitimate, because after all, it's in the rules!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Before the rule change date, make sure to tell people who are used to bringing in food.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I see you brought some snacks - that's okay for now, but I wanted to give you a heads-up that as of [date] we won't be allowing food into the pool area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say this in a friendly way, and hopefully they will be glad you're helping them not get in trouble. Again, this helps them get used to the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After the rule changes, enforce it the same way you would enforce other rules, like the prohibited toys.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, we recently changed the rules and aren't allowing food in now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can suggest an alternative place they could eat their food (like nearby picnic tables or a park?), it could soften the blow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If patrons get annoyed, you can always explain what you said here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We tried letting people bring in food, but we've had issues with less sanitary conditions and even bottles of alcohol being brought in, so we had to change the rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately though it's your job to enforce the rules, and you should follow your workplace protocol for that. &#xA;As JessK noted in a comment, everyone must be on board and consistent with enforcement, otherwise you will continue getting complaints about &quot;but I saw &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; bring in food...&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T19:49:56.843" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T19:49:56.843" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11033" CreationDate="2018-02-26T18:16:20.337" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Could you go back and live at the flat for the rest of the month? If so, it's not &lt;em&gt;unused&lt;/em&gt; rent, it's wasted rent and you've wasted it, not your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could approach this with your friend, but they likely wouldn't have made the offer to you if they didn't need the money over this period for bills and such (or they wouldn't have charged you the full amount they'd charge a tourist anyway), so just let it go unless you're truly desperate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already said it's fine if you don't get the money, and maybe you should try living at your friends again now that you know you've got the safety net of your father's house if you need it? That way you won't feel like your wasting the rent, and you'll learn to live with some independence as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="387" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T20:01:35.453" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T20:01:35.453" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11041" CreationDate="2018-02-26T18:57:06.060" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll tell you how I've seen it done, as I'm often one of the many people talking to, say, X.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X calmly closes his eyes, and raises his hands. If the talking continues, he firmly says: &quot;Stop guys, not getting anything...&quot; He smiles at us, and then gestures at the one nearest to him to start over. This works hassle free and no one feels hurt. Also, you don't have to be rude this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone is being spoken to by more than one person at a time, s/he can't hear any of them properly, and end up irritated, or dazed with bits out of both people's words. That's why sometimes, people feel that rudeness is necessary (as @sphennings said), but I personally don't think so. Anything that can be done rudely can be done nicely as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T18:57:06.060" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10979" CreationDate="2018-02-26T19:28:28.047" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having recently had some contractors working in our house for an extended time I can say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they were only working on the outside of the house, we would typically not be there, and would just leave the house locked.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they needed to work inside the house, one of us would stay home to let them in, and be around in case they needed anything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When they were working inside we would let them use one of our bathrooms, as it was convenient for them and there was no public restroom anywhere close by. (the job was not really big enough for them to rent a portable toilet). We certainly didn't have to do this, but I didn't see any reason not to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;At no time did they ever assume or assert that it would be ok for them to have free run of the house when we were not there&lt;/strong&gt;. In fact, they rescheduled several times for us on occasions when we couldn't stay home for them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given all this, I would say you are definitely within your rights to lock up when you need to leave, and it's pushy/inappropriate for the workmen to ask you to do otherwise. They probably just want it open for their convenience, but if you don't have a long-standing trust with them, they really should not even ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can also say that whether accidental or intentional, on a few occasions we found that the contractors had left exterior doors unlocked/open after they had left, so I would make a habit of checking all your doors and windows each time they have been there. It was most likely just a simple mistake, but it is also not unheard of for workmen to 'case' a house and then leave a way open for someone else who can come around at a later time and easily rob the place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13347" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T19:28:28.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11048" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="703" CreationDate="2018-02-26T19:51:32.350" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that whether this is rude or not really depends on the context. While I would not normally use someone else's property to turn around, there are a couple of cases where I think it is reasonable:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you have some familiarity with the neighborhood and the people that live there.&lt;/strong&gt; I've got a relative that I visit that lives on a dead-end block with no good place to turn around. As their own driveway is often blocked, I must use the driveway of someone else to turn around when I leave. I think this is fine because the relative knows her neighbors and is on good terms with them. If they were to see, the neighbor might even recognize my vehicle, and they probably would not mind that I used their drive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Where it's physically prohibitive to do do otherwise.&lt;/strong&gt; A good example is if you are on a long country road that is narrow with deep ditches on both sides. Often the only way to turn around is to use the turnout to someone's driveway unless you want to go many miles out of your way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13347" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T19:51:32.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11033" CreationDate="2018-02-26T20:19:40.003" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;All the answers so far correctly say that you made a business arrangement and should honor it. You don't have a right to your rent back. Asking for your rent back in a demanding way would be rude and out of line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However asking for the rent back as a friend may not be out of line. Just ask in a nice humble way knowing that your friend would be doing you a great favor beyond the call of duty if he gave you all or some of the rent back. If he declines you should not be pouty or give off any kind of attitude. Just understand and own your mess up. Even then he may think your kind of hustling him for even asking.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend would in no way be out of line declining to give you the rent back. Your friend rented it to you and that alone, even if you never spend a minute there entails some cost, some effort expended on his part and some commitment on his part. The day you agreed, he entailed some costs to clean it and make sure it was ready for you. He stopped any marketing he may had been doing to get the room rented, costing him potential to get the vacancy filled. He had overhead involved. I can assure you as having been a landlord before that renting a room for a month is no kind of windfall. Actually it is kind of a hassle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T20:19:40.003" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11005" CreationDate="2018-02-26T20:47:30.667" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As already said, everyone who is grieving does so differently, so you can't really know what to expect. Some people might be able to pick themselves up and have a short and upbeat conversation in response to &quot;How are you doing?&quot; while others... not so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, in my experience when I attend events while sad/grieving/otherwise down I'm always very aware that I don't expect everyone else to be - and often I'm attending because I want to be around people who are radiating happiness/excitement, so that I don't get fully lost in what's going on with my life. It's quite possible this could be why your neighbor attended even though she was still feeling very glum (life goes on, and eventually we all have to try to shove ourselves back into normalcy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aren't sure if someone will be able to emotionally respond to &quot;How are you?&quot;, focus on throwing them the occasional smile or other &quot;happy&quot; non-verbal cues. There have been numerous &lt;a href=&quot;http://sites.psu.edu/siowfa14/2014/10/21/is-smiling-contagious/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;studies that favor smiling being contagious&lt;/a&gt;, and getting her into the habit of acknowledging you back with smiles can help the grieving individual with their transition back into everyday life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a summary, if you aren't sure if someone can handle a private conversation about their emotional state, don't engage it.  &lt;strong&gt;Just be happy at them&lt;/strong&gt; (not snobbishly, of course, you understand), but share your joy!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to let her know that you have thought of her in some way, you could contact her after the event (message/thank you card/in person) with a short, still upbeat, message containing your appreciation for her attendance and your wishes for her continued well being:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks for coming the other night, it was great to see you! I hope you're doing well!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're comfortable with it, you could also throw in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I know things have been hard the past few months. If you ever need anything, don't be a stranger.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T20:47:30.667" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10986" CreationDate="2018-02-26T21:42:16.983" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you find it too hard saying &quot;no&quot;, you could always respond with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sure, let me send you an email with my rates, and we can talk about the price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's probably enough to scare most people off, since they're probably looking for something for free, but if they persist, feel free to quote them ridiculously high rates.  If they still want it done, at least you'll make a pretty penny doing it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8929" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T21:42:16.983" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-26T21:42:18.783" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I generally agree that it is usually best not to ask people out at work.  However, it has happened from time-to-time.  Having been on the receiving end, I can tell you I've always found it awkward and uncomfortable when someone has asked me out as opposed to leaving a note for me to choose to respond or not respond privately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option you may consider is going through her manager.  As an anecdote, we recently had an emergency drill that involved several different departments at my place of employment.  One of the firemen involved found one of my coworkers to be attractive.  He maintained professionalism through the drill, however, and never so much as asked her name during the drill.  When the drill was over and he returned to his station, he asked his supervisor for help in reaching out to my coworker.  The supervisor reached out to the safety manager; the safety manager reached out to my department manager; after the safety manager and department manager worked out who the fireman was interested in, my department manager approached my coworker and explained that one of the firemen was interested in asking her out.  Most notably, the fireman passed his number through those people to give to her, and left it up to her to contact him if she was interested.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key aspects of this are that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;business was business; and business with her was not interrupted for personal reasons.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the supervisors were involved to pass the information from him to her.  More specifically, he did not go tracking down any of her information.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;her safety and comfort was maintained by having someone she knew and was familiar with approach her discretely&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;everyone involved was confident that if she had declined, that would be the end of it. In your case, if she declines, you must never mention it again and pretend like it never happened.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13356" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T21:42:18.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10986" CreationDate="2018-02-26T22:05:01.653" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like you don't need to over-complicate anything here.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who has been in the same boat several times (and even tried doing commissions for a while, but decided she hated it) and has found that the best response is just casually replying with something like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I appreciate that you like my style that much, but I only paint as a stress reliever and I don't want it to ever feel like another job, so I don't do commissions. Hope you understand, and again, thank you for the consideration.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach thanks them for considering your artwork good enough to have a place in their home, but lets them know casually that you just don't do commissions - for anyone, of any subject, for any cost.  It's not because you're not close friends, it's not because they didn't ask you to paint something you don't normally paint, and it's not because they won't pay enough - which means that they can't try to negotiate an arrangement to meet any of these criteria to change your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T22:05:01.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-26T22:12:24.480" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends on what she is after, if it is a material thing, that I would advise that this is an almost impossible challenge, especially if she is rather fussy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1 - A day just for the 2 of you&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;What I would want (and I say this as a fussy female) is for my partner to take me out somewhere for the day that incorporates some form of shopping, this way you can suprise here with a location or event and a great day, and she can also get just what she wanted in terms of an actual gift. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take notes of what she buys for next year, and also look what she buys as gifts for other women. When I am shopping for gifts, I tend to pick things that I like, as there is a good chance the recipient will like them too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to note however that with this option, taking children along isnt ideal. Birthdays are meant to be all about her, and that just isnt possible with childeren around as they will always be the priority for both of you, as they can also be unpredicatble, the day can easily be spoilt with one spilled drink. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2 - A family day&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Having said this, from what you mentioned with the baking, while that sounds like a very sweet thing to do, there were 2 issues, firstly it sounds like she would have rather been out of the house and secondly she would have liked to have been more involed in enjoying the activity. One idea might be to go somewhere with a large indoor swimming pool and a relative that can watch the children while they play. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I say this is because she will get to enjoy being close to her childeren in an environment where there isnt much they can do to misbehave (i dont have kids so ignore me if thats a pack of lies). She can also enjoy some quality time with you away from them if there is a hut tub area, and you can both act like big kids on the slides. It will tire them out ready for an early night ready for you to bring out all that romantic good stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 3 - A party&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;What better way to make her feel special than with a room full of family &amp;amp; friends! one of them is bound to bring her ea gift she likes, if not, ask guests for donations toward a larger present that you have in mind, for example a holiday or romatic get away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 4 - A day away from all of you&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Maybe she doesnt get out much and would like a little break with some of her friends? you can look after the kids all day &amp;amp; get the house spotless for her return. Get the kids to make her something!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 5 - Do what she does for you&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Think about the effort she puts into your birthday? maybe tell her nothing and see how she reponds to the situation. Do for her what ever she does for you, as again with the gift buying, it could be that what she does for you is something she would also like herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 6 - Be sneaky&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Show her this post, or post something similar anonymously, get her to tell you what she thing the man in this situation should do, or ask her friends &amp;amp; family!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 7  - Nothing&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;It has been said in other answers, but ultimatly she should appreciate the thought and effort that you have put into planning the day. Doing nothing is a risky move, but if she is as ungrateful as you are making her out to be, then maybe some tough love with a dose of reality is what she needs to be reminded how lucky she is, that you care enough to post a thread online about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One final thought, make sure she feels appreciated all year round :) &amp;amp; if there are any underlying issues in your relationship, then nothing you can do will make her happy for just on day. But fixing a relationship sounds like a whole new thread to me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good Luck &amp;amp; Godspeed!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13358" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T22:12:24.480" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-26T22:19:29.740" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She wanted me to organise a surprise fun event for us to &lt;strong&gt;go to as a family&lt;/strong&gt; (we have young kids). Besides presents, what I had actually done was &lt;strong&gt;spend the afternoon with our eldest kid baking a cake&lt;/strong&gt; for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know your wife, so I can't say for sure if I've figured this out. However, I've bolded the parts where I think you made your gaffe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She wanted a fun event to go to as a family. (I wonder if perhaps she wanted to get out of the drudgery of her daily routine – a very reasonable request, by the way, if you both have young kids and she is the primary caretaker). Instead, it sounds like you did the one thing she didn't want. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm guessing that what you did may have sounded nice to you – maybe you don't get to spend as much time home with the kids as you'd like. But, based on what you wrote, I think she was hinting at a family outing, not another day in a messy kitchen.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some ideas that spring to my mind: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A zoo&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A beach&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A park or playground&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A museum&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A hike&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go-Karts&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A scenic drive to an ice cream place a few towns over&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, try just about anything that gets her out of the house. This isn't about you guessing that one elusive right thing to do, this is about you just honoring her request. If you try that, and she is still upset with you, then that's another issue. But in this case, I can see why she was disappointed last year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for where the blame rests, she should at least make it clear to you the kind of outing she wants. If she didn't tell you about that &quot;surprise fun event&quot; until after the fact, well, that's what she gets for not being clear up front. However, if that hint was dropped ahead of time, that might have been the clue you missed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12334" LastEditorDisplayName="user12334" LastEditDate="2018-02-26T23:20:50.617" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T23:20:50.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-26T22:25:43.757" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your interaction with the cashier is constrained by work rules (she has to be nice to you) and also social norms. The degrees of freedom available to signify attraction are few. Also, ten creeps have delivered sleazy pickup lines to her since this morning, you don't need to be the next one. It's her job to be nice to you, don't  mistake this for her giving hints that she's interested in you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a bar, she could just turn around and leave, but not here. The cashier's problem is that &lt;strong&gt;she's stuck behind her cash register&lt;/strong&gt;. So if you arrive and dump your emotional train wreck on her, like drop to your knees, pull out the guitar and go full-on Romeo on her, she'll have to stay put and silently cringe -- &quot;G'aaah not again!&quot; --  until you get the message, and she's not gonna like it (see Tinkeringbell's answer for examples).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, don't ask her when her shift ends, or &lt;strong&gt;to meet in the rapey spot at the back of the parking lot, after her shift, when it's all dark and gloomy.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really, and I mean really think she's interested (and I mean really, like not in your dreams) slip her a phone number and that's it. Give her an easy way out. Don't make it awkward. And don't stand there making big puppy dog eyes and blubbering while you wait for her answer, just &quot;see ya&quot; and leave. Don't look like you're gonna make a scene and attract the attention of her boss!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There would seem to be a paradox, in that lowering the cost of rejection for her increases your chances of success, but there really isn't a paradox. Communicating that it's no big deal if she says no shows confidence, and also shows that you haven't been writing romantic poetry thinking about her for the last six months while you have no idea who she is (creepy-creepy) rather you're just interested in getting to know her and have a drink. You catch feelings after you get to know her, not before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And above all, don't pressure her. &lt;strong&gt;You can't pressure a woman into being attracted to you&lt;/strong&gt;. That's what &quot;creepy&quot; means. Attraction is not the result of a negotiation. Either she's attracted to you, and you create the circumstances where things will happen, or she is not attracted, and you move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're awkward around women, and the cashier is the only girl talking to you in your whooooole entire life, then try shopping in another supermarket. The cashier will also talk to you. The girl in the booth at the post office will also talk to you. It is a safe bet that they're all just doing their job. &lt;strong&gt;Don't think a girl is attracted to you because she's doing her job.&lt;/strong&gt; Try a man cashier. He will also talk to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shouldn't stop you from being nice to the cashier, or the post/tax office girl. In fact, the last time I was nice to the tax office woman, I asked her if I was the first dude not to yell at her today. She said yes, and since it was 5PM we shared a glance of understanding for a few seconds. That's just basic humanity. What I say may sound weird to some, but you can actually be cool and nice to women without any second thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway. Back to this cashier girl. In my case, it was simple. We never talked beside &quot;hello&quot;. I put the money in her hand, and then she gave change back. We looked into each others' eyes for about two weeks. It was pure stare porn, and she flushed and sighed. That's a pretty good indication something's happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day, I put the money in her hand, and tickled her palm. She flushed, returned the change, and caressed my hand in return. Then she returned change in copper coins, one at a time,  staring me in the eye. The amount was wrong. I got the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next day I slipped my phone number on a piece of paper, didn't say a word and left. She called, and shortly after she was on my couch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next day, as I entered the shop, the whole personnel (all women) grinned at me. Some talking must have occured behind the scenes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much later, she told me she was married. To the owner of the shop. This is why her name is &quot;girl&quot; int this post. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; another one, I had forgotten!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I go into a shop to buy some shoes, it's a bit of an oldskool shop where you ask the saleswoman to fetch a box of shoes, try them, etc. She seemed interested, so I just asked &quot;Are you new here? I've never seen you before.&quot; Or something like that, I don't remember, it doesn't matter anyway. Note I had never been to that shop before. Then we had an interesting conversation about her other job (comic artist), and I left with her phone number. We met a few more times for drinks and visiting expos but no further attraction developed, so nothing else happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T18:05:06.517" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T18:05:06.517" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-26T22:32:33.463" Score="22" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Asking her out directly seems like a bad idea.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, in these situations, I've found something that works much better for both of you. During your conversation with her, mention some place you're planning to be in the future so she can find you there if she chooses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: &amp;quot;I like to grab lunch here before going to [Public Event You Enjoy]&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could be almost anything, but here are some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A place your band plays&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A public dance&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A painting/pottery class&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A wine tasting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should be something you actually enjoy, so be sure to let your excitement about your hobby be apparent when you mention it. Ex: &amp;quot;I enjoy that they let you try lots of different wines from all around the world!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she expresses interest in the activity as well, tell her more about it so she can attend: &amp;quot;Yeah, it's really fun. They do it every Tuesday and Thursday at 7pm - the admission fee is 5 Euro. You should check it out sometime!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is interested in you and has time, she will probably arrange to come to the event some time and you will see her there. This is preferable because she is not under obligation to behave professionally for her work and you can spend some time chatting as equals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if that goes well, then you have created a good opportunity to ask her on a real date. And if she doesn't come, well, you were planning to go there anyways so it's not a real loss on your part - you just spent an afternoon/evening doing something you already enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6127" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-26T22:37:56.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-26T22:44:42.750" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel for you. All I can picture is this scene from The Notebook:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/v1b0V.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/v1b0V.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;A man and a woman seem to argue. The man is saying to the woman: &amp;quot;What... Do you want?&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I should also add that I'm not someone who can read between lines so I prefer a more direct approach. Hints and the like go over my head where others may clue in.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expecting a significant other to know what they want in for surprise event or presents is ludicrous and mean when the SO doesn't meet invisible expectations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she can't immediately think off the bat what she wants, she's placing unrealistic expectations that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; would know what &lt;strong&gt;she&lt;/strong&gt; wants. Unfortunately, I have many friends who selfishly think their partners &lt;em&gt;should just know&lt;/em&gt;. That's no way to communicate. Everyone has different approaches to communication and hopefully she's willing to help you understand her communication style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you haven't already, you might have to concede and say &lt;em&gt;&quot;Honey, I'm sorry I'm no good at this guessing game but can you please help me out?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; If she's amenable to trying, perhaps the idea of a wish list on the fridge or office at home would help. My partner and I make lists of what we need and what we want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We split our lists like so and add to it when we think of it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Restaurants we want to try&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Places or events we want to attend &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Items we want but would otherwise not purchase for ourselves &lt;em&gt;(annual membership to art galleries, or certificate for a spa)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Items we ran out of or need &lt;em&gt;(bath products from Lush or local specialty beer)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the list, you'll still have to determine what she wants (as a gift) or what do for her birthday or other special events but hopefully this encourages her to discuss the itinerary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's not willing to make any effort to help you make her birthday special then it's realistic to say that if you don't communicate aloud what you want, then you can't expect it to be given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-20T17:42:36.627" LastActivityDate="2019-01-20T17:42:36.627" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2769" CreationDate="2018-02-27T00:00:31.847" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like the spoon story - I've heard that one before and as a person with multiple chronic debilitating illnesses, I think it's pretty accurate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had the same challenge as you regarding how to answer the question &quot;How are you doing?&quot;  For me, it depends on who's asking.  If it's someone who's just an acquaintance, and I'm having a really horrible day physically, I might just say &quot;Doing a-ok&quot; b/c that's the most positive I can muster, or if I have slightly more mental energy I might say &quot;Well I still have all 5 senses and all my limbs, so it's a good day.&quot; or &quot;every day above ground is a good day!&quot;  I try to parlay the answer to their question into something slightly humourous without giving any details. B/c in reality, most people don't really care and don't' want the details. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people who I work closely with or I know pretty well, if they ask &quot;How are you doing today?&quot; and are genuinely looking for an answer, I usually keep it short and sweet, like &quot;Well I'm still trying to get over the pneumonia, but otherwise doing fine. How are you doing?&quot;  etc or &quot;Today's my monthly IV treatment but I'll be online working all day.&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I did run into trouble b/c I did such a good job downplaying my illnesses - some people in my office didn't believe I was really disabled (technically I have a physical disability due to the severity of my illness but am able to telework fulltime) b/c I usually kept most of the details from them. So then I was forced to explain everything in depth about all my conditions so that they could see I really was disabled physically by my health conditions. So maybe better to do what @threetimes said and write up a letter explaining everything for co-workers/boss, so that everyone is on the same page and you dont run into the problem I did (-: If you do choose to do that, I would stress that if you have to miss work b/c of your medical conditions, you always make it up and/or that you always make sure to complete your work on time despite your conditions, something that lets them know work is still a top priority for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13365" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T00:00:31.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11033" CreationDate="2018-02-27T00:46:23.643" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;All the other answers at this time seem to assume that you were in your right mind when you moved out of the apartment. Judging by the question, you were not (you had a panic attack, anxiety took over and more or less forced you to move out, if I am reading correctly)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you were not in your right mind and capable of making a sound decision&lt;/strong&gt;, then you stand a good chance of getting your money back if you explain this to your friend. I would approach them casually or send an email, and explain your panic attack(s) if your friend is not aware of it, then explain that when you returned the key and sent the email, you had a panic attack and were not thinking straight. You did not realize (I assume) when you moved in that there would be anxiety problems, and now that you know there are, you would like to move on. Of course, your friend does not have to give you back the money, especially because you explicitly renounced any claim to it, in writing (for the future, it's probably better to move out, calm down, and &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; send an email after thinking about it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, any reasonable person would let you stay in the house for the remainder of time you have paid rent for, considering you were not in your right mind/mentally incapacitated (and therefore not mentally competent to break the contract) at the time you terminated your rental agreement. (There's even the legal concept of &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.peoples-law.org/contracts-0&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;competence to enter a contract&lt;/a&gt;, but I am not a lawyer and do not suggest one is necessary in this case). If your friend will not give you the money back, I suggest you request to move back in if you are willing and able to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6551" LastEditorUserId="6551" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T01:14:59.927" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T01:14:59.927" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11027" CreationDate="2018-02-27T01:33:01.000" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;LinuxBlanket has a great suggestion! If she's amenable, your group could take her out to a birthday dinner before the party or another evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's not into the 2 events idea then you could also attend only for the main events (cutting cake, opening presents) and then leave before more drinking and loud music continues. Unless she has a set itinerary, parties like this will have a slow lull in the beginning and gradually grow as the evening progresses. You and the group could arrive earlier in the evening and head out before things become very crazy as she'll be going around socializing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T01:33:01.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11041" CreationDate="2018-02-27T02:15:38.587" Score="0" Body="&lt;h2&gt;If the two start talking at the same time&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not add your voice to the two already talking. Instead, raise both your hands, each one with the palm towards the two friends, and say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey hey hey, I've got two ears but only one brain. Only one person speaking, please. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you look at them and &lt;strong&gt;leave the task of deciding talking turns to them&lt;/strong&gt;. Like this you don't favor a friend over another, you're just stating that this kind of communication is ineffective. It's up to them, now, to choose which one is going to talk, and, since it's &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; agreement, it's likely that they are going to respect it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If one of them is talking and another follows&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this is different. The second friend is being rude, so you can &lt;strong&gt;interrupt him and point out that the first one was talking&lt;/strong&gt; -- he can resume telling his story afterwards. Just do not make a mountain out of a molehill: &lt;strong&gt;be short&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;do not rant&lt;/strong&gt; about you friend's habit of talking over other people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often, the difference between a rude sentence and a firm one lies in the &lt;strong&gt;nonverbal&lt;/strong&gt;. To convey that you're not angry or think ill of the second friend, do not frown, do not raise your voice (or, if you have to do it to be heard, soften it as soon as a loud voice is not needed anymore), look at your friend in the eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T02:15:38.587" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10979" CreationDate="2018-02-27T04:08:40.220" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to disagree with most of the other correspondents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it is your house, it is their workplace.  How would you feel if your boss just suddenly announced that you were no longer allowed to use the workplace toilets?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly the workers are human and humans produce waste.  It seems this can be handled in one of four ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The workers use your toilet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The workers bring their own toilet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The workers take extended toilet breaks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The workers soil your garden.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would seem that the 2nd option is preferred.  However, you guys implicitly agreed upon the 1st option.  But now you are renegging on that, so you are going to have to accept that the 3rd of 4th option will be utilized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4261" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T04:08:40.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11069" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-27T04:28:34.347" Score="119" ViewCount="52550" Body="&lt;p&gt;Over the past couple of weeks, there's been this really cute girl who sits near me inside a coffee shop, which has a cozy, &quot;productive&quot; vibe to it -- everyone's doing work on their laptops.  I want to start a conversation with this girl, but there's one significant obstacle: she's always wearing her headphones.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my question is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I effectively and politely start a conversation with this girl who's sitting next to me and wearing headphones?&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've seen each other - and smiled at each other - for a few weeks now.  The vibes feel pretty good, but her wearing the headphones makes it tricky to say &quot;hello&quot; to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The location: Manhattan, New York, United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T15:02:41.043" LastActivityDate="2018-12-24T15:00:54.190" Title="How to talk to a girl who's sitting next to me but wearing headphones?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="35" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-27T04:42:05.787" Score="343" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You don't.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're asking how to interrupt someone who's working with mostly-inconsequential personal matters. If someone did that to me, I'd be annoyed at their lack of situational awareness, and would be looking to end the interaction quickly and get back to work. There is no way to do this that is polite and respectful - at risk of sounding like a broken record, you're potentially breaking her working &quot;zone&quot; for something totally unrelated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I'm concerned, if someone's giving out signals that they're working and/or don't want to be interrupted (and headphones are a &lt;em&gt;strong&lt;/em&gt; signal on that axis), then the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; time you interrupt them is to let them know the building's burning down around them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;I may exaggerate slightly.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Instead, why not...&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...strike up a conversation when she's not wearing the headphones - or at least when she's not working. The obvious point for this at a coffee shop would be while she's ordering - even if she's still wearing headphones at that point, she's also clearly not working, so you're not interrupting or breaking her flow. If the conversation you strike is interesting, then you might end up continuing it over your respective coffees - but also be prepared for her to say &quot;that's nice but I'd rather get on with my work&quot;, and &lt;em&gt;respect that&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="88" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T04:42:05.787" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-27T04:55:56.847" Score="74" Body="&lt;h3&gt;You can't do it politely&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no way to strike up a conversation with a stranger working with headphones in that isn't incredibly impolite. A good boss should think twice about disrupting an employee with their headphones in. What reason does a stranger have to impose on someone like that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're wearing headphones to isolate them from the world and trying to get work done. No-one wants to be interrupted in the middle of their work day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Headphones are a clear indicator that they want to be separated from the rest of the world and not disturbed. By ignoring this very obvious boundary you are signaling that either you are so imperceptive of others that you can't see that they don't want to talk to you, or you're so inconsiderate that the fact that they don't want to talk to you doesn't matter. These are both poor options the only good option is the leave them alone to get their work done in peace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this question was &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/transcript/message/42570447#42570447&quot;&gt;proposed in chat&lt;/a&gt; a month ago people responded by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously I wish more people would understand that if I am reading or wearing headphones or what have you...i don't wanna be interrupted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't care how great you think I am or how cute you find me, I have made it obvious I am distancing myself from interaction, respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless the bus/coffee shop/library is on fire/about to explode/flooding/at risk of tornado... etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust me on this one. It's rude and invasive and bypasses any idea of respectful boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The headphones are the fuck off vibe, friend&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No positive comments could be found in chat regarding this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T14:34:14.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11072" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11033" CreationDate="2018-02-27T05:38:47.457" Score="22" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You help him place somebody else in there&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the standard rule of breaking a lease:  Your responsibility to pay the lease ends the moment someone else is paying rent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, with impunity, you can ask for the days' rent back for the days now filled by others.  He has no standing to deny it to you, morally or legally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It goes easier to have the landlord's cooperation, but you have that.  &lt;em&gt;In the US the concept is called mitigation of damages, the landlord has to actively try to re-rent it, but I would not expect that rule to apply for a &amp;lt;30 day period except on a normally daily/weekly rental.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you can do with landlord's cooperation is AirBNB it. That can be quote lucrative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T13:15:16.767" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T13:15:16.767" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-27T08:06:55.813" Score="172" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are looking for a breadth of answers, from which I read that you hope to find one which doesn’t advise you to leave her alone. If you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; get such an answer I’d like you to think about this before accepting it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;there's one significant obstacle: she's always wearing her headphones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She isn’t wearing them by accident, they are an obstacle she had deliberately placed between herself and random strangers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However much you wish it was otherwise, you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; a random stranger. The obstacle is not a challenge for would-be-swains to overcome, it is both a defence and a big sign saying ‘I am not open to interacting with people in this situation’. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The defences are against you as much as they are against anyone, the sign is not somehow only for other people. You are being asked and encouraged to &lt;strong&gt;leave her alone&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this was going to be your meet cute with Cappuccino Girl, if she &lt;em&gt;wanted&lt;/em&gt; to strike up that conversation, she’d have taken off her headphones by now, or she wouldn’t always already have them on when she/you sat down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In shared public places, we all have to accept out personal space being reduced and our individual bubbles getting squashed against other people’s. It is highly likely that she doesn’t see sharing a smile with another coffee-shop regular as anything other than acknowledging the sharing of space. If it was an invitation to chat &lt;strong&gt;she would take off her headphones&lt;/strong&gt;. Keeping them on is her defining her space. Invading her space is an aggressive move &lt;em&gt;even if you don’t think so&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please let her be. Don’t be creepy coffee-shop guy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you must try something, try &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; smiling at her for a few days. If she misses your interaction she might speak to you first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When all the advice you’ve already had is to leave her alone, persisting in looking for a different answer is already making you look situationally tone-deaf and giving off those creepy coffee-shop guy vibes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T08:06:55.813" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11005" CreationDate="2018-02-27T08:19:28.887" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;From the perspective of a grieving person:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can only tell you how a grieving person feels being surrounded by happy people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my part i suffered really hard for 3-4 months after my fathers death, always thinking about it and trying not to cry. However if you are on a party where people know what happened to you you generally want to try to look positive and not be sad at all. For my part i didn't want to drag anybody down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mistakes that are often made..&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as soon as somebody asks you how you are doing or 'how's it going' they pretty much f'ed up. They shouldn't do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My solution:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to involve the person in games or other activities during the party for the sake of distraction. The grieving person won't feel assaulted or whatsoever just because you don't talk about his/her life straight away. There is also a possibility that they don't wanna talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Advice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel like bringing it up, &lt;strong&gt;maybe&lt;/strong&gt; do it when the party is over and he/she leaves. Maybe hug the person and say something like &quot;If you wanna talk, i am here for you, thank you for dropping by! I hope you had some fun :)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12107" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T08:19:28.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11076" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11077" CreationDate="2018-02-27T10:26:18.920" Score="55" ViewCount="20336" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been married now for few years (around 2 years), and everything is ok between my wife and me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before me, she was married (for around 8 months) to a husband who cheated on her with her sister (who is a model). Since then, she lives in fear and can't trust any man or believe that someone will not cheat on her just because he sees another girl/woman more beautiful than her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the start of our relationship, I could help her to forget and start a new page, but for the past year, her fears have come back and it is really starting to annoy me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And since a few months ago, the situation has gotten more complicated. She started to be jealous about anything, and she has stopped allowing me to have contact with any other girl (she thinks if I make a contact, then I'll automatically cheat on her). She even follows my looks, and interrupts any discussion between me and any other woman, to the point where I've started getting bored and have thoughts of leaving her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell my wife that all her fears will not help me or her; to the contrary, it could even push me to be rude or do silly things?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Clarifications&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After the divorce with her ex, she lost her job.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is no longer in contact with people she used to know, partially for fear that I might cheat on her with one of them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T08:53:49.213" Title="How can I tell my wife that her fears and mistrust are hurting us?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11076" CreationDate="2018-02-27T10:48:22.913" Score="86" Body="&lt;p&gt;This does sound like a case for couples' therapy, or single therapy for her with some joint session, because her trust has been deeply broken before.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Think about it: The man she loved cheated on her, and to add to this, it was with her sister! That is at least one, possibly two, deep trusts broken in one fell swoop! Even if she keeps reminding herself that she trusts you, even if she feels secure with you, a lingering doubt can remain with her, one she possibly cannot fight off herself.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I would ask you not to hold this against her. I have some mild trust-issues myself, I am aware of them, and even after years, it is often hard for me &quot;trust myself, rather than my issue&quot;. I hope this sentence makes sense to you!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you will react negatively to this lack of trust, that is perfectly understandable. Sadly, in return she might easily sense that.. and feel she was right all along!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in this case, therapy is a really good idea, because it will help her sort out her feelings!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When talking to her about this:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Be open with her about her behaviour affects you, but also validate her feelings! That does NOT mean telling her she is right in mistrusting you, it means telling her that you understand she feels that way, and you want to help her work through it!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You know your wife better than I do of course, so take this last bit with a grain of salt. But in my personal experience, this is what helps me most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2330" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T10:48:22.913" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-27T11:38:55.533" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have a look through her existing stuff (clothes, jewellery, books, CDs).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there an author or artist that she likes? Has that author or artist brought out a new book or album? Get her that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What style of jewellery &amp;amp; clothing does she wear? Buy something in a similar style. (If you are hopeless at understanding/recognising jewellery &amp;amp; clothing styles, enlist the help of a female friend with similar tastes to her.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are her favourite foods / beers / wines? Buy her a supply of those. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What activities has she enjoyed in the past? Can you get her a voucher to do one of these activities?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Previous suggestions about vouchers for shops where she normally buys stuff are good, but a voucher represents less effort than a gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails, ask her to create an Amazon Wishlist or similar, where she can add things to the wishlist when she thinks of them, and then they will be a surprise on the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The cause of the row is not really the failure of the gift you chose, more the apparent lack of effort to understand your partner (whether or not you feel this is justified).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8997" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T11:38:55.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11076" CreationDate="2018-02-27T11:42:57.067" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you mention that this behaviour was not present early on in your relationship it sounds like something has changed that has either brought this fear out in her or is acting as a catalyst for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is natural for two people in a relationship to become more relaxed as time passes. You should be at a stage where you are &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; trusting of each other. But it is possible that if you are more relaxed (as opposed to the early days of a relationship which can be very intense) you have gradually paid her less attention and this may have fueled her fears that you are looking elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't necessarily follow that if someone has been cheated on they always find it hard to trust others. I was cheated on in my first marriage, and although I took my time getting married again (possibly because of residual trust issues) I trust my present wife &lt;em&gt;completely&lt;/em&gt; which is a great feeling. I have a lot less anxiety and stress because I can confidently let go of that fear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your wife may be experiencing &quot;control issues&quot; - that is not to say she is controlling by nature, but as she experienced a loss of control in her own life when she was cheated on previously, she may now be over-compensating to keep herself from being hurt again. She needs help to realise that (1) she cannot control you, and attempting to do so actually impacts negatively on your relationship; and (2) that she must learn to control only her own jealously and negative emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If very deep-seated, these issues may be best addressed in professional counseling. However you will at least need to tackle the subject with her to even suggest that. Always choose a calm time to discuss an issue, not right in the middle of an argument. Then perhaps say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We need to talk about our relationship. You often make me feel that&#xA;  you do not trust me to be faithful. I understand that things in your&#xA;  past may have made it difficult to trust again. I love you and I am&#xA;  faithful to you, but your lack of trust is damaging our relationship&#xA;  and the bond that we have. How can we move forward?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to her fears. If there are small things that you could change to make her less fearful, be prepared to adjust. For example, although this is not your fault, perhaps some behaviour of yours while talking to other women is seeming to your wife like flirting? Don't be unreasonable if she raises things like this. Small adjustments from both parties are reasonable when two people bring their lives together. But if she cannot see a way to overcome her feelings then you might want to tactfully suggest counseling. Look into this beforehand so that you can discuss specific options rather than just leave her floundering and having to sort that out herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T11:42:57.067" CommentCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11082" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11033" CreationDate="2018-02-27T12:36:01.717" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said, he is your friend. So, You can share your experience with him in a friendly manner. He may return full or a portion of the money back to you. Also, you cannot take it back forcefully as the problem is completely yours not him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13399" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T12:36:01.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10969" CreationDate="2018-02-27T12:53:28.070" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to have a talk, at a non-stressful time, and explain that you are crappy at figuring out what people like (whether true or not). Work out a system with her in which she tries to think of things she likes, and then you try to take that list to produce an unexpected (partly) result.&#xA;I'm far from an experienced or trained counselor, but I have observed that successful couples tend to be those who can vocalize their shortcomings and expectations, and work together to come up with a compromise solution.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3445" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T12:53:28.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11005" CreationDate="2018-02-27T14:36:06.867" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the perspective of someone who has done much grieving:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lonliness is the worst part.  It is made worse because nobody knows how to approach you, so it becomes a spiraling effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it might seem to be counterintuitive and/or insensitive, engaging the person with literally any topic other than their grief is often the most helpful thing you can do.  They've already heard the &quot;Oh, I am so sorry&quot;, &quot;Is there anything I can do&quot; and &quot;Let me know if you need anything&quot;.  Those are all intended to be helpful, but they just keep the focus on the grief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good joke, a bad joke, small talk, ANYTHING to distract or get the focus off the grief is a welcome relief.  Often, this can be done by someone less familiar than a close friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't discuss the grief, don't throw out platitudes, and whatever you do don't say &quot;I know how you feel&quot;, because chances are, you don't and that can inspire great anger in a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To sum it up, just be there for a person and don't act like you have to act differently because of the grief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T14:36:06.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11087" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-27T14:51:47.060" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As several others already have replied - it depends where you are and the (as yet) unknown chemistry between you and the cashier. I live in Denmark just north of Germany so it's not completely unfeasible that there are some similarities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About 15 years ago I met a girl working at a local convenience store. We started small-talking (weather etc.) and after a few encounters we started really talking if there was no other customers around. At some point we realized that we needed to meet outside the store to really talk, which we then did. We met for coffee, later for a meal, and while we never became a couple, we did end up being best friends and we still are to this day. We talk every day and meet a few times a week. We go on vacation together, we spend holidays and new years together and so on. So everything is possible but it has a lot to do with the interpersonal chemistry. While I've known this girl she has blocked or otherwise shut out countless guys trying the same thing and that could easily have been me as well. But unless you try you'll never know...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try some small-talk and see where it takes you, but be polite and do not ask for a date up front. That will most certainly backfire. If she's completely unresponsive stop immediately. She's not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8680" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T14:51:47.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11088" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11090" CreationDate="2018-02-27T15:07:54.703" Score="74" ViewCount="75622" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine, Tim, is often busy. I've been trying to make plans with him to go out for drinks, but he seems to be busy every time I make this offer. This happens fairly often so I have a &lt;em&gt;slight&lt;/em&gt; suspicion that perhaps he's using this as a way of saying &quot;no&quot; in order to avoid spending time with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no problem not spending time with Tim if he doesn't want to, I'd just rather not spend the effort asking him (which is annoying for me if he'll always say no and annoying for him if he's uninterested) if he doesn't have a genuine interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask him whether or not he has interest in spending time with me without potentially alienating him if he was actually busy every time I asked?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My focus is mostly on asking him in such a way that doesn't imply that I think he's making excuses. He works often and is genuinely busy often so in the case where my timing has been consistently bad I don't want him to think I'm doubting him. I am open to indirect approaches as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T14:12:38.383" LastActivityDate="2020-05-02T04:46:53.070" Title="How to determine if someone is busy or just doesn't want to spend time with me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11088" CreationDate="2018-02-27T15:19:51.443" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to determine if someone is interested in spending time with you is to leave them to their own devices and see if they try to initiate contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're always the one making the first move, and he's frequently rejecting your proposals, then maybe he doesn't actually like you very much. However, it's awkward to ask this, and there's a very low chance of getting an honest answer. By allowing him to take charge you're going to figure out exactly how valuable your friendship is to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he calls you a month from now and apologizes for not staying in touch because he was busy, then he cares. Even if he doesn't apologize you can bring up the topic of him not calling much, and see what he says (busy with work, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, however, he never calls, you have your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T18:18:46.160" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T18:18:46.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11088" CreationDate="2018-02-27T15:21:57.190" Score="104" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to know if he's genuinely interested, just tell him to tell you when he's available. Tell him you want to meet, but you acknowledge he's a very busy person, so you leave up to him when to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's really up to it, he'll eventually call. If he doesn't, well you got your answer as well, although not so satisfying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people would not admit directly they don't have interest in meeting since they don't want to seem rude, so let their acts speak for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6215" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T18:18:00.973" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T18:18:00.973" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11091" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-27T16:03:31.127" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't. Girls often wear headphones even when they aren't listening to music, &lt;strong&gt;just because they want to be &lt;em&gt;left alone&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest that you draw a cute comic/write your number on on a piece of paper and send it to her. Then wait and see if the rejects you or responds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or wait until she isn't wearing headphones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tbh, she probably isn't interested in you, so be prepared for rejection and don't look like a stalker by repeatedly trying to strike up a conversation with her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13224" LastEditorUserId="13224" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T16:12:31.907" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T16:12:31.907" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11092" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11076" CreationDate="2018-02-27T16:04:51.517" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your wife has serious issues. The stress here is on &lt;strong&gt;your wife&lt;/strong&gt;. These are not your issues, and she is trying to put them on you. That is wrong, even though it is probably not intentional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discuss this with her. Tell her that with all respect and love for her feelings, it is already bad enough that they impact her badly, having them impact you as well is just too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Love does not work without trust. She needs to work through this or your marriage won't last.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Love also does not work without boundaries, and you need to set yours here. If she is jealous, and you did nothing to cause that, it is entirely her problem and &lt;strong&gt;you are not the enemy&lt;/strong&gt;. Tell her that if she comes to you as a friend, along the lines of &quot;dear, I have these bad feelings again, please help me&quot; you will be there. If she comes to you as an enemy, along the lines of &quot;Stop that! Don't do this!&quot;, you will not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She needs both a loving and respectful husband, and a firm statement that &lt;strong&gt;she&lt;/strong&gt; has issues and &lt;strong&gt;she&lt;/strong&gt; needs to resolve them. You can help, assist and support, but it is &lt;strong&gt;her feelings&lt;/strong&gt; that are the problem. This will be a tough talk, as people rarely admit that their feelings are a problem. But from what you told, you can easily show that your behaviour is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the line you need to draw. When you two talk about this, when she comes to you as outlined above or in any other way and indicates that she feels jealous, the talk needs to be about &lt;strong&gt;her feelings&lt;/strong&gt; and NOT about your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I second the suggestion to get an independent moderator (e.g. couple counsel) for this talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a safe space like that, you might also want to clearly state that her jealousy is damaging your relation, reducing your love, and giving you feelings of leaving her. That needs to be on the table. The most unfair thing you can do to a person is to wait until your decision is final and then spring it on them as a surprise. Put it in the context of saving the marriage, but do point it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T16:04:51.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11093" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11094" CreationDate="2018-02-27T16:07:09.987" Score="5" ViewCount="949" Body="&lt;p&gt;We are about to relocate to a place nearer to were I work.&#xA;When my wife told her friend (let's call her Anna) she started to act quite weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First Anna started to complain about the town where we are moving. Then she reduced communications with my wife, i.e. they were calling each other every day but now it is much less often and Anna cuts the conversations short.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't live near her and the new place would be the same distance, so it's not that she's sad we are moving too far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She suggested we move to her town, but it's too far away from work and very expensive (for the same price we'd get a 2 bed house instead of a 4 bed). She admitted straight away we couldn't afford a house there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife pointed out Anna wanted a house similar to the one we are buying, but I would be surprised if it was just envy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we approach Anna to ask what has caused this change?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4505" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-07T11:03:59.710" LastActivityDate="2019-03-07T11:03:59.710" Title="How to approach friend acting strangely after we decided to move house?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11093" CreationDate="2018-02-27T16:13:36.727" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't. Treat her as you always have, and see what happens. If Anna is overcome with jealousy (or whatever), and never talks to you again, then you know what sort of person you're dealing with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, if that's really the case, do you want this person in your life? Probably not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T16:37:43.007" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T16:37:43.007" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11095" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11108" CreationDate="2018-02-27T16:52:53.937" Score="11" ViewCount="1681" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been with my partner for about a year now, we are not married. In the past 8 months I have felt that my partner does not respect when I say no to certain things. We are both in university, I live off-campus and my partner lives on campus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a history of mental illness and suicide attempts, that is a norm for me. I do have other friends who are concerned about me but they do not go to such EXTREMES unlike my partner. I enjoy being alone at times because having someone around sometimes sends me off the rails. I often tell my partner I would like to go home tonight. They refuse to acknowledge that. I firmly say I prefer being alone tonight as I need to do so much work. Instead of listening to me, they follow me home. While I am still working, they are watching a movie or doing something else and then demand that we go to sleep now. They also tell me what position I should sleep in and I often wake up in the middle on the night angry. It is not a peaceful sleep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once I missed the last bus at 12 am and have no problem walking home. They are afraid of the dark and I was walking fast. They kept screaming and crying that I stop walking so fast and since it was winter, they slipped and fell, I felt sorry for them and held their hand and walked them back to my place. Another time I was home and I heard someone knocking on my door, I got a message from my partner to let them in. I was filled with rage, they sat outside in the dark knocking ferociously and yelling that I open the door. My landlady lives above me and she was pretty angry. I had no choice but to let my partner in.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, they sometimes plead that I stay over because they can't sleep at night alone. Last semester they had a single room on campus and couldn't sleep. I used to stay over a lot to help them out. This semester they have a roommate but still say they can't sleep at night. I don't like staying on campus, that's why I moved off campus. When they finally decide to stay alone, they keep calling me at night and say I video call them until they fall asleep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have also checked my phone and stole my parent's numbers and my friend's numbers. They threaten to contact my parents whenever I do something against their wishes. They have also checked my emails and read a recent rejection letter I received. They inquired if I thought it was their fault and I knew I had not told them. I was really angry and felt so betrayed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once blocked them online from all my social media etc, because I was starting to get annoyed. They ordered my friends to come to my house and check on me. Thank God my friends refused and told them they were out of line. My partner refused to listen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They keep saying this is out of love and for my safety but, it's just making me feel more and more resentful. I don't want to break up with them because I don't want to feel lonely by being single. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell my partner that I need some space and that my privacy and demands should be respected? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12433" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T19:53:31.180" Title="How to tell partner we need boundaries?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11095" CreationDate="2018-02-27T17:14:03.273" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There can be issues on both sides here.  Your partner could be worried about your history of mental illness and suicide attempts, but the ultimate thing here is that your partner needs to respect your wishes and your privacy when you need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All relationships, personal and professional, need boundaries.  Where they are not being respected, they need to be reinforced.  Have you discussed the issues with your partner?  If you feel the problem lies with your partner being concerned for your welfare, lay the line down firmly and tell them that although you may understand their concerns, there are times where you need space and privacy.  If they cannot respect that then maybe the time will have come for you both to go your separate ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them that.  Make sure they understand this.  This way the ball is in your partner's court.  Maybe you could suggest couple's therapy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your partner continues to do the same thing, they have decided that your wishes are not important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13422" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T17:14:03.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-27T17:34:01.570" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As others have said, she probably doesn't want to be interacted with. That's usually the end of the line. &lt;strong&gt;&quot;You don't&quot; is usually the correct answer&lt;/strong&gt;, as previously stated. But if you got some good vibes, you could risk giving her a visual non-invasive cue, like a note. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(more on the non-invasiveness on my first edit point at the end of the answer)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What would I do?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The &lt;em&gt;operation&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(cue Ocean Eleven's Music)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time I leave the coffee shop before her, just as I pass by her table, I would leave a post-it-sized piece of paper with a QR code and then smoothly leave the shop without even turning around.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't wait for a response or make a big deal out of it. She will probably notice it's you who left the note (unless it's really crowded, people tend to notice other people approaching their table). If she makes eye contact in your way pass her table, just send her a slight smile (I said &lt;em&gt;slight&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;http://cadenaser00.epimg.net/ser/imagenes/2016/11/11/television/1478868901_341868_1478870595_noticia_normal.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;don't overdo it!&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The QR code will surely arise her curiosity, she will visit it and then...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The aftermath&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...then she either finds it &lt;em&gt;very cute&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;very creepy&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's the first, now the ball is in her roof and she will initiate contact with you or give you a very explicit signal.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you never see her again or she never makes eye contact with you again... well, then it's the second and you should &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; try to contact or stare at her again... sorry! It was not meant to be, or you shouldn't have try this. Serves you right, taking random advices from the internet. In any case, Game Over. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Wait, what about the link?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generating a QR code &lt;a href=&quot;http://goqr.me/#t=url&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;is really easy&lt;/a&gt;. You can make it link to any &lt;a href=&quot;http://goqr.me/#t=url&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;URL&lt;/a&gt; or show any &lt;a href=&quot;http://goqr.me/#&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;text message&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can make the QR link to something like a &lt;a href=&quot;http://s.quickmeme.com/img/c1/c16f62fe30a3f2a1f91a619ecd57c69de9c1944f67e2d386d7c61ba76ee1defc.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;picture&lt;/a&gt; (cute/funny hand-made drawings are usually big winners!), a &lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/i/moments/770594836592328704?lang=es&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;tweet&lt;/a&gt;, or a message. Don't overthink it. Make it simple. Make it clean. Make it sympathizing or cute, but over all, make it accurately reflect your personality, since this may be the only thing she has to judge you by. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(My example links above are not the best, I just briefly skimmed the internet. )&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, since I'm usually funny, upfront, and very &lt;em&gt;meta&lt;/em&gt;, it would probably be a link to this question. This has the potential to be interpreted either as extremely cute or creepy, but I was never one for half measures! YMMV&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT addressing comments and other clarifications I deem appropiate:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The idea behind using a note instead of something like starting a conversation is that is an &lt;em&gt;asynchronous&lt;/em&gt; interaction. Meaning that the girl has the private choice to follow up on the interaction or not, however she wants, whenever she wants. She could see the link and ignore it, she could take it home and think about it, she could bin it or leave it on the table without even looking at it. And you're not there to see what happens, which takes a lot of pressure from her! &#xA;With a synchronous interaction (like trying to start a conversation or paying her coffee), she has the pressure to decide and react somehow &lt;em&gt;in that moment&lt;/em&gt;. Maybe she wants to think about it before. Maybe she doesn't want to react at all. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This answer is very aware of it's potential creepiness. There are a few people out there that will find this fun. That people would, probably, meet like-minded people. This answer is for those. In my experience, this approach has succeeded more times that it has failed. I've met wonderful people; I met a couple of boring persons, and I &lt;em&gt;possibly&lt;/em&gt; have miss out a few great people I would have missed out anyways since I couldn't find a better way to approach and then I'd rather not do anything at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you find this approach weird, creepy or stupid, worry not! There is nothing wrong with you! You're probably actually an incredibly sane and nice person who I'd be sorry to accidentally creep out! If I did (or something reading this did), sorry! It was an accident with a good heart!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you find it fun and like the kind of thing you would like to receive, go ahead and try it! (Or not! I want no liability...) It can make for a fun story to tell!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11415" LastEditorUserId="11415" LastEditDate="2018-03-07T15:58:13.443" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T15:58:13.443" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11095" CreationDate="2018-02-27T17:56:06.343" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell my partner that I need some space and that my privacy and demands should be respected?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before anyone can answer this, I think it is important we first determine if you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; tell your partner that. To me, it sounds like a lot of your reactions may be directly linked to your mental health, and you could be projecting your anger on to whoever is near/not being compliant. This happens to be your partner.&#xA;Unfortunately, we are not qualified to tell you if the extreme precautions are needed, if you are justified in feeling angry and whether you should tell your partner to stop, there can be many interpretations of you and your partners behaviour, and what is the best thing to do in the case of serious mental illness may not be be the best thing to do IPS-wise in a typical relationship. Essentially, the first step I think is you really need to see a specialist/therapist. Tell them what your partner is doing, ask if your partners actions are necessary and find out exactly what are the most supportive things they &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; be doing in these times of crisis. If the therapist advises against pushing for more space then that trumps any answers you get on here. However, if they can tell you some other helpful things that your partner should be doing &lt;strong&gt;instead&lt;/strong&gt;, then this will equip you for the IPS part of my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell them with direct reference to instructions from your therapist that what they are doing is not helping, and then give them a list of supportive things they should be doing instead&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sets a very solid ground to establish your boundaries on. Whether or not its true, they say that they are trying to help you and with this answer, you are being supportive, giving them the benefit of the doubt and showing them the correct way to be giving this support. When your friends told her that she was out of line, they were just expressing their opinions and not listening to their opinions is a very reasonable response for someone who might think you are in danger and is convinced what they are doing is best. Because of this I suggest going into this conversation with an in depth understanding of exactly what is advised and why that helps to allow you to address any questions she has there an then. I would even go as far to show her articles, or something written from your therapist (perhaps the list of suggested activities). However you do it, the point is to prepare so that you can present it to your partner with confidence, and succeed in convincing her that &lt;strong&gt;this&lt;/strong&gt; way, is the best way to help. Fortunately, you should not struggle too much as the mere fact that the information came from your therapist should be more than enough for the vast majority of people to accept and establish some new boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T17:56:06.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-27T18:07:57.627" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't really know if this would be a good answer, but as an old-school guy what I would do is this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you have seen her for a couple weeks, so if you haven't paid attention of what she usually orders, check that and order something for her (e.g. if she orders a coffee and sometimes a slice of pie, one time when she only orders the coffee you order the slice of pie and send it to her table);  make sure the waiter or whoever delivers tells her that it comes from you and watch her reaction: if she looks upset or annoyed, you had zero chances from the beggining. Otherwise, you have opened a chance for interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, be aware that she can be &lt;strong&gt;genuinely&lt;/strong&gt; busy, and she might not talk to you or let you sit with her immediatly, but she might talk to you when she leaves. Still, she reacting positively gives you open card to at least wave at her and say &quot;hello&quot; the next time you see her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, but be patient: stalking to her or being overly insisting is never an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10721" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T18:07:57.627" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11105" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11088" CreationDate="2018-02-27T18:31:56.447" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does Tim enjoy going out for drinks or would he rather be doing other activity with you? Is he more of an introvert or extrovert? Perhaps it's not you, but the activity or datetime that you ask for. Does Tim have an schedule or routine that conflicts with your invitations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also suggest to put the ball in his court. Let him know a day you're available to go out and agree on some plans, perhaps with a day or so of anticipation so that Tim can create some space in his schedule. We don't know if Tim had other plans or is, at the moment, investing his free time on something else, may it be important or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still denies the invitation, then you may want to ask him if anything's wrong. Depending on how is your relationship with him you may ask him playfully like &lt;em&gt;Man, what's up, I'll have to drag you out of your house some days...&lt;/em&gt; or go more serious and formal showing your concerns and worries that he doesn't want to share time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may say nothing's wrong to avoid conflict but, at that point, you may know for sure that he rather be doing something else. If, on the other hand, you get an answer, great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8168" LastEditorUserId="6151" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T21:48:36.240" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T21:48:36.240" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1099" CreationDate="2018-02-27T18:32:10.097" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;In your practical examples, &lt;strong&gt;attention-grabbing&lt;/strong&gt; is a central&#xA;   component. In theory, a gendered honorific targets the message to&#xA;   about half the population. But instead, use &quot;you&quot; early on, and&#xA;   return to an attention-grabbing phrase quickly, indicating to anyone&#xA;   who hasn't responded that you may be hailing them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Potential rule 1: Use &quot;you&quot; as the main reference to the other person, and express respect through other polite phrases. (Very similar to Catija's answer.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;E.g., &quot;Excuse me, you left your card. Pardon me! One moment please, you left behind...&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;E.g., &quot;I'm sorry to bother you, but is this your bag? Respectfully, may I ask you to please move this bag if it is yours?...&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;honorific&lt;/strong&gt; part of the question remains a challenge. Systematically using an honorific for some people but omitting it for others implies a lack of respect. It is rarely intended as an insult, but it emphasizes a disparity in power or respect in the underlying culture that there is no appropriate term. (One reason for omitting an honorific is that guessing wrong in either direction about a person's gender, age, or marital status, if the honorific implies these, may be insulting or aggravating, as in your friend's case. This would lead to systematic omissions of an honorific for people who are not clearly presenting as men or elderly women (the only people for whom I would consider using &quot;Ma'am&quot;).)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For instance, I have heard a lot of &quot;sir&quot; in Silicon Valley start-up culture, without a female or gender-neutral equivalent.   As a female graduate student, I attended a talk at my university by a tech executive. He called on each man who had a question by saying, &quot;Sir,&quot; but he called on me with merely, &quot;Yes.&quot; While I did not stay after the talk to ask him about this, it did not reflect well on the speaker that he either lacked the experience with non-male bosses and colleagues to have run into this before (he had about 20 years in industry and seemed very polished overall) or was not reflective enough to notice this disparity in his own behavior. None of the friends I asked afterward could think of a non-gendered honorific or a parallel honorific he could have used for a woman (&quot;ma'am&quot; can sound condescending because rarely used outside of the U.S. South or the military, and it implies age and marital status).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Potential rule 2: Plan ahead, and don't use a gendered honorific for anyone. Pick a vocabulary where you can address everyone on a similar basis.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Potential rule 3: Assume a higher status non-gendered honorific if unsure. In a university, you could possibly default to &quot;Professor&quot; or &quot;Doctor&quot;  with a stranger if caught in a bind. If you are in a hospital, default to &quot;Doctor&quot;; in an airplane, &quot;Captain&quot;; in a church, &quot;Reverend&quot;; in a courthouse, &quot;Judge.&quot; There is a danger someone will think you are mocking them if the actual status difference is too great, but in that case you can explain, &quot;I'm sorry, you seemed to work here and I didn't know what to assume.&quot; (It is also less insulting than the reverse situation; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.philly.com/philly/columnists/maria-panaritis/clyde-w-waite-judge-bucks-county-pennsylvania-black-racism-mistaken-identity-20180201.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Judge Waite&lt;/a&gt; was mistaken for a janitor at the courthouse, not to mention for a burglar when entering his own house.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Also acceptable in the western U.S.: The same start-up culture where executives refer to younger (potential) colleagues as &quot;sir&quot; also sometimes has people over-use or mis-use the term &quot;boss.&quot; At least &quot;boss&quot; is gender-neutral.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In non-work situations, I might    call    someone &quot;friend&quot; (someone of any generation). I believe it    conveys    respect and goodwill, and I suppose its Quaker overtones ground it in a currently well-regarded tradition.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Depending on the situation, I might be able to pull off &quot;kind    stranger.&quot; (Especially if used in the third person: &quot;Who was that?&quot; &quot;Oh, that kind stranger picked up my umbrella.&quot;).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Less    formally, I    might even use &quot;dude&quot; (to any generation of a male-presenting person who    looks somewhat laid-back, or otherwise to people my age or    younger). &quot;Cousin&quot; or &quot;cuz&quot; may work in limited circumstances, but conveys a familiarity that's unlikely to work outside a family or school reunion where you have forgotten people's names.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T18:32:10.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11107" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11112" CreationDate="2018-02-27T18:38:28.400" Score="18" ViewCount="8219" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine asked me a question, which I answered. After 4 hours I got a message with &quot;sorry I was busy doing homework, I'll come back to you tomorrow&quot;. While this on itself is not that big a problem, I have a bigger problem by the fact that I know that this person was gaming the whole day. I know this because I was a little bit bored and looked at some steam profiles of my friends to look for games to play. When I looked for a second round I saw the game time increase (which is only possible if someone is playing). I would have preferred if this person just said that he was gaming and just had no time to answer because of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I ask someone to avoid lying because I prefer the truth?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Key points&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Convey that I would have preferred the truth&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I will give space, even if the person technically has the time to chat with me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Big note: It was my friend who asked the question, not me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Steam has an option to hide online status, which is used by the friend in question. I'm absolutely sure this person was gaming (and lied).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Messages are through text based medium&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The game in question is a single player game where being AFK the whole day has no benefit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I talk about a lot of private stuff with this friend, so finding out this lie really hurt my trust in this friend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastEditorUserId="9141" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T17:06:11.647" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T19:39:09.597" Title="How to ask someone not to lie?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11108" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11095" CreationDate="2018-02-27T18:41:18.680" Score="18" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Run. Run as fast as you can.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is a toxic, abusive relationship&lt;/strong&gt;. Your partner, in addition to being controlling(stealing numbers, not respecting boundaries), may also have issues of their own. And while these issues might mean they have a harder time looking after your own needs (like needing a break from people, etc), that's no excuse for what they did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Calmly explain your feelings and needs to them, and if they keep being defensive, angry and/or unwilling to change, break up. Truthfully, their acts are bordering on abusive, and if the experiences of others are anything to go by, then your partner's controlling and abusive behavior will only escalate the longer the relationship lasts. I only mentioned talking to them, just in case this person is stupid enough to emotionally abuse you without knowing they are (but that is probably not the case).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A breakup might seem dramatic, but please do consider your history of mental illness and suicide attempts. I feel like your partner's disregard for your mental well-being and their need to control and be in the know about every personal thing might only bring you back to mental illness. Please, &lt;strong&gt;for your own mental health, seriously consider breaking up with them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, being single might feel lonely, but I am confident that you can find someone who respects your basic boundaries. Don't stay in a toxic relationship; it does more harm than good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13224" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T18:41:18.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11107" CreationDate="2018-02-27T18:46:11.110" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best way to go about this is to just tell him that, but in a friendly, almost endearing way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey man, if you don't have time to talk, it's no big deal. Even if you were just gaming, you don't have to lie about it. We've all done it before... played a game and just forgot about everything else!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest this because it doesn't make him out to be bad. It suggests that he made an honest mistake (which it easily could've been) and perhaps felt embarrassed that his gaming distracted him from responding to a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what you're going to risk him being defensive or generally just not taking to your comment/request well. Just be prepared for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-02-27T18:52:10.507" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T18:52:10.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11107" CreationDate="2018-02-27T19:07:50.960" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would open with a candid discussion of keeping in touch and privacy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are leaping too quickly to call it a lie. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He did not say he only did homework, it is not a lie if the bulk of his activity was homework or even if only some of it was.  How he spends his time is none of your business.  Since you have no right to know that and are arguably out of line even asking, it is only a white lie &lt;em&gt;at best&lt;/em&gt; and still preferable to a tart &quot;none of your business&quot;.  Which is what you'll get in the future if you raise the issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If the shoe were on the other foot...&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would feel very uncomfortable if he was examining your life with a microscope.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lives just generally can't bear the weight of constant intrusion. Remember Ken Bone from the US presidential debates, launched into unintended celebrity?  Turns out he was a little bit of a troll on Reddit and said some silly things... Boom, hero takes a fall.  No one is perfect.  Nobody's poop doesn't stink.  You are virtually guaranteed to find something that doesn't look right.  &lt;strong&gt;As such, hyper-examining another person's life is insufferably rude and a huge privacy violation&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I disappear for 10 minutes and say some business took some extra paperwork, don't call me a liar. &lt;em&gt;Nobody wants to know&lt;/em&gt; the business was #2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But OK. You know what he does and want the truth, you tell him that.  But for the above reasons he may find it off-putting to have to account to you for his use of his time.  That's a discussion you will need to have with him.  Mutual awareness vs privacy is something you will have to come together on, and define a &quot;normal&quot; that makes sense for both of you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T17:00:10.660" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T17:00:10.660" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11107" CreationDate="2018-02-27T19:11:34.370" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can think of a dozen different explanations that suggests that your friend wasn't lying, so directly confronting them about &quot;their lie&quot; might either shatter their trust on you (if you're wrong) as they'll think you're willing to accuse them of anything without trusting them, or will give them more reasons to lie, to cover up previous lies. Since you don't really know the full picture - you have your conclusion based on a single observation - I think it's best to approach a middle-ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [friend name], don't want to be nosy, but I was worried about you the other day. When you mentioned doing your homework, I couldn't help but notice you were playing [game name] at the same time. Was there some other reason you didn't/couldn't talk to me? You know you can trust me, because so far I've been trusting you to be honest with me. We are friends, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you give room for the friend to explain themselves. If they really were busy, then they might explain it to you. There could be a plethora of reasons they might give to defend their case, and you need to be ready to accept them depending on how reasonable they sound:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I forgot [game name] running. I thought I had turned off my computer last night.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I wanted to get N hours in-game to get the [name] achievement.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Huh? Steam must have bugged out - I closed the game hours before that.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I let my [sibling/friend] play in my account while I studied.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, however, you have determined that they were truly lying, try to assess &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; that happened. Perhaps there is a underlying motive behind it that you never considered? Maybe they felt you were pressuring them and needed a break? Perhaps they felt as though you were judging them too much, so they tried to hide what they were doing? Either way, it is crucial that you do not frame them; again, you don't know the full picture, and wrongly accusing them of anything will make &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; lose their trust on &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; instead. If they ask why you were so curious/snooping around/distrusting them, I suggest that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; be honest this time:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was worried you didn't trust me as much as I trust you. If you had lied/Your lie made me feel as though the trust bond in our friendship wasn't mutual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I felt that it wasn't fair that, while I've been honest all of the time, you could have/have lied to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something along those lines, always making sure to put the emphasis on how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; felt. If they didn't lie, or if they felt they had good reasons to, then chances are you will have hurt their feelings. If that is the case, and if you value this friendship over your pride, an apology will fit well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I was overzealous/distrusting of you. I value our friendship and trust too much, and I was worried about what a lie between us might have meant. I hope we can continue on trusting each other and counting on each other for everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;PERSONAL ADVICE:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Drop the matter. I don't think this was as big of an issue as you might be thinking. Maybe you can still talk about it with them, but personally I'd just pretend it never happened. Now, if this becomes recurring, then fair's fair, your reasons for questioning them would be sound and justified. But, while I'm not a fan of lies either, I'm also not a fan of losing friends/losing their trust/alienating them over smalls issues. At the end of the day, it's up to you to decide whether or not this is really worthy of an issue to tackle with such importance as you're giving it. Be very careful not to hurt their feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10317" LastEditorUserId="10317" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T19:39:09.597" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T19:39:09.597" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11113" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-27T21:09:01.227" Score="7" ViewCount="1030" Body="&lt;p&gt;How can I politely end a conversation with a stranger whom I don't want to speak to?  Particularly one that seems to interested in sparking some romance?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happened to me last weekend and it's happened to me before a few times.  I'm a 20 something guy who has lived in NYC for many years now.  The sit  I'll be at some social gathering with my friends in a reasonably public place, bar nightclub etc. I am &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; there with friends and I never make an effort to speak to members of the opposite sex since I'm happily in a relationship.  However, there are usually girls who come up and speak to me, usually interrupting a conversation I'm having with my friends.  I don't mind speaking with strangers and am generally a fairly jovial person, but I have &lt;em&gt;zero&lt;/em&gt; interest in speaking in a drunk stranger I don't know who started a conversation with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to talk to them for too long since that seems to be equated to interest in that person and alternatively I don't want to tell them to go away immediately.  What's the best way to cut these conversations short without any bad feelings?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13436" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T17:43:34.400" Title="How can I politely end a conversation started at a nightclub?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-27T21:13:50.620" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel that leaving her a note is too aggressive, the next time your eyes meet do the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make a motion that looks like removing the headphones.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cock your head to the side (or raise your eyebrows, that sort of thing).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least in the US, that should be pretty clear body language that you're wondering if she'll remove her headphones, the implication being you want to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she shakes her head or ignores you, just smile and go back to your laptop.  &lt;em&gt;Do not be a creep&lt;/em&gt; - you took your shot and she doesn't want to be bothered.  If she changes her mind in the future, she knows you're interested and she'll initiate the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13437" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T21:13:50.620" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11113" CreationDate="2018-02-27T21:23:36.017" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not so fast. [for the interruption] We're talking here. [smile] You seem like such a nice or interesting person. I'd be glad to talk to you but I want you to know up front, I'm not looking to hook up. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this as a person who lived in NYC for 15 years as a single woman who went to bars. If a person comes up to you drunk and interrupts you, it's fine to say: Not so fast. Meaning: Do not be so rude. Also, it is nice to acknowledge the person but be clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For those who haven't lived in NYC:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once, in a bar on a Friday night in NYC, three women approached me and my husband to be and asked if they could borrow him. How about that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NYC is special and you have to respond right to the point. The point is the young man here is not looking to hook up and it's fine, as I said, in NYC to let others know that pretty quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13148" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T16:39:49.923" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T16:39:49.923" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11107" CreationDate="2018-02-27T22:08:41.753" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is what you can figure out/should understand:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A) They didn't want you to know they were gaming (embarrassment?), &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;B) Many/Most people find &quot;White lies&quot; acceptable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;C) You won't make them change and an accusation will harm your relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't bring it up again--but REMEMBER their behavior pattern.  Never rely on/trust what this person says as fact, it may be true, but &lt;em&gt;automatic&lt;/em&gt; trust is out of the question.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people are willing to throw out a &quot;I was doing school work&quot; instead of &quot;I was playing a game&quot;, this alone isn't necessarily a big deal it just means that they don't think it's any of your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see ANY lying, however, start paying attention because some people are pathological liars who will lie by default and are so earnest that the lies can be difficult to see (I think they tend to believe them)--I don't understand it, but I've met quite a few.  If you see a pattern of lying on things that they don't even need to lie about then remember it because absolutely anything they say is more likely a lie than not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here are some types of behavior you should track and probably won't change:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People who can be trusted to always tell the truth by default--they are somewhat rare finds.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Expect a few small lies now and then from most people.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some will lie to manipulate you to get what they want.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some are pathological and lie for no reason whatsoever.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember what category people are in so you know how much weight to give their statements in the future.  The first two categories are fine, the last two categories you want to be VERY careful of!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember to treasure your integrity with others as well--once lost with any individual it can't ever truly be regained (In their eyes). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2273" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T22:08:41.753" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11113" CreationDate="2018-02-27T22:09:23.297" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could try using nonverbal cues like repositioning yourself to not face them and to even move away, but if the individual has been drinking it's possible they'll miss those cues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd stick with just saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Haha, yeah, (acknowledge whatever they said).  Well hey, I need to get back to my friends, but it was nice talking. Have a good rest of your night.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any reasonable person will likely sense your disinterest and disengage you. However if they still try to talk to you, just insist:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, I'm busy right now, no thanks.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, continue to face your friends and only acknowledge your friends from this point on.  Eventually the drunk stranger will give up and pursue someone more interested in a making a connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T22:09:23.297" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11107" CreationDate="2018-02-27T22:35:17.010" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are other answers addressing whether or not the person may actually be lying and whether you have any right to be prying into their life so my answer will focus on whether them lying (if they are) is even a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both my friend and I are slightly introverted and sometimes when I ask them to do something they'll say something like they're busy doing assignments. Usually this is not actually the case and they actually just don't want to talk right now but it is easier for both of us if we pretend that they're busy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid lies, the alternative would be them saying something like &quot;Sorry I don't want to talk to you right now.&quot; which comes off as almost hostile, which I believe is worse than the minor falsehood told.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In conclusion, minor lies to preserve social niceties are justified, when the truth would be hurtful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13442" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T22:35:17.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="703" CreationDate="2018-02-27T23:03:43.350" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in Texas, US.  I consider it rude.  It's not the actual car in the driveway that's the issue, it's the &quot;I don't recognize this stranger's vehicle pulling into my driveway&quot;.  I immediately go into a mode of expecting solicitors or worse, and make sure the dogs are ready to put up a good bark.  Just because I'm in a neighborhood that doesn't allow me to put a front privacy fence doesn't mean I want every Tom, Dick, and Harry coming in to try and sell me something or preach at me.  It doesn't really make it any better that the driver later backs out of the driveway.  I personally will go well out of my way to not turn around in someone's driveway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13449" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T23:03:43.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11113" CreationDate="2018-02-27T23:12:42.650" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this one is simple, honest, polite and firm. Something along the lines of &quot;no thank you&quot; is fine. you don't owe her explanation or apology. If you think saying a little more like adding &quot;Sorry I am here to visit with friends&quot; will help them get the message that's fine. Adding insults or personalizing it will tend to have the undesirable result of complicating the brush off.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastActivityDate="2018-02-27T23:12:42.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11122" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11124" CreationDate="2018-02-27T23:42:29.253" Score="7" ViewCount="79590" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently contacted a restaurant where I had a bad experience, and a manager got back in contact with me. At the end of the email, they said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would very much appreciate the opportunity to speak with you personally to address all of your concerns and regain your confidence in our ability to provide you with a great dining experience. Please feel free to contact me directly at (555)123-4567 or by email at name@example.com&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not really comfortable making phone calls, so I am sending an email response. But it just feels much less like &quot;speaking with me directly&quot; than a phone call. How can I politely inform the person that if they still want to talk, they can call me instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13454" LastActivityDate="2020-08-25T05:44:08.700" Title="How can I politely ask someone to call me? (As opposed to me calling them)" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11123" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11076" CreationDate="2018-02-28T00:04:38.420" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to tell you this but I really doubt a literal answer to your question makes anything better longterm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the situation: Your wife has been hurt and now she hurts herself with those memories and what she feels those memories mean for her life. &lt;strong&gt;If she keeps that up, she might eventually create what she fears.&lt;/strong&gt; Driving you away because being suspected of cheating for years might make you fall out of love and the very fear of losing you might become a reality. At best the marriage becomes stale. It seems to have already started.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not think it helps if you try to make her not be jealous because she's jealous for a reason. Maybe not a good reason but her feelings of insignificance and uncertainty are real and won't go away by being bottled up or by being made wrong. &lt;strong&gt;Whatever brains do, think or feel, they do it for a reason and they usually need a better alternative to get the same result in order to let go of the old behavior.&lt;/strong&gt; Because in a way, the old behavior is needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She desperately tries to save the relationship with you, she's just pretty clumsy. So honor her intent, just not her approach. &lt;strong&gt;She wants to keep you in her life.&lt;/strong&gt; That's a good thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the question: how exactly did you help her forget the bad past? Have you stopped doing anything that has helped before? Most couples do. Change that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because while blaming her might be justified, it's you and you alone who can do something about it because you are the only person you have control over. So being the person she wants in her life gives you lots of opportunity to influence her positively. And you can use that. And you should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How often do you surprise her with something she really values emotionally? That screams in her language: I love you? Women do appreciate small stuff men wouldn't care about. How often do you tell her what you like about her? What do you regularly do to make her feel significant and certain about your love? Women need attention. It's mostly inbuilt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I suggest is to get off the autopilot. &lt;strong&gt;A relationship does not happen, it is built and maintained and nurtured.&lt;/strong&gt; And there's lots of little things that need to be done on a regular basis that are never urgent or pressing, just important. So they get neglected easily and people then wonder why the relationship isn't as much fun as in the old days. And why your wife mostly focuses on her fears. Obviously she's not busy enough with thinking about fun stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a mean excercise. In a quiet moment, take the time and look her in the eyes and give her a chance to tell you what she feels. I mean really look in her eyes. Not 10 seconds, not a minute. As long as it takes to really feel her. Give her presence. Feel her pain. Don't think of sports. Look in her eyes and really keep making her and her feelings the only important thing for a moment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;See the woman you love through all the dumb behavior and the hurt and let her express herself and love her the whole time&lt;/strong&gt;. When your eyes start to water you're partly there. Her feelings need to be acknowledged or she will feel you don't take her seriously and she won't be open for change and won't listen. In the end she must own the decision to let got of the past but at the start of change her status quo is right. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you come from a place of love and not from a place of hurt feelings because she does the wrong thing, you can, in that momen, take her for what she is. A beautiful soul, the woman you fell in love with, deeply hurt, deeply afraid of losing you. If you think of what she does wrong, you are not with her, but with yourself and that won't help you a bit in getting her trust. Because she will sense that you are more concerned about yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not suggest becoming a martyr. Neither do I suggest pleasing her so much that she'll lose all respect for you. I suggest opening her up. Before you have opened her, she won't be open to change because she thinks she cannot do better than to control you. And you open her with love that she feels, with the feeling to be understood and with presence. If you give her ground to stand on, she will have better options than to cling to the bad past and to control. Her jealousy is a symptom not the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In the end, behavior that gets reinforced gets repeated.&lt;/strong&gt; The trick is to find the right, fitting reinforcements. Remember: the brain you want to influence makes the rules. It can be an amazing game to find the right levers and use them and see her gain more freedom and more trust. Make no mistake: you both train each other and reinforce behaviors and change each other anyway. You just don't do it consciously and it hurts you both. The current change is not improvement. Autopilot is bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here's another very valuable game you two can play:&lt;/strong&gt; Arrange a few quiet hours in an environment that makes both of you comfortable and then try this: You try to explain to her the whole situation. Easy, right?. But from &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; point of view. And you are not finished until she is satisfied with the result. And when you have her full approval of what you said, you switch roles and she explains to your the situation from &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; point of view until you are satisfied. It forces both of you to understand each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can train pattern interrupts&lt;/strong&gt;. By now both of you are probably accustomed to act and react a certain way. Have you ever been as polite and friendly as possible to someone who deserves it the least? Your friendlyness being stronger than their negativity? Leading intelligently instead of following aggression? That's a pattern interrupt. They just don't know how to interpret it. There are better reactions to jealousy than hurt feelings or conformity. That needs exploration and study and training. Martial artists can react well because they train. Dancers can move amazingly graceful because they train. The same goes for any social situation. But they actually train, they don't just move. That's the difference between their skills and most people's social skills. They don't train, they react and make do. It's the difference between a ballet class and a walk in the park. That's why the results are not always pretty in everyday life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You have not won when she understands that her jealousy is wrong, you have won when she feels inside that she doesn't need her jealousy anymore.&lt;/strong&gt; Two very different things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One could write a whole book about this because the solution depends on rules and beliefs in your heads. Those dictate what new behaviors you have to train in order to encourage new behavior in her. Course changes that make you both happier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a video called relationship storms by Robbins Madanes. Pretty good knowledge. Maybe you find a used copy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12148" LastEditorUserId="12148" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T13:36:42.820" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T13:36:42.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11122" CreationDate="2018-02-28T01:57:32.197" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just send an email that says something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I look forward to discussing this with you.  I am available Thursday&#xA;  between 2 and 4pm.  Just give me a call, my phone&#xA;  number is (xxx)xxx-xxxx.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[your name here]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does several things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It tells them that you are currently busy but approachable and that you actually want to have a dialog, as opposed to a &quot;yell at them&quot; session.  After all, if you just wanted to complain you could do that safely from the comfort of an email without fear of interruption.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;By giving a 2 hour window, it says that you value their time as well.  Hopefully this will help you come across as more reasonable because you aren't demanding that they drop whatever hot plate they have at that moment to speak to you.  I'm sure any restaurant manager would appreciate this and could easily find 10 minutes over the course of 2 hours to contact you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Finally, it does exactly what you want which is put the ball into their court to be the one that actually dials the phone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6073" LastEditorUserId="6073" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T02:24:14.613" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T02:24:14.613" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11107" CreationDate="2018-02-28T02:15:57.367" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;How I'd handle it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;me: &quot;Dude, you are busted.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  him: &quot;What?!?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  me: (while smiling) &quot;Steam says you weren't doing homework at all.  So how was CoD?&quot;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point there are lots of possible responses.  Either way, it broaches the subject in a non-threatening way without starting off with a belief of being lied to.  The trick is to make sure you aren't coming across as a stalker...  Which, I hope you weren't stalking them because that is clingy in a creepy way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6073" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T02:15:57.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11076" CreationDate="2018-02-28T04:08:55.413" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's been mentioned before and I'll mention it again but with a slightly different slant:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Couples Therapy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wife has her issues and you have issues with the way that this is impacting on your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is difficult to raise this with your wife when things are &quot;going smoothly&quot; but that is when you need to do it, not when emotions are running high.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell your wife you love her and that your relationship is important to you but you feel like her issues from her previous marriage are impacting yours. Tell her this is something you want to resolve &lt;strong&gt;with&lt;/strong&gt; her. Let her know you understand where her feelings are coming from but you want the two of you to work together to make your relationship better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not make this her problem to resolve alone, it is something to tackle together as a couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may not hurt to have a couple of counsellors in mind before raising this with your wife. If she is willing to enter couples therapy it will show her how serious you are about this and it gives you something to action immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a side note, I'm willing to bet these issues started to arise about 8 months into your current marriage, coinciding with when your wife was previously hurty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12450" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T04:08:55.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11113" CreationDate="2018-02-28T04:09:22.007" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When they ask questions, give very short answers and don't ask them any questions. This will make them see that you aren't very interested in them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, casually mention your non-single status--maybe bring attention to your wedding/engagement/promise ring, or if they ask about a place or event just be like &quot;oh yeah, I love [insert concert/museum/hobby], and it's amazing; I just went there the other day with my SO, [insert your partner's name]!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in case some girl still doesn't realize that this means you're not interested, just tell them politely, &quot;Hey, you're a wonderful girl. Sorry if you don't get the hint, but I'm not interested.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13224" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T04:09:22.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-28T05:07:18.487" Score="-5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have read most of the answers, but none has found themselves in your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I did.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's this cute girl at a local shop that I visit every day. She's very vibrant and given we're a bunch of meat, you ought to give in to your instincts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or do you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, let's think about this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe we're all mature enough to understand the fact that people react differently to you based on how they feel about you. This, in turn, is affected by how you look, how you smell, what you say, but for basic sexual pleasure - looks are everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a male, the odds are stacked against you. A woman, by her nature, is careful with whom she picks as her mate, biologically speaking, women carry a big responsibility for their off-spring. They can't just go around giving in to anyone, they have to be picky. Even these women who we'd call &quot;easy going&quot; only go for what they feel is biologically safe / sound.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this knowledge in mind, she's common-senseley (making up words!) not into you, unless you look very good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you did look very good, you wouldn't ask this question, so I'll make the assumption.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, it's simple: you get rejected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this is where our similarities come in to play:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking, had I not had a girlfriend, would I ask this girl out? Assuming she had no boyfriend and was available, what would she say?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Probably a big no.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what happens after, due to the dynamics of her life is, every time I go to that damn shop, she will feel somewhat at unease. She'll now believe I go there just to see her and while you can't be judged in court for this, she will think it's creepy, she'll then tell her co-workers and they'll start to subtly take a pick on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'd say - don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you will, though, I believe questions related to love on this site are mostly looking for that one answer of &quot;do what your heart tells you&quot;, but seriously - your best bet, really is to establish rapport in another way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll just assume you're somewhat smart as to not be caught doing this and that you've already made your mind up. My goal here is to help you not mess up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Build a relationship first, as one answer notes. Try to engage her when you see her, but just minimally. Don't offer compliments, rather, try to just be friendly. Once you feel (please, do try to assess objectively) she's feeling somewhat comfortable, go in for a more direct hit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You were thinking about tackling her during work? Wrong. This will not get you a natural reaction and is prone to outside interaction from her co-workers and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to see when she gets out. Casually go her way, drop something or try to create a natural interaction, then start conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's where you'll go wrong, due to these butterflies, oh man -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You won't know where to stop and it'll turn creepy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say just letting her know you exist, more than simply being a stranger is enough for now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ball is in her field as of now and she'll be the one to decide if she wants to play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps. Being a little bit creepy, is okay, if you can't help it (you should), but don't be a stalker. No one likes that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13473" LastEditorUserId="13473" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T05:14:06.943" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T05:14:06.943" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11131" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-28T06:07:02.363" Score="4" ViewCount="1039" Body="&lt;p&gt;In group conversations, certain co-workers would make offensive remarks to suggest I may be gay. I am a male gay and am not out of the closet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples of such remarks:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Would you prefer an introduction to a male lover instead?&quot;,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sure you will be comfortable at the new location. There are plenty of men there.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way I can react/respond to such comments without compromising my desire to remain closeted?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13475" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T22:06:25.247" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T22:06:25.247" Title="How to respond to co-worker who suggest you may be gay?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-02-28T08:43:15.580" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11088" CreationDate="2018-02-28T07:40:39.297" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Over the years I have learned to apply the following rule: a large enough number of &quot;I can't&quot; mean &quot;I don't want to&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At a certain point  (sooner rather than later, I would say), you need to put the ball in the other's person court and leave it there. If they want to see you, they'll contact you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people seem content with relationships of the form &quot;we have to get together one of these days&quot;, and said days never come by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2220" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T07:40:39.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11076" CreationDate="2018-02-28T08:27:04.610" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This might not be easy to hear but there isn't a way you can just tell her about how you feel and have it help her. She has deep feelings of hurt and resentment and it will take time to deal with this. Feelings like this can't be turned off like a light switch; these things take time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was married before and hurt very deeply, then it sounds like she got remarried before she had truly dealt with what happened. You said that &quot;she just lives in nightmares and can't trust any man or believe that no one will cheat on her&quot;, and yet, she got married which requires just that - trust that her husband (you, in this case) will not cheat on her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Couples therapy isn't a bad suggestion but your wife should get some help to sort through this. You should find some support as well so you won't go through this process on your own. It's not just her problem; you married her. But if you can patiently deal with this and she sees she needs help, you can get through it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13481" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T08:27:04.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11107" CreationDate="2018-02-28T08:27:23.850" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are likely to offend or hurt your firend. Consider not brining this up.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience if person accepts telling lies as part of their reality, there is rarely anything you can say that would change that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you decide to talk, do not accuse. Nobody likes that.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't really have a proof. You might think you do, but you don't. There could be a way you did not think of how game time can increase without him playing. People do not appreciate being accused rightly and especially wrongly, and you could be in the wrong here, despite feeling so sure that you are right. It is also quite possible that your friend &lt;em&gt;was busy playing games and doing homework&lt;/em&gt;. When I concentrate on something, be it working, reading, playing a computer game or chatting with my friend I often prefer not to be disturbed, and when approached by a text message or chat, I can reply that I'm busy right now, because it's true. Yes, I can be busy playing games! He told you he was doing homework, and well may be he was at least a few minutes in these past 4 hours, so that would not be a lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get on the same page.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you insist on talking to him, set your expectation correctly. He is likely to change his behavior only if he &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; believes that there is something wrong with it. If he does not your chances of changing that is slim to none. You can have a talk with him about you core values in the context of friendship. You can explain to him that in a relationship you value honesty above all else. You can even admit, that you are more fussy at the subject than most people so even a small dishonesty riles you. Get him to tell you his point of view. Ask him when he thinks a lie is justified, get on the same page.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;People lie. To some of them you already developed attachment. Learn to deal with it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leads me to the last point. It's likely that in the course of your life you will meet many people, some of which you will like, that have very different set of ideas from yours in regards to acceptability of lying. It is unrealistic to expect to change them all. It is also quite likely that you can find yourself attached to some of them, so excluding them on that basis could be painful. I don't appeal to you to lower your standard, I just urge you to think how you can make it easier on yourself when a situation like this presents itself. I found that having a bit of tolerance helps. In many cases you won't have proof, you will have suspicions. It may help to make a rule, that when you don't have a conclusive proof (and steam hours is not it) you give the other person a benefit of the doubt by assuming that they are not guilty unless proved otherwise. If you can sell yourself on that idea, I think you can immediately get a bit happier, like that current situation would not bother you for long because you'd assume that the person did &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; lie to you. I assure you, if you are lied to consistently and on many occasions it will stand out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7214" LastEditorUserId="7214" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T08:41:38.297" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T08:41:38.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11138" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-02-28T09:26:07.380" Score="13" ViewCount="8903" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly I'm not sure is this the right place to ask so please tell me if not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a 16 year old male and I need some help with talking about money and borrowing with my parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost a month ago my desktop PC's PSU broke. The PC in question is about four years old and was a prebuilt system, from Fujitsu if I remember correctly. Obviously that means that the PC is no longer working and I have been using my phone and tablet to do things. I would buy new parts for it but problem is that I'm too shy to ask my parents for the parts I'd need. I think my dad is the first person who comes in my mind to ask first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other Issues:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to build a PC and I've considered using newer parts but my dad is a bit of a 'cheapskate' in so much that he thinks &quot;why would you need a powerful computer, you don't do anywhere near that kind of work&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That makes me freak the hell out as I need a working computer for school and I like to play games on computer, as I like to build DIY things (from OTG cable to computer case). I don't want to keep borrowing my brother's laptop as it's really not very good and doesn't do the things I need it to. The main thing is that I'm too shy to ask for anything from my parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need some advice on how I should approach my dad about getting parts to build a computer. Keeping in mind the need to defend some of my part choices with them being newer and potentially more expensive than the basic components.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;** Thank you so much peoples who have answered to this!!!** &#xA;I will figure my situation out. For sure i will earn the money by myself for things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13486" LastEditorUserId="13488" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T10:54:08.870" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T20:00:33.763" Title="How do I ask my Dad to finance my computer?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11139" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11088" CreationDate="2018-02-28T09:45:49.770" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Following up on the excellent answers of AndreiROM and Alexander Aeos Tom &lt;strong&gt;letting them invite you, may not always be the right solution.&lt;/strong&gt; While this may work with most people, in my experience there are people who are just too shy, lazy or forgetful to respond, even if they would have interest in spending time with you and enjoy it. This is especially true for people who are very busy or introverted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My proposed approach to this problem is to make long-term plans with them on the spot.&lt;/strong&gt; This means that whenever they say they are busy, you ask them when will they be free next time and arrange for a meeting then. It happened to me many times that these plans were 3 weeks or 2 months before the occasion. This can also let them change the subject of the meeting, they may not like drinking and say for example that you could join them when they go to the car expo next week instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach has drawbacks as well, by asking them for long-term plans you are forcing them to either tell you they aren't interested in meeting you or giving a plan they wouldn't enjoy. Because of this, you should let them get away with an &quot;I don't know&quot;, or &quot;I'll let you know&quot; which usually means they have no interest or they will call you when they have. Also keep in mind that long term plans can be canceled often and may need to be rescheduled. Be patient if this happens, since you are the one forcing a plan that may not be possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2635" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T09:45:49.770" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11107" CreationDate="2018-02-28T09:50:10.583" Score="1" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Accusing someone of lying doesn't go over well. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Snooping (aka invading privacy) on someone doesn't go over well.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They will claim the game was running in the background, making you the only one who's wrong. And contrary to your belief, people quite frequently let single player games idle in the background.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If someone is busy - even if that means playing a game - that is the very opposite of &lt;em&gt;&quot;the person [...] has the time to chat with me.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; Demanding attention will cause people to avoid the demanding person.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you are known get mad at people because they play a game instead of chatting with you, these people have 4 options: 1. Comply. 2. Don't give a f* if you're mad. 3. Claim they were doing another activity. 4. Ignore you. - Number 3 is probably the best outcome for you out of these 4.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, what can you do to improve the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accept that people occasionally prefer other activities to chatting with you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Convey that you're not offended or disappointed if they play a game, so they do not feel the need to bend the truth.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Learn to not be so easily offended. White lies are part of human relationships, even - or especially - close ones.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to confront people you can attempt to do so jokingly, but if you do so regularly it becomes transparent and offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah homework. I leveled up 3 times doing homework yesterday. You?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T09:50:10.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-28T10:23:04.277" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Of course it can be done, but do not ignore the top answers. They are right in that the headphones are an intentional barrier. If she were very much interested in you, she would have used one of those smiling moments to remove them and show you that she is available for talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But&lt;/strong&gt; - you can still be both respectful of her barrier and initiate a closer contact. By now you probably know what she usually drinks and how much of it. Wait until you think hers will be over within the next minutes, then go and order one. Put it on her table, just within her reach, without saying anything and calmly walk back to your table and continue your own work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are respecting her boundaries, both the headphones - by not talking to her - and the physical zone by reaching in just enough to deposit the coffee and by leaving immediately after you did that, giving her the space back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ball is now in her court. Courtesy requires her to at least say &quot;thank you&quot;. The way she does that will tell you how interested she is in you. If he keeps the headphones on (i.e. the barrier up), that occasional exchange of smiles is all she wants and you read the chemistry wrong. If she takes the headphones off to thank you, you can initiate a conversation. If she puts her stuff down and joins you at your table, you should cancel your plans for the evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T10:23:04.277" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T10:32:12.987" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Think about why you &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; a fast and powerful PC.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you need a fast PC to look at websites? No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you need a fast PC to write text or do something in Excel? No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likely the only reason for a powerful PC is that you &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to play games with it. I understand this. But I wouldn't say you &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So maybe explain to your dad that you need a new PC to do your work and tell him that a cheap PC would do the job. And ask him if he will buy that for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if he agrees to that then maybe you can ask him if he would also consider buying you a more powerful PC because you like to play games. And maybe you can convince your father that you will do this and that if he agrees to that. But don't pretend you &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; a fast PC if in reality a second hand cheap PC would be good enough for what you really need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T10:32:12.987" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T10:33:56.920" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have often been in this situation at your age and learned to make a &quot;good presentation&quot; of my requirements. But I've always tried hard to ensure that most of my parents' such expenditures for me were justified on solid grounds of need, utility and cost effectiveness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you have stated Dad feels that you don't need a top class computer at this point, you are already in a handicap to achieve &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; your aims, because &quot;need&quot; carries much more weight with parents than &quot;want&quot; and they cannot be expected to spend a lot of money for what they consider your &quot;want&quot; rather than &quot;need&quot;, even if they are rich, because it is their hard-earned money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, the sensible interpersonal approach would involve your attempting to present your wish for (money for) a new computer as something cost-effective that realistically benefits your future studies for at least the next 3 years, and you must be able to justify your proposal without making any misleading statements. In other words &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you may have to compromise on choice if necessary, to select something that will be genuinely useful for your education&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. You should also assume the responsibility to make good use of it to achieve substantial educational gains in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you need to prepare a strong case, but you must also be sure to approach Dad with a proper consideration of his financial committments &lt;em&gt;that you are aware of&lt;/em&gt;, since it would be unfair to ask him for a costly machine if he has other important payments to make at this point of time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you think he can afford it, you should assess the cost benefit and avoid asking for very expensive high powered components that he would obviously consider unnecessary. You might feel shy to ask your parents for money but teenagers are often dependent on their parents for major expenditures and you can ask them, if you feel your requirement is reasonable and legitimate. You should also be careful to make the approach when Dad is calm and relaxed and has time to listen to your proposal, and you must then give him as much time as he needs to reach a decision. You can also decide to make your request to both parents together, if you think it will improve your chances of getting a favorable result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, there is no use being disappointed if your first demand is refused or postponed. It is especially crucial to avoid a big fight because you are unlikely to convince anyone by creating a scene. Parents will often have expenditures you are not aware of, but if you can politely and convincingly suggest a reasonably priced machine as a very useful long term investment for your education and general needs,  Dad is likely to think about it and eventually decide to finance your computer in the near (indefinite) future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T07:11:29.780" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T07:11:29.780" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T10:53:26.717" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem with being to shy/humble too ask your parents for anything..&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had the same problem forever, never asked for anything although i didn't recieve any kind of pocket money.&#xA;I can't give you advice on that - you just have to ask. Just do it.(© 2018 Nike).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Advice:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do tho is beginning a conversation like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Dad i know i never ask for anything but this is really important to&#xA;  me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way your dad does not get caught completely off-guard and already knows &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'ah somebody big is coming my way - he usually never says something&#xA;  like his'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a little pause you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You know my old PC broke down a few months agoand so far it has&#xA;  really been a pain to complete schoolwork on the tablet - im so much&#xA;  slower, can't copy anything except in school which also takes much&#xA;  longer than at home..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and of course there is playing games which you know i really liked -&#xA;  and i miss not beeing able to play at all with friends online etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Emergency plan:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he declines right away or seems not to be thrilled about your idea, first say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It would also be great as my birthday or christmas present, or both&#xA;  together!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or lastly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I am also ready to pay part of it as far as im able to do so. But i&#xA;  really need one, school only gets more callenging without a computer&#xA;  as time goes on!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12107" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T10:53:26.717" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11145" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11107" CreationDate="2018-02-28T11:02:16.840" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How do I ask someone to avoid lying because I prefer the truth?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you don't need to tell anybody that you prefer the truth over lies. Everybody &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to be told the truth, and while I also abhor lying there is the opinion among some that if we all knew the whole truth about everything we wouldn't be able to handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, you'd probably say that you'd want to know if a so-called &quot;friend&quot; was being nice to your face, but constantly slandering you behind your back, because you'd then know they weren't a loyal friend and you'd likely ditch them. But if you knew &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt; your friends said about you in private you'd end up getting hurt by all the little things that they might find irritating about you &lt;em&gt;but still like you anyway&lt;/em&gt;, which is kind of what friendship is all about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you've stumbled onto the fact your friend said he was doing homework when actually he was gaming, and now you're trying to deal with being told a lie. But the lie itself didn't really affect you in any major way, other than he didn't respond to online messages. He didn't use it to get out of an arrangement with you or anything like that. This is a matter of principle for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may have been &quot;lying to himself&quot; as much as anything. Perhaps he &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; have been doing homework but was procrastinating playing games. So his response to you wasn't actually a lie because that is what his time was earmarked for.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He wasn't lying. Maybe he was gaming a bit, doing a bit of homework, coming back to his game... or maybe someone else (a friend, a sibling) was gaming on his device whilst logged in with his profile?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you confront him about lying and he wasn't then you may do more damage to your friendship than a lie of these proportions really ought to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T11:02:16.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T11:45:16.950" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is only really a fragment of an answer, and should be used in tandem with other answers, but you could try offering a False Choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can find a pre-build that has the specification you want that costs more than the equivalent individual parts, you could ask for the pre-build knowing that Dad is going to say 'no', then come back a week later with the list of parts, presenting it as a 'cheaper' option- &quot;I know you said no to _____, but here's the same thing for less money&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might cross the line from 'convincing' to 'active trickery', so bear that in mind if that's not something you're comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13496" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T11:45:16.950" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11107" CreationDate="2018-02-28T12:27:35.397" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;An untruth told only really becomes a &quot;lie&quot; if any of these apply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if the person it is told to has reason to rely on being told the truth (it seems to be obvious to both of you that this is not the case between you)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if you have a right to the truth (eg if telling you the truth has been promised, or if it is about something that concerns YOU).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if you have a right to something the false statement is about (eg if it is about money owed. &quot;his time&quot; might NOT be included in that list!).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T12:27:35.397" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T12:40:07.840" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;It could be helpful to diverge from the idea that your dad &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt; to finance your computer (parts).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the type of parts/computer you want are not a necessity but a luxury, get offers for both. Present your dad with both options. As you need the computer for school, hopefully he will be willing to pay for the basic option. But what about the extras you want?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask for (parts of them) as a gift (birthday or any other occasion of choice)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask for a &quot;deal&quot; where some challenge for you is involved that he really would like you to achieve (Would you get me some of this if my grade in the next math test is better than...?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask for a way to do special chores and get paid for it (wash the car, mow the lawn, whatever you usually do not do and is a reasonable effort)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask if you can take up a side job to pay for this kind of luxury now and in the future&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask him for advice to finance this, but not for the money itself (maybe I missed something you could do)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; do: Behave in any way that he thinks you feel entitled to get the extras. Instead, give him the idea that you are willing to work for luxuries. And in fact be willing to do so. You might not have to after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T12:40:07.840" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T12:48:36.133" Score="11" Body="&lt;h3&gt;School duties - &quot;need&quot;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you need the computer to perform your school duties, I think you can reasonably ask for a money to fix it or to have it fixed instead - just explain in concrete terms and with examples which school duties you need the computer for and which cannot be reasonably performed on a mobile phone. (Note: This assumes you really have duties which you need the computer for, which I assume you do have - if you do not, I am afraid you are out of luck).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt any parent will see such request as unjustified. Still this might be a non-trivial expense for your parent, depending on your family situation, and you should try to understand if you father responds that he would like to, but currently it is not possible to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Hobby upgrade - &quot;want&quot;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to upgrade some performance critical parts (like a graphical card, or a SSD disk) so that you can play games, edit videos or perform any other hobby of your own, you should not hide it under the &quot;school duties&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be honest in this - first to yourself, than to your parents. Most parents are not naive and when they detect attempt to deceive them, they can sometimes harden against any requests in this direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note however that if you show some signs of computer / videogames addiction already, they may not like this and may not be cooperative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Building/buying a new computer is in the same category. Do some accounting first: how much would a new PC cost? How much would cost just basic repairs? How much would repairs + upgrade cost?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Show interest by trying&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you know what you want, you can also ask yourself what you could do to achieve this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can suggest some part of this as a birthday / Christmass present, but an approach which I think has much higher chance to succeed is when you find something which you can &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; for what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you earn money by some part time job? Or, if getting such jobs is really impossible where you live, would it be possible to make a deal with your parents to help with some domestic chores which normally you would not be expected to help with? Or to improve your school grades or whatever you know your parents would be glad to see from you? Most parents welcome such approach and are willing to help once they see you do not expect to get what you want for granted. I have seen parents make a deal with their kids which could look like &quot;for each USD/EUR/XXX you earn for this on your own I will add the same amount&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Computer age&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your dad is at least a bit computer savvy, you will have a hard time convincing him a four years computer is way too old and unusable now. Computer HW is not changing that fast since at least 2012 - as &lt;a href=&quot;https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2016/02/moores-law-really-is-dead-this-time/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Moore's law has collapsed&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: I am a father and a professional programmer, working on a computer which is 6 years old, and it was by no means high-end when it was bought. Last year my PSU broke and I replaced it.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12421" LastEditorUserId="12421" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T14:10:48.640" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T14:10:48.640" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T13:11:21.470" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have to make and spend time for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make Time?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make time to think how much you do for your family specially dad, how much quality time you spend with him? how much u care for him? How good is your bond with your dad? Does he trust you with anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Spend Time?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Spend time to think to resolve any flaws you found after Making Time and lastly can your dad afford your requirement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you are good to go... Spend a week at least, it will work..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13502" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T13:11:21.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T13:23:59.837" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Build your case based on &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; goals (your education, prep for college if that's in the cards, SAT study) rather than yours. Don't BS, but relate it to the &quot;good&quot; reasons for having a computer and you may find a more receptive audience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is your parent's perception of your computer use? If they think you lock yourself away all day just playing computer games, they may think that's contributing to your shyness. Unless you can make a good case for the computer providing a &lt;em&gt;positive&lt;/em&gt; influence on your life, you're in for a tough sell. You may wind up with a Chromebook simply because you already spend too much time on the computer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to know what the details of your family dynamic are, but if it's an option, tell your mom or siblings if you interact with them more on a daily basis. They may be more sympathetic, or at least increase your odds of finding a sympathetic ear. Your dad may be more inclined to offer help if he indirectly hears of your plight rather than it coming across as your asking. Let them know you have to borrow computers or work in the school lab if that's the case. Perhaps ask for a lift to use the library computer when doing an important report. Let them notice the inconvenience and stress added due to the lack of a functional computer rather than asking out of the blue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to add a personal note: Computer gaming doesn't have to be an anti-social activity. It can be &quot;quality family time&quot;. I was a gamer before I had kids, and we still play games together regularly nearly 30 years later, even though both are located hundreds or thousands of miles away. Consider playing your games with family members. My sons and I regularly played FPS and RTS game growing up. That alone incentivized me to keep our machines reasonably up-to-date. Consider playing some games &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt; dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11373" LastEditorUserId="11373" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T14:57:02.947" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T14:57:02.947" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-28T14:12:37.857" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally, I would agree with the suggestions that you shouldn't try to talk to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also avoid being too direct - buying her a drink or handing her a note puts an obligation on her to respond and is also quite a dramatic escalation of interaction between you if you've only previously acknowledged each other with a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, there is a more subtle way to non-verbally 'step up' the communication: If you see her regularly and feel that she's likely to recognise you then you could wave hello to her next time. This shows familiarity and friendliness (a step up from just a smile) but still gives her the opportunity to choose whether she responds in kind without it being too confrontational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If&lt;/em&gt; she wants to have a conversation, this could also be an opening for her to remove her headphones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11096" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T14:12:37.857" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11093" CreationDate="2018-02-28T14:25:09.960" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't put Anna on the chopping block, but admit to her it feels like the dynamic of the friendship has changed recently, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey Anna, I feel like since I shared the news that we would be moving, the dynamic in our friendship has been off.  Is there something bothering you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says no, you shouldn't push farther.  You've given her an open invitation to talk about whatever it is that has changed her attitude, and she's decided she doesn't want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she asks what dynamic changes you're talking about, be honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I feel like you've been communicating with me less.  When we do talk, there have been a couple times you've expressed disapproval of the neighborhood and house we are moving to.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that the ball is in Anna's court to be honest about her change in attitude.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she admits to what's going on, hear her out.  Feelings are valid for the individual feeling them - even if it doesn't make sense to us sometimes.  As a personal hunch, it seems like Anna might have some insecurities; whether it be about her own home, losing your wife as a friend to a new neighborhood, or whatever the issue is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T15:25:02.007" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T15:25:02.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11154" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11158" CreationDate="2018-02-28T14:29:13.030" Score="50" ViewCount="16653" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I have polar ways of handling stress and conflict. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I come from a very conflict-averse family: when one parent is angry for something (not necessarily for reasons related to the partner), the other one just takes a step back without intervening at all. At the other end of the spectrum, her parents yell at each other and at her over the smallest issue. We took our ways of dealing with conflict after our families.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding stress, I don't build up it very easily, and I don't complain, as I think it's an ineffective way to deal with a problem. I come across as happy and carefree, even if it's not the case. She is the opposite: she's quite vocal about her problems and tends to be stressed out often. You can easily tell when she's angry, there is this distinct &quot;storm approaching&quot; feeling when she passes by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The combo of these two is that when she's stressed out, she is aggressive and blunt, &lt;em&gt;even if I'm not the source of the stress&lt;/em&gt;. While she behaves like this, I paralyze and I don't know how to react to make her feel better. Note that &lt;strong&gt;we are both aware of our issues, as we talked through them some times.&lt;/strong&gt; She's working on reducing her aggressiveness, which was actually way worse some months ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now &lt;strong&gt;she's having an &lt;em&gt;objectively stressful period&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. She only works two hours very early in the morning, and she has the rest of her day free, but she's too exhausted to do anything substantial. Moreover, we live in a flat together with other six people, most of them being younger than us. So most of the time she's surrounded by guys leading a careless life, being late at night, smoking weed etc, which reminds her even more of her monastic life. The main outcome is that she's completely worn out and has bad days pretty frequently. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This morning she was angry once more, and since I wasn't able to tell her anything to relieve her stress, she accused me of being self-centered and to chicken out every time she needs help. I can't say I completely disagree with her on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is:&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;How can I respond properly when she stresses out?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The outcomes I desire&lt;/strong&gt; are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want her to rely on me when she's stressed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While helping her, I want to handle her aggressiveness and reduce/redirect it so that I don't stress out as well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The things I already tried and didn't work:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignoring it - only makes things worse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Leaving her alone - she will sort her problem someway, but it's not really useful from me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Distracting her - she feels like I'm downplaying her reasons to be stressed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T14:44:05.010" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T13:09:15.820" Title="How can I stand by my SO when she stresses out in an aggressive way?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;italy&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T14:36:30.840" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your dad is probably right when he says that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;why would you need a powerful computer, you don't do anywhere near that kind of work&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Programming or video editing tasks are &quot;that kind of work&quot; that &quot;need a powerful computer&quot;. However, everything in life is not work ; you want a PC for leisure, and a powerful one. Still, a powerful PC may still not be necessary for gaming, as there multiples games that require modest hardware or can run on modest hardware ( I have played and finished Doom 2016 and Nier:Automata on a 13'' laptop with a nvidia 940mx, and while it was definitely not pretty, the game was fully playable and enjoyable).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus :  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You need to prove that gaming is a worthy pastime.&lt;/strong&gt; That is probably the easiest one, because even if your dad is a bit of a 'cheapskate' he will understand that you need to have time for leisure  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You need to prove that better hardware means better experience, and that the cost/value is worth it.&lt;/strong&gt; While better graphics may means a better experience, you need to ask yourself if the gap from 1080p graphics to 4K graphics is worth 300€ for instance (disclaimer :I have no idea of the real cost)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You need to prepare a baseline.&lt;/strong&gt; What are the games you want to play ? What are the requirements of those games ? You can for instance watch Youtube videos of certain games running on certain hardware to have an idea.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Calculate the costs of buying a premade PC v building one v Fixing and upgrading your old PC.&lt;/strong&gt; While building a PC were less expensive in the past, with the recent boom of cryptocurrency craze, prices of GPU cards have sky-rocketed. This have less of an impact on the market of premade PCs. Plus, if it's your first time building a PC, there is always the chance that something will go wrong.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask yourself what your priorities are.&lt;/strong&gt; From your post, you have 3 goals : having a PC, having a powerful PC and building one. Your father have only one : Minimizing costs. If dropping one of your goals will reduce costs significantly you will have to argue for this particular goal with your father.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13315" LastEditorUserId="13315" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T14:55:47.820" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T14:55:47.820" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11156" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11154" CreationDate="2018-02-28T14:54:38.690" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you believe that stress makes her aggressive, then one way of dealing with it is to relieve stress. However, I'm afraid that whether you try to console her or back out and give her some space, the outcome is the same - she gets angry, aggressive and maybe accusatory. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this seems to be part of her personality, perhaps she could start working on this issue with the help of a therapist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this seems to be temporary behavior caused by current state of things she considers poor, then she needs to work on improving her situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, she may be developing some mental issues. Again, external help may be needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can see, all of it comes back to her and not you. Unless you are the actual reason for any of her life shortcomings, she needs to man up a little and   then perhaps you can support and encourage her.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T14:54:38.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11157" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11285" CreationDate="2018-02-28T14:54:59.693" Score="8" ViewCount="727" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for advice on how to deal with a complicated situation I'm going through. This is my last semester at college, and the only course I have left consists of developing a single, final project. Projects are either proposed by teachers, or by students themselves, in which case it needs to be approved by the teachers themselves. Suffice to say, teacher proposed projects are sparse, so most students usually propose one themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine (let's call him Joe) and I proposed a project that's been accepted, based on an idea that he had. I recently started working, so I don't have as much time to dedicate to the project as Joe does, but I'm really excited about it and wouldn't mind putting any and all free time I have into it, however sparse it may be. But the issue is, Joe is going through a depression. Every time we get together to work on the project, he acts uninterested and unmotivated. Which is totally understandable, given his situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My concerns are that, if Joe is unwilling (or should I say unable) to make at least the same effort as I, I don't think the project will succeed. I've tried to make him feel excited about it, to no avail. At the same time, I don't want to give up on it, for two reasons. First, I really like the project, and I fear that I might not have a chance to change and do another one this semester. Second, he's my friend and I care for him, and I want him to want to do it, as I think it would help him cope with his depression. Continuing the project without him feels like &quot;stealing&quot; his idea, so I'm not going to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm really conflicted here because I really want to finish college this semester, not a year from now, but at the same time I want to make it with him, and with his idea. But I don't think it's possible if he doesn't somehow cope with his problem. &#xA;My question is: how can I voice my concerns in a way that doesn't make him feel bad, running the risk of him just giving up on the project? How can I ask him if he really wants to do it? I just want to know if I can count on him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13507" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T22:10:54.703" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T05:20:06.787" Title="How to voice my concerns to a friend with mental health issues?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;college&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11154" CreationDate="2018-02-28T14:59:42.273" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should have a couple of very serious conversations with her about this. There's two general topics which need to be addressed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. How you should behave when she's upset.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an issue I'm quite familiar with because both my wife and I have a tendency to get angry when stressed or upset. I'm very much aware of that aspect of my personality, have worked hard at holding that response in check, and had a conversation with my wife communicating that I need some space to calm down in those situations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes, when I've had a bad day at work, or I'm otherwise upset, I need some space. I need to chill out, blow some enemies away in an online game, read a book, etc. We can talk about it a couple of hours later, but at that moment, just give me some space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It worked wonders because she then had a &quot;guide&quot; as to how to handle my poor moods. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife had a harder time understanding that she was actually behaving the exact same way I was when she was stressed (aka she would take it out on whomever crossed her first). However, she was not &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;aware&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; that she was doing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It emerged, over time, that when she's stressed she wants someone close at hand to sympathize with her, but &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; discuss the difficulties she's facing. I've learned that any constructive feedback or opinions must be voiced at a later time. In the moment, just let her vent and be there for her. That learning process was more difficult because she was not able to explicitly verbalize her needs in those tense situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to sit down with your girlfriend when you're both calm, and relaxed, unpack her behavior in an objective a manner as possible, and find a solution which allows you to coexist peacefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Communicate that stress is not an excuse to be abusive with you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the second element to the problem. Any one of us has been in a bad mood at times. Most of us have yearned (only subconsciously, I hope) for an &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;excuse&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to explosively release that stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there exists an expectation that as we mature we learn to control that explosive impulse, and &lt;em&gt;grow up&lt;/em&gt;. This is tied in closely with emotional intelligence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've all witnessed someone throw an incredibly immature, and unprofessional tantrum in the office. Why is throwing a tantrum with your loved ones any more acceptable? And the answer is that it's really not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our spouses do not deserve to be treated that way, and if we have a side to ourselves which is, for lack of a better word, vicious, we need to reign it in lest it irreparably damage the trust, and respect that bound the family together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to sit down with your girlfriend, tell her you love her, but express to her that you don't want to live your life with her as her emotional punching bag. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T17:07:20.597" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T17:07:20.597" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T15:05:08.983" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are plenty of great answers so far about how to ask for it, what I'm going to give you here is something a little different, a backup plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are solutions coming up lastly which are perfectly suited for people in your position.&#xA;Right now I have in mind a company renting (at least here in France) some devices for something like 30€/month allowing you to play recent game in the highest possible quality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty sure about american companies selling the same concepts, instead of asking your father to spen 1000-1500$ in a great computer, you could spend yourself 30$/month and have an equivalent (maybe better) gaming performance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can give you more informations about it if you want but I don't know if I'm allowed to drop some company names here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10828" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T15:05:08.983" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11160" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11154" CreationDate="2018-02-28T15:05:39.133" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've done the most important part, and that's to identify (when she's not angry), that you have different ways of dealing with stress and conflict and they aren't necessarily compatible, and one isn't superior to the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that being said, it's important to find a resolution that works for you.  Us more laid back, passive people tend to just find partners that don't do that, but I do know relationships can work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Discuss with her when she isn't angry what the best way to support her when she is angry is.  Chances are, she doesn't know either, (almost certainly she doesn't).  So, start making a list of everything you think you'd like to try and document it, because as a comment above says, this isn't a one-size fits all situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Follow through.  Try to work through your list of possible ways you can support her while redirecting the anger away from yourself.  Document the outcome, if it's positive, negative, if it made things worse, if it made things better, but not much better, etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Discuss the outcomes with her, tell her you're doing your best and you realize that it isn't her fault that she isn't able to look at things objectively when she's angry.  Discuss your list with her, show it to her, try and help her understand that you're doing all of this because you DO care and want to be able to help her unwind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of those will help you find a solution that works for you, but I would strongly, strongly suggest that you don't ever frame it as keeping it from stressing you out.  That may be the goal, but helping her find a way to deal with her stress and anger is something you should do because you care about her.  The fact that it has a beneficial side effect for you isn't the important bit.  You should help your partner grow and become a better person regardless of whether the specific behavior is a problem for you or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T15:05:39.133" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11154" CreationDate="2018-02-28T15:05:53.247" Score="12" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Don't solve the problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not your girlfriend. You can't solve her stress yourself; what you want to do is to be a sounding board for her to let off steam, and enable her to solve it herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look at it this way: she's currently stressed; the ideal outcome is to have her calm. What's an awesome way to calm down? Ranting about stuff! That doesn't mean she needs to be ranting &lt;em&gt;about&lt;/em&gt; you or &lt;em&gt;at&lt;/em&gt; you, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you've tried ignoring it, leaving her alone, and distracting her. If none of those work, the only reasonable option left that I can see is to address the stress head-on. Sit down with her, and simply ask &quot;what's getting your goat?&quot;. Let her rant about it for as long as she needs; when there's a gap in the rant, interject with some short sympathetic phrase to let her know you're listening - &quot;that sucks&quot;, or &quot;I bet that's frustrating&quot;, or something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bear in mind: what she wants may well &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; be to solve the problem. I come up against this a lot; if someone tells me about a problem, I tend to want to solve it. That's not always the best option, though - much of the time, just being a supportive ear is best. Let her know that if there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; anything you can do then you're happy to help, but otherwise just listen and sympathise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What if she lashes out at you?&lt;/strong&gt; If she lashes out while she's stressed, try to ignore it. She's stressed and probably needs to vent; you were the unfortunate outlet for it, but bringing it up while she's still stressed out about other things probably won't end well. (That doesn't mean &lt;em&gt;do nothing&lt;/em&gt;, though - if she's really laying into you, of course you calmly say that's not okay and be prepared to walk away until she calms down.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later, when she's calmed down, you can have a talk about lashing out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I know you were stressed earlier, but lashing out at me upsets me. I'm doing my best to help, but if there's anything I can do better, can you tell me about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is - remind her that you're not the source of the problem, and that you are trying to help; then, rope her into helping you help her. With any luck, that'll spark a useful conversation about how you can help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="88" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T15:05:53.247" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11157" CreationDate="2018-02-28T15:39:33.017" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems like there are two issues here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your friend has mental health issues.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have a joint project to manage and it looks like it might not be finished in time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would see about approaching both of these somewhat separately. You are genuinely concerned about your friend's wellbeing, so (if you haven't already) you could gently approach him to let him know that you are available for support and see if there is anything you can do to help him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a difficult subject so I'm sure exactly how you do this will depend on whether the two of you have discussed the subject before and how close you are as friends, but perhaps consider bringing it up when the two of you are alone together (which might even be while you are working on this project):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You seem to be a little down lately. Is everything alright? Is there anything I can do to help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You've mentioned that you've been feeling depressed, have you considered getting help for that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the project, I think that has to come afterwards. Perhaps although he would like to work on it, right now it is just stressing him out. Ask him if it would help for you to take on more of the project, don't go for an angle of whether he is unwilling or uninterested. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13513" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T15:39:33.017" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11076" CreationDate="2018-02-28T15:43:27.563" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's striking to me at how rapidly all of this has occurred.  You've been married for 2 years, she was single for a year before that and then married for 8 months.  That's less than 4 years total.  This timeline suggests a lack of maturity.  Especially if you consider the gravity of what happened to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't really talk much about your wife's relationship with her sister but it's hard for me to ignore.  The fact that her first husband cheated on her so early in the marriage is really bad.  That he did it with her sister is astoundingly cruel.  He sounds like a real asshat.  It doesn't sound like she chose her first husband very wisely.  Then, just a year later, she's married again.  None of this suggests much maturity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And back to the sister: it's hard to fathom the betrayal that she has perpetrated on your wife but she barely factors in the question.  I can't imagine that things are OK between them.  I'm guessing that means there's not a lot of love between them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So we have someone from an unhappy family jumping from marriage to marriage.  This is not a good starting place for a happy relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few other things that pop out in your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;can't trust any man or believe that no one will cheat on her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why does she need to 'trust any man' or 'believe no one will cheat'.  You are her husband.  How do other men figure into this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and I started now to be bored&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bored?  I can understand frustrated, annoyed, or concerned but bored doesn't make a lot of sense here.  It takes a lot of effort to make a marriage work.  If you are having these kinds of problems just getting along, how's it going to work when you are up at 3 AM with a baby that won't stop screaming or having to deal with real problems like a serious illness or injury.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to ask yourself and her what you really want from your marriage.  Based on the information you've provided, it sounds like more like two individuals engaged in serial monogamy than two people creating a family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1982" LastEditorDisplayName="user1982" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T18:43:14.783" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T18:43:14.783" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11164" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11157" CreationDate="2018-02-28T15:44:46.727" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am speaking from the perspective person who has gone (just recently) through phases of depression. As everybody is different, what would have worked for me might not work for Joe. So, handle all of this with care. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that a depressed person does not want to feel and behave this way and often carries a lot of guilt how their situation influences others. It is incredibly easy to make them feel guilty about anything. That means while you might think if you try to talk about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; concerns and problems without putting any blame on them, he will still feel bouts of guilt about it. Instead, try a very solution-based approach. A solution for him, not for you. But of course, that solution should also match your needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your post, it is not clear if the depression is diagnosed and if he is currently under any treatment for it. If he is not, that makes it pretty difficult to predict if and how much worse he might get how quickly. Which makes it a hard decision for you to tell if you are willing to try and do this with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Thus, I would go and try to talk about how the two of you can make this easier for &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;Maybe he will ask to do less of the work, then you know at least on what base you can work if you still want to. Maybe he actually wants to drop the project but didn't want to let you down. Then you can decide together if that is what you both are going to do. Maybe he needs more guidance and very clear tasks (small bites that he can accomplish) but feels unable to break down his larger tasks into those bites by himself, because everything feels so overwhelming. Then you could help with setting those up and take on the part of a manager.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, I would say there is no way to know if you can count on him. As much as he loved the project and wants to do it, the depression can be stronger. (I was close to giving up some project that I have been working on for over 4 years. And that I still love. Just because it was overwhelming at that time.) You have to make a conscious decision about how much personal risk you can take and emotional strength you can offer. You (and this project) could be a very positive force in his recovery, but he cannot promise anything definitive in response right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T15:44:46.727" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11165" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11167" CreationDate="2018-02-28T15:44:52.600" Score="23" ViewCount="6403" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Codependence&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have codependent behavior, which means that I tend to get too attached to someone. &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt; does a better job at explaining what it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a girl I fancy a lot and she likely will be my girlfriend in the future. While I really like her, I also tend to get over attached which is typical for codependent behavior. While it is not a problem at this very moment, I know it will be in the near future. &#xA;I know this because it broke my previous relationships. I want to avoid starting it in a bad way, because this will eventually result in a relationship that is on the verge of breaking. Therefore I think it is important to discuss that I have codependent behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to discuss that I have codependent behavior? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goals&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Create a better understanding of what codependence is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to convey that I'm working on it, however that this is something she needs to keep in mind (so she can say it when she thinks I'm overdependent). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to make sure it will be a healthy future relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not make it an excuse for my behavior, I want to discuss it so I can improve.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I flagged it for relationship, because it is likely that this girl will be a future partner.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastEditorUserId="13575" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T11:33:54.520" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T10:24:54.800" Title="How to discuss that I have codependent behavior?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11154" CreationDate="2018-02-28T15:49:09.887" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone prone to stress starts to worry about something, they believe they have a legitimate concern. As a calmer person you may not consider it to be serious, or serious enough to warrant worrying about. But if you respond in a way that makes it seem like you are dismissing her concern, it will only make her &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; stressful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To illustrate: just imagine that you look out of your window and see a lion prowling around in your garden. You tell your partner, but by the time they come to the window, the lion is out of sight. If they told you that &lt;em&gt;&quot;you must have imagined it&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, you wouldn't accept that, right? That wouldn't make the situation calmer. In fact you'd now be &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; worried that because they didn't believe you they might casually walk out into the garden and get mauled or eaten! On the other hand, if they said &lt;em&gt;&quot;Okay, I didn't see it but let's close and lock all the doors as a precaution&quot;&lt;/em&gt; this would calm the situation somewhat, because even though they didn't see what you saw they have taken you seriously and made a positive step to make the situation better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The causes of her stress are genuine concerns, at least to her. You won't make things better by dismissing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this in mind, things to avoid saying to a stresshead:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;That's not a problem&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Stop worrying&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;It's not that bad&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to &lt;em&gt;fix&lt;/em&gt; her problems, but you are more likely to help her calm down if you acknowledge them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead tell her that you understand the problem, and try to use questions to help her along a logical path to find her own solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only disclaimer to this advice is that as you mentioned smoking weed, this may hamper her thought process. She will need a clear head to think through a problem logically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T15:49:09.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11165" CreationDate="2018-02-28T15:59:50.687" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your personal improvement should be independent from your partner. So in my opinion isn't required to tell them you have this issue if you are planning on solving it (which I can perfectly understand since I had it for almost all my life till last year). I just say so because I think depending on your relation with this girl and many other factors I don't know this conversation can hurt your chances of going forward successfully(some people can get very scared by someone admitting codependent behavior). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try to make this about improving because you want to be with/ be better with her it won't work. You must do it for yourself. Because you want to be the best version of yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I wouldn't bring it up, although if you're still willing to tell her I would go with something like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(...)I tend to have overly attachment/ some dependence on my partner, and I don't like it since isn't mentally healthy for me, so I'm trying my best to work on it and improve it, since I want to have a healthy relationship with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't mention it like it's the big deal (although it can be really hard for you, I understand). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend to start talking to your friends or hire some professional to deal with this issues, since sometimes they can be hard to overcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good Luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6215" LastEditorUserId="6215" LastEditDate="2018-04-09T10:24:54.800" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T10:24:54.800" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11165" CreationDate="2018-02-28T16:06:37.743" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;When bringing up mental illness to new partners framing it is important. You want them to be aware that this is a serious thing that you are struggling with, while also not scaring them off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best place to first bring it up is probably during early conversations about the scope and nature of your relationship. You should already be having a conversation about boundaries, expectations, what is and isn't ok, whether your relationship is going to be monogamous or not, and what exactly monogamy means for you. During this conversation bring up that this is something to be aware of while dating you, give a quick description of your most common codependent behavior, and suggest something they can do in that situation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just so you know, I struggle with codependency, but I'm seeing someone about it. I can get rather clingy and monopolize a lot of my partner's time. If you find yourself needing more space please let me know right away, so I can back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying it this was lets you frame it as just another thing that needs to be brought up at the start of a relationship instead of something embarrassing or shameful. It also makes it a topic of conversation that can be brought up later, and empowers your partner to establish boundaries as your relationship progresses. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've brought up the first time, future discussions are easy. Treat it as you would any other serious relationship conversation. Since becoming less codependent is an iterative process it makes sense to do semi regular check-ins to touch base about how things are going, and reiterate that if things start becoming a problem you encourage them to speak up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing to keep in mind is that you need to be responsible for your mental health. It's great that you want to overcome this and it's useful to get feedback from other people about their comfort levels, but don't make your self improvement your partner's project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T01:35:22.503" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T01:35:22.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11165" CreationDate="2018-02-28T17:25:03.040" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;With the information revealed in the comments, I think I can give an answer that is slightly different from the others here (even though I like the other answers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, you are not required to tell your partner about any of your shortcomings. This is your decision and there is no &quot;right&quot; answer as to whether you should or should not do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that being said, if you go through with it, I highly recommend doing it in 2 steps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 1:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;During the beginning of the relationship, mention your situation casually. I mean, very casually, as if it's not a big deal at all. This is not lying, nor is it withholding information, but it will still be informative. Bonus points for timing it right, say, for example, while talking about relationships (and preferable after you're in the relationship).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really like you. I apologize in advance if I'm ever too clingy. I can sometimes act that way around people I really care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And say it casually. Not like you're admitting a drug problem. The reason being, even if your situation is severe, she isn't likely going to be able to understand it. If you present it like a medical problem that WILL be noticeable, she isn't going to be able to measure the affects it will have in the coming months/years. You can, because you have experience with it; she may not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the very least, doing this will make her aware of it in the event that you are unable to express yourself later in the relationship due to your problems (however, I hope you can work it out enough to prevent that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's only going to be able to actually do anything about it &lt;strong&gt;after she sees it.&lt;/strong&gt; So now on to step 2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step 2:&lt;/strong&gt; When the issue manifests, have a talk with her. This time, a serious talk. Say the things recommended in the other answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk about how it's a problem for you and how you're working on. Also, be sure to ask her about her feelings, because ultimately, those are what you're trying to preserve. The more she talks about it, the more it will help you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the time she will actually be able to weigh the situation correctly. She won't be able to do this before she experiences it, so you don't want her acting on her guesses (she could break the relationship before even knowing what it will be like). This is why I highly suggest the serious talk comes later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Above all else, work on this issue on your own, and let her help you when that time comes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T17:25:03.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11033" CreationDate="2018-02-28T18:06:13.697" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Frankly, if your friend really didn't have prospects to rent the place out, I'm a little surprised he hasn't offered you the money back. At any point, did he do so? If so, even though you turned it down, then you might politely say, &quot;If that offer still stands, I'd like to talk about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, you might politely say, &quot;Were you ever able to rent that apartment out for the balance of the month?&quot; and if the answer is affirmative, then your friend really ought to offer you some of your rent back; otherwise he's collecting double rent for a period of time and that's definitely not appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those are really the &quot;polite&quot; options I see. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1687" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T18:06:13.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T18:33:11.493" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two tactics:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask him if he will be willing to contribute x% of the cost of a new comp if you come up with the rest of the cash yourself. This could mean picking up more chores, saving allowance or getting a job. (I went 50/50 with my dad on my first comp)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This [new] computer will last you well into university&lt;/strong&gt; - so use this point. What do you plan to study? Anything with graphics requirements? Photoshop? CAD drawings? You need a decently beefy comp for that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, lets be fair: you don't NEED a new computer assuming your current broken one was decent when you got it. You said it was 4 years old? My &lt;strong&gt;gaming&lt;/strong&gt; computer is FIVE years old and runs things perfectly well still - I don't plan to replace it until it can no longer handle the new games coming out. It was reasonably cheap when I got it. About $800-$900 (excluding peripherals) I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also wonder &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you are shy about asking your dad for things. The reason may change the ideal tactic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing you should ultimately remember though: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can't loose by asking, the worst that happens is he says &quot;No&quot; and nothing changes.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are old enough to get a job. A month or two of working part time would get you that computer AND look good on a resume (not to mention go a long way to showing your parents that you are willing to put effort into things that are important to you).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T18:33:11.493" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-28T18:33:33.350" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt; Go gradually, go smoothly &lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Girl is wearing headphones, maybe she wants to avoid those around her, and maybe she is just shy and could be love of your life :) &lt;strong&gt;You will never know until you try&lt;/strong&gt;, but don't overdo it . Move trough these steps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Next time you see her, just slightly nod your head in her direction and smile discreetly. Then continue doing what are you doing. Of course, make sure she sees your greeting :)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she nods you back or makes some similar gesture, after few days greet her by raising your hand, again casually and again just continue with your own business.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't greet you back then do not push it, she is not interested. But if she does, try this little trick . Get some food in a paper bag, appear like you eating and while you greet her, casually offer her. She would likely refuse, but in doing so she would have to talk to you and she would probably remove her headphones, to hear what you have to say. Use this opportunity to introduce yourself &quot;Btw, I'm D. &quot; . She would likely tell you her name. Again do not bother her, continue with your own thing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if everything goes well, you could great her using her own name when you meet her next time &quot;Hi, Jane Doe&quot;. Again, she would likely remove her headphones for a while, and you could use this opportunity for small conversation (few sentences) . After that, it is all up to you .&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13525" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-02-28T21:47:00.450" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T21:47:00.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11154" CreationDate="2018-02-28T20:43:37.710" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I find works best in de-escalating a high-temper situation is simply asking &lt;strong&gt;&quot;what can I do to help?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;  Don't try to solve her problem for her, especially if it's something that can't be dealt with immediately.  If someone at work is stressing her out or she has an issue looming over her head, trying to provide solutions that she's probably already thought about herself is only going to frustrate her more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking her what you can do to reduce the current stress will focus her energy into thinking about what can be done to get out of the current firestorm of aggression.  It could be a massage or making a cup of tea or just doing something productive.  But continuing to talk about whatever is stressing her out is only going to make the aggression worse - find a way to do something more productive now!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7315" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T20:43:37.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-02-28T21:31:05.560" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to not overthink this or make it overly complicated.  Just be polite.  If you ask her as you are going through the checkout say &quot;hi, how are you doing?&quot;  Hopefully she will respond.  If she does just ask her if she'd ever consider having coffee with you. Make sure you speak clearly.  Be very casual about it.  She could say yes, no, or not respond to the question.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A &quot;yes&quot; response would be very cool and and allow you to follow it up with a proposition like, &quot;sometime this week at x coffee shop, is there a good time?&quot;.  Something short and simple and easy for both of you.  Maybe you don't need her number and she can just show up at a place and time.  If she says &quot;no&quot;, just say &quot;no problem, thanks&quot;.  If she doesn't respond, just say &quot;thank you&quot; as the transaction completes and you depart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she did say &quot;no&quot; or not respond, after that interaction as you continue to go to the market, just behave casually as you normally would and if you go through her line be polite and friendly but with no expectations.  It would probably be best to not think about it any longer.  She could always change her answer or answer in a positive way to give you more information.  But at least you put the ball in her court but have not placed any demands.  And if she did come back at a later time and ask you for coffee, it would be a very great surprise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3484" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T21:31:05.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-02-28T21:36:59.120" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, my advice is, like many others, leave her a note. Or, be a little more clever and leave her something like the picture below in a message screen or a note taking app so she can respond, and see how she acts. Put the phone on her desk as you walk by, sit back down, and when she looks at you, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;smile back like you always have&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. I did this in a quiet library with a lot of people, and it started the conversation, plus she said it was really cute. Nobody else cared. &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;It also gave her control to start or stop the conversation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/pm4Zs.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/pm4Zs.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Screenshot of messaging app with message: &amp;quot;Hi! My name is (insert your name here)  What&amp;#39;s yours? Btw, cute headphones! :)&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13532" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-24T15:00:54.190" LastActivityDate="2018-12-24T15:00:54.190" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11165" CreationDate="2018-02-28T21:39:32.930" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Alexander Aeons Torn said two very profound things to you in his answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think your personal improvement should be independent from your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you try to make this about improving because you want to be with/ be better with her it won't work. You must do it for yourself. Because you want to be the best version of yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I could up vote that reply more then once I would. Strong and wise stuff he conveyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just like to clarify something, another poster used the term &quot;Mental illness&quot;, Codependency is not a mental illness, it is not even a personality disorder. It is personality trait that all people have to some degree or the other. It is basically about the anxiety we feel in our lives about certain situations and how sometimes that anxiety can hold us back. Everybody deals with it to some level or the other. Everyone will face taking large and small leaps of faith in their lives, in order to take those leaps we need to overcome the anxiety within us that makes us hesitate to jump. It is also the thing that keeps us from jumping into fires. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Peter look how far you have already come in the last week or so. There are things you have learned that you don't even know you know yet. You have gained some wisdom. The way you approach this new relationship is going to be better then the last. It may not succeed, but you will find it fails for much more rational reasons then the failures of the past. You may also find that if it fails that pain you feel will be a little less sharp because you did not &lt;strong&gt;give up&lt;/strong&gt; so much of yourself because you feared. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I totally agree that your personal improvement should be independent from your partner, because your personal improvement cannot be codependent on your partner. I also totally agree with if you are trying to improve because you want to be with her, it won't work. Because, what you do when you do it for reasons other then your own improvement is lose your ownership of your problems, when you lose ownership you start laying your problems on others to fix. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T21:39:32.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11088" CreationDate="2018-02-28T22:14:18.350" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, if I ask someone to join me in some activity and they make an excuse, I ask them again some time later. If they again make an excuse, I work on the assumption that they don't want to spend time with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more vague or general the excuse, the more likely that it's not sincere. If someone says, &quot;Sorry, I'll be busy&quot;, that's likely a made-up excuse. If he says, &quot;Sorry, but I have an appointment with my dentist&quot;, more likely to be real.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone really wants to be your friend and he is genuinely busy when you ask, he will often offer some alternative or encouragement. Like, &quot;Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be busy Tuesday. Maybe we could get together Saturday?&quot; or &quot;But please let me know when you're doing this again&quot; or some such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose that how persistent you want to be depends on how much you want to be friends with this person. But if you've suggested spending time together on ten different occasions for ten different activities and his answer is always no, I'd give up and look for other friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T22:14:18.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-02-28T22:21:15.893" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't need your dad's money for this. PSUs are among the easiest components to fix. Open it up and see if there are any blown caps. Watch some videos online on how to do it. Take a part time job somewhere or buy some broken stuff and learn how to fix it. Find junk around the house that noone wants and sell it which would contribute to the cleanliness of the home and your parents would love it. Start thinking in terms of getting productive and earning some money on your own and you will see your dad's interest in helping absolutely skyrocket.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line principle: the less suckling on your parents wallets and the more responsibility and proactivity you take the more your parents will be willing, even delighted to help whatever it is that you do. 16 years of age is just about the right time to start showing them that you mean business not parasitism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13537" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T22:21:15.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11088" CreationDate="2018-02-28T23:06:54.360" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If he says he's busy, re-ask your question and throw in &quot;sometime&quot; as the timeframe and ask when a good time would be.  The answer to this question will indicate interest, if he says sure and suggests a time, mission accomplished, if not that's also pretty indicative.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a social standpoint going out drinking with your buddy is kind of... unproductive, unless you have important business to discuss.  Try to find a common interest and do that instead, or if your dead set on drinks definitely get a group together and ask as part of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3639" LastActivityDate="2018-02-28T23:06:54.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11154" CreationDate="2018-02-28T23:08:37.697" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can relate so much with this question. I had very similar experiences to your partner while growing up and as a result I became stressful and with low frustration tolerence myself. I used to lash out to my partner too, but now we are much better as we have decided to get better for each other. I don't always succeed, but I am finally aware of my problem as does your partner and I've taken many steps to overcome it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to avoid bursts of anger we have tried the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My partner told me exactly what you quoted:&#xA;&quot;I want you to rely on me when you are stressed. Communicate your problem to me if you want to or just how you feel and I will try to make you feel better. &quot;  That is sweet and reassuring  even if she cannot do exactly that when she is down. Anyway it's much better than ignoring the issue. People who haven't been exposed to quarrels in their life think of it as a big deal and try to avoid it as much as they can, but believe me this is not a solution. Besides, she's still your girlfriend, her feelings don't change who she is.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't ask &quot;What's wrong&quot;, &quot;What happened to anger you&quot;, &quot;Why are you like that/angry&quot; etc. It's like you blame someone for their feelings. They also might not be fully aware how or what exactly their feelings and thougts are at the moment which may add to their frustration.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Physical affection. She might seem like she is not in the mood, but a hug is very soothing. She won't take the initiative when she is stressed, so you should give it a try. At least it works for me. It makes me feel that the other person is on my side and sometimes I imidiately 'break' and start to talk about my problem. Sometimes it makes many tries though. And keep in mind that you shouldn't expect her to be affectionate too.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Anger and stress is sometimes masked sadness. Keep that in mind and don't be 'afraid' of approaching her. What would you do if she was sad?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Take a walk with her. Being in a small room when you feel your emotions chocking you makes you more depressed. Given the situation in your apartment, I think she really needs to escape for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When she's calmed down and talked about her problem and you've comforted her, tell her how YOU feel. That you care about her but won't tolerate aggressiveness. It's not healthy and she should do something about it if she wants to be happy (a therapist is a good idea or just working it by herself). Express all this in an affectionate but firm manner. I think she will understand that respect is necessary regardless of one's mood.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope I helped!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T09:14:58.547" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T09:14:58.547" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-03-01T00:29:55.730" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depends on what you mean by &quot;finance my computer&quot;. If you mean have him loan you the money with a schedule to pay him back, I don't see where you would need anything more than to effectively show the method and means to do so. Should be an easy sell if you've set precedent in following through on other things.&#xA;If you mean &quot;buy my computer&quot; all I can say is ask. You've got a 50/50 chance, either he will or he won't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13542" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T00:29:55.730" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11186" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-01T01:52:11.237" Score="7" ViewCount="1074" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm aware of &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/7350/how-do-i-get-my-father-back-after-an-extended-time-of-being-estranged&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; but I think my situation is different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cut off contact with my parents 5 years ago after a physical confrontation with my father that continues to scare me. I ignored all communication from them and several years later, they stopped trying. I hope I never see him again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But my mother is a good person and has always loved me. I'm not sure but I think she would want to get back in touch with me. And not talking to her and not knowing what has happened to her after all these years has made me incredibly sad and the burden continues to grow. To make things worse, I have a child that I know my mother would love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect that my father would exploit any contact between my mother and me to force himself back into my life. If I get back in touch with my mother I would want to do my best to make sure he doesn't find me or think that I will talk to him. But he has probably lied to my mother about the incident to gain her sympathy so I'm not sure she would side with me to keep him at bay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming my mother is still alive and is receptive to being contacted, how should I do it? I know I would need to apologize but beyond that I'm lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13546" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-21T16:47:39.540" LastActivityDate="2019-02-11T10:35:35.977" Title="how do I get back in touch with my estranged mother?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;estranged-relations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11076" CreationDate="2018-03-01T05:28:27.590" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would start with your wife's general practitioner.  Ask your wife for permission to go along to the appointment.  Take along a concise, bulleted list of ways these exaggerated fears are limiting your wife's ability to function and enjoy life.  Start out by just using the word &quot;fears&quot; without specifying what sorts of fears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Request a screening for anxiety.  The ones done at the doctor's office are typically one or two pages and can be filled out in five minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The doctor may suggest your wife consider some medication; may suggest a more thorough evaluation (if so try to get some specific names of evaluators); and will hopefully persuade your wife that there is a way out of living with constant fear and anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, try to find a psychologist or social worker with training in &quot;exposure therapies.&quot;  Such a provider would be able to evaluate your wife for possible obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and offer treatment if this diagnosis is reached.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, although we don't know for certain whether your wife has OCD, you can, regardless, obtain support and solace by connecting with other relatives of OCD sufferers, and by reading articles about OCD and anxiety, such as &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&amp;amp;view=category&amp;amp;id=36:ocd-and-related-subjects-by-frederick-penzel-phd&amp;amp;layout=default&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;those written by Fred Penzel.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not easy to live with a person who lives with constant fear, dread and anxiety.  It can be very helpful to work with a therapist yourself, aside from any therapy your wife may undertake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T05:28:27.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11191" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11192" CreationDate="2018-03-01T06:24:17.767" Score="0" ViewCount="655" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a roommate that has a sweaty and smelly feet. He comes back to the room, and doesn't even bother to wash his legs before he gets on his bed. As a result, the room gets filled up by the aura and it is not so pleasant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I politely tell him that he needs to wash his legs?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13552" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T06:55:08.260" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T06:55:08.260" Title="How do I tell my roommate that he has a smelly feet?" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-03-01T09:26:12.063" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11191" CreationDate="2018-03-01T06:54:03.013" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, when he comes to the room, don't say it immediately. Wait while he settles and then come to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now say like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think you are not aware of that odd smell, but I'd like you to know that it might be your feet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, person in front doesn't know what's going on. Therefore, you should be clear and concise&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, if he notices the smell and washes his feet, then bingo. Problem solved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, be prepared for denial and excuses. You may listen to him, but don't try to get caught in the argument. Try to repeat it couple of times for a couple of days. If it still doesn't help, be firm if he denies and try to leave the room for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My roommate during college had the similar problem, so telling him that a couple of times did help and later it became his habit and started to wash his feet whenever he comes from college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T06:54:03.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-03-01T06:54:36.547" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to be looking at this question from a perspective that doesn't fit your age, and it might be that your father thinks the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The very first thing on your mind should be to pay for your things by yourself as much as possible. At 16 you should have some pocket money as well as a small amount of savings exactly for these bigger purchases. Maybe you also have or had a weekend or summer job that earns/earned a bit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step One:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA; Put together the parts you need and the amount of money you can finance by yourself. Look at the gap that is left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step Two:&lt;/strong&gt; Approach your father with an offer, not a request. Instead of asking for free money, offer work for money. In this order:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him that you want to repair your computer (hinting at saving money by repairing instead of buying new).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him you checked various offers and picked option X at a price of $Y (hinting that you check carefully and not just pick the first thing).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him that with your savings, etc. you are short $Z.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask him which kind of work in the garden, garage or around the house you could do for him in exchange for $Z. (hinting that you don't expect free money)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on your family, culture, etc. replace as appropriate. Some people in my environment were rewarded for exceptional school results, for example, instead of garden work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stop being a beggar and instead make an offer. One that due to it being open, is hard to refuse (he can't honestly say that no amount of garden work would be worth $Z).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personal note: As I grow older, I understand many things my parents did much better. My first computer was paid in half by myself. It took my entire savings at that time. But it so much empowered me that I could think about it as &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; computer. My father even turned it so that I had paid for the computer itself, and he had paid for the monitor and accessories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might misinterpret your father. Is he really a &quot;cheapskate&quot; or could there be other motivations behind his words and actions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T06:54:36.547" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11196" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11200" CreationDate="2018-03-01T09:05:35.093" Score="4" ViewCount="778" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live on a long rural road where there are barely any people. I have to take my dog out for walks, or sometimes I just go for walks alone, and usually the street is a pretty desolate place. However, on occasion, I do come across other walkers. Since this road is more or less very straight for a long ways, I am often put into an awkward situation where the walker and I notice each other and neither of us know what to do. The other person looks at me for a second, and I look at them, and then we look away and pretend not to notice each other for two minutes until we pass each other, where we suddenly look up and wave to each other and then continue on our way. It is very obvious that we both were very unsure of what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how do I act to make these encounters a bit less uncomfortable? Wave from the moment we make eye contact? Ignore them altogether as if I'm blind? I've come across this situation countless times and I'm still baffled about what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13560" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T10:34:24.417" Title="Awkwardly passing someone on a long empty road?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11197" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11199" CreationDate="2018-03-01T09:15:19.583" Score="32" ViewCount="8659" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being new in Germany (around ten months now), I am suffering from the language, and it is not that easy for me to keep the communication in German. Therefore sometimes I use English or even French when it’s possible, especially at work, in order to avoid any misunderstanding (I am working as a Software Engineer, which can be classified as ‘an English Work’).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work, we can consider 99% of people to speak English (they are German, but almost all can talk English perfectly because of the work).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, I counter ‘Linguistic discrimination’ from some of them, when they are explaining things in German instead of English, despite they know my problem with it. (They are able to explain in English and very well, and I saw it in alot of cases).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;My questions&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How to tell these kind of people to explain in English instead of German, without being rude?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I turn the conversation to English without facing racist answers?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Clarifications&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I tried sometimes to discuss only in English and to ignore German, but they just did the same and they continue in German also.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I asked them sometimes in a nice way, if it is possible to change to English, but they just answered that we live in Germany and we should discuss then only in German.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Currently I am taking some courses in German to avoid this problem, but it will take time of course (I am not ignoring the importance of German in Germany).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is no language requirement (German not required here).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm located in Karlsruhe (south western germany)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;German is my fifth language, first being Arabic, second French,third English and fourth Italian.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastEditorUserId="13563" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T09:13:27.060" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T13:23:49.657" Title="How can I switch a conversation from a language to another?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11197" CreationDate="2018-03-01T09:44:29.527" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer is more a frame challenge, since I focus more on talking German instead of get them to talk in English. While this is not what you ask, it will result in two things you want: your German improves and you are able to talk with your coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all I would avoid French, this is because I get from your description that they can talk English but not French. Talking French will only increase the problem you are already having. Even if you only do this with coworkers who are fluent in French, the other coworkers will feel left out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid at all costs to shine through that you don't think highly of them, from your comments I got &lt;em&gt;&quot;these people&quot;&lt;/em&gt; which they probably picked up as well. This will only increase the resistance of talking in English when you don't understand a part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be clear and firm: &quot;I'm not great in German as you guys already know, however I started some courses which will increase my ability to talk to you in German.&quot; I don't know if you discussed that you are taking classes, however this is important for them to know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Accept the fact that the culture in that company is to talk in German. While this is probably not what you want to hear, changing something like this in a company is really hard and probably not going to work. Talk in German as far as your knowlegde reaches and fill it in with English. This first will be a mix of a bit of German and a lot of English, however this will gradually improve your skill in German.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interrupt them in German. While this could sound counterintuitive, when you interrupt them in German it is likely they are more willing to explain it in English if you say you don't understand some part. When you interrupt them in German, also try to explain in German, this will increase the acceptence of your coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As suggested by LinuxBanket in the comments. It is very likely that when they see you struggle with talking in German that they will switch to English by themself and/or help you talk in German. This is because everyone likes it when you try and take affort to learn their language. Don't be afraid to fail or say something that is gramatically incorrect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastEditorUserId="12174" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T11:53:20.867" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T11:53:20.867" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11199" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11197" CreationDate="2018-03-01T09:45:32.063" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here I can see 2 possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Those coworkers are pushing you (or maybe trying to motivate you), to learn the language, and then speed up the German learning.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are exercising or practicing a type of racism (I am facing this problem also sometimes in Germany).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for the first problem, you should understand the help they want to give to you (even if it is not in a nice way), and you should try also to discuss this point with them when they are not already explaining something to you (for example in the time of the break).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second problem is a complete different subject, and there the question is &lt;code&gt;How to deal with people practicing a kind of racism&lt;/code&gt;. Here are my suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remain calm.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider them as learners (remember that they might be less enlightened and tolerant than you are)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't waste your energy and focus on more important points (tell them you didn't understand and if it is possible to clarify some points).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also you have to speed up in your language learning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastEditorUserId="15789" LastEditDate="2018-03-24T13:22:13.830" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T13:22:13.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11196" CreationDate="2018-03-01T10:04:26.030" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a rural part of germany and my way home from work is often times through a field which features a long stretch of dirt road, so I know this feeling all too well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There isn't really anything that will make this feel completly natural. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I react by offering a quick acknowledgement (a nod, usually) when I first spot them and then wave / greet when we pass each other. This way, they know what to expect and you do too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the time between the nod and passing each other, just keep on walking like you otherwise would - the other person isn't and presumably doesn't want to be center of your attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T10:04:26.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11196" CreationDate="2018-03-01T10:05:25.527" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;G.K.Chesterton, The Flying Inn: &lt;em&gt;&quot;... country folk will forget you if you speak to them, but talk about you all day if you don't.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually greeting does the magic of removing the awkwardness. My experience is from running or walking on rural desolate trails (Czechia). It happens very seldom the other person does not respond to my greeting. When this happens, I still do not feel awkward, because then I just think the other person is rude and I do not care about them any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might ask yourself where does the awkwardness feeling comes from for you. Is it perhaps a sign of fear? Or disappointment, because you wanted to be on your own, like if the other one would be intruding on your privacy? It is not quite sure why it should be awkward to meet somebody when both of you are on public grounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12421" LastEditorUserId="12421" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T10:12:22.253" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T10:12:22.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11202" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11205" CreationDate="2018-03-01T10:18:35.453" Score="4" ViewCount="2373" Body="&lt;h1&gt;The Situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost every day I'm spending time with my group of friends, among them one I will call John. Together, we often play videogames. When playing, John gets very easily upset by things others would brush off, and he gets very vocal about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to bad ping, John gets hit by a shot when he was already around a corner. While others would let out a sigh or a disappointed &amp;quot;Oh crap&amp;quot;, John begins to yell &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;What the?!&lt;/strong&gt; I was already around the corner! This f***ing game is so broken! I was already safe, I shouldn't have died!&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, he almost always portrays any perceived injustice as specifically against him. It's not just bad net-code or wonky hitboxes - he acts as if the game &lt;em&gt;specifically&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;exclusively&lt;/em&gt; treats him bad and nobody else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As one might imagine, over the course of several hours, these outbursts begin to dampen the fun quite a lot, and sometimes lead him to &amp;quot;rage-quitting&amp;quot; and leaving the group for the day (which in turn might force us to abandon a game we all enjoyed because we are too few people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I tried so far&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I attempted to reason with him at first. For instance, I explained him that wonky hitboxes cause him to miss an enemy just as often as it causes the enemy to miss him. John was very resistant to such explanations and in turn claimed that others never miss &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt; and that he is the only one affected negatively by it. Of course, this is just one example, but you get the idea.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I attempted to just ignore him and hope he would calm down by himself. This usually doesn't work, as he just keeps on going and on about how he is the victim of everything, about how everyone else is supposedly cheating and so on and so forth. It is just so draining to hear him ranting and complaining all the time and it just drains the fun out of everything for me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I attempted to speak to him about how his outbursts and rants affect me, but he argued he can't help himself when he feels treaten unfairly. The rest of the conversation then ends up as shown in &lt;strong&gt;1.&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I attempted to calm him down by saying things like &amp;quot;It's just a game, calm down&amp;quot;, with varying degrees of intensity, ranging from a relaxed and friendly tone to something more akin to &amp;quot;Shut the f*** up! You've been ranting non-stop for one and a half hours now!&amp;quot; (which was not very calming in retrospective). As one might imagine, the results ranged from &amp;quot;No improvement&amp;quot; to &amp;quot;And then things got so much worse&amp;quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I considered trying&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I considered directly telling him that his temper is a massive problem for me (and at least &amp;quot;very annoying&amp;quot; according to others in our group) and that he has to get a grip on himself if he wants to keep playing with us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think that this is a good idea, because he might believe I don't want him in our group - which is not true. I do want to play together with him, just without all the temper tantrums. Further, I'm afraid John might think I am not allowing him to be upset at all. I don't mind him benuig upset once or twice, or saying &amp;quot;Oh f***!&amp;quot;. But to me, there is a difference between being upset once for 2 seconds and a 90-minute rant about how the world treats you and only you unfairly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I considered asking him to play really hard and frustrating games with low down-time, such as &amp;quot;Hotline Miami&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;Super Meat Boy&amp;quot;. The idea behind this is that when failing over and over and over, he would have to learn how to deal with his frustration and hopefully be more relaxed when playing with us - similar to how people say the best way to cure a fear of flying by flying a lot.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I don't know if this idea has any merit. He might just quit the games when getting too frustrated instead of building higher tolerance against frustration, or they might not have any effect at all on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I do now? Is there even anything I can do now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13564" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T21:30:26.483" Title="How should I deal with my friend's anger issues?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T13:55:19.890" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11203" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11210" CreationDate="2018-03-01T10:20:34.793" Score="-4" ViewCount="1404" Body="&lt;p&gt;My father got married to my stepmother three years ago when I was in college. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the start, she mistreated me and my brother in every possible way, like sabotaging our possessions, breaking into our room, spying on us, and turning our father against us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Five months ago, my brother and I got jobs and she asked our father to get money from us because she wanted to renovate the house, but my father refused. This matter got worse and my father divorced her, which brought peace to our lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now my father is in contact with her again and they are planing to remarry.&#xA;I told my father not to marry her. After his divorce, we told him he could marry someone else but not that woman again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet now he is determined to marry her again. We tried to threaten him that we would leave him for good if he does this, but he blackmailed us with religion and said that this is just what he expected from such unfaithful children, that state law and religion permits him to do so, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, what I have planned is to move to another city or rent a house, but still I cannot afford to rent a house with my current income.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer that he either find some other woman if possible, or let us leave without blackmailing us. He is firm on marrying the same woman, and keeps saying that those previous situations won't happen again and he assures us this (I don't believe him and his lover at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convince my father to let us separate and do our work if he wants to marry her again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13555" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2019-05-04T14:07:01.573" LastActivityDate="2019-05-04T14:07:01.573" Title="Re-Marriage of my father to his ex-Wife A-K-A my step mom" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-03-01T12:18:50.083" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11197" CreationDate="2018-03-01T10:29:03.330" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can try to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listen to their explanation in German&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rephrase it in English &quot;Tell me if I got it correctly, so you're saying that...&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask why you do this, you can give the following reasons, which are all true:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want to practice the language. If your English rephrasing is wrong, and you misunderstood what they said, you'd expect them to correct you so you can get better at German.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't want to force them to switch to English (you're in Germany after all) but still want to ensure the information is communicated without error and without spending too much time. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very important that the language barrier doesn't result in a misunderstanding which would turn into a costly mistake, or losing time on the job doing something different from what you actually had to do, and it is in your interest to make sure this doesn't happen, as you would most likely be the one getting the blame. It is preferable to spend an extra minute making sure everything was communicated properly. If your colleagues care about work quality, they should agree about that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Showing you're making an effort with German should help convince them to give you a break without having to actually ask for it, or sounding demanding or entitled. I would frame this as you doing your job and solving a communication problem by using a compromise that doesn't step too much on any toes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T12:36:08.927" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T12:36:08.927" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11202" CreationDate="2018-03-01T10:29:05.280" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you need to re-examine your friendship with John.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worst you can do is tell him to calm down when he is angry. This will only make him more angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The time to talk to him about his anger issues is when he is calm, not when he is already angry. Generally speaking, you want to convey to him just how much his anger issues are impacting your enjoyment - it's not clear he has got that yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you talked to him about this, your options are basically to put up with it or not invite him to games anymore - you can't change people's disposition to suit you if they don't want to themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So talk with John, be serious, don't allow the seriousness of the matter to be made fun of. Have this talk when he is calm and not angry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If things don't improve, you'll have to decide if you put up with it or end up finding a new friend elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T10:29:05.280" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11196" CreationDate="2018-03-01T10:34:24.417" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here (France) in similar situations in the countryside when you see someone approaching but they're too far to say hello, a simple nod and a smile would be fine, no need to overdo it. You both acknowledge you've noticed each other and that's about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Waving and yelling &quot;HIIIIII&quot; to a stranger would be awkward...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T10:34:24.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11197" CreationDate="2018-03-01T10:45:53.857" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Communicate as much as possible in the &quot;company language&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am German, live in Thailand, and for work I communicate almost 100% in English. The reason is most companies have a written or unwritten policy which language is used in the company - let's call it the company language (Maybe there is an official term for this, I don't know).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently a German started in an international hotel which I work for (one of my clients). And for work we talk and email in English. One of the reasons is that many of our emails are also read by people who don't speak German. The policy of that hotel is to communicate in English. Even the Thai employees of that company (in Thailand) email each other in English so that e.g. a foreign manager will be able to read and understand it all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I have a private lunch with that German manager and we are alone then we talk in German, at least most of the time. Sometimes one of us switches to English just out of habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Computer work is not English Work.&lt;/strong&gt; Programming languages and lots of documentation is in English. But people who talk about projects with customers will normally talk in the native language of the customer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you talk about linguistic discrimination I understand that your coworkers get upset with you. &lt;strong&gt;They do you a favor when they talk to you mostly in English. They don't have to do that.&lt;/strong&gt; But if you behave like it is your right that they have to talk in English and you insist on it, then don't be surprised that they are not willing to do you that favor all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice: Try German as much as you can. Accept that in Germany the company language in most companies is German. And if you don't understand it, then ask nicely. &lt;strong&gt;Most people will try to help you out and speak English - if they see that you understand they are doing you a favor.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: After reading lots of comments it seems that the OP thinks the &quot;company language&quot; is English, or should be English. In that case I suggest he should talk to the boss and &lt;strong&gt;let the boss clarify which language should be used&lt;/strong&gt; in the company in general or maybe just for the specific project the OP works for. If the boss (maybe together with the team) decides English should be used then that's it. But if the boss decides that at least most of the communication in the company should be in German, then the OP should also accept that decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 2&lt;/strong&gt;: I think I made this already clear but to make it 100% clear: &lt;strong&gt;This is not about which language is better in general.&lt;/strong&gt; It is up to the boss (or the manager in charge) in each company which language the employees should communicate in for work. This should obviously also be considered when they hire people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if it is not obvious, then the boss and employees should talk about this. If some employees think German is the company language and others think English is the company language, then this will obviously not work. Just ignoring what others say will also not work. &lt;strong&gt;Communicate with each other and the boss and find a solution and stick with it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;And all this is obviously only my personal opinion from my personal experience. I don't expect that everybody thinks this is &quot;the&quot; solution.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastEditorUserId="15789" LastEditDate="2018-03-24T13:23:49.657" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T13:23:49.657" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11210" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11203" CreationDate="2018-03-01T10:56:16.290" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, you can't dictate whom your father is going to marry. This isn't going to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you already tried all of the &quot;soft pressure&quot; tactics available to you, and your father still wants to remarry his ex wife. That means that you'll probably not convince him not to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, with that out of the way, you have some options. You say that he&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We threatened him that me &amp;amp; my brother would leave him for our good if&#xA;  he does this, he blackmails us with religion and says that this is&#xA;  what he expects from such unfaithful children etc. and says that state&#xA;  law and religion permits him to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are adults, you have jobs, and you're not bound to his decisions anymore. That means that besides attempting to sway you, he has no real power over you. You state that you can't afford to rent a house on your own - fair enough. You might be better off teaming up with your brother and renting a house with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the emotional blackmail, that is an all too common tactic for people who don't have any other pain points to hit. You probably can't stop him from doing that - it very much looks like he's made up his mind, but what you can do is set boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might be very harsh and brazen to you now, but once you move out and he has no sway over you anymore, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; dictate the rules of engagement. This could look like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only agreeing to visit him when your stepmother isn't present&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only agreeing to see him if he visits (without your stepmother)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cutting contact entirely or almost entirely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems daunting and hard at first, but it's high time that you two set the boundaries of your interaction and not he. I struggled with this too at first (my stepmother is a veritable nightmare - I didn't try to separate her from my father, but once I moved out, I did have to establish some clear boundaries), but believe me, you'll feel better and it'll be better for your relationship with your father to establish clear boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T10:56:16.290" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11211" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11197" CreationDate="2018-03-01T11:49:07.497" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a business problem, not an interpersonal one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I asked them sometimes in a nice way, if it is possible to change to English, but they just answered that we live in Germany and we should discuss then only in German.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this does not match the business attitude (employees expected to work in English) then the native-speakers are at fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this matches the business attitude (working language is German) then there has been some mis-communication at the point you were hired (as &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/3381/skymningen&quot;&gt;skymningen&lt;/a&gt; suggests) about your language abilities, which puts you in an uncomfortable situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case I'd recommend you talk to your manager to voice your concerns that you are struggling with the language. Hopefully staff will be formally asked to use a more comfortable language or you'll get some language training. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10836" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T11:49:07.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11197" CreationDate="2018-03-01T11:49:55.087" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in your position in Belgium. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother tongue is Spanish. I'm fluent in English but when I arrived to Belgium (French speaking part), my knowledge of French was very basic. I started to take courses at the local university but being proficient in a language takes time, as you already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work in a company where everyone speaks French and for them sometimes it's an effort to talk in English because they don't practice it very often.&#xA;What I did was to tell my coworkers to help me improve my use of French and correct me when I said something wrong. They encouraged me to learn the language, they listened to me and they had the patience to wait for my low speed phrases. Afterwards, they would correct one or two words in the phrase (not in a intrusive way, just a comment on the fly to keep the flow of the conversation). When I write important emails/documents in French, I ask someone to correct it before send it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Outside work, I read the news in French, I listened to radio in French. I read books in french. I went to French/English exchange events. It took me almost a year to be fluent. Hope this helps you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13576" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T16:08:05.033" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T16:08:05.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11213" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11383" CreationDate="2018-03-01T12:12:10.223" Score="9" ViewCount="427" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I ran into an acquintence in a coffee shop. Our usual routine is to crack a few light-toned jokes or share some stories (Usually that person is quite a conversationalist and we talk about 5-15 minutes.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That day the person had a slight facial tic and it seemed to stress them out, and during our conversation it considerably intensified. Seeing that the person was uncomfortable, I cut our conversation a bit shorter than usual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that for some strange reason people think that a tic makes the situation awkward. I see no reason to treat it differently than a common cold - an inconvenient condition that will probably pass with rest, and if not, then perhaps with medical treatment if needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I am interested is, what is the polite way to communicate in this case with people with whom are on friendly terms but not that close?  Acknowledge it and ask if everything is ok? Ignore it? Look somewhere else while talking? Say something like 'relax, comrade, everyone has bad days'?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13572" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T03:29:53.033" Title="Conversation with a person who is stressed out because of a facial tic" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11214" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4703" CreationDate="2018-03-01T12:35:55.197" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;On the issue of whether he just wants sex or something more, I think if you're up-front that you are interested in a relationship but want to take things slowly, if he's just interested in sex then he will probably bail at this point. Yes it's possible some men will pursue a woman for several weeks or even months just to sleep with them, but it's unlikely when they could just move on to an &quot;easier&quot; target.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find somewhere private to have a conversation about what he's interested in, and if he says he is interested in you (and you are in him) then make it clear you aren't the sort of person to get physical too quickly and see how he reacts. There is a good chance if he's still interested then there is a genuine relationship potential there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T12:35:55.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11215" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-01T12:47:01.023" Score="3" ViewCount="621" Body="&lt;p&gt;My spouse and I left our hometowns more than 10 years ago and got to know each other in the city where we are living now. The distance to our hometowns is about a 3 and a half hours drive in opposite directions. We used to travel home at least once a month in the past over the years for birthdays or other events, or just to go skiing or whatever and meet our friends and families.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, since we got to know each other, we started to reduce the visits because our families live in different directions - my former girlfriend's family lived in the same direction as mine, so it had been easier to handle. Not seeing our families and friends hurts somehow and the less we see them the less we have in common. What hurts especially is that they don't tend to visit us. They also don't call us unless we ask them or invite them again and again to do so. My brother's family never managed to visit me within the 10 years I live here. I've been there at least several times each year, as they live close to my parents, sister and friends. Even my parents don't call us until something bad happened. I once stopped calling them for several weeks and after I called again, they just asked if I am still alive :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we get there everything is just normal like we have never been away. I have a rather big family with loads of aunts, uncles and cousins, and they all move up together in a distance of about 100 miles and it was always quite nice to get the big family together. My spouse's family is much smaller, but they show similar symptoms. Same thing with our friends: they are happy when we visit them, but only 1 or 2 of them did come round here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we tried to get some kinde of &quot;tribe&quot; established here in the city where we live to cope with that family stuff. But most people do have good old friends here already or are always busy with family (we do not have kids, it's difficult). So most of the time we try to organize something and some people gather and have fun - but if we don't arrange or ask there is just silence on the other side. I am already fed up with this now and started thinking &quot;Oh come on, let's just do the stuff I like the best on my own and not care about others&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sometimes think about moving to different places - we are both situated in the middle of Germany - because it doesn't matter if the people here speak a different dialect or a completely different language. Maybe Italian or Spanish people are easier to deal with and not so complicated in befriending each other, especially while there is more sunshine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are not really introverted, ugly or bad people. We are funny, love sports (despite my girlfriend's food allergy, which makes her unable to eat most food, thus lacking energy sometimes), go dancing, love to go out to concerts and shows and so on. Maybe this is normal to modern times and we should just give up and do the stuff we like and not bother. Maybe you do have any other useful tips aside telling our family or friends - they either don't seem to take this seriously or just somehow don't feel it or just don't mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can we communicate to our friends and families that we expect them to reach out for us and not just wait for us to make the first contact?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13571" LastEditorUserId="10317" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T13:30:58.583" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T20:30:40.190" Title="How to get our families and friends to get in better contact with us or cope with the situation" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-03-11T07:34:55.910" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11202" CreationDate="2018-03-01T13:35:01.280" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In most game communities he would be called a toxic player. These kind of people are at their worst in competitive/ranked play (where each win matters) combined with a (perceived) losing streak. If you examine his mood you'll find that he probably starts pretty mellow and his behavior just escalates as frustrations pile up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to break that losing streak, however a single win is often not enough for that because people tend to fixate more on the losses than the wins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple option is to take a literal break from the game for a bit and let heads cool down a bit. You can pair that with a snack run/bathroom break or strategy session&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also do a few low-stakes matches in a different game mode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll have to enforce this break before his toxic mod has a chance to build up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more involved option is to act as a coach and complement him every time you see him do something impressive like a multi kill or a well executed flank.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6635" LastEditorUserId="6635" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T13:48:17.453" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T13:48:17.453" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11215" CreationDate="2018-03-01T14:02:42.437" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Family&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lets start with family. I made the agreement with my parents that we will call once a week. While this is not a lot, it helps to stay in touch and talk about what happened that week. I would go with something like: &quot;hey, I get the feeling I put the most energy in keeping the contact and like to talk about this&quot;. When you are discussing this with your family (parents) I would try to discuss these points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Regular appointments to call, this can be once a week or once a month, however discussing this is important.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Switch who is going to contact, one week its you, the other week its your family. Make sure you just wait for them to contact as agreed, unless it really takes months ofcourse. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be very clear that you would like that hey visit you. You could also add to this that traveling also puts a lot of strain on you, so that its fair to meetup at your place and your families place. Offering meal and a place to sleep helps since I can imagine this can be a problem when traveling this far. I don't know how the meetups go now, so I just included it as an idea.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would be the best to do this in person and not on the phone. It also could be taken offensively, so proceed in care! I suggest you also discuss this with your wife on how to keep the contact with family, since she could also have some great ideas. You probably already did this, however I included this for completion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Local friends (tribe?)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have much knowledge about this because I'm quite an introverted person. I think you are more extroverted, because you seem to get a lot of energy from meetups. Some contact with &quot;he whatsup?&quot; and look how they react and want to spend time is probably the best course on action. You could also say that you like to go out a lot more, where you focus on the fact that you would like to be invited when they go to do something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T14:02:42.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11218" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-01T14:09:18.840" Score="37" ViewCount="14465" Body="&lt;p&gt;Long story short, my fiancée and I wanted a small wedding. As small as 5 people max, signing the papers and eating at home. There are 34 guests invited now, eating at a restaurant at a cost of 165€ (about 200$) per person, suit, dress and honeymoon apart. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We decided to invite friends, parents, siblings + children in my case, friends, parents, godparents + children in hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We both have difficult relationships with our families. Bad experiences, distance, lack of contact, support, respect, etc, which made us decide to cut the invitations there. No uncles/aunts, no grandparents, no cousins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After telling my father his mother and sister wouldn't come, he was pissed, but accepted my will, and yet he told me I should call her to let her know, which I didn't find right at that time, and I don't find it right yet. Similar situation was told to my fiancée.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two weeks ago, we called everybody we &lt;strong&gt;didn't invite&lt;/strong&gt; but our parents felt important to know. Just to avoid shafting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also had calls of other people that had a better relationship with people I didn't invite, telling me I should send them an invitation asap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, it's exactly 8 days till the wedding. I got a message from my father telling me that it's my wedding, but he feels I must invite that branch of the family anyway, because it's just 2 more people. The lists are closed, the menus settled, and my fiancées side wouldn't get to come in time. It's totally unfair for her, and I've spoken to her about this before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a stressful moment for me. I had to fight the list with my girlfriend (I have a really large close family while she's an only child), and this was the best balance for both of us. I told her about this and she freaked out she couldn't invite her family but I would be able to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I push my father's decision back?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13584" LastEditorDisplayName="user7997" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T16:09:20.010" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T19:08:23.920" Title="Dad wants me to invite his mother to my wedding. How to push it back?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-01T14:36:47.667" Score="70" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, it's not your father's decision - it's yours. Your father made a demand of you, but the choice rests with you. You organize the wedding, you're paying for it, you get to decide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you describe, you &lt;strong&gt;cannot&lt;/strong&gt; acquiesce to his request. Every further point you've listed strengthens this fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means you need to find a way to bring this across to him. You've already listed several convincing &quot;outs&quot; for yourself. Tell him that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The lists are closed&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The menu is settled&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Everything is locked in&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should really be all there is to it. You need to make clear that this is your decision, not his. You also need to make clear that this is a final decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's your wedding, not his. You decide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T14:36:47.667" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-03-01T14:37:21.543" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't.&lt;/strong&gt; Not only that, you discourage anyone else from doing so either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing to understand here is this: &lt;strong&gt;You do not have a right to attempt a romantic relationship with every random woman that happens to strikes your fancy out in the world&lt;/strong&gt;. This shouldn't have to be said, but the preponderance of evidence shows it clearly does. There's a famous video showing excerpts of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/10_Hours_of_Walking_in_NYC_as_a_Woman&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;10 hours a woman spent walking around NYC&lt;/a&gt;, with over 100 attempts to do everything from initiate conversations to out and out harassment. That's over 10 an hour!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Women should not have to put up with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, one of the most common ways to try to avoid this kind of contact is to wear headphones. So if you see a woman out and about wearing headphones, &lt;strong&gt;consider it code for &quot;Please do not talk to me.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's even an article on this exact subject on Upworthy titled, get this, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.upworthy.com/advice-for-talking-to-women-wearing-headphones-ignores-why-women-wear-headphones&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Advice for Talking to Women Wearing Headphones Ignores Why Women Wear Headphones&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's really some kind of connection there, she will take off her headphones on her own. If she doesn't do that, please leave her be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="5047" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T14:51:17.903" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T14:51:17.903" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-01T14:43:52.467" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is quite a family mess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your family is trying to appease each other, by forcing you to invite those whom you do not wish to be there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it sounds like your father is the only one who is willing to flat out disregard your decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact of the matter is that it's &lt;strong&gt;your decision&lt;/strong&gt;, and not his, despite what you said in your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, let's take a step back. I'm sure you don't want to physically escort an old lady (your grandmother) out of your wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this problem weren't so imminent, I would have suggested considering appeasement. After all, it would have maybe cost you $400, but surely the simple presence of these individuals would not cause much harm? Perhaps that would have been worth keeping at least some of your close family happy. No one can answer that for you, however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless, it seems past that point, so let's look at your first option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Talk To Your Father&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you want your father on your side. Try explaining to him the same things you've explained here. Explain that it's your fiance and her family that will suffer most if he goes through with what he does. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's doing what he thinks is right, but perhaps if he sees he's hurting another family, he may back off. It could even help if you recognize that you are responsible for that decision and you will accept the family outcome (which is true, even if unfair).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally I try to give examples of what to say in these situations, but this on is particularly.... delicate. You need to decide this for yourself, but just keep these topics in mind as you go forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And be persistent. If the first talk doesn't work, talk to him again the next day. Make it clear that you are very serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And... if that doesn't work.... you have another option...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Nuclear Option&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to throw this out here. Fair warning, this is not a good solution and you need to heavily weigh on if this would be worth it for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, after exhausting your other options, tell your dad that &lt;strong&gt;it is your decision&lt;/strong&gt; that those 2 family members not be at your wedding. Tell him that he has no choice. &lt;strong&gt;This&lt;/strong&gt; will piss him off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're lucky, he will just angrily comply. If not, tell him he has two choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not bring the family members&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't come to the wedding&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's your decision to not have those members be there. If your father cannot not accept that, his only option is to not go himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might find that giving into him is better than that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, it's also possible your father literally just brings those family members no matter what you say. If that happens, don't let it crash your wedding. Just accept it. Unless they are a significant problem at your wedding, just let them stay. And be prepared to come back to this website for help on dealing with the aftermath.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T14:43:52.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-01T14:45:18.530" Score="27" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I got a message from my father telling me that &lt;strong&gt;it's my wedding&lt;/strong&gt;, but &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; feels I must invite that branch of the family anyway, because it's just 2 more people. [...] &lt;strong&gt;It's totally unfair for her&lt;/strong&gt;, and I've spoken to her about this before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No. This is not unfair only for your girlfriend, this is totally unfair &lt;strong&gt;especially for you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As he said, &lt;strong&gt;it's your wedding&lt;/strong&gt;. The decision of who's attending lies only on you and your wife-to-be. If the two of you decided to invite only your friends, it would be fair; if you decided to invite only your supermarket's favourite cashier, that would be fair as well. It's your big moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have the right to tell your father that he's crossing a boundary. Tell him you didn't invite those two more people because of sound reasons discussed with your girlfriend - not because of a momentary whim. Besides, it's too late to change anything, everything is already settled. Reassure him that it's not that you don't love those two family members, it's just that you'll be &lt;strong&gt;happier this way&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it's understandable that your family wants to take part to this milestone of your life, either because they really love you or for a sense of entitlement. Whatever the reason is, you can arrange a &lt;strong&gt;home party&lt;/strong&gt; with the family. If the time is tight, as it seems to be, you can even see them in a dedicated moment after your honeymoon. Everybody will get to see you, you won't have so many expenditures and you can tell everybody who wasn't invited:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, I prefer having a small ceremony, but we appreciate the fact that you would like to take part in our joy. Let's meet for a party at our place!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T21:45:16.690" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T21:45:16.690" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-03-01T14:53:59.093" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't understand the answers here that say &quot;Don't&quot;. It's entirely possible to strike a conversation with a stranger with headphones in a relatively polite way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have seen her for weeks and are exchanging smiles with each other. There are a number of concerns when approaching girls in particular:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Girls are approached by &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; of creeps.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Girls are (as a whole) harassed a lot.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of these things are unacceptable, but they are what we have to deal with at the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You basically need to approach her in a way that &lt;em&gt;doesn't violate her feeling of personal safety&lt;/em&gt;. If you've created an uncomfortable situation for her then you've lost. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How will you know if she's feeling safe and comfortable? Mostly body language, social context and general vibe of the situation. Smiling is typically a very good sign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, you should make yourself approachable to her in a way that lets her easily &quot;signal&quot; that she is interested in communication rather than force a conversation with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="4527" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T15:20:21.250" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T15:20:21.250" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11224" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11165" CreationDate="2018-03-01T14:58:19.723" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think my answer is slightly different from the others so far: I wouldn't tell this person about your codependency at all. As one of the other answers has stated, it's a personality trait (or deficiency if you want to see it that way), not an illness or disorder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that everyone has slightly negative traits that come out in relationships, and through the course of many relationships in general we learn what are good traits we should maintain, and what are bad traits we should work on. &lt;strong&gt;These are personal things for you, not your partner&lt;/strong&gt;. I emphasize that because I feel strongly that if you draw attention to them, it will make your partner &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; conscious of if/when it happens, and possibly make you overly sensitive about it as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead what you need to do is be mindful of when situations occur that would usually bring out your codependent behaviour, and do your best to control it. Feeling that you depend on someone else's approval or support in order to be happy is a challenge, but it is best solved by throwing your energy into positive things such as hobbies that don't necessarily involve your partner. The more you make them the centre of your life, the easier it is to become dependent on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take the relationship in small steps, balance spending time with your friends and family, not just your partner, and it's possible to overcome those feelings with time. I'll say again though: telling your partner isn't going to help you solve this. The only caveat to that is if they question why you don't spend more time with them, &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; it would be okay to say that you've been in relationships in the past where codependency was a problem and you're trying to avoid that happening again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T14:58:19.723" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9967" CreationDate="2018-03-01T15:20:25.007" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's many good answers here, so I hope I can add something valuable :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also an aspie. I don't make it a secret, but I will rarely tell people. A couple years ago, I started dating my boyfriend. I figured it would be important for my life partner to know about (the reasons for) my behaviour. I had made myself a plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the first months, I carefully polled how much he knew about autism and Asperger. If he was knowledgable, I would straight up tell him. If he knew the stereotypes, I would tell him only about my 'symptoms'. If he had no clue, I would do a combination. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I started out giving clear hints that I am not neurotypical. While I usually don't, with him I would point out what is difficult for me. I would tell him that I hate repeating sounds and wet things and that I can be very neurotic. He didn't link any of it to autism, but he understood where I needed help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He started asking questions, like what is difficult for me and how he can help. He wanted to know to what extend I can function on my own. He has been really supportive, giving me the help I require. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't part of your question, but I thought I'd include it anyway. My previous partner tried to 'fix' my autism by forcing me into uncomfortable situations repeatedly, so I would 'get used' to them. All this ended up doing was putting me in a depression. It taught me to clearly communicate my needs to my partner and that if they don't respect them, it's not a good relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; Communicate what makes you different and what you need (from her), as soon as appropriate. Don't be afraid to be different, even neurotypical people have things they can't do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T15:20:25.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11226" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11234" CreationDate="2018-03-01T15:30:48.147" Score="16" ViewCount="5441" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good friend of mine, James, is an unemployed graphic designer with a significant amount of time on his hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really like his work and would like to commission him at his desired rate. However, I've asked him &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;casually&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; (although I did specifically mention that I would pay him his going rate, no more, no less) before if he would be interested and he said &quot;No&quot; in a very casual way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that he has no obligation to do this work and that I should respect his decision not to do work for me, but this seems to be a win-win for the both of us and I'd really like to convince him of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also understand that situations like this can lead to awkward interactions. Dealing with significant sums of money, having to put time aside between us to work &quot;professionally&quot;, and the risk that I don't like the work he's done could be reasons behind him denying the casual request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main drivers that make me want to specifically work with him are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His style is something I desire&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He has done free/work as a student for me before which the work I am commissioning would be based off of&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would expect we could have a good working relationship since we talk to each other often, potentially making the process more &quot;fun&quot; for the both of us&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to support him in his career, especially since he is currently unemployed&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask/convince him to do this work for me? Or at the very least, how can I ask him in such a way that he might give me a very specific answer as to why he wouldn't want to do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T14:10:11.783" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T14:10:11.783" Title="How to ask a friend to do professional work?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11226" CreationDate="2018-03-01T15:39:40.213" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;First things first, he's already told you no, so whatever your approach don't get your hopes too high.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do approach it, offer up all of the reasons you think it'd be a good idea like you did above.  It's also a good idea to acknowledge you heard him the last time you asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, I know you initially said no, but I wanted to ask you one more time if you'd reconsider allowing me to pay you for some design work I need.  I'm looking for a style like yours and I believe we could have a great working relationship.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he says no again, he'll probably elaborate a bit more on why he feels the need to decline your offer to help you understand why his answer is final.  However, if he only says no, you could just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Alright, I'll respect your decision and won't ask again. For future reference though, could I ask why?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach is a safe bet because you're telling him that you're not looking for ways to convince him otherwise (by saying you'll respect his decision, and will not ask again).  Additionally, by saying &quot;for future reference&quot; you're essentially asking him &quot;&lt;em&gt;Should I not come to you with future work inquiries either?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; which is something you should make clear between the both of you anyway, if he's wanting to keep his friendships separate from his professional work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T15:39:40.213" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11230" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11197" CreationDate="2018-03-01T15:43:13.287" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let them know you are indeed trying to adapt and learn German but that you are still a beginner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for &quot;we live in Germany and we should discuss then only in German&quot;, ok but is it worth not being able to communicate with a member of the team. I understand what they are trying to say, but that will not make the team move forward if they &quot;leave you behind&quot;. Tell them that this kind of behaviour is parasitic and will only slow down the team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be a bit harsh, but it is the truth. You should sugar coat this as much as possible by insisting on the fact that you are taking lessons, but it takes time to learn (especially German).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest to avoid the &quot;passive-agressive&quot; way of answering in English to a German discussion. Try speaking German as much as you can, even if it might not be correct. That way, they will not be able to tell you that you do not even try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10435" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T15:43:13.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11231" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11235" CreationDate="2018-03-01T16:11:04.397" Score="5" ViewCount="2566" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 19 years old male from Canada. I have this friend (Let's call her Alice) who I've known for a few years. Since both our birthdays are on the same date and we have a lot of friends in common, we've been celebrating our birthday party together for the past years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This year, we plan to do the same but there's a problem. Alice recently (about 1 to 2 months ago) broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years (Let's call him Steve). Steve is a close friend of mine, he's part of our mutual friend group, he has been there at most of our birthday parties and I really want him to be there this year. However, when I told this to Alice over the phone, she said after a long silence that she'd rather not invite him but that she will think about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is : &lt;strong&gt;How can I sensitively talk to my friend about my desire to invite her ex to our party?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel it's unfair not to invite him just because he's her ex. He was a part of our friend group before they started dating and he's friends with pretty much everyone we want to invite at the party. Also, the party will take place in a downtown bar and there will be a lot of people, so even if he's there, they can simply limit their interactions and enjoy their night with the other people they want to see. They had no problem doing this at the house party for the birthday of a friend in our mutual friend group. However, I do understand that it's her birthday party this time so she doesn't want to deal with having her ex around in the same bar she's in but I think it's necessary to compromise, given the circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what happened : I stopped trying to convince Alice to invite Steve. During the day before the party, Steve kept messaging me saying that he really wanted to show up even if he was not invited. I told him it was a bad idea and that he should at least ask Alice instead of showing up unannounced. He asked Alice and she told him that as long as they did not interact, she would not mind him being there. So Steve came to the party, it was a great night, everyone had fun and since then, it seems like they've been able to attend the same events without being annoyed by the presence of each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13344" LastEditorUserId="13344" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T20:52:38.547" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T20:52:38.547" Title="How to convince my friend to let me invite her ex to our birthday party?" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11202" CreationDate="2018-03-01T16:23:35.317" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think he &quot;blows up&quot; when he believes to be treaten unfair by something. Stubbing one's toe or dropping something is no unfair treatment, but when he plays he believes that the game is treating him unfairly - hence the strong emotional reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Games are supposed to be fair (unless you got a real cheater, these are the scourge of honest players).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can record the game and replay it in slow motion, but that may not work. Netcodes are a weird thing, and the position of the player isn't always the same on the server and the client depending on ping, so the evidence may not be conclusive. It's just a thing one has to accept when playing online games. Since ping time is bounded by speed of light and other network issues, if someone shoots the spot you were 20 milliseconds ago it can register as a hit, it's part of the online gaming experience, can't change it unless everyone is on a LAN with &amp;lt;1ms ping...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also this won't fix the main issue, which is that he seems unable to deal with random setbacks without finding someone to blame. Life is unfair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time you waste time listening to his rants, give sympathy and attention to his tantrums, the more you &lt;strong&gt;validate&lt;/strong&gt; his victim narrative! Giving him attention actually makes him more likely to do it again. Think about it this way: if you give a lollipop to your kid every time they cry, then they will cry every time they want a lollipop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I would personally resort to not giving a damn, plus good old ribbing and shaming:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Who cares, it's the game! Score back!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You're such a victim John, come back in the game and take it out on them, we need the score!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Season to taste. He's already ruining your games and you've been thinking about kicking him out, so don't feel too guilty about using flowery words like &quot;grow a pair&quot;. Have fun!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T16:23:35.317" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11233" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11202" CreationDate="2018-03-01T16:34:12.053" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have found in online gaming that certain games/modes bring out the worst in some people, often to the detriment of everyone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it can be worth only playing with some people in certain game modes, maybe strongly insisting on doing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;e.g. I wont play the game &quot;Left 4 Dead 2&quot; on VS mode with some friends because they play it too much and take it too seriously for my liking, and they get angry with me when I make a mistake - however I will play co-op campaign mode as it gets a lot less heated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice would be if he's getting too angry to see if there are other, potentially less competitive games he would prefer to play - especially if he rage quits the game your currently playing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2866" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T16:34:12.053" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11226" CreationDate="2018-03-01T16:46:23.550" Score="41" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;he simply said, &quot;No.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know his reasons, but the elephant in the room is that working for/with friends has a tendency to result in drama and ultimately no longer being friends. Usually, it goes like the following algorithm:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your requirements are not clear enough, because you treated this as a friendly meeting and not a business deal.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He does some work according to your unclear requirements, and shows it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You change your mind (because your requirements were not clear enough). Perhaps you're a bit miffed your friend could not mind-read your expectations. You come up with new ideas.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Repeat, until he gets fed up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being friends means he will be more likely to do too much work for you, you will be more likely to take it as granted, and then you will both resent it when your mismatched expectations collide. Also, discussing money can get awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is like the &quot;friend price&quot;. Will you pay him above market price because you're his friend, or will he do it below market price because he's your friend? Who gets screwed? This is an interesting question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is easy to fire an annoying client, or stop working with an unsatisfactory contractor, but this easy way out is not available if you're friends. This increases the stakes and the cost of failure, and therefore increases the likelihood he will have to do too much work to keep you happy, and he can see it coming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to hire a friend for work you should:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Make it clear you're aware of the above&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Don't hire him to do the work, start with hiring him to clarify your requirements and brainstorm, and come up with a job description that you could use to hire someone.  If you both come up with a plan that he likes, then you can discuss hiring him to implement it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T21:29:58.787" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T21:29:58.787" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11235" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11231" CreationDate="2018-03-01T17:01:03.050" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;For most occasions the best policy to have when two people in your friend group have dated is that &lt;strong&gt;they will both still be invited but it is up to them to sort out if they have issues seeing each other&lt;/strong&gt;, not the group.  The group shouldn't be responsible for their intimate drama, and that's an expectation of about any friend group in normal circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, because this is her birthday, maybe the best solution is to allow her to set the tone for her own birthday. Explain to her that you feel they could easily avoid each other at the bar, but let her decide if she wants Steve there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They had no problem doing this at the house party for the birthday of a friend in our mutual friend group. However, I do understand that it's her birthday party this time so she doesn't want to deal with having her ex around in the same bar she's in but I think it's necessary to compromise, given the circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very fair assessment you've made.  The best you can do is tell Alice that you'd really like to invite Steve, and let her decide if she's okay with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says no, maybe you can suggest separating your parties this year.  One for her, without Steve, and one for you, where you invite both of them.  You could also propose this to her by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If you don't want Steve to come for your party, would you be okay with having separate parties this year?  I understand how you might be uncomfortable and I'm okay with that, but for my party I'd like to not exclude Steve since he's a good friend of mine as well.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be less convenient than usual, but this is the best way to respect your friends wishes for her own birthday, should she still not want to invite Steve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T17:01:03.050" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11236" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-01T17:01:27.743" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is your wedding. It is not just a budget thing but the type of wedding you want(ed) to have. Your father should have truly accepted the limited guest list the fist time you discussed it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling you that you need to inform people not invited they were not invited is not his call. That is just silly. It is like rubbing salt in wound. It accomplishes nothing positive. After the ceremony you could send out an announcement we were married in a small service on xxmmyy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your father decided to push back.  It is not his decision and he should have honored the prior discussion.  What do you say to you father? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, it is my wedding.  Our decisions and arrangements have been made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you give him reasons then he has something to debate.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not just 1 or 2 more people - it opens up a whole can of worms. Other people not invited will just be more upset they did not make the expanded list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My own sister that I get along with did not invite me to her rehearsal dinner and I DJ'd (including supply the equipment) for her wedding.  My parents that usually stayed at my house crammed in my sisters house because they did not want me to know I was excluded - she made it inconvenient for my parents. Took many years but I finally told my sister not cool.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is water under the bridge and I think you should stick to your guns. In the case of my sister immediate family should be included unless estranged.  Her response was limited budget and my response was you could have chosen a cheaper restaurant.  I gave her $400 as a present and she knew she would get something like that from me as that is what I gave my brother.  If I knew in advance I was excluded I probably would have reduced that amount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T18:31:22.970" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T18:31:22.970" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11113" CreationDate="2018-03-01T17:37:53.863" Score="0" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Use &amp;quot;The Brushoff&amp;quot;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The technique you are looking for is known as the &amp;quot;brushoff.&amp;quot; The key to a good brushoff is to not make a big deal out of it. Your exit plan should be short, and you will get the best outcomes if you leave room for your unwelcome conversation partner to save face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The absolutely simplest brushoff is to completely ignore the person as if you didn't hear them. You can often pull this off in a loud club. If they insist on trying to talk to you, just point at your ear and make out like you can't understand them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second shortest brushoff is to just smile then go back to what you were doing. This can actually be a little tricky to pull off because the smile could be misinterpreted. You have to be good with your body language. The idea is to convey that you don't dislike them as an individual, but you are just busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(By the way, if you're actually &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; busy, why not talk to them? You can always use the brushoff a few minutes later if something/one more interesting comes up.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another short brushoff is to use a &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;positive cliche acknowledgement&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; then go back to what you were doing. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, how are you? I totally love this place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Right on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Go back to what you were doing before)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; Do you want to meet me at the Roxy some time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I hear that place is the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Go back to what you were doing before)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It helps to have a few of these prepared beforehand, so that they just come out automatically in the heat of the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These techniques will help deal with whatever anxiety she is feeling (it isn't easy for most people to talk to strangers), and help her feel like she got at least a few words out of the conversation. Then when they see you going back to what you were doing before, they will usually take the hint, and it is easier for them to digest at that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't make a big deal out of it. That's the worst thing you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2029" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T17:43:34.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11238" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-01T17:48:02.510" Score="3" ViewCount="1490" Body="&lt;p&gt;I dated the same guy all throughout high school (yes, all of high school-- as a summary: he's a year older and lived about 20 minutes away from me, it was pretty serious) and the relationship lasted through November of my freshman year in college. He broke up with me but it was pretty amicable, and we stayed in contact online but didn't see each other in person for about nine months. When we did see each other, he told me he still wasn't over me (which I'd guessed from other things he'd said) but took it well when I told him I didn't feel the same way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's now about a year and a half since we broke up (so about 6 months from him saying he wasn't over me) and I think he's over me. We still talk occasionally, and I'm definitely open to being friends with him, he's a super nice and cool guy. However, when I think we're just having a casual conversation he'll often drop really big/tough subjects (for example, when I ask how he's doing as a conversation starter he responded that he was hospitalized, I believe for mental health concerns). This has happened about three times in the past few months, and I have no idea how to respond. I don't feel that we're close enough for him to talk about these things with me, but I don't want to make it seem like I don't care. Ideally, I'd like to remain friends with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually what I've done in these situations is ignore the message and wait for him to pick the conversation back up, but this seems really rude to me. So, my question is, &lt;strong&gt;How can I ask my ex to stop sharing information that I feel is too personal for our current relationship without ending our friendship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I'm pretty sure he has other, closer friends (but not sure). He's still in contact with our mutual friends from high school and he's got a club at his college that he really connects with. He might still not be over me, but it hasn't been as overt as it was before the summer. I've asked our mutual friends about it (probably not the best/most honest move, I'll admit) and they say he's over me, but it's possible they're just saying this to make me feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: this is my first asked question, I'm sure I've made mistakes so please let me know if there's anything I should add/change/remove :) Thanks!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13598" LastEditorUserId="13598" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T18:17:49.530" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T03:16:07.067" Title="How to ask ex to not be too personal" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-03-01T18:36:14.563" Score="99" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Model the behavior you're seeking and see if she follows.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wear a set of headphones next time you go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you make eye contact with her and she smiles back, stay right where you are and take your headphones off to indicate that you're willing to interrupt your work to talk with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she reciprocates, then you have your chance. If she does take off her headphones from this approach, keep this chat brief unless she seems obviously eager to continue. Start with something complicated like &quot;Hi. My name is {say your first name}&quot; Measure her response. Everything you say after that is on you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try and she doesn't  take her headphones off, move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13603" LastEditorUserId="13603" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T22:56:09.130" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T22:56:09.130" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11241" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11246" CreationDate="2018-03-01T19:09:02.027" Score="1" ViewCount="938" Body="&lt;p&gt;Frequently my friend will invite me to play a game that we both enjoy. It has a fairly venomous reputation for having a toxic community, and while there are exceptions I'm forced to agree with the reputation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, for the most part I think I am able to stay positive and we both have fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when my friend plays the more stressful roles in the game, where he is more in the spotlight for his performance, he quickly descends into being extremely irritable, even though usually he is a beacon of positivity. It becomes obvious almost immediately that he is not having fun playing the game when he gets like this, and he has to very obviously restrain himself from snapping out in anger at his friends, who we all know he cares about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to continue enjoying this game with my friend, but more importantly I want to help him to continue having fun, even when he plays the roles that he finds stressful, or performs poorly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried ignoring his situation, but he just stays on the same path. I have also tried to make jokes to lighten the mood, and mention positive things, to focus on the silver-lining, but this ranged from making things worse to keeping things the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not particularly concerned about the effect this has on me, or my other friends. Rather, answers to this question should try to help me help my friend deal with his anger going forward. He is a very reasonable individual and I expect that he would be amenable to many suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do for my friend to help him de-stress and have fun in these circumstances?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3426" LastEditorUserId="3426" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T20:15:34.643" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T20:15:34.643" Title="How can I save my friend from tilting?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-03-01T20:26:23.617" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11238" CreationDate="2018-03-01T19:20:52.303" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a sensitive topic so you're right to be cautious.  Since you're still friends with him, it's also important to try to be sensitive (while this boundary is an issue for you, it's clearly not for him).  If I were you, I'd try approaching the topic by saying something like the following the next time he oversteps a boundary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: &amp;quot;I was hospitalized for a while a few months ago.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &amp;quot;I'm sorry to hear that.  I'm really glad you're doing better now, but I don't feel very comfortable talking about things that are this personal, if that's okay with you.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This accomplishes several things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Acknowledges the hardships he is sharing with you, and express that you're glad he's made progress in a better direction&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For whatever reason (whether he isn't over you, or you're just his closest friend), he wants to share this with you.  If you still value the friendship, as it seems you do - just not on the same level, it's important to still acknowledge that he went through a traumatic thing and he's sharing it with you. This is the type of response a good friend would share with another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You transition into telling him you don't feel comfortable talking about this serious of a personal topic&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He doesn't share your feelings that this content is too personal - that's why he's sharing it with you.  It's important to acknowledge that that is on &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; side of the relationship.  Own that.  &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; are not comfortable talking about these topics, even if he is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You ask him to respect this comfort boundary you are setting&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying &amp;quot;if that's okay with you&amp;quot; is really just asking for him to acknowledge your feelings, and from this point on, to respect them.  If he asks why, just be honest with him.  &amp;quot;We broke up not too long ago&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;while I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; over you, I'm not ready to be that close of friends yet&amp;quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously if he doesn't respect your feelings, that's a whole other topic, but this should set the stage for him to understand that you don't feel comfortable being at this level right now, without showing disrespect for his experiences or hurting him greatly while he is trying to be vulnerable to you with this emotional expression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T19:20:52.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11243" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-01T19:24:05.423" Score="16" ViewCount="2410" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friends at work and I meet up for lunch to play short card and board games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately, we've had enough people to play a card game every day. (Not like poker or such, packaged card games). This is great! It's usually a huge stress relief for me, and a lot of fun!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But one of the newer guys, who seems to get agitated easily and get pissy quickly, makes jokes about my enforcing the rules of the game (however convoluted they may be) whenever someone asks about rules of the games. Admittedly, I make jokes on occasion as well, so I haven't been letting it bother me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until today. Today during a game, one of the players started clearing &quot;out&quot; cards off the table mid game and preparing for the next game&lt;sup&gt;&amp;dagger;&lt;/sup&gt;. This is &lt;em&gt;explicitly&lt;/em&gt; against the rules of the game, but I refrained from making a scene about it at the time. I figured it really usually doesn't affect the game, though this was the first time he'd done it, so why make a scene? I could just point it out after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, this time, his clearing the &quot;out&quot; cards did affect the game. With one card left each for two players, one player used his turn to call a card that had been played out. (All the cards of that type were out.) He had no way to know this, because the cards were all taken back and were being shuffled. Normally, not a big deal. However, to mix up the game, we had houseruled a little. We had removed two cards from the deck before we started.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily, the player that had picked up and shuffled the cards knew for sure what the burn cards were, and everything was fine. But, the first player lost the game because he had no way of knowing the card he was calling was out, not counting the burn cards. The second player stopped to ask how many of that card had gone out already, so he was able to win in that move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the moments of this incident happening, I pointed out that this &lt;em&gt;was against the rules&lt;/em&gt; and it impacted the game. I'm a stickler for rules for the most part, though I'm all for house rules if everyone has a say in whether we play them or not. (We put it to a vote, usually).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was pointing out this being against the rules, a lot of the group gave me these looks like it really didn't matter. The gentleman that makes jokes probably made another joke, but I was so bothered by the looks that I excused myself to go grab my lunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My immediate instinct was two fold:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Apologize on Slack because I &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; part of the looks was my tone. I may have sounded too aggressive or hostile, though that was not my intent. I don't know for sure that this was the case, but I will still apologize for it because these are my friends.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain that if the group wants me to not care about the rules so much, I can do that. That's fine! I've got no problem with it... But if we go this route, I no longer feel comfortable offering up my own games to play.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thought, naturally, no problem. I'll be doing that regardless. The second thought, however... It feels like &quot;taking my ball and going home.&quot; The others don't seem to care as much about how closely we follow the rules. Again, I'm fine with this! As long as we all agree to how closely we're following them, or as long as I don't know them that well. I know the rules for all of my games pretty damn well, mainly so I can teach them to the group when we play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to express to my friends that I'm cool with being more lax on the rules, but I'm not comfortable with being more lax with the rules on my own games (Mainly because I know them so well I'm not sure I could be more lax...) though I'm more than open to compromises that are suggested. I don't, however, want to come across as petty or &quot;my way or the highway&quot; when/if I bring this point up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I express this without sounding petty?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Further context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are all IT professionals in a State job, but in different departments. We're all in the same building. I am the only female of our group, most days. I'm also one of the better players.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easily agitated player is one of the older men. The age ranges are from (guessing because I haven't asked any of the older guys) probably 40/50ish to 22. I'm on the lower end of that, with only two of the guys younger than me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&amp;dagger;&lt;/sup&gt; For clarity, the game was &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/131357/coup&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Coup&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;. In it, you get two of five types of card, there's a set number of each type in the deck. You can claim to be any card in the deck, but if another player calls you on a lie, you lose a card. If they call you and you're lying, they lose a card. Lost cards are flipped face up and remain so on the table. We also had a house rule to remove two cards from the deck before starting.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T07:36:48.117" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T11:57:43.160" Title="How can I &quot;chill&quot; about my position on game rules without looking like I'm just &quot;taking my ball and going home&quot;?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;games&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11238" CreationDate="2018-03-01T19:24:37.533" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;After being ins a serious relationship with each other for ~4 years, people will know a lot about somebody. Part of any strong relationship (romantic or platonic ) is being vulnerable to and open with the other person. Once a person has been vulnerable open and honest with another and it went well, it is easier to repeat and feels safer. While your ex may have other friends and close acquaintances, it is unlikely that they have found another person they can trust in this way and feel comfortable discussing hard topics with. Especially in the case of a 'soft-break' end of the relationship, it is plausible, whether they are 'over you' or not, that your ex has not built up another relationship in which they feel the same level of safety and trust they felt with you. If they have something difficult they need to talk about, they may immediately think of you as the right/easy person to talk to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;You are not obligated to be that person for your ex (or anybody) if you do not want that.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, setting some boundaries is your next step (as you tagged). When a hard topic comes up is not the time to start a boundary conversation, instead pick a time to reach out when you think you're both ready to have a clear and sensible conversation. Face to face is best, video-call or phone second best, I personally wouldn't try to have a serious conversation over text, but the medium of communication best for the two of you is something you know better than I. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The core of your conversation should be something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;[name], I don't feel comfortable or that I'm the right person to discuss heavy/personal issues with you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first statement broaching the subject should be an 'I statement' where the focus is on how you feel, avoiding having your statement misinterpreted as blaming you ex for overstepping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can also be followed with some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;For example, when you brought up [personal issue], I didn't know how to respond and I froze up&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also encourage them to develop new relationships with people they are closer to where they feel safe sharing and discussing sensitive topics like this. It is important to have somebody to talk to, but you don't need to be that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Source for first section:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;Any long conversation with an ex I'm on good terms with easily and quickly plunges into sensitive or personal areas because, having opened those channels and learned so much about each other, we are safe, easy and effective sounding boards for each other when discussing about new challenges and sensitive topics. This was sometimes uncomfortable and would stop as one of us felt out of our depth, or unhealthily emotionally entangled (especially when discussing new partners). As time has passed since the breakup, it has been easier and I now feel that they are a somewhat distant, but a person I can reach out to and discuss tough topics with.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T19:41:40.403" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T19:41:40.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11213" CreationDate="2018-03-01T19:40:20.517" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're on good enough terms, there is nothing in the world wrong with asking if someone's okay.  If they don't want to talk about it, at that point, I wouldn't press it any further and try to minimize attention to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may have had something huge on their mind that day and it was just bubbling up as a facial tic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8151" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T19:40:20.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11241" CreationDate="2018-03-01T19:48:37.597" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It might be in the nature of the game to cause irritation for certain types of people, and that's nothing you can really change.  They may have some latent anger issues that they need to work through, but until that happens, this may end up repeating itself many times.  If this doesn't bother you, then just accept this as an &quot;occupational hazard&quot; of playing this particular game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you may be able to put a bandaid the issue in the short term if this does indeed bother you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my own experience, Super Smash Brothers caused me a lot of raging because despite how hard I try, I end up losing and it eats at me.  It got to the point my friends noticed it, and we ended up deciding on a few points to de-stress may be helpful to your situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Taking a break from the game when the feelings of anger begin surfacing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Finding other games to play that are less stressful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Include more friends in the game&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8151" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T19:48:37.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11243" CreationDate="2018-03-01T20:02:42.943" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In your own words, the purpose of this outing to begin with is stress relief.  If this game can't be played casually without stressing you out, perhaps it's time to pick another game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you go to apologize, just mention that this game is important to you and it honestly gets frustrating when it's not played correctly which causes incidents that derail the game.  Come up with a suggestion for a game that won't grind your gears or anyone else's so that the gameplay can get back to being fun for everyone, including yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your own words, you're unsure if you could come down on certain games.  If that's the case, it's best to just try to move on to another game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're having issues with the new player shaking the boat, the same kind of solution applies.  It's possible that having to follow such a strict rule set annoys the new guy, which he expresses via jokes.  The incident also follows that perhaps the rules may just be too complicated for a casual lunch setting &lt;em&gt;for everyone involved&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like for this game it's easy for the game to derail if the rules aren't followed closely, which is why I suggested another lighter game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8151" LastEditorUserId="8151" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T20:19:50.513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T20:19:50.513" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11243" CreationDate="2018-03-01T20:03:18.663" Score="7" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Sit everyone down and talk it through.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some friends and I like to play Settlers of Catan from time to time. There used to be maybe eight or nine of us, and given that the game's for up to four (or six, with an expansion pack), only about half of us get together to play at any given time. That means that there are sometimes inconsistencies in how minor rules are applied. We've also tried to modify the rules to implement one or two that made things smoother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One controversy we had a couple months back involved whether one player can break up another's set of roads, therefore possibly losing them points (technical detail: it was about whether settling on an opponent's road can break the chain up and possibly stop them from getting Longest Road). During one game, someone tried to apply the rule to take points away from another player; that second player got upset, and we had a small problem. I don't recall who won the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that incident, we tried to go over all the rules that could be problematic (turns out there are a lot!). We formally established which ones would be modified and which would be used, and when certain rules could take effect. We made sure everyone knew about them. Most importantly, we made the decision as a group. We actually cut the precedents entirely and tried to work it out from scratch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would do something similar here, reexamine the rules themselves. There's clearly a disagreement about the validity of one of them. Look at the possibilities, look at their strengths and weaknesses, and figure out which will work the best. If the group as a whole wants to be more laid-back, then maybe go with that option. If they indicate that they're good with a compromise, maybe modify the rule so it only applies in certain circumstances or use it in some games but not others (that was our ultimate solution). Try to be as objective as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that in this sort of case, people are happiest if everyone can reason things out. &lt;strong&gt;It's possible that you accidentally came off as enforcing the rules for the sake of the rules, rather than as enforcing them because there was a really important issue.&lt;/strong&gt; Talking it out logically should be able to quell those assumptions, and let them know that you weren't trying to be controlling - you just saw a problem and tried to fix it. Actions, I think, speak louder than words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T20:03:18.663" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11215" CreationDate="2018-03-01T20:20:00.223" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;To your families, you're the outliers.  More of the burden is going to fall on you, unfortunately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband's family is almost all in one city, about a six-hour drive from us.  When they plan get-togethers, they do it with the local people in mind and don't tend to consider us.  (I mean things like parties on Sunday nights, so we would have to take a day off of work to return home on Monday.)  We've tried to gently change their behavior, but it hasn't worked.  They're not mean people or anything, nor are they especially oblivious; they just don't see why they should change what works for all of them just for the two of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The cost of that is that sometimes we don't go to their things, and they have to accept that.  Sometimes my husband goes alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, the only time most of them have ever come to us was for our wedding.  We've invited them for other things, and occasionally some of them stop by on the way to somewhere else, but we are not as central as anybody living in their city, even distant relatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your families don't need you as much as you need them.  Because they don't need you as much, they're not going to initiate if it's inconvenient, and traveling to you is apparently too high a bar for them at least for &quot;casual&quot; things.  So you want to find ways to interact that are easy for them, and you'll probably keep needing to take the initiative.  For us, email works well and my husband calls family members for special occasions (like birthdays), and that's enough.  If you want more regular contact, you might want to establish a pattern for phone calls (you call every Sunday night, or whatever), or build up your email and social-media connections.  As for visits, I recommend that you wait to invite them again until you have a specific occasion, like a party you're planning.  People who won't bestir themselves just to visit sometimes do so if its for a specific gathering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T20:20:00.223" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-01T20:54:03.623" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Family often get you feel guilty. This is the main mechanism for manipulation. It's often hidden. The main answer here would be: imagine what would be if you fulfill the father's will and if not. Only you know what is better.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I can assume, that if you would do what he is asking, he would be glad, but after a month he will forget about it. Otherwise he will be angry, but after a month forget about it. The people, which are not invited could offence on you for a long time. Do you need them in your further life? If no, then do whatever you want) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm trying to say - think about future and about people like them is you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13608" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T20:54:03.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-01T22:13:42.740" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is what I feel I’d want to do in your situation: elope with the fiancée and the original list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still haven’t paid for the preparations you mention, take that money and spend it on a fun getaway. If you’ve already paid, say “screw it” to the money. Don’t fall into a sunk cost fallacy: losing the money and having the marriage you want is better than not wasting the money but having a stressful day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both have difficult relationships with your families and now they’re bringing you even more down, making you bend to their wills. When they inevitably get mad, explain it as a spur of the moment romantic gesture. Hopefully that’ll soften their indignation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted, this is not in direct response to your actual question (&lt;strong&gt;I do so further down&lt;/strong&gt;) and only a week away it’ll be harder to pull off. But ask yourself and your fiancée if it &lt;em&gt;feels&lt;/em&gt; right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, do everything as planned &lt;em&gt;except actually getting married&lt;/em&gt;. Do the whole celebratory meal with family and whatnot but don’t go through the signing of the papers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then have the wedding later on as originally planned. Your memory will be of the day you wanted &lt;em&gt;plus&lt;/em&gt; having benignly duped everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this latter scenario, &lt;strong&gt;tell your father that you cannot allow the extra people to come because you had an arrangement with your fiancée. In said arrangement both had to make sacrifices on who to invite and she’s keeping her end of the deal. It’s imperative you do the same, else you’d be starting the marriage on the wrong foot.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10703" LastEditorUserId="10703" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T22:47:26.207" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T22:47:26.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11253" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11231" CreationDate="2018-03-01T22:20:19.323" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe you should sit down with yourself and have a little empathy session. Consider how much of a downer it is going to be for your friend if her ex is there and weigh it against how much of a downer it is going to be for you if her ex is not there. Than give her a little bit more, since Alice really seems to have strong feelings against him coming. I am tending to think it could be more then a downer for Alice, more like a spoiler.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're friends with both, you know the nature of the break up. If it is going to be a downer/spoiler for your friend, then be cool and let this one go, especially if there is some chance of an incident between the two of them. Smooth it over with her ex by having a talk with him. He might actually be really OK with it. Since you're close friends with Steve do it over a little birthday lunch or dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to split the parties over this I would think Alice would be offended and you would run a risk of losing her friendship. Joint birthdays are a very cool thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest with you I am getting a feeling you're being a little self centered about this thing. You're trying to put something that you want, over something that Alice may need at this time. I don't think there is any sensitive way to do that. Whatever way you approach it you're going to suffer some fall out with Alice or Steve. If Steve is a good guy he will get it and you will still have a friendship with him. Alice on the other hand: you're running a high risk of really hurting her feelings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T23:31:33.130" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T23:31:33.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11255" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11256" CreationDate="2018-03-01T22:58:02.227" Score="6" ViewCount="944" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm moving to a new town (a big city in Florida) where I don't know anyone for work.  I'm over 23.  My father wants me to give him the number and e-mail for my primary work boss because sometimes I don't respond for a few days and he worries and he would like a back up contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is that I don't feel comfortable doing that at all.  How would I get around this?  We are currently in an argument because of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my suggestions was to let him have temporary access to my GPS information in which case, if I didn't respond, he could contact local authorities.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's not much of a technical person so he didn't like that.  I don't really know what else to do besides just letting this pass and after meeting some people in the new town, give him a contact name then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7912" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T03:59:57.957" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T12:38:15.513" Title="Father wants me to give him my work number and I don't want to" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11255" CreationDate="2018-03-01T23:21:02.390" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;Welcome to adulthood, the wonderful magical age when it becomes completely appropriate to tell your parents:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems like one of those occasions where simply saying &quot;no&quot; is completely reasonable. Giving out your boss's contact information so that your parent can check up on you is not only odd, it's plainly unprofessional and I'm sure that your boss would agree. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setting appropriate boundaries with your parents is a healthy normal thing to do at your age. You're an adult now and it's time that they started treating you like one. Daily check ups may have been appropriate when you lived at home, but that's no longer the case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like being generous, call home on a regular basis and put the old man's mind at ease. It's a &quot;nice&quot; thing to do, but don't let it become a chore or an obligation. It's something you do to maintain the relationship with your family, not something you do because you &quot;must.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-03-01T23:26:09.137" LastActivityDate="2018-03-01T23:26:09.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11259" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10980" CreationDate="2018-03-02T03:02:40.103" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here are some approaches I've sometimes seen be effective:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My son is a clown and can make anyone laugh about anything.  (I would not be able to pull this off.)  In this situation I can imagine that each time A (Aggressive Person) interrupts right after seeming to be done talking, my son would open his mouth and then clack it shut again, making any onlookers laugh at A.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I know a secretary at a busy community center who asserts herself mercilessly with any and everyone.  (She is nice when you treat her right.)  As soon as anyone raises their voice to her, she looks a little bit annoyed and says, &quot;You're raising your voice.&quot;  As soon as anyone interrupts, she says, &quot;You're interrupting.&quot;  Productive conversation ceases until the offending party apologizes.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Really wait: Each time A appears to be done talking, wait longer than would normally be needed, so you can be sure he's done.  Before responding to what he was saying, calmly ask, &quot;Are you done?&quot; or &quot;Anything you want to add?&quot;  If he says he's done, but then he interrupts you again, you can allow yourself to  be a bit indignant: &quot;Hold on, you said you were done, now it's my turn.&quot;  Or &quot;Oh, my mistake, I understood that you were done.  Please, proceed.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Walk away: Don't respond to A's ideas or statements.  Respond only to the yelling, with something like this, if you can fit it into a gap in the noise:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not accustomed to being yelled at.  Let me know when you can talk to me without yelling (or: when you've calmed down and are ready to listen as well as talk).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Walking away in silence is usually more effective than yelling back.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My son has Tourette Syndrome and is quite excitable.  I help him lower his voice and speak more calmly by using a visual cue.  I raise my eyebrows a bit, to get his attention and show that I'm trying to help him, and I put out one or two hands, palm flat and facing down, and push the air down toward the floor two or three times.  An optional verbal cue to go with this is &quot;Easy does it,&quot; or &quot;Easy, easy.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T03:02:40.103" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11255" CreationDate="2018-03-02T03:12:09.617" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your father feels anxious.  This is hard on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything you can do to help your father control his anxiety?  For example, when a call or email comes in, can you send a quick text message or email message along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Busy working, will call in a couple of days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be reasonable to tell your father that you want to try out a new idea for a week, how to be more responsive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also level the playing field quite a bit by taking the initiative from time to time to contact him before he's had a chance to contact you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, change the pattern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T03:12:09.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11186" CreationDate="2018-03-02T03:26:21.520" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;After the apology, a good segue into explaining the reasoning behind occurred is that explaining that your contact with your mom cannot involve your father.  This is obviously the most important thing to you when it comes to getting in touch with her, so this is what you should aim to clear the air about first.  It'll both give you a chance to explain your side, and to gauge just how much misinformation your father fed her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are worried about your father being able to be contact you after a phone call, there are services online you can use to mask your phone number with a 'fake' one, or *69 if you're in the United States.  This way, you can retain control of when you're contacted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8151" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T03:26:21.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11243" CreationDate="2018-03-02T03:38:52.530" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personal interactions at games clubs can be tricky, especially since geeky types are sometimes a bit weak in their social skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't apologize, don't explain, don't defend yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start rotating out which games you bring.  Then, if you take an extended break from bringing Coup, it won't be so noticeable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take the long view.  The unpleasant newcomer may start to find himself somewhat isolated as time goes on.  Keep your eyes and ears open.  This will be interesting, and it will also help you keep your cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cultivate allies among the regulars, and try to recruit women to join the games lunches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T03:38:52.530" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11264" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-02T03:54:37.947" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't specify your culture, and so this may not apply to you, but I think you may have underestimated just how family oriented a wedding is in most cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this is your wedding and you are free to do with it as you please, intentionally excluding family members leaves a very, very strong negative impression and significantly damages your relationship with them. In some cultures or for some individuals this can be interpreted as an attempt to cut ties or cause further estrangement between family members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing so and alerting them just three weeks before the event, after you've finalized everything and cannot change anything, is a slap in the face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your father wisely counseled you to alert them much, much earlier in the process. Perhaps he was hoping that by discussing this exclusion to them early on you'd realize just how much you were hurting your family and your already stressed and damaged relationships.  Early enough, perhaps, to spend your $6,800 food budget on a more modest meal that is more inclusive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nevertheless you persisted on this path, and only once plans were irreversible did you finally contact those you chose to exclude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now your father is telling you very directly that you must include them.  This is most likely because he knows the damage this is causing to these relationships, and he's giving you fair warning - you really shouldn't be ignoring this opportunity to fix things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, it appears you two have determined to go ahead.  Your bride has convinced you that it's &quot;fair&quot; to have the same number of family present, and that any damage this causes to your relationships with your family is acceptable.  And perhaps it is, for her. To be honest, this appears from my standpoint to be a selfish requirement on her part, forcing you to pare down you family to her family's size.  But it's what you've agreed to and that is no longer up for discussion, so now you simply need to do damage control as best as you can, particularly without blaming her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, you should recognize the warning your father is providing, call up the affected parties again, and explain very clearly the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We love you dearly, and we want to strengthen our relationship with you.  We recognize this damages our relationship, but I wanted to take some time to explain.  While I love you very much, I'm trying to form a very strong relationship with my wife, and at this stage in our lives we have to approach a few things objectively.  One of these things is family representation at our marriage.  We've chosen a very small set of family - equal on both sides - to include in this event because it's important for our budding relationship.  It's not ideal, and I'm sure you know there's always issues with guest lists at weddings.  We're loathe to exclude anyone we are close to.  However we are doing so for the sake of our marriage, and we hope that you understand.  I doubt it'll make it easier or less painful for you, but we wanted to make sure that you understood we aren't trying to cut ties with you in any way - we'd love to come visit with you and celebrate our marriage, but it's going to have to be at a separate place and time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even with this, you should expect to have to put in a great deal of effort in the following years to maintain and repair those relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T03:54:37.947" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7089" CreationDate="2018-03-02T04:00:37.617" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you change your perspective a little, you may be able to resolve the problem entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider their &quot;meals&quot; a gesture of hospitality.  Don't use them for their nutritional value, but for their interpersonal value - strengthening your relationship with them and your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, prepare when you plan to attend such a meal by eating beforehand, or planning on eating afterward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you will not need to approach them with the intent of having them meet your nutritional needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T04:00:37.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11186" CreationDate="2018-03-02T04:04:09.493" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will assume that you remember your parents' phone number, and that it hasn't changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start with a phone call from a phone that's not associated with your name.  If your father answers, hang up, note down the time of day (to avoid it in future), and wait at least a few days before trying again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this approach, you'll probably be successful sooner or later in speaking with your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Identify yourself, and ask her how she is.  Give her a short version of how you are.  Keep it to about 10 minutes this first time.  Tell her that it was great to talk with her.  Be sincere but go easy on the drama.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her if it would be all right to call again.  Ask, &quot;What are some good times to call, when you're on your own in the house?&quot;  If she presses you to talk to your father as well, explain briefly, e.g. &quot;I wouldn't be comfortable interacting with Dad.&quot;  Don't get into explanations in this first call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gradually, over a series of phone calls, you'll want to find out if there's a way to send a letter such that it won't be intercepted.  Gradually, you'll want to evaluate how your mother is doing, in terms of health, well-being, and so on -- five years is a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait until you feel you  can trust her to be discreet before sharing your phone number with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@OldBunny2800: The goal of what I outlined is precisely to minimize the chances of father hearing/learning of the contact.  There's no guarantee, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T20:51:54.047" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T20:51:54.047" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11267" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11279" CreationDate="2018-03-02T05:05:59.857" Score="28" ViewCount="5703" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone with clammy hands, I feel very self-conscious about shaking hands with others. I can't shake the thought of the other party being repulsed and have sometimes received comments on how clammy my hands are. I can't help but feel embarrassed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I anticipate that I will be shaking hands, I try to warm up and dry my hands prior to the exchange and that works well most of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the events that I can't anticipate, would it be rude to outright decline to shake hands and bluntly explain why? How does one approach this situation respectfully?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7313" LastEditorUserId="7313" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T05:14:09.627" LastActivityDate="2020-02-07T07:27:52.420" Title="Greeting others as someone with clammy hands" Tags="&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11268" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11269" CreationDate="2018-03-02T05:24:35.750" Score="8" ViewCount="1119" Body="&lt;p&gt;Inspired by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4131/correcting-what-i-see-as-factual-errors-in-a-political-discussion&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt;, I thought of a recent pattern of behavior that I have been falling into that I have been seeking to change. My question is different because it does not pertain to dealing with a group of like minded people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My significant other and I have similar mindsets, we like to think we are logical thinkers, since we are both in engineering fields.  In addition, we both have the same religion and have the same concern for current events and politics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only real friction point between us is out world view / political view.  More often than not, when we bring up current events it becomes a &quot;I'm right, you're wrong&quot; sort of thing.  There really isn't a purpose behind such discussions; sometimes we just find interesting things and tell the other. We want to be persuasive and learn things from each other. Regardless if I bring up some credible articles that I have found, or similar viewpoints from people as the same political party as her, she retreats to her views, and, if I'm being truly honest, I to mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, we were talking about the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wdio.com/TWIM/president-trump-steel-tariffs/4809171/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Steel and Aluminum import tariff anouncement&lt;/a&gt; made on March 1st.  This is more of a trade protectionism versus free-trade issue that isn't clear cut accross the right and the left. I stated that while the intention to help domestic industry is there, a massive infrastructure effort is required to offset the lost raw material from rising prices from imports. She stated it will create jobs.  To which I mentioned &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2002_United_States_steel_tariff&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;the fallout of the 2002 tariffs&lt;/a&gt; 16 years ago. She said that the tariff could be undone at any time. From there it became more opinionated and we got relatively nowhere. I should have stopped there, but I kept going because I was worried about this action being a repeat of 2002.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of us want to have some sort productive discussion and really move forward when it comes to politics.  But for me I find it difficult to have a productive discussion when I present statistics on what has happened, or credible articles (i.e. not from conspiracy theorist or clearly partisan sites) and they are just dismissed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of me thinks I'm part of the issue with the way I am presenting information, or even simply bringing up discussion  But as much I want to be agreeable, I don't want reality to be trampled on simply becuase it disagrees with an opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I be an agreeable person while engaging in productive political discussion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11821" LastEditorUserId="11821" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T19:05:26.940" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T03:53:18.777" Title="Hard to have productive political discussion with significant other" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;politics&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11269" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11268" CreationDate="2018-03-02T06:11:58.103" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can sort of relate, my partner and I have similar problems. We generally agree on core issues, but we tend to have very different ideas about solutions. They tend to be more passive, while I lean towards a more active stance...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The thing that tends to help us get along, and keep the peace, is giving each other space to be our own people.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're just wired a little different, and that's ok. We try to be patient with each other when we each step up on our soapboxes, listen to each other with some empathy and understanding, and acknowledge where we see eye to eye. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Perhaps most importantly, we try to understand why the other thinks and feels the way they do about things.&lt;/strong&gt; This is likely why we can deeply disagree about certain things and still get along. It's not so much about pulling up facts and polls and studies as much as understanding where the other person is coming from and why they're coming from that direction. I know it may seem counterintuitive, but sometimes mutual understanding is more important than statistics. After all, &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/7tzfl1wTemM&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;people can come up with statistics to prove anything... Forfty percent of all people know that.&quot;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-03-03T01:57:04.337" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T01:57:04.337" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11268" CreationDate="2018-03-02T06:13:04.307" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You write &quot;we are both in engineering fields&quot;. Politics is not like engineering and I think that is the problem here.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lots of intelligent and highly educated people have different opinions about politics. There is often no right or wrong (unlike in engineering).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's good if you know each other's opinion and if you like talk about it. But look at it like a question like &lt;strong&gt;&quot;which is your favorite color?&quot;. There is no correct answer.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T06:13:04.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11197" CreationDate="2018-03-02T06:39:29.313" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I joined this community because the answer with the highest upvotes is wrong. I understand there is no universal right or wrong here, but here is an argument from a business/economic perspective that makes the suggestion to learn and speak the local community language professionally a shot in a foot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Computer work is not English Work&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;this is pretty much wrong. If you work in software engineering and speak any language other than English, you have a handicap, often times tremendous, and sometimes fatal to your career and paycheck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, everyone wants to believe Computer work is not English Work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dig deeper: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Everyone wants to believe their language is not inferior to English&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;language&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence the problem. They dislike you because you have an advantage over them and this advantage is not perceived to be due to your efforts, but due to luck: societies that speak English have accumulated overwhelmingly greater economic power and you were born into one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best course of action: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stick to people who treat you well, want to learn from you, and catch up with you. Ideally someone who will also teach you something that is worth your time learning.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Minimize your interactions with people who dislike you and drag you down.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing more you can do. Do not try to convince those who dislike you speaking English of anything, it's a waste of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A personal detour: I often get hateful treatment for speaking English, then I tell them that English is not my first language, not the second either. Then they get depressed and I feel like I would rather have them dislike me a bit than make them deeply sad inside. Still I speak English regardless of their attitude because my paycheck, skills, and career depend on it. I've been in this situation many time myself for many years and got dragged down a lot by adapting to local languages despite its economic inefficiencies. And oh boy I paid for it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might be turning this answer into too long to read, but I have to clarify a few important criteria here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though the apparent issue in question is interpersonal relationship, it is greater than that. It is about money and a lot of it. About pay inequality, about one language giving more opportunities than the other to the worker, to their family, their children, adding up over the lifetime. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you communicate in a language that is inferior in that particular business, you will suffer opportunity cost. Less pay in the long run, that is. Focus on mastering another language instead of doing something else. Instead of just learning basics of it and spending your time mastering new or superior technologies in the language of the community they were created in (English for software that is).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The line is not easy to see when comparing English to German or Japanese for example. Compare it to a language of any low income country and the point will become much clearer. The pay discount for speaking a low income country language will be huge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Language is not a race that people cannot change. It is something that can be learned but at a great cost. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no absolute right/wrong when it comes to personal preferences, but it is wrong from economic perspective for somebody to drag down a more productive colleague over their sense of unfairness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The the solution is just to avoid such interaction, keep your pay secret from your local colleagues if you can and do not make it obvious that you can accomplish as much or more with less effort speaking just English. I would recommend reading &lt;a href=&quot;https://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=The+fair+wage-effort+hypothesis+and+unemployment&amp;amp;btnG=&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The fair wage-effort hypothesis and unemployment&lt;/a&gt; paper by Janet Yellen, former FED chair. It is a pay-effort issue at its core and you should treat it as such with all the seriousness it demands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13622" LastEditorUserId="13622" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T09:15:45.537" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T09:15:45.537" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-03-02T07:52:25.027" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most answers say &quot;don't&quot;, and they are not wrong. But OP mentions&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've seen each other - and smiled at each other - for a few weeks&#xA;  now. The vibes feel pretty good,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to provide a &quot;do&quot; answer, backed by my personal experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some day, I was in a happy mood and smiled at many strangers while commuting. One girl caught my eye because she smiled back genuinely. You could have interpreted the rest of her behaviour as discouraging: She sat quite far away in the train, was wearing headphones, only made eye contact few times. So I left her alone.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Over the next half year, we happened to see each other again while commuting. Always quite far away from each other, but always she would smile back or even be the first to smile at me. I started wondering if she's one of the few people who smile back or if I might even know her and don't remember her. So I went to ask.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The moment I walked up to her, she ripped her headphones out, gave me her hand and told me her name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From this experience, I argue that it's always worth a try if &quot;the vibes feel pretty good&quot;. However, make sure you're not creepy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't corner her. I chatted her up at the train station, so she could easily have just walked away into a different wagon.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure she sees you coming so she is not surprised.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have some reason why you talk to her. She might not have meant smiling as a signal, just as being polite. If this is the case, she would possibly be confused what you want from her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe it's a cultural thing that most answers say &quot;don't&quot;, but I've had also a few other conversations with (mostly female) other passengers that they seemed to have enjoyed as well. Usually though, they just happened - e.g. because I was unsure where the tram was going and thus asked the girl next to me (even though again, she was wearing headphones).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just make sure to look at other signs as well though. Headphones alone just mean she prefers listening to music. She can still take them out if she wants to. Conversely, they could also be there because she doesn't like to talk.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Does she smile? Does she look too tired to have a conversation? Is she being productive and probably doesn't want to be disturbed? Etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you say that she seems productive, make sure to give her an easy way out. Maybe just ask her if she'd like to talk or prefer to not be disturbed. You can then back out, maybe offer her to chat you up next time if she feels like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2061" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T07:52:25.027" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11268" CreationDate="2018-03-02T08:06:00.653" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had this same exact problem in multiple past relationships and the solution that worked for me every time was to listen more than speak. And when I say listen, I mean &lt;em&gt;really listen&lt;/em&gt;, don't just wait for your turn to speak. Show that you are listening by repeating things she says but slightly re-worded -- if she says, &quot;I think it's an important issue because it affects all of us,&quot; then say, &quot;So you feel it's something we all have to deal with?&quot; or something to that effect. Typically, people want to make sure they are understood, which is why they continually argue. And here is the kicker: don't &lt;em&gt;ever&lt;/em&gt; share your point of view in that discussion, focus solely on hers, let her get it out of her system. Eventually, if she really cares about your point of view, she will ask for it and return the favor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13624" LastEditorUserId="13624" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T08:29:12.297" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T08:29:12.297" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11267" CreationDate="2018-03-02T08:11:48.367" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife has this problem. She simply wipes her hands before shaking and tries not to worry about what the other person is thinking. If they like you as a person, they'll find clammy hands to be trivial, and worrying about it probably makes the clamminess worse. Just accept that this is how your hands are and how your body works and you do your best but you're not perfect. Cool people won't care about it at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13624" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T08:11:48.367" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11275" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11226" CreationDate="2018-03-02T08:17:21.927" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are so many great graphic designers looking for jobs that it really doesn't make sense to hire someone just because you are friends and happen to like his work. I'm sure there is someone else with great work and similar rates you could hire. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also incredibly unfair of you to continue to pursue this course of action when he already declined. You're not respecting his boundaries of friendship and before you ever actually work together you could lose him as a friend simply because he's tired of you asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking from experience, you should shelve this idea unless and until he comes to you on his own. You already asked, he said no, ball is in his court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13624" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T08:17:21.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11157" CreationDate="2018-03-02T08:41:42.013" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may sound cold, but you absolutely should consider the fact that, regardless of his mental health condition and your friendship, you are paying for your education and your grades matter way more than he does. The very first thing you should do is &lt;strong&gt;speak to your professor about an extension&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People always want to do &quot;the right thing&quot; and help those in need, especially those they care about, but he also has a responsibility to you. Part of depression (and I'm speaking as someone who has suffered severe depression their whole life) is self pity. While there may be biological factors beyond this person's control that are causing him to act this way, he still has free will and still carries personal responsibility to both himself and others. If he is going to hurt your ability to succeed for his own selfish reasons, even if it's seemingly beyond his control, then perhaps he's not that great of a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this is the sort of thing his therapist should be working on with him, not you. I would be supportive of him, and if you can get an extension on your project so that you, or both of you, can finish it and turn it in, then you can focus on him once the project is done. But until then, he's actually hurting you for his own (non)benefit, and that is extremely unfair to you. Your education is the most important thing right now, nothing else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13624" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T08:41:42.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11267" CreationDate="2018-03-02T08:48:59.600" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;Shake hands more firmly.  From experience, a loose and clammy handshake is more memorable (negatively) than a firm handshake (of whatever state of clamminess).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't recall any firm handshakes I've had in the past and thinking &quot;oooh, clammy&quot; afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also try other ways of de-clamming (odour free antiperspirant, alcohol hand wipes, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1722" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T13:45:10.837" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T13:45:10.837" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11267" CreationDate="2018-03-02T09:04:12.890" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this problem. Everyone sitting around me knows this because it's really bad - I sometimes need to wipe my keyboard when using it for a long time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always, always wipe my hands before shaking, it really just takes a moment.  I sometimes even smile at them as I wipe my hands and say 'Sorry, sweaty palms'. The person who I'm shaking hands with would also get that moment to understand my problem and prepare themselves for a cold hand shake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T09:04:12.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11197" CreationDate="2018-03-02T09:52:08.110" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;German dev here, trying my best to answer your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to tell these kind of people to explain in English instead of&#xA;German, without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some answers mentioned rephrasing what you understood. This is good advice! If you start with some german you are also showing effort in fitting in. Try something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Verzeihung, wenn ich richtig verstanden habe, geht es darum:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which roughly translates to &amp;quot;Excuse me, if I got things right the issue is:&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then proceed in english.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Entschuldigung, ich konnte nicht allem folgen. Würden Sie bitte die wichtigen Punkte in Englisch wiederholen?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Sorry, I couldn't catch up. Would you repeat the the bullet points in english, please?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I turn the conversation to English without facing racist answers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is no policy enforcing english as a company language your colleagues are doing you a favour when they switch from german. Best way to achieve this without causing friction is having them turn to english instead of you actively pushing them to it. By maintaining a good relationship with them they are more likely to include you in their discussions.&#xA;What you can do to achieve this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try using german as much as possible, even if it's just little phrases. Most people are happy when they see you trying to fit in and will return the favour. A single &amp;quot;Guten Morgen&amp;quot; (good morning), &amp;quot;Na, wie geht's? / Na, alles klar?&amp;quot; (How you doin') now and then should help getting things started.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you cannot get everyones approval, try having good (and strong) relations with few colleagues you are closely working with. If they are smart, they will switch the conversation for you and others will follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;HR / Manager is the Ultima Ratio. Things are most likely going downhill from here, your colleagues might change their behaviour on the surface but there is risk of you isolating yourself for calling them out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&#xA;In addition to 2. don't try implying to these friends that you want them to fight your battles, as unwanted group dynamics could arise from this. Be nice and keep a low profile in this regard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13628" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T14:36:37.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="545" CreationDate="2018-03-02T10:08:59.453" Score="-4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who dances socially every week, in that situation I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm a bit tired right now but I'd love a chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They can then choose to chat with you if they want, or they'll find other people to dance with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone asks you to dance, they're asking you to be responsible for their safety. You have to be able to watch what's behind your partner so no-one walks into your space, but if I'm tired and they stumble over something and break an arm, I would feel that's my fault for not turning down the dance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever the real reason is for turning down a dance is your business, no one can force you to dance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13620" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T13:56:04.657" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T13:56:04.657" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11283" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11289" CreationDate="2018-03-02T10:35:38.083" Score="46" ViewCount="20296" Body="&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend (been together 4 years) will always respond with &quot;I didn't mean to!&quot;, when someone points out to him he did something wrong. It always sounds slightly accusatory when he says it, like he wants to say: &quot;I'm only human, stop blaming me!&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples: He stepped on my bare foot with his boot. I said a genuine &quot;ouch&quot;, because it hurt quite a bit. His reponse: &quot;I didn't mean to!&quot; Another time, he was asking me for photography tips. He was taking a photo and I heard his shutter time was too long to use without a tripod, which results in blurry photos. I gave him some feedback on shutter times, to which he responded again: &quot;I didn't mean to!&quot; A different time, he went to get take-out and got us something extra that I really like. I said, happily, &quot;Oh, you got X!&quot; He: &quot;I didn't mean to!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He doesn't just do it to me. He does this nearly every time someone points out he did something. In some cases, I feel an apology is more warranted, like with stepping on the foot, in other cases, just an &quot;okay&quot;, would be enough, like with the photo. In even different cases, I feel the response is completely out of place. I think this response may be partially my and my mother's fault. He'd previously say &quot;sorry&quot; in similar situations, but we would often tell him to &quot;stop saying sorry for everything&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His reaction feels off to me. I'm an aspie and I don't always 'feel' people as well as others, but I can tell his reaction is at least different from the norm. It confuses me and I don't know how to respond to it. He is not diagnosed with any form of autism, but he shows some traits. He is aware of that. Note: I am 100% certain that it isn't some kind of joke or meme. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The outcome I desire:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems the problem stems from deeply rooted anxiety. I would like him to stop apologising (saying &quot;I didn't mean to&quot;), for every single thing, especially if not relevant. How can I help him realize that he doesn't need to? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I've tried&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have mentioned to him that I think his response was unnecessary before, but his response to that was, ironically, &quot;I didn't mean to!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update: I’m not overly annoyed by his answer. I want to help him with it though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="12101" LastEditDate="2018-03-04T21:17:08.897" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T13:35:19.480" Title="Boyfriend always responds &quot;I didn't mean to&quot; when he gets feedback" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-03-09T06:41:54.763" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11267" CreationDate="2018-03-02T10:46:44.660" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In less formal situations, how about doing a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fist_bump&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;fist bump&quot;&gt;fist bump&lt;/a&gt; or some other variant? As a bonus, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fist_bump#cite_note-11&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;one study has recommended that the fist bump be adopted as a more hygienic alternative to greetings such as the handshake or high five&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional explanation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your apprehension might exacerbate the effect, creating a positive feedback loop. A fist bump avoids palm contact altogether, possibly also improving your anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Switching to a fist bump is faster than wiping your hands beforehand (sorry for the pun) — especially considering you sometimes have to greet someone with very short notice. It happens quicker and, a side-benefit, the firmness of the handshake is of no concern anymore. Plus, you can't really do a lingering fist bump.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When appropriate, I feel a fist bump also can further lower the formalness of a situation which can in turn favorably curtail any status/social difference. Besides, they might also have clammy hands and you're doing both of yourselves a favor!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For most of the reasons above, I'm personally using this approach as well as when I must greet someone while my hands are dirty/wet from some manual work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8799" LastEditorUserId="8799" LastEditDate="2018-03-03T07:59:48.123" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T07:59:48.123" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11157" CreationDate="2018-03-02T10:57:23.997" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer depends on the cause of the depression &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the depression of your friend is linked to him being unable to meet the academic requirements it will damage you and him if you try to make the final project a joint effort. You should just do it alone!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the depression of your friend is not linked to the academic requirements then you should not try to solve this problem alone. First talk to your friend. Make clear that you care about him but also that you don't want to jeopardize your own progress. Propose a meeting with your friend and your professor to discuss the problem. Try to go for an arrangement that allows the two of you succeeding in time AND agree upon a plan B that allows for you to succeed alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your friends is not able to keep himself to the schedule, don't become angry or upset. Just discuss this fact with your professor and friend and go for Plan B. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This whole setup will costs some extra time, however due to the transparency it will keep the relation with both your friend and also the professor open and clean and allowing for a possible preservation of a good friendship without sacrificing yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sacrificing yourself will certainly damage the friendship and In my opinion may aggravate the depression of your friend. He might start to think: &quot;I'm no good, I even s.... up the education of my best friend”!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also remind your friend that most therapists will demand an active participation of him in his own recovery. So an active mind set and physical exercises will be part of most therapies. So trying to engage himself in the final project may even help him to overcome his depression...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13633" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T10:57:23.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11226" CreationDate="2018-03-02T11:35:07.113" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who did some design work for me. Though he didn't necessarily get paid for it but that was due to me not having any money at all at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, if you really want him to make something for you it should go a bit like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will pay you X amount of money for this kind of design on this&#xA;  project and what I want is exactly this. We should put it on a paper&#xA;  and sign a work contract so that the details can't change too much&#xA;  later on. Also, I agree to leave the design to you and not try to&#xA;  tweak it, at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still doesn't want to do the job, then you can assume that he has a principle on this matter and won't work with friends professionally. You should consider the matter settled and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2169" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T11:35:07.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11289" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11283" CreationDate="2018-03-02T11:39:11.197" Score="94" Body="&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I didn't mean to&amp;quot; is a one-fits-all, automatic answer, akin to the &amp;quot;sorry&amp;quot; he was saying before. It's a sort of automatic protection. For what you tell, it looks like he's a &lt;strong&gt;very anxious person&lt;/strong&gt;. One of my best friends is like that: when I make even some mild remark (like &amp;quot;would you mind closing the window? I'm a bit cold&amp;quot;) she always tells &amp;quot;Sorry&amp;quot; with a worried look on her face, even repeating it multiple times in a row (&amp;quot;Oh sorry, I'll close it right away, sorrysorrysorry&amp;quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With her I follow the following pattern: I use &lt;strong&gt;irony&lt;/strong&gt; to remark that she's overdoing it (&amp;quot;No, I shall never forgive you for this incredible draught insult! Nor even my children and my grandchildren shall do!&amp;quot;) and, after making her laugh or at least smile, I &lt;strong&gt;reassure&lt;/strong&gt; her right afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try this approach with him. Also, to make him conscious of the &lt;em&gt;meaning&lt;/em&gt; of what he's saying, tell him something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;steps on your bare foot&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Ouch!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him&lt;/strong&gt;: I didn't mean to!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Well, it'd be really strange if you meant it! &lt;em&gt;laughter/smile&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;It's not a big deal.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;sets a long shutter time&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: You know, you set a very long shutter time, your photos will be blurry if you don't use a tripod.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him&lt;/strong&gt;: I didn't mean to!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Well, either you did mean to set that shutter time, or your camera is controlling your mind. &lt;em&gt;laughter/smile&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You're doing well, actually. Each mistake teaches you something, doesn't it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Model the degree of irony according to his personality; if you deem fit, avoid this at all. Ultimately, the important part is to try to convey the message that &lt;strong&gt;it's okay not to be perfect&lt;/strong&gt;. We all make mistakes, nobody sets standards so high as to be offended by someone stepping on one's toe. It's in the nature of the mistake not to be intentional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, don't expect him to change his behaviour right away. He might even not change at all. Anxiety issues often have deep roots and take time to overcome. Your best bet is to &lt;strong&gt;create a welcoming setting&lt;/strong&gt;. You can also be an example of how to react to a mistake by voluntarily placing yourself in the position of making many: for instance, engage in an activity which &lt;em&gt;you're not proficient in&lt;/em&gt; together with him. &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; will be the one making mistakes then and having to handle them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, it looks like I didn't {whatever the proper action was}. What a pity! &lt;strong&gt;But this way I'll remember it next time. We're here to learn, right?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T13:35:19.480" CommentCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11226" CreationDate="2018-03-02T11:39:13.377" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest next course of action: ask him to suggest someone to do the job. He will request addition details. You should provide it for him. Also you explain how much you willing to pay.&#xA;After all detail is clear he may suggest you to talk to someone (or maybe not).&#xA;Then you casually ask him &quot;how about you? Do you want that job?&quot;.&#xA;You end up with better understanding what you need anyway.&#xA;PS: try to not to waste a lot of his time, but show him that you really want his help, not excuse to ask him again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11825" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T11:39:13.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11283" CreationDate="2018-03-02T12:07:38.923" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have no experience with aspies so take my advice with a grain of salt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What does it mean?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears that the phrase has become some sort of autoresponse for the situation when he did something he wasn't expected to. Best guess would be him just stating he wasn't doing this to upset anyone on purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And what can I do? How can I respond to it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First approach:&#xA;Given you don't just want him to change his response to another phrase that gets repeated on these occasions you might ask him &quot;Well, then what did you mean to?&quot;. Be aware of this might coming off passive-aggressive if you put the wrong tune, but it might get his attention on the issue.&#xA;The intent of this approach is to get a conversation started, where both of you can share their point of view. It is of utmost urgency to have a welcoming, open atmosphere and you are likely to have to listen much more than talk by yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second approach:&#xA;Some men prefer to think(a lot) about a topic before feeling ready to get into a discussion about it, so refrain from pushing the discussion. Just hint an expected timeframe, e.g.&#xA;&quot;Have you noticed you say &quot;I didn't mean to&quot; a lot lately? I don't want to distress you but it's been rubbing me the wrong way. Do you think we could talk about this sometime, maybe in the next two weeks?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13628" LastEditorUserId="13628" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T14:55:55.090" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T14:55:55.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11154" CreationDate="2018-03-02T13:09:15.820" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can give you advice from personal experience with &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; similar circumstances. I'm sure some of it is repeating what others have said, but hopefully it's got a little different viewpoint or is easier to make sense of, since these kinds of things are highly personal and there's no blanket solution that fits everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of your last lines in the post is very revealing about how these situations play out and how you each view it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This morning she was angry once more, and since I wasn't able to tell&#xA;  her anything to relieve her stress, she accused me of being&#xA;  self-centered and to chicken out every time she needs help. I can't&#xA;  say I completely disagree with her on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right there I can tell that she is looking for some sort of validation about the way she feels, and you're reluctant to say anything that could be construed as agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you've got to understand is that &lt;em&gt;acknowledging&lt;/em&gt; how she feels and simply understanding why she feels that way does not necessarily mean you agree with her. You're allowed to disagree. But she's not asking for agreement, she's just basically looking for someone to listen and say &quot;I see why that upsets you.&quot; She has every right to feel the way she feels about things, and whether or not you feel the same is moot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where it gets difficult is if she expects you to take action on something. It's not entirely clear if that's the case here but I imagine it could at least be implied. Once you've acknowledged how she feels and let her vent about her frustrations, if there's still a lingering &quot;So what are you going to do about it&quot;, then things have to be handled a little more on a case-by-case basis. If it's something you can compromise over, do it. If it's something you are strongly opposed to, now is the time to calmly state why you disagree (expect this to potentially cause more frustration, there's nothing you can do about it at that point). She might try to beat down your opposition to whatever she's asking, but you are well within your rights to simply disagree, you don't have to hold your argument up to judicial screening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's where a relationship can be &quot;make-or-break&quot;, is if you two can disagree strongly with each other but still live with it. At this point things can get a whole lot more complicated, far too complicated for this to answer (that would deserve an entirely new question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;tl;dr&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I can tell based on the subtext of your question, &lt;strong&gt;90%&lt;/strong&gt; of what she's looking for is simple validation that she is allowed to feel upset about whatever is going on. Probably only 10% of her frustration has to do with you &lt;em&gt;actually doing something about it&lt;/em&gt;. You sound like you're fairly unresponsive to her complaints because you don't feel the same way she does, but simply acknowledging and understanding her feelings doesn't mean you have to agree with them or take any action to fix the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;In conclusion&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simple phrases like &quot;I hear you&quot; and &quot;I see why that upsets you&quot; go a very long way to helping someone feel that you care about them and their point of view. Start there. Don't try to offer solutions, and &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; don't try to invalidate how she feels. I think that bit of advice alone will vastly improve the situation and make her feel like you actually care. A quick warning though is that even something that simple takes practice, so keep your eyes and ears open and don't expect a miracle right away, but don't give up. It's an incredibly valuable skill to have in life in general, not just in a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T13:09:15.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11267" CreationDate="2018-03-02T14:13:54.963" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to teach a class on job interviews, and we actually covered this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simplest solution is to wipe your hands against your clothes before you shake hands, but make it look like you are doing something else.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example:&lt;/strong&gt;  If you are sitting get up by bracing your hands on your legs, and wipe your hands on your pants.  If you're walking over to someone, pretend to be brushing something off of your shirt, or putting away your cell phone, or whatever else you need to do to make it look like you are not wiping your hands, but wipe your hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T14:13:54.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11283" CreationDate="2018-03-02T14:19:57.193" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;On the positive side &quot;I didn't mean to&quot; is not a denial. Some people never, ever admit to their mistakes. It sounds like he is actually ready and willing to admit to things, which if you think about it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a good trait. He is honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, this reaction is extremely defensive which suggests that he feels your comments are accusations rather than just helpful advice (in the case of the camera incident).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the other instance where he stepped on your foot, I have to say the response seems fairly normal and natural. You see it as an apology, but he is also assuring you that it was not deliberate. I wouldn't see the phrase as odd in this instance, but it seems like he over-uses it so much it has lost its meaning to you, and possibly to him too. It may be more of a Pavlovian response than a sincere remark. This is borne out by the fact he said it in response to you telling him to stop saying it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is the phrase you object to specifically then you could just persist in asking him not to do it - after all, you did this with &quot;sorry&quot; and it worked! But as you can see, one phrase gets replaced with another. This may be a symptom of the autism condition you suspect ,and you may find that if he stops saying &quot;I didn't mean to&quot; he just says something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T14:57:02.090" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T14:57:02.090" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11296" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-02T14:53:54.570" Score="2" ViewCount="330" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also have severe depression, but that doesn't really matter except for the fact that me being annoying makes me feel... not well. Yet I keep doing it, and I currently have one friend, and that one friend has just decided to cut contact with me for a month (long distance, she simply said she isn't answering my texts) because of how I always insult people impulsively, answer people's questions when they aren't asked to me, and correct people for every minor error they make. I've tried to stop my behavior, but it always comes back and although people always regard me as &quot;the smartest person in the room&quot; they only come to me for answers when they've exhausted everyone else in the room. I hate being treated like a personal google search, and I just want people to like me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13642" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T15:43:39.193" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T15:43:39.193" Title="I have bad ADHD and Social Anxiety, and I'm consistently annoying to other people despite it consistently yielding bad results. How do I stop?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-03-02T15:06:59.617" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-02T15:03:46.097" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ordinarily it's best to have open, honest conversations about everything, but in this case you probably don't need to push back, you just need to refuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need your father's permission to make the decision, and you don't need him to agree with it. If you do absolutely nothing, then the situtation will be over and done with in 8 days time (one way or another), so it's just a matter of whether you can do anything now to improve on whatever would happen if you just completely ignore him and do nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said &quot;he was pissed, but accepted my will&quot;. If that was true at the time, it's not true any more, because he hasn't accepted your will, he's messaged you asking for something different. It should be sufficient to message him back (by the same medium he used) to say &quot;no, we've already decided this weeks/months ago, neither of us are inviting our grandparents&quot;. He'll still be pissed, and still won't &lt;em&gt;accept&lt;/em&gt; the situation but he'll have to &lt;em&gt;submit&lt;/em&gt; to your will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you should at least think about any reprisals your father might make. Is he going to ruin the event, is he going to mention it every chance he gets for the rest of his life, etc? I'm not saying you should give in to him, but if you think he might bear a grudge over this then there &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be things you can think of that are worth doing now, beyond just repeating your earlier decision, and that will prevent or at least mitigate his future shenanigans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, he's said it's &quot;just&quot; 2 more people, but if your bookings and your budget don't have room for 2 more people, then 2 is just as impossible as 200. Maybe explaining this to him will make him more accepting that your grandmother simply cannot attend, no matter how many messages he sends. Or maybe engaging with him will make the argument worse -- it really depends on him and on your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1615" LastEditorUserId="1615" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T15:10:41.923" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T15:10:41.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11255" CreationDate="2018-03-02T15:11:10.817" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, having someone (mom, dad, partner, whoever else) who cares for you is a reason to be happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enjoy the situation!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now perhaps you already feel better (basically). Nevertheless you are right, giving your boss' contact out for the given reason is not a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell your dad your boss may not like the idea of having his contact information spread around.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Think about how often your boss could be asked if you are still alive - stay with &quot;no Dad, sorry&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm even uncomfy telling others my work number. Private contacts can and have to wait until I can look at my mobile phone. There is no need to call me and maybe occupy colleagues when I'm not available.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The GPS thing sounds funny. Until you are asked why you are at [place] at [time]. You don't want that. Better don't mention that your phone being somewhere doesn't imply you are ok or you are even there too.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your GPS idea doesn't take away the need to explain yourself. If not to your dad then to the authorities. It may sound more exciting but I suggest to spend your money elsewhere and directly talk to your dad.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The last thing a son or daughter wants to hear on the phone is &quot;oh you call me so rarely&quot;. Ironically exactly this could be a reason for sons and daughters to call not so often.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Explain to your dad that the situation need to stay acceptable for both of you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On the other hand it's your dad so why not respond from time to time? If only it's an email or sms, you don't have to compose your whole vita again and again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make your dad aware that he shouldn't query your condition every hour. As apaul said, this must not be obligatory for you. Maybe your Dad just needs some time to get used to the situation, then he will become more relaxed with it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is it a good idea to give friends' contact to your dad? Guess what happens when you don't respond to him. I think this is not a good start with new friends to be asked to look after you. You will tell your dad you are fine and he should stop bothering your friends. Then better only tell him you are fine.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Isn't it better to give them your dad's contact and tell him there are people in your life that take care of you and he will be informed if something has happened?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T15:11:10.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11300" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11306" CreationDate="2018-03-02T15:48:44.547" Score="62" ViewCount="19355" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some things I love doing with my friends that I know they cannot afford to do on a regular basis. In particular, I love going out for a big sushi dinner every once in a while. This type of meal is often cost prohibitive for my &quot;big eater&quot; friends as a single roll/order of sushi can often be $10 for something that isn't particularly filling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, being the friend I am who also loves to spend time and eat with my friends, I often offer to treat my friends to the meal. However, this usually creates a bit of friction between me and a few of my friends who are averse to being treated. Responses are usually things like &quot;Oh you don't have to&quot; followed by them not wanting to go, them begrudgingly agreeing, or thinking they'll &quot;owe me one&quot;. From one friend in particular, I feel as if he thinks this is a way of me asserting a form of financial dominance over my friends which is far from the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference, during the dinner, there is zero tension from what I can tell and most people feel a lot more free to order what they want and try new things; it seems to be a genuinely fun experience for everyone once the whole cost aspect is gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I usually (attempt to) treat my friends to something like this once every two months or so. Between these dinners, we often get together to do inexpensive things that everyone can afford to do frequently, so it's not like this is the only thing we do together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I've phrased this event as a celebration when I can (&quot;Let's go out and celebrate your new job, Chadsworth! Sushi's on me!&quot;) and it's worked fine. However, it'd be pretty obvious if I always found an excuse to make it a celebration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I offer my friends this, I do this in a rather casual, no pressure way. I simply send them a group message (not as part of an existing group chat, a new one) saying something along the lines of &quot;Hey guys, want to grab sushi on Friday? My treat.&quot; I don't pressure them to go or badger them about not wanting to go. Their sometimes negative reactions are either immediately upon receiving the request or based on something else someone said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, for reference, although I'm usually the only one in my friend group who typically offers to treat people to anything, that doesn't mean the dynamic of me within my friend group is that of the giver (me) and the takers (my friends). My friends do their own nice things fairly often that I cannot do such as hosting events at their home (which I cannot do) or offering to give rides to people (such as myself) frequently. This is one way that I do like to give back to my friends and I'd like them to interpret this in the same way that they'd interpret getting a ride or having someone host at their house, because that's exactly how I see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I treat my friends to this somewhat expensive (~$200-300 among 3-5 people) dinner and avoid/mitigate awkward interactions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm mostly looking for good ways to pose the event to people and ways to mitigate potential misunderstandings/misgivings over the offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T16:23:13.377" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T23:34:49.780" Title="How do I treat my friends to something without it being awkward?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11283" CreationDate="2018-03-02T15:59:10.247" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;He seems like an anxious person! I have friends who always like to &quot;sorry&quot; this and that.. So naturally, I would have responded &quot;Oh, what's there to be sorry?&quot; - In a way to create the awareness that the person is using this &quot;tagline&quot; often. Maybe he isn't aware that he is frequently using this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bringing to his attention can create (1) awareness - but bring it up naturally with the right intention of helping him to mitigate the use of negative phrases and perhaps you may suggest to him instead of using &quot;I didn't meant to&quot; - (2) Frame his mindset - to something else positive/neutral.. or just simply an &quot;oh!&quot; - depending on the context as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Awareness is important, choice of words is too. With practise, things will sure get better :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13646" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T15:59:10.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11302" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-02T16:04:57.210" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've gone through something very similar, except I was in your friend's shoes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether you like it or not, giving people things builds an expectation that they should offer something in return. Your assurances that they don't owe you anything will probably do little to put their minds at ease, and will in fact only put &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; stress on your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're looking at this situation purely from the position of a benevolent benefactor, as it were, and ignoring the fact that your friends may be feeling forced into accepting your generosity (perhaps by virtue of not wanting to miss out on a group event they could otherwise not afford). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you simply want a night out with your friends, but you may not even realize how you're subconsciously setting yourself up to expect something in return from them. At the risk of sounding dramatic, this is toxic to the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to stop pushing people into situations they don't want to be in, because far from being generous, it's selfish (even if it's only subconscious). You want sushi. You want everyone there. You want those who can't afford it to accept your generosity. It's all about you, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, even though you're just being friendly, and offering to take people out on the town.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By all means, go out for sushi with those who want to tag along. However, if you know that offering to pay for people makes some of them uncomfortable, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;don't do so&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Engage in an activity that everyone can afford, and wish to participate in willingly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually think it's a very valuable lesson to learn: &lt;strong&gt;sometimes generosity goes wrong.&lt;/strong&gt; People are sensitive about money, and it &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; ruin friendships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've actually also been in your shoes, Steve. I work and live in Canada, and travel back home to Romania quite often to visit friends and family. The currency exchange being what it is, I have a lot more disposable income to burn when I go back home, and often wanted to treat friends and family to fancy meals, and extravagant activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found was that it made people uncomfortable, and that although it was OK for me to make a nice gesture here and there (ex: this round of drinks is on me), I had to let people pay for their own meals/tickets/etc., or else they ended up avoiding me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was lucky in that I have very good friends who bluntly expressed this to me, as well as my previous personal experience to draw from and stop me from going that little bit too far. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T16:57:35.927" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T16:57:35.927" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-02T16:14:46.857" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;People (all of us) value money differently. E.g. I see $10 for sushi as an OK price, while Person B feels that $10 is far too expensive for a plate of sushi. &#xA;And also eyeryone has a unique set of values. Sometimes, our value system tells us it's wrong to always take a person for granted just because the person is generous. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could suggest for the eatery and along this lines of &quot;I feel like eating sushi today, would anyone be keen for it? I know one new promotion..&quot; and if people join, then bonus! And if you feel like paying - then pay before anyone elses' does - and if they insisted paying and you feel that it''s ok for you to pay - then just tell them :&quot;let me have the honor to treat you, meal on you the next round&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a way, you can avoid people don't come for obvious reasons, do it subtlely and give a chance for others to treat you the next time. So in a way, people won't feel awkward about it :) Hope my 2 cents worth is helpful&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13646" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T16:14:46.857" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-02T16:15:53.410" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you want to do is make sure your friends do not lose face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always address objections by making it about them allowing you to share your good fortune.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am grateful to my friends for allowing me to share these good times with you, thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for letting me show my appreciation for you, and all the help you've been over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;make it about them doing &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; a favor and you'll have no problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T16:15:53.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11283" CreationDate="2018-03-02T16:31:30.987" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer may not please you, but I'm still going to post it because I feel it is relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may not ever change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm finding myself in your description of the issue there, and even though I'm aware of that issue, I seem unable to change it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm incredibly self-conscious, shy and awkward in the presence of people I don't know. It makes my brain goes through all sorts of hoops when engaging into any kind of interaction when I'm not expecting it, short-circuiting my ability to speak coherently, and makes me default to such nonsense. For instance, I'll open a closed door and someone was about to do the same on the other side, I'll let them pass by holding the door, and say &quot;Sorry!&quot; while doing it. I'm very well aware of the awkwardness of the situation, which actually increases my stress, shutting down my brain even more. However it tends to disappear the better I know the person I'm interacting with, or the more relaxed I am. On the other hand it's quite the opposite when I'm tired, frustrated, angry, which tends to make this issue become more prominent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, as I said I'm aware of the issue, and all my efforts so far have been futile. The best I can do is train myself to learn more appropriate &quot;default&quot; answers and then try my best to use the best default depending on the situation at hand. Not ideal at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is anything like what your boyfriend experience, you may have to be the bigger person and learn to live with that annoyance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12313" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T16:31:30.987" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-02T16:50:26.897" Score="74" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in your friends' position.  The way the benevolent benefactor made me feel comfortable was to &lt;em&gt;set bounds&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider it from your friends' point of view.  &quot;He's invited me, but I know this stuff is expensive.  I don't want to be a burden and then find out he thinks I overshot, me being a 'big eater' and all.  Is it safe to get that dragon roll after I've already had three other rolls?  The eel looks good but it's pricy; maybe I should get the salmon instead...&quot;  Your generosity places an unintended burden on the recipients, which adds stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately, you're going out for &lt;em&gt;sushi&lt;/em&gt;.  Every sushi place I've ever been to has had the large menu item intended for multiple people.  So you can say to your friends: &quot;I want to try out their sushi boat; will you help me eat it?&quot;  You've established up front &lt;em&gt;how much&lt;/em&gt; you're offering to pay, so they don't have to angst over menu choices, and casting it as a &lt;em&gt;request that they help you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't been on either side of the boat thing, but one person who treated me to a meal I wouldn't have otherwise paid for used this approach: &quot;I'm planning to order the steak and lobster (which was the most expensive thing on the menu).  Please, get whatever you want.&quot;  This allayed concerns that I might, as the guest, overspend the host, which would have felt funny to me.  This was particularly a concern because waiters often start taking orders with a woman, so that would have meant I was going first without knowing what he would order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are in a fortunate position in not having to care about the cost.  I am now too, but from what I've seen and experienced, people who aren't are trying to avoid &quot;taking too much&quot;.  You can help with that by establishing a starting position like I've described.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T16:50:26.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-02T16:50:35.767" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is a thought about how you can treat them without it being awkward. Set yourself up something like a &quot;swear jar&quot; except for good things, like managing to leave work on time, or getting up the first time your alarm clock goes off, or the like. It could be that you put $10 a week in if it was a &quot;good week&quot;, or $10 a day for a &quot;good day&quot;, or $5 every time good thing X happens, or whatever. Tell your friends that you are doing this, not as a big announcement but just as chit chat. Having a pile of actual cash that grows can remind you of how little happinesses pile up, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the jar reaches about half the cost of one of these &quot;nights out&quot; tell everyone that your jar has reached $X which should be able to cover about half the cost of a sushi night. Invite them all to &quot;come help me celebrate 25 Xs&quot; or whatever the amount represents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why will this make things less awkward for your friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the jar of money is already there and needs to be spent now. Declining the invitation will not save you money, as it would when you're going to pay out of your pocket. This is the main part. This money is separate from you now, and you're inviting them to help spend it. It will feel different, really it will.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the jar is a fun thing and you are setting up a fun celebration of your little successes over the past little while&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the jar will get empty and have to fill up again, so that will naturally limit the pace at which these invitations will happen&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;because the jar can only pay some fraction of the bill, they will still be paying something - perhaps what they would have paid at a less expensive restaurant. Everyone likes to contribute.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time, you can tweak both the rate at which you put money into the jar and the fraction of the night out that the jar covers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also put extra into the jar when someone does you a favour. You don't have to make it transactional, but if someone gives you a ride, you could add another $5 or $10 or whatever you're adding and even tell them that all the friends will soon be celebrating a full jar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T16:50:35.767" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11268" CreationDate="2018-03-02T17:09:00.100" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When having these kinds of discussions, it's important to find &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; why you disagree with someone else. Find the &quot;un-provable assumption&quot; that your argument relies on and that the argument of your &quot;adversary&quot; relies on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You then need to understand that fundamentally each of you might believe something completely different for un-explainable reasons and that you can't change those core beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; change how they interpret those beliefs. That's where the good, healthy discussion/debate comes from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can provide piles of statistics, articles, journals, books, or whatever but more often than not they rely on those same fundamental beliefs that you have but your partner does not. That's why often just citing articles is ineffective in a personal debate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, focus on &quot;why&quot; they believe that. Unwind the logic behind it and talk about that. Have a back and forth about it. Agree with them when it'd make sense for them to believe that given their beliefs. Disagree when there's a contradiction and talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T17:09:00.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11283" CreationDate="2018-03-02T18:00:14.027" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the answers to date suggest variations on how you respond each time he says this.  As a person who it a recovering habitual-apologiser I think this just creates more tension between you and creates seeding points for disagreements between you. While you may be frustrated by each individual occurrence, it is the behaviour as a whole which is the problem and it won’t be solved by picking at the symptoms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You told him to stop apologising all the time and he managed to change the script to denial instead. The &lt;em&gt;expression&lt;/em&gt; of the behaviour changed a little, but the behaviour stayed the same. &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; got the additional stress of a new annoying behaviour to deal with and &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; got the stress of having to try and mask/change the behaviour while knowing he was being annoying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both got more stress and nobody felt things got any better, it was a lose/lose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two sides to this coin to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He does a predictable thing &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are irritated by the predictability of the thing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A key thing is to understand that ingrained behaviours are very hard to change and that being asked to change them on what seems like a capricious whim of someone else feels like you get all the work for their pleasure, so they win and you lose. So try to explain that just like he finds it hard not to use these phrases, you find it hard not to be irritated by them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore I suggest that you find a time to discuss it with him &lt;em&gt;as a problem you share&lt;/em&gt;, rather than as a faulty behaviour he exhibits. But try not to make a huge drama out of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look out for a time when the pair of you (and try to leave your mother out of this for now) are otherwise quite relaxed, not rushing anywhere or trying to do three things at once and &lt;em&gt;when he says the offending phrase&lt;/em&gt;, don’t tell him not to or laugh at him for it but say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I really appreciated that you tried so hard to stop&#xA;  apologising when we told you about it, but it seems that all we did&#xA;  was make you always is deny everything instead, so you had all the&#xA;  stress of trying not to apologise and I’m still as frustrated as ever,&#xA;  only now I’ve made you feel bad too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This raises the issue, acknowledges his effort and expresses it as concern for him rather than frustration or anger. Then, depending how he responds, you can try and explain &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; is annoying about it, which might be something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you used to apologise I always thought you were blaming yourself for things you didn't need to, but now I always feel as if you think I’m accusing you of something. I think we’re making each other feel bad for no reason and I don’t know how we stop. What do you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives him some idea of your frustration and invites him to join you in a shared solution. Then, hopefully, you can have a conversation about why he thinks he does it, which might include reassuring you that he doesn’t think you are accusing him, or maybe he does in which case you need to explore that between yourselves. But a shared solution would be a win/win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot single-handedly cure your partner of verbal habits which annoy you, but you can set up a dynamic where he helps you to let go of the irritation and you help him to let go of his stock phrases. I don’t think anyone can tell you just what those strategies will look like, because they will be individual to you and your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something I can strongly recommend though, &lt;em&gt;don’t talk with your mother about how irritating the phrases are&lt;/em&gt;. It isn’t clear that you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; done that, but if you are &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; constantly telling him to change something, he is just going to feel nagged. If you &lt;em&gt;have been&lt;/em&gt; in the bait of discussing it with your mother, all that does is reinforce in each of you the concept that he is wrong to say it and make you both even more sensitised to the issue. So once you have spoken to your boyfriend, perhaps say to your Mother something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;X and I are working on the ‘didn’t mean to thing’ together, but it’s&#xA;  tough for him to have so much focus on it, so let’s take the pressure&#xA;  off and not talk about it for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T18:00:14.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9191" CreationDate="2018-03-02T18:01:47.820" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't focus on &quot;date&quot; vs &quot;friends&quot;, don't broach the subject. There is no bright line you cross over from on to the other. The best (meaning longest lasting, stable, communicative, etc) relationships are based on friendship, which blossoms into romantic love. So my advice is do something with her, i,e. go to a fair, take a hike, play some pool the next time you can arrange to see her. (Hint: maybe do something she's interested and you haven't done). If there's something there, it will spark into a romantic thing, either during that time, or subsequently in texts/calls.  If she doesn't want to hold your hand, or kiss you goodnight, it isn't because she just hasn't gotten the &quot;romance&quot; signal from you, it's because there is no interest in being anything more than friends on her part. I don't mean to sound patronizing, but yes, you are young, you have a lot of experiences to go through and learn from, one of the lessons is unrequited love. It's a hard lesson, but a good one.&#xA;Additionally, she is not a lamp, or a rug, nor is she &quot;perfect girlfriend material&quot; because she is not something you acquire. You have very little idea how she would act in a romantic relationship with you, and therefore not much idea of how compatible you two might be together. As to how this second point relates to your question; Again, stop thinking of it in terms of friends vs. romance, don't put the cart before the horse. If you two wind up spending lots of time together, become romantic, emotionally and physically intimate, etc, then she, most likely, has become your girlfriend. Don't do it the other way around by suddenly classifying your time together as &quot;dates&quot; and then expecting those other things to happen automatically.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13659" LastEditorUserId="13659" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T18:22:13.687" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T18:22:13.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11267" CreationDate="2018-03-02T18:50:16.443" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You feel sometimes embarrassed to shake hands with other people, but your question title says &lt;em&gt;greeting others&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can't you greet people without shaking hands?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to the other answers (focusing on cleaning your hands or preventing them to sweat) my advice is to use alternative greeting forms (which might be culture dependent) like just saying something (&lt;em&gt;hello&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;hi&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;good afternoon&lt;/em&gt;), raising and/or waving your hand, bowing your head, hugging, kissing, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If shaking hands is a must and you want to avoid it without mentioning clammy hands, you could just say say &quot;I´ve got a cold&quot; and do not raise your hands. People will understand that you are doing this to prevent exposing them to germs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4426" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T18:50:16.443" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11255" CreationDate="2018-03-02T19:01:31.390" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It can be scary for a parent to have his/her child go off to a new city, new job, new residence, where that child doesn't know anyone or have any contacts. Besides your phone, your work is the only other thing he has.  However, his request is out of bounds.  The problem seems to be related to his wanting to make sure you are ok, and getting a response in less than &quot;a few days&quot;. So come up with a compromise solution of some sort. Perhaps agree to respond in the same day, or even with a four or six hour period, as long as he doesn't pester you with too many calls. Or agree to chat each day, every other day, whatever, at a certain time for a few minutes, just to check in and allay his concerns. Or perhaps give him some limited access to your social media, so he can see how recently you have posted (so he knows you are alive) if in fact you do post regularly. I have a feeling that once he sees you are ok, that you have found friends and established yourself, that he will back off and give you more space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13659" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T19:01:31.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11283" CreationDate="2018-03-02T19:14:30.580" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I really want to answer this, because it is very common. Much more common that you would think so, and much more important that you'd think so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your boyfriend is in a very defensive position, because probably (as we all) have always been judged and attacked. You are asking to be heard, which also is a very common need. Sadly, in this society, people think that the best thing to do when you are doing something that hurts other people is to punish yourself, when the best thing you can do is to hear the pain you caused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very important that he doesn't hears demands, that he doesn't hear that you are telling he's wrong. It will be very hard to make him hear that you are not blaming. And if he can't hear that he isn't attacking you, remember it is not your fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can hear more about Nonviolent Communication here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LuPCAh9FCc&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LuPCAh9FCc&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13669" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-03-05T12:05:49.303" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T12:05:49.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11318" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-02T19:23:19.103" Score="-1" ViewCount="287" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a roommate, and it seems to me that despite being friendly, he is out for his own, and will gladly use my printer and household machines. One time he tried to screw on a plastic coat hanger on my wooden doors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He probably complains and laughs about me behind my back (he does this even about other people with me). I am starting to incorporate some of these nasty traits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation is very stupid and it's causing me pain. I once asked him to get out, and he changed his tune and said things like &quot;Don't put me in a bad situation in the middle of the semester&quot;. I think he just threatened me in the middle of a facebook conversation saying &quot;There's very few things I can't do&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The guy used my washing machine a few days before, and when I asked him about it, he lied, said he didn't use it and that he washed the clothes himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am stressed about these micro-aggresions in my own flat. How do I deal with him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13434" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T19:47:48.837" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T19:47:48.837" Title="Flatmate stresses me, how do I deal with him?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-03-02T19:51:17.813" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11319" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-02T19:25:30.907" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking, I &lt;em&gt;hate&lt;/em&gt; getting things for free from my friends despite the fact that I enjoy giving gifts if I find something I think one of them will like. What I've found that works to help me (and hopefully your friends) more readily accept freebies is to see it as an exchange. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By exchange I don't mean &quot;I'll get this one, you can cover the next one for me.&quot; You already have material for your exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is one way that I do like to give back to my friends and I'd like them to interpret this in the same way that they'd interpret getting a ride or having someone host at their house, because that's exactly how I see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain this to them with something light-hearted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You guys spend money hosting and driving me, it's just over time. Let me feel like less of a moocher by treating you to some good food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they take more convincing tell them you have something like Kate's answer or a budget specifically for spending on friends/fun (A good thing to have in general).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13666" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T19:25:30.907" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-02T19:32:09.510" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm usually with your friend's position. There are several layers of thinking in these situations, some may or may not apply in your case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;$10 for a single raw fish is outrageous, I've never eaten one yet but I don't like fish especially for bad experience with fish thorns, so even if you may enjoy I will probably pass up those invitations anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;$100 lobster is also outrageous, I never ate one either but that looks like a shrimp and I love shrimp. So I could I give it a try if someone invites me, but won't go to a place like that by myself. I will probably feel guilty if someone keeps inviting me to that over and over.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;$50 steak dinner is still outrageous but I love meat, the ambience, the after coffee. I don't have any problem with multiple invitations for that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing is even with nice steak in a restaurant, I can't stop thinking that if we bought the steak in the supermarket we can do BBQ in my house every weekend of the month. So from my point of view it is better use that money to gather our group four times in the month instead of only once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Now my advice:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You obviously enjoy sushi and probably also enjoy the restaurant ambience. So inviting your group from time to time is ok for me. The open invitation in the chat sound great for me because no pressure. But don't expect everyone to accept the invitation; sometimes you really can't make it so don't read too much into it either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What my group does:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it's a birthday or we haven't seen each other in a while, someone says in the chat &quot;let's go for a dinner to celebrate John's birthday, my treat&quot;. This person chooses the place and makes the arrangements. In this case most people will join because money isn't a factor and we gather to celebrate a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But maybe no one offers to pay and organize the event. Still someone may say &quot;Hey guys we should gather to celebrate John birthday, there is this pizza place with 2x1 promotion&quot;, some people will say they are busy, but we won't judge if they really are or if is the food price the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last option the one I like most and is the one you can apply too. I have a big house (well my parents do) so when we gather in my place and I invite people over I can take care of the food purchase, but then everyone contributes to pay the bill. But sometimes a friend came over from abroad and tell me &quot;Hey let's do a BBQ in your home, I brought the steaks and you take cake of the beverages&quot; and even when everyone knows the food is already paid for people still bring snacks and dessert to share with the rest. So in your case you can bring take out sushi.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10608" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-05T16:29:17.943" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T16:29:17.943" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-02T19:32:29.497" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here in Las Vegas there are lots of times people offer free meals they usually get as &quot;comps&quot; from the casino. A custom that has developed here is that when you are the recipient of a free meal like this you leave the tip for the food server. I am a little charity averse when it comes to free meals at restaurants and this mitigates that some for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you have a friend that is shy about taking the free meal, suggest they can get the tip if they want. I doubt this will help in all cases but may put some of your friends more at ease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-03-03T09:48:32.790" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T09:48:32.790" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11322" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-02T19:43:46.743" Score="9" ViewCount="1327" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some neighborhood kids (3 to 4 children, ages 5-8) who are apparently bored after school and roam the block looking for people and things to play with. They recently found my home as my child is one of the classmates of one of these children, and basically swarmed my yard, taking toys out of the garage and playing (wildly).  We keep our garage door closed even when home, but we were outside this first encounter, and in the future, I will keep the garage closed even when working or playing outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand this is what kids do, to an extent. I was struck by the brazenness with which they assumed all items they could see were available for their own entertainment without asking permission even once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that initial encounter, my house is now one of the regular stops on their trips around the block looking to reduce their boredom, even to the point of knocking on my door to ask if my child can come out and play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know, this is Cosby show material; everyone wants to be a good host to the neighborhood kids. However, they can sometimes be too much to handle. I don't feel comfortable with them playing in my yard unsupervised, so I have to stop whatever I'm working on to keep an eye on them. They've nearly destroyed a few of my child's toys already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a pretty set routine/schedule with my spouse and child, working on homework, cooking dinner, spending family time together, etc., and so the disruption is unsettling to me. I know these kids' names from my child, as they all go to the same school, but I do not know where they live, nor have I met their parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do know they have limits to how far they are allowed to roam, but it seems like they have no other limits. I've told them (honestly), at various times, that my child is doing homework or eating supper, and cannot come out to play, so they hang out in the yard, waiting for him to be done. I have informed them that if none of our family are outside, that my child is not available to play, but if we are outside, there is no problem to play. But despite that, they keep knocking on the door and ringing the doorbell within minutes of being told that the time is not a good one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in Texas, USA in a medium-sized city.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to convince these children that we prefer they play when my family initiates a play time? I don't want to disappoint them or be grumpy or mean. I don't want to upset them such that their parents come find me and express their anger about how I treat their children. I just want to have my quiet home where I can work and play on my own terms, and not having to be a babysitter for children who are poorly behaved around others and who only occasionally heed my instruction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13671" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-03-04T21:35:59.167" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T00:45:31.160" Title="How do I deal with persistent and ill-behaved neighborhood children who are always coming over?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11323" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11318" CreationDate="2018-03-02T19:44:54.980" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like the only way you're going to get anywhere with this guy is by laying down the ground rules &lt;strong&gt;firmly&lt;/strong&gt;.  For how inconsiderate he's being, you're way past dancing around the issue (who screws a hanger into a door?).  Since you're the apartment owner, you have control here (unless he's on the lease, then things can get hairy, or depending on your country's laws on people who live with you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit him down with no one around and lay out the boundaries you'd like to set (don't touch my stuff, etc).  Tell him that if he cannot follow simple boundaries, you'll kick him out.  Don't let him guilt trip you, because that's exactly how an inconsiderate person would act when being confronted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big thing is sticking to your stance and not letting him guilt trip you.  In the meantime, look into what you'd have to do to get him kicked out, because it's likely no matter what you do, this is where its heading and it's best to get the preparations out of the way now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had terrible roommates before, and getting the point across usually involved an ultimatum to get things back on track.  People like your roommate will walk all over you unless you stand up for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8151" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T19:44:54.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11283" CreationDate="2018-03-02T20:02:03.780" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I help him realize that he doesn't need to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question is premature. Before you should ask how to help him realize that he doesn't need to say it, you first have to figure out whether he &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; think he needs to say it. While it's possible that he has a conscious belief that he has to say it, there are quite a few other possibilities, with many different variations, and you should focus on figuring out the cause before trying to come up with a solution. You have several questions that you should consider before trying to change him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why is he doing this?&lt;/strong&gt; Does he think he has to say it? Is this a conscious belief, or an unconscious one? Is there some psychological cause, such as anxiety? Is there a neurological issue, such as Tourette's? Is he consciously aware that he's doing it? Is he consciously aware of &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; he's doing it?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why do you want him to change?&lt;/strong&gt; You should try to take a look at yourself and, as honestly as you can, appraise why you want him to change. Is it because it annoys you? Because you think that he would be better off? Something else?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is it your place to try to get him to change?&lt;/strong&gt; If it's a manifestation of anxiety, then you can focus on making him feel less anxious: compliment him, phrase things with a more positive valence (e.g. instead of just saying &quot;Oh, you got X!&quot;, say &quot;Oh you got X! Nice!&quot;), physical affection, etc. But if you really want to get to the root of this, you are probably going to end up acting in some ways as his therapist. Of course, in a serious relationship, the partners will often help each other through issues, but it should be done carefully. If the two of you are going to work on this, there are serious consent issues: is he going along just to please you, or because he doesn't feel like he has a choice? This is a tricky situation, because ethically, if you start asking him questions about his behavior, you need to make sure that he is giving true consent to that, but to figure out whether he's truly consenting, you need to ask him questions. You need to start out by saying that you want to talk to him about something, and you want to make sure that he feels comfortable talking as much or as little as he wants, and asking him whether he thinks he would be able to let you know if he feels that the conversation is getting uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've laid some consent groundwork (and you should periodically come back and check in with him on this issue), say something like &quot;Are there times when someone mentions something you did, and you start to worry whether they're annoyed at you and want you to apologize?&quot; Have a discussion about the different reason people have for mentioning things another person did, and what assumptions people make about why other people are mentioning those things, etc. Work your way over to discussing his saying &quot;I didn't mean to&quot;. Ask him if he can remember what his feelings about various aspects are (When you say something that prompts this response, what is he feeling about the thing you said? What is he feeling about how he should respond? Etc.) Keep in mind that he likely won't have full access to conscious awareness of these feelings. Once you start getting an idea what the issues are, you can start trying to address them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T20:02:03.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-02T20:59:39.610" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your examples of your friends &amp;quot;giving&amp;quot; are false equivalents, at least as I would see them in my group of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hosting a party at their home: They may supply some food or drink, and clean up, but they aren't spending anywhere near $50 or $70 per person, and everyone that attends brings something that more than matches the cost of their food; in fact my wife and I generally bring something worth about triple what the host spent on our food, and leave it there. That is still a lot of expense for the host, and we are grateful, but we don't feel like they treated us to the whole thing, gratitude is spread amongst others that brought sides and deserts and various forms of alcohol.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There is no &lt;strong&gt;demand&lt;/strong&gt; to bring anything, but if I ask (and most of us do) the host tells me whatever s/he knows is already in full supply. So the party is a community effort, and does not feel like one person is &amp;quot;treating.&amp;quot; And although the host is begging people to take away food at the end lest it go bad, what the guests bring is worth several times what the host provided, which was &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; not even $15 a person in food cost.&lt;br&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A ride: A ride costs an hour or two with a friend, and $5 worth of fuel. It isn't $50 worth of Sushi.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sure many people have no problem with being treated extravagantly, but I personally don't like it. I like to think of my friends as peers, and none of my peers can afford to pay for dinner &lt;strong&gt;double&lt;/strong&gt; what I cannot afford, which is what you do when you pay for yourself &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; me, not to mention &lt;strong&gt;ten times&lt;/strong&gt; what I cannot afford, when you pay for a party of five!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could excuse that for a life-mark party (marriage, graduation, first book published, first movie appearance; less so for a routine anniversary or birthday). On a whim or thin excuse, I would feel uncomfortable, no matter how many rides I gave you. It doesn't feel &amp;quot;peer-worthy&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aren't my financial peer but a financial superior, I feel our interests and concerns are misaligned, even if I don't know how. It creates distance between us, the opposite of friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the restaurant setting, I just don't see a way, outside of life-mark events, that doesn't cause increasing alienation of your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The only half solution I can think of:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take advantage of the parties. Ask if you can bring something for everybody, and spend your money on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps even get a friend to do you a favor by &lt;strong&gt;hosting&lt;/strong&gt; a party at their house, in return for &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; providing the fare including some Sushi as one of the main dishes. Ask everyone to bring a side or something to drink. You appear less like &amp;quot;magnanimous king&amp;quot; and more like a partner in crime, or even anonymous. It is a party at Joe and Karen's house. I'm not sure sushi would keep for that, but it might with a covered tray on ice. If they ask, your excuse is what I use:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a purely selfish motive, I bring what I like most to eat (or drink), so I don't starve! But I've had what I want so dig in, it won't keep forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your friends will mind less, if they feel like you are one of several people that contributed to their meal that night, as opposed to the only one treating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T20:59:39.610" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11327" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11322" CreationDate="2018-03-02T21:35:35.287" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on your end goals, there are a couple ways to deal with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are alright with your child playing with these kids over the long term&lt;/strong&gt;, I would say that you should plan a dinner. Since you said you don't know the parents, ask the kids to ask their parents to come by sometime to meet you. Tell them it's so that you can plan dinner to get to know everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This method could gain your kid some lifelong friends, and make school a WHOLE lot easier to deal with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This will set a ball rolling that will be hard to stop if you decide you don't want your child to associate with these kids (which is a whole other ball of yarn, and the reasons that I would recommend against doing that are too long to get into here), so be sure you can handle opening your family to new people&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This first visit should just a be a nice get together and not to address the issues. Try to get some phone numbers or other points of contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then if the issues arise again, you now can contact the parents directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, talking to parents about problems with their children is very tough and can go very badly, so never get emotion involved. Say things like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Johnny (or whatever) came by today, and it was really nice to see&#xA;  him, but I just wanted you to be aware that he went into my garage and&#xA;  almost broke some of our property. This has happened a few times now,&#xA;  and I just thought you might want to be aware of it. Thanks for&#xA;  listening!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I could see even this backfiring badly, so maybe someone else will come by and give a better script).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you want to just maintain your status quo&lt;/strong&gt;, then you WILL need to talk to the kids and establish clear boundaries. You could start by saying, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey guys, I'm really happy that you want to play with [child's name],&#xA;  but I don't feel comfortable you going onto our property without our&#xA;  permission. If you guys got hurt over here, I would be personally&#xA;  liable, and I would feel &lt;strong&gt;so&lt;/strong&gt; bad. I am worried about your safety,&#xA;  as well as the possibility of my property being damaged. In the&#xA;  future, could you call us to ask if it is alright to come over? Here&#xA;  is my number [hand each kid a paper/card with your name and number].&#xA;  Does that make sense to you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(With the age range, this COULD be a bit too much, and over their heads. I've met kids that would understand this, but you should modify this quote to fit what you know about these kids)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should then &lt;strong&gt;listen&lt;/strong&gt; to their response (the same as you would with an adult).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found that treating children the same as adults makes them WANT to be more responsible to live up to that respect. Not always of course, but far more often than not in my experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, I would recommend getting in touch with the parents. You can contact the school with the names of the children to get this information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Opinions&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Regarding this quote: &quot;I have a pretty set routine/schedule with my spouse and child, working on homework, cooking dinner, spending family time together, etc., and so the disruption is unsettling to me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that &lt;strong&gt;comfort&lt;/strong&gt; is the true opiate of the masses. You are comfortable with the way things are, and now there is a change. Your kid is pretty young, so you should buckle up for MANY more disruptions. Might as well start getting used to it now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would personally just let my kid go out and play with them. Eating times can be very flexible, and homework can be done before or after playing. The long term benefits of making friends and interacting with ones own age group are very important. Of course, you also need clear boundaries and rules for your child. Balancing these two issues can be difficult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not feel bad about disregarding this opinion, only you know what is best for your child (unless we're talking about vaccines, in that case, trust your doctor /rant).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3316" LastEditorDisplayName="user3316" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T21:46:48.217" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T21:46:48.217" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-02T21:38:50.460" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You intended to invite 5 people and ended up with 7 times as many. That makes it pretty clear that the only reason for your problem is that you don't know how to say no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just tell your father &quot;No, I won't do that.&quot; You state no reasons. It's not a negotiation. There's no need to convince him, &lt;strong&gt;all you need to do is inform him, nothing else&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of deciding to inform him that it won't happen, you decided to inform your fiancée that it might happen. That was a bad decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no &quot;&lt;em&gt;my father's decision&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Decisions regarding the wedding are made by you, your fiancée, or by the both of you together - and this decision certainly wasn't made by your fiancée or by the both of you together. You can decide if you are the one who breaks the agreement and upsets your fiancée, or if you are the one who sticks by the agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2018-03-02T21:54:36.363" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T21:54:36.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-02T22:06:26.163" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The simple answer is that you will never find a solution that satisfies every friend. Everyone has different ideas about the rules of reciprocity in socializing, and everyone has different feelings and experiences with wealth, power, etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason that this is not common (at least in Canada, where I'm from) is because there are deep emotional currents attached to wealth, related to status, power, competence, well-being and survival. It is simply impossible to predict and avoid triggering feelings related to these issues in every friend, because you are not a mind reader. Even if you were a mind reader, that would still be insufficient because people often relate to those kinds of issues unconsciously, based on past patterns. Their automatic feelings and responses will often differ from moment to moment based on the state of their own life. Even if people don't have those kinds of issues themselves, they may have experiences in their pasts with people who have 'given freely', and then were forced to participate in power dynamics they didn't enjoy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are messy, complex issues and that is why most people stick to simple reciprocity. No matter how hard you try to avoid it, trying to pay for more than your share of social outings might be noticed by your friends. You can't control their pasts and their feelings, and so you are inherently risking disrupting your social group's dynamic and your friendships. Even if you navigate it all correctly once, or twice, or 100 times, if you ever slip up and do something that appears to the wrong people like you're manipulating them with your money, you may lose friends. Some people will remember and constantly wonder what you are expecting from them, so you will need to consider that in every future interaction with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, there is no guarantee that this will happen either, but it sounds like it kind of already has...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are lots of good ideas in this thread, but I thought that it was worth outlining more clearly the risks and uncertainties associated with attempting to go this direction so that you are fully informed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13686" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T22:06:26.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11157" CreationDate="2018-03-02T22:26:56.590" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a very similar situation and this is what I did about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) I had a sit-down chat with my friend over coffee and explained my concerns and how much I cared about them but that they were interfering with something that meant a lot to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) I asked my friend to make a decision to either shape up until our thing was over (it was an event they committed to and I really depended on them for the event to be a success), or to help me find someone to replace them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if you can replace your friend in this situation, so the answer above about speaking to your professor may be the route to take. If you can ask your friend to go with you when you speak with them, it has the potential to work itself out in that meeting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, I know this is a tough situation. It worked out for me because the friend rallied the muster to finish the event and everything went smoothly, and they even thanked me for motivating them. Maybe the same could happen for you and your friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13689" LastActivityDate="2018-03-02T22:26:56.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11283" CreationDate="2018-03-03T04:09:36.003" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to echo the earlier poster.  I am a chronic sorrier. I have had a couple of people tell me to stop doing that.  In all the cases I've seen of this it stems from abusive parents who blame everything on their children. All you can do at that age is apologize and if it happens often enough it become a reflex.  As a child you don't know any better and you internalize this and it is extremely difficult to stop.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If this behavior bothers you I think this relationship is not for you.  I married another sorry person and we are very happy together because we understand each other.  I think this is something you need to decide whether you want to accept and understand, or if it's something you just can't handle.  I never advise dating with the view you can change someone.  You can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13699" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T04:09:36.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11339" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-03T04:35:17.197" Score="18" ViewCount="21562" Body="&lt;h3&gt;The context&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In February last year I started a new job.  I started the same day and in the same position as another person we'll call Ed.  Our offices are across the hall from one another.  I'm a white woman, he's a black male.  We work in a large office that is Vietnamese owned.  It's a melting pot, but mostly Asian. I like a lot of the people there, and I love the nature of the work I do there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The conflict&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just learned that he has been telling people behind my back for the last year that I was a racist and made racist comments to him.  This is completely fabricated.  Our work areas don't overlap and I did stop having casual conversations with him 10 mos ago because he was always bringing up race issues, which I feel are inappropriate topics of discussion at work. This is one allegation, a year ago, he didn't bring it to management when it happened, it was a combination of his actions in the office and other people's comments that caused it to surface.  There have been no other incidents or claims against me from anyone else in the year I have been there. The HR Director that brought the situation to my attention would not disclose who was involved so I can't be 100% sure of who he made these claims to, but I feel like based on their actions, I have a pretty good sense of at least some of the people he's involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;What I've done so far&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the coworkers I have relationships with, I have told them it's not true, and I could understand why they would be mad at me if they believed it was. They appreciated that, and I feel like those bridges are still there.  If I was in their shoes, I would distance myself as much as possible from this situation, and I believe that's why no one told me about this for a year and I don't fault them for that, even though some of them knew about it from the beginning.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;My question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I recover from this in my workplace?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to stay where I'm at if possible, and would like the situation to be resolved but I feel uncomfortable bringing this up with anyone. I see a couple options, but I'm not sure which strategies might be most effective to resolve the situation, or how best to implement them. For example, would it be productive to address the matter with him directly?  Would it be helpful to say something to coworkers that I've never talked to and that I don't have a relationship, who may have only heard his side of the story?  (With some of these people it would literally be a first conversation.)  I don't want them to have the impression I'm trying to keep this going, I'd like to move past this as quickly as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13699" LastEditorUserId="3738" LastEditDate="2019-03-26T15:48:07.740" LastActivityDate="2019-03-26T15:48:07.740" Title="How can I recover from an accusation of racism at work?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;&lt;prejudice&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11267" CreationDate="2018-03-03T04:36:15.587" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This used to be a big problem for me. At the time I just told people that I had sweaty hands and so I would spare them the handshake. Not a great way to make a first impression though. Wiping your hands doesn't work because they're still clammy and they get sweaty in seconds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It wasn't just handshakes. Playing guitar or bass, my sweaty hands would rust out the strings. Writing on paper, ink would smear all over. Very inconvenient. Dangerous too. When I was a kid on the monkeybars, I slipped off and busted my chin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say all that because you may be able to relate. If so, the following was a life-changer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turns out that it was a medical condition called &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.valleyhealth.com/hyperhidrosiscenter.aspx?id=894&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;palmar hyperhidrosis&lt;/a&gt;. I went in for a surgery called &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.valleyhealth.com/HyperhidrosisCenter.aspx?id=8656&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Endoscopic Thoracic Sympathectomy&lt;/a&gt;. Basic outpatient procedure and sweaty hands were gone forever. It was about 20 years ago and I'd mostly forgotten about that aspect of my life until reading this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. Write back if you do it. Would love to hear about the difference it makes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4304" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T04:36:15.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-03T04:41:03.440" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two strategies I’ve seen work are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer to pay the bill &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; the meal. Your friends would have been prepared to pay their share, but having you swoop in and offer to treat them feels nice, they won’t feel like they’ve gone to this restaurant only at your invitation, and they can individually turn you down if they really want to. Sometimes people will make a counteroffer instead — “only if you let me pay for dessert!” — which would probably be fine, too.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I’ve known people who organize large group outings to offer to buy a particular course (“first round of drinks is on me!”, or buying pizzas for the table leaving everybody to pay for salads and drinks) or to pay an outsized amount (e.g. when a bill of 200$ for five people comes in, they will cover 100$ and let everybody else split the remainder). I think this shows willingness to be generous while acknowledging that you aren’t rich enough to cover everything, and may feel less like charity than another approach.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4182" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T04:41:03.440" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11165" CreationDate="2018-03-03T07:04:10.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I disagree with the previous posts, and I support you for your willingness to be open and honest with a potential life partner.  I do think a discussion is in order, but I don't think it has to be scary or overly negative.  It could be something like - &#xA;I really see a lot of potential for us in the future, and I am so happy to have met you.  You deserve the best, and I want to give you that.  For that reason, I want to let you know that I do have some concerns, about myself, and I am working on them to be that person you deserve.  Are you familiar at all with the term &quot;codependency&quot;? (if not, explain in simplest terms)  Sometimes I feel like I might act in codependent ways that may impact the relationship.  It's something that I'm trying to move away from.  So it would really help me if you feel like I'm not giving you your personal space, or not being independent enough - just tell me &quot;codependent&quot; (or insert cutesy word here) and that will signal me to back off.  Is that something you think you could do for me?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as explaining what codependency is, that is harder.  How about - Codependency has to do with loosing a sense of your separate self when you're in a relationship.  It can take the form of not wanting to do things or make decisions without your &quot;other half&quot;, or it can be an extreme empathy where I feel the same feelings you're feeling regardless of experience.  In healthy relationships people can feel good about having time to be their independent selves, as well as appreciating the time they spend together. They don't always feel the same way about a situation and are free to assert their own separate viewpoint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are wonderful relationships, but there is no such thing perfect relationship, and there's no person out there without flaws.  Go easy on yourself and I hope everything works out for you.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13699" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T07:04:10.773" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-03T07:57:53.390" Score="-1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I push my father's decision back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Appease him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him that your decisions are made, even if they are the wrong decisions.  There was a time when the possibility of persuasion could have altered the plans.  That time is over.  Making the change of adding family members will worsen the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, make up for it, by doing something else/extra.  Have a wider family-wide party.  (And, that can be from just your side, not heavily utilizing both sides.  You can have another party for your spouses' side.)  This way, you demonstrate that you are willing to perform an action that can help appease family members.  If they want to be involved, they can.  Having such a party may be a better use of an otherwise-unexciting weekend anyway.  And, if you can finagle the details successfully, you may even be able to get your father to help pay for this family event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, your father gets what he wants (inclusion of your grandmother), and you get what you want (having your wedding the way you want).  Maybe you want your father to be happier, and maybe your father wants to appease your grandmother by being included in the magical moment called the wedding, but you don't all get to always have everything go exactly the way you want it.  Still, you can settle for some &quot;more decent&quot; results that may be more readily achievable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you show some level of compromise, the worst case is that they will realize that you didn't stubbornly insist on selfishly completely ignoring the desires of others.  That might not thrill your father who may hope/wish for a higher standard, but perhaps that is all he's doing to be offered.  This is a reality that he will just have to accept/endure, as will you, so the best thing for you is to at least realize this sooner rather than later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a broader generalization, if you can't/won't (don't want to) offer something that someone wants, try to understand what their motivation is, and see if you can find a way to appease them (possibly by finding another, more negotiable way to address their motivation).  That can often work wonders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T07:57:53.390" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-03-03T07:59:36.080" Score="5" Body="&lt;h2&gt;First, a little frame shifting&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to court her.  Assenting to courtship is an act of &lt;em&gt;whimsy&lt;/em&gt;.   What are the prerequisites of whimsy? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I must disclose agenda: I want a world where women are inherently safe and empowered.  Hardly altruism; that works in mens' favor too.  Point is, right now they don't, and men &quot;doing our usual&quot; isn't going to move the needle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to the prerequisites of &lt;strong&gt;whimsy&lt;/strong&gt;.  As it happens, &lt;strong&gt;safe&lt;/strong&gt; is the first one. Can't be whimsical if you're worried about life or food or shelter or someone who seems a threat.   You can guess &lt;strong&gt;empowered&lt;/strong&gt; is too, but there's a third: &lt;strong&gt;ability&lt;/strong&gt;. If she can't fit dating into her schedule or budget, if family or social or work issues prevent her (&lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; she date customers?) then nope. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Special issue: when one is working, one has to do ones job or get fired. Worse the job requirements often entail being nice to customers, and definitely engaging customers and remaining at ones post.  That fact can confuse the romantic, so special handling is required. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also a longshot. Probably about a 95% chance she either is already partnered or not looking, for some good reasons you can't override.  On top of all the other overlapping chances of something else being in the way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also good to sanity-check your own motivations.  Make sure you aren't unconsciously seeking self-validation of some kind.  If &quot;no&quot; seems like it would damage, hurt or invalidate you, &lt;em&gt;get to healthcare and work that out&lt;/em&gt;. That is a requirement of the principle of &lt;strong&gt;safe&lt;/strong&gt; -- which also applies to you.  And there's the factor that when men are hurt, they sometimes hurt back. Her having to worry about that violates the principle of &lt;strong&gt;empowered&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it's about whimsy, &lt;strong&gt;the goal here isn't &quot;yes&quot; - the goal here is &quot;why not?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;So we can cross off several wrong approaches&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving away ones phone number is a &lt;strong&gt;safety&lt;/strong&gt; risk for the girl with indeterminate reward - silly to ask. A phone number may be voluntarily given later, but should be asked for by saying &quot;hey, I'd like to stay in touch with you&quot; and let her choose out of the variety of contact methods that exist today.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking while she is serving you as an employee violates &lt;strong&gt;empowered&lt;/strong&gt; because she is effectively cornered: she can't step away, she has to serve you. There's no freedom of motion for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Too direct&lt;/em&gt; an approach also creates a &lt;strong&gt;Huge Awkwardness&lt;/strong&gt; when you visit the shop in the future, as now she must explain her rejection. Awkwardness is the enemy of whimsy.  That may not have occurred to you, but like I say, &quot;men doing our usual&quot; doesn't create any safety or empowerment. &lt;strong&gt;Any approach must provide an easy exit for her&lt;/strong&gt; so there'll be no uncomfortable conversations &lt;em&gt;next time&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, not altruism: it's in our interest; the path to &quot;why not?&quot; isn't found by making her uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The open door&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your hunch is that she does like you, all you really need to do is open a door.  This doesn't require breaking any of these rules, but it requires finesse. Consider a series of improving options. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi. My band's playing at the Speakeasy this Thursday, and I wanted to let you know about it. (gives performance flyer) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;By the way, having this sort of opening is a big reason boys start rock bands.&lt;/em&gt;   Anyway, it doesn't have to be a rock band, it could be a sporting match, play, whatever - just as long as it's a small enough venue (Taylor Swift concert is much too large) and the entry cost isn't too high.  It has to be something any random girl would find enjoyable &lt;em&gt;all by itself&lt;/em&gt; even if you weren't involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But we're still not clear of the problem of putting her on the spot.  She may feel like she has to accept or decline right there. She will expect you, on next visit, to quiz her about &quot;did you come?&quot; or &quot;Did you enjoy it&quot; or even worse, &quot;Where were you?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean, aside from the 95% factor, she may have a prior engagement &lt;em&gt;that night&lt;/em&gt;, so her failure to appear is not even a rejection, and she doesn't want to worry about you feeling like it was.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh sorry, I'm a little distracted, I'm trying to get in the zone.  My band is playing at the Speakeasy Thursday night and it'll be our first performance all year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much better, now we've avoided putting her on the spot, we've just slipped her a little bit of intelligence, with no request whatsoever for her to act.  She might followup with other questions like &quot;what time?&quot; and in that case, don't answer in a way that creates the expectation.  &lt;strong&gt;She will appreciate  you phrasing it in a way that doesn't put her on the spot&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The flaw in this approach is there isn't really an explainable reason for telling her that.  I don't think it'll make her uncomfortable, but there's a finer way still. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Who do I talk to about putting something on the store's bulletin board?  My band is playing at the Speakeasy Thursday night, we're so excited.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fair chance you'll get a &quot;Oh, I'll put it up for you&quot; or &quot;We don't have one, but I'll put it in the staff break room&quot;.  Here, you're just leaving a breadcrumb trail.  If she's interested, she'll follow it unless unable.  And it's low-impact enough you can do something like it several times without any appearance of being creepy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T07:59:36.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-03T08:05:26.377" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It all boils down to one question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do you want to have a relationship with those people in the future?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is unclear from your question. You say that you have bad relationship. But then you say that you have large close family. Close as in &quot;relationship close&quot; or &quot;blood close&quot;? Also having bad relationship says nothing about the intent. Do you want to make it better? Or do you want to remove those people from your life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway if you want to have a better relationship with those people then you are not doing the right thing. This will probably be an insult to them, depending on your culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand those people are unwelcome in your life then just stick to your beliefs and be concrete. Don't let people manipulate you. Some people tend to emotionally blackmail others. This is very common among parents and children not following their views. For the sake of mental health I think you should resist that. Be calm, simple, don't let your father drag you into &quot;why? why not? but but but&quot; conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually am in the similar situation at the moment. Except that I have no excuses (which probably is better, I just tell people the harsh truth): I can add those people to my wedding and it won't upset my future-wife. Everything else is pretty much the same including the size of families (which actually is quite amazing how similar these situations are). I've decided not to include my father's mother and his brother. He tried to force this on me, including emotional blackmail like &quot;this is not only insult for them but for me as well&quot;. I've decided that I don't want this kind of people around me in my life. I would not invite my father as well, but well, I guess I'm not strong enough. Yet. :) Anyway I don't regret this. But YMMV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally do not lie to yourself: whatever you chose it will be hard on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13711" LastEditorUserId="13711" LastEditDate="2018-03-03T08:44:07.607" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T08:44:07.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11347" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11348" CreationDate="2018-03-03T09:37:53.093" Score="0" ViewCount="176" Body="&lt;p&gt;What could be a nice birthday message for someone I haven't talked to in a while?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were best friends at school, but, due to the course our lives took later (different colleges, less contact), we sort of drifted apart and haven't talked in a while. It's her birthday in a few days, and I'm not sure what would make for a sweet and short birthday wish; of course, it should be more than just a &lt;em&gt;Happy Birthday, hope you have a great day&lt;/em&gt; - considering that she's been an important part of my life and saying just happy birthday is too cliché. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13714" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T10:52:54.147" Title="A birthday greeting" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-03-03T14:29:38.427" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11348" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11347" CreationDate="2018-03-03T10:52:54.147" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you haven't talked in a while, then &quot;Happy birthday, hope you have a great day&quot; is exactly the sort of message you want to send. You can tack a &quot;How's life&quot; or similar on the end if you want. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's her birthday, and you two haven't spoken recently. Don't put more pressure on the interaction than there needs to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13718" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T10:52:54.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11255" CreationDate="2018-03-03T12:38:15.513" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could try to get him to text. I know a 78 year old that can text on his flip phone! If the issue is safety, Dad can text &quot;OK?&quot; and you can text &quot;Yes&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Set that boundary, if Dad doesn't have a texting phone or can't text he has to learn it, and I've seen pay as you go deals pretty cheap for people that almost never use their phone, some come with a cheap phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If his problem is &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; separation anxiety and missing you, or if the problem is he wants to retain more control of you and your life (&quot;helping you&quot;), you will find that out when he rejects this simple solution, or when he starts texting like mad all the time or demanding more frequent and extensive communications. Just keep responding only to &quot;OK?&quot; with &quot;Yes&quot;, or &quot;Yes but in the middle of something,&quot; and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then he can't claim he is worried about whether you are alive and safe. As for the boss, I'd explain as gently as possible, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Those are my relationships to deal with, I don't want you speaking to my boss or coworkers. I don't want them to ever see me as a child with a daddy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4898" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T12:38:15.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11350" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11354" CreationDate="2018-03-03T13:45:50.647" Score="2" ViewCount="592" Body="&lt;h3&gt;My background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I (18 year old guy) am currently studying computer science in a combined study program (between the semesters I work at a company that in turn pays me salary and my college fees). I really like to help people out with writing programs for them especially if it helps me by offering a creative and &amp;quot;useful&amp;quot; way to get to know new frameworks like bootstrap or libraries etc (I am usually out of ideas for something one could program especially because I don't really use my own programs). So if I see someone mumbling about a program in a chat (twitch for example) I ask if I can help out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Issue background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it recently happened that the friend of a streamer I watch had to deal with an outdated version of a discord bot that will soon get deprecated for Windows while he is running a Windows Server so I offered help because I wanted to try a discord bot library out for a while. We came together and he explained to me what he would liked to have and I told him I would start working on it soon because it sounded like a neat thing to do (musicbot with webinterface and automatic announcement when a streamer goes live on twitch).&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;In a later conversation he asked what I wanted in return for the work I would do for him and I answered that I would leave that to him and I will gladly take what my work is worth to him in the expectation to get a fair return for the time I spend on his program.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The problem:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While having another conversation about more features the bot should have he mentioned that I should give him my PayPal details because my work was worth 5€ for him definitely. Over the last few weeks I spent a good portion of my freetime working on this project and it is currently at the point where it meets his initial requirements and I would consider it done. However he wants more features (like an online control and permission system (including user-accounts)) that would take another 2-3 weeks to implement.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;However after hearing what he thinks my work is worth to him I kind of lost motivation to continue working on it and spending my freetime on it because I could definitely do other things during it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The question:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I communicate to him that what he thinks my work is worth and hence the &amp;quot;reward&amp;quot; for my work is not quite fair? I initially told him that it was his choice what he would reward me with but when saying that (naive as I am in my young years) I expected a fair reward that was more than 5€. I had two ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling him that I am done with the things he requested initially and would like to hand that project of to have more freetime to spend for myself. I would give him the working code (Node.js so it would be the source) so he could find someone else to extend it (I would document it so that it is easier to do so) and be out of the thing. (My thoughts: Kind of unfair to leave him hanging with a project that works but is missing features he wanted to have. On the other hand I already did a lot...)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Confront him with the fact that I think the &amp;quot;reward&amp;quot; is rather unfair. If he consulted a company to write the bot for him he would have paid a big lot more than 5€... (My thought: I am bad at such things and I don't want to look like the &amp;quot;kid&amp;quot; that's out for money and breaks the previous statement that it would be his choice. On the other hand it is the most direct way of communicating that to him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Notes:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We do not have a signed contract. The only thing is the discord chat history.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The note that I would let him decide was &lt;strong&gt;after&lt;/strong&gt; him asking for a permission/user-system and &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; him asking for web-controls. However neither of those was part of the initial program he asked for.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After getting to the point where I was done implementing his initial program explanation I started to lose motivation which was amplified by him telling me what he thinks my work is worth to him so I would be happy with a solution that would end with me having not to deal with the code anymore.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He always writes that he is super thankful (if that matters)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13724" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T19:50:06.813" Title="How to communicate that offered reward is not quite fair" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;volunteering&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-03-03T19:51:16.130" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-03T13:48:16.467" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There can not be universal answer to this question and you have not specified the culture/country name. But from a South east asian perspective, Dad's mother is your grandmother. In our culture, she would not even need invitation, rather she would be one of the core team members deciding that who else will get the invitation. In our cultures, She will be even chirping her own saved money/family jewellery to the new bride. Keeping her out will be even &quot;unthinkable&quot; here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, assuming that you are talking from a western culture perspective, I think your concern is (1) more about girl friend not able to invite her side of family already and (2) now you have budget constraints too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;SOLUTION&lt;/strong&gt;: I think you can clearly discuss with your father about your budget and &lt;strong&gt;if your father agrees to fund for &quot;four people&quot;(two from father's side and two from your girlfriend's side),&lt;/strong&gt; then your budget will also be okay, and girlfriends share in the budget will also be okay, and as she also got to invite two people from her side without extra burden on her, so she may be fine with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So its either zero increase in number of people or its four people increased on father's budget, to keep everyone happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As your father is really keen on inviting the two people, hence he may really understand your concerns and try to help you the budget of yours and your fiancee both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if he does not agree to your this proposal, then his request of including those two relatives will also get pushed back, without you taking an inflexible stand of denial. As You have already offerred a choice, and he has denied the sponsoring of four guests, hence it got pushed back by his choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13726" LastEditorUserId="13727" LastEditDate="2018-03-03T14:27:44.753" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T14:27:44.753" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11352" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11355" CreationDate="2018-03-03T13:48:47.043" Score="13" ViewCount="3757" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, a group of families whom I've known for a while along with mine went out for dinner together. The families are united in their common language and culture, and we often go out together. Basically, we all know each other pretty well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the table, the teens my age were sitting together. Another person (let's say Alice) and I had ordered the same thing. When the food came, I got it, and Alice didn't. She was under the impression I had taken her food. The waiter told us that he had messed up the order, so I proposed splitting 50:50 between the two of us (we were both extremely hungry, having fasted the whole day) until the other one came which we'd split again (as the waiter said that it would take a lot of time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice, frowned and got up. She wanted the whole thing (as I later found out). She wasn't interested in sharing...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she later got back to the table, she spoke to me like I'd insulted her. She got her meal after just 5 minutes, but later, she mocked me saying I eat a lot (&lt;em&gt;bhukkad&lt;/em&gt; in Hindi) and said that I chew too loud, and I clang my silverware, and many rude things about my eating habits. Her parents were angry at me too :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I avoid this from happening again? (Given that I'm not exactly the perfect eater.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2018-03-03T14:50:55.703" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T04:23:45.647" Title="How to prevent misunderstandings about food with hungry people?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11138" CreationDate="2018-03-03T13:57:06.530" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like the answer of &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/11171/13725&quot;&gt;SnyperBunny&lt;/a&gt; and think similarly but everything depends on things outside of the topic and we don't have that information. Also I don't know how powerful the 'cheapskate' pre-built Fujitsu was and if it is really from 4 years ago hardware or older.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the other answers gave great ideas about the financing and talking with your father but I think you should also consider this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Current state of the hardware market and the stagnation in performance - video cards are scarce and extremely expensive at this exact moment because of cryptocurrency mining, also a brand new custom built PC would not be that different from the last year's since there aren't any big advancements in technology aside from 6 core CPUs which you might not need right now for anything in school or videogames. The NVIDIA Geforce 1000 series has been around since 2016, so again nothing new and innovative in there, like in the CPUs market. AMD has some new middle range Radeon cards which might be the better option for performance and price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example - my PC is using an Intel Sandy Bridge i5-2500k from 2011 and a GeForce 560ti which is enough for anything to handle, I just added an SSD and more RAM over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could explain to your father that you don't want a brand new &quot;this year&quot; parts PC but do some research and find parts that will be great, probably even a little cheaper from say the end of 2016, it will still be faster than your 4 year old PC.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if you have already something in mind for the hardware that you want and if this would be a problem, if it's not exactly that part you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To summarize, my point is that you could check online for the performance of some parts compared to your pre-built system and then pick parts that are better by 50% or even more but don't go for the high-end ones and you could still get the faster PC without much money, I think your father might be pleased then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even show him your research on the matter, if you think it would be helpful to convince him. Again don't go for the brand new this month's model that is faster than last years by 10% which is in the range of the non-detectable by humans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: You could sell the old PC and get some money from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13725" LastEditorUserId="13725" LastEditDate="2018-03-03T20:00:33.763" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T20:00:33.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11350" CreationDate="2018-03-03T14:51:52.630" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, first read &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/11226/how-to-ask-a-friend-to-do-professional-work/11234#11234&quot;&gt;this question and answer&lt;/a&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds familiar? You followed the &quot;working for a friend&quot; algorithm down to the letter. I won't copypaste it here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will feel better if you do these kinds of projects for the fun of it, you sound like you went in for the learning experience, and that is worth a lot more than a few euros. What you learned here from a business  management aspect is also very valuable. Remember this lesson, it is very important. That is your real reward for doing this project. Better learn it on a low-stakes hobby project than when lots of money is at stake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I communicate to him that what he thinks my work is worth and hence the &quot;reward&quot; for my work is not quite fair?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO the best would be to explain that this is taking too much time due to feature creep, and while you were very interested in it as a learning experience, now it starts to feel like a job and you simply don't have enough time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't mention the reward: you didn't negociate it first, so it doesn't exist. There is no contract or business agreement, only subjective expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is find someone else who's interested in expanding the project (maybe put it on github or something) and act like a manager of sorts for them. That would also be an interesting learning experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-03-03T15:02:18.420" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T15:02:18.420" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11352" CreationDate="2018-03-03T15:01:12.647" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;This reminds me of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.fr/search?q=mini%20pie&amp;amp;safe=off&amp;amp;source=lnms&amp;amp;tbm=isch&amp;amp;sa=X&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;mini pie dilemma&lt;/a&gt; scene from a movie. I forgot the title.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are three pies: 1x lemon, and 2x raspberry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are three mouths to feed: Ann loves lemon, John loves raspberry, and Steve has diabetes. They don't know each others' tastes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, politeness dictates Ann choose first because she's the guest. She wants lemon, but if she picks it, there will only be 2x raspberry left, so the others won't have a choice, and she doesn't know what they like. So in order to be polite and allow the others a choice, she picks raspberry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of each type of pie remains. Steve is also a guest, so he chooses next. He picks raspberry because lemon is just too sweet, and he'll only eat 1/4 of the minipie (not eating it would be rude to the one who purchased the minipies, but he has to mind his blood sugar!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John is left with lemon which he hates. Everyone says the pies are delicious and exchanges polite compliments while staring at the others' plates in envy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem here was they didn't have enough information to reach the best decision, and no-one took the initiative to fix it, resulting in an absurd outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When the food came, I got it, and Alice didn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here (France) the waiter would serve the girl first and you'd be expected to be chivalrous and keep your stomach in check, although that chivalrous tradition is kinda lost now. I wonder if it's the same where you are, or not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I proposed splitting 50:50 between the two of us (we were both extremely hungry)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You took it upon yourself to solve the problem (good) but when you do that you also accept responsibility if it goes wrong...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, frowned and got up. She wanted the whole thing (as I later found out). She wasn't interested in sharing...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps the misunderstanding here was that etiquette would dictate Alice gets the plate, and she knew it, and you didn't. In this case your actions could be perceived as rude, although it wasn't intentional. Since this is very culturally dependent, you be the judge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, she didn't say that. She could have teased you a little bit, say &quot;come on, ladies first&quot;, stuff like that, but she chose to leave the table instead. In this case don't fret it: &lt;strong&gt;it's now her problem.&lt;/strong&gt; You don't have to apologize for someone else's childish behavior. Unless you somehow broke etiquette from your culture, but I can't say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;later, she mocked me saying I eat a lot (bhukkad in Hindi) and said that I chew too loud, and I clang my silverware, and many rude things about my eating habits. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course! She was a little bit miffed, so she gave you a good ribbing and teasing in return. Fair enough. Don't take it literally, and especially don't get angry at her, that would be a bad move. The &quot;incident&quot; was pretty much a non-issue, there's no need to escalate. You can (and should) even tease her back a little bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her parents were angry at me too :(&#xA;  How can I avoid this from happening again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask her parents what you did wrong, and frame it like you're trying to improve your table manners. Perhaps they will give you useful information. If they convince you that you did break etiquette, then you can apologize, but not too profusely. I mean, you didn't run over her hamster with your monster truck or anything, it was mostly a non-event so no need to overdo it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also remember the lemon pies, and when you feel an absurd situation brewing, don't be afraid to be the one to open your mouth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, there is an alternate explanation for her behavior: she might be attracted to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="4366" LastEditDate="2018-03-04T01:59:47.393" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T01:59:47.393" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11352" CreationDate="2018-03-03T15:38:22.340" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a girl from an Indo-German background, I think I know something more about this. I've often been in Alice's position when I lived in India.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My culture also has the ladies first tradition, however, a recent change in people's behaviours and beliefs has changed it around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're absolutely right. Sexism and chivalry are getting mixed up, some expect one, others expect the other one. It's hard to know who's who, but you can always discuss, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as the food arrived at your place, you could have been like: &quot;I'm not sexist, but I ought to offer you this... It's our culture.&quot; That saves you the double-trouble that you could have got into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, many girls just like to tease you into making you feel bad, so that's probably why she said what she did about your table manners and stuff. I do this!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about it, just let her parents know the exact situation, and apologize if you need to (as @peufeu said, not too profusely, that makes you look fake). Family friends don't break up over tiny things like this...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13730" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T15:38:22.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11360" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-03-03T18:21:52.010" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no way to try to talk to her without risking annoying her or being perceived as rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However&lt;/strong&gt;, life is full of risks and inaction will probably just lead to her playing on your mind for weeks on end before something happens and your chance is gone for good. So instead of 'no', I'm going to say &lt;strong&gt;don't do nothing&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a very simple thing you can do to discover if she is interested in striking up some kind of rapport, but be prepared to accept that she might not want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure you don't have a drink.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wait until she's finished her coffee&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go over to her and wave (or do some other gesture) to get her attention&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her that you were about to get a coffee and ask her if she'd like you to get her one since you're getting up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says no, just go get a coffee for yourself, then forget about her and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says yes, buy both your cofee and her coffee, bring her coffee to her and then go back to your seat and get back to what you're doing.&#xA;If she offers to pay or wonders why you did it then say you 'just felt like being neighbourly' or 'just felt felt like doing a good deed'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's interested in having a conversation or becoming friends she'll probably talk to you or return the favour in the following days and you can take it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't attempt to make conversation or return the favour in the next few days, just forget about her and move on.&#xA;(Possibly even move away from her if it helps.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might seem hard to let go, but remember that you don't actually know her, until you've spoken to her and got to know her anything you think you know about her is just a story in your head.&#xA;(Also there's not exactly a shortage of humans, if she's not interested you'll find another one.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, the worst case scenario is that she's not interested, but it's better to be reasonably sure than to assume and never really be sure or to sit there wondering until it's too late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if she does want to become acquainted, please remember that's still a long way from being ready for a relationship. It might be the case that she'll only ever want to be friends or that she's happy to exchange coffee purchases now and again but doesn't want to become more familiar than that, in which case you either have to accept that or move on. I honestly hope it goes amicably, but you should always be prepared for the worst case scenario, which in this case means letting go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I acknowledge that there are some flaws in this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, she might refuse a drink because she might think you're going to spike it with drugs or something. (Though if that's the case then you'd probably have had a tough time getting to know her though other means anyway.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to make contact with strangers is almost always going to have its difficulties. Generally easier to meet people through things like clubs, where you're expected to talk to each other and are likely to have a common interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T18:21:52.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11350" CreationDate="2018-03-03T19:43:28.930" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;First, keep your commitments.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the secret to keeping commitments: &lt;em&gt;Don't make commitments&lt;/em&gt;.  You don't have to follow through on something you didn't promise to do.  And be clear on what you did promise and what you did not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Do it while it's fun, then want money&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you did so far was correct: you did it for fun.  Now the additional feature requests are starting to feel like nags, and that is because &lt;em&gt;doing it is not longer interesting/fun to you&lt;/em&gt;.  That's normal and that's time to stop.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if someone wants you to move further, they'll need to motivate you.  I hope you set your price higher than €5.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;No recriminations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This stuff I just talked about is called &lt;em&gt;boundary-setting&lt;/em&gt;. When you are learning how to set boundaries, it's a no-fault deal.  You don't blame the other person for your inexperience in setting boundaries.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So negotiate a price with him in a non-blaming way.  If you need to justify that, &quot;it stopped beign fun for me and now it's just work&quot; is fine.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2018-03-03T19:50:06.813" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T19:50:06.813" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2342" CreationDate="2018-03-03T20:33:33.880" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Who is who in this situation?  If you want to boost self-awareness for someone else, work on making yourself more self-aware.  Ask their perspective about things you do or say.  Pay attention to how you feel and consider various reasons why you might feel that way.  Talk about your emotions without assuming they are caused by another person---even if you think they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, the tone of your question reveals some angst or frustration, as well as some deep fascination and care.  Your generosity shows up in the desire to help your husband, while your angst shows up in the urge to make him different.  But I'm not 100% sure that these are your emotions; my only sure point of reference is that I can relate to these emotions myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11402" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T20:33:33.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11363" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5488" CreationDate="2018-03-03T21:10:23.507" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does the industry you work in have &quot;Head Hunters&quot; or a similar way of &lt;strong&gt;recruiting agencies&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If yes, this may be the way to go for you. Explain them what you need, &lt;strong&gt;they will hopefully already filter out really bad fits.&lt;/strong&gt; This takes away the burden of going through many exhausting interviews with no results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8252" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T21:10:23.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5481" CreationDate="2018-03-03T21:19:31.327" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds very familiar (I have an aspergers diagnosis myself). I would be sure too, in the situation you described.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the company where I work, we have a general rule (not specifically for aspie workers) to show the result at about 80% of the time allotted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally have adopted it as to &lt;strong&gt;show my work when I think I am about 50% done, regardless whether I feel it's good/right or not.&lt;/strong&gt; In my experience, this helps a lot to stay/go back on track.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8252" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T21:19:31.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11365" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11352" CreationDate="2018-03-03T21:26:25.710" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know much about your local culture or the culture of your friend circle. But some people perceive it as a form of closeness to share food. A closeness she might not wish to portray. She might think you are trying to court her and she might have no interest (romantically) in you (or consider you beneath her, due to different social standing for instance) and thus her reaction would be her way of (perhaps intuitively) communicate that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, I don't think the being hungry part is the issue, but the sharing a plate part. In the end however, we can only speculate about the reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, if I don't know someone close enough to know whether the other person is fine with sharing food, I don't suggest it. If the waiter had suggested it you could have gauged her reaction first before agreeing or disagreeing (or just asking her). In any case, before suggesting such a solution publicly, i.e. to the waiter, which implies you speak for the two of you - always first ask the other person. Like (maybe even in a whispered question) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You can have this round if you want, or should we just share this&#xA;  portion until the next arrives?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you signal that you are open to share, but don't imply speaking for her, the decision isn't made yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastEditorUserId="369" LastEditDate="2018-03-04T00:08:09.777" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T00:08:09.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11202" CreationDate="2018-03-03T21:30:26.483" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The funny thing is that we're not even playing anything competitive. His problem isn't losing, his problem is he feels treated unfairly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My son has Tourette Syndrome, and this includes a symptom called &lt;em&gt;rage&lt;/em&gt;.  He also has OCD, which includes something Susan Conners describes as an &quot;obsessive sense of justice.&quot;  He sometimes has the sensation that he has been treated unfairly, even though objectively, that's not true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The set of games he can tolerate and enjoy is more restricted than for an average person of his age and intelligence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can still enjoy playing games together, but because of his neurological differences, I have to be sensitive to which games might get him upset.  It also helps to be sensitive to his physical state, for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Has he gotten some good exercise that day?  Too much sitting for too long doesn't augur well for a positive game session&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is he hungry?  If so, that might make him more likely to get &quot;hangry.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend that you experiment with the choice of game to see what he can handle.  At a certain stage with my children the following approach was helpful:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Choose a fairly simple board game with at least 5 players, identified by color, let's call them Red, Blue, Yellow, Green, Black.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In this approach, it's not exactly a co-op game.  Rather, we take turns; on each person's turn, the person manipulates the pieces for whichever color's turn it is to play.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The turn alternation would go like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Red&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Blue&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Yellow&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Green&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Black&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Red&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can give your friend some emotional distance while still enjoying the mechanics of the game with you.  You can both speculate about which color is likely to win, and enjoy being surprised if things change.  It helps if the game has a great deal of randomness built in.  Many games can be played in this way, even if they weren't originally designed like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to be very, very patient about the negotiating of the fairness.  Over time, the person who obsesses about injustices can often be brought to trust you and relax enough to gradually expand the set of games he can tolerate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, then it's time for professional help. If this becomes necessary, I recommend that you find someone trained in &quot;exposure therapy&quot; or Exposure and Response Prevention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T21:30:26.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-03T21:31:52.410" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I say invite your grandmother.  she is old and likely will die soon.  She is probably very lonely and is asking your dad to get her invited.  Also, if she leaves behind an estate when she dies and you did not invite her to the wedding expect your portion of her estate to go to charity.  Old people hold grudges and are hurt easily.  She was probably there when you were born, and will want to see you married.  Find a way to make it work. Be a man and do the right thing.  Tell your GF to add 2 also then.  Usually restaurants  are prepared to feed extra tell them the change.  Ask for donations to cover the cost of the wedding instead of wedding gifts.  You may find it better to appease you grandmother and make an old lady happy. Most likely you'll regret when all the bonds she has hidden under her mattress go to places other than you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13742" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T21:31:52.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-03T22:25:58.840" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel for you. I was in a similar situation myself, and ultimately was able to limit my wedding guest list to about 25 I think, and 18+ us two were there on the big day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can only throw in my two cents based on my experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) What’s the outcome you can live with, that when you look back one day, you would not regret?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To this day, I do not regret my guest list, and wouldn’t change it. For clarity, we had explored eloping, and then decided against it due to timing. From there, we thought city hall but no family. Eventually, it became small outdoor wedding and brunch at restaurant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The hardest decision was whether inviting my Grandma but not my parents was worth the grievances that were sure to follow in that scenario. It wasn’t. So I invited my parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Whatever you decide is your answer to the above - to or to not acquiesce to your father’s demand - can you talk to him and his mother respectfully about it? If you can’t, perhaps revisit my question 1, as that would seem to suggest there’s still something bothering you, and it’s causing you to waver in your decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you’re on bad terms with your family, then does it really matter what your family will think of you when your wedding day is over?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this gives you some clarity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13741" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T22:25:58.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-03-03T22:32:38.270" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;In most societies (even America) a business card with a personal note on the back is not considered inappropriate.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps, a (legibly) handwritten note to the effect of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would be interested in striking up a conversation with you when you are not busy. (signed with your first name)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The business card gives the person of interest information (preferably legitimate, please note) about you. This information will hopefully demonstrate your sincerity, and also that you are a (theoretically) normal person with an actual job. It is also a gesture of trust as you are entrusting the person with real, actual contact information of yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also conveys that your interest is personal in nature, via the handwritten note and you might get bonus points if you have nice handwriting. Furthermore, you are respecting the headphones, and not trying to talk or get the person to take them off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some cultures, it is better to offer or place the card with both hands (usually Asian). As they are likely to be busy, placing it on the table within view and reach, but not in their personal space bubble, should be considered. Showing both sides as you place it down can also be considered a politeness, as well as demonstrating that you've written something on the back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How they treat the card should be a fairly clear indicator of your next step. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Respect their choice and decision.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7739" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T22:32:38.270" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11371" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11069" CreationDate="2018-03-03T22:59:49.060" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to go on against the grain and propose the following solution to your conundrum:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just do it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously, that's the only real answer. You can talk to her directly, pass a QR code with a link to this post, give out your business card or go with any other creative reason suggested in this post. There's a 99% chance it won't pan out, but that's okay too. Once you do it your mind will free up and you'll be able to focus on other things in the coffee shop, such as drinking your coffee. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It won't be particularly polite (approaching strangers rarely is), but that's just a trade off you have to make as a single person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9110" LastActivityDate="2018-03-03T22:59:49.060" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11373" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11394" CreationDate="2018-03-04T00:46:00.823" Score="3" ViewCount="713" Body="&lt;p&gt;Right now, I'm a 15 year old student who lives in Australia. In the past I've had a history of not managing my time well, often slacking when I was supposed to study or finish my homework on my laptop. As a result my parents had been particularly watchful whether they let me on my laptop and are rather restrictive, which I've gotten used to and can work around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, a little after the start of this year that restriction suddenly increased, and now the only single time I am allowed to go even near my laptop is if I have a school assignment that requires some form of digital research or software, and even then they literally sit behind me and stare at me to make sure I don't go off track. The only time I'm actually allowed to go on and do my own thing is on the weekends, and even then for a duration of two hours in total.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has been extremely frustrating as I've started to break those old habits and actually started managing my time and concentrating on tasks. I've gotten Cold Turkey, a program which blocks distractions to help with productivity, and I use it regularly. I have a number of useful resources online as well which I know have greatly helped with and improved my studying, but I'm even cut off from those. Whenether I try to reason with them, they just say that I've been looking at a screen for too long, and when I show them the resources I've used it had no effect. The main problem is with my restriction I can't actually prove to them I'm trustworthy, since the times I'm actually on are so little it has practically no effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convince them that I can be trusted now? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a bit of clarification, I come from an Asian family, so I understand their concern to an extent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13747" LastEditorUserId="13747" LastEditDate="2018-03-04T01:07:46.840" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T16:44:24.367" Title="How to convince parents I'm trustworthy?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11374" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11390" CreationDate="2018-03-04T01:18:09.747" Score="9" ViewCount="2027" Body="&lt;p&gt;I need to move and find a new home to rent. The city I live in is having a housing crisis (as declared by the mayor). I think many landlords take advantage of this. I know that they’re just trying to protect themselves from being ripped off but a lot of landlords are overly pessimistic and skeptical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of the advertisements I see require a self-biography, contact information, references and more in the initial email. I don’t feel comfortable giving all this out to a stranger before I even have their phone number, let alone viewed the home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One time I got a call from a private number saying that I had applied to his rental the other day. He asked a lot of rather invasive questions, like wanting to know the address of where I worked and where I was from. I don’t really feel comfortable telling this to someone I don’t know. How can I communicate this without damaging my chances too badly of getting the home? I find housing ads through sites like Craig's List or kiji, so the initial point of contact is an email. I started including that, I get a lot of spam phone calls (which is true now that I’ve been giving out my phone number so regularly) and ask that the person first replies with a text so I know who it is and can answer the call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just today I went to view a home and the first thing the landlord does is asks to see my ID. She then quickly takes out her phone and takes a picture of it. This is actually illegal, where I live landlords can inspect ID but not make copies of it. It’s very common where I live that laws like this be ignored, but usually landlords make copies of ID just before the lease is signed, having her do this on the first viewing really upset me. In this particular case what can/should I have said? I’m still thinking of sending her a message along the lines of &quot;thanks for showing me the place. Just so you know it’s not actually legal for landlords to copy tenants ID, and I found it really premature for you to do this before I even saw the place&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the general case, what can I say to show I would like this to be a bi-partisan process?  I hate it when I reply to an add to only be given &quot;please a give self-bio, your employers phone number, if you’re single etc.&quot; I can see things like a self-bio but giving references to a stranger over the internet isn’t something I’m comfortable with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m looking for a script I can use in such situations. How does this sound?&#xA;&quot;I realize you asked for more information, like references. Do you think I could see the place or get your phone number first? I realize you want to make sure you’re renting your property out to reliable people, I just don’t feel comfortable giving out this information over the internet to someone I never met&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to make clear, things I've been asked before I even get the other person's name are&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;self biography&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;what I do for work&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;address of where I work&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;how long I worked there&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;where I currently lived and how long I lived there&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;references&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ID such as driver's license&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;sleep schedule&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;eating habits&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;how much time I spend at home&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;sexual orientation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;where I'm from&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of these are reasonable, even when requested in initial email. Some of them, not so much.Quite a few are simply illegal, for example discriminating against someone based on their gender.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.kijiji.ca/v-room-rental-roommate/vancouver/one-bedroom-basement-suite/1337256744?enableSearchNavigationFlag=true&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;an example&lt;/a&gt; I'm not comfortable giving someone my current address without having any of their contact information in return. This isn't even about identity theft, just common security. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13751" LastEditorDisplayName="user13751" LastEditDate="2018-03-05T09:11:27.157" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T23:45:53.573" Title="How to decline giving personal information until you recieved some in return" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11378" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11373" CreationDate="2018-03-04T01:53:10.383" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're not alone in facing the pull of screens, and your parents are not alone in their concerns.  One thing that can help teens and parents navigate these rocky waters is to keep the lines of communication open.  There's a documentary filmmaker, Delaney Ruston, who made the film &quot;Screenagers,&quot; and who provides weekly conversation starters about these issues, that you and your parents can subscribe to: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.screenagersmovie.com/tech-talk-tuesdays/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.screenagersmovie.com/tech-talk-tuesdays/&lt;/a&gt;.  Here's an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When it comes to relationships, the most important thing one must&#xA;  bring to the table is one’s attention. Our attention is a precious&#xA;  gift that we decide to give or withhold from others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In an app-development class, 4th to 7th graders were asked to define a&#xA;  problem and then come up with an app that offers a solution. Students&#xA;  often brought up two main issues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They often felt ignored by their parents who were distracted by screens. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Kids would often walk into their parent’s rooms and hear or see inappropriate content on their parents’ TVs.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To solve the issue, the kids came up with the idea of a&#xA;  voice-recognition app that would temporarily freeze their parents’&#xA;  phones whenever the child’s voice is detected.  To combat seeing&#xA;  inappropriate content, mostly on TV after bedtime, the kids proposed&#xA;  an app named “Earmuffs App.” The app would sense when a kid came into&#xA;  the room and then would mute swear words and switch the adult content&#xA;  from the TV to a hideable phone or tablet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So often we want our children to get off of their phones. But what if&#xA;  our kids want us to get off of our phones? I’m sure you’ve heard “mom,&#xA;  mom, mom “ while you’re reading an email, checking a text or reading&#xA;  an article. Our phones have become such a part of our daily lives that&#xA;  we often don’t realize how much we are using them. But, our kids know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For this week’s TTT let’s turn the focus away from our kids’ use of&#xA;  technology and put it on our own. Let’s get our kids’ or partners’&#xA;  attention with questions like these:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What are some of the best ways I give you my attention?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do you find that I’m on my phone, tablet or laptop when you want my attention?  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What are ways you can tell that I am only half paying attention?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents will likely lengthen the leash if they are able to see, over time, that you can take the initiative to walk away from the screen on the weekend before the alloted two hours are up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will take patience on your part.  But it's worth it, if the end result is mutual trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T01:53:10.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11379" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11352" CreationDate="2018-03-04T02:10:51.337" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I avoid this from happening again? (Given that I'm not exactly the perfect eater.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Work on your table manners.  See if you can make some small but significant improvements.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If your parents and your customs allow, have a couple of bites of something before heading to the restaurant.  Teenagers fasting all day -- that's a recipe for a blow-up.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Apologize to Alice without defending yourself.  You might need to practice first.  Just apologize -- nothing more, nothing less.  (For reasoning see below*.)  Example: phone Alice.  &quot;Hi, I'm calling to apologize about the mix-up at the restaurant.  I'm really sorry about what happened.  I wasn't thinking clearly and I behaved inconsiderately.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, apologize to her parents.  This one can be more abbreviated.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you ever find yourself in this situation again, as soon as the mix-up is discovered, be the gracious one, and hand the plate over to the Alice.  Hopefully Alice will let you have a couple bites of something to tide you over.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Reasoning: When someone feels that their food has been taken away from them, they can very easily react in a completely irrational way.  This can happen to anyone.  Someone who has gone too long without eating is particularly vulnerable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T02:10:51.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11322" CreationDate="2018-03-04T02:49:07.493" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There was a similar question at Parenting SE with &lt;a href=&quot;https://parenting.stackexchange.com/a/12852/14336&quot;&gt;a helpful answer&lt;/a&gt;, take a look.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can shut these visits down completely if you want to.  However, you may want to consider finding a level that you're comfortable with.  Here's one possible route towards that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time they knock on the door, step outside to have a short conversation with them.  Focus primarily on the one who seems like the most mature of the bunch.  Explain whatever constraints you've decided on.  For example (I'll suppose your daughter's name is Ellen.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm glad we're living in the same neighborhood with you!  I'm happy for Ellen that there are other children living nearby that she can get to know and play with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ellen is only allowed to have a guest over to play on Tuesdays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ellen can have one guest over to visit at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to meet your parents before you come over to play with Ellen.  Tomorrow, Ellen and I would like to walk with you to your house, so I can see where you live.  Then I'll go knock on your door one day when your parents are home, so I can meet them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it's not a Tuesday, please don't come over to visit us.  That means, don't knock on the door, and don't come into the yard.  Because Ellen just isn't going to be available unless it's a Tuesday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking forward to one of you coming over to play next Tuesday!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Separately, you may wish to contact the local school and ask if there are any affordable after-school programs that might be appropriate, and then you could pass the information on to the parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T02:49:07.493" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11238" CreationDate="2018-03-04T03:16:07.067" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see how A and B can be friends at any level if B is made to feel uncomfortable just by virtue of A telling B about a recent hospitalization.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it the fact that he was in the hospital that made you uncomfortable?  Or is it the fact that he was in the hospital due to mental health concerns?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's the latter, perhaps it would help to phone your local Mental Health Association office.  There is a lot of stigma in our society about mental health problems.  The mental health association may be able to help you get over the stigma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder if the reason for your discomfort was that on some level, you were afraid that he might cling on to you more than you would like him to?  In other words, did you get the feeling you were on a slippery slope?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that case, it might be helpful to set up your encounters with each other in a more structured way, with a defined start and end time, defined frequency, and a carefully chosen activity, so that there won't be much of an opportunity for a tête-à-tête.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T03:16:07.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11383" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11213" CreationDate="2018-03-04T03:29:53.033" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would invite him to step outside and go for a stroll around the block.  You can say that you've been sitting down all morning and you really need to stretch your legs, and does he feel like going for a little walk with you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a person with a tic feels embarrassed ticcing in public, it can be helpful to step away from the embarrassing environment.  He may have felt, in the coffee shop, as though he were in an aquarium, acutely self-conscious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to start a conversation sometime about tics, you could bring up someone you've known, or a famous person, who has tics, for example, Tim Howard, the soccer goalie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be helpful to read up a bit about Tourette Syndrome and other tic disorders before you bring this up.  There are many, many people with a tic disorder who have never been diagnosed, and don't know exactly what makes them tic (pardon the pun!).  So, it's okay to broach the subject, but then wait and see how your acquaintance responds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;My son has Tourette Syndrome.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T03:29:53.033" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-03-04T04:45:16.380" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well if you invite them according to your father's request, then you are a pushover. You are letting other people meddling in the beginning stage of your marriage and it is not a good sign. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this life, you can't keep everyone happy. You probably can make others happy at the expense of your own happiness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a wedding, groom and bride's happiness should be the priority, not other people. I'd rather not have a wedding reception at all than being miserable or having a fight due to the wedding reception. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe as a good father I shouldn't put any unnecessary pressure on my son wedding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well unless if you are hoping for inheritance, then you both can suck it up and make an exception. Having a fight with the spouse because the family is really not recommended. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13754" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T04:45:16.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11157" CreationDate="2018-03-04T05:20:06.787" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here are your options, as I see them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a) Withdraw from Joe's project.  Within this, there are two branches: withdraw and take this class again next year; versus: find a new project for this semester (might require an extension/Incomplete)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b) Continue with Joe's project, but willing to do all the work while Joe gets credit.  Note: difficult to pull off given your new job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible Joe will improve enough, rather suddenly, to get fully involved in the project, but you can't assume this will be the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could set some milestones and see if you and Joe can meet them, but there's actually nothing in your post to make me think this has any significant chance of success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given your new job making demands upon your time, I'm not actually sure you could make a success of the project without a significant contribution by Joe.  Also, your post doesn't inspire a lot of confidence that you would be able to come up with a good project concept on your own.  (I hope I'm wrong about that!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you haven't decided yet, you should bring this to your instructor's attention right away.  S/he may have some specific guideline or rule that might help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your instructor may be able to assist with obtaining 504 accommodations for Joe.  This might involve a time extension -- for Joe, but not for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T05:20:06.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11322" CreationDate="2018-03-04T07:01:02.257" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put them to work. Yep, when around ask them to help with small tasks. Take out the trash. Pick up some leaves, untangle the Christmas lights. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two things will happen. Eventually the entertainment value will diminish and the problem will self-correct. Or you get a lot of things knocked out and maintain face as a great host. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Children can take directness personal and even if you spoke to their parents they are intelligent enough to know you used them as a proxy. Save feelings and face. And be grateful people like to be in your company. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13760" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T07:01:02.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11374" CreationDate="2018-03-04T10:10:24.030" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Alright, I'll do the landlord (I'm French). I'm always quite amazed at the amount of stuff people send without asking them to, usually a lot more than what the law allows me to ask... The main risk for you is someone putting a nice fake classified, gathering your documents, and then using them for identity theft.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, a good middle ground is to send document scans, but &lt;strong&gt;blank part of the vital information on the documents&lt;/strong&gt; that are most likely to be used for identity fraud, like your ID card's serial number. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the pay slip, it'll be a bit more difficult. I usually only ask for it when signing the lease, but if you're dealing with an intermediate or realtor, they may not want to meet without having a complete file.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is &lt;strong&gt;write a summary with all the information, and add &quot;I'll bring all documents when we meet.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of all these documents is mostly to prove how much you earn. For example if you don't pay the rent and I sue you, and I can't produce proof that you could actually pay the rent, the judge will tell me &quot;so what? you did business with this guy without checking he could pay? you have no case, bye bye.&quot; That's completely absurd, but it is legal precedent and I've seen it happen. So, no pay slip, no business for you!...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The city I live in is having a housing crisis (as declared by the mayor). I think many landlords take advantage of this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hehe. Actually, it's very simple. Since any candidate who makes more than the one I choose can sue me for discrimination, my only way to avoid problems is to pick the richest one. Ahhh, socialism...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don’t feel comfortable giving all this out to a stranger before I even have their phone number, let alone viewed the home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, the problem you have is that other candidates will comply so they will get the deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also do you really think I'm gonna hop into my car and drive 20 km to the place for a visit before even knowing you can pay the rent? People commonly ask &quot;can I visit&quot; as first question, however they have no clue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some building managers don't care and just say &quot;yes&quot;. This results in 50 people waiting in line in the stairs for 2 hours while clutching their thick files to visit a tiny appartment (this is common in Paris). That's just disrespectful IMO. I prefer to pick based on documents and only do like 5 visits or less. This results in much less hassle for everyone involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, if the first thing you ask is &quot;can I visit&quot; and they say yes without asking any questions, expect either a group tour with a huge crowd, or something is wrong with the house and they need the maximum amount of visitors to find a sucker who will rent anyway (for example, there's no thermal insulation, or lots of noise, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One time I got a call from a private number saying that I had applied to his rental the other day. He asked a lot of rather invasive questions, like wanting to know the address of where I worked and where I was from. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yup, I always ask where they work. There is a simple reason: some tenants are new to the city, and they don't know the public transport infrastructure. Quite often, it turns out that they would have to switch lines twice and this would result in a very long trip time. Or if they use a car, they would have to go through a famously jampacked road. In such cases they are much better off looking in another neighborhood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don’t really feel comfortable telling this to someone I don’t know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, suck it up, you're gonna have to do it. Just list the stuff that can be used in identity fraud and blank some digits. You'll be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I get a lot of spam phone calls&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I no longer put the phone number in listings because I get too many spam phone calls from real estate &quot;professionals&quot; too. Email is more convenient as it allows all the information to be neatly sorted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and ask that the person first replies with a text so I know who it is and can answer the call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Texts are inconvenient, don't ask for texts, you'll just get ghosted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just today I went to view a home and the first thing the landlord does is asks to see my ID. She then quickly takes out her phone and takes a picture of it. This is actually illegal&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come with a copy of your ID and give the copy (with the numbers blanked). If they ask, say it's about identity theft. Can't argue against that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also did you meet the landlord, or an intermediate? In the latter case she needs proof you visited so she can claim her commission even if you go direct with the landlord and squeeze her out of the deal...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the listing is from a &quot;professional&quot; then you can use a reverse directory and check their phone number corresponds to the proper business name. Pros will usually have a link to their website, and you can google the name and add &quot;scam&quot;. You can also ask for more photos of the house to ensure it's real. But if it's an individual house they may not tell you the address, because you'd just go there and they wouldn't get their commission. If they do tell you the address, check on google street view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hate it when I reply to an add to only be given &quot;please a give self-bio, your employers phone number, if you’re single etc.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Send the information you want. If there's enough in there, they won't ask for more. Honestly I wonder why they ask for the employer's phone number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;self biography, what I do for work, address of where I work, how long I worked there&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;File under &quot;prove you can pay the rent&quot;, you won't be able to dodge this. If you want to increase your chances, mention why you like the place. For example I like a tenant who works very close, because they'll be happier and stay longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;where I currently lived and how long I lived there, references&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never bother asking for this, but if you were in good terms with your previous landlord, it doesn't cost you anything to add a reference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ID such as driver's license&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See above, ID is required to sign lease, but before that a censored copy should be just fine. I wouldn't mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;sleep schedule, eating habits, how much time I spend at home, sexual orientation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All illegal for a landlord to ask here (France) so no need to answer, esp. sexual orientation, who cares? &lt;strong&gt;HOWEVER&lt;/strong&gt; if the classified is from roommates looking for a new roommate, YMMV, sleep schedule would make sense for example. Whether roommates have the right to ask about sexual orientation is... an interesting legal question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;where I'm from&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're a foreigner then you will need proper documents to show you're legal so your nationality is relevant. YMMV depending on legislation. For example here, not doing business with someone who doesn't speak French is discrimination and thus illegal, but that doesn't solve the problem of how they're going to read and understand the contracts! It's a can of worms. Last time I had a dude who spoke only Japanese, with his Chinese GF translating into English. We managed... it was fun! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if you’re single&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your relationship status is irrelevant but there is a legit question hidden in there: the landlord will want to know if you're looking for a flat for yourself, or youself+partner+kids, roommates, etc, as the leases and legal status aren't necessarily the same. Also if you have a partner you have to decide if they'll be on the lease or not, if so then you'd have to tell. If you have a partner who doesn't live with you then no need to tell. Here the legal thing is that if your partner's primary residence is with you then some details like insurance (and who actually pays the rent) have to be sorted out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-03-04T12:32:57.377" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T12:32:57.377" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11391" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-03-04T12:32:25.200" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Plenty of wise advice already.  Some points of potential special cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At my local supermarket, some of the cashiers take smoke breaks near the public the entrance of the supermarket.  If you naturally pass by there, it may be OK to stop for chit-chat.  It's long enough to exchange more than a couple of sentences and gauge interest.  She has an easy escape: &quot;Back to work, bye&quot;.  It's public enough (assuming there's people around) and therefore reasonably safe, but private enough to not be embarassing.  Of course, if their smoke break is in a back alley behind the supermarket this can't work (seeking her out there would constitute stalking).  And don't stand somewhere waiting for her to take her smoke break, only do this if you naturally happen to pass by her having one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could be lucky and run into her on a bus or somewhere else out of context.  I once stayed at a youth hostel, the day after I checked out I ran into one of their employees on a bus, 200 km from the hostel.  In a different life I might have chatted with her more than I did.  Again, only partake this if it genuinely is by chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="40" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T12:32:25.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5481" CreationDate="2018-03-04T13:00:14.397" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you are provided with less information, you are bound to make assumptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advice that you solve this problem by&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Revisiting and Confirming the Assumptions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way that you do this is simply by asking &lt;strong&gt;confirmational questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply, think of every assumption that you have and confirm it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting with assumptions that are most likely to be untrue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13768" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T13:00:14.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11393" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11283" CreationDate="2018-03-04T15:10:23.600" Score="6" Body="&lt;h2&gt;It’s &lt;em&gt;empathy&lt;/em&gt; you are looking for&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You convinced him to stop saying &lt;em&gt;Sorry&lt;/em&gt; all the time, and he picked what he figured was the second-best phrase. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, when confronted with anything that could be construed as criticism, he blurts out a thoughtless platitude that shows no empathy, and shuts down communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An appropriate response if you step on someone’s foot is to ask if they are OK. An appropriate response to being told how to stop taking lousy photographs is to thank the person for the info, or better yet, paraphrase the info back to the speaker to prove to them you listened. You’re not getting any of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are guessing the root cause of the behavior is anxiety, and you probably know him pretty well after 4 years — but there might be &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/4540/lack-empathy-isnt-found-narcissists-sociopaths/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;other reasons&lt;/a&gt;. Seeing a doctor or counselor could help, if that’s possible. It’s hard to know the solution to a problem when you don't know the cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Seeking a solution&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might let your boyfriend know:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you always just say the same thing in response to any problem, it&#xA;  feels like you aren’t even listening. I know you care about me, and I&#xA;  care about you — can we work on that together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get buy-in, encourage him to take a moment to consider the appropriate response. You could try some play-acting when you are not upset. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him know exactly what to do. For example, for a tromped toe:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In this case an apology is appropriate&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask if your foot is OK&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer you a little kiss on the cheek or something&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Promise to be more careful in the future&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In a few hours, or at the end of the day, ask if your foot feels better now&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While going through this, be as supportive as you can (which is why it’s best to role-play this, instead of trying to do it after an actual foot-tromping incident).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he does this exactly “just so” every time, that may get annoying too, because in a way it’s just a more complex rote response, like “Sorry” or “I didn’t mean to.” You can refine the process later, but for now, we can hope the words will sink in a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the root cause of the behavior is anxiety, even running through the situation in play can trigger some anxious responses (you might swap roles and pretend you were the transgressor, to help with this). If he’s just bored with this game, then there may be some other cause of the lack of empathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. I’ve found the world to be full of people who ought to know their social graces better. Some of them can be taught.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4471" LastEditorUserId="4471" LastEditDate="2018-03-05T12:31:02.650" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T12:31:02.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11373" CreationDate="2018-03-04T16:44:24.367" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an Asian myself, let me tell you...there is no hope! Mwa hahaha! jk. It'll take a long time to re-establish trust, but it can be done!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you've stated:&quot;I can't actually prove to them I'm trustworthy, since the times I'm actually on are so little it has practically no effect.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're right; you can't re-establish their trust in you by  demonstrating your &quot;proper&quot; usage of a computer, at least not &lt;em&gt;directly&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Gain back their trust by being reliable and honest with other tasks (chores, curfew, etc.)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to do everything all at once, but start by say being 20% more reliable with laundry duty, 30% more reliable with cleaning your room, and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's some common situations you can use to your advantage:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Group Projects:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A week in advance, tell them, &quot;Mom/Dad, I'll have go to [Friend A]'s house for 1 hour after school for a group project,&quot; stick to that time, and be back home in exactly one hour. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When they ask &quot;What subject&quot;, &quot;Which teacher&quot;, &quot;Who's [Friend A]'s dad?&quot;,etc, answer them calmly and (if you can manage it) cheerfully. This will make it seem as though you have nothing to hide AND that you've become so good at managing your time, planning a study session is a breeze.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Passing by the grocery store on the way home:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use a bit of your allowance to buy bread, steel wool or some other cheap item that you know for sure your home is running low on. If you have no idea, then just buy a snack you know your Mom/Dad will like. Mention you thought they might like it when you give it to them. Don't buy rice, bc Asian parents have specific brand preferences, and they'll call you a careless child for not knowing it. Plus it's expensive so they'll just KNOW you're up to something! &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Alternatively, call up your Mom or Dad and very, very casually inquire if they need anything. I'd suggest if you're a boy, to call Mom instead of Dad, bc a lot of Asian moms have soft spots for their sons. (Same with Asian dads and their daughters in a lot of countries).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the topic of your parents' home country comes up in conversation(Assuming you're the child of immigrant parents):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;whether you care about hearing what happened in the year 19xx or whatever for the 50th time, at last appear genuinely interested. Ask some questions and listen to the answers. Your parents grew up there, so they think of it very fondly. Your attempts to learn to their home country will be appreciated.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If a topic related to their home country comes up in History/Social Science/any class, take you class notes and worksheets and ask your parents for more information. This helps your parents see your dedication to schoolwork, and makes them feel fulfillment as well because they helped you learn something. Bonus: if they don't feel like answering and accidentally yell &quot;Go Google it!&quot; then well ;) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't overdo this or anything else on this list--they'll definitely get suspicious and catch on to your evil scheme if you do! &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Appear to have a fixed schedule:&#xA;-despite how flexible you made your schedule for the day, at least come out from your room and do a certain task(watch TV, do chores, whatever) at a fixed time everyday. This will show your parents that you are indeed managing your time well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After about four to six months of sneakily scoring brownie points with Mom and Dad...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;...start asking for more time on your laptop.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start with REALLLYYY small &quot;extensions&quot; somewhat regularly--no more&#xA;than 5 minutes! And only for when you're doing schoolwork, and&#xA;nothing else! Then slowly  over the course of the year, increase it up to half an hour.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Actually, start asking for extensions a little sporadically throughout those 4-6 months. When I say sporadically,I &lt;em&gt;mean&lt;/em&gt; sporadically! No more than ten in total, unless something urgent comes up!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If all is going well, at this point your parents should not be supervising you as strictly. If not, um...well, ramp up the charm!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't give a reason for the extension as &quot;I've been more responsible lately, so give me more time.&quot; Nope nope. They'll only catch on to your &quot;ulterior motives&quot; for what you did and call you a lying, manipulative &amp;amp; ungrateful child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;instead, mentally time yourself so that you know some kind of work is going to be just about unfinished, and ask for time to finish it up. And actually just use the time to finish it up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Around the finals, I'm assuming there'll be more papers due, so a few weeks before the finals, tell them over dinner that you'll be needing more time on your laptop for studying, because of the papers due at the end of the term. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully after one year of being nice and showing your parents how responsible you are, they'll have a different view of you, and trust you more! Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13224" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T16:44:24.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5488" CreationDate="2018-03-04T22:10:50.487" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've conducted bunches of interviews over the years (in the US), and I'm also somebody with some special needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to dictate how I have to be handled. I want to explain/ask that I need a very structured working environment to be most efficient, that &lt;strong&gt;they have to consider my Aspergers when planning to let me work for them as it might affect my performance tremendously.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tread very carefully here.  This sounds an awful lot like &quot;you have to accept my poor performance because of this condition&quot;.  The law in the US (I don't know about other places) is that employers can't discriminate about things that &lt;em&gt;aren't key job functions&lt;/em&gt;.  To pick some extreme examples, they are not required to hire a blind person as a driver or somebody with a fatigue or muscular problem to work on a loading dock moving heavy loads.  Now you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do the job, unlike my examples, but if you say what you proposed, you're saying that you &lt;em&gt;can't do it well&lt;/em&gt;.  That's not what you want to convey (and it's probably not correct either).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an interview, instead of presenting your needs, you should ask questions that will tell you whether the position is compatible with your needs.  Don't say &quot;I need a very structured working environment&quot;; ask questions about how work is structured, how tasks are tracked and managed, and how they handle ad-hoc/pop-up tasks.  An interview question like this &lt;em&gt;starts a conversation&lt;/em&gt;, during which you can say something like &quot;I'm looking for a structured environment&quot; or &quot;I do best with a structured environment&quot;.  (If you can be more specific than &quot;structured environment&quot;, do so.  As an interviewer I can imagine all sorts of things you might mean by that; don't make your interviewers guess.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the interview you will be asked questions about your past work.  When you answer questions you can both mention what you struggle with &lt;em&gt;and show why it's not a problem&lt;/em&gt;.  &quot;Behavioral&quot; questions are especially good for this; those are the ones of the form &quot;tell me about a time when you had a conflict with a peer&quot; or &quot;tell me about a time when you couldn't meet a deadline&quot;.  These questions invite you to tell a story, during which you can say something like &quot;I sometimes come across as overly critical, which I'm working to correct, so when I realized that Bob was reacting to that, I was able to (something you did to clarify and mitigate)&quot; or &quot;I was struggling because some late requirements changes meant a lot of new work and I worried about doing it well, so I asked the product manager about priorities and it turned out that this one big thing was being driven by one customer and we could give them a patch after the general release&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you talk about your condition, do it in a context where you also show that it's not going to hurt them to have you on the team.  Show them (through descriptions of past actions) that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are going to take the initiative to address issues that come up, that you're not going to be one of those people who expects everybody else to work around you and makes excuses for under-performing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-03-04T22:10:50.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11401" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-05T00:37:46.597" Score="11" ViewCount="1125" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider a case where a young child is doing something that directly impacts me, and most everyone would consider it reasonable to want them to stop. Here are a few real examples of things they've done in the past:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pawing through my purse&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Repeatedly and loudly talking in a theatre&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Kicking the back of my seat&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pushing me out of the way to look through a window or use an arcade game&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get that young children do not fully understand boundaries and being polite. I have no desire to teach them a lesson, make a scene, scold them, or anything like that. I simply want them to stop the behavior that is directly affecting me in a negative way with as little effort and drama as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the parent notices the behavior and immediately fixes the problem for me, which is perfect, but often that doesn't happen. In that case, my current approach is the same as it would be with an adult: I politely ask them to stop doing whatever it is they are doing. In the case of something  blatantly rude, I might be a bit more forceful (&quot;hey, quit going through my purse!&quot;), but it's not ever filled with fury or malice or anything like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like this is reasonable, but it often prompts parents or even bystanders to object to me speaking directly to the kid, because &quot;it's the parent's job to parent.&quot; I don't understand this sentiment at all; I'm enforcing my own (entirely reasonable) boundaries against a stranger, not &quot;parenting&quot;, but it seems to be a common sentiment. I'm not sure if this is caused by the way I'm addressing the kid or if it's the very act of speaking to a child I'm not the guardian of. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have occasionally tried talking directly to parents instead, but generally they tell the kid to stop, which they do for a minute, then start right back up again without any further intervention from the parent. At that point, I feel uncomfortable asking them repeatedly to do something about it or talking directly to the kid, so I'm stuck dealing with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So talking to the kid is generally effective, but sometimes causes a scene, which I'd like to avoid. Talking to the parent usually doesn't cause a scene (though they sometimes get huffy about it), but it is often ineffective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best method to get a youngish child (under 8) to quit doing something to me with a minimum of fuss? Alternatively, what's a response that will quickly shut down the &quot;don't parent someone else's kid&quot; complaint? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I meant this to only include children who are complete strangers to me, but including the case where you know the family is okay too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T20:34:49.177" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T20:34:49.177" Title="If I want a child to stop a behavior, should I talk directly to the child or to the parents?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11339" CreationDate="2018-03-05T05:27:39.730" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're sincerely interested in mending your reputation and relationships in this group, then the first step is to loosen your grip on this premise:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...that I was a racist and made racist comments to him. This is completely fabricated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why should you reconsider this? Because the way to resolve an interpersonal conflict is to &lt;em&gt;listen&lt;/em&gt; to the other party and attempt to understand their point of view. &lt;strong&gt;It's not possible for you to listen to him if you begin with the assertion that what he experienced didn't happen.&lt;/strong&gt; I don't mean to minimize your response --- it's genuinely very, very hard to put aside your own feelings and perspective when you feel under attack, as I'm sure you do right now. But you asked what your approach should be if you talk to him, and the answer is that it should be one of open-minded listening. In order to do that, you have to allow the possibility that you did say something racist, even if you didn't mean to. Everyone does sometimes, unfortunately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So let's assume for the moment that you did say something racist to Ed, without realizing it. It might have happened a bunch of times, even. How might that have made him feel? Marginalized? Threatened? Angry? Betrayed? Scared? You might have hurt him badly. In order to repair the damage, you need to put aside your perspective for the moment and apologize for hurting him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether it was intentional or not doesn't matter --- if you hurt someone, you apologize. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an analogy, imagine if you stepped on Ed's foot accidentally when you got into the elevator, and he winced. For most people, the instant response would be &quot;Oh my goodness, did I step on you? I'm so sorry! How clumsy of me. Is your foot okay?&quot; Imagine how outlandishly rude it would be to respond with &quot;Why are you wincing? I absolutely did not step on you. I'm not the kind of person who steps on people's feet. How dare you accuse me of such a thing. You owe me an apology.&quot; And yet, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.upworthy.com/7-things-black-people-want-their-well-meaning-white-friends-to-know&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;we well-meaning white people&lt;/a&gt; often have a very hard time seeing the effects of unintentionally racist comments as &lt;em&gt;harm&lt;/em&gt; because we can't see past our own pain at thinking (or having others think) we might be racist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;But his accusation &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; completely fabricated!&quot; you might be thinking. &quot;I never said anything to him that could possibly be construed as racist.&quot; Well, there are two possibilities: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You did indeed say something that he interpreted in a way different from what you meant (e.g. you said something you didn't realize had racist connotations), so while he genuinely did experience you saying something he perceived to be racist you have no memory of having done that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He has some kind of completely unfounded personal vendetta against you and is maliciously spreading fabricated stories that he knows to be false in order to hurt you. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, #1 is much more likely. So start with that assumption and try to resolve the conflict from there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How can I recover from this in my workplace? Here are the steps I recommend&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Read this excellent article in its entirety: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/liz-joynt-sandberg/getting-better-at-getting_b_5607548.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Getting better at getting called out&lt;/a&gt; It includes tips for helping you to take Ed's perspective here, as well as very concrete dos and don'ts for talking about this with him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take some time, alone, to prepare yourself. This will be a very hard conversation --- don't underestimate the power of preparation. Think carefully about what you want to say (and what you want to NOT say), and how to say it. Write down talking notes for yourself, and practice saying them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask Ed if you and he can have a talk about this. Here's an example of what you might say to ask him:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Ed, I had a conversation recently with HR and they told me I had said something problematic to you a while ago, something that sounded racist. I was really shocked and dismayed to hear that; I hope you'll accept my apology. It was certainly never my intention to contribute to a racist environment here at work, and I sincerely apologize for my actions. If you're willing, I'd love to talk with you more about this so I can understand exactly what it was I said that caused that reaction, so I can do better in the future. Either way, thank you for speaking up about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple things about this example script: It starts with the assumption that Ed's experiences were real; he experienced you saying something that sounded racist. (In our elevator analogy, we're acknowledging that he got his foot stepped on.) Because you're starting from a position of validating his perspective, a heartfelt apology for having unintentionally hurt him is the natural response. It also puts you both on the same team by thanking him for speaking up --- it makes resolving this and preventing this kind of thing in the future your shared goal. In that spirit, it asks him to help you learn more about what you did so that you can avoid making that mistake again. Note that it's not his responsibility to teach you, though, and he has every right to say no. If he does say no, accept that gracefully and try to do some honest introspection to see if you can get to the bottom of the matter on your own, or with a trusted friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If Ed takes you up on your offer to talk about this issue, concentrate on listening with an open mind. Resist the urge to tell him your perspective, to correct his impressions, to explain yourself. This is NOT the time to explain why you're not racist and his impressions were wrong. Your goal is to understand what his experience was. Keep in mind that this is a hard conversation for him, too, and he's doing you a really big favor by taking the time and emotional energy to engage with you on this. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Work on humility on this front going forward. It's much better to apologize right away when something like this happens, rather than it festering over months. Dismissing it (saying it didn't happen) doesn't make it go away. As soon as you think you've said something that someone was offended by, try to correct it. If you and Ed do have a talk (#4 above), maybe end it with something like &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me about this. I know this isn't an easy this conversation, and I'm really grateful [warm smile]. I'm going to try to be more aware of what I say going forward. If I do step out of bounds accidentally, I hope you'll feel comfortable calling me on it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And hopefully he will. Immediately, and to your face (rather than behind your back to other coworkers). If he --- or anyone else --- does call you out in the future, be very careful about managing your reaction. Re-read &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/liz-joynt-sandberg/getting-better-at-getting_b_5607548.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;that article on getting called out&lt;/a&gt; every once in a while to keep those strategies fresh. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NB: Since you posted this on IPS and not on &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;Workplace&lt;/a&gt;, I am responding to this in terms of how you can mend your personal relationships at work (rather than how you can protect your job, maintain professionalism, avoid getting into trouble with HR, etc.). If you want help addressing the workplace side of this problem --- which admittedly is not what you asked --- you can ask another question there. I just wanted to mention that this is a problem with multiple facets, and my answer only deals with the IPS side of it (as did your question). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastEditorUserId="5144" LastEditDate="2018-03-05T15:41:54.537" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T15:41:54.537" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11401" CreationDate="2018-03-05T05:33:07.820" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk to the child first if you somewhat know the parents and child, or you don't see the parents around.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to be assertive and friendly. For example, say something like &quot;[Insert name of child], can I have my purse back? Thanks!&quot; Then, just immediately take back the purse into your lap without waiting for their response. If they push you out of the way, just tell them to get back in line. If they talk in a theatre, tell them to be quiet bc other people are listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Might seem kinda rude but it works, unless the kid is a real brat. In which case, just tell the parents you need your purse back from their kid. If they give you permission, just snatch it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk to the parents first if you don't know the parents or child.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Parents feel a bit wary if a stranger starts talking to their child without acknowledging the parents first. You can say something like &quot;Hey I'm sorry to bother you, but will you please tell your child to stop kicking the back of my seat/going through my purse/talking in the theater? It's a little uncomfortable and I'd appreciate if they stopped.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you've mentioned, usually the parents get embarrassed and tell their kid to stop. But if the kid's behavior persists, and it really is something that's bothering you, turn around and ask the parents to stop the kid. Yes, it feels a bit weird, but there's really no other way to stop this. After three incidents, just ask the kid to stop. After five incidents, call the staff and explain the situation, maybe they'll have a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Finally, just remember that sharing a public space means sharing it with all members of the public.&lt;/strong&gt; And that includes kids. And sometimes kids just cannot be controlled, no matter what you do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13224" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T05:33:07.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11411" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11482" CreationDate="2018-03-05T07:50:54.627" Score="8" ViewCount="6687" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm following this stack from the beginning but posting this anonymously was needed.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in my mid-twenties and with my girlfriend for more than 8 years now. We are from a western Europe country. We basically grow up together, we learned a lot through those years and we had amazing time. We lived at the same place for one year now and everything is fine from that side. During those years, we had some difficulties, she had some trust issues but it's fine by now. There is no issue to talk freely between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some time now, I feel that I can't commit myself more in this relation. She is the most important person in my life for sure, but I can't, without doubts, think of marrying, or having a baby or even buy a house with her. This feeling comes from the fact that I really know her, and I never had another significant relationship so I can't say that she is the one because I didn't try anything else. I had this on my mind for months now, and it seems that hidding this and pretending everything is fine changed my perfect relationship to a toxic one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm conscious that this specific problem is more intrapersonal but the question I would like to address is more about how I can tell her that, beside the fact that I really lover her, I don't feel secure to continue with her. Especially because I'm not sure that I have lived enough experiments to engage myself more. She is really sentimental and will probably fall from high. I would like to know what the best way to approach this whitout hurting her feelings that much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Goal&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to expose her what I currently feel for our relationship but I can't manage how to tell her that or even how to start the talk. I want her to understand what my struggle is without her focusing on the &quot;break up possibility&quot; because I know she would be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13792" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-03-05T08:47:53.657" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T16:16:10.923" Title="Best way to talk about my doubts with my girlfriend." Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="20" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11401" CreationDate="2018-03-05T08:40:58.413" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer to your question is highly dependent on context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example 1: Two of my best friends got married and now have two-year-old twins. I am &quot;auntie-in-honor&quot; to those twins. If I see them do something they should not do, I parent them. I know what their parents see as acceptable behavior (and acceptable consequences) and that this overlaps very widely with my own judgment of the situation. Also, I know that their parents are not offended by me parenting their kids. So: &lt;em&gt;Well known kids, well-known parents: Feel free to &quot;parent&quot; appropriately but stay in the parents' boundaries.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example 2: An about four-year-old boy in the bus opens my purse which is dangling from my shoulder and takes out my earphones. If a parent is reacting, fine. I will either get my stuff back and have my peace quickly or interact with the parent to resolve the situation. If nobody is reacting, I will calmly and friendly ask my stuff back and explain that I do not want them to do this. If they comply, fine, if not, I will have to escalate the situation in small steps, as I would with my own child. As soon as a parent reacts, I will swap to interact with the parent instead.&#xA;So: &lt;em&gt;unknown child, interact with parents if they already are involved in the situation. If nobody involves themselves, treat the child as you would your own (hopefully). As soon as a parent gets involved swap to interacting with them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It gets interesting with an unknown or little-known child where you know or can clearly identify the parent. Here, the maturity of the child is a factor for me. &lt;em&gt;If a child is very young, I would always interact with the parents.&lt;/em&gt; If they are kicking my seat clearly with the idea of annoying me, they are obviously &lt;em&gt;mature enough to understand&lt;/em&gt; I will be annoyed. Then I would &lt;em&gt;first (as the more mature person in a very friendly manner) interact with the child&lt;/em&gt;. In many cases, that resolves the situation much faster and without any fuzz. I get my peace, the child did not get in trouble. Only &lt;em&gt;if I would need to escalate, I will involve the parent instead&lt;/em&gt;. I get my peace, the parent gets to parent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T08:40:58.413" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11415" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-05T11:53:25.453" Score="88" ViewCount="21351" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I purposely made this question generally broad so that it can apply to more people in need of similar &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/2555/lets-talk-with-x-about-y-so-we-can-achieve-z&quot;&gt;interpersonal skills&lt;/a&gt;, but I can easily make it about a specific scenario if needed.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My whole life, people have put me on a &amp;quot;genius&amp;quot; pedestal, and while it was a fun ego-booster when I was a kid, today it's more of a curse than a blessing. I don't see myself as a genius, but others do. The problem with that, as you might imagine, is that they'll assume I have solutions and answers to a lot of their problems, even if I'm completely ignorant/indifferent to the subject. What makes matters worse is that often it's about something related to some subject I'm known to understand well. So when I try to address that I don't know about the matter, people sometimes become infuriated/frustrated as though I &amp;quot;don't want to help&amp;quot; or am doing it &amp;quot;grudgingly&amp;quot;. What they don't seem to understand is that &lt;strong&gt;I do want to help, I just don't know how&lt;/strong&gt;. I try to help when I know, and when I don't, but it's within my reach, I do look up how to help, but they see it as me &amp;quot;not wanting to share the knowledge that I have&amp;quot;. This usually happens in my family, but sometimes friends also have high expectations from me. Most of the time, the same people make such accusations multiple times, in spite of me telling them about my lack of knowledge for the Nth time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One example where this happens: I'm a full-time programmer, and also work on all sorts of computer-related projects in my spare time. However, I don't know a thing about hardware stats/brands, or how to do stuff on Facebook (I don't have a Facebook profile). Yet, people often respond with &amp;quot;how come you can do X, Y and Z on a computer but not know how to pick a piece of hardware?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;you know how to X but you don't know how to Y on Facebook? At least admit you don't want to help!&amp;quot;. Keep in mind that it's not that I don't &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to help them - be it a tech-related issue or otherwise. It's just that I &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; help them because I'm not informed enough on the subject. People asking me for help don't bother me - when I do know, I help however I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example (since the IT example got more attention than I actually intended): someone asks me about some math-related problem, or about a word, expression or sentence in English I've never seen before. If at any point I state that I don't know how to solve it or what it means, I'm met with accusations such as &amp;quot;of course you know, you studied English for N years&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;you're super smart, of course you can solve this simple problem&amp;quot;. The fact that I might know something relatively more complex makes it even hard to defend my case, because if I can solve this complex equation, then surely I can calculate this simple interest formula. &lt;strong&gt;I do look up solutions&lt;/strong&gt;, but even still it's frowned upon, as if I were &amp;quot;pretending not to know&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;excusing myself by grudgingly searching it&amp;quot;. The mentality is flawed on many levels and I fail to comprehend how one comes up with such notions, but that is already beyond the scope of this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I respond or act when accused of knowing something I don't, when admitting ignorance is not enough?&lt;/strong&gt; Ideally, I'd like to be able to assert to people that I am in fact ignorant on some subjects. If that proves to be too difficult, then minimizing conflicts against people's expectations would be my desired outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I have tried&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stating I don't know about the subject because I never looked into it:&lt;/strong&gt; doesn't work most of the time, will just get dismissed as me being &amp;quot;unwilling to help&amp;quot;;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stating that, while I don't know about it, I can look into it/see what I can do:&lt;/strong&gt; often will just result in an angry &amp;quot;if you're going to grudgingly do it then don't even bother&amp;quot;, which I don't know how to respond with, since I'm clearly showing willingness to help regardless of my knowledge of the subject;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pretending I know about the subject:&lt;/strong&gt; doesn't work, backfires easily, and I don't like lying;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Arguing with the person, trying to convince them I don't know everything:&lt;/strong&gt; doesn't work with some people, apparently I'm too smart not to know everything there is to know in this entire universe or something;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignoring the person accusing you of withholding knowledge:&lt;/strong&gt; works most of the time, but is just as stressful as arguing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people understand I might not know something, but still, some individuals (a couple of them easily come to mind) still cannot fathom how I might be ignorant about something I &amp;quot;obviously&amp;quot; should know about. I tried sarcasm, long and in-depth explanations, rudeness, or just outright playing deaf, but the problem keeps reoccurring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I'm adding a cultural background tag, but any approach is welcome at this point.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; There seems to be an ongoing theme in comments and answers advising me on how to avoid helping people, or how to have people help themselves, or how to ignore them. These would make (or have made) great questions, but it's not related to my issue: addressing people about a misconception they have about me, in that &amp;quot;if I know A then I must know B&amp;quot; when, in many cases, that is not true at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10317" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T06:40:48.917" Title="How to deal with someone who ignores your lack of knowledge?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;brazil&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="20" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11401" CreationDate="2018-03-05T13:03:30.820" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my book, you are doing things right: I'd address grievances directly with the child, preferably with the parent in hearing.  Children cannot wait with acquiring a working relationship with the rest of the world until they are grown up: the variety of conflicting interests is large enough that it does not make sense prefiltering them through their parents' views first or they will consider most sensitivities the problem of the victim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's still good if they have the parents around for a second opinion or more explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now some people can be obnoxious about being made aware of anything concerning their responsibilities.  Dealing with that additional fallout can render the whole interaction quite more unpleasant than bargained for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it is not certain that you'll fare better with &quot;please make your child stop $x&quot; than telling the child &quot;please stop $x because it is rude and annoying to me&quot;.  In my culture, the latter would more likely make the parent discipline the child than the caller, but you cannot depend on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13803" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T13:03:30.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11197" CreationDate="2018-03-05T13:31:16.887" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) How to tell these kind of people to explain in English instead of&#xA;German, without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) How can I turn the conversation to English without facing unkind&#xA;responses?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Play dumb.&lt;/strong&gt; I speak a limited German, developed through having children with a German.  My spouse is a terrible teacher and at some point I gave up on mastering German grammar, but my pronunciation is misleadingly good.  With strangers I make a point of speaking slowing and simply, so they won't overestimate my level and ability to understand them.  Using eye contact and gestures helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Negotiate.&lt;/strong&gt;  Example from a one-on-one conversation initiated by me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ich spreche ein Bisschen Deutsch.  (&lt;em&gt;I speak a little bit of German.&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Big pause at this point, to allow the person to jump in and offer to speak English.  If not:]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sprechen Sie Englisch? (&lt;em&gt;Do you speak English?&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Check for understanding&lt;/strong&gt;, first in German and then in English.  Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ich habe ein Bisschen verstanden. (&lt;em&gt;I understood a little bit.&lt;/em&gt;) Du meinst vielleicht, man soll warten bis das Chef entscheidet?  Are you saying, one must wait until the supervisor decides?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rinse and repeat as many times as necessary -- this will be painful but it will be painful for both parties!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get the topic&lt;/strong&gt; in group discussions. I learned this from a Coping Skills for the Hearing Impaired class.  Best of all is if a language buddy feeds you the topics as they change during a group conversation, but if you're on your own:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Entschuldigung.  Was ist das Theme nun?  Ist das etwas von Weltmeisterschaft?  Welcher spieler meinst du, bitte? (&lt;em&gt;Excuse me.  What's the topic now?  Is it the World Cup?  Which player are you talking about, please?&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone helps you out, make sure to nod and say thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Codeswitch&lt;/strong&gt;, accidentally on purpose.  Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dieser Drucker ist down?  (&lt;em&gt;This printer is down?&lt;/em&gt;) Do we know when it will be back up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Control the flow of the conversation&lt;/strong&gt; by asking a question.  Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Was ist dein lieblings Restaurant?  (&lt;em&gt;What's your favorite restaurant?&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the side benefit, you get the person talking about himself, which tends to go over well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T13:31:16.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T14:12:02.210" Score="82" Body="&lt;p&gt;For those of us who work in IT, this is a pretty common curse.  I know mainframe operators who get asked to look at PCs, I see IT security guys who get asked about databases, and I know of Desktop Support folks who get asked all kinds of web programming questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind the knowledge level of those folks asking you - they know next to nothing, so in their eyes you must know the answer since you obviously know more than they do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd submit that if people get really stubborn about your helping them after you say &quot;no&quot;, then you're not the one with the IPS problem - it's them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your first answer is the one I usually go to.  &quot;Sorry, that's not my field of expertise.&quot;  I may get asked &quot;but don't you work with computers?&quot;, to which I say &quot;I use one on a daily basis, but I'm not involved in doing that.  I do something completely different.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if people want to accuse you of being unhelpful, I'd suggest turning that on its head.  &quot;You're right; I don't want to help.  I don't want to take on supporting home computers.&quot;  Lay it out there, own it, and don't let yourself be forced into the position of defending yourself. Some &quot;friends&quot; or family may try to guilt you into doing this, but sticking to your guns and refusing the guilt will, in the long run, help you.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T14:12:02.210" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11420" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T14:33:45.300" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I have the same problem. I am a biologist. People happen to ask me all sort of things about health (but I've never worked on humans) or their plants (but I'm a zoologist). Lots of times I have no clue about the death of their geranium. So I came up with this solution: when people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them that I study &lt;em&gt;a specific aspect of clams&lt;/em&gt;. I never mention being a biologist, even if it's implicit. This sends the message that biology is a huge field. They won't refrain from asking me about that weird behaviour of their goldfish, but they won't expect a full answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the beginning of our interaction, my friends (and the people that ask you for technical support) place themselves at the stage of &lt;strong&gt;&quot;unconscious incompetence&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; in the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_stages_of_competence&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;four stages of knowledge&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The individual does not understand or know how to do something and does not necessarily recognize the deficit. [...] The individual must recognize their own incompetence, and the value of the new skill, before moving on to the next stage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They just &lt;em&gt;do not know&lt;/em&gt; that being an expert in &lt;em&gt;computers as a whole&lt;/em&gt; is not a common thing - not even in IT environments. They probably equate it to being expert in washing machines or toasters or whatever appliance. To get out of this incomprehension and step to the following stage, which is &lt;strong&gt;&quot;conscious incompetence&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, they have to realize what you do for a living. So &lt;strong&gt;bargain some explanatory time&lt;/strong&gt; before starting helping them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alright, I'll try and help you. First of all, however, I need you to listen to me for two minutes, okay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can &lt;strong&gt;explain to them in simple words which &quot;computer part&quot; your work is about&lt;/strong&gt;, using comparisons you know they will understand. You can choose to make it a bit lengthier, to get them the feeling of the complexity of the subject, but don't be condescending, as it would backfire:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, this is your PC. It is composed of the &quot;body&quot;, which is the hardware, and the &quot;soul&quot;, which is the software. I work with softwares. Some people deal with the body, some with the soul. You wouldn't go to a dermatologist to get psychotherapy, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(Well, this is just a crummy example, I'm sure you will come up with a better one...)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now state that you're not the one they're looking for, but that you'll be glad to help to the extent you can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In your case, you would need a &quot;dermatologist&quot;, while I'm a &quot;psychologist&quot;. What I can do is look for a solution with you. Did you try googling {X}?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach takes time, but if the people asking for help are always the same, it could be worth it. A shorter version of it is referring directly to their work for comparison (&quot;I can't help much. Could you help me if I asked you for {Y - somehow related to their work but not really}?&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the couple of people who insist that you &quot;obviously should know&quot; about their problem... then the problem lies in them, not in you. Besides not understanding your work (inconscious incompetence here as well), they are not willing to simply &lt;em&gt;believe&lt;/em&gt; you. A paradigm shift is needed here: ask them &lt;strong&gt;why are they doubting of your good will&lt;/strong&gt; and then why do they keep coming to you asking for help if they're persuaded that you just don't want to help them. Challenge them into asking which would be the reasons for you to lie. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it helps, if they come up with a problem (not necessarily IT-related) and you don't feel like helping them, be honest and simply tell them that. You will be able to refer to that situation and your answer when they will call you out again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T15:50:37.867" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T15:50:37.867" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11421" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T14:42:05.257" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;My usual tactic is to simply state my ignorance, then ask them to teach me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've never looked closely at that, so I don't know what to do.  What have you already found out/done/researched?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking them simple questions (and following them up with other simple/ignorant questions) 1) you learn something, 2) by acting interested you display that you aren't just blowing them off, but are actually uninformed, and 3) you may help them solve their own problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, rather than trying to solve it for them, I'll provide what little information or experience I have, if any, and then apply generic problem solving skills.  Ask them what they're trying to achieve, what's important (cost/quality/speed), etc.  This is a discussion you can have using your problem solving skills without having experience in the field they're asking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then consider advising them for additional routes they may have overlooked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a business that does this?  A user group or networking event that might have some insight? Have you looked at online resources?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this way &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you can help them without providing the answer, which you don't have, for them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you clearly demonstrate your knowledge and its limits.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you provide them with all the information/experience you actually do have.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;your thoughts on matters you have no experience in are actually valuable to others.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the last point bears repeating.  I've found that myself and many others are approached not just for what they know, but for their skills at analysis and synthesis.  The ability to comprehend a new subject, integrate it with existing knowledge, and providing new paths and opportunities for exploration (ie, the oft maligned word &quot;synergy&quot;) gives people who are blocked paths forward even if you don't provide an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than treating it as them requiring you to know something you don't know, treat it as an opportunity for you to 1) learn and 2) help them use your problem solving skills.  Pretend you actually needed to solve the problem they're solving - what would you do next?  Give them a path forward, not a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phrases you might hear from me when I don't know something:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That seems like a hard problem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have you talked to [name]? They might know someone who knows about this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I haven't had to deal with that, but it sounds similar to [subject] - can you tell me the differences?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'll see what I can find out.  (then &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt; do a google search, and email them the most relevant results - no more than 5-15 minutes of work at most)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T14:42:05.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11422" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T15:00:27.890" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that may help is to to put these iterations in a different perspective. You're assuming that phrases like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;how come you can do X, Y and Z on a computer but not know how to pick a piece of hardware?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;you know how to X but you don't know how to Y on Facebook? At least admit you don't want to help!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;are legitimate questions about your competency set. They may not necessarily be: the interloper may be attempting to coax you into helping them despite your initial rebuttal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you are gifted in some aspects may be completely irrelevant in this scenario - or perhaps it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; relevant, but jut not in the way you would expect: it may be used as leverage &lt;em&gt;against&lt;/em&gt; your initial reluctance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A valid comeback, in this case, is to both admit ignorance and willingness to learn/help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I have no idea how to do this on Facebook - I don't even have an account. But sure, I can [look together / google about / search on StackOverflow] with you and learn. Have a couple minutes?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2944" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T15:00:27.890" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T15:24:17.413" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that you've tried sarcasm.  I know from experience that that tends not to go over well.  Have you tried humor?  Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There's a joke about this.  How many software engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  [Pause to let the person think about it.]  Can't be done -- that's a hardware problem!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not a real computer technician, although I play one on TV.  [Based on a television ad in the US from about 40 years ago, when a soap opera star started his pitch with, &quot;I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV.&quot;]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not at all sure these would work in the Brazilian cultural context, but hopefully you could find something that would work there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T15:24:17.413" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11424" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11463" CreationDate="2018-03-05T15:36:28.137" Score="2" ViewCount="437" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a mixed group of friends from different countries (JP, CH, US.) I found it difficult to keep the conversation when inviting them to my house (I live in the U.S.) Certain people do not like me to speak English with them and they will not respond. Other people do not like me to speak my native language for obvious reason. I try to hang out with them in different sessions but can't avoid some occasions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the proper way to handle this situation if you are an English speaker and non-English speaker? How to switch multiple languages in one conversation casually?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13809" LastEditorUserId="13809" LastEditDate="2018-03-05T16:10:30.550" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T07:04:20.673" Title="How to switch conversation from language to language in peers?" Tags="&lt;language&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11401" CreationDate="2018-03-05T15:39:51.753" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;How about both ?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not tell both the parents and the child at the same time that this behaviour bothers you and that you would like it to stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You look at the child, then at the parents and state&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm sorry but I don't allow people to run through my purse like that.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Getting the back of your seat kicked is very uncomfortable and I would appreciate it if that didn't happen to me for the rest of the movie. Thank you.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you proceed to get your purse back or watch your movie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T15:39:51.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11426" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T15:40:05.227" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who have dealt with similar issues (mainly from family members) and who also from Brasil, let me add a different perspective to your problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I respond or act when faced with such accusations when admitting ignorance is not enough?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering you went through all the basic, common-sense steps to state your ignorance in the specific issue, and even offered to help look for an answer, the way to deal with might actually be just &lt;strong&gt;admitting that you can't please everyone&lt;/strong&gt; and leave them be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have always had a large set of abilities and therefore was always required to help family members with different things. In my case specifically, the more I gave the more they wanted --  and at some point I was drowning in tasks to fulfil everyone's necessities. &#xA;I had to set boundaries and it was a long and hard process for people to disassociate me as the first idea that came to mind to fix their needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing here was to understand that &lt;strong&gt;external validation was important to me&lt;/strong&gt; and for that very reason it was &lt;strong&gt;keeping me hostage&lt;/strong&gt; of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, regarding this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;will just get dismissed as me being &quot;unwilling to help&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could ask yourself if the person has any other reason to doubt you're willing to help. Maybe there was some misunderstanding earlier that might lead them to think that. If that's the case, you might try to address the issue at some point to clear things up and see if the behaviour changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6479" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T15:40:05.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11424" CreationDate="2018-03-05T15:58:27.297" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that in the unavoidable and not ideal occasions where all those people are present, you assume a more passive position as the interlocutor, addressing each person after they have already said something, with the same language they used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That makes it easier for you to switch languages while keeping the flow of conversation and also demonstrates respect and consideration for all parts involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the group dissipates and you're left with people who can share the same language, then you can be more active on the topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6479" LastEditorUserId="6479" LastEditDate="2018-03-05T16:27:13.770" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T16:27:13.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9581" CreationDate="2018-03-05T16:32:01.217" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're all his colleagues who possibly have much more experience in the field than he has. Instead of trying to directly come to him and speak about the way he looks, ask him or lead onto the conversation of how he can improve in the business. Before pointing out anything about the way he looks, analyse the way he approaches customers and let him know how he could improve that. This would make it much easier for you to then lead on to how he looks. Its not a lie that first impressions are everything. You don't need to say he looks like a hobo, you can say that clear and visible face are helpful when making contact with the customer, as facial expressions are much easier to make out therefore not making the customer feel uneasy or unable to see good intentions from his side. Say that it would help him to brush people well if he shaved and cut his hair so that he has a clean and tidy look.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I honestly believe Bob doesn't want to be a daily eye burden to you all. You are doing him a favour if you tell him since all of you think this. I'd hate to be working in a place where everyone secretly thinks something could be improved to make me a better employee, but no one ever says anything. Probably Bob will notice this, but what will make it worse is that he would still not know the cause for those weird eyes unless someone says something. We are animals, we have intuition, but we not mind readers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13816" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T16:32:01.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11431" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-05T17:38:15.710" Score="22" ViewCount="16529" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't stand &quot;cutesy voice&quot;. That is, people who put on a high pitched squeal when they talk, who choose to say things like &quot;wuv&quot; over &quot;love&quot; or say things that are dark in a cute way. It's made worse if these people act as though &lt;em&gt;they always speak this way&lt;/em&gt; when they don't, or they affect the mannerisms of an anime or something. Generally I just tolerate it because I choose not to be in the company of someone who's willing to infantalize themselves just because, but I always think of those people as dumb, even if they aren't. I am a generally easy-going, relaxed person. I do not get physical often, and I communicate my feelings when I feel comfortable doing so. (For context, I grew up in a place where physical violence is a common although looked down upon occurrence. I'm also a small female, and I am stressing that I didn't want to get physical because I'm accustomed to things like this becoming quite physical for no reason.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other day I was out with a friend of mine who is an artist, helping set up/sell her items. She was set up next to a woman who wasn't selling as much. This woman was talking, constantly, in &quot;cutesy voice&quot;. And I know that this is not &quot;just the way she speaks&quot; because she didn't always speak that way, she just lapsed in and out of it. She put on the voice with customers, or when she was asking for unreasonable favors and almost always followed up with a high pitched laugh that was also being faked. Sometimes she would have a full on conversation in her normal voice and then go &quot;Oops! Teeheehee! I'm so silly-willy!&quot; and switch to cutesy voice. It didn't seem like she was doing it because she was being forced to, and it did seem like she had to remind herself to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked her at the time if she could stop doing it. I don't remember the exact phrasing, but it was along the lines of, &quot;Do you mind not talking to me like that, please?&quot; She responded by agreeing to stop, and then she would maybe go one line without the voice. Then she would go, &quot;Oops!&quot; And go back to cutesy voice. I also ignored her, but the set up of the event means that artists get called away a lot. We do have to talk to each other (&quot;can you watch my table,&quot; &quot;can you get lunch for me&quot; &quot;I'm going to the bathroom&quot; etc.&quot;). My friend is called away fairly often because she does a lot of work with the organizers. So often, I'm at the table alone. I like working at this event, so I want to resolve this without leaving the event completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not bothered by her talking to her customers this way but she will often &quot;forget&quot; I asked her to not use cutsey voice to me after talking with a customer. I sort of can forgive that, except that yesterday she barely sold anything. She would still go back to cutesy voice even though there was no reason to &quot;reset&quot; back to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just dealt with it by ignoring her or only answering questions that weren't in cutesy voice, but at the end of the day I had a physical hatred towards this woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My hatred of cutesy voice &lt;em&gt;does not mean&lt;/em&gt; that I don't want people to use it. I mean I don't, obviously, but they don't &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to care about my opinion. However I would like to not reach a point where I hate someone because they use that voice, I feel like that's a bit unfair. I do want to somehow tell them to cut it out when they're talking to me. It's awkward and patronizing and traps me in a conversation I don't want to have. I'm not sure if I can politely say to someone like this to not address me that way without being rude. I have no idea how to breach this topic with people who talk to me like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; high chance that my friend will need help and I have to talk to this particular woman again and I just want to be able to tell her to stop doing it so that I don't spend the rest of my day hating someone who isn't doing anything but getting on my nerves and tapping into my pet peeve. &lt;strong&gt;How can I tell someone not to talk to me using a voice they're putting on that annoys me?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I accidentally edited this out but: when my friend was at the table and was talking with this woman, I often had to walk away. Also, there were times when she made unreasonable requests, like that we buy her lunch or that we just leave the table-- she would always request this in cutesy voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12439" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T19:36:01.663" LastActivityDate="2018-12-22T18:06:24.263" Title="How can I tell someone I don't like the way they speak?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11431" CreationDate="2018-03-05T17:46:22.313" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;That style of communication is indeed anything but cute in an adult. It communicates that the person in question is either not taking your interaction seriously, or is utterly immature. It might fly in some sort of roleplay setup, but not during day to day interactions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a very simple way of asking people who take this approach to stop doing it when interacting with you, however:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but when you talk like that I feel like you're not taking our conversation seriously at all. Would you mind dropping the act?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rephrase it to account for personal style, and away you go. If the behavior continues you can escalate by .. being a little more direct:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, I find the cutesy voices incredibly irritating. We're going to be here all day long, so for the sake of my sanity could you please speak to me like an adult? I'd really appreciate it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've been clear in your requests that she stop her behavior yet she persists in speaking in that manner, then the only real recourse you have is to stop interacting with her. I would put her on notice that you will now cease answering her, and why, such that she understands that you've escalated your response to her act:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was very clear in my requests that you not speak to me in this manner. I'm afraid that your continued use of these funny voices has lead to me not wanting to interact with you anymore. Have a good day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-03-05T18:26:00.243" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T18:26:00.243" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11433" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11431" CreationDate="2018-03-05T18:08:45.970" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have a good sense of what to do, actually:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If possible, just disengage. If someone annoys you, just don't interact with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're forced to interact with them, be honest about your feelings and let them know their behavior bothers you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you feel like you're losing control, give yourself space right away.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're already doing all of those things, which is spot-on. Well done. In most scenarios, the above strategies would take care of the problem quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So why didn't this work with the person you were talking to?&lt;/strong&gt; My guess is that she saw the fact that she was annoying you as playful teasing. That would explain her doubling down when you confronted her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...I said, exasperated, &amp;quot;How old are you?&amp;quot; And she giggled and said, &amp;quot;Oh noes~ I can't teww you dat~ I's only this many~ (holds up 7 fingers)) don't teww anyone~&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she feels like the two of you are playing a game, then her annoying you is all part of the fun. The more annoyed you are, the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to adapt #2 above for someone like this person, who is exceptionally insensitive to your signaling&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat, several times, that you want her to stop. She may need to hear you say &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; several times before she realizes you mean it. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you please not talk like that? I find it really irritating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[she responds with more cutesy talk]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously. Stop. [Make eye contact, and don't smile while you say this. Continue to stare at her, unsmiling, until she backs down.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[If she starts it up again later, call her on it immediately:] I'm serious. I can't stand it when you talk like that. Please don't do it.  [Repeat as necessary.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this is a much firmer approach than would be appropriate with most people. The reason I'm advocating this authoritarian tone is that she clearly didn't respond to your more normal requests in your first interaction with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that if this is a habit of hers, she might slip into it without thinking --- you need to cut her a bit of slack and not blow up if she agrees to stop but then starts again later. Just cooly remind her it irritates you and ask her again to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Final note:&lt;/strong&gt; You point out in your question that you know you can't control her behavior. She's going to do what she's going to do. You can tell her how you feel and let her know what you want, but that's as far as you can take it. If she really doesn't care how her behavior affects you, there might be no way to convince her to stop talking like that. No matter what, blowing up at her (physically or verbally) won't help and could do serious harm. Your instinct to get away from her if you feel violent is a good one. Stick with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5144" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T18:08:45.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11431" CreationDate="2018-03-05T18:23:14.253" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;People do things when they get results they want.  When they don't get results, they stop doing them and do something else.  Obviously she's learned that she can get what she wants by talking like that, so you have your work cut out for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@andreiROM has what I think is a really good starting point.  However, I'd be more firm in my response.  Rather than asking her to stop, I'd start from the same point:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;This tone makes me think that you aren't taking the conversation seriously.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When that fails to get the desired result, however, then I would change my tactic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, I don't respond to childish/cutesy/little girlish voices, unless it's from my daughter.  And then I make her stop it.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your challenge is that she's used to getting what she wants from this behavior, so there's a lot of conditioning you are competing against.  You can't make her change her overall actions, but you might be able to get her to change her action to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More importantly, you can change YOUR reaction to her.  Being annoyed is one option.  If you're stuck being next to her at a show all day, and only sporadically interact with her, there's not a lot you can do to make her change because you're an inactive participant - you can only listen in and don't have much impact on her interactions with others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it really is annoying to you, I'd suggest that maybe less help for your friend may be the way you have to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'd love to help you - I can help set up and tear down.  But I can't listen to Betsy Wetsy all day - that's like rubbing a cheese grater on my knuckles for the entire period I'm there.  If she won't be next to you perhaps I can be there part of the day.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="5424" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T20:16:24.060" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T20:16:24.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11401" CreationDate="2018-03-05T18:33:13.260" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have two questions in your post so for your first Question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What's the best method to get a youngish child (under 8) to quit doing&#xA;  something to me with a minimum of fuss?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) Use direct language to correct tell the child their behavior is inappropriate.&lt;/strong&gt;  (from your examples in your question you already seem to have this part down.  Good job)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) kneel down so that you are on the child's eye level.&lt;/strong&gt; This change of body posture will help show that even though you are correcting the behavior, your not a threat.  I've found with my own kids that this helps them &quot;hear&quot; me better.  Something about being on the child's level helps them pay more attention to you and what your saying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3)  Do not sound angry.  It's Ok to sound stern&lt;/strong&gt; in fact some kids won't respond unless you do sound stern.  But an angry tone of void will risk setting off alarms for extra sensitive parents or standers by.  It sound like you have this one down as well.  But it may be use full to look up some video/audio clips of people sounding stern vs angry just in case your tone of voice could use a little adjustment.  Though frankly I've found that there is always some one who will think your being to harsh when disciplining a child. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4)When they correct the behavior Thank them.&lt;/strong&gt;    Every one loves to be appreciated.   And this ends the interaction on a positive note.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your second question you ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what's a response that will quickly shut down the &quot;don't parent&#xA;  someone else's kid&quot; complaint?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above steps, while directed to the child should help with parents or standers by who would otherwise balk at the appearance of you &quot;getting mad&quot;  (in their eyes) at a child.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However if you still get a parent or other person complaining to you.  Just respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm not parenting I'm setting boundaries about how this person can behave with me(my purse)(my personal space)etc. . . &quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you could also simplify it and say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm not parenting I'm telling him not to be rude (protecting my purse)(protecting my place in line)etc. . &quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This explains simply and directly that A) your not parenting (that's a life long commitment).  B) you have a right to request/enforce boundaries regarding your person, space, and possessions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T18:33:13.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11437" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-05T19:12:45.217" Score="3" ViewCount="414" Body="&lt;p&gt;Body odour can be offensive. Some people appear to be oblivious the the fact that their BO lingers even after they leave a room. It's not like they're just getting out of the gym or anything, they're showing up at social function dressed up and smelling bad. How do you approach someone and tell them, &quot;Hey, you're cool, but everyone thinks you stink, and talks about it behind your back. You should probably try doing something about that...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13823" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T19:39:23.530" Title="How do you politely tell someone they smell bad?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-03-05T21:41:18.353" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11438" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11444" CreationDate="2018-03-05T19:15:02.677" Score="3" ViewCount="743" Body="&lt;p&gt;My workplace subscribes to a startup mentality and our seating is made up of long double-sided tables that are each five &quot;desk&quot; pieces locked together end-to-end. Anyone is free to sit where they like and move chairs around as desired. As an introvert and someone used to a lot of elbow room, I find putting five people on each side perfectly reasonable as there's nearly enough room to spread your arms out and not touch your neighbor doing the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, many of my coworkers will scoot multiple chairs into one &quot;desk&quot; area, often spilling over into my section. I will shamefully admit to attempting to mitigate this by both staking claim on an end to at least free up one side, as well as getting in early and moving any extra chairs on my side back where they belong (and possibly pushing my neighbor's chair to dead center of their section and out of mine before they get in). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works well enough in a preventative manner, but sometimes I get in later and someone's already settled halfway over into my section, or someone will come over to consult with my neighbor, pull up a chair, and suddenly be halfway into my space. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As much as I recognize how silly this is on the surface, &lt;strong&gt;I find having someone sitting that close insanely distracting. I'd like to say something to ask if they wouldn't mind moving down a foot or so&lt;/strong&gt; but I don't want to come across as rude or antisocial. I'm asking here first because I don't even know if this is reasonable to ask for, or if I should just suck it up and deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My workplace is fairly casual and I do joke around with my coworkers a lot, but almost everyone is my senior in both age and experience. I do not share a boss with any of them and on top of that our hierarchy isn't one where I'd want to bring this up to an authority figure. I'd rather just hash it out with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarification from the comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The person sitting next to me could be any of a number of coworkers and vary from &quot;I see them daily&quot; to &quot;internationally-based coworker who comes in once every 6 months for a company event&quot;. My level of acquaintance with them similarly varies from &quot;very friendly&quot; to &quot;polite nod in the hallway&quot;. I'm looking for a polite way to request more elbow room that would work for any of these scenarios.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There's enough room for everyone to take a desk (there's two of these long tables, plus conference rooms if people need to group up). Others are just more social than I and/or seemingly need less elbow room and would prefer to clump up, or will come over for a question and then not go back to their original seat for ages.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4407" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:36:27.073" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T19:36:27.073" Title="Polite way to request more &quot;elbow room&quot; in open-plan office?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;personal-space&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T19:19:18.887" Score="4" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell the truth:  &#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I wish I knew, but I don't specialize in that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Pass the baton, or buck:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, ask Jones, he knows about hardware.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...or if there is no &lt;em&gt;Jones&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm useless with hardware, and my friends aren't hardware experts either.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...or perhaps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm useless with hardware, Jones is great, but we just don't get along...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be insulted, (&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/11415/how-to-deal-with-someone-who-ignores-your-lack-of-knowledge#comment45539_11423&quot;&gt;as &lt;em&gt;JoelFan&lt;/em&gt; suggested&lt;/a&gt;), in the &lt;a href=&quot;http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ImADoctorNotAPlaceholder&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dr. McCoy&#xA;style&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm an Intercal programmer, not an electronics technician!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or, compare it to spoken languages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I don't know, for me this is just like touring America and meeting a nice lady who's surprised I don't speak Spanish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6628" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T19:19:18.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T19:23:17.340" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;tl;dr&lt;/em&gt;-&lt;/strong&gt;  If someone thinks that being smart means that you know everything, then simply directly addressing that misconception can be a long-term solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them that you're stupid and that there's a ton of stuff you don't know.  And if they object, accusing you of being a genius, that's a charge you can accept to whatever extent it might be true; there's no contradiction in being a genius and being stupid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that strikes them as unintuitive, then it can help to talk about the limits of human intelligence.  No genius who has ever lived knows everything; the very brightest humans are still quite limited.  Even humanity, collectively, is quite ignorant to a lot of basic stuff (&lt;a href=&quot;https://xkcd.com/1867/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Physics Confession&quot;&lt;/a&gt;, xkcd).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a sad example, we'd have a lot better remedies for cancer right now if we weren't so freakin' stupid.  Lots of good, innocent people are dying horribly &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; us humans are so stupid.  And there're probably some simple-enough solutions in a lot of cases; we just don't know them yet, despite our continuing best efforts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, if you're a genuine smartie pants and don't know how to answer their literal question, then the next best thing you can give 'em is guidance.  Advise them on next steps; perhaps you know someone else that they might ask, or simply how they might go about finding the information.  Even if it's obvious to you, sometimes even simple things like crafting a good Google query isn't something everyone's good at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they assume &lt;em&gt;being-smart&lt;/em&gt;==&lt;em&gt;knowing-everything&lt;/em&gt;, discuss that misconception with 'em 'til they're tired of hearing about it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to point them in the right direction if they're unsure how to do it themself.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1563" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T19:23:17.340" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11441" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T19:37:03.277" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having read all the solutions you have admittedly tried and failed at, and recognizing that it's an exhaustive list any normal person could come up with, it occurred to me that it's possible that the actual problem is not really &quot;in&quot; your question. And while the problem you are describing is rather famous and had happened to many people (especially in IT), it seems to me that the real issue however is still &quot;behind the scenes&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And while people around you are willing to believe that you &quot;know everything&quot; to their own benefit (which is: you solving their problems), they don't really respect you as an individual. Sadly but true, good and selfless people are often taken advantage of, which is somewhat confirmed by you admitting to always wanting to help. So the harsh truth is that people have been using you to solve their problems and all their accusations and indignations are only aimed at getting what they want, regardless of how it makes you feel and whether they themselves realize it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wrong thing to take from all this would be &quot;I need to make people respect me&quot;. You cannot control what people think or how they feel about you. That is exactly how you've got yourself into this problem in the first place: by trying to &quot;minimize conflicts against people's expectations&quot; and worrying that you might be perceived as &quot;unwilling to help&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The actual thing to do here is to learn to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;respect yourself&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Respect your own knowledge, opinion, time and effort required to help others. And as hard as it may be to the selfless person, you need to realize that you are not really obligated to help anyone regardless of your ability to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And while all this might be a bit harsh and not so easy to achieve, if you once again find yourself being accused of &quot;unwillingness to help&quot;, ask the person who's doing the accusing whether they actually respect you and your opinion, and if so how come they are calling you a liar. And while this definitely not going to help you to avert conflict, remember that trying to avert conflict and being afraid to offend someone is most likely how you've gotten yourself in your current predicament.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13691" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T19:37:03.277" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11437" CreationDate="2018-03-05T19:39:23.530" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This information should be delivered, one on one, by somebody who is responsible for coaching that person in life.  Good examples are a teacher, a boss or a parent (depending on the person's age).  If you know one of those people in their life, talk to them about if they've noticed it and are willing to chat with them about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter who it comes from, it will be embarrassing.  But they're more likely to take it in stride if it comes from the right person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are that person, approach this the way you would want somebody to approach you, if you smelled bad.  This conversation needs to not have any emotion, and take at most 30 seconds, unless they ask follow up questions.  &quot;Have you showered today and are you using deodorant?  We need to work on your image.&quot;  You don't need a 30 min drawn out discussion on it.  That will make it worse and they'll resent you for it. Make it quick and painless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will probably need to bring it up multiple times (ex. the next week or the week after).  Grooming is a habit and habits are hard to change.  Imagine it was something like chewing on their nails.  They're going to want to change, then forget about it and not think it's important. Help them succeed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13824" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T19:39:23.530" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T19:47:21.650" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a very similar question was already answered elsewhere on this site but I can't find it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, this problem crops of very often with many different topics for me. My usual solution is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to see if I really don't know anything. Often I have a hunch or idea that I'll communicate. When there is nothing to tell, I will say that &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;this is not my area of knowledge&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I haven't done this before &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not experienced enough to answer/do this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Assuming you declined in step one, they are likely frustrated, which seems to be the core problem in your question. Therefore, you should offer them some other &quot;solution&quot; to not let them down entirely. Tell them how you would proceed if you were in their place:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;try to search (for X) on Google&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ask Betty, shes good at that stuff&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;just buy a new one, they are cheap these days ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Somehow this strategy has allowed me to retain my nimbus while still allowing for actually answering &quot;I don't know&quot;.&#xA;I think the fact that I often can offer a hunch softens the blow when I am of no help at all. People will sense if you are honestly trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8959" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T19:47:21.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11444" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11438" CreationDate="2018-03-05T20:19:05.337" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;My team is moving into new space soon that's going to be set up in rows.  Individual spaces are assigned and there will be short dividers between the desks, so it's not exactly your situation, but I have the same &lt;em&gt;cringe&lt;/em&gt; reaction to somebody practically breathing down my neck, so I'll share how I'm approaching it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and most importantly, when I talk about this I characterize it as &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; problem, not &lt;em&gt;theirs&lt;/em&gt;.  It's not that they're sitting too close; it's that &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; find it very hard to focus without a little space.  Treat the conversation as if you are &lt;em&gt;asking for an accommodation&lt;/em&gt; (because really, you are).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, figure out who you need to talk with and do it privately and one on one.  In my case I talked with the manager (not my manager, another team's) who is coordinating the move, apologized for the inconvenience, and asked for what I needed.  In my case that was a particular desk and that some of the dividers be taller, which he was able to do.  In your case it's not always the same person crowding you and there's nobody really in charge, but you can start with one person who &lt;em&gt;often&lt;/em&gt; crowds you.  Getting that person to stop crowding you is a good outcome, but the &lt;em&gt;better&lt;/em&gt; outcome that you might get is for that person to start influencing others.  For example, if that person is next to you and someone else comes to sit with him, he might encourage that person to sit on the other side, or he might slide over, or something like that.  I saw something similar work for a coworker whose desk was right behind the printer, but there was a cubicle wall so people at the printer didn't actually see her.  She talked with people one at a time about moving conversations from the printer to a nearby conference room, and then those people started proactively moving conversations, which educated the people they were talking with, who started moving...  you get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say something like the following (again, privately):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, I was wondering if you could help me with something.  I have a lot of trouble focusing on my work when I feel crowded in, which is why I always try to grab that spot at the end.  I'm a little embarrassed that I can't seem to fix my problem, but I guess it's just how I'm wired or something.  When you're sitting next to me, could you try to use your desk and not slide over into mine?  I really appreciate the help, and I'm sorry for the inconvenience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use this approach with any of the regulars.  For infrequent visitors, your choices are to either grin and bear it for one day, move if you can, or ask that person to move over.  This last might be harder to do since you don't know the person as well as your regular coworkers.  That might be a good day to grab a conference room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T20:19:05.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11438" CreationDate="2018-03-05T20:45:04.347" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd opt for the &quot;live on stage&quot; approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's suppose you are working, and your colleague in the next seat is having a quick meeting with another colleague. It would be normal for them to talk, perhaps think out loud, point at the screen, exchange ideas, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously this completely nukes your productivity. So, you can simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Listen, I'm having trouble with this seating arrangement, you guys are talking about interesting stuff so I began to listen and now I can't concentrate on my work.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not blaming them, you're criticizing the seating arrangement. Most likely they would agree, as they have been disturbed by other colleagues too. This should be the start of a discussion where you figure out a solution involving them, hopefully it will be a compromise that suits everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T20:45:04.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T22:59:27.707" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are a successful professional programmer, then you have some useful generic skills. You are good at systematic problem solving, and you are good at discovering the information needed to enable problem solving. These skills are far more transferable that you seem to imagine. People who really struggle with the basics of using a computer usually do so, in my experience, because they lack these generic skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't pretend that you can't help people. If you choose to, you can. They may of course lose confidence in you when they realise that you don't already know the answer and will have to work it out, but the fact is that given sufficient patience on both sides, you will solve the problem quicker than they will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, it may well be that fixing someone's email connection isn't how you want to spend your spare time. If so, you should be able to explain that to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1660" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T22:59:27.707" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11448" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-05T23:01:35.773" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like they're being mentally lazy. They understand that you haven't used Facebook before, but they want you to investigate their problem, figure out a solution, and implement it. If that means you have to learn all about Facebook from scratch, then so be it. If you put in that level of effort, then they figure you can fix the problem. And they're probably right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They feel entitled to get that level of help from you for nothing, which is why they get mad when you refuse with claims of ignorance. But they don't want to come out and say &quot;learn all about my stuff so you can fix it&quot;, because that makes them look selfish and demanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why insisting that you don't know how to fix their problem doesn't work. They believe you, but want you to try anyway, teaching yourself how in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My response would be: &quot;I am not your lackey. My free time is worth something too. I don't mind helping you when it's something I know how to do, but I'm not going to learn all about your problem for you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect a response like &quot;But you could do it so easily&quot; or &quot;You're so much better at this than me.&quot; Especially if they're used to getting help from you on subjects you do know about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good reply: &quot;OK, but you have to buy me a pizza and mow my lawn.&quot; They don't appreciate you very much if they're not even willing to do that. Maybe they'll even think that figuring it out themselves would be easier than mowing a lawn...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you really have had enough, try: &quot;I hate to hear a grown man beg&quot;, biting off each word while staring at their eyes. I have never had a conversation proceed past that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13833" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T23:01:35.773" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11411" CreationDate="2018-03-05T23:25:08.517" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I have this question right you are asking how you can bring up the subject of your feelings to your girlfriend about your starting a relationship at a young age 8 years ago causing you to wonder if your girlfriend is actually the right one and if you are experienced enough to be sure if she is a good choice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no easy way, you just tell her you would like some time away from the relationship to see other people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a girlfriend tell me that a decade ago and after awhile she came back. It didn't last two weeks. There was no tone she could of used or words she could of said that made the end result any different or the pain any less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What your trying to do here is rarely going to work out for you well. At best your going to come back to a relationship that is strained and takes a long time to heal. She may take it well, and be excited about finally being able to get out in the world and explore the full depth of her womanhood unencumbered by her relationship with you. She may take it badly: try google &quot;A women scorned&quot; search for more details about what that could mean to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to breech this subject with her is to simply say what is on your mind and share your thoughts about this, the relationship and about her with her. Be honest be straight forward. But be aware there is no polite way to let someone down and no way to help someone with their lose when the relationship with you is what they are loosing. Good luck. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastEditorUserId="12720" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T03:55:44.880" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T03:55:44.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11300" CreationDate="2018-03-05T23:34:49.780" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can think of quite a few reasons why I would feel uncomfortable to accept such occasions even if I didn't want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's two approaches to make them feel more comfortable:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Keep track of what they do for you. That way you can wonderfully say: It's only fair. You have done this and this and that and it made me very happy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or find any service they can do for you. Can they teach you something? Can they act as a pacemaker so you keep a new habit you want to train? It is not as common as it should be, but almost everybody has something he can comfortably barter without breaking a sweat. With me, it would be 3D, the german language, lots of stuff. Just keep it lighthearted and appreciative.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It simply feels better to deserve something and their brains make the rules about what is deserved and what isn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in the end, maybe it's not always as negative as you feel it is. Maybe it's just a formal protest so they can say to themselves they have tried to save you and failed valiantly. could be an unconscious test whether you really mean it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12148" LastActivityDate="2018-03-05T23:34:49.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11411" CreationDate="2018-03-06T00:49:51.767" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;She will be hurt no matter how you do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can &lt;em&gt;minimize&lt;/em&gt; the hurt, however.  Here are some ways to do that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't dribble this out.  Make a clean break.  Be honest about your feelings and state of mind.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Arrange your life so that you don't run into each other by accident.  For example, if you were taking the same class together at university -- that would make this extra painful.  The most painful thing of all would be for her to bump into you while you are with a new love interest.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Follow through with any commitments you may have with her family or any projects you may have going on.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make yourself available for some of the roles you currently play in her life, for example, if you are the person who knows how to fix the stereo when it's on the fritz, make yourself available to fix it, or to teach her how to fix it, as she prefers.  If she has some stress with a work colleague, and you've been supportive about this, continue to be supportive about it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be generous on the financial front.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Allow her to keep the personal belongings the two of you acquired together if she wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Allow her to keep the pets the two of you may have adopted together.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If there is a friend that &quot;belongs&quot; to both of you, she gets first dibs.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T00:49:51.767" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11454" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-06T02:14:51.350" Score="1" ViewCount="662" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, I received some news. My mother was quite affected when she heard it, so she shared it by mistake with a few of her friends at the spur of the moment. However, it's supposed to be top secret as it's a touchy subject, and my mom herself forbade me to share it with anyone, after discussing with her friends that they would all keep quiet about it. (Not that she needed to forbid it, it was my secret in the first place...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, she (my mom) is a chatterbox, so she kinda said it to our lawn-keeper (whom she talks to all day when I'm at school.) It went like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom: Don't tell anyone, but [insert secret talk here].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lawn-keeper: No ma'am, absolutely not! Your secret is safe with me. (Smiles sinisterly...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(That is an exaggeration, but it went along similar lines)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The lawn-keeper is pretty trustable, but I don't know if he's a chatterbox too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;How to prevent a secret from spreading via this &amp;quot;don't tell anyone, but... &amp;quot; phenomenon?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Please don't ask further about the secret, I can't reveal anything else about it unless absolutely necessary for answering the question.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13730" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T04:04:01.037" Title="Secrets spreading via the &quot;don't tell anyone, but...&quot; phenomenon" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-03-06T04:13:45.903" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11454" CreationDate="2018-03-06T02:23:04.580" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expect secrets to travel fast - trust no one, not even your mom, if she doesn't need to know it.  You need to keep your secrets on a need-to-know basis only.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking people to not tell isn't gonna help, but you can try, although you risk drawing more attention to the secret itself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just move on and don't address it when it circles back to you.  Just give no comments on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T02:23:04.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10339" CreationDate="2018-03-06T03:27:44.183" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My advice might not perform a great help but from my own feelings I only can warn to handle this problem and the involved people sensitively! I can only speak of myself but the natural healthy way of taking action to negative stimuli, if it is required for you to decide, proves the idiom to be true: honesty is the best policy (in the vast majority of cases...); unless no lifes are harmed like being asked by a killer or things would happen that would generally be regarded as grave (for example an agent is discovered operating in a criminal gang or a war conflict with bad authorities could evolve) but normally I try my best to prevent such situations to appear at all. Personally, I feel self-interested inhonesty as a bad character. If no one would want to damage other people and act selfish there would be no need for it. Inhonesty in non-critical situations for living beings leads to suboptimal, expansive and non-transparent living and working together and to the bad unfair world we are living in. Imagine the pointlessness of being asked for feedback, if someone can't be honest with it? If you don't want to hear hontest answers of any sort, don't ask for it! But being honest still must be destinguished from bad criticism and bad expression. If your character is not even good enough to honestly reveal it, you've not earned your friends anyways. No one is being helped with not being honest to someone. It doesn't help solving the actual problem unless your aim of life is not about making the world a good place for all but a place of your very own benefit (for example a good reputation from &quot;friends&quot; or other people) or for your exploit, which resembles more the sort of nihilistic answers to life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding ignorance:&#xA;Ignorance might hurt some people more than telling them the direct truth (including me and that's my experience). To me it feels like being not worth or good enough human being, because of the way I am, to being told the truth from someone. For example: Do you know the feeling when not getting replied again by a bad personnel management? The actual drawback on people's feelings is dependent on the psychological setting and therefore it's different for different people however, generally if you don't know someone well enough to make choose your action, still don't forget to consider the case, it could hurt the person's feelings or even worse destroy a person's long-term self esteem and it is even said, the girl from the post suffers from depression. In the worst case you make people more prone to depression or strengthen it, depending on the emotional lability and weakness of the person. It might be that her toxic character and the way she communicates is already influenced by her psychological situation to ease and distract from her own psychological problems, by her environment (not teaching/educating her better) and her experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And maybe the strategy works out fine for a lot of people, so you should know the person well enough if you choose the approach of active alienation.&#xA;Maybe they can call me insane but from my empirical view, being ignored or not honest enough in conversions also can reinforce the reason and desire of conversation and contact. Generally, if you know that close contact will have no overwhelming positive long-term effect for both parties and you need to stop things, you need to remove the reason for the interaction and not (only) the interaction itself. If you have problems being unwillingly contacted by someone, maybe it helps to find out the reason felt by the person who is looking for contact and clear it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's reason from the empirical perspective why we need another answer to the question than alienation: Problems don't get solved by ignoring them, neither in mathematics nor in society. It's like the infant logic: what I don't see doesn't exist. While it might be true for your own consciousness you can't know for sure how other people feel about it. While some people project the behaviour from others back to others, some may project it to themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if it doesn't seem so for some people, ignorance can be perceived as an explicit negative action spawning another reaction to it since you can't not communicate, -&gt; Paul Watzlawick (except in some exceptional states of consciousness, for example if people don't know about each other or have the physical ability to change the communication state like passed out people). Otherwise if you force other people in a situation where they &quot;need&quot; the contact to cut it off instead, there is a serious potential of damage and it maybe reinforces their personal problems.&#xA;If you want a person to change you should help her/him as long as it is obviously safe for your life conditions to try it. Explain the person the problem and what he/she could do against it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13836" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T03:27:44.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11411" CreationDate="2018-03-06T03:49:30.100" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest you &lt;strong&gt;take time to think about your situation&lt;/strong&gt; by yourself or maybe with a good friend or a psychologist. You don't have to be &quot;sick&quot; to talk to a professional and it does not mean you need a shrink. These people have lots of experience and will likely be able to give you ideas what to think about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also recommend that you read this book: &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;“Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;It will give you lots of interesting questions to think about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you spoke with people and/or after you read this or other books it should be clearer in your mind what you want or what you don't want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I suggest you only bring this up with her if you decided you want to break up with her&lt;/strong&gt; or at least if you decided you need a break from her. Then this talk is inevitable and you have to do it. If you are not sure and bring it up it will damage your relation and even if you stay together she will likely remember it for years and maybe the (too early) talk will at the end destroy the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal advice: &lt;strong&gt;Don't talk to her about it if you don't know what you want.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T03:49:30.100" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11401" CreationDate="2018-03-06T03:51:33.483" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a big believer in talking to children directly, but as the mother of two kids I wouldn't be so happy if I thought other people were trying to parent my children.  For the really difficult kids, that really don't care what you have to say that have parents who really don't care either I have another solution - the scary story.  Think of a couple really scary things you could say to kids who are causing trouble.  For instance, my daughter refused to wear her seatbelt in the car and it didn't matter how many times I told or how nice I was.  So, I told her that if she was in the car riding without her seatbelt the police would take Mommy and Daddy to jail.  Never had a problem since.  Maybe there's a troll in your purse that likes to eat little child fingers?  Maybe pushing or kicking people's chairs too many times makes your hands or feet fall off?  While the child will reason it out in time, it's usually enough of a startle to stop them in their tracks.  And it may very well cause the parents to protect the kids and tell them to stay away from the scary person.  There is a reason why fairy tales are they way they are.  It works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13699" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T03:51:33.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11459" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11454" CreationDate="2018-03-06T04:04:01.037" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depending on what the secret is, you could possibly obfuscate or minimize it by sending another message down the same channel.  That may potentially change what's being passed around and possibly make it less damaging to you or whatever the secret's about.  It may require you to lie also, which is not ideal.  And you'd have to lie to your mom, which makes it even more challenging.  There's no guaranteed results of course, but I think that's the only way you could have an effect on what's already happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13699" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T04:04:01.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11460" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-06T05:36:54.260" Score="9" ViewCount="1093" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a senior colleague at work with whom I do not wish to talk. He makes it a point to come over and talk to me despite me giving him a very clear cold shoulder. He stands there even when I have ignored him and waits to talk to me. It makes me feel quite uneasy and irritated. He is older than me, I think he is about 50 yrs old. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Earlier I used to listen to him but he never has talked about work. He always talks about himself, how varied his interests are and how we can never do what he does. He is almost rude but I don't think he ever has realized that. It looks like he wants to throw his weight around and impress. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even after telling him things like &quot;I'm busy&quot;, &quot;Don't have time (which is true)&quot; etc. and giving him clear indications that I don't want to talk, he recoils for a while, but then again comes back to talk after a few days. I used to be sympathetic earlier but now it has become awkward and uneasy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell him to not bother me because I am being very very clear to him that I am not interested in talking to him? I have not been verbal about it, but I literally avoid talking to him even look away when he walks by. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I would also like to know if it is a common behavior among people of that age and I am misunderstanding him?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13851" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-11T16:26:37.583" LastActivityDate="2019-03-11T16:26:37.583" Title="How to convey to a person that I am not interested in talking to him?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11460" CreationDate="2018-03-06T06:38:30.847" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a colleague who reminds me of that person; not that I didn't want to talk to him, but most of the time I was too busy to engage in a conversation with him. He was autistic. An autistic person may not understand non-verbal cues like those you describe. He may also just be very lonely and want to start a conversation no matter what. The only think I know for sure is that it's not a behavioral pattern of 'people at that age'.  Anyway, you could just make it clear to him by saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but I am usually too busy to join conversations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not at your desk, you can add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I must get back to work as soon as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And maybe you could be even more firm by also saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure you will appreciate my time and won't distract me in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that he only does this when you are at work (e.g. there are not such encounters in the parking lot or elsewhere), so this will do. You can repeat yourself as many times as you want. He will get the message eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T06:38:30.847" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11424" CreationDate="2018-03-06T07:04:20.673" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to switch conversation from language to language in peers?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In seperate conversations, with seperate groups of people I agree with @PaulaHasstenteufel's answer. However, OP said he has no problems speaking in seperate sessions, in his situation it seems as though this is one single group conversation, so my answer is: &lt;em&gt;Don't, pick one base language that best suits the group as a whole and in all conversations directed to the whole group, stick to it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are all guests in your house, and I guess that you invited them with the intention of these friends from mixed cultures interacting with each other. If they are aware of this and have accepted your invitation, then it would be considered rude to speak to this group in a language that benefits only a select few people while considerably handicapping everyone else. Also, switching back and forth between languages within a single conversation too much is confusing and difficult for such a mixture to follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly, no matter which language you choose it will upset some people, making contributing to the group conversation more difficult for &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;. Unfortunately, as you have found this is not one of those times that you will be able to please everyone. Instead it is up to you the host, to choose the language that will result in the smallest amount of collective difficulty for the group as a whole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your Chinese friends refuse to interact when (in this context) you speak to them in Japanese, they are the ones being rude. You should hold your ground, using the reasons you arrived at the decision to choose Japanese as the base language for the group conversation in an effort to explain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We are all eating dinner speaking together, Joe does not know a lick of Chinese and we all know how horrendous Aito and Daichi are at English. So Japanese is our only real choice in order to include everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you split off into seperate conversations, people will re-assess the best group language to use and this is more than fine, just keep in mind &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; seperate the conversations are... if Daichi took one sip of beer and suddenly everyone is speaking in english, it serves as a barrier for him to re-join the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T07:04:20.673" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11215" CreationDate="2018-03-06T07:38:05.820" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Family&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband and I are child-free and are in a similar situation. I recommend asking each family member how they would like to communicate with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First - there are people who just don’t want to maintain family relationships, unless there is something selfish in it for them. Please avoid enabling them with what they want, such as “loans”, in exchange for contact. I’ve watched many people try to reach out to relatives who won’t keep up a relationship. I've never seen anyone change over to a loving relative if they hadn’t been from the beginning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people, like myself, prefer writing. Ask if they like letters, cards, emails, or texts.  Start with safe simple stories, don’t dive into emotional issues until they start sharing emotions with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other people feel closer by videophone calls, Skype or Facetime, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sending short videos or photos by email or text. If the relative doesn’t have an internet connection there are other photo options. Some physical businesses print digital photos into a physical photo that the recipient can pick up locally. You can also use an app to switch a digital photo into a mailed postcard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This keeps us in closer contact with the willing family members than we even were before we moved away!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friends&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have hobbies, go to club meetings and expos or places that people like you go. When you make a friend, ask them to introduce you to other people you might want to meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I go to flea markets, antique shows, and big thrift stores to meet other educated, nerdy, creative, eccentric, environmentally and socially conscious people.  Many of us are too weird for the regular population, but tolerant of each other together. In summary, find out where people with your personality, opinions, interests, and quirks like to go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try churches, self help groups, volunteer groups, clubs, specialty stores, local parks, wherever you are drawn to to be yourself. Please don’t give up, there ARE people who want to be with you. There are people who want companionship, such as elderly and disabled people and people who just moved to the area. There are also people who have to deal with lots of people all day who want someone they can talk to. I try to have a mix of both types for friends. They may make you into an honorary family member, which eases the distress of not being close to actual relatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13291" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T15:12:11.880" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T15:12:11.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-06T08:19:06.247" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I like to do to explain this is to &lt;strong&gt;make analogies&lt;/strong&gt;. For example, a mechanic knows about cars and engines, but you can't ask him to design a new car, to repair a Formula 1 car or to fix a nuclear engine. It's the same domain, yet the tasks are drastically different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without diving into the technicalities of IT, people usually understand the picture and remain kind of speechless or without any valid argument. This usually works unless the person is as stubborn as a mule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10435" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T08:19:06.247" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11467" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11469" CreationDate="2018-03-06T08:21:49.040" Score="78" ViewCount="60944" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, I've recently dabbled in D&amp;amp;D, which is basically a bunch of people hanging out and talking (punching goblins aside). So this opened up my social circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During my time doing this, I met this new girl who loves programming like me and we really clicked. While I do not have any romantic or sexual feelings towards this girl, she starred in my dream where I ended up kissing her (IN THE DREAM!). Side note, the main theme of the dream wasn't sexual, it was like an adventure and the kiss was in it somewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally know that she has a boyfriend and also I repeat, I have NO intent on dating her in any capacity and would just keep her as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, my girlfriend Alice (yes her again), is not very confident about her looks, and has said on a few occasions how she's scared I'll leave her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically I want to be transparent with Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell her so that I don't set off her insecurities, or cause her to mistrust me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T16:56:29.943" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T04:32:06.523" Title="Dreamt of another girl, want to tell my girlfriend, but how without getting smited?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-06T08:57:56.620" Score="422" Body="&lt;p&gt;If what you've said about your girlfriend is correct, I don't believe you can tell her without causing upset. So...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't tell her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dreams are a complicated and unconscious stuff, and AFAIK, not accurately understood even by professionals. Of course it can be revealing of some part of your personality (interests, stress, ...), but unless it becomes recurring/obsessional and unpleasant, I wouldn't make a big deal of it. You did nothing wrong, you just dreamt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, dreams, as your mind, is one of the last fences of your private garden. You can think, dream, want, hope, believe in absolutely what you want without being judged by the rest of the world. Pull that fence down and your life will soon be an anxious mess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any word you would use to tell her this &quot;non-story&quot; will just make it look suspicious and jeopardize both your relationships with your girlfriend and your D&amp;amp;D friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7069" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T01:35:53.633" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T01:35:53.633" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-06T08:59:37.760" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In an effort to answer the question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Easiest way to bring up awkward dreams is to start a conversation about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I had the weirdest dream last night, I was doing 'X'. Did you have any?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whilst doing this I would emphasize that it's a really strange dream for you because of the reasons listed above, maybe throw in something about how the D&amp;amp;D campaign might have influenced it. &quot;Crazy how brains work&quot; etc. etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you make it seem like a funny thing you have a slim chance of this not backfiring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal opinion is that you don't need to and &lt;strong&gt;shouldn't tell her&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dreams are meaningless and &lt;strong&gt;this is likely just to make her insecure&lt;/strong&gt; as it's a mutual connection &lt;strong&gt;so you shouldn't do this&lt;/strong&gt;. There's no real funny story or anecdote on this one so &lt;strong&gt;I'd only recommend doing the above if you felt like you absolutely have to.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastEditorUserId="9259" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T13:48:08.940" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T13:48:08.940" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-06T10:59:07.160" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your dreams are private and you are in absolutely in no obligation to share any of them. Not to your friends, not to your SO, not to your family.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forget dreams as basis for any action, I think most of the people here have at least encountered a very weird dream where are you acting completely out of your character (especially if you stayed long up, have eaten too much or have been sick). &lt;em&gt;This is normal&lt;/em&gt; and you don't need feel guilty for actions you have &quot;committed&quot; in your dream. &lt;strong&gt;Dreams are ten a penny&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dreams should be only shared with others cautiously. For example, if you have a happy dream with your SO and want to tell it. Or if you had a nightmare and feel the urge to tell it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general you only start to care about a dream when it continously comes back (especially nightmares) or you feel the urge to follow the dream.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In your specific case do not tell the dream at all, nothing good can come out of it.&lt;/strong&gt; If you have the urge to tell the dream, tell it someone which has absolutely no connection with your SO (a professional, a counselor, a distant person living far away where you have a connection, e.g. a brother/sister abroad).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T10:59:07.160" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-03-06T11:39:41.993" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't jump to asking for her number, build rapport first. Get to know her (over a few visits to the grocery store) and in the process find somethings she's into. For example maybe she likes art and you can suggest to her going to an art gallery together. If she seems to like the idea, then exchange numbers. Since there's a lineup it may be easiest if you have your number written on a piece of paper to leave it with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also regarding not having much time because there's a lineup. Try going into the store when it's not as busy. Or buy more items so you have more time to make small talk.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7017" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-21T15:27:09.030" LastActivityDate="2018-12-21T15:27:09.030" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-06T11:53:16.033" Score="119" Body="&lt;p&gt;A useful way to consider how to go about some potentially awkward interactions is to imagine how you would want them to go if the roles were reversed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So imagine that it is your long-distance girlfriend who has begun to ‘dabble’ in a hobby group, let’s say taxidermy, which involves men staying at her house until the small hours doing something which they all get very excited about, but which you don’t understand the appeal of. Remember to also imagine that you are insecure about your own attractiveness to your girlfriend, and probably that the long-distance nature of your relationship adds to that insecurity a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could she tell &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; about a sexy dream &lt;em&gt;starring&lt;/em&gt; one of these men, who hangs out at her house until the early hours of the morning, sharing  deeply enjoyable dead animal stuffing sessions, in a way that wouldn’t give you a twinge of concern? Not even necessarily a concern about her &lt;em&gt;waking&lt;/em&gt; intentions, but a concern that her subconscious self might think that the conveniently local man who shares her fascination for styling dead dormice is a better bet, romantically speaking, than the remotely located boyfriend who doesn’t see the point of preserving post-mortem polecats?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be better if she did it over the phone, when you were meeting up, over a nice meal, in front of your friends… very casually in passing or as a sit-down ‘I have something to tell you’ moment? Consider which, if any, of those would lend itself to introducing the subject casually. Would you rather hear that she dreamt &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; kissed him, or that she dreamt he kissed &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were relaxed about the smoochy dreams about Taxidermy Ted, because after all none of us can help our dreams, you still might wonder why she had &lt;em&gt;told&lt;/em&gt; you about it. How could she raise that subject to you, with your insecurity, without it seeming like it may contain information about how she feels about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;?  Maybe you’d be okay if she said that Dream-Ted had kissed her, but boy it wasn’t a patch on how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; kiss her!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you felt hurt by the story and asked her why she’d told you, would you be happy that she’d told you to make herself feel better about transparency, or might you think that she’d just turned her load of slightly guilty feelings into your load of worry?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that it can be difficult to imagine how a person experiences insecurity if you aren’t prone to such feelings yourself. It can be easy to observe a reaction, that you don’t share, and at some level question its validity or the strength with which it is experienced and find it trivial or exasperating. Insecurity can be as difficult, and frustrating, to be around (and I say this as a person with a tendency to insecurity who took a long time to realise how burdensome that can be for those close to us) as it is to experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being sensitive to insecurity doesn’t mean pandering to it so that truth and reality go out of the window. You don’t have to hide the existence of other women from your partner, but it does (if you choose to be in a constructive relationship with an insecure person) mean picking your battles. It is worth considering where that balance lies between your desire for ‘transparency’ and the potential negative effects on your partner, and how things can be presented such that they don’t actively provoke insecurity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T11:53:16.033" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-06T13:12:41.567" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree the answers that you shouldn't tell her. Your dreams, emotions, thoughts, etc. are completely your own, and no one else has any right to demand access to them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course I'm not trying to imply that your girlfriend is demanding to know what you dream about, I'm simply trying to convey that you'd be completely in the right if you didn't voluntarily share your dream. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that, from personal experience, I can tell you that sharing that dream with your girlfriend will most likely cause more harm than good, because if she's already insecure about her looks it's automatically going to trigger feelings of self doubt and doubt about the relationship and very likely strengthen her fear of you leaving her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I knew I had reason to be suspicious of you leaving, you're even dreaming of &lt;em&gt;other girls&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, she might think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also note that I'm not suggesting you lie to her, on the off chance that she happens to ask what you dreamed about however many nights ago. If she does ask, I believe honesty to be the best policy but then at least you have a platform from which to honestly discuss the dream.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9823" LastEditorUserId="9823" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T13:19:52.597" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T13:19:52.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-06T13:51:42.227" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to tell her about the dream, why mention the kiss? From your description, the kiss sounds cursory and not a major part of it. Just tell her that you had a dream about your D&amp;amp;D campaign and focus on the adventure parts of the story, which are less likely to trigger insecurities, given that she's okay with you playing D&amp;amp;D.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I had a crazy dream last night! I think the D&amp;amp;D is getting to me, the crew was going on an adventure, and we did (tell the dream story)...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has questions or wants to know more, then you can answer, but there's no need to encourage her insecurities by telling her the gory details. If she questions the role of this girl in the dream, make sure to explain as you have here that it is not at all how you feel, it isn't even reasonable given that you are both in different happy relationships, and that part of the dream made you uncomfortable - reassure her that you are committed to her and thought it was weird too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have said, dreams are private. They are not something you can control, so it's not something you need to feel guilty about. Although transparency is admirable, you're also not obligated to share every little thing with your partner! I am sure there are plenty of little harmless secrets you keep from her already (whether out of embarrassment or simply not thinking to mention it), this is no different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, where the dream is meaningless to you - meaning, it doesn't reflect on any real feelings you have - but would likely hurt her, it is kinder &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to share it with her. If you feel the need to discuss the dream, it is more appropriate to talk about it with a friend who won't be hurt by hearing about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T14:04:03.430" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T14:04:03.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-06T13:59:51.697" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to try to answer your question in the sense that you want to tell her, as you ultimately seek a transparent relationship. You find enough warnings in the other posts so I hope you consider these also!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can tell you that I currently live in a relationship where it is possible to tell each other such things, but it took time (years!) to get there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the first thing you should realize that is that jealousy may play a role wether you have sexual motives or not. I fact, your shared interests of D&amp;amp;D and Programming and the fact that you &lt;em&gt;really clicked&lt;/em&gt; may be a bigger source of jealousy than even a profound sexual fantasy with an unrelated person (like a movie star). This is especially if she feels she does not share so much of your interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You´ll have to build up to that level of trust where it is easy to tell such things to one another. If you have to ask how, you are not there yet. Start small: Does she know when you find another woman attractive and is she okay with it? Or do you still play: &lt;em&gt;Honey you are the only woman I see!&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;Did you share (sexual) fantasies? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel comfortable with those two topics, then is the time to talk about your dreams. Then, its only about timing and honesty. Bring it up when she is relaxed, obviously. Tell her straightforward. Don´t try to play it down if you feel this is something big. Rather explore together with her what it means. If you know each other this well, you won´t be able to fake it anyway and only raise suspicion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At last: little jealousy is ok now and then - if you are both open about it and respect each other! Jealousy is also a sign of affection, and feeling the affection of your partner keeps you relationship fresh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T14:07:36.477" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T14:07:36.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11431" CreationDate="2018-03-06T14:00:04.130" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The lady using the cutesy voice, is probably doing it out of habit, which may have become ingrained over years. From what you've said it sounds unlikely that she's setting out to annoy you, so try not to be annoyed by it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you can choose how much mental processing you put into understanding what she's saying. If when she uses her cutesy voice, you find it hard to understand her, and she finds she has to repeat everything she says two or three times, she may start modifying her speech patterns when talking to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No need to appear annoyed or confront her, just look friendly but mystified at the strange sounds coming out of her mouth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9240" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T14:00:04.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11411" CreationDate="2018-03-06T14:04:40.513" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;The idea that if you were to date someone else you might find someone better is a siren song that's going to lead you to ruin, friend. It's natural to wonder whether there may be &quot;someone better&quot; out there somewhere, however that's where maturity should step in and inform you that it's foolish to throw away a solid relationship on the &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;hope&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; of something better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, it's incredibly insulting to your girlfriend, because you're telling her that she's not enough. Don't expect to be able to have such a conversation, and not break her heart. It may literally spell the end of your relationship. In fact, let me be clear: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You shouldn't talk to her unless you know exactly what it is about your relationship that you'd like to address, or if you're breaking up with her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, you need to realize that life is not a Disney movie. What &quot;better&quot; are you hoping to find? Someone who listens more attentively? Who likes more of your hobbies? Who's kinkier in bed? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you know &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; what's unsatisfying in your relationship what are you going to go looking for? And if you &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; know, then why aren't you taking steps to improve your relationship such that those things are true of it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The older you get the more you realize that a successful relationship is not about looks (although they do matter), but about how the two of you interact on a daily basis. Because the boring, day-to-day activities comprise 90% of your entire life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have respect, honesty, and the ability to engage in conversations openly, and without judgement, then you already have more than many (most?) people ever find in a partner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, you'll see some more attractive woman walking down the street, and wonder what it would be like if you could pursue her, but, realistically, the chances of finding someone with whom you click as well as your current partner are very low.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Among other things, it takes years to tease out all of the different aspects of someone's personality, and come to realize whether they're the kind of person you could spend the next decade of your life with, never-mind marry and have children. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so, I advise you to take a long, hard look at your relationship before you throw it away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addendum:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are legitimate reasons for walking away from a relationship - even a long term one - such as abuse, or the fact that your partner is toxic, or a dead-beat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your partner is the mill stone around your neck, always holding you back from trying new experiences, or living life the way you'd like to - and could * - live it, then perhaps it's best to part ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;* The distinction is important because being told that you can't live like James Bond is just being realistic, not holding you back. Someone telling you not to learn how to snowboard even though it's a dream of yours, however, is probably holding you back due to their own fears/insecurities/agenda. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's best to find someone who shares your passions, but it's typically impossible to find a partner who enjoys 100% of the same activities as you. Even then, some activities (such as excessive gaming) are a net negative to your development, and your partner may push you to pick up something a little more useful. That's not necessarily a sign that you should break up. It may, in fact, constitute a sign that you need to analyze your lifestyle and aim to do a little more with yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone who tries to cut you away from your friends, family, and hobbies, and demands constant, fawning attention is a bad choice of partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking, if the above are not the case with you, then you probably have a pretty decent relationship, and throwing it away on hopefully finding someone better is silly. &lt;strong&gt;However&lt;/strong&gt;, you need to find that peace within yourself, otherwise anything someone on the internet tells you is useless. Remember that you only live once. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T14:54:43.407" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T14:54:43.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-06T14:23:25.990" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I try to explain that IT is a vast field, using the &lt;strong&gt;analogy with medicine&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would not ask a dentist to prescribe you something for blood pressure, or ophthalmologist to deliver a baby. Yes, all of them studied (some kind of) medicine, and work in a hospital, but have different skillsets. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IT also has many specializations: DB expert, web designers, Linux admin, desktop support, security, hardware design etc, which for outsiders might all looks same (&quot;works in a hospital in a white lab-coat&quot;), but are fundamentally different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2796" LastEditorUserId="2796" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T15:41:14.133" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T15:41:14.133" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11431" CreationDate="2018-03-06T14:28:50.940" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there were a person cursing all the time, would you ask them to stop? Probably yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What about if this person had Tourette syndrome? Probably not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is that you're asking her to refrain to use her cutesy voice &lt;em&gt;without knowing why she uses it&lt;/em&gt;. No wonder then if she doesn't comply, especially if she uses it to protect herself from criticism and rejection. &lt;sub&gt;(I'm just guessing here, I'm aware it might not be the case.)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to suggest a longer approach here. It takes extra care and sensitivity, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't make it about you, make it about her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her behaviour is not something done mindlessly like tapping with a pen on the table. This person talks this way for a reason. &lt;strong&gt;Inquire about it.&lt;/strong&gt; Do it seriously and firmly and engaging your attention and active listening. Be aware that what you are asking is something &lt;strong&gt;personal and though to answer to&lt;/strong&gt;, so be extra friendly and open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm going to ask you something. This can be a difficult question for you, but it made me wonder, why do you talk with a cutesy voice sometimes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says something like &quot;I don't know, I just do it&quot;, press her into reflecting some more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I get you do it somewhat unconsciously, but I'm really curious about the real reason behind it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she asks you &quot;Why do you ask?&quot;, state simply that this is something that you don't do and don't get either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not be (passive-)aggressive about it.&lt;/strong&gt; Leave her some room to answer honestly, or at least to think about it. She could be trapped and annoyed by this behaviour as much as you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After she answers, you can inquire deeper about when she started doing it, when she thinks it's effective etc. Then, &lt;strong&gt;tactfully&lt;/strong&gt; give your perspective about her cutesy voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to say that, but maybe you're not aware of the effect that your childish voice can have on people. You see, it makes people not taking you seriously {add whatever you want to tell her here}. The tone that we use to talk with people put others in precise roles. If you talk with others like if they were your parents, they might want to step out of this role and not talk with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also add that cutting it might actually raise her sales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I were a customer and you addressed me this way, I'd feel like you want to trick me into buying your stuff by unconsciously putting me in the position of the grown-up one spoiling a kid. If you'd address me as a peer, instead, I would feel free to be interested in your stuff for their true value. I bet this is what we all want here, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, &lt;strong&gt;try to convey the idea that this way of talking is detrimental to her image&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only then, ask her not to do it again with you. With the information you gained, you can tell her that she doesn't need to speak that way with you to get favours etc, because you'd do them anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this approach, moreover, you come across as friendly and interested in her personality. It's easier to remember not to do something for a friendly acquaintance than for an annoying stranger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T14:28:50.940" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11460" CreationDate="2018-03-06T14:46:45.010" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to start with an assumption.  I don't read it here, but I'm guessing you're female.  (I'd invite you to correct me if I am wrong).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that assumption is correct, what you have going on is the start of a workplace harassment issue.  It's pretty simple - if someone creates an environment that is threatening, intimidating, or uncomfortable and doesn't change it when told to, then it's harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's stay away from Workplace SE and go to Interpersonal SE.  You are giving signals to him that you are not interested - signals that you feel are clear.  Yet obviously they don't seem to be clear to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, social ineptitude occurs in all ages; it's not just in people who are middle-aged.  So this is not something that guys in their 50s do - guys in their 20s do it as well.  And guys that don't generally have a lot of female presence in their lives sometimes tend to fill that gap at work by talking to their female co-workers.  It's an old situation and one that probably won't change, unfortunately.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to stop this type of attention?  The post says that the conversations aren't work-related.  The first thing I'd suggest is to approach this with confidence.  If you act like you expect that this conversation will work and are more forceful, the odds of your success will be higher.  Also, do NOT allow wiggle room.  Do not use the word &quot;maybe&quot;.  Do not take any responsibility yourself.  It's his behavior that you want changed, and you want it changed today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's assume that this person is socially inept and not just a jerk.  I'd suggest saying something like, &quot;I see you come over a lot; I'm sorry but I am too busy to engage in a lot of small talk here at the office.  If you have something work-related I'm happy to help but don't have a lot of time for other conversations.&quot; Or &quot;I appreciate your wanting to share your interests with me; but we don't share that interest.  Now if you'll excuse me...&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is to be gracious and direct without being mean.  If he has some kind of condition that causes him to be socially inept, being mean is just, well, mean. You can be direct without being a jerk about it.  Also, since he's a senior colleague, you don't want to burn that bridge - senior staff tend to not move a lot and that will make your time there all that more uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T14:46:45.010" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11431" CreationDate="2018-03-06T14:51:30.520" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This one is easy. Operant conditioning. It is not nice to tell adults how they should behave, but it is perfectly reasonable to negotiate. When she asks you for a favor in that voice, even if it's something as small as asking for the time of day, reward or punish. If your answer is no, just say no. That is negative punishment - the withholding of a reward after unwanted behavior. If your answer is yes, cheerfully say, &quot;I'll consider it if you ask in your grown-up voice.&quot; When she complies, &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt; say, &quot;I'll be happy to.&quot; Do not hesitate even a fraction of a second. That is positive reinforcement - giving a reward after desired behavior. You may be amazed how quickly it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might think about how to keep her voice from annoying you. The solution is to observe and try to understand why she goes into that mode of speech. She cannot tell you why, because she does not know. The reason, whatever it is, is not about you. It's about her - her insecurities perhaps. Maybe she has been conditioned to speak that way. Make it a puzzle to figure out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11359" LastEditorUserId="11359" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T14:58:16.763" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T14:58:16.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-06T15:10:35.387" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know what you're talking about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3981/how-can-i-explain-to-people-that-a-programmer-isnt-a-computer-technician&quot;&gt;How can I explain to people that a programmer isn&amp;#39;t a computer technician?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be really stressful, especially if it happens with your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes my parents ask for my help, on every random thing that is a part of the technology ecosystem, and when I tell them that I don't know anything about it, they look at me like satan and accuse me that I just don't want to help them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By your side, you can't do anything about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone think that you can do something, even you don't, they will be sure about it, so if you don't help them, you are just a bad person from their point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I try to explain that I work with different things and I can't help, and I think that there isn't anything more to do, it's up to them to be smart and understand your feels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3858" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T15:10:35.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11490" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-06T15:39:56.160" Score="8" ViewCount="4904" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend Alice is going out with Bob. Myself and others have seen Bob acting inappropriately with other women (getting very close and caressing) multiple times and we suspect he has slept with other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, Bob was acting inappropriately with another women at a bar when Alice was in another room. I confronted Bob who got very defensive and reacted violently, just as Alice entered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later that night another friend (Christine) told me in confidence that Bob raped another friend (Daniella) last year. Daniella does not want to press charges against Bob and doesn’t know that Christine told me about the assault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice continues to be with Bob despite me telling her about Bob's multiple &quot;normal&quot; infidelities. I want to protect Alice by telling her about Bob’s assault. But I can’t tell Alice without breaking Christine’s trust and Daniella’s privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Names have been changed).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13889" LastEditorUserId="13889" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T15:56:58.867" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T02:00:17.553" Title="How can I tell my friend her boyfriend is (allegedly) a rapist?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;sexual-assault&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11495" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11411" CreationDate="2018-03-06T16:46:46.380" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would comment on this question, but since I can not I write an answer, although I do not consider it as complete. I hope this is allowed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like others mentioned, those news will break her heart no matter how you share it. So you should ask yourself first what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Break Up? - Tell her and be short and clear, make sure her best friend or her mom is available, depending on which she would prefer to talking to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is an open relationship an option? - Talk to her and emphasize it is not about her being incomplete it is more like you wanting to get more exprience with other women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not breaking up? Well honestly I can not think of a way breaking those news will not destroy your relationship, so I think you should either break up or do not talk about it at all with her. Do you have a close friend you knows both of you well and can give you an honest answer about your doubts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11838" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T16:46:46.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11496" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11352" CreationDate="2018-03-06T16:49:52.700" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When the food came, I got it, and Alice didn't. She was under the impression I had taken her food. The waiter told us that he had messed up the order, so I proposed splitting 50:50 between the two of us ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the waiter gave you the food and she got nothing she should take it up with the waiter and let you eat. Messing with you while you eat is not what someone should do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't think of anyone who's going to want a picked at meal split in half, twice - are you dating, married; don't share spit don't share food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she thinks you've taken something of hers hearing that she can have half of it is ridiculous. Even the waiter has spoke up to say forget it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Given that I'm not exactly the perfect eater.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is rude to bring up a different point that's unrelated as a defense for her misunderstanding. She felt wronged by you and let go the floodgates of all your shortcomings, real or made up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should explain that she can take it up with the waiter or management and deal with their resolution, alternately she can accept yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One another point: If you are going out to eat with others you don't need to be a &quot;perfect eater&quot; (unless you're eating with royalty or at the Captain's table), still you are expected to eat reasonably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't have anything to do with them until they apologized, unless they would prefer to wrestle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of one person getting a free meal you received free insults. I think you need to ingrain the father that his children are ill mannered food thieves and it's an insult to see them without a prompt apology. Don't let them think you're wrong when you are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T16:49:52.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11498" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-06T19:22:05.033" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before you tell her anything, the first thing you need to do is figure out what the dream means to you. Dreams are your brain's means of communicating subconscious ideas to you, so what is your subconscious trying to say? Why this girl, what does she represent to your subconscious? And why a kiss? A kiss can mean many things, not just romantic/sexual intimacy. You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide that it's just some random weirdness and it doesn't mean anything, then I agree with the rest of the responses - don't tell her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it does indicate something, use the dream as an opening to discuss what you think it means. In that case, when you are telling her about it, focus more on the meaning behind the symbols, rather than the symbols themselves. For example, maybe it indicates that you want to bring her into your interests. In that case, the conversation could go &quot;I had a dream last night that I want to talk to you about. I think it has to do with wanting to spend more time with you sharing interests. What do you think of joining me for a D&amp;amp;D session? And I can join you for one of your unicycle fencing classes (or whatever she is into).&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't even need to mention the specifics of the dream, unless it is indicating that you actually do have feelings for or are attracted to this other woman. In that case, I don't really know what to suggest. That's a whole other can of worms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9180" LastEditorUserId="9180" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T21:10:26.050" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T21:10:26.050" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11499" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11215" CreationDate="2018-03-06T20:30:40.190" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everything I share is my  own personal experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in a similar situation where married, no kids of our own (he has 3 from a prior marriage but they are all grown and live far away). We moved 1.5 hours away from family and friends 13 years ago. The burden is on us to visit. Rarely do family and friends visit unless it is the summertime and they came for the pool. This scenario is not unique to Germany. I see similar posts in other groups. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you have several dynamics going on. First, you moved. The family didn't move, you did. Their perspective may be that it is on you to visit them since you moved. That is not my perspective but I can see how it could become an unspoken belief if not challenged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, I don't know your age but I'm guessing based on the comments that you and your wife are around the 25-35 year age range. This is the age range where friends either move in proximity or marry (some have kids, some don't), begin to lay a foundation for a successful career and in a very general sense, forge a more independent identity of themselves. There is a separation from family and one's past that is a normal part of life, at least in the US. It becomes stronger as a person matures. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have noticed 2 &quot;friend attrition&quot; scenarios that are rarely acknowledged publicly or privately: 1) couples who have kids tend to gravitate to other couples who have kids and leave behind the couples who don't; and and 2) Once married, friends tend to leave behind single friends and do couple things with other couples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right or wrong, I don't know. I share that because those are 2 clear scenarios that might be playing out in the original poster's life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, I think it's fine to ask family what they perceive to be reasonable in visits, (you to them, or them to you) but do so with an open mind and open heart. You may not like the response. In your shoes, because this is a heavy burden on your heart, I would remind family and friends they are always welcome to visit and when they do, there are activities x, y and z to do. You may have to &quot;sell&quot; the idea (&quot;Making memories for so-and-so that they will always treasure&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourth, it says a lot they have not visited you and your wife much. No one likes a one-sided relationship, so I can see why this bothers you. However, this also has positives that you may not be thinking of. My husband and I are much closer because we are not distracted with family. We are able to forge an identity both separately as individuals and as a couple. Some of the things we have done as a couple on our own or with other couples we met here and there are motorcycle trips, camping, breeding horses and joining clubs like the local art club and a Corvette club which always has some kind of event going on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that it stings a bit they haven't visited you, but after 5 decades on this planet, I've learned to be grateful rather than hurt when someone lets me down because it's shown me their true thoughts and where I fall in their personal priority scale. That is quite valuable information. I adjust my expectations of them without judging them. After all, I've let people down here and there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why I say, do you really want to have a conversation with a person about their lack of visiting you? I think I'd share from my heart once and let it go. The ones who are sensitive will pick up on what you have shared, and hopefully will visit you, but for those who don't, let it go and spend your energies elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fifth, my husband and I have held several parties through the years to bring people together at our place in the country. It's great for making memories and for helping people feel welcome. It may take a party or 2 for people to start warming up to driving to your place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, in 13 years, we have not made many friends because we moved to a small community and everyone already knows everyone. Joining the art and history clubs, as well as visiting a few churches, helped me personally. In the US, there is an app called meetup which is heavy with groups who love photography, games, gardening and other personal interests (pets, etc). Also volunteering for a local non-profit (pet rescue, low income home repair such as Habitat for Humanity, historical societies, etc) would expose you to a group of people that are probably caring and thoughtful. I wouldn't expect to go deep with these folks quickly but it's nice to know a few locals and socialize once a month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To sum it up, I feel that your predicament is partly a result of the natural process of separation from family around the age of 30 (give or take 5-10 years), combined with friends going through the same thing you are going through (separation, maturity in career and identity) plus learning what makes you and your wife truly happy in life. This is a process which takes time. Warm regards to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13909" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T20:30:40.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11500" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11504" CreationDate="2018-03-06T20:35:12.917" Score="19" ViewCount="6784" Body="&lt;p&gt;I currently live in a house with 3 other people, my girlfriend Julie, and 2 friends Bob and John. Outside of our household, we have a friend named Jane, who is our only friend that is married in our group currently. Bob and Jane are brother/sister respectively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About a year ago, John and Jane started having an affair. It made everyone a little bit uncomfortable at first, but we sided with Jane because she was having some troubles in her marriage and told us that she plans to break it off. If we fast forward to now, she still hasn't broken off her marriage. Her husband was told a long time ago that Jane cheated on him, by Jane herself - but he does NOT know that it has been ongoing for so long. Her husband has made some mistakes in their relationship, which has hurt them before - but never anything like this. He does not deserve this treatment (As I believe no one does). Jane and her husband are also currently in the process of selling their home to buy their &quot;dream home&quot; for Jane, so she can have horses that she always wanted and lots of land. We are uncomfortable with this because we believe she does not deserve this as she has not been faithful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, me, Julie, Bob, and our other mutual friend Sandra are planning on telling Jane's husband about it on Thursday, as we have been very uncomfortable, and we decided we weren't going to sit around and wait for something to happen anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have already told Jane's husband that we want to have a &quot;Boy's Night out&quot;, to try to avoid Jane being there while we talk to him - but as of writing this, Jane messaged Bob, and asked him why we invited her husband out to a &quot;Boy's Night&quot;, and it eventually came out the plan to tell him. Jane told him that it isn't our place to tell him and that she will never forgive him (Us when she finds out all of us are involved and decided together) - we are willing to risk that, as all of us refuse to sit back and let this happen anymore. As Jane knows the plan, we assume that John now also knows because we are sure they are talking to each other about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that can happen now is Jane telling her husband before we have a chance. I kind of like that this happened actually because it gives her a reason to come clean and tell him herself which I think will end much better than if a group of people that are really just acquaintances tells him about it first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if she does not tell him first, we have to deal with John. As I said, John lives with me in my home along with Bob. There is no contract for him living with us, it's just a verbal agreement that he pays a 4th of the rent and utilities/bills. What I'm really worried about is retaliation as me, Bob, and Julie are directly involved and all live with John. Today when I get home I plan on taking pictures of all my expensive things, in case he tries to retaliate, break stuff, and then leave without saying anything. As he does live there full time and does have belongings in the house, I don't think it would be right for me to change the door lock code to prevent him from getting into the house to try to avoid this, so one question I have is how to avoid retaliation that will cost actual money to fix. I understand that there may be retaliation in the form of being ignored, hated, etc., but this does not concern me as I have already accepted it. Another thing is possible retaliation from Jane - if John knows the door code, so will Jane.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another question that I have is, what is the best way for us to tell Jane's husband? We currently have a time set at 6:00 PM on Thursday to meet him for a &quot;Boy's Night&quot; at a local restaurant - our whole friend group minus Jane will be there to back each other up. This includes me, Julie, Bob, and Sandra.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I forgot to mention, Jane, and her husband also have a daughter who is around 2 years old. This is another reason we believe we have to do something, she is spending all of her time with John, cheating on her husband while her husband takes care of their child, and is about to buy a house (Serious financial debt) for her - we want to do something before he spends that money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My distinct question is: How can we tell Jane's husband about Jane's affair?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goals would be to keep everyone calm and peaceful, and avoid any expensive retaliations from negatively affected parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answers that also contain a way to keep everyone on good terms would also be very greatly appreciated, we are all friends after all, but I know this may not be possible and is not a requirement to the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13902" LastEditorUserId="13902" LastEditDate="2018-03-07T13:31:48.263" LastActivityDate="2019-08-28T04:13:50.283" Title="Two friends and their wedlocked affair" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11438" CreationDate="2018-03-06T21:03:20.793" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have worked with first in class computer programmers for several years who would not do well in the environment you are describing. At times, several have vocalized their inability to concentrate as a result of the activity going on around them. From my personal experience, it is possible to say in a light-hearted yet serious way that you are finding it difficult to concentrate and do quality work because of the proximity of all the wonderful collaboration going on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it doesn't matter who so much as the other dynamics (personal space and to some extent noise), I don't think I'd single anyone out as much as find a way to share in an open way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An issue of personal space is trickier to communicate than noise level, so I'd use noise as an excuse: &quot;I love all this brilliant collaboration of creative minds (big smile) but I'm finding it hard to concentrate. Could you guys possibly move to ____&quot; - obviously tweak with your own words. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure that you don't mean to come across as snobbish, so if you opt to go down this path, you might find some common shared interests (e.g. sports, hobbies, etc) so that in passing you can occasionally strike up a short conversation with some of them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find over time that the same person continually invades your space, that is a whole different issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13909" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T21:03:20.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11500" CreationDate="2018-03-06T21:33:35.303" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no good way to tell someone that their spouse has been cheating on them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just say something simple like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Jane's Husband, I don't want to tell you this but if my wife were&#xA;  cheating on me I would want some one to tell me. Your wife is having&#xA;  an afair with John.  I'm so sorry I didn't want to be the one to tell&#xA;  you this horrible news,  but I feel that you have a right to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;be direct. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;express sympathy and empathy &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;be prepared to answer questions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may ask detailed questions like how many times a week? or how long has she been sleeping with him?  and he may ask why it took you so long to tell him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will probably be angry.  And since you are present, some or all of that anger may get directed at you.  You need to be emotionally prepared for this so that you don't take it personally.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I think it will be very important that you apologize for not telling him sooner.  It may mitigate some of his anger.  Though he may not be angry at all, he may be in denial instead.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ask specifically &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can we keep everyone in the situation calm and peaceful?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't phrase anything as an accusation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;keep your voice tone low and slow&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;pause before you speech and a) relax your muscles and b) take a deep breath.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By remaining calm yourself, you keep yourself from contributing to the escalation of emotions.  Though you can only control yourself and it is very likely in this situation that Jane's husband, Jane, and John will let their emotions run wild.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the possibility of revenge, if you are concerned for your stuff move it somewhere else like a storage shed.  If you are concerned for yourself, you should move as well.  If you are only mildly concerned then just put a new lock on your door and put a camera up in your room.  You can get them at BestBuy for a few hundred bucks.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On  personal note, I'm sorry that you sided with Jane originally. Betraying her husband shows a severe lack of honesty and trustworthiness on her part.  I'm glad that you have decided to look out for her husband now.  He deserves to know that his wife is not being faithful.  You may want to do some reading on &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betrayal_trauma&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;betrayal trauma&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to help you deal with Jane's husband's reaction when you tell him what is going on.  My apologies to you for the short answer, I hope it helps anyways.  Good luck. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="107" LastEditDate="2019-08-28T04:13:50.283" LastActivityDate="2019-08-28T04:13:50.283" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11505" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11460" CreationDate="2018-03-06T21:40:45.953" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The following might seem a bit mean, but the answer to this kind of problem is &lt;strong&gt;peer pressure&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who tend to throw around this kind of egocentric off-topic in large quantities are doing it because someone &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; listening. And while you might be giving him a clear &quot;cold shoulder&quot;, try to find out how your other colleagues react to his behavior when he does that to them or publicly (I assume he does, based on your description of the character).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I don't suggest you go and say bad things about him behind his back, but it wouldn't hurt to find out (even directly if necessary) whether your other colleagues find his behavior annoying or distracting. Which it actually is, personal feelings aside, these kind of people can &quot;generate&quot; quite a serious downtime for their entire team or department.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So since you've tried to discourage him from talking to you in any way you could, it is possible that he has other audience which gives him confidence that if he would just keep talking &lt;strong&gt;at&lt;/strong&gt; you, you would join that audience. And the main idea is that if his talks are really excessive, unproductive, not really interesting and even unpleasant AND he does that to everyone and not just you, the only way to effectively discourage him is to do it collectively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13691" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T21:40:45.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11506" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11509" CreationDate="2018-03-06T21:44:06.947" Score="6" ViewCount="865" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been working on a particular website project with a friend from an old job I had. We started with our idea, and are at the point of going through network security for the login information, but I'm not quite understanding how it all ties into the website and how encryption of usernames and passwords really work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we're both busy on our respective portions, but this part was given to me as a matter of practicality I guess as I'm the one who has access to the root or something (If I understood it, I wouldn't be asking...). He's in charge of the programming for the website, and I for the administration and accounting for it from two separate locations where we use separate logins to a management portal for our pieces.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now because I don't understand what he's looking to do or how to do it necessarily and he does, I've asked him to show me. After going through the process, it seemed like he was frustrated that it didn't immediately click for me. We ended that conversation with &quot;we'll get back to this later....&quot; in a bit of an upset tone. We had another session to go over it last week, but had the same result; I just don't get it. Whether it's the way he's teaching it or the way it's going into my head, it feels like I understand the concept but not the application. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He gets increasingly frustrated that he's for all intents and purposes explaining himself over and over without me getting it. We've been good friends for a long time, and I'd like to continue this friendship. I've asked if he wants to login and do it himself, but he says that he doesn't understand that part of the website management software and can't do it; he's vehement on not doing it and insists that I do. I've tried googling the information, but it's just as confusing there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask him to just keep explaining it until I get it without him getting upset that I'm for all intents and purposes wasting his time?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T04:49:19.817" Title="How can I alleviate someone's upset feelings when I'm not getting a concept they're explaining?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11500" CreationDate="2018-03-06T21:49:22.533" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this answer I will try to stay out of &quot;you should&quot; (hello IPSBot) territory as it is off-topic on IPS, and in the on-topic &quot;how&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I will refer to Jane's husband as JH, as you have not given him a name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Helpfully, you and your friends have already decided what y'all will do to resolve your problem, and that is &quot;Tell JH all that you know&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question though, is not &quot;How to tell JH?&quot;, its &quot;How to communicate with all parties involved to minimize retaliation?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that aspect, I suggest communicating with the potential retaliators about your concerns. John/Jane will know that all of you have told JH on Thursday, so minimizing retaliation could start by softening that blow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In their mind &quot;[OP and friends] have broken our trust by revealing our affair to JH&quot; is their potential reaction, and just cause. This can be reframed as, or at least married to your and your comrades viewpoint of &quot;John and Jane burdened [OP and friends] with a terrible secret which we cannot bear any longer and are now trying to resolve that burden&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Directly addressing Jane and John with this viewpoint (before telling JH), may allow them to pause and rationally consider other perspectives before taking retaliatory actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some potential starting points for getting this message across to John/Jane:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[We (OP &amp;amp; friends)] have decided (,as you may already know,) to inform JH of what we know in regards to your (John/Jane's) relationship over the past year. We feel unfairly burdened by this secret, which has been weighing heavily on us. We feel that it is neither ethically nor morally acceptable to not share this information with JH and regret not having resolved this sooner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then it might be a good idea to take an even more direct approach and share your concern about retaliation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We are concerned that you [John/Jane] will take retaliatory action against one or more of us, and want to request that everybody involved do their best to act like calm and rational adults. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Provide potential channels for recourse&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We understand that neither of you may even forgive us for doing this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And maybe&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John, we would understand if you no longer wished to live in our shared house&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this last proposal and anything else I might write, I am straying into &quot;what you should do&quot; off-topic territory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;On that note:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that I cannot predict the actions of others any better than you. You and your friends are not blameless innocents in this situation and while you are doing &quot;the right thing&quot; now, this does not mean you should or will emerge unscathed. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-03-06T23:02:02.477" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T23:02:02.477" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11506" CreationDate="2018-03-06T22:14:56.700" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some things that just don't click for certain people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be worth considering bringing in a third person. Maybe it should be a conference call to the vendor's support, maybe a contractor for this specific issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you are both busy with your respective parts of the project. Acknowledging that you both have a shared weak point shouldn't be a deal breaker in any friendship... as long as you keep looking for a way through it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="370" LastActivityDate="2018-03-06T22:14:56.700" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11506" CreationDate="2018-03-06T22:20:55.013" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Communicating technical information to non technical people is a complicated subject. As a non technical person asking to be shown the thing isn't the best strategy for understanding  complex concepts. For instance unless you are a chemist, looking at a chemist's lab notes is going to be useless in improving your understanding of what problems they are facing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a reason you are handling the administration and accounting and they are handling the programming. You are both playing to your strengths. If you need to understand every technical decision that they make you are going to greatly slow down the development process as your friend will constantly be stopping work to teach you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself what is the relevant information to you before asking them. Trust their judgment. They're the expert, not you. If they're experiencing a problem, ask them for a quick summary of the problem, can they resolve it, how long do they think it will take to resolve, do they need additional resources to resolve it, and what are the consequences of not resolving it. If you want to know more ask them what you can do on your own time to better understand a concept. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-03-07T04:11:36.867" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T04:11:36.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11460" CreationDate="2018-03-07T00:24:25.257" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this problem constantly at work. I work in a poker room. People always want to tell you &quot;bad beat&quot; stories. How they lost this hand, or how they lost this sports bet. Or they want to talk about sports and whom they are betting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me I don't bet sports and have no interest whatsoever in sports. As for bad beat stories, they are just people venting about loosing, and are boring to listen too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the most part I just take it all with a grain of salt. But occasionally there will be a person that just keeps talking and keeps coming back to just keep talking about nothing that I care about in the least and to the determent of my time and need to attend to other duties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is generally a problem for a lot of people in my particular industry. Overtime I have discovered, or became aware, that these kinds of people are talking to me because they feel we have a general frame of reference, an interest in the subject, in my case sports and/or poker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overtime I have become a little skilled at handling these people so they mostly go away unoffended. Hopefully some of this may help you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never really had a problem with those whom want to talk about sports. They start talking and I just shrug the subject off with comment like I know nothing about sports. They get it and go away, realizing we simply had no common frame of reference for the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With bad beat stories about poker it is tougher. I play poker, my job is in poker, so I can't get away with the no common frame of reference plea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often I can get away with not engaging by finding something else that needs doing, and after doing that a few times they fade away. Something the OP is trying to do now with no real success. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One upping them with dull stuff that has happened to you sometimes works. They really want to tell you a story and get your empathy, but if you have a similar yet more extreme story it often will take the wind out of their sails. When they tell my how they lost with a full house, I tell them how I once lost with four of a kind. When this happens they will not be getting what they came over for and will stop after awhile. Your just turning their story on its head and making it about you instead of them. They wont like that and will stop coming to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turning the subject into a joke. Often my response to them is humorous. When someone wants to talk about football or horse betting, a stock reply of mine is &quot;I never bet football or horses because I was told you should never bet on things with brains the size of walnuts&quot;. They go away with a chuckle. With poker I have enough context to point out some irony or the other about the story that they are telling me. Humor works because your not giving them the ear they want and its a good way to convey the message that you are really not interested in what they are saying without coming off as offensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess what I actually convey to these people whom are intrusive like this, is that yeah we all have problems what makes you so special. I think that is the point they get without being offended by whatever metaphor I use to make the point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since almost all of these people are also my customers I have never had the convenience of just being haughty or plain with them about what I feel about what bores they are at times. The things that I do to handle these situations have never been 100% effective, some people are doomed to never getting it when it comes to social skills. With some people the talking about this and that and whatever is a compulsive behavior they can't help or stop, I have no clue what to do with some of them, short of just walking away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T00:24:25.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11513" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-07T01:28:51.107" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;A point no one seems to have hit upon: you say you want to be transparent.  Given your description of the event and your feelings, how does this aide transparency?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you recounted all of your dreams to her? If not, how is this dream different from the others that you didn't tell her about? If the answer is that you decided not to tell her about it, that is probably why you remeber it: because you you considered it and decided not to tell her.  If you hadn't thought about it, it would have most likely have faded away in a few minutes and you wouldn't remember it at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are making a mountain out of a mole hill, and in doing so giving it importance that it doesn't deserve.  If you keep this up, it will eventually gain some importance at which time hiding it from your gf will become a problem, especially if she finds out about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let it go while it is meaningless...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="470" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T01:28:51.107" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11514" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11506" CreationDate="2018-03-07T01:45:07.297" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Interesting question. One part of me wants to try and address the question for you, the other part wants to resolve the network security problem you are having!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could be way off the mark here but from you &lt;code&gt;'having access to the root or something'&lt;/code&gt; I'm guessing you have some sort of online hosting solution which you have the details of to log into the admin panel which allows you to manage the e-Mail address, monitor the visitor numbers and so on. And from you being in charge of the &lt;code&gt;'administration and accounting'&lt;/code&gt; I'm assuming this means you are in charge of adding / removing users and paying for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From these two things I get the impression that you are using the word &lt;strong&gt;administration&lt;/strong&gt; in different ways: he expects you to be a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/System_administrator&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;system administrator&lt;/a&gt; whilst you were thinking it was more of a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;secretarial position&lt;/a&gt;, adding and removing users and the like. You are now being tasked with something akin to &lt;a href=&quot;https://docs.microsoft.com/en-us/iis/configuration/system.webserver/security/authentication/anonymousauthentication&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;turning off anonymous authentication&lt;/a&gt; and you have no idea what he is on about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be more technically minded than I'm giving you credit for here but regardless I think my advice would be the same:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start by explaining to him that you think the project is coming along well but you are still having trouble with this part of it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask if he would mind going over it again, but this time with you taking notes and breaking it down to bullet points so that you have them to aid you later and so anything you are still unsure about you can get cleared up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do this, take notes and break each step up into bullet points. Note that these are YOUR bullet points, make sure every one of them makes sense to you, if one doesn't then ask him to break it down smaller, if he gets frustrated at you not understanding remind him that that is why yous are doing this, because you BOTH need to get this working and in order to do so you need a clear breakdown of what you need to do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there are still gaps in the steps, or points he simply cannot break down smaller then these are the steps you take to your &lt;code&gt;website management software&lt;/code&gt; provider and say &lt;code&gt;&quot;How do I do this?&quot;&lt;/code&gt; (or read their documentation to find out, or Google these now hopefully more specific points). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing for me here is that although you may want to &lt;code&gt;ask him to just keep explaining it until you get it&lt;/code&gt;, unless he explains it a different way each time you are just going to keep going round in circles and he is going to get frustrated and upset (as will you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By breaking it down to bullet points you can focus in on the bits that aren't being explained well enough, or that he doesn't realise you aren't understanding, and hopefully that will be enough to get him to go into more detail, or adjust his explanation. Anything that is still lacking that he can't explain is hopefully concise enough for a targeted Googling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8179" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T01:45:07.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11506" CreationDate="2018-03-07T02:17:46.060" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a technical person, this is a common challenge I struggle with - explaining complex technical issues to a person who doesn't do this 40 hours per week.  Oddly enough, I've found that it's easier to explain things when the knowledge debt is greater than when it's not.  Why?  Because people who have a lot of knowledge tend to assume that others know the same things that they do.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;|&#xA;I'd suggest reframing this in your own mind: don't think of the technical challenge.  That's his job.  Think of the service you want.  What is the result you want to achieve?  Then let him show you how to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest admitting that you don't get it.  A good technical person can accept that and work with it.  It's a lot easier for me to deal with someone who doesn't get it and tells me than to have someone keep asking the same question over and over.  If they say they don't get it, at least I can figure out where I'm failing in my explanation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's face it: technology is complicated and requires a certain thought process and skill set; otherwise everyone would do it.  In the end, you may be better asking him to take on this responsibility since he grasps it and you don't.  There's no shame in that - there's a reason I work with Project Managers and Business Analysts.  (Hint: they work at a level of detail that would put me in a swamp).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T02:17:46.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11506" CreationDate="2018-03-07T04:49:19.817" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know your question is how do I get him to keep explaining it till I get it, but I'm not sure that's fair.  Unless you're paying him for training.  I do think it would be fair to ask him for recommendations of concepts he thinks you need to understand to get his plan (like public key encryption).  There is so much information out there, and I think you should take some responsibility to get the necessary background if this is something you really want to do.  If it's not a computer science question, and it relates more to your specific design, ask him to diagram it out in a picture format so you two can look at it together.  It is a possibility that his idea doesn't actually work, and that may be the issue.  If it is, drawing a diagram will help him to process this and think about the changes you may need to make on your implementation.  His frustration with explaining it may not be due to you at all, it may be because over time he's realizing he's not connecting some of the dots or there's stuff he hasn't figured out yet.  I would ask him if that's the case, and offer to research those areas.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13699" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T04:49:19.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11522" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-07T06:32:40.203" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is absolutely no way ever that you can tell your GF about this dream without &lt;strong&gt;hurting her feelings&lt;/strong&gt;. Never, ever going to happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she were secure, she might laugh it off. But giving this kind of information to a person already suffering from feelings of insecurity is definitely going to &lt;strong&gt;trigger those feelings&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you are doing is serving yourself, rather than your GF. Your desire to be transparent is laudable, but in this case you want to unburden yourself, at her cost. There is no advantage for her in knowing this, but you will feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While there is a philosophy of radical honesty (Brad Branton wrote a few books about it), most of us subscribe to a less extreme version, because truth can hurt, and sometimes it hurts without purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand you are asking &quot;how&quot; and not &quot;if&quot;, but when you are asking &quot;how can I jump 100m straight up into the air&quot;, the truthful answer is that you can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="3375" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T15:53:18.200" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T15:53:18.200" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11523" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11460" CreationDate="2018-03-07T08:06:25.573" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell him to not bother me because I am being very very clear to him that I am not interested in talking to him. I have not been verbal about it, but I literally avoid talking to him even look away when he walks by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You need to ask that he not continue to 'follow you around like a lost puppy' - I understand that is not really what he is doing but it's non-threatening, and cutely insulting.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You should explain that he can't continue interrupting what you are doing - don't explain exactly what you are doing, going for a coffee, break, smoke, washroom, or work related - it doesn't matter what he thinks you're doing, how busy you are, or that you need his help, do not!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't make excuses or reasons for him - don't say you are &quot;busy now&quot;, &quot;need to get this done&quot;, &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; that you're going to be OK with him coming over for work related issues (though you probably need to allow that reason, don't tell him - if he brings up that excuse tell him to &quot;run your ideas by the management first&quot;, then either he bugs them constantly or does an end run, of which you can complain about).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;don't provide him a list of reasons or times that it's OK to bug you, as he's certain to think it's an invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly: explain that if it continues you will make a complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the management ever asks if everything is OK, or why your work is slow or not as good you need to decide if it's under the bus for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would also like to know if it is a common behavior among people of that age and ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's common equally at all ages, not particularly common. If your question isn't gender, race, orientation, or age related there's no reason to play the card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a problem if the one or two who do it take up 50% of your time; with useful and normal interaction taking up the remainder of the time you spend interacting with others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a significantly smaller proportion than that then you are either oversensitive or simply don't like spending any time with him (a point you need to make clear).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure why you think this is related to being older, should we ask if young people always have these problems?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... am misunderstanding him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have to take your explanation as truthful and an accurate account of both sides (unless we can see some reason to question your honesty).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He wants to prove something, to validate himself and let you know of his importance. I meet people whom have nothing on the table and do that quite frequently, elderly men are by far are the minority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This being a workplace issue and not 100% IPS be aware that you might need to rely on him for something (or he might have things set up that way) or might be assigned to work with him. You need to use good judgment and put each layer on somewhat gently, and less so if it's clear he's not absorbing the information. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't dump on him or rip a strip off of him, deserving or not, you'll have to answer to someone (in person or behind your back) after insisting he get lost. Continue long and hard enough that it's clear to him that he understands or has an issue understanding - either way he knows not to return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Document your actions, even in front of him. Be prepared to speak to the management or HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been nicer than what is described above to the undeserving and less nice to people whom had seniority - but this forum has rules about 'be nice' and helpful answers so I tried to keep it middle of the road. YMMV, adjust measurements to taste.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T08:06:25.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4815" CreationDate="2018-03-07T09:09:46.390" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you suffer with social anxiety, I would suggest a good solution is dealing with this via email/text/chat group (e.g. WhatsApp). Set up a group for all your flatmates and every month, before the bills are due to come out, send a friendly reminder note &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey all, just a reminder that bills are coming out in X days, please&#xA;  ensure you have paid into the account, thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume you can tell from the payments who has contributed and who hasn't, so when the bills come out if the account is short you can either send another group message &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks to those who have paid, I see there are still one or two&#xA;  payments missing can everyone ensure they have contributed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that fails then you can message the person directly and apply a bit more pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually think this is one of those situations where not dealing with it face-to-face has some advantages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's less personal and more business-like dealing with it at arms length.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saves awkward conversations if you aren't good at discussing this kind of thing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have a written record of communication, should you ever need it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's harder for someone to keep dodging you to avoid dealing with it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming this was a genuine mistake I think it's easily rectified, but it's also something you definitely want to nip in the bud as it can soon become a bad habit and you don't want to spend your life chasing flatmates for money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T09:09:46.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11525" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-07T09:10:40.800" Score="63" ViewCount="18283" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife studied basic-to-midlevel (by school standards) programming in upper secondary school, but then she didn't go further than that, and slowly lost the grip of it and didn't think about it for years. A few months after we started dating, she said she would like me to teach her (I'm a professional developer), and I was happy to say yes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit of background: I have a Master's Degree in Electronic Engineering, and I'm used to studying and learning things in a variety of fields. I'm far from what you would call a workaholic (&quot;study-holic&quot;, maybe?), as my will is not strong enough to make me study and work to the point of fatigue; but I've always made up for it with the natural gift of curiosity. If something is interesting or intrigues me, then I get absorbed into it, and I won't stop it working on it (or thinking about it) until I'm satisfied with my results. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, my wife pretty much stopped studying after upper secondary school. She started university, then switched to another one the next year, but dropped out of both. She had a very unsupportive boyfriend at the time, who kept telling her that she wouldn't make it and that it wasn't important anyway (he also had some very retrograde ideas about the role of women in the family), which, together with similar discouragement from some of her school teachers, led her to serious confidence issues. I worked hard to help her overcome it in the four years we've been together, and the results definitely show up, but she's not what you would call a strong and confident woman yet. She definitely has great qualities, but she can't fully accept the idea that &quot;she can do it&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further background info: I've always been a quick learner, and I've often been the one who &quot;tutored&quot; his schoolmates when studying together. This went on through university, even officially for a short time (I've been a teacher's assistant for a course after getting my bachelor), and when I started working (never in the academy) I've been occasionally tutoring university students. I've had decent-to-great results with my &quot;pupils&quot;; however, I've never received formal training in education, and the only reason I would say I'm a teacher (which I'm really not) is because I &quot;taught people&quot; in the past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to the main issue. Our home-made programming course isn't really going great. My wife definitely made progress, and managed to grasp fairly advanced concepts, but she has a very hard time putting them into practice. She is weak even in basic code-writing skills, which makes it ultimately pointless that she understands more advanced concepts. What bugs me is that what she easily accomplishes today, she may completely screw up tomorrow, for no apparent reasons. Moreover, she is not used any more to studying (we're both 34 and we've been out of school/university for more then ten years), and when difficulty arises her lack of self-confidence shows up and drives her into a downward spiral. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realized more than once that I was making mistakes in my teaching. I'm a fairly advanced developer and I always try to learn new techniques, which means I'm used to overcoming learning curves; however, this also means that I had become fairly disconnected from the reality of a beginner, who may find it difficult to work with concepts that I would call extremely basic. I've done my best to &quot;reset&quot; a few times, to start back from the basics, to not give anything for granted, and to let her take her time to take concepts in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, things are not really going as expected. For example, we've had good &quot;lessons&quot; in the last two weeks, she seemed to really move forward, I decided not to advance and to suggest exercises that are a bit of &quot;more of the same&quot;, in order to help her build confidence. Last night, she got stuck, so I guided her for a short while, but she quickly lost it, said she wasn't understanding, she kept interrupting my explanations and she concluded &quot;you could just write it yourself then&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My biggest problem is that I don't know how to handle such a situation. She kind of panics, she reverts back to her &quot;I can't understand&quot; self-blaming and self-despising self, which in turn makes me nervous and gradually angrier, to the point where I lose it too and we end up fighting. I'm aware it's a personal issue for me: I've tutored both guys and girls that occasionally went down that same road, but I always stopped that before it reached a critical point. I can't manage to do that with my wife: I take it personally, both because she can't stop panicking and let her mind take control again, and because she isn't listening to &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; (or, to put it another way, &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; am ineffective in helping her). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When that happens, especially when it's something like &quot;you did it yesterday, why you can't do it now?&quot;, I end up saying that she's not being committed, that maybe that night is not a good night for her, that she should stop and pick it up when she feels more willing to put efforts into it; she replies that I'm being harsh, that I was teaching badly that night, and that I've been scolding her too much &quot;for every mistake&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify: I love her a lot, she loves me a lot: we fight, but we never question our feelings for each other. I know this sounds cliché, but I get angry because I love her, and I only wish to see her happy with herself, to show her she can do way more than she thinks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to sum a very long post (sorry about that, but I thought the situation needed thorough explaining): &lt;strong&gt;what can I do to handle a situation where she apparently refuses to listen while I try to teach her and help her?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please, don't suggest things like &quot;you should be more patient&quot;, &quot;she should be more committed&quot;. We know it's true: we're trying to, but it's not working. I would greatly appreciate actionable advice, like &quot;try to do this&quot; or &quot;avoid doing that&quot;. Thank you for your understanding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many thanks to all of you. I got a lot of helpful advice; my wife and I haven't had another lesson yet, but we talked about it and we're willing to pick it up again next week with new energy and better understanding. You gave me great tips in many different regards: teaching in general, teaching programming in particular, and a bit of much-needed psychology (and reality checks, too). I'll do my best to put it all to good use. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure how to handle the SE side of this question, though. I probably upvoted a dozen answers, because they're insightful and helpful, but I cannot pick one for the coveted green tick. I'll be in meta to check out what to do :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13864" LastEditorUserId="13864" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T07:50:45.640" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T13:52:21.443" Title="How to improve my ways when teaching my wife" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="20" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11490" CreationDate="2018-03-07T09:17:33.170" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;IMHO, No, you should not tell her about the rape allegations.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, that's exactly what they are. &lt;em&gt;Allegations.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can neither confirm nor deny that this really happened, and accusing someone falsely can ruin that person. And even &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; it is true, it would be very inappropriate for you to break Christine's trust and disrespect Daniela's decision not to go to the police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is simply not your responsibility to protect Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can do is to talk to Daniele in person so that &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; might tell Alice about it. But even that, breaks Christine's trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorDisplayName="user13878" LastEditDate="2018-03-07T11:08:05.443" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T11:08:05.443" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11527" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-07T10:54:48.533" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Definitely agree with the top answers and comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dreams are a very obscure area of science as we do not fully understand them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of that, what are your intentions towards your girlfriend? You know for sure it will make her feel bad and concerned one way or another, it is certainly inevitable if you are saying she lacks confidence in herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As already said, it is just a dream. Even if it is your habit to recount your exceptional dreams to her, I believe there is a line you may not want to cross here for the sake of your relationship and your girlfriend's sanity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then again, are transparency and honesty worth the risk of hurting your beloved one and maybe even messing up your relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think there is an interpersonal skill here that could justify transparency in this very particular case, as it could well end up badly whatever you decide to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would definitely not recommend telling her about this dream. I mean, who hasn't had this type of dream before? You also shouldn't be feeling guilty or bad that you're &quot;hiding&quot; this from her. Again, &lt;strong&gt;it's just a random dream&lt;/strong&gt; that you said meant nothing and if you have no intentions towards the D&amp;amp;D girl (you really don't, right? You said you two clicked), then there is literally no point telling her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can definitely vouch for honesty and transparency in a couple, but when it is constructive and of important matters, telling her that you had a dream about kissing another girl might be destructive and might not improve your relationship and would not be very constructive for it. It may reveal that your subconsciousness has interest in another woman and that will definitely not reassure her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12104" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T10:54:48.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T13:00:23.283" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tried to tutor my partner at programming last summer too. It didn't go well...until maybe the last month of tutoring. Teaching someone you are too close to is very difficult, as the intimacy works against you: they don't pay for the lessons, they don't feel obliged to listen to everything you say as there is no formality in the situation, they can get distracted by anything really - including you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helped me was that the lessons HAD to be done. My partner HAD to learn these stuff, because of the exams that took place on September. Does your girlfriend still needs/wants to take these lessons? Or is it just you insisting on proving her that she can do it? If the latter is the case then you'd better give up and spend your time together in more constructive ways. If she wants to continue though, you could try a couple of methods I used myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make a better plan of when the lessons take place. Make them less often/durable if the current plan is tiring for her. Set very specific days/hours. It adds formality and gives her time to get prepared (e.g. reading her notes, see point 3 or doing her homework).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reward her. Don't make the lesson a negative experience. Don't push her if she is already tired - teach something easy instead. Leave the difficult ones for when she's hyped-up. Congratulate her when she does something right and don't be strict when she doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask her frequently if she has understood or make questions to check whether she understood the full concept of what you just taught her. She may have griped most of it, but details matter. Tell her to take notes in order to be able to remember the meaning of most of it next time. It's natural for her to not be able to absorb/understand/remember everything she is taught. She is a newbie.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she is reluctant to write code, just read her exactly what to write. She will gain more confidence just by writing and reading code and eventually start writing by herself. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't help her with her 'homework'. You will revise and correct her programms in the next lesson. This way she will try harder by herself. Don't make a scene if there are mistakes though.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that if this continues to make you fight over it maybe it's not worth it. You should stop taking it personally - it's hardly about you anyway. You could instead encourage her to watch/read tutorials in the internet (my partner currently does this and it is very successful - they are way more explanatory than me). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T07:38:46.250" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T07:38:46.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11534" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T13:10:33.837" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm also a person who gets panicky when I can't understand something. Oddly it doesn't affect me in all spheres, but it certainly affects me with computers, and particularly when it feels to me as though the person trying to teach me just doesn't understand what it is that I don't understand. Is this sounding familiar?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often I suggest in my answers that you try to put yourself in the other person's shoes, but I think that might be difficult for you if you have never had any difficultly with understanding new things. But it is worth thinking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there any subjects or aspects of life that your wife is hands-down better at than you? Is she more at ease in company, or better at map-reading... anything that she is good at that doesn't click with you? If there is, try to imagine how you might feel if you were having 'lessons' in this night after night and your wife was explaining it in ways that went over your head until you ended up fighting. Would the inevitability of your lack of understanding descending into a fight make you feel relaxed and comfortable about learning, or no?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have said that you don't want to be told to 'be more patient' and I'll take that as you understanding that already, rather than thinking &lt;em&gt;im&lt;/em&gt;patience is helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; help is for this to be more of a two-way process. You can't just pour information into someone and have understanding come along as part of the package. For some people that might work, (yay! Lucky them). For most of us the understanding part takes longer to take root and to grow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing makes a fragile/tenuous understanding fall apart quicker than stress. Knowing that failing to understand will cause a fight is a major stressor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So consider sitting down with your wife and working together on setting out some groundrules for the teaching, which are aimed at making it less stressful for both of you. Things to consider may include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Break it down. When something has become as overwhelming as this now apparently is for your wife, that scale of what you are expected to achieve can be utterly daunting. Together, work out bite-sized goals and draw up a timetable. &lt;em&gt;Listen&lt;/em&gt; to your wife's input to this and don't try to persuade her that things she thinks will take a long time should be quicker. it's &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; learning and there is no point in trying to make it be like yours. On the timetable, make &lt;strong&gt;generous time allowances&lt;/strong&gt;, reaching a goal early is much more confidence boosting than reaching it on time or late.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep sessions short. Plan start and finish times for the sessions and stick to that. Set a timer. Don't be tempted to keep pushing on because things are going well, or even because they aren't. When the timer pings stop being teacher and pupil and go back to being husband and wife. if your wife wants to carry on working, that's fine, but that is her study time, not your teaching time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take turns talking and listening. When your wife doesn't understand something, rather than repeat in the same terms explain again in a different way. But don't keep bashing away at it if you haven't managed to explain in a way that makes sense to her. After a couple of tries, sit back and ask her to explain her understanding, even if that means backing up a couple of steps to where you had last successfully made yourself clear. Listen to her logic all the way through rather than interrupting at the point you see she goes wrong. Get the whole picture, &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; you can say something like, 'Ah, I see where we've parted company on that now' rather than interrupting her flow to tell her 'no, you are wrong'.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In fact, make a pact to minimise interrupting each other. I'd allow her more leeway on that than you, if you are building a tower of explanation when she hasn't got the foundations sorted, neither of you benefit, but if you aim to keep your bouts of explanation &lt;strong&gt;shorter&lt;/strong&gt;, pausing to check that she's still with you and planning those breaks in your own flow, she is less likely to need to interrupt.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have already identified that you react differently to teaching your wife than you do teaching others, so it makes sense that you need to tailor your teaching style to reflect that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T13:10:33.837" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11535" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T13:24:18.593" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can very closely relate to you. I've learned programming by myself, out of passion, and learned a lot more a lot quicker than most courses would handle. That's not bragging, it's just, as you put it, me being fully immersed in it, letting myself get lost in every new concept I picked up. I have, however, slowly come to realize that is not the case for everyone. While I've never tutored in programming, I have done so for a couple other subjects, though it was short-lived. It could be a bit frustrating at times because, obviously, not everyone had the background that I had, or the knowledge I had, or even the same learning abilities. Some people learn differently, and that's just how it goes. Some are really good at going through long books, some learn better by trying and failing, and some by poking at examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, I think you could &lt;strong&gt;try changing your teaching method/approach&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I advise for the &quot;experimental&quot; approach first (in case you weren't trying it already). Give her a concept - or set of concepts - and tell her the basics of it. For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is a for loop. It runs this block of code as many times as you define.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But from there, try to cement the new knowledge with letting &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; tell &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; what she thinks can be done with the new knowledge. In fact, if you have some of her previous &quot;homeworks&quot; saved, it might be even better to revise them, and perhaps find a new way to improve it or implement something in it, such that it includes the newly-learned skill. Let her do some &quot;outside-the-box&quot; thinking, guiding her with anything she needs and still instructing her, but mostly letting her have a play, hands-on. Instead of asking her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you remember how to write the syntax for this particular for loop case?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try asking her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you think can be done with a for loop? In what scenarios do you think it'd be beneficial?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she can't think of many scenarios, do think up some of your own, but don't tell her. Instead, poke around them and see if she can assimilate the newly-learned concept on her own. This is a personal opinion, but I find learning concepts much more important than learning rules or applications for a concept. Suggest that she thinks up some approach to a problem you came up with. You don't have to tell her to use the newly-taught concept either. If she comes up with a different approach, don't reprimand her for it. Instead, congratulate her on assimilating &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; concept, while still pushing the new one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's actually an interesting and applicable approach! But don't you think it could have been achieved differently? Maybe there's an easier way to print numbers 1 through 50 that doesn't require 50 &quot;print&quot; lines of code? What if we had a way to count numbers like that, step by step, while still executing the same type of code?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she goes the usual &quot;I can't do it&quot; or &quot;I don't know&quot; way, don't try pushing it. Instead, simplify it further, preferably &lt;strong&gt;comparing to a previously-learned concept&lt;/strong&gt;. Giving practical examples also help. I tutored a kid on some basic algebra, where I had to compare it constantly to regular calculations before introducing the unknown variables. When he claimed it was too hard to understand, I applied practical, real life-based examples where it is used, and tried helping him reach that approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If those approaches don't work, you can try others such as an exercise-based one, where the repetition cements the knowledge, or a book-based one, where the reading and re-reading helps her understand the concept. You can try some more visual examples, where you can - even literally - draw her some examples of the concept in practice. The key here is that your approach doesn't seem to be working, so exploring other venues might be a change for good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the above is more of a practical approach than an interpersonal approach. Time to get back on track: you need to have a talk to her. Don't do it while teaching, immediately before, or after it. Pick a time where both of you are calm and can sit down to discuss. Include her in your teaching methods: you're not an institution with rules and regulations, so you can let her input define the direction you go. Make sure to clarify that you want to help her learn in an easier and more practical/applicable manner, but you find it currently unproductive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel like my current approach to programming is not getting the best of you when it comes to learning the concepts. I want to help you learn better, but I don't know how to. &lt;strong&gt;What would you like me to do to improve our classes?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By telling her you want her input on the teaching methods, you're also letting her know that you care about making her as comfortable as possible to learn. It's worth noting that this approach may or may not give her the impression that you don't think she's putting enough effort or that she's being dumbed down, so a better wording might be useful. Highlighting the issue and asking for alternatives can also be welcome:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I tried [teaching method], but it ends up with us fighting. How do you think we can change it so that it's more comfortable for us?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, wording can use some work, but the core idea is &lt;em&gt;involving her&lt;/em&gt; in your problem. Let her know that you're also concerned about her well-being and would like her help improve the situation for the two of you. Emphasize on her comfort in learning, not in her struggles: you want to make her feel at ease with learning a hard-to-grasp concept when she's already determined it's her fault, so shifting the &quot;blame&quot; to the teaching method, if done right, can help her feel more confident. This is not a guarantee, however. She might still find herself insecure, but at the end of the day, it's your job &lt;em&gt;as a couple&lt;/em&gt;, not as individuals, to work together through finding a way to make both parts happy - or, at the very least, a fair compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10317" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T13:24:18.593" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11536" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T13:49:11.463" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;Self-taught programmer here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the sounds of things you're both getting frustrated as you're at different points in your coding career. Also, from the phrases you've wrote like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;you did it yesterday, why you can't do it now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It sounds like your language is more accusatory than helpful.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You understand how to implement most things and she does not, so (from experience) it's easy to get frustrated with people at the early stage not understanding what are simple tasks for us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not saying your wife isn't partially to blame for the argument (as you probably bounce off of each other) but it only takes one person to try to diffuse one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Temperament&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a few things I'd try in order to stop an argument from escalating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take a step back when you feel yourself getting angry, remember where she is in her career and try not to say what's on your mind.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember times when you struggled with coding tasks and how you overcame them, do any apply here? Perhaps try telling her this story.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If things get really heated, just saying something like &quot;I think things are getting heated, let's take five and come back to this&quot;. &lt;strong&gt;Then actually do take a five minute break and come back to it.&lt;/strong&gt; Even when doing this with work it helps you come back to the task with a clear mind and a new outlook most of the time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If none of this is helping, call it quits for the night. Just make sure to tell your wife in advance that if things get too heated, you'd like to avoid an argument by stopping.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Teaching method&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a comment you've made it sounds like this is so she can accomplish a task as-well as improve at coding:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She has a long-ish-term goal to revamp the website of her mother's shop&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'd try and do the tutoring less like a teacher-student relationship and more like you're consulting for her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've learned coding in several languages by myself and &lt;strong&gt;the best way to learn was on the job via practical application&lt;/strong&gt;. Reading through theory is quite easy but implementing code cleanly (and knowing when to) can only be gained via experience..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let her build her applications and programs on her own, then afterwards let her explain how the code works and give her pointers on how she could optimize/improve what she has done. Give here a basic explanation and where to look but let her do it on her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also be handy to assist with certain aspects of code, do things she finds difficult in a rough fashion then let her tidy it up and integrate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This approach might work better as you're not in close proximity to each other but you're still there to help and guide her through the process.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also defines an end goal for these concepts which helps her visualize it in an application that makes sense to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T13:49:11.463" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11490" CreationDate="2018-03-07T14:57:27.753" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are 2 very good answers here that approach this from opposite perspectives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you want to protect your friend.  However, allegations of rape can destroy a person's reputation - even if they aren't true and can be proven so.  If you are friends with Bob, repeating allegations that you have only heard secondhand will forever destroy your friendship.  You absolutely cannot un-ring that bell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if they are true, you put Alice at risk.  And friends don't do that, either.  With respect to Daniella, that's information that you heard about her from another person and don't know all the details.  Was it remorse afterward?  Did she change her mind mid-act?  Were they dating and broke up and she's now angry and wants to ruin his reputation?  Did he forcibly engage in sex with her?  What is Christine's relationship with either party?  You just don't know the details here and really could stir up a hornet's nest for everyone involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best option here consists of two parts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you should only repeat things that you know to be a FACT.  You saw him behaving inappropriately.  That's something you can repeat, and Alice may benefit from knowing that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With respect to these allegations: I'd suggest advising her to talk to Daniella.   Let her find out what Daniella is willing to share.  Alice may have questions that only Daniella is able to answer.  Or Alice may (sadly) not be interested in these allegations at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T14:57:27.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11538" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-07T15:34:50.427" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You gotta start by having your girlfriend roll for initiative. If she rolls higher, let her tell you her secret feelings first. Odds are, she's had weird dreams too, and she's been struggling with them, much as lvl 1 warlock might struggle with channeling the eldritch might of the Ancient One.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you describe the dream in detail: create the world for her. Lead her through it. Show her how the characters react, how they think. If you do it well enough, she will know that you don't have feelings for this other girl, but that you definitely respect this girl as a great NPC, but never a member of your party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DnD jokes aside: relationships involve openness, trust, and restraint, which at times may seem at odds with each other. You shouldn't have to tell your partner every thought in your head, especially your dreams, which are by definition unconscious: trust that you love/like each other, and the rest will follow.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13951" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T15:34:50.427" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11540" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11490" CreationDate="2018-03-07T15:50:56.543" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you shouldn't tell Alice about Bob's sexual assault. Because your getting into a friend told a friend territory which is just not good. It is very weak evidence and often subject to being wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This however is not to say Alice should not know about this if it is true, and it is not to say you should not act to let her know. After all it seems she is with a creep, and the consequences of this are going to at least be a very broken heart in the future to severe personal risk on the part of Alice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what I suggest, you engage Christine and Daniella to bring this message to Alice. It has all the benefit of what you want to achieve, letting Alice know what she is involved with, and not betraying Christine's trust. The message will be stronger, without any of the ambiguity of it just being a rumor. This will go a long way to help validate any suspicion Alice may or may not have about Bob and help her possibly get out of harms way, then simply hearing what may be a rumor from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both Daniella and Christine have some interest in helping you. Daniella while she does not want to press charges, still has some interest in seeing that Bob is stopped from doing this to other's, and is not totally afraid of Bob, else she would of kept her secret totally to herself. Christine cared enough to tell you about what she heard about Bob, she is concerned and wants to help. These friends are your allies here, bring them together to give this to Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastEditorUserId="12720" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T13:10:31.307" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T13:10:31.307" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11541" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T15:59:03.693" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Respect, patience, and motivation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you two are in couple means you do not have the same approach to respect than you would have with a stranger, you two are already into each other's comfort zone and &amp;quot;taken for granted&amp;quot;. Why am I pointing this out? Because With a person you don't personally know (a normal teacher for example), you usually remain calm even when irritated and it doesn't burst out into a fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to stimulate her as well, show her really cool programs/projects to keep her motivated to do the same and push her to learn how to develop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Learning curve&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may NOT be as fast as a learner as you are, and you have to put yourself as a newbie all over again, the fact that you could circumvent the regular learning curve phase means that you have a clear disadvantage in teaching here like you mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may need more basic practice, give her simple basic exercises to do, how to iterate through a loop, through a list, the most basic concepts, make her repeat them for like an entire week if needed so it becomes &lt;em&gt;solid&lt;/em&gt; in her head, and if she needs it, help her out. I remember having to practice a lot more than a normal person would, it's just how some people are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One will only need to create a for loop once to understand it, while others may need to do it 10 times in a different manner to completely grasp it. Learning to program and code is &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;slow and may take years to get good at&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;, make sure you explain her that patience is &lt;strong&gt;KEY&lt;/strong&gt;, you don't just &amp;quot;Become a Machine Learning Data Scientist with this discounted 20h course&amp;quot;, it's just not possible or feasable. There are so many underlying concepts and things to graps before becoming a correct software developper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goals and autonomy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important that she knows exactly what her goal is, for example, tell her you want her to do one precise thing or exercise while still supervising her more as a &amp;quot;manager&amp;quot; than a teacher :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want you to iterate through a list of Strings, and print to the&#xA;screen anything that is equal to &amp;quot;foobar&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need help -&amp;gt; check out StackOverflow or w3school or Quroa any other tutorial Q&amp;amp;A website.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't find anything, come to me and I'll try to explain you in details&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might help her pinpoint &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; to do the things she's asked/she needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teach her to also be autonomous, and do not make her rely on you too much for learning, remind her that there are sites like StackOverflow or StackExchange::SoftwareEngineering that provide many answers to basically anything and also guidance to the best practices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal is not to leave her in her own autonomous teaching bubble and become another self-learner &amp;quot;you&amp;quot;, but rather to thoroughly supervise and manage her through every basic step of the language she is trying to learn. Do weekly quizzes as well, they might be a good way to see her progression and what needs to be more thoroughly practiced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12104" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T15:59:03.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-07T16:19:25.193" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here I see there are two insecurities: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Her insecurity invokes your insecurity&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your insecurity invokes her insecurity&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the intrication, the convolution, the complication that any couple has to deal with before they can really &quot;two becomes one&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This depends on the specification of the situation, the unique of the individuals, that both of you have to figure out how to solve this. This takes time, this is hard. But once you reach that point, you can share with each other your deepest dreams, your wildest desires both of you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry. As long as you can make sure that you will love her no matter what, then it will be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="86" LastEditorUserId="86" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T06:52:32.647" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T06:52:32.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11543" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T16:24:40.063" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Preamble:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, my friend, are a very brave man. In trying to teach your wife how to program, you are taking on two roles. One as a husband, which is an equal partner relationship. The other as a teacher, which is an unequal mentor-pupil relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to take on both relationships at once complicates them greatly. For starters, your wife is not going to like feeling inferior to you when you are teaching her. This is normal in a mentor-pupil relationship, but not healthy at all in a marriage relationship. This is most likely a major underlying (subconscious) cause to her getting angry with you when things are not going well, especially when combined with her other insecurities that you describe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume you realize that it is natural to have negative feelings (such as frustration) when your progress towards a goal is being blocked. In most cases (excluding things like PTSD and Clinical depression) it's not the negative feelings that are the problem, it's our behavior and how we choose to deal with those feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a developer who went back to community school at age 28 to learn to program, and as I'm sure you can attest to as well, getting stumped by a bug or some other problem I can't figure out is frustrating.  And I express my frustration, frequently out loud.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to expressing that frustration without damaging your relationship is to &lt;strong&gt;never direct your frustration at the other person.&lt;/strong&gt; This means that, when you are feeling frustrated, no complaining about the other person. In fact, when expressing frustration you probably shouldn't mention the other person at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Answer:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what can I do to handle a situation where she apparently refuses to listen while I try to teach her and help her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Try to avoid the escalating feelings.&lt;/strong&gt;  Pause before talking to take a deep breath. Let your muscles relax, this will help keep you calm. When you feel yourself starting to use a more &quot;passionate&quot; (loud, angry, frustrated) tone,  lower your void instead.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No accusations.&lt;/strong&gt;  It puts people on the defensive, and when people are defensive performance drops. This is true when she accuses (directly or implied) you of not being a good or patient teacher.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Express your confidence in her.&lt;/strong&gt;  So instead of saying &quot;this isn't that hard&quot; or &quot;it's simple&quot;, you could say &quot;You can do it love&quot; or &quot;I know you can figure this out, I've seen you figure out hard things before&quot;.  Having someone who truly believes in you is way more powerful then I think most of us realize.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Compliment her when you're not doing programming.&lt;/strong&gt;  Make sure the compliments are genuine and specific, i.e. &quot;Your dresser is always so neat and organized. I like that about you&quot;. Your goal with this one is to help her gain confidence in herself in general.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Jesus said &quot;cast not your pearls before swine, lest they turn again and rend you&quot; (paraphrased). I'm not calling names here, I've certainly been the one rejecting pearls of wisdom before. When either of you get to that angry place, just stop teaching. Say something like &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I love you and I don't want to have these hard feelings between us. Let's take a break for an hour (or the day), and try again then.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="10317" LastEditDate="2018-03-07T18:46:30.637" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T18:46:30.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T16:27:38.987" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If she has the basics: Teach her to help herself.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(I'm developing an arduino thing right now so my examples will be arduino realted)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I mean by this is: show her how to &quot;google&quot; the answers to things. Introduce her to SE, sit with her and google a question. For example, if she wants to save something to an arduino, tell her learning how the EEPROM works should help. Then initially, sit with her and guide her on her search for the information. Search up &quot;EEPROM, save, arduino&quot;. Point out the &quot;official&quot; sites that come up - give a brief description of other common sites that return results. Read through one with her (maybe someone asked a question on a forum) - if it leads to more questions or has useful links - open those up in another tab.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prompt her but don't dictate or guide her. Be there to answer questions but don't hover, etc. If she has the basics (code structure, understanding of basic/common syntax, etc), then she may not need anymore lessons. It may be time for her to dive right into useful projects that she is interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has trouble figuring out the &quot;standard&quot; code used to do something &lt;em&gt;(for example saving something to an EEPROM or displaying text on an OLED screen)&lt;/em&gt;, show her where an example can be found (if handy) and how to run, observe, modify and test it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure where she is in the learning process but also ensure that you teach her pseudocode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is struggling to remember basics like commas at the end of lines, make a checklist for her to check when things don't compile or run properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Work to empower her instead of her needing to rely on your lessons. Maybe this also means getting her some books, buying a Udemy course (they ALWAYS seem to have some sale on) or hooking her up with a Youtube tutorial session.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, the phrase and attitude of &quot;you did it yesterday, why can't you do it today&quot; is demoralizing and unhelpful. I sometimes (often?) forget what I was doing yesterday. Code can slip through your fingers so easily. YOU may remember but you have been doing it for years. For her these are tenuous new concepts - difficult to grasp and quick to fade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your bolded question at the bottom about what to do when she &quot;refuses to listen&quot;: Stop. Just stop. Its likely she is not &quot;refusing to listen&quot; but is frustrated that she cannot understand. As &lt;strong&gt;soon&lt;/strong&gt; as it looks as if it will hit that level of frustration (but before it does!) - STOP. Change the topic, end the lesson, go snuggle on the couch, just do something different. Frustrated people learn poorly if at all. Maybe even discuss this with her at a different time when you are both calm: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I noticed that sometimes when I'm teaching you, you can get&#xA;  frustrated and I know that being frustrated makes it more difficult to&#xA;  focus and understand new concepts. I'm going to start changing the&#xA;  topic when I notice you getting frustrated. We can revisit that topic&#xA;  later and I'll try to have a different way to explain it then. What do&#xA;  you think of that approach?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again though, if she has the basics - sit back and let her do a project. She won't know how to do it all right away, and thats okay. Give her the tools she needs (&lt;em&gt;&quot;you know how to do x, y and z; You probably want to look up a, b, and c. Let me know when you need g and h and I'll help you out there as there are some tricks you should know.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;) and step back to help only when she has questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T16:27:38.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T16:44:21.423" Score="63" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You're forgetting what made you love programming in the first place.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(hint: it wasn't &quot;getting yelled at&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learning cannot happen without both &lt;em&gt;wanting&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;ability&lt;/em&gt;.  You must admit there's a certain wonderment at how the things worked and how you could have so much effect with just a few commands (letting the computer iterate instead of you).  That wonderment is essential. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also be forgetting the speed at which you learned.  &lt;em&gt;Did &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; learn that fast?&lt;/em&gt; Don't count in months, count in hours-on-task.  If you're tutoring her for 30 minutes a day, you can't expect her to absorb &lt;em&gt;in that 30-minute window&lt;/em&gt; concepts that took you a week to ruminate and fully understand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What's her core motivation for wanting to learn?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very often, the default reason is &lt;strong&gt;&quot;to spend time with you&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.  It's about human bonding, and this motivation often blindsides geeks. (if you want to see somebody who Does Not Get It, watch &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.netflix.com/title/70140378&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Doc Martin.&lt;/a&gt;) That reason aside...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, yelling and fighting &lt;em&gt;totally defeats&lt;/em&gt; that value.   I hope we can establish that any sort of tension utterly destroys all inspiration, and so any further friction is &lt;em&gt;simply out of the question&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A programmer with no &lt;em&gt;reason to program&lt;/em&gt; will never engage&lt;/strong&gt;. The missing piece here is a &lt;em&gt;reason&lt;/em&gt; to do it: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wanting to set up &quot;scenes&quot; in your smart-lighting system (Insteon, WeMo etc.) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wanting to do macros in MMO gaming (e.g. LUA in World of Warcraft) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wanting to play with consumer-tier robotics&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wanting software-driven fashion with Arduino, Raspberry Pi, etc. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of the strategy here may be to &lt;strong&gt;introduce the reasons&lt;/strong&gt; into the home.  So if she's an MMO gamer, use that.  If you've been wobbling about going with smart-home gadgets, choose one with programming opportunities.  If you've thought about mutually playing with tech gadgets, go for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;You super, super suck at teaching&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or maybe not, but I'm saying that &lt;strong&gt;not to be mean&lt;/strong&gt;, but to re-frame your relationship with &lt;em&gt;the task of teaching&lt;/em&gt;.  Why are you yelling? Because it's frustrating. Why is it frustrating? Because it feels like failing.  Why does it feel like failing?  Because you feel like you ought to be a good teacher, and it's not working.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get over that.  This is your weak point. (maybe it's only your weak point &lt;em&gt;with her&lt;/em&gt; - and her lack of confidence is a factor.)  And I don't mean to undercut your own confidence in teaching, but I do want you to pause constantly to think about the approach you are taking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Treat &lt;em&gt;teaching itself&lt;/em&gt; as an actual craft&lt;/strong&gt; that is &lt;em&gt;a new craft for you&lt;/em&gt;.  And explore &lt;em&gt;teaching&lt;/em&gt; with the same innocence and wonderment you originally brought to programming.  It's not a failure when they don't get it, it's a victory when they do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2018-03-07T16:49:27.090" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T16:49:27.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11500" CreationDate="2018-03-07T16:51:57.167" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Firstly,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Jane's Husband is just an acquaintance, I would stay out of this as it may not be your direct business. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane is your friend, and you should discuss it with &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; instead, emphasize that you strongly discourage the way she behaves and that she should be honest with her husband. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Secondly&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking to her all together, if you, Bob, Julie and Sandra are all there to tell her how wrong she's been acting, might help her think twice about the situation she is in and maybe act on it, and that if she really loves her husband and has plans of future with him, this will eventually come back on the table sooner or later and it should be cleared up ASAP.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since Jane is your friend, you need to respect what she wants and does, even if it is terribly wrong. Make it sound like the friendship you all share with her is &lt;strong&gt;at risk&lt;/strong&gt; if she continues acting this way since none of you approve of her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By not telling her husband, and talking directly to Jane about it :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You avoid retaliation from anyone&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You remain a good concerned friend by talking it out seriously and putting Jane in a &quot;danger zone&quot; where she risks losing you guys as friends, which may help her decide to tell her husband herself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That said&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I definitely side you on the fact that it's hard to just sit three and witness a honest person being cheated on, but if after doing what I suggested you, nothing changes, then I would definitely recommend you telling the husband as you planned, following the aforementioned advices : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being direct, but calm&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Emphasize on the fact that you are sorry to be the one telling him these things&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That you put yourself in his shoes and couldn't just remain without doing anything&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps and good luck with this affair. Also, if you do decide to tell the husband about it, make sure to honestly and calmly tell John of your intentions, which may greatly reduce the risk of retaliation from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12104" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T16:51:57.167" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11547" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T17:04:24.720" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give yourself an image of her that you can love or have compassion for. Maybe her as a small girl with scraped knees, crying. Whatever works for you. The picture should make you want to help her and be there for her, hug her for her sake. The image should also be strong enough so you stop being with yourself. Because that's what you do when you take stuff personally. And women are amazing at detecting a lack of presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she says: I can't, she's trying to justify her fear, uncertainty and overwhelm. Last line of defense before the reactor starts melting. Because, if she can't, she doesn't have a say in the matter and therefore doesn't need to feel as inadequate. It's untrue, but &quot;I can't&quot; is easier than &quot;I don't&quot;. Feelings usually don't care about reality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if fear takes over, &quot;I can't&quot; may very well feel very real to her. The fear has to go before trying to cram more knowledge into her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's about the two deepest psychological fears: &quot;I'm not enough&quot; and as a consequence &quot;I won't be loved&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, start training. About 5 minutes a day, imagine her pulling off her defense mechanism and see her as the vulnerable hurt lovable woman. Train the idea that it has nothing, really nothing to do with you, it's just her hurt. And then imagine yourself doing the right thing. No blaming, no judging, just being there for her. In such moments, she needs your love and full presence much more than your coding skills, because when she feels uncertain, the topic is irrelevant and not the solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not what happens decides whether you take it personally but how you interpret it. Training to meaningfully reframe the situation before it happens is the key to being able to do the right thing when usually you'd do the thing that feels right: taking it personally, feeling unable to help her, being in total reaction, etc. I call it autopilot. Reaction without sound strategy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.&quot; Mark Twain&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same concept. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's all about emotional support. When she gets uncertain, you need to stop thinking of yourself as a tutor and start being trustworthy, dependable 100% partner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as the downward spiral even hints of showing up, you need to switch focus. Check thoroughly for anything that might make her feel less certain or less significant. Uncertainty is poison. Scale goes from 0 to 10 and she's close to 0. In such moments, she runs out of confidence juice. The brain hates that. Correcting her, making her try again when she feels she &quot;can't&quot;, that'll all have to wait a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, the coding skills should be a side benefit. What she really needs to learn and train is to trust herself again. Certainty is trainable like a muscle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every week get a few hours worth of practical psychology for a while. Books, videos. Then train what makes sense, more importantly, train what works. Women have different approaches than men. It's inbuilt and it's fine but you need to learn to play by the rules. The rules of her brain. And they don't teach those rules in school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful that you pursue the right goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note: How many times per hour does your teaching make people laugh?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12148" LastEditorUserId="12148" LastEditDate="2018-03-07T17:22:49.043" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T17:22:49.043" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5481" CreationDate="2018-03-07T17:25:38.570" Score="0" Body="&lt;h3&gt; Increase your chances for feedback&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, the issue in your workflow appears to be that you take a task on and complete it if possible - working in isolation until you reach a blocker. As you mention, you've been told to ask if you are unsure - but don't because you did feel sure. &lt;strong&gt;This is not a good way to work.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For any problem solving task where there may be multiple solutions to get the end result, it's important to involve people at as many steps as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Understand that asking for feedback is not asking for help&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking for feedback does not mean claiming not to understand what you are meant to do, or asking questions to get a better understanding. It is not asking them to do you a favour by asking for advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It means inviting somebody else to give their opinion on what you're thinking. This is giving them a chance to be involved in your process, and offer their opinion. You should view this as a good thing for them - you are including them in the decision making and giving them a chance to voice any concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind, it should be clearer that providing more opportunities for feedback will generally be received well by your colleagues and not seen as pestering them for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Plan for feedback during your development cycle&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So as this is a good thing for your colleagues as much as yourself, it should be clear that asking for feedback more regularly is a good thing. As such, you should mentally schedule time into your planning for when you will ask for feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some example times it might make sense are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After initially reading the specification&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After doing initial research into the problem and finding potential solutions&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After prototyping areas of the problem and finding out new information&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After settling on a final implementation, before fully implementing it&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After completing the minimum implementation, before signing off on it&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the situation, you may want to offer more or less opportunities for feedback. But you definitely need to offer it more often than you currently do. Remember, you are not asking for help - you are giving your colleagues a chance to be involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to ask for the feedback&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you've got a plan for getting the feedback - it's important to focus on what you wish to get out of it, and how you can best invite people to give it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asking for feedback, I'd suggest including the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give people a rundown of what you have done so far &lt;em&gt;(which may just be &quot;I have read the specification, and understood it as x&quot;)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Describe what option you think is the best contender &lt;em&gt;(&quot;I was looking at implementing this using an OpenGL frame, which should allow us to do x,y&quot;)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain what concerns you have &lt;em&gt;(&quot;But I gather that might be a lot of work&quot; or &quot;Although I'm not sure it's the best, I haven't found any alternatives&quot;)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Invite them to give their thoughts &lt;em&gt;(&quot;Do you have any ideas on this?&quot;, &quot;Does this seem sensible to you?&quot;, &quot;I know you have experience with y, does that make sense to you?&quot;)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The process doesn't need to be formal/written (although it can be if that works best for you), it can just be a quick &quot;Have you got 5 minutes to check some things over with you?&quot; conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10883" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T17:25:38.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-07T18:07:18.213" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just don't tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are making this about you.  But it is about her.  I understand, completely, you'd like to tell her, to feel 100% transparent, etc. and etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But she doesn't want to know.  She really doesn't &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's take an example, she dreams about George Clooney.  Do you want to know that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She isn't going out with George.  She doesn't care about him.  It was just a dream.  It literally meant nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;best&lt;/em&gt; outcome I'd suggest is you laugh and say &quot;sorry I don't look that good&quot;, right?  Or something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you wouldn't blame her, surely. Its just a dream.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But still... I don't look like George.  My gf dreams about George.  Does she in any minor way wish I was like him?  See the problem? :( It's a minor but negative thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think it's a problem? Own it.  You dreamt about another girl.  So you own it - and not tell your gf.  It is a little uncomfortable (I personally think you are overthinking how much - but hey, it is your relationship, you are better placed to judge) but take the discomfort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But really my advice is - if you feel it'd be uncomfortable to tell her, Don't.  It's not dishonest. It's just kind. You didn't do anything wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12652" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T18:07:18.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4277" CreationDate="2018-03-07T18:28:26.800" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why's it your problem?&#xA;Either he really doesn't appreciate shared chores as much as you.  Or he does but is lazy (perhaps unintentionally.)&#xA;If it's the first you need to decide which is more important to you (this bf v. shared chores)&#xA;If its the second, sorry, its also up to you to decide which is more important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm aware my answer makes it seem like &quot;it's the woman's problem&quot;.  But I intend it as &quot;It's your (whatever sex) personal choice&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12652" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T18:28:26.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T19:40:09.360" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What bugs me is that what she easily accomplishes today, she may completely screw up tomorrow, for no apparent reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;suggests that she has mislearned something and needs to go through the difficult process of unlearning and relearning.&#xA;I'd concentrate on this, figure out where she's gone wrong and emphasize how hard unlearning can be so she won't be too hard on herself.&#xA;I was defeated by this when trying to tutor an in-law in calculus and programming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13963" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T19:40:09.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11553" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11554" CreationDate="2018-03-07T16:00:23.987" Score="25" ViewCount="6086" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something relationship/sex -related happened to me half a year ago, and since I still haven't recovered, I have decided to seek professional help. I have very different background than people in this country, and I have never been in therapy, so I don't really know how to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I tried to talk about it online, people just dismissed it, saying that it is normal and I'm not allowed to be traumatized by it. Because of my religious background, this just happens to be the most traumatizing thing I can imagine. &#xA;I can't just ignore it even though I know most people wouldn't feel the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to go too much in detail what happened, but after, I have had this kind of thoughts, like obsessive thoughts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was a prostitute.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was raped for many months.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He meant to give me to his friends to use.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I barely escaped gang rape.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I stayed, he would have sold me to sex slavery.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I talk to any man, they might rape me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All men have raped women.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously I'm not going to say these things to the therapist, because if I did, she would lock me up in mental hospital and throw the key to the bottom of the sea. I &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that what happened doesn't fit to the western dictionary definition of rape or prostitution. It's just it &lt;em&gt;feels&lt;/em&gt; hundred times worse than rape.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's completely unimaginable that this kind of crime would happen in my previous community, few decades ago it would probably have resulted to a death sentence. So, naturally how I feel and think are a result of that community and is very different than how people in liberal country feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to make the therapist understand how big issue it is, without thinking I'm delusional. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="220" OwnerDisplayName="Boat" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T16:34:18.173" Title="How do I tell therapist that something is a big issue to me, even though culturally it's not?" Tags="&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-03-08T16:30:56.867" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11553" CreationDate="2018-03-07T21:01:58.007" Score="66" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Preamble:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, I'm so sorry.  It appears that you have gone through something very traumatic.  From your question, it sounds like someone you trusted and loved, someone you were sexually intimate with, betrayed you, and mistreated you.  Regardless of what the rest of society thinks, that person's betrayal has caused you some very real and very serious harm.  I'm so very sorry that you've had to go through that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see a culture tag so I'm going to assume you are currently living in a western culture such as France, Britain, or the USA.  I assume that it is in a western culture that you will be getting counseling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is unlikely that your counselor will judge you harshly.  &lt;strong&gt;Her goal is to help you.&lt;/strong&gt; Let me repeat that. &lt;strong&gt;Her Goal Is To Help You.&lt;/strong&gt; Any half decent therapist will do this by listening to you, getting to know you and understand you and then offering advice about things you can do, say, or think that will help you heal from the past trauma you have experienced.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when you talk to her just be open and direct about your thoughts and feelings.  You ask specifically: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I tell therapist that something is a big issue to me, even&#xA;  though culturally it's not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say something simple like so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that society does not see this as a big deal,  But it is a big&#xA;  deal to me.  It makes me feel. . .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then describe your thought and feelings to her as you have done here.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also state this concern:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Obviously I'm not going to say these things to the therapist, because&#xA;  if I did, she would lock me up in mental hospital and throw the key to&#xA;  the bottom of the sea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No, she won't.&lt;/strong&gt;  She will probably feel bad for your misfortune. She may challenge some of the thoughts that you are having.  But that's just part of trying to see things from all perspectives and discover the truth.  &lt;strong&gt;If she is in any way dismissive of what you have gone through or of the pain you are feeling, you should find a new therapist.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling your therapist these things you've told us here is exactly the first step you will need to take in order to begin healing yourself from the harm you have received.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to live with this fear and pain.  You can heal from this trauma.  You will need help, you will need professional help. I'm convinced nearly all us humans need some professional counseling in life.  You may need to challenge some of societies common beliefs.  You may need to challenge some of your own beliefs.  It will be hard work and practice doing the things that will help you recover.  Just remember you can recover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3981" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T04:00:04.290" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T04:00:04.290" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11555" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8654" CreationDate="2018-03-07T21:43:42.797" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;About two weeks ago I found a girl online that sparked my interest&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Today I followed a friend's advice and simply asked her if she wanted&#xA;  to have coffee, to which she replied, &quot;I'm too lazy to leave home&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So have you seen her in the physical world? Perhaps you should first verify that she exists as a woman, with the physical appearance and age she put up online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For security reasons, you may want to &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt; to talk to her through online video, such as through Skype, where you can follow the topics you have discussed. If she refuses, you can be more cautious, especially on monatory issues. Otherwise, Rose Hartman's advises would do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13967" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T21:43:42.797" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-07T22:01:23.140" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a professionally educated software developer, I suggest you rely on materials produced by professionals to instruct your wife. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an experienced amateur, you should investigate the material first.&#xA;This approach has four fundamental purposes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You won't have to create the structure for her. You are not a professional at this.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You will learn the material first so that you can bring it to her as a tutor instead of a teacher, which seems to be more in-line with your experience and comfort level.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You will be able to move through the material faster than she can, so you will be able to filter out noise in the materials that is inconsistent with her goals and focus her efforts on productive work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You will become a better developer in the process, which should feedback and make you a better tutor for your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You likely also would benefit from investigating the concept of Code Katas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I mentioned before, I'm a professional developer. I do this all day every day and if my wife approached me with a request to teach her, I would buy her a PluralSight subscription then I would make myself available to discuss any concepts she wanted to delve further into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13603" LastEditorUserId="13603" LastEditDate="2018-03-07T23:58:09.737" LastActivityDate="2018-03-07T23:58:09.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11557" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11559" CreationDate="2018-03-07T23:50:43.723" Score="4" ViewCount="932" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My significant other has a tendency to be forgiving and nice, almost to a fault.  It becomes an issue when it comes to her abusive father, whom she loves, but he has done nothing material to help her besides the occasional apology here and there over the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, recently, my significant other told me that he got laid off.  I told her that I am sorry to hear that, and that it is rough.  She then told me that she was going to support him in the near future because &quot;no one else was&quot;.  I told her that he was 50 years old, has enough skills and know-how (he once worked for NASA) to find another job, and that she is under no obligation to support him.  I also said that once her chickens are in a row and her life is in order, maybe then she can choose to support him insofar as she is comfortable, but even that (to me) is going way above and beyond what she has to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that she still feels sorry for her dad, but if she exhausts herself supporting him, it will take a needless toll on her well-being, as well as mine. In addition, he has done some things (which my significant other has told me herself) to the point where I don't want to see him anywhere other than a public place. She gave only a curt &quot;we'll talk later&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an important issue to me, and she knows well that I have a low opinion of her dad. It is also not in her nature to dislike other people close to her. That said, this is something I can't just let slide. She has gone to counseling in the past, but they said &quot;I think she is dealing with this well&quot;.  She has not gone to counseling since. I'm in a bind, where do I start?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11821" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T00:22:53.437" Title="How do I tell my significant other that she does not have to support her abusive father?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11558" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11553" CreationDate="2018-03-08T00:10:18.467" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Long time ago I visited a psychologist with group therapy.&lt;/strong&gt; The group of about five to ten people met once a week. This went on over many months with mostly the same people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I learned a couple of things and I'd like to share them with you because I think this will help you&lt;/strong&gt;: many people have lots of different problems and each one thinks for himself/herself that his problem is a big problem. I met a woman whose brother tried to kill her when she was a baby because they didn't have any food. She survived but she remembers this and many other problems decades later and obviously that is a BIG problem for her. When I met her in group therapy I thought something like &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Why am I here? My problem is nothing compared to her problem.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; But then over time I learned about the different problems from each of the people in the group. For me some problems sounded huge and other problems sounded small. But for each individual his or her problem was his/her big individual problem. And that's the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It does not matter if other people see your problem as small or big; it is a BIG problem for you. And that is what counts.&lt;/strong&gt; Psychologists know this and they take the problems from each person seriously. We have to learn that there is no fixed scale about what a small problem is and what is a big problem. &lt;strong&gt;When our problem is a big problem for us that is all that counts, it does not matter what others think.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you talk freely to your therapist. She will understand that this is a big problem for you - even if maybe it wouldn't be a big problem for herself personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T16:34:18.173" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T16:34:18.173" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11557" CreationDate="2018-03-08T00:22:53.437" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question contains a good bit of your answer.  Start with &quot;I understand that you feel sorry for your father.&quot;  It sounds like she is a pretty great person and that is most likely a good reason you are in the relationship together.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep this about her, and nothing to do with you. There's no need to remind her of her father and what he has done.  I'd suggest pointing out how it will affect her, however.  Every couple has limits and I'd explore setting them together.  How much support? How long?  How will this be communicated to him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When setting those limits, I'd say what you've said here:  if she exhausts herself supporting him, it will take a needless toll on her and you don't want to see that.  Help her to see what those limits are beforehand, and be there to remind her when she approaches them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T00:22:53.437" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11563" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-08T02:15:10.973" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I once read something about needing to adapt teaching method and subject to the students learning stage. Coming from someone who grew up with a physicist for a father, this rung a bell with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The basic idea is that people develop mastery of skill according to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreyfus_model_of_skill_acquisition&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;the Dreyfus model&lt;/a&gt;. You need to understand where a person is in that model and adjust your teaching to that level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, if someone is still getting used to pointer manipulation, loops, pass by value vs pass by reference, etc. an abstract lesson on patterns is going to be completely lost on them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its not just a matter of how advanced the topic is. A simplistic view of teaching style would address the mastery levels somewhat like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;basic skills/rules to solve simple problems in a rote way. eg: start with simple functions and named parameters.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;when those rules start to fail, or the student sees better ways, introduce optionality. eg replace named parameters with typed data structures&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;student starts to anticipate problems based on experience. introduce OO/classes with accessors/mutators and loops vs recursion, defensive programming&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;mastery -&gt; patterns&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13973" LastEditorUserId="2078" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T13:52:21.443" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T13:52:21.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11564" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11592" CreationDate="2018-03-08T02:29:02.240" Score="7" ViewCount="796" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to share more of my life with my mum. I feel it would benefit me personally to open up and listen to her advice and comments, and also benefit our relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I never did this growing up, and recent attempts resulted in a sudden vast over-compensation that I could not handle. Hopefully some Inter Personal Skills can allow me to try again, but this time steer the conversation/s in a way that I will be able to share things slowly or at my own pace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my recent attempt to share, I had &lt;strong&gt;just&lt;/strong&gt; planned a first date with a girl who I did not know too well, (getting to know each other was the entire point of the date). I figured that if I could share this with my mum at such an early stage, it would serve as a sort of ice breaker, making it easier for me to continue talking about it down the road. So I brought it up, and although a standard first date is not a very big deal, because this was the first time I have ever mentioned something like this to my mum, it was. She asked me a barrage of personal questions, most I did not know the answers to and all of them I felt too awkward to answer. In the end, I ran away like I was still a teenager without telling her a large amount of what I set out to (where I met her, what sort of date it will be ect.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still feel like sharing things as early as possible will help make it easier down the road, but now that we have been on the first date I am unsure how to do so while avoiding a similar situation to what happened last time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit: Another way of rephrasing this that might help is &quot;You simply want to steadily share more of your life with your mom. You want to figure out how to start said task. But, incidental to this desire, there are some mannerisms that might be a possible road block.&quot; - @BenjaminStarkis&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I share my personal life with my mum at a rate that I am comfortable doing so?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Some details about me, mum, our relationship and our culture)&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;We are working middle class in Australia. Family culture is pretty mixed, mostly Irish, English, Kiwi, Australian, Romanian and Maori. It is not a big part of our lives. My mother and I get on well with plenty of mutual understanding and occasional bickering. We live together. (I recently moved back in to be closer to work and save money) It is very obvious that she has always been interested in learning about my life, growing up her embarrassing overreactions led to me never sharing anything personal at all and only recently have I tried to change this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T04:01:04.827" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T07:14:06.350" Title="How to better share personal details with my mum?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;sharing&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11564" CreationDate="2018-03-08T04:03:06.900" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Transparency about your personal space is paramount&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you share details to your mom, she asks questions at a rate that is uncomfortable and causes the reactions stated in your question.  It doesn't seem clear to your mom that it bothers you when she reacts with a barrage of questions when you open up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say if she questions you at at a rate that makes you uncomfortable, make this known.  Your mom does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; want to make you uncomfortable on purpose.  Tell her that you want to open up, but not feel coerced into doing so.  She loves you, but you need your space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11821" LastEditorUserId="11821" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T04:08:21.663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T04:08:21.663" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11553" CreationDate="2018-03-08T06:46:12.200" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The job of a therapist includes &lt;strong&gt;validation&lt;/strong&gt; of whatever you are feeling. If she dismisses your thoughts, immediately walk out and find another therapist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your thoughts are the exact reason that people go to therapy. Our minds are imperfect products of evolution, forged with the purpose of survival, not happiness. They sometimes go wrong, and they have a strong tendency to err on the side of false positives. In simple terms: If something moves in the bushes, it is better to falsely think it is a lion (cost if you are wrong: You ran a bit for nothing) thank to falsely think it is not (cost if you are wrong: You are lunch).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a hunch of what happened to you and the feelings you describe are exactly this kind of false positive mental reaction. The cost if you are wrong is fear and unhappiness, but the cost if you thought the other way around and were not careful in the next similar situation would be that it happens again. So your mind, trying to protect you, accepts the cost of fear and unhappiness because that reduces your chances of survival less than the other option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any halfway good therapist will understand this and also understand that in order to help you, they need to &lt;strong&gt;validate&lt;/strong&gt; your feelings, i.e. completely accept them without questioning, denial or refusal. Otherwise you will not open up to talk about the underlying problems (e.g. your cultural background making you think such thoughts, victimising you more than the event itself did).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your fear about the therapist is most likely unfounded, and if you do not like the therapist, changing one is perfectly acceptable. The relation between therapist and patient is vital to therapy success, and sometimes two people just don't fit to each other. So the worst that can happen to you is that you waste one or two sessions while finding the right therapist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: A therapist cannot throw you in mental hospital and throw away the key, even if they wanted to. Only a judge could do that, and as long as you are not a danger to others, nothing even remotely like that is going to happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS2: I think you did a fantastic job here explaining how big the issue is for you. If you use similar words to explain it to a therapist, I am sure you will be successful in conveying that information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T06:46:12.200" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11570" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-08T07:47:26.887" Score="24" ViewCount="14873" Body="&lt;p&gt;Today is &lt;em&gt;International Women's Day&lt;/em&gt; and I would like to tell the women who are around me and affect me &quot;Happy Women's Day&quot; as a gesture of appreciation of what they doing, they can be from my family or work or a friend or an internet friend. I do this because I believe that they are as strong as any men and are capable of a lot more than many people think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However the issue is that some people even find it to be a sexist day and I do find few of the women's day circulating messages sexist themselves and always take care of what I send. Even there are many popular social media hashtags such as #UncelebrateWomensDay and #CelebrateWomenEveryday and view this one-day celebration as more harming than good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I want to know how can I tell women &quot;Happy Women's Day&quot; on Women's Day without hurting women who don't even like the idea of this day?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="26" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T20:43:37.383" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T04:30:49.700" Title="How to tactfully acknowledge a woman on Women's Day?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11570" CreationDate="2018-03-08T08:19:00.803" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest you contact the women you like to thank and just thank them for whatever you want to thank them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't mention Women's Day.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some women will know it's Women's Day and they will appreciate it. And some women may not know about Women's Day or don't care about that day. But &lt;strong&gt;if you contact them or talk to them and they understand that you really care about them then they will appreciate what you do&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be sure you know why you want to contact them and say thank you so that they don't just think you do it only because you somehow think you should do this on Women's day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T08:19:00.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11574" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11570" CreationDate="2018-03-08T08:44:30.617" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it just in France that it's not the &lt;em&gt;International Women's Day&lt;/em&gt; but rather &lt;em&gt;International Women &lt;strong&gt;Rights&lt;/strong&gt;' Day&lt;/em&gt; ? I think it makes quite a difference &amp;amp; excludes the opportunity of wishing anything to anyone!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, I agree with Edgar &amp;amp; stand for the choice of &lt;strong&gt;thanking/politely complimenting her&lt;/strong&gt; for whatever you want to tell her. I was studying in Hungary last year &amp;amp; most of my schoolmates / teachers wished me a good IWD (maybe it's because I was studying electronics &amp;amp; informatics, which seems to be an uncommon thing for women there). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I really didn't like it &amp;amp; felt being considered differently than my male schoolmates.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obviously my feeling, but long story short, I'd recommend you not to place your message in any other frame than pure &amp;amp; uninterested gratitude. Which is a very nice thing to do to people! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T08:44:30.617" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11570" CreationDate="2018-03-08T09:04:20.323" Score="71" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not all people (not even all women) know what is the intended purpose of celebrating International Women Day. IWD is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; a &quot;thanks women for being there&quot; day. &lt;strong&gt;International Women Day is the civic holiday that remembers the violence, inequalities and sexism suffered by women, and celebrates the civil right acquired so far by women.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wish the women around you with this meaning in mind. If they tell you that they don't like it for some reason, you can simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I just find it {nice|awesome|interesting|however you find it} that there is a day to raise awareness of gender inequalities around the world. I didn't mean to offend you, I'm sorry that I did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T14:07:44.303" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T14:07:44.303" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-08T09:50:53.893" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are teaching her PHP and, I assume, MySQL on a WAMP/LAMP stack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are also a fairly advanced developer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One simple suggestion.  Both of you become beginners and learn together!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learn a new stack.  MEAN (MongoDB, ExpressJS, AngularJS, NodeJS).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are probably adept at learning new concepts, so, become a beginner just like her, and be her companion, not her teacher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wife will be energized by the companionship &lt;strong&gt;far&lt;/strong&gt; more than you would, and you should give it a shot...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cringed at the idea of a beginner learning PHP/MySQL, on top of the fact that NoSQL is simply a much more useful DB schema than relational DBs in majority of cases.  Plus the frontend and backend is JS, so you do not have to switch between HTML, PHP, and SQL.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="451" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T09:50:53.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-08T10:22:41.950" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to add a different type of answer. All the above focusing on teaching and your relationships are brilliant, but in your question you mention how she sometimes reverts back to her old and unconfident self.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to point out that this is a hurdle in and off itself, that should be dealt separately and not just when coding while stakes are higher and emotions might run high.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She IS the victim of minor/major trauma (boyfriend bashing her self esteem, dropping out of uni twice). This is the kind of stuff that creates unconscious emotional blocks. All of your language is very suggestive of this :she reverts, she panics, she feels judged and scolded too much. I'll venture a guess that the reason, deep down, for her forgetting how to do something is that in between recalling and doing it she feels she can't and that's enough to trigger some defense mechanism she learned (e.g. Give up, so at least her former boyfriend would cease the self-esteem assault).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing is if she did a little bit of therapy on it. I stress that while this might sound extreme to both of you, it is actually the simplest way to address the core issue. Furthermore, just considering it shifts the focus away from &quot;she has issue with coding/you have issues with teaching&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the ips part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may or may not be easy to break to her. You'll probably want to start discussing the self esteem topic with her first. Ask her how she feels about the situation and listen most of the time. See if there is a topic there (her past self esteem issues) or whatever comes out of it. Then, once you two are convinced that there's a deeper issue to be addressed, you might suggest therapy. Be prepared to reiterate your advice a few times with a lag. There is no shame to see a therapist, yet we often are ashamed and it takes a little bit of time to come to terms with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal advice is psychoanalysis, but your mileage may vary and she should shop around for a therapists she thinks are what she is looking for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9151" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T10:22:41.950" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11578" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-08T12:19:23.970" Score="2" ViewCount="629" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine is a student at a british dental school, and the seniors in question are the professors of said school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has mentioned her professional environment is predominantly female, with male seniors. She feels the seniors are very domineering and pompous in conferences and large meetings, which occasionally manifests itself in a mildly sexist manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This friend doesn't wish to cause a ruckus, she is doing well but I mentioned that if things are getting on her nerves, she probably isn't the only one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I responded that she might be complicit unless she complains but am starting to backtrack in my thought process. I completely understand that maintaining the status quo is much easier and she doesn't feel she has a rigid statement that can be made (the difficulty of the situation) as it's primarily the emotional response to derogatory statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;[Edit]&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;br /&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is: Without intervening directly into the situation, what advice can I provide on dealing with sexism in professional spaces that won't hinder her work/work relationships more than it currently is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is a deep thinking introvert, doesn't always answer the academic questions she knows the answers to and definitely doesn't want to sour relationships with professors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned above, the examples she gave didn't immediately sound like sexism, hence the difficulty in raising formal complaint, but perhaps a perception over the past 4 years of her degree that confirms the small comments. Specifically, there were a series of taunts to the students due to the lack of answers to the questions he was answering (its exam season, other priorities exist). Over the years, some students have had bum slaps, etc, which is a flagrant issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My fear is that this behaviour unchallenged perpetuates an unsuitable situation for students of the years to come. They're certainly a part of an older generation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should also add, this was a quick 10 minute outpouring while I was driving, so I'm unable to provide the level of detail some are asking for. It clearly was a point of emotional difficulty because she phoned her mum soon after the event. What I can say is that the subtlety of sexism was demonstrated through mannerisms and body language, not with physical contact (exception mentioned above) or direct speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;[Edit 2]&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;br /&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expanding on my question, I have thus far advised that she create some formalised complaint to register her issue with the conduct of her professors, perhaps anonymously. I have also suggested speaking to her course reps. She herself conceded that the issues were too vague, which is why it hasn't left her immediate friends and family up to this point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The core of the issue is definitely an emotional one. As a direct individual, my standard approach is to fix a problem head-on by speaking to those I have fault with, if I deem the battle worth pursuing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To provide more specific context (to the best of my ability as I don't feel I can revisit the topic without her prompting), what alternative advice can I offer for responding to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Corporate blame and receiving downspeak from seniors&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Responding to sexism in the workplace without a clear case and point for formal allegations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13938" LastEditorDisplayName="user13938" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T17:49:18.333" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T17:49:18.333" Title="How can I advise my friend to respond to subtle sexism in a professional environment?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-03-08T14:32:36.943" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-08T13:14:48.190" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to contribute a different perspective.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No.  NO.  &lt;em&gt;NO&lt;/em&gt; !  For the love of God, don't be her teacher.  You are her partner and her lover.  Focus on being a good partner, on being the man that you are. You CANNOT be both a partner and a teacher.  It is creating stress in your relationship, as is obvious in your answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She clearly has some motivation and some skills. Suggest she takes a course, online or at the local college. Help her with choosing a course (but the final choice must be hers), drive her there, support her with homework, accept her decision if she decides to drop it or change to another course etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep the time that you spent with her teaching her, and use it for something else that is meaningful to the two of you and doesn't lead to so many arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: Partner and I are experts in very different fields and learn in very different ways. We've tried teaching each other, didn't go well, caused stress etc.  Our agreement now is that we only offer help when the other person asks for it - and the person asking for help has to be in full control of how much help is given, what time, when to stop etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6566" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T13:14:48.190" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11578" CreationDate="2018-03-08T13:24:45.407" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She feels the seniors are very domineering and pompous in conferences and large meetings&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overly inflated egos are a staple of the strange world of academia. It isn't for everybody. Tickling such inflated egos is generally not a good idea. They tend to make a lot of noise when they blow up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...which occasionally manifests itself in a mildly sexist manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to convince someone to stop doing something, you will have a much easier time if they already understand that what they've been doing is bad, or are perhaps a bit ashamed of it, or have been doing it due to lack of other options. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if the seniors are part of the older generation, they might not perceive what you label &quot;mildly sexist&quot; as sexist at all, in fact they might consider it &quot;business as usual&quot;, absolutely normal, nothing to see here. In this case, your friend's chances of convincing them to change behavior are basically nil.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely outcome if she puts her foot in it would be her getting involved in a hands-on close-up study on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactance_(psychology)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;reactance&lt;/a&gt;, which can be summarized in one simple sentence: if you tell someone they're a problem, and they don't think they're a problem, then they'll think you are the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering you say it &quot;&lt;strong&gt;occasionally&lt;/strong&gt; manifests itself in a &lt;strong&gt;mildly&lt;/strong&gt; sexist manner&quot;, and since you did not provide any specific examples, it would be wise not to attempt to convince her to make noise about the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO, the best way for her to convince her teachers to be a bit less sexist would be to produce academic work of excellent quality...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T13:31:47.760" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T13:31:47.760" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-08T13:49:00.863" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would be wrong if I told you there was a one way approach in such cases, the best I could do is tell you how I did it in my own case. Always remember everyone and every situation has an element of difference and you would be very wrong to assume two situations alike just because their key elements are the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our time together, I've had to teach my girlfriend different things. From APA referencing to basic computing to Calculus during the college days. They've all been different subjects but the approach has always been the same - be less of a teacher, no matter how good your teaching skills are and more of a stern but understanding guide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may seem cold and not too important but I say this because I've had to &lt;em&gt;reteach&lt;/em&gt; her certain things she already learnt in school, and it was only when I finally let her take the driving seat that it stuck. So in other words, teach her how to drive, don't chauffeur her around in your own 'good' way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Importantly, remember you are not in a classroom therefore the same rules don't apply. In as much as we go to school to learn, the people who do any learning are still the ones who would have still learnt without even coming to school. They are the ones who basically just needed some sort of guidance from either the curriculum and/or the teacher. They are still self-learners. Now In a one-on-one learning situation, the teacher becomes perceived as the sole source of any and all information regarding the material or subject being learnt and this is why you have to assume the role of the guider instead of the teacher. It is only when the student sees you simply as just a guide, that he/she tries to fly on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How then do you this, how then do you bring out that self reliance from the student? Put simply, &lt;strong&gt;Results&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to my girlfriend analogy. I used to wonder why she didn't know some basic stuff, and to be honest it slightly upset me. But I realized, she didn't know because she either didn't need to know before or didn't bother learning it(Note that she didn't bother learning it, not that she probably hadn't been taught before). My first line of action was to improve her reliance on Google. Yes Google. That was probably a key move that has helped both of us till date. Do not underestimate the importance and efficiency of an individual being able to google their problems most of the time. I had to be rigid when it came to the googling stuff. If she asked any general information and I noticed she was near a computer or had her phone with her, I always reminded her to google it even though it was something as simple as verifying a spelling or something she was a hundred percent sure I knew. It wasn't easy at first, sometimes I fell under her charms when she said something like &quot;I just want to hear your own personal version since that's the best version&quot;. However, most of the times I was steadfast. Now I miss her small questions but I am very proud of the &lt;em&gt;googler&lt;/em&gt; she has become.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This whole googling thing was serendipitous, but I realized she was more likely to do stuff and excel at that thing if she did on her own with minimal input from me. Once I found that out I started being less of a teacher and more of a guider. Whenever I had to explain something complex I always made sure after a thorough explanation from me, she went ahead and read something else not from me, entirely on her own. Initially I always did something as mundane as copying or moving many files for her. I stopped it and decided to explain how it is done. All that brought about our basic computing tutorship phase, and while she frowned at it initially,(I'm a mechanical engineer turned web developer so according to her tech stuff is my purview not hers) she told me the other day how her friends think she is a computer ninja. I immediately used that opportunity to remind her how she achieved all that on her own and how it would not have been possible if I had continued helping her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the whole being a guide thing worked because of &lt;strong&gt;results&lt;/strong&gt;. She finally saw what it meant to get there by herself and how better it made her, so while she still complains sometimes, she is reminded of how important it is to do it on her own for the most part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember how I talked of the importance of results? Something also important is incremental success. As people experience small wins, they become &lt;em&gt;juiced up&lt;/em&gt; for the next level of difficulty. It goes hand in hand with the results they have been seeing to bolster the I-can-do-it-myself attitude. So you have to start from something small and win at that thing, then move upwards from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Now how do you apply this to your situation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are a professional programmer, your wife has some computer knowledge and you wanna bring her up to speed. You both love each other but what is obvious is the fact that you both have never shared a tutoring relationship, and the first time you do this, its with programming that can be so daunting. I would say she needs to learn how to trust your judgement and you need to learn how to teach through guiding especially since we're dealing with programming. All programmers are self-taught, some just have other teachers apart from themselves. If you're honest to yourself, you'll remember nobody actually taught you programming. Sure you had to learn in the classroom, read books, watch videos, search stackoverlow, build projects, etc. But all this you did on you own at some point. Now you can almost learn anything by reading the docs and maybe seeing a couple of use cases. That level is what you should strive for in the case of your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forget programming for a while, pick something very simple and guide her through learning it. By being a guide, I mean introducing her to it, showing her how it is done, showing her more information and how she can get it and making sure she consumes some of those information entirely on her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A list of things you could consider&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just like me, remind her to always google her problems&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can show her how to refine her google searches to show her most recent entries&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider teaching her how to download her favourite Youtube videos&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Introduce her to browser extensions and how some of them actually save lives(be prepared to be asked if there's an extension for this or that. Just refer her to google in that case ;) )&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider introducing her to the educational side of Youtube if she doesnt already know&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Introduce her to the countless free but good MOOCs the internet has to offer. (This is the first step to learning how to learn)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let her know she can watch xvideos without you knowing by simply going incognito ( she would love you even more for this)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway you get the point, just develop a &lt;strong&gt;history&lt;/strong&gt; of guiding her through stuff, so that when you are guiding her through difficult stuff like programming, she would entirely trust your judgement and most importantly, she would understand its in her own best interest when you make her do stuff on her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is quite long, but there was no other way I could pass this across. In a nutshell, develop a history of getting good results through guiding her through a learning journey while showing her pointers on how to learn. It is probably through this way that she would learn whatever and love you even more. Double points!!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Very Important:&lt;/strong&gt; Please use discretion and realize she is only human, sometimes just help her fix her code even if you taught her that same thing the previous minute. She was probably drooling all over you while you were talking :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13999" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T13:49:00.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11584" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-08T14:42:00.073" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're doing a decent job of teaching theory and higher level concepts, but if she's struggling to put it into practice perhaps it's time to take a break from that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find something that she's interested in, and let her build it. Perhaps it's a simple tool she can use or something related to a hobby. &lt;strong&gt;Rather than trying to explain to her how a loop works in an abstract way, allow her to run into a real problem in which a loop is the answer.&lt;/strong&gt; It sounds simple, but this will make a massive difference in her ability to understand these concepts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should also allow her to gain some confidence and cultivate passion by creating something herself that did not exist before. It's important that you give her plenty of space and time during this phase, helping out only with her specific questions. Keep in mind that it takes most of us years to become even decent software engineers. Don't force her to think about other things that you will inevitably notice in her code, it's not helpful at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As time goes by, you should be able to add in some review sessions where you can dig into more advanced topics and show her some engineering concepts that can make her problems easier. The key difference here, again, is that she can see how these concepts apply to real problems that she has encountered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do begin to review her code, take care to only bring up one or two concepts at a time. Don't attempt to tackle every issue you find in a single code review as it will overwhelm her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5341" LastEditorUserId="5341" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T14:48:56.717" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T14:48:56.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11585" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11605" CreationDate="2018-03-08T15:39:24.623" Score="16" ViewCount="2493" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend I'm having a hard time communicating with for the past few months. She's been diagnosed with &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)&lt;/a&gt; for a handful of years (which has been the backbone of a history of emotional  instability and suicidal behaviors), and lately this has reared its ugly head all over again. &lt;strong&gt;(FYI she &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; undergoing professional help throughout this time)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I feel uncertain/uncomfortable is that while I want to be there for her, &#xA;we haven't been in contact during past episodes of hers and thus I'm not sure what is the best way to support her. She's essentially emotionally &quot;blank&quot; during these episodes, and they can last for days/weeks/months.  So far this has resulted in our conversations starting/ending on her emotional state (usually about how she feels so tired and hopeless).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried responding to this by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Telling her &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; care about her wellbeing and her place on this Earth&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talking about her experiences with all the other people who care about her (family, close friends, etc)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talking about the positives she contributes to the world&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talking about every day life so she can have a break from talking about her illness&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Offering to listen if she ever needs to talk about something (including &quot;call me anytime&quot; privileges)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Asking her if there's anything I can do to better support her&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it feels like these things make 0 impact to her when she's in this state.  While I don't believe I can &quot;save&quot; her from these episodes, it makes me wonder if there are better ways I could be responding to support her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar to how using an &quot;I-statement&quot; is a proven method of expressing how you feel, &lt;strong&gt;are there any specific interpersonal skills/strategies that work best when speaking to someone who is in emotional distress or emotionally disconnected from the world&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;P.S.&lt;/strong&gt;: We don't live near each other anymore (several states apart), so my words are all I have for supporting her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;P.P.S.&lt;/strong&gt;: Again, she &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; already seeking professional help, and I'm not trying to be a replacement for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T17:58:10.183" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T08:58:08.710" Title="How to communicate support to someone who is emotionally disconnected?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11586" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11585" CreationDate="2018-03-08T16:12:46.360" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Introduction note, I'm not sure you could really help when she's in such periods. We're talking about an illness &amp;amp; though I don't know much about bipolar disorders, I've suffered from depression &amp;amp; know pretty much that when someone's going through a circle of suicidal thoughts, there's little to do that would help for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you tried determining &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.5lovelanguages.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;which love language is hers?&lt;/a&gt; It might help you discover what could work best for comforting her/express that you're here for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, say you're figuring that her primary love language is &lt;strong&gt;presents&lt;/strong&gt;. Then you can send her a box filled with sweet things she likes and little notes, it coulp help her realizing your support more than words. If it's words, then you could write her a letter and tell her how much she's important to you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you all the best, as her I've been suffering from psychological problems and I realized it's not a piece of cake for people who care about you as well. Hope she'll be better soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T16:19:39.553" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T16:19:39.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11585" CreationDate="2018-03-08T16:23:18.777" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you are already saying most everything I would recommend as well as a couple of things that I would not have thought of.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point &lt;strong&gt;what your friend needs most from you is consistency&lt;/strong&gt;.  Just keep doing what you are doing.  You see you can't help anyone unless they want your help.  The fact is the only person capable of fixing your friend is herself.  No amount of professional help or friends like you will help her unless she listens and apply what she hears.   She has my sympathy,  changing yourself is hard when you're feeling good, it's nearly impossible when you're feeling depressed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just keep doing what you are doing.  Show her an example of how life can be enjoyable despite the hardship inherent in living.  Give her encouragement and that she matters.  And hopefully one day she will wake up, metaphorically speaking, and realize that what you have been telling her is true.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you should consider that some changes are unseen.  Perhaps your current efforts have already started to have a positive effect on her and you just don't see that effect on the surface yet.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, to both you and her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-03-08T17:57:52.597" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T17:57:52.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11570" CreationDate="2018-03-08T16:34:23.593" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;rather than make a big deal out of mentioning it, why don't you do something to demonstrate that you acknowledge women's achievements and support them in being treated equally? E.g. there are a couple of great Facebook pages like &quot;A mighty girl&quot; or &quot;I f*****g love science&quot; which tell cool stories about women in science or in other fields, where their achievements are often not known about e.g. Celia Payne-Gaposchkin, who discovered what the sun was made of. Why not find something inspiring and share the story with your friend.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a feminist, I can tell you that men sparing the time and imagination to learn about what is happening for women, and why equality or lack of, is still a big issue is much more meaningful than any acknowledgement of IWD. Taking the time to show by actions and not just warm words, is worth more than anything, eg supporting female colleagues to be heard in meetings, making sure they are getting credit where it is due, listening when the women in your life tell you about stuff that gets to them, and empathising with their experiences. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for caring enough to ask this question, and I hope my tips lead you to enjoy discovering women who did amazing things who you will never have heard of or seen a statue of!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14019" LastEditorDisplayName="user13878" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T06:24:01.780" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T06:24:01.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11570" CreationDate="2018-03-08T16:43:24.670" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;What is wrong with simply wishing someone a happy women's day?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make a big deal out of it and don't waste your time with people who do. If someone seriously attacks you for a simple wish like that, shrug and walk away. Some people you just can't satisfy, no matter what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; that a particular woman doesn't like the idea of women's day, simply don't congratulate her, and that's it. If you &lt;strong&gt;think&lt;/strong&gt; so, you could be wrong. Wish them a happy women's day and be about your business. Even if they don't like the celebration, all you did was wish them a happy day, what is wrong with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="3375" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T05:12:56.463" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T05:12:56.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11564" CreationDate="2018-03-08T17:57:33.927" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As kids, parents are active participants in their kids' lives.  Once you become adults, they are more spectators.  It's harder for some people to switch roles than for others and a lot of it depends on how the parents taught the kids to live as adults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's really intrusive, it may because she still wants a more active role.  That's up to you to assert yourself and limit your mother's role to &quot;inactive observer&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a grownup, you get to determine what you will share and what you won't.  When overly personal questions start, I'd first respond with something like &quot;Whoa!  When did you open a confessional?&quot;  or something absurd to make a joke about it and show that you aren't interested in sharing that detail. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she persists, then I'd step to &quot;You know, I'm just not comfortable sharing something that personal.  Let's talk about...&quot; and change the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even more importantly, control the conversation.  Start by telling her what you want her to know.  Don't let yourself get sidetracked.  I'd suggest using the telephone first; let her get used to hearing you on the phone (assuming you don't live there...), telling her about what's going on.  As a side bonus, if things get out of control, you can always say, &quot;Well, it's been fun but I have to go.  Bye!&quot; and hang up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T17:57:33.927" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11525" CreationDate="2018-03-08T18:06:51.367" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, I'm unable to give a complete answer, but maybe I can help with some info. I can see two possibilities: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She is having a hard time to cement that information in her brain, maybe it's because she really didn't learn and just kind copy and pasted what she was taught. ( I love studying history but I really have a hard time to correctly remember dates and the correct order of facts) Maybe she need much more exercises and sometimes free coding only by herself.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She is having good and bad day with something she is having a hard time to understand and barely was able to complete your exercise. I will explain, there are days when you are in your best shape at work and is able to find a lot of solutions for different problems and some days that you just screw up and should have stayed in home. So, lets think everything is hard for her to understand, in a good day she is able to complete the exercises, in a bad day she is unable to do anything because it's hard enough. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of focusing in solutions that it's like shooting in the dark, I would try to understand more and more why it's so hard for her. If she isn't self confident, forget programming a little. Try to see something she is good at, like cooking, call some friends and let her cook the best dish she can. Let other people than yourself praise her for her good work. Receiving compliments from other people than your partner make miracles to self esteem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14021" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T18:06:51.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11564" CreationDate="2018-03-08T18:11:42.730" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She asked me a barrage of personal questions, most I did not know the answers to and all of them I felt too awkward to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell her how you feel.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to make your interactions with her easier is to tell her that the barrage of questions makes you uncomfortable. Make sure to start you conversation by making it clear that you are making an effort to include her in your life, then you can ask her to make an effort to help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, I know you want to be involved in my life more. I want that too, and I'm trying to make a habit of telling you about things going on in my life, but it's really uncomfortable for me to answer all of the questions you ask when I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother asks me a lot of questions when I tell her personal things. Bringing my concerns to her has always helped us communicate in a way that is better for &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; of us. It's important to remember that your mother has communication habits that have been built up over her life. With this approach you would be asking her to change those habits, but depending on how long she's been doing them, it could be very difficult for her to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;So what to do if she keeps asking too many questions?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few options that you can try if your mother isn't able to provide the level of communication that you are looking for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1 - Change how you communicate&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try to tell her things in person and then she barrages you with questions, then don't tell her things in person. Other forms of communication, such as text messages, slow down conversation (thus limiting her questions) while also allowing you to be more selective about what you respond to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2 - Change when you communicate&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pick times to tell her things when there won't be much time for follow up. To use your situation, instead of telling her about the date in advance, tell her right as you are leaving for the date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By the way Mom, I won't be home for dinner because I'm going on a date with a new girl I met. I'll tell you more about it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach gives her the promise of more information, but gives the responsibility and control of that to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastActivityDate="2018-03-08T18:11:42.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11594" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11595" CreationDate="2018-03-09T03:47:58.457" Score="0" ViewCount="286" Body="&lt;p&gt;I go to dance classes run by one group and we have a common facebook chat to suggest bars to go to that play suitable music. We've talked about how we need to support venues by inviting non-dance friends and having dinner there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my friends added a guy who now wants to run dance classes from the bar separate from the original group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have issues with this as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There is peer pressure to join his dance class on a regular&#xA;basis. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He acts like we owe him something. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Other dance events come up at the same time as his class - the purpose of the chat is to promote all events not just his.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;one of the ladies has pointed out that their partner is busy at that time. Which he can't really argue with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there similar arguments I could make to &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say I'm not interested in his class&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suggest events that are on at the same time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is that a good idea?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question is as much about having a &quot;ready to go&quot; answer should this come up again as it is about the current situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13620" LastEditorUserId="13620" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T09:00:21.190" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T09:00:21.190" Title="Saying not interested to business offers in a group setting" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;groups&gt;&lt;dances&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-03-09T06:43:31.223" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11594" CreationDate="2018-03-09T04:39:05.587" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this falls into a common category of interpersonal missteps. Nice considerate type folks try a little too hard to soften the blow sometimes. And less nice, less considerate people will tend to try to take advantage of that tendency. Nice folks feel the need to be &lt;em&gt;nice&lt;/em&gt; even when they're under no obligation to be nice, which leaves not so nice people a lot of room to get away with nonsense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've said it before and I'll keep saying it till it stops being true; &lt;strong&gt;you don't have to qualify the word &quot;No&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No.&quot; is a complete sentence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like being polite you could stretch it out into a:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, thank you, I'm not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advantage to using an unqualified &quot;no&quot; is that it gives the not-so-nice-person no angle to argue with. You didn't give them a reason to work around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel strongly about the situation, you could &lt;strong&gt;consider telling them the cold hard truth.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your post it sounds like something like this might fit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I dance for fun, not to line your pockets. You're exploiting your friends, and the bars we enjoy dancing at. If you want to follow your dream of being a dance instructor, do it properly. Rent out a hall, buy your own equipment and some music and invite people to your classes. &lt;strong&gt;Few things kill a good time faster than someone turning it into a poorly managed business.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen not-so-nice-people do this in a few local music scenes... They find something that young folks were doing on their own, for little to no money, and try to find a way to make a living off of them. They didn't really add anything to the experience, they just figured out a way to squeeze themselves in as a middle man of sorts. These people are, to be completely honest, parasites; they'll bleed a scene dry if you let them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T04:56:08.283" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T04:56:08.283" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11597" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11599" CreationDate="2018-03-09T05:32:39.850" Score="45" ViewCount="12190" Body="&lt;p&gt;My sister recently accepted a high-paying job offer as office administrator in a local firm in our hometown in India, run by a divorced middle aged financial consultant. She is due to join next week but has now been informed by very reliable parties with direct experience that this person, her future boss, is a habitual womanizer who makes subtle advances upon female employees to start an 'office romance' (euphemism for an illicit affair.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister doesn't need the money but says that &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; future boss could be a womanizer we don't know of, and does not want to give up the job just for that reason. However she feels that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; the boss makes an improper advance and she rejects it (even gently yet firmly) it could poison the atmosphere at the workplace. Although the person might possibly tolerate her firm but gentle rejection of his proposition, she would surely lose the job as a result, or else feel obliged to resign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal&lt;/strong&gt;: She is determined not to accept any proposition from him for an illicit liaison even if she loses the job as a result. How can she convey her unwillingness even before he thinks of making the typical 'romantic' overture?  Actually talking about it with the boss is culturally impossible and would be considered a great insult here in the entire South Asian region, so her goal is to proactively prevent any such proposal by making it clear by her &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;body language and general behavior&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; that she is not 'available' even though she is an unmarried young person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this even possible to convey through body language and general behavior and if so, how can she achieve this aim?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: these advances by the boss may very possibly be construed as sexual harassment at the workplace but she has no direct experience or evidence of it at this point and filing a complaint after rejecting an improper proposition is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; my sister's goal here. She is not going to be a member of Stack Exchange at present but she will read the answers posted. I am familiar enough  with the details to make any necessary clarifications. The interpersonal talent of our members is urgently needed here!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T06:09:28.120" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T08:14:40.227" Title="Can my sister convey to her womanizer boss by her body language and general behavior that she is not 'available' for an 'office romance'?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;&lt;sexual-harassment&gt;&lt;south-asia&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11597" CreationDate="2018-03-09T06:15:37.817" Score="53" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hope to have this answer surpassed by others with a better grasp of the localized environment. Until that time, this is my take on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the described reputation of the future boss, I'd say that her body language and general behavior can make it clear to everyone, &lt;strong&gt;except the boss&lt;/strong&gt;. I say that based on the description of the boss, which suggests that he's going to &quot;read&quot; anything the way he wants to read it, not the way everyone else would read it. If he's chosen to violate social norms, as the question suggests &lt;em&gt;do exist&lt;/em&gt; against workplace sexual harassment, then he's not going to acknowledge less explicit clues in her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can &lt;em&gt;attempt&lt;/em&gt; to minimize her odds of being noticed by denying her own femininity. Wearing very &lt;em&gt;unrevealing&lt;/em&gt; clothes, &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; styling her hair, and other measures to reduce her visual appeal. All in the hopes that he will look elsewhere for victims. In doing so, however, she has no real assurance of success and is abusing herself, and her spirit, to avoid his abuse. If he has already exhausted the current workforce in search of conquests, then he'll &quot;notice&quot; her, regardless of such counter-measures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what little I &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; I know about the culture in question, the only measures I can think of are not interpersonal in nature. A responsible male family member could speak in her behalf to the boss and &quot;draw the line&quot; that he &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; know better than to cross. Raising the specter of &quot;family honor&quot; might cause him to avoid the consequences (maybe).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other alternative, which seems to be counter to the culture, is to openly express, verbally and with witnesses, that &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; office romance is out of the question. She need not single out the boss in doing so, rather include all male employees, from janitor to boss, in the statements. The hope here is that the boss will realize his reputation has been exposed, and avoid the issue himself. Having the power to terminate her employment without consequences limits his inducement to &lt;em&gt;behave&lt;/em&gt; and reduces her chance of success using any measures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="27" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T06:15:37.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11597" CreationDate="2018-03-09T06:21:07.133" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;How close-knit are your residential and work communities? If your sister has enough privacy in the town, she can pretend to have a boyfriend.  Does she have a guy friend that's willing to pretend to be dating her? She can occasionally call him using the office phone, &lt;em&gt;while her boss is near her&lt;/em&gt;, and say stuff like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... hey, busy day at work.  Can we watch that new movie, X, tonight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and also mention him during small talk with her new boss, e.g. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... oh yeah, this weekend, I'm going to restaurant X with my&#xA;  boyfriend, John! ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and hopefully he gets the point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is for her to talk with him directly, when he makes his move on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her boss hits on her, she should tell him that she's not interested.  It’s possible for her to be respectful while making her position clear. Appropriate responses include, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’m sorry if you got the wrong impression, but I want to keep our&#xA;  relationship professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’m just starting this job. I would like to have a great work&#xA;  relationship with you.  However, one of the rules I’ve set for myself&#xA;  is that I don’t get personally involved with people at work.  That’s&#xA;  not about you, it’s just my rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2013/06/25/when-the-boss-hits-on-you-3/#26c3234f5cd8&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2013/06/25/when-the-boss-hits-on-you-3/#26c3234f5cd8&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T06:58:00.133" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T06:58:00.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11564" CreationDate="2018-03-09T07:05:54.300" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't share everything&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a big believer in sharing your relationship details with your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need the freedom to become an adult and part of becoming an adult is to become less dependent on your parents and more independent. Additionally, your mother needs to become less dependent on you. She needs to develop a life of her own now that her role of a parent is diminished as you become a responsible adult. This transition needs to eventually happen with every mother child relationship. It is just part of growing up and it is a healthy change. With your description, I'm not sure you two have gone through this change yet but you should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need your parents permission or opinion on everything you do as an adult. When they ask awkward questions, you need to just let them know they were great parents; they gave your good values and thanks to that you'll figure it out on your own and that they need to trust you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you become more of an independent adult you will take some calculated risks (e.g. ask a girl out) and make mistakes (e.g. not every date will go well.) The last thing you want to hear after a date didn't go well, is an analysis from your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Improving communication with your mother&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start by focusing on creating healthy adult communication with your mother about topics other than girls by sticking to life topics like: work, finances, hobbies, health/sports/exercise or even daily hot news politics. Also instead of just sharing your life, ask her about her life. Be supportive of her developing her life outside of taking care of you. Be supportive of her work, hobbies, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do eventually get a girlfriend and you want to share. I suggest only sharing things like outings you went on, events your attended together, etc. Never get into feelings or details about your significant other. Keeps those conversations private between you and your significant other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do this well, when you eventually move out and live with your partner, you'll have the foundation to keep the communication going with your mother without it being awkward or intrusive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust me, this will all make sense eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14045" LastEditorUserId="14045" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T07:14:06.350" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T07:14:06.350" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11604" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11570" CreationDate="2018-03-09T08:08:22.743" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what they refer to with the posts regarding &quot;sexism&quot; in this case is that usually women get congratulated on on IWD(International Women's day), which is sort of insensitive. Congratulating someone on being born into a sex, which gets marginalised a lot, on a day for lifting these issues that we've had and continue having is not proper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, saying &quot;Happy International Women's day&quot; and recognizing the day  is not at all sexist or marginalising(in my eyes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also agree with other posters saying that actions speak louder than words. Doing something to show appreciation and respect for the women around you is probably the better way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14054" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T08:08:22.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11585" CreationDate="2018-03-09T08:58:08.710" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, I would suggest that you follow the NIMH advice; especially the last two points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tips for Family and Caregivers&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To help a friend or relative with the disorder:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Offer emotional support, understanding, patience, and encouragement—change can be difficult and frightening to people with borderline personality disorder, but it is possible for them to get better over time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Learn about mental disorders, including borderline personality disorder, so you can understand what the person with the disorder is experiencing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Encourage your loved one who is in treatment for borderline personality disorder to ask about family therapy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Seek counseling for yourself from a therapist. It should not be the same therapist that your loved one with borderline personality disorder is seeing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My background; I had a partner with mental illness; I have also worked for a mental illness research doctor (as a layman.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some opinions I developed mostly from living with someone with a mental illness. I could be 100% wrong for your circumstance, so do check with a professional first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Help Her Get Multiple Levels of Help and Support&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make sure she sees an appropriately skilled doctor.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ensure she has people around her that are supporting her on a regular basis in person. She shouldn't be left alone or be isolated.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She should ask her doctor about support groups in her area. For some mental disorders, there are local support groups run by former sufferers that have beat the disease or at least have found coping mechanisms. Sometimes knowing that you are not alone and that other people have beat it can be encouraging.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be Reliable&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be consistent and reliable with your contact with her. She needs to know you are not going to disappear on her. Don't be afraid to always call at the same time. It's like being a good parent: the most important part is being there and not about being perfect or always having the right thing to say.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Send her a postcard or something physical that will remind her of you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Send her a birthday card and Christmas card every year.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Help her Develop a Routine as a Coping Mechanism&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Help her form a schedule/routine that she does no matter how she is feeling. E.g. get up at same time, go to bed at same time, eat healthy meal(s), exercise daily, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't Go Down the Rabbit Hole&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When her feelings are messed up. Don't focus on them. You need to get her thinking about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach 1: Focus on actions. Ask her to do things. They can be simple things but be insistent. It can be simple things like: &quot;when I get off the phone could you write down and send me that recipe to that meal you cooked me last time I visited, because I really liked it&quot;. I know this advice may sound weird, but when my former partner was having a episode of major depression, I wouldn't talk with her about her feelings because it was pointless. Instead, I would sometimes force to her into action. E.g. &quot;you need to weed the garden while I mow the lawn; then when we're done we're going to go do X, come on let's go.&quot; Where X was something I knew she normally liked. Sometimes when my partner was really depressed, I'd even have to get mad at her and get her to do her &quot;chores&quot;. Oddly, this sometimes helped and she got angry back at me; as I saw it I was happy because anger was better than no emotion.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach 2: You do the talking. Tell her an engaging story about what is going on in your life. Funny or embarrassing stories are the best. E.g. &quot;You won't believe what a huge fool I am, today I ...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end there is no magic words you can say. It's a mental illness that she needs to manage with help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14045" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T08:58:08.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11597" CreationDate="2018-03-09T10:43:05.050" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep it professional.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since a direct confrontation seems not to be possible, I suggest her to &lt;strong&gt;gloss over&lt;/strong&gt; and cut short on every non-professional interaction between them. Simply don't give &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; sign of getting the sexual subtext to her boss approaches. She should be firm and polite: she's acting well within workplace limits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some possible behaviours would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he starts a conversation not about business, she could cut short and redirect it to professional discussion instead.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he wants her to answer personal questions, she could give an absent-minded and vague answer &lt;strong&gt;without returning it&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As soon as he starts talking about things unrelated to business, she could excuse herself and tell him she must &lt;strong&gt;go back to work&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he insists on this behaviour during breaks, instead, she should go away telling him she has other things to do. No need to make up plans: he doesn't need to know them to let her go. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She should try to &lt;strong&gt;be alone with him as little as possible&lt;/strong&gt;. However, I know that this depends mostly on him.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She should refrain from starting a friendship with him through instant messages. However, if he explicitly asks her to join him on chat, I'm not sure about how she could refuse. If this happens, behave as suggested in my second point.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if it's possible, she should &lt;strong&gt;tell her coworkers about this and ask for collaboration&lt;/strong&gt;, so that if he starts harassing her, one of them could call her for some &quot;urgent business question&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer: I'm not from south Asia, therefore I'm not sure this will be an useful answer.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T16:28:02.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T16:28:02.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11597" CreationDate="2018-03-09T11:21:30.357" Score="20" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this even possible to convey through body language and general behavior and if so, how can she achieve this aim?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wear unisex business clothing if possible; otherwise dress conservatively&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't share personal information&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;be professional but aloof&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;observe how other woman at work have avoided being harassed; be like them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Around boss:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;appear confident but distracted/disinterested&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;avoid prolonged eye contact; look over his head or scan room; look at other people, look out window, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;practice a poker face; show no emotion&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;cross arms and legs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't smile&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't lean in; always keep distance between her and boss; if he leans in lean away or angle away subtly; or start standing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't flirt with hair&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't adjust clothing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't point feet or legs toward him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't ask boss personal questions, show no interest in him in any way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he shares personal information, ignore it; never remember anything personal about him if he asks&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't date or show any interest in any other man at work&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't wear perfume&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he does make an advance, don't reject it verbally; just ignore it completely like it didn't happen; show complete disinterest and move on if he stops (this way, she gives him an out... and hopefully he'll be confused and just stop and never do it again)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More extreme measures:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get male friend to pose as fake boyfriend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't know about your culture, but if there a way she could appear to be unavailable due to religious reasons?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;could she appear to be gay? or at least asexual?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;eat food that gives her bad breath&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he is short, tall, fat, skinny, bald, old, etc.; let it be know through the office rumorville (that will get back to him) that she only likes man that are the opposite&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;maybe she could find some dirt on him early, as protection? this may be extreme&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;subtly hint that you have some very rough, violent or powerful people in her family or fake boyfriend's family (has to be done in way that is not illegal or a threat)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;find out something he hates in his &quot;interests&quot; and do it to become unattractive to him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Final thoughts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation, she has a lot less power than him. Her best course of action is to start searching for a new job and have a backup plan in case the worst happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14045" LastEditorUserId="14045" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T11:26:48.343" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T11:26:48.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11570" CreationDate="2018-03-09T11:26:12.533" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;tl;dr&lt;/em&gt;-&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;em&gt;Women's Day&lt;/em&gt; makes sense in some cultural contexts but not others.  When appropriate, try to frame it as a celebration of societal progress.  Be sure to avoid &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=White%20Knight%20Syndrome&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;white knight syndrome&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; and other forms of inadvertent sexism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a friend who's really struggling with money and worried about where their next meal'll come from, it can be kind to offer them some money.  But if you have a friend who would otherwise seem to be doing well, just randomly offering them a bit of money to buy food could come off as rather awkward, if not outright offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This issue is similar.  If you know someone who's genuinely insecure about being a woman, then wishing them a &lt;em&gt;Happy Women's Day&lt;/em&gt; or simply telling them about it can be an act of kindness.  The more insecure they's feeling, the more appropriate a well-delivered comment could be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if a woman feels that she's an empowered, respected individual, then offering her a reminder that she's&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;stringer then men and capable of way lot then any men can think&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will sound weird, like offering a fiscally stable friend money.  If this is hard to imagine, consider someone telling you that it's &lt;em&gt;Men's Day&lt;/em&gt; and that they appreciate you for being a man; weird, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing would seem to be ensuring that you're delivering these comments to people who'll appreciate them.  This is, you probably shouldn't just randomly message every woman you know; that'd probably come off as weird overall.  Instead, if you have a female friend who you know feels unappreciated because she's a woman, then you might mention the holiday to her in conversation, telling her that you're happy to see the public gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And to warn ya, it sounds like you might have a touch of &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=White%20Knight%20Syndrome&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;White Knight Syndrome&lt;/a&gt;.  You'll probably want to reflect on that a bit before messaging anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if/when you do message someone, it's probably best to point out Woman's Day as a societal showing of respect/equality, rather than as a personal gesture on your part.  If you have a bit of White Knight Syndrome, you may be hoping to score some personal points today, but if you really care about folks, that's probably not the best idea.  If a woman's feeling insecure, ideally she'd feel appreciated by society, not just by you personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Summary:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Consider who'll appreciate a &lt;em&gt;Happy Women's Day&lt;/em&gt; rather than just saying it to everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The holiday's about society appreciating women, not you.  Completely remove yourself from the picture, and don't try to use today as a chance to score points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be careful to avoid accidentally implying anything bad about women, even implicitly through your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You may want to reflect on your own views of women a bit, as &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/revisions/11570/1&quot;&gt;the original wording&lt;/a&gt; of the question sounded a bit off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;RE: Cultural notes&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just thinking about it a bit, the culture that you're from would seem relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the part of the world where I'm from, there's simply nothing wrong with being a woman.  Telling a woman that she's appreciated for being a woman would pretty much be the same as telling a man that he's appreciated for being a man; this is, it'd seem weird and a touch sexist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, I appreciate that cultures vary significantly around the world.  And, in some parts of the world, women are subtly marginalized; in other parts of the world, women are blatantly marginalized.  So, &lt;em&gt;Women's Day&lt;/em&gt; would seem to make a lot more sense elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I suppose that a correct handling of this issue would vary significantly by culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;RE: Framing &lt;em&gt;Women's Day&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the above answer, I'd suggested that words of encouragement would be appropriately delivered to those who're feeling insecure.  This framing seems like an objective way to consider the situation, but it's not the right framing for external discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When trying to actually make people feel better, it'd seem more effective to frame &lt;em&gt;Women's Day&lt;/em&gt; as a cultural celebration that everyone's doing.  I guess that calling it &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;International Women's Day&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; was actually clever, in that it helps to reinforce this framing.  This framing makes it sound more like something everyone's doing, rather than a specific showing of support, taking that awkwardness out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1563" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T12:31:58.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11611" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11623" CreationDate="2018-03-09T11:39:04.263" Score="14" ViewCount="2053" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have had a friend during my college days. Unfortunately, it was only one directional and she never reciprocated my friendship appropriately. She used me for monetary purpose and mistreated me whenever I visited her home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was an occasion where I really needed some legal advice and her father guided me appropriately. I did thank him for his help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, her verbal abuse continued and I distanced myself from her, completely. And it has been quite a few years now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would be attending a wedding in a few months and I have understood that she is in the guest list as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Had it been a few years back, I would have hated the thought of seeing her face let alone meet her, but now, I am more mature and want to handle the situation appropriately. The kind of person she is, I am sure she would want to strike a conversation with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her dad is at the place, I'll ensure that I speak to him in-person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to tackle the situation and handle it without becoming uncomfortable or avoiding her completely. I don't want to appear condescending or intentionally short spoken, but I also do not want to encourage her to speak with me at length. I'm looking for a way to acknowledge her presence in a normal way without encouraging a conversation, essentially. How can I go about doing that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastEditorUserId="21071" LastEditDate="2019-06-16T02:57:06.420" LastActivityDate="2020-06-16T02:23:30.603" Title="Acknowledge someone's presence without encouraging conversation" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;&lt;abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11611" CreationDate="2018-03-09T14:08:41.833" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Weddings always seem to have a lot of drama associated with them.  People get worried about others causing a scene, uninvited guests showing up, and other things happening.  Most of the time, these scenarios never materialize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend has most likely changed, as have you.  I think you are judging her by what you remember of her and not what she might be now.  There is pain, I can see, and it makes sense that based on your experience you don't want much to do with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't a reunion, it's an event.  I assume you're bringing a date to this.  If so, spend your time with your date.  I'm sure that he/she won't mind.  :)  If this old friend comes over to chat, acknowledge her, give her a chance to say &quot;hi&quot; and chat for a sec.  Then I'd suggest saying, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;This is my date, [x]&quot;.  It's been a pleasure, but [x] and I are going&#xA;  to enjoy this dance together.  Thanks for stopping by!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no harm in being civil here and then you can take some sense of accomplishment in not being too rough on someone at a wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she wants to make this into a reunion, then I'd suggest focusing on your date.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, I'm here with [x] this evening and I'd really like to&#xA;  focus my attention there.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And sincerely wish her a pleasant evening.  Again, be graceful and pleasant but firm that you don't want to spend a lot of time with her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="4263" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T12:45:36.130" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T12:45:36.130" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11613" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11614" CreationDate="2018-03-09T14:39:58.880" Score="49" ViewCount="8992" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 30 year old programmer, and I feel like becoming more and more a &amp;quot;program&amp;quot; myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When talking with friends or families, except for a certain group of friends with whom it's always fun and games, I don't ask much and I don't tell much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when I'm being asked things, I just use short answers and if they want to know more, they have to ask more, like in the example here&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Did you see the soccer game yesterday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Um, nope&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Why? What were you doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Playing games, as usual&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: What games?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Game 1, game 2 and game 3&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Yes, as usual indeed...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the main problem here is, I don't know when I began to act like this, but I just don't tell anything unless being precisely asked to, like an SQL query, and that behavior makes me more and more socially awkward, and annoying for my family as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it is questions about my job, it is like in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3213/how-to-deal-politely-with-people-asking-about-your-job-but-unable-to-understand&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt;, but what is worse, my job is just boring lines of code and I have nothing exciting to tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I revert back to a more social behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt; - I am mostly asked questions by my aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews and nieces as my parents already know how annoying it is to try to start a conversation with me, as our talks lead to absolutely nowhere&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit from comments and answers&lt;/strong&gt; - My bad, my soccer game example is not a very good one as I enjoy soccer (like I would have prefered if they told me their highlights of the game instead of asking me what I was doing instead), but I just have my video games at a higher priority in my hobbies - plus, I didn't switch on my TV for a long time (over 10 years?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit for more clarification&lt;/strong&gt; - No one asked for this (hey, I can do it when I'm writing) but as a context, most of them tend to investigate on my private life as I am now the only single person among my cousins (and still am) - In case you wanna know, my everyday life is waking up, preparing for work, going to work, at work, picking up my mother when she finishes work, going home, having dinner (sometimes asked questions during dinner), spending about ten minutes on social medias to know if my pals are preparing some weekend plans, playing games, and go to sleep... And if my friends have some plans, either my parents don't need me at home and I'm able to attend the plan, or I stay at home, hanging out with my parents and playing games&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Another note&lt;/strong&gt; - I live in a developing country, I am part of an association who wants to promote esports in the country, and I am a leader of a certain community who plays a certain game that I enjoy playing at&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12914" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T18:01:56.503" Title="How to avoid short answers when talking to my family?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="13" ClosedDate="2018-03-12T14:44:45.427" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11613" CreationDate="2018-03-09T15:02:53.250" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I personally like a direct answer and a short explanation why. In business that is definitely preferred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It frustrates my when I get the explanation before the answer.  Or worse yet they try and address why you asked the question and don't even answer.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good answer might have been:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No I did not watch the game.  I was playing some of my usual (computer)&#xA;  games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to engage them: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No I did not watch the game.  I was playing some of my usual (computer)&#xA;  games.  Who won?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are just not a soccer fan:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No I did not watch the game.  I am not much of a soccer fan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a polite explanation and you are telling them soccer would not be a good subject to engage me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T15:40:00.460" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T15:40:00.460" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11615" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11613" CreationDate="2018-03-09T15:15:56.973" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Small talks are some kind of (sometimes) boring but very useful social skills. As you mentioned: &lt;em&gt;when they want to talk about something I don't care at all, I do find these boring - if they're instigating on something I am fond of, I can be unstoppable on the matter tho&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you're willing to share, but can only get involved when you know or like the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who's been like you (and, somehow, still is...) my advice would be to deflect. For instance (&lt;em&gt;you don't like soccer, and someone starts to talk about it...&lt;/em&gt;):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Did you see the soccer game yesterday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: No, I was playing game #1. It was scheduled with my team online. But anyway, I would rather have watched [ you name it ] because I love this [ show / movie / sport ]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, you try to drag them into your &amp;quot;comfort zone&amp;quot;.&#xA;If they don't like what you're talking about, you may discuss it. Tell them why you like it, listen to them if they argue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it looks like a dead-end, both of you will realize it's one. Then, you may want to try and find another field where both of you will find interest. I do that, it works pretty fairly well...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T15:15:56.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11570" CreationDate="2018-03-09T15:36:00.360" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I carefully racked my brain how to acknowledge a woman on &quot;Women's day&quot; and disregard them more the other 354 days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I came to the conclusion that it is not the purpose of this (or other) day(s) to treat people differently on different days, but a simple reminder to make issues public, remember things of the past and think over the own behavior. Nothing more, nothing less.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you know a woman that cares about the day and would be pleased that it is acknowledged, fire away with &quot;Happy Woman's day&quot;. Otherwise don't treat women differently. Don't mention this day if you are unsure that the people are aware/interested in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T15:36:00.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11613" CreationDate="2018-03-09T15:50:19.833" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing missed by other questions: reciprocity. If all your communication is one way (they ask, you answer) that can get pretty annoying and boring quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine that your partner in chat doesn't really care whether you've &quot;seen the game&quot;, or not, but rather cares learn something about you and feel connection. If you start telling them history of your life, that will not establish strong meaningful connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you find yourself in dialogue, try to answer by asking another question, thus throwing ball on the other side of the court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Person&lt;/strong&gt;: Did you see the soccer game yesterday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;: Um, nope. Who was playing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Person&lt;/strong&gt;: Such and such and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Cool. Do you folks go somewhere to watch games, maybe a pub? I only play soccer video games but never was to a stadium or even seen one on TV because :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Person&lt;/strong&gt;: LOL. No we just get here in the living room, got some snack and chips. You should join us next week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another important point: it seems from your description that you feel bored with your regular life or maybe not excited to share it with others in question (aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews and nieces). That might be solved by one of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find new friends who you will like to talk to. Do you have any? Do you have a boy-/girlfriend? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get excited about something. What are you trying to achieve in life? Are you working toward best score in VideoGame1? Are you designing something challenging at work? Remember, that challenge and pursue of a goal is a bit part of being excited&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: Sorry, i missed that: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When talking with friends or families, except for a certain group of&#xA;  friends with whom it's always fun and games, I don't ask much and I&#xA;  don't tell much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, next time you with them, try to notice what makes the conversation flowing. It is definitely not just the particular topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T15:50:19.833" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-09T16:00:18.847" Score="0" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Are you being willfully ignorant?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This problem goes both ways, but the IT problems of the people who don't understand the difference between software and hardware are normally trivial to solve. You could help if you chose to, just by your greater understanding of everything related to computers. It usually something in the user interface that they don't understand but you would just by taking a look. (Though in this situation I usually have to ask how to use an Apple one button mouse).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Are they asking just to have something to talk about with you?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you tried just having a chat about it, showing some sympathy for the problems they're having even if you can't help solve them. It's not always nice to be talking shop in a social situation with someone who doesn't actually understand what you do, but it gives them a subject they can talk to you about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignorance is not enough because it seems from reading your question you don't actually want to help, nor do you wish to talk to these people about the problem. What you're apparently really asking is how to stop these people trying to talk shop with you, how to actually show total disinterest in their difficulties. You say you've tried helping but they're picking up something in your attitude, whether tone of voice or wording that says you really don't want to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;People will always ask you, not because they wrongly think you know everything, but because they rightly think you know a lot more about computers than them.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1669" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T16:00:18.847" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11570" CreationDate="2018-03-09T16:28:04.153" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's not a Hallmark Holiday, so don't treat it as one.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wishing people Happy Valentine's Day is bad enough. Let's leave this one alone too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I spent yesterday on a movie set which, not extraordinarily, had both women &amp;amp; men on it. The Director was a woman, as was the 1st AD.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither of them looked in the slightest  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Amazed by the fact they were in charge  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Apologetic for being in charge  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Triumphant about being in charge&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Phased by the fact they were in charge&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Amongst the other people working that day in that environment were some men.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;They &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Didn't look upset/disappointed/amazed/impressed about it  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Didn't feel the need for hearty congratulations over the fact a woman was in charge  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Really seem to think there was anything special about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Everybody got on &amp;amp; did their job &amp;amp; we got a good day's work done.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;International Women's Day is a mark of respect for past grievances &amp;amp; a reminder that we need to address the balance overall to be more equal - a meritocracy not a glass ceiling.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It is not something to send hallmark cards for, or to play the 'I wish you a happy gender day' game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not the teensy's equivalent of the 1970's &quot;I have some friends who are black/Jewish/gay&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It sounds just as ridiculous to say &quot;I have some friends who are women&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, after some comments, let me add...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't wave it like a flag in front of people. It's not your flag to wave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a male, if it crops up in conversation, acknowledge it, make sure your message is clear that you think it is a 'good thing', but don't volunteer that you in any way 'support it' or 'wish it' to someone. That is patronising &amp;amp; implies you think women 'should feel grateful for being given the privilege'.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's going to be almost impossible to say anything that wouldn't be taken the wrong way; if you tread carefully or stomp through like a bull, you will look a fool, a boor or a misogynist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a day to let someone else speak, not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10788" LastEditorUserId="10788" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T20:21:34.777" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T20:21:34.777" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11622" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-03-09T17:18:38.510" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Variant of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/11345/4366&quot;&gt;answer by @Harper&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mention some public event coming up in the upcoming week that you are planning to attend, such as a concert, puppet show, debate, whatever.  Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you hear, So-and-so is going to be performing at the (venue) on Thursday?  Should be a great (event, e.g. concert).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she perks up and looks interested, you can respond with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, maybe I'll see you there!  I'll be wearing (something noticeable, such as a red hat, which hopefully you are sporting the day you visit the store).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if she's busy on Thursday, or does not share your interest in this type of event... it's a first step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T17:18:38.510" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11611" CreationDate="2018-03-09T17:35:23.993" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;A key part to your potential answer is something you brought up yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am more mature and want to handle the situation appropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No doubt that your friend will most likely be the same - true they could be just as they were before however you shouldn't necessarily be thinking of the worst case scenario. They might not turn up, they might avoid you, they too might have changed themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way - should they decide to strike up a conversation you need to decide if you really don't want to talk to them; they might have changed in such a way that you find that actually you don't mind talking to them again - and that you actually enjoy talking to them now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you're still more than free to wish to not talk to them - so if you do find yourself in a situation where you are talking to them, just keep things brief. Just ask how they are doing generally, and try avoiding going into depth about anything in particular. Depending on how long you want the conversation to last you can ask as much or as little as you like. If she is extremely talkative and you find that the conversation has been going on for &quot;too long&quot; (for your liking) - then you could always find a reason to move on or end it; some ideas are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Well it's been lovely catching up, however I think I should go and do some more mingling/should catch up with some other friends too&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Well it's been lovely talking again, but I think I'm going to grab some food/go home/go to the bathroom&quot; (depending on the time of the wedding)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or any other reason you can think of to leave a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="21071" LastEditDate="2019-06-16T02:56:46.797" LastActivityDate="2019-06-16T02:56:46.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11624" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-03-09T17:38:12.327" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T17:38:12.327" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T17:38:12.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11625" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-03-09T17:38:12.327" Score="0" Body="For questions involving anxiety - weather that be you yourself being anxious or if someone else in the question/situation also has anxiety." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T17:38:12.327" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T17:38:12.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11626" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11611" CreationDate="2018-03-09T18:09:23.277" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a lot of practice with exactly this kind of situation.  I think the answer is really pretty simple.  Treat her and interact with her exactly the same way (I hope) you would an unappealing or boring stranger at a party  -- be polite, make whatever small talk is required, and find the earliest polite opportunity to leave the conversation.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9970" LastEditorUserId="9970" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T10:51:44.280" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T10:51:44.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11627" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11628" CreationDate="2018-03-09T18:27:06.320" Score="21" ViewCount="5655" Body="&lt;p&gt;When growing up my brother and I where taught that, when it's night, you should offer girls/women to ride along when you are on bike or on foot to prevent unsafe situations. This wasn't saying that women aren't able to stand up for themselves but that there are some creeps out there. If you're not alone you are not as an easy target for sexual assualt, robbery etc. My parents told us this because we grew up in a somewhat rural area where a &gt;7km bike ride is normal to get home. My brother and I often got home late from parties because a female friend lived far away and had to cycle there in the dark. We are raised on the idea that if something happens and you didn't offer to ride along you are partially to blame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The example above is from when we were teenagers. Now, somewhat older (25), I have trouble applying the message from my parents that is hardwired into my brain. I recently started a job at a company where most of my colleagues are the same age. The location of the firm is at the outskirts of the city and we sometimes work evening shifts until late in the evening. I notice that some female colleagues have to ride home in the dark alone and I would like to offer to ride along for safety purposes. However, I'm afraid this comes of as either a romantic advance (I'm in a relationship so not my intent) or something condescending (&quot;Do you think I can't take care of myself?&quot;). I don't have to ride to their home since we mostly live in the same city and the populated areas are fine. I'm talking about the dark and desolate area between the company and the centre of the city. So my question comes down to this I think: &lt;strong&gt;&quot;How do I offer to ride along with a women for the sole purpose of everyone being safe without implying alternative motives?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; Workplace relations can be a slippery slope so I don't want to send the wrong message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some extra information:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not to many people my age own a car. In my country we have more bikes than people so it's the preferred method of transportation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most of my co-workers and I started the job in the same training group so we all know each other a bit and are on friendly terms&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm only offering. No is no.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We recently had a national uproar when a woman my age went on a bike ride and never returned. She was later found raped and murdered. This only solidified my beliefs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It should be a disclaimer that I want to offer this for the safety of others but also for my own conscience.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6607" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T22:30:46.307" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T17:24:38.033" Title="Offering to ride along with women when it's dark" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;courtesy&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11627" CreationDate="2018-03-09T18:36:06.363" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no harm in offering at least once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she straight up says no, or is condescending, then you can presume she's not interested and you have no need to ask her any further. If she doesn't give any reason for why she has declined your offer, you can simply inquire as to why - without being too forceful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she informs you that it's because she would feel uncomfortable doing so, then you can simply acknowledge that, and perhaps work on building up a stronger friendship with her (fostering more trust), before asking a second time when she perhaps feels safer or more comfortable around you. In addition, after they say &quot;no&quot; you can simply say &quot;Okay, well have a safe ride home!&quot; or something along those lines that imply that you want them to remain safe after work today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she accepts, then that's awesome, but you need to be careful about what you do either her after she accepts. Try not to be too &quot;friendly&quot; or too suggestive that you may be after a relationship with her. This typically means no trading numbers, or arranging dates (however you can arrange to take her home on a regular basis). In addition, when you drop her off, you can end the conversation by saying &quot;Stay safe&quot;, implying that you were caring more about her safety (rather than just spending time with her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if things do go the way you don't want them to, and she appears to be trying to get romantically involved with you, you can either confront her about the issue directly, or you can simply stop offering her lifts; implying that you don't want a relationship with her without actually saying it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You shouldn't need to worry about tip-toeing about trying to be nice to others, hopefully your colleagues know you well enough to realize that you have no ulterior motives, and that you simply want to help -  and if they still do not want to have a lift with you then you shouldn't feel bad about it. There are plenty of reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T18:36:06.363" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11629" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11627" CreationDate="2018-03-09T19:23:06.003" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make the offer, and make your intention clear. You can say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't mean anything romantic by it, just don't like the idea of you walking/riding home alone this late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't push, but leave the offer open:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you ever do want me to ride with you, I'm here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure even if a woman decides she doesn't need help, she'd be appreciative of the offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, make sure you're not only making the offer to one woman - that would send the wrong message. As long as you're making the same offer to every woman in the office, I think it's quite clear that you're just being nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also talk to the other men about doing the same thing. No reason why all the responsibility should fall on you. When I was at school, we also walked home from parties, and returned home quite late. We'd leave in groups walking in the same general direction, and just walk everyone home. The last one in a group would be a guy, but two girls could peel off into their neighbourhood - since there's two of them, they're not alone. Because it was a group of friends, there was nothing romantic about the situation, just friendly, and it made us all a more tightly knit class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T19:23:06.003" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11630" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-09T19:29:15.387" Score="4" ViewCount="783" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've seen these kinds of things happen in work environments, where there's a little more of a process rather than everyone being able to instantly jump in on a narrative and isolate others and I've handled those fine as well as mitigated.  I have also seen similar happen in social life so I imagine others may want to be prepared.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, what is the best way to go about handle communicating with mutual friends, and if ever possible, my SO, to disprove the false rumors being repeated about me while no one asks me directly what the truth is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My SO (Significant Other) ghosted on me while upset and avoiding uncomfortable conversations, due to a former friend spreading lies about me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any real way to overcome this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The shortest way to explain would be the simple timeline of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mutual friend of SO leans on me (as many of my friends) for emotional support every few months for over a year&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I notice that this person never respects me or my time and finally cut them off (a bit harshly) and ignored their phone calls&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A few days later they called my SO while I was away on a trip and lied to them (I still don't know what exactly was said)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't see my SO for a week after that call (this was after they'd started working as an EMT in addition to a second part time job so we barely saw each other for a few months)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When I finally saw my SO they were acting very stressed out and upset, kept saying they were tired when I kept asking for hours what was wrong and if I could help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just past midnight my SO confronted me with accusatory and confusing questions (confusing because I didn't understand what they were trying to find out), it became clear they had been lied to and who had lied to them when my SO finally asked what's going on with this other friend.  I clarified as much as a I could, though after hours of tension and it being late at night it wasn't really a conversation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I saw my SO a once a week for a few weeks after, though what little time we had together they were still acting upset and resentful, I waited for them to be calm and ready for a conversation (each meeting was less than an hour between work shifts)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After four weeks, MY SO said I should say hi when I'm in town, and this won't be the last we see each other, and then has not responded to any communication over facebook (it shows read) and I believe has blocked me on their phone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was told through the grapevine that they may have moved in with someone, and that the friend who was lying was at the housewarming party.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Given some other formerly mutual friends behavior it's clear that the truth wasn't cleared up and that this friend I cut off is still in our &quot;group&quot; and likely telling their version of events so they don't get ousted from our friend group while everyone is distancing themselves from me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For more context, my SO has a history of previous partners cheating on them.  I'm not focused on &quot;winning&quot; them back as not allowing them to just run away angry and believing I was unfaithful, which would require sitting down and having a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize there may be no hope as the silence has gone on for 6 months now (they ghosted a week before our four year anniversary).  I was being patient since I knew they were still working EMT full time and another job, essentially 80 stressful hours a week.  I contacted them about every 6-8 weeks and have heard nothing back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has been suggested I show up where they work, but I would say this is a major violation of boundaries, even if much of our relationship used to be based on surprise gifts and appearances (this was long distance).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if there's some specific way I should reach out to them, or a way I should communicate with our mutual friends first and hope that they will encourage my now ex to talk to me again to clear things up (as to what actually happened, not to get back together).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5828" LastEditorUserId="5828" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T21:59:10.557" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T15:42:23.327" Title="How to handle malicious false statements by someone in your peer group" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11631" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-09T19:42:48.867" Score="5" ViewCount="25326" Body="&lt;p&gt;We've all been there, whether it's because they have a similar name, you've had someone else on your mind, or you just are tired and slipped up. It's always horrible calling a friend the wrong name (even worse when it's the same of someone you both know).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I respond or deal with calling someone the wrong name? Should I own up, or should I try and pass it off as something else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, for more detail, please assume this question applies to the following - if this makes the question too narrow for the site, please let me know so I can widen it;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is referring to an online messaging system in such a way that the messages cannot be deleted before the recipient has the possibility to see them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am calling them the name of someone whom they do not know&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can also assume (however if it's easier to answer ignoring this you can) that I am able to say/do whatever I need to say/do before they read and reply to the message.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is an example of a possible way this can occur:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Well, I think it's time I head of to sleep&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend (Clara): Well goodnight!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Goodnight Alice!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T05:33:37.087" LastActivityDate="2020-01-29T09:49:58.700" Title="How to react to accidentally calling someone the wrong name" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;instant-messaging&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11631" CreationDate="2018-03-09T19:48:28.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oops wrong person&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say this if it is a chat system where you can easily switch between people talking. It is not uncommon to select the wrong person and send the message to another person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T19:48:28.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11631" CreationDate="2018-03-09T20:21:43.970" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A quick and honest apology has worked best in my experience&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Amount of apology is case-by-case, person and context dependent&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some self deprecating humor goes a long way towards dispelling awkwardness&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Generally this mistake is not a big deal, so continuing the conversation after the apology/recovery is a good way to smooth things out and make the slight quickly forgotten&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As somebody who makes this slip up a lot in face to face conversations with people, my go-to strategy is immediately apologizing and trying to convey my embarrassment, probably with a laugh and some comment/excuse along the lines of &quot;This happens to me with everybody, I'm terrible with names&quot;. After that I let it drop, and usually a quick laugh at my expense has patched any momentary offense the mistake may have caused. I feel that apologizing more than necessary can end up implying that a person should be more offended than they are, which doesn't lead anywhere good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of this approach is directly transferrable to text communication, the caveat being you won't be able to gauge body language/facial expression right after the slip up to figure out the necessary level/intensity of the recovery. You'll have to make a judgement based on context and the potentially offended party, and their initial response to your mistake. If you and this person have a deep relationship and have been talking intimately about heavy/important things when you mess their name up, slightly more groveling and patching up may be needed than during smalltalk with an acquaintance. Acknowledging your mistake before they do can also go a long way towards minimizing offense caused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Well, I think it's time I head of to sleep&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend (Clara): Well goodnight!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Goodnight Alice!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Whoops Dx, my bad Clara, maybe I should head to bed as well&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most cases a quick apology and a lighthearted conveyance of embarrassment will smooth things out best. Keeping the conversation moving past the mistake will also combat the potential awkwardness of dwelling on the mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Got a big day tomorrow?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, this is an extremely common mistake among people, so it rarely causes a lot of offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, I tend to avoid using peoples names in communication to avoid this exact issue, if you find this being a mistake you make often, changing your communication style to reduce the use of people's names is one way to just sidestep the problem entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-03-09T21:42:03.963" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T21:42:03.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11627" CreationDate="2018-03-09T21:55:33.473" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Write up a poster talking about how many places have programs where people who don't want to go home alone can arrange to have someone go with them, and you'd be willing to coordinate such a program at your workplace, and that anyone who is interested can contact you. Put it up someplace you think everyone will see it. If you're there's no place that everyone will see, you can put it up in the most visible place, then ask people whether they've seen it. This will then not be directed at any specific person, and no one will have to directly reject the offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T21:55:33.473" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11613" CreationDate="2018-03-09T22:30:02.813" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your description of your time usage in your day-to-day life sounds like my daily life a few years ago. Get up, go to work, coding on a computer, go home, eat supper, play games, go to bed, repeat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This pattern is not healthy. When the majority of your life is spent on the computer, and even your social interaction is limited to playing games with friends, it becomes difficult to engage in conversation with anyone who is not part of that lifestyle. I still struggle to describe what I do at work to others aside from the same general description I always use, but I have since given up playing so many hours of games so that I can spend more time on other hobbies, or in-person with friends and not on a computer or gaming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to be/become an effective communicator, you ought to be doing activities on a regular basis that help improve those skills by requiring you to interact with others physically, emotionally, and verbally. Find some activities and hobbies you might be interested in doing that don't involve a computer, such as playing a sport (one that is not an e-sport), going to a comedy class, or joining a book study. When it comes to having conversations with people who don't spend their time programming or gaming, having things to talk about that they can relate to is important. A comedy class gives you skill at making others laugh and gives you opportunities to invite friends and family to the events. A book club has plenty of discussion time, and you can talk with others about the books. Find a hobby that you might enjoy and take it up!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10004" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T22:30:02.813" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11627" CreationDate="2018-03-09T23:04:47.437" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not a 100% interpersonal answer, but this is an easy way to bring the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, if you ride your bicycle at night, you should really install a good headlight like a Philips saferide, either the dynamo or battery powered version. Add a red blinkie at the rear. You can buy other brands of course. I use a Philips that I modified for extra lumens. It's about as bright as a car headlight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have a proper light, you will notice that other cyclists who ride at night and are too cheap to buy proper lights will tend to either follow you or ride by your side, because they actually like being able to see in front of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, after your colleagues notice... well, having a proper light gives you a non-patronizing and non-creepy reason to suggest riding together. If you're lucky, they will request it, and you won't have to actually say anything. The idea is that you provide value to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, if you colleagues ride a bicycle at night without lights, they're at a much higher risk of a collision with a car, or sticking the front wheel into a pothole and flying over the bars, than meeting a thief or a rapist. If you're concerned about their safety, think about buying enough of these $2 red blinkies for everyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-09T23:04:47.437" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11627" CreationDate="2018-03-10T00:49:38.357" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd make it about myself. You could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wait up! May I ride along? I feel safer when I don't have to ride alone in these creepy outskirts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you use this method you cannot discriminate between genders, because your stated intent is to create a safer commute for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is allowed to ride side by side I don't think it will be awkward. It could awkward if you'd ride behind her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T00:49:38.357" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11638" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11613" CreationDate="2018-03-10T02:58:12.637" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't offer too much to you in this because I am a computer science student and I also struggle to have good conversations. The one main advice that I get from people is to use something I know really well, like computers, and essentially practice talking about it with people who know less about the subject. For example, my computer science teacher recommended that I take a tech support class tasked with fixing others' devices to better develop these communication skills. If you use opportunities to talk to people less knowledgeable in something you know, it forces you to consider how to help them understand and thus breaks you out of purely logical conversational thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13975" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T02:58:12.637" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11627" CreationDate="2018-03-10T03:30:04.467" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say something like &quot;Hey, it's dark, I'm not very sure if the roads are safe, do you want me to ride along ? I wouldn't mind&quot;. She would either say yes or no. If she says no, you can just say &quot;Ok, stay safe, let me know if you ever need help&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says yes, you can ride along. But as soon as she reaches her house, say &quot;Bye, good night&quot; and go back on your way. No lingering looks, no small talk, nothing that suggests that you have anything but her safety on your mind. Once you know her better, you can even let her know that this is what you were used to since childhood so you wouldn't mind helping her out in future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T03:30:04.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11640" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11648" CreationDate="2018-03-10T04:59:45.283" Score="0" ViewCount="5540" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been dating this girl for about one month now, and for the sake of discussion we'll call her Sally. Sally ended a relationship with her former boyfriend, we'll call him Billy, a couple months ago. Sally and Billy dated for a few months and briefly broke up, then got back together for a few weeks only to break up again after Billy threatened to release some &quot;sensitive data&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For background, we're still in school, and Billy and Sally have classes together, (I have none with either of them). When I asked why she broke up with him, Sally said that it was because she couldn't hang out with him anymore, due to the conditions on which their relationship ended the first time (parents were involved).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to now, Sally and Billy regularly talk and Billy often does favors for Sally. Billy still has feelings for Sally, and makes them known. Sally maintains she only has feelings for me, and I trust her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be noted that I also regularly talk to a former girlfriend, but the difference is that after we broke up - we've both moved on to other people and have just become good friends, as the relationship ended on good terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel uncomfortable whenever Billy talks to Sally, and even more so when he does things for her. I'd like to believe this is purely because he still has feelings for her, and maybe I'm just being jealous and quite frankly, pathetic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For relevance, the other day Billy hugged Sally and apologized for what happened, which I'm not even sure how I feel about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have mentioned to Sally on two seperate occasions that I don't feel comfortable with her talking to Billy, at least in the volume that they talk which is almost as much, or maybe even more than we talk. Of the two times I told her, she said that she was sorry and that she won't let Billy become that personal with her again, and I'm not sure what exactly that details as nothing (seemingly) changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I guess what I'm asking is, am I just being clingy/jealous? And furthermore, is my relationship with my former girlfriend a reason to not complain?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14097" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T14:36:35.867" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T14:36:35.867" Title="Is it unreasonable to feel uncomfortable when my Girlfriend frequently talks to her ex?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-03-10T13:44:15.660" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11641" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11631" CreationDate="2018-03-10T05:56:33.810" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;We've all been there, aren't we? Well, it happens sometimes when you know a person with the similar name or similar personality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I called once my colleague by the name of her sister who I have worked with in previous company. Soon I realized my mistake and just apologized for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, whether it happens while chatting online or talking face-to-face, a simple apology will work. Since you can't see expressions of person in-front, a message with simple apology should work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oops! Sorry! Just a silly mistake. Good Night Clara!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should try to send this message sooner you realize the mistake or possibly before person in-front corrects you. If they corrects you before you could apologize, say like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry! My bad. I might not be thinking straight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you say apology by calling someone by a wrong name, try to include their correct name, so they assume that you didn't forget their name and it was just a slip of tongue or a small mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T05:56:33.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11642" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11630" CreationDate="2018-03-10T06:48:12.050" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're looking for a kind of closure that isn't likely to come. If it's been 6 months and you've reached out to your ex several times already, there's not much more that you can do. Your best bet is to let it go and move on with your life. I know that it's not right, or fair, or what you want to hear, but... Well... Life isn't always right or fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only scenario that I can imagine, and it's a huge stretch, and I doubt it'll work, so don't say you weren't warned, is confronting your accuser directly. It's incredibly unlikely that  confronting the person who spread the lies about you will lead them to tell the truth, but it may give you a little closure and help you get on with your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't confront them if you can't keep your cool. Don't be surprised if they double down, it's fashionable these days. It would probably be better to do it over the phone, so you're unable to strike them if/when the urge strikes you. The point of the thing is to tell them the truth, your truth, about what they did and how it affected your life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember the point of the confrontation isn't to shout or vent, but to let them know that you know what they did. It can be amazingly cathartic to talk to the one other person who absolutely knows the truth, and knows that they made the whole thing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another word of caution. Do not confront anyone unless you are absolutely sure that you're correct in your belief that they're the one responsible. If no one will even tell you what you're being accused of, be very careful that you're really confronting the right person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T06:48:12.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11643" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11646" CreationDate="2018-03-10T07:32:53.840" Score="23" ViewCount="4078" Body="&lt;p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's worth explaining that I fall on the autism spectrum, so certain answers that may seem extremely obvious to others are not at all obvious to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I was on a flight recently (let's say, leaving from Los Angeles). I fly this route quite frequently, and I also happen to be an aviation enthusiast who collects logs of flights from pilots, and every time I board a flight, I hand the flight attendants a book, asking them to hand it over to the flight deck. That book clearly states on the cover, &quot;I am an aviation enthusiast&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day, I was flying this route again. I boarded the plane, handed my book to a cabin crew, and took my seat. A few minutes after taking off, the semi-secret signal that airlines use to indicate an emergency sounded, and all of the cabin crew quickly walked up to the front. I also noticed we were going off course. I got very tensed, and quickly opened up an online flight tracker using the plane's Wi-Fi service, and it said we were being diverted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, the cabin crew just acted normal, and told other curious passengers who noticed the course change that &quot;nothing&quot; was happening. The seat belt sign was off, and no announcement from the flight deck that we're returning to LAX had been made. I quickly walked up to the flight attendant, and asked why our flight was being diverted, showing them the flight tracker page saying that this flight was being diverted on my phone. They told me to return to my seat, which I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trouble is, I feel very tensed &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; knowing what's going on if something goes wrong, which happens to be the exact opposite of other passengers' attitudes. In particular, I prefer to hear &quot;we're diverting because engine 1 failed&quot; than &quot;nothing's happening&quot;. The flight deck announcement about this and the fact we were returning to LAX were made very late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, on a future flight, &lt;strong&gt;how (and when) do I tactfully ask the flight attendant what's going on&lt;/strong&gt; and make myself less tensed, without triggering panic across the plane (assuming it's safe to ask them, and they're not doing any emergency preparations)? The method in which I asked on that earlier flight was likely the wrong way, because it was in the middle of the passenger cabin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Please note&lt;/strong&gt;: This is a &lt;strong&gt;strictly IPS question&lt;/strong&gt;, and not an aviation question. In this case, the cabin crew wasn't doing anything, and (as I said in the original post) the seat belt sign was &lt;em&gt;off&lt;/em&gt; when I got up to ask. &lt;strong&gt;I did not in any way interfere with the crew's duties.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm asking in the context of this &lt;em&gt;very same&lt;/em&gt; situation (safe to get up and will not disturb duties by asking).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, here's the &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/rooms/61165/conversation/flight-incident&quot;&gt;chat conversation&lt;/a&gt; that resulted in this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11936" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T20:29:07.143" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T05:45:46.063" Title="How do I tactfully ask a flight attendant what's going on if I know my plane has a problem?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11643" CreationDate="2018-03-10T08:15:05.810" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a good time to be quiet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is one of those. More or less, panicking people is a &lt;em&gt;terrible&lt;/em&gt; idea. You're in a tin can hurtling through the sky on jet fuel and engineering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your pilot is a &lt;em&gt;trained&lt;/em&gt; professional, as is your air crew. You got home safe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need to know, they will probably tell you. Don't be &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://diehard.wikia.com/wiki/Richard_Thornburg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this guy&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;. Actually oddly enough, that Die Hard 2's plot is a textbook case of why they didn't announce it. If there's a minor issue with no immediate danger there's no point in announcing they are diverting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a large number of people in a confined space. You have maybe a half dozen folk to ensure they're happy and safe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;we're diverting because engine 1 failed&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is &lt;em&gt;about&lt;/em&gt; the worst thing a normal person wants to hear. Well other than &quot;where's the wings?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, they're trained professionals. You aren't, and if they're not telling you things, its following a fairly carefully planned out playbook. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2745" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T18:39:02.150" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T18:39:02.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11645" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11640" CreationDate="2018-03-10T09:01:30.347" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I guess its best if you accept the situation like it is.&lt;/strong&gt; If Sally still has feelings for Billy then these feelings won’t just go away if you insist she should not talk to him (so much) anymore. In fact if you do this she will probably not like your behavior of telling her what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I see two possible scenarios for the future:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a)  She will stay with you because she wants you and probably after a while Billy will give up and probably she won’t talk to him so much anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b)  She will break up with you and go back to Billy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But independent of a) or b) there is little you can do about it. Obviously &lt;strong&gt;try to have a good time with her so that you and she feel comfortable together. Just ignore Billy.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The alternative would be that you bring this up, maybe several times, and she will get annoyed with you talking “bad” about Billy. Then you won’t have a good time together and maybe this talking could become a reason that she does not want to spend time with you anymore but that she prefers time with someone who does not give her headache with talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can’t win with telling her not to talk to him. I think best forget about it and ignore it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T09:01:30.347" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11643" CreationDate="2018-03-10T09:14:28.530" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just because you are someone who will take that information calmly doesn't mean everyone is. To the flight attendants, you could well freak out about the possibility of something terribly wrong on the plane, they may not know you. In addition, if someone else overheard what was said, &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; could freak out instead. Sure, you may be curious as to what has happened, but while in the air, while whatever is happening may still be happening, is not a very good time to be asking &quot;how doomed are we all&quot; (which is essentially what we are asking).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only that, but odds are the flight crew are also extremely nervous about what could go wrong, and the last thing they want is to have to add onto the worry by having multiple passengers freaking out about what could possibly be happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, as an aviation enthusiast, you should know that the odds are that everything will eventually be fine (and if it's not - you'll know). Even if it was a minor issue, they still couldn't tell you as then in the future you could start deducing &quot;oh if they don't tell me it must be something really bad&quot;, which is just as bad as telling you the news itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the time you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be asking what happened is when you're safely on the ground (and preferably without anyone else around), when there's no reason for other people to freak out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-03-11T01:47:18.590" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T01:47:18.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11597" CreationDate="2018-03-10T10:15:29.367" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;After putting up this personally important question, I was motivated by the answers to think a bit about &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;what strategies Indian women actually use&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; in these situations, and recollected something a famous Bollywood heroine said in an interview a few years ago, citing the &quot;best advice her mother gave her when she joined the film industry&quot; about how to greet unknown men she would be working with for an upcoming movie:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mother told me to greet them respectfully and ask for their blessing, saying &quot;you are like my father/ brother&quot; (depending on the age of the person) -- almost all of them were consequently extremely well behaved with me throughout the acquaintance,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a young newbie said this on first meeting a non-Indian High Reputation Member on Stack Exchange the member might well get a terrific shock (as in &lt;em&gt;WTF? She doesn't even know me, how dare she!&lt;/em&gt;) but this approach to an unrelated male is culturally sanctified by history and tradition, especially in North India where the concept of &quot;social family&quot; -- we are all one family, with all the attendant ethical responsibilities -- is well established among all 'god fearing' persons with a sense of community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be devastating for an Indian man to be addressed by a girl or young woman as father/ brother with the implicit expectation of honorable behavior and many an Indian male's libido has crumbled to dust as a consequence, which is exactly why the actress' mother and hundreds of generations of Indian women have used this method to anticipatively pour cold water upon any possible &quot;unwanted attention&quot; from known or unknown men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only reason I hesitate to recommend this approach to my sister is that this is South India not North (where the emotional appeal of a &quot;social family&quot; statement is strongest) and there are &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; persons in our home state who are heartless, godless and perverse enough to privately disregard or openly ridicule even this pure and pristine sentiment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T12:34:55.553" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T12:34:55.553" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11640" CreationDate="2018-03-10T10:59:18.617" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Jealousy can be a terrible poison for any relationship, and controlling those feelings is part of gaining dating (and life) experience. I have experienced jealousy in the past, but managed to overcome it to the point where I rarely, if ever feel jealous, whether about a relationship or just life in general. Here are some things you may want to think about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can only control your own behaviour&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other people will always behave how they want to, and acting on jealous feelings by trying to control the behaviour of others rarely works out well. It usually causes resentment from them, and ultimately can destroy relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be positive&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jealousy is a negative feeling, and even if you manage to not act on it, if you let it affect your mood too much, others will notice and it may push them away. If you learn to be positive and happy, it draws people to you like a magnet. In other words your girlfriend is more likely to stay with you if she sees how happy and carefree you are - it will make her ex seem dull and uninteresting by comparison.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Trust is precious&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always begin a relationship with total, 100% trust in that person. Otherwise what's the point? From that position I don't mind who or how they spend their time - it's their life after all. I just focus on enriching their life when I'm around. If you have doubts already then it's a warning flag that the relationship might not be the right one for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once trust is broken (and you know it, not just hearsay) then for me it's game over, no second chances. Which leads me to...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;People treat you how you let them&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to be messed around, then don't accept that kind of behaviour. Following on from the trust point above, once someone betrays your trust then you have a choice to let them off (and they may do it again) or tell them it's over and move on. It sounds harsh but in my experience people only learn to change their ways when there is a negative outcome from bad behaviour. Forgiving them allows the behaviour to seem acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T10:59:18.617" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11627" CreationDate="2018-03-10T11:07:25.973" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you find yourself in the situation, ask &quot;Would you prefer not to  alone?&quot;, or &quot;Want to ride together?&quot;.  If they answer no, tell them &quot;Ok, if you ever feel uncomfortable riding home alone, I'm happy to ride together&quot;.  It sounds like you're sensitive enough that it's unlikely anyone will take this wrong way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're worried about it, you can explain your motivations, but I don't think it's necessary.  It's entirely possible for someone to misinterpret your intent, but that's always possible.  If you just say &quot;ok&quot; and don't make a big deal out of a negative answer, the misinterpretation will likely self-correct very quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9970" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T11:07:25.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11643" CreationDate="2018-03-10T12:29:37.247" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a potential fellow passenger, my answer is that you should handle this by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sitting down and shutting up&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The crew's priority in that situation is &lt;em&gt;handling the situation&lt;/em&gt;. I, and most likely every other passenger on the plane, want them doing exactly that.  Not dealing with a back-seat pilot. Your hobby gives you &quot;secret&quot; information on what's going on? Great.  It doesn't give you special rights and privileges.  Quit distracting the crew in an emergency situation. If you want to feel less tense, there are things you can do like take a sedative or Buddhist meditation that don't interfere with the flight crew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1685" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T16:04:05.640" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T16:04:05.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11643" CreationDate="2018-03-10T13:32:00.307" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;Use your knowledge of airline operations to everyone's advantage - please sit in your seat quietly and wait for instructions, being a good role model to those around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will actually help the crew tremendously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Airlines divert for any number of reasons that aren't huge-mechanical-failure-we-all-might-die emergencies, so just because you are diverting, there's not always a need to worry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case though, once the decision to divert is made, the captain and first officer are going to be extremely busy.  They have at least 10 to 15 minutes of work to do.  Typically, alerting the flight attendants is fairly high on this list of tasks, because they are fellow workers and have a job to prepare the cabin for landing, or ditching, or bracing, or whatever.  The flight crew doesn't have time to explain to the cabin crew in great technical detail what the issue is.  Typically they'll say something like &quot;Hello. Hi, this is your notice, we are diverting, there is x issue, plan a normal landing, you have 10 minutes, any questions? No. Ok, see you on the ground.&quot;  This where you might first notice something odd happening if you are in the cabin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next priority is determined by the captain.  They may decide to immediately make a cabin announcement, or delay it for a long time. It's literally their job and training to prioritize things in a situation-dependant way; there isn't a hard and binding script.  Perhaps assisting the first officer is more important, or planning an approach in bad weather unexpectedly, or calculating fuel reserves and range, notifying the company to have ground or maintenance crews available to meet the flight, etc.  In fact, the flight crew may be so busy dealing with a true emergency they might in some very rare cases might not have time to announce to the cabin at all. In these cases they rely on the flight attendants to prepare and later evacuate the cabin, and this is actually the flight attendants' primary function — not to sell drinks and credit cards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why you saw a change of course, the cabin get a message, ATC get a message (via flight tracker), and then you waited a long time (how long, 10 minutes? 15?) before an announcement was made.  Not to be blunt about it, but even though you were curious, your actual need to know was a somewhat low priority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you do have some aviation knowledge and interest, the crew would really prefer to count on you to appreciate that they are all extremely busy during such times and help them by being a calm example to the passengers around you and having some patience with the process; not walking around while the seatbelt sign is on and you know there's an unusual situation, pestering them in the galley with questions they probably don't know the answer to, and interrupting their job tasks during that time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some other answers talk about the need to delay the cabin announcement in order to keep calm in the cabin. This is partly true, but also the specific wording is a lot more critical than the timing.  Saying &quot;hello from the flight deck, one of the engines is losing oil and overheating and might seize up please hang on while we complete the emergency landing checklists&quot; Is different than &quot;ladies and gentlemen this is the captain, we have an indication of a possible mechanical problem, the situation is under control, but in the interest of safety we will be diverting to x airport, we'll be there in 10-12 minutes, please listen to your flight attendants' instructions&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The flight crew is busy in any diversion situation whether or not it's an emergency, and performing an announcement in the cabin is often simply a lower priority task than nearly everything else.  Flight attendants often don't know the whole story and can't explain to you in technical terms what the issue is, nor do they want to get into a debate with you about whether or not you agree with the decisions being made.  The flight deck crew will of course get to it in all but the most unusual circumstances, but unless you can actually help control the aircraft or plan it's course from the back, they will make sure those tasks are properly accomplished first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8825" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T09:42:35.947" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T09:42:35.947" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11654" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-10T15:10:03.973" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the widespread consensus.  Don't tell her.  I have a couple of reasons that may differ a bit from other answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll give you my two reasons first, and then elaborate on both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;#1: A lot of other people (and including my former self) have ideas/beliefs about dreams and what their role is, and may be prone to judge dreams as having more weight than what I currently believe they should.  Therefore, don't unnecessarily open yourself up for judgment for something that you have no control over, especially when you don't know what the other person's attitudes are about dreams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;#2: You say, Alice &quot;has said on a few occasions how she's scared I'll leave her.&quot;  Your relationship is not on solid ground.  There is a shaky aspect to this.  I think some relationships could weather such news just fine.  Your relationship isn't there yet.  Maybe tell Alice another day.  Not now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There.  Those are my two reasons in a nutshell.  First, I will briefly elaborate on my second point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've sometimes blabbed, only to find out soon after that such sharing resulted in causing unnecessary trouble and no significant benefit.  Sometimes I've managed to just keep my mouth shut on some things, expecting that to be just temporary, only to soon find out that if I hadn't kept my mouth shut, the conversation would have turned out quite a bit worse.  Do not conclude that you are lacking honesty just because you don't share information.  Sometimes there may be some truth to the idea that you aren't being fully honest if you aren't being fully revealing, but that isn't always true.  To quote &lt;A HREF=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/11522/1768&quot;&gt;Tom's answer&lt;/A&gt;, a &quot;desire to be transparent is laudable, but in this case you want to unburden yourself, at her cost.&quot;  Sometimes sharing information is more harmful than helpful.  I'm thinking that would be the case if you tried sharing this detail now.  Just learn to &quot;bite your tongue&quot; on this, at least until timing is more right (possibly years later).  In a few weeks, you may look back and be glad you didn't blab.  Or, if you blab, in a few minutes or semi-seconds you may find yourself quickly regretting such an irreversible action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;H1&gt;Are Dreams Legit?&lt;/H1&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now, my lengthy justification to my first point... I will explain why I believe that dreams shouldn't have as much weight as what I once thought, and as many people currently think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people don't understand dreams.  But over my years, I've learned some things that I didn't know after my first couple of decades dreaming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember being about 16 and having a dream that I remembered extremely vividly.  I wrote it down, multiple pages.  This dream had an erotically tantalizing element to it, involving a person that I never knew existed.  Well, I must have subconsciously been exposed to this person's name somehow, otherwise how did I manage to have this person's name in my dream?  When I got to school I checked and found out this person did exist.  However, I obviously had no conscious feelings about this person whom I didn't recognize at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was nine or ten years of age, I committed suicide.  Knife to the heart.  Literally.  All this, in a dream, of course.  Once I was dead on the kitchen floor, I was surprised that I still felt pain from being stabbed by a knife.  (I previously didn't think I would feel anything when dead.)  Unfortunately, since I was dead, I couldn't pull the knife out of my heart to stop the pain.  Since I was dead, I couldn't yell for help to my parents who were watching TV one room over, still completely unaware of what I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any feelings of curiosity that my childhood self had about what it was like to die were put into check by that particular incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember for a few weeks I had dreams which were so realistic that, in the middle of my daytime hours, I recalled memories of recent events and only after thinking hard about them did I realize they were dreams.  It started to concern me if my memory was unreliable, but fortunately that phase passed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other dreams had content notably different in life.  I've done other things, and had other experiences, causing extreme pleasure (flying through the air) and notable turmoil.  More than one dream has involved death... I remember when my dad died in a dream once, I cried myself to awakeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dream-making component of my brain doesn't seem to like me analyzing things.  Often when I've wanted to analyze some specific topic mid-dream, the dream conjures up some sort of compelling other topic for me to focus on instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, more recently in my life, there's been several times now when the logic part of my brain won this war over attention, as I would refuse to be distracted at all or for more than a couple of seconds before I insist on focusing on one topic of interest that I really want to get figured out.  What's happened is that whatever part of my brain was creating the dream responded by trying several times to introduce some new distraction, but eventually gave up, and my dream terminated.  The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and checked my clock as usual, and then realized that my scenery had just drastically changed as I just awoke from a dream.  (I could often remember some of the recent details well enough for me to try completing my analysis of the recent situation without newly invented distractions trying to deter me.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My current beliefs are that dreams are part of a sleep cycle that performs maintenance/repair of the brain.  Sometimes my brain has come up with ludicrous scenarios of things that I would never do in real life.  I think the brain is trying to stir up some specific emotion.  As for why my brain does this, I don't know, because I don't fully understand dreaming or the biology of the human brain.  Just as I don't understand why the brain is rather prone to forgetting dream content in a matter of minutes (or sometimes hours).  But if the sleep process, including the dream process, is helpful for my health, and specifically some crucial life abilities like memory of things experienced while awake, then I am all in favor of these positive processes (despite not fully understanding them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being able to just &quot;logic&quot; myself to awakeness is something that only happened after probably 30+ years of never succeeding at focusing on a task that my dream-maker wanted to distract me from.  I figure that I was probably just lightly sleeping at the time.  During deeper sleep, the dream component of my brain probably has more free reign to succeed in creating all sorts of tremendous fantasies, both pleasant and terrible, without succumbing to interference by the annoying logic or moral decision-making components of my brain that would affect my decisions during my waking hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this analysis has been somewhat long and a bit off-topic from the questin's specifics, but I share this because I never logic'ed myself awake until later in life (30+ years), and never heard of this from anyone else before.  When I was 20, I often believed that dreams may reflect unconscious desires.  However, I now believe my dream making brain chemistry is just inventing whatever craziness it can in order to manipulate my emotions.  Since this is all a part of natural sleep, I figure that somehow this ability of my dreams is probably somehow good for my health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In dreams, I've dwelled on immoral lines of thinking, made immoral decisions, and performed immoral actions that I know I would never allow myself to accept in an awakened state.  I've determined that I should not feel one bit guilty over dreams' content because such content can be entirely outside of any decision-making control that I have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's why my current beliefs indicate that dream's contents shouldn't be judged.  (But, to recap, since other people have other beliefs, don't go around sharing questionable content to people you closely know until you know what their beliefs are, and how they are likely to respond.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2018-03-10T15:10:03.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11656" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-10T22:47:27.243" Score="9" ViewCount="2188" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm currently renting a house and am subleasing rooms to three other people.  I had signed a lease with the property owner, while the other tenants signed individual leases with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the roommates is unpleasant for a number of reasons, and while he doesn't have a bad attitude, he doesn't correct his behavior if anyone talks to him about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm only here for a couple of years for school and I had thought that I'll just deal with it, but one of my other, easier to live with roommates has told me that he's leaving if the first one stays, the main reason being safety. We've had attempted burglars, and the first one isn't careful about locking doors or closing windows when he leaves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that he wants to stay, and I feel like I should have discussed the possibility of him leaving sooner, but I'm here now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a way I can gently tell him to search for another place to live, and still be able to live with him until the lease expires in August?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should clarify that the roommate isn't a bad guy per se, but he has some habits that are at odds with the rest of us. He doesn't keep common spaces clean, and he will have people over without telling us or engaging us with his friends. It's stressful to have him around for reasons like these, so if someone is to leave, I would prefer that it's him. I'm not concerned for my safety of that of the property because of him, although it is concerning when he leaves a door unlocked and there are burglars around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14119" LastEditorUserId="14119" LastEditDate="2018-03-10T23:18:35.330" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T21:46:38.940" Title="How do I tell a roommate I'm not renewing his lease?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11656" CreationDate="2018-03-11T01:13:14.223" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;No matter how you say it, he will be upset. This is like firing someone or dumping a girlfriend. All you can do is try to minimize the damage and try to act decent, which may conflict with your first priority which is to get rid of him. If you are too decent and friendly, he might not get the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, the proper course of action depends on how comfortable you are at delivering bad news to people and generally keeping your cool while being disagreeable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're very uncomfortable with this, you can lie. For example you can say that you won't renew his lease because your childhood friend (or whatever) wants the room. I don't recommend doing that unless you have no other choice, because when he eventually finds out, he might be a whole lot more pissed than if you had simply told him the truth. The problem with this sort of lies is that they come attached to a very long rubberband which tends to snap everything back right into your face eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you say you're at the point when your roommates tell you &quot;it's me or him&quot; which is pretty bad. I guess things have been festering for quite a while, everyone tried to Be Nice for too long, hoping it would work, until you realized it didn't. Now everyone is ready to snap. It would have been better to solve the problem before it got to that point. It is always easier to negotiate before people get to hate each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you are doing a rent &amp;amp; sublease you are the manager, therefore you have to put your manager hat and make a choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When to tell him:&lt;/strong&gt; if you tell him early, he will have more time to find another place. But you will have to live with him until he leaves, which may be awkward. I'd rather tell him early, as that's the decent thing to do, plus if he finds a new place next month he will be gone long before August, which is what you want. Your other roommate (the &quot;me or him&quot; one) might also decide to leave if you wait too long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to tell him:&lt;/strong&gt; if you're conflict averse, you can hide behind the collective and say something like &quot;we were stressed out when you left without locking the door...&quot; and other sentences starting with &quot;we...&quot; like &quot;we're fed up with cleaning your dishes...&quot; and &quot;to be honest, we've had enough.&quot; If you are not conflict averse, you can simply say &quot;Everyone here has been complaining about you, I've had enough of this, so your lease ends on ... date ...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who knows, maybe he'll decide to make amends, clean his dishes, lock the door, and behave... If he does that, remember it will stop the day his lease is renewed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T01:13:14.223" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11467" CreationDate="2018-03-11T01:25:26.033" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're gravely underestimating the risk this friendship poses to your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may have the noblest of intentions now, but you &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; face temptation to let this relationship cross boundaries it shouldn't. Maybe it will start small: one day, everyone but you two in the group is busy and you decide to meet alone. Maybe you confide in her about a problem you're having with your current girlfriend, because she's your friend and you think maybe she can help. Then this becomes a habit, and suddenly you find yourself complaining about everything your girlfriend does that bothers you. And then you find yourself spending more time alone with her. There's no way of knowing exactly what will happen going forward, but as long as there's another woman in your life that you're close to, there is always a significant risk that the relationship will slowly, steadily become more than it should and threaten your current relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forget telling anyone about the dream. It's nothing but a warning sign: you've entered dangerous territory. For the sake of your current relationship, I suggest nothing but leaving the danger zone. This might mean leaving the D&amp;amp;D group; I can't say exactly what the best way of eliminating the risk is. But you shouldn't underplay the risk here. This is exactly how people start cheating on each other. Drastic steps to protect your current commitment are not uncalled for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think deep down you know this. That's why you're hesitant to tell your girlfriend about the dream. It's not just because she's nervous or lacks confidence. It's because you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; she wouldn't be comfortable with this relationship you have with another girl. And in fact, how your girlfriend feels should be reason enough to cut off this friendship: if you wish to remain committed to her, then you should demonstrate your commitment and your consideration with your actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1562" LastEditorUserId="1562" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T04:32:06.523" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T04:32:06.523" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11656" CreationDate="2018-03-11T02:23:34.653" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell him you have other plans for next year and will not be able to sublet to him for next year.  Say that you are letting him know now so he'll have plenty of notice, to look for other housing.  Neutral tone.  Don't tell him anything beyond what you've mapped out and rehearsed ahead of time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to avoid a big, unpleasant discussion, sit down and tell him in a calm way, with some opportunity for him to ask a question or make a comment; but do choose a time to tell him a few minutes before stepping out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastEditorDisplayName="user13878" LastEditDate="2018-03-11T04:34:00.437" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T04:34:00.437" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11597" CreationDate="2018-03-11T04:32:43.660" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before I provide my answer, I'd like to point out that this question is potentially offensive because it suggests women control men, which we don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question - your sister can pretend to be married, say she's working on being a nun, wear very conservative clothing, and at the end of the day the manager's going to interpret that however he wants - maybe she's just hard to get.  There's nothing she can do to stop him.  Depending on how reliable these reports are, maybe she shouldn't accept that job.  Even if she does accept this job, and does nothing with this manager, her reputation may suffer because of the assumptions others make.  At the end of the day, it is not her responsibility, it's on him.  Her only choice is whether this is a wise risk to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13699" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T04:32:43.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11627" CreationDate="2018-03-11T04:53:49.830" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you already know where they live, you might suggest forming a convoy, caravan, or some other term for group to travel to a specific location.  The idea being that that location would be close enough to people's homes that they could travel the remainder of the distance on brightly lit roads.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to suggest getting a bite to eat at some location in a more brightly lit section of town.  Both of these suggestions are intended to be general offers.  So make them to the women &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; men.  A woman who might hesitate to take an offer from a man may feel much more comfortable in a mixed group.  In general, this is not about you; it's about your coworkers' safety.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone stays late to work with you, you can make the offer directly to that person.  Apologize for keeping them late and suggest that you wouldn't mind sharing the dark roads.  Tell her that you'd feel more comfortable seeing that she got safely into her home.  That may come off as old fashioned, but unless she's particularly independent shouldn't be offensive.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know that it's appropriate to talk about rapists at work.  But it wouldn't hurt to mention robbers and falls.  E.g. &quot;if we go in a group and someone falls, someone else can call for help if needed.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're really concerned about rapists, you might collect some literature and give it to your human resources department.  You can suggest to them that they send out a quiet warning proposing a buddy system.  Then you can reference that in your offer of escort.  By giving the literature to HR and letting them disseminate it, you come off as less of a creeper.  Works best if you can explain why you are concerned, e.g. reference the national uproar.  Or perhaps a more recent event.  Ideally you want to come off as proactive, not paranoid.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not sure who to call, you might check the phone book.  I know that in the United States, there are rape crisis centers in most metropolitan areas.  If you can't find the Dutch equivalent, you might ask the police.  Such places can generally make suggestions for practical steps people (mostly women) can take to avoid assaults.  That literature is what I'd send HR.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T04:53:49.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11643" CreationDate="2018-03-11T06:11:20.887" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Anyone asking this question in this situation is likely to perceived as obnoxious, and / or a potential danger to the crew's ability to maintain calm in the cabin. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the sort of question you might be able to ask without doing damage if you were the suavest of the suave and able to ask it in a nonchalant, reassuring manner. You would have to make it clear that you are a stable, normal person motivated by minor curiosity and experiencing no fear. Even in that case, I would not expect an answer, because they have no reason to give you one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your description, it sounds like you presented as tense, and also showed a lack of respect for their authority. Showing them a flight tracker on your laptop was an aggressive action which probably made it seem that you are accusing them of withholding information (which they very well may be doing). They probably immediately thought &quot;here's a guy who is likely to cause problems for us,&quot; and you gave them one more thing to worry about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line is that having interpersonal skills means you do not ask this question in this situation, and you need to find another way to deal with your nervousness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7757" LastEditorUserId="7757" LastEditDate="2018-03-11T06:16:50.657" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T06:16:50.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11664" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11415" CreationDate="2018-03-11T06:40:48.917" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple. They get angry at you, you get angry at them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say: &quot;I don't know. I can't help you with that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They say: &quot;You know, you just don't want to help me.&quot; (which is accusing you of lying, a big no no in interpersonal relations)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say (sounding offended, which you should be at this point): 'F you (or local equivalent, if with good friends who won't get offended), I don't know! Nobody knows everything, congratulations, you found a thing I don't know anything about. Is that so hard to believe I don't know something? I know about that thing the same amount as you. We can learn together about it, but I can't help you otherwise.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(if they choose to continue)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They say: But you could solve/learn it so much easier than me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say: &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/J4GgVKZIxLY?t=42s&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;I believe in you&quot;&gt;I believe in you.&lt;/a&gt;. Don't sell yourself short! You're awesome at &lt;code&gt;*something they're good at and you suck in*&lt;/code&gt;. You learned it yourself, this isn't much harder. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6991" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T06:40:48.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11665" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11668" CreationDate="2018-03-11T11:31:58.040" Score="3" ViewCount="1249" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and my girlfriend (Let’s call her Alice) had a small misunderstanding;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We both have an own house in different cities, but most of the time we are together in one of the houses. This weekend I had to sleep somewhere else for one night. When I left, Alice was still at my home. She doesn’t like it when she is there all by her own and I totally understand that. So I ask her why she didn’t go to a friend’s house or her parents who live fairly close to my house. She liked that idea but she didn’t have a lot of money. For me, money is not really a problem so I wanted to give her some money for the train and buses. The only thing she had to do is send me some info so I could transfer some money to her public transport card. She agreed to this plan and she would send me the information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never got the info and because of this, I though she had a solution on her own. I didn’t talk to her that day but we contacted each other with some messages and nothing sounded off. When I contacted her today, she sounded a little bit angry and asked me why I never ask her about the info. I told her that I was waiting on her message and thought she had found a solution on her own. I was very busy with things so my mind wasn’t on this problem. We also agreed that she will send me the info and told her this on the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was still not happy and didn’t understand why I didn’t ask her about it. The reason behind this is that she doesn’t like to ask for money and she didn’t know what info she had to send me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How I see it, is that she had to do the first step. She has a problem and not me. I see a simple solution for her to fix this problem. Just called me on the end of the day and asked how my day was and just remind me that she was travelling that evening to her parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make it clear to her that the only thing she had to do was contact me and reminded me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I want to ask how I can make it clear that she can always ask money if she needs it? I think this is the big problem for her because of her pride (this is a assumption) as in the past I have borrowed money from her and this was never a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notes:&#xA;Me and alice are in a relation for over 3 years.&#xA;We live in North-Westerly Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14128" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-11T14:42:04.213" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T14:43:08.733" Title="How to make clear that somebody has to take the first step in asking for money" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11665" CreationDate="2018-03-11T14:41:01.963" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As this is something that's already happened, there's nothing you can really do in this specific situation again (and it may be easier to just drop this topic and let her cool off about it, rather than you continually talking about it - as by doing so you are potentially implying that it was &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; fault).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in the future you can simply remind her yourself. Instead of assuming she has found an alternative way you should remind her yourself, just by popping her a short message as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, just wanted to check do you still need some extra money or are you good?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's found a solution to the problem she (hopefully) will reply to inform you that she has found an alternative way, and that she no longer needs your help. If she does still need your help, however, she will (again hopefully) reply to your message with any questions she might need to ask you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of making her aware that in future she can ask for money herself, just be very proactive in offering her assistance, if you have any reason to doubt she has sufficient funds, you can just discreetly ask her &quot;Do you have enough funds to cover &lt;em&gt;x&lt;/em&gt;?&quot;. Eventually she may get the message and will eventually start asking herself, however if it is her pride as you suggest it may be the case that she will almost never ask - however you can still take care of her and make sure she has enough money by discreetly asking her whenever you doubt she has enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T14:41:01.963" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11665" CreationDate="2018-03-11T14:43:08.733" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general it's hard for someone to ask for money. Hardly anyone likes to make this first step so I think your title doesn't hit the reality. If you really want to give someone money, you should so the first step and make the offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the rest of your text sounds like you did that which is a good start. Now I wonder how does&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She agreed to this plan and she would send me the information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she sounded a little bit angry and asked me why I never ask her about the info.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;go together for her? You already expected her to send this information, didn't you?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she didn’t know what info she had to send me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you know that, assuming the thing was already planned? Why didn't she ask that right away? You should clarify that to understand the situation and to make her understand your position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T14:43:08.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11613" CreationDate="2018-03-11T16:04:37.220" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The trick to smalltalk for beginners is to find in yourself a genuine interest* in a topic the person you're talking with is interested, and ideally knowledgeable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then let them do the talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person: Did you see the soccer game yesterday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Um, nope. By the way, I hear you've picked up welding as a hobby. To be honest, I have no idea how that really works, but it sounds interesting. Would you mind telling me more about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*A genuine interest doesn't mean you have to so interested that you pick it up as a hobby. It means you need to find a topic where you're interested enough to actually listen to the answers and still retain some of the information a couple weeks later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T16:04:37.220" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11627" CreationDate="2018-03-11T16:10:12.940" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although statistically it may be unsafer for women, assuming that it is so in a group with a small number of people is not as accurate (and I think it could be considered impolite). I think it is best to &lt;strong&gt;offer a ride to multiple people&lt;/strong&gt; (even more than one person is better) for general group safety. Those who need it will probably accept the offer, especially because &lt;strong&gt;if you offer to every it's clear that there are no discreet intentions&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14132" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-11T17:24:38.033" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T17:24:38.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11630" CreationDate="2018-03-11T17:13:05.303" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;While confronting the liar might sound like an epic movie scene where the forces of good triumph at the end, this might not be how it turns out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this person whom I'll call &quot;Liar&quot; sound like a liar and manipulator, while you sound like a decent normal person. If you confront them, you will most likely lose and come off worse. Perhaps Liar will push your buttons and make you angry enough that you make a fool of yourself, or if they're good, Liar might even convince you that you did or said something wrong to your ex, and that it was all your fault! Or most likely, they will weasel out of it and you won't learn anything, yet you will later replay the interaction in your head wondering what you could have done to make it turn out better, perhaps you'll then blame yourself, etc. This can go wrong in many ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More information about Liar's character and their motives would be helpful: are they simply toxic, enjoy making others miserable, or did they make your ex leave you so she could then be available to date one of their friends? Or as revenge? Who knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'd do is have a chat with one of the &quot;friends&quot; in the group. Pick the one who is the least close to Liar, and whom you think trusts you the most. In other words, someone who perhaps has heard about what you want to know, but for whom the stakes are low, so they won't feel threatened, and will be more likely to tell you the truth rather than protect themselves with a lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since Liar wanted you out of the group I'd bet she told her story to everyone in great detail, and made sure to talk trash about you any time she could, so they will probably all have heard about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could go like this. Say you were accused of cheating, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey Steve, I need your help with something.&quot; (note: tone is not accusatory). &quot;I still don't know why my ex left, she seemed to think I was cheating, but that never happened, so I wonder how she could have come up with that idea.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try to explain you're worried about her, but you shouldn't make the conversation about you, ie not sound too much like you're trying to prove your innocence. More like you're trying to understand what happened before moving on, and you're not holding a grudge against her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worst case, Steve believed the story and gives you hell for whatever it was you're supposed to have done. Still useful though, as in doing so, he will give you all the information you want. Just weather the storm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best case, Steve thinks it's a bit fishy that Liar has made it a point to tell everyone how evil you are without a single shred of evidence, and he helps you sort it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this works out, perhaps you may end up talking to your ex, but don't count on it. She's probably moved on, and so should you. I don't think you should contact her before getting more information from someone who is more likely to be willing to talk because the stakes for them are low.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T17:13:05.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11676" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11656" CreationDate="2018-03-11T20:57:48.330" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here are some suggestions for how to best deliver the bad news to your roommate:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell him in person&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's tempting to e-mail him or leave him a note, but talking&#xA;  face-to-face shows respect, especially if you're discussing ending&#xA;  some type of relationship. Also, an e-mail or note is easy to&#xA;  misinterpret, whereas when you're physically with him, you can explain&#xA;  or clarify things immediately so that there's less room for&#xA;  misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Judith Bram Murphy)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Consider the setting&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There's never a great moment to have a tough talk, but you can avoid&#xA;  any excessive hurt by choosing a day carefully - for instance, while&#xA;  your lease expires in August, you don't want to deliver the bad news&#xA;  to him on Memorial Day weekend or on the 4th of July holiday.  The&#xA;  place, too, can make a difference: It should offer relative privacy,&#xA;  the option for a quick exit, and an atmosphere that will allow the&#xA;  other person to feel comfortable and react safely. (Sitting in a&#xA;  well-chosen bar or restaurant in your neighborhood can be more&#xA;  conducive to a sensitive conversation than driving in a car, where&#xA;  both of you are stuck after you tell him the news.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Linda Sapadin)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Rehearse a little&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The impulse to memorize exactly what you're going to say is&#xA;  understandable -- it's easy to just let it out and then end the&#xA;  discussion early. But scripting the entire speech will make you seem&#xA;  insincere.  On the other hand, a nervous or agitated delivery can&#xA;  cause both of you to feel worse, so it's not a bad idea to practice&#xA;  the first few sentences to help you through the initial awkward&#xA;  moments -- but after that, try letting your words come out naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Dana Bristol-Smith)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Acknowledge how hard this is&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're stumbling over how to start, you could start with something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know how to say this, but I must tell you something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to scare you, but there's something you need to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Let the other person react&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Uncomfortable as this can be, keep in mind that most people wind down&#xA;  after an initial outburst. Remain conscious of your breathing, and&#xA;  keep it slow and steady -- that will go a long way in helping you stay&#xA;  calm. (When you're nervous, you tend to breathe very rapidly or hold&#xA;  your breath.) Try not to interrupt or respond emotionally to your&#xA;  roommate being upset. If his anger escalates and makes you feel&#xA;  unsafe, announce that you are providing some time to cool down, and&#xA;  leave the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Express empathy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your roommate is visibly upset, acknowledging your role in his distress, e.g. saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really sorry this is making you so upset&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;lets him know that you care, despite the circumstances. If there are tears, offer Kleenex or a glass of water, and ask if he would like a few minutes of privacy.  If he's angry, saying something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hear you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;at least offers some validation of how he's feeling. Just make sure your empathy is rooted in reality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can understand that you're angry with me because I disappointed you,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That was not the way I wanted it to work out, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;shows concern without giving false hope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Dana Bristol-Smith)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-have-a-difficult-conversation-delivering-bad-news#ixzz59TQIyWUU&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-have-a-difficult-conversation-delivering-bad-news#ixzz59TQIyWUU&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-11T21:46:38.940" LastActivityDate="2018-03-11T21:46:38.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11613" CreationDate="2018-03-12T07:33:22.167" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Cut the small talk. Tell me a story. What's new in your life?&quot; Follow up with &quot;how do you feel about X?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;SQL style small talk often arises when the parties aren't very close or in tune to each other. It sucks. But realize that it's usually an honest, albeit boring, attempt to spend time with and better know you. My suggestion is basically derail the conversation. Launch it from small talk into real talk. Like other answers here, I'm suggesting you can shift the query onto the other party. But that need not be the only option. Consider,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Forget about the game. Forget small talk. Do you want to hear a story?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then begin on your own diatribe that sparks your interest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Small talk is boring but polite. It's... safe. Interesting conversation sometimes needs a bit of boldness to get there. If they don't kick it up a notch, why don't you? The fear is that if you're from disjoint cultures or mindsets, it might be difficult to communicate properly. Throw those fears to the wind, my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8357" LastEditorDisplayName="user8357" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T18:01:56.503" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T18:01:56.503" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11681" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11597" CreationDate="2018-03-12T08:14:40.227" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Especially if you sister can afford losing her job, &lt;strong&gt;there's no need to resort to body language&lt;/strong&gt; or similar tricks. She should just say &quot;NO&quot; to her boss when he makes his advances. Unless, of course, there's a chance of being raped regardless, at which point she simply shouldn't go near this person. Trying to protect oneself with body language in a situation like that is dangerously silly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T08:14:40.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11682" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11689" CreationDate="2018-03-12T09:11:14.590" Score="43" ViewCount="20314" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm asking this question on behalf of my girlfriend because she's asking me for help but I'm not sure on how to handle this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A little bit of background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend's parents moved from south of the country and came here in the north for reasons of work. Her mom is a housewife (Let's call her Alice) so the only income is from her dad (Let's call him Bob).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have 3 children (Jhon - 30 years old, Barb - 28 years old and my GF who is 18 years old).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, Jhon and Barb moved with their partners, so the family atmosphere is composed only of my GF and her parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time one of their children started working, Bob and Alice saw them as a money cow.. and started milking them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Literally, every time the monthly salary of one of their children arrived, they took a significant part of it.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*By took I mean that they asked her to give them the money they asked for without accepting a &quot;No&quot; as answer, thus taking them.&#xA;If she says a flat no, things will get only worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jhon and Barb moved with their respective partners so early because they were tired and frustrated with this attitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it's my GF's turn: she's only 18 yet she works during the day and goes to school in the evening. &#xA;She's doing the best that she can to build up her future, but we all know what can be done with little to no money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She had to pay the school for herself, she's trying to save some money to get herself a driving license and so on. Whatever she needs, she has to buy it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While she understands that Bob and Alice need help every month, she is really frustrated that they ask her more than half of her salary every month, and when she denies something, her parents turn to aggressive and she is judged as the daughter who doesn't understand and doesn't want to help her family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To make things worse, Bob and Alice start to waste money in dumb thing when she helps: They start to go to the restaurant frequently, they buy silly things ( they just got an access point for their home.. 70 square meters. ) and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way she found to save some money is to take her money from her bank account and give them to me, so she can't be forced to lend money (since she doesn't have them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I'm sure Bob and Alice are nice people, I find this attitude dreadfully wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can my girlfriend do/say to set some boundaries and avoid any repercussions and negative emotions?&#xA;More specifically, she wants to help but how can she handle them and make them understand that she can help up to a given limit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she doesn't own any car or driving license, she is still dependent on her dad (the only one with a driving license).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's been tried:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She already tried to tell them that she needs some money for herself and that it's frustrating working to have nothing in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her brother, Jhon, tried to tell them not to milk her as they did to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of the above helped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answers to comments:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Tinkeringbell:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What does your girlfriend get in return for the payments she makes to&#xA;     her parents (folded laundry, meals, internet, tv, space)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She gets folded laundry since her mother is a housewife.&#xA;She sometimes has to pay for meals because they borrow her money to do the shopping at the supermarket.&#xA;She rarely is at home so internet is almost meaningless, but she gets it.&#xA;She gets TV for sure.&#xA;She gets space, yes, but if she needs to study, she has to go to the library because her parents are too noisy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If she compares it to living on her own, is it more or less expensive&#xA;     to stay with the parents?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be less expensive, in fact, we already plan to move together but we need a solid base. (She needs the driving license and a car/moped/scooter plus some spare money to rent the apartment.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is the amount she pays a set thing, that was agreed upon beforehand?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It varies based on how much they ask her, but it's rarely less than half of her salary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the cultural background of your girlfriend's parents, of your&#xA;     girlfriend and you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, I live alone and I'm 21 and I like being independent so I planned my life with that in mind.&#xA;She would also like to move and come live with me to gain independence, but money is a mountain to climb.&#xA;She chose a night school just to be able to work during the day (she actually sleeps 6 hours every night during the week to maintain both things).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also, do you have any more information on how your girlfriend tried&#xA;     to tell her parents she wanted more money for her own, how did that&#xA;     conversation go?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have much information, but I know that it was never a peaceful conversation. It was more of an argument every time rather than a calm discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="168" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T17:31:33.777" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T17:31:33.777" Title="How to handle my girlfriend's parents' attitude to asking her for money?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;italy&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11682" CreationDate="2018-03-12T09:52:41.447" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Without stating where you're from, it's a little difficult to understand what the cultural acceptance of a woman living alone is.  Since both of her siblings moved in with partners, it's not clear if moving out and getting a room/flat for herself is a viable option.  I'm going to assume (possibly incorrectly) that this is an option and in a fairly western environment based on your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Literally, every time the monthly salary of one of their sons arrived, they took a significant part of it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned borrow earlier, but here you say they're taking it.  If they have access to the money, that's the first thing to fix and should be something easily done by setting boundaries.  What comes next depends on how much your girlfriend wants to risk offending her parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;*Since she doesn't own any car or driving license, she is still dependent on her dad ( the only one with a driving license ).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She won't be able to gain independence without learning how to set boundaries and prevent people from taking advantage of her. That's true regardless of culture, but how much is expected from her may vary significantly depending on your culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in a location where a woman getting a small flat in a room share isn't entirely unheard of, I would suggest that you talk with her and find out what a room similar to what she has access to now would cost on the open market.  Research prices, proximity to public transport, extra expenses, bills, etc.  Then, once you have that price, you have a great bargaining chip.  With that in mind, she can sit down with her parents and discuss that amount, how you reached it, and state, quite simply, that she feels it is an appropriate amount of rent to pay her parents.  Her parents get the added comfort of knowing exactly how much is coming in every month and can budget appropriately, and your girlfriend knows exactly how much she has left over for her own pursuits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While plenty of parents don't charge their adult children rent, it's a reasonable compromise if they are expecting her to start paying her own way.  Whether they see it as extra income, or simply expecting an earning adult to start learning the responsibility of becoming an adult, it's better for everyone involved to quantify it and discuss it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they aren't happy with that, then she knows she has the ability to move out and pay that amount somewhere else under circumstances that are more in line with gaining her independence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T09:52:41.447" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11685" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11696" CreationDate="2018-03-12T11:05:34.840" Score="5" ViewCount="1238" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a certain behavior that I have observed during conversations with my work mates, or sometimes during casual conversations with extended family members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person will talk about a certain problem, big or small. Sometimes, when I can think of a solution, I offer my opinion on the issue. Most of the times I might have been the least expected person to offer a solution, as well as it being a simple, one line statement, and not an elaborate action plan. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, their reactions have been one of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Laugh at what I said. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stare at me like I have just committed a murder, and ignore my solution&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make a long face that someone like me has had a solution &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say something sarcastic or offending. For e.g., 'If you have a solution, then why are you still at this position' or 'This person has good general knowledge' or anything else to mock me. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of late I have understood that I was answering questions for people to whom I was not the intended solution provider, and hence all of the above things have happened. I am having a tough time deciding when to give a solution and when not to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I do not offer a solution at the office I think it would not be fair, because my ideas could, perhaps, substantially contribute to the well being of the company. However, if I speak up, I might be mocked, and I fear the kind of nasty stares that I would get later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is : &lt;strong&gt;How should I assess when to give solutions to problems when in a group discussion and the question is thrown at all participating audience and not specific to anyone?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 1 : I am mentioning how I have reacted to such backlash previously:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There were instances where I was deeply hurt. And couldn't do anything but feel bad about it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sometimes, there would be awkward silence among us and turned out to be very embarrassing. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most of the times, it would be shrugged off with statements like, 'You seem to be a know-all' which is more hurtful. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 2 : Edited my question more elaborately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 3 : As per a few comments/answers, I am mentioning below a few scenarios, where I offered a one line solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation 1&lt;/strong&gt; : There was a kind of quiz program, where we had 3-4 teams. The quiz master asked a few questions for which the answers were one liners. Most of the rounds were rapid fire and not intended to any team in specific. 80% of such questions were in my area of expertise and I answered them in a jiffy. Everyone, including the quiz master, made a long face. My team won, but I was not happy seeing those long faces. My quiz master was not happy seeing my team winning and esp, because I was the major contributor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation 2&lt;/strong&gt; : We were all in a team meeting and one of the members was struggling hard to recollect a word that is used for a particular scenario. I was the one to answer it. By the looks of it, he knew it but couldn't remember and was not happy to receive an answer from me. And, I guess, it was a new word to the rest of the team members. I could guess it from their body language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation 3&lt;/strong&gt; : A female colleague was discussing about her PMS problems when we were both alone. I asked her if she happened to meet a gynec. She didn't respond to me but appeared to be in a pensive mood. She avoided me for that entire day. We usually have a small chat every two hours or so, during the work hours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are the situations which needed one word or one sentence answers and in fact, these are casual ones. Apart from these, there are 3-4 instances where I had given technical solutions too which were met with a long, brooding faces or mocking comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 4 : I am writing this after reading all the comments and answers to this thread.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per the answers I have received below, I did realize a few things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As @Spagirl has mentioned, may be people were not really looking for a solution and my reply might have made them feel that I do not consider their problem to be as severe as they thought. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, going forward, I would be more assertive in my replies. I thought I was being assertive till now, but it is possible that I might have come across as condescending. @Astralbee, yes, I think ignoring the rebuff of my extended family is good for short term. I think handling things at workplace is of utmost importance to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of one liners, I definitely would add a few phrases as suggested by @Laura. My reply might have come across as though it was not a big problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I request all those who have answered not to delete their replies; every single sentence has been useful to me. I am writing this as I have seen a few answers getting deleted or edited in SE. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S: Please feel free to add appropriate tags. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastEditorUserId="2969" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T02:13:11.270" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T22:06:41.460" Title="Giving a solution when I am the least expected one" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11682" CreationDate="2018-03-12T11:39:55.317" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Within any culture, families think and operate differently from one another. The fact that you don't find this behaviour normal would suggest that this is a family thing, not a cultural thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The education and working life of her parents is likely the biggest influence on them. If they had to work hard to support themselves and then raise three kids, they probably consider it normal and only right that working children begin to contribute to the family financially. Rather than ascribe bad motives to her parents by assuming they treat their kids as &quot;cash cows&quot; it may simply be that they may feel they are doing the right thing by asking for money; or perhaps they just cannot afford to support her in higher education.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you have already calculated that what they ask from her is less expensive than if she had to live on her own. From a purely financial point of view then, you couldn't argue that they were being unfair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What seems unreasonable to me is that there is no fixed agreement. They ask for varying amounts, and then sometimes expect extra for food, or whatever. You also mentioned &quot;folding laundry&quot; as one of the things she receives in return for her payments, but that is not something one would normally pay for living alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What she needs to agree with them is a &lt;em&gt;reasonable, fixed amount&lt;/em&gt; of board and agree on what she received for that amount.&lt;/strong&gt; That may not be easy - families are not a business arrangement. What parents do for children isn't really quantifiable - if we actually monetised all the things they did for us between ages 0-18 we'd be in so much debt by the time our working life began we'd never pay it off!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before she can set boundaries/limits on the amount she pays and what she gets in return, all parties involved need a frame of reference. Her parents aren't really calculating a cost, they are just making it up as they go along. She will never agree anything with them unless the parents consider the alternatives. For this reason I would advise she &lt;em&gt;suggests&lt;/em&gt; to them that she is &lt;em&gt;considering&lt;/em&gt; moving out. This shouldn't be posed as a threat, but if she tells them that she is mathematically calculating the cost of living alone then this gives them all something to compare against.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate all the things that you do for me, such as my laundry.&#xA;  But if I moved out I would do those things for myself. I can't afford&#xA;  to pay you for things I don't need, so please can we agree a fair&#xA;  amount to pay you each month if I choose to continue living here? That&#xA;  way I can calculate if I'd be better off moving out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When discussing, consider the &lt;strong&gt;actual&lt;/strong&gt; cost to her parents:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The cost of food she eats*&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Other items that she uses (eg toiletries)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Water she uses (if paid for by usage)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Energy she uses (electrical items, laundry, heating water for showers etc)**&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(*)Food is often bought on an economy of scale. It may not cost her parents much less in food if she wasn't there.&#xA;(**)Heating a house costs the same no matter how many are in it, unless she is heating it when they are not home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some other things to reason and negotiate on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Could she do her own laundry?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Could she pay for food based on how many times she ate at home that month?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Could she buy her own items like washing powder and keep those separate for when she does her laundry? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What would her mother the &quot;housewife&quot; do once all her children leave home? Will she go out to work and earn money or will folding her husband's shirts keep her busy all day every day?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really are just after the money then they will probably not want to lose her. The actual cost of her being there probably isn't very much when you consider the points above. I believe they will be financially worse off when she leaves, unless her mother goes to work too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But not assuming bad motives - they seem to be charging her for the cost of &lt;em&gt;parenting&lt;/em&gt; her, which is why it is so unreasonably high. Find common ground and agree to pay a &lt;em&gt;fair amount&lt;/em&gt; to cover the &lt;em&gt;actual cost&lt;/em&gt; of her living there, and see if she can steer the arrangement more towards her ultimately gaining independence than them continuing with all the things they did for her as a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T14:01:24.000" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T14:01:24.000" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11685" CreationDate="2018-03-12T12:48:38.643" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have always been an introvert, myself. During my college days, people thought that I was being rude, when my conversations were short. So, when I tried to  make the initiative to talk to people, in the rarest of rare occasions, I was simply ignored, and my attempts were rebuffed. I was looked down upon, for being an introvert, in other ways too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I don't like long-distance travelling. So, when I declined my friends' invitations to go on a tour with them, they took it as a personal insult, and when I tried to make conversation later, they mocked me too. And I was clueless as to why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If you ignore your colleague's invitations to socialise outside the office, they will be more inclined to treat you like this.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility is jealousy of some sort. Your colleagues might be jealous of something you have, which they don't. There are two ways to feel superior to others: by possessing something coveted/by excelling at something&#xA;or by putting down others. It might just be a dominance contest which is quite common in social hierarchies nowadays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Those who cannot use the former way, might use the latter way.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;TL;DR;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply refrain from your offering your help unless someone asks for it specifically, or if something too important hinges on your offered help. On a side note, it's best that you tell this to a trusted friend. He might have more insight, being close to you. If the situation doesn't improve even after that, give them the cold shoulder; they might change their behaviour. Even better yet, witholding help, when they come to you, might be enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13878" LastEditorDisplayName="user13878" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T12:55:33.693" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T12:55:33.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11689" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11682" CreationDate="2018-03-12T14:02:27.913" Score="84" Body="&lt;p&gt;The varying amounts which your girlfriend is being charged, combined with the emotional guilt tripping (&quot;not a good daughter&quot; if she doesn't pay up) lead me to believe that this is an exploitative relationship, and not one meant to simply instill financial responsibility on her. You seem to have reached much the same conclusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While other answers describe some conversations that can be had with her parents, the first thing you need to realize when imposing borders on people who do not seem to operate on the same wavelength as you is that it will lead to strife. And often times, when tensions run high, you need to be able to promise retaliatory action, and actually follow through if you want the other party to take you seriously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That all sounds pretty scary, so what does this actually mean?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. There's a long history of abuse of the parent-child relationship at play here.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her parents are used to getting their way not only with her, but with her siblings before her as well. None of their three kids have been able to stand up to them, and the two eldest ended up &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;moving out&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to finally escape their parents' intrusion into their financial lives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does this tell you? That the cost of building those boundaries was so high that these people chose to pack their things and move away rather than try to impose them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This being the case, what are the chances that your girlfriend will be any more successful than her siblings in standing up to her parents? Frankly, quite low.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to understand this, because it awakens you to the reality that this will be a difficult battle to fight. Prepare yourself, and her (especially her), for some tough months to come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. There will be fighting - and it will not be pretty - however, she needs to stand firm on her position.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing that happens when you confront a drunk about his or her drinking, is that they try to lie to you about it. And when you push the issue, they get manipulative (bad daughter! Give me your money!), and finally aggressive, and deceitful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is this important? Because there's already signs of this relationship dynamic at play here (bad daughter!). Your girlfriend will definitely need to sit down with her parents and lay down the law. This is the way this conversation might go if her parents are at all reasonable:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; I will only be paying X per month from now on (you can determine X using some of the tips that the other answers give you). &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Parents:&lt;/strong&gt; What? We do A, B, C, D, and E for you! X + Y is the least of what you owe us! &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; While I appreciate you having done all these things for me in the past, I can do my own D &amp;amp; E, and will no longer pay for that &quot;service&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, what are the chances of that being the case? Most likely, the first words out of their mouths will be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Parents:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;strong&gt;WHAT&lt;/strong&gt;? After all we've done for you, you're trying to set up some sort of limit? Have &lt;strong&gt;we&lt;/strong&gt; ever done that to &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; as a child?!?! What a &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;bad daughter&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will, of course, completely ignore the fact that having chosen to have her, they're responsible for her well being, and upbringing. It's emotional abuse and manipulation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where the going get tough, as your girlfriend will need to stand up for herself, and not budge on her position:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; Be that as it may, I will only be paying X from now on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; if they're being reasonable, and feel that X is a little too low, you may wish to negotiate. However, I don't think that this conversation will flow along &quot;reasonable&quot; lines, and she also shouldn't agree on an amount that's more than 50% of what she makes. Heck, I would choose X to be something like 35%, and maybe go up to 40% if they negotiate, no more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note 2:&lt;/strong&gt; If your girlfriend wants to be taken seriously, she will likely need to stand more on her own two feet. That means no more asking her father to drive her around, or expecting her mother to do and fold her laundry. She may want to start placing her laundry in a separate basket, and washing her own clothes, using detergent she buys for herself. This is an excellent way of setting boundaries, even though it's regrettable having to do so with your own family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. She will need to cut of access to her funds.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her parents have any way of directly accessing her funds, she will have to make sure that this access is disabled before she drops the aforementioned bomb on them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's sharing an account with either one of them, she will likely have to go out and get her own, and then instruct her work to deposit her paycheck there instead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's already the case, but they know the PIN to her card, or password to her internet banking portal, then she will need to change those, and make sure that she doesn't keep them anywhere where her parents could get a hold of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point she will be capable of following through with only paying them X rent by virtue of having control over her finances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. This will likely not be enough - she has to stand strong.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her standing up to them is likely to unleash a torrent of emotional and psychological abuse. Anyone calling their child a bad daughter for not handing over her paycheck on a whim is likely capable of no more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your girlfriend &lt;strong&gt;has got to stand firm&lt;/strong&gt; on denying them access to her account, and only paying them X. If she gives in under the onslaught of emotional guilt tripping, then it will be that much more difficult to try and stand up to them a second time. Much like disciplining a child, once you've outlined a course of action you have to stick with it, otherwise the child will know that he can manipulate you into changing your mind if he cries loud enough, or makes enough of a scene in the candy store.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're going to have to be on the ball throughout this period, as your girlfriend will likely need a lot of emotional support from you during this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5. This will likely &lt;em&gt;still not be enough&lt;/em&gt;, and she will have to be ready to escalate.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her parents come to accept the situation, and things calm down, then congratulations, the battle is won. However, chances are that at some point or another, the emotional warfare is going to reach a boiling point, and your girlfriend will have to be ready to use the nuclear option:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; I can see that there is a lot of tension between us over my recent decision to only pay a rent of X. I'm sorry to say that in light of these developments, I'm probably going to have to move out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once that bomb is dropped, you can't back down. If they try to talk her out of it, then she may choose to keep living there if things actually change for the better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, things may actually get worse, in which case she has no choice but to follow through with her promise and actually get a place of her own. Anything less is asking for trouble. Perhaps the two of you can move in together, or perhaps she can appeal to her siblings for a bit of financial help until she's making enough to comfortably live on her own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously discuss the possibility that she will have to move out before she gets the ball rolling, because if she's not prepared to pull the trigger on this, then she's probably not ready to stand up to her parents at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T20:17:33.440" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T20:17:33.440" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11690" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11693" CreationDate="2018-03-12T14:12:02.417" Score="34" ViewCount="17750" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: Me and my fiancée have been living together for three years, two in our actual residence. Half a year ago we invited a friend of mine, who was coming to the city we live in to study, to live with us. We didn't set a limit on how much time we would be living together. Said friend expects to stay for at least a year and a half more. We would like to be left alone as soon as the school year is over (three to four months).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are no boundary issues, or disrespectful behaviour, or anything of the sort. The main reason we want to go back to living alone is that we want our &quot;couple life&quot; back. Many times we want to be alone in our living room, and it would be extremely rude to ask someone living in the same house to stay exclusively in their room, but at the same time it spoils our mood that we cannot spend quality time alone. So there's no real way of fixing the issue while remaining housemates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one hand, this will come pretty much out of the blue, though the time limit should be generous enough. When we invited my friend to come over we didn't specify how long the stay would last, and while we expected to last for the current school year, my friend's expectations differ. Until recently we thought my fiancée would have to go live somewhere else for a year for work-related issues, but in the end it will only be about a month. Knowing this, we really want to be alone again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, we know my friend has financial troubles, and right now her income is low and instable. While we have no issues if a payment is late or even doesn't come (since we were already living here and paying the full rental before my friend came), we know that somewhere else that could be an issue. So &quot;kicking out&quot; our current housemate might mean my friend has to leave the city and go back to the family house, and thus would be unable to continue studying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What we want is to say &quot;it's not you, it's us, so get out of our house&quot; while remaining friends. If staying with us is the only option my friend has to continue studying we would allow the current arrangement to continue, but we are afraid that saying this will mean than only a minimal, token effort is put into searching for alternatives and thus would be fruitless. So how could we tactfully ask our housemate to leave?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12163" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T15:52:45.637" Title="How to tactfully ask a housemate to leave" Tags="&lt;europe&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11685" CreationDate="2018-03-12T14:14:01.200" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the youngest sibling of 4 and the youngest cousin of over 30, I have spent most of my adult life in this scenario. At my first job in my current career, I was in a senior position so I didn't have this scenario; then I moved locations, and joined a firm where no one ever leaves, so I have remained in a junior position for 13 years. I went from being a trusted SME to a proverbial newbie whose optimal performance grades and proven track record don't mean much because in their eyes, I'm was hired after they were so they know more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a few choices, such as don't say anything (keep it to yourself - a mild form of punishment to them, e.g. 'letting them suffer' for not listening to you), or provide full blown details of  &quot;This is what I would do...&quot; which will turn them off, or you can attempt to share your advice but in more of a counseling way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, phrase your wording with phrases such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Hmmm, that's interesting. Have you tried ___?&quot;  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Really? Well, you might try ___. Although it may not be relevant in your particular scenario, it&#xA;has worked for me.&quot;  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Really? How odd, you might consider ___&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;You know, I thought I saw an article/case/story where this was actually&#xA;fixed/studied/tested/researched...hold on and I'll find that information for you&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go this route, you leave the power to choose up to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they opt to not follow your suggestion, which is what happens with one of my siblings, that's their freedom to choose. I can think of a scenario where I had an excellent suggestion for a divorce lawyer with an excellent track record for him, but he rejected the suggestion. The only reason I can fathom is that I'm younger than he is. If he always negates my input, that is his loss, not mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your delivery is couched in any shred of arrogance or pride, they will pick up on it; your advice will not be considered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13909" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T14:14:01.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11690" CreationDate="2018-03-12T14:28:04.727" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that privacy for a couple is very understandable, she'll understand too if she's not being unreasonable. Bring your fiancée and housemate in a neutral place like a cafè and explain all of this (that you just want your privacy back and she did nothing wrong), then &lt;strong&gt;set a deadline&lt;/strong&gt; which can be worked out and say something like &quot;we'd like that you find another place to stay in, e.g., 2 months&quot;. If needed, help her searching for another affordable accomodation. Also, tell her that she can make a study loan if scholarships are not an option and her family can't help her, many people do that and given the fact that you are in Europe there should be various options which won't economically kill her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14159" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T15:17:05.717" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T15:17:05.717" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11690" CreationDate="2018-03-12T14:31:16.697" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whether you remain friends or not will depend heavily on how mature and gracious your friend is. It's very nice of you to let your friend get away with not paying rent every once in a while, as well as being so considerate about her financial situation, however she is presumably an adult, and would have to figure her situation out if you were not around to host her (if you moved away, for example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest sitting down with her and communicating your wishes in a polite a way as possible. Don't be rude, but don't be apologetic either - it's your apartment, and although you accommodated her while you could, things have changed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey X, thanks for having this chat with us. We've enjoyed having you stay with us for the past year, and we hope it's been beneficial to you as well, but as you know our circumstances have changed - Y will not be going away for a year anymore -, and we're going to be unable to host you any longer. We don't want to rush you out the door or anything, but we'd appreciate it if you found different accommodations for when your school year ends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is when you carefully watch for her reaction. She &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be mature about it, and not drag you into her personal issues (if she's not making enough money then she needs to get out and find a job ASAP). The only acceptable response is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oky doke, guys. Thanks so much for having me for this past year! I'll start making arrangements for the end of the school year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's the case then you can volunteer as much of your help as you feel comfortable in helping her find a job/place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if she even hints at emotional guilt tripping over her financial situation, you'll have to set your foot down:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh. Did I do something wrong? &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; No, you most certainly didn't. Our plans together have changed, and we'd simply like our intimacy. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Her:&lt;/strong&gt; Well, you never told me I was intruding before. This is a really bad time for me, you know. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; We were more than happy to host you, and we hope that this situation will end amicably. I'm sympathetic of your situation, however you knew that this moment will likely come, and you have another 4 months to find a solution. I can offer some help in finding a new place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need to always keep in mind is that you're not doing anything wrong by asking her to move out. It's your place, and your generosity, while appreciated while it lasted, is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not owed her&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T16:08:38.180" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T16:08:38.180" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11685" CreationDate="2018-03-12T15:07:53.140" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer your question of &lt;strong&gt;when to give solutions&lt;/strong&gt;: If you have been included in a discussion at work, then your opinions have merit. Unless you are there in some specific, non-contributory capacity then you are there to speak up and help shape the outcome, and I believe that you should. You may just need to be more assertive than you perhaps have been, and some web research may turn up a few helpful articles on assertiveness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your workmates make you feel bad just for speaking up, then they probably aren't the sort of people you'd want to be friends with outside of work anyway, so you have nothing to lose by being assertive at work. They will either respect you for being assertive, or they will just continue to be jerks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this in mind, always state your opinions and idea clearly and affirmatively. If someone shoots you down, ask them to explain themselves. &lt;em&gt;Why&lt;/em&gt; do they think your idea won't work? Be ready and prepared to defend your ideas. But do remember that in a healthy work environment (yours sounds a bit toxic) the purpose of meetings like that is to share ideas and talk them through until everybody agrees on the best way forward - so be prepared to back down graciously if you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; proved wrong. Still, I don't believe this question is about whether you are right or wrong - it is about the unpleasant way your colleagues are reacting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you know your workplace rights. This &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; differ from place to place so I have no specific advice, but forewarned is forearmed, and if you know for example that your employer has a policy on bullying then you should feel assured you can stand up to someone who may be unfairly maligning  you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the matter of your extended family sometimes making you feel the same way - well, it &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be that because it happens so much at work you are extra sensitive to this. But I don't want to imply that you are imagining this. I note that you said &quot;extended&quot; family, not immediate family, and not friends. Well, immediate family are the ones we are closest to, and there is a natural understanding between them. Friends we choose. But whatever you mean by extended family, be it in-laws or distant cousins, these can be difficult to deal with because there is a level of familiarity but without the closeness. My advice here would be to tolerate this if you can, because upsetting even distant family can have a further-reaching impact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T16:58:32.983" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T16:58:32.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11696" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11685" CreationDate="2018-03-12T15:10:45.813" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;NB This answer was written when the Question read: ‘How should I use my discretion as to when to answer to something and when not to?’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is often useful when you aren’t getting the reaction you expect or hope for to have a look, not so much at the immediate situation, ie here that would be you offering a solution and being rebuffed, as at the wider context, including what happened before you acted and how other people were acting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the situations you describe, without you giving us very detailed examples, the most we can do here is offer some pointers for things for you to think about. Some of them might not be applicable, indeed it may be that none of them are, but if that’s the conclusion you come to you will at least have ruled those out, which is progress of a sort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, some thoughts on how to use your discretion in different circumstances:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Are the other people truly &lt;em&gt;looking&lt;/em&gt; for a solution?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are circumstances where people tell problems because they want answers; Stack Exchange is a great example of that, we are all here to try to help each other. There are other situations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sometimes people just want to vent their frustration and find that&#xA;being offered practical solutions gets in the way of that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sometimes a group of people are &lt;strong&gt;bonding&lt;/strong&gt; over a shared problem and&#xA;anyone offering a solution to the problem could be seen as both&#xA;setting them self apart from the group, &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; weakening the group&#xA;bonding.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sometimes a person complaining about a problem can genuinely think it&#xA;is insoluble and are telling the group that it is beyond &lt;em&gt;even their&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;great skill and problem solving capacity. A person offering a&#xA;solution in that situation might be thought of as trying to belittle&#xA;the person with the problem, or to be bragging to make them &lt;em&gt;self&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;look superior.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find that you can’t spot these situations just from the way the person is talking about the problem; watch and listen to how other people are reacting.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are they commiserating with the person with the problem?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are they agreeing how annoying the problem is?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are they just nodding along and letting the person with the problem&#xA;hold the floor?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any of these cases, &lt;em&gt;and while you are learning how to use discernment&lt;/em&gt;, consider not offering a solution unless other people begin to. That way you can observe the exchanges and see if there is a way your behaviour is out of step with your colleagues/friends etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE&lt;/strong&gt;: You do not have to behave the same way as other people, but if you want to understand the reactions you are getting, it will pay to observe how they behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Are your proposed solutions &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you know enough about the subject or the problem to be confident that your answer is actually effective? Do you give an appropriate amount of detail? Perhaps you give too little info to be helpful or so much detail that you kill the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is another instance where the Stack Exchange model is a useful thing to consider. When people offer answers here, all the members of the site can vote on it. The answers which get a lot of votes gain reputation points for their authors, which in turns allows them access to site features which are reserved for ‘trusted users’. People who post answers which members &lt;em&gt;don’t&lt;/em&gt; think are good may find individual answers get deleted or that their account is blocked from answering questions. They don’t earn reputation points or get access to trusted user features. This seems like it &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; be a parallel of what you are experiencing…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously I can’t tell you if the solutions you offer to people are good, it might even that they would be good solutions for a person of &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; abilities and skill, but not a good solution for the person who is struggling. &#xA;Possibly the only way you are going to find out if this is part of the problem is to ask somebody. So if there is someone you can approach in whichever group you sense this feedback in, consider asking them, in a one to one situation, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I ask your advice? I’ve always thought I was offering people&#xA;  helpful solutions, but I’m beginning to wonder if solutions that would&#xA;  work for me aren’t always good for other people. Sometimes I get the&#xA;  impression that people wish I hadn’t chipped in a solution, what do&#xA;  you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, tailor comments to suit your own situation and personality, but try to mention these four things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that your intentions in offering solutions are good&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that you can see that your solutions aren’t well received&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that you are trying to work out why&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that you are open to advice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;strong&gt;listen&lt;/strong&gt; to what they tell you. You don’t have to agree, but don’t tell them they are wrong. You have asked what they think, so accept in and if you think you disagree… tuck that thought away and think about it some more later. Think about it while you are holding back and watching how others react and if you still don’t agree, well that’s okay, maybe try asking another person and see if they think the same. But be aware, people don’t always come up with good or perfectly worded answers when asked something without warning, so be kind to both yourself and the person you ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In reality, the issue might not be any of these things, or it might be a combination of them. You shouldn’t feel bad for wanting to offer solutions to people. But if you are getting negative feedback, stepping back from offering solutions while you watch and consider how others are respond in the same situation, and how they might be perceiving your input is likely to be useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In light of the examples you have added I wanted to add a couple of thoughts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The examples are very varied and I wonder if you are interpreting a whole range of reactions as verification of one phenomenon in a kind of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;confirmation bias&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Confirmation bias ... is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms one's preexisting beliefs or hypotheses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;when in fact a whole bunch of different things are going on. &#xA;For example, with your female colleague: as you have presented things, you weren’t offering a solution but asking a about medical consultation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the quiz you answered quiz questions ahead of your colleagues, which isn’t about you offering ‘solutions’, but it &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be about team tactics or competing egos...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you supplied the missing word in a meeting you could guess things about others from their body language... is there anything they might be ‘guessing’ (rightly or wrongly) from &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; body language?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So perhaps consider, in some of the situations where you feel you offered a solution and were rebuffed, whether other things were actually happening. Perhaps people didn’t think you were offering solutions so much as criticising what they had done so far, hogging the limelight or looking down on them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOTE: I’m not saying they would necessarily be correct if those were their thoughts, but trying to see things through others’ eyes may help you untangle and reduce these reactions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-03-12T21:55:47.260" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T21:55:47.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11690" CreationDate="2018-03-12T15:40:14.860" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll assume she's not paying you a rent and even though theoritically you don't owe her anything, I understand it's difficult to tell your friend who's been living with you for quite a long time that you'd like her to find a new place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is she single?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's in a relationship or have recently been for a bit, I think she'd understand that you need some privacy with your SO. Plus you're engaged with her, so it's a strong clue about your plans for the future. Maybe you could approach it this way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey name_of_friend, we're happy we helped you in these times during it was difficult for you to find a place to live. I'd like you to know that you're a true friend for us. However, Alice (your SO) and I have been used to live together, like &lt;em&gt;just the two of us&lt;/em&gt;, and I have to admit that we both miss our privacy. We love to see you on a regular basis and we also believe you'd love to have a place of your own as well. &lt;strong&gt;Maybe we can help you find it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is this a good approach IMO:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You make it clear you're not questioning your friendship, and that the matter is truly about your intimacy with Alice. As said before, if she'd any love experience quite recently it'd be easier for her to understand. But she needs to be sure that you're not asking her to leave &lt;em&gt;because of her&lt;/em&gt;. Maybe raising the topic of your engagement/plans for the future would help, if you have any?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Offering your help to find a new place would make her confident that you're still friends and that you're not mad at her. Morevoer, stating that you'll continue to see each other regularly (of course not that often as currently, but at a pace that suit you all) will reassure her about your friendship as well.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T15:40:14.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11682" CreationDate="2018-03-12T16:08:05.153" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;(I'm answering as if I'm addressing your girlfriend directly.)  This is a difficult situation.  Not only can the parents claim that they were very generous, and now have the right to get something back, but they can also claim they've deferred their own wants for which their turn has finally come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps they still feel they have the right to &quot;manage the family finances&quot; -- give all (or most of) the money to them, and they will pay for everyone's needs, based on &lt;em&gt;their own&lt;/em&gt; perception of which ones have priority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it sucks, studying for years, finally getting a good job with a real salary, but still not getting to spend it as you like.  You want to allocate your funds without answering to anyone, one of the &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; rites of passage, and that's being delayed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you letting them take what they want, then trying to figure out how to make ends meet with the remainder?  Bad approach.  Better would be to buy what you need first, then when they come with hand out, let them grab the remainder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not suggesting you go nuclear on this -- start small with something like a new briefcase or bicycle, then work you way up.  But let them know the leftovers are for them, not you; and never cut back on reasonable expenses just because they got to the cash first.  The only justification you require is that you needed it.  May I suggest automatic payments?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this reminds me of the old laws that allowed a parent to show up at the workplace, get Junior's paycheck, and walk off with it before anybody knew what was happening.  The company would just take the attitude that you've been paid already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I was growing up, I had a series of part-time jobs that paid me a little money.  My folks never asked for any of it; but I was now responsible for funding small wants like new records.  Even though it was more or less a wash, financially, I had the delight of walking into the store and making my purchase without consulting anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any money your parents have gotten should be treated as a gift -- as in never expect to get any of it back.  But maybe they'll take care of you if you have a sudden, major, expense such as being hospitalized.  This alone can make it worth it; but I'd still work on separating my finances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strike&gt;You don't give any location or ethnic-group information,&lt;/strike&gt; but some cultures believe very strongly in the father continuing to be in charge until the day he dies.  Or perhaps, in the case of daughters, until they move from one family to another at marriage -- at which time they have a &lt;em&gt;NEW&lt;/em&gt; set of authority figures to answer to.  &lt;strong&gt;I just saw the Italy tag&lt;/strong&gt; which explains a lot.  This is the &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; culture that I was thinking of when I wrote this paragraph.  From ancient Roman times, society was based on the idea that &lt;em&gt;everybody&lt;/em&gt; has to have &lt;em&gt;somebody&lt;/em&gt; to answer to -- and you finally get your turn when you become the oldest in the extended family (if you're a man, of course).  &amp;lt;--sarcastic&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastEditorUserId="5160" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T17:29:51.333" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T17:29:51.333" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11699" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11682" CreationDate="2018-03-12T16:11:32.770" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;We only have very indirect and incomplete information about the situation to go on. While we can provide advice, you can get far better advice from someone more knowledgeable about the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your girlfriend needs to ask Jhon and Barb for advice, and listen. They have have direct experience with the situation, the details, the personality quirks, the culture. And they have spent 10 years growing up since dealing with that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that won't work for some reason, there's the catch-all fallback advice when you fall out with your parents after becoming an adult: Move out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T16:11:32.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11700" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11763" CreationDate="2018-03-12T16:19:05.773" Score="6" ViewCount="1531" Body="&lt;p&gt;A group of my friends often play semi-long term strategy video games together online. These games often span several play sessions a couple of times a week over a few months. Recently, one of my friends, George, commonly involved in this game has taken on a new aspect of his life that makes it very difficult for him to play consistently. We often desire to play, but since George's schedule is very firm/not accommodating, it's very rare that we get to play anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a group, we've decided that we'd like to start a new game together and would like to tell George.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, my friends are very non-confrontational and have trouble telling him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally in this situation I would take it upon myself to tell George on my own. However, due to the specifics of the dynamics of this friend group, I'm not in the best position to deliver this news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convince my friends that they need to assist me in telling George that we'll be continuing without him if they want him to be informed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried to take initiative and let him know that we'd like to start a new game, but none of my friends backed me up on my &quot;claim&quot; to which he just assumed that I was just joking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm specifically looking for language/reasoning to effectively communicate to my non-confrontational friends that in order to achieve what they want they need to be somewhat confrontational and communicate as a group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Additional clarififcation&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our group finds large amounts of time between play sessions to be extremely detrimental to our play experience, which is why we do not wish to continue the current game with George. To put it in perspective, a full playthrough of the game we play would normally take roughly two months. However, if we continued the game at the rate that George is able to participate it would take more than &lt;strong&gt;a year&lt;/strong&gt; to complete which is unreasonable to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T13:45:40.407" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T21:56:49.607" Title="How to convince friends to assist me in telling a friend that we will be continuing with a group activity without him?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11690" CreationDate="2018-03-12T16:58:40.520" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;Things like this can be pretty easy, in my experience, if you just tell them what you told us:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Joe, this is pretty awkward for us, but we found out that we just need more private time. And it is so embarassing for all of us to ask you to leave the room when we [insert favourite pastime here]. We asked you to stay with us, and would otherwise still love to have you around, but we found that we really need more time for each other. The next school break is a good point in time to do this...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something like that, in a tone and with words that seem practical to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She did nothing wrong, you did nothing wrong; there is no need to beat around the bush. Making it direct is my usual choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit: the comments gave rise to a few changed wordings, but note that the quote I gave up there is obviously not to be taken absolutely literally; but to show you a general mindset. There are more deliberations in the comments, if you wish to check them out, but the important thing is to have a firm end result in your head before you start &quot;the talk&quot;, and don't view it as a discussion, but as stating a fact.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T15:52:45.637" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T15:52:45.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11704" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-12T17:15:23.800" Score="5" ViewCount="791" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my colleagues is quite a volatile person. While they never usually mean harm, it can quickly end up in a heated argument with others over something very minor as a result. Typically such instances are rare. However I can usually notice these coming as their key &quot;starting point&quot; is when someone disagrees with him over something, when he believes he is right. It's also worth noting that as a team we argue extremely rarely. We all get along well. Hence I am fond of most of the people I work with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If an argument with him does occur, it typically becomes very abusive. He often swears excessively, or is overly harsh on the other person. He also appears to exert the aura that &lt;strong&gt;he&lt;/strong&gt; is right, and there is no discussion to be had.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically, being the shy person I am, I just try to ignore it and get on with work. However, I am fond of the people I work with, and I don't want anyone to be hurt or offended in the argument. I also do not want either of them to get punished by our superiors for arguing in the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The workplace environment is such that interaction between colleagues (and myself) are easy and common (and happen many times a day). Due to the nature of the place, if I tried hard enough, I could probably keep my head down and avoid the argument until it has all blown over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is &lt;strong&gt;would there be any way to interject an argument about to happen (to prevent it happening or being so heated), without causing offence to either of the people involved, or getting involved in the argument myself?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that while an idea to take the argument &lt;em&gt;outside&lt;/em&gt; the workplace would also be possible, I would rather something that would avoid it completely to prevent one of the people involved getting hurt of offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T14:01:32.133" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T16:29:27.703" Title="How to resolve an argument about to occur in the workplace?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11704" CreationDate="2018-03-12T19:12:20.900" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would there be any way to interject an argument about to happen (to prevent it happening, or preventing it being so heated), without causing offence to either of the people involved, or getting involved in the argument myself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's not much you can do to avoid fierce arguments without stepping in yourself. This doesn't mean you have to get involved in the argument itself, but you'll have to step in when it's about to happen. This does mean that as a unwanted consequence, you might remain involved if you're unable to de-escalate the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try some &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Use-De-Escalation-Skills&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;de-escalation&lt;/a&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://vividlearningsystems.com/safety-toolbox/conflict-de-escalation-techniques&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;techniques&lt;/a&gt;. Although they often are used after the argument already happened, I noticed they work preventing them with a colleague of mine that can sometimes have serious outbursts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a first step, before you try to help, make sure you yourself are calm.&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://vividlearningsystems.com/safety-toolbox/conflict-de-escalation-techniques&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt; If you add your own frustration about the situation to an already tense environment, you're not going to be able to help anyone, only make it worse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, try to look as non-threatening as possible.&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://vividlearningsystems.com/safety-toolbox/conflict-de-escalation-techniques&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;2&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt; Your body language, in this case, will communicate much more than what you say.&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Use-De-Escalation-Skills&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;3&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt; Since you're trying to avoid an argument though, make sure the language you use also can't be seen as offensive. Try to aim for using I-statements instead of You-statements for example.&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;4&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;. Keep your tone quiet, but your voice firm, and listen to your coworker's concerns. &lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Use-De-Escalation-Skills&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;5&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://vividlearningsystems.com/safety-toolbox/conflict-de-escalation-techniques&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;6&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If an argument with him does occur, it typically becomes very abusive, often swearing excessively, or being overly harsh on the other person. He also appears to exert the aura that he is right, and there is no discussion to be had.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds very, very familiar. Sometimes, it might be best to drop the topic in the heat of the moment, and come back to it later. Bring it up on your own terms, instead of when your co-worker is already very angry. If the above failed to de-escalate things before they happened, shift the conversation to the future. Make sure to use words like 'what' and 'we' to help your co-worker feel included in those plans.&lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://vividlearningsystems.com/safety-toolbox/conflict-de-escalation-techniques&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;7&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T19:12:20.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11704" CreationDate="2018-03-12T19:38:38.060" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's not a good way to resolve this, but there are some good conflict avoidance strategies.  The question here is: what is your end goal?  Do you merely want to avoid conflict?  Do you hope to have these arguments stop happening?  Also, when people get overly emotional, offending is hard to avoid.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, when someone gets abusive, the key point is to stay on topic.  Abusive people will try to shift discussion from the idea to the person.  &quot;You want to install Flummbuster?  That's idiotic!  Anyone with half a brain knows that Flummbuster isn't right for the task!  You just must be in their pocket!&quot;  See how that puts you in the position defending how you have half a brain and aren't in their pocket?  It doesn't discuss the merits for Flummbuster at all.  Stay on topic and don't let the bully derail the discussion into a field of their choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are certain personality types that believe they are always right, no matter what.  Challenging them on that core belief can lead to all kinds of unpleasant consequences, and isn't really your job.  Again, stay calm and stick to the topic at hand.  &quot;Whether you think the idea is idiotic or not, the issue is that it solves this problem.  What other option to you have that will do it in a more efficient fashion with less effort on our part?  I want to discuss ideas, not people.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, you have a workplace bully on your hands.  Bullies thrive on intimidation and getting their way, so it's up to you to not give them the validation that they need.  Bullies like confrontation that can resolve in the way that they like, so it's up to you do not escalate the situation into yelling or swearing.  I'd suggest engaging with your peers and gaining their agreement.  The next time that this person starts yelling, swearing, or otherwise engaging in unacceptable behavior, all of you should maintain a united front.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, Terry, our team doesn't speak to each other that way.  I'd love to discuss this with you when things are calmer.&quot; and leave it at that and end the discussion.  Then re-convene in half an hour or an hour when tempers are cooler.  Stay on topic and don't give ground but set the expectation that you'll keep meeting later on when heads are cooler.  Eventually he'll get worn down with the constant re-convening meetings when he's the source of stopping.  But you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to come back to it, otherwise he succeeds in shutting down discussion.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll include one non-IPS skill as well: talk to your manager.  This is a hostile workplace environment.  He's getting his way by intimidating others, and that is not acceptable in the US corporate culture.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-12T19:38:38.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11714" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-13T01:38:28.430" Score="5" ViewCount="887" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am part of a group of software developers who work remotely in different parts of the world. Some of us work in the U.S. and some in 3 other countries. The colleagues that work outside of USA are long-term contractors hired through external consulting firms while we in the U.S. are permanent employees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are not a lot of purely social interaction between our teams, or at least not between me and the rest of the teams, simply because I typically prefer to focus on my work as much as I can and it tends to keep me quite busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our social interaction is generally limited to a short daily scrum call (about 10-15 min) and occasional IMs regarding work-related questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not find this level of social interaction to be a problem however, as I feel that when we do talk with each other the conversations have always been very friendly. Also as I have somewhat more experience than many of my colleagues, I try to help when they have problems or questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two weeks ago our line manager told us that they would hire additional people in our team through the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.launchcode.org/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;LaunchCode&lt;/a&gt; program; these would be individuals with little experience that would get trained to work in this field.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This annoucement led one of my colleagues who works in one of the foreign locations to later IM me about his concerns with the company. When he initially voiced his concern it was about things like &quot;what we should think about new younger people getting trained for this work&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But my problem is that it was not left with that. A week or so ago he asked me if I also felt that other team members had sounded concerned during our scrum call earlier that day. I couldn't share his sentiment about the team members voices so I ignored the question and directed the conversation to a related issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More recently he has started asking questions along the lines of whether I'm also feeling that the environment is very terse or if I have noticed that some people seem stressed out, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that some of his concerns could be warranted because the team at his location has recently been reduced from the original 4 to just him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in my case, I have not noticed any unusual stress or terseness on part of our team or the management. I am also not his manager so I am sort of the wrong person to involve in these kinds of concerns. Unless maybe he is looking for an ally or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do feel a bit awkward to completely ignore his IMs, so I thought I ask here about other approaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I politely repel negative suggestive comments about the work morale or atmosphere?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13366" LastEditorUserId="13366" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T01:44:57.553" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T18:55:00.770" Title="How to politely repel negative suggestive comments about the work morale or atmosphere?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11714" CreationDate="2018-03-13T01:54:33.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I don't wish to discuss this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it simple and don't explain yourself.  This isn't something that should be up for discussion - doing so could land you in an awkward situation and possibly even negatively affect your career trajectory within this company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your colleague wants you to talk crap about the company, which would be documented on internal IMs and emails - don't take the bait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T01:54:33.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11690" CreationDate="2018-03-13T03:07:28.273" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Announce that you two are expecting! And therefore would need the room for the baby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nah, I'm kidding, mostly, but really, I've dealt with a lot of roommates over the years, some horrid, some perfect. In this situation, since you care about your roommates' well-being, I'd suggest doing some prep work before mentioning it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask around to friends that might be looking for a roommate, see if they would be flexible regarding late payments. Be candid with any concerns, but also be sure to mention how the roommate has been pleasant to live with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If no friends have space, try looking through housing adverts, see if you can find something that could potentially fit their budget.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get a line on boxes, find where you can acquire some when the time comes. See if you have any friends with trucks that would be willing to help them move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this bit taken care of, you will be able to soften the blow by saying that you have taken it upon yourselves to try and find someone nice for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start by mentioning that you weren't expecting them to stay as long as they have, and that you would like to have your home to yourself again. Just be open and let them know what you are feeling and whether or not you are flexible on their move out date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you guys are respectful of one another, so I'd expect that you will be able to handle this without much of an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14177" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T03:07:28.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11685" CreationDate="2018-03-13T06:39:35.713" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are many kinds of people. Some of them are very quick at voicing opinions/answers/ asking questions in a group scenario while a few others respond only when they are specifically asked. Rest of us maintain a middle ground. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure about other cultures but here, in India, it's common to hear total silence when the trainer says 'Any questions ???'after a training/meeting. Most of us don't even say 'No'. However, there might be this one person who is always asking questions and pitching in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In office scenarios, people tend to dub these folks as some sort of 'know-alls'. Once they have that label, it's common to see others rolling their eyes/make annoyed gestures whenever this person speaks up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't mean that people don't like this person, it's just that this person is different from most of others in the group so it's a shared way of saying 'Oh,there he/she goes again'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me touch upon your scenarios&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Long faces may be just because everyone is bored of same person answering again and again. There's nothing you can do to prevent it other than, maybe raise hands instead of blurting out the answer. This can give others an opportunity to voice their answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Wait for him to recollect the word, he wouldn't really think forever. Have a little more patience or if you need to help him out, do it in a polite manner while looking at him - 'Is it  ?'. When you are finishing someone's sentences, they have to feel you are helping them out and not taking over their speech by addressing others&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3)  She's clearly not looking for a solution. People who tell you their problems are just looking to unburden themselves of their worries/guilt and just need your empathy. Even if you want to give a solution, wait till she finishes her whole discussion and then say 'Can I suggest this , did yo visit a doctor ?'. From her reaction, it looks like she started telling you something and you interrupted her with a sudden idea. Maybe she's just embarrassed at having discussed personal stuff with you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can now do is to learn from others. Develop a little more patience. Understand that it's not necessary that all your opinions/solutions have to be voiced out. Remain silent and slow down a bit when in a group and wait for others to give their opinions and then you tell yours. If someone is still mocking you, stay away from that person, do you really need them to be a friend ? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In 1-1 cases, please wait for the other person to finish saying their piece before you start advising and always show empathy in words and actions if you want to be considered a good listener.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that this is only with regards to soft skills. If you are working on some office project and you have the solution, you can still always give it without waiting for everyone else to waste time on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T06:39:35.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11719" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11685" CreationDate="2018-03-13T06:49:45.307" Score="3" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Changing opinion style&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not only &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; to give a solution. It's also about &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; to give as solution.&#xA;Also, a work environment is different from an out-of-work environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're staying with the same company. Apologize for your behavior, or if you feel uncomfortable with that, at least let your co-workers know that you will change your behavior. Otherwise, the bullying or ignoring is likely to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;When to give an opinion?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably best to wait till people ask for your opinion. No one likes a person who always has an opinion on seemingly everything. You should let people use your knowledge and skills when it is useful for them, otherwise you're simply treading on their ego.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to give an opinion?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, let's show how to wrap an answer. Overall you want to start positive, then talk about what can be &lt;em&gt;improved&lt;/em&gt;, then end positive again which is usually the expected positive outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You first start with something positive. This means apprehending the difficulty of the situation (i.e. external factors) as well as affirming the capacities and skills (i.e. internal factors) of your conversation partners. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That's quite a technical problem we have. I believe the idea John had is valuable. It gave me an idea. What do you think if we...?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice that I use the &quot;we&quot; form. This gives a feeling of being on the &lt;em&gt;in-group&lt;/em&gt;. Using in-group lingo also strengthens the in-group feeling. You mentioned someone, let's call him John, forgot the word for a technical term. This would have a been great opportunity to share your knowledge, or better yet ask John to explain the term to the rest of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, in the example I affirmed John's idea to be valuable. This will make it easier for John to accept my ideas as valuable input as well. Notice that I used the wording &quot;I believe&quot; indicating it is just my opinion, and not the absolute truth. This gives others the &lt;em&gt;opportunity to disagree&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I used an &lt;em&gt;open question&lt;/em&gt; to communicate the idea. This makes it more difficult for people to answer with &quot;no&quot;, because it isn't a yes/no question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An important thing to notice is that I do not use a one word solution. People don't get this, and they even may find it weird. They might feel stupid for not understanding you. If you elaborate a little bit on what you mean while checking their comprehension, people might actually find your ideas valuable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More is more. A person's short-term memory is typically somewhere around 30 seconds. If you put information shorter than 30 seconds into people's short-term memory it can be easily disregarded. It is better to spread your idea over 3 or more memory-cycles. For example, give a solution and elaboration in 30 seconds, listen to fox x seconds, get back to your idea for 20 seconds, listen to other for x seconds, and finally focus on how solution leads to a positive outcome for 20 seconds. Then the solution you present is stored in intermediate memory systems. If it the idea is perceived valuable it is more likely to be stored in long-term memory. You might want to read about research on &lt;em&gt;persuasiveness&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;After thoughts&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not meant to be a full-blown analysis, but just a bit of a brainstorm of the possible core of the problem. The behaviors of your workmates are so typical I couldn't resist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;laugh at what I said&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Laughing is an emotional response as well as a social cue to ease awkwardness, pain, and stress. This doesn't mean people do not value your input, they just might not understand it. Best would be to laugh or smile, and maybe apologize for not explaining well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;stare..and ignore&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the second strategy to which people retort when they are uncomfortable with putting up with a situation. It is also often in this order of degree. So, you're really on the wrong foot with your workmates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;good general knowledge&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems to me, your workmates do not appreciate your input on that particular topic. I think they feel you're getting in their swimming water. They might feel threatened you're taking over their job, or rendering them invaluable. No one wants to feel invaluable, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Did you visit the gynaecologist?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not sure if this is appropriate question to ask. It's a closed question, putting your workmate on the spot. Furthermore, I think it's an intimate question that you would only ask an intimate friend. Although you intended to be concerned about her health, she might have perceived it as being nosy. I think what she was looking for was &lt;em&gt;social support&lt;/em&gt;. You should have said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I know right. Headaches and feeling you never want to leave your bed. PMS sucks.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to continue the conversation use an open question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So how do you manage to get through your period?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And to lighten up the conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Wouldn't it be great if we got a day off on our periods. I heard there is country where women get 3 days a month off. Was it Japan or Korea?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway chitchatting is also important skill to have on the workfloor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know my answer is a bit long, and it could have gotten longer, but it's a difficult problem. It is most likely not just your fault, or that of your workmates, but other factors such as stereotypes, company culture, and misunderstandings play a role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T06:49:45.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11700" CreationDate="2018-03-13T09:36:24.010" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe you shouldn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not your friends' parent. If they don't want to say anything to George it's their responsibility. You've told George. That was your decision. From what you've said it seems George is bound to find out anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand why your friends are hesitant to tell him. It's not nice to exclude a friend from a social activity. Trying to convince them to say to George that he is excluded from the team could make you look like the instigator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes not taking an action is the best course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T09:36:24.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11700" CreationDate="2018-03-13T10:54:02.697" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems your friends are not keen on taking part in that conversation, and no matter how you construct your words, you can not really force them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there might be some middle ground you can reach. Since your friend is very busy lately, it might be an option for the very active people to start a secondary game. When your friend is available, continue on the primary game save.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When not, use the secondary game save.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do this myself, since I have this issue often. And it works really well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;EDIT&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said before, I do no believe there is a way to convince your friends into this. You could be blunt and matter of factly, but I don't think they will change their opinion, regardless of how you ask it of them. Being persistent may help though, but at the risk of being a nuisance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not know why you are not the right person of bringing this, but if you chat/ voice chat as a group often, I would try bringing it up then. I am sure your friend will understand it, since he can not be there to play the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternativly, you could just play the game and talk about it when he is able to hear/read it and let him connect one and two himself, although this might hurt his feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, there is no need for this to be a confrontation. There is no obligation from either side to have to play the game together. It was just easy so far, but now it is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply tell your friend that since he has so little time to spend on the game, you guys will be playing games without him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, is it an option for him to hot-join in progress games? Taking up the role of an AI player?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastEditorUserId="6191" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T14:01:30.993" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T14:01:30.993" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11700" CreationDate="2018-03-13T11:23:40.763" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're talking about &quot;banning&quot; a friend from your group just because he has another hobby he likes. You might lose him as a friend if you continue on that path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, why not organize the new game when he is not available, and play something everyone enjoys when he is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: after comment: I don't necessarily suggest you to continue the old savegame when he is there, since I can also imagine it would be too slow or infrequent but just play something else everybody enjoys. That way you can exclude him from the game you and the others will play, without making him feel excluded from the group. I suggest breaking the news in this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3535" LastEditorUserId="3535" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T14:23:46.360" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T14:23:46.360" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11714" CreationDate="2018-03-13T11:24:26.400" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;some of his concerns could be warranted because the team at his location has recently been reduced from the original 4 to just him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It wouldn't be surprising if he was simply worried about the company replacing him with cheaper labor on LaunchCode, and trying to get you to confirm or deny it without actually asking the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know the company's intent on this, you could just tell him. If the company has no intention of letting him go, this should calm his stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T11:24:26.400" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11726" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11769" CreationDate="2018-03-13T12:04:16.767" Score="4" ViewCount="1615" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m 18 years old in grade 11 in a high school in Bucharest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of my classmates wanted to make photos and videos of me and I hate that. I tried to tell them “enough!!” but they don’t listen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Q-1:&lt;/strong&gt; How can I make my classmates to stop recording me, or ask my permission before they do this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I could know how to do this, because this thing is bugging me a lot being recorded without my permission just because they want to bother me. It’s simply not right to happen and not logic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today was a good example of this behavior: I have arrived to school and one of my classmates entered, put her stuff on her desk and then she sat on my table taking selfie and I caught her including also me selfies. I made clear signs for her to stop recording but no use, she then made a video of me and took several photos and I kept trying to tell her “stop, enough” but no use. I’m pretty sure she sent to someone my picture or video of me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reason:&lt;/strong&gt; In grade 7 I had a lot of problems for nothing with my classmates. One of them had a phone and filmed me, and put it on YouTube, and then I got very pissed off, because it’s not right at all. Luckily, my best friend got the video removed completely from YouTube.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m trying to find solutions to make others in my class to ask my permission before they do something and not only them but also the strangers. I have tried to say “stop doing this” but still, is no use. It is like I’m speaking to a wall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13918" LastEditorUserId="13918" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T23:40:08.540" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T12:48:58.937" Title="What can I do when classmates don’t stop recording me after I ask them to stop?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11727" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11728" CreationDate="2018-03-13T12:20:41.017" Score="70" ViewCount="15392" Body="&lt;p&gt;Content warning: Self-harm&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to some issues I had a few years ago with self harming (related to mental health issues which I no longer have - hurrah!), I'm left with a lot of awkward scars on my forearm. They're visible whenever I'm not wearing long sleeves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind my scars being visible. They often are, in my day to day life. I also don't mind talking about them, but it's a discussion I prefer to have in an appropriate environment, on a one-to-one basis. There are various obvious reasons for that. People rarely ask about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there has been more than one occasion where, in a big group setting, somebody has been particularly vocal about them. Recently, at a party, somebody loudly asked &quot;What are those marks on your forearm?&quot;, before turning a deep shade of red and looking mortified. The room promptly went silent, I made some sort of awkward joke, and conversations resumed again. It was awkward, to say the least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't blame people for asking at all, and I accept that it's a possibility in these situations if I'm not going to commit to wearing long sleeves to every party I ever go to. I do accept that this is a solution to the problem, but it's not one that I want to abide by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a good way to deal with a scenario like the above, should it arise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for a way to ease the tension, and also make it clear that I don't think the person who's asked the question has done anything wrong. Ideally, I'd like the outcome to change. Last time this happened, I made some sort of odd joke (which didn't really make sense), and then one of my more confident friends loudly resumed his conversation and things carried on. What I'm hoping for is a way to quickly answer the question without coming off as upset or embarrassed, and without looking like I'm upset/annoyed with the person who asked the question initially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14186" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T18:47:52.810" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T14:27:17.227" Title="How to politely deflect questions about awkward scars?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11727" CreationDate="2018-03-13T13:06:54.713" Score="85" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, at a party, somebody loudly asked &amp;quot;What are those marks on your forearm?&amp;quot;, before turning a deep shade of red and looking mortified. The room promptly went silent, I made some sort of awkward joke, and conversations resumed again. It was awkward, to say the least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes that surely was awkward. In such situations I like to deflect the question with humor, just like you did. You say you made an awkward joke and the conversations resumed again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Important fact about that scenario: &lt;em&gt;the conversations resumed&lt;/em&gt;. The awkwardness came from the fact that Bob (the one who asked you that question) asked you such a personal question in a public setting, and not from you deflecting it. In fact it was awkward way before you even got the chance to deal with the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, people are decent enough to realize that a question like Bob's is inappropriate and an honest answer is not needed. Deflecting that question with any kind of humor is perfectly fine and may even help swinging the mood back from awkward to funny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again: it's not your fault that the situation got awkward; it is Bob's fault. Deflecting the Q with humor helps to eliminate the awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what I'm saying is this: you did fine! I think you could even reduce a bit of the awkwardness by preparing a humorous deflection beforehand. This way, you have a witty response immediately at hand, and you don't seem embarrassed, ashamed, upset, or annoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are two examples of a humorous response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob: &amp;quot;What are those marks on your forearm?&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You: &amp;quot;I'm trying to drink less, so I'm counting my drinks tonight.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob: &amp;quot;What are those marks on your forearm?&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You: &amp;quot;I was a tiger in a past life, the stripes just came with&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;the second example was suggested by @Anoplexian. They state that this response will make Bob feel inappropriate for asking. I disagree; I think because it is so funny, it removes the awkward tension in the room and lets Bob off the hook (Bob just asked a very inappropriate question). Also, Bob is &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; embarrassed for asking that!&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T15:08:10.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11727" CreationDate="2018-03-13T13:07:05.997" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This can be a tough situation, and it is your personal matter. You can choose what to reveal or not to reveal anything at all. So it is best to deflect questions about self-harm with a polite response that you don't want to talk about it and change the topic immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, it was fine that you deflected the question with a joke and try to do the same, but still you can try something like following if you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your response could be like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's a long story, and now might not be a good time to tell. Did you read that [insert book name] (or did you hear about [can be any news or anything])&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd appreciate it if we don't talk about that. [change the topic here]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they accept what you said, then it's good. Though, as @avazula said, this might lead to an awkward silence, or people might end up pitying you, but declination and the change of topic will divert the conversation, so that won't happen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this approach might not work with the people who still want to know and are insisting you to tell. In that case, tell a brief story about it. Don't go into the details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It happened when I was upset (or depressed), but I am doing a lot better now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to change the subject after that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T13:00:32.970" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T13:00:32.970" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11730" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11750" CreationDate="2018-03-13T13:09:23.000" Score="22" ViewCount="7737" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My fiancée and I recently got engaged and we've started talking about weddings. She's from Michigan and I'm from Georgia. Our families still live in those respective areas, but we met and currently live in the DC area. The problem lies in actually figuring out where we want to have the wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has always had a grand vision of getting married in Michigan that I only recently found out about after getting engaged. It includes getting ready at her parents house, getting married at her childhood church, and have her entire extended family in Michigan come, among other things. Her mom is also very particular for what she wants for our wedding because it's her only daughter. While my fiancée doesn't know some of the bigger decisions (where the reception will be, how many people, etc.), she already knows a florist, a caterer for one night of the wedding, where she'd get her wedding dress, that she wants to get married in her childhood church, and a few other odds and ends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I don't have a preference on the specifics of the wedding currently (flowers, what kind of cake, type of ceremony, etc.), I would like for us to get married in the DC area because that's where we live, where are mutual friends are, and where we've started our life together. I also have little connection to Michigan other than she is from there and her family lives there. I know DC will be much more expensive, but my worry is if we do it in Michigan, she and her mom will make the decisions (which is the same worry her mom has about us if we do the wedding in DC). I have this fear mostly because her mom is a very strong willed person and my fiancée has a really hard time saying no to her mom for a variety of reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I approach discussing a compromise on our wedding location?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Some answers to common FAQs&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Who is paying for the wedding?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My fiancée and I want to pay for most of it ourselves, however both sets of parents have agreed to help&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you have a budget worked out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. We have a rough estimate of how many people we want to invite and about how much that will cost per person&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would the guest list change if it were in one place over another?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not that I'm aware of, but we haven't ironed out a specific number of people who we would invite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3133" LastEditorUserId="3133" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T14:44:07.827" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T21:23:31.730" Title="What is the best way to begin a discussion around a compromise for our wedding location with my fiancée?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11727" CreationDate="2018-03-13T13:23:46.310" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd challenge one premise here: asking loudly in a group &quot;what's with your arms?&quot; is a poor social skill.  That question should be asked quietly, in a one-on-one situation where you can answer in a way that you deem appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But your question isn't about teaching some boor better social skills, it's about how you respond to it.  I assume that you don't want to give your life's story in that situation.  I know I wouldn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your basic assumption - that humor will ease tension - is correct. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest saying &quot;It's a long story&quot; and acting like you're bored talking about it.  That won't make others uncomfortable and shows that you don't care to respond right now.  Otherwise, making a joke about it is also an appropriate response - something like &quot;Shh!  The lizardmen will hear you&quot; or &quot;It was a weird night in Tijuana - never again will I buy cheap tequila&quot; or &quot;That 'learn plastic surgery at home' kit was not worth $10.99&quot; or something similarly absurd will most likely break the chain of thought going on.  I'd suggest having a couple of responses so it's not always the same.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do appreciate your approach to this - it's obvious you don't want to embarrass anyone while still deflecting.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T13:23:46.310" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11730" CreationDate="2018-03-13T14:06:49.863" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is traditional for a wedding to take place in a bride's hometown. But times are changing. Communication has made the world a smaller place, more people get together from further apart, and for one thing it is impractical to expect half the guests to make a 1000+mile journey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously it is IMPOSSIBLE to give your fiancé everything she wants AND get what you want as well. This is crossing over into life advice, but while your wedding is just one day it involves months of planning and is likely the biggest project a couple will have embarked on to date. But married life will bring more huge projects, and how you plan your wedding is sort of a template for things to come. You will have to learn to make compromises and be yielding to one another in marriage, so it would be good if you could both do that when planning your wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than present the subject as your ideas versus hers, think about the practicalities of your decisions and how they will impact on &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; involved in the wedding, including the guests. Hopefully your wife to be IS practical and won't think that this is a romance killer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big thing about the distance will be: can all your guests afford to travel to your chosen location?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you get married in Michigan, your friends from DC will have to travel 500+ miles, and your family from Georgia will have to travel 1000+ miles. Her family won't have to travel at all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you get married in DC your friends won't have to travel. Both your families will have to travel 500+ miles.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By getting married in DC you are making more people travel, but the cost and effort is shared. More people may be able to attend. If you point this out in discussion, she may agree that it is a fairer and better option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the matter of the potentially higher costs of marrying in DC - you didn't say who was paying for the wedding, but as you are both living away from your original homes I'm going to assume that you both already live alone, or together, which raises the subject of wedding gifts. Traditionally, wedding gifts were things that you needed for your new home together, but if you are already living independently I imagine you already have plenty of towels and cutlery and don't need people to give you things like this. It is becoming increasingly common for wedding gifts to be contributions towards the wedding. This isn't for everyone, some people may find it crass to ask for money, but look online and there are more and more people doing this with suggestions on how to phrase your request. And when you think about it, is it really any less crass than sending a list of things you want buying for you? Whatever you choose in this regard, my point is this: wedding gifts are likely to be more generous if you haven't made people travel 1000+ miles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use this information as the basis for a discussion and listen to what your fiancé has to say. Again, this may only be a day, but the way you work together on this is going to set a standard for how you work together in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T14:06:49.863" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11730" CreationDate="2018-03-13T14:21:16.260" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Compromising is a skill. There's a lot of info on it, I personally am a fan of this tutorial on &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Compromise#Figuring_Out_Where_You_Stand_sub&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;wikihow&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, try and walk a mile in your spouse's shoes. Try and imagine her reasons for wanting the wedding in Michigan, then try and imagine how the day would be for her if the wedding were held in DC. Would there be a difference in the guest list? In the costs and thus how elaborate the wedding can be? You already know a lot of her arguments for and your arguments against a wedding in Michigan, so this should not be that hard. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're going to ask her about this, make sure you take the time to have a good conversation. Remove distractions, make sure you can pay her all the attention she deserves. Also, ask her open-ended questions, try and get her talking. The same goes for you too, talk. Even if she's not asking very open-ended questions, try and find a way to convey more info than just 'yes' or 'I disagree'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have this fear mostly because her mom is a very strong willed person and my fiancé has a really hard time saying no to her mom for a variety of reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think step &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Compromise#Figuring_Out_Where_You_Stand_sub&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;4&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Compromise#Figuring_Out_Where_You_Stand_sub&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;5&lt;/a&gt; from the first part of the WikiHow article can help you a lot: Be assertive. Communicate using I statements, it's okay to tell your wife that you're afraid of what might happen when your soon to be mother-in-law influences the wedding. That you're afraid she'll influence it in the first place. This is also a great time to make your non-negotiables clear. It might be easier for your spouse to say 'no' if she has agreed with you upon the non-negotiables. This is all to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Compromise#Figuring_Out_Where_You_Stand_sub&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;figure out where you stand&lt;/a&gt;, to get it very clear what you'll be compromising on and not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next step will be to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Compromise#Coming_Up_with_Solutions_sub&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;come up with solutions&lt;/a&gt;. What common ground do you both have? What are you willing to sacrifice for her, but what will she have to give up in exchange? Try and take turns on the offering of solutions, so that it won't be one person bashing the other's ideas all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Compromise#Making_the_Process_Smoother_sub&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;make the entire process as smooth as possible&lt;/a&gt;, stay focused on finding a solution. Once you know where both of you stand, it does do no good to keep dwelling on the problem, instead, actively try and resolve it. Be respectful, if you're feeling like you're getting angry, try and control your anger or ask her to move the discussion to the future. Be realistic, and don't think of this as someone winning or losing. A successful compromise means you both will be happy in the end. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T14:21:16.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11727" CreationDate="2018-03-13T14:46:33.697" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would go like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh come on man, all the beautiful assets that I have, you found the least interesting one. How do you do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two things happened here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are deflecting their attention away from the scars and towards the nature of the question itself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are also passively expressing that you are not interested in discussing it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Well you are doing it again, let me tell you how a cat fell in love with my eyes&quot; (Or whatever random stuff that comes into your mind). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most guys would stop at this moment unless he really wants to pick you on for a brat war. This is in most case uncomfortable for everyone, someone likely starts on another topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are persistent, you can't do much other than to excuse yourself for a &quot;quick visit to the washroom&quot; or &quot;gonna take another drink, be right back&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8503" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T14:46:33.697" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11730" CreationDate="2018-03-13T15:31:57.033" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see just a problem here, once it's solved your life as a couple will be much better in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you have described, it looks like your mother in law will probably decide a lot of details regarding the wedding, since she will use the excuse that you are far away and she will be on location. Probably your soon to be wife will not have the strength to say no to her strong mother. &#xA;If you give her the freedom to do this, she will feel forever entitled to interfer to your life-couple decisions, all life long. This could ruin your relationship in the long term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take the decision by yourselves, without letting external people forcing you to do this or that. I know that it can look unfair to your in-laws, but you both as couple will benefit from this indipendence. Probably your wife will not like this view, because as you say she has difficulties in saying no, but I can guarantee (from personal experience) that it will be good for both of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also make this clear with the in-laws, telling them that you will let them know the decision later on, and they will be very welcome to help, but just once the decision is taken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10527" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T15:31:57.033" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11737" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11727" CreationDate="2018-03-13T16:12:42.397" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like others, I think you have been on the right track to use humour, and it is very generous-spirited of you to want to avoid making the person who asks feel awkward or as though they've committed a huge faux-pas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you have said that you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; mind talking about it, its just that the setting has to be appropriate, perhaps the thing to do is to communicate &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; in a short, matter of fact way. There are any number of shorthand methods you might find to do that, from the very straightforward:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, hit me up when I'm not in a crowd and I'll fill you in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which lets anyone else who can hear know that you don't mind talking to the person about it, only that the time isn't quite right. It even faintly suggests that most people know and you just don't want to bore them with hearing about it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to the slightly cryptic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Spoilers...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which in the UK at least would be very readily understood as a 'now isn't the time' kind of response, but might put more of the onus on you to seek them out later to explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T14:27:17.227" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T14:27:17.227" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11739" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-13T16:26:05.747" Score="140" ViewCount="34907" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a vegan, only for ethical reasons. It is something I'm very willing to discuss. I have deliberated about it very carefully, for a long time, and have read papers and text books on the philosophy of ethics on my spare time in order to help me get my bearing on this issue. So, I'm very happy to discuss the reasoning process that has led me to where I am, as long as the person is willing to engage in a careful one-on-one discussion that isn't emotionally charged or defensive, with the intent of truly hearing me out, and vice versa. I'm also happy to debate it in the same kind of manner. But I don't go around looking for that debate; I only have it if it's clear that the other person is willing and eager to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, that is not often the environment in which I'm asked about my eating habit. It's usually in a casual conversation, with others present, wherein typically a quick one sentence answer is desired. My answer is usually &amp;quot;ethical reasons&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I notice, often, people get defensive when I say this. They will try to justify their eating habits. Or they will make tongue-in-cheek comments like &amp;quot;you must think I'm awful for eating this burger, haha.&amp;quot; Some of them (in the case of family members) hold on to their opinions, but lash out at me at a later time. (This leads me to believe that others, who are not in my family but are saying nothing, also must resent me but just don't want to be confrontational.) From experience I have found that simply expressing that I'm vegan for ethical reasons prompts lashing out, resentment, and passive aggression, without me ever explicitly judging them. It gets exhausting, and it erodes my relationships. It makes it so that I now fear this question, and am now intentionally discreet about what I order at restaurants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand why the person asking the question might perceive that I'm implicitly judging them. After all, we can say, of things like a diet or artistic preference, that something is &amp;quot;just my preference, and it's okay if you think differently&amp;quot;. But that's not usually true of moral claims. If one firmly believes that something is a moral obligation, they believe it of a person regardless of whether or not that person believes it themselves. For example, we wouldn't accept it if a psychopath says &amp;quot;you feel it's wrong to kill, and I don't. That's just my preference.&amp;quot; Nor does anybody today think it was okay for people to own slaves in the past, simply because society treated it as an acceptable practice back then. (Note, I am &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; saying that these things are morally equivalent to eating meat. I'm simply using examples to illustrate the point that difference in moral code, unlike difference in taste in art, is not something that can be dismissed as &amp;quot;just a personal preference that we must accept&amp;quot;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I might want to fall back on &amp;quot;I didn't judge you in any way&amp;quot;. However, given the above paragraph, I can't escape the fact that there's a perceived intrinsic judgement I am making simply by justifying my eating preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that my position is very much in the minority. I still want to have a real social life, though. I have longstanding friends, and a family that I love. I don't want to alienate everybody because they think that I'm a sanctimonious asshole. But, at the same time, I don't want to compromise my ethics, or be dishonest about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have considered being dishonest, in response to the question, and saying something like &amp;quot;well, it's just something I'm trying&amp;quot;, or &amp;quot;I think this is the healthiest option&amp;quot;. (I actually don't think that being vegan is the healthiest option.) It is a compromise. I hate being dishonest, but I also hate eroding my relationships. However, if possible, I want to avoid being dishonest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I answer the question &amp;quot;why are you vegan?&amp;quot; honestly, without making people resent me?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm a Canadian, from Toronto.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm usually asked about my veganism during mealtimes, or when jointly ordering food.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've never given a more thorough answer, but I do clarify when asked a question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Further clarifications:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me answer a couple of popular questions that seem to be coming up in answers and comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;Why are you vegan, more specifically?&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could write a lot on this, though I don't think my exact reasoning process is very relevant for this question. So I'll just say that it's primarily related to animal welfare, and secondarily related to the environment. Both of these fit under the umbrella of &amp;quot;ethical reasons&amp;quot;, which is a response that's simply meant to contrast it from the other popular reasons for being vegan. (Namely, health reasons, personal taste in food, or physical revulsion. None of these three apply to me.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;Are&lt;/em&gt; you judging them?&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way of asking this is, &amp;quot;do you think that they are worthy of moral judgement?&amp;quot; Well... to be perfectly honest, yes. I hate that this is the answer, because everybody I love does it. But I cannot find another answer that's consistent with my beliefs, no matter how much I want to do so. I usually don't express this. And, as a caveat, I think that those who understand the situation are more worthy of judgement than those who don't. Most people don't. I spent a long time eating meat while believing what I currently believe which, I think, makes me worse than most meat eaters. I don't mean for that to be condescending. It's not a matter of stupidity, but simply of what you happen to know and be exposed to. It's very likely that I am funding other immoral practices of which I'm ignorant, and for which I'm worthy of moral judgement. Nor do I expect anybody (including myself) to be perfect paragons of moral virtue. I understand that it's very hard to do so when it comes to a practice that might be morally wrong, but is considered by society to be entirely acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, while I don't want to be dishonest about &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; reason for being vegan, the question of whether they are worthy of moral judgement is something that I am willing to, and have been dishonest about (on the rare occasion that this actually comes up). Only because I know how socially volatile it could be to tell the truth in this case. (And I don't want to live up to my namesake on this site.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9919" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T11:51:07.430" Title="How do I answer the question &quot;why are you vegan?&quot; honestly, without making them resent me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="24" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="26" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T16:54:12.157" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is good that you distinguish &lt;em&gt;a careful one-on-one discussion&lt;/em&gt; and a &lt;em&gt;casual conversation&lt;/em&gt;, because your audience will be far less &lt;em&gt;willing to engage&lt;/em&gt; in the casual conversation. Also, you are less likely to determine what makes the person ask the question in the casual conversation. I will therefore stick to the casual conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use words that relate to you, not to others.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use words that are specific and do not imply judgement. Unfortunately &lt;em&gt;ethical&lt;/em&gt; does not belong to those.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use words that are detailed. Again, &lt;em&gt;ethical&lt;/em&gt; fails here because it very broad - it encompasses a lot, giving the other person not much space to not be &lt;em&gt;unethical&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you do not specify the exact reasons why you are vegan, I cannot be more specific at the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update your question and I will update my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10085" LastEditorDisplayName="user10085" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T20:48:22.943" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T20:48:22.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T17:02:10.073" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an only vegan in a company and often in a group I learned that there is no right answer and there is no reason to be dishonest. If someone resents you for your answer or choice of lifestyle, you are just not meant to agree or please everyone in every situation. I also posted a question here about being constantly teased about food at my workplace. My advice would be to answer their question without judgement as well as you can and just accept that some people may have different views. I learned to avoid conflict by not getting too vocal about it or defending my view in this topic because it never gets resolved. Some people are generally just curious and want to learn what lead you to your decision to be vegan. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are looking to meet like minded people who you can relate with, I ended up starting a local vegan meetup group and made a lot of great vegan friends and we often discuss this topic among us. I would also suggest finding yourself a social outlet or even join social media groups for people who can support your choice and not judge you for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8159" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T17:02:10.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T17:02:30.197" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;The safest way is to relate your reasons to you directly, instead of making them so-called &quot;global truths&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The treatment of animals in slaughterhouses is disgusting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;can be taken to non-vegans as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anyone who supports slaughterhouses by eating meat is disgusting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, saying &quot;&lt;em&gt;ethical reasons&lt;/em&gt;&quot; could potentially also imply to others that they are &lt;em&gt;unethical&lt;/em&gt; for not following a similar lifestyle (which is where you might be getting the justification responses).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, &lt;strong&gt;focus on making your point by keeping it scoped in on yourself&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's just a personal preference. I like the idea of eating whole-foods more than the idea of harvesting animals or their byproducts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This dials it down to being just about you.  &quot;I like A more than B&quot; is a structure that doesn't imply that anyone is wrong for still liking B, because you're just saying you prefer A so much more that you've chosen it as a lifestyle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T17:02:30.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T17:21:19.480" Score="147" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;ethical reasons&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; you are implying that you have made the right choice (morally correct choice). This has an inherent implication that every one else has made the &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt; choice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; believe you have made the right choice.  You're not trying to force that on other people. In fact, it appears that you are much more careful about that then most of us are on a day to day basis.  So how do you communicate the truth as you understand it, without making everyone else feel that you are implying that they have made the &quot;wrong&quot; decision? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Use humor.&lt;/strong&gt;  Be careful: you don't want to make the meat eater the butt of the joke, but rather make &lt;em&gt;yourself&lt;/em&gt; the butt of the joke.  Full disclaimer: I could not think of any jokes that fit this criteria. (But then, I'm not that funny of a guy.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be more specific.&lt;/strong&gt;  Focus your explanation on you, and keep it as short as you can.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Eating another animal's body parts feels gross to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't like the idea of an animal being killed for me to eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These two examples focus on &lt;em&gt;disgust&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;guilt&lt;/em&gt; which &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel.  While most people don't agree with your choice, they will be able to empathize with those feelings of disgust or guilt, which should (cross your fingers) help them connect with you rather than feel resentful toward you.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="18715" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T09:21:47.027" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T09:21:47.027" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11748" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11730" CreationDate="2018-03-13T17:42:22.073" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Who is paying for this wedding? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thespruce.com/who-pays-for-what-at-a-wedding-3489795&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;tradition in the USA is&lt;/a&gt; for the bride's family to pay for and plan the wedding, with the groom's family paying for the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rehearsal_dinner&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;rehearsal dinner&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If their family is paying for the wedding&lt;/strong&gt;, which again is traditional and it sounds like they are probably expecting to do, then in a very real sense they have all the cards here. While you might express a preference, &lt;strong&gt;it isn't up to you&lt;/strong&gt;. Your job as the groom is just to make it there at the appointed time with a ring and say what you are supposed to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, &lt;strong&gt;if the two of you are paying for it, then that's up to the two of you&lt;/strong&gt;. You can certainly listen to input from the families, but otherwise feel free to tell everyone else on both sides to get lost or pony up the cash to pay for it if they don't like the decision you are making.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd still council (as a guy who has now made it past his 25th anniversary) to &lt;strong&gt;try to let her win every argument possible here&lt;/strong&gt;. First off, weddings are a crazy amount of planning and stress, and you want as little of that pie as possible. Secondly, it pretty clear she's dreamed of this all her life, so I highly doubt you care nearly as much about it as she does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thirdly, don't &lt;em&gt;contribute&lt;/em&gt; to the stress any more than you have to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T01:30:51.157" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T01:30:51.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T17:47:15.200" Score="110" Body="&lt;p&gt;This seems to be a common problem that vegans and vegetarians experience, so it is worth thinking about why people ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;they actually care very much about your diet?   &lt;em&gt;Unlikely&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;they think you are weird and it will be fun to bait you?  &lt;em&gt;Sadly,&#xA;more likely&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;they have an economic interest, through employment, background or&#xA;investment in non-plant based foods? &lt;em&gt;not impossible&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it somehow came up in conversation and people are conditioned to&#xA;respond by expressing interest in the distinctive and defining things&#xA;we learn about other people, so they asked without ever really&#xA;caring?  &lt;em&gt;possibly the most likely&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They assume you want to tell them? &lt;em&gt;trying to be polite&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are considering making the same choice? &lt;em&gt;actively wanting to&#xA;know and share views&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not all of those might merit the same response and it is not a comprehensive list of every possibility. I shan’t try and address every one of them, but consider these as examples to demonstrate how it can be worth thinking about the motive force behind the question and how that affects your response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have already identified that people don’t react will to your current stock reply and people have explained in other answers how it can be viewed as a criticism of the person asking, but also it is a very conversationally ‘closed’ response. What sort of response &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; someone make to that? They feel they’ve been shut down, rebuffed and rebuked, what do they say next…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, perhaps a response which is more conversationally open and inviting of a response would be helpful. Have you ever tried asking &lt;em&gt;why &lt;strong&gt;they’re&lt;/strong&gt; asking&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, there’s different ways I could answer that, which might depend on why you are curious. What makes you ask?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That gives the other person something they can more safely react to which doesn’t necessarily feel like as much of a challenge, and eases you both into a two-way conversation.&#xA;If you really aren’t so keen to get into a conversation about your food choices in casual situations, then you may want to look for responses which are less likely to be read as confrontational, but that still don’t make it sound as if the subject is up for debate. Conversationally closed, but not confrontational. Perhaps something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Peace of mind mainly. After all who needs to lose sleep over their dinner, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That presents your choice as being about your comfort, while ending on a question which could go off in different conversational directions to diminish the closed nature of the first sentence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T16:41:32.887" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T16:41:32.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11750" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11730" CreationDate="2018-03-13T17:53:55.613" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to start a potentially conflict-creating talk is to agree on common goals and problems first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you don't start with a &quot;How about we get married in DC&quot;. You tell her it is about planning the wedding and start by asking what is most important for her in the ceremony. Then you share what is most important for you. The important thing here is not to get into the solutions already (&quot;I want it here in DC&quot;) but into the goals (&quot;I want that as many as possible of our current friends can attend&quot;) and also your fears, in a nonthreatening way (not &quot;In Michigan, your mother will decide everything without asking us&quot; - she will feel it necessary to defend her mother). Also listen very attentively to what is important to her, and rephrase it back to make sure you understood her, and also to have her see this is about understanding each other and not about one person overriding the other's ideas. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once this is sorted out, you can both try finding decisions which cover both people's list of desired goals. And you have to be open that this is something other than &quot;marrying in DC&quot; - if you go into the conversation with the attitude that you have the perfect solution and only have to make her agree to it, this will end up badly even if she agrees this time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3017" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T17:53:55.613" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11730" CreationDate="2018-03-13T18:01:50.383" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to suggest that you don't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, make sure your ok with laws regarding wedding and marriage in your target state, but aside from that let he have her way. You will be happier, and honestly it will make your married life a lot smoother if it starts with her getting her way, then a compromise where she isn't happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example lets say you compromise and have the wedding in Florida. If it rains, is to hot, too cold, the care isn't perfect, the dress has a small hole, she gets a pimple, he mom stubs her toe, it will be all your fault. Even if she doesn't express it as such, that will  always be the start. 10 years from now you will have a fight and she will bring up the fact that the wedding wasn't perfect because you just wouldn't get married in Michigan. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that out of the way however, you have two important problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You should already be able to discuss hard, and hurtful topics before you get married. What makes a marriage last isn't love, or stubbornness, or even mutual goals. It's straight up, the ability to communicate, even with that communication is difficult and uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are going to be battling &quot;her right&quot; as a bride. It's really her day. It's not yours. As you go through the process you will quickly discover that. Many vendors, providers, etc. won't even talk to you unless you make it a point. They will default to talking to her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when you reach out to her,  you need to make a logical and fact based argument for having your wedding where you want it. The only reason can't be because you want it. You should list the Pros and Cons (and be honest about it) for each location. You need to sell her on the idea of having it in your location so well that she thinks it's better then her location. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To help you could focus on&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Laws&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Travel Time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cost (careful here)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Size&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Venue&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ease of dealing with vendors (honestly this is huge)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ability to customize (i.e. if we do it here we can make our own candles)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The people that would be invited&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Weather and Time of Year &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Transportation for visitors.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't approach the situation as her giving up a location, but instead focus on selling your location.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you wanted to get married in Michigan, but that makes it very hard for my grandparents to travel. If we get married around here then my  family can attend too. Not to mention that we can see more venues and have a wider selection of places to choose from. Also dealing with the caterers, the bakers, the musicians, the photographers, the printers, the tailors, the dress makers, and the courts becomes much easier. I mean we can't even really get married in Michigan because were not residents (totally fake I don't know the laws there), and you have to take a 6 week class. So we would have to be married here, then have a fake ceremony there. (again totally don't know if that is the case)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would just feel that it's important to at least look at DC before we make the choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T18:01:50.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T19:14:32.733" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question often arises when people who are not very closely acquainted sit together to eat, and the reasons for it may vary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could give a specific but brief 'teaser' such as :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was convinced by the arguments of Animal Right Activists/&#xA;  Studies on the negative impact of the Meat Industry on the environment / any other option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you eat in company in a setting when each person is responsible for bringing or ordering their food (for example in a workplace cafeteria) then the reason for the inquiry may be that the person is interested is your opinion on people who do eat meat or dairy products. The 'tongue-in-check' comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;you must think I'm awful for eating this burger, haha.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;even if not expressed politely is actually a valid concern of a person eating a meat burger in front of a vegan. I would start with setting them at ease and letting them know that you're not there to sit judgement over them for their dietary choices, for example by answering with some cliche, saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No, not at all. Each for his own, it would be terribly boring world if we all had the same opinions.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that closes the subject, then the asker was probably not terribly curious about your motivations as for why you chose to be a vegan in the first place, merely was seeking reassurance that the person with whom they share a table is not repulsed by their meal of choice or silently judging them from their moral high ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person persists in their inquiry you should expand on the subject if you wish, but only if they seem to be genuinely curious and open to a productive discussion. If the tone of the conversation becomes passive agressive, defensive or teasing, it's  time to cut the conversation on the topic short repeating that opinions may differ and any approach is legitimate, and that you find it not constructive to judge someone on based on dietary choices whether they eat meat or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that while you researched the subject at length and engrossed by it,  your company may not be equally invested. Watch for signs of interest or lack of. Your company  may not necessarily be ready to listen to lengthy discussions on the impact of meat production on the environment or the exact statistic of yearly factory livestock farming in your county.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person's attention seems to falter after a few minutes then probably a change in the conversation topic is warranted. The person may return to the discussion at a later date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1617" LastEditorDisplayName="user1617" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T06:23:11.543" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T06:23:11.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11755" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11727" CreationDate="2018-03-13T19:31:45.323" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;People are seldom aware of crossing boundaries.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I think that humor is a wonderful defuse a situation, but not always appropriate for the setting that you are in, more solemn occasions, during business meeting, or when you just don't want to joke about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few other ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just Smile and Nod&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;It is not rude to just smile and nod then go right back the discussion that was at hand.  Your non-verbal response is an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;One Word Answer&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;example: um-hum or thank you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Each of these are just slightly out of social context to allow that person to save face avoiding any humiliation or embarrassment on anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then return to the previous discussion, your non-verbal or one word response is an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a chance to speak to them privately and gently take the time to tell them how the innocent question made you feel.  This can be done politely it will not stop your awkward moment, but it may prevent many others from the uncomfortable situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I know you meant no offense by asking an innocent question in public, however, it is deeply private to me.  Thank you so much for understanding.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, You always have the right to not answer questions in public or private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14204" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T19:31:45.323" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T19:33:21.337" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been vegetarian since before I was one year old, so I have answered similar questions my entire life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick is to be honest, but without trying to belittle anyone for what they eat. You are vegan for ethical reasons... great. That is all you need to say. If they want more information or are interested in your point of view they will ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no desire to ever try eating meat, but by the same token, everyone else can eat whatever they want. Maybe I am healthier than the average carnivore, but that is beside the point... if I start making comparisons, then it comes across as arrogant and problems start happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are IMHO some fairly compelling reasons for not being a carnivore, but it is not my business to tell anyone else what they should do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are happy and convinced you are doing the right thing, then even if others have a problem with you being vegan, it oughtn't concern you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, those most likely to defend their position (being a carnivore as it were) vehemently, are the ones who really aren't convinced they are doing the right thing :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T19:33:21.337" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T20:15:14.817" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your goal, as you stated, is to put others at ease while being honest, (which I find wholly admirable, BTW) your best course, as others have suggested is to express it as a personal preference.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a way to do it while being honest, expressing your values, and still not offending anyone but the easily-offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best strategy is to craft a sentence that begins &quot;&lt;em&gt;I just don't want to eat...&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first suggestion is &quot;I just don't want to eat anything that probably came from an animal suffering.&quot;  I imagine you can do better, but it's a decent starting point.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; eat meat, that's a response I could respect, and understand easily that it does not carry an accusation with it (unless of course I worked for Perdue or Tyson).  I'd probably respond with something beginning with a sincere &quot;good for you...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simple truth is that there's no way to be honest without making some people think uncomfortable thoughts, and that's okay.  It's just how the world works.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be the same if you were an activist working to increase ethnic and economic diversity in housing, for example: almost every neighborhood has a dominant ethnicity (or else a narrow economic demographic), and most people like their neighborhood without thinking about its lack of diversity.  Being made to think about something that's right in front of your nose and you never think about is uncomfortable, and that's OK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13521" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T20:15:14.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T20:21:42.880" Score="84" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Why are you vegan?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I like it.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Good alternative: LightnessRacesinOrbit proposed &quot;Because I want to&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rationale:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Attempting to justify and explain yourself implies you are seeking the approval of your interlocutor, and this invites them to pass judgement/evaluation on you. Even if you are enthusiastic about your reasons for being vegan, it still frames the discussion as them questioning you, and you attempting to prove yourself. This creates a hierarchy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using the phrase &quot;ethical reasons&quot; also introduces morals into the discussion, sounds judgmental, and sort of invites conflict in a passive-aggressive way, as the other will feel compelled to prove they're just as ethical as you are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I like it&quot; on the other hand, moves the discussion towards the domain of subjective tastes, and defuses conflict. This also traps the other a bit, as seriously criticizing other people's tastes is generally considered  rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the conversation goes on, consider lines like this (well, only if you would actually do that, of course):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'd eat eggs if they came from chicken I'd raise myself, so I could make sure they're happy. Thinking about battery cages ruins the taste for me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an I-sentence (you're expressing your tastes, and not attaching a moral value to them), and it also contains a concession to your interlocutor (you'd eat eggs if). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I've raised chicken in my backyard, so I know that turning a &quot;live chicken&quot; into a &quot;delicious roasted chicken&quot; involves a bit of gruesomeness, which the average person who buys chicken at the supermarket is very much eager to not know anything about. Not to mention what agribusiness is like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you bring the conversation to moral grounds by saying &quot;ethical reasons&quot; then you will force them to consider where the chicken fillet at the supermarket actually comes from, and you're actually calling them out on their hypocrisy. They will react badly to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is why &quot;I like it...&quot; sounds pretty good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T16:11:09.817" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T16:11:09.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T20:35:40.067" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As explained in other answers, the answer &quot;ethical reasons&quot; implies that you believe people which are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; vegan are unethical. This naturally prompts bad reactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would opt for something neutral and not so vague, although not in much detail:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I (just) don't think eating meat is worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following the same reasoning as before, this implies that you believe people which are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; vegan think it is worth it. It is neutral, and they would probably agree with this assessment. If the conversation is just a small chat, this is sufficient. If someone wants a more thorough explanation, you can give it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14209" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T20:35:40.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11727" CreationDate="2018-03-13T21:09:53.267" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, congratulations on your victory over self harming. I know it's not easy and can be a struggle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on experience, the person who publicly asked the question made it awkward for the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;...somebody loudly asked &amp;quot;What are those marks on your forearm?&amp;quot;, before &lt;em&gt;turning a deep shade of red and looking mortified.&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person immediately knew they asked an awkward and personal question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;The room promptly went silent...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone was waiting on your reaction in order to follow your lead. Some were possibly thinking how rude it was to ask or some wondered if you're ok. Mental health is still an issue that not many people are comfortable talking about. Some don't know how to handle those issues or others want to be sensitive and look to you on how to proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of how you diffuse the situation, people may still react awkwardly if they're not aware that your self harming is over. Nobody is entitled to your private life and you seem pretty upfront so you could try honesty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After your joke (since that seems to work well), you could follow up with a variation of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't feel awkward about asking. It's a situation I've conquered and no longer an issue I battle with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about it. It's in the past and I'm much happier now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem embarrassed for asking about my mental health. As you can see, it's in the past and I'm doing well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This quickly addresses how to make the person not feel bad for asking, acknowledges that you're doing well, and possibly ease more tension that silently questions your mental health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T21:09:53.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11700" CreationDate="2018-03-13T21:56:49.607" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To make it easier for your non-confrontational friends split this into two parts. First shut down the current game, it goes too slowly. There is no confrontation no exclusion, so it should be easier to convince your friends to participate in that part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once that's done you can start talking about starting a new game (wait a week or two if you want to make it less obvious) and when discussing this potential new game stipulate that the pace needs to be good and fast-ish, after all remember what happened to the last game, no one wanted to play it anymore?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question is how to convince your friends, so I would suggest making the process as de-focussed from George as possible. Now he may or may not see through that, but it should be easier for your friend group to focus on &quot;Let's see how we can make this fast-paced&quot; rather than &quot;you're ruining it for everyone, George, get out&quot;, because in the first case you are not excluding him, he decides not to join for his own reasons&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T21:56:49.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11764" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11685" CreationDate="2018-03-13T22:00:00.500" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of wondering when to answer questions or give solutions to the problems whether directed at you or not, you should ask yourself: &lt;em&gt;why are your peers, and as a consequence you, consider yourself &quot;the least expected one to offer a solution&quot;?&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you do that you will probably realize that &lt;strong&gt;this&lt;/strong&gt; is the actual issue that is bothering you, &lt;strong&gt;and it should&lt;/strong&gt;. Everyone has a right to an opinion and deserves to be heard, so by no means you should try to justify people who disrespectfully discard your solutions or blame yourself for their reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the reasons why this is happening to you, it might be because you are not very socially active, which is fine (everyone has their own temperament), but it might have landed you in the &quot;ignore zone&quot;. So in the event when people don't actually have a choice but to notice you, they consider you an outsider intruding on their &quot;territory&quot; and essentially just rejecting the unfamiliar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To get yourself out of this position in your social circle you will require &lt;strong&gt;a lot of confidence&lt;/strong&gt;. Now, I know a lot of people might suggest being more &quot;assertive&quot; by using certain body language or voice tone or some specific phrases. None of those however are a consciously learned behavior, so instead you should change your mindset in a way that will allow you to exhibit all those traits of assertive behavior naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words: instead of &lt;em&gt;acting confident&lt;/em&gt; you have to &lt;strong&gt;be confident&lt;/strong&gt;. Which actually means to &lt;strong&gt;be sure of your opinion and your right to express it&lt;/strong&gt; regardless of how anyone reacts. And remember that self-doubt is your greatest enemy, you have enough people doubting you as it is, so by doubting yourself you prove them right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The short answer (only applies to group activities)&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find yourself being mocked or laughed at for providing a solution, ask that person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, &lt;em&gt;name&lt;/em&gt;, do you have a better idea?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I know it sounds a bit offensive, but you're not actually offending anyone if you say it calmly while being sure of your solution and your right to express it. It is also important to do this by name to assign responsibility to a person who decided to assert themselves at your expense and possibly shame them (implicitly) for their inappropriate behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;A bit of gender psychology&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A situation with your female colleague is a separate case altogether and is bit of a cliché in the inter-gender relationships. Acknowledging that ultimately not all people fall under these generalizations, women tend to share their problems primarily to receive emotional support, while men, when addressed with a problem, compelled to try and solve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This results in a serious frustration on the female part, when faced with a &quot;fix-it&quot; type of answer to the problem that is clearly causing serious stress (&lt;em&gt;how is he not getting it?!&lt;/em&gt;), and a complete perplexity on the male part. Because in many cases this kind of reply is perceived as insensitive and not caring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the next time your female colleague, friend or partner addresses you with a problem, first thing you should do is try to express empathy and compassion (I know it's not that easy for us guys :), assuming you're a guy...) and only then &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;maybe&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; you can try to suggest a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13691" LastEditorDisplayName="user13691" LastEditDate="2018-03-13T22:06:41.460" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T22:06:41.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11765" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-13T22:27:35.207" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are looking for ways to prevent eroding relationships; sometimes that happens when two people each believe the other is wrong.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you should consider ‘apologetics’:  looking for ways which explain why you think your ethical assessment is better but which don't condemn or insult the other person.  I.e. challenging other people, not necessarily to agree with you, but to take their own ethical studies as seriously as you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It all depends on your own evaluation of how much the other people care about ethics.  Understand that, for some people, that sort of thing is too difficult — but, maybe, they would rather that it wasn't.  Do they don't resent you, or do they resent ethics?  Maybe they'd rather you be part of the gang and do what they do — you describe your problem as others who are confronting you, and not &lt;em&gt;vice versa&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Other answers provide various other similar motivations or interpretations which could produce the situations you encounter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick in all this is to remember that you probably aren't claiming to be a prophet who has seen the One Truth:  you simply think that you have a way of interacting with the world–at–large which results in a yield of more good than of evil.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You aren't trying to convert anybody else:  you are simply willing to discuss the reasons why you have decided upon your own lifestyle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if you really think that your lifestyle does good, then you do believe that there are those lifestyles which do bad.  However, though that could motivate you to speak out a little, it shouldn't drive you to be reckless.  Oftentimes perception can be fooled by illusion; things which seem dire can be trivialized:  one's lifestyle can do bad unbeknownst to them as much as others' lifestyles can do good which is similarly unnoticed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastEditorUserId="469" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T00:14:25.437" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T00:14:25.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11766" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-13T22:42:29.137" Score="6" ViewCount="932" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am writing to ask for advice about a friend of mine, let's call her A. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A and I have known each other since our childhood and have been very close for most of our friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently there has been some tension. A is in her last year of dentistry school, completing an internship and having major exams. This results in her being very stressed and negative about life in general. I've noticed it and I have been there to comfort her and support her, however her coping mechanisms are leaving me frustrated, angry and not sure wether we should continue being friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The concerning behaviors I've noticed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;every chat that I have with her is negative&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;she has been yelling at her family - she says it happens when they try to comfort or encourage her&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;she has been bad-mouthing her roommate and colleagues&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;she performed a serious, unnecessary procedure on a patient to meet a quota.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, this is the behavior of a person who cannot handle stress. What I've tried so far when she is being negative is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;to remind her that there is life after university and to try put things into perspective - &quot;A year from now you will have graduated and things will be better&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;to bring up the past and the fun times we have&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;to distract her with something in the immediate future not connected with uni (like a trip or a movie)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the above-mentioned do work, they work slowly and every conversation we have feels like square one. Additionally, they do nothing for the other concerning behaviors. This has been going on for 6 months now, but was present before as well - it was less of a problem since the exam times were around two months in length. If this continues much longer, I fear that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I will lose my cool and start yelling at her to handle her stress better (rather ironic)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;she will turn into a horrible person who does all sorts of sketchy things and then blames it on stress/other people&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I am looking for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;ideas for what to say / try that will make it stick that this sort of behavior is not acceptable &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;a fix that allows me to keep our friendship and my sanity&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you very much in advance for your advice!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14217" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T16:09:34.123" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T16:09:34.123" Title="How to help a friend think about the impact of her actions when I am losing my patience?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11768" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11726" CreationDate="2018-03-13T23:46:50.797" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be as boring as possible while being filmed&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A video of you ignoring the camera questions being asked, or whatever else they're doing isn't going to be remotely interesting. Shouting at the person filming gives them something interesting to film. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Continue to focus on whatever you were doing at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6407" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T23:46:50.797" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11726" CreationDate="2018-03-13T23:54:09.107" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;People generally have the right to record what is around them. I agree that its annoying and feels like a violation of privacy, unfortunately besides a polite request not to there aren't many avenues to prevent this. You have already tried that and the fact that your classmates have continued in this behavior has convinced me that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your classmates who are continuing to record you are bullying you&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They are recording you to antagonize you&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Their tactic is based on the results of the incident in 7th grade and similar more recent events&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am answering based on these assumptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that you cannot force anybody to change their behavior, you can only change your own behavior and actions when interacting with them. This is not to say that you are to blame for any of their bullying, but that you may still have to shift your own behavior to avoid the negative impact of their actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The direct and honest approach that is a good course of action in most interpersonal problems would likely be counterproductive in this situation since it assumes the other party has your best interests in mind. Telling high school bullies that something they do bothers you is simply providing them with encouragement to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recording you (or appearing to record you) has been proven to elicit a negative reaction from you. These people are simply baiting you because they find it amusing to see you upset. This behavior will likely continue as long as they find your reaction amusing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best solution therefore, is to make recording you really boring and not worth their effort. Resist displaying any annoyance or anger. Calmly turn away from any recording if its convenient to do so. If you stop rising to the bait, these people will probably lose interest and stop harassing you in this manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a classmate throughout primary school who became infamous for his loud and emotional responses to some teasing. He continued to draw negative attention of people who thought it was funny to see him upset in this way. This only changed when he stopped reacting to their bait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Beyond interpersonal:&lt;/strong&gt; Bullying is serious and seeking help from staff in your school may be a worthwhile strategy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastActivityDate="2018-03-13T23:54:09.107" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T01:47:01.133" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also minimize my consumption of animal products (though due to chronic health reasons, I am not 100% vegan), purely for ethical reasons, and live in an area where this is not common; so this is based off of my experience with the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm vegan for ethical reasons.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which can get people defensive, I find the slightly modified statement &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm vegan because it aligns with my values.&quot; / &quot;Eating animal products doesn't align with my values.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;gets better responses. I think this is a good answer because it expresses that veganism is important to you and not just, for example, a preference for the taste of vegan food, but since &lt;em&gt;values&lt;/em&gt; are taken as more personal than &lt;em&gt;ethics&lt;/em&gt; it doesn't cause as much friction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people will leave it at that, because they're not really interested; they're just being polite. The people who do ask follow-up questions tend to be those who are actually interested, and less likely to be offended if you go into specifics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, some people will manage to become offended no matter what you say. I would focus more attention on relationships with the people who take it in stride - they tend to be a lot more mature. The vast majority of my friends eat meat and though they don't plan on stopping, they will be sure to warn me if food they prepared has animal products, check for veg options when choosing a restaurant, etc. The people who look out for you, even if they don't have a personal stake in the matter, are your true friends. The ones who will give you grief about it tend to not be worth the trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Sorry if it's too similar to other answers - but I could not find the same wording, specifically &quot;values&quot;, and I feel that that has been the most important, yet simple, part of how I shifted the way I spoke about my veganism without minimizing it's importance to me.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14225" LastEditorUserId="14225" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T01:55:13.563" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T01:55:13.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T03:02:44.703" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;The truth is most people try to do the right thing in some aspects of their life. Some put more effort into this than others, but nobody gets everything right all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also people are not ideal autonomous agents. Instead they are influenced by people around them and media they consume. You might not have become a vegan if you hadn't watched those documentaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you have done something else, not related to meat or animals, that could be considered morally wrong. Maybe you contributed to climate change by using a plane. Or you have let people down when they relied on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe the person you are talking to is not a vegan, but has other areas where they make an effort, like being really good parents, responsible car drivers, helping out in the neighborhood etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this spirit, you can say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I watched too many icky documentaries about meat production, this destroyed my appetite for animal products.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From what I learned over time about how animals are kept and treated these days, I decided I don't want to do it anymore. I wanted to prove to myself that I can live without animal products. Now I don't even remember how it tastes like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answers like this do not imply that you are a better person, just that you went through a process which led to a decision, and ended with you being who you are today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14226" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T03:02:44.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T04:41:46.537" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a vegetarian, my experience is that many people just won't be satisfied by any possible response. So it's alright to say &quot;for ethical reasons&quot; and, if they get defensive, say at most &quot;but you don't need to change your diet, I only care about mine&quot; and that's it. I recommend that you don't engage any more with people who react defensively because it is likely to be useless. Remember, you are eating what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want and &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; dictating others what to eat so, if they still have a problem with it, the problem is on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: I truly hope you won't encounter people who try to sneak meat in your food (I've seen it a few times with coworkers/relatives).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9858" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T04:41:46.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T06:42:39.723" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to go with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[I did] too much research.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want people to get defensive and this does a good job because: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's slightly self-deprecating&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With emphasis on the &lt;em&gt;too much&lt;/em&gt;, you're &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; communicating that your &lt;em&gt;ethical reasons&lt;/em&gt; make you superior, i.e.: &lt;code&gt;I'm better than you, (because I'm moral and you're not)&lt;/code&gt;, but instead you're saying that you went out of your way to do something that normal people probably wouldn't do and it wasn't necessarily a &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's not preachy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People, generally, don't like being preached at or preached to. When you start getting into heavy topics like ethics and morals people are already going to be on edge. This type of answer though puts the emphasis on you and your choices instead of the people asking and what they need to do or change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's open ended&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anyone is interested they might ask more. You might strike up an interesting conversation that would be mutually beneficial. On the other hand if people are just asking in passing they have an acceptable answer that they don't need to pry into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've used this in the past many a time and I've never had a bad reaction or experience from it. YMMV, but I think it meets the goal you're trying to reach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="461" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T06:42:39.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11766" CreationDate="2018-03-14T07:37:00.400" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person who is undergoing a lot of stress lately (work + studies + distant relationship to start with), I have noticed I am seeing everything negative kinda like your friend does.&#xA;The encouragements about how everything will be nice in the future do not work because in no way they fix the stress that is happening now, meaning that &lt;strong&gt;no matter how bright the future is, the current state is still horrible and stressful&lt;/strong&gt;. With things you say, you seem to try to block her stress from venting on you, distract, as you say. What I would suggest&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let her say whatever she wants no matter how bad it might sound. The stress can make people say things they do not really mean but they find it hard to express in other way. If I say &quot;I hate my boss, gladly would kill him&quot; it does not mean I gonna grab a knife and do that for real (my boss is nice guy anyway)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not try to &quot;block&quot; her venting, rather say that you understand and support her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After this all, but not instead, try to bring some positive emotions in her current life, like go to movies, or eat out or whatever nice small things you come up with. But first two items on this list are more important.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7416" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T07:37:00.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11780" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T08:28:40.363" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes being dismissive is the best way to handle this if you think the person is just trying to make smalltalk and doesn't want the full explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example answers like &quot;Does it matter?&quot; or &quot;Because I am.&quot; can sometimes work.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If a person is genuinely interested they'll press for a full answer in which case you can give your reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you're giving your reasons make sure to mention that you generally don't like discussing it because other people seem to judge your decision to not eat meat despite the fact that you aren't judging them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately a lot of non-vegans/vegitarians are predisposed to assuming that vegans/vegitarians are judging them or think they are better than non-vegans/vegitarians despite that rarely being the case, so if you make it clear that you aren't then it shoots down their preconceptions before they have chance to get riled up for no good reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone does get angry or annoyed for some reason you just calmly ask &quot;I'm sorry, is there a problem?&quot;, which invites them to explain their annoyance.&#xA;Once they have explained you can address their issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely it will be something along the lines of &quot;you think you're better than us&quot; or &quot;you're trying to impose your veganness on everyone else&quot;, in which case the best way to shoot down those fallacies is to prompt the person for evidence, which they most likely won't be able to provide. If it's the first time they've found out that you're vegan, stress how long they've known you for without realising.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other side of the coin, if they start trying to make jokes simply say &quot;I've heard that one before&quot; or &quot;That one wore thin by the time I was 12&quot; or something, preferably with a blank look on your face so they realise that such jokes aren't amusing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I am a lifelong vegitarian for various different reasons, so I've run into this situation quite a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T08:28:40.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11784" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11727" CreationDate="2018-03-14T09:32:59.400" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have several large noticeable scars on my arms, not from the result of self harm but from operations. I don't even notice having them, but I find people are awkward towards me about them. They seem afraid that if they point them out to me I'll be offended or get upset. It couldn't be further from the truth really, while I'm not proud of them I'm not exactly upset by them either. They're part of me, a medal if you will from a time where I had some accidents which closed a part of my life down but opened new avenues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be proud of your scars, they make you who you are. You had your bad times, you've come through them, but like all life events they make a mark on you either physically or mentally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I do is that I own the situation. I matter of factly tell them what happened and what how they ended up on me. It gives you ownership of the scars it gives you ownership of the conversation. I would think that if you did this people wouldn't think less of you or become awkward. Joking about it lessens the importance of them to you, and to the person asking the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="523" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T09:32:59.400" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11785" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11826" CreationDate="2018-03-14T11:14:12.743" Score="93" ViewCount="32660" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a moderately good looking woman. With basic makeup and hair styling, I can make myself look pretty. This is my preferred look when I go out. I often get a lot of stares, sometimes admiring and sometimes nasty, from other male colleagues and I have pretty much accepted that it, mainly because I cannot help it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are cases when there is a woman by their side and it makes her uncomfortable. It could be that man's wife, or a girlfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Incident 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;For instance, I was at a party of a very close female friend. I had a few small interactions with her husband earlier so it was natural for him to greet me. It was a simple &quot;&lt;em&gt;Hi, how are you?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; But my friend was clearly upset by this and she made a long face at me all the time. Not to mention that our interactions have gone down after this incident. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Incident 2&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I was at a coffee bar with a friend. After sometime and all of sudden when I casually looked up, I saw a young woman giving me angry looks. I looked at her the second time and nothing changed. I saw someone sitting beside her, I am assuming he was her date, and that man was staring at me. I just minded my business and left the place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Incident 3&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There was another incident where I was travelling with a friend in a bus. That bus had seating system where two sets of passengers face each other and that pattern is repeated throughout the bus. There was a couple sitting in front of me, and as soon as I took my seat, the woman asked the man to exchange his seat with hers. The man was sitting opposite to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;While this kind of attention is definitely a confidence booster, I'm not an attention seeker nor was I there to create a havoc in their love life. But, I cannot forget those stares. They make me feel guilty about something which I do not understand. Also, I am a little upset about the way my friend chose to minimize her interactions with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;How could I signify to these women that I'm not interested in responding to those stares and that they have nothing to worry about? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of the answers here mention that I need to ignore such stares and I completely agree with that. Only that I need to have a thick skin to start implementing it. &#xA;Also, got to know many things like 'mate guarding behaviour', that I need to help my friend 'validate their relationship', that I cannot control what others think of me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And to all those who asked and suggested that I stop wear revealing clothing, it was not a fair thing to say. One cannot hide the silhouette no matter what. And the definition of revealing clothing is not defined. For some, wearing a sleeveless dress or showing ankle cleavage could be revealing too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, I am not going to tone down my appearance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14242" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2018-03-18T08:48:01.647" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T08:48:01.647" Title="As a woman, how to avoid angry stares from other people's wives or girlfriends" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="15" ClosedDate="2018-03-19T07:23:30.043" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11787" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11913" CreationDate="2018-03-14T11:47:30.510" Score="10" ViewCount="2828" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a group of friends who meet to play dungeons and dragons. The person whose house we go to often cancels because their partner can't make it. So as we are all adults we don't meet up very often at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last night was the final straw. They cancelled late, so I didn't get the email before rushing around after work to arrive on time, to find it cancelled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So as our house has 3 people to play we have decided to run our own game and they can all come whenever they can make it. I am having trouble because I am generally blunt and know this isn't what is needed. I want to let them know I will no longer be coming, and invite then to join us whilst letting them know it will running if they aren't there. I'm worried this friend might feel offended that we're hosting the same game elsewhere. I want them to feel welcome to join us when they can, while asserting that the games will proceed with or without them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tactfully inform our friend that they will no longer host our game without offending them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update: It has been silence since I sent the email, not a single word from anybody, so that didn't go well at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="11738" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T17:44:55.950" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T17:44:55.950" Title="How do I tell a friend I don't want to play their game anymore, but invite them to mine" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11785" CreationDate="2018-03-14T11:48:25.827" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure that there is really anything you can do. From your description of the event, it doesn't seem like you are doing anything inappropriate at all. If you truly wanted to change your own behavior, &lt;strong&gt;which I do not recommend&lt;/strong&gt;, then you may have to tone down your appearance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't let your existence, which causes jealousy or insecurity in others, to cause you to make life changes just because other people can't seem to mind their own personal relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7905" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T11:48:25.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11790" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-14T12:01:51.787" Score="60" ViewCount="23314" Body="&lt;p&gt;For context, I am a twenty-four-year-old man. Recently I made the acquaintance of a woman who is twelve years older than myself. I was instantly struck by her extreme beauty and made efforts to form a bond with her. A few days ago she made a bet with me that I could not cook her a satisfactory dinner. I did cook quite well and she admitted defeat. Because I won she said that I get to pick a reward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is that all I can think of is asking her to spend a few hours with me this weekend wandering around the city so that I can get to know her better.&#xA;However, I found it difficult to ask her for this, as I am afraid that she might stop visiting altogether if she thinks this is an unwanted advance. How can I ask her for this in a way that shows I am not going to make any unwanted advances, and that I just want to get to know her better and lift up my spirits in the process, as I have been feeling a bit gloomy lately?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We usually meet once every week.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't have any intention of dating her, I just wish to spend more time with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user14251" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2020-07-27T19:03:30.913" Title="How to ask for a wish from a woman?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11787" CreationDate="2018-03-14T12:25:11.740" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You do not need an excuse for it per say. You agreed to meet up to play a game, you can stop doing that whenever you want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, try wording it something like this perhaps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey x, I just want to let you know that I won't be attending your games anymore. This is supposed to be entertainment and stress relief for me, something I can look forwards too during the week. But lately the games you host have been unreliable and it has happened often that the game was cancelled at a very late notice. This turns something that should be fun into another source of stress for me, and I no longer like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For that reason, I will be hosting my own games in the future. You are of course welcome to attend whenever you can, but the games will be held and continue regardless of wether or not you can be there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is a way to communicate how you feel in a nice and adult manner and will give them an idea of what and why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T12:46:54.197" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T13:18:12.660" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a lifelong vegetarian I find giving a humorous answer, rather than a serious one is the first line of defense. My favorite is &quot;I'm not a vegetarian because I like animals, it's because I hate vegetables.&quot; This usually gets a chuckle, and conversation can move on to other things, as most of the time people are asking to be polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The beauty of this is that if they really are interested, they have the opportunity to ask the &quot;real&quot; reason I'm a vegetarian at a later point, but if they're not (which is the case most of the time) I've effectively answered their question without answering it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do inquire further, how you frame your response can affect how it's received. Saying &quot;I'm vegan for ethical reasons&quot; and saying &quot;I feel like a vegan diet is more ethical&quot; both convey essentially the same message, but one is MUCH more confrontational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T13:18:12.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11790" CreationDate="2018-03-14T13:38:04.007" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's pretty close to impossible to comment on someone else's motives, especially when they aren't here to clarify their position.  All we can comment on is your course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's look at this.  She willingly made a bet with you.  She was the judge of whether you won or lost and it's purely subjective.  You get to choose the prize.  How easy would it have been for her to say &quot;you lose&quot;?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something I've learned over the years is that we as men don't tell women often enough what we want.  They wonder why we don't do [x] and we wonder why we don't get a clear signal so we can do [x].  The solution is to put ourselves out there in a way that makes our intentions known and to try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you want?  It appears that the answer is &quot;to spend a couple hours with her, touring the city&quot;.  So tell her!  &quot;What I would like more than anything is the pleasure of your company for a couple hours as we tour the city.&quot;  Make it clear that it's about &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; and that you enjoy spending time with her.  Given that you spend time together already, I can't see that she would find this as excessive.  But I'm not a mind reader, so it's impossible to say she'd say yes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say this: she's 36.  She's at a point in her life where she's realized that getting what she wants is up to her.  She's most likely gone through dating.  She most likely doesn't want to play games and doesn't like the hesitancy of guessing games as part of dating.  The only way you'd know if she doesn't like this, however, is for you to ask.  So do that!  Or spend the rest of your life wondering &quot;what would have happened if...&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T13:58:59.600" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T13:58:59.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11790" CreationDate="2018-03-14T14:04:57.100" Score="127" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I said in the question's comments, I think this is strongly culturally-related, but let's take a shot in the dark:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many regions of the world, &lt;strong&gt;such a bet would already be considered as flirting&lt;/strong&gt;, so it would not seem awkward to ask for spending some time to get to know her better. With such an hypothesis done, it could go that way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey X, I thought about what I could pick as a reward, and it would really please me to spend some more time together. I think you're an interesting person and I would like to get to know you better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is quite neutral yet honest sentence, &lt;strong&gt;but please keep in mind the cultural background&lt;/strong&gt;: I believe people in the US are not shy to tell their feelings before even going on the first date, whereas in my country, it's more of a &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;catch the mouse&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; game: I won't tell you I like you until I feel you do too, and vice versa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2020-07-27T19:03:30.913" LastActivityDate="2020-07-27T19:03:30.913" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T14:37:08.337" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As Dan Anderson points out, saying &quot;ethical reasons&quot; puts people on the defensive, implying that you've made the correct choice and they haven't.  If you could sit down and have a longer conversation with them, as you point out in your post, you could explain things more thoroughly and have a less off-putting answer than &quot;ethical reasons&quot;, but as you also point out, most situations where this question is asked are not conducive to a detailed conversation on the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, you should find an alternative short answer that doesn't put people on the defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's something I've decided I want to do&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It aligns with my values/ it's something I decided is right for me (others have included this in their answers)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I thought about it a lot and came to this conclusion for me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I used to eat meat, but after putting some thought into it realized I'm more comfortable/happy/fulfilled/satisfied with a vegan diet&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3239" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T14:37:08.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11730" CreationDate="2018-03-14T14:40:48.433" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be honest the way you protrayed it here, it sounds like she has put a lot more thought into this while you are more concerned about how inconvinient it is for you. Considering she has 'always had this grand vision', my question is when did you get to know about it? If she has told you about this a long time ago and you have never countered her. Then let her have it that way. If it was only mentioned recently around the time of the engagement, then you should be honest and tell her that you are a little unsure about how you feel about going there. It is afterall a wedding for both of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to make a pros and cons list of both locations together. Destination weddings can be quite a pain to both the hosts and the guests. So honestly the place with the most guests would be ideal. Be clear that you support her and want both of you to be happy, but that you are not comfortable with her mother controlling so many aspects, since it is afterall your wedding. Let her know that while you don't mind travelling to her destination, that you have reservations about her mother having already planned so much before you guys have. I recommend posting this question in the subreddit r/justnomil as well, since there are lots of supportive people with the same experience there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend making a more detailed plan and idea for the wedding and comparing how it would be in both cities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14259" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T14:40:48.433" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T14:51:48.647" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer depends strongly on what you want to deliver and what you want learn about the asker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to just answer politely without any other intention, follow &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/11758/9991&quot;&gt;peufeu's answer&lt;/a&gt;. It is neutral to say &quot;I like [it]&quot; or &quot;I don't like [it]&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to answer politely and check if the asker is picky or tolerant, you can answer &quot;It makes me feel better&quot;. There is a neutral meaning of your answer and offensive meaning as well. The response to this answer shows you what the asker thinks you have meant (usually what the asker wanted you to say) and how they react. Thanks to @Belle to bring this answer in the comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to reduce the tension and bounce the topic off, you can answer in joking and ridiculous way as suggested in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/11796/9991&quot;&gt;aslum's answer&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T14:51:48.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11790" CreationDate="2018-03-14T14:57:02.453" Score="30" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She made a bet with me that I could cook not her a satisfactory dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bet isn't about something you can prove, it's not a &lt;em&gt;1 + 1 = 2&lt;/em&gt;. It's subjective. Therefore, &quot;biased&quot;, to say the least while still being polite.&#xA;This way, she can choose to let you win... or not!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, doing that, gives you a 1st hint. Then, follows this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because I won she said that I get to pick a reward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Was the reward planned? No. Another hint.&#xA;Usually, when you bet with friends/family/colleagues, depending on the amount of fun you want to have, you choose a reward on the &lt;em&gt;serious-to-silly gauge&lt;/em&gt;. But it's known and agreed &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, IMO, she opens a door, and want to see how you'll step inside.&#xA;Depending on what reward you'll pick, she'll see how serious-to-silly you can be. Will you be friendly? Funny? Goofy? Romantic? Yourself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, she wants to know who you really are, how far you can go. And how you like to go there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best advice is to give her what &lt;strong&gt;she&lt;/strong&gt; wants: be yourself, let her know who you are, be honest. You want to spend time in a friendly manner? Just do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What seems important, to me, is the way you offer/take the/her reward:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, Alice, as you lost the bet, you'll have to do the worst thing ever! (puzzled..) Yes! Spend a couple of hours with me [ walking in the park and having a coffee / visiting this museum / you-name-it ]. Maybe with humor? :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Watch her face / smile (hopefully...) and you'll know more. But don't be afraid of the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T14:57:02.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1775" CreationDate="2018-03-14T15:15:19.347" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can point it out. &quot;Have you noticed I hear from you only when you need something from me?&quot;. &quot;I'm not sure if it is just a coincidence or a rule but whenever we met you wanted something from me.&quot; If you want, you can escalate &quot;What again?&quot; and even &quot;Ah, what the gods want now?&quot; &quot;I thought you wanted to go for a beer, darn it.&quot; If you are used as a tool you don't need to be polite at all unless you want to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not obliged to anyone to do a favour. It is your decision only - if you want to help, you help; if you don't want to, you don't. &quot;No, sorry&quot; is a sufficient answer. If you wanted longer answer, &quot;No, I have a different plan for that time&quot; is sufficient even if staring at a blank wall is the plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T15:15:19.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11785" CreationDate="2018-03-14T15:20:30.540" Score="194" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I signify to these women that I'm not interested in responding to those stares and that they have nothing to worry about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't. They don't worry about you, they worry about their significant other. You are not part of their relationship. They choose to externalize their problems rather than dealing with each other, but they could be just as mad at the next bikini photo ad or anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T12:15:14.133" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T12:15:14.133" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11790" CreationDate="2018-03-14T15:21:50.543" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I assume this is in the context of western culture.&#xA;I think you should not only ask for her company. You invested some time and your cooking skills. Therefore you can ask of somethink similar. For example let her prepare a picnic, of course you should ask for something which will lead to her spending time with you.&#xA;The reason I suggest this is, that humans tend to hold on something more likely, if they already invested something (time, money...). This behaviour is called sunken cost bias. If you just ask for her time, she will think that her spending time with you is a reward for you. So every time she will spend time with you she is rewarding you and therefore you have to earn her time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11838" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T15:21:50.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11807" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11790" CreationDate="2018-03-14T15:24:27.407" Score="25" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Challenge her back.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She challenged you, thereby showing an interest in you (she could've just said no; this is a more challenging way to say yes). &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Now it's your turn.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; This could keep things interesting between you two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could make plans to do something you're good at, and dare her to keep up. Or if you prefer going to the park, challenge her to create a fun picnic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T21:16:45.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T15:25:45.410" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I say that it's &quot;for all the reasons&quot;. They've probably heard the reasons before and don't need to hear them again from me. This answer is especially appropriate if the question is phrased as &quot;either/or&quot;, e.g. &quot;Is it for health reasons, or etc.?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;FYI, various possible reasons include compassion, health, enjoyment, economics. ecology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another answer is, &quot;Because I can be.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another answer (possibly the least pushy) is, &quot;Because my girlfriend decided to be.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For what it's worth, my reasoning is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;For all the reasons&quot; ... I guess the subtitle is, &quot;I know you weren't born yesterday and I suppose you've already heard about this. Especially when the question you asked was ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why are you vegan? Is it for health reasons, ethics, the environment? Taste, aesthetics?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... then you know the reasons: and I can reply, 'for all the reasons (these reasons and more)'. It's a win-win IMO, i.e. doing it for any one reason incurs the benefits of the other reasons too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe people have lectured you on this topic in the past, and you don't need to hear it again from me. I decided there are good and sufficient reasons, by the way, but I don't need to lecture you (which I'd fear you might &quot;resent&quot;), and you don't need to pigeon-hole me (as a &quot;health nut&quot; or whatever). Being vegetarian or vegan is normal these days -- is it remarkable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to know something specific (about the reasoning) then you can ask (because I might know something about all the reasons -- I too have heard the arguments before).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also the question as phrased (i.e. &quot;why are &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; vegan&quot;) is all about me, and I'm not sure I'm quite comfortable with that (maybe I don't want a conversation with you that's &lt;em&gt;all about me&lt;/em&gt;). If you wanted to reply with any question about being vegan, you could. I'm not even personally very interested any more in my being vegan: it's just what I eat, to live, like everyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I don't want to hear the tired counter-arguments for not being vegan, so I don't want to prompt that with pro-vegan talking points.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Because I can be&quot; ... is subtitled, &quot;If I were living in another time and place, then maybe I couldn't afford to be vegan, maybe I'd be unable to live that way -- if I were living in the Middle Ages, for example, or in the Arctic. So I realise I'm fortunate, that I'm able to be, here. I don't want to count myself as &quot;holier than thou&quot; for doing this, just luck that I have the opportunity (e.g. an environment where the foodstuffs are available) and the know-how.&quot; ... and, this goes without saying, &quot;You could be vegan too if you wanted be.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Because my girlfriend decided to be&quot; ... subtitled, &quot;Big joke: I'm not a militant or anything (or at least, I'm not any more), just trying to please her -- like who wouldn't in my situation? One of those jokes in the internet is ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My wife wanted a kitten: but I'm the man in this house. So, we got a kitten.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... perhaps you understand. Of course we can be vegan if she wants us to be, we simply have to shop accordingly. My sweetheart says she likes animals. Love, eh? It changes you (more specifically, it changes me -- I'm not saying it changes you), who can argue with it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that the latter two are more-or-less &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;I-messages&lt;/a&gt; ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I-messages are often used with the intent to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... which have been recommended for &quot;conflict resolution&quot;, and which may be appropriate since the question as phrased is especially asking about &quot;you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that people argue about it, and people have taken this topic personally, I doubt it's worth lecturing people (if you want people to try some vegan meals there may be better ways than lecturing them), so I think you're right to worry that your answer might make people &quot;resent&quot; you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For that reason the first answer is more-or-less evading the question. Maybe it's inept or could be epter, but I have said exactly/only that in the past and I don't remember its leading to arguments (maybe a lull in the conversation). It's basically replying, &quot;You already know the answer, I'm not trying to attack you, maybe let's not talk about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastEditorUserId="9053" LastEditDate="2018-07-08T11:51:07.430" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T11:51:07.430" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11766" CreationDate="2018-03-14T16:00:57.700" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A suggested fix to allow you to keep your friendship and sanity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You divide all the time you spend with her in two:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Time to talk about her life. This would be what you two have been doing lately. Listening to her vents and rants while you try to be as supportive as you can. You could do this in a quiet and calm setting such as during dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Time for different activities. This will be the part where you watch a movie/go to the beach/bowling or whatever activity you guys enjoy doing together. During this time, none of you are allowed to talk about your personal lives. No problems, no co-worker stories or whatnot.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is this a good idea?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, everybody needs some amount of distractions. Spending time together should be a fun and enjoyable experience. If talking about her life is getting in the way of this, you need to seperate this part from the rest. It will also help her being more positive if she is able to empty her head from time to time and stop focusing on the negative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T16:00:57.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11704" CreationDate="2018-03-14T16:29:27.703" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My go to technique to calm angry co-workers down whilst in the middle of an argument is to step in and suggest a short (coffee) break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is to signal that they should calm down and that they are bothering you in your work. If they start turning  their anger at you, you can simply walk away saying you will be more productive once they have calmed down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That also should push them to discuss this more reasonably and without swearing once they took their minds of the matter at hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T16:29:27.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11813" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-14T17:03:12.433" Score="6" ViewCount="2340" Body="&lt;p&gt;I currently have a friend who is someone &quot;clingy&quot; to me, and often calls me their &quot;best friend&quot;. I have no issue with this, I am fine with being the best friend of multiple people. However, I have an issue when they make comments such as &quot;Best friends for life&quot;, as this implies that they are my best friend too, when in fact they are not and I have no intention to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, whenever they a make a statement or comment implying that they are my best friend too - I simply reply in a neutral manner, neither confirming nor denying that they are in fact my best friend (as I don't want to hurt their feelings).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For context, I do already have a &quot;best friend&quot;, however, I do not believe it is appropriate to have more than once (as otherwise that would defeat the point of having a &quot;best&quot; one). In addition both of us are teenagers (over the age of 16 but under 19). So, &lt;strong&gt;how would I inform a friend that I already have a &quot;best friend&quot; without rubbing it in their faces or offending them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T21:58:32.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T00:18:44.243" Title="How to politely inform a friend that you already have a &quot;best friend&quot;?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11730" CreationDate="2018-03-14T17:13:25.880" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can start humorously, showing her what would be the actual compromise, like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/aApXX.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/aApXX.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;right in the middle&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her you started checking which places are available for wedding around there for the date of your wedding, or something like that, just to seemingly be serious about you planning for wedding there. Make sure she understands that it is joke afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way both of you may acknowledge the points the other fiancée makes and his/hers view on the wedding place location, perhaps by referring to the location in the middle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am surprised nobody has actually come up with this so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you sit together and listen when the other fiancée explains the (relevant, not just because, at least explained why) reasons for this or the other location, taking turns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, it is about your and your fiancée's ability to come to a uneasy compromise, making sure that you respect each other's wishes in the result. You must do that on your own, without external interference, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note, don't worry too much if the bride gets most of her wishes, in that case just make sure that you respect each other wishes and opinions equally &lt;strong&gt;after&lt;/strong&gt; your wedding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will be a possibility of your mother-in-law getting too much involved in your marriage, if she feels she can easily control your married life. Then you and your fiancée have to come with a shared opinion how to deal with that unwanted interference, stick to that, and present it to the source person, but that's another story/IPS question, like this one: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/7512/girlfriends-nosy-mother-keeps-expressing-that-shell-show-up-unannounced&quot;&gt;Girlfriend&amp;#39;s nosy mother keeps expressing that she&amp;#39;ll show up unannounced&lt;/a&gt; .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14266" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T21:23:31.730" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T21:23:31.730" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11787" CreationDate="2018-03-14T17:28:25.577" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that people get too focused on giving reasons when those aren't always required.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like keeping things simple.  I'd suggest starting the overall conversation with, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've enjoyed getting together but I'm backing out.  I am hosting my own game and you're welcome to join if you'd like.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that generally people won't ask for reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that happens, though, don't blame anyone.  Give facts.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It was fun, but the last-minute cancellations got to be too much for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And leave it at that.  If you're concerned about offending someone, I'd suggest waiting a month and then letting your friends know part 2: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've started hosting a game at my place.  It's pretty casual; we play with whoever is there at the time.  I'd love to have you join if you want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep this in mind: D&amp;amp;D games come and go.  Players change.  People drop in and out all the time. Anyone who has played D&amp;amp;D for more than 6 months knows that - at least every game I was ever in had a pretty fluid membership! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T21:02:10.793" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T21:02:10.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11727" CreationDate="2018-03-14T18:06:07.017" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think making jokes is a good response. What's funny about mental illness that tricks your mind into thinking that permanently damaging your own body is a good/acceptable choice to make?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you're not opposed to talking about your scars in the right situation, if you wanted something that's still rather light but acknowledges the seriousness of your past mental illness, something like this could be an option:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They're scars from my past, when my mind was at war with itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously not everyone who has gone through a mental illness would describe it in this way, but a short sentence starting with something like &quot;they're scars from my past&quot; and then giving how you would characterise your mental past health would I think meet the balance between diffusing an awkward exchange while remaining honest and unashamed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it may be awkward, there's nothing inherently inappropriate with asking about scars, and I think a response like this shows more respect to the asker than a joking response. You could also think of it as a small moment of normalising talking about mental health issues; part of normalising mental health as a topic of conversation includes that it's okay to have very short conversations about it, not just Deep &amp;amp; Meaningfuls. And from their reaction you could gauge whether a deeper conversation might be appropriate at another time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastEditorUserId="110" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T12:52:38.007" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T12:52:38.007" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11785" CreationDate="2018-03-14T18:26:37.220" Score="117" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's quite simple, what you're seeing is mate guarding behavior. Let's do some &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mate_guarding_in_humans#Female&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;science&lt;/a&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All the women tested rated the thin, provocatively dressed women as the sexiest. Participants were also &lt;strong&gt;twice as likely to avoid introducing the model to their partners&lt;/strong&gt; compared to the conservatively dressed model, who was rated as the least threatening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...and some more &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.researchgate.net/publication/290442375_Women_Selectively_Guard_Their_Desirable_Mates_From_Ovulating_Women&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;science&lt;/a&gt;!...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because ovulating (i.e., high-fertility) women are both more attractive to men and also more attracted to (desirable) men, ovulating women may be perceived to pose &lt;strong&gt;heightened threats to other women’s romantic relationships&lt;/strong&gt;. Across 4 experiments, partnered women were exposed to photographs of other women taken during either their ovulatory or nonovulatory menstrual-cycle phases, and consistently reported intentions to &lt;strong&gt;socially avoid&lt;/strong&gt; ovulating (but not nonovulating) women-but only when their own partners were highly desirable. Exposure to ovulating women also increased women’s sexual desires for their (highly desirable) partners. These findings suggest that women can be sensitive to subtle cues of other women’s fertility and respond (e.g., via social exclusion, enhanced sexual attention to own mate) in ways that may facilitate their mate retention goals while not thwarting their affiliative goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and considering...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thus, it is a significant challenge for women when other women attempt to poach their partners. For instance, over 50% of women admit to attempting to poach another woman’s partner, and over 80% of men admit to having been the object of another woman’s poaching—with about half of men admitting to “going along” with the poaching attempt (e.g., Schmitt et al., 2004; Schmitt &amp;amp; Buss, 2001). Women have good reason, then, to mate guard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...yeah, can't blame them ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be that she's single and envious of your looks, although this isn't present in your examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the qotes above, you'll get the death stare if: she thinks you're a threat AND she's attached to her man. It's quite logical, and flattering for you... and for him, when you think about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, your questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am a little upset about the way my friend chose to minimize her interactions with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That one is answered by the quoted article, she's avoiding you in order to keep you away from her hubby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I signify to these women that I'm not interested in responding to those stares and that they have nothing to worry about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't really, as the stares are not meant to be &quot;responded to&quot;, rather they are meant to keep you away. If you don't want stares, the only solution would be to not to be perceived as a potential threat to her relationship, ie either to appear less attractive and less sexy, or to show up with your significant other. But since you sound proud of your looks, I'm not sure you'd want to do the former, and the latter isn't always convenient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, please don't change anything, as you did a great service to all the couples in your examples. After all, the study quoted above mentions that you &quot;increased the other women’s sexual desires for their partners&quot;... as in reminding someone they shouldn't take their significant other for granted...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T19:13:14.003" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T19:13:14.003" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11813" CreationDate="2018-03-14T18:52:08.240" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's unpack the issue and analyze it. The concept of a best friend is not necessarily one which refers to a single person. You could be a part of a group of friend who are really close, and thus are all best friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the real problem is not so much that you already have a best friend, it's that even if you did not, this person would not be the one you'd choose to bond with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is perfectly reasonable, and essentially transforms the question into:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I tell this person that I don't feel about them the same way that they feel about me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this person seems to value your friendship so highly, there may not be a particularly pleasant way of breaking to them that you don't reciprocate their feelings. You have to ask yourself why it's so important to you to distance yourself from him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your continued approach may work perfectly well for most purposes - after all, why does it really matter whether he calls himself your best friend or not? Your true best friend knows how you feel about him, so what's the harm?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does it hurt your reputation or social standing to have this person identify himself as your best friend? Who is he damaging your reputation with? Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answers to those questions is that it does matter, or that it's simply making you uncomfortable, and don't want to encourage his attachment to you, then it's best to be truthful:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey X, I have to talk to you about something. I'm honored that you consider me your best friend, and I don't want that to change. However, you're going around telling everyone that you're &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; best friend, and that's making me uncomfortable. While I consider you a good friend, I don't see you as my &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;best&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; friend. I'd like it if you stopped speaking in my name about these things. Thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend may not like what he hears, but you will have imposed your boundaries, and made your feelings on the matter clear in as neutral a way as possible. It will then be on your friend to accept it with some degree of maturity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T18:52:08.240" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11785" CreationDate="2018-03-14T19:45:35.640" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you ask: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I signify to these women that I'm not interested in&#xA;  responding to those stares and that they have nothing to worry about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1)&lt;/strong&gt; In the situation where you A) don't know the people giving the stares and B) don't need to interact with them. You can smile politely at the woman and ignore the man.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2)&lt;/strong&gt; In a situation where you need to interact with a couple giving you these stares you can make sure to look at / talk too the each person equally.  And if possible stand closer to the Woman than the man.  (I'm assuming heterosexual couples as that is what your post describes.)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other actions that may help 1)&lt;/strong&gt; Avoid, any touch as this would escalate the other persons bad feelings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other actions that may help 2)&lt;/strong&gt; Also, if you wear revealing clothing you could consider wearing clothes that are less revealing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Advice.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Remember that you can't control other people.&lt;/strong&gt; From your post it doesn't sound like your doing anything wrong.  It does sound like these other women have an insecurity that they need to address.  And that these men have a bad habit of staring when they shouldn't, since it makes their partners feel less desirable.  In the cases you have listed there is nothing you can do to help these people with their problems.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you start to feel guilty about the angry looks you receive.  Try repeating to yourself, in your mind: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've done nothing wrong.  I've done nothing at all really.  These&#xA;  folks have problems that they are going to have to work out on their&#xA;  own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then think about work or play or something to distract you.  There is no need to feel guilt for their behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T19:45:35.640" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11813" CreationDate="2018-03-14T20:53:38.037" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will assume that this non-best friend is still your friend and that you care about their feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to retain your multiple friendships and for everyone to be happy, I advise you to &lt;strong&gt;drop the use of the term, &quot;best friend.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; This term, while very gratifying to the person it applies to, is designed to exclude everyone else. It is a barrier to anyone who would like to become close to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, of course, can have a friend who is #1 in your heart, but the more you flaunt that, the more likely your other friends will be annoyed that they are ranked lower that your best friend. At best it would be disappointing to them; at worst it would make them feel like they have to compete for your affection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, once you have stopped dividing your friends into &quot;best&quot; and &quot;not best,&quot; you should ask those who call you their best friend to follow suit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I noticed you were calling me your best friend to other people. I used to do that with [name of best friend], but I feel like it could hurt other people's feelings if they aren't considered &lt;em&gt;my best friend&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;your best friend.&lt;/em&gt; I just want everyone to feel included, so is there a chance I could ask you to do the same? We're all good friends, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing here is to make sure this friend still feels welcome and loved by you. If you are careful to cease from identifying best friends, and diligent in asking others to do the same, you will all be happier. &lt;strong&gt;Bonus&lt;/strong&gt;: People who aren't your &quot;best friend&quot; will stop telling other people that they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2018-03-14T21:08:15.730" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T21:08:15.730" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T20:56:33.293" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Remind them of the fact that it is a perfectly healthy attitude for anyone to decide for themselves what they put into (and in case of food, allow to become part of!) their own body or not. The ambiguity is almost intentional here - you can actually use it to strengthen the seriousness of your position. When it comes to eating, the hands are the last part of your body involved in the process that others should expect to be allowed to touch (eg as a handshake) without a clear invitation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While others can expect that you tolerate (you don't need to &quot;respect&quot;, yo!) their choices in that regard - neither are your choices subject to anyone's judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To close the arc to the ethical reasons: You are probably at some level disgusted about food &quot;produced&quot; via practices that you do not consider ethical. Not putting inside yourself what you are disgusted about is perfectly your right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T20:56:33.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11826" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11785" CreationDate="2018-03-14T21:10:43.967" Score="70" Body="&lt;p&gt;With brief interactions with strangers, I agree with the other answers that there is little you can do. They are projecting their relationship insecurities on to you - this is not your fault, and something that needs to be worked on between them and their partner. This would apply to incidents 2 and 3, where you correctly just minded your own business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During interactions where you are conversing with the jealous people, and it would be inappropriate or awkward to discuss the situation directly, you may be able to help by &lt;strong&gt;validating their relationship&lt;/strong&gt;. After all, this is probably why they are jealous - because they are insecure and think you might be able to edge in on it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, what a great party, you and Bob have a beautiful home! I was admiring your wedding pictures earlier, you both look amazing and so happy together!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was talking to Bob earlier and he mentioned your vacation plans, it was so cute how excited he got, it's obvious you two are so in love!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, &lt;strong&gt;say something supportive about their relationship.&lt;/strong&gt; If you were looking to cause problems, you would be interested in pushing them apart, not talking about how great they are together. This should help her build a sense of security (yes, he &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; like me, even she can see it!) and see you as less of a &quot;threat&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also suggest minimizing one-on-one time with the husband out of respect for her, so there is no opportunity for accusations of inappropriate behavior. And when talking to both, try to keep your attention balanced if not skewed towards her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If applicable, you can also &lt;strong&gt;say something to show you are not interested&lt;/strong&gt;. For example, if you are seeing someone, talk about them. Or say Bob is really into football and you aren't, make a lighthearted comment about how you don't know how she puts up with it, since you could never be with a guy who has to watch the game every Sunday!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One caution: best to avoid statements like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're lucky to have a guy like Bob!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the potential to sound like you are interested in &lt;em&gt;him specifically&lt;/em&gt;, which would cause the opposite effect of intended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T21:10:43.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11790" CreationDate="2018-03-14T21:13:54.330" Score="16" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A few days ago she made a bet with me that I could not cook her a&#xA;  satisfactory dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She did not make this bet out of a purely academic interest in your culinary skills.  Nor does she expect you to pick something material like restaurant coupons as your reward.  She's already interested, or she would not have had a private dinner with you. She's likely expecting you to ask for some kind of future date together as your 'reward'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I am guessing that English is not your first language, and I'm guessing that she did not call herself 'vanquished'.  You vanquish a mighty foe.  A woman is not a foe to vanquish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T21:13:54.330" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11787" CreationDate="2018-03-14T21:22:51.837" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since no one else has suggested it, I'm going to say you should phrase it as &quot;Since you've been unavailable a bunch of the last times, I'd like to take over hosting the game at my place.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend is reasonable, they should acknowledge the reality of the fact that their schedule (or their partners, without whom they can't play?) is preventing everyone from playing, and they should accede without a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T21:22:51.837" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11829" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11813" CreationDate="2018-03-14T22:01:29.647" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like this comes down to a miscommunication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not that this miscommunication is anyone's fault, mind. It seems to stem (potentially, at least) from either differing definitions of &amp;quot;best friend&amp;quot; or from your friend feeling they are closer to you than they feel you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start by understanding why this bothers you. If it's just about putting words in your mouth, that's certainly something to discuss, and a much easier topic (in my opinion) to address:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe, I've noticed you speaking for me on certain occasions, saying things like X or Z. (Add in any other times of speaking for you that you can think of, because that detracts from the best friend thing.) I would like you to please stop doing this, as it makes it sound like I've said things that I haven't, and one day it could upset someone and start a conflict that no one wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; why this bothers you, and it truly is the fact that they assert they are your best friend, then consider the steps below.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer:&lt;/strong&gt; The remainder of this answer will not work for everyone. This answer may still result in you losing a friend over this matter. &lt;em&gt;This is a very tricky topic to discuss without hurting feelings.&lt;/em&gt; Consider your friend's personality before using this approach. And &lt;strong&gt;consider how worth the risk of losing this friend it is to correct this behavior before taking any steps to do so.&lt;/strong&gt; Of all possible solutions I can think of, &lt;strong&gt;most have a high chance of upsetting or hurting the other person.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry for the use of bold, but I find this incredibly important to stress. &lt;em&gt;This topic may well end in disaster no matter how you handle it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Different Definitions&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the case, and you won't know until a conversation is had, then a discussion on your definition versus theirs may be in order. How do you define &amp;quot;best friend&amp;quot;? Is it your oldest friend? The friend you spend the most time with? The friend who has had your back the most often? Your first step should be understanding your own feelings on the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This definition can be as loose or as strict as you like. This may even lead to you reevaluating this whole situation, though it sounds like it will not. It sounds to me like you already have some sort of picture of your definition of &amp;quot;best friend&amp;quot; in your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've sorted out your definition, find a time when you and this friend are alone. You &lt;em&gt;do not&lt;/em&gt; want to make this a public discussion. That will only guarantee hurt for your friend, and make you look like a jerk. (I assume you are aware of this, but other readers may not be.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start this discussion by talking about them and how they feel about &amp;quot;best friends&amp;quot;, such as by asking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, Joe, I've been wondering lately... What does &amp;quot;best friend&amp;quot; mean to you? How do you define who is your best friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This opens the door to the possibility that they have the same definition. If they don't, continue by explaining your definition. (Assumptions about your definition are made here, so sub as needed.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hadn't ever thought of it that way- To me, a best friend has always been the person who has been there for me the longest and through the worst of things. Unfortunately, by my definition and how I feel about things, it's not right to have more than one best friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This starts to pin the blame on yourself. Remember, likely no one is at fault, but you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; want you friend to feel accused of being to blame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From here, they may understand immediately where things are going. They may not. If they do and wish to stop discussing things, &lt;em&gt;drop it.&lt;/em&gt; Do not push them for a conversation they are not emotionally prepared for. If they don't, you may need to explain further, such as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are a great friend, because X, Y, and Z. But Rob has been my best friend by my definition for years, and you're not &lt;em&gt;quite&lt;/em&gt; there yet. I feel uncomfortable when I hear you tell people you're my best friend- You are one of my great friends, and I have (only a few, many, a handful) of those, but you are not my best friend by my definition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you feel necessary, add how you think this would make them feel, or apologize for telling them this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;They may take this poorly. Not everyone can handle this conversation.&lt;/em&gt; See the disclaimer above one more time. I don't advise this for emotionally clingy people, or for people who take things more personally than they need to on a regular basis. &lt;em&gt;Think carefully before having this conversation.&lt;/em&gt; Once more, read the disclaimer again. Seriously. I want anyone considering any of these answers, as great as they may be, to carefully consider how important this issue is to them versus the risk of losing this friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Feeling closer than they are&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, likewise, is a tricky topic. Your definition question should still be the start of this discussion, to rule that approach out. If they have the same, or incredibly similar, definition of &amp;quot;best friend&amp;quot; as yours, consider the following.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're on the same page, then! That's how I feel about best friends, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could be a point to say something along the lines of, &amp;quot;This is why we're such great friends, we think alike so often&amp;quot; or some such, if this is the case. You want to reinforce that you find them a good friend or a great friend, depending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, you will likely want to follow with a similar vein as the end of the previous approach. Heck, it may even be the same ending. But &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt; to turn it so it cannot be taken as their fault that they feel differently about the title, for lack of a better term, than you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, &lt;em&gt;this may not end well.&lt;/em&gt; Again, &lt;em&gt;re-read the disclaimer.&lt;/em&gt; Have you read it again? Read it once more. Memorize its message. &lt;em&gt;This is a topic that many people can and may take incredibly poorly.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Conclusion&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've used a lot more bold and italics than I like to in this post, but I want to make it crystal clear that none of these answers can possible guarantee that your friend will 1) change their behavior or 2) take this without getting upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll end with this, because I really feel I cannot stress this enough: &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No matter how you word this conversation, and no matter how close you two are as friends, you may lose them over this conversation. Is this behavior really worth it to you to lose this friend?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T22:01:29.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-14T23:49:34.047" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of other answers have tried to tackle conveying your whole worldview in a nutshell that works for everyone. That just won't fly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a nondrinker, nonsmoker. This is pretty rare, and gets similar looks as vegans. When people ask why I don't drink, it's usually not a &quot;genuine&quot; question (in the sense that they want to know more about me), but rather an idly curious question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer is usually &quot;I never got into it, don't really like the taste or the effect. I know I could learn to like it, and there's a whole world of alcohol [in your case, meat] out there, but I just don't really feel like it. Maybe later.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No question of ethics, morals, judgement of lifestyles, just personal preference. Maybe our dietary decisions &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; come about from thoughtful inspection of how best to live one's life. But unless the asker is genuinely trying to learn more about your outlook as a person, that's really not relevant. What's relevant is you don't really want to do it, even though you know you could.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2321" LastActivityDate="2018-03-14T23:49:34.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11833" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-15T01:04:52.550" Score="3" ViewCount="753" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note- I used the 'United-States' tag, but this takes place on the US-Canada border.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: There is an event that everyone is excited for but me, and I don't know how to convince people I don't want to go to it. Each member of my friend group wants me to attend for their own reasons, none of which are persuasive in the least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the school which I attend, there is a very large annual event. It is incredibly similar to a secondary school prom or ball, with the exception of this being larger and mounting a more general assault on the senses. I'm sorry if I take a harsh tone, but I just find events like this generally irksome and pointless. I dislike the event, and the night of it is often one which I dread, as it generally spills out, disrupting the area (or the few people in the area that aren't in attendance). I find the entire event, top to bottom, distasteful. None of my friends share this conviction. All of them are incredibly excited for this event, for varying reasons. They talk excitedly about it incessantly, which I understand- they are excited for an event they love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is one thing that they cannot seem to wrap their heads around: I don't want to go to the event. They know that I avoid social situations of pretty much any stripe, and the ones I do go to are chosen with care. They have tried in the past to coax me into more social situations, an effort which has proven largely fruitless. I simply continued in my ways until they got bored with me and moved on to other pursuits, leaving our friendship intact, unharmed, and somewhat strengthened. I was surprised by this last point, but it is undeniable that my refusal to engage in whatever inane task they are currently involved in strengthened my friendship with each one of my friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation is, in my eyes, no different from any other social event I avoid- it is another large, mindless cluster that I want no part in. But to most of my friend group, there is something that sets this event apart, which has made them redouble their efforts to convince me to attend. Initial efforts were asking me repeatedly if I intended to attend, and, when I invariably responded that I do not, they begin to question me as to why. After a few of these question-and-answer sessions that got them nowhere, they changed tactics. They attempted to put me in situations where it could be potentially embarrassing for me to say I am not going to the event. An example of this is one of them asking me for incredibly specific advice about a situation, and, once down the rabbit hole of 'what-ifs', they ask that I be there to make sure nothing goes awry with whatever they were asking about. This topic has spanned from dress color (which I was hopeless at) to chaperoning a couple (this was what tipped me off something was wrong- these people would never ask for, or want, a chaperone). These question sessions have recently slacked off, and I'm not sure what comes next, but they seem no less zealous that I attend, so something will pop up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The personal motives of the people involved vary enormously. One person, let's call him David, has recently broken up with his girlfriend, who he believes is interested in me (this was all revealed in a rather awkward conversation recently). I question the last part, but I am generally oblivious about these things, so I don't know. He wants to go as friends, presumably so his ex-girlfriend doesn't ask me, as rejecting her advances would be awkward for everyone involved. Another friend, let's call her Jess, is convinced that I avoid social events because I don't know what I am missing. This has fed her actions to convince me to go, presumably in the hopes of making me come out of my shell, so to speak. This view is incorrect: I avoid social events precisely because I know what I am missing, and I am very glad to be missing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most tricky of these motives to counter, however, belongs to returning co-stars, Alice and Bruce from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9393/dealing-with-a-friend-trying-to-get-me-a-girlfriend/9902?noredirect=1#comment38833_9902&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt;. One way this event is similar to a secondary school prom is that it is traditional to bring a date with you to the event. They view this as an ideal way to get me and Mary (another returning guest from the link) 'together', and have set about trying to get me to attend with her. This, needless to say, will not happen, both because I am not interested in a relationship, and because I am not interested in the event. They have been proving particularly difficult to deflect, for reasons explained in the other question- basically, he refuses to accept that I don't want a relationship. He refuses to engage me in debate, and as such proves difficult to deal with (I am not accustomed to people that don't accept a well-reasoned argument). Alice is no better, as Bruce feeds off her energy. I see Alice much less, though, which makes her more manageable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As can be seen, I have quite a problem. My entire friend group is aligned in an effort to get me to attend an event I do not wish to attend, for reasons I do not fully comprehend, in ways that cannot be accurately predicted. None of them, each for their own reasons, will accept that I do not wish to waste a night of my life being miserable. How do I effectively communicate to them that the question of my attendance is a non-negotiable no? How can I do this to the group, or, even better, to each individual person, addressing their own motives? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@catija What does it matter/what am I trying to achieve?&#xA;I am trying to get them to stop asking. Several of my friends (particularly Bruce and Alice) don’t have a good sense of boundaries. I want to make sure the issue resolves in a way that does not result in anything embarrassing for me, them, or Mary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@spagirl What have I tried? At the beginning, I went with just saying I wasn’t going, and supplying them with reasons. This is how I get out of most events. Once they moved on to the ‘advice’ part, I tried convincing them I wasn’t good at giving advice for parties. This proved fairly successful, but they have slacked off this method, so it didn’t have much time to test itself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8603" LastEditorUserId="8603" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T13:15:10.733" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T02:19:31.990" Title="How to convince people I don't want to attend an event?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11833" CreationDate="2018-03-15T04:15:05.713" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friends are already convinced you're not going to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They have tried in the past to coax me into more social situations, an effort which has proven largely fruitless. I simply continued in my ways until they got bored with me and moved on to other pursuits, leaving our friendship intact, unharmed, and somewhat strengthened. I was surprised by this last point, but it is undeniable that my refusal to engage in whatever inane task they are currently involved in strengthened my friendship with each one of my friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've even commanded their respect for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They know what you're like and at this point they're just going out of their way to throw things at the wall to see &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt;, if anything, &lt;em&gt;sticks&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;there is something that sets this event apart, which has made them redouble their efforts to convince me to attend&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point its really whether you can withstand their pressure or not, they already know the answer and want to try something to see if they can get you to change your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you can ask them &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they want &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; to be there so bad. You might get some better insight into their real motives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="461" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T04:15:05.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11837" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8772" CreationDate="2018-03-15T05:20:18.053" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;According to Indian context, especially from a girl's perspective,&#xA;they share chocolates with people who are close to them. If they share the chocolates and you are simply saying, &quot;thanks&quot;, without asking for a reason, then it will be considered rude, according to the girl's perspective. But at the same time, if you feel that you don't have to ask the question because of discomfort, then you are also right from your perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But at the end of the day, the behaviour of the human mind is that, if someone shares something with you without saying the reason, then the acceptor must ask the reason if he/she doesn't know. If acceptor is not confident about the reason for sharing, then he/she might ask the reason by asking the relevant reason for sharing. But you must ask the reason, if giver doesn't tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14294" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T06:27:23.130" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T06:27:23.130" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11839" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11844" CreationDate="2018-03-15T08:38:25.477" Score="29" ViewCount="8670" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who has depression and anxiety, they constantly think that when they do certain things such as state that they're feeling down or upset, or feel left out that I suddenly dislike them or have developed a sudden hate even though I understand what they're going through. I can't seem to be able to tell them that they aren't annoying me or getting on my nerves. They constantly apologise when they haven't done anything wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is how can I make this person feel like I'm here for them without seeming like I'm insulting their mental issues and also what can I do to try and make them feel better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14299" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T22:09:16.830" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T13:19:34.520" Title="How to inform a friend who has anxiety that you don't dislike them" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11785" CreationDate="2018-03-15T09:03:27.820" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not think you can do much. In this situation, the men and the women are mostly responsible for this : either the men stare at you with insistence (which becomes quite obvious after a while), or the women are very defensive/jealous/paranoiac. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases, you are just unintentionally triggering this whole mechanism, just as any pretty woman would do. You are not the issue, these men and women just create an issue between them and you are a simple trigger. This issue is between them, you are not part of the equation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I do not think you should intervene nor try to interact as it would probably escalate the issue to a point where you would put yourself into the equation without any benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Concerning your friend, I think you should talk to her and clarify the fact that you have no interest in her husband whatsoever and that she has nothing to fear from your as you are her friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10435" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T09:03:27.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11842" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11790" CreationDate="2018-03-15T09:21:37.217" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;I'm impressed by your good intentions.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your lady will give you the signs for you to approach her. If she smiles at you that is a very good sign. If she is open to talking to you and gives you the impression that she enjoys your company then you are already in-it-to-win-it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already don't give the impression that you consider women to be pieces of meat, that already shows an amount of character on your part. Build on this. Tell your lady friend just how much you enjoy her company and just how much you would like to enjoy it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need over-the-top means of flattery, just an honest appreciation of the time you spend together is enough for her to pick up on your intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3233" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T09:21:37.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11843" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11848" CreationDate="2018-03-15T09:21:41.580" Score="23" ViewCount="5907" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am living in a flat with 3 other persons, 2 females and 1 male. I am a 25 year old male too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some romantic feelings for one of the female flatmates, Alice, but we have never spoken about it nor do I think she knows it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice was having a little party yesterday at which I did not attend, however my door was open and she knew I was here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the party I suddenly heard my name a few times and then I listened closer and heard her talking about me - more precisely about an incident about which I'm not particularly proud. I didn't come out well in that story.&#xA;It felt very awkward for me to sit in my room and know there are people I don't know talking about me while I can't say anything about it myself. I didn't want to interrupt the party and let the group know I can hear them and that I am not comfortable with them talking about me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not good with feelings and am not quite sure if insulted is the correct word, but this certainly hurt me and I guess I will behave differently in front of her in the future because I fear she will keep telling stuff to her friends, which also makes me sad since I like her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I best let her know that this incident hurt me and probably damaged our (non-romantic) relationship without her connecting me with negative emotions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking about sending her a little text message, that I don't feel comfortable about them talking about me, since a text message shows that it's not a biggie for me. But I fear it might be just swept under the carpet in that case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are having a social event with the flat today and she is participating, so I would like to resolve the issue soon enough so we can all have fun. I don't know if I will see her before that event, so that's another reason for a text message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: for now I'm happy to keep a non-romantic relationship. In the long term I might want to change that, however that is not important now.&#xA;The incident was me being aggressive and rude to someone else. She was around while this happened. I'm sure I didn't scare her. I never showed any sign of violence nor did I ever do that in any other circumstance. The incident was a few months ago already and we have kept a normal relationship since then. It wasn't that big a thing. I don't want to get too much into details because of privacy concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user14300" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T16:47:32.410" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T13:48:58.850" Title="How to let someone know he hurt me without spreading negative feelings" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11839" CreationDate="2018-03-15T09:26:02.650" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a few friends who suffer from anxiety as well and it took me a while to really understand this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The short answer is, you can not convince them. The best you can do is to show them you like them, again and again. I mean in a normal, day-to-day friend way, not by saying you like them every few moments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all are a little anxious from time to time, but to them it is much more severe. They struggle with continuous doubt that what they are doing is bad in some way or that they might offend you and others by doing seemingly mundane things to the rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of that, it is very hard for them to hold on to this feeling/emotion of &quot;This person actually likes me&quot;. They can succeed in that, but know that on a bad day, they will doubt it all again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From personal experience, I found that the best way to handle it is to let them know you understand that they have this doubt every now and then. And that you will be there for them when they need you. Aside from that, just be a good friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found that trying to help by suggesting things or urging them to change is a bad move. It is very hard for them to change this and it will feel as if they are not okay or good enough for you and only make things worse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastEditorUserId="1685" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T16:59:58.923" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T16:59:58.923" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11839" CreationDate="2018-03-15T09:28:32.693" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think an important point here is &lt;strong&gt;timing&lt;/strong&gt; :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this person talks to you about her/his problem and asks you if it bothers you maybe that person will assume your response is under the pressure of the situation. Kind of like if you had no choice but to tell it doesn't bother you at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A solution to this issue could be to go and talk to that person at a completly different moment, probably saying something like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to bother you with this matter but you must know that I value the fact you share with me your problems. I'm always here for you if you need me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, the effect of coming out from the blue with this will make him feel like you are truely sincere about the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13649" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T09:28:32.693" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11839" CreationDate="2018-03-15T09:30:51.980" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person who is suffering from anxiety and depression, I can tell you what I would like to hear from my relatives when I having bad times and that I'm super worried of annoying them or that they don't like me anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do obviously depends on how close you are to your friend, both mentally and physically. But you could try something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell your friend that &lt;strong&gt;even if you haven't been there yourself, you sincerely try to imagine what they're going through&lt;/strong&gt; and that their suffering affects you because you like them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reassure them about the fact that &lt;strong&gt;their issues don't change a thing about your feelings and your thoughts about the great person they are&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Say that you're there for them and that &lt;strong&gt;you're open to discuss their issues if they're also willing to&lt;/strong&gt;. If not, then you'd also be pleased to chat and spend time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time people suffering from this kind of illness can be reluctant to talk about it because they struggle themselves to have clear thoughts about what they're going through (from my experience and those of some friends, at least). However indicating that you have no problem about the idea of talking about it could reinforce your bonds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another idea to explore is to find out &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.5lovelanguages.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;their love language&lt;/a&gt;. Basically, &lt;strong&gt;everyone has a favorite way to express their affection&lt;/strong&gt; (whether it's through gifts, acts of service, physical contact, kind words, ...). If theirs is words, for example, then you could write them &lt;strong&gt;small notes and letters with the memory of good times together&lt;/strong&gt;, or a quality that you value about them. It'd give them a bit a confidence and definitely reassure them about your willingness to be with them through their recovery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2020-07-18T13:19:34.520" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T13:19:34.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11839" CreationDate="2018-03-15T09:38:33.837" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, I took too much time completing this answer so I'm sorry for that late posting this answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clear that out: that is nothing you can clear out one time and after telling them they will never ever again feel like they're getting on your nerves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I got depression myself and I also got that one friend who I can rely on. I constantly got that feeling I'll mess up no matter what I say. This is something that can come with a depression and is based on the feeling that everyone dislikes you and it can't be true that someone is just your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to what my friend tells me when I'm in this &quot;I think you hate me&quot; situation. She tells me &quot;not to worry&quot; and that I &quot;don't have to apologize&quot;, well this doesn't seem like much but it helps and I don't feel like fucking up anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest obstacle for you will be to accept that this is not something that goes away with one long talk. We (guys with depression) don't think like this. You have to constantly ensure them they are worth your time and that everything is okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14305" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T09:38:33.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11843" CreationDate="2018-03-15T09:50:42.917" Score="39" Body="&lt;h2&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Non-violent communication approach&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a person with a strong aversion for arguments and violent discussion, so here's how I would approach her with this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Alice, I heard you saying my name last night during your party. I couldn't help but listening to your conversation and I would like to say that when I heard you telling the story of &lt;em&gt;the incident&lt;/em&gt;, I felt embarrassed and sad because I don't feel that this story gives a good image of me. I wouldn't like strangers to have a bad opinion about me before we even met. Is it possible that you avoid mentioning this story in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In non-violent communication, there are 4 parts of the process:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You mention the event that made you feel the way you felt&lt;/strong&gt; (→ &quot;when I heard you telling them about the story...&quot;). &lt;strong&gt;Use the &quot;I&quot; pronoun, it is very important to put yourself in the main lead.&lt;/strong&gt; If you start saying &quot;when you told this embarrassing story&quot;, then you're judging how she behave, and she could get offended. Obviously we don't want that because if she gets mad about it, she's less likely to answer positively your request.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You explain how the event affected you and how you felt&lt;/strong&gt;, so she can understand why this bothered you. (→ &quot;I felt embarrassed and sad&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You express your needs&lt;/strong&gt; (→ &quot; I would like this not to happen again&quot;). You explained why you didn't like the situation and explain what could be the situation in the future instead.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You ask your request&lt;/strong&gt; (→ &quot;Could you please stop telling this story&quot;). This is the final step of the sincere speech and the moment when she has the full background: what she did that made you say this, how you felt, what you wish for the future. &lt;strong&gt;Now be careful, she might not agree to your request.&lt;/strong&gt; But with this method she's more likely to be open to discuss another way to solve the problems of you both (e.g. she could offer to keep telling the story but not mentioning your name).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T12:44:17.590" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T12:44:17.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11843" CreationDate="2018-03-15T10:16:56.623" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I best let her know that this incident hurt me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not tell names. But let her know that I know in a less formal manner.&#xA;When you can talk to her 1:1, I would say something along the line of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Last time there was a party, I heard people talking about [ incident ]. It really made me look like an idiot, and it makes me sad...&lt;/em&gt; (with your own words, and the sad look/face that goes with it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go straight to the point, and tell her that &lt;strong&gt;she&lt;/strong&gt; hurt you, then you open the conflict. If you just say &quot;&lt;em&gt;I heard that...&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, you show the pain you suffered, but soften the guilt she might feel. Maybe she didn't do that to make a fool of you. By keeping things cool and low-leveled, you'll give her a chance to understand she did wrong, and apologize. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That also leaves the option of escalating or not, you either open the door or close it. It will depend on what she feels when you let her know, and her reaction. Tell, wait, and see...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T10:45:19.273" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T10:45:19.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11850" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11854" CreationDate="2018-03-15T10:19:20.637" Score="19" ViewCount="7376" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently got a new job, and I don't talk with people besides what is needed for work, because I'm in a time of my life where I don't want to interact with strangers if I don't have to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My colleagues sometimes ask me to participate some free time activity. Usually I can make some excuse, like &quot;I'm elsewhere just that day&quot; or &quot;I don't drink&quot;, or if it's a vague suggestion I can answer like &quot;maybe some day&quot;. But once the question was like &quot;let's do X some day, tell me when you are free&quot;. And X was something I couldn't find any excuse why I can't do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that he asked out of politeness and meant well. But he is in a position in the company that he is expected to be social with people, and I believe he asked because he was supposed to, not because he wanted to be social with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the situation is, neither one of us wants to go, but he is expected to ask and I'm expected to go. How do I decline this request?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="220" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:37:57.493" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T19:37:57.493" Title="How to decline a polite but insincere request" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;nordic-countries&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11850" CreationDate="2018-03-15T10:26:23.720" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be honest, and admit that you feel no urge to do X. There should be no problem with not participating in out-of-job activities. At the company I work there are activities around once a month, I usually join, 65% of the company never joins, and no one thinks that is a problem or odd. They just prefer to spend their evenings differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you keep deflecting the questions with a &quot;maybe later&quot; it's only natural that they will ask again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2848" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T10:26:23.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11852" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11833" CreationDate="2018-03-15T10:28:04.400" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It should not be difficult to convince a true friend that you have made a firm decision on any matter. Friends understand each others differences. Points that you raise in your post show they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; friends that have stuck with you despite these differences of opinion in the past, so you have every reason to believe they will accept your decision. I think the reason you worry that they &lt;em&gt;won't&lt;/em&gt; accept it so easily is because you don't understand why they enjoy this event, and so you may be overestimating the importance they place upon it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just because they want to go doesn't mean they won't see your point of view. You find the event &quot;distasteful&quot;, and this overrides any positive things that could be said about it. Someone else that finds it fun isn't necessarily your polar opposite - perhaps they just find that, in balance, the good outweighs the bad and there is fun to be had from it. My point is that your friends, with whom you share other things in common, aren't so different from you that they won't understand your feelings on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are probably hoping that you will see their view, attend the event and get something positive out of it. It also seems like they think your social life and love life might need some help, and they see this event as the answer. So they have your best interests at heart, they just need a reminder that you can make your own decision on things and shouldn't force you to go. But keep that in mind - it is a case of them doing the wrong thing for the right reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really then, all you should need to do to convince them is state your feelings. Perhaps say something &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate that you want me to have fun, but really, when I say I&#xA;  won't enjoy it I don't just mean I can't imagine how fun it might be.&#xA;  I &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; won't enjoy it, and if I go I will just feel uncomfortable.&#xA;  Thank you, but I have decided not to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T10:28:04.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11853" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11864" CreationDate="2018-03-15T10:34:50.980" Score="152" ViewCount="46626" Body="&lt;p&gt;My fiancée and I have been living together for exactly 4 years as of today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She and I have always loved video games, we both own several consoles (PS4, Nintendo DS, Nintendo Switch etc), we actually met online on one of the official communities of one of these consoles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She never played video games excessively, for instance, after no more than few hours she always stopped playing for the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's already been a few months since she started playing one of those pay-to-win games on mobile (games where you are supposed to buy additional in-game items to proceed with the game), it's called Final Fantasy XV: A New Empire, and it's basically a Travian-like game, where you have your own village, you can add new buildings, upgrade them, attack others, and have a guild.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The game has some pretty expensive add-ins, the average price is around 100 dollars, but they can go up to 200 or more. The minimum is usually 20 dollars or so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far she bought just 25 or so dollars worth of add-ins and that's not a problem to me, even if I don't agree with spending money in such a dumb and worthless game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that (I guess), not spending as much as her other friends on the game to buy speed-ups and make the game easier to progress. She plays this game from the morning to late night continuously, she doesn't work so she plays all day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even when we hang out together for some romantic time in restaurants and so on she always has the smartphone with her, with the game on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought to give her an ultimatum of the kind &amp;quot;stop with this game or I quit&amp;quot;, but knowing her she wouldn't accept this and she'd only get upset and probably leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to get involved in the situation to help her make the game easier, I set up a bot for her to automate some extremely time-consuming actions, but it didn't help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really care about her but I don't know how to stop this addiction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I approach her about this problem, making her aware of it and potentially finding a solution together?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I'd like to get advice on how to modify my behavior to help to adjust the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My objective would be to at least reduce the amount of hours spent on the game without compromising our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have already tried to explain this actually but with little to no results. I probably wasn't clear enough about the gravity of the situation so I'd like to know how to make the situation crystal clear and then possibly get advices on how to modify my behavior to start a process of change.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't actually care about the money; I care about the behavior and the quality of our relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has been playing this game for seven months already.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1816" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2020-11-01T21:09:47.043" Title="My fiancée is addicted to a &quot;free-to-play&quot; (pay-to-win) game" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;games&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="75" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11850" CreationDate="2018-03-15T10:36:37.883" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;It might vary depending on your native culture or language, but there are many who will not interpret &lt;em&gt;&quot;maybe some day&quot;&lt;/em&gt; as a flat-out &lt;em&gt;&quot;no&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, assuming that is your intention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel your colleague was asking because it is part of his job, I doubt he would take offence to being told &lt;em&gt;&quot;no thank you&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. I've worked for companies where colleagues try to plan events like escape rooms or indoor rock climbing, which are not for everyone. It's been accepted when I respond with &lt;em&gt;&quot;I appreciate the offer but it's not really my type of thing&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&quot;thanks but there are things I'll have to do at home&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Something that at least shows you're thankful for the invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen some extreme examples where managers cannot comprehend that employees have other things they want to do outside of work but generally a sincere but appreciative response should do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T10:36:37.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11843" CreationDate="2018-03-15T10:39:57.587" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Good answer by @avazula on how to approach it directly. If you want to get that off your chest, go that way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should also consider an indirect approach. It is just a fact of life that people like to gossip. They will always do it and the only thing you can do by confronting them that way is the make it more secretly. Also, you will add another story where you eavesdropped on her party, which can be perceived as creepy.&#xA;It would be another thing if that story was untrue, but as I understand your post it probably is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you had the rare chance to hear some of this gossip, you could also try to take it as a honest form of feedback and seek to improve Alice´s perception of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can try address the incident yourself to put it into perspective. Do this when it fit in during casual conversation. Something along the lines &lt;em&gt;&quot;Remember that time I became loud? Wow I am really not proud of that, would not handle it this way again. I really hope this incident is forgotten soon.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make your stance on gossip known by being a good example. For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if somebody tells a embarrassing story about someone in a group of people, counter with something good. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If somebody tells you in private, gently state that you do not care too much for gossip. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I even had a friend of mine once say in kind of an outburst &lt;em&gt;&quot;Sorry, but this a dear friend of mine you are talking about right now. He is not here to defend himself, so I really appreciate you all stop talking behind his back. If you have something to say about him, go tell him directly!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still remember this vividly as it impressed me deeply an got me to get a great deal of respect for him, standing up for his friends that way. If people respect you that way, they will automatically tone down the gossip about you, as they will feel guilty when they talk about you. Also make sure that you yourself never tell something bad about somebody behind their back!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you keep that route you should be fine in replacing past incidents with present experiences of you. They will still gossip from time-to-time but most people know not to take gossip too seriously and will form their own image of you once they engage with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T01:00:03.883" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T01:00:03.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-15T11:00:36.353" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Games are addictive and that is bad, every gamer above the age of 13 should know this. But if you are honest with yourself how would you react if someone says to you: &quot;Stop this game, I don't like it and you are spending to much time on it.&quot; no matter how you wrap it up. Thats not how your mom got you to stop playing games when you where younger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the problem is that you want her to instantly stop playing this game at all. You should start with something less ultimatum like. Let her put down the phone for some time like 2 or 3 hours and then suggest doing something romantic. The next you can make in a situation like this is: give the game to much attention yourself it doesn't matter if positiv or negativ, best is to ignore the game and concentrate on the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good approach could be to &quot;reward&quot; her for not playing the game or better for spending time with you (like @XtremeBaumer said). I know thats basically how you train dogs but well thats how my mom got me spending more time outside in my younger ages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how you approach this in the end: stay positiv don't get negativ with your actions, or at least try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14305" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T11:00:36.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11857" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-03-15T11:06:13.690" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Nordic person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nordic countries include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Finland&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sweden&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Norway&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Denmark&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Iceland&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:48:41.037" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:48:41.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11858" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-03-15T11:06:13.690" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in the Nordic countries (Finland, Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Iceland), or Nordic culture." OwnerUserId="220" LastEditorUserId="220" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T11:46:23.613" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T11:46:23.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-15T11:07:09.047" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I once had a similar problem to this with my partner. Luckily we too both share an avid interest in video games, which opened up some options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In spending time together, instead of demanding she give up the game altogether, embrace it yourself to some degree. I'm not saying play it yourself, but show some kind of interest in it. Ask your partner more about it, how it plays, what the story or objective is, what makes the game rewarding, how she interacts with others on it. Even ask her to show you her taking part in some event or group mission. Showing some genuine interest will help her realise that you are not going to be so hostile about the situation when it comes up in conversation. It will also, down the line, make it easier to approach her with any concerns you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another suggestion would be, seeing you are both gamers, would be to suggest spending time playing some local multiplayer games together yourself, even agreeing to set aside a specific evening each week for a few hours of Mario Kart or something. Again, among other benefits, instils confidence that you're not openly averse to spending too much time gaming, so long as your partner is not &lt;em&gt;completely&lt;/em&gt; ignoring you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of directly addressing the financial stigma of pay-to-win mobile games, when you are actually at a restaurant or out a walk together, calmly and without any demeaning adjectives bring up that it would be nice to spend more time together when it's &quot;just us&quot;. Let her know that you have no objection to playing games alone but that it's healthy for a growing relationship to spend time together without others intruding (&lt;em&gt;i.e - her guild-mates&lt;/em&gt;). Avoid criticising her personally and suggest it as something you can both work on together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your partner will quickly catch on if she thinks she is being &quot;rewarded&quot; for spending time off the phone, which may make her think she is being looked down upon. Approach it as an objective you have to &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; work on. Hope it works out well for you both!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T11:07:09.047" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-15T11:11:24.010" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;When something starts to interfere with your life, no doubt about it, it is an unhealthy addiction. There are several possibilities here and it may not be as serious as you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;She may not realise how it is impacting her (and your) life.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So start small. Just say tell her how you feel about it. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you thought about how much of a hold that game has on your life?&#xA;  You can't seem to do anything else for very long without checking on&#xA;  it. I'm worried about you. Do you think maybe it is having a negative&#xA;  impact on your life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See how she responds. You are not placing any ultimatums on her here. You are just putting the seed in her mind that it might be an addition, and she may have the willpower to resolve it herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;She may not see it as a problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this is the second possibility - she &lt;em&gt;knows&lt;/em&gt; how much time it takes and how hooked she is, but she doesn't see it as a problem because it is &quot;just a game&quot; and she isn't hooked on crack. You &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be able to reason with her and get her to see it in a different light. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These games where you pay to play are a rip-off, don't you think?&#xA;  People don't have to win by skill, they can just pay for the boosts&#xA;  and upgrades. There is no fun playing that way and no point trying to compete with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you're planting a seed in her mind. See if she reasons this out herself. She might think that one day the game will end like many games do, but paying to play this way is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; the same as paying up front for a console game. These so-called &quot;Freemium&quot; games are &lt;em&gt;designed&lt;/em&gt; to keep people playing &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; paying. They often never end. New levels and new upgrades are added all the time. I have tried to play games like this for free in the past and there eventually comes a point where no sane person can cope with the ads, or the hopeless odds stacked against you if you don't pay for upgrades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;It may just naturally come to an end.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said her friends are playing and she is competing. Are they all addicted? Will they all play forever? If they stop, she may lose interest. If you've tried the previous suggestions and she continues, perhaps it won't last much longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Or... she's hopelessly addicted.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is unlikely. Most apps and games are just a fad. But it is believed now that some people are genetically disposed to addiction. There may be other things in the future she gets hooked on. So try and help her to see how dumb this game is, but if you really can't deal with her behaviour then after all else has failed tell her how you feel. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have tried on a few occasions to tell you that I believe this game&#xA;  is having a negative effect on you, and on our relationship. I don't&#xA;  want to spend my life trying to get you to look away from your game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And hopefully you'll find out which she considers most important. You, and her real life, or the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T12:25:39.083" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T12:25:39.083" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11861" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11872" CreationDate="2018-03-15T11:59:26.703" Score="5" ViewCount="9231" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 18 and I live with my parents, I also have two younger sisters. Ever since I was younger until now nothing changed in terms of their parenting with me. I have to go to bed at X hours and many other things that takes out my autonomy. (it's kinda embarrasing have to end a conversation with someone because your mom orders you to go sleep at 11pm..). This occurs, I guess, because my parents want to give equal parenting to me and my sisters.&#xA;But that's not the point (maybe for another question?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: It's money that my family gave me and money that I collect for future things and can't go into my pocket basically. I don't have a bank account (and opening one isn't probably a solution because I'm not looking for a job right now).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As usual we buy things for ourselves, I, being a technology lover, likes to get something new from time to time.&#xA;The big deal is: i have my savings stored in a moneybox, BUT, that moneybox is hidden somewhere in the house and I don't have access to them. To use my cash I have to request my mom for that and with detailed information of &quot;what's the money for?&quot;. As you might ask, this is awful and even when she accepts my request she asks a million times &quot;is it worth it?&quot;. And sometimes it could go very wrong, like in the incident 1.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Incident 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I saw a sale for a game &quot;Rocket League&quot; and I decided to buy. Asked my mom and I get the usual questionary of the cash. She gave it to me the money I needed after a long discussion. A few hours later I saw that if I spend 5 euros more I get some DLC's which is a great deal.&#xA;When I said to her that I need the extra she got all pissed off (yes, she got pissed for 20€ to spend on a game).&#xA;Since then I really don't ask for anything else except on the holidays or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With these rules I can't simply buy condoms for the reason that she will ask me awkward questions about it and it sucks. So, since I'm 18 now and I don't want to be treated any longer like I'm 13, &lt;strong&gt;how can I tell my mom that from now I can/should manage my own cash?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Feel free to edit my question if something is misspelled or if I'm not being clear enough, thanks)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12962" LastEditorUserId="12962" LastEditDate="2018-06-09T11:57:45.643" LastActivityDate="2020-12-02T03:41:59.307" Title="My mom won't let me handle my money, what can I say?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11861" CreationDate="2018-03-15T12:31:41.547" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in a similar position to you maybe just a year or two younger when I decided I wanted to manage my own money and do what I wanted with it. A large majority of the time, parents keep money as they do not trust their child with the money or do not want them buying bad things such as drugs and strippers etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially the only thing you can do is tell your Mam how it is, that you're all grown up and that she will have to trust you some day. On top of this you should state that you find it diminishing and embarrassing that your Mam is stating such rules upon you even though you could be classed as an adult especially since this money is technically yours, she can't stop you from having it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this isn't going to work for you I could suggest getting a part time job and opening up a bank account just to get yourself some money and storing it away from your Mother which she has no control over at all especially since you earned it. Once I got my part time job (I know it can be hard, different topic though) my Mother started trusting me with my money as she noticed I wasn't spending it all and I was earning and saving at the same time so she couldn't really complain&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14299" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T12:31:41.547" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11843" CreationDate="2018-03-15T13:06:06.967" Score="6" Body="&lt;h1&gt;K.I.S.S.*&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it short and simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I prefer to keep that [storyname] story at a low profile, could you please refrain from telling that story?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You keep it in the middle that you overheard her, or where you heard it. You're simply stating you prefer that that story doesn't get told too often. Not at a party nor in a small company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she asks how you know about it, just mention you heard someone mention your name which got your attention, which isn't a weird response at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;*I Appologise, but I had to pun that.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T14:16:28.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-15T13:16:51.063" Score="221" Body="&lt;p&gt;Fact :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Supercell) generated &lt;a href=&quot;https://venturebeat.com/2017/02/15/clash-royale-clash-of-clans-push-supercell-to-2-3-billion-in-2016-revenue/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;earnings&lt;/a&gt; before taxes and other items of $1 billion, up from $897 million a year earlier. That’s an enormous profit for a company with just 213 employees and only four games on the market.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, a bit of background reading:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsion_loop&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Compulsion loop&lt;/a&gt; (in game design)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://joyofandroid.com/mobile-gaming-addiction/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Why Mobile Games Make You Their Slave and You Pay for the Privilege&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://web.archive.org/web/20180201101841/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/video-games/10451600/Five-tips-on-beating-video-game-addiction.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Five tips on beating video game addiction&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...And of course the famous &lt;a href=&quot;http://business.time.com/2013/11/15/candy-crush-saga-the-science-behind-our-addiction/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Candy Crush Saga: The Science Behind Our Addiction&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oldskool video games were only a bit addictive. Taking online FPS as an example, leaving during a game is rude but games are usually short, so you have an opportunity to leave after every game, and you can come back whenever you want. In this case, you keep playing because it's fun, and the biggest problem of these games is that they are too much fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Free to play (ie, pay to win) mobile games work on a completely different paradigm. They are designed to create addiction in order to turn the player into a cash cow. Letting the player have fun is only one of the tools in the toolbox to achieve this goal. Candy Crush is applied science (in this case, existing knowledge on gambling addiction).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A survey by Ask Your Target Market polled 1,000 players and found that 32% of them ignored friends or family to play the game, 28% played during work, 10% got into arguments with significant others over how long they played, and 30% said they were “addicted.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These games create addiction by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Giving you some fun, then taking it away. The waiting part is essential. You have to wait while your troops train or your buildings upgrade, or your energy recharges. Waiting creates craving and anxiety, it builds up the tension, until you're &lt;em&gt;allowed&lt;/em&gt; to have your fun again (or you pay).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Creating a rhythm: for example your energy bar fills up in two hours, and if you don't use it then it stops filling. This is designed to make you open the game every 1-2 hours, to reinforce the compulsion. Click on your gold mines! They're full! You're losing gold! The more evil the developer, the shorter the delay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Random events with notifications: Oh noes! Someone is attacking your village! Open the game now!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Random loot: this is also essential (see: RPGs). If casino jackpot machines always returned 90% of the coins you put in, no-one would play. It's the randomness that makes it exciting. The machine will return some part of what you put in (on average), but it'll do it only when it wants. So you have to keep playing in the hopes of winning next time. Maybe the next loot box contains a rare item?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;No end: Most games (except sandboxes) have an ending. In single player, it's the end of story, in multiplayer it's the end of the match. Endless games (like Clash of Clans) are specifically built for addiction. There is no reward at the end, and also you'll never get there as you either need to play every day for 5 years or spend $10k.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Social pressure: this one is the worst, as demonstrated by WoW zombies. If you can't be there for that 5 hour raid, your friends will hold a grudge!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Now to answer your question:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's a good plan to make her at least reduce the amount of hours spent on the game without compromise our relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reducing the hours won't really work, the game is designed to be addictive, so it will creep back in. Complete cut off is required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now a possible solution:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) Working on her defenses&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Read up on the stuff, and watch her play, take note of the compulsive loops in the game, understand this game and figure out what makes it addictive, with an aim to find the weaknesses in the game in order to dissuade her. Then...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask if she's actually having fun&lt;/strong&gt; while playing the game. Most likely not. These games hand out equal amounts of fun and frustration, and you have to pay to alter the balance in your favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After doing your research, &lt;strong&gt;explain the addiction mechanisms built into that game&lt;/strong&gt; (see above, that's why I wrote this) and show her how it's designed to sucker her into wasting her time and money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain how she's being manipulated. Your goal is to teach her how to recognize these mechanisms herself, so she will think for herself and come to the realization &lt;strong&gt;on her own&lt;/strong&gt; that she's wasting her time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Remind her the game has no end, therefore it's all pointless. She will get bored eventually, and will then switch to another game. The point above is also meant to prevent this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to make her realize that her addiction is a problem. There may be evidence in the house, like piles of unwashed dishes, big messes everywhere, piles of unanswered job applications, her being dressed in pajamas all day, etc. If she stays home all day playing she might also get health problems. When you come home at night, and ask her how her day went, and she only talks about the game, you can ask &amp;quot;yeah, but what did you actually do?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make gentle fun of her (Are you there? Do I still have a girlfriend?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) Social engineering&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Invite people (her friends) for dinner, board games, etc. Make sure it's something she likes and would love to participate in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has fun without her phone, then she's on the right track.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she spends the evening on her phone, someone will inevitably say something. Make sure this someone is not you. You will have more success in making her realize that her addiction is a problem if several people independently confirm, plus you don't have to be the annoying one who says it to her, it can be someone else. If this makes her think and she asks you &amp;quot;do you really think it's a problem&amp;quot; then yes, you should be sincere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3) Don't be too harsh&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she gets into the game to escape from something (like stress) then you don't want to add more stress, which would cause her to retreat more into the game. Also, when stressed, an addict will turn to the drug (that's why it's called a fix), so &lt;strong&gt;avoid confrontation&lt;/strong&gt;, be (or at least sound) understanding, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example:&lt;/strong&gt; if you talk about cancer to a smoker until they freak out, they will have a cigarette to calm themselves down. So this doesn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps her reason for escaping into a game is stress from not having a job, or your upcoming marriage, or boredom, unhappiness, lack of self-esteem, or any other reason. You should try to find out. If she tries to escape from unhappiness, giving her an ultimatum is pretty much guaranteed to backfire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also means no ultimatums, or blackmail, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this gentle approach fails, &lt;strong&gt;escalate to phase two&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Organize a week-long hike in an area without cell coverage. Or a boat cruise, whatever, anything you want. It has to be something she would enjoy. If you don't find an area without coverage, then make it a condition that she doesn't bring her cell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus you give her a huge reward: &lt;strong&gt;the trip she's always been dreaming about!&lt;/strong&gt; (she's probably been talking to you about something like that...) and you pay for everything! (if you plan to marry her, surely you can spare a couple thousand on curing her addiction)... in exchange for a small compromise on her part: her cellphone stays home. This is the enhanced version of the cosy social evening with friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says yes and you spend 2 weeks together in a tent and you don't murder each other, then you will end up a lot closer together...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this fails (ie, she would rather stay with her phone than go on a cruise with you) then let's be honest, the outlook is bleak, and you're gonna have to escalate to stage 3: &lt;strong&gt;Dread&lt;/strong&gt;, aka Cheating Simulator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point of this is not to cheat on her but rather to remind her that leaving her is a definite possibility if she keeps dating her phone more than you. It's quite simple to do: spend a nice evening with some friends or colleagues, leave her home with her phone, and mention in passing that you think Stacy has a crush on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a bit hardcore, so use only as a last resort. Not as bad as an ultimatum though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Now some loose ends:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she plays this game from the morning to late night continuously, she doesn't work so she plays all the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...Is she at least looking for work?...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even when we hang out together for some romantic time in restaurants and so on she always has the smartphone with her, with the game on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a total lack of respect. I would walk out, even if I said to avoid confrontation before. The reason is simple: you can't help her out of this if she doesn't respect you, and she can't respect you if you don't respect yourself, and if you respect yourself, you're walking out of the restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had the plan to marry in the next few months&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're using the past here, so you sound like it's canceled, at least in your mind. You can always reconsider if she comes out of it and wins you back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought to give her an ultimatum of the kind &amp;quot;stop with this game or I quit&amp;quot;, but knowing her she wouldn't accept this and she'd only get upset and probably leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well if she values the game more than you, then you're in trouble...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to get involved in the situation to help her make the game easier, I setup for her a bot to automate some extremely time spending actions, but it didn't help...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're validating her addiction. When someone attempts to quit smoking, would you offer to buy them cigarettes? No! It's much better to offer alternatives (ie, social life, for example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.stuartmcmillen.com/comic/rat-park/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Rat Park&lt;/em&gt; - excellent comic on addiction&lt;/a&gt; from LinuxBlanket.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="16939" LastEditDate="2020-11-01T21:09:47.043" LastActivityDate="2020-11-01T21:09:47.043" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11839" CreationDate="2018-03-15T13:40:28.130" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I too am dealing with PTSD myself. I freak out over any little noise, the wind blowing the wrong way, the sun, random friends stopping by to say hello, dogs barking, kids playing, fireworks, loud TV's, large crowds, small crowds, crowds of happy people and crowds of angry people. I have to sit with my back to the wall where ever I go out to eat in public, and have both eyes on all the entrances and exists from where we are seated. Just getting me out of the house I've been told can be an all day task.  For the record, I was brutally gang raped, pumped with enough drugs to kill an elephant and left for dead in a destroyed home due to hurricane Katrina. I had a lot of traumatic events happen all within a short period of time so I can relate to your friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of our past with others we have a hard time in finding trust in other humans, and consideration of what I had endured, you can't blame me for my lack of trust, however I do find ways to trust others, but doesn't come easy. The best way I find for myself is talk a lot, and be allowed to talk openly and candidly about whatever it is I'm saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to reply with conflicting statements, instead try to empathize with whatever is being discussed and offer possible positive solutions, we need help with boosting our confidence in ourselves - so try and do what you can to make that friend feel like they rule the world, even if it's just for a minute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12801" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T18:13:25.053" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T18:13:25.053" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11785" CreationDate="2018-03-15T14:15:56.447" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another suggestion would be to use non-verbal communication to express that you have no interest in that person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are a friend's significant other, not &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; friends, you will come off as just polite and that should be enough for these situations.&#xA;If it's a complete stranger, it will clearly state for both the man and the woman that you are not interested in whatever it is they are trying to convey (interest or anger).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) &lt;strong&gt;Put on a stern expression&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean you have to look angry, but smile less and show a respectful distance, avoiding leaning into the person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) &lt;strong&gt;Close off your body&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Crossing your arms and standing tall might be enough, you can still gesticulate if speaking to someone, but try to keep one arm crossed in front of your body.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would add, though, that you should reassess just how much responsibility you are taking on your shoulders to handle those entire situations. Doing this too much might make you uncomfortable and tired. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's up to you to decide if it's worth it and when.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6479" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T14:15:56.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11869" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12249" CreationDate="2018-03-15T14:23:46.663" Score="4" ViewCount="2857" Body="&lt;p&gt;A while ago, someone told me a rumour that stated that &quot;&lt;em&gt;either I wanted a relationship with a girl or she wanted a relationship with me&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That girl and I were friends, I was not against a relationship but she did not know this and she might have been interested in me. We were part of group studying abroad, both of us had the same nationality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This rumour was disclosed by an individual from this group who interacted pretty often with her group of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also showed various signs of attraction: she complimented my smile, she liked hanging out with me, her body language seemed very &quot;open&quot; (for a lack of better word) and she told her friends that she was looking for a relationship but she hadn't had any luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to know &lt;strong&gt;how I can know the truth about this rumour&lt;/strong&gt;. Should I ask for more details about the rumour from the guy or confront the girl directly? I can only communicate with them via online messaging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wrote this question because I would also like to know how to react adequately to future rumours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, I'm not interested in your opinion on the rumour itself, I'm interested in the handling of the rumour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10435" LastEditorUserId="15702" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T07:34:58.803" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T15:00:02.227" Title="How to check the veracity of a rumor about a relationship?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11869" CreationDate="2018-03-15T14:31:38.987" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask two things. How to know how truthful the rumour is and how to handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for handling, I would say leave it be. If  you like the girl, ask her out or try to get closer to her. If not, remain a friend. Regardless of wether or not the rumor is true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to know if it is true or not, you will have to ask the girl. You can ask the guy but it sounds like he got this information from other people, which means the information is possibly altered. (I am sure you played the whisper a sentence in each other's ear and pass it on game in class as a kid, it always comes out entirely different on the end). Which means you can not be sure of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you ask the girl it also depends on how she is as a person. Some people will tell you the truth about it, others will deny it and even others could feel hurt by it. Asking her this might be a too direct conversation for your bond with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal opinion is to let the rumor be a rumor and decide for yourself if you want to make a move on her or not, regardless of the rumor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T14:31:38.987" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11871" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11873" CreationDate="2018-03-15T14:35:37.583" Score="89" ViewCount="35344" Body="&lt;p&gt;Please note, I don't want to be mean or anything and I don't want to go &quot;fat shaming&quot; or things like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With my SO and a couple of friends, we planned a hike for this summer. The &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.le-gr20.fr/en/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;GR20&lt;/a&gt; is one of the most difficult hikes in Europe and is usually done in two weeks. I just offered to another friend to join us and he has automatically proposed to his girlfriend to come along too. She was there when I asked my friend, so they both said they would probably join us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Issue&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His girlfriend is overweight and doesn't have any experience in hiking trips (maybe 2-3 hours hikes/walking, but nothing relevant). I don't think that her coming with us is a good idea. Usually, for this kind of trip, you need to know everyone in the group very well and be sure that they will keep up with the pace. I'm also pretty sure that she can't physically do it right now without some training, but it will be impossible to reach for this summer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;:&#xA;How can I bring the subject up with my friend without offending him or his girlfriend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;(since conversation has been moved to chat)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I was actually being nice by saying overweight and I know this term could mislead you on what I mean because medically she is &quot;obese&quot;. Also there is really nothing personal with her. Once we have started the hike, we can't go back (obviously we can, but it's not the point). Hiking with someone you can't trust or be sure of will cause troubles. It could be dangerous for her, or anybody in the group. I can't risk that, the hike is dangerous itself on its own. The boyfriend is not that experienced too so maybe he can't assess the risks properly for her.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10455" LastEditorUserId="260" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T10:14:27.617" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T04:20:20.360" Title="How to tell an overweight person that the hike will be too hard?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11861" CreationDate="2018-03-15T14:42:30.260" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a few things you could do, depending on your situation and the character of your mother and you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For matters such as the condoms. Realise that all mothers dislike seeing their children grow up. It is letting go for them, and letting go hurts. My mother had this as well with me and my brother. What you could try (But this depends highly on what kind of person your mother is and what your dynamic with her is) is asking her for money. When she asks what for it is, just tell her. &quot;I need condoms.&quot; It will be embarasing, but also for her. And sometimes a mom needs a shock like that to fully realise 'Hey, my boy is growing up'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this can work badly as well. Especially if your mother is the type of helicopter parent or very old fashioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have said, get a job. This could be part time or a student job. (If these are options where you live). I had weekend and part time jobs from age 17 to 24, as I was in college. I made a rule for myself that I would save half of it into my savings account (the box in your case) and the other half I used to buy things I like. My mom found this okay, and was even happy I was putting money into my savings account.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Game specific advice. Again this depends on how your mom is as a person. I play games often, and whenever my mom used to complain about me buying a new game, I would retaliate with something along the lines of &quot;Well, would you rather have me snort coke and pump my money into that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My relationship with my mother is special, and many of my friends comment on our dynamic. As we swear more with each other than other families usually do. So again, adjust this to your own dynamic with your mother. But I surely think she would rather have you play video games then do drugs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make the point that you are old enough now to handle at least some part of your finances. What I did is that I agreed with my mom that I saved half of everything I got. Birthday money, jobs I did, ... I ended up saving more than that, because I did not buy so much after all. But you could get to an agreement like this with your mother as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, there is a thing to understand about parents. They care for you and want the best for you. And they want you to not make the same mistakes as they did. I am sure they 'wasted' money on things when they were young, or perhaps your parents are very hard workers and know the value of money. In either case, this makes them more defensive on subjects about money and makes them eager to handle these things for you. My parents were like this and it took a while before they fully trusted me. I still get lectures now and then when I buy something. It is just how your parents are. So don't expect this to be gone in a few months time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not about having them to stop doing that. It is rather about setting boundaries, and moving those as you grow older.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T14:42:30.260" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T14:46:12.553" Score="161" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Make the conversation about experience . . . and baby steps.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a regular runner. I compete at a DIII school, and I've been running for . . . maybe eight years now. I've been both the overeager person and the person trying to hold back someone who's overeager. It's kind of a difficult situation for everyone, sometimes exacerbated if the other runner is coming back from an injury and has set a pretty substantial goal for themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of runners want to try to go really far or fast really quickly. If you start from zero miles a week and try to get to forty a week in your &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt; week of running . . . you're going to get injured &lt;em&gt;really quickly&lt;/em&gt;. It doesn't matter if you're fat or skinny; you're simply not in shape. Doing too much too fast is not a good thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They key is to be encouraging by also matter-of-fact. At the same time, point out that it's not necessarily about weight; it's about the fact that &lt;strong&gt;this person has little hiking experience&lt;/strong&gt;. I'm not sure of the exact phrasing you could use, but should certainly point out that this is (I'm assuming) a widely-regarded difficult climb. If it's renowned for being hard even for experienced climbers, mention that. But don't make it about fatness; that has the potential for awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also - secondarily - encourage the girlfriend to take some baby steps, as it were. A straight &amp;quot;You're too fat to do this&amp;quot; is really going to discourage them from climbing at all. So what you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do is give them some ideas for doing some beginner climbs. Maybe talk about how you first learned techniques, and even - if you have time before the start of the summer - go with them on a shortish hike. baldPrussian actually suggested also doing a hike that's a bit more difficult: a &amp;quot;training hike&amp;quot;. That can better help your friend's girlfriend understand her limits, and better figure out where she's at in terms of climbing fitness - as well as giving her a bit of a satisfying challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T20:26:44.663" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11874" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T14:49:11.697" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whether they get offended or not is not completely under your control.  While it's not &quot;fat shaming&quot; to say that she's overweight, you don't need to mention it directly - be polite about it, and try your best to be diplomatic, however some people may still react poorly - such is life. This person may suffer some injuries, or generally have a bad time if she engages in this activity. Better to hurt their feelings than have them collapse from exhaustion on a mountainside. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start by forwarding some material to your friend about just how difficult the hike is. Forward it to the whole group, along with comments along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Guys, this is one of the most challenging hikes in all of Europe. It will take up about two weeks in which we will be ascending to an altitude of X, which will really tax your systems. We have x more weeks until we set off, and I would encourage each of you to start working out in preparation. Try to jog a few KM every week, etc. We will be miles away from any help, and if any of us are injured it will be a big problem, so for the sake of yourselves, and all those around you, you have to be able to handle yourself, and your gear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By painting a very stark picture of the realities of this hike you may well discourage this person from attending. However, if they don't get the hint, then you'll have to sit your friend down and be honest with him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John, I have to be frank with you. When I invited you on this hike I did not have your girlfriend joining us in mind. I understand that you want to include her in the group activity, however, as the group leader, and the most experienced mountaineer in our group, I have to say that I have major misgivings about having her with us. She does not have the experience or stamina to make this hike in the time-frame that we are pushing for, and she will likely hurt herself if she tries to meet this challenge with no prior training.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also point out that if two days in they can't keep up anymore, then he and her will have to return to the starting point all on their own, which would be highly unpleasant, especially if she has a twisted ankle, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point it's on him how to approach his girlfriend and resolve the situation. He may well choose not to participate such that the blow to her is softened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if he does not have that conversation with her, fails to convince her that it's not in her best interest to attend, or is otherwise unrealistic as to the reality of the situation, I would - as the group leader - talk to him again and tell him that you refuse to take them out on the mountain with you. The well being of the group is on your shoulders, and you should not take someone who is unwilling to admit the risks, and is likely to get hurt with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it comes down to it, it's one thing to be polite, it's quite another to become completely allergic to speaking the truth, especially in situations where this woman's life could be on the line. I advise diplomacy, and I always recommend being as polite as possible when breaking this sort of news. However, ignoring reality and smiling as if nothing were wrong is ill advised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T04:20:20.360" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T04:20:20.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11875" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-15T14:53:09.613" Score="1" ViewCount="983" Body="&lt;h1&gt;The Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My coworker is very self deprecating to the point where several of my colleagues are worried about him. He will make negative remarks on the quality of his work, and even himself, saying things like &quot;my work sucks&quot;, or &quot;I'm stupid&quot;. Additionally, he's taken to complimenting me in a way that is simultaneously self deprecating to him (for example, implying that I will one day replace him). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first I tried to encourage him not to say these kinds of things, but as time went on, and my (short) patience wore off, I'm just annoyed by him. This sort of behavior is annoying to most of my colleagues, but especially me, as I'm a pretty disagreeable and argumentative person, and this kind of behavior is particularly annoying to me (due to things in my past that are too lengthy for me to get into). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had several conflicts with him in the past, where I attempt to confront him about this sort of behavior, but I've failed to handle these confrontations in a productive way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These confrontations basically play out as me asking him to stop making these sort of jokes, and him saying that it is a problem with the way I perceive the jokes, and not the fact that he is making the jokes in the first place. That's the short of it, but the way these confrontations actually play out involve a lot of frustration from both him and me. I'm at least a little rude during these discussions, and he is very defensive, so we get nowhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I agree that I'm taking these jokes more poorly than most of my coworkers, I don't agree that these jokes are okay to make. They reduce confidence in him, reduce team morale, and make him difficult to work with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way for me to deal with this coworker? I have a lot of difficulty dealing with people I dislike, at least for long periods of time (such as someone I work with every day). The best I've come up with is keeping my interactions with him as short and professional as I can, but I have difficulty doing that without also making it clear that I want to talk to him as little as I possibly can (i.e., I'm worried that I'm still coming off as rude). Is that the best I can hope for, or is there another solution?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Management is aware of the problem, but I'm not sure how much, or what they can actually do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14330" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T16:39:04.143" Title="Dealing with coworker who is excessively self-deprecating" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-03-15T16:07:32.253" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11869" CreationDate="2018-03-15T14:53:25.930" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you should already know the truth about the part about you wanting the relationship, there is only the other part left. How I see it, you have 2 options to find out about the other part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Track down the one who spread the rumor in the first place OR&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask the girl directly&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you choose the second path, then something along these lines might be good:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, a friend of us recently told me a rumor which states, that you&#xA;  might have been interested in a relationship with me. I had the&#xA;  feeling that it could be very true, but I still wanted to know for&#xA;  sure for future meetings ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first approach is much more subtle as the girl will mostly not find out (unless she spread the rumor herself in hope it would get to you in time for you to react on it while you are still at the same place). Yet it is more effort than the first approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For future rumors it always depends on whether you want to know the truth about it or not. If its a rumor that is not including you, then its always safe to ask the persons it is addressed to. In the cases where the rumor is about you, you should go the subtle way and find out who spread it and why. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope that I addressed your question(s) properly&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T14:53:25.930" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11843" CreationDate="2018-03-15T14:57:49.143" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I best let her know, that this incident hurt me and probably  damaged our (non-romantic) relationship without her connecting me with negative emotions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your desired outcome is for your housemate to be aware that she has lost your trust (as per your comment elsewhere) and damaged your friendship. Let’s look at how that might go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Besinnungslos&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;: Housemate, you have lost my trust and damaged our&#xA;friendship&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Housemate&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;: How did I do that, besinnungslos?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Besinnungslos&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;: by talking to your friends about that time I was&#xA;aggressive and rude&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Housemate&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;: And how do you know about that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Besinnungslos&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;: My door was open and I was listening&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Housemate&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;: Well, a&#xA;trustworthy friend might have let me know he was there and &lt;em&gt;closed his&#xA;door&lt;/em&gt;. You, besinnungslos, have lost my trust and damaged our&#xA;friendship, which frankly was a bit shakey already after that whole&#xA;aggressive and rude thing you did that time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Besinnungslos&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;: ………..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And while that is a deliberately &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a realistic ‘script’, it does contain the essential reactions which your broaching this with your housemate are likely to provoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The underlying issue is that this tale doesn’t begin with her talking about you to her friends, it begins with you acting in such a notable way that people are still talking about it months later. People are reacting to &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; behaviour, and asking them to react differently is asking them to go against their natural instinct and give you a pass. If you want them to react differently, you probably have to try to change how they think about your behaviour subsequent to that previous incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously we don’t know enough about that to give specific advice, but here are some things to think about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Did you and the person you were rude and aggressive towards talk&#xA;afterwards to patch things up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Did you apologise to the target of your aggression and  to everyone&#xA;who was around the incident?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have you sat down and thought about why you reacted aggressively and&#xA;rudely to that person and how you can avoid behaving in that way&#xA;again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Did you ever tell the others who were there that you are not proud of&#xA;what happened?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, did you ever do things to reassure the people who experienced that incident that you regretted it and any effect it had one them and wanted to make amends and to make sure you never did something like that again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have done some or all of that then you might approach you housemate and explain that you heard part of the conversation from her private party from your room and though you really didn’t hear what they were saying, you could tell it was about that incident, perhaps something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really just heard my name, you know the way that catches your&#xA;attention, and enough to know you were talking about the time I blew up&#xA;at Joe Bloggs. So I just wanted to say again how sorry I am for that.&#xA;I really surprised myself, to be honest, and I’ve thought a lot about&#xA;it since I apologised to Joe. I understand how I can avoid making the&#xA;same mistakes again and I really appreciate how you guys have been so&#xA;cool about it. And I’m really sorry I didn’t close my door sooner when&#xA;I heard you talking, I’ll be more careful about that in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should be enough for her to understand that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have taken that aggressive incident seriously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want to avoid it happening again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You know others were affected  and have sought to make amends.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The fact that she was talking about it has upset you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You realise that eavesdropping isn’t cool.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thereafter you can only trust to her good nature to recognise that you have not been accusatory, or tried to dictate her behaviour, but that you continue to regret the original incident and that you know eavesdropping is a jerk move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you hadn't, in fact, given a though to the aggressive/rude incident since it happened, don't pretend you did. Be honest and admit that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really just heard my name, you know the way that catches your&#xA;attention, and enough to know you were talking about the time I blew up&#xA;at Joe Bloggs. So I just wanted to say that it was a bit of a shock to realise that incident is still in people's minds. I've been thinking about it since I heard you talking and I'm going to see if Joe will accept my apology, and of course I want to make amends with all of you that were affected and work on myself to make sure I don't mess up like that again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, in that scenario, you have to offer something to get something. You can't demand that something which made people uncomfortable is set aside and never mentioned, but what you &lt;em&gt;can do&lt;/em&gt; is try to demonstrate that you have learned that actions have consequences for other people as well as you, and sometimes you have to make amends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust breeds trust so you have to give her reason to trust you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T14:57:49.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11869" CreationDate="2018-03-15T15:02:52.530" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being open to a relationship and wanting a relationship are 2 different things. With that said if you're only open to it I would say don't act on the rumor just let things progress as they may. If you're interested in an relationship then I would talk to her about it and not the friend. I've been in a similar situation where someone told me a friend liked me and when I talked to my friend she said it wasn't true. We had a honest conversation about how we felt and moved on from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14325" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T15:02:52.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11875" CreationDate="2018-03-15T15:03:14.603" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a couple of ways to handle these sort of people, and there's also a couple of different reasons why this person may be making those &quot;jokes&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People's first instinct when someone makes a self-deprecating joke is to answer sympathetically:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; I suck at this. You will probably replace me in a few months. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Aww, don't say &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;. You do a good job!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes this behavior is born out of honest insecurity, and some people do need to be encouraged to recognize and reach their own potential. This, of course, requires a lot of patience, and is not really the responsibility of one's coworkers to manage, but you can step up with helpful comments every once in a while, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, other times people will use self-deprecating humor in a more underhanded fashion to fish for compliments. In other words they may be the sort of person who craves the approval of others, and may have noticed that behaving in this fashion gains him supportive, and sympathetic comments from others. This happens startlingly often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the reason why I suspect this to be the case in this situation is because of how negatively he reacted when you encouraged him to stop beating on himself. Most people would welcome someone saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, there's no need to say things like that! You're really good at what you do!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, he accused you of not taking his jokes in stride. This tells me that this person is perfectly capable of defending their choices and actions when they want to. If he were utterly lacking self-confidence he would simply crumble under the weight of your accusations - but he does not. He stood up to you in no uncertain terms. So why not defend his programming experience and decisions? Why deflect the subject by asking for your sympathy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the answer looks to be that he has no interest in doing the second, while the first brings him some sort of benefit. Like a child who knows to cry on command in the candy store because then mommy and daddy will buy him what he wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so, how do you handle this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way is to avoid this person as much as possible. However, you're still running into situations where you have to deal with him. And so, react in such a way that his behavior backfires:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; I suck at this. You will probably replace me in a few months. &lt;br/&gt; &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Who knows? &lt;strong&gt;OR&lt;/strong&gt; Yea, probably. &lt;strong&gt;OR&lt;/strong&gt; Time will tell, buddy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second you stop giving him what he wants, he is incentivized to cease that behavior (at least with you). Don't make your comments in a baleful, or venomous manner. Adopt a casual, matter-of-fact attitude. Act like your comments are as much a part of the act as his own self-deprecating attitude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe you'll find him far less likely to engage with you in this fashion once you've taken the fun out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T16:39:04.143" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T16:39:04.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11880" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-15T15:05:48.887" Score="12" ViewCount="2994" Body="&lt;p&gt;A little background: My girlfriend is a very jealous woman. She has had bad experiences with past relationships, and firmly believes that I am also unfaithful to her even though she has no proof. She is very jealous of any relationship I have with other women, which is pretty limited to my co-workers and family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days ago, an ex-girlfriend reached out to me. I ignored the phone call and texts. But the ex-girlfriend said in her voice mail to me that she is &quot;tired of playing phone tag&quot;. I am not sure why she said this, because I have not had contact with her since we broke up six months ago. I let my girlfriend listen (at the same time as me) to the message and she fixated on this &quot;phone tag&quot; bit of what she said. She now thinks that I have had ongoing communication with my ex-girlfriend and won't come off that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am very transparent with my girlfriend and I let her view anything on my phone any time she asks. I have nothing to hide. But she can't seem to get past this. &lt;strong&gt;What can I do on my end to help alleviate her concerns?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13827" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T23:36:01.063" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T08:47:09.060" Title="How to convince a girlfriend I have not been unfaithful" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11850" CreationDate="2018-03-15T15:08:11.843" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just as @Geliormth mentioned, be honest and tell them that you do not want to participate. There is no shame in not being interested in an activity. Most people understand this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone insists and keeps asking you why, just tell them that you are not in the mood to do company activities or activities with colleagues, that you would rather do activities with friends/family...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10435" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T15:08:11.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-15T15:12:32.953" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Addiction often takes root in something deeper. Maybe she feels socially isolated. Maybe she is desperate for attention, or depressed, or feels like her life lacks meaning, feels like there's nothing better to do than &quot;wait it out&quot;, or is just stressed out. You mention she doesn't work - why is that? Does she have trouble finding work? Does she find work repulsive? Is there something she wants to do, but feels out of reach? Most people I know are completely lost without working. It just leaves you empty, and emptiness is something addiction of all sorts readily exploits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't focus on the addiction itself. The game may be part of the problem, even a very large part of the problem, but it's also possible it's just the surface symptom of deeper issues. Do you talk about your feelings together? Does she visit friends and family? Have any hobbies besides &quot;the game&quot;? Did she lose all interest in things besides the game, or are there still things that you can talk about or do? A book she's reading, a show she's watching? Anything that would open a light-hearted talk can help. If she feels safe and comfortable, maybe she'll open up about what troubles her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said she started playing this game a few months ago. That sounds like quite a long time for simply &quot;an addictive game&quot;. Ignoring everything for a few days, a week? That's &quot;addictive game&quot;. Many months? It's probably not about the game. If you removed the game together, it would probably just open the way for some other addiction or problem. Now, this is of course why we have &quot;mental health specialists&quot;; depending on your culture, just referring her to one might be the best choice. But if that doesn't feel like something normal, try figuring out what her issues are - not by violently digging to the core, but by providing a secure environment for you two to talk about &quot;stuff&quot;. Are you someone she trusts? If you're not sure, do you know someone she trusts? Don't try to manipulate her - just try to gently allow her to open up. There's not really anything you can do to &lt;em&gt;force&lt;/em&gt; someone to do anything - escalating is something you do in total war, not with friends and family :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1729" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T15:12:32.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T15:37:30.823" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've got legitimate concerns. &#xA;A two week trip is no place to learn to backpack. Even if she was extraordinarily fit, this would be a bad idea without at least a few weekend overnights beforehand, and preferably a trip of at least 4-5 nights so she could get a feel for what hiking with a heavy pack really feels like and what kind of gear she needs.  That she's not as fit as the rest of you just makes her situation worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell your friend you're worried it will be too difficult for his girlfriend since she's an inexperienced hiker, has never been backpacking, and is less fit than the rest of you. I'd put the concerns in that order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Then propose a solution&lt;/strong&gt;. If she can prove her fitness and ability to keep up, she can join you. Go on a very strenuous all day hike with the two of them, or arrange a moderately challenging one or two night trip with them.  Make it clear that to do the difficult trip, these short trips need to be easy for her, because the longer hike is doing these for 14 days in a row, no breaks. If she proves that she can do the shorter hike with no difficulty, then she's proved your concerns are unwarranted and she's capable of coming on the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's said yes, I bet it's because she doesn't know what she's getting into. This solution has the advantage of warning her what she's getting into and reassuring you if she turns out to be more fit than you expect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2465" LastEditorUserId="2465" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T17:49:59.040" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T17:49:59.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11875" CreationDate="2018-03-15T15:43:13.197" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the best way for me to deal with this coworker?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[keep interaction short and professional]...or is there another solution?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good course of action might be adressing the issue on both sides, both your and your colleagues (let's call him Adam).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;His side&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adam might see a lack of skill compared to you and your coworkers. This could either be from him being a slow learner or just because he's rather new in the company. In both cases you could try and build up his confidence and attitude by pointing out his improvements. Of course you'd also want him to know that by keeping these remarks to himself he's contributing to the teams morale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could have a meeting with a relaxed setting in order to take pressure of the topic, prepare coffee/tea. Try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Adam, I'd like to talk about our work relationship. You always point out how inferior your work is and how we're dragging you along. From my point of view you have improved in A and also in B, ever since you and I worked together. There is no neccessarity for self-deprecation - you're doing quite fine and should not be concerned of your shortcomings. If you focus on improving your attitude you could instead boost the morale of our team, including yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adjust to your needs, work and team environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your side&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be open for change. The remarks he makes might just be his way of complimenting your work. It could only be your perception that elevates the issue to its seriousness. Changing your attitude takes time and openness. Be open. You don't want to get Adam (or youself) in trouble because he's kind of a pessimist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Adam:&lt;/strong&gt; Here's the code for review. Might not be as good as if you'd written it, sorry 'bout that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Thank you for the compliment, but I don't perceive you or your work to be any less worth than mine or anybody elses here. Keep it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bear in mind that change takes time. Lots of it. At first the change of behaviour might feel arbitrary but eventually it becomes natural.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13628" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T15:43:13.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-15T15:56:21.050" Score="102" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with a bunch of the answers, but here are my two cents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My money is on the problem stemming from the fact that she's unemployed. Back when I had a severe video-game dependency (namely &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RuneScape&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;RuneScape&lt;/a&gt;) I was a dropout from university, and I was using it as a way to cope with my problem. I had no aspirations, no wants, was socially isolated, depressed and un-employed. Tearing the games away from me wouldn't have solved the problems; they would have exacerbated them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that I'm back at university, with life goals and aspirations, I don't need video games in my life like I used to (I play about 5% the amount that I used to, but I don't get the satisfaction that I used to).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Find the deeper cause:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be frank, you should talk to an addictions specialist or a counselor. Find the root of the addiction, then solve it. If you really love this woman, you wouldn't just drop her an ultimatum and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't get effect and causality mixed up. Don't think the game is causing her problems with her life, when they're actually helping her cope. But don't think the opposite either, without any proof.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14338" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T09:08:31.237" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T16:50:52.143" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they haven't got much hiking experience, what's their gear like?  Are they used to hiking with it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do a training hike you don't just train your muscles but your use of your kit.  So before I did a 2-week hiking loop including the northern 1/4 or 1/3 of the GR20, there were several mandatory &lt;em&gt;full-pack&lt;/em&gt; training day-hikes, &lt;em&gt;in the boots we expected to use&lt;/em&gt;.  By the time we went everyone had also been on at least one two-day hike with a full pack, camping in between.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The approach of wearing in boots (and feet) and getting used to the load can be used to reduce the emphasis on fitness; hiking-fitness is anyway a better way to approach this than weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A further point in response to your edits saying she's actually obese.  I'd actually worry more about the descents than the ascents, for the sake of her knees (and yours if you end up lightening her load).  I picked up a minor knee injury, that nagged me for years afterwards, descending into Calenzana and on to Calvi when I was young and fit (and carrying around 25kg, because one of our group was struggling).  Her body weight alone will put a huge load on her knees going down.  If we assume for the moment that she trains hard and goes for it, she should probably train for descending with trekking poles.  In fact, you all could, which adds an element of &quot;all in it together&quot; on the training hikes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1866" LastEditorUserId="1866" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T09:10:37.280" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T09:10:37.280" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T16:53:16.590" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;This seems to be an example of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/66377/what-is-the-xy-problem&quot;&gt;XY problem&lt;/a&gt;. You say: &quot;trip is hard, friend's girlfriend is overweight, how can I suggest that she stay home&quot;. Issue here is that you are not the best judge of what is &quot;overweight&quot; and what is &quot;hard&quot; and how these two are connected. Don't try to solve wrong problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You real concern is that trip is hard and requires experience, and you suspect that someone might not be up to the task. Since you are the organizer of the trip, it is your responsibility to match people in their ability. Also it is your right to deny people you don't know joining, after all you take on responsibility for everyone's good time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So proper question to ask your friend would be: &quot;that's a hard trip, I am not sure your GF has the required experience since we never hiked together. Are you sure she is up to the task?&quot; However, if you do not trust your friend's judgement, then you can't use his recommendation, you have to decide yourself agains taking newbie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastEditorUserId="11991" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T18:20:19.207" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T18:20:19.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T16:54:41.050" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless you don't care, talk about everything but the fat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue seems to be that she lacks the experience to properly evaluate the difficulty of this trail (it is legendary) and what can happen if &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0CCT0map0M&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;things go wrong&lt;/a&gt;. I wonder how much that helicopter rescue cost...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also she would need equipment, preferably high quality and therefore expensive. Plus the plane tickets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're going to either have to nuke her misguided enthusiasm, or turn her into a fitness monster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the others said, show, don't tell, and take her on a hike. If she isn't used to it, and doesn't have the right shoes, she'll probably end up with a nice collection of blisters. Make sure you carry the proper bandages...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this is the evil part I'm adding: the next day, when every muscle in her body is hurting, call her at 7AM to wake her up and remind her it's time for another 20km hike, and it'll be like that for the next 2 weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T16:54:41.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11894" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T17:00:43.410" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't even mention her weight. Just show her (or them both) the website you linked, she(they) should be able to draw her(their) own conclusions from the description of the hike. This is an incredibly difficult hike, and the website does a good job at showing that. The description of the different stages is pretty self-explaining. Ask her if she feels confident in being able to walk in extremely rough terrain, downhill on broken rocks, for extended periods of time while carrying a 10+kg backpack. She can always &quot;give up&quot; at one of the refuges though, but I wouldn't recommand even starting it if you don't make it there in time for the night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, Corsica is a beautiful island, and she could still travel there and maybe do other activities while you are all hiking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12313" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T17:00:43.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-15T17:00:44.553" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;No idea if this will even be seen by the OP in the massive volume of answers, but I thought I'd add a personal viewpoint of my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am speaking as someone who has &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; eaten meat (not the same thing as being Vegan, but my experiences are nonetheless similar).  I mean ever.  I will be 45 soon, and from what I've been told by family members I simply wouldn't touch meat as a baby or young child, period.  I have no memory of this, but meat has simply never been food to me.  I know it is to other people, but not me.  I am also a total animal lover and will generally choose animal company over most humans, though I don't pass judgment on those who choose to eat meat.  It's their choice, I just happen to make a different one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that being said, I have been given endless grief of varying degrees about my choice not to eat meat (and many other things but that's outside this scope) my entire life.  My family was not vegetarian and constantly worried about me, harassed me, bribed and blackmailed me... same with &quot;friends&quot;, teachers, co-workers, you name it.  I literally couldn't (and still can't) go out to eat with anyone who didn't already know me extremely well, without my food choices becoming the focus of conversation.  The problem appears to be that people want a &quot;why&quot; to explain me, and there isn't one.  Unlike the OP I don't have &quot;ethical reasons&quot;.  Nor do I have religious, political, health, or any other specific reason.  Meat is simply inedible to me, period.  It doesn't smell good, doesn't look good, nothing about it holds the slightest appeal to me whatsoever.  But there is no singular &quot;why&quot; and people just can't deal with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally I'm getting to my point for the OP.  In my experience there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; no way to accomplish what you want.  Meat-eaters (making a huge generalization obviously but hey...) will never, ever, be able to get their head around it or see you as anything but weird.  Basically there will be two camps of people in life - those who have some kind of problem with it, are uncomfortable with it, threatened by it, whatever... and those who simply do not care.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been fortunate in that nearly all of my relationships have just happened to be with people in that latter camp (not intentional on my part, I just got incredibly lucky) so I have not had to deal with this crap from my significant others.  But people outside of that, even some that I still talk to who have known me for many, many years, just don't get it and think of me as &quot;just weird&quot; or &quot;I don't eat&quot; etc.  Kinda sucks but for me, I just choose to have very few people in my life and I really like it that way.  Quality over quantity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3271" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T17:00:44.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11880" CreationDate="2018-03-15T17:02:40.190" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly there is not much you can do.  You see, her jealousy isn't caused by you or your actions.  It's caused by her beliefs and insecurities, some of which may be subconscious. These are related to her personality and/or past experiences.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically she is choosing to behave in a jealous manner towards you.  She may not be able to control her feelings,  (I believe you can learn to do so to some extent but it takes a long time and a lot of practice.)   But she does choose her behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I do on my end to help alleviate her concerns?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) Be honest.&lt;/strong&gt;  Every little lie will be a confirmation in her unconscious mind that you can and will lie to her.  So don't do it ever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) Be transparent.&lt;/strong&gt;    Let her read your texts, and have access to your email/Facebook accounts.  Call her ahead of time your going to be late, etc. . .  transparency usually builds trust between people.  I'm not saying that you have a moral duty to let her read every email in your inbox.  That's just an example of being transparent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3) Stay calm, don't get mad at her&lt;/strong&gt; when she is behaving jealously.  You may be getting mad (even if it's justified) but it will probably be seen by her as you being defensive and having something to hide. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal advice.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the thing is it already appears from your question that you are being reasonably transparent, and that you are honest with her.  In which case it is unlikely that anything you do will ever assuage her jealously.  If she is jealous of you when there is nothing to be jealous of (even in appearance only) then there is nothing you can do to fix that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask her to change her jealous behavior.  Please don't ask her to stop feeling jealous.  It's next to useless for most people and will usually just make them mad.  But if she is behaving in a way that may harm your relationship, which unwarranted jealously definitely does, you have every right to ask her to change her behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make it an accusation, tell her why the behavior hurts you, keep it simple and specific, and express your love for her when you make your request.  For example you might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sweetheart, I love you and when you do -x- it makes me feel untrusted&#xA;  and hurts our relationship.  Can you please work on not doing -x-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for her to respond with both tears and then anger.  After she has expressed both tears and anger then she might be willing to work on her behavior.  Though honestly I suspect she has some very deep seated issues relating to her past that she needs to resolve.  She should probably see a counselor to help her deal with her issues.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't respond after you've made your request say 3 or 4 times. . . well you may need to sit down and consider if you will be able to put up with her jealous behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="14349" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T19:44:26.937" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T19:44:26.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-15T17:09:18.777" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;For me, the more recently I played videogames, the more quickly I will think to play them again when bored.  Do that a few times in a row and it's becoming a habit. I don't know how to break an addiction but it only takes about a month to break a habit. When I no longer had as many big blocks of time to play videogames in, my desire to play videogames decreased. Try talking with her so the two of you can come up with something that will keep her busy for a month and break the habit. I think it's much easier to plan a schedule that will keep you busy every day for a month then to stop doing something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, first an foremost: remember that you need to come up with a plan together. People are far, far more likely to succeed with a crappy plan that they believe in fully then with the best plan in the world that is forced upon them. I do mediation in custody disputes and our guiding principle is that our participants always have a chance to get heard and are never forced to agree on anything. The best way to understand someone's feelings and desires is to &lt;strong&gt;ask them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14340" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T18:08:42.917" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T18:08:42.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T17:11:36.737" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, would you commit to that much time - weeks - with someone you considered in shape but have no idea about their preparedness and knowledge with regards to hiking? Just because I run track and field and do P90X doesn't mean I know what goes in a pack and that I have the ability to carry that pack for days...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of assuming she's not fit - why not do trial walks? Day hike? Weekend trip?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Gain confidence&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You learn about her... she learns about you... you all learn where each other stands. You obviously aren't confident in what she can do... maybe shorter trips will change your mind? Some of the biggest guys I knew in the military could out run men half their size.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe they will change your friends mind? Hers? Teach them and help them gain that confidence...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Gain Knowledge&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also room to test knowledge, gear and preparedness (as @ChrisH's answer points out). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been awhile, but in the military we spent a lot of time prepping for long &quot;walks&quot;... clothing, extra socks, meals, water, etc. If you can ramp up that knowledge - whats needed for a day trip is different than a weekend trip... is different than a 2 week trip...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Gain Experience&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This takes it from &quot;fat shaming&quot; into educating others about the realities of long hikes, preparations needed and the road to achieve something like one of the hardest paths available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My points being... step back from assuming and shaming... and move into gaining confidence, knowledge and experience with someone else&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That experience and confidence in each other is needed before you can commit to a 2-3 week trip. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="415" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T17:11:36.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11899" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-15T17:40:11.173" Score="4" ViewCount="302" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often find myself starting sentences with phrases like &quot;I just want to let you know that&quot;, &quot;I would like to ask if&quot;, &quot;I am writing to discuss&quot;, or &quot;I was wondering if&quot; in emails. I could simply just let them know something or ask what I wanted to ask without these phrases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some reasons, it feels more polite to not directly say what I want to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a merit to the politeness argument?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I originally asked this on english.stackexchange, but I was told that interpersonal.stackexchange is a better forum for this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: I think the original question was not clear, so here is what I am asking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it true that starting sentences with such leading phrases makes the email sound more polite?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be more clear, I live and work in the U.S., but grew up in a different country. I cannot tell if my reluctance to write direct sentences comes from my cultural background, or it is actually more polite in the U.S. to use these phrase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13253" LastEditorUserId="13253" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T18:09:35.780" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T13:58:43.357" Title="Politeness vs. conciseness in writing emails" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-03-16T07:00:21.613" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11900" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11899" CreationDate="2018-03-15T17:54:30.213" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Politeness is the lubrication that makes social interactions flow smoothly. Like with lubricating a bearing, too much or too little politeness will reduce its effectiveness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are too polite and indirect you can come across as insincere, and can make unclear what your needs are, and how significant something is to you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aren't polite enough you run the risk of antagonizing whomever you are communicating with, reducing the likeliness that they will help you now or in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to strike a balance. There isn't an single politeness level that is effective for all situations. If this is some sort of regular communication, try to match the politeness of what other people are doing. When in doubt, choose the more polite option, but don't let politeness reduce the clarity of the message. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good way to strike a balance is to have a general but polite ask like: &quot;I was wondering if you could answer a few questions.&quot; or &quot;I would like to fill you in on a few things.&quot; Then be clear and blunt with the actual points you are trying to make. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T13:58:43.357" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T13:58:43.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11899" CreationDate="2018-03-15T18:13:21.777" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of this depends on your audience and relationship.  With close friends, it's OK to jump into the meat of the conversation.  &quot;We need to talk about sharing money for groceries next time we play D&amp;amp;D&quot;.  But even that sounds somewhat overly direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that it is impossible to read nuance into your written conversation and your readers will apply their current mindset to your writing.  If they're angry about something, odds are that they will apply what they're angry about to your writing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I completely agree with you that starting with these sentences is more polite and I'd especially recommend it in the workplace.  Picture these two e-mails:  &quot;Boss, I want to make you aware of something.  Marketing has called me at home at 7 at night twice this week.  I'd like this to stop.&quot;  That, to me, sounds much better than sending my boss an e-mail that reads &quot;Marketing has called me at home at 7 at night twice this week. I'd like this to stop&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first clearly tells your boss why you're writing.  The second opens with the problem, and sounds like you're complaining and dumping it in the boss' lap to solve it.  Quite frankly, if I got the second e-mail, I'd meet with the employee and want more clarification.  Why are you telling me this?  What are you unhappy about?  Are you demanding I do something about this?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only is it more polite, it clues your reader into &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you're writing.  With an impersonal communication, this is critical.  Otherwise you allow the reader to create their own assumption about the purpose of your e-mail, which will most likely be wrong and could be catastrophically wrong.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T18:13:21.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11903" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-03-15T18:30:57.280" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instant messaging is a large part of many people's lives, and a lot of people use instant messaging programs as the primary way of communicatin with others when they are not face to face, and especially so in long distance relationships. Some examples of popular instant messaging applications include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Facebook Messenger&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Snapchat&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Kik&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whatsapp&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Twitter&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used for questions regarding to instant messaging, a messaging service where the the receiver receives the message almost instantly, and as such allows the 2 (or more) people to have a conversation via the service. An example of this service are things such as Messanger, Snapchat or Twitter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For questions relating to the use of email instead of instant messaging applications, please use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/email&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;email&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;email&lt;/a&gt; tag. For questions covering the social media aspect more than the messaging, please use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/social-media&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;social-media&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;social-media&lt;/a&gt; tag instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T18:30:57.280" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T18:30:57.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11904" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-03-15T18:30:57.280" Score="0" Body="For questions regarding to instant messaging, a messaging service where the the receiver receives the message almost instantly, and as such allows the 2 (or more) people to have a conversation via the service. An example of this service are things such as Messanger, Snapchat or Twitter." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T18:30:57.280" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T18:30:57.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T18:41:07.073" Score="73" Body="&lt;p&gt;The website for that hike has a great page on the required fitness:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.le-gr20.fr/en/pages/page-9.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Is the GR20 for you?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The minimum capability is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You should be able to walk 3h00 steeply uphill, followed by a 3h00 descent on rocky ground, whilst carrying a rucksack of around 10+ kilos. You need to be at ease scrambling, walking on scree and large blocks. Below are some relevant UK walks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then it lists several UK hikes that help you evaluate an individuals fitness:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Ascending Snowdon by Grib Gock &lt;em&gt;[sic, Crib Goch]&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Descending from Blencathra in the lakes by Sharp Edge.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Scrambling along the Aonach Eagach ridge in Glen Coe.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are excellent day hikes and not only will you show the kind of exertion the big hike will take daily, but those of you with more experience will be able to refine your equipment and skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such I recommend you plan for at least two required &quot;shake out&quot; hikes before the big trip, planned close together (maybe one week apart) to give you enough time to fix equipment problems between, but not so much time that the difficulty and aches and pains from the previous hike will be completely gone and forgotten.  Make sure everyone's pack weighs at least 10kilos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear to the group that if, by the second hike, it appears someone is having a hard time dealing with the effort that they should withdraw and plan on training for a to be determined big hike a few years later.  There's no shame in withdrawing, but there would be a big problem if someone couldn't maintain the group's pace during the smaller day hike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be open and honest, and accept that someone might get their feelings hurt - that's far better than having to split up during the big hike, medical issues, or even having to end the big hike early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't bow out herself, make some backup plans.  Create a plan that has you at certain locations by certain times, and if she can't keep up create plans for evacuation for them at points along the trail.  If they need to rest for a day, continue on indicating that you intend to keep to the schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternately, make a plan for them to join you for only a day or two at a time during portions of the hike, rather than the entire journey.  Have them book nearby hotels and sightseeing for the days they aren't hiking with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastEditorUserId="88" LastEditDate="2018-03-18T23:16:52.620" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T23:16:52.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11839" CreationDate="2018-03-15T18:50:03.883" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Rather than thinking about how to &lt;strong&gt;tell&lt;/strong&gt; them that you like them, &lt;strong&gt;show&lt;/strong&gt; them that you like them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep inviting them to do things, even if they usually refuse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Call them periodically to talk about what's going on in your life and ask about theirs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Recognize important dates and events in their life, such as graduations, birthdays, births, deaths, etc. This can be as simple as a birthday phone call or as deep as a suggestion for a mini-vacation on the anniversary of the death of a loved one.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them about things that happen related to their interests. If they love superhero movies, for example, text and ask them what they think about the next installment of the Marvel franchise. If they are active in politics, talk to them about the latest court ruling or legislation passed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pick something they like to do or learn about and get involved with it also. In my experience, this is the number one way to improve a relationship with someone - meet them where they are. Make sure to &lt;strong&gt;ask first&lt;/strong&gt; if they would like to have you participate. Doing the same thing as another person without asking if they mind if you participate is tantamount to stalking. Also make sure you teach yourself all about it if the friend doesn't have patience with explaining things, or ask them for help if they love to help and teach.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Similar to the above, if they have few or no activities they like, they may have some depression or social anxiety. Brainstorm ideas for activities that they might like if they had someone to do it with and gently mention those ideas. Like, &quot;I thought I might get a simple costume and go to the Renaissance Festival this year. Do you want to go also?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding their unnecessary apologies, they are probably apologizing for their own benefit, not for yours. I've found the best response in those cases is to say something like, &quot;It's really ok&quot; &lt;strong&gt;once&lt;/strong&gt; and then let it go. The more you fight them on the apology, the more they will dig deep and be more inclined to apologize the next time. Not making a big deal about it shows that it's really not a big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding relating to their feelings, it doesn't seem to work to say things like, &quot;I was depressed before in my life also&quot;. Instead, if you feel like your friend is open to hearing honest openness from you, talk about how it really &lt;strong&gt;felt&lt;/strong&gt;. Like, &quot;I remember waking up every morning and feeling like there was a cold black rock sitting inside me - between my heart and my stomach&quot;. That kind of intimate communication is a hallmark of friendship. Look deep inside your heart, mind, and memory for these &lt;em&gt;specific&lt;/em&gt; feelings and events. Be cautious about talking about how you don't feel depressed any more. That can create distance because you no longer are in their position and they may feel like there are reasons you are happy and they are not. Let them conclude for themselves that if you got better, then they can also. You might casually mention seeing someone for help if you had that experience, but don't make it sound like a cure-all. Something like, &quot;There were days when talking with Dr. Smith was the only thing that kept me going.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5904" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T18:50:03.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T19:29:58.130" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps an easy way is to get &lt;strong&gt;her to back out&lt;/strong&gt; of the hike so you do not have to say anything that could come off as offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you could do is suggest that the group does a local day hike that is also fairly hard.  Hopefully everyone will say yes to the day hike.  During the hike your friends girlfriend with realize that she is not cut out for a two week long hiking trip and will decide not to go on the two week trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14352" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T19:29:58.130" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11910" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-15T19:31:56.753" Score="1" ViewCount="1385" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend I talk with &lt;em&gt;online&lt;/em&gt; and the conversations we are having are rather short. I would like to have more engaging conversations without forcing myself and the other person in a conversation we don't want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here an example of how the conversation is usually going, this happens when I start the conversation or when the other person starts the conversation. The conversation example is quite generic and the subject is always a little bit different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other: Hey, how are you doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me(5 min to 1 hour later): hey, I'm doing okay, little bit busy with school. How are you doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other(1 hour to 2 hours later): &amp;quot;something small about the day only responding about what I said, in this case busy with school&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me(5 min to 30 min later): &amp;quot;responds talks about something small about the day&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other(1 hour to 3 hours later): &amp;quot;short response&amp;quot; &amp;amp; I'm going to sleep, cya&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me(5 min to 30 min later): Okay good night&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the example shows, I response quite fast since I have my chat app open at all times, which means I see messages almost always immediately. The other person always takes more than an hour to respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me this is quite though since I don't know how to respond. This also makes me quite unsure if this person wants to talk, however I think this person wants to talk since I'm not the only one who starts a conversation. I tried different things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only asking about how their day was&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saying something about my day (as the example, also in my first response)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Responding to questions and not starting a new subject(to give the other person space to talk)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take more time to respond to messages, so I give more space&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to start a more engaging, online conversation with a person who gives short responses and takes a longer to react to messages?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goals&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Starting more engaging, online conversations with this person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give the other room to talk about what they want to talk about.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not being clingy/codependent (I don't want this to be the focus of the question) however the distance should stay appropriate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm not the only one who starts the conversations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We both are quite busy with school, however I'm not 24/7 working on it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T07:21:56.267" Title="How to create a more engaging online conversation with a friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-03-16T06:45:41.420" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11880" CreationDate="2018-03-15T19:55:07.913" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You cannot reason someone out of a conclusion they did not reason themselves into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She ... firmly believes that I am also unfaithful to her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot remain in a relationship with someone who thinks you are a liar and a cheat.  Tell her this, straightforwardly, in which case she either 1) recognizes that you have called her bluff on her manufactured drama, and drops the argument 2) decides she can not be in a relationship with a guy who refuses to flawlessly exclude every non-family woman from his life or 3) decides to stop letting your casual and totally innocent contact with women bother her, getting counselling if need be to make this resolution stick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she takes option 2, I suspect you will realize in a few months how nice it is not to be stifled by an partner who thinks you are a cheating pig.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T19:55:07.913" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-15T19:56:58.513" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Suggest a &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/05/20/tech-sabbath/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Tech Sabbath&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt; to her, one day a week when you &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; agree to turn off all technology and do some activities together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may come across as less hostile and one-sided to her if you both agree to do this together for your relationship.  And if the activities on the off day are enjoyable enough it might encourage her to put the game down more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if she can't make it through even one day a week without the game, it may help her realize the extent of her addiction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T19:56:58.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11787" CreationDate="2018-03-15T19:57:34.547" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read all of your answers and liked all of them, so this is what i came up with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have discussed this and we think running something from here fortnightly is a good solution for us. We would love it if you 3 will join us whenever you are free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's going to be pretty casual; we will play with whoever is there at the time. I'd love to have you join if you want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But 4,5 and six are more fun than 3 so I hope you make it more often than you don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T19:57:34.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11914" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-15T21:21:34.167" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your fiancée is filling her needs with the game. Her brain has found that it is easy and reliable to fill them with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These needs are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Certainty&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Variety&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;significance&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Love/Connection&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Growth&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Contribution&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I explained them in more detail &lt;a href=&quot;https://parenting.stackexchange.com/questions/33415/how-to-deal-with-excluding-my-son-from-the-favourite-activity-of-his-peers/33460#33460&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;. It might not be the end all and be all of models, but so far it has worked quite nicely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in order to take that reliable source away, her brain better gets something to use instead or the game (or other games) stays attractive. Creating a vacuum turns it into an uphill battle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people have found habitrpg to be a good substitute but you can just as easily invent your own quests and missions and rewards. It's the idea of substituting a bad addiction for a good one (using the term loosely). A life that is more attractive and more exciting than a game is usually a good way to go. Right now the game wins. Just remember: her brain makes the rules regarding what is exciting and what isn't, not yours. Study them, follow them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another trick is to ask her whether you can film her playing the game. She has no clue how boring she appears on the outside while she's playing. She just knows how immersive it feels when she's in her no good fantasy world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A risky way to get her attention (and you should have a plan on how to use her attention in a positive way as soon as you have it) would be to mirror her. Play a game whenever she is interested in you. She wants something, you start playing an online game. Pick one you don't like or you might join her misery. Also, it's hard to not make that look like mockery, so be careful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I fully agree with some of the others: making her wrong won't work well. You need to influence her opinion so that she decides there's better things to do with her time than that time sink. Never make her do something when you can make her want to do it instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Spend two or three hours a week to find out what both of you really need from each other. If she really gets what she needs, gaming will feel bland in comparison. And in order to perpetually give her what she needs, you need to get what you need. Design a life that beats the game in attractivity. Doesn't happen opver night, but it's possible and continuing improvements add up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This suggestion is not a quick fix, I agree, but it's strategic and tackles the problem at its root.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last word of warning: your fiancée's most precious resource is not money. It is lifetime. You never get it back once it's spent. Play 1000 hours of games and you get nothing back but artificial memories. Compare that to singing lessons, practicing drawing, dancing, muscle training, any skill building. Time you spent gaming rarely ever creates more freedom or makes your future more bright. I say that because you mentioned the money aspect of the game. It's minuscule compared with the loss of ability, freedom or, if you spend the time increasing income, money left on the table, that could have been gained in the same amount of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12148" LastEditorUserId="12148" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T21:59:28.047" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T21:59:28.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-15T21:41:47.500" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she really has an addiction, you should seek professional help. Addiction is a very serious disease, it cannot be fixed with a power of will or any kind of &quot;distractions&quot;, meditation, etc. (But certainly these things can help, if used along with psychotherapy.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe there are some self-help groups for gaming addicts, similar to those using the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, or something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I approach her about this problem, making her aware of it and potentially finding a solution together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a process called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intervention_(counseling)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;intervention&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Learn about the disease of addiction yourself: symptoms, possible causes, negative effects, etc. Consulting a psychologist is the best way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make up your mind if she is truly addicted, based on what you've learned.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For a certain period of time (e.g. 1 month), collect the proofs of her having an addiction. Typically, in case of gaming addiction, that would be time she spends playing each day, amount of money she spends, negative consequences of that (e.g., &quot;You were supposed to do X, but you've played all day, and now we have to deal with a problem Y caused by that.&quot;) Dont forget about your own emotional harm, because it hurts you when she spends more time in the game than with you. Write it all down carefully, count total time, money, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Confront her with collected proofs. This is where a psychologist should help you. Convincing your significant other can be really tricky, but you have to remember one principle called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tough_love&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;tough love&lt;/a&gt;: no matter how she feels about it, you should do what is &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; for her, not what she &lt;em&gt;likes&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After successfully convincing her she has a problem, you need to convince her to seek professional help.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you manage to do that, your journey of recovery begins, for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My objective would be to at least reduce the amount of hours spent on the game&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I don't believe in moderation. Of course, for problems such as bulimia moderation is the only option (because one has to eat), but in cases when you can stop the activity altogether (drugs, alcohol, gambling, video games), I think 100% abstinence is the way to go, I suggest that as a default option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6751" LastEditorUserId="6751" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T21:53:21.090" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T21:53:21.090" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11916" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-15T22:01:26.957" Score="4" ViewCount="1352" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend in the UK is sharing a property with several other people, which includes one couple (of both British and South American origins), which I believe are the landlords. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, they decided to set up a webcam (including sound) inside the house, at the entrance, which they communicated to tenants in a WhatsApp message, saying it was for security reasons, especially as they had valuable furnishings in the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting the legality aside (as this is not the SE for that), my friend obviously has felt his privacy is being invaded, as while it is a public space in the house, it is still in his house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is how to relay this objection to the couple, especially since he feels they may simply &quot;show him the door&quot; and refuse to renew a contract for him to stay there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My own suggestion was to offer to have every tenant contribute to a proper security camera monitored by a security company, but they could still &quot;show him the door&quot;, and maybe not everyone would be willing to pay for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disturbingly, the couple also made a remark based on the webcam footage about who a tenant brought home last night, and the comments didn't make it seem their concerns were about security nor unbiased.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8757" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-16T16:42:44.697" LastActivityDate="2018-12-16T16:42:44.697" Title="Resident landlord set up webcam in front of door" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11910" CreationDate="2018-03-15T22:06:22.410" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Compatibility as friends and &lt;em&gt;trust&lt;/em&gt; are really key here, I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of my most engaging conversations are with people that I trust, and these conversations last for several years.  Here are some suggestions, based on my own experiences:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Choose topics that are fun and gossip-y, e.g. who's dating who in your circle of friends, which professor is attractive and has a lot of admirers, what romance drama is unfolding around you two. When both of you trust each other enough to open up and gossip about things, the conversations really take on a life of their own, and it's &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; entertaining.  Nothing is forced; it's a very organic process, but it starts with you two trusting each other and liking each other enough as friends.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can then choose topics that are more serious - topics that you &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; care deeply about (so that neither of you are bored and wants to cut the conversation short).  Gender equality, racism, research goals, searching for a more meaningful life while at the same time balancing one's need to be able to afford basic needs -- these conversations between me and my friends are very lively and never ends.  We don't run out of things to say and think about.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the timing of messages, you should give people enough room to respond - it's not uncommon for people to get back to me in a few hours, a few days, or even a couple of weeks -- time flies, when one is really busy with school or work.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-15T22:13:07.347" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T22:13:07.347" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T23:09:57.593" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't make it about weight, make it about safety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do the safe thing.  &lt;strong&gt;Have. A. Clear. Backup. Plan&lt;/strong&gt;.   Plan for everyone going and plan accordingly.  Experienced backpackers should have no issues with this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you asked if this person has ever been on skree or boulders or steep trails with dangerous dropoffs?  Depending on how close you are with that couple, it may be worth asking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may help to talk about your own bad experiences with everything from blisters to being able to emotionally deal with other people for a few weeks in remote wilderness.  Maybe hearing someone speak candidly will be a cause for introspection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Practice hikes always make sense, do some.  Don't try to weed anybody out right away, just go through a normal routine of increasing weight and distance with each hike.  Require everyone do most or as many as they can but at least the last one for certain.  This is a passive, reasonable way to get the point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't just email the list out and be passive with some &quot;everybody read this, let me know if I can add anything&quot;.  As a group, be completely together like you will be on your hike, and discuss the backup plan.  It makes sense as a safety measure regardless of who is going or their abilities.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if something happens stick with the plan.  You may put forward a buddy system so if anything happens with the person in question, then there is a clear expectation the boyfriend and her are responsible for themselves.  This may lead the boyfriend to approach the subject so you don't have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13447" LastEditorUserId="13447" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T02:51:30.337" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T02:51:30.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-15T23:19:29.523" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Invite them on a try-out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many partner-oriented sports and activities where you'd &quot;practice&quot; with a new partner before committing to a big, difficult undertaking together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A climbing example: When meeting a new potential climbing partner who says they want to do something high, long and hard with me, I'll say &quot;Great! Let's go out tomorrow and do something low, short and easy together.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A sailing example: When meeting someone who's offering to crew on my passage to Hawaii, I'll say &quot;Great! Why don't you come out for an overnight cruise and we'll practice the watch-standing routine, some tacks and safety drills.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kind of thing can be done without a single mention at all about &quot;You're not in shape&quot; or &quot;You're not experienced enough&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you plan a one-night backpacking trip somewhere nearby down 3 or 4 miles of rugged trail, one of two things could happen: This person might really exceed expectations, perform fine, and start talking sincerely about her plan to fitten-up for the GR20, or, she could give up and un-invite herself once she realizes what your kind of hiking means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T23:19:29.523" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11850" CreationDate="2018-03-15T23:33:35.403" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first problem I see with your question is that you've assumed this is an insincere request. Just because it is &quot;part of someone's job&quot; doesn't make it insincere. If I were looking for an employee to plan or schedule team building activities, I'd select one with a good understanding of what the team wanted and who was able to come up with interesting things for the team to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, that raises the next question -- how to turn down a sincere, but unwelcome invitation. Because the answer to that question at least doesn't assume insincerity on their part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be honest. You mentioned your &quot;life stage&quot;, and I would use that -- &quot;I would like to do X, but I just started being married / raising a child / caring for a parent / decorating my new house / recovering from excessive joining, and can't at this time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People value honest and sincerity. Be honest and sincere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14346" LastActivityDate="2018-03-15T23:33:35.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11785" CreationDate="2018-03-16T01:12:27.523" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My guess here is that the reason for this type of reaction is probably something you're already well aware of: You're perceived as competition, and their response is that they don't want to be in a competitive environment; they feel threatened. Something like that, anyway. It's probably because they assess that you are making an effort. It's not only that you are attractive, but rather that you seem to be making an effort to be &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; attractive that arouses suspicion. I'm not saying that their assessments are accurate. Certainly, it would be a bummer to be on the receiving end of them. You just want to dress how you want and it makes you feel good to do so. It doesn't involve anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would class their responses/judgments under &quot;unconscious behavior.&quot; On the conscious level, maybe it's all very clear that you're not vying for attention or affection, you're not trying to be competitive with regard to how attractive you are versus how attractive others believe that you should be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess they see that you are making an effort, and some part of them gets suspicious about that. Maybe for no other reason than they see that as raising the baseline for attractiveness in the immediate environment and they don't want to have to go to extra efforts just to meet the average.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I would say that this falls into the category of unconscious behavior, and it is probably unintended. If you questioned them about it, they might very likely not have any idea what you're feeling, because they had been thinking/feeling no such thing. Maybe one of the reasons why having overt conversations about some topics can really help clear the air: They aren't known to be issues but they can be felt at some level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was just having a conversation about this with a female friend of mine. Imagine she heads to the pharmacy late at night wearing just a t-shirt and no bra. She just needs to pick up a few things. She passes someone in the aisle who gives her a dirty look. Again, it's some sort of cultural judgment meme about &quot;inviting attention&quot; or something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't determine how people will receive you. But the resolution here could be something to do with body language where you exude what you want to receive. The more self-possessed a person is, the less undue attention they tend to get. It's not saying you aren't self-possessed, but rather that some scenarios might call for really feeling into and asserting that side of your psyche. You aren't always able to tell people what your intentions are. Body language can have the conversation for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, yeah, when possible, it can be helpful to gently say things that convey you are not looking for companionship at the moment. To convey that it is beauty for beauty's sake, and such like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14368" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T01:12:27.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11899" CreationDate="2018-03-16T01:31:09.773" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In an American setting, indirectness in emails that very clearly have a point reflect poorly on their author because they suggest you have a lack of confidence. They suggest that you are unsure if your email is acceptable to the recipient so you want to either justify sending the email or saying what you chose to say. It is the digital corollary to &quot;phone anxiety.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Compare these two emails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Emily, I just wanted to let you know that while I was discombobulating the widgets I discovered a loose jam nut. I fixed it, so it's no problem, but I want us to keep an eye out for it in the future. We might want to think about how we can prevent this from happening again. Maybe we can bring this to the assemblers' attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Compare with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Emily, I would like us to schedule a meeting with the assembly foreman when you have an opening. Yesterday I fixed another loose jam nut while discombobulating widgets, so this appears to be a chronic issue. We should nip this in the bud before the next shipment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second email is clearly better. Why? Everyone already knows your job involves discombobulating widgets, everyone knows that loose jam nuts are not acceptable, everyone knows that chronic problems need to be fixed. The first email asks, &quot;Do you think it is appropriate to fix a problem we found?&quot; when everyone know that of course it is. The second email gets to the point about what it would look like for Emily to do her part in solving the problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if Emily thinks we shouldn't talk to the assembly foreman? What if she was running a test that caused a small portion of widgets to have loose jam nuts? She will tell you! You don't have to do her job for her, you just have to do your job, and it is your job to fix the problem you are trying to fix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14369" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T01:31:09.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11910" CreationDate="2018-03-16T01:44:12.063" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Online chat is probably not the best medium for building this friendship. If you don't hit it off on chat naturally, it's probably not worth it to keep trying to make chat work. One of the reasons people use chat is to have lots of short interactions without a lot of commitment to the conversation. You can multitask and chat throughout the day. If this isn't resulting in conversations that are meaningful, take it off chat. For this person, reserve online chat for basic logistical questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, find meaningful experiences you can have. Meet for a meal, a drink, or an event. Talk to them on the phone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14369" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T01:44:12.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11910" CreationDate="2018-03-16T01:58:49.977" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Chatting i feel is only a stand in for real communication. I know i'm not REALLY answering your question, but all in all online chatting is for :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Setting up a meeting/outing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Finding each other before the meeting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People who are unable to meet (eg. LDR)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being personally engaged in no 3. I do have a few ways to engage with my GF over chat or calls since we're so far apart. This of course requires you to know more about the person and be closer to them in general. Also, try not to start a chat when it's during times like sleeping, work,classes. Times like lunch or mid-evening when people are winding down before sleeping would be a better time to engage in some online chats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to ask more about what they mentioned, example :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Me : Hey, what's up?&#xA;&#xA;O  : Nothing much, abit busy with school work , and you?&#xA;&#xA;Me : work has been kinda slow recently, you got some big chemistry test coming up?&#xA;&#xA;O  : nope, just some worksheets given out for English class.&#xA;&#xA;Me : *more non-intruding questions about them while sharing bits of mine so it doesnt look like i'm interviewing them*&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There we go, but if the person doesn't elaborate them i'm sure they ARE BUSY and are not in the mood for a extended chat. People try not to go full explanation right off the bat because they look very full of themselves. A little bit of question asking goes a long way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T01:58:49.977" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11785" CreationDate="2018-03-16T02:09:51.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lady here who has experienced similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Dan A said you can't change other's behaviors - if these women feel threatened by you, or if they're just having a bad day and giving off hostile vibes you can't change that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put this into perspective, it takes psychologists - who are trained professionals - a lot of time to help people with insecurities. It also takes a lot of chocolate to make a bad day into a good one. Therefore if you spend 5 mins to 5 hours in someone's presence in a social setting, how can you even begin to address their deep seated issues or intuitively make their day better? Answer: you can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, if I'm in a situation where I can talk to the woman (e.g. a party) I usually take the time to compliment them or ask them about their interests. It humanises me and reduces the hostility. But if the person is on the bus or is already a friend, you can't do much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say, choose your values and choose how that will shape the type of person you want to be, and be it. Don't change who you are, or how you move through the world just because someone else feels insecure about you. So if a man at a party greets you, and being polite is something you value - just greet them back. If his partner death-stares you, well they just have different values - namely controlling who their partner interacts with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is painful/[your feeling here] when people are hostile because of some internal process of their own, it's also sad if you have to drift away from friends because they have different values. But I say better to sit with that pain/[your feeling here] than spend your life letting others dictate how you should act.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14371" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T02:09:51.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11833" CreationDate="2018-03-16T02:19:31.990" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't give them ammunition.  Every time you say &quot;I don't want to go because X&quot;, they take that as a cue to debunk your concerns about X -- X isn't really true, or it's silly for you to be worried about it, or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, say no in a way that leaves no loopholes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I won't be attending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask why, you don't need to say anything more than:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not to my taste.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they keep pestering you, just keep repeating that -- no, you're not going, it's not to your taste, and then add: please stop asking.  If they are your friends, they should honor your request -- especially when you stop providing them entertainment in the form of arguments for them to counter.  Think of this as a mild case of &quot;don't feed the trolls&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This general approach works with social pressure (events, recreational substances, fads, etc), pushy salesmen, evangelists, and that nosy elderly relative who won't stop asking why you don't have a spouse/children/PhD/whatever yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T02:19:31.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11930" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11910" CreationDate="2018-03-16T02:33:30.360" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speak in terms of their interests, I've found How to Win Friends and Influence People helpful in engaging with people. But a conversation is a two way street in my option, others have to be willing to contribute to the conversation in order to keep it alive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14375" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T02:33:30.360" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11916" CreationDate="2018-03-16T03:54:49.833" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I am in Australia so I cannot answer specifically for laws in the UK. However, I am pretty confident in saying that your friend's landlords are definitely breaking the law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nationwide, generally you can't point a security camera in a location that a reasonable person would expect to be &lt;strong&gt;afforded privacy&lt;/strong&gt;. In other words, it's okay to record the street directly outside your house, but focusing on a residential window or an enclosed backyard usually isn't allowed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some states here in Australia, there are additional laws about recording sound. For example, recording of private conversations &lt;strong&gt;without consent&lt;/strong&gt; is &lt;strong&gt;prohibited&lt;/strong&gt;. This can be a bit tricky to avoid; especially if you live in a tightly packed townhouse or apartment block. If you want to stick to the law, my advice would be to get the landlord to disable the audio and the camera. If they don't I am pretty sure you are well within your rights to lodge a complaint, with your relevant tenancy department.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bear in mind that the landlord will probably have their own rules and regulations about security cameras in place, &lt;strong&gt;but they must be aligned with the law&lt;/strong&gt;. And it must be in writing when signing the tenancy agreement. However, by law, all tenants have a right to their privacy and generally landlords are NOT allowed to put video cameras anywhere near or in view of a residence. Cameras are only possible in &lt;em&gt;common grounds&lt;/em&gt;/body corporate grounds that belong to the body corporate and not one owner of a unit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the unit complex is owned by one person, even then the owner has to form a body corporate by inviting tenants of the unit as members, or to hire a body corporate firm that manages all of that. At least the owner/landlord cannot just do what they want without other people knowing about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a final note, the landlord needs to apply common sense when setting up a camera, regardless of what the law says you can and cannot do. For example, you might be technically &quot;allowed&quot; to point your cameras towards a kids' playground, but doing so would be extremely stupid, and it opens them to litigation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise your friend to seek legal advice from a relevant tenants union and legal-aid center, and if the landlord still persists with their cameras, your friends can offer them a slightly higher bond for example, to cover some damage to their furniture. But even that is stupid because the landlord should have landlord's insurance to cover all of their house and contents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14377" LastEditorUserId="14377" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T04:23:00.383" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T04:23:00.383" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11880" CreationDate="2018-03-16T07:08:05.840" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;While others say you can not do anything, I think you actually can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume the phone tag bit made it sound like you are calling and texting each other, but 'missing' each others calls and such. While your GF probably will not believe you when you say that she can go through your phone for evidence, as you could delete it on your device, there is another solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your telecom provider has detailed records of who called you and who you called. Where I live, they keep this information for at least a year per customer, but often longer. They use this for various things. (They are forced by law to keep this information, but they can also use it if a customer says they did not call line x, so they can proof that they did.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can just go to a brick and mortar store of your provider and ask them to bring up the call details for the last few weeks or if you have the specifics, ask for that too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody can falsify these details aside of high level admins within the telecom company, who would not do this as the punishment would be pretty severe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personal and opionated advice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your girlfriend has suffered injustice in the past. And you should keep that in mind when she acts like this. However, she can not hold this over you and your relationship. Over time this will sour and kill the relationship. Even if you actually cheated in the past, it would not be okay to hold this over your head. Either you go ahead, and let this be, or you split. You can not go on and keep this over another person's head. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you have a long talk about this with her. Talk about that you realise how hard it is for her, and how she feels but also talk about how it makes you feel. That all your efforts are in vain and she still distrusts you. If you can not talk it out on your own, go seek help. There are professional people that help couples with issues exactly like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, don't leave it like this though. It will kill your relationship on the long term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T07:08:05.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11850" CreationDate="2018-03-16T08:11:49.840" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone uses a sentence like &quot;let's do X some day, tell me when you are free&quot; to me, I usually answer, &quot;Yeah, sure! I'll let you know!&quot; and then I never let them know because I either forget (and I actually do forget) or I just don't want to and I tell them I forgot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mostly, people will stop pursuing it after I've &quot;forgotten&quot; about it two times. If they keep pestering me about it, well, then it wasn't such an insincere offer was it? In those cases, I try to set up a date and time if possible, and if not, I just go with &quot;Well, I guess we weren't meant to do X together. Sorry!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works 99% of the time and the remaining 1% is family and they already know that I'm forgetful so they just set up a date beforehand and not just come to me with a vague suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2169" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T08:11:49.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11936" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11941" CreationDate="2018-03-16T08:11:58.867" Score="29" ViewCount="14351" Body="&lt;p&gt;My godmother told me about her friend whose son needs tutoring in programming. I contacted this woman, and referred her to my boyfriend, whom I thought would be able to be of more help than I. I gave her my boyfriend's number and Facebook account name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, this woman now keeps contacting me by phone text message every time my boyfriend doesn't reply to her son's message or something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's relatively polite and all, so I'd feel bad for not using excessively polite and nice words such as &quot;I ask you kindly&quot;. However, I'm very angry and I want to express my dissatisfaction with her constantly contacting me because of something my boyfriend did or did not do. It's basically like she's pestering Person A (who has referred you to Person B for help) when Person B is not available. I have nothing to do with it anymore! It's my boyfriend's responsibility now! My boyfriend is the one she should be pestering! Not me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there an aggressive and assertive way to tell her to stop bothering me and to bother my boyfriend instead, but still not impolite enough for her to be able to complain about me being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user14389" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T15:34:37.893" LastActivityDate="2019-07-29T11:27:00.037" Title="How do I tell someone that something is not my responsibility anymore?" Tags="&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11936" CreationDate="2018-03-16T08:20:36.283" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe tell her something similar to: &lt;strong&gt;&quot;If you want to contact him best try his mobile number xzy. And if he does not answer leave him a voice message or a SMS.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if she calls you again tell her: &lt;strong&gt;&quot;If you want to contact him best try his mobile number xzy. And if he does not answer leave him a voice message or a SMS.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you did this 2 or 3 times she should get the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately lots of people react just like her. If you recommend someone then they make it your responsibility. I suggest next time you recommend anything to anybody make sure you tell them you just do the initial introduction (or phone or whatever). That's it. Make it clear from the beginning that anything what might happen in the future is not your responsibility. Unfortunately some people have to hear that very clearly to understand it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastEditorDisplayName="user8838" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T08:33:13.340" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T08:33:13.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11936" CreationDate="2018-03-16T08:27:19.900" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there an aggressive and assertive way to tell her to stop bothering me and to bother my boyfriend instead, but still not impolite enough for her to be able to complain about me being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a similar situation where I was asked by someone to refer to my friend to get that person a job. When my friend was busy and couldn't reply, he kept contacting me, so I said him like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I did what I could. I gave you his number. Please call him. If he doesn't answer, try to text him on Facebook&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; or leave a message or voicemail on his number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;1. I added it for your case.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she calls you again, say the same thing again. Getting the same reply a couple of times will make her stop as it did in my case. If it doesn't, try a more direct approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't really do anything about this. I already gave you his contact details. Please try calling him or leaving a text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/11937/321&quot;&gt;@Edgar mentions in his answer&lt;/a&gt;, next time try to say that your job is done here, but don't say that it is not your responsibility anymore because it'd sound more rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2019-07-29T11:27:00.037" LastActivityDate="2019-07-29T11:27:00.037" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="11939" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11936" CreationDate="2018-03-16T08:53:00.657" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [first name], I'm a little tied up with work right now; please be&#xA;  sure to follow up with [boyfriend's first name] on this matter. &#xA;  Thanks - Klara&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is both polite and assertive.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are still persistent, you can say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [first name], I don't feel that I can help you with this; please&#xA;  reach out to [boyfriend's first name] regarding this issue.  Thanks - Klara&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, then you have to be a bit more firm, by saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [first name], I would like to reiterate that I am not the right person to contact regarding this matter.  Please speak with [boyfriend's first name] going forward. &#xA;  Thanks - Klara&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T17:42:38.850" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T17:42:38.850" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11936" CreationDate="2018-03-16T08:55:14.830" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;According to other answers, no need to repeat what I was about to write and that they already told you: you can use any of their option to let Alice know how upset you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But I'd rather deflate than escalate.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll focus on an important part that, IMHO, has been skipped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: Did you ask your boyfriend why he didn't contact her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: Yes, and he told me the reason, but that's not the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It IS the point!&lt;/strong&gt; And you even mentioned why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is that it's his responsibility now, not mine, and I want the woman to stop bothering me about it, and bother him instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you folks are playing &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pong&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;pong&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt; and your boyfriend is the net...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both go over his head...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to solve this, I would ask BF why he doesn't answer (doesn't want to? can't fix the problem? whatever reason...). Then, from there, &lt;strong&gt;HE&lt;/strong&gt; shall tell her why this should stop:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi Alice, sorry for not answering, but [ good reason not to answer / not to fix the problem ]. Will do it by [ day / week ] / won't be able to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't want to tell Alice, at least, he must tell you exactly why, and &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; can, honestly, tell her. Usually, people are more willing to understand and respect your POV if they know what's going on. In this case, she might just stop and look for someone else to help her son.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For years, and on a daily basis, I tell people/co-worker/customer the &lt;em&gt;why-and-how&lt;/em&gt;, and don't let them be in the dark. They appreciate, because they don't waste time waiting for something that will never happen... Honesty is an easy (but difficult, I know) IPS.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T10:02:37.870" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11936" CreationDate="2018-03-16T09:42:48.187" Score="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is the problem with favours and recommendations that come through family or friends - it mixes business with friendship/family and people have unrealistic expectations. Plus in this case the link is pretty tenuous - your boyfriend is being hounded by his &lt;em&gt;girlfriend's godmother's friend's son&lt;/em&gt;. Very few people, but by the sounds of it this lady is one of them, would see that as entitlement to special service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't say specifically that your boyfriend works as a tutor, but as you were happy to refer someone to him for this I am going to assume that it is something he normally does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you say to her needs to make her understand (a) that your personal relationship with your boyfriend has nothing to do with his work, and (b) that she has overstepped the mark with her persistence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you separate business from personal matters you can speak in terms of what you &lt;em&gt;do not do&lt;/em&gt;, rather than &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; not do&lt;/em&gt;. A business has a specific focus and either does something or does not do something. If you walk into a hardware store and ask for a burger and fries, they are most likely to say &quot;we don't do that&quot;, and this isn't a &lt;em&gt;refusal&lt;/em&gt; - they aren't refusing to go out back and cook you a burger because they are being mean, it is simply a statement of fact and the request was unreasonably out of scope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So with that in mind, perhaps you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I have nothing at all to do with my boyfriend's work. I was&#xA;  happy to refer you to him but I am not involved in his work&#xA;  activities. I do not forward any work-related messages to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you're not refusing to pass on a message. You're keeping it professional, saying that is something you do not do because your work and personal lives are separate, and hopefully you are steering her back into a more professional approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T09:42:48.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11916" CreationDate="2018-03-16T10:11:59.827" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know you said to leave the legal aspect aside, but if you are approaching someone to speak about a matter that may have a legal angle you really should know the facts first. Even if you aren't going to &quot;get legal&quot; in your approach, knowing your position will give you confidence in what you say. Also you never know where the other party will steer the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm no expert, but I am in the UK and I believe that a landlord &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; allowed to put a CCTV camera in a communal area (like a lobby, hallway) so long as (i) you know about it, and (ii) it isn't somewhere you have &quot;exclusive access&quot; to (it couldn't go in a shared bathroom, thankfully!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you (or your friend) are seeking an interpersonal way to regain some privacy (the removal of the camera) without losing their tenancy and without &quot;getting legal&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tricky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend voices his concerns and the landlord doesn't like it, he could as you say terminate his tenancy. This in itself may not be legal - I don't know - but you want to avoid this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly there may be some legitimate cause for complaint about the landlord's inappropriate comments over the footage he viewed. But again, if your friend raises that concern he could get kicked out and the only possible follow-up action would be legal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have your friend ask himself - would he be as concerned, or less concerned if the camera had been placed the other side of the door? The landlord would still be able to see pretty much the same things including who tenants brought home. Is it actually so bad?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is absolutely resolute about saying something and is prepared for any possible consequences, then the softest approach would be to raise the concern not as his own, but as if it he was doing the landlord a favour by pointing out possible consequences from other tenants. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am a little concerned about the camera at the entrance. Do you think&#xA;  that someone might complain about it encroaching on their privacy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then at least he may get to hear the landlord's thoughts on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he has serious concerns about his landlord - that his behaviour viewing the CCTV footage is &quot;creepy&quot; then the best approach may be to look for alternative accommodation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T10:11:59.827" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11916" CreationDate="2018-03-16T10:44:00.217" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get why the camera would be indoors as it is more secure indoors and not exposed to the weather.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The landlord clearly has little regard for privacy. Sound is not required for security. Comment on who someone is with has nothing to do with security.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to the other people to find out if they have a problem. If they do have a problem agree on a position and how to approach the landlord. Not renew all leases is much different position for the landlord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he approaches the landlord on his own just be open:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To me the camera is an invasion of my privacy. Are there other options?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on they did it in the first place I doubt they are going to take it down if only one persons complains.  Even if they say they will turn off sound you don't know if they did. I would want to see the microphone removed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Legality is not the purpose of this site but it would be good to know where he stands legally before approaching the landlord on this matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the current tenants agree to pay for external security for future tenants the landlord will need to charge them.  So that is not an automatic yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorDisplayName="user2848" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T15:57:49.137" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T15:57:49.137" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11946" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11948" CreationDate="2018-03-16T11:22:04.307" Score="8" ViewCount="2425" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 18 years old, have recently bought a semi expensive car for someone my age, and my Mam expects lifts everywhere if I'm not busy. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind giving lifts, especially to my Mam, but when I rack up an extra 100+ miles a month just driving her to pointless places, it's annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of this, she complains about my driving, and the amount of mileage I'm racking up means I'll be wasting money; yet she's adding to this problem massively (another question maybe).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get out of doing so many free trips for her, or potentially getting some money for it because I can't afford the petrol money and she's complaining about my savings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although we live in the same house:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've never been given a lift from my parents unless they wanted me to be somewhere I didn't. I was forced to get public transport or not go. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I pay her over 500 a month for board. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've been earning since I was 14 doing jobs on the street. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I bought, and fuel the car with my own money.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My Mam can drive but she no longer has a car because she couldn't afford it (so she should understand the costs).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14299" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T15:25:29.560" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T18:15:31.870" Title="How to get out of being a free taxi for your Mam?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11946" CreationDate="2018-03-16T11:50:48.177" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When being offered a lift by someone with their own car, it's easy for some people to forget that &lt;em&gt;it still costs money&lt;/em&gt;, it's just that the driver pays these costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Preferably not during a time she is asking for a lift, have a chat with your mother about petrol costs, how you're looking to save money and - where possible - you yourself are trying to cut down on the number of 'pointless' drives (not just those for your mother) as well. She would surely appreciate efforts on your part to save money. Rather than asking your mother for money - which could be a stretch if you're living together and have a salary - this may instead encourage her to ask for lifts less frequently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here in the UK and many other countries, it would be considered extremely rude to criticise someone's driving while you're in the passenger seat, unless they do something really stupid like go at 60 in a 30 zone! Next time she complains, explain to her as calmly as possible that you're not doing anything wrong and antagonising you like that really discourages you from agreeing to these lifts. Assuming you're an adult at 18 in your country, talk it out as you would any other unfounded complaint from another adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastEditorDisplayName="user8671" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T13:29:21.963" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T13:29:21.963" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11946" CreationDate="2018-03-16T12:30:37.553" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You need to work in some give-and-take.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps your mother wants to show off a little - either about the car itself, or more likely, about you having that car (and driving her around).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's about the novelty of you having a car and driving her around, this will likely pass. This might be a small luxury she indulges in just to enjoy the feel of moving through traffic without being the one at the wheel. Give it a few more weeks and see how it goes. After that, it might be that she likes the functionality or ride of your car - perhaps it has a big boot for groceries. If she is covered by your insurance and can drive, try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are the keys, Mum. I don't need the car until 5pm. Would you mind filling it up for me on the way back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;100 miles per month works out to about 3 to 4 miles per day on average. If we take petrol at 150p/L and 6 miles/L, that 100 miles works out to about £25 per month if I got my sums right. Topping up the tank a couple of times each month should just about cover that. If the tank is nearly empty, a single tank would likely cover a couple of months' worth of driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, it might be nice to indulge your mother from time to time. If you initiate some dialogue as you drive, the conversation might default less to complaints about your driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/11946/how-to-get-out-of-being-a-free-taxi-for-your-mam#comment47953_11950&quot;&gt;AndreiROM's comment&lt;/a&gt; notes, this addresses &amp;quot;having her impose on the OP's time, the bickering about his driving, as well as maybe getting some money back on the gas used&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't go far enough, or if you need to give up your car often enough that the car becomes a communal vehicle - and if you want to address it at a more fundamental issue, try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mum, can we have a discussion about the car? ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm quite happy for you to use the car when you need to, but it &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; rather a large purchase and I'm losing the sense of ownership of the car while still paying for insurance and fuel and so on - it's starting to feel like a communal vehicle but no one else is chipping in. I'm also struggling to make decent headway on my savings. Would it be okay if we went easy on the car for a bit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This brings up the topic in a respectful manner while putting the spotlight on the financial aspects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the topic of &amp;quot;driving her to pointless places&amp;quot;, consider something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind driving you to places when you need a lift. It's the round trips to nowhere that puzzle me. Instead of all these 10 minute drives everyday, why don't we drive to the park once a month for a family picnic?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The intention here is to change the negative issue of &amp;quot;driving to pointless places&amp;quot; to something that (hopefully) your mother and you - and perhaps others in the family - can look forward to, while reducing total unnecessary mileage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T14:55:20.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11951" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11946" CreationDate="2018-03-16T12:39:20.630" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's two elements here, the criticism of your driving and the giving of lifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as the criticism goes this is all too common sadly when it comes to parents being driven by their children and assuming the complaints are unfounded then this is absolutely something you can (and should) push back on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The giving of lifts however, I think you need to think of it like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you get cheap rent, including bills and food by living at home (if this is less then about £1k a month you're probably doing quite well out of that deal) and I imagine before you were earning you probably didn't pay &lt;em&gt;anything.&lt;/em&gt; The full costs of living away from home can be very high - and if you didn't have the subsidised costs of living at home would you even be able to afford the car you have in the first place?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I imagine before you could drive your parent(s) (probably your dad since if  your mum drove she probably wouldn't need lifts now) were doing a fair bit of driving &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; around to &quot;pointless places&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you're quibbling over 100 miles a month extra driving and a bit of your time? Seriously? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly I think you need to grow up rather a lot and realise that it's not unreasonable for a parent to expect an adult child (whom they are still assisting) to assist back in the ways that they can, like giving lifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastEditorUserId="6753" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T12:52:33.127" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T12:52:33.127" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11839" CreationDate="2018-03-16T12:42:52.437" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal experience here&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have somewhat similar anxiety.&#xA;I'm not asking for confirmation of the fact that people I like is ok with my presence. I'm don't want to bother them with such questions, but my fillings are similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What will help me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;call, text or other way get in touch with me. I unable to do it myself because I'm not sure that my call is welcomed, but I will more than happy to hear something from you. No matter what you up to. Just say hello or invite me to monocycle trip over the country. For me is very important that you remember me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask me to help you. It will confirm that I'm useful. Doesn't matter what you ask me to do. I'll try as hard as I can to be helpful, but be careful with this, cause you don't want me to popup with my own kidney in hand next to you door after you told me that you have some medical problem:)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;help me with my problem, nothing to explain here. Good friends help each other, but for me it is very important to feel support.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry that I bother you with my not helpful answer :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11825" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T12:42:52.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11946" CreationDate="2018-03-16T12:47:00.433" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am well qualified to write this answer because it has been an established family task for me to drive my mother or father everywhere if they ask, for so many years, ever since I became a competent driver in 2003. Here in India it is a son's duty to drive his mother wherever she wants to go (but not a daughter's duty) so the cultural background is very relevant to this question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even in UK where you live, an Asian or Middle Eastern family may have different cultural expectations in this matter compared to a native British family, because in many Asian cultures (and other &quot;traditional&quot; societies) parents have the moral right to demand &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; of their offspring, simply because of their massive contribution to making us what we are, though you can decide how true that is in your particular case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ideal interpersonal approach, if you have good and frank channels of communication with your mother, and especially if she is a reasonable and fair-minded person, is simply to tell her (when she is relaxed, and &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; you drove her somewhere, not before) that it is costing you money you can ill-afford and request &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to suggest some solution. That puts the ball in her court and she can decide how she would like to compensate you for your expense, or what alternative she might select instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things to be careful of, if you can have that discussion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make sure your mother is in a frame of mind to positively take this discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be sure not to put her on the defensive by accusing her of wasting your time or money. You should avoid any negative-sounding statements.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Emphasise that you are glad to help her by driving her anywhere but it is costing you, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;and that is why she finds you saving less money.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;So how can you help me to help you, Mother?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If having such a clear discussion is not possible in your family then one remaining option is to assert yourself by driving her most times when she demands but &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;sometimes&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; avoiding it with whatever excuses you think will work in the short term. That demonstrates your general willingness to drive her around while asserting that you are your own person and she cannot take your availability or co-operation for granted. So she will have to be prepared with an alternative means of transport for that occasional situation, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;pay for it&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, and also, hopefully, begin to think about the cost of your driving her substantial distances for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing to do after asserting yourself is to work out a system of recurrent reciprocal favors that will take your mother where she wants to go &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; make your time and expense worthwhile. For example, one of my young student friends age 20 routinely drives his father to work at a mobile phone company and reciprocally Father often gets him substantial employee-incentive discounts for data plans, freebies, etc. It could be anything... Maybe your parents could sponsor the next repair your car needs, or pick up the tab for your next educational expenditure? That's how my parents 'recognize' my services as a driver.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sort of thing keeps the balance in the interaction and reminds your parents that you are now an adult willing to do them a useful chore to be reciprocated with certain benefits, rather than the obedient child of not-so-distant memory. Meanwhile you can consider that you are substantially working off your &quot;unrepayable debt of gratitude to your parents&quot;, from the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_piety&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Asian perspective&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T15:09:26.067" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T15:09:26.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11936" CreationDate="2018-03-16T13:23:01.280" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There seems to be some debate on responsible.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I read your question you just introduced the two and never made yourself part of the arrangement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get she is frustrated with your boyfriend (bf) and calls (well texts) you as he is not responsive. It is unfortunate she is not satisfied with your bf but it is not your fault nor responsibility. If you had said he has tutoring experience and knows C# when he does not then you gave a false reference which is on you.  I am not reading that you gave any false representation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your bf not telling her that is between him and her. It is not your place to share the reason with her. If your bf wants her to know then he should tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I take it your bf is aware you don't want to be called. If not tell him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it is appropriate for her to call you in the first place so I think you will need to be firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is matter between [his name] and you. I have already provided you&#xA;  with contact information. Those contacts are still valid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="2718" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T13:36:08.817" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T13:36:08.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11956" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11739" CreationDate="2018-03-16T13:32:07.373" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of answers already, and they might work. Allow me to introduce an alternative though, that I haven't seen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Express uncertainty of your ethical decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ethics are difficult, seriously difficult, and as others and yourself has said, &lt;em&gt;if you're right, then they're wrong&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would go with something similar to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As far as I can tell, it is the ethical choice&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I think it is the ethical choice&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am admittedly, and obviously, not a wordsmith, but here's why a variation of this might work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It allows the listener an out, where he/she can still be ethical, by his/her own standards. What is ethical is objective, but what you think is ethical is subjective. Furthermore, it opens the discussion up to inquiry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How so?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How did you get to that conclusion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I understand you correctly, you wouldn't mind a deeper discussion of the ethics involved, and in all likelihood, you end up all learning something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a sidenote, it is possible that no answer will help to some people. The resentment does not come from you judging them, but from them putting you into the &lt;em&gt;Liberal hippie potsmoker activist&lt;/em&gt; camp with all the other &lt;em&gt;hippie vegans&lt;/em&gt;. The only cure to that is to let them get to know you. When you say &lt;em&gt;For ethical reasons&lt;/em&gt; they will think you are doing it to &lt;em&gt;look&lt;/em&gt; ethical to your peers, and not to be it. - Of course, don't be as prejudice as these people, so assume the former, not the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3951" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T13:32:07.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11843" CreationDate="2018-03-16T13:48:58.850" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yo, Alice. I overheard you talking to your friends the other day, about me getting mad a few months ago. It made me feel sad, because I don't want you to see me as such a person. It really really hurt me. I could have handled that situation better. How do you feel about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will let you know your feelings, while also having concern for her feelings. I wouldn't try to limit her &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_of_speech&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;freedom of speech&lt;/a&gt;. Generally, people don't like that. She is absolutely entitled to reinstate events that have happened and have an opinion about them. Many people feel uncomfortable about aggressive situations. It stressed Alice enough to still be talking about it two months later. Laughing and talking with friends about such events is a way alleviate stress. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To change her opinion about you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;say you're sorry: Take responsibility for your actions and don't seek excuses.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;willing to improve. You could also confide with her and ask her for advice how you've better could have handled it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;create a positive atmosphere in the house: organize parties with your house mates, buy a plant or a goldfish&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T13:48:58.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11959" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11946" CreationDate="2018-03-16T13:52:05.503" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As it is your mam with whom you still live, maybe you should first consider what &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; does for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. I'm trying not to make this answer cross over into advice on how to treat your parent, but there is no way to address the question of how to approach this subject interpersonally without first considering your position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you pay board - you don't state the currency so I can't say if &quot;500&quot; is a lot, or not very much. But remember that living with parents is not really comparable to having your own place. Parents often do things like laundry / cooking and buy your food for the board you pay, which you don't get living alone! Consider whether you think you are getting a good deal or not before you bring up the expense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; feel that you are paying your way, and that the expense you are incurring from driving her around is unreasonable, you could tackle it from a cost perspective. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mam, you know I pay my way while I'm living with you. The car journeys&#xA;  I do for you are costing me a bit. Could we talk about how to cover&#xA;  for that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BUT if the issue is that want to cut down on the trips and she agrees to cover the costs you won't get your time back. Are you studying? Or working? You could address it from a time perspective, perhaps say you are exhausted from work, or you are busy studying, whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that living with your family is not a business arrangement. She may not see it the way you do. She may just view this as paying her back for all the things she did for you as a child (which I appreciate didn't include driving you around). This discussion could hurt her feelings, so be prepared for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T14:28:43.097" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T14:28:43.097" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11946" CreationDate="2018-03-16T14:03:03.397" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No! I'm not driving you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your not her personal taxi. She has no saying over what you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're an adult, you make your own choices. I understand it is difficult, because you're still very young. And your mom probably still sees you as a kid. At some point she will have to realize that you have your own life with your own responsibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also think it is useful to give a reason since she is likely going to ask why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;No, I can't drive you. It is too expensive.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;No, I can't drive you. I am too busy this week.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will have to make her look for alternatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T14:03:03.397" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11962" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-16T14:20:57.600" Score="11" ViewCount="2280" Body="&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: It is not really a sock. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is an everyday, non-consumable article that I have way too much of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My birthday is in a few months, and every single year several people give me socks. It is a common habit where I live to gift people with socks (no Harry Potter pun intended, I'm not a house elf).  However, I already have a lot of socks, but it is not like I have a sock fetish, or a sock collection habit. There is a big drawer in my closet full of socks, and I don't even use socks to go to work, just on casual days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, most socks don't fit my feet. Usually I have to take them to the store to trade for other items, but most sock shops don't have socks my size.  I am pretty sure I'll get at least a dozen new socks. And most of them won't even see the light of day on my feet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I politely communicate to friends and family to steer away from socks this time?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="452" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T19:18:18.763" LastActivityDate="2019-05-06T12:50:46.273" Title="How can I communicate to friends and family that I don't want a specific type of birthday gift?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;&lt;latin-america&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11963" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7245" CreationDate="2018-03-16T14:27:33.410" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had the same issue for years. Eventually, I told he that I don't like being photographed, and told her the reason why (I hate the way I look on pictures and it makes me feel very uncomfortable with the way I look). I am sure that she will understand this when you tell her the exact reason for your refusing to be photographed. &#xA;Wish you luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit::&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was asked to explain why this will work. &#xA;I think my idea will work because your mom loves you,and she wants you to be happy, in the end of it. I think that the reason she takes photos of you is because you don't meet eachother so often, so she miss you. I am sure that if you told her that she would understand you and stop taking photos of you (unless you want her to do so, of course) and even if she will have hard time understanding this she will change her attitude because she loves you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14424" LastEditorUserId="14424" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T13:02:16.970" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T13:02:16.970" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11964" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11946" CreationDate="2018-03-16T14:38:33.337" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Putting this in perspective.  If you get 20 mpg, drive 100, and gas is 6/gal that is about 30 / month.  If you factor in wear and tear then like 60 / month.  Not much but it does add up.  There is also your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned she has a bus pass.  I get your mom gets upset but tell her petrol is expensive and I have to drive both ways.  It is more economical for her to take the bus. I would try and have a conversation with her the petrol is a drain on your savings and you want to keep miles off your car. I think you would have an easier time giving less rides than charge.  Maybe say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom that is on the bus route. It is more economical for you to take&#xA;  the bus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the weather is bad or she is grocery shopping then I get why she would &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; a ride rather than take the bus. Maybe ask her if she could limit to 1 per week and she can prioritize which is most important to her.  If the average round trip is 10 miles then she is doing like 10 trips a month now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end it is your Mam so go soft and be prepared to lose.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T14:38:33.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11962" CreationDate="2018-03-16T15:11:56.153" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I've often found is that people find gifts that &quot;work&quot; and they fall back on those when they don't know what the person &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; wants. We often have this expectation that all of our friends and family should know what we want for our birthday or the holidays without them asking or without us telling them. The idea, &quot;you're my parent/spouse/sibling/grandparent; I shouldn't need to tell you what I want, it should be obvious!&quot; is a sweet thought but it's often not realistic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to help combat this, make it obvious what you want. Rather than focusing on what you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; want, tell them what you do... make a wishlist (for example, on Amazon), tell them, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This year, I really would like ties. I find that I'm bored with the ones I have and I'd love some that were really colorful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can be general or specific, depending on your preferences and level of comfort. Yes, I know that in some groups telling people &quot;give me this&quot; can look crass, but there are ways of being more subtle and then there are some family members (like my Mother-in-Law) who will find it amazing to be able to actually get you something you want and will insist that you keep your wishlist full of options all the time. This is how she knows what to buy for myself, my husband, and our son and it means we get gifts we actually want... and since she has one, too... we're able to do the same thing. Everyone comes away happy in the end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be a bit uncomfortable at first but it can really be a great way for your family to really start giving things you want (or need!) that doesn't turn into [unenthusiastic] &quot;Oh, yay... socks, again... Thanks, mama.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this becomes a bit of a &quot;lead a horse to water&quot; issue, at times... sometimes, telling people what you want won't always get it for you. You'll keep getting socks. At that point, you may need to either sit down with them and explain &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; socks are a bad gift for you and why it's a waste of their money to give you socks or decide that you're going to just let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey dad, I know you really like getting me socks for my birthday and I really appreciate that you think of me and try to get something I like... but here's a photo of my current collection of socks. As you can see, I have a lot of them and, to be honest, I very rarely &lt;em&gt;use&lt;/em&gt; socks. I'm happy to let you know what I'd like instead (ties) and if you're really a fan of giving me socks, you can... but you should realize that I don't really need them or use them. If that changes, I'll let you know, though!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, here you're showing appreciation, explaining the problem, giving them a solution and telling them that if you decide you need socks again sometime, you'll let them know. Hopefully this should put an end to socks without hurting any feelings. They may even tell you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, I didn't realize! You should have said something sooner! I thought you really loved socks, so that's why I've been giving them to you this whole time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T15:17:47.020" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T15:17:47.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11967" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11946" CreationDate="2018-03-16T15:40:44.033" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell her the truth being polite.&#xA;Arguments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It takes you too much time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have many other priorities&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can't assume the costs and consequences&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may understand, or not, her necessity to meet you, but it does not means you don't have other preferences.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just think, would you prefer to not have the car to avoid moving your mom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14103" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T16:03:30.170" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T16:03:30.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11968" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11970" CreationDate="2018-03-16T16:17:43.380" Score="2" ViewCount="737" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an introvert; I would classify myself as a creative problem solver with a love for art/math/science. Specifically drawing, computer programming, solving mathematical equations etc. My favourite of these is my passion for drawing and creativity. Although I class myself as an introvert, I do have some tendencies towards leadership. People seem to like me but I sometimes avoid conversations as I hate to start things. However on occasions where someone says I cannot then I usually try to prove them wrong. I have tried to socialize with women, but I seem more able to talk to men. I talk to women mostly for work but my I can't seem to find a women to hang out with or date. It's worth noting that most of my work colleagues like me, so I don't come across abrasive, or dislikeable as far as I am aware.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Problem:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The interpersonal problem is two fold, firstly how would someone with my personality factors start to learn or understand techniques to open a dialog with members of the opposite sex that illicit a more personal and or emotional response from them. Secondly, what are some of the better environments I could go to, to help with this, I.E.  Arts centers, gyms, academic schools etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14433" LastEditorUserId="8451" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T16:42:58.750" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T17:32:36.140" Title="What's the best way to talk to/meet a woman when you're an introvert who is nerdy/geeky type person?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-03-16T16:43:46.903" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11970" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11968" CreationDate="2018-03-16T16:40:52.130" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two parts to your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Part 1: How to meet people in general.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;50% of people are women so as you meet more people you will meet more women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution:&lt;/strong&gt; Go out in the world, and engage in activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found (in my life, as well as in the lives of others) that the more I am out and about, the more people I meet, and the more things I learn/experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So go sign up for a class (or several), or join a club that meets regularly.  You mention you love drawing, so start taking classes, and going to exhibits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be afraid to try new things either. If you don't like that particular activity, you can choose to never touch it again, and &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;forming opinions informed by real world experience will make you a more interesting person&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;, which will help get you get more attention not only from women, but everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Part 2: How to engage in dialogue, and connect with the opposite gender.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution:&lt;/strong&gt; Stop paying attention to how you feel, and start focusing all your attention on the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one comes from Jordan Peterson - a clinical psychologist in Toronto. If you are paying attention to the other person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A) they are going to like that, and&#xA;B) you can't worry or second guess yourself because all of your attention is on them. You will literally forget your own fears and inadequacies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not be very good at this from the start. That's OK; practice makes perfect. You may also need to work on some of you skills involved in having a dialog, but I don't know enough to know what advice you need on that front.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you have Autism or Aspergers you will most likely be able to pick up on what works in a conversation and what doesn't so long as you are paying attention to the other person first, and foremost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T17:32:36.140" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11971" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-16T18:00:23.303" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(Warning: anecdotal response incoming)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been &quot;addicted&quot; to many, many (oh my god, far too many) games. Runescape, Candy Crush, Madden Mobile, Clash of Clans... If you can think of a game, I've probably had an unhealthy relationship with it. Even Cookie Clicker had me playing several hours a day for a few months. Here are a few insights I've picked up from the other side:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt; 1) This isn't about the game.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, I know the issue at hand is that she is playing her game far too often, but imagine she quits this game and starts playing another just as much. Have you actually solved anything? You aren't actually bothered that she's &quot;wasting her time&quot;, you're bothered she's wasting so much of it (at the expense of your relationship, too). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife watches The Bachelor. In my opinion, that is a colossal waste of time, but if she wants to spend an hour a week watching it, whatever. She's an adult, she enjoys it, she should be able to watch it. If she watched shows like that 8 hours every day though, that would not be ok. What she's doing those 8 hours would be pretty much irrelevant; it's just unhealthy to spend so much of your day doing something which doesn't improve you at all. I think that's the issue at hand here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt; 2) I am fully aware I'm being manipulated. I don't care.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Astralbee addresses this in their answer, but I think misses a key point: I know the game requires no skill, but I'm still having fun playing it. I've been given the &quot;you're not even doing anything&quot; response many times before; it's not very compelling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I see it, no game really matters. Sure, some give you more fulfilling experiences than others, but at the end of the day, does it really matter if I have a level 8 town hall in Clash of Clans instead of being level 40 in Skyrim? If you say it does, I get the impression you think some games are &quot;real&quot; games and some aren't, and that's not an easily defendable position. Even more difficult is convincing someone that their game isn't &quot;real&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, trying to get her to stop playing the game by trying to convince her it's &quot;such a dumb and worthless game&quot; is never going to work, and it's actually kinda rude. I've always heard that as &quot;the things you spend your time on don't matter as much as the things I think you should spend your time on&quot;. That would make me want to discount your opinion, which leaves you fighting an uphill battle right out of the gate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt; 3) How I would approach it&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Address the actual issue at hand.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, you're bothered she's spending &lt;strong&gt;so much time&lt;/strong&gt; absorbed in such an antisocial activity. That's the part you can address. Don't bring up that you think she's wasting her time, bring up that she's not spending time with you anymore. Or if it's a bigger concern to you that she's not spending time doing anything else at all, bring that up! Just &lt;strong&gt;don't say &quot;that game is dumb and you're wasting your life&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. Unless she has a sudden change of heart after hearing this (she won't), she'll assume you guys just have different opinion on it. If that happens, you'll lose a lot of credibility on the issue in her eyes, and you can't really help after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't try to cut her off completely.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm disagreeing with the top answer here. Going from playing a game 40 hours a week to not at all is... well, it's mostly impossible. You're approaching it from the perspective of someone who realizes the game has no value; that's not her perspective. To her, that game has been providing a (deliberately) steady source of accomplishment and entertainment. Quitting it entirely is a daunting task that's difficult to approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do approach it one instance at a time.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife is just as addicted to social media as I am to games. Neither of these tendencies are detrimental to our relationship though, because we're quick point out specific times it's bothering us. I've never said &quot;I wish you didn't spend so much time on Instagram,&quot; because it doesn't really bother me that she instagrams. What might bother me is if we're watching a movie and she spends the whole time on her phone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that instance, I wouldn't ask her to get off instagram, I'd ask her to put her phone down while we watch a movie, and she would do the same were I on my phone. &lt;strong&gt;It's way easier for someone to stop playing their game during a movie than altogether&lt;/strong&gt;. You aren't asking for any long term commitments or changes in habits, you're asking for a small temporary reprieve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;But Lord Farquaad, I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; want a change in habit!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, that's true. And I have good news for you: you'll probably see one anyway! If you successfully have her put her phone away every movie, eventually she'll stop trying to be on it during movies. If you ask her to put her phone away while you're eating together, she'll stop trying to take her phone out while you're eating together. It's possible she'll fight you on these things, but those conversations bleed out of the scope of this question. Instead, I'll direct you here: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9557/how-can-i-politely-ask-my-date-to-not-use-her-phone-unnecessarily-during-dinner&quot;&gt;How can I politely ask my date to not use her phone unnecessarily during dinner, without ruining the night out?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kinda brings me to my last point: if she stops playing her game during times that bother you, then there isn't a problem anymore; you really can't demand anything more from her. Even if you think the game's stupid, you don't get to say &quot;playing that game doesn't impact our relationship anymore, but you should still stop.&quot; Also, I personally find that when I start spacing out my time in free-to-play games, I lose the immersion I was addicted to. They're just not as fun when you play a responsible amount; she may lose interest altogether anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL; DR:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Address the actual issue: It's not that she's playing a &quot;dumb&quot; game, but that she's not spending time with you (I wouldn't even mention the game at all, but that's just me).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Shape behavior, don't demand it: Avoid large requests. Don't ask her to put her phone away during all movies forever, ask her to put her phone away during each movie. Large requests are daunting.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Pick your battles: I never really addressed this, but if you're doing your own thing and realize she's playing her game, let her. Telling her to stop every single time she's playing is the same as telling her to quit. Confining your requests to when it bothers you will be more effective. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T18:00:23.303" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11973" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11979" CreationDate="2018-03-16T19:28:20.090" Score="4" ViewCount="745" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt; London, UK, dealing with same-sex male relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a recurring issue whenever I date someone new, and all the IPS solutions I have tried to come up with have failed in  the past in dealing with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When dating someone new, it is my personal preference to refrain from meeting anyone else either for a date or a casual encounter. The reasons for this are two-fold: I like to invest my remaining energy in one person, and for physical intimacy, even knowing someone once before makes me a lot more comfortable, as opposed to someone new.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person usually finds out about this through a tangential discussion they may bring up, like sexual safety preferences (which I am content discussing and think it's wise to), or some tangential topic. And the problem is either: they think I have become attached to them early, or just knowing this makes them feel pressured to be exclusive early on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite doing my best to stress it's just how I function, and not related to early attachment or a means to pressure them into it too, I am often unsuccessful in convincing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, because I often date much older than me (approx. 10 years), their belief that it could be down to early attachment due to  my inexperience relative to them is reinforced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I go about communicating and reassuring why I am exclusive early on, without pressuring them, as it is not my intent at all?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8757" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T11:41:15.763" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T11:41:15.763" Title="Communicating my (one-sided) exclusivity without pressuring" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11973" CreationDate="2018-03-16T20:42:30.273" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no way to completely dissuade them from reading between the lines of whatever you say, but it's probably sufficient to explain it the way you did here. As in, take the time to explain why you choose to operate that way and that you're not requiring or expecting them to operate the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honesty is usually the best policy when it comes to most things, even more so when it comes to romantic relationships. Honesty builds trust, which obviously ought to be a two way street... Which kinda seems to be the underlying issue here, you're being honest and apparently not being believed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, there's not really a fool proof way to address that issue either. All you can really do is be honest and hope for the best. Dating people a little closer to your own age/experience level may help a bit, but I'm already stretching beyond the question asked, so I'll leave that be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can say that at different points in my life I leaned towards dating in much the same way that you do, it's just easier all the way around to focus on a single partner, even earlier on in a relationship, so don't feel like you're odd for doing it that way. I was usually honest and upfront and for the most part it seemed to work out. It's just a matter of finding someone who has similar relationship goals. (Some folks prefer to play the field without really wanting or looking for anything terribly serious)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most folks date a good few people between major, serious, committed relationships. Some folks date around and may go out with someone on Friday and someone else on Saturday, while others prefer to date the same someone each Friday for a while before deciding to look elsewhere. Nothing really wrong with either approach, as long as everyone is being honest, just different strokes for different folks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T20:42:30.273" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11976" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-03-16T23:43:59.703" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Jealousy is a strong emotion towards another person. This could include situations like resentment against a professional rival, insecurity in a romantic relationship, or bitterness towards a friend after they achieved something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions should include clear examples and reasoning for why they suspect jealousy is a factor, if using this tag to describe someone other than the poster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answers should take special consideration of the emotional state of the people involved in a jealous situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T23:43:59.703" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T23:43:59.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11977" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-03-16T23:43:59.703" Score="0" Body="For questions about situations influenced by feelings of jealousy, whether felt by you or someone else." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-16T23:43:59.703" LastActivityDate="2018-03-16T23:43:59.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11936" CreationDate="2018-03-17T00:06:07.130" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;What would you do if she called you up and said that someone you had NOT introduced her to, and had no personal relationship with, wasn't responding to her communications?  Do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me, it'd be something like &quot;Sounds like X can't do the job or doesnt have the time to do it.  You should look for someone else, unfortunately, I don't have anyone better to recommend.  Good luck&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="470" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T00:06:07.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11973" CreationDate="2018-03-17T00:20:01.457" Score="3" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Rather than explaining the preference, explain the framework.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I made the experience of dating two people at the same time. The two most stressful weeks of my whole life. It's not that I couldn't; I'm just bad at multitasking in a more general way and I need some consistent time alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your question, you write something pretty similar about preserving energy. You could &lt;strong&gt;introduce the features of your personality&lt;/strong&gt; that lead you to such a preference &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; talking about the preference itself. After all, your preference doesn't come out of the blue; on the contrary, it is the product of your personality, needs, points of view etc. Talk about those. It is a matter of both dropping phrases here and there (&quot;I'm too stressed out by multitasking, I feel like I have to finish a thing before starting another&quot;) and talking thoroughly about a topic, for instance being an introvert that needs some time alone to recharge his energy or something alike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show them that you have a social life.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mention your friends to them, tell them what you did last night with your flatmates, send a picture of something a friend will appreciate in their presence and explain it to them. In short, show them that they are not the only person in your emotional life and that you don't &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; them to have an emotional balance. Of course you'll be more than happy to be with them, but if they can see that you're an emotionally mature person they will feel freed from the weight of being the older guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If &lt;strong&gt;a) the explanation of your monogamy comes after some unrelated disclosure of your personality to them&lt;/strong&gt;; and &lt;strong&gt;b) they can see they're only a part of your life and not the center&lt;/strong&gt;, by the time you'll tell them that you prefer to date one persone at a time they will know that it is a matter that fits naturally in your personality and that it's not related to some ill attachment to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T03:45:35.010" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T03:45:35.010" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11981" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12039" CreationDate="2018-03-17T07:07:11.980" Score="14" ViewCount="1900" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an Indian woman, residing in India and single.  And the latter brings a lot of unwanted attention to myself, from both genders. Females make fun of me stating that I need to get married and start giving me unsolicited advice. Male colleagues take it for granted that I am available. As far as I have seen, married women are respected a lot and they are even spoken to smoothly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have lunch with a few colleagues, one of them is a married female. We all have good conversations and it was okay until a few days back. One day, that female colleague had a slight dress (read, Indian salwar kameez) mishap and her cleavage was visible. She was not aware of it and was still talking to all of us. I noticed and messaged her and she adjusted. She is a busty woman. The important point is, I found that two of the men didn't want to see that cleavage and they put their heads down though they were listening to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days back, I had such mishap too. There was no female to correct me and it went unnoticed. But, those same two male colleagues were staring at my cleavage and were giggling. I was in an Indo-western attire. Even if I were in Indian casuals, I think I would have got those nasty stares and giggles. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really wanted to tell those men that I had respected them when there was a similar mishap with the other colleague and they chose not to see it. But, when it came to me, they chose to enjoy the scene (as termed in Indian context). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In what ways do I convey this point to them that their irrational behaviour is not welcome with me? Can I state the same thing what I have written here?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T21:38:37.600" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T21:38:37.600" Title="Dealing with colleagues who think single women as being always available" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11982" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11989" CreationDate="2018-03-17T08:17:48.507" Score="60" ViewCount="17063" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had the following situation a couple of times:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sleep together with my (long time) girlfriend and &lt;strong&gt;she wakes up after a bad dream&lt;/strong&gt;. In her dream I did something bad, like having sex with another woman. &lt;strong&gt;She is angry at &quot;me&quot; about what &quot;I&quot; did. But I didn't do it. It happened only in her dream.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to explain to her that the person in her dream is not me. Whatever she dreamed has little to do with reality. But her argument is: &lt;strong&gt;She wouldn't dream that if there would be no reason to dream like this.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday I saw a friend and he told me his wife was angry at him because she discovered a used condom in his pocket in her dream. He also tried to explain to her &lt;strong&gt;it was just a dream&lt;/strong&gt;. And she answered like: &lt;strong&gt;&quot;But why did you do that?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all live in Thailand but I guess that could happen anywhere. It seems some women (maybe also men, I don't know) mix up dreams with reality and they want an explanation from a real person about what happened in their dreams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I (and my friend and others) counter an irrational accusation like &quot;Why did you do xzy in my dream&quot;?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have thought a short logical argument that a dream is not reality should be sufficient. But obviously it's not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T15:15:06.187" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T18:34:09.887" Title="I dreamed you did so and so. Why did you do that? - How to react?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;thailand&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11982" CreationDate="2018-03-17T09:29:36.893" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Expand your knowledge on dreams&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first problem is that you can't counter what the other person is saying about what a dream is. By expanding knowledge on dreams, you can create arguments on what a dream means. The problem is that dreams can feel real. I've had instances I didn't know it was a dream until a few days after. I realized this because it could have never happened. Making sure your significant other realizes this as well is your best bet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've done some searching on &lt;a href=&quot;https://philosophy.stackexchange.com/search?q=dream&quot;&gt;Philosophy SE&lt;/a&gt;. This &lt;a href=&quot;https://philosophy.stackexchange.com/questions/24/how-does-one-know-one-is-not-dreaming&quot;&gt;question&lt;/a&gt; has some sources you can use on what dreams are. There are probably more, however it is a great starting point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The discussion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus the discussion on the difference between a dream and reality. There are probably details in the dream that just don't make sense. If these details are not present focus on what you researched and why dreams are different than reality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is not willing to believe you, you can suggest she does her own research on dreams. Make sure you give her some resources to start by herself. If she is not willing to do this as well, then there is nothing else you could do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T09:29:36.893" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11982" CreationDate="2018-03-17T09:32:08.753" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A bit of theory&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;« &quot;Wunsch&quot; [wish] is the big word (meaning) of &quot;Traumdeutung&quot; » (roughly translated) &lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to his theory, the dream, far from being stupid or magical, has a meaning : it is the « fulfillment of a desire » (Originally in German: &quot;&lt;em&gt;Wunscherfüllung&lt;/em&gt;&quot; or &quot;wish fulfillment&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its function is to please the dreamer, and meet her/his vows. The dream gives hints about the most hidden and shameful secrets of the dreamer, like some wills « repressed » in her/his subconscious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sigmund_Freud&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Sigmund Freud&lt;/a&gt;, one can see dreams as the expression of our secret wishes and/or fears (Disclaimer: some psychoanalysts seem to disagree while some agree).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A bit of practice&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;your dreams let your own fear/wish emerge, but they are not the facts of my life...&lt;/em&gt; I'm &lt;strong&gt;neither&lt;/strong&gt; responsible for your thoughts &lt;strong&gt;nor&lt;/strong&gt; blameworthy for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you go one step ahead (more rude IMO, but you can work around the idea, maybe...)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't put YOUR burden on MY shoulders. Don't blame ME for YOUR thoughts.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you do with that information depends on what the other person is willing to listen to, and how you phrase it. As you said : &lt;em&gt;I would have thought a short logical argument that a dream is not reality should be sufficient. But obviously it's not.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will be your choice to explain or not, to let it go or not, to escalate or not...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to tell her she has to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;1st: trust you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;2nd: search and read by herself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, both of you may go back to discuss about this...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Interpretation_of_Dreams&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Interpretation of Dreams - Sigmund Freud&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T09:50:04.120" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T09:50:04.120" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11986" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11982" CreationDate="2018-03-17T09:34:41.113" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Point out that dreams are creations of a persons mind&lt;/strong&gt; so the dream is her of her own making. In essence she created the &quot;you&quot; that did those things, not you. The discussion should then be about why she would dream about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps she is insecure and worries you will sleep with other women, if you haven't talked about these things perhaps this is a good starting point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9319" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T09:34:41.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11987" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12198" CreationDate="2018-03-17T10:02:43.113" Score="14" ViewCount="1176" Body="&lt;p&gt;A long term friend (the trend on IPS seems to be to call her 'Alice') is a little promiscuous and quite often uses her &lt;em&gt;charms&lt;/em&gt; to get guys to do things they wouldn't otherwise do. A guy we recently met has fallen for her and has been there for every request she ever makes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, it ended up last night with me having a go at her and, in a bit of a shouting match, using some rather strong language (that I'm pretty sure this site won't let me repeat) and saying some pretty insulting stuff mixed in with telling her I don't approve of how shes treating this guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it helps some of what I said was (warning - strong language):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote class=&quot;spoiler&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt; &amp;quot;You just can't keep your slutty claws out of guys who will fall for your sh*t can you?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and telling her she had (warning - more strong language):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote class=&quot;spoiler&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt; &amp;quot;f*cked your way around half the world to get what you want&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm sure it won't come across from what is in those hiders but I actually don't care how much sex she chooses to have or with who, it's just how she treats the guys who get sucked in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should I apologise for the way I said stuff, but without going back on how I feel about her behaviour?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The guys tend to (not always) be fairly innocent to start with. After a little sexual experience, they think their relationship with her is something really special but she just wants to draw them along until they get too clingy or stop doing everything she wants.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I wanted to apologise because I felt bad for upsetting her and because I felt the actual content of what I said was easier for her to ignore if it was cloaked in some pretty nasty language.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Alice and I are just friends and the guys we're meeting come from anywhere, normally we're both friends with them for a while first, but the most recent one was a guy I'd known for months (had no intention of sleeping with though) and have really seen the change in him and how much time he spends studying since she has started getting with him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9319" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T21:19:53.750" Title="How to apologise for how you said something without going back on the content" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11989" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11982" CreationDate="2018-03-17T10:21:40.487" Score="114" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a matter of perspective that you're overlooking: &lt;strong&gt;dreams may not be real, but the feelings caused by them definitely are.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did it never happen to you to wake up from a particularly painful dream and to start sobbing right away? If not, lucky you. But if it happened to you at least once, you know that you can feel incredibly sad because of a dream. Or happy, or angry, or nervous. &lt;em&gt;Of course&lt;/em&gt; we know that they're not real, but dreams do influence our mood and our way of perceiving reality, and there's nothing stupid about it. It's normal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to go back to square one, when she addresses you like that, it's because of the feelings that linger after the dream. If you answer her about the reality of the dream, you're probably &lt;em&gt;missing the point&lt;/em&gt;. Not only: you're probably worsening the situation because you're invalidating her feelings. And &lt;strong&gt;feelings are true&lt;/strong&gt;, no matter what caused them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Play on the same team as her. That dream is upsetting her, she's feeling insecure and betrayed; &lt;strong&gt;console her&lt;/strong&gt;. That doesn't mean that you have to apologize as if you really betrayed her. Just the simplest of the truths. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's me. I love you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a calm, reassuring voice. If she allows you, caress her, make her feel that she's safe, that you're not one of her dreams. Don't just tell her, let her feel it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would never, never, &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; do such a thing to you. See, I'm here, next to you, just here so that I can hug you when you're having a bad dream. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Etcetera, you got the point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Postpone the rational discussion to the day after.&lt;/strong&gt; Really, the middle of the night right after a nightmare is &lt;em&gt;definitely not&lt;/em&gt; the moment for logic. And when the moment of the discussion comes, &lt;strong&gt;ask her first how does she feel&lt;/strong&gt;. She will probably tell you that &quot;it felt like it was real&quot; or something alike. If, on the other hand, she's still angry, keep on addressing her feelings, ask her if she really thinks that you would betray her, why does she think that etc. &lt;em&gt;Now&lt;/em&gt; you can point out that &lt;em&gt;dreams are not necessarily and not only the mirror of our desires or fears&lt;/em&gt;; there's a random component as well, and they are not so easily interpreted. So maybe what really happened was that she saw you looking at an ad with a naked girl, and during the same day she had an argument with her best friend, and &lt;em&gt;bam&lt;/em&gt;, the two things get fused together in her dream and you're cheating on her. (I'm just throwing wild guesses here, I'm no psychologist.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to sum up: &lt;strong&gt;if your girlfriend is sad, console her, no matter what the cause is.&lt;/strong&gt; You can analyze the cause later when she cools down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="8166" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T18:34:09.887" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T18:34:09.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11991" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3750" CreationDate="2018-03-17T15:40:15.073" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It appears the root problem is that you want them to respond to your emails when they receive them, and they are not doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your written message:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear CP:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually never hear from you for weeks unless I chase. You then confirm receiving my original email, but usually state your necessity for more time to deal with the matter before replying again. Yet I still need chase you, despite requesting in one of my first emails to you that you email me back on reception of my emails, to offer me certainty that you received my original emails even if you need more time, while I wait for your second reply. My chasing you for almost every email that I send you, mentally distresses me. How can we solve this communication difficulty?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is rude because it doesn't give them any other response that to change their behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want to send follow up emails (which is the only way you'll resolve this situation without changing them), but you do want to know the status of their work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not have power over them (ie, you aren't their boss or supervisor) and you cannot get their boss or supervisor to agree, then you can't easily force them to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your best bet is to simply be rude and pester them until they change.  I don't think there's a way to soften the actual request that they change - you can change the words, but you've made this request repeatedly before and they haven't changed, so unless you have another way to apply pressure, then perhaps being rude is the best way to get them to do what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you insist on going this route, my style would be to inform them in this manner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear CP:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to the nature of the work you do, it can be days or weeks before you complete tasks I give you.  I cannot wait that long to find out whether you understand the assignment, and what your time estimate is.  Therefore I need you to respond to each task request within a day or two of receiving it, indicating:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You received the task and understand it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your best estimate on when it will be complete&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will make it clear what your expectations are are, and why. You will have to send follow up emails if they haven't responded within 2 days of you sending your original email. Consider CC'ing reminder emails to their boss or supervisor so they can address the situation if they frequently miss this requirement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Underlying problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They don't see any reason to respond to you.  And in your original message your only reason is that it causes you distress.  It's hard to convince a coworker to take care of your emotional well being, particularly in a professional context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead help them understand why you need their response, in terms of what you're trying to do in the business.  There may be many reason you're feeling distress when they don't communicate that are actually because you cannot meet your business requirements without their feedback.  I don't know your business, but perhaps one of these could be a problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need your feedback immediately because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have to schedule others around your work&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Others need to know this information and ask me for it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clients are frustrated when they learn of delays at the last second&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Unexpected delays are forcing others to do more work, or leaving them with nothing to do&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to figure out why you are distressed, and what business requirement isn't being met, and then discuss it in terms of the business, rather than your personal feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T15:40:15.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11839" CreationDate="2018-03-17T16:07:51.953" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an individual who suffers from moderate/severe anxiety, along with a couple other disorders. I for one can say that I am always worried that my illnesses will cause even the closest people around me to finally say &quot;ENOUGH!&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What sets me apart from everyone else though, is that i've been in both of you and your friend's shoes. No matter how many time your friend apologizes and no matter how many time you say &quot;It's ok&quot;, &quot;Don't Worry, or &quot;I get it&quot;. Your friend will never stop apologizing, not because he didn't believe you the first 20,000 times but for the reason that it's his coping mechanism for dealing with the anxiety. While also being a part of the anxiety itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He needs to be reassured that you &quot;Forgive Him&quot; to help him feel a sense of calmness, even though he knows you couldn't care less about judging him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way that I've found to deal with type of anxiety is to slowly turn these types of 'serious' moments into 'jokingly laughable' moments. Start by kidding around when you answer him. Throw a &quot;I can't forgive you&quot;, &quot;No Way, its not alright&quot;, &quot;You better be sorry!&quot; once in a while. Start slow and continue to slowly increase the rate at which you foolishly answer. ALWAYS make sure that your friend knows that you are kidding, by means of laughter to even saying &quot;I'm only kidding&quot;. The most important part is that they know you are only joking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Soon enough both you and your friend will become way more comfortable and hopefully closer with one another. Although, i wouldn't count on any &quot;reassuring habit&quot; to disappear completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck to both of you, and your friend is very lucky to have somebody like you that they are able to call a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sincerely,&#xA;Matthew Bondar&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15480" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T16:07:51.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11993" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="11998" CreationDate="2018-03-17T18:13:48.343" Score="11" ViewCount="2369" Body="&lt;p&gt;My uncle and I have a good relationship. He, unfortunately, lives in Colorado while I live in another state also in the U.S. Due to the distance, I don’t get to visit him very often, so when I get the chance I always try and take it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently however, my uncle has become obsessed with turtles. He sleeps with them, talks with them, and even walks them on a leash with him. He has gone so far as to create and operate a turtle farm comprised of hundreds of turtles. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am deathly afraid of turtles though. I’m sure it has to do with a bad experience during my childhood in which a turtle tried to chase me after I caught it while fishing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My uncle has asked me to come to Colorado and visit him sometime in the next few weeks, but I’m certain he will try and take me to his turtle farm. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although it may seem like the solution is to just ask him to not bring me to the farm, I don’t want to intrude on the time he spends with the turtles while I am there, so I am willing to go to the farm; however, I’m not willing to see any turtles there of any kind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have also not yet told him about my fear - so he is unaware that I am scared of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How should I tell my uncle I don’t want to see his turtles at his turtle farm?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user15482" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-03-18T00:59:47.240" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T00:59:47.240" Title="How to tell my uncle I don’t want to see his turtles at his turtle farm?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;&lt;fear&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11994" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-17T19:07:22.687" Score="18" ViewCount="2353" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few friends and I, on Friday nights, play board games and video games. It's enjoyable, and they're good friends. There's one small issue. I win too many of them. Far, far too many of them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've won all the games we've played on the last seven of eight nights. I'm trying to be a good player - I don't trample over others' successes, I don't rub it in, I give honest compliments on interesting play styles... but after so many consecutive weeks, it's starting to sound trite, even if I do genuinely mean it. They're interesting people to play games with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We tried switching to video games - including games I've never played, like Mario Kart and Arms. I ended up winning a disproportionate number of matches of Arms, and (for how new I was) did well in Mario Kart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't just happen at game nights. When I play &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.starrealms.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Star Realms&lt;/a&gt; with them, I consistently get long win streaks. The last six games I played with one of these friends, I won. They won one before that, and I won what feels like another five or six before that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think anyone is going to overtly say anything - this group is too polite and kind for that. But I've noticed the group... avoiding playing these kinds of games, when I'm around. We usually end up doing something else. Which I'm okay with, but we all love playing games, and there has to be a way to get this to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like I'm in a bind. I don't want my friends to lose interest in playing with me. Part of the fun of games is the social aspect, yes, but part of the fun is also the equitable chance to win, and I don't want them to feel like that's being crushed out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Intentionally losing games feels manipulative, and there's no way they won't notice if I make obvious mistakes. Recently, I've started going with atypical strategies in games, to see if I can get them to work and give myself a slight disadvantage. I do, and so far, I'm winning no less often. I'm not playing competitively, either - gunning for a win and trying to shove others out of the game has never been a play style, or social style, that I like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, what can I do? I know this all sounds pretentious as hell, but it's a real problem I'm facing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything I can do to keep game nights fun?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10134" LastEditorUserId="10134" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T19:15:32.923" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T09:08:26.420" Title="Winning too many games at game night - how can I keep it fun for everyone?" Tags="&lt;games&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11995" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11987" CreationDate="2018-03-17T19:22:25.907" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't judge whether the content of your message is appropriate. There's not enough context information. But it's a question you should ask yourself: should I have conveyed this message at all, regardless of how I said it? &lt;strong&gt;If the answer is no, flat apologize.&lt;/strong&gt; No ifs or buts. Even if you still think the message is right. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But, if the answer is yes...&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apologize sincerely for your language. For the hostility. For shouting. For letting things go too far. Do not qualify this apology. Do not try and make a point about what was said. Don't mention that you still have doubt about her behavior. It's all going to undermine the core message at this point: that what you &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; was way too far. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait until the apology is accepted. If it's not, don't continue. You don't have a right to communicate this to her, and she needs to be willing to hear it if you want to have an impact. That's not going to happen until the apology is accepted - and it may be the case that you're no longer the right person to communicate this to her. If so, there's nothing you can do right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, sometimes letting a day or two pass before bringing it up again can help. It shows that you're genuine, and you're willing to let an apology for your behavior stand on its own, unqualified. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Then,&lt;/em&gt; and only then, can you say, &quot;...but I do think this is an issue, and I want to talk about it with you &lt;em&gt;if you're still open to it&lt;/em&gt;, because I care about your well-being.&quot; Be sure to give her an out. You don't want her to feel forced or coerced into the conversation - that's counterproductive for both of you. Word what you say cautiously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure you know exactly why you think it's an issue. Be aware of what she's been asking people for, and ask yourself critically whether it's possible to give her the benefit of the doubt, if her requests are reasonable or if she's actually being as manipulative as you seem to think. These things can often look worse than they are, but they can often be worse than they seem, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're treading on thin ground with this whole thing. You may be in the unfortunate spot of having to decide how much you want to keep her as a friend, if you want to keep pressing the issue. Shouting matches are super bad as a precedent for open, honest discussion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10134" LastEditorUserId="10134" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T19:27:46.930" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T19:27:46.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11993" CreationDate="2018-03-17T19:51:35.063" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Say that it's about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; turtle-phobia&lt;/strong&gt;, and that it's not any judgment of him and his wanting to have a turtle farm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, trying to get people to see things from a different perspective is hard; one way to go about explaining your fear would be to start with, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that this might sound irrational, but turtles scare me and causes &#xA;  me to be really fearful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then proceed with, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As little or petty as it may sound to you, it is a real&#xA;  problem for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you explain to others what your fear is and how they can better care for you, it makes it easier on both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.7cups.com/qa-anxiety-16/how-can-i-explain-to-people-my-irrational-fear-5151/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.7cups.com/qa-anxiety-16/how-can-i-explain-to-people-my-irrational-fear-5151/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T21:12:38.943" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T21:12:38.943" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11994" CreationDate="2018-03-17T19:53:39.693" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Golf has a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handicap_(golf)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;handicap system&lt;/a&gt; to allow players of different levels to have fun together. I don't play golf, so I don't exactly know how it works, but I believe a similar system could work in your case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, in a card game you could begin with less cards, or be allowed one card less than the others, or not use certain cards. Or have less max health points, stuff like that. Try to think about how to do this. You can always research if your favorite games have a handicap system in their rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is that everyone should have fun. This makes the game harder for you, so it remains a challenge, and it evens the other players' chances to keep them interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, how to introduce this? Why not just say: &quot;I've been winning too much, so why not play with a handicap like in golf?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, they should all be thinking about getting some payback already, so they should agree...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T19:53:39.693" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11993" CreationDate="2018-03-17T20:16:46.757" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, just say you don't want to see the turtles. I don't think you need to do this beforehand. When he suggests to you that you look at his turtles, be honest and focus on your feelings. Be sure to tell him your experience and that you don't want to hurt his feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that it is very likely that he is going to suggest looking at them/being around them to help you to get rid of your fear. Be sure to openly discuss it, since you are on a friendly basis with your uncle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was a suggestion to make a white lie about allergies (which has since been edited). I think this will only escalate if he discovers that you are not allergic. The coincidence of this lie is just too unlikely to be real.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12174" LastEditorUserId="75" LastEditDate="2018-03-17T20:40:50.070" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T20:40:50.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="11999" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-17T20:17:28.353" Score="-5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You really shouldn't discourage anyone from doing such healthy things as exercising and socializing or sharing adventures with friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Believe me, if she makes the effort, those extra pounds will melt right off of her, at least enough to make a difference in her health and stamina.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why treat her like an outcast? This is her (and her boyfriend's) opportunity to become physically fit and enjoy a longer, healthier, happier life. Be welcoming and encouraging and you might be surprised: she may decide on her own, that she would rather not go. Problem solved. And whether or not that affects your friend's decision to go, is entirely their business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It looks as though they value their time together, so I wouldn't be surprised if he opts out for her sake. Or they might have a private heart-to-heart, and decide that it would be best for him to go on and leave her behind. But that's something the two of them have to work out for themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's look at the worst-case scenario: if she is truly unmotivated or too unhealthy to stand the rigors of hiking, you'll all know early enough in the trip so that the boyfriend can escort her back home and take it from there. Either he'll decide to stay home with her, or he might try to reconnect with the group (in which case, it would be nice if you could wait for his return -- it shouldn't be more than a minor inconvenience).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the best-case scenario: she enjoys the trip, and makes herself welcome by being a good sport about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9307" LastActivityDate="2018-03-17T20:17:28.353" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12002" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-17T20:50:39.857" Score="19" ViewCount="7267" Body="&lt;p&gt;I go to the gym twice a week. I like the people there, I love what I do, my trainer is great. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only issue I have, is that, well, I'm fat. I'm tall and fat, and people constantly assume that no matter what I am working on (mostly powerlifting and other strength stuff - I want to build muscle, I don't care if I lose weight), that openly commenting on my weight is okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get a lot of the sort of compliments like &quot;oh I can tell you've lost so much, you look great&quot;, &quot;those pants fit you well, you can see how you've lost inches&quot; etc. and I understand people mean well, and they're trying to be supportive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, though, those statements are proveably false. I weigh more now than I did before (yay muscle mass), and my pants etc are the same size they were before I started this journey. I know people are trying to keep me positive because they think I'm there for different reasons than I am, but I don't need that sort of help. I'd rather celebrate my strength.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried telling people the honest truth, that I am there to be strong not skinny, that I haven't lost weight, etc, and either they tell me that can't be true (I've even had people insinuate my scale was wrong!), and that I look &quot;too good to be that size still&quot; etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate they're trying to be nice, but I just can't stand it - it's hard enough being a fat person in a mostly skinny world, but I hate that I have to seemingly take these &quot;compliments&quot; graciously when they are just weirdly trying to push me to a thinner mold than I will ever fit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I express to people that this sort of stuff isn't welcome, or otherwise avoid the trap of &quot;accepting&quot; compliments that kinda make me feel awkward and uncomfortable? I'm not super close to these people, I just see them 2x a week in passing at the gym. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastEditorUserId="75" LastEditDate="2018-03-18T01:29:15.207" LastActivityDate="2020-04-11T06:35:50.810" Title="How can I respond to well-meaning comments at the gym?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;exercise&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12005" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12002" CreationDate="2018-03-18T03:34:09.477" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;The thing with compliments is, they are not about you. Compliments are a friendly tool for social bonding. See my &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/8744/381&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; to Termatinator's question for details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my 38 years experience of social life, compliments are the &amp;quot;currency&amp;quot; of friendly social interaction and the truth of such statements is not considered relevant by most people. Only persons on the autism spectrum and a very few other &amp;quot;sticklers for honesty&amp;quot; might take exception to untrue compliments and everyone else simply accepts the compliments as a social routine. It is a cultural thing to tell people something that will make them feel good, even if it is not strictly the truth. And the gym is all about mutual encouragement anyway. So the easy option (though not the least annoying, in your case) is to ignore those compliments, as succintly advised in the earlier &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12003/381&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you don't mind taking the risk of disheartening a well-meaning user by &amp;quot;rejecting a compliment&amp;quot; then &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;thanks, but&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; is a potent tool and contradicting them politely whenever they utter a &amp;quot;friendly untruth&amp;quot; is very much an option, as in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gym friend say, &amp;quot;you are looking so slim!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say: &amp;quot;thanks, but I am not.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: oh yes you have lost 5 pounds!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: nice of you to say so, but I haven't. Nor is it my goal here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: those pants are literally hanging loose on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: thanks, but they aren't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: I was just trying to encourage you...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I appreciate it but that is not the type of encouragement I need. I am trying to build strength here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember this is socially disruptive and some people will get annoyed with your replies, but they will quickly learn not to give you these compliments you are categorically rejecting as untrue. Try it out next week and give us your feedback for sure!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T20:09:56.200" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12006" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12007" CreationDate="2018-03-18T04:00:47.957" Score="15" ViewCount="2364" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, my significant other and I decided to travel to the &lt;strong&gt;Caribbean Sea&lt;/strong&gt;. We already bought the airplane tickets and reserved the first hotel in one of the major cities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the &lt;strong&gt;last 4 days&lt;/strong&gt; are the main problem, as we are going to a beach place full of resorts. While a reasonable hotel there with good reviews costs around $400 for the 4 days, she is insisting on getting a more expensive one, &lt;strong&gt;costing $4000 for the same 4 days&lt;/strong&gt;, a kind of all-inclusive resort of your dreams. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We both have full-time jobs and are capable of &lt;strong&gt;splitting&lt;/strong&gt; all travel costs without problem. But even so, I'm against spending this much:  10 times more than planned!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have used the following arguments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We are not going to enjoy this resort fully, as we are planning a couple of day trips to other places nearby;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Even splitting the costs, $2000 is too much for spending on a single place. I would prefer to spend part of this with restaurants and other activities;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This vacation is going to be good with or without this resort.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My significant other feels that I'm not as enthusiastic as her for this vacation, which makes her also less excited about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Goal:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I make everybody happy again, without spending the $4000, i.e., convincing her to spend less on this reservation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8670" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T19:29:39.977" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T19:29:39.977" Title="How can I convince my significant other that $1000 per night is too much for a hotel?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12006" CreationDate="2018-03-18T04:41:02.067" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't have a good answer but I think it's important that you speak with her about this and find a good solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I guess if she wants to pay 4,000USD she wants that everything is perfect, wonderful, absolutely special, 100% of the time.&lt;/strong&gt; And that is a very high expectation. And maybe you are part of that expectation that you and her together must be 100% happy under these conditions. Even 90% happy is probably not good enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I think you should address her expectations.&lt;/strong&gt; Why does she want to spend all that money? What does she expect to get out of it? Is it even possible that she could be 10 times more happy compared to spending 400USD?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T04:41:02.067" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12008" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12006" CreationDate="2018-03-18T05:37:58.437" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that one potentially effective way to discuss this is by saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [first name of SO], regarding our trip to the Caribbean Sea, I would like to discuss with you how saving money and booking the cheaper hotel could really &lt;em&gt;expand our options&lt;/em&gt;, while we are there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then choose to highlight some great restaurants or shows at the Caribbean Sea that you guys can go to and afford easily, because you guys saved a significant amount of money by booking the cheaper hotel to stay at.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can’t really force them to make a different choice, but you can convince them to make a different choice &lt;em&gt;for themselves&lt;/em&gt;.  So, be sure to accentuate the positives of going with the cheaper hotel, and &lt;strong&gt;aim for a compromise&lt;/strong&gt; with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thesimpledollar.com/im-frugal-but-my-spouse-is-not/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.thesimpledollar.com/im-frugal-but-my-spouse-is-not/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-18T05:58:53.683" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T05:58:53.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12006" CreationDate="2018-03-18T11:02:36.727" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Afford it or not a 10x multiple is an extravagance. You have to talk her out of it is just not fair in my opinion. She should have brought this up as a discussion and joint decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not fair of her to characterize your desire to budget as a lack of enthusiasm.  It is not mature of her to be less excited - it is still a vacation to the Caribbean with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I am saying is I see some relation red flags.  This should have been discussed in a rational way.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all that said I don't have a good answer other than start addressing the bigger issue.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this about more than just a nice hotel.  Ask her &quot;why this is so important to your.&quot;  Does she view this as a measure of your commitment to her?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Work the bigger picture.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Honey this a significant financial decision.  We need to discuss these&#xA;  things up front and come to a responsible decisions together. Yes we&#xA;  can afford it but it is extravagant and enough money that it matters. &#xA;  We are going to have other financial decisions in life like buying a&#xA;  house and we need to be able to talk these things through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may need to sacrifice on the hotel but at least lay down the ground rules for moving forward.  If she gets this because she made a hiss she will likely do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T11:02:36.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11982" CreationDate="2018-03-18T11:34:35.520" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've found that a lot of my dreams are fueled by fears I have. I used to think they pointed at real things going on, but now I've found often they're just the things I'm afraid will happen and not what is actually happening. May be something to suggest, and then you can ask her what she is afraid of, why, and help her figure out how to get over those fears, assuming they are unnecessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15504" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T11:34:35.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12012" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12006" CreationDate="2018-03-18T12:04:22.310" Score="-1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My SO feels&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1) Counter with feeeelings:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Honey, this is so expensive all I'm going to be able to think about during these four days will be the price! I won't even be able to enjoy it. I'm already picturing myself drinking that martini, and thinking 'holy f--' that glass cost me fifty bucks and it's stirred not shaken! How dare you! I want to talk to the manager!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(for extra spice, add &quot;I won't be able to give you the attention you deserve if I'm thinking about money the whole time&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2) It's a simple shit test&lt;/strong&gt; (ie, she's testing if you have the confidence to say no) so agree and amplify.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;My budget for these four days is only $400, but I'm so happy you're offering to cover the extra $1600! -- grin -- Oh, this is going to be suuuch a dream holiday, do you think the price includes naked masseuses? -- thoughtful look -- For 4k, it better... lemme check in the brochure...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note you're already making a huge concession here, as you're going from your previous budget ($400 for both) to $400 each...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 3) The jerk&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Damn, I'm gonna have to sell the ring I bought to pay for that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to laugh. After she stops hyperventilating, you can say you were just kidding, but wouldn't it be a good idea to save a little bit if you want to buy that house with her eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 4) Flattery&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not going there for the hotel, I want us to have a good time together.&quot; (and insist that even a tent would be fine as long as she's there and she brings that particular swimsuit)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 5) Logic&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain that you go on vacation to get away from stress and pressure. Paying a ridiculously extravagant amount for your vacation brings the stress and pressure back, as you have to make sure everything is perfect! This is like having a chaperone running after you and whacking you with a stick and saying &quot;you must have fun!!! have fun now!!!&quot; in other words this will feel like work, not fun!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T12:04:22.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12006" CreationDate="2018-03-18T13:55:11.717" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to have these kinds of issues with my ex-wife on a pretty regular basis. Whenever we were planning a trip or considering a major purchase she would lean towards the more/most expensive options under the assumption that you &quot;get what you pay for.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My approach was usually a practical one. I'd take a hard look at what kind of experience she was trying to have, what she was looking to get out of spending all that money, and then price it out individually. The nice meals would cost x, spa day y, and so on... Usually it wasn't too hard to show her that we could do most, if not all, of the same things for a lot less money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes we could even have a better experience for less money. It was just a matter of breaking it down to the itemized bill, and showing her that while we could spend a whole lot on a nicer hotel, it would cut into the budget for other fun things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look for things that the hotel doesn't offer. Tours, museums, live shows, etc and make the case that staying elsewhere would allow you two to do those things while still being able to do the things that the hotel offered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically it sounded something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you liked the $4k all inclusive hotel, but if we go with this cheaper hotel, we'll have the money left over to do these extra things... Like the hotel includes meals and all, but then we're stuck eating at the hotel, rather than sampling the local fare. I found this really awesome 5 star restaurant in the area that I'd like to check out, and there's some interesting night life on the same street...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;More or less, you're showing your partner that you really are interested and invested in the trip by doing the research and finding alternatives to the ridiculously expensive hotel.&lt;/strong&gt; You're also showing them that you're not trying to compromise the experience, you're just looking for a less expensive, and more enjoyable experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps also worth sitting down with your partner and watching some food and travel shows. You'll probably both notice that they rarely, if ever, set foot in the all inclusive resorts. Some of the travel tv hosts even show open disdain for them. They nearly always recommend the local restaurants and small boutique hotels, over the generic resorts...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-03-18T22:31:59.523" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T22:31:59.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12016" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11982" CreationDate="2018-03-18T15:58:16.707" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Dreams tend to be strongly influenced by what is the first to come to mind. And people tend to think first about things, given some stimulus, that are somehow in context to that and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;something that recently happened and is thus still fresh in memory&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;something they recently thought about&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;something that happened about a week ago. It is not clear why, but there is at least one study stating that events that are only 3-4 days ago have less influence&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Fears and Wishes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Generally associations and assumptions. If you're already in a dream scene where there's a pond, you're more likely to find a fish in the water than to dream of a truck flying by.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some unknown factor&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your thoughts at the time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're hoping for sources, I'm afraid this list is mixed together from a collection of scientific papers, personal experience, other people on the internet confirming it and so on.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The point I'm trying to make with this list is that &lt;strong&gt;you can actually answer the question&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;But why did you do that?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her if she's afraid you would actually cheat on her in real life. Allow her to be honest and don't lash out on a yes. Instead, you and her can work together to find ways so she feels more secure. Maybe she knows where her fear comes from - some behaviour of yours that she associates with unloayal people maybe. If this is the case, you can try and change your behaviour so that she feel more secure about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if anybody were asking me &quot;why did you do this in my dream?&quot; neither jokingly nor as a scientific/psychological question, I would reconsider how serious I can take them. If it's formulated as &quot;you did something wrong&quot;, It might be wise to tell her you don't accept this behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2061" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T15:58:16.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12017" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12002" CreationDate="2018-03-18T16:15:20.640" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could try turning their positive comment into a different positive response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You've obviously lost weight&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;doesn't become &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No, I haven't, I'm not trying to&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead try ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You think so?&quot;/&quot;A lot of people think that&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... then &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Actually it's just my posture has improved from the weight training&#xA;  so I'm standing taller.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you have a positive platform on which to tell them about how you're trying to bulk up etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T16:15:20.640" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11982" CreationDate="2018-03-18T17:03:03.410" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may not apply to girl friends, but people in this situation may not be in the right mind to realize the right reaction if she was a random person would be, &quot;who knows?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears she feels insecure (or other kind of uncertainties or lack of confidence, etc) about something unspecific. A better interpretation would be, she feels insecure about everything in one aspect. It's not about you, and you can't know its source easily, but you merely didn't stop it. Or more blatantly, they may not feel it's better to make some alternative choice that is bad for you (before they begin to feel desperate). You are just the indicator of something that may happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This probably applies to most kind of fear when someone has a strong emotional feeling. If the problem source is more unknown, or someone tells them unnecessary to learn, or someone has made sure only the obvious things doesn't hurt while the feeling itself persists, it probably would only makes it stronger. A known threat would probably be much better (before it's known to be desperate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think that if you are a nuclear physics, some anti-nuclear people may think you are the best indicator of what can go wrong. While they might be against your ideal and want to remove your jobs, that also means they respect you as the best professional in this field, if this field does anything good. They are personally bad for you if you don't intend to help, but you are not personally bad for them if they didn't go crazy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally people could have a very low standard for beginning feeling desperate in such situations for all sort of reasons. But before that, it's just a low priority problem, that you are supposed to either simply show them there are no (strong) indications yet, or you have understood it so well to a degree that justifies a one-time-for-all solution, even though there isn't a strong indication indeed. Or for simplicity, just stay calm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And unfortunately, being able or unable to answer the question directly, or even insisting on its low priority, or even showing your intention to be consistent, is more like showing there &quot;might&quot; be some unknown &quot;potential&quot; problems, which might be trivial problems such as you don't know how to deal with this, or not so trivial problems such as that she cannot understand or you also feel insecure, or some most crazy possible things saw in the dreams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Thinking too much&quot; about this, or more exactly, feeling too obligated and behaving like there is an unnatural deadline for resolving it while you think too much about this, is like saying it's necessary to prepare and deal with such extreme cases. And unless you do much more, by common sense she is not supposed to trust you with this premise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could say something like &quot;to stay calm usually means to show things works well and to leave the problem itself open.&quot; But that could easily lead to someone feeling too obligated to consistently not do anything for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The accepted answer should be the answer. But just some more information to make it more logical so that it could be adjusted for situations, and to answer the somewhat clickbaity title. Just another obvious thing: Not knowing how to react isn't anything worse than asking &quot;Why did you do that?&quot; itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3729" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T17:03:03.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12006" CreationDate="2018-03-18T17:38:45.630" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer lies more in the &lt;em&gt;&quot;why?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; behind the decision she wants to make, rather than with the &lt;em&gt;&quot;how do I convince her otherwise?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is almost certainly a good reason why. If she isn't being irrational on any other part of the trip, there is a specific reason as to why she wants to go with this route. It could be that she really wants to spend the money on something extravagant because she never does otherwise. It could be her dream resort since when she was a young child. It could be any number of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that, just attacking the problem and trying to get the cost down isn't the way to approach this. &lt;strong&gt;Even if you succeed,&lt;/strong&gt; there's a great chance that the fallout will be pretty bad if there was a good motive behind the extravagant room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be fun to guess what that reason might be, but it's really the linchpin to everything. Without the reason, you will continue to look like the bad guy simply because it appears that you're blowing off her emotions. You aren't doing that at all, but it can sure &lt;em&gt;look like it&lt;/em&gt; to the other person if you're being steadfast without inquiring further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've tackled the rationale behind it, you can more easily work the problem given more information. If it's because it's a special event, you can remind her that anything with her is special. If it's a lifelong childhood dream, then maybe you do need to compromise and let it happen. But all of that is conjecture without more information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13698" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T17:38:45.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12021" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-18T18:10:34.817" Score="5" ViewCount="1299" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm struggling to connect more with my mom and want to know how to overcome one of the most significant boundaries that keeps ruining our efforts. In short the challenge is that we have such different views and values when it comes to politics, budgeting, long-term life decisions and priorities. When it comes to life decisions &amp;amp; personal values it appears to me my mom is often self-sabotaging herself. When it comes to political views my mom attacks mine and we have fierce, passionate disagreements (political divide like is happening in many parts of the European world).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom raised my sister and I mostly on her own. That wasn't easy for her. Fast forward, and I changed my life for the better with education, hard work, and a mixed bag of luck with at least some positive. I now live in a different country than my mom and sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom and I talk on average about once a week and see each other on average once a year for about a week. We care about each other and let one another know. Where our relationship falls apart is in challenging personal quirks (example: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/7064/how-to-deal-with-person-offloading-their-indecision-on-their-host-under-guise-of&quot;&gt;How to deal with person offloading their indecision on their host under guise of kindness?&lt;/a&gt;) and - the main interest in this question - in views &amp;amp; values. Here are two examples of how my mom differs painfully in...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;strong&gt;political views&lt;/strong&gt;: My mother ridicules people who share my political values, and has what I see as extremist ideas in support of very conservative government, opposing any civil rights or human rights codes   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;strong&gt;and personal values&lt;/strong&gt;: My mom has never been good at managing money, and she's made her life harder a number of times through rash decisions, impulsive purchases, or simply bad strategies in my opinion. One example is buying a house. She lived in a dangerous neighborhood and it took a while but she was finally convinced to move. I urged her to make a frugal, safe purchase in order to gain personal and financial security which is especially important as she nears retirement and the country around her is struggling. She decided to buy a more expensive place, in a more upscale building. It hurts me to see her act in ways that look like self-sabotage to me, no matter how I empathize and try to see her reasoning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I do to overcome these differences in views &amp;amp; values, to try to build a lasting healthy relationship with my mom?&lt;/strong&gt; I want us to be able to share how things are going in life, and eventually I see that my mom would need someone she can turn to as she's older. At this rate, we can barely be open with each other (we try, inevitably it crashes and burns and it takes time to heal &amp;amp; reconnect), and if she tried moving to my country for retirement it would be a disaster (we can't tolerate living each others roofs and she gets pretty helpless when out of her routine/being in a new place).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1963" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T20:07:39.810" Title="How to get along with a parent that has painfully different views &amp; values?" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;politics&gt;&lt;reconnecting&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11981" CreationDate="2018-03-18T18:29:31.743" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be perfectly truthful, I think it's the culture in this part of the world, and there is little to do about it. Even if you bring it up with them in a respectful conversation, the men will not take you seriously and maybe even make fun of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that the next time something like this happens, just very casually call them perverts/uncivilized almost in a joking manner. (ex: &quot;Ew you guys were staring like thugs on the street. What's the matter, is your mother still supervising your internet, or are you just uncivilized?&quot;) It must be said in a casual and joking tone, otherwise, it is likely they will get defensive and complain to your boss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully after you point out the fact that you actually notice their behavior, the more decent ones will realize their mistake.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the men thinking single women are always available, you can mention in a few conversations that you are not interested in &quot;office romances&quot; due to the problems it brings; or you are busy trying to support your parents right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13224" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T18:29:31.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12002" CreationDate="2018-03-18T18:53:09.747" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This might come across as a little rude, but have you considered just indicating that their comments are unwanted?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd rather you didn't comment on my weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could follow this up with discussing why you are there and how you're progressing and asking them the same (and just generally letting the conversation continue), to counter-act the potential rudeness of the above:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm actually mostly here to build muscle. It's been going fairly well... What brings you to the gym?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you follow up with the above instantly without giving them time to respond to the first statement, that should significantly reduce the negative impact of the first statement, while still clearly sending the message that you don't appreciate such comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would probably be the best way to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Quickly change topics&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid similar comments in the future&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Still potentially allow you to have a friendly conversation with them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A positive potentially-deflective response, or ignoring it and simply changing topics (which can also be seen as a positive response), may lead to similar comments in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rejecting the complement would likely lead to them insisting and continuing an uncomfortable back and forth (as rejecting a complement is a fairly common response, generally taken to mean you're trying to be humble or complements make you slightly uncomfortable, but you still appreciate it), as &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12005/3296&quot;&gt;this answer demonstrates&lt;/a&gt;, and it could, in the worst case, turn it into a running joke that gets brought up pretty much every time you see each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T20:03:01.460" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T20:03:01.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12021" CreationDate="2018-03-18T19:00:28.020" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something that would be useful to keep in mind is to &lt;strong&gt;not engage in selective listening&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can usually tell when you're doing this if, when listening to your mom share her political or personal views, you say the word &quot;but&quot; -- or want to include the word &quot;but&quot; in your conversation with her. &#xA; However, telling people where they’re wrong is unlikely to change their minds or improve your relationship.  Remind yourself that winning isn’t everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you talk to your mom, let her know what your own beliefs are, without trying to persuade her that she's wrong. If she wants to learn more, allow her to ask you questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, try to recognize the core beliefs that you and your mom share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You may also consider avoiding discussing politics and personal differences altogether, but that would be tough to do, and probably a little unrealistic.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Friends-With-Different-Political-Views&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Friends-With-Different-Political-Views&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-18T19:10:15.333" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T19:10:15.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12025" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13051" CreationDate="2018-03-18T19:33:15.163" Score="16" ViewCount="3117" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner is &lt;a href=&quot;http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Gender_Fluid&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;gender-fluid&lt;/a&gt; and occasionally experiences &lt;a href=&quot;http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Dysphoria&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;dysphoria.&lt;/a&gt; Most often it seems to be caused by societal pressure to conform to their assigned gender, but occasionally they seem to have some body dysphoria as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm familiar with dysphoria primarily in binary trans contexts and agender contexts, but I'm a little unsure of how to be comforting and supportive to a gender-fluid person, as their presentation changes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really want to be supportive and my partner often turns to me for comfort when they're feeling dysphoric. I usually try to listen and offer kind words of encouragement, but it often feels lacking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As a supportive partner, how do I offer comfort to a gender-fluid partner experiencing dysphoria?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Their pronouns are they/them/their.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They also have the support of a licensed therapist.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T15:28:48.717" LastActivityDate="2018-04-15T03:18:54.867" Title="Comforting a gender-fluid partner experiencing dysphoria" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12026" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-18T19:40:27.000" Score="-2" ViewCount="873" Body="&lt;p&gt;I frequent a particular coffee shop 3-4 times a week, and am pretty familiar with the baristas, as I see them often. I've noticed one of them, C, is flirty and playful with me, and seems genuinely happy to see me when I come in. I'm interested in getting to know her better, but so far our interactions have been limited to brief conversations over the register. I've tried to occasionally steer conversation away from work, but she's busy and on the clock, and I don't want to be the asshole holding up the line. Knowing that what little relationship we have so far is business/customer related, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Is asking her out at work likely to be unwelcome/irritating/too aggressive? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) If it is, are there alternative ways to initiate contact that are less abrasive? E.g., would seeking her out on social media be appropriate, or just weird and creepy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For social context, I am in a small town (&amp;lt;20,000) in the United States.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15518" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-03-18T19:58:23.113" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T21:23:58.223" Title="Whether to Initiate Contact With Barista" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-03-18T21:13:18.680" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12026" CreationDate="2018-03-18T19:52:43.580" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't ask out your barista; she is there to work and is &lt;strong&gt;required to be nice to you&lt;/strong&gt;.  You'd make her really uncomfortable by asking her out.  If you see her outside of work, you may perhaps try and ask her to hang out -- but never do so, when she is at work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't wait for her to get off work either -- that's creepy and would scare her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't follow her around your town either -- that's also creepy and would scare her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing to do is to just leave her alone, but on the random occasion that you two run into each other, outside of her work environment, you'd have your opportunity to ask her out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, I'll share a personal story (for reference, I live in New York City):  I recently became Facebook friends with a really cute girl that I liked - she worked at a nearby ice cream shop.  After &lt;strong&gt;a couple of years of friendly, caring, professional relationship with her&lt;/strong&gt;, I finally decided to give her my full name and number, written down on a piece of paper.  She had outgrew her position and was leaving for a new job (still in New York), and I asked for her to keep in touch.  She added me on Facebook the next day, and we've been having really nice conversation on Facebook messenger ever since :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-18T20:22:44.477" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T20:22:44.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7064" CreationDate="2018-03-18T21:03:51.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds as though your patience is wearing thin with this dear but trying relative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My experience tells me that sometimes you have to change your attitude instead of trying to change the person who has such stubborn qualities. My suggestion is that instead of trying to reassure them, tease them by expressing exaggerated agreement with whatever they're saying so they can tell that you're not taking it or them too seriously. The two of you can both participate in this fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relative: What did I tell you? You're both so tired, we shouldn't have gone out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: You know, you're right, I feel like I might fall down onto the floor at any moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your partner: Me too, I'm so tired I might even have to skip work tomorrow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relative: Oh dear, I knew it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[big smiles from the two of you]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point the relative might give up, in which case you just change the subject and move onto the next thing after a pause. Otherwise, if she/he continues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relative: [whatever she/he says next in the same worried vein]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Who's idea was this, anyway, going out to eat? It would have been much better to stay home and cook. Cooking is so much more energizing than going out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relative: It was my idea I'm afraid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your partner: Relative, how could you be so thoughtless? [gesturing toward you] She looks like she's about to faint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: No, no, I'm fine really, I might just need to lie down for a few hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Each time, wait and see how the relative responds. Have a smile lurking, but stay poised and ready to continue as long as Dear Relative has the stamina for more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, once you start the teasing don't switch back to reassurances. You have to step out of that rut and refuse to play by turning it into a game. They insist on worrying and feeling bad, in spite of all your well-intentioned efforts to make them feel better? Fine, since you insist, let us help you worry some more [always with friendly and relaxed humor, not mean]. You might try practicing this ahead of time with your mate. If all goes well you might get a tiny smile or chuckle from your relative the first time you try it. Since you are taking the worries so seriously, not to be outdone, and encouraging even more worry, at some point your relative should reach their worry limit and give some sign of backing down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15520" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T21:08:16.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12026" CreationDate="2018-03-18T21:07:21.680" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;It depends&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is based on experience made in Russia, not US, so keep that in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is true that baristas and cashiers can be paid for being nice, or for having customers return to them. In this situation, if you ask her out, you can make her really uncomfortable, especially if you hold a long line for that purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to find a time when she isn't busy with her work (like when the customer flow is small) isn't a good idea: if she is just being nice because she gets paid for that, you will make her even more uncomfortable because she won't have an excuse to stop the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, you can try to watch how she interacts with other customers (find a table near the cashier's desk). If she &amp;quot;flirts&amp;quot; with all of them, she is not flirting, she is just nice to them. If you think that her behavior was special with you, &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; go ahead and try. Although you can still be wrong, so stay careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't stalk her, e.g. don't try to add her in Facebook, chase her in the city, &amp;quot;occasionally&amp;quot; meet her in a shop, in a swimming pool, and near a bus stop, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can politely pass your contacts on a piece of paper, as @D.Hutchinson suggests. It can be your phone number, or your Facebook address -- anything. But be prepared for a silent rejection. Or any kind of rejection. Yes, if she doesn't respond, it means a silent rejection and you should drop any attempts to go further. No, it doesn't mean that she has lost the piece of paper, if someone loses your contacts but wants to stay in touch, they try to get the contacts again the next time they see you. So if she doesn't ask you for your contacts the next time she sees you when she is not as busy as usual, &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;stay back&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she contacts you -- go ahead, that's your chance. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1581" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T21:23:58.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12025" CreationDate="2018-03-18T21:11:53.593" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Listening and words of encouragement during any crisis is often the best approach you can do. Only other alternative is to recommend they see a professional that has experience in this area. You must be doing alright considering your partner keeps turning to you for comfort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just keep doing what you are doing and if things get much worse, then your partner should see a professional. Also if your partner has gender-fluid friends, perhaps they can ask how they handle these dysphoric episodes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8115" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T13:05:44.890" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T13:05:44.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12031" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-18T22:07:18.543" Score="5" ViewCount="718" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do programming and web development as a hobby, and I have experience building computers, and have fixed computers in the past, so naturally I'm going to seem like a good fit for solving most people's tech issues... and sadly, non-tech issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I however, don't really like being non-tech/tech support for other people (particularly family  members since they ask the most frequently), most of the time because I can't solve their problem or the problem takes a lot of effort to solve; however, if I can help with the issue and it's a quick fix, it's no problem for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom is the worst in particular, because she acts like I'm a genius in all tech and non-tech fields, and that I can solve any problem ever, and that I don't want to help her. Examples of this include being asked to fix plumbing, help with fixing cars, and help with fixing household appliances, which are 3 things I am not very good at. Naturally, she's one the one that bothers me the most frequently, of all people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main problem I have with her is that she's extremely aggressive when I give her help. A lot of the time, me giving her tech support happens like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She calls for me.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I don't come, or say I won't help, she'll be upset.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She vaguely describes her problem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I ask her to show me the problem or elaborate further on the problem because her description isn't good enough.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the answer is obvious to me and I tell her and she's not&#xA;satisfied, she says I don't know what I'm talking about and/or that my solution is stupid.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I try to ask her further questions to see what the problem is and/or talk about possible causes to the problem rather than answering immediately, she says I don't know what I'm talking about, even if I tell her I don't know what the problem exactly is, or what the cause of the problem exactly is and that there's no magical way I can instantly deduce the cause of the problem or the solution to the problem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I try to give her places to look for information, or try to do anything that'd help her solve the problem on her own (now or in the future), as &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9042/how-to-tell-people-im-not-their-tech-support&quot;&gt;this question's&lt;/a&gt; answers suggest, I am told I don't know what I'm talking about and/or that I don't want to help and/or that I'm not helpful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I tell her I genuinely don't know anything about what she's asking for help about, she gets upset and tells me I'm not helpful and/or that I don't want to help.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;An argument ensues about how I do or don't indeed know what I'm talking about. I never get to finish what I was saying previously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I leave, annoyed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She tries to figure out the answer on her own, sometimes ending up with an incorrect or harmful answer if she does find one.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she finds an answer, she tells me and brags to me that she found the answer and that she knows better than me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she finds an answer and it's incorrect/harmful and I try to tell her, she won't listen to me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like it is genuinely impossible to help her most of time, because I never get to opportunity to finish what I'm saying or doing, and I feel forced to go get up and help her, despite knowing it'll be a waste of my time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sick of this happening and I'm wondering what I can do to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make her stop asking me for help, or ask me for help less frequently.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make her actually listen to me and answer my questions and follow my instructions when I actually do help her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13379" LastEditorDisplayName="user13379" LastEditDate="2018-03-18T22:16:17.233" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T23:11:06.090" Title="How to deal with people who are aggressive when providing/denying help with problems?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12032" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1536" CreationDate="2018-03-18T22:30:23.570" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm trying to understand why you need gendered pronouns for addressing someone? Wouldn't &quot;you&quot; and &quot;your&quot; work fine?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as the inter-company communication goes, if there's truly no need for the information you could try leaving it out, just ignoring that blank. I do that when I'm filling out forms that ask for my Social Security Number and I don't feel they have a legitimate right or need to have it. Sometimes they will want certain information but don't actually require it. Recently I asked a doctor's receptionist &quot;What is this authorization for?&quot; and she explained that they like to have a signed blank authorization on hand in case they want to send my health info on to a third party. It's for convenience. I said &quot;I see&quot; and sat back down and finished filling out the forms, then turned them in but without signing the blank authorization. They didn't insist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I agree with the suggestion that if you feel obligated to try to get the information you could frame the question as one you are required to ask, and make sure that you ask everybody. When I worked Non-Response Followup with the Census that's what I'd do. We were taught not to make any assumptions about someone's personal information. &quot;This next question may sound kind of funny but I'm required to ask, are you male or female?&quot; With a respectful smile. Of course that was very binary phrasing in accordance with what was on the form we were using, so you could word the question to better fit your own situation and goals. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that may be helpful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15520" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T22:30:23.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12031" CreationDate="2018-03-18T22:57:57.437" Score="5" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Reasonable People make Reasonable Efforts&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A reasonable effort is, essentially, to help as far as is reasonable given the various constraints, and to stop helping as soon as it becomes unproductive to do so. Beyond that, it's Not Your Problem (tm).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you're asked to help her with a problem, approach it as you would normally. If it's plumbing and you don't know anything, say so &lt;strong&gt;quickly and clearly&lt;/strong&gt; - &quot;That's not my area of expertise, Mom &lt;em&gt;(but I'd be happy to help you find a reputable plumber)&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, italics optional. If it's tech and you feel able to solve the issue, go about it as normal - start diagnosing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: &quot;My mouse stopped working yesterday! I've tried unplugging it and plugging it back in but it still doesn't work!&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: &quot;Okay, is it a wired or a wireless mouse?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  M: &quot;Wireless.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Y: &quot;Okay, when did you last change the battery? Could it be that?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  M: &quot;It was barely a week ago! Honestly I don't know why I ask you, it couldn't be that! You don't know what you're talking about!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;..okay, I might be exaggerating slightly. You might want to brush that off the first time it happens; you might not - up to you. The point is, when it gets to the point that her complaining is &lt;em&gt;obstructing the problem-solving&lt;/em&gt;, you say something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Y: &quot;I need you to answer these questions for me so that I can find out exactly what the problem is and get you the best solution. Can you do that for me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point being, tell her &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you're asking questions. At that point, hopefully she realises you're doing this to be helpful not to obstruct, and starts answering questions sensibly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, then you tell her &quot;I've tried my best, but without more information from you I can't solve this.&quot; - and you leave it there. End the conversation and hang up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she ends up with a harmful solution, and it bites her, &lt;strong&gt;it's her problem&lt;/strong&gt;. You tried to help; she was obstructive; no reasonable person can blame it on you. Again, tell her you're willing to help if she'll help you help her (and if you actually &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; willing to help), but apply the same principle - if she's being obstructive, she's on her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This whole solution is, once again, about setting boundaries. She currently seems like she feels entitled to your support services, &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; she wants them, and &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; she wants them. Not so: nowhere in the reasonable world do you get to dictate to someone their area of expertise and what information it does or doesn't require. Particularly since she's not compensating you for your professional services, she needs to either co-operate or solve it herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, of course, suggest she starts compensating you... $150 an hour, with a generous 50% family discount, might encourage her to start being more efficient with time :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="88" LastActivityDate="2018-03-18T22:57:57.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12034" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12076" CreationDate="2018-03-18T23:10:57.997" Score="8" ViewCount="950" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was recently a guest by my sister and brother-in-law, and over the course of my weekend visit he asked me several times to do very trivial things, for example, to bring him the newspaper from the table, while he's on the couch. Meanwhile, we were both reading different papers, and the only reason he didn't pick it up himself was out of pure laziness (I suspected such at the time, and he freely admitted such to me later).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't (and still don't) think it's a big deal to him the newspaper, but there were two issues that bothered me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;His laziness.&lt;/strong&gt; For the same price that I had to get up, he could have gotten up. It's not like it was right next to me and I could just toss it to him; I had to do the same &quot;work&quot; that he would've had to do.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The frequency.&lt;/strong&gt; I can understand if this happened once, but this happened several times a night.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have liked to say no, for the above two reasons, but I felt it might come across as rude, after all &quot;it's just a newspaper, how hard can it be to bring it to him!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this is one example, there are many such situations that can arise which are similar to this. In this case as well as others,how could I gracefully refuse to do it, without coming across as rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/1123/52&quot;&gt;This question&lt;/a&gt; is slightly related, except it deals with less trivial matters than I discuss, which make it easier to refuse without being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="52" LastEditorUserId="52" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T16:35:33.823" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T08:53:32.230" Title="Saying no to frequent but trivial favors" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12006" CreationDate="2018-03-18T23:50:51.173" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are doomed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do go to the luxury hotel you'll be unhappy, if you don't she'll be unhappy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply convincing her to go to the cheaper place won't fix this, because as long as she believes the $4000 option would have been the better choice, you'll be blamed for anything that isn't perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But there's a loophole:&lt;/strong&gt; Assume that you may be wrong and help her convince you. If she can convince you that the luxury hotel is a &lt;em&gt;reasonable&lt;/em&gt; option you'll both be happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her why you don't like the idea of staying in a luxury hotel, not with the goal of convincing her, but with the goal of having her understand how you tick so she can convince you. Help her to convince you, because if she succeeds you'll be happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T00:01:52.513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T00:01:52.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12034" CreationDate="2018-03-19T04:24:09.340" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... a guest by my sister and brother-in-law, and over the course of my weekend visit he asked me several times to do very trivial things, ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a bit of a toss-up as to whether the &lt;em&gt;guest&lt;/em&gt; is waited upon or does  chores to earn their keep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other factors are do they always have you over to the rich part of town and stuff you with the finest food while reclining in  luxury, while people don't visit you because you live in a small place with a lousy view - it's tough to balance what we don't know, nor how you expect it to be decided.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it your good fortune that he married your sister or is he just a useless idiot - why do you  visit there if they are like that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends on the customs of the location (I presume it's Israel), which can include many factors unknown to outsiders; since you haven't provided any information we'll presume that you want a generic and unbiased answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;two issues that bothered me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His laziness. For the same price that I had to get up, he could have gotten up. It's not like it was right next to me and I could just toss it to him; I had to do the same &amp;quot;work&amp;quot; that he would've had to do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be exactly the &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;same&lt;/strong&gt;&amp;quot; work - Example: You could grab the paper nearer to you and walk four steps while he would have had to walk around all the furniture and then walk back - 8 steps for you or 16 steps for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't mean that he shouldn't have gotten up and got it himself regardless, just wondering about the &lt;em&gt;measuring&lt;/em&gt; and your desire to be so polite while he is rude and lazy (as you describe it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is he programmed to be like that and you are programmed to accept abuse in silence?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The frequency. I can understand if this happened once, but this happened several times a night.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Agreed. Once is no big deal but a bad habit is not something you should support, especially if it affects you negatively. How often, over what, etc. - all things &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; need to gauge for yourself (and &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; won't be roped into playing 50 questions) - it really comes down to your ultimate  question ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have liked to say no, for the above two reasons, but I felt it might come across as rude, after all &amp;quot;it's just a newspaper, how hard can it be to bring it to him!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends on how difficult it is for him to do it himself - do you ask him to do stuff, how about asking him to do it himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I have gracefully refused to do it, without coming across as rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Say you don't feel like getting up right now, you'll do it later ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain that you like the way he does it (gets up and gets it himself) and you'd like to see it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Say you don't want to do his work, he's such a great guy that you don't want the neighbors to think he's lazy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of those are positive and some are complimentary ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can avoid all that by simply not visiting, explain to your sister why; she's likely to tell him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &amp;quot;better&amp;quot; (unwanted) advice is to be rude, make an incident out of it to guarantee he pays the price and doesn't repeat the behavior; why should  your manhood be downtrodden, stand up for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only you can measure it exactly, on the fly, and you'll have to live with the consequences - If you don't slave for him will he divorce your sister and send her back to live with you ... is that good or bad ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is your risk / reward - why do you accept that you must be the  &lt;em&gt;better&lt;/em&gt; person and not teach him some manners (yet we strangers must debate manners with you)? You don't have to be too polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T04:24:09.340" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12038" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12041" CreationDate="2018-03-19T04:25:24.790" Score="11" ViewCount="3483" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandmother moved away from the bulk of our family almost two (2) years ago now. As the flights are expensive, she only tends to visit a few times a year. However, every time she visits it causes conflict in our family.&#xA;This is due to her making herself out as the &quot;victim&quot; in any situation, and also because she tends to seed lies around the family (Although I believe this to be semi-unintentional, as in she does it without thinking.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's gotten to the point where slowly, but surely, each family member is pushing her out of their lives. I've always been the closest with Nanna, but I'm also getting to the point where I can't handle it anymore. As such, I would like to sit her down and explain that if things don't change she is going to lose her family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Examples:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;All of these examples are from her most recent visit, from the 8/03/2018 until the 17/03/2018 when she left, to give you an idea of the frequency of events. It's fairly long, but feel free to skip past. I've mostly provided it to give context to my families anger / annoyance&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Nanna was given a set of keys so that she could borrow my mothers car. This set of keys had everything (car, house, shed, clubhouse, safe key, ect) on it. Nanna lost these keys. &lt;br&gt;&#xA;Nanna proceeded to blame everyone but herself for the loss of the keys (E.G Calling my sister to say it's her fault for not &quot;immediently dropping everything to help search for them&quot;) and adopted a &quot;woe is me&quot; attitude (despite my mother being the one without keys anymore).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My mother and my Nanna (using the spare car key) left for a memorial rally that was being hosted that day. I was asked to look after my mums two staffys, however I wasn't informed that the keys had gone missing (which lead me to be locked outside my mums house, as she usually leaves a key behind for me). When I called my Nanna (mother didn't answer) to ask where the key was, I was yelled at and told &lt;em&gt;&quot;Your bloody mother probably has them in her purse, but everyone is blaming me! It's not my fault, [Asteria], she's lying to make me look bad&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and told I would have to wait outside with the dogs until they arrived home that night (it was about 9am at this point). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Because I was locked outside, the dogs were outside with me (They're support animals, my mother is disabled so they follow whatever human is home around). Coincidentally, the neighbors dog had been busily tunneling under the fence during that day and managed to get through to attack the staffys. I ended up scratched, bitten, bleeding and crying from protecting my darling boys. I called Nanna (again, mum had no service) to request they came home early (because honestly I was pretty rattled). The first words out of my Nanna's mouth weren't to ask if I / the dogs were okay, but instead &lt;em&gt;&quot;Oh, and of course it's my bloody fault because I lost the keys.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;For me, this was a fairly big sign saying &quot;I don't care about your wellbeing&quot;, and the incident that hurt me the most.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;At a family dinner, Nanna was saying terrible, hurtful things about my grandfather (much, much worse then what she normally says). However this time my uncle was also visiting (He was raised by Grandfather and lives near him, my mother was raised by Nanna). Uncle said &lt;em&gt;&quot;Mum, stop. That's my dad you're talking about. Can't we just have a nice dinner?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Nanna started wailing about how no one loves her, how we always side with Grandfather and how everyone hates her. To give you an idea about the intensity of the things she was saying, Uncle stood up and left dinner, and has refused to receive any of Nanna's attempts to contact him. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Despite being verbally abused last time, I foolishly agreed to drive my Nanna to the airport again (We're rural, so this is roughly 6 hours there and back with rush hour traffic). About 2 hours into the trip, there was a multi-car collision that collected us in it's grip. My Nanna began screaming at the top of her lungs once we'd crashed, however the crash wasn't &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; bad (Lots and lots of nasty bruises, but that's it) but since she's old, I was immediately concerned and ready to call 000. I have some basic first aid training, so I tried to get a grasp of the situation so that I could better deal with it and assist her. However, Nanna ended her mindless wailing and instead started yelling about how she was going to miss her flight. No concern about how my car was now completely written off, didn't ask if I was okay, didn't check to make sure no one involved was injured. She was &quot;the victim&quot; because she would miss her plane, and everyone else would damn well know that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When disagreed with, or told &quot;no&quot;, Nanna always jumps quickly to &lt;em&gt;&quot;You HAVE to be nice to me, I won't be around much longer&quot;&lt;/em&gt; to inspire a horrible feeling of guilt so that we'll &quot;be nicer&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nanna reacts to all situations with this mindset of &lt;em&gt;&quot;I am the victim, none of you understand how hard it is to be me&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. She's always been like that, but it has been rapidily increasing in intensity over the last few years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Uncle is already cutting of contact, and so is my sister. Mother and I discussed and we're both ready to give up on Nanna.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I want to make one final, last ditch effort to keep my family from cutting her out of our lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To convey to Nanna (without starting an argument) that -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;She needs to stop victimizing herself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;The family is already starting to remove her from our lives&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;It's not because we don't love her, but because her attitude is toxic&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;If things don't change she &lt;em&gt;WILL&lt;/em&gt; lose all of us&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15537" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T20:32:05.327" Title="How to convince a family member to stop victimizing themselves?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11981" CreationDate="2018-03-19T04:45:45.667" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should confront them the next time this happens. You can either address the problem in a joking tone as the previous answer mentioned or you can be really serious and ask if they didn't attend any anti harassment training and how they'd like a visit to HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience, it's not always about marital status and respect. It's mostly about how much lenient/casual/friendly the lady is. I'm a married woman from India and occasionally face the problem of guys staring at my chest as they talk. If I know the person well, I'll confront them about it in a casual manner (&quot;My eyes are up here&quot;/&quot;Stop behaving like a teenager&quot;) but otherwise, I just ignore the glances as long as their conversations with me are appropriate/professional. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was an unmarried lady in my team who was staying alone and everyone was always very respectful to her and rarely spoke to her unless needed. This was because in the very first week she joined, she confronted a senior guy (who couldn't control his roving eyes) by telling him directly within the hearing distance of the rest of the team &quot;Please look at my face when talking unless you don't mind me filing a HR complaint&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T04:45:45.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-19T05:28:14.507" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't need to say anything about &quot;overweight.&quot; Because the other. more pertinent issue is &quot;experience.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A two week hike, say seven hours a day (and maybe this is low) over 14 days is something like 100 hours worth of hiking. A person whose experience with hikes is 2-3 hours isn't going to do well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The difference (in proportional terms) is roughly the difference between a one mile run and a marathon of 26 miles. At say, two miles an hour (up and down hills) for 100 hours, you're talking about eight &quot;marathons,&quot; with one about every two days. If you put things in those (or equivalent) terms, your friend and the girlfriend might get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T05:28:14.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12041" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12038" CreationDate="2018-03-19T05:58:38.357" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;So sorry to hear this, Asteria. I hope you all are ok, and that you've recovered somewhat from the two incidents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people forget that relationships go two ways - yes, the grown-up next generation &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; respect and look after Nanna, but Nanna also needs to put in an effort to make it work ... or at least &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; make it not work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Growing old comes with many frustrations. Hearing, memory and eyesight go, chronic pain sets in, and to top it off, the circle of friends and family is slowly shrinking. It's easy to get into the habit of grumbling, even though it does no one any good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the sounds of it, &lt;em&gt;talking&lt;/em&gt; isn't going to help much. Try non-verbal interactions that communicate care: send her a batch of cookies with a chatty letter telling her what you've been up to recently (don't talk about the keys or any of the unpleasant interactions at this point); when/if there's another visit, give her a big hug and a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her pattern of behaviour has carried on for so long that everyone's keeping their distance, she's probably not been getting much positive attention. That feeds the vicious cycle of grumbling and distance. By giving her some positive attention, you're sending the message to her that someone still cares for her. You don't have to spend much time together, but whatever contact you do have, make them happy moments for your Nanna.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A word to the wise here: keep your interactions brief - at least initially. Don't stay so long that her old habits come back and turn things sour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably taken her a long time to develop her current mindset, so don't expect to have them reversed immediately. However, little flashes of happiness have their own way of accumulating, and perhaps over time, she would come to value the part of the relationship where she &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; a victim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt; To help your Nanna stop seeing herself as a victim, paint her a different picture so that she can see herself as something else: a beloved grandmother, a wise old lady, someone worth doing nice things for, ....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T05:58:38.357" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12043" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12045" CreationDate="2018-03-19T09:06:07.767" Score="46" ViewCount="72875" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am the smart guy at school and people always want my help. I don't want to be rude, but they pester me and I try to escape but I can't -- I end up spending a lot of time helping them to do a homework task that they were supposed to do themselves, so I just make things quick (as in 2-word answers or something like &quot;It's in the worksheet we have&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it doesn't end there. Say we had to make a PowerPoint presentation or something, and the guys realize I finished it but they have not. They then tell me to e-mail them and say &quot;Oh, we'll change the fonts and some of the words...&quot;. It is not even getting caught that bothers me (they're actually good at changing things up) it's that I don't want to give it to them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could just man up and say &quot;No,&quot; but then these guys help me out when I need them (not in the same way; sometimes it's a problem or a question I can't answer I don't ask for everything and then &quot;change it&quot;) so I don't want to rat them out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I politely get them to stay away?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So someone wants a cultural tag, there it is. Also, the problem gets repeatedly when people get extended due dates, in which case I can't say &quot;I'm not done&quot; because I am supposed to have handed in the assignment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15548" LastEditorUserId="3090" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T20:17:25.767" LastActivityDate="2019-11-11T12:46:44.300" Title="How can I politely refuse to help classmates with their work?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-19T09:18:09.657" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;Realize that you are also saying &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt; for their own sake. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, it seems that you are not at all unwilling to help. You will definitely help them if they face an actual difficulty. What you are trying to avoid is being exploited. Letting them exploit you is not going to earn you any thanks and not going to teach them anything useful for life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can decide in which situations you want to help out (for example if they have actual questions and ask for some kind of tutoring, or even if they had a family emergency and just didn't manage to finish the presentation). In other situations remember you are doing them no favor in the long run by supporting their laziness and letting them exploit you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, help them in the same situation and way as they would help you (giving them tips, instead of the full presentation, answering specific questions instead of doing their homework for them,...) This does not mean you are letting them down, instead, you are helping them in a more sustainable long-term useful way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you can tell them that. If they ask for your help, offer them the help you are willing to give. If they are disappointed to not get the &quot;easy way out&quot;, explain to them why you are doing this. Explain how it is helping them in the long run. Explain that you will still be there in an emergency situation, but this is not one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T09:18:09.657" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-19T09:30:12.630" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had to face the same problem with my classmates in my university often. After 2 years I decided to be clear about it. What I did was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do my work without telling them that I have already done it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Helped them with combined studies, with the intention of helping them learning what we missed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sometimes telling them that they need to do it themselves because they will not be able to learn anything if they copied my homework.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is pretty clear that if we don't make them realize the problem with this behavior, it will always result in resentment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will be times, when you may need to tell people to just NO or go away. Try to understand it with &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rcf5Dh7XD4&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this video&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13555" LastEditorUserId="13555" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T12:53:41.947" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T12:53:41.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-19T10:00:38.937" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are looking to qualify your statement of &quot;NO&quot;, but I really don't think anything you say will make them take it any differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You have done it for them in the past, any way that you say &quot;NO&quot; now will be interpreted as a withdrawal of help.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As they are willing to help you out in other ways it doesn't sound like the classic scenario of the smart guy being taken advantage of at school. The likely reason they make these requests of you is because they don't think they are putting you to any trouble. You finish the work before them, so you are making it seem effortless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to teach them some self-reliance. If you make it obvious you are doing this, they won't appreciate it. But if you don't reveal that you have finished your work, they can't expect the finished article.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not &lt;strong&gt;save an early version of your work&lt;/strong&gt; (say, one-third complete) and &lt;em&gt;when they ask for it say:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I haven't finished it myself. You can see my work in progress if you like?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask for a more complete version just say you are snowed under with work and you are hoping to complete it the night before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, if they persist as late as the night before or even the morning the work is due, tell them you are still working on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You may need to say:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really struggling to finish all this on time. I haven't got time&#xA;  to discuss it, sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This hopefully won't give them enough time to carefully edit your work as they have been.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although this may not seem like an interpersonal solution because it involves a degree of deception, you are communicating to them that the work is not without effort. You are also still helping them to a degree, giving them a head start - but they will have to do more of the work themselves. Hopefully this will show them that you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; willing to help but that they cannot rely on you doing it all for them. It may also suggest to them that the work is getting harder (as school terms progress it often does) and that they need to step up!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T10:00:38.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-19T10:17:44.450" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are smart. Now, you need to act smarter. Apart from the answers given here which state that you mention that have not yet completed your work, you can be a little more diplomatic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For e.g.,  X comes for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X : Hey, I need your help in this presentation. I would like to borrow&#xA;yours and make changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You : Hi. I have not yet completed mine. This one seems to be a little tough. Why don't we sit together and complete it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offer them to come to your place, have a small chit chat, eat cool stuff, have fun. This way you are also building a rapport with the other person and ensuring that the work gets done. Once the work is done, you could go to a near by pub or watch a movie and celebrate your small win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This strategy might not always work. Other time, it could be delegation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X : Hey, I need your help in this presentation. I would like to borrow&#xA;yours and make changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You : Hi. I have not yet completed mine. But, I have helped 'Y' with similar problem sometime back. Let's call him up and see if he is available. You could take his help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Call Y immediately, put him on the speaker phone and engage in a simple talk and then tell him that X needs his help. And let X take it up from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you are delegating the work without any negative connotation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These strategies could vary from person to person and situation to situation. But, once you start acting, you'll come across a few ideas on your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, remember, you are just in school. May be here you are smart. Once you go to some other place, you might need help from others too. So, it is okay to give your peers the benefit of doubt and help them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T10:17:44.450" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12048" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11994" CreationDate="2018-03-19T10:31:30.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few years ago i had the same problem as you. I fixed it on two ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;like peufeu said, give yourself a handicap. You don't have to announce this but try to do a extra challenge (so the other players don't know and maybe feel slightly worse about themselves if they win).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I played a lot of munchkin a few years ago. In this game you fight monsters and become stronger. One of the mechanics is that you can ask for help. I stopped for asking help and try to win that way. If I completed this challenge, I tried something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I made some new friends that were a little bit better in games. If you know somebody that loves games and is good, try to include him/her in the nights. This is of course your other friends like this idea as well. be aware, the new player is hopefully better then your friends. Try to play mostly against him so you drag him down. He will hopefully do the same with you. This way, the other players got a better chance on winning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15552" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T10:58:33.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11853" CreationDate="2018-03-19T10:42:48.200" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stopping only after &quot;no more than a few hours&quot; already sounds quite excessive to me. Gaming all day definitively is. Now that also money is involved, her addiction is becoming similar to a gambling addiction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your relationship is already suffering. Unfortunately, &lt;strong&gt;strangers on the internet can't help you&lt;/strong&gt; to cope with this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More importantly, we can't help you to help her either. That's because you can't cure her addiction. In particular, you won't be able to &quot;lecture&quot; her out of it. No matter how rational your arguments are, they will only be met with resentment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please seek help from a &lt;strong&gt;professional councilor&lt;/strong&gt;. Contact your local health board and ask for the number of a gambling or addiction helpline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.paproblemgambling.com/for-friends-and-family/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Pennsylvania Department of Health&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.olganon.org/spouses_of_excessive_gamers&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Online Gamers Anonymous&lt;/a&gt; have collected information for spouses of excessive gamers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T10:42:48.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12038" CreationDate="2018-03-19T10:46:27.107" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, it was your family's fault to handover the bunch of keys to your Nanna. If it were merely car keys that were needed, you should have given her only that set. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart from that, let's think about the entire situation from her perspective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the whole set was lost, she was afraid that you would start blaming her for everything and hence she got into a defensive mode. Unfortunately, you also ended up being outside home and she was more afraid that you would all blame her again for losing the keys. The situation did not end at merely losing the keys. There was repercussions of it. Internally, she knew it was all because of the lost keys, she was more afraid of the blame that you all would be doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And about the car incident, I think she was more afraid that she might miss the flight and she has to put up with you till she boards the next one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is old. She wants attention too. It is a natural thing. You cannot convey anything to her at this instant. You need to build a rapport with her to achieve any of your goals. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Send her flowers. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Send her gifts.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Call her once in a while and recollect an incident when she was being nice to you. Tell her how much you loved it. Do not keep the conversation long.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her about a nice movie that you watched in the recent past or a nice lunch that you had with a friend.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to recollect what she is more interested in. Talk about those things. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make her laugh. This is the most important thing.   How long has it been that she has had a hearty laugh? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Never bring any topic about your kith and kin with her. Restrict the topics to just you and her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more you make her laugh, the more she would trust you, confide in you. This takes time. Be prepared for the time that you need to put in. Even if the family loses her, ensure you won't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T10:46:27.107" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12031" CreationDate="2018-03-19T10:47:13.000" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You will meet people throughout your life who steal your time and drain your energy. Their usual tactic is to abuse your loyalty. You know you should be tough and say no, but when you do, they say &lt;em&gt;you're&lt;/em&gt; being selfish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is even harder when it is family, because you have love for them (which they can also exploit) and because you can't (and shouldn't) distance yourself from them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of retired people, or ones who do not work, they often have a very different sense of time. They have nothing to do during the day and so think nothing of calling someone for help. Part of that may be loneliness - they want to communicate with someone and a problem is an excuse to do so. Another reason is that they get used to it - if you are a working person like me, out of the house and busy during normal working hours, we never get to call into businesses or telephone our utility companies for help - we have to rely on email, internet solutions. But people at home get used to calling telephone lines for help instead of looking for answer themselves, and that habit can spill over onto family and friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the most peaceful resolution, avoid &lt;em&gt;refusing&lt;/em&gt; help, especially to your immediate family. Instead, &lt;em&gt;limit&lt;/em&gt; your help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, &lt;strong&gt;DON'T say&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't do plumbing, call a plumber.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Instead say:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I had that problem I had to call a plumber.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show your limits, no matter what the request. If you know someone is calling for help, you don't have to take the call. Reply with a text saying &lt;code&gt;I'm busy&lt;/code&gt; or &lt;code&gt;I'm at work&lt;/code&gt;. Demonstrate that you don't have unlimited free time to help them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if it is a tech request, you could say...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That isn't really my area of specialty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... and either offer to do some research (take your time if you do!) or just point them in the direction of someone that could help them. If you point them at someone professional who charges for work it will demonstrate to them just how valuable that expertise and time is!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But of course this only covers how you handle the query. They may as you say become aggressive if they think you are not helping them. Unfortunately, you can only really control how you handle yourself. But &lt;strong&gt;if you are accused of not helping, perhaps say:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm being as helpful as I can. This isn't something I know much about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they come back and brag about finding the answer as you say your mother does, then my suggested response would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's great! Now I can come to you when my washing machine breaks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T10:47:13.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12034" CreationDate="2018-03-19T11:06:32.937" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question is very specifically about saying no &lt;em&gt;whilst a guest in someone else's house&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all find ourselves in situations that are uncomfortable. When we do, we have a choice - stay out of politeness, or leave. As this is a family situation, you have clearly opted to stay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't really tell someone how to behave in their own home, but you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; exert your authority over yourself. You can rightly say that you won't go and pick up his paper for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try a 'soft' approach by acting just as lazy. Say nicely:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Aaw, I'm comfy, I don't want to move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, you could try a 'jokey' approach by saying what you are actually thinking but do so with a laugh and a smile:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't be so lazy! Get it yourself!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course with either these approaches you will have to be prepared for the consequences. If he &lt;em&gt;expects&lt;/em&gt; guests to do a few chores to earn their stay he may state this opinion, in which case you have a discussion on your hands; or he may just silently rage and express his opinions on you to your sister later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, family have to tolerate one another, and if you do exert your authority in this way then he may think of you as lazy, but really is that any worse than you thinking it of him? If you say nothing, whenever you visit your sister you will think &lt;em&gt;I've got to deal with my lazy brother in law&lt;/em&gt;; whereas if you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; say something then at worst &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; will think &lt;em&gt;I've got my lazy brother in law coming to visit&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get drawn into a discussion about it, maintain a peaceful demeanor, and stick to your guns. If you have opted for the jokey approach, maintain your humour too. If he thinks you are argumentative it may have an impact on your relationship with your family - or your sister may have to hear all about it later. But if you keep calm and keep smiling then at worst you'll be branded as the lazy (but jolly) guest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T14:31:15.317" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T14:31:15.317" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12034" CreationDate="2018-03-19T11:36:04.373" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A person is a king in their own home.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless they are extremely polite, they want to exert their power on the staying guests. Your B-I-L only wants to exert his power onto you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can either heed to his requests or try to overpower him, diplomatically. With this question, you surely do not want the first one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time when this happens, go, fetch the newspaper. But, do not give that to him immediately. Stand there, turn a few pages, read aloud an article. Tell him something more about that article, the good and the bad. Insist more on the bad. Tell him, this is what Newspapers carry and you loathe reading it. And then handover the paper to him. Ensure that there is a time gap between getting up and handing him the paper. This way, you are ensuring that he does not get what he wants on time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some other time, you can say, 'Anything for you'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other time, you can say, 'I really love the way you keep yourself updated'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The intention is make sarcastic comments but diplomatically. You are giving him what he wants and also making fun of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll have to device your own techniques while encountering such people. And beware about the other persons who are around you. If he realizes your technique, he might get more aggressive and ask you to work in-front of others too where this technique would fail. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T11:36:04.373" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12021" CreationDate="2018-03-19T11:54:39.527" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question is very specifically about a parent so likewise my answer is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all learn a lot from our parents, but we learn in different ways. Sometimes we learn from their good example; other times we learn from their bad example, or their bad choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have learned to make different choices, which is fine. It also seems you have a good relationship with your mother because you have regular contact, so you don't want to damage that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is my advice: &lt;em&gt;You don't always need to challenge your mother's - or anyone's - opinions or beliefs&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I say this is because a core belief that underpins a lot of other beliefs is that &lt;em&gt;everyone has the right to make their own decisions.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned this the hard way. My parents also bought a retirement house that is just too big for them. But it is what they wanted, and I've come to accept that. They haven't &lt;em&gt;lost&lt;/em&gt; money, they just used it a different way to how I imagine I would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for politics - I personally don't do politics - but in my opinion the politics of today are more concerned with &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; things are done whereas in the past they were more about &lt;em&gt;getting&lt;/em&gt; things done. This is two sides of the same coin. Plus, politics is &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; about two sides. If you are interested in politics which it seems you are, you should expect your ideals to be challenged sometimes. You specifically don't want it from your mother, so I'm going to suggest you avoid it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Retired people have lived their life, made their major life decisions, seen political changes and have formed their opinions. And you know, the world is currently in a bit of a mess if we are honest - maybe one or two of those opinions held by previous generations weren't so wrong? Whatever you think, you likely won't change her at this stage in her life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid directly talking politics with your elderly mother.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't tell her she's made mistakes with &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; money.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be more proactive with the financial advice. Don't argue over the purchase she already made, but offer to help hammer down her bills. Maybe tell her you got a good deal on insurance or whatever and offer to help her reduce the cost of hers on renewal? You say that you expect her to become &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; dependent on you as she gets older but she may like her independence, so things like this will ease her into accepting your help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T13:40:14.953" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T13:40:14.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11500" CreationDate="2018-03-19T12:22:24.740" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Jane is right in that you are involving yourself in a business that isn't yours, and I suspect a good share of the reason is that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; cannot manage your feelings about this affair and you are looking to unburden yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you've dug your grave much more deep by deciding on a course of action &lt;strong&gt;with incomplete information&lt;/strong&gt;. You do not seem to know what arrangements the couple has, if your picture of her husband is correct or her story is different. And you have picked a stranger over your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the perspective of Jane, your friendship is probably finished. While you see her betraying her husband, she sees you betraying the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Through Jane, you have also put John in a very difficult situation. He cannot possibly be in good relations with all of you after this. He will have to pick sides, but Jane will never be his completely (as it seems), so which side is he going to pick without being the big loser in all of this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The right thing you should have done is approach Jane and John and talk to them explaining that you are uncomfortable with their affair, it violates your ethical standards and you find it very difficult to stand by and watch it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, you didn't. When you're on the wrong road with no opportunity to turn around, speed up and enjoy the surprises ahead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all the above understood, you should see clearly that you already picked a side - Jane's husband and your own ethical standards. Now stick with your choice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You need to throw John out of your house. You already take pictures of your valuables - do you really think this will get better after a while? Trust, once smashed, is very, very difficult to rebuild and will usually remain damaged.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your friendship with Jane is already over. Officially end it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you've cleaned up there, only then are you ready to face her husband with the bad news, &lt;em&gt;because until you do 1 and 2, you are still accomplices&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you talk to the husband, be clear and factual and explain why you are telling him. (&quot;We can't cover this up any longer, we decided we need to tell you something about your wife. No way to put this nicely, so... she's cheating on you. Again.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can end in three ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;yeah, I know. What else is new?&quot; -- you might be surprised, but it happens.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He can direct his anger towards you, seeing as you've known for a while and covered it up, and blame you for supporting the affair, especially if parts of it happened in your house.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He can turn against Jane and John and try to recruit you as allies. As I said above, IMHO you already picked his side, so go the whole 9 yards.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think there is anything left to fix, or I would recommend an apology to Jane and John and a reversal of plans, but IMHO that ship has sailed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T12:22:24.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-03-19T12:42:32.827" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Andrew has a great partial answer: Some people enjoy flexibility, some people enjoy reliability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot change Summer. Tom might have a chance, but you are what to her? Acquaintances at best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; not allow her to dominate the group. If you come to the beach and that is where all of you want to be, and she doesn't - take a quick vote and if the majority prefers the beach, stay at the beach and inform her. Invite her to come, of course. She is flexible, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this comes to an argument, simply point out that the majority of you wanted to stay at the beach and that's it. No further explaining should be needed. This makes it clear that simply changing plans doesn't put her into the dominant position, unless she offers something better than the current plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it turns out that she's good at offering better plans, you all win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T12:42:32.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8845" CreationDate="2018-03-19T12:52:37.930" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your request is entirely unreasonable. They have been understanding so far, build on that instead of burning the bridge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In psychology, exposure therapy works by &lt;strong&gt;gradually increasing exposure&lt;/strong&gt;, not by isolation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly recommend rethinking your position. Some other answers already gave advise on details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offer your roommate a compromise. Instead of waiting for a month, allow her to bring him over immediately, if she agrees to have him over like a friend the first three weeks - no private time in her room, no intimacies in the house. The second three weeks, he can come as a boyfriend, but ask her that they don't engage in sex and he doesn't stay for the night. The final three weeks, they can do whatever they want as long as they make an effort that you don't notice it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something along those lines (adjusted for your triggers) can help you manage your emotions over time without fear of a sudden overexposure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also keep the apparently good and understanding communication between the three of you open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T12:52:37.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11490" CreationDate="2018-03-19T12:58:49.250" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Christine and Alice need to talk. Other answers already outlined quite clearly that no matter what you do in this matter, it is wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can facilitiate this meeting only in one way: Convince Christine to talk to Alice. Thank her for her trust and tell her that in your mind, Alice needs to know this, but as you promised her confidence, you cannot tell Alice, so you are asking her to talk to Alice. Offer her to come along and support her allegations with the behaviour in Bob that you have observed, &lt;strong&gt;but do not repeat or claim anything that you don't know first-hand&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Christine does not want to talk to Alice for any reason, assure her that you will keep the secret as promised, but that it is a heavy burden for you to carry. Inform her that you are worried about Bob for other reasons and that her story has strengthened your resolve to talk about these issues with Alice. Then go and do exactly that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T12:58:49.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2018-03-19T14:44:57.373" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Easiest way to make your brothers comply is by snitching, so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Get everybody's number into a family group chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't mind handling the mental management of the tasks (looking into what needs to be done, reminding your brothers to do their parts), and the only objective is to get them to work their share, &lt;strong&gt;create a family group chat with everybody in.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure mom and dad are there, even if they can't read the messages immediately. Now every time something needs to be done you let the responsible person know verbally and right afterwards you send a message to the group, along the lines: &quot;Asked Jamie to clean the kitchen&quot;. Then attach a pic of the messy kitchen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your brothers try to lie saying they have done it already, you ask them to send pictures of the clean kitchen. If they do a crappy job, take a picture yourself and post it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also add your own tasks being done (with the optional before/after picture).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way your mom will see that you're doing the task she expects of you -- &lt;strong&gt;which seems to be making others comply instead of doing it yourself&lt;/strong&gt; -- and if the boys don't carry out the tasks they're supposed to you will have a log to prove. Because of that it also does not matter if your mom get the messages right away. The log is what's important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is a lot of complain noise on the group chat, it will also serve to prove that your struggle with your brother's behaviour is real when mom is away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then use those events to &lt;strong&gt;ask your mom for help with establishing your authority&lt;/strong&gt; when she's away. After all if she expects you to do the same bidding as she does, you need at least the same resources. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then after a while of that they will probably start doing things as soon as you ask them and you can always have the group to snitch if they don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6479" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T14:44:57.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-19T14:48:09.880" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;How about:&#xA;&quot;I'm sorry, I'd really like to help, but I'm really busy with a lot of things right now. Maybe later.&quot;    You're still being friendly, and at the same time  non-committal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, it might be valuable to actually learn to say No.  It might be one of the most important lessons you'll ever learn.  I'm not talking about saying No all the time.. but well, try reading this:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Say-No-Without-Feeling-Guilty&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Say No without feeling Guilty&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15570" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T14:48:09.880" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12021" CreationDate="2018-03-19T14:50:23.757" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I do to overcome these differences in views &amp;amp; values, to try to build a lasting healthy relationship with my mom?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding to the answers that are posted here, I would like to say that : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start respecting her views and opinions irrespective of whether she is right or wrong. Her decisions might have gone wrong; some people learn from others' mistakes, some from their own, some never. Try to see under which category your mom falls in. And they proceed accordingly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my friends mother in law always made fun of the my friend maintained her house. It was wonderful but her MIL was not happy. Then, my friend took her to another friends' house which was perpetually unkempt. She had the shock of life and she started acknowledging how good her DIL is maintaining her house. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could probably use a similar approach, show her a few examples how a few people faired, how a few failed. Do not delve into the details. Do not criticize them or praise them. Just narrate the incidents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bond becomes stronger over the time when we start respecting people for what they are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T14:50:23.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11994" CreationDate="2018-03-19T15:01:49.217" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who is somewhat often in this situation, I suggest putting subtle handicaps on yourself. The keyword is &lt;em&gt;subtle&lt;/em&gt;; you don't want your friends to know you're &quot;throwing&quot; the game because that often can make them feel worse. So sometimes you win as usual, sometimes you might win by a slight margin, and sometimes you'll just lose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will allow you to continue playing the same games with friends (as constantly playing new games isn't a sustainable strategy), give them a &quot;fighting chance&quot;, and potentially open up a new avenue of enjoyment for you in these games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples of ways to handicap yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In a game with character selection, selecting a random character, a character you're not good at, or a character that is simply not good&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In a deck building game, specifically avoiding a certain card or a certain combination of cards&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; game, focusing on doing silly/fun/exciting plays over strategically valid ones&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that you shouldn't be removing (too much) fun for yourself. Make sure you enjoy playing with the handicaps you put on yourself - don't make the game so hard for yourself that you dread playing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T15:01:49.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5759" CreationDate="2018-03-19T15:16:01.020" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You're fighting the wrong battle&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've read every answer so far and even if it got approved and has so many upvotes I don't get how @anongoodnurse 's anwer can be thought to be good. &#xA;As you said you're usually good to talk with your mother and you didn't give any clue about troubles in your relationship with our mother. Confronting your mother like that may lead you to win this fight, but to be honest &lt;strong&gt;you'll be fighting the wrong battle&lt;/strong&gt; and it may cost you a lot regarding your relationship with your mom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The facts :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You were left in charge&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your brothers did nothing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't get why everyone is taking your side here, even though I can understand how bad it feels, &lt;strong&gt;YOU WERE LEFT IN CHARGE.&lt;/strong&gt; This means that if you can't get your brothers to do their chores, you have to find a solution but the chores need to be done. So far you've done it yourself which is a bad solution. &#xA;Your mistake here and what's making your mom angry is that she TRUSTED YOU to do whatever was necessary to keep her house clean while she was away and you failed to do so in order to demonstrate a point. The point you tried to demonstrate is actually something, but the main point is that you had to make your brothers do their job as the adult in charge, and you didn't. Her behaviour, even if it's a little excessive, is still right. It's your mistake before anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Fault vs Responsibility&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it can help you to picture this case in a different way imagine being at work. The team and you have a software to develop, the lead manager has to monitor everything to make all of you work together so the project will meet the deadline. If (for any possible reason) the project is late, it will be the manager's responsibility. It may not be his fault, but it will be his responsibility and theese two are quite different things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Solutions&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find a way to make your brothers do their job (maybe shut the power of if they're watching tv all day, or anything like that).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find a way to cope with your brothers not doing their job (do it yourself, pay for a cleaning lady and threaten your brothers to pay her with their savings, etc..).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find a way to not be the one in charge next time (tell your mother you'll leave too this week-end and there's no possible negotiation).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10828" LastEditorUserId="10828" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T10:19:22.413" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T10:19:22.413" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12066" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12083" CreationDate="2018-03-19T15:40:35.767" Score="8" ViewCount="1299" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I discuss things with people, I rarely bounce on what they say until something hits me because I just don't know what to say. I listen to them carefully, but since I'm not answering I just give off the impression that I don't care. Because of this, it's hard to get closer to people; they just flee thinking I'm not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, I'm living with a roommate who talks constantly and I'm not able to have an interesting discussion with her. She keeps coming back to discussions about some facts about her or her family. It's cool because she keeps trying, but it's also painful because I've always the feelings that what she says expects an answer just to keep her interest on the subject. However, I can't find anything to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I want to achieve&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to appear disengaged towards people I talk to. How can I convey my interest?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15571" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T18:32:19.990" LastActivityDate="2021-02-11T11:13:18.140" Title="How to convey interest while someone tries to engage me in small talk?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12034" CreationDate="2018-03-19T15:42:24.820" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I have gracefully refused to do it, without coming across as&#xA;  rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honest but polite: &lt;em&gt;Thank you, but I´d rather do that not right now.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T15:42:24.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11981" CreationDate="2018-03-19T16:19:37.603" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The earlier &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12039/381&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; by @svj carries high validity for coming from Indian women's point of view. I am Indian myself and understand your situation very well indeed, though only from men's perspective. In fact I just recently asked (and answered) a &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/11597/can-my-sister-convey-to-her-womanizer-boss-by-her-body-language-and-general-beha&quot;&gt;question&lt;/a&gt; here on how my unmarried sister can convey in a prospective job that she is not &quot;available&quot; for an &quot;office romance.&quot; The boss was alleged to be womaniser in that case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;1.Double Standards&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your main objection to those men's behavior seems to be the &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;double standards&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; involved in that, in an identical situation, the men were &quot;respectful&quot; with your female colleague, looking away because she was married, and outright nasty disrespectful with you (staring and giggling like schoolboys) because you are an unmarried woman they consider &quot;available.&quot; If that was not your reason then please edit Q to clarify.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sad but true, that double standard is entrenched in this society and also in many other cultures worldwide. Since the married woman is considered sexually &quot;unavailable&quot; in India by social taboo, those men probably did not want to &quot;inflame their senses&quot; in a hopeless cause. Moreover she could have insulted them loudly if she caught them staring and her husband could have thrashed them even at risk of breaking the law: both acts would be considered a justified reaction by most people simply because she is a married woman. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;2.Social Conditioning&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Married women are &quot;respected&quot; in India not only because disrespecting married women invites severe social punishment, but also because Society wants to condition women (and men) to see &quot;married&quot; as the ideal state and thus make unmarried women aspire to the married state. It makes it easier for patriarchal society to control women, though feminism is still not popular here. Unfortunately the negative form of reinforcing this social conditioning is to make unmarried women insecure by treating them disrespectfully as &quot;available till married.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;3. Futility of Discussion&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you are fighting established social stereotypes experienced by millions of women. The difference in those men's behavior with married and unmarried women is not even worth addressing with them because they seem stupidly insensitive from your description and probably wouldn't understand what you are trying to tell them. &lt;strong&gt;They don't respect the married woman; they just want to avoid complications&lt;/strong&gt;. You also risk wasting your psychological energy trying to make them feel your sense of injustice that you are not being &quot;respected as much as a married woman&quot;, when in fact you deserve the utmost respect &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;as a woman&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and there is no real way to interpersonally communicate that to a man who does not respect women in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;4. All That Remains&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that remains is to assess whether their behavior towards you specifically (ignoring how they behaved with the married woman) could be described as &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_Harassment_of_Women_at_Workplace_(Prevention,_Prohibition_and_Redressal)_Act,_2013&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;sexual harassment at the workplace&lt;/a&gt;&quot; or even &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.shareyouressays.com/knowledge/punishment-for-outraging-the-modesty-of-a-woman-in-india/120063&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;conduct that outrages the modesty of a woman&lt;/a&gt;&quot; which are punishable offences in India. Next time they do it, you can make that assessment and decide whether you want to file a complaint either with your superiors or with a legal entity. Note that the law does not differentiate between married and unmarried woman because it is discriminatory to have such a difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T16:52:28.000" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T16:52:28.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12002" CreationDate="2018-03-19T16:25:31.617" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in a similar situation most days.  I've been powerlifting for quite a while, and I'm still tall and pretty big.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I usually do is &lt;strong&gt;take the focus of the conversation off me and put it back on them.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ask them questions - what are you working on? You look like you've&#xA;  gained a lot of strength, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when you get enough traction in talking about what they're working on and accomplishing, &lt;strong&gt;use any similarities to your situation to inform them of your true workout intentions:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah, I've make a lot of progress in building quad strength lately&#xA;  too.  It has been a lot of fun to feel stronger&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people take the bait, there are usually places to politely place what your true goals are.  If they don't, or &lt;strong&gt;if they want to keep it about you and your weight loss, then you can politely move to end the conversation&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;well, I'm going to finish my last few sets now - good talking to&#xA;  you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14437" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T16:25:31.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-19T16:44:37.500" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Clearly your priorities are in the right place and your friends aren't. What I would do is inform them when you plan to work on the assignments. If your friends do not take this opportunity to work on their homework with you then they are the ones who are deciding not to take your help when they could have. Then if they decide to try and ask for your homework at the last minute you can tell them, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No, I gave you the chance to work on the assignment with me earlier and&#xA;  you refused.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts all the blame on them and they can only get upset with themselves for not taking your help when you offered it to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14219" LastEditorUserId="14219" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T20:34:36.717" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T20:34:36.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11994" CreationDate="2018-03-19T16:45:03.853" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another thing you can do is become the overlord. That means that you propose/allow them to gang up on you. I have been in that situation and in ended up in a house rule of &quot;Lets first kill the overlord!&quot; which is a fun proposal on it's own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing is to play games like the &lt;a href=&quot;https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/172047/others&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The others: seven sins&lt;/a&gt;&#xA;Where all players are supposed to gang up on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another handicap is time. You can make it your rule that you give your self less time to execute. It gives a disadvantage and you are not playing worse, just quicker, which is always more fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you can try board games that do not support your strengths, for example bluffing or go full RPG where the point is not winning, but telling good a story, which might involve you loosing a leg for sake of drama.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And lastly, you can add a subsequent game mechanics that logs your victories and gives you handicaps for them in future games. Either in game (for each victory you have more then your opponent, you get one less card.....) or real world like we did in &lt;a href=&quot;https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/22827/starcraft-board-game&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Starcraft BG&lt;/a&gt; where you have to make push-ups. The rule was as follows. For each unit lost, there was a fixed number of push-ups + the number of previous victories. And best of luck trying to come up with some cunning strategy after 50 push-ups ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4522" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T16:45:03.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12072" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12091" CreationDate="2018-03-19T17:16:24.110" Score="1" ViewCount="612" Body="&lt;p&gt;The following situation has occurred several times with B (the same person, in the audience), A (a speaker, different from time to time), and C (the audience, mostly the same).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A is presenting some topic at a seminar&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A presents some background material X&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;B interrupts, says something like &quot;how many in C already know about X?&quot; (suggesting that A should skip it).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;C, who is generally quite annoyed with B, answer in some half-hearted way, usually letting A go on with the background material&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find the behavior of B rude (I can explain in more detail if this is disputed). If it is rude, then what is a good way to call it out? I will soon be A, and would like to deal with this in a light-hearted way but still sending a clear message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Thanks for the many comments, and sorry if I did not make the question clear enough from the outset. It turns out there are actually three questions:&#xA;1. Is B's behavior rude and underhanded?&#xA;2. If someone is rude and underhanded in this way during a presentation, should one call it out?&#xA;3. How to call out improper behavior / make it stop (in this particular case)? Given that the obvious methods (raised eyebrows, few answers from C, et.c.) have all failed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;baldPrussian gives good suggestions in his answer, but I don't think they work in my particular situation. The polling is seldom actually carried out, and I think little is lost in thinking of the polling requests as slinging insults or statements-of-superiority-of-B at the A. Of course the simplest thing is just to ignore B, but that feels wrong (in the same way lying feels wrong).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11860" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-03-14T20:16:59.193" LastActivityDate="2020-03-14T20:16:59.193" Title="How to deal with rude interruptions in a seminar?" Tags="&lt;school&gt;&lt;public-speaking&gt;&lt;presentation&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-03-20T11:31:52.977" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12072" CreationDate="2018-03-19T17:53:07.857" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally hecklers at a seminar are rare.  When I help people speak publicly, I tell them a couple things:  the audience wants to see you succeed, not fail; the audience hopes more than anything else that you won't be boring and will give you every chance to not be boring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately there are sometimes people at these who either don't understand the agenda or have their own.  Maybe they want you to solve their problem.  Maybe they want to demonstrate their mastery over the material.  Maybe they want to get to the meat of the presentation and skip background material.  And there's always one person who is just a jerk.  Whatever the reason, there are some people who make seminars harder than they need to be.  They're rare, but you do sometimes run into one.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the presenter you set and control the agenda.  At first, I'd just continue. &#xA; Don't reward this behavior with attention; stick to your presentation.  That sends a message that &quot;this interruption isn't worth stopping for.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't change things, then I'd start out with a simple, &quot;We can come to questions at the end; I want to be sure that everyone has the same base to start from. Some may already know this; some will not.  Please bear with me for a minute or two so we all can ensure everyone's starting from the same place.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The message here is &quot;some people need this info.  Please be quiet and let me continue.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should quiet this person down.  If they persist, then I'd suggest something like, &quot;There's a lot to cover here.  Let's not waste time focusing on this background information.  I'm sure the other participants want to get to the main points of the presentation as well; your quiet participation would be greatly appreciated.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That says &quot;we're getting there but you're interrupting, please be quiet&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now let's assume that this person really insists on trying to run the show for you.  By now you've ignored them and told them twice to be quiet.  At this point, it's up to you to assert control.  &quot;The agenda was published, we knew what this was before the presentation.  I need to ask you to stop interrupting.  If you have questions about the content, we can meet afterward.  If not, please stop taking value away from the other attendees&quot;  Now you send the message that you're growing tired of this and need to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you've told him to stop.  By now this behavior should be done.  If not, then it's time to do one thing I learned from watching &quot;The Office&quot;.  Look the person squarely in the face and ask &quot;Do I have your permission to continue?&quot;  If they get smart and say &quot;No&quot; then ramp it up. &quot;Really?  No?  You want to decide for all these others that this presentation will stop?&quot;  If no change, then &quot;I'm going to ask you to leave.  Others are here for this and if you don't want to be here, then don't be here.  Please leave.&quot;  Almost never will you get to this stage.  Generally the second reminder is enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an audience member, if it's a small audience, I'd suggest merely state that, &quot;I'm here to listen to what this person has to say.  We can take polls afterward&quot; and leave it at that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T21:01:38.063" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T21:01:38.063" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12031" CreationDate="2018-03-19T18:03:27.643" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's my way of dealing with this. This may not apply if you live with your mom, but you'll probably be able to apply some of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone asks me for a service, and they're the real friends &amp;amp; family I know I can count on, I'll simply do it, of course. Also, it's fun and social to fix stuff with people whose company I enjoy. As you no doubt notice, problems occur with the other sort of people...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here's the flowchart when someone calls:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it can be done quickly, or if I feel like it, I'll just help. Otherwise, I begin by checking if they respect my time, by saying &quot;Alright, I'm busy now, I'll call you back in 20 minutes.&quot; Or something like &quot;Send me an email with all the details, I'll look it up and reply when I have time, no need to keep you on the phone.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Surely, if they expect me to spend time on helping them, they would be willing to wait a little bit, or make a small effort to explain their problem, right?...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not tell them what I'm doing, like say &quot;I have to finish my tax forms&quot; or stuff like that, because that would imply that I'm asking for their opinion and judgement on what I'm doing with my time, and it would invite them to decide their problem is more important than whatever I'm doing. That's not going to happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making them wait a little bit and being the one to call back also makes it clear who is going to be in control of the exchange. If I come like a puppy when they ask, they're the boss. That's not going to happen either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point if they want it &lt;strong&gt;RIGHT NOW&lt;/strong&gt;, I'll ask &quot;What's your emergency?&quot; which causes them to have to justify themselves, and fail to explain why it's urgent (well, unless it's really urgent, then usually I'll do it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they still complain that I won't do it &lt;strong&gt;right now&lt;/strong&gt;, I then grab my agenda and leaf through the pages, and say &quot;Hmm... so if you're unavailable in twenty minutes, how about I call you back on tuesday 2PM then?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then every time they complain, I push it back one more day, until they cave in and accept to wait 20 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;20 minutes later, when I call back, they've usually googled it and fixed their problem, at which point I'll lavishly praise their initiative. Or they write me an email explaining their problem, which &lt;strong&gt;forces them to actually think about it&lt;/strong&gt; instead of calling me, and by actively thinking about it instead of calling someone for help, they find the solution! Ain't life good?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, all of this is aimed at creating the correct frame for the interaction that will follow, which is that I don't mind helping them, but I'm not going to take any attitude. So, for example if they don't listen and I have to repeat the same thing twice, the third time I'll just say &quot;I already said that&quot; and that's it. If I get more attitude, it's &quot;You're not listening&quot; and if the next thing they say isn't convincing, I just hang up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any attempt to shame me into doing something, ie what your mother does, like &quot;you're selfish&quot; or questioning my abilities gets &quot;Excellent, we have determined you need &lt;strong&gt;someone else's&lt;/strong&gt; help then, goodbye.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works &lt;strong&gt;reeeeeeally well&lt;/strong&gt;. In fact, I usually have to do it once per wannabee moocher, maybe twice if they're a bit slow, and after that, boundaries are established, and they get a lot more polite and all goes well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who want to exploit you are perfectly able to interact with you in a nice, friendly and exploitation-free basis... but only after they realize they have no other option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you're in deeper trouble, since you seem to live with your mom, and thus you can't hang up on her... But you can (and should) use the waiting time rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now let's go meta. If you live with your mom you're expected to help in the house. That's normal. What isn't normal is her attitude, which is counter-productive, as she's really doing her best to piss you off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom doesn't seem to understand that both her authority on you, and your willingness to help her, are a direct result of how much you respect her... and she seems to be doing her best to ensure you don't respect her by putting you down for reasons that you know are false (you mentions this very clearly in your question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;read this&lt;/a&gt;, and if it checks out &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2016/07/09/how-being-raised-by-a-narcissist-damages-your-life-and-self-esteem/#771119842c67&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;read this&lt;/a&gt; and try &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this support group&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it doesn't check out, which is the most likely, you can try &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Gordon_(psychologist)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Gordon's method&lt;/a&gt;. Read up on active listening and I-messages. It is very interesting and it will help you. Normally, she should be the one reading it, but it seems she's less mature than you, so you'll have to adult instead! The goal should be to make her understand that her way of doing things makes you less motivated to help. It won't happen instantly, but this method does work well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T18:03:27.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-19T18:12:59.240" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like your two-word strategy – a good step in the right directon. It seems that you really want to do the right thing, which in this case will also give you your lunch back too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Helping the power-point copiers is truly not doing them any favors. Even if what they are asking to copy isn't difficult work, time management is a big part of school. Of course, saying that to their face may not be an option for you so, here is a little plan I use for many similar situations: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Plan on telling (whomever) the truth, &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; include the good with the bad (I know, I know, hang on for a moment.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Figure out &lt;em&gt;what that truth is&lt;/em&gt;, and how &lt;em&gt;you are comfortable&lt;/em&gt; expressing it. Here are some guesses at what your truth might be, probably a combination: &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really do want to help them. &lt;br&gt;&#xA;You would feel bad in a way about not doing it. &lt;br&gt; &#xA;But you end up spending you entire lunch hour doing everyone else's work. &lt;br&gt;&#xA;You're hungry and don't want to work through lunch hour!  &lt;br&gt;&#xA;(And if you really want to &quot;man up&quot;) &lt;br&gt;&#xA;&quot;You know I would not be really helping you if I would do this&quot; (with humor and an eyebrow raised)  &lt;br&gt;&#xA;(Get a little mad?) &lt;br&gt;&#xA;You did this work last night so you could have your lunch hour free today. &lt;br&gt;&#xA;You don't want to be a  but you are not comfortable with that.   &lt;br&gt;&#xA;You're sorry, but you can't deal with it today. (On days – or months, you can't deal with it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, these truths/wordings may not be right for you (I am just a bit older than you are.) What is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; truth about the situation?  When you find that, I think you will know what to say to stand up for yourself, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some possible crutches:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do it one last time, and warn them, in whatever language you find useful.  For example, You really want to help you out, but you are not comfortable doing this regularly, so after they are on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make a &quot;rule&quot; a &quot;policy&quot;: You really want to help, but you end up not having time to eat – or, you have your own stuff to take care of today. (that can include having lunch, and socializing. We all need a break.)  &lt;br&gt;&#xA;This has just gone too far, you can't help everyone, so you are not helping anyone for a while.  &lt;br&gt;&#xA;You did your work last night/too many are asking for help/etc., so you made it a rule to not help during lunch hour.   &lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By making a &quot;policy&quot;, or &quot;rule&quot; (and you don't have to call it that necessarily, you can just say the rule), you sort of make it a general condition rather than a personal rejection. &#xA;By saying &quot;not during lunch hour,&quot; you are not closing the door, but you are limiting access. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people drop you as friends for this, they were never true friends to begin with. I know that is a cheesy line but it is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; true. There's a way to shake up one's thinking on a problem like this: Would you ever go up to a respected friend during their lunch hour and ask them to copy their work for you and miss their lunch hour? &lt;em&gt;Repeatedly&lt;/em&gt;?  Sounds pretty presumptious, doesn't it? Your real friends will get over it. Those that don't may have been using you, which may hurt, but at least you will know. Would you be offended and drop the person if a person who had been doing you favors said that they couldn't do a particular one anymore?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have asked for a less-the-ethical favor in the past, you may need to deal with that truth too. Turn over a new leaf? Or pay your &quot;debt&quot; and then stop. Know too that many instructors will give you an extension of you are a generally a responsible student, and if something bad has happened. If a student broke up with their boy/girlfriend, and asked for an extension, many would give it. Stuff happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setting boundaries like this is not easy.  If you are able to do it, you will learn some important things about yourself.  When I can't seem to be able to do something I want to do, I think about what is missing, what conditions, help, experiences, anything, would help make me &quot;ready&quot; to leap that fence. What conditions would make you ready to do so? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, if you are worried about friendships, know that his is probably the most difficult time – in college, there are many more people, and you will find those who are a bit more like you, and probably thoroughly enjoy yourself. You are not there yet, but you sure seem to be on the right track. LF PhD&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15578" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T18:12:59.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12034" CreationDate="2018-03-19T18:15:41.620" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can make it less convenient for him to ask you than to do it himself.  When you're both sitting there reading and he asks you to fetch the newspaper, you can say &quot;I'll get it in a few minutes, after I finish this article&quot;.  Or you can be really engrossed in what you're reading and not answer him immediately at all.  I've used this approach with relatives (though not specifically as a &lt;em&gt;guest&lt;/em&gt; of relatives), and I've also used it a lot with coworkers over the years.  The message you're sending is &quot;yes I'll help you, but right now I'm busy so you'll have to wait&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to send a stronger message, then after this has happened a couple times, when you're fetching whatever he's asked you for this time, you can ask &quot;while I'm up, is there anything else you'd like me to get you?&quot;  This is a subtle way to nudge him to &lt;em&gt;group his requests&lt;/em&gt; -- one multi-step interruption isn't as annoying as six individual ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T18:15:41.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12034" CreationDate="2018-03-19T18:31:50.820" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a certain personality type of person that will always push you to see how much they can get you to do for them.  They do this out of laziness.  But also because of the sense of power they get from being able to get some one else to do their bidding.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So next time he asks for something inane.  Stand up for yourself and tell him no. Don't get mad about it, anger has a tendency to spread.  But it's probably ok to sound annoyed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're an adult do it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding in the &quot;You're an adult is a reminder to him that he is responsible for himself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you prefer to keep things simpler and avoid as much confrontation as possible you could just say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you'll find that after telling him no a few times he stop pestering you and start pestering some one else.  Although there is always the chance he could try to get tricky.  Like waiting until you get up to get a drink and then asking you to bring the paper.  So decide before hand what you want to do when he starts trying to get tricky.  Personally I would call him out on it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="9319" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T08:40:48.420" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T08:40:48.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11982" CreationDate="2018-03-19T18:52:23.677" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider: &quot;The girl in the dream &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; you, because everyone in our dreams is ourselves, but they represent parts of ourselves that we may not recognize. The dream means that I love &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; of you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth a shot. It's consistent with respecting her feelings, engaging in the meaning of her dream, and re-inforcing your monogamy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At worth, she'll think you're the one being silly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1687" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T18:52:23.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12079" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12135" CreationDate="2018-03-19T20:06:38.747" Score="32" ViewCount="16378" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have been married 4 years (United States). We had a baby 6 months ago and 8 months ago my wife quit working, it started to be to much on her physically and now we both like that our child is not in daycare, which means someone has to be home, this ended up being my wife as she worked part time and my income far exceeded what she earned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Originally we had our own bank accounts, she still maintains her own checking account and is now on as a registered user at my credit union on my accounts (checking, savings, special purpose and daughters account). A couple years ago we went to my credit union and got her a debit card to use against my checking account as she felt that if something happened to me she would not have any money. Many years ago, probably 7 or 8 we decided that since I am more disciplined with money that I would be responsible for making sure all of our bills were paid, both personal and joint (credit cards we had before each other, mortgage etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since my wife is no longer employed (albeit working pretty hard, babies are demanding little bosses) she has obviously no personal income. This is the point in which we differ in our though process, she &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;feels&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; that money earned from employment is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;hers or mine&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, where my thought process is, we are married, and all accounts except her checking are joint, there is no yours and mine, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;there is only ours.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she does have a debit card linked to what is now and has been for awhile now, our checking account, my philosophy is, if you need something just swipe the card, that is after all why she wanted it, to be able to access money in what was previously my checking account before she became an authorized user on my accounts (which at the institution is equal to joint). After about two months my wife started to tell me that she wanted a weekly allowance so she can make her own purchases without me seeing what they are as I don't need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife also states that she feels guilty swiping the debit card and that she feels like she needs to get my permission before using it, she only needs to &quot;ask my permission&quot; (which isn't really asking my permission, it's informing your partner of what you intend to do with a larger amount of money which is a reasonable thing to do in my opinion) if the purchase is large, which I always do as well. I choose to do that for purchases of $20 or more, it just keeps her informed of where the money went, other then that, use it for what you need it for, gas, groceries, misc crap at 7-11.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today she forgot her PIN, and this brought up the conversation again of her having her &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; money. She wants an allowance, so for either me to write her a check every week that she can go deposit in her own bank account (which I am not on) or for me to give her cash. My reply was in my view of the logical sort, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;if you need to get something, then swipe the card, that's why you have it.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, as it did in our previous discussion on this matter, make her mad. She stated that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;You should not need to see every transaction that I make&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; so again my response which was taken not so well was &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;what do you mean I don't need to see every transaction, what are you trying to hide, you have the debit card to use, that's why we got it for you, so use it and if you have to have cash for some transaction, go to the ATM and get it&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; I personally do not take an allowance, I don't understand the point, if I need something I get it or ask my wife while she is out and about to get it for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My response was like that because it has happened to me on multiple occasions where a family member has just used my credit card to get what they want without my knowledge or even just coming to me and asking, which I count as theft. I have also had to close and open checking accounts on at least three (3) different occasions due to someone gaining access to my account, so I am always suspicious and always check my bank account, sometimes multiple times a day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach this to discuss with her so that we can both get our feelings across and understand each other's side? To me it feels like I just have to give her whatever allowance she wants, which leaves me feeling resentful, which I can't stand for obvious reasons. I know I am failing to understand her point of view as I think she is also failing to see mine. As I said, there is, in my opinion, no your money or my money, there is one income in our family unit and it is our income.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am by no means trying to &quot;control her&quot;, she can do whatever she wants, she is a human being. As I said in the above, as far as I am concerned we don't have &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;our own money&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, we have a joint account where all the bills get paid from, she used to get the groceries on her own from her checking account when she was working, but now she is working at home, meaning taking care of our child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15585" LastEditorUserId="15585" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T18:57:41.877" LastActivityDate="2020-08-03T08:28:30.263" Title="Wife does not work but wants “own” money/allowance" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12002" CreationDate="2018-03-19T20:48:24.110" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Dang that's really frustrating that people keep trying to fit you into their preconceived molds.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I express to people that this sort of stuff isn't welcome, or&#xA;  otherwise avoid the trap of &quot;accepting&quot; compliments that kinda make me&#xA;  feel awkward and uncomfortable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) avoid accusations  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Make it about you not them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) be honest&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) keep it simple&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;5) provide empiracle evidence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example next time you might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Actually I've gained 50 pounds and I feel really good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If some one still doesn't get the hint and continues giving you these hurtful compliments.  You could say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would rather people didn't comment on my weight.  I will never fit&#xA;  the skinny mold.  I'm just here to make myself healthier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If some one wants to argue with you after that,  well I would say just walk away.  That should effectively communicate that you don't want to hear any more about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2018-03-19T20:56:08.290" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T20:56:08.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-19T21:00:20.037" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had some similar situations while I was in school in the US, and I would encourage you to remember people are creatures of habit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do their work for them now, next week they are presented with an option:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do it themselves&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have you do it for them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a pretty easy choice if you're looking for the easy way out: they'll let you do it every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how do we fix this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Set boundaries and stick to them:&lt;/strong&gt; for me, there were two parts, which I held very firmly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I will help them learn how to do their work, I will not provide answers or do their work for them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need to write a MySQL statement to get all the rows where the user&#xA;  last name is &quot;Murphy&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can answer this question, and I may be tempted to do so, but that doesn't help them (or me, in the long run). It just increases their reliance on me and I don't want them to rely on me for their homework.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead, I would guide them to discovering the answer. Usually after helping them through 3 or 4 problems they can then complete the rest of the homework themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are unable to continue on their own, &lt;strong&gt;it's not my job to be their teacher&lt;/strong&gt;: while I'm perfectly willing to help in many cases, I would also frequently suggest they go to office hours, seek out the TA, or go to the study center for help, as they needed more help than I was willing to provide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't cheat/share answers/allow copying/etc...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to stick to this very long before people stop bothering to ask... but this also means don't expect them to let you copy a homework you stalled on. It's a two-way street, so be prepared for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had to have the hard conversation before of: &quot;Even if I did your work for you, I might not finish in the time you have left. In the future, don't wait until 11pm for a 2 hour project due at midnight.&quot; And yes, they may blame you for their poor time management, but ultimately they aren't entitled to your help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also make deals like: I'll help you if you buy pizza. Then at least I'm getting &quot;paid&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3633" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T21:00:20.037" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12082" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12066" CreationDate="2018-03-19T21:02:55.430" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, be an active participant even when you don't have anything substantive to say. Make sure to make eye contact, nod, and add small comments like &quot;yeah&quot;, &quot;cool&quot;, &quot;that sucks&quot;, &quot;I've heard that too&quot;, etc. to show that you're actually listening and not zoning out. (This is based on an American perspective, in other places people may be expected to listen more quietly. But here at least, it makes you seem more engaged.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, come up with related questions/responses. If she's talking about a sibling, you can ask if she has any others, or if she misses them, or something. Or you can offer up relevant tidbits about your own family. If she brings up a topic you are more interested in, try to steer the conversation towards that so you can participate more easily: for example if she's saying how her family is from [somewhere cold] and you're interested in winter sports that's a great chance to ask if it snows a lot and see if she skis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thirdly (and most difficult), try to start conversations with her yourself. When you read or notice something relevant to her interests (this could be anything - maybe you saw a flyer for a concert she might like, or a cute cat in the next door neighbor's window, or you had a really delicious meal somewhere that she might want to try), remember it and mention it to her. This could be the hardest but will probably go the farthest. If you're just replying when she talks to you, she might feel like you're just being polite out of obligation. Bringing up your own topics will go a long way to help with this. If they are things you're both interested in that's best of all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14225" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T21:02:55.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12066" CreationDate="2018-03-19T21:06:24.270" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I convey my interest [in what some one is talking about]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are three aspects to communicating your interest that I can identify.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;1) listen to them.  This involves looking at them, and other body language that conveys interest. &#xA;2)  Contribute to the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your post it appears you already do number 1 quite well, congrats believe it or not many people don't know how to listen.  Its a valuable skill.  So &lt;strong&gt;how can you contribute?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I like lists)&#xA;1) ask questions.&#xA;2) make comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;about 10 years ago I was starting to date, and develop friendships at a new school with new people and I found it very hard to contribute to conversations.  They key that I found was &lt;strong&gt;that I just had to say the first thing that came to mind.&lt;/strong&gt;    Now some folks are going to read this and panic.  They will probably say &quot;what! you have to have some sort of filter!&quot;  And they are right.  But right now you don't need to work on your filter you need to work on speaking up. So speak up.  Say the first thing that comes to mind.  Tell them what you think and ask questions about what they are saying. It shouldn't take too much practice for you to get good at it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T21:06:24.270" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-19T21:34:32.403" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in the exact same boat as you, and it's no fun at all. It's always awkward when your friends ask you for work they know you've done but that you don't particularly want to share. First, let me be clear, &lt;strong&gt;you do not owe them your answers&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, they're your friends, but it took you a lot of time and effort to finish that assignment. When your friends ask you for work you've already done, they're asking you to dip into your own time further so that they don't have to dip into theirs. Frankly, that's not very nice. Obviously if it's once in a while that's different, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Here's what I did to reduce the number of requests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) &lt;strong&gt;Drag your heels.&lt;/strong&gt; It's 8:00 on Thursday night and your assignment's due next morning. Just like clockwork, you get your weekly text, &quot;Hey, are you finished with the ____ assignment?&quot; Ugh, of course you are. You've always finished it by now. The problem is, your friends know this, and that makes you a guaranteed source.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time you get that text, don't answer it right away. Give it half an hour or so. Then once you answer and they text you back, wait again. The idea is to break the mindset that you're sitting there ready to help whenever they want you to. If you all of a sudden become a slow source of information, they may look for a faster one. Or even better, they might even solve a lot of their work on their own waiting for you to get back to them! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be sure not to apologize for responding slowly (I wouldn't even bring it up). If you give them the impression you're supposed to be getting back to them right away, they'll keep expecting it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) &lt;strong&gt;Ask them &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; what they're looking for.&lt;/strong&gt; Most of the time, if I let my friends describe what they needed help with, they'd end up asking for the whole assignment. So I pretty quickly started asking for specifics. When they'd say &quot;I need help with this assignment,&quot; instead of asking &quot;what do you need help with?&quot; I'd ask &quot;which questions do you need help with?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This forces them to describe up front what they expect from you, in a bit of detail too. Usually, I'd get &quot;we're having trouble solving questions blah and blah.&quot; or something similar (if you find you're still being asked for most of the assignment, look at part 4). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you're giving them arbitrary amounts of help, it's easy for them to say &quot;oh, I'm also stuck on problem 4&quot; after you've solved 1-3. Asking them to lay it all out upfront makes it much more awkward for them to tack another problem on. Don't forget you're only in this position because they're asking you something that's awkward to decline. Don't be afraid to put them in an awkward spot too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) &lt;strong&gt;Be less certain of your answers.&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah, this one's a little underhanded. If I just simply didn't want to give an answer (if I worked particularly hard on it, or if they'd already asked me for too much), I'd tell them I wasn't sure about it. The more they pushed, the &quot;more certain&quot; I was it was probably wrong. This does 2 things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, it gives some natural sense of pushback against their request. Making up an excuse and using it over and over forces them to ask you repeatedly for your work. I've found it's already kind of awkward to ask in the first place; sometimes they'll just give up instead of ask 3 or 4 times. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, you can't pass off wrong work as your own. If I make a stupid math mistake and they make it too, someone plainly cheated. Telling them your answer's probably wrong translates to it being a higher risk answer. There's always a chance that means it's not worth it to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) &lt;strong&gt;Don't be afraid to draw a line.&lt;/strong&gt; This one's a little tough, but you're going to have to do it sometimes. Sometimes step 2 doesn't work. They'll answer &quot;what problems do you need help with&quot; with &quot;I just don't understand this assignment at all,&quot; or something similar. At that point, it's ok to say &quot;I can't just give you the whole thing!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, your friends know they're putting you in an awkward spot to begin with. Drawing a line helps remind them you're not completely comfortable with their request. It also helps remind them that you aren't going to give them every answer they ask for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continued asking me for more than I was willing to help, I'd start dragging my heels a little more. Don't be afraid to hold your help a little hostage. I know it feels mean, but once they realize that being too demanding translates to no help, they'll hopefully start requesting help at a more reasonable rate. Often I'd wait a little while then get a text saying &quot;ok, we've worked out most of them, but we still can't work out numers 11 or 16,&quot; which is a request I'm more than happy to help out with! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T21:34:32.403" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12087" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12031" CreationDate="2018-03-19T22:01:25.190" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally it's an issue for me when people ask for my help and then either argue with me or otherwise don't accept it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, her being upset isn't being upset.   &lt;strong&gt;It's manipulation&lt;/strong&gt; and as long as you let it effect you, it will continue.  So deal with that first.  She's a grown adult and you are, too.  It's time to interact like that.  &quot;Mom, I'm sorry you're upset.  I'll call you later after you've had a chance to calm down.&quot;  And stick to it.  Trust me, when getting upset doesn't get the result she wants, it'll slowly grind to a halt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, she wants to argue about whether you know what you're talking about.  Take that and use it.  &quot;Mom, it's obvious you don't think I know what I'm talking about.  I'm not going to argue about this with you.  You can either accept the help you asked for, or reject it.  I'm going to go now and you can decide what you want to do.  I'll call you to chat about other stuff tomorrow.&quot;  And stick to that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't make someone listen to you.  But you can reject their not listening to you.  My response when people ask for my help and argue with me is pretty simple: &quot;You asked me for help.  Why are you arguing with the answer?&quot;  And if it continues, &quot;I'm not wasting my time on this discussion.  You have my answer and can either accept or reject it.  Good day.&quot;  Yes, you come across as snippy.  But that also sets the expectation that when someone asks your for something, you aren't going to waste a lot of time arguing.  (You're free to ask questions, but arguing stops and stops now).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT her interrupting: it's your life now.  Ann Landers says that the only way people can take advantage of you is if you let them.  &quot;Mom, I'd love to talk but I'm in the middle of something.  Is it an emergency?  Otherwise I'll call you when I'm free&quot;.  She needs to interact with you like you're an adult and not a dependent child.  And you need to establish that's what you expect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not easy but it's possible.  Reject guilt, reject demands, and stay polite.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T22:01:25.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12088" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12072" CreationDate="2018-03-19T23:01:49.757" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said B is in a higher position than the rest in a comment (if I understood that correct). Now, it really depends on the setting. B might be just trying to optimize the usage of time, because the seminar time is limited and the more time is spent with information that is already known to most, other content may be shortened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've often seen this in seminars where the professor would cut the speaker short when they veered off too far into background information or non-essential information, giving a brief summary of that and then tell the speaker to go on with the main topic. Yes, that was somewhat of an interruption, but typically to the benefit of all - as all where in fact busy but polite people - polite especially as they were on the same &quot;power-level&quot; as the speaker, while the professor had the authority to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your case is similar, then you may be able to avoid an interruption by keeping an eye on B. If he looks bored / like he wants to speak up, you may either cut the current topic short (if you are explaining background details/side information at that moment). Or you may simply ask the audience whether they know the key concepts you would optionally explain before you start doing so. If you find out they don't know you can establish a consensus before you dive into the topic that there is a requirement to do so. Hence B will have far less incentive to intervene. Otherwise you can skip that part or very briefly summarize it as a reminder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T23:01:49.757" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12031" CreationDate="2018-03-19T23:11:06.090" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other solutions here are great and may work out for you, my problem with them however, is that they're all reactionary. When you end up in this situation, one or both of you are already frustrated. Rational discussions don't happen when people are frustrated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a time when you're both doing nothing to sit down and have a conversation, Make sure there's no TV or phones on to distract from it. Explain to her how you feel when she behaves like this. When you do, don't accuse her of anything, explain to her how it feels. It's more difficult to say that feelings are wrong than just to say facts are wrong. Talk about how things are from your end, not things she does. You may have to swallow your pride and project more submission than you'd like but it will help to prevent her from going on the defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, I want to talk about how we solve problems together. I feel like the way we handle it just makes it more difficult for both of us. I really don't know as much as you think I do and it makes me sad that you think I'm not helping just because I don't want to. I try my best but my problem solving comes from research or trial and error, I can't always answer your questions right away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe give some specific examples of what she does that makes the process unpleasant. Keep the discussion about how you can solve the problem &lt;em&gt;together&lt;/em&gt; rather than about things she needs to change about herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I ask you a bunch of questions, it's so that I can get a better idea of what exactly the problem is. I know that it can seem like I'm dragging it out just for the sake of stalling but it's part of my process, I ask myself questions all the time when I'm doing things on my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the discussion is going well and she seems receptive, you can try to bring up more specifically things she does, calling you stupid for example, and explain how that makes you reluctant to come to her aid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first time you talk about this, you'll most likely have to keep it to one topic to avoid getting the message lost so start with making the process more pleasant. After you start seeing good results (a few days, weeks) start showing her how you go about finding answers on your own and say you think it'd be more enjoyable for you to help her find the answers for herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can apply this to your other &quot;clients&quot; on a lighter basis, once you've gotten this to work with your mother, it'll be much easier to restructure it for others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13666" LastActivityDate="2018-03-19T23:11:06.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12091" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12072" CreationDate="2018-03-20T01:03:08.343" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're clearly annoyed by his interruptions. And from your story it seems some others are too. I leave it up to your judgment whether his behavior is actually rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to consider his personality, why he behaves like he does, and whether he will actually change. The interruptions and showing off his knowledge is a dominant controlling management style to compensate for his insecurity. He probably wants to do his job the best he can. You can use this!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd call him out &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; the actual presentation. Preferably some days ahead. Ask him if he wants to sit down for a coffee. Then friendly ask him if he can refrain from interrupting, because it does not contribute to the quality of the presentation. It actually increases the duration of the presentation. If you can convince him he can do a better job he might be willing to adhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T01:03:08.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12095" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12072" CreationDate="2018-03-20T02:40:43.070" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A should look at the reactions of C and maybe especially B.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is annoying to hear again and again the same background information. And typically many people in C are just too shy to say something, or they just don't care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A good presenter A should watch out for signs that people in the audience get bored because of repetitions or for other reasons.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If A does a good job then probably B will not interrupt.&lt;/strong&gt; If B still interrupts A can ask a question (directed at everyone) like: &quot;Do you want to hear this?&quot; or maybe ask B in front of everyone what he wants. A should be able to interpret the reactions of B and C.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T02:40:43.070" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12096" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12002" CreationDate="2018-03-20T03:51:31.250" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;they're trying to be nice&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you are already aware of this, my answer should in fact be &lt;em&gt;really easy&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are trying to be nice but they unknowingly went about it the wrong way and it has had the opposite effect desired. All you have to do is show them how to be nice in a way that you would appreciate. People latch onto your weight as a topic they can nice about because its a common and easily understood reason for people to be at the gym. New people will likely still start off by trying to be nice about your weight but that should quickly be solved if to each of those people you say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ahah, I am actually trying to &lt;em&gt;gain&lt;/em&gt; muscle, not lose weight. Don't worry though, a lot of people make that mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have tried to be nice, they &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to be nice and you have politely shown them that the way they went about it was a mistake without blaming them and providing a new alternative way that they can be nice to you (complimenting your strength). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a situation like this where everyone has good intentions but someone has made a mistake, honest and polite explanations are of mutual benefit to everyone involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T03:51:31.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11994" CreationDate="2018-03-20T05:43:29.663" Score="5" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You know game nights are fun when people keep coming back&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who has been on both sides of the situation, I think you are thinking about it too much. Don't worry about, your friends wouldn't have played with you this long if your winning a lot bothered them so much.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I played Counter Strike with a group of friends back in the day and we had this one friend who could consistently headshot anyone. He was a good sportsman, always trying to help you out with techniques when he could. He never handicapped himself when we played, either. Even though he'd be the best player in the game, we always enjoyed playing with him. We never would have invited him back if we didn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nowadays, we play Catan with more-or-less the same group of friends, and the tables have turned. I try to be sportsmanlike by complimenting them on small victories like when they build a city or complete the longest road. To avoid sounding insincere when I compliment, I keep the compliment as short as possible, often just a &quot;nice...&quot; or a &quot;well played, sir...&quot; I avoid long compliments, they sound patronizing. When I critique a wrong move, I make it about the facts, not about them: &quot;that city is on two 6s, that's gonna leave you vulnerable to bandits when they score&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If everyone is a good sportsman, everything is going to work out. If you switch games like you say, it may just be because they want to try something new, not because they think you're too good at winning them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6697" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T05:43:29.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-20T05:51:59.343" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try to get involve in some sports or other activities in your school/college. This will occupy some of your time in your school/college. So when someone tries to get their work done by you, You can refer them some authors or sites which will help them complete their work. If they insist you to do their work, tell them that you are involved in some other activity and you have more commitments. If they want you to mail your work to them, just say I'll do it after going home but don't do it. If they asks, simply say that you have poor internet connection at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15597" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T05:51:59.343" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-20T06:00:43.963" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to simply repeat (over and over), &quot;I don't know,&quot; which worked each time until finally one of them laughed sarcastically and said, &quot;Right, you don't know...&quot; (shaking his head and giving me a look of desperation, as he backed away clutching his worksheet in sweaty palms).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But he knew it was a lost cause and they all stopped bothering from then on, for some reason. It didn't damage our friendship, because he continued to treated me with respect outside of that particularly challenging class (organic chemistry Lab, which was a 3-4 hour ordeal once or twice a week for 2-3 months).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And thereafter I never heard another peep out of the others, which was fine with me. It's possible that either he or the professor may have warned them, but I don't know for sure. Something happened, though, which relieved me of the burden of their demands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I wasn't lying when I said, &quot;I don't know,&quot; because truthfully I had them on &lt;em&gt;ignore&lt;/em&gt;, completely refusing to listen to their questions. I felt that was only fair, since they were interrupting my work and it was rude for them to make it more difficult for me, for their own selfish reasons. I often had to give them the shoulder and turn my back toward them, positioning my body between me and my paperwork -- so that they would see that I was busy and not interested, and that &lt;em&gt;no, they could not look at it&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because they were breaking the rules, and could have caused me serious trouble if I'd been more of a people-pleaser. Then again, they were doing that &lt;em&gt;in class&lt;/em&gt; in the presence of the professor. This was years ago, long before I ever had eMail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the same principle applies, even today:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should just politely tell your friends why you don't want to engage in that sort of activity -- I'm sure they'll respect your courage and your strength of character. And it will be a great opportunity to see who your real friends are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could simply &lt;em&gt;ignore&lt;/em&gt; their demanding eMails. There is no law that you have to answer them. And ignoring them is about like saying, &quot;I don't know.&quot; They don't need to know what you know. They need to develop some character instead, by obtaining the necessary knowledge on their own, with considerable effort on their part. Think of it this way: helping them cheat would do them more harm than good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9307" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T06:00:43.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-20T06:01:31.283" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;How about &lt;strong&gt;selling&lt;/strong&gt; your help instead? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had this exact problem while getting my graduate degree. After some time, I had started charging for every homework I helped. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't just start doing this without telling people, I told a few people in class who wanted my help previously and then they just spread it to others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This stopped most people from asking and it made others pay for the help. I had more time to myself &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; more money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2169" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T06:01:31.283" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12072" CreationDate="2018-03-20T08:05:31.033" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It looks like B is renowned for this behaviour and C has repeatedly witnessed it and is fed up as well. &lt;em&gt;If the two of you are peers or you're in a higher position&lt;/em&gt;, you can &lt;strong&gt;anticipate it with a comment at the beginning of your speech&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure that B will forgive me if I start my presentation with some background information. It's just five minutes, I promise!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can add something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I won't be offended if in these five minutes you'll check the mail on your phone. &lt;em&gt;wink&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The message is &quot;Yes, we all know that you'll interrupt, just bear with it instead&quot;. If the audience agrees with you, you will also get some laughter that will reinforce the message.&#xA;If you're not at the same or higher level of B, ask to the person presenting you (if it's possible) to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this approach is not feasible, I suggest you to &lt;strong&gt;postpone B's questions&lt;/strong&gt;. I imagine they will raise their hand; you just keep on speaking, raising one open hand with the palm towards them for a few seconds. If necessary, repeat it. Finish your introduction and only then ask them about their questions. If they just start talking when you make a pause, just tell them &quot;Questions afterwards, thanks&quot;. I'm aware that you will have to postpone all questions. That's OK: while all other questions will still be on topic, it will be hard for him to ask &quot;I wanted to know how many people know about this topic&quot; after you finished presenting it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find it awkward to do it during the presentation, you can begin by saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please ask questions at the end of the presentation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T08:05:31.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12034" CreationDate="2018-03-20T08:08:47.153" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Impossible to know for sure without knowing more about the person / family, but this is something I have already encountered and was greatly puzzled / annoyed until I realized what is going on, and I feel it is worth mentioning as a possibility:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some families small favors like you describe are used to build and maintain a sense of being together / caring for each other, instead (or beside) of small talk. If this is the case, the &quot;proper&quot; answer is to engage in the game and ask some trivial favors from him, to keep the game going. It can look like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Him: &quot;Bring me newspaper from the table, please&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You: &quot;Sure, here you are&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You: &quot;Can you hand me those nuts from the cupboard, please?&quot;&#xA;...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the case, your attempt to raise the issue either in open or in some passive / aggressive form could be inefficient, as it is quite likely the family members are not aware of the the habit and when you ask about it, they are puzzled, confused and unable to explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I like about this approach is if you try this, two things can happen:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If this is the family culture I have described, he will willingly and gladly do those trivial favors for you and everyone is happy, the mutual care is flowing and nobody needs to feel abused, nobody was rude, no issue was even raised.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it is not, chance is he can take the lesson, seeing his own behavior from the receiving side, or at least the absurdness is seen in open and can be acted on somehow. If he will not do the favor for you, just watch his response and apply the same against him once it is your turn again. This is a bit passive/aggressive I am afraid, but it should not be considered rude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12421" LastEditorUserId="12421" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T08:53:32.230" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T08:53:32.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11994" CreationDate="2018-03-20T08:54:29.677" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't agree with any of these answers, having been in this situation myself (on both sides), so here goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First - If you haven't talked to your friends, don't try and solve the problem without communication first.  You've made a lot of assumptions about how your winning streaks come off to your friends, but open and honest communication is paramount to make sure that the situation you believe exists, and the situation that actually exists are one and the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a million solutions to this problem, but until you actually sit your friends down and figure out&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if it is actually a problem, and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;what the problem is, we can't help you as much as you'd like.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference, I go to BGG CON every year, I own about 600 board games, and play at least 2 nights a week, sometimes 3.  I've played with people who are extremely competitive, people who are competitive but just flat out bad at board games, people who are &quot;naturally&quot; very good, and people who have to work very hard to get good at a specific, particular game.  People come in all types.  Even among your friends, it's unlikely that you are one type of player and all of them are all another, different type of player.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's some possible outcomes to communicating that you may not have considered:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some of your group may very much want to learn how to get better so they can pose a greater challenge to you.  They may want you to discuss the strategies you use and how you seem to naturally find the best strategy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some of your group may want to change the type of games you play, to better suit their goals (co-op, competitive but with more randomness, competitive with a good catch up mechanic)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some of your group may not care, and aren't as bothered by it as much as you think, but your assumption that it bothers them may be materializing as a change in your behavior that you aren't realizing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could recommend 5 games of every different type for you and your friends to try, but until you can actually tell us for sure that their experience is what you assume it is, none of these suggestions are actually going to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastEditorUserId="12421" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T09:08:26.420" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T09:08:26.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12107" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12066" CreationDate="2018-03-20T09:12:48.237" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Those questions are not real questions, the only answer to them is mostly : do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get interest into other people, not especially into what they're saying but into them. It's not easy at first to realize why you want to connect with them, because you do, if you did not you would not be here asking for this question. So the question you must ask yourself at first is mostly why shall you talk with them ? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How is easier : listen to them get to know them. Mostly people offers small chats about nothing interesting at first, sport, news, local news, weird situation, but then when you get to know them you'll more and more interested, and may be close you match.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you can't get to the interesting part before passing the first step of small chats and boring hobbies, and that is the case with everybody, but once you get deeper into relationships, you'll have the actual conversations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to get closer with them, then you don't need to, and they will feel that you're not the king of person to have small talks with, that should not be a problem... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user14435" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T09:12:48.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11869" CreationDate="2018-03-20T12:01:04.373" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A rumour is a rumour. It's like a fire, it can start because of many things... As the French say: &lt;em&gt;Il n'y a pas de fumée sans feu&lt;/em&gt; (&lt;strong&gt;there's no smoke without fire / where there's smoke there's fire&lt;/strong&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the 1st thing I would look for is &quot;fire&quot;. Maybe her heart is burning with love for you :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would investigate in a way that shows her my concerns, whilst at the same time, I learn more about her feelings. But, in no way I would try and get some information about the who-and-why spread the rumour, because it's not worth it IMO, and may result in an unexpected kind of &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Streisand_effect&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Streisand effect&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&quot; backfiring. I would rather go for something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Alice,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just heard something weird... It came into my ears that &quot;&lt;em&gt;either I wanted a relationship with you or you wanted a relationship with me.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please be assured that I &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; told that to anyone! It is not me who carries out leaks, I can guarantee you that. Trust me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope that you are not worrying or upset because of this.&#xA;  I don't care who started this, but I don't mind, and just wanted to let you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, I would follow with the nicest things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are someone I find very [ all nice things you want to tell her ].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This way, you kill the rumour right away, at least between the two of you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't blame anybody for the rumour.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You let her know what you think about it (it's not a big deal for you, but you care about her and hope she's not been hurt).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You let her know &lt;em&gt;with your own words&lt;/em&gt; what you think and feel about her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You leave the door open for her to tell you (what she feels, or, from your comment &quot;I think the rumour originated from her, directly or indirectly&quot;, if she really started this, or not...) without pressuring her and asking for any answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like a good option to deflect all this rumour and, being straight, clear and honest, hopefully get the best out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;From your comments: France. I'm around the Spanish border and she is around the German border. I want to know the truth by curiosity and to boost my self-confidence. If she was closer, I would act...&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;That's roughly 1000km. But not far enough to hide the truth I guess :) You can still use texts/mail/letter to learn more.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T08:15:52.167" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T08:15:52.167" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12043" CreationDate="2018-03-20T12:03:03.810" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;While some people here are saying you can learn to say no, I would personally find this difficult, probably because the people asking for help are my friends and I don't want to ever be the cause of tension between my friends and I.&#xA;I suspect this is the same for you, and you're asking how to say no, or how to get out of it, without making your friends feel like you're not helping/dont care etc and that you're the cause for a bit of tension.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It so happened that my friend came to me once with the exact same problem you have while I was at university. My friend, and also my housemate, being on another course to me, was asking how she can tell a girl in her course 'no' aswell. My housemate was very smart, always studied, stayed in to study while others went out, and thus always got her work completed with plenty of time before the deadline. In the other girls case, she was late to class, didn't spend much time studying, had a part time job, and found herself with not much time before the deadline, and very little work completed. She had asked my housemate for help. But my housemate found that her definition of 'help' was to pretty much do the whole thing, or atleast be the brains behind the work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend wasn't the kind of person to tell people 'no', as she was always shy and scared of confrontation. In the end she made up a lie and told the girl that she was stuggling to understand the material herself, and she didn't feel her input would be useful. She suggested to her friend that she contact the teacher/lecturer for advice as she 'did the same thing'. She may have given a small bit of advice such as &quot;I think the lecturer wants us to explore [this] area of literature to find the answer&quot; but not much else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This did work for her, and the girl never asked for help again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While some people may say that this answer is not useful because it may not be a true reflection of the original girls personality (not understanding criteria is not something that happened). However, it is a resolution that worked in this case.&#xA;Perhaps her friend could see this probably isn't the case and figured out for herself that she was deliberately not telling her everything. But she never said anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And at the end of the day, it is still an easy possibility. Perhaps you could try something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9308" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T12:03:03.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11869" CreationDate="2018-03-20T12:56:10.437" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As other answers have addressed (quite well!) how to potentially bring this up with the girl, I thought I'd complement them with the thought of talking more with the person who told you the rumour in the first place...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say you're not wrong to want or even expect more details. Depending on how close friends you are with the informant(!) you could adjust for familiarity but I'd personally be interested in finding out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What exactly they initially heard&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where/who they heard it from&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where they think the rumour came from originally&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, you mentioned there was a rumour going around about me and [girl] being interested in each other, was there anything more being said about me you can tell me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Was there someone specific you heard this from?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;One more thing, what do you think started up this rumour? Do people think we'd be good together?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My entirely subjective view on this: I'm reading you as fairly young and/or potentially inexperienced with dating - it's fairly common (worldwide!) for young people to set up their friends with potential relationships, going so far as subtly or not-so-subtly nudging perceived candidates together with hints and rumours and &quot;I think &lt;em&gt;x&lt;/em&gt; likes you, you know...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My perception is they intend to set you up and are getting a bit of fun or a childish thrill out of playing cupid. What matters most of all of course is whether you &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to enter a relationship with this girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be honest - to yourself and others! If you have doubts or reservations, for example due to distance, voice them. If you're interested, say so. Being coy due to shyness is understandable but having some courage to state your feelings honestly will benefit yourself and your future relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Steel yourself for some teasing!&lt;/strong&gt; People of all ages enjoy poking some fun at the &quot;Clueless lovebirds&quot; trope. Don't let it throw you off being honest! Don't be pressured into a relationship you have no interest in and don't let it put you off asking out someone you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15610" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T12:56:10.437" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11982" CreationDate="2018-03-20T12:59:31.390" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Was she fully awake at the time?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the period between sleeping and being fully awake, people may not have a firm grasp of what was only a dream.  Wait until she's fully awake before you try to discuss it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Was she serious?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deadpan jokes may get taken the wrong way.  Talk to her about it.  And don't stress over something if she didn't actually mean it seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If she's fully awake and still genuinely blames you for events in your dream...&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Describe some of your dreams.  Make sure you describe ones which are so far-fetched as to be obviously ludicrous.  My ex-wife once had a dream in which her childhood pet Labrador (which had been dead for 10 years at that point) was the Supreme Ruler of the Earth, and Hillary Clinton was the interpreter between the dog and humanity.  It should be clearly impossible for anyone to claim that dreams like that are in any way connected to reality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;And if she persists...&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point you have to decide whether you intend to continue a relationship with someone who literally cannot distinguish between hallucination and reality.  If she believes she is justified in being abusive towards you for things which are purely imaginary &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;and which she herself acknowledges are purely imaginary&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; then she has a very real mental health problem.  Not only that, she is not currently willing to acknowledge that she has a problem.  It would be nice to advise you to stick around and help her, but honestly you need to get yourself safe first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T12:59:31.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12115" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12126" CreationDate="2018-03-20T13:07:07.013" Score="66" ViewCount="14547" Body="&lt;p&gt;My colleague recently had a disagreement with a client about the colour of two items. The client claimed both items were the same colour, while to my colleague one was red and one was green. I can confirm that the two items were indeed red and green. My colleague and I know another colleague, who is red-green colourblind, who cannot tell the difference between these two items either. My colleague strongly suspected our client is red-green colourblind and not aware of it. The situation was very awkward. It turned out the client was colourblind, but until the incident with these two items, not aware of his colourblindness. As you can probably imagine, this did not go down smoothly. The client got frustrated because he was thinking my colleague was joking with him. I don't know the details. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is in the past now, but it may happen again in the future. How can you suggest to a client that he may potentially be colourblind, without this person taking offense?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All clients are high-paying business-owners.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most colourblind people over here are aware of it, but apparently some are not. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T19:36:20.157" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T00:27:02.597" Title="How can I suggest to someone that he may potentially be colourblind?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12116" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12038" CreationDate="2018-03-20T13:12:58.273" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some days ago, i was reading some articles about &lt;code&gt;the victim pattern&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;victim mentality&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;For some people, as your grandmother,it is more less a strategy to deal with life whether it is staying safe in one’s comfort zone, numbing oneself, finding company, getting attention, avoiding being responsible for something in one’s life, etc. (&lt;code&gt;she just cannot be with what she perceives as failure in life&lt;/code&gt;)&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Playing the victim, helps her that she is really a good person (I guess it is the opposite for what you think about her).&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In this case, some points can be helpful:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have to stop being righteous and superior about how she is &lt;code&gt;such a victim&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Validate that she has the view she has. This does not mean agree with her. Rather, just acknowledge what she said. Part of validating is getting not only the words, but also the mood and emotion behind what she is saying (such a mirror can sometimes create enough of a space that she can actually hear herself).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Encourage her to stop blaming others and to be compassionate to herself (you can have a seat with her and discuss this point, and show her how this point can lead to bad results in the future).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T13:12:58.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12115" CreationDate="2018-03-20T13:27:32.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first part of your question is fairly easy; the second part is nearly impossible.  It's very difficult to predict how people will respond to situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some ways, however, to reduce the chance of offense.  First of all, getting into very entrenched positions in a meeting makes for hot feelings and suggesting that there's something &quot;wrong&quot; with the person writing you checks will, as you guess, not go well.  In this case, you have to determine what you want to do.  Do you want to advise the person that they might have a vision problem?  Or do you want to convince them that the two items are indeed different?  I'd suggest the former.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go that route, then accept their position that the two items are the same.  Let feelings cool down and keep them from getting too hot.  Remember, you want to keep the relationship and not be right.  Then, afterward, I'd suggest a 1-1 meeting with the person in question.  Keep in mind that you aren't a medical professional; you can only comment on things that you observe and participate in.  Then I'd suggest saying privately something to the effect of, &quot;What colors do you see these two as?  I ask because I know someone who tells me &quot;gray&quot; or &quot;both are the same&quot;. He's red-green colorblind and I wanted to privately let you know.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's always risky getting a diagnosis from someone who's not a medical professional so I'd try to stay away from telling someone that &quot;hey, you're colorblind&quot;.  I'd do my best to have the message be &quot;You might want to have that checked out&quot;.  Also, try to not have the message be interpreted as &quot;we disagreed and it's because there's something wrong with you&quot;; that will have a bad impact on your business as a whole.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T13:27:32.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12115" CreationDate="2018-03-20T13:28:38.090" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are concerned about this happening again in the future, however unlikely it could be, a possible approach would be to get some second opinions from both sides. If, for example, you're discussing the design of something over a web conference, you could say something like &lt;em&gt;&quot;We can see the picture here but it looks more green than red. How does it look on your end?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they press the issue and insist the colour is as they perceive it, maybe suggest asking them to check with someone else on their end or try displaying it on a different computer. This may eventually help them realise it on their own, or at least, it could be someone closer to them that brings up the suspicion first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a diagnosis such as colourblindness, it can oftentimes be embarrassing to discover this if it is due to a mishap at work or school. I knew someone who did not realise he was colourblind until late into high school (and his favourite subject was art class). The embarrassment can be just as bad as the diagnosis. Unless the colour of your item is crucial to its function - like for example, a traffic light - then it is best to give the other person an opportunity to realise this on their own, especially in a business setting. If it is someone you are close with, a more direct approach could be possible (and probably appreciated in retrospect).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T13:28:38.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12021" CreationDate="2018-03-20T13:36:35.887" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're repeatedly having conversations that cause hurt feelings and/or damage your relationship it's perfectly healthy to avoid the original topic in the first place. This is the unspoken rule for many situations and environments such as the workplace, where politics are generally not brought up for the sake of maintaining good interpersonal relations with your colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, what isn't healthy is for this to be one-sided: For example, your mother, prompted by some trigger outside your control (a news story on the TV or radio, an overheard conversation, a news article or poster) begins to voice negative opinions about people who share your political views, hurting your feelings by proxy. You may decide to bite your tongue and not argue but this isn't actually helping your relationship and could in fact be perceived as a form of abuse (you are being made to stifle your own opinions and values to pacify her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is healthier and fairer would be to address this with her directly - tell her that you feel these arguments are pulling you apart and that you don't want that because you value your relationship. Suggest that you both take the stance of &quot;Agree to disagree&quot; by default on controversial topics. Suggest also that you both avoid controversial topics at least in the presence of each other, as history has shown it simply causes hurt feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do want to talk about these things with her at least sometimes you could propose that both parties consent to discussion; either one person opens with, &quot;I would like to talk about x if you're okay with it...&quot; or failing this, give everyone the right to end the conversation at any time, &quot;I don't want to talk about this right now.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's reluctant to agree to this you need to emphasise how you feel about her and how these situations are making you feel about interacting with her. I don't imagine she wants you to drift away even if she disagrees with you on so many topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day you also have a right to downgrade a relationship that is no longer making you happy. You may even choose to warn her that you may choose to reduce the interactions you have with her, if the two of you cannot work out your differences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15610" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T13:36:35.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11869" CreationDate="2018-03-20T13:40:10.190" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you hear a rumour that is &lt;em&gt;exclusively&lt;/em&gt; about yourself, you should instantly know whether it is true or not. Additionally, if it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; true you should recall whether or not you told anyone this truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you have three kinds of rumour about yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;False, so somebody made it up;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;True, and you told somebody, so the source may be you;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;True, but you told nobody, so it is somebody's unproven guesswork.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rumour you have heard is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;either&lt;/strong&gt; you like this girl romantically, &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; the girl likes you romantically&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your replies to comments you say that you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; like the girl, but you have not discussed your romantic desires with anyone. So there is no basis for any rumour that you like her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I go to all this trouble to distill the rumour is because you cannot assume that the rumour was about the girl liking you. It could just as easily be somebody's assumption that you liked her!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to &lt;strong&gt;know the truth about this rumour&lt;/strong&gt; as you ask, you can either start at one of two ends - go straight to the girl and ask her (with whatever consequences that may have), or start with the guy who told you the rumour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with starting with the guy that told you is that you will potentially have to work back through quite a few people, asking each one &lt;em&gt;&quot;who told you?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; until you reach the source. This will rely on every person in that chain telling you the truth. It will also potentially upset some people, as they may well feel like they are being interrogated. Most importantly, assuming everybody cooperates, you are only ever going to get as close to the truth as whatever the last person says. You may find out at the end of the chain that the rumour was &lt;em&gt;you liked her&lt;/em&gt;, which you knew from the start was baseless. But if the rumour was that she liked you, without going to the girl and asking her the truth &lt;em&gt;you are only ever really learning the truth about the rumour, not the truth itself&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would therefore suggest you just ask the girl. That is not to say that she will automatically tell you the truth! If she ever &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; express an interest in you to someone else but never to you, you can't be certain that she will admit it to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both methods will get you somewhere, but are equally flawed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, we aren't meant to hear rumours about ourselves. Sometimes it is best not to know. Just because our friends talk about us doesn't mean they aren't good friends. In fact, I wouldn't want to know everything that people said about me behind my back. That way madness lies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is that you separate the truth from the rumour. Don't seek &quot;the truth about this rumour&quot; - forget the rumour, and if you must know the truth, go and ask the girl directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T13:40:10.190" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-20T13:46:36.240" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, I would &lt;strong&gt;let your friend deal with the situation&lt;/strong&gt;. It's only fair: you didn't invite his girlfriend to the hike, he did. Meet him alone and ask if he really thinks it's a good idea for his girlfriend to join. Point him to the website about the hike if you think he doesn't have a clear idea about what he's signed her up for. There's a high chance your friend will know how to convince his SO better than you would, without hurting her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend refuses to talk to his girlfriend of fails to convince her, you should take the initiative. There are several options you could consider here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;telling her you don't think she's fit for the hike&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;invite her (or rather them) on a try-out to prove your point&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;agree with them upfront that you may split up during the hike&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;pick a different hike adapted to their skills&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) will be at least somewhat offensive, regardless of how you put it. As other answers already stated, telling her she's inexperienced is much better (and more to the point) than telling her she's overweight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) is less harsh but requires to invest a full day into convincing someone they're bad hikers. Personally, I would rather spend 5 minutes in a really unpleasant conversation than spend a whole day in a moderately unpleasant atmosphere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) would only work if your friend has enough hiking experience to lead a hike when you split up, or someone experienced will agree to stay with them. Making inexperienced people agree to something they obviously cannot do is a bad thing, and it will be on your conscience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An alternative to this is that you hike together until you reach a tourist location which your friend and his SO can enjoy while you continue the hike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(4) should only be considered if you're good enough friends and you're ready to sacrifice your plans in order to have good time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastEditorUserId="3211" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T13:51:58.830" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T13:51:58.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12122" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12125" CreationDate="2018-03-20T14:25:33.697" Score="24" ViewCount="6068" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During family conversations my sister, who is 27, often interrupts the flow of a conversation with in order to mention something that is marginally related to the topic at hand. Most of the time this falls flat; as what she's talking about isn't particularly interesting, related or something the group she's talking with understands. I'd say she is a &quot;nerdy&quot; type and will often bring up various forms of media that the family isn't familiar with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Fictitious Example&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Family A&lt;/strong&gt;: Did you see that ludicrous display last night?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Family B&lt;/strong&gt;: What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Family A&lt;/strong&gt;: The thing about Arsenal is, they alw-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sister&lt;/strong&gt;: Did you guys watch the latest episode of &lt;em&gt;Arbitrary Niche Nerd Media&lt;/em&gt;? It was really cute when &lt;em&gt;Character A&lt;/em&gt; kissed &lt;em&gt;Character B&lt;/em&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Family A&lt;/strong&gt;: I really don't know what that is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(awkward pause in conversation)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Family B&lt;/strong&gt;: (topic change) Oh man, did you guys hear about Stacy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is a rather contrived &quot;example&quot; of how she acts, but I'm really trying to emphasize her poor timing and how these situations play out. Even if I try to play off of what she says, it almost always ends in an awkward pause and someone bringing up a new topic. I'd also like to state that in this scenario, my sister is well aware of the ludicrous display last night, so it isn't a lack of understanding of the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I find this really frustrating as it often derails a good conversation. It's apparent to me that my family appears to feel the same way based on their body language/facial expressions. I don't want her to stop participating in conversation, but I want to bring it to her attention that the way she's communicating is generally not being received well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally am familiar with the things she talks about often. She talks about games and shows that I've watched or know something about. The issue is a combination of the timing of her interjections and her (seemingly) not understanding her audience. It really isn't a matter of getting to know her better, but a matter of letting her know that mentioning X concept from Y media where my family doesn't know anything about X or Y is a distracting conversation topic especially when it's provided with very little context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Interpersonal Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister is rather sensitive (she doesn't have diagnosed mental health issue) and telling her outright would most likely make her just not want to talk or socialize at all. It's not my intention to upset her, or exclude her from wanting to participate. So how can I tell her that the way she interrupts/detracts conversations has been typically hurting the conversations she's be involved in a way that doesn't hurt her since she doesn't seem to be aware of the way she disrupts the flow of conversation. This is a request for techniques on softening the blow of a revelation that may not be well received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T15:45:14.350" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T21:25:14.723" Title="How can I convey to someone that the way she communicates is awkward without upsetting her?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12123" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12115" CreationDate="2018-03-20T14:53:41.667" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just for a moment consider someone who is completely blind. They are of course &lt;em&gt;aware&lt;/em&gt; of their blindness, but that awareness does not remove the problems that their blindness will bring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is that someone may &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that they are colourblind but they will still encounter situations like you describe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first of all, if you find someone telling you that two items are the same colour when they are not, don't assume that they aren't aware of their colourblindness. Secondly, be aware that they may still find the situation embarrassing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will only make things worse by not addressing the issue - for example if you pretend that two colours are the same, you are being dishonest and this may well backfire somehow. Honesty is the best policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps a less aggressive way of telling someone that two colours are different would be to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I can see a difference, but perhaps it is subtle.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; colourblind &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; aware of it, this may gently make them aware that they are facing a situation where their colourblindness prevents them from seeing a difference. How they respond to the situation is entirely up to them - they may be honest with you, they may not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also do not feel this is a dishonest response - it is accepted that everybody may perceive colour slightly differently. You are just following the age old adage that the customer is always right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if they are unaware of their condition (which you acknowledged must be rare), this gentle suggestion may prompt them to ask someone closer to them for an opinion on the matter. It is after all not your place to diagnose a client's sight issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T14:53:41.667" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12079" CreationDate="2018-03-20T15:19:22.133" Score="16" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Before the discussion&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need to do to start is take a step back and get your feelings in order. You can't help her understand &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; side if you can't be completely sure you can explain it clearly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you feel that it makes no sense for you each to have a private account? Do you feel like it's unreasonable for your wife to want you not to be able to see every transaction she makes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also consider why this is a big enough deal &lt;em&gt;to you&lt;/em&gt; that you needed to come to Stack Exchange with it. I'm not saying you're wrong for doing so, just that it shows that you likely feel just as strongly as she does about the situation. &lt;em&gt;Why?&lt;/em&gt; Do you feel like this insults you in some way? Is it the insinuation that she doesn't want you to know everywhere she shops? Could it just be &amp;quot;I'm right/she's wrong&amp;quot; mentality that comes up in humans? Knowing &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you're so intent on this in one way or another will go a long way towards things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask your wife to do the same thing, if you think it will help to let her prepare as well. This gives her a chance to have her side as thought out as you do. Let her know that you want to get to the bottom of this, and have you both at the very least understand where the other is coming from. It might help just knowing that you want to understand why this has her so upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let her start the discussion there- If she tries to, explain that you want to be able to convey your feelings on the matter as clearly as possible, and want to take the time to really know how to do so before you discuss things. Let her know that you hope she will do the same, so you can have a rational conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Addressing the situation&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you are both ready, choose a time when you're both calm and the baby won't need your immediate attention for at least half an hour. A nap is likely the only time you'll get for this, from my limited experience with infants. Outline a couple rules: You each get a turn to fully explain yourself, then the other may ask questions to understand your side as needed. From there, the next person can explain uninterrupted and the other side can again ask questions as needed. Ask her to go first, and let her explain her side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Then listen.&lt;/em&gt; Listen to what she has to say. Let her say her piece, let her outline how she feels. When she's done, ask questions as you need to so that you can be sure you understand this to the best of your abilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once she's explained her side of things and you're pretty sure you understand it, restate it. Make sure your interpretation matches hers. If it doesn't, she can clarify further. From there, you can take your turn. Explain why you feel how you do. Be clear about where your points of view differ. Answer her questions, and ask her to restate how she interpreted what you've said. This should all mirror how you came to understand her side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you've both explained your sides and had a chance to understand each other, you can either both step away to try to come up with ideas for how to resolve this and keep it fair to you both while still keeping you both happy, or you can go ahead and work to sort out a solution. If you do go ahead and work toward a solution, make sure you're both still calm. Otherwise, insist on walking away for a bit until you're both calm (and the baby is napping again.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Aftermath&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have a solution, stick to what you agree on. Now that you both understand each other and worked for a resolution, it should help keep this problem from boiling up again. If something in the status quo changes down the road and another issue of the kind arises, at least you'll already have a way to hit it up and try to address it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind, if you agree to go with an allowance for her, be sure that this goes both ways: You deserve a private &amp;quot;just yours&amp;quot; account as well! You could even make it so you each get the same &amp;quot;personal allowance&amp;quot; each week, to keep things even. This also helps show your wife that you don't feel superior to her just because you're the one bringing home paychecks. This might not even cross her mind, but if it does, then you've addressed it without a problem. (Your own &amp;quot;personal allowance&amp;quot; may not be necessary- If she suggests your paycheck goes to your personal account and you just put what's needed for bills into the account you pay bills/groceries from, then you should be able to do that. Just try to do what seems fairest to both of you.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it fair, keep it &lt;em&gt;reasonable&lt;/em&gt;, and keep each other happy. In the end, your love and happiness with each other is more important than figuring out what money belongs to who anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T15:19:22.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12122" CreationDate="2018-03-20T15:21:38.127" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask her to bring up the topic at a better moment&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time she interrupts, indicate that you were interested in the way the conversation was flowing before and wanted to continue talking along those lines - but that she is welcome to come back in with what she was saying later on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show that you are interested in what she has to say&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do listen to what she says even if it she comes in at a bad time; don't tune out just because you were more interested in what was being said before. Signal to her that you are listening with your body language - make eye contact, nod, etc. Consider repeating some of it back while you address the interruption:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You're right, [y] is very interesting because [z], can we come back to [y] once we're done talking about [x]?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Let her take control sometimes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conversations can travel naturally down weird, wonderful and twisty roads. It's only fair that everyone gets to take the wheel! If you're only talking among yourselves all the time it gives her the impression you don't care about or respect what she has to say. If you want to pick up a topic later, you can loop it back around once she's done or talk to someone personally later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Try to understand and be interested in what she says&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not familiar with something... take the opportunity to learn about it! She may feel frustrated that she's the 'odd one out' due to her interests differing from most of the rest of the family. She might not get much opportunity to talk to other people about the things she likes or enjoys - it's an awkward and disheartening position to be in, having lots to talk about but no one to talk to. If she struggles to explain things herself you might consider learning about some of it yourself so you can back her up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your sister could be feeling alienated from the rest of the family and trying to awkwardly make up for this during conversation times. As a species we all have some degree of social needs; part of this is a desire to talk to and be listened to by others. In my experience if someone bottles this up due to lack of opportunities to talk to people it can all come gushing out at once and this can be overwhelming for everyone else!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would consider spending more personal time with your sister - both to learn more about her &amp;amp; her interests and to give her a much-needed chance to chat with someone close to her. Tell her you feel like you don't know as much about her as you used to and would like to hang out some more; ask if you can join her with some of the things she gets up to; some things you might think you hated, you may find you enjoy simply for having done them together... others you'll at least both gain something from having tried. That's family!!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15610" LastEditorUserId="15610" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T21:25:14.723" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T21:25:14.723" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12126" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12115" CreationDate="2018-03-20T16:09:36.203" Score="91" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to slightly challenge the frame of your question, in that a more useful way to think about this interchange is to focus on it as &lt;em&gt;professional handling of a difference of understanding&lt;/em&gt; rather than the discovery of the client's colour-blindness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have stated that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The client got frustrated because he was thinking my colleague was joking with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you are probably correct that the client was &lt;strong&gt;frustrated&lt;/strong&gt;, rather than merely angry. Frustration is the enemy of clear communication and the state of being frustrated is &lt;a href=&quot;https://chambers.co.uk/search/?query=frustrated&amp;amp;title=21st&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;defined in Chambers Dictionary&lt;/a&gt; as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a feeling of agitation and helplessness at not being able to do something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frustration&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt; notes that frustration:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;originates from feelings of uncertainty and insecurity which stems from a sense of inability to fulfill needs. If the needs of an individual are blocked, uneasiness and frustration are more likely to occur.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and something that may result in&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;reaction against perceived oppressors or enemies&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this instance what the client &lt;strong&gt;needed&lt;/strong&gt; was to understand why your colleague was insisting something was true when the client's &lt;em&gt;own eyes&lt;/em&gt; told him it wasn't. And your colleague... well he was &lt;strong&gt;experiencing the same thing&lt;/strong&gt;. Each person was telling the other that the &lt;em&gt;evidence of the other's own eyes&lt;/em&gt; was not to be trusted. In the absence of a disinterested party to adjudicate there was no obvious way to break the logjam and they got into an unpleasant situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If such a situation were to arise again, however unlikely, once it becomes clear that the perceptions of the two parties are at odds and their stance deadlocked, then the person in the professional role should seek to break the impasse and try to ensure that the client does not feel disrespected or denied control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A way to do that would be to pause the discussion and try to do these things, while keeping a professional tone and avoiding communicating exasperation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Recognise that there is a difference in understanding&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to pause this discussion, because I can see that we are at odds on this and I think we need to step back and review&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Validate the client and reassure him that there are no shenanigans afoot&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can see that you are speaking with conviction, and I can assure you that I'm engaging in this with all seriousness and respect and am anxious to work out the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Recap on the situation, reinforcing where opinions haven't diverged, up to the matter on which you differ.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, where we've got to...I've presented our proposals to you and we've agreed X.Y and Z. Now we've come to discussing the colour of items A and B...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Outline the thing on which views differ, without attribution of 'you say/I say'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to A and B, we seem to have a genuine difference of understanding about the colours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Place the control of the means of resolution in the client's hands&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I call in a colleague to try to resolve this, or would you like to take the materials away to discuss with [someone outside] and we can get together again on this tomorrow?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously there are a million ways that a conversation can go, and the dialogue presented is merely 'for example', people should use words and phrasing which are appropriate to them and their situation. But my own experience in 30 years as a practicing professional is that there is an onus on any &lt;em&gt;professional&lt;/em&gt; to look for a constructive way forward in a meeting with a client. However, there isn't an onus on them to break it to the client that they have a perceptual deficiency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming to terms with a deficiency of your vision is likely to be a very personal thing, even if it doesn't cause a change in the person's life. Even though they've been living with the condition all of their life, finding out may be a very emotional experience as it may strike at the heart of their perception of themselves, unleashing a cascade of realisations about previous interactions. You might steer someone towards the issue, but you shouldn't force awareness on them in a situation when it is at odds with their role in that setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An optician or doctor can tell them in a medical setting, a friend or family member might tell them as an equal... but a relative stranger in a non-medical setting shouldn't take it on themselves if avoidable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T13:12:42.940" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12079" CreationDate="2018-03-20T16:19:55.590" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;We are in a similar arrangement in our marriage, where I bring in the bulk of our earnings. For a long time my wife did not work, but now as the kids are getting older, she is working a part time job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What works for us is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All money earned is “our money” - my earnings do not trump hers for any decision making. We discuss our budget together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As part of the above, we budget money equally as “personal money” For us, we each get an hour of my time per paycheck, direct deposited into an account we control&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The rest of our money is all joint, and it covers normal family expenses (mortgage, food, etc) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Personal money is no-judgement. If she blows it all on Starbucks or saves up for an expensive gadget then it makes no difference to me. Same goes for my spending out of my personal account.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This allows us to communicate on shared goals for trips, savings, retirement, etc while still allowing autonomy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes we negotiate on things “Hey, I want to visit a friend for a weekend out of town.” If we don’t have much in our travel budget, then personal money becomes a way to make it work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What we do may or may not work for you, and the dollar amounts may be different even if it does. Regardless, we arrived where we are by having a discussion about our needs and working together to design a solution we could both agree to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like she doesn’t feel the autonomy is there for her in the current arrangement, and that gives her guilt for certain spending. I don’t know that you can get away from that while maintaining a single pooled account. Express your fears and doubts about that second account, and see if you both can find a solution to allay those fears?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15619" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T16:19:55.590" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12130" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12151" CreationDate="2018-03-20T17:51:28.550" Score="5" ViewCount="1292" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other day I was having dinner with some in-laws, and one of them made a claim which I fundamentally disagree with. I thought about asking him to explain his reasoning and tell him that I disagreed (in the hope of coming to a mutual understanding, not to start an argument), but then I thought: &quot;Well, if I do that, even if I end up convincing him, it'll create an uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone else, and there's always the risk of it starting some argument.&quot; So I kept quiet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later I reflected on it, and thought about other times when I had interjected, and was usually met with an uncomfortable atmosphere (as if I was somehow being hostile), or even met with statements like &quot;Nobody asked for your opinion.&quot; I think people often misunderstand and assume I'm trying to make them look stupid or otherwise start an argument, when really all I want is to understand why they think the way they do, and present some arguments of my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To provide a bit more context for the family dinner example: At one point, the conversation turned to human nature, and a younger (age 17) member of the family started talking about how humans are just animals, giving examples like survival instinct, sexual desires, etc. While I agree there are similarities between humans and animals (say, primates), I can also think of far more reasons why humans are not &quot;just animals&quot;. The reason I didn't say anything is because I guess I didn't want to launch into what might be construed as hostile accusations and cause upset at a family dinner, and he is just a kid after all (I consider 17 to still be an adolescent) and still has a lot to learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify further: Yes from a biological perspective humans are animals, but we were discussing it from a metaphysical perspective, i.e. saying that human nature is no different to the nature of a lesser primate, which I disagreed with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15626" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-05T13:26:07.230" LastActivityDate="2019-03-17T19:48:37.543" Title="How might it be appropriate to ask someone to back up a claim they make in conversation?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12131" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12122" CreationDate="2018-03-20T18:03:30.713" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get that your question is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is a request for techniques on softening the blow of a revelation that may not be well received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I will get to it. But first, do you really have to &quot;reveal&quot; it by talking to her about how her &quot;participation&quot; in a conversation hurts the conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, like SEVERAL other people, have met a lot of people like that. One of the best and closest example is my wife. She suspects she might be autistic or at least have autism spectrum disorder. But nevertheless, she some times does something in the lines of your sister:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: I don't know, I feel like [Country] has [x] problem.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: True, but I think it is because of [Y] reason.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  My Wife: Actually, [random obscure history fact that would make sense if she explained it for about an hour] is the reason why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, she knows so much about so many different things, she is kind of &quot;incapable&quot; of having a simpler conversation about anything. I've NEVER found that to be annoying, but like you said, other people sometimes may. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The difference between your sister and my wife is, my wife actually stays on point. So I usually encourage her to talk more about that random obscure fact she stated. Make that the center of conversation. Just so I keep everyone else entertained, I joke around along the way a little bit and I ask some sincere and serious questions a little bit; all the while encouraging her to keep talking and indirectly reinforcing her self-confidence to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With my wife, it does not hurt the conversation to stay on topic, but for your sister, it does (I am basing this on HOW FAR AWAY her contribution is to the real conversation in your example). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Options:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That example you stated, is that actually how far away your sister is from the actual conversation?&lt;/strong&gt; If it is, then you are right about wanting to let her know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is she usually not that far away but still strays away a bit?&lt;/strong&gt; In this case, think on your feet and see if her contribution is salvageable. See if it can be brought into the actual conversation. Encourage it and make it seem like she is contributing some knowledgeable information to the conversation and everyone can benefit from that. This can be done in several different ways that motivate everyone's interests: Rebuttal of her statement, affirmation of her statement, questioning her statement, unfamiliarity (or faking unfamiliarity) of her statement. Any of that will make everyone want to be a part of the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Now to your question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If your sister is actually really far away from the conversation topic, then here is how I'd go about letting her know (has worked with my wife a few times). I would not tell her anything about it in front of your family members. Given yous say she is sensitive, you might end up just hurting her confidence. The reason I say that is, you say you can see from the family's reaction that they just got uncomfortable by your sister's &quot;weird&quot; contribution. You say something about how that is not in accordance to the conversation, you never know how your family is going to react to that. If they immediately jump back to their original conversation, she would feel horrible about it. Not everyone might think about easing back into the conversation and that is a risk you will be taking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd rather talk to her in person, when there is no one else around. Here are a few things I've done:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Talk about how you guys had fun the last time family was there. Bring up one of the conversations that was talked about. Talk a bit about it. Make your sister make a meaningful contribution to that topic, and then tell her how that would have been an excellent point to make at the time of the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually &quot;teach&quot; her the best things to say and make her feel like she is capable of staying on topic and even provide very meaningful contributions to the topic. Instead of worrying about hurting her, worry about boosting her confidence for the next conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Last family meeting is over, no point pondering on that. Talk about anything else at all that you think your family would understand. Have an open meaningful discussion about the topic. In the next family meeting, subtly bring that up. If your sister is not contributing or is derailing the conversation, just bring up, to the whole group, about how you had this conversation with your sister a few days ago and that she had some beautiful insight on the topic. Then &quot;hand the mic&quot; over to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is an assumption I am making, but I feel like a boost to your sister's confidence levels and a little bit of training your sister will automatically make her see what is good and what is bad to say in a conversation. My wife was always just nervous to say the right/simple thing. She struggles with what other people's expectations of her is and gets nervous and completely crashes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just my opinion on how to handle this situation. If you feel otherwise, feel free to let me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T18:03:30.713" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12079" CreationDate="2018-03-20T20:01:22.073" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say that money is tight. Do you do all the budgeting on your own or does she get a say? Is it something you decide together or something you handle by yourself? Do you include in your budget an amount for 'personal' use? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband and I also have the view that &lt;em&gt;our&lt;/em&gt; money is &lt;em&gt;ours&lt;/em&gt;. We discuss our budget and our expenses and decide on things together. This process includes a discussion about what 'personal' money we thought we needed every month. I proposed how much I need for my hobby, he said how much he'd need for his, we discussed what we could afford, and decided on an amount that we'd each get every month. This isn't giving her whatever allowance she wants, this is having a discussion together about your budget and what you can afford, and what 'allowance' you give &lt;em&gt;both of you.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two issues here. One is the financial independence and the other is the budget. You can give her the cash in an envelope at the beginning of every month if you want, no bank account necessary. The issue I see here is that she doesn't feel like she is on the same page as you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sometimes phone my husband to get his opinion on a purchase. I don't ask &lt;em&gt;permission&lt;/em&gt;, or even to state what I'm going to be doing. I phone to discuss if it's something we can afford with our money. We have a discussion and decide together if we can afford it or not. As such, purchases fall into two categories:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- in the budget so OK by default.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- not in the budget so discussion required.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does that mean that if I want to buy myself a chocolate bar I can't because it's not in the food budget, or I have to phone my husband to ask? No, because it comes out of my 'personal' allocation which &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; in budget. This is why personal allocations are important. She's actually asking to discuss with you a limit on what she can personally spend so she knows where she fits into the budget. This way, she can buy herself something she wants as a treat and not worry she's ruining the budget. The bank account for this is convenient, but not essential. There may be a reason she wants a bank account, perhaps she wants to save her 'treat' money for something bigger over multiple months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nonetheless, it's important to discuss with her how much you can afford for &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of you every month, not just her, and it certainly isn't giving her everything she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T20:18:37.047" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T20:18:37.047" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12122" CreationDate="2018-03-20T20:16:07.880" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers here are quite good, I would just add a tiny trick that is often used to deliver any kind of criticism in a way that it will be received with less hurt.  It's called the &quot;compliment sandwich&quot; and it involves putting the criticism between two compliments.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example, &quot;Sister, your insight into the various details of the world of media always impresses me, I could never follow it as well.  However, when you bring it up during a conversation on a different topic, it makes me feel as if you don't care what other people have to say.  Even though it is really cool that you have such good taste.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're a bit artificial sounding, but work surprisingly well (often used to correct behavior in the workplace).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15634" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T20:16:07.880" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12130" CreationDate="2018-03-20T20:17:23.137" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to look to your motives: do you want to show you are right, or are you interested in why they believe what they do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you simply want to prove yourself right, then keeping quiet is the best option.  Whether you are right or not, arguing about it rarely convinces others of anything other than you are insufferable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you are interested in their opinions, but you think they are wrong, then it is valid to ask questions.  The approach has to be curious and actually interested in them.  Ask them why they have their stance, if they've believed differently in the past, and perhaps ask about specifics that you think might invalidate their position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, for your family member, you might say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Many people think people are more than just animals.  Why do you think that is not the case?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then listen to them, and let them talk.  If you have a specific reason to believe they are more, then ask about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A few animals do use rudimentary tools and have a way of communicating.  But they rarely have a sense of self or of a God or religion.  Do you think there is any indication that might make people more than simply animals?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, let them talk.  You don't want to prove them wrong.  You want them to see points that don't fit their position and let them come to their own conclusions.  That may or may not happen during that discussion.  But if you are pleasant and listen to them, they'll be willing to listen to your questions.  If you appear open-minded, they will be more likely to be open-minded in response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1814" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T20:17:23.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12115" CreationDate="2018-03-20T20:58:44.347" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm.  Because you did not ask this at &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;The Workplace&lt;/a&gt;, I take it that you are not concerned with how to interact strictly so as to maximize relations with the person as a customer and as a client of your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question here, then, is obviously how to interact with anybody in a situation where they disagree with the claims of others, and in which you think that differences in capability of perception play a part in the conundrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your colleague said that the two things appeared as different colors.  One person claimed that they were.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Hold it right there:  Why was it so important that your colleague prove their own claim over the other?  If this were limited to concerns for the sake of business, then obviously the colleague would be considering such things as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;delivering a product — or consultation, or whatever it is that they do — which meets the client's immediate desires.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;delivering a product which delivers on whatever they promised via contract — if they guaranteed that something would increase the client's profits by at least a certain percentage, et c.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ensuring satisfaction and retention of existing customers.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, although all those are valid concerns for you, it seems that you have a more humanitarian desire:  if the person cannot perceive something which others can, then you'd like them to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mean this to be taken as Subjectivism or Existentialism, but all your colleague knew was that, in a certain environment, the claimed perception of one person disagreed with the claims of two others and that those two claims agreed:  two versus one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, did your colleague ask the client whether they cared to pursue the matter?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Or, did they press ahead regardless?  Was the client simply getting impatient, or what?  Maybe the client didn't really care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do care …&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Would you offer to change the lighting, or to switch positions, or do anything like that?  Would you remember to suggest that everybody perceives colors differently, and that it usually doesn't even get noticed unless two people are discussing industrial or creative matters which concern certain colors.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In various scientific, industrial, and commercial disciplines, color conformity and consistency are very necessary.  Anyone who works in printing or graphic design knows this.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;However, it seems to me that the only purpose for which you have any cause to be excessively concerned is that of safety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it happens, although an inability to distinguish the colors which most people know as Red and Green has been documented in modern, so–called Western Culture since the 1800s, there are a few places where the ability to perceive and distinguish such colors is expected and required:  general aviation; roadway automobiles; naval aviation.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;As an aside:&lt;/em&gt;  There are many places where colors are either not important or are simply used as one in a set of many environmental cues.  The lights above locomotive i.e. train tracks don't rely on color; in power plants and similar industrial environments, the colors of electrical wiring, pipes, the operators or handwheels of valves or switches, and many other such things are often helpful when distinguishing objects but are never to be used as the sole methods of identification.  Furthermore, I've read &lt;a href=&quot;https://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/questions/104495/is-there-a-logical-reason-to-have-soldiers-wear-bright-uniforms#comment315625_104504&quot;&gt;somewhere&lt;/a&gt; that certain forms of so–called “colorblindness” allow the brain to better develop its ability to perceive and recognize patterns and shapes — so, not every disability is a disadvantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's really all there is to it.  If you think a person is red–green colorblind, and your concern is for their safety, and you are prompting the question, then you want to consider three things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the person's sense of certainty.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Remind them that everybody perceives the world differently, and that our lives are simply a matter of discovering how to interact with our perceptions.&#xA;Do you have reason to believe that the person deals with anxiety or paranoia?  See to the next point …&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the person's trust in others — not necessarily you, but perhaps a common friend or in those of the medical profession.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;See the above point:  in addition to sensory perceptions, we also have the perceived interactions with other people.  Some of those we learn to trust — some we learn to distrust.  Same reasons.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;whether the person has ever considered or tested themselves for something similar.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Tests are very simple and rather easily available.  There is that well–known one of the numeral hidden in the bunch of dots.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, because you ask a question of a possible future interaction, that is the best guidance which I can think to give you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T20:58:44.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12140" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12172" CreationDate="2018-03-20T21:39:18.150" Score="4" ViewCount="1038" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a weekly catch-up with two people from my old team (Sarah and Kate) as we all committed to lose weight together, so we meet up to check on each other's progress. It's a casual thing, like meeting briefly for coffee, but without the coffee. Sarah and I didn't think it was necessary, but Kate insisted that we do it. I created a meeting invite, so all three of us get the reminder 15 minutes before we're due to catch up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kate has missed the last 4 catch-ups. Each time, she never said anything, didn't mention missing it (her status was set to &quot;away&quot; in our office IM client, so we couldn't even message her to ask if she could still make it). We message her phone, but she doesn't reply until hours later. The first two times, I asked her if the time was OK, whether we needed to move it, or if there's anything I could change to make it easier for her to show up. She said everything was fine. The third and fourth times, I didn't say anything, she never responded, and it's almost like the meeting didn't exist to her. I found out later from Sarah that she booked a doctor's appointment during the same time as our 4th catch-up, but she never messaged me to reschedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I'm no longer on that team, I have to make a trip to a different floor to Kate's desk, and it's frustrating waiting around for her not knowing whether she'll show up or not. During the last catch-up, I messaged Sarah asking if Kate was at her desk, and when she replied, &quot;No&quot;, I didn't bother going. What's even more frustrating is that she'll message me and Sarah hours later asking to meet up saying that she's now free. Except we are still at work, and I have long since context-shifted away and am working on other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With these catch-ups, Sarah and I have agreed that we're not going to bother meeting up anymore, but I would like to talk to Kate about her behaviour, as I think it's unprofessional (skipping meetings without saying anything), and also really rude. I would like to get her to show up, or at least notify someone if she can't make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit to add: She also does this with work-related meetings (either showing up late, or not at all), and Sarah says she often has to prompt her, &quot;Hey Kate, aren't you supposed to be in the X meeting?&quot;. But since I'm not her boss, nor on her team, I don't know if it's my place to talk to her about that as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="109" LastEditorUserId="109" LastEditDate="2018-04-22T21:43:32.917" LastActivityDate="2018-04-22T21:43:32.917" Title="How do I talk to a work friend about their constant no-shows for catch-ups?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12141" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12156" CreationDate="2018-03-20T22:05:21.740" Score="55" ViewCount="53535" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some background about me and my girlfriend:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are in a long distance relationship for more than four years, so we only see each other on weekends (unfortunately not every weekend), but this is about to change soon (we are thinking of moving in together)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We both live in Germany&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are in our early 20s&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I still live with my parents&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has her own little apartment&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We both are a little introverted and don't have a lot of (good) friends&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is her first relationship, and my first to last this long&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend sometimes has problems expressing herself in a decent manner; that means she is most of the time &lt;strong&gt;very direct&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that is where the problem lays. Whenever I do something and she has a different opinion about it, she is insulting me and whenever we make a mistake (if we do something together) she keeps blaming me for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;A little Story/Example&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a story that recently happened, and which resulted in me being heavily blamed and insulted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She saw an ad for a cupboard on a website for used stuff, which was pretty cheap and it looked like it was in good shape. So we decided to take a look at it, and possibly buy it, which we did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back at her apartment (she lives on the second floor, so we have to get the cupboard upstairs). We tried to carry it up, but unfortunately we weren't able to get it up in one piece; that means there is a big scratch on the side. We both aren't the strongest and it was a heavy piece and the staircase is not very furniture-friendly. But we both did our best (which she knows).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now she is pretty sad about the cupboard, so I tried to comfort her (that's not my strong suit). And while we reassembled the cupboard (we removed the doors before carrying so it would be easier to carry), she started to &quot;&lt;strong&gt;insult&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; me,&#xA;by telling me &lt;em&gt;how bad of a craftsman I am, and that she would wish that I could handle stuff like this better&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am not the most skilled craftsman - I come from a family of craftsmen, so I learned a lot while growing up, but it is not my profession - I still don't consider myself as incapable of this, which I tried to tell her, but she kept going on. She also kept telling me that &lt;em&gt;I could have done better while carrying the cupboard&lt;/em&gt;, and that &lt;em&gt;as I am the man I should be much stronger&lt;/em&gt;. But actually it was both our fault that the cupboard did not survive like planned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also told me that I was &lt;strong&gt;stupid&lt;/strong&gt; because I didn't hold it well enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you were able to get an idea of how she &lt;strong&gt;hurts my feelings&lt;/strong&gt;. While this might sound like a triviality, what's really hurting is, that she won't stop when I tell her that this hurts my feelings instead she keeps repeating, that in a relationship she should be able to tell me what she thinks (see: &quot;&lt;strong&gt;What I've already tried&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;). I also think that this is &lt;strong&gt;disrespectful&lt;/strong&gt;. This is just an example where this happened the last time, this happens very often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I've already tried&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking to her that this hurts my feelings, to which she responded that in a relationship she needs to be able to tell me what she thinks. While I am of the same opinion, that you should be able to tell what's disturbing you with your SO, I don't think that doing this using harsh language is the correct way, as this is not at all constructive and hurting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I show her that her behavior hurts my feelings and that I would like her to stop doing this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever she has something on her mind I try to comfort her, listen to her and reinforce her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I want to avoid&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to break up with her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15641" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2018-03-24T15:02:54.133" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T14:38:13.557" Title="How can I let my girlfriend know that her insults are hurting my feelings and ask her to stop?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-20T23:00:10.587" Score="79" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry for all the abuse that you seem to have to tolerate, while also wanting to stay in a relationship with her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a quick digression:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to be in a long-term, exclusive relationship with a girl that was also verbally abusive to me, but I couldn't imagine being brave enough to break up with her - she was good-looking, popular, and smart. But she constantly claimed that I wasn't tough, wasn't manly enough, was not smart enough, was not mentally stimulating enough for her.  She said other stuff about how she doubts I could put up with her bitchy ways.  She brought up how I didn't go to an Ivy League school, even though she didn't go to one herself.  My usual responses were pretty weak; I'd try to say, &quot;but I am tough&quot;, &quot;but I am smart&quot;, &quot;but I am funny&quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;All of my closest friends advised me to break up with her as soon as possible.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I finally did so, and I never looked back for a second - there wasn't an ounce of regret.  I was able to be funny, confident, and caring to my friends again.  I met new girls for dates, and life was very exciting and spontaneous. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't change her verbally abusive ways, and the problem is not about you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like she has major intrapersonal issues to work out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, onto what you can do, from an IPS perspective, if you are convinced that you want to stay in a relationship with her: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can work on humorous, clever, and witty put-downs&lt;/strong&gt; to respond to her with, when she insults you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The goal here is humor&lt;/em&gt;, so refrain from any personal attacks on her, e.g. you could make a mockery of her insults or undermine the insults.  You could try using a bit of exaggeration to make her realize how ridiculous her insults sound.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when she calls you stupid, perhaps respond with, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, wow, that's awesome!  I’m really glad that &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; was honest&#xA;  enough to express their opinion of me - and it really is helpful to know&#xA;  that I'm stupid!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’m sorry, but did you &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; say that I was stupid??&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not respond with anger.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you respond with anger, you effectively give her insults credibility, and you will stoop to her level, equalizing you two in a pointless, unproductive argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Choose to accept some of the insults.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could consider accepting &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; of her insults as a means to self-improvement, but you have to carefully analyze which of her insults are truthful, and which are just plain verbal abuse that you should not tolerate (and should thus respond back with humorous put-downs).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unlike the insults from your closest and trustworthy friends and family members that you can sometimes use as a means to self-improvement, the insults from your abusive girlfriend are very likely only meant to harm you.  I would be very careful about choosing to accept &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; of her insults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Perhaps the best advice of all is to ignore the insults.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this does not really apply to you, as you have already said that you want to stay in the relationship with her.  So, you'll need to work on your responses to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201302/how-deal-insults-and-put-downs&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201302/how-deal-insults-and-put-downs&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T09:27:43.200" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T09:27:43.200" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-20T23:02:53.560" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to risk breaking up with her, then you are in her power and she will continue to abuse you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is (presumably) an adult and responsible for her behaviour. This means you have every moral right to hold her accountable for the way she relates to you, and demand and end to her shitty and manipulative behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a first step, you need to set clear boundaries that this behaviour is unacceptable and you will not tolerate. No need to be crude, but you need to be firm. Make your expectation that it not happen again absolutely clear. And then back it up. Do not tolerate abuse from her. She is an adult and therefore responsible for her behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the short term, you can refuse to co-operate with her. Tell her right there and then to stop and that you won't tolerate it. If she continues, tell her to go get her furniture delivered by professionals. Just dump the cupboard in the stairwell, leave her at the dinner table or the party, or whatever the situation, and leave her with the problem of her own making. Do not cave in to emotional manipulation like crying and so on. She's the one who sucks for doing this to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let her know that these tactics will not work on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the behaviour continues, and you've discussed it, end the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember the golden rule: no one will respect you if you do not first respect yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15594" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-03-20T23:40:58.413" LastActivityDate="2018-03-20T23:40:58.413" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T01:15:53.087" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;I might have been in a similar situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a health issue that bothers me so I won't go into further detail about it. The reason I mention it is because some times my girlfriend used it to hurt me even though I had asked her to stop it. The last time she did it I said &lt;em&gt;&quot;you know what?, I don't want anything with you anymore&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Long story short, she apologized and she's never mentioned it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to show her that you won't tolerate such disrespect. I'm not saying that you should be mean, but make your point clear, and if she doesn't respect you then the best you can do is finish that relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2737" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2018-03-24T14:40:26.287" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T14:40:26.287" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11871" CreationDate="2018-03-21T02:20:18.683" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, drop the weight as an issue, it isn't one. You could be huge, and still make this hike. It is far more likely that a person is overweight because they don't exercise enough to make this trip, then it is that they can make this trip and be quite large, but that doesn't matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also try to avoid questioning her ability to complete the hike. Fact of the matter is you don't know. She could be totally able to handle the hike. She says she is, so assume she is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I do when I lead hikes with new groups is have some &quot;test runs&quot;. First try to find a hike that is a easy grade but lasts about as long (as you would spend in a single day). That means if your going to do 3 hours of hiking then, find  a nice level grade hike and walk for three hours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next find a short hike that is close to the same grade that you will be facing. A steep 30 min. hike. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then finally, pick a middle road (a moderately steep grade that lasts 1/5 hours) and talk about pacing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the planning phase (before and tickets or reservations) make sure to go through the test runs. Someone that has never hiked before won't make it through the 3 hour walk. Someone that is in decent shape (from say a treadmill) and makes the three hours flat walk will feel near dead going up a steep incline for 30 mins. And even if they make it through all that, the combo test will give them one hell of a sour taste. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It won't be long before &quot;I wana come, I can walk,&quot; becomes &quot;no you guys go ahead, I'm not having that much fun.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you make the test hikes then it's time for the other training. Start mixing your training sessions together. Show, by example, the kind of exercises that need to be done with ease. Explain why. Avoid &quot;you much be able to do X machine for Y RPMS for Z long or else&quot; and instead explain that keeping your cardio high for such a long time is needed because the air is thinner (or what ever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly, make sure that your not just letting your mind think she is too fat, when in fact she is capable. Also make sure you don't set goals that are unreasonable, if she starts meeting your current goals. There is nothing wrong with making sure all members of the party are on the same page about the requirements to make the hike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails make all party members, your self included, do something like &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gr20.co.uk/gr20-quizz-fitness/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.gr20.co.uk/gr20-quizz-fitness/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T02:20:18.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12149" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12159" CreationDate="2018-03-21T03:33:11.600" Score="33" ViewCount="16856" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently heard about &lt;a href=&quot;https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/9781118540190.wbeic160&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Social Penetration Theory&lt;/a&gt; where the basic principle is that &lt;em&gt;&quot;in relationships, as people disclose more about themselves over time, those relationships develop layer by layer, with increased amounts of intimacy including through breadth, depth, and the norm of reciprocity&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and thought that it was interesting and since I have a few relationships where I want to increase exactly these things I decided to try and apply this concept to my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately it did not work as planned, I believe this is because there were existing assumed personal boundaries and my sudden self-disclosure breached this boundary which is not something I want to do, and resulted in the persons being caught off guard. More specifically I disclosed some very personal worries with my brother; and I disclosed how I felt/was impacted by a specific movie with my 6 month new friend. Contrary to my hope of increasing our closeness and making a step forwards in normalising the reciprocation of self-disclosure, each of them reacted quite awkwardly, continuing to respond but clearly avoiding the focus of my disclosed feelings, until they found a good chance to change the subject. Reciprocating their own feelings will possibly happen in my brother/friends own due time and forcing them or manipulating them is clearly out of the question, I was hoping to use Social Penetration Theory to mutually help each of us with our relationships together (which is what it is all about).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the characteristics of &lt;a href=&quot;http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm321/gwalker/relationships.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;self-disclosure&lt;/a&gt; is that it &lt;em&gt;&quot;stimulates feedback&quot;&lt;/em&gt; which would help towards my goal of increasing the &lt;em&gt;&quot;norm of reciprocity&quot;&lt;/em&gt; however it seemed to have the opposite effect in my scenario because self-disclosure breached a boundary in our relationship. I would say that there are lots of relationships like this; relationships where it is assumed that the people involved &lt;strong&gt;do not talk about their personal feelings&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I apply Social Penetration Theory to increase the closeness of my relationship with someone who has already categorised our relationship as one where self-disclosure is not normal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T08:29:40.753" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T08:29:40.753" Title="How to use Social Penetration Theory to increase closeness with someone who doesn't normally talk about their feelings" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;academic-research&gt;&lt;interpersonal-theories&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T03:33:20.450" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;In a relationship she should be able to tell me what she thinks&quot; - this is true. But you should also be able to tell her what you think which is &quot;she was insulting and mean&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a direct talk with her and let her know that yes, while there are other men who are more 'manly/stronger/intelligent', there are also other women who might be more 'kind/respectful/understanding'. Ask her how she would feel if you were to call her stupid and weak. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any relationship, there are  adjustments to be made but tolerating frequent insults from your partner is not one of them, that's a behavior that's going to cause problems for both of you in the long run. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T03:33:20.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12130" CreationDate="2018-03-21T03:46:11.037" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to be conflating &lt;em&gt;understanding their position&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;convincing them of your position&lt;/em&gt;.  Those are not the same thing at all.  The latter is much more likely to lead to arguments, but the former, if done well, can lead to thoughtful conversation without hostility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to understanding another person's position is to &lt;em&gt;ask questions&lt;/em&gt; -- dispassionate questions, not leading or provocative questions.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How do you account for [observation that conflicts with stated position]? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Does that mean that [logical-seeming conclusion of stated position] is also true/is something we should do/etc?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Could you explain more about [supporting argument]?  I'm having a little trouble following your reasoning.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to avoid the word &quot;but&quot;.  Phrase your questions as part of a shared pursuit of better understanding -- you're collaborating, not opponents.  (I don't mean that you should say that explicitly; I mean: approach it with that mindset.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A related problem comes up on Stack Exchange with comments.  I &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/a/140578/162102&quot;&gt;wrote some stuff on Meta.SE&lt;/a&gt; about commenting style that applies to sensitive in-person conversations too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T03:46:11.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T04:38:15.010" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Her behavior does not sound trivial. It sounds abusive. While I respect your want to stay with her, she needs to decide if she wants to stay with you or stop the abuse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no point in your arguing with her while she's berating you. State that you will not tolerate such language, that it hurts, and that having a positive relationship with her is important to you. Then leave the scenario, or leave the room. If you want to discuss the abuse, do it with a mediator present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's my main suggestion. Abusive language is a major red flag in any relationship - get counseling. If she is unwilling to do that for you, is it worth continuing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8357" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T04:38:15.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T05:13:59.507" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You and she seem to have fundamentally different philosophies about relationships. Specifically, the two of you seem to place very different weight on respect and politeness vs. openness and candor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that there is an important asymmetry here: if she is disrespectful to you, it will hurt you more than if you are not open towards her. After all, she may not even &lt;em&gt;notice&lt;/em&gt; when you are not being open. (She does not sound very attuned to your feelings.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people believe that one &quot;should be able to tell what's disturbing you with your SO&quot;, to quote you. And yes, this is correct. Nevertheless, it needs to be done with respect. Respect and politeness are &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; important in close relationships than among strangers, because you can always walk away from strangers. Regularly hurting your SO's feelings can fester and poison the entire relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, it appears to me that this is much more of an issue for you than for her. I suspect that your SO does not even understand why you are making &quot;such a big deal&quot; out of this. For you, conversely, it's like a few grains of sand in a delicate piece of machinery - it looks trivial, but over time, it will grind things down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend that you sit down with your SO and have a talk with her along &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;nonviolent communication&lt;/a&gt; lines. Tell her specifically and neutrally what she said. Then tell her how this made you feel. Tell her that this is important to you, and ask her to work on her communication. Ask her whether she understands that this is an important topic for the long term, especially if you two plan on moving in together. Validate her desire for openness, but also ask her (and expect her!) to validate your desire for respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does understand that this is an important matter, then there is hope. Do consider counseling. Better to invest the time and money now than to let this fester.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she brushes you off and treats your concerns about your communication style as cavalierly as she has been treating your requests for respect so far, I recommend strongly that you think long and hard about whether this is a relationship that you will be able to keep up in the long term. Constant low-grade conflict is not a good fundament for a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1786" LastEditorUserId="1786" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T05:50:59.367" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T05:50:59.367" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12156" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T07:24:42.050" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are correct. This is disrespectful and rude. You ask &quot;How can I show her that her behavior hurts my feelings and that I would like her to stop doing this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prior to my answer I will quickly note: A relationship where one partner continues to do something like this will not be healthy or sustainable in the long term. It is draining to be with a partner who always criticises you or puts you down and makes you feel small. My answer demonstrates how you can communicate to her why you are hurt, but if she continues to behave in this way, the relationship is going to be very difficult to maintain in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now on to my answer. As I alluded to in the note, it is draining to be with a person who criticises you or puts you down. Everywhere in the world you go there are people who are not on your side, who care nothing for you or your best interests. Your partner should be the one person in the world who is on your side, who does care for your best interests. We are constantly surrounded by people who want to judge us and want to criticise us. A partner is someone who is accepting for who we are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, a partner has a lot of power over you. Their words have meaning, moreso than other people in the world. You can ignore their opinions, but you can't ignore hers because you care about her. She needs to learn that her position is one of power, and that she can't just throw words around flippantly like she may do with her friends or family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a good place to start the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I know I'm not the best craftsman. It's easy to compare myself with&#xA;  my family to tell that. When you tell me that I'm not a good&#xA;  craftsman, it reminds me of that yet again, and it's even worse&#xA;  because I really care about you and what you think. It makes me feel&#xA;  like I'm not good enough for you, it makes me feel like I need to&#xA;  change. I want to feel accepted by you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can &quot;say whatever she wants&quot;, but she must also remember that her words have a lot of &lt;em&gt;power&lt;/em&gt; with you. The closer you are to someone, the more powerful and influential their words are. She needs to learn to be careful with her words because they have a lot of power.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Your opinion is really important to me, moreso than other people's&#xA;  opinions. I can ignore what they say. But your words have power, they&#xA;  are really important and valuable. I can't just ignore what you think&#xA;  like I can for other people. And when you remind me of things that are  inadequate about me, things I already know, then it hurts a lot because I care about you a lot.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The critical thing here is that you communicate to her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You care a lot about her and her opinion of you.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want to be accepted by her and you want to feel good enough for her.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Her words are very powerful and influential to you because she is  important.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When she uses these words, she can do a lot of good and a lot of damage.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When she speaks well of you, it can cancel out all of the bad/negative things that other people say.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When she speaks badly of you, it's worse than anything that anyone else could say.   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, this is a realisation that she needs to come to on her own. Your words will only get so far. She needs to learn this for herself, otherwise she's going to have difficulty in any relationship. If she doesn't learn this quickly, then the relationship is going to become more painful to endure as it continues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T12:03:54.987" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T12:03:54.987" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12149" CreationDate="2018-03-21T07:44:36.273" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I use Social Penetration Theory to increase the closeness of&#xA;  my relationship with someone who has already categorised our&#xA;  relationship as one where self-disclosure is not normal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if it's well intentioned, putting pressure on someone when they are not ready for it is going to make them disinclined to open up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to get anyone to open up to you is to be their genuine friend and give them time and space to open up to you organically. And even then, they may never. There is no magical formula for trust. It is earned, and not by everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have family members who have been through deep, painful experiences in the past. They have things that they struggle with emotionally on a daily basis, and they are incredibly guarded people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it can be incredibly painful for a person to re-visit these things. I have relationships with family that have taken &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt; to develop to the point where I am trusted by them. It was an organic, slow process where I respected their boundaries and gave them the time and space to be able to progress things at the pace they felt comfortable. I can count on one hand the number of people that they have opened up to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please remember that your friends/relations may not be in the place where they are anywhere near comfortable to open up to you. By pushing the issue you may be causing them even more discomfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please be careful to not put pressure on them. You may want to feel closer to them, but remember that they may not be in the place to let you in right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My (above) answer was my initial reaction to this question in light of my experience with family and friends who have deep and painful hurts in their lives. While these techniques have been known to work and studied, remember that encouraging people to open up when they aren't ready for it can be damaging to the relationship and painful for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T11:03:01.470" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T11:03:01.470" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12149" CreationDate="2018-03-21T08:01:46.680" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, I think you misunderstood the 'theory' part of social penetration theory. It's a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.communicationstudies.com/communication-theories/social-penetration-theory&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;theory researchers use to describe the development of friendships&lt;/a&gt;, instead of a method to follow for making friendships:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social Penetration Theory explains these differences in communication in relation to the depth of interpersonal relationships. Developed in 1973 by psychologists Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor, the theory states that relationships begin and deepen through self-disclosure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, be advised that SPT is no fail-safe way of making friends, but rather a theory that theorizes on how friendships are formed. That, in my opinion, doesn't rule out the fact that you can consciously use self-disclosure in an attempt to deepen your relationships with people though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, from your comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;however the introduction of talking about my feelings on it was out of the blue. (with my friend, we were talking about movies for a little while and then I transitioned from talking about the mediocre CGI or great dialogue of one movie, to another movie and this time I talked about how much of an impact on me it had and what it made me feel)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Combined with the fact that you've just been friends for six months, I think you've been doing the self-disclosure thing 'wrong', and that might have resulted from a misinterpretation of the 'sharing your feelings' part. You just barged full steam ahead, while these things are supposed to take time. &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-disclosure&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;From wikipedia&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reciprocity must be gradual and match the intimacy of the other's disclosures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Too rapid, too personal disclosure creates an imbalance in a relationship that can be discomfiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, how much time it will take will differ from person to person, there's some evidence that &lt;a href=&quot;http://family.jrank.org/pages/1471/Self-Disclosure-Gender-Differences.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;gender&lt;/a&gt; does play a role as well in how often and when people decide to self-disclose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Self-disclosure can be a very useful skill, but only if employed properly.&lt;/strong&gt; According to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mastersincounseling.org/self-disclosure-what-you-need-to-know.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this source&lt;/a&gt; self-disclosure is seemingly more of a tool to tell people 'I relate to what you're going through right now', instead of making it about yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Counselors must be very careful when using self-disclosure. Otherwise the session can become more about the counselor than the client, and that does not serve the clients’ needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friends aren't used to have you sharing your feelings with them, doing so out of the blue might very well throw them off. Your &lt;a href=&quot;http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm321/gwalker/relationships.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;own source&lt;/a&gt; mentions this as well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is the time, place, and information appropriate and/or &lt;strong&gt;relevant&lt;/strong&gt;? &lt;sub&gt;(emphasis mine)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mastersincounseling.org/self-disclosure-what-you-need-to-know.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;first source&lt;/a&gt; again, a great example on how to disclose effectively:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if a client is upset over their divorce, the therapist may disclose that they, too, have survived a divorce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is focused on therapists, but the same goes for friendships. Let's have a little disclosure, because I have seen this happening in real life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/3385/1599&quot;&gt;Alice&lt;/a&gt;? She is on the autism spectrum. Which means, Alice has problems 'relating' to me. If I was talking about a problem or my feelings, Alice wouldn't disclose, because she couldn't relate. If Alice did any self-disclosure, it was at the most random times. Which, after a while, becomes pretty tiring and upsetting: You're trying to be there for someone when they're going through a rough patch, but once a patch hits you, there's never any reciprocity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the other girls from the same group I mentioned in that question is what I'd call my best friend now. Why? Because if I told her I was struggling with personal stuff, she'd be there for me. She'd be able to disclose she had gone through the same thing, or something similar, and be able to reassure me I'd survive. She'd share her feelings &lt;em&gt;on my problems&lt;/em&gt;, and not make it about &lt;em&gt;her feelings on her problems&lt;/em&gt;. Of course, the same goes otherwise, if she was telling me she felt like crap because she'd had a bad day, I'd ask her why and share my feelings or insights, but focused &lt;em&gt;on her problems&lt;/em&gt;. Over the course of &lt;strong&gt;about 8 years&lt;/strong&gt;, our friendship has become more and more intimate, to the point where she's recently felt comfortable enough to disclose some problems with a sexual relationship to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short, it seems like you went full steam ahead and started disclosing your own feelings, while, if you want to reach this kind of intimacy with your friends, it might be better to focus on relating to them and thus getting them to talk about their feelings. Ask them non-invasive questions about themselves, you could start with simple stuff like 'how are you'. If they reciprocitate, you can slowly ramp up the invasiveness of your questions over time, like 'You told me you had a date, how did it go'? You can use them talking about themselves to reveal things about yourself by finding analogies and bringing up something similar in your own life (like the therapist-divorce example above). &lt;em&gt;Make it about them, not you.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T09:08:31.953" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12160" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12149" CreationDate="2018-03-21T09:21:32.490" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT: This post contains my personal opinions only, formed over the course of my life on how to approach your problem. This is in no way to be viewed as a professional or scientific work and I have no research ready to back it up&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you have to consider three things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Does the other person even want to get any closer? This is simply not always the case. If they don´t, they won´t reciprocate and any move from you in that direction will become awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Timing where, when, how do you start going deeper? Naturally when you are both relaxed and comfortable, possibly already engaged in conversation. Also, when the other person tells you something that is troubling them - this is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; chance to reciprocate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Increment. Don´t jump from casual acquaintance to best-friend-ever. It just takes time to grow trust and friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best is to generally (not limited to self disclosure) go forward in baby steps and watch for the reaction. If you overstep the others boundaries just a little, you can easily recover and go back to normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also just volunteer to share and see if the other person wants to go further by asking about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Funny how some movie can impact your life.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh yea? what do you mean by that? (1)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; Don´t you have that sometimes, ideas from books and movies cause you to change thing in your life&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him&lt;/strong&gt; Yes, I think know what you mean. What was your most influential movie, if I may ask? (2)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you have hinted two times that you may have something more profound to tell, and he took you up on it. You can go further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine he answered in (1)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I don´t know man, just want to see a good story and have a good time.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or at (2)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Sure, but that´s kind of personal.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just drop it and go back to the level you where before. Don´t overdo it - if your offer to go deeper was rejected, that´s probably it for the evening. Just stay on the level you are both comfortable with for some time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T11:09:34.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T09:36:12.333" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;To challenge your 'I don't want to break up with her':&lt;br&gt;&#xA;How do you feel when you are leaving home to spend the weekend with her, do you feel excited to see her or do you feel a bit of anxiety? &#xA;During the week when you are home by yourself, do you feel like you are kind of waiting for the weekend to be with her again, even if you two don't have anything planned?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now for an actual answer: Stay home for a weekend when you would normally see her. When she asks you why you can't see her, tell her her comments had an negative impact on you and you'd like to spend the weekend by yourself and just do your own thing.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You've been spending a lot of your weekends with her, are there any friends you haven't seen in a while because of this? Hobbies you've stopped practicing? Something new you want to try? Put your phone on silent and go see that friend or go do that thing. Take some time off. Make her realize it's still your choice to see her and you're not afraid to take some time off for yourself. And if you answered yes on my second challenge question above, make yourself realize it too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a bit biased having come out of a 3 year relationship 8 months ago and now in wonderful 2 month old relationship, but really think about the long term value of this relationship. You both were given a challenge in getting that cupboard up the stairs. You succeeded in doing that as a couple, but instead of affixing a sense of victory to that cupboard you will now feel a sense of defeat every time you look at it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;How will you handle bigger issues as a couple? When you move in together these comments will erode your entire relationship (speaking from 2 experiences of 4 years and 3 years). &lt;strong&gt;OP, do NOT move in together before having resolved this!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3388" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T09:36:12.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T09:36:29.870" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I show her that her behavior hurts my feelings and that I would like her to stop doing this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the question and also the solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show, don't tell!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tell someone you're hurt, but for them to remember, they need to feel it. Human brains remember feelings better than facts. If you get emotional, she will notice. Then you can tell her why. Ignore her for some time if necessary. Or in short, make this a conflict she'll remember.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conflicts are actually a healthy thing in a relationship (to some extent). Not everything can be talked out calmly, because if you seem calm, she'll think it's not that bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make her see it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7470" LastEditorUserId="7470" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T14:38:13.557" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T14:38:13.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12164" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12140" CreationDate="2018-03-21T10:01:53.860" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid this looks like a hopeless cause as you mentioned she does that for all kinds of meetings. &#xA;If you want to express your dissatisfaction hoping she will improve, then this may fail but if you want to do it to let her know her behavior is not fine, then you can go with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Kate, I would really appreciate if you cancelled/informed us about your status for the meetings we planned together. I'm inconvenienced by not knowing if the meeting is still scheduled. Is there some problem with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short and simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T12:20:08.470" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T12:20:08.470" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T10:21:41.603" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the sound of it, she outright does not know that what she does hurts you. Without her actions having clear repercussions it's little wonder why she's become irresponsible towards you and thinks she can get away with doing what she does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say 'thinks', but past a certain point (and I speak from experience, having dealt with a good number of such cases) she probably doesn't think about it at all. Once you get too accustomed to someone, it's easy to forget the boundaries set between the two of you. This is in no way the kind of case that would warrant breaking up, not if you've been together for 4 years, because if she minded it so much outside of those immediate moments she would've broken up with you a long time ago. However, whether she wants it or not, through this kind of behavior she's using and abusing you. You need to confront her in order to set those boundaries and get her to understand what is acceptable and what is not. She probably won't be able to fix that outright, because changing unconscious behaviors like this one takes a lot of effort, but be clear and concise with her while giving her the chance to prove to you that she can do better than she currently is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15656" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T10:21:41.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T10:29:45.510" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Damn, there are many answers already, but I'm still going to add my own. I will use D. Hutchinson's excellent examples first, as I believe you will be able to look at them in a more detached way since they're not directly about you. Then I will switch to your question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I used to be in a long-term, exclusive relationship with a girl that was also verbally abusive to me, &lt;strong&gt;but I couldn't imagine being brave enough to break up with her - she was good-looking, popular, and smart&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the heart of the matter: here, there are no kids, mortgages or other strong reasons to stay in an abusive relationship. You can end it at any time and make it stop. Of course, once you acknowledge that, you can no longer paint yourself as a powerless victim, and have to accept responsibility for letting her abuse you instead of simply leaving. It  takes quite a bit of effort to admit this, but it's empowering. If a relationship makes you unhappy, you can either try to fix it or make it stop any time you want... No-one is pointing a gun to your head and forcing you to be a victim...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I don't think OP's (or D.Hutchinson's) examples were abuse at all. It's a lot simpler than that. I'll still use D's examples because really, you two have the exact same problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she constantly claimed that I wasn't tough, wasn't manly enough, was not smart enough, was not mentally stimulating enough for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course! I also got served copious amounts of all of above, they're really funny. What she's doing is giving you a challenge. She wants a boyfriend who is manly, smart, and mentally stimulating (is anyone surprised by this?). &lt;strong&gt;Therefore, she asks you to show her that you actually possess these qualities.&lt;/strong&gt; That's logic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Picture your little brother inviting you to play a game, he could say something like &quot;I'm so gonna crush your n00b ass on CoD!&quot; (or basketball, or whatever). That isn't an insult, it's a challenge!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She said other stuff about how she doubts I could put up with her bitchy ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I got served that one tons of time too. She's trying to help you when she says that. That even sounds like an apology for treating you a bit rough...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My usual responses were pretty weak; I'd try to say, &quot;but I am tough&quot;, &quot;but I am smart&quot;, &quot;but I am funny&quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, this is called digging your own hole. Show, don't tell!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All of my closest friends advised me to break up with her as soon as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They were either clueless or jealous you were dating the &quot;good-looking, popular, and smart&quot; girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now back to OP. Sorry for the rough tone, but you need to be kicked back into shape.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Back at her apartment (she lives on the second floor, so we have to get the cupboard upstairs). We tried to carry it up but unfortunately we weren't able to get it up in one piece, that means there is a big scratch on the side. We both aren't the strongest and it was a heavy piece and the staircase is not very furniture-friendly. But we both did our best (which she knows).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's blaming you for not taking charge and showing initiative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are supposed to assess the weight of the furniture, and decide together if you two will be able to carry it up the stairs. If you are not strong enough, there's nothing wrong with that. Find a solution to the problem. Someone needs to take initiative. Either you or her, but if she doesn't then it has to be you. Discuss it. &quot;The stairway is narrow, and this is heavy, I think we should disassemble it, or call Steve for help, what do you think?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say &quot;it was a heavy piece and the staircase is not very furniture-friendly&quot;. This means &lt;strong&gt;you are blaming the furniture and the staircase&lt;/strong&gt;. However, these are inanimate objects. It crashed into the wall because &lt;strong&gt;one or both of you&lt;/strong&gt; made it crash into the wall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when her cupboard was damaged, what you should have done is accept responsibility: &quot;Sorry for damaging it&quot; or &quot;I should have noticed the staircase would be a problem&quot; or something like that, instead of weaseling out of it and blaming the staircase. The former will make her respect you more, and the latter will make her respect you less (and she's right about this, it is logical).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And while we reassembled the cupboard, she started to &quot;insult&quot; me, by telling me how bad of a craftsman I am&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she was pissed that it was damaged and letting off steam? Angry people say things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She also kept telling me that I could have done better while carrying the cupboard, and that &lt;strong&gt;as I am the man I should be much stronger&lt;/strong&gt;. But actually it was both our fault that the cupboard did not survive like planned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear feminist readers, please skip this paragraph. She is giving you all the information you need, but you aren't listening. She is literally telling you that as the man, she expects you to be in charge of hauling operations. You were supposed to direct her in the stairs. And as the one in charge, you're the one responsible for failure. Management 101. She's right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you say &quot;it was both our fault that the cupboard did not survive&quot; which she would interpret as an attempt to weasel out of it and blame it on her. So she gets angry. Not surprising.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope you were able to get an idea of how she &lt;strong&gt;hurts my feelings&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You sure are complaining a lot! Try this experiment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her you thought about it, and yeah, it was your fault for breaking the cupboard. Explain how it happened. Something like &quot;I didn't tell you to stop, so you kept turning left, and I didn't have time to get the proper grip, so I lost balance and it crashed.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her if she expected you to direct her. My money's on a &quot;yes&quot;. Ask her what you should have said to avoid the crash. Remember when hauling stuff, most of the time each person can't see the others' grip or when the stuff is going to crash in the wall. Communication is required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, check her reaction. If you own your failure and show guilt, she's a lot more likely to forgive you or say that it's okay once she's no longer angry. In fact, this tells you if she's abusive or not. If you own your mistake and she doesn't forgive you, and keeps reminding you of the fact constantly to put you down, then it's abuse. If she forgives you after a reasonable delay, then she was just angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T10:29:45.510" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T10:41:17.060" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In a relationship, I should be able to say what I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mostly correct, and it helps a lot not having to second-guess your partner.  So now you know that she thinks you not enough of a handy and strong man to be worth having.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either you are ok with her metrics.  If you are, you need to work on better matching them.  If you aren't, you need to draw a line, and if she cannot be satisfied with the space that leaves her, you have no relationship to work with with her: just with who you wish her to be.  But that one's out of your reach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think Oscar Wilde had one of his characters say in one of his works (&quot;The Picture of Dorian Gray&quot;?) &quot;Men marry with the expectation that their wives will stay the same, women with the expectation that their husband will change.  Both are disappointed.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point, both of you need to take a look at what you actually have rather than what you'd wish to be having (and that's quite harder when not going long-distance) and decide whether you can work with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user15660" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T10:41:17.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12140" CreationDate="2018-03-21T11:02:06.613" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing you need to address is how Kate's behaviour is directly affecting you: she's causing you to spend your personal time waiting for her, or chasing her up to see if she's attending. The fact that she is not turning up is not the primary issue - it's that she's not telling you that she's not showing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Kate, you've not come to a few catch ups now; it's okay if you can't come or if you don't want to anymore but since I've been waiting for you each time expecting you to attend you might imagine it's a bit frustrating for me. In future would you mind giving me a quick message in advance if you're coming or not? Otherwise we may have to assume you can't make it and go ahead in your absence.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'd be well within your rights to not continue your practice of waiting near Kate's desk so you can go to the meetings together - from the message above you would have warned her that if she's absent at the agreed start time you'll go ahead without her (at least, if she's not warned you or asked you wait for her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have continued concerns about what might be causing Kate to fail to show, even after her initial reassurances that nothing's up, you might consider making more personal enquiries; it might at least give you peace of mind regarding why she's been absent. It's unlikely that she's doing it out of malice; she may in fact have some very good reasons that make it difficult to show up on time, which you may choose to follow up on (or not). It may just be ignorance or absent-mindedness... again you might choose to help her out with reminders or similar, or you might not if this seems a waste of effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey Kate, about those times you didn't show up for meetings - I just wanted to check in again if there's anything that's getting in the way of you coming, or even making you not want to come anymore. We do value your joining us and are happy to make some adjustments if it'll make it easier for you to come. If you just forgot a few times that's fine too, maybe I could drop you a text when I'm about to leave?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing comes from any of this, you've made enough reasonable effort to accommodate her and can assume she's no longer interested in attending. If she causes any fuss about this you can simply say, &quot;We asked you several times to talk to us about why you weren't coming but since we didn't get a response we assumed you just didn't want to come anymore.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15610" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T11:02:06.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12140" CreationDate="2018-03-21T12:39:31.820" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of points from your question that are shaping my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, you say that &lt;strong&gt;you would like to talk to Kate about her behaviour, as you think it's unprofessional.&lt;/strong&gt; Of course the meetings you are talking about are not part of your &quot;professional&quot; working life, but I appreciate your point - when you organise something in a professional way (ie an electronic calendar appointment) you expect people to respond to it in kind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, &lt;strong&gt;although the meetings were Kate's idea, you were the one that made the calendar entry&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leads me to two conclusions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are well organised and appreciate organisation;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Kate is highly disorganised but likely believes the opposite.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry if that sounds obvious, but chronic disorganisation is often characterised by an obsession with organisation. Kate insisted on the regular meetings even when you didn't think it was necessary, likely because it makes her &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; organised knowing that someone else has made a firm arrangement. Of course, she has to work to live up to the arrangement, and she consistently fails. That she made another appointment that clashed with it suggests that either she doesn't care about her calendar, or maybe doesn't even look at it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two possible ways to address this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The direct approach&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approaching her directly and raising your grievance is the only sure way that you will get to discuss her behaviour, which is what your question says you really want. There may be consequences. She may take offence and it could create an atmosphere at your workplace. Also, because it is not directly a work matter, should the dispute come to the attention of management you don't even have the argument on your side that it was necessary to pull her up for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you must take this option, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Kate - is there any point keeping the meeting appointment for our&#xA;  catch-up? Just you haven't attended, and you haven't let us know that&#xA;  you were cancelling, so should I just delete the appointment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says that she still wants to keep the appointment and you are willing to give her one more chance, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, but could you please let us know in advance if you won't be&#xA;  attending?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The indirect approach&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may not seem like much of an interpersonal solution, but it &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; involve communication, and it &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; send a message. And it is simply this: &lt;em&gt;cancel the appointment&lt;/em&gt;. She should get an email or notification telling her that it has been cancelled. She can either respond by talking to you about it, or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the approach I would take, for these reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you get a response it will likely be the same as if you approached her directly, only she will have some time to think about what she says.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She may have suggested the meeting, but &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; made the appointment. This uses the same method of communication as setting it up in the first place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she has been genuinely struggling to keep the appointments, perhaps even dealing with a problem that you are unaware of, then she may well breathe a sigh of relief when it is cancelled. This could well be the kindest, and most peaceable option.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T12:39:31.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12002" CreationDate="2018-03-21T13:44:44.423" Score="2" Body="&lt;h3&gt; Turn the compliment into the one you wanted &lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, as noted by other answers, it's important to realise that the compliments are more for bonding, than to actually convey a fact they thought you didn't know. As such, people are looking for ways to make you feel good about yourself and in doing so - build a rapport with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing to realise, is people are wanting you to take away the idea that &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;I think positively about you, and want you to feel good&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. What exact words get to that result, does not matter in their mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is, when they compliment you on an aspect they think will give a positive reaction - your negative reaction comes across as modesty, or disbelief. Because of this, they are likely to stick to their guns or even double-down on it. The impression they get, is that you didn't believe the compliment and not that the compliment missed the mark itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Solution&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To help &amp;quot;celebrate your strength&amp;quot; instead of non-existent weight loss, as you mentioned, I suggest the following approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take their compliment, and accept it as the one you actually wanted.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea here is that you do not deny the sentiment of somebody complimenting you, but you alter the item they are complimenting you on; so that you truly feel happy to have received it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: Those pants fit you well, you can see how you've lost inches&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OP: Thanks very much! I'm definitely getting a lot bigger and stronger; I'm aiming to bench &lt;code&gt;amount&lt;/code&gt; by &lt;code&gt;goal date&lt;/code&gt; - it's really good feeling like my arms have got so much bigger already!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing is you are accepting the notion of &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;I want you to feel good&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; and not the specific item they (misguidedly) complimented you with. You are keeping the sentiment of their compliment, but changing the words to give you something you are genuinely pleased with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Importantly, you do not disagree with what they said directly. This isn't because you accept the details they said, but because doing so will come across as disbelief or modesty - both of which are likely to have the original compliment repeated to you more explicitly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking this approach allows you to feel good and build rapport with the other gym members, but still avoids you disingenuously taking a compliment you disagree with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10883" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T13:44:44.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T13:58:01.040" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't want to accept the various comments made as a single package as true?&#xA;Then don't.  Say nothing.  Just look at her, with a neutral expression and neutral stance.  When the outburst is past, initiate the next task, without any reference to the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Responding to the package gives every comment validity and/or invites more.  Even demonstrating that they were untrue is likely to do no more than change the subject, without changing the likelihood of it happening again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15671" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T13:58:01.040" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12130" CreationDate="2018-03-21T15:05:17.877" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The thing about interjecting or asking people to provide sources to their claims is that to outside observers it will often look like pedantic hair-splitting or attempts to derail/hijack the conversation. Which is probably why you sometimes get hostile reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To try to minimize these perceptions there are a few things to keep in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is the person objectively wrong, or is their claim a matter of opinion?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your example of &quot;human animals&quot; is actually a pretty good case study. Obviously by the dictionary definition humans &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; animals, but from a philosophical perspective there can be all sorts of answers. Thing is though, when talking about philosophy asking for source is rather pointless, one isn't talking about scientific testable facts. When dealing with opinions that do not have one true objectively correct answers (like if humans are &quot;just&quot; animals or &quot;more then&quot; animals) it is best not to frame it as if someone can be incorrect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Am I adding anything to the conversation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say people are discussing, say, gun laws and someone mentions &quot;number of bullets in the clip&quot;, now you might think, it should be &quot;rounds per magazine&quot; and actual clips are something somewhat different, but if everyone understands the person and it doesn't change the nature of their argument there is no real point to interrupt them with a technicality, it doesn't add anything and may seem hostile (or smart ass-y to other people). But if they say something factually incorrect that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; relevant, like &quot;barrel shrouds make a weapon more capable of being fired from the hip&quot; &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; you ask them to back that up and/or explain why they are wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Try to figure out what is the key point of the argument&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to interject it is a good idea to know why, or what you are trying to get across. Getting back to the human animal example: so someone claims humans are &quot;just animals&quot;, so what? You might disagree, but why is that important? If someone says something like that just to make conversation and then moves on it might not be worth to engage them about it, but if they use it to try and prop up a wrong or disagreeable argument (i.e. &quot;because humans are just animals killing and fighting is great, because it's &lt;em&gt;natural&lt;/em&gt;!&quot;) then it makes sense to interject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;People get annoyed when they think someone wants to argue for argument's sake or points out minor, irrelevant mistakes to make themselves seem smart. So try to understand the &quot;heart&quot; or the main point of the other person and address that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2019-03-17T19:48:37.543" LastActivityDate="2019-03-17T19:48:37.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5850" CreationDate="2018-03-21T15:39:10.663" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you think of the new employee as an intern, you might be able to resolve these difficulties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interns, legally, are typically given work experience, but the work product they produce isn't necessarily used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make up some work as a learning experience that will help him to learn and grow, but is not demanding of you and other's time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already started doing this, but I think rather than giving him real work you're actually doing or in need of, you need to create work that requires even less hand holding, even if you don't need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make his job about learning to type, and have him &quot;work&quot; for an hour a day on that, then give him a job researching something online so he can learn the skill of searching online, give him a job of communicating business information to others so he can learn how to email, phone, etc others and report important information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Treat it as job training - an internship - and you might find that shift in your approach resolves the issues you've been having.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T15:39:10.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12182" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13004" CreationDate="2018-03-21T15:48:03.657" Score="2" ViewCount="2278" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are in our mid 20s living in Germany and have separated over one and a half years ago. We have grown even closer despite breaking up back then. I broke up with her because of her lack of affection towards me (she knows it, we talked a lot about it). As per her words I am the closest person to her; closer than anyone has ever been. Since our breakup we have had sex once (December last year), as per her own words it wasn't a mistake. She confided in me that she throws me out after one to two hours because she fears we would have sex (January). We sometimes talk about sex and intimacy in general; face to face works about 40 to 50% of the times, while via text works only 10 to 20% of the times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I insist on getting an answer from her (this includes any and all topics) she starts ignoring me (has been like that since we first met each other).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time we met (Saturday the week before last) we were almost intimate. She didn't want to because it were her fertile days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I talk to her about our intimacy when most of the times she either ignores the questions or changes the subject?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goals&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously I don't mind being intimate with her, even asexual intimacy, though I don't want to get back together with her yet (she knows it, we also talked a lot about that). &lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; I do not wish for her to only be intimate with me because of fear I may leave her completely. Which is why I need to know if she is being honest when we get intimate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Knowledge I seek from talking to her about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why she avoids the subject most of the times&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why she wants to have sex with me now&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bonus:&lt;/strong&gt; Make her comfortable talking about (our) intimacy with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15683" LastEditorUserId="15683" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T15:59:48.743" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T14:35:00.857" Title="How to aproach the subject of intimacy with an ex?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12183" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12197" CreationDate="2018-03-21T16:36:38.767" Score="34" ViewCount="4812" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 29 year old male. Sometimes find myself in a situation with a male coworker who I've just met, or a male stranger who I'm talking with (at a bus stop, for example), and they make a comment about a woman that I find to be in bad taste. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: &quot;Have you met the new secretary? She has an amazing body doesn't she?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or a stranger in public: &quot;Check out that girl ... I'd like to get some of that!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to simultaneously communicate these two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I feel that their comment is demeaning and objectifying of women&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm not trying to put them down, and I don't think I'm morally 'above' them. I don't think less of them as a person and I haven't become less interested in having discussion/friendship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clarification:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I'm not suggesting that it's disrespectful for a man to simply find a woman attractive. What I find demeaning and objectifying is when a man verbalizes his sexual attraction to a woman's body as a topic of casual conversation - especially when the man clearly has no knowledge or interest in any character trait of the woman. Also demeaning and objectifying are comments made about sexual things he would like to do with her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;At least one answer to this question notes that I didn't mention anything about wanting to change the way the person thinks. But that is really my greatest hope in the way that I respond - that I would help the person to think more critically about the way they talk (and think) about women; that their perceptions of women would not be reduced to sexual preferences and fantasies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15678" LastEditorUserId="15678" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T13:22:07.883" LastActivityDate="2019-01-13T22:04:39.560" Title="How to helpfully react to a male coworker's sexual comment about a woman" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12183" CreationDate="2018-03-21T17:17:34.080" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone tries to involve you in an inappropriate comment - whether it be sexist, racist, or whatever - any inaction on your part can be interpreted by them as tacit approval. It may come back upon you at a later time - for example if it is a workmate rather than a complete stranger and they feel you approved they may go on to say it to someone else who strongly objects. Further, they may defend themselves by naming you and saying that you didn't mind when they said it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate the two goals you have set in your question and both are important - but hopefully you will agree that the first point is more important than the second. I cannot guarantee how people will react to whatever you choose say, but it should at least achieve the first goal of showing your disapproval and &lt;em&gt;hopefully&lt;/em&gt; achieve the secondary goal of not closing the door on a discussion or friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you smile, but say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can't say that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The smile will indicate that you are not so offended you cannot continue speaking to them, but the message is pretty direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, some may say that this could still be interpreted as tacit approval - that you perhaps mean &lt;em&gt;&quot;I secretly think that too, but society doesn't allow us to say it&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. However, it is a fact that some people (rightly or wrongly) think it is okay to say things in an &quot;ironic&quot; way for humour value. Others simply do not know how to express themselves any other way. In your example, perhaps the guy making the comment really does think the woman is attractive (which is fair enough) but doesn't really know how to express it acceptably and so defaulted to an archaic, sexist comment. I think my suggested approach gives them the benefit of the doubt and is most likely to achieve both of your goals. If they are a decent person then this is gentle nudge in the right direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; find that they apologise! In which case you can follow up with...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No apology needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...and then change the subject. Moving onto a different subject shows them you are not offended beyond recovery and achieves your secondary goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, if the person is really behind what they said then they may argue with you, which indicates to you that they were &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; being ironic or short of a better expression - they really &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; sexist, or whatever. In this instance, I really wouldn't care about the secondary goal as I don't want to talk to sexists or racists. In this instance you can go on to state...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well I was trying to be polite, but really - &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; don't believe you&#xA;  should say that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it clear that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't approve, and while the secondary goal may be lost, I don't think you have lost any friendship that you would really wan't to keep anyway. I also believe that in the workplace it is highly unlikely you would get to this point. Most people know that you cannot get away with inappropriate comments in the workplace these days, and the first gentle reminder from you will probably be enough to put that right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T17:29:01.680" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T17:29:01.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12149" CreationDate="2018-03-21T17:27:11.213" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I use Social Penetration Theory to increase the closeness of&#xA;  my relationship with someone who has already categorised our&#xA;  relationship as one where self-disclosure is not normal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to the theory, you can increase in intimacy by expressing more of your true self with someone.  &lt;strong&gt;But this is not guaranteed.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry to say, if you share vulnerability with a person who's not open with you, that person is not obligated to reciprocate.  In fact, I can think of scenarios in which they have obligations not to reciprocate.  For instance, suppose you were becoming vulnerable with a manager, client, or government official, and too much closeness was prohibited by conflict-of-interest policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than increasing &lt;em&gt;intimacy&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;closeness&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;focus on increasing in &lt;em&gt;friendship&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;  Aristotle said that in true friendship, you do stuff for your friend for their own sake rather than to receive any reciprocation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under this theory, on some days or with some people, you become a better friend by not sharing your feelings, if that's what your friend needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An Alternate Situation: Your New Friend is Looking Sad Today&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say that your friend's face reveals something that he or she is bottling up, and you are convinced that the best thing for your friend's own interests would be to share this burden with you (because you are willing to help in some real way: emotionally, financially, or by doing something).  &lt;em&gt;Then go ahead and ask what's going on!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But just because you asked, that doesn't make him or her obligated to open up to you.  On the contrary, if he or she doesn't want to talk about it, it's &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;your job&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to change the subject so the rest of your conversation isn't awkward; and most importantly: don't be angry about it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get angry with your friend for not becoming open with you, you miss an opportunity to establish trust that you are the kind of person who will support your friend's decisions.  And &lt;strong&gt;trust is more important for growing your friendship than whatever this thing is&lt;/strong&gt; that they won't share.  Besides, you might be wrong: maybe it truly isn't in your friend's best interests to tell you what's going on... or maybe it's not in your best interests to hear about it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared, though: Your friend may share something that's hard to hear, like, &quot;I can't afford this dinner&quot; or &quot;I need a place to live after next week&quot;.  But think of how close he or she will feel if you come through and help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some references on Friendship:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Medical journal The Lancet has identified &lt;em&gt;loneliness&lt;/em&gt; as a condition with a 26% risk of premature mortality, which affects a third of people in industrialized nations and one in 12 severely. (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(18)30142-9/fulltext&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;read more here - The Lancet&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://hbr.org/cover-story/2017/09/work-and-the-loneliness-epidemic&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;also here - Harvard Business Review&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aristotle wrote that friendship is where you do your friend good for his or her own sake, not because you think you can benefit somehow.  (&lt;a href=&quot;https://medium.com/@Gregory_Sadler/how-difficult-is-it-to-find-an-aristotelian-friend-7daf78885db2&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;read more here - Medium.com&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jesus said that &quot;Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.&quot; (&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/John%2015:13&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;John 15:13, NASB&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wasn't Snape a true friend to Harry, after all? (&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.telegraph.co.uk/books/what-to-read/jk-rowling-apologises-killing-snape/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;2017 article at telegraph.co.uk&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T21:44:26.090" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T21:44:26.090" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12183" CreationDate="2018-03-21T17:45:22.490" Score="5" Body="&lt;h1&gt;My Answer&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given you only care to express that you dislike it, you should ignore or make a gesture/noise dismissing it. He may continue to make these comments a few times more, but it'll naturally stop over time once you stop feeding into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some ways you could dismiss it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignoring the comment completely or immediately changing the subject&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Making a &quot;Hmm&quot; sound acknowledging the comment but not responding to it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As CrazyCucumber said, suggesting that thinking about your coworkers that way is weird (&quot;Eh, I feel weird thinking about my coworkers sexually&quot;)*&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;* I'm not a huge fan of this one in all situations. If the person is very macho/overbearing, this might come off as looking down on them while a more logical/mindful person won't.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I suggest dismissing it instead of directly addressing it is because addressing it will definitely put them down even if it's a subconscious feeling to them. It also has the potential to have him label you as a spoilsport.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Why?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's take a journey into the mind of someone who makes these comments. I wouldn't necessary call this person a sexist, but rather someone someone who is rationalizing their sexist behavior. This person views objectifying women in this way as normal human male behavior. This person does &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; share the same fundamental views as you and does not think the same way as you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you tell someone what they have internalized as normal is bad (&quot;Not cool.&quot;, &quot;You can't say that.&quot;, etc.), you're challenging their concept of normal and of themselves. You're challenging something that is core to them in some way. This type of person does not take kindly to being told some core aspect of themselves is &quot;bad&quot;. They get defensive, shut down, and stop listening. Think about how many times this has happened during a political, ethical, or religious discussion; it's the same concept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of being issued a direct challenge, this person needs to feel as if they are challenged by their own perceptions. They need to look at a situation and put the pieces together themselves to figure out what they did wrong. This person needs that moment of &quot;Oh crud, what did I do &lt;strong&gt;wrong&lt;/strong&gt;?&quot; that inevitably leads them to the thought &quot;Maybe commenting on the secretary isn't cool.&quot; They need to come to that conclusion themselves and won't accept someone else coming to that conclusion for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T15:48:31.567" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T15:48:31.567" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12189" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12192" CreationDate="2018-03-21T17:52:51.030" Score="10" ViewCount="587" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I was cutting myself, but my parents found out and want to send me to a ‘special’ school for a few weeks to learn other ways to deal with stress. I am worried about what to tell my friends because they would ask why I would be absent and they might judge me for cutting myself. What is a way to tell them so that they might not think any less of me for it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friends and I constantly make jokes about controversial topics including self-harm, and it doesn’t bother me at all, I think it is hilarious. Perhaps I could almost do it in a joking manner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have no idea about me harming myself because I was doing it in places usually covered by clothes. (upper arm.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15574" LastEditorUserId="15574" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T18:12:20.977" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T00:14:09.763" Title="How to tell friend I won’t go to school for weeks?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12190" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-21T17:57:46.170" Score="2" ViewCount="492" Body="&lt;p&gt;Common problem, about 5 months ago I moved into a new house with next door neighbors that have a loud barking dog (actually 2 dogs ones older though not as much of a problem). So here's the breakdown of my situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Neighbors:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Retired couple early 60's they still volunteer most weekdays so it's hard to tell their schedule.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Husband's nearly deaf so he's almost impossible to communicate w/ and doesn't mind or hear the noise most of the time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wife I believe is the one who's out of the house most of the day.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're actually very nice kind of, they're the kind of people who love talking about themselves. The first time I met them they took an hour telling me their entire family history and I said maybe one sentence about myself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The take away from this I think is it's hard to talk to them in person and they believe they are very kind and moral people, which I'm sure they are in the grand scheme of things.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Dogs:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One older and one younger (6ish I'd guess) Beagle. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Free to go in and out of the house from 9AM to 9PM (later on weekends) via a dog door.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Love to bark at anything (other dogs, kids, air, trees, nothing) and do so off and on all day with, I'm biased now but the loudest bark I've ever heard.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The key is this couple loves these dogs as much if not more then their own children. Their house is covered in Beagle decorations, they have a mailbox that says, &quot;I love my Beagle&quot;. This means they will not even entertain the idea that their dogs are misbehaving or need any kind of correction in any way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Things I've Tried:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After the first month. Wrote them a letter w/ a gift card thanking them for welcoming me into the area, then kind of off hand at the end mentioning the dog barking has been disruptive in case they didn't know I could hear it.&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They wrote back not mentioning the dogs possibly being annoying, just gave me the history of the two dogs and themselves but did give me their contact info. No noise change.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A few weeks later during a classic barking fit a Saturday afternoon I went over in person to ask if there was anything they could do.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They instantly dismissed my suggestions of professional training or a barking collar. I did tell them I have to wake up a 4AM so they agreed to bring the dogs in at 9AM... They used to let them go out until midnight even on weekdays. So they think they're heroes now that they gave me one request which makes it livable in my home but now I have more of an uphill battle.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Called animal control they said they'd go talk to them.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm not sure if they were even home when they arrived, I never heard anything after from them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After a frustrating Sunday of listening to barking they were still going at 9PM as I was trying to bed so, I sent them a rambling text offering training suggestions and even offering them money if they get it training.&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All I received from the long text was, &quot;Dog door is closed now.&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A few weeks later after the dog was still barking at 10PM  I sent a shorter text again saying I'd help in anyway I can to train the dog.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think they did bring the dog in but no response to that at all. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other Things:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Spoke to some of the other neighbors they said it makes them crazy to but not much they can do about it and have gotten used to it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The other next door neighbor has 3 giant dogs that are very well behaved but don't want to get involved as they have dogs themselves so are not about to get in a fight about dogs. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tried one of those ultrasonic devices to train dogs, did not help.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tried my HOA but they said nothing they could do it's on animal control. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Current Plan:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Write another letter this time with more concrete facts and suggestions. Including data on how often it is barking and video recordings of what it sounds like on my end (give them a link to a YouTube video). Also with exact suggestions offering to pay for if they agree (trainers around the area, model numbers of barking collars). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make polite but passive/aggressive signs to put in my back yard. This I think would just be hilarious maybe not effective. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Last resort I'll have to file an official complaint with the county, I'm fully aware now of all the animal rules in my city. This would mean we have to go to court (something I've never done and hope to never do) and make enemies of my next door neighbors for the rest of my time here. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry this is so long, basically I'm trying to brainstorm some other things I can try to help persuade someone to change when they can't see what they're doing as an issue. Ideally peacefully but hey it's a problem and there is a solution somewhere it's just a matter of finding the best one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11285" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T22:37:43.477" Title="Convincing Neighbors to Train Barking Dogs" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-03-22T01:25:59.817" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12191" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12122" CreationDate="2018-03-21T18:00:16.420" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I note in the hypothetical example, your sister is actively interrupting something someone else is saying. This may open up a slightly different approach to use; focus on the interruption, not the content.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to her directly (alone). Tell her you've noticed she frequently interrupts someone else in family conversations, and that you're concerned about this; family may be tolerant of it, but if it's something she does habitually, it could negatively affect her relationships in the rest of her life. Suggest that she try to be conscious of what other people are saying, and to let them complete their thought before she adds her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cutting down on the interruptions may not only reduce the frequency with which she blurts out these non-sequitors, but make it easier to try asking, &quot;Wow - how did you get &lt;em&gt;there&lt;/em&gt; from ?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does seem like your goal is to help your sister, not just get her to shut up in general. Make that clear to her - that you're concerned about her in general, based on what you see in your family interactions in particular.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4111" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T18:00:16.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12189" CreationDate="2018-03-21T18:10:07.453" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As long as you're personally going to take going to the school seriously and given your history of joking with your friends about controversial topics like this, I think using humor is a great idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, turns out I'm an emo kid. Been cutting myself. Parents are sending me off to the emo farm to learn how to live with the other emos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Please excuse my lack of creativity here; I'm not exactly a self harm joke master&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd follow up by clarifying any parts of your joke that might be exaggerations/fictitious without getting &quot;too serious&quot; with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I don't necessarily condone joking about serious matters like self harm in most situations. I particularly thought humor would work here given OP's relationship with his friends as it's a good way of softening the blow of finding out a friend has had troubles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T18:10:07.453" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-21T18:50:38.673" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Get out of that relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has no respect for you and that paradigm will not change. I speak from bitter experience. Your feelings matter; they are important. YOU matter. It's not acceptable to be spoken to like that. She hasn't heeded your calls for it to stop. You need to break out of that relationship my friend. You are being bullied. You will find someone else. The pain of the breakup will fade. For your own sake, end it now. Let her bully someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11728" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T18:50:38.673" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12149" CreationDate="2018-03-21T19:44:53.293" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even if you have the best intent in the world, using social strategies from theories could cause blowback, as people may be aware of what you're doing.  Think criticism sandwich.  People who know what this is (manipulation) don't fall for it.  Same is true for Social Penetration Theory.  We're always better off by gauging the relationship and the person and treating them as an individual, not a &quot;game&quot; or &quot;technique&quot; which both do.  Your OP came off that way, even though we all know you didn't intend it to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's take one of your points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One of the characteristics of self-disclosure is that it &quot;stimulates feedback&quot; which would help towards my goal of increasing the &quot;norm of reciprocity&quot; however it seemed to have the opposite effect in my scenario because self-disclosure breached a boundary in our relationship. I would say that there are lots of relationships like this; relationships where it is assumed that the people involved do not talk about their personal feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assume the person is unaware of what you're doing (if they are, this &quot;technique&quot; may fail).  Self-disclosure could be a sign of trouble because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It means you have loose lips.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may not be trustworthy if you're violating your own privacy by disclosing something you shouldn't.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe the person didn't want to know, which means you violated their space by telling them something they &lt;em&gt;didn't want&lt;/em&gt; to hear.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If two people are not close, maybe they're not close because one doesn't already trust the other.  It could be that this only confirmed a suspicion which made them distance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, theories sound nice.  But you will always run into people who don't fit that mold.  Learning to adapt &lt;em&gt;to the person&lt;/em&gt; is much better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11791" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T21:02:26.533" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T21:02:26.533" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12195" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-21T19:56:07.600" Score="3" ViewCount="451" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am on vacation in city X, and it starts raining heavily. I stop at a petrol kiosk, and a TV reporter is on camera reporting the extremely heavy rain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to record the TV reporter and send the video to my friends to show how heavy the rain is in city X. It may not be nice to stop the reporter and ask for permission, since she's likely on live TV. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be the most polite way to approach this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15696" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T13:29:02.480" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T16:43:47.507" Title="Is it ok to video a TV reporter without their consent?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12183" CreationDate="2018-03-21T20:30:21.053" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a friend in college who (for religious reasons) didn't swear and didn't like to be around people who were swearing. Her process when someone would swear around her was to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point out that she thinks their swearing is inappropriate or disrespectful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; she feels that way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them not to swear around her in the future&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the exception of one person (who just really wanted to be a thorn in her side), everyone that my friend used this approach on would agree not to swear around her. You can take a similar approach in regard to sexual comments. To use your example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworker: Have you met the new secretary? She has an amazing body doesn't she?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I don't really talk about women like that, because I think it's disrespectful to women to talk sexually about them in casual conversations. I would appreciate it if you didn't speak like that around me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I stopped swearing around my friend because she asked me to, I got into a habit of not swearing and I found that I ended up swearing less when I &lt;em&gt;wasn't&lt;/em&gt; around her as well. You won't necessarily be able to get your coworkers to stop objectifying women entirely, but this approach can help them begin to build the habit of not objectifying them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T20:30:21.053" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12183" CreationDate="2018-03-21T20:58:19.553" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is something that I've discussed with a lot of people who are the targets of such comments, and the consensus is that we would like our allies to reply with a &lt;strong&gt;short&lt;/strong&gt; disapproval. Not a long lecture; not an explanation (come on, the speaker knows why what they are saying is rude); not an alternate wording.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My preference is a simple&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not cool&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you might like &quot;really?&quot; or &quot;seriously?&quot; or &quot;don't bring me into that&quot; or whatever else feels right in your mouth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing to argue with. Nothing to escalate about. Nothing to move this into an argument between you and the speaker. Just express that you are not on board with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do I think you should do it with a stranger at the bus stop who is commenting about some other stranger, perhaps one who can't even hear the comment? Maybe not. But a coworker? Especially if the comment is about another coworker? 100%! &lt;strong&gt;Please do.&lt;/strong&gt; In the case of a coworker who is relatively new, (or someone at your user group or conference) you can also try &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.thagomizer.com/blog/2017/09/29/we-don-t-do-that-here.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;We don't do that here&lt;/a&gt;.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T16:48:38.537" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T16:48:38.537" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11987" CreationDate="2018-03-21T21:19:53.750" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like the tone of waxwatcher's answer but disagree with a couple of the specifics, hence my posting this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that this situation is pretty straightforward. You did some things which you regret, so you should apologize for those things. You would not apologize for things you don't regret. In cases where the line dividing the two is not so clear, you can clarify which things belong in which category. Ultimately the point of an apology is to express your remorse for the things you regret, not to use the apology itself as a tool to adjust others' behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you may want to apologize for the tone, phrasing, and focus of what you said and explicitly &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; apologize for anything else. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, I'm really sorry for the other day. Both the things I said and the way I said them. I don't think you're a [non-IPS-friendly-word], and I don't care how many people you're with. But I don't like the way you treat men. I think you use them and don't care about any consequences there might be for anyone but yourself. I'm sorry for the rest, but that's how I feel about how you approach relationships and I'm not sorry about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gets at what you've asked in the question. But it is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; a strategy for minimizing conflict, engaging with Alice, or anything else. If you are looking for that sort of thing you may have a hard time. People generally don't like accepting apologies along with personal criticisms in the shadow of an intense incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T21:19:53.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12200" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12209" CreationDate="2018-03-21T21:35:19.577" Score="3" ViewCount="1018" Body="&lt;p&gt;An acquaintance visits my city for 1-2 weeks every few months because her boyfriend lives here and wants all of three of us to meet up together. I'm fine with her, but do not like her boyfriend, because he behaves passive aggressively towards me (but she is oblivious to it). How do I decline her requests politely? I have met them a few times before. I don't want to give the generic &quot;I'm too busy right now&quot; because it seems too obvious, is there a better excuse? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify, I would like to avoid meeting her, to avoid this whole situation alltogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15698" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T07:30:34.847" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T07:30:34.847" Title="How do I avoid meeting an acquaintance that comes to visit every few months?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12190" CreationDate="2018-03-21T22:24:58.380" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Placing signs in your yard, although it may give you a giggle, it will be non-productive for a long-term solution.&#xA;Court is a last resort, once all other ideas have been exhausted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beagles have:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;very high level of excitability&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;love people&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;great personalities&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wary of strangers (warm to them very quickly)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;really smart&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;like routine&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;people pleaser&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;train quickly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;lots of energy&#xA;So if that energy is not focused correctly they become bored and noisy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exercise:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;take them for a walk once or twice a day speed walking, jogging, running &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;will significantly decrease the barking within two weeks will&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not go to the end of the block and back do a routine if&#xA;possible the dogs will train up easily.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neighbors:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you approach them make it casual as if it would be helpful to you.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not tell them that you want to walk the dogs so they will stop barking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You should request that you feel more (comfortable, will stick to your &#xA;routine, etc) if you had an animal to go on your run or walk and you like &#xA;their dogs was wondering if it would not be to presumptuous could you walk &#xA;them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15699" LastEditorUserId="15699" LastEditDate="2018-03-21T22:37:43.477" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T22:37:43.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12130" CreationDate="2018-03-21T22:48:57.843" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's something you feel strongly about, I suggest making it clear that your silence is not agreement, but deferring from making it an issue. You could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think it's more complicated than that. But we can probably find a more interesting topic for everyone to discuss over dinner. [change topic, e.g. asking him for an update about one of his hobbies or asking someone else an unrelated question.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You had good insight that other times you have made similar comments, they have not been well-received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Later I reflected on it, and thought about other times when I had interjected, and was usually met with an uncomfortable atmosphere (as if I was somehow being hostile), or even met with statements like &quot;Nobody asked for your opinion.&quot; I think people often misunderstand and assume I'm trying to make them look stupid or otherwise start an argument, when really all I want is to understand why they think the way they do, and present some arguments of my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not clear whether that misunderstanding is more about that group of in-laws, your general style, or the mixture of the two. Several times in groups of friends, I've gotten feedback that I'm being too intense about a particular discussion (about ideas), and since then I've tried to check in more regularly about how the conversation is being received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T22:48:57.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12182" CreationDate="2018-03-21T23:07:06.400" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're in a dysfunctional relationship. It is not a relationship that will blossom or become better.  She likes to control you by pulling you close when she wishes, then when she wishes she pushes you away. Intimacy is the least of the issues here. You really need to explore why you would let a person treat you like a yo-yo. There is no good intimacy when only one person is getting their needs meet. That person is her. You need to walk away completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15699" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T01:25:31.567" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T01:25:31.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12200" CreationDate="2018-03-21T23:14:44.853" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have multiple priorities here. Mostly, it sounds like you have a group of friends that held on from an earlier time, and your acquaintance is trying to reunite the group, but you don't really feel a desire anymore to socialize with the acquaintance and her boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To just distance yourself from her (and him), just respond that you won't have time this time, but you hope she's well. This should result in your goal of not spending time with them, and making it less likely that you are on her regular rotation of visits. If seeing her becomes rare (i.e. she stops inviting you), this is either a win for you or, if it's too rare, you can invite her for coffee when she's next around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bringing up that you don't enjoy spending time with the boyfriend would lead to more communication, which is the opposite of distancing yourself from her. To have more enjoyable group reunions, either meet with your acquaintance without the boyfriend or push back the next time the boyfriend is passive aggressive (e.g. &quot;Wow.&quot; or &quot;What was that about?&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In theory, you could involve mutual friends: &quot;I feel like boyfriend acts like a jerk to me sometimes. If he does, could you tell him to knock it off?&quot; or &quot;Boyfriend acts like a jerk sometimes, but I want to catch up with acquaintance. Could you help set up a hangout where we're likely to see acquaintance but not boyfriend?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T23:14:44.853" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12189" CreationDate="2018-03-21T23:25:35.637" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a time when i think you need to sit down and say , Hey I need to get serious here.  Tell them what has happened , how your dealing with it, where your going, and how much support you want from them.  For example, I have kept this from you guys.  I was worried what you all would think of me, but I am going to need others to help with this problem.   I am going to (name of p[lace) I really need to be there right now to get control of this, I will let you know when I am coming home.  I know I will need all of you guys support once I am back home and before I go.  Thanks for being here for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15699" LastActivityDate="2018-03-21T23:25:35.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12200" CreationDate="2018-03-22T00:02:23.993" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to let a relationship lapse, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10339/how-do-i-tell-someone-that-i-dont-want-to-be-friends/10340#10340&quot;&gt;my answer to a previous question&lt;/a&gt; may be valuable in creating distance and gracefully ending a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifically:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid giving justification or indicating you are interested in spending time with this person in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If/when this person contacts you via social media/texting/messaging channels, don't respond immediately, don't ask questions or extend/expand conversations (this applies to in person one on one conversations as well).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships between people, including friendships, require effort to maintain. Unless this person has a specific desire to develop a friendship with you and is extremely persistent about it, your lack of effort or response will discourage this person from putting effort in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &amp;quot;I am too busy&amp;quot; excuse is a polite social standard way to decline an invitation and there is nothing wrong with using it multiple times. If you are against giving the same response each time, you could word it differently each time though, cite upcoming deadlines, new responsibilities, recent colds, using little white lies or exaggeration to add some variety to your declination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you get these invitations to spend time with your acquaintance and her partner, wait to respond, a day or maybe more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is to gradually ramp up the amount of effort required to reach and interact with you until it is not worth the other's time. If you are still getting invites after declining with late messages, try not responding until the day of the meeting, after the meeting date, or not at all. Very few people care to repeatedly try talking to somebody who doesn't respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T00:02:23.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12210" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12189" CreationDate="2018-03-22T00:14:09.763" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could also be generic about it: &quot;I'm going to be away for a few weeks for a medical thing. You don't need the gory details, but my parents thought this would be a good time to address it. It's not cancer or anything, but addressing this should improve my quality of life.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mental health is part of overall health, so it is accurate to say it's medical. If you have some friends who are especially considerate or close to you, you could choose to tell them more one-on-one (using words like what Arthas and one suggest). You might give those friends instructions on how/whether you want them to tell the other friends about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By suggesting the phrase, &quot;It's not cancer or anything,&quot; I don't want to minimize what you're facing, but it might help keep the others from imagining that they need to visit you in your hospital bed before you die. You could honestly say, &quot;It's not life-threatening&quot; instead, if it's not linked to suicidal thoughts for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a friend in college who took a year off for mental health reasons. She made up a reason she wouldn't be there for a year, and it wasn't until we became better friends later that she told me the real reason. I wasn't offended or anything, especially because it was probably stressful to say goodbye to everyone and would've been overwhelming to have to share the details with everyone and teach them about mental illness and deal with their reactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, I'm so glad you thought to ask about this on SE. My parents would have been oblivious to the whole emotional aspect of leaving school and feeling embarrassed about it, and I wouldn't have known who else to ask for advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T00:14:09.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12211" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12225" CreationDate="2018-03-22T00:16:35.377" Score="6" ViewCount="1225" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt; My boyfriend's friend Bill always goes too fast when sparring with me at longsword. How can I tell him that he should slow down or I will refuse to spar him in future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a hobby, I do longsword fencing (it's all under the umbrella of HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts)). I've been doing this for  about a year and a half at this point, but I'm still not super confident. I have, however, accumulated enough gear that I am able to spar with people with proper protection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do this together with my boyfriend, who started doing this because of one of his best friends, let's call him Bill. Now, Bill used to do sport fencing and as such he's pretty confident. He's also been doing HEMA for a bit longer than I have and started sparring long before I got around to it. He and my boyfriend have also participated in some tournaments, at which the level of intensity can get pretty high and minor injuries such as bruises and very occasionally concussions can occur.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have not started going to tournaments yet, and I'm pretty nervous about doing so. I prefer to spar at a lower level of intensity focusing on technique, as I can't really keep up with faster sparring at the moment due to my reaction times and perhaps partially due to my level of fitness. So, when I spar with people I ask them to go slow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that Bill fights very aggressively, and tends to speed up even when you tell him to slow down. When he fights at a higher level of intensity, he can &quot;beat&quot; me easily just by being faster than I am. I find this frustrating, to such a level that one night when I sparred him I got angry, then nearly broke down in tears (although I kept this from him). He fought very aggressively that night, despite my boyfriend telling him to slow down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A note that should be made is that Bill displays this problem even when sparring with other people. We do something called &quot;slow sparring&quot;, which is done without full gear on and at half or a quarter of regular speed. When slow sparring Bill will start slow and then gradually speed up until he is told to slow down again. Rinse and repeat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could provide more examples, but hopefully that gets the point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Other Information&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our club, the emphasis is upon being comfortable. So if one person wants to be slower (be it in sparring, drills, etc.) and the other person faster, you go with the slower person's tempo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My Goal&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though I wish I could change his behaviour with other people too, for now I would like to focus on how I can help myself to deal with him. In particular, I would like to impress upon him how he needs to put more effort into slowing down when I ask him to, and &lt;em&gt;staying&lt;/em&gt; at that level of intensity. If he can't do that, I would like to respectfully decline to spar with him in future, at least until such a point as I can deal with his higher level of intensity. I would like to do this without hurting  his feelings, but in a firm manner such that he doesn't try to argue with me about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10508" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T16:27:02.983" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T16:27:02.983" Title="How to deal with someone who doesn't learn?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12211" CreationDate="2018-03-22T00:27:01.643" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If he asks you to spar: &quot;Hey Bill, you've been really high intensity when we've been sparring recently, so I think I'd prefer a different partner until I'm training up for a tournament.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have been communicating what you need, but it's not enough for him to change his behavior. Declining would show you're serious and (more importantly) take you out of a situation where you feel unsafe(?) / that is not the way you want to spar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's someone running it who's assigning you all to partners, you should ask them about it, specifically requesting not to be paired with Bill for a while because of this. It's not a hard request for them to fulfill, and they might be able to talk with Bill. (It would probably be their duty to make sure everyone acts safe and feels safe, but they may not see it that way.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T00:27:01.643" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12213" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12211" CreationDate="2018-03-22T01:53:32.740" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could go with, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bill, when I am sparring, I'm trying to develop consistency,&#xA;  awareness, and muscle memory, and thus  I really need you to slow down&#xA;  so that I can best develop my fencing skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then say,  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sparring at a more controlled pace ensures that I can develop good&#xA;  fencing habits, rather than resorting to bad techniques.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These statements highlight many of the benefits of sparring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you'll have to repeat this to him a few times, though.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as him &quot;not learning&quot;, this is going to be true of many athletes.  For instance, when I talk to my high school coach, who has worked with famous NBA basketball players, he never really talks about their height, speed or jumping ability - he always notes that they were the best listeners.  If you're friend Bill is not the best listener, perhaps accept this fact, and work on it with him by repeating things to him - and try to be a bit more patient.  If possible, stop sparring the moment you feel it's going too fast, remind him to slow down, and remind him what the purpose of sparring is for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T02:10:20.647" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T02:10:20.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11869" CreationDate="2018-03-22T03:39:40.267" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Each of the things you've mentioned are solid &quot;smoke signals&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My own opinion is to not ask this person for any more information, unless you want the &quot;alarm&quot; to go off the other way. That is, he is likely aware of your awareness that his circle of friends involve this girl, and yours do not. If you ask him anything about this, he will definitely tell them (which is a good thing if you're interested). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect he told you this &quot;rumour&quot; because one of her friends told her to be subtle about it to you. So if you ask him anything, eventually it will make its way back to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking for any form of elaboration should put you in a solid position if you want to take it further (imo, ofc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't be surprised if you're understating the frequency of her compliments (not your fault), and she was kind of annoyed, and this is how it's playing out (you're very lucky, to be honest).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15702" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T04:12:57.803" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T04:12:57.803" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12211" CreationDate="2018-03-22T03:46:19.490" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bill doesn't seem to be in a 'coaching' role - sounds like he is also sparring for enjoyment and fencing at a slower tempo may be going against his natural style. So I don't think it's easy for him to change. Even if he initially agrees to go at your speed, he would probably always revert to his own comfortable way of sparring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to talk to the person in charge and choose another person from the club who can match your tempo. You can be frank with Bill but make it about both of you rather than only about him. That is, you can say something like &quot;Hey Bill, I know asking you to slow down is not fair for you but I really can't handle this speed, I think we should find other partners to spar with. Once I become faster at this, we can give it a go&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T03:46:19.490" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12149" CreationDate="2018-03-22T04:12:47.923" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask for permission. It's truly that simple.  If you preface something you're going to say and the person's not in a state of mind to hear it, don't go there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say - Hey, I know we usually just talk about snowboarding pipes, but I'd kinda like to talk about what you thought about the way we grew up (or whatever it is).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you have a lot of answers, but they seem to miss the mark.  No matter who you're audience is, or what they are about, you should always look for their buy in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13699" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T04:12:47.923" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12182" CreationDate="2018-03-22T05:21:30.417" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am thinking that a good answer might be just let the subject go. If she wants to talk about it, she will let you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, sounds like your both attracted to each other, but that your relationship is in the realm of casual and not committed. When you have a relationship like this there are some things that you feel you shouldn't need to worry about. Like high expectations of one another and deep involvement in each other lives. You take it as it is and if you don't care for it, you leave some or all of it behind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the things that does not really fit well in a casual relationship is talking about the relationship. Conversations that start with something like &quot;Honey we need to talk&quot; rarely turn out well. Your not a couple and talking about terms is just not what casual relationships are about. They are casual and not committed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is going to give you what she is going to give you. If she does not want to talk about the intimacy, it means that she wants to keep it on her terms. If you force the issue with her, I think she will feel that you are invading her space. If she wants to talk about it at sometime, talk about it, but your best approach I suggest is no approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T05:21:30.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12200" CreationDate="2018-03-22T06:05:34.873" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you have enough moral authority here to just flat out decline any further meetups with the two of them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me try to explain by stepping into the boyfriends shoes, having been in this socially awkward position a few times when some GF wants me to meet up with a male buddy of hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am meeting some guy, whom I don't know, whom I may or may not like, that for some reason and at some level has an interest in my girlfriend and/or my girlfriend has an interest in him, that I do not understand at this point. I don't know him, I don't understand his inner motives, I have no reason to trust him. All these things more or less biologically driven make me at best uncomfortable about the whole situation. I will be defensive, a little alpha male might surface in the way of passive aggression. It is never going to be a fun light hearted night, whatever conversation I might engage you in will more likely then not be trying. I am there to spend time with my girl, not spend time with you, and I sort of resent you being there. I may not be hostile or jealous or any of those, I am just not doing what I want to be doing. And its your fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually it is more his girlfriends fault. She thinks you a good person and has no clue that her boyfriend won't share that sentiment with her. Just tell her the truth, that it is awkward between you and her boyfriend and decline the invitation. If you feel like it, maybe counter the invite with a meet up for lunch or coffee if she has some free time. From my experience it is almost futile to try explaining it to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T06:05:34.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12149" CreationDate="2018-03-22T08:38:09.643" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer to your question is that &lt;em&gt;you can't&lt;/em&gt; use the theory, in your situation.  In fact,  I think that your own social experiment &lt;strong&gt;exposes the limitations of Social Penetration Theory&lt;/strong&gt;.  Indeed, there is a heavy emphasis on the usage of self-disclosure, when in the general case you may not have such disclosure-reciprocity.  Moreover, the model for SPT is linear - it describes relational development in an incremental, continuous manner, using mutual self-disclosure as the main tool.  But in real life, relational development is &lt;em&gt;hardly ever&lt;/em&gt; incremental and linear over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I recommend that you try and study a revised model for SPT [1] .  Such a model should account for the fact that &lt;strong&gt;there is a push and pull effect of self-disclosure&lt;/strong&gt;.  That is, over time, as a relationship progresses, there could be moments of self-disclosure and moments when there is a need for privacy and withdrawal.  Using a revised model for SPT, try to validate it with your own experiments; if you have access to a university library, see whether there are published papers that test revised models for SPT - if there are such papers, see what their main results were.  Also see what unfinished aspects there are (if any).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[1] Altman, Vinsel, &amp;amp; Brown, 1981&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T09:09:41.133" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T09:09:41.133" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12224" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12149" CreationDate="2018-03-22T08:57:44.713" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think I can see one reason why your approach didn't work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It marked a significant change from your normal behavior towards that person&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyone is going to become skeptical if a friend's attitude suddenly and drastically changes. They might feel they're being played with, irrespective of your true intentions. This is liable to undo any positive effect your new approach might have had.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm not accusing you of trying to manipulate your friend. I'm also not saying you shouldn't use an academic theory to try and improve yourself and your interaction with others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the point of the matter here is that in this case, your intentions don't matter, the perception of your friend does. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can say this from a long and painful history of experience, if you're trying to better your social interaction, it's very easy and possible to come across as manipulative. You don't have to be, you just &lt;strong&gt;appear&lt;/strong&gt; to be, which already elicits a often times strong negative reaction (Just look at the comments and other answers to this question!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my recommendation to you is to more gradually introduce these changes in your interactions with your friend. Make it feel natural, take the time, and above all don't police yourself around them. You need to be yourself or the other person is likely to catch on, and if that happens, irrespective of your intention, the reaction is likely going to be negative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T08:57:44.713" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12211" CreationDate="2018-03-22T13:24:07.220" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have some limited experience with fencing with medieval weapons and a lot of experience with LARP-Style foam/fiberglass weapons. Even did some teaching there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have experienced there leads me to believe that Bill usually &lt;em&gt;zones in&lt;/em&gt; into such a spar so he is not rationally aware of his aggressiveness, but is in a kind of flow state. Keeping in control requires one to stay out of the zone, which may take away some of his fun and also may not be entirely in his control. As per your comments it seems that he is not aware this is a general problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the first thing is to make him aware that this is currently incompatible with the way you´d like to practice your hobby. This is without blame just matter-of-fact to lay the ground where to go from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend to have such a talk not while you are in a spar, but after training. If you makee room that his style of sparring is as valid as yours and it is just a matter of personal taste, you should be able to have a constructive conversation on how to make both of you happy. That may entail that Bill needs to find other sparring partners, or that you need to work on his control, but either is valid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T13:48:37.093" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T13:48:37.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12226" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-22T13:43:35.627" Score="3" ViewCount="713" Body="&lt;p&gt;About myself: I am a PhD students currently in fifth year of the program. I have a lot of work to finish within a few months to wrap up my work and submit my thesis before the start of the sixth year(otherwise have to go through a grilling and laborious process to get an extension ) which I am not interested in.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The university I am working in have masters program also. The students often come to some of the PhD students(happy to be one of them) for help (which I am not obliged to do officially) without putting any effort to solve the problem. How can I tell that I am too busy to help them in a cool way to keep them away till I submit my thesis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; I often tell them about my work load and its challenge. Even sometimes I ask them to meet me later because I am meeting some deadline to finish my work, but they still want my help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15718" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T17:07:56.300" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T14:40:02.887" Title="As a PhD student, how can I politely tell Masters students that I don't have time to help them" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;helping&gt;&lt;students&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12227" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12232" CreationDate="2018-03-22T13:46:57.930" Score="5" ViewCount="3295" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a 24 year old living with my parents. I'll soon be 25. I study at a local university/college. Lately (the past few years) &lt;a href=&quot;https://academia.stackexchange.com/questions/106850/my-university-changed-my-bachelor-course-what-can-i-do&quot;&gt;it has not been going well&lt;/a&gt;. I am considering dropping out, maybe two semesters away from graduation. But maybe two years. I don't know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have my reasons for dropping out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have a job already. They don't care wheter I have a degree or not. In fact, they wouldn't have to spend any extra time/money on me doing assignments at work, so it's a win for them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I wouldn't have to do my graduation internship, which means I can get a permanent contract, instead of this temporary one and buy or rent a house and finally move out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would be able to recover from this feeling of depression easier.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My own reasons for not dropping out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not having a degree can potentially limit my career, but frankly, I just want to leave this horrible situation. I'll sort my career out later. I can always start an online degree later, anyway. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'll have to pay back my student loans to the government that would be a gift if I finished. This amount is about half a year salary. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems easy, 'just tell them your reasons'. If it was that easy, I would do it. My parents do not understand how much effort it is to continue studying at the moment. They do not see how it makes me sick in my stomach. All they see is the first woman in our family who got to go to university throwing it all away. They have allowed me to live with them all through uni. In fact, they're allowing my boyfriend to stay with us too. I understand they would not be happy. I think they would even be a bit disappointed at first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The solution I am looking for&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to convince my parents that dropping out is the best possible course for now. I would like for them to understand and accept my reasoning. I have enough reasons, but I don't think they will listen if I say something among the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, mom, dad, just letting you know, I'm dropping out&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make them listen to my reasoning, without them immediately getting angry/getting frustrated/some other thing that disrupts the conversation as soon as they hear I want to drop out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think some conversation guideline, either leading up to my arguments or using my arguments, would help a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are aware of my troubles in college, but not of the extend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They (mainly my mom) believes depression exists, but only happens to 'other people'. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have scheduled an appointment to get help with feeling depressed. Perhaps a doctor can help my mother understand to what extend this affects me. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think they will understand eventually. There will a few phases they go through, understandably. Not understanding &gt; frustration &gt; disappointment &gt; understanding &gt; accepting, is what I think. My goal is for them to move through negative phases as fast as possible. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="12101" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T13:53:26.683" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T14:45:04.230" Title="How can I tell my parents I want to drop out of college?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12227" CreationDate="2018-03-22T13:53:17.740" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best way for them to understand that you really need to drop for you own good and happiness is see it for themselves. If you have a long talk it may feel like you're just trying to avoid responsibility/laziness due to recent bad grades or whatever. I think they must really feel what you're going through, I think having some conversations of your emotional state without bringing the college topic might help a lot first to make them aware of how do you feel, and when they do you might bring it on and they will be able to understand better, be more comprehensive and emphatic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they see that your happiness is on the line I have no doubt that they will support your decisions in the end. Loving parents always do, but sometimes we're too scared of what their reaction might be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6215" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T13:53:17.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12226" CreationDate="2018-03-22T13:57:45.800" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't have time to help somebody who believes that he or she needs your help, and you do want to help them, consider this approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Wow you're right, this &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; a difficult thing to understand.  Why don't you do practice problems 1 through 10 and check your work against the answers in the back?  Let me know how it goes!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a person insists on your explanation for something, doesn't seem to want to do the work, or just wants to talk about it with you, I suggest giving them a lead to another resource:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Did you know that the prof is required by the University to hold 10 office hours a week just to help students with these kinds of questions?  Also, www.biopharma100.com/history has a really good explanation of this.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you have given them what they need to get the answer themselves.  You aren't saying &quot;No, I won't&quot;, you're saying, &quot;Yes, and here's how.  Good luck!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I often tell them about my work load and its challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't do this!  You are falsely admitting that you should do more for them--- if this were a negotiation, this would be where you lose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since these folks haven't done anything at all to solve the problem themselves (as you said), in order to learn what they need to hear is &quot;No, try harder.  You'll get it!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T17:12:52.000" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T17:12:52.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12230" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11339" CreationDate="2018-03-22T14:06:27.013" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I recover from this in my workplace?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For recovery, what &lt;strong&gt;specifically&lt;/strong&gt; led to this allegation, which means that you'll have to speak to the person privately about what comment the person took to be racist.  That addresses the person one-on-one and if the person is reasonable, they can reply and give you an exact example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you interact with others?  You say that you mostly work with &lt;em&gt;Asians&lt;/em&gt;, so do you interact with them in a way in which the person's accusations against you would seem believable?  Why this matters is that if someone makes an accusation against you, but others don't see this pattern, you don't need to do anything to defense yourself.  People will see you as reasonable and fair.  Getting defensive could make things worse, if you try something publicly.  Try to resolve it in private and if the rumor continues be kind to all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would it be helpful to say something to coworkers that I've never talked to and that I don't have a relationship, who may have only heard his side of the story?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even with good intents, this still comes off as defensive.  Also, if you've given no one else a reason to believe you're a racist, they probably don't see the same pattern the other person does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if it's that bad, evaluate why you want to stay so much and how this could possibly impact positive growth in your career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11791" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T14:06:27.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12231" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12183" CreationDate="2018-03-22T14:11:25.117" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's say Steve tells you at work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Have you met the new secretary? She has an amazing body doesn't she?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answer: (laugh) &lt;strong&gt;&quot;That's not very professional, Steve.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Rationale:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other proposed answers, like &quot;Not cool&quot; and its variants all mean you're judging Steve &lt;strong&gt;according to your own personal moral and cultural standards&lt;/strong&gt;, and you're attempting to shame him relative to &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; standards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Steve has different standards than yours (LOGIC: if he had the same standards, he wouldn't have commented out loud on the secretary's assets). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, the shaming tactic will not work. If you want to shame someone, you have to use something that &lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; find shameful, not something that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; find shameful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Steve will instead come to the conclusion that you're a killjoy and a spoilsport, ignore your judgement, and probably act hostile in the future. Enjoy the toxic work environment you just created!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, &quot;That's not very professional&quot; shames Steve using the &lt;strong&gt;standards of professionalism&lt;/strong&gt; (not your personal standards)... and Steve will have a very hard time trying to justify that commenting on the new secretary's rear is, in fact, professional... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, telling it like a joke makes it a lot easier to swallow and less aggressive, but the most important thing is that you're not judging Steve directly, rather what you are doing is like calling a neutral third party (like the referee): pointing out that his behavior is not appropriate &lt;strong&gt;according to the generally accepted rules&lt;/strong&gt; of the game in a professional setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I put a laugh in front, try not to sound like you agree with him, rather you find him a bit ridiculous (let's be honest, he would be a bit ridiculous to make such a comment on the job). But don't go too hard on him... don't want to scare him off!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another good line would be to appoint the secretary as the referee:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(chuckle) &quot;Sure! I wonder what she'd think if she'd heard that though...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one has an added feature: there is no way to know what she'd think, so Steve has no counter-argument. But please don't make it sound like you're 100% agreeing and egging him on to make these comments to her face! Maybe you want to change the phrasing a little bit...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-05T07:24:47.727" LastActivityDate="2019-01-05T07:24:47.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12227" CreationDate="2018-03-22T14:45:04.230" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in your position, albeit in a lesser form. I went to a 'Hogeschool' as well for IT and my course was changed as well. Due to ECTS being reassigned to courses per year, I was forced to take a year longer, and that was pretty hard to explain to my parents. My first reaction was to tell you to keep going, but I have read your other post and it seems you are really suffering under this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest having a talk with your parents. A real talk, one where you get them around the table, your siblings away and no other forms of nuisance (tv, radio, whatever, ...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was also the first of my family to attend higher studies, and an important thing to remember is that even though your parents are very proud of you and want to support you with this, is that they have no clue whatsoever how tough it can be. To them, it might seem as 'just' going to school. Especially if they are hard working class people. My parents were like that and they had a very hard time trying to feel with me during exam periods because to them it is simply a matter of 'Sit down and study, easy right?'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain to them first that your first year went very well but that everything is going very bad since the reformation of the course. That the course has changed structurally to something that just does not work and that other students are suffering due to this as well. Explain to them as well all the things you and your peers have done and tried (meeting with the school et cetera) and the things you considered but won't (sueing and what not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then explain to them how all of this makes you feel. It might be hard to open up like this to them, especially if they have that stance on depression. Mine have that stance too, but once they realise it is real they will get more understanding. Just tell them very honestly how all of this makes you feel and to what extent it has an ill effect on you, your health and your mental health. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going to assume your parents are like mine, and that they know very little about technology and the field. My parents know I work in IT but no matter how I tried, they have no clue of what I actually do aside of that it has something to do with computers. Explain to them that a degree is not everything, especially so in the IT field. You will meet lots and lots of people in your professional life later on that are self-taught or never attended official education related to the field. Having a degree in IT is a bonus and will put your career in second gear, but it is not needed. What is needed is skills, a mindset and a certain way of treating issues and logical thinking. You have this, and you have a job lined up. That is just as good, if not better, of a start to your IT career as a bachelor degree. (I assume Bachelor since you attend Hogeschool, that is how it works in Belgium where I live)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might think that not getting your degree will set you back, as many people these days believe (which is true to an extent) that having a degree is necessary. Explain to them why the tech, especially the IT, field is different to this regard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then tell them that you have decided that you will stop attending college and that you will focus on your professional career instead. Don't ask to do that, tell them you will be doing that, that your mind is made up, and that you hope they can accept your choice and are willing to help you and support you with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some additional, personal advice. Don't worry about your age and your juniority. I graduated 2 years 'late' from my bachelor and nobody has cared ever since. (I did one year extra in college and one in high school).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work in consultancy now so I go to a lot of interviews since I go from client to client. I am guided in this by my boss, and I can say that in most interviews and environments neither management nor my peers cared for my degree. The only times they asked for it is to see if we went to the same college by any chance and to talk about ex-teachers and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing they do care about is skills, experience and mindset. And I believe you have those things covered. This might be harder to explain to your parents as I feel it is something that is not true for every field. But I have noticed that in IT you can divide people up roughly in three categories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Highly motivated people that live for IT&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Motivated people that like IT and working in the field&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who have no bussines doing IT but ended up here somehow because the demand far exceeds the supply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good part about his is that as long as you have the drive, the motivation and the right mindset, you are set. Especially in our region (Benelux), but also everywhere in the world. My parents never really understood or believed this until I actually went job hunting and had several offers on the table within a week time. If you know how to explain this aspect to them, I am sure they will soften up more as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe most of their reluctance has to do with wanting the best for you and worrying you are making a bad choice. They feel more responsible for your choice as well as they feel uncertain how to assist you with this, as for them too, this is all new area. My dad told me this, after I graduated, that he was glad I managed to wiggle my way through, as neither he or my mom had any clue on how to help me. This might play a big role in them urging you on to keep trying, as your failure will feel as they failed to help you with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T14:45:04.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12233" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12235" CreationDate="2018-03-22T15:04:50.590" Score="4" ViewCount="1163" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll start off with some context: I'm 19, and I've had problems keeping friendships for as long as I can remember. I have no problems making new friends (but it's a bit hard for me to relate to people). But right now I'm in a social situation where a lot of the interaction takes place on text or social media. My friends text each other for hours whereas I can't continue conversations on text for more than 10 minutes. I can't even keep in touch with really good friends who I don't see everyday. I don't want to lose their friendship due to lack of contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in college right now and I can't make new friends with people who I'm not in the same class with because those kinds of relationships mainly develop over texting. So how can I get better at texting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 1: A bit more explanation: I keep seeing my friends text each other all the time but I've never understood what they talk about for so long. I know for sure that it's small talk. But how they manage that for hours is difficult for me to understand. Something specific I'd like to know is this: How do I turn small talk into a meaningful conversation without being too forceful? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user15719" LastEditorDisplayName="user15719" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T15:43:59.527" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T06:37:25.777" Title="How do I connect with people over texting?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;texting&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12195" CreationDate="2018-03-22T15:30:41.257" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is an interesting situation.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ask :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What would be the most polite way to approach this situation? [and get your recording].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a primary principle here &lt;strong&gt;Respect the other person and give them control over their image, and voice.&lt;/strong&gt;  Their Image and Voice are after all a part of who they are, their self.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your specific situation I would say  that if you are going to record her you need to do the following in order to still have a chance of being polite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) don't interrupt until they are done working (filming here news piece). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) As soon as they are done (or take a break) ask her permission before sending off your video to friends.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personally&lt;/strong&gt; I don't think you should film other people with out their permission unless you are trying to protect yourself or another victim from a crime or corruption.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my oldest daughter was 2 years old,  my wife and I had taken her to a park.  While there a man, who was already taking photographs with a friend, appeared to start taking pictures of my daughter.  My wife was furious, and I was bit uncomfortable about it as well.  We didn't know why he was taking pictures of her, I would like to assume the best of intentions for him,  but as a parent in today's culture you become a little paranoid.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also been in situations were some one was holding up their phone as if they were recording me.  I didn't like that either.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically what I'm saying is, unless it is a friend of family member who you are close to and know won't mind or if you feel the need to record evidence of a crime or of corruption, you should probably ask the persons permission first.   It's just polite.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T15:38:42.530" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T15:38:42.530" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12235" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12233" CreationDate="2018-03-22T15:33:17.867" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you must understand the fact that text communication is very inefficient and everyone who uses it tends to exaggerate their emotions, feelings over their redaction. Also, they must make their ideas VERY clear in order to get their feelings and thoughts understood. So, text communication can be very energy consuming and it's normal for you to feel like you can't make a decent conversation, since probably you don't feel like you must tell everyone what you're thinking all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also understandable if you want to join your friends, as we live in a world where these means of communication are broadly distributed and used by everyone. But remember, you are not forced to use them. If they aren't open to making some time to see you, they are probably not really interested in you; whereas if they make an effort to see you, you could put in some effort to text them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wanna be pro in the use of modern text/chat means, and you find it very important to keep track of the conversation, you must use a lot of emojis and keep talking about random topics. That's all. If you run out of ideas ask them about their day, ask if they've seen the latest movies, if they've seen the most recent Oscar awards, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to practice your chat-master skills, you're welcomed to practice every day with me so you can get used to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In conclusion, be aware that texting lacks a lot of the normal social interaction elements, so you must make use of the text messaging tools to get your ideas clear. And don't get stressed, just talk about a lot of random topics until you feel comfortable talking with others through texting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11218" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T18:04:27.343" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T18:04:27.343" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12236" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12115" CreationDate="2018-03-22T15:38:20.683" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;More context could help. From one point of view, the purpose of beliefs in to predict future events. What events does &quot;These are different colors&quot; predict versus &quot;These are the same color&quot;? Possibilities would be &quot;Other people will claim they are different colors&quot;, &quot;Other people will be able to tell the difference between two objects of these colors&quot;, &quot;Other people will have different reactions depending on which of these colors are used&quot;. One thing to notice is that these all have &quot;other people&quot; in common. Color is a qualia, and you were implicitly asserting &quot;These two colors generally generate different qualia&quot;. This is not a matter that can be settled in a discussion between you and the client, at least not if the client doesn't trust you, and suspects that you are playing some sort of prank.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when talking with the client, the key points would be: 1. These colors generate the same qualia for you (the client). 2. These colors generate different qualia for me. 3. I acknowledge your experience of the colors generating the same qualia, and ask that you show me the same respect of accepting that they generate different qualia for me. 4. If you are having trouble doing so, you should consult people you trust. (Although if you have two objects that the client insists are exactly the same, then you could just turn your back and have the client rearrange them, and then show that you can distinguish them. This could be overly confrontational, though.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is then the issue of &lt;em&gt;why it matters&lt;/em&gt;. If you're designing a user interface, and the client says &quot;These two colors are the same&quot;, and you reply &quot;Only a colorblind person wouldn't be able to tell the difference&quot;, well ... do you not want your interface to be accessible to colorblind people? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, suppose you've tested out Color1, and found that customers find a store painted in Color1 to be pleasing, and the client wants to paint the store Color2, and insists that it's the same as Color1 and therefore customers will find it pleasing. Now the issue is whether Color1 and Color2 have the same effect as to customer satisfaction. So the focus should not be on whether you or the client perceive them as different colors, but whether customers do. Instead of focusing on &quot;I think you're colorblind&quot;, you should focus on &quot;I think that customers will make color distinctions that you do not&quot;. Now of course the issue of whether the are the same color is going to be relevant to that question (if they are literally the exact same color, then customers can't possibly have different reactions to them), so if your client is insisting that they are completely indistinguishable, then you'll have to address that, but your main focus shouldn't be on whether it's &quot;objectively true&quot; that they are different colors, but whether customers perceive them as such. So a possible response would be something along the lines as &quot;I don't think we're going to get any closer to a resolution simply by discussing this further. How about we find some customers and see what they think?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you should ask yourself &quot;What are the practical implications of this disagreement?&quot; and focus on addressing those, rather than fighting over labels like &quot;colorblind&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T15:38:20.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11339" CreationDate="2018-03-22T15:39:12.337" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hate to use tired old expressions in answering questions - it seems lazy, like I'm just spouting platitudes. But this question involves a degree of anticipating what other people might think, and rightly or wrongly a lot of people subscribe to the sayings I'm going to list:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;There's no smoke without fire&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; If they've heard a rumour that you said something racist, and you go about deliberately bringing up the subject of racism, it will only support their wrong idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;The lady doth protest too much, methinks&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; Any excuse to quote Shakespeare! But seriously, a lot of people subscribe to the idea that the more you protest your innocence, the more guilty you are. This is massively unfair on innocent people, but you're dealing with the mob here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Actions speak louder than words&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; At least this one is positive, and of the three possibly the only completely true saying. You can't simply &lt;em&gt;tell&lt;/em&gt; someone you aren't racist. Sure you can tell them your side of a story, and you may even convince some, most likely those people who know you well - but that's because they have a &lt;em&gt;history&lt;/em&gt; of your &quot;actions&quot; to look back on. People do tend to side with the party they know best, at least in situations based on hearsay like this one. But you won't likely convince anybody you don't know that well simply by telling them - this is more likely to play into the hands of the &lt;em&gt;no smoke without fire&lt;/em&gt; brigade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So as painful as it may be, and as much as it may play on your mind what other people are thinking, I honestly believe the best course of action is to &lt;strong&gt;say nothing further&lt;/strong&gt; beyond what you have already said. You have told the coworkers whom you know well and you believe that you had a mainly positive response - so leave it there. Some of those may well do good work behind your back - putting other people straight on the matter - and that will likely be more widely believed than coming straight from you. Other than that, keep silent, go about your normal business, and through situations that arise naturally you will over time have opportunities to demonstrate your good character to others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe very strongly, based on experience, that situations like this do eventually resolve themselves. Someone that would spread a false story about you will eventually do it to someone else, and when that happens those affected will remember your situation. Also, people who have a chip on their shoulder about racism constantly raise race issues and turn every issue they can into one about race - again, over time people see through this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there is your stated goal of &lt;em&gt;&quot;I don't want them to have the impression I'm trying to keep this going, I'd like to move past this as quickly as possible.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; Moving on is something you will have to do, internally. Once you trust that your closest colleagues know the truth, and that instantly undoing any damage your accuser may have done cannot be achieved with words, you must put the matter to one side. If you really believe that you can move on from it and do so then this will show in your actions and behaviour and others will know that you are not keeping it alive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sincerely hope that you regain your inner peace, and don't let your contentious coworker rob you of that peace. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T16:17:19.757" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T16:17:19.757" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11630" CreationDate="2018-03-22T15:42:23.327" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Confront them, some time the only way out is to give the first step and fight for what you love, leave them clear that you don't want them to tell your girl lies and show them that you don't fear them, i know this is not the prefered scenarios, but there are situations where there is no other way out, just avoid fighting and arguing, let them hear you and go, be clear, precise and stay very confident, you can't be reasonable with this kind of unrespectful,  manipulative and toxic people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11218" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T15:42:23.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12242" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-22T16:47:57.633" Score="8" ViewCount="1861" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been living in this house for the last four months and always paid my rent on the first day of the month. My landlord is an old lady living in the same house with me. We have a very good relationship and always talk during the breakfast/dinner time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every month she keeps reminding me that tomorrow is the rent day, which really bothers me as I always paid on time for the last four month. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another payment is coming next week. How would I say to her not to remind me if this time she tells me the same thing? I know it's not a big deal, but it really irritates me when she brings up this thing in front of someone else (not every time). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15723" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-16T16:40:42.173" LastActivityDate="2018-12-16T16:40:42.173" Title="How to politely tell landlord &quot;you don't have to remind me for rent&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12243" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-22T16:49:24.280" Score="8" ViewCount="1370" Body="&lt;p&gt;My GF and I split the cost of our rent with the promise that she pays less and does the household instead. She only works 80%, I do 100%, thus we decided that I pay 60% and she 40% of the rent and she does the household instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This didn't work for many years and I am at my limit. Whenever possible I try to help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It began with her being overly eager. Like cleaning the toilet every 2 days and so on. My mistake was telling her that I just want to live in the house, it doesn't needs to be perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It got worse over time and I'm doing more and more. This would be fine if I see that she tries to get stuff done too. But whenever I see her she's either reading/playing mobile games or exaggerating with cleaning useless stuff (great, you put chlorine in the bath for the 3rd time this week. We still have mud in the house and ants eating away our food).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On her free days she's either with her friends or playing her mobile games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking with her doesn't help since she says she's too busy (which is partially true) and she gets really angry. Trying to point out about our agreement of splitting the costs in exchange for home maintenance gets her angry and she points out that I only care about money (which I do more than her. I'm from an average family and never got anything from my parents except beatings, she's from a poor family that threw away their money for fun. And that is why it was/is a poor family).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get it into her head that I'm not willing to accept this situation any longer? The house looks horrible and I can not and will not waste my time and money for her to have fun at my expense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've added the &quot;mental health&quot; tag since she had a burn-out a few years ago and the situation basically worsened from that time on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15726" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T17:37:44.750" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T22:09:06.197" Title="Very moody gf not helping in household" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12242" CreationDate="2018-03-22T17:18:43.510" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;As she is obviously not doing this to embarrass you or nag you in any way, I think she's probably doing this as a &quot;friendly reminder&quot;, and as such, sees it as a favor she does you. The best course of action would be to let it slip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However if it really bothers you, I recommand being extremely careful on how you word this. She'd be surprised by an out-of-the-blue outburst, and your relationship would deteriorate. As I said, she's probably thinking of this as a favor to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the reminder. However, I know it'll sound stupid, but I can't help to take it personally when you say that. Could I ask as a favor not to be reminded of the due payment date? I promise you'll get the rent the first of each and every month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware though that if she's been doing that with everyone for a number of years, she'll probably forget and remind you again the next month. But if the first talk goes well enough, the next ones will be much easier to go through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah! No reminders please!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She should get the hang of it after a few times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12313" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T17:18:43.510" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11869" CreationDate="2018-03-22T17:23:46.783" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;The best path is to pretend in every way that you never heard the rumor.  It doesn't help you and it doesn't help her.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;strong&gt;ask around&lt;/strong&gt;, the person who passed the rumor to you will have new rumors to pass around to others.  People may even report rumors back to her, and she will end up tomorrow exactly where you are today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;strong&gt;ask her&lt;/strong&gt;, she'll be desperately trying to figure out what you feel.  If you're not clear, that's frustrating for her... definitely not what somebody who cares for her would do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's much more important is your own feeling.  If you express your interest to her, but the rumor had been false, you still might &lt;strong&gt;win her anyway&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you express your interest to her, and the rumor was true, that still &lt;strong&gt;doesn't guarantee anything.&lt;/strong&gt;  Perhaps she changed her mind.  Perhaps someone else came before you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are interested in her, and you want to pursue the relationship, start talking to her!  You will be vulnerable when you do this. Do you think she's basically a kind person who wouldn't make fun of you if the answer is &quot;No&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't find out the truth without either being vulnerable about your feelings or making her vulnerable about her feelings.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are worried that it will &lt;strong&gt;wreck your platonic friendship&lt;/strong&gt; to approach her, ask... but &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;keep it a secret&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.  That way, if she says &quot;No&quot; there won't be any plump new rumors for the others to spread around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T13:54:40.830" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T13:54:40.830" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12243" CreationDate="2018-03-22T17:29:00.740" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry that's really hard to go through.  I'm glad you're taking steps to try and fix it rather then let it fester and make you bitter and resentful.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I usually start this type of answer with a disclaimer, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you can't change people,  all you can do is ask them to change themselves.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;  However you can get strategic about how you ask them to change.  The best strategy is one that is good for you and good for them.  Most of this comes from Clinical Psychologist Jordan Peterson. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1)  Don't attack or accuse your GF.&lt;/strong&gt;  If you are anything like me you'll instinctively want to &quot;go for the jugular&quot;  by saying something like &quot;you never help clean xyz any more.&quot;   That leading &quot;you never&quot; is an accusation that implies she is a terrible person.  Avoid it at all costs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) Ask for a specific change in behavior.  Only ask for one thing right now.&lt;/strong&gt; This should be the most fundamental thing you can find.  For example don't ask her to start cleaning the house.  That's too much.  Ask instead that she cleans the toilet once a week. Or does laundry once a week, or the Dishes every day after dinner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sweetheart, could you please make sure the dishes are clean every day after&#xA;  dinner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3) Be prepared she will probably get angry at you&lt;/strong&gt; for daring to ask her to improve herself when you yourself have so many flaws, and be prepared she will point those flaws out in an attempt excuse her behavior and guilt you into rescinding your request.  &lt;strong&gt;OR she may cry&lt;/strong&gt; because &quot;you think she is lazy&quot;. honestly most people usually try both. Gently but firmly stand your ground.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good replay to anger or tears may be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sweetheart,  It's ok, I love you and I think you're a great person.  I&#xA;  just feel more comfortable in a clean home and our agreement was you&#xA;  would do a larger share of the work.  I'm not mad.  I'm just making a&#xA;  simple request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4) When she finally does as you have asked,  even if she does it poorly and or grudgingly, thank her and praise her.&lt;/strong&gt;  Everyone thrives on attention.  If you give her positive attention when she does something right multiple times you will be reinforcing that behavior and assuming that she loves you she will want to keep hearing your gratitude for her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5) Repeat the steps above with a new behavior.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love when people use these steps to get me to change my behavior as well.  It works so well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now your GF is a person with free will.  Meaning she may choose not to respond positively or not at all to the method above, If she refuses to change for you at all, well,  you may need to sit down and tell her bluntly that &lt;strong&gt;you can't handle her behavior any more, and that if she doesn't start making some effort it is going to ruin your relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;  Don't make this an ultimatum, but rather a simple statement of fact.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="1826" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T19:06:41.287" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T19:06:41.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11869" CreationDate="2018-03-22T17:53:50.890" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The best way to see if a rumor (or anything for that matter) is true is to test it.&lt;/strong&gt;  You have a couple of options here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A) If you're feeling brazen ask out right.  Call the girl up, and after the initial pleasantries tell her directly that you heard a rumor that she likes you and ask if the rumor is true. Depending on her personality this may or may not work so well.  Some people are not comfortable with that level of openness right up front.  They need time to gain your trust.  which is why I prefer option B.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B) You say your interested in her so I assume you would  like to explore starting a relationship with her,  Then you could start calling her just to chit chat, or chat online, or text.  After a few days invite her to a party or to go get coffee.  If that goes well you can start inviting her on bigger dates or to just come over and hang out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she keeps saying yes than the rumor is true.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-22T20:18:05.227" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T20:18:05.227" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12242" CreationDate="2018-03-22T20:23:12.613" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Every month she keeps reminding me that tomorrow is the rent day, which really bothers me as I always paid on time for the last four month. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Old people tend to repeat things and follow established patterns. If she's been reminding every tenant for the last 20 years, she isn't going to stop now... You can try this though:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I setup a reminder in my phone agenda, don't worry.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can setup an automated bank transfer, and tell her about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will help her stop worrying about you forgetting to pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T20:23:12.613" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12243" CreationDate="2018-03-22T22:09:06.197" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like one of two things might be going on here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You two have different expectations about the amount of work needed to offset the rent difference.  Maybe she thinks that to go from 50-50 to 60-40 calls for a smaller amount of work than you do.  Or maybe one or both of you underestimated the effort required.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You two have different standards about the quality of the work.  (I see some of that in your question.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you have a disagreement that is starting to fester, in a relationship that you presumably both want to maintain.  You could keep asking her to do more of the work, but I suggest attacking the underlying cause instead: &lt;strong&gt;Ask her if the two of you should alter the agreement.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in the &quot;different standards of cleanliness&quot; situation before, and we solved it by redistributing the chores so that we each did the things we felt most strongly about, using the &quot;eh, whoever&quot; chores to load-balance.  It's also worth checking in from time to time -- are you both still happy with the distribution?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that, now that you've lived together for a while and both seen what it's like to live with each other, your girlfriend might prefer to pay equal rent and have you do some of the chores.  Or maybe the chores are fine but they take longer than she thought and she wants more of a rent reduction.  Or maybe it's something else.  Whatever it is, if you approach it with the idea that everything is open to renegotiation, you should be able to find out what the core issues are and work together to solve them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-03-22T22:09:06.197" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12253" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12149" CreationDate="2018-03-22T23:52:04.033" Score="-1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I use Social Penetration Theory to increase the closeness of&#xA;  my relationship with someone who &lt;strong&gt;has already categorised&lt;/strong&gt; our&#xA;  relationship as one where self-disclosure is not normal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't&lt;/strong&gt; (at least, nor right now). You grow your circle of friends instead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With some, you'll be able to share a lot. With others, you won't be able to share that much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is especially true if you're trying out new behavioral traits, not consistent with your prior personality. You'll find you'll have an easier time experimenting socially with people who don't know you very well yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And once you feel you've integrated the new behavior into your personality and it has become second nature to you, you may want to give it another try with your older friends and your own family members. And you may even have better luck then, but there is no guarantee. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, there will always be people that are easier to connect with than others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T00:43:02.767" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T00:43:02.767" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12211" CreationDate="2018-03-23T00:10:19.937" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like others have tried to slow him down, but haven't been able to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I'd simply refuse to spar with him anymore. Talk about your feelings. No one can argue against your feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable sparring with you. You're just too fast and too strong. And I don't like doing it.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, no. I'm not doing it.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No, even when you're holding back. I don't enjoy doing it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Yes, I may never improve that way, but that's my decision.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Nope.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No thanks.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat this, as many times as necessary (this is not an argument, you're not trying to convince him of anything. It's ok if he doesn't accept it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean that you can't still be friends. It just means that you no longer want to spar with him. And yes, it might hurt his feelings for a little while. But don't let his feelings manipulate you into doing something that you're clearly not comfortable doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And whatever you do, don't try to change him (others have tried already and I suspect that any change may only be temporary), and don't get sucked up into an argument. So don't insult him, don't make it about his behavior, make it about your own feelings, don't expand the argument, and don't be afraid to repeat yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if he keeps on probing, just tell him. &quot;I'm sorry. I've already told you this is not what I wanted. I don't feel comfortable sparring with you. My feelings are my feelings, and I certainly don't need to justify my feelings to you.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yes, you could leave the door open for practicing for a competition (like someone else has suggested already), but I were you, I wouldn't do that. In my opinion, it's best to not leave doors open if you're having such a hard time telling him 'no' in the first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T00:15:57.637" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T00:15:57.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12255" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12273" CreationDate="2018-03-23T00:49:10.460" Score="11" ViewCount="897" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An acquaintance of mine and his wife just self-published a very short book. Unfortunately, it has scores of grammatical mistakes on most pages. My friend and his wife have a great message to share, so I'd like to see their book improve. I'm also concerned about possible (or likely?) image plagiarism. They appear not to notice the many mistakes in their booklet and I'm worried that the mistakes would reflect poorly on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell him that their book needs major revision?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Other requirements&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want them to think I'm classist or elitist (they have a high school GED whereas I have multiple graduate degrees in the natural sciences)...or even racist (they're black, I'm white).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm also not sure if I'm close enough to them to suggest something like this. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7941" LastEditorUserId="7941" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T21:42:01.850" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T05:05:39.747" Title="How can I tell a friend that their self-published book needs editing?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11962" CreationDate="2018-03-23T04:57:19.937" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're having a celebration, then you already have an opportunity to communicate with people ahead of time about your birthday. You could say in that invitation email/card/phone call:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Remember how last year was the year of the sock? You all were awesome, and I don't think I'll ever need another sock in my life! I can only hope this is my year for golf balls/handkerchiefs/sports cars/bitcoin!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This can be a real request at the end, per Catija's answer, or a ridiculous suggestion that your guests could not reasonably afford/obtain.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the benefit of &lt;strong&gt;acknowledging the past gifts&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;sharing a funny memory&lt;/strong&gt;, while making it clear that &lt;strong&gt;you don't need any more socks&lt;/strong&gt; (which is a very strong hint that you do not want any more socks). It should not inherently make anyone feel bad about what they have given you in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not planning a celebration but expect to get socks in the mail from family members, then it might feel a little more awkward to reach out to them preemptively to deliver the message. In that case, you could make it a point to contact each person sometime soon and bring this up as part of the process of checking in: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By the way, I have a pile of packages of socks in my closet, and every time I see them, it makes me think of you. Did you all conspire to make sure my toes are toasty? You all are awesome, and I'll never need another sock in my life. ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may feel easier to use this joke-y approach if you're getting special socks (patterned socks, toe socks, hiking socks...) instead of just a utilitarian package of matched socks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T04:57:19.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12233" CreationDate="2018-03-23T04:59:48.423" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had this same problem years ago this is my experience. Texting is a way of communicating, at its base it is no different than any other method of communicating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rule 1 If you want the conversation to flow sometimes you have to work hard to move the conversation along. This means read your text before you send it and think, is this easy to respond to or does it shut the conversation down? If it shuts the conversation down then find something else to say or another way to say it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rule 2 Humor is the oil that greases most conversations. Sending a funny link, pic, meme, gif or comment is appropriate if you want to keep a conversation flowing but don't know what to say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said all that you want to keep in mind to be a bit choosy over who you spend time with. Ask yourself do we have things in common? Will this turn into an actual friendship? If you have nothing in common then you will never turn your small talk into meaningful conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as the act of reaching for more meaningful conversation look for ways to incorporate the types of things you want to talk about for example say you want to talk politics make a general comment about the latest story on the news. Specifically you could say &quot;did you hear about...&quot; if they want to talk about it then they will probably talk about it if they don't they will probably respond with a yes or no answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15750" LastEditorUserId="15750" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T05:05:14.957" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T05:05:14.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12259" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12226" CreationDate="2018-03-23T05:49:11.333" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is where boundaries come in to play. They want more from you than you want to give, but they don't have the right to get more from you than you are willing to give. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First if you just want them to stay away until you are done with your thesis then just let people know say something like &quot;Right now I don't have any free time to help you with that but you can....&quot; and point them in the right direction. That way they get some help and you don't waste time doing their work. It's really unhealthy for them if you just do their work for them it sets them up to think all they have to do is find somebody to unload their problems on in life and they can float through life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to do that you could help them but set a limit. You could set up a time and place where you help people, say every Thursday at from 2 - 3 at a specific place. If someone comes to you for help tell them your time is limited and give them the time and place then say &quot;I will help whoever I can during that hour but that is all the time I have.&quot; That way you have set a limit on the time you will give.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need more help on setting boundaries in any area of you life I highly recommend reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend it's a great book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15750" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T05:49:11.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12233" CreationDate="2018-03-23T06:37:25.777" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Writing is a way to communicate without being interrupted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is is you want to do some serious talks with long messages, and I'm sure when things like that occur, you can manage for an hour or two, until the topic is done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But for small talks, it's not that easy if you're not used to it, I can see why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess you want to talk for hours with one person about anything and nothing at the same time, and you run out of topics fast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you run out of topics, make your correspondant initiate on another topic, you may at least have one thing to say about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's not a topic you're not comfortable with, don't answer right away, cheat with time, like a three minutes delay before answering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if it's a topic where you have a lot to say, don't unload it all in one single message, spread it to a minimum of five messages, with some indicators that you would like your correspondant to react to each message. And again, you don't have to answer right away, as your goal seems to be keeping yourself and the person on the conversation as long as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't forget to end the conversation when it's time to sleep or something like that as well, halting on a topic to continue the next day is a good way to keep in touch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12914" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T06:37:25.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12242" CreationDate="2018-03-23T07:25:19.743" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My landlord did the same to us. When I moved in into a sharing apartment, he almost kept a track of when I would return from the office and as soon as I reach, he would barge out of the main door and remind me about the rent, though my payment due date was 2-3 days ahead. I spoke to my roomies about this behavior and they told me that he had always been like this and we shouldn't be bothered it. So, even though he reminded me in the next coming months, we would say, 'ok, will pay it'. It bothered me in the first few months, but later I started ignoring it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if this bothers you, you can start doing one of the following.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put a reminder two days before the due date and when you meet her, say in a joking way, 'Lady, I have  put a reminder to pay you the tent. See, I am so responsible'. Ensure to show her the reminder. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or some other time, tell her how grateful you are that you have such a wonderful landlady who reminds you always. Also, tell her that half of the burden is removed from your shoulders. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The intention is to inform her that you remember before she reminds you. And also to maintain the rapport and yet be jovial without her getting defensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, just ignore her. Though you are paying the rent, she is still the queen of that house. She might be trying to exercise her rights or she might have had tenants who delayed the payment. We don't have to know. But, whatever you do, don't offend her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastEditorUserId="2969" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T07:34:00.647" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T07:34:00.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12263" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-23T08:07:22.610" Score="3" ViewCount="365" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am planning on quitting smoking. I have already reduced my nicotine intake substantially by switching from machine cigarettes to roll-ups, using tobacco which is less strong.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having analysed my smoking, I think that one of the things which I will miss most is the social interaction which smoking brings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live alone and, while I do go out to groups/meetings and stuff, most of my day-to-day social interaction with people is driven by smoking.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g. - when at home, I go outside for a cigarette, and usually this means I meet both of my neighbours.  Neighbour A will usually come outside every so often with her dog, and I, standing outside my door, will have a chat with her.  Neighbour B is also a smoker, and he tends to come outside for a cigarette at the same time as me.  He and I will have a chat.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work, I go for smoking breaks at the smoking shelter, where I have a friendly chat with colleagues who are at the shelter for the same reason.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking back over the past ten years I have been smoking, on and off, since university, I note that a lot of my friends have been people who I have first met in smoking situations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously I do go out now and then to events where I meet friends, but not often enough to replace the loss of regular, short social contact with people on that day-to-day basis.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How have other ex-smokers dealt with this?  How do you replace this lost social contact?  How can I sustain this day-to-day periodic social interaction without smoking?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7595" LastEditorUserId="15816" LastEditDate="2018-03-25T10:30:32.433" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T10:30:32.433" Title="What is a good replacement for social contact when giving up smoking?" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;smoking-vaping&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-03-23T11:53:52.690" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12264" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-23T08:14:03.650" Score="45" ViewCount="13270" Body="&lt;p&gt;Source is this twitter thread: &lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/MalwareJake/status/976848126987374593&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://twitter.com/MalwareJake/status/976848126987374593&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Excerpt:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She said that the guy who appeared to be the unofficial group leader started talking about one of the (very few) female conference speakers like a piece of meat. The other guys jumped in and described the many (specifics were very shocking) things they would do to her.&#xA;  One even made rape &quot;jokes&quot; (which are obviously NEVER okay).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When in such company, I would just leave the conversation, after taking in how repulsive this kind of attitude is. But that doesn't make them understand that this is just not ok. So the question is: how to be assertive in these circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This 'unofficial group leader' seems to express such things to (re)establish his leadership position. At that point, the others in the group are already determined to be no match for him (at least in the leaders' mind).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way of addressing him, could be: &quot;Now I see how you are still single&quot; or &quot;wow, your girlfriend must be really happy with you&quot; (depending on the situation). Although that's just passive aggressive, and will not result in a constructive &quot;hey, this way you are talking reveals that you are actually not respecting women at all, you should revise how you look at women.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is the real reason this guy is acting this way? (I suppose I have some idea about it, but please elaborate)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Given that we know or assume to understand the reason why he talks this way, how to best address this guy and/or group, to get them to understand what they are doing?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: adding context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is something that often happens at tech conferences, but of course it happens everywhere (I suppose) when there's too many men and little or no women and drinks. There's this idea that you can't have good looks and be smart at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen it happen in Belgium (Europe). My biggest concern is not detoxing tech events, but I'd like to see this kind of behaviour disappear entirely. It just shows a total disrespect for women in general, and it's a hard idea to get across, especially towards men with lower moral standards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I'm asking from the viewpoint for someone in the group. Maybe the better question is: what can someone in the group (obviously not the alpha guy) do, to make sure the rest of the group isn't tricked into thinking this is the proper way to talk about women?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If anyone has better tag suggestions, I'm a bit at a loss.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&#xA;I'm going to refrain from refining the question. I like how people interpreted it in different ways, and there are a lot very good opinions on these interpretations. Changing the question could mess up other people's answers for no good reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see it as a duplicate of the linked question as this is a group going wrong thing, which is harder to counter than an individual making an inappropriate comment. But I agree it covers a lot of ground and probably overlaps with several other questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks everyone!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15753" LastEditorUserId="15753" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T10:38:27.240" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T01:23:11.700" Title="How can I address a man talking inappropriately about women?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-03-27T10:58:45.683" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12226" CreationDate="2018-03-23T08:37:46.250" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Set an appointment with them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in my PhD as well and I have to assist two master students with their thesis. They used to ask for my help for every little problem in every moment, thus hindering my work. So I decided to schedule a fixed time during the week to help them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Right now I'm very busy, shall we meet on Tuesday at 11? So you can work on your problem some more time, and if you don't find a solution by that day,  you can show me &lt;em&gt;what you have tried so far&lt;/em&gt; and we'll work a way out of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to underline that you want to see their work on the subject they're asking your help for. You have to make clear that you aren't a &quot;solution cow&quot;, so to speak; you don't solve problems in their place, you &lt;em&gt;help them figuring out their solution&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Redirect them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume you're not the only person that can help them. As far as I know, a professor must have scheduled office hours to help students. You can note down the office hours of those that may help the students that come to you, and while explaining that you can't help them because you're busy, you show them the sheet with the office hours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you can probably suggest them a book or a chapter on the subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'd like to help you but I'm too busy to do it. But yeah, I remember this kind of problems. You will find what you're looking for in book A, it has a very good section about solving {X}.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hang a &quot;Do not disturb&quot; sign on your door.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, if you don't share your office with anybody. If you can do so, make sure that your supervisor and your colleagues know that's just for students. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just say no.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry guys, I'd like to help you, but I'm too busy. You know, PhD life is hell. I'm sure you can solve it on your own! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's &lt;em&gt;nothing wrong&lt;/em&gt; in saying no to these student. You're busy and they haven't tried anything to solve their problems on their own. Let them just do their work and ask them to let you do yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you tell them you're sorry, remember that &lt;em&gt;it's your right to not help them&lt;/em&gt;. Right now, your priority is your PhD. You're going out of your way to help them, it's not even required from you. If you want to work from home for a week and during this week they can't find you, what will they do? They won't file a complain to the university as they would do with a professor, that's for sure. So, while telling them that you're sorry, remember that you're not depriving them of a right they have; instead, you're telling them that you can't do them a favour anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T14:40:02.887" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T14:40:02.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12263" CreationDate="2018-03-23T08:53:49.747" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this instance, you could say there are two distinct routes to social activity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Meeting like-minded people through a common interest in a shared activity&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you were interested in comics and attended events like comic conventions then you are going to be exposed to people with a common interest. The people you meet aren't going to be identical to you in every way of course - we are all unique - but you have a shared interest which could be the basis for a friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Meeting differently-minded people by coincidentally sharing a space.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people make all their friends at school, or at work, which when you think about it does not guarantee you have any shared interests. But this isn't a bad thing, because it isn't necessarily good for us to only associate with those who may think the same way as us. To be rounded as people we need to broaden our minds to other ways of thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smoking is what has brought you together with a number of people that you clearly enjoy associating with. Maybe you do share some things in common - but it wasn't those things that brought you together. Smoking can't really be called a shared interest - lets call it what it is: an addiction. Anyone can become addicted to cigarettes. Also, if your daily contact is limited to talking in the place where you take your smoke breaks you are never really sharing in any other aspects of your smoking buddies' lives, so as real as these friendships are they are pretty limited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to ditch the friends you have made. If you think there is scope for continuing friendships through other activities then extend offers to them. Try to avoid situations where smoking could take place so that you aren't tempted to return to the habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as for making &lt;strong&gt;new&lt;/strong&gt; friends - look at the two routes I mentioned above. If you have interests already then see if you can pursue them any further in ways that may introduce you to other people. If you don't have an interest like that then have a think about taking something up - there are probably running clubs, choirs, craft clubs - all sorts of activities operating locally, you just need to look around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you prefer the idea of meeting a wider range of people rather than base friendships on an interest then look for other social opportunities at work. Rather than the smoke shelter, is there a common area for coffee breaks? Talk to people there. See if there are social clubs at work. If not, you could take the initiative to organise something like a work night-out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also remember that you meet people &lt;em&gt;through&lt;/em&gt; people. Accepting social invitations from people that you might not have much of an affinity with can lead to you meeting others with whom you get along better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should add that I am &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a smoker &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; an ex-smoker. But this isn't a situation that is exclusive to ex-smokers. People relocate and have to find new friends. Sometimes a bad break-up can divide social circles. Lots of people successfully make new friends and I hope that you stick to your resolve of living healthier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T08:59:33.950" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T08:59:33.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-23T12:45:20.547" Score="70" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't usually want to start a discussion, you don't want to attack them, so don't try things like &lt;em&gt;&quot;Now I see how you are still single&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Merely express your displeasure:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not cool, man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are similar alternatives depending on how bad and how long the chat has gone on, like &quot;Too far&quot;, &quot;Just no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most common outcome is that they will attempt to deflect and move on to a more agreeable topic. Let them do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The usual reason why people talk like this is because it's fun and makes them look cool. If it isn't fun and doesn't make them look cool, they'll drop it. But people will defend themselves when attacked, no matter how wrong they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I liked &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12289/1993&quot;&gt;Mykazuki's answer&lt;/a&gt; as well. And if you're not in a position to say something, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12331/1993&quot;&gt;Thorsten's answer&lt;/a&gt; is an even less confrontational option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T12:45:53.963" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T12:45:53.963" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12255" CreationDate="2018-03-23T13:43:11.753" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly I'd ask yourself - &lt;strong&gt;are &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; willing to edit it for him?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You think they have a worthwhile message&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are more than capable as you have multiple degrees&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You care enough about their reputation to want to intervene.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Whether you are willing to edit it or not&lt;/strong&gt;, you could begin by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think you have a really worthwhile message in your book. I hope it&#xA;  reaches as many people as possible. Do you have an editor? Or have you&#xA;  had it proofread?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming their reply to these questions is &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt;, and &lt;strong&gt;you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; willing to edit it&lt;/strong&gt; then you could add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I did quite a lot of writing for my degrees. I'm not involved in&#xA;  publishing, but I'd be willing to proofread and even edit it for you&#xA;  if you like?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach doesn't specifically say that you saw errors, just that you want to help them make it as professional as it possibly can be. Your willingness to help shows that you care about the book, not that you just want to criticise it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand if they say it &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; been edited then you may be best leaving it there. If you point out that there are still errors after such &quot;editing&quot; you don't know who you might be insulting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are not willing to edit it&lt;/strong&gt; and they have not used an editor or a proofreader, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't really know much about publishing, but I know it can help to&#xA;  have it read by somebody professional before publication. I enjoyed it&#xA;  as it was though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This hopefully will plant the seed in their mind, but you must now leave it up to them knowing you've done your best to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T13:43:11.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12255" CreationDate="2018-03-23T14:03:14.580" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can also use suggest them to use an online spell checker, or plagiarism checker. One example of this would be &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.grammarly.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Grammarly&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just give a hint to check their spelling as Astralbee suggested, and say something such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi (insert name here)! Your book inspires me a lot, but I think that checking your work on Grammarly would really help improve your book. If that doesn't help, I would suggest (this editor) to check your book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you need to invest some time and effort into finding possible solutions, but this approach gives them some next steps, without having to fully commit to editing their book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15770" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T14:03:14.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12275" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-23T14:06:45.263" Score="4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Direct feedback&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Unpleasant, but not extremely so&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though I definitely will not advise you to go over the top with this, try giving direct feedback as appropriately and consistently as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The feedback should be quick and simple.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For direct insults this is very easy: you find something that gives her a similar feeling as she gives you. The main thing to look out for is that you do not go for something that she feels too strong about, and don't apply this method when she is depressed in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that you should NOT put any emotion in the statement, it should be something that is not relevant, not untrue, and not important. Just as the thing she just said to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Examples&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever she calls you stupid, you tell her she is short&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Completely irrelevant, not too intense, not related to the context, but creates the feedback loop that you seem to need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though using this feedback loop may be a trick, it is not something that needs to happen secretly. In fact you can explain why you are going to do this before you start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like you calling me stupid, from now on I will call you short&#xA;whenever you call me stupid&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some purposes, like 'you are not a great craftsman', it may be more difficult, but if this is a recurring topic you can surely come up with an appriate reply. For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not a great cook&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or perhaps even&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not a great craftsman yourself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again the same criteria have to apply:&#xA;you should NOT put any emotion in the statement, it should be something that is not relevant, not untrue, and not important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4645" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T14:06:45.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12276" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-23T14:22:04.343" Score="5" ViewCount="619" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not sure if this question is better for martial arts or what. The goal is personal safety, but I find it interpersonal because it's a matter of maintaining personal safety using 'soft' strategies (decisions &amp;amp; discussion not body armor) while also maintaining group relations and norms and not burning any bridges or coming off as acting rashly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the news we hear about crazed acts of violence against innocent people. I'm not sure if this is actually any more common nowadays than in the past and I recognize it is an exceptional, unusual thing in any case. Still, it happens. In schools, in public places, in offices, maniacs lash out violently. I'm on board with &quot;we can't live in fear&quot; mentality, but I also think the world can be a dangerous place in general and one has to take some level of responsibility for their own safety in response to stimuli and circumstance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the following example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a class or school, a member of the group (student or employee) has demonstrated a history of (non-violent) aggressiveness. For example, when confronted about performance issues, they become enraged, turn red and yell. Those outbursts are dealt with by administrators but are not always grounds to permanently remove the aggressive member of the group. Eventually after so many outbursts and continued poor performance, the aggressive person is told their time with the group is up and they'll have to leave at a certain date. That person becomes enraged again, but cools off and remains until their expulsion date. (Why they're not escorted out immediately is an administrative decision out of group members' control.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am one of the people this aggressive person has targeted their anger at in the past, I'd feel unsafe, concerned they could escalate to actual violence on account of their dismissal. Even before dismissal, this kind of person is a threatening presence for the group, especially for those they aim their anger at. &lt;strong&gt;How are group members to act in this situation?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For one to avoid the group - a class or work setting - may be acceptable for short periods as if one were sick, but that ultimately becomes a significant career move if one decides to just leave the group over this. To avoid the aggressive person like the plague is frowned upon as not everyone can take that course and it can escalate or upset the person, who's aggression and behavior may be improved by acceptance rather than becoming an outcast. To report the aggressive person to a higher authority doesn't seem to make sense as they haven't actually committed any crime or even threatened to, they are just generally short-tempered, and escalating the situation in that way may just escalate their bad temper or aggressive behavior in the future. None of us are perfect and being short-tempered is not a crime, though it can be threatening to the group. The situation becomes more complicated if the aggressive person is a known hunter or otherwise firearms enthusiast legally; a short-temper is not (yet) grounds to lose one's right to bear arms, and the aggressive person may have no criminal record or any history of physical violence toward other people. Heck, there are cases where this aggressive character is generally not seen as a bad person or an extremist in any way, quite friendly most of the time and appreciating life as most others do, but just has a temper and a bad habit of lashing out at others which is threatening to the group. In some cases, this aggressive person may remain in the group and not get expelled from it by administrators, and group members go on in their work while feeling threatened by this person's potential to become violent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these cases what is one to do? This is a situation I've recognized more than once over the years, in different settings and groups. I'm asking as if I'm a peer of the aggressive person. E.g. we're both students, we're both co-workers, and whether or not there is some hierarchy (e.g. project lead vs. project implementation staff), neither of us have sufficient administrative powers to remove the other from the group. Again the goal is ultimately personal safety, but achieved in such a way as to maintain group relations and avoid causing any unnecessary social or career harm. For example answers that suggest a group member outcast themselves are not really achieving the goal; while maybe an answer is simply remove yourself from the group, this is not always an easy option and is not a scalable approach that fellow group members can work with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1963" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T16:20:15.550" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T01:51:59.040" Title="How to act out of concern for safety in group setting with an individual showing aggressive tendencies?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;groups&gt;&lt;safety&gt;&lt;de-escalation&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12277" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12279" CreationDate="2018-03-23T15:13:02.403" Score="17" ViewCount="7412" Body="&lt;p&gt;So here is the story:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was a Saturday night and my wife and I were sitting outside, drinking. We've already had a few drinks and we were talking, listening to music, in a good mood if you will. I see about 5 or 6 houses down from ours (we live in townhouse apartments, so the houses are stacked right next to each other), a couple of guys step outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was feeling confident with the alcohol in my body and wanted to walk down there and talk to these guys. They seemed like they'd had a few drinks themselves and I knew they wouldn't mind me walking up to them and talking to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I walk down there, we introduce ourselves, we were just talking. Funny part is, no names were exchanged still. After about 10 minutes of talking, I tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I never caught any of your names, what is your name?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now of these two guys, one of them was of African-American descent. This is important to this story. This guy of African-American descent, he thinks. He thinks for a about 5 seconds and goes &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Umm... Mike. My name is Mike. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am usually really good at reading body language and facial cues. But this time, I messed up really horribly. From his pause and his &quot;Ummmm&quot;, I felt like he was giving me a fake name. I got this really strong feeling that he did not want to give me his real name. It had NOTHING to do with him being African-American or anything, just his body language made me feel so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The smart, all-knowing me go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh come on man, you don't need to give me a fake name. Assuming I won't be able to pronounce your real name is very offensive. Try me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both these guys start laughing hysterically. I just stand there like an idiot, waiting for them to finish. The guy says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My name really is Mike. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I felt horrible. I did not mean to be racist at all, but it sure did seem like it. I apologized like 10 times but I still felt horrible. I still feel horrible! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What could I have told the guy so he understands, realizes, and believes that I was not trying to be racist?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why I feel so bad about it: right after this happened, Mike said he has to go in the house and &quot;grab cigarettes&quot; and walked in. The other guy was still out, but I felt so horrible, I just told them to have a good day and walked away. Neither of them came out after this incident for about 20 minutes; even though they had to come out to smoke their cigarette if it was genuine. So I felt like they did not want to come out because I was sitting in my back yard. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in the US, in a &quot;backwards&quot; town in the US, to be specific. Important because a lot of people in this town are kind of racist. I've had racist remarks told to me in this town before. I am an Indian myself. To summarize, I am very confused and I am very ashamed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T20:39:02.783" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T08:05:18.083" Title="How to recover from being falsely seen as a racist?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12211" CreationDate="2018-03-23T15:34:59.350" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's going on?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When Bill speeds up in order to win the spar, he is feeling great because he wins.  But as you said, he has compromised fairness, equity, and good form to achieve that goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly, Bill doesn't understand sportsmanship.  Sportsmanship is more than a cultural norm, it's a civilization norm that has been present in Western society at least since the Hellenistic Olympics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://academyoffencingmasters.com/blog/always-respect-your-fencing-opponent/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here's a blog post about sportsmanship in fencing.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scu.edu/ethics/focus-areas/more/resources/what-role-does-ethics-play-in-sports/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here's a university article about sportsmanship.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://summitmartialartsblog.wordpress.com/category/good-sportsmanship/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here's a blog post about sparring partners.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Next steps&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't spar if you don't think it's safe to do so.  I don't think you can avoid &quot;hurting his feelings&quot;, but this is a person who doesn't mind &quot;hurting your feelings&quot; with a broadsword: you are not doing something wrong by protecting your pate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to justify your decision to Bill, because after all, Bill doesn't respect you or your safety during sparring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you care about Bill, you will want him to &lt;strong&gt;learn sportsmanship&lt;/strong&gt; and start respecting his opponents.  Eventually, a poor sport will lose all of his or her sparring partners, and before that their skills will plateau prematurely because of their lack of respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, the sport will only continue if it's safe for the players.  Unsafe sparring would be a great reason for regulators to shut down the practice... that would be bad for everybody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T15:34:59.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12277" CreationDate="2018-03-23T15:36:51.617" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;To the situation you described; it sounds as if Mike and his friend found the experience quite amusing but were not keen to keep socialising with you, hence the &lt;em&gt;'grab cigarettes'&lt;/em&gt; excuse. They probably realised you were harmless, but that you had been drinking and wanted to spare you from any further embarrassment. It is unlikely he thought you were out to be deliberately racist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you meet Mike again and befriend him, he may eventually tell you his real name (if it's not really Mike). If he stays nearby, it may be worth waiting until your next chance encounter to offer a friendly apology. You can always say it was because you had a lot to drink. For the time being, try not to worry about it too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if someone gives you what you suspect is a fake name, it could be because they don't trust you or their real name is not easy for people from another country/background to pronounce. It's best to just go with what they give you. I've met people from China, India, Greece etc. where my Scottish tongue needs a few attempts to get the pronunciation exactly correct. In these cases, they are not usually offended by attempts, and may adopt a nickname or 'western name' until both parties are comfortable using the real one. Though in case of western names, some prefer to keep using them anyway. There are some who think a stranger asking for a name is considered quite intrusive as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T15:36:51.617" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12280" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-23T15:42:20.953" Score="8" ViewCount="3286" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a 17 years old, I have never had to face this unfortunate and sad situation before. My friend's grandad just died, what can I do to support him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Delhi, India . My friend comes from a Hindu family but is an atheist. His family is not orthodox.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15773" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T16:40:12.580" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T09:52:38.037" Title="What to do when a friend's close relative dies?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-03-27T08:57:11.977" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12280" CreationDate="2018-03-23T15:49:24.890" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends how close you are, but &quot;I'm sorry for your loss&quot;, is appropriate, as is &quot;I'll be here if you need me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if it is not a close friend, back off a bit as this is a time when people are overwhelmed with well-wishers.  The first two weeks are hectic and you really don't have time to deal with all the people trying to make you feel better, so it is actually respectful to let the person know that you will be around if you need them, but that you're going to give them their space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After two weeks, things will slow down and that is when it is appropriate to ask if you can help, if they need anything, and to just check in with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions like &quot;How are you holding up?&quot; or &quot;Do you need anything?&quot; are appropriate at this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing about grief is that it takes a while to hit.  The time around the death is actually the easiest.  You go on auto-pilot and you're in shock.  It doesn't sink in right away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the weeks afterward, when everyone has stopped dropping in to express their regrets, after everyone has said &quot;If you need anything....&quot;  To be a good friend, step in a few weeks later and lend your support then.  That is how you can really help a friend over a very difficult time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T15:49:24.890" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-23T15:49:50.420" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In such situation, I believe that you can just demonstrate them how absurd and mean what they are saying is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell them that women are normal human being and that they deserve respect as they do. People shouldn't talk about other people this way. If you don't blink and don't let them any other alternative, they will just quiet down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You won't make friend, but there's no loss with such people...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would indeed work, because you don't let other alternatives to the person saying this, if they continue they will just feel disgusting as they will realize that the words they are saying ain't jokes. It's the same with racist jokes and all those dirty unfunny jokes, once you put people in front of themselves they can't face the reality behind what they are saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user14435" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T01:23:11.700" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T01:23:11.700" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12280" CreationDate="2018-03-23T15:54:49.967" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, help or get out of the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DO&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...say &quot;I'm so sorry your grandpa died.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...ask if there's anything you can do to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...be extra nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...pay close attention to cultural norms in your social circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DON'T&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...say &quot;Wow, what happened?  Why was he doing that?  Didn't somebody tell him not to do that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...try to find out how close your friend was with his grandpa / how much grief he's going through.  That's because it's more polite to assume that the loss is a real loss, and allow a non-grieving person to volunteer things like &quot;actually I only ever met him twice.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...make jokes about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...feel bad that it's never happened to you: the friend who is trying to help is YOU, not someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T18:15:31.847" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T18:15:31.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12277" CreationDate="2018-03-23T16:11:53.013" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, there's not much you can do. If that was his perception of the situation, it'll stick in his head for awhile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But given what happened, it doesn't sound like he really took it that personally. It was most likely awkward to him, but not the kind of thing that would have him label you as a racist. The thing that might stick in his head is how much you seemingly dwelled on it which is where you probably went wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this kind of situation, the best thing you can do is move on. When &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; dwell on it and keep trying to defend yourself, it makes you seem far more guilty. A simple apology would have been enough or even just diffusing the situation with a self-deprecating joke to turn your misstep into an opportunity for another laugh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T16:11:53.013" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12277" CreationDate="2018-03-23T16:21:03.647" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It was your mistake, and not a big one*. You own it, apologize once while you mean it (consider offering a beverage), and that's all there is to it. And if it comes back to haunt you as a running gag/insider joke, you play along and have fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You made an assumption and jumped to a conclusion. You were wrong, and as a result the other party was amused but also slightly offended**. This will happen occasionally, regardless of race or gender of the people involved. A way to prevent that is to try to be more careful in verifying your assumptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*People who are big on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microaggression&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;microagressions&lt;/a&gt; (disclaimer: I am not) might still think there was underlying racism involved because you immediately assumed the reason he gave you a fake name was that his real name was foreign and hard to pronounce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;**Speaking of assumptions: They may also have left due to the excessive apologies, or they may have left due to cigarettes but stayed away because something else came up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2018-03-23T16:26:27.873" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T16:26:27.873" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12280" CreationDate="2018-03-23T17:21:47.757" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As teenagers, dealing with loss is incredibly hard.  You may have experienced the loss of a pet, but it doesn't compare to losing a grandparent.  So you don't really have any experience dealing with this and find yourself saying, &quot;what do I do now?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boys tend to keep their feelings bottled up.  We don't always like showing them, and we don't want to let people see us cry.  So comforting other teenage boys is hard.  Here are a couple of things to keep in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell NO ONE what he tells you.  It may be funny.  He may say something that hurts you.  At no time can you repeat anything he says.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be there for him.  Sometimes the best thing is a friend who is just there and wants to do something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's not wrong.  If he starts talking about his grief, don't correct him.  Don't try to tell him that he shouldn't feel that way.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is not the time to talk about a religious faith other than his. (We Christians seem to like doing that, and it really ticks people off.)  Acknowledge his belief system and accept that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't push him to talk about how he feels.  He's most likely getting enough of that right now.  He'll tell you what he feels is appropriate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I understand Indian family life (US citizen, so I can only speak from observation), obligation plays a huge part.  If there are things that he needs to do, offer to help him.  It may be boring or painful for you, but he'll remember for a long time that you helped him with his obligations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's both easy and hard to really mess this up.  It's hard to mess up, in that merely being there and supportive and trying your best will generally be what's needed.  It's easy to mess up if you try to talk him out of it or minimize his pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're trying to do the right thing, and I give you credit for that.  Back when i was 17 and lost a grandparent, I don't recall anyone trying anything like what you're doing.  So props to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T17:21:47.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12288" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-23T17:56:37.697" Score="2" ViewCount="648" Body="&lt;p&gt;Approximately 6 months ago, I placed an order with a friend of a friend for laser engraved dog tags to distribute at as a keepsake at an event I attend. We agreed on a price, I provided art, and they let me know that they would send me a sample before filling the order. They also let me know that they would follow up with payment details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this initial conversation, I had no further contact with this individual. I never recieved the sample or the payment information, and they did not respond to my follow up emails as the date of the event approached. A few days prior to the event, to my extreme surprise, I received my complete order in the mail with no accompanying documentation. Additionally, they appeared to be screen printed rather than laser engraved. I sent another message to coordinate payment at this stage, and received no response. I did end up handing out the tags at the event, and was very pleased with how they were received by the other attendees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a month of no additional contact, I assumed the order had been written off as a loss, and that I would not hear from this individual or their business at any point. I was surprised today to recieve both an email, and an invoice from them asking for payment in full.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going to pay the invoice, as I did accept delivery of the order, and use it as intended. That said, I feel like I should say something to them about their poor business practices and my dissatisfaction with the transaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I respond to this message &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; I have paid the invoice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15778" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T17:56:37.697" Title="How to respond to a person asking for payment after they were non-responsive for 6 months?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2018-03-23T19:21:26.667" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12289" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-23T17:58:47.960" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;After a comment below I now want to state first, because I think I was misunderstood, that rape jokes are NEVER OK, regardless of context. However, it &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; depend on the context how to address them.&#xA;Also in general I don't think it is necessary for a group to make such jokes to make someone else uncomfortable, that is why I start with my first clarification. There are different kinds of objectification and &amp;quot;sexual talk&amp;quot; and there are different reasons for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So after the update, first I want to clarify something on the general side: women also speak about men as &amp;quot;pieces of meat&amp;quot;. It is rather common. If a person find someone attractive but doesn't know them as a person and they are in a group with people with their same sexual orientation, it is very common for them to say sexual things about said other person. That doesn't mean they don't think the other person is not human or anything of the sort, it is just normal human behavior. This of course doesn't mean everyone does it, it goes with personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now &lt;strong&gt;a general advice&lt;/strong&gt;, men (and women really) wouldn't talk (usually) like this if they are aware a member of the other sex is around, because this is not a behavior aimed to make the other person feel bad, it is just goofing around in a &amp;quot;we like sex, we are the same gender/have same sexual orientation, we understand each other&amp;quot; kind of way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you are in a context were there are women around, just tell them in a nice way. Don't say it like &amp;quot;you idiots&amp;quot;, say it more like &amp;quot;oops we made a mistake&amp;quot; kind of way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey guys there are ladies around here, let's be quiet or change the&#xA;topic&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will probably make some joke about you being such a gentleman or so and actually tone down the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clarification&lt;/strong&gt;: This advice refers to situations when a group of people is talking sexually, in a normal way, and not doing rape jokes or comments of the sort, that as I already said are never ok. I am talking of general sex talk that wouldn't let the other person be comfortable, whether men or women. You can't forbid people talking this way, but you can tell them that there are appropriate places. For instance saying &amp;quot;that woman has nice figure&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;that guy has great abs&amp;quot; is not bad, but you certainly shouldn't be saying things like that, that are meant to be heard by your friends in a way just about anyone, specially of the other gender could hear them. Sometimes people fail to see that, normal sex talk happens in these places, which is inappropriate in the setting but not as a general rule. So if you demonize it and make too harsh a stand, it is actually counterproductive, because it doesn't make them feel they are wrong, they feel like you are overreacting and decide you are just oversensitive. I have seen this happen a lot, so the way you proceed in these situations should depend on what it's being said. And sometimes just pointing out there are women (or men if it is the other way around) is enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I know this works? Because I have seen it working a gazillion times. Take into consideration that people usually don't want to be embarrassed in public or be seen as awful by people they don't know. So they would be actually thankful that you made them notice that they are messing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Now more detailed advice:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If they are just goofing around&lt;/strong&gt;, the above should be enough, and as I said it is just natural behavior and to be somewhat expected with many people of the same gender/sexual preference together in the same place with drinks. However, as someone in your twitter link said, &lt;strong&gt;rape jokes are never ok&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what to do if someone goes really overboard and makes rape jokes or something else extremely rude? You can either show your discomfort in an honest way or in a joking way, it will depend on the situation, and how you see it. If you are natural and don't try to act like the righteousness protector it should be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key to this is to not be judgmental: don't make comments about the person, their family or whatever. Sometimes, people are just really lousy at making jokes and get very overboard, but they are not bad, so you can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Hey dude that's not cool!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Hey don't go around giving people bad ideas! She is a brilliant professional and you shouldn't be talking about her like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend name here&lt;/strong&gt;, sorry but that makes me a bit uncomfortable, I&#xA;mean she is hot, but she deserves respect, she was brilliant in the&#xA;conference, so lets tone down the jokes please.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of these options may make you sound a tad more serious than you may feel comfortable with, but if they are joking they wont take it wrong. They will probably just joke about your &amp;quot;seriousness&amp;quot; and move on. You might even be surprised by some of them agreeing with you. It is amazing how many times people actually feel uncomfortable about these kind of jokes but don't say anything because they are embarrassed to do so, they want to look &amp;quot;cool&amp;quot;, be &amp;quot;a part of the pack&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is that they are just joking and being silly and they are not truly mean, so you shouldn't linger in the topic. &amp;quot;Nagging&amp;quot; about it won't do anything for your cause, it will just make you look like annoying. If you express yourself clearly without being mean/rude or judgmental (like saying what an awful person they are for saying such things) they will actually respect you and see you as a person that speaks out when necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now &lt;strong&gt;if they are actually being mean&lt;/strong&gt;, well you have to consider why are they being mean. Is it that they feel threatened by her? Or is just that they are not used to work with women and they feel she think she is better than them? When an outsider comes and is really good, even better than other people of the group, people sometimes feel like the outsider is being standoffish or arrogant, when it is just them not understanding the outsider. Why do I say outsider? In a field dominated by a gender, a member of the other gender is an outsider.&#xA;It could also just be that they are plain chauvinistic or mere idiots.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they behavior comes from feeling threatened, then it is a bit similar to when they are goofing around, they are just being silly. So you should point it out in a non-judgmental way. Say &amp;quot;please let's not talk about a colleague like that&amp;quot; and of course saying that it makes you uncomfortable would help too. You can mention some good points about the other person, topics of the conference, or how clear she was or whatever positive thing. If they feel threatened, it is their problem and you can't fix that, but you can certainly make them see it is not cool to talk like that, and then move on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they think she is arrogant and that is why they are being nasty about her, the question is: was she really arrogant? Was she really nasty in some way? Well in that case you could agree with them that she is nasty but that is no way to talk about anyone anyway, NOT COOL, and why would they even want to be with a woman they find nasty in the first place? That is just crazy. So you can say something &amp;quot;What the heck dude, I know she wasn't nice but that is no way to talk about anyone! And also, maybe her bad behavior came from having a bad day, and god knows we all have had one of those! Remember when I -here some experience you had or one of them-?&amp;quot;. And then joke around a different topic. If she on the contrary was a delight, well just tell them &amp;quot;wooow what just happened? when was she anything but nice? -here you can give some examples-&amp;quot; and then close it saying the same as pointed out before, or that it makes you uncomfortable or that this is no way to talk about anyone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they are mere idiots, well just do the same as when they were just goofing around. Say it makes you uncomfortable or whatever, stay in the group a bit more and then just go away. Sadly when someone is being idiotic, sometimes there is nothing you can do. As they say, idiocy doesn't hurt the idiot, it hurts the people around the idiot. The only way to fight idiocy is with literacy, tell them what you think without being judgmental. And then consider, do you want to be around those idiots? Probably not, so walk off after a safe amount of time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they are chauvinistic, it gets tricky. But since rape jokes are never OK, and I think even a chauvinistic person should see that, I would start with that. You could even make a parallel, like &amp;quot;Jason you wouldn't want anyone making such a joke about your daughter&amp;quot;. This kind of men see women as less than human, but that doesn't mean they hate them. It is kind of like with a dog: they wouldn't want anyone being nasty with their dog, so they won't be nasty with someone else's dog. Again it is really hard to change a chauvinistic to non-chauvinistic. In general, this is a behavior rooted in childhood, where even sometimes their own mothers told them wrong. So you can start with the basics, making them be nice and respectful towards women and keep their thoughts to themselves. If they are any smart, in the end they will come to respect the women around them because they will see women are just as bright. But you shouldn't let a chauvinistic person ever get away with their chauvinistic remarks. Never be judgmental, but don't let it pass. And try to get allies that think like you, so you are not the only one who says these things. Don't linger on the topics either. This is a problem that requires a lot of time to be solved, and cannot be done in one shot - it requires steady and unrelenting work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where do I come from? I am a woman that works in a men-dominated field. I have seen all this, I have seen this behavior and others, and also I have seen many ways to handle these problems. And I can tell you, letting them pass has never worked, in general it just gets worse. So what you should consider is the situation and how to address it. It is not the same if someone is being silly as if that someone is being mean. I have also read many books about human behavior and conflict management and even taken a course here and there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope my comments are of help to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8855" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T13:25:06.247" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-23T21:03:54.880" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only way to really get it to stop is to speak up and make it unambivalent that that sort of discussion isn't acceptable. At first, this may take a lot of bravery on your part. You're potentially going to set yourself at odds with someone who's in an alpha position. You may or may not find support from the other men who are around you. I'm doubtful that you're the only one thinking &quot;this isn't appropriate behavior&quot; but wanting to be part of the crowd is a strong urge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's some good guidance in an &lt;a href=&quot;https://hbr.org/2017/02/how-to-respond-to-an-offensive-comment-at-work&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;article from the Harvard Business Review&lt;/a&gt; by Amy Gallo. It largely applies within the workplace but you should be able to adapt their suggestions for other use. They start out by mentioning that your relation to the group being addressed will affect your ability to respond and have a positive outcome:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you’re in a position of power, the stakes are higher. Managers have a responsibility (in some cases a legal one) to make sure no one feels threatened or uncomfortable at work, and &lt;a href=&quot;https://hbr.org/2016/03/women-and-minorities-are-penalized-for-promoting-diversity&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;studies show&lt;/a&gt; that you have more influence if you are not the subject of the bias, says Williams. “When it comes to sexism, for example, men tend to be more persuasive when confronting people. We afford them more credibility because it’s not their ‘game.’”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You’ll also want to consider the person’s authority over you and whether they’re likely to penalize you for speaking up. “Your job security or personal safety may be at risk,” says Czopp. This is especially true if you’re part of a group already subject to bias. &lt;a href=&quot;http://libraryweb.uchastings.edu/library/bibliographies/faculty/Joan-C.-Williams/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Williams’s research&lt;/a&gt; shows that women and people of color get more pushback when they’re assertive. That’s not to say you shouldn’t speak up, but you should be realistic about the consequences of doing so. If your ultimate aim is to keep your job, you may decide to keep quiet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you've considered your situation and you want to speak up... the question now, is how do you respond. The article discusses this, too. It mentions that you should &lt;strong&gt;give the speaker the benefit of the doubt&lt;/strong&gt; - they didn't mean to offend. In the particular situation you're talking about, that's difficult to imagine, but it's worth considering in less overt cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you choose to speak up, &lt;strong&gt;don't accuse them of something&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Be careful not to level accusations. Czopp’s research shows that harsh statements, such as “That’s racist,” resulted in much more defensive reactions. He says that most people have an “exaggerated view” of what these terms mean, so they react strongly: “We think of white supremacists, the KKK, and cross burning — anything that implies that we’re on the same continuum as those things is upsetting.” Williams agrees: “It might feel righteous to call people out, but no one wants to hear that they’re being sexist, racist, or otherwise offensive.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, later in the list of suggestions, they say that in blatant cases, calling it out might be the right choice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Depending on the severity of the offense, you may decide you’re not concerned about the other person’s sense of self, says William: “You may feel that you need to just call it out.” And that’s fine to do as long as you’ve weighed the costs. If the person gets their hackles up and gets defensive, “you’ve now got another piece of information about who this person is,” says Williams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other suggestions for how to respond (there are actually many more of them than I feel like I should include here) are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Explain your reaction to the comment - how it makes you feel&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Ask a question - “What did you mean by that comment?” or “What information are you basing that on?”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Share information - help educate them by offering an observation or more information.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, in a group situation, someone else will pick up on your bravery in responding to this sort of talk and join up with you and this person may realize that that sort of talk isn't welcome. The goal isn't to change that person - that may be impossible. The point is to challenge them so that they realize that their abusive language isn't welcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This applies in pretty much any situation where someone is saying something awful about anyone or any group. It doesn't matter what the person's gender, race, religion, sexual orientation or identification is. This behavior needs to stop and we all need to help each other fight it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone is treated as an object instead of a person, that behavior is inappropriate. Saying someone is beautiful or handsome is fine as long as they're showing respect for them. Turning them into a thing that you're judging based on their looks or &quot;do-ability&quot; is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I read that story the other day and it really bothered me. Not only that it happened but the response from people who were essentially defending the men who were making these jokes. This boys' club, &quot;locker room talk&quot; attitude is disgusting and is the source of many of the various insidious forms of sexism that exist in our culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that, as someone who's looking to speak up, it's important - necessary, even - to do so because I can bet that the woman who overheard that talk wasn't the only one who was uncomfortable but it takes a lot of courage to speak up in that situation, particularly if the people you're interacting with are &lt;em&gt;generally&lt;/em&gt; people who you respect or in a position of authority. The woman in that story, if one of the listeners had spoken up, might not have felt like so much of an outcast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/securitybrew/status/976981774222884866&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;One of the responses&lt;/a&gt; to that Twitter chain really resonates with me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Jake, I agree on so many levels. I've heard  men who are less critical thinkers in #infosec dismiss women speaking out as &quot;flakes&quot;, but if you go to root cause, as you did, it can lead to positive change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We need to get to the point we understand why these sorts of things are considered acceptable so that we can fight them and get them to stop. Letting people know that their behavior will be challenged is a good way to start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2018-03-23T21:03:54.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12277" CreationDate="2018-03-23T22:52:41.753" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Shortly after giving birth to my younger sibling my mother found herself waiting at a bus stop with a woman who she said looked very pregnant. My mom being a naturally social person asked the woman &quot;are you expecting soon?&quot; The woman looked at her silently for a moment and said &quot;am I expecting what soon?&quot; Of course my mom was mortified and profusely apologized which just made the whole thing even more embarrassing for both of them. But it really was not a big deal and she was laughing about it a few hours later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As in your situation a boldly stated false assumption resulted in mutual social discomfort that was heightened by an awkward attempt to make good. There is nothing racist about your remark itself but it is a bit...odd. Do you often assume a person you've never met before is giving you a fake name? It could be that something about this dude being black caused you to subconsciously alter your behavior and act out of character. Or maybe you would have acted exactly the same way had he been, say, Scandinavian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are obviously very aware of this guy's ethnicity and quite concerned that your remarks might be taken as racist. Given that racism in America is ongoing and at some level affects every person in the country I am certain you are not the first white person Mike has met who acted a bit &quot;weird&quot; around him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever the case, the whole episode might have turned out very differently had you caught yourself in time and made a self-deprecating joke about your odd assumption rather than going overboard with the awkward mea culpas. I wouldn't worry about it too much...chalk it up as a learning experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11071" LastEditorUserId="12421" LastEditDate="2018-03-24T15:02:15.873" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T15:02:15.873" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12277" CreationDate="2018-03-23T22:53:00.800" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say first thing is you have to get this idea out of your head of &quot;racist&quot; being some permanent binary thing that either you are or aren't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretty much everyone who grew up in the USA learned as a child to identify and classify people according to the US racial system. The instant they started doing that, the brain &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4141622/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;does what its best at&lt;/a&gt; and starts pattern-matching, and then applying the patterns it learned in real-life situations. There isn't a damn thing you can do to &lt;em&gt;stop&lt;/em&gt; that. You just have to be aware its going on, and do your best to account for it. Own your racism, and be aware of it. Try to steer against it. If you're &lt;em&gt;aware&lt;/em&gt; of it, you can prevent it from guiding your behavior. Its the people who pretend it doesn't exist, and proceed to put no checks on their own responses, who largely make life miserable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be short, its is &lt;strong&gt;behaviors&lt;/strong&gt; that are racist. Calling &lt;em&gt;people&lt;/em&gt; racist is completely unhelpful&lt;sup&gt;*&lt;/sup&gt;. This includes yourself. This is the same as we say about most other things. &lt;em&gt;People&lt;/em&gt; aren't evil, but certain behaviors are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the thing to do from this point is obvious: try to &lt;em&gt;behave&lt;/em&gt; better. I'd say the particular behavior in question was pretty mild by the standards of Southern racism. Also, your status as a racial outsider yourself is likely to grant you some leeway. As an (Asian) Indian you're for the most part totally outside of the traditional Southern US racial system. So if you're willing to continue trying (and try to keep a lid on acting on your assumptions), I don't think the relationship was necessarily irretrievably broken by the small racial mistake you made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;* - Except in those situations where a person is aware of their racism, and totally doesn't care. Or worse yet, tries to stoke it in others. &quot;Supremecist&quot; is usually more accurate here, but &quot;racist&quot; is a lot less jargony and means roughly the same thing.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="5047" LastEditDate="2018-03-24T13:29:17.983" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T13:29:17.983" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12296" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12298" CreationDate="2018-03-24T01:03:46.697" Score="68" ViewCount="16023" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Scenario&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last Thursday I (21 year old male) was in my student union as there was a Drum and Bass Event happening. I went out with a fairly large group, about 8 lads including me and 2 girls. We were all having a great time. I was talking to strangers around me and conversing with a lot of different friendship groups. Basically I was feeling very confident in myself and extroverted. I wouldn't say I was drunk but I was on a good high. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I notice a very out of place guy walking around checking out the women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Reasons&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He wasn't wearing normal clothes for a night out (eg. trackies/jacket).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He was by himself (not that you can't be in a club by yourself but for a Drum and Bass Event, you'd expect people to be dancing).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We held eye contact for a few seconds and he looked at me dull and emotionless, not the look of somebody having a good time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I kept an eye on him and noticed that he approached a woman from behind and started groping her. The woman I believe was with one of her other friends and 4 lads which hadn't noticed yet. Now obviously I knew this was wrong and had to do something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Possible Approaches&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Speak to the woman (pretending I know her) and ask her if she wanted to come get a drink. This way she walks away from the guy, without me having to confront him.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach the guy directly and tell him that what he is doing isn't cool. This could get me into trouble with him and I would have to prepare for confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask if the girl is okay and tell her friends what is going on. This would be a strength in numbers scenario where I wouldn't have to confront the guy alone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Go off and get a bouncer without speaking to the girl before hand.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end I went with choice number 1 and this worked, however the guy did push me which I expected but I didn't react and just walked to the bar. The guy didn't follow and we didn't see him again for the rest of the night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would you say is the best approach for this sort of situation? Do women prefer this approach from other men they don't know or is there a better way for myself to handle it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Location:&lt;/strong&gt; In the United Kingdom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15782" LastEditorUserId="3811" LastEditDate="2018-03-25T09:30:33.173" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T06:45:31.463" Title="Witnessed a woman being abused (groped) in a nightclub" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;sexual-harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12242" CreationDate="2018-03-24T02:13:05.410" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you considered paying her early?  If you pay the rent two days early, then she won't be able to remind you that she needs paid one day prior.  You'll have already paid by then.  If she does remind you, you can remind her that you already paid.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know that it would make much difference to me if my landlord had the money early (I usually pay a week early with a bill pay app).  But if it bothers you, you could always postdate the check.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, this flips things around.  Instead of her reminding you of something that you already knew, you put things on the basis of you having proactively handled it.  And if she does bring it up, it gives you an opportunity to remind her that you already paid.  That shifts the awkwardness to her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T02:13:05.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12296" CreationDate="2018-03-24T02:29:13.013" Score="125" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a clubgoer myself, I commend you for being brave and stepping in for the woman - and I'm also glad to hear that you got nothing more than just a push from that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I would have to say that what you did was quite risky; the best thing to do in this situation is &lt;strong&gt;to tell a bouncer about it&lt;/strong&gt;.  The bouncers then typically find out from the woman whether the man is a friend or boyfriend, and whether his groping was consensual.  If she says no, they'll throw him out really quickly.  It takes &lt;em&gt;seconds&lt;/em&gt; for a team of bouncers to get a situation under control, whereas if you try and take matters into your own hands, you are risking injury and more trouble than is necessary for both you and the woman.  &lt;em&gt;Club security knows their job well&lt;/em&gt;, and you should definitely utilize this resource when there is a need to do so.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An article on nightclub harassment notes that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;it’s against the law to sexually assault anyone verbally or&#xA;  physically — and that includes an arse squeeze. If you&#xA;  can’t see security, find anyone who’s working at the venue and hope&#xA;  that person will notify security.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;realistically, most of us aren’t out clubbing on green tea. Even if&#xA;  you’re high or you’re drunk, you can still report harassment to&#xA;  security. It shouldn’t be an obstacle to you reporting.  It’s not up&#xA;  to the club to play judge and jury. You should still go up and say&#xA;  what happened. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;your priority is to stay&#xA;  safe. If you feel like a situation is escalating, speak to security&#xA;  and stay with your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If club security is not responsive, &lt;strong&gt;call the police&lt;/strong&gt; and confidently explain that the situation has not been dealt with by the bouncers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;http://mixmag.net/feature/what-to-do-if-you-get-sexually-harassed-in-a-nightclub/8&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://mixmag.net/feature/what-to-do-if-you-get-sexually-harassed-in-a-nightclub/8&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="15789" LastEditDate="2018-03-24T08:15:56.557" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T08:15:56.557" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12280" CreationDate="2018-03-24T03:18:26.420" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of asking &quot;How can I help?&quot; please consider ways you could help and suggest it. For example, you might ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What errands can I run for you or your family? For example, what do you need to be picked up or delivered?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What help can I give to help your family thank or notify others? For example, can I address envelopes or make phone calls? Pick up mail? Sort bills or mail?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What help can I give to get your grandparent's home in order? For example, can I help you sort belongings such as books, music, photos, or clothing? Can I help clean rooms by vacuuming, sweeping, dusting, or even washing walls and windows?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, it puts a lot of burden on someone to ask &quot;How can I help&quot;; it's much better for them and for you to suggest specific ways you might help because that triggers ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the ubiquitousness of cell phones, it's possible that he has voice mails from his grandparent. Working with your friend to save those voicemails could be very supportive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When all other ideas have failed me, I print and laminate the obituary so it can be carried in a wallet or used as a bookmark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how these ideas would work in India, but I am hopeful that the ideas have universal aspects that will inspire you and help you bring solace to your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15786" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T03:18:26.420" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12300" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12296" CreationDate="2018-03-24T07:42:00.380" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12298/6808&quot;&gt;D.Hutchinson's answer&lt;/a&gt;, I think you handled the situation quite well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, to make your approach more generally applicable, I'd suggest you to step in &lt;em&gt;with your group of friends&lt;/em&gt;. I found myself in your situation once, with the big differences that the gropers were two (on two girls) and &lt;em&gt;I am a girl&lt;/em&gt; (not particularly strong either), so no brute-force approach available for me. What I did was to rapidly spread the information about the two guys to my group of friends. Immediately after, we surrounded the girls, &quot;casually&quot; enclosing them in our circle while dancing with them. We asked them if they were OK and and told them that they could stay with us as long as they wanted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, &lt;strong&gt;don't go alone&lt;/strong&gt;. Confront the guy(s) with other people, ideally with a group. In the meantime, one person of the group can go and &lt;strong&gt;tell a bouncer&lt;/strong&gt; about him/them. This way, you won't lose sight of the guy in case he moves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T07:42:00.380" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12280" CreationDate="2018-03-24T07:56:55.017" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even elders try to put up a strong face but they might be fragile inside. And your friend is still is teenager. These are the things you can do to support him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stay by his side, always and whenever possible.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't say anything. Only listen to him. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lend a hand in the chores. Rituals are those times when even one extra  person helping would make a lot of difference. Do what is in your limits. When you are at the place, and you start helping, people will notice you and engage you more. This way  you can lessen the burden on him or you can both share the work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Eat along with him at least for one meal of the day, ask if you can stay for that night.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly, just be with him. That would mean a lot to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastEditorUserId="2969" LastEditDate="2018-03-24T09:52:38.037" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T09:52:38.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12302" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12255" CreationDate="2018-03-24T08:35:05.143" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You didn't mention how they brought the book to you - specifically, did they actually ask you for any feedback? Unsolicited feedback is usually unwanted. If they show no indication of actually wanting critical feedback, then they probably do not want it and are not expecting it from you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they were actually wanting the kind of feedback you want to give, they would say something that acknowledged your expertise and specifically requested help, and acknowledged that you might feel uncomfortable giving criticism, like: &quot;We know you have an academic background. What do you think we could do to improve this book? Please be brutally honest&quot;. I'm guessing from the question they did not say this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all they said was, &quot;Hey, we wrote this book!&quot;, that's a request for shared social celebration, not feedback. So while you believe their project would benefit from editing, they didn't actually ask for your opinion about it, and it's not your responsibility to give people help they didn't ask for and don't show the self-awareness that they need (as in, they didn't say, &quot;Here's our draft, it needs a lot of editing, but what do you think of the ideas&quot;--this would show that self-awareness).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they said something with ambiguous scope like, 'What do you think?' tread carefully, as they could just not know any other way to ask for celebration, but still not actually want critical feedback. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, give them your best guess about what they consciously want in sharing it with you, rather than your idea of what the project &quot;needs&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, if their audience for the book is not academic, the grammar mistakes may not actually be a problem. If their audience is people with their same level of education and from the same culture, it might actually be fine. So you might ask them what their plans are for the book before determining that it can't succeed as it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15790" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T08:35:05.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-24T09:36:09.700" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: What can someone in the group (obviously not the alpha guy) do, to make sure the rest of the group isn't tricked into thinking this is the proper way to talk about women?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: My suggestion would be to directly indicate that you think that the behaviour is unacceptable and confront it, but in a low-attack mode giving him the some benefit of the doubt by saying something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That sounds like a sexist (/racist/homophobic/...) comment, but I&#xA;  assume that you do not want to be a sexist person. So what is the&#xA;  difference between your comment and a sexist comment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This put him in a position where&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the focus is on him and his actions, not you as a protester&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;his behaviour is clearly marked as unacceptable&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he is allowed to defend himself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he is expected to defend himself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how the conversation continues, you might want to change the subject to something else using a technique I just &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9953/how-do-i-gently-reject-an-indecent-proposal/9971#comment39788_9971&quot;&gt;recently learned&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regarding blatant subject changes, I had a friend that used to use the&#xA;  segue, &quot;Speaking of changing the subject... [insert completely&#xA;  different topic here.]&quot; It usually drew a laugh while also leaving&#xA;  absolutely no room for ambiguity about not wanting to continue the&#xA;  current subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1797" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T09:36:09.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11861" CreationDate="2018-03-24T14:50:43.533" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds to me as though &lt;em&gt;this is your parents money, not yours&lt;/em&gt; and when looking at it from that perspective the answer to &quot;how can I tell my mum that I should manage that money&quot; becomes: &lt;strong&gt;Don't, your parents have the right to spend their money how they want. To buy things like games or condoms you should either get a job or suffer through asking your parents.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a distinct difference between giving that money to you, and putting that money away safe and promising to give it to you when you are older or if you need it. From your comment &lt;em&gt;&quot;It's money that my family gave me and money that I collect for future things and can't go into my pocket&quot;&lt;/em&gt; it sounds like at the time they 'gave' you the money, it was theirs (not yours) and so really they can put whatever restrictions on THAT money they want. In this case they chose to promise you that you would get the money when you are older, or where they deem it worthwhile. This money is not yours to do with what you want, it is theirs and they are letting you use it, putting that money in a box is only symbolism for how it is promised to you, and also possibly convenient so they don't have to keep track. If you want to use that money, then I do not see any &lt;em&gt;reasonable&lt;/em&gt; way to do that other than by following the condition on which your parents promised to give it to you (convince them it is worthwhile). I don't see how this has anything to do with being perceived as childish, giving people money on certain conditions exists everywhere in the adult world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This advice is mostly based around my personal experiences earning, spending and making money related decisions. When I was younger I even had similar agreements with my own parents. Cases of them saying to 10 year old me &quot;if you promise to clean your room you can have this $5 to can go buy an ice cream and then bring me the change&quot; all the way having recently moved out, and the number of students I was tutoring dropped right down so they said &quot;we will pay your rent for one month because we don't want you to be sleeping on the street, but you will have to find another job by then&quot;. In each of these cases it is clear that the money was not mine to use as I wanted, the money was theirs and they just happened to be spending it on me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If something that costs money is important for you to get then like everyone else you will have to find a way to get that money or suffer without. You are fortunate enough that your parents have a sum of money that they promised to give to you, and that they will give if you need. If asking them is too hard for you then get a job and earn your own money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T07:28:32.543" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T07:28:32.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-24T15:28:23.923" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Usually there is a code of conduct at these conferences.  I would not embarrass anyone, but maybe pull someone aside and point it out that they were making the atmosphere unwelcoming.  I have heard a lot of racist things intended to be heard within earshot at some of these conferences and just stopped going.  It was not enjoyable to be there.  That's another option, vote with your feet and watch the broadcast online.  I know the conference of which you are speaking. There was not enough fun to be had for the micro-aggressions.  Easier to watch it online without the drama.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15798" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T15:28:23.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-24T16:08:02.470" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;To extend Peter's answer, you can also say &quot;I don't think you really believe that&quot; or &quot;You're better than that&quot; to help them save face and pose the situation as they went too far with their &quot;act&quot;. But don't pose it as a question &quot;Do you really believe that?&quot; because that would invite a discussion, as well as sound like an accusation and doubt on your part. You don't want that to happen if your goal is to stop this kind of talk and change the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="210" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T16:08:02.470" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12310" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12315" CreationDate="2018-03-24T16:31:27.667" Score="0" ViewCount="1285" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I bought a gift for my friend who I also have a crush on, he is not aware of this fact. I purchased the gift &lt;strong&gt;that he chose&lt;/strong&gt; 8 months ago, since then he has made no effort to meet me in order for me to hand him this gift. Excuses have often been related to him having a lot of work. That said I have noticed that he is meeting up with other friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Issue&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously I feel bad about this, because I put so much effort, not to mention money into the gift that I purchased for him. I don't feel as though I should give him the present anymore, as I feel both disappointed and ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Interpersonal problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that I no longer want to hand him the gift, but knowing that he is aware that I have bought a gift for him, how do I handle this situation without seeming as though I am ridiculous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15801" LastEditorUserId="15801" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T17:38:00.180" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T17:38:00.180" Title="Gift giving avoidance when individual has been avoiding me" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-22T22:43:05.580" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12277" CreationDate="2018-03-24T20:02:06.650" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Was there any reason for you to think that his name was something not Anglicized?  Did he have an accent which suggested that English was not his native language?  Was he talking about his recent ancestry in a way which suggested that he had a non–Anglicized name?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you could've done in that situation was to be less boisterous — but, meh.  Maybe they don't like you; maybe they never really did.  If you see them again, then try not to be so imposing on them.  Limit your amiability to cheerful waves or greetings — but don't seem too eager to strike up conversations.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I agree with some others who think that, if their later absence had anything to do with you, it was because they simply tired of the conversation or of your harping on with repeating an apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you didn't mention “racist” in your apology.  Maybe they thought you were, maybe they didn't but thought that you thought that you were — whew!  Maybe it never occurred to them that “racism” factored into this at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the real dilemma:  What do you think “racism” is?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Is it unreasonable stereotyping — i.e. presuming aspects of a person's character as if they were manufactured in batches?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There is really too much there for me to bog–down my answer discussion such presumption.  Only one thing matters, methinks, for your unease:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't think about &lt;em&gt;being&lt;/em&gt; racist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem here is not that you were racist — it isn't even that you misinterpreted a hesitation to supply you with a name at your request.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The problem is that you seem to fear being seen as a racist.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are bad things — m'kay:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;superficial understanding of anything — people, society, philosophy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;animosity and malice for trivial or downright irrelevant reasons&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;callously casual cruelty — ostracizing people simply because it is more convenient for you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those things are problems, and I am concerned with them because they are detrimental to love and compassion.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As for me, I don't care whether anybody thinks I am a “racist” because I am not a “racist”; if they think that I am, then they should explain to me what it is that actually bothers them and I'll see what I can do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I go out of my way to be amiable with someone, I do so because I think the person has been given the cold shoulder or has been mistreated.  Sometimes their superficial appearances had something to do with that, but not from me:  I don't make efforts so that I do not appear “racist”, but if someone else happened to be so, and that was what caused the person to look like they need a friend …&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Et c.  I am aware that some people wear their ethnicity on their skin — pardon the facetiousness, — but I try to help the overall environment by not being obvious about that stuff.  Honestly, I am more often bothered at the expectations of deliberate ‘unracism’ when I interact with strangers who have some ethnic differences from me:  I'd rather that people were more comfortable, and less supposing the worst, about such things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does this rambling diatribe help in any way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastActivityDate="2018-03-24T20:02:06.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12312" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-24T20:47:16.623" Score="2" ViewCount="386" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently moved to a foreign country and I made a small group of friends using a Whatsapp group chat. I also happened to have birthday next month after I moved here and invited them all. Since I am not close friend to anybody, nobody bought me a present but she still bought me a present and I was very grateful to her to receive at least one birthday present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now her birthday was recently and to prepare myself I bought her a present (nothing big). On her birthday, I learnt she is not celebrating it because she is having exams and probably going to celebrate later. It's been a month and doesn't look like she is going to celebrate this year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it is just a social group, we usually meet at public places. I have never yet visited her, nor know her address, so I cannot parcel the present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be an appropriate way to give the present to her to express my gratitude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12904" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2018-03-25T07:26:17.930" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T09:17:37.193" Title="How can I give a friend a present I brought her some time after her birthday?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-03-26T00:52:39.677" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12312" CreationDate="2018-03-24T22:43:15.663" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have contact with her on WhatsApp so tell her you got her a present and would like to give it to her. Ask for either an address to deliver it, or a place to meet up to hand it over. You can even let her know you will be there to celebrate properly with the rest of the group after her exams but that you wanted to give her the present now anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears you are thinking that a birthday present should only be given at a formal party, but this really isn't necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the type of relationship you have, she may not wish to give you her address, so that could rule out the first one. And if she is wary of meeting people alone, then a public place allows it to be a low pressure environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't over think it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastEditorUserId="98" LastEditDate="2018-03-25T09:17:37.193" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T09:17:37.193" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12310" CreationDate="2018-03-24T23:05:40.753" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I bought a gift for my friend who I also have a crush on, he is not aware of this fact&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh he knows it I would dare to conjecture. On that premise I would suggest to you that the reason he is avoiding you is because he does not want to encourage you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very uncomfortable for someone when a friend has a crush on them and that someone is not interested in a &quot;relationship&quot; with that friend. Your gift to him is simply an unwanted advance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Given that I no longer want to hand him the gift, but knowing that he is aware that I have bought a gift for him, how do I handle this situation without seeming as though I am ridiculous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You actually can't without looking a little ridiculous. Because you would still be something less then straight forward about things. It doesn't really matter what you do with the gift. What really matters is whether or not you lay drama on him about what you did with the gift, including if what you did was give it to him. Because what your gift is about (IMHO) is not giving your friend a gift that they will appreciate, but giving a friend a gift so they will notice you and like you more. You're trying to get something for yourself in other words, and your friend may not be feeling &quot;it&quot; with you so there you go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The gift, it seems to me, is an unwanted advance on your part. Advances are fine, it is how we up the levels of our relationships with people. But when they prove to be unwanted, it's time to let the notion of a more meaningful relationship with someone go. Time to gracefully move on emotionally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel very bad because I put so much effort and money into the gift. what can I do if he now tries to schedule a meeting?*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*this was quoted from OPs original version since edited out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering what I wrote before, this may sound like strange advice. But if you understood what I was trying to convey: You will go and give him the gift. And a hug, and show him that you like him, and have a really great time with him, and who knows where it could go from there. &lt;strong&gt;Just get over the BS with him&lt;/strong&gt;. The reasons he could have been avoiding you are not only what I conjectured before, they could be his shyness about opening up to you or any number of reasons. But whatever the reason, good or bad for you, accept that. If it's bad, he just met to tell you to stay away, own your own emotions about it, don't lay it on him. He would be doing an honorable thing by being honest with you, helping you to resolve this thing, and especially by not taking advantage of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T00:16:21.157" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T00:16:21.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="291" CreationDate="2018-03-25T02:05:09.270" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't try to downplay the situation and pretend that it didn't happen. That just increases tensions and hard feelings. The person is going to find out exactly what happened when they wake up. White lies in social situations are like regular lies. They solve a problem temporarily but create a bigger problem for you to deal with later on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the person puts their head on your shoulder, just calmly push their head back up. When they wake up just say &quot;It seems that you started to fall over. Don't worry about it&quot; and maintain a cheerful atitude. You can offer to swap seats if your seat has something to lean on. It's not your job to ensure that the person is able to sleep comfortably while falling all the way over. You can if you want to be really nice but you don't have to do this! This also can make the person feel worse if they later find out that they were falling over on to somebody for a long time before you did something about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people seem to have a self victimizing attitude. They'll let something like this go on for an hour before finally doing something about it. Deep inside they want the person who fell asleep on them to feel really bad about it. They also want to have something to complain about. The longer the agony of dealing with the sleeping person the bigger the sob story. Please don't be this kind of person. If somebody does this kind of thing to me (me being the sleeper), I always call them out on it! You could have said something sooner is what I say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11683" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T02:05:09.270" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12319" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12312" CreationDate="2018-03-25T07:58:18.487" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best approach would be to contact her on WhatsApp tell her you got her a present and was waiting until she celebrated her birthday to give it to her, but since it's been a month you decided to give it to her personally better and just plan to meet her and give her the gift, have a coffee/beer and discuss life. This will strengthen the relationship between both of you and you being in a  foreign country it really pays off to have close friends to confide in etc... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on experience living abroad in several countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15816" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T07:58:18.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12320" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12327" CreationDate="2018-03-25T14:36:37.107" Score="58" ViewCount="24475" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know I am close to OCD about being averse to clutter.  I put things away in their designated drawer or shelf, or throw (or give) them away if we are  unlikely to use them again.  That is, I am a neatnik to extremes, I admit it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a couple of in-laws who repeatedly say things like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your house is so sterile!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I like a house to look lived in!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Poor (name of my husband), everything gets picked up as soon as it is put down!  (This is an exaggeration.  The pick-up happens after something has been lying there, unused, for several days.)  How does he ever find things!?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband comes from a family of -- there is no other word -- slobs.  Their houses may be clean, I don't know, because I have never disturbed, or commented on, their clutter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I shut these people up?  I don't much like them to begin with, so if I offend them, I don't care.  I repeat, if I offend them, I don't care. They have been offending me for years on this topic, and I am fed up.  I tried once saying I preferred a house that look died in, but they have no sense of humor about themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answers so far, have me starting off by being pleasant, apologetic, saying I am sorry if they feel unwelcome by the &quot;sterility&quot; of my house, advising me not to be defensive or get into a &quot;my way vs your way discussion&quot; and even to say that they are hurting my feelings!  What I am in search of is an answer/retort that falls a few notches short of saying &quot;If you don't like my house, you know where the door is&quot; and is preferably cutting and witty.  As for their motivation, they criticize (almost) everyone, not just me; it's their favorite sport.  What I have done is say &quot;Really!&quot; in an incredulous tone of voice and quickly change the subject.  That works, for that visit, but I am fed up with this obligatory prelude.  I thank the answerers for the thought they have put into this, but their end points, which are good, are about where my start point is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarification: People are assuming I am much younger than I am, and am talking about my MIL.  The in-laws are of my and my husband's generation.      &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Culture: middle class, everyone is highly educated, US, BosWash Corridor).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T01:21:06.640" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T20:00:52.027" Title="How to shut someone up while being only moderately offensive when they incessantly criticize my house?" Tags="&lt;in-laws&gt;&lt;criticism&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12296" CreationDate="2018-03-25T14:54:05.447" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the woman was in a situation she could not handle by herself, for example he was holding her while she was trying to escape or she was sleeping then you should be doing something (be it directly or calling someone else). Otherwise you should let her deal with the situation by herself. From the scene you described seens she was totally capable of dealing with the situation by calling a bouncer or just telling him to get off for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you react too fast you can even end up being falsely accused of molesting women in the case she didn't see who did it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4897" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T14:54:05.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-25T14:58:16.270" Score="93" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your end goal is to get these comments to stop.  So I'd start there.  it doesn't need to get into a comparison with others;  it's about making this &lt;em&gt;stop&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take pride in your house.   Don't be defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes,  this is our house.   We like it this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And be confident in that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: It's sterile...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: It's our house.   I'm sorry you feel that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it really gets bad,  I'd suggest maybe adding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is how we live and we like it.   I don't comment on your housekeeping; I'd appreciate it if you don't comment on mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no need to engage in arguments.   I'd suggest just letting people know you've had enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, if that doesn't work, then roll up the welcome mat. Quit inviting ingracious guests into to your house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T11:30:18.820" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12323" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-25T15:19:15.803" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;In order to know how to reply, it helps to know the motivation behind the comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might be saying &quot;I feel unwelcome, that I am disturbing this environment by putting my purse on your table or setting down this glass of water I haven't finished drinking.&quot; If that's the way you think they feel, you can reply with reassuring things like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know it can look empty at times; I'm happy to have you and your stuff here today. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might be saying &quot;I bet when you come to my house you judge me like crazy and you think my house should be like this and I am lazy, but I'm not, I like my house&quot;. Here you can (if it's true) reveal some of your struggle,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I actually like that too, in other people's houses, but here I can't let things stay for more than a day or two. You know, it's my issue, I have to put things away and I can't get to that lived-in look that's so welcoming at your house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might be saying &quot;I think your weirdness is a form of mistreatment towards our relative&quot;. You can nip that in the bud,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Husband] never complains - after all, he never has to tidy, and no matter where he leaves things, by the time he's forgotten where he left them, he doesn't have to remember, because they are where they belong! [Laugh, as though this is a joke or exaggeration, even though it isn't.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might be trying to change you by showing a &quot;bad&quot; side of your habits, as though it had not yet occurred to you. You can argue with that if you like, or push back,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wouldn't say sterile exactly, but I know it's my own style. This is how I have to have things, and while some days I wish I could relax and leave things where they fall, I just can't. It's not a choice or a judgement, it's just how I am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you have tried several of these on different visits and nothing is happening, then go meta,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It hurts my feelings when you criticize my house. I know I am different from most people in this way. I never judge anyone who is able to keep a more relaxed house, or tell them to be more like me. I would really like you to stop commenting on the way I keep my house. It hurts me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point you still haven't been offensive, you haven't said anything unpleasant about them or their house or the way your husband was raised, but you've been direct. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From then on, comments like that can either get no response at all, or if they are phrased as a question and can't be ignored, or are repeated,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've told you before that the way I keep my house isn't something I'm ok with being criticized about or discussing. [Change subject firmly.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Habits will take a long time to overcome. That's why I want you to start by thinking about where they are coming from, which is almost certainly a place of mild fear or shame about their own clutter and mess, to help you feel less attacked and be able to respond serenely to comments that are quite clearly inappropriate and wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T15:19:15.803" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12141" CreationDate="2018-03-25T15:39:41.147" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also have problem defending myself when someone lashes out at me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Go for a walk and let your partner calm down&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution, when I deemed the situation too extreme, was to say something along:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't like you screaming at me/insulting me. I'll go for a walk, we both calm down and then we can talk about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often ran into situations like this - we were moving and it has been stressful for both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After I returned from the walk, we both had time to think about the issue, and if there was a way to solve it, we both had it figured out by then and the argument was gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is probably the best solution when the situation is overwhelming. If you don't leave, one of you is soon gonna say something you're both going to regret. This also sends very strong signal to your partner, that you can't psychically stand such behavior - and after all, you &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; shouldn't have to, ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1954" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T15:39:41.147" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12325" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-25T17:35:01.703" Score="7" ViewCount="1447" Body="&lt;p&gt;A very close friend of mine, let's call him David, in his mid-thirties has just (1 year and a half) recovered from a very hard and horrifying for his environment state of drug abuse and isolation that lasted more than 10 years in a culminating manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a strong physique (former martial arts athlete) and a preference for vigilance-inducing drugs he was not easy to cope with. Things got very tense as the drugs started causing him hallucinations with a more lasting effect and with violent outbursts, which had legal backfires to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now after a close relative of his took him with her, David has been reducing the drugs he uses, to the point that I think that now he is not using them at all (more because he realized that they started making him really freak out and less in respect of others). His abstaining was accompanied with an effort to learn to play music (he played the guitar as a teen), which now takes almost all of his day. He is trying to learn different instruments at the same time and he really tries hard, attending classes for mandolin and percussion and spending many hours practicing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is that my wife has been playing mandolin since she was a kid and when we all meet, he tries to &lt;s&gt;check his progress with her&lt;/s&gt; &lt;em&gt;get a compliment for his progress from her&lt;/em&gt;. But what my wife thinks is that his mandolin teacher, a woman younger than him, is approaching him in an understandable at some point but insincere way, not telling him the truth about his progress, not giving him basic guidance when he clearly lacks it, guiding him to practice stuff he is the least capable to practice, suggesting that he would be helped if he bought a better instrument, when she doesn't even tell him to clean his instrument, almost umplayble from dirt on the strings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is clear that David has shown mistrust for her competency, trying to use tricks he sees in youtube that can by no means truly handle, or he has made her feel awkward, requesting that she plays stuff she hasn't practiced etc and in general he seems impatient and trying to achieve more than reasonably possible (like trying to make up at once for all the time gone) and even the thing with the new mandolin purchase could easily be something he suggested. That is why I called her behaviour understandable at some point, she clearly doesn't want to confront him with the truth or to put pressure on him and herself or she feels frightened by him, so she gives completely random lessons, with exercises in books highly advanced, and seemingly she just lets him do whatever he wants as long as she keeps her lesson (its a private music school).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So while David has made some progress (he exercises many many hours and that would happen either way) it is clear that his mandolin lesson is a complete waste of time. My wife vaguely made some hints for the whole thing but his frustation caused her to stop and the next time she avoided telling him what she thought (kind of like his teacher).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is that in his other lesson he seems to be getting it better. The percussion teacher is a man and it seems that he is getting David to start from basic stuff, &lt;s&gt;which is hard for David but he is handling it&lt;/s&gt; &lt;em&gt;which is hard for David because he has to try very hard and not in the way he was used to (to do the things as he wishes, like playing along youtube songs without listening the least to what he is playing or playing a song at whatever tempo as if music is all about speed and nothing else). The percussion teacher has imposed some methodology on him and David is getting very slow results (but he is getting them) instead of a progress that is mostly in his head.&lt;/em&gt; I guess as a man his percussion teacher is not that much worried to confront him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So&lt;/strong&gt; I would like to say or give a hint to David about his mandolin progress and his lesson, because I believe he is kinda getting deceived. How could I do that in a way that will help him go on (perhaps with a better teacher) and not hurt his feelings or utterly frustrate him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Thank you for your answers so far. I rephrased some things to make some points mentioned more clear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10740" LastEditorUserId="1798" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T10:25:21.180" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T13:05:06.303" Title="How can I tell someone who's in a vulnerable state the truth?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;responsibility&gt;&lt;bad-news&gt;&lt;substance-abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-25T18:11:57.313" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short version&lt;/strong&gt;: Shift the conversation toward the subject's feelings and worthiness of respectful treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Humans will almost always resist and defend against external correction, resorting to counterattack if other avenues are not left open.  Particularly for someone without power or authority, the best approach is usually to stage an environment that allows people optimal opportunity to change their own minds, with just enough of a push to ensure they consciously notice that opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still want a balance closer to direct confrontation than oblique redirection, I would suggest presenting a role-reversal situation: &quot;Perhaps she would prefer &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; be on the receiving end of that exchange;&quot; or dropping the hypothetical context: &quot;Is that the kind of treatment you believe women enjoy?&quot;  This is an approach likely to reach your shared audience, but not the original speaker, at whom you are still directing a personal attack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'd have to be good at reading the room to find the right tone, but could potentially corner the alpha into sympathizing with the object of his attention as a real human being.  Successful or not, it also presents beta-types an opportunity to switch sides at less personal risk&amp;mdash;particularly if you take a humorous tone that allows them to participate in turning the joke on its author.  &quot;Given the choice, I bet she'd rather ____ &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; in the ___.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The humorous approach is more subtle, cowardly, and crude, but also easier.   It closely matches the existing tone of conversation and leaves a lot of room to avoid reflecting on the appropriateness of prior statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The key characteristic in whatever you say should be that it &lt;em&gt;re-humanizes&lt;/em&gt; the subject of their conversation.&lt;/strong&gt;  This is how you avoid giving the speaker inclination or even opening to defend or excuse their statements.  Give the speaker and their audience the idea of considering the subject's feelings on their own, rather than putting their backs up by directly pointing out their fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15824" LastEditorUserId="15824" LastEditDate="2018-03-25T18:26:04.383" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T18:26:04.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12327" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-25T18:20:41.357" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask a pointed rhetorical question &lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;When do I ever tell you how to organize your house?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm happy when you come over, but do you really have to constantly&#xA;  criticize our home?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like rhetorical questions, because it's a way of expressing something without explicitly doing so. Also, there's a large variety of styles of delivery in making them, you can be tongue-in-cheek, slightly sarcastic, etc. Even if delivered in a good-natured way the receiver will still get the message of the content. I think light-hearted but stern assertions will get the message across, and hopefully be taken in good spirits by all parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15825" LastEditorUserId="2002" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T20:56:14.840" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T20:56:14.840" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-25T20:25:36.750" Score="83" Body="&lt;p&gt;Finally, an IPS question with some balls!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's time for the best in-law insults of them all: passive-aggressive backhanded compliments*!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your house is so sterile!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Haha, yes, I guess compared to &lt;em&gt;yours&lt;/em&gt; it would look that way!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you mean by that!?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Oh nothing, just that you seem to have a much more &amp;quot;free range&amp;quot; policy going on, I imagine Basra would look pretty sterile by comparison.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moving on&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like a house to look lived in!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes, I like mine to look lived in as well, although I like it to look like actual people live in it, not a herd of wildebeests.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What? My house doesn't look like that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Oh no, I don't mean &lt;em&gt;yours&lt;/em&gt; of course, but you see &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; people's and it is like they don't even care.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next up&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...How does he ever find things!?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Well, it's rather easy really, it's either where he left it or it's where it is kept. I bet if you name a single thing in this house I could tell you where it is?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;[Hopefully she'll pick something, if she does either tell her where it is or make it up, she won't know anyway]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ok, my turn! Do you know where your hairbrush / ironing board / mirror / breath mints are? I'm willing to bet you don't!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are you implying?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What? Oh nothing, just that these are things I've found if not kept tidied away tend to grow legs and disappear!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;*Ok, so these aren't all strictly compliments.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick is to insult her without being directly insulting. You do this by implying things, as obviously as possible, and then shrugging it off with an &amp;quot;Oh no, not you of course&amp;quot; if you get called out on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turn it into a game, see just how much you can get away with before they throw a strop, it sounds like she is already playing and she is winning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do get really annoyed and stop visiting then I get the impression they won't be missed! Declare yourself the winner and pour yourself an extra large Prosecco to celebrate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Bonus Content!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This post, and the people who upvoted it, have helped me achieve my first ever &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/help/badges/41/mortarboard?userid=8179&quot;&gt;Mortarboard achievement&lt;/a&gt;. As thanks, here are some additional tips on how to insult your in-laws, &lt;em&gt;nicely&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned, &lt;strong&gt;implying things, not saying them,&lt;/strong&gt; is at the core of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the comments someone has suggested following through with a sarcastic &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;Oh gee, I'm already glad we invited you over&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; since we're halfway there anyway, however, this misses the subtle nuances needed to be insulting yet friendly at the same time. &lt;strong&gt;It is too direct, leaves no wiggle room and no space for the in-laws to fill in the blanks.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like a wily temptress, you must lean in with your insult, close enough for them to feel it prickling up the hairs on the back of their neck, building an angry passion inside of them, but you must leave them to make the final move of connecting what you are saying to them. And when they do, when the passion inside them is too much for them to handle, and they start to lean back, that is when you whip it away, leaving them spurned and unsatisfied!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It needs 2 parts to work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The blatantly obvious implied insult,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The deflection to less obviously implied targets (which is them and your plausible ‘intended’ meaning).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take my examples thus far: &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;compared to yours it would look that way.&lt;/strong&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We aren’t saying that one is better than the other, we are just saying that they are comparably different. Then we compare their place to Basra, just in case they didn’t get it the first time. However, we also say &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;you seem to have a much more &amp;quot;free range&amp;quot; policy going on&lt;/strong&gt;&amp;quot;, we take the focus away from &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt; and place it on something else, &lt;em&gt;the policy&lt;/em&gt;, we aren’t attacking them, we are attacking &lt;em&gt;the policy&lt;/em&gt;, they aren’t untidy slobs who wouldn’t know a Dust Buster if you busted them over the head with it, &lt;em&gt;THE POLICY&lt;/em&gt; is an untidy one which they could change if they wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same with the wildebeest and meaning other people; same with the breath mints and small objects being hard to find.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A sarcastic &amp;quot;Oh gee, I'm already glad we invited you over&amp;quot; doesn’t have that crucial second part, they’ll make the connection on the first part, that you aren’t actually glad, but it can only be targeted at them, &lt;strong&gt;you’ve leaned in and planted it directly on their lips and now you can’t get out of it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just remember: imply and deflect, imply and deflect, eventually they may grow weary of it and properly ‘have it out’ with you. This is your opportunity to get things off your chest and tell them what you don’t like about their behaviour during their visits. Or you could continue to insult them. Both are good choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8179" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T15:36:17.970" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-25T21:52:55.097" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I shut these people up? I don't much like them to begin with, so if I offend them, I don't care. I repeat, if I offend them, I don't care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They are not going to shut up.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also said they seem to live to criticize, I think that that reinforces that they are not going to shut up. Other answers suggested that they are trying to deflect from their own messy place, and that is very true. Indeed I would guess we could take that to another level and say they criticize lots of people and things because of general insecurity about themselves in the same type of context that they do with you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some others suggested that they are uncomfortable in the super clean environment that they are not used to. Might be true, but I am not reading that in your question, I am getting they're little people trying to feel better about themselves by bringing others down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer here is on the premise that they are generally insecure about some things, and that their general compulsion is to be critical of behaviors that they do not share with people so they do not feel bad about some parts of themselves. It BTW does not make these people bad people, it is something we all do at one level or the other. And while it makes people kind of irritating and hard to get along with at times, the real downside is that this behavior really keeps some people from owning their own problems, and when you don't own a problem you're never going to be able to fix it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to suggest that when they come and start in with their passive aggressive remarks about your home, with a dismayed, angry, offended look on your face you simply convey &quot;whatever&quot; in all its absolute glory and nuanced meaning. Rinse and repeat as necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't appease them, don't apologize to them, don't engage them with their criticism. You own your space here, it is a good space, you are proud of it, it is a reflection of a good quality in you. If they don't like your space nobody should care, especially you. In other words you simply refuse to let your in-laws deflect their problems onto you. You know deflection as the favorite tool of alcoholics and others to avoid owning up to their problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this may or may not solve your problem of getting them to shut up. But I would suggest that if they are not getting anything out of their critique that it may slow down or stop entirely, at least as far as your clean house goes. They will likely find some other thing to critique with you. And your response should likely be the same. Eventually they may stop talking to you altogether, that might be good I don't know. But whatever, you don't own the in-laws problems, you can't fix them, you're not obligated to enable them, you own your space, and if they don't like it, whatever, it's not your problem. Your response should convey this if you want them to eventually shut up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also there is an alternate tactic as demonstrated in &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=breaking%20bad%20shut%20up%20scene&amp;amp;view=detail&amp;amp;mid=86C6419E2966E5E7772486C6419E2966E5E77724&amp;amp;FORM=VIRE&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this video&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T01:19:06.580" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T01:19:06.580" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-25T22:47:26.630" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I miss an effective strategy noted so far which I also use myself and which avoids trying to interact with the perpetrators.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make a conspicous noise: Put your glass down, shift your chair noisily backwards, cough strongly. It is not important what exactly it is, it's just so that the perpetrators notice you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Then move away from them while avoiding eye contact, &lt;em&gt;simply signaling with your body that they are the reason you are moving&lt;/em&gt;. No verbal reproach or remark, it is not necessary, they understand the message which you can verify because they stop talking for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It avoids all those issues of social rank, being a moral teacher or interrupting a conversation (Are we talking to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;?). The thing is that in a group setting people try to socialize and ostracism &lt;em&gt;is noticed strongly&lt;/em&gt; in such a setting, even by a non-group member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The crux is that the whole thing is a paradoxon: Those people who notice such things, think about it and try making it better are the &lt;em&gt;last persons&lt;/em&gt; who should actually care about it and the persons who really should care about it are the very problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you should be aware of: The trigger was a twitter thread where a man explains that a woman explained to him what she noticed from other people. That are two levels of indirection, &lt;em&gt;only base your behavior on things you are directly observing or being told by one person directly (and even then carefully)&lt;/em&gt;. Don't base your indignation on something you have heard only indirectly, you risk being burned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastActivityDate="2018-03-25T22:47:26.630" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12333" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T00:13:16.403" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Chances are they truly don't realize the pain they're causing you. They're completely blind to what you're feeling, and they might even think that they're being funny, which they aren't obviously. So the way to make them realize is to communicate it to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what you could say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Guys, I don't know if you realize it, but everytime you say a comment&#xA;  like that, it really hurts me because that's the way I am, and I don't&#xA;  know if you realize that you're criticizing me by criticizing&#xA;  my house. I don't find it funny at all, and I would really appreciate&#xA;  if you don't make comments of this nature anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are decent human beings, they will answer: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We really didn't realize it bothered you this way, and we're really&#xA;  sorry. We're going to keep an eye on this and try to avoid making more&#xA;  comments like these. We thought it was funny. Sorry again, appreciate you telling us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, they will undermine what you said, make a joke out of it, ignore it, continue the comments. In that case, then you simply have to be more assertive. Here's how you can take it up a notch:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know if I was clear last time when I said I really felt&#xA;  disrespected everytime you made jokes on my house. We must have better&#xA;  things to talk about than making fun of my house and habits. As I said&#xA;  I won't tolerate that, I don't find it funny at all.  Those comments and&#xA;  jokes have to stop, otherwise I don't want to say that, but you guys&#xA;  really don't need to come if you don't like it here. I hope I'm being&#xA;  clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2809" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T00:13:16.403" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T01:21:43.367" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like the direct approach.  Since you're not that concerned with keeping good relations with the in-laws, it only makes it easier to say this with the right tone. The next time they make a thinly-veiled insult:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your comments about my housekeeping are getting really &lt;em&gt;tiresome&lt;/em&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they start to look like they are not taking you seriously:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...No, really. I've tried to be nice. I've tried to give you the&#xA;  benefit of the doubt that you're not making underhanded insults. But&#xA;  I'm at the point where I really can't take it any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now put them on the spot for an answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I rely on you to stop making these sort of comments about my&#xA;  housekeeping?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point they are likely to backpedal and comment that they were only joking, etc. That's fine.  But don't let them avoid the question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's all well and good.  Thank you for telling me. Can I rely on&#xA;  you to stop insulting my housekeeping?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat the last sentence as often as needed until they provide an answer that indicates they have taken you seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13082" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T19:18:19.313" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T19:18:19.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T04:33:01.940" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is your husband able to answer in your stead? Still something strong enough to make them realise that their comments have been offensive, but this time not from you. The point being that if he shows that the two of you are on the same page with respect to the house and criticisms of it, then maybe his relatives will stop complaining? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a thought. The comments would be bad enough, but not having support from your husband in this matter would simply be adding insult to injury.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastEditorUserId="5653" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T10:28:16.037" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T10:28:16.037" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12337" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12130" CreationDate="2018-03-26T06:21:31.943" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, at first glance it sounds as if you would've been shifting the burden to the other person prematurely (if you had said what you wanted to say.) &lt;strong&gt;It's a good rule of thumb to at least briefly explain your own position before asking other people to &quot;support their claims.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people don't know where you're coming from or where you're going with your line of questioning, they are apt to be nervous or hostile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your example disagreement is an incredibly thorny example of this. The claim that you disagreed with was that &quot;human beings are just animals.&quot;  And then the other person listed off some things that you said that you agreed with on a biological basis, but not on a &quot;metaphysical&quot; basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yet there are a hundred million reasons why someone might object to the word &quot;just&quot; in that sentence. For example: you might believe that human beings are inherently filthy, having inherited Original Sin along with our free will, which differentiates from animals. Or you might be a Calvist who does not believe in free will. Or you may not be religious at all, but believe that certain mysterious things have specific implications about humanity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if the &quot;kid&quot; didn't know your position, you could have gently explained that and then allowed the debate to naturally evolve instead of leaping straight to asking him to justify himself. It's a good tension-defusing tactic in general to focus on building up your own side instead of tearing down the other person's, but I think it's particularly crucial at the beginning of the conversation, and particularly on subjects as controversial as these.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the subject of controversy... that is the other issue that you might be overlooking. Do you realize how controversial these subjects are?  You said that &quot;after all&quot;  he was &quot;just a kid and had a lot to learn.&quot; Well, there are millions of learned grown-ups running around today with beliefs very similar to his, probably including the majority of scientists and engineers worldwide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying they're all right and you're wrong; merely that it would help to keep the tone in the room at a comfortable level if you were fully aware of the contentious nature of the debate at hand prior to asking anyone to justify their statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, many people prefer to avoid religious/metaphysical topics (along with political topics) entirely regardless of how you phrase it. But if you are going to have that debate, an awareness of the macro societal debate and a willingness to explain your own point of view before digging too deeply into the opposition's should help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15837" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T06:21:31.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12296" CreationDate="2018-03-26T06:45:31.463" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, good job not just ignoring the situation as most people do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in a couple of those situations over the years, and typically putting yourself between the guy and the girl without directly attacking him (verbally or physically) works best. There is no perfect recipe, you need to read the situation. Sometimes it is very clear the girl doesn't welcome his attention, sometimes less so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would definitely go with a variation of #1, but instead of asking her for a drink - which might put her in the uncomfortable situation of having to deal with two creeps - I would directly ask her if everything is fine, or if the guy is bothering her. Ignore him, talk only to her. Yes, I would turn my back to him even. The risk is manageable in my experience, but your environment might vary. I always considered giving her physical distance from the creep is the most important immediate thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is not enough, it is time to get a bouncer. You don't want to be in a fight in a bar. Firstly you don't know what the other guy is capable of and secondly the bouncers will arrive at the scene with no information who started it, they will down both of you and sort things out at the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can get a friend involved quickly, without walking away from the situation, always do. If you can't, I personally always prefer to go in over going out and coming back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This depends a lot on the club and scene and you might see that in the answers. In the clubs I used to frequent (moved recently) I would feel reasonably safe plus I can defend myself enough to protect my vital areas. Other places might be different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T06:45:31.463" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T06:59:58.473" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Their criticism is indicative that your house is not up to their standards. You can take that seriously and encourage them to stay elsewhere. Of course you want them to be comfortable! It's reasonable to suggest that they find accommodation elsewhere if your place is not good enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I didn't realise my house was not up to your standards. You're&#xA;  welcome to find accommodation somewhere else in town that meets your&#xA;  needs&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can sugar coat it to any extent you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, I didn't realise our accomodation wasn't adequate enough for  you! We want you to be happy/comfortable here! If this isn't good enough, you're&#xA;  welcome to find accommodation somewhere else in town that meets your&#xA;  needs&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, you can follow through with it next time if they don't shut up about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Can we come to stay?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Unfortunately, last time you mentioned that our house wasn't adequate&#xA;  enough for your needs. We want you to be comfortable so perhaps it&#xA;  would be better if you stayed somewhere else. You're welcome&#xA;  to come over to visit us for tea/coffee/dinner while you're in town!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T07:05:18.690" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T07:05:18.690" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12341" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12347" CreationDate="2018-03-26T07:54:35.583" Score="3" ViewCount="610" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 22 years old student, living in a little village, about 8000 inhabitant, in Germany. I'm not that old, but very independent. I have my own apartment, and just try to live my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my village, everyone knows everybody and will identify you with your family name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here is my problem : &lt;strong&gt;anywhere I go, I get identified by my family name. The thing is, my family isn't known for good things.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some backround&lt;/strong&gt;: My mom is jobless, lives just like “I don't care about money”, and got kicked out of her old apartment. Now, she lives with my older brother in a little apartment, just two floors upstairs and cause problems with the landlord. And often with other persons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time there is something new, everybody just ask me “&lt;em&gt;oh what's up there?&lt;/em&gt;” or “&lt;em&gt;can you help?&lt;/em&gt;”&#xA;Just a few days ago, I tried to insure my new car and the first question was like “&lt;em&gt;oh, can you ask your mother why she doesn't want to pay her insurance?&lt;/em&gt;”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't want to get into this crap. I want to live my own life but, at the moment, it's obviously not possible.&#xA;Also, they can't manage the bit of money they have and always ask me to help out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, moving away isn't an option, because all my friends live there as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How Can I get rid of this?&#xA;I think I want both, get out of your family's reputation in that village and get more distance to your family members upstairs&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15711" LastEditorUserId="15711" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T08:42:11.180" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T10:08:54.513" Title="How to get out of family affairs" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-03-26T09:51:35.907" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T08:00:52.010" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say in a comment to another answer that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am looking for an aggressive response that is not as aggressive as &quot;if you don't like it, get out&quot;, which I have had to bite my tongue several times not to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you say that it's a US setting, I expect that the following response will be understood clearly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Strike one!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's aggressive, it threatens that &quot;&lt;em&gt;If you don't like it, get out&lt;/em&gt;&quot; is coming, but it doesn't go as far. If they ask what you mean, the explanation is simple: three strikes and you're out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works to some extent in other cultures too. In fact, this answer is prompted by my brother having used it to me when I commented on some imperfection in his DIY, and we're both British.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4831" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T08:00:52.010" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12183" CreationDate="2018-03-26T08:21:35.223" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should probably focus on telling him how the comment makes &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel instead of trying to dissect it in great detail and talk about the broad societal implications. You could be 100% right about everything, but regardless:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People are more likely to listen to personal requests than they are to moralizing (and despite your #2, I'm afraid it will be very hard for those sentiments to not come off as superior moralizing.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The more they encounter people who express personal disapproval with an attitude, the less likely they are to express it and (maybe) the more likely they are to reevaluate the attitude behind the comment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with giving such people a detailed explanation like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What I find demeaning and objectifying is when a man verbalizes his sexual attraction to a woman's body as a topic of casual conversation - especially when the man clearly has no knowledge or interest in any character trait of the woman. Also demeaning and objectifying are comments made about sexual things he would like to do with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...is that you're potentially opening up a can of worms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally find such comments to be tedious and boorish even when they aren't outright offensive, and yes they are commonly used by misogynists, but these aren't simple testable facts like &quot;water boils at 100 degrees Celsius&quot;; these are abstract, complex value judgments that people can and will argue over. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here are the sorts of responses you're likely to encounter after saying such things: What constitutes a &quot;casual conversation&quot;?  There are males and females who enjoy casual sex without getting to know each other (swingers); are these people &quot;objectifying&quot; each other? And, as they are consenting adults, is that ok or is it harmful to our society? Why is it only objectifying to talk about something you'd like to do &lt;em&gt;sexually&lt;/em&gt;, but it's not objectifying if you said that you wanted to, for instance, play guitar with Buckethead? (There's a lot more to his personality than his guitar playing, after all. And isn't it highly presumptuous to imply he'd ever want to play with you?) And why is it apparently not &quot;objectifying&quot; to openly talk about using people for money, or for their professional services, or any of the other one-dimensional ways in which people often talk about interacting with their casual acquaintances in everyday life? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may have a good response to every single one of those, but this isn't the time or place for debate. The only point is that it IS a debate. And &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; debate the best way to change the behavior of individuals in your day to day life? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone disagrees with your analysis, as you can see they can find plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in. And they will probably find the implication of moral superiority insulting, no matter how many disclaimers you use. Especially the ones who do not consider themselves to be misogynists (rightly or wrongly.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead of trying to win the full nuclear war of ideas with every single individual you come across, maybe just try to win the battle. Just ask him to cut it out because it bothers you. And if enough people do that, maybe he will.  (And if he doesn't, if he sees the social consequences of not cutting it out...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15837" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T08:21:35.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9782" CreationDate="2018-03-26T09:05:17.913" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What means the insurances &quot;for your sisters&quot;? If these insurances were intended to be for your sisters, shouldn't they be part of the contract?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So why do you have to sign anything to make the insurances go their correct way?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If your sisters are planned to receive the money, why should you sign that? That's what I would clarify first of all. This sounds really suspicious.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you are pressed to sign something, it's mostly not to your benefit. Perhaps there is something in these contracts for &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; and they want you to refuse that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go to a lawyer and ask how this insurance stuff works in your country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T09:05:17.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T09:32:33.330" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ok, so another way if you have the stomach for it, is going for awkwardness with some gorish and gritty &quot;jokes&quot; :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;The house looks so sterile&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;I actually like it, that way whenever we torture someone infection won't set in for a loooong time and we can keep going for longer.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you're just joking. See how many awkward silences are they willing to endure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9151" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T13:08:50.497" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T13:08:50.497" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12341" CreationDate="2018-03-26T10:08:54.513" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reputations are quickly gained, but unfortunately can take time to lose. Interpersonal skills may help you influence people's opinion of you one at a time, but you can't change a whole village's mind overnight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might actually imagine the situation to be worse than it is. Your living independently and studying for a career might already have changed the minds of many who know your family. Every time you meet somebody local, such as when you go to the store, you have an opportunity to give a good impression by your manners and conduct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are faced with a situation where you are asked about your family's conduct or financial situation, use it as an opportunity to (i) state your independence, and (ii) gently remind the person of your good conduct. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Landlord:&lt;/strong&gt; Do you know why your mother's rent hasn't been paid?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I'm sorry, I have no idea about my mother's finances. My rent has been&#xA;paid on time hasn't it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If said in a genuine way and not as a quip then this should remind whoever you are dealing with that you are good at paying bills. It draws a contrast between your other family and helps to build your own independent reputation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some situations could be avoided - for example, have you tried arranging your car insurance and similar services online? That way you won't be faced with local people that know you. This isn't perhaps an interpersonal solution, but as it may take time to change people's opinion anyway you are just saving yourself some hassle in the meanwhile. If it really is a small village then they will still see you driving your insured and well-kept car safely, all of which contributes to your own good reputation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T10:08:54.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-26T12:18:52.457" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I haven't found a similar answer here, so I hope it is ok to throw it in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People like that are probably not easy to talk to. They could get angry or start a useless discussion that would never find its end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally would approach them by giving them some sort of an unconscious message.&#xA;You could tell them that you like the girl or anything like that.&#xA;First of all, he will start to feel bad, and he will notice that he kinda mistreated you as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People only discriminate others to achieve something. When they start to notice the displeasure they spread, they will probably stop and start thinking again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15680" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T12:44:51.207" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T12:44:51.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T12:55:03.940" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As for their motivation, they criticize (almost) everyone, not just me; it's their favorite sport.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Accept&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The quote above means tells us they will criticise you no matter what. So accept that they will invariably criticise you in one way or another. You don't have to &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; it, but you can't change them. What you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; change is your own reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Deflate&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're happy with your living situation and would be unhappy living in their mess, they're actually giving you a compliment! So graciously accept it and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why, thank you. Would you like a cup of tea?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, they don't get the satisfaction of seeing you getting riled up by their nagging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T20:00:52.027" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T20:00:52.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-26T13:15:33.310" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly I'd approach this with forthright directness.&#xA;This is unacceptable behaviour and highly offensive to my sensibilities.&#xA;Unless this person is in a position of authority there is no reason to try and allow them to save face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My opening line would be &quot;Don't be a prat&quot;, call them out. Make them face up to their sexism in a public space. I guarantee you're not the only one who feels uncomfortable, but the average person doesn't want to make a scene and would rather suffer in silence than speak up. If you speak up with confidence and call them out, you will have supporters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To encourage your silent supporters though, have the conversation with others in the conference beforehand. Clean up your thoughts with them before addressing the source of the problem. If others are looking serious and nodding when you call this guy out, it'll go a long way to putting impact behind your words rather than making you look like you have a stick up your ass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By calling him out in public you will make a clear statement to others that this is not only unacceptable, but also no chance you'll let them get away with it in future. which may nip future sexism in the bud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; in a position of authority, things get more complex. Your best bet in my opinion is to have the conversations with others independently. and rather than call out the guy in public, see if you can get him alone and make it a serious discussion rather than chewing him out.&#xA;Phrase it in such a way that implies that you aren't the only one feeling uncomfortable (and it's probably true!) and perhaps he'll tone it down at least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on circumstances, that second option may be your best and first choice anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T13:15:33.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12358" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T13:29:10.807" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing I noted is that all of your examples are more statements than questions. Have you tried just not responding when there are no questions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;MIL: It looks so sterile!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To add to the lack of comfort for the person I am not answering, I like to just look at them completely neutral faced without blinking. As if I'm studying them to see if they're breathing. It makes people uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then if they ask a question, answer it in as few words as possible:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;MIL: How does he ever find things?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: He looks where they are kept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The staring works here as well. Perhaps they will understand how absurd the comments and question are in retrospect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, nothing makes people as uncomfortable as silence and staring. If they take the hint and ask what your problem is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;MIL: Are you upset about something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Your criticism of my housekeeping is unwelcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it short, simple, and direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T13:29:10.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T14:07:29.857" Score="6" Body="&lt;h2&gt;We've got a couple good answers based on your intentions, so I'm throwing this out there as an addendum.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, I can say from experience that I sympathize and know the exact situation you're talking about. Sure, a non-confrontational solution might be ideal, but sometimes it's okay to get offended. You're allowed to feel however you want to feel about the situation, and they can't respect how you feel, that's their fault. As long as you and your husband are happy with the arrangement, no one should be criticizing you for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not the greatest with witty retorts but it seems like we have at least a few people here who are, so hats off to their creativity. I'd like to consider your strategy beyond just the conversation, because one key element could sabotage any progress you make: &lt;strong&gt;your husband&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing you do or say is going to make any difference if he doesn't support you. You can put his parents in their place, but if he reacts sheepishly or discreetly apologizes for your behavior, it will undercut your message. So you need to be on the same page with him before the next encounter. You don't mention discussing this much with him, other than you have both come to a compromise on how the house is kept (which is great), so just sit down and have a frank discussion about your plan and being fed up with their comments. He may have to suffer through some embarrassment, but he needs to at least be ready to back you up if they look to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All he needs to do is believe that you're allowed to feel the way you do, and then he can just shrug at his parents and say &quot;Well, you were asking for it&quot; (or words to that effect). If you don't have his support, if he reinforces their views instead of conceding to yours, you won't get anywhere. He doesn't necessarily have to &lt;em&gt;agree&lt;/em&gt; with you, but he has to support you and the way you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T14:07:29.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12363" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T14:13:32.307" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The Bible says &quot;Better to meet a mother bear robbed of her cubs than a fool bent on folly.&quot; &lt;a href=&quot;http://biblehub.com/niv/proverbs/17.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;(Proverbs 17:12)&lt;/a&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You have absolutely no good options.&lt;/strong&gt;  People who want to hurt you, will hurt you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Bible advises: &quot;Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him.&quot;  That means you should really not get involved in mud-slinging.  But wait, the very next verse says: &quot;Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.&quot;  (&lt;a href=&quot;http://biblehub.com/niv/proverbs/26.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Proverbs 26:4-5&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Choose your own adventure.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;  If you choose to fight, now that's what you do together with your in-laws.  If you bear it, now that's what your in-laws expect from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you minimize the opportunities for this situation to arise in whatever way you can, you may get more peace.  But you may get a different kind of criticism, especially if they therefore aren't seeing their grandkids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Have you let your husband know that this bothers you?&lt;/strong&gt;  If so, why isn't he taking your side?  He's the one who invited you into this family after all... only a crummy host would knowingly allow harm to come on his own guest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, is this criticism the fair response to criticism that you leveled at them in the past?  If you are the first mud-slinger, it's fairplay for them to sling mud at you.  The question of which house is superior is actually &lt;strong&gt;irrelevant&lt;/strong&gt; to this question... having a clean house doesn't make it OK to insult somebody, just like you wouldn't want somebody with a bigger house to insult you for having one that's small.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T15:05:00.113" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T15:05:00.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-26T14:58:18.397" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since I find this sort of behavior (and the sort of person the leader seems to be) particularly offensive, I'd bring out the big guns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like, &quot;Hey guys, I've got a question. How many hits do you think this will get on Youtube?&quot; I'd expect a certain change in group behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any hostile response along the lines of, &quot;Are you recording this?&quot; should be met with a steady gaze and something along the lines of, &quot;What if I am? Would that make a difference in how you think of women?&quot; and a continued refusal to affirm or deny. Keep 'em guessing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then, as I say, I find this sort of behavior very offensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15858" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T14:58:18.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12365" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4005" CreationDate="2018-03-26T15:03:48.770" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My favorite small talk opener is to make a statement with which my conversation partner will absolutely agree.  Then to say something that's hit-or-miss... and which ever way it goes, there will be something interesting to talk about.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Nice weather last week&quot;, you might say... &quot;not in Duesseldorf,&quot; he might reply.  &quot;When were you in Duesseldorf?&quot;  Now you have something to talk about!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T15:03:48.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-26T15:08:13.287" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;All these answers have been good. Here's another angle:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;You don't need to say anything&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let your face do the talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in a group and someone starts using crude humor, don't laugh. Don't smile, don't smirk, don't be sarcastic, and don't politely redirect. Simply look them in the eye with a face of disappointment. Let the message of your face and body language be &quot;Wow. I can't believe you just said that.&quot; That way they know how that joke made YOU feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might still see this as combative and point you out, but that's the risk you take when you do something against the crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5989" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T15:08:13.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12325" CreationDate="2018-03-26T16:56:19.020" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why doesn't your wife simply reply to David with her direct observations?  David wants to know how he's progressing, so he asks her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a good response: &quot;It sounds like you still haven't learned a few basics, David.  Are you working on strumming rhythms and scales?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wife won't help David by making nice and hiding her opinion from him.  Her niceness might actually unhelpfully make David think that everything is fine, in spite of his own thinking on the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However:&lt;/strong&gt; I do not advise for you and your wife to tell David what you think about his teacher, unless he asks.  From your post, he is checking his progress.  So tell him his progress!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose that if he checks his progress more than once over time with your wife, and there isn't real progress, and he agrees about that... then maybe he will ask why that is.  &lt;strong&gt;That is your opportunity&lt;/strong&gt; to talk about the teacher and what might be happening during lessons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful to understand the difference between worthwhile speculation (maybe he intimidates the teacher) and direct knowledge (he hasn't even tuned his mandolin).  If you speculate a possible fault, ask a question about it... but don't assert it!  If you were wrong, then your wife would be the one worthy of &quot;mistrust for her competency&quot;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T17:50:39.860" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T17:50:39.860" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12325" CreationDate="2018-03-26T17:03:05.647" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not have personal experience with heavy stimulant users, but I have had plenty of practice in life finding ways to share my point of view with people who are somewhat hostile to new or dissenting ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My approach to sharing with David my opinion that his mandolin lessons are not as productive as they could be would be an indirect one. Instead of presenting your opinion directly by saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel like your mandolin teacher is not teaching you very well&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to instead guide the conversation to have this be the concluding takeaway for David of a dialogue between the two of you. People are rarely hostile to ideas they come up with &quot;on their own.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've said that David has one teacher for percussion who is following a good progression of difficulty that seems to be working well for David. The goal is to have David recognize the difference between his percussion and mandolin development and identify the teaching style/direction as a cause of that difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I obviously cannot script out an entire conversation between you and David, but when you have an opportunity to have a semi-casual, comfortable one on one (or maybe 3 person with your wife involved and prepped for the intended topic) 15-20 minute conversation, you could start approaching the topic with a question about the lessons and how they are going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How are your percussion and mandolin lessons coming?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to this &quot;self discovery&quot;/indirect approach is a lot of listening and facilitating reflection on and analysis of David's music lessons by David. Ask lots of open ended questions, if David mentions something about being frustrated with his mandolin progression, or proud of his quick percussion aptitude, ask a questions for more information on the subject and gently push comparisons between the two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your percussion progress seems to be moving smoothly and I think you're learning a lot, is this different from your mandolin training in some way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask leading questions and prod towards the topic of differences in teaching style and difficulty progressions between the teachers. Be careful not to try to push the conversation in on direction too much, if the topic or desired conclusion isn't coming up immediately, bide your time. Not all change happens immediately and the conclusion doesn't have to happen during your conversation at all. The goal here is to prompt self analysis by David, helping him reach the conclusion on his own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a few conversations like this don't seem to be breaking through, you can try slightly more leading questions (try to guide the conversation with questions asking for David's thoughts).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you think that your percussion instructor is teaching you more effectively than your mandolin teacher?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has caused David to consider the point you want to make of the mandolin teacher's efficacy without actually stating it as a fact or statement by you. Instead the idea has been put up for consideration and input, perhaps David has a differing opinion and you can understand why your assumptions may be misguided, or may find what is &quot;blinding&quot; David to what you consider is bad teaching.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;@Arthas&lt;/strong&gt; has brought up a concern that upon realizing the intended point David may blame himself for not coming to this conclusion earlier. If you feel this is a risk, you may be slightly more direct with your wording:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[wife] and I are concerned that your mandolin teacher may not be teaching you as effectively as your percussion teacher, what are your thoughts on that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This still frames the conversation as &quot;OP and David analyze teacher&quot; and avoids &quot;OP vs David re: teacher,&quot; but adds your third party perspective as a prompt and an angle for viewing the situation that David may have previously overlooked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T19:24:59.097" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T19:24:59.097" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12264" CreationDate="2018-03-26T17:37:48.707" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often, to change attitudes you need to make them feel some sort of empathy and really understand what they are saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, by simply asking how they would feel if someone were to talk like that about their sister? Their mother? Their daughter? That connection is usually strong and they would feel angry and upset... Then state that this woman is someone's daughter, maybe sister and maybe mother. You may get the right feeling to make a change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do not care, then there's some larger issues to deal with... But you can call out their psychological issues at this point, which may diminish their leadership position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, it's a hard fought battle! But direct conflict will usually end up with both positions entrenched deeper than before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15870" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T17:37:48.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12325" CreationDate="2018-03-26T18:23:35.797" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this kind of situation, you should come to him prepared to offer him an alternative or your assistance/support in finding an alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, David is receiving some amount of comfort from just having a teacher whether she's effective or not. The lack of teacher and the breaking of trust with that teacher is going to be very detrimental to him if not handled in a seamless way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;David, I've spoken to my wife about your mandolin progress and it doesn't seem to be going as well as it should be. We think your teacher is a bad fit for you and would like to help you find a better one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to emphasize that some support structure should be offered when this news is delivered. If he is left feeling betrayed without assistance to remedying his situation, it will most likely hurt him far more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-03-26T18:58:49.857" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T18:58:49.857" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-26T21:41:53.693" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is the old retort when people complain about untidyness/dirtyness: &quot;You are welcome to clean it/tidy it up&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Humorously reversing it into &quot;You are welcome to make a mess if you need one&quot; should get the point across memorably while still giving you the plausible deniability of you just having made a joke in case someone makes ample use of their right to be offended. Also, you can fine tune the &quot;if you need one&quot; into even more of an underhanded accusation of inferior taste/requirements, in order to keep the ball in the other court for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2018-03-26T21:41:53.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12374" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12379" CreationDate="2018-03-27T02:24:35.533" Score="-2" ViewCount="540" Body="&lt;p&gt;My student grandmother's university staff always uselessly reminds her to consult the university's website, when she already did and could not find the necessary information there. She's been tactful with these staff, as they're not acknowledging the uselessness of their repetition:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please do not worry about reminding me about the university's website that I already tried.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please, no need to remind me about the university's website, which I already tried.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's so bothered that she must withhold herself from grumbling brusquely::&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop repeating, and asking me to refer to, the university's website: this is unhelpful and useless.  I already consulted it and it does not answer my questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T17:48:45.713" Title="How can I tactfully convince someone not to repeat something I already know?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-03-27T09:05:54.297" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12378" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12374" CreationDate="2018-03-27T05:58:07.930" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like there are layers of miscommunication. She should make clear exactly where on the website she has already checked. E.g.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could you please help me figure out what next semester's tuition will cost me in program X, with Y units? Below are more details about where I have already looked. If it is easier for you, perhaps we could meet to talk this through in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Details:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I looked at the student finance schedule, posted at XYZ.edu/finance/specifictable.htm. While it lists the fees for  my program for this semester and winter 2019, fall 2018 seems to be inexplicably missing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I searched for this under help, the result at XYZ.edu/prospectivestudent/tuition.htm looked promising, but it turned out not to list the case of taking Y units in fall 2018.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T05:58:07.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12379" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12374" CreationDate="2018-03-27T08:09:52.573" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When attempting to contact them, she should &lt;strong&gt;start off&lt;/strong&gt; with the fact that she's already checked the website. This skips past the suggestion. Maybe ask them to show her the exact information on the website in order to politely prove that it isn't there. (and if they manage to find it on there then even better!) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I've checked the website looking for x, but I can't seem to find any information on it? Could you maybe show me where this is on the website?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and if the staff member can't find it either then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there anyone I can talk to about this that might be able to explain?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this will only really work in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth mentioning that it's likely the member of staff she's talking to doesn't know any more than she does, and just knows that the website is meant to have all the information that anyone might need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9162" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T08:09:52.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5536" CreationDate="2018-03-27T09:36:55.200" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask him what's his rest time between sets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless he answers something like 30 seconds (or whatever would be too short for you to do your set without bothering him) then tell him you are going to work in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pick the dumbbells as soon as he's done with his own set, do yours, and put them back where he had them.&#xA;If you need a bench, bring it closer to this spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to bother... pick 18 or 22.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15887" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T09:36:55.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12381" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12384" CreationDate="2018-03-27T10:03:28.330" Score="31" ViewCount="37725" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a male in my early 20s. My work requires me to frequently communicate face-to-face with customers that are often strangers to me. Because of this I tend to take good care of my appearance. I neatly trim my beard, put product in my hair and work out a few times a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm in a conversation with a customer I pay attention to looking them in the eyes to show I'm paying attention to the conversation we are having. But lately something else has caught my attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm the one talking I notice that the person I'm talking to switches between eye contact and looking at my mouth around every few seconds. While I'm not particularly an insecure person this can make me pretty unsure of whether (for example) I have something between my teeth or I'm distracting the person with the way I talk. While it doesn't particularly seems like it's distracting them, it does distract me from the topic of the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I stop people from looking at my mouth when I talk, or is this happening unconsciously?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Extra&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm sure there is actually nothing between my teeth&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have had braces so I think I'm eligible to say my teeth are 'pretty'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The conversations are always in my mother language (so no 'weird mouth movement')&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15884" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T14:31:40.563" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T15:29:18.323" Title="How to stop people from looking at my mouth when we're having a conversation?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12382" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12389" CreationDate="2018-03-27T10:11:38.340" Score="10" ViewCount="2934" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently experiencing a very unpleasent situation. We are a group of 5, working on a software project for &quot;professional school&quot;. We use &lt;a href=&quot;https://discordapp.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Discord&lt;/a&gt; to organize us and to talk with each other.&lt;br /&gt; Everybody is doing his/her task and delivers on time, as well as communicates properly, except for one guy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He takes days to respond to anything and does not deliver his tasks on the dates &lt;strong&gt;he promised&lt;/strong&gt; to deliver. We are not yet in a hurry to finish the project, but it is annoying as hell to wait for 1 person to finish his task, so that the others can move to their next task.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thursday morning I 'ping' him in Discord, asking how far he is with his task. No answer on Thursday, that's why I 'ping' again on Friday. Again no response. Someone else 'pings' him on Sunday, because he still didn't respond. On Monday we finally get a response, which states, that he is like 25% done with his task. On that Monday he tells us, that he will be done by Wednesday and promises to deliver. On Wednesday, we all wait for him to even show up to our group call (we have one every Wednesday for 1 hour so that everyone actually works on the project at least once a week. This call was previously on Mondays), but he didn't show and didn't deliver his work. Then finally on the next Monday he delivered his work, which only he can understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tomorrow (Wednesday) we have a group call again to which he hopefully shows up and explains how to use his work. I already 'pinged' him 2 times since Monday, giving him a task which only he can complete as he knows how to work with what he delivered, but yet I didn't get a response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is knowledgeable with Discord, and he is online often enough to read it, but he doesn't/ignores it. Everyone is expected to work at least 1 hour per week, but more is better. The other group members are annoyed by him as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I &quot;force&quot; him to deliver the work everyone is waiting for as well as answers within a timely manner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I do not care if I have to be unfriendly. My goal is to get the message accross and have it stay in his head. Also note that the whole interaction we have as a group is online through Discord (text-chat as well as voice-chat). We can't contact the teacher until the next school block, by which the project should be finished. I would assume that we are required to handle this on our own as part of our apprenticeship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think that location is important, but for reference, this is taking place in Germany.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As many people suggest on how to deal with the situation overall, I want to clarify that it is not really what I am looking for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am prefferably looking for a solution to raise his overall participation in the project (work delivered as well as Discord chat) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T18:52:17.780" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T18:53:59.567" Title="Get team member to participate in project" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="14" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-27T10:24:12.197" Score="145" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not everyone is comfortable with looking other people directly in the eyes for any length of time, even if the other person is friendly and well-presented. It is not something to take personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these situations, a person's eyes may gravitate to something nearby but not in such a way to look disinterested. In this case it may be your immaculate beard that catches their attention. I'd advise against bringing it up in conversation in case it makes others even more uncomfortable. Try not to worry about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also add if you're determined to look them straight in the eyes for the entire conversation, it will help if you briefly avert your gaze every so often too. It might vary by culture, but some can interpret a fixed glare as you coming across as too serious or intense. Again, it's nothing to feel personally worried over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastEditorDisplayName="user8671" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T10:30:21.227" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T10:30:21.227" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12385" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12382" CreationDate="2018-03-27T10:41:36.280" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you cannot &quot;force&quot; anyone to do anything they do not want to do; you can only really state your expectations of them and incentivise it - which doesn't have to be a reward, it can be avoidance of bad consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presumably he doesn't want to flunk school, so he needs to be made to understand that his non-cooperation in this task may ultimately lead to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever you confront somebody about their behaviour/performance you should &lt;strong&gt;deal in facts&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;not generalisations&lt;/em&gt;. Don't just tell him that he is letting the team down - arm yourself with specific details about his missed deadlines. Be clear about his failures and the consequences. He may think that the rest of the team wont allow &lt;em&gt;themselves&lt;/em&gt; to fail at the group project and that if he doesn't help then the rest of the team will just cover the work. I presume that this is not acceptable to you either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What was the scope of your project assignment? Some team projects are as much about learning to work as a team as they are about the result itself. If this is the case then your tutor may expect you to handle situations like this as a team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you will have an opportunity to speak to your tutor again before the final deadline, then they may be able to intervene on your behalf, and this could bypass the interpersonal solution. Alternatively, you can use this in your argument with your non-performing team mate by telling him that you will take the matter to your tutor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should you confront him make sure:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are in possession of all the facts about his lack of performance, any input from your tutor (if available) and details of what will happen if he does not cooperate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Approach him privately rather than as a group, as this is likely to get the best results and give you the most frank discussion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Speak in specific terms rather than simply saying his performance is poor in general.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be firm in your stance and clear about any consequences, but don't get angry - this rarely achieves results.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T11:25:13.190" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T11:25:13.190" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-27T11:38:42.487" Score="73" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am one of those people who will switch between looking someone in the eye and looking at someone's mouth when they're talking to me. This is for a few reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It helps me listen to what they're saying&lt;/strong&gt; - As strange as this sounds, when I'm really concentrating on what someone is saying I find it easier when I'm watching them form the words than I do when I'm making eye contact with them. I tend to hear what they're saying better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It avoids distractions&lt;/strong&gt; - If someone is speaking to me and I'm making eye contact with them, I often get distracted with like: &quot;Am I staring for too long?&quot; &quot;What if this person is uncomfortable with prolonged eye contact?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I get uncomfortable with prolonged eye contact...&lt;/strong&gt; - I will break eye contact when I get uncomfortable and don't want to appear rude by looking away from the person's face completely. Looking at their mouth is a compromise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it can be a &lt;strong&gt;subconscious act&lt;/strong&gt; (it is for me), try not to let it bother you. There are no negative connotations associated with staring at your mouth rather than maintaining eye contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9958" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T14:59:20.683" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T14:59:20.683" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-27T11:39:41.470" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be honest, it is probably your beard that they are looking at. In some cultures, beards are still a relatively new (or at least revived) fashion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course we are not here to debate fashion, and beards tend to polarise opinion. But I would take some comfort in the fact that there are plenty of positive reasons why someone could be fascinated with your beard - that is to say their looking at your mouth/beard area does not instantly mean there is something weird going on like a piece of spinach in your teeth. Don't let it make you become overly self-conscious. They may like your beard, or be a bit envious of it if they can't grow one themselves. &lt;em&gt;Also if the person is a stranger to you, don't ignore the possibility that they may have a hearing impairment and are relying on watching your lip pattern!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You shouldn't really worry if someone makes a passing glance at your mouth. It seems like you are noticing patterns, either that a lot of different people do it, or a few people you interact with persistently do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may not be possible to completely stop looking there but there may be things you can do to reduce it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Maintain good eye contact yourself.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all allow our eyes to wander during conversation. Our eyes may impulsively look up when we access memories or use our imagination. Other people look around when they are thinking. Your breaking eye contact with another person may give them a window to look around too. Concentrating on eye contact may keep their eyes on yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Send a non-verbal message that shows them you noticed they were looking at your mouth.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is persistently doing this to you, then you could potentially stop it by letting them know that you know. This could be done either by stopping what you are saying, or markedly slowing down your speech until their eye contact returns. Or you could frown. The drawback of this is that you may come across a little passive-aggressive, depending on how the other person feels about the behaviour. This also ignores the possibility that they may be lip reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Say something.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really can't stand it, then you could tell the person so. Only do this if they are persistent in the behaviour, and only if you are prepared for the possible consequence of future interactions being awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lighthearted approach might be to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there something in my teeth? Just you seem to be looking at my&#xA;  mouth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or the approach favoured by a lot of women when dealing with wandering eyes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Pointing at your eyes] I'm up here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T13:25:34.210" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T13:25:34.210" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12388" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12390" CreationDate="2018-03-27T11:50:42.217" Score="8" ViewCount="514" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have asked this question in &lt;a href=&quot;http://workplace.stackexchange.com&quot;&gt;The Workplace&lt;/a&gt;, but it didn't seem to be the good place for this question, so I'm trying my luck here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been working in the place I currently am for more than a year now (IT sector), and since a few month, I have the feeling that I'm being left out. We're about ten in the room where I am, and we're using Slack to communicate. However, it seems that there are lots of conversation groups between the other colleagues, and I'm in none of them, while the others are at least in one of them (excepted the main big ones, such as '#random' or '#general').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I'm here, two new guys have joined the team, and it looks like they got better integrated that I was / am: for an example, when the rest of the team decide to go to a restaurant for lunch, they ask everybody one by one... except me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe I happen to be the weird and lone guy, or maybe it's because I've done several (not that) small mistakes in the past that made everyone lose their mind (me included), but even since before, I have this feeling that I'm missing out a lot of social stuff that seems to be happening right next to me. Maybe it's also the context and the project that have been assigned to them that integrated them more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only person I could talk about this is the lead developer, anyone else would be a weird choice (manager included). My question is, &lt;strong&gt;how should I approach him&lt;/strong&gt;?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is not really about making friends, it's more being naturally involved in events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, I realized that I tried everything you guys suggested beforehand, and I didn't put it in my original question, sorry about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also managed to speak with the lead developer. For the context, I'm way closer to him than to any manager in this society, that's why I mentioned him. He apologized about the lunch at the restaurant, and told me that many factors (not linked to me, but more about the project, how we are arranged in the workspace, the persons that work in the same project, etc) made him kind of forget me, and apologized once again. I feel relieved now, thank you all for your suggestions!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15889" LastEditorUserId="15889" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T14:07:35.600" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T16:13:00.217" Title="How could I talk to a coworker about my feeling of being left out by the team?" Tags="&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12382" CreationDate="2018-03-27T12:14:05.883" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;You write in your comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From my experience with this teacher, frankly said: he sucks! I really doubt that he is gonna do anything. I bet he tells us to deal with it ourselfs&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, then I'm going to answer based on the assumption that you really &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; force your lazy teammate (I'll call him Bob). However, before you assume that, spend some time discussing with your cooperating teammates whether they agree that this is really true. If they can think of a way to convince or force him, go for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've recently been through a &quot;real world&quot;(-ish) software project with similar problems: multiple project partners (companies) who put in vastly different levels of effort - with two of the partners always trying to push responsibilities to others, not delivering their stuff on time, and ghosting on the rest when they found it convenient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick to get through this for me was to &lt;em&gt;consider failure of the project as an option&lt;/em&gt;. Be prepared to let the project fail and collect clear evidence that it failed because of your lazy team member. (Again: this should be a last resort, after you've tried hard to rectify the issue in other ways. See other answers...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reduce your dependency on him. Plan your work so that you can proceed/work without him as far as possible. Don't give him critical tasks if you can avoid it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clearly write down what you expect of him, which of your work depends on his work, by when you need it done - and remind him of it several times so that he can't claim he didn't know he had to do this. You could use an &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Issue_tracker&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;issue tracker&lt;/a&gt; - because knowing how to use one is always useful for people doing software projects. Should your teacher ask you &quot;Well, why wasn't xyz done?&quot; you can point to the issue tracker and say &quot;Frankly, I don't know. We created this issue 2 months ago and assigned it to Bob and reminded him 3 times - but he didn't deliver. Bob'll have to answer this.&quot; or &quot;Well, it has a dependency on ABC; ABC was due 2 months ago but wasn't delivered until 1 week ago - so we weren't able to complete xyz. You'll have to ask Bob about ABC.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In your weekly meetings, write brief minutes on what got done, what got delayed, what obstacles there are, and what everyone has to do in the next week. Distribute and get (at least) all other 4 team members to read and acknowledge them. (In short: document the hell out of the situation.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inform Bob (e.g. in an email) that he needs to deliver because you won't be able to cover for him in school. The teacher will notice that things are missing and you won't lie about why they are missing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you give your presentation on the project (assuming there is one), identify at the beginning who worked on what. &quot;Thomas did the GUI design, Anna did the database backend, Emily wrote the business logic, Bob was responsible for implementing the XYZ, and I worked on the ABC.&quot; The more clearly you can separate Bob's responsibilities the better - because if the XYZ is shit it falls back on Bob.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider it a life lesson on the importance of carefully selecting your business partners, of paying attention to their reputation, and of maintaining a good reputation yourselves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you ever have to do a software project again, be sure not to end up with Bob in the team ;-)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly, you can only do this if this kind of failure (delivering a not-complete project) &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an option. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BTW: In my case, the lazy partners did deliver the absolute minimum to convince the customer in the end, so kind of a happy ending. Possibly they noticed that others weren't picking up their slack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And consider this: You are 4 people who agree and work fine together and only one asshole - you're quite lucky ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastEditorUserId="1798" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T12:30:07.647" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T12:30:07.647" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12388" CreationDate="2018-03-27T12:17:04.183" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, try to engage in some conversations or pick an interesting conversation topic and start talking about it with your colleagues. That's how you can let them know that you exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For starters, you can greet them with a smile, and try to know them. (Don't overdo that anyway. :))&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a while, they will likely to involve you in their group conversations and maybe not leave you out in other activities they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Since you &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12388/how-could-i-talk-to-a-coworker-about-my-feeling-of-being-left-out-by-the-team/#comment50824_12390&quot;&gt;mentioned&lt;/a&gt; that it's not really about making friends, it's more being naturally involved in events, you can skip above things.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it still happens, you just have to convey that you're feeling left out and ask them reasons. Remember you shouldn't blame them. Therefore, try something like following with a polite tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I felt really left out when you guys went to the restaurant and didn't ask me along. Was there any reason why you didn't ask me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you have to listen to their reasons and make changes accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Also&lt;/strong&gt;, try not to look too desperate while asking for reasons because it's possible that you are coming across as desperate. Therefore, you should try to stay open-minded and don't force them to include you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Still,&lt;/strong&gt; it happens, remember life is too short to waste on friends who don't value you and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to be an introvert guy and don't talk much. Therefore, I was left out from many activities my classmates used to do. For me, starting some interesting conversations and getting to know them worked, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T13:30:43.120" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T13:30:43.120" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12391" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12388" CreationDate="2018-03-27T12:22:45.380" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In which country do you work? It can be important, because in Germany, for example, people are not usually approaching you if they dont have an interest in you as a person or as a collegue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I dont think, that aproaching your teamlead will change something. And do not take your mistakes personal, everyone does them. They are not the reason, why no one ask you to go to lunch. People dont owe you anything, take it in your hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had the same experience in my office, since I was new in the team as intern from other country, so the feeling of been left out stayed with me for a good mounth or more, because groups were already gathered. It became better when I started to approach other students and colleages in department.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possible approaches could be - &quot;How is your work going? How was your weekend?&quot; You can also ask for help, even if dont need it. Some people like when they are asked for help, it gives them the feeling of usefullness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am quite sure there is a person with witch you talk more then with the others, try to stick to him or her. It could be weird, but you can simply join the group in which you person are. Ask the person if you could join.  I dont think, they will say, that you are not welcome, it would be very rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And be social, join the conversations, listen to what people say, you can ask them about it later to start the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15890" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T12:22:45.380" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12382" CreationDate="2018-03-27T12:32:12.870" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;My guess is that his behaviour is due to lack of knowledge. He is willing to be part of the team project, and takes on work, but is out of his depth in terms of how to do his tasks. He also doesn't know how to ask for help, as that would make it seem like he wasn't smart enough to be on the team. Hence, he keeps stalling for time, hoping that a little more time will help him figure out what has to be done, and he somehow manages to deliver something (albeit late).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him delivering something &quot;that only he can understand&quot; could actually be a case of him delivering something that even he cannot understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you are not currently on a critical timeline, his tasks will continue to be delayed, and most probably will still be unfinished when the project deadline arrives. If his tasks are essential to the proper functioning of the project as a whole, then either the project will not be fully completed, or you and the rest of the team will be forced to &lt;em&gt;work overtime&lt;/em&gt; just before the deadline, to compensate for his unfinished work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of solutions, as I see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach him and make him aware that the team is there to help each other, and if he is stuck, or out of his depth, that others in the team can help. Maybe even suggest that he gets a lighter workload (if you and the rest of the team members agree). The point with the lighter workload being that if he can deliver a smaller part on time, then you are better off as a team than if he consistently delivers late.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Discuss the possibility of the rest of the team taking on a part of his tasks. That way you are effectively finishing the project minus one member, which may or may not be an issue for the school. However, you would be able to ensure that the team can finish the project on time, and then deal with his non-participation afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advantage with the first approach is that he may even start to become more productive once he realises that it is okay to not know everything, and it is okay to ask for help. In addition, the current team tension may dissipate altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on the additional information in the question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am preferably looking for a solution to raise his overall participation in the project (work delivered as well as Discord chat)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obviously commendable, and the right outlook. Since physical meetings are not viable, you need something different to get him more involved. Something like making him more responsible for delivering the project on time. It is possible that he isn't as motivated to deliver his tasks as promised, because there is still plenty of time, and someone else (you?) is managing the project and the meetings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not rotate the responsibility for the weekly meetings, and for making sure that everyone is completing their tasks on time? If he is given more responsibility, and hence, more ownership of the project outcome, it might make him more motivated to pull his weight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastEditorUserId="5653" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T13:13:48.873" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T13:13:48.873" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12393" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4005" CreationDate="2018-03-27T12:52:24.373" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Small bit about me&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do love to spend some of my time in conversation even though I consider myself as introvert. Saying that I try to be as polite as possible and keep on smiling as it allows people to feel more calm and brings up the mood for both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My advice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often start the conversation by politely greeting and then talk about weather. The weather outside and eg. I say &quot;I love weather. Here in Czech Rep we do have all sorts of. What (weather/stuff) do you like?&quot; and you hear what people like.. Good starter is place where other person lives or is from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If something interests you or you feel good talking about something mentioned you have found common ground. If not you can push the side you like in manner &quot;and do you like any sports?&quot; and can push it further with &quot;I love football and panoramas so I love running where you can see the mountains, sea or forest or even some amazing buildings like our famous dancing house in Prague&quot;. Often common ground is other countries, travelling and stuff.. When you know enough story you can interact to find out more. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can talk as long as you both are interested and enjoy the company. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wish you a lot of pleasant small talks on your travels and weddings. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8127" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T12:52:24.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-27T13:11:46.387" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;People will look at your mouth while you're talking for a variety of reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The person is hard of hearing or has an &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auditory_processing_disorder&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Auditory processing disorder&lt;/a&gt;, and they're looking at your mouth in an attempt to better understand what you're saying.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The person is shy or otherwise uncomfortable with maintaining eye contact for the duration of the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The person is attempting to create a greater sense of engagement with you (or is attracted to you) by using (consciously or subconsciously) the so-called  &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://lifehacker.com/use-the-triangle-technique-to-make-engaging-eye-contact-1586412923&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Triangle Technique&lt;/a&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore I don't think that you should be looking for ways to stop this behaviour. Instead, accept it as part of being human.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8409" LastEditorUserId="8409" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T13:51:56.837" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T13:51:56.837" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12395" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-27T13:34:18.437" Score="18" ViewCount="3726" Body="&lt;p&gt;The person I'm talking about is my own mother.&#xA;She has depression and she's seeing a doctor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a little rough talking about your own kind like this, but  as rough as it is, it's the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother raised me and my sisters by herself, after my dad passed away a long time ago. I think that this developed some disorder in her, and for sure, it would be a trauma for anyone having lost a deared one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue with my mother is that she is always charismatic, all smiling and stuff until she creates trouble from somewhere.&#xA;It is not something isolated, but a behaviour that she keeps doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This behaviour affects her relationships and draws everyone around her away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she was the reason of the breakup of many of my sisters relationships.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She made my aunt's life a living hell.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She will present herself friendly for a time, and then create some obnoxious situation that will break the relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem went to a point where my sister and I decided to move away from her to stay with our sanity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with this is that she stated to me that she's unhappy, and as a son I really would like to help her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would really like to be close to her, but the moment I do that, she will be possessive and it is granted that I will have a lot of problems.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I don't even want to present my girlfriend for her for this exact reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is like she is &lt;strong&gt;really happy&lt;/strong&gt;, and then she becomes &lt;strong&gt;really sad&lt;/strong&gt;. Some bipolar stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could I approach her, about seeking professional help, knowing that her reaction will be unexpected?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By unexpected, I mean that she doesn't seem to acknowledge that she draws people away, and will probably cry non-stop if I bring this subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: Not sure if important but she is married and I expend as little time with them as I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just talked to family members (sisters and aunt) about this situation and they stated that she already went to psychiatrist and counselors, and since the behavior didn't changed, I'm unsure if this is something related to a medical condition or she is just playing games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3485" LastEditorUserId="3485" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T11:26:09.527" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T11:26:09.527" Title="How can I help a close person that is toxic seek professional help?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12382" CreationDate="2018-03-27T13:50:02.377" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A job forces people to produce by, in the end, withholding something that the team member wants - pay.  (If you don't produce, you get fired and therefore don't get paid).  Team school projects don't really have that club.  What you do have, however, is the grade.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest taking a two-step approach.  The first step is to discuss the matter with the other teammates to make sure that you're all on the same page. After ensuring that you as a group agree to do this, take the second step and lay it out.  Tell him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're unhappy with his productivity&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's missed deadlines and deliverables with no notice or explanation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If this keeps up, the team will adjust the project to not need his input&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The project will be turned in and the instructor will be informed that you as a group &quot;fired&quot; him from the project&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You as a team need to see immediate improvement in these areas&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you're up front with him about the action being taken and when the deadline for change is, he really can't legitimately complain about your use of the nuclear option.  This is also a lesson in the workplace - you will continually run into people like this.  You'll need a plan to deal with this throughout your work life; this is no different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T13:50:02.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12395" CreationDate="2018-03-27T13:59:08.930" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The best thing your mother can do is pursue therapy.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We often like to think that we can step in and help those around us, but most of the time we are either not qualified, or not cognizant of the price we'd have to pay to achieve those goals (if it is even possible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By your own admission she was making your life miserable, and damaging the relationships of those around her. This is always going to be the price you pay if you engage with her prior to her getting some serious, professional help. Any attempt to help her will likely lead to the same outcome for you, and very little long term improvement on her part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best approach, and the path I urge you to follow, is to point her to the appropriate resources, keep in touch from time to time, but otherwise keep your distance, such that your own professional and romantic life don't suffer. Because carrying the responsibility for her well being on your shoulders &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; manifest itself negatively in your relationships with loved ones and coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, as far as getting her help is concerned, you should research some therapists in her area, and try to get the names of the most capable ones. Then take the time to see your mother, and have an intervention of sorts. If your sister or aunt would like to participate that's fine, but you should focus on building an atmosphere which will ensure that your mother is receptive to what you have to say, and doesn't simply get defensive and refuse to listen (you can Google this, and figure out exactly how to approach her). Explain your take on the situation (she is not only self sabotaging, but also damaging the relationships of the people around her), hand her the cards of said therapists, and urge her to see them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you must realize that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you can't force her to get help&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, and you must accept that. Your mother is an adult, and she must ultimately make - and live with - her own decisions in this matter. For yourself, you can make the decision whether you wish to continue engaging with her based on her willingness to get help, and whether she continues to try and destroy your relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T14:07:00.307" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T14:07:00.307" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-27T14:19:07.667" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;My brother has Asperger's. One of the things that they teach people with Asperger's who have trouble with social norms is that most people's gaze bounces back and forth between the eyes and mouth during a conversation. People with Asperger's have trouble making eye contact and will sometimes overcompensate by forcing eye contact for the whole conversation--this is perceived as unusual by most, like the person is staring at them. In other words, the behavior you see when people are listening to you is perfectly normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There appear to be other behavioral factors that go into how long people tend to maintain eye contact, see Scientific American's &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/eye-contact-how-long-is-too-long/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Eye Contact: How Long Is Too Long?&lt;/a&gt;. One that I have heard which is concomitant with my experience (though I have no idea if it is backed by study) is that people tend to maintain eye contact more when talking and less when listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5130" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T14:19:07.667" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-27T14:31:14.250" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I look at people's mouths when they talk. I was asked about that, several years ago. It embarrassed me. Someone noticed me doing it and I told them it's because I have difficulty concentrating on what people are saying. My stream of consciousness interferes often when I am listening to someone and my mind picks up on a point and, instead of listening, I find myself thinking of an answer to that one point. Sometimes that leads me to miss the speakers main point, or I just get bored with what they are saying and interrupt them as I no longer have interest in what they are saying, only in what they have said. If I look at their mouth it keeps reminding me that they are talking and I must listen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edited in to take account of the comment below&#xA;Yes, it's true I never really answered the question, did I? OK here are my solutions: What can be done. OK here are the possibilities.  When someone looks at your mouth, point at your eyes comically, say &quot;hey my eyes are up here&quot;. While you are speaking wear a mask that covers your mouth, with a sign on it saying &quot;Eyes this way&quot; and an arrow pointing upwards. Face with your back towards them, this way avoiding eye and mouth views. As you speak, every now and then, say things like &quot;Hey I know my mouth's pretty but the eyes get the eyes maaaayne&quot; Maybe use a little rhetorical question such as &quot;oh fascinated by mouths eh&quot; Stuff like that it all works, pretty sure of it &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15898" LastEditorUserId="15898" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T17:06:10.513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T17:06:10.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12395" CreationDate="2018-03-27T14:38:07.107" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your mother is already seeing a doctor for depression, it's very difficult for you to approach her problems from a mental-health perspective: an authority on the matter is already giving her what he or she believes that she needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps she would consent to your having a meeting with the doctor, with or without her present.  You could tell the doctor what you see is going on with her, and get direct insight into the doctor's character and also what her condition is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What else can you do?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everybody is hurtful more or less, though some people stop trying and just become toxic.  Your mother may believe that she is entitled to do this because she provided everything for you when you were little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Loving people (not just romantic love) hurts yourself.  After a time, no matter how good somebody is, they will do something bad to you.  And some people do that all the time... it was good for you to move away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to keep on giving and giving to your mother, that's a good thing, but it's gonna suck.  Also, you may be obligated to do at least a little if she doesn't have any other support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Burdens like this are really hard on people.  Take some time to learn about &lt;a href=&quot;https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/#relation&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;boundaries&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/caregiver-stress/art-20044784&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;caretaker stress&lt;/a&gt;.  You could even begin reading the &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/B005CWSBWK&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;books&lt;/a&gt; and articles intended for people with bipolar family members whether or not your mother already has a diagnosis of bipolar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you are religious, look into your religious institution for support.  They have dealt with people for generations and have special insight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T17:27:22.843" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T17:27:22.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-27T14:38:17.940" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;More than likely, they are uncomfortable with prolonged periods of eye contact.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a &lt;em&gt;good friend&lt;/em&gt; who often glances at my forehead/hair line whenever I am speaking to him. Like you, I became somewhat annoyed with it. I did end up asking him why in a friendly tone and some laughter:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, just out of curiosity, is there a reason you glance at my forehead when we talk?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh, sorry! I didn't realize I did that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally find myself looking past the person at something in the background after a few seconds of eye contact.  For me, if the other person is continuously giving eye contact with no breaks, I feel obliged to match their eye contact and more uncomfortable in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you are often communicating with strangers, don't ask them about it, because you may embarrass them. They likely don't realize they're looking at your mouth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12928" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T14:38:17.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12395" CreationDate="2018-03-27T15:48:16.720" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off when your Mom tells you she is unhappy,  it could be a metaphorical cry for help.  Or it could be her trying to manipulate you through guilt.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't tell from your question which it is.  Some things you've said lead me to think she is trying to manipulate you into giving her what she wants.  But it could just be that she is in a lot of pain and doesn't know how to deal with it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So as others have recommended She needs counseling (in my opinion nearly all of us do, some more urgently though).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to tell her,  Often there is no good way to do this but you have a tool.  User your moms expressed unhappiness.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom I love you and want you to be happy.  Would you consider seeing one of these psychologists/therapists/counselors, that I've researched, just for a couple months. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is probably going to object.  Most people still have a stigma about seeing a counselor. Just explain that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is ok to seek help. These trained professionals&#xA;  can do a much better job than I can and helping you learn how&#xA;  to live happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because being happy is in large part a learned skill. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;And this is where you learn if she is really reaching out for help or is just trying to manipulate you.&lt;/strong&gt;  If she insists that you should be solving her problems.  That you need to do x, y, or Z to make her happy.  Then it is very likely that she is not honestly seeking help but rather trying to manipulate you.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way she is going to get mad and defensive and probably cry.  If she is earnestly willing to truly seek help to be happy then you both should be able to get past those reactions with in 2 conversation max and have a real discussion about how she can get help.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will be better able to have this conversation if you do some research on the benefits of counseling and if you can find some examples of people she admires who have had counseling.  People she knows personally is best but famous people will work so long as she admires them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once heard Jordan Peterson (clinical psychologist in Toronto) say that &quot;the first rule of counseling is that the person has to want help.&quot;  (paraphrased from his maps of meaning course.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you do if the person you love and want to help does not want your help? You live a good life.  Show them an example of how to live correctly or at least how to try to live correctly, hopefully you know how to do that,  take responsibility for your self, treat others kindly and fairly, and don't let other people walk on you. To wit you will probably need to enforce some boundaries with your mom as well, to protect yourself from her toxicity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T17:14:49.037" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T17:14:49.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12406" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-27T16:21:20.577" Score="1" ViewCount="441" Body="&lt;p&gt;My significant other got rid of old stuff and things he not longer needs from his house, that included things from past relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I saw the other day in his desk some songs he wrote to his ex, I didn't say anything since he is a musician and his job is to make music. However, it feels as if he kept them to entertain nostalgic sentiments for his ex. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am concerned and wonder why he has kept stuff from other relationships? I always get rid of past relationship things, but I can't expect for everyone to do as me. I don't want to cause trouble, but i do feel uncomfortable, since he keeps contact with her due to parenting. I don't want to be the person that demands him to get rid of things that he worked on. I'm sure if I bring this up he will throw them away or at least change their name. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, how do I talk to him about this? What do I say in a way that he does not become defensive or offended?&#xA;I will talk to him but before that I want to think this through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15903" LastEditorUserId="12720" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T02:53:34.260" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T02:53:34.260" Title="My significant other has stuff from a past relationship that is also part of his work" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2018-03-27T17:09:53.463" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12407" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12406" CreationDate="2018-03-27T16:40:09.830" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you need to resolve your feelings on this issue.  So you should talk to him about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1)  ask him for a half hour to talk about something very important&lt;/strong&gt;.   you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Honey can I have a half hour (or 15 mintues ) about something that has&#xA;  been bothering me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) tell him how you feel.&lt;/strong&gt;  Stay calm and don't accuse him of anything, and keep it short for now.  You'r just giving him the background on why you wanted to talk.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3) Ask him why he keeps the songs.&lt;/strong&gt;  Make sure to listen to what he says.   You could swap the order of #2 and #3  based on what you think will help him feel less &quot;accused&quot; of wrong doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4) continue discussing things as needed.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5) Decide if you are ok with him keeping the songs or if you are not.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've  made your decision you may need to have another conversation with him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck figuring out how to feel about those songs.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit #1 It's not really related to the question but I felt the need to add some advice on staying calm during hard conversations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time feelings escalate (voices rise in volume or pitch,  or your heart starts beating fast) try doing the following.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1)Pause, just stop talking a take a few second pause.  You can pause for 10 seconds or more if needed.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;2) take a deep slow breath. Repeat until your feeling calmer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3486" LastEditorUserId="3486" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T17:12:29.100" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T17:12:29.100" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12410" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12276" CreationDate="2018-03-27T17:47:16.727" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly I'd like to address your comment about how &quot;we can't live in fear&quot;. While I agree that it is unproductive to have a life which is dictated by fear, fear is a very important survival mechanism, which should not be ignored for the sake of short term peace of mind. Instead, fear can and should be used productively in situations like the one you have described.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To report the aggressive person to a higher authority doesn't seem to make sense as they haven't actually committed any crime or even threatened to, they are just generally short-tempered, and escalating the situation in that way may just escalate their bad temper or aggressive behavior in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that reporting the aggressive person is absolutely a good first step in a situation like this. Although they are not yet guilty of a crime, if you recognize the potential for a situation to become violent or unsafe, a person with authority should be made aware. Sometimes behavioral subtleties can be missed by people such as managers who do not have daily interactions with the person in question, and unproductive outbursts or poor performance may not always be associated with violent tendencies. If you are concerned about the party in question becoming upset by this reporting, suggest that the manager or person in charge keep the interaction confidential, and simply make them aware of the concerns that you (and likely others) may have. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making a superior aware of these kinds of concerns has several benefits: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The superior will have a better understanding of the atmosphere the problematic person is creating in the workplace &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The superior may be prompted take steps to mitigate violent actions &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; they occur&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The superior may have additional insight for you to either prepare yourself or to alleviate your concerns&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond alerting a superior, I would say the best thing you can do for your personal safety is &lt;em&gt;to have a plan&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step you could take here is to make yourself aware of the policies and plans your school or workplace has in place in the event of an active shooter or another violent encounter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will use the school as an example since this is what you listed. A typical order of events might be something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Aggressive person begins committing violent acts&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone identifies this, and alerts the proper authorities&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Authorities receive the call, and implement their internal procedures to react&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of a school, alerting a professor or another faculty member will likely prompt them to contact the most convenient local authority such as campus security to make them aware of a potential future threat. Advanced knowledge like this is invaluable as a security person, because even though their job is to always be ready, advanced warning can really speed things along - for example, a responding officer can have weapons or protective equipment on hand,rather than having to run to several different places to retrieve necessary items. Seconds or minutes are very important in these cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;regardless of whether the person in charge contacts the local authorities, you should as well. Multiple reports of the same potential threat make each one more credible. Furthermore, doing research ahead of time on what the proper authorities are to contact can greatly reduce response time in the event of a violent encounter, such as calling campus security directly prior to dialing 911.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, pay attention to your surroundings. I would say this applies all the time, but especially when you feel unsafe. Know where the exits are, if you can position yourself in your classroom or office in such a way that you have good visibility as well as several exit strategies, and have pertinent emergency phone numbers on speed dial. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T17:47:16.727" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12411" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-27T18:19:01.627" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but don't be so sensitive.  There is no practical way to get people to look at your face the way that you want. People are going to interact and converse with others the usual way they are accustomed to and aren't going to respond well to any efforts to change that.  Best you can do is not worry about it so much, or even at all.  The only success I can imagine having is perhaps in teaching your own children to only look at your eyes when speaking.  Forget about anyone else.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15907" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T18:19:01.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12412" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12382" CreationDate="2018-03-27T18:47:05.023" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speaking practically, you cannot force the teammate to do anything.  Ultimately, your team is responsible for a product/output, and if it fails, then you all fail.  If you know that you cannot depend on a lazy team member, then you can adapt by picking up that slack.  That's more work for you and the other team members, but you don't have a better choice if you really care about producing the best product that you can.  Furthermore, the effort, time, and stress wasted on pushing a boulder up a hill is better spent on the product, because then you might produce something.  Pushing a boulder uphill is Sysiphusian.  In a nutshell, proceed as a group and proceed as if lazy-guy is not involved (he's dragging you down like an anchor, so cut the dead weight and move faster).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above is the practical solution to finishing your assignment to the best of your ability.  Now, the next problem is whether he will be a free-rider (get a good mark/score for doing very little), or whether your team makes the decision to officially kick him out of the group.  Even if you don't have that authority, it is up to you which names go on the project.  If you decide to kick him out, then be prepared to scrupulously defend that position with documented evidence, and consider that the teacher might view this outcome as a failure of the entire team, so this approach is not without risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, every team project, whether in grade school, college, grad school, or in the real world, all have the same problems.  There's always at least one slacker, and often you don't have an authority figure that you can take this problem to that won't backfire in some way.  So, for me, I make sure that I am never that slacker, and I'm prepared to do the whole thing myself unless I am pleasantly surprised that there's another teammate who takes this seriously.  Those &quot;serious&quot; teammates are gold, and make the project a good experience.  All these years later, they're the ones I remember.  Focus on them, forget the lazy guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit:&lt;/em&gt;  Consider how things will probably play out if you could force lazy-guy to act the way you want.  Do people in that position often feel humbled and decide to pick up their game and prove everyone wrong?  Or do most people get defensive and seek petty revenge?  Will you be able to trust the work product that the now-besmirched guy will produce?  Will it take more effort to uncover any software bugs that he might maliciously hide just to &quot;teach you a lesson&quot;?  It's unlikely that a scenario exists where this all ends with everyone happy, so seek to maximize the good, rather than eliminating the bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15910" LastEditorUserId="15910" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T18:53:59.567" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T18:53:59.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-27T18:52:50.850" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just be honest and tell them that it makes you uncomfortable. Beware though, it might make them even more uncomfortable in the future when they try to lock eyes with you for an entire conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15912" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T18:52:50.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12276" CreationDate="2018-03-27T19:00:19.450" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Those outbursts are dealt with by administrators but are not always grounds to permanently remove the aggressive member of the group. Eventually after so many outbursts and continued poor performance, the aggressive person is told their time with the group is up and they'll have to leave at a certain date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...group members go on in their work while feeling threatened by this person's potential to become violent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You should let the administrators know how the situation makes you feel, privately.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addressing the group's need for safety, which they seem to believe has been addressed, administrators are responsible for your &lt;strong&gt;perceived safety,&lt;/strong&gt; that is, your reasonable expectation of not coming to harm by participating in the group.  If there is no way to change the plan regarding this individual, the administrators should provide you some accommodation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safety#Types&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia's entry on safety&lt;/a&gt; has some more information about the distinction of &quot;perceived safety&quot; and other categories, such as &lt;em&gt;normative&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;substantive&lt;/em&gt; safety.  So much to say, &lt;em&gt;perceived safety&lt;/em&gt; is an important component of Safety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T19:00:19.450" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12415" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12416" CreationDate="2018-03-27T19:11:12.517" Score="26" ViewCount="13230" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm filling out a short resume sort of form to apply for a volunteer leadership position and one question I need to answer is, &quot;Why do you want to come back as a leader? What makes you good for this position?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a born leader with strong leadership qualities and I would like to make them known without seeming arrogant or desperate. I know that arrogance is a turn-off in many workplaces.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; have experience in leadership positions, so simply stating my past experience might be all I need to do. However, past experience comes in a different section of this resume, and both items are required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I say I am an outstanding leader without directly stating such and without seeming arrogant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is - &lt;strong&gt;How can I express my experience as being a (good) leader without coming across as arrogant?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15914" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T17:57:01.610" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T17:57:01.610" Title="How can I say I am an outstanding leader without sounding arrogant?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;leadership&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-04-02T06:42:39.800" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12415" CreationDate="2018-03-27T19:21:29.793" Score="82" Body="&lt;p&gt;First rule:  &lt;strong&gt;SHOW, DON'T TELL&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that is useful in selling yourself in job hunting and other aspects of life are what are called &quot;CAR stories&quot;  C.A.R. stands for &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Challenge &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Action&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Result&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to sell your leadership skills, put things in terms of what leadership challenge you faced, what actions you took and what was the end result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I remember when we were faced with a widget shortage and we were at risk of shutting down.  Senior management was unavailable, so I took it upon myself to send Bob to a supplier an hour away so he could pick up enough widgets to last us until the shipment came in.  We didn't have to shut down and management was impressed when they heard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't say &quot;Hey, I'm a fantastic leader&quot; you show the fact by telling stories about things that you have actually done.  SHOW them your leadership skills through your C.A.R. stories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to look into picking up &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;keywords=how+to+toot+your+own+horn+without+blowing+it&amp;amp;tag=mh0b-20&amp;amp;index=aps&amp;amp;hvadid=77927941440458&amp;amp;hvqmt=b&amp;amp;hvbmt=bb&amp;amp;hvdev=c&amp;amp;ref=pd_sl_8qgbc7bb1t_b&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;THIS BOOK&lt;/a&gt; for examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T19:21:29.793" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12395" CreationDate="2018-03-27T20:45:21.930" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all: You are very brave for sharing your plight when your SE username is also your real name (maybe I'm wrong in making that assumption, and if I am: sorry!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really wanted to provide a helpful answer, but I wanted to ask for clarification: you mentioned that your mother has ruined relationships with her direct family members, and have provided good anecdotes. When you say &quot;made my aunt's life a living hell&quot;, was this also relationship-related (as was the conflict between your mother and sisters)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you state she presents herself friendly for some time, and then creates conflict, how so? Are relationships the most convenient method for her to stir trouble? i.e. if she knows your sisters have boyfriends, and she has been &quot;friendly for some time&quot; with any one of them, would she then use her knowledge of those relationships as the most convenient way to stir trouble? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to determine what exactly triggers your mother's desire to create conflict. I think what would help with that is to better study each scenario where she has created conflict, where you evaluate:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the environment/conversation/context that directly precede an event where she creates conflict.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the information she uses to create the conflict (are relationships just the easiest way?).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that, if you can gather such information, you may be better equipped to solve your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15702" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T20:45:21.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12395" CreationDate="2018-03-27T21:11:09.980" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Other answers have a lot of good advice. There is one very important thing to keep in mind though. That you are not responsible to save your mother and make her happy. And you actually can't. Most likely she thinks that if you do x, y, z then she will be happy. But it is unlikely the case. She has a husband, her own life, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You respect her as your mother, you love her, you can support her to a reasonable extend but responsibility for her life lies with her. She managed to bring you up somehow after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That means, you can talk with her sometimes, suggest things if you feel like doing so, etc. The thing is to not accept responsibility for her life or feel guilty that she is not happy. Unfortunately we can't fix others. It's a pita that fixing others appears much easier than fixing ourselves 8-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reading your question, it sounds like living on your own and building your own life is what you want. And it is likely what you need. It would be a good idea for you to see a counselor (yes &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, not your mother). You are in a very difficult emotional situation and I can feel for you (especially because the difficulties during your childhood). I tend to try &quot;helping&quot; others and had many situations where that proved not to be a good idea. Actually what I write above, I'm telling it actually to me, hoping to remember it next time I need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9267" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T21:11:09.980" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12415" CreationDate="2018-03-27T21:33:24.313" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't say &quot;outstanding leader&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Outline the traits and practices that make you an outstanding leader. Outline your leadership experience and accomplishments.  If you are an &quot;outstanding leader&quot; then you should have good communication and influence skills. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T21:41:26.413" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T21:41:26.413" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12420" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12433" CreationDate="2018-03-27T21:34:40.267" Score="63" ViewCount="27233" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend - let's call her Jane. Jane's a nice gal. We get along, meetup from time to time (when she doesn't decide to cancel at the last hour) and is someone I actually like hanging out with. As of late I've been turned off from trying to do anything with her because 3 times out of 5 she cancels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple months ago she gave me a video camera after I asked to borrow one for a project. She said I could keep it and after I sheepishly asked if she was sure she said it was really okay because it was old/she had newer equipment/was getting a new one for her birthday. I accepted the gift happily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This next part probably isn't so relevant but it bothers me; I had a showing for my video, something that she knew I worked hard at for months. She RSVP'd as going and cancelled a few days before the premier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyhow Jane messaged me to meetup so I can explain cryptocurrencies to her. It ended like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also - could you bring my camera? I'm working on a few projects that require multiple recording devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the read of it, I'm unclear whether she:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wants to borrow the gift she remembers giving me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wants to keep the gift she remembers giving me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wants to keep the gift she does not remember giving me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wants to borrow the gift she does not remember giving me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts me in a strange spot because I don't know whether I'll get the camera back and, even though replacing it wouldn't be trouble, it still kind of sucks that a friend would take a gift back... but I don't even know if that's what she intends to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I clarify that the camera is mine (which us uncomfortable to say since it was hers) and that I would like it back in a way that isn't super awkward?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The ideal outcome&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane and I are still friends (even if just unreliably so)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Update&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ended up going in with a combination of Val's directness and LinuxBlanket's show of appreciation. I said something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, thanks for letting me use the camera! It really helped out :) Of course I'll bring it. Do you think I can have it back? Or should I buy a new one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, while I'm still not sure that it's &quot;mine&quot; I feel like that doesn't matter - I can use it more or less when I need to and we're still friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for the advice... for a little bit hearing everyone out felt like playing &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twitch_Plays_Pok%C3%A9mon&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;pokemon twitch for relationships&lt;/a&gt; but it all worked out :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15921" LastEditorUserId="15921" LastEditDate="2018-04-04T21:54:32.330" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T21:54:32.330" Title="How do I clarify that the gift someone gave me is mine when they are asking for it back?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12422" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12420" CreationDate="2018-03-27T22:09:25.997" Score="63" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's nothing inherently wrong or awkward in asking Jane directly whether the camera was a gift or not. However, as you yourself point out, it could be very awkward depending on the person you ask. If you don't feel comfortable asking Jane directly, you could answer something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sure thing! It was a great gift by the way, it was exactly what I needed for my project. Keep it as long as you need! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you can underline that the camera is now yours with a simple passing remark, without it being the focus of the discourse and calling too much attention. Also, since you take for granted that the camera is yours, the awkwardness if correcting you is now on her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if she &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; state that she never intended to give you the camera as a present, you may want to minimise the &quot;overall awkwardness&quot; and say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah sorry, I must have misunderstood you. No problem, of course; I thought it was a gift because you told me I could keep it. Sorry again! Anyhow, what are the projects about? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, keep it short and simple, and straight to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T08:25:38.187" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T08:25:38.187" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12420" CreationDate="2018-03-27T22:14:22.517" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to resolve a misunderstanding or confirm everybody is on the same page is to clearly communicate about it with all parties involved. I have found this to save a lot of time/confusion/angst in my own life and friendships, even though it means I sometimes ask redundant or &quot;dumb&quot; questions about others intentions/meanings. Clearly spelling things out can be awkward in the moment, but then allows people to feel comfortable that there are no misunderstandings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This line (emphasis added):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;could you bring &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; camera?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is causing you some confusion, understandably. When asking for clarification, assuming the best from others prevents parties from feeling wrongly accused and implies your understanding of the situation. In this case assume (or at least communicate as though you assume) that Jane used &quot;my&quot; instead of &quot;your&quot; not because she feels she still is the owner of the camera, but because it was hers and she is requesting to borrow that specific one from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly communicating does not mean that you have to be blunt, you can indirectly/gently force the topic to gain clarity, perhaps without Jane even realizing that you are clarifying a point. This will minimize awkwardness, which is something you requested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either before or during your meetup, you can push for clarity by asking a totally normal question of somebody lending a friend something:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When should I plan on having this camera back? (&lt;em&gt;Optionally add context, i.e.:&lt;/em&gt; I was planning on using it for X project next month)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This carries the clear implication that the camera is, in your eyes, your belonging without accusing Jane of thinking otherwise. If Jane actually does agree with you on who owns the camera, or realizes that she was considering it as hers but revises her view after you prompt her to think about, then its just lending things to friends as usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Jane has in fact considered the camera as hers this whole time and thus has no expectation of returning it, the ball is now in her court to clear up this misunderstanding. The following conversation may be a little awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you'd prefer to minimize awkwardness and that you could replace the camera if she was going to keep it. If Jane plans on keeping the camera and tells you so, you could choose to express some disappointment at the gift takeback:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, when you told me I could keep it a few months ago, I thought you meant for good&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you can diffuse most awkwardness by telling her that its not a big deal and that you will just get a replacement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T18:01:29.467" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T18:01:29.467" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-27T22:18:48.110" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Look Away&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with almost everyone else here. Some people are uncomfortable with eye contact and will look elsewhere to be more comfortable. I know I am and I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, by the same token, if you're feeling uncomfortable, its reasonable to break face to face contact once in awhile. Turn your head to look out the window as you talk, look down at the document you're discussing, or even just look off in a different direction to suggest you're thinking deeply about the conversation. This takes some consideration and practice to not look awkward, but it is at least something within your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, this can also help to put certain people at ease, as they don't need to worry about how much eye contact they're making. It sounds like you're fairly good at reading your customers' body language, so keep an eye out if they seem a bit uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5698" LastEditorUserId="5698" LastEditDate="2018-03-27T22:24:42.473" LastActivityDate="2018-03-27T22:24:42.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12276" CreationDate="2018-03-28T01:51:59.040" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;In these cases what is one to do?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer will focus more on pre-emptive conflict prevention because although completely preventing conflict may be impossible/undesirable, knowing what to do and what not to do around a person of concern will greatly reduce the number and aggressiveness of said conflicts which makes it the most effective method in achieving your goal (personal safety).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, preventing and escalating conflict can both be done in healthy or unhealthy ways for a relationship. Escalating the conflict in an unhealthy way is usually the cause for the violent behaviour you are worried about. Preventing the conflict in an unhealthy way may not cause a violent outburst but it is still worth noting how not to do this as building a better relationship/method of dealing with conflict while not as direct of a solution, is still important when considering long-term solutions for co-workers or peers that you will be around for years to come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm440-540/escalate.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Negative conflict cycles:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Competitive conflict escalation&lt;/strong&gt; - This is the most common way people try to &quot;deal&quot; with conflict and it is also the most worrying.&#xA;Competitive conflict escalation spawns an intense spiral of action&#xA;and reaction and noticing and stopping this cycle is the crux of what&#xA;you need to do if you want to ensure the safety of yourself/others in&#xA;while regularly working with an aggressive and unpredictable person.&#xA;Behaviours associated with this cycle are a rigid view on a problem&#xA;where someone is right and someone is wrong. When a small&#xA;disagreement gets over-analysed in order to &quot;resolve&quot; the conflict,&#xA;it encourages aggressive/defensive interactions where people are&#xA;likely to try and &quot;win&quot; the disagreement at all costs. They may bring&#xA;up old baggage, bring down the other person/s and even &lt;em&gt;make&#xA;threats&lt;/em&gt;. Blaming, intensely critiquing and insisting on a certain perspective all cause the person to feel defensive and starts the competitive conflict escalation cycle all over again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoidance&lt;/strong&gt; - Avoidance is the approach that all conflict, of any sort is inherently bad. It occurs when someone changes the subject whenever there are any conflicting views and can result in an excess of unresolved issues and raise overall tensions between the person/s involved.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Chilling&lt;/strong&gt; - Chilling is the approach that conflict is unimportant and occurs when someone drastically decreases the communication in a relationship with the belief that dealing with the conflict is not worth it. This results in the relationship effectively ending, it may avoid physical harm but is damaging to your efficiency in the workplace.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;So how should you approach conflicts in order to prevent them from escalating?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By remaining calm, listening, keeping your viewpoints open and adaptable, focusing on the mutual goal when dealing with a conflict rather than your opposing differences and stopping any finger pointing/competitive conflict escalation behaviours as early as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T01:51:59.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12415" CreationDate="2018-03-28T05:02:13.460" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Agreed the show don’t tell advice is perfect. But you can give examples, a few stories about how your leadership made a difference or how you took over when a leader had failed or similar situations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, what about what other people have said about you? Perhaps you have an award, maybe you can refer to somebody who had claimed you were good leader or said something worth mentioning about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there accomplishments you have that will back up your claim of being a good leader? For example if you were a Boy Scout, the leader of a Boy Scout troop or simply the leader of something else you could talk about how effective your leadership was in different situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other specific situation that you could mention are where your leadership came in handy, if a child was in trouble and you helped, or someone was confused and you lead them to clarity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15937" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T06:54:47.807" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T06:54:47.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12255" CreationDate="2018-03-28T05:05:39.747" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe you put it back on yourself rather than on them. For example you explain to them that you were in a similar situation and how you resolved. Perhaps you wrote something and you turned it in and it was a mess and then you had somebody help you clean it up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put yourself in the person’s shoes try to understand her motivations and reasonings and their position how they feel about themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How sensitive is this person are they really sensitive about their writing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Has anyone else looked at this book and do they feel the same way perhaps they can approach this person. Or if the person is young perhaps you can get a mom or a dad to approach them so that you don’t have to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course the painful choice is to do nothing which may in fact be the right choice&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15937" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T05:05:39.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12433" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12420" CreationDate="2018-03-28T06:37:09.240" Score="150" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my personal opinion it doesn't look like a gift. She said you can keep it, not it's yours. It looks more like a long term loan. The proof is also given from the fact that she said &quot;&lt;strong&gt;bring MY camera&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask her: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;do you think I can have it back? Or should I buy a new one? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are really interested in this friendship, even if it doesn't look very strong to me, in my opinion you should buy your own camera, so you will avoid this awkward situation in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10527" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T09:53:27.050" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T09:53:27.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12277" CreationDate="2018-03-28T06:56:22.830" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't get this question at all. If you ask someone their name and they tell you, why would it even matter to you if they are telling the truth, unless you are going to do a research project on them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, the awkwardness would have been due to you not wanting to accept that his name was 'Mike'. I would very much doubt if they even considered that your response was racist. Weird - yes, but racist - no. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pause (five seconds) is perfectly natural if your retelling of the story is accurate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I never caught any of your names, what is your name?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pause is most likely because of a thought process, along these lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Umm &lt;em&gt;... I never actually told him my name... so, obviously he didn't catch it... yeah, whatever, I guess I can tell him my name...&lt;/em&gt; Mike. My name is Mike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A much better approach (to avoid awkward pauses), when you want to find out someone's name, and you know that no names have been mentioned yet, is the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By the way, I am &lt;em&gt;Crazy Cucumber&lt;/em&gt;. It has been nice to meet you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, depending on the usual social practices where you are living, you could also extend your hand as you introduce yourself. This approach will prompt the other person (or persons) to follow suit and tell you their names. No awkwardness - I guarantee it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T06:56:22.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12435" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12475" CreationDate="2018-03-28T07:40:16.953" Score="56" ViewCount="14544" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are certain people, especially family members you see from time to time or other close relatives, who simply don't know where to stop when offering you something. Usually it's about drinking alcohol, eating cake or other things I &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; do because everyone else does that too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they ask me whether I want it, I just say &lt;em&gt;&quot;no, thank you&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and then it starts... it turns out it wasn't a polite question but actually an order so they start digging why I don't want to drink with them or why I don't eat this delicious cake?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It never stops until it's too much for me and I end the conversation with &lt;em&gt;&quot;It's enough now, I won't drink it!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or I simply throw in &lt;em&gt;&quot;Stop, it's not your business&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know they are the ones being rude by insisting on me doing something I don't want to but still, I wouldn't like to end it this way and prefer them leaving me alone without starting an argument or insulting someone with a pretty impolite response... or maybe there is no other way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to explain myself why I refuse to do something (like many answers suggest: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12209/15939&quot;&gt;one&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/11929/15939&quot;&gt;two&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/11852/15939&quot;&gt;three&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/8479/15939&quot;&gt;four&lt;/a&gt; - please don't get me wrong, these are all good answers, however not for this scenario). It's not their business and I don't want to discuss this with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't know what else to say but explaining my self like: &lt;em&gt;I don't like it&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;I already ate&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;I'm tired&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;I'm allergic&lt;/em&gt; (not really, but sounds like a good excuse), or even &lt;em&gt;I prefer not to drink from this cup because it looks dirty&lt;/em&gt; etc. etc. which usually doesn't work well because they very quickly will crush it and come up with an &lt;em&gt;anti-reason&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case there is no good way of handling this without excuses maybe there is some ultimate universal excuse that cannot be undermined easily and will stop these pointless conversations before they escalate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15939" LastEditorUserId="15996" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T02:11:50.323" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T16:09:23.340" Title="How do you deal with someone who's pushing you without explaining yourself?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="18" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T07:54:24.653" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, your answers are not rude, you are just defending yourself. Imagine someone threatens you with a knife, is it rude if you punch him?&#xA;If they insist, you could simply repeat &quot;No, thank you&quot;. Maybe you can start a conversation with someone else, so they are less likely to bother you again. If they ask again simply stick to your answer &quot;No, thank you&quot;.&#xA;Another possible answer, after they asked more than once, is &quot;How often do I have to decline&quot;, that is a polite way of saying, &quot;Do you not understand meaning of the word No?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11838" LastEditorUserId="251" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T09:00:17.917" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T09:00:17.917" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12277" CreationDate="2018-03-28T08:05:18.083" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You were an idiot. That's it. Don't worry about it. You're just a human being like the rest of us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, please note that a name is just a label. Next time, if someone gives you a seemingly different name they want to go by, just go with that name. They have their reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, my landlord likes to pretend he's just a worker for my landlord, not the landlord himself. This is just a white lie. I just go with it. I'm not going to embarrass him for it. If I need a repair, I already have a number to call anyway. And embarrassing him would serve no purpose whatsoever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For others still, they give different names depending on which circle of friends they're currently talking with. And there is nothing wrong with such behavior either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worst case scenario, a criminal is giving you a different name because they want to scam you, or because they want to hide something from you. Even in such a scenario, you don't embarrass them, you just go with it and see what their endgame is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T08:05:18.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12438" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-28T08:16:42.580" Score="3" ViewCount="604" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work with a lady who sometimes uses an extremely irritating voice. She is very friendly, and I enjoy talking to her, but when she uses this certain voice I just want to pull my hair out. I try to get busy with something else but this seems to confuse her and she persists. The voice is high pitched and whiny. I think she thinks she’s being cute or playful when she uses it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I point this out and ask her to stop without offending her? I would like to be subtle but all I can think of is ‘can you please not use that voice you’re talking with right now?’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15945" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T08:25:53.707" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T08:37:28.220" Title="How to ask someone not to use a voice that irritates me?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-03-28T13:25:48.223" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T08:18:16.237" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here are some suggestions that are perhaps more effective for larger family gatherings or business events, though they may be less helpful in smaller, more intimate settings, which some of the other answers already address.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stalling&lt;/strong&gt; can be a great technique to use in these settings, e.g. you can say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;sure, I will in a bit!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and it's likely that the pushy person won't follow you around the family gathering to make sure you try the food or drinks.  A bit later, if they see you and ask again, you can tell a white lie, e.g. say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've tried it already, it was great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they instead ask you at the end of the party, you can go with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, it slipped my mind!  I'll be sure to try it next time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find that stalling does not work, because, say, you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have someone following you around and making sure you take a piece of cake or a glass of wine, etc., then your next option could be to simply &lt;strong&gt;take the offer&lt;/strong&gt;, say thank you, walk away, and then find a good time and place to discard the food or drink.  For example, if it is alcohol, you can go to the bathroom with it and then pour the drink down the toilet or the sink. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You might want to hold onto the plate and utensils, or the empty bottle of beer, to give the impression that you've consumed it.)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether you're stalling or accepting the offer and then discarding the contents later, &lt;strong&gt;always respond with a smile&lt;/strong&gt;, so that there is minimal questioning by the person who is being pushy.  If you respond aggressively, they will tend to ask you &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; questions, e.g. &quot;but why won't you?&quot; or &quot;what's wrong?&quot;, which makes it more difficult for you to navigate these situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sources:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.webmd.com/diet/obesity/features/how-say-no-food-pushers#3&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.webmd.com/diet/obesity/features/how-say-no-food-pushers#3&lt;/a&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/nutrition_articles.asp?id=1685&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/nutrition_articles.asp?id=1685&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T01:53:24.190" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T01:53:24.190" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T08:20:42.647" Score="13" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or maybe there is some ultimate univeral excuse that cannot be&#xA;  undermined easily and will stop this pointless conversations before&#xA;  they escalate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It depends on how confrontational you want to be. Some of these people are your family members or friends, and you have a interest in not upsetting them or making them dislike you. Being confrontational about this has a chance of doing that. It all depends on the character of people you're talking to, of course, but if you're dealing with people who will just not take no for an answer, making made-up excuses will usually make it worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My aunt is like this, and sometimes she will just &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; stop nagging. In these instances, I found making up a excuse to be extremely detrimental in the long run. Whatever you present - they'll try and find a way around it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of these incidents included me not wanting to come to a ski trip because I didn't feel like spending my holidays that way. I didn't want to hurt her feelings too much so I made up something about having no money to go, which resulted in her raising money from my father and herself to pay for my trip expenses. In the end, I went on the trip against my wishes - an issue that could have been avoided if I had been truthful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't completly avoid upsetting people by refusing to comply, but you can set your own boundaries. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I don't want to do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they insist&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to talk about this anymore&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And just keep saying that. It'll get better after the first couple of times. Once they get the hang you'll assert your boundaries, they'll ease off quicker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T08:20:42.647" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12441" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12438" CreationDate="2018-03-28T08:32:27.847" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;We do have some people around us with some irritating voice, but this is what nature gave them. It's not something you can change (it's a different thing if she talks with you only in that way). Anything here you might try to stop her talking in that voice will be considered rude. Therefore, I will suggest you to do something that you will admire and helps you divert your attention from her voice. Something that you might admire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you've mentioned that she is very friendly and you enjoy talking with her, then it'll be easy to find something that you might like about her. So, try focusing on that more than her voice. After a while, you will be habitual of her voice and it won't irritate you anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit after pointed out that she uses that voice sometimes:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try reminding her like (in a humor tone to avoid appearing rude),&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes your voice sounds really irritating. I can hear your properly so  can you please keep calm and speak a little softly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A gentle reminder does make them pay attention to their voice and improve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T13:16:07.703" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T13:16:07.703" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12438" CreationDate="2018-03-28T08:46:25.833" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I exactly know what you feel, this kind of stuff makes me crazy too.&#xA;You've got two choices here :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A) Never talk to her again, which will be hard since you're working together, and which does not really answer your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B) Talk to her directly about that, that's my option, it's not an easy talk but she will understand that this is very childish and annoying, other people might have told her already in the past. If she is adult and mature,she will know you're not being mean, just annoyed by this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking to people about their behavior is hard but it's not rude, she is the one that is being weird and annoying, not you, you're in full right to talk to her...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worst case scenario : she will talk with her other fairy friend with her tiny weirdo voice about what you told her, they will think that you're really not funny, and that you're an adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their is no easy path with this one, just don't be aggressive when telling it, just use a neutral tone, and that should go easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user14435" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user14435" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T14:13:51.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T09:10:45.337" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;What works for me with the food pushing relatives is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saying something like &quot;I'm sure it's delicious / That looks nice - but I don't want any at the moment&quot; the first time. This should make it clear to well-meaning people that you don't have anything against their food, you're just not hungry/in the mood.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saying a brief and neutral &quot;No, thank you&quot; about 1 to 3 times when the pushing is repeated.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After that just completely ignoring any more offers and talking about something else, if necessary with somebody else. Just don't engage. Convince yourself that it's not a big deal and that it's the most natural thing to decline food when you're not hungry - because it is. Don't apologise, don't explain anymore, act like its completely normal and not a big deal. Maybe their offer of food is an involuntary action to them, like coughing or farting, so just politely overlook it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they're still pushing after being ignored a few times, do yourself a favour and leave their presence. They are actively being hostile towards you and don't respect your free will. If another relative asks &quot;Why did you leave&quot; and you feel like the answer would change something you could say &quot;Uncle Bob was really making things very uncomfortable for me when he tried to force feed me that cake, so I left.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastEditorUserId="1798" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T14:23:13.597" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T14:23:13.597" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12444" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12420" CreationDate="2018-03-28T09:14:51.747" Score="16" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also - could you bring my camera? I'm working on a few projects that&#xA;  require multiple recording devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people believe a gift they give is always theirs. They give you something secondhand they no longer have any use for. You honestly believe it was given as a gift so now belongs to you to dispose of as you wish. They believe it is a long term loan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father gave my sister something as a teenager, as an adult in her 30's she sold it, he was annoyed as it wasn't hers to sell. I bought his old camera off him, then gave it to my sister, he was angry at me as i should have given it back to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds as if Jane falls into that category. my father and mother-in-law also fall into that category.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing you can say, just accept it and buy your own camera. I know this isn't a communication answer as sometimes there is just nothing to be gained from further communication Jane has said everything you need to know in that one phrase &quot;my camera&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T09:14:51.747" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T09:33:31.083" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One simple trick I can think of is asking a question rather than stating your point of view, so that will make your relatives(or anybody else at the gathering) think rather than insist. An example of the question is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it possible that I don't like $product_name (at the moment)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't tried it myselt to be honest, but it seems to be worth trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S.: let me know how it works in comments, if u try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastEditorUserId="1785" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T15:26:33.907" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T15:26:33.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12446" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12438" CreationDate="2018-03-28T09:34:49.423" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no way to guarantee that a person will not be offended when you tell them something like this. You might say the same thing to two different people and have one be offended and one not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do is try to limit the likelihood and depth of any offence she may take, but whatever you do is almost certainly likely to be awkward for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don’t have direct experience of having someone tell me they found my voice annoying, but this is reminding me of a couple of instances where I was made aware that something about my behaviour was irritating a person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One was at school, I’d not long moved schools and had started hanging about with a certain group at break and lunch, after a little while one member of the group just stopped talking to me. She didn’t avoid me, just kind of pretended I wasn’t there. I was pretty confused until someone told me this girl ‘tired of hearing me talk about my old school’. I’d not realised that I &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; talk a lot about it and immediately stopped, but she carried on blanking me and I withdrew from that group because the whole thing had become weird and awkward. The girl never told me herself,  just letting me find out that people had been talking &lt;em&gt;about&lt;/em&gt; me, which made me feel very defensive and wary of interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other incident was a few years later in my first job. I had developed some sort of nervous habit of closing my eyes when I talked to people. Sounds weird, but I’d be &lt;em&gt;looking&lt;/em&gt; at them, face pointed their way with my eyes directed at their face, I’d just have my lids down most of the time. I was vaguely aware of it, but one day someone just asked me not to do it because it was weird to be looked at like that. They weren’t demanding an answer and they then changed the subject and conversation flowed on without giving me a chance to become defensive or for the situation to feel confrontational or combative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again I was mortified, but as with the previous incident, now my attention had been brought to the point, it became relatively easy to stop the behaviour. That person never mentioned it again and we carried on as normal, but I was always grateful to &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that I’d been being weird and annoying so I &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, from comparing how those two experienced felt to be on the receiving end of, I suggest you may be most effective and minimise offence by &lt;strong&gt;avoiding&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;having a 'serious' conversation about how terrible that voice is&lt;/em&gt; *&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;ignoring her&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and instead concentrate on being: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;- direct&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - matter of fact&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;- move on and treat her as normal&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you tell the person and they change the behaviour, that’s great. If you tell them and they don’t change, well… now you know that they either can’t or won’t change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I was mortified enough to stop the behaviour immediately, it’s harder to recommend strategies that might be effective when someone doesn’t change instantly. But be aware that if people perceive that they are being nagged about something, especially if they can’t see a problem with it themselves, they may be all the more determined to stick to their guns and may even increase the annoying behaviour to spite you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my recommendation is a low-key, matter of fact address to her, keep it brief and try to get a compliment in if you think it appropriate, and then carry on the conversation so that you aren’t putting her ‘on the spot’ and demanding a reply or response. perhaps something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do wish you wouldn’t use that voice, your normal voice is so much&#xA;  nicer and it’s so much easier to work with you when you use it.&#xA;  Anyway, Dora wants this stuff finished by the end of the day… how will&#xA;  we split the work  between us…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*. I know that I haven't described any experience of being on the receiving end of this kind of approach, but I've included it for contrast to the 'mention and move on' approach. I'm pretty sure that if anyone did do this to me I'd probably go home and cry my eyes out, even if I made a more combative response publicly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T08:37:28.220" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T08:37:28.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12448" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12438" CreationDate="2018-03-28T10:02:03.537" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have already thought of what to say, but you are afraid of saying it because you don't want her to be offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should first consider if this &quot;voice&quot; is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Something she deliberately does for comic effect / emphasis&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Something that has become a habit and she subconsciously slips into it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your approach to dealing with it may be the same in either case, but the outcome will be different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your own suggested wording, if delivered kindly, should be fine. If she thinks this voice is funny then you could adopt a similarly jokey approach by laughing and saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That voice is extremely annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't get the message and uses it again, follow this up with a clarification:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I said it was extremely annoying, I really meant it! Please don't&#xA;  do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If it is something she can consciously control&lt;/em&gt; then she can probably stop it if she wants to. Of course, she may not want to! But I imagine that if you told her it was annoying, while she had previously thought to herself that it was entertaining, she will quit it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand she has done it for so long and so often that it has become habit forming, like some people develop a word whisker, you may find yourself in a situation where she lapses into it without thinking. She then might continually be stopping herself and feeling bad, and then you might feel bad for making an issue of it. Or you could end up constantly reminding her, like a parent trying to stop their kids from sucking their thumb. You might not want to find yourself in that kind of role with another adult in the workplace, so worth considering before you act.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important that once you have said something about it, you return to normal behaviour immediately. This demonstrates that you bear no grudge, and that this goes no deeper than you simply find the fake voice annoying. If possible, when the conversation has passed, find some way to pay a compliment about some aspect of her real self to reaffirm that you have no problem with &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T10:12:47.563" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T10:12:47.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T10:33:22.390" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, whenever I am asked if I would like a glass of X or a slice of Y or a piece of Z or even a packet of J, I often say &quot;No.&quot; However, recently I noticed that if I say &quot;Yes,&quot; then I get a packet / bag / piece / glass of XYZJ and I stow it away for later on, or I give it to other friends that may not have been present when I was offered the &quot;thing.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of my other friends think that this is a great and fun way to go about what can be a tricky family / friend environment, for which I think the above posits a perfect solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15902" LastEditorUserId="15969" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T16:20:03.550" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T16:20:03.550" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T10:41:28.117" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seeing a guest with an empty plate or glass immediately triggers the &quot;I am not a good host - I need to keep them supplied&quot; instinct. To prevent that, make sure you don't give the impression that you ran out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With drink, just take very small sips. When you don't want to drink any more, just move the full glass to your lips and pretend to be drinking without actually opening your mouth. You appear to follow all the drinking rituals as socially expected, but don't actually consume much. This trick can be vital to surviving any heavy drinking social event if you can not hold your liquor well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to food, there are vast cultural differences between different parts of the world. In some cultures, you are expected to leave food on your plate. If you eat all of it, then either it is perceived as a request for the host to give you more or it is even perceived as greedy. In other cultures, you are supposed to finish your plate, because not doing so tells the cook you don't like their food. If you are not sure what's expected from you in the current cultural environment if you don't want to eat anymore, then you can usually not go wrong by &lt;strong&gt;eating very slowly&lt;/strong&gt;. You don't give the impression that you are finished, but not the impression that you don't like the food either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1943" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T10:41:28.117" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12420" CreationDate="2018-03-28T12:00:58.107" Score="42" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I clarify that the camera is mine [...]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't, assuming you want to remain friends with Jane.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You needed a camera. Jane gave you a camera she didn't think she needed any more, as a favour, and told you to keep it. Jane has now realised that she does still need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing to realise is that it wasn't a &quot;gift&quot; as such. When it's your birthday and Jane goes shopping for to buy something &lt;em&gt;specifically&lt;/em&gt; it give it to you, that's a gift. This was just something Jane was no longer using. It's a favour, not a gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane is now essentially asking for a favour back. &quot;You know how I let you use my camera, could I now use it please?&quot; How bad would you look if you said &quot;No!&quot;? You'd be saying &quot;I like our relationship to be you giving me things, not me giving you things of lesser of equal value.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best interpersonal solution is to no longer assume that the camera is yours, but to enquire whether you can still use it. I'd suggest wording along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Of course, I'll bring the camera along next week. Out of interest, are you looking for it back temporarily or permanently? As I was hoping to use it for xyz project in n week's time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking whether she wants it back permanently, you're suggesting that you were hoping to have it permanently. This may jog her memory that she said you could keep it. Or it may reveal to her that you misunderstood either her initial &quot;you can keep it&quot; or her current &quot;my camera&quot;, and the onus is then on her to explain what the situation is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NB This answer would be different if you'd bought parts for the item. My neighbour once gave me a circular saw with a blunt blade, as he'd bought himself a new saw. So I bought myself a replacement blade for it. If he'd wanted to borrow it back, that'd have been fine. If he'd wanted to take it back permanently, he wouldn't have been getting my nice new blade!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="430" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T12:00:58.107" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12452" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T12:30:51.287" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I personally find that you can only be nice to a certain degree, and after that you have to start putting your foot down. The first time they ask, you can respond with something like this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I don't want any of that right now; but thank you for the offer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continue to push, then you can get more firm but not aggressive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No. I've already said I don't want to do that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, any civil human being would get the message that they're pushing you and would quit. If they (for whatever silly reason) continue to push you to do the thing, you need to put your foot down&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, I've told you I don't want to do that and I'm not going to. Quit trying to coax me into it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people seem to have an issue with saying no because they think it will lead to an argument. The trick is to be firm, but not aggressive. You need to stick to your guns or else people are just going to walk all over you. Do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; stoop to their level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11190" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T12:30:51.287" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12453" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T12:35:24.647" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I totally respect your decision to abstain from anything you choose without explanation. There are lots of good &lt;em&gt;personal&lt;/em&gt; reasons why many people don't drink (eg sobriety, or medication) or eat cake (eg dieting, or diabetes). I am not implying any of these are your reasons, this is just to reaffirm your right on this matter. &lt;em&gt;(Personally I don't like to eat or drink anything if I don't know who made it or how it was made)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People that insist are normally doing so from a good place. Maybe they think you are being overly polite by turning it down and they want you to feel comfortable. They may not realise that by insisting they are having the opposite effect!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most effective methods of verbally turning something down are those that leave no room for questioning. For example, if someone offers you alcohol, rather than say &lt;em&gt;&quot;no thank you&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;can't.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unqualified, this will make the person think of the possibilities why you cannot eat cake / drink alcohol. Hopefully they will realise in that moment that some of those reasons are &lt;em&gt;personal&lt;/em&gt; and not pry any further. Most people would not want to have an impromptu discussion about alcoholism and sobriety at their party. But that may not be the case with everyone!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you say, you may find yourself being questioned. Unfortunately a subsection of those people who try and will pressure you into drinking without thinking of your possible reasons for saying &quot;no thank you&quot; may also be oblivious to those reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But your question is about avoiding giving an explanation, and the fact is that you are not obliged to give an explanation just because someone asks! I don't believe there is a fool-proof, universal way to avoid being asked a question; however the interpersonal solution is simply to decline to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If pressured after your first statement, you could say again, nicely:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really can't, sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Add any sweetening statement you like, eg &lt;em&gt;&quot;it looks delicious though&quot;.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that you are in control of yourself and your actions. You can't control another person, but you can take charge of the conversation. Without leaving any gap for discussion you could change the subject. In some social situations such as at a party when its noisy and everybody is mingling, saying a few words, then it might not be so rude to just say no, or whatever, and then look away or move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T12:35:24.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12415" CreationDate="2018-03-28T13:03:03.253" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Break things down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An IT professional applying for an IT job will not get the job if their CV truthfully says&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm good with computers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a &lt;em&gt;born leader with strong leadership qualities&lt;/em&gt; you will know the specific qualities, so list them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T13:03:03.253" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12455" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12460" CreationDate="2018-03-28T13:12:11.310" Score="8" ViewCount="3271" Body="&lt;p&gt;Names in this question are not actual names, not even online pseudonyms. I am the leader of a mediumsized online gaming community (about 50 active members). Alice and Bob assist me in running this online community. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A subgroup of this community runs a particular weekly gaming session. They have about 10-15 people attending regularly, including Alice and Bob. For reasons not relevant to this question, I am not part of this gaming session. Bob calls the shots in this gaming session and makes sure that it runs smoothly. Alice is supposed to take over if Bob is unavailable to join. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dave, Alice's boyfriend, came to me, complaining that Frank, Gerard and some of their friends are bullying him. Alice somewhat confirmed this. Dave and Alice have been with the group a relatively short time, three months maybe, while Frank and Gerard have been longstanding members. They didn't strike me as the bullying type, but I could be wrong of course and Dave struck me as genuinely upset about the situation. They are known for their - sometimes a bit dark - humor, though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At about the same time, Gerard came to me, mentioning Dave and Alice were being rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I investigated the situation, speaking with Frank and Gerard individually, but also with various other members of the weekly group. I took care not to mention that Dave feels bullied. Frank and Gerard both told me that they believe Dave and Alice don't like them, but they weren't sure why. Frank told me Dave had repeatedly insulted him, which Frank tried to cope with by joking, which Dave in return believed was bullying. Other members have confirmed the insulting from Dave's side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frank, Gerard and a few of friends tend to prank each other. They would burst out in laughter for no apparant reason on voice communications. Dave mentioned that he thinks they are laughing about him. Frank, Gerard and friends have admitted to me that they are not talking to Dave much anymore. They are actively ignoring him on voice chat, unless they need to communicate with him for gameplay reasons or he addresses them directly, in which case they give simple responses. They are trying to avoid any more clashes. (I know this because I listened in on voice chat and other members confirmed this is happening.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dave shows clear (psychological) signs of being a bully victim. He seems to genuinely believe himself to be the victim in this situation. While I think Frank and friends haven't been the nicest about it recently, I don't think it justifies Dave and Alice's behaviour. They promised me to try and be the better human and not let it get to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead he appears to be bullying Frank and to some extent Frank's friends. Alice fully supports him. I understand where his feelings come from, but I think it is all in his head. Frank and friends are worried about the admin Alice 'supporting' the bullying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is creating a very hostile situation. I would like to solve it as peacefully as possible, preferably without offending Dave and Alice or creating any 'drama', but that may be difficult. &lt;strong&gt;How can I get Dave to realize he the cause of his troubles, not Frank and Gerard?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Summary&lt;/strong&gt;: Dave is rude to others and gets ignored because of it. Dave thinks he is being bullied. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarification: All people in question are adults between mid-twenties and late thirties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T13:41:22.293" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T23:34:05.740" Title="How can I explain to someone that they are not being bullied, that instead he is bullying?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T13:15:26.400" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;AllTheKingsHorses answer is very good and I agree with it, but one additional &quot;trick&quot; I've used after a couple of polite refusals is to say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It looks far too good to be wasted on someone who really doesn't want to eat it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that bringing up the fact that it's a waste of food giving something to someone who doesn't appreciate it can &lt;em&gt;sometimes&lt;/em&gt; have the desired effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2459" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T13:15:26.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12415" CreationDate="2018-03-28T13:32:50.037" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Leadership is not a single trait, particularly in a business setting. Off the top of my head, some different types of leadership are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;General leadership involves building consensus and keeping large groups involved without wasting people's time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Project leadership involves juggling the different tasks and delegating properly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Personal leadership involves having a strong personality that draws people to you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A department leader would have a great feel for their reports' skills, interests, and growth.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Technical leadership involves an in depth knowledge of an area and being able to quickly see how it can be applied in different ways.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, not an exhaustive list, but the point is a technical leader is very different from a personal leader, and some forms of leadership are more subtle then others. Citing examples of leadership success is great, but you should introspect a bit more and go into the source of your strength. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;When I stepped in to lead the development of Project X, it was pretty obvious that nobody was on the same page for the requirements. It took some massaging once I opened that Pandora's box, but once the requirements were sorted out everything else fell into place, and that is how I cured cancer.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15956" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T13:32:50.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12455" CreationDate="2018-03-28T13:41:48.977" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;It will be incredibly difficult to get Dave and Alice to relinquish their feelings of victim-hood. In fact,I would go so far as to say that it's unlikely to happen at all. And so, there are a couple of considerations at play here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1) Communicating where you stand&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're going to need to take Dave and Alice aside, and explain the situation: Dave is insulting Frank and Gerard, and then complaining about the blow-back. Furthermore, while Frank and Gerard are &lt;em&gt;trying&lt;/em&gt; to be adults about it, Dave and Alice continue to push their buttons. &lt;strong&gt;This cannot continue.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to go about getting that unpleasant message across will be to sit them down, and calmly explain your point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guys, I've investigated the situation, and even sat down and listened in on the game session last week. What I've found is that there indeed exists tension in the group, however the situation is not as clear cut as you make it out to be. Dave, while Frank and Gerard have their own style of humor, which you may not appreciate, I couldn't help but notice that while they were trying to be polite to you, or avoid you, you did not offer them the same consideration. You made snarky comments about them on several occasions, which is not helping the situation. And Alice, as a game admin it's your responsibility to mediate these conflicts, not come down on Dave's side and escalate the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will, of course, have to adapt this to your own style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, it's more than likely that they won't like what you've go to say, even if it is the objective truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2) The interests of the community&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the community leader you will now have to make some difficult decisions. Dave and Alice have essentially proven that they can't be entirely trusted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;David completely ignored the fact that he bears some responsibility for the situation, and tried to play the victim. Alice, an admin, did not remain impartial, or try to mediate the conflict. Instead, she came down on Dave's side, and escalated the situation. This is sure to make the rest of the people involved in the session more than a little uncomfortable around the new comers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so, what's likely in the best interest of the community is for you to deliver the above talk to Dave and Alice, put them on notice that their behavior is &amp;quot;not cool&amp;quot;, and place them on probation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice should no longer admin any sessions until she learns what it means to be objective, and lead. And any more negative behavior from either of them should result in a firm push out the door, as they would then have proven themselves to be instigators of conflict (otherwise known as toxic), and not productive members of the community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T13:41:48.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12320" CreationDate="2018-03-28T15:02:21.900" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to shut them up via a possibly heated situation then you could just bark at them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At least my house doesn't look like slobs live in it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would perhaps shut them up in the short term (as in the Finbarr cycle), but in the long term may completely crush any relationship you may have had with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;alternatively you could say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your house is a pig sty and you are awful!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The result would be the same, IMO&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15902" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T15:02:21.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12464" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13254" CreationDate="2018-03-28T15:32:34.013" Score="8" ViewCount="2354" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A dear friend of mine is getting married in a couple of weeks.&#xA;She's such an extroverted person, always ready to party. Above all she &lt;em&gt;loves&lt;/em&gt; dancing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I'm the exact opposite. I don't feel comfortable when dancing, because I don't like my body, I don't like the way my body moves, I don't want people looking at me. Dancing in public makes me feel weird and ugly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every now and then (and more and more now that we're getting closer to the wedding) she says things like &amp;quot;Oh, I would love if all my friends danced that day!&amp;quot;, then she looks at me like &amp;quot;I'm obviously talking to you, life is short, enjoy it! :)&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I know I could sound silly, but she cares a lot and I don't want to let her down, especially on her wedding day. I'm afraid I'll feel awful if I actually get on the dance floor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell that her without hurting her feeling?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Additional informations&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's not that I don't dance at all. I do dance, but &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; when I'm alone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I really hate the kind of music my friend listens to (aka the music she chose for the wedding party).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've already tried dancing at other weddings, because I'm tired of being the way I am, the different one, the one who sits at the table while everyone else is getting fun, but every time I did it I later regretted it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Italian culture regarding this topic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, dancing at the wedding party is quite important here in Italy. I mean, nobody judges you if you don't dance, but almost everyone does enjoy it on such occasions. It's our (better say, their) way to have fun together. Plus, the bride really, really loves it, so I guess it'll be even more important in this particular party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15966" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T15:03:19.620" Title="How can I tell my friend I don't feel comfortable dancing at her wedding?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;italy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T15:33:14.577" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest thing I've found that works is a simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;okay, [I'll have it] in a min&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;in a bit&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People don't like being rejected, especially when they believe they are being nice &amp;amp; kind. You may not feel that way, but they certainly do. This is a nice way to alleviate the pain of rejection but also stop them from forcing it upon you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that people: 1] won't even give you the object if you tell them you'll have it later. 2] will have already forgotten you told them later, later. 3] no one really wants to pry about &quot;later,&quot; because it's not absolute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It gives you a lot of leeway and calms the situation down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And who knows, maybe you will want it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="461" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T15:33:14.577" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12466" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12472" CreationDate="2018-03-28T15:52:03.807" Score="4" ViewCount="1286" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner and I have lived together for the last few years and during that time we have occasionally asked her father if we could borrow money, ranging from $500 to $5000 (roughly). The reason for this has always been something significant and (as we see it) non-frivolous such as moving house or applying for Visas ( I am from the UK and she is from Canada).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically her father will suggest that we save the money until we can afford to pay him back, and then pay him back in one lump sum to make things simpler, especially with fluctuating exchange rates. However, a couple of times he has decided that the loan no longer needs to be repaid, and usually frames this as a Christmas or birthday gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obviously greatly appreciated and has helped us tremendously over the years. However, I am due a significant (~$5000) bonus in the next few weeks, and I would like give some, if not all, of it to my partner's father as it would go some way to clearing my conscience as I am always uncomfortable borrowing money. I am aware that that in his eyes we no longer owe him anything as the money is now considered a gift. I want to make sure that if I give him any money, it is not seen as an insult, in the same way returning a gift would be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way to pay back the money without causing any insult?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15971" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T16:19:48.597" LastActivityDate="2021-01-06T10:27:44.713" Title="Politely paying back a loan that turned into a gift?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;loans&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T16:04:00.427" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sigh, I feel your pain....&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Philipp already pointed out, I think most of those pressures are from the idea that the guest does not eat while the host is hungry and to mollify their conscience about the greed they absolutely want that you share your meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother knew that I like &lt;em&gt;Rosinenschnecken&lt;/em&gt; (which is a kind of German bun) and every single time I announced my visit she bought &lt;em&gt;five&lt;/em&gt; (which is enough for 3 people!!) of them. If you are away from home, you see it as a nice gesture...the first times. But then you are confronted with those buns &lt;em&gt;every single goddamn time&lt;/em&gt; you come to visit...again and again and again...and mother is pouting because you don't eat &lt;em&gt;all of them&lt;/em&gt;. She was also the kind of mother who had 2 (!) fully-packed freezers at home, because you know, 2 complete soccer teams could invade our home and &lt;strong&gt;being left hungry&lt;/strong&gt;. Sooner or later you begin to &lt;strong&gt;dread&lt;/strong&gt; those trips because &lt;em&gt;you tell them you don't want them anymore and they refuse to listen&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here is my incomplete list how I tackled people who are &quot;no&quot;-deaf.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The harmless &quot;no&quot;-deaf: You can often avoid this pointless thumbscrew interview by accepting an ersatz dish: Instead coffee a glass of water and instead cake something other to eat (even crispbread). The main thing is that the host sees that you are eating and drinking &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; and his conscience is happy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Avoid the &quot;no&quot;: Come later for dinner and &lt;em&gt;invite&lt;/em&gt; them beforehand so you have control what is offered and what you can eat. Or bring something with you to offer them because it is a &lt;em&gt;insert home-town here&lt;/em&gt; speciality. Or let you meet people together on people you know who are not insistent.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let them fear the consequences: You tell them you would like to eat, but on the way to them you suddenly your stomach felt really, really sick...for best effect open your eyes with a slight look of despair and burp deeply.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Avoid the times when they are eating: Many families have a ritual with eating, if you know when they are eating normally, place your visiting times so that you are out of time. With luck they only invite you to drink something.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The final solution: &quot;Tell me, dear, when has X visited us the last time? It seems a long time ago.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T16:04:00.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12388" CreationDate="2018-03-28T16:13:00.217" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had this situation a while back and I found a solution that worked great:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel left out of events, you can simply organise your own. Make sure you invite a friend or two that are outside or your work environment, and then invite every one to a night out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can put a casual message on the general slack channel along the lines of :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey I'm gonna grab a few beers tomorrow night with a friend, if you guys want to come, feel free to join us at 18:00 at the &quot;last bar before the end of the world&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T16:13:00.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12420" CreationDate="2018-03-28T16:14:29.070" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Communication is hard, and dependent on culture, experiences, and upbringing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She said I could keep it &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were to use the words, &quot;Keep it&quot;, I intend transfer of ownership.  If I intend a long term loan, I'd instead say, &quot;Hold onto it&quot; or &quot;return it at your convenience&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were borrowing something, I'd treat &quot;keep it&quot; as ambiguous, and either clarify at the time, or later, and assume that I should return it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However it's clear that she wants it back now, and that she still considers it her camera.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I clarify that the camera is mine and that I would like it back in a way that isn't super awkward?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the root of a disagreement.  You both obviously believe it belongs to each of you. I can't agree with your assessment that it actually is yours, however you're not asking whether it's yours or not, you're asking how to assert ownership.  If I did believe it was given fully to me, I'd proceed as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry I didn't return it earlier, I was confused when you offered it.  When I asked when you'd like it back, you said, &quot;You can keep it&quot; which I thought meant that you were giving it to me permanently. I don't want a misunderstanding coming between our friendship, though, so I'm willing to return it if that's your understanding of our arrangement. If you did intend to give it to me permanently I'm happy to loan it to you but I would like it back soon so I don't have to delay my projects for long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is probably the least offensive way to assert ownership while making it clear you value your friendship above the camera. You have to offer it back if you want to remain friends - it's one of the many things friends are expected to do for each other, give each other the benefit of the doubt and &quot;roll back time&quot; on misunderstandings where possible to undo something that wasn't intended to occur.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I'd prefer a much softer approach that doesn't assert ownership:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Of course, come by and pick it up, or let me know where you'd like to meet.  It's been very useful for me, so when you're done with your multi-camera projects do you think I could borrow it again?  If you think the projects will take long or if you need it for other purposes let me know when you pick it up and I'll make other arrangements.  Thanks again for letting me borrow it for so long!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this way you'll have a good chance of getting it back for another long term loan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also redefine your understanding of your friend's usage of &quot;keep it&quot; for future conversations so these miscommunications don't happen again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T16:14:29.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12471" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T17:17:30.457" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many answers go a very diplomatic route. Which is totally perfect and works in many cases. However, in some cases it won't. Or the effort isn't worth your time. I have a more confrontational approach to offer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Remember, the more confrontational you are the more you are at risk to ruin a relationship but it can have a more assertive effect than more diplomatic options.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So someone bugs you too much with something you really don't want. Say, a glass of beer or a cigarette. You should always decline politely a few times and include that you really don't want whatever they offer. Also make clear that you will ask yourself should that change, to make it totally clear there is no reason to keep asking. If they bring it up again, make sure you signal annoyance. &lt;strong&gt;If they insist, take it. Then throw it into the trash.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask why you did that or get agitated on why you waste good X, remember them you warned them, they gave it to you as a gift, which made it yours and you decided that was the best you can do with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, this is the extreme case, more suitable for semi-drunk youths having a go at cheap alcohol than family meetings, I applied it only once in this form - (and it was effective). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Typically it's enough to just make it clear you are annoyed and to announce that, okay, they can give it to you, but you will throw it away.&lt;/em&gt; This may shortly upset them, but it's a good &quot;shock&quot; moment that often brings across how much you really don't want whatever they are offering/trying to push onto you. &#xA;Even more diplomatic and connected to Kevin's answer - you can announce that you will just give it some homeless dude or some friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is to escalate to a level where you don't threaten /verbally attack them personally, but shock them enough to make it clear you aren't just polite or holding your own desires (eating tasty cake/wanting to get drunk) back and that they are really bugging you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="369" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T17:17:30.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12466" CreationDate="2018-03-28T17:28:10.477" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've lent money to family.  When I did so, after a couple months with no change in repayment (as they got back on their feet), I decided that it would be easier for me to say, &quot;I'm never going to see that money again.  I can either poison our relationship and try to pursue it, or I can call it a gift, accept that I won't see it again, and stay in contact with my sibling&quot;  I chose the latter and have not regretted it, even though it has cost me a couple thousand dollars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't speak to his motivation for this; I can only speak to mine.  However, if one of my siblings were to say to me, &quot;I really appreciated your lending me this.  It helped me a lot; I am sorry it took me so long to pay it back but here it is&quot;, I'd appreciate it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's how I'd suggest approaching this.  Meet with him privately (so there's no pressure) and lay it out.  &quot;You really helped us and I will forever be grateful to you for that.  I appreciate your calling this a gift; I still feel that I need to repay your generosity.  Here's a check for [X].&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point, he can either accept or reject it.  Don't argue with his decision; merely try once or twice more if he initially rejects it and then accept that he really does consider it a gift.  If it becomes apparent that he won't accept it, then (if you feel called to do this) I'd suggest something along the lines of &quot;I've earmarked this to repay your generosity.  If I can't repay it to you, I'd like to give it to a charity on your behalf to help someone else&quot; and let him make the decision of which charity receives a gift on his behalf.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T17:28:10.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T17:34:51.797" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My method, which I find to be very effective if not too effective, is to offer them some other illegal drugs in response to their offer. In some areas where marijuana is illegal, it doesn't even have to be illegal drugs but it still me be treated as illegal to the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It goes like this. First you must ensure that the person isn't in to drugs and tends to be the rule following more law abiding type, or they'll call your bluff and you'll might have follow through. When they offer you some alcohol, simply say no thanks I really don't drink alcohol. If they insist, then mention that you weren't sure if drugs were acceptable here but since they seem to be (alcohol is a drug), say that you have some brownies with weed in them that you would love to share. The brownies don't have to have weed in them but you can still bring them in and if nobody eats them then you have a justification for not drinking your alcohol that they gave you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should put an end to it. It helps reveal fascist beliefs, put things in perspective, and helps them to understand that other people have different customs and beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social situations are sometimes like a chess game to me. If someone does something to you, you can sort of defend yourself, or you can move to attack their piece.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11683" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T17:34:51.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-28T18:18:46.637" Score="13" Body="&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He who asks the question controls the interaction.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found that the party in a conversation that is asking questions is in control.  It sounds as though confrontation in these situations is inevitable.  &lt;strong&gt;They have already made this confrontational by insisting.&lt;/strong&gt;  They then take control of the interaction by asking &quot;defensive inducing&quot; questions to get you to give in.  (What would one little piece hurt?  Why can't you just celebrate with us? etc.)  You are already finding yourself in a defensive situation with any answer you give.  Instead of answering, find a question and ask until they are tired of answering.  Here are some suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you insist that I eat/drink this when I have said &quot;no&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you know what &quot;no&quot; means?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is your opinion more important than mine?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you insult me by not listening to what I have already answered&#xA;  on this?  Am I not important to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, whenever you start to feel defensive, remember to pause and then &quot;Ask a Question Instead&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13589" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T18:18:46.637" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12477" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-28T19:31:27.350" Score="1" ViewCount="242" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm student from Polish university. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my projects require big team (10 students) and one of us is manager. This role was offered to me and I accepted it. I am responsible for assigning tasks to my colleagues and controlling that each of them is doing their job. I know very well half of my team (many projects for years of studeis), the other half I met for this task for the first time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm thinking that my actions are reasonable and fair to everyone. But I'm not sure that everyone feel that way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How I can ask them to get honest opinion of my management style and skill? &#xA;I'm afraid that straight asking will result in some nice responses and compliments. I'm honestly not very much interested in positive feedback - I think that criticism is much more valuable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&#xA;First answers assume that my colleagues care enough about this project. I'm quite sure that they will be more than happy to get a grade and forget about it. Project isn't very time consuming, so my mistakes could not be irritating enough for them to provoke any action. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answers looks good for bigger environment where people will spend few months working under someone else and problems would be troubling. In small project members of team can let slide problems like that and don't even bother to do something (I probably would do something like this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15980" LastEditorUserId="15980" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T20:04:51.867" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T20:04:51.867" Title="How to ask for honest opinion of my teammates" Tags="&lt;school&gt;&lt;feedback-methods&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12466" CreationDate="2018-03-28T19:35:47.300" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Write a check for the full amount, give it to your partner's father and thank him for his patience.  If hereally meant it to be a gift, he'll refuse it, and all doubt will be gone.  If he takes it, then you know it was said to make you feel better but it was really a loan, and you'll go way up in his estimation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, write the check and give it to him.  If I were him, I'd know that my child made the right choice in a partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T19:35:47.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12477" CreationDate="2018-03-28T19:41:48.653" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, you can ask for their honest opinions, but that doesn't mean you'll get it, and you can't force it out of them either. Also keep in mind that criticism is only valuable if it's objective, honest, and actionable. &lt;strong&gt;&quot;You suck. Give up now.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; is not actionable criticism, and may be a dirty lie to boot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, realize that you can't make everyone happy. By virtue of coordinating a project among 10 individuals, you'll end up inconveniencing someone, at some point. Not to mention that some folks will feel that they can get the job done better, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, going around asking for critique of your leadership is not a great idea. It weakens your authority, and grants any malcontents a platform to use against you. There's a reason why management reviews employees, and not the other way around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you I'd foster an atmosphere of accepting input from everyone, but make a point to shut the conversation down once you've made a decision, and set the project down a given path. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people know that you are open minded, and approachable they will voice any genuine concerns, and you won't need to go around asking each of them what they think about your leadership. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastEditorUserId="7425" LastEditDate="2018-03-28T19:48:31.737" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T19:48:31.737" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12480" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12541" CreationDate="2018-03-28T19:52:03.140" Score="6" ViewCount="759" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have just received yet another e-mail from a technical contact at one of our business partners. He has a list of questions that I need to provide answers to but he uses such a lazy form of writing that I can't even understand the questions. I don't have the time or inclination to decipher his poorly worded questions but I have to respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the professional way of saying &quot;Listen pal, this is the reason spelling and grammar is important. I know you resisted it all through school because you were too cool for proper English but this is not your hockey team WhatsApp group and right now you're wasting my time and and yours. I can literally not understand what you're asking.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15972" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T18:44:03.970" Title="How to politely tell someone in a professional setting to stop using lazy English in his e-mails" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12477" CreationDate="2018-03-28T19:59:43.000" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would contend that the best way to get honest and (hopefully) objective feedback from a group of people that you work closely with is to set up some kind of anonymous survey, and encourage your group members to respond to a few questions of your choosing. Many companies I have worked for have employed similar surveys with a lot of success. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.officevibe.com/blog/employee-survey-privacy&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here&lt;/a&gt; is some good documentation on why anonymous surveys are advantageous compared to open forums - they list many of the same concerns you brought up in your own question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.surveymonkey.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Survey Monkey&lt;/a&gt; is a website that will allow you to create free surveys and collect data anonymously&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T19:59:43.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-28T20:20:35.247" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are several good answers that explain why this might be happening. I suspect it's some combination of discomfort with prolonged eye contact and language processing (&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4900797/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;all sighted individuals make some use of visual cues to understand language, including looking at the speaker's mouth movements&lt;/a&gt;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're really noticing this more now&lt;/strong&gt; than you used to, there are a few possibilities for what's going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's always been this way, but you've just noticed&lt;/strong&gt; and are therefore more sensitive to it. I'm sure you've had the experience of learning a new word or name, and then suddenly hearing it everywhere; this could be a &lt;a href=&quot;https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human-brain/baader-meinhof-phenomenon.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;similar phenomenon&lt;/a&gt;. If that's the case, you can probably solve the problem by simply noticing how often people (including you) look at other folks' mouths in conversation, and gradually getting used to the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Something has changed in the way you are speaking or in how your speech is perceived so that &lt;strong&gt;folks &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to look at your mouth more for comprehension&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This could be because your mustache is a little longer, and obscuring your lips more than in the past. In this case, &lt;strong&gt;trimming a little shorter&lt;/strong&gt; could help.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There could also be a change in the environment that makes it harder to hear, such as construction outside your window, new hardwood or tile floors instead of carpeting, or the heating/cooling vents being particularly noisy. If there is a noise or volume issue, &lt;strong&gt;adjusting your own volume and doing what you can to minimize outside noise&lt;/strong&gt; should help.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Possibly your customers have changed so that they are &lt;strong&gt;less comfortable with eye contact&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The amount of eye contact that folks are comfortable with &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3596353/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;varies by culture&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;, so if you have seen a shift in your customer base this could be a factor.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There has also been some evidence that within high-eye-contact cultures, there is a current &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/28/why-youre-not-making-eye-_n_4002494.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;technologically-driven shift in eye-contact comfort&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;. Specifically, people who spend more time on various devices and less time in face-to-face communication seem to have lower tolerance for eye contact than their same-culture peers.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In either of these cases, the solution is going to be to find a way to &lt;strong&gt;be comfortable with a different norm&lt;/strong&gt; for eye contact between you and (some of) your customers. If you suspect this is happening with a specific customer, try reducing the amount of time you spend looking at their eyes; this may put them more at ease, and help both of you to be more comfortable with your interaction. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you do if you think this is something you just need to get used to? Understanding what's going on may help some. Checking your teeth before you meet with a customer can also help relieve that fear, at least. You can also ask someone you trust to double-check that there isn't anything within your control going on that you may not have noticed (such as your volume having dropped for some reason). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that, you it can be helpful to &lt;strong&gt;give your customers something specific to look at&lt;/strong&gt;, other than your mouth and eyes. Something like a brochure or product sample is ideal: You can talk to them about it, and you can both look at it while you're talking about it. Then, when you're just talking, if the eye-contact exceeds their comfort zone they have something &quot;in context&quot; to look at. Similarly, if you think &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; need less eye contact, it gives you a sensible place to look. In my research interviews I often use a shared screen and/or jotted notes for this purpose. If there isn't a good business-related option, you could also include some colorful art or desk toys in your office to draw the customer's eyes away from your mouth—just be sure they aren't so distracting that your customers end up not paying attention to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T20:20:35.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12480" CreationDate="2018-03-28T20:28:00.683" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not your job to critique their spelling, grammar, and sentence composition. Directly addressing this is a breach of your professional relationship with them. Remember that your current goal in this exchange is to answer their questions to the best of your ability. Your reply should aim to do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on the fact that their questions are unclear. Be as specific as possible. If there are ambiguous statements bring up the fact that statements are ambiguous and request clarification. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to try to influence their behavior the only recourse you have available to you is the promptness of your response. You can drag your feet and not answer any of their questions in your initial reply. Instead start your email by explicitly explaining that they were unclear in their previous email and you need to ask a number of follow up questions to make sure you know what they are asking before you can begin to answer their questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T20:28:00.683" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12485" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-28T20:30:40.543" Score="2" ViewCount="394" Body="&lt;p&gt;With my significant other, occasionally emotional conflict arises where one of us feels like their needs aren't being met. Under normal circumstances, one of us could just make an extra effort to validate or support the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, a conflict arose where both of us felt hurt by the other and that our emotional needs during the pain were not being met. Furthermore, our needs seemed to be in opposition and attack the other in the sense that my needs and pain seemed to attack her more, and her's seemed to attack me more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This led to a fairly severe conflict where both of us felt deeply hurt and like we weren't able to get the support we wanted from each other. With smaller issues, it would be easier to put aside our pain and support the relationship, but in this case, the conflict kind of hit deeply held triggers for anxiety that ultimately led to both of us having enough anxiety to cause trouble sleeping/eating and other symptoms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although we have made major steps towards resolution by painfully setting aside our pain at great personal cost and making attempts to understand the other and communicate more effectively, I am concerned as to how we deal with such situations. The approach we took seems to have caused unnecessary pain. I have thought about ways to approach such conflicts, such as having each person write down what they are feeling and then share the written statement, but nothing seems to be a super sound way to avoid causing further damage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a better way to approach a resolution to such problems?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6369" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T01:11:02.913" Title="Methods of resolving highly emotional conflicts" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12485" CreationDate="2018-03-28T20:54:49.323" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to approach this is to speak honestly and frankly about &lt;strong&gt;HOW YOU FEEL&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BUT....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;avoid the word &quot;YOU&quot; and the phrases &quot;you made me feel&quot; or &quot;when you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm feeling hurt right now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I fell like my concerns aren't being addressed&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a skill that takes some practice to develop, but it avoids accusations, which just lead to bitter arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, take turns and let each person speak without putting in counter points.  This again is difficult, but worth it.  It builds the skill of active listening, especially if you restate the point the person is making.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, if I understand what you're saying, you feel that you're not being listened to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;strong&gt;LISTEN TO EACH OTHER&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen not to make a counter point, not to make a response, but to &lt;strong&gt;HEAR&lt;/strong&gt; what the other person is saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking these steps will prevent a war of &quot;whataboutisms&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;YEAH?  Well what about the time &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt;.....  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deescalate, and listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;most of all, talk frequently and try to address things &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; they grow to the point where they are being addressed in anger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T20:54:49.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12455" CreationDate="2018-03-28T20:55:10.250" Score="0" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Short answer&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't take sides and concentrate of the fact that both parties of the conflict feel offended. Deal with it by making both parties share their perceptions of the situation with each other and reminding them that the goal is to act in the interests of community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Long and complicated answer&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The following answer gets a bit metacognitive which might be quite confusing, but I hope it will help you to change your way of thinking about conflicts in general to resolve this one in particular.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the title of your question it seems that you've already decided whose side you are on, which is something you as a leader of your community should avoid (taking sides) at any cost. It seems like you are trying to be objective about this situation but it might not be possible (or even necessary) so instead you should try to be more open-minded about it. These might seem like the same thing but they're not, so just bear with me here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though you've talked to all the parties and &quot;witnesses&quot; and even listened to one of the sessions, you can't really know how it all started because the information you have is a product of people's perceptions of the situation and even if you yourself have witnessed the situation it would've been your perception of it which might differ from the perceptions of the offended parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can see this all gets rather complicated and subjective, so instead of trying to establish objective truth of the situation, you should focus on the fact that you have two parties who both feel (subjectively) offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So all you need to do is to get both parties of the conflict to share their perception of the situation with each other and sort out who meant what and how it was received by the other party. And while doing all this refrain from adding your own subjective perception to the mix (i.e. don't take sides).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you will be acting in the interests of community and not any member (or group) in particular. And hopefully all the participants of the conflict will be willing to act in those interests too, and if they don't - remind them that the goal is to restore (and keep) the friendly atmosphere of the community so that all members could enjoy it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13691" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T20:55:10.250" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12491" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12511" CreationDate="2018-03-28T21:09:28.727" Score="69" ViewCount="23038" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have met around 4 months ago, we both are from the same country and are on an internship abroad. She lives quite far from me (around 400 km). We have chatted a bit since we've met and our communication in real life has been nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are in our early 20s and I like her and would be happy if her stay would result in something more (sex), but I also don't want to be inappropriate and make this visit an uncomfortable experience - I don't know if she is interested in me but I can't be sure she is not interested either. She's single and we've talked previously about her visiting but I was already busy at that time. Now that we've figured out our schedule, she will stay for 2 or 3 days and she'll be seeing my town and do some short trips to the nearest cool places.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had mentioned to her before that she could come if she wanted to and I'd be glad. She accepted and then (a month after) I asked her if she wanted to come over for a weekend. It was supposed to be a weekend for more people actually, with a car rental and more invited friends but she was the only one who was interested in the end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure that I can read signals from women right, so the questions are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Which signals could she give me to show her sexual interest? And how to read them right? How do I give her a signal that I am up to more, without making her visit uncomfortable?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do have two beds in my apartment, so she wouldn't need to share with me if she wasn't interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE&lt;/strong&gt;: We spent almost 5 nice days together (its a long Easter holiday in Germany). There was no signs of sexual interest from her side (or it seemed me so), no touches and she didn't seem to appreciate them from mine either, she also avoided to look me in the eyes and meet my double-meaning compliments with strange/uncomfortable looks. So i decided to focus on having a good time with her as friend instead of thinking about having sex with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you all for the answers, I learned a lot and had a great time. I hope that this question will help someone in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15890" LastEditorUserId="12299" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T11:48:54.330" LastActivityDate="2018-12-23T14:17:11.933" Title="How can I know whether a female house guest is interested in more than a friendly visit?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;ukraine&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="19" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12455" CreationDate="2018-03-28T21:54:04.553" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;This situation is difficult to mediate effectively online since everyone is all over the world. Could there be a cultural misunderstanding?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;AndreiRom has great points. If you deliver the speech he prepared, just know that Dave and Alice will probably assume you are taking sides. That speech doesn't acknowledge Dave's fantasies of people bullying him or the feelings created by it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dave shows clear (psychological) signs of being a bully victim. He seems to genuinely believe himself to be the victim in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dave sounds very defensive and quick to rise to false conclusions. This can be very difficult to mediate. Is it possible he has been a bully victim in the past? Those past feelings could have been triggered by what he perceived to be bullying on Frank/Gerard's end. That, in no way, excuses his current attitude in the group but provides an explanation to help you resolve this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Acknowledge&lt;/strong&gt; his hurt feelings. Even if no one believes him to be the victim, he clearly does so operate as though it is a &lt;em&gt;possibility&lt;/em&gt;. By laying out the situations and both perspectives, the truth may be more easily revealed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dave, I know you're feeling hurt and defensive right now. I'd like to help figure this out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask&lt;/strong&gt; probing questions. He may open up or be more receptive. You might even find out that he's been bullied in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dave, can you tell me what the source of all these issues are? Can you recall a specific situation that triggered these events? It's very out of the norm for members of the group to pick on new members so I'd like to help resolve it where I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Firmly&lt;/strong&gt; bring up that his are not the only hurt or offended feelings. Even if he were being bullied, he's handling it in a very childish fashion. Instead of talking to the group (no help from the admin), he went on the defensive and lashed out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hear what you're saying, Dave. I've also heard from the group. Do you think there's been a series of misunderstandings? Because you perceived &lt;em&gt;( X situation )&lt;/em&gt; to be bullying, you reacted &lt;em&gt;( X situation )&lt;/em&gt; and these people were also hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be a lot more work but Dave seems to take everything personally so approach with caution!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastEditorUserId="11298" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T19:39:32.100" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T19:39:32.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12496" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12498" CreationDate="2018-03-28T22:13:00.147" Score="6" ViewCount="1680" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sitting alone in a restaurant when a group of teenagers or young adults comes in and takes a table near the center of the restaurant.  We're the only customers in the restaurant, and I'm listening to an audiobook using earbuds.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are six of them, all men, and they're practically shouting at each other while sitting around the same table.  I can clearly hear them over my audiobook, and it's making it difficult to focus on my story.  If I turn up the volume, I risk damaging my hearing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past, I would go over, tell them they're being loud and ask them to lower their voices.  This usually earns me cold stares, like I'm imposing on them.  I'd like to learn some more effective strategies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's at all relevant, I'm a woman in my 30s and this is a rural town in Tennessee, USA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I go over and politely ask them to lower their voices without coming across as demanding or rude, without risking being mocked?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user15991" LastEditorDisplayName="user15991" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T22:18:38.087" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T22:18:38.087" Title="How to handle people at a nearby table talking too loud?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12497" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-28T22:35:37.877" Score="6" ViewCount="6291" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend that I'm quite close to and I'm in danger of loosing her as a friend. Her parents are very strict and protective in spite of her being 19, they let her go out as often as my parents let me go out when I was 14; even less so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before in school it was fine because we saw each other everyday. I didn't mind as much when she had to cancel plans last minute for some reason due to her parents (pressure to study/work on her portfolio, needing her to cook for and babysit her 14 yr old brother) even when we planned the event well in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The outings we organised and she had to cancel were mainly meeting for coffee or food or to exchange presents and were in safe neighbourhoods near to her house or on her bus line: no nights out drinking. So there was no reason for her parents to feel as though it was not safe for her to go out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now I have moved on my own to study in a different country. When I announced I was moving she said many a times that she would visit even though we both knew it would never happen (due to her protective parents). So I visited home a couple of times so that we could still meet up. Only the times I've come home she hasn't been able to make it in spite of months of planning. Others in our friend group gave out to her one of the times for the silly excuse of having to make dinner for 14 year old brother while her parents were working that night. There was apparently no way she could make the food and ask her brother to heat it up later or get him to order food in. She then felt quite attacked and felt as though we were judging her family so we backed off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what to do to salvage our friendship. Since I've moved it's been difficult to keep her in a conversation online. I had hoped that her visiting me and getting a taste of the independent lifestyle would maybe inspire her to demand more freedom from her parents. But even after finding the perfect dates for her to visit and even offering to pay for everything, her parents still refuse to let her come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some times I worry as though she has stopped asking for permission and everything has become and automatic &quot;my parents say I can't&quot;. What if she is just using her parents as an excuse and doesn't want to hang out with me anymore?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once thought I could help her &quot;break free from the tight clutches of her parents&quot; but because of them, we've become so distant that it's not my place to even suggest that she contradict her parents judgement (it doesn't seem as though she believes her parents are wrongly denying her of any freedom).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell her that her parents are getting in the way of our friendship without coming off as judgmental of her parents or family?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15990" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T12:20:03.430" LastActivityDate="2021-01-08T12:59:02.350" Title="How to deal with Friends With Strict Parents?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12498" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12496" CreationDate="2018-03-28T22:40:08.107" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to interact with them directly I don't think you can absolutely avoid being mocked. If you don't know the people you're talking to, there's no way to guess how they'll react to any sort of interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they seem generally jovial, though, I wouldn't be too concerned about it. People are &lt;em&gt;generally&lt;/em&gt; reasonable as long as you act reasonably with them. So, rather than being stern or demanding, be lighthearted and maybe a bit teasing. They may simply be unaware at how loud they're being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that saying something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, y'all, I've really enjoyed getting to take part in your discussion but I'd like to focus on my book now; would you be so kind as to take the volume down a few decibels?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;can generally yield less annoyed compliance. The important thing is to say this (or something along these lines that you're comfortable with/fits the situation) with a smile and be very open with them... and say it while the staff is nearby, so if they do start to react negatively, you can hope for an assist from the server.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, if they do react negatively, remember, &lt;em&gt;that's not your fault&lt;/em&gt;. They're the ones being disruptive and you're making a reasonable request and attempting to solve it yourself - which is OK - but you don't &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; to. Asking your server or the manager to either ask them to be quieter or reseat you farther away from them is perfectly reasonable, particularly if the place is otherwise empty. Their &quot;comfort&quot; is not greater than yours, even if they are a larger party. Plus, coming from the establishment (particularly if it's male, sadly) may often yield more efficacious results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2018-03-28T22:40:08.107" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12499" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12491" CreationDate="2018-03-28T22:44:36.470" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you can't even say, &quot;I think she is interested in me&quot;?  You are jumping all the way from &quot;It's not totally impossible she's interested in me,&quot; to, &quot;She might want to sleep with me&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; put her in the position of wondering, &quot;If I tell him no, will I still have a place to sleep?&quot;.  You have to let her make the first move, and you have to be &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; careful not to push things any farther than she wants, because she is a bit at your mercy, having nowhere else to stay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But honestly, if the strongest statement you can make about your relationship is, &quot;She hasn't bluntly told me she is uninterested in me&quot;, sex is not likely to be what she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastEditorUserId="16076" LastEditDate="2018-03-30T15:57:29.367" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T15:57:29.367" CommentCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12501" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12497" CreationDate="2018-03-28T23:09:39.763" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she can't even clear one evening to see a friend who came to visit from afar it doesn't appear that she values this friendship as much as you do. It may be impossible to salvage a relationship when only one person is interested in salvaging it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend having a heart to talk to her about it. Don't be too judgmental and don't emphasize the parents; her parents are her business. Focus on your relationship with her and how her inability to meet you makes you feel. If she brings up the parents at that point say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This was planned month(s) in advance, it just doesn't seem like it would have been absolutely impossible for you to work something out. I planned all the stuff, came over here from [place], offered to pay for everything, it just doesn't seem fair that you can't even clear one evening for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See what she says. There maybe a cultural thing going on or something else. If the reasons sound important there may still be hope, if she keeps making excuses or gets defensive, deflects and so on, well you have your answer to the question of &quot;Is it worth it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastEditorUserId="6662" LastEditDate="2019-05-31T13:09:17.403" LastActivityDate="2019-05-31T13:09:17.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12497" CreationDate="2018-03-29T00:44:21.193" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can neither change her parents nor you can change her, because she is already an adult with formatted mindset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had that kind of friend in the past, who was overprotected by parents. After school, when all our friends went to college in other cities, he was the one who stayed with his parents in our home city and he was ok with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So is your friend. She is ok with her situation. Maybe you overestimate the bounds between you two? The situation when she couldn't make it to meet you even after all arrangements is the proof that she is not interested in changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I left my friend as he is and he is ok now, living with his parents. I admire your will to break her out, but it's a good scenery for film, not real life. Maybe you just have to let her go as a person or give her less attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15890" LastEditorUserId="22086" LastEditDate="2019-05-31T16:06:25.577" LastActivityDate="2019-05-31T16:06:25.577" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12505" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12507" CreationDate="2018-03-29T00:50:19.090" Score="40" ViewCount="9350" Body="&lt;p&gt;For some context - this is my first semester in college where I'm having a roommate, and there have been several complications. It's off-campus housing and we don't attend the same university. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My roommate has lots of friends and is more or less a party animal (frequently arrives in the room later than 2 AM, has far more than the maximum allowance of alcohol in the refrigerator, etc.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can live with that despite not approving of it, but recently there have been more serious issues. For instance, she had her boyfriend stay in our room for several nights, and several times they'd bolt the room and I'd be unable to enter after coming back from the library/dining hall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What prompted me to post here, though, is what happened after spring break. I'd gone home as usual, and my returning bus was quite late and I ended up arriving in the room at around 2:30 AM or so, only to find one of her friends sleeping in my bed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was at a loss of what to do in this situation, so I simply left and waited in the lounge until morning before entering (wasn’t able to catch much sleep, unfortunately). So far, I haven’t raised this issue with her, but I am wondering what the best way is to make it clear that the way she currently behaves with her guests in our room often makes me uncomfortable (without being confrontational). Thank you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15992" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T10:25:54.703" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T19:24:07.277" Title="How to establish boundaries with a roommate without confrontation?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12485" CreationDate="2018-03-29T01:11:02.913" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;What is a better way to approach a resolution to such problems?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, setting aside your immediate, emotional reactions in order to communicate more efficiently sounds like a step in the right direction. I will try to explain why, and clarify some points in achieving a positive method for dealing with conflict in your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, the way you used to deal with conflicts mirrors that of &lt;a href=&quot;http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm440-540/escalate.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;competitive conflict escalation&lt;/a&gt;, where the focus of the conflict is on an opposing opinion, each person wanting to 'win' the conflict, so the argument goes back and forth between aggressor and defender, escalating, getting emotional and as it gets more intense people tend to bring up old baggage or try to emotionally punish the other in an effort to win the conflict. Your description of &lt;em&gt;&quot;emotional&quot;, &quot;pain&quot; and the back and forth of &quot;attacking&quot; each other&lt;/em&gt; seems to accurately reflect this model.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Competitive escalation is a very &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/escalation&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;destructive and unhealthy way of dealing with conflict&lt;/a&gt;, and trying to change your relationship's conflict cycle is great, just watch you don't over compensate when achieving the solution. Looking at your described attempt &lt;em&gt;&quot;setting aside our pain at great personal cost and making attempts to understand the other and communicate more effectively&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, there are a few things to note. Becoming intensely emotional is a sure fire way to escalate the conflict in an unhelpful way. However, that does not mean that you have to completely set aside your feelings. Instead, I would try to remain calm and explain those feelings rather than bottling them up, or letting them control the conversation. Completely setting aside your feelings, is similar to the &quot;avoidance&quot; conflict cycle, which is also not ideal as it can result in a build up and excess of unresolved issues, which eventually increases overall tension rather than helping it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that the middle ground you are looking for is to: Remain calm, listen, keep your viewpoints open and adaptable, focus on the mutual goal when dealing with a conflict rather than your opposing differences and stop any finger pointing/competitive conflict escalation behaviours as early as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T01:11:02.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12505" CreationDate="2018-03-29T01:15:09.400" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;The clearest way to make somebody aware of how their actions make you feel without taking a confrontational tone is to use &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;I statements.&quot;&lt;/a&gt; When talking to your roommate, focus on stating how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Roommate], I wanted you to know that I felt uncomfortable/disrespected/upset when I came back from spring break and found a person in my bed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Beyond IPS:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;An important part of shared living space (or any shared thing) is clear boundaries and rules established between the involved parties. It sounds like you may not have a set of agreed upon rules or uses for your room, and this has left you in a few uncomfortable situations. You should request that you and her sit down and lay out some &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;written&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; rules for acceptable usage of the room. i.e. &quot;Send a text warning about sex lockouts ( and allow veto by roommate depending on situation)&quot; or &quot;No strangers in my bed without express prior agreement.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; Since you have shared that there is an RA, leverage this resource. Their whole job is to be a resource for you and help resolve intra-resident issues. If you make a set of rules as I suggested, share a copy with your RA so that the rules are on record (when I was an RA we made all rooms write some rules for their room and share them with us). If your roommate blows you off and/or continues disrespecting your space, your RA may be able to help you by mediating a discussion between the two of you, or helping you find another room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T23:01:27.683" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T23:01:27.683" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-29T01:21:21.937" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Reassure them that you're not judging them by not partaking&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look, when it comes to people getting upset about having an offer turned down is that it comes down to the person becoming offended that you're &quot;better than them&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who eat [excessive amounts of] confectionery, drink alcohol or partake of &quot;fun&quot; things in life already &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that what they're doing is not necessarily the best thing for them. Having someone reject that or abstain makes them realise that they shouldn't do it either. &lt;em&gt;They&lt;/em&gt; have chosen to partake, and it's abrupt to hear &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; say no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than pick themselves up, they tend to prefer if everyone was down on their level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In these situations, it's helpful to have a tactful way of saying &quot;no&quot; when also reassuring them that you're not judging them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not many people know this, but I don't drink alcohol (for many reasons), but if ever offered, I'll divert the issue by asking about it, taking an interest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[with a smile]  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, what type is that? Is it sweeter than the stuff you had last time? I'm all good thanks, but you guys go ahead, I'll have some coke if you have some mate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Haha, nah thanks, I'm on a diet&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if offered chocolate or confectionery that I don't like or feel like at the moment, I usually divert by either saying something silly like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No thanks, I'm sweet enough as it is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mate, look at me, do I look like I need cake?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No thanks, I'm driving&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last option is just too silly in that moment to feel threatened or disheartened by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I come from a Persian background, and if you've ever witnessed Persian &quot;Tarof&quot; then you'll know that it goes something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIJBwBbLMMc&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIJBwBbLMMc&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to understand that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are not the problem; &lt;em&gt;they are&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. They feel insecure about their choice to partake, or feel like it's tradition and are made to feel like they've done something wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So find a way to make them feel ok with what they're doing, or at least that you're not partaking has nothing to do with them doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;You said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;code&gt;It's not their business and I don't want to discuss this with them&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I agree, it isn't. So don't explain it. Divert and move on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Hey have some beer&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Nah, all good. Hey did you see the [x] game last night? Crikey, what a fumble mate!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Have some of this delicious cake&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Nah thanks, haha I'm sweet enough as it is [cheeky grin]. Hey are you still going out with that sheila from last time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15996" LastEditorUserId="15996" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T01:31:07.603" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T01:31:07.603" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12491" CreationDate="2018-03-29T01:29:30.140" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two things you don't know:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is she interested in you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is she going to have sex with someone without a relationship(nowadays in the western world most do but far from all).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is going to stay for more than one night, you can use the first night to see what happens. If there will be chemistry between you and she will move close to you, start touching you, hugging you, etc... then she's probably interested. Most girls still won't make the first move(I was in situations were they practically made out with me with their hands and body but I still had to be the one to make the first kiss) and you will need to be the one to kiss her, if you somehow managed to misunderstand the situation just say you're sorry, it will be awkward but you'll both survive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the kiss was successful, slowly proceed further. If she only wants to make out and not to have sex she will tell you when to stop. Talk to her about it and continue based on your conversation, at that point you will both know that you're interested in each other and everything will be easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing happens on the first night, just talk to her and tell her you're romantically interested but you will also be happy to just remain friends. That will be awkward but you'll know where you stand after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5412" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T01:29:30.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12491" CreationDate="2018-03-29T04:08:14.343" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;People use a number of different signals to indicate that they are interested in physical intimacy. The signals someone uses will depend on how comfortable they are with you as well as their communication style. These typically fall into two categories: verbal and non-verbal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Verbal cues&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The verbal cues that people use range from extremely subtle to downright obvious. On the downright obvious end there are some who will state their intentions outright. I had a friend in college who asked me if I wanted to go to her place that night to have sex. It's unlikely that your friend will take this approach unless she is a very blunt person or extremely comfortable with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other end of the verbal cues spectrum is the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dictionary.com/browse/double--entendre&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;double entendre&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;a word or expression used in a given context so that it can be understood in two ways, especially when one meaning is risqué.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Double entendres are a very popular way to signal interest. I personally use them more than any of the other cues. Double entendres are popular because they allow you to build a rapport with someone through mutual understanding. Pay attention to the things she says as double entendres can often be missed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Non-verbal cues&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a number of non-verbal cues that are used as well, and again the prevalence of their use will depend on how comfortable the person is. Here are several cues that people use to signal interest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Eye contact&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Touches&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Distance&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This list is by no means an exhaustive one, but it is a great place to start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Eye contact&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eye contact can be one of the easiest signals to pick up on. Women who are interested will be making much more eye contact with you than women who aren't. Often times eye contact will be accompanied by facial expressions such as a coy smile or a raised eyebrow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Touches&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another common non-verbal cue as to whether or not a woman is interested in you is the way she touches (or doesn't) you. Women who are interested will often touch you lightly. If you are facing each other, a woman who's interested may put her hand on your arm. If next to each other (walking, sitting on the couch, etc...) a woman may put her arm around your waist or lean against you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Distance&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Women who are interested will often maintain a shorter distance away from you. If you find her inching closer to you or standing much closer than would be normal for a conversation, this is often indicative of interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An important thing to note is that none of these things by themselves necessarily means that she wants anything more than someone to hang out with. Reading another person isn't just taking a single behavior and ascribing meaning to it. You want to look for a pattern of consistent behavior. You can also ask her if you aren't sure. If you see something that you think could be a sign, but aren't sure just say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I noticed you've been doing {noticed behavior}. Does that mean you are interested in something more than just staying for a weekend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are also a number of resources on the internet about how flirt which you can look at to try and reverse engineer the signals you are receiving. A few of my favories can be found &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://introvertedalpha.com/flirting-signs/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Spagirl pointed out in the comments, this is only the starting point. Being able to recognize the signals opens up the possibility for you to make your interest known. You can do this by asking as I have suggested or by following the advice posted in a few of the other good answers that have been posted to your question. These can help you safely and respectfully communicate your interest to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T19:17:29.380" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T19:17:29.380" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12464" CreationDate="2018-03-29T04:56:05.020" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest being honest with her about the way you feel.  Ask her more about the dancing and explain your feelings.  If she really is a true friend, she would understand that people are different and you have your ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could make it funny or make it a joke at the wedding if you want.  If you do not like people judging you - or your culture is not welcoming to those who don't dance at weddings - perhaps you can say something like &quot;Look, I am the clown who does not dance&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option would be similar, but to purposely dance really poorly.  The dancing typically comes after socializing and eating.  So you could spend that time making jokes to different people about how bad you dance - and even demonstrate with expressive and funny moves.  And when the time comes to dance - DANCE!  But dance in a very silly way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I suggest you find ways to move past your dancing issues.  There will be so many more situations where you may be expected to do something that makes you uncomfortable.  Try to work through and make yourself more comfortable.  If that means talking to a psychologist or therapist - do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15937" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T04:56:05.020" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12513" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12497" CreationDate="2018-03-29T05:26:31.547" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As one grows older, friends can come and go and come again.  It is not predictable.  I suggest you do what you can to keep in touch with her, however don't over do it.  Maybe she will make it back to you when she is ready, and maybe you will both have moved on by then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a 50 year old, I have had best friends for 10 years, and then they just sort of fade away.  While newer acquaintances turn into close friends.  Life ebbs and flows - there is just so much we can control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps your need to keep &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; close is not as great as her need to keep &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; close.  That does not make her a bad person nor bad friend.  It is just a fact of life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are times when doing nothing is actually the best choise&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15937" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T05:26:31.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12420" CreationDate="2018-03-29T07:21:03.203" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask Jane if you can have the camera back after she's done using it. Her answer may or may not clear up the issue of ownership, but awkwardness will be kept to a minimum. If you can tolerate more than that minimum of awkwardness, also state that you thought the camera was yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, if you are given something that is not perishable or consumable, and your ownership of the thing is not positively asserted by the other party, you should assume it's not yours and be ready to return it after a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Examples of non-perishable things: a house, furniture, a vehicle, legwear, a backpack, an electrical or battery-powered device or appliance, chemical reagents (unless you are known to use them in industrial quantities), a DVD, a book, a mechanical pencil, anything that is not obviously perishable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Examples of&#xA;perishable or consumable things: money (esp. cash), food, fuel, blank paper, underwear, cigarettes, alkaline cells, building materials, a shaving razor, a blank DVD, a regular pencil.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Examples of assertions of your ownership of the thing: &quot;it's [all] yours&quot;,&#xA;&quot;it's a present for you&quot;, &quot;do whatever you want with it&quot; (dubious, ask for clarification),&#xA;&quot;I will not ask for it back in the future&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Examples of&#xA;non-assertions of your ownership of the thing: &quot;you can have/keep it&quot;, &quot;I don't need it/I'm not using it anymore&quot;, &quot;I have another one&quot;, &quot;I might want it back in the future&quot;, anything that is not clearly an assertion of your ownership.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16006" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T07:21:03.203" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12420" CreationDate="2018-03-29T07:36:32.457" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;With a smile say &quot;Oh, is it your camera? I thought you gave it to me. Of course I'll let you borrow my camera. How long will you need it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she thinks otherwise, the embarrassment will be on her for either miscommunicating what she meant, or for changing her mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already said you're disgusted with her for cancelling her appearance at multiple events, so let that thought give you a sense of righteousness when you speak with her. You may also want to further assess her actions to determine if you should reduce her importance to you or your willingness to experience the drama of repeat performances. She may be demonstrating your importance to you by her actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16004" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T07:36:32.457" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12505" CreationDate="2018-03-29T08:48:58.687" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's often said that people treat you how you let them, and it sounds like this person either just has no respect for others in general, or sees you as a weak person she can treat with casual disregard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion this situation requires some confrontation, but if you don't want to do it face-to-face, then you could fall back to email or online messaging if it makes the process easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things like her coming in late aren't necessarily within your control, but certainly her allowing someone to sleep in your bed is crossing a boundary (unless she believed you weren't going to be there that night, but it doesn't sound like that was the case, and even so she should have asked permission first).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally you should sit down and ask to discuss some boundaries around sharing the house, then tell her that it's not okay to let someone else sleep in your bed, nor to lock the door to &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; room. (I'm assuming she was being intimate with her partner, but even still you should agree a system for this, not just her locking you out at will).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately this is one of those situations where she may be relying on your fear of confrontation to enable her to treat you badly with no repercussions. You have to make a choice between tackling the issue directly or allowing it to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T08:48:58.687" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12420" CreationDate="2018-03-29T09:42:04.290" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;As she is asking it back, simply give it back, without further comment except &quot;Thank you for letting me use it. That was really helpful.&quot; - If she remembers her initial intention to leave it totally to you, she will give it back. If she regrets her initial action, she will keep it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you cannot afford your own camera and would like to use hers for another project, you just can ask her after a time if she would let you use it again for a couple of weeks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: I would avoid arguments on ownership of gifts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16013" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T09:42:04.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12505" CreationDate="2018-03-29T10:25:20.253" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't confront her, it's obvious she will continue to do so. Therefore, think about what you want to discuss exactly, build the courage and confront her. I'd advise you not to email or message her before confrontation, because it can cause miscommunication. Therefore, find the best time to confront her (when you both are free and alone in the room).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before confronting her, remember you must not blame her for everything. I am not saying you should blame yourself here, but blaming usually hurts person in front badly and might make conversation loud and aggressive. Since you're both roommate, therefore, try to have a will to compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you gather courage and found perfect time to talk, you should talk about the boundaries like if someone can sleep in your bed with/without permission, or how many and how often guests are allowed in your room etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the instance about finding someone else sleeping in your bed, say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just want to let you know that I feel disrespected when I have to catch sleep and someone else is sleeping in my bed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or for the behavior she does with her guests in your room,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just wanted to let you know that it makes me feel uncomfortable when [insert what exactly made you feel that]. Please try not to repeat that. Thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're both nice to each other, I can say things will work out better if you confront her. If you don't, things will become worse and harder to handle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Source:&lt;/strong&gt; Based on personal experience and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.collegemagazine.com/confront-roommate-without-war/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T11:55:34.867" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T11:55:34.867" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12415" CreationDate="2018-03-29T10:26:20.517" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally I would not at all include a favorable assessment of myself. The reason is that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Such a statement is factually worthless to the reader because it is necessarily biased. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It also shows that you are not aware of the bias, which is a negative information about your judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It shows that you are full of yourself, which is a negative information about your character.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry for being so harsh; I mean well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can and should do (apart from including the obvious list of provable achievements) is to include statements which &lt;em&gt;other people&lt;/em&gt; have made about you. Those do not suffer from the defects I listed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did people love to work in your teams because it was fun and productive? Did your superiors commend you for solving difficult situations? Are you having standing offers to come back which you cannot accept for personal reasons so that you are forced to look elsewhere?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4313" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T10:26:20.517" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12522" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12491" CreationDate="2018-03-29T11:00:35.353" Score="83" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are a man, she is a woman. If there were a reliable way of reading her intentions, half of all books, movies, plays, songs, operas and other artwork would not exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to approach this question not from an angle of knowing, but from a position of high uncertainty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will never reach certainty until you straight out ask. However, at least in western culture, we have a double-bind deeply embedded in our courtship rituals: You cannot ask someone for intimacy until you are already very close.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you need to &lt;strong&gt;reduce your uncertainty&lt;/strong&gt;, step by step. You already know that she is single. You already know that she trusts you to some extent (spending a night in a man's home is not something that most women do easily).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside from that, she is probably in a similar situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are asking how interested she is in you, but you seem to be unclear about how interested you are in her. Can you answer, without hesitation and with absolute certainty, if you would like to have her as a friend, sex partner, girlfriend or future wife? Are you certain where you want her on that scale or are you somewhat flexible, with preferences but no one clear answer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How good is the chance that it is similar with her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely, you both don't have a clear answer and this weekend together is, without you realizing it, where you both will figure it out. If you are lucky, both of you come to the same conclusion. Potential for conflict exists if the answers differ.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest solution, of course, is &lt;strong&gt;to talk&lt;/strong&gt;. And keep talking. You will spend a lot of time together, so naturally you will talk. By themselves these talks will wander and your general principle should be to be honest and always make &lt;strong&gt;one&lt;/strong&gt; step forward. Not two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is something called &quot;the 12 stages of intimacy&quot;. Please Google it by yourself, as there are several approaches to the topic, some of which are a bit on the creepy (seduction artist) side, so I leave the choice to you. These is physical intimacy, the same principle holds for non-physical - whenever you notice that your conversation topics have moved on to something more personal, you've made a step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, after all of that, the simple answer is to become more intimate with her step by step and carefully watch if she is comfortable in following or not, and to follow her as long as you are comfortable when she makes a step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will never &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; if the next step is wanted. That is why it's called romance, because there is an element of uncertainty involved. That uncertainty is what makes it interesting and what causes the adrenaline rush that many people mix with the feeling of falling in love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you move too fast, you can get into awkward situations. If you move slowly, one step at a time, you can always lift that foot again and step back without losing balance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="3375" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T05:16:12.257" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T05:16:12.257" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12525" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12530" CreationDate="2018-03-29T12:07:15.967" Score="3" ViewCount="971" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I moved to Denmark a bit more than a year ago - from a Western Europe country. I originally did not plan on staying there more than 6 months. For that reason, I did not start learning the language right away. I started learning the language less than 6 months ago. I am really willing to try and am making quick progress, but it is still difficult and I struggle with it.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About two months ago, I started a internship in a local company. The majority of the employees are Danish. Therefore, most of the people-to-people interaction happens in Danish.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the first real work experience I have that matches my studies and my first work experience in this country. It seems like a lot of things differ from where I come from - here in Denmark it is less formal and more relaxed, from what I have seen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a very shy person. I repeat every sentence in my mind a lot of times before actually saying it. I can do a bit of small talk if someone speaks to me, but I often can't bring myself to talk to someone first. Sometimes I would like to say something to a coworker - not work related, just for the sake of getting to know them as they interact a lot with each other - but simply can't bring myself to do so. When this happens, I usually end up not saying anything because it makes me feel uncomfortable. For work matters, I manage to force myself but it requires a lot of thoughts and stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you exclude the fact that I am very shy, I also take a deep interest in people and really like social interaction (especially 1-to-1 conversation). I enjoy talking with anyone as long as they initiate the first talk(s).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my coworkers talk to me, they use English. Most of the time it is work related. When it is not, I manage to continue the conversation a bit and do some small talk. All of them have a good level of English and they hired me knowing that I don't speak Danish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My colleagues interact with each other in Danish. Our weekly meetings are in Danish - myself being the only one talking about my work in English. They have lunch all together and have conversations together at work and at the coffee machine. They sometimes have cake and coffee together, thus resulting in conversations together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had lunch with them a few times, but it resulted in me sitting with them and not understanding what they were talking about,  which was uncomfortable. I now have lunch with other non-Danish friends in the same building. This might be a bad move from my side, but I really was feeling too uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my co-workers are having a group conversation - or any conversation in Danish - I feel like I would love talking with them, but it would be rude to interrupt their conversation to switch it to English. It happened a few times that I sat for 30 minutes in a meeting without understanding more than a few words, and that I ended up leaving the meeting without a clue of what was going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After about two months of work, I still don't know what many of my co-workers are working on. Some days I don't speak with anyone apart from the general &quot;good morning&quot; and the general &quot;have a nice evening/see you tomorrow&quot;, because no one speaks to me. One day, I did not congratulate a coworker that had birthday. The reason for that is that the person was having a conversation with 3 other people and I could not bring myself to interrupt them. After that conversation, the co-worker left. I feel bad about this since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are a small team - about 10-15 people - and I am worried that they might find me unfriendly, or might think that I have no interest in talking to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how much that would be relevant in Denmark, but all of the people in my team are from the opposite gender. Also, as I understood it, small talk with co-workers seems to be quite important here. I also got the impression that some of my colleagues were uncomfortable when I did try to have some small talk with them - the co-workers I am talking about also seem shy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My questions&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is there a way to know if my concerns are valid and if my coworkers do think I am not interested in speaking to them?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How should I behave to make them understand that I am just shy and not ignoring them?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How could I have more interactions with my co-workers without making them uncomfortable?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14307" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T13:30:37.620" Title="How to avoid looking/sounding unfriendly when I don't speak the same language as everyone at work?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;&lt;denmark&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12491" CreationDate="2018-03-29T12:51:36.747" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since she's staying for some days, you can also arrange have dinner and/or drinks in a more intimate setting, that could range from a restaurant to a late-night picnic somewhere with a beautiful view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will want to make the invitation as casual as possible at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, since you're going to stay for a few days, I'd like to take you to dinner at this place, what do you think? It has a great view of the city/great ambience/great energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might already show your intentions a little and also provide a good setting for a possibly more romantic engagement. If she accepts, once you're both there you can take small steps to check her interest. &lt;strong&gt;As long as she is reciprocating then you might take on step further&lt;/strong&gt;. If she stops reciprocating or drastically changes her behaviour it means she is not interested in going any further. Then you should &lt;strong&gt;slowly move back one step and not attempt anything else&lt;/strong&gt; at this point. Keep looking happy and friendly even if you're a bit disappointed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many ways this can be done and it's important to understand the context and adapt your method, but one &quot;script&quot; suggestion &lt;em&gt;could  go like this&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Try to &lt;strong&gt;talk about yourselves&lt;/strong&gt; while keeping a lot of eye contact. Also when she's speaking, look at her mouth and hair too. Smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Try to &lt;strong&gt;move closer&lt;/strong&gt; to her as you progress on conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Try &lt;strong&gt;small and non obvious touching&lt;/strong&gt;, such as legs, forearms, shoulders. This is easier if you have interesting things on your phone to show, so you can get closer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) Try a &lt;strong&gt;bit more obvious touching&lt;/strong&gt;, such as hands or hair. You can achieve that by trying to mention her hair has a great cut/color/shape and touching it slightly. At this point you can also mention her hands are so delicate/strong and try to move on to the casual &quot;let's compare hand sizes&quot;. &lt;strong&gt;This is where you can usually spot the interest or non-interest&lt;/strong&gt;. If she feels comfortable touching the palm of her hands to yours, it's a fairly good sign she's interested. Especially if you guys keep eye contact, even better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;5) &lt;strong&gt;Move to talking about the both of you&lt;/strong&gt; (as in an unity). For example, about how you met, how nice is that you're here now, how you've been wanting her to come over, etc. At this point you can also start to compliment her. Try to compliment all of her, not just her looks. Mention the things you like about her personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;6) If everything worked up until here and she's looks happy about your compliments, you may do the &quot;final&quot; move. You can &lt;strong&gt;caress her face and lean in to kiss her&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully if you got to this point you can be pretty sure she's interested in you, &lt;strong&gt;but&lt;/strong&gt; it doesn't mean she is going to want to have sex with you.&#xA;I'd suggest you appreciate that moment together and see if things seem to heat up. Then you can ask if she wants to move it back to your apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that there are no good scripts anymore because it's mostly about reading each other's bodies. So you basically make sure she's comfortable with whatever you're doing and &lt;strong&gt;if in doubt always ask: &quot;Is this okay?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not a turn-off, it's a very responsible attitude and it will make her feel safe and give her time to think it over and make sure that's really what she wants. Remember she's far from her home and spending the night on a stranger's apartment. You don't want her to feel pressured to do anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6479" LastEditorUserId="19588" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T10:01:23.887" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T10:01:23.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12528" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12535" CreationDate="2018-03-29T12:58:25.613" Score="45" ViewCount="14482" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my country of origin, Hungary, men should enter pubs and bars before their female companions, as opposed to holding the door for them. This is due to the assumption that pubs and bars can be dangerous and it would be impolite to let the lady enter first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was looking at etiquette rules in other countries (especially the UK and the US) and haven't found anything of the sort. Thus the question is: &lt;strong&gt;do I hold the door and let the lady enter the pub/bar first, or should I go inside first?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16021" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2018-03-30T13:42:48.647" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T12:17:55.903" Title="What is the current etiquette in the US and UK regarding a man holding doors for female companions?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12525" CreationDate="2018-03-29T13:10:56.753" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First thing: Get a Dane to teach you a Danish version of the sentence:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry, but my Danish is currently not good enough to follow. Can we switch to English please? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then practice that sentence to pronounce it perfectly. This will function as a gesture of courtesy as you show that you made an effort. I usually do this when I go on holiday to anywhere I don´t speak the language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then just proceed in English. As you noticed most Danes speak English quite well. As this is a rather small country, not all media gets translated so most are used to encounter some English during their normal life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally it is a matter of courtesy in any group to speak in a language all can understand. But it is also quite normal to slip into ones mother-language when addressing someone with the same language. I know this from our mix of German/English/French employees. It is neither rude nor unfriendly to remind one to switch back to English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have doubts about what your colleagues think about your lack of engagement with them, you can just be open an explain yourself. Something along the lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry if I seem disengaged from time to time. Its just that I have trouble following you in Danish right now, and I don´t want to force you to speak English all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T13:10:56.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12525" CreationDate="2018-03-29T13:30:37.620" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a way to know if my concerns are valid and if my coworkers do think I am not interested in speaking to them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to find that out is by asking one of them - of whom you know is honest - directly, and also hope he &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; honest. Also, you could make a greater effort(I know it's difficult) and try to initiate some small-talk by yourself. Start with the persons that you &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; they are OK with you( most probably all of them are, I'll explain further) and &lt;strong&gt;if you feel&lt;/strong&gt; that it works, you can go even further and try to organize a mini-party and invite them all(since they are only 10-15). Then, in a joking manner you could add that &quot;english is mandatory&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should I behave to make them understand that I am just shy and not ignoring them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mostly, everybody can notice a shy person and make a difference between a shy person and one that ignores.&#xA;Just be yourself. I also know how a shy person is. In some moments I am the shy person, in other moments I notice the shy person. In general, shy people don't speak much, but they are warm people and that's something your co-workers feel from your attitude. Maybe you speak only a few words a day with them. How are those words? Mean them, smile and if you're saying &quot;Good Morning&quot; let the person truly feel that you wish them a good morning. &#xA;In my case, I can feel. I feel when the &quot;good morning&quot; it's not sincere(I don't mean about sleepy people, but those who'd rather say: &quot;Ah, you again...&quot;), I feel when a person offers me something but doesn't really want to give me, or invites me somewhere or doesn't really want me there, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know your attitude is the right one, the your worries are the wrong ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I have more interactions with my co-workers without making them uncomfortable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second part of the first answer applies here as well. Start with small steps. Maybe, after your &quot;good morning&quot; you could add: &quot;How are you today?&quot; and make a small-talk based on his answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;-I'm fine, thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;-Good to hear that. How's the task going?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;-Not to good today...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;-Oh, what happen? You're OK?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More interactions depend on you to make them in the beginning. But be careful not to push. If you feel that the person doesn't like you(even tho sometimes it's just a feeling and the person actually &lt;strong&gt;didn't get know you&lt;/strong&gt;), make a step back. You don't have to reach awkward moments and you will keep that away by starting with small things as I said previously, and growing the level of small-talk step by step, or by letting grow naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13034" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T13:30:37.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12531" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-29T13:32:46.937" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It does not matter who you're holding the door for, actually. It's okay to hold the door for anybody who got some items in both hands and can't open the door, or the person who is not able to open the door due to the strength they lack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason why it became a norm to hold the door for ladies, because they usually carry a bag in one hand and a baby in other or they have complicated clothing etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, it is okay to hold the door for anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-30T12:00:34.940" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T12:00:34.940" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12532" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-29T13:36:30.077" Score="49" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't speak for all of the US, but I hold the door for others - both men and women.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The old rules of etiquette are changing.  Men are no longer expected to walk on the side facing the street.  Men no longer stand up when women enter or leave the room.  Women and men now shake hands as equals - women no longer offer their hand with the palm down.  These are just some examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With respect to entering a business before a woman: I generally let my wife go in first.  Why? I don't know; I suspect that it's because it's polite to let the other person with you go in first.  She sometimes holds the door for me as well.  I think that it would ruder to go up to the door, open it, go through, and let her deal with the door herself.  If I do wind up going through a door before her, I hold it open - but I as a rule do that for the person following me irrespective of who that is.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what I suggest, especially if you're on a date: hold the door for her and let her in first.  It doesn't have anything to do with her being frail or other feminist claptrap - holding the door for someone else just makes it easier for them and is the polite thing to do.  I think it's considerate to open the door for someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit in response to OP's comment: With respect to going into a less safe place, I still would hold the door open for whoever I'm with.  The reasoning for this is: I wouldn't take anyone to a place where there's a huge risk of something bad happening the moment you walk through the door. (Q: just how dangerous are bars in Hungary?) I wouldn't go there myself and certainly wouldn't expect anyone else to go there with me.  Even if it's a really rough bar, it would take a few moments for anything to start and by that time I'd be inside anyways.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T18:32:00.887" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T18:32:00.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-29T13:50:03.603" Score="88" Body="&lt;p&gt;In basically safe places, as pubs and bars in the US and the UK are supposed to be, the protecting behaviour towards the woman accompanying you does not make much sense anymore. I feel like the courtesy of holding a door outweights it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my rule of thumb:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the door opens outward, I open it, hold it and let the other person pass.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the door opens inward, I open it, go inside first and hold it for the other person. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can see, the &quot;going in first or not&quot; depends only on what is the most comfortable way to open the door and hold it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the &lt;em&gt;gender&lt;/em&gt;, if I'm with a man and I see that he wants to open the door for me, I'll let him do it; I perceive it as giving the two of us the chance of behaving according to the prevalent social rules, thus gaining &quot;niceness points&quot;. If I'm with another woman, I'll generally hold the door for her. As a general rule, I expect the person that gets the door first to hold it for the other one(s), regardless of the gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-03-30T13:40:22.840" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T13:40:22.840" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12535" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-29T14:10:19.013" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have come across this etiquette for bars and restaurants in &lt;em&gt;Germany&lt;/em&gt;, although it is not applied nearly as much as holding the door for example. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reasoning I had in my head was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it´s always a little intimidating entering a place full of unknown people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may have to make arrangements to find your spot and then get the woman properly seated (taking her coat, moving her chair) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would hold the door for the woman on the way out though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are all rather optional today and if perceived well or not is highly dependent on the individual.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could also find a reference in the no. 1 German etiquette book, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.knigge.de/themen/gesellschaft/der-restaurantbesuch-5818.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the Knigge&lt;/a&gt; which also mentions as reasoning the security-concerns of oldern days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T14:28:38.180" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T14:28:38.180" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1425" CreationDate="2018-03-29T15:24:14.003" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The more you fight against Frank, the more defensive he will become, which will manifest as things like additional obstinacy and power grabs - precisely the sort of damaging behavior you are trying to avoid. Although you may not be the root cause of the problem here, be careful that your actions do not inadvertently escalate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to give Frank some extra validation and emotional security. Make sure you compliment him on the things he does do well. If these are hard to find, then start with small things, or use things you work on together as an excuse to publicly give him credit and thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use these things to start to build a better relationship with Frank, so that you can talk to him openly about what you - and he - think you should do to make sure your differences of opinion don't get in the way of the project and your relationship. I think having this conversation explicitly might help to dispel some of the tension and start you on the right road. But for this to work, the conversation has to be on a meta-level: I notice we have differed on a few things, how should we handle that going forward? Rather than about particular specific causes of contention, which risks opening emotional topics about that particular disagreement. Emphasise that you are looking for what Frank thinks, and that a major goal is to make sure he is happy, successful, and gets to exercise the power that is rightfully his.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully this will start the process of him being able to trust, to sometimes ask your advice, and to admit his mistakes on those occasions when he becomes aware of them. This has to be reciprocal - he has normal human pride and doesn't want to be forced into a subordinate relationship. Ask his advice too! Talk to him about it in the spirit of understanding where your differences of opinion stem from, rather than demonstrating &quot;who is right.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you will even find some topics on which you learn something and change your own mind. Maybe your boss will perceive that you have demonstrated good leadership by resolving a difficult situation by working &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt; people to find workable solutions that are acceptable to people with different points of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I very much like other answers on this page, about clearly delineating responsibilities and involving your superior. I make this suggestion in addition to those ideas, not instead of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3269" LastEditorUserId="3269" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T15:30:52.747" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T15:30:52.747" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12538" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-29T15:30:14.157" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hold the door for my groups, male or female, but I make a special effort to do so for my female companions. Partly it is because I was trained to do so as a child. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I view it as an act of courtesy and respect that sets me apart and distinguishes me from some other males. I've never met a woman who expected me to hold the door for her, and only very rarely met a woman who was insulted by the gesture. Most interpret it as a simple throwback gesture of respect. Older women usually appreciate it as a gesture of respect for their generation's customs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Texas, though, and Southern Courtesy is a thing here. I also say 'Sir' and 'Ma'am' a lot more often than most. I pull the chair out for my date, and open the car door for her if I am able. I don't do these things because they are Ladies, but because I am a Gentleman, if that makes sense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16029" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T15:30:14.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12540" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12491" CreationDate="2018-03-29T15:38:37.393" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn't a direct answer to your question but regardless of what she might be thinking you really need to work from the assumption that the trip will be platonic.  Set up the spare bed for her with clean sheets and put some on your own while you are at it.  Lay out some fresh towels for her and clean the place up, especially the bathroom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is interested and you come on too strong or act presumptuous, you could blow it.  Making her feel safe when alone with you is paramount. Also it's crucial that you don't suggest, imply, or give any indication that she owes you something for being allowed to stay there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1982" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T12:33:42.383" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T12:33:42.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12541" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12480" CreationDate="2018-03-29T16:04:55.170" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Follow the chain of command. Give him a chance to clarify, but if his clarification doesn't help, forward it to his boss or his co-workers. &quot;I'm sorry to bother you, but I need help. I don't understand this response, could you please clarify it?&quot;. Of course the request is ridiculous, but it is ridiculous by his making, not yours. You're just sharing the joy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If his boss doesn't like being disturbed, he will correct his employee. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16029" LastEditorUserId="16029" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T16:46:31.317" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T16:46:31.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12480" CreationDate="2018-03-29T16:36:16.233" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd start with a reply before any sort of escalation, even if you have his boss' contact info.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time he sends a poorly written email, respond,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to provide a timely and accurate response, please use full sentences and proper spelling and grammar. The shorthand used in this and prior emails makes it rather difficult for me to decipher what you are asking and increases my response time, taking up more of your and my time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for your understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such a response, you're showing how changing his behavior will benefit both him and you and does not not point a finger directly at him. The 'shorthand' is the problem, not necessarily him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may come across as a little blunt but you are working professionals and, therefore, it is expected that you both act professionally. Not using proper spelling and grammar is NOT professional and absolutely should not be used in the workplace, especially to those outside your office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His emails reflect poorly on him and his company. You are giving him the chance to fix it before it becomes a bigger issue that could cost him his job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he responds with hostility or does not change his behavior, that is when you escalate. If your manager is not aware of the situation, loop him/her in and, if you can, contact the employee's manager. It's likely the employee sends emails like this to other partners and he is frustrating more people than just you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T16:36:16.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12480" CreationDate="2018-03-29T18:44:03.970" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There’s indeed a simple way to ease decoding the message and save your time and effort:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Grab your phone and call him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then go through his list with him and work it out until you have it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of asking what it exactly is that he wants you may apply the following technique:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sum up and paraphrase what you understood so far and ask the other person if this is what he wants. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ok Bob, please check if I got this right, okay?&#xA;  You want a double chock vanilla chai latte without ice delivered in a plastic bag before midnight, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then continue working from there until you get a “yes” and have all you need to fix the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to create a “paper trail”  of what you agreed on by summing it up and sending this by email to him.&#xA;This is to create evidence in case of “but I wanted something else” and at the same time providing a model of how to phrase questions in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that this is only the second best solution to your problem - the best being Bob just getting his act together and providing you with properly written requests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might get it after a few of your phone conversations and improve (or not). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When talking, you might even get to know him a bit and some of your frustration might melt away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be that decoding customers requests is part of your job, even if you don’t like that part very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also possible that this effort is not part of the contract with the customer. Then the extra support your company provides could be re-negotiated and billed. Hopefully you will get a share of this!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T18:44:03.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12491" CreationDate="2018-03-29T19:29:29.177" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What is your target? One night stand, nice time with her, long-term relationship? You can expect that she is about to ask (herself) similar question and test you accordingly. Relax and respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expect the worst but be ready for a change. Do not push in any way, let it slide. It may end as a nice weekend without success and turn in serious relationship some time after, or you may ruin everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make two beds and let your doors (half) open so she can freely decide to cross the line, or not.&#xA;Wherever you are about to rest, let her decide where she wants to rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let her to push your limits while checking hers. If she is comfortable, then keep it and wait for a while, If she's not, step back ASAP.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many hints allready mentioned that shows &quot;pushing the limits&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Longer eye contact&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Focus&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Shorter distance&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Accidental&quot; touches&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Change in word cadence&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;More personal topics in conversation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;More intimate topics in conversation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And take it as a game to play with one target - have a nice time with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T19:29:29.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12547" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4504" CreationDate="2018-03-29T19:32:31.707" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been on the other side of this, being the weird guy asking strangers for stuff in public places (in my case I was a canvasser asking for signatures to support political causes)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my perspective, I don't think this guy would be upset or even care if you told him 'not anymore'. If he disliked being rejected by strangers, he would be doing what he does&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His general assumption is probably that people who have acknowledged him are OK with his interactions unless they say otherwise. He's not going to just take a subtle hint as a no&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say something like &quot;I'm trying to establish better boundaries in my life and I don't want to talk to you anymore&quot;. Or something more causal like &quot;Nah I don't do that [high fiving people] anymore&quot;. Or really anything that clearly states what you want&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16041" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T19:32:31.707" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-29T20:29:52.143" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general I (a male) will hold the door open for anyone with me. However, my rules are complicated!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am walking with a man, and the door opens &lt;em&gt;towards&lt;/em&gt; me I will open it, and gesture for them to go through (Diagram 1 pt. A). Eye contact is important here. If they gesture back I will do as they indicate, and continue through - a back and forth in a doorway is not my idea of fun. I will walk through a door which opens &lt;em&gt;away&lt;/em&gt; from me then hold it for them (Diagram 1 pt. B).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/NZ45m.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/NZ45m.png&quot; alt=&quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am walking through a door with a woman, I will hold the door open and gesture to them &lt;em&gt;whichever way the door opens&lt;/em&gt;. (Diagram 2) Again, eye contact is a must. As with walking with a man, I will never get into a “gesture fight”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/rkUAw.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/rkUAw.png&quot; alt=&quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am walking with a group of just men, or a mixed group I will follow the same rules as I do when waking with one man. In the door &lt;em&gt;towards&lt;/em&gt; me situation, I will walk through only when one member of the group gestures for me to. In the door away from me situation, I will walk away when the next person is holding the door (Diagram 3).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/S59ji.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/S59ji.png&quot; alt=&quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am walking with a women-only group, I follow the same rules as with a single woman - I will still avoid getting into a “gesture fight”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I do not know the gender of the individual, I will default to the rules for female companions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the door is an automatic door with a button, the gender of the companion, the size of the group, and the direction of the door are irrelevant. I will press the button, then follow the same sequence as with one woman (Diagram 2 pt. A - without holding the door of course), or mixed group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is a person not waking with me, but just behind and I know they are walking through the same door, I will hold it if they are less than 4 seconds behind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="30" LastEditorUserId="30" LastEditDate="2018-03-29T20:44:33.310" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T20:44:33.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12505" CreationDate="2018-03-29T20:48:15.877" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You MUST confront her, or it will never end. She obviously thinks its alright to behave that way or else she wouldn't do so in the first place. She might be annoyed at first but she wont change unless she knows you're not okay with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to be a jerk about it. Just sit her down and talk it out. If she acts like a jerk then that's on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15804" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T19:24:07.277" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T19:24:07.277" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12420" CreationDate="2018-03-29T21:50:43.050" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many people have a pool of stuff for which they have no immediate use, but which might likely be useful for themselves or their friends in the future.  Something of a &quot;library&quot;, in a sense.  If nobody's using something and someone has need of it, that person would be welcome to take physical possession of the item and use it, but should make at least a reasonable effort to make the item available to others who might need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setting aside issues of personal friendship, taking an item from the pool and then asserting ownership of it would likely forfeit one's welcome to use anything else in the pool.  In general, there is nothing illegal about being a jerk, but the costs outweigh the benefits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that the camera was old might have been a reason for giving it to you personally, but it could just as well have been a reason for adding it to the &quot;pool of things for use by friends&quot;, with you happening to be the first customer.  If you regard the camera as being in such a pool, then you're likely not only to retain her friendship, but also access to other items that may be in the pool in future (like her current camera, the next time she upgrades).  Even if you would be legally entitled to claim the camera as yours, such a course of action may still be unwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4265" LastActivityDate="2018-03-29T21:50:43.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12554" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12558" CreationDate="2018-03-29T23:54:50.323" Score="4" ViewCount="257" Body="&lt;p&gt;A group of friends and I go on an annual summer trip river tubing and camping for a weekend. The last 4 times we've gone, we've used one particular outfitter, I'll call them outfitter A, to rent tubes and campgrounds. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second to last time we went, we saw a camp site right next to the best swimming spot on the river. We couldn't figure out who owned it at the time, but the next year, I spent a bunch of time looking through lists of outfitters and camp sites in the area to try and figure that out. Unfortunately, I couldn't find it, so we went with A again, and tried to figure it out while we were floating down the river that year, or at least find some landmark that was helpful. That also was unfruitful - so we still don't know who owns the campsite that we could rent it from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my next thought is to ask outfitter A who owns it, in the hopes they know and we can book with them. So &lt;strong&gt;I'm looking for advice on how to ask for it tactfully, in a way that's appropriate for interacting with a pretty small business (&amp;lt;10 employees).&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some potentially relevant details:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's been 3 years since we went tubing, as the last couple of vacations were to other places in the state than the river. So, while we've been there several times before, I don't know that they'll remember us, necessarily.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As a result of it having been several years, we can now legally drink, when we couldn't before. The campground that A owns does not allow drinking, though they don't enforce it as far as we can tell. I'm not sure how to turn this fact into a conversation about finding a specific other campsite, though.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We're still figuring out exactly what we want to do, but we may not tube with outfitter A this year either, as their drop off points are limited. Which is sort of a double whammy of &quot;tell us about your competitors and then we're not going to go with you at all&quot; that I'm concerned about.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this is allowed or not, but I want to invite frame challenges here as well. I'm not convinced this is an appropriate thing to ask a business, so if it's not, I want to hear that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5841" LastEditorUserId="5841" LastEditDate="2018-03-30T16:23:41.580" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T16:23:41.580" Title="How to ask a tourist outfitter about their competitor's products" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12556" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12561" CreationDate="2018-03-30T00:58:28.697" Score="6" ViewCount="1004" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in between jobs at the moment and have some temp work I've been doing to pay the bills. Often time's I work with, or at least see, the same people. The other day someone started asking me all of these interview questions. It was very sudden. The questions were uncomfortable, especially since we were eating lunch at a table with other people. The questions were like 'on a level of 1 to 10, how hard of a worker are you?' and 'if you got paid double, would you work twice as hard?'. He then revealed he's a manager at another company he works for the has a product related to smart homes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At his request I added him on LinkedIn and we exchanged phone numbers. He's been pestering me by text to set up an interview with him in the next few days. I've been busy with my other work and haven't had a time to look into his company but based on the way he's acting it's a scam.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that I probably will run into him again at our 'other job', how can I politely tell him I'm busy for the next little while but will get back to him if I am interested? BTW if he's doing the same temp work I'm doing, he's probably lying about being a manager for another company (I haven't checked out their website yet but just by the over eagerness he had in hiring a random person I'm suspecting it's a scam).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not sure when I'll be free to come in for an interview&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would just have him continue to text me each day asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, a little aside, but what's a good way to respond to someone asking these types of interview questions when you're not actually at an interview? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16052" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-30T04:18:41.303" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T05:14:00.163" Title="Someone keeps bugging me to come in for a job interview. How to politely decline?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12557" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-30T01:14:36.960" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this is the most common behavior in the United States nowadays, at least where I've lived (West coast and Northeast):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whoever approaches the door first should just walk through and &lt;em&gt;hold the door behind them&lt;/em&gt;, regardless of anybody's gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When somebody approaches the door, holds it open without entering, waits for me to walk through, and then follows behind me, I find it slightly awkward because it takes me by surprise and I always hesitate momentarily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16053" LastEditorUserId="16053" LastEditDate="2018-03-30T01:19:59.017" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T01:19:59.017" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12558" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12554" CreationDate="2018-03-30T02:09:30.503" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell outfitter A that you saw that site and you are interested to go there because of so and so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possible answers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I manage it, when do you like to go?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not the manager but I know the manager and I can get it for you (he will likely get a commission)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sorry I can't get you that one but I have something similar here...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go away, how dare you ask me about that&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess you will agree that option 4 sounds very unlikely. Just ask, you won't be the first person who discovered a nice place and asked for that one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T02:09:30.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12556" CreationDate="2018-03-30T03:24:55.247" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell him exactly what you think. There's nothing impolite about rejecting an interview request or letting a person know that you don't like to discuss work at lunch table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'on a level of 1 to 10, how hard of a worker are you?' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, I'm having my lunch, I really don't think this is the right place for an interview!&quot; (or)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hmm, I don't discuss work related stuff at lunch. Can we talk about this later ?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist on your number, you can ask them for their number instead (without giving yours) and let them know that you will call in case you are interested. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding how to respond to his text, you should tell him &quot;Sorry, I'm kind of busy right now. You don't have to text me, I will check your website and let you know if I'm interested&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should then find some time from your schedule and check up their website or check reviews about it and see if it fits your profile. There's no point delaying this and it normally takes very less time as people who are happy with a company may/may not give reviews, but people who are unhappy would most probably give a feedback somewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T03:24:55.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12560" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12587" CreationDate="2018-03-30T03:35:50.500" Score="0" ViewCount="767" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a senior at my school. A socially-awkward prefect, actually. Because of my shyness, I often ignore my juniors' misbehaviours, leading them to be spoilt. Also, they don't really care about what we seniors say because most of us are shy too. Our teachers are mad with the juniors because of their uncleanliness, rudeness and poor academic results, to name a few. So, how can I(we) scold them, just for the sake of the lesson, without annoying them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16055" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-03-30T04:20:49.003" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T18:24:03.133" Title="How can I scold my juniors without annoying them?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;&lt;leadership&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12561" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12556" CreationDate="2018-03-30T05:14:00.163" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might want to check out the website just to be sure, but at any rate if you're not interested in the position, just be honest about it. No need to go into specifics, just tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the offer, but I'm not interested in a position at your company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T05:14:00.163" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12560" CreationDate="2018-03-30T07:22:11.860" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of scolding them try to appreciate the people who behave polite/clean/score good marks. You can offer chocolates/cookies to them.This will make the other children to behave good. If you are studying in a school, then I am sure your juniors will be fond of chocolates/cookies. You can also ask their teaching staff to give bonus points to them for their neat and polite behavior. By this way, you can make your juniors behave good without scolding them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15597" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T07:22:11.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-30T09:43:00.163" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;French polite way would be to hold the door for anybody, not just females.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, it's even more important to do so for females, because courtesy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But personally I do it for about everybody, especially females/elders/disabled people and people I'm walking alongside with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16061" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T09:43:00.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12560" CreationDate="2018-03-30T09:53:06.127" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A general look on such a situation. Scolding tells them &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are not happy with them. If they don't care what others think, this will have no effect. Worse - it will have a negative effect as it decreases their respect for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need is something to make &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt; not happy with themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How? This depends on your role in this school. I don't understand this junior-senior relationship and why teachers are mad about them but you should correct this. So it may be the best first step to talk to your teachers about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T09:53:06.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12566" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12568" CreationDate="2018-03-30T11:00:54.747" Score="13" ViewCount="2497" Body="&lt;p&gt;I play World of Warcraft in a extremely nice guild for the better part of two months now. &#xA;We are a casual semi-hardcore raiding guild, so raid performance is still rather important, and if someone does not meet the standards he/she sadly can't raid &lt;sup&gt;(1)&lt;/sup&gt; until he/she improves significantly.&#xA;Normal procedure. Mostly we recruit people and if they dont meet the expectations they are kicked in the trial period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is now with a couple in the guild. They are in for more than a month now, so kicking is no longer an option as they are full members and socialized with us already. &#xA;Her husband is a very good raider, but she isn't. She is terrible! We had a healer shortage so we needed her, and that's why she came along every raid, altough her HPS (Heal Per Second) are terrible and she is constantly dying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we dont have the need for her anymore, and would like to exclude her from our raid team (until she improved ofc) but we dont know how to tell her.&#xA;We socially get along very well, and of course her husband is a very good &lt;em&gt;DPS&lt;/em&gt;, so we don't want to lose either of them. But I know that she very, very easily takes things the wrong way, &lt;strong&gt;really likes raiding&lt;/strong&gt;, and we, as we like her, don't want to offend her and/or make her feel bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We already told her that she will have to improve for the sake of the team, and I suppose she is trying to, but until now, this has not yielded any measurable results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can we communicate that she can no longer be in the core raid team without offending her in any way, and/or lose either of them?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Although this is gaming related, I think that this question still belongs to the interpersonal section as I wonder what path of communication to choose/how to communicate.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(1) &lt;strong&gt;Raiding&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;= Group of 10-20 people coming together for several hours several times a week to clear a large difficult dungeon in an online role playing game.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Community Setting&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;= In this community it's normal to be expected to put some effort into getting better constantly, to research, farm gear etc. This is expected and if this is not met, you normally get excluded from the raid. And sadly there exists no objective line someone has to cross to be &quot;good&quot; as we all strive to improve, but you can objectively (through logs) see if someone improves, but this is not the case with her&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution:&lt;/strong&gt;  We talked with her and came to the conclusion that it would be best for all of us if she did not participate in the most difficult raid in the week, but is welcome in the less difficult ones and as backup if a heal has no time. And we managed to give her guidlines, run with her dungeons in the freetime to help her improve etc. She took it very well and enjoys us helping her out a bit :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2020-07-18T16:55:23.970" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T16:55:23.970" Title="How to tell someone she can't &quot;raid&quot; with us due to previous bad performance?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;austria&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12566" CreationDate="2018-03-30T12:25:35.500" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What my SO would say:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, when it came to the point where the player is aware of their lack of skills because they've been told about it, things get pretty straight-forward yet neutral and polite:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aw3s0m3_G4m3r, I'm sorry but this raid is very important to us and I fear it'd go the same way as last time, where we constantly needed to heal you because your skills are not good enough for this difficult raid. We like playing with you but when it comes to raiding, we'd also love to win what we engage in, and I'm sure you understand this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I'd say:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; would do additionally to that (because I'm not a gamer but I'm always trying to tell people what I'd like to hear myself and the former sentence alone would make me a bit upset) is to tell them that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you know Aw3s0m3_G4m3r I like playing with you, and I'd be pleased to help you improve. Shall we practice just the two of us in the hope of raiding together in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously this only works if you're willing to help him/her improve but it lets him/her understand that you don't have anything personal against him/her and that if he/she improves, then you could raid together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why is she playing?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you think she's trying to improve, and that the community settings forces everybody to constantly get better. If she's aware of your community settings well I think she's not dumb and &lt;em&gt;wouldn't be your ball and chain voluntarily&lt;/em&gt;. Maybe she really likes playing with you all, despite her lack of skills? Is there a way to include her in other plays that wouldn't imply performance like raids do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I understand well, she's one of the players' wife. Maybe she likes these moments because it's something she shares with him, she gets to know the people her husband loves. &lt;strong&gt;Finding a play in which you could be together and where her lack of skills wouldn't be a problem could be a way to gently tell her that she doesn't belong to the raiding guild&lt;/strong&gt; (in the sense that she's not good enough) &lt;strong&gt;but it has nothing to do with her and that you like her anyway&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2020-07-18T13:16:08.797" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T13:16:08.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12570" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12566" CreationDate="2018-03-30T12:58:45.717" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a common issue among gaming groups of varying skill levels. There are a few things you can do to make your friend not feel offended or bullied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I've heard through other gamers, a lot of these raids are planned well in advance and you'll often have a good idea of what obstacles and enemies to expect. Each time a raid is being planned, make sure everyone is included in the planning process. Or at least, give everyone an opportunity to venture an opinion. Eventually, you'll work out that - for example - you'll need five warriors that can do X damage per second, two mages that can cast a certain spell and two healers that have at least X defence and can heal X per second. From these requirements, the party is chosen. I assume you do something like this anyway, but it can soften the blow if it is at least made clear that &lt;strong&gt;NO-ONE is exempt from these criteria&lt;/strong&gt;. Even if the highest level mage in your party can't cast &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; particular spell, he/she's not in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A second suggestion is to encourage back-up plans. If a major event is going on, the less experienced members of your group could participate in something less dangerous. At least then, you will have the option of saying &lt;em&gt;&quot;Unfortunately, the party needs an X HPS healer for Event A, but we're also planning a group for Event B where you could definitely help. We'll be making sure to share the spoils of the two events among the entire group.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; This could give her an opportunity to practice in a less risky raid and still be included in the group's activities. The risk of course is that it will appear that only the 'good' players take part in Event A every time, but it will be up to the group to rotate a mix of experienced / inexperienced players between the parties when it's safe to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As respectfully as possible, it would be best to explain that her exclusion from the raid party is only due to the difficulty of the challenge ahead, not necessarily due to her lack of skill. This may give her an opportunity to realise what her gameplay is missing to meet the requirements for next time. If it's brought up, politely emphasise that being in a relationship with someone else in the party is not factored in because it would be unfair on other players. It's a harsh decision but has to be made objectively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T12:58:45.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12571" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-30T13:01:35.523" Score="36" ViewCount="11104" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a new (game) streamer, I don't have a massive audience, and I find myself in quite a challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often when I play, some viewers will ask if they can play with me (or us if I'm already playing with friends).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I do not want to play with what we call &quot;randoms&quot;, as in, random people from the internet, is because I don't know them. I don't know if they're nice, if they're weird, of if they can be annoying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Surprisingly often, they are just looking for friends, which is fair, and going on a small live stream is actually a smart way to do it. And I don't disagree with it. But I don't know this person, he hasn't been on my chat for long enough, I haven't talked to them more than, what, 10 minutes in my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did it a couple of times, and both times I ended up regretting it. Once I played with a random from the audience and a friend, then had to leave so friend kept playing with the random. Now my friend keeps receiving invites and messages from this guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another time, the dude was just particularly annoying to a point where I kinda wanted to kick him out of my game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one hand I'd like to keep control of my stream, my content, and the people on it. I know my friends, I don't stream with all of them because I know how they are. On the other hand, if I bring viewers on stream, it's a good way to make them love you even more, and possibly be happier, bring more viewers, and make other viewers happy &quot;it could also be them&quot;. But doing that, I lose some control. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a very very small audience, I don't wanna sound like a massive jerk being &quot;too big to play with you, peasant&quot;. I like making the audience happy, but in this case, in does not make me happy all the time. Sometimes I'm sure I'll meet great people, but it'll be ruined by the times I will meet the most idiotic person of my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now my solution is to refuse kind of abruptly, sometimes slipping a little lie like &quot;I'd rather play alone right now&quot;, even though I wanted to play with friends and not randoms. And I end up not playing what I really wanted, making me a bit more &quot;unhappy&quot; with my stream and the viewer somewhat unhappy as well. I feel like everyone is losing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not asking &quot;what should I do?&quot;, even though I kinda want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I phrase a polite answer that basically says the following, in a respectful and understandable manner :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't know you enough&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would play with you if I did know you better&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm sorry I have to refuse, I really am&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to include restrictive rules, I don't want people to feel left out, specially when the channel is empty more often than not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16068" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-06-16T17:39:31.850" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T13:14:31.203" Title="How to refuse politely to play with someone as a streamer" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12572" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-30T13:25:57.967" Score="6" ViewCount="1515" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend with whom I have been playing a certain online game for many years.  I also play with his wife.  I have been friends with both of them for over three decades, first individually, and then as a couple after they got married.  They are both very competitive, as am I.  We all good-naturedly compete, and the game is a positive part of our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently the husband has started &quot;throwing&quot; the game with me.  By that I mean he intentionally makes plays that are strategically foolish, which results in me winning a much larger proportion of the games than I had before.  I know his playing patterns, and immediately noticed when he started doing this.  At first I thought it was a fluke, or that I was imagining things, but it has continued now for several months, to the point that I am worried about him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's one more bit of information.  In the last year (before the game thing began), he suddenly announced to the wife that he wanted a divorce.  She was shocked and upset, but is a pragmatic person, so she told him that if he didn't want her in their house, she would move out.  She immediately made plans to do that (within a few days), but when he saw she was serious about it, he reneged and blamed his request on stress at work.  She later told me they had &quot;worked things out&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm concerned about my friend, and wonder if he is trying to tell me something with his game behavior.  But I don't know whether to ask him about it.  I don't want to create a situation with him and his wife, or between myself and either of them.  I value both of their friendships and care about both of them. How do I express my concern to my friend in the correct way without creating a weird situation? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14285" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T19:24:52.647" Title="How to deal with a friend who is &quot;throwing&quot; online games" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12573" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12571" CreationDate="2018-03-30T13:26:40.627" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are streaming games routinely that have an online multiplayer element, it is inevitable that viewers will ask to join in. If you are keen to not directly include them in your games, it will be worthwhile to make this an indiscriminate policy of your stream. I can appreciate that you want to avoid this but it is the only way some people will understand. &lt;em&gt;There will be no way to please everyone.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anyone asks to join in, just reply with &lt;em&gt;&quot;Thanks for the offer! But for the time being, I'm only looking to play by myself. It's what I've practised for and that's the experience I want to provide to the viewers.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without bringing your other personal reasons into it, this will be best for making sure people don't feel excluded. During this time, it will still be healthy to stay in constant communication with the viewers who leave comments on the side, or by offering discussion topics for you and the viewers to discuss with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned you play mostly multiplayer games. If you start to find returning viewers, it might be worthwhile bringing more single-player modes or games into the mix. At least in the early stages, this can encourage viewers not to expect / assume they can join in your games. If you are still engaging with the viewers in other ways, they will not feel left out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T13:26:40.627" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12574" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12566" CreationDate="2018-03-30T13:28:29.017" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest a couple things. First:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Set metric standards and make sure everyone meets them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be easy enough to explain to everyone, &quot;If we want to actually make this happen we have to be hitting the mark.&quot; Unless the raid is fairly new you can probably find different thresholds online for what your group should be doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get your high-performers to buy-in to tutoring the people below the bar.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sterilizes the denial and gives her a path to correcting it. This second step is crucial - sometimes all the difference between a high-performer and a low-performer is a couple handy tips.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my own time in WoW, I nearly doubled my DPS one day when someone explained to me the math of why my spell-pattern wasn't optimal. One tip and I went from the middle of the pack to the top 5 dps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Git Gud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2680" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T13:28:29.017" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12572" CreationDate="2018-03-30T13:33:14.647" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, limit it to one topic.  If you start talking about everything, you could be opening up a much larger discussion than you had planned and can drive him away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like how you start this and I think you have the right premise: he's not playing like himself.  So start there!  The point in this discussion is for you to be yourself and not what some stranger on the internet advises you to be.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it were me, I'd say something like, &quot;Hey, I've noticed you aren't playing like yourself.  I've won some games that I shouldn't have won - are you doing OK?&quot; and let the conversation flow from there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guys don't always open up or talk about their feelings, especially if you just want to do that.  So have there be another context - if you normally get together, enjoy yourselves and when you have some time by yourselves, ask then.  Or go bowling.  Or fishing.  Or knitting.  The main thing is - be doing something.  Guys are a lot more willing to talk when they're doing something than when they sit down to &quot;talk&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend is fortunate to have someone who notices things like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T13:33:14.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12571" CreationDate="2018-03-30T13:38:17.247" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Warning: I'm not a gamer. I'm more the type of persone who'd watch you playing to draw your character on Photoshop. I just mean to say that I miss a lot of background and culture here.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who streams too, and who told me once that he was a bit annoyed because when he started streaming, it was with a game he enjoyed at that time. Now he's bored playing that game, but he quickly realized that his &amp;quot;followers&amp;quot; wouldn't watch his stream that often if he was playing something different (in fact he'd lose a big percentage of his viewers). So he kept going with that game that bored him for a while and ended up unhappy, or to be caricatural, &lt;em&gt;famous &lt;strong&gt;but&lt;/strong&gt; unhappy&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't stream but I think that when you stream, it's mainly for you, and for your own pleasure. IMO you shouldn't end up less happy when you do such things. I know it's multiplaying, but isn't there a way to tell those people:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Heh, thanks for the offer, but you know, strange as it may sound, I'd rather play alone for now. I'm just here to enjoy streaming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your question, I understand that it's not true that you'd like to play alone, and that you'd like to play with your friends. But would they know? I may not make much sense here, but it seems to me like it's the easiest option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2020-07-18T13:14:31.203" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T13:14:31.203" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-30T14:07:14.887" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It varies from person to person, but generally in the US, &lt;em&gt;it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm out with my fiancee, sometimes I'll get the door for her.  And sometimes if she's in front, she'll get the door for me.  It's just basic politeness, and it's appreciated, but not anything to make a big deal out of or attach special significance to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="439" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T14:07:14.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12578" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12571" CreationDate="2018-03-30T14:16:39.640" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone with a little streaming experience, I'd like to throw in my own two cents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, if someone asks if they can jump in and play with you and you flat out are not interested, stick to saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks for the offer! For now I (or we, if your friends are present) am going to stick to focusing on _______ (goal dependent on game... getting to the next level, winning 5 more games, etc).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I'd like to propose one more alternative to consider. Creating a following as a streamer can be incredibly difficult, and interacting with your viewers is one of the best ways to get people to stick around while the channel grows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of completely throwing this type of viewer interaction to the wind, maybe you could set boundaries beforehand, such as having a set period of time during the week where you allow viewer participation in your games or picking viewers at random to participate in &quot;X&quot; amount of matches with you before you resume your own routine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a concrete example, let's say you only allow viewers to play with you on Tuesdays from 7pm-8pm.  This does three great things for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Allows you to end your viewer participation at a set time without being rude&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of being &quot;trapped&quot; with someone you don't want to play with because you don't want to be rude for dismissing them prematurely or abruptly, you now have an explicit time period that has been agreed upon for them to play with you.  At the end of the time period, it won't seem rude when you say &quot;Thanks for playing!&quot; and dismiss them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Allows you to redirect anyone asking to play at a different time to stop in on Tuesday at 7pm&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have an allotted rule for viewer participation, such as this one, now when viewers stop in on Thursday asking to play with you, you can say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Actually, my viewer participation nights are Tuesdays around 7pm. Stop back then and we can play together!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This not only preserves viewer interaction, but it's going to get viewers who may normally only be there on Thursdays to also be there on Tuesdays, growing your crowd size and creating more participation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Continues allowing viewers to actively participate in your stream, which will help it grow&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The entire reason for making such a compromise, but this time it's on &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; terms... Besides, having a structured time where viewers can participate is something larger streams have to do anyway.  This could help you look more professional!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short, there's no shame in telling your viewers that you don't want any viewer participation at the time, but you have a lot to benefit from should you still allow it.  Your concerns and frustrations are all valid though, so consider if there are any rules you'd be comfortable setting to help you control your viewer participation instead of completely eliminating it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T14:16:39.640" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-30T14:26:00.947" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, LinuxBlanket's comment is what I do regardless of my companion's gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to that, holding doors exclusively for women is seen as somewhat backward in many areas. However, some places still treat it as normal---but even there, you will very rarely be censured for noncompliance. It seems they understand the habit is falling by the wayside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some women still like the deference in a romantic context, but I don't believe you are asking about that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16074" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T14:26:00.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12571" CreationDate="2018-03-30T14:26:38.237" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT: Meh, had left this page open and didn't see Jess K.'s answer before posting mine, however I'll just leave this here because I go a bit more in depth and provide some extras.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This might not be the best interpersonal answer but since I can only provide answers and no comments, here it goes.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, myself, am not a streamer but I do play games and used to watch a lot of streamers. And I would like to suggest you use a practical approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I dont' want to include restrictive rules&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But quite frankly, I don't think there's another way around your issue. You can't have it both ways that you accept just about anyone and still be in charge over your own stream.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you do? &lt;em&gt;You set ground rules!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are entirely up to you, but as you know, what I'll suggest is perfectly fine to do in the streamer-lifestyle. It's also a very common thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want people to feel left out. So why not include them in your journey as a streamer? You could for example put the following in your bio (I'm assuming you stream on twitch). But more importantly, you can bring these rules up whenever the question to join you in a game comes up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Suggested set of ground rules:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Open your stream up for your followers once a week, on a set day like Saturday.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only people who are followers for longer than [fill in] amount of [weeks/months] can join.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;These are open for all who comply with the above, but ask them to refrain from:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Excessive swearing (or not at all)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No racism or hate speech&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be annoying to other people that are joining&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you break any of the above, you will be kicked and banned from future open sessions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Etc!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who watch streams will not be surprised by any of these rules. It is such a common practice, like I've said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, you also mention that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Surprisingly often, they are just looking for friends&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So why not open up a community [discord/teamspeak/...] for your following. So they can find some active members, who are also into what you're playing, when you are not hosting an open session. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now they can find people to play with over there. Later on, if your stream starts to take off you can make this a subscriber-only benefit and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you exclude nobody. You are still in control of your stream, and you give people the option to play with you once a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In closing, I'd like to add that you should stream for your fun. This is also the best way to attract an active following. Be your own self, have a good time. And be interactive with your followers in other ways as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16070" LastEditorUserId="6161" LastEditDate="2018-03-30T20:33:55.563" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T20:33:55.563" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12381" CreationDate="2018-03-30T15:29:18.323" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may want to try to vary the way you speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I speak and see people going into a routine (moving from eyes to mouth in a rhythm, which is normal), I usually try to do something which will make them break it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be shifting, slowing down, speaking faster, moving my hands, standing up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will notice in &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/UxVivkXUfdU?t=59s&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this documentary video&lt;/a&gt; (from The IT Crowd) how Denholm put a dynamics in the team's behaviour by acting in an unusual way. I would not recommend that approach, though, as it is hardly reproductible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: the first three paragraphs are the actual answer, the last one I could not resist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T15:29:18.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12572" CreationDate="2018-03-30T16:05:08.110" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are a man, you may benefit him greatly by reaching out.  Find a way to do so where he's comfortable, and find real ways to benefit him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are a woman, you must acknowledge that a man's marriage problems are off-limits to a woman who could potentially become his lover.  From this basis, if you care about him and his marriage, approach his wife in private and express your concern to her, and focus on &lt;em&gt;helping her help him&lt;/em&gt; in a respectful way.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's what you think, still please don't say, &quot;he threw a bunch of games to me; I think he's in love with me&quot; because that won't help his wife.  Instead, say &quot;I noticed from his playing style that something has changed, he seems distracted, his skills aren't as sharp as they used to be... he seems really stressed-out lately.&quot;  Then you can talk about it as the wife's direct friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on his marriage situation, you may need to refrain from letting him know about your concern entirely and act as a 100% covert benefactor, in the case that getting close with him would undermine the wife's relationship with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T16:05:08.110" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12560" CreationDate="2018-03-30T18:24:03.133" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of this depends on the relationship you have with your juniors.  I'll approach this from the US perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your relationship is based solely on power, then there may not be a lot of respect there.  That makes it harder to make the scolding be effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume you can't assign discipline to the juniors (back in grade school, it was clapping out erasers.  You'd go outside and clap erasers to clean the chalk dust out.  It was dusty, dry, and not pleasant.  No one does that any more...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd start by focusing on one thing.  Pick the most egregious one and deal with that.  Compare it to something relevant that really matters to them.  &quot;Adults act more politely with others than you are right now.  I'm, quite frankly, disappointed in this.&quot;  &quot;How often do you see [famous person that they idolize] in the news for acting like this?  Sure, they may do it once in a while, but not all the time - which is what I see here.  I just don't imagine this happening with him/her.&quot;  &quot;You would talk to your mother that way?  Really?&quot;  That may make the issue relatable to them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T18:24:03.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-03-30T18:27:43.777" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Possibly Ultimate Method:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alcohol and cake usually signals the end or near the end of the meal time. So maybe you could just leave the party or whatever it is or disappear momentarily until after &quot;cake time&quot; is over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Small tactics To avoid giving an excuse try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Take the cake or drink, but don't actually eat drink. It avoids confrontation by just going with it. However, you may know have to take some additional measures to make they won't start harassing you for not eating it. You may have to secretly throw it out when they aren't watching. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Avoid these people around the moments you think they will harass you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Tell them something like &quot;maybe in a bit&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16084" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T18:27:43.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12572" CreationDate="2018-03-30T19:12:52.860" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My take on the situation..the guy is kind of a jackass.  He announced divorce as a bluff, and when his wife outfaced him, he backed down.  My guess is whatever made him want to announce divorce last year wasn't fixed, and he's thinking of breaking up again, or cheating.  And he prepares the ground by letting you win games against him.  Either he wants to cheat with you, or he is trying to get you on his side when a break up happens.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever's happening in the marriage, there is almost nothing you can do, you don't know nearly enough.  It's between them.   If you want to offer someone emotional support, ask the wife if she wants to talk, not the husband.  I don't think the husband is being straight with anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastEditorUserId="10208" LastEditDate="2018-03-30T19:24:52.647" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T19:24:52.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12464" CreationDate="2018-03-30T20:02:01.943" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am Italian (northern Italy) and honestly here I don't see dancing at wedding parties being so important... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, it's not so clear either if the plan is having you alone on the &quot;stage&quot; dancing in front of everyone or you will dance together with a group of people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure I would be uncomfortable as well if I had to dance all alone. But if you are in a large group of people, all of them dancing, it wouldn't be the same. I doubt that everybody will be professional dancers... Maybe someone dances worse than you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, if the bride is a good friend, you should talk openly and honestly to her. Tell her about how you would feel uncomfortable dancing in public and probably she will understand. At least if she is a real friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was my wedding, and one of my friends would come to me saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really feel bad doing this or that at your wedding, can I avoid&#xA;  doing that and just sit at the table?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would understand. They are my guests, I want them to enjoy my big day as much as I would do. And I'm not the only Italian thinking this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10527" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T20:02:01.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12591" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12599" CreationDate="2018-03-30T20:20:29.677" Score="4" ViewCount="652" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have tried to find similar topic with no luck. Maybe I just don't know the right keywords to ask. So if there is already an answer to this question I am sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I had a long time friend. We could talk hours about everything and nothing. Then I switched cities for university and we got out of touch. After some five-ish years I got to meet him again while visiting my hometown, we went for a board game session and talked some. The thing is, he looks extinguished. He lost his physical condition, is stuck in a job he apparently hates and uses board games as a last holdout for a semblance of a self-esteem. I know his situation quite well as I have been through something similar myself - took me dropping out from the Uni to wake up.(simplified version)&#xA;The thing is he used to be the &quot;brighter&quot; of us. He is few years older so he was the driving force behind a lot of stuff we did. I used to look up to him. He used to be handsome. Now he looks like a nightmare. A shadow of his former self.(He wasnt perfect though. Took me a while to figure that out back then.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Is it possible to &quot;rekindle&quot; someone? Do I have the right to try?&#xA;He seems to be semi-comfortably rotting away and I have no education in fixing people. Just some observations from my own case. Maybe the correct solution would be to let him be and hope for the best. But somehow it pains me to see him in this state.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a sidenote he is not the only person with this disposition that I have met. Sometimes you see it written in the face and in the behaviour. I do not want to become Amelie from Montmartre though. Neither can I take responsibility for someone elses life...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16088" LastActivityDate="2018-04-01T19:21:21.857" Title="Is it possible to rekindle someone who lost his spark?" Tags="&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12592" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-30T20:45:00.170" Score="-1" ViewCount="1338" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 25 and have a huge crush on this girl who is 29. We were working in the same office and were casual friends. I guess she also likes me as I noticed her staring me several times. Also, she was the first to initiate the conversation most of the times when we met in the office (I am a bit of shy &amp;amp; introvert type). Also, when once we were passing by each other through the office corridor, I just walked straight without making an eye contact with her because of my nervousness, she followed me couple of steps and asked me why just I passed by without greeting or saying anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, because of these reasons I felt there are chances she also likes me. So, once I casually asked her reason for staring, she got tensed and said there is nothing like that and I'm like her younger brother. But I think, she said this in stress because she might have thought I was complaining and I'm younger than her. But I'm not sure about this. Because she asked if there is any gossip of her staring me in the office. She seemed very much worried about that. But there was really nothing like that. I told her. But she did not seemed convinced and I feel she believed about the gossip which never happened. I’m from India and most of the people here are not open minded about such things. They consider the people in love, relationship as spoiled and mock at them. So, because of this, I understand her tension if she believed about the gossip. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the question about staring have freaked her out. I agree that was a damn stupid approach. I regret that. But I had no intention of hurting her and was expecting a positive response from her on that question. I have said sorry to her if I have hurt her and told her that I was just kidding, and she said it is OK and have forgotten about that. But still she seemed tensed to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She had left our work place around two months ago (for better job opportunities) only making my chances to approach her difficult as hell. Her memories haunts me every single day since she left. She doesn’t have profile on any social media either. She can be contacted only through phone. I have got her phone number from her friend after she left. But contacting her on phone seems somewhat awkward to me because of the weird scenario happened and the fact that I did not got her phone number directly from her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad works as life insurance adviser and sells life insurance policies, so on her last day I asked her whether she has any requirement of life insurance. She said she had not decided about insurance that time. Now I am planning to text her if she has decided anything on insurance. Will this be a right approach? If she says yes to that I will have chance to meet her at least one time on that purpose. But what if, if she says no to that? How do I initiate conversation/message on phone that will not make her awkward if possible? This time I want to keep communication as natural as possible and do want to sound desperate and not scare or hurt her anymore. Any advice on this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is not having the same feelings as me, I at least want to be friend with her for a long time, for always. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16085" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-04-09T18:22:55.317" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T18:22:55.317" Title="Help required for approaching a crush after awkward scenario" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-03-31T06:12:28.870" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12591" CreationDate="2018-03-30T20:50:23.467" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're going to go into it with the idea of &lt;em&gt;&quot;fixing&quot;&lt;/em&gt; him or &lt;em&gt;&quot;taking responsibility for his life&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, then don't do it. He might not actually have any serious problems (we all lose/gain weight and have bad hair days/bad days at work), and you assuming he does have a serious problem and trying to fix it is only going to make the two of you become more distant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; did something horrible that caused the two of you to lose contact, then I don't see why you wouldn't have the 'right' to want to be their friend again. Friendships grow and shrink all the time. You don't only have &lt;strong&gt;one chance&lt;/strong&gt; to be someone's friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My advice&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're that concerned by what you've &lt;strong&gt;seen&lt;/strong&gt; (it appears you're basing all this mostly on how he physically looks), then talk to him. Ask about his work and what aspect(s) of it are giving him trouble, and see if he opens up more after that. It would probably be easiest to have this conversation over a board game he enjoys. That way you can spend some extra time getting him comfortable with your presence again, and if he doesn't want to talk about it, there doesn't have to be any awkward silence. Simply keep playing the game. If he wants to take up your offer of talking, then he will. If not, don't push it. Play a few more games and simply try being his friend again, and let the rest come naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8878" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T20:50:23.467" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12491" CreationDate="2018-03-30T20:53:52.023" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say, start before the visit. In the phone conversations, talk about your personal skills in this area and see how she responds. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not expect to share a bed or any intimacy with a friend... Especially when I am looking for a safe stay (saves money). This would need to be established prior to her coming to stay with you. She likely wanted to be with the group of friends (initial intent for the trip) but when everyone cancelled, she still wants to see the city and have a vacation experience on her own. This doesn't show any interest in you; just that she trusts you as a friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the US, when a girl uses words like &quot;good friend&quot;, &quot;home boy&quot;, etc., she is being clear that this will not progress beyond friendship. If she says 'best friend' there is a slight (very slight) opening. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll have to show your interest in her by asking her about her life and things that concern her or make her happy... show that you care. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But for only sex, go back to the first part of this answer. Need to be flirty before the trip. Gauge her responses according to some of the other decent posts here. Does she laugh or does she seem uncomfortable? Does she respond with her skills in this area? ... that type of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16090" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T20:53:52.023" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12571" CreationDate="2018-03-30T21:06:29.203" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Establish a policy, that way there is a process and protocol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example 1: (no requests) &quot;I don't take requests to play at this time. This is for many reasons, and to decrease noise in my channel. When I do play with another person I extend the opportunity based on nothing.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example 2: (yes requests) &quot;I sometimes choose a person to play with, I do this based on mood and whim only. If you would like to be considered {establish noiseless way for them to raise their hand figuratively}, when I choose people in this pool will be considered.&quot; You could have an email alias that goes to a folder, some sort of chat flag, idk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of those options are polite, but explicit about the &quot;don't just ask me, while I'm doing something else, and break the flow, get out of here with that stuff&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15774" LastActivityDate="2018-03-30T21:06:29.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12592" CreationDate="2018-03-30T22:56:32.413" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now I am planning to text her if she has decided anything on insurance. Will this be a right approach?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's......... creative. You're overthinking this. Why not try something simple instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, I'm Steve from work, what are you up to?&quot; or &quot;wanna catch up&quot; or meet up or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she wants to talk to you, what you say doesn't really matter that much, as long as you don't shoot yourself in the foot by crafting an elaborate plan like your insurance thing, you're not crafting a trap to catch a mythical and elusive fairytale beast, just tell her you want to have some coffee, goddammit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she isn't interested in talking to you, what you say doesn't really matter, either she won't reply or she'll say no, and that's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, have a look &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/11009/2135&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; and read Tinkeringbell's answer, which is a wonderful opportunity to remember that just because a woman was nice to you, doesn't mean she wants to get into your pants. Maybe she was just being nice? Don't let that stop you from asking her out if she gives signs of attraction, but please don't write a three-page love poem just because she bumped into you in the corridor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't put pressure on her (as in, imply you'll be very sad if she says no) or raise the stakes (by reserving in an expensive restaurant before you know she's interested) and don't say stuff that makes you sound obsessed like &quot;I've been thinking about you non-stop for two months&quot; in the first message! Save these for the third date or something. Opening the conversation with that would be a bit..... creepy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing wrong with &quot;what are you up to, wanna catch up and have a drink?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I wanted to show an example of what not to do, but the image apparently offended some sensitivities. If you want to see how  NiceGuy Brad from reddit (where else!) gets rejected, check the previous revision of this post, and do the opposite. ie, if she says no, reply &quot;okay, bye!&quot;, and definitely not a two-page rant about how unfair life is (and it's all her fault).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-03-31T09:34:59.817" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T09:34:59.817" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12597" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-31T00:55:52.187" Score="8" ViewCount="833" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems that there are a certain group of people who would like to chat with you, whilst you are using the bathroom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can feel quite invasive and just down right awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Responses, in general, seem out of the question over pure silence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get people to stop talking to me while I’m using the bathroom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="461" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-01T18:01:21.023" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T14:16:14.337" Title="How to stop people talking to you while using the bathroom" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12592" CreationDate="2018-03-31T01:09:06.133" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to refer you to a couple other questions you should read that relate to your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12310/gift-giving-avoidance-when-individual-has-been-avoiding-me&quot;&gt;Gift giving avoidance when individual has been avoiding me&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10102/how-to-contact-a-girl-whose-number-i-got-from-somebody-else&quot;&gt;How to contact a girl whose number I got from somebody else?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Any advice on this?&#xA;  What can be her true feelings or how can I know about them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems to be your questions are framed in how do I approach her, and some scheme about asking her about life insurance. Your way over thinking here, it is what us shy introverted people do because we fear a negative outcome. Which keeps us from getting to the occasional positive result. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice here is move forward and do not worry about the outcome. Make that call and ask her out, don't make any excuses for the call just give her the honest reason for the call. You have missed her since she left work and would like to take her out. (note: there is no life insurance in that statement of intent)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply bite the bullet with your fears and move forward and handle the outcome when the outcome becomes real instead of products of fantasy and fear. Move forward and these problems you have posted about will not be problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What her true feelings are you will have no way of knowing until you make the call. Rather your rejected totally, end up with a friend or a significant other, you just cant know until you fulfill a little destiny, and you cant fulfill destiny until you move forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T01:09:06.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12591" CreationDate="2018-03-31T01:19:57.263" Score="8" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Please do try to rekindle him.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would trying to rekindle his lost spark qualify as not minding your own business? Of course it would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be a negative thing? &lt;strong&gt;Absolutely not.&lt;/strong&gt; Let me explain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many times we are told to mind our own business, to not interfere with the choices of people etc. This is all true. But this approach to life also allows us not to get our hands dirty with closer relationships. Close relationships are filled with the responsibility of the consequence of our actions on the other person. If I see a friend acting in a strange way (for instance, he looks dull and sad), I can choose to intervene or not. The intervention comes with the risk of failing, of being wrong, of being perceived as nosy... The not-intervention, on the other hand, doesn't carry any risk, it's a disengagement. This is the safer option. But, in my opinion, relationships are built on the moments in which we decide to engage, to expose ourselves to risk, to go out of our way for the other person. What do you remember, that day when a person tiptoed around your pain or that another one in which a friend told you &quot;Come on, you're not ok, now let's go grab a beer and you will tell me what's wrong&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry for this introductory paragraph, but I felt it was needed. Now I will step down from my soapbox and I'll give you some practical advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rekindling the spark of a person is a difficult task. It can be broken down in some bits:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make the person aware that he lost their spark. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make the person aware of what caused the loss of his spark. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Help the person build a plan to rekindle it. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Help the person follow through the plan. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Make the person aware that he lost his spark.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In his &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Tale_of_the_Unknown_Island&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Tale of the Unknown Island&lt;/a&gt;&quot;, José Saramago says: &quot;You have to leave the island in order to see the island&quot;. That is, no one recognises their current situation until they can step out of it. For this reason, I'd suggest you to &lt;strong&gt;engage in a long(ish) activity with him&lt;/strong&gt;, preferably one that the two of you used to do with great enthusiasm. It can be a one-day hike, a short trip to a nearby city, a tour in the archaeological site in the city center... I'd recommend an outdoor activity. The farther from his everyday life, the better. If he's trapped in a dull routine, it will be beneficial for him. Moreover, the two of you can directly compare his current behaviour to the one he used to have in such situations (or his behavior in a nice activity vs the one in his routine) and recognise if it has significantly changed. If you see a very different behaviour and he seems unaware of it, you can speak up your concern. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you remember that time when we kayaked our way from Washington DC to Chicago? Without your energy, I'd have been stuck after ten minutes. How is it that you can't manage to cross the river, now? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he makes up some excuse, push the subject some more. There is not an universal recipe about the amount of pushing to do: some people are very sensitive and fragile, so some subtle hints will do, while others are completely blind to reality, so you may want to opt for a more intense approach. Keep in mind that the realization itself may be a shock and that several activities of this kind might be necessary in order for him to recognise his novel dullness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Make the person aware of what caused the loss of his spark.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This step can start the same day of #1, but it will take a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of time to finish. It consists most of dialogue and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;active listening&lt;/a&gt;. It's probably going to be very long and intense for him. If you can trigger in him the desire of reflecting on himself and to investigate the root cause of things, it's already a great thing. It's already a small spark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't know what the cause is right now, so I can't really suggest you anything specific. Maybe he even knows already the cause of his dullness (a family grievance? His girlfriend left him with his best friend?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Help the person build a plan to rekindle it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, what practical things he can do to improve his situation? Even better, what &lt;em&gt;perspective&lt;/em&gt; on life can he have to not perceive his situation ad hopeless  / depressing? What point of view did he gradually abandon during the past years? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Help the person follow through the plan.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he has identified the approaches to follow to have a sparkling life again, your role is to &lt;em&gt;just be there&lt;/em&gt;. Applaud his successes, acknowledge when he is full of energy...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now some quick and general notes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. You cannot &quot;save&quot; him nor &quot;fix&quot; him.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not a knight nor a saviour and he's not a damsel in distress. That is, do not put yourself above him. You have your set of problems, he has his. You don't go and approach him because you're &quot;healthy&quot; and he's not. What is needed is &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;empathy and not sympathy&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Your solution is wrong.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you come up with the best solution ever, it will be inherently wrong, because so far it's &lt;em&gt;only yours&lt;/em&gt;. He needs &lt;strong&gt;his solution, not yours&lt;/strong&gt;. So in order for your solution to be effective, he has to accept and digest it. A good suggestion from you will come with some hint on how to digest it. That is, a good suggestion is always a personal one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T01:19:57.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12505" CreationDate="2018-03-31T03:36:45.540" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking women don't like confrontation and seek to avoid it. It's natural to be angry and unsatisfied at such a violation of your personal space and the level of respect she has for you. That's your bed. In your room. Tell her exactly how it is, that you don't appreciate her showing that kind of disrespect and completely disregarding how you feel about coming home to find that you have no where to sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You put up with so much with what she wants SACRIFICING your own time and energy, both at the expense of YOUR HAPPINESS. Not only is she not apologetic she doesn't even consider you to be someone to be worth thinking about by leaving you nowhere to sleep when you get home. It's not your job to be pushing people up and out of your bed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is not your friend. She is not even a decent person. So don't be afraid of her. Either you move out somewhere nicer by finding someone in your university or anyone familiar who would be interested moving in to a new place or she packs her bags and finds a new place to live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not compatible. Don't adapt to her reckless behaviour because your future is much brighter than hers will ever be. Find someone nice who compliments you and makes you be the best version of yourself. You'll lead a much happier life if you stand up for yourself and find someone to live with who aligns more with who you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You deserve it so don't be scared to defend yourself. Confront her and as she'll likely be offended and unwilling to change or understand where you are coming from so in your times away from her look for another places to live; with someone who compliments you or replace her if you're able to kick her out once you've found someone who's more suitable for you and shares your values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16096" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2018-04-07T03:52:29.170" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T03:52:29.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12597" CreationDate="2018-03-31T03:37:09.820" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I say something on the lines of &quot;Hey, let me come out of this stall and then we'll talk&quot;. If someone asks me why, I tell them I find it odd to talk that way and they don't bother me any longer. I had a colleague who used to have all kinds of phone conversations from bathroom - she'd talk to her family, friends, even give interviews while on the toilet seat. I used to find that gross but I guess, to each their own. So if you don't like it, just ask them to wait till you come out of the bathroom - most people understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-04-01T23:19:51.177" LastActivityDate="2018-04-01T23:19:51.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12603" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-31T03:44:23.247" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't necessarily mean verbally asking a question.  As you hold the door, look her in the eye and see what she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some women like having the door held.&lt;BR&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some would prefer you just go through, and not slow down the pace of travel much.  Although, she will generally appreciate an actin such as pushing the just slightly before she arrives, so that hopefully she doesn't need to touch it at all, and if so then it's just a slight convenient bump rather than a more significant effort on her part.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some women may change their desires, and so checking repeatedly and responding to their answer (which, again, may include some hand gesturing or simply facial expressions or eyelid movements) can be the method to achieve the greatest possible successes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't assume that one rule works best for all women, and it can even be true that one approach won't consistently be the preference of even just one woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T03:44:23.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12604" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-31T04:06:09.697" Score="8" ViewCount="3328" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a large shared house. I had to move out of my old home on short notice and as such my new one isn't really a good fit but I'm trying to make the best of it until I leave. The house is rented out by a company that has the business model of renting to 'international people' (e.g. people on working visas and international students). This is totally illegal as it's discrimination against locals, but that's not the point of this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live with 10 other people (more if you count their boy/girlfriends who sometimes stay over). Many aren't good with English but the ones who are still don't seem to speak it. There are subgroups, a few from France who speak French, a few from Hungary who speak Hungarian etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't think it would bother me but I do feel uncomfortable when I'm in the same room and people have huge conversations right in front of me in a different language. And sometimes they're listening to music on the radio in a different language, or Skyping in a different language too. This is in shared areas like the kitchen where I'm forced to be around them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After giving it some thought, one of the reasons I don't feel comfortable with this is because if I want to say something to them, I'm not sure if it's an appropriate time to interrupt (for example I wouldn't want to interrupt when they're disusing e.g. going to a funeral).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely ask them to speak in English, or at least try to? I'm really ok if they sometimes speak in another language but if we're all sitting at the same table and they're having a lengthy conversation in another language that's when I feel uncomfortable. I notice that people from Czech Republic do this the most even though their English is quite fluent (is it a cultural thing like it's considered 'low class to speak English'?). Should I ask them individually or should I leave a note or send a message by text? What words should I use? I was thinking something like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, when you're around me do you think we can stick with English if it's not inconvenient? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also whenever someone walks into a room with other people  in it, everyone says &quot;hello&quot; in English to each individual person and then everyone switches back to their own language. I find this annoying as if we're not going to say anything more than &quot;hello&quot; then we may as well not say &quot;hello&quot;. Is there a way I can politely suggest this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only speak English, but the country we live in is dominantly English and that is the official language. All roommates speak some English and it's the only common language. I can't overemphasize that things feel uncomfortable and there's a bit of a culture clash (for example I share the bathroom with someone who stands out side the door waiting for it to become empty, but that's a question for another time ;) )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to make clear I'm not trying to be prejudiced and realize it's hard to speak a new language. But I think everyone would get along better if we communicated more. Responding to one comment &quot;But asking them to speak English as default won't win you friendship points, that is certain&quot; consider the opposite: we're not on friendly terms now as no one speaks to each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they already are speaking another language when I enter the room, I get that. I find it more rude when I'm speaking to someone and someone else enters the room and they switch to speaking a language I don't understand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when I am trying to have a conversation with them they switch back to a language I don't understand and have a private conversation in the middle. Also I sometimes get the impression what they're saying does involve me, like wondering if I'm using the oven or pointing at the table I'm sitting at. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastEditorDisplayName="user16097" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T20:43:47.270" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T19:36:21.773" Title="How to get roommates to speak same language" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;language&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12592" CreationDate="2018-03-31T04:28:51.543" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Staring at someone is a common thing but asking the person about it would be a confrontation and undoubtedly, your crush felt real awkward about it. You regret it but she doesn't see it that way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you take a step forward, you wouldn't know how she feels about you. Do not talk about that insurance thing, ever. If she wants one, she'll approach you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just call her up, but do not talk about those awkward moments or insurance thing. Tell her that, if given a chance, you would like to start it over again. If you are not comfortable saying it, just say that you want to meet over a cup of coffee. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, being confident is the key here. Be prepared for the outcomes and have a clarity about how you want to talk to her. Rehearse, a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T04:28:51.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12606" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-03-31T06:11:41.800" Score="2" ViewCount="1350" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a casual part time retail employee in Australia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work there once or twice a week, more on holidays (I am in high school). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I occasionally see this girl there. We don't really know each-other, but I'd like to ask her out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The internet suggests don't do this in workplace. However, my situation's different as we're both casual employees. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree that it could be a little awkward if she says no, but the company is large enough that I never have to work closely with any one person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thoughts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16100" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-03-31T13:32:19.680" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T18:45:30.697" Title="Ask coworker out on casual retail job" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12606" CreationDate="2018-03-31T06:32:22.513" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't ask her out.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing so will jeopardize &lt;em&gt;not only&lt;/em&gt; your safety on the job but also your colleague's safety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll expand on my answer in the context of a real-life example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen this happen recently, at a nearby store that I go to often for food.  At this store, everyone is on part-time shifts.  But when one male part-time worker started to hit on a female colleague, the rumor spread like wildfire, and soon, &lt;strong&gt;every part-time female worker and the owner of the store&lt;/strong&gt; became aware of the creepy, persistent male colleague.  The owner then reduced his shifts and work hours considerably - just short of firing him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I'm very close friends with the owner, who kept me updated on the situation.)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can see from this example, it's very risky, and the damage could be irreversible - you might have to leave your job, at a minimum, if things don't work out and drama ensues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's best to make romantic connections with people outside of your job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-03-31T07:12:06.003" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T07:12:06.003" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12604" CreationDate="2018-03-31T06:48:31.053" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in that exact situation years ago. 38 different nationalities at the same time, at least 30 different languages. Rooms of 2 or 4. Shared dining-room and break room. English was the official language, with customers and between employees. While at work, no problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How did we manage to talk/share outside of work?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, actually, I (we) found out that, while eveybody was minding his own &lt;em&gt;personal&lt;/em&gt; business (like talking to friends, calling family, watching movies, reading...), the mother tongue was the one. And we never ever bothered to interrupt, because, as you mentioned: &lt;em&gt;I'm not sure if it's an appropriate time to interrupt&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we were sharing something, we used to speak English, of course, because otherwise, no one could understand the other party :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I (think I) understood was that using your own language was a fence you chose to put between you and others. For wathever reason. I respected that, and never asked. Because anytime people would come to you or want you to come to them, they would use English. So, yes, sometimes, you'll feel like left alone, yes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to get roommates to speak same language?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to my 4.5 years experience in that situation, I'd say: &lt;strong&gt;you can't... Unless they want to&lt;/strong&gt; :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I did, like many others, was simply &lt;em&gt;to be nice&lt;/em&gt;, while working, &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; after work. This way, you let people know who you are, how you behave, what you like or don't like. If they enjoy you being around, you'll see that they enjoy talking to you too, share with you, and that English is not a problem anymore :) So, give them a chance to know you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, I discovered: American, Indian, Indonesian, South-American, Polish, Jamaican cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want them to speak the same language? Don't try to enforce any policy or rule. Be nice, and it starts at work, while working together as a team, a team that may sometimes be extended outside of work. But you have to acknowledge that, outside of work, people like to have time for themselves. And relax, and mind their own business. Hence, the fence...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;em&gt;never trust the French&lt;/em&gt; :) (see link below)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;As pointed out by LinuxBlanket in their answer and OP (&lt;em&gt;there's a bit of a culture clash&lt;/em&gt;), with it comes to gather people together in the same room, there are some cultural differences to take into account, and mixing up all these differences can be difficult. I'd like to share this &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.nationalstereotype.com/you-are-not-your-country-top-10-national-stereotypes/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;National Stereotypes For Foreigners&lt;/a&gt; because it's not only funny, but can be helpful too, even if not totally related to the question, it may help understand why, sometimes, it's not so easy.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-03-31T10:38:05.623" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T10:38:05.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12606" CreationDate="2018-03-31T08:25:28.600" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask her out for something casual maybe? Don't go all creepy with flowers and a dinner date, but try something simple. &#xA;Do you ever finish shifts at the same time? Ask her if she'd like to grab a burger with you.&#xA;Have a quick break? Invite her along for a coffee.&#xA;Or just simply be nice at work: help her do stuff, smile at her, ask how her day is :)&#xA;If you spend time with her you'll see whether or not she likes you. Then, maybe at the 5th coffee together, ask her out properly for a dinner.&#xA;The key is taking it slow, so that you won't make her feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16021" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T08:25:28.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12604" CreationDate="2018-03-31T08:36:34.487" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a foreigner myself, I can say that it is truly very awkward to converse in English wothy Hungarian friends and this is often the reason we don't invite other nationals over (and trust me, I'm not the antisocial one, it just is this way). Speaking fluently does not equal expressing yourself with ease and enjoyment. &#xA;If they speak their language they are fully aware you can join and maybe don't mind it. It's their right. &#xA;If you'd like to join, tell them something interesting and maybe they involve you in the discussion and swap to English.&#xA;But asking them to speak English as default won't win you friendship points, that is certain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16021" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T08:36:34.487" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12604" CreationDate="2018-03-31T09:04:45.490" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in your situation when I was in Erasmus in France. I used to hang out with this large group of Spanish people. They were all very nice, easy-going, open, and almost all of them spoke an &lt;em&gt;excellent&lt;/em&gt; French and a high-level English. They liked the non-Spanish-speaking people a lot (that is, an English guy, a French one, an Italian and me, Italian as well), we got along very well and when speaking with them one-on-one we could talk about everything. Despite that, when we were all together, they would end up speaking Spanish at full speed. You just &lt;em&gt;can't help&lt;/em&gt; talking in your mother tongue if you're in a group of 15+ people from your country plus two or three guys from random countries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I wanted to join their discussions, I asked somebody what was that about, and if I got an answer such as &quot;I'm saying X and Juan is saying Y instead&quot; I would tell loudly Juan &quot;Juan! Why do you think Y?&quot;, making everybody notice that I wanted to take part to the conversation. Another approach I used is to stay close to them, nod intently when somebody else nodded, protest when somebody protested, intervene with the words I knew in that language (&quot;Exacto!&quot;) etc, so that it looked like I was actively participating to the conversation even if everybody knew I didn't understand a word. They would soon start laughing and switched to English or French instead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, except for the English guy, we ended up learning Spanish. The Spanish guys were the kindest and the more encouraging teachers. Not only that: since we were making efforts to communicate with them, they were keener to step from Spanish to another common language or to mix the two/three of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to sum up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You won't be able to make them stop speaking their mother tongue.&lt;/strong&gt; You're not even entitled to ask it &quot;officially&quot; (see the note below), so don't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you want to join the conversation, don't be afraid of interrupting them. They know that you can't speak their language, they will be glad to meet your needs.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;...but, if you don't want to join them, just let them be.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Regarding sharing the table for the meals:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not really nice to speak only to some people at the same table, even more so if you don't even share the same language. This creates a barrier, which can be intentional (they want to talk about their own business) or not (they don't speak English fluently / they are too tired or lazy to do it). I think this can be overcome by &lt;strong&gt;initiating conversations that can engage all the people at the table&lt;/strong&gt;. As soon as you and the other people sit down, start talking by taking interest in them. Ask them what they're eating, what they did during the day etc, just small talk. Offer them some of your food to taste. In short, be extra nice and open to chat even if they just spent two hours discussing in Hungarian. When there is a culture clash, extra patience and niceness is required in order not to misunderstand and/or misjudge other people's behaviours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be the person they want to respect and speak to. After all, why would they switch language for &quot;the silent and gloomy guy that doesn't talk either way&quot;? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the underlying message here is not &quot;hey you, speak my language because I don't understand your language&quot;, but &quot;hey let's all speak English so that we can all exchange our ideas about [soccer/grandmas/penguins]&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A small note. I've been both on the giving and the receiving end of this behaviour, so I can give you some insight on it and help you step in their shoes a bit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Speaking another language is &lt;em&gt;tiring as hell&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt; Words are different, the syntax is different, the pronounciation is tricky. Forget about understanding puns, let alone making them. You will need to paraphrase every complex thoughts and they will inevitably sound shallower than they were supposed to be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I only speak English, but the country we live in is dominantly English and that is the official language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So what?&lt;/strong&gt; In that moment, the kitchen is predominantly French-speaking, or Hungarian-speaking, or whatever. Those are people that spent their whole day making efforts just to communicate the most menial things and now they're finally at home. Let them relax. Also, it feels &lt;em&gt;very unnatural&lt;/em&gt; to speak another language with somebody from your home country, especially if the reason not to do it is that there's another guy sitting on the sofa or passing by to take some salt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes they're listening to music on the radio in a different language, or Skyping in a different language too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why should listening to music in their language be a bad thing? Music is often called &quot;the universal language&quot; for a reason, it is enjoyable even if you don't understand the words. (Which, incidentally, is exactly the condition of &lt;em&gt;every non-English speaking country.&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding Skyping in another language... I'm afraid I don't get it. Do you want them to speak with their mother from Toulouse or the Balaton lake in English? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you meet them, please consider these things. Forgive them if they speak a language you don't understand: they face more or less the same situation all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-04-01T23:28:04.837" LastActivityDate="2018-04-01T23:28:04.837" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12614" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12617" CreationDate="2018-03-31T12:34:19.453" Score="6" ViewCount="638" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, my best friend and I haven't been in touch for the past few months; and I realised something was wrong only when she stopped talking - leaving me out of her life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that we've reconciled, and are on good terms - I still don't know what really happened? Who'd know what happened, if she suddenly just stopped talking without any red flags? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if it's my fault, or something that she just doesn't want to talk about; she didn't really say anything yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering the fact that she's a little (very, very little) immature and has a loose temper, how do I approach her about this? Should I ask her, or not? &#xA;Of course, it is something that bothers me. Given the fact that she hasn't really said anything about it yet, I'm not sure what to do. Is it just some chapter buried in the past or does it deserve to be explored? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please help me out here, I'm super confused. I don't even know how to bring it up, if I have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13714" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-04-01T23:43:16.320" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T00:24:06.853" Title="Talking to best friend after a little fight" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12615" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12571" CreationDate="2018-03-31T12:41:30.993" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no need to overthink this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it. As always, giving excuses/reasons (true or otherwise) only opens you up to counter-proposals or attempts to defend against the excuses/reasons (&quot;you say you haven't got time but I only need one hour a week!&quot;) when in truth you are simply not interested at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could add more words in an attempt to protect their &quot;feelings&quot;, but as you said yourself these are &lt;em&gt;randoms&lt;/em&gt; that you know nothing about. Attempting to protect the &quot;feelings&quot; of someone you know nothing about is a fool's quest &amp;mdash; you will never be able to get it right. So don't even try. You don't owe them anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In practice, I wouldn't expect anyone to be &quot;upset&quot; by this approach anyway. They will simply go &quot;oh well&quot; and move on to somebody else. Problem solved!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learning to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;just say no&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; (and learning that it is not inherently rude) is a key skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9314" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T12:41:30.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10750" CreationDate="2018-03-31T12:58:13.997" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Been there myself. My answer is, as soon as possible. I don't mean make a point of telling everyone you know; only if it comes up. Tell the truth about the situation but only if you feel comfortable doing so. You are not obliged to discuss personal matters with anyone. That's where this can become difficult; our human nature doesn't want us to upset anyone, and it certainly doesn't want people thinking less of us in any way. We seem to think there's a stigma to breakups. I'm sure there was way back when but my how things have changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't tell you what to say verbatim; I don't agree with that kind of hand-holding. This is a difficult situation you're going through and my heart goes out to you. But it's also an opportunity for growth. Fighting through that fear of saying the wrong thing will only make you stronger. Who cares if you say the wrong thing anyway? What is the wrong thing? Be straight with people in what you say, and you will enjoy, at the very least, the comfort of a clean conscience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I might add, with regard to the children; focus on them. I found it a great help to meet my obligations where they were concerned, make sure they were having their needs met, and make sure I was always there for them. Everything else just was just more manageable then. It is commendable that you consider your ex, as well as your children in this difficult time. More power to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11728" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T12:58:13.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12614" CreationDate="2018-03-31T13:11:05.610" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, a person can cut the communication with you because they found something you said or did offensive and instead of talking about that with you, they cut the communication just to be polite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possible reason is that when they said something they only want to share with you and you didn't pay attention (it happens). Now, they think that you are an ignorant person and that it's better to stop talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There could be more reasons, but I have listed the most common ones according to my experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, since you both have reconciled and are now at good terms, I'd say stop thinking about the reason, consider either confronting her or moving on because the more you think about it, longer it will stay in your mind and more likely it will jeopardize your friendship. Look for the subtle hints if she wants you to talk about it (As commented by @SandyC). If yes then talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you want to confront her, find the best time when you're both alone and try to let her know that you're sorry and confused about what exactly happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry if I came across in a rude or inappropriate way back then. I am still confused about what really happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should take whatever she responds in a positive way. If she says that she is over it and doesn't want to talk about that any longer, don't pressure her and move on. If she tells you the reason, see how you can improve yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-04-01T23:44:12.473" LastActivityDate="2018-04-01T23:44:12.473" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-31T15:48:39.007" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there is sufficient space behind/around the door that you can hold it without blocking your companion, you &lt;strong&gt;hold the door and let them pass&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are part of or followed by a long line of people entering, you &lt;strong&gt;pass through and hold the door open behind you&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of these are regardless of whether or not your companion is a personal partner, work colleague, etc. and regardless of gender, if you reach the door first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In my country of origin, Hungary, men should enter pubs and bars before their female companions, as opposed to holding the door for them. This is due to the assumption that pubs and bars can be dangerous and it would be impolite to let the lady enter first.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In areas where dangerous venues tend to be, one might be &lt;strong&gt;less&lt;/strong&gt; safe being the last one out on the street (where one can be more easily snatched up or assaulted by someone who's got a lot more room to run), so even that safety argument seems to go more in favor of letting the lady enter first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the UK/US, pubs and bars tend not to be such dangerous places.  If you have reason to believe the one you are about to enter is dangerous enough that this would matter, the modern common solution is to &lt;strong&gt;not enter&lt;/strong&gt; with a delicate companion, but to choose a different venue for your time.  There are, at least in theory, enough relatively safe places in those countries that men can take their female partners to venues where they expect their partner to have a good experience, or at least not a bad one.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially in inclement weather, there is a stronger etiquette argument for getting your partner inside first.  If this is an established pattern, it also helps minimize the time the door is held open, to keep the elements out from those already inside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2637" LastEditorUserId="2637" LastEditDate="2018-03-31T15:54:30.120" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T15:54:30.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12491" CreationDate="2018-03-31T19:03:50.700" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;So far I'm mostly seeing these answers by other users: (1) guides to romance and (2) words of advice concerning the ultimate priority of your being a good host. Both are these are extremely relevant. But I'm not sure if any answers touch upon the interplay between host and visitor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A priori, you don't know anything other than she trusts you with her personal safety and likes you enough as a personal acquaintance. &lt;strong&gt;Before assessing your romantic connection, gauge your host-visitor relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Does she want to spend time with you, or time in your region? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, are you simply providing a safe stay, or will you two be spending some/the majority/all of the time together? The time spent together will indicate her interest in you as a human, without which there's no reason to think there's an interest in you as a partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say she is interested in spending time engaging in activities with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is her focus on the activities, or does it shift to you? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you engage in conversation of a personal nature? Essentially, are you bonding? That would be a strong indicator of deeper interest. Do you notice any indicators of interest (as described by Rainbacon)? You can then follow the romantic advice as given in other answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How does she carry herself around your house?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This really depends on personality, but is she comfortable dressing down? Does she feel comfortable entering your room and personal spaces? Does she sit beside you on the couch, rug, etc... or away from you? How does she react if you close the space between you? Typically when receiving guest, tacit boundaries are drawn. That is, some might find it odd if you entered &quot;their&quot; room or sat next to &quot;their&quot; pillow if, say, they were sleeping on your couch. So, since you're cohabitating, is she receptive to your sharing personal zones? It'd be a good sign of her physical comfort around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, you are a host. Before moving into questions of romance, establish what kind of host she'd like you to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8357" LastEditorDisplayName="user8357" LastEditDate="2018-03-31T19:13:24.060" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T19:13:24.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12604" CreationDate="2018-03-31T19:08:25.123" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, you will never be able to force them to speak in English and it will be extremely impolite to ask them to speak in English when they are having a private conversation. The way it looks you are not even their friend yet, so do no push anything.&#xA;If you still want to interact with them, you should wait for the moment when they start laughing at something and ask in a good mood &quot;Come on guys, at least this joke you have to translate to me...&quot; this way you will be just entering in the fun part of the conversation and (maybe) start a friendship, before you all are friends is very unlikely from them to speak in their native language when they are next to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16114" LastEditorUserId="16114" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T19:36:21.773" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T19:36:21.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12621" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12528" CreationDate="2018-03-31T21:20:30.777" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many answers say what they find polite in US/UK contexts, with helpful reasoning. However, most do not directly address which form of courtesy you ought to use in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm from the U.S., and I'd never heard about the form of courtesy that a man enters a bar or restaurant first (though it is probably practiced in Western movies, if a couple goes into a rough saloon). &lt;em&gt;Without this knowledge of your culture&lt;/em&gt;, I would read the action as impolite, looking like the man was pushing ahead without regard for his companion. (As I read it, this would require the man to completely switch his attention away from the companion to external threats, and be squarely in front of her, cutting off whatever conversation they previously had. This, separate from any door-holding, seems objectionable &lt;em&gt;prima facie&lt;/em&gt;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are in a mixed context (in the U.S. or U.K., or with a woman from one of those cultures elsewhere), you could mention the Hungarian custom so your actions are properly understood. As you approach the door, you could tell your companion about this cultural difference, demonstrate going in the Hungarian way (perhaps, as a joke, being very serious looking around for danger), and while you eat and drink have a laugh about it and discuss what feels most polite to her. (Perhaps she'll volunteer that in the future she'll politely hold the door for you, then you can politely scout out the territory.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You may also get the answer that it feels patronizing to be &quot;protected&quot; in this way. Remember that when this situation comes up with this person again!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastEditorUserId="13415" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T01:21:49.927" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T01:21:49.927" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12622" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12591" CreationDate="2018-03-31T21:31:34.307" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've encountered this same problem in a longtime childhood friend that I've since grown apart from. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, he cut off most of the people in our circle and retreated into a mental &quot;cave&quot;, I didn't hear from him for a very long time. Many people were concerned about his well-being because he simply wouldn't respond to anyone's inquiry. We knew he had some issues with depression and was going through a very difficult time with the health of a dear family member. And like your friend, he was a bright, central figure in our circle. It was incredibly hard to watch him become a shell of his former self.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I don't believe there's a way for me to rekindle that person. Not that he can't be rekindled, but I belong to a part of his life that somehow became damaged, and his defense to whatever wound he suffered was to apply a tourniquet that I happened to be sitting beneath.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it might be the same with your friend. My initial issue was that I thought he was just spiraling down and down. In reality, he was coping in his own way and learning to re-invent himself, and ended up creating a life that I was no longer a part of and couldn't understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you think that you've possibly made some assumptions in the way you view your friend's situation? A few that I picked up on based on the way you worded your question (I could easily be wrong): &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He apparently hates his job&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Board games are a last holdout of self-esteem (does he truly have a self-esteem problem or does it just appear that way?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The experience you had dropping out of Uni is very similar to his current experience&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's rotting away&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would look at these assumptions and test them, if you're still in contact with him. Maybe you caught him in a bad week or month. If you aren't in contact with him, you could reach out and just spend time with him. Get to know this new version of him and find new ways to value him the way he is. It could be that if he doesn't value himself because he also misses the way he used to be, then he needs to realize what he is currently bringing to the table and lean into that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16117" LastEditorUserId="16117" LastEditDate="2018-03-31T22:51:38.693" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T22:51:38.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12606" CreationDate="2018-03-31T21:55:18.940" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is she also a high school student, about the same age, also a part time worker? Then I think this could be appropriate, and you're at the same &quot;place&quot; in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's why it might be a problem for your boss:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If your training or employee handbook forbids coworkers dating. Think back about whether this was part of your training. Maybe even ask your boss if there would be a problem with you asking out another employee.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you don't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer. If she says something like &quot;Maybe,&quot; then the ball is in her court to follow up--take it as a no, and you'll be pleasantly surprised if she does follow up. (See script below.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it causes &quot;drama&quot; somehow, like the coworker avoids you afterwards, or her ex is also working there, or you two end up making out all the time instead of working. If you're pretty good at focusing on your job, and so is your coworker, then there's probably a low chance of this being a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try a script like this:&#xA;&quot;Hey, I don't know what your work schedule's like, but would you like to go see [movie] with me on Friday night?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She might say yes, possibly with a counterproposal (&quot;already saw that, but we could see [other movie] on Saturday.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She might say, &quot;You mean like a date?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And you can say, &quot;Yes. I don't know you very well yet, but I would like to go on a date with you. No pressure to say yes -- I know it might be weird because we work together.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Or, she might say &quot;Maybe&quot; or &quot;I can't make it&quot; or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your response: &quot;Well, please let me know if you ever want to hang out. I wasn't sure whether to ask in the first place because we work together, and I know that might feel weird, so no pressure.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note about this script: when you bring up that it might be weird because you work together, this has 2 main functions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It convinces her that you know you should not be &quot;creepy&quot; about this and that you will respect what she wants.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It gives her a gentle way to decline if she's not interested.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can still legitimately say she doesn't want to date you as a coworker, as the main reason not to date you or as an excuse, even if she has dated a coworker in the past or if she does in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of dating a coworker as costing you something: for instance, it could be annoying or awkward if it doesn't work out or it might make your boss mad. So you should be a little more careful about asking out a coworker than someone you met in another way. (And you're thinking about that--that's why you asked the question!) The same is true for her, though. She might be willing to take a risk to date a coworker she has a huge crush on, but not to date someone she doesn't know well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-03-31T21:55:18.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12606" CreationDate="2018-04-01T05:58:36.880" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm the OP. I asked my coworker who's been there for six years this question, and he said it's a no-no during work hours, if you meet them at a party or something then go for it. He said he knows one or two relationships that have happened but its not something people do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16101" LastActivityDate="2018-04-01T05:58:36.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12627" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-01T10:23:30.537" Score="5" ViewCount="1065" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few months ago, I joined a chess academy which divides its members into groups of ten for the sake of coaching them efficiently. Mine had eight men and two women with ages ranging from twenty to forty. I became friends with one of these ladies who is married and has a two year old daughter. Most people in our course (including me) find her extremely attractive. Last week, the instructor organised a blitz chess tournament within our group. She and I were drawn to play each other in the league stage. Before the game, there was a bit of playful banter between us but at no point did I consider the outcome to be of any importance.&#xA;During the game, I played a good move which she appreciated. That somewhat charged me up and I pulled out my best game which she unfortunately couldn't match. She congratulated me quite warmly and declared that she was proud of me. There was nothing to suggest that she was upset. As luck would had it, we both won our remaining matches and qualified for the final round where we are slated to face each other again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is: She has started believing that I am the better chess player. I hate to see her low on self-belief. I am afraid she might lose tomorrow's game as well. How can I raise her spirits in case I win without feeling guilty myself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We share a platonic relationship. She seems to treat me almost like a child as she is much older.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am still  a student (Mathematics major) while she is a teacher (teaching biology).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16129" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-04-01T23:17:00.933" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T19:59:01.440" Title="How to win a game without hurting someone" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12628" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-01T10:49:34.947" Score="6" ViewCount="4062" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently went through a pretty rough break-up with a long term boyfriend. I've been feeling a little better about it recently and my friends have noticed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem comes in with one friend in particular. Let's say he's Bob. Bob recently confessed to me that he has been attracted to me for about two years now. We talked about it for a little bit and I explained (poorly) that I was still reeling from the break-up. We dropped the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note I don't want to be with this person in any capacity beyond a typical friendship. There's no reason for it other than I'm not attracted to him or interested in him in any way beyond the relationship we already have together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the confession, he's been trying to spend time with me one-on-one. Tonight, Bob asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him and I invited a friend to come along with us. It's important to note that the other person I invited is someone I'm very close with and previously had had a casual relationship with, but for many complicated reasons, is never someone I would end up dating seriously. He and I are very comfortable with each other and will often give each other long hugs and/or cuddle pretty openly. We've also kissed very briefly since the break-up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After dinner, the three of us leave and hang out in a common area for a little while. The third friend (a little bit drunk) is very close to me during this time and pulls me into hugs and leans his head on my shoulder and such. He then goes to bed and leaves Bob and I alone. Bob asks me why I'm so close with this third friend and why I've been going on so many dates with people from an online dating app I've been using. We have a bit of an indirect conversation about it, but it seems very awkward and I didn't give any satisfactory answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Towards the end of the night, he asks if I would want to lay down with him for a little bit, in a purely platonic way. I politely decline. He also keeps offering to let me sleep in his room because at this point it's past 4am and I still needed to drive home. I graciously decline these offers as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need a way to explain, directly and honestly, with my friend that I'm just not interested him as anything more. I want him to understand that I really, truly am still reeling from the break-up and that I'm not looking for anything real or serious. I'm using these other things as (admittedly poor) coping mechanisms and that's the extent of it. I'd also like to avoid discussing my relationship with the third friend if I can. I want Bob and myself to be able to be friends afterwards and still have the same relationship we've always had, but I don't want it to be awkward between us either. This whole situation is making the process of getting over the break-up a lot more difficult and making me feel really guilty over the whole thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16127" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T19:09:30.363" Title="Reject a close friend interested in dating me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12629" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12627" CreationDate="2018-04-01T11:35:58.317" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I wrote this answer when this question had the title &quot;Letting someone win a game?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; Then someone changed the title and the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't let her win!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people don't like to &quot;win&quot; because someone else lets them win. It feels like being cheated. And it feels like &quot;this guy must really think he does me a favor by letting me win&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;And people who play games and other players regularly know what moves another player does or doesn't do.&lt;/strong&gt; In this case: Maybe she would know that you let her win or at least she would guess that you let her win. &lt;strong&gt;That won't make her feel good.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many games there are options of a handicap. If you feel you are better than her offer her a handicap - and then try to win. Then the game is fun for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastEditorDisplayName="user8838" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T05:00:45.040" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T05:00:45.040" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12630" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12628" CreationDate="2018-04-01T11:50:06.440" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I suggest you clearly tell him you are not interested in a relationship with him. And tell him you will never be interested in a relationship. He should clearly know that there is no point in hoping it will every happen.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you use any explanations like you are not ready now or you have to get over this or that or maybe this or that he will have hope and he will continue to try. You won't like it and he will be disappointed trying and he will be disappointed if he tried for months and still has no success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you tell him one time clearly that you are not interested then that might hurt him but he will get over it. And when he accepts reality then life can go on normally for him and you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't postpone the inevitable. Tell him you are not interested and won't ever be interested.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I give you this answer from personal experience on the receiving end of &quot;I am not ready yet&quot;. I tried and had hope and more hope and because she didn't want to say no she told me something like &quot;maybe&quot;. I interpreted her maybe as &quot;almost sure it will happen&quot; but I am pretty sure she meant her maybe as &quot;99% sure it won't happen, but I don't want to tell you so clearly&quot;. In the hindsight she should have told me: Forget it, it will never happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-04-01T11:50:06.440" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12631" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12632" CreationDate="2018-04-01T17:00:43.690" Score="1" ViewCount="404" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question came about because of a comment someone made about an answer I posted recently. I'm aware that this site deals in specifics but I do feel that the question itself is specific while it pertains to situations generally. Please bear with me while I try to explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was born in the early seventies (I recently turned 46) and so, being a teenager in the '80s and a young man in the '90s, didn't have access to a resource such as Stack Exchange. If I encountered a problem with another person, my options were: 1. ask a friend for advice, 2. read a relevant self-help book or 3. wing it. Imagine this scenario where I'm discussing the issue with a friend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me - 'This person really upset me recently. They said some hurtful things. I'm not sure what to do.' Invariably, the advice would be something along the lines of: 'You need to let them know how you feel.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friends answer is quite general, but informs me how to proceed. I need to examine how I have been made to feel. I then have a think about how I might articulate those feelings. I would then approach the antagonist, for want of a better word, and tell them what I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see this process of engaging with feelings, articulation, and subsequent confrontation as normal, healthy behavior, which allows me room for growth and an opportunity to feel good about myself for having dealt with the situation in a mature, constructive manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to 2018! &#xA;If someone asks for advice, whether posted on here or out during my day to day, is it better to provide a general indicator as to how to proceed, or to furnish them with specifics? I wonder if any other 40yrs+ readers have thought about this; that because of generational differences, the very nature of advice giving has changed? Am I wrong in thinking that the &quot;old&quot; way was better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11728" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T21:43:54.783" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T21:43:54.783" Title="Should I tell someone exactly what to say?" Tags="&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12631" CreationDate="2018-04-01T17:17:51.903" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You will find that times have changed relative to the 70s and 80s.  Back then, we men didn't admit that we felt &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt;; we just soldiered through it, buried it, and acted like nothing bothered us.  It turns out that doing so was really not very healthy at all!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer to your question is &quot;it depends&quot;.  What are they asking for?  Let that guide you.  Are they asking general questions, or are the questions the kind that SE responds to (specific questions about a specific course of action)?  That will help you determine what to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of counseling is to find out how invested people are in the advice you give as well.  If they aren't fully on board with your advice, then giving specifics will only be frustrating for you and won't really help them at all.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I only give detailed instructions if I'm asked for it.  A large part of personal growth is knowing how to handle situations.  And you only gain that from experience.  A large part of that experience is figuring out exactly how to do something, what works, and what doesn't.  So in that sense, I prefer to start at the general and if needed work toward specifics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-01T17:17:51.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12597" CreationDate="2018-04-01T17:46:34.183" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I experienced the same thing in the past. I felt very uncomfortable when someone tried to talk to me while using the bathroom. &#xA;The solution I hit upon was to not reply. Let them talk all they want - you can't stop someone from talking - but you are in no way obliged to respond. If the people in question have a problem with that, well, it's their problem. If afterwards they query you over your silence, there is the opportunity to explain how uncomfortable it makes you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11728" LastActivityDate="2018-04-01T17:46:34.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12635" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-01T18:30:52.120" Score="2" ViewCount="626" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have just moved into a new country (Netherlands) where things are a little bit different than my home country. Now, I happen to get to meet a couple of people at my time here and naturally I bump into them while walking down town. How do I find out whether these people actually want to chat/catch up or just a simple hi would be enough?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not want to be rude by not talking to them or pushy/weird if I start talking to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16133" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-01T18:32:15.150" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T17:14:31.233" Title="How to find out whether I should stop and chat with the person that salutes me on the street?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-07T02:00:45.367" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12635" CreationDate="2018-04-01T19:00:03.137" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a simple Hello is good, and they can respond with more, if they want to.  [I've been to the Netherlands and am an American [US] with northern European heritage.] That signals that you're friendly but doesn't put them in a position of needing to make conversation if you don't want to. [By 'Hello', I mean, whatever is the typical greeting where you are.  I'm remembering that a guy from India told me, long ago, that 'Hi' wasn't a good thing to say in India.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15828" LastEditorUserId="15828" LastEditDate="2018-04-07T17:14:31.233" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T17:14:31.233" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12591" CreationDate="2018-04-01T19:21:21.857" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Rekindling a person is possible, but it requires skill.  I'll recommend something &lt;em&gt;slightly&lt;/em&gt; different which is easier, but takes more time and persistence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The challenge with rekindling a person is visible in the imagery.  You are looking for a spark to spring to life, and engulf the fuel around it in a way that roars back into the kind of person one wants to be around.  But the trick is that first step: finding the right place for a spark to form.  There are literally as many opinions on where to look for such a place as there are stars in the sky.  If you rekindle the wrong one, you may burn out something that your friend needed, and he will resent you for it.  Only rekindle a person if you are confident you know what you are doing (and I would suggest that asking an internet forum for advice is a strong indicator that you are not confident at the moment).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The alternative takes more energy and time.  It's not as flashy as rekindling a person, but it's just as effective.  &lt;em&gt;Help him rekindle himself&lt;/em&gt;.  Let it be &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; spark that starts the fire, and there's no risk of resentment.  It's a minor rephrasing, but I find that rephrasing helps keep the focus in useful directions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't pretend that's easy to do.  It can be thankless and difficult, but worth the time.  The best secret I have found is to make yourself into someone which encourages rekindling to occur around you.  Be someone who is there to listen to the frivolous stuff.  It doesn't have to be a deep listen, you don't have to pile firewood on every spark you see.  But be there to listen with at least as much zeal as they have when they speak.  One of the things I have found is that people who are crushed by external forces like dead end jobs don't need a giant roaring fire, they need one solid inextinguishable spark which they can call their own.  It's the little things that start the big things.  You're not trying to start the fire, you're trying to make sure that when a feeble attempt to restart the fire is made by him, it lands on fine tinder, ready to accept a spark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This process takes time.  At points along the way, you will see opportunities to directly rekindle something in him which you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; confident about.  Those are your opportunities to start a fire, if you so choose.  But when you don't have that confidence, just stay calm and patient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your personality encourages it, it's possible to get lost in such a process, so there's one last piece of advice I'd give.  Don't tend his fires. Tend fires [in general].  Seek out this rekindling process throughout your life, not just in him.  There &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; be some time where you fail to tend your own fires while tending to his.  It's a fact of life.  If you've gotten in the habit of rekindling all fires, including your own, it will be much easier to relight your own.  And, personally, I find it to be a useful trait in modern society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-04-01T19:21:21.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12635" CreationDate="2018-04-01T20:27:57.323" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question is very relevant for me. Generally it's good to communicate with another human being. If your desires are noble being pushy is good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't hurt to be pushy until you notice the other person uncomfortable or reluctant. In that case adapt, if uncomfortable (they are likely sensitive) backup and appeal to 'maybe another time'. If reluctant maybe see why (it might be possible to persuade them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16137" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T06:46:56.267" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T06:46:56.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12566" CreationDate="2018-04-02T04:46:08.323" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to re-phrase this using team sports instead of a WoW raid, because... not everyone really knows what it is. We'll use baseball.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, the SO of a particular teammate seems to &lt;strong&gt;like&lt;/strong&gt; playing baseball.  Her husband is a good player, but she kind of sucks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, she's not really playing baseball at all, at least not for baseball itself.  She likes to hang around people, likes the interaction, but she's actually just part of a team and likes being in it.  If you like baseball for baseball, you'll work hard to get better, because being better at it is something you like!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hint:  She doesn't like baseball/raid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One solution is to setup the team to play non-competitively when she's around.  Just like in a WoW raid, if you play super-competitively, her flaws will be magnified and her weakness will show.  You do not bring a known weak player into a highly-competitive game (she will get killed by the other team).  Like-wise, you don't bring her to any raid that absolutely requires top-tier performance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I bet you if you bring her to a mickey-mouse raid where she's a healer and can tank the boss, she'll enjoy it even more.  This will prove she actually doesn't like to do the top-tier raids.  She just likes to be part of the team!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="451" LastEditorUserId="451" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T12:55:51.017" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T12:55:51.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12627" CreationDate="2018-04-02T06:58:07.393" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with what others have posted on letting her win intentionally, which I feel will just hurt her even more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, despite that you may be much better than her, I believe there are surely things that you can learn from her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when playing a game, how about trying to observe more of the &quot;&lt;strong&gt;learning points&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; or some &quot;&lt;strong&gt;different perspective&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; you learnt from her? I feel that even though one might be very good in a game there is always something to learn from the other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when you found the &quot;learning points&quot;, do point it out and even remark how you are learning from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, after the game:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the game. Just now there was a move that I didn't&#xA;  expect and have stumbled for a while. That's really something I might&#xA;  borrow and use next time I play. It's something new for me (&lt;em&gt;learning&#xA;  point&lt;/em&gt;). But if in the next few steps you have played [like so and so], I'd have probably been in deep, deep trouble (&lt;em&gt;advice + appreciation of&#xA;  the learning point&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you have to be genuine about the learning points you discovered. And if you really didn't find anything, how about something beyond skills, such as her attitude and/or learning spirit? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Letting her to know how much of the positive impact she has left to you, I believe will raise her spirits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T08:25:42.280" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T08:25:42.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12645" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-02T09:02:12.637" Score="2" ViewCount="468" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am always put down by my family members whenever a situation arises when there's a decision making time. Recently a cousin of mine had an affair with someone, there were many discussions which went on in the family, but no one could come to a decision. Even I though I tried helping by thinking reasonably and logically, I am put down by my members on the context that I am younger and should not interfere (despite the fact that my cousin is only 2 years older than me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was just an incident many times I am also cut down on the context of how I am talking(they think I am being rude,because of my tone), even though my family knows the tone in which I talk, they try to cut me down in similar situations pointing to my unacceptable way of talking. &#xA;When I correct myself, by “trying” to be nice (even though I was,and was just helping them get to a conclusion), they tend to not pay heed on what I say next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get them to take my opinions more seriously?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10244" LastEditorUserId="10244" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T09:15:54.993" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T02:33:43.647" Title="Always put down" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12646" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-02T09:29:53.147" Score="11" ViewCount="1107" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question focuses on my relationship with my mom. Most people who know her find her difficult to be around. She invites me to her place but there’s a 75% chance we get in a fight the first 15 minutes and I have to leave. This is a problem because it leaves me feeling upset and I waste travel time. I find she nitpicks until I lose my temper and then she kicks me out for getting mad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example today she invited me over for lunch. Whenever she speaks it’s like she’s giving orders. The first thing that bothered me is how she said ‘put the plates on the table!’ in a harsh tone instead of asking ‘can you put the plates on the table’. I brought over a bottle of wine as a gift and she got mad that I put it on the table so I moved it, but I don’t understand why someone would get mad about something like this. The third thing she did that made me lose my cool was I was touching my food with my fingers and she got mad at me for this. This was bad on my part but I started shoveling food in my face with my hands to prove that she can’t control how I chose to eat my food. She told me to leave and I did. Also, for the short time I was there she didn’t really engage with me except to boss me around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shortly after I left I got an email saying she had picked up groceries for me that are still at her home. This makes no sense to me as I was still very angry at her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sort of thing has happened before and I don’t know how to stop it. I would like to spend less time around her but she reals me in by saying she has food for me at her home. It’s not really effective leaving when she acts in a way I don’t like as I already wasted a lot of time making the journey to her home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m thinking of replying to the email&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Last time it wasn’t pleasant for either of us when I came over. How&#xA;  will things be different this time? I’m confused why you get so angry&#xA;  over small things like how I put the bottle of wine on the table? I&#xA;  really don’t appreciate when you get mad at me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get her to speak to me nicer instead of ordering me around and using an angry voice? What should I say when she speaks to me in a way I don't appreciate? What should I do when she tries to coerce me to come visit her? When should I blow things off and when should I tell her to stop doing something? For example, with telling me to put the plates on the table in a bossy voice, I can ignore, but after several times when she told me not to eat with my fingers, I blow up. Just to be clear, even if I'm really careful what to be polite, she'll still find something to get mad at me for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a value of mine to maintain ties with family, and that’s why I want this to work. If it was a friend of mine, I wouldn't be friends with them if they treated me like this but you can't chose your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16149" LastEditorUserId="6037" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T12:25:27.787" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T23:34:13.313" Title="Trying to limit toxic relationship with family but keep getting dragged back in" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12645" CreationDate="2018-04-02T10:40:09.033" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first important thing, do these decisions concern you? It sounds like it's only a discussion about other's concerns (your cousins) but you are not involved by the results? Then there is no real disadvantage for you if the result is not what you would suggest. This is important and could help you to stay cool with this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then do you really want to stay engaged in these discussions? Try another strategy. If the put you down, leave the discussion or even better the room. Don't play offended, be cool and show you have no reason to think about things if they don't want to know your opinion.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I know it is not easy and doesn't work always. But it's better than desperately trying to be accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am also cut down on the context of how I am talking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well this is something you should change, regarding you whole future life. Your family should know you, what you mean when you say something in your way. If even they can't handle this, how should the rest of the world do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;even though my family knows the tone in which I talk&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things don't change and must be taken as they are. But on the other hand not everything can be explained by just saying it's the way it is and it will not change. If your tone is shocking, you should adapt instead of everyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have an idea what they don't like in your tone? Ask them!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Start a discussion with only one family member, ask for examples, let them imitate you. Think how this ton would impact you, if heard from another person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Now the conclusion&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a little chance that another way of talking could also repair the &quot;you are younger&quot; situation!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T10:40:09.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12646" CreationDate="2018-04-02T12:22:03.303" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you look at a lot of my responses on IPS, one thing I repeat ad infinitum is this: it is extremely difficult to change other people's behavior.  It is much easier to change your response to their behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you get her to speak nicer to you?  I wish I knew the answer.  She's in that mode of behavior and it sounds like it's not just to you.  Generally behavior continues when it gets something desired; when it fails to achieve the desired result, the behavior stops.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, to get her to stop reeling you in:  it sounds like she does so by saying she has food for you.  Question: did you ask for it?  Did you need it?  If not, then I'd suggest starting there.  &quot;Thanks for getting that for me; I appreciate the effort but I don't need anything right now.&quot;   She'll most likely be angry with you for refusing her gift but if you decline it (politely) several times in a row, I suspect that will stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, with respect to her wanting you to come over, e-mail is pretty impersonal.  I'd suggest having that conversation with her, either over the phone or in person.  She needs to &lt;em&gt;hear&lt;/em&gt; it, &lt;em&gt;not read&lt;/em&gt; it.  I think you have the right conversation with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Last time it wasn’t pleasant for either of us when I came over. How will things be different this time? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and let things just flow from there.  The second half of your proposed conversation can happen at a later date.  But let her demonstrate how things will be different and then prove it to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships within family are the hardest because you never chose family, yet they're a big part of your life.  By insisting on your independence, however, you can establish a more proper distance between you and your mother, which will lead to a more productive relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="4374" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T05:23:06.310" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T05:23:06.310" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12635" CreationDate="2018-04-02T13:36:31.390" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;¡Hi!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First: Are you interested in talk to them/be friends?&#xA;If not a &quot;Hi&quot; is enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to talk to them you can alternate &quot;Hi!&quot; days and &quot;Hi, so cold today!&quot; (example) and you can talk until the conversation allows you, somedays that conversation can be interesting and somedays not. When not, the conversation probably will be short, but it's natural! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16151" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T13:36:31.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12651" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7474" CreationDate="2018-04-02T14:15:57.327" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I had to stop talking to her, at least for a while. She agreed and we wished each other the best. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;multiple stories on her SnapChat ... made me paranoid that I have hurt her feelings&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My end aim is to ... make it so it won't hurt her ... [or] ... try minimize it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's two possibilities here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is grieving her loss of your friendship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is hurting over some unrelated issue in her life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, it's worth pointing out that she may have made similar posts prior to the loss of your friendship, but because your relationship changed only now do you suppose they are about you.  Vague posts are irritating, but they are vague on purpose, and you should probably respect her desire to remain vague without requesting she clear it up for you.  That said, let's look at this from the two possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's #2, then even bringing up that you think it's about you is a poor choice.  Asking if it's about you is most likely going to result in causing you both unhappiness - she will now be worried that she can't post her feelings because you will take them wrong and either be forced to censor herself, unfriend you, or live with the idea that she's causing you pain when she makes unrelated posts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's #1, then the best course of action is to let her grieve.  You can't end a friendship, then come back and &quot;save&quot; your friend from your loss without repairing the break.  Unless you intend to &quot;fix&quot; her pain by re-entering her life (and I suggest you do not) then there is nothing you can do that won't actually make the grief process more painful, lengthy, or worse in some other way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't bear to see her express her pain and disappointment, then your best course of action is to stop following her, at least for a time. I don't believe that in either case you're in a position to help ease her pain, whether you caused it or not.  Allow her the time and space away from you to find comfort from her other relationships, regardless of the source of her pain, and move on with your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T14:15:57.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12652" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12653" CreationDate="2018-04-02T15:11:00.280" Score="54" ViewCount="18318" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Intro:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all have seen a couple who are so in love they have lengthy kisses in public, always display affection, call each other cute names and wherever they go or sit, they always appear to cuddle. Many people find that gross and awkward to look at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't mind it when I see random couples who do that on the metro, in the park, when I'm shopping etc. I know I probably won't see them ever again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything becomes more delicate if it is a transsexual couple (a guy and a girl, both trans) you live with, or see regularly otherwise.  Every time I am around this particular couple I feel really abashed. They clearly don't mind the whole family seeing them cuddle in the common areas, using romantic talk and nicknames, blowing kisses at each other, sitting in one another's lap in the living room etc. But for me it feels like I am always intruding on their privacy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to just avoid them completely. In fact I'd love to have normal conversations with both of them, but they just would not stop being preoccupied with each other. It always feels like they are in a bubble and nothing else concerns them. It is also nearly impossible to have a one on one conversation with either of them since they are barely ever apart. For example if I am having some small-talk in the kitchen with the guy while he is making hot chocolate, the girl will soon come into the kitchen and interrupt our conversation by saying &quot;how is the hot chocolate coming along sweetie&quot;, a goofy face, and immediately snuggling up to the guy's side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The couple in question have previously deflected subtle remarks on their behaviour as &quot;being mean&quot;. They take offence quite easily. I get this attitude from them that unless you identify as one of LGBT+ then you can't have a say in what they do in public. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has been going on for a long while, and I thought this behaviour would slowly subside over time, but it didn't. They appear to be completely oblivious to the fact people feel really awkward because of their gushy behaviour (and yes others in the house have similar remarks).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to discuss this issue with them, but I have no idea how start. I don't know how to phrase myself without coming across transphobic, or mean. I'd like to know if any of you know a good way of starting such a conversation &amp;amp; communicating my thoughts clearly and politely and respectfully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10172" LastEditorUserId="10172" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T15:58:04.780" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T12:53:32.730" Title="How to tell a trans couple that their overly romantic behaviour makes you uncomfortable, without coming across transphobic?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12653" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12652" CreationDate="2018-04-02T15:29:07.137" Score="91" Body="&lt;p&gt;On the one hand, the fact that one or both of these people is trans is utterly irrelevant. (I'm going to take you at your word that your objection is to Public Displays of Affection whether with opposite sex couples who are both cis, same sex couples who are both cis, or opposite or same sex couples that include one or two trans people.) Different people have a different level of comfort with PDAs. Since you see them a lot, you can just express your issue with their PDAs on the spot&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you two, can I just [read my paper]/[finish washing these dishes]/[whatever] without the public display of affection? Or at least tone it down a little?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;[Note: calling the other person sweetie when greeting them, or following them to where they started a task to ask how the task is going doesn't count as a PDA in my books, but long kisses, sitting in laps, and long discussions that involve only the two of them and ignore everyone else in the room, especially if the topic is I-love-you-more-no-I-love-you-more&quot; kind of thing -- that is the behavior you're going to react to.]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say anything about you being transphobic or the like, you can reply&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's unfair and untrue. I would say the same about any couple that is so blatantly affectionate in front of other people all the time. [Optionally: I was holding off saying anything because I thought it might naturally dwindle, but it's not, so I need to mention please, less sweetie-snuggle-kissing if you can.] &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist that no, your objecting is transphobic, you can go further:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have I ever misgendered anyone, deadnamed anyone, let a transphobic comment from someone else go by, treated you any differently from any other of my friends? I think I deserve better than to be called transphobic if I ever happen to disagree with you about anything. You're a man, you're a woman, and I would prefer if the pair of you did less snuggling and cuddling in front of me. I'm sorry this turned into a whole thing, it was just a small request to tone down the public displays of affection if you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, why did I start with &quot;on the one hand&quot;? Because depending on how long it has been since they transitioned, one or both of them may be in their very first relationship. People are always kind of &quot;over the top&quot; and self-absorbed and &quot;in a bubble&quot; when that happens. I have heard people who transitioned as adults talk about being &quot;like a teenager&quot; and &quot;having a second puberty&quot; -- I don't know how old these people are, or when they transitioned, or how much hormones they are on, but it's possible that some of this, both emotionally and physically, is more than they can control. Not saying that for sure, but something to consider. Doesn't mean don't ask them to tone it down, but try to imagine it's the very first time they've been able to be with a boyfriend or girlfriend in an accepting environment and do the things they see other people doing from time to time. So they may be doing those things too often, or in front of too many people, out of sheer exuberance of being able to open this chapter in their lives. Keep that emotion in mind when choosing your words. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, being comfortable in your own home is important. So go ahead and ask. But keep in mind that they aren't exactly like every other couple, so what you're asking may be harder for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T22:49:20.093" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T22:49:20.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12654" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12652" CreationDate="2018-04-02T16:45:32.610" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The short answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Address it the same way you would with any other overly sappy, sweet, PDA couple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you two, get a room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The long answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that this is a trans couple doesn't, or at least shouldn't, matter. The fact that you think it does is a little telling... I'm not going to beat you up over it, but feeling the need to make that distinction in your question tells me that there's a least a little bias or additional discomfort in the situation because you're dealing with a trans couple rather than a cis couple. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People sometimes refer to this as a &quot;micro-aggression&quot;. Before anyone flips out over the use of the term, let me explain that... A micro-aggression doesn't necessarily mean that you're some awful, hateful bigot. It just means that you were probably raised in an environment where you didn't have much exposure to, in this case trans folks, and you're not quite sure how to deal, and that can lead to these little missteps. Most people are slightly unsure of how to address people and situations that are new to them, that part is ok, just make an effort to recognize it and overcome it when the situations arise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case the easiest way to avoid micro-aggressions is to ask your self a simple question. How would you handle the situation if it were a cisgender, heterosexual couple? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no shame in taking the time to do a little self evaluation. Most people have subconscious biases, that we don't think we have, until they surface. It's not necessarily the first thought that makes you transphobic, sexist, racist, or what have you; it's what you decide to do about that first thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they were my roommates being all gushy and sweet to each other, I'd be happy for them. Not enough people get to have that kind of love in their lives, and even fewer people get to experience it for a long time. If you can find it in your self to be honestly happy for them, that's probably the best way to go. If you're just generally uncomfortable with public displays of affection, use the short answer above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt; &#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should they respond badly to a general request to &quot;get a room&quot; and claim that you're transphobic for saying anything:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, don't get defensive. A strong defensive response will likely solidify their impression that you're simply phobic. Kate Gregory's answer is pretty solid up until that point... Getting defensive, in my experience, tends to sound like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some of my best friends are...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You know me better than that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Have I ever said anything about ... before?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These kinds of responses don't do much to dispell the feeling that someone is uncomfortable with you because of &lt;em&gt;'reasons'&lt;/em&gt;. Honestly they usually come across as what they really are; defensive statements that dig a deeper hole by further othering the person they're directed at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should probably do instead is that self examination mentioned above, and then sit down with them and talk about it honestly, much the same way you did in your question. Explain how the public displays of affection make you feel uncomfortable, and that you were hesitant to say anything because you didn't want to be misinterpreted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start with the simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you two, get a room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they respond by saying that you're only bothered because you're phobic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I'm just generally uncomfortable with public displays of affection. Makes me feel like a third wheel and I'm not sure how to respond to that. Can we maybe work something out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ending on a question inviting them to work with you is probably a much better approach than angrily insisting that you're not transphobic. It offers some space for a more collaborative solution that everyone can be comfortable with, rather than just tossing out a demand and an angry retort when the demand isn't received well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-04-02T22:59:00.310" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T22:59:00.310" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12655" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-02T16:52:10.230" Score="44" ViewCount="17230" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in a country in Eastern Europe. I went to a practice-public-speaking event, as a visitor (to see if I wanted to join the group). After the event, all of us went to a small restaurant close to the event, to eat brunch and drink coffee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An older man (65 years?), from the US, who was part of the group, said to me (another man) that the women there are beautiful and make good and loyal housewives, didn't I think so too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't like that question, because I don't like looking at other people as housewives or someone's &quot;servants&quot;. Also, I felt ashamed, because there were many women there (members of the group), and I didn't want to be seemingly participating in a discussion about them being housewives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I reply to him in a way that makes him abruptly stop talking about that? And that doesn't offend him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he gets offended I'd be a tiny bit worried he'd start ridiculing me in front of the others. He was referring to one of his children as a social justice warrior (which is a negative/ridiculing phrase), and on the Internet he writes bad things about people from Africa, and calls his other children things like lazy and selfish. All of his three children have broken all contact with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have suggestions about what to say / do?  (and how do you think he'd react, if I said that?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was a bit curious about who he was, and was okay with continuing talking with him, but about other things. So just walking away, would have felt a bit ... boring, and maybe unnecessarily impolite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't want to offend him, because &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;maybe it would be interesting to talk with him about other things, also I got curious and wanted to find out more about him and his viewpoints. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think if I &quot;angrily&quot; rejected his attempt to talk with me, the others around us might have noticed, and ... I was new in the group, my first day. He was a long term member. And I think that, the first day, rejecting a long-term member in a not-polite way could have given a bad impression of me. ... Also, if two people seem to not get along with each others, the others nearby won't know which of them is &quot;weird&quot;, or maybe they'll think both are.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16156" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T20:18:40.090" LastActivityDate="2020-01-03T10:20:40.887" Title="How avoid a question about women being loyal housewives?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12655" CreationDate="2018-04-02T16:57:10.227" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I could reply like so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not interested in that question. Please find someone else to talk with about that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However maybe that (above) is an a bit &quot;angry&quot; response? A bit like &quot;Get away from me!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another, more friendly?, approach could be to just ignore the question. I could pause for two seconds, in silence, and then instead say or ask something different, about something I was actually interest in talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Explanation:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think pausing and ignoring the question, is a bit friendly because I don't directly confront him. I don't directly tell him it was a &quot;bad&quot; question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, by pausing for a short while,  and then not replying but saying something else instead, then I would think I'm indicating to him that I didn't want to talk about the things he mentioned. Assuming it was obvious that I heard what he first said. ... And by thereafter looking friendly and asking him about something else instead, he'll realize I'm not &quot;angry&quot; at him and that we can still have an interesting conversation about ... something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16156" LastEditorUserId="16156" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T12:52:49.057" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T12:52:49.057" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12652" CreationDate="2018-04-02T17:52:49.690" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If public displays of affection are considered rude in your culture, then simply express that fact.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, you two are making me uncomfortable with the constant PDAs&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they react and accuse, simply state the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Public displays of affection make me uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How they react is up to them and is quite frankly beyond your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I knew this one person who was extremely promiscuous and also happened to be gay, and I didn't appreciate him going on and on about his adventures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He did at first take umbrage until I pointed out that he sounded like the office lothario bragging about his latest conquests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it about the behavior and only about the behavior and you should be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T17:52:49.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12652" CreationDate="2018-04-02T18:54:21.380" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DON'T&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a problem it's their problem. If you don't mind it with people you don't knows there's no reason to mind with them also - see my list of points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they do it in public be sure they are aware that there are people concerned and I can bet someone has already shouted &quot;Go get a room&quot; more than once.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Even after 1. They don't stop, so it's unlikely you will stop them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some people do it on purpose. I call it the &quot;Spring effect&quot;. When some group or behaviour was severely &quot;pressed&quot; and that pressure is released you got a overreaction from these people (who can blame them?).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some people not only do it on purpose but expects the first naive reaction to start trolling. I don't say this is the case but be aware that kind of person really exists and you don't want to argue with them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let them be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the IPS SE help section &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/help/how-to-ask&quot;&gt;How do I ask a good question&lt;/a&gt; page&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep an open mind&lt;/strong&gt; The answer to your question may not always be the one you wanted, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong. A conclusive&#xA;  answer isn’t always possible. When in doubt, ask people to cite their&#xA;  sources, or to explain how/where they learned something. Even if we&#xA;  don’t agree with you, or tell you exactly what you wanted to hear,&#xA;  remember: we’re just trying to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer receveid a lot of UPVOTES and DOWNVOTES and to clarify I know OP wants to find an easy way to tell something without causing conflict. Also I cannot foresee the outcome of any OP action nor the couple reaction (I'm not a &lt;em&gt;clairvoyant&lt;/em&gt;) the only thing I'm stressing here is the possibility there's not an easy way to do it and even the impossibility of conflict avoidance. Also, I invite OP to judge the risk of causing conflict. Not by simply ignoring the problem but to realize where lies the real problem. If it's the couples problem it's not OP's business to meddle. If it's OP problem, this means the couple are not aware nor willing to solve it, so OP will need to solve his problem, in this case it's not an interpersonal issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9633" LastEditorUserId="9633" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T12:53:32.730" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T12:53:32.730" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12655" CreationDate="2018-04-02T19:31:32.790" Score="78" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing you could do is highlight the positive qualities of women while avoiding directly contradicting him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find that the women here are highly motivated. The ones who choose a domestic lifestyle are very successful at it. However there are also many women who choose other paths, and they are very successful in those areas as well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like this avoids offending him, as on the surface you are not disagreeing with the fact that women could have a certain quality without limiting them to that role in general. A response like this would avoid conflict, while at the same time create a possibility for a healthy and non demeaning conversation about what women are capable of. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T19:31:32.790" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12655" CreationDate="2018-04-02T20:16:15.703" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't like that question, because&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggested reply: &quot;I'm more of a feminist myself, but since this is a debate club, why don't you try to convince me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use a friendly tone. This announces that you are open-minded and interested in dialogue, but it also forces him to put his money where his mouth is. Just wait for him to decide that his arguments wouldn't be that convincing anyway, and change the subject... On the other hand, if he decides to argue about it, then discuss. Once you earned his respect by giving him some respect, then you can ask him what he thinks the other women around would think of his opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I reply to him in a way that makes him abruptly stop talking about that? And that doesn't offend him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, there's a bit of a contradiction here. You want him to shut up because you are ashamed, as you say in your question. He will only do what you want if he cares enough about your feelings... but you propose to antagonize him instead, which will make him want to disregard everything you say and offend you even more... that's counter-productive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also, I felt ashamed, because there were fairly many women there (members of the group), and I didn't want to be seemingly participating in a discussion about them being housewifes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why don't you ask these women for their opinion instead of deciding yourself what they think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If he gets offended I'd be a tiny bit worried he'd start ridiculing me in front of the others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something tells me you are much younger than him (you say he is 65) so if you attempt to tell him what he can or cannot say, expect backlash. Old people often react like this, actually it happens between each generation, just think about musical tastes for example... that's another reason why I picked the &quot;try to convince me&quot; approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He was referring to one of his children as a social justice warrior&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well if you want him to respect you, not acting like a SJW would be a wise choice then!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am quite appalled that another answer suggests to get him kicked out of the group for thoughtcrime. If you go with that approach, try to think about this: why wouldn't he do the same to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-05T09:50:06.180" LastActivityDate="2019-01-05T09:50:06.180" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12663" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-02T20:59:22.250" Score="206" ViewCount="31806" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't wear makeup. I have worn it 3 times in my life, and the last time was a really light amount for my wedding 10 years ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My reasons for not wearing makeup are varied and personal. The main reason is that I don't like the feeling of product on my face. But also it is expensive and I just can't be bothered to go through the process of putting the stuff on every day just to conform to societal norms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I get people (mostly acquaintances (co-workers, neighbours)) commenting on my lack of makeup. I usually don't mind explaining if they ask why I don't wear any and then the conversation goes on to other things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the problem comes when they try and &lt;em&gt;convince&lt;/em&gt; me that I should be wearing makeup and that I would &quot;look so much better&quot; and &quot;feel so much better about myself&quot;. They look for ways to negate my reasons (&quot;there are natural products&quot;, &quot;you don't need to wear that much&quot;, &quot;why don't you just try it&quot;). Some people offer to give me a makeover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now these comments really bother me. They imply that currently I &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; feel good about myself, and that I &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to look better. I don't base my self worth on how I look, and I don't want my daughter to either. I don't want her to hear these comments. Now I know I'm not the most beautiful woman out there, but I'm accepted by my husband and family and friends and they don't care about my makeup policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I bring the conversation to an end quickly when people start trying to convince me to wear makeup? I don't want their opinion, I don't want to justify myself, I just want my decision to be respected. I don't even care about changing their own views, I'm not going to rant to them about how makeup is superficial. I just want to be left alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to be clear, I don't want my daughter to base her self worth on how she looks. She is absolutely welcome to wear makeup if she chooses to. I am not going to force her not to. In my opinion, those two things are completely unrelated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally I take care of myself still. No makeup doesn't imply no hygiene. I still have good personal hygiene. My culture is Afrikaner (South Africa), which is similar to the general &quot;Western&quot; culture as it relates to makeup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-04-07T12:12:49.613" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T11:40:24.820" Title="How do I deal with people trying to convince me to wear makeup?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="19" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12664" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-02T21:10:47.767" Score="178" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a fellow woman who does not wear makeup, &lt;em&gt;I feel your pain&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually my mother is the one nagging at me, and I've found that it's most effective to say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I appreciate you trying to be of help, but I've already went X years (I usually just state my age) feeling great about myself without makeup, so I won't be starting now.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're essentially telling these folks (who likely truly believe that makeup is going to make you a happier person, based on their own experiences) is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I value your opinion, &lt;em&gt;but I don't share it so no thanks&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still try to push you after you've kindly expressed your disinterest, reiterate more concisely:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not going to start wearing makeup, so can we move on to a different subject?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is to first try to turn them down with kindness, as most people will take the hint without needing to be rude towards, but do get more firm if they continue trying to speak about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T21:10:47.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12655" CreationDate="2018-04-02T21:40:50.477" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know the exact country you're talking about, or where you are from, so I can't comment on social norms there. But you say this man is from the US, and that's a culture I can speak to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply put, his attitude is fast falling out of style in the US. A comment like that would make a lot of people pretty uncomfortable in this day and age, though someone of his generation grew up when it would have been perfectly acceptable. I propose two different ways of tactfully handling it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, a method that would likely redirect that bit of conversation in a fairly non-confrontational but still reasonably clear way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure they would be just as good at whatever else they might do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simple, direct, respectful. You might be tempted to qualify that with some statement about them seeming intelligent or having ambition, but that is just as sexist &lt;em&gt;in the opposite direction&lt;/em&gt;. What a lot of people seem to be missing these days is that &lt;em&gt;there's nothing wrong with being &quot;just a housewife&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. That can easily be a full-time job in and of itself, and shows no lack of intelligence or ambition. This statement should be enough to deflect the comment and let you change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little less passive way that would allow you to challenge his thinking without offending would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh? Why do you think that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you meet something you disagree with head-on, you can easily find out &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; someone thinks the way they do and either understand them a little better or leave them scrambling to justify themselves. Either way you're signaling you don't share their view, and asking them to justify their statements, but doing it in a polite and mindful way. Unless they aggressively dive into a debate about it, it will also allow you to easily shift the topic a moment later if you don't want to continue talking about it. But it at least gives them a chance to speak their mind, which is just as important as making your views known.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you can easily signal your disapproval without being offensive or sounding like an &quot;SJW&quot;. I personally recommend the second method, because it also shows you aren't afraid of uncomfortable topics and won't just go along with everything someone says.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't comment on the &quot;beautiful&quot; part. Again, in the US, that is a behavior that is becoming taboo, because it is regarded by many as being shallow or sexist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T21:40:50.477" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12666" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12655" CreationDate="2018-04-02T21:42:50.030" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you ever feel someone's trying to drag you into a potentially uncomfortable conversation, you can always look a little puzzled and ask something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you mean?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets you postpone any confrontation, but also forces the other person to lay out their opinion in more detail. Hopefully, their opinion is actually reasonable, they just chose their words poorly. This gives them an opportunity to clear any of that up. However, there's also the chance they spoke correctly and that they double down on their original comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, luckily most people have reasonable moral compasses. The fact that you were with a group of people here helps. If he's trying to express an offensive opinion, adding detail is only going to make that more obvious to people around you. There's even a chance one of them will jump in and let you off the hook. However, if there is any awkward confrontation to follow, it's hopefully a little more clear where the both of you stand (you also have a unique opportunity here to gauge a little more if you want to join their group. I assume if that man laid out a distasteful view of women and the group agreed, you'd be less inclined to join). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really, you could keep asking him to clarify after this. Some people have sobering moments of clarity when forced to explain an offensive stance in public. However, this also makes it more likely that this person will see you as the source of their discomfort (you are, after all) and that seems to be something you're trying to avoid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you're ready to give him a response... Well, I think that part's actually answered perfectly by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12660&quot;&gt;Link0352&lt;/a&gt;. I've honestly been trying to write this part independently, but they've said exactly what I'd like to say (so if you like this answer upvote theirs too). Don't respond by disagreeing with him; choose a positive attribute and focus on that instead. If possible, even finish your thought with a followup question of your own to try and direct the conversation down a better path. In fact, if you very desperately want to avoid talking to him, try to direct that followup to someone else in the group. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="3601" LastEditDate="2019-01-21T18:14:26.300" LastActivityDate="2019-01-21T18:14:26.300" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12646" CreationDate="2018-04-02T23:39:33.537" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like she's simply an unpleasant person to be around. This may be one of those cases where she simply needs to be introduced to the idea &quot;If everyone around you is a jerk, maybe the jerk is actually you.&quot; Just like badPrussian said, it's quite difficult to change someone else's behavior, especially if they're old enough to have an adult child (which I assume since you say you have to travel there). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you tried to have this conversation over the phone the same day that you had a fight and were kicked out of her house, that was probably a mistake. Give the situation a few days to cool off then tell her you want to sit down and have an honest conversation. Let her choose the time and place to allow her to feel comfortable with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you get there, start by apologizing for how you acted last time (you may not feel like you need to but it should help). Explain your point of view and how it feels when you try to do something nice/helpful and all it seems like you get in return is anger. Don't point the finger at her, this will make her go on the defensive and will likely lead to another outburst. Instead, state that you want to make it so that you can both enjoy having dinner together. Share the fact that you don't want to upset her and that explaining it to you in a calm manner will help you to understand and remember to avoid doing it in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this may just be the way she is, but maybe you can bring her to an agreement that works for both of you. Say that you'll visit once a week if she does her best to use a mild tone and you'll do your best to avoid doing things that upset her. If she can't uphold her end of the deal, you'll cut visits down to once every two weeks, even if she tries to entice you with food you never asked for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I was typing this I noticed your comment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just tried over a phone call, and asked what would be different. She just said &quot;well I guess you won't be eating here next time&quot;. What do I say next?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how the conversation went overall, I'm guessing not good, that may be the end of it. It may be best to just cut ties for a while and try to get back in touch later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13666" LastActivityDate="2018-04-02T23:39:33.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12635" CreationDate="2018-04-03T00:02:01.377" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hail from the US's Midwest region where there's a stereotype of everyone being rather polite. It's generally considered good practice to acknowledge a person you know with a &quot;Hi&quot; or &quot;How's it going?&quot; if you pass them in the street or another public area. Generally, a quick &quot;Hi&quot; or &quot;Good, you?&quot; in return is perfectly acceptable, even while neither party breaks their stride. If somebody actually has something to talk about, they'll stop walking or signal it with a pretty clear action such as asking if you have a moment to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm willing to bet the protocol is similar (or even more relaxed) in the Netherlands but if you're truly concerned, ask a local you trust and explain that it's different where you're from. Honestly asking is a strategy that many people tend to overlook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13666" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T00:02:01.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12670" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-03T00:13:17.093" Score="5" ViewCount="1328" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a large shared house with international people. I noticed it’s natural to speak a bit louder than a normal voice when video-chatting (because the microphone isn’t right beside your face). I find my roommates use Skype video-chat a lot and this is affecting my sleep and ability to do work that involves concentration. The walls are very thin where I live but I can hear it very clearly if someone’s Skyping from the kitchen or an adjacent room. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people do not speak English well. I feel very sheepish about asking them to keep their voice lower as I don’t want to be insensitive. When and how should I approach them and what phrasing should I use? Should I address them individually or as a group? Should I say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When Skyping, do you think you could make an effort to keep your voice lower? I can hear it very clearly from my room and I have to work strange hours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is there are many people and they do it for a long period of time, otherwise I could ignore a few minutes each day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also some do it at ridiculous hours like 4am but I requested this to stop and it seems to work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A final concern, sometimes people do it in public areas like the kitchen but they leave the phone or computer and walk around. I sometimes enter the room not knowing they are video-chatting and try to talk to them. This makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. It’s an extreme comparison but it’s kind of like someone putting surveillance cameras in a common area. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now he's starting to make kissing noises while chatting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastEditorDisplayName="user16097" LastEditDate="2018-04-16T02:57:10.390" LastActivityDate="2020-05-05T22:06:49.633" Title="How to get housemates to be quieter when video-chatting?" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;personal-space&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12628" CreationDate="2018-04-03T00:49:15.077" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tried adding a comment to Edgar's answer but it ended up growing too long. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to telling him that you aren't/won't be interested in him, you need to need to make it clear that you still want him in your life. When you do so, try to avoid using the word &quot;friend&quot; as in &quot;I like you as a friend.&quot; This has unfortunately emerged in pop culture as the friend zone, seen as an inescapable prison for nice guys who deserve the girl who is too foolish to see their value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead explain to him that he's an important part of your life as he is and the fact that he's blatantly ignoring your boundaries not only looks bad on his part, but also causes more hurt for you. Let him know that he's an important part of your life and that you need him to be there to help you rather than put his own interests ahead of yours. Try to avoid ultimatums, but if he refuses to accept what you say, you may need to make it clear that, even though it hurts you, you can't have him in your life for a time if all he's going to do is try to make advances on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if your conversation goes fantastically, things &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; change. You may see a bit of an absence from Bob while he comes to terms with it but hopefully he'll come back with a better understanding of how you two fit together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13666" LastEditorUserId="13666" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T19:09:30.363" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T19:09:30.363" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12672" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T00:49:28.573" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't wear makeup as well and I've been through the process of people trying to persuade me about wearing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reasons people tell you to wear make-up are really offensive, actually: they imply that you're not good-looking enough or that you're not comfortable with your look. They're clearly stepping a boundary and they need to know they have to step back. This gives room for answers ranging from &amp;quot;quiet&amp;quot; to some that could be perceived as passive-aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a person that you won't likely see in a good while, an evergreen rebuttal is &lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;Maybe next time, thanks&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. You're not going against their beliefs nor yours, it's not a yes and not a no either. It can work wonder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise (ranging from least to most passive-aggressive):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-You would look so much better!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No, thanks, I already feel beautiful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why, don't you think I'm beautiful already?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Oh, it's better if I don't do it then, I don't want to damage the self-esteem of people around me. / I couldn't deal with the extra attention [credits to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12663/how-do-i-deal-with-people-trying-to-convince-me-to-wear-makeup/12672#comment51903_12672&quot;&gt;Wes Toleman&lt;/a&gt;]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, I assume they are talking about themselves and I counteract with other questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-You'd feel so much better!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Nah, I'm OK, thanks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why would I feel better with powder on my face?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;So I get you don't feel good without make-up? This is awful, my dear. Why don't you feel good with how you naturally look?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, when people ask me about the reasons why I don't wear makeup and I don't want to start a deep discussion, I give them silly answers - for instance, that it's because I like to sleep: I prefer spending five more minutes in bed than in the bathroom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T15:06:40.067" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12676" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12645" CreationDate="2018-04-03T02:33:43.647" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ah... I kinda could relate to this as I am the youngest in the family as well. Both my brothers are older than me by 9 and 6 years respectively. When it comes to important decision making, I will felt I am always being left out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One good thing I think you may start first is by asking yourself &quot;why is that so?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of all these years how you have been through in the family. Have you been independent enough? Do you always ask for unreasonable requests? Consistently getting people to worry about you? Able to help your parents in settling some house matters (e.g. calling to town council and lodged complains on something happened, or it can be simple things like saving up and getting an oven for the family)?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being the youngest in the family, your words tends to be &quot;lighter&quot;. But, we are really &lt;strong&gt;lacking on the life experiences&lt;/strong&gt;. A lot of what we think would work (&lt;em&gt;logically&lt;/em&gt;), is often a too &quot;ideal&quot; solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;So, how do you let others to take your opinions seriously? &#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question is something similar as to someone asking...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;&quot;how do I prove myself an awesome leader?&quot; &#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many ways, but it definitely &lt;strong&gt;won't be just saying out words&lt;/strong&gt;. You will need &lt;strong&gt;actions to prove it&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It goes the same for this case. Hence, don't be hasten to be recognized. Observe how the adults are solving the issues. You may leave the discussion but still provide your opinions privately with one of your family members (it can be your mum or dad). It will takes time for your family members to see your maturity through those daily life, your actions, behaviors and so on as time goes by. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T02:33:43.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T03:37:31.900" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my country, it's quite common for women to go out without makeup unless there's a party,wedding or some special occasion. In spite of that,I always have people questioning me why I don't wear makeup.That's because I have oily skin with acne/scars and people keep wondering why I don't cover them up.Even strangers approach me with suggestions on skincare regime and makeup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially,I used to tell people that I don't like wearing makeup but that requires answering lot of spin off questions.And no matter how nicely I phrase it,some folks would continue to pester me with their suggestions.So what I do now is to tell them that I'm allergic to makeup (including popular brands).Even then, someone will suggest some organic brand that I can try and I am like sure,I'll check it out and they stop at that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to answer your question &quot;How do I bring the conversation to an end quickly&quot;, you can try an approach similar to mine and see if it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T03:37:31.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12670" CreationDate="2018-04-03T04:00:25.547" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems you have solved the issue about the Skype activity during late hours.&#xA;Supposing you didn't, you could take the direct approach or, even given the opportunity, the persuasive approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Direct approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Housemate starts talking out loud at 4 a.m.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*You knock on his door&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Excuse me, could you speak lower? It is audible from my room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Persuasive approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Knock on his door&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, you know, I took some classes on &lt;em&gt;insert his language here&lt;/em&gt; back at High School, so I can kind of understand what you are saying from my room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that it is occuring at 4 a.m., we can be positive that something personal was said. If the friend later asks you about it your language expertise, just say that you can comprehend a few key words, and that's that. The persuasive approach of course doesn't apply if the housemate's language is something obscure like South Finland Russian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the surveillance, just say, in a neutral tone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Name&lt;/em&gt;, private conversations could be kept at a private space as well, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the housemate still doesn't get it, you can go in further detail:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not really adequate for me to be recorded, be it in video or audio, in a space of common usage, such as this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tone used, many times, is of equal or greater importance than the word choice. Be sure to always speak in a tone such that it isn't implied that the person in question is at fault, being a nuisance, or the offender; just say it like it is the most common thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12404" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T04:00:25.547" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12681" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12655" CreationDate="2018-04-03T04:07:03.933" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I sometimes meet people with such narrow-minded ideas. Some are not really looking to discuss ideas, and just seem to take pleasure in telling their ideas one-way. Others just have no idea how shocking what they are saying is, a recent example from a young Japanese who probably had no idea: &quot;&lt;em&gt;Oh you come from [some country]! I went there last year, it is so beautiful but there are too many [some ethnicity]&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such cases, I always choose between these two alternatives, depending on whether trying to make the person reconsider their opinion sounds worth my time and energy or not:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If motivated, I tell them that their comment is narrow-minded, and explain why, in details. I also explain that their comment would be considered shocking/misogynistic/racist/etc by most people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If not, I just pretend they were not talking to me, turn my head to the other side, and join the conversation that is going on there, or start a new conversation if none is going on. That way, the weird conversation dies and you join a more interesting one.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="129" LastEditorUserId="129" LastEditDate="2019-01-15T03:18:55.903" LastActivityDate="2019-01-15T03:18:55.903" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12670" CreationDate="2018-04-03T04:53:05.663" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When bringing it up with your room-mates, I suggest focusing on the issue you yourself are having, rather than than their actions. This is generally a good way to go about finding mutually beneficial solutions as it helps the other person sympathise with your situation better, and rather than getting defensive about what they are doing, they will be more motivated to try and figure something out that works for you both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have been having a bit of trouble focusing on my work. I know its completely normal to speak loudly and clearly when talking on Skype but do you think we could work something out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing I recommend is bringing it up at the time of/directly after the issue. By being up front and honest about when it is bothering you, approaching it from an understanding perspective and putting the ball in their field to do with what they will, you are encouraging a house sharing environment where people are encouraged to help each other rather than being held accountable for small disagreements. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have handled a few similar situations while in the study area at uni. Obviously I picked my battles/moments but the only cases that ever worked out were the ones where I used the above method/s. I found that accusing or blaming them is bound to backfire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, your final concern and comparison to surveillance cameras does indeed seem very extreme. This topic around privacy is more opinion based and less about IPS so I won't cover that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T08:28:24.183" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T08:28:24.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12670" CreationDate="2018-04-03T05:44:52.480" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I am suggesting is not a full solution, but perhaps some of these ideas may help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Address people individually, not as a group. Individually, they'll be nicer to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the kitchen, make a stand for the phone on the wall. That's what I have myself. I place my phone up on it, its camera is facing me and I can easily see the screen, but I have my hands free. And if you put the stand in an obvious location, you'd be able to tell right away whether there is a phone in it, or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For their rooms, focus on those that have rooms adjacent to yours, or focus on the worst offenders, and ask that they use a headset. If you have the money, you may want to offer to partially (or fully) pay for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, there may be other issues to consider, like house rules, quiet hours, creating a phone booth/area for the house, your own personal friendship with these folks, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T05:44:52.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T06:52:24.487" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: This is about co-workers and a work context, not neighbors or personal friends.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In certain industries and contexts, wearing make up is expected for a female professional, as is (e.g.) not wearing a beard or only a heavily groomed one for a male. Only you yourself know if this is the case here, but your colleagues might just try to help you not to break etiquette. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... I just can't be bothered to go through the process of putting the stuff on every day just to conform to societal norms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can consciously break societal norms, but not everyone will look upon this favorably. People without an in-depth knowledge of your reasoning behind breaking the norms probably consider their advice helping you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, the right approach to this seems to be an &lt;strong&gt;honest declaration that you are aware of your non-conformance, but that you rather break the norms than go through the process 'of putting the stuff on every day'.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explicitly mentioning the non-conformance and your reasons for it will deflate most arguments before they are even voiced and makes it clear that you thought about this beforehand, but decided to go the way you chose anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1648" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T06:52:24.487" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12688" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12697" CreationDate="2018-04-03T07:07:15.597" Score="24" ViewCount="9891" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One similar question is &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4298/how-to-clearly-communicate-that-youre-asking-someone-on-a-date&quot;&gt;How to clearly communicate that you&amp;#39;re asking someone on a date?&lt;/a&gt;, but here my situation is noticeably different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am from India and many girls don't even know that there is a word called &quot;date&quot;. Date is very unpopular in Indian culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a female friend that I've known for 2 years. We mostly communicate through WhatsApp, Facebook, etc. We know the western culture a bit more than other Indians do (we both study in local universities that have some western background, but nothing more than that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to invite her to watch a movie or to go on a one-day trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very uncommon invitation since in our culture two friends (girl and boy) never go watching a film together unless they are boyfriend and girlfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can directly ask it because we are very close. But if she really doesn't like it, our friendship will be damaged. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to make her uncomfortable and I don't want to damage our friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how could I ask her for a date without damaging our friendship and  without making her uncomfortable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3412" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T19:57:04.323" LastActivityDate="2020-08-18T18:27:05.110" Title="How to ask someone on a date when dating isn't usual in your culture?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12689" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12628" CreationDate="2018-04-03T07:15:26.800" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a problem (and I suspect) an impossibility here. You want:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need a way to explain, directly and honestly, with my friend that&#xA;  I'm just not interested him as anything more. I want him to understand&#xA;  that I really, truly am still reeling from the break-up and that I'm&#xA;  not looking for anything real or serious. I'm using these other things&#xA;  as (admittedly poor) coping mechanisms and that's the extent of it.&#xA;  I'd also like to avoid discussing my relationship with the third&#xA;  friend if I can. &lt;strong&gt;I want Bob and myself to be able to be friends&#xA;  afterwards and still have the same relationship we've always had&lt;/strong&gt;, but&#xA;  I don't want it to be awkward between us either. This whole situation&#xA;  is making the process of getting over the break-up a lot more&#xA;  difficult and making me feel really guilty over the whole thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is directly contravened by what you need to do. If you never want to date him, the moral thing is to tell him that as clearly and unambiguously as possible so he and you both know where you stand. Especially since you two know each other for so long, and since you seem to value him as a person, it is the moral and ethical thing to let him know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't expect things to go back to normal between you two, however. You don't know (and can't know) how much of his friendly behavior towards you originally was geared towards eventually dating you, and you can expect that any part of that will disappear following the revelation that you're uninterested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that's a very uncharitable description of Bob. Maybe he really was your friend and just caught feelings. Even then it's unlikely that you two can have the same friendship that you had previously. Getting rejected hurts, getting rejected after nursing a crush for two years hurts exponentially more and can inflict a lot of damage on a friendship. More likely then not, he'll get the message that you don't like him much (well duh, but decoupling friendships and relationships like that doesn't work if you have a crush). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never seen this work when it's been going on so long, among at least a dozen occurences within my friend circle. Almost always the two involved stop talking and hanging out after this. When feelings build up for a long time like this it's very hard to let those go and much harder than if for instance this happened a couple of weeks into getting to know each other. This isn't to be too pessimistic, but you most likely will not be getting back to where you were before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T11:59:10.007" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T11:59:10.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T07:45:16.873" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel like it won't offend the people you're saying this to, you can have a bit of fun by turning around their advice like so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why don't &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; try going without makeup sometime? I think &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; would make you a lot prettier and improve your self-worth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially you're using the same exact reasoning but for not using makeup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, to make fun of their attempt at an &quot;unsolicited sales pitch&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hmm, what are you trying to sell me? Oh, sorry, I'm not interested. I already have everything I need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Or…&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm glad my perfected makeup skills made you think I'm not actually wearing any!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe this lighthearted approach will let you have a bit of fun and subvert the discussion topic in a harmless way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="210" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T07:45:16.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T07:47:51.453" Score="71" Body="&lt;p&gt;To add to the list of suggested rebuttals:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have carefully considered the matter, and decided against it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No justifications, excuses, or reasons.  You have already resolved the issue to your satisfaction, and the person you are addressing has nothing new to add that might cause you to reopen the discussion.  Details will just encourage them to poke at the exact wording while ignoring the bigger picture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do continue to press the issue, add&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I consider the matter settled and will not discuss it further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't dissuade them, they've moved into full rudeness and a more brusque response is called for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Frankly, my personal choices are not your business, any more more than they were the business of the last dozen people who pestered me about them.  Have a nice day!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastEditorUserId="7752" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T04:16:57.403" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T04:16:57.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12688" CreationDate="2018-04-03T08:12:55.940" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I would do in such situation is to try to understand what she expects from a relationship, what she thinks about dates, and so on. You seem to be close friends, so maybe it's the kind of conversation you could have together, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like the idea of dates. I think they're a great way to get to know the person you like. I would like to go on dates with the person I like before becoming his/her boyfriend, because I truly think it can help reinforcing bonds. What do you think about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing this you do not tell her that you have feelings for her, and you ask her &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;Hey, how should a relationship begin according to you? What would you like to do with your SO before getting together?&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;. This could be the kind of conversation friends could have, like if they were asking for advice or something. This would help you having an idea on whether she likes dates and could go on one with you. &lt;strong&gt;The problem of my answer however, is that after that, if you ask her on a date afterwards she'll be certain that you like her and want to have a relationship with her.&lt;/strong&gt; I say this because in my country flirting is not straightforward at all and people can be close for months and go on dates together before one admits he/she likes the other. But if going on a date means trying to begin a relationship for both of you and that she accepts, well there's no problem then!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2020-07-18T13:13:19.630" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T13:13:19.630" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12694" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12688" CreationDate="2018-04-03T08:45:01.077" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on the answer you gave me in the comments, now it's more clear to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you said that the first official date is something like a &quot;test&quot; for your relationship, why not telling her that you would like to do this test? You go out for a movie and then you will see if going on with this or just remain friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you are very close, and I assume that she understands the meaning of a date too, so it shouldn't be a problem to ask her this.. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;what if we go out for a movie / a one-day trip? I really like your company and I would like to make a step forward in our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is always a risk in this kind of requests, as in all boy - girl friendship which ends in such a request: if she says no, the friendship could not be same again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my answer to your question is: if you want to be sure that your friendship will not be damaged, don't ask her, because you will never be sure that her answer will be yes. &#xA;But I think that if you really like her it worths a try. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10527" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T08:45:01.077" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12695" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12749" CreationDate="2018-04-03T09:11:54.733" Score="26" ViewCount="16287" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm living in my apartment for 4 years with my cat and my girlfriend. I have a balcony and since I do I put my cat's litter in there, and I have always left the door to the balcony open so that my cats can go poop and can also walk around without me always opening the door. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind my cat spending time with my neighbours, on the contrary me and my girlfriend are both working all day so I'm very fine with my cat being not being alone the whole day in my apartment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it came to the point where my cat is spending all its time at my very next door neighbor, who is retired and lives alone. I only hear her once a day when she come to do her thing into the litter... My neighbor is feeding her and my cat is getting very fat. She keeps giving my cat some stuff like yoghurt or tuna (from human tin can) and that kind of stuff, no surprise : my cat keeps coming back to her, but it needs some special food for sterilized cat. As you can imagine, what I offer in abundance (sterilized cat food) can't beat what my neighbor has to offer... At the beginning I was fine with it, my cat is a being and I like the idea of her being free to choose whoever she wants to live with, even though it makes me sad, she can choose to live with the old granny next door. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the problem, few weeks ago my cat had some stuff into it's fur, the neighbour came to my place to tell me that may be we should look at it and bring her to the vet... We did it and the vet told us that it was because of the way she was fed. So I came to my neighbour and told her that she had to stop feeding her and that we were going to feed her again. That lasts few days where my cat was curiously way more at my place (what a coincidence!)...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Few weeks later I came to my neighbour to tell her that I'd like to give her the cat for real, so that it was official and I didn't have to think about it anymore as a responsibility of mine. For instance I would be able to go on week end and vacation without thinking of the cat, and I would stop cleaning my cat's poop for nothing. But she didn't want to, she told me it was too much responsibilities and that she would stop feeding her (which she didn't).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is the following :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I get her to stop feeding my cat, without being rude since I already ask her twice. And without jailing my cat.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is not :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;How to feed my cat ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;How can I be more at home ? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Is my cat a good person ? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Shall my GF become a housewife to keep my cat away from the granny next door ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answer shall not include :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Keep your cat inside !&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS : For what I know I feel like my cat made a slave out of the neighbor, she only have to start meowing for the neighbor to do whatever she want to. What she indeed can not do with us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS² : I'm in a good relationship with my neighbor, not to the point where I leave her my keys, but one day I forgot my key and she allowed me to escalate her balcony to get into mine and open my door from the inside. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user14435" LastEditorDisplayName="user14435" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T07:21:45.023" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T10:17:20.563" Title="How can I convince my neighbour to stop feeding my cat (I've already asked twice)?" Tags="&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;pets&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12696" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T09:19:42.387" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a man and, like the other man who's answered, I would go for a direct approach ... but that may not site well for you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Why don't you wear makeup?&quot; - Because I don't like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nice and simple. Straightforward and not aggressive (well, that depends on how you say it!). And, please note that this is not intended to be rude, but to be an authentic answer (i.e. not covering up your actual thoughts &amp;amp; feelings) to a question. If your answer lands with the questioner as freely given, not hiding anything, not attempting any misdirection, not implying any criticism of the question/questioner, etc., then often it will be sufficient for the questioner to be comfortable with your answer. When communicated this way, it can sometimes open the door for the questioner to consider whether they'd like to take on the same point of view (&quot;oh, yes, it's ok not to like wearing the stuff!&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the spin-off questions (why don't you like it? You'd feel better... you'd look better... ) have already been answered by others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16182" LastEditorUserId="16182" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T10:51:23.010" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T10:51:23.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12688" CreationDate="2018-04-03T09:35:08.237" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may be worrying excessively because you are scared of the possible consequences. Of course, if this is important to you then you are right to take care! But you are telling us that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; already believe dating is acceptable, and that you and your friend are already &quot;very close&quot; and both aware of Western culture. You have good reason to believe she could already think the same way as you do on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also said in comments that you have romantic intentions for the &quot;date&quot;, but seem to feel that this would not make you boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know enough about Indian culture but I'm guessing that to be &quot;boyfriend and girlfriend&quot; is more serious than in Western culture - perhaps more like being engaged? Western culture isn't all it is cracked up to be, and real life isn't like the movies. But there is something to be said for getting to know a person well before becoming romantically involved. It sounds like you already know this person fairly well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering all points above, I would say your goal is to &lt;strong&gt;determine how she feels about the Western concept of dating, rather than specifically ask her how she feels about a date with you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As aspects of Western culture are present in your universities, perhaps you could wait for the subject to present itself (or maneuver conversation to some aspect of Westernisation) and ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do you feel about Westernisation / Western culture changing our&#xA;  own culture?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discuss for as long as you wish, and then ask specifically:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are your opinions on dating? Do you think it is a good thing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... and see what she thinks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is positive about it then go straight in and ask her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How would you feel about a date with me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you may need to consider are how your families and friends may view this. If this is not the norm in your culture then you may face a situation where &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; is open to the idea but still may not want to go through with it because of what others may think. You should be understanding if this is the case. If a relationship is what you both really want then it may take time for both of you to work out how you can achieve it given your surroundings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T09:39:55.023" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T09:39:55.023" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12695" CreationDate="2018-04-03T09:39:13.557" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Congratulations, you are a cat owner&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is hardly an interpersonal problem, and it has little to do with your neighbor. She is under no obligation to take over full care of your cat and you can't &quot;force&quot; her to adopt it. If you don't want the cat to go there, ask her not to let the cat in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the real problem here is that you nor your girlfriend have enough time to give the cat attention. You leave the door open so it can go outside, and outside it goes, to the places where it gets attention and food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you neighbor stops caring for it, it will find a new place where it gets attention and food. Either force it to stay inside, or accept the fact that if you don't have time for it, it will find a different place to spend most of its day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;This answer was to the original question, which was drastically different and basically asked &quot;how do I force my neighbour to adopt my cat?&quot;. I'm leaving it here for posterity, but it no longer really answers the new question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4666" LastEditorUserId="4666" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T12:59:13.347" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T12:59:13.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12699" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T09:43:40.193" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that is important to consider is the following: make-up making someone look better is a subjective truth (true or not depending on who you ask). It is true for the person telling you, it is true for 'the norm', but not to you. That it is not true for you, does not make it untrue for them, and it makes neither the objective truth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll compare it to yoghurt with strawberries. Maybe you love putting strawberries in your yoghurt. You think they improve the yoghurt. I don't have to agree with that, though. Maybe I don't like strawberries. Or maybe I love yoghurt on its own. Any reason why you don't want strawberries in your yoghurt is a good one, right? It's your yoghurt after all. I can't tell you how you should like it and you can't tell me how I should like it. It is the same for make-up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't try to argue subjective truths. The people you mention will not respect your truth. If they did, they wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place. Do realize that they probably want to help you. They see you eating youghurt without strawberries and would like to let you know how awesome they are. Mention it in a way they can't dismiss it as being subjective and set boundaries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I currently do not want to invest time and money in learning how to apply make-up&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should they continue to press the matter, follow up with a firm statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I already said no. I prefer spending my time and money on things I find more enjoyable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or one of the phrases from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12664/12101&quot;&gt;Jess K's answer&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="12101" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T10:00:09.377" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T10:00:09.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12695" CreationDate="2018-04-03T10:05:08.787" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I understand well, your neighbour feeds your cat because this latter comes to visit her, and she feeds your cat (way too much). To me, your neighbour is acting out of kindness and doesn't realize that overfeeding your cat has bad consequences on him/her (maybe she thinks that she needs to take care of him/her because you and your girlfriend are away the whole day). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do if I were you is to &lt;strong&gt;go talk to your neighbour&lt;/strong&gt;. You could tell her you noticed that she's taking care of your cat. Explain her kindly that your cat's bad condition is due to the overfeeding - he/she has food at your place plus hers (the fact that she's giving way too much food is something too but if you want to explain her gently, maybe it's not worth mentioning it in the first place). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, &lt;strong&gt;I can't accept the idea of giving her the ultimatum to either adopt your cat or stop taking care of him/her&lt;/strong&gt;. Cats and sentients beings and worth being considered as well. If I had to draw comparisons, I'd say my cat is like my own child, as I consider her as a member of my family. And I wouldn't offer my neigbhor to adopt my child because this latter prefer my neighbor's pecan pie. You can't tell your neighbor to take your child to the doctor because he gave him/her too much sweets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I just saw your comment on Theik's answer) So what you could do is to tell her you noticed that she likes the cat, so it's legitimate to assume she wants the cat's good. &lt;strong&gt;Offer her to welcome your cat (from time to time, not permanently) if she wants to but kindly ask her not to feed the animal, because getting too much food makes him/her sick.&lt;/strong&gt; If she can't accept this deal, then ask her not to take care of your cat. If again this doesn't work, then just stop letting your cat go outdoors but accept the idea that your cat will suffer from it since he/she's used to go outside and that you can't prevent your cat to go check on other people if he/she wants to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T10:05:08.787" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12702" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12725" CreationDate="2018-04-03T11:53:13.990" Score="13" ViewCount="1360" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation is a little bit sensitive. Few days ago I was in restroom at my company, and just went about my business. Then one guy came in to the next urinal (restroom is kind of small, but we have a divider between them). Everything was silent as normal, suddenly he, well, farted so loud. And I just bursted into laughters, like hysterical laughter. I know it's not nice, it's bad, but it was funny at that moment I couldn't help myself. (It is like some Just For Laughs Gags episode)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I looked up to see who this guy was, and to make it worse, this guy happened to be my big boss. And to make it even 'worser', he is around 20 years my senior. If he was my age, we could make a joke about it and shake it off. But he is my boss, I didn't know how to react. And you know how it is, when you are laughing so hard but you try to stop. So I said 'Sorry' and I walked out of the restroom real fast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, my boss is very nice and all. But since the incident, he is kind of tense and uncomfortable around me. Like, when we have meetings, his answers to me are short, not rude or anything, but not like the way he usually is. And for me, after that incident, I just talk to him very normal like before (as my colleagues describe about me like an easy-going, friendly and respectful person). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to shake this thing off with him. I can't and don't want to come up to him and say 'I'm very sorry about the embarrassing situation the other day ...'. Should I just let it like that and hope with time, it will eventually go away? I just don't want my boss to think negative about me just because of, well, this awkward situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16186" LastEditorUserId="16186" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T14:08:36.350" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T14:08:15.230" Title="How to make amends for an (unexpected) embarrassing situation?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12688" CreationDate="2018-04-03T12:38:22.393" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an Indian, and having gone on dates, I would say don't call it a date. Just ask if she would like to go on a &quot;insert activity here&quot; with you. The risk associated with this kind of question is always there, whether you call it a date or not. But not calling it a date gives you and her the flexibility to go on a date without calling it a date- and is less risky. It gives the girl also the flexibility to test your relationship before declaring it to be something. I don't know how old you are or your circumstances, but in India, boy and girl do go on movies by themselves not declaring to be bf/gf. I have gone for movies/concerts with friends who were girls. This happened while we were working together. Some of them are still my friends, one turned to be my wife. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16189" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T12:38:22.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12705" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-03T12:44:14.290" Score="2" ViewCount="1081" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a follower to my &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/11869/how-to-check-the-veracity-of-a-rumor-about-a-relationship&quot;&gt;previous question&lt;/a&gt;, I want to ask a girl I was friends with if she indeed wanted to go out with me. To sum up, there was a rumor stating that she wanted to go out with me, and I want to check if it is true by asking her directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this topic is kind of personal, we were mere friends and have not seen each other for a few months, I would like to know how to &lt;strong&gt;ask her such a thing without sounding too direct or brutal&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm interested in a way of asking her if she had a crush on me as I feel saying &quot;Hi, did you have a crush on me?&quot; is just too blunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, she is at the other side of the country so dating (at least regular dating) is hard and next to impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10435" LastEditorUserId="10435" LastEditDate="2018-04-11T11:59:55.327" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T11:59:55.327" Title="How to ask something personal to someone you have not seen for a while?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-04-08T12:47:04.833" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12706" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12710" CreationDate="2018-04-03T12:53:10.800" Score="44" ViewCount="19472" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Before I begin&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am male&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am in a long term relationship with a woman that I live with&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am in an environment where I frequently meet new people&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The story&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Throughout recent years, I have been in an environment where I frequently meet new people. Some percent of these people are women, and invariably some percentage of these women will initially approach our new friendship with some level of more than friendly interest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently met a woman &quot;Susan,&quot; and initially our conversations were directly related to the work we were mutually involved with. Susan asked for my phone number, and I didn't think much of it because we would need to communicate outside of normal working hours in order to finish a task we were both assigned. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After talking with her for a bit, it became clear that she was attempting some casual flirting and reaching out more than was strictly necessary for the requirements of our work. For example, she would text me late at night when I was home with my girlfriend to tell me about how she is drunk, mention dreams that she had about me, ask me questions about how certain outfits make certain parts of her body look, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am concerned that some of these messages could be misconstrued by my girlfriend as infidelity on my part even though she is aware of the situation, and I would like to make the friendship boundaries with Susan clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I inform Susan that I am in a relationship and that I do not want the conversations to continue in a direction that might jeopardize my current relationship? I don't want to offend her, or dissuade the casual friendship that we already have, but I also want to make the boundaries of my friendship with Susan clear. At the same time, I don't want to come across as &quot;reading too much&quot; into the situation and perceiving flirting where she may only see friendly conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am aware of the fact that I am likely hyper-vigilant of anything that could be construed as flirting because I am in a relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I use texting, a profile pic would certainly make this easier. Maybe I could start inviting new people to my social media accounts, where my relationship status is clearly displayed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In previous situations like this, usually I just directly bring up that I am in a relationship when I feel that things have gone too far, but I have always felt that was a bit awkward and could be handled better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T00:37:08.373" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T00:37:08.373" Title="How do I tell someone I recently met that I am in a relationship?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12706" CreationDate="2018-04-03T13:04:23.720" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;The trick here is to discourage her without harming the work relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you continue being polite to Susan, but make sure to passively communicate a lack of interest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she invites you out, politely refuse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she messages you about something not work related take a good, long while to reply, or even chide her that the message is not work related.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the opportunity comes up, casually mention having plans with your girlfriend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you can reject any and all advances as gently as possible. The downside is that it may take a few conversations for you to get an opportunity to gracefully mention that you're in a relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone starts up making you uncomfortable by being a little &lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt; forward you should come out and say that you're taken:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Susan, your interest is flattering, but I'm in a relationship. I'd like to keep our relationship professional. Thank you for understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T13:04:23.720" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12709" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12705" CreationDate="2018-04-03T13:04:54.543" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been out of the dating scene for a long time now.  However, one thing that I would do, were I to jump back into that particular pool, would be to stress less about asking someone out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it: you're not asking for lifetime commitment- you're just asking for them to spend some time with you.  They can either approve or deny your request and how you stay in relationship to each other is up to you.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than overthinking things and hoping, the first step is to accept that there are one of 3 possible outcomes: she will say &quot;no&quot;, she will say &quot;yes&quot; and you'll discover that it wasn't that enjoyable for one or two of you, she will say &quot;yes&quot; and you both enjoy the time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So.  Now that we've simplified the possible outcomes, let's look at how to get to the one you hope for.  If it were me, now, asking a girl out, I'd first select something that I enjoy and something that I think she will enjoy.  Then it's a matter of saying &quot;Hey, I'm going to the home and boat show this weekend.  Wanna come with?&quot;  &quot;I was going to go the range and do a little target practice. &#xA; Interested?&quot;  &quot;A couple buddies are playing 'Campaign for North Africa'.  Feel like commanding an army?&quot;  &quot;I was going to go to the State Park and hike out to the beaver dam.  Feel like being outside for a couple hours?&quot;  Now you're inviting her to do something you were going to do anyway and the pressure's off.  Even if she doesn't enjoy it, you will, so you can get to 2 of 3 possible outcomes.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, you're direct, but you're direct about inviting her along to something you already had planned.  If she says &quot;no&quot;, you're still going to do something fun and you're not as invested emotionally.  And she can say, &quot;sorry, I'm not interested in boats/shooting/games that last 1500 hours/large rodents&quot; and she's turning down the activity and not YOU.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T13:04:54.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12706" CreationDate="2018-04-03T13:13:31.497" Score="168" Body="&lt;p&gt;Undoubtedly you and Susan talk about things that are not related to work.  Assume that the conversation goes on about a popular band that is touring.  You could simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I would love to take my girlfriend to that concert she loves that band and she would think it very special if I take her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you need to do is mention your GF in a kind way and not participate in the flirting.  Most Susans will then back off as they are not interested in someone who is already in a committed relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For others you may need to be a bit stronger, but still the same thing will work.  A brazen Susan might say something like:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That shirt really makes your eyes look dreamy...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your response could be: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you, my girlfriend Joanne picked it out for me.  She really likes me in this color.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5061" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T13:13:31.497" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T13:52:07.103" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;We've got some good answers, but there's one nuance that I feel is missing (and is too long for a comment).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your feelings towards makeup are your own opinion, and you have every right to feel the way you do. These people aren't respecting that, so you need to directly address that problem if you want them to stop with the least amount of conflict. Here are some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why don't you wear makeup?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't like it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;But it would make you feel/look better!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm perfectly happy without it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Let me just give you a makeover once and you'll see!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not even slightly interested, and I wish you would just respect that and move on.&quot; (This should be the furthest it goes, it would take someone really dense to keep up the siege. But if they do...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[any further prodding]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Look, I've told you several times now that I'm not interested. You are [really getting on my nerves/being extremely rude/taking this way too far/etc], so just drop it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point you have laid out the facts, pointed out their rude behavior (without being toxic), and given a hard-stop condition. If for whatever reason they &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; won't let it go, terminate the conversation and leave them. You will have your dignity intact, and they will look (and probably feel) foolish for not respecting a simple opinion. Unless they are a very toxic individual, they will almost certainly never bring it up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But really, anyone reasonable would stop way before that point, so if they can't, you might reconsider your relationship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T13:52:07.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12695" CreationDate="2018-04-03T14:42:10.407" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note about cats&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though it's always a bit preferable to let cats go outside and not &quot;jail&quot; them inside an apartment (depending on how big your apartment is), cats are perfectly able to remain healthy and happy as indoor cats. Thing is, &lt;strong&gt;habbits&lt;/strong&gt;. Cats are habbit animals, and you can always re-educate it to not go outside anymore. Sure it'll beg to go outside for a few days/weeks, but once its accommodated to its new lifestyle, it &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be fine. Not telling you to give your cat the perpetuity sentence, but you know, just saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You own a cat and you need to give it the attention it requires, several vets including my favorite and current one told me that a happy cat is a cat that gets at least 30-45min of attention/playtime with its owner &lt;strong&gt;per day&lt;/strong&gt;, with &quot;Food As A Service&quot; and the cat should never have to beg or hunt to find its food, this is very important because if you give your cat its food only to its demand, it will obviously go elsewhere where food is. Give it toys that allow it to play by itself without needing you all the time (that's where you can be creative with that), and use lasers/interactive toys with it when you're in your daily 30-45min of playtime, it's your responsibility as a cat owner after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I own a cat myself and it is an indoor-cat, he is very happy and healthy, he does have a special kind of fiber-rich diet because he would tend to eat a little too much, so the vet made us feed it these. His fur is shiny and silky smooth. And my gf and I play with him very often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally have toys that make bell-ish sounds and when the cat hears it, it just barges in the place in sub-second times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About neighbours&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now as mentionned before, this is hardly an IPS question, unless you would like advice on how to deal with this situation with your neighbor who refuses to fully legitimately become your cat's owner, or fully stop feeding it behind your back, which you cannot force her to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I think a good first step is to directly explain to your neighbor that paying vet fees and special diet food to your cat is not compatible with the way she decides to feed your cat. But the best way to keep your cat is to take care of it as well as you can, cats go where the love and food is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: read the new comments and agreed with what was said, especially the fact that your cat made a slave out of your neighbor, and you should tell your neighbor that your cat is really not unhappy and just being overly greedy and gluttony on food. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe try getting it fiber rich diet like I mentioned in my post earlier, in an unconventional type of plate, I for example have a cylindric plate, in which is stored its food, and the cylinder is pierced at only a few places, so the cat has to work and make the cylinder roll around on the floor to get its food at the same time, this keeps your cat occupied to preserve its primal &quot;hunting&quot; instincts and lets you control its weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12104" LastEditorUserId="12104" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T14:54:14.313" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T14:54:14.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12706" CreationDate="2018-04-03T17:14:26.187" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After talking with her for a bit, it became clear that she was attempting some casual flirting and reaching out more than was strictly necessary for the requirements of our work&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right at this point in your conversation with her you insert &quot;you flirt just like my girlfriend&quot; or bring up in anyway that you feel comfortable with that you are in a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just say that you have a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife as soon as it becomes apparent someone is interested in you. If you wait the more awkward that person is going to feel when you finally bring it up or they discover it from someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Indeed if you ever find yourself in a situation with a person, that you could consider an &quot;opportunity&quot; if you were single, you should bring up casually in some way that your not available. If your married your wedding ring should do the trick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At the same time, I don't want to come across as &quot;reading too much&quot; into the situation and perceiving flirting where she may only see friendly conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is over thinking. You don't need to explain anything. You just need to bring up that you are in a relationship, not in the context of lets talk Susan, but just simply in passing. When its time to go home, throw in my girlfriend is waiting at home, have to pick up my girlfriend etc. It is just a fact of your life that you have a girlfriend, simply wear it on your sleeve a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after that Susan is still flirting with you with those uncomfortable overtones, you don't care if your response makes her feel awkward... but that's context for another question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12720" LastEditorUserId="12720" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T18:18:35.303" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T18:18:35.303" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12627" CreationDate="2018-04-03T17:16:32.277" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an avid chess player as well, and one of the things that helps me to feel better about a game I lost is to have my opponent show me the missteps I made, as well as the &quot;star moves&quot; that I made during the game. If she's serious about getting better, this is the move to make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the uninitiated, this is a common practice in the chess world known as the &lt;strong&gt;post-mortem&lt;/strong&gt;. A post-mortem is a chess game analysis that takes place immediately after the game's conclusion. Since formal settings for chess almost always require that both players keep a record of all of the moves made during the chess game (and give leeway for personal notes and analysis on the score sheet for later use), it is very easy to talk to your opponent about how the game could have gone better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good way to start a conversation about having a post-mortem is to just ask. She's clearly interested in improving, so there's no harm in pointing out where she needs improvement. Make sure to be a source of encouragement for her as she improves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, that was good game. You improved quite a bit in a few areas since last time. I also noticed that you had me a bit trapped at a few parts, namely at [position], and it seems like you have gotten better at putting me in that type of position since last time. I was able to take the advantage back when I noticed you had a weakness in [position or her following move]. If you improve on these parts, I'm sure it will get a lot tougher for me in the future. What do you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, edit the discussion as needed. If she didn't trap you at all, for example, you could point out that you were able to see her plans and push past them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this particular scenario, with a formal chess academy playing chess together in small personalized groups, the best answer is the &lt;strong&gt;post-mortem&lt;/strong&gt;, with follow-up and encouragement as the games go on and her skill improves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15627" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T17:16:32.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12635" CreationDate="2018-04-03T18:34:23.727" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hi and welcome to the Netherlands! (I'm Dutch myself)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually when someone greets you with a simple &quot;hi&quot; (or a similarly short greeting) it means that they're just being friendly, but are not looking to start a conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the greeting has a follow up (usually a question) it often indicates that this person is interested in a conversation. For example something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, how are you doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same applies when you want to start a conversation yourself. When someone replies to your question with just a short answer, it usually means they're not interested in a conversation. Otherwise they'll just tell you they're not interested (don't have time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And like WordsandNumbers said, don't be afraid to ask. Especially your friends/acquaintances, they'll probably understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, please note that Dutch people can be quite direct when talking to you. It might come across as rude, but it's just the way we are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16204" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T18:34:23.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12606" CreationDate="2018-04-03T18:45:30.697" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Go ahead and ask her out.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're too young to be worried about corporate policy BS.  Its a part time job.  Unless you and your family desperately need the income from this part time job to survive, you have very little to lose.  And I'd think it extraordinarily unlikely you'd be fired for simply asking her out.  Even if she says no, its unlikely she'd complain to a manager.  Just respect her wishes if she declines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6226" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T18:45:30.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T19:22:08.647" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer is based on central europe culture and for groups where a certain level of sarcasm is acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So you think I look that awful I need to mask it or wear a paperbag on my face?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This ridiculously offensive answer clearly explains how offensive message they delivered to you right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel great without it and Bob likes it as well. He is the one I care about the most, but thanks for asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People usually adjust their appearance to impress target person(s) and/or display their mood or (political) opinion - If you clearly state who is your target group and what is their opinion about your appearance your wise advisors shall shut up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do I comment on your appearance? No? I would appreciate you don't do it either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This clearly shows your attitude toward such comments and advices. Works only if you seldom or never comment on their appearance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastEditorUserId="9991" LastEditDate="2018-11-13T11:40:24.820" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T11:40:24.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12702" CreationDate="2018-04-03T19:43:44.080" Score="9" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Don't bring it up.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it may have been a little immature to laugh at a loud fart in the bathroom, your boss isn't dumb enough to not get it. He knows why you laughed; farts are funny. At worst, he rolled his eyes about the situation. Remember, he's a big boss. He has far more important things on his mind than some dork laughing about a fart in the bathroom. If he's petty enough to hold it against you, you have far bigger problems with your boss than this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should add that &lt;strong&gt;the worst thing you can do is tell others about this&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't ask advice from coworkers, or tell anyone because it's funny. Doing that crosses the line from innocent laugh in private, to spreading hurtful information about your boss. If you were to tell people he would have every right to be upset with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If for some crazy reason he brings up (he won't) and is upset, absolutely apologize. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was me, I would do my best to act extra professional around him for a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7165" LastEditorUserId="7165" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T21:00:11.670" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T21:00:11.670" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12726" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12655" CreationDate="2018-04-03T19:46:09.093" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You cannot avoid such question at all. Actually, you can - avoid any conversation with anybody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can do is to try to difuse the tension caused by a such rude question. From your other hints it is clear thet he does not deserve your worry about his feelings at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can &quot;answer&quot; with annoyed humm, or &quot;yeah, whatever&quot; and ingore him at all focusing on much more interesting topic. That clearly states who you care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also respond only to a part of his comment: Yes, women here are beautiful. And smart, if you are willingfull to listen. This partial acceptance should prevent him to be offended (much) while the other part clearly states yor disproval of the offensive part. If you want to talk to him, ask about completely different (whatever-phobic-free) topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T19:46:09.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12727" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12740" CreationDate="2018-04-03T19:50:05.870" Score="11" ViewCount="1445" Body="&lt;p&gt;A bit of context - I never finished university (I got to the stage where I had completed all courses and had my engineering thesis to complete - I didn't because I focused on work and getting appropriate certifications and courses relevant for my chosen career path) - I plan to somewhere in the future, however it is not on my priority list right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's come to a point where I don't even want to visit anyone (my parents, aunts, brothers etc.) anymore because I know the major topic is going to be my education situation - and it's things like &quot;you're going to end a beggar&quot;, &quot;no one will respect you&quot; and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deep down I restrain myself from telling them that I already am better off and with better prospects than any of them without being half their age, but I don't want to say it like that, because I believe that will make them defensive and even meaner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would like to convey to them that this is my chosen path, those are my priorities, I do very well in life&lt;/strong&gt; without making it about comparisons between our lives or being plainly rude to make them stop harassing me about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16208" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T20:40:39.540" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T20:40:39.540" Title="My family is ridiculing me because I didn't graduate university" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;poland&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T19:51:12.773" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Male here, for what it's worth. I don't wear makeup, but like everyone here I interact with humans who often don't think before they speak - myself included.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joking aside, as I was reading your question of the comments people make when they try to convince you to wear makeup is how &lt;em&gt;rude&lt;/em&gt; it is to make those implications. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why would you say something so rude to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sincerely ask, what gives? No need to smile and cheerfully feign how delighted you are about having this conversation for the 402842835 time. By asking and not telling them &quot;you're being rude&quot;, you put the onus on them to think about what they've just said, and justify it after you've made it clear they've said something offensive to you, and defend themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6871" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T19:51:12.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12730" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-03T20:10:48.130" Score="11" ViewCount="3425" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my co-workers transitioned a year ago and she's really happy to be a woman, to finally being herself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, she's putting too short skirt and short... I know that she's going through a revival, feeling like a teenager etc but it's not appropriate in an conservative office environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She's so happy but still lacks confidence, so how can we talk to her about that?&lt;/strong&gt; We know people will probably saying that it's not our business, that we just have to look elsewhere... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And just to be loud and clear... the fact that she's trans has nothing to do what so ever in our opinion! It's just that's an explanation of why this situation is more recent, and why we want to approach it sensitively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16210" LastEditorUserId="16210" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T20:55:51.660" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T15:13:08.383" Title="How to tell a coworker to dress more appropriately for the office" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;age&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-03T20:21:44.533" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the issue is that, underlying the minds of those making these types of rude statements, this actually isn't about you. It's about their perception of either social norms, or something related to them trying to assert their dominance and either put you down publicly or force you to conform.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who varies how much makeup she wears (and who also still sometimes gets some interesting life &quot;choices&quot; questions about things like her sexuality, which builds up a certain degree of related conversational practice), and feels it's entirely a personal choice and more power to anyone who doesn't care to wear any, I have a range of responses depending on how I feel about the way someone is commenting, but the key is that they all focus on one thing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Start from a platform of having nothing you need to &lt;em&gt;justify&lt;/em&gt; to anyone else in this, and NEVER lose sight of that.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is often easier said than done, especially for anyone who is generally polite and cares about how others feel and think in the empathetic sense, and themselves likes to &lt;em&gt;understand&lt;/em&gt; people and the world around them. Because it's easy to want to try imparting that understanding of your own choices and actions to others. Which would be fine if that were the most important thing here, but it's sadly generally not once someone has asked a question like this to begin with, no matter how &quot;innocently&quot; it were couched.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone who &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; had you or your feelings in mind would never have asked a question like this in the first place, and certainly would not have done so without providing &lt;strong&gt;clear&lt;/strong&gt; cues that they were actually approving of your choices first and foremost, and simply curious about them as a fairly close friend or similar level of very close acquaintance. (e.g. at least something like &quot;I wish I was comfortable just going without makeup, it must be nice?&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that as soon as you start approaching this as something you can or should &lt;em&gt;justify,&lt;/em&gt; it turns into a debate. This isn't a debate. This is your choice, about your body, and your life. So the key is making sure that you're responding with statements which simply aren't open to debate, and if things still can't be headed off, possibly going so far as calling out the purpose or nature of the questions used rather than your own choice in not wearing makeup. That last is going to depend a lot on the social situation and how you feel about the person asking, and whether it's worth really slamming that door in their face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way is to make statements that place it firmly in the realm of your feelings, and only in positive senses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&quot;&lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; feel better without it.&quot;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No, &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; feel better without it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;strong&gt;Because&lt;/strong&gt; I feel better without it. [and at this point follow immediately with a blatant change of topic to the weather, work, or whatever]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This immediately shuts down anything else, because those are your feelings, and you're not wavering with expressing your perspective in that framing. You're not giving &quot;reasons&quot; (which can easily be taken instead as &quot;excuses&quot; from the other person's perspective), you're not rationalizing, you're simply and directly stating how you feel. Any response other than &quot;Oh.&quot; (including a repeated &quot;Why?&quot;) can certainly be met with an &quot;&lt;em&gt;Excuse&lt;/em&gt; me?&quot; or something of a similar nature, because no one else gets to tell you how you feel, or imply that your own experienced feelings are not &lt;em&gt;legitimate&lt;/em&gt; as actually being your feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyone who tries to dissuade you at this point is being openly and overtly rude, and short of a social situation that requires more finesse, I'd generally say feel free to tell them so either directly and literally, or somewhat less directly but still quite obviously, such as &quot;Well it's nice that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel that way&quot; and hopefully moving on at that point, in one way or another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If met with things such as that &quot;well have you tried…&quot; then the response, if you want to even give it, is quite &lt;em&gt;simply&lt;/em&gt; repeating &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; feel better without makeup.&quot; No clarifications, &lt;strong&gt;no attempts at engaging the point they are trying to make.&lt;/strong&gt; Disengage with a solid platform of your own positive feelings for your choice, without any rationalizations or explanations, change the topic, and let it drop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still can't take either a hint or clear direction about it, I'd personally feel free to interpret it as intentional and move on to making it about them if you aren't ready to just walk away (which is the smarter choice if you don't want to most likely burn bridges at this point), because let's be honest: that's what this was &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; about from the start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly I personally would not feel that being mildly passive aggressive in response to someone commenting on your makeup or &quot;lack&quot; thereof, of all things, is entirely wrong, especially if it's gone past the point of you stating your feelings and holding that ground: it's incredibly passive if not overtly aggressive to negatively comment on someone's appearance in that way in the first place, and it's definitely worse to not drop it after getting a response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One approach is to flip the tables: for every time they ask a question about you, don't answer it directly and instead ask them why they would say that, and whether they're trying to be critical of how you look. &lt;strong&gt;Focus the conversation back on them, entirely.&lt;/strong&gt; If they reply with no, feel free to jump back to asking why they would do that then. Also feel free to inject it with an air of incredulity that they would be so rude as to continue to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another is to even more openly ask them whether they've thought about how this is supposed to make you feel, and what their point really is. Generally if things have progressed this far, I ask how they would feel if &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; started commenting negatively about &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; makeup… &quot;choices.&quot; I also try to avoid letting things go this far. It's meant to be an exercise in building empathy and focusing on the flow of the interaction and how it makes someone feel rather than your personal choice, but I find frequently that the exercise is lost on most people who wouldn't back off sooner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if someone really won't let it go, there's leaving a cutting response and then walking away. @LinuxBlanket's &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12663/how-do-i-deal-with-people-trying-to-convince-me-to-wear-makeup#answer-12672&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; could easily have some repercussions, but if you're past the point of wanting to be amicable because someone can't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer and &lt;em&gt;continues&lt;/em&gt; to be rude after the first attempt to shut them down, it's not entirely inappropriate either at a point like this, but I try to avoid doing it unless I'm really sure that's how I want to present &lt;em&gt;myself&lt;/em&gt; in this situation. Being rude in response to someone else being rude easily turns into a situation where now you're the one accused of being rude. Sometimes it's also the only way to get someone who keeps offering &quot;friendly&quot; advice that isn't friendly at all to leave you alone, but it's worth being sure you want that type of outcome before really pushing back like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11794" LastEditorUserId="11794" LastEditDate="2018-04-04T15:46:12.763" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T15:46:12.763" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12727" CreationDate="2018-04-03T20:22:25.817" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could start by pointing out the fact that neither Bill Gates nor Steve Jobs graduated from college or university either, that you're not going to wind up a beggar because you already have a job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may tell them that your focus is to lock down your career first, then get the education along the way, that you haven't given up on anything but are taking your own path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the topic of respect comes up, you can tell them &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My family will always love and respect me, and that is what matters to me, not the opinions of strangers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is hard, I know.  I do not have a degree either, and for the same reason.  I am doing well in my career as it is and don't really need one.  There is no shame in that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T20:22:25.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12730" CreationDate="2018-04-03T20:37:32.060" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not your job to tell someone how to dress for the office, unless it is. As in, if you're this person's direct supervisor, or human resources person, you may have to address the situation according to company policy, &lt;strong&gt;otherwise you probably shouldn't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is your job, try to focus on what is and isn't appropriate attire for your office, the fact that they're trans shouldn't come into the conversation. It's plainly unprofessional, and it's not really the point. Speak to them like you would any other person who showed up dressed inappropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not bother them if this is just your personal opinion. Do not bother them if your office does not have a dress code. And do not bother them if it isn't your job to do so. Crossing any of those lines will likely make you look a bit prudish and overbearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it isn't your job, and you &lt;em&gt;really must&lt;/em&gt; do something, speak to your supervisor, or appropriate HR person. This is a company culture issue, not a personal preference or interpersonal issue. Like many things, appropriate dress is really very opinion based. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T20:37:32.060" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12695" CreationDate="2018-04-03T20:38:49.177" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My summary of the current situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You like to let your cat wander free&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your neighbor likes (over)feeding your cat when it wanders free&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your cat's health is at risk if it's overfed, and it's already had a vet-worthy problem due to this overfeeding&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've already explained the situation to your neighbor once, and they did stop feeding the cat for a short while after you talked with them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's be real here, your cat LOVES eating, and your neighbor seems to love all the affection your cat shows them when they feed it. &#xA;It's a perfect storm of grandma-syndrome (feed the grandkids tons of cookies and sugar,) just with a cat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Assuming good faith, the most obvious conclusion I've reached is that your neighbor really doesn't understand how serious the health problems of overfeeding will be for your cat.&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;Either that or they have absolutely no willpower. I think the first conclusion is more correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To deal with this, you'll have to bring up the seriousness of the over-feeding problem, and you'll have to &lt;strong&gt;keep bringing it up until your neighbor finally understands the severity of the issue.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;This may take some time - habits take time to break even with a lot of desire, and your neighbor really doesn't want to stop getting love from your cat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, it may be the case that your neighbor can't/won't ever stop feeding your cat for good. You will then have to choose:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can keep reminding your neighbor frequently enough that the overfeeding doesn't pose a serious health problem. &#xA;The previous reminder worked for a while, so if you're willing to keep reminding your neighbor, then the cat should be more or less okay.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can keep your cat inside. Yes, I know you said that wasn't an option - too bad, the situation may demand it. &#xA;As much as it's better for your cat to wander outside and have fun, it's the wrong thing to do if it's guaranteed to results in your cat dying or suffering.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1758" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T20:38:49.177" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12737" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12730" CreationDate="2018-04-03T20:54:21.060" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best answer I've ever heard is from a temp agency telling a young worker to dress professionally.  'I am dressed professionally!'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Not &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; profession...'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is whether you are in a position of authority or not and whether the company has dress standards or not.  If you are not, and do not have a strong relationship with her, and there are no dress standards, then this might be perceived as harassment.  Let her manager deal with this; that's their job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's assume that the two of you have a good relationship.  Then it's conceivable to chat with them and say, &quot;Hey, I'm happy for you and the change.  I wanted to point out to you how the other women dress here.  Personally I don't really care but I'd suggest dressing like they do before your boss notices and says something.&quot;  Be friendly, honest, and open.  After all, you're her friend and want to help her fit in there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're the boss, and you have a corporate dress policy, then it's also pretty easy.  Have a printed copy of it handy and have a private constructive chat.  &quot;I've noticed the change.  I am happy for you; I suspect you weren't aware of our corporate policy on dress so I wanted to take a moment and make you aware of it.  It's here and can be found [here].&quot;  The big thing here is to ensure that you aren't doing so publicly and that you hold her to the exact same standards as you do anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you don't have much of a relationship, and there's no policy:  There's not a lot you can do.  To handle this from an interpersonal skills perspective, you need to have her respect.  To do so, I'd suggest engaging with her over time.  Be supportive.  Don't do anything that could be perceived as harassing or threatening.  Develop a relationship with her where she sees you as someone she trusts.  Then, and only after you have a strong sense of trust, can you talk to her privately and point out that she's dressing differently from the other women in the office and it's not the culture you have observed.  Don't judge; talk about facts and be helpful and supportive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One note: there should be no difference here between how you'd talk to a woman and a trans woman, unless you're helping with the transition itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T20:54:21.060" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12727" CreationDate="2018-04-03T20:57:39.757" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing you need to be aware of is that your relatives may be annoying but right.  You say that finishing your degree is not a priority for you right now.  The problem is that it may be too late if it ever does become one, and it becomes increasingly harder to get this over with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also need to be aware that you'll get less pay without a degree and be let go in case of problems sooner: when upper management has to perform cuts, they'll do so first on less valued or less permanent employees, and without a degree, you are likely to be in a smaller pay class and be considered more volatile.  Also there will be less of an incentive to give you pay raises or any other incentive or benefits since not having a degree makes it harder for you to move elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, this is stupid but stupidity rules the world.  Now people will point out famous entrepreneurs never having finished their degrees: of course if you end up running your own company, nobody will ask about your degrees.  However, there is little point in betting your livelihood on a really rare kind of success when a reasonable backup is in comparatively easy reach: after all, you already finished almost all of the requisite work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to silencing annoying people: acknowledge their point before deflecting them.  A degree puts you on a different career path than a non-degree, and you very much make it sound as though the kind of perseverance and focus expected from a graduate is not readily accessible to you, so the kind of career paths and responsibilities connected with the different position and pay a degree would afford you would be more detrimental on your personal life than the advantages could offset.  That turns the base of your decision from &quot;not a priority&quot; to &quot;not a good idea&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it that?  If so, it might be a more sobering sell than the &quot;not priority&quot; bit.  And people might still think they owe it to you to convince you otherwise.  But it might help you if you yourself have a less evasive stance about your choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16214" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T20:57:39.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12740" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12727" CreationDate="2018-04-03T21:06:53.153" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;...this is my chosen path, those are my priorities, I do very well in life&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There you have it.  You have the message you want to convey; now it's about how you convey it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, be confident!  It's your path, not theirs.  &quot;you're going to end a beggar&quot;  &quot;I'm confident I won't; I'm sorry you feel that way&quot;.  &quot;No one will respect you.&quot; &quot;You mean I'll lose the respect of the people that rely on me now?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not worth arguing with people about this.  You've got your message; now just keep repeating it.  &quot;It's my path.  I'm doing OK but thanks for your input&quot;.   The more you try to convince people that you are doing OK, the more defensive you sound.  So don't go down that road.  Merely state that you are doing well and happy with what you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just me, but if someone told me I was going to be a beggar, I'd respond with &quot;And I'll be the best dang beggar around!&quot;  Generally, once people see that they can't provoke you into an argument, they'll quit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T21:06:53.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12727" CreationDate="2018-04-03T21:07:37.350" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put the focus on yourself, your field, and how you fit into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make comparisons between you and them. Instead, talk about your situation by mentioning the changes in your life you've managed to make with your career: &quot;I just got a new apartment&quot;, &quot;I bought a car&quot;, &quot;I'll pay off my student debt in just a month!&quot;, etc. Whomever you're talking to will be able to make the comparison themselves without feeling like you're insulting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on your field, you may want to mention that workplace experience is often more important in the hiring process of senior positions especially if your field is one that often has many openings available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'd go with something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not worried about finishing university; I'm in a comfortable position with a comfortable salary and I assure you that with my experience and training that I will have no trouble consistently holding a job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an added note, I find that mentioning anecdotes and statistics will often make you seem more defensive by virtue of other people thinking you had to prepare just to defend yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, unless you're an extremely successful millionaire, don't mention the myth of the college dropout (see: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, etc.). That's just pretentious and people &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; interpret that as you comparing yourself to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10240" LastEditorUserId="10240" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T21:13:18.363" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T21:13:18.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12727" CreationDate="2018-04-03T21:25:04.143" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You live in a family of emotional manipulators.  This is a very common thing. There is no easy solution to this problem. They are invested in manipulating you and will not listen to any arguments that your choices are valid. Attempting to explain your choices will probably only end in frustration as you come to see that they are not listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not recommend that you spend much time considering the possibility that they might be correct.  Phrases like &quot;you're going to end a beggar&quot; and &quot;no one will respect you&quot; are emotional arguments; they are designed to short-circuit your logical reasoning and sway you to doing what they want rather than what you want.  People interested in logical discussion never use such phrases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I see it you have two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Accept that what they are doing is wrong.  This is not an easy option.  You can find self-help books and online interest groups for dealing with emotional manipulation.  Therapy can be useful and I would recommend it.  This will be a long hard battle and can end up in estrangement.  You will at least retain your dignity, and some of your family may sympathize and remain friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Accept that what they are doing to you is a fact of life. They will never change and interactions with them will continue to be like this. This is not fun, but it has the advantage that you get to keep interacting with your family, even if you don't enjoy all the interactions. Also, there's less chance of disappointment, since you have low expectations to begin with.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you decide, I hope you take the opportunity to learn that this sort of behavior is emotional abuse, and that you eschew such behavior, yourself.  And that if/when you have children, you teach them not to abuse others in this way or to put up with being abused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13614" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T21:25:04.143" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12744" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12746" CreationDate="2018-04-03T21:28:35.803" Score="1" ViewCount="428" Body="&lt;p&gt;Okay, so this little &quot;lol r4nd0m m3m35t3r XDXDXDXD&quot; I know keeps spamming me with a bunch of useless, irritating, and non-funny &quot;memes,&quot; to which my response is asking her to kindly not do that, and to act like she is a rational human being who isn't constantly trying to grab attention by pretending to be funny. This is a serious question I need answered and I really want to put a stop to this. The &quot;lol random&quot; thing she's going through is hopefully a phase and she'll maybe grow out of it, but seeing her act like this out of nowhere after 3-4 years of me knowing her, and her &lt;em&gt;not acting like this&lt;/em&gt; really does annoy me. I've asked her to stop sending me these things and to kindly stop talking about it all the time (as I don't like it), but she never listens. Help? (Please note: I know there is another question like this, but none of the answers seemed to fit exactly what I needed)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16218" LastEditorUserId="16218" LastEditDate="2018-04-03T21:46:35.250" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T21:58:21.067" Title="How do I get someone to stop liking/spamming memes?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-04-04T01:25:01.907" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12744" CreationDate="2018-04-03T21:58:21.067" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the only thing likely to be effective is the obvious thing. Tell her you will block her for 3 days every time she sends something stupid.  Then do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She'll be mad; she'll tell you that you are over-reacting.  You aren't.  You made a reasonable request, and she ran right over it. So stick to your guns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T21:58:21.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12727" CreationDate="2018-04-03T22:01:37.127" Score="2" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them how you feel. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them about your job but don't compare yourself to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's come to a point where I don't even want to visit anyone (my parents, aunts, brothers etc.) anymore because I know the major topic is going to be my education situation - and it's things like &quot;you're going to end a beggar&quot;, &quot;no one will respect you&quot; and such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them that their continued (unfounded) claims about your possible future are making it so you don't want to visit them any more. &lt;strong&gt;They should know that.&lt;/strong&gt; They're your family and they (apparently) care about you enough to pester you about your potential future - let them know that their pestering has bothered you to the point that your potential future may not include them... or will include them much less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My interest in visiting you is low because all that happens when I do is that you pester me about finishing my degree. You don't ask questions about how my life is, you just assume that it will fail. I understand that you're concerned about my future and I appreciate that. I'm not. I hope that we can move past this because I generally enjoy being around you but not if this is the only thing you want to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would hope that understanding how much it's upsetting you to be constantly bothered about a future that is unlikely to happen would encourage them to clam up. It's unclear if this is more serious or teasing behavior from them but, either way, it's making you uncomfortable and you don't have to hide that from them. That said, telling them so will potentially lead to more arguments if you don't also explain why you feel secure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's where the second point comes in... they're &lt;em&gt;obviously&lt;/em&gt; concerned about you and interested in your success, so tell them about how successful you are - without comparing yourself to them. Many people don't necessarily understand the work others do, they just have a nebulous concept of it and they make assumptions based on what they know (or don't know). They often ascribe their preconceived ideas about one thing to something completely unrelated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be willing to fix this. Tell them about your job, the prospects you have in it. Talk about how comfortable you feel in your profession for the time being and - if you have any info about it - talk about what the standard expectations are from people in the field. Perhaps having experience or subject matter expertise is more valuable than a degree... Come armed with some actual info.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is to make this a discussion rather than an &quot;I'm listening to you complain about my life without being willing to listen to me&quot; session. Let them &lt;em&gt;ask questions&lt;/em&gt; and you answer them. If you don't have the answers, do some web searching to find them together. The more they understand, the better they'll accept your choice... and then you can always mention that, if it's necessary to move forward that you have a university degree, you will finish your degree. Perhaps a future job will even offer to allow you to do so while you're working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T22:01:37.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12695" CreationDate="2018-04-03T23:09:22.060" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;Clearly, the answer is to tell your neighbor that your cat has a medical condition, and needs a special brand of food. Buy an extra bag or two of that food and give it to your neighbor and tell her that if she wants to feed your pet, to use this food instead, so that your cat's medical condition may improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now your cat has love, your cat is healthy, you can go on vacations, and your neighbor can share her love - everyone's a winner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12939" LastActivityDate="2018-04-03T23:09:22.060" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-04T01:28:10.083" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may be beneficial to flip the power dynamic. It's a vulnerable moment being told that having a natural look is not up to societal norms. Here on SE we know you're confident about not wearing make up so maybe we can put this issue back into &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to your original comments to people, you could follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I ever change my mind and become interested in the crazy world of make up, you'll be the first person I ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This technique is saying &quot;I'm acknowledging your desire to give me make up advice &lt;strong&gt;but&lt;/strong&gt; I'll take it on &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; terms&quot;.  Before, people feel as though they can provide unsolicited advice but you take that power back by taking an active role. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they persist, this is still a valid excuse or statement to make. The ball is in your court to ask for make up advice and we know you have no intention of changing your mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11298" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T01:28:10.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12730" CreationDate="2018-04-04T03:16:48.053" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a senior manager in an office environment with a relatively strict dress code, which is related to the work we do and exists for a good reason,and I have in the past spoken to people about their dress, including wearing too revealing clothes. However, even though it is part of my role to enforce the dress code, I would be cautious and I take advice from HR before I even approached someone about their dress and I would not accept people in my teams trying to regulate other people's dress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By approaching this person yourself, unless it is part of your role, you are opening yourself up to accusations of harassment and/or discrimination. You say the fact the person in trans is not relevant to you, however that ignores that it may well be relevant to that person and it likely makes this situation particularly sensitive. If you genuinely believe this person is breaching a company policy approach the appropriate person (the relevant supervisor/HR) and alert them to this. I would not advise approaching other colleagues as it is an issue for management and could lead to accusations of bullying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10593" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T03:16:48.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12688" CreationDate="2018-04-04T03:50:18.087" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I  would not invite someone over to watch a movie or to go on a one-day trip as a first approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Invite first someone you are interested for short one-to-one meetings in a coffee shop or somewhere in the city just to have a short talk, in that way it will be a less stressful environment, and provides an easy way out if one of the parties is not romantically interested. Those first meetings should not last much more than 1-2h.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after a couple of those meetings both of you still keep on interested on getting on together, go then for the option of doing several one day outings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would leave the option of the two of you seeing a movie together, for when you are more romantically involved &lt;em&gt;unless&lt;/em&gt; you are seeing the movie with a group of friends of both sexes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have used this approach in the past successfully, including with my current wife which comes from a rather conservative background. It also worked with two former girlfriends from my culture, however the feedback I had from them is that they thought I was going too slow. I do however as an adult guy, also prefer the approach I am describing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2020-08-18T18:27:05.110" LastActivityDate="2020-08-18T18:27:05.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12760" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12763" CreationDate="2018-04-04T04:21:58.433" Score="85" ViewCount="44797" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I run RPG events for strangers, advertising on meetup.com to get people.  At these events, I spend around three hours asking the players what the characters are doing and narrating the results, trying to tell an entertaining and fun story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did this three weeks ago.  Of the four attendees to my game, one had a very low neckline, and several times I caught myself staring at her chest.  I felt bad about it and wanted to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the game, the other players said things like &amp;quot;thanks for the game, that was fun&amp;quot;.  This player just stood up and left.  I suspected that I had offended her.  I was sad, because I had wanted to run a fun event for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This coming week, I posted another RPG event to the meetup.  She has signed up again.  I guess in some sense this is heartening -- I guess she wasn't that offended?  But in a different sense, there's an awkward interpersonal situation here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to avoid being distracted by her chest, and I want her to not feel uncomfortable by my glancing at it. How can I approach this situation in the least awkward or least offensive manner? I've considered saying some of the following to her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, sorry I was staring at your cleavage last game, I felt really bad about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, maybe you could wear a higher neckline next time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16230" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T13:14:48.523" Title="How can I avoid the awkwardness of a returning player who wears a low-cut shirt?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12761" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12760" CreationDate="2018-04-04T04:45:59.753" Score="94" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're right, using mod tools to remove her from the sign up list would be wrong, and it is your problem.Take a deep breath, remember why you're there and be a grown up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kind of thing is a big part of the reason that women have largely dropped out of game culture... Boys will be boys, and more often than not, men will be boys. It's... Disappointing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a guy, I know what it's like to be a little distracted by an attractive person, but I know that it's on me to control myself. It can be more challenging at times, but with practice I'm sure you can too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often I find that it helps to get to know the person a little more. I know this will sound harsh, but reminding your self that they're a fully fledged person with likes and dislikes and not just a assembly of nice parts will help you keep your head in the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always remember that the majority of people don't like to be ogled. Granted there are those that do, but that's a story for another day... If you would like to have any chance with this person, EVER, treat them like a person. Don't stare at their parts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it wasn't already painfully obvious, &lt;strong&gt;don't comment on her shirt line, cleavage, etc.&lt;/strong&gt; She's a person, she's completely capable of dressing herself without your input. You're a person too, and you're completely capable of controlling your gaze. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T04:45:59.753" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12760" CreationDate="2018-04-04T04:56:38.913" Score="323" Body="&lt;p&gt;Prompted to give an answer by @apaul, I thought I'd give a woman's perspective here :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per my &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/86261/talking-to-colleague-with-short-skirt-how-do-i-not-come-off-as-a-creep/86286#86286&quot;&gt;answer over at Workplace.SE on wandering eyes&lt;/a&gt;, most women are fairly used to the occasional involuntary glance at our chests from guys.  It happens.  However, once it reaches a point of &quot;can't take your eyes off&quot; then it rapidly jumps into creepy territory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless your player is wearing something that is blatantly inappropriate for wearing on out in public, then it really is your problem to deal with.  Try to focus on her face when you're talking to her (yes, I know you will have involuntary glances from time to time), but as long as it's clear you're trying to do the right then she will likely be not overly offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With your question &quot;Should I apologise?&quot;, the answer is no, let it go.  It's just going to get awkward.  Take the fact that she signed up again as a positive indication that she wants to continue and wasn't entirely creeped out.  Yet.  You may find that this time around she will take it on herself to wear something less revealing, but even if she doesn't, the onus is on &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to control &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; behaviour, not hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8641" LastEditorUserId="8641" LastEditDate="2018-04-04T05:54:36.910" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T05:54:36.910" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12764" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-04T06:35:57.147" Score="7" ViewCount="852" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often make and receive phone calls in a business context where the other person talks with too much jargon. Occasionally I need to interrupt them with questions to get a better understanding of what they are saying. How can I go about politely interrupting them for clarification without offending them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7501" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-02-26T19:37:42.660" LastActivityDate="2020-02-26T19:37:42.660" Title="How can I politely interrupt someone on the phone when I have questions about what they're saying?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;business&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8212" CreationDate="2018-04-04T08:22:22.423" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I got the same problem with pretty much all of my family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Little backstory (can be skipped):&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it hurts how dumb and naive they can be. Posting some right-wing propaganda stuff (living in Austria) and believing every last bit that is on facebook and the internet in general...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My solution:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However my solution for myself at least is that i search for the &quot;news&quot; and show them that they are fake by posting a link of a site that reveals that the news are fake. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then the postings got less, and they don't seem to be rude to me at all, i guess they realized that their past postings were just.. naive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe that helps, gl&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12107" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T08:22:22.423" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12767" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12771" CreationDate="2018-04-04T08:23:32.340" Score="0" ViewCount="318" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, one of my friend's birthday is coming up in a few days and I've bought a gift for her which has a little message as follows: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No matter how many candles are on your birthday cake, &lt;strong&gt;you sweeten up my life, you lighten up my world&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just wanted to know if this message is appropriate for a best friend, from whom I expect &lt;em&gt;nothing more than friendship&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do really mean it tho, as a friend, but wanted to get some confirmation about it being appropriate in terms of social convention etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13714" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T09:12:41.767" Title="Appropriate Birthday Message for Best Friend" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-04T09:19:57.127" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12760" CreationDate="2018-04-04T08:55:41.600" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's your job to keep the game going.  Now &quot;we&quot; have the problems that Western female attire in particular is designed for catching attention by highlighting gender specific features and conditioning everyone (actually both female and male alike) on such highlights.  Civilization means not acting on getting primal urges triggered: that's why we can have nice things.  Like appetizing supermarket displays: you aren't supposed to stuff yourself before getting to the counter and paying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reaction of the player in question likely means that she became aware of her effect on you and it might or might not have embarrassed her.  She is likely to take it into account.  This can happen in several directions: if she is toning down or staying put, it is your job to adjust.  If she obviously increases the distractive value, chances are that she is acting intentionally (even if that's just her usual self and she's getting more comfortable around the company).  In that case, it might make sense taking her aside and talking with her separately.  I'd strongly suggest to &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; do that in person (misconstruing written or other messages delivered without immediate visual feedback on such matters is very easy) given a suitable opportunity and &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; putting her on the spot by forcing a reply or discussion or even continued contact: that's really only useful for a by-the-bye without anybody else in earshot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since that is rather delicate, I'd strongly recommend being sure that there will be escalation otherwise before even thinking of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16243" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T08:55:41.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12767" CreationDate="2018-04-04T09:12:41.767" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are best friends you will probably be right with your initial guess on on if she finds it appropriate or not. You are best friends for a reason =) and to that end I agree with @Raditz_35 comment. Stick with your gut feeling or hope she answers here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Knowing nothing about your relationship I would be mainly concerned with the first part. Does she mind age references? Being ill-meaning I could read this as: &quot;you are old as f*uck, but I like you anyway&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;you sweeten up my life&quot; is okay. Unless she is extremely uneasy with compliments and reads &quot;oh my god, he is sooo into me&quot; into completely random looking things. But then again I see women denying that a best (guy) friend has a crush more then hoping/searching for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;you lighten up my life&quot; is nothing out of the ordinary. You could write that to pretty much anybody as a birthday compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in summary, don't be too worried about it. You're probably fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16239" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T09:12:41.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12706" CreationDate="2018-04-04T10:06:27.887" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the sounds of it, you are not reading in to it too much or enough, you may have moved past the point of casually mentioning this without Susan thinking you were being unfaithful and or may still want to be unfaithful in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry I dealt with this awkwardly but I think your texts are more than what would be between friends and I have a girlfriend who I am happy with.&#xA;  I'm really sorry if I have led you on in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note: If you do actually want to stay friends then I would try to arrange to meet her before you send that text so you can face the awkwardness head on instead of letting it grow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9012" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T10:06:27.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12773" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12727" CreationDate="2018-04-04T10:19:52.447" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm looking for a phrasing that will convey that this is my chosen path, those are my priorities, I do very well in life (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not about you. &lt;strong&gt;It is about them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume their &lt;strong&gt;intention&lt;/strong&gt; is to motivate you to get the degree. Their strategy (pointing out drastic future consequences) is known to not be very promising, and it really isn’t, so they do more of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They probably see this as their contribution to a happy life for you in their role as parents/relatives. &#xA;And your degree might even reflect positively on their social status. I think this is inherently human.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, discussing this &lt;strong&gt;as if this was about you&lt;/strong&gt; by countering their arguments etc. is feeding their attempted solution to motivate you, straining the relation even more, resulting in you avoiding them more. At the rare encounters, they then will double their efforts to work towards their noble goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to do?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider what I wrote when they display their „motivating“ behavior, and see it as their continued attempt to do their job well, to be loyal to the wellbeing of a family member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Steer the discussion to their motives, and &lt;strong&gt;really listen&lt;/strong&gt; to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob: beggar, under the bridge ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you care more about that degree than I do, don‘t you? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do those worries keep you awake at night? That must be terrible, because there‘s nothing you can do about it. (absolutely no sarcasm!)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do you say this to motivate me because I am important to you, because you want me to do well in life? And that degree means this to you?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How would my degree effect you and your life? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Would you feel elevated by having a graduated engineer in our family?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Are people bugging you because I dropped university? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do you feel as if you failed because I dropped college?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is it hard for you to accept what I do? ... How comes?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After really listening to what they say, you might...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;what do you think moved me to do as I do?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;do you think I worry more or less than you do about this issue? (...) How do you think about this?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;would you like to hear how I feel about this?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;do you feel the way we are talking about this is making our family meetings better or worse?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;do you think your „interventions“ have rather positive or negative effects on me / us?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After listening, introduce what effects this has on you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever loyalty to your well being is spoken, honestly appreciate this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am glad I have a brother who cares about me, who‘d be there if I need him. Listen, in this matter, I don’t need you, I‘m really fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These strategies might really transform the way you relate and talk to each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="9437" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T19:07:40.427" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T19:07:40.427" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12760" CreationDate="2018-04-04T10:25:25.780" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;B&gt;Point One:&lt;/B&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;Other answers suggest that you don't even bring this up.  That may be the best advice, and I don't mean to contradict that, especially for your next meeting.  However, I also realize that infringements just tend to feel less awful after they have aged out, but even bringing this up in the future could land you in more hot water than what you might think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like you must bring this up, now or ever in the future, just don't phrase things this way.  You could say, &quot;I felt bad because I inadvertently committed the foul act of making glances that were inappropriate... multiple times.&quot;  Anyone that you might say this to ought to be able to insinuate precisely what is meant.  The point is, nowhere in that quotation did I make a direct mention of her chest.  Make sure you don't either, because any such mention (no matter how innocent the objective) will increase the likelihood that someone may feel like you're trespassing where you don't belong.  (Example: Your question made mention of this precise physical feature at least twice, as I quoted.  Make sure you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; do that again, and you will be far less likely to be blamed for crossing the line.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;B&gt;Point Two:&lt;/B&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;It seems like it would be ideal for you if you could just get this off of your chest, and if she would even acknowledge forgiveness of any unintended slight, and then you could walk away knowing that dust has settled and you're in the free and clear.  Don't allow your fantasy of that super-desirable resolution lead you into thinking that is what you should do.  It might seem super-decent to apologize, but on the contrary, that may re-traumatize (or, if she didn't notice what you're doing, initially traumatize).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;B&gt;Point Three:&lt;/B&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;Now, rather than just a bunch of &quot;don't don't don't don't&quot;, I will provide some positive advice on what you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way to handle this is to make a universal statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally prior to not only the event, but also the sign-ups.  (Okay, so she signed up, so this time around, you didn't accomplish this at the ideal time.  But, if you do this again, you could adjust the parameters for the next time around.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like, &quot;Dress Code: Family friendly attire to make this safe and comfortable environment for all.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of women will understand that &quot;family friendly&quot; is a code-word that means &quot;non-tantalizing&quot;/&quot;non-provocative&quot;.  Of course, that same phrasing might not work if you feel like tattoos are not necessarily &quot;family-friendly&quot; and you want to let Big Joe to come in his tank top and show off his latest tats.  Whatever line you decide to draw, make sure it's something that can be applied universally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note: She just left.  If she didn't single you out, maybe she was annoyed by somebody &lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I caught myself staring at her chest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;hey, sorry I was staring at your cleavage last game,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under no circumstances whatsoever should you allow any reference to her chest.  This is simply crossing a line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T10:25:25.780" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12688" CreationDate="2018-04-04T11:34:03.333" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Indian woman here. An acquaintance and I decided to have coffee one day. After reaching the venue, he says, 'Thank you for coming to the date.' Yuck. I told him it is not a date and left the place. When asking out, tell the other person clearly if you want a casual outing with them or a date. Things would be very clear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not overthink and do not complicate it.&lt;/strong&gt; If you do not want to spoil the relationship, be clear in your thoughts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could always say, 'There is a nice XYZ place that sells delicious ABC food. I am going there this evening. Want to join me?'. Keep the tone casual. Don't sound desperate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or say, 'This movie is very interesting. I love so and so person's role a lot. Want to watch it?'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a one day trip that you want, then you need to start with short one or two hour meet ups. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T11:34:03.333" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12760" CreationDate="2018-04-04T12:11:02.783" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As per @Bilkokuya 's suggestion I'm writing a new answer which addresses my concern with the currently top voted answer by Jane S and aims to provide a different perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[TL:DR] Transparency is key (as per the usual in any social scenario). The reason you feel bad is because &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you lack transparency on what caused her behavior (with potential of you being the cause)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you both lack transparency on what the respective other thinks is appropriate&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to address this issue is by providing a forum for each party to voice their concerns to get transparency and then negotiate a good solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How this abstract sentence can be turned into reality is very situation and personality dependent, maybe my longer answer below helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Should] I message her before the event and say: [Any of the two messages]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No. Apologizing because you feel bad and want to feel more at ease vs. genuinely accepting a mistake which you know you have done are different things. You can't preemptively apologize for something you don't know you have done wrong. [That doesn't count ;D]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, what response do you expect to get? Generally you put her into an awkward situation. Either she was offended and she now has to tell you (Its always hard to tell people they did wrong). Or she wasn't offended and you create an strange situation where there is none.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's a little bit tempting to use moderator tools to just silently remove her from my signup list, so that I won't have to deal with the awkwardness at the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also no. You are dodging the problem by pretending it doesn't exist. On top you are being rude and somebody might argue that it's discriminating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Staring at women's cleavage is a general problem. What annoys me is that a guy's perspective in this is often overlooked and he is simply guilty. Period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand the argument I often hear from a women's perspective. It goes something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It makes me feel good to wear these clothes.&#xA;  I feel bad because that guy is staring at my chest (unwanted attention). I can't control his actions. I can't say anything about it, because I don't want to cause a big scene and make him feel bad (even more unwanted attention). That would make me feel even more bad. I don't see another way of communicating to him that he should stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and results in her feeling uncomfortable and choosing between two bad options: a) enduring the guy's staring or b) risking to cause &quot;a big scene&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a guy the argument goes something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel a constant, (literally) natural urge to look at a women's chest. Not giving in to this urge takes mental afford which is exhausting. Feeling exhausted feels bad. I can't just stare because it may make her feel bad. Making her feel bad would make me feel even more bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, again, results in feeling uncomfortable and having to choose between two bad options: a) fighting a constant inner conflict against biology, which you can only loose b) risking to offend the women. [This doesn't make it okay or not okay to stare. It just shows the inevitable conflict we guys deal with.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who's to blame? The women for using her right to wear whatever she feels comfortable in? The guy for not having perfect solitude against biological instinct? Janne S 's answer seems to suggest the latter since she advises &quot;It's your problem to deal with&quot;, which I completely disagree with. In fact there is no single person to blame (even though we'd love that. I see why guys take a punch here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that you can't act appropriately due to lack of transparency in: a) realizing that the other person is in distress and b) conveying our opinion on the matter to the other person in such a way that nobody gets hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good way of acting, in my opinion, is to create a forum where a) we can signal such conflict and b) we can exchange opinions so that the respective other can take appropriate action. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: I rewrote the section below, hopefully avoiding multiple interpretations this time.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To that end what I found works nicely is to opt for a fun and lighthearted atmosphere, because what is &quot;inappropriate&quot; shifts. It's the same idea as banter, where you playfully &quot;insult&quot; somebody but not really mean to. Your're probably doing that with your friends a lot and know what I mean, despite me potentially failing to describe it here concisely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a guy's perspective the idea is to paint a picture of &quot;let's play a game: I will pretend to stare at your chest and be a douche about it, what will you do. Afterwards we will compare to my expectations and see where we stand&quot;. [I can see now how this can sound odd if you read it deadpan serious. Think about it in a satirical way.] The idea is that you create a win-win situation. She can express her actual feelings about this in a safe environment and you can express your concerns. If you run into the actual staring situation later on in the event, you both know where you stand and what is happening. The situation will be more transparent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if she is already annoyed or you do this immediately after being &quot;caught&quot; staring, chances are she doesn't want to play this particular game with you. In this case, I think it's best to fall back to blunt, deadpan honesty and ask if you offended her. Potentially with a bit of humor mixed in (that never hurts). I will refrain from examples, because they have only backfired so far [seems to be a lot harder to communicate via text then expected].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you don't have to respond to it on the spot chances are shes willing to play this or a similar game with you. From my experience, I haven't met a person that doesn't enjoy &quot;what if&quot; games. Dang it, she comes &lt;strong&gt;to play a RPG&lt;/strong&gt; which is a big multiplayer &quot;what if&quot; game. Why wouldn't she want to play a smaller &quot;what if&quot; game with you, too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16239" LastEditorUserId="16239" LastEditDate="2018-04-04T15:32:58.397" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T15:32:58.397" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12780" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12597" CreationDate="2018-04-04T14:02:21.027" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe turn the tables on them ...&quot;ahhhh that one felt goooood&quot;... most outside talkers would feel offended/invaded, and that is good, since they will exactly understand you now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need a plan B, though, if you find out that there are people among the talkers that ARE genuinely more open about these matters than what suits your tastes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T14:02:21.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12783" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12785" CreationDate="2018-04-04T14:23:18.083" Score="31" ViewCount="9180" Body="&lt;p&gt;I went on a vacation to a coffee plantation recently. After enjoying my stay there, on the last day, some of the kids of the coffee plantation workers played football (soccer) with my dad and my sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ball they played with belonged to me and I had a lot of memories attached with that ball, as my friends had gifted it to me, and I don't meet these friends anymore, so now it's like the only thing I remember them by...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just before we left from there, one of those kids came up to us and asked my dad if they could have a ball. My dad was probably unaware of the the ball's story, so he first said yes, and then decided to ask my permission. Knowing the circumstances (these coffee workers' kids live in poverty, and my dad had already promised them), I kinda made up my resolve to give it away. I did this quite unhappily, but I tried not to show it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess I did the &amp;quot;right&amp;quot; thing, but that ball really meant something to me. My question is that to prevent these things happening in the future, I want to convince the other party without looking selfish or mean or evil... How do I do that diplomatically?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I told my dad all about the ball's sentimental value to me when he asked if I could give it away. He wasn't exactly asking, but requesting, and I downplayed its value at the time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We weren't exactly in a city, so there weren't any shops for about a 15 km radius... So no ball to be brought later... I suppose we could have mailed them a ball, but the kids were actually told by the supervisor of the coffee estate not to ask for things. Hence, sending it would probably result in them not being allowed to keep it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T00:34:04.863" Title="How to convince the other party that I'm not going to do &quot;the right thing&quot; as the alternative matters more to me" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12784" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12706" CreationDate="2018-04-04T14:51:41.910" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Approach her with an outward attitude of openness. Most people understand miscommunication, social pressures, and the like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't mind giving you feedback on your outfits, but my girlfriend might have a problem with some pictures. Please keep them G-rated, as I wouldn't want her to become jealous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is actually flirting, I assume at least some of the photos are mildly provocative, and you could show her one or two as an example of something that might upset your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This allows you to defuse the situation without rejecting her outright---&lt;strong&gt;this response doesn't imply that you are refusing an amorous advance, nor are you judging her behavior personally&lt;/strong&gt; (only worried about its potential effect on your girlfriend).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe those two concerns are the primary source of tension, and I believe you are right to sidestep those issues. Politeness and civility really do wonders in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: In the future, &lt;strong&gt;you can avoid this by mentioning your girlfriend in the initial exchange&lt;/strong&gt;. E.g., say, &quot;Here is my number, but please do not call after XX:XX, as my girlfriend usually goes to bed around that time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16074" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T14:51:41.910" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12783" CreationDate="2018-04-04T14:53:41.923" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;If &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; have evaluated that keeping the ball is going to be of more value to you than the feeling of having performed a selfless action, don't be afraid to simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;No, sorry, but this item is of deep personal value to me.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While others may not look upon your actions in the best light (because they aren't able to see those same values you have), you can try to bridge the gap by proposing alternatives:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Would we be able to get them a different ball before we leave?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;What if we gave them X instead?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though these solutions may not yield anything, trying to propose alternatives can help others (in this case your dad/sister) see that it's not that you are intentionally being malicious or prudent, but are truly just not wanting to sacrifice your item of personal value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; able to come up with an alternative where all parties involved get a desired outcome (the impoverished kids get a new ball/toy/etc and you get to keep your sentimental item), it's a win-win for everyone, and all parties get to go home happy. Otherwise, at least you showed concern and care for your decision by trying to reach a compromise, which will leave you in a better light in the eyes of others as opposed to just saying &amp;quot;no&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T14:53:41.923" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12786" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12783" CreationDate="2018-04-04T14:56:33.430" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You just need to explain that the &lt;em&gt;item is of great personal and sentimental value&lt;/em&gt;. It will be up to the other party to decide if this is an acceptable reason; you should be under no obligation to actually explain your reasons further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is common for people to place great personal value on things of little material worth. These reasons can be public or private, it's up to the owner. It can sound harsh but do not be made to feel guilty if someone disagrees with your decision to keep something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For what it's worth, I'm sure you brightened up the children's days considerably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T14:56:33.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12787" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12783" CreationDate="2018-04-04T15:00:15.307" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;For me there is nothing selfish or negative or mean/evil about having his own wishes and not giving everything away.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You could have bought those kids another ball, if not at the place you were then you could have sent one to them. Then you would still have your ball and made a nice present to those kids anyway, even more if it wasn't only one ball but two or three or something else that makes them happy. Is that selfish? No!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this reason I don't see a problem if you explain to your dad that this ball meant a lot to you and next time he gives anything away, he should ask you before. Don't think too much about how to do it not selfish - it isn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T15:00:15.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5532" CreationDate="2018-04-04T15:21:22.947" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If this was me, I wouldn't do anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've not created a contract, and with it being a family friend , what are you going to do - take them to court?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good thing is that you have not done more than 2 websites. While you are out $300, be thankful you never did more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very likely that this person is behind on their work. If this is something they do in their spare time (they havea  full time job as well) then they probably haven't got their head together to pick it back up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They could be one of those people that have an amazing idea and want to drop everything they're doing (and expect others to drop everything) to pursue this idea, and then it falls flat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are like that, then chances are they will come back. BUT when they do, be sure to remind them that while you are happy to continue doing the other 4 websites, you won't be doing it until you are paid for the first 2 you did. Hold it ransom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry this doesn't answer your question on 'how do I ask' but as far as I can tell you've already done everything you can. Going forward, I would leave it until they get their s*** sorted. They'll probably come back again. And then you can take it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9308" LastEditorUserId="9308" LastEditDate="2019-03-27T10:16:34.203" LastActivityDate="2019-03-27T10:16:34.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12695" CreationDate="2018-04-04T17:46:02.147" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could ask her to take the cat to the vet for you, or perhaps you could go together.  Hearing the vet (doctor in the surgery setting) discussing the health problems of the cat might make it clear to her how important it is to stop the feeding.  You could also ask the vet to confirm that the food you are providing is the appropriate food. I don't think giving her some of your food will help as it may blur the lines.  Could you give her a couple of toys to interact with the cat differently and help it to lose a bit of weight at the same time?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16198" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T17:46:02.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12760" CreationDate="2018-04-04T18:02:34.163" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is the sort of thing where it helps to get to know the person. In my experience, when I am more familiar with a person, their physical attributes become less important than their personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is my suggestion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use your will power to not stare, and treat her as you would treat anyone else. After a 5-6 sessions, you will know what sort of clothing she wears.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she is always wearing clothing that is obviously excessively revealing, and you get used to it, do nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she is always wearing clothing that is obviously excessively revealing, and this distracts you, tell her something simple:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I make a request? Can you wear something a little less revealing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It wont hurt if you blush while you are saying this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was a lifeguard for many years, and enjoyed teaching swim lessons. I taught many adults of every age and gender. One of my students was a physically beautiful woman who wore a tiny bikini. It was so small that it made me uncomfortable. After several lessons, and we had developed a rapport, at the end of the lesson I asked her if she could switch to a one-piece bathing suit. She blushed for a second and said ok. The next lesson, she had enough coverage that I was much more comfortable. I think the important thing was that after a few lessons, we had developed sufficient rapport that I didn't come off as critical, but instead just communicating my desire to have a more professional atmosphere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6067" LastEditorUserId="6067" LastEditDate="2018-04-04T18:11:23.827" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T18:11:23.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12021" CreationDate="2018-04-04T20:07:39.810" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Discussing politics, ethics, and philosophy with one's family without causing problems can be very difficult, especially since life-long relationships often involve a good deal of habit and stubbornness, and especially when there is a familial culture of everyone having to agree with a dominant figure. Here are a few things that I find help me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Agree to disagree without relational retaliation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Emphasize those things that you do agree on or have in common.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Acknowledge that everyone, including yourself, has flaws in their reasoning and beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) Respect your mother's personal sovereignty/agency, knowing that she may not give you the same benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most meaningful and lasting relationships I've ever had have been with people who disagree with me and who I disagree with. Such relationships can only survive and thrive by establishing mutual respect and genuine concern for each other's welfare, and when these relationships do survive, they become a source of personal strength and wisdom as both come to see that what they thought of as flaws were in fact their most redeeming qualities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach allows me to regularly discuss politics with my family and disagree on many issues without causing relational discord because we all know that at the end of the day, we're still family and we still stick up for each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16276" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T20:07:39.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12795" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12505" CreationDate="2018-04-04T20:13:07.097" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Offer to have a &quot;Roommate agreement&quot;, in writing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A quick search for &quot;roommate agreement template&quot; has a lot of options and these can vary from college, to professional, to multi-family.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some cases, the behavior described is quite common in college life as college students are exploring living on their own and determining their own boundaries as well as the boundaries of being a responsible adult.  Back in the day, one might put a scrunchie or sock on the doorknob to indicate a special guest, and the roommate is responsible for leaving alone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you do not like this behavior, then it is important for you to have an understanding with your roommate.  Thus, the agreement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some additional variable will be important to note, such as, is this a standard dorm-type room with one room and two beds, no bathroom; or is it a suite with separate bedrooms and a common area?  Is there a kitchen?  Where is the bathroom?  Where is the common area?  What do other people in the same building do in these situations?  What do other people at the same school do?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is acceptable at a &quot;party&quot; college is vastly different from being in (for example) med school.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4577" LastActivityDate="2018-04-04T20:13:07.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12796" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12829" CreationDate="2018-04-04T20:13:27.030" Score="1" ViewCount="3903" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year. I decided to start the relationship knowing that she had two children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suddenly a couple of things happened that I didn't plan.&#xA;I was born in Venezuela, where we started our relationship. The crisis in the country increased radically and I had to leave. I helped her come with me. She left her children for 5 months with her mom and then she brought them. I helped her because the extreme situation. I love her, she is a great human being, and the kids are good kids. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Here's the Thing&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We live in Peru and she only has a couple of friends here. She depends emotionally on me (I'm not sure until which point) as currently her family is in another country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been planning to work in Europe as a Software Engineer for 4 years. I made the decision that I really want to live in Europe for two years at least. I don't want to hurt her feelings because she is in love with me and her older relationships weren't good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell her  my decision, to go Europe and eventually end the relationship, without hurt her feellings too much.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Progressively?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want the best for her and her Kids&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15772" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2018-04-04T20:37:21.823" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T15:40:04.157" Title="how do I break up with my girlfriend who has 2 children and emotionally depends on me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12760" CreationDate="2018-04-04T23:54:38.090" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The onus of solving your situation is entirely on you.  Just need a bit of practice in controlling your mind.  Maintain eye contact and behave no differently than if she were a man.  Strictly business.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you achieve that state of self control, maybe you can back off a bit since you are in a social situation.  Then, in the words of Seinfeld, always remember &quot;Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. Ya get a sense of it and look away.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16287" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T07:39:00.327" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T07:39:00.327" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12655" CreationDate="2018-04-05T00:24:00.507" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best &lt;em&gt;polite&lt;/em&gt; answer to a conversational gambit that tries to enroll you into something offensive is typically &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wouldn't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Preferably said without a smile or any other encouraging vocalizations or body language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/321997/what-is-the-difference-between-i-dont-know-and-i-wouldnt-know?utm_medium=organic&amp;amp;utm_source=google_rich_qa&amp;amp;utm_campaign=google_rich_qa&quot;&gt;This question&lt;/a&gt; on the English Language and Usage site goes over the exact nuances of this phrase. Here's an excerpt from the second answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I wouldn't know&quot; is also sometimes used in contexts where the speaker&#xA;  wants to emphasize that it isn't a subject with which they have any&#xA;  acquaintance. In effect, it says &quot;I don't know that and I am not the&#xA;  kind of person who knows that sort of thing.&quot; There is a distancing of&#xA;  the speaker from information of that type. It is often used this way&#xA;  in popular culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A polite person would take the hint and drop the subject. An &lt;em&gt;impolite&lt;/em&gt; person may take it as an invitation to enlighten you, but at least you've established that you won't be actively participating in this topic. I've used this myself inside the US with racists, and its fairly effective, and at least distances you from the racist when it isn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="5047" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T00:34:28.513" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T00:34:28.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12796" CreationDate="2018-04-05T01:24:33.713" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;The simple answer to this is: you can't do this in a way that won't hurt her feelings.  She relies emotionally on you, and that is difficult to end without hurting her feelings.  You also don't know and can't really control how your actions will affect her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other question is timing.  It sounds like you want to break it gradually to her.  That assumes that she'll figure this out when you tell her.  Generally that's not the case.  Either she'll figure this out beforehand, and things will be worse, or she will be oblivious to what you are trying to build up, and this will surprise her.  It's nearly impossible to have her grasp this at the moment you choose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is a great human being.  You love her.  Even if those weren't true, she would still deserve an honest conversation from you.  You really have two choices at this point: give her some warning, or give her no warning.  Either way, for you to do what you plan on doing, you will have to make this choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to give her some warning, it will be uncomfortable for the remaining time you have together.  But she will have time to prepare and possibly either move or have her family move to be by her.  If you give her no warning, there will be no discomfort for anyone.  But she will suddenly find herself without you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I'd make the harder choice about someone I care deeply about.  I'd sit her down and explain to her.  &quot;I am going to move to Europe on [x date].  I love you but it's not possible for you to come with.  I'll spend the rest of the time here helping you prepare for my moving out, or, if you want me out now, I'll do that and go live with friends.  Please accept that this is something I need to do for me and has nothing to do with you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will be uncomfortable for her and the kids to still have you around, but that will also let you say your goodbyes to them.  Be prepared for crying.  But I think that, overall, it is a better thing for them than to have you say, &quot;I'm leaving as of right now.  I love you, but it's goodbye.&quot;  At least this way she has time to make preparations for life without you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T01:49:28.570" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T01:49:28.570" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12802" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-05T01:59:57.960" Score="4" ViewCount="1411" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm seated next to a colleague who, apparently, likes to skip shower for some 3-4 days and has a very strong body odor.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;How can I tell him to wash more often without being rude? I don't want to take it straight to the HR and if possible I'd like to keep friendly relationship with him, since he's actually has a positive attitude and I think he's good at his job. But the strong smell is killing me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16293" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T10:17:12.857" Title="How to tell a colleague to wash?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12802" CreationDate="2018-04-05T02:44:22.923" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, similar to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12730/how-to-tell-a-coworker-to-dress-more-appropriately-for-the-office&quot;&gt;this recent question&lt;/a&gt;, the first issue you must address is whether it is appropriate for you to approach your colleague about this issue if you do not have supervisory responsibilities. One thing to be aware of though is that some medical conditions can cause body odour and that it is possible that this person has a medical condition which may be classified as a disability and which may give them protection as a matter of law and/or an organizational policy.. If the person perceived your approach as harassment, you could end up in trouble. This is one reason why I would advise against any kind of direct or indirect approach without consulting HR first.  It may be possible for you to get HR advice without identifying the person in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had to talk people about their body odour, in my capacity as a manager, and I can guarantee you any such conversation will be embarrassing for both parties and it may alter the dynamics of a relationship. For this reason I would not assume that circumventing HR will allow you to preserve your current relationship with this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10593" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T02:44:22.923" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12802" CreationDate="2018-04-05T02:46:31.523" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The sad part is... any form of persuading him to shower more often is going to hurt his feelings... even if you say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey I found this brand of body soap that is pretty nice and I have an extra bottle. Do you want to try it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This cologne I'm using is pretty refreshing. Want to try?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are 2 ways to go about it though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Establish an even closer friendship with him first&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As we know, best friends or even good friends are more open to each other's criticisms. The 'judging' factor in the friendship and the obligation to constantly 'censor' out certain topics will slowly diminish as the friendship becomes better and closer. When that happens, you can then try to break it to him that he should shower more, &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; because you can't tolerate the smell, but rather that you want him to be more hygienic / healthy, depending on which may be more relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, after getting to know him better you know that he falls sick rather easily, or has rashes on his skin that results in him constantly scratching himself, you can take one of those opportunities to tell him in a very subtle way. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, are you okay? You seem to get sick quite a lot. Maybe take nice, warm showers in the morning? They really help with fighting the illnesses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;OR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you get a skin rash like this often? If you do maybe you can have a warm shower at night and then apply some aloe vera gel onto your skin. It really helped me with the rash outbreak that I had a couple of months back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick here is to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Encourage him to shower because of reasons &lt;strong&gt;other than&lt;/strong&gt; his body odor.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(If possible) Try to approach him in a way that makes him feel that you do not know &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; look past the fact that he skips showers for 3-4 days.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although this approach takes a while to accomplish (I mean, you can't possibly be BFFs overnight, right?), it is the best way to approach him without him feeling hurt (at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Solve your problem without him&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alright this approach does not answer your question directly, but it does solve your problem. Instead of asking him to shower, you can do something about it yourself. Buy some peppermint oil / essential oils and bring it to the office. If you can't / don't really want to 'freshen up' the smell of the work environment using the dehumidifier + essential oils method, you can just apply the oil directly to your nose. Helps you stay healthy &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; get rid of the body odor your colleague is &lt;em&gt;forcefully making you smell&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other complementing strategies include wearing a cologne to the office (if you aren't already doing so), and maybe brew a cup of coffee and put it beside you, et cetera.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Conclusion&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no way of making sure he doesn't feel hurt if you directly approach him so instead, deploy option 1 or 2 and maybe you will have a new best friend in the future? Good luck :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Side note:&lt;/strong&gt; You can also use a combination of step 1 and 2 together to &quot;relieve the smell of the odor&quot; as you are befriending him and getting to the stage where you can talk about anything under the sun... as said earlier when you reach that stage it would be relatively easier to find opportunities to raise the issue up to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T02:46:31.523" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12802" CreationDate="2018-04-05T04:57:13.470" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;How about this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you sit near to me I notice this smell, I am not sure what it&#xA;  is. Did you maybe eat something with lots of garlic or something&#xA;  similar?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should clearly inform your neighbor that there is some smell and you tell him that you think it's from him - without telling him &quot;wash!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He should get the message and think about where the smell comes from. And hopefully he reacts to this hint.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that is better than involving someone else. Why escalate a problem if you can solve it? At least you can try this approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; I like to add a general comment: I think some people really don't know that they have a very intensive smell. I.e. people who use all the time the same deodorant or perfume use after a while more and more because they don't smell it anymore. But other people notice that they smell like they used a whole bottle of that stuff. I guess at least a few of these people would appreciate if someone tell them because obviously they don't notice their &quot;smell&quot; themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastEditorDisplayName="user8838" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T10:17:12.857" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T10:17:12.857" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12808" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12811" CreationDate="2018-04-05T09:12:37.673" Score="85" ViewCount="21451" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't go to parties often, in fact I actively avoid it as much as humanly possible. Still, sometimes social obligations get the better of me and I begrudgingly attend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the times then I'll be in a corner or somewhere a little off from groups of people and trying to fight back a growing headache / nursing a glass of water. This isn't because these parties are bad or the host isn't trying, they're just not for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's where my problem starts. Sometimes the host will notice that I'm not having a good time and ask me about why. Is the party bad? Are other people annoying me? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem here is that I can't answer these questions truthfully without revealing details about myself I'd really rather not (mental health issues, for instance). I'm not very good at lying so making excuses mostly falls flat for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's gotten to the point where the hosts of these parties sometimes inquire with friends or family of mine about what's wrong with me when I don't give them an actual answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a socially graceful way to let someone know the fact that you're not enjoying yourself isn't their fault and they don't need to worry, preferably without revealing things like my medical history?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2019-11-22T07:40:06.797" Title="How do I answer a question about not enjoying a party without revealing sensitive information" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-05T09:26:26.013" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Thing is, they most likely care, and want to help you. I totally understand you, but these people just mean it good, it's important to see that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to bring such a point across, but here's my take:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that you could say, that would not be an excuse, is that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'there are too many people for me, I needed a break'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the noise gives me a headache, but it's not your fault'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are not lies, most likely you feel exactly this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had these help me. I really hope this helps, because explaining that parties are not really a thing for you is hard :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5726" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T09:26:26.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-05T09:55:02.480" Score="149" Body="&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend doesn't like parties either. Music makes his ears hurt, smoke from cigarettes irritate his eyes, and he hates when drunk people come to ask him why he doesn't drink and how come that he can enjoy being here while sober (well, in fact, he doesn't, but that's not the problem here). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people ask him why he's holding back in a corner of the room, if he's having a problem, he'll simply smile and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm very glad to see you [all], which is why I came. The fact is, parties aren't really my thing because I easily get tired, which is why I'm resting for a while. But it's very nice to spend time with you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, &lt;strong&gt;he states that he doesn't like parties without implying that this one in particular sucks&lt;/strong&gt;, but he also explains why he came even though he doesn't like it: &lt;strong&gt;he wanted to see his loved ones&lt;/strong&gt;, and it feels to me that that's the reason that brings you to parties too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, do you have the possibility to ask your loved ones to meet more often outside of parties? Maybe it'd avoid you having to go there that often. Discussing this possibility with them could alleviate your discomfort, but I don't know if it's something you could do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-11-22T07:40:06.797" LastActivityDate="2019-11-22T07:40:06.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12812" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-05T10:01:47.500" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Going to the party that you know you won't enjoy and sulking in a corner later and then not providing a truthful answer upon being asked for the reason is really not a way to treat your host. Somehow interpersonal skills are understood as a way of coming up with quick lies but the true virtue really often is to be honest and to the point.&#xA;When getting invited to the party:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'd rather pass this time as I'm not feeling well&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still end up at the party and are asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for the invitation, I think I'm getting tired now and would like to retire for the night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That simple. And it won't offend anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer concerns expressed in the comment - if your host starts bothering you after 20 minutes, this is clear indications that future parties with this person should be skipped. &quot;Why did you bother coming at all&quot; can be answered with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to meet you and I thought I was fine but I'm clearly not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastEditorUserId="10651" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T12:05:07.660" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T12:05:07.660" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12814" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12760" CreationDate="2018-04-05T11:44:11.343" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;(Because of the down votes I feel it is necessary to point out that OP is writing &quot;&lt;em&gt;very low neckline&lt;/em&gt;&quot; which I interpret as being very revealing. This is what my answer is based on. I find the womans choice of clothes is not in accordance with social norms.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;You are asking the wrong question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imho this is a classic &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/66377/what-is-the-xy-problem&quot;&gt;XY problem&lt;/a&gt;, i.e. you are attributing the error completely to you while she is also to &quot;blame&quot;, therefore you cannot solve this situation by merely focusing on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;She is probalby not offended&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As suggested in the OP's comments, you are probably suffering from an attribution error, i.e. the reason that she left without saying anything is maybe due to her shyness or maybe just due to being a socially incapable person. Why else would she register to a voluntary, leisure time event again, if she did not like it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;It is also her fault&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no reason for her to have a &quot;&lt;em&gt;very low neckline&lt;/em&gt;&quot; except to be more attractive, i.e. have a higher sexual appeal to men. She might not be aware it because of the culture she grew up in (&quot;everyone does it&quot;). Even if she thinks &quot;&lt;em&gt;I just want to look pretty for me&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, prettiness that stems from showing off your body is grounded in the sexual attraction generated in mens brains. Why are there no other reasons than sexual attraction?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;It is not the only solution to comfortable clothing&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The neckline does not cover an area of body parts that have to be moved therefore a &quot;&lt;em&gt;very low neckline&lt;/em&gt;&quot; does not decrease constricted body movement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;It is not the only solution to loss of heat&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wearing thiner or breathable clothing can aid the loss of body heat and a &quot;&lt;em&gt;very low neckline&lt;/em&gt;&quot; is not required to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;It is not simply her freedom to dress how she wants&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This popular argument does not make sense. There are various genetically inherent attributes in males that make most of them attracted to breasts. This is not their &quot;fault&quot;, it has its biological reasons and does not automatically make them chauvinistic creeps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply ignoring this fact and demanding to &quot;wear what I want&quot; is dumb and disingenuous. You can not do something to maximize X and then be offended that X happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This obviously does not mean that you can just go grab everyones breasts or blatantly stare at them from close distance. Humans developed a culture which forbids this, to facilitate a non-violent society, but one should not feel like this is urge is a sickness or result of bad upbringing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also the responsibility of women to reduce the sexual attraction if it is not desired. You cannot pour gasoline in the fire and then be offended that the fire burns stronger. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Advice&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;&quot;I want to avoid being distracted by her chest&quot;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she arrives dressed in very revealing clothes again, you could add something to your ad or invite about not wearing revealing clothes, but I think this might give people the wrong idea about whats happening during the role playing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you won't get around talking to her personally. She is obviously oblivious to social norms and not aware of the effect she has.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be factual and avoid any innuendo:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey X, I have a favor to ask. When telling you guys the story I came up, I need my full concentration. You might not have noticed, but I found that the kind of revealing clothing you wear, attracts attention from me and possibly other men and shifts the focus from the game to you. I know this is an awkward conversation to have, but could you please wear clothes that cover more of your body next time? This would really help us focus more and the game and would make the evening more fun and immersive. Thanks and I hope you understand my reasoning!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't give her any compliments regarding her body, this might come across creepy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will still be awkward, but I don't think there is any way around it. She might be even thankful for bringing this to her attention. Some people are just oblivious to certain social norms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;&quot;and I want her to not feel uncomfortable by my glancing at it.&quot;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not know that she is. But even if she is. It is her fault mostly. She caused this but either not being aware of social norms or by deliberately causing it for attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;&quot;How can I approach this situation in the least awkward or least offensive manner&quot;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See example above,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...but because you have too little information on why she behaved the way she did, I think it is better to wait and see how the next meeting goes. It could be that she just did not know when to say goodbye and what the etiquette on these meeting is (-&gt; she lacks social intelligence). Or maybe she had a conflict with one of the other people present that you did not notice. Or she is just impolite and/or takes your effort for granted and does not feel its necessary to say goodbye. We don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="438" LastEditorUserId="438" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T13:14:48.523" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T13:14:48.523" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-05T12:02:02.377" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most people will be understanding if you simply state that you aren't feeling well and need some alone time or have to leave early. Saying you're going outside for some fresh air would also work in many cases. If you're able to recharge yourself in these alone moments, don't forget to occasionally make the rounds, even if it's just to politely listen to someone else talking. The host and guests aren't going to note you aren't having a good time if you seem to be engaged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8309" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T12:02:02.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12816" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12820" CreationDate="2018-04-05T12:44:25.313" Score="18" ViewCount="6584" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m currently on a vacation with two of my friends - as would be expected, we’re trying to keep costs as equally spread out as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I originally planned the trip, I was planning on going alone - and had one special hotel on the trip that’s rather expensive (about $300). When I invited the other two friends, they told me they didn’t want to spend that much for the hotel, but I told them that it was okay because I was willing to pay for it all, because I was going to by myself originally anyway. I figured this was because they aren’t as financially well off as me, so I didn’t mind (though I did ask them to contribute what they could to it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to today, we’re in the middle of the trip with three days left. My friend told me she wants to go on a tour that would be even more expensive than my hotel pick, and when I mentioned that it was more expensive, she said directly that she’s willing to pay more for her tour than contribute her even share to my hotel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, the hotel cost has not been included in the running tally of costs - we have a ledger of what everyone spends to try to keep the spending even, and because of our original conversation, it wasn’t marked down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like I have been cheated, as I offered to pay for the hotel because I thought they wanted to be frugal on the trip. Now it seems that’s not the case, as long as it’s THEIR thing they spend money on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach my friends about this? All I would expect for is for the hotel to be counted on the running ledger, so it’s accurate to what we each spend. I don’t want to burn any bridges just yet however, since there are a few days left in the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7933" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T09:35:05.243" Title="How to Approach Friends about Vacation Costs" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-05T13:05:04.467" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have the same problem.  Parties drain me, emotionally and physically.  If people notice me wandering away and being alone, they sometimes try to pull me back into the group, which is precisely what I don't want.  I have recently started to let people know that it's part of who I am, but in a very careful way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to say something like &quot;I just needed a few minutes to chill. I have this silly thing that's a bit like claustrophobia, that too many people and too many voices all at once get a bit on top of me, so I just need to break away and get my head together for a few minutes.  I'll be OK again pretty quickly.  I'm great with a one-to-one like we're having, or with 2 or 3 people, but when it gets to a whole crowd, I tend to shut down a bit.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, if you describe it as a phobia, or similar, people will understand more readily and you don't have to delve into mental health issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I don't mention, unless I'm talking to someone who's genuinely interested, is that I've discovered this year (aged 50) that I'm an &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;IFNJ in the Myers-Briggs&lt;/a&gt; classification, and that my behaviour is absolutely to be expected.  I'd always thought I was weird, or in some way a social failure, and now that I know that I'm just me, it's much easier to cope with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've even made recommendations to the Diversity and Inclusion team at the company I work for, to provide a quieter room at the annual conference for people to communicate with each other in smaller groups.  I spent a large part of the evening dinner/dance this year just wandering round the outskirts of the room, not able to have a conversation with anybody, because there were simply too many people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16321" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T13:05:04.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-05T13:08:40.987" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;While there's nothing wrong with being a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallflower_(people)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;wallflower&lt;/a&gt; (I am too), it's always a good idea to have an upbeat response ready for those times when you're questioned. My usual one is along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, hey Bob, I'm just relaxing here and enjoying my drink - I've never been much of a social butterfly, but I do enjoy watching from the sidelines. My wife says I'd make a great bouncer!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is to have some quick response that sends the message &quot;No, I'm not sulking or being an outcast - I'm enjoying myself in my own way.&quot; If they press deeper, then you can elaborate as much as you feel appropriate - anywhere from a simple &quot;I've always been happy to enjoy my own company&quot; to &quot;I get a little claustrophobic in a group - I find I enjoy the evening far more if I step back a little.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4071" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T13:08:40.987" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12816" CreationDate="2018-04-05T13:35:46.173" Score="84" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel like I have been cheated, as I offered to pay for the hotel because I thought they wanted to be frugal on the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to challenge this. Think about it from your friends point of view. In the initial discussion of the trip, they did not find staying in the nice hotel to be important enough to warrant spending $300. They offered an alternative (a cheaper hotel) but you offered to just pay for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does not mean they couldn't afford the nice hotel, or that they didn't want to spend $300 on the trip, it probably just means that while vacationing they felt that their money would be better spent on activities rather than a hotel room. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your offer to pay for the hotel was very generous, but realistically after you offer to pay it becomes a gift, their motivations for wanting or not wanting a particular hotel are immaterial. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now on to your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I approach my friends about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best bet here is to bring up to your friends that you misunderstood their intentions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob and Joanne, I decided to stick with this hotel because I thought that it was beyond the budget of everyone's vacation. If I had realized it was affordable but just unwanted, I might have picked something else with the rest of you. Lets try to communicate about this better for the next trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to not place blame or any expectation for payment because &lt;strong&gt;you already offered to pay without any clarification of their reasoning.&lt;/strong&gt; Now, your friends might very well offer to contribute more once your feelings are clear, but they would also be perfectly in the right to just apologize for the misunderstanding and carry on with their day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, I think the best course of action here is to bring up the nature of the misunderstanding and hope for the best. If they decide to contribute more, great. If not, chalk it up to experience. A bit of money which you were already planning to spend anyway is probably not worth the strain to your friendship or the negative impact it would have on the rest of your trip. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastEditorUserId="15895" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T15:08:28.263" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T15:08:28.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-05T13:46:25.167" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you answered your own question in your question when you said &quot;This isn't because these parties are bad or the host isn't trying, they're just not for me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep following that train of thought. Assure the host the party is fine but you simply don't thrive in this kind of social situation. If pressed, explain that you are a strong introvert. Anything more than that is really not anyone's business. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is pressed further, or the host tries to force your participation in part activities or anything else that seems to be trying to &quot;fix&quot; you, kindly advise that while you recognize the best intentions, it simply makes you more uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2675" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T13:46:25.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12822" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-05T13:48:52.567" Score="1" ViewCount="567" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the multiplayer-games I play with friends end with them telling me how I am unbearable and ruin the game for them. &#xA;I like playing these games and I like playing quite competitively, although I enjoy a good challange far more than a fast victory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of my friends however do not share my attitude at all. When we play video games together they only agree to play co-op vs AI (which is just boring in most games). I am known for my 'militant' play-style in Civilization games, which I learned playing vs AI, yet none of them even tries to build any defences, instead they'll quit once I attack them, even if taking military action is the only way to prevent them to achieve a slow but steady victory over the next couple hours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't get them to try facing me in any Real Time Strategy Game, even if I set up a prize pool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In less aggressive games like 'the Guild', I've even been called an anti-social asshole, just because I wanted to choose the same profession as one of my friends (and thus risk creating a 'conflict' on the market).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd love to have a good challenge, but playing with these guys is like playing ludo without the abillitiy to kick anyones pieces from the board. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have any ideas how to introduce these hardcore softies to a more competitive gameplay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16322" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T15:03:48.417" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T15:03:48.417" Title="How do I convince my friends to play a game more competitively?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-04-05T15:16:09.143" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12816" CreationDate="2018-04-05T14:10:13.737" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why cheated? &#xA;If she didn't want to spend that much for a hotel it doesn't mean that she wouldn't spend that amount of money in a way she finds more appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You thought that she didn't want to pay for the hotel because of her lack of money, but this was just a wrong view from your side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already said that you will take care of it, so I don't see any reason for changing the plan. &#xA;My personal point of view: I wouldn't ruin the travel or, even worse, the friendship, for a 300$ hotel. You enjoyed it? good, that's it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10527" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T14:10:13.737" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12822" CreationDate="2018-04-05T14:14:37.297" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are many gamers who enjoy certain video games and their multiplayer modes but have no interest in playing at a competitive level, regardless of their talent. It's either just to unwind or to enjoy another aspect of it, such as the story or role-playing aspect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds as if your friends have no desire to reach your level of passion. If you are determined to continue playing with them, you will have to be more accommodating of their preferred play styles. Indulge their preferences every so often with co-op games. Similarly, you can ease them towards your level by suggesting (for example) upping the AI opponent's level on occasion or suggesting opening the game up to guest players online. Find a compromise, and if they are still unaccommodating, it might be time to find a more suited crowd to spend some time with or go solo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than talk down about them, allow them to see the benefits of playing more competitively. Perhaps there are aspects of the game that remain unexplored or untried to them? Maybe there's a challenge or event that would previously be out of their bounds. Demonstrate these in a friendly way; find interesting reasons for them to engage at your level rather than just being told to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T14:14:37.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12826" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7116" CreationDate="2018-04-05T14:47:54.070" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When people ask about an uncomfortable topic, they are often trying to familiarize themselves with it.&lt;/strong&gt; Gradual familiarization is much easier than sudden immersion, so they usually ask about peripheral issues that avoid the most uncomfortable subjects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these cases, &lt;strong&gt;I find it is usually best to answer questions honestly but minimally.&lt;/strong&gt; You don't know what makes the other person uncomfortable, so the interaction is likely to remain relaxed if you remain outwardly relaxed while only touching on the specific information they addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There is a difference between discretion and hiding things.&lt;/strong&gt; You can be perfectly willing to share more information---and still decide to hold back some details out of consideration for others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There is more at play than sexuality alone.&lt;/strong&gt; If you've been closeted for a long time, you've hidden something fairly important from your family. This can cause some confusion as to how much of your past behavior was &quot;really you&quot;---or even unstated trust issues. Perhaps these ideas can be allayed by a casual hint or two that you're relieved to have your &quot;big secret&quot; out in the open after all this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16074" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T14:47:54.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12827" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12913" CreationDate="2018-04-05T15:10:58.330" Score="63" ViewCount="39686" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;TL;DR: I find one of my coworkers attractive but I know it'll pass over time. I don't want to engage in anything with this coworker, I'm just waiting for the end of the crush. I think I should tell my boyfriend because my vision of honesty tells me it's the right thing to do. How can I explain this to him and assure him I'm faithful in the meantime?&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was younger I read the story of a woman who had been married for ten years (she met her husband at the age of 16 and got married at age 20, or something like that). In her testimony, she was explaining that remaining with someone you've met at such a young age for such a long time needed concessions.&#xA;She talked about the importance of sincerity, and she said that any time she or her husband had doubts about their relationship, were having a hard time or simply were attracted to someone else, they just told the other one, even if it could hurt, even if it could end in an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend, we promised fidelity to each other and we have common plans for the future (we already concretized some of them, for instance we adopted a shelter cat and it feels to us like we had a child together).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently began a new job and I'm not insensitive to one of my coworkers (both about his beauty and his personality). I know these kind of things happen and I am not worried, for I know &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/getting-crushes-while-married&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;it happens and it also goes&lt;/a&gt;. I do not want anything to happen with this coworker, I'm just waiting for this crush to end. I'd like to stress the fact that this does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; prevent me from loving my boyfriend, in fact he's the man I want to marry and I have no problem with the idea of spending the rest of my life with him. The thing is, I recently thought about this woman's testimony and I began to wonder if I was faithful to my boyfriend by not entrusting my crush for another man to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to tell my boyfriend about this because I do not keep many secrets from him and I don't want to hide it from him, even if this crush doesn't change anything about my feelings for him or my behavior towards him. &lt;strong&gt;How could I address this crush with him while ensuring my faithfulness?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Based on all things specified in comments:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm not asking for help to &quot;forget my coworker&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. I specifically stated that I know it'll pass, because these things happen, don't they? &lt;strong&gt;I'm asking for help to gently approach the issue with my boyfriend&lt;/strong&gt;, to tell him I find someone attractive without making him believe he's not good enough for me, that I'll cheat on him or leave him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If my coworker would make any move towards me, &lt;strong&gt;I'd not answer it&lt;/strong&gt;. I love my boyfriend and I promised faithfulness to him, and I want to stay with him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It happens oftentimes that &lt;strong&gt;my boyfriend tells me he finds a woman beautiful&lt;/strong&gt; while we're crossing the street. I'm not at ease when he does this because I'm not confident about my own beauty, but we both consider it is natural to be attracted to somebody else, both mentally and physically. I'd like to emphase the fact that &lt;strong&gt;I'm not bothered by the fact that he tells me, I'm bothered by my lack of self-confidence.&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;I on the other hand don't tell him when I see someone attractive, because this is not a habit of mine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We're both in our mid-20s and in France, we've been together for two years, I'm his first relationship and I've known people before him but he's my longest and most serious relationship. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How it went&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote class=&quot;spoiler&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt; Some of you asked me to tell you how it went. Actually, the way I did approach the issue isn't very reproducible: Bob knows that I'm quite active on IPS, and so &lt;strong&gt;I told him I've asked this question and that I was amused and impressed by the number of responses I got from it&lt;/strong&gt;. This joke gave a chance to open up the dialogue on &lt;strong&gt;whether he'd like to know when I find someone attractive&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;(because as I said many times, we both consider these things happen, even when engaged in a relationship)&lt;/em&gt;.  This conversation ended up very well: I knew after that &lt;strong&gt;what he'd like to know or not&lt;/strong&gt;, and I had the opportunity to &lt;strong&gt;let him know I'm not at ease&lt;/strong&gt; when he comments my friends' attractiveness.  However, this worked because we have an &quot;open&quot; relationship, where we can freely speak of mostly anything, and I'm aware that this isn't very common. If it's not your case, I'd recommend to refer to &lt;strong&gt;Daniel's excellent answer&lt;/strong&gt;, or to &lt;strong&gt;OldPadawan's very good piece of advice&lt;/strong&gt; if your SO has a sense of humor allowing such kind of jokes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to &lt;strong&gt;thank you all&lt;/strong&gt; for your (sometimes very creative) answers. I've learned a lot from all of you (especially when we disagree ;) ). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-04-11T07:49:02.287" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T09:25:07.227" Title="I have a crush on a coworker but won't act on it, how can I tell my boyfriend about it and that I'll remain faithful?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;taboo&gt;" AnswerCount="20" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="24" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-05T15:25:47.590" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why go to parties since you don't enjoy them in the first place?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You obviously hate parties and you are having a bad time being in one.&#xA;You don't like something, don't do it! Reject party invitations, by simple saying that you don't like parties in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your friends need to understand that you are simple not a party guy.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people might not like theaters, you do not like parties. Plain and simple.&#xA;The mistake you are doing is that you actually continue attending parties even though you hate them. &#xA;Once you stop going to parties and by explaining to your friends that you don't like parties, it will get clear that you &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; don't like parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the same time, &lt;strong&gt;you don't to want to be left aside from your friends&lt;/strong&gt;, so you will need to show them your willingness to hang out with them and participate in their other activities e.g. coffee, cinema etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You will need to make it clear that it's not that you don't like them - you just hate parties.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having applied these actions for some time, your friends will get that you are not a party guy and they will even stop inviting you, not because they have pushed you aside but because they know you hate parties and that you are going to say no for sure. &#xA;Of course, they will still throw invites to you from time to time, it' normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never forget that if some day, for some reason, you truly feel going to a party in general or to a specific one, you can always state that to your friends;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey guys, tonight strangely enough I feel like partying, is your party&#xA;  still on?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11962" LastEditorUserId="11962" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T20:49:06.437" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T20:49:06.437" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12829" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12796" CreationDate="2018-04-05T15:40:04.157" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt; your resolution of leaving her is just for practical reasons (you don't know how to bring her and the kids with you, her family will be far away etc), then there's no reason for you to not &lt;strong&gt;speak about it with her&lt;/strong&gt;. She could have some hidden resource or some great idea that could allow your whole family to move to Europe. She's maybe dependent on you emotionally, but &lt;em&gt;she's your peer under any other aspect&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't take decisions unilaterally, give her the chance of contributing to it. I'm not saying that there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a way for them to follow you. I'm saying that since you two are in a relationship, don't take decisions in her place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I decided to move to Europe to work as a software engineer. I'll be there for at least two years, probably four. I thought about a workaround for you and the kids to come with me,  but regrettably I wasn't able to find any. What do you think about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt;, on the other hand, your decision of going to Europe is also intertwined with personal reasons (doing an experience alone / not loving her anymore etc), then the decision is on you alone. Be aware that if you tell her that you're looking for a job in Europe and you're going to leave her for this reason, and then you don't find a work, your relationship is not probably going to be the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't do it gradually, baldPrussian explains very well &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12801/6808&quot;&gt;why&lt;/a&gt; in their answer. It will just create a setting of anxiety. Just be clear.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You will both cry a lot. It will be an emotionally difficult time for both of you. &lt;strong&gt;HOWEVER&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are leaving her, so don't try to get compassion from her or be consoled, at least not in the first times.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give her options to not live with you, if she doesn't want to. Be prepared to move out, if it will be necessary.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Depending on your relationship with the children, you may need to talk with them as well. &lt;strong&gt;Don't be the person that abandones them inexplicably.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be prepared to the possibility of being accused of choosing your own career over her and the children, of selfishness and egoism etc. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T15:40:04.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-05T16:23:35.683" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When you bring it up with your boyfriend, frame it like you're asking him for help in managing it or making it go away, in addition to mentioning all the reassurances you put in your question.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply being told not to worry about something often makes it worse. Asking him for help with it - even if you don't actually need help - both lets him know what's going on and enlists him as an ally against what could be a threat to your relationship&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2145" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T16:23:35.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12831" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12833" CreationDate="2018-04-05T16:47:25.683" Score="10" ViewCount="1520" Body="&lt;p&gt;My younger brother is graduating college this spring. His college is halfway across the country from me, and graduation falls on a holiday weekend. I looked up travel options this weekend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;~$1000 for flight, hotel, and rental car&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;~$300-400 for hotel and gas, and spend 24+ hrs driving there and back (holiday traffic!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a lot for me, although not &lt;em&gt;impossible&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother and I are not close and I have no idea how important it is to him that I attend in person. (Technically he hasn't even told me when his graduation is - I looked it up online - so maybe not that much, but I don't want to assume.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another complicating factor is that I'm sure my estranged sister will be there, and for multiple reasons I will be very uncomfortable seeing her. On a couple of occasions in the past my family has gotten upset at me for being uncomfortable. E.g. before complete estrangement but after things had gotten bad, my family visited my area to help my sister move; I was told if I was &quot;going to be awkward, don't come&quot;. I'm not sure if my brother would feel similarly and prefer I don't go and ruin the happy family get-together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, what if he is offended that I'm even considering skipping it? All my siblings went to my college graduation.. of course, they all lived with my parents within an hour drive at the time.. (and personally I wouldn't have cared that much if someone didn't make it, but I know that's not always the case.) Again, in the past I've been surprised by a family member's reaction when I mentioned possibly not going to some event that I (mistakenly) thought wasn't a big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is all the same to him I'd much rather just watch the livestream, send a card, and save my money / time / mental health. But if it is important to him and he does want me there, I will go. I just don't know how to figure out how he feels about it, without hurting his feelings if it is a big deal to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I ask if he wants me to attend without offending?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T02:52:39.443" Title="How to approach someone about possibly not attending an event without offending?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12832" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12831" CreationDate="2018-04-05T17:01:27.463" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In situations like this I find it much easier to make the inquiry via a third party. Ask one of your parents (or a sibling you're in good relationship with if you have one) to find out for you if it's important for him that you attend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's much easier for a third party to ask about it without the risk of your brother being offended, it can even be done without letting him know that you consider skipping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was talking to EM the other day and he struggles finding an affordable flight to your graduation, is it important for you that he comes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's important for him that you come he will say yes, if it's not important it's going to be much easier for him to say no to a third party (he might also be afraid to offend you buy telling you it's not important to him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5412" LastEditorUserId="5412" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T18:05:37.610" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T18:05:37.610" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12831" CreationDate="2018-04-05T17:12:35.867" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would argue that you should actually speak directly to your brother on the matter.  It's &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; graduation, after all.  Talking to your parents or other family members about your attendance will likely revolve more around their wish to (for lack of better terms) &quot;put up with&quot; the tension between yourself and your sister, and less about what your brother truly wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to talking to him about it, instead of putting him on the spot with, &quot;Do you want me to come or not?&quot;, try leading with something like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey! It's the big semester, and I saw your graduation date is set for XXX.  Will they have a live stream I should watch from or should I come be there in person?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This conveys the message that you care enough to have already looked up &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; graduation is for him.  Furthermore, you've considered both options and are presenting them equally for him to choose from, while subtly listing your preferred choice first.  This is the most forward and least on the spot way for you both to have this discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your biggest challenge is &lt;em&gt;starting&lt;/em&gt; this conversation in a way that won't offend your brother into thinking you are trying to get out of travelling for him, while also not locking yourself into travelling if he doesn't care either way. If that is a fair assessment, the above should accomplish that goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Afterwards, if, instead of just answering with one of the two options, your brother asks &quot;Do you want to come?&quot;, you can then express your own reasons: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, it's a bit of a trip, but one I'd make if you wanted the whole family to be there for you on your graduation day.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The emphasis is on hinting at what you want while still remaining neutral when presenting your brother with his options on your attendance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T18:11:25.107" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T18:11:25.107" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-05T17:54:19.327" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems like you don't want your boyfriend to treat this revelation as a big deal, so it's important to frame your revelation as an innocuous event. If you bring it up like you are asking for help with a problem then your boyfriend will be primed to view it as a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that it's useful to regularly revisit the agreements that you make with your partners in a relationship to get a better idea of exactly what they mean by terms like monogamous, polyamorous, or open. Since you are unsure how your boyfriend will respond to you talking about a crush, it might be a good idea to have conversation about whether they would like to know when you find yourself developing a crush on someone or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T18:42:24.993" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T18:42:24.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-05T18:06:54.340" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm surprised with all these answers that no one has mentioned this. I know several people with similar problems, but they are all caused by different things and they all deal with it differently. So let's look at it from a few angles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you don't want to discuss the specifics here, but you do mention it's related to mental health. I'll give a couple ideas from that perspective, but I'll also include a couple others for the sake of future readers (since, as mentioned, this has many causes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to handling all of these is &lt;strong&gt;empathy&lt;/strong&gt;. We need to make whoever is questioning your behavior &lt;em&gt;empathize&lt;/em&gt; with your situation, otherwise they likely won't be satisfied with anything you say. But in order to evoke empathy, you have to give up at least a tiny bit of personal information. Have no fear, we can do this without revealing anything terribly embarrassing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1) Phobias&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A number of phobias can cause someone to dislike large social gatherings. Claustrophobia, agoraphobia, etc. All can lead to anxiety, resulting in tension, headaches, nausea, feeling unable to breathe, and so on. Even mysophobia (more commonly known as &quot;germophobia&quot;) can come into play. I know someone who usually can't get close to people because they can &quot;see&quot; the germs expelled when other people breathe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with phobias is they usually aren't taken very seriously by society. They're an &quot;informal&quot; diagnosis, that some less-sensitive people think you can just &quot;get over&quot;. In this case it's better to focus on the anxiety aspect, which most people can relate to on some level. You can usually just leave it at that without further prodding, and it's not a very embarrassing thing to admit in this day and age where mental health is becoming a bigger concern. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What's wrong?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[smile] &quot;Sorry, crowds just make me anxious. I'll be okay, don't worry.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I bet you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who won't be sympathetic to that, and very few people would take it personally. If pressed on why you attended you can just follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm here to see [you/them/whoever], it's worth it to me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2) Anxiety&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This really has the same solution mentioned in #1, but it's worth spending a minute discussing anxiety and why you shouldn't be afraid of admitting to it. Anxiety, in various forms, is a very common and accepted medical diagnosis. Many people struggle with it daily, even if there's no specific trigger (&quot;generalized anxiety&quot;). Some can get by without needing help, but if it impacts their life significantly, there is a huge variety of treatment options. One possible solution if you want to kill it and avoid the headache could be getting a prescription for an &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiolytic&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;anxiolytic&lt;/a&gt; like lorazepam, which is a &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; common treatment for acute anxiety. Take one before going to the party and you'll likely feel much better and maybe even enjoy yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course all that only applies if anxiety is your problem (which it is in these cases 95% of the time, regardless of what causes it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3) Hyperacusis&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention headaches, so I wanted to touch on this briefly in case it's the cause. This is one that's not well-known to most people, but it is surprisingly prevalent. In a nutshell, &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperacusis&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;hyperacusis&lt;/a&gt; is a sensitivity to noise or certain types of noise. In severe cases it can be debilitating, but often it simply causes headaches, irritation, and is generally very uncomfortable. If this is your problem, congratulations, you now know the name for it! It's really not an embarrassing one to talk about, simply giving a quick explanation should be enough to put most people at ease:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What's wrong?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I've got this thing called hyperacusis, basically loud noises give me a bad headache. I'll be okay, I just need some air once in a while.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;4) Complex mental disorders&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I saved this for last because it's a trickier one to deal with, and I can imagine why you would be uncomfortable disclosing anything about it. There are several disorders that fall into this category, but you can treat them all the same in this case. We're talking about things like &lt;strong&gt;schizophrenia&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;schizo-affective disorder&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;bipolar disorder&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;borderline personality disorder&lt;/strong&gt;, various flavors of &lt;strong&gt;dysmorphic disorder&lt;/strong&gt; (like the kind that make other people/objects mutate into terrible things), the list goes on and on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short, any of these can cause major discomfort in social situations that are out of your control, and can make it easy for you to be overwhelmed by the sensory stimuli around you. It's perfectly normal to want to avoid social gatherings in this case, so don't feel bad about that. If this is the problem, you can still handle a concerned host/friend without giving too much away. This is one of the easiest approaches:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What's wrong?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm okay, big crowds just make me uncomfortable. Too much noise and commotion, you know.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first part of that response is a little cryptic and might spawn further questions, so adding a pinch of detail (substitute whatever symptom you think applies to you best) should be enough to evoke that empathy from them. Notice how it's not terribly different from the previous suggestions, they're all intentionally vague but reveal &lt;em&gt;just enough&lt;/em&gt; personal detail to get the questioner to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The exact detail you reveal depends on what kind of problem you actually have, but it keeps you from having to lie or mislead anyone. More than likely, whoever you tell it to will remember it in the future and not interrogate you further, beyond just checking to make sure you're okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;tl;dr&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these people actually care about you at all, a tiny dose of honesty will be enough to gain their empathy and prevent further questioning. No need to lie or be awkward about it, or worry about revealing too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T18:06:54.340" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12837" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12831" CreationDate="2018-04-05T18:11:28.367" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The estrangement with your sister is a perfect reason to just ask your brother.  Your concerns about cost and inconvenience are going to be much harder to communicate without causing offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get on the phone with him and say that you're concerned about the possibility of conflict between yourself and your sister ruining what should be his event.  Tell him that you think it is important for you to be supportive of his wishes, but that you're not sure of the best way to do that.  Then just offer to attend remotely.  Perhaps something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to make sure that your graduation weekend is about &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;, but I'm concerned that if I'm around our sister it will be awkward.  When you all came to my area to help her move, {family member} told me to not come around in order to avoid drama.  It's important to me that I am there for you, but I'd hate for your graduation to turn into a discussion of why {sister} and I aren't getting along.  Would you be okay if I attended via livestream, and then you and I could celebrate at a later date?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key parts are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him that you want to support him (i.e. as you said, if its really important to him that you be there, you're willing to go despite the cost and risk of drama)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain that the situation with your sister is cause for concern.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point out that you've specifically been asked in the past to avoid family events due to the situation with your sister&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer what you want to do (attend remotely) as an alternative&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding an offer to celebrate with him separately is a demonstration of good-faith.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T18:11:28.367" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-05T18:30:27.790" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You want your BF to know that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you found a coworker attractive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you wouldn't do anything to betray him (BF).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don't want to lie or hide something to your SO.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you want him to know he's more important to you than anyone else.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, I would do what I usually tell my GF when this happens. A little salt, half spoon of pepper, and a dash of humor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;wow, sweetie! We have that girl in the office now, you wouldn't believe it. So cute, so sexy! If you were not on this earth, if I had never known you, I would definitely have a crush on her. Easier if I looked like Brad Pitt too, but hey... Anyway, no one can match, she could only be 2nd to you in my heart :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You tell him everything, no lie, what you feel, both ways, about him (BF) and about coworker. And it's done in a way that shows how important your SO is to you, no matter how much you can thrill and chill once in a while when looking at somebody else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And MY girlfriend does the same, we often end up laughing and telling stories like &quot;&lt;em&gt;you could bring her home and the 3 of us, you know...&lt;/em&gt;&quot; :))&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are humans, we can't be perfect all the time, and, sometimes, our brain, our eyes, and our body, can think, see and feel different. &quot;&lt;em&gt;Watching the menu doesn't mean you'll end up eating at Joe's&lt;/em&gt;&quot; (roughly translated) used to say my old man...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, YMMV, as personalities are different, so you may adapt my advice to you and your BF, with your own words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Side notes: beside the facts that we sometimes joke about such a serious matter, my GF and I are still deeply in love years later, laugh and share as much, maybe even more, as in our first years. Maybe because when you can talk and laugh about serious things, it can make them less serious and painful sometimes. Last but not least: it never ended that one of us finally brought her/his crush back home... ^^&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T10:40:37.023" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T10:40:37.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-05T18:36:10.243" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a difficult question because it depends heavily on the kind of person your boyfriend is, and the type of relationship you have. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the best way to handle these situations is to first evaluate how the other person would feel about you sharing this type of information. Almost everyone is experienced enough to realize that their partner will at times have physical attractions to other people, but many are people are happier to allow that possibility to exist in the theoretical realm rather than face it directly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, you can start out with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey boyfriend, often times you mention when someone that you see or know is attractive. How would you feel if I was open with you about the people I know that I find attractive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing after he lets you know how he feels is to respect his feelings. If he tells you that he does not want to hear about these things, it is probably best to let it go. Again, any rational person will know that their partner will have attractions to people at various times so it is not dishonest or &quot;cheating&quot; to have these feelings &lt;strong&gt;even if you don't explicitly discuss them&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your question, you seem to have framed your relationship in such a way that you are both capable of these conversations, so lets assume that is the case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you frame the conversation the way I have suggested above, it is unlikely your boyfriend will raise issues of your faithfulness because you have already drawn comparisons to his own behavior. In this case, you can simply say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm glad I can be open with you about this because I love you, and I really value the honesty in our relationship. I happen to find Greg at work attractive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phrasing things this way almost leaves Greg as something of an &quot;afterthought&quot;, as indeed your attraction to him really is an afterthought compared to your relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pay attention to your boyfriends reaction when you tell him this. Leave it up to him to continue the conversation as he sees fit. He will likely have some questions, and you can clarify these - but pay attention. If he looks clearly uncomfortable it is probably best to not unload a bunch of information detailing your crush right away. If this is the first time you have discussed something like this, it may take him some time to process this attraction and come to terms with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, start out gently and let your boyfriend continue the pace of the conversation as he sees fit. You can always come back to it later if you feel like important details were left out, and if he is still comfortable continuing the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastEditorUserId="15895" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T20:11:52.153" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T20:11:52.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-05T19:03:15.287" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't act on it, don't tell anybody about it. Not your boyfriend, not anybody. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that your &quot;vision of honesty&quot; almost certainly has limits that you are not yet aware of. For example, if you were going to a job interview and he thought, privately, that you were unlikely to get the job, he would never tell you his thoughts. He would instead express confidence in you to build your own confidence, and that's what you would want from him. You would do the same in return. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You clearly have more honesty in this relationship than most people in my experience would be comfortable with, but your question suggests that at times your boyfriend occasionally approaches your own limits, and you may one day find that he has limits of his own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be destructive to call attention to every small imperfection in a relationship. A crush you have no desire to act on is a small imperfection. We all have thoughts in the privacy of our own minds that would hurt those we love. As long as those thoughts are just thoughts, we keep those thoughts private. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do act on the crush, that's a large imperfection and you'll need to tell your boyfriend about it then. But don't act on it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4561" LastEditorUserId="4561" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T13:55:40.567" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T13:55:40.567" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12841" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-05T20:01:31.980" Score="54" ViewCount="9515" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I are happily married and have a great relationship, but my wife is on occasion plagued by feelings of insecurity and concern that I am unhappy and want to leave the relationship. These feelings make her feel extremely uncomfortable and when they are bad she will ask for reassurance from me to prevent a negative downward spiral on her part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally am happy with our relationship and have no desire for it to end, but her requests can sometimes an ultimate characteristics:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I'm afraid you'll leave me &lt;em&gt;some day&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;If you're &lt;em&gt;ever&lt;/em&gt; thinking of leaving me, tell me immediately.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I can with certainty tell her that I want to be together with her right now, I don't have any reason to think that will change in the near future, and I haven't ever wanted to leave her before, I am having a hard time addressing the &lt;em&gt;ultimate&lt;/em&gt; quality of her concerns - that some day that might change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel dishonest telling her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I promise I won't &lt;em&gt;ever&lt;/em&gt; leave you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I &lt;em&gt;ever&lt;/em&gt; begin to think of leaving you, I promise I will tell you &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I can't predict the future. I change, my wife may change, our circumstances may change. I don't currently anticipate any changes on the horizon that would change my relationship with her on this kind of serious level, but I don't have control over what &lt;em&gt;may happen some day&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, if I try to convey this nuance with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I love you and I want to be with you, but I don't know what will happen in the distant future. I don't &lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt; my current feelings to change any time soon.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then this appears to her to be a signal that I'm hiding a deep-seated desire to actually end the relationship, and feeds into her fears that I actually do want to leave her. Any nuanced response beyond, &quot;No, I promise I won't leave you,&quot; is not only &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; comforting to her, it makes things worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I reassure my wife that I do not foresee our relationship ending without dishonestly guaranteeing a positive future outcome in all possible scenarios? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11211" LastEditorUserId="15895" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T21:48:12.943" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T11:04:20.057" Title="Maintaining honesty while being comforting in response to insecurity about relationship?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6389" CreationDate="2018-04-05T20:22:33.170" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would keep it neutral and put the ball back in their court to explain why they think you should care. Saying, &quot;Oh, I didn't know&quot; should suffice, but in a tone of voice that suggests you really don't care. The next move is theirs to take it in whatever direction they might want it to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should not be on you to ask their permission (after learning of their position, and much less before doing so) to continue eating your meal. If they have restrictions on who they eat with, it is entirely on them to communicate this before you tuck in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1687" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T20:22:33.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-05T20:26:53.457" Score="87" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have found that answers which detail an absurd situation that would prompt you leaving her often lighten up the situation, while pointing out that nobody can be 100% sure of the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wife, I love you with all of my heart and I don't anticipate our relationship failing, but I would probably leave you if you started murdering all of our neighbors pets and serving them to me for dinner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The absurd nature of the failure case also highlights that things would have to change &lt;em&gt;pretty drastically&lt;/em&gt; in order for you to consider leaving her. This should set her feelings that you are &quot;hiding a deep-seated desire to actually end the relationship&quot; at ease, because you would clearly only leave her if the situation was so drastic that you couldn't hope to reconcile it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastEditorUserId="15895" LastEditDate="2018-04-05T20:45:44.407" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T20:45:44.407" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-05T20:46:09.383" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I read the story of a woman who has been married for ten years (she met her husband at the age of 16 and got married at age 20, or something like this). In her testimony, she was explaining that remaining with someone you've met at such a young age for such a long time needed concessions. She talked about the importance of sincerity, and she said that any time she or her husband had doubts about their relationship, were having a hard time or simply were attracted to someone else, they just told the other one, even if it could hurt, even if it could end in an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first two things there (doubts about their relationship, having a hard time) may well be sensible things to talk about, because though the discussions might be painful, they might relate to problems that can be fixed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, simply being attracted to someone else isn't necessarily a problem if, as in your case, you're not going to act on it. That means there's nothing to be fixed - so risking a conversation that's likely to cause pain &lt;em&gt;for no benefit&lt;/em&gt; is probably not a good decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to tell my boyfriend about this because I do not keep many secrets from him and I don't want to hide it from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a way, it's nice that you want to be 100% open with your boyfriend about everything. But the reality is that in &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; relationships, many truths, if told, cause pain - and as above, from the point of view of the relationship, it's only worth it to tell them to your partner if there's likely to be a benefit &lt;em&gt;to the relationship&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, it could be that there &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; be a benefit to the relationship, but it's not really clear what benefit you anticipate. Because of this, the course of action right now is probably to say nothing!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that what you want with your boyfriend is an even closer relationship than you have now - an unusually close one where you really can tell each other everything. This is why I say that in a way, it's nice that you want to be 100% open. But the fact you've asked this question on this site indicates that you don't have that level of closeness - at least not yet. (I don't think that means it's a bad relationship - people can still be individuals with a little space between them, even in very loving relationships).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16064" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T20:46:09.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-05T21:02:26.553" Score="180" Body="&lt;p&gt;I vote to not bring it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many things that are true but that don't need to be said. I'm single right now, but when I had a wife, I just can't imagine telling her, &quot;Wow, there's this girl at work, Sally, who is just SO much prettier than you could ever be.&quot; Why bring it up? What is she going to do about it? It just hurts her feelings, makes her feel inadequate and insecure, for no reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are times when painful truths are necessary, like &quot;Your drinking has become a problem&quot;. Or at least have a point, like &quot;The meals you make are too spicy for me.&quot; You are asking the other person to take some action, to do something different. Their feelings may be hurt, but if they are willing to listen, in the long run it could improve your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, &quot;This guy at work is really handsome and funny&quot;? What is your boyfriend going to do? Besides feel put down and maybe insecure? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's something you would like your boyfriend to improve about himself -- if you want him to start wearing nicer clothes or brushing his teeth more often or whatever -- you'd be better off to just state that abstractly, without reference to some other man. But I gather from your question that that's not the issue. It's not that you want your boyfriend to be more like this other man. You just have feelings that you are hoping will pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be, (a) DON'T tell your boyfriend. He almost certainly doesn't want to know. And (b) If the feelings you have for this other man don't quickly fade, take action to kill them. (Kill the feelings, that is, not the other man!) Stay as far away from him as you can, and if at all possible avoid spending time alone with him. Force yourself to look past the haze of a crush and view him realistically: What are his faults? He's probably not really as wonderful as your emotions make him out to be. Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastEditorUserId="10718" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T13:22:37.203" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T13:22:37.203" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-05T21:05:01.560" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel dishonest telling her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I promise I won't ever leave you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fair enough - after all that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a rather meaningless thing to say to someone you love!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her something that's true, but comforting. &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;Are you planning to stop being wonderful? No? Ok, well, I guess you'll be stuck with me forever then.&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I ever begin to think of leaving you, I promise I will tell you immediately&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, if you married someone with any hint of the usual vows or assumptions that come with marriage, you implicitly &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; promised to try at least work though problems (even if you don't think you'd start those conversations by saying 'I'm considering leaving') - at least to the extent that the concept of a 'promise' means anything at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The particular phrasing above is kind of funny enough that you could just make the promise as requested, while maintaining good humour. &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;Yes, I promise - I'll tell you the very instant it crosses my mind.&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; (Followed by a quick kiss and a change of subject to something you both want to talk about, like your next holiday*).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&lt;sub&gt;because the momentum of conversations matters as much as the logic - &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/r3BO6GP9NMY?t=4&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://youtu.be/r3BO6GP9NMY?t=4&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Taking a step back, you might want to consider if you could do anything to make your wife feel more secure. It may be that you can't, but when's the last time you randomly went to the room she's in, just to give her a kiss, then went back to what you were doing? took a minute to just cuddle when you meet on the landing? Bought her something random that you know she loves? Maybe you do all these things regularly... I'm just asking :)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16064" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user16064" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T10:15:55.830" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12831" CreationDate="2018-04-05T21:53:26.087" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it comes down to how you frame the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To take the extreme, if you were to say, &quot;Making this trip would cost me a bunch of money, and you're not important enough to me to go to that kind of extent. How about if I just don't show up?&quot;, well, obviously that would be rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But something like, &quot;Is it important to you that I attend your graduation? If you don't really care, I don't want to spend the money on the plane fare, but of course if it's important to you, your my brother and I'll come.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, what has your brother said to you, if anything? My family is scattered over a wide area, and there have been a number of times when we've had some family event and the person has called me and said, &quot;I understand it's a long trip, but you're certainly welcome if you'd like to come&quot;, versus &quot;... but I'd really like you to come&quot;. That is, the wording of the invitation will often indicate how much they care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, how well do you know your brother? You seemed to indicate that you're not sure if this is important to him or not. When my daughter graduated college, I asked her if she wanted me to attend her graduation, and she replied that she wasn't going to attend her graduation because she just didn't care about the ritual. Which I guess solved that question. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, how hard will it be for you to afford the trip? If it's, &quot;this will cost almost as much as I spend on lunches for a WEEK&quot;, that's very different from &quot;this will wipe out my life savings&quot;. There are times when I have told friends and relatives, &quot;I'm sorry, but I just can't make it&quot;, because I simply didn't have the money (or vacation time or whatever). If a relative is going to hate me for the rest of my life because I wasn't willing to lose my house so I could be one of 500 guests at some ceremony, well, too bad. I'm not going to feel very guilty about that. I guess the hardest cases are when it's borderline, when you COULD afford it, but it will be a strain, or at least, more than it seems like it's worth to YOU.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T21:53:26.087" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12850" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-05T21:59:10.650" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I like being social for about 2 hours. Sometimes longer, but a lot of times I'm done with whatever social activity at that point. It is completely fair to go to these events for however long you are enjoying them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do suggest you go and make an effort. 30 minutes of a fully engaged friend having a good time is far better than hanging out uncomfortably for 4 hours. I think everyone can make a good effort out of something for at least half an hour ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, even if I don't want to go at all, I get pleasure from knowing my friend invited me, wants me to be there, and wants to spend time with me. If my presence can make someone else happy, that is enough for me to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, it's okay to be honest and tell people that you are very introverted, and dont want to stay for the full time of the even. I think they would appreciate your honesty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9216" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T21:59:10.650" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-05T22:46:33.950" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would not &quot;bring it up&quot; - way too much ceremony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you routinely tell your SO about your day? Then it'll come up just naturally: &quot;Omg, did I tell you about this new guy? He came in from [...] to [...], and he's so cute about it! He did [abc] / He looks a bit like [xyz] from that movie, remember that guy?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can take it from there. It's just matter of fact. Nothing to hide, nothing to make important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your SO raises a brow, you could offer a &quot;Yeah, well. He &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; cute. Nothing meant, I see many cute people, I hope you do too :)&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, just move on to the work woes and other daily stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3889" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T22:46:33.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-05T22:56:31.220" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in your shoes a few times in my relationship. Every time I've told my boyfriend about being attracted to someone else but not wanting to pursue it, or something bad I did that doesn't impact him, he's told me afterwards that he would have rather I not told him in the first place - it would have saved him a lot of drama without any downsides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have said, you do need to think about how your boyfriend would react to being told, as well as how he would react to not being told and then finding out later. But if you decide not to tell him - which is an extremely reasonable decision to make in a lot of relationships, probably most of them - please don't feel like you're lying to him or keeping a secret. Rather, you're respecting his boundaries by not dragging him into things that are simply not worth the emotional energy. That is very respectable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2672" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T22:56:31.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-05T23:32:55.557" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't have to be perfectly honest. Her question isn't perfectly honest. It's the best way she can verbalize her insecurity. In any marriage, when one person asks, &quot;Would you ever leave me?&quot; the answer is always &quot;no&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It causes basic insecurity in a marriage if one or both spouses thinks it might end, for whatever practical reason that might theoretically come along. If your wife woke up with her cosmetics smeared, horrible breath, hair all messed up, and asked, &quot;How do I look?&quot; would you say, &quot;Terrible!&quot;? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, you would say the right thing, because beautiful is part of the definition of 'woman'. Forever is part of the definition of marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-04-05T23:32:55.557" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12831" CreationDate="2018-04-05T23:49:59.653" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My experience with graduations is that the graduate is allowed only so many attendees. Your brother might not have mentioned it, because he's already reached his limit. He might feel uncomfortable telling you that you're pretty far down on the list, so there's no seat available for you. Food for thought!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just forget about it. If he contacts you, based on what he says, then decide. But if he doesn't give you enough notice, you have to tell him that. Based on my experience in similar matters involving graduations, that is what I would recommend&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-24T02:52:39.443" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T02:52:39.443" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T01:49:49.363" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every relationship I ever had included mutual and frequent promises of eternal love and... I'm single. Marriage vows usually include &quot;until death do us part&quot; or something similar and yet more than &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201702/what-is-the-divorce-rate-really&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;40%&lt;/a&gt; of marriages end in divorce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Promising to love and stay with each other forever is something that couples do to make each other feel good and secure, it's a helpful white lie and most people don't overthink it and lie to themselves as well believing that they're actually capable of making that impossible promise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You overthought it ;-) and now you have a problem not wanting to lie to you wife. You can try overthinking it even more; The philosopher &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derek_Parfit&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Derek Parfit&lt;/a&gt; argues in his &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reasons_and_Persons&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Reasons and Persons&lt;/a&gt; book that you and future you are not the same people:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;At time 1, there is a person. At a later time 2, there is a person. These people seem to be the same person. Indeed, these people share memories and personality traits. But there are no further facts in the world that make them the same person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on that the you who makes that promise and the you who might break it in the future are different people and you are not lying when you make it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wife wants and needs to hear that promise from you and you need to find a way to say it to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her desire to address any issues you might be having before they explode is practical and reasonable. Promising her you will bring them up is something you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do. If you will tell her every week:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I ever begin to think of leaving you, I promise I will tell you immediately&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're actually promising is to tell her during the next week. You're not going to change that much in a week so that's a promise you know you can keep and not a lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5412" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T01:49:49.363" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T02:07:37.310" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Rather than try to answer her question directly (and as you said, feel dishonest in the process), I would suggest turning the question around back to her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I certainly have no intention of ever leaving you, but I would hope that if &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; were unhappy in our relationship, or for any other reason, that you would feel you could tell me immediately too.  It's so important that we always communicate so there are no surprises on either side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also strongly suggest that you DO always make sure you talk to your wife.  Communication is the key to any relationship, so always make a point of telling her how you feel and encourage her to do the same.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8641" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T02:07:37.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12816" CreationDate="2018-04-06T02:30:06.013" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The term &quot;cheated&quot; is probably not exactly what you mean? Rather than cheated, this felt more of feeling &quot;under-valued&quot;? Or feeling oneself is taken for granted? Sorry I don't really know the right word for it and I might be wrong about my interpretations, but I felt some underlying issues... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have stated that you friend doesn't want to spend too much on hotel. And many have explained that it is likely due to a value perspective differences between you and your friends, and yea... I agreed on it as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you have left out few more details here. But what I think the issue is, &lt;strong&gt;lacking of communication in your friend and her having a thought that &quot;you will be fine with it&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the following scenario: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Friend A: Hey, let's go out for supple! &#xA;Friend B: Aww... sorry, I am on a diet... &#xA;Friend C: Hey guys, McDonald is having a McNuggets offer at 6 for $3. Let's &#xA;go for it! &#xA;Friend B: Oh... okay yea, sounds a good deal. Sure! &#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As much as the reasoning seems that Friend B agreed to go because of the deal, but Friend A could easily thought otherwise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why does Friend B rejected me? Does Friend A mentioned he/she's on diet? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is it really because of the deal, or it is because of Friend C who asked?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And so on... &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While Friend A can be thought as being &lt;em&gt;too sensitive&lt;/em&gt;, but likely this kind of scenario won't be just happening once. Friend A probably will not be saying anything at all (because of scaring of being thought as &lt;em&gt;too sensitive&lt;/em&gt;). Eventually, all those will add up, and gradually, Friend A will be drifting off from Friend B and C, while both of them be clueless on why is that so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I am not indicating that Friend B is not valuing the friendship neither he/she does anything wrong by going for the McDonald's deal despite mentioning he/she is on diet. But he/she could do is by giving some explanations and asking back Friend A. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Friend B: Oh, that's super tempting. McDonald hardly has any deals. Aww... &#xA;Hey Friend A, I am sorry. I am going to take back my words about dieting &#xA;for... tonight. Let's go for this delicious and super-tempting McNuggets! &#xA;Yea? Are you okay about this? It's MC-NUGGETS...!!&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course there will be many ways to explain, depending on your style. But many might would have think this action is not needed or troublesome. Yes, but this would make the friendship last longer &lt;strong&gt;because you are respecting and showing you value the friendship&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People might argue that true friendship will understand what you thinking and words are not needed. Yea, depending on the closeness and context. But no as well, as you will &lt;em&gt;accidentally&lt;/em&gt; be taking the friendship for granted. People tends to change due to many reasons, so always don't assume you know the other person just because you have knew him/her for 20 years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a long essay, I agreed with what Link0352 posted that you should clear the misunderstanding with your friends. And then, try not to think so much at the moment and just enjoy your trip first...! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T02:30:06.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T03:07:19.763" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I started reading your question I was thinking of explaining something about how intrusive thoughts in OCD are treated, so you could help her desensitize about this; but then I kept reading, and found out that you are pathologically honest.  You even appear to have used your real name and photograph here.  So let's turn it around.  If you want to be less of a slave to your conscience, set yourself increasing levels of challenge to desensitize yourself to telling white lies.  Make yourself a list of situations in which a white lie might be an option.  Then rank them according to how uncomfortable they would make you, to actually tell the white lie.  Then start with the easiest one, and &lt;em&gt;tell the white lie&lt;/em&gt;.  You may feel rather miserable. You may feel an itch to undo it by doing your pathologically honest explanations.  Note down, as time goes by, how strongly you feel that itch.  Well, the human body can't sustain the physical manifestations of that discomfort for hours on end, so at some point, the discomfort will subside.  (Note, however, it's possible to get a two-humped curve.)  Do the exercise again the next day.  It will get easier at some point, and within two or three weeks of doing the exercise daily or almost daily, it will become old hat and you won't feel the intrusive thought about it any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a particular level is too much of a jump from the previous, you should expand your list of graded challenges, and make a finer grid in that region.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying you have to become a liar.  But to get through life comfortably it's helpful to be able to compliment Aunt Gladys on her beef stew even though if you never had to eat it again that would be too son.  (Because you are fond of your Aunt Gladys and you don't want to hurt her feelings.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the short term, I suggest you explain to your wife that your need to feel scrupulously honest has caused you to create unnecessary anxiety in her, and she should not pay you any mind in that regard, because this is your problem, and has nothing to do with her or her relationship with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that is being productively honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T03:07:19.763" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T03:13:24.030" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;don't have control over what may happen some day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but you do. You can commit to doing your best, no matter what, to continue making the relationship work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you won't do that, out loud, you're giving the unspoken message that you aren't actually that committed; instead you're saying, &lt;em&gt;Well, things might change …&lt;/em&gt; and it seems likely they've picked up on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7201" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T03:13:24.030" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12831" CreationDate="2018-04-06T03:21:18.197" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask him.  For example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How important is it to you that I go to your graduation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could invite him to go on a nice vacation with you for a week or so sometime in early summer to celebrate his graduation with you one on one.  If money is tight, you could invite him to a staycation at your place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, as you are taking a step back (re the graduation ceremony), you could balance that out with an invitation to celebrate it in a different way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T03:21:18.197" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-06T03:38:52.283" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have two suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Look for opportunities for you and your partner to get to know this coworker better outside work.  This will open things up.  Also, without getting romantically involved, you can enjoy spending time with this dreamboat.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Share the short story, or your recollection of it, with your partner (without bringing up your coworker or anyone else specific).  Talk about what you like about the story and the approach taken in it.  Discuss it with your partner.  This will increase your common ground and your understanding of each other.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4366" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T03:38:52.283" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12874" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T04:12:29.297" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly let me say that I think you're getting too hung up on semantics here.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;The important bit is not the words, but the intent.&lt;/strong&gt; If you at this point in time have no intention of leaving your wife, then that's what matters, not some &quot;what if&quot; scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realisitically, yes, you might someday leave your wife, or she might leave you for another man. But we can't all cling to ifs and maybes when choosing our wording. There are times for being specific and factual, and there are times for expressing intent. This is the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I said &quot;I won't die tomorrow&quot; and then the next day I get hit by a bus, I didn't lie to anyone - I certainly believed I wouldn't die tommorrow and I had no intention of dying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody can predict the future, but nobody should let that inability to predict the future prevent them from saying things that express their intent despite potentially being false someday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, you could say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I assure you that I have &lt;em&gt;no intention&lt;/em&gt; of ever leaving you&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is true, you don't intend to ever leave her at this point in time. That doesn't mean you won't change your mind, but correctly expresses your current intent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also try to turn her question back on her.&#xA;Ask &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Why do you think that I would leave you?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps she has some deep-rooted problem that she needs to discuss. Perhaps there are underlying reasons for these thoughts. Getting rid of the reasons would do more good than 1000 repetitions of &quot;I'm not going to leave you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastEditorUserId="2078" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T21:39:34.613" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T21:39:34.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T06:49:25.963" Score="48" Body="&lt;p&gt;You appear to be taking your spouse's statements and requests at face value, but in my experience, statements and requests like this from a SO often mean something quite different than their direct content. You cited:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm afraid you'll leave me some day.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;If you're ever thinking of leaving me, tell me immediately.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kind of statement usually is a semaphore signalling that &lt;em&gt;in the recent past&lt;/em&gt; you have not been meeting her needs.  She is not worried about the future as much as she is telling you that you have not made her feel safe and secure now or in the immediate past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically when people ask for this kind of reassurance they are responding to a specific interaction or pattern of interactions that bothered them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you don't believe you have control over your future behavior and you don't want to just make the conventional promises that reiterate spousal vows. That's actually great because now you can be extra-motivated to have the conversation your spouse likely &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; wants and needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean the non-defensive conversation where you learn what you've said or done (or failed to say or do) that prompted her feelings of insecurity, and what you can do to avoid hurting her in that way in the future (assuming you want to do so).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when you follow through by changing your own behavior to provide whatever nurturing interaction she is craving, you'll almost certainly see a different behavior from her as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after trying you still find that you and your spouse cannot achieve a balance in which &lt;strong&gt;she feels safe and secure with you all the time&lt;/strong&gt;, that would be a good time to get a teensy bit of outside help. A good family therapist specializing in brief, outcomes-focused therapy can sort this kind of thing out in two or three sessions, with a happier and more confident couple as the result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit: Additional Technical Discussion:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I say that your spouse's anxieties arise from some situation in which you have not met her needs, I don't mean to imply that you have been neglectful or done anything wrong. I mean only the literal fact of the matter. You may not have been able to guess what her needs are, and she may not even be aware of what they are. They may be triggers or situations that come from the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this because what your spouse is experiencing sounds like what is sometimes called &lt;em&gt;Anticipatory Anxiety&lt;/em&gt;, or anxiety about things that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; happen in the future. This type of anxiety is typically associated with prior experiences that may have occurred at any time earlier in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Important life experiences lead to the formation of neuronal connections in such a way that subtle and specific sensory inputs may trigger a cascade of autonomic nervous system activation along with &amp;quot;memorized&amp;quot; feelings and thoughts. This is why a particular song or scent can trigger intense feelings and memories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we look closely at unwanted responses triggered by a stimulus, we often find that they were adaptive (helpful) at the time they were formed, but have become maladaptive at a later place and time.  For example, fear of abandonment may be adaptive if it keeps a child from straying too far from her parents, but maladaptive if it prevents her from being confident in an adult relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kind of stimulus-response pattern is described differently in different models of therapy, but at its roots it always comes down to the same thing: some kinds of triggers lead to thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and internal physiological changes that may be out of proportion to the triggers themselves and the context in which they appear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this becomes a problem, there are a number of therapeutic approaches that can help. The literature seems to indicate that pure cognitive therapy (talking about it) is the least successful in resolving this kind of trigger-outcome mismatch, because the unwanted thoughts are not the &lt;em&gt;cause&lt;/em&gt; of the problem, but the &lt;em&gt;result&lt;/em&gt; of it. The most rapidly successful therapeutic approaches seem to be those that identify the triggers and either &lt;em&gt;desensitize&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;depotentiate&lt;/em&gt; them, so they no longer cause the unwanted response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anybody who wants to learn more about this model for understanding unwanted responses like anticipatory anxiety can read about the family therapy work of Virginia Satir &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virginia_Satir&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;(link to Wikipedia page about Virginia Satir)&lt;/a&gt; and the work of  Richard Bandler and John Grinder who studied her techniques and developed a descriptive formalism. Although their approach to understanding and modifying human contextual response has been vigorously disputed by practitioners who have embraced other models, single-neuron brain studies have recently validated the fundamental concept that sensory triggers can evoke maladaptive learned responses, and that those triggers can be depotentiated and even remapped (very quickly) with specific sensory exercises, both in rats and in humans. You can read about this in a scientific paper called &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.jneurosci.org/content/35/24/9122?utm_source=TrendMD&amp;amp;utm_medium=cpc&amp;amp;utm_campaign=JNeurosci_TrendMD_0&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Extinction of Learned Fear Induces Hippocampal Place Cell Remapping&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16366" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T00:29:45.153" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-06T08:03:01.583" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, I think there is no one good answer that will work for every couple ever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is too many parameters to account for that completely changes the situation. Those parameters are :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your boyfriend, and what he is comfortable with, or not comfortable with&lt;/strong&gt; : If you know for certain that your boyfriend is comfortable with you finding others attractive, or if he, himself usually talks about who he finds attractive then it should be totally okay to tell him. &#xA;If you don't make a scene when he tells you that he find X or Y attractive, then he has no reason to make a scene either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be carefull though, as the women your boyfriend finds attractive are women he saw on the street. He likely won't ever see them again. But your coworker could be considered different, since you see them quite often. So your boyfriend might not see this as the same thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You, yourself, and what you are comfortable with sharing&lt;/strong&gt; : That is also something important to consider : Are you comfortable with the idea of sharing with him the idea that you find a coworker attractive ? as you said yourself, you are no usually telling him when you find someone attractive. So if you tell him about that one person, won't he think that this coworker is somewhat special ? Since you are talking about him, and not about other guys you found attractive before ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your relationship&lt;/strong&gt; : Depending on health of your relationship, it might not be a good idea to tell him that you find someone else attractive. If your relationship is in a bad period for X or Y reason, he might think that you're actively looking for a replacement, or deliberately trying to make him jealous. But if you tell him when you are both extremely happy with your relationship, he might see this as you trying to open up to him, and share more of yourself with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The relationship with your coworker&lt;/strong&gt; : While you said that you have no attention on acting on your crush, depending on the time you spend with the coworker (at work, and outside work) your boyfriend might not be comfortable with the idea of you being attracted to him. If you usually spend some time with your coworker after work, or if you spend more time with him than your others coworker, your boyfriend might interpret that as cheating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all I usually advise for honesty, especially in a couple, but with those parameters in mind, the only thing I can tell for anyone in a similar situation is this :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take your time to think about it, and to think about what is better for the both of you : sharing this with your SO, or not.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every couple is different, and everyone will see that situation differently (for example : I would be fine with my GF finding someone else attractive, but she would'nt).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="16374" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T09:46:34.190" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T09:46:34.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T08:23:55.963" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many of the answers here do not &lt;strong&gt;capitalise on your honesty&lt;/strong&gt; in this situation. They mostly deflect or avoid the topic and don't dig into it. Your wife feels insecure - and this periodically resurfaces every now and again - and you may have to deflect that away time and time again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had relationships where I've had this same problem. I am often too honest, and have upset my partner because of it. But more so than that, if &lt;strong&gt;I were to say it, it would sound out of character and hollow&lt;/strong&gt; and that promise would be almost pointless, despite the difficulty I'd have saying it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, focus on your honesty. Take the conversation further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't want to leave you. What gave you that impression?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I want to be with you. What can I do to reinforce that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If I ever have the thought of leaving you, I will let you know. But I can't imagine why I would think that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You're not escaping from me that easy. Good luck trying to drive me away!&quot; (if your partner has a particular sense of humour)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also focus on yourself, focus on what you want and how you see the relationship. She wants to know she has you. &quot;I want to be with you forever.&quot; is different to &quot;I promise to be with you forever.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to find a balance, because you don't want the horror of, during a debate, she says something so that you, hotheaded and not thinking clearly, say something like &quot;I never meant that promise!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stick to your character. Be honest. Be tactful and inquisitive about where this insecurity stems from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is she feeling less attractive, or are you distracted by something? Are you going to bed without her? Stopped your good morning kisses? She may not realise where the insecurity has come from, but it's from somewhere. Help to find it and help to defeat it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2388" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T08:23:55.963" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12883" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-06T08:37:48.323" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that your boyfriend commented on some women's beauty sometimes. Rather than ask him how he'd feel if you did the same, I suggest you to just do it. It is a quite innocuous way of testing his reaction and taking measures to tell him about your coworker properly. Moreover, not all the people know in advance how they would feel in a particular situation - at least, I've been surprised by my reaction more than once. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly, a while after having commented about that hot guy in the candy shop, &lt;strong&gt;ask him how he felt/he feels&lt;/strong&gt;. It's important to wait some hours or a day because it allows you to know if he is still ruminating on it. Discuss if he felt insecure, if he thinks less of you because of your comment (I really hope not, but you never know) etc. Discuss also about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; feelings while doing it and your feelings when &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; did it. Complete honesty also involves honest feedbacks. It may be worth to discuss also your principle of complete honesty to check if your thoughts about it have changed after this experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reasonably, your discussion will involve a lot of reassuring one another and promises of eternal love. &lt;em&gt;This&lt;/em&gt; is the good premise to tell your boyfriend about your coworker. Since you will have discussed in detail his reaction and his feelings, you will know better how to disclose your crush. In particular:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is it worth it to call it explicitly &quot;a crush&quot;, or it'll be better to just describe his looks and personality? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How much time will it last? How much detail will you share with your bf? (&quot;He's so handsome&quot; vs &quot;he has got these awesome blue eyes that pierce my soul&quot;) &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is it better to just mention it as a &quot;by the way&quot; comment while telling him about your day, or is it a whole topic &lt;em&gt;per se&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion would be to not overthink it and just say it right after work, or when you're thinking about it. Say it in a context that allows the two of you to cuddle - I find that reassurance works best when coupled to physical contact. And finally, ask him for his feedback at the end - again, discussing everything &lt;em&gt;including reactions&lt;/em&gt; is for me the only way to go to live successfully in complete honesty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T08:37:48.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12884" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11861" CreationDate="2018-04-06T08:48:34.587" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll provide you two very different answer :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's your parents that give you the money, then they have every rights to ask you whatever they want to know about what you're going to do with it. I'm okay with you that sucks, but you can't do anything about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that the way you get your money is a little more diversified, so then you need to emancipate yourself. There's no easy way to do that, sit with your mom and dad, and go for it :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, Dad, I'm a grown up now, you can trust me, you can rely on me, and I'm going to do my own choices regardless of what you think of them, because this is my life, you cannot decide for me anymore. I really appreciate the shelter you provide me as parents, but I need be more proactive with my life and I need to begin to do my own choices now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here they'll probably ask you what you're talking about, because if they treat you as if you're 13, when you're 18, then you probably didn't show them that you were growing up. Now go for it :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's not an ultimatum of any kind, I'd like to keep talking to you about my life and I wish to have your advices on the choices I'm going to make in the future, but you can not decide for me anymore... Well, to begin with, I really wish to manage my own money, firstly because this is a skill I'm going to need for my grownup life, but also because I believe I'm old enough to do so. And I think that I'm old enough and that you can not choose for me the time I go to bed at night and wake up on the morning. Those are very personal matters and I can take care for myself, I'm not a child anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your family is not too afraid to talk about stuff you can even add :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What if for instance I have to buy some condoms ? I should ask Mom to get my cash for condoms ? Honestly I'm not comfortable enough to ask for that on a hurry, if you know what I mean ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that at some point in life you need to make things clear with your parents, but don't go too far, you need to make them know that you still need them, and that you're grateful for all they did and will do for you, even though you need to grow up a little bit more on your side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user14435" LastEditorDisplayName="user14435" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T14:10:34.267" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T14:10:34.267" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-06T09:08:02.017" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn't the answer you want, but I believe it is worth considering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but there is no way to tell your SO that you have a crush on someone else without hurting him. &lt;strong&gt;I would advise not to tell him, but to see this as an opportunity to explore where you stand&lt;/strong&gt; in your relationship and perhaps discuss some aspects of it with your SO. As the lady whom you paraphrase in the beginning  says, communicating honestly and not avoiding conflict are crucial for a relationship to flourish. But there is a difference between respectfully honest and brutally honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you ask yourself two questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What do you find attractive about your coworker?&lt;/strong&gt; Is it perhaps something you miss in your SO? Does the crush resonate with you in some way you haven't felt in a while? Does he make &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel attractive? Realizing that you have these feelings is an important gift, because it tells you what you need in order to become (even) happier, so don't just deny these emotions. But also, don't dwell on them and make them bigger and more yearning than they are. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.headspace.com/blog/2017/07/18/noting-technique-take-advantage/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Note them&lt;/a&gt;, and if they come up again, perhaps you decide to talk about them with your boyfriend. Are they something you can integrate into your relationship? You don't even have to mention your crush in this discussion at all!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you already seem set on telling. My second question then: &lt;strong&gt;Why do you want to tell your SO about your crush?&lt;/strong&gt; Perhaps you feel guilty and want to confess to your SO, so he takes the guilt off your shoulders. You don't need to feel guilty, because you haven't hurt anyone. You're responsible only for your actions, not for your feelings and fantasies. It's understandable if you need your SO to confirm your &quot;innocence&quot;, but once you tell him, you have to take full responsibility for risking to hurt him. Another answer might be that, if you're quite honest, you actually &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; want to hurt him just a little. I'm not saying that this is the case, but it's worth considering. Being very blunt and &quot;honest&quot; can be a &quot;nice&quot; way to cloak aggression. (&quot;I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just &lt;em&gt;honestly informing you&lt;/em&gt; that your hair looks ugly, because I'm your friend.&quot;) Aggression comes from frustration -- it's what you feel when you're unhappy about something, but don't quite know how to change it. Perhaps you can use this powerful motivation more productively, for example by expressing your frustration in a non-hurtful way, and talking over with your SO what you need for your relationship to become (even) more fulfilling. Again, no need to mention your crush!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, you mention that your SO sometimes tells you when he finds a woman beautiful, and that you're &quot;not at ease&quot; with it. Have you considered asking him why he tells you this and how it makes you feel?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Just to be clear, you're not talking about your motivations and reasons in your post, and my goal is not to impute them, but to invite you to think about them. To me this seems more important than whether or not you tell your SO. I've given you some prompts to get started. They are based on personal experience and on &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.complex.com/life/2015/12/partner-has-crush-on-someone-else/what-to-do&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;what seems to be&lt;/a&gt; conventional wisdom in relationship psychology. Of course, I'm not claiming to know you better than you do.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user510" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T20:29:35.870" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T20:29:35.870" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12886" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T09:15:33.510" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I reassure my wife that I do not foresee our relationship ending without dishonestly guaranteeing a positive future outcome in all possible scenarios?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound upsetting, weird or cruel, but:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You shouldn’t reassure her at all.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you didn’t do or say something which indicates you want to leave her (like looking for another apartment, talking to an attorney specializing in divorce, looking for or having relationships with other women etc.), I’d claim that, nothing you say will reassure her, but rather feed her insecurity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another answer pointed to OCD and so called “intrusive thoughts”. &#xA;A specific form of this is doubting the partners loyalty without factual proof (see above).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This often results in specific behaviors to try to resolve these doubts, among them seeking for reassurance (others are checking, controlling the partner’s actions, avoiding and rituals).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a double edged sword, because reassurance communicates...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;on the one hand: “I care for you, I love you, I am here for you” - which is good,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;on the other hand though, paradoxically: “these doubts are true” and “I need him to handle my insecurities, I am not capable to handle this myself”&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...the latter undermining trust in the relationship and the own abilities to manage thoughts and feelings, increasing dependency on the partner, thus increasing the fear of being dumped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is the (well-intentioned) attempt to resolve intrusive doubts and the resulting feelings by changing another persons behavior. This cannot work, but only make the problem worse, and sadly may work as a self-fulfilling prophecy by putting so much strain on the relationship that it deteriorates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can see this process in action in your question: the reassuring doesn’t really stick, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it has to be repeated and &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it has to be presented “in the right way”,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which is typical for OCD.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The interpersonal solution here IMHO is to calmly explain that pattern and encourage her to seek professional help, and refrain from giving reassurance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Strategic Therapy are known to be effective in resolving these patterns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T09:15:33.510" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T09:29:16.227" Score="20" Body="&lt;h3&gt; Don't make promises - reassure by reminding her of how the two of you work together &lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;As somebody with similar traits to your wife, I can only speak for what has worked in my relationship to help me feel more secure and reduce my need for constant reassurance.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main thing that can make a difference is not just hearing an empty promise (which you are also against giving), but hearing solid reasoning to explain that nothing unexpected will happen and that as a couple you are able to work through things to avoid a breakup. Importantly, you should reflect on how you work as a couple currently - and help her realise that you have systems in place for dealing with potential problems as a couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You have nothing to worry about, anytime we have had disagreements or problems in the past we have always spoken about them openly and worked together to solve them. We are a strong team together and if either of us found this relationship wasn't working for us - I am certain we would work hard to try whatever possible to solve it. I love you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not being dishonest, or stating absolutes that you would never leave. It does however reflect your current situation - that if you had problems you would speak about them, and the two of you would work together as I'm sure you have done in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Breakups do happen, and that's a healthy thing for her to acknowledge - she is not trapped in this relationship and neither are you. However, you have a history of working together and being open about your problems - so she has nothing to realistically fear about you suddenly leaving without the two of you having tried to work through it first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It's worth noting, that as you say &quot;you can't predict that you won't change&quot;. Part of asking for reassurance is her checking that you haven't changed yet - and that you still believe in the relationship. Giving an answer that gives explains your stance on the relationship (that you will work together to solve whatever issues you have), shows her you still feel this way - much more clearly than just saying that you love her.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10883" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T09:29:16.227" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-06T09:29:28.750" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a missing part in your question, you should tell us about your boyfriend's character, because it depends.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Well, as you forgot to add it, I need to guess:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your boyfriend is something jealous and hard:&lt;/strong&gt; There's no reason to hurt him just so you can feel repented. It is better to simply break up if you found someone who's better, or if you realized you will do this again and again.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There is no good that comes from telling him. The other partner constantly brings up the infidelity. Even when they say they are over it, or however much they want to be, they will always throw it in your face.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your boyfriend has an open mind:&lt;/strong&gt;  I would encourage you to find a time where the two of you can talk alone without interruptions. Be completely honest with him about it and let him know what you plan on doing to keep this from happening in the future. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T09:29:28.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-06T10:34:40.813" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a big difference between the woman in your book and your relationship:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She (apparently) had an agreement on the meta level with her husband about these things.&#xA;You (from what you describe) do not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should see this as an opportunity to establish such ground rules of your relationship. This is a worthwhile, important discussion, and it gives your partner and opportunity to voice out her wishes in regards to these topics. Some people want to know every thought their partner has, some prefer not to be bothered with them until they matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without such an agreement first you should &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; burden your girlfriend with your thoughts. I see questions of the &quot;should I tell my partner?&quot; kind quite frequently here on IPS, and in most cases the telling is clearly to the benefit of the person asking - unburdening themselves - and not necessarily in the best interest of the person about to be told.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Loving someone also means to carry a burden for them at times. Unless you know for certain that your boyfriend wants to know about such events, this is such a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if your thoughts begin to stray into areas that are a potential threat to the relationship, then you crossed the line into a territory where your partner should be informed. From what you write, you are still safely on this side of that line, and the burden is yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T18:35:34.867" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T18:35:34.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T12:12:06.267" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see two options here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, as you say, no one can predict the future, so focus on - and bring &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; focus to the now:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;her: I'm afraid you'll leave me some day&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you: I love you and I want to be with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop there. By including caveats about the unpredictability of the future, you seem to give yourself lawyer-like wiggle room which is likely to only increase her doubt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other option, which may be more effective in the long run, is to hand it back to her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;her: I'm afraid you'll leave me some day&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you: Why would I ever do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, you've opened the door to her expressing her underlying doubts fears:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;her: You won't want me anymore if I get fat / ugly / old / grow a wart on my nose / ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then perhaps you can put the underlying fears to rest for the time being (Note that insecurities can take patient repetition to lay to rest)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you: You're beautiful to me and always will be / I love you for the person you are not for how you look / ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3967" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T19:57:00.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-06T12:34:36.817" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Faithfulness or any other matter that involves trust cannot ever be ensured. You can always break your promise or bow. That's why it's trust.(I'm not saying you would, just that on the hypothetical scenarios that may occur you might do it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As many other said the upside potential is really low while the downside potential of explaining this to your partner might be really high. Reality doesn't matter at all, the fact that you don't want to let your feelings grow, all that matter to his reaction is his perception of the situation. And as I said on the first paragraph , trust cannot be 100% ensured, that's why on most scenarios this kind of revelations create insecurities most of the time, because even if you love your partner you cannot have absolute certainty that he/she will be able to not let this emotions grow, it just generate fear, and specially if addressed as an issue.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then if you want to bring it up as if it didn't had importance at all, then why bring it up on the first place? The fact that you want to talk about it shows that it's important to you and you want to feel better and not feel unfaithful, even tho you know you haven't been so to your BF. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit more subjective, personal commentary :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mean to be harsh but I feel like you're trying to adress the problem like you should show your SO your faithfulness while he isn't aware of the situation since it only exists in your head, I think it would be more important to prove it to &lt;strong&gt;yourself&lt;/strong&gt;, I think you're just searching for his approval to not feel bad about some involuntary feelings you arised. You want to not feel bad about yourself for being attracted to your coworker, so to compensate you want to show yourself you're not by being honest with your BF. But this just moves a problem from your mind, to his. I think the most healthy way to deal with this it's just to overcome this crush as you were planning to do and show yourself you can do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the approach of talking to him as stated had more flaws than pros but if you want to go for it as suggested by other answers don't bring it up like it's the most crucial topic of your lives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I think the approach of don't let your feelings for your crush go shows you are a both a caring person and responsable. And the same way I said I don't agree with telling your partner I can say I think this is the best thing you could do, most of this crushes are little things that arise and fall and sometimes people are too eager and don't think of the risk/reward and might lose a really promising partner for someone who really just turned them on either fiscally or intellectually (or both) but had no partnership potential at all. It all depends on what are your personal drives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6215" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T12:34:36.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-06T12:55:56.843" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You stated that often times your boyfriend will comment on a woman's beauty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd wait for the next time for this to happen, and just be like &quot;oh yeah! there's this cute guy at work...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, the crux of this issue is that only you know how your BF will react - everyone commenting here, myself included, is biased by their own relationships. My wife and I constantly talk about our crushes and laugh about it. On my honeymoon I told my wife that I had a crush on her friend that we'd just been visiting. She said &quot;lmao gross&quot; and we moved on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if your BF and you constantly talk about how liberated you are from past norms, then blab away. if your BF is very traditional (which you've indicated he's not) then just talk about it online instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11903" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T12:55:56.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-06T14:13:21.767" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Warning: old-fashioned ideas about marriage&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you have misunderstood the point of a marriage. Your wife wants to know that you will stick by her even if circumstances change, or if one of you change as a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the difference between a landlord/tenant who have a signed lease, and a landlord/tenant who have a casual arrangement. What is the main difference between the two? Have the ones with the lease made promises they can't be certain they will keep? Is the lease merely a logical truth statement? Or does the lease serve a purpose to lock in the two people; to ensure that the landlord will not eject the tenant at any time, and that the tenant will continue to pay his rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wedding vows are designed to restrict the two people involved to stay with each other, despite circumstances or conflicts. When you make a promise that you will stay with a person forever, you are not simply communicating something you believe is true. You are locking yourself in morally - you must make every effort to fulfill your vows and stay with the person. You are giving up a bit of your freedom for the other person's sake. If you can't make this promise, that communicates to your wife that your personal freedom is more valuable to you than she is. I don't think this is what you meant; I think you're just being pedantic. But this is probably what she hears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This all becomes 10 times more important if you have kids in the future. You can basically guarantee that both you and your wife will change throughout your life, in non-trivial ways. Children are just one of the catalysts to this, and yet children need you to stay together even though you will change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course there do exist legitimate reasons for a marriage to end. But these are supposed to be exceptional. You can make promises without taking them into account.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not being able to make this promise is like continuing to live in an apartment after the lease has run out. Please, promise your wife you will stay with her forever. Say, &quot;Future be damned! I promise I'll stick with you no matter what darling.&quot; You can even tell her about your doubts about saying that and how you decided you'd rather lock yourself in by saying it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2946" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T14:13:21.767" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12902" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-06T15:55:38.427" Score="-1" ViewCount="561" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in USA (2nd generation Indian American, if that is relevant) and have witnessed situations where person A let person B (A's wife's distant relative) stay in their apartment, but they overstayed their welcome. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a particular situation (20 years ago), person A gave person B a newspaper &quot;roommate&quot; section to start looking for new place to live (I'm sure there are more details, but this is all I know).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The laws in USA (or at least my state) are that, if person stays in your house for 30 days or more, that person is considered a resident (i.e. staying for free, not helping with household work, etc), and cannot be evicted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question, how do I politely refuse anyone to stay at my home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really want to help people in need, but human nature is thus, and I have a history of porous personal borders. (this site on Stack Exchange is a real God-send!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, should I respond with, &quot;I am currently not looking for boarders&quot; while maintaining current, reasonably favorable relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may apply to acquaintances, but how to apply this to relatives or better yet, Family Doctor who has practice in our building and knows everyone's weakness (because that is how US Doctors are trained).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully the situation will never arise, but I wish to learn beforehand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12671" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T16:52:57.237" Title="How to tactfully refuse outsiders to stay in your home" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-04-06T17:14:42.743" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-06T15:55:44.447" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest initially spending some time balancing out the &quot;check out that beautiful/handsome person&quot; comments in public that your boyfriend does to you. See how they take it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a big difference between your boyfriend saying some random person they'll never interact with is beautiful, and either of you saying that you are crushing (as in find attractive in a physical/mental/both way) on someone you see and interact with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The former person &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; be a threat to your relationship as you'll never see them again. The latter (your crush) has a &gt; 0 level of threat to your relationship. Regardless of anything else, I don't think it's fair to compare the two. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all goes well with balancing out your boyfriend's comments (no confrontations, signs of jealousy or insecurity), then you can look to bring up that you've a crush on a co-worker that you will want to stress &lt;em&gt;you have no intention of doing anything about apart from letting pass&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully during this time of balancing out your boyfriend's comments, the crush will already pass. At that point you could determine whether it's still worth bringing up. If so, at least you can change how you say it to something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I thought you should know that I recently had a crush on a guy at work. You don't need to worry, I did nothing about it, just let the feelings pass. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find someway to emphasize the point that feelings of a crush are temporary (which helps if you bring it up after the feelings have gone and you haven't done anything with this crush), and that you're even happier as your feelings for your boyfriend haven't changed, which is somehow proof of your current relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for unexpected reactions. Your boyfriend might be happy for you both to point out physical aspects of strangers/co-workers (&quot;they're beautiful/gorgeous eyes&quot;) but feel hurt by suggestions of any sort of emotional attraction (which a &quot;crush&quot; would suggest). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already mentioned that you wish you could get past your own insecurities with your looks when he mentions a beautiful woman. If you open up this pandora's box to bring up stronger physical and emotional attraction, do you have the self-confidence to deal with that? Think of your trait that is your biggest worry (maybe you're terrible at telling funny stories etc), and consider how it would feel to hear your boyfriend tell you that a person they've told you they've got a crush on is great at that. This is the kind of level of openness you're trying to get to, and I'll be honest, I don't think most relationships need or could survive it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt; To add again to the difference. How much time does your worry of your boyfriend going up to people randomly on the street take up in your mind? No too much right? He's probably not on the streets that often, he probably has places to be, point being his chances to act out a threat to your relationship with these beautiful women is slim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if you tell him you're crushing on a co-worker, it's a man you're around for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Even if he only considers it a minor concern, it's a minor concern for 40 hours a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11561" LastEditorUserId="11561" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T16:06:29.413" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T16:06:29.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12902" CreationDate="2018-04-06T16:28:30.403" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, if you do decide to allow someone to stay with you, there has to be an exit clause, in other words, there have to be definite limits to the length of stay. If you think that it would be difficult to enforce the limits when they arrive, either because they won't leave, or you are weakly hearted (which is fine, just understand your own limitations), then refuse outrightly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever agreement you reach, put it in writing, and have them sign it (I am not a lawyer, this is not legal advice).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be their responsibility to prepare to leave. I start reminding them before the end of their stay and ask what they are doing about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, your question is about how to refuse. This is hard for me too. I think if this occurs again, I will say &quot;I am not prepared to take on so much responsibility, and I like my current living conditions just the way they are&quot;. I have a family, so I would also add &quot;I cannot ask my family to be impacted by another person living with us&quot;. These are simple answers, and the person will likely say that they will be easy to live with (which is rarely the case). You have to be firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16401" LastEditorUserId="16401" LastEditDate="2018-04-06T16:36:13.807" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T16:36:13.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12906" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12909" CreationDate="2018-04-06T16:43:41.677" Score="19" ViewCount="4320" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get it, people like to share things, know whats going on in each others lives and connect with each other. I don't, I'm a private person, I don't want to share personal things and because of that I don't expect anyone to share their stuff with me. some people get that and some don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is particularly an issue with several people I work with. I usually don't care if someone is offended by it, but I'm worried it may negatively impact my career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all cases, those who don't understand seem think I don't like them for some reason, but really that's almost never true, I just establish that kind of relationship (or lack there of) with almost all people. Maybe that's an intrapersonal topic I'll explore in a separate quorum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The kind of people in my office who get it talk to me about non personal things, I am comfortable with them, and things don't get awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, those that don't, continue to ask me personal stuff, which makes me uncomfortable and I act accordingly, giving them short, generic answers in a rather cold tone. Or they have learned my reactions to their queries, avoid talking to me at all and kind of treat me as if I'm a jerk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I interact with those who don't understand, so that things aren't awkward between us or so they won't think I'm a jerk?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edits based on comments: &#xA;I'm in western USA working on a software development team as a developer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will admit I do expect people to read between the lines and just understand after our interactions. That is likely problem, and I should consider being more direct with my boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best example is when people try to ask about my past which is just not going to happen. It is expanded into simpler things such as the baby my wife and I had 9 months ago concerning his health and behavior (of which he has no issues).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My past is negative and I don't want to talk about it. But I also just don't want to share anything personal, even positive things like my son or even my hobbies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should also add that I'm the highest performing member of my team and was just promoted. So I guess I'm not overly worried about it impacting my career. It's more of a quality of life thing and not wanting these people to think I'm rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16403" LastEditorUserId="11109" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T20:43:41.460" LastActivityDate="2019-01-19T18:43:22.457" Title="How do I interact with people who don't understand that I don't want to share personal information" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12902" CreationDate="2018-04-06T16:52:57.237" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;We'd love to have you, but we just can't right now!&quot; is polite if said somewhat regretfully.  If they probe for more details, you are not required to explain.  Keep an explanation that would totally embarrass them if they absolutely insist (&quot;my wife and I are trying to conceive, and we need a no-distraction environment&quot; or something).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's always easiest to keep someone out completely--so this addresses the hypotheticalness of the question, just don't let it become a problem in the first place--instead of getting rid of them once they're in.  It's proverbial:  &quot;the camel's nose in the tent&quot; and all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16402" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T16:52:57.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12906" CreationDate="2018-04-06T17:05:16.030" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Saying, &quot;I don't feel like talking about that&quot; should work.  Some people are nosier and won't accept that.  If you have a good deadpan delivery you can generate an over-the-top answer for laughs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're not talking about small talk like &quot;What are you doing tonight?&quot; which is easy to answer.  More like nosy stuff.  It'd be good if you supplied some examples of what they're asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16402" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T17:05:16.030" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12906" CreationDate="2018-04-06T17:11:58.273" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the most part, I do that with work colleagues too. I prefer to maintain a separation between my professional and personal life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What tends to help keep things professional, and maintain a healthy amount of comradarie is making an effort to engage in non-personal conversations. Like discussing work related matters, clients, new policies, etc. This helps to give the impression that you're approachable and even friendly, while not divulging anything personal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also helps me to be able to engage in some limited non-personal, but also non-work related topics. Like discussing the weather, sports, politics, or whatever. This helps to give people the impression that you're open to talking with them, but you still maintain a healthy separation between your professional life and personal life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asked more direct personal questions, I usually just give vague, generic answers. It's even become a bit of a joke where I work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: Hey how are you doing?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: I'm doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's become a joke because it's always the same answer, but they ask anyway, knowing that it'll be the same answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even with more personal questions, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How's the family?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  What did you do on your vacation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generic friendly answers still work. Such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Same old, same old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People seem to respond well enough as long as I smile, and am willing to engage in more genuine conversations about other subjects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/Vw4dD.png&quot; alt=&quot;Picture of Ron Swanson saying &amp;quot;I once worked with a man for three years and never got to know is name. Best friend I ever had. - We still never talk sometimes&amp;quot;.&quot;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-19T18:43:22.457" LastActivityDate="2019-01-19T18:43:22.457" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10986" CreationDate="2018-04-06T17:30:08.923" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person who paints for fun (I paint miniatures for games like Warhammer) I've run into basically the same situation, someone asking to have something painted for them, often implying that free is the price they're looking for. I've found the easiest way to deal with this is to be upfront and honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I paint as a way to relax, and I have quite a few personal projects I'm working on. If you'd really like me to paint something for you I'd be willing to do it, but I'll be honest, I'd charge you quite a bit more than it's worth to bump your commission ahead of all of my stuff. I'm sure you can understand that if I'm painting for you it becomes less a hobby for the sake of the hobby and more like a job, and in some ways that can take a bit of the fun out of it... plus if I'm doing work for someone else I'm more worried about doing a quality job than I might be for my own projects.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still want you to do it, figure out a price where it would make it worth your time to do, and then double that price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T17:30:08.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12906" CreationDate="2018-04-06T18:05:34.303" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;To keep people from misinterpreting your behavior and thinking you're a jerk, you have a few options. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can have some meta-conversations, telling coworkers that you know it makes you seem distant, but that you usually don't talk about personal things because you like to keep work and your personal life separate.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Building on apaul's answer, you could even cultivate a generic interest you're OK with talking about at work, such as a sports team's progress, &lt;a href=&quot;http://cincinnatizoo.org/blog/2017/01/25/premature-hippo-baby-updates/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Fiona the Hippo&lt;/a&gt;, some local artisan food/drink, your favorite plant outside the office, the crossword puzzle, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How are you doing?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm really excited that the cherry tree outside is starting to bloom--that really made my day!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For the people you're worried don't get it, you can try to interact politely with them and show interest in them (especially the non-personal things that work with your other coworkers). Perhaps you could also do other things to deepen your professional relationships with them. (It might not make much sense to them if you don't explicitly tell them that you just don't share about family things at work.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T18:05:34.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-06T18:18:19.783" Score="74" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To all those who like to comment on this: This is not an ethics and philosophy forum. This answer tries to address the goals stated by OP. It is not our place to judge those goals. If you have questions or improvements to my answer, I am happy about your comment. If you prefer a different approach, please vote accordingly or post an answer of your own.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am gonna make some assumptions here, if they don't fit, please disregard my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You both don't play &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-Games-in-a-Relationship&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;games&lt;/a&gt; in your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Instead you have a developed culture of debate where you are able to focus on the issues at hand and come to solutions together.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are generally comfortable telling each other things you'd normally keep to yourself for fear of being ridiculed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are open to each other about intimate things like sexual fantasies. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is four times a yes, congratulations, you seem to have met the one! If not, you should maybe go back to work on those issues first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to your crush: This is obviously something that occupies your mind an he is the one you feel you have to share it with. If you are that close together, just tell him matter of fact what you feel (what you told us). Don't try to present it jokingly or play it down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will probably not be too &lt;em&gt;happy&lt;/em&gt; hearing about this, but he will also probably already have noticed that there is &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt;. Knowing what it is and being able to talk about it instead of guessing can build trust and also help you get over it. Be completely open and don't try to fake anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At last, you can't decide who you are attracted to, but you can give him the security of knowing what goes on inside of you. Maybe he will be a little hurt or jealous - that's okay and shows that there is affectation and also a little fear of loosing you. Talk about this too - you have your own experiences from when he mentions a beautiful woman. Offering to share your own fears and insecurities is a great way to get the other one to open up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember it's not how you spend the happy times, but how you cope with obstacles, that make a relationship last. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer: This is what I would do and what works for my wife and me since 12+ years. Of course every relationship is different - as you can see by the popularity of the &quot;don't do it&quot; frame challenge answers. Please proceed at your own risk!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last I want to address some of the comments that assume that by telling you will somehow make your partner feel he is 'the person who has the job for now' or he may be loosing you next time. I don't think that's the case, as you clearly show him how you react to such incidents: You tell him and don't act on it! He does not risk loosing you, because there never was a contest. Instead he can have the confidence of always knowing what goes on inside of you, so he need not worry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;References:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-27922/why-relationships-require-radical-honesty-even-when-it-hurts.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here is an article about a related experience:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It made sense to him. He got it. There wasn't any fight or rupture or jealousy—just a calm and steady conversation about what being in relationship means to him, me, and to us. We chatted about boundaries, about commitment, and about attraction. And amid the somewhat taboo and unconventional words that were shared, a valley of deeper intimacy emerged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201411/honesty-can-make-or-break-relationship&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Article from Psychology Today:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Many people feel that little white lies, which may spare their partner some grief, are okay, and in some cases that’s true. But you can’t have a culture of honesty in your relationship just some of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bustle.com/articles/144284-the-one-thing-couples-should-never-lie-to-each-other-about&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;And &quot;Bustle&quot; did ask some experts: 1. Don't Lie About Attraction:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Most people don't think they would ever cheat, and most don't go out intending to have an affair,&quot; Chlipala says. &quot;They end up setting up their own stage for an affair by not talking about their feelings in the first place.&quot; There's something about saying it out loud that can bring things back down to earth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="5724" LastEditDate="2018-04-09T13:48:50.263" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T13:48:50.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12914" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-06T18:46:20.217" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;trying to fight back a growing headache&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems to me that this is a valid enough excuse you can give without delving into anything more personal.  Headaches or migraines brought on by loud environments is a fairly common thing so it won't stand out as weird and (hopefully) be subject to further questioning.  In fact, showing that you were interested in attending the party even though you have a propensity for developing headaches in such environments should communicate to the host how much  you actually want to be there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3239" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T18:46:20.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12906" CreationDate="2018-04-06T21:51:53.713" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll be honest, &lt;strong&gt;this will be bad for your professional career&lt;/strong&gt;. Knowing nothing about you, your coworkers have no reason to see you as a real person. I'll give you a real example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to be an IT department manager, and had two employees that were under performing. I got the OK from the higher ups to let one go, and hire a new guy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guy X was pretty lazy. Didn't seem to care too much about the job, but would occasionally bust out some decent work. He was into video games, kickboxing, made people at the office laugh, and brought his girlfriend to the company Christmas party. All around decent guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guy Y was also pretty lazy. Didn't care about going above and beyond, but usually got his work done. He was about 20% a better worker than guy X. In conversation he would say he doesn't feel like talking about his hobbies, living situation, or anything personal. Other coworkers would question me about him, asking why he was so weird about not sharing his personal details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The decision was incredibly easy. I fired Y without hesitation. These are two people that I have to work with on a daily basis. Guy Y barely seemed like a person to me. I had a hard time having sympathy for him when he would do poor work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Flash forward many years later as I'm interviewing for a software dev job. The interviewer talked to me about everything BUT technical skills. It was a personal interview. I was hired, based on the fact that I was nice to be around (and a resume to back the up skills that he didn't ask about). One year later, I hear that another dev was fired. I was not shocked to learn it was the guy that nobody knew anything about. He kept to himself, and paid the price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is, though it may make you uncomfortable, you absolutely need to be seen as a REAL person by your coworkers. When it comes time for raises, promotions, bonuses, special projects, travel, whatever SPECIAL thing you want, &lt;strong&gt;I can promise you that things outside of your work performance will be considered.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to spill your guts to them, but you HAVE to find common ground somewhere, or find a way to be somewhat interesting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7165" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T21:51:53.713" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7512" CreationDate="2018-04-06T23:12:23.087" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It does look like your girlfriend's mother is significantly more involved in her daughter's adult life than most parents are today. But not necessarily excessively so. It's normal for parents to be concerned about their children. Sending children to be off on their own at age 18 is a mostly an American thing. I think this is more of an old and new culture clash than anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'm looking at this the other way around. Could it also be that and you and your girlfriend have mostly shut her out of your lives? Could you be the ones who are living in a modern politically correct culture where people are too insecure for face to face communication?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your response to her attempts to be involved in your lives means shutting her out even more, then she will attempt to invade your lives even more. How about you decide what a normal amount of parental involvement should be based on cultural norms that your girlfriend's mother would be used to. &lt;b&gt;Then set the boundary there and DO NOT shut her out of your lives in retaliation for her excessive involvement.&lt;/b&gt; Do you want her to be on your bad side forever? Why make an enemy if you don't have to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your girlfriend should be grateful too. My mom knew someone who came from a Mafia family and nobody would date her because they were too afraid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11683" LastActivityDate="2018-04-06T23:12:23.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12827" CreationDate="2018-04-07T00:04:07.733" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a relationship it's always best to be open with your partner about &lt;strong&gt;things you do&lt;/strong&gt;, but in order to have the best relationship possible, but there are some thoughts that it's better not to share.  As a simple example of this, suppose you were kissing your boyfriend and you happened to think about some time in the past when you had kissed another boyfriend.  No good will ever come from telling your boyfriend that while you were kissing him you were thinking of someone else.  Perhaps that would hurt him and perhaps it would not, but there is no possible good that could come from that.  Although you didn't say this, it seems like you might think that by telling your boyfriend about your crush on the coworker that you will reduce the risk that anything would ever happen between you and your coworker.  I believe that if you initially tell your boyfriend about your coworker then you are actually placing your relationship at more risk instead of less risk.  The reason for that is by telling your boyfriend you are attempting to externalize the responsibility for not getting involved with your coworker.  You need to internalize that responsibility because that is the way you keep your crush from becoming something more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best approach would be to not initially tell your boyfriend about your thoughts and feelings regarding your coworker (we'll call him Greg).  Instead, make a resolution that you will be totally honest with your boyfriend about your &lt;strong&gt;actions&lt;/strong&gt; toward Greg.  If you encounter Greg in the hallway and have a five minute conversation with him then mention that to your boyfriend that evening.  If you have lunch with a group of your coworkers and Greg is at the table mention that to your boyfriend.  After you've mentioned Greg to your boyfriend several times he might begin to wonder if anything is going on.  At that point your boyfriend might begin to ask you about Greg.  That would be a good time to tell your boyfriend that you find Greg attractive, but that you love your boyfriend and that Greg is not a threat to your relationship.  Do not share with your boyfriend that you have a crush on Greg.  Continue to tell your boyfriend every time that you interact with Greg.  As long as you remain totally open about your actions then your crush on Greg represents no threat to your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4481" LastEditorUserId="4481" LastEditDate="2018-04-09T03:57:24.487" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T03:57:24.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12920" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12923" CreationDate="2018-04-07T00:54:07.337" Score="2" ViewCount="5154" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I [19F, 19M] have been together for 2 years and have just graduated from the local polytechnic (estimated to be similar to the US Associate's degree) and its now the vacation period before her university starts. I have found a part-time job to pass the time while waiting for my enlistment into the Army.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have known for a fact that my girlfriend never accepted my habitual sleeping hours (11pm to 6am on school / work days and around 12 midnight to 7.30am on vacation / weekends) but for the most part of our relationship thus far we were still studying and therefore this issue did not surface a lot as she would also sleep at around the same time as me in light of the next day being a school day. Usually, she would sleep at around 1am and wake up at 9.30am the next day when it comes to vacation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, though, she has been getting upset at night because I sleep too early and wake up too early on vacation days which is different from normal teenagers' sleeping hours (which are about the same as hers) in my country. However, it is difficult for me to change my sleeping hours as and when I like because I have been sleeping at these timings for most of my life. When I ask why she doesn't want to sleep early, she says she isn't tired yet. Moreover I have a temporary day job now, so it is even more difficult for me to sleep at 1am for a day or two on the weekends and change back to my usual sleep patterns afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I talk to my girlfriend and successfully lead her into a compromise with me on sleeping habits? I have tried discussing it with her before but her reply was more of a I-don't-really-have-a-choice-so-I'm-just-going-to-accept-it reply but I want her to be happy and I don't want it to be forced upon her to accept the compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Additional Notes&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't live together with my girlfriend. (In Singapore it is generally a culture to live together only after marriage.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend, like most people, gets more emotional at night. Thus it causes a problem because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm going to sleep &lt;em&gt;as&lt;/em&gt; she is getting emotional&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She won't have company when she is emotional.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;'Company' in the aforementioned point mostly refers to phone calls and texting. Therefore, every night for about 1 to 2 hours before bed I will spend texting her and talking to her, as that is when we are available without any other distractions (work, obligations by parents, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Both our parents do not know about our relationship as it would seem to them as we are too young for a relationship (This is the conventional thinking of the &lt;em&gt;general&lt;/em&gt; older generation in Singapore). They are generally conservative and protective parents. Thus we can't spend loads of time hanging out together because we would run out of &lt;em&gt;excuses&lt;/em&gt; to leave the house to meet up with each other. That is the reason we use texting and phone calls as our main way of maintaining our happy relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;During vacation period / weekends, I do not set an alarm clock to wake myself up, and so I naturally wake up at 7+ am in the morning. I have tried to sleep again afterwards but I will just keep tossing and turning in bed. Furthermore if I continue staying in bed I will develop a headache.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastEditorUserId="16292" LastEditDate="2018-04-07T02:05:34.177" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T03:48:53.530" Title="How can I reach a compromise with my girlfriend on sleeping hours?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;singapore&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12808" CreationDate="2018-04-07T03:28:04.947" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Nobody answered from the &lt;strong&gt;hosts perspective&lt;/strong&gt; but that matters, because your question is specifically about the host asking you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I am the host, my job is to make sure that everybody is having a good time. If someone is by themselves, I should introduce them to someone or a group and integrate him into a conversation, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the host asking is meaning well and his or her main concern &lt;strong&gt;is about you&lt;/strong&gt;. The important information that you need to convey is not about your mental state or even whether or not your are well, but &lt;strong&gt;whether or not you are in whatever situation you are because you chose to or are thankful if someone helps you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, if you want to be left alone, you need to say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey John. Thanks for asking. I'm ok, just went out of the crowd a bit. Don't worry about me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do that in as many or few words as possible, depending on your relation to the host. As a host, I would be glad to get at least a glimpse of background information. Something along the lines of other answers, such as not liking parties in general. This makes it clear to me as the host that nothing is wrong with my party in particular, i.e. &lt;strong&gt;I do not need to do something for you&lt;/strong&gt;. This is the actually important piece of information: &lt;strong&gt;Do you need something from me or not?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T03:28:04.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12920" CreationDate="2018-04-07T03:42:30.107" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Life is made of compromises. IMO, it does not make much sense trying to synchronise sleeps while living apart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in a similar situation in the past, and while we talked a lot, we never tried to influence the natural timetable/work hours of the other. People have to be independent and given some breathing space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often also texting does not have to be so intense, and some conversations can flow naturally through the course of the day, without need for an immediate answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would suggest is trying to reach a compromise of being more late during weekends, for instance Friday to Saturday/Sunday, and keep a more natural schedule to you during work days, talking earlier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for being physically together more time, why not coordinating outings together with more friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have had a very early gf about your age. Besides lack of maturity on both sides, her problem was that she did not have any occupation or job. Try to help your gf get a new hobby, and even better if it is something you can both do together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. I am a light sleeper, and have two sleeps. That way is also easier for me to adjust to the patterns of a partner. I sleep earlier, than I am awake part of the night, than sleep again. I would never force a partner to keep up with my sleep patterns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-04-07T03:47:36.230" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T03:47:36.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12920" CreationDate="2018-04-07T03:48:53.530" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's nothing to compromise, both of you have to accept that everyone has a different body clock (For example,in my case,my husband sleeps around 10 in the night and I toss and turn till 12). You say that you go to sleep around 12 in the night and she around 1 (on vacation days). So there's only an hour in the night when you are not available to text/call. Please finish talking/texting before 12 and explain your reasons clearly to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her that any advice you give when you are sleepy would be wrong and that you get a headache when you try to stay awake for a longer time and may not be even be able to talk the next day if you are not well. Also, remind her that she can still text you and she would have her reply before she wakes up. If she tells you she's getting bored for the hour that you are not available, suggest some alternatives for her to do in that time. Read some books on kindle/play some games (anything which prevents her from needing your emotional support at that time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are enlisting in the army, there's a very less chance that you will be able to maintain the current schedule anyway. Both of you should understand that there it may not be possible to follow a fixed schedule of call/ text when you have a job like that so it's better to keep your expectation at appropriate level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T03:48:53.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12906" CreationDate="2018-04-07T03:55:13.110" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me the answer is very simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asked any question, just be straightforward and sincere, while giving exactly what information you are completely comfortable giving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No point being cold. Here are some possible examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is your hobby?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hmm... My hobby is doing whatever I like whenever I like. =)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything specific?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you plan to do during your vacation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things I like to do. =)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How is your baby?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's fine, thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is he crawling yet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes/no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any problem so far?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No/{Nothing concerning.}&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you get tired of answering or the questions start getting too personal:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like to talk too much about my personal life. Hope you understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last part is key to putting the responsibility on them to understand to be considerate and not pry into your life (intentionally or otherwise). They cannot disagree with that without coming off as obnoxious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Concerning people asking about things that others may not consider personal but you don't want to reveal, you can ask a counter-question as nicely as possible:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you want to know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you prefer a gentler version:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can I not answer that please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the answer, you can respond appropriately:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want to get to know you better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay. I'm a rather private/introverted person. Now you know. =)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am just curious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh no need for you to know. Nothing interesting there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully you get the idea. If at any point your interlocutor starts giving unreasonable responses to the above, you would have good reason to break off:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why are you so anti-social?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think I am anti-social, that's your choice. (And just go off and do other things.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another rather different approach is the following universal response to any question you do not want to answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secret!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may not work well when you are an adult, unless it fits your character. Children can use it very effectively though, because you can't force a child to reveal what he/she considers a secret.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, to address some other things you said, you don't have to go out of your way to try to talk to others about non-personal things, especially if out of the blue. You can just take the opportunity when it presents itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, you should focus more on developing a good working relationship with the people who do understand your preference for privacy. Others can then more easily see what kind of interaction you are more comfortable with. The people who insist on pushing your boundaries are not worth worrying about; obnoxious people will never see themselves as that (until they stop being obnoxious).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12070" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T04:02:34.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12927" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12936" CreationDate="2018-04-07T08:45:30.863" Score="38" ViewCount="12779" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a transwoman about 7 months in my real life phase and not a week goes by that I am not accidentally misgendered by my some of my coworkers. That is, they use the wrong pronouns to refer to me or, rarely, use my dead name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have come out at work more than a year ago and since then gradually changing my appearance from masculine to feminine going totally feminine about 7 months ago. My employer has been very supportive in that all of my accounts and personal details on the intranet have been changed to my new name two months before my legal gender and name change. I'm fairly passable, especially when wearing make up to cover up the beard shadow and I always do. Random strangers address me as a Ma'am. That is, until they hear the voice, which is too low and masculine still.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, a fair share of coworkers (not the majority) misgender me. When that happens I correct them promptly, usually gently, sometimes with a joke and rarely sternly. Sometimes they correct themselves and apologize, if somewhat half-heartedly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is that it hurts when I am misgendered but I don't want to leave. I am fairly happy at what I do and secure employment while transitioning is a thing to cherish. I don't want to alienate my coworkers either, after all I need them to do my job properly and conversely they need me. I have not gone so far as to actually tell them that I feel as if someone plunges a knife in me when it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would of course prefer that they stop misgendering me, but that is slightly unrealistic, that will come only with a lot of time and, eventually in a couple of years, a change of venue. So the question really is how to communicate it to them that it hurts me when they misgender me without alienating them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;At my coming out at work, I gave a small presentation about the changes I would and will be going through and once my legal gender change got through, I had a small celebration with the traditional biscuits with pink aniseed sweets that is usually done with the birth of a baby girl.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While I may sometimes get the feeling, there is no observable behavior that some of them are intentionally misgendering me. The feeling is probably just me being oversensitive to the issue. Real intentional misgendering has obviously happened to me but very rarely and is unmistakable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My coworkers knew me for 4-5 years before coming out, 5 years tops before both legal and real life start. For those new to term: real life is living 24/7 as the chosen gender and coincides with the start of hormone replacement therapy which after a year or more is followed by the necessary surgeries. I started RL phase 2 months before HRT which is now 7 months ago. Some of them are in the same office as me, some I see every day at lunch, others once a month. I have less of a problem with the latter. Of course it only comes up in a multi-person conversation, which don't occur often (several/week).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T20:18:36.797" Title="How do I communicate gracefully to coworkers that they are accidentally misgendering me?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12906" CreationDate="2018-04-07T09:03:15.390" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like a transparency issue to me. It looks like instead of communicating &lt;code&gt;I don't want to talk about this topic, this makes me uncomfortable&lt;/code&gt; you end up communicating &lt;code&gt;I don't want to talk about this topic WITH YOU&lt;/code&gt;. The latter I can take as an insult the former I have to take with respect, because usually I don't want to hurt you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[In an edit:] I will admit I do expect people to read between the lines and just understand after our interactions. That is likely problem, and I should consider being more direct with my boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already acknowledged my point partly. The easiest way to approach this is to say that the current topic makes you uncomfortable and you'd rather not elaborate. If you want to be a good conversationalist you present a new topic to discuss and the better you are the more subtle this happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I can relate to your issue, because I know what it's like to have a difficult past and it took me ages to learn why people even bother with chit-chat and off-topic conversations, e.g. at work any non-work conversations or in video games non-game related discussions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What worked for me to bridge this gap is to realize that people aim for two things with their &quot;small talk&quot;. 1) Discuss a scenario to find the best behavior to achieve something (similar to this SE :D ) and 2) what your goals in this scenario are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the baby my wife and I had 9 months ago concerning his health and behavior&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take this example, assuming you are a normal person (with some margin of error) your goal is clear: You want the best for your baby.&#xA;It's likely similar to the your co-workers goal and their child (or potential child). So when they ask they want to learn from you (who has different or more experience then they do) how they should or shouldn't behave in a similar situation to achieve this similar goal. [A similar idea seems to apply to gossip, though it's more a &quot;look, this is what you shouldn't do&quot;]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if there really is nothing you can contribute with confidence to the general scenario of having a baby that's fine. You should communicate that and move on. However, I think it is more likely that you just haven't thought thoroughly what you can contribute. For example you could respond with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;The baby is fine, but you know what? I've read this really [wierd,&#xA;interesting, disturbing] post about what you should do if your baby ...&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you can have a non-personal discussion about something that is related to what the co-worker wants to discuss, while still being far enough away for your comfort. Who knows, you might end up learning something interesting in the process. That's what I found when I got the hang of it anyway...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is slightly off-topic, but I couldn't resist pointing it out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I usually don't care if someone is offended by it, but I'm worried it may negatively impact my career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He he, so you do care. Your goal is to have a good career. To achieve that you think (and I strongly agree) that it is a good strategy to not offend people who will enable you to get promoted. Thus, &lt;code&gt;not offending people&lt;/code&gt; becomes an &lt;code&gt;instrumental goal&lt;/code&gt; of yours. Not because you want it, but because it helps you get what you want. [The same principle applies to things like money or staying alive. You usually don't want it because of the thing itself, but because of it's instrumental value for your actual goal.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16239" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T09:03:15.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12816" CreationDate="2018-04-07T09:35:05.243" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I told them that it was okay because I was willing to pay for it all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it, man, game over :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your &lt;em&gt;reasons&lt;/em&gt; for telling them that are pretty much irrelevant, since it appears you didn't provide this information &lt;em&gt;to&lt;/em&gt; them at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may well be that they decided to spend the extra money &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; you had graciously saved them some money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you now go to them and say you feel cheated (or just say they should be putting in some money that you had &lt;em&gt;promised&lt;/em&gt; they didn't have to), that's not going to make you look very good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don’t want to burn any bridges.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a good attitude to have. Unfortunately, it means sucking up the costs without complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to know the best definition for a real friend? Someone who will &lt;em&gt;give&lt;/em&gt; you a non-damaging sum of money with no real expectation of getting it back. That's why I always tell people to try that with their &quot;friends&quot; on social media, to educate them on what the word actually means :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to write it off. You went into this with eyes wide open regarding what you would be paying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, next time, assuming it bothers you, just don't make the offer. If they're reticent to spend large on the accommodation, organise it so that they stay in a cheaper hotel somewhere nearby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T09:35:05.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12930" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12927" CreationDate="2018-04-07T09:36:49.310" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Edit: to clarify my opinion I refer to OldPadawan's comment who asks if some situations are on purpose. I read the question as if there are both cases, on purpose and accidentally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least some of your colleagues seem to simply have a problem to switch their mind. As a first means try to realize that and don't feel hurt when it's a habit that just hasn't changed. Habits need time to change.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Think about (mostly) women who marry and change their last name. It can take years for even friends to no longer say the name they are used to for an eternity. One can't expect this change to establish in seconds.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It's not a reason to feel the knife!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to be less invasive and not correct them at every opportunity. Maybe they'll get it on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the others who intentionally try to annoy you I guess you need to go deeper into their motivation. This depends on the persons so I doubt there can be a general answer, only suggestions that you'll have to filter and adapt. Try to ask other colleagues for advise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T09:36:49.310" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12932" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12906" CreationDate="2018-04-07T12:26:40.907" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Someone mentioned the difference between corporate culture and small businesses. I think also there can be national cultural differences about the separation between work and home life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example Germany has quite a strong culture of social interaction between workgroups but then small &amp;amp; medium enterprises (SMEs) are a big part of the German economy. For example construction workers will have a crate of beers in the van to drink after work or colleagues will go for a meal in the evening periodically. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Finland all employers are obliged to take their staff for a day out once a year, must not be work related (no focus groups etc). So might be to a museum or the seaside. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the UK my experience is that out of work socials tend to happen around events (end of year, person leaving, etc). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps there are other places where there is greater separation between work and home life, worth considering if you're ever tempted to work abroad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you don't feel comfortable talking about your personal life for good reason, then perhaps the best approach is to think of other stuff which isn't work related which you can chat with colleagues about. Turn this into a positive. Finding non-work conversations to have with coworkers can make life a lot less awkward. sport, books, films, wildlife, are obvious subjects, politics &amp;amp; especially religion risky ground unless you already know your co-workers well enough to get into those subjects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14082" LastEditorUserId="14082" LastEditDate="2018-04-07T12:34:33.157" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T12:34:33.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12927" CreationDate="2018-04-07T12:32:31.547" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in the situation your coworkers are in: I'm introduced to a person, and they want to be addressed by one gender, while my gut feeling says another gender. I know what I should be doing: addressing them by the gender they prefer. But I slip up sometimes. Because I operate on &quot;auto&quot;. I do not usually consciously think of what gender to use. I don't do it on purpose. I realise afterwards that I've said it wrong, but by then it's too late - I've said it. Again. And what's worse, I speak a more gendered language than English: &quot;you&quot; is gendered, every verb is gendered. So there's a lot of room for such mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would like is for the person not to get offended, because I really don't do it on purpose, but to remind me. I'll apologise, and I'll feel happier having had the chance to apologise, and in the end I'll get it. I'm trying to get it right, I honestly am, but it's harder than it looks. There are all those years of habit working against me. So if you're reminding me, you're helping me, and I'd appreciate the help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T12:32:31.547" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12927" CreationDate="2018-04-07T12:47:56.510" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a very difficult situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gender is something that is baked into language so thoroughly that many people don't even think twice about which pronouns they use. It's a completely automatic part of the language.  Your coworkers don't know that this is painful to you because they have no idea that such small words can have such a big impact on someone's life. This isn't a big deal for them like it is for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So during this time,  I suggest you talk to them about how this &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a big deal. How you do this really depends on the level of acquaintance you have with your coworker (if you're more friendly or less) and how often they make a mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start with a coworker you're more comfortable with and say something like this, ideally one-on-one (brackets optional):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I know that it's hard to remember sometimes, but I really appreciate it when you get my gender/name right because this is a very big deal to me (and it makes me feel good to hear my new name)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;This is really a big deal to me and it (really) hurts (a lot) when people get my gender/name wrong&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;This is really a big deal to me and it is really painful to hear people refer to me with the wrong gender/name&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you convey to others that this is more of a big deal than they realise, they'll be more inclined to think twice about what words they use. And by telling them you appreciate their efforts, you're reminding them that you notice and feel good when they get it right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, there will be times when people mess up, and this is a situation where both sides need to be forgiving and understanding of the other person's situation. Remember that this will get less and less as time goes on and more people get used to your new gender. The worst part is over! It will get better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that you may be the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; trans person they know, and that you, (just be being there) are teaching them that trans people are still people, just like everyone else. And when your coworkers get to know you, you are helping to overcome the stigma about being trans. Talking to them about the hurt their words have is just a small part of educating them in general about how trans people can live normal, happy lives too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not to the op, but to everyone else reading this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trans people are one of the most discriminated against groups of people in the world. The feelings of hurt associated with incorrect gender identity are deep and profound, and as a result the suicide attempt and self-harm rates amongst trans people are &lt;a href=&quot;https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/AFSP-Williams-Suicide-Report-Final.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;staggeringly high&lt;/a&gt; (pdf) (80% self harm and 40% suicide).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The feelings that the OP has are legitimate and are not the equivalent to the average hurt that most people feel on a daily basis. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The lack of education about trans people, and the stigma attached to them, means that very few people actually understand that being addressed by the wrong pronouns and name can be incredibly painful for them. It is important that trans people have a place in society today, and that their gender wishes are respected. This is why education is critically important, so that people like her coworkers can know the implications that their words have. This is why I have suggested the approach that I have. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, they'll sometimes mess up, and yes, a trans person has to be forgiving when they do, but if someone understands the extent to which their words have an affect, they will be more careful to use the correct pronouns. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-04-08T05:08:12.823" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T05:08:12.823" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12906" CreationDate="2018-04-07T13:46:34.243" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try the other answers listed here, but if the way a certain person acts makes you uncomfortable with redirecting their questions perhaps too bluntly, or perhaps someone who tends to ask those questions approaches you and you want to forestall the issue, &lt;strong&gt;try asking them questions about their life&lt;/strong&gt;. You don't really have to listen to their answers if you really don't care, but you'll be more likely to come across as more caring... even if you don't actually care. And if they ask an &quot;And you?&quot; question, just politely tell them you don't really like to talk about yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And sometimes, people aren't really looking for a deep conversation. Sometimes they are, but don't automatically assume they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16435" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T13:46:34.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12079" CreationDate="2018-04-07T14:20:19.747" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I do this, and it works well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have accounts that cover different parts of the budget.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, we each have a personal account, which receives an allocation each month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This cuts down on the number of money discussions we have to have and gives each of us a bit of extra autonomy. This is guilt-free money. I could spend the whole thing in one day and not worry about blowing the household budget. I could invest it all in penny stocks. Or clothes. Or games. Or the best chocolate money can buy. Or save for some future purchase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels good to have some money that can be spent &quot;worry-free&quot;. And this also helps us stay on budget with our other accounts. And it's good for our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16436" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T14:20:19.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12940" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-07T16:04:10.950" Score="5" ViewCount="1029" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often ask questions to professors outside of class, on technical topics (I am a  student in STEM) that I want to explore into, and I value their input. When I ask a question about something that is unusual in the technical sense, often the professors do not understand my question properly, leading them to not answer my question, but talk about something else (answering what they think is the question, but is not). Possibly this is due to the weirdness of the question, as in no student has asked this sort of question before, and I do have a tendency to ask unusual technical questions (often outside the syllabus of that course). In the middle of their answer, I know they are talking about something else, and I want to clarify the question again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is: How do I interrupt them to clarify my question, without looking condescending and insulting? Or do I just wait till I finish their answer before clarifying it again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: Although this is in the context of academics and student-professor relationships, this could potentially be extended to discussions between colleagues in the corporate setting, or any sort of mentor-mentee relationship as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16441" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-04-07T23:19:02.447" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T08:02:43.367" Title="How to clarify questions to professors without seeming condescending?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12927" CreationDate="2018-04-07T16:52:02.553" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I should probably preface this by saying that this is something of a cooperative answer. Before I started writing, I asked my partner to read your question, and they nearly broke down in tears. Your question hit really close to home because they've been struggling with much the same thing in their workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner is &amp;quot;out&amp;quot; at work, they use the pronouns they/them/their, and they know the pain of being constantly misgendered. Only one of their coworkers makes any real effort to use their pronouns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what my partner had to suggest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to beat them up over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respond gently with &amp;quot;I feel...&amp;quot; statements. As in &amp;quot;When you say X, I feel Y.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't really force people to &amp;quot;get it&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a support group, or chosen family. People who are going to be loving and supportive. People who understand what you're going through. You don't have to do it alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is of course a difference between people who mean well and slip occasionally, and people who are just being awful. Try not to treat the people who slip like they're being deliberately hurtful, oftentimes they're not, and treating them like they are can be counterproductive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trans folks are some of the strongest people I know. It takes more strength and courage to walk that road than most people realize. Always remember that. You're strong and you can handle whatever the world throws at you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last thing my partner mentioned was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like she knows what to do, she probably just needs confirmation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll second that, it really sounds like you're handling all of it pretty well. Keep your head up. It gets better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T16:52:02.553" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12927" CreationDate="2018-04-07T17:03:41.940" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Summary: Most strangers assume (correctly) that you are female, based on your looks. Your colleagues obviously know the history, but will also mostly see you as female and address you correctly as they would address a woman. &lt;em&gt;Sometimes&lt;/em&gt; people adress you incorrectly. Apparently nobody does it with the &lt;em&gt;intent&lt;/em&gt; to hurt you, but it hurts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two separate problems: Sometimes you are addressed incorrectly, and when it happens it hurts you a lot. The second is something only you can change. A psychologist or counselling might help. Or if you reduce the number of situations enough, you can live with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first problem: Tell them what your real name is in a memorable way. Let's say I see you and say &quot;Hi Gary, how are you today&quot; (with no bad intent but hurtful). You could answer &quot;Sorry, but didn't you hear that Gary is dead? He's been cremated, and his ashes spread in the Missouri River. My name is Gretchen&quot;. That will stick in my memory. It tells me quite strongly how you feel about it, without any lecturing. In the unlikely case that it happens again you just say &quot;where are Gary's ashes&quot;? and no normal person would make the same mistake again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is you don't tell me your wishes (&quot;I want to be called Gretchen&quot;) but you tell me facts (&quot;there is nobody named Gary around anymore&quot;). I can't argue with facts, can I? You change the reality. Their reality: This bloke named Gary decided to become a woman and wants to be called Gretchen; we humour him unless we forget. You change that to your reality: Gary is dead and gone, but someone sent in a replacement, a woman named Gretchen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-04-07T17:13:10.500" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T17:13:10.500" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12940" CreationDate="2018-04-07T18:04:58.113" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would bet that you are not asking your questions clearly enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an approach that I think could be effective:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Write down your question on a piece of paper, look at it and read it.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is your question correctly posed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's not, rewrite it until it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ask Professor Smith,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Professor Smith, is the function f(x) = 1/x uniformly continuous?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prof. Smith responds with a puzzled look, maybe even with impatience, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know what you're asking.  Uniformly continuous ... where?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and you might then say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;at x=a, for a&gt;0, is f(x) = 1/x uniformly continuous?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prof. Smith responds again with a puzzled look, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I still don't know what you're asking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It doesn't make sense to ask about&#xA;  uniform continuity at a single point on the real line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's when you might have your realization that you've been asking unclear questions and finally ask Prof. Smith, correctly,  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah, right, I meant to ask whether f(x) = 1/x is uniformly continuous &lt;strong&gt;on&#xA;  the interval (0,1).&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you are able to write your question down so that it's correctly posed, and then try asking this question, I think the professor would welcome your question and give you a good answer, if they know it - they might not know it, since you said it's related to material that's outside the scope of the syllabus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case that you've asked a correctly posed question, and Prof. Smith is answering some other question for you, due to misunderstanding, you can say, for example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Professor Smith, sorry, but that's not what I was asking.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am&#xA;  asking whether f(x) = 1/x is uniformly continuous on the interval&#xA;  (0,1), &lt;strong&gt;not on [0,1)&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-04-08T08:02:43.367" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T08:02:43.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6245" CreationDate="2018-04-07T18:11:38.230" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This way you could completely avoid the whole awkwardness of the situation..&#xA;..Quietly get up by making some excuse like &quot;Excuse me but I need to use the washroom &quot; or something like that then go away for a second and at the exact&#xA;moment  they start talking ,quitely going over to one of my friends and start chatting with them and sit beside them as if nothing happened. So  this way you did not purposely change your seat..&#xA;  And even if one of them notices you could say something like ..&quot;No..Its Okay.. you don't need to get up  , I'll just sit there over by that side&quot;. But its most likely that this way they wont even notice that you'd changed your seat and you could just avoid the whole awkwardness of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16316" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T18:11:38.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12940" CreationDate="2018-04-07T20:43:40.093" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Fellow student and TA here. But I am pretty sure that question is not academia-only.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address your real question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I interrupt them to clarify my doubt, without looking&#xA;  condescending and insulting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In academia it is OK to interrupt speaker if they are way off-topic. It will save everyone's time. Something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, excuse me, I think you misunderstood. I am asking about X and Y, not about W and Q.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I would like to address this quote:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I ask a question about something that is unusual in the technical&#xA;  sense , &lt;strong&gt;many times the professors do not understand&lt;/strong&gt; my query properly,&#xA;  leading them to not answer my question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I emphasized &quot;many times&quot; to suggest that problem is on your side, not professors'. You should make sure that you understand the question yourself and made some effort answering it. Professors were teaching their subject, and thinking about it, for many years, so it is unlikely that your question is something ground-breaking while still relevant to the field. (you should post your sample unanswered Q here)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also ask question showing work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, teach. I am wondering how does one X with the Z? I was googling last night and closest thing I found is that you first Y and then W. I found it in the textbook by Dr. Firstname Middlename, but I can't grasp connection of X and Y.  Can you help me out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That also puts your question into broader context, which can help professor with answering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, you should mention communication language. Are you both native speakers of the same languages? In academia, and STEM especially, that is not a valid assumption. You can solve that problem by writing email and ask prof to reply in written language as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T20:43:40.093" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12947" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12940" CreationDate="2018-04-07T21:12:08.410" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Address the miscommunication.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice I said &lt;em&gt;the&lt;/em&gt; miscommunication. It may be on your or their side. The issue is that some signal processing error is occurring. Try to verbally interject:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me. I'm not quite sure if this answer is addressing the question I had in mind, and perhaps I am not posing the question correctly. Let me rephrase, to clarify. What I'm trying to understand is ____.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to alert the professor to a subtlety in either the question itself or your understanding of the scenario. This may allow them to shift focus more narrowly on your intent, instead of their current line of thinking. Hopefully, a short conversation can guide you both towards the heart of your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Save peculiar or subtle questions during lecture for later.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(edit: this is only if your question arises during lecture. I notice you are mostly interested in discussions outside of lecture. I'll leave this here, though.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any presenter may have a difficult time parsing unusual queries (and their validity) in the middle of lecture, so write down your queries for afterwards.  As an added note, if your query is a significant digression from the lecture, consider saving it for later, mainly to prevent the lecture from being derailed or confusing the other attendees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8357" LastEditorDisplayName="user8357" LastEditDate="2018-04-07T23:53:46.293" LastActivityDate="2018-04-07T23:53:46.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12948" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12954" CreationDate="2018-04-07T22:58:37.987" Score="1" ViewCount="424" Body="&lt;p&gt;A teacher of mine have introduced me to one of his colleague(teacher A). However, I am more interested in the work of teacher B , whom he might or might not know. How do I say I may want to collaborate with teacher B, with out making him feel bad about his choice for teacher A. I want to express my curiosity about teacher B politely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12411" LastEditorUserId="12411" LastEditDate="2018-04-07T23:47:43.760" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T04:16:16.490" Title="How to express curiosity politely?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12949" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12948" CreationDate="2018-04-07T23:32:25.927" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just go with a smile and positivity&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you want to convince Teacher B to work with you, on the other hand you also don't want to make him feel awkward. Few things that might help you while talking to the teacher B&#xA;1. Be very polite. Don't talk loudly.&#xA;2. Try to look enthusiastic (not over excited) &#xA;3. Don't say anything bad or negative about teacher A.&#xA;4. Be positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16459" LastEditorUserId="16459" LastEditDate="2018-04-08T04:16:16.490" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T04:16:16.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12764" CreationDate="2018-04-08T01:38:48.350" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-words/201109/is-nonverbal-communication-numbers-game&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;55% of communication&lt;/a&gt; is body language this makes it much more difficult to communicate with people over the phone and sometimes you need to resort to doing unnatural things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait for them to finish and just explain your problem to them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I couldn't understand some of the jargon you were using but I was afraid to interrupt and offend you let's agree that I will do that in the future and you wont get offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say the last part jokingly and add a chuckle in the end if you feel like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16460" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T01:38:48.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12953" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12764" CreationDate="2018-04-08T01:57:02.893" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If people just continue talking and they don't pause just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wait!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;And then tell them that you like to understand them but you didn't understand this or that and could they please repeat this (and maybe explain it with other words).&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the important part is that you should tell the person that you want to understand them but are not able to understand them. Most people want that others understand them. There is no point in talking and talking when the other(s) don't understand it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just continue to &quot;listen&quot; without understanding then maybe the other person talks for 5 minutes and you understand little because you didn't understand the beginning. If you tell the person then something like &quot;sorry, I didn't understand what you said 5 minutes ago&quot; then it is a lot more likely that the other person is upset and maybe ask you: Why didn't you ask me 5 minutes ago?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is my personal experience as listener and, I have to admit, also sometimes as the person who talks and has to be interrupted. I was never angry with anybody who interrupted me (maybe after 15 seconds) because they didn't understand me. I get angry when people interrupt me already after 5 seconds because they don't want to listen but that is a different issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T01:57:02.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12948" CreationDate="2018-04-08T02:38:32.043" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt; Be honest and talk it out with your mentor &lt;/b&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&lt;li&gt;Thank your teacher for introducing you to teacher A. Emphasize how you appreciate having a teacher that takes the time to support your endeavors.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bring up your interest in working with teacher B, but only after saying how you took the time to contemplate working with teacher A. To avoid making your teacher feel bad, clearly explain your reasoning for choosing teacher B: &#xA;&lt;br&gt;Some sample responses:&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My career goals more align with what teacher B is working on...(proceed to explain career goals)&lt;/li&gt; &#xA;&lt;li&gt;Teacher B's work is more of the experience that I'm looking for because...(proceed to explain your interest)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask for your mentor's opinion now after hearing your reasoning. At this point, be prepared to address your teacher's comments. Your teacher might still advocate for teacher A and that's fine. There might be some points that come up that you haven't thought about. Just don't get flustered. In the end, the final decision falls to you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Final Tid-Bits: Be polite/courteous. Don't be shocked/act defensive if your teacher doesn't agree with your choice. Be prepared to have a discussion. A healthy mentor-mentee relationship is one of good communication and this seems like a good opportunity to build it...&#xA;- Good Luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11605" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T02:38:32.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-08T06:33:05.417" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you get these rude questions, answer with &quot;Oh, I save makeup for special fancy-dress occasions.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You don't need to tell people that these occasions are only every decade or two.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it won't stop all the intrusive conversations, it cuts off a lot of the lines of aggressive approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You know you look &quot;nicer&quot; with makeup, that's why it's part of getting dressed up fancy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You already know what brands and styles of makeup suit you, so you don't need any advice on specifics.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are not making any moral judgement on makeup, it has its place in your life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(It doesn't matter if these things are true, you just want to escape the conversation with dignity.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T06:33:05.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12831" CreationDate="2018-04-08T06:47:32.453" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your younger brother is aware that your attending his graduation could give your mental health a setback, I would suggest emailing him and telling him that it might be best for you to not attend his graduation -- and instead offer to celebrate with him sometime in the future.  Your health comes first, and you need to be a little bit selfish here and protect yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was recently in a similar position, but instead of a graduation, it was a wedding.  I, too, had enough money to attend, and that it was seeing other people that I really didn't want to see that was the issue - an issue that I knew would likely cause a setback in my mental health.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A close friend urged me to make this decision about me - that if I&#xA;  didn't want to go, for valid reasons, then I shouldn't be asking for&#xA;  permission to not attend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went against her good advice, rsvp'd, and attended the wedding - and I saw the people that I really couldn't stand to see.  I managed to stay for about half of the ceremony, until I just felt so overwhelmed that I slipped outside quietly and just left without saying goodbye to anyone.  In retrospect, I would have mailed a gift (or money) to my brother and his wife and explain to them that I wouldn't be able to attend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that you're going to have a hard time managing your stay with your family through all of the graduation activities.  It's a lot to have to put up with, when there are people that you shouldn't be around, because of your mental health.  So again, feel free to be a little selfish here, and make your mental health a priority.  I would bet that your brother would appreciate your honesty and is more than willing to see you at a later date to celebrate and catch up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T06:47:32.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12960" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-08T12:22:27.723" Score="-4" ViewCount="679" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is my first time posting here and I'm not sure what to expect, but I will be doing my best to explain the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I had a recent fallout (first one). We are in a long distance relationship and see each other about every three months or so, and we won't be able to truly be in a physically close relationship until I complete my graduate program and she completes her undergraduate program. She is an absolutely stunning, intelligent, talented human being with a heart of an angel. She deserves nothing more than happiness and success in her life. I love her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She posted on her twitter that she wanted pizza. I wanted to surprise her by buying her pizza, but also not being able to have my information tracked down to keep the surprise. The thing is Little Caesar's is her favourite pizza place---I couldn't find a way to get a delivery-based company to pick up the pizza that's available in her community (I will try harder next time---there has to be a way). Thus, I settled for Dominoe's pizza, which was readily available (I found out the hard way that this was NOT her pizza preference by far). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she received the pizza, she immediately called me and asked if I had bought her pizza---I insisted I didn't because I wanted to preserve the surprise as much as possible. Furthermore, I advocated this fact by saying she wouldn't have wanted Dominoes because it's not her pizza preference (mind you, I didn't know this, so I took a risk in saying, to which, surprisingly, she concurred---I kinda look even more of a jackass). She trusted my word, and so went to proceed to call some of her closest friends and family members (all said they didn't order the pizza), while I'm pretending to be dumb and oblivious to the whole thing---I knew that if I looked at her in the face if she interrogated me, I would have broken completely. I wanted to preserve the surprise as much as possible. In the middle of her interactions with fellow peers, I noticed she entertained the idea of a secret admirer---I thought, &quot;Hey, I could play this off further. Maybe it will get me off her list as a potential suspect for buying her pizza.&quot; In order to not have my information tracked down (because she's one hell of a smart SOB---NEVER UNDERESTIMATE HER!), I used a messaging app that gives me a different number. I used broken English and grammar to not give any indication that it was me (i.e. &quot;your amazzing personn. you deserrve pizza - sekret admirerr&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, she experiences distress and anxiety. She has anxiety--I should have known better. I immediately fessed up and apologized for putting her through her anxiety scare---she told me a recent friend of hers was kidnapped and raped, and she was scared out of her mind that she could a potential victim---I didn't know about this. She couldn't sleep at all that night. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She didn't talk to me at all the day after. At the end of the night, she requested to talk me, and we did. She told me she didn't appreciate that I had lied her, that I didn't fess it was me that ordered the pizza (I didn't fess up for the entire time that previous night until I saw she was panicking and was experiencing anxiety---she also said the pizza thing was sketchy), and that I put her through an episode of anxiety---she told me never to do it again. I had apologized to her, telling her what I did was not right at all and putting her through an episode of anxiety was completely unfair to her being, making her think she was a potential victim. She doesn't deserve this kind of experience at all. It was not my intention to do this to her at all---I wanted to surprise her and make her happy because her smile is one of the greatest delights of this world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has told me to give her some space and time. She has also said she won't easily leave me off the hook, and that tomorrow (which is today) she won't be in a good mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently read a book that recommended to talk to her, listen to her and understand where she is coming from, affirm that I am understanding her, and apologize for these points, and to keep iterating this process until she feels better (the book said she will verbally express this). The thing is, if I try to follow this book, it means that she has not felt better last night, she has not felt my love and understanding of her, (she has said she still feels salty). At the same time, the book has said to give her some space and time, to be patient with her (that is, to not contact her by any means until she feels ready to reach out), and allow her to miss me and come to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm confused---I want to be able to be the best partner that I can be for her. At the same time, I hate to see her this distressed and I feel extremely awful for putting through this---I had a hard time sleeping because my heart was aching from what I have done to her. As much as I would hate to see this relationship go to the history books because she is one of the best things that has ever happened me, I understand what she needs to do to make her happy and I wish nothing but love and the best for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do as a partner in this situation? I don't want to rely on this book---I want actual human feedback that could support me. I reached out to a personal coach of mine, a friend, and her mother for some feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your support means the world to me. Thank you so much IPS.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16474" LastEditorUserId="16474" LastEditDate="2018-04-08T12:51:31.577" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T15:34:28.783" Title="On an argument with a girlfriend; what can I do as a partner that is the best course of action?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-04-08T15:29:01.840" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-08T12:30:20.167" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I assume that most of the people that try to convince you to change are women and wear makeup themselves. When convince attempts becomes annoying you can try to turn it around and ask them to change correspondingly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;I do not feel the need to wear makeup&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Other person&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;Oh, but you should, it will make you look so much better&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;No, ...&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Other person&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;But, ...&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;So you are asking me to change my behaviour to match yours. But let me ask you to change your behaviour to match mine. Try to go one week without wearing any makeup.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask them to search on the internet for the phrase &quot;one week without makeup&quot; or similar and read all the success stories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they refuse then point out that they are in fact asking you to do a significant change but are not willing to do the same thing themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1797" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-11T19:01:58.417" LastActivityDate="2018-11-11T19:01:58.417" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12962" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12960" CreationDate="2018-04-08T12:58:50.920" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give her some time and space as requested. Don't initiate contact but only respond to her texts. Send her a short good night text (&quot;Hope you had a good day. Sleep tight :) &quot;) and tomorrow you can send her a longer good morning text and see how she responds to that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Good morning! Hope you slept well. &quot; + Something personal about the coming day (anything she does on Monday or had planned that day?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She said you're not off the hook, so respect that and be careful for now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Concerning this situation:&#xA;Always make sure people will laugh at the end of your pranks. (You keep saying surprise but I don't see how lying and pretending to be someone else can be a surprise. But that's not the topic of the question.) Don't pretend for now and when you do, come clean immediately. In a couple of weeks you can send her some flowers with a note &quot;From a secret admirer xx (It's Brian)&quot;. This will show her you actually learned from the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3388" LastEditorUserId="3388" LastEditDate="2018-04-08T13:15:41.647" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T13:15:41.647" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12963" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-08T13:08:24.310" Score="4" ViewCount="936" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a kind of a reserved person who minds her own business at the office. I do not socialize much at the workplace and feel it awkward to talk about the daily soaps or interfere in one's personal life or for that matter even talk about the ongoing political affairs of the country or the world. I feel that these are out of our scope and we have no say in it at all. It is more of, something would happen irrespective of my opinion. So, I keep mum during those kind of discussions or avoid if possible. But, there are instances where I can speak about a topic I know for as long as enough. May be this kind of attitude makes people call me as a moody one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It even happens that a lot of information gets passed around during these conversations and most of the times, I am the last person to know. This makes me feel aloof and I get sad sometimes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, there were instances when people spoke to me only because there was no one else to speak to. I was more of a fallback person and that makes me more uncomfortable. And there were times, when people would take advantage of me, try to get work done from me and not talk later. Basically, I was being used. I was not able to differentiate between a casual talk, fallback talk and 'getting used by them' talk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is a hotchpotch of thoughts in my mind. I want to change this attitude and socialize more in the office. What I want to do is '&lt;strong&gt;How do I effectively socialize with my co-workers&lt;/strong&gt;' without interfering in each others' personal lives?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have browsed through the site and found this question. &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6217/as-an-intern-how-do-i-make-friends-with-full-timers/&quot; title=&quot;1&quot;&gt;Socializing with full timers&lt;/a&gt;. It did give me a few pointers. Since, mine is a more elaborate one, I need more help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have thought of a few options. But, I have doubts about it. Kindly advice me w.r.t these. &#xA;Also, please add a few of your own ideas which you think might help me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Meeting at the water cooler or have lunch together.&lt;/strong&gt; There are always&#xA;groups in the project. How do I know which group I need to move&#xA;around with? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tea/Coffee break&lt;/strong&gt; I do not drink tea/coffee and having such break seems&#xA;odd to me. But, I am willing to forgo that and hang around.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cracking jokes now and then&lt;/strong&gt; seems to be a good option but I have no idea&#xA;when/what to crack one/about. How do I ensure that I don't come&#xA;across as a silly woman?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not socialize much during weekends and hence the week starting discusssions are really awkward to me when people ask me how I had spent my weekend. My answer is a simple one sentence and people get disinterested very soon.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There are times, when co-workers of one group indulge in open blasphemy or various kinds of 'isms'. This is one topic that binds a group together and I am not comfortable with any kind of 'isms' let alone talk about it. Or for that matter, it could be a love/hate towards a person or a group that binds them together. Though I do not share my thoughts with them, I am not comfortable being in that group, and I end up being alone, again. I have no idea if such discussions can be dodged and if yes, how? These co-workers could be my superiors whom I report to directly or could be any random colleague. I do not want to end up being &lt;strong&gt;Yes (wo)man&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This might come across as a too broad question for IPS. But, my question is 'How do I effectively socialize with my co-workers'&lt;/em&gt;. The other sub questions are the ways for that question but do not divert from the main one. Kindly do not vote down or close it. I am ready to rephrase it to get the right set of answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12234" LastEditorUserId="12234" LastEditDate="2018-04-08T13:45:49.567" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T11:25:10.963" Title="Socializing at workplace" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-16T06:28:24.550" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12964" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12974" CreationDate="2018-04-08T13:54:52.370" Score="3" ViewCount="511" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother is very relational.  The people she knows and interacts with are important to her, and she has a natural inclination to value opinions and information presented to her by those people over other sources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I value input from people I know, I tend to take a more skeptical approach to new information.  My inclination is to attempt to assess the quality of a source, and cross-reference information across multiple sources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This difference in approach has led to conflict between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, we've been trying to plan a family vacation together.  For various reasons, the timing of our vacation coincides with the rainy season in the location we're considering visiting.  I found out online that this rainy season has a period of several weeks where the rain is much less severe, and there is typically a good amount of sun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sources of my information (several travel blogs, some of which are written by residents of the region) suggest traveling in late July/early August for avoiding the worst of the rainy season.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother's source (a travel agent located in an area far removed from the region we're planning on visiting) stated that early- to mid- June is the best time to travel in the rainy season.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this difference came up on our conversation, I said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It sounds like we're getting contradictory information.  I think we should do some more research, and see if we can find out which is correct before we make a decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother's response was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think the woman who told me June knows what she's talking about.  Her family owns a couple of properties there, so I know she knows what she's talking about.  June is the best time to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could just give in and agree, but I know that if we go in June, and it does wind up being too rainy, my mother will complain constantly (they don't want to go in the rainy season at all, but because my son is in school, we can only travel during the rainy season).  Even though traveling in the &quot;dry&quot; portion of the rainy season doesn't guarantee we'll get some sunny weather, I want to maximize our chances of having good weather.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also think there's a difference between someone who lives in the region (or multiple someones), and someone who doesn't, but whose family owns a couple of properties in the region.  Especially when that somebody is a travel agent trying to sell a vacation package.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when I suggested it would still be worthwhile to do more research, my mother got upset and changed the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I productively question word-of-mouth information that my mother presents as fact?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T18:34:24.173" Title="How to resolve conflict over differing sources of truth?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12965" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13075" CreationDate="2018-04-08T14:27:53.747" Score="10" ViewCount="3194" Body="&lt;p&gt;Growing up, I didn't get along very well with my elder brother. In addition to the usual sibling rivalry (fights and insults), I was always compared to him by everyone including teachers (we went to the same school) and parents because he was great at studies, athletics and socializing (literally a model child every parent wants to have). I on the other hand wasn't that great - average grades (which was considered to be very low here), barely 2-3 friends and not a lot of interest in sports. So this made me hate him even more and I never talked with him much, preferring to spend time with my cousins instead.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Time went on and we became more mature and the fights stopped. He joined a good university and went abroad for his masters. Now we barely even speak with each other (2-3 times a month, that too mostly over WhatsApp texts). We only speak about my future plans and nothing much else. Whenever he visits home, he feels like a complete stranger. I don't have any sort of emotion towards him as I do with my cousins. Just to put that into perspective, I feel more sad when my cousins (whom I can visit anytime I want) leave rather than my brother who can only visit once a year. I want to have a normal sibling relationship with him and have the same family bond I have towards my cousins. What steps should I take to improve the relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 20 and he's 23 if that helps&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;My main goal is to converse with him more frequently (once a week?)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I've tried to engage in topics such as sports, music,  work (etc.) but I can never manage to carry on the conversation. I've tried watching sports with friends, attending parties, going out and exploring but those simply don't appeal to me. Believe me I want partake in those activities too but I've tried a lot and those simply aren't for me. Basically, we have nothing in common&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're extremely casual with our cousins, joking about friends and relationships and my cousins act as a 'bridge' between both of us. I want the same to happen directly between us. My parents also say I'm distant from him and he's made a lot of attempts to reach out too, but there's something nagging in my mind that prevents me from opening up to him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16476" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-12-13T01:51:49.710" LastActivityDate="2019-12-13T01:51:49.710" Title="How do I become closer with my brother? He feels like a complete stranger" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12967" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12960" CreationDate="2018-04-08T15:12:51.107" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I'm certainly no expert on human relationships, it seems clear that your girfriend's reaction was not the one you expected or wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your intention in purchasing pizza for her without telling her was presumably to please her or, to put it differently, evoke a positive reaction, but didn't. Instead, she freaked out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it seems to me that you need to get to know your girlfriend a little better. In particular try to get a better sense of what she might like, what she might dislike, and what her responses to a specific situation might be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also unclear on why you thought why ordering her mystery pizza would please her. I realise a box of chocolates from an admirer is a bit of a stereotype, but if I was sent something edible, and I didn't know who the sender was, I would be quite unhappy, and I probably wouldn't eat it, even if it was chocolate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your girlfriend responded quite strongly to this particular situation, so I recommend thinking a little more before springing other stuff on her. To be clear, a surprise isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it does depend on the surprise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5639" LastEditorUserId="5639" LastEditDate="2018-04-08T15:34:19.813" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T15:34:19.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12965" CreationDate="2018-04-08T15:13:21.080" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is a good thing that you want to rekindle your relationship with your brother. You both are in your early twenties and this is one of the best times to bond together. Have you watched Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules movie? You can learn a thing or two from there. Or for that matter, Do dooni chaar Hindi movie? Though in this case, it is bonding between a pre-teen/teen son and his dad. In both the cases, initially there is a huge gap between those characters, but they tend to find a common factor that binds them together. Even if there is not any, you'll find one over the course of time or you'll start respecting each others' preferences/choices. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would suggest is, &lt;strong&gt;talk to your brother when he is alone&lt;/strong&gt;. Tell him that you want to spend sometime together with him, alone. May be watch his favorite movie together or go to a mall and have some fun time. Do not be particular about the mode of entertainment. Just go with the flow. Ask where he wants to hang out. Take his opinion and value it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might or might not oblige your request. If he does, then you need to take the lead, tell him how much you love spending time with him, that you really miss bonding with him or for that matter hug and tell him how much all these moments mean to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't, still, go and hug him tightly and tell him that you love him. Do it to your heart's content. And it is okay to have a small pillow fight with him, tell him that all you want to do is spend time with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is always something that would work between you both. Try everything that comes to your mind. But, do not stop attempting. And, most importantly do not ever bring out the comparisons that others do. Not now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T15:13:21.080" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12960" CreationDate="2018-04-08T15:23:10.187" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe the best you could do is to give her the slace and time she has clearly expressed that she needed. In the meanwhile, you could also do some reflection so that when she’s ready you two could have an effective communication, resolve this incident and strengthen the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your apologies and reactions were sincere. But from where I stand there are things you probably need some further clarity of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Secret admirer is not something fun. Having a stalker who knows your home address is scary and should be taken seriously. Your gf’s reaction to check who the sender is is sensible and her emotional responses are totally understandable. For you to make a joke out of this and anticipate smiles from her shows lack of judgment to some extent or at least insensitivity. Does it happen before in any other forms of interactions with your gf?  Use this time to really reflect on why it happened and what needs to be changed within you to make sure it doesn’t make again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Although it’s your fault to make a distastful joke, part of her anxiety or fear is triggered by her friend’s experience thus not something you should feel responsible for. She needs to figure out how to deal with it separately from your joke. It probably will take some time. Acknowledge that and when she’s ready to talk ask her if she needs your support. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastEditorUserId="15507" LastEditDate="2018-04-08T15:34:28.783" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T15:34:28.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12970" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-08T15:24:55.883" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just recite the core reasons that you gave us, in a clear and concise manner&lt;/strong&gt; (so that you spend as little of your time as absolutely necessary to bring the point across).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Now, this is in general the most effective way to refute opponent's arguments as per the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Graham_(programmer)#Graham&amp;#39;s_hierarchy_of_disagreement&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Graham's pyramid&lt;/a&gt;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g. something along the lines of: &lt;em&gt;&quot;Look, when you're suggesting this, you're silently assuming two things: that currently I don't feel good about myself, and that I need to look better... for whatever reason, you didn't care to explain. Now, I'll have you know: neither of this is true. So none of your arguments has any merit whatsoever. Now, let's drop this talk once and for all 'cuz I'm not happy having to explain this each time someone else doesn't get the idea.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you use the last phrase or similar (to shove them off by expressing your sincere annoyment), it's important to clearly state a valid, objective reason -- this way, they can't nag you further implying a psychological issue or whatever without it clearly looking like a harassment (which will hopefully deter them since harassment is a legal offense and all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7821" LastEditorUserId="7821" LastEditDate="2018-04-08T15:37:05.883" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T15:37:05.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12972" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12965" CreationDate="2018-04-08T16:12:59.667" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could be open with your brother about how you feel: tell him that it bothers you that you're not as close as brothers should be, and that you'd like to change that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go do something fun together: a movie, a football game, a beer - whatever the two of you would enjoy. This would give you an opportunity to talk, find out what you have in common, and also have a good time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And there, you've laid down the foundation. Now you can build on it. Now you can chat over WhatsApp about more stuff than your future plans. You might find something that would be interesting to your brother, and forward it to him. You might go see the same movie in different countries, and then talk about how you liked it. You might make plans together for his future visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T16:12:59.667" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12964" CreationDate="2018-04-08T17:27:13.167" Score="7" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Ask the word-of-mouth source to explain the discrepancies&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you take your mother at her word that her source is an expert on the topic, then the source should be familiar with these differing opinions and should be able to support their position.  This is particularly true in this case, since the advice is being given in a professional capacity, rather than a social setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So ask the travel agent why the sources you've found are wrong.  (Frame the question as &quot;why are these sources wrong&quot; rather than &quot;are these sources wrong&quot; to hopefully avoid a defensive response).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your path from there depends on the type of response they give, but if you are not satisfied then bring your case back to your mother not as &quot;the travel agent is wrong&quot; but instead as &quot;the travel agent is untrustworthy/unprofessional&quot; (whatever adjective best fits the conversation you had with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Find your own word-of-mouth source&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a source of the type that your mother trusts more and have them contradict the travel agent.  This is, of course, going to be tricky to do depending on what makes your mother trust a source.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do find such a source, then it's important the build your mother's trust in them &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; bringing up the information that contradicts her current source, otherwise she's going to be a lot less receptive towards trusting the new source because of the conflict of interest with her trust towards the old source.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T17:27:13.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12975" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12964" CreationDate="2018-04-08T18:34:24.173" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You won't be able to change your mother's mind. Not going to happen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two things that can work. You &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; go to that travel agent. Tell her that you know one hundred percent she gave your mother awful advice. Tell her that if she doesn't give your mother a call and corrects herself, you will be telling everyone and their dog that this particular travel agent is responsible for spoiling yours and your families holiday. Not a nice thing to do, and it may fail, and your mother better not find out about it, but it might work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other method is to rope in other &quot;trusted&quot; sources of truth (you are just a son or daughter, not a trusted source, your opinion counts for nothing) and let them give &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; truth to the mother. &quot;You are going to X in June? Better pack your snorkel then. Because an umbrella isn't going to help. Everyone knows June is rainy season. Oh, your travel agent says you'll be fine? She should know better than that. &quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T18:34:24.173" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12182" CreationDate="2018-04-08T21:48:37.127" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If, by your own words, she ignores or dodges questions about intimacy and has been since you first met then she is obviously uncomfortable talking about it. There could be a rather large variety of reasons behind it, including mundane reasons such as not wanting to put you off, but also anxiety about revealing 'secrets' that she is not prepared to share with you or anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may never share with you even when you are in a position of deep trust. And you are not in that position right now, because you broke up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really need to know then you need to regain that position of deep trust, which entails getting back together again but then at a deeper level which would require a lot of investment from you during which intimacy is rarely discussed and only performed if both are willing. And still she may not tell you because it is too embarrassing or painful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to know as a precondition for getting back together again then you are sunk. Let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just want to know if she is being honest with you when you are intimate then you already gave your answer in the comments following the question. She is attracted to you, you are a close friend, you were a couple (it is not all that uncommon for separated lovers to still be intimate with one another, especially if there is no new SO) and obviously wanted to have sex or cuddle or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I was in the position of the girlfriend, uncomfortable discussing intimacy, because of anxiety issues. I ended up needing a therapist to sort that out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T21:48:37.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12182" CreationDate="2018-04-08T22:26:25.880" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, you sound rather tedious to keep around.  You are not in a relationship, yet you constantly press for answers for some reason, answers that you apparently consider lying ready-made in some mental or factual drawer withheld from you as their rightful receiver out of spite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Has it never occured to you that casting things into an answer requires &lt;em&gt;committing&lt;/em&gt; to them and becoming responsible for articulating, owning and defending them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want to commit to the responsibilities of a relationship but demand access to her mind and the right to force her to think and decide about personal feelings and thoughts and convey them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a manner, that's quite more intimate and invasive than sex.  Why doesn't she get the right to think about the two of you in her way and on her terms?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16488" LastActivityDate="2018-04-08T22:26:25.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12981" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2405" CreationDate="2018-04-09T01:27:37.133" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I realize this was asked 7 months ago but I was searching for similar solution. My stats professor corrected a problem on Confidence intervals (C.I.) incorrectly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was an explanation for when 2 fixed samples (same n) are taken from a normal distribution with unknown mean M and a known standard deviation and a 90% C.I. for M is constructed with the 1st sample and 95% C.I. for M is constructed for the 2nd sample, will the 95% C.I. be longer than the 90% C.I.? I wrote based on our textbook that yes and when n is fixed and normally distributed, decreasing the C.I. decreases the margin of error (E) which in turn increases the C.I. estimate. This didn't need to be stated for the problem at hand but she crossed out decreases E in this statement and wrote increases. I had no choice but to bring this up to her because it went against our text and if our textbook is wrong, why did she assign it? It was an error that would have led to confusion in future problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I politely asked her in an email, &quot;could you please clarify the H.W. question pertaining to the 90% and 95% C.I.?&quot; I pointed out that what I wrote was exactly in the textbook, word for word and provided the page #, then asked if I was misunderstanding the text. She replied that it was correct and that she mistakenly corrected my statement. I don't like correcting anyone, especially a professor, but it was too confusing to fail to do so. Yes, I'm not going to be a statistician (I only need the class for nursing degree but if I were a professor and made a mistake that would ultimately lead to error down the road in class, I'd prefer correction). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16491" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2018-04-09T02:10:55.803" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T02:10:55.803" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12983" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="12985" CreationDate="2018-04-09T02:55:31.143" Score="4" ViewCount="1307" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I want to have conversations with some people at my school who are pretty political - they're in debate club and taking all these social sciences in school so they have a lot to talk about. Me, being a more math and science oriented person, don't really know much about what they're saying sometimes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem I've encountered is how whenever I try to enter a conversation with these people about something political, I often find myself asking for clarification to understand what they're talking about. And sometimes, I can tell they find it annoying to have to clarify everything so they just continue talking to the rest of the group and I soon find myself in an awkward situation where I'm ignored. And that, sucks, so I end up making an excuse and walking away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails, I think I might just have to get political myself and read up on the news, but I was wondering if there is any effective approach to having a conversation with someone political without making them feel annoyed that they have to clarify things? Like if I want to know their opinion on a topic or something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Help would be much appreciated!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16494" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T14:13:31.773" Title="Is it possible to talk politics while knowing little about politics?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politics&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12983" CreationDate="2018-04-09T03:32:15.587" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not possible to have an engaging discussion about politics when you know nothing about it. At the best, you can have a one-sided conversation, where the other person is talking and you are just nodding your head or saying something like 'Yes, I agree with X's views/policies' while you have no idea of what's being talked about. You might be more comfortable with a group whose interest is similar to yours (maths/science) and with whom you can have a meaningful discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to have a conversation about politics, you should read up a bit. Learn more about the political folks being discussed.Try and understand their views about important things in your country,check if you agree/disagree with their policies.Just read up the news headlines everyday, it should be enough to give you a basic idea of what's going on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T03:32:15.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12983" CreationDate="2018-04-09T03:34:34.900" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Okay... this is usually what I do in a situation where I don't understand the topic yet I want to be involved. Hopefully it will be able to help you out as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you already knew that there will be a lot of politics conversations going on, this is at your advantage as you can &lt;strong&gt;do some homework beforehand&lt;/strong&gt;. It can be as simple as just reading up with on some current political news on your region. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, listen and observe to what the people are saying in the conversations. It should formulate some questions out for you and you should more or less guess their attitude/thoughts towards some political policies or politicians. &lt;strong&gt;Ask questions that can somehow answer your doubts yet to their interest&lt;/strong&gt;. For example you should be able get a gist of someone in the group might be disagreeing with one of the upcoming policy to increase the cost of tax (I do not know what are the politics discussion are, but it will be something along the line). Work with that. So you may ask something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, this is terrible. The increase of tax will means we will have to pay more. That should also means our goods and services prices are going to raise as well? Oh man, did they explain why of the sudden increase of tax? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing for those unknown topics, I find the trick is to just &lt;strong&gt;try to relate to yourself&lt;/strong&gt;. Gradually, you will find yourself in the part of the discussion as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, try to remember some political stuff in your mind that they discussed yet you don't understand and doesn't has a chance to ask any questions. When you are back home, research those political stuff. You may not need go into very depth, in fact, just roughly get the idea of the political stuff discussed earlier. The next time for another discussion, you may bring it out and discuss about it. People will react differently because you have done your homework, so they should be more willingly to explain to you... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, the reason why I asked you if you only referring to one group or several groups is because, you can &lt;strong&gt;borrow conversations&lt;/strong&gt;. This, I would call it a &lt;em&gt;lazy method&lt;/em&gt; (if you don't want to do any homework). So the flow is something like... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Engage in a group who are talking about political stuff&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listen and observe. If there are questions that you can ask that also able to interest the person, ask. Otherwise, just take note in your mind. You can choose to/not to do your homework when back home&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In a new group, you may used back some points mentioned in the earlier group. And usually, you should get new information from the new group as well&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And then, somehow... you will already gain some knowledge in political stuff&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-04-09T15:04:20.817" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T15:04:20.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12986" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12983" CreationDate="2018-04-09T03:36:27.803" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The ideal path would be some education; keep up with current events, read/watch/listen to the news, maybe take a class or two. It's good to be aware of these things generally speaking, and it will give you a starting point for discussions about politics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Barring that, listening to them discuss politics for a while may help, if they're actively debating a topic you may even get more than one point of view. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other route would be to look for overlaps in subject matter. Often politics will overlap with areas that you may have more knowledge of. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're into earth-space sciences, their will be overlaps like environmental issues, government funding for research, state funded space exploration and the like. It may seem like a comp out, but government policy and debate has an impact on &quot;science&quot;. Take things like energy production, medicine, and global warming. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if science doesn't provide enough overlap,  math is everywhere in politics. (Well math is everywhere in general)  Statists would probably be a good place to start, but I'm sure there's plenty of interesting math in economics, tax policy, and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretty much you may be able to offer an &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;outsider's perspective&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; on politics, based on the math and sciences that tend to be swept under rug when people talk about political policies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/EaOME.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;picture of a children in a crowd holding a sign saying &amp;quot;What do we want? Evidence based science. When do we want it? After peer review&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-03T14:13:31.773" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T14:13:31.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="12987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12963" CreationDate="2018-04-09T06:19:27.473" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm very utilitarian and heavily influenced by AI research and their approach to intelligence and &quot;social intelligence&quot;. So if our view's don't at least partly correlate you will probably not find my answer super useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion (some may disagree, as usual) social chit-chat, banter, small-talk and gossip is all the same. &#xA;People aim to (1) discuss some more or less abstract scenario to figure out the best behavior/action to reach their goal or (2) people try to identify your goals to make sense of actions proposed in (1). Different types of talk only vary in how these scenarios are embodied, for example banter is commonly a sandbox for actually acting through such scenarios (a literal mock up).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that respect I usually find it easy to connect with random people or co-workers. If I don't feel like sharing something personal on the topic I can often contribute a less personal, more abstract scenario. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: &quot;Hey, how was your weekend?&quot; (aka. did you find any [for the asker] new or interesting way to waste your time and have some fun.) If I don't want or have something catchy that I did I could respond with: &quot;Good, good. I've read this article saying that they do paragliding close by. I wonder if that's worth it.&quot;. Then we can have a pro/con discussion and share such goals [&quot;I think thats too dangerous.&quot;] or strategies [&quot;Awesome how do I sign up?&quot;].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your strategies to becoming more socially engaged&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Meeting at the water cooler or have lunch together. There are always groups in the project. How do I know which group I need to move around with?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually the one that you have the most common interest with. For me that is the group that currently discusses some AI stuff, my current project group or the one with the prettiest women I don't know yet (The search for a decent looking &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; smart partner proofs more tedious then getting a PhD in a technical subject).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, that is my interest. For you that may be different; I suggest you ponder what your goals are and through that what you are interested in. Once you know your goals it's easy to ask &quot;how does this group help me achieve that&quot; and figure it out via through trial and error. You are doing a guided search rather then random guessing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be to afraid to try different groups or follow interesting people. &quot;trying to expand your social circle&quot; is generally accepted and encouraged by most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tea/Coffee break I do not drink tea/coffee and having such break seems odd to me. But, I am willing to forgo that and hang around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What? Sacrilege! Okay, I also drink neither; I stick to water and the occasional coke if I need to stay up late. From my experience that is accepted as well. The goal isn't to drink beverage, but to create a relaxed atmosphere and engage in one of those goal and policy discussions. &quot;Optimizing strategy&quot; and being prepared for different scenarios matters a lot to people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example you can use the coffee break to say &quot;Hey, I've noticed you always hang out with X; at least in the office. How did you get to know each other?&quot; but what you are asking is: &quot;What is your strategy for meeting new people and come off as so social? I am very interested your approach, because I try to improve technique.&quot; (which you are, you ask on this SE) Suddenly you are (1) social and (2) discuss becoming even more social in your personal context. Win-win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Cracking jokes now and then seems to be a good option but I have no idea when/what to crack one/about. How do I ensure that I don't come across as a silly woman?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always make a joke. It's what kind of joke you're telling that makes the difference. Generally if it is elevating another person then it hardly goes wrong. Worst case, people don't understand the joke and your simply making somebody a compliment. Best case you are making a compliment AND show that you are fun to be around and people tend to gravitate to fun people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do NOT however use jokes on someone else's expense. That rarely works unless your doing banter in a group of friends. Self deprecating humor is also something that can backfire in a purely professional context. If I don't understand the joke I will think your incompetent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An interesting twist that I am doing; that I don't really see elsewhere is self-elevating humor. It may be slightly narcissistic, but it (1) builds your self-confidence and (2) makes people laugh. The idea is to elevate yourself so much over the top that it becomes clear you are goofing around. I refrain from giving an example, because somebody on SE will read it as arrogant without the corresponding body-language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do not socialize much during weekends and hence the week starting discussions are really awkward to me when people ask me how I had spent my weekend. My answer is a simple one sentence and people get disinterested very soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See my example above. It's not about what you actually did but if you know anything new or fun that they could do. You could tell people that you've read a post from a random dude on what to respond this very question and then have a meta discussion about the question &quot;What did you do this weekend?&quot; :D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There are times, when co-workers of one group indulge in open blasphemy or various kinds of 'isms'. This is one topic that binds a group together and I am not comfortable with any kind of 'isms' let alone talk about it. Or for that matter, it could be a love/hate towards a person or a group that binds them together. Though I do not share my thoughts with them, I am not comfortable being in that group, and I end up being alone, again. I have no idea if such discussions can be dodged and if yes, how? These co-workers could be my superiors whom I report to directly or could be any random colleague. I do not want to end up being Yes (wo)man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't quite get what you mean by 'isms' and if it is literal blasphemy or if it's a metaphor. I will assume you mean general gossip; odds are you are not from a deeply religious country / state.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't like it vote with your feet and walk away. People tend to respect consistent behavior. If somebody asks you can be blunt and say &quot;I am really uncomfortable with this topic and don't want to talk about it.&quot; You give people room to do what they think is good and they will probably do the same in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't walk away e.g. a meeting, you can always be polite and ask if that can be discussed later and if you could stick to the topics of the meeting for the time being. The idea of a meeting is to really focus on one topic and not waste people's time. Worst case you come off as work focused and task driven (which in a work place is a good thing); best case you come off as somebody that can lead a conversation and can take responsibility in a project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16239" LastEditorUserId="16239" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T11:25:10.963" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T11:25:10.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12988" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12983" CreationDate="2018-04-09T08:18:36.683" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;they just continue talking to the rest of the group and I soon find myself in an awkward situation where I'm ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a common issue in a group discussion, no matter what the topic. &lt;strong&gt;A group meeting is not a private lesson.&lt;/strong&gt; If you monopolize the attention of the whole group while one person explains something to you that everyone else already knows, then you're basically telling them that you think your time is a lot more important than theirs. This is quite rude, and everyone else will get bored rather quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the group manager has any experience, at this point he will suggest you come back later for a one-on-one discussion to assess your current level and explain how to bring you up to speed, then perhaps hand you a &quot;how to join the club&quot; leaflet, which hopefully would list reading material, etc, and all prerequisites. Since they didn't do this, you'll have to suggest it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In order to be accepted into such a group you have to bring value.&lt;/strong&gt; As a beginner, you can do this by asking interesting questions that make other people think and show you're actually interested enough in the subject to have done some homework. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask questions that show you did no work on your own then this means you're not interested in the topic at hand, so they'll of course reject you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, some politics-specific stuff. The issue with this particular topic is that anyone can pretend they know what they're talking about, while actually having no clue. Also, disagreeing with people tends to piss them off. So it is a good idea to listen to the debates for a while and determine if there is any diversity of opinion. If all the speakers are interchangeable and ideologically uniform, and if they seem reluctant to let new members join, then suspect it's an ideological echo chamber and not a debate club.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recommended reading, off the top of my head:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Jonathan Haidt - The Righteous Mind&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hayek - Road to Serfdom&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saul Alinsky - Rules for Radicals&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thomas Sowell - Basic Economics (Not the one from Hazlitt)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Milton Friedman - Capitalism and Freedom&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Nassim Taleb - Skin in the game&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Frédéric Bastiat - The Law&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For more left-leaning stuff, ask the social science students ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T08:18:36.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12983" CreationDate="2018-04-09T08:32:33.520" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should never feel inferior to others just because the current topic of conversation is not your specialised subject. I wouldn't want to be in the company of people who deliberately made me feel that way, but I am assuming that isn't the case - they are good friends to you and they are not deliberately trying to confound you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you study science I'm sure you will know that many people have a basic, understanding of science - either high school level, or how forces affect them in a practical way. You are just studying science at a deeper level. Likewise, you may think you don't know anything about politics, but likely you do have a basic understanding of laws, taxation, border control etc - as far as it affects you personally. You likely just don't think you know much because you are comparing yourself to your friends who study it at an advanced level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself - do you get irritated if a friend asks you to explain or clarify something scientific? I'm hoping not - most science and mathematics is built on the previous work of others. There wouldn't be progress if scientists did not educate others about their work. Well, without commenting on the current state of politics, politicians are supposed to be concerned with what the general population think and feel. They represent them. If that is what your friends studying politics aim to be, then they ought to be happy to discuss with anybody at any level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When speaking about politics, don't be afraid of sounding stupid, even if somebody attacks your point. Remember that politics is all about opposition! For every government there is a shadow government saying the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also remember you can bring something unique to their discussion. For example - here in the UK where healthcare is mainly free and funded by taxation debates rage about smoking. Some say that smoking should be made illegal because smoking related illness costs the health service millions; whereas others say that the very high rate of tax on tobacco funds the health service, which would collapse without it. Two very different arguments, both seem sound from a financial point of view. Someone who knows a lot about politics and understands the intricate details of how things are funded could get caught up in the financial argument. Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to point out that health and lives are involved. As I said - just an example, please lets not debate the details here!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to go into any discussion confidently, challenge them, enjoy learning from them, embrace and enjoy your status as an &quot;everyman&quot; in such discussions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T08:32:33.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12991" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-09T11:14:24.333" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Welcome to my world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see two questions there:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[How to maintain] honesty while being comforting in response to insecurity about relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;honesty&quot; part is for you; the &quot;comforting&quot; for your wife. For your wife, it does not matter at all whether you are honest or not, because she simply cannot know which is which.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, if you are bad at lying and she knows the signs, then she will find out if you lie. But this is not your problem. Your problem is that she has no way to detect when you are telling the &lt;em&gt;truth&lt;/em&gt;; and by the way you describe her, she seems to be disposed such that she either has a negative pre-disposition about you telling the truth (i.e., she doesn't really believe you although you are true), or she has internal issues (anxiety, fear etc.) which makes it so that it just does not matter whether what you say is true (&quot;Yes, I wholeheartedly believe you, but what if ...&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, forget about the &quot;Honesty&quot; aspect her. You want to concentrate on comforting her. This does not necessarily have anything to do with the future, with her question, or with your own inner workings. Possible routes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do more stuff with her. Spend as much time as possible, doing whatever it is you do (and if it's only binging TV series). Don't even give her time to start worrying.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Work on being able to defuse any fraught situations before they start. This can be simple things like &quot;oh, look, it is so warm out there&quot; - &quot;no, it is cold&quot; - &quot;I find it's warm&quot; - &quot;you &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; say it is different, do you think I'm stupid&quot; - blabla. You give no indication whether this kind of problem sometimes occurs in your partnership, but if it does, fix it (you can do it on your side).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure that there are no things that you habitually keep secret from your wife. I am not talking about other relationships here, but simple things. Maybe you have a fetish for the sign language of small furry animals, which you are telling nobody about. Make sure you are able to talk freely with your wife about it. And so on... give her the feeling that she is inside the &quot;inner circle&quot; as far as you are concerned.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure to have lots of humour in your relationship... easy things, eating well, enjoying sunsets etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Occasionally, make plans for the future together (for example, extending the house with a shed, getting a pet, etc. - maybe even the obvious topics like children etc.) and then be sure to follow through. I.e., long-term projects in addition to short-time merrymaking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all this is as it should be, then when she gets her anxiety attacks or whatever it is that prompts &quot;I'm afraid you'll leave me some day.&quot;, just cuddle with her and show her how great your love is. No &quot;objective&quot; talking is necessary or helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I reassure my wife that I do not foresee our relationship ending without dishonestly guaranteeing a positive future outcome in all possible scenarios?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot. There is simply no way. Source: The situation you are describing sounds like I could have described my wife (and my own character). That particular combination of characteristics is not something special, I've seen it plenty in colleagues or friends - it just works out that way. The one person rather logical/unemotional; the other one very emotional. Talking does not help, there is simply nothing you can say (as you, yourself, have deduced already).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, for your own sake, I would suggest trying not to overthink all of this. It's not your fault, it's not her fault, and you cannot fix it really. Yes, I am running under the assumption that it is not so bad that you are going to therapy because of this. If it does get bad (i.e., severe, long-term bouts of depression or something like that) then the advice would change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;N.B.: Your own thought process shows that you are already thinking quite &quot;buddhist&quot; thoughts (things come and go, not everything can be seen up front, not everything is under control). Reading western buddhist texts can help (you, not your wife) a lot. There are also some current-day western monks out there who have presence on Youtube - check them out (e.g. Ajahn Brahm, and others). You will recognize them by the fact that there is no religious subtext at all there, it's all about thinking clearly. This stuff actually &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; work as a kind of maintenance for the brain, and it can make many choices, especially for people who think like you, &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; simple and painless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T11:14:24.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12604" CreationDate="2018-04-09T11:50:48.027" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, what you have to keep in mind is that you can not force anyone to speak a language just because you don't understand theirs. They are completely free to talk the language they want or the language they feel the most comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an Erasmus student I have been in your same situation and it's something that usually happens. Based on my experience I can just say that the closer you get to them, the easier will be to make them talk in a common language but I can understand that it is difficult to you to reach this point if they don't have common talks in English. And, as someone already said, just keep in mind how difficult is to think and express yourself all the day long. If not, give it a try, you'll end up exhausted! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following with the topic, if you are not even interested in having a conversation but just bothered by the fact they talk in a language you don't understand then you should just let them be. Probably you think they are talking bullshit about you or about something else and they want to &lt;em&gt;hide&lt;/em&gt;  it from you, but most likely is not like this. The majority of the times they are talking about normal things so you shouldn't worry if they are talking about you. This said, I am not saying you feel this way but it could be a possible explanation of your feeling towards them speaking different languages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking them directly to change their language just because you don't understand is not really polite. Instead what you could do is tell them how you feel about it e.g. lonely and you don't feel like interrupting them to participate as you don't know if it's appropiate to enter the conversation of not. I am sure they will understand and if even it may take a time they will end up changing so you can feel included.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you would like to talk to them and be friends with then you can make an effort and &lt;strong&gt;try to learn different words from their languages&lt;/strong&gt; they will highly appreciated and try to teach you new ones and therefore change automatically their language as they will see you have interested in being with friends and talking to them. It can be difficult but you just need to learn some bad words or funny things and you'll touch them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides, they will probably be aware of the effort it took you so they won't mind to make the effort to talk in English if you want to take part in the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll be surprised how much people change when instead of trying to make them change their language you try to learn theirs!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16505" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T11:50:48.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12993" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13011" CreationDate="2018-04-09T11:56:20.887" Score="21" ViewCount="7286" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My new manager came three or four times telling me something similar to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This customer gave a good feedback on your work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually reply with a &quot;&lt;em&gt;Thanks&lt;/em&gt;&quot; or &quot;&lt;em&gt;I'm glad they appreciated&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Then we look each other for 5 seconds, saying nothing, until my manager leaves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During these 5 seconds - which seem &lt;em&gt;very long&lt;/em&gt; - I feel like the manager expects me to say something else, but I have no idea what...  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I do to defuse this awkward situation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16502" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T21:27:37.333" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T21:27:37.333" Title="Awkward end of conversation" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-04-10T13:09:07.843" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12994" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12993" CreationDate="2018-04-09T12:05:03.707" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could ask what exactly the customer commended on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives your manager the possibility to talk a bit more about what was appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5726" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T12:05:03.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-09T12:55:29.303" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Written as an answer, per @clark's suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a person who had on occasion felt like your wife does, I'd suggest dropping the &quot;but&quot; ending of the sentence. It can sound as if you're putting an emphasis on the uncertainty, as opposed to your current feeling about the future. I'd say something like &quot;It is impossible to predict the future, but it's hard for me to imagine it happening&quot;. Not as in &quot;I can't make up a hypothetical scenario in which it could happen&quot;, but as in &quot;I feel like our relationship would stay the same as far as I can see&quot;. (Assuming this is somehow similar to how you feel).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see myself as quite a rational person, and I completely agree that one cannot make promises about the future, but one can express his intentions or feelings. For example, I can't be sure I'd love my partner my whole life, but I feel like there's no real reason for it to change, and I intend to be open with him if something does happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5127" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T12:55:29.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="12999" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13000" CreationDate="2018-04-09T12:58:10.690" Score="13" ViewCount="3777" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 26, born and since living in Barcelona, I share house with 2 other guys, lets call them Bob and John. Bob is my best friend since 7 years ago and John  is a friend I knew  2 years ago from a friend in common, we have a good relationship and share a lot of tastes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me and my best friends are natural competitors, we met each other on a tournament of a Card game, and have been game pals since. We've competed at high level on several popular games and we really enjoy the thrill of competition. I do this on my spare time, I work 30h/week as a software developer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other flatmate is more of a casual player, who plays just for fun. He also has less time to play games since he got his last job which has a really heavy schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately, after a break from competing in the last card game we were focused on, we decided to start training hard again and try to win tournaments and get good results. Therefore we spend more time practicing and playing in those tournaments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This creates situations where Bob and I spend whole afternoons of the weekend playing long tournaments, or just spending tons of hours playing during the week if we have an important tournament coming up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;John sometimes brings up that Bob and I waste too much time on that and instead - as really smart people - we should be investing our time in other more productive things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've had a few discussions about this. I try to explain to him that it isn't the same  playing a game for fun as playing to compete among the best players in Europe/the world.  We just don't get the same satisfaction if you cut the number of hours you invest because you usually see your performance decreasing as well, and honestly that's a feeling I don't like. When I compete at something, I like to do my best among the parameters I can (I won't quit my job to have more time to compete since my developer career is a safe path and well paid). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conversations usually go like this :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John: But don't you see that with that brain of yours if instead of playing you were using all that time to study or doing your own projects or business you could do whatever you want?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: I know. it's just a matter of preference. I enjoy competing in games; I've been doing it since I was 14 years old and I really enjoy it. I don't feel like giving it up for an improvement over my financial life, which you know, is perfectly okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John: Yeah, but think how much could you make and all the interesting things you could investigate if you used that time productively like in this Machine Learning book you bought recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ME: Well, I'm interested in the subject and I'll be studying it and trying to learn and see if I can make a jump to it in the next years but I won't give up the thing I enjoy the most in my life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's usually the one who brings up the topic and I like to discuss quietly about things. But he just doesn't seem to understand that our perception of competing in games is really different from just playing for fun. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only solution I can see is trying to compare it with something he really cares about like music (he plays guitar and he's been doing it for 14 years, so he's pretty good at it). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clarifications&lt;/strong&gt; (may be adding new ones if I see it necessary)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;During 2 years of college I had addiction to one of the games I was competing in, which ruined my college years and I sabotaged myself from finishing it. I didn't realize this for a while but when I did, after working on it, I quit playing for some time and tried to learn from my experience to avoid that happening again. Now I invest a little less hours (they're still a lot), but it's just when I feel like it. For some days I just don't play at all since I don't feel like it. And therefore I don't think I have a gaming addiction anymore, since the way I mentally approach it and how it affects on me are really different.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I've told him a hundred times I understand completely his concerns about our future, but the things is even if I follow my current path, I have a quite successful path, Bob isn't in the same situation so I understand his concerns about him and I've spoken with him about this issue, so I don't see why is he so bothered with me, just because I could &quot;aim higher&quot;. But yeah, I don't see any of his attempts as attacks but rather trying to help us.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Bob and I talk about the game a good amount of time but we also discuss tons of topics (politics, psychology, philosophy,etc) so it's not like we're always and exclusively talking about that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I better explain how Bob and I feel about this so that he will accept our point of view or, at the least, get him to stop trying to make us feel guilty for playing them so much?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6215" LastEditorUserId="6215" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T08:17:18.950" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T23:23:33.497" Title="How to explain my friend that my gaming is not interfering with my life and I enjoy it?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;empathy&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13000" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12999" CreationDate="2018-04-09T13:14:02.030" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You guys have a fundamental disagreement as to the values guiding you. Thus, you will likely never get John to agree with you guys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you can ask him to understand, and respect your choices, which is probably the best you can hope for. That involves a couple of different things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, outline the logic driving you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You compete in high-level tournaments.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In order to stand any chance at all, you have to be really good.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your performance deteriorates if you don't practice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're competitive and want to win, therefore you practice a lot.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He doesn't have to agree with how you spend your time to understand your thinking in that regard. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, you'll need to explain that it's OK to disagree, but that he needs to respect your choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John, we've been having these conversations fairly regularly. Here's my position [outline the above]. I know you fundamentally disagree with this being a valuable pastime, but please respect how I choose to spend my time. I'm getting a little weary of having these conversations all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, it seems to me like John is trying to bring you around to his point of view, which is not without merit, and that you're simply tired of his attempts to convert you. However, he's probably also doing it because he cares about you, and hates to see you &quot;wasting your time&quot; (which is the way his value system categorizes playing cards). So you also need to understand that his attempts stem from good intentions, not a desire to nag. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7425" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T13:14:02.030" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12983" CreationDate="2018-04-09T13:31:47.347" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You talk about what you experience and how you see the world, you don't start attempting to quote stats. Open mindedness is key for this. If you have little understanding of the political world that expressing that you knowledge it limited in this subject will also help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said if you want to start discussing politics you need to keep up to date with news of your country. Remember this however this main reason for Politics being a divisive subject is because it is mostly nuanced meaning that not one side is 'good' or another is 'bad'. They may have differing opinions but that doesn't mean they are the enemy by any stretch, something that is being forgotten in today's climate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16508" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T13:31:47.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12993" CreationDate="2018-04-09T14:08:21.220" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, just a brief &quot;Thanks, that's good to hear&quot; or &quot;Thanks, I'm glad to hear that&quot; is probably sufficient. Follow up with a smile and look at your supervisor to see what's coming next- what's his expression? Smiling? Worried about something? Looking like he's holding something back he wants to ask about? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's a super long pause, or it looks like she wants to say something else, you can always be straightforward: smile and say &quot;was there anything else you wanted to ask about?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But pauses often feel longer than they are, especially when you're just getting to know someone. You can always smile, wait a second, and then look back to your work. At least your manager is passing on positive feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16511" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T14:08:21.220" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12182" CreationDate="2018-04-09T14:35:00.857" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bad news: affection != sex. If you broke up because she wasn't affectionate enough towards you and this hasn't changed, things aren't going to become better because you're sleeping together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can talk to her about it, but it most likely won't change her feelings or actions. What you need to decide is what you want from a relationship- are you ok with casual sex? Is holding on to something you already decided wasn't working keeping you from pursuing better alternatives (other people who would be more affectionate)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's ignoring the subject, either it's because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings (by saying she likes you but not that much or in that way) or she doesn't want to face her own feelings/actions, either because she has issues with being close to people or she feels guilty about keeping you hanging on when you're not a good match for each other. It's definitely not a good sign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, you need to decide what you are looking for in a relationship (in general, not just with her) and decide if how things are going could honestly become that. Don't be afraid to let something meh go so you can find something great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, when we are young and bad at communicating our needs and wants, we can hurt each other like this and waste so much time. First, decide what you need and are looking for. Then, if you think it's worth it, talk to her about it frankly and see if she's changed her mind. If not, move on and find someone who will treat you how you deserve. Don't waste another year and half wondering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16511" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T14:35:00.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13008" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12999" CreationDate="2018-04-09T15:40:17.237" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell him that you have decided that one of the primary aims of your life is to have a good time, and that the game - to you - represents having a good time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this approach has a good chance of working because the idea that one of the main aims in life is to have a good time is somewhat commonly-accepted in many cultures, and may therefore be accepted as reasonable even if not agreed with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also take inspiration from &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1039774-this-entire-generation-seems-to-have-become-pussies-you-know&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt; (slightly NSFW) quote by the immortal Lemmy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16064" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T15:40:17.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12983" CreationDate="2018-04-09T17:13:18.173" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was a teenager, I had a similar problem with cars. A large number of my friends would talk about cars and I was pretty clueless. However, I didn't want to be excluded from the conversations entirely, so I employed a few techniques to keep myself involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not ask questions.&lt;/strong&gt; The more questions you ask, the more of a burden to the conversation you become. Instead, just try to pick things up on context. If you really can't understand anything at the moment, stay out of the conversation until it moves back into more familiar territory. You don't really need to understand the full meaning of a conversation to move forward with it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be agreeable.&lt;/strong&gt; Most people will have a better time accepting you in a conversation if they think you are on their side. If you don't have a particular side, try to find topics that seem to have the largest agreement, and speak up to occasionally lend your support. E.g. &quot;I can't believe this person did this thing! What was he/she thinking?&quot; or even just an occasional &quot;Yeah, totally!&quot; This will be gratifying to those you are supporting and can give you credibility if you do it skillfully.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Focus on the topics you are most familiar with, and be confident in them.&lt;/strong&gt; You may be clueless about politics, but there will almost certainly be a topic you have an opinion on and at least some knowledge to work with. At the very least you can improvise some reasoning to support your opinion. Do not let them tell you that you are wrong on these topics or that you don't know what you are talking about. Find a very subjective defense of your opinion and stick with it. For me (cars) it was something like &quot;I know it isn't the strongest, fastest, or best engineered model (this is always true), but I think it is super smooth looking and dang it, I like it!&quot; For you it could be something like, &quot;I don't know all the details, but it &lt;em&gt;feels&lt;/em&gt; right to me. Shouldn't we all follow our own moral compass?&quot; These kind of statements are really easy to stick to and hard for people to call you on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As always, it helps if you know a thing or two, so my final advice is to go listen to some political podcasts. There are plenty of both liberal and conservative podcasts on iTunes, Google Play Music, etc. that can help you become familiar with politics and current events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T17:13:18.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12993" CreationDate="2018-04-09T17:25:07.643" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your manager maybe expecting your active participation in feedback. Like if he said something, he wants you to come up with like you can say thanks. .we did our best...what else we can do?..or maybe you can share your experience with him ..but little short to fill your 5/6 seconds looooong time&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16518" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T17:25:07.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12993" CreationDate="2018-04-09T17:26:04.247" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, your manager is likely just trying to make sure that you know you are appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, it is an interpersonal test of your ability to follow-up on a conversation topic. I'm not saying that anything is currently going on but if a higher position opens up then your manager will have a much easier time of recommending you for it if you show good interpersonal skills everyday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh thank you, it's very nice to hear that. Did they mention anything in specific which they liked?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully your manager is able to continue the conversation and it puts the onus on them to not end things awkwardly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-04-09T17:31:24.073" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T17:31:24.073" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13012" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13013" CreationDate="2018-04-09T18:32:22.300" Score="-6" ViewCount="1169" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently met a girl in Manhattan, near where I live.  As I got to know her - we both happened to be getting late night food at the same place - she taught me about something called &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Taylor ham&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, which is something that's apparently very popular, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;virtually sacred&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, in New Jersey, where she's from.  She discussed some things with me about the typical uses of Taylor ham, such as making Taylor ham, egg, and cheese, on a Kaiser roll.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After about 15 minutes of talking, she got her food,  gave me her phone number, written on a napkin, and asked for me to keep in touch - and then she drove home to New Jersey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happened a few nights ago, and I am planning to text her at some point, within the next day or so.  However, given that the only topic of discussion that we had was about Taylor ham, I'm finding it difficult with regards to what to text her with.  I don't know anything else about her, other than the fact that she's from New Jersey.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I transition a conversation about Taylor ham, with a girl, into a more meaningful conversation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That is, how can I start a more varied conversation with her when all that we have talked about before is Taylor Ham?&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She sounds like a person that I'd like to know better, but I'd like to make the conversation about more than just food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T07:09:35.550" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T12:20:28.703" Title="How can I transition a conversation about Taylor ham, with a girl, into other topics" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="16" ClosedDate="2018-04-10T08:02:55.597" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13012" CreationDate="2018-04-09T18:57:34.150" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ah New Jersey's equivalent to Ambrosia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps the best way to transition would be simply to ask her where the best place to get a Taylor, egg, and cheese is, and tell her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, I'd really like to try one some time, I've never had one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then ask her about her favorite places to get one, then about favorite places in the area in general.  That way you can establish a rapport about more than just the food item.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T12:20:28.703" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T12:20:28.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13012" CreationDate="2018-04-09T18:59:15.697" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Of course she wants to go on a date with you she gave you her number!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;keep in touch&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is just code for &quot;Call&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; me invite me for a date&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes the transition very simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey I'm Hutch we met at that place the other night and you taught me about &quot;Taylor ham&quot; would you like to meet for dinner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer is backed up by every time a girl gave me her number she expected me to ask her out for a date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1 - I'm old fashioned and actually call people, you can do the same with texts if it makes sense to you.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5412" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T18:59:15.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13016" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12999" CreationDate="2018-04-09T19:18:45.873" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't make people understand things.  There is no magic phrase that anyone here can give you that will make him think the way you do, and not how he does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've stated how you feel and why already, now you need to tell him that he needs to mind his own business, and you aren't going to discuss how you spend your time with him anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T19:18:45.873" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13017" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13050" CreationDate="2018-04-09T19:36:01.237" Score="9" ViewCount="2145" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me (M,18) and my best friend (F,18) have become friends with &lt;em&gt;Amy&lt;/em&gt; (F,17). We do not really like other people, but &lt;em&gt;Amy&lt;/em&gt; was recently distanced from her usual group of friends, so we decided to &lt;em&gt;adopt&lt;/em&gt; her. &lt;em&gt;Amy&lt;/em&gt; is not mentally stable and has dealt with anorexia and depression. It is going better with her now, but she is now going too far into our personal zone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Amy&lt;/em&gt; shares extremely private information with her parents about us.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Amy&lt;/em&gt; constantly asks about personal stuff that we don't want to talk about.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Amy&lt;/em&gt; cancels her already well-planned birthday party to try to invite us to her birthday party, despite that we have said multiple times that we don't go to birthdays because of religious reasons.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Waiting upwards of 2.5 hours to bike home with us for only 7 minutes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Getting angry when me and my best friend hang out without her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has said that me and my best friend are her only real friends, and that she would still have depression and suicidal tendencies, if we weren't there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR;&lt;/strong&gt; How do you distance yourself from a emotionally unstable person that has become too attached, without hurting her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Amy&lt;/em&gt; reacts to normal social interactions as if they are extremely weird and awkward. She can talk hours about how someone looked at her funny, while in reality it was just someone that wasn't even looking at her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So what do we want?&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;We would like to distance ourselves from &lt;em&gt;Amy&lt;/em&gt;, to the point were we don't really hang out, but still talk when we bump into each other (We go to the same school, and see each other at least 4 times a week). We're seeking advice how to do this without hurting &lt;em&gt;Amy&lt;/em&gt; and while being extra careful because of her mental state and history of being pushed away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16522" LastEditorUserId="16522" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T10:37:09.867" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T18:28:38.663" Title="How to distance yourself from someone that is growing overly attached" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2699" CreationDate="2018-04-09T19:41:34.937" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will give you some very important rules for dealing with loans. I use them personally, I have never regretted using them, but the few instances when I have &quot;broken&quot; those rules made me regret it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you loan money to someone, treat this money as potentially lost money, unless you are able to and ready to use legal methods to get your money back. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not give loans to people that are important to you, as a loan can poison or even ruin a relationship. Either give it as a gift or give nothing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When gifting, it is generally better not to give the money itself, but rather pay for the one being helped. For example, does your brother want to buy PlayStation 3? Go to the store with or without him and pay yourself, then hand it over to your brother. Without the receipt, of course, so that your brother cannot have it refunded. &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you cannot pay for the person/the people being helped, like if they plan to visit an amusement park and you are not going with them, it is often a good idea not to help. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; decide whether you help or not no matter which kind of help it is, no matter how easy or hard it is. Turn down any help &quot;requests&quot; that are actually demands, possibly just on the grounds that it was a demand rather than a request. You do not owe help to anyone, even your parents, and it is your will to help or not to. If you don't think that the request is worthy, just say &quot;no&quot;. Otherwise, you can become a slave of someone whose help &quot;requests&quot; always make you do something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be ready to drop connections to people who are ready to lose you if you didn't give them money. Even if it means dropping connections to your parents. It's better to have no relationship than an abusive one. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important that I do help people kind of often, but those rules stop this help from ruining our relationships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1581" LastEditorUserId="1581" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T21:30:40.677" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T21:30:40.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13017" CreationDate="2018-04-09T20:37:22.397" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can try messaging her, saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry Amy, but unfortunately, I am not able to give you the help that I think you really need. I also feel that you would really benefit from (more) therapy.  I am really concerned about your mental health and want to see you feeling better soon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and follow up with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good&#xA;  luck with everything; I truly hope that things improve on your end,&#xA;  and that you become more stable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and end with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's touch&#xA;  base in the near future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This has the effect of you wishing her well, but also not completely closing the door on your friendship with her.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also sends a clear message that you are looking to distance yourself from her.  If she becomes demanding about your being too busy, reiterate that you wish her the best, and that you hope to see her improve her health, and that you plan to reconnect in the future.  This way, she is reminded that you only have the best intentions and aren't trying to harm her in any way.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="10454" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T12:40:36.053" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T12:40:36.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12993" CreationDate="2018-04-09T20:55:02.060" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Good feedback can also be taken to mean solid critique, especially if contact with the customer has been intensive and involves a complex result. What typically happens in these cases is that the manager or an account manager reviews the project after it is done (and depending on the duration also at regular intervals with the client) to verify if the client is satisfied and whether some things could have been done better (and to pave the way for future sales). The information from such reviews if the contract went well is typically rather vague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A problem with your current replies is that they stop your new manager from progressing into an exploration of the feedback with you. Your new manager does not know you yet and quite a few managers have been promoted/appointed on the basis of other skills than social skills. Note also that the manager gained this information second-hand (from the customer) or even third hand (via an account manager). Enter the awkward silence, he may want to talk about it further but does not want or know how to take the initiative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you dare, open it up and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but I am sure some things could have been done better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This invites him to suggest improvements based on the customer's feedback. But be prepared for a follow-up such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What would you suggest?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then you can suggest a process improvement. There is always something that can be improved in the process. Keep away from negatives and motivate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T20:55:02.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13017" CreationDate="2018-04-09T20:55:19.483" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see two ways :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Stop seeing her&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's quite a brutal way. You make yourself clear by explaining to her that you want space and cut bridges for an undetermined/short/long time. She will probably find other people. Her previous group of friends probably did this method. By telling her that she needs to let more space to her friends, she will (maybe) put herself into question regard to her behavior. You also can add that she needs to make other friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are a &quot;empathic&quot; (more than others) person it may be difficult for you, but at least the result is quite assured.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Help her to be less dependent&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is more complicated in my opinion and it takes time and energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try to hang out, do sports, play games with &lt;strong&gt;her other friends&lt;/strong&gt; and her, you may find interesting people too. With more people around, she will depend less on you. Plus in a group not always the same person could tell her that sharing all information with her parents is annoying or about another topic you pointed out. This will share the &quot;mean guy&quot; role. She will also see that not only one or two people find this annoying, and she will/may take the remarks more seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me the second approach is better in regard to who I am, and if nothing changes in a month I would use the 1st way. I also think, in any means, it's no use to lie to her. Lying will only make things harder when she finds out the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16502" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T13:03:33.583" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T13:03:33.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13025" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12965" CreationDate="2018-04-09T21:14:35.733" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From experience I can offer my perspective from the side of the older brother. Even now my younger brother tries to connect, but at this age we really chase down our dreams, especially in the position he’s in. We may have other interests and goals we work for, but the dissociation comes from them moving forward, looking at degrees, jobs, relationships all leading towards marriage and security. I doubt he would “hate” or “dislike” you for not having common goals or interests, he’s probably trying to take advantage of all the new things in his life, new abilities, opportunities and so forth. It’s hard to catch someone trying to live life, because to relax means slowing down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also provides what I feel is the best way of connecting, when they deliberately “slow down”. Like at family reunions, Christmas visits, or holidays he chose family over his other opportunities and I feel that’s the best time to capitalize on. Find what both of you can talk about, such as the future, partying, school, video games, sports, etc. Ask him for advice, or ways to tackle life. Ask him about his day, or support him as he races down life. My best connections comes from people who can listen unbiased, who I can vent to, or complain with, it’s nice having someone who will listen to you, especially with the endless things we face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: This answer is based off my experience in America. I’m not quite sure how foreign relations are. (Culture, education, family, etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6908" LastEditorUserId="6908" LastEditDate="2018-04-10T18:16:31.180" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T18:16:31.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13026" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13027" CreationDate="2018-04-09T21:15:36.337" Score="5" ViewCount="1682" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm trying to mingle with girls in my high school and I've never really done anything like it before (sounds funny but it's true). Anyway, there's a group of girls that I want to talk to but I'm not sure how to approach them. They're a pretty tightly knit group of people and I am definitely an outsider to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately I'm just looking to make friends with them. My question is how can I approach a tightly knit group of girls as a guy/outsider and start talking to them without seeming awkward and weird? And of course, as a contingency plan, what is the best thing to do if it does get awkward and weird?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for the help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16494" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T20:46:56.983" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T04:45:43.210" Title="How to approach talking to a group of girls as a guy without being awkward?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13026" CreationDate="2018-04-09T21:30:51.100" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;A male injecting himself into a group of girls and trying to join the conversation is often awkward. There is a fair chance that they are talking about &quot;girl things&quot; and you'll be seen as an outsider. You're better to look for a group that is mixed guys and girls so you're one of the guys instead of the only guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know a girl in the group, you can walk up and say something specifically to her, as if you wanted to tell her something and she just happened to be with a bunch of her friends at the time. Then if you're lucky maybe the others will continue a conversation and you can join in because you &quot;just happen to be there&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As in any conversation, if it turns out that you're an unwelcome outsider, if someone explicitly says, &quot;hey, you're not welcome here&quot; -- whether that rudely or in some more subtle and polite way -- just say &quot;oh, sorry&quot; and leave. Don't try to argue about it: there's no way you're going to argue people into being your friends. Don't make a big long excuse: nobody cares, and by making excuses you just justify them being rude to you. Just make a quick &quot;sorry&quot; and walk away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If no one tells you you're not welcome but it's apparent to you that you are, like if when you join the group suddenly everybody stops talking and is just looking around awkwardly, just say, &quot;well, gotta go&quot; or &quot;nice meeting you all&quot; or some such and leave. Again, don't drag it out into some long explanation, just one sentence and go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people are deliberately trying to be rude to you and hurt your feelings, than acting like you don't care and you aren't bothered ruins it for them. If they aren't trying to hurt your feelings but just feel awkward having you try to join this group where you don't fit, then acting like you don't care and aren't bothered makes it easier on everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And -- this is a lot easier to say than to do -- don't let it bother you if a conversation goes badly. I'm sure we've all had times when a conversation gets awkward for whatever reason and we agonize over it and feel sick about it for days ... or years. But try to just not worry about it and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T21:30:51.100" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12999" CreationDate="2018-04-09T21:48:59.163" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As others have noted, this fundamentally comes down to, &quot;thank you for your concern, but it's apparent that we don't agree and there's no point arguing about it any more&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does this friend do for fun? You say he works a lot, but does he have any hobbies? You could compare your card-playing to his hobbies. Like if he enjoys, say, playing football, you could say, &quot;What if we liked to play football, and we spent all our free time practicing football? How would it be different?&quot; Or fill in the blank, whatever he does for fun, whether it's watching TV or gourmet cooking or collecting stamps or whatever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he literally spends little or no time on anything that is just for fun, if his life is entirely about working and making money, than I'd ask him why he is working so hard to make money? What good does it do him if he never enjoys life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If his life is entirely devoted to humanitarian projects, if he's always feeding the homeless or volunteering at an orphanage or the like ... you might have a tougher time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T21:48:59.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13012" CreationDate="2018-04-09T21:56:57.420" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there are two reasonable strategies here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One: The easy strategy. As others noted, she gave you her phone number, which means she wants you to call her and ask her out. So call her and ask her out and don't mention Taylor ham. Odds are that she does not consider Taylor ham all that fascinating a subject either. It was just something to get a conversation rolling. So you got the conversation rolling. Now forget it. If you give her the idea that you are obsessed with Taylor ham, that's probably big minuses for this going anywhere, not a plus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two: The &quot;ease in&quot; strategy. Call her up and say, &quot;Hi, I'm the guy you were talking to the other day about Taylor ham. Where's the best place you know to get Taylor ham? Foobar's, you say? How about you and I go there for lunch Saturday? Yes? Then maybe afterward we can go to a movie or a concert?&quot; Etc. If you're lucky, she'll laugh at the way you smoothly transition from talking about ham to asking her on a date, and she'll say yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-04-09T21:56:57.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13032" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12025" CreationDate="2018-04-10T05:57:43.403" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key points here are extracted from &lt;a href=&quot;https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/03/supporting-trans-person-with-dysphoria/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, these are the few ways that you can support your partner: &lt;br/&gt;(These are copied from the article shared above)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Validate your partner's experience&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them how you can help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suggest distractions and activities&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give them a care package&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Encourage them to seek help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My Personal Anecdote&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although different from your question, I figured it would be relatively helpful as I dealt with a situation fairly similar to point 1, 2 and 3 above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who identifies as gay and when we were in college he broke up with his boyfriend and fell into depression. He started to feel dysphoric and said things like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why am I a guy? If I were a girl maybe it wouldn't be so hard to find a guy that truly loves me for who I am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As he was more of an introvert, trying to hold up a conversation with him or to try to recommend him to go and seek the school counselor's help always failed. Thus, instead of getting him to stop thinking those thoughts immediately, I empathized with him, and said something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand how you feel. I may not be the best at giving advice, but I am here to listen to you. Whenever you want to talk, wherever you want to talk, I am here to listen. You don't have to keep this to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't know how to help him, so I just offered a listening ear. During one of the sessions where he started to come to terms with everything that was going on, he told me that I offered him exactly what he needed; just a listening and understanding friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Throughout the whole period of time where he was a state of confusion and delirium, I brought him out to hang out with friends, go to the amusement park, play games at the internet cafe together, etc. Distracting him made him a little less bogged down by his situation. A great solution I discovered to use was to bring his mind towards the future, where I said things like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We should do this more often. How about every Saturday at 3pm, same time same place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That gave him something to look forward to, instead of constantly looking back into the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Finishing notes&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience, I think that you acknowledging your partner and providing them with insights into the future when you are doing activities with them to distract them from their dysphoria (e.g. oh, I love watching [drama on Netflix] with you. We should do this more often, say, once every other day?) are the best immediate remedies for the situation.. then, &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; you think they need it / is ready for it, then you can suggest seeking help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T05:57:43.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12025" CreationDate="2018-04-10T08:52:02.950" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I cannot claim any special knowledge here, beyond learning from friends' and Internet strangers' experiences and a passing knowledge of psychology research.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Building on enlighten_me's answer, I'll first point out that &lt;a href=&quot;https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/03/supporting-trans-person-with-dysphoria/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;the article they linked to, 5 Ways to Support a Trans Person Experiencing Body Dysphoria,&lt;/a&gt; suggests:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It’s best to ask folks what they need when they’re experiencing dysphoria. It’s as simple as saying, “How can I help right now?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a lot that your partner feels is out of their control and not what they want, so you may be able to give them some agency by &lt;strong&gt;reminding them that what they want matters&lt;/strong&gt; and that you want to help them achieve what they want (barring harmful urges, of course). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, they may not always see practical, helpful actions in front of them, especially if they're overwhelmed and depressed. Hopefully you can suss out whether they would like you to emphasize or de-emphasize gender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are well-positioned to &lt;strong&gt;affirm your partner's gender&lt;/strong&gt;, whatever gender they are currently feeling. You understand them deeply and have a relationship of trust; you can interact in private; and they can probably explain or express their current gender and/or dysphoria in shorthand or symbols (e.g. wearing by a certain bracelet, as someone mentioned in the gender-fluid wiki in your question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can affirm your partner in the gender they are feeling, in terms you know they like.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can express the things you like about them that highlight that gender presentation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can draw them away from mirrors and into expressing that gender. E.g., applying nail polish or polishing men's dress shoes are both gender-coded things that help one present oneself more spiffily but that do not require looking in the mirror to do. They're also active, rather than ruminative, and so they may help. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also be able to &lt;strong&gt;provide them a respite from defining and performing gender&lt;/strong&gt;. You and your partner have a romantic/sexual/soulmate/??? bond, and you can embrace and care about them as a person, not a [particular gender] person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Again, is there a way to get your partner away from a mirror and using their body without gender triggers? Sculpting, playing with a pet, both of you tackling household chores...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you have a nickname or term of endearment for your partner that they like across gender identities? Like their first initial, their last name, &quot;Hon,&quot; &quot;Dear,&quot; or &quot;Champ&quot;? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You probably share a lot of values that transcend gender. &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Self-affirmations of values help in a lot of situations where a person (or their identity) fields threatened (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/blogs/secretlife/blogposts/the-science-of-smart-the-power-of-affirming-your-values/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;blog post summary&lt;/a&gt;). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There may be couples-counseling resources that could remind you both of these values. (A quick search points to &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/B00ORTWMY2&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this book&lt;/a&gt;, although I cannot vouch for it.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Above all, each of us has an identity (and inherent worthiness) that goes beyond a single trait.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, you may want to think about how your partner reacts to your gender expression when they're in various places gender-wise. It does not mean you should curtail how you express yourself, but it possibly could help you provide more physical space or choose to sit side-by-side with a shared focus on, say, the TV or the cooking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T08:52:02.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12025" CreationDate="2018-04-10T09:09:54.557" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;To really show your support for your partner, it would be beneficial to &lt;strong&gt;be proactive&lt;/strong&gt; and not simply responsive in your support. Do your own research into trans and gender-fluid experiences, talk to other trans people and their partners who have been through similar situations and seek their advice. Look up resources for partners, friends and family of trans people and educate yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to demonstrate supportiveness is to be the one to approach them and offer it; the difference between opening your arms for someone in need and being the one to suggest an embrace when they need it (but may not be able to ask for it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could ask (if you've not discussed it or if they've not gone through with it yet) if they have any desire to pursue some form of medical or physical transition, hormone therapy, surgery, voice therapy, etc. - and offer to support them and help them through it if they like. If they don't, reaffirm that their identity remains valid no matter what options they do or do not pursue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be ready to stand up for them when they can't or don't want to; society is not kind to trans people and it may wear down even the thickest of skin over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of all care for them and be kind and sympathetic, don't patronise them, but be aware they are among the most vulnerable of demographics currently and have certain needs. If you can inform yourself of those needs ahead of time and be ready for them you'll show you're a trustworthy and reliable person who isn't just there for your partner as a passive entity but actively goes out of your way to pursue your shared happiness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15610" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T09:09:54.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12999" CreationDate="2018-04-10T13:32:44.383" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read this parable a few years ago and I think it sums up your conversation perfectly. it is a funny story that explains why rush when you are happy. I suggest you get Bob to read it (unless you are good at story telling)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is the introduction&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.  Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.  The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Mexican replied, “only a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://bemorewithless.com/the-story-of-the-mexican-fisherman&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;mexican fisherman story&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T13:32:44.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13041" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13044" CreationDate="2018-04-10T14:54:05.977" Score="88" ViewCount="26196" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have recently purchased a new home and have moved into a neighborhood. I would like to introduce myself to my immediate neighbors and offer them my telephone number in case there is an emergency or if they have a complaint they can contact me without trying to have to see if I am home. The problem is that most of my neighbors appear to be of the opposite gender (I'm male) and that giving out a phone number is an uncommon thing to do. I would like to ensure that when offering these particular neighbors my phone number it is not interpreted as being anything more than &amp;quot;just being a friendly neighbor&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is: How can I give out my telephone number without someone misinterpreting it as being more than friendly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am in a medium sized city (&amp;lt;50,000 people) in the midwest region of the United States.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I personally don't have any other reason for being concerned besides &amp;quot;You never know what might happen&amp;quot;. Fortunately nothing particularly bad has happened to me personally but it does happen to others. You just never know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user15922" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T00:36:01.900" Title="How can I give out my telephone number to my neighbors without implying anything?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13043" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13041" CreationDate="2018-04-10T15:10:33.143" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a fine line to be drawn here for more reasons than this.  At my last house, the neighbor seemed really friendly at first.  We decided that we didn't know her so kept our distance and it turned out that she was really intrusive, monitoring the neighborhood and calling everything conceivable into the city/police/etc.  She relied on the previous occupants to be her own (free) taxi service.  Had we not been careful, we would have wound up in a similar relationship.  Because of this, I'm kind of suspicious of people who start off too &quot;strongly&quot; as neighbors and wanting to become friendly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't give everyone my phone number immediately.  I'd suggest getting to know the neighbors first and giving them the chance to get to know you.  That will seem less forward and may also help you avoid painting yourself as overly dependent or desperate (like my last neighbor).  I'm not saying that you should be best friends, but establishing the relationship first and then providing contact info seems to me to be a less risky path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say that, once you have met the neighbors, give them your number when they might have a reason to contact you.  &quot;Hey, I'm heading out for the weekend.  The alarm will be turned on - can I give you my phone number in case something happens?  I'm not expecting any packages, buyers from Craigslist, or other traffic to stop by so it should be pretty uneventful.&quot;  Then you're asking for something specific for a defined period of time.  And after that period of time is done, they'll have your number.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T15:10:33.143" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13041" CreationDate="2018-04-10T15:35:27.190" Score="168" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm female, so I don't have a lot of the concerns you would have, necessarily... or a different set of concerns, but the solution I would personally accept if a guy moved in next door to me would be to get a small business card-like piece of paper that I could put on my fridge or enter into my phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The piece of paper should be formatted and printed in a neat way. This shows that you're prepared and have thought this through and this isn't a pickup sort of thing, you want me to have your info (name/phone number/email) but aren't asking me to add it to my phone directly - you're letting me pick how I (or even if I) retain that information. You've even got several of them at hand so it's clear that you're handing them out to all of your neighbors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you introduce yourself, be open, friendly and explain yourself and why you're reaching out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you have a loud hobby that you can blame, use it. For example, if you've got a garage band or if you like having parties at your place... or if you like mowing your lawn or blowing leaves at 3 am, emphasize that you'd really appreciate them letting you know if you're ever being too loud or disturbing them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you go out of town periodically, you can mention that you'd really appreciate if they would call you if they see anything fishy going on.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is to recognize that if they seem uninterested in taking your card (or just your number), be OK with that. Graciously say that you're glad to meet them and if they change their mind, feel free to knock on your door and you'll give it to them at that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, I think this is a non-issue. While it's less common for new neighbors to introduce themselves (we don't know many of the people who live near us well), it's not unheard of, so you should be OK doing so if you do it with respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T15:35:27.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13041" CreationDate="2018-04-10T16:03:01.587" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;Similar to the answer @Bilkokuya posted, the most important thing to stress here is that the number is for &lt;em&gt;emergencies&lt;/em&gt;, and that you are not just providing your phone number to that particular resident, but to each of your &quot;immediate neighbors&quot;. Including the other neighbors will make it clear that this is not an attempt to target that specific person, which should alleviate any potential feelings of a romantic advance they might have otherwise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, My name is IceC and I just moved in over at Address. I thought it would be nice if I went around and introduced myself to my new neighbors! I just talked with Neighbor B and Neighbor C, and I gave them my phone number in case any emergencies or other situations arise that you need to get a hold of me quickly. I would like to offer this to you as well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if this is the first neighbor you are contacting&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, My name is IceC and I just moved in over at Address. I thought it would be nice if I went around and introduced myself to my new neighbors! I would like to offer you my phone number in case any emergencies or other situations arise that you need to get a hold of me quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then after their response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to offer my number to the other neighbors as well. Do you by chance know who lives at Address B and Address C? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making the boundaries to your neighbors clear up front that &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; phone number is not for casual conversation will leave the impression that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you are also&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; not going to attempt to engage your neighbor in unwanted casual conversation or advances with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you can loosen the restrictions on phone communication after you get to know your neighbors well as some other answers suggest, but that can always come &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; a good relationship is formed with your neighbors. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T16:03:01.587" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13017" CreationDate="2018-04-10T18:28:38.663" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that Amy doesn't have proper boundaries.  There are two options: set the boundaries firmly and retreat as she respects them, or start small and increase them in response to issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, since she apparently has issues with boundaries, I'd start with firm boundaries and relax them.  Steadily increasing them can be seen as a sign on inconsistency or flexibility on your part and may lead to her believing that they won't always be that strict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have decided on what to do, it's time to do it.  Ensure that you and your friend are &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; on the same page and then have the discussion with Amy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Amy, it appears that we're at different places in our relationship.  We understand that you need closeness; we aren't in a position to provide all of the closeness that you want.  When you wait for us for a long time - think how that would look if a guy did that for you.  What would you think of him?  And if a boyfriend got mad at you for going somewhere without you once, what would you think of that?  Now... what's the difference?  Can you see how that makes us uncomfortable?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if she replies that she'd like that and that it shows how committed someone is, you've got a whole different problem.  I suspect that most people would find that behavior creepy and off-putting; use that to help her understand the boundaries you expect.  You want to make this point: you want to remain friends but you need to be able to choose to spend time with her, not have her pursuing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There needs to be consequences for violating those boundaries.  &quot;Amy, we've talked about waiting for us by the bikes.  This makes me really uncomfortable, knowing that you've been here for a couple hours, waiting for me.  I'm not joining you and I'm not inviting you to join me this time.&quot;  &quot;We've explained that we can't be at the birthday party.  I'm sorry you cancelled yours; we've explained that we can't make it and this was your decision&quot; &quot;I understand you're upset that we didn't include you when we hung out; that was a decision we made.  If you are going to be upset, I'm going to re-engage when things calm down&quot;.  It's only when this behavior stops achieving its intended result that it will stand a chance of changing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T18:28:38.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12025" CreationDate="2018-04-10T19:08:49.907" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a transwoman, I have plenty of experience with dysphoria, but I can only imagine what is like to be gender-fluid, shifting back from one gender identity to another over time and circumstances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, the most important thing you as a partner can do is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Affirm your partners gender whatever it is at the time&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This harder than it sounds because it is preferred that all possible genders get a fair share of appreciation and affirmation. Also, you are the person that they wake up next to in the morning and you must intuit, possibly based on non verbal cues such as facial and body posture, what the gender of the day is before they have had time to work on their gender expression. It helps tremendously when there is at least one person who gets it right most of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Work with them on their gender expression&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social dysphoria results from social interactions where people treat you differently from the way you are at the time. This is unfortunate because most people will be unable to guess unless you look and act the part, especially when the current gender does not match your partners physique. Get a big wardrobe and fill it with clothes that allow them to choose to wear something that fits the current gender identity, not just the dominant one. As a partner help picking out stuff, but be honest and say it if it does not suit them. Compliment them on their attire in a gender affirming manner (e.g. 'sharp threads, dude' or 'you look lovely in that dress'). Occasionally, give feedback on mannerisms (e.g. 'if you curve your hand like that it looks quite feminine but if you hold it straight it looks more manly')&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell them that you love them no matter what gender they are&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This hardly needs explanation except that this goes for intimate moments and sex too. And from my experience this is where the body dysphoria can kick in big time. Talk about this with them and really listen to their body reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Discuss physical changes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Body dysphoria is caused by the physiology of the body not matching the identity. It kicks in when you look in the mirror or when you touch yourself or are touched by someone else especially in the genital areas, but also the face. It is also tied to some physiological functions. Imagine how frustrating it can be for an AFAB to identify as masculine and have your menses at the same time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cosmetic changes can help reduce some of that, e.g. tucking for AMABs and binders for AFABs, hairstyle, makeup or lack thereof and so on. I certainly feel less dysphoric after applying makeup but this is also a matter of personal preference and cultural background, not everyone is the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But sometimes it is not enough and some more permanent changes are called for. These can range from permanent facial hair removal, partial Hormone Replacement Therapy to operations such as plastic surgery. You, as a partner, can be open to discuss these options and assist in finding medical professional help. Keep in mind that these changes are permanent and should be such that such procedures make it easier to shift. Medical treatment for gender-fluids with severe body dysphoria is still in its infancy, however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't lose yourself&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make them your project. You are a person, they are a person, you are equals. Live it together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastActivityDate="2018-04-10T19:08:49.907" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12983" CreationDate="2018-04-11T00:26:54.573" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Others have talked about keeping up with the news to get in on their conversations, but I want to expand on that, explaining how and why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Link Between Politics and News&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Political discussions are (often) about empirical facts and what's practically possible and current events. (Sometimes the discussions are about political philosophy and how the world should be, and even following current events will help with that in the long run, since opinion pages often discuss current events in light of underlying political philosophy. Peufeu's list of books addresses the political philosophy side, although you might want to see if you can find an undergrad textbook on political philosophy before reading the primary source material, so you can see how different ideas are in conversation with each other.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Information Sources&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest &lt;strong&gt;asking people in the group where they like to get their news.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, in addition to their favorites, I'd suggest skimming a few well-accepted news sources. The following list is based on being an English speaker in the U.S., but:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://theweek.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Week Magazine&lt;/a&gt; (nice summaries of important news--often samples from the sources below)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;New York Times&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Washington Post&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wall Street Journal&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The Economist&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;BBC News&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The Guardian&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Al Jazeera News&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're a scientist, maybe add in something like Gizmodo or Wired or Ars Technica.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You could set these sources as preferences on a newsfeed app, and you'll get a mix of articles. Don't start out by expecting to thoroughly read through even one of these every week.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And/or try to watch Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, Trevor Noah, Samantha Bee, et al. as they talk about politics on their TV shows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Topic Areas&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps at first, try to focus on one or two current political topics. In America, a current one might be: What are tariffs and economic sanctions, and what happens when they are used? Another: What is &quot;gun control&quot; and what values and legal arguments are invoked by each side? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a while, you'll see that many news stories keep repeating similar background (though maybe the slant and substance of that background is different across various news sources). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask About Current Events&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bonus of reading the news is that it's currently unfolding. So even if you know less about politics so far than the others, you could still contribute by bringing up current events, or nod when someone else talks about something you've heard about. You could ask questions like, &quot;I'm trying to understand tariffs and I just read that [news update about tariff proposal]. Do you think that proposal is likely to happen? Who do you think would be the winners and the losers if that does go through?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T00:26:54.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13041" CreationDate="2018-04-11T04:10:29.200" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Oh jeez, I wish this were standard practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m a woman, and on this past New Year’s Eve, I wanted to wish the nice old lady next door a happy new year, as she might be lonely.  But I was scared to knock on her door, because she might have gone to sleep early.  I so wished I could just send her a text so that I could check whether she was awake before storming over there and frightening her with a midnight caller.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone should share some contact details with their neighbours.  It’s just civilised.  If you were my neighbour, I wouldn’t care that you’re a single man.  I would expect you to come to my door, without having seen me, already holding your business card.  You’d then introduce yourself, and hand me your card, saying ‘Here’s my email and stuff, just in case you see my house burning down or something.’  Since you were planning to give me the card before you saw that I was a young woman, I wouldn’t take it as a come-on.  And wouldn’t be so awful if a nice, polite, new gentleman in the neighbourhood were interested in me anyway!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16580" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T04:10:29.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13060" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13041" CreationDate="2018-04-11T08:10:19.460" Score="3" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Make your number visible at entry point. Let the neighbors know it is there.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Then tell your neighbors your are giving it to them if there's something, but they can also find it at your gate. (This point makes the thing less personal.) You can also make a notion you are willing to write down their number, if they want.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt; &lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Details:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put your phone number under your name to your doorbell (or mailbox or gate handle) or at another obvious entrance point to your property. This will help not only your neighbors, but anyone who will really need to contact you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, besides giving your number to your neighbors, just let your neighbors know it is also there. This works better than just giving the number directly, because from their family, someone will have your number, someone won't, they can lose it etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, this is very practical, it helped me in several cases. Once my neighbors were able to contact me in emergency and my early return prevented large damages. Think like someone standing at your gate with important message for you. Would you put your (mobile) number at their eyesight when they want to contact you? From my experience, benefits outweigh potential abuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE: commenters think about the phone number like of private thing, but phone numbers are typically not marked as private, but they are published in phone books and service directories with your name (and address) as soon as you obtain a number. So keeping the number away is not something what stops determined criminals to pretend they are doing delivery service, checking your presence by a phone call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1778" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T15:13:34.553" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13041" CreationDate="2018-04-11T09:32:36.560" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short and sweet:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to [...] offer them my telephone number in case there is an emergency&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, ring their bell, introduce yourself as usual, hand them a pre-printed piece of paper with your name, address (so they remember that you are living next to them) and phone number and then say...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;May I give you my telephone number in case there is an emergency&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a mobile phone number, then put that one first and in bold (maybe with your landline second). Having only your landline wouldn't help them much (if you are in your house, then they could just ring the bell in case of an emergency anyways...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will pin that piece of paper to whatever whiteboard etc. they are using to keep such scribbles, and forget about it; I couldn't imagine that they find it weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T09:32:36.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12841" CreationDate="2018-04-11T11:04:20.057" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speaking from recurring experience, your problem seems like two problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) You tend to abstract. Your wife does not. Both is ok. The latter however is more common. That is why most people do marry. And a lot of them fail eventually. For most people a problem either is concrete or does not exist. My suggestion is to not to try to convince your wife of the theoretical nature of your statement. Instead, take her serious on the level that she is comfortable and just do not go further than that. Take your abstraction needs to places where they work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Your wife is insecure either by nature or just right now being triggered by whatever you did or missed to do. This aspect of your situation has been addressed quite well in other answers, the one from Craig.Feied being my favourite. Actually the answer of Link0352 is my favourite, but I must advise against that approach for reasons stated in 1).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16558" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T11:04:20.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13064" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13067" CreationDate="2018-04-11T11:28:10.047" Score="34" ViewCount="9255" Body="&lt;p&gt;For most of my life, I have had problems keeping up with eating &quot;normal&quot; amounts of food at meals. I feel full way faster than many friends. I still eat enough, as I am not even considered underweight by official definition (it's close, though). I feel fine and healthy, and I have come to terms with the fact that I can't eat much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is that every now and then, people are very concerned by my eating habits and think that it can't be healthy. They (mostly coworkers, new friends. Not family) seem to take pity on me and I can't convince them that I am fine and there is nothing to worry about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once a coworker brought some muffins to work and especially for me he also brought a vegetable dip because he thought I wasn't able to eat a whole muffin (or eat normal lunch afterwards). Now don't get me wrong, I think that was very nice and accommodating of him. But 1) I would have loved a muffin and 2) I don't want anyone to go through extra troubles like this for me. I felt pressured to take some dips. &lt;sub&gt;the question is not about this anecdote. this is only an example&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I be more persuasive when assuring people that I am perfectly fine and healthy, and that they do not need to worry?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;goal:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;coworkers / friends understand that I am eating &lt;em&gt;enough&lt;/em&gt;, am healthy, and do in no way suffer. They do not take pity on me because they think I have some severe eating disorder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I've tried so far:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain the situation when I leave food on the plate, and also&#xA;stating that all is fine and there is no need to worry. This works&#xA;for some people, but many do not really believe me when I say that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make jokes about it. My friends, family and myself sometimes joke about it, and I am totally fine with that. When someone makes a joke&#xA;about it, it shows that they are not &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; worried about my&#xA;eating. In the end, this is what I try to achieve.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Repeatedly reassuring them that I am fine. This works after some iterations, but I would prefer to convince them at the first interaction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;further information:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- I am a 26 year old male, living in Switzerland&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- I do not know exactly why I can't eat so much. I was tested for several food intolerances, all tests were negative.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- I am not looking for medical advice, leave this to me and my doctor.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- My BMI is 19 (a BMI under 18.5 is considered underweight). I do not know my RMR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="356" LastEditDate="2018-04-11T14:48:43.003" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T17:41:45.573" Title="How can I be more persuasive when assuring people that I am perfectly fine and healthy?" Tags="&lt;approach&gt;&lt;eating&gt;&lt;switzerland&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;&lt;persuasion&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13064" CreationDate="2018-04-11T11:58:44.587" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, it's very nice of them to be worried about your health. They seem to be very nice people. In my opinion, all your approaches are fine and I'd say that you should try your second approach more. They won't worry about it anymore after sometime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have an impression of eating a lot, but ever since I started to control my diet, people think that I have some problem, while I don't. So, my situation is kinda similar to yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, whenever asks me for more food to take, I usually reply with,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but this is all I can take. I am already full.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, when they ask me if I got some health relatd problem, I reply with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but you got nothing to worry about. I am all fine and healthy (point toward my upper arm (flexed) as a joke).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will have to continue to do so. After a while, they form an opinion that you are fit and can eat only that amount of food. The thing is many people are convinced at first (as they did in my case like my sister-in-laws and colleagues), but you have to repeat it for some (like my mother, aunts and a few friends). Therefore, keep patience and iterate the approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also like to mention a non-IPS idea that you should take food in quantity you can consume and eat a little slowly. So, you can finish it at the same (approximately) time your friends do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-11T13:07:18.017" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T13:07:18.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13066" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-11T12:17:36.323" Score="-1" ViewCount="501" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friendly, close relationship with these professors - we are research collaborators and communicate daily.  Our communication scope on emails is never personal, it's &lt;em&gt;strictly&lt;/em&gt; about research progress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I notice that when math and physics professors send me emails that start with the greeting &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi D.Hutchinson!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;such emails evoke happy feelings and enthusiasm, rather than the more formal &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear D.Hutchinson,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is the usage of exclamation points in email greetings, in academic settings, appropriate to use, &lt;strong&gt;if I am not in a position of authority&lt;/strong&gt;, e.g. I am not the professor responding to a student's email regarding research progress?  For example, would saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Professor Thompson!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;be considered appropriate etiquette?  Or does it risk sounding unprofessional?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The goal is to sound more upbeat and to convey enthusiasm&lt;/strong&gt;, when replying to professors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I've never used exclamation points for email greetings in any professional settings before, but I would like to do so and match the enthusiasm of the professors.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the culture matters, I would like to restrict this question to the United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10454" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T15:33:00.847" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T15:33:00.847" Title="Etiquette question regarding conveying enthusiasm in email communications - used in academic settings" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13064" CreationDate="2018-04-11T12:27:42.563" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have dealt with almost exactly the same things throughout my life, although in my case it was not limited to &quot;new&quot; people. Family members, significant others, and friends have become worried about my food intake despite me maintaining what would be considered a &quot;healthy&quot; weight, and so I had to take steps to explain to them that I was, in fact, being healthy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that I found which was very effective in helping people understand that my food intake was actually healthy was discussing &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/calrmr.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Resting metabolic rate&lt;/a&gt; (RMR). Basically, this is the rate at which your body passively burns calories throughout the day. There is a simple calculator in the link I sent you to get a rough idea of your RMR, but you can also consult your doctor to get a better idea of what your specific RMR is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One method of allaying someones concerns might be: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey cowowrker, I appreciate your concern for my health! I actually spoke with my doctor and I happen to have a resting metabolic rate of 1400, which means I only need to consume 1400 calories in order to maintain my current weight, so I try to stay near that number.  Lucky me, I get to save a lot of money on groceries per month and I still enjoy everything I eat!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, once people see that you have taken steps to research your health and are actively pursuing medical advice they will leave you alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;another unasked for non-interpersonal solution:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As indicated in the article I linked you, the number one determining factor of RMR is fat-free mass (i.e. muscle). If you decide you are not happy with your caloric consumption, lifting weights 2-3 days a week will increase your RMR and therefore appetite.  This was ultimately the solution I pursued because I got tired of constantly explaining my lack of appetite to every person I met (and a few select people who knew me for a long time, but couldn't let it go.) It sounds like this may not be the case with you, as many of your friends and family seem very supportive and understanding, but I thought I would include this personal experience in case it helps someone else who might read this answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T12:27:42.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13066" CreationDate="2018-04-11T12:31:26.230" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The exclamation point is used for exciting news, like &amp;quot;we won!&amp;quot;. In your case, it seems that they might be excited to reply to you ;-).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, whatever you reply with, use exclamation points sparingly in cases when you have to tell something exciting, but not in the greeting of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'd suggest that you keep greetings professional (since you're talking to your professors) like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi, Professor Thompson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi, Professor Thompson:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From this &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/email-salutations-formal-informal-comma-colon-kathleen-a-watson&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;LinkedIn Blog&lt;/a&gt;,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your email has a formal tone, use Dear and a colon at the end your email salutation. Dear Ms. Watson:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your email has an informal tone, &lt;strong&gt;insert a comma between the greeting and the name, and use either a comma or a period at the end of the greeting.&lt;/strong&gt; Hello, Kathy, (followed by your message) or Hi, Kathy. (followed by your message).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://blog.hubspot.com/sales/email-etiquette-tips-rules&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Hubspot article&lt;/a&gt;,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few different ways to punctuate your salutation (the first line of your email where you address the recipient by name).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it’s a formal email, use a colon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dear Ms. Frost:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it’s a relatively casual email, use a comma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dear Aja,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many other articles also don't suggest to use exclamation point in greeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T12:46:39.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13066" CreationDate="2018-04-11T12:34:03.950" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is from a german / european perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, it is not. If you're communicating with professors, you're aiming for your email to be professional. That generally means:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Using the appropriate honorifics, e.g:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello Professor Thompson,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoiding extraneous or unintended formatting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keeping your email concise and to the point&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not being overly personable&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The standard formatting for this is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Hello / Greetings] [Title] [Last Name],&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has been the standard I've experienced so far in all forms of professional email conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T12:34:03.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13070" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13094" CreationDate="2018-04-11T13:43:00.110" Score="3" ViewCount="442" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Initial question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my first work, I recently moved from the town I studied in. As I currently don't know many people of my age in my new town, I joined a group on a social network where new inhabitants can post to find new acquaintances, usually including age, hobbies and so on in the description. Recently, I stumbled upon the post of a person with similar hobbies, so I wrote to her: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you're interested, we could meet in the upcoming days&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to which she replied &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sounds great! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following up her message, I said that the current week is very busy for me, so I would prefer to meet the next week or weekend and asked when she would have time for this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This conversation happened 48 hours ago, and the network messaging system is conveniently telling me that she saw message almost instantly, but I still have no answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want is to make sure that it is normal to take her this long, or if not, &lt;strong&gt;how I can resume the conversation with her&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks in advance for tips - I am not the greatest at interpersonal stuff, that is why I ask here (and why I want new acquaintances in the first place!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Edit&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have decided that I want to push further, as even more time has passed now, i.e. I want to &lt;strong&gt;reinitiate the conversation&lt;/strong&gt; with her. I am troubled by her stopping answering me all of a sudden and I would like to meet and get acquainted with her, but I don't know how to tell her this. I do not want to sound harsh or pushy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I do/say in attempt to reinitiate the conversation with her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;A few additional information about me: I live in Germany and am in my mid-twenties.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16606" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T07:36:33.537" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T11:57:05.327" Title="How to reinitiate conversations online with stranger taking long to answer my mail" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13071" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13105" CreationDate="2018-04-11T14:18:44.623" Score="69" ViewCount="20797" Body="&lt;p&gt;Now this is a sensitive topic, and I do not wish to offend anyone's sensibilities - but at the same time, I want to know of an effective way of dealing with the disproportionate emotional work required of me, as a black male living in a white majority country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have experienced that &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Why_I%E2%80%99m_No_Longer_Talking_to_White_People_About_Race&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;talking about racism and race issues with white people can be particularly emotionally draining and frustrating&lt;/a&gt;, because of the constant defensiveness, deflections, &quot;tonal&quot; arguments and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;gaslighting&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer not to discuss race issues with white acquaintances, because in some respects we live parallel lives, and humans have a tendency of not seeing (or trivialising/being dismissive of) things that don't affect them directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the years, I have become fed up with these kind of issues. I do understand that some white people do really want to understand and be part of the solution. However, I don't feel it's my duty to do the emotional work of unpackaging these issues (some of which may involve reliving  personal instances of humiliation etc), especially when the &quot;listener&quot; can decide to walk away at any time and ignore it all, since they may have no &quot;skin in the game&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would like to know how to POLITELY, RESPECTFULLY BUT FIRMLY, deal with any attempts by white people to engage with me on discussing issues involving race without taking on the emotional burden of explaining things and WITHOUT sounding bitter, resentful or fedup.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16607" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-04-14T12:37:05.113" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T18:25:54.763" Title="How to politely deal with white people wanting to talk to me about racism/race issues" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13064" CreationDate="2018-04-11T15:20:23.090" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't over-explain or discuss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm fine with a muffin, thanks for bringing them in.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come up with a simple phrase, maybe:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My doctor is happy with my weight&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat, repeat, repeat. Make it boring. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I appreciate your concern, but my doctor is happy with my weight.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shuts down conversation really quick when they realize they're not going to get any more out of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to &quot;JADE&quot; (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain). Hard to get out of this habit, but worth practicing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks for asking, but my doctor is happy with my weight.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this doesn't have to be &lt;em&gt;strictly&lt;/em&gt; true, maybe the (longer) truth that you keep to yourself is that &lt;em&gt;you are actively working with your doctor on this, and still investigating options A, B, and C&lt;/em&gt;, but other people don't need to know that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't like that exact phrasing, maybe something even more vague, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My eating habits are between my doctor and I.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or perhaps a little less aggressive, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm following my doctor's instructions.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4090" LastEditorUserId="4090" LastEditDate="2018-04-11T18:24:45.377" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T18:24:45.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13071" CreationDate="2018-04-11T15:21:48.203" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your goal is to not upset people then try to treat it like any other request that you don't have the time or bandwidth to deal with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them &quot;I don't have the time to have a long conversation explaining this to you right now.&quot; I use similar statements when rebuffing requests from everyone from relatives to coworkers when they are asking things of me that I don't have the time to deal with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your reasoning for not wanting to explain something is less to do with not having the time and more because of the complicated nature of the subject. Tell them &quot;This is a complicated subject, I don't want to go there with you right now.&quot; Making the obstacles to you explaining it to them internal makes it harder for people to try to argue around your resistance with telling them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-04-11T15:29:15.710" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T15:29:15.710" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12965" CreationDate="2018-04-11T16:12:25.187" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you guys meet, make sure that you tell him &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; how you feel: undershadowed, inferior to him (or however you want to word it, but be very &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; clear that you &lt;em&gt;don't like the way you feel&lt;/em&gt;) and tell him that you want to make your relationship more better. Unless your brother is absolutely nuts, he will understand and you'll be closer siblings, although with a few quirks. You'll eventually find something that you both like. If nothing else, at least you'll both find something the you &lt;em&gt;don't like&lt;/em&gt;, and criticise it together :).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Longer answer&lt;/strong&gt; (with my &lt;em&gt;mirror experience&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From her childhood, my sister always thought was in the same position with me as you are now with your brother.&#xA;I think I can say that I've been where you are. Moreover, I'm Indian too...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we both were little, my sister always found studying hard. She wasn't exactly the star student my parents wanted her to be. She wasn't good at making friends either, and never listened to our parents. On the other hand, I was a good student, and had plenty of friends, and basically listened to everything our parents told me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result of this, my sister always considered me a rival she had to somehow overcome. I never thought of her like that, and loved her wanted her to love me back as a brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day, we both had a huge fight, and she told me that she hated me more than anyone else (this was when she was 13 and I was 17). After this, I decided to make things right between us, by asking her how she truly felt about me. After lots of prying, she told me that she always saw me as the perfect child our parents loved more than her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point, I was totally amazed, as I had never put myself in her shoes and thought of how she saw me and how the rest of the world compared her to me. I told her that no matter how much the entire world compares you to me, I will love you always. I told her that these comparisons are not what matters in life, it is the feelings that you have for them. If you start ignoring these comparisons, people will stop comparing you too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your brother is anything like me, he loves you deep down in his heart. He just won't show it now as he's probably never seen you trying to show him the same feelings, or he doesn't know how you feel. The fact that he lives abroad and is still asking you about your future plans shows that he truly cares for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T16:12:25.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13071" CreationDate="2018-04-11T17:18:32.090" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that motivations for not wanting to engage are not as important as the overall desire to engage or not.  If someone wanted to ask me questions about something that I didn't want to talk about, I'd respond with &quot;Thanks for asking; I don't discuss that with others.&quot;  When I say that, I smile and try to be as gracious as possible.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that the response of &quot;I don't do [X]&quot; is not argumentative and doesn't give anything to debate. If someone asks why I don't, I'll respond with a simple &quot;I choose not to&quot; and if they get insistent, I say &quot;Suppose I explain why.  How will that change the fact that I don't discuss this?&quot;  That makes it plain that I'm not interested and it would be a long process with an unchanged ending, so we can all save ourselves a lot of trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that the whole point is to simply not engage, this (I think) will be the least frustrating.  It is for me and changes the focus of the discussion from &quot;why I don't do this&quot; to &quot;whether I would do this&quot;.  It prevents my emotions from rising relative to something painful and allows me to focus on something other than the situation that causes me to not want to talk about something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T17:18:32.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13064" CreationDate="2018-04-11T17:35:42.243" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Aside from my own special eating habits, I know one colleague who is just like you: eating normally but always staying on the very light side. He is active (trekking/skiing, including week-long trips on 6000m mountains...), but even when he does not do sports, he does not gain weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first, I thought he had problems, but then I noticed that a) he eats just normal during lunch, and b) he eats &quot;unhealthy&quot; stuff just fine, i.e., cakes and such. I know him well in the meantime, we talk about this (I'm pretty envious of him ;) ), and he usually tells it just matter-of-factly &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't need more calories, and could not gain weight even if I eat much more. I'm having an active eye on not becoming too light, don't worry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a joy seeing him enjoy cakes and such, because of the fact that he never has to worry about gaining too much weight! (Which obviously is a fallacy because he indeed has to worry about getting too lean to do his sport meaningfully - he would need more fat reserves for long treks, which he has a very hard time building up.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your example with the muffin, I would have made it a point to grab ... one of the muffins, and enjoy it muchly, especially in the face of overweight colleagues who can only eat them with much remorse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2018-04-11T19:47:16.700" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T19:47:16.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13071" CreationDate="2018-04-11T17:51:23.270" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't really say that I &quot;know how you feel&quot; my experience is different, but it's somewhat similar. I'm a queer person, and being publicly &quot;out&quot; I often get put in the position of playing spokesperson and have to explain things to straight people. And that's admittedly frustrating, particularly when the questions are more of a facade used to proclaim innocence...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lots of people really don't &quot;know better&quot; and I usually try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I try to be calm, I try to be nice, but at a point I definitely want to say &quot;UGHHH STRAIGHT PEOPLE! Just Google it!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What seems to work a lot of the time is just being honest with them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't mind having a respectful conversation about this stuff, but I have my limits. If you're honestly just curious about the subject I don't mind answering questions, but please be aware of how personal some of these questions really are...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sets the stage for a hopefully productive conversation, and if it starts to go off the rails, I can step away without too much fuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're flatly not interested in having these conversations, with an uneducated conversation partner, you can absolutely say that too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I usually find these conversations too taxing. If you're really interested, you can find some pretty good info on X, Y, and Z. If you still have questions after doing some research on your own, feel free to hit me up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that it helps to assume that people are well meaning, even if they're a little ignorant. I know that in itself becomes taxing. An awful lot of people aren't really well meaning, and extending the benefit of the doubt becomes really exhausting, but it helps. Treating people like horrible, hateful bigots straight out the gate can become a self fulfilling prophecy. When approached that way, people get defensive and often start to behave poorly in response...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T15:17:04.937" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T15:17:04.937" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13071" CreationDate="2018-04-11T18:42:32.470" Score="110" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been the white person in that situation, and probably more blundering than I want to admit.  I have friends who are black, gay, and transgender, and all of them have had to deal with clueless majority people expecting them to be always-on ambassadors for their groups.  It's exhausting.  (As a member of a minority religion I get some of this from your side, but not nearly as much as I've seen others get.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen my friends use two types of responses, depending on how well they know the person.  For acquaintances, they say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I try to avoid discussions about that.  I know you mean well, but I get this a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; and it can be pretty draining for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explaining the negative effect &lt;em&gt;on you&lt;/em&gt; signals to a polite person to change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person says something about wanting &lt;em&gt;to learn&lt;/em&gt; rather than wanting to &lt;em&gt;have a discussion&lt;/em&gt; (which could easily turn into a debate), you can suggest other resources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For closer friends -- and I've been on the receiving end of this -- they elaborate on the &quot;draining&quot; part.  A black friend once explained the discomfort of being in a white-majority environment with casual racism (you know, the suspicious look, holding the purse more closely, crossing the street quickly, that sort of thing) by comparing it to some experiences we'd both had as women in the professional workplace.  A transgender friend explained the discomfort of having her &lt;em&gt;entire community&lt;/em&gt; judged and scrutinized based on what &lt;em&gt;one person&lt;/em&gt; says; she can only talk about &lt;em&gt;herself&lt;/em&gt;, not &lt;em&gt;transgender people in general&lt;/em&gt;, but she's had trouble communicating that so she avoids these conversations.  The key is to let the person see a bit of what you deal with, enough to get the idea that there's a &lt;em&gt;whole lot more&lt;/em&gt; there -- you're showing rather than telling that it's a topic fraught with emotion.  As I said earlier, this is for close friends, not casual coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T18:42:32.470" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13071" CreationDate="2018-04-11T20:14:54.450" Score="54" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine shut me down pretty effectively by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not a spokesman for my race.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(She's African American, and she say's I'm &quot;the 2nd whitest white person I know&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, I was a bit stung at the time because I was honestly, earnestly, and I guess a bit naively trying to understand - which I think is exactly what you're dealing with. But I got it. &lt;em&gt;And&lt;/em&gt; we're still friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3967" LastActivityDate="2018-04-11T20:14:54.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13071" CreationDate="2018-04-12T02:15:58.183" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers are good.  Let people know that non-black ignorance of the black experience is a significant part of the problem, and they can help by educating themselves. If you had a set of resources to recommend, you'd be helping lighten the burden long-term. I personally find following black and activist twitter accounts has been a &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; informative thing to do (books and essays by these writers also very good):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;DeRay Mckesson&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ta-Nehisi Coates&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Roxanne Gay&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Samuel Sinyangwe&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Carvell Wallace&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;bell hooks&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, there are many more. I would suggest including some evangelical Christian anti-racism for people in that episteme, but although Russell Moore is &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2017/08/14/russell-moore-white-supremacy-angers-jesus-but-does-it-anger-his-church/?noredirect=on&amp;amp;utm_term=.8877dddace43&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;to some extent on the case&lt;/a&gt;, I don't know of a thorough theological anti-racism text. I'm sure they exist, but boy, a lot of racists seem to still attend church and think Christianity supports their racism. I've argued with them on Twitter from time to time.  My wife really recommends the 'Truth's Table' podcast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16625" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T02:15:58.183" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13085" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2488" CreationDate="2018-04-12T05:00:31.320" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does it have to be in email? Can you not talk to your boss in person face to face or a phone call? I think that would lessen the confusion, give you the answer faster and avoid misunderstanding since you can see the facial expression or at least hear the voice of your boss. You can then reply to the email to document what you've agreed on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16627" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T05:00:31.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13071" CreationDate="2018-04-12T05:38:59.593" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel the same way when people talk about politics as I live in a city where my political views are different than the majority. I just don't feel like arguing about it, really ever. So what I do is just seem completely uninterested when someone brings up politics. I never say, let's not talk about that. I just only say a few words here and there. Or even better I start making lighthearted jokes about it to let them know I'm not taking their super serious heavy political discussion seriously. Then guess what. They laugh and somehow the topic changes without anyone even noticing (except me). And they stop bringing it up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16629" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T05:38:59.593" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13064" CreationDate="2018-04-12T09:02:39.860" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to suggest a writers aphorism&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Show, don't tell.&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The nightmare scenario is that you continually declare that things are okay, unintentionally signalling that they're not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you okay, Bob?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm fine, Alice, just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you sure? It's just that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, no problems, all good here. I'm okay, all right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you'd get more agitated and any concerns for your welfare will only increase. It's a vicious circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest you consciously try to relax when you're asked the question, give it a kind of non-committal &amp;quot;yeah, okay&amp;quot;, and go about your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let on that the question has bothered you, and it won't look like you're trying to cover an issue. This may also lead to you feeling more relaxed about the question, when you see folks are less concerned about it, because you've demonstrated that you're okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1673" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T09:02:39.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13090" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13096" CreationDate="2018-04-12T09:10:52.167" Score="4" ViewCount="743" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, I come from India, from a place where depression is not at all recognized as a disease. I have never met or heard a person from my place even mention the word &quot;depression&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, moving on to the matter. I really do not know if I suffer from depression or not. I took 2 or 3 online tests for depression and all the tests have come out positive.  I am pretty ashamed of it and I do not know how to talk about it with my family. To top it, all entrance exams are coming up and my family and everybody else I meet just stresses on my exams. I used to do well in studies but nowadays I am like extremely poor in studies and am feeling hopeless and I feel that I won't be able to get anywhere in life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have read about depression on the Internet and it says that I need to see a doctor. The problem is that I don't know if we have a doctor here that looks after that sort of problems, and even if there is one, since I am still in school I can't go without anybody knowing about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried talking to my mom :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me : &quot; Mom, I feel sad all the time and I feel anxious about&#xA;  what my life will turn out to be&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: &quot;Just don't worry sweetie, just pray to God and all your&#xA;  anxiety will be gone&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: (After a while I start crying after a lot of comforting words)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom: (A bit angry) &quot;You are just overreacting and you are just&#xA;  wasting your time by crying. Now instead of wasting your time go and&#xA;  do something useful. You know very well that you have only these many&#xA;  days left before your exam. Just pray to God. Why don't you do that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: (in my mind ) &quot;God, please help me deal with this..&quot; But&#xA;  a voice inside my mind asks me &quot;Do you even deserve that? You are&#xA;  not worth anything. You are just better off dead.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just an example and I would like to highlight that this is not exam stress since I have been like this for about a year now. Whatever I try to do a voice inside me just makes me feel alone. How do I deal with this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there isn't any way that I can solve my issue without having to consult any doctor, &lt;strong&gt;then how do I confront my family about these issues? I have tried but if I just tell them, they just laugh it off or maybe even ask me what that means?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16316" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T06:47:45.657" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T06:47:45.657" Title="How to deal with depression privately and how to let my family know about it?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;depression&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="15" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-12T11:53:09.023" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13091" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13064" CreationDate="2018-04-12T09:41:22.407" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt; thought while reading this question (before I read your location) was that the expression &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm fine&quot;&lt;/em&gt; is often thought to mean just the opposite. It is seen as a dismissive expression, rather than an assuring one. Of course you don't specifically say that this exact phrase is your response (although you used the word &quot;fine&quot; in your question's title) but similar expressions may have the same effect. When people are worried and ask if you are okay they have a specific concern. Unless you address that specific concern they often continue to worry. Even phrases that literally mean you are well may be perceived as neutral or dismissive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But&lt;/strong&gt; then I saw that you live in German speaking Switzerland, so this English language idiom probably doesn't apply!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I admit I don't know much about Swiss culture, but in &lt;em&gt;German&lt;/em&gt; German expressions like &lt;em&gt;Ich bin OK&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;mir geht's gut&lt;/em&gt; don't carry the same ambiguity. Although this is a generalisation for which I apologise, German seems to be more to the point - whether that is due to language or culture I am not qualified to say! But &lt;strong&gt;politeness often leads to ambiguity&lt;/strong&gt;. It is out of politeness that we soften our words, or omit saying things that we are actually feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to your question of &lt;em&gt;how can I be more persuasive&lt;/em&gt;....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You have tried:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Repeatedly saying you are fine&lt;/strong&gt;. As I have explained above, sometimes these short reassuring phrases are received as dismissal. They do not specifically address what the other person is really thinking, so it doesn't satisfy them. You &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; what they are thinking, so you need to address it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Explanation&lt;/strong&gt;. Perhaps this hasn't worked because you may be &lt;em&gt;saying too much&lt;/em&gt;! In English many people believe that if someone &quot;protests too much&quot; it means they are trying to hide something. We have Shakespeare to blame for this (&lt;em&gt;&quot;The lady doth protest too much, methinks.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; - Hamlet)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Jokes&lt;/strong&gt;. Again, these can be seen as dismissive. Humour, especially about oneself, is often a defense mechanism.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe the way to be more persuasive in this situation is to &lt;strong&gt;be more direct&lt;/strong&gt;, but also to &lt;strong&gt;be brief&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone asks if you are okay, look at them and confidently say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes I feel great, thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... or similar suitable phrase in your language. The important bit is to include how you &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt;. Now you might feel that this is a little jarring or out of place, but by using a phrase that shows you have really thought about how you feel, rather than using a platitude ought to satisfy any concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if someone brings you vegetables again instead of a muffin, you could smile to show some humour and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, where's my muffin?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This hopefully shows that you actually &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; like food, and highlights their misconceptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps. I hope I haven't made any unfair assumptions about the differences in language and culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T09:41:22.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13092" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13090" CreationDate="2018-04-12T09:45:43.427" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are many cultures where there is a stigma associated with mental health, and it may be very difficult for people to be taken seriously by their family and friends when they try to talk about these issues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your family has the wrong impressions about mental health, then it's going to be very difficult for you to talk to them and convince them otherwise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are numerous organisations around the world who help people with depression and mental health issues. They are often volunteer and donation run and offer you anonymity, guidance, help and advice for your specific culture and region. They'll be able to give you better advice, not just about mental health, but also help you know when is a good time to talk to your parents and what to say to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These options aren't just for suicide. They're for anyone who is feeling depressed, anxious or feeling like they just can't cope and need emotional support or someone to talk to. Some of them have email addresses or online chat options for people who can't afford to call or are worried about other people finding out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;wikipedia page on suicide crisis organisations&lt;/a&gt; has a list of ogranisations all over the world, for anyone from any country to get help. &#xA;Some of them even offer email services.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're in india, here's a quote for that part of the page:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Samaritans Mumbai: (samaritansmumbai.com)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  02264643267, 02265653267,02265653247&lt;br&gt;&#xA;   3 pm to 9 pm, all days. samaritans.helpline@gmail.com.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Helpline providing emotional support for those who are stressed,&#xA;  distressed, depressed, or suicidal.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  AASRA (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.aasra.info/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.aasra.info/&lt;/a&gt;):&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  91-22-27546669 is a 24-hours a day, 7 days a week nationwide&#xA;  voluntary, professional and confidential services.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Sneha India:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.snehaindia.org&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.snehaindia.org&lt;/a&gt;) is available 24/7 on the phone by calling&#xA;  91 44 24640050.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thebetterindia.com/94553/suicide-helplines-india/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Some other options in India&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Sumaitri: feelingsuicidal@sumaitri.net  011-23389090&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Lifeline Foundation: reach@lifelinekolkata.org +913324637401/7432&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Roshni: roshnihelp@gmail.com +914066202000/2001&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Maithri:  maithrihelp@gmail.com 04842540530&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Sneha: help@snehaindia.com +914424640050/60  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you're not ready to talk to your parents about this, or are feeling alone in this, you're not alone! There are many people who feel the same way you do, in India and all over the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T15:34:18.693" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T15:34:18.693" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13070" CreationDate="2018-04-12T10:14:22.847" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately this is a very common phenomenon in the times of online social interaction. It is called ghosting. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.eharmony.co.uk/dating-advice/online-dating-unplugged/polter-guys-and-ghoulish-girls-isnt-it-time-we-gave-ghosting-an-exorcism#.Ws8voYhuYuV&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This Link&lt;/a&gt; talks a little bit about it, more in the context of dating but it also applies to friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my personal experience there is not too much you can do. Also to my personal experience 90% of this ghosting happens when it gets serious - when you try to set a specific time and date to meet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to keep a good spirit, try to assume good intent and that she read your message but did not answer you because she is not really clear on her schedule yet. Sometimes it takes some time writing a good reply to someone you care about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a friendly ping like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, just wanted to check if all is well with you. If you still want to meet someday, I´d be nice if you text me so I´ll know I have not been ghosted. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should work. If you get no reply, forget her and move on! It´s nothing personal, but she is not ready!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some general advice: Do not to pay too much attention to who read what message when - you don´t know the other persons personal lives and it takes lees time to tap on a message to mark it as read then to process it emotionally and come up with an answer. As long as you have not met in real life, you have no idea what kind of person you are really dealing with. Your mind fills the void with all kinds of doubt´s to why there´s no answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helps me to stay cool with all this, is to treat it like a little game. Like a session of online chess - sometimes you loose, but it´s no big deal, the next one is waiting...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T11:57:05.327" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T11:57:05.327" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13095" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-12T10:27:22.180" Score="76" ViewCount="26339" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have been together for about 8 years now (married for 6) and we have two gorgeous children. My wife, unfortunately, has been suffering from mild depression for quite a while, long before we even met so probably about 15 years. It comes and goes, some months she's fine and others she isn't. She hides it well so it's hard to know when she is feeling down unless she mentions it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before we had our children, I gave her my utmost attention and affection. We would do all sorts of things together constantly like going out, watching films, playing games etc. When we had our first child (4 years ago), I regretfully changed. Obviously having kids is a major event in any mum's or dad's lives but I became more distant towards my wife. I didn't think of it at the time, I gave our first child a lot of attention and not enough towards my wife. This continued with our second child (2 years) ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During these 4 years, she mentioned to me several times that I wasn't being there for her. When she told me, I would be more attentive towards her but this only lasted for maybe a few weeks then I went back to how I was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had an epiphany a few months ago and made a promise to become a better husband. So I started to hold my wife more, hug and kiss her. Gave her more attention. After a few weeks, she told me I was trying too hard. That I was suffocating her and not giving her enough space. She also mentioned that she pretty much gave up on wanting to spend time with me because I did the same to her previously which is understandable. So I try to take it slow and be with her when she's not busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For almost a year now, she has been fairly addicted to an online video game. She would play on average between 6 - 10 hours a day easily. Sometimes she would play from 8pm to 4am. She has made contact with other people and has gotten quite personal with one person. So personal in fact that they would talk about sex. Not in general, but having sex with each other. How I found this out is not relevant but my wife told me that these were just jokes, that it was only a fantasy and not real. She admitted she was doing this for attention (which I clearly did not give).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This caused me, and still causes me, so much pain. I found this out a few weeks ago. I would not have minded much if they made lame generic sex jokes. But describing what sexual activities they would do to each other made me almost physically sick and now it's all I think about. Day in, day out, at work and at home. I get distracted thinking about this and everytime I see her playing her game, I keep thinking what sexual thing are they talking about now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She tells me she loves me and that she wouldn't leave me or the kids. I trust her but at the same time, I'm not sure if I should tell her how this whole conversation thing makes me feel. She told me if I did the same to her, she would not like it but it's not a big deal as going to see the person physically. I am afraid of creating more tension between us and she getting closer to her 'friend' if I told her how I felt. But she also doesn't seem depressed when she talks to him so maybe it is good for her to have this fantasy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what to do. I haven't stopped giving her attention and affection and I feel I could do so much more but I don't want to do too much too quickly in case she rejects me. I have told her how I utterly regret my actions during the time I neglected her. That it was completely wrong of me to do so and how I want to desperately make it up to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess what I am trying to accomplish is for her to stop having sex chats with her friend. And if she wants that kind of attention then she could get it from me. But I don't want her to think that she should stop talking to him (she won't since it is her choice). I am afraid that talking about this with her would result in an argument and could potentially cause a rift between us. I am trying my best to ignore the negative thoughts I have about this but I feel it will come to a point where I might just breakdown.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What would be the best way to discuss this with my wife?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(PS. Feel free to edit the question title and/or body, not sure how to word all of this at the moment).&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit in response to comments:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Is the &amp;quot;how you found out&amp;quot; really not important?...You don't need to share, but it might help us gauge the level of this relationship of theirs&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The chat log was saved in a file which I had no idea what it contained. After reading some snippets of it, I realised what it was and could not read any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Does she have friends (real life, not online), and a social life, or does she stay home 24/7?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not real friends, more like acquaintances from the gym which she goes to 3-4 times a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You say you withdrew your attention in the past. What caused you to do this?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It started when we had our first child. I think I suddenly became more of a father than a husband.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Gaming addiction?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has admitted that she has an addiction to it which started a year ago, the same time she told me she was feeling depressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She usually plays an hour or so in the morning and then all night. Our youngest is either asleep or watching TV. She does not have much of a social life (quite like me). She does go to the gym 3-4 times a week for an hour; I also go with her once a week so that it is something we both do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife does look after the kids. She plays an hour in the morning then spends time with the little one. And she picks up the other from school. She does the usual house chores: cleaning, cooking, washing etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16642" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-01-08T18:08:11.427" Title="How to approach discussion with wife about a possible &quot;emotional affair&quot;" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;sex&gt;&lt;online-relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13096" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13090" CreationDate="2018-04-12T10:30:04.193" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even if those around you do not recognise the condition, it is very important that &lt;strong&gt;you do&lt;/strong&gt; acknowledge it, as you clearly have. You must know and believe that the suicidal thoughts you speak of are a symptom of your condition, and you must not listen to them!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although your parents may not understand fully, their responses show that they do care about your well-being. They want you to be alive, happy and well. Do not for a moment think that your family, your friends, or the world in general would be better without you - your family would be completely devastated, perhaps even more so for not having understood. So please, hold on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found &lt;a href=&quot;https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/health-fitness/health-news/Are-you-depressed-and-dont-know-it/articleshow/51596721.cms&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt; article from the Times of India in which the World Health Organisation is quoted as saying India is one of the most depressed in the world. So perhaps depression is more widely recognised than you think! I think it is true in most cultures that our beliefs about the world, and how people think in general, is shaped initially by our family, but eventually we enter the big wide world as an adult and find our family's ideas challenged, sometimes for the first time. I am not Indian and do not fully understand your culture, so I don't wish to say this for a certainty, but perhaps your belief that depression is not recognised in your country is outdated?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advice to anyone with any illness is to seek professional help. See a doctor, and get a professional diagnosis. If you do have clinical depression then you will get help, support, perhaps medication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to your question of &lt;em&gt;&quot;how to let my family know that I suffer from depression&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.... it may be that after seeking help you are well enough not to require telling them! That might be a little over optimistic. But any conversation you have with them will be made easier if you are &lt;em&gt;as well as you can be&lt;/em&gt;. So hold on, get the right help, and then approach your family. Likely they will be more receptive if you are able to tell them a doctors opinion. I hope this is not a bad generalisation, but I have always understood that doctors are well respected in India?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T10:30:04.193" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13095" CreationDate="2018-04-12T11:18:36.690" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am afraid that talking about this with her would result in an argument and could potentially cause a rift between us&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whilst approaching the topic right now may cause a rift, surely this would only be a short term reaction. However, this would allow you both to voice your side of the story. Delaying to speak to your wife, would most likely cause a rift in the long term, you would also have had more time to potentially over think your feelings towards the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find the best way to avoid an argument with my partner is to talk to them as soon as they've upset me. If my partner has done something that hurts/upsets me I will talk with them about it, sure there will most likely be tears from both sides of the party - but by talking to them about it now makes them aware of their action that upsets me and allows them the chance to do something about it. If I didn't talk to my partner, then they would continue to do the action that is upsetting/hurting me which would make myself resent them more. So when I finally break and tell them about it because I just can't take it anymore, I'm unlikely to talk to them about it in a calm manner, causing an argument between us, making it harder to come to a resolution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm trying to say, is from my experience, it's best to be open to your partner straight away, even if you know you're going to upset one or both of you in doing so. As the short term pain hurts less than the long term pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do decide to talk to your partner, try and do so in a calm manner, and preferably a time when your children are not home and you know you're not going to get interrupted soon, as it's unlikely to be a 5 minute conversation. Do tell her how her actions make you feel, but also explain to her how you recognise how your actions in the past have hurt her. Also listen to what she has to say, both of your feelings as just as valid as each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16638" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T11:18:36.690" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13095" CreationDate="2018-04-12T11:20:08.083" Score="85" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your wife is having what is often called an &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;emotional affair&lt;/a&gt;. Even though it is just talk, the heart is involved. I say this not to escalate the situation, but because it is important you understand the situation in order to address it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I very much admire your stance to &quot;be a better husband&quot;. Too many people give up on relationships at the first sign of trouble. It &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; possible to repair a damaged relationship, but only if both are willing. You have to get your wife on board with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say the reason she has rejected your affections recently is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; for the reason she gives - that you are &quot;trying too hard&quot;. An emotional affair is as real as a physical one, and if her heart is with someone else then she will actually feel guilty for accepting your affections - either guilty because she knows what she is doing with the other guy online is wrong, or if she is already committed to this other person in her heart then she actually feel that accepting your affections is &quot;cheating&quot; on him!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you didn't already think all this, I apologise if this makes it sound very serious. But this does not mean your relationship is beyond repair!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, remember that you cannot control anybody else's feelings. You cannot directly change what your wife thinks or feels, but you can influence it. So continue to be a good husband - support her in all reasonable pursuits, continue to provide for your family and be a good father. Demonstrate, rather than tell, that staying with you is the best option for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A psychology model I personally find very helpful is the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Karpman Drama Triangle&lt;/a&gt;. Basically, the idea is that in every conflict there are three roles: a &lt;strong&gt;victim&lt;/strong&gt;, a &lt;strong&gt;persecutor&lt;/strong&gt;, and a &lt;strong&gt;rescuer&lt;/strong&gt;. But the main idea is that these roles &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;shift&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. See, from your &lt;em&gt;wife's&lt;/em&gt; point of view, she feels she is the victim (poor me, my husband doesn't pay me any attention), you are the persecutor (to blame for the situation) and this guy is her rescuer. But from &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; point of view &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; (or maybe your wife) are the innocent victim here, this guy online is causing the problems, and now you have turned to IPS for help, to rescue you. What you need to do it turn this around so that you and your wife are a unit again. You can only be her rescuer if (a) she comes to realise that this guy is damaging her marriage, and (b) you are as reasonable and loving as you can be (without tolerating the affair) so that she &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to run to you as her rescuer. If you get into arguments, this only fuels the idea that you are to blame for the way she feels, and she will continue to run to the other guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try setting up a situation where you can both talk, away from distractions. Maintain a reasonable distance, don't try to show physical affection because you know this gets a bad reaction and will only distract from what you want to discuss. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want you to know that I love you, and I am committed to making our&#xA;  marriage work. I&#xA;  need to talk to you about your relationship online. Even though you&#xA;  may not be meeting him in person, it is hurting me, and hurting our&#xA;  marriage, because you are emotionally involved with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to what she has to say. Don't put words into her mouth, but try and ask her if she agrees it is tantamount to an &quot;emotional affair&quot;, or if you are not comfortable with that term then whatever words you think describe the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although you must be understanding of her feelings, you also need to be clear about your expectations. Follow up by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like you to stop communication&#xA;  with this guy online because it is damaging our relationship. I want&#xA;  you to know that I am here for you, and I'm willing to talk about&#xA;  this. Whatever has brought us to this situation, I want to put it right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't get fixed immediately, be patient. But keep being loving, and try hard to rise above the situation. Be strong. No matter what really led to this, you can be the better man now, and hopefully she will see that you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really hope things work out for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T12:23:26.810" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T12:23:26.810" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13095" CreationDate="2018-04-12T11:25:45.863" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I am sorry for your situation.&#xA;I know how you feel. I had an attitude for my fiancee a while ago and afterwards, when I was OK, she had it. My thought was exactly the same as yours: I did it first, I deserve it. But... for how long, and how much?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to talk to her about this problem, about your relationship and take some decisions in order to improve it. You both made mistakes, but you need to get over it, because when she'll give up this game and this person and will be OK, probably you'll stick with what happen in your mind and again get into some problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both need to talk to each other, be honest and make some decisions in order to improve your relationship. And since you are the one who realized how bad is it, it's your job to make the first step. Or the first 100. Initiate the discussion in an appropriate environment(create it, if it must), speak from your heart, come with solutions(most from your side, in order to see that you really want it), then give her time to make the steps towards you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is your wife, you have 2 gorgeous children together. YOU HAVE to repair it.&#xA;Quit about the things that take your time(both of you), and stay together, do things together, anything that you know it would improve your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wish you best, and hope it works out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13034" LastEditorUserId="13034" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T11:37:31.897" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T11:37:31.897" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13095" CreationDate="2018-04-12T12:20:59.887" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;The elephant in the room is her gaming addiction. She is basically spending an entire working day at it, every day, if I understood you correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is massive. Who takes care of the kids? Who takes care of the home? Who takes care of you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying that to shift any blame on her, but to open your eyes to a much larger problem. Something very serious is going on with your wife if she spends the equivalent of a full-time job gaming. She not only misses attention from you, she misses something much bigger in life. A purpose maybe, or appreciation in general, not just from you but from society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe in addition to the other advise given already, trying to understand what is actually going on in her life might bring you back closer to her &lt;strong&gt;emotionally&lt;/strong&gt;. The fact that your hugs are suffocating her shows that purely physical distance is not the issue, emotional distance is. Her online lover is just a symptom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to talk to her, your actual question, is IMHO a simple recipe:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid making anyone guilty. Talk about behaviour, not people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Openly talk about the fact that things are not as they should be, and that you want to make an effort to save your marriage &lt;strong&gt;together with her&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then the thing you want, that she stops her online affair - and let's stop mincing words, that's what it is - becomes just one of the agreements you two make towards this goal. You say what you wish that she changes, and she says what she wishes you change.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Set up a regular place and time for reviewing how it's going. Maybe on Friday evenings (best if the kids are somewhere else) ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't expect miracles. Change takes time and doesn't always work immediately.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T12:20:59.887" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13095" CreationDate="2018-04-12T12:42:43.730" Score="28" Body="&lt;h2&gt;First off, the bitter pill to swallow:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't kid yourself, this is a serious threat to your marriage. What she is doing is an emotional affair at best, a regular and emotional affair at worst. It means a betrayal of your trust and emotional detachment from you. You have to recognize the severity in order to structure your actions here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your perspective in the question also means that there might be more going on that you don't know. I'm not going to question how you got this information, but you'll have to grapple with the possibility that a lot more is happening than what you know about. In every single case I've ever had happen with friends or family with a similar situation, this was the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Salvaging the situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to work on salvaging your marriage, which is commendable. The first step to do so will be to making clear to your wife how much of an effect this is having on you. Ideally, you'll frame the discussion by avoiding accusatory language (even if that's what you're doing, you want her to cooperate, remember?). This might not end up working out, but it should be your first avenue to try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondarily, you should ask her about and look into couple's counseling. Psychological damage from an emotional affair can be long lasting and hard to work through, for the both of you. Sometimes, it's not possible to work through issues on your own entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Tips for the conversation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should focus on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your feelings&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Staying within the realm of no-deniability (do not veer into speculation to invite the dismissive &quot;this didn't happen that way)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it not about what she has done primarly, but how that makes &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel. If she still loves you and is on board salvaging things, this will be a bigger motivator than her trying to escape blame&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoiding accusatory language. It is merited in this case, but you want to work things out, so anything that allows her to save face and move on is important&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T13:13:41.057" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T13:13:41.057" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13066" CreationDate="2018-04-12T13:06:40.660" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of factors to consider here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The relationship between the parties&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The tone you want to set&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your personality&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The likelihood of the communication being forwarded&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, there's not a hard and fast rule regarding this.  I don't have a problem saying &quot;Hey there boss!&quot; to my boss at work - he and I know each other quite well and have a good relationship.  If I were sending something to my boss' boss, then I'd be a little more formal because of the power distance and the fact that we aren't that close to one another - something like &quot;Hello Alice:&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also it depends on how formal I need to be.  Were I informing my boss of another team that is underperforming on a project, then I'd start with &quot;Bob:&quot;.  I know that e-mail is going to be seen by others, including the manager of the underperforming team, so I want to be more professional there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the Interpersonal skills perspective, erring on the side of formality is a safer bet (especially in a work scenario)- your recipient can tell you to lighten up and that doesn't really create the impression of excessive informality.  However, being excessively informal has several risks associated with it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that in academia, the rules are somewhat more relaxed.  There's not a boss/subordinate relationship; it's teacher/learner.  I'd suggest this: if it's informational or the mood is light, go ahead and say &quot;Hi, Professor Thompson!&quot;  If you want to convey a more serious tone, inform of something affecting your studies, or propose something, then a more professional greeting of &quot;Professor Thompson:&quot; would be more appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T13:06:40.660" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9125" CreationDate="2018-04-12T13:47:02.877" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say to try and have a conversation with her and ask her some more specific questions to see if you can get answers from her.   Maybe try and contact some relatives that might be able to help.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you mentioned a few things that might be an issue.  I found this that could be of help if you feel it's the circuit breaker in the house causing the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.circuitbreakerwholesale.com/blogs/circuit-breakers/circuit-breaker-troubleshooting-for-beginners&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Circuit Breaker Troubleshooting for Beginners&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15876" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T13:47:02.877" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13105" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13071" CreationDate="2018-04-12T14:37:28.177" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I saw your update&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;POLITELY, RESPECTFULLY BUT FIRMLY&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Polite, respectful and firm: &quot;I'm sure you have good intentions [polite to assume good will] and while I respect people's viewpoints, I intensely dislike this discussion.  I am glad that you will respect my preference [respectful as you're assuming the &quot;sale&quot; of them ending the topic].&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also very firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;because in some respects we live parallel lives&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all do.  Imagine you complain about a traffic jam to a Holocaust survivor: do you think your experience and the survivor's experience are even remotely related as far as pain of a moment?  No.  We don't know every experience other people have gone through and we all live different experiences; some try to understand others, but recognize no one does it perfectly.&#xA;We have at least 3 options if we don't want to discuss a topic - be direct, be indirect, or ignore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be direct&lt;/strong&gt;.  &quot;You don't come from my [race/background/experience] and you'll never understand, so I don't want to know or hear what you [think/believe/feel].&quot;  You make it clear that they are not your equal in &lt;em&gt;your experience&lt;/em&gt; and never will be.  It's direct so most people will get the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be indirect&lt;/strong&gt;.  &quot;I have to go catch [something]&quot; or &quot;I forgot about [something]&quot; or &quot;I'm not really interested in this topic, sorry, [change topic].&quot;  This is more polite to move the conversation to another topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore&lt;/strong&gt;.  This works beautifully at work when you're in a meeting and the conversation is on a topic that you don't want to engage in at all, like politics.  It takes a LOT OF WORK, but learning to tune everyone out regardless of what they're saying is a major skill that is very rewarding.  You'll ultimately learn to be self-directed even in a world of noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, we could engage the person with the belief that they might have a good intent and try to show kindness, even if they don't &quot;get it.&quot;  What should I say to someone who tells me they survived the Holocaust?  Is &quot;sorry&quot; enough?  Nothing I say will ever make up for their experiences, but thankfully, I've known a few who didn't expect me to fully understand and didn't judge me for it.  Those are wonderful people!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11791" LastEditorUserId="11791" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T22:04:30.013" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T22:04:30.013" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13107" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-12T15:33:28.523" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used to indicate that you are requesting answers based on academic research, &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; personal experience or anecdotal evidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answers to questions with this tag should &lt;strong&gt;cite academic references&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;clearly indicate their sources&lt;/strong&gt;. Answers without such backup are subject to removal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a question about a situation in an academic environment, please use the appropriate tag (currently &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/college&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;college&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;college&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/high-school&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;high-school&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;high-school&lt;/a&gt;, or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/school&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;school&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;school&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T15:33:28.523" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T15:33:28.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13108" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-12T15:33:28.523" Score="0" Body="For questions requesting answers backed up by academic sources. If your question is about a situation in an academic environment, use the appropriate tag (college, high-school, school)." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T15:33:28.523" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T15:33:28.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-04-12T16:50:02.497" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best thing to do in this situation is to switch to a different topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, when people comment on the way you live your life they don't really want to listen to your reasons and they just want you to accept their point of view. No matter what reason you give they will just find something else to counter your argument. So just smile and switch to a different topic. You don't need a reply. Just smile in a way that implies &quot;Maybe you don't like it, maybe this is my imperfection but this is just the way who I am and I love it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your daughter, You could talk about it how looks do not matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are lot of examples in daily life, celebrities, people who are beautiful but are not liked by people because they have a bad character. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when you talk about it a lot of times to your daughter it sort of gets installed in her mind. It works easily if your daughter is younger than 13. That is how my mother used to convince me about what is right and what is wrong. Because when you tell your child to do something, all children will have the tendency to try the reverse of it. But when we get to see the consequences of it and see that it is wrong we don't do it. This is just a general tip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16316" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-11T19:04:44.447" LastActivityDate="2018-11-11T19:04:44.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13064" CreationDate="2018-04-12T17:35:37.360" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is quite funny how I came across this one. I got a friend who literally never eats in front of me. Sort of worried and frustrated about this one, because I'd like us to enjoy meals together, especially since I am a bit of a foodie myself (in a healthy way). While I'm still going to be sad that she prefers to pack that delicious sushi rather than eat it as I eat mine, at least she is healthy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe a more sly way to get rid of the problem, but how about posting your tasty meals and breakfast on social media just so everyone knows you're very much into food? Or bringing in those lovely muffins with you to work to show them you're indeed all about those muffins? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, get them crisp out when you are hanging about with them and crunch on them very loudly. Kindly let them that since no one believed you eat like anyone else, you are now going to eat those crisp right next to their ear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Drastic times call for drastic measures. I hope I am not being too childish here, and that the Swiss can appreciate the humor in this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T17:35:37.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13116" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13117" CreationDate="2018-04-12T20:08:07.620" Score="0" ViewCount="662" Body="&lt;p&gt;Suppose that the recipient overlooked or misunderstood (part of) a short, truly succinct email because he didn't read carefully, not because the sender flubbed anything (like bad writing). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The email is so readable that any repeating or rephrasing in a new email is redunant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T20:17:05.600" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T20:20:58.880" Title="How can I tactfully ask someone to reread an email?" Tags="&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-04-12T20:42:49.547" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13116" CreationDate="2018-04-12T20:20:58.880" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the mistake here may be to assume that your email was indeed as readable as you believe. Many times I've written a letter or email and felt the message was clear, only to re-read it at some later point and see that it could have been interpreted in a different way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless, the only resolution I could see being effective is a response along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you would read my email again, you will see that I said &lt;em&gt;&quot;{quote the misinterpreted part of the email}&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, therefore your response &lt;em&gt;&quot;{possibly quote the part of the reply which is misunderstood}&quot;&lt;/em&gt; seems rather out of place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The recipient only has two options at this point: a) acknowledge their error and concede the response was misguided, or b) clarify their different interpretation of your statement and why they feel their response is justified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That seems about as tactful as you can be, whilst actually seeking to clarify the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-04-12T20:20:58.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13119" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13125" CreationDate="2018-04-12T22:29:23.327" Score="15" ViewCount="1232" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work with a &lt;strong&gt;LOT&lt;/strong&gt; of non-native English speakers. As such, miscommunications are a daily occurrence. I've noticed that sometimes when they don't understand something, they'll just nod and smile, or smile and say &quot;yeah.&quot; Whether this happens because they deem the act of asking for clarification to not be worth it given the conversation or they're too embarrassed to admit they don't know, I'm not sure of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I'm on friendly terms with many of these people, I'll joke with them and our conversations will carry lighter tones. This usually results in me dropping my guard and not always remembering to enunciate and talk as slowly as I need to. My issue comes when I ask a work related question or a question that I need answered and they nod and smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, re-asking the question or making it clear that I asked a question results in embarrassment for the other party. I understand that I need to better enunciate and talk slower around these people, but realistically I can't always remember to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once I'm in a situation where I've asked a question and gotten a nod and smile, how can I get the answer I need while minimizing embarrassment for the nod-and-smiler?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Note: I've tagged this United States, but I'd be interested to hear if other cultures have their own ways of dealing with this!&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T22:51:20.420" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T18:12:32.883" Title="How to minimize embarrassment when I ask a question but they nod and smile?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13120" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13122" CreationDate="2018-04-12T23:07:57.207" Score="15" ViewCount="1017" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of people who know me know I like to read, I read a lot of different things, and I read quickly. I also like to post about what I read on Twitter or my Goodreads profile. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, people seem to mistake my ability to read quickly and the fact that I have read things in a number of genres (although I do have preferences, but reading fast means I just get through more books than a lot of people, so I have time to read from a greater variety of genres and sources) for the idea that I will read just about anything tossed my way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means I get well meaning people I know asking me to read their (often) unpublished work, or their self-published work and for me to give them my opinion. I've realized this often means they basically want to use me as a free editing service. This isn't something I'm interested in doing, and I don't want to get into a place where if I do read their work, where they expect me to give them free advice on how to make it better, or what have you. I also do have some sort of mental selection process - so I might not even be interested in their book at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried outright refusal by just telling them I won't read it, which usually ends up with them nagging me because they feel I should as a show of friendship, or causing fights about how I don't value the time and effort they have made in writing the work. I've tried stating it's not of interest to me, which only works if it isn't in a genre I actively read - otherwise, they'll push back. I've tried saying I don't have time, but since I read so many other things (and this is visible to anyone who sees my Goodreads updates), they get mad that I have time for other books, but not theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also tried limiting myself to only reading the first chapter or so of something, to see how I feel about it, or to placate someone. This usually ends up in people telling me &quot;well, you started, might as well finish, right?&quot; or claiming I didn't get to the &quot;good bits&quot; if I say it's not to my liking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm trying to find a way I can avoid reading things that I have no interest in (either because the book isn't appealing or I don't want to get into the free editing trap) without causing ridiculous rifts in my friendships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't work in any sort of writing/editing/publishing related field (I currently work in tech support), I don't have a lot of people who follow me on GoodReads or Twitter because of my reviews or anything, and I don't get paid for anything I read or maybe review. When I do write reviews on Goodreads, it's often just like the star rating and maybe a sentence or two if something really struck me (good or bad). On Twitter, I usually just tweet when I particularly like a book or a particular passage really struck me, but again, I don't have a lot of followers and I am not really intending to be like a serious contender in the book review world, I just share about things I like in the books I read the same way I'd share on Twitter about movies I liked or random cute animals I've seen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there some sort of tactful approach I could use here, beyond what I've already tried? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastEditorUserId="75" LastEditDate="2018-04-12T23:33:12.033" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T22:55:43.193" Title="How can I tactfully approach not wanting to read someone's unpublished/self-published book?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13120" CreationDate="2018-04-13T00:05:56.120" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm like you in that I love to read in my free time and I would feel exactly how you do now if I was in your situation. For me, the reason I'd be opposed is because I feel I wouldn't be able to properly enjoy the reading if I had to be keeping an eye out for problems the entire time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel the same way, you should turn them down by not focusing on their work, but on the internal reasons you're against being an editor instead (essentially, &lt;strong&gt;it's not you, it's me&lt;/strong&gt;). This work is their baby after all the time they've spent on it. Emphasize the reason you wouldn't want to read it isn't because the work might be rough or subpar, but because  &lt;strong&gt;reading as an editor takes away the fun of reading.&lt;/strong&gt; If you have to focus on critiquing the work the entire time you're reading, you can't immerse yourself in the world like you want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they follow up that they don't want you to focus on critiquing, but to read the story and just give impressions afterwards, you can insist that no matter how hard you try to ignore it, &lt;strong&gt;knowing that this is an unfinished work will cause you to analyze it&lt;/strong&gt; in ways that will pull you out of the story and ruin the fun for you. Stick to your guns and reaffirm that reading unpublished work isn't fun for you like other reading is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To soften the blow (and if it's truthful), let them know that if they get published and are done making revisions, you'd be happy to buy a copy! You can also redirect them to one of the many online writing communities where they could post their story and get hundreds of random-internet-people-eyes on it in no time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T00:57:43.087" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T00:57:43.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13123" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13119" CreationDate="2018-04-13T01:56:31.980" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this situation. In my experience it is best to say the same again with other words and maybe an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And follow up with a question or two which will confirm if they understood you. And if not then tell them the same again in different words with an introduction like: &quot;Maybe what I said was unclear, what I meant was xyz&quot;. So you don't give them the feeling that they are stupid and don't understand, you give them the feeling that you should have known better and explained it to them in a better way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience this works. And if the others know that you will follow up with questions then they will think twice before they just say &quot;yes&quot;, &quot;sure&quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And they will also learn that they don't have to be embarrassed if they tell you they didn't understand you and please repeat it again slower.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Addition:&lt;/strong&gt; I am used to this behavior with lots of Thai people. Almost all of them “learn” in school to be good kids and do not ask. The teacher teaches and he is always right. And if you don’t understand it then you must be stupid. This is how they grew up and for many of them it takes a long time to understand that with many “westerners” they can ask and they even should ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I like to add Cashbee's comment:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;What I would have added though is kindly reassuring them that they can and should say so when they did not understand something (after the conversation, when it has happened again).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8838" LastEditorDisplayName="user8838" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T08:38:50.790" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T08:38:50.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13119" CreationDate="2018-04-13T03:33:06.540" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you really sure problem is due to language/accent/speed and not because they don't understand the technicalities of what you said ?&#xA;I'm asking this as someone whose first language is not English. If I don't understand someone's accent, I have absolutely no problem asking them to repeat. But if they are trying to explain something/ train me on stuff and it's going over my head, I may just nod my head to avoid looking like an idiot. I would most probably miss a question because I'd still be thinking about what was said before that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are sure the problem is due to them not being able to keep up with your speed then obviously, it would help if you slow down while talking. If that's difficult for you to remember, try these after you get the nod/smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you are on friendly terms with them, you can say &quot;Guys, I'm waiting for my answer .. I just want to know &amp;lt;&quot;repeat your question at a slower pace&quot;&gt;. You won't really be embarrassing anyone, you just come across as a bit impatient while waiting for your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to do that, tell them &quot;Looks like you need more time to answer my question, should I summarize our discussion and my question in an email ? You can reply to it when you get time.&quot; Chances are most of them will say 'Yes'. That way, you can get your answer without offending anyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10513" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T03:33:06.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13119" CreationDate="2018-04-13T05:23:28.283" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;That happens to me sometimes at my University. I usually pretend that the nod-and-smile is an adequate response to that question, and then rephrase the question (speaking slower, less technical language etc) as if this is a new question unrelated to what I'd said before. So I'll start with &quot;Another thing is ____&quot; even though really it's the same thing. It's not a real long-term solution to communication problems and saving face, but it seems to do the job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14374" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T05:23:28.283" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13126" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13120" CreationDate="2018-04-13T06:20:55.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an amateur writer and what would work for me would be a plain no, tactfully and friendly brought. But some people can be persistent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What these people rarely think about is that reading a book is a substantial time investment most of the time, even if you are an avid reader. For them to ask you to simply finish their draft since you read one chapter is not really fair in my opinion. I think it is a good idea though to offer to read a small part of it, a scene or a couple of paragraphs. Tell them to send you their best and worst scene in their opinion and then you can give your opinion on it. That should be more than enough for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you should do free editing work, but there is also a difference in reading a piece of text and giving your thoughts on it or actually editing it and proofreading it. The first goes more into the story, the style of writing and how it is brought. The second is more technical and requires more knowledge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also think these people come to you since they assume you are a good pointer for if their book is good or not since you read a lot. Perhaps it could help if you point out to them that your preferences are a personal thing and can/ will vary a lot from reader to reader.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, while you should stay friendly and tactful, don't be afraid to stand your ground. Even if you are close friends, you have no obligation to read an entire book written by them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I suggest saying are things along the lines of this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would love to read a small part of it, say a scene or a couple of paragraphs, but I don't have the time right now to commit to fully reading your work I am afraid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am currently nose deep in X books, so it would be hard to blend yours in right now. optional(I could fit in a few paragraphs ladida)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really nice that you finished your first draft/published your book/ whatever! But I am not sure I am the right person for feedback like this. Even though I read a lot, I read leisurely and for my own pleasure, I am not really good at or keen on providing detailed feedback. I am also not sure if your work will fit in with my general interest/ genre preferences. I think there are other people/ communities you could go to for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the communities, there is a bunch of them where you can converse with other writers, professional or amateur, and can get feedback. Getting a beta reader base is harder, but that is for a reason. You are asking people to read your book which is full of errors, mistakes and probable loopholes and such. That takes the enjoyment out of reading for a lot of people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could point them to the various writing subreddits or discord channels as well. But again, don't be afraid to be very stern and clear in your answer, just stay friendly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T06:20:55.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13120" CreationDate="2018-04-13T09:27:18.407" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have experienced similar situations often - not just with myself but with friends who work in various forms of media too. People who do actually create great books, music, art etc are usually a bit nerdy themselves, but self-aware so as to have a filter on what is good and bad. But the fans they attract don't always have the same filter, and often have a go at creating something of their own that is amateurish at best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the bright side of things, you seem to attract creative people as friends. Even if their writing is terrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They obviously see you as some kind of expert, even if you are not. I would suggest that you can capitalise on their opinion of you to achieve your goal. See, if they think your opinion on books is really so valuable then you can act like an elitist snob and they won't be surprised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am basing my suggested approach on the method that seems to work for my friend who is an established comic artist. People love his work, he always has a queue for sketches and autographs at comic cons. But if someone asks him to comment on their artwork he just says &quot;No&quot;. He doesn't tell them it is rubbish, he is just firm from the outset that he isn't going to look at it, and people seem to respect it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but I'm not going to read your book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they ask why, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to have to tell you that I don't like it, it would be&#xA;  awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is a genuinely close friend that you don't want to offend, then hold this thought and persist with it. Just say that you value their friendship and you wouldn't want it to become awkward if you had to be honest with them and say you didn't enjoy their book. Actually, in the case of really close friends you ought to be able to tell them the truth and say you're too busy to get involved as a proof-reader, or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But lets assume they are only acquaintances, and they persist with questions like &lt;em&gt;how do you know you won't like it&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I only read published books. If you already think it is good enough to&#xA;  be published, get a publisher, then I promise I will read it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say all this with a smile and some humour, worst case scenario is they will think you are a bit of a snob. But if they are already putting you on a pedestal as some kind of professional book critic then they really ought to expect this kind of reaction. After all, this is exactly how any publisher would react if someone threw an unsolicited manuscript at them. In fact you could tell them so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T09:27:18.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13133" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13134" CreationDate="2018-04-13T09:37:08.440" Score="26" ViewCount="21183" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been with the same driving instructor for 3 years, I have taken my test 3 times and I have failed. After failing the first time, my family said that I should probably try a different driving instructor, as my current instructor does not have a great success rate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Skip forward, the end of my third test with this instructor, and I have failed again. Each time I have failed on something where I haven't known something or have been nervous because I don't know where I am. All very obvious things. My friends and colleagues have all said that their driving instructors took them over the test routes, however my driving instructor has still not done this with me. During this time between the first test and the third test I have lost a lot of confidence in my driving, and I am now very nervous while driving, and my driving instructor has not been very helpful with this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has encouraged me to book my test with him again at the end of this month, however I have had a recommendation from a family friend who started their lessons with my driving instructor but eventually passed their test with a different driving instructor, who has suggested that I take my test with the driving instructor that they passed with. This driving instructor is available on the day I wish to take my test, and also has lessons available at a time I can do them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also worth mentioning that my first two years of driving lessons were done in a car like the one this second driving instructor uses, but my last few months of lessons (a few weeks before my first test and during my tests) were done in a much larger car. I would use this as my excuse except that I am worried that my driving instructor will think that this is a bad reason, as I should be able to drive cars of different sizes. I have also purchased my own car, a smaller car, and have been practicing in this car and I have been driving just fine in that (other than stalling it a few times as I am not used to it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After taking all of these things into account I have decided that I would like to change driving instructors. However, I have been working with this instructor for a very long time. They also live quite close to me so I feel uncomfortable. Right now they are asking me when I want my next lesson to be. I don't know if they have any cancellation fees for taking tests as they have no website, so I would need to ask them this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach telling them that I don't want to do my next test with them? We tend to talk over text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;edit: Update&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I sent him this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi &lt;em&gt;name&lt;/em&gt;, I'm sorry but I think I'm going to try a different driving instructor, I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere and I need to try something different. Thank you for your time so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;based on a few of your answers, and he responded saying that he didn't understand why I was changing instructors so close to the test, and blamed me failing the test on my own mistakes. I have decided not to reply. Thank you all for your help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9162" LastEditorUserId="9162" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T13:09:38.877" LastActivityDate="2019-05-13T19:37:16.783" Title="How to tell driving instructor that I want to change instructors?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13133" CreationDate="2018-04-13T10:01:28.933" Score="51" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have been with the same driving instructor for 3 years&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm stunned... I sincerely hope it's because of you missing time to go to the driving school. Because it's much more than what's usually needed. I'm talking here as a person working in the &lt;em&gt;car safety business&lt;/em&gt; (including driving lessons to all kind of people, ranging from student/beginners to pros) for over 21 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, there's nothing wrong asking to change school or instructor. Anefficient &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedagogy&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;pedagogy&lt;/a&gt; needs at least 2 very important factors. One is the quality of theoretical explanations and practical exercices, the second is the relationship between the Jedi and the Padawan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often get people coming to my office and telling me how bad their lessons and experiences have been going somewhere else. I can really understand, as many of the persons in that business are, either incompetent, or just greedy (&lt;em&gt;the more the lessons, the more the money...&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I recommend is just telling them that you feel like you are stuck and not progressing any longer. And, because of that, that you want to try a different approach, and another working environment. It's like switching jobs. No need to tell too much, just be nice when you go away...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I approach telling them that I don't want to do my next test with them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't blame them. Just tell them what you feel, and how you'd like to try something different. When driving, if you're in a dead-end, you have to do a 3-points-turn. Same here :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We tend to talk over text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can't help with the wording, just with the idea (see above)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;This is an update (done after answer was accepted), intended to help future readers. It gives useful tips/links to UK's &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gov.uk/government/organisations/driver-and-vehicle-standards-agency&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;DVSA - Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency&lt;/a&gt;, the &lt;a href=&quot;https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/307658/dvsa-drivers-record.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Driver's Record and Competencies&lt;/a&gt;, as well as &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.bbc.co.uk/consumer/27611093&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;numbers, facts and tips from the BBC&lt;/a&gt;. Be sure to check that the instructor's teaching complies with the required competencies. Each lesson should start with 1. a reminder of what you did last hour (good and bad) 2. what you'll be working on during that lesson (with a goal to achieve and the things you have to be very careful about) 3. exercises and explanation that help moving towards the goal. 4. at the end, a  review of the lesson you've just finished (good, bad, what to do next, and how)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-13T19:37:16.783" LastActivityDate="2019-05-13T19:37:16.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13119" CreationDate="2018-04-13T10:02:17.457" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said that you are on good terms with these colleagues and can share a joke. I find that humour is not only a great ice-breaker when two people are divided by language, but it is also evidence that a person is progressing well with a second language. When a person can make someone else laugh in a language that is not native to them, or understand humour when receiving in a second language, then they have definitely reached a level that is beyond asking for the bill in a restaurant. You may be able to use humour appropriate for the workplace to (a) boost the confidence of your non-native English speaking colleagues which could help them relax and reduce embarrassment, and (b) create a relationship between you where they feel they can be more honest about what they have not fully understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time a miscommunication occurs, see if you can approach the person with a broad smile, and point out the error as if you find the mistake humorous. Your aim is to make them laugh &lt;em&gt;with you&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;not laugh at their English&lt;/em&gt;. This may depend on the person, but if you are already sharing a joke with them you should hopefully be able to gauge if this will work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have established with someone that you can laugh about the situation, you should be free to give them an instruction and then ask them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you sure you understand? I'm happy to explain anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate that this method depends on the other person's good humour but as you mention you have this rapport already I hope you can build on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T10:02:17.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13133" CreationDate="2018-04-13T10:07:31.997" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a similar issue when getting my drivers, I had a driving instructor who did not really help me at all and rather made me increasingly nervous about driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I swapped I simply said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry, but I do not think that together we will be able to get me to a level where I can pass my test, I will be looking elsewhere from now on. Thanks for all your time so far. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have not booked the test, there should be no cancellation fee. If you have, then I would rather wait to see if he asks about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end it is a business transaction, so any business person or person owning their own business would expect these kinds of things. I assume you have most likely spent a lot of money with your instructor and if he has any issues with this it is his own problem. Also 3 years is an extreme amount of time to try get your drivers. So he has to see it coming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And a large car/new car is definitely an issue with a new learner, any driver will take a while to get used to a new car, as a learner it is doubly more difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also when I changed my driving instructor I immediately passed a week later and had no issues at all. (Was in South Africa but the UK and SA tests are basically the same)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16693" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T10:07:31.997" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13133" CreationDate="2018-04-13T10:08:29.977" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suggestion: &quot;I have failed the test three times, so this doesn't seem to be working. I really don't want to pay you more money only to fail my test again, so I will want a different instructor&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are with some company having more than one instructor, they should change instructors without any problems. If they don't, you switch the company. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's your money that is being spent, and your time that is being wasted, so you call the shots who is getting your money. Don't come up with any fake excuses. This only opens you up to be talked out of your decision. The one and only point that matters is that &lt;strong&gt;you want a different instructor&lt;/strong&gt;. Any &quot;buts&quot; from the instructor are countered with &quot;I want a different instructor&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T10:08:29.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13120" CreationDate="2018-04-13T10:20:34.523" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is an important psychological principle; you might check if you violated this: If you say NO, say it in such a way that there is not the slightest hope about you changing your mind. For example you can say &quot;I never, ever, read unpublished books, and I never will, and I never will change my mind&quot;. That is quite clear. You will have very little comeback with this. One or two repeats at most should do the job permanently. If you say &quot;I don't really have much time right now, maybe sometime later&quot;, that gives them hope and they will come back again and again and again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let people down gently. They will come back for more. Say absolutely clearly &quot;NO&quot;. This doesn't have to be rude, of course. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T10:20:34.523" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13139" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13154" CreationDate="2018-04-13T10:21:03.040" Score="6" ViewCount="1173" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in North America but in the particular area I live in there are more Asians than Caucasians. I sometimes hear things I find racist but am afraid to speak up fearing a negative response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for one small example, in the work break room there's tv had and a cop show was on. I said &quot;I wonder where this is?&quot; and an Asian colleague said: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Judging by the white trash and rednecks of the place, probably the&#xA;  Southern States.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being white if I said that I would be (probably) fired. Being not white, it seems to be seen as okay. How can I criticise this inequality in a way that will not result in me being percieved as a racist or where other people get offended?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16694" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T16:40:22.283" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T12:53:05.670" Title="How can I take issue with inappropriate statements without offending people?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13133" CreationDate="2018-04-13T11:08:20.550" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are struggling with a firm approach, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but I can't afford to continue lessons with you right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Afford&quot; does of course have two meanings. Fact is that 3 years of lessons and failed tests will have cost you a lot of money. They shouldn't really question you on this. If they do, just say precisely that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It has been 3 years and I've taken my test 3 times, I just can't&#xA;  afford to continue right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if money isn't an issue (and isn't it always?) you cannot &quot;afford&quot; to continue with this instructor in the sense that it has been a massive waste of your time and energy too, so either way it is truthful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you have advised that you do not pay upfront for lessons there is nothing financial to lose from your instructor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have paid for a driving test in the UK and don't feel you are ready for it, it sounds like you can &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gov.uk/change-driving-test&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;change the appointment online here&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the best with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T13:08:08.493" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T13:08:08.493" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13133" CreationDate="2018-04-13T11:19:01.930" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;It took me five attempts to pass my driving test, so my answer is based on my own experience, although I did not in the end have to break the news to an instructor as you need to. However, the understanding that the instructor I left had of the situation may be helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first couple of times I failed I was still in school so I abandoned the project and tried again after college with a new instructor. Again I failed my test twice. My instructor found me frustrating because I would always be trying to work out the logic of what had led me to &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; my driving mistakes. That is my natural learning style, but for my instructor it was very frustrating as he was used to telling pupils they’d made a mistake and the pupils then just  cracking on with not doing it again.  But we got on well and soldiered on and I learned to drive with him very well, but I could NOT pass my test. After my second fail with him HE was the one to suggest I tried another instructor. &#xA;He suggested I try with a large national company whose teaching methods he generally disdained as ‘teaching people to pass the test, not how to be good drivers’, because he thought I could already drive perfectly well, but needed to learn to pass the test. I took his advice and passed after 4 lessons with the large company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of which is a very long winded way of me saying, consider telling your current instructor that you are going to change because you have come to the conclusion that his &lt;strong&gt;teaching style&lt;/strong&gt; and your &lt;strong&gt;learning style&lt;/strong&gt; aren’t a good match for getting you through your test. If you are worried about his feelings you can still thank him for the efforts he has put in in getting you to this stage and emphasise that it is a matter of learning styles rather than competency. It may even be true…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T11:19:01.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4128" CreationDate="2018-04-13T11:58:33.073" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before ordering, you ask loudly &quot;is there anyone here who doesn't have cash? This restaurant is in Japan, you won't be able to pay by credit card&quot;. If someone doesn't have cash, then they have the choice of finding someone willing to lend them some cash, or to walk to the nearest bank. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Visiting various parts of East Asia recently, my first question in any store was &quot;do you accept my Visa card&quot;, and if they didn't, I left. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T11:58:33.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13133" CreationDate="2018-04-13T12:08:37.073" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in a similar situation when I was 17. My driving instructor used to shout a lot and make me very nervous and anxious.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Luckily, my driving instructor was not self-employed, so after a while I gathered my courage and talked to his boss about it. In the end, I got a different driving instructor (who happened to be that said boss).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During that time, I hadn't yet realized this:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; are the &lt;strong&gt;customer&lt;/strong&gt; of your driving instructor.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;So if you are not happy, it is your full right to change instructors and you should not feel bad about saying that the provided service (the car lessons) are not adequate by your standard and that you will be seeking another instructor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't think that this is working out. Thank you for your work, but I will try the test with a different driving instructor. How can we proceed with the cancellation? Are there any fees?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By using the statement &quot;You are the customer&quot;, I tried to refer more to the fact that you as a student are neither legally nor socially obligated to stay with the same driving instructor until passing the test.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3438" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-04-15T19:52:36.773" LastActivityDate="2018-04-15T19:52:36.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13133" CreationDate="2018-04-13T15:05:26.763" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with Astralbee, in that I recommend not telling your current instructor that you plan to change instructors. But don't say it's about money or anything specific. Just tell them that you're taking a break from driving lessons, to relax and collect your thoughts on the matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with giving someone a reason (any reason!) is that it makes it a debate. Can't afford it? I'll drop the price! Car too big? I'll change the car! You end up in a tangle of negotiations that aren't about what you really want. So keep it at &quot;I know what's right for me right now is to take a break.&quot; Period. Or, &quot;Full stop&quot;, if that's how it's said where you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then you should actually take a break, a couple of months or whatever works (if it's been three years, you can spare a couple of months) and then pick a new instructor based on the recommendation of your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there's more. Ask yourself what the underlying reasons may be for your difficulties. Could this be a matter of something like anxiety? It could be something that a counsellor could help with. I have no idea where in the world you are (if you actually need to demonstrate skill to get a driver's license, it's probably not North America!) but some access to counselling may be available through your work or school, or family doctor. Forgive me for pushing into an area outside your question, but there may be something going on that's outside what a driving instructor can ever help with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1687" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T15:05:26.763" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13071" CreationDate="2018-04-13T15:15:56.707" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You already have a good handle on what it is you want to do. You want to firmly and effectively close down conversations with people who are either uninformed or close-minded on issues of race, without taking on responsibility for enlightening them or being cast as the unhelpful person with a chip on their shoulder. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You’ve kind of already answered your own question through various comments and revisions of your original post. I don’t aim to put words in your mouth, but&#xA;you already know that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mostly those people raising race issues with you know little about&#xA;them never having &lt;em&gt;had&lt;/em&gt; to know much about them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Learning about them is going to make them feel a range of emotions&#xA;which could include any or all of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Surprise/horror/disappointment (at themselves, history, the world at&#xA;large)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Disbelief, defensiveness and denial, or feeling accused, leading to a&#xA;desire to rationalise it all away,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;guilt, sadness, anger, anxiety or general discombobulation,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;fear of loss of privilege&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;with understanding and rational acceptance being a long ways down the line for some people, and taking time to get to.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don’t have the emotional resources or inclination to hand-hold them through that roller-coaster or be their emotional punch bag, and frankly I don’t blame you a jot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you have mentioned in comments is that you aren’t willing to engage &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;until they have demonstrated that they are aware of the thorny nature&#xA;  of the subject, and they are prepared to be uncomfortable&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which links very closely to what Martie Sirois says in her Blog-post ‘&lt;a href=&quot;https://gendercreativelife.com/2017/11/21/the-kind-of-racism-you-dont-even-know-you-have/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Kind of Racism You Don’t Even Know You Have&lt;/a&gt;’ &amp;lt;~~~ (I don't know why it doesn't look like one, but this is a link. Perhaps its just my monitor.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is not the responsibility of minorities (people of color, gay,&#xA;  trans, etc.) to educate you or to forgive you every time you have&#xA;  another, and another, and another lapse. It is your responsibility to&#xA;  take the initiative to do better on your own. How? Read black (or gay,&#xA;  or trans, or feminist) writers. Listen to their voices. When they are&#xA;  talking, do not knee-jerk and say something defensive in response.&#xA;  Just. Listen. The only time it’s acceptable to say something in&#xA;  response is if you’re going to take what you learned from that&#xA;  marginalized community or person, and use it to further the&#xA;  conversation and help educate other white people (or heterosexual&#xA;  people, or cisgender people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So  your answer lies  there, and much of it in your own words already. You don’t want to put people off learning about issues around race, but you can’t do it for them. &#xA;So sugar the pill a little with a compliment before you tell them what you have told us, unequivocally, and then stick to your position, perhaps something like this, or something paraphrased from the Sirois’s blog:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It’s cool that you’re interested, more people should be. But if you&#xA;  really want to know about this stuff there’s a road you have to travel&#xA;  and I can’t be your short cut. You’ve got to do some reading,&#xA;  listening and thinking about what you read and hear. You’re probably&#xA;  going to feel uncomfortable with some of it and need to take time&#xA;  coming to terms with some of what you find before you get to where&#xA;  talking to me will help either of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they push, you need to hold to that: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It doesn’t help either of us to start from here&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you will &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; need to decide is how you will respond if people go away and do just enough reading to come back and complain that white privilege never did a thing for them….&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T16:38:25.443" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T16:38:25.443" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13133" CreationDate="2018-04-13T15:25:44.790" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in a similar situation.  I was not making any progress with the instructor and we were not getting on, but I did not want to say to him 'This isn't working, 'I'm finding someone else''.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I did was, I just said that I was going off to uni (you can invent another excuse) and you just say that you will pick up lessons again if and when you have free time because you won't have any free time due to this change in your life.  Then you just pick up the phone and go straight to another instructor.  This time ask your friends and family who have passed their driving test who their driving instructor was and if he or she is recommended: this is what I did second time round.  Whilst I was driving around with the new instructor a few months later, the old one see me whilst he was on a lesson with another student and just smiled at me.  Honestly, he probably doesn't care.  This is your life and your money, you can't just short-change yourself because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings: well, if you have failed 3 times, he needs to try harder. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16704" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T15:25:44.790" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13133" CreationDate="2018-04-13T17:04:17.540" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This doesn't sound like a problem with you, but with the instructor. You say you've failed the test 3 times and this particular instructor doesn't have a good track record with getting his students to pass? Furthermore &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;your friends and colleagues have all said that their driving&#xA;  instructors took them over the test routes, however your driving&#xA;  instructor has still not done this with you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why would a driving instructor not want to take their students on the test route so they can practice the test beforehand to increase their chances of passing? This sounds like the instructor is purposely doing a bad job and/or being lazy. He knows, if his student, AKA you, fails the test, they have to take more lessons with him. He has no incentive for you to pass, failing is much more in his favor. You've been with him for 3 years and that's a constant source of income for him. He's using you and others like you as a cash cow and that's his bottom line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be stern and simply say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I no longer want to take your lessons because your teaching style does&#xA;  not work for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No reason to feel bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14219" LastEditorUserId="14219" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T20:39:59.127" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T20:39:59.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13119" CreationDate="2018-04-13T18:12:32.883" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe cultural differences can play a big part in this issue. In some cultures it is not acceptable to say you don't understand, that someone may be making a mistake or simply to give no as an answer. I have heard a nice tip on dealing with Chinese people some time ago. Someone who worked there a lot said to never ask a question in a way that it should be answered with yes or no. I you want to know if someone can do a certain job in time, you cannot ask if he can do it, but instead you should ask &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; he intends to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend reading some articles and books on the subject. I have read some articles about the 'culture map' by Erin Meyer, this seemed like a very complete and practical book on the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T18:12:32.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13139" CreationDate="2018-04-13T18:25:12.243" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest just criticizing it directly, but without a trace of racism in your comment. Like this:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'Hmmm, that sounds a bit racist to me'.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This cannot be interpreted as racist, and I also don't see how any reasonable person can be offended by this. Not everybody is reasonable though. There are also people who believe that it is not possible to discriminate white people in a dominantly white country, so you could very well end up in a discussion on that topic. If you are not sure you can deal with such a discussion in a patient and respectful way, without saying anything that could possibly be interpreted as racist, it is better to just not talk about it. You don't want your colleagues to think that you are (or even may be) a racist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T20:59:18.880" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T20:59:18.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13155" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-13T18:34:07.297" Score="3" ViewCount="408" Body="&lt;p&gt;I enjoy a healthy discussion. People may trip over various random aspects of my statements that I didn't consider and object which allows me to (1) learn how to formulate better next time and (2) consider different perspectives on the issue that I didn't think of before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over time, I think I became decent at this little game, because instead of objecting and allowing me to learn people start to more and more adopt my views. (Despite them not necessarily being correct, they apparently just seem very convincing.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually enjoy the objection/discussion part a lot more, because I get this feeling of improvement/learning from it. Thus, my solution to that was to shift to (1) more extreme views (easier to object) and (2) more ethical topics (you can always argue here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both are kind of bad. The extreme views (1) are not necessarily my actual opinion, which is usually quite liberal [and if I do manage to convince somebody...]. Ethical topics (2) turn out to be quite hard to discuss because most people just (semi-blindly) follow the first reasonable sounding view presented to them. Hence, I am looking for alternative strategies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this question, my goal is to: Encourage people to critically analyze my arguments/statements and object them so that I can achieve the feeling of improvement/learning and (hopefully) improve my views and communication skills in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I am not looking for a solution along the lines of saying &quot;can you please try to find a flaw in my arguments&quot;. I can only do this in very specific situations (e.g. journal clubs, discussion rounds, ...) and with specific people (that also enjoy arguments) so I don't think this is generally applicable [feel free to object xD]. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I am looking for ways to &lt;em&gt;implicitly&lt;/em&gt; encourage this behavior towards me. That way people will actually try to convince me and not just try to do me the favor of playing along. [Not sure if I manage to communicate that idea correctly.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; This has caused confusion so I want to mention it explicitly: I am interested in &lt;em&gt;healthy&lt;/em&gt; discussions, i.e. those that are actually constructive as opposed to throwing acquisitions and emotional jabbing. Of course I sometimes encounter these (who doesn't), but I usually manage to steer the conversation into calmer waters. Potentially, because I'm simply not triggered easily by said emotional jabs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16239" LastEditorUserId="16239" LastEditDate="2018-04-14T09:38:37.800" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T09:38:37.800" Title="How do I encourage/nudge people to critically analyze my arguments in a discussion?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13155" CreationDate="2018-04-13T19:08:26.267" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is a good idea to first consider why someone might &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; want to find flaws in your argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's list a few:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They do not want to even participate (hence they follow along until you stop talking)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They just wanted to state their opinion and not debate it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They do not feel comfortable with the setting (arguing about politics while eating, for example, would be uncomfortable)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to separate this one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The discussion is emotionally-charged and the other party is not wanting to debate their ideas, but rather express their feelings&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simple fact is that no one guides their entire life based on reason and logic. Humans aren't capable of this. A lot of opinions, reasons, arguments, all stem from emotion and feelings. We sometimes can even convince ourselves that we are using &quot;logic&quot; and &quot;proof&quot;, when we are in fact, not, which is why we have a large list of &lt;a href=&quot;https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/659/03/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Logical Fallacies&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So let's go through 2 general scenarios:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Scenario 1: The other party falls into one of my categories above&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, the best solution for you is to end the discussion of the topic. Disengage if you have to. Or better, don't start an argument at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember... arguments have their time and place. Recognizing these situations is a large part of Interpersonal Skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other party does not wish to have a serious debate and help you understand them, you cannot really urge them to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you must, you can use something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know this is an emotional/controversial subject. I'm not against you and want to keep an open mind about the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might give the other party the opportunity to have a more formal discussion. If the other party still does not want to do so, don't continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And remember.... just because you want to have a formal logical debate, and the other person doesn't, does &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; make you right or better. Some people don't like debates, and there's nothing wrong with that. They are still allowed to have opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Scenario 2: The other party wants to have a debate, but isn't addressing your points:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often times, we want to have a debate, but it somehow turns into emotional squabbling. It happens. Or maybe it's still somewhat civil, but the other party still isn't challenging your side in the way you might expect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other party is in a civil, logical, debate with you, it's probably more likely they are opening to learning and helping you learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, you can try saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know we are in a debate, but I am not doing it to convince you that you are wrong. It would help me greatly if you could apply your point of view to some of the arguments I have stated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;General Tips:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Watch your tone. If you are belittling, hostile, etc, it &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; affect the other party. No one will want to help you if you sound like you don't want to be helped.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't make counter arguments to the other parties counter arguments, at least not immediately. Instead, try letting them know that you see where they are coming from and offer your point of view. For example, instead of saying &quot;You're wrong because of [Scientific Evidence X]&quot;, say &quot;I don't see it like that because of a source I found that shows [Scientific Evidence X]&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it clear that you're arguing because &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; want to have a better understanding and also help others understand your viewpoint, without making it seem like you are trying to &quot;educate&quot; others. In other words, don't try to make yourself seem like the teacher, but instead promote an equal-to-equal conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2018-04-13T20:59:36.240" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T20:59:36.240" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13139" CreationDate="2018-04-13T19:41:43.243" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;That's a no-win game: people--all people--don't like being judged, and sharing your &quot;offendedness&quot; is going to cause people to bristle.   Period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no secret code for condemning what someone just said and maintaining the relationship in the same state.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone says something so egregious that you feel like you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to speak up, by all means go for it:  but your relationship will be forever altered, and you'll have to understand that going in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You certainly have no obligation to participate in such conversations.  In emotionally close relationships it can make sense to address the kind of discomfort you're speaking of, but mostly through the context of maintaining the relationship, not stigmatizing the other person's views.   I will usually find a way to politely excuse myself and leave when these kinds of conversations become extended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The world is filled with all kinds of people, and there are some that you're going to have to work with, or go to school with.  You're not going to fix them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2065" LastActivityDate="2018-04-13T19:41:43.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13026" CreationDate="2018-04-13T21:45:37.097" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is entirely dependent on how well you actually know the group and to be blunt you will need to be very good friends with at least one person beforehand otherwise things won't go down well. I would probably prepare by messaging one of the girls in advance and becoming friends. On the plus side if you are a little bit younger e.g teens, then this should be slightly easier as everyone will be slightly involved with their phone while you try and join the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In one of my Spanish classes I am the only boy with 24 or so girls and the best way is to engage with everyone/ as many as you feel comfortable with if you want people to reciprocate positive interactions. As Jay has said already, make sure you don't make a big thing out of joining a group, make sure it is subtle and natural. Either way without or with a good amount of confidence in yourself this is not an easy thing to do, in fact I would say it is the hardest and personally I don't bother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10429" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-14T04:45:43.210" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T04:45:43.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13163" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13182" CreationDate="2018-04-14T04:04:14.007" Score="8" ViewCount="1612" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an important exam coming up and a few friends in my class want me to sit with them. Normally I would, but I'm worried about this group distracting me while I'm writing the exam. I won't discuss my reasons here, although I admit some of them are irrational (I have OCD).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like sitting up in front of the classroom because I can easily ask the prof questions during the exam, so that's what I'm planning to do. However, I'm worried about my friends coming up before the exam and asking me to sit with them (this happened at a previous exam). Last time I just refused, and some of them were a bit annoyed with me (relations for the next few weeks seemed somewhat worse, although that could just be me). In addition, the encounter distracted me a bit while I was taking the exam (it was in the back of my mind that I shouldn't have been so rude, and because of me maybe they're annoyed and not doing as well on the exam).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this happens at this exam, I could just say I like sitting up front and having my space. There's two problems here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They could again become annoyed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One or more of them might move up and sit beside me.  If this happens, it would be rude for me to leave.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is how to sit by myself, while keeping relations fully in tact, and ensuring none of them decide to move and sit beside me. I've thought about telling them a day or two before the exam, although this might come off as weird. I've also considered just sucking it up and sitting next to them right off the bat, although this isn't really ideal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12847" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-09-28T21:13:38.690" LastActivityDate="2019-10-02T17:58:09.363" Title="How to avoid sitting with friends during an exam" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13164" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13163" CreationDate="2018-04-14T04:21:54.883" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you simply told the truth, including your OCD, and that it could have a negative impact on your exam result?  Unless they have been given a valid reason, it's unlikely that they're going to honour your request, especially having them get sulky last time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, it's up to you decide whether your success is more important in the longer term.  If your friends will not respect your wishes, and this could have a negative impact on your results then you need to decide whether these people really are friends.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply state your request, give your reasons as to why this is important in the context of impacting your results.  They can either accept that or reject it.  If they reject it, then it's not rude for you to move away from them in the exam room if they choose to sit next to you.  It was them disrespecting your wishes that was the rude action here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8641" LastEditorUserId="8641" LastEditDate="2018-04-14T05:07:33.797" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T05:07:33.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13166" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13173" CreationDate="2018-04-14T05:59:27.893" Score="9" ViewCount="2325" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just recently, my closest friend's brother knowingly sexually harassed me just about a year after he previously forced a kiss on me. It never was too difficult to hang out with my best friend when he was around, as long as he kept a manageable distance of course. However now, I can't stand to be around him and I don't want this to affect my best friend and I's friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best friend (which we will call Alice) and I have been best friends for four years now, and I have no plans on that ending any time soon. Her brother (which we will call Dave) has always had a thing for me. Even though I am bisexual, I've never shared feelings for him. Nor have I ever been friends with Dave. I've always found him creepy. What he's done to me, even though I have made it clear that I do not hold any feelings for him at all, has sealed my opinion on him as being creepy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want to know is: &lt;strong&gt;How do I tell Alice that I don't feel comfortable being around her brother, and how do I prevent it from affecting our friendship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this will limit the amount of time we have to spend together when she's not able to make it to my place and her brother is there. I also want to know how I should tell her that her brother sexually harassed me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16721" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-14T09:57:37.987" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T12:28:03.497" Title="How do I tell my best friend that her brother sexually harassed me and that I don't want to hang out with her when he's around anymore?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;sexual-harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13166" CreationDate="2018-04-14T08:12:34.297" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The context of mentioning your bisexuality leaves two options: either you are male (and don't really advertise that you also have a thing for men) or female and openly lesbian (and don't really advertise that you also have a thing for men).  Your moniker would point somewhat more in the &quot;male&quot; direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, your personal boundaries have been violated but the dynamics expected from your reaction and the sympathies you might be able to gather will be different.  So it might be well worth clarifying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How does your friend's brother know you are bisexual?  Did it come up in conversation or may this be your friend's (likely innocent) fault of mentioning it and thus prompting him from trying out advances he can now excuse as not known to be unwelcome?  Did you react unambiguously offended and/or have explicitly stated this to be the case?  Does your friend know this?  All of this is important in relation to the flimsiness of excuses he can fabricate for justifying his behavior to himself and to your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also important because your friend will have significant contact with her brother to come and also be talking with him without you as reference, so you want the actual facts and actual things being unambiguously said to be solid: everything open to opinion is likely to be told differently by you and her brother even though he'd know it to be bullshit when talking to your face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The one thing that's definite that you do not want any more interaction with her brother.  If you tell her only that, she'll want to hear reasons, and if she does not get them from you, she'll get them from her brother.  And he will first try to figure out what you told her, and then put out a version of his that is sort-of compatible with that.  Which will likely amount to you acting hysterically and blowing things out of proportion.  So the amount of things you tell your friend should be solid enough not to leave her with that interpretation and make her question her respect for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16724" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T08:12:34.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13169" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-14T08:27:43.683" Score="6" ViewCount="1717" Body="&lt;p&gt;Long post ahead, I will try to tell the story from my point of view, mainly because I'm not really sure about what's going on in the head of the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few years ago I used to date this girl, let's call her Mary. After 1 year she decided that I was not really her type and we both moved on without keeping in touch. Nothing weird up to this moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Several year passed and around 1 year ago I found this girl at my company, Mary was offered an internship position. We were working in different buildings, in different teams and different projects so there was basically no professional contact between us. She told me that her life at the company up to that point had been miserable, mostly because she felt unwelcome by her coworkers and technically overwhelmed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just out of kindness I tried to help Mary learning some technical concepts and tried to keep her company during lunch so we naturally got a bit closer again. At this point I think it's important to say that I had (and still have) a girlfriend, and I let Mary know immediately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not really sure if Mary got interested in me during those days or if she was just looking for new friends but she frequently tried to meet me outside of my office hours. For instance a few times I told her I had a plan to go running after work and she self-invited herself to come with me. After the training she tried to plan more activities together (dinner, meeting with other friends, going to a club) but I always declined, making clear that I was not interested and especially that I didn't want to go out without my girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When her internship ended, Mary moved to a different city. At that point she started to text me daily about how she was unhappy there, how hard it was to make now friends and how much she missed our city. I was not really interested in hearing her complaints or be friends with her but I felt bad for her and tried to be friendly and let her vent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few week passed and I had to go to a professional one-day event in a town quite close to the city where she had moved and unfortunately I told her about it. She self-invited herself again and spent all the time there with me. I was even a bit annoyed by her behavior at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When going back to my home city in the night Mary started texting me about how wonderful had been spending the day together and how in her opinion we would make a great couple. At this point I answered very explicitly that I didn't feel in the same way and that I was in love with my girlfriend. She got extremely angry, telling me that I deceived her into thinking I was interested in her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point we arrive to the current situation. Mary texts me 2/3 times a week telling me that she loves me and wants to be with me. I tell her that I'm not interested. She gets angry and invents a new hypothesis to explain why I behaved like that (deceiving her and all). At the moment her best hypothesis are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I tried to take revenge on her because she left me years ago&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I tried to make her suffer just because I am a sadist&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I tried to turn her into my lover&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I tried to keep her as a &quot;spare tire&quot; in case I break up with my girlfriend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am in love with her but I'm just a coward and don't want to leave my girlfriend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am in love with her but I can't understand it because I'm stupid&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am just plain stupid and I don't understand that my behavior is a an obvious give away that I'm interested and now I have to give her a chance&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course there are many many more. If I give her an explanation of why her hypothesis are not true she seems to understand and accept the explanation just to repeat the same pattern and accusations a few days later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course this kind of behavior gets old very quickly so I got more and more exasperated at the point of telling her that I don't want to hear her anymore and that I want her to stop texting me. One day she felt so angry that she insulted me and deleted my number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following day I was away from my office and my coworkers told me that somebody was insistently calling my number. I immediately messaged her asking if it was her and she confirmed that she was trying to reach me (or someone who knows me) to get my number back. Now I made very clear to her that I don't want her to call me back at my workplace or to text me anymore on my personal phone but she still reaches out to me twice a week to say how sorry she is and that she just wants to be friends and there may be a great future together. If I try to make her understand that her behavior is completely unacceptable her answer is that &quot;a girl in love has a right for happiness&quot; or something along these lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also tried not answering her messages any more but in that case what she does is calling me non-stop, sometimes even for hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation is become exhausting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want now is to be left alone by this person. I don't want to get the police/law involved both because she has not be &lt;em&gt;so&lt;/em&gt; aggressive and also because I don't want to risk ruining her life just because maybe it's a difficult moment for her. At the same time I'm not really sure about what else I can do now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I get her to stop this madness and leave me alone? Best case scenario I would like to make her &quot;calm down&quot;, because I don't want to hear her screaming at me if I were to meet her in the street or somewhere else, is there something I can say or do to achieve this result?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5048" LastEditorUserId="5048" LastEditDate="2018-04-15T09:53:22.907" LastActivityDate="2018-04-15T09:53:22.907" Title="Ex-girlfriend is obsessing about me, how to stop the madness?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-14T15:42:37.230" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13133" CreationDate="2018-04-14T09:15:23.050" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why do you need to tell your instructor that you want to change instructors anyway?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is stopping you from just discontinuing with any further payments and leaving?  You don't have to give the instructor a reason.  And if he asks you still don't have to give a reason.  It's the same with any product or service that you find unsatisfactory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a similar experience while learning to drive during the late eighties.  Besides gouging me financially, my instructor was not imparting the necessary confidence, skills and knowledge needed to get me through the test.  Neither did he have much in the way of interpersonal skills and could be somewhat unpleasant.  He clearly saw me a kind of cash cow, there to be strung along as long as possible, all the while me being &quot;not quite ready&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still being young and somewhat unassertive, I too resorted to telling a white lie about getting a job in another area so that I could cut ties with him and quit.  What was more difficult was obtaining a refund given that I had booked a block of lessons in advance.  I got it eventually, but not without him telling me how my driving will suffer, and how he is the best and most consistent instructor in the area, ad absurdum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I quit and went with another instructor, who was not grasping and manipulative, and with whom I ended up passing the test.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16727" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T09:15:23.050" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13172" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13192" CreationDate="2018-04-14T12:14:21.100" Score="8" ViewCount="1337" Body="&lt;p&gt;Long story short, I never had friends, and didn't know how to make any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 2nd generation Indian, raised in the USA, if that's relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only recently I have few hi-bye friends from office (who came from India 15 years ago) because they seem interested in my artwork (which is themed from Indian subcontinent).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than that I either work, or stay home and take care of my elderly dad.&#xA;And I'm hoping to go for higher education (just to improve myself and be productive).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I have an aunt who feels sorry for me, and she asks me to outings once in a while. There is upcoming parade in city where we live and few months she asked me if I wanted to attend.  Of course I want to attend, but with people who value my company, not someone who feels sorry for me. Originally I said yes. Now I know she is going to ask again because parade is about 2 weeks away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to say no tactfully. And how to say it so that she never asks again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12671" LastEditorUserId="3981" LastEditDate="2018-04-16T13:22:52.607" LastActivityDate="2018-04-16T15:23:48.987" Title="How can I decline an invitation from someone who is only asking because she feels sorry for me?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13166" CreationDate="2018-04-14T12:28:03.497" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, sexual harassment is not OK. It never is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, to avoid this situation, you wish to see as little as possible of Dave as you can. Simply tell Alice, but do so in a manner that describes how you feel and not what your opinion of him is. This may or may not include your fears about your friendship with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a moment when you are both comfortable and relaxed, whether at your place or hers, obviously without Dave being arouund. Her place is best, because that is where she is probably most comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Listen Alice, I have to tell you something. It's about Dave. Or rather, it's about me. You know, I feel more than a bit uncomfortable an unsafe when he's around. I really don't want this to get between you and me, but I think Dave has a thing for me. I've told Dave that I have absolutely no feelings for him but lately it has been getting to the point that I feel a little stressed out whenever he is around. I may be looking at ghosts, but that's the way I feel. So could we please stop hanging out at your place whenever there's a chance that Dave is around? Maybe it will just fade away if we let it rest for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There, nothing was said that could cause Alice to feel forced to take sides in the matter. You simply stated your wish and why it is important to you. You held back quite a bit of information to be honest but that's excusable as you do not want to get into a round of victim finding and blaming at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we get to Dave. I'm assuming that Dave is a private harasser, that is his behavior towards you changes when you are alone together. If so, it is vital (for your own healing) that you confront him and assert your limits and do this in no uncertain terms. Don't be afraid, he has no power over you, he is just the brother of a friend. So, whenever you find yourselves alone with him and he does it again:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look Dave, stop that! You are seriously crossing my limits here by [demeaning/insulting/entering my private space/intimidating/suggesting/harassing] me and you know it. And it's not like this is the first time. (Optional: I don't want you, never did, never will). Back off!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't threaten, don't leave it hanging with a question. Say it with gusto and quite a bit of anger. Any retorts are countered by simply walking away or turning your back and refusing to talk other than reiterating your viewpoint, even if it is a lame and possibly insincere apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is okay for Alice to witness that you and Dave are at odds now, which you can explain with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dave and I had an argument. Dave [did/said] something I took offense&#xA;  to and I told him off. (Optional: he did not take that too kindly.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No details, just the facts of the situation. Dave may downplay the argument when he is talking privately about what happened with his sister but there is nothing you can do about that. At the very least she now realizes that your feelings about the situation between you and her brother are sincere and still isn't forced by you to choose between the two of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, she may want to know what is really going down between Dave and you. Then you face a choice, whether to tell her or not. The choice is a tough one because telling about sexual harassment frequently does not end well for the victim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not telling:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's between me and Dave. Whenever you are not around, Dave [says/does] things I don't appreciate. Don't worry, I've got a handle on it now. I still don't feel comfortable or safe around him, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No details, just reiterate your wish to stay clear of Dave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I don't know. It is Dave's word against mine. Whenever you are not around, he [makes suggestive remarks, like ../comes sit next to me, like really close/calls me names, such as .../other observable behavior]. Because it concerns my sexuality and I don't want it, it is like it amounts to, you know, sexual harassment. I feel I did nothing to entice him to [do/say] these kinds of things. I have no idea whether Dave knows that this is against the law, but I don't want to press charges or anything. I've told him to stop it (optional: repeatedly), but he just won't back off. That's why I want to avoid him. I hope you understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as an afterthought:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to become between you and your brother. He'll just say that it is all a misunderstanding and that I am overreacting. Maybe some of that is true, but I cannot help feel the way I feel about this, I just want it to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am afraid that it is up to Alice at this point on the follow up, if any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more thing, there is a risk that the confrontation with Dave leads to violence. Do not initiate or strike preemptively! Flee, defend or endure it. Do not counter attack! Afterwards, file charges immediately. As it turns out Dave is a real creep. That may well be the end of your friendship with Alice though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T12:28:03.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13174" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13169" CreationDate="2018-04-14T13:03:07.940" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Of course there are many many more. If I give her an explanation of why her hypothesis are not true &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're arguing rationally with someone who seems to be (at the moment) completely emotional and obsessed. This won't work. &lt;strong&gt;Any attention you give her will fan the flames.&lt;/strong&gt; Even negative attention like telling her to go away, or when you get angry at her, is still attention! If she's able to piss you off, she still has some degree of emotional control over you, and that will feed her delusions...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, the best is to block her completely, stop all communications, and wait until she runs out of motivation. Thus, this isn't really an &quot;interpersonal&quot; answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, texting her after she called your office was a huge mistake: from her point of view, you initiated communication again! So she must be on the right track! You've probably given her enough motivation to annoy you for an extra month or two just by doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you should inform your colleagues that you got a psycho ex problem. If she calls the company phone number and a secretary picks up the phone, then the secretary needs to be briefed to give an appropriate reply (for example, that you're filing for a restraining order, and please don't call again). If she has your direct office phone number, then sucks to be you, you're going to have to change it or block her number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't forget to document everything, back up the texts in triplicate, make copies of any letters, etc, just in case she accuses you of sexual harrassment or something. Whether you decide to report her to THE LAW is up to you (personally I wouldn't, unless she sticks a knife in your car tyres or something).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T13:03:07.940" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13095" CreationDate="2018-04-14T13:03:29.223" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe the real problem here isn't that your wife has started an emotional affair, but that she continues it after she was caught. This is not only extremely rude, it also shows that she does not value you or your marriage at this point. Maybe her depression not over yet,and it may play a key-role in your relationship problems, the following links show that it is a very common problem.&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/antonio-borrello-phd/is-depression-destroying-_b_8141292.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/antonio-borrello-phd/is-depression-destroying-_b_8141292.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://healthunlocked.com/mental-health-support/posts/130626710/depression-and-relationships&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://healthunlocked.com/mental-health-support/posts/130626710/depression-and-relationships&lt;/a&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like mentioned in the other answers, I also think it is very important that you talk to your wife about this, but to find the right way to handle the situation, it is important to know &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; your wife has lost interest in you and your marriage.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibility 1 is that she lost hope because you have been treating her very bad for too long. Even when you have changed completely, it can take a long time before she is confident that the changed you is here to stay, and you will not go back to your old habits after some days or weeks. The only way to solve this is to stay patient and keep shower her it is different now, and keep helping her/giving her attention.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibility 2 is that she has lost respect for you and does not see you as a good partner anymore. (Possibly due to her depression, this is a key symptom) she only sees the negative things about you and your marriage. She may take you for granted, and think she can do whatever she wants and you are not strong enough to leave her anyway. If this is the case, then taking the blame for something that is not (entirely) your fault, and putting extra effort in the relationship will only make it worse because it confirms her idea that you are weak or not worth the effort.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have very little information to base my conclusions on, and it only tells one side of the story, so you really need to find out what is going on yourself, but I have the impression that case 2 applies here. My reasons are the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You seem like a very loving husband, I find it hard to imagine that you were treating her worse than she is treating you now.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It fits very well with the symptoms of a depression: only seeing the bad things, finding an escape in gaming and affairs, it is all in the articles.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Her behavior: saying 'you are trying too hard' rather than 'you need to keep this up a lot longer before i can trust you again', and because she doesn't seem to care about hurting you by staying in this affair, right under your nose.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is really case 2 that is going on, the better approach may be to reduce your efforts, and focus on things that you like to do, and to tell her that you love her, you want to make this marriage work, but you cannot do it without her. Tell her that you will give her some space, and she needs to think about whether her marriage is worth it. If she thinks it is worth it, she needs to come to you, and show she means it by ending her affair immediately, and put a lot more effort in making the marriage work.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the people here seem to know a lot more about psychology than me, please comment on my answer and let me know what you think about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-04-14T15:23:02.727" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T15:23:02.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13176" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13185" CreationDate="2018-04-14T13:21:36.083" Score="8" ViewCount="911" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live on the fourth floor of a building that's shaped a bit like a T, and I live on the inside edge of the top of the T. One of my neighbours, who lives in my side of the long edge of the T, on the second floor, has recently (within a couple of months) started smoking out of what I can assume to be his bedroom window. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I like to keep my window open all the time (including in Winter!) to get fresh air, and the cool breeze helps me sleep. Unfortunately, the smoke from his cigarettes drifts all the way up to my window, and fills my room with the smell. Bearing in mind I am a student in a shared flat (in a non-student building), I spent most of my time working in my room instead of shared spaces, since that's where my desktop is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that a) I don't like the smell of cigarettes, b) I don't really like the idea that I'm breathing it several times a day and during the night; he does it quite a lot and c) when he's finished he throws the still lit cigarette out of the window into some grassy vegetation growing on the rocks below; I can't help but think this is a &lt;strong&gt;major&lt;/strong&gt; fire-hazard, but I could be wrong. Now, I'll add that I've never spoken to him or met him, and technically his part of the building is an annex that I actually can't get to anyways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How am I able to ask, politely, if he could please move to the front of the building (where there is only tarmac outside) or go outside to smoke (and stop littering) where my only means of communication with him is out a window, across two floors? I don't know what room number corresponds to the window, as I can't get into that part of the building.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just to add, I can, of course, simply close the window whenever he does it, and I do, but that's a waste of my time and relatively annoying, and obviously, when I'm sleeping or just wake up in the night, I hardly want to get up and wake myself up completely to go and shut the window, only to need to get up again to open the window later when I can't sleep as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16730" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T01:06:34.717" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T01:06:34.717" Title="How to politely deal with smoking, within range of my window, in a block of flats?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13177" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-14T15:19:19.930" Score="12" ViewCount="982" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find that there are some situations where I am not sure whether the other person enjoys my presence enough to warrant further interaction. For example, if you meet someone during a talk at the end of a conference, talk with them for 5-10 minutes, and then get up to leave, do you wait for them and walk out with them or would they wonder why you want to walk out with them if you just met? Or if some people you met at the conference walk in line behind you while at the airport, is it acceptable to join in on their conversation? Or if some people that you just met are talking about going out with some people that they know a bit better and you're standing there awkwardly, is it acceptable to ask if you can tag along?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I fear that in these situations, if I do act, then they may think something along the lines of &quot;I barely know this guy, why is he (any of the above or similar actions)?&quot; Most people will say yes to be nice the first couple times, but I don't want to be with/inconvenience them if they'll be thinking the above text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16731" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T12:18:40.637" Title="How to tell if you're being too clingy or inviting yourself unnecessarily?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13095" CreationDate="2018-04-14T15:24:10.947" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I started to hold my wife more, hug and kiss her. Gave her more attention. After a few weeks, she told me I was trying too hard. That I was suffocating her and not giving her enough space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Were all the things that you state in this above quote things you did before you had kids and things were better from your perspective?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because often in situations like this, people do what you did here which is overcompensate. You decided that doing things that would stereotypically be associated with “romance” somehow had to be kicked up a notch to solve issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you I would figure out how to do fun things together with your wife. Even with your children. And if the children are a burden to this? Then hire a babysitter and slot in more “us” time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do things as a couple that are not sexual but a partnership and I will state they must be outside of the home:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go outside together and simply take more walks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go and do something interesting like see a movie, go to a museum or a concert together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are there short—but fun—classes nearby that you could take as a couple? Maybe cooking, home improvement or something art related?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is the deal: If your wife is spending that much time online chatting about sex with strangers in an online game, she is disconnecting from you, your marriage and your life to fulfill some needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you might think hugging and using the word “love” more will heal things, those are—as I have said—clichéd things to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need to do is start to “date” your wife again. And if you are budget conscious, don’t be: Spend more money too spend more time with your wife as a partner. It’s a better long term investment than you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, and as far as the video games go, this is easy in this context: Simply tell her you want to spend more time with her outside the home. And perhaps be persistent and if things get ugly just say, “I know you like playing this game but I would rather spend more time with you in the real world.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T15:24:10.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13177" CreationDate="2018-04-14T16:02:48.540" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This will be different in every situation, as people are all different, but in general, if you are in a queue and overhear conversation, you shouldn't join in unless invited. Exceptions may include specific topics that mention you, mutual fans of sports teams etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just meet some people and they are about to head out with friends, assume you are not invited so say your goodbye. You may find they then ask you if you do want to come along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are having a one to one conversation and it is not yet finished, then continuing to talk as you leave should be fine. You could ask, though, in order to definitely get an answer. Something like, &quot;I'm really interested in your viewpoint on this. Shall we continue the discussion over a coffee/beer/whatever?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T16:02:48.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13169" CreationDate="2018-04-14T16:19:53.173" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds as if you were the first person who has been nice to her in quite some time and she's doing everything in her power to keep you in her life because she doesn't know when the next 'nice guy' is going to come around. She started with inviting herself to things to get more involved in your life, and now she has resorted to emotional manipulation; she's in love with and you're a bad person for not loving her back. Thankfully her emotional manipulation is not working on you as you seem unswayed by the guilt she's trying to make you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So she really doesn't sound like someone who will back off voluntarily; she's too desperate. If she does back off, it's not for very long. Before deleting your number there was a pattern of her switching between backing off and accusing you of &quot;deceiving her&quot; or otherwise. This pattern will most likely continue if you give her a second chance and stay in contact with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So cut off all contact with her. Don't just ignore her words, don't let them reach you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Block her number at home, work and on your mobile. Make sure your girlfriend does this too in case Mary decides to harass her too. You don't want her to be able to leave voicemails or send texts.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Block her on all social media, if you haven't already. Prevent her from seeing any of your online profiles.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea of this is to strip her of the power of her words. If she knows you're reading her texts or emails or hearing her voicemails, she knows she is still having some sort of impact on you, even if you're not replying. If you cut off contact she might start to realise that any sort of relationship with you is not possible anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she persists and starts showing up or your doorstep or at your work place to harass you, you may want to get police/law involved. I understand you don't want to do this right now but keep it as a last resort option. What she is doing can constitute for &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harassment&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;harassment&lt;/a&gt; that she can be prosecuted for, depending on the laws in your country. &lt;a href=&quot;https://crimevictimshelpline.ie/coping-crime/coping-harassment&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;Click here and scroll down to see &amp;quot;What can you do?&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;This&lt;/a&gt; is a good site from Ireland that suggests:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep a written record of every incident.&lt;/strong&gt; Write down the time and place of the incident, with as much detail as possible, and note down any person who saw what happened and who may be a witness in any criminal proceedings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep all texts, voicemails, emails&lt;/strong&gt; or screenshots of social media comments, as they will be useful in any investigation that may take place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you don't want to take legal action, the threat of you bringing her to court could scare her into backing off and leaving you alone. If she's not scared by legal action then I suggest you do take her to court for harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15990" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T16:19:53.173" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13163" CreationDate="2018-04-14T17:57:33.627" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let them know a reason for your behavior.&#xA;I'm getting the feeling that you'd prefer to work in isolation, so as not to distract yourself. Perhaps say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey friends, FYI, when we go into the exam, I'm going to try to find a seat in the front away from the crowd, maybe with one or two randos around me. It's the closest I can get to feeling like I'm working alone, and that helps me concentrate. So, please don't think I'm acting weird towards you. Let's meet up afterwards, okay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If instead you don't tell them a reason, and get up and move away, your behavior is open to interpretation. As far as you know, they could be wondering if you suspect them of cheating or if you're annoyed by them. You need to communicate your test taking ritual to have it be accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also petition for a different exam taking situation through your school's disability resources. I've had plenty of friends do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8357" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T17:57:33.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13172" CreationDate="2018-04-14T21:21:27.493" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to answer is like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Greeting&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get to the subject&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;About the invitation to [thing], &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Propose the issue&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel that my company is not truly wanted and is only requested out of some sort of misguided pity.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain why it is an issue&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;While I appreciate your invitation, I am uncomfortable with coming while knowing the circumstances of my presence are as they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Draw a conclusion&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As such I am sorry but I am not able to come to [thing],&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear that this is also valid for future invitations&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and this will also be the case with future such occasions as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feel free to substitute any parts you wish since I made a point of giving a rough skeleton of what your answer should be so it can be adapted to most languages and cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HOWEVER, before telling her something along these lines, be ABSOLUTELY sure that these are in fact her motives and she has no interest in spending time with you otherwise. Because if she actually want to also spend time with you, this will turn from a polite message to one hurtful low blow real fast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11747" LastEditorUserId="11747" LastEditDate="2018-04-14T21:31:35.463" LastActivityDate="2018-04-14T21:31:35.463" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13177" CreationDate="2018-04-14T21:37:23.983" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I fear that in these situations, if I do act, then they may think something along the lines of &quot;I barely know this guy, why is he (any of the above or similar actions)?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, you do care about others being well, I think this is a very noble trait. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The examples you offer do not seem intrusive to me, you already made contact at the conference, and they always have the choice to withdraw from the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could offer meta-communicative questions like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mind me joining your conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to get an official invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Waiting for them, you could say something along&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, did you attend last years XY conference at Sydney, too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... which would probably be understood as a friendly and interested way to keep the contact going - in my experience, most people do value this, and if there are specific reasons that they prefer not to, they’ll find ways to let you know in a friendly and polite manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO, the awkward feeling you describe is a by-product of social interactions with strangers for about 85% of humankind (the other 15% being on the far end of the extraversion-scale will experience this when not in contact with others ;-))&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’d recommend “taming” this feeling by...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;interacting with strangers just for the sake of it&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;make it your goal of eliciting a (small) “no” response from strangers at will every day.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second suggestion can teach us a great deal: What it takes to get a no, how friendly and politely most people decline requests (use this to learn declining gracefully!), and how people look and talk when they decline. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will train yourself to decode nonverbal cues of acceptance and declining that will serve you when joining in a conversation with people you barely know etc. and thus make you more secure and confident around people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you will experience that being told “no” feels a bit awkward at first, and then starts being less important every time you get that response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="9437" LastEditDate="2018-04-15T04:38:04.127" LastActivityDate="2018-04-15T04:38:04.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13176" CreationDate="2018-04-14T22:34:14.680" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How am I able to, politely, if he could please move to the front of the building (where there is only tarmac outside) or go outside to smoke (and stop littering) where my only means of communication with him is out a window, across two floors?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’d like to highlight two essential points in my answer, 1 is the nature of your request, 2 is another mean of communication rather than shouting from window to window.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Unless there’s a regulation in place that disallows smoking, &lt;strong&gt;you are technically asking for a favor.&lt;/strong&gt; This implies a strategy for appealing to the other person in a way that increases the probability of being granted the favor.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Instead of talking from window to window, let me suggest writing a nice and polite letter pointing out your situation and asking for a change.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you probably do not know the person’s name, you might copy the letter and put it into every mailbox - or a subset of mailboxes belonging to the apartments in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, you would address the issue with the person in question without discussing it from window to window over two floors. And at the same time you’d raise awareness with the other tenants that might suffer the same problem and start to support your effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can’t stress enough to keep the letter really nice, because your goal is to avoid offending the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this context, I’d recommend...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;NOT prescribing specifically what to do instead (“... go to the front of the building to smoke!”)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;NOT asking to never smoke&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;NOT telling where to put the cigarette-ends instead,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;because, though technically you might be right, the other person may experience reactance, which would lower the probability of behavioral change in your favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to include your email address so the smoking person can answer and discuss the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="7354" LastEditDate="2018-04-16T09:36:43.213" LastActivityDate="2018-04-16T09:36:43.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13187" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13176" CreationDate="2018-04-15T01:35:08.457" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me just spit out a list of options that I think you should try in this order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1. Check The Rules For Your Building&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of times, smoking outside of the window of an apartment is against the buildings' rules or even the lease. Look at your lease, and maybe some general rules and whatnot, or ask someone who maintains/works-at the building.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If smoking like he is doing is not allowed, simply file a report with his room number. If you have to, do it multiple times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. File a Complaint&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, so maybe there's no rule against it, but that could be because the building owner simply hasn't thought of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Write a complaint for the company that owns/rents the building. They may be able to make him stop or at least ask him to (which is better than you doing it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mention the littering problem. As far as I know, most grass/plants really won't ignite easily unless they are very dry and concentrated. You said they were planted on rocks which makes it even less dangerous. So don't mention fire hazard, but do mention littering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, keep the complaint concise and focused, not a rant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3. Ask him not to smoke through his window&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fair warning, this probably won't work. Best chance you'll have is if you ask it politely and just say it's stinking up your apartment. Even better if you ask him to go outside to smoke during certain hours. But still, slim chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't get mad and just say how it's getting into your apartment, he might cooperate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;4. Get a Fan and Candle&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Light a candle, get a window fan. Put the fan in the window, blowing out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll still get &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; fresh air, the candle will &lt;em&gt;mostly&lt;/em&gt; null the smell, and the smoke will &lt;em&gt;mostly&lt;/em&gt; be blown away from your apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry you're in this situation. If there are no rules for what he's doing, well, the apartment building has decided it's his right to smoke in that area. It sucks, but it's what you agreed to. Make sure to put in a complaint when you leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your apartment simply may not care about maintaining the air. Remember this when you move out and look for a new place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastActivityDate="2018-04-15T01:35:08.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13095" CreationDate="2018-04-15T12:12:10.237" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who has been through the same motions, I can say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she might love you, but is not in love with you anymore;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the bigger problem is she neither having a full-time occupation, serious hobbies, nor a regular network of offline friends;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;as for now, she is only bidding some time: this serves a double purpose: finding someone better and not allowing you to do the same &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to salvage the relation; looking back I should have got out of it while I had my dignity and sanity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly advise getting counselling ASAP, and getting support from friends. Two or more heads think better than one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you worry about the custody of children and leaving home, believe me that when she gets more serious with someone else, she will find a way to push your buttons for it to appear you are the one leaving first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; stress out the importance of getting a network of support from friends on this situation. No matter the outcome you will need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2019-01-08T18:08:11.427" LastActivityDate="2019-01-08T18:08:11.427" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13191" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13172" CreationDate="2018-04-15T18:10:03.170" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on your response to a comment in the first answer, you seem open to considering that your aunt's motive may be more that she likes you and wants to spend more time with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is the case, understand that going to this event with her does not obligate you to attend all or any other outings after this one. And also consider that perhaps she not only likes you, but maybe she has few friends herself and your going may help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is quite a bit of evidence that helping someone else (even when it involves doing something that you really don't want to) makes you feel &quot;better.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a wonderful essay in NPR's &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://thisibelieve.org/essay/8/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;This I Believe&lt;/a&gt;&quot; that addresses this benefit.  Don't focus on the title (&quot;Always Go to the Funeral&quot;) but, instead, on what the author says about doing things that you really, REALLY don't want to.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16749" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-15T18:52:27.563" LastActivityDate="2018-04-15T18:52:27.563" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13172" CreationDate="2018-04-15T20:47:25.030" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you don't go out much, and your Aunt has invited you to an outing, and you think she only does it because she feels sorry for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stop right there&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;strong&gt;You don't know that&lt;/strong&gt;. She might be on her own and happy to have some company, or she might be going with a group of people, with the motto &quot;the more the merrier&quot;, or she might want to get closer to a distant niece. So don't cancel anything, join her, and enjoy the day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you never had friends and don't know how to make any, but I can tell you that insisting someone is only interested in you because they feel sorry is a sure way to &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; make friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if she &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; indeed invite you only because she feels sorry for you, so what? She &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; invite you. That's the thing that counts. So join her, and if it's an enjoyable day, then there are chances that the next time she invites you because she wants you there. You said you wanted to go. Guessing people's motivations is very often wrong. Assume the best, and you will get the best. Don't throw it back in her face. Don't look for reasons to avoid going out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-04-15T20:52:44.183" LastActivityDate="2018-04-15T20:52:44.183" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13176" CreationDate="2018-04-16T12:06:42.637" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is very easy, good old trick.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You make the request, explaining about your discomfort and the situation with some factual content (please don't make up reasons). Include just the facts which will not touch his ego (he may also be under some sort of mental strain).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For sure, he will do it again taking this you as weak. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep your cool, every time you see him again. Don't lose your cool, but be friendly every time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Request again intermittently, and gradually he will stop, once he is convinced your request is genuine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't expect sudden results if he is rude. Though the person is rude, he will gradually stop doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can be polite while requesting this of him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9396" LastEditorUserId="9396" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T09:42:09.327" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T09:42:09.327" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13172" CreationDate="2018-04-16T15:23:48.987" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(I see you've already accepted an (excellent!) answer, but I wanted to add a suggestion for declining should you need it in the future.)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main thing to keep in mind is that your aunt thinks she is doing a nice thing for you, even if it doesn't feel that way to you. And based on your comments, it's quite possible she simply enjoys your company and wants to spend time with you - assume good will first!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are set on declining:&lt;/strong&gt; To be tactful, it will help to acknowledge her good will and frame your conversation in a way that sounds like &quot;it's not you, it's me&quot;. If there are other reasons you don't want to go, you could use those, but you don't necessarily need to explain. Finally, express your wishes for not being invited this way in the future. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Aunt, thank you for the invitation but I've changed my mind about going to the parade. How about I let you know when I find an interesting event to go to together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This accomplishes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Declining this invitation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Not&lt;/em&gt; accusing her - keeping the conversation positive&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Taking control of arranging future outings&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, &quot;tactful&quot; and &quot;direct&quot; are often at odds, so it can help to be a little indirect to allow the other person to save face. You may need to repeat a few times, but after a few rounds of declining she should get the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't suit your style or if she persists, you can try addressing the situation directly. However, since she has not actually told you why she invites you to things, talk about that first. &lt;strong&gt;Don't make assumptions, just ask why.&lt;/strong&gt; Perhaps she will confirm your suspicion - but perhaps it is something else, like she misses you, or is lonely, or just happens to find a lot of events that she thinks you'd like. Once you know her motives, you can address the root issue and work from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal experience:&lt;/strong&gt; I have gotten such invitations because I am very introverted and what you might call a &quot;homebody&quot;. I am generally content with my social life but some people assume otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, my sister once asked me to dinner after we hadn't spent time together in a while. After I accepted she also invited a few of her friends, and at the dinner, in front of them, said she had invited me because &quot;I figured you didn't have anything else to do!&quot;. I was rather hurt hearing that, and made excuses the next few times she invited me to things with her friends, in the manner that I described above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(We eventually talked about why I didn't want to hang out with her friends, and among other things I made the mistake of directly saying that it felt like her invitations were out of pity. She felt attacked by that and the conversation did not go well - which is why I advise leading with a question instead.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;On the other hand,&lt;/strong&gt; when the person has not been explicit about pitying you, and it's something you would otherwise like to attend, I encourage you to make the most of it! Another experience: I was recently on a business trip with coworkers I didn't know well, although they all knew each other. During a break, they were making plans to go out together for dinner in front of me, and kind of awkwardly tacked on &quot;Oh... Em, do you want to go too?&quot;. I'm sure I wouldn't have been invited had I not been sitting near them, but I accepted anyways - it ended up being fun, and I have a couple of new office friends now :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-04-16T15:23:48.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13095" CreationDate="2018-04-16T15:24:55.660" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that there are various problems in your relationship to work on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your description it looks like the things are getting very complicated: she felt not loved, depression, game addiction (kids left alone to watch tv?), and now this emotional affair. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Honestly this is too much to be handled by yourselves.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal advise is to start going to a marriage counselor as soon as possible, because the more you wait, the worst will be. I can imagine she would not be so happy to go to a consuelor, since she already rejects your attentions, but try to convince her that's for saving your relationship, or at least if she can do that for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For sure the consuelor can help you to understand what's really wrong in your relationship and which are the causes of this. Only in this way you can start work on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10527" LastActivityDate="2018-04-16T15:24:55.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13177" CreationDate="2018-04-16T15:48:11.493" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are fundamentally asking two questions, that I believe have different answers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Am I inviting myself unnecessarily ?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It isn't really possible to know how other people interpret or will react to you inviting yourself in. Some people love engaging others and being engaged by anyone, whereas some prefer keeping to themselves. If you don't know much about the people you engage you can't guess what they will think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How do I tell if I'm being clingy ?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, once you engaged someone there are a few hints you can pick up to figure out wether they think you're annoying or not:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other party seems disinterested in what you say and seems to constantly concentrate on something else than you, they're probably not too eager to stay around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To realize that they aren't interested, look for the small details: Are they answering with short dismissive sentences? Do they constantly look around or pay attention to something else? Are they facing away from you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If yes, just let them be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Conclusion&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO you shouldn't be afraid to engage others for whatever reason and to invite yourself wherever you can. However be also ready to drop off and let people be as easily as possible. If you have any doubt on wherever you're bothering others, don't push your luck and step off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastEditorUserId="8590" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T09:08:50.193" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T09:08:50.193" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13210" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-16T16:03:07.303" Score="63" ViewCount="34522" Body="&lt;p&gt;Situation: I hang out with A for a while. Having lunch together, shopping for a bit. I now feel tired and I want to go home. I don't dislike the person and I don't want to give them the impression I do, but I can't enjoy hanging out with them when I'm tired and I'm not enjoyable to hang out with when I'm tired, so there isn't any value for either of us to continue at that time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I mean tired in general, not just something that would require me to rest my legs for a bit, but rather the kind of thing where I lock myself in my apartment and don't come out for the rest of the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm having trouble telling A that I would like to disengage - stating it as a matter of fact &quot;I'd like to go home now&quot; doesn't work (they want to know why). Telling them I'm tired doesn't work (they don't understand that I don't just need a rest in a café or something along those lines). Making up an excuse doesn't work (I don't like to lie and I'm not good at it anyway).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a good way to go about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Different situation, but the same thing happens when I have prior occupations like &quot;I plan to do laundry later today&quot;, I can't communicate to people that doing these things takes time and I wasn't expecting our meeting to last all day when we met up).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12241" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T17:41:38.943" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T20:46:01.360" Title="How do I politely indicate that I want to go home?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13210" CreationDate="2018-04-16T16:23:53.383" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing you can do to deal with this situation up front is to make it clear that you have a limited time line with which to do things when you meet up, or even before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey A, it's great to see you! Just to let you know, I only have 2 hours to hang out today/tomorrow/next week because I have some chores I need to get done that day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find that you are already out and are reaching the point where you need to get home to recharge, you can take a very similar approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A, I've had a lot of fun hanging out today but I think I need to head back home now. I have a few things I need to do, and I have a very busy day tomorrow. I might even try to get some extra beauty rest! Let's plan another activity soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making a clear statement that you are ready to leave is important so that your statement of being tired is not misinterpreted. Additionally, making it clear that you have enjoyed your time by both stating it as well as expressing interest in doing it again should help A to understand that you are not attacking them in any way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you may be an introverted person, and if you want to have a more extended discussion with A in order to avoid tricky conversations in the future you could have a one time discussion with them about what that really means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For clarity, the intent is not to explain introversion at a time when you are actually leaving, but in casual conversation at some point while you are hanging out, so that in the future when you explain that you are tired your friend will understand the situation. Thanks to comments from Crettig and YCN- for bringing it to my attention that I was not clear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey A, I was reading up about being introverted and it turns out that while extroverted people &quot;recharge&quot; by going out and interacting with people, introverted people &quot;recharge&quot; by getting some alone time at home. I think I might be introverted, because I definitely need to have some recharge time in the evenings, especially before a work/school day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once A understands that this is how you get your energy back, they will (hopefully) understand what you mean better when you tell them you are tired, or that you want to go home, without jumping to any unwanted conclusions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastEditorUserId="15895" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T13:50:20.797" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T13:50:20.797" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13215" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8212" CreationDate="2018-04-16T18:02:07.817" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hear me out on this one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deactivate your Facebook profile. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28093386&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;It's bad for both of you&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it: This is the ultimate rebuttal to his actions. The platform is enabling his actions, and so the most you can effectively do is weaken that platform's hold on his attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inform him and anyone else you wish to stay in touch with that you will no longer be using Facebook and they are free to contact you using other means (email, phone, etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By leaving, you show that you don't value their behavior enough to even be around it. A key reason most people stick to facebook is to &quot;stay in touch&quot; with friends and family, so you use the only leverage you really have there: your time &amp;amp; presence. &lt;strong&gt;Think of this like leaving the table at a family gathering.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being forced to actively engage in communication this way (as opposed to the passive method Facebook enables) will actually strengthen your relationship:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201703/effective-communication-during-relationship-conflict&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Generally speaking, indirect opposition is corrosive to relationships.&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/distress-in-context/201201/can-facebook-be-used-maintain-meaningful-social-relationships&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;A number of studies suggest that Facebook can be used to strengthen and reinforce distant social connections, while others indicate that the website inflates the number of one's actual friends and discourages real interaction. One theme emerging from several studies is that direct actions with Facebook friends appear to increase individual feelings of connectedness and self-esteem, while indirect actions may do the opposite.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The less time he exposes himself to the feedback-loop of Facebook's feed the more open they will be open &amp;amp; looking to other avenues of news and thought, and you can try establish a direct role in that process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10743" LastEditorDisplayName="user10743" LastEditDate="2018-09-29T17:49:15.660" LastActivityDate="2018-09-29T17:49:15.660" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13216" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-16T18:31:29.637" Score="12" ViewCount="1494" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a family friend I have known for years who now lives in a different city, but when he comes home to see his parents, etc, he likes to stay at my place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm totally fine with this, but recently he has started to invite others to my flat when he stays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't even mind this, and I enjoy hanging out with him and others when they come around, the problem is when he takes it too far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way it goes is as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He stays at my place&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Invites his friends around&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They (sometimes I join) go out to a bar for drinks&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We end up back at my place in the early hours of the morning, at which point they will put on loud music, talk loudly, etc, etc&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first three are fine, the last one is not! It's me who has to go and smooth things over with the neighbors the next day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one occasion, I was out of town, so I left my key with a mutual friend for him to collect as he was home that weekend. The result was a 5AM text from the neighbor, telling me he had phoned the police because the noise was so bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had to go and apologize to the bl**ping residents association to avoid getting evicted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already told him this behavior isn't okay, that I want him to stop making loud noised after 11 PM. The problem is that he never seems to listen to it, and I'm struggling to follow through. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After setting a boundary, how do I follow through when my friend continues to behave in a way that's not okay?&lt;/strong&gt; Preferably, I'd like to do this without damaging my relationship with this person and looking like a jerk in the process. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16777" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-04-16T19:31:49.917" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T14:01:50.183" Title="How do I follow through after setting a boundary for a friend who throws loud parties at my place?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13218" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8212" CreationDate="2018-04-16T18:59:04.560" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may not be able respond to your father's Facebook posts, without appearing to be a know it all, without appearing argumentative and without offending him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I come from a...diverse...family.  As a result we have a &quot;no politics, no religion&quot; rule when we communicate.  It's the only way to remember we love each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For Facebook posts what I have done in your situation for brief periods of time is the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Unfollow your father but remain FB friends. He will not be alerted to this. You will still get notifications when you are tagged in photos.  Just click on the &quot;you are tagged&quot; link and you will see the photos without having to see your father's page. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't have to have a different page for your father.  Put your father on the &quot;Restricted&quot; friends list.  Then he will only see posts of yours that are &quot;Public&quot;.  Post your personal items with the &quot;Friends&quot; privacy level.  Your father won't see them.  He will not be alerted to this either.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastEditorUserId="7377" LastEditDate="2018-04-16T20:33:09.173" LastActivityDate="2018-04-16T20:33:09.173" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13216" CreationDate="2018-04-16T19:12:30.000" Score="13" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I made it clear how annoyed I was, and was promised that it wouldn't happen again, but then it happens again. He just says yes, and then doesn't do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, that says everything you need to know about his character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I worry about coming off as the unreasonable one to family and mutual friends, when he downplays the situation and makes me out to be the bad guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...and the fact he lies and paints you as the bad guy says everything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I handle this, without damaging my relationship with this person&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why worry about his feelings? This guy is using you to provide a place to stay, behaves in an exceedingly rude manner, then leaves you in charge of sorting out the consequences of his abusive behavior without giving a damn. Why respect someone who doesn't respect you at all?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering you already tried to talk it out, you can try a bit more extreme measures. Also, this guy doesn't seem like the type to care about what you say anyway, so it's time to do instead of say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be a doormat or a willing victim. It's bad for your self-esteem. Personally, if that was me, I'd simply tell him to F- off, but since you insist, let's try to be a bit more subtle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 1) If you lend him the keys like you said, ask for a deposit, like $300. No money, no keys. Deposit will be returned if he behaves. If he knows he isn't going to respect your boundaries anyway, then this puts him in a tight spot... he can lie all he wants, that won't do him any good. It forces him to face his own hypocrisy, which is what you want. And if he makes a mess, at least you get to keep the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I use this trick when tenants want to push for one of their penniless &quot;buddies&quot; to take the flat after they leave, I just say &quot;of course, since this is such a very good friend, you will act as a financial guarantor, yes? please sign here...&quot; Making someone financially responsible somehow tends to make them a lot more sincere and based! LOL.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he punches you in the face because you kept the money, then that should help you understand the nature of your &quot;relationship&quot;. Either way, a great lesson about human nature. Win-Win!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 2) Next time he wants to stay, refuse and explain your reasons. At this point it's very important to stay firm. After he actually understands that it's gonna be quite annoying to have to look for a place to stay (and also pay for it) he will probably ask again. Then it's up to you whether you accept it or not, but maybe he'll respect you a bit more once he realizes you actually have the guts to simply say no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 3) Convince someone else to let him stay at their place. He's probably good at making people think he's Mr Very Nice Guy, so you shouldn't have any trouble! This is a nice solution as you don't have to be assertive, just lie a little bit. Having him stay at the place of the person who wouldn't believe he caused havoc at your place would be sweet karma, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-04-16T20:01:37.033" LastActivityDate="2018-04-16T20:01:37.033" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13221" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13224" CreationDate="2018-04-16T20:11:34.533" Score="109" ViewCount="38891" Body="&lt;p&gt;On flights, seatmates (strangers near my seat) have asked me to swap my aisle seat (reserved in advance, sometimes paid for), usually to my disadvantage as their seat has some snag (dirtier, narrower, too close to lavatory).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually answer 'Sorry, but I prefer mine, thanks'. But this spurs more questions, or silent but detectable hostility and scowling from some of these rejected seatmates.  How can I refuse tactfully, without causing this bitterness?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="4177" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T01:24:32.817" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T21:39:18.453" Title="How can I tactfully refuse to switch seats on flights?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13210" CreationDate="2018-04-16T20:22:26.857" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;Use something short and to the point, for either large gatherings or when hanging out with one or two friends:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, it was great seeing you, I'm going to head out now. Let's meet again soon!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then make your graceful exit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This route doesn't require an excuse, but still lets the other person know that you valued the time you spent together. Some people may insist that you stay a little longer, but you must continue to politely affirm that you do want to head home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also allows you to socialize for as long as you want, since you don't have to set up an allotment of time beforehand (eg &quot;I can only hang out for 2 hours&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;As an introvert with many extroverted friends, I find myself in plenty of situations where everyone else is still partying away but I'd like to head home. On one occasion I left a football game during halftime because I just didn't feel up to socializing: I said my goodbyes, made a few last jokes, and headed home. Leaving when you want gets easier the more you do it.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4048" LastEditorUserId="4048" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T13:29:29.610" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T13:29:29.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13210" CreationDate="2018-04-16T20:49:37.057" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;General tips&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Put a time limit on your meetings. You don't have to say x hours, just say &quot;can we hang out tomorrow morning?&quot; Instead of just &quot;hangout tomorrow&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Pick times when there is a definite known event that will be at the end. Hang out in the afternoon because then you need to head home for dinner. (This is also great for corporate meetings! Everyone wants to meet the hour before lunch/end of day because suddenly oops it's time to go!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you want to leave:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Give notice. Look at your watch/phone, say &quot;I have to go soon&quot; or &quot;I have to head off soon&quot; or &quot;I have to leave at 11&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) If they ask why, say you have other stuff to do. No more justification needed. No matter how hard they try, &quot;but stay, it's fun!&quot; Just say varying versions of &quot;sorry, I have to go&quot; and &quot;I have other things/stuff to do&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask &quot;what stuff?&quot; Just say &quot;things I need to get done&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick is to give them nothing else to go on. Be boring, give no information and just shrug and say the same thing. Collect your things and head for the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is setting a boundary. When you leave, you leave. That's it. And after a couple of times, your friends will learn that it's pointless convincing you otherwise and won't bother trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2018-04-16T20:49:37.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13224" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13221" CreationDate="2018-04-16T21:15:26.997" Score="197" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, I selected this seat in advance.  But thank you for asking!&quot; Another option is to say, &quot;Thank you for asking!  I like this seat just fine.&quot;  Smile and be polite yet firm.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been my experience that when people want a reason, it's to argue.  So I never offer a reason.  In this case, my response to &quot;why?&quot; would be &quot;I do not wish to change&quot; or &quot;I reserved &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; seat&quot; or (again) &quot;This seat is just fine&quot;.  And I'd leave it at that.  Sure,  others can ask why.  They can even offer you a reason to switch.  Maybe they glare at you.  But let me ask this: will you ever see these people again?  I suspect that the answer is &quot;no&quot;.  In that case, who cares if they are scowling at you or glaring?  (Edit in response to Wildcard's comment) Be gracious in your response and the scowling and glaring is their problem, not yours.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, they want your seat.  But you reserved THAT seat, in advance, and may have paid more for it.  If they wanted that seat, they could have done the same thing.  Unless you have special access to some kind of reservation system, they had the same chance you did of getting that seat.  Because of that, you owe someone else nothing.  A polite decline will leave you in the seat you reserved.  (Edit in response to @M.Mat) And you can conclude the whole interaction by offering to help: &quot;I understand your need to find a different seat; I'm sorry I can't help you with this.  Can I call the flight attendant?  Perhaps they might be able to accommodate your needs.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, with respect to the scowling and hostility: stay polite.  You politely declined the offer to switch and now are staying polite.  Read a book.  Nap.  Watch a movie.  Do whatever you would normally do.  If someone wants to take a chunk of their life to be mad at a perfect stranger who is being polite, that's their problem, not yours.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T02:03:09.617" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T02:03:09.617" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13221" CreationDate="2018-04-16T21:18:53.593" Score="143" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless they make a convincing appeal for why they really need my seat, I say something like &quot;sorry, but I specifically reserved {an aisle seat, a window seat, a seat in the front of the plane, etc}&quot;.  This approach communicates that I have a specific preference (that I arranged for).  It leaves the door open for them to propose something different that still satisfies my requirement; if a family is trying to do seat-Tetris to sit together, maybe that information helps them.  Use this approach only if you're willing to move to a &lt;em&gt;different&lt;/em&gt; aisle/window/front/whatever seat if they find you one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I've seen, last-minute requests to change seats are usually because of factors beyond the person's control, like a family got rebooked after their original flight was canceled.  Flying is already stressful, so be sympathetic not combative.  That doesn't mean you need to agree to a bad trade, but don't add to the aggravation by being harsh with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-04-16T21:18:53.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13226" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1633" CreationDate="2018-04-16T21:23:03.620" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Serious face&quot; is also &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/05/culture-and-smiling/483827/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;standard in Russia&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Linked article has some comparisons, how smile is associated (or not) with intelligence and/or honesty (or lack of it) in different countries, depending on the country stability and corruption (&quot;uncertainty avoidance&quot;) and other factors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2796" LastActivityDate="2018-04-16T21:23:03.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13221" CreationDate="2018-04-16T21:58:39.747" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could claim that you chose your seat due to it being your favourite/lucky number. (I consider this a harmless lie. If you don't, you could actually make it the truth by applying a personal policy to book seats with a number which is suitably &lt;em&gt;relevant&lt;/em&gt; to you, thereby maintaining a clear conscience.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person is persistent, then further explain that you daren't leave your lucky seat as you have had recurring dreams of being involved in a &lt;strike&gt;plane crash&lt;/strike&gt; flight incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strike&gt;See how keen they are to move you after that!&lt;/strike&gt; I trust that most fellow-flyers will then be sympathetic enough to withdraw from the confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this verbal deception doesn't sit comfortably with your personal moral code then you could infer non-specific discomfort with the request by gripping the seat arms and giving a shake of the head with an ashen look on your face. This body language should be enough to re-establish your privacy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I acknowledge that this avoidance tactic is perhaps the bottom of the barrel with regard to interpersonal skills! I have only added it to my answer as a non-verbal alternative to my original gambit.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16078" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T20:17:56.863" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T20:17:56.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13230" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-16T23:07:41.537" Score="4" ViewCount="593" Body="&lt;p&gt;This probably sounds like an odd question, but I'm an odd guy.&#xA;I believe friendship is established when two (or more) people are able to exchange ideas or emotions in a way which benefits all involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It requires a kind of mutual advantage, which I do not provide.&#xA;When I attempt to talk to people, I often find that I am unable to engage them in any way.&#xA;My conversational partner quickly and invariably becomes uninterested, no matter what the topic.&#xA;If I'm talking about something that really interests that person, I provide no original analysis, and they end up getting bored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I initially included several examples demonstrating this, but removed them for brevity; please let me know if concrete examples would help.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am trying to make friends, but I'm not sure if I should have them given my track record thus far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I am 26 and that this has been my experience my whole life.&#xA;Those who say I'll find my people eventually have been proved inaccurate for the last 10 years (when I first heard the expression).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16788" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T00:27:01.640" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T03:05:31.043" Title="How do you know if you're worthy of friendship?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-17T03:30:41.377" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13231" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13221" CreationDate="2018-04-16T23:32:35.030" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I'm dead-set on not moving, I'd say &quot;Thank you for &lt;em&gt;offering&lt;/em&gt;, but I'll keep my seat&quot; which implies they were trying to do you a favor and you've (politely) declined, while asserting your claim to the seat in question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they persist, maintaining that they are graciously offering to trade but you must decline as you're fine where you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've now cast their request (for their benefit) as an offer (for your benefit), which is much easier to refuse: They then have to violate the implication and admit they are asking for their own benefit, rather than yours, in order to push the issue... and from my experience most people won't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the same as leading with &quot;thank you for your patience&quot; tends to make people more patient, or telling a child you've just met about how well-behaved you've heard they are. You've attributed them with a positive quality and to do otherwise means they explicitly prove they do not possess that quality... people will (primarily sub)consciously attempt to live up to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't work on everyone, but it's been surprisingly effective for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it's somewhat unclear, I want to clarify the tone I aim to set: The intention is to &lt;strong&gt;show them&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/help/be-nice&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am assuming they have good intentions&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;, not to be patronizing or sarcastic. This is a powerful position to take. Some people will of course become argumentative, but I am of the opinion they would have become so regardless of what you said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3633" LastEditorUserId="3633" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T17:10:17.223" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T17:10:17.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13233" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13230" CreationDate="2018-04-16T23:54:25.183" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just by your existence you are worthy of friendship.  All of us are.  The challenge is finding those with whom you enjoy spending time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friendship is not about advantage; that is a business transaction.  In friendship, you sometimes gain. You sometimes give more.  In the end, without keeping score, things come out roughly equal.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To conclude: yes, you should.  Being alone is not healthy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-16T23:54:25.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13236" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13246" CreationDate="2018-04-17T01:39:01.277" Score="6" ViewCount="2203" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't really like my living accommodations and have several roommates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was talking to my mom on my cellphone and she started asking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is your house any better? Are your roommates still really noisy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The walls are paper thin and the person next to me was home (I know this because I could clearly hear every word of his Skype conversation that's been going on for the past hour). I tried to hint to my mom we should talk about something else but she didn't get it and I had to hang up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She does this a lot. My grandma complained she doesn't get that some things shouldn't be discussed over the phone because the answer may be offensive to the other people who can overhear the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best way to address this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi mom. I couldn't answer your question about my house because my&#xA;  roommates are close by and I don't want to offend them. These&#xA;  situations happen quite a bit. Do you want to establish some code word&#xA;  for when it's not time to talk about something because people in the&#xA;  area may over hear it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has an extremely hard time understanding this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T13:22:52.443" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T22:35:06.697" Title="How to let someone know you can't talk about a subject on the phone because someone can overhear?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13239" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13230" CreationDate="2018-04-17T03:05:31.043" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, I agreed with baldPrussian that everyone existence is worthy of friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I find the best way to make friends would be in &lt;strong&gt;times of hardships&lt;/strong&gt;. You don't really need any communications here. For example, working midnight oil together for a project that is having a deadline on tomorrow, training together on a sport for an upcoming competition, and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it is harder to make friends when older but it is not impossible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some questions you could ponder on yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why do you think people get bored on your topic? Is it because of the topic itself, or the way you conveying it? Are you providing too much details or too vague? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When engaging in a conversation, are you one who will waits for the other party to ask question and you just answer? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you willing for a change? (which I am guessing will be a 'yes')&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, to be able to exchange ideas or emotions with people, you will need &lt;strong&gt;empathy&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quoted from this link &lt;a href=&quot;https://andrewsobel.com/eight-ways-to-improve-your-empathy/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; by &lt;em&gt;Andrew Sobel&lt;/em&gt;, these are the eight ways you could do to improve empathy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Challenge yourself&lt;/strong&gt; - Learn new skills or pick up new hobbies. Join those activities organized by community center. I find hiking is one good way to start out. You will also get to meet many new people there. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get yourself out of the environment&lt;/strong&gt; - I would say is similar to point 1. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get feedback&lt;/strong&gt; - Ask feedback from people that you feel comfortable with. You may begin with something like, &quot;Hi, I've been trying to have a better interactions with people around me. Do you think what areas should I continue to improve on?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Explore the heart not just the head&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Walk in others' shoes&lt;/strong&gt; - Basically to imagine yourself as others in a same scenario and try to mimic others' thoughts and feel instead of your own. &lt;em&gt;Because what you think won't matters to you, might matters a lot to others.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Examine your biases&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cultivate your sense of curiosity&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask better questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always keep practicing, even if you one day you think you might have mastered it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last but not least, don't be disheartened when you think a friendship does not work out for you. Work out the reasons on it, and improve on it for the next one. Eventually when you found that one real friend, that will already be more than good enough in a lifetime. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T03:05:31.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13241" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13210" CreationDate="2018-04-17T03:51:26.903" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this happen to me a lot and it's not just hanging out with people but shopping, too.  I'll have a list of places I need to shop whether I'm alone or with someone and when I hit that point that I have to go home I just tell my friend or go get in my car.  If you tell people that you have a point that you have to go and you don't know when it will happen that you will have to leave so please don't take it personally. works every time with no hard feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16804" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T03:51:26.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13242" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13245" CreationDate="2018-04-17T03:58:39.460" Score="12" ViewCount="4040" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;: I'm a 26 years old South American, and up until mid last year I lived with my parents. In June I moved countries (7,000 miles) because of work and now I live alone, and so far I very much enjoy it. My parents visit me every now and then because they can get cheap air tickets. I've also been visited by my sister, who has no intention of coming any time soon, and my aunt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only time my aunt came to visit me she stayed 2 weeks in my apartment, and for me it was not a nice experience. My aunt is a widow and she has problems with her only daughter, and this makes her unpredictable. E.g. the first night she stayed she started crying a bit over dinner because she'd have liked her husband to see my home. And I just froze because I never know what to say to comfort her. The whole 2 weeks I was with her I needed to watch my every word because I feared something I said would make her remember her problems with her daughter. It was mentally draining. I never ask her questions about her life because I fear it will spark a tantrum, but she brings up the subject in passing at very random times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to summarize, I would very much like for her not to come back, or at least not for two weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;: my aunt has made it clear that she wants to come back, and she's already SMS'ed me twice asking 'if we can have a video call&quot;. She doesn't want to explain via SMS why she wants to call me, but I'm 99% sure it's because it will be harder for me to say no to her face to face (she is slightly manipulative). So far I've avoided her requests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also feel a bit angry that she's &quot;inviting&quot; herself. Granted, when she left the first time, she asked if she could come back and I said yes because I didn't think she'd want to come back (it's an expensive trip). And also because, well, how do I say &quot;no&quot; to her face?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;: how do I avoid conflict with my aunt when I tell her I don't want my house to become her vacation getaway? She seems to make all these plans around it, like going on a road trip and such, and I've already told her I don't want to do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like if I tell her &quot;no&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm being awfully selfish, because I would only have to take her for a week, and she looks like she could use some company to distract her from her problems&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she'd probably resent me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she'd be confused as to why my parents can come any time they like and she cannot (it's because I get on well with them)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But at the same time: it's my life and I should be the one to decide who I share my house with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16800" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T07:11:36.050" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T00:27:08.190" Title="How do I tell a relative that I don't want them to spend their vacations in my house" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;south-america&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13221" CreationDate="2018-04-17T04:57:35.077" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;Requests to change seats should be made to the flight attendant not to the passenger.  Ideally, the passenger with a pressing, real &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; (not just a want) for a seat change thinks ahead and discusses his problem with the agents at the desk in the boarding area, who can alert the cabin crew.  This is what the family of the elderly lady (see below) probably did.  In literally hundreds of flights, I have been asked only twice to change seats, once by the flight attendant to allow a very elderly and frail woman to sit next to a member of her family, who was seated next to me.  Of course, I agreed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other time, a woman in her twenties, some 30 years younger than I, travelling alone, asked me to change my aisle seat for her center seat &quot;because it will be easier for me to work on my computer.&quot;  That one I turned down with &quot;Do I look stupid?  Certainly not!&quot;  OK, this wasn't tactful, but this was a time not to be tactful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the request does not come from a flight attendant, just say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Talk to the flight attendant if you don't like your seat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the request comes from a flight attendant, consider the reasons and either say &lt;em&gt;yes, of course&lt;/em&gt; (as I did for the old, frail lady) or &lt;em&gt;no, sorry, I'd much rather not.&lt;/em&gt;  Do not engage with a pushy passenger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some readers will correctly object that flight attendants are too harried on today's crowded flights to do much seat-rearranging.  Precisely!  But they will make time to deal with an urgent request involving the very old, the disabled, and young children.  All others should just settle in and endure.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T18:13:34.063" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T18:13:34.063" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13242" CreationDate="2018-04-17T05:14:22.090" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's hard to say &quot;no&quot; because you might not know how exactly she will take it. Since she is going through some problems and if you say no, then it might be depressing for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, instead of saying no directly, say something like that you'll love to host her, but you got some stuff to do or maybe you will be out of town due to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd love to have you at my place, but I got some stuff to do. (pretend that you're busy and cannot be her host).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said to this one my distant relatives once, when they were coming to visit some historical places in my city, but their presence would have only diverted my concentration and I'd not have completed my project within the deadline during college. They said that it's not a big problem. And they stayed at hotel and I visited them once. So, they were happy that I took time out of my busy schedule and visited them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is really no need to give more thoughts on choosing the words, because it'll be breaking news for them no matter how you say it. However, try to have a tone of regret or sympathy, so you don't appear as a rude person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also try telling that it's sad that you and she will not be able to stay together. With any luck, she will get a hint that you don't want her to stay at your place. If she still insists, then try saying that you can host her for a few days only. If she wants to stay for more days, I am afraid you will have to be direct this time and say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I'm sorry - it's just not possible for you to stay with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to avoid lying because if she stays, even for a few days, with you, she might find the truth. Meanwhile, you can try pretending to be nice and suggesting a hotel or a place she can stay. And then say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will be really busy during that time. I have made/can make reservations at hotel XYZ which I think you will enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit after the comment:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's looking for a free place to live since you already said that hotels are really expensive. But if you can recommend a few hotels that might be in her budget, try something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm afraid you can't stay with me this visit, but I can recommend a few hotels in the area I really love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be firm and don't try to let it be a big deal. If she agrees to stay at hotel, trying having a lunch or meeting her during her stay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T08:56:04.857" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T08:56:04.857" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13236" CreationDate="2018-04-17T05:17:52.800" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you can't tell them directly, you need to behave in a way that makes them understand. Usually, when this happens to me, I just start answering with &quot;&lt;em&gt;yes... yes... no... not yet... yes... hm...&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and so on. Short, one word, no discussion. This way, after a couple of sentences, the person on the phone will ask: &quot;you can't talk right now ?&quot;. And you can just explain that you'll discuss this later. They'll change the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can also make a very weird answer: &quot;&lt;em&gt;what about your roommates? Still annoying?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. And you: &quot;&lt;em&gt;sorry Mom, I can't tell you right now, I don't have the schedule of our meetings with me.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By giving weird answers, or answering to another topic, people understand that you can't answer, and they usually switch to another topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep the answer neutral at all time. Use words/sentences like: &lt;em&gt;I can't tell you right now / I'll don't know yet / well, I'd rather talk about X/Y/Z&lt;/em&gt;. People in your room or around can't understand what you're talking about just by listening to answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often do that with my GF or sister, they get the point quite quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About your Mom, you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to set a &quot;&lt;strong&gt;warning word&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;. Like a secret password. Short sentence. When you say it, she knows you're stuck and can't say anything about this right now. And if she really has a hard time understanding it, keep on being nice and telling her neutral answers, or not related, until she gets it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T07:36:53.140" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T07:36:53.140" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13221" CreationDate="2018-04-17T08:32:43.890" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Assume the best about those making the request&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step in my opinion is to assume the person making the request is doing so with good intentions. Different people have different levels of willingness to move. For example I am generally happy to swap seats if it helps someone out, but also have no inhibition against asking someone for a swap if it means I can be closer to a friend of family member (sometimes booking seats together just doesn't quite work out for one reason or another). This puts the interaction on a positive footing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Respond appropriately depending on their situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second step is to listen to their reason for wanting to move (usually this will be given when someone makes such a request). If they say something minor like &quot;I like an aisle seat&quot;, you can  dismiss their question fairly lightly: &quot;I like an aisle seat too, unfortunately, that's why I booked this one&quot;, they are unlikely to be much offended, because they know the request was cheeky. However if their request is reasonable (i.e. they have reason to believe that a swap would be more beneficial to them than inconvenient to you), then I would take a more polite, understanding approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer politely and succinctly, give reasons, but don't belabor them&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say &quot;Sorry, but I specifically booked this seat because { characteristics which made you pick that seat}&quot;. I would not use the approach of pretending to think the request was an offer (as suggested in other answers), unless the asker phrased it as such, because to me it sounds obviously disingenuous. I think that you having specifically chosen that seat is a strong argument, which many will simply accept. Tone is important — the aim is to sound firm, but not irritated by the request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make it clear that you are not up for argument&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The asker may try to argue, or come up with an alternative solution. Avoid continuing the argument unless you are willing to be persuaded/come to a compromise. Instead simply express your unwillingness to move e.g. &quot;Sorry, but I just didn't like moving from my chosen seat once I am settled&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Their response is their own problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people will be bad tempered about having their request declined, however polite, however reasonable you are, and however good your reasons for declining. Don't take it personally, just feel slightly sorry for them ( their attitude is only hurting themselves) as you pick up your book, put on your headphones or do whatever it is you like to do to get ready for a long journey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user9910" LastEditorUserId="493" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T07:04:05.860" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T07:04:05.860" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12464" CreationDate="2018-04-17T08:46:05.043" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I attended the wedding last weekend. I would like to share my experience here, maybe it'll help someone with the same issue as me.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I didn't talk to the bride about my I-don't-wanna-dance thing, I felt like there was no need to bother her with my problems before her wedding. When everyone started dancing I sat at my table quietly (feeling much like Julia Roberts at the end of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Best_Friend%27s_Wedding&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;My best friend's wedding&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;After a while, the bride came closer to my table (she probably noticed I was being left out) and said &quot;Come, have fun with us!&quot; --by now, she should got that's not the way I have fun, but that's another story. I just said &quot;No, thank you&quot;, shaking my head and smiling shyly. She answered &quot;Ok. Is everything fine?&quot;, and I went &quot;Yes, don't worry!&quot;. That's it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;A couple of specification: the music was &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; loud at that moment and we weren't that close, so we couldn't have a proper chat. Better that way, so I avoided confrontation.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Plus, I was helping the dj with his console and other technical stuff, and I had to leave the party for about 45 minutes in order to pick up equipment we both forgot at home, so I had an excuse to skip part of the dancing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15966" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T08:46:05.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13242" CreationDate="2018-04-17T10:30:59.380" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't provide quotes as reddit is banned on my works pc but please read some threads on this subreddit&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/&lt;/a&gt;  you will recognise your aunt and her manipulation techniques.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The crying over her husband and daughter, making you afraid to talk or she throws a tantrum, classic manipulation tactics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she isn't delicate or sensitive she is controling. You just have to send her a message, &quot;I am not sure why you want to skype but just to let you know it really isn't good for you to come visit until (1 year after the last visit) and then only for 1 week&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will throw a major tantrum about you being heartless and not caring you just need to block her for a few days, until she calms down.  if she doesn't calm down respond &quot;I am blocking you for a month Aunt if you can be civil after that I will talk to you then&quot; or some such answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am guessing she will now be crying to others about having trouble with her daughter AND her neice after this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not give any reasons, as reasons can be argued. To quote my fav forum &quot;NO is a complete sentence&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T10:30:59.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13177" CreationDate="2018-04-17T11:39:11.400" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In all the situations you described, it should be possible to just ask. Try to ask open-ended questions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if you meet someone during a talk at the end of a conference, talk with them for 5-10 minutes, and then get up to leave, do you wait for them and walk out with them or would they wonder why you want to walk out with them if you just met?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask: &lt;em&gt;Do you mind continuing this conversation on the way out?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or if some people you met at the conference walk in line behind you while at the airport, is it acceptable to join in on their conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Sorry, but I can´t help overhearing your conversation. May I join in?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or if some people that you just met are talking about going out with some people that they know a bit better and you're standing there awkwardly, is it acceptable to ask if you can tag along?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Special case - here it could be better to just hint that you are interested and wait for them to invite you: &lt;em&gt;Sounds like fun, what you guys are planning.&lt;/em&gt; &#xA;If you want to be a bit more direct: &lt;em&gt;Guys, I´d love to tag along with you sometime, i you´ll have me, of course.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take the hint, if your conversation partner makes up excuses to reject you. Key is do ask this casually and accept a no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T11:39:11.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13177" CreationDate="2018-04-17T12:18:40.637" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may be overthinking this a little. In the situation you are describing you have little to lose by asking if you can tag along. The people are virtual strangers, so if you misjudge something you'll likely never see them again. Yet at the same time, if you are attending an event together you do have at least &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; in common, so you have every reason to believe that they will be welcoming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine what the world would be like if there were NO social awkwardness. We would probably talk to everybody we encountered, even if it was just a few words. We'd say hello to people you pass in the street instead of looking at our shoes. But the way the world is means that we often avoid the small encounters and are constantly on the lookout for big, meaningful ones - and that is a shame, because we can all get something positive out of any human contact, no matter how brief it may be. If you initiate a conversation and it goes nowhere, so what?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To directly answer your question of &lt;em&gt;how can I tell if you're inviting yourself unnecessarily&lt;/em&gt;, I would say that you probably can't. At least not before you make contact. Just put your fears aside, start a conversation, ask to tag along, or whatever. In the situation you describe, many people will be in the same position as you - hoping to tag along with somebody else - or at the least they may likely have been in the same situation in the past. That is not to say that everybody will be friendly and welcoming, sad to say that some people aren't like that. But that is their problem, not yours. If they don't want to talk, that will be apparent. If that is the case, just say &lt;em&gt;it was nice talking to you&lt;/em&gt; and end it there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T12:18:40.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13095" CreationDate="2018-04-17T13:02:55.263" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to give the apparently radical point of view that your marriage isn't over and there's a good chance you can salvage things if you handle it carefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First&lt;/strong&gt; off, I am going to be the umpteenth person to recommend counseling, because most couples could benefit from it anyway, especially if there are communication issues. But not everyone is comfortable doing that, so don't force the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second&lt;/strong&gt;, I'm going to suggest that the gaming addiction isn't an addiction at all. She has, for probably several reasons (not just you), become overwhelmed with life. There could be any number of factors in play here, maybe she feels unfulfilled in her career, maybe her work has become tedious or even toxic, maybe she feels like she's a failure for whatever reason, maybe she can't handle working and taking care of the house/kids all at once and is just mentally and physically exhausted. The possibilities here are endless and it's up to you to figure out the real reason, since she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. That's a complicated subject and without actually speaking to her I can't give much more advice than &quot;&lt;em&gt;Listen, look at things from her point of view, and don't invalidate her feelings even if you think they don't make sense.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how does that relate to gaming? Being &quot;addicted&quot; to a game like that is simply a symptom of the unhappiness I talked about. It's an escape from reality, where you can take your mind off of things and meet other people who are probably there for similar reasons. It &lt;em&gt;looks&lt;/em&gt; like an addiction because it occupies so much of her attention even when she's not playing, but really if you handle the problems mentioned in the previous paragraph, she'll more than likely drop the gaming (and probably the friend) in time. That's not guaranteed, because she might have accidentally discovered a new passion/hobby in it, but you'll definitely see her spending less time doing that and more time involved with her family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take all of that slowly, it's not going to be an overnight change and it will probably take some effort to get her to open up about what's eating at her. If you try to force it out of her she'll only retreat further from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the tricky part: &lt;strong&gt;the friend&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is another symptom of the unhappiness I mentioned above. While escaping from life she bumped into someone who made her feel good about herself. It's okay to have people like that other than you. Humans aren't solitary creatures and we get depressed if we go too long without fulfilling contact with others. However her behavior with this guy is definitely inappropriate and needs to stop. You just need to be careful not to alienate or shame her in the process, or you'll never get her back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being open and honest about the whole thing is really the way to go, but when you have that conversation you need to avoid painting him or her as the villain. She didn't set out to hurt you, so don't accuse her of that. Explain how it feels from your point of view, then try to get her to explain her side (and try to understand it!) It won't be comfortable, but it's the only way to move past a problem like this. Here are some ways to express it in an impactful but respectful way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Your relationship with [friend] makes me really uncomfortable. I know it may not seem like a big deal to you, but it's got me feeling very jealous and hurt. I'm sure you're not intentionally trying to do that to me, but please try to understand where I'm coming from.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that on the table, you can discuss how to turn the situation around. The key is not forcing her to take any action, you need her to actually understand why it hurts you so she'll be willing to change. If the conversation turns to &quot;You're the bad guy and I forbid you from talking to this guy again&quot; you will lose her completely. Accusing her of an &quot;emotional affair&quot; or likening the situation to cheating is just going to shut her out and guarantee further division. Try approaching it like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't mind if you have friends online, especially if they're making you happy. Just please keep it appropriate, don't talk to them like [whatever she was doing], that really hurts me. If he tries to initiate it, please just refuse or change the topic or something.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets her keep her friend but makes it clear how you feel about what was going on. Don't threaten anything (like monitoring the chat logs) and don't force her to cut ties. She may do that on her own anyways if she feels guilty enough, but don't count on it. I know this will leave a little burning suspicion in you about whether she's still doing it or not, but that's where trust comes in. You have to express yourself, and trust her to make the right decisions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt; She's profoundly unhappy about her life, which is why she's retreating into games and making new friends online, and her behavior with this friend in particular is a result of trying to find something to make her happy. Be honest about how much that hurts you and &lt;em&gt;ask&lt;/em&gt; (don't tell) her to stop (but don't force her to give up the friend either). Then try to have an open discussion about why she's feeling so unhappy, so you can take appropriate actions to support her better. (Hint: It's probably not because of you, despite what she's said. That would manifest in different ways.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10711" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T13:02:55.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13242" CreationDate="2018-04-17T13:14:09.293" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I promise I will get to answering your question directly, but first some things to consider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe you when you say that your aunt can be manipulative, and while that is not a great quality in people, the word brings to mind the idea of someone who hatches evil schemes to manipulate others - and I'm fairly sure that doesn't describe your aunt. She has had some sad things happen in her life, it sounds like this has made her very needy, and perhaps subconsciously she is doing and saying what she has to in order to get the company / attention she needs. I think we are all capable of this at times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you described her last visit as &quot;mentally draining&quot; and you spent the time trying to avoid talking about her daughter / late husband. Do you think perhaps it could be &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; behaviour that made the experience mentally draining? Avoiding a subject is full-time work, especially when someone else desperately wants to talk about it! Is it possible these things make her cry because nobody is talking about it and she is bottling it up? You don't go into detail about the problem with her daughter, but certainly when it comes to her being widowed I have heard and read the words of many bereaved people who say they wish people &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; talk about their deceased loved ones more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One possible way to tackle this problem inter-personally may be to actually talk with her about her daughter, and her husband. At length. Hash it out once and for all. Some things this approach may achieve:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She may get it out of her system, have a good cry, and move on from it all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you open up and give your advice, it may even help her to move on from it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I'm wrong and she doesn't want to talk about it then maybe she wont want to come up and visit you after all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if that doesn't appeal and you really are set on turning her down then it is just a case of being honest, but fair. You likely have limited vacation time of your own and it's reasonable that you want to use that for yourself, or when your parents visit (they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; undeniably closer). Also, you surely have a new life there. You don't go into detail but her visit must interfere with other social activities or your daily routine at the least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If any of the above are true then you can weave these into your response, but say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is a little difficult for me to have &lt;em&gt;anybody&lt;/em&gt; stay at the moment,&#xA;  I'm sorry. I have vacations and events booked, I have a routine for&#xA;  work the rest of the time. Can we postpone this for the time being?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to soften it with a concession you could perhaps add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I could perhaps fit you in for a couple of nights?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously your response should be truthful, and you shouldn't feel bad if you have turned her down for genuine reasons. &quot;Selfish&quot; and &quot;Selfless&quot; are both extremes, and there is middle ground to be found. You must have time to yourself and as you have rightly explained, you have your limits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T13:14:09.293" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4504" CreationDate="2018-04-17T13:17:47.863" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find it a bit hard to relate to this situation but it might be similar to the people in Martin Place (Sydney) who try and sign me up for charity donations when I'm walking to work most days. They have all sorts of tactics to try and engage - singing, dancing, &quot;love your outfit&quot;, &quot;can you spare a minute&quot; and in all situations, I find that a smile and &quot;no thanks&quot; is sufficient. It's polite, it isn't dismissive, and it does the trick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you might think of this person like the homeless people in Martin Place. One calls out &quot;I just need two dollars&quot;; another stand quietly with her hand outstretched. In both cases, a quick acknowledgement and &quot;sorry, I can't help today&quot; is all that is required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that you are &quot;really scared of random interactions with unknown people&quot; so keep it on a level that you control. Acknowledge the person (in whatever way suits you - a nod, a smile) and keep walking. You're in control of your day, not this random person in your train station. Keep in mind that he or she probably sees hundreds of people every day, and whether you engage or not is immaterial in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails, have a chat to the person and ask him to cut you some slack. Otherwise, find a new train station.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16834" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T13:17:47.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13268" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13280" CreationDate="2018-04-17T13:22:55.443" Score="5" ViewCount="1743" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner and I have been dating for 9 years. We have been living together for the last 2 years. Since we started dating, my partner has not gone to the doctors for simple checkups, physicals, etc. Even when my partner is very ill and should go to the doctors they refuse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure the &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; reason for them avoiding the doctor. However they've stated a few times &quot;I've made it this far in my life without a doctor, I don't need one till I'm really old&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was only able to successfully get my partner to go to the doctors once, which ended in disaster as my partner refused most of the test. As a result the doctors couldn't give any information. To make matters worse the bill was very expensive and they felt even more resentment.     &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner keeps getting sick. Each time they get sick I also get sick. They have an &quot;I'd die for you attitude&quot; when I am sick, and think that I also have that attitude when they are sick. (I don't). Every time they get sick I ask if they'd like to go to the doctors or even bluntly tell them they need to go, they always refuse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's gotten to the point where they will hide their symptoms if possible to prevent me from avoiding them or telling them to go to the doctors.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach my partner and discuss the benefits of going to the doctor. I want them to feel comfortable going, and I want them to know that the doctors can help. I also think I'll need to explain that the last time they went isn't a normal scenario at a doctors office.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16836" LastEditorUserId="16836" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T14:20:46.600" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T02:47:10.140" Title="How do I talk to my partner about them going to the doctor?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13269" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13236" CreationDate="2018-04-17T13:52:35.617" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is easy. You have to be direct. Just say &quot;can you call me at work&quot;, or &quot;at 6:00pm (when I'll be walking to the bus (train, whatever))&quot;, or &quot;I'll call you back&quot; and phone her at a time when your housemates are not in earshot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit for clarity&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that people these days are often in situations where it is difficult to talk on the phone - either because of housemates, workmates, or complete strangers overhearing the conversation. Therefore it is preferable to postpone the conversation and put oneself in a comfortable situation rather than trying to &quot;hint&quot; at the fact that one can't talk &quot;right now&quot;. Surely it is better to have a free flowing conversation in five or ten minutes time (or even the next day), rather than one punctuated with obfuscation and misdirection&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16834" LastEditorUserId="15895" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T15:10:46.250" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T15:10:46.250" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13216" CreationDate="2018-04-17T14:01:50.183" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friend has shown that he does not care about your houserules. If you continue to let him stay at your place you risk getting evicted yourself. The residents association does not care if the noise that comes from your place is made by you or your friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you cannot stop him from making noise (which you apparently can't), then it is time to stop him from staying at your place altogether. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time when he asks if he can stay with you for a night, you need to tell him that &lt;strong&gt;no, he cannot stay at your place anymore&lt;/strong&gt;, because he does not respect your houserules and therefore endangers you to get evicted, and that you will not take that risk anymore. He will try to persuade you (&quot;This time I'll be quiet for sure!&quot;) but you need to stay strong there. Don't believe any word he says now, he will try to manipulate you. He has assured you to be quiet many times already and it never worked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I worry about coming off as the unreasonable one to family and mutual friends, when he downplays the situation and makes me out to be the bad guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not wanting to get evicted is in no situation unreasonable. You need to keep in mind that what you are doing is completely understandable and rational. If family members or mututal friends accuse you of denying said friend a bed in your home, calmly explain to them that you gladly invited him multiple times, but he consistently disrespected the house rules. And that you are about to lose your apartment if that would be continued. Therefore, letting your friend stay at your place is no longer an option. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Preferably, I'd like to do this without damaging my relationship with this person and looking like a jerk in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will not look like a jerk when you can explain your actions reasonably. People will understand why you will no longer host your friend. It is his own fault that he can't use your place anymore - The damage is all self inflicted. &#xA;But I'm afraid that whether or not you damage the relationship with your friend depends on the personality of your friend, and not on &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you deliver the news. Judging by your description of him, there is a good chance that he will act offended by your refusal, but that is only manipulation again. He knows very well that he himself is to blame for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T14:01:50.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13275" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8377" CreationDate="2018-04-17T14:19:10.867" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The reason why ‘I don't shake hands’ by itself does not work is that it is not clear why you don't.  Is it because touching makes you anxious... or is it that you feel that shaking hands is for equals, and you are these people's superior...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid this.  Make it clear that it's just a quirk of yours, rather than a disdain for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say, ‘Sorry, I have a thing about shaking hands,’ or whatever wording you find gets them to understand that you're a bit Aspie.  People are familiar with the concept.  Just don't pretend not to see their hand (they know you've seen it) or do anything else blatantly insulting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16580" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T14:19:10.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13276" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13210" CreationDate="2018-04-17T14:19:36.003" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they won't take a polite social cue that you're tired of being in public, then you need to just let them know what the reason is. I frequently tell people &quot;I am tired of socializing and am going to leave soon.&quot; or sometimes the shorter &quot;I'm just about 'socialed' out.&quot; It lends me the opportunity to clearly express how I feel and why I'm leaving, keeps the blame on me, and makes it clear that I am quickly reaching the point of not enjoying myself anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also avoids being too abrupt, as 'Ok I am sick of being here, bye.&quot; does - it lets people think &quot;Oh okay, lets get this one final thing I wanted to do done&quot; before you leave. It also sets a deadline for them to do anything quick they wanted before you go. this prevents them from saying &quot;Oh but we didn't get to X yet!&quot; - they DO get to X, if that's the last thing they wanted to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11903" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T14:19:36.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13268" CreationDate="2018-04-17T14:22:48.167" Score="4" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Finding the actual reason for your partner's stance could be the key to convincing them to visit the doctor&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try saying this to your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand that you don't want to visit the doctor. I'm sure that&#xA;  you have an important  reason for that. And I'm okay with that. &lt;em&gt;But, I&#xA;  would still like to understand the reason for that, if what you told&#xA;  me before isn't the actual reason.&lt;/em&gt; As your partner, you can always&#xA;  tell me anything, even if it's something embarrassing or painful. I&#xA;  would do the same as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;However, if the reason given by your partner is actually true, then it would be best  to disregard my advice.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13878" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T14:22:48.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2006" CreationDate="2018-04-17T14:27:20.267" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could explain how to use the App in pictures. This is pretty common practice in software development, i.e., using screenshots with just a few words of explanation to show people how to use the product. I think it would work for an App as well, providing it has an interface. Then when you receive a question from somebody that you can't understand, you could send them the instructions with the pictures instead of having a frustrating conversation via email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or make a recording of yourself explaining how to use it because many people who can understand spoken English have trouble reading it. I'm not sure if I need to explain this further but I'm suggesting it as another way that might help you avoid some of those frustrating email conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither of these suggestions will help you understand the non-English speakers but they should help you communicate with those people. I expect some people here might say that this is not the correct way to answer your question but they feel like pretty sensible alternatives to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another idea that might help when you receive questions that you can't understand is to ask the person to send the question to you in their native language so that you can run it through an automatic translation service. This would be more work for you but probably less painful in the long run. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16834" LastEditorUserId="16834" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T11:56:13.447" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T11:56:13.447" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13268" CreationDate="2018-04-17T14:27:29.793" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the biggest challenge here is &lt;strong&gt;to understand why your partner refuses to go seeing doctors&lt;/strong&gt; ; it could be a good point to start with. Do you know why they refuse to see someone? I guess that if you're asking this it's precisely that you don't know, so you may be starting with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi honey. About the last time you got sick, I would like you to know that I felt uncomfortable, for several reasons. I didn't know how to take care of you because I lack of medical background.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main point is: &lt;strong&gt;make it about them, and their health, but talk in &amp;quot;I&amp;quot; statements.&lt;/strong&gt; Avoid sentences that would incriminate them. You expressed how &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; felt because you were concerned. This example of approach is based on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;nonviolent communication&lt;/a&gt; and could help &lt;strong&gt;begin a conversation about why your partney doesn't want to see doctors&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they doesn't want to discuss their reason to avoid seeing specialists, then approach the fact that oftenly when they get sick, &lt;strong&gt;so do you&lt;/strong&gt;. Once again, try to make it about you, expressing pure facts in a neutral way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I noticed that when you get sick, I usually do too, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I would like to get sick less often. How do you think we could avoid this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could tell me &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;well, who doesn't feel unconfortable of being sick?&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; Very few, I admit. &lt;strong&gt;But expressing how you feel is a crucial part of the process&lt;/strong&gt;, because you don't incriminate them for what they do, but rather express how it makes &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; feel. You've been with your partner for 9 years. That's huge! I can therefore suppose you're in love with each other and that they wish you the best. Such sentence could help them understand that their uncomfort with doctors &lt;strong&gt;affects you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Side note&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could also be that &lt;strong&gt;your partner doesn't have the same vision of &amp;quot;getting sick&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. Mine got home once with a huge sprain on his ankle, he could hardly lay his foot down. I immediately say: &amp;quot;go to the doctor tomorrow, you can't work with this&amp;quot;. And so he did on the next day, except that his foot deflated during the night. After a while, he told me that he went to the doctor only to reassure me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are in this situation, then you should talk to them about the fact that &lt;strong&gt;you also get sick when they do, and that you're not at ease&lt;/strong&gt; as they seem to be with the disease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T14:45:49.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9852" CreationDate="2018-04-17T14:33:35.953" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that all the answers here are from people who don't have your experience of fending off such people.  I do, however, have such experience, as I too hate phones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the only solution: I got a second phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My smartphone is used as what it is: a small computer.  It has a SIM in order to have internet access, and the associated number is known by only a couple of people.  My dumbphone is useless to me, since I have no desire to make or receive calls.  Its purpose is to have a number that I can freely give out to people without worrying that they will bother me.  I've disabled voicemail on it, and it's always on silent.  I never, ever volunteer the number to anyone, or give any indication that I want to get a call on it.  I put the number on forms that require it, or give it to people who insist on a number and don't care how I wish to be contacted.  I usually throw in, &quot;My numbers's XXXXXXX, but I hardly answer it.’  This warning is always ignored because they can't conceive of not slavishly answering a phone at once.  If I want someone to contact me, I hand them my business card with my e-mail and home-office address on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I occasionally check to see if there are any SMS received.  I reply telling them to e-mail me if its important, and just ignore them if they are wasting my time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing else works.  Such people cannot grasp the idea of not liking being pestered by phone.  There is nothing you can do to stop them, so just divert them instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16580" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T14:41:05.473" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T14:41:05.473" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13282" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-17T15:12:05.810" Score="80" ViewCount="26128" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last summer, I had a temporary job which lasted 3 months (not more, not less) as a research engineer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was decided that if my work gave promising results, my superior would write an article about it (To be published in research papers). Actually, it would have been nice for me to write the article &lt;strong&gt;if I had the time&lt;/strong&gt;. This was an oral agreement between us: &lt;strong&gt;writing an article was not in my goals.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The contract goal was to develop a piece of software, and I did, but I didn't have the time to write the article.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Months after I left the company, my superior contacted me by email and &lt;strong&gt;told me to write the article&lt;/strong&gt;, because there was a big conference coming up and that &lt;strong&gt;my work was worthy of publication&lt;/strong&gt; (hence the demand ages after the end of my mission).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I say he &quot;told me&quot;, because he was not asking, he was saying that I needed to write the article and give it to him. I was very upset because he never believed in me by the time I was in the company and &lt;strong&gt;repeatedly insinuated that I had no talent&lt;/strong&gt;. My mission was over, &lt;strong&gt;I had no obligation to write this article.&lt;/strong&gt; If he'd been nice with me, I'd surely have written it, but since he was very unpleasant to me, I had no will to do what he wanted me to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could I have tactfully let him know that I didn't have to write this article,&lt;/strong&gt; since my mission was over and that it was not a goal of mine in the first place? He's been awkward with me the whole time but I'd have liked to tell him in a polite way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T08:54:46.030" LastActivityDate="2018-04-22T01:58:47.170" Title="How can I tactfully tell my ex-superior that I don't owe him anything?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13282" CreationDate="2018-04-17T15:25:45.823" Score="141" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you have already indicated, you do not owe your former employer anything outside of any official contract you have signed. If you look at it from the other perspective, you could certainly not expect your employer to pay you for work that you did not do. In order to politely indicate that you are no longer available to perform tasks for him, you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Supervisor],&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate you reaching out! I would like to say that I greatly value the time I spent with Company X and the experience I have gained there. Unfortunately, I have moved on to other opportunities and at present I do not have the available time to complete external tasks. I wish you and everyone at Company X the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regards,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avazula&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like this clearly and succinctly communicates that you have no hard feelings towards your old supervisor or company, but also that you are no longer available to complete any projects he may have for you. Also, labeling these tasks as &amp;quot;external&amp;quot; separates them from you and makes it clear that you have no responsibility towards the completion of those tasks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sorry you experienced this unprofessional behavior, I hope you are able to resolve this in a way that preserves everyone's feelings on both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-22T01:58:47.170" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13282" CreationDate="2018-04-17T17:26:55.183" Score="102" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give him a quote (as in, a cost estimate), based on how many hours you'll need to write it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not kidding. Writing the article wasn't on your job contract. So he's hiring you as a subcontractor to do some work (ie, write an article for him). Well, in his mind the words &quot;hiring&quot; may not sound exactly like that, more like &quot;exploit&quot; since he wants you to do it for free... but you get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sending him a quote means you'd do the job, no problem, it doesnt sound like &quot;I won't do it because I don't like you&quot; or anything of the sort. On the contrary you'd be happy to help... while at the same time delightfully rubbing his face into the fact he wanted to pressure you into doing it for free...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course this answer is applicable only if you're willing to follow through if your quote is accepted, in other words treat it like a normal job. As for the amount to quote, as Arcanist Lupus mentions in the comments, &quot;make sure to quote a cost that's high enough that if he accepts your offer you don't mind doing the work. Your price should be a fair one for you not for him.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T20:00:58.357" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T20:00:58.357" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="432" CreationDate="2018-04-17T17:47:46.563" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Etiquette for new social phenomena will always be slow to develop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the United States, so your answer may vary, but years ago, I remember people vaping in shopping malls with no restraint, but now those same shopping malls have restrictions against smoking that explicitly includes vaping and e-cigarettes. And yet, I still see people vape in other indoor spaces with no repercussions despite these new restrictions in some areas. The idea that vaping = smoking, socially, hasn't caught on everywhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that asking may be the most responsible thing to do in a public space. It allows the people around you to say no, which I think is the best indicator of what's polite or not amongst whatever group of people you're with or place you're in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16855" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T17:47:46.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13291" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-17T17:51:42.277" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This tag may be used on questions which involve physical health issues, for example, interacting with a sick person. For questions involving disability, use the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/disability&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;disability&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;disability&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not to be confused with asking for medical advice, which is off-topic. Interpersonal Skills SE is not a medical advice site: consult your doctor for any medical problems, and contact emergency services for urgent issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T17:51:42.277" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T17:51:42.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13292" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-17T17:51:42.277" Score="0" Body="For interpersonal issues related to or involving physical health issues and medical conditions." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T17:51:42.277" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T17:51:42.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13139" CreationDate="2018-04-17T18:18:25.547" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe that there could be a problem here by using the term &quot;racism&quot; because &quot;racism&quot; has a very complicated and nuanced definition and varies widely in its application as a result. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addressing a group of non-white people as a white person claiming that racism is evident in their speech implies that the level of discrimination they've displayed is indicative of a belief in systemic racist ideology. Racism does not affect white people because racism is a belief that supports continuing systemic violence against people of color. Racism does not harm white people at a systemic level. Racist ideology comes from white people because it was designed and created to keep races other than white people at a disadvantage in society. It is simply disingenuous to equate your Asian coworkers making assumptions about where white people live (well, mostly Appalachian people, which I will address shortly) to racism. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may disagree with my definition of racism. They may disagree with my definition of racism. Others here may disagree with my definition of racism. The reason why I address it here is that I believe there are better ways to approach this situation described by the OP than using the term &quot;racist.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;All that aside, here's some scripts I would recommend.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; discrimination. Addressing discrimination specifically and calling it by that name avoids any contentious topics about what it means to be racist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, I would try to say something along these lines: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;These assumptions about the kinds of people who live in the South is hurtful.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't think it's fair to categorize the South based entirely on stereotypes.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;It bothers me that you've implied that poor white people are trash.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;A further note:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my discussion of racism, I mentioned Appalachian people. &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appalachia&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Appalachian people&lt;/a&gt; are the people who most refer to as &quot;rednecks&quot; and &quot;white trash.&quot; These are generally poor people living along the Appalachian mountains (hence its name). These are people living in parts of Pennsylvania, Ohio, Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, the Carolinas, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, or the entirety of West Virginia. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the states mentioned above are among the poorest states in the country. Mississippi, West Virginia, Alabama, and Kentucky are &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_U.S._states_by_income&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;four of the last five states in terms of income&lt;/a&gt;. West Virginia's &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.seniorjobbank.org/database/West_Virginia/West_Virginia.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;most common jobs include&lt;/a&gt;: roof bolting, mining, shuttle car operators, mine cutting and channeling machine operators, continuous mining machine operators, helpers / extraction workers, wellhead pumpers, etc. These are extremely physically demanding and also pay poorly. The people there are poor and face the effects of poor welfare legislation, safety regulation, and environmental pollution regulation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is information that isn't very well known; it's just assumed that &quot;white trash&quot; is just equivalent to poor people or &quot;country people&quot;, but when people talk about the stereotypical &quot;red neck&quot;, they're usually describing Appalachia. If you wanted to take the time to educate your Asian coworkers about how they've miscast the &quot;South&quot; as Appalachia and the problems that many people in that area face, that's also an option. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16855" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T18:18:25.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13297" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-17T20:07:43.973" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Situations involving mental health issues often require a different approach. Use this tag to indicate that your question involves a mental health issue of you or others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, please note that questions that would require a mental health professional to address properly are considered &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/1905/where-do-we-draw-a-line-for-needs-professional-help&quot;&gt;off-topic&lt;/a&gt;. Instead, please contact mental health professionals in your area, as they will be best suited to help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T20:07:43.973" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T20:07:43.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13298" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-17T20:07:43.973" Score="0" Body="For questions about interpersonal skills where mental health issues play a significant role, and that do not require professional help to resolve." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-17T20:07:43.973" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T20:07:43.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13210" CreationDate="2018-04-17T20:46:01.360" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Suddenly lunge forward in your seat, huge smile, and put your hands together in an almost clap like fashion and say.. &quot;Well I mustn't keep you and I must be getting on!&quot;. This I find even works with farmers! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I'm serious --- and I do this all the time. The trick is meaning what you say.. making it an impulse, knowing that you &quot;love&quot; these guys, you do enjoy their company, accepting that you are making it as hard for them as they are for you, and simply glowing with appreciation for them whilst literally and simply saying &quot;time to go!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5147" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T20:46:01.360" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13236" CreationDate="2018-04-17T22:35:06.697" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First you can tell her you're not alone and you can disguise your answer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;MOM: Is your house any better? Are your roommates still really noisy?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;YOU: YES, OF COURSE. Just hanging around on my apartment with my roommates.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't get the hint. Tell something she know isn't true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;MOM: What are you talking about.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;YOU: Don't worry I will take the dog/cat/horse to veterinary tomorrow.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10608" LastActivityDate="2018-04-17T22:35:06.697" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13303" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13305" CreationDate="2018-04-18T00:25:20.490" Score="2" ViewCount="725" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a situation with a guy who now moved to a different country, him and I are very close however I've never spoken with him on the phone. We text and I see him in person but calling/FaceTiming is not something we've ever done. AND he hates calling and FaceTiming, and he's always super busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways a recent incident occurred and I texted him that I urgently needed to speak with him. Since I won't be able to see him face to face for months and this isn't something I can text and I wanted to FaceTime him or call him on the phone and he said okay&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I texted this a couple of days ago and at the time I was feeling very very depressed and stressed the urgency of the issue. Now when we have to FaceTime I don't know how to even start addressing the conversation. I can't just ask him how his day is and talk about pleasantries but it also seems rude to just jump right into the topic of discussion. Can someone please give me examples of ways to start talking about the topic in a way that is not awkward because I'm scared of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I'm thinking:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, thanks for agreeing to talk to me on the phone I know you're really busy.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then I'm stuck, I would think there should be a little more small talk before diving into a difficult discussion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He moved away and I wanted to be with him and he says he wants to be with me but he lives in Europe now though I live in America. He said it won't work because he's going to be in Europe indefinitely and we can only see each other a couple times a year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My solution:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just graduated with my masters and am pursuing a PhD, not in the same country as him but somewhere in Europe. I would be there by next year, and then it would only take 1 hour for me to see him on weekends etc., it would be like a normal relationship (I thought of the logistics of it). But as of right now, the only remaining times I can see him this year is two weeks in the summer adn then he can see me two weeks in october, but these are only a couple of months of not seeing each other. I want to convince him to just try till the end of this year. He doesn't know I had this plan for my PhD and so now I want to bring it all up because the main issue was that we would be doing long distance indefinitely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7025" LastEditorUserId="12962" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T11:09:03.207" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T06:54:33.767" Title="How to introduce a serious/difficult discussion in a first time phone call?" Tags="&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13303" CreationDate="2018-04-18T01:19:11.630" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whether there should be more small talk before &quot;diving into a difficult discussion&quot; is really up to you. I find it really hard to engage in small talk when I have something important to bring up---it's the 'elephant in the room' and I can't focus on the small talk at all. Especially if we &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; know that there's a heavy topic around the corner!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to jump straight into it. If you're worried that you'll get flustered and lose your way, you could write a list of dot points that you want to cover, and in the worst case scenario you can just read them out---that way, you'll still manage to communicate the important things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also okay to acknowledge that the call might be difficult. That's not a bad thing, I've had difficult conversations with people I love before, sometimes they've been awkward and that's all right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would start as you've said, by thanking them for making the time (though of course, what you're asking from a friend sounds quite reasonable and fair) and then say something like &quot;I just really wanted to talk to you about [the topic]. How are you anyway?&quot; (They'll answer, and this might lead to some small talk or it might not). Then when there's a small lull in the conversation, or whenever you feel like it, you can bring up your first dot point/the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14374" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T01:19:11.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13303" CreationDate="2018-04-18T03:01:06.930" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being in a LDR myself where i am going to do my masters in his country, i can't help but say what you're doing is great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That aside, after your initial opening, it would be wise to not immediately say your plan. &lt;strong&gt;I would go with something along the lines of&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If i were to be in Europe (or specific place where you will study), would you continue the relationship? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also mention if this was a plan before or after he moved so it lets him now if he is/is not a reason why you chose to continue studies in Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't jump immediately into explaining the solution, ease in with some questions about how he would feel if you moved to Europe, if positive you can go ahead and tell him all in an excited manner as i guess he would be happy you will be there with him.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try not to make him feel or think that the &lt;strong&gt;ONLY&lt;/strong&gt; reason why you made this choice is because of him being there.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck in this! LDR can be really tough at times so be strong. Really hope he loves that idea and you guys will be happy together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T03:55:43.723" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T03:55:43.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13268" CreationDate="2018-04-18T07:00:28.557" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have been trying to convince your partner for nine years to see a doctor, and they regularly refuse, then the message is fairly clear: They are not comfortable with going to doctors, for whatever reasons. Trying to force the issue is not going to work, and will just leave both of you feeling frustrated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do realize that every relationship is different, but after nine years, you would surely have some idea of why your partner doesn't like doctors? If you do, then you should use that information to come up with a plan which doesn't involve doctors, but still lets you address your partner's health issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way of approaching this conversation with your partner, could be: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know we don't have the same ideas on doctors, but I am concerned about your health. I have found an alternative medicine practitioner that appears to be very good at what they do. Would you be prepared to see them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T07:00:28.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13221" CreationDate="2018-04-18T07:50:58.153" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I fly often and I usually choose the aisle because it's the only seat where my legs have a chance to fit, because I'm going to put them in the aisle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are a tall person you may use this explanation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but I chosen the aisle seat because I'm too tall to seat comfortably in the other seats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will clearly explain the other person that you are not refusing to switch seat because you don't like her, but because you have some real issue with other seats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously if the other person is way taller than you, give her the seat ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1816" LastEditorUserId="1816" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T15:03:28.317" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T15:03:28.317" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13311" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13313" CreationDate="2018-04-18T09:44:20.607" Score="14" ViewCount="3625" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Dad has been diagnosed with &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/chronic-myeloid-leukaemia/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Chronic Myeloid Leukemia&lt;/a&gt; for over a year. CML is liveable, but it may have progressed to the next &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/chronic-myeloid-leukaemia-cml/stages&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;stage&lt;/a&gt; - the accelerated phase. He is expecting to get the results back today, and if it's gotten to the next phase, he will tell my family and I.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past I have &lt;strong&gt;broken down&lt;/strong&gt; in front of him when learning about his disease. I feel as though people may want to be there for me, instead I want to be there for my Dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Assuming my Dad's CML has progressed, what could I do to try and there for my Dad to help him through a tough time, and not make people feel as though they need to be there for me during the initial telling of the results?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In essence I'm looking for tips to be there for my Dad if his result are not what we wanted. As soon as I've been told bad news, I sort of shut off and break down. This may still happen, but if he tells us what we're dreading, I'd like to have ideas on how to respond and be there for him, as this may help myself to stay calm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Update&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tests were inconclusive this time, he's waiting for more update now. The good news is that no blast cells were found (which would mean lethal if found). So even though the news in this case was somewhat positive, due to the nature of his illness, bad news could always be presented for us, hence having ideas of what to say or do for my Dad if the time comes will be helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16638" LastEditorUserId="16638" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T16:32:25.640" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T16:32:25.640" Title="How to be there for my Dad when facing bad news?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13282" CreationDate="2018-04-18T10:11:42.847" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;No one else has answered the true question yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I have tactfully let him know &lt;strong&gt;that I didn't have to write&#xA;  this article&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other answers are suggesting ways you can &lt;em&gt;avoid&lt;/em&gt; doing it - or do it and invoice him - which is not the same as what you're asking. You asked how you can &lt;em&gt;tell him&lt;/em&gt; that this is not your responsibility (which it isn't).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see no reason to skirt around the facts here. This is a company you no longer work for. You are under no legal obligation to complete any more work for them. You were provided a salary in exchange for your time and you are no longer receiving that salary so they are no longer receiving your time. It's as simple as that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stating the facts does not preclude being tactful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi X&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As you're aware, my contract at MyCorp terminated in September so I'm&#xA;  not available to complete any more outstanding tasks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Best of luck at the conference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Y&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he replies to this then I would just ignore him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12820" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T10:11:42.847" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13311" CreationDate="2018-04-18T10:33:38.640" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can relate, my own mum was diagnosed with chronic &lt;em&gt;lymphocytic&lt;/em&gt; leukemia, and I could tell you every single detail about everything that happened that day, much as you have recalled the day you had the news (before your last edit).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is difficult to answer your question because everybody deals with news like this differently, and how your dad deals with it himself will determine what words he may or may not find comforting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are angry when they receive a serious diagnosis (&lt;em&gt;why is this happening to me?&lt;/em&gt;). Some may become depressed. But many people are fighters, and while they may have moments of despair they do tackle it head on. If there is some treatment or hope, they work with the docs and get on with the business of fighting it; or if there is no treatment they face up to the business of making preparations for their family to cope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know your dad better than we do. You may have an idea how he will deal with the news. You will already have seen how he has dealt with it this past year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is some hope, then keep encouraging him through any low points. Positivity alone doesn't cure anything, but he'll need it to fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is bad news, my only direct advice is to avoid platitudes - sayings that have no meaning because we've heard them a thousand times before. If you do have limited time with him, he'll want to talk about something meaningful. So &quot;act normally&quot;, but don't &lt;em&gt;act&lt;/em&gt; normal, if you know what I mean. &lt;em&gt;Be&lt;/em&gt; normal. And don't deliberately avoid the subject, unless he doesn't want to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that you can break down in private, but don't hold back your emotion from your dad. Sure, he will want to see that you are being strong and believe that you can cope without him, but you don't want to hide your feelings from him in a way that looks like you are indifferent. Your dad may want a final opportunity to comfort you and tell you that you will be okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally regarding your issue with people wanting to be with &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; while you get the results - I don't really have any direct experience of that, but it sounds a bit &lt;em&gt;X-Factor&lt;/em&gt;, people wanting to stand around holding hands while an envelope is opened waiting to cheer or cry. I don't think I would want that either. If somebody offers this to you, perhaps you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you, I may need your support afterwards, but for now I feel this&#xA;  should be about me supporting my dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the best at this difficult time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T12:14:02.687" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T12:14:02.687" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13282" CreationDate="2018-04-18T10:49:52.170" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;In short: someone is making an unreasonable demand, but you want a less harsh response than &quot;That's unreasonable&quot;. Deliberate misunderstanding is one way out. Interpret the unreasonable demand as a reasonable one and respond to &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; in a way which makes it clear what your interpretation was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here the unreasonable demand is for you to write the paper in your own time and for free. But unless the other party has been so unreasonable as to explicitly say that, you can interpret the request to write the paper in a more reasonable context. So you reply along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm glad that you consider the work worthy of publication, but I'm not currently available for a second internship at your lab.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Add sweeteners, fluff about reviewing the paper &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; writes in your capacity as co-author, etc. according to personal preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he replies to that by angrily saying that he wasn't offering a second internship, you can reply that you were responding to what seemed to be the only reasonable interpretation of the request (not explicitly saying that the actual request was unreasonable, but the implication should be obvious), and that &lt;em&gt;a fortiori&lt;/em&gt; you're not available for free work either. If he keeps replying after that, you've done all you can and there's nothing to be gained by continuing to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4831" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T10:49:52.170" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13315" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13325" CreationDate="2018-04-18T11:40:11.667" Score="2" ViewCount="3271" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have one friend whom I get along with great ... most of the time. We see each other about 1-3 times per week, sometimes together with other friends and he is generally a pleasant person to be around - even if he is also generally quite self-centered and does not take critique too well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problems arise when he is in one of his special moods. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is either: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;when he is in a particular high mood - about once every quarter, he starts suggesting and planning activities together. What sounds like a done deal then, he can´t seem to remember committing to afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When he is in a particular bad mood, about once or twice every month, he does not treat you really like a friend any more, and can become quite choleric at minor things. His bad moods seem mostly related to having a stressful time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not that he only treats me that way, others noticed this also and when he is in his bad mood, everyone treads lightly around him. I don´t think it goes so far as to be a mental health issue, but then I am no doctor. I think he may be overextending himself quite a bit, as he is self-employed and does usually do ~70 hours a week. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;May be this reads more extreme than it is, but it´s hard for me to explain better. My wife even jokingly said he was &lt;em&gt;man&lt;/em&gt;struating - and that describes the extent of it about right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I would hate to remove him from my friend-zone, I am currently struggling with the unpredictableness and the occasional unpleasant encounter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Main Question: How to approach him about his moods? The goal is to tell him how that affects others and suggest to him to improve how he deals with it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;1. Bonus: Tips how to approach when he is in his bad mood (defusing the bomb)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;2. Bonus: How to make his high promises stick or have him not make them in the first place.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We know each other about 8 years know and have been closer friends for about 6 years. I feel this moodiness was always there but got stronger - but maybe that´s just because I got to know him better. Anyways, it started to affect me only recently. I am in my late 30´s and he is in his early 40´s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far I have done nothing directly related to this, other than the occasional comment when I felt he treated me unfriendly directly. From other past experiences, I know he does not take direct criticism too well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: For those interested, the situation greatly improved after he broke it off with his girlfriend. Talking to him may have helped him to realize he was not in a good place with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-11-07T16:17:50.113" LastActivityDate="2019-07-16T12:23:37.690" Title="How to deal with moody friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13282" CreationDate="2018-04-18T12:31:01.937" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;The gall of some people! Not only does your ex-supervisor express discontent with your results during your internship, now that it is useful to him he demands you to write an article for free for which he will take all credit. Or so it appears. I can think of all kinds of expletives to say to this person, but you want a tactful and polite response, so here goes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From my understanding of our verbal agreement at the time, you would author any article about my work. During my internship, I would have gladly contributed to such a paper if there had been sufficient time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat your understanding of the agreement but also point out that none of this is in writing. Now, in academia, it is quite customary that the author of an article is not the person that actually did the work. In fact, interns and collaborating students frequently aren't even mentioned. The oral agreement as you wrote in the question leaves that possibility open and there is no need to close it now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In those months of my internship, it appeared to me that you were not impressed by my work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you sow, is what you reap. Contrary to popular belief negative feedback does not make people work harder. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since then I have moved on to more rewarding endeavors that demand my full attention, so I am sorry to say that I cannot comply with your request. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which basically means 'no' but leaves a tiny little opening for your ex-supervisor to make you an offer you cannot refuse if he wants your contribution badly enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T12:31:01.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13317" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13321" CreationDate="2018-04-18T12:46:33.580" Score="14" ViewCount="7593" Body="&lt;p&gt;Once in a while I get coffee from a nearby shop. Lot of times, the ladies at the counter are rude; especially to me, because I look like a soft target. Really, I am not confrontational unless I am at the end of my rope (on a side note, my co-workers were surprised when I was assertive and nearly aggressive with our local tax department a year back, but anyway)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What happened was: I was slowly putting change in my purse, and I even said &quot;pardon me&quot; to the lady behind me in the line. Because I was taking too long, the cashier said impatiently, &quot;Ma'am, please move aside&quot;, while she was taking the food from the lady behind me (to ring her up). When I returned the receipt, the lady rudely said, &quot;the garbage is right there&quot;. Usually, most cashiers would take the receipt for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I tend to be on slow side (especially if I'm tensed about sometime), people see me as soft target. But on the flip side, sometimes people are nice and patient (mostly males who are interested in friendship or something else, but that is another thread).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kind of reminds me of &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyG2jtA_rd8&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this scene&lt;/a&gt; from English-Vinglish (with late Bollywood actress Sri Devi).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I have said &quot;&lt;em&gt;Have a blessed day&lt;/em&gt;, would this have humbled her, perhaps offering me an apology? Please note, I also wish to be in and out, but I don't like rudeness!!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to respond to this cashier being assertive, but without being rude?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm second generation of Indian, and this happens in the USA, if that is relevant &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In this particular shop, cashier is required to print receipt. Lot of time, people will return receipt, so this is common. Next to cashier is a bunch of receipts stacked up from customers who don't need receipt.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12671" LastEditorUserId="16093" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T04:40:19.970" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T18:27:58.210" Title="How To Respond to Rude Cashier?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-04-19T10:10:37.433" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13282" CreationDate="2018-04-18T12:56:40.730" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact that your ex-boss is chasing you up for this after he was so negative about your work &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; after you left the company suggests that its publication would be more to &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; benefit than yours. You likely considered this already, but I would probably have weighed up any possible benefit against the effort involved. If such an article could help your future career, it may be worth doing, even though you are not obligated. You know best on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question asks &quot;How could I have tactfully let him know that &lt;em&gt;I didn't have to&lt;/em&gt; write this article&quot;, but actually you would be better simply stating that you are &lt;em&gt;no longer&lt;/em&gt; obligated to work for them rather than getting into whether or not you &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; obligated to (which you evidently were not if it was only discussed verbally and not in your written contract of employment).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advised initial response to his request (which is somewhat similar to some other answers) would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry but I am now in new employment and am not able to complete any&#xA;  further work for [former company].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest naming the company rather than saying &lt;em&gt;for you&lt;/em&gt; as it makes it less personal (you said there was friction between you), also you don't know who else in the company may see what you write.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As your question implies a potential debate about your obligation to do this, in the event that he responds again with this argument you could follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am happy that I fulfilled all my obligations whilst under contract&#xA;  to [company name] and am pleased that you found my work worthy of&#xA;  publication. I do not believe that writing such an article was ever&#xA;  part of my contract of employment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T12:56:40.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13319" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-18T12:57:43.250" Score="5" ViewCount="920" Body="&lt;p&gt;During elementary school one of my close friend groups was composed of three persons all living next to each other. Myself (m/22), another guy (m/22) with whom we are still best friends and hang out everyday and this girl (f/22) who moved away after elementary and we both soon lost touch with her afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last week by chance we met up but we were both with our families and we merely said hi, and asked a question or two and then we parted ways. To be noted I was a bit taken aback and was a bit awkward, since I was already lost in thought and didn't really expect meeting her. My sister also noticed she also seemed taken aback. Afterwards I waved at her in Facebook Messenger and she waved back. Then I sent her a message (about 30 minutes after seeing her) asking if she wanted to grab coffee with us sometime but she never answered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Around here it is extremely common to propose to have a coffee for any kind of meetup and since I mentioned both my friend and I, I find it hard to believe she mistook my invitation as anything weird. I haven't contacted her at all since then but I would still like to catch up with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I proceed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6115" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T01:13:07.980" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T05:04:53.963" Title="Trying to reconnect with childhood friend" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13319" CreationDate="2018-04-18T13:11:02.117" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are going to reconnect, both of you would have to want that, obviously. Bear that in mind - any advice you receive might make your messages reaching out to her more readily accepted, but they can't really change what she thinks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you have already done sounds perfectly reasonable. You have made an offer to meet for coffee, now all you need to do is wait for a response. If I understand correctly, you have done this via Facebook messenger. Am I to assume that you are not already Facebook friends because you said you lost touch? I'm no expert on Facebook's security settings, but am I right in saying that you can &quot;wave&quot; to strangers (provided they haven't blocked you), but their security settings &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; prevent messages from people they don't know? In which case she may not have got your message. Perhaps the next logical step is to 'friend' her on there. There may be other equally valid reasons why she has not seen it (for example she isn't addicted to Facebook and checking it every 5 minutes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are certain she has your message then be patient and leave it a while. You are already worried about coming over the right way and not as &quot;anything weird&quot;, so don't risk that by being pushy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some time has passed, if there is no response then maybe try again. I would suggest you try a different means of communication, such as look up her number and give her a call, if you can. This could be weird if done too soon after your message (only if she doesn't want the contact) but so long as you aren't bombarding her with contact attempts there seems no reason to think that an old friend who was happy to &quot;wave&quot; at you on Facebook would react badly to your making contact with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T13:11:02.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13317" CreationDate="2018-04-18T13:13:39.220" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going start by challenging this a little bit.  There are a couple of things to keep in mind.  Each of the two parties in an interaction have their perspective and desired goal of the interaction.  Yours, in this instance, is to receive your coffee and be treated politely.  The cashier's, on the other hand, is to serve as many people as possible with as few distractions as possible.  Keeping that in mind, the cashier saw your behavior as limiting what they needed to do - serve more customers - by being slow with an activity that they did not need to have done in front of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not trying to justify rudeness, but to illuminate a point.  Knowing that your activity was possibly impolite to not only the cashier but those in line behind you, is humbling the cashier the course of action you want to take?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that some people are deliberately rude, but more often than that people are sometimes direct and deserve the benefit of the doubt.  Generally others don't need me humbling them; that's arrogance on my part.  Others deserve to be treated with grace and dignity and I hope from that that they will do the same to others.  So how do I interact with rude people?  By trying to bless them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will smile and be polite and won't respond to what I see as rudeness with my own rudeness.  I try to respect others and treat them with dignity.  How would I respond to this cashier?  If they asked me to move over so they could serve the next customer, and I needed nothing else from them, I would smile, apologize, and move over.  It costs me nothing and helps those behind me.  How would I respond to &quot;the trash is over there&quot;?  I would smile, say &quot;thank you&quot; and throw my receipt in the trash.  Life is too short to be bothered by small acts like this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if someone were to be really, truly, rude and unpleasant with me after my attempts to be nice to them, I'd take a different stance.  If it's someone in a customer service position who was nasty, I'd speak politely to the manager and explain the interaction to them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T13:36:55.227" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T13:36:55.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13268" CreationDate="2018-04-18T13:26:48.557" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should really sit down and talk about why they don't like doctors. It can be anything from trauma/phobia/conspiracy theories to actually valid and logical reasons - maybe it &lt;strong&gt;was&lt;/strong&gt;  unnecessary to see a doctor since they have survived until now, but still check ups save lives. They may even haven't realised or don't want to admit it even to themselves. You could start with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to talk about the reason you won't see a doctor. I think we have never really discussed thoroughly about it. I am very concerned because I worry that this attitude may lead to severe consequences in case you will refuse to get a check up when you really need it. I am worried about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still give you the usual answer you could insist:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This does not answer my question as to &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; you won't see a doctor. I have the right to know as your partner and the person who gets affected by your health issues more than anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think they are not able to understand that people can get sick at any age or that medicine is really helpful. They probably hide the reason out of embarrasment or insecurity. Anyway, not wanting to know &#xA; about possible health issues and inform your partner about them is not responsible, so you could suggest a quick and cheap check up once a year (e.g. a blood test). This way you are not 'offencing' them by implying that their immune system is not able to fight the illness by its own because it is just a check up - but again that may not be the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T13:50:32.913" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T13:50:32.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13221" CreationDate="2018-04-18T15:15:16.433" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider redirecting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm sorry you were not assigned the seat you needed.  I cannot help you, but perhaps one of the attendants can.  Shall I press the call button so they can help you?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the base action is the same as other suggestions - saying no and calling the attendant if pressured - the wording is designed to give them no way to argue with you, and immediately tells them what will happen if they continue to pressure you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they pressure you, or ask why you can't help them, simply move forward with the only thing you can help them with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Again, I can't help you, but I'm pressing the call button and someone will be here shortly who may be able to help you. I hope you are able to have this situation resolved.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't give them even an inch.  Don't give them any information they don't need to know - and the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; thing they need to know is that you cannot help them resolve their problem.  Don't suggest you have a preference or specific need.  Don't give them any opening which would allow them to argue with you that their &quot;need&quot; might be greater than yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say no, call the attendant if pressured, and ignore them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T15:15:16.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13315" CreationDate="2018-04-18T15:17:54.400" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The comments and discussion on your post pretty much show that these days we are all quick to diagnose someone moody as having either depression, bi-polar disorder, or say that they must be on the autism spectrum. In fact they might just be a moody person!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to answer this question as posed, that is to say &lt;em&gt;I am accepting your opinion that he does not have a condition causing this behaviour.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is almost certainly some trigger for his change in behaviour, perhaps stress from work or another aspect of his life. The way most people handle problems and stress is &lt;em&gt;learned behaviour&lt;/em&gt;, and that can actually be harder to crack than if he did have a condition of some sort! It can be possible to develop a self-awareness of your condition that counters your default behaviour, but if you are reacting the way you think is normal then the only way that is going to change is if you first come to the realisation it may be unhealthy and then unlearn it, or learn a better way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already state that he &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a nice guy and you don't want to lose his friendship. This may mean accepting him the way he is! After all, we all want &lt;em&gt;true&lt;/em&gt; friends and not &quot;fairweather&quot; friends who are only there in good times. But I agree that it would be good if you could talk to him about this, because a true friend &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; point out when you are wrong, and this could help him in his other friendships / relationships too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't feel there is any way to begin this when he already in one of his bad moods. To be successful you would need to convince him during an open and relaxed conversation that he sometimes displays unlikable traits, and then later, when he does behave that way remind him that he is doing it. Your barrier to this is that he doesn't like to talk about feelings at any time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best attempt would be to create an ideal setting to have the discussion. It should be on one of his &quot;good&quot; days, be relaxed and informal, and in the &quot;manliest&quot; setting possible, as you say that he finds talking about feelings &quot;umanly&quot;! I'm struggling to think of things that aren't cliché here, but maybe over a beer? Also in my suggested responses I'm going to use the word &quot;friend&quot; but substitute this with whatever is the most &quot;manly&quot; term where you live, be it &quot;buddy&quot;, &quot;pal&quot;, &quot;mate&quot;, or whatever. The aim here is to not sound like you are talking about feelings, even though you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to talk to you about something. I know you won't want to hear&#xA;  this, but I'm trying to be a good friend. Sometimes you can be really&#xA;  difficult to deal with. I'm trying to figure out if I can help in any&#xA;  way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See what he says. If he doesn't understand what you mean, be more specific, but try not to attack his character. Just describe his behaviour; for example don't say he &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; moody, say he &lt;em&gt;acts&lt;/em&gt; moody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Follow this up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This isn't an attack on your character. You're a good friend and if&#xA;  you have a particular problem making you stressed, I want to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if he says there is no particular problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Next time you behave that way, I'm just going to tell you. What&#xA;  should I say to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may not go along with this. But once you've planted this seed in his mind, follow up on it. When he behaves badly, say to him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're doing it again. Snap out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest doing all of this with good humour. Lots of guys (particularly those that don't talk about feelings) are tough with their friends when they are joking around. If you keep your humour while you have this discussion, and also when you subsequently remind him about his behaviour it may just take the edge off it and show him that you are doing this as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T15:23:37.753" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T15:23:37.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13311" CreationDate="2018-04-18T15:24:10.170" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The last thing that your father needs when he gets bad news is a daughter who breaks down and needs to be comforted. The news will be awful for him. Having to focus on his daughter instead of himself will make the situation unbearable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to be there for your father. If you are not 100 percent sure that you can handle any news, then the best way to be there for your father is to not be there, get the news, wait until you are Ok or at least Ok enough to put on a brave face, and then go to your father when you are capable of giving him strength instead of sucking it away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be with your father when he gets the news: It's not about what you want. It's about what is best for your father. He needs to be strong, and the best way to get strength is to have strong people around him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously if you find advice how to stay calm, go for it. But it would be very difficult to change within one day, so I can only see using some medication as a solution. Which is far from perfect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. KRyan, I've been there, and believe me, there is nothing worse in that situation than a relative breaking out in tears. Nothing whatsoever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-04-21T18:25:44.750" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T18:25:44.750" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13327" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-18T15:52:49.290" Score="15" ViewCount="2681" Body="&lt;p&gt;About seven (7) years ago an older friend of mine, Craig, was having living and financial problems. I think he was getting some type of public assistance after he had to move out of his old family house after it was sold. I'd known him since I was 19 and am in my early forties now. I was an up-and-coming DJ/producer of dance music and he was a very powerful and influential promoter and manager of a popular dance music label at the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He had a very rare pristine vinyl record collection that all the DJs and producers wanted to get their hands on. The record collection reached mythical proportions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my friend told me he had to move out of his apartment and could not afford storage for his records, so I jumped to offer my assistance because I had dreams of being a world class DJ and producer (I still do) and have made good progress over the years with some vinyl releases mostly exported to Europe dance scene. This is a very large record collection, I guess easily over 10,000 records over 100 heavy boxes had to be moved and stored in my bedroom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After about 2 years my girlfriend told me that I have to do something with all those boxes, they're taking up the whole bedroom, so I told him to take care of them. He wanted to go in and out of the boxes to take records out and record them at my house, but I said no because it would be disruptive to my life and go on and on. We came to an agreement that he could come over and record them from time to time if I could get ownership of them. I bought some large record shelves for more permanent storage because I was under the impression that they were now mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now after 7 years he reached out to me saying he wants the records back, even though I have been storing them for so long and spent a lot of money to do so. Over the years he never said he wanted the records back. He only referred to how some of the records in the collection have gone up in value. Now he says he wants to come to my house and pack everything up personally and anything else I may have got during the move like wall pictures, art, desk, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*** Would like to add his decision to give me the records did not come quick or forced , my girlfriend and Landlord started to complain about me having over 100 boxes in the bedroom for a long time so I had to do and say something . He wanted to have access to the records which could be in any of the 100 plus boxes and going in and out of them presented a mess because the boxes wouldn't sit neat anymore and would start to look like a big mess .&#xA;He told me the only way he could have access to all the records were if&#xA;they where put up neatly on record shelfs but I told him that I would only do that if they were mine because I didn't want to display something in my home that wasn't mine . He had every right to take them and I did not rush him at all . And I remember destinctily him telling me a story that his close record collecting friend said to him that he should just give me the records , and I thought wow thats cool for him to share that with me and maybe he will give them to me , I didn't know for sure , them He told me I can have the records and he was going to come over and set me up with them and he told me to take care of them .&#xA;I wasn't sure if he would give them to me because he asked me before if he could move in with me but I said no , I don't think thats a good idea so I thought maybe he was unhappy at me because of that .   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask him to honor his agreement to not take back the gift he gave me so many years ago without causing a big fight?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16897" LastEditorUserId="16897" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T06:04:52.257" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T02:08:08.590" Title="Friend wants rare vinyl record collection back after 7 years" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13330" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-18T17:17:44.383" Score="6" ViewCount="5283" Body="&lt;p&gt;About a year ago, I did an informational interview with a friend of a friend.  We connected on LinkedIn shortly after, and I did a basic follow-up &amp;quot;thanks for meeting with me&amp;quot; email, but we haven't had any contact since then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm now planning to apply to a position in the same department she worked in when I met her (she has already moved to a different organization), and I'd like to email her to ask if she has any tips for my application or if I can mention to interviewers that I spoke with her to show that I have a bit of knowledge about the position.  I'm concerned that she won't recognize my name or remember speaking with me, so I'm considering including a brief reintroduction in the beginning of the email&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hello Dr. Smith, You may remember meeting with me for an informational interview last year as part of one of my doctoral classes at X State University.  I'm reaching out today because I noticed an open position at Organization Y and am planning to apply.  I was wondering if you had any recommendations...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if she does remember meeting with me, will this reintroduction be insulting or awkward?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How can I reintroduce myself in a way that would minimize insulting her?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13527" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T04:17:19.447" Title="How can I reintroduce myself in an email to someone I met a year ago without risking offending them?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13330" CreationDate="2018-04-18T17:42:39.230" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;How about this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello Dr. Smith, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My name is EmKayDee, we did an informational interview last year as part of one of my doctoral classes at X State University. I'm reaching out today because I noticed an open position at Organization Y and am planning to apply. I was wondering if you had any recommendations...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16909" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:15:22.520" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:15:22.520" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13317" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:36:30.757" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There was a time when businesses mostly subscribed to the idea that &quot;the customer is always right&quot;. In fact in French the equivalent expression is &quot;the customer is royalty&quot; (although whether or not they believe that is also subject matter for another thread!) You would not have been treated like this in the days when businesses knew they had to court your custom and then keep it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately today, certainly in western countries, there are two reasons this no longer happens. Firstly, the people you deal with are rarely the business owners, are often poorly paid in the service industry, and so do not particularly care about the success of the business overall (although this is shortsighted of them). Secondly though, many businesses today are built on a &quot;model&quot; and everybody is expected to know what that model is and play along with it - for example, a supermarket where you have to scan your own shopping instead of dealing with a cashier; or a restaurant where you order at a counter instead of receiving table service and have to collect your own cutlery. As well as customers having expectations of how businesses ought to treat them, businesses also now have expectations of how their customers behave in order to maximise their profits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that this coffee shop has a model of serving people quickly and getting rid of them. You noted that even the other customers seem to expect this. Given that they want to move their customers along as quickly as possible and you have come to expect this, it seems reasonable that you would cooperate with this as much as is reasonably possible by having your payment ready when asked etc. But if you don't want the receipt, I would advise not to accept it on the first place - then you don't have to try and give it back. While they may say they are &quot;required&quot; to print a receipt, there is no legal requirement to force it into your hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they offer a receipt, try saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't need a receipt, thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could you please recycle that for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would use this latter response because mentioning recycling wins you some moral highground points! Of course you don't want to come over as morally superior, but it is simple irrefutable logic that they cannot argue with: printing a receipt that you don't want is environmentally unfriendly enough, but telling you to throw paper in the trash is worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding your parting words - I love the expression &quot;Have a blessed day&quot; and it says a lot about your good character! I live in the UK, and I have never heard this expression used verbally. Am I correct in saying that this is a common expression in your own culture, but perhaps less common in the country in which you live? If so it could be taken, in ignorance, to be sarcastic. After all the person has just been rude to you, and they likely know it. It is rather like saying &quot;thank you&quot; to someone who hasn't helped you at all is clearly sarcastic. So while I hate telling you to ditch something that may be your culture, if you really do not want to be rude you may wish to consider a more colloquial expression such as &quot;have a nice day&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps, and have a blessed day!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:36:30.757" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13333" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13317" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:44:35.847" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This does sound unnecessarily rude to me. Obviously it's nice not to block the next customer while you put your money away (I would probably move a bit sideways to give the next customer a chance), but there was no need for the &quot;Ma'am, please move aside&quot;. And &quot;the garbage is right there&quot; is something that should never have been said. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to avoid this: Mostly by being self-confident, and projecting that you are not somebody to be messed with. Body stature and the right clothing will help. Standing and walking straight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to react: The first one can be ignored. Just say &quot;just a second&quot; and put your money away. Although it is nicer to be aware of customers behind you and not blocking them. The garbage remark: There are probably differences between US and UK language. In the UK, there would be a very sharp &quot;excuse me&quot;, one that doesn't say &quot;sorry&quot; but &quot;what did you just say there&quot;, followed by a very fake smile, handing your receipt to the person, and asking them to put it away for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-04-21T18:27:58.210" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T18:27:58.210" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13334" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:44:53.837" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average South American person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:44:53.837" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:44:53.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13335" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:44:53.837" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in South America, or South American culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:44:53.837" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:44:53.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13336" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:45:40.267" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Ukrainian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:45:40.267" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:45:40.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13337" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:45:40.267" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Ukraine, or Ukrainian culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:45:40.267" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:45:40.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13338" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:47:35.613" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region and so this is when this tag (and also other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average South Asian person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;South Asian countries are (in alphabetical order):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Afghanistan&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bangladesh&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bhutan&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;India&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maldives&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Nepal&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pakistan&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sri Lanka&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:47:35.613" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:47:35.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13339" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:47:35.613" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on South-Asia or its culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-07-29T10:49:25.867" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T10:49:25.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13340" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:53:28.543" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions require answers that may be specific to a certain region or culture and so this is when this tag (along with other location tags such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/united-kingdom&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;united-kingdom&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;united-kingdom&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/japan&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;japan&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;japan&lt;/a&gt;) should be used. When using this tag it is presumed that the culture/situation reflects that of the average Latin American person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Latin American countries include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Argentina&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bolivia&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Brazil&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Chile&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Colombia&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Costa Rica&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cuba&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Dominican Republic&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ecuador&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;El Salvador&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;French Guiana&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Guadeloupe (French Territory)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Guaremala&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Haiti&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Honduras&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Martinique (French Territory)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mexico&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Nicaragua&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Panama&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Paraguay&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Peru&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Puerto Rico (US Territory)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saint Barthélemy (French Territory)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saint Martin (French Territory)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Uruguay&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Venezuela&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should be used along with other tags that describe the situation which you find yourself in (such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/friends&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;friends&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;friends&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:53:28.543" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:53:28.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13341" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:53:28.543" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Latin America, or Latin American culture." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:53:28.543" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:53:28.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13342" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:56:50.427" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Grandparents are the parents of your own &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/parents&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;parents&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;parents&lt;/a&gt;, and are part of your &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/family&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;family&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;family&lt;/a&gt;. Grandparents can also be commonly referred to as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Nanny&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Grandma/Grandpa&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Grandmother/Grandfather&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Grandmom/grandad&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should also be used with the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/family&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;family&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;family&lt;/a&gt;, if them being family also plays a role in the question. Furthermore, this tag should be used with context of the situation you're in, such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/party&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;party&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;party&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:56:50.427" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:56:50.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13343" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:56:50.427" Score="0" Body="Questions involving someone's grandmother or grandfather, either biological or legal, and interactions between them or also interactions between yourself and one of them. Can also be used for interactions with someone else's grandparents." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:56:50.427" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:56:50.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13344" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:59:55.237" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In laws are typically family related to you as a result of a marriage, rather than a biological relation to them. This is most commonly as a result of marrying someone, either marrying your partner, or your parents becoming married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tag should also be used with the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/family&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;family&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;family&lt;/a&gt;, if them being family also plays a role in the question. Furthermore, this tag should be used with context of the situation you're in, such as &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/party&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;party&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;party&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:59:55.237" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:59:55.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13345" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-18T19:59:55.237" Score="0" Body="Questions involving someone's in-law family, interactions between them or also interactions between yourself and one of them. Can also be used for interactions with someone else's in-laws." OwnerUserId="18" LastEditorUserId="18" LastEditDate="2018-04-18T19:59:55.237" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T19:59:55.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13327" CreationDate="2018-04-18T21:45:19.263" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;No one likes it when someone reneges a gift, especially one of this magnitude. The magnitude, both of the cost in time, effort, and money to you as well as the cost of the records to him, is what makes this particular problem difficult. Your friend really put you in a difficult situation by dumping all of his stuff onto you for such a long time, making it seem (agreement or no) that that stuff belonged to you (possession is 9/10ths of the law). Unfortunately, that is all in the past and you can't change it, so we need to look at the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Approach the conversation with a tone of compromise.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understand that in his eyes those records still belong to him, and are very valuable both emotionally and financially. Let him know that you have become attached to them because you kept them for so long. Also point out that you have spent money to make space for them for a very long time, and that he shouldn't ignore that fact. Try to come to an arrangement that is mutually beneficial even if it means you don't get everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Forget your gentlemen's agreement.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend told you the records were yours, but obviously he feels differently now. Unless you want to make a legal claim for ownership, it is best that you move past this fact and forget that whole conversation. Focus on the current situation, which is that you have spent a lot of time and money (don't forget rent for the space that his property has been occupying). Try to understand each other now and don't become too hung up on what he said in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-18T21:45:19.263" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13348" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-18T23:54:53.620" Score="5" ViewCount="671" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not good with phones. Never have been, and likely never will be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of this is due to my severe hearing impairment, which makes spoken communication difficult at the best of times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of this is due to my severe social anxiety, which makes interpersonal communication difficult at the best of times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of this is due to complex PTSD, which makes me hypersensitive to disturbances in my environment at the best of times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Between background noise, poor connections, the lack of non-verbal cues and the fact that the phone can ring literally whenever regardless of what I'm doing, phone calls are never the best of any of these times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I try to communicate this difficulty with people who regularly call me, I end up with one of two results:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My concerns are brushed off as inconsequential. Either they downplay how much of a problem this actually is for me, or they act as if this is something I'll eventually get over with practice. Either way, the phone calls continue.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My concerns are treated seriously, in which case the calling party stops calling me for any reason ever, effectively cutting off all communication entirely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are people that I want to maintain a healthy relationship with, especially friends and family. Neither of these results are acceptable outcomes for me, and while the latter is far preferable to the former it's also a significant contributing factor in my constant fights against depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not even talking to them on the phone that's the problem, it's just the fact that talking to them on the phone is extremely draining for me. All I want is for people to respect and understand that, but this is so apparently outside of other peoples experience I seem unable to communicate it effectively without it coming off as an unreasonable overreaction to something that is so obviously trivial for others to deal with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I best communicate this issue with people without alienating them? I don't want special treatment here: I appreciate that many of my acquaintances are more comfortable using the phone than alternatives like text or e-mail. I don't begrudge them for calling me for important issues or even just to socialize. But constantly having to deal with phone calls for trivial things is extremely stressful to the point that I'm seriously considering either blocking certain people or cutting off my phone service entirely just to avoid them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16872" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T10:29:27.053" Title="How do I get people to stop excessively calling me on the phone without alienating them" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13330" CreationDate="2018-04-19T00:18:41.680" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think that your phrasing comes across as insulting. In fact I think your phrasing is pretty good, by saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; remember meeting me...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you've allowed for each case of they do remember you or they don't. Then you followed up with context to perhaps jog their memory or give context to your past contact, even if you aren't remembered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think that being more direct and stating the fact &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My name is EmKayDee, we met last year at X for Y...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;would be rude either, this is plainly stating a fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the only way you could clearly come across as rude in the context of another person's memory of you would be to make an assumption, implied or directly stated, about them, either assuming they remember you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure you remember me from X...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or assuming they forgot you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To jog your memory, we met for X...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your approach does not assume, nor imply assumption about the other person's memory, so I do not read it as rude. In fact, I read it as polite in that without making such an assumption, it allows for either case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T00:18:41.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13348" CreationDate="2018-04-19T03:39:15.990" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How do I get people to stop excessively calling me on the phone without alienating them?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;By creating and encouraging the expectation that texting is the best way to communicate with you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following comment outlines the double bind you have put yourself in. You want to stay in contact with people without them regularly calling you, but are also not giving them a viable alternative out of fear that the text will result in a call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;@Jesse I have a constant fear of texting people just because I expect them to respond with a phone call. I always set my phone to DND immediately after a text just as a precaution. – jipsaw 7 mins ago&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To create the expectation that texting is the best way to communicate with you, you may have to work through this fear. Fortunately though they are responsive to your texts and you have the ability to &lt;strong&gt;decline&lt;/strong&gt; phone calls. The first step is to &lt;em&gt;start texting people&lt;/em&gt;. Since this is uncommon for you (or at least not as common as you would like) it might be helpful to have an objective for the conversation, so when something next comes up where you would normally try and meet them face to face to tell them... send a text! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next you want to establish and enforce the boundary that (generally speaking) you will not accept phone calls. So when they inevitably call you to talk about the text you sent, decline the call and send a follow up text. I would go with something such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would be much better for me if we texted instead of called, I was just trying to sort out [reason for original text].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it is important to establish this boundary and enforce it by declining phone calls whenever reasonable, in the long term I think focusing on positive encouragement of being extra responsive with texting rather than focusing on the negative rejection of calls will be the most beneficial for your goal. This way, it is not about whether they are taking your concerns seriously or not and you do not have to keep having this unsuccessful discussion about why they should or should not call you. Instead texting just becomes normalised as the best/most successful way to communicate with you. Encouraging the texting is also probably the best way to avoid alienation as it shows them that you &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; want to communicate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine moved to Germany, and we remained in contact however their clerical job was 99% taking phone calls and they quickly developed a resentment towards it. While the conversation as to why they didn't want to call did come up occasionally, what was clearly the most effective at getting me and others to message them rather than call was the mere fact that they would decline calls but message us regularly. I have a slight preference for calling but even after over a year, their dislike towards phone calls does not cause any issue with our ability and willingness to communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your family may not properly understand your struggle, but they do want to communicate with you and hopefully this way you can establish some helpful boundaries while still encouraging that communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T04:11:39.833" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T04:11:39.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13327" CreationDate="2018-04-19T04:34:53.627" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My experience in a similar situation, where a roommate left belongings behind, dictates that you should keep the records if you want to. Unless you value the previous owner as a friend. In that case just calculate the cost of climate-controlled storage for 7 years. Tell him if he wants the records, he has to pay for storage and related costs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is a good answer because it is an equitable solution to both parties, and, in my experience, it is the path taken in arbitration of such cases as yours. In the absence of written documentation, verbal agreements are valid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If neither party provides written proof of ownership, and no crime has been committed, whoever physically possesses the items is the legal owner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-24T02:08:08.590" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T02:08:08.590" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13356" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13365" CreationDate="2018-04-19T05:26:18.600" Score="7" ViewCount="17984" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was meant to buy travel tickets for somebody, but they all got sold out before I could. There were reasons for them not being able to buy the tickets themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was helping out, they asked me to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not being able to travel on those specific dates is a bit of an inconvenience to them, so I apologised. I said: &quot;&lt;em&gt;I'm sorry I couldn't book the tickets for your family. I know [person1] was really looking forward to meeting [person2]. Tell them I'm sorry too.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They said, &quot;&lt;em&gt;Don't worry about it&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. I was ready to let it go too, because I actually did try my best, so I don't really blame myself for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what do I say to that? I didn't want to just say &quot;&lt;em&gt;Ok&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, I felt like it'd make the apology sound insincere. I went with &quot;&lt;em&gt;Thank you&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. But in retrospect, it feels a little out-of-place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the social etiquette for responding (if at all) to &quot;&lt;em&gt;Don't worry about it&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, or to conclude that conversation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4711" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T10:33:30.890" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T10:33:30.890" Title="What is the etiquette for responding to &quot;Don't worry about it&quot; with something you are sorry about" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;australia&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13315" CreationDate="2018-04-19T05:40:08.710" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;People who work to excess get worn down eventually. Then, they pop back up. If you feel like he doesn't respect you, then you should talk to him. Be honest and understanding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;when you do such and such, I feel so and so.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOT,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;you make me feel so and so.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This allows truth to be known in a nonthreatening way, so no one will be on the defensive.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T21:13:02.873" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T21:13:02.873" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13327" CreationDate="2018-04-19T07:14:45.373" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Did you get any benefit at all out of this transaction? You mentioned that you initially offered to store the records, because it would feed into your dream of becoming a world-class DJ.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you did get some benefit of being the curator of this sought-after collection, then that sort of cancels out the hardship and cost of storage over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The complication is then the &lt;em&gt;gentleman's agreement&lt;/em&gt; that the records belong to you, because you have been storing them. As has been said, any agreement like this which involves valuables, should be formally ratified with a document, to avoid drama down the track.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question really boils down to whether you want to keep the records or not. Would losing the collection damage your reputation or dreams? If not, then you can return them and let his karma sort out the integrity issues of reclaiming a gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have been looking after the records for seven years, and as we discussed five years ago, they technically belong to me now. While I would have cared for the records regardless, believing that they were mine meant that I spent more effort and money on ensuring that they were all stored properly and kept in good condition. Your request to have all the records returned to you has quite frankly come as a bit of a shock, but if you, in spite of our agreement, want me to return the records to you, then I will. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally wouldn't go down the path of losing a friend over a record collection. But, I do think he needs to realize that just waltzing in after five years of the records being yours and asking for them to be returned, is not okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The problem is let's say it's too much of a headache and I decide to give them back, he can then claim that several records are missing and come after me for that ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If several records are indeed missing, then that is a different problem, and one you would raise with him if you decide to return the record collection to him. Realistically, he cannot afford to be petty about the transaction, because had you not offered to look after the collection in the first place, it is likely that it wouldn't have survived seven years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He told me I can have the records and he was going to come over and set me up with them and he told me to take care of them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't seem like he was parting with the records forever. Why would he ask you to take care of them, and why would he assist you with setting them all up [on shelves] if they were now your records?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastEditorUserId="5653" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T09:32:13.663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T09:32:13.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13363" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13366" CreationDate="2018-04-19T08:00:54.767" Score="38" ViewCount="9600" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 15 years old, living in Israel. Occasionally, I visit senior citizens on their birthdays - bringing balloons and stuff, with a few other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These people who we visit are usually older Russians (there are a lot of Russian immigrants here), who are not very often so religious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, personally, am American, so there are three cultures at play here - Russian, American, and Israeli.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I go into these people's apartments, very often they will offer me food, either packaged or something they've made. If it's packed I will usually have no problem eating it, but if it's something homemade I can't usually take it because I don't know if it's kosher. And if I ask if it's kosher, there are different standards, but I &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; don't want to offend these people by giving the impression that it's not kosher &quot;enough&quot; for me, since these people are usually not observant (keeping the rules of the religion strictly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd prefer to simply decline when offered homemade food during these visits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is, I don't know what the etiquette is in Russia for declining offers like this (or even Israeli or American etiquette).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a specific etiquette for this in Russian culture? An accepted way to do it without being offensive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T08:37:34.857" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T15:17:03.807" Title="Is there a Russian etiquette on declining offers of food when visiting someone?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;&lt;israel&gt;&lt;russia&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13327" CreationDate="2018-04-19T08:46:37.590" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's first try and see if from your friend's point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;he had to move out of his apartment and could not afford storage for&#xA;  his records, so I jumped to offer my assistance&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;original&lt;/em&gt; agreement you made was &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; for you to assume ownership of the records. You offered to assist &lt;em&gt;with the storage&lt;/em&gt; of his records, and you did that for 2 years without question. During that time there was no question that he owned the records.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;After about 2 years my girlfriend told me that I have to do something&#xA;  with all those boxes, they're taking up the whole bedroom, so I told&#xA;  him to take care of them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So 2 years into the &lt;em&gt;original&lt;/em&gt; agreement you asked him to &quot;take care&quot; of the records which presumably could have included taking them back. Again, at this point you still understood and accepted that they belonged to him despite the fact you had stored them for 2 years without question or charge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;He wanted to go in and out of the boxes to take records out and&#xA;  record them at my house, but I said no because it would be disruptive&#xA;  to my life and go on and on. We came to an agreement that he could&#xA;  come over and record them from time to time if I could get ownership&#xA;  of them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So his initial request was to have easy access to the records so he could make recordings of them, but after negotiation you eventually agreed that he would only get much more &lt;em&gt;limited&lt;/em&gt; access to the records at times convenient to you AND only if you took ownership of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be very easy to side with you on this - you appear to have been very generous in your original offer to store these records for free; your request that his coming and going to get the records doesn't cause disruption also seems reasonable, and he does appear to be going back on a verbal agreement. But it does seem that you got a very good deal out of this while your friend lost out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I accept that the storage has been something of an inconvenience to you but it is difficult for you to argue the storage itself has cost you anything financially when you did that for 2 years for free. As far as I can see the only tangible cost to you is some shelving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you do not mention whether or not your friend has managed to access &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; of his records over the last 5 years since this secondary agreement. If he hasn't, then arguably you have not kept your side of it. Did you include in your agreement a &quot;reasonable&quot; amount of time for him to complete the task? Five years ought to have been plenty of time, and as &lt;strong&gt;your ownership hinged on his getting reasonable access to these records&lt;/strong&gt;, if he hasn't had that then arguably the agreement is void. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your IPS question is &lt;strong&gt;how can I ask him to honor his agreement to not take back the gift he gave me so many years ago without causing a big fight?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't believe you can avoid a fight - not if you both take up a contrary position on the validity of this second agreement. Giving you some suggested words to state your position won't really help as your friend clearly has a contrary position. He already disagrees with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best chance is to &lt;strong&gt;highlight the second agreement you made&lt;/strong&gt; and hope that as a friend he is prepared to honour that. The likelihood is that he knows very well what you spoke about and has come to consider it unfair. You are going to have to talk this over, whether that constitutes a reasonable discussion or a &quot;fight&quot; will depend on how you both approach it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T14:04:37.003" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T14:04:37.003" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13365" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13356" CreationDate="2018-04-19T09:53:55.483" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Both &quot;OK&quot; and &quot;Thank you&quot; are good answers to conclude that part of the conversation. Their response of &quot;Don't worry about it&quot; can also be a conclusion to the conversation.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Which one to choose depends on how sorry you feel about failing the request and how likely it was that you would have gotten the tickets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;no response&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If it was really unlikely from the start and they just asked you in case of that very slim chance of stil getting the tickets it's perfectly fine to not respond at all. Just continue with regular smalltalk like you usually would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;OK&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You've got your own responsibilities (work/kids/hobbies/...) and really didn't have the time to get them earlier. Your friend realises this as well so there's no reason to feel guilty about it. They really mean it when they said &quot;don't worry about it&quot;. No harm was done here. Just a simple &quot;OK&quot; to aknowledge their response and then continue about other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;over the top guilt&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In case you had all the time in the world and it's entirely your fault that you didn't get the tickets. You may have explicity explained how it's your fault and that you're sorry about it. They respond with &quot;don't worry about it&quot; meaning they value your friendship over you not getting their tickets. In this context it makes sense to say &quot;thank you&quot; to show how relieved you are that they don't want to hold this against you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From how you wrote the question I'd say you're somewhere in between the last 2 cases. OK would've probably been fine. Thank you might be a little too much but that doesn't make it a bad response. At this point it depends more on your body language and how you continue after this sentence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself would've probably gone with a slightly more casual form of &quot;thanks&quot; with a smile and redirect the conversation to something different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since they did have an alternative, albeit a bit inconvenient, there's no real harm done anyway. Them asking you for a favor (that you sadly couldn't fulfil) is something different than you making a hard promise to get those tickets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: OK/Thanks/thank you/... are all perfectly viable answers as long as it's done with a possitive body language to support it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T09:53:55.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13363" CreationDate="2018-04-19T09:59:29.603" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since I'm from Ukraine, the Russians are quite similar in offering food to guests. Ukrainians are even more persistent. For me, when I visiting someone, especially grannies, and I don't want to eat there, there is no special way to say it. I'd say it this way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you greatly for your hospitality, it’s surely very tasty, but I&#xA;  am not really hungry/in rush/had lunch already/don't feel good&#xA;  today/etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Russian if needed: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Спасибо большое за гостеприимство, это наверняка очень вкусно, но я&#xA;  /не голодный/спешу/уже пообедал/плохо себя чувстую/итд.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Transcription: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Spasibo bol'shoye za gostepriimstvo, eto navernyaka ochen' vkusno, no&#xA;  ya /ne golodnyy/speshu/uzhe poobedal/plokho sebya chuvstuyu/itd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will not be very upset, because the offering is often given only to show the hospitality and how nice they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15890" LastEditorUserId="15890" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T21:20:40.997" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T21:20:40.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13363" CreationDate="2018-04-19T10:29:50.600" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an American with multiple friends in Israel.  I have been on the other side of this debate a great many times (actually almost got kicked out of a VERY nice hotel in Jerusalem for ordering non-kosher pizza while visiting) ... here is my take:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do NOT lie&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying you are not hungry, or you don't feel good, or any other excuse is lying ... which is also against your religion.  If you are too devout to eat my gift of food, then you are certainly too devout to lie to my face about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you believe something, you shouldn't be afraid of what you believe&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am giving you a gift, if your religion prevents you from eating it ... then explain as such.  If you truly believe in your religion, then you should not fear explaining your beliefs as such.  I have had long debates with multiple Jewish people that practice multiple levels of Kosher.  I can't say I agree with their practice, but it is not for me to judge what they do or do not eat.  And to that point, if someone does judge you for your adherence to your religion... then maybe it is not worth your time associating with them anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Accepting a gift of food does not mean you have to eat it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just because you can't eat it doesn't mean you don't know of someone else who might enjoy it.  Many of my friends have given me (damn heathen that I am) food that they have been given.  This allows them to avoid the Kosher aspect while also not dealing with the confrontation of rejecting a gift... and they get to bring a smile to someone else's face (which was the intent of the gift in the first place).  Everyone wins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2728" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T08:21:58.547" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T08:21:58.547" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13368" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-19T11:26:10.407" Score="19" ViewCount="5384" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandparents have a caravan at the Baltic see where they basically spend all summer. This, in my view, is good for them. They get to be in nature, which should be good for their health, and they seem to have a more active social life there than at home, which is also good imho. Of course renting the space costs money, and quite a bit at that, but as far as I can tell its totally worth it for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, my grandma likes to buy stuff on teleshopping channels - stuff like lotions, jewellery, clothing and candles. And while I don't particularly want to get involved in their choices - its their money - I feel this isn't adding nearly as much value to their lifes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can probably see where this is going. Every year, the choice to continue caravanning is in jeopardy because &quot;it's too expensive&quot;, while the shopping goes on basically without interruption. When trying to talk to her about it, you'll hear things like &quot;it's just a couple of Euros&quot;, apparently not realizing that this adds up if you order every other week. Also, my grandma gets quite defensive and feels being harassed when people disagree with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make this a more productive conversation? I don't want to tell her what to do, I just want her to be more deliberate in her spending, and try to convey my sense of how much value both choices add to their lifes. How can I talk to her about it without seeming to intrude into her choices or questioning her judgements? (Of course, to some extend, that is what I'm doing, but with the best intentions.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16936" LastActivityDate="2018-04-22T17:56:52.983" Title="How to talk to family member about their spending?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;grandparents&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5488" CreationDate="2018-04-19T12:32:46.913" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I realize this is an old question, but my answer is a little different.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I don't know much about Aspergers, but if you have difficulty with social situations, and a tendency to take things too literally, which leads to communication problems - this may help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My take on this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do general interview preparation. Most of your answers should be the same as if you didn't have Aspergers (goals, experience, technical questions, previous work, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interviewing has a tighter set of social rules, I expect this will work to your advantage (easier for you to navigate than 'general human interaction').    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pay special attention to answering these three very common areas &#xA;- tell me your strengths &#xA;- tell me your weaknesses&#xA;- &quot;Is there anything else that we should know?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;strengths/weaknesses&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You've already done a great job explaining these in your question. Memorize an outline so it comes across the same way you wrote it.  Practice, then practice more in front of people. Try Toastmasters International (toastmasters.org) - an interview is a lot like public speaking, and they will give you honest feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt; you want to reveal your diagnosis (I'm not saying you should but you seem to want to) the time for it is at the END of the interview.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You FIRST want to put your best foot forward.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you say that early, before they are comfortable, they will be watching you more closely the rest of the time.  Minor things that they &lt;em&gt;would have&lt;/em&gt; passed off as nervousness will have a label instead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that helps someone&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9927" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T12:32:46.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13371" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-19T12:40:57.517" Score="38" ViewCount="12431" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to have a friend who I would fairly regularly see - usually for lunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few details about this individual:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Very quiet and shy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is a high-functioning autistic individual&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Socially awkward&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We fell out of touch a few years ago when he (very suddenly) lost his job and moved away, however he quite recently moved back and has started to try to restore the friendship, which I was originally receptive to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I've since stumbled across an article on the website of one of my local news outlets, dated around the time he lost his job, indicating he had been convicted of a crime. The judge showed leniency because of his autism and he wasn't put in jail (it was deemed that he would be at risk from the other inmates). I won't go into details of the crime, but suffice to say I find his particular crime abhorrent, and as such no longer wish to be associated with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ignored his previous communication (sent in a setting where it could be feigned as unnoticed) - but would like a way to firmly cut ties with him the next time he reaches out without being insulting. How can I do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16939" LastEditorUserId="2728" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T06:32:59.920" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T12:40:07.457" Title="Rebuffing a former friend's (now a convicted criminal) attempts to restore friendship" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13368" CreationDate="2018-04-19T12:45:06.437" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I am sure you have their best interests in mind, they have been around a little longer than you, and should therefore be justified in spending their money on whatever they want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is fully possible that they end up spending all their money on things that you deem not worthy of spending money on, and they later regret doing so. However, it is their money, and it is their prerogative to make their own mistakes.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If their decisions are hurting you, or your way of life, it is a different story. Otherwise, I would suggest not worrying about it, and letting them enjoy their money in whatever way they choose to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address the comments (@avazula) that my answer is off-target, I would like to add that one doesn't go around giving unsolicited advice to family members (especially those who are older), unless there is a compelling reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no such reason noted in the question, but rather that the purpose is to impress upon the grandparents that they don't know what is best for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, if you have a good relationship with your grandparents, and this is really bothering you, why don't you approach the issue with them, from the point of view of this being your problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It really concerns me that you are not spending your money the way I think you ought to spend it. I fully understand that you can do whatever you want with your money, and that technically this is none of my business, but I wanted to let you know that your current spending patterns are bothering me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you are opening up the topic for discussion. Your grandparents may not be interested in continuing this particular conversation, but at least you have put your cards on the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastEditorUserId="5653" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T05:49:10.777" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T05:49:10.777" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13371" CreationDate="2018-04-19T13:17:59.920" Score="82" Body="&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that doing this is a step that both of you cannot go back from.  Suppose 10 or 20 years down the road he wants to reach out to you.  Will you still hold that against him?  If not, then firmly cutting ties may not be the best decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But lets say that it is.  You want to never again be associated with your friend.  I think that the most effective way to do this is to say: &quot;I need to be frank with you.  You were convicted of [x].  Whatever the circumstances, I find this abhorrent and cannot get past that.  I'm sorry but I need cut our ties&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This tells him why and what steps you are taking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's what you want to do, stop reading here.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd challenge myself, however, to be his friend.  I'd try to find out his side of the story.  Not all prosecutions are unfair (and I'd say most of them are fair and proper), but there are enough anecdotes out there of overly zealous prosecutors and bad defenses that I'd want to do that for a friend.  Before I write someone out of my life, I want to be absolutely sure I'm making the right decision.  I may decide to take some time away for me to process this information.  I may decide that he needs a friend more than he needs ostracism.  There are a couple variables that I personally would want to address.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T13:29:10.400" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T13:29:10.400" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13374" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13371" CreationDate="2018-04-19T13:19:23.697" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given that your former friend was convicted of something, and given that this conviction is what is making you uneasy, it would make sense for you to approach him and be honest about where you are coming from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I heard you were convicted of &lt;em&gt;blah&lt;/em&gt;? I personally find that kind of behaviour reprehensible, and would prefer not to have anything more to do with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, he has most likely had plenty of time to think about, and atone for, his actions. Since he is not (by your description) a very outgoing type of person, and he has been locked away for some time, then chances are that he has very few &quot;friends&quot; at all. Hence, giving him a second chance might actually be beneficial for everyone (&lt;em&gt;note that this depends a lot on what the crime was&lt;/em&gt;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5653" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T13:19:23.697" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13375" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13371" CreationDate="2018-04-19T13:23:30.397" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest you should be straight in saying you do not want to see him again but present it as &quot;I'm interested in different things these days. We really don't have anything in common any more&quot;. This way you can avoid talking about the real issue because if that comes up it could end up in a situation where he tries to justify his actions and it is clear from your post that you do not want to talk about the criminal activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, trying to postpone a difficult discussion by saying you're busy, is simply leaving the door open to him saying &quot;how about next week then?&quot; and you will end up on a merry go round. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have any experience with Autistic men but there are quite a few other topics here that mention autism and might be helpful to you. One of the answers in this one - &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3385/dealing-with-somebody-whos-ignoring-my-very-existence/3521#3521&quot;&gt;Dealing with somebody who&amp;#39;s ignoring my very existence&lt;/a&gt; - explains quite a bit about how information is processed and suggests that a written response can be more effective than talking to the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16834" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T13:23:30.397" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13368" CreationDate="2018-04-19T13:38:02.750" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you really want to make them rethink their spending, try and go through the purchases they have made with them. Get them to see how much they have spent recently and how much they have used the things they have bought. This helps them be able to see the value they are getting out of their money and rethink the choices they have made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However&lt;/strong&gt;, do not tell them what you think has value when talking to them about this. It would end up being manipulative and could cause them make decisions that they don't actually want which would end up with them being unhappy in the end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15959" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T13:38:02.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13363" CreationDate="2018-04-19T13:39:19.000" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;That’s not an easy one since, as it’s already been said, most Russian hosts could be very persistent in offering you food even on a casual visit, more so if it is some meaningful event like a birthday. I googled this question in Russian and actually most popular etiquette suggestions were to put at least something at your plate and make an impression that you are eating more, compliment it etc, because it would be rude not to eat at least something. Obviously, that’s not what I think you should do, just saying this to make a point that, apparently, Russian people themselves haven’t quite figured out how to say no to a food offer, especially if your hosts are elderly people and very insisting. Now I thought about a compromise, maybe this could work, but I’m not sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe, you could decline the food, but say that you will gladly have a cup of tea with them. Obviously, that’s in case you don’t have reasons not to drink tea and/or eat sweets and pastry. Drinking tea is omnipresent in Russia and is a great part of a culture. Many people would have it almost after every meal, especially with guests, and it’s also an important part of a birthday dinner, usually with cake, biscuits, pastry etc. I don’t think that many people nowadays make their pastry at home, therefore those should be packaged food. If you are still not sure you could bring some pastry you surely know what is made of, actually it could be a nice thing to do since it’s very common in Russia for guests to bring some pastry, like in many countries they bring wine. Just say, I brought something for the tea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3382" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T13:39:19.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13378" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13368" CreationDate="2018-04-19T13:42:45.233" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think your motives are in doubt here. If you were trying to stop them spending their money so you can inherit it at a later date you wouldn't be so keen for them to go caravanning. You have the best of intentions, but as you yourself have pointed out, it is &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than criticise her spending directly, &lt;strong&gt;you may be able to plant the idea in her mind that she is wasting her money&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the junk or products she orders are building up in their home, you could remark:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You've got quite a collection of [lotions] here, grandma!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, another way would be for you to buy her as a gift a more modestly priced item that she spends too much on from the shopping channel. I'm going to stick with lotions, because I saw recently that one of the well-known German discount supermarkets sells an anti-ageing cream for £3.49 (UK) which allegedly rivals a &lt;em&gt;La Prairie&lt;/em&gt; cream that sells for £500. You could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you like lotions, grandma so I bought you this - people are&#xA;  saying it is as good as an expensive designer lotion but can you&#xA;  believe it only costs €x.xx?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try and draw her into a discussion on the cost of lotions, and when she mentions how much she spends on the shopping channel, you could add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hmm, I hear the prices on the shopping channel are quite inflated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might take some time, but hopefully you can gently persuade her to reach her own conclusion about the expense or wastefulness of ordering from these channels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T13:42:45.233" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13379" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-19T13:43:07.893" Score="81" ViewCount="26855" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a recent graduate from a school in the United States that has a large number of international students. During my time there, I became friends with someone who I will refer to as &quot;Suzy.&quot; Suzy and I became close by spending time playing a popular video game together, and we eventually graduated and both moved to a similar location for our post graduation jobs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem began when Suzy broke up with her boyfriend. After breaking up, Suzy began suggesting that we should get married so that she could retain her ability to stay and work in the united states. I am uncomfortable with this for a number of reasons, not the least of which is fraud. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried suggesting that I am not comfortable with this, but she usually just laughs it off and brings it up again later. She is very good at avoiding any attempts of serious discussions about this matter by sidestepping direct questions and changing the subject. How can I communicate to Suzy that I am not comfortable with these questions? My overall goal is that she will stop asking me to get married, and that we will stay friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:37:35.033" LastActivityDate="2018-12-22T03:17:40.893" Title="How do I politely decline a request for a contract marriage?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13379" CreationDate="2018-04-19T14:02:35.897" Score="33" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Suzy, you need to listen to me for a moment: I don't feel good about this idea and neither do I support it now, nor will I support it at any point in the future. You have to talk about this with someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leaves no room for being misunderstood and if she is trying to &quot;sidestep&quot; it you can simply continue to say this. It might feel a bit rude, but what she is doing is rude and she won't stop because you have shown that she can simply sidestep the issue and bring it up again. She is trying to grind you down until you break and agree to her plan just so that she will stop pestering you with it. It won't stop by itself, so you have to tell her this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also the nice thing to do because you state that you won't change your mind and that she will have to search for someone else who is more willing to agree. By clearly stating that you won't break you show her that the time she would have spent on trying to persuade you will be put to more efficient use from her perspective by searching for someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="372" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T14:02:35.897" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13379" CreationDate="2018-04-19T14:03:02.493" Score="172" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yeah, fraud is what I call &quot;Not a good thing&quot;.  The feds aren't pleasant about that particular one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She apparently won't talk seriously about this, so follow her lead: don't talk seriously about it.  She mentions getting married to commit visa fraud, you treat it the same way: as a joke.  &quot;haha!  Yeah, that'd be hilarious!  We can do prison time together!  We could have matching cells, too...&quot;  &quot;We could do that, but my parents demand 6 cows, 2 sheep, and a ferrari before they sell me off for visa fraud.  I think I can swing the livestock...&quot;  &quot;Wow, a 'male-order' wedding...&quot;.  Let her decide to be serious about it - as long as you approach it with the same level of levity, or even more, she'll understand that you don't take it seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd add that she could be joking about this, albeit a poor and long-running joke.  Taking this too seriously, if it is indeed an attempt at humor, may risk your relationship as well.  Enjoy it, have a laugh, and keep in mind that until you both sign a marriage certificate it's all just talk.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@fr13d has made an excellent point that I would like to add: Just be careful about how far you play along so you don't miss the opportunity to say a quick and earnest &quot;no&quot; to her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T13:34:24.910" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T13:34:24.910" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13379" CreationDate="2018-04-19T14:06:12.453" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sorry to hear you're in this situation. Trying to stay friends with someone can be difficult when you are being pressured into something you don't want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to be honest with her. You state that she is very good at avoiding any type of serious discussion about this topic, but the key is to try and create the opportunity to have this conversation, even if it means making yourself a little uncomfortable or pressuring her in return. Emphasize that you are not interested in doing this, and if you are comfortable enough in sharing your reasons, you can do so at this time as well (Personally, I would recommend against doing this as it gives her an opportunity to argue against your reasons).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key would be to ensure that she verbally acknowledges that you are uncomfortable with the question, and explain that while you do want the best for her and hope that she can find a way to retain her ability to stay and work in the US, that her repeated questions are straining the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it hopefully never gets this far, if it gets to a point where you need to cut off your connection with her entirely because of this issue, you should explain this as well. Don't skirt around the issue with phrases such as &quot;Maybe&quot; or &quot;That doesn't sound like it would work&quot;, or provide excuses. Firmly, but politely, remind her that you are not interested in doing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've already tried all of this and you were very firm about it, unfortunately, she may simply not be the type of friend who is willing to take &quot;no&quot; for an answer, and you may have to reconsider this friendship. If she gets offended or stops being your friend over this issue, you should think about whether she ulterior motives behind becoming your friend. The best solution in these cases would be to reduce all interactions with her until she moves on and (hopefully) realizes that you two can still be friends without this issue getting in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16940" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T14:06:12.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13383" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13371" CreationDate="2018-04-19T14:28:25.387" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone commits a crime, there is punishment, and then there are consequences. The two are very different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Punishment is limited&lt;/strong&gt;, and without getting into a debate about whether or not sentences are sufficient or too lenient, the bottom line is that once a prison sentence is over or a fine has been paid then the criminal has &quot;paid their debt to society&quot; and that is the end of the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Consequences though can be ongoing&lt;/strong&gt;. Every action has consequences, and these don't necessarily end when the punishment is over. For example (&lt;em&gt;and I am not suggesting this is the crime for which your friend was convicted&lt;/em&gt;) a paedophile may complete a sentence and be declared as rehabilitated but a court order may prevent him from working with children for the rest of his life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the crime for which your former friend was convicted is abhorrent to you, it is understandable that you don't want to be around him. That is a &lt;em&gt;consequence&lt;/em&gt; of his actions, and he has to live with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I make this point because a large part of your difficulty in saying what you want to say to him is likely that you feel some kind of guilt for being unable to &quot;forgive&quot; him, but if the details of his crime affect on any level, you have no reason to feel guilt about it. Most criminals are subject to some kind of rehabilitation program and likely he will have been made to understand that too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As we do not know the details of his crime and I do not wish to send you into a direct confrontation which could be dangerous or inadvisable, you do have the option of ignoring / blocking his communications. Some will argue this isn't an &quot;interpersonal&quot; solution but I think it sends a very clear &quot;non-verbal&quot; message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you must to have a final conversation with him, then just be straight and honest. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have become aware of the reason you moved away. I appreciate that&#xA;  you have paid the price for your crime now, but I'm afraid I don't&#xA;  want to be associated with you as a result of that crime. I hope that&#xA;  you can turn your life around, but I ask that you do not contact me&#xA;  again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T08:58:22.717" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T08:58:22.717" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13384" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13387" CreationDate="2018-04-19T14:48:02.990" Score="34" ViewCount="5111" Body="&lt;p&gt;At least once a week, I have to get blood drawn to comply with a treatment regimen. I don't have a problem with this. I'm not afraid of needles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trouble is that I can't always have the same person draw me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone who has worked with me before knows that using the smallest needle is most effective and won't cause me pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my preferred phlebotomist isn't available, I am still required to stay on schedule and have the blood work done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always make a point of insisting that the smaller needle be used, but this doesn't go over well with everyone. There have been several instances where I've had someone grant my request, but they were clearly not too happy about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;How can I be firm on what I need without coming across as insolent?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can sympathize with the people who don't like my request. From my own work experience, I understand how frustrating it is to have someone tell you how to do your job when they are the one asking for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I've had this procedure done more times than I can recall, and I know what works for me based on several painful experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Maintaining a good relationship with anyone who cares for me is important because I may have to accept help from that person again in the future.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The small needle is referred to as a &quot;butterfly&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I think they may be reluctant to use the small needle because they tend to have a more limited supply of these, and they are typically used on children.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The procedure doesn't seem to take much time at all with the small needle.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; a hospital setting. Every time I go to the facility, I have to present a copy of my insurance card and a doctor's order. If there is any kind of chart system, I've never seen it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The suggestion to refer to my preferred phlebotomist by name may work the best. There are very few staff members, and they seem to know each other well.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16947" LastEditorUserId="16947" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T14:55:50.437" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T21:13:26.060" Title="How to be firm on what I need without causing offense?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13368" CreationDate="2018-04-19T15:17:16.597" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the part where you mention:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;you'll hear things like &quot;it's just a couple of Euros&quot;, apparently not realizing that this adds up if you order every other week. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most objective way of showing your grandma that the &quot;little euros&quot; she spends build up, would be to invite her to log her purchases, by either saving the receipts or writing the amount spent on a notebook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now for this part:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and try to convey my sense of how much value both choices add to their lifes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be a tricky road, so I would advise you to avoid judging value by &lt;em&gt;your perspective&lt;/em&gt; and instead understand it from their point of view. Maybe the purchase does have a big emotional value even if it's not good as a material investment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important that you keep in mind that if they are older they might have a different perspective on &lt;strong&gt;mid-term investment vs. immediate pleasure&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to finally answer your question: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I make this a more productive conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to keep the conversation productive is to first prioritize you understanding the actual value of their spendings -- from their perspective. After you gathered the real values, then you can try to quantify and write the numbers down in order to make the whole picture more tangible and easier to assess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6479" LastEditorUserId="6479" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T15:25:47.113" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T15:25:47.113" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13384" CreationDate="2018-04-19T15:26:43.950" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;Medical personnel definitely do not appreciate patients telling them how to do their job. As you can imagine, the rise of the internet means people Google their symptoms and many doctors have lost patience with people who won't listen to their expert opinion because they have already convinced themselves they have something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, when a patient has a long-term condition as you do, it is expected that you would know more about that condition that most, and more importantly you know yourself and how you react to treatment etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you say, you have tried asserting yourself and it hasn't been well received by everyone. It would seem the problem is more their attitude than yours. However you can probably soften what you say to make it more readily received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure it is clear what you say comes from your own &lt;em&gt;experience&lt;/em&gt;,&#xA;and not your &lt;em&gt;opinion&lt;/em&gt; or the opinion of the internet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Also it would likely help if what you say reflects the findings of&#xA;the medical staff who have treated your previously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't wait until they have the wrong needle out. Perhaps while you are getting ready, taking your shirt off or whatever, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure this is in my notes, but your colleagues have had problems using the larger needles on me, they always say they have to use the smallest kind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully this will get the best reaction. You haven't stated that this is your opinion, you have shown that this is from past experience and that their colleagues have introduced the use of the smaller needles. I think that this is as respectful of their expertise as you can be at this stage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If however they object and you really want to assert yourself to avoid the unnecessary pain, you may have to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I mean no offence, but can I see the phlebotomist I saw previously? They know not to use the larger needle on me. It really hurt and I don't want to go through&#xA;  that again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would hope that stating you have experienced pain in the past would stop them, especially in the litigious culture in which we now live. You may have to be prepared for the fact that you might irritate a few phlebotomists along the way, but worth it to feel no pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="16959" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T22:43:57.810" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T22:43:57.810" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13384" CreationDate="2018-04-19T17:11:42.503" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;In an ideal world any practitioner should be open to the views of their patient, but in practice, in busy situations and where there is a degree of standardisation to the procedure it can be more difficult for patients to get the recognition of the benefit of deviating from the standard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your experience is that you make a request and they push back. As far as they are concerned at that point they wield the needle and all negotiations are over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don’t negotiate&lt;/strong&gt;, your position is absolute so you have no halfway house, you need instead to &lt;strong&gt;persuade&lt;/strong&gt; them to agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can find some wider discussion of persuasion techniques in this New Scientist article The Power of persuasion, available &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.mindpowernews.com/PersuasionScience.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;without a paywall here&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aren’t going to negotiate, you need to do what you can to make it easy for staff to fall in with your wishes. The best solution would be to get the systems of the facility to work for you rather than against you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you haven’t already done so, find out if there is a way to get the information &lt;strong&gt;added to your  file/case notes&lt;/strong&gt; so that whoever is seeing you for any given appointment gets the maximum warning that they may need to tool up differently and the smaller gauge needle is your default situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that can’t be done, because reasons, don't necessarily accept that at first pass. 'Reasons' might just mean it's a bit of a hassle. Frame the proposition that failing to get you phlebotomy appointment carried acceptably is &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; going to be hassle for the facility, but all the time reminding them how easy the solution is. But if they won't budge on that then information is your next best ammunition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gathering information doesn’t necessarily mean arrive armed to the teeth with data you have gleaned online, waving information of unverified provenance risks seeming oppositional, which only sets up the possibility of staff pushing back, so stay local. Get you info from your favourite phlebotomist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Gather information&lt;/strong&gt; from your phlebotomist  about the reasons the small needle is better for you, ask them if there are downsides to the smaller needle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EG  What is the gauge or other designation of your preferred needle, do they routinely have them available at their station, does it take longer – perhaps needing a slightly longer appointment slot, are they harder to use, does it compromise the treatment/sample in any way.&#xA;You’ll have a better idea than me of the sort of info that’s appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The aim is to equip yourself with enough information that you can minimise the hassle for the phlebotomists who &lt;em&gt;don’t&lt;/em&gt; know you as well or are less inclined to credit your request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Share information&lt;/strong&gt;: as other answers have recognised, the earlier the better. If the info can’t be added to your file, ask the helpful Phlebotomists if they can mention it t their colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to mention it at every stage of making your appointment, checking in at reception, before you sit down at their station.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice I’m saying ‘mention it’ not ‘ask if they will’. If you frame something as a routine requirement that you have an expectation of them meeting, rather than a ‘special request’ that’s at their discretion you subliminally prime people to fall in step:&#xA;So&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi, I’m Joe Bloggs here for my 9am in Phlebotomy, that’s the one that&#xA;will be set up with an x gauge kit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;rather than&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi, Joe Bloggs for my 9am, could you remind them I asked if they&#xA;wouldn't mind getting a smaller needle for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T17:11:42.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13282" CreationDate="2018-04-19T17:43:38.743" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not responding is all the tact needed here.  Your old boss is no longer relevant and doesn't require anymore of your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a valuable life skill to be had here and that's the ability to separate out that which doesn't matter and move on.  If nothing else, a no response is an answer in and of itself and communicates the appropriate gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3639" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T17:43:38.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13393" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-19T19:29:31.987" Score="5" ViewCount="941" Body="&lt;p&gt;(Or, am I over thinking everything)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a girl (Jen) that I've been acquaintances with for about 3-4 years. I recently asked her if she would be okay with me getting to know her better. In my mind, this puts the scenario at &lt;em&gt;me having an interest in her&lt;/em&gt;, but perhaps &lt;em&gt;not the other way around&lt;/em&gt; (though she is willing to at least consider me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This brings me to the crux of my issue, anything I can think of doing from here out seems very artificial. A casual lunch/dinner is an easy one, and so is a movie (though I'm told these are actually bad ideas). But after that, I just can't wrap my head around how I can make the random date ideas (that the internet seems to think are good) more natural. They make sense if there is a mutual interest, &lt;strong&gt;people are happy to do anything with the person they like&lt;/strong&gt;, but without that interest &quot;Hey, wanna go.... &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.quora.com/What-kinds-of-dates-do-you-wish-your-guy-would-take-you-on&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;people watching/to a cooking class/do some other random activity that is completely out of left field&lt;/a&gt; with me?&quot; seems like a very good way to bore Jen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I figure that until Jen has an active interest in me (refer to bolded statement), the interactions should at least be non-awkward and be interesting enough to let her have an enjoyable time. So my question is, how can I make these intentional one-on-ones seems more natural? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(To be clear, I'm not asking &quot;what should I do&quot;, but &quot;how should I do it&quot;)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16964" LastEditorUserId="16964" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T20:36:36.713" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T10:06:33.003" Title="How to make getting to know someone less artificial?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13393" CreationDate="2018-04-19T19:50:08.377" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What does she like to do?  What do you like to do?  That's the first starting place I'd choose if I were in the dating pool again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that people get weird ideas about dating.  A date doesn't need to be some magical thing - it's really about the two of you spending time together where you get to know each other better.  Seen that way, you can start inviting her to do things you might do anyway: &quot;Hey, I'm going to the nature center for a little bit.  Want to come with?&quot;  &quot;The conservatory has a show of night-blooming avunculars.  Feel up to it?&quot;  &quot;There's a boat show in town.  Feel like grabbing some cheap mini-donuts and looking at pontoons?&quot;  &quot;I'm going to take a bread-making class next week.  Would you like to join?&quot;  It's about an activity you both enjoy - focus on that FIRST, and then worry about whether she likes spending time with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's something you enjoy as well, then it's pretty much risk-free.  So she decides midway through that she's bored and doesn't want to spend any more time with you.  You still had a good time and got to do something you liked.  What's the harm with that?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also challenge your last sentence.  Who cares whether it was accidental or on purpose? If some person who I knew as a friend wanted to spend more time with me, I'd take it as a compliment.  &quot;Sure, I'll go to the Stereo store with you.  I'd like to spend some time with you.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let Jen develop an active interest in doing things with you, and the active interest in you will develop.  She'll see you as a person that she has a good time with, and the rest will flow from there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T19:50:08.377" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13327" CreationDate="2018-04-19T19:58:44.290" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's play Judge Judy: Your soon-to-be-ex-friend purchased the records. You don't have a written contract that you would be paid to store them. Actually, there is no verbal contract that you would be paid to store them. That's because you offered to store them for free. Which was nice of you, but doesn't give you any rights to the collection. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have a written contract that the records are yours. The verbal concession that you got about ownership is close to blackmail in my book. But anyway, you have nothing in writing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have no choice other than returning them. If you refuse, you could very easily be accused of theft. But most likely this would end up in court. I see no way how you could convince a court that the collection is yours. I see no indication whatsoever that your friend ever intended to gift the collection to you. To me, it looks like you were trying to exploit your friends position and get hold of his record collection. That isn't going to end without a big fight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T20:05:33.287" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T20:05:33.287" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13379" CreationDate="2018-04-19T20:47:57.043" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you did get married, what would your reasons be?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume &quot;getting my spouse citizenship&quot; would be a benefit rather than a primary reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;List the reasons that you would have to get married. Then, tell her if she brings the topic up again, you'll be walking away. If she sidesteps, continue to talk about it no matter what. Marriage is a big deal, fraud aside. Let her know that you won't tolerate her joking/not really joking pressure. As much as you sympathize with her problem (and please let her know that you do) you are not the answer to it. Period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this conversation if she talks about other things, engage. If she talks about this walk away, after you warn her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My strategy in these situations is an attitude of cheerful firmness. If you get mad or annoyed, other people do as well. I set the rules of engagement, stick to them, while remaining as cheerful as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't actually make other people be or feel a certain way. A heartfelt talk where you really talk to her about her situation and that you are not going to be the solution to it, where you empathize, NOT avoid, and talk it out, ending with you stating that her joking about and bringing it up when her need is so raw and real and you CAN NOT be the solution, makes you uncomfortable. And now, here are the rules if she does bring it up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either, a) you will not answer her or respond in anyway or b) you'll be walking away from the conversation for a minute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, do that. If she gets mad or asks about it, you cheerfully say, &quot;we've talked it out, I'm doing what I said I would. You're choosing to bring it up, I'm just keeping up my end.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And have a new topic of conversation ready IMMEDIATELY. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rinse and repeat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds as though she's spotted you out as a person who caves to social pressure. And she's doing what she thinks might get her the desired result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to whether you will still be friends, that's up to her. It's not up to you. All you can do socially is set the terms of engagement (oooh no pun intended) and stick with them. People will get angry when they don't get what they want, but you cannot control that, unless, of course, you always give people what they want for fear of them getting angry or rejecting you. This may be the way you generally deal with the world, but make it clear that it will not be the case in this instance. Please don't get married just to be polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastEditorUserId="16967" LastEditDate="2018-04-19T20:57:03.267" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T20:57:03.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13393" CreationDate="2018-04-19T21:11:12.480" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't have enough information to be able to suggest something of mutual interest. So you have to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her if she would like to catch a bite after one of the meetings. Use the casual date to gain the info you need!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, ask her questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things like what she does for fun, movies she has enjoyed, what her family and life growing up was like, and in between talk about things you like and want to do. In the conversation if you know there are events coming up, that you are interested in, ask if she would like to come with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because this isn't just about you getting to know her. It's also about her getting to know you. And if the things you are interested in don't interest her in the least, you should probably figure that out quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the fun parts about dating someone is that your world is opened up to experiences you might not normally have. Some people are down with that. Some people only want to do stuff they already know that they like. A mix of both is best for all involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go alone with her to an event there is a certain amount of social pressure surrounding something like this, so if you have a group activity or party or whatever to sprinkle in amongst the specific &quot;date&quot; scenarios, she will be more comfortable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T21:11:12.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13393" CreationDate="2018-04-19T21:30:53.363" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have found that if a girl is interested in a guy, any activity is acceptable for a date. The girl is interested in the guy, not the date, unless it's something spectacular, like a trip or a concert. Then she might agree even if she doesn't like the guy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most girls like a take charge kind of guy; a guy who just knows the right thing to do; a decisive, confident male who knows what he wants and how to get it. If she says, &quot;No, I don't want to do that&quot;, that means she's not interested in pursuing things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a girl wants to be just friends with a guy, it means she likes him, but she wouldn't mate with him. If she was willing to mate with him, she'd want to be more than just friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I think you should invite her somewhere where you can build her a fire (the beach is always good), and share a bottle of wine together. What could be more natural. Just take it one step at a time, and enjoy yourself with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T06:50:20.753" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T06:50:20.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13402" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-19T21:27:00.707" Score="31" ViewCount="13158" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was looking for a shared room on Craigslist and I found one I'm interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the post, the writer didn't specify if he/she is male or female.&#xA;I'm female, and personally I would only feel comfortable sharing a room with someone who is also female.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the only form of available communication they gave was an email address, how can I politely ask the writer's gender?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="Marisol Y." LastEditorUserId="524" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T00:04:12.667" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T18:21:28.727" Title="How can I politely find out the gender of a potential roommate via email?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13402" CreationDate="2018-04-19T22:15:26.720" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think formal language comes in to help here.  You simply state what you want and ask if that's available.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm looking to sublet with another female.  Is your property available for this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm hoping for a shared room with another single girl.  Is that what is being offered?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Formal language is this stance: &quot;I don't know you, so it's OK for me not to sound like we know each other when I communicate with you in writing.&quot; It would probably be impolite to ask a friend this kind of question, but that's because it would imply that you don't know your friend well enough. This is Craigslist: forget that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T18:21:28.727" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T18:21:28.727" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5488" CreationDate="2018-04-19T22:39:35.747" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just literally show your future employer the 2nd to last paragraph that you wrote as it says all they need to know in a great way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to dictate how I have to be handled. I want to explain/ask that I need a very structured working environment to be most efficient, that they have to consider my Aspergers when planning to let me work for them as it might affect my performance tremendously. Once there is a working routine set up I can/could rely on, I will be very efficient. Furthermore, especially such an achievement would be very attractive for me to stay with a company on the long term. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also highlight the positive differentiators that would still make them consider you if someone equally suitable but without Aspergers is also being considered, for example, you could mention that as a result of your disability you are extremely detail oriented, so you naturally produce higher quality work and produce less mistakes than others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16968" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T07:03:35.627" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T07:03:35.627" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13407" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13368" CreationDate="2018-04-19T22:56:01.523" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It all adds up, but you can't control what people do. There has to be a will to change in order to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you can come at it sideways. Talk to grandpa instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, you're all up in their business. You're worried, and you want to make your grandma change her behavior. You can see the cost of it, and she can't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would you feel if someone started questioning your spending habits? Maybe you'd be ok with it, but the majority of people, whoever it comes from, would not respond at all well. Even if it's helpful, even if, in the end it does make their life better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's their life. Not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're asking how to have a conversation that is, in fact, rude, even if you do have the best of intentions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no way to do that AND get the result you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you might want to have a conversation about your OWN spending habits instead. Talk about the &quot;latte factor&quot; and about how when you did a spread sheet of your own spending habits, you found out how much YOU actually spend in a year or a month on trifles. And talk about whatever positive result you got from tracking that spending, being aware of it, and curtailing. Be enthusiastic about whatever programs, software or method you used. And be specific about the positive result--taking a vacation or whatever as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if they do need the help, you can be there for them. But if it's not something you directly experienced and put in the work to do in your own life, and you're just being critical of them, it's not going to be helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, though, get your own house completely in order, and use that to help them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T22:56:01.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13393" CreationDate="2018-04-19T23:45:59.970" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest thing is: &lt;strong&gt;be genuinely interested in Jen, her personality, her ideas, life, etc.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come up with something simple - like a night market. Go explore foods there, chat, listen and ask questions - enjoy the time yourself and give her space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So many people try to learn how to be interesting to people, learn some communication tricks, gestures, techniques, yet most forget the basic rule - you really have to be interested in that person as a human being. Care about their emotions and followup on the topics they spoke about in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you are genuinely yourself with real interest, Jen will feel it, and might become interested herself. Or she might not, but that's her right. If you try to over impress and show who you are but you are not( :) ), it most likely will be visible on subconscious level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14454" LastActivityDate="2018-04-19T23:45:59.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13384" CreationDate="2018-04-20T00:35:28.810" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that causes phlebotomists to comply is if you tell them that you might pass out with the larger needle, but with the smaller needle you never pass out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Patients who pass out when they get blood drawn--and it happens more than you might think (see vasovagal syncope response)--are the phlebotomists greatest fear. So, they'll gladly do anything to avoid a patient passing out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Word will quickly spread that you require the smaller needle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-24T02:16:12.120" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T02:16:12.120" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13412" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-20T01:32:14.427" Score="3" ViewCount="350" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a university student, in my current group there are only 5 students (2 women and 3 men).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my teachers has been ignoring me since the course started (approximately 2 weeks ago), that is, he never looks at me when he gives his class, he looks at all my classmates during the whole class except me. He also always asks them if something is not clear, except to me. This is something really very annoying because his favoritism towards the others is too noticeable since we are only 5 students in a classroom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always try to pay attention to his class, but it is really hard not to feel bad for his attitude towards me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I had the option of not going to his class, I would not go but unfortunately if I do not go to classes I can lose the right to present my exams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I improve my relationship with this professor, so that he treats me the same way as he does his other students?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I don't know why I am un-favored (I am just an average student, nothing special). If I knew why, then I'd fix it myself (let's suppose it's because of the color of my hair, then I'll probably dye my hair).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16982" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T14:38:02.250" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T14:38:02.250" Title="How can I improve my teacher-student relationship with a professor that ignores me?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="17" ClosedDate="2018-04-20T07:14:56.103" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13384" CreationDate="2018-04-20T05:25:59.113" Score="5" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask your preferred phlebotomist to make a note on your file. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you get someone else, mention the file and briefly summarize the reason.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just a heads up, previously there have been issues when using the common needles. To avoid these issues, X and I agreed to use needles size Y for the last Z [months/years]. It's on my file.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not need to tell them what to do - you inform them of the circumstances, and you use the name of the other phlebotomist and mention the file to raise your credibility. You also use the correct term for the needle both for accuracy and to gain credibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they then chose to ignore you, you can either try telling them what to do, or ask for a different phlebotomist - I'd recommend the latter choice if at all possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T07:58:42.140" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T07:58:42.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13348" CreationDate="2018-04-20T05:47:19.527" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The suggestion to text is good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another - or additional - approach is to introduce quite hours - many phones allow you to set quiet hours/do not disturb where the phone either does not ring, or only rings for selected callers (user's choice).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes stress with phone calls can be greater if you did not expect the call and couldn't mentally prepare. That kind of stress is reduced if you call them back after &quot;missing&quot; their call because of quiet hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also tell people preferred hours during which to be called - which allows you to expect calls during that time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Combine that with a voice mail message that tells them to send you a text if there's anything urgent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T05:47:19.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13327" CreationDate="2018-04-20T06:13:30.440" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Other answers focus on telling you that your friend has some ethical/moral rights to the collection. But that's not what you asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit down with your friend, preferably in a neutral place like a coffee shop. Go through the timeline with him - don't accuse and don't embellish. Don't mention the shelves you bought. The goal is to go through the entire timeline in one shot without any statement that starts an argument. Use a completely neutral tone, even more so than you did in your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;End with stating that you were under the impression that these were your records since [date]. Tell him you are willing to discuss this, but you need to know what changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the discussion that follows, you can bring up more details. If he tries to tell his own version of the timeline, focus on not interrupting him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make clear that you won't make the decision during the discussion, and that you will have to sleep on it - that is to prevent emotions making the decision for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T06:13:30.440" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13368" CreationDate="2018-04-20T06:22:44.523" Score="-1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Ask them if they have set aside money for their trip&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Spending is not inherently bad. It is only bad if it gets in the way of things they really want to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence: &lt;strong&gt;ensure that their spending cannot get in the way of the caravan trip&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask your folks...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you set aside enough money for this year's caravan trip?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offer to help them to set up a separate account just for this purpose. Help them them set a goal for how much money should be in there to cover the upcoming trip. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once they have reached that goal, they can freely spend the rest of their money on things without worrying you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And always be upfront and clear about &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; you are &quot;pestering&quot; them about this. For example: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am worried that you might not have enough when the time for the trip comes, so I am just helping you making sure that you will have the money that you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also: second hand peer-to-peer shopping is thriving these days. You may want to introduce your folks to the concept of earning extra money by selling stuff they do not need. To mitigate risk of unscrupulous buyers that withhold payment, you can offer to do it for your folks and manage that bit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4227" LastEditorUserId="4227" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T09:10:04.440" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T09:10:04.440" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13371" CreationDate="2018-04-20T07:02:00.347" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but would like a way to firmly cut ties with him the next time he reaches out without being insulting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're asking the impossible. There's no reason for this person &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to be insulted. You're making a personal judgment about their behaviour and intentionally severing all contact with them as a result. There's no way to dress that up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your options are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just ignore his approaches. This leaves your options open in case some time in the future you change your mind.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Spell out to him why you don't want further contact with him, accepting that this is likely to be upsetting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4483" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T07:02:00.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13422" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13268" CreationDate="2018-04-20T07:30:38.533" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My experience has been that some people don't see the need for routine medical treatment. In my life I have found that most illness requires no medical treatment. There is nothing a doctor can do to cure cold and flu virus! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I heard on the news that 42% of insured Americans failed to get lab tests, didn't get a prescription filled, and/or didn't go to the doctor, because of the copay cost. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My doctor shared with me that it's typically not until an individual requires pharmaceuticals on a continuous basis that (s)he begins regular doctor visits. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your partner is spreading infections that require a doctor's care, that is cause for alarm! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I began getting routine check-ups because I was approached out of concern for my well-being; out of love!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could approach it like this. &quot;I don't want to lose you! I'm concerned that a concealed health condition could become serious before it is diagnosed! But if you received yearly check-ups, anything that might be hiding could be caught in time, while there 'is' still time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't know what I'd do without you! Please take reasonable steps to care for your long-term health. Regular medical check-ups are the least we can do for each other.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that no one can control another person. You just have to put it out there and let the other person do with it what (s)he will. I hope your partner will agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-24T02:47:10.140" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T02:47:10.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13402" CreationDate="2018-04-20T08:18:50.413" Score="34" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a question about the ad you posted on Craigslist. I was interested in the house's location, but &lt;strong&gt;I was wondering if the current resident is male or female, and whether he/she is looking for a male or a female roommate (if there is any preference)?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for your time,&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Jane Doe&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The nice thing here is that it leaves open several possibilities, which makes it less awkward:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The person who wrote the ad is not the same as the roommate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The person email recipient is not the same as the one who wrote the ad (or the roommate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The person email sender (you) is not the same as the one looking to occupy the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular #3 is important because it is equally possible that you may be looking for someone &lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt;, which I think would subconsciously make people more understanding and willing to respond—perhaps because it keeps the issue a bit &lt;em&gt;distanced&lt;/em&gt; from both parties, and hence less likely to cause offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Obviously, make sure all of these make sense. If the ad already specifies some of these, try to remove that ambiguity from your email so you don't look clueless. But keep the others in.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T08:18:50.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13363" CreationDate="2018-04-20T08:47:29.560" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Russian-Israeli here. Refusing an offer of food is complicated. Elderly Russians feel absolutely compelled to feed a guest. If you refuse, they'll offer again five minutes later, hoping that maybe you're hungry now. Hospitality is really important in Russian culture, and food is how you offer hospitality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're visiting a person once, and not likely to visit them again ever, any of the excuses Deutche Knabe suggests are great. If, however, you'll be bringing the same person balloons again next year, they'll notice that you're not eating anything this time either. In such a case, it might be better to be honest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I keep Kosher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are problems with this approach. A Russian elderly person would probably not get offended by their food &quot;not being Kosher enough&quot; - having been raised under communism (&quot;Religion is the opium of the people&quot;), they are more likely to regard Kashrut as this mystifying set of rules they can't attempt to understand. The problem would be rather them feeling &quot;bad host, offering a guest something they can't eat / having no food to offer to the guest that the guest can eat&quot;. Which is why I would avoid it if you're only visiting once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this discomfort is outweighed by the discomfort they'd likely to feel if you're visiting every so often, and never eat. The alternative explanations they're likely to imagine are more offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T08:47:29.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13393" CreationDate="2018-04-20T09:42:13.173" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There is a girl (Jen) that I've been acquaintances with for about 3-4&#xA;  years. I recently asked her if she would be okay with me getting to&#xA;  know her better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you have been an acquaintance with this girl, your friendship groups etc. should tell you what areas you have in common and whether you really get on or click.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have a confidence problem and are not sure what you are looking for in someone else.  I would suggest you start developing friendships with people and discover what you like and enjoy in others.  Going to groups where there are common goals helps and learning to develop situations which are encouraging and enjoyable.  Once you have these skills, developing more intimate relationships with people will become much easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T09:42:13.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13393" CreationDate="2018-04-20T09:51:04.547" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't want to read too much into &lt;strong&gt;what you already said to her&lt;/strong&gt;, namely...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;would [you] be okay with me getting to know [you] better?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... but that does kind of imply that &lt;em&gt;you don't know her particularly well right now&lt;/em&gt;. Even after 3-4 years of being &quot;acquainted&quot; you don't know what sort of things she is interested in or what sort of dates she might like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know who told you that dinner dates or the like are a &quot;bad idea&quot;. Perhaps &lt;em&gt;overly formal&lt;/em&gt; dinners, yes. If she isn't quite in the place that you are yet then she might find the idea of dressing up or spending a lot of money on food a bit intimidating. But what you need in order to &quot;get to know &lt;em&gt;each other&lt;/em&gt; better&quot; is time to talk, and a casual dinner date or similar might be just that. You can't talk during a movie, and until you do get to know her then you don't really know what sort of movies she likes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't over-think the setting, just anything casual where you can talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Things you could talk about on the date:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your backgrounds&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Interests&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Future goals&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no exhaustive list but where you came from, where you are now, and where you are going are pretty much what we need to know about people we might want a relationship with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some &quot;don'ts&quot;:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't just methodically work through that list of topics above. Natural conversations go off at tangents that they may never return from. Let her talk about whatever she wants to talk about, just use questions as a starting point. If things go well there will be another date, and another time to learn more about each other.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't try to force the idea of you being in a relationship into the conversation. For example if you talk about future goals, don't start asking about marriage, kids, or if she can see a future with you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If talking about the past, don't get into talking about previous relationships if possible. This isn't good first-date material. There will be a time for this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, don't overthink it. &quot;Getting to know&quot; one another may lead anywhere. It may not lead to a romantic relationship. So just let conversation flow and don't try to &lt;em&gt;steer&lt;/em&gt; it in any particular direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T09:51:04.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13379" CreationDate="2018-04-20T09:58:12.540" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The problem began when Suzy broke up with her boyfriend. After&#xA;  breaking up, Suzy began suggesting that we should get married so that&#xA;  she could retain her ability to stay and work in the united states. I&#xA;  am uncomfortable with this for a number of reasons, not the least of&#xA;  which is fraud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suzy knows exactly what she is asking you to do, and you know you want&#xA;this relationship to continue even if she is putting pressure on you.&#xA;She hopes to wear you down.  To put it bluntly what other choice does&#xA;she have in her own eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you are being very naive to think she is not 100% aware of where you&#xA;are and how much it means to you.  The real question is are you prepared&#xA;to help her come to terms to the situation she is in, and will she go&#xA;through the steps to apply for immigration status where she can stay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will use friends and family in these situations, but how much&#xA;are you prepared to be involved, and if this is in the open will it&#xA;break your friendship with her?  That is the real make or break question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to put this into effect, you should have a conversation with Suzy about how she can change her immigration status, and what are the choices.  This is always a hard thing to do, but you need to make it clear what your position is, and that you know she knows this, and you are prepared to help her as far as you can. Of course she may well reject your offer, and get angry etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end it is not your problem, and you can only help as a friend.  It is always important to know this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another strategy is to get someone who has gone through the process successfully involved, to help them through their struggles, because often there are issues that are not being shared which will effect everything else, but they maybe reluctant to share about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T11:01:11.540" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T11:01:11.540" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13393" CreationDate="2018-04-20T10:06:33.003" Score="4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Focus on yourself&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of these answers suggest various ways to find our more information from her, to try to guess what she will like and build a date around that. These aren't &lt;em&gt;bad&lt;/em&gt; suggestions, but I don't feel they will get around your feeling of it being &quot;artificial&quot; - doing something you wouldn't normally do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;What I recommend you do&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend you pick something that you've always wanted to do, or have done in the past and found fun - regardless of whether she would like it, or whether she would even be the person you're taking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That means if you enjoy museums, go to a museum you like. If you like coffee - go to your favourite coffee shop. Whatever interests you have, go with those - that is who you are, and you know you're going to have fun and be comfortable doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing things you like, that show things about you, means there is no artificial element to it. You can truly be yourself, and if she likes that (and you like her) then that's great - if not, it would have been worse to delay that by pretending to be somebody different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;What is the IPS skill here?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important part of this is to accept that not everybody will like who you are, but trying to fit into their standards will not make you or them happy. This applies to any situation where you have values or interests, and want to see if somebody else has similar views - you should not change who you are to try and appease them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this specific situation, doing the above will help you achieve your underlying goal more easily as well though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you want to get to know each other better, you should focus on showing her who you actually are. You will naturally find out who she is, and what her interests are while doing this, and if things are to work out - she will also want to take you places that interest her. Eventually you will find common ground that you both enjoy (and if you don't, you can just accept that she isn't as interesting as you thought).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't get into a &quot;prove yourself&quot; mentality. You are an individual, with interests and opinions, all of which are valid. You don't need to try to appease somebody else, or try to make them interested. Be yourself doing things you enjoy, and let things naturally progress from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10883" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T10:06:33.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13433" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13348" CreationDate="2018-04-20T10:29:27.053" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd use a multi-pronged approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Set your ring tone to mute (except for family) and setup your voice mail answering message to something like &quot;Unfortunately, I am quite hearing impaired and can't read your lips over the phone, so I would very much prefer to chat using (other method).&quot; Then you no longer have to explain it, you can have a robot do it for you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Text messages are extremely inconvenient. No-one in their right mind wants to type more than a sentence on a tiny useless keyboard. Therefore, you should select a chat application that works both on phones and computers (with keyboards!). There are even desktop or web-based SMS apps which route the phone's SMS functionality to a desktop PC. So, pick a messaging app that is easy to use (for you and others). The best choice would be something that is already installed on everyone's phone, like  Facebook Messenger (if you don't mind Facebook's reckless attitude towards privacy), or maybe skype.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are other things that you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say, your friends miss you and would like to have news a few times a week. If you don't contact them, then they will contact you at a time that is inconvenient to you, and you want to avoid this. So, why not initiate the conversation at the moment of your choosing? Chat or phone call, or you could also use a video call app (like skype) to read lips and get body language cues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are also apps that can translate a phone call into text in real time (google android deaf). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T10:29:27.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13363" CreationDate="2018-04-20T10:42:08.300" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Older Russians are often overbearing in their hospitality and would annoy you with multiple offerings to partake a dish. Reminds me of a funny phrase from &lt;a href=&quot;http://intersci.ss.uci.edu/wiki/eBooks/Russia/BOOKS/Oblomov%20Goncharov.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Oblomov&quot;&lt;/a&gt; (1858) by Ivan Goncharov:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Local manners required that, what though twice or thrice invited to&#xA;  partake of a given dish or a given bottle of wine, the guest should&#xA;  not do so, since he was supposed to be aware that even the first&#xA;  invitation had conveyed a secret prayer that he would kindly abstain&#xA;  from the dish or bottle of wine after merely tasting of the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just firmly reject with a friendly smile and expression of gratitude. Explain the reason: you're keeping Kosher, explain that it might be a bit different from their Kosher tradition. Don't make them guess about your reasons - they might for instance think that you loath them or don't want to eat off of them, which might feel offensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16996" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T10:42:08.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13435" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-20T11:09:45.073" Score="14" ViewCount="3207" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 8 months pregnant. I'm also an introvert who &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; doesn't cope well with change and stress. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My mom is very outgoing and I need to talk to her about expectations when she visits me at the hospital. There will be times when I won't want visitors, even though I am fine/not sick and the visiting hours are open. I want to convey to her that this isn't because of her, I just need space to cope with change.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried being subtle, but she doesn't really understand the extent that I am drained by social contact, even hers. I've realised I need to have a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goals for the conversation:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She won't necessarily be able to visit me even if the visiting hours are open. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This isn't due to her, I need space and privacy to cope with this change. (and to keep my sanity).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I appreciate her and am happy to have my parents visit during this time, just not as often as she may like. It may only be an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This may turn out to be an expensive, boring exercise for my parents (since they live far away and will be driving far and paying for accommodation).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This conversation is one I have been hesitant to have because I don't want to give my mom the wrong impression and push her away. I want to choose carefully my words so she understands. How do I go about having this conversation with her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other notes:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to see her often because social contact stresses me out and I'll be stressed enough as it is.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have dropped hints in the past about how it'll be expensive and how I have been stressed during this pregnancy but it hasn't really helped.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My husband/the hospital will ensure that I don't have visitors if I don't want them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My mom knows I'm an introvert, but I don't think she realises to what extent. When they visit for the weekend I'm happy to talk, but she doesn't see the week of recovery from that after they go home again.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'll be in hospital for 3 nights/4 days. The standard minimum for my country.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T11:47:14.733" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T16:55:54.527" Title="Establishing expectations with my parents about visiting after I give birth" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13435" CreationDate="2018-04-20T11:29:47.947" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Actually, I think you have answered your own question. I don't think there is a much better way of putting it than you have written here :-).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking the first part of your question, with minor stylistic edits (such as converting &quot;her&quot; to &quot;you&quot;):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Mom:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;With respect to visits while I'm in hospital, there's something I'd like to&#xA;  tell you.&#xA;  There will be times when I won't want visitors, even though I am fine/not&#xA;  sick and the visiting hours are open. &#xA;  This is not because of you, I just need space to cope with change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate your wanting to visit me, and am happy to have you there during &#xA;  this time, just not as often as you may like. It may only be an hour in the &#xA;  morning and an hour in the afternoon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I realize this may turn out to be difficult for you since you live far away.&#xA;  Please talk to my husband before visiting me, he'll be able to tell you how I&#xA;  feel and whether I can accept a visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this is not a script you follow slavishly - however, I hope it gives you an idea how to formulate your thoughts, and more importantly reminds you that &lt;em&gt;you are quite capable of formulating them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to delivery:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will have to weigh how you tell your mother. I personally find it best to discuss such highly personal things in person, but you (or your mother) may feel differently. Some people may prefer to do it in writing, or on the phone. Do what you feel is best given your shared history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, about your worries:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This conversation is one I have been hesitant to have because I don't&#xA;  want to give my mom the wrong impression and push her away. I want to&#xA;  choose carefully my words so she understands. How do I go about having&#xA;  this conversation with her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, your mother may feel insulted or disappointed when learning about this. However, that is out of your hands. &lt;em&gt;You cannot control how others perceive your actions.&lt;/em&gt; However, I think you have done a good job explaining your boundaries and the reasons. You are setting &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;personal boundaries&lt;/a&gt; that you feel you need, and that is something your mother will have to (learn to) accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you (or someone else) can help her with learning to accept these boundaries, but that will have to come later. The first step is to indicate these boundaries respectfully but firmly. Everything else will then follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a related question on parenting.SE which may be helpful for you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://parenting.stackexchange.com/questions/7008/what-is-a-reasonable-amount-of-time-to-wait-before-family-visits-your-new-baby/7011&quot;&gt;What is a reasonable amount of time to wait before family visits your new baby?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1775" LastEditorUserId="1775" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T11:36:56.763" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T11:36:56.763" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13371" CreationDate="2018-04-20T12:40:07.457" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in a similar situation, and wrestled with myself a bit before posting this answer. If you take away anything else from this answer, know that you're not alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good friend of almost 20 years gets arrested 2 years ago for... something pretty unforgiveable. While awaiting sentencing on that arrest, gets arrested late last year again for similar (new) offenses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty torn over this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one hand, if all of his friends abandon this guy then what hope does he have to turn his life around? On the other, his offense was, well, as I said pretty unforgiveable. Nor is there any doubt about his guilt in the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the question you have to ask yourself is, do I feel any need to help salvage this person, or just abandon him to his fate? Because if you don't help who will? That's not necessarily an exhortation to do so: you may decide that either he's not worth helping or that it's not your place to do so or that it's not worth the risk. But that's what's at stake here, and I urge you to consider it before writing this individual off. Both for your sake and his: you don't want to hear 5 years from now that he killed himself and wonder if you could have made the difference. Even if you decide to still write this person off, at least you know gave the matter due consideration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are at that point, you need to gently but firmly tell this person that you hope he finds help, but that you are unwilling to move past this event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4233" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T12:40:07.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13139" CreationDate="2018-04-20T12:53:05.670" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Nobody likes to be accused of something that is widely perceived (and, in the case of racism, rightly so) as bad / immoral, which means that doing so will rarely achieve anything (positive).&#xA;Furthermore, not every off-the-cuff remark has a racist or offensive intention, even if it can be (maybe even justifiably) construed as such, so outright saying &quot;What you just said is racist!&quot; will be problematic in most cases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I like to do instead is giving the person making the statement I take issue with a chance to clarify by innocently asking something along the lines of &quot;What do you mean by that?&quot; / &quot;Why do you think that?&quot; / &quot;Are you serious with that statement (or just joking)?&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on their answer you can pose some follow-up questions, maybe point out casually that their statement is inaccurate (because of reasons x, y z).&#xA;If it turns out that there really are racial prejudices at the root of what they just said, you can try something like &quot;Based on what you just told me, you seem to have some rather strong prejudices against . May I ask where those come from?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist that those prejudices are not prejudices but facts, I personally would stop worrying too much about offending them as they wouldn't be the kind of person (colleague, in this context) I would want to spend more time with than absolutely necessary, but if I wanted to keep up some kind of diplomacy, I might  ask &quot;Isn't that by racism by definition?&quot; and give them a last chance to opt out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this particular case (the usage of certain terms to label a group of people) I would go for a variant of the above and ask &quot;Why do you call them that?&quot; / &quot;I don't like labelling an entire group of people with derogative terms. Don't you think a more neutral term would be more appropriate?&quot; &#xA;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't get it, you can also go for &quot;I realize you might not mean what you said in a racist way, but to me at least it comes across as such.&quot;&#xA;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What these approaches have in common is that you are not just passing a judgment without any chance for appeal. Instead, by giving them a chance to explain themselves, you force them to take a clear (and consciously chosen) position.&#xA;They also allow you to make it clear that you personally disapprove of any such behaviour, no matter the source.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17002" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T12:53:05.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13435" CreationDate="2018-04-20T13:16:31.020" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even though I'm a guy and a fairly extrovert one, I really relate to your question as the birth of my daughter was not an easy one and I had to manage the visiting expectations of a lot of family members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thing is that you and your husband need to work together as a unit to achieve what you want. Obvious perhaps, but there may be times during your 3 days in hospital that you are separated. For example you may want to sleep during the day (giving birth and feeding is exhausting!), and he may be able to take the baby out of your room while you do that. He may also have to go off and take care of some business (perhaps dealing with hospital documents, baby registration, running errands for you - whatever is expected in your country). If he has to deflect a visit from your parents (or anyone) while he is on his own it will be easier on him and less likely to be argued with if you have discussed it beforehand so what he says is viewed as your collective wishes, and not just him trying to block people from seeing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should be honest with your mum. Even if she sometimes thinks she knows better than you what is best for you, likely she &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; know that you are prone to stress and you already state she knows you are not so outgoing. Perhaps this approach would work with her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, you know that I am a little prone to stress. Having the baby is&#xA;  something I'm looking forward to, but I also want to take care of my&#xA;  own wellbeing so that I can get through it. I've put a lot of thought&#xA;  into how I want the first days to be, and I feel that I would cope&#xA;  best if I limit vistors. Above anyone else, I want you to be there,&#xA;  but please can we limit your visits to the hospital so that I can get&#xA;  plenty of rest and stay relaxed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point she may still have her own ideas about how much time to spend with you, but I don't think she can argue or be offended by this request. So let her agree to it, and then move on to state more specifically what you expect:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like everyone to check with [husband] to see if I'm okay for&#xA;  visitors. And when you come I'd appreciate it if you could limit&#xA;  visits to [your time limit].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise you not to worry about the costs involved in your parents staying nearby. This is the birth of their daughter's baby and likely nothing would stop them coming. The cost of them staying in a hotel is the same whether they visit you all day every day, or not at all, so there is really no point agonising over this. You have enough to think about!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you a very happy and trouble free birth experience! But keep in mind that birth very rarely goes how you expect it to, especially not the first. The more specific plans you make for these 3 days, the more you may have to adjust. Don't get stressed if things don't go as you imagine. Also if you don't feel up to visits but feel guilty that your parents aren't seeing you, a possible suggestion is to have them meet your husband and baby perhaps in a hospital day room, and just say that you need some additional rest. This gives them some time with their new grandchild whilst giving you some time alone as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T13:16:31.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13441" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13473" CreationDate="2018-04-20T13:17:26.373" Score="23" ViewCount="68390" Body="&lt;p&gt;Oftentimes when leaving work, or the last time I see someone before I go on a trip, someone will say &quot;drive safe!&quot; or something similar.  On one hand, this feels more or less like well-wishing to me (e.g. &quot;I hope you have a safe drive.&quot;) so my instinct is to respond with &quot;Thanks!&quot;.  However, grammatically, it feels more like a request or command (e.g. &quot;When you drive, please do so safely.&quot;).  If I interpret it that way I'm more inclined to say something like &quot;Will do!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've replied both ways in both situations and sometimes feel like my response wasn't what the person was expecting.  But since it's often said at the end of the conversation there isn't much of a chance to address it without probably being even more awkward.  I'm probably just reading to much into subtleties, but some people have said it pretty seriously (particularly people roughly my parents age) which may be a part of why I'm over-thinking it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, which of these responses feels more natural? Is it possible some people (e.g. parents) mean it as a request to be responsible, while others mean it more as a pleasantry?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12804" LastEditorUserId="12804" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T14:30:01.143" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T16:08:29.983" Title="How to reply to &quot;Drive/Travel Safe&quot;?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2019-03-04T21:25:29.583" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13441" CreationDate="2018-04-20T13:25:42.283" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, &quot;Drive safe&quot;, is normally meant as a pleasantry, and either &quot;Thank you&quot; or &quot;Will do&quot; will suffice. I commonly say to my partner &quot;Drive safe&quot; or &quot;Safe journey&quot; when we part ways. I say it to show I care about his well being, he responds with &quot;Thank you&quot; or &quot;Will do&quot; to show he's acknowledge my concern. To me, there is no secret/hidden meaning behind &quot;Drive safe&quot;, it's a common phrase said to a certain action - similar to how &quot;Bless you&quot; is often said when someone sneezes and is replied with &quot;Thank you&quot;, there's no extra meaning behind the statement, and nothing more is expected to be said, as with the situation you've proposed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I travel and I'm told &quot;Safe journey&quot; (I don't drive myself, but the statements similar), I normally respond with a &quot;Thank you&quot;, as like when I say something similar, I know they're expressing care over my well-being and I'm showing I've acknowledge their concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, a simple &quot;Thank you&quot; or &quot;Will do&quot; works perfectly fine in any situation I've encountered, from parents, to my partner, or colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16638" LastEditorUserId="16638" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T16:03:13.503" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T16:03:13.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13444" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13363" CreationDate="2018-04-20T13:46:40.263" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;What will sometimes work is to ask for something else. The best thing is something which you know you can have, and which is quite certain to be available. The easiest thing is a glass of water. Or a cup of tea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you, but I really cannot eat that much right now. Could I just have a glass of water/cup of tea, please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason why this can work is the symbolic part of hospitality being discussed here. Feeding a guest is a hospitality ritual, and refusing to participate in the ritual has social consequences. When you don't play your part, some hosts will assume the worst and feel insulted, but most will just prompt you again like a good suffleuse, giving you yet another opportunity to &quot;get back on track&quot; and fulfill the ritual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking for something else, you are leading the ritual to a less traditional version, but you are not breaking it outright. The exchange of victuals still takes place, and there is less of a chance that the host will feel that there is something &quot;wrong&quot; with the visit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a surefire thing, it depends on how much the host is invested in, for lack of better word, the purity of the tradition. For some it will feel like they have fulfilled the script, for others there will still be the impulse to do it with food because the water is not &quot;sufficient&quot; to replace the ritual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also what makes it rather difficult to decide what to ask for. On the one hand, if it is too &quot;simple&quot; like water, it may not be elaborate enough for the purpose (they will bring you the water and still insist that you eat). On the other hand, if you ask for something which is closer to what they imagine should be offered to a guest (maybe &quot;do you have an apple, or some other raw fruit?&quot;) and they don't have it, they will feel guilty for not being able to fulfill your wish. You may have to try different approaches with different hosts and see which is better on average, and maybe learn which one works with whom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a long-term strategy, if you frequently visit the same hosts, you might find a way to tell them that you absolutely love X, where X is some kind of food that is safe for you (a brand of chocolates, or raw apples, or something else), and that you would love it if they could have some at your next visit. Unless you happen to choose something which they disapprove of in principle (like a luxury brand of chocolates when the host is a frugal person), this kind of demand is not impolite, but rather it makes them happy to know that they are not just feeding you, they are also feeding you a thing you love! Especially if those people are your elderly female relatives, it is probably the best way they know to express their affection for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3017" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T13:46:40.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13441" CreationDate="2018-04-20T13:47:06.033" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person who habitually &lt;em&gt;says&lt;/em&gt; 'drive safe', I'm slightly horrified that I could be causing anybody angst by doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me it is purely a conversation closer, the equivalent of 'farewell' (that sounds a little less 'dramatic' to modern ears). It is both a well-wishing and a conversational punctuation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me it doesn't require a response at all, though it doesn't rule one out either. So say whatever is comfortable for you. A lot of the words we use in English to greet ort take leave of others are really just a recognition of the greeting and leaving and mostly people don't expect them to be responded to in the same way as other parts of conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T13:47:06.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13441" CreationDate="2018-04-20T14:41:02.220" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to reply to “Drive/Travel Safe”?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family say it in a different way.  Do not speed.  Drive carefully.&#xA;They are concerned I will go too fast, and are showing concern that&#xA;I will take care, and would be seriously upset if it went wrong.&#xA;I do drive safely all the time, and go at the speed limit, but it is&#xA;their way of expressing love and care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I respond, &quot;I will&quot;  This works because it emphasises&#xA;I understand their concern, and I take due care in driving and appreciate&#xA;their concern.  Saying &quot;thanks&quot; does not fit, but &quot;I will&quot; does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also offer to text to say I have arrived safely if it is appropriate.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It is more women who appreciate this aspect, as they often doubt it &#xA;has happened as they expected.  And with our children it is good to&#xA;know things have gone ok, as sometimes there are problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T14:41:02.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13435" CreationDate="2018-04-20T15:37:42.180" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I liked the other answers so far by Astralbee and by sleske.  In addition to &lt;em&gt;what to do right now,&lt;/em&gt; I want to spend a moment thinking about &lt;em&gt;what happens next.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your personal boundaries with your mother right now will begin to set the tone for her relationship to your family as grandmother.  Is it OK for her to give you unsolicited advice?  Is it OK for her to pop in for a visit without calling first?  Is it OK for her to tell you that she thinks what you're doing is wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a baby makes a person vulnerable.  That makes this one of those times when you should keep in mind that with some people, &quot;if you give an inch they take an ell&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now for the flip side.  In my business, we take safety very seriously, and every person, from the guy who sweeps the floor to the company president, has the authority and the obligation to stop or pause &quot;the work&quot; if he or she thinks it's going to be unsafe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean a fight, but it's a conversation where you say, &quot;wait a moment: I think if you do that, this might happen.&quot;  It's anything you think of, and a lot of times there wasn't anything wrong and that's OK.  We acknowledge that no individual person sees everything or has experienced everything, so we enable this interaction as a matter of policy and the company is committed to spending &lt;em&gt;lots of money,&lt;/em&gt; if necessary, to keep this policy up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when the company tries to do something with real risks, they don't just let anybody stand around: they clear out the area and make sure the people they trust are there.  This way there are enough eyeballs to make sure nothing gets missed, and there aren't any dumb questions slowing things down, either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Congratulations and best wishes on your upcoming labor, delivery, and motherhood!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T15:37:42.180" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13452" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-20T16:27:29.133" Score="7" ViewCount="316" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work as a software developer in a medium sized company in developed country A.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have family relations to underdeveloped country B. Due to economic crisis, glorification of the west and nepotism being common in country B, I got several requests from family members/ &quot;good&quot; friends of family members to &quot;ask my HR for a job/an internship etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While my company is hiring, these requests have in my opinion multiple issues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Language: The applicants have problems with English and usually no knowledge of the local language&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lack of skills: Even though they payed lots of $$$ to go to prestigious universities in B, the education system in B is generally below our standards. They lack work experience and knowledge of the technology stack we use. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lack of Visa and work permit. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With these issues I don't feel comfortable forwarding their applications to HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I have tried:&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;Pointing out the obvious issues in the CV. Resulted in &quot;Ok, help me write a good CV&quot;. After several hours the CV looked so similar to mine, that an experienced HR will probably notice the similarities and guess who wrote it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pointing out lack of skills. Resulted in &quot;Ok, teach me programming language X&quot; or &quot;But I graduated from the best university in B, can you help me registering as a Master/Phd student at a university in country A (or even western countries C and D)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pointing out the missing visa. Resulted in &quot;Can you call your countries immigration department and help me get a visa&quot;. &quot;Can you sign an affidavit of support&quot;. &quot;Ask your company to write me an invitation letter&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So whatever I tied, I will end up wasting lots of time while still coming across as unhelpful, arrogant westerner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I decline these requests in a polite way while still pointing them into the right direction?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17016" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T16:33:31.630" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T17:34:34.970" Title="How do I handle unsuitable requests for endorsement of jobs/internships applicants?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13441" CreationDate="2018-04-20T16:46:27.467" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually say something along the lines of &quot;Always do!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be taken as just a joke or pleasantry, but has the side effect of makeing the questioner think about this salutation. Are they implying that otherwise I would be unsafe? It's almost an insulting insinuation, although it is probably not intended this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in the case of someone who means this to be taken seriously, it is a response that can be taken seriously, while those who do not mean it in a deep way will not be confused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5752" LastEditorUserId="5752" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T16:53:13.103" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T16:53:13.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13452" CreationDate="2018-04-20T16:53:52.833" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the ways to try and deflect these requests would be to point them to relevant websites for visa application, online programming courses etc. And if they continue to request help, point out that in your company workers are supposed to be fairly self sufficient and if they can't use these resources on their own they are not ready for this job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also emphasize that in Country A unlike B nepotism is not as common (and you are not high enough to engage in it anyway) so they'd still have to compete with others even if they come recommended and it's by no means a guarantee, so once again, if they can't navigate a visa application or brush up on relevant technology they'd have no chance of passing technical interviews and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line make your help contingent on them helping themselves first, that way if they do have the drive you'll see it and maybe more enthusiastic to recommend them and if they just want a easy ride they'll fail those first steps so you can keep shooting them down with the same script.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea here is that once you have a list of helpful resources (which does require some effort on your part) you have a more or less universal answer that you can roll out anytime more requests come in without having to spend too much energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2002" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T16:53:52.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13435" CreationDate="2018-04-20T16:55:54.527" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a socially anxious/introverted guy, I feel (some of!) your pain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any form of pushing back/away from a family member can be difficult to take, particularly if unexpected. That's why I'd suggest making the conversation a suggestion rather than a rejection: don't tell her when she isn't welcome, invite her when she is. You are still setting boundaries that you're comfortable with, while still allowing her to feel wanted and helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, this delivery is going to be quite stressful for me. It'd be great if you could be there for me one or two days, maybe (suggest days &amp;amp; times). Just check with my husband to agree a time that suits everyone? Thanks so much..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17024" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T16:55:54.527" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13457" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13462" CreationDate="2018-04-20T17:23:07.550" Score="3" ViewCount="768" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend has been experiencing some health issues lately which might be quite serious. However, he doesn't want me to inquire, tells me to forget about it, and my best guess is he doesn't want pity for his situation. At the same time, he sounds so stressed that I find it hard to do nothing. Part of me wants to respect his wishes because he is an adult who is not required to share everything with me, and maybe talking about this will increase his stress. The other part feels that maybe leaving him alone right now is being irresponsible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are good friends, who both recently moved, so he lives in a different city to me. We usually communicate via messaging. The move was recent so I at least have not had time to build up a good support network in my new environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give him space, let him know he can reach out to me whenever he is ready&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Force contact (if so, how?)&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to him about other things (via messaging? ask to Skype?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to him about what is happening with him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Visit him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I left the options up there as some answers already refer to them, but am no longer asking for which option to take)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to keep our relationship going, so that he has someone to talk to should he want to. But how can I communicate that I both respect him and do not pity him, and that I care deeply about his wellbeing? I want to acknowledge the situation, rather than pretend nothing happened and just send trifling messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17027" LastEditorDisplayName="user17027" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T18:31:21.770" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T02:33:41.037" Title="Friend is having a hard time, but resists emotional support" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13452" CreationDate="2018-04-20T17:34:34.970" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like there's a cultural component to these requests.  It sounds like nepotism is common in Country B and these relatives expect you to engage in what is, to them, a normal practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've taken steps that don't really address these cultural differences.  In your current country, it's expected that applicants have [x] set of skills and resume whereas in the old country, it's expected that others will help get jobs, possibly irrespective of qualification or need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest starting by reframing the response to the question.  Rather than explain why their application won't work (and invite a response that &quot;invites&quot; you to help fix their application), explain why your help won't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I wish I could.  In this country, I have no impact at all on the hiring process&quot;  &quot;I'm sorry, visa applications are handled by their embassy and I have nothing I can do to help&quot;  &quot;Why do you need my help registering for  university? You've graduated from the best university; surely that enabled you to be able to register.&quot;  &quot;This company doesn't do invitation letters.&quot;  &quot;In this country, they expect you do those things yourself.  My doing them for you makes you look like you aren't capable and only hurts your chances.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you don't appear unhelpful but reframe the discussion as &quot;the means you are used to don't apply here&quot;.  I'd also expect that, coming from a culture where nepotism appears to be the way things are done, there will be a lot of guilt applied.  &quot;So-and-so would help.  Why won't you?&quot;  &quot;What, you can't help your family?  Who raised you?  Are you too good for us now?&quot;  &quot;Look at the snooty Westerner - moves away and forgets where home is!&quot;  I can't advise culturally how to deal with that; in my family I'd merely say, &quot;I'm not accepting this guilt; I've told you why my help would have no value and it's up to you to accept my explanation or not.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T17:34:34.970" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13457" CreationDate="2018-04-20T18:01:52.620" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend is having a hard time, but resists emotional support&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guys are hopeless at recognising emotional impacts of situations.&#xA;They also hate dwelling on things they can do nothing about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best support one can give is time and just being with someone&#xA;despite the things they can do nothing about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to create space, so that issues can come out, not because&#xA;the space is there because of problems but because sharing makes sense&#xA;when you know people care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worst thing is appearing to want to know something but not&#xA;being able to change anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the person, some are so unmedical, finding out what is&#xA;wrong, and then giving some context can be helpful.  But this depends&#xA;on both ones own knowledge and that of the other party.  In a close&#xA;relatives situation, finding out the problem saved their life, &#xA;because they are fairly hopeless at identifying when things go critical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the crucial step is trust, and just showing support in general&#xA;that earns the right to be trusted.  It sounds though you have not&#xA;yet reached this point in your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would suggest some face to face time, maybe a weekend visit, that&#xA;gives time for things to relax and not be rushed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T18:01:52.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13457" CreationDate="2018-04-20T18:16:15.940" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would choose your option #1  with a bit of mix in from #2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped at the moment, if you try too hard you will create more disconnect. But what you can do is &lt;strong&gt;be there for him&lt;/strong&gt; and try to &lt;strong&gt;continue on with your life and relationship&lt;/strong&gt;. Your help might be just that you are around and you keep going - that's what helps your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once your friend feels he needs to share &lt;strong&gt;he will&lt;/strong&gt; share. By trying to pick and dig through and get the information &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; need you might put more stress and create more emotional gap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14454" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T18:16:15.940" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8377" CreationDate="2018-04-20T19:20:23.407" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like many of the answers offered here, especially the ones where you do a different respectful gesture of greeting. However, here are a few strategies for deterring handshakes, though they require some planning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to an event (especially a professional one), can you &lt;strong&gt;enlist an ally&lt;/strong&gt; to stay with you at the beginning, when introductions are most likely to take place? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they stand directly to your right, it might make it more awkward for people to lean across them to shake your hand, and might make it more natural to have a nod or a wave instead with the introduction. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or if you avoid shaking hands in front of the ally, your ally's normal reaction to your behavior will guide the new person to act normally, as well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some situations, you could &lt;strong&gt;plan to hold something in both hands&lt;/strong&gt;. If you hold things and do not rearrange them to be able to shake hands, this should deter people from insisting on shaking hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;At many social occasions, this could be a plate in one hand and a glass or a fork in the other. An awkward shrug or a smile, or even, &quot;Sorry I can't shake your hand&quot; can be helpful if the person seems to really want to shake your hand, but you can probably even just go ahead with saying, &quot;It is so nice to meet you, [name].&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Can you get a briefcase-style bag that you typically hold in your right hand? (With or without something else taking up your left hand?) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relying on &quot;circumstances&quot; like this that make it a poor opportunity to shake hands will reduce the pressure you get to shake hands, and it will give you more time and social space to decline politely. The downside is that some people may perceive you as unprepared for the situation, awkward, clumsy, or perhaps rude (if it would take very little effort to switch something to the other hand or move to shake hands). However, it seems like those potential negative reactions are a smaller risk than the potential negative reactions to strategies 2 or 3 you suggested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T19:20:23.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13464" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13474" CreationDate="2018-04-20T19:49:58.143" Score="14" ViewCount="12687" Body="&lt;p&gt;Occasionally when we have friends who are neighbours over to visit we are asked for access to our wifi so their kids can watch videos on their phone or whatever. Since neighbours are very close to within range of our network all the time, I would prefer not to grant access in order to ensure they aren’t connected when they are not with us. How to decline the request without causing offence? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please do not ask about routers, networks, the cost of internet service, passwords, signal strength, or mention anything other than what is in scope: how to say no in this scenario without communicating mistrust or otherwise causing offence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16907" LastEditorUserId="16907" LastEditDate="2018-04-21T18:29:45.517" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T02:39:41.320" Title="What’s the best way to decline sharing my WiFi network with neighbours?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="301" CreationDate="2018-04-20T19:50:07.103" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, I am assuming:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it was a pretty big favor you did, something that would otherwise have been impossible, required an expensive professional, or was deeply meaningful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the amount of money they offer is not close (&amp;lt; 1/5) to what they would have had to pay a professional but significant independently (not just pocket change)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems to me like they're offering you a &quot;token of their appreciation&quot;. &#xA;It's a sincere sign of gratitude which doesn't try to minimize the value of the favor that was given. &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;If this is the case, then you will have to accept if they insist.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;To do otherwise would be to say that you don't value their gratitude, and by extension, them - they are as beggars to you, less than children (since you would accept a little drawing, pretty rock, or flower from a child).&#xA;This is part of why people making this offer are so insistent - it can feel awful to not be able to at least express gratitude concretely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But maybe those assumptions are wrong. In that case...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the favor you did was minor and the amount of money offered is similar to the value of the favor, then you are mostly free to say no (unless they really, really insist.)&#xA;Be honest - &quot;it was nothing&quot;, &quot;you don't owe me anything&quot;, &quot;I did it because you're a friend&quot;, &quot;I'm sure you would do the same for me&quot;, etc. &#xA;If they insist, then you could simply suggest a minor alternative - &quot;buy me a beer&quot; or whatever is culturally appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The general rule is that you can offer a few refusals, but you pretty much have to accept a sincere gift that wouldn't be inconvenient to you (you can refuse a dog, a bulky cabinet, stolen goods, a piano, etc.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1758" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T19:50:07.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8377" CreationDate="2018-04-20T19:50:29.377" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find shaking hands displeasing too, but not for the reasons indicated. I do because I think it's misleading. In interviews, it seems to imply mutual confidence, support or agreement, the willingness to strike a deal, when in fact all of those can be absent, and the act of shaking hands be just a mannerism, part of the &lt;em&gt;mise en scène&lt;/em&gt; (like things people wear).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are alternatives to shaking hands and ways to avoid it. You could wear gloves (I imagine white, delicate, almost transparent gloves). You would still hand-shake but without skin contact. You could fake a bandage or sling so that your arm will stay still (unless the interview would include a written test, or you feel uncomfortable with it). You could carry something in your hand you don't let go, like a folder under your arm. Failing all that, you could practice shaking hands with your left hand. Practice till it becomes automatic. You'll find either the handshake won't take place (no hands will meet), or if they do extend their left hand to you, they'll feel as uncomfortable as you, maybe even more, and that'll serve them well and teach them how uncomfortable shaking hands can be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are other things you could jockingly. You could do a martial salute. You could do Spock's Vulcan salute. You could wear a hat and use it in various ways. There are very elegant ways a hat can be used. You could give them a direct glance, a wink, raise your eyebrows. Use any of this as a greeting rather quickly, and quickly move on to the next phase, maybe open up the conversation, to signal clearly that the greeting is over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for me I've successfully avoided shaking hands with interviewers just by keeping my distance. I find few people would walk forward three steps for a handshake, most will remain where they are. If when entering the room and leaving it you make a decisive move to increase the distance or put a table between the two of you, even a chair, or if you'll be leaving, open the door and face sideways (anywhere except towards them), that can dissuade most people. Being seen to assertively and purposely walk around and take a position might even be seen as a positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no need to accept other people's unwritten rules if you don't want to, even widespread rules. You can also make the rules wherever you go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10764" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T19:50:29.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13467" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13441" CreationDate="2018-04-20T20:04:10.503" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could respond with, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;You too!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This works for both of the possible meanings you've mentioned (both as &lt;em&gt;I hope you have a safe drive too!&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;You drive responsibly too!&lt;/em&gt;),&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It shows the other person the same care they're showing you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, you're avoiding your concern over confused meanings while at the same time giving a polite (and brief) response, which helps close the conversation (probably the actual intent the person had in the first place).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15973" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T20:04:10.503" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13468" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-20T20:17:20.923" Score="5" ViewCount="1273" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't normally gamble. On the rare occasion, if asked by a group of friends, I may consider it if it's not for much money. (for example it's possible everyone is given chips for free and return them at the end so no real money is involved). How do I ask how much money, if any, people are planning on involving? In theory games like poker could be done free or for hundreds of dollars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is the backstory. I live in a large shared house with a lot of international people. We have trouble communicating as English is the only common language but many don't feel comfortable speaking it. (Also there are some culture differences, like I noticed someone was resting his feet on the table which is different than I'm used to).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone in the house suggested we get together to do something fun to get to know each other. I think this is a great idea. Someone else suggested poker. I'm not really comfortable gambling in the first place, let alone with roommates who don't normally speak the same language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to avoid the awkward situation where it looks like I'm trying to avoid them as people would probably know I'm home but not joining. How can this be done? On the other hand, if no money is involved, I may as well join. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T21:10:13.367" Title="How to ask if people are gambling for &quot;real money&quot; with leaving possibility not to join?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;games&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13441" CreationDate="2018-04-20T21:19:43.493" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;TLDR:  Why not both!  &quot;Thanks, I will!&quot; or any variant is perfectly acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, I think that in general, both &quot;Thanks!&quot; and &quot;Will do!&quot;, along with any variant of those (&quot;Thank you!&quot;, &quot;I will!&quot;, &quot;Always do!&quot;, etc) are perfectly acceptable.  Generally, when a person says &quot;Drive safe!&quot; at the end of a conversation, it's as much of a farewell (akin to &quot;Goodbye!&quot; or &quot;Have a nice day!&quot;) as it is an actual request for you to drive safely.  Regardless of whether they are saying it seriously as a warning, or as a general farewell, either response is acceptable, and you needn't worry about the grammatical correctness.  The only time I'd consider a different response if they say something specific about the conditions (&quot;Be careful out there, I've heard there's a lot of black ice on the road!&quot; -&gt; &quot;Oh wow, thanks for the warning!  I'll be careful!&quot;), but even then, either of the simple responses you proposed would still be valid and acceptable 99% of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That having been said, if you are concerned that the person telling you to drive safe may be using it specifically as a farewell or a specific request, and you aren't sure which, there's nothing wrong with replying with both.  &quot;Thanks, I will!&quot; (or any variant thereof) will allow you to address both forms, is grammatically correct, and is perfectly acceptable.  It also is short and succinct, so you needn't worry about dragging the conversation on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17037" LastEditorUserId="17037" LastEditDate="2018-04-20T21:24:48.893" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T21:24:48.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13464" CreationDate="2018-04-20T21:27:25.203" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll start out with a warning: you are accountable for what happens on your network.  You don't need to tell people that, but should keep that in mind.  Someone uses your wifi to send a threatening e-mail to the President?  The Secret Service will be at &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; door, wanting information. It will be up to you to prove that, even though it came from your network, it wasn't from you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping that in mind, I would say, &quot;I'm sorry, we don't connect devices we don't own to our wireless.&quot;  Leave it at that.  Don't offer the above explanation; all you'll get in response is &quot;well, we would never do that.&quot;  Restricting traffic to only devices you own is a reasonable security measure; some companies do that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The kids might get bored; I'd suggest investing in a couple good movie DVDs that they haven't seen or a Netflix subscription.  Then you can say the above but add &quot;However, we do have Netflix (or hulu or Amazon or whatever) and the kids are welcome to watch that while you're here&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T21:27:25.203" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13468" CreationDate="2018-04-20T21:44:11.447" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say that you're willing to play poker and suggest from the get-go that you all use just chips or some kind of cheap substitute. Even if every single one of you loved poker and was willing to lose money on it, you don't want to create a situation where people who live together end up owing each other large amounts of money. Then if anyone argues, you can point to that policy as a reason not to want to play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2145" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T21:44:11.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13441" CreationDate="2018-04-20T22:46:51.043" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've both said and received this comment/command. I usually respond with &quot;I will&quot; or &quot;Will do&quot;, but if you want to cover all your bases just say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Thanks, will do&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's vague enough that it will satisfy any serious request while being polite and casual enough that it won't be seen as reading too much into a meaningless pleasantry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17039" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T22:46:51.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1057" CreationDate="2018-04-20T23:42:49.660" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read a small booklet many years ago by a man by the name of Vincent Collins; it was called 'Acceptance.' I understood from that text, that if someone wants to help when you haven't asked them, it's actually called interference. They are interfering and they should basically f off and mind their own business. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, and to answer your question, say no thank you. You may have to repeat your 'no thank you' but that's ok. I mean, you shouldn't have to, but some people are a bit, well, human. They think they're doing the right thing. Let them get on with it. Senior citizen? You're an elder states-person. You are someone who has lived and who knows. To sum, a firm, 'I said NO.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11728" LastActivityDate="2018-04-20T23:42:49.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13468" CreationDate="2018-04-21T01:57:23.763" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short answer:&lt;/strong&gt; Ask :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a concern for you, simply ask the person who suggested it what the stakes would be.  Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I quite like the idea of us all playing poker, but I'd really rather not play for actual money.  If you're just planning to play with plastic chips then I'd be happy to join in.  Otherwise, I'm just not comfortable betting real money here.  What did you have in mind?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you're showing interest in playing, but not in losing your shirt :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8641" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T01:57:23.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13468" CreationDate="2018-04-21T03:04:40.283" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't like to gamble with real money but would love to join in if we're just playing with plastic chips.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that this is a good solution because it uses clear and direct language, mitigating any sort of misunderstanding due to language barriers, or misinterpretation of intention due to cultural differences. When language and culture differences are factors in communication, I think that keeping things simple is more effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16961" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-21T07:01:54.227" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T07:01:54.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13441" CreationDate="2018-04-21T05:51:48.580" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;They don't mean it. This is a North American cultural thing. If someone was to say that where I come from, I would hug him and say &quot;Thanks. I care about you too&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When in North America, the store clerk asks you &quot;how are you?&quot; and is bewildered when I take time to tell him. In recent time this has escalated to &quot;take care&quot; / &quot;drive safely&quot; etc. Next year: &quot;always use condoms&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just smile and say thanks. They neither overly care about you safety nor imply anything about your driving skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15713" LastEditorUserId="15713" LastEditDate="2018-04-21T05:58:29.187" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T05:58:29.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="301" CreationDate="2018-04-21T07:49:49.817" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When refusing money for something I did for a friend/family, I always tell people, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't do it for money. If I did, you couldn't afford me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find this usually gets a chuckle and is fairly effective. Helps that it is true. Think of how much you would expect to make in order to do the task for money. You can also try telling them,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's not nearly enough. I charge $### an hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continue after that, I tell them,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you insist, you can by the first round next time &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(or something appropriate where you get to spend more time with the person)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still continue, I firmly tell them,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not taking your money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13302" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T07:49:49.817" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13468" CreationDate="2018-04-21T11:12:37.823" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Normally, if a group of friends want to play poker together, they play for money, but only for very small amounts. The whole point of playing poker is that there is something to loose, so people think before betting. If you can always get as many new chips as you want for free, you may as well bet everything, every time. So you either have to play for something (money) or you need to limit the amount of chips people can get, and don't let them play anymore when they are gone. Doing something together with friends is not so much fun if half the people are not allowed to play anymore, so that is why people usually play for money.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, nobody wants to loose their rent money on a game, nobody wants arguments, and most people don't want to make money off their friends, especially if they play a little better than the rest. So people usually play for very small amounts. For me, a general rule of thumb would be that even if you are extremely unlucky, you would still spend less than what you normally spend on an activity together. On average it costs nothing of course.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was a student I would play poker with my friends about once a month. If we went out for a few beers I would spend 10 to 50 euro most nights, if we played poker together, we would have a €5 buy-in. That would normally give me enough chips to play for 1 or 2 hours on a bad day. On a good day I would obviously play all evening with it because my pile would only grow. The most I ever lost was €20, and I also won €15 to €20 a few times.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your question you are not clear about whether you want to play for money at all, and if so, for how much. I think that they will tell you that they want to play for very small amounts if you ask them. I would think about whether I am ok with that before I ask the question. If you tell them you don't want to play for any money, they can consider changing the plan for you, if they don't want to change the plan, at least they know whether they should count on you. If they tell you they want to play for a completely insignificant amount, and you tell them that you still don't know if you want to join, they can't do anything, and it is just annoying for them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second issue you brought up is that playing for money could lead to arguments, In my experience that is very rare if you play for very small amounts. The only thing I ever saw that caused some irritation is 'borrowing from the pot', of from the winner. People want to buy more chips, but they don't have the money on them, so they get the chips anyway, and promise to pay the €5 to the winner later. What often happened is that the winner does not want to make money off his friends, and tells the people to forget about the money that should still be paid. This is for fair to the people who did bother to come prepared, and went the extra mile to get some cash, they get a bit annoyed, and may forget to bring money on purpose next time. Then things get messy, that is why we did not allow borrowing from the pot anymore after a while, and told people to borrow directly from a friend if they don't have the money on them, that worked fine. Nobody was ever annoyed for long though. Often the winner would take back his own €5, and spend the rest of his winnings on some beer for the group. The annoyed people had 3 hours of fun for only €5, and they they even got back 4 of them in beer, so they forgot about it not being fair after about 10 seconds!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always had a lot of fun playing poker with friends, and in the end it was one of the cheapest activities we could do, so I can only recommend it, but only if the stakes are low and you wont miss the money you could loose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastEditorUserId="8064" LastEditDate="2018-04-21T11:46:16.530" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T11:46:16.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13464" CreationDate="2018-04-21T13:51:16.133" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since technical solutions are not acceptable (on this site, on other sites they would be more than welcome), the situation is: Your neighbours want X, it seems a reasonable request to them, but from your point of view there is no way you can give them X. For reasons that are good, but that your neighbour doesn't understand. In this situation, giving them X is unacceptable, but telling them &quot;you can't have X&quot; will not go down well (Oleg's comment &quot;I would definitely be offended by that&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, you could try giving them the wrong password, and after half an hour trying to get it to work you give up. Or you claim that you don't know the password, your son-in-law has set up everything on the WiFi and you have no idea what the password is and no idea how to find out what the password is (my wife would have actually no idea what the WiFi password is or how to find it, so this is quite a reasonable explanation). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like lying generally, especially when it is unnecessary. In this case, I feel it is the best you can do. Obviously this is a situation where you get better results with a technical solution than with an interpersonal solution, so you might check on other sites. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Concerning recent comments: Somebody hasn't read the question properly. The question was &quot;What's the best way to decline sharing my WiFi network with neighbours&quot;. I have the impression here that some people aren't reading the question properly and are downvoting for answering it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T21:38:52.580" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T21:38:52.580" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13468" CreationDate="2018-04-21T15:07:10.207" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, in individualistic societies, typically Western, we can ask directly and decline with the usual range of polite phrases without offence. There is, however, some risk of being classed as simply 'not one of them'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With collectivist, shame-based societies, it is important to minimise confrontation and allow for saving face. Given that, I have found people from the Far East (my area of contact) practical enough to allow for individual taste, especially if you are not one of them anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to say, 'No', it is less confronting if you have an involuntary reason: illness, inescapable commitment, culture or taboo. Even personal embarrassment works well, since emotions are not seen as a choice. This is one example of our own limitation being the reason for not participating, usually easier for others to accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your ignorance of poker is a workable excuse. You can also show interest by offering an alternative to playing, such as watching the game. This way, you do not have to ask about the gambling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask directly and they say it is cashless, then you are almost trapped into playing. One way out of this is to make the gambling question a side issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: &quot;Oh my! We were never allowed to play poker at home [taboo]. I don't know anything about it; I would feel so bad and just spoil it for everyone else [personal weakness]. Would it be ok if I watched for a bit [diversion/safe alternative + involvement]? By the way, isn't it a terribly expensive game to play [frame as 'side issue' + exaggeration]?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By over-stating your concern, you allow them to graciously 'correct' your 'misunderstanding'. If they were thinking of gambling [confrontation risk], you have enabled them to change their minds without revealing the fact [face-saver]: &quot;Oh no, we don't have to play for money; we use matchsticks.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, if we keep our focus on the well-being of the others, that tends to show through and 'trump' a lot of gaffes. Then, one great way to heal the inevitable mistakes is a quick, explicit and unreserved apology. With such caring attitudes, we can explore each other's culture and form our own cultural microcosm within the residence. What else would internationals expect in such circumstances?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17054" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T15:07:10.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13464" CreationDate="2018-04-21T15:23:38.727" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;1) Provide a device for the kids as an alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Use work security as an excuse. &quot;Some of the files we deal with are sensitive, so it's in my contract that we don't connect devices not owned by the household. I know it seems harmless, but they're starting to crack down on it. Wish we could, here's a household iPad for movie watching.&quot; &quot;How would they check?&quot; &quot;I don't know, but I'm worried enough about it that I'd rather just give them this iPad.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Say that you don't know the password anymore/everyone lost it and your devices connect automatically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) Bring up a news item where password sharing was a problem. &quot;I know you guys would never do anything bad with my network, but what if your device was stolen! Sorry to be paranoid!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;5) Bandwidth/blame the gamer/work program. &quot;We don't give out our password any more as a blanket rule now. We'd given it out in the past at our other place and some people were using it when they weren't here--too many people it crashed Charlie's/my game because it ate up too much bandwidth, so now it's a rule. I know you guys wouldn't sign in to our network when you weren't in our house, but, we just want to be fair, so the rule is for everyone. No devices on the network that we don't own! Thems the rules kids!&quot; OR &quot;I use a program that uses a lot of bandwidth to work from home (InDesign or remote access on top of a lot of programs on the home PC or something) and I can't run the risk of it crashing and losing all my work because other users are on the system. I know you guys wouldn't etcetera, etc...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-24T06:14:26.730" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T06:14:26.730" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13492" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13441" CreationDate="2018-04-21T16:15:47.343" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not a sincere message of concern for your driving.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just a &lt;strong&gt;salutation&lt;/strong&gt; - quite similar to my um, favorite, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Have a good one&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.  It is just a matter of people looking for more variety than the normal salutation,  &quot;Goodbye&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Goodbye&quot; will suffice.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T16:15:47.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13494" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-21T18:24:40.863" Score="3" ViewCount="1903" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have social anxiety, and this has been getting in the way of me interacting with my friends. A particularly problematic event is when one of them have a complaint, and then when I'm taking to them about said complaint, the others pick up, and then I panic and surrender, which only makes everyone else more distressed, because I'm panicking and not able to watch my words closely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say to either prevent them from ganging up on me, or more calmly give in when they start doing so? They don't really seem themselves as ganging up on me every time, but do to my anxiety, I have trouble discriminating between it happening and not happening, if they all join in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17060" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T13:19:54.610" Title="How to deal with people ganging up on me when they have complaints?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13495" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-21T18:57:40.707" Score="11" ViewCount="7707" Body="&lt;p&gt;My name is Thomas. People often call me Tom, as that is a standard nickname for Thomas. However, I have always gone by my full name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't identify with the name Tom. When it is used, I have to consciously remind myself that this name is referring to me and not someone else. It's not something that upsets me, but it's distracting. I know they are acting in good faith. It comes across as someone trying to sound friendly, but it actually emphasizes how little they know me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I gently indicate to people that I prefer my full name? I don't want to offend them (e.g. by seeming too formal) and it's not a big enough deal to me to really worry about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This issue arises in many contexts -- people I meet at a social event, my accountant, my manager at work, in conversations, in emails, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(On the opposite side, there are questions on this site for someone who prefers a nickname: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/10729&quot;&gt;How do I get someone to call me by the name I prefer?&lt;/a&gt; details another party refusing to use a preferred nickname even after the topic has been explicitly discussed. And &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/4480&quot;&gt;How to introduce your nickname to new people?&lt;/a&gt; applies to initial introductions only.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17063" LastEditorUserId="17063" LastEditDate="2018-04-21T21:47:37.803" LastActivityDate="2020-08-15T08:03:16.170" Title="How to gently tell people NOT to use a nickname for me" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;nickname&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13496" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13495" CreationDate="2018-04-21T22:07:49.803" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are perfectly entitled to being called by the name that you want to be called by. People might get it wrong sometimes, but no reasonable person would be offended if you say &quot;Please call me Thomas, not Tom. I very much prefer being called by my full name&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this offends anyone, then this is entirely their problem, and I would say that they are very unreasonable. That person is rare and best avoided. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T22:07:49.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13497" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13495" CreationDate="2018-04-21T22:38:23.857" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;People usually shorten a person's name as a way to be friendly. So there's no reason why you shouldn't keep it friendly too. You can say something short and simple like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I prefer Thomas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make it long, don't make it sound like it's a big issue. Polite people should accept your preference, and there's nothing for them to feel uncomfortable about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people persist once you've expressed your preference, that's a different story entirely. Then you can stress your original statement some more, you can expand on it, like gnasher729 suggests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-04-21T22:38:23.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13457" CreationDate="2018-04-22T05:14:42.413" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most men don't like to show weakness. It comes from evolutionary artifacts embedded within human DNA that resonate echoes from primordial existence when the weak and infirm were shunned or killed. It's a form of protection no longer necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know from experience that I've often hidden pain and suffering for fear of making myself vulnerable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I've done in similar situations is simply say, &quot;If there's anything I can do, please let me know.&quot; But make sure you're prepared to back it up. I've found that if the diagnosis is recent, a person needs time to come to grips with it. There is an element of grieving associated with serious health problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I've questioned who I can truly rely on, because even the best of friends many times won't carry through to the end. You could demonstrate your commitment by researching his condition and perhaps giving him more hope. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might consider recommending that your friend teach others in at-risk groups how to avoid contracting the same condition. I've found this to be very healing, because it imparts worth to our suffering. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last thing is, I know I never like to let friends down. If he's a true friend, maybe he doesn't want to let you down. In his mind placing emotional distance between the two of you may be the best way to spare your feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen this happen several times. Many times when a spouse (not your position I know)  receives a terminal diagnosis, (s)he will seek a divorce to spare the other spouse grief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't work, or course, because, as I have found, there are no shortcuts in this life! So, I've found that if you give it some time, make your presence known without expectations, and be as honest as you can be, that produces the best result. Everyone wants to be loved! That will never change!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-24T02:33:41.037" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T02:33:41.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13379" CreationDate="2018-04-22T09:46:01.387" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried suggesting that I am not comfortable with this, but she usually just laughs it off and brings it up again later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Am I right to guess that the situations where she can avoid a serious conversation by changing the conversation are when you are the one that brings up the topic? A conversation that begins like &amp;quot;Hey Suzy, I'd like to speak to you about that wedding thingy&amp;quot;. With this start, she knows the conversation will be unpleasant, and what many people do when they see something unpleasant coming is to avoid it. You also know that the conversation will not make you comfortable because you know Suzy is in a rough situation (visa issues are very stressful) and you want to keep your friendship, so that's easy for you to let Suzy deflect the conversation and not insist too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I propose is that next time she talks about wedding, play along and ask her very seriously about the wedding details:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suzy: I love [city] so much. Going back to [country] would be awful. What about marrying me so that I can stay in the US?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sleepytime: Great idea! When do you want to get married? Actually, what about marrying in your country? I always wanted to have a different wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suzy: Sure, that could be fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sleepytime: Good. How many kids do you want? My mother would love many grandchildren. At least 5. Speaking about my parents, you know they are [religion]. So, before we can marry, you should convert to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suzy: err, wait a second...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can adapt to your and Suzy's personal situation. That way, you make Suzy realize (if she hadn't already) that marriage is a serious business, and a serious discussion is necessary. In addition, she cannot easily avoid the conversation as she started it, especially because you show interest in the topic. After that, you should be able to make her understand that you think her idea is a terribly bad one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An alternative&lt;/strong&gt;: there is a possibility, since you already tried to start a conversation about the topic and tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable, that she already knows that fact. As she knows you will never take the wedding proposal seriously, she proposes you half-jokingly and avoids serious conversations about it, because there is no need to have one. Then, when she brings up the topic next time, you can take it as a joke:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suzy: (...) Hey, what about marrying me so that I can stay in the US?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sleepytime: Are you kidding?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give her a few seconds to answer. If she says she is serious, go with my first idea. Otherwise,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sleepytime: You know, I don't find this joke very funny. You are my friend and I'd love to have you stay in the US, but that kind of things are not my cup of tea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and continue with a normal conversation. If you take that road, you may want to have a friendly conversation about her visa issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5387" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-22T03:17:40.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13464" CreationDate="2018-04-22T09:47:58.507" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, as a house rule we don't share passwords with people outside of family. If you need to look something up, I can bring you the family tablet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mention that it's a house/family rule, which tells them you can't simply decide to make an exception on your own.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't share passwords, which is easier for people to accept than not sharing WiFi.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You provide an alternative to sharing your WiFi, in case they have an exceptional need for internet access.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not even start explain why that rule is in place. It's in place, and it counts for everyone. Polite company doesn't question house rules as long as they sound reasonable - but if you give reasons for things being a certain way and they disagree with those reasons, even polite company may let you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2018-04-22T09:47:58.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1030" CreationDate="2018-04-22T15:52:52.670" Score="-4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;There are the neighborhoods with Hispanic people but a lot of them don't speak English and the Blacks who don't trust us. And then there's the normal neighborhoods, which are easy.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of different ways to interpret this. For example, the &quot;abormal&quot; thing could be that people there don't speak the language of the country (ie, English), or don't trust members of your community organization... None of these have anything to do with race issues. It could be abnormally high crime, or poverty, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We are both &quot;white&quot; and her implication that non-white neighborhoods are somehow abnormal really bothered me and I had to step away from her because I didn't know how to respond. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's unfortunate, as the best thing to do would have been to say something very simple like &quot;how so?&quot; and let her explain and elaborate her way of seeing things. Since she's an old member of the organization and you are a newcomer, a conversation where she gives you all the information you want will flow naturally. In fact this conversation would occur on its own unless you actively prevent it, for example by going all out based on &lt;em&gt;one single word&lt;/em&gt; which may have been a misunderstanding, and then leaving before you could have all the information... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, neither you nor anyone here has any idea what she actually meant. It's all assumptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that she doesn't mean to be casually racist because that goes against the purpose of this organization and our outreach but I'm not sure how to respond to her to recommend a better phrasing than the white = &quot;normal&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, if she spends lots of hours every week helping poor blacks you can be pretty sure she isn't racist, and she probably thought your reaction was silly. You make no mention of her reaction in your question, which is unfortunate, as it would be useful to know what she's thinking... but I'm sure she noticed you cringe when she used the word &quot;normal&quot;, then when  you awkwardly exited the conversation. So, just assume she knows exactly what you think and is most likely wondering how to talk to you about this and fix the issue. The whole situation is so cliché it would be hard not to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you can try something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You know how people of my generation are always told to be careful not to sound racist, so the word 'normal' always makes me cringe a little bit...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a I-sentence, without accusation, also it says the truth (ie, you cringed) and it doesn't assume she's racist, just that she could sound like that to someone from a younger generation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if it makes more sense to address her directly or to mention something about this to the leaders of the group to be addressed more broadly under the umbrella of racial sensitivity training.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, have you ever managed a non-profit?... It's simple, these people aren't paid, so the manager's top priority is to keep them happy. In other words, if she has been providing useful work to the organization for free for a long time, and you barge in and want to change everything, and then you appeal to authority even before you have proven your worth... well, any manager worthy of the name will show you the door. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, as you suggest, you appeal to authority based on a judgment that might have been hasty then you're very much on your way to creating a toxic work environment, and that's the best way to lose people who work for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One single toxic individual can destroy a team, which is why it's management 101 to get rid of them ASAP. This sort is easy to identify, they're the ones that focus more on process (how we should do things)  than on goals (which are what actually matter). So don't be the one to utter the words &quot;racial sensitivity training&quot;. That's synonymous with &quot;I'm gonna be a pain, please fire me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to suggest improvements in process (like &quot;let's talk in a more inclusive manner&quot; for example) you'll have to prove your worth first so they listen to you, and also explain how this isn't just your whimsical idea but something that  &lt;strong&gt;will actually benefit the goal of the organization&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you say &quot;I'll bet that part of the reason she finds that the 'Blacks don't trust us' is because of the way she phrases things.&quot; this is a good example of it, except it's just a hunch right now, which you could study in more depth, find more arguments, perhaps ask the aforementioned people, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just talk to the old lady, framing it as a misunderstanding stemming from different ways of saying things for different generations. You'll be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-04T18:01:32.943" LastActivityDate="2019-01-04T18:01:32.943" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13468" CreationDate="2018-04-22T17:36:11.243" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe poker etiquette varies or something, but where I come from (United States, Florida) the question &quot;What's the stakes?&quot; is pretty much the standard question you ask as you go up to the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they just point to the chips, you ask: &quot;Real money or just in fun?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Suggest other stakes besides money. In a place where everyone has to&#xA;live and exist, stakes such as doing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms,&#xA;buying a 24 pack of beer for the house, fixing a large dinner and the&#xA;like, these stakes can be fun, depending on the existing structure of&#xA;chores. DO NOT make these suggestions WHILE a game is going on. That's rude. You don't like how much stakes are for, pull a face and say &quot;OH! Too rich for my blood. Maybe for lower stakes some other time.&quot; Suggestions should never happen while the game is going on. Neither should any kind of extended conversation if you are not playing. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Indicate that you'd be interested in poker, but only for low or no stakes. Or with a pot limit. A little poker knowledge goes a long way. Ask these questions. If the limit is high or gods forbid there's NO LIMIT, ask about it.I've seen games where each poker chip is considered a penny or 10 cents or a quarter each, but even that can add up for sure. Say: &quot;It's a great way to get to know each other, but I don't want us to fall out over gambling debts!&quot; Penny poker, though, seriously, it's not a big deal--pretty rare these days (most people think it's a little pansy to play that way, but if you want super low stakes, that's the way to go. Then set the pot limit at like a dollar or 50 cents a player). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In poker the etiquette is that it should be CLEAR as CRYSTAL what the terms are for the game. You don't like the terms, you should not sit at the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if poker becomes a household thing, and there are some staked games, you can ask if on Thursday or whatever day of the week you can do a steakless game. In fact, you might want to build consensus. It's unlikely that you are the only person that's not comfortable with losing money. So the solution is you talk to everyone individually-- &quot;Hey there, we talked about poker as a fun group activity. I'm not so much into gambling, but it sounds fun. Would you like to be part of a no stakes game, no money game on Friday/insert day of the week here?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want something to be a certain way, you have to take responsibility for organizing it or having conversations with folks.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastActivityDate="2018-04-22T17:36:11.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13368" CreationDate="2018-04-22T17:56:52.983" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Talk about yourself or someone else you know or have heard of who stopped or cut back on frequent small spends to save lots of money. I always see news stories and tips on social media about people who stopped buying coffee at a cafe every day and were able to save loads of money (I don't know anyone who buys coffee every day, but it must be fairly common for people to keep giving this tip!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can remind her about this - not teach her, because I'm sure she already knows it - and it will be less likely to offend her because you're not talking about her but merely about the concept, and if you are able to talk about yourself or someone you know it makes it seem more real and relevant too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can be sneaky too but it's more likely to backfire, you could do things like ask how much her recent purchase was, then act like you're changing the subject and ask if she's thought about staying another week on holiday, how much would it cost - but I think she will see through you and get upset!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17080" LastActivityDate="2018-04-22T17:56:52.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13513" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13526" CreationDate="2018-04-22T18:30:21.810" Score="9" ViewCount="1442" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a roommate I allowed to sublet with me. I have allowed their SO to move in with them. Currently I'm not receiving rent from the roommate, and that's an entirely different problem of my own creation, because I had them leave their previous job for an opportunity we ended up getting left hanging on. But I felt the lack of rent paying was important to bring up to explain the circumstances here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been covering the rent, and I told them to not stress out over it. I did not tell them it was okay to not pay rent, but rather to not stress if they were short. We have been waiting on roommate to get work from the person we invested in. SO has gotten 3 jobs and quit every one of them in less than a week during this time. They never tell me when they quit a job, only when SO gets a new one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;SO gets envious of my employees, because I pay other people to do work that SO feels capable of doing, but never actually does. I've given SO chances to work for me in the past to earn cash, and jobs have been unfinished. This has lead to tension in the household, where I never see roommate unless its with his SO. I feel taken advantage of by the SO, and not the roommate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I talk to the roommate about this? I have anxiety when I think about handling the situation. I'm unhappy that SO has left multiple jobs without making enough money to pay me back. SO has told me in the past when I asked for some rent money, that I told them not to worry about it. This is where I feel SO is being manipulative. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;SO has admitted to me in the past that they will cause a scene to get what they want in situations. I feel that they are doing this to me. My anxiety is causing me to not know how to handle this discussion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have only about a month or two more of this before I have to ask you guys about kicking them out while retaining friendship. But for now, how do I discuss this problem with roommate without SO freaking out? When I have tried to handle things in the past, it has resulted in SO throwing a tantrum and not acting like an adult. This triggers my anxiety. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit from comments&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TLDR:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have two tenants, we shall call them &quot;roommate&quot; and &quot;SO&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Roommate is unemployed due to a fault of both of ours, so I am covering rent until the job opportunity we pursued together pulls through for them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Roommate is kind and respective, and I allowed their SO to move in&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;SO started off respectful, but is now rude, demanding, and makes me uncomfortable in my own home&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;SO is also unemployed, and when I gave SO opportunities to work for me in the past, SO never completed their work &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would like to approach roommate and find a way to settle the issue (be it by reinstating rent, asking SO to move out, having SO fix their attitude issues, or another resolution) before I damage our friendship beyond repair&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17081" LastEditorUserId="16959" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T00:11:26.343" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T11:09:22.840" Title="How do I tell my roommate that I feel treated unfairly by their SO?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13514" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13516" CreationDate="2018-04-22T19:06:53.157" Score="11" ViewCount="1363" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm part of a tabletop RPG (roleplaying game) group, and I also happen to be the host, the organizer and the game master (read: the one who runs the game) of our weekly games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I got asked to help organizing some RPG event for a local comics and games fair, and one of the ideas was to bring my local RPG group to the event, running one of my games there so that people can take a look.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, one of my players is so used to utter profanities¹ and to label every enemy female character &quot;the bi#@£&quot; or &quot;the wh&amp;amp;$%&quot; that I can't trust him to behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already contacted the other players in a separate chat, explaining them that I still didn't ask the guy because if nobody could come I didn't want to tell anything to the guy. Let's suppose they can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's the best strategy to politely tell him that it's best if he skips the game, without him holding a grudge?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible that he might not be able to be there because he's busy. Is it more effective to inquire if he's busy first?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it more effective if I tell him in private, or together with the official announce to the rest of the group?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note:&lt;/em&gt; Someone in real life suggested me to let him partecipate, with the caveat that he must stop playing and go home if he misbehaves. I think I might do this, even if it means a chance of moving the resulting drama to the event. Still, I'd like to know what's the better approach before this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1- The Italian language has this special kind of blasphemous profanity that is way harsher (and therefore stigmatised) than your usual profanities.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The local culture is weirdly OK with such blasphemies being used in informal contexts, expecially by people with a low upbringing: cursing this way is considered liberating by many, many old people utter a profanity at the end of every subclause just because, youngsters do it to feel like rebellious grown-ups, raging people shout 'em at the top of their lungs to appear more intimidating, and even milder people sometimes use blasphemy to express sudden pain or high levels of frustration, as an expletive.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Weird, I know, but I wanted to state very clearly that this guy is not some sort of madman because he curses.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;His problem is that he is so engrossed in this culture that he has problems behaving normally.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;He's not alone in the area, but of course this doesn't excuse him from behaving at formal events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2608" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T16:27:53.787" Title="How do I approach telling someone that they are not invited to an event that I am having?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13514" CreationDate="2018-04-22T22:15:41.230" Score="19" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Let him participate, but have a talk with him beforehand.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to have a chat with him about the event. Set up expectations and ask him if he thinks he can reign it in for an afternoon. If he says yes allow him the benefit of the doubt, but also give him a way out if things go south during the event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who sounds a lot like yours; she swears a lot, and in particular she swears a lot &lt;em&gt;at people&lt;/em&gt;, not just as sentence flavor. It's all meant in good fun and our friend group finds it hilarious, but if you're not expecting it she can come off rude and hostile. Meeting up in public can be very awkward because she's also rather loud. (This is making it sound like she's a terrible friend, I swear that isn't the case!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were all pretty uncomfortable with her behavior when we'd meet up for lunch or to go see a movie, so I took the onus on myself to have a conversation with her. Here's what worked for me;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Have a private conversation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is absolutely a conversation you want to have one-on-one, and ideally in person. Over text might make him infer a tone you didn't intend, and singling him out in a group is just going to put him on the defensive needlessly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had her come over for lunch at my house and spoke to her in the privacy of my own home, over food, when we were both relaxed and having a good time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;It is you, but it's also me&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've all heard the &amp;quot;it's not you, it's me&amp;quot;. In this case, I made it clear that I wasn't interested in lying to her; her behavior bothered me and our other friends. However, it wasn't like it was entirely her fault. She wasn't doing anything wrong per-se, it was just behavior that was a bad fit for us when we go out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, it sounds like you don't mind his swearing, it's just inappropriate for the event. Make sure to make that distinction clear so he sees it's not really about him or you so much as it is the event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Set up expectations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's following so far, just ask him if he thinks he can reign in the swearing for an afternoon. Ultimately you're not trying to control his behavior full-time but rather in this single setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he says no, your job's done. You can safely un-invite him from the event knowing that you had a discussion with him about it and he didn't feel like it was going to be a good fit for him. There's no need for secrets or lies and you also don't have to worry about him that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he says yes you've got him on your side for this event. He's agreed to try to curb the behavior and you can invite him knowing he's going to try to behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Set him up for success&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now just because he says he'll try not to swear doesn't mean he's going to manage it 100% of the time. Discuss what an &amp;quot;appropriate&amp;quot; amount of swearing is for the event. Create some kind of subtle signal you can give him if he's getting too excited and forgetting himself that won't be a distraction to other players or draw attention from any crowd looking on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, we set it up for my friend that if she was getting too swear-y and loud whoever was closest would just gently tap her knee under the table. It was subtle but a good reminder that she had promised to rein herself in a little. She actually picked the signal out herself, and it made a huge difference. No one yelled at her for swearing, we didn't feel the need to mock her for slipping up and after just a few outings she barely needed it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is to discuss this &lt;strong&gt;with him&lt;/strong&gt;. If he's interested in playing with you he should also be open to modulating his behavior and be receptive to whatever you set up to remind him when he slips up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also might want to discuss what happens if he slips up too much. He might have to leave mid-session, and that's something you should have planned out and have him agree to ahead of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In conclusion&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him make the decision of whether he can control himself for the game, and help him modulate his swearing if he does decide to participate. You have nothing to gain from omitting the truth or lying to him about the event other than an annoyed friend, whereas he might surprise you and rise to the occasion if you give him the chance to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4407" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-22T22:15:41.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13517" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-22T22:40:03.520" Score="16" ViewCount="3967" Body="&lt;p&gt;I frequently have panic attacks when talking to my friends, do what I perceive as them ganging up on me, in accordance to what they have done in the past, and when they are specifically excluding me from interacting with them due to me accusing them of things which they later did admit to doing.&#xA;These panic attacks usually make me try to apologize to them and surrender whatever point we are talking about, but they usually take this as an insult, so they suggest that I try to hide my panic attacks.&#xA;All of these interactions are online, so I can physically walk away, I just find it hard to tell when an attack is starting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say to hide my panic attacks when they happen and prevent them from noticing, like they asked? Ie, what can I say to recover from saying something panickedly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17060" LastEditorDisplayName="user510" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T11:12:39.930" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T15:00:29.433" Title="How to hide panic attacks?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-23T14:24:55.837" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13517" CreationDate="2018-04-22T22:55:36.027" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm really sorry that you're experiencing anxiety in this way. Panic attacks can be really difficult to cope with and it seems like your 'friends' aren't being very supportive. From all that you've said, I don't think that these people are very good 'friends' because friends don't gang up on you, exclude you or do bad things to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your original question, if you have a panic attack and want to excuse yourself from a social situation, you could say something like, 'I'm not feeling great at the moment, please excuse me,' and you don't need to explain yourself any further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But overall, maybe consider whether these people are the type of people you want to have in your life. Friends are meant to uplift and support you. These people aren't doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16961" LastActivityDate="2018-04-22T22:55:36.027" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13495" CreationDate="2018-04-23T00:51:12.297" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this problem a lot and I have learned that &quot;&lt;em&gt;I prefer Sophie&lt;/em&gt;&quot; makes it sound like a preference, whereas &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I don't like 'Soph', please call me Sophie&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; is more effective, because it blanketly states that Soph is not merely something that I don't prefer, but something that actively I don't like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever someone calls me Soph, I say, &quot;Soph-&lt;em&gt;ie&lt;/em&gt;&quot; to correct them and I know it's a bit awkward and makes me seem pedantic but it at least stops people from saying it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16961" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T07:46:09.887" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T07:46:09.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13494" CreationDate="2018-04-23T01:03:14.657" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;They probably don't realize that you see it as being ganged up on, so clarifying this to them might make them stop. It would be important to phrase it as 'I feel as if I am ganged up on, which may be due to my anxiety' rather than 'you are ganging up on me' because really this is a matter of perception. Next time it happens, try asking the person with the 'complaint' if you can discuss it privately because it makes you anxious when other people start chipping in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to explain that you aren't just asking to never have anyone say anything to you if they have a complaint, just to do so in private, and gently. This way it won't seem like you're trying to avoid accountability, just manage how these 'complaints' are raised. Additionally, explain that this has to do with your anxiety, so that they understand why you become in a panic and can behave appropriately. Explaining where you are coming from and why you are requesting what you are requesting it is the key here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16961" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T01:03:14.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13523" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-23T01:42:53.217" Score="0" ViewCount="1102" Body="&lt;p&gt;I joined some friends one night for a dance social. After the lights came on and the social was closing up, I was put in charge of making sure one of my friends made it home safely since he'd been drinking a bit. While getting him something to eat and verifying he got home, I remembered I forgot to take my drinks back to my car from the social (the social was BYOB). I saw the bag zipped up when the lights came on and the studio was emptying out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I texted the host of the social about my bag and the drinks inside of it, including a list of all the bottles in the bag. My friend also sent a text to the host about the bag and the drinks inside of it. The host responded &quot;I got it&quot; and that I could pick it up the next day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I went to pick up the bag from the host 2 of the bottles were gone. One side of me says someone could've grabbed the bottles after I left, but another side of me suspects the host took them since he never stated there were bottles missing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;how do I avoid being offensive when I ask the host about the two missing bottles?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I want to know if the host did or didn't take my bottles without being abrasive or allowing my preconceptions to interfere. I do not want to accuse the host of stealing it, since he might not have done it, and I also might want to go to this dance social again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17084" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-03-20T19:27:29.957" LastActivityDate="2019-03-21T10:24:02.557" Title="How can I question someone without being offensive?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13495" CreationDate="2018-04-23T07:32:13.423" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would go close to the answer of Galastel, but modify it a little, since as far as I get it you do not want to tell it to new friends, but to people who already called you Tom for a while. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time they use &quot;Tom&quot;, if you think the situation is good, go with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did I ever tell you, that I prefer Thomas over Tom? It just feels more natural to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or deliberatly ignore a sentence where someone uses Tom, and then tell them it was due to you not refering to yourself as Tom in your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I fear that unless you really escalate the issue (which I would not), it will take quite some time and many reminders until people will adapt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4291" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T07:44:33.553" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T07:44:33.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13525" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13517" CreationDate="2018-04-23T08:30:32.240" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just to clarify:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have panic attacks when you think your friends are ganging up on you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is because they have &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; ganged up on you before and admitted it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All these interactions are &lt;em&gt;online&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your attacks make you apologise for something you haven't done&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;They&lt;/em&gt; have told you to hide your panic attacks&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want to try and hide the attacks&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can't tell when you are having an attack until afterwards&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, this isn't an advice page, but I have to say these online associates of yours are terrible, terrible friends. What you describe here just doesn't meet any of the criteria for someone being a &quot;friend&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you say that you cannot tell when you are having a panic attack I don't think there is any way you can hide them. You have no early warning signs. Honestly, if you could read the situation any earlier and tell when a conversation is building up to these people ganging up on you before it actually happens, my advise would &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; be to get yourself out of this toxic, abusive relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am no expert on panic attacks but I know that there is not always a &quot;cure&quot; for social anxieties. Still, if your panic attacks happen with this set of people then your best course of action to avoid the attacks is to get yourself a new set of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T08:30:32.240" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13513" CreationDate="2018-04-23T09:03:44.257" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lazy people often take advantage of the good nature of hard-working people. From the details you give it sounds like you initially had some confidence in your original roommate working and contributing, and that their reason for having no income is not their fault. However the SO seems to be work-shy, and assuming you are right to retain confidence in your roommate, the SO is perhaps taking advantage not only of &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; but also of your roommate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this reason, even though they are a unit, try and view the situation with these two people separately before you try and tackle them together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your anxiety seems to be over your original agreement with the roommate. You &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; make vague promises to them about not having to pay rent. But the current situation is very different from when you said that. There are now two of them, and even if you didn't specify a time limit on this rent-free period, it cannot be expected to go on forever and must be &quot;reasonable&quot;. You would be right to talk to your roommate and agree a reasonable time frame on all of this - a deadline on them gaining work from the &quot;investment&quot; you spoke of, or elsewhere, and beginning to pay rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;don't worry about it&quot; arrangement did not really apply to the SO as they were not around when you first sublet. So you are completely in your right to have a conversation about their contribution to rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest going to the roommate individually to speak about this all, but try to keep the two issues separate. First look to consolidate and update the original agreement between the two of you. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We need to talk about the rent situation. Obviously in the beginning I&#xA;  was okay for you to hold off contributing until work came in, but that&#xA;  hasn't worked out the way we intended so we need to have a revised&#xA;  agreement. It isn't reasonable for me to pay your rent for you, so we need&#xA;  to set an end date for the current arrangement. &lt;strong&gt;[state whatever you&#xA;  think is reasonable]&lt;/strong&gt; I think that is a reasonable time for you to find&#xA;  employment and begin contributing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If roommate tries to turn the subject to the SO getting work, just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We'll discuss them in a moment - this is regarding my original&#xA;  agreement with you before they came here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you reach an agreement that is clear, not vague like it was before. Set amounts for rent, and a definite date that this must begin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then move onto the SO:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regarding [SO] - there is no reason they shouldn't already be paying&#xA;  rent. I expect them to start paying immediately &lt;strong&gt;[or whatever nearer deadline you think is reasonable]&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she tries to invoke the &quot;don't worry about it&quot; agreement, just state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That was an agreement I had with &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; alone, and in very different circumstances. &lt;em&gt;Your&lt;/em&gt; situation has changed, there are two of you and it is unreasonable for neither of you to contribute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding your goal of retaining friendship with your roommate - I often mention the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Karpman Drama Triangle&lt;/a&gt; in my answers as I find it fascinating and helps us get a grip on why situations like this happen. If you get any three people in a drama, two people often form a unit against the third. It does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; mean you are the &quot;bad guy&quot;, even if they project the blame onto you. Love is blind, and your roommate may initially see you as the &quot;persecutor&quot; in this drama. But someone who quits jobs for fun is definitely no &quot;rescuer&quot; - they would be completely incapable of looking after the roommate in any real-world situation. It is only your good nature that has allowed them to survive with the SO being so feckless. Once you force reality upon them, I think the roommate will see the SO for what they really are and it likely will not last.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T09:11:37.050" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T09:11:37.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13528" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13517" CreationDate="2018-04-23T10:37:34.623" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These panic attacks usually make me try to apologize to them and surrender whatever point we are talking about, but they usually take this as an insult, so they suggest that I try to hide my panic attacks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helped me overcome anxiety, was learning the art of doing nothing and the online world is a good context for experimenting with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the mind is overcome with anxiety there is a very good chance that whatever you do is going to have negative effects on your interpersonal relationships. Whether it &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be like that or not, is besides the point, other people don't like it. Let's say you've actually done nothing wrong, but your anxiety tells you that you have, so then you want to apologize, so you do apologize, then people think you're just way too sensitive and you lose some friendship points. I'm speaking from much personal experience...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step is recognizing when your mind is under the influence of anxiety (or anger), and that because of that there's a good possibility that nothing you say or do is going to have a positive effect. That might be the easy part... (there are usually physical signs, tightness in the chest and such)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The hard part is then doing nothing, when your mind is screaming at you to do something. What I found worked for me, was negotiating, I would think to myself &quot;I feel like I should apologize (or accuse someone), &lt;em&gt;but I can tell my mind is under the influence of anxiety right now&lt;/em&gt;, so I will give it a couple of days. If after a couple of days and when I'm clear-minded, it still seems important, then I'll do it&quot;. And my mind would be like &quot;you can't do that you have to act now!!!!!!!&quot;, but I wouldn't budge however much it hurt, and after a couple of days it wouldn't seem important anymore. And that's how I broke the grip of anxiety and learned to stop losing friends and alienating people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might seem strange, but unless you've like killed someone's dog, you don't have to apologize, make excuses or give explanations for your behavior. You really don't. People will tolerate a surprising amount of idiosyncrasies. And if someone does specifically make an issue of it, you can just say you were stressing out or something, life is stressful for lots of reasons, school/work/family/whatever, people get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally the art of doing nothing is &lt;em&gt;exceedingly useful&lt;/em&gt; in the context of online arguments. Nothing good has ever come from people arguing on the internet, so it can be wise to just not participate in arguments - just remind yourself that getting involved is only going to make you upset. And if you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; get involved, always be quick to find something to agree with, because the hardest person to argue with is one who agrees with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2151" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T10:37:34.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13517" CreationDate="2018-04-23T11:12:34.143" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, if what you are experiencing has not been diagnosed as panic attacks by a medical practitioner then I'd suggest your first action should be to consult a medical practitioner. Panic attacks are something you can and should get help with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; a medical practitioner and I am not diagnosing you, however, I am going to post some stuff for you to think about. This is a quote from the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/panic-disorder/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;National Health Service in England&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Everyone experiences feelings of anxiety and panic at certain times. It's a natural response to stressful or dangerous situations.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;But for someone with panic disorder, feelings of anxiety, stress and panic &lt;strong&gt;occur regularly and at any time, often for no apparent&#xA;  reason&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and the symptoms they list for panic attacks are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;a racing heartbeat &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;feeling faint&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;sweating&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;nausea &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;chest pain &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;shortness of breath &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;trembling &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;hot flushes &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;chills &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;shaky limbs &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;a choking sensation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;dizziness&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;numbness or pins and needles&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;dry mouth&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;a need to go to the toilet&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;ringing in your ears&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;a feeling of dread or a fear of dying&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;a churning stomach&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;a tingling sensation in your fingers&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;feeling like you're not connected to your body&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What they don't mention is apologising or surrendering debating points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not belittling your experience in any way and I'm not saying that you &lt;em&gt;aren't&lt;/em&gt; having Panic Attacks. But think about the possibility that you are having a natural, and proportionate, response to a stressful situation, as that situation occurs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is what's happening, then you still have the option to look for ways to disguise your response, but you can also consider  looking for ways to &lt;strong&gt;reduce the stressful situation itself&lt;/strong&gt;. Either by &lt;em&gt;avoiding it&lt;/em&gt; or by trying to change the behaviour of others that that creates your stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two things you have said that this group of friends do is 'gang up on you' and 'exclude you'. In all honesty this does not sound as though they are reacting to you are a part of the friendship group, but rather as an outsider with whom they are in conflict. We, on this site, can't really judge if that is truly the case, because you may be seeing things differently from them, there may be times when you all get on like a house on fire, which you just haven't told us about. But &lt;em&gt;on the basis of what you have shared&lt;/em&gt;, as Astralbee and others have said, these people are not friends of yours. They are not supportive of you and they are not inclusive of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most obvious way to reduce the stress you experience in interacting with this group is, as others have said, to &lt;strong&gt;cease the interaction&lt;/strong&gt;.  That is good advice and the path I would recommend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you have determined that you wish to keep up contact with this group but disguise your reaction to the stressful situation, the advice is very similar. If you cannot over-ride the urge to apologise or give in when this is happening, then all you can do is &lt;em&gt;not engage with them&lt;/em&gt; while they are ganging up on you, and certainly don't try to engage with them while they are excluding you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have said that you cannot always recognise when you are having an attack, so instead focus on  recognising the behaviour of &lt;em&gt;theirs&lt;/em&gt; which triggers &lt;em&gt;yours&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on recognising when they are starting to 'gang up'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is one person disagreeing with you but others agreeing? Probably okay.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Are two or more of them disagreeing with you and the rest neutral or at least &lt;em&gt;not supporting&lt;/em&gt; your view? Time to make your excuses and leave.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have you gone online and tried to make contact and had no response? Do something else, don't try to force people to interact with you or involve you if they don't appear willing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If they are your friends&lt;/em&gt; they might not realise how their behaviour contributes to your reaction, and if they see less of you when they behave that way, they may learn to moderate the behaviour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you really &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; have to ask yourself: if they are trying to exclude you and that causes you to react, and  then they tell you that you need to hide that reaction... are they people who want to be around you, and &lt;em&gt;do you want to be around people who reject and don't value you?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be scary to feel like you are losing friends, but it really isn't true that &lt;em&gt;any friends&lt;/em&gt; are better than none.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Value yourself, get the medical check up, but also recognise that sometimes stress just comes from trying to force things to work that just aren't going to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Be kind to yourself and think about whether these people are capable of being the kind of friends you want and deserve.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to a comment from @PatJ I'm adding this for clarification:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In suggesting you visit a medical practitioner, if you haven't been diagnosed with panic attacks, I am not seeking to pathologise your  experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That symptom list I included can indicate Panic Disorder, which is something you could get help with if you wanted it. But there are also physical disorders with the same symptoms. I know because I have had one. I still have the disorder, but it is symptomless because of treatment and because I’m being treated it doesn't impinge on my life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T14:04:08.807" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T14:04:08.807" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13532" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13494" CreationDate="2018-04-23T12:52:50.003" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;1. Say 'Thank you'&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother used to give me useless advice: &amp;quot;Take care, Dear. Don't have an accident.&amp;quot; That irritated me until I realised she was just being protective. So, I started saying, &amp;quot;Thank you, Mom.&amp;quot; My subconscious heard my mouth say, &amp;quot;Thank you,&amp;quot; and assumed there was something to be thankful for. My mother never changed but I felt better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your friends complain and criticise, you cannot read their minds. You cannot know for sure what they are thinking so, you are allowed to believe whatever you like. Assume they are trying to protect you from making mistakes and say, &amp;quot;Thank you for that.&amp;quot; You will likely feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Buy time&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A guy answered me once with, &amp;quot;Oh, I didn't think of that.&amp;quot; This is brilliant. It takes the pressure off and let's us say, &amp;quot;What an interesting idea. I'd like to think about that.&amp;quot; This affirms the other person and gives us time to think it through. How often do we react with a shocked, &amp;quot;No,&amp;quot; only to reconsider later and realise the idea had merit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;3. Take advice / Focus on the issue&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work once, a stranger said, &amp;quot;You are doing that all wrong. Come round to my place and I will show you how to do it properly.&amp;quot; It felt so rude and arrogant that I called his bluff and visited. To my surprise, his advice was excellent and has earned me money ever since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask 'Why? How?' practical questions that get useful information. When we ask practical questions, it helps us focus on the issue and that makes it easier to forget about ourselves. Then we can begin to relax.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;4. Rehearse&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Change does not come naturally. It will feel like theatre. So, practise your responses in front of your mirror.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17054" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T13:19:54.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1948" CreationDate="2018-04-23T13:26:06.577" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why, most of the time, do we use our right hand ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to scientists, 90%+ of Humans use their right hand as the predominant one. It's because of the &lt;em&gt;lateralization of the brain&lt;/em&gt; and has been like this for thousands of years according to some studies, such as this one: &lt;a href=&quot;https://news.ku.edu/2016/07/21/study-finds-earliest-evidence-fossil-record-right-handedness&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;David Frayer - University of Kansas&lt;/a&gt;) or, more broadly, to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laterality&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Laterality - Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, it is used to perfom most of human activities, from nice ones (so many, you name them), to needed ones so one can live (such as till the land, grow produce, hunt), and, unfortunately, to others like &lt;em&gt;fight each other and kill&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do men shake hands with men ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The right hand being able to threaten and harm, it becomes pretty obvious that, through times and history, men have seen this gesture as a matter of peace: I show you my hand, you can take it, so you'll see I can't use it anymore to harm you. But not only... The &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_brother&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Blood Brother Oath&lt;/a&gt; involves holding one's hand. So, we can understand it as a willing of no harm, a greeting, or a farewell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why hug someone ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hugs-and-kisses&lt;/strong&gt; (xoxo in written) is used for expressing sincerity, faith, love, or good friendship. It originated in the Middle Ages, according to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugs_and_kisses&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia - The christian cross&lt;/a&gt;. At the time, you were not able to meet as much as you wanted someone who lived far away from you, nor hugging/kissing her/him really often. Therefore, the &lt;strong&gt;X&lt;/strong&gt; with a kiss on it at the bottom of a letter was a way to express your feelings. &lt;em&gt;NOTE&lt;/em&gt;: this, as most part of any country was not educated, was used by wealthy people, upper-class persons, who had time/money to learn, and where able to read and write.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth thinking that it &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; have roughly be transposed from writing to a (token ?) gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility is the transfer from parenthood/childhood to, slowly, a wider span of the human spectrum: family -&gt; relatives -&gt; close ones -&gt; friends -&gt; ???&#xA;As a father/mother/elder, in almost any culture, a very young one is hugged whenever s/he is afraid. Hugging make feel the cozy, emotional, human warmth. To both. One can do it to help and give, or in order to feel better themselves: I did something nice reassuring someone who needs support, feels intimidated, or is frightened. &lt;em&gt;When confronted with it, every individual may take it differently, POV are not always shared.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;bear hug&quot;, even if soft and smooth, can be seen as a domination gesture. It's invading one's privacy, because it shows (whether you mean it or not) your strenght, opposed to the other's (supposed) weakness. The same can be feeled when confronted with the &quot;cheeks-kissing&quot; that is common in some countries/cultures. It's not a matter of domination, rather privacy violation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Man to Woman relationship and way of greetings&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About your &lt;em&gt;100 years ago&lt;/em&gt; part: it used to be hand-kissing. In Europe, it shows respect and humility, as the man has to bow to the woman. It was to be done to married or high-ranked women (such as Prime Minister / President / or their wife). It's still used when asking a woman to marry you in some countries/culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to adults, same gesture, different story though...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As usual, when you talk about such a personal matter, culture and background are important &lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;, as also mentioned by Lesley Téllez in her &quot;proper American goodbye&quot; &lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt; or Maralee McKee (&quot;manners for great greetings&quot;) &lt;sup&gt;3&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://verilymag.com/2016/12/greetings-goodbyes-social-etiquette-handshakes-hugs&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Verily&lt;/a&gt;: the University of Oxford study's results indicate that when it comes to interacting with strangers and acquaintances, men feel more comfortable being touched. In general, women don't feel comfortable being touched by strangers and acquaintances — not too surprising. &lt;sup&gt;4&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do men shake hands with each other but hug women?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It's not as if we have centuries of history of men hugging women. It's new.&lt;/em&gt; ( Catija♦ Aug 17)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes&lt;/strong&gt;. Things change. Habits change. And when this happens, rituals are comforting. These rituals modify, adapt or alter themselves along with the society changes, and are kind of &quot;&lt;em&gt;vogue&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://pocketcultures.com/2010/07/14/kiss-hug-or-shake-hands/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Pocket cultures - Kiss, hug or shake hands?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.themijachronicles.com/2010/10/hug-or-handshake-the-proper-american-goodbye/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Hug or handshake? The proper American goodbye&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;3&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mannersmentor.com/social-situations/manners-for-great-greetings&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Maralee McKee - Manners Mentor&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;4&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.pnas.org/content/112/45/13811&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The University of Oxford - Topography of social touching&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T13:32:32.850" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T13:32:32.850" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13535" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13514" CreationDate="2018-04-23T14:38:48.480" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems from your question that you are not at all judgemental of this person. You already have a good understanding of &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; this person behaves as they do (their background, culture etc) and your concern is how &lt;em&gt;others&lt;/em&gt; will view this. This is helpful, because you have already separated the person from their behaviour, and the key to tackling the subject without it being an attack on them &lt;em&gt;as a person&lt;/em&gt; is to isolate and focus what you say on their actions or behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do have some experience with a former colleague who used a lot of profanity which seemed to come from their choice of subculture. I observed that he &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; control it, but only in formal settings. He wasn't at all offended when I asked him not to swear, but because he was relaxed around me he couldn't stick to it; yet in a formal setting such as a job interview he could control it without problem. It may be similar with your friend - he will almost certainly be able to control his speech, it is all down to whether or not he wants to or thinks he has to within this setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go about confronting him this way, it may be that he promises to make the necessary changes in his language. Whether he can or not is anybody's guess - you know him best and have hinted that this is very deeply ingrained. Still, if his language is as bad as you say, until someone tackles this with him and he even &lt;em&gt;tries&lt;/em&gt; to make a change he is seriously limiting his social circle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try saying to him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm concerned because some of the players I want to invite to the game&#xA;  will be offended by profanities, and you do use a lot of profanity in&#xA;  your speech. As Game Master I am responsible for the game and if they&#xA;  are offended then that reflects on me. I don't feel that I can invite&#xA;  you if you do use that kind of language, unless you really think that&#xA;  you can control it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he becomes offended at this he may not even want to come to your game, which answers the question of can he control himself &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; solves your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he protests that he ought to be able to swear as much as he likes, just repeat your stance with this consequence:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It isn't anything personal, it is just that others don't find that&#xA;  kind of language acceptable and I can't have people offended at my&#xA;  games. I'm sorry I can't include you on this occasion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; come to the game on the promise of cleaning up his speech but the profanities come tumbling out anyway, he may well apologise on his own behalf, knowing that he may have caused offence. If this happens you may get a true insight into whether or not the other players &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; offended by his language. It is possible they are more relaxed about it than you imagine!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the bottom line is this: it is a &lt;em&gt;private&lt;/em&gt; function, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are the organiser, everybody is there by &lt;em&gt;invitation&lt;/em&gt; and you are completely in your right to make rules. This doesn't make you judgemental. If you have told him in advance what your expectations are and he does not meet them then you are in your right to either (a) ask him to leave immediately, or (b) just not invite him in future without any further explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T14:52:39.777" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T14:52:39.777" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13536" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-23T17:16:36.813" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Coworkers are other people with whom one performs a job. Coworkers can be located in the same physical place, or they may be located in separate locations and communicate primarily via technology (text chat, email, video conferencing, phone calls, etc...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main power dynamics that might happen with coworkers are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Boss/subordinate &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One person (boss) is in a position of authority over the other. The boss may control whether the subordinate receives rewards such as bonuses, pay raises, or promotions. The boss may also have the ability to fire a subordinate&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Team members&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Team members are coworkers who work closely together, but neither has any explicit authority over the other. There might be some implicit authority if one has been with the company longer or has more experience in the job.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Members of separate teams&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Often times, coworkers on separate teams might have to interact in their job duties. These interactions are less frequent than members of the same team. This is another situation where there is no explicit authority defined between the two.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-24T17:03:58.620" LastActivityDate="2019-05-24T17:03:58.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13537" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-23T17:16:36.813" Score="0" Body="For questions about interacting with one's coworkers, whether local or remote." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T17:16:36.813" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T17:16:36.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13538" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-23T17:24:52.007" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T17:24:52.007" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T17:24:52.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13539" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-23T17:24:52.007" Score="0" Body="Housemates are people that you share a house with, but not a room." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T17:24:52.007" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T17:24:52.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13540" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-23T17:27:04.027" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T17:27:04.027" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T17:27:04.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13541" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-23T17:27:04.027" Score="0" Body="For questions that involve sending text messages or SMS." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T17:27:04.027" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T17:27:04.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13327" CreationDate="2018-04-23T17:57:51.263" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Looking at it from outside as an emotionally detached third party, it is clear to me that (sad but true) the record collection belongs to your friend, since you didn't purchase it from him and he obviously does not remember giving it to you as a gift, and still considers you its caretaker, which is why &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;now he says he wants to come to my house and pack everything up personally and anything else I may have got during the move like wall pictures, art, desk, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that the records belong to him puts you at a distinct disadvantage in this matter, although &lt;strong&gt;your friend was extremely lucky that you could help him retain the collection.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So approach him gracefully says I, not to persuade him to give up ownership of the collection, but to convince him to give you continued access to the records in the same way that you stored them all these years and enabled him to access them whenever he wanted to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are more concerned about permanently saving the &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;musical material&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; in that collection (which is what I would be concerned about, seeing that the discs don't belong to me), especially if you think he is likely to sell the discs without consulting with you in future, then you can consider asking your friend to allow you to record everything or only selected discs, either on vinyl  or as digital files, which is your moral right for having saved his collection when he could have lost it all. This is a compromise solution that your friend might readily agree to, as long as you are willing to not dispute the ownership of the records.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A calm, friendly and neutrally-toned discussion with your friend will help you to understand his views and convey your points without any emotional accusations from either side, so that the two of you can remain friends and work out a mutually satisfactory solution.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="381" LastEditorUserId="381" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T18:03:41.657" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T18:03:41.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13543" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-23T19:12:17.663" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T19:12:17.663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T19:12:17.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13544" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-23T19:12:17.663" Score="0" Body="For questions regarding interactions where one party is a customer, applicable to questions from either the customer or employee perspective." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T19:12:17.663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T19:12:17.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13545" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-23T19:17:02.613" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T19:17:02.613" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T19:17:02.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13546" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-23T19:17:02.613" Score="0" Body="For situations that arise while travelling or planning travel. Please include cultural or location tags when the specific locale is relevant." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-23T19:17:02.613" LastActivityDate="2018-04-23T19:17:02.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13547" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13552" CreationDate="2018-04-23T22:32:23.873" Score="56" ViewCount="12515" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Non-Violent Communication&lt;/a&gt; seems to be a common piece of advice when it comes to conflict resolution. So far as I understand, NVC promotes the use of &quot;I-statements&quot;: saying things like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel X when you Y&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;rather than,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You made me X!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds great in theory: you only talk about things you can know for sure - how you feel - and the other person can't argue because they're &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What if that doesn't work?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean situations like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the other person &quot;sees through&quot; the I-statement and interprets it as the second anyways&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: I felt scared to tell you [serious, personal thing]&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: You think I'm a judgmental person?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the other person says you shouldn't feel that way&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: I feel uncomfortable being around my ex&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: That's ridiculous, you're dating someone else so you shouldn't care&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the other person dismisses your feelings&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: I felt really hurt when you did that&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: Why should everyone cater to your feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Examples are paraphrased from actual conversations where we were attempting to reach an understanding or resolve a conflict - for instance, the second conversation occurred when I tried to decline an invitation to a party. They are meant to illustrate situations where I was attempting to follow principles of NVC, but the other person responded with invalidation or hostility, rather than empathy and collaboration, which is what I was hoping for.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Written out, it seems easy to rebut the statements logically, but keep in mind these are conversations about topics with strong emotions involved. Seeing as though humans are not logical machines, it makes sense that not everyone will respond as you hope to &quot;I feel&quot; statements. I know simply phrasing things a certain way is not a magic bullet, but as I am trying to improve my conflict resolution skills it's helpful to have rules to keep myself in line. My hope is that by forcing myself to stick to these guidelines, I will eventually internalize the philosophy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I would like to know how non-violent communication can be used to defuse such responses. Most posts I see simply advise on the initial phrasing but don't discuss following up to a negative response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the next step in this communication strategy when &quot;I feel&quot; statements fail, if any?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Please note, I am interested in the &quot;theory&quot; of non-violent communication more than solutions to these particular examples, although I can add more context if necessary.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T17:50:52.453" LastActivityDate="2021-03-17T04:27:34.110" Title="In non-violent communication, what to do when &quot;I feel...&quot; statements fail?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;non-violent-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13548" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-24T00:20:02.770" Score="10" ViewCount="1170" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Emotional context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This family member is going through a divorce with their ex dragging this divorce out as painfully long as possible so that by the time the divorce is finished they do not have to pay a penny towards child support. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to attempting this they have also been stealing this family members' belongings. As for circumstances I'd rather not give both the ex's and family member's belongings have been moved to a company with joint ownership between the ex and family member. Police have been contacted but since the &quot;property belongs to both of them&quot; there is nothing the police can do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After having one of their friends kick them out of a flat that was owned by their friend and promised to this family member as a place to stay (rented out to this family member) the family member found a job elsewhere and managed to find love and a partner who loved them. Now recently after I was introduced to this new partner they have quite sadly committed suicide. They are looking to me for some sort of emotional support as they have been through a lot within the past 2 years of their ex tormenting them by thievery and bad luck with their friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I go about bringing around the best possible solution, which is that I stay where I am, giving continual support throughout the day and whenever possible, while also being able to calm this family member down and prevent suicide? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional Information&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This family member has already called me and told me they are&#xA;&quot;extremely sad&quot; and &quot;do not know what to do with their life as it is&quot;&#xA;and &quot;want to quit their current job&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The family member is my mum. I am her son and have a younger brother. The ex is my biological father, the same applies to my brother.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As her ex is not supporting the children she is burdened with this and tasked with finding some sort of accommodation for her children.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Despite having the choice to be able to live with her ex, and although the ex has rooms enough for my brother and I, he often has people to come round and stay in the rooms for my brother and I.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A reason why she doesn't want my brother living with her ex is because he has a loud mouth and lets things slip which will be of benefit to her ex in the divorce settlement or in general. For example my brother may state that she has a job and lives at so and so, which allows the ex to tell their solicitor that my mum is working and that she should receive less in this settlement because of that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Previously it has been said by my brother that her ex hit my brother and hence he does not want to live with the ex (although it may have to be a choice soon if my mum cannot accommodate for us both)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In addition to my brother having been abused by her ex there is no sort of privacy at all in the ex's place. Despite giving us keys to our rooms they have a set of master keys which allow them to enter whenever he likes and they have already intruded when asked not to both by my brother and I using their master key.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She said halfway through that she wanted to commit suicide due to the fact that she was never going to get anyone ever like the partner ever again and life was not worth living thanks to this. Suppose that I suggested she go to the hospital or immediately get some help, then she may have gone through with it before I could call any emergency service to stop herself from going through with it. Instead my plan of attack and action was as the lone answer below had suggested. Which was to talk about the future and steer away from that conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I just got 2 calls today from a good friend she worked under who has taken her under their wing for now. This good friend gave me a call and expressed to me urgently that I should come back because (like my uncle expressed who I will come onto in a second) there's no knowing what she'll do alone. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My uncle gave me a call and too urgently expressed that we, her children and everyone else, are there for her and that her children need her(to try and make her feel more wanted). He expressed also that I need to text her and call her more.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have now considered the option best for me which would be to stay where I am, continue to keep going with the revision lectures and coursework ongoing and call her every so often and keep the texts going however I suspect this is not enough. I have begun to search for some cheaper train tickets to go back and see her in person. However I fear that I will not achieve the target of calming her down and getting her to relax and stabilise enough before I can go back for some final revision sessions with the lecturers I have and still be well prepared for the exams setting me up for hopefully a good placement in the 3rd year of my time at uni. My brother is absolutely a no go as he has his exams to go through. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have just called samaritans and have had a lengthy talk about the current issues at hand. Hopefully I will be able to convince my mum to talk to these people and get her on the road to recovery.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I've received a text from uncle which said that she's living on for her children for now. However she has texted my uncle &quot;I'm just so tired. I don't want to fight their father anymore. I just want peace and quiet. If I'm allowed to die then don't know have to think anymore and there is no pain.&quot;Uncle has suggested that the time is a little to early to get her to call samaritans.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Just called my mum again and she's still very much attached to him after he recently passed away. Tried to keep reassuring her that my uncle, her good friend, my brother and I are always there for her and we're here to support her every step of the way. Told her to give it some time, take things slow and do things 1 at a time and to take a break go to a spar and relax. Despite all this she kept bringing it back to her deceased partner and how much she loved him etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm 19 years old&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I do believe my ex can not stretch this part of the settlement any longer and the next hearing will be around June I believe.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17127" LastEditorUserId="17127" LastEditDate="2018-04-28T02:11:28.810" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T02:11:28.810" Title="How to respond to a family member wanting to commit suicide after their partner has committed suicide?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;suicide&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-24T05:33:17.830" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10168" CreationDate="2018-04-24T01:32:32.853" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may find a key in:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;A long time ago (a few years) I showed him this table that I had found, and talked about making one, possibly using poured resin rather than different layers of glass&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could point out that you were enthused about the idea some years ago and  in your enthusiasm showed a table to him and suggested the resin based concept. You had never followed through at the time BUT his recent comments rekindled YOUR enthusiasm and you had now followed through with your original idea. You were pleased that he had reminded you about how enthusiastic you had been initially. So you are grateful and ... .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Subtly noting that it had been your idea originally and enthusiastically highlighting your gratitude that his comments had reawakened your interest may provide a path of reconciliation. Due care needed of course. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11004" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T01:32:32.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13547" CreationDate="2018-04-24T01:41:49.343" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Using an &lt;em&gt;I statement&lt;/em&gt; is the start to a conversation, it isn't a panacea that will resolve any conversational problem. If people are interpreting your statements as judgmental, dismissing your feelings, or denying the validity of your emotions, your response is going to be rather similar regardless of whether you used an &lt;em&gt;I statement&lt;/em&gt; or not. This isn't to mean that they aren't effective. I strongly advocate their use as one of the most effective tools to aid conversations about difficult topics. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When conversations break down I've found it best to focus on my goals for the conversation and try to not get sidetracked on tangential points that get brought up. If you know that you're going to be having a difficult conversation it helps to prepare by figuring out how you feel, and what you would like to see in advance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When dealing with people who are dismissing your feelings, that's a good sign that they aren't communicating in good faith. It's helpful to give someone the benefit of the doubt the first time they do this. Point out to them that you are talking about your emotions, that they are valid, and not subject to debate. If they continue to dispute them, treat every conversation with them as if it had started with them saying &quot;I don't care about how you feel&quot; and act accordingly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately sometimes you can't reach a productive end to every conversation. You have no way of knowing how someone will respond to a particular conversational technique. What you can do work on techniques which are commonly effective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T01:41:49.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13548" CreationDate="2018-04-24T03:31:38.243" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;After carefully reading about the difficult situation, and seeing your three choices, the most noble is #3, where you give a good response; you will likely be asked for more emotional support but that is a gamble you could take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option #1 is the least favorable because you could not tell yourself &quot;at least I tried&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option #2 is possible but not if you are tactful and look for information on how to answer to this type of situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually when a person is depressed or suicidal, all you can do is be gentle (nor argumentative), try to show that you understand their point of view (even if you don't), and tell them that there will be a way out and things will be OK. Anything with hope and reassurance. Also if you have a religious belief, you can't go wrong having that as support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As good reading, you could try &quot;Stalling for Time&quot; by Gary Noesner, although it's a little heavy but shows good examples of negotiation and dialog in hard situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17133" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T03:31:38.243" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13547" CreationDate="2018-04-24T03:44:20.300" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://uiowa.edu/conflictmanagement/i-statements&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;I statements&lt;/a&gt;&quot; are very useful for addressing conflict in a healthy manner, but in an of themselves often will not resolve the conflict.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of an I statement is to communicate about a problem without implicating any blame or accusations on the other person. One reason this technique is so highly regarded is because it avoids the aggressive/defensive mentality (for both parties) of &lt;a href=&quot;http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm440-540/escalate.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;competitive conflict escalation&lt;/a&gt; while still enabling you to communicate about the conflict which is very important for reaching a resolution. &lt;a href=&quot;https://books.google.com.au/books?id=rw61VDID7U4C&amp;amp;lpg=PP1&amp;amp;pg=PA2#v=onepage&amp;amp;q&amp;amp;f=false&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here&lt;/a&gt; we see an example of a couple whose conflict was ongoing because it felt non-negotiable and they were only able to find a solution through communicating about the problem (this time with the help of a therapist) and an I statement is a way to do this yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;What if that doesn't work?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The frame of this question is slightly off the mark. Even when someone responds negatively, the I statement likely &lt;strong&gt;has&lt;/strong&gt; worked, it enabled you to communicate about the problem in a conflict without implicating blame (the first step towards healthy conflict resolution). A person responding negatively to when you bring up a difficult and emotional conflict is normal and it does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; mean that your entire approach has &quot;failed&quot; or that trying to share your feelings, remain calm and use objective and non accusatory descriptions is any less valuable. Instead, with your goal of understanding conflict resolution in mind, I think that the better frame would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do you continue to try and resolve the conflict?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer to this is far more varied because conflicts are varied. They are complicated and have no one size fits all solution... in general however it will always be helpful to continue to use I statements to communicate your feelings, try and understand and empathise with &lt;em&gt;their feelings&lt;/em&gt;, remain calm and do your best to avoid any competitive conflict escalation. You asked about the theory of non-violent communication, (which is basically just communication) and there is a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of research about this topic in the context of trying to resolve conflicts, to start with I would encourage learning and avoiding negative conflict resolution cycles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit in response to AllTheKingsHorses: That was not the way I intended for my answer to be read. I am saying that the situations OP described were &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; failed attempts at all, OP successfully communicated without violence (that's not saying you can't ever improve). Thinking that NVC failed, or doesn't apply simply because the other person is not all sunshine and rainbows is where the difference lies. As you implied yourself: people, relationships and conflicts are all so varied. What is and isn't a healthy way of dealing with conflicts doesn't suddenly just not apply whenever someone is rude or irrational. This is a conflict we are talking about after all. You are right in the end, OP can't just magic the unwilling people to co-operate. If we wants to try and apply NVC and use healthy ways of dealing with conflicts then that is absolutely wonderful! Don't be discouraged just because it doesn't magically work straight away.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Lastly I just wanted to comment on your first example of an I statement as while it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; fine, there is a small comment that I want to make. When describing the situation in an I statement it is important to remain as neutral and objective as possible. Keeping the focus on yourself and avoiding any accusatory implications. An example of a bad application of this would be to say &quot;I feel upset because you are being an asshole.&quot; as although prefaced around your feelings it still clearly implies blame. Your example of &quot;I felt scared to tell you&quot; is not nearly as bad, but by saying that it was about &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; is not as objective as an ideal I statement would be, and likely the reason it was left open to their interpretation (in which they presumed you meant it in a negative way). The solution to this is to keep it purely objective or double down on the self-focus, eg &lt;em&gt;&quot;I felt scared to say ____&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&quot;I felt scared to tell you ____ because it is something that I am ashamed about&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T10:35:12.887" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T10:35:12.887" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13553" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13554" CreationDate="2018-04-24T06:47:53.480" Score="13" ViewCount="5544" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of months ago I undertook a long term household project to build a large outdoor entertainment area including a deck, pergola and various other niceties. I did not have the all the skills necessary to complete this project all on my own, and had planned to contract out a professional to complete the project tasks that I was unable to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the course of the project I made a friend on an online community that possessed the skills required to finish the project, and very kindly offered to help me complete the project for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About a month or two ago, we were about half way through the project, but he became busy and had to work on other things. I shelved the project for a while, but a few unfortunate circumstances came up in my own life (financial concerns, time, and career-related duties), and it became clear that I was unable to complete the project. My best course of action, for myself, was to stop the project and sell off all the materials etc that I had acquired. This has now been done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this time, I had not spoken to my friend at all, as we were both busy with our lives but recently he has messaged me inquiring about the status of the project and offered to come and help me out again during his spare time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, the project no longer exists, and I have not told him as such yet. I'd like to tell him that I've scrapped the project without offending him or have him thinking that I scrapped it because he stopped helping me or because I thought his work was not high quality (on the contrary), and basically tell him I was unable to continue the project due to my own circumstances. I'd also like to come across as thankful for his help and also offer my own help (as he is working on a similar project).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get all of these thoughts into words?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT based on comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My friend did not help pay for any of the materials.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17135" LastEditorUserId="17135" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T01:50:04.063" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T15:06:09.750" Title="How to advise someone that I've thrown away a project they were helping me with, without offending them?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13553" CreationDate="2018-04-24T07:24:49.843" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe that you missed an important step right here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best course of action, for myself, was to stop the project and sell off all the materials etc that I had acquired. &lt;strong&gt;This has now been done&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best moment to tell your friend was, IMO, &lt;em&gt;just before doing that&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that it's gone, you still have a way out. &lt;strong&gt;I would just tell the truth&lt;/strong&gt;. The parts you'll disclose are up to you (such as &lt;em&gt;financial concerns, time, and career-related duties&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi &amp;quot;Bob&amp;quot;. Thanks for asking, and sorry about the delay and the lack of update. I've been very busy lately, due to [ what you choose to tell Bob and disclose ].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I had to end the project &lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;. I don't think I'll work on it again, anytime, anymore. I really appreciate all the help I received and the good moments we shared.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am unable to continue the project due to my own circumstances. It has nothing to do with you or your work or anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've enjoyed what we did together, and, if you need and want help from me, I'll be &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; glad to help you with your own project, when my schedule will allow it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you really put emphasis on the good parts you shared, and don't put any blame on Bob. And you even offer to help him if you can. In other words (actually, &lt;strong&gt;yours&lt;/strong&gt;, because I mostly just took your true and good arguments from your OP), you just tell him that it's because of you and the circumstances of life. Hey, *** happens :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; suggested in comments by @Lot&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T08:34:04.147" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13555" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13547" CreationDate="2018-04-24T10:01:30.670" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everything I know about NVC comes from the same &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wikipedia entry&lt;/a&gt; you cited, and really the answer to your question is found there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The article says that &quot;nonviolent communication&quot; as a concept is based on the &lt;em&gt;idea&lt;/em&gt; that &quot;all human beings have the capacity for compassion and only resort to violence or behavior that harms themselves and others &lt;em&gt;when they do not recognize more effective strategies&lt;/em&gt; for meeting needs&quot;. So, effective non-violent communication relies on people &lt;em&gt;recognising&lt;/em&gt; that this is the best strategy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really then, you can employ the concept (and may achieve the desired results in some people) but if the person with whom you are trying to communicate is overly defensive because they do not personally know a &quot;better&quot; way, they may still receive it as an offensive statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It isn't really a case of people &quot;seeing through&quot; the statements as you describe, as I don't believe the intention of NVC is to &quot;fool&quot; people into being passive. If &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; believe that it is just a way of misrepresenting criticism of others as an expression of your own personal feelings then really you aren't fully subscribing to the methodology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems redundant giving you suggested wording as to what you might say when NVC &quot;fails&quot; as you ask when NVC itself is an interpersonal approach. But if somebody receives an &quot;I&quot; statement the way you describe in your examples, you could just explain the methodology by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That isn't what I intended to say. I was just trying to let you know&#xA;  how I feel personally, not criticise you / anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully by explaining your intentions you not only qualify your statement, but if you really believe in the NVC model then you are also introducing them to this way of thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really though, no suggested interpersonal approach is &lt;em&gt;guaranteed&lt;/em&gt; to work with everybody. This applies both to NVC and to any answer you may read here on Stack Exchange IPS. You cannot be certain how your carefully crafted statements will be received because the other person's thought process may be completely different to yours. However, I do believe that models like this can be useful because they give us some insight into human thought process and can give us the tools to improve our communication skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-24T10:25:42.010" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T10:25:42.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13558" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13468" CreationDate="2018-04-24T12:00:29.277" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a few different approaches here&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Appropriate jargon&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are the stakes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's poker jargon (well, I guess gambling jargon in general), it gets to the point. You're likely to get a straight forward answer immediately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you've stumbled into a group who look down on players who only play when there's no money involved; you've also avoided drawing their attention to that fact. They can't know if you're asking the exact stakes ($10 or $100?), or if you're asking if &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; money is involved at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that it could be a group that plays for &lt;em&gt;fun&lt;/em&gt;, but still puts up a low amount of money. Me and some friends would put in the price of a beer each. The money is negligible, but it at least gives the players &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; incentive to win. Even though we usually ended up buying a round for the group; the winner still gets to be the one to buy the round.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the sort of game you've found yourself in, then this question will show that. You'll get a response along the lines of &quot;[low amount], but we're really just playing for fun&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;Note: On the rare occasion where someone wouldn't want to put in any money, we let them play along anyway but without the chance of winning anything from the pot. The pot always went to the highest ranking player who put money in.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Fishing for a correction.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of asking it, which can be awkward, assume that it's a cash game and reply as such:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;No thanks, I'm already broke enough.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;No thanks, I'd feel bad taking all of your money.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pick whichever reply you feel more comfortable with. In either case, it's a comically intended quip, not a serious statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you seem to have already decided to not play a cash game; this achieves the best of both worlds. If it's a cash game, you've already said no. If it's not a cash game, someone will correct your assumption, at which point you can change your mind and agree to join the game if you want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be direct.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask them. Your mind seems to be made up, and these are your friends. Odds are that they're either already aware of your opinion on betting money, or won't be shocked to find out your opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T12:00:29.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13560" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13547" CreationDate="2018-04-24T12:55:55.920" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Non violent communication is nice, but seems to work best if both parties are somewhat competent in it. That is, they are willing to listen to what the other has to say and are able to regulate their emotional response to some things that the other has said. In the OP's question it is not clear if the inadequate - or so it is felt by the OP - response to an NVC opening is due to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;incompetence; the other does not know how and has not learnt to communicate back to a remark with obvious emotional weight (sentences beginning with I feel X .. carry emotional weight);&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;focus of attention being elsewhere; it can take several seconds to minutes before a person can shift their focus, in the meantime a response is expected and the responder goes on auto pilot and retorts with an emotional response;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wilful conflict mode; there could be a variety of reasons, such as dominance assertion, prior history, indifference, and so on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next step in non violent communication depends on your evaluation of why the other replied the way they did. It is important that this evaluation is not clouded by your emotional response to what they replied although this is somewhat unavoidable. Tone of voice and non-verbal cues are important here and the same goes for your continuation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a number of alternatives, especially for the first two cases:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Repeat and expand, possibly in other words. This works for the merely incompetent and those whose attention was elsewhere when you have their attention. If the latter you may need to solicit their attention first ('I really need to talk to you/someone, because it is important to me right now'). Example: &quot;I felt scared to tell you because I feel ashamed/guilty about it&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Assert your feelings about the subject matter keeping the goal in mind ('I have a shared history with my ex, not all of it pleasant. That makes me feel uncomfortable when they are around')&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Drop it and come back another time with a better opening ('Perhaps this is not the best time to discuss this'). Or just wait a bit and use the silence to your advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Put your goal of having this conversation on the table but keep in mind that your goal must be realistic and achievable (you cannot change the way that a person behaves with a mere talk). Example: 'I don't want to feel hurt so perhaps we can discuss how we avoid/deal with these situations')&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not refute what the other has just said even though that appeared to you as a refutation of your opening remark. They will refute your refutation and so on and eventually no one will listen to what the other has to say. This requires a certain amount of emotional regulation on your part. Relax, take a deep breath and stick to the facts that you can agree upon. Your personal feelings are facts to you but not necessarily to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, there is two other types of continuation for the wilful conflict mode response (note that this applies only to people who you know are normally willing to listen &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; regulate their emotions). You can use to ones above too but they are unlikely to be effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;avoid or divert; Example: &quot;It doesn't matter. Maybe some other time.&quot;, then walk away. Or &quot;I'll deal with it myself for now, see ya later&quot; then walk away. Keep it nice and be gentle. But be forewarned that there is a limit to what people can take.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;escalate; Example &quot;I sense that I will not be getting the kind of response I need from you at this moment in time.&quot; or &quot;It looks to me that a discussion at this point will get us nowhere.&quot; Of course this entirely depends on what you want to salvage of the relationship because that is now in trouble. And sometimes it is better to say goodbye.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T12:55:55.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13561" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13547" CreationDate="2018-04-24T13:30:47.827" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's more to it than saying &amp;quot;I feel&amp;quot; rather than &amp;quot;you made me feel&amp;quot;.  It has to be sincere or people see right through it.  It's more than just rephrasing, it's &lt;strong&gt;reframing&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I felt scared to tell you [serious, personal thing]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: You think I'm a judgmental person?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The mistake there is you are still putting the onus on B with including &amp;quot;you&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I am not comfortable talking about [serious, personal thing]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;would be a better way of phrasing it.  If you're not sincere about addressing the issue and not the person, the person will see it as (and rightly so) manipulation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sincere and talk about your perspective &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, avoid the word &amp;quot;feel&amp;quot; when you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;instead of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel uncomfortable being around my ex&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;try&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I don't wish to be around my ex&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;instead of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I felt really hurt when you did that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;try&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: That's not an appropriate thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with saying &amp;quot;I feel&amp;quot; is that it can come across as &lt;a href=&quot;https://web.archive.org/web/20190213215944/http://www.nizkor.org/features/fallacies/special-pleading.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;special pleading&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like any other skill, this one takes practice and one cannot simply try it and expect it to work right away&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key component to NVC is taking to onus off of the person you are addressing.  It is more than just expressing your feelings, but also taking away cause for the other person to react.  There is a very subtle difference, but you address the behavior, not the person.  Your feelings may play a part, but the key is not to address your feelings, but the behavior you want to stop or the concept you want to convey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2021-03-17T04:27:34.110" LastActivityDate="2021-03-17T04:27:34.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13562" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-24T14:08:11.893" Score="45" ViewCount="60306" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now and even if everything is perfect with him and I couldn’t be happier, &lt;strong&gt;it is not the same with his family and especially with his mother,&lt;/strong&gt; who does things that are unacceptable to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will enumerate some of the things she does to me, so you can get an idea of what she is like. Please keep in mind that it's just to give you context, &lt;strong&gt;I am not asking for help&lt;/strong&gt; on how to deal with every of these situations: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She usually calls my boyfriend &lt;strong&gt;to tell him how badly his brother behaves&lt;/strong&gt;, e.g. &quot;Your brother did &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She plays the role of the victim, e.g if you don’t answer her because you're busy or whatever, she’d say &lt;strong&gt;you don’t care about her&lt;/strong&gt; or that &lt;strong&gt;you don’t love her enough&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She spends all day screaming&lt;/strong&gt; for things like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am so alone!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No one cares about me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and similar. This makes me think she lacks attention.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If my boyfriend prefers to spend the weekend with me rather than going home, she tells him that she's his mother and that &lt;strong&gt;he seems to love me more&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When my boyfriend comes to visit me, &lt;strong&gt;she calls him every day&lt;/strong&gt;. I could understand that she worries about him, but I think it's a bit too much, for my parents wouldn't be that overprotective towards me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My boyfriend has a dog that scares me sometimes. Last summer, it started barking at me when I entered the house. Whereas my BF's dad suggested to put it in the kitchen until I got relaxed, &lt;strong&gt;his mother wouldn't let that happen and let the dog continue barking at me&lt;/strong&gt; without even holding it, so I just ran and locked myself away until I wasn't scared anymore. I feel like she could have respected my fear and hold him while smelling me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She got angry because the 21st of December I hadn't wished her a Happy Christmas -I was planning to do so on Christmas' Day. Due to her anger, I did it that same day (21st) but via a text message and not a call, she got angry too. Please note in my country (which is also theirs), it’s ok to do these things by sending a WhatsApp. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend's elder brother usually plays bad taste “jokes”. For example, he would drink my milkshake -the one I prepared for myself- and after telling him it was mine and that he had already drank his he would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Who bought the ingredients? My family, so I can drink it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was not true because I did buy them, but what really annoyed me was nor their mother nor my BF didn't say a word and indeed &lt;strong&gt;his mother always laughs at his jokes while it's obvious that those are not funny to me.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;While I was living far away from my boyfriend’s town (+600km), his mother invited me for his birthday and when I asked the day she said “today” &lt;strong&gt;when she perfectly knew I would not be able to come on time&lt;/strong&gt; due to the distance.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;While watching a TV show &lt;strong&gt;she would come and start talking to us&lt;/strong&gt; without caring we were watching something even if we had headphones so we wouldn't hear her screaming. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She checked my underwear&lt;/strong&gt; just to find out if I was using thongs and after she realized I didn't she said: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She is not a &lt;em&gt;dirty&lt;/em&gt; girl&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are only a few of the things she's done to me over the past years. Unfortunately, it has reached a point where I have even thought of breaking up with my boyfriend, for his mother and elder brother do those things to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I've tried so far&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have talked with my boyfriend about these issues many times. He sometimes recognizes that &lt;strong&gt;what his mother is doing to me is not okay&lt;/strong&gt; (especially when I get mad/sad), but he'd soon forget about it and tell me that I'm exaggerating everything, &lt;strong&gt;making me feel like he doesn't support me.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My relationship with his mother right now is nearly nonexistent (it has been almost 2 years since the last time I've seen her); we just talk on WhatsApp on particular dates (e.g. Christmas and birthdays). The problem is that my boyfriend insists that I come to visit his family, even knowing I am not comfortable with the situation. It's been a while since these things have begun bothering me, but I have now decided to give his mother and elder brother a new chance, as I know my boyfriend suffers a lot from the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until now, I have never spoken of this problem with either of them, but since my boyfriend has never supported me in front of his family (he told me he asked them to stop, but they didn't), &lt;strong&gt;I now want to let them know that what they're doing to me is not okay.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I need help is in how to deal with the mother in case she shows some of the behaviors I have already mentioned above and make her stop them, as my boyfriend has already tried with no visible result.  Also, I would like to get a way to make my boyfriend realize that the way his mother is treating me hurts me. I am plenty aware that is his mother and he love her, I don’t have any trouble with that, I also love mine, but I would like him to understand that if things don’t change I am not obliged to bear with his mother as I am in a relationship with him, not with his family. Because sometimes he also makes his mother play the role of victim saying it's me the one who is never going to visit them or because when I do I have a &lt;em&gt;bad&lt;/em&gt; face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Additional information&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Fr1Krazy: His brother -and only brother- is 30 years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Mindwin: We're both Spanish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Graham: We're 24 years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Pharap: His father is at home too, he's ok. He just doesn't take a part in, he doesn't defend me but he doesn't support his wife (my BF's mother) neither.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I deal with his mother if she starts playing the victim role with me again, or if she doesn't treat me with the minimum of respect everyone deserves?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, in other words: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make my boyfriend's mother stop making me uncomfortable without damaging my relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17145" LastEditorUserId="2511" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T11:14:16.677" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T11:14:16.677" Title="How to deal with my boyfriend’s mother without affecting my relationship with him?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13563" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-24T14:28:37.520" Score="71" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not obliged to bear with his mother as I am in a relationship with him, not with his family&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have hit it right there with that one sentence.  You cannot make him choose between his family and you - that won't work out well for you.  YOU, however, can make the choice.  Lay it out in clear terms for your boyfriend: you've had enough and won't associate with his family any more.  He's perfectly free to talk to them, spend time with them, visit them, whatever he wants to do.  You won't say anything or do anything to prevent that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, however, won't.  You don't like how his brother treats you and don't like how his mother treats anyone.  You're uncomfortable there and see no reason to make things worse for yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot change someone else's behavior.  You can influence it to a small degree, but only the person doing the behavior can change it.  So don't spend a lot of frustration on trying.  Rather, change your reaction to it.  He spends time with his family?  Spend that time with your friends.  Mom calls?  Go into a different room and read; let him deal with her.  He wants to visit?  Have a great trip; I'll be here when you return.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Editing in response to OP's comment: your BF really wants you to come to an event that will be uncomfortable for you.  First of all, I'd make sure he knows &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; I don't want to attend and what happens.  Then I'd explain to him what I expect: that I receive his support when things get awkward and that he not make this a case of &quot;me against his family&quot;.  I'd set up a phrase with him that tells him &quot;I expect your support right here, right now&quot;.  If he can't agree to that, then I think you have other problems to deal with.  the big thing for you is: don't fight with his family.  You will be seen as being a pain, and they will tell him that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T22:26:29.570" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T22:26:29.570" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-24T14:58:12.490" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think how this will turn out really comes down to whether your boyfriend shares your opinion - or is even aware of - the issues that you've highlighted here. In other words, if he doesn't see them as unusual or bad behaviour, there's no way he's going to do anything about it. He is the person who has the power to change the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, I don't believe in trying to change people, and here I mean your boyfriend and his mother. The very best you can do is have a heart-to-heart with your boyfriend, explain all the concerns you have, and allow him to decide what to do. You've been together 5 years which is a long time, so I'm sure he wouldn't just walk away from the relationship, but it's possible that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; may have to choose between the relationship staying as it is, or moving on to something else if he won't take action to stop his mother behaving in such ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T14:58:12.490" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-24T15:20:40.530" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;The behaviors you list for his mother sounds like she's a Narcissist.  You should take a look into the Narcissistic Personality Disorder for a better idea of whether this is true or not, but it's highly manipulative and there's nothing you or your boyfriend can do to help/fix her, if that's the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you are technically correct that you're dating him and not his family, family is baggage that comes along with the relationship.  Still, it's fair for you to insist that your boyfriend deal with his own mother, and that he not allow her to treat you poorly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, there are some issues you list that don't quite rise to the level of rudeness you seem to be trying to communicate.  For instance, talking while you're watching TV.  My wife multitasks quite well, so it doesn't bother her to talk through a show on TV.  She tries to remember not to do it while I'm watching, but it's natural for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of your issues seem based on your own maturity, but it does seem like your boyfriend's family relationship is dysfunctional.  I'd suggest sitting him down to have a talk about it.  Write down your feeling and specific issues (much like you've done here).  Organize your thoughts, and try to pick out the issues that really are specifically a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, this might be your own mind trying to tell you it's time to move on and find a boyfriend from a more stable family background.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16044" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T15:20:40.530" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-24T15:54:38.423" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that &lt;strong&gt;your boyfriend's mother might be jealous about your relationship&lt;/strong&gt; with your boyfriend. I don't say you shouldn't consider the possibility of her being a narcissist, as suggested in another answer, but the jealousy theory is worth giving a shot, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been a long time since you've been with your boyfriend. You say that everything is perfect between the two of us, so I guess that you'd like to pursue a relationship with him. Considering this, &lt;strong&gt;I would suggest to be direct and honest with her and ask her about her feelings towards you&lt;/strong&gt;, because to me, she acts like somebody who's jealous or feeling threatened. I know it's hard to adopt such an approach, but given the matters, it'd be great if you two could improve your relationship if you spend the next years/decades/centuries with your boyfriend. &lt;strong&gt;She might tell you she doesn't like you.&lt;/strong&gt; In this case, there's not much to do despite &lt;strong&gt;remaining polite and nice&lt;/strong&gt;, but unfortunately, not everyone has a loving family-in-law. But it's essential to remain polite with your BF's relatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this approach isn't what would best suit you, I would suggest &lt;strong&gt;you wait for the next time she does something that makes you uncomfortable&lt;/strong&gt;. Right after that, breathe in (rather discreetly, she shall not think that she bothers you), adopt a calm tone, and &lt;strong&gt;express your problem according to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the nonviolent communication&lt;/a&gt; theory&lt;/strong&gt;. Taking an example of situation from your question (watching series/movies and her coming and talk to you both), it could look like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Amanda, I feel uncomfortable when you come into the room and talk while we're watching movies with Bryan. This annoys me because this isn't a great time for a conversation since we cannot provide the best possible conditions for talking together. Would you mind that we come back to you right after the movie is over?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer: this is not supposed to be a friendly approach.&lt;/strong&gt; Nonviolent communication aims at expressing your concern in the gentlest and most polite way, in order to get what you want (when possible. If not, it'd open the disccussion to find a compromise that would suit best both parts). By saying this, you tell your BF's mother that her current behavior is not appropriate for the situation, but that you're still open to hear what she has to tell you. This maintains politeness and kindness towards her, and let room to find a compromise, e.g. if she absolutely needs to talk to you right now, then &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ok, just let us pause the movie, and we're all ears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This reminds her she's interrupting you and might discourage her to bother you for &quot;non-major&quot; things during your time with your BF next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You might need to repeat this approach several times&lt;/strong&gt;, until she understands she interferes in your relationship. Be patient, remain calm and polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've got all my support, and I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T15:54:38.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13553" CreationDate="2018-04-24T15:57:35.647" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your mindset should be such that you put the worry away first, before formulating anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did what you did. Your route of action seemed to be the best at that point in time, and you acted as you saw fit. The fact that your friend (!) helped you (and the fact that you &lt;em&gt;found&lt;/em&gt; a friend through this shared activity) is much more important than the scraps of wood you got rid of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, freely and openly tell him that you scrapped it. Avoid any justifications, apologies or whatnot. Take good care so that none of your answer sounds in any form or fashion like it was his fault (something he did or did not do). Then you'll be good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO it is a sign of strength to be able to find a &quot;cutoff&quot; point for projects like this. I'd wish I'd be more able to do such things, I have so many half-finished small projects in my basement that I just don't find the time to abort gracefully. I am very sure that your friend will understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for reference, things like this happen all the time; a similar case is when you get some present (like that unwieldy fake Ming Vase etc.) that just does not fit into your life. It's no use thinking long about what they could think about the fact you got rid of the vase (or the pergola...). It is done, they will find out the next time they visit you either way, so just tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T15:06:09.750" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T15:06:09.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13569" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-04-24T16:15:38.700" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-24T16:15:38.700" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T16:15:38.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13570" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-04-24T16:15:38.700" Score="0" Body="Nonviolent communication (NVC), or Compassionate Communication, is an approach to communication which is centered around compassion and collaboration. It was originally developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-24T16:15:38.700" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T16:15:38.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-24T16:16:21.860" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been reading &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9944755-respect-me-rules&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Respect-Me Rules&lt;/em&gt; by Shelly Marshall, Michael J. Marshall&lt;/a&gt; (and I highly recommend it). I think some of the tools the book describes for abusive situations can be applied here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you have admitted that these actions on her part and her treatment of your are not appropriate. So you need to communicate that clearly to all of them. Respecting yourself means that if others do not treat you right, you call them out on it. So if your boyfriend is not fully aware, you need to make sure he understands how you feel. If his mother or brother treat you that way again, you need to tell them &lt;em&gt;when it happens&lt;/em&gt; that it will not be tolerated, then respond with a consequence, such as going for a walk for an hour. You should let your boyfriend know ahead of time that you expect respect, and if they don't, then he needs to stand up for you. If he's not willing to defend you when you call out their bad behavior, you need to make your feelings clear and make a decision about staying in or leaving the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She plays the role of the victim, e.g if you don’t answer her because you're busy or whatever, she’d say you don’t care about her or that you don’t love her enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to be clear that the above description is something intended to manipulate your emotions, allowing her to continue her bad behavior. When you start to enforce your boundaries and respect yourself, they will respond with their usual behavior. You have to be steadfast in holding to your expectations, because if you give in to their abusive demands, it shows them that they can successfully manipulate you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, &lt;strong&gt;you state that you are in a relationship with your boyfriend and not his family. That is not entirely true.&lt;/strong&gt; A dating relationship is generally for the purpose of finding someone to marry, or at least to go through life with. He is in a relationship with his family, and those relationships are something that matter to him and affect his life. If you continue to endure negative relationships with his family, you will either negatively affect your relationship with him, or his relationship with his family, or both. If marriage is the goal of the relationship, then that would be the joining of two families. His family will become yours, and the relationships will be important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the relationship between you and his family cannot be resolved to where they treat you with basic respect, especially if he will not stand up for you, then you should not continue in the relationship. Like it or not, but when you are in a serious relationship or marriage, their family dynamics are something you will have to live with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10004" LastEditorUserId="10004" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T16:51:41.550" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T16:51:41.550" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13514" CreationDate="2018-04-24T16:27:53.787" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I approach telling someone that they are not invited to an&#xA;  event that I am having?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you are displacing the problem and avoiding talking about upsetting people who wish to participate in your RPG.&#xA;A simple solution is to publish some ground rules on acceptable interaction and language, pointing out cultural differences between players need to be taken into account and violation of the code of conduct means exculsion from some group activities.&#xA;This avoids things becoming personal, and is reasonable.&#xA;My kids in there teenage years used to swear at their friends on facebook and chats, to a degree that could really upset others.  Our solution was to talk about it, and point out in face to face interactions this kind of language would just not be acceptable.  Put simply when typing into a screen the normal filters got switched off.  Thankfully they have now calmed down, and brought things back to a reasonable level.&#xA;Put simply if you do not provide feedback, how are the individuals going to know the impact they are having on others, and will just continue, and wonder why they are getting excluded, which is not good for any parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking through issues pointing out the impact effect, avoids blaming someone, and asking them to consider how they would feel if they were described in these terms.  This technique has been used in lots of social situations, where the person doing something is cut off from the impact of their actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T16:27:53.787" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13573" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13547" CreationDate="2018-04-24T16:42:56.667" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In non-violent communication, what to do when “I feel…” statements&#xA;  fail?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds all nice and rosy.  There are too many situations where the&#xA;other party does not care or even enjoys creating the emotions one is &#xA;feeling.&#xA;So before you start to address how one is feeling you have to establish&#xA;the value of the communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put simply, until the emotions are objectified, and put in a place where&#xA;they can be talked about, one runs the risk of just reigniting the whole&#xA;cycle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Establishing perspectives.  The other party have to be capable of seeing&#xA;things from another's perspective.  If the other party is super-defensive&#xA;and wants to justify their feelings without changing or giving ground, there&#xA;is nothing that can be gained.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most social or work situations, referring these situations to others &#xA;works, because often there is a personality disorder at work, and one needs&#xA;a defensive approach to limit the social impact of such behaviour to one's&#xA;own life.  I have had this happen a number of times, where the other party&#xA;decided to exploit a situation in a way they perceived as to their benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some battles in this situation it is not worth pursuing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T15:52:51.613" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T15:52:51.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13574" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13547" CreationDate="2018-04-24T18:49:29.853" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To expand on the other answers to this question, one thing that really works with uncooperative conversation partners is to address the issue that's keeping you from communicating effectively directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when you sense that there is something the other person is uncomfortable with, but they don't share it, bring it up directly. If a person seems upset with you and you think that's the reason they're not being cooperative, address that. Hidden emotions are very often the cause of failing conversation. Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &quot;You seem upset with me. Is something bothering you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other person (ideally): &quot;Well actually.. I have x issue because you did y&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And from there you can address that problem, solve the tension and now the other person should have an easier time engaging with what you originally wanted to discuss. (source: &quot;Never Split the Difference&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another similar and very effective option for conversations that are spiraling away from being productive is addressing the situation or what you think is causing the conversation to become unproductive. So if somebody is completely dismissive of your feelings, address that directly. &quot;I feel like you're being dismissive of my feelings and that makes it hard for me to be open and solve our issue.&quot; (source: &quot;Difficult Conversations&quot;, if I remember correctly)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very confrontational approach and I would generally recommend you only do that in situations like the ones you described in your question - when the conversation is being shut down hard by your conversation partner. It won't magically turn a bad conversation into a good one, but it's a good tool to get un-stuck and move forward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17152" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T18:49:29.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13547" CreationDate="2018-04-24T19:13:45.813" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I found NVC most useful when both are actively using it (and therefore understand the phrasing of each other better).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your examples I get the impression that this is not the case for you. If you can change that, do so, its the most promising way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often its impossible, so I will focus on the situation where you are talking to someone who does not want to use NVC.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found it most useful to add a request right into my phrasing of emotion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel scared to tell you X, as its very personal to me. Please take yourself some time for this conversation as it will be difficult for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way the other person has it easier to see that you don't think they are judgemental but instead focus more on what they actually can do right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you rephrase &quot;I think you are judgemental&quot; it will always sound that way, there is no helping it. Instead find an expression that's true to what you think and feel. e.G. &quot;I'm afraid to talk about X as I have been hurt in the past when I talked about this topic.&quot; If you want to reference past behavior (which can sometimes be a good idea in such situations) try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I talked to you about X you said I were just weak and should buckle up. That stung pretty hard and since then I'm afraid to talk to you about X. Please do try to accept my feelings as they are and support me growing through the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, its a matter of practice. I tend to sit down and write NVC sentences as a kind of translation of conversations that I had, so that I can understand the person better. So when someone says &quot;You think I'm a judgemental person?&quot; That becomes: &quot;I've been misjudged in my past too often and am afraid that you, too, got a wrong picture of me. Please do reassure my what you think of me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11929" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T19:13:45.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13495" CreationDate="2018-04-24T20:56:49.947" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just say it like it is, but in a cheerful manner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is Thomas, actually. Tom is someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No preference, no I don't like. No apology either, because they're not doing you a favor by calling you by your true name, the name you identify with. Keep it lighthearted and there should be no discomfort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, for some unfathomable reason, and after some repeated corrections from you, they persist, start calling them 'Bob':&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob? It is Thomas. Tom is someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But my name isn't Bob!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right you are Bob, my name isn't Tom either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Substitute Bob for some other short and snappy name when they actually go by the name of Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T20:56:49.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13547" CreationDate="2018-04-24T21:11:20.780" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the next step for this communication strategy when &quot;I feel&quot; statements fail, if any?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, let me suggest to rephrase &quot;fail&quot; - I'd rather evaluate it as not getting the response you desired... yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: I feel uncomfortable being around my ex&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: That's ridiculous, you're dating someone else so you shouldn't care&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You continue from there, NVC-style: observation - feeling - need - request:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I hear you saying &quot;ridiculous&quot;, I feel sad/ashamed/..., because I long for your understanding and support and hoped you would be able to help me cope in case I'd go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice those &quot;I-statements&quot; all the way. They tend to mark a statement as subjective and open up space for more than one point of view. They are used to free your communication from violence (like moral judgements, manipulation by threatening punishment for non-compliance etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I appreciate about NVC is its combination of... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;laying out your internal responses to a given stimulus  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;assert what you want from the other person in clear and direct manner - as a request.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: I felt really hurt when you did that&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: Why should everyone cater to your feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The examples you quote seem training material for NVC master class, because B's statements - in my understanding - invalidate not only A's statements, but A as a person, which would cause me, if I was in A's shoes, pain, rage and the desire to pay back in the same currency - which of course is VC instead of NVC then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume that a NVC-practitioner would train self-empathy and empathy for the interlocutor and rephrase his statement as a question in NVC:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you say this because you feel angry because you wish someone would care about your feelings and your needs? That I ask you to give something that you don't have, but would like to receive it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This follows a strategy of &quot;first seek to understand, then to be understood&quot;.&#xA;I imagine an interesting exchange could emerge from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2018-04-24T21:11:20.780" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13580" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13587" CreationDate="2018-04-25T03:15:23.620" Score="25" ViewCount="13498" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am happily married man and have no interest in engaging in a relationship outside of it. I have heard that wearing a wedding ring alerts women to the fact that I'm married and not looking for outside interactions, while not wearing a wedding ring tells women I am available. Meaning, they may think I'm not married and looking for a relationship, or think that I'm interested in a relationship &lt;em&gt;despite&lt;/em&gt; my marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure this is cultural--I'm looking for answers relating to the United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there any ways to avoid unwanted approaches short of wearing a ring, such as mentioning that I'm married every once in a while, etc.?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17164" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T12:49:27.063" LastActivityDate="2019-01-17T18:25:00.167" Title="Are there any ways to avoid unwanted approaches when not wearing a wedding ring?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-25T03:37:00.153" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a lot to work with in this post, and there are many insightful answers. I would like to elaborate on Will Appleby's answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I see it, there are two problem individuals in this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The mother&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is quite obvious. I believe this issue can be dealt with using a two step process (applies to brother too).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First&lt;/strong&gt;: when she mistreats you next, calmly and clearly state that those actions were not acceptable and walk away. It is important that you do &lt;em&gt;only this&lt;/em&gt;. Do not explain why they are not acceptable: she is an adult and she knows what she is doing. Do not engage her afterwards unless you wish to accept her apology (if one is offered). This is all you can do to attempt to change her behavior towards you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second&lt;/strong&gt;: if completion of the first step has no effect on how the mother treats you, it is clear that she doesn't care about you or how you feel (I think you already know this though). As such, the only way to get her to stop treating you poorly is to not give her the opportunity by &lt;em&gt;limiting contact&lt;/em&gt; with her. The first stage of limiting contact is reducing the verbal/text/social media interactions you have: basically, ignore her. The second step is to remove yourself from her physical presence: don't be where she is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, you may be thinking, &amp;quot;if I cut my boyfriend's mother out of my life, it will cause problems in my relationship.&amp;quot; You are correct, which leads us to the second problem individual in the equation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The boyfriend&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This point is a little more subtle. You state that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to get a way to make my boyfriend realize that the way his mother is treating me hurts me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; told him, then he does &lt;em&gt;realize&lt;/em&gt;, he's just choosing to ignore your concerns. You must clearly tell him that you are no longer going to expose yourself to his mother's poor behavior towards you. Explain to him that you have already told his mother that you don't like the way she treats you. I would also provide the reasons you listed in your post where the mother's behavior is directed strictly &lt;em&gt;at&lt;/em&gt; you, like when she looked through your underwear. It is imperative that you speak all of this without being interrupted, and that you do not argue with him after the fact. You are stating your truth simply so he knows it, not so he can try to change your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my mind, and ideal compromise is something like: you only visit his home after he explicitly explains to his mother how she is hurting you, how it is unacceptable &lt;em&gt;to him&lt;/em&gt;, and asks her to apologize.  If such a course of action is not acceptable to your boyfriend, it is clear to me that he'd rather let you be hurt by his mother than strain his relationship with his mother by chastising her. I would recommend finding a boyfriend who actually respects your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17163" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T03:37:00.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13582" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-25T03:47:49.453" Score="56" ViewCount="17647" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently saw a doctor about a minor medical problem. This is the first time I saw this doctor . After the appointment I asked my doctor a follow-up question via my insurance company's website. I got a call back from the doctor but during the entire call I was distracted because all of the doctor's remarks sounded so dull and artificial. Also, he didn't seem to remember anything about me and just kept telling me to make a follow-up appointment with my doctor. I thought to myself that I might have been talking to an AI. That didn't seem too far-fetched to me with the recent advances in AI and doctors' busy schedules. During the entire call I was trying to determine if he was real and almost blurted out &quot;are you a real person??&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In hindsight, I think I was talking to a real person and he just has to deal with so many patients that he starts to talk like that. But I have started getting automated telemarketing calls that try to trick me into thinking a real person is talking to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a polite way to ask if someone is a real person? Or if there is a way to determine if I'm talking to a real person (sort of a reverse Turing test).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1858" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-04-29T15:40:41.093" LastActivityDate="2020-11-15T14:14:41.430" Title="How can I ask (or determine) if someone on the phone is human without offending them?" Tags="&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13580" CreationDate="2018-04-25T03:47:53.707" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest rebuffing unwanted responses in the same manner as you would when in a relationship and not married, or even as you would when single. Mention your SO, relationship, or simply state something along the lines of &amp;quot;I'm not looking for romantic interaction&amp;quot; if the topic comes up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wearing a ring is not guaranteed to stop unwanted advances. Not wearing a ring does not invite advances. The only way someone would reasonably think that you're interested is if you indicate as much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;From Initial Post:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot imagine a situation where a woman sees a ringless hand and thinks &amp;quot;oh, that man is looking for a relationship!&amp;quot; Your behavior in an interaction with said woman would have to &lt;em&gt;indicate&lt;/em&gt; that you were looking for a relationship. If you're not particularly flirty, I believe you can avoid that issue entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe your concern with women interested in married men is more realistic, but only slightly so (as I imagine those interested purely in being mistresses are quite few in number, and otherwise a woman not so inclined would have to find you insanely attractive to throw away some moral fiber). This problem can be dealt with by explicitly stating your marital status and your interest in maintaining the status quo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17163" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T22:35:40.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13584" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-25T04:03:25.990" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best strategy I can think of is to ask &quot;can you repeat that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the repeated statement is exactly the same (volume, word choice, inflection, etc.) as the first statement, you may have caught the AI.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure with some thinking you (and others) can come up with more little tricks like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17163" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T04:03:25.990" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13580" CreationDate="2018-04-25T07:44:22.927" Score="87" Body="&lt;p&gt;Neither my husband nor myself wear a wedding ring, purely out of preference. We both strongly dislike wearing jewelry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing magical about a wedding ring. It can be taken off. Some people will completely disregard the presence of a ring in the first place and still show interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a matter of &lt;em&gt;attitude&lt;/em&gt;. Ring or no ring, I'm married and loyal to my partner and that means that my approach toward men is not the same as if I were single. I have boundaries that indicate as much. I don't entertain flirting, I don't lead people on, I turn people down if they express interest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband is so integrated into my life that pretty much all of our acquaintance knows we are married and if I meet someone new, it naturally makes its way into the conversation. I don't need to force it. If I do notice someone is interested, I am a bit more careful to refer to my husband in conversation and sometimes just state &quot;Sorry, I'm not interested. I'm married&quot; if they ask me out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wearing a ring is no guarantee that people won't be interested in you or flirt with you. What indicates to them that you are not available is your attitude toward them and your response to their interest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T09:48:46.687" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T09:48:46.687" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-25T07:52:05.497" Score="71" Body="&lt;p&gt;I once worked at an IT-Service hotline. I answered a call like I always do and after my standard greetings phrase the customer said nothing so I asked,  &quot;Hello? Are you still in the line?&quot; The customer replied, &quot;Oh, wow! You are a real human! I thought it was a band announcement!&quot; Later he explained that my voice was so perfect that he thought it was a remastered recording and that I could easily work as a radio moderator. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh wow your voice sounds so perfect/good/nice/great. You could work as a radio presenter/moderator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this you make him a compliment and don't offend him.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for clarification of the meaning:  &lt;strong&gt;I didn't mean this compliment sarcastically.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The whole sarcasm thing just came up because I &lt;strong&gt;additionally&lt;/strong&gt; mentioned that AIs in general are not so good in detecting sarcasm. Then a user asked in a comment for sources to that claim. That's why I added the sources about AIs and sarcasm.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An AI probably can't answer that (in general). AIs in general are still pretty dumb and struggle when it comes to detecting irony. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Sources and additional information about AIs and sarcasm&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://arxiv.org/pdf/1602.03426v1.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Automatic Sarcasm Detection: A Survey&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Coverage  of  different  forms  of  sarcasm:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  In Section 2, we described four species of sarcasm:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  propositional,  lexical,  like-prefixed  and  illocutionary  sarcasm. We  observe  that  current  approaches are limited in handling the last two forms&#xA;  of sarcasm: like-prefixed and illocutionary. Future work may focus on these forms of sarcasm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;please note that this academic paper is about text recognizing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;written by Aditya Joshi (IITB-Monash Research Academy, India; IIT Bombay, India; Monash University, Australia), Pushpak Bhattacharyya (IIT Bombay, India), Mark James Carman (Monash University, Australia) 10 Feb 2016&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://qz.com/801813/teaching-ai-how-to-be-sarcastic-is-totally-the-easiest-thing-ever/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;#NOT Teaching AI how to be sarcastic is totally the easiest thing ever&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So why is detecting and interpreting sarcasm such a hard task for AI?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Firstly, because it’s often difficult even for humans to comprehend.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  …&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  For example, a machine may not be able to tell whether a smiley face is being used to indicate happiness, humor, or a sarcastic comment. Secondly, there’s the matter of conversational and situational context.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  …&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Thirdly, world knowledge is often needed to understand sarcastic comments.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  …  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;written by Dr. Diana Maynard (Research fellow at the University of Sheffield) October 06, 2016 &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17142" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T17:04:11.787" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T17:04:11.787" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-25T07:56:04.413" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask them something that only a medical doctor could know. For example, pretend to forget the name of a pill your doctor prescribed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, yes I did fetch my prescription for... what was it again?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Did you say I should rest for two days? or was it three?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even just asking why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What's the follow up appointment for, again?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if he doesn't remember, an AI won't be able to parse these questions and can't deviate from a set response. A real doctor may answer, or say they don't know or can't remember. Any question that requires them to have medical expertise will do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T07:56:04.413" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13580" CreationDate="2018-04-25T07:57:47.107" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;To expand on answers already given, you could also mention their wife in conversation more if the other party is not understanding your lack of interest, such as &quot;Oh my wife also likes x&quot; or &quot;My wife and I did this recently&quot;. This way you're showing the interested party that your wife is on your mind, and you're constantly reminding them that you're also married without saying &quot;I'm married&quot; every 5 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16638" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T07:57:47.107" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-25T08:32:33.440" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I ask (or determine) if someone on the phone is real without&#xA;  offending them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Programmed systems have a limited series of responses.&#xA;Mentioning something from the news that struck you or sport, and&#xA;listen to the response.&#xA;The problem with limited conversations, is there is little reason&#xA;to distract into other subjects and AI or not, both could achieve&#xA;what one requires.&#xA;Did you see .... it was fantastic?  Emotional reflection is hard to&#xA;fake or humour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T08:32:33.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13495" CreationDate="2018-04-25T09:16:45.307" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have personal experience of this, and although I like the answers so far and they all meet the &quot;gentle&quot; approach you asked for, you may still find that people persist in calling you &quot;Tom&quot; even after you express that you do not like it. Using shortened names becomes a deeply ingrained habit for many.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Incredibly though, I have found some people actually think that insisting on your correct name is petty! Seriously, this is my lifelong experience with my own name. I am called Daryl, which isn't a very common name in the UK; however the similarly sounding name &quot;Darren&quot; was popular among the same generation as me, and lots of people mistakenly call me this. I correct them &lt;em&gt;every single time&lt;/em&gt; and while I do get &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; apologies I have also received these reactions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Its practically the same&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Is that really worth making a fuss about?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I'm only out by one letter&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So while I completely agree with the already suggested &quot;&lt;em&gt;I prefer Thomas&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, I really think you are going to need a backup plan for those that don't take you seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You goal is to be &quot;gentle&quot; so you need to avoid any aggressive or sarcastic tones. I'll be honest and say that my own personal method for dealing with this &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; come over a little passive-aggressive if executed badly. You must be completely sincere about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will usually correct people on my name &lt;strong&gt;once&lt;/strong&gt;, to give them the benefit of the doubt. When I do, I just politely use the &quot;&lt;em&gt;I prefer....&lt;/em&gt;&quot; method. Beyond that, I will not acknowledge anybody incorrectly addressing me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone approaches me &lt;strong&gt;in person&lt;/strong&gt; using the wrong name, I ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, who are you looking for?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone &lt;strong&gt;telephones&lt;/strong&gt; my personal number asking for me by the wrong name I say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry there is nobody here by that name&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if somebody &lt;strong&gt;emails&lt;/strong&gt; me, addressing me incorrectly (although they always manage to get my email address correct), I ignore the email. Later when they contact me asking why I haven't responded, I say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I didn't see an email addressed to me - I thought you'd just blind copied me in by mistake&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like I said - if executed aggressively this can come across wrong (I've made the mistake myself) but I like to think I have perfected it and it sends the strong message that unless they use your correct name you will not interact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T09:16:45.307" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-25T10:09:59.817" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a polite way to ask if someone is a real person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, you can ask something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This may sound a bit strange, but may I know whether I am talking to a real person or not? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, if this is a real person, they won't mind replying. Though, you shouldn't really rely on this approach, because they can also be scripted to tell lies or auto-tuned to give the best response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, try something suggested in the next paragraph.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or if there is a way to determine if I'm talking to a real person (sort of a reverse turing test).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides the suggestions made by other users, you can also try to ask something out of medical field. Generally, AIs work through some conditions and try to find the answers written in the script, but they will not be able to answer the questions which are not written in there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I liked the [any game] from [yesterday or a particular day]. I am excited that my favorite team won. Which team is your favorite?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can vary the question for asking their favorite car, or sports etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T13:12:07.733" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T13:12:07.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-25T10:28:09.673" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, AI telephone systems aren't very good at math. In order to make my human check quick, easy and foolproof for both myself and the possible human I'm talking to, I just ask, &quot;What's 32+2?&quot;. If it's AI, I get an answer something like, &quot;I'm sorry. I don't have an answer to that question. Please hold the line.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I can just disconnect. In order for AI to be programmed with the correct answer to every simple math problem, it would seem we would need technology not currently developed. But I can't say for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found that the answers to many predictable questions and comments are programmed into the AI, so I ask a question no one would normally ask. I got the idea from bot checkers online. It doesn't seem to offend anyone, so I continue to use the method. Usually people just laugh. If I hear the correct answer, I just say, &quot;Thanks&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my my experience, in the United States doctors are rarely available by phone. I've received perhaps 2 phone calls from doctors in my life, besides doctors who are friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I want to speak to someone on the phone, there is usually a nurse on duty to field my call and determine whether or not I need to see the doctor, or if she can recommend something I can do myself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the couple of times I did speak to a doctor on the phone, I'm sure it was a real person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize google.com and search engine optimized AI systems can answer math questions, but telephone AI systems are much less powerful.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T16:43:21.633" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T16:43:21.633" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13580" CreationDate="2018-04-25T10:57:35.293" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The quick answer is, there is no easy way other than a ring to signal you are married, before you receive unwanted attention. That's just how it's done in the USA. When I did building construction I wasn't permitted to wear rings on the job site. During the day, when I went out to lunch, or if I forgot to put my ring back on, the flirting from women was merciless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was wearing my ring, I received virtually no attention from other women. In my conversations with women, they find it quite frustrating that men will remove their wedding rings when they're looking for something on the side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, even a tan-line that shows where a ring is usually worn--and I've heard this in conversation--is ample indication for women to just stay away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience the wedding ring works so well to deter other women that right after I got married I had to get used to the change. I thought there was something wrong with me. But I quickly realized it was just the ring. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not to say there aren't other things that are tells that a man is married, especially to people in his social circle. The habits a man keeps usually demonstrate more than anything the devotion of a family man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T02:06:38.120" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T02:06:38.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13580" CreationDate="2018-04-25T11:00:31.673" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot; I have heard that wearing a wedding ring alerts women to the fact&#xA;  that I'm married and not looking for outside interactions, while not&#xA;  wearing a wedding ring tells women I am available.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, some people think the opposite! A former work colleague who had been married less than a year once pointed to their wedding ring and boasted to me that the ring actually attracted &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; advances from women (I decided to spare you the expression he used because it was quite offensive). But I do believe there is probably some truth in this - some &lt;em&gt;people&lt;/em&gt; (because I'm sure that this could apply either way and to either gender) may actually see chatting up a married person as a &lt;em&gt;challenge&lt;/em&gt;. I have also heard it said that some single people seeking stability in their own lives actually pursue married people because they imagine that person is more likely to be committed. In cases like this &lt;em&gt;a wedding ring could actually be a visible sign that you've got what they are looking for&lt;/em&gt;! Of course, this seems faulty reasoning to me - anybody willing to leave their partner for someone else is the exact opposite of &quot;committed&quot;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without moralising or getting into psychology, I think it is fair to say that people who seek extramarital affairs, and those who carefully safeguard against affairs think quite differently from one another. So chances are they view the wearing of a ring (or not wearing one) differently too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question, the best way to avoid unwanted advances is &lt;strong&gt;by your words and actions&lt;/strong&gt;. Whether or not you wear a ring in my opinion will make no difference. If someone is looking to have an affair then a ring will not put them off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone does make a suggestion you do not like, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not interested.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no misinterpreting this. Some people believe that saying &quot;I'm married!&quot; can be interpreted as an excuse and not a rebuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel you would like a visible, outward sign that you are happily married other than wearing a ring, why not keep a photo of your wife/family on your desk, or wherever you are facing these challenges?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T15:00:11.777" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T15:00:11.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-25T11:07:13.690" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tough, huh? But I made it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There're some tactics that might work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, you should soothe yourself. Here's what I think: if your boyfriend and you would get married and you guys won't live with his mother or his family, then just treat his mother like a friend. Holiday cards and meals, caring text are not that hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, one good turn deserves another. If you show enough respect and care for his mother, she takes it and treats you well back. Then it is perfect. If not, then your boyfriend can't blame on you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that she just loves her son so much and if she reaches your bottom line, try to talk to her peacefully, instead of making your boyfriend to choose one side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17170" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T11:07:13.690" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-25T11:38:31.460" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am presuming that you didn't recognize the voice as being that of your doctor, as I am unaware of any AI technology in the present that can mimic a specific persons voice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can simply say, &quot;I am sorry but I need to verify that you are Dr. Whomever speaking to me in person&quot;. Not only could the party on the other end of the line be a machine, it could also be a scammer. If you doctor is offended that you feel the need to ensure you are talking to the right person that really isn't your problem. You have a right to medical privacy and confidentiality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2675" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T11:38:31.460" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13600" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-25T12:57:21.850" Score="6" ViewCount="8760" Body="&lt;p&gt;I rent an upper mid-class standard flat, solo, Warsaw, Poland. The only big drawback is heat. From about April to September room temperature stays at &gt;26 Celsius day and night. This lowers sleep quality at night and comfort at all times. An air conditioner seems to be the best solution, but I don't want to pay full price. How can I ask my landlord to buy it or at least partially fund it? Over email unless advised otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Landlord - me relation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been living here for about 1,5 years. The landlord has multiple flats (a few I think since he still manages them himself) but outsources looking for new tenants to a company. I was negotiating prices with a worker of the company first (got them down by ~10%), then met the landlord to sign documents. This is the only time I met him. The rest of our communication is by emails and SMS and is rare. I got only 2 invoices for utilities so far. Seems like he doesn't want to commit much time to the flat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the beginning there was another, even bigger disadvantage of the flat - a bathtub with no curtain for taking shower. I pointed it out and he told me that's not a problem and he will send a handyman to install it. What surprised me was that I had to pay the full costs of materials and work to the handyman. The landlord didn't indicate in any way that I will be the payer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The flat&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a &quot;studio&quot; - it has a single very big room with a kitchen part (I wanted exactly that). The only windows are from one side and are doors to a balcony at the same time. The normal door is on the other side, so currently the only way to effectively cool it down is to leave my front and balcony doors open for like a half an hour. Leaving balcony doors open at all times isn't a good option because there's grass on the balcony (bugs) and it's not totally quiet outside. I rarely have direct sunlight so blocking it won't solve the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the standard of the flat, it has everything modern. If not for the heat I would be totally satisfied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how long I will live there. I think at least half a year but it's very probable that a few years. Still I don't want to pay full price for air conditioning since it's investing in a flat that I don't own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16937" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-16T16:38:12.627" LastActivityDate="2018-12-16T16:38:12.627" Title="How to ask a landlord to install air conditioning?" Tags="&lt;negotiation&gt;&lt;poland&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13600" CreationDate="2018-04-25T13:16:35.173" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll leave aside the landlord-tenant relationship and landlord's obligation and focus on the question itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd gather information.  What are the rest of the flats in the area like?  How would it benefit the landlord to install AC? It goes without saying that AC would benefit &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; and that you want it,  but (quite frankly) that's not the landlord's concern.  The landlord's concern is how quickly he can rent the flat, for how long, and how profitable that can be.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I'd meet with the landlord.  I'd point out that similar rents in the area have AC and his does not and as a tenant, it seems silly to pay the same and get less.  You don't have to point out marketing, etc. - he's probably familiar with that.  If he agrees to put it in, I'd say that, since the AC would be to his long-term benefit, you don't see why you should invest in his property.  (Given your use of the word &quot;flat&quot;, I assume you're in the UK.  I'm not sure about the laws there.  In the US, I don't think it's legal for the landlord to make the tenant pay for improvements to the property. IANAL.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Too many of these negotiations focus on the benefit of the requestor.  Focus on the benefit to the requestee - that shows that you are not thinking of just yourself and that there's a benefit to meeting your request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T13:16:35.173" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13464" CreationDate="2018-04-25T13:29:33.967" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Data Caps&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have a limit on Data? More and more internet providers (in the US at least) are limiting how much data you can use per month. If so, the simplest solution would be to suggest that with your limited data you aren't comfortable risking the fees associated with going over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, but we generally run pretty close to our data cap each month.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T13:29:33.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13603" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13600" CreationDate="2018-04-25T14:36:36.270" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;A while back I wanted air conditioning in a townhouse I rented. I got a price on it of 2,200.00USD for central air conditioning, which was low at the time. I talked it over with the landlord, and he agreed to have it installed. But he said I would have to sign a new one-year lease with a 25.00USD/month rent increase, which was small in comparison to the total rent of 1,500/month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I thought it was worth it. In our discussion he didn't seem interested in my input as to the benefit to himself as an investment in his property, but was more interested in how unbearable it was for me to live in the heat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do your homework it will show you are serious about it. Property owner/managers generally have connections from whom they can obtain better prices than the average consumer. so the price you obtain might not be of much consequence to your landlord. But it will still demonstrate that you are serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Way back when I managed 600+ apartment units. The cost of a bad tenant is so high (roughly 4,000USD per eviction, plus unpaid rent and property damage), that I would sign off on practically any reasonable request a 'good' tenant had, as long as it was a good investment for the owners. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That information should come in handy during your interaction with your landlord. The main obstacle to making improvements on occupied units is that tenants won't agree, because of the disruption. One building I had there was a deal that any tenant could have the old carpeting removed and the floors sanded and varnished, and have a remodeled bathroom, free, with no rent increase, and no one accepted. That was about 4,000USD worth of improvement at the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That information should give you confidence in working with your landlord toward a solution. So, I would do the above, and just ask for what you want.  You'd be surprised how much landlords are willing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T01:57:20.823" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T01:57:20.823" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13604" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13608" CreationDate="2018-04-25T14:48:52.457" Score="21" ViewCount="5692" Body="&lt;p&gt;I paint as a hobby. Made few hi-bye friends at office because of this. I would be happy to give my painting to someone who truly appreciates it from the bottom of their heart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually when a painting is done, it stays in a box in a closet at home. It is 14 by 11 inches in a paper frame (called matting) of 20 by 16 inches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's relevant, the people who express most appreciation are from India and have been in USA for 10 to 15 years (they are usually shy and indirect, especially older generation), hence I added the India tag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1st scenario&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I finished painting with religious overtones and emailed to a group of people at work. One lady (roughly in 50s) asked me if the painting is here in the office. Does this necessarily mean she would love to keep the painting? I would be happy to give it to her. On the other hand, I don't want to unnecessarily burden someone with an extra possession if they really don't want it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2nd scenario&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another lady (roughly 30s) asked what do I do with painting after I have finished them. Another time, this same lady showed me an old religious photo. I may consider painting this in future. Would it be a good idea to give it to her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, &lt;strong&gt;how do I tell whether someone would like to have my finished painting, without imposing a gift on them?&lt;/strong&gt; I wish I could use painting as a way of making friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12671" LastEditorUserId="12671" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T15:52:45.920" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T08:09:34.770" Title="How to tell whether someone would like to have my painting, without imposing a gift on them?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13604" CreationDate="2018-04-25T15:07:39.733" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One lady (roughly in 50s) asked me if the painting is here in the office. Does this necessarily mean she would love to keep the painting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think there's no way to tell for sure. I think she might be interested to see the painting in detail, but this does not give a clear indication that she wants to take it for sure. Plus, many people would be shy to ask to have it, since you seem to invest a lot of time / energy / money in your paintings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About how to indicate to your colleagues that you're open to give them your creations, why wouldn't you: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Use your e-mail&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've said that you shared your most recent creation with some of your colleagues. Why not using it to indicate to them that you'd be happy to give it if someone is interested? This clearly indicates to your colleagues your position, so they won't be shy to ask for it if they want it, and it'll spare you the energy to try to guess if they're interested in it. If they are several people interested, make them know and tell them you've got others (since I understand that you're willing to give several of your paintings). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, you could use a post-it, placed near your current creation, saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd be happy to offer it when over!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but the drawback of this method is that the post-it would be visible by all your colleagues, and you may not want to offer the possibility of giving your paintings to all of them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T15:07:39.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13604" CreationDate="2018-04-25T15:07:51.693" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandmother has been painting for several years now and therefore has a lot of paintings that, as you, she is willing to give to the people that really appreciate them. I will tell you how she does and maybe it suits you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, she shows the people her painting -as you did- and if someone shows especial interest on it she asks them if they like it or if they like paintings in general. If they like them, she tells them that if they want she could make a painting for them or even give the one they are admiring. As painting is a hobby for you so I don't think that painting something in particular will be annoying for you, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example you could say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am glad you liked my painting. If you want next time I can paint one for you as I enjoy painting a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like this you are opening them the possibility to have one and also you can know if it will be imposing it to them. If they agree or show interest you could suggest them that it won't be a problem to you if they wish to keep the currently one. You could even try it out with the lady that showed you that old religious photo saying you are thinking to paint it so you can offer her in first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also said you would like to use paintings as a way of making friends. I assume friends with your co-workers? If yes maybe you could organize some kind of exhibition at your place and invite those who have shown more interested. Also there you could find out if they would like to keep a specific one they liked. If you are ok with friends not being co-workers and if you have free time you could join painting lessons where you could both improve your skills and meet new people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I read your post &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10986/how-to-politely-decline-painting-requests-from-co-workers&quot;&gt;How to politely decline painting requests from co-workers?&lt;/a&gt; so I figured out that painting any subject won't be an option to you. You could say then the same as above but if they agreed you can show them some pictures/photos you would like to paint and tell them to choose one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17145" LastEditorUserId="17145" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T12:44:54.523" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T12:44:54.523" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13604" CreationDate="2018-04-25T15:25:11.047" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The comments you mention could mean almost anything, as far as what the person is thinking. I have known numerous east Indians, and almost all of them do especially like colorful, religious art. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would ask, &quot;Is this something you would like to hang on your wall? As an artist I want my work to be appreciated.&quot; Any lukewarm response would indicate lack of interest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking acquaintances to make a comment on your art will almost always elicit a positive response, because they realize that art is an expression of the artist; something personal. You may not get an honest answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your own protection, depending on how well you accept rejection, I would tread carefully when evaluating whether to offer a gift so intimate. The deepest human drive is to create beauty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Having one's own creation rejected can be devastating, so much so that many cannot persevere beyond it, so they stop creating. If you know your work is good, then it is! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People also tend to value what they work for. If you give away your work, it might be less valued for that reason. I have a friend who is a hobby painter, and among his work are some paintings I'd be proud to own. But he hasn't offered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you can take the possible rejection, you can pursue your course to seek recipients for your paintings. And I might punctuate the answer by saying that art grows on a person when they see it every day. Even if your friend isn't head over heels now, (s)he may grow to deeply love the work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T15:25:11.047" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13604" CreationDate="2018-04-25T15:40:52.363" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;(Disclaimer, I am not very familiar with Indian culture but I am a native US person who also likes to do art as a hobby.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people I don't know well, I try to have a short conversation to gauge their interest before offering - why do they like this particular piece? Make sure to do it in a friendly way rather than an interrogation, of course! I usually go for some mild self-deprecation (&quot;I was experimenting with a new style here, you think it works?&quot;) or &quot;artist's notes&quot; commentary (&quot;I was trying to capture the emotions of blah blah&quot;), but say whatever feels natural for you. You could also ask about other art or artists they like, and if they have any in their house already, to get an idea of how &quot;serious&quot; they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they just complimented it as a passing fancy, I find the conversation is usually short or quickly veers towards other subjects. If they went out of their way to talk to me about my art, it's much more likely they would be interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now for if you've decided you'd like to give it away:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are worried about them accepting a gift out of politeness, make your offer in a very unassuming way. Give them an easy &quot;out&quot;, so that they don't feel put on the spot to make a decision. This could be a graceful way to exit the conversation or a plausible excuse for declining, which would allow them to save face if they weren't that interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, instead of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: What a lovely painting!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Thank you! Would you like it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you could say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you! I am always making more, so if you ever see anything you'd like to have on your walls let me know!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This takes the pressure off for this particular painting, and they can easily say &quot;yes, of course!&quot; and never mention it again - but if they would like it, you just gave them an invitation to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you are worried that they are too shy to ask for a painting, you can frame this as doing you a favor. For example, you could mention that you would like to free up space, or that you could always use suggestions for what to paint next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of the lady showing you a photo, there's nothing wrong with asking directly &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; you start:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really love that picture you showed me earlier, and was thinking about painting it - if I did, would you like it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you asked after painting it, she might feel obligated to accept after you put time into the project, so it is much better to make the offer when it is simply an idea with no investment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T16:46:20.777" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T16:46:20.777" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13547" CreationDate="2018-04-25T17:00:50.833" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I felt scared to tell you [serious, personal thing]&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;B: You think I'm a judgmental person?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could reply to &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; question now -- as if what they just asked you was, &amp;quot;Why are you scared (to tell me)?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I feel uncomfortable being around my ex&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;B: That's ridiculous, you're dating someone else so you shouldn't care&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm glad you feel there's nothing to worry about.&amp;quot; [Optionally] &amp;quot;And I suppose you're right.&amp;quot; [Optionally] &amp;quot;Even so, I feel uncomfortable because ... and therefore ...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I felt really hurt when you did that&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;B: Why should everyone cater to your feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Not everyone, only friends.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little theory (you asked for theory not just solutions):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The proposed answers to the first two, IMO, include evidence that you're listening too, to the person's reply to you and to &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; feelings -- a two-way street, a dialog.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't know about the third; it seems to me it's questionable whether there's basis or desire for a relationship at all. You might see this as an escalation (&amp;quot;I threaten to end the relationship over this!&amp;quot;), I might see it as a de-escalation (&amp;quot;better to have no relationship than an abusive or inhumane one&amp;quot;); also talk with a stranger can still be polite and all, simply less intimate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if you phrased it more politely (e.g. without contradicting them with the word &amp;quot;Not&amp;quot;), you might instead take it as an opportunity to call them or to consider them a friend of yours, and then try continue based on that view (hopefully, shared view).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your alternative reply in the third example might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I hope you won't do it again.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The theory there is that, when they're asking about catering to your feelings (or suggesting that they can't cater, or suggesting that catering is too much to ask), what they're asking is, &amp;quot;What do you want me to do about it?&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their subtext is, &amp;quot;I'm reluctant to apologise&amp;quot;, though I don't know why that's so without the context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My view is that the important part of an apology is the agreement to avoid repeating the offence, so by saying &amp;quot;I hope you won't...&amp;quot; you skip the apology (and let them save face) but still say what your bottom line is (and incidentally explain why you're talking to them about it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The subtext to their reply in the first example might be, &amp;quot;Now you're making me scared too&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That subtext isn't so strong as to require you to change the subject, IMO, i.e. you can treat it as a request to clarify what you're saying about your feelings; optionally reassure them that it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; about you and your feelings, and not about your seeing them as judgemental.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T17:23:24.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-25T18:11:12.570" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The seven principles for making a marriage work by John Gottman has a section on conflicts between wife and mother-in-law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conflicts always amount to the MIL overstepping her boundaries, and the TL:DR is that the husband needs to support his wife 100%.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This position lets the wife know that she comes first in his life, enforces boundaries with his mother, and although she might huff and puff, it will take a lot more than this to actually damage the mother-son relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you and your boyfriend read it for yourself.  Let him know the things you've described here, and let him know that it is a real problem and you expect his 100% support next time you visit.  Since he has clearly never done this before, it might take a few tries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not suggest an ultimatum, as you should work together to solve this problem.  But I will say to you that dealing with a nasty mother-in-law is not your job, your boyfriend needs to keep her in check, or she needs gets cut out of your future life together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17179" LastEditorUserId="12538" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T10:10:45.693" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T10:10:45.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-25T18:19:09.893" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Did the voice on the phone actually say, &quot;This is Dr Jones&quot;? I think it would be unlikely that anyone would program an AI to lie about its identify. I mean, it might say, &quot;This is Alex calling from Dr Jones office&quot;, and try to give the impression that it's a real person. But I'd be very surprised if it falsely claimed to be a specific real person. What would the gain be? If you are fooled, how is the doctor better off than if the AI did not make such a claim? And if you figure it out, you are very likely going to be annoyed about being lied to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, the classic way to detect an AI is to change the subject. You could even do it subtly if you're worried that if it is a real person, they will be offended. Like you're describing your medical problem. So say, for example, &quot;My sister came to see me when she heard I was sick. She lives in Georgia. Have you ever been there?&quot; A real person will say yes or no and will likely make some polite comment about relatives or the place. An AI asking about medical conditions will probably not understand the question, so it can't say &quot;yes&quot; or &quot;no&quot;. It will have to either admit it didn't understand the question or give an evasive answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, if you really engaged in a back-and-forth conversation and you're not certain that it's an AI, I'd guess it's not an AI. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T18:19:09.893" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13604" CreationDate="2018-04-25T18:41:16.687" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I'm offering someone a choice and I don't want them to feel pressured in either direction, I try to emphasize that both options are acceptable, and provide them with free excuses for whichever side they might choose. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;If you're interested, I would love to offer you a painting for your home, either this or another one. It makes me very happy to feel that my art is appreciated -- I have plenty of it in my own home already! But I know that space can be tight and not everybody has room for new artwork on the wall, so of course I understand if that's the case.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you've given them a reason to accept (that it shows appreciation for your artwork), but also a reason to decline (that they don't have space for it.) This emphasizes that either option is okay, to reduce pressure on them regardless of which option they would feel pressured to take (being afraid the offer is not genuine and must be rejected, or being afraid to offend the artist and so the offer must be accepted.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17180" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T18:41:16.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13604" CreationDate="2018-04-25T19:55:15.307" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say something like &quot;I paint because I like making things.  Let me know if you know anyone who would want one; I'd love for it to end up in a home where it would be appreciated.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives the person a chance to give a face-saving refusal like &quot;Oh, that's nice, but I don't know where to put it&quot; or &quot;I do like it, but the colors aren't right for my house&quot;.  If the person says this, don't offer to make another one to their specifications, unless they actually say something like &quot;If you made me one half the size, I'd love to put it in my living room&quot;.  Just let their answer stand as a polite &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And no, someone who asks if the painting is in your office likely does not want to take it home.  They might want to examine the real thing more closely, or, if the painting is religious, they might be trying to gauge if you are the kind of employee who will plaster their religious beliefs all over a workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T19:55:15.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13617" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13619" CreationDate="2018-04-25T20:39:58.120" Score="12" ViewCount="2753" Body="&lt;p&gt;My co-worker has been sneezing about 8 times a day for the last two weeks. Like clock-work, I will hear him loudly sneeze out into the air every hour. He is not covering his mouth when he sneezes (and coincidentally, many people in the office have gotten sick in the intervening two weeks).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, what is a good way to ask my co-worker to start sneezing into the crook of his arm/elbow, as is generally accepted to be hygienic?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17185" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T22:13:38.600" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T11:31:04.173" Title="How to ask a co-worker to sneeze into their elbow?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13617" CreationDate="2018-04-25T20:52:55.143" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;First things first, start by expressing some concern for his health. I've been sick for a week now, and when I'm sick, I'm usually a bit grumpy. That means that I have a tendency to be on edge. I think that holds for people in general; a two-week cold means that your coworker is probably pretty miserable. It also means that the cold could be more serious than a passing cold (although it could also be allergies, depending on where you are).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I'd start with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you okay? It seems like you've been sick for a while now. I hope you're not feeling too bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, they appreciate that you care for their well-being (and I assume you do, to some extent), and might say as much. This puts them in a slightly better mood to respond to your next question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you mind being a bit more careful when you sneeze? I know that you want to keep working at the office while you're sick, but I also want to make sure that everyone else stays healthy while you recover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What this does:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It lets him know that you're asking for the good of the office as a whole.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It acknowledges that the person is trying to keep getting work done, while they probably just want to lie in bed and not have to deal with . . . work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It phrases things as lightly as possible. It also isn't aggressive or accusatory; it doesn't say &quot;You're responsible for getting everyone sick here!&quot; (even though they might be).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if it turns out to just be allergies - well, maybe you can sympathize, although it could then be a longer-term problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T20:52:55.143" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13617" CreationDate="2018-04-25T20:53:18.157" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Oh, I know the feeling!  I had a very similar situation with someone I worked with for several years.  It was a fairly close work setting, so there wasn't really any way to just avoid him.  The way to address this is actually fairly simple: just come out and say it!  I don't mean be rude or harsh: something along the lines of,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Say, would you mind covering your mouth when you sneeze?  I would really appreciate it, and it would help prevent the spread of disease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emphasize politeness, but get the point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T20:53:18.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13621" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13384" CreationDate="2018-04-25T21:13:26.060" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would agree with most of the suggestions above but ultimately its up to you what happens. They are providing a service to you - not vice versa. If you know what you want/need and you know you aren't being unreasonable then insist upon it. Do not consent to any procedure you don't want. When it comes to your health then offending someone is of secondary importance. Talk to their office manager, or to your doctor and make it clear what you need. Get up and walk out if needed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17187" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T21:13:26.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13600" CreationDate="2018-04-25T21:44:40.270" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your first step in building a solid argument is realizing that your landlord does not owe you air conditioning. A/C is an &lt;em&gt;amenity,&lt;/em&gt; and so is anything in your apartment that is not due to you by right as a renter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, with very few exceptions, you will only be able to convince your landlord to give your unit an additional amenity by explaining &lt;em&gt;why its adoption would benefit your landlord.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How we convinced a landlord to grant us amenities:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will use my own experience to illustrate a few ways that one might appeal to a landlord. In my case, there is a lot of tenant turnover in my area due to the fact that we are mainly university students, so my housemates and I decided to focus on amenities that would add immediate and significant value to future tenants at minimal cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why did we need a garbage disposal?&lt;/strong&gt; Because our landlord was losing money and time twice a month organizing a laborer to unclog our kitchen sink. $200 to fix an ongoing problem, &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; it would be appealing to future renters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why did we need a modern refrigerator?&lt;/strong&gt; Because our landlord was losing money and time every two months organizing a laborer to fix issues on the old fridge. Not to mention that spoiled food could cause a tenant to fall extremely sick, and liability would be at the hand of the landlord. The cost of a new fridge greatly outweighs footing a tenant's hospital bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why did we need him to build a wall through the dining room to separate the room from the living area?&lt;/strong&gt; We didn't. But the living room was so expansive and we were tired of sharing rooms, so we pitched it to our landlord, explaining to him that after we moved out &lt;em&gt;he could market his unit as a 3 bedroom, 2 bath&lt;/em&gt; instead of a 2bd/2bth. Huge increase in rent value for the one-time cost of some lumber and labor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We got it all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now did I get an A/C? No. He saw this as an amenity that is specific to a more expensive building. However, he was willing to install one A/C window unit for no charge, and would install any additional units we purchased on our own for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How you can negotiate the amenity with your landlord:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you understand that seeing it from your landlord's perspective is the most important step you will take in moving towards actualizing your goal. As long as you do not come from a place of entitlement to this amenity, he will probably be willing to at last hear you out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that most people care if their tenants are in extreme discomfort, however it does not sound like you are necessarily managed by one of those gems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, you might have to put your bravest hat on and address the issue in a respectful but straightforward, even forceful manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you want to appeal to his business side? Are you willing to realize that your rent may increase if you start him on thinking about property value and rentability?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The apartment has been excessively hot for some time now and it's been&#xA;impacting my sleep and health. As your tenant, I would like you to please&#xA;consider installing an air cooling system. Not only would your tenants be&#xA;healthier, but it would be a valuable investment in an amenity that would make&#xA;you far more competitive to other units in the area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you want to appeal to his emotional side?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you considering installing an air cooling system? I've been feeling dizzy&#xA;and ill due to the unbearable heat of the apartment, and I believe this would&#xA;greatly alleviate the issue for myself as well as your future tenants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you willing to compromise to increase your chances of success?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... and I would be willing to compromise and shoulder some of the cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails, suggest the installation of temporary/ movable air conditioning unit. This is much cheaper and probably a more attractive option to your landlord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck my friend, I do sympathize with your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16959" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T21:57:58.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-25T21:54:09.303" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, spotting a recorded message is easier than spotting AI.  By &quot;recorded message&quot; I mean the systems that play a full message and then have some very limited AI to interpret a yes or no response.  Such messages are usually delivered very rapidly so that you wait until they are done before responding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had the irritating experience of believing it was a real person inviting me to an event of some kind, with their inquiry ending with &quot;Will you be coming?&quot;  When I began to explain why I wasn't coming, I was interrupted with a recorded, &quot;I'm sorry, I didn't understand that.  Please say 'yes' or 'no.'&quot;  Very annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than waiting for the complete message, now I will interject as they begin their spiel.  &quot;Hello, this is Amy calling from ____ to invite you to....&quot; and I just say, &quot;Oh, hi Amy,&quot; and if &quot;she&quot; doesn't stop to acknowledge, then I know it's a recording and I can hang up without compunction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For more complex AI, a similar strategy will work.  Just assume it's a person and don't &quot;stick to the script.&quot;  Don't follow protocol.  A real person will understand you anyway; a computer won't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even just, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Oh hi, what's your name?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; should do it.  Add in, &quot;Are you based in the hospital?&quot;  Anything that's a perfectly reasonable social question to ask a person, will make it very obvious when you're talking to a machine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an added advantage, if you're talking to a &quot;wetware&quot; machine (a person who is robotically following a dull script), adding social conversation may liven up the conversation and end up a much more enjoyable conversation for both of you.  (Yes, even mundane transactions should still be enjoyable conversations.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, whether it's a digital computer or a &quot;mental machine&quot; you're talking to, adding your own &lt;strong&gt;LIVE INTEREST&lt;/strong&gt; to the conversation will &quot;break up&quot; the machinery.  :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1919" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T21:54:09.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13604" CreationDate="2018-04-25T23:20:24.723" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am from India and yes , many people here like to have religious paintings for their houses .Most people have at least one religious painting in their houses and many people even worship paintings of Deities .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for this scenario :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One lady (roughly in 50s) asked me if the painting is here in the office. Does this necessarily mean she would love to keep the painting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess she just wanted to have just a look , as some of the answers suggested ,and i think you should talk to her more to get to know if she truly wants it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the second scenario &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;:Another lady (roughly 30s) asked what do I do with painting after I have finished them. Another time, this same lady showed me an old religious photo. I may consider painting this in future. Would it be a good idea to give it to her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would be a nice idea to give it to her as a gift . I think she would really appreciate it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as you said earlier :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If it's relevant, the people who express most appreciation are from India and have been in USA for 10 to 15 years (they are usually shy and indirect, especially older generation), hence I added the India tag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Indian etiquette is quite different from yours and most people find it confusing as to how they should reply if you ask something to them . So a typical Indian reply would be :&quot;No,No,No..That's okay&quot;.And you can't easily judge whether they really meant no or they are just simply shy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the best way that you could give it to them would be on a special occasion such as a festival.You could perhaps add that you thought that your painting could be a nice present on that occasion  . (Just expect a lot of Indian sweets in return ,If the person is a typical Indian that is :) ) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16316" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T23:20:24.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13626" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="697" CreationDate="2018-04-25T23:24:02.013" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;His behavior led to your loss. Since you are still in school, you may or may not realise what you are actually asking him to do, but you are asking him to bow his head. I am focusing on the action here rather than the person to be very clear. Rather than him thinking whether his action was right or wrong, I would request you and your classmates (although you cannot make them do this) think about his action. While this may have affected you, is he technically breaking any rules in the school? If not, why blame him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other point I want to make here is think about why he may have been reading instead of paying attention both being the same subject. It may have been that the teacher's explanation did not interest him. Again, as long as he was not studying any other subject or doing something else, I think it was fine. It may also be to revalidate what the teacher was teaching. I see no wrongdoing there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am from India and I have had a similar experience where the teacher has yelled at me for discussing the subject with a friend sitting next to me thinking I was just messing around. Later, the same teacher apologized saying they had some other problem at home and they lashed out at me. Goes to say, sometimes teachers overreact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, in my personal experience, I have seen that teachers who have a very strong hold on the subject they're teaching do not really care about these kind of small things. They do their job and do not bother. And it is in these classes, the students pay more attention because those teachers make classes more enjoyable. While, those who aren't so, insist on the nitty gritties. Ironic to think that the students pay more attention where the teacher doesn't care about it and they don't when the teachers insist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if this student you are referring to is actually not wrong and stood his ground but the teacher overreacted, you are expecting him to compromise even when he has done nothing wrong just because it benefits everyone else. Isn't that encouraging the teacher's current behaviour? What if that teacher continues to do the same? Also, I think the teacher punishing the entire class (I have seen this happen during my college times too) for one person's behavior is not fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do understand that your question wants to know how to make him apologize. I would request you to take some time and think if he should apologize based on what I have said. If even after that you think that he should, I would suggest that you ask him for the solution to your current situation and explain to him how his action has affected everyone. This way, you are not asking him to apologize. Instead, dropping the ball in his court. If this student is infact righteous, he may understand your predicament &amp;amp; do what is necessary to overcome your difficulties. If he shows arrogance, then it means he was not standing his ground for being right, he was probably just being a jerk. In which case, talking to him maybe in vain. Only thing you can do is to convince the teacher and explain to them that one person's action should not affect the entire class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I put this argument here because you seem very young and what you learn now will have repurcussions later in your life. The compromises or strengths you show will reflect in your life later. It might sound silly to some who read this, but trust me this goes deep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11916" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2018-04-25T23:37:02.153" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T23:37:02.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-25T23:25:53.623" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a marriage, a persons partner must have absolute priority over the persons family. If a person cannot do that, they shouldn't get married. So if your boyfriend of five years cannot make your wellbeing his priority over his family, then you have a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not going to change his family. The mother will always be manipulative and hold the son under her thumb, and act in the most hurtful way possible towards you. The older brother will always be an immature jerk. It's not going to change. So &lt;em&gt;either&lt;/em&gt; your boyfriend gives you real support and stands up for you, or you both stay away from his family. That's what you need to make clear to your boyfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he cannot accept this - well, you don't &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to affect your relationship with him, but you'd have to consider what you want in the long run. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So talk to him. Make it absolutely clear that his family is behaving in an unacceptable and disgusting way towards you, and that either he stands up for you and puts an end to this behaviour, or you will stop any contact with his family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-04-25T23:25:53.623" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13628" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13648" CreationDate="2018-04-26T00:06:31.610" Score="80" ViewCount="22925" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some waiters offer something (e.g. distilled water; more &lt;em&gt;amuse-bouches&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;hors d'œuvre&lt;/em&gt; or bread) without disclosing if it's free. How can I clarify tactfully? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always decline, as I don't know how to ask without being judged. But this flopped yesterday. When I arrived first at a restaurant, I declined the waiter's offer of house-made garlic bread and taro chips. Only when my colleagues arrived later, did they tell me that they were free. We then notified the waiter of our changed answer, but there were no more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some tablemates said nothing, but I could feel their disapproval of me and disappointment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="17202" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T11:35:13.497" LastActivityDate="2019-08-01T20:02:55.580" Title="How can I ask if something's free, without looking stingy?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13629" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-26T00:16:35.230" Score="148" Body="&lt;p&gt;A waiter's job is to inform you of the menu and serve you while you're in their restaurant. Their time is precious so you always want to be careful when causing them more work than they would normally have to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asked if you'd like an extra dish however, there's no shame if you respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That sounds interesting, but what's the price for that? I can't seem to find it on the menu.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are inquiring about the menu--something that is within their job description to regularly help customers with--and you are taking a very small portion of their time to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2019-08-01T20:02:55.580" LastActivityDate="2019-08-01T20:02:55.580" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13630" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13631" CreationDate="2018-04-26T00:38:09.807" Score="8" ViewCount="1245" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work at the tech support desk for a financial services company and having trouble dealing with a (relatively) new hire who at best doesn't seem to be picking up the job and is oblivious to it, and at worst totally underestimated their job duties and workload and deceived their way into what they thought would be an easy job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person was hired at a second-level support position ostensibly because of prior experience in the IT industry as a &quot;.NET Developer&quot;, but &lt;strong&gt;the more time I spend trying to work with them, the more it seems that they oversold their expertise and experience. What's more alarming is that they seem utterly incapable of the teamwork necessary for what we do (which is primarily tech administration/support), and seem to be totally oblivious to the consequences their actions have on the rest of the team.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Despite multiple attempts to directly coach this person on this subject, they do not seem to be learning and instead of taking responsibility and learning, they retreat into anxious excuses.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For about 8 months, I've been trying to give this person the benefit of the doubt (since I know that development work, if that's what they really did, can be very different than day to day troubleshooting and dealing directly with users, and I empathize that there's a lot to learn). &lt;strong&gt;However, this person seems to be the IT archetype of someone who perpetually repeats their first year in the field.&lt;/strong&gt; (There are others on my support team who ostensibly have many years of experience and also fit that description, but that's a separate topic...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'm very happy with where I'm at since I enjoy hacking on things to make them automated and can manage customer service pretty well, in addition getting some great on the job training with sysadmin work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However, this person continues to be a drag on my productivity, despite me telling them directly at least twice that they need to take more responsibility/ownership for the work that they do, and try to recognize when their actions are a drag on the team. For them, good intentions seem to be more important than the actual results.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been (rightly) scolded before by one of our sysadmins not doing enough work for myself to solve problems and relying on someone else to solve my problems, so I can empathize with this person's fear of asking for the wrong kind of help. &lt;strong&gt;However, they are in this exact situation that I was in before (and I told them exactly that), but they have not been able to learn from it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some examples of their behavior:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I had prepared a bag of miscellaneous cables/supplies to take with me to a site visit that was an hour's drive away, but this person decided they would take the entire bag supplies with them for a less time-sensitive task at an office that's a 10 minute walk. My trip had been on our department calendar for at least a week, but this person showed zero cognizance how how much their actions (and relying on my prep work to cover their lack of planning) ruined my plans for that day.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not knowing basic roles in our department (in this case that only full domain admins can reset an AD administrator password)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asked me if we are able to do a certain thing for an end user, and when I said that we are not, rather than trying to think through who would do it they simply played the guessing game.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A typical workload for us at any time is between 15-20 tickets or so at a time (including day to day issues and projects), but I frequently hear them sigh multiple times a day and say &quot;oh god&quot; under their breath, despite not realizng that they have a very light load compared with others.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking me how to disable an Outlook plugin, while I was managing a flood of user tickets from a major system outage, not even bothering to Google it first.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Being an introvert and someone who likes to teach and help, I take part of the blame for not being more direct with this person while these things happened and being too helpful instead of letting them learn, but at this point I'm not sure what's the best course of action.&lt;/strong&gt; They do have a (somewhat superficial) technical interest in solving issues, but seems incapable of applying themselves in an organized way to be effective at the job. When they re-encounter a task they've been shown how to do multiple times, they have no recollection of doing so (I'm not expecting total mastery, but just asking that they have a general recollection of the basics).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm at a point where after giving this person many opporunities and being as polite as possible, I now realize that I've been covering for them and doing far more harm than good.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here are the options I'm looking at, and their downsides:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start being curt and replying with &quot;You should know this&quot;, &quot;Look it&#xA;up&quot;, &quot;I'm busy&quot; - I'm most inclined to do this, but know that based&#xA;on them being anxious that they will likely just shut down and stop&#xA;them from asking questions altogether&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Write detailed instructions and delegate a task to them (that&#xA;requires planning/organization) as a test, but risk having more work&#xA;fixing their mess later.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Play dumb with them, document mistakes and refusal to learn from&#xA;them and hope that my supervisor will eventually have cause for&#xA;discipline (not likely since for better or worse, upper management&#xA;tends to be deferential, at least for the time being)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately my direct superior sees this exact behavior for what it is, and is extremely supportive of what I deal with, but we're both unsure of how to deal with the situation, given their anxious personality. My boss has been beginning to rely on option 1, but this person hasn't gotten the message from that either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I know this is a classic problem for anyone that works in tech, what is the best way for me to salvage them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9181" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T15:32:42.857" Title="How to coach underperforming, anxious coworker in an IT position?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13630" CreationDate="2018-04-26T01:07:34.973" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've hired and fired technical staff.  Let me preface this with one thing that your post touches on but doesn't address: talent is a critical component of working in IT (or really any job).  The work can be learned, but that requires an underlying talent for the position and if that talent is not there, learning will NOT be easy.  Putting it another way:  I may want to play professional basketball but if I'm only 5'4 and am uncoordinated, no amount of effort or desire will enable me to do that job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, this person's competence is your boss' issue, not yours.  So don't feel overly responsible for it.  You want to do what you can, which is admirable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's put aside the past and look at the present.  You are covering for your co-worker.  That needs to stop.  They see you as a crutch.  They aren't exercising the intellectual curiosity that an IT professional needs to have to be successful.  It's been 8 months, which is about 6 months longer than it takes to pick up basic tech support skills.  Enabling that is a poor interpersonal skill. Here's where I'd start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd chat with your co-worker.  &quot;Bob, I've come to realize that I'm doing too much for you and have made you reliant on me.  My work is suffering as a result, and I'm not doing you any favors.  Starting today, I'm going to encourage you to do the basic research.  Any question you ask me, I'm going to ask 'what have you tried? I don't expect a doctoral thesis, but I do expect that you have done basic troubleshooting and research before you ask me a question.&quot;  Then hold him to that. Be firm but polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How do I disable an Outlook plugin?&quot;  &quot;What have you tried?  What have you looked up?&quot;  &quot;Well, nothing...&quot;  &quot;Go and do some research; let me know what you find out.  When you have something, come back and ask again.&quot;  Insist on their doing that - they will gain confidence in their ability as they find more and more solutions by themself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like you're cutting him loose, and in a way you are.  Successful IT staff have the ability to look things up and think independently; if he refuses to do that, you're better off finding that out quickly and having your boss deal with it.  Carrying an underperforming coworker teaches them that they can underperform and is a terrible interpersonal skill - you do not help them grow and develop.  An important interpersonal skill as a mentor is not helping them learn - it's teaching them HOW to learn, self-teach, and self-correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Encourage him to start doing those basics of the job.  When he asks who does something, encourage him to find an organizational chart.  If one doesn't exist, make him call around to people who he thinks might do that.  The chase will teach him about others in the department, build relationships, and give him an idea of IT as a whole.  Again, that will help build confidence as he starts to swim for himself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT #2: I'd do that as a Project Manager but not a co-worker.  If there's a more complicated task, have them write up what they plan to do and go over it with you.  That will teach them more and give you an idea where they need to grow.  Also, giving a person a detailed process discourages thinking and makes the person into a checklist-doer.  You want to teach them how to learn and think, not blindly follow a process.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT #3: that's the final straw and more your boss' job.  I would focus a lot on #1 and #2 before I got to the point of this.  Once I hit that point, though, I'd say this, &quot;I've been helping you a lot.  It's time for you to swim on your own.  After today, I only will answer questions that you think you have an answer to and need confirmation or to bounce a potential solution off of.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, divorce the person from the job they are performing.  Nervous personality or not, your boss pays them to do a certain job and pays you to do a certain job as well.  If this person can't do his job, and that detracts you from doing yours, then your boss is, quite frankly, getting mugged.  Be supportive and friendly, yet firm.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T01:18:06.733" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T01:18:06.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13600" CreationDate="2018-04-26T01:37:08.697" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe you should get &lt;strong&gt;leverage&lt;/strong&gt;. That's the only thing that matters to a negotiation and I believe there is no such thing such as &quot;fairness&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You actually need a few elements that are very important to a negotiation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;See what is the landlord status&lt;/strong&gt;. If he is in need of cash, he might be tempted to accept a raise in his cash flow - by raising the rent just a little bit - and in exchange you can get the AC.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;See what you can offer him&lt;/strong&gt;. You actually can trade a few things for the AC: sell or extend a fidelity contract for your landlord, in exchange for the AC; give a small raise in the rent for the AC - maybe a small fraction of that discount you got; barter some item with him for the AC installation; buy the AC and split the price with him, saying that this will increase the value of the rent. It could even be some combination of those examples.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Have an alternative&lt;/strong&gt;. This means that you should have another course of action, in case he refuses everything you offer. If your alternative is really good - such as finding some other apartment that has the AC and is similar in price and comfort - you have more leverage to negotiate with him. If you need to bluff, do so in &quot;credible lies&quot;, the ones that are credible enough for him to believe.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Know what you want at least and at most&lt;/strong&gt;. Having a nice thought of what you want at least - AC in the room - is necessary to avoid being fooled by the landlord. Also, don't get way too greedy: have a realistic upper limit to what you'd love to have - such as an AC that enough power to leave the room in a comfortable state and not some large sized AC, big enough to snow inside your room.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Engage him with the offer&lt;/strong&gt;. Do not sit and wait for him to think about your needs. You have to tell him what you want and what will you do - if you got enough leverage - if your terms are not met.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Understand that the negotiation has to be balanced&lt;/strong&gt;. Be polite, respectful and present your needs first and present what you could do for him. He is a businessman, so he understands that having an angry or dissatisfied tenant is bad for business. As a way to keep the negotiation in the rails, mention your alternative - if you have any - or bluff, if you don't have one. As a &lt;strong&gt;last resort&lt;/strong&gt;, use your alternative.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might help you to increase the odds of getting the AC. In any scenario, remember: be polite, respectful and only use your alternative as a last resort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17191" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T01:37:08.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-26T02:19:53.873" Score="6" Body="&lt;h1&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Are you Human or AI?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be afraid to ask directly, we are in 2018 and Artificial Intelligence is everywhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's a human on the other side of the line, be honest and explain that you've been receiving several automated calls and you just want to be sure that you're talking with a human being and not with &lt;em&gt;zero's&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;one's&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question falls into the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turing_test&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Turing Test&lt;/a&gt; category.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CAPTCHA&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;CAPTCHA&lt;/a&gt; (&lt;em&gt;Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart&lt;/em&gt;) is a good example of a Turing Test.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/cWjTt.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/cWjTt.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Drawing of a computer reading a book named &amp;quot;Talk like a human&amp;quot;&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Img &lt;code&gt;src&lt;/code&gt; and nice reading - &lt;a href=&quot;https://medium.com/slack-developer-blog/when-it-comes-to-bots-the-beer-test-might-be-more-important-than-the-turing-test-596af0032e09&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;when it Comes to Bots - the Beer Test Might be More Important than the Turing Test&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10298" LastEditorUserId="10298" LastEditDate="2020-11-15T14:14:41.430" LastActivityDate="2020-11-15T14:14:41.430" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13630" CreationDate="2018-04-26T04:31:52.107" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have had the same problem working at a college . I was surrounded by incompetence to such a degree that I was accused of arrogance simply because I didn't ask others for help. So, I chose to be a facilitator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned that certain people just need the right kind of attention to get them over the initial hump; to give them confidence in themselves. It seems that certain individuals are primarily concerned with being liked by others, and work is secondary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once they feel accepted, nurtured and loved; through the devotion, patience and care of another; they suddenly perform well. Their initial lack of confidence rooted in not being liked by others clouded their minds with anxiety. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when someone came to me for help, I'd sit down next to them, and say, &quot;Tell me how 'you' would approach this problem.&quot; Whatever response I received, I would always gently navigate back to the individual and what they were thinking regarding the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That takes more time in the short run, which no one has enough of to begin with, but many times it succeeds in the long run, where rational methods fail. Many people just require help to be nearby, like sitting next to them, and suddenly they can swim or ride a bike. They just needed that security to get them going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might take a seat and ask, &quot;Where do 'you' think you should look for a solution?&quot; That implies somewhere else besides from you. People like your coworker certainly are deserving of pity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they persist in taking advantage of you, simply state, &quot;I'm willing to help you. But you have to help yourself. Take a few minutes to think about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, walk away for three minutes. When you return, sit down and say something like, &quot;How do 'you' think we should solve this problem? I'm interested in your input.&quot; People want to know how much you care before they care how much you know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T04:31:52.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13639" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13640" CreationDate="2018-04-26T05:30:41.923" Score="1" ViewCount="206" Body="&lt;p&gt;Presume that I can't flee the stranger, who's so nearby (e.g. airplane seatmate) that I can feel her coughs every 5 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T06:55:28.710" Title="How can I tactfully ask a stranger to cover mouth when coughing?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-04-26T07:12:40.287" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13639" CreationDate="2018-04-26T06:54:09.207" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think simply asking them politely should be enough, something along the lines of :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, so sorry to bother you, but could you cover your mouth with your hand when you cough ? I'd be really grateful if you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, if the person doesn't lack any sense of courtesy, they should be happy to oblige.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't though, and assuming it is possible you should try to move away from them. For you example (a plane) you could ask a hostess if it is at all possible to switch seats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it isn't then you might need to brace yourself for a long, and uncomfortable journey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T06:55:28.710" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T06:55:28.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13642" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13580" CreationDate="2018-04-26T07:50:02.983" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am married and do not wear a ring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the rare cases /sight/ where another woman was showing some interest in me, I was just bringing in the topic of my wife and children into the conversation. I made a point to make it natural to &lt;strong&gt;give that other person the ability to back off easily&lt;/strong&gt; without spoiling the discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T07:50:02.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13643" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13647" CreationDate="2018-04-26T08:01:21.267" Score="4" ViewCount="8693" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get this quite often. The most recent situation happened today. A friend of 15 years asked me for a favour. We used to be close but over the years we grew out of our shared interests. Nowadays, we're seeing one another no more than 2 times a year (usually at our birthday parties). I have no problem with helping friends and people in general but I also hate the feeling I get when a person contacts me once a year for the sole purpose of getting something from me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to help her out since I still kind of like her as a friend but &lt;strong&gt;I also want to make it clear that I'm not cool with the fact that our only yearly interaction is centered around me doing stuff for her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this is not the first time I'm experiencing this kind of situation. I've had this happen to me with multiple people. I've never declined to help them and also never said anything that would suggest I'm not cool with it - I need that to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how do I tell them that I'm not okay with the fact that they only contact me when they need me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some long-time friends only contact me to ask for favours. I want to help them but I also want to let them know that I'm not ok with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17197" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-03-07T10:52:43.547" Title="Dealing with long-time friends that only reach out when they need something from me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13644" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-26T08:17:47.967" Score="13" ViewCount="9515" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a large shared house with with several roommates. The company that owns the house tries to rent it out to international people (however I am not international myself). Many people I live with do not seem to make an effort to speak English, though several of them speak it fine when they do. I had asked &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12604/how-to-get-roommates-to-speak-same-language&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; and I know several answers say it's a bad idea to even try changing this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am unsure if any of the above information affects the following question&lt;/strong&gt;, but I wanted to set the background. Several couples have been bringing laptops into the kitchen/living room and listening to videos or podcasts on them. I find the additional noise, often in a language I do not understand, unpleasant. Also the fact that they seem to be occupying a table in the middle of the room for their personal meeting for an hour+ just gets in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask them not to do this? I would also like them to try to be a bit more discreet in the sense it's not very comfortable sitting down to eat dinner beside a couple who appear to be having a business meeting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried bringing up the subject by saying &quot;what are you watching&quot; and they replied &quot;why&quot; (which btw I find rude) and I said &quot;curious&quot; and they said &quot;a youtube video&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my old home sometimes roommates would put on music in the kitchen but I guess this is different because everyone enjoyed it without speaking the language and it wasn't done excessively. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I think what I find uncomfortable about it is I don't know how serious their business is (since I can't understand any). For example, if I had a roommate watching the Avengers movie, I would feel I could use the kitchen more freely and make a bit more noise than if e.g. they are having a conversation with their boss. BUT the point I was trying to make is they're doing this excessive and I didn't mean to focus the question on language. Also there's the aspect of physical space where they sit I have to walk behind their chair all the time. Also I personally find it awkward sitting at a table to eat my meal when the person beside me isn't eating anything (also one's a vegetarian and has said he's sensitive to smells).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I got new roommates who seem to be more mindful of others :D !!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastEditorDisplayName="user16097" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T14:52:38.903" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T14:52:38.903" Title="How to ask roommates not to use so much of common spaces for personal meetings" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13645" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13604" CreationDate="2018-04-26T08:18:42.320" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't make it a gift, offer to sell it for charity.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whilst I fully understand that you are very happy to give away your paintings to people who'd love them (I'd do the same), there is a funny bit of psychology that might help here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When blind people request a seeing eye dog, it's normally assumed they are free, but it's not the case. They are charged £1 (Sorry, brit here). This is to change the idea of the dog from that of a gift on loan, to something they purchased and now are the responsible owner of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This logic might apply quite well to your situation as well. Trying to judge how much someone likes your painting, and whether or not they feel pressured into accepting the offer solely because it's an offered gift is quite difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If anyone see's something they love, all my paintings are $10 each, with proceeds going to my favourite chairty, the RNIB (link).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a great change, because it accomplishes three things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let's people decide themselves how much they value your art, using a&#xA;clear value you both understand.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Removes the whole problem of it being a gift. It makes it something&#xA;they 'own' and as such value higher.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Raises a bit of money for charity.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously the price and chairty are up to you to pick. Just thought I'd add another option to the answers here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7927" LastEditorUserId="7927" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T08:09:34.770" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T08:09:34.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13643" CreationDate="2018-04-26T08:25:48.973" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are usually two possibilities that cause this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They do want to sustain contact with you but only search for pretext asking you for little things.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are exploiting you knowing that you are 'a domain expert' with qualifications to solve their current problems.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the second one is most probable, mentioning that you have no problem helping them, as a person with high social skills, you would choose to approach as if it was 1.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask them for a little favor in exchange. The best will be lunch or dinner (or beer if you are both into that). Anything that makes you spend some time together, talk to each other, ask what important happened in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4610" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T12:08:18.410" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T12:08:18.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13643" CreationDate="2018-04-26T09:03:11.103" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem is that YOU FEEL they only contact you for their own interest - such as when they need something from you. There are 2 situations here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This person would like to see you more times as friends, but because of circumstances this doesn't happen frequently. However, when she needs something, she contacts you even if normally she doesn't because of lack of time - or any other reason.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This person doesn't have any interest at all in seeing you as friends and she indeed only wants to get something she needs from you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the second case, your feeling is completely right: this person is using you, and nobody likes that. In the first case, your feeling is (at least partially) mistaken: this person doesn't intend to use you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the second case, you shouldn't help this person, since she is not really your friend (even if you thought she was). You don't need to be honest with this person: it is not very polite to say &quot;I don't want to help you&quot;, even if you have good reasons for it. You can invent some excuses to not help her, like lack of time, or any other. This excuse doesn't need to be a REALLY good excuse, it is enough that the other person doesn't know if you really can't help her or if you don't want to. It is even better if she suspects that you don't want to, because she will stop asking you for favors (if not the first time you refuse to help her, maybe the second or the third).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To know if someone is in the first or in the second case, you can try to resume your relationship, trying to see her more frequently. If you see that the other person is still interested in seeing you, you won't have that bad feeling about her asking for your help, because you will know that she's in the first case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see that someone is interested in seeing you but you can't because of lack of time, distance, etc. you can choose if you help her or not (you can use the same method written above to refuse), but you will know she's still your friend and you will neither have that bad feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see that someone is not interested in seeing you nor in being your friend, they're in the second case, so refuse to help her as explained above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other answers suggest to ask for another favor in return. I think this is not the best approach because friends don't make favors just to get another one in return. Because of this, with this method you will stop people who only want to get something for you, but you can make people who is your friend feeling that you only will help them to get something in return, so they will think you are not a good friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, they suggest requesting to have a beer or a lunch as examples of the favor you can request in return. This is a good approach, because you are requesting friendship in return, not another favor, which is clearly a fair request. This will also allow you to check who wants to spend some time with you and who doesn't want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I mean is that saying &quot;request a favor in return, for example having lunch with her&quot; includes the possibility to request a different thing in return. It would be better to say &quot;request to spend some time with her in return, for example having lunch&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17198" LastEditorUserId="17198" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T09:30:06.880" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T09:30:06.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-26T09:08:04.073" Score="87" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is that extra, or included?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a way to inquire about pricing while not actually saying any specific word that is heavily financial in nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, simply, &quot;How much is that?&quot;  By inquiring about the cost, you can be delighted if you find out its free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's more than what you want, just note, &quot;No thanks, I'll pass.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-28T11:18:20.667" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T11:18:20.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13643" CreationDate="2018-04-26T09:11:29.733" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you think their just trying to exploit you, the best thing to do is ask a favor &#xA;in return.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This can be on the same day &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sure I'll come and help, but only if you prepare a nice home cooked meal afterwards for me ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you yourself can try to ask them for help first and see how they respond to it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really expect you to help them and they don't want to put in any effort in return you should re-evaluate this friendship. People do grow apart and friendships end, which usually means you're making more time for new relations with other people. Nothing wrong with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively they do want to spend more time with you and might just use the favor as an excuse. If you think this is the case and you too want to spend more time together you should just ask them to do something together more often. Make some phone calls and organise some activity with everyone (like go bowling, going out for a drink, play some board games together, ... whatever you find interesting and think they might enjoy as well).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't give us enough context about this so ignore the following if not relevant:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She might be into you and is afraid to really make the first move. Try meeting up with just her and have a nice one on one talk to see if you're interested as well. But that's worth a completely different question here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T09:11:29.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13644" CreationDate="2018-04-26T10:07:01.387" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;About occupying common spaces: are they preventing you from using this space when you need them often? Then you should politely tell them, and politely agree to fairly distribute the usage time, fairly sharing the space so you both can do what you need to do at the same time...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About unpleasant additional noise: is this noise really loud? Then you should politely request them to reduce the volume. Is not too loud but it is preventing you from doing something you want, such as watching TV? Then you should politely speak with them to find a solution, such as any of you using headphones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being in a different language doesn't matter, because it is not your business what they watch or listen, and you are not doing a shared activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you feel wrong because you would like to share some of these activities with them? Well, I think this is not a language problem. Maybe they don't want to share activities with you, and they could have good reasons for it, or not. If you have been kind with them and they seem to refuse you anyway, probably it's their fault, but you don't have so much to do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you sure that you have been kind enough with these people? Maybe I am wrong, but I find your concern with the language quite annoying and it makes me think that you could have prejudices against them, and this is something that the other people can detect easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to share some activities with them, try suggesting any one to them: maybe you can start watching a series on Netflix (but if they don't speak fluent English they may not want to), or playing table games... If you try twice or three times, they will see you want to share activities with them. If they refuse and don't try to find an alternative activity, they certainly don't want to be your friends nor be kind with you. This feels bad, but sadly for you they have the right to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: responding to your edition about you find uncomfortable because you don't know if you are disturbing: in this case, you should't be uncomfortable about this. You're living in a shared house with many people, if they want some privacity or silence, it is them who should go to their rooms and avoid shared spaces for this stuff. Moreover, they know you can't understand what they're saying/listening, so they can't expect you to know when it is not a good moment. They can politely tell you if it is such the case, and if they don't and they get upset, it is their fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17198" LastEditorUserId="17198" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T11:48:46.917" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T11:48:46.917" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13651" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13644" CreationDate="2018-04-26T10:37:37.680" Score="41" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I live in a large shared house with with several roommates. The company that owns the house tries to rent it out to international people (however I am not international myself).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the landlords like to get international tenants, then you can fully expect the others to not speak English. From the point of view that this is one of your &quot;issues&quot;, the simple answer is: Don't live in an environment such as you do, if you find it unpleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Many people I live with do not seam to make an effort to speak English, though several of those who seem not to want to speak it fine when they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless they have a reason to need you to understand or are speaking to you, why should they? If whomever they are speaking to is the sole intended recipient of their conversation, there's nothing wrong with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Several couples have been bringing laptops into the kitchen/living room and listening to videos or podcasts on them. I find the additional noise, often in a language I do not understand, unpleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, unless this is a case of them taking up all of the space, for long periods of time, with the noise being excessively loud (i.e loud enough that it can be heard in your own room or other communal areas to such a degree that it cannot be blocked out or avoided during a period in which you can't go somewhere else)- then this stops being an issue of being unfair, but of your personal preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's too loud, ask them to turn it down. If it's in another language, this is a moot point- you aren't involved. If it's for too long, speak to them about fair usage of the common areas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also the fact that they seem to be occupying a table in the middle of the room for their personal meeting for an hour+ just gets in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is a common area being used up daily for an hour, or even two- unless this is affecting you, is this actually a problem? Unless there's a scheduled activity you need the space for, is this actually a problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I ask them not to do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like you would with any other person- reasonably, fairly and politely. But first, ask yourself- do I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to? as a lot of this seems to be more down to you being uncomfortable with the shared living arrangements with people that don't speak English rather than an actual &quot;issue&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would also like them to try to be a bit more discreet in the sense it's not very comfortable sitting down to eat dinner beside a couple who appear to be having a business meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't matter what they're doing, if you're eating Dinner at the same time each day while they do this you have two options- either change the time you have dinner, or speak with them about possibly altering the time they do this activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Appearances can be decieving, could it not be that they're talking with friends and family? Bear in mind that from their view, if it's actually that- it could be the only time of day they can speak to them- see both sides of the story here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I tried bringing up the subject by saying &quot;what are you watching&quot; and they replied &quot;why&quot; (which btw I find rude) and I said &quot;curious&quot; and they said &quot;a YouTube video&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From their point of view, someone who doesn't speak their language who could well appear generally irritated at them in general who then starts for all intents and purposes poking their nose in, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; would be the one who is coming over as rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In my old home sometimes roommates would put on music in the kitchen but I guess this is different because everyone enjoyed it without speaking the language and it wasn't done excessively. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I refer you back to the very first thing I quoted- you are living somewhere with people that are, apparently, predominantly &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; speaking English, they are internationally diverse. You can't expect people from other countries, with other languages, to necessarily co-habit somewhere without some friction unless you deploy some understanding and a reasonable attitude towards it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find since they are speaking a language I don't understand I don't want to interrupt at a bad moment or be insensitive, since they could potentially be discussing something very serious or sensitive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't matter if they're discussing private, personal and delicate things or just waht they had for breakfast- the important thing is from how you've phrased things, it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; coming over as you being very insensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to modify your expectations of living with international tenants if you want to continue living where you are comfortably, you also need to speak with them and in a way that is fair and understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far it's come over very much as though you are offended that they choose to speak their own language when not talking to you- which let's face it, is rude of &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. If you're intolerant of it, then you need to consider somewhere else to stay- if this isn't possible, you need to alter your attitude or learn to tolerate it more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless there's a regular, unfair and loud use of space in common areas and the conditions are such that you feel you can't reasonably relax in your own room, you don't have much of a case here for being upset. All of this can be resolved by speaking with the other tenants- it doesn't need to even bear thinking of the landlord in this equation unless the tenants are being deliberately unfair on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17200" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T10:38:10.587" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T10:38:10.587" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13513" CreationDate="2018-04-26T11:09:22.840" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The long and the short of this is that your friend, though your own statement, is having difficulty paying rent but this is through your joint &quot;investment&quot;- irrespective of what this is, the important thing is them earning money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tackle this one point at a time:-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though you've stated that it's not really a problem, there needs to be an agreed on timescale going on here, so have you got an idea on when exactly this investment is going to lead to something? Is the housemate actively working at all? Do they have any income whatsoever? If this is something you can agree on, it will make things smoother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The SO is the real problem here- she wasn't present when you and your housemate spoke about rent, employment and the &quot;no big issue&quot; rent being mentioned. You agreed for her to move in, but was anything ever said about her and the rent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Important bearing here is where you stand in terms of legality and the place itself- is it yours? Co-rented with the housemate? Is there any documentation at all? Has anyone signed anything? If it's just you and the housemate, then she'll need something in writing if she wants to take this situation further than &quot;hissy fit&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I would speak to the housemate, clear up the employment and rent issues- agree on something solid and work off that foundation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, get the SO involved- state that although you were happy for the housemate to be here, it was with an understanding and agreement between the two of you regarding employment and rent; she was allowed to be here as well- but this is under the understanding that she contributes towards the rent and that there's to be no interference regarding your housemate and work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A clear divide is awkward to work through the realities of but needs to be made- this SO seems to be manipulative and not afraid to make it clear she'll throw her toys out of the pram if she's not getting her way. It would be best to speak to the housemate first and build off them as a start before moving onto her- assuming that you get on well enough it may be worth approaching the topic of her before speaking with her, just make him aware of why you feel it's necessary and explain your reasons behind it- this way if she tries to spark off the situation, you'll have a safety net of sorts as he'll already know what this was about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it helps at all, going back to the legal standing and documentation- depending on what your footing is like and if she makes it clear that things aren't going to work out- you'll have to use this card. Unless she's an approved tenant on paperwork- she has no right to be there. Even if she &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt;, depending on if this place is yours or not, give her notice to leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand this isn't ideal but as much as you might want everyone to get along nicely, if she isn't going to meet you halfway and uses the housemate as a weapon against you, it may not be possible to go any other way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the arrangement was working well enough between you and the housemate, but the SO has complicated matters. It's not necessary to be hostile with her, but depending on how she's wanting to let this play out, after all is said, you may want to be sure you've explored some options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hitting the title question, though:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speak to him. He's not going to know or understand any of this without you putting your point over, so do so. Unless you're going as far as recording her saying things to you, one would hope that your word of mouth is sufficient enough to get the point to him that things need to change. She wasn't part of your understanding regarding rent, her mentioning or being involved in work matters between you isn't appreciated and go from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17200" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T11:09:22.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13653" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13659" CreationDate="2018-04-26T11:11:12.387" Score="52" ViewCount="15139" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a very calm person. You can insult or harass me a long time before I actually react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But when I react, I tend to go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds (think, from looking visibly displeased to heavy physical altercation). I'm not one to look for trouble and my initial reaction to harassement is to try to remove myself from the equation, as there is often no point in trying to debate with someone who just wants to ruin your day. But as you know, it isn't always so simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today, I was in such a situation. I couldn't just walk away. I was at boiling point, so I gave out a last warning but, under my anger, I feel like I wasn't very good at explaining the situation clearly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounded something like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Look, go away now or you wont like what's coming.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily, in this particular instance, the situation resolved itself by the intervention of an external force (a passing cop). Without this intervention, I feel like it would have escalated as the offender didn't really understand my meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;How should I phrase a last warning (or threat) so that it can hopefully make the situation deescalate ?&lt;/strong&gt; (or that I can at least say &quot;I warned you&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give a bit of context, let's say the person I'm talking to is a relative stranger and we are in a public setting (on the street, in the park or at a bus stop.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT : I don't ever get in such a situation with people I like, people who bring me to this level of anger can't possibly be my friends. So I'm not looking to &quot;be nice and friendly&quot; with my interlocutor. I'm trying to give them a last chance to back off before I smash their head in, because I really don't like hitting people (nor do they like that.) but I'll do it if they are looking for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17201" LastEditorUserId="17201" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T13:07:27.917" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T14:38:22.277" Title="How to effectively give out a last warning?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13654" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-26T11:13:53.460" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, more or less you have answered yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Stop, this is my last warning. I mean, seriously, it's the last. I don't like this and I want you to stop now doing [whatever is he/she doing that upset you].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is very clear, no misunderstanding is possible about you are seriously requesting to not continue, and if the other person continue, you can say that you clearly warned him/her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person didn't really wanted to annoy you, but he did unintentionally, for sure he/she will understand. If he/she wanted to annoy you, he will stop if it wasn't his intention to escalate, but he will escalate if it was (in this case, there was not very much you could do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: because OP edition&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you intend to physically attack the other person, you shouldn't say it at this point, since you are making the last attempt of solve peacefully the problem, so try not to look agressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't work DON'T ATTACK HIM, better leave if you can. If you are really going to attack him (what you mustn't), verbally threat him first (this would be the last attempt to avoid a fight, but not peacefully).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17198" LastEditorUserId="17198" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T18:34:54.060" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T18:34:54.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13644" CreationDate="2018-04-26T11:19:35.197" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me give you some personal experiences I had:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have lived in two types of flats with internationals. The first one was for only a month, and all the others where Chinese people. Naturally, they spoke chinese with each other, and of course they met up in the common area (also with TV and videos). While they were all kind and polite to me, I always felt like an intruder if they switched to english, or ignored if they did not. That led to me not using the social areas much, and then to searching for a new place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my current setting, there are only internationals as well, but with a wide span of different nations. Thus, we all speak english to each other, and the feeling of living there is amazing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could have spent more effort into sozializing at the first place, but I honestly don't think it would have helped. Making them not use the social place for watching movies together would have been impossible (and quite rude).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the answer to all your problems there (that worked out really well for me): Move to a new place, make sure there is high diversity of nations, and enjoy all the experienced from different cultures they might share with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4291" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T11:19:35.197" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-26T11:24:23.467" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless you're afraid of looking cheap - something I really don't care in a situation like this, where &lt;strong&gt;politeness&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;straightforwardness&lt;/strong&gt; are always more important - what's wrong with:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;How much does it cost?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; or  &quot;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Is it free?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't over complicate something simple, just ask or check the menu, if the product isn't listed, it's normally free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Some table-mates said nothing, but I could feel their disapproval of me&#xA;  and disappointment.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you &quot;&lt;em&gt;could feel&lt;/em&gt;&quot; was probably your &quot;guilty feeling&quot; for not asking the food.&#xA;Don't try to guess feelings or thoughts of others, it's a &lt;em&gt;dangerous game&lt;/em&gt; and most of the time you're wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my mother country (Portugal), body language, body contact (arms/hands), eye expression, among other specific cultural codes, talk louder than words, based on this, I'd look the waiter with a &lt;em&gt;cute&lt;/em&gt; interrogation expression and ask:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&quot;&lt;em&gt;Is it free?!&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, i.e.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/q1iD3.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/q1iD3.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Man making a facial expression&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pic is only a mean to get &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; attention to the fact that &lt;strong&gt;genuine empathy&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;politeness&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;straightforwardness&lt;/strong&gt; are powerful arguments everywhere and &lt;em&gt;acknowledged&lt;/em&gt; very fast by the &lt;em&gt;other side&lt;/em&gt;, arguments against which there are normally not many &lt;em&gt;counter-measures&lt;/em&gt;, besides replying with a smile to a smile, with courtesy to courtesy and so on. If this doesn't happen, something is sure, you've done &lt;em&gt;everything right&lt;/em&gt; and your interlocutor is definitively on the wrong &lt;em&gt;side of the game&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10298" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-24T07:58:33.480" LastActivityDate="2018-12-24T07:58:33.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3932" CreationDate="2018-04-26T12:16:59.403" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally, you shouldn't have gotten seated at your table if your partner has not arrived and most places would have a waiting area or a bar for this purpose. You may also ask the host to delay seating you by informing them your companion has not arrived. If you do end up at a table, it would usually be okay for you to order an appetizer. If your companion is over an half hour late without contacting you, most people would have paid for their drinks/appetizer and leave. And if they habitually do this, you should reconsider ever making dining plans with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8309" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T12:16:59.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-26T12:20:27.470" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;The critical thing here is that neither of you feel blamed for the tension between you. If the person you're talking to feels like you're saying, &quot;This is your fault,&quot; likely, you won't end with a resolution, it'll just make them feel angrier than they already are. On the other hand, if you take the responsibility for the tension, it will likely make you feel that much closer to your boiling point. That's what I don't like about phrasing like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but you've pushed me too far.&lt;/s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&#xA;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't take this anymore, just stop.&lt;/s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, the technique I have used a couple times is something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, this has gone beyond a healthy discussion, so I'm ending this conversation right now.  We can talk later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to continue the conversation with them, you can do a slightly altered approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, this has gone beyond a healthy conversation; I'm terminating this discussion right now.  Let's talk about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then simply don't reply to &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; they say.  If there is any possible way that you can walk away from the person (use any excuse, going to the bathroom or otherwise), a couple minutes just to cool down will likely do a load of good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastEditorUserId="123" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T12:36:51.653" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T12:36:51.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-26T12:26:09.910" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem is that your boyfriend's family is part of the pack. You can't avoid it. Also, you know that we Spaniards are normally very close to our families, maybe more than in other countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, he can't choose to have a different family and he doesn't want to cut his relationship with his family, despite their defects, as you neither want to do it with yours. You neither can request him to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that you don't need to see your boyfriend's family very often, this is an advantage for you that makes things much more easier. However, you should try to do it sometimes, even if you don't like because probably it is important for your boyfriend. How would you feel if he were always refusing to visit your family?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the treatment they give to you is not acceptable, and is something that you wouldn't need to stop by yourself. I think you should speak with your boyfriend very clearly, and tell him all this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;explain him how do you feel when they do this kind of things to you (and give him a list of examples)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;request him to defend you always this type of situations happen in the future (see below)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he says that you are exaggerating, tell him that you don't mind if he thinks that. If he doesn't complain with point 2, you will never visit his family. Explain him that you are open to visit his family because it is important for him, so you make the effort but only if he helps you in this way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remark that you are not open to reasoning nor negotiating this point. He defend you, or you won't visit his family.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should he defend you? When they make something not appropiate to you, he should AUTOMATICALLY tell them to stop doing it, without you having to request his help or you having to tell his family to stop. It seems that they doesn't mind very much if you get upset, but they might mind if your boyfriend does. And he should tell them very clearly that he doesn't mind if they were joking, or whatever, they should let you alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite all this, there are 2 different group of problems:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Behaviors of your boyfriend's family that affect you: for example the issue of the dog. This is a case where your boyfriend should defend you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Behaviors that doesn't affect you: for example when his mother says that he loves you more than her, or that she's very alone. Just ignore this kind of things and let your boyfriend to handle them (unless they start affecting you in any way). Even if his mother get angry with you because you texted her instead of calling, why do you care? She's not your friend, you don't like each other, just ignore it (don't even bother to tell it to your boyfriend, it doesn't worth it, you only can to start an argument with him with nothing to win).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in the end, remember that you will have to deal with his family, you can't avoid them forever if you stay with your boyfriend for decades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: you should be also understanding with your boyfriend. Probably he is not comfortable at all with the situation, but he doesn't know how to deal with this because he doesn't want to have conflict with any of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17198" LastEditorUserId="17198" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T12:42:01.947" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T12:42:01.947" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-26T12:31:43.040" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;An important skill might be to learn how to spot the time frame at around 50&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But when I react, I tend to go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point you will have more control. You must know that what the person is saying/doing is displeasing you, even if you aren't angry yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't wait until you are angry.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, for the stock phrases section, any of the others suggested really, but as you aren't angry yet, they will sound less threatening as you will still have control over your voice, face etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But how about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't think we will agree on this so how about a conversation change&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see a conversation coming up that you know will be triggering for you, an example for me would be Brexit.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Once it is established the person is not on the same side of the debate as yourself, as soon as you realise they are not an eloquent debater who may raise interesting alternative points that will encourage you to think, then is the time to step in.&#xA;Before they state the killer line that you know is coming and that there is no returning from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="11738" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T14:52:15.240" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T14:52:15.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13662" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13663" CreationDate="2018-04-26T12:38:37.360" Score="2" ViewCount="1554" Body="&lt;p&gt;I brought a family member over to my house. One of my roommates was home and my relative smiled at him, said hi and waved. He just stood there and stared without waving back. He definitely saw and heard him. It would make me feel better knowing why he didn't say hi back. How can I ask this without sounding confrontational? I know some people can be shy but not even waving back is a bit much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The roommate is in his 20s and belongs to Filipino. His English is fine. FWIW all Filipino people I've met have been very friendly and good in social situations so I doubt it's a cultural thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T09:15:44.700" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T11:03:53.487" Title="How to politely ask someone why they didn't say hi back?" Tags="&lt;greetings&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13662" CreationDate="2018-04-26T13:02:56.943" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to politely ask someone why they didn't say hi back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could simply ask what they thought of your relative.&#xA;You could then go on to explain they are very friendly, and&#xA;like interacting with others, so you wondered if this came&#xA;across in the wrong way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some cultures you can only talk to people older than yourself&#xA;if they initiate a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking about family will bring out any issues that may be under&#xA;the surface.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue here is to identify the reason why the friend did not&#xA;respond as expected.  Rather than opening the conversation with talking&#xA;about the interaction, which is a behaviour rules approach and often&#xA;comes across as judgemental, one can approach the subject on cause and&#xA;effect.  The cause of the behaviour could be a miss-understanding of the&#xA;individual, so starting with how they came across is a neutral enquiry&#xA;which can be handled sensitively depending on the response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="16994" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T11:03:53.487" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T11:03:53.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13664" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13662" CreationDate="2018-04-26T13:10:19.193" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This happened to me once not too long ago - except I was the person who didn't say hi back.  In my case, I noticed that the person said hi, but I was really engrossed in a scheduling issue.  It didn't register until the person was gone that they had said hi to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, it resulted in a bit of a stress in our relationship, as the next time, they acted a bit distant.  Fortunately, I was able to resolve that by apologizing for what had happened and explaining myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point of what I'm saying here is &lt;em&gt;you have to distinguish between behaviour and intention.&lt;/em&gt;  There are a thousand reasons why they could have done this once.  If it's a regular occurrence, then you can start asking questions. At that point, I'd recommend broaching the subject casually, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Say, it seems you're a bit distant from my [family relation].  Any particular reason?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to emphasize, though, &lt;em&gt;if this has only happened once or twice, let it blow over.&lt;/em&gt; You don't know what his reasons are, and it will likely simply produce stress to broach the subject, as it could very easily come across as defensiveness of your family member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T13:10:19.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13644" CreationDate="2018-04-26T13:18:11.617" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to ask roommates not to use so much of common spaces for personal&#xA;  meetings&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An interesting question.  The best way common areas are used is by&#xA;people showing respect to one another.  But to show such respect&#xA;one has first to to know and interact with others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a community where people come and go it is often a moving situation&#xA;depending on who is in and what is going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found by simply interacting, and asking about people, where&#xA;they are from etc. it soon becomes obvious these areas are not private&#xA;and cannot be used for exclusive activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one behaves like the other parties are dominating the situation and&#xA;one just withdraws, they can easily get the impression there is no problem&#xA;with their exclusive behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After making contact with the individuals, you could raise the question of&#xA;the difficulty of common areas, and how your group has resolved it.&#xA;Shared use of the fridge, cooking is often a good starting place.  One&#xA;could also talk about who is in when, and how the spaces tend to be &#xA;used over the week.  You could emphasis the security risks, you could advise&#xA;them not to leave valuables around because often visitors come and go,&#xA;and things have gone missing in the passed.  This should be enough to&#xA;give them a real idea about what is expected and what is reasonable in a &#xA;polite way showing concern for their welfare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T13:18:11.617" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13562" CreationDate="2018-04-26T13:22:19.653" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Coming from a similar culture from Portugal and even being of an older generation, I can perfectly affirm the behavior described is pretty much abusive and appalling even by our relaxed Iberian standards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not tolerate people putting in risk my physical integrity with a dog, or actually giving far much more importance to a dog than me, and certainly not rummaging through my personal belongings, even less in my own house (please, do tell me she has not a key to your apartment). It also not kosher at all you do not have any rights at all, because &quot;you are not family&quot;. I would pack my things and go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, the bigger problem here is that your boyfriend never established boundaries with his family and affirmed himself, and as such he is not respected [as an adult].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had many fights with my family since I was 16 to establish personal boundaries. Even in my 30s I went without talking with my parents for 6 months, because they started being abusive after I ended up a relationship with someone they liked, and started a new relationship with someone else, and I knew they can be mean when they do not like someone, either when they are right or wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO, besides yourself, it is up for your boyfriend to be a man and stand up for you &lt;em&gt;if he is a worthy partner&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others advice, I would keep my distance from his family, but I would also have a very serious talk with him. He needs to stop being a boy and start behaving like a man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, as for people often trying to get your nerves using others as a proxy (e.g. your boyfriend), it is quite easy to solve. &quot;If they are not talking directly to me, I do not want to know about it.&quot; Used quite effectively this line over the years, both in family and work situations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your bf also should have the wisdom to curtail being the messenger of such pettiness, or even tell his mother he is not really that interested in hearing bad comments about yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably keep my distance until xmas, but that is just me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for solving the problem, it will have to be your boyfriend dealing with his mother bad behavior and not you, if you do not want to affect your relationship. If he really loves you and wants to keep you both dealing with his family, he will have to make that effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS/comment: When I was younger, I left a relationship with someone mainly because she chose to be all the time with her father rather than with me pretty much when she was not busy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I could regret anything, it would be the relationships opportunities I lost and the time I was alone in weekends and summer holidays over the 10 years we were dating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She would tell me that if we married things would be different, I never believed it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not spend &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; the weekends stuck in his mother's home - life is short. Young age without much responsibilities goes by very fast, enjoy it while you can. Book some small holidays over several weekends - enjoy taking a ride out of town.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T10:18:35.473" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T10:18:35.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13643" CreationDate="2018-04-26T13:29:53.653" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer should be a no brainier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your time has a value. and you also have bills to pay. Define a price for your services and charge accordingly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When such a old timer friend contact out of blue, tell them your change x per hour, or tell them to define the service, and you will sell them a pro-forma invoice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, I absolutely refuse to do computer maintenance to friends, and refer them to a computer shop. I usually tell them I only deal with Macs and Linux.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I am asked for a professional opinion by friends in the industry, I wont mind to give them some clues what to research, but if it involves more than that, and actual work, I will bill the service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not let yourself being abused. People usually do not work for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. There is a saying in my mother tongue related to this &quot;Work is work, cognac is cognac.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T21:36:23.497" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T21:36:23.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13644" CreationDate="2018-04-26T13:31:51.453" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have the impression you are mainly inconvenienced by their meetings because you are trying not to disturb them and the foreign languages bother you because you feel you need to socialize with your room mates. If this is true, then the simple solution to this is to just&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;use the common room as you would otherwise. It's a common room. It's your good right to use it and make a normal amount of noise (like washing the dishes or whatever you need to do)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't try too much to socialize with people who knowingly speak a language you don't understand. If it's just convenience and they have interest in talking to you, then they'll switch to yours when you try to join the conversation. If they don't, they clearly have no interest in socializing with you at that time. Try at some other time when they show more interest&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be that you aren't living in the right kind of shared house. Some people are just in it for the money (maybe against their will because they simply don't have enough to live on their own), while other people are in it for the company. You sound like the latter kind, the behavior you describe in your room mates sounds more typical of the former.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="436" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T13:31:51.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13580" CreationDate="2018-04-26T13:37:04.700" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, no there aren't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been married for about 30 years now, and have been hit on twice (that I've noticed. I'm kinda dense about those things). Both times I happened to not be wearing the ring due having just exercised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How big of a problem that is, that's up to you I guess. But &lt;strong&gt;the ring is society's accepted standard way&lt;/strong&gt; of signaling that you are in a committed relationship. There's no other obvious way of finding out you aren't interested in a relationship &lt;em&gt;without physically asking you&lt;/em&gt;.  If you have to &lt;em&gt;tell&lt;/em&gt; someone you are married, even in casual conversation, &lt;em&gt;the approach has already occurred&lt;/em&gt;. A ring is the non-verbal signaling that is used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm seeing a lot of people do these days who don't like the drawbacks of wearing traditional wedding rings is use &lt;strong&gt;silicone wedding bands&lt;/strong&gt;. They aren't nearly as dangerous to the wearer as a metal ring, come in a variety of colors, and are so cheap you can buy several for different occasions/outfits&lt;sup&gt;*&lt;/sup&gt;. Some people even sell them in variety packs. Pictured below is a pack I found for sale online for only $11.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/ppenr.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/ppenrm.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;A picture of various plastic rings&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a nice silver/gray one that I can wear working out now (so much for that problem!). I also wear it for everyday use. At my age my fingers and knuckles swell a bit after a full day's use, making a rigid metal ring uncomfortable to wear, and a huge pain to remove. My old gold wedding ring I now only wear when I dress up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;* - Black seems to be the hipster color du jour. Camo ones I see around in Oklahoma a lot too.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-17T18:25:00.167" LastActivityDate="2019-01-17T18:25:00.167" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-26T13:41:48.337" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to effectively give out a last warning?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very interesting situation.  In the past I would have tried&#xA;to use humour or distraction and then make my exit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are though individuals who are seriously disturbed and can choose&#xA;to provoke for the sake of it.  Some of these situations, when knives are&#xA;involved lead to fatal consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So avoidance, being totally passive, and looking for ways to distance&#xA;myself from the cause is the no 1 objective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is impossible, a simple explanation of what I am trying to&#xA;achieve would be stated.  If this was to no avail and full on conflict&#xA;was likely, I would ask what is their objective, and what are they looking&#xA;for.  I would then approach them and ask about something just behind them,&#xA;while they are distracted make my exit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving away too much information about what you can and cannot do does&#xA;not help, because it is provocative in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could use a mobile phone to take a call, and then excuse yourself&#xA;because you have to hurry and meet someone who is just round the corner,&#xA;giving your apologies for the intervention of the call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another approach is to go up to the nearest stranger and start a conversation&#xA;as if you know them or go into a shop or the front door of a house, to show&#xA;the provocation will have to escalate if it is going to proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Playing the game that the other party has failed to provoke you,&#xA;and you have just miss-understood everything they are doing confuses&#xA;them, because often these people rely on intimidation and fear and&#xA;are thrown if this is clearly not working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had two young guys trying to mug me once asking for a light.  I was&#xA;dressed casually so they had no way of measuring the benefit or not&#xA;of progressing things.  I just apologised that I did not have anything&#xA;like that and just carried on.  Because I ignored any implications of&#xA;what they were doing, they did not know what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T13:41:48.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13630" CreationDate="2018-04-26T13:57:30.170" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple solution.&#xA;Every task should have a written solution, and steps to take.&#xA;Suggest with them walking through some simple scenarios with how you deal with it and how they deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will soon learn if they are incompetent, or just too nervous.&#xA;It could be they are not cut out to have the level of social interaction your role demands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T13:57:30.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13644" CreationDate="2018-04-26T14:01:33.557" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;After your edit, I think your best course of action is to address this part first: &lt;strong&gt;I think what I find uncomfortable about it is I don't know how serious their business is (since I can't understand any)&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would bother me too. Using a common area for serious things from time to time is ok, but since you don't know if you need to be quiet or not &lt;em&gt;each time&lt;/em&gt;, you end up trying to be quiet &lt;em&gt;every time&lt;/em&gt;. You can't ask them to stay out of the common room, but you can ask them to let you know when their business is serious. I think you can try saying something like this to a roommate:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey! A few times lately I feel like I've been banging around in the kitchen while you've been having a meeting. &#xA;  Would you mind letting me know if you're planning a business meeting or something similar so I can make sure to stay out of your hair? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I wouldn't even bring the language barrier up. Regardless of language, it's good practice for a roommate to let people know when they need a certain room. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From here, you just have to operate under the assumption that they're not doing something you can't interrupt unless they tell you otherwise.&#xA;A common space is a shared space; if your roommates are watching a youtube video, it's perfectly reasonable to use the kitchen. If you need to be mindful of what they're doing though, hopefully they should let you know now! At the very least, you've put the ball in their court. It's their burden now to keep you in the loop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T14:01:33.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13675" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3932" CreationDate="2018-04-26T14:10:45.163" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the question &quot;Is it acceptable to order food at a restaurant if the person you are meeting is late?&quot; has a clear answer: yes. Is the other person who is being unrespectful making you to wait for a long time, so no one can blame you for starting without him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I will add that you may want to wait in some cases:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Small delays: what is an acceptable delay (which is another of your questions) is depending on the culture. I'm Spaniard and 10 - 15 minutes is considered acceptable, normally.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Long delay of someone who usually arrives on time to your meetings. Anybody can have a mistake sometimes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Justified delays: if the other person report you that he's delaying because of a reason that justifies enough the delay, like an unexpected traffic jam, for example.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this cases you may want to order if you are hungry. You can tell the other &quot;hey, sorry but I already ordered because I was really hungry&quot;. This way you make clear that you are not reproaching his delay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I would never wait to a person that almost always get late. In this cases, if I don't want to stop meeting up with this person, I order the lunch with the only intention to make clear to the order person that I am upset, but I don't want to be always telling him/her about this topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my friends is always late when we meet up for dinner, so when everybody excluding her has arrived we order the dinner. Additionally, when she finally arrives and before she sits down, we sing her &quot;happy birthday&quot; loudly, so everybody in the restaurant looks at her, and she feels embarrassed (this doesn't stop her from doing it, but at least she feels bad for a moment). You may not want to do this being alone, but well, these are my 2 cents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are totally allowed to leave if you want for very long unjustified delays. I suggest to call or message the other person asking if he's arriving soon, and if he doesn't answer, I suggest to message him telling that you're leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17198" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T14:10:45.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13676" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13643" CreationDate="2018-04-26T14:18:07.073" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is this really a question about love language?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We do things for many different reasons, and use excuses for making contact and&#xA;reaching out to others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We may also be unaware that our way of relating is by helping others, or shared&#xA;experiences, which when the interest dies, is thought of as a burden, when &#xA;actually that was what was happening all the time, except now we view it differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some also like playing the needy role while other the supportive provider.&#xA;If all our contacts are founded on this type of role playing, it does &#xA;wear thin if it does not develop into something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to change things is just to spend time with others for the&#xA;sake of sharing common experiences and being encouraging to each other.&#xA;If this is not possible, maybe this is not actually about friendship&#xA;at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T14:18:07.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13677" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13495" CreationDate="2018-04-26T14:29:50.987" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just say &quot;I am called Thomas not Tom like Thomas the tank engine and not Tom like the cat.  Never could get over that association&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making something memorable is always helpful, because most people easily forget names, so a mental image often helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turning it into a joke about names, often removes the issue of being rude or impolite, as laughter relaxes us and helps us open up to new ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T14:29:50.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13679" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13687" CreationDate="2018-04-26T15:12:04.850" Score="10" ViewCount="1458" Body="&lt;p&gt;Among a circle of friends (mostly in our mid-to-late 20s), one of us is called 'Hugh'. We have been friends for several years without any falling-outs. Whether it is only the two of us meeting or in a larger group, Hugh is generally friendly and talkative. He also shares a lot of common interests with others in our group. Over time though, he has developed a few quirks that have become a little frustrating, our mutual friends have confided in me that they have started finding them annoying too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These include but are not limited to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not saying &amp;quot;thank you&amp;quot; for anything. In one example, his then-SO gave him an expensive birthday present and he said nothing in response to it. There were a few others present and it resulted in a long awkward silence.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even when being spoken directly to, he will sometimes space out and start singing to himself. It takes a wave or raised voice to make him realise he is still in the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He deliberatly keeps his hands in his pockets to avoid touching&#xA;doors. He neither holds doors open for people nor opens them himself.&#xA;I have even seen him get stuck against a closing door while doing&#xA;this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When invited to someone else's home, he will generally not tidy up&#xA;after himself and openly complain about relatively trivial things such as the complexity of a wi-fi password or if hosts ask their guests to take their shoes off, just to give some examples.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have been friends long enough that Hugh and I have been comfortable talking about a number of personal things over the years. One time when he was over, he left some litter on my couch so I politely but firmly asked him to bin them, a less firm suggestion was ignored. He then spoke about how I and others have been &amp;quot;bullying&amp;quot; him about these things and others. He is convinced that the way he behaves is not in any way rude and that he suspects he is being excluded from some gatherings for these reasons (currently unverified). This response has since occurred with other minor instances. If they were isolated incidents, I could understand if our friends and I were making mountains out of molehills, but Hugh's seemingly ignorant behaviour is far more commonplace than he realises. There are times when he will give a strained apology but repeat the behaviour the following day. I have told him that I only mention it to him as a friend, and that I'd worry in case he does these things to others - such as workplace colleagues - who may not be so accommodating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know his unawareness &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; be due to an obscure or diagnosed psychological issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How can I explain to an adult that bringing up rude behaviour is not to bully him?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user8671" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T15:40:20.333" Title="How to make an adult aware that commenting on their rude behaviour is not necessarily bullying?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13630" CreationDate="2018-04-26T15:32:42.857" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a fairly familiar situation to me, having 17 years experience in 2nd and 3rd line support, and later in management of 1st-3rd lines. You have my sympathies!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all though, lets give this guy the benefit of the doubt. You reckon he has bluffed his way into this role, and I've seen plenty of that myself. But equally I have seen people with university degrees in various fields of computing and lists of Microsoft certificates as long as your arm who are equally incompetent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One problem that many have in the transition between IT theory and practice is a shift in terminology and jargon. At college people learn the most up to date terminology, but in the workplace people either use older terms that they are familiar with, or in certain sectors there is a whole new set of terminology to use that is not necessarily IT related but necessary to understand the business. You mention that he asks questions he ought to be Googling, but he may not know what words to Google!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really your department should have its own knowledge base and all known issues and fixes should be documented, even basic ones. If you haven't then that is something to consider, but is he even aware that there are online knowledge bases?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everybody learns differently and are at different levels. &quot;Coaching&quot; may just be the word you use to describe any on-the-job training, but actually the word describes a particular kind of training - coaching, counseling, mentoring and consulting are all very different and you may need to adjust your style a little bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally find that people like you describe - less qualified than perhaps they had you believe - are scared that they will be &quot;found out&quot; and so the bluffs continue. They never really admit to what they don't know so you can never really know whether they have understood what you told them. You are not getting genuine feedback on their progression, so no wonder you become frustrated when it turns out they can't do something you already showed them how to do!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best advice is to try create an atmosphere where they are not afraid to admit what they don't know. This is a business, so I recommend being firm but fair. At the earliest appropriate opportunity tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There is a lot to learn in this job. We have all had to learn, and I'm&#xA;  always happy to explain things. But that only works if you're honest&#xA;  about what you don't know. If you don't understand something, you must&#xA;  say so. Nobody will think less of you if you haven't come across&#xA;  something before. It is far worse when people are embarrassed and try&#xA;  to bluff their way through something, because most of the guys around&#xA;  here really know their stuff and they instantly know when someone is&#xA;  bluffing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't meant to come over as a threat, but a dose of reality. People who know the job well &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; know when he's bluffing or screwing up. He might think he's getting away with it, or that &quot;best endeavours&quot; are good enough. Hopefully this comparison to his peers will encourage him to fix his attitude in that regard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time they ask you a reasonable question, try not to show your irritation, and say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This problem comes up quite a lot, let me explain it to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And at every step of the way, check if they understand. It may be less confrontational to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you come across this before?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...rather than:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you know what this means?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does sound like this employee will take more time to learn than others. Getting him to admit that he doesn't know things, assuring him that he &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; ask questions and you &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; help when appropriate are your best chance at him learning his way. Of course, he can't ask you everything and you also need to direct him to online knowledge bases, and yes, tell him that Google is his friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T15:32:42.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13681" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5504" CreationDate="2018-04-26T16:31:43.167" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say it's unfair to necessarily target Europeans in this situation as this is down more to the individuals than their point of origin in particular. I've had friends in Universities (and as a chosen method of living even in full time work) and most if not all have gotten on absoutely fine with theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't an example of &quot;well they got on fine so should you&quot;, as conversely it just appears you've had a number of bad experiences with bad housemates- bearing in mind that those in shared accomodation sometimes choose it due to circumstances, but more often due to the lifestyle itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some, it's a lot like living with a family again- only where you'd like to think that this is a companionship and shared-effort situation, some of these characters do so more because they like someone to &quot;mother&quot; them to some degree and hope others will do the work and they can find some way of avoiding it altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't worry about European housemates at all- it's down to the individuals rather than anything else. If there's any kind of a &quot;grace&quot; period or &quot;probation&quot; that new housemates go through, this would be perfect to get to know what they're like then refer to the landlord if there's any problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not nice to have to move that far as, obviously, not that anyone enjoys it but mediating or having to deal with confrontation of bad behaviour is never pleasant- but the sooner that you make it clear (either by yourself or with the others to back you up) the sooner they'll be encouraged to either stop it or to move on somewhere they can get away with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say if you can get into the good graces of your landlords, this always helps- not just so you have a friend in a good place, but they'll provide you with solid, good refrences for the future and also be someone trustworthy they can rely on to let them know if there's any trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17200" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T16:31:43.167" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13682" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-26T17:17:00.667" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;My preferred tactic in these situations is to ask, &quot;Where is that on the menu?&quot;.  This works in situations where there is a question about price, or dietary restrictions.  You don't need to indicate for which reason you are asking.  Personally sometimes I ask this question because I want to know price, sometimes because I want to read the description of an item.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another question that will serve could be, &quot;What's the additional cost?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My experience with using these questions is limited to the United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7558" LastEditorUserId="7558" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T14:40:28.940" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T14:40:28.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-26T17:19:34.473" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;An AI is designed to respond to inputs, but humans do a much better job at filtering those inputs and interpreting them in context.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I sometimes do is begin saying something and while in the middle of the sentence, move the phone away from my mouth and cough a couple of times.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An AI will usually respond fairly quickly with an &quot;I didn't understand that&quot; message (they tend to trigger when they stop detecting sound that decodes to speech).  A human will recognize the sound as a cough and let you come back and finish your sentence.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding a &quot;pardon me&quot; when returning and then picking up where you left off in the sentence results in an overall sentence that sounds natural enough for a human to understand easily.  When a speech-to-text engine tries to parse that sentence, it will get an undecipherable mess and likely ask for clarification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7857" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-02T16:40:59.220" LastActivityDate="2019-01-02T16:40:59.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13685" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-26T18:11:37.367" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;You really shouldn't be looking to make your last warning as effective as possible.  You should be looking to develop warnings which you can give before that to deflect the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The lifestyle you describe of being someone who is almost always calm, but then ramps rapidly seems desirable.  In fact, in many ways it is desirable.  However, it has a fatal flaw, which is the knife's edge.  There's a point where you flip the switch from 0 to 100, and everyone has to see what that means.  This means everyone around you needs to be aware of exactly where this point is ahead of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tricky thing with signs like &quot;last warnings&quot; is that they don't have just one interpretation.  Consider this situation: you pick some &quot;last warning.&quot;  Just for fun, I'm going to choose Bruce Banner's &quot;You won't like me when I'm angry.&quot;  Now you use that &lt;em&gt;just once&lt;/em&gt; around my toddler.  My toddler will see how we responded and &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt; commit that phrase to memory.  Whenever she wants a yogurt or her favorite doll, she'll immediately spout &quot;You won't like me when I'm angry,&quot; trying to get the same reaction out of us as you got out of us with the same phrase.  Needless to say, after she uses it a few times (and the cuteness runs out), that phrase will lose meaning with us.  When you use it, it won't be as big of a deal... which is a problem.  Now you have to come up with a new phrase.  My toddler has taken the steam out of your last warning.  (toddlers take the steam out of a lot of things...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So society never really gives you a good closed-form &quot;last warning.&quot;  They just don't exist.  What you should focus on is what &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/13661/486&quot;&gt;WendyG mentioned&lt;/a&gt;: don't focus on the last warning before you flip to 100, focus on what you might say and do at 50.  Practice things which can be done without going to 100, and from which you can return.  More importantly, practice things which you can return from &lt;em&gt;even if they don't immediately comply with your wishes.&lt;/em&gt;  There is no guarantee in life that you can get what you want.  That's just how it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want a good &quot;last warning,&quot; it has to be personal.  Not just personal to you, personal to them.  A last warning needs to be something that strikes them deep in their soul, and that is always a personal thing.  It can't be something that someone gave you on the internet.  We can't even really point you in the right direction, because the right direction is 100% specific to the particular person you are warning.  It needs to be something personal enough that they can translate whatever you say and do as &quot;Up to this point, I have treated you as a person, as shown by the fact that I can connect with you at this personal level right now.  I cannot guarantee that you will continue to be treated as a person after this point.&quot;  That warning cannot be given unless they have a confidence that you see them as they are, right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would highly recommend sticking to the 50, rather than the 0 and the 100.  It's the place where you can find warnings that are valuable and repeatable, rather than having to come up with something unique to each individual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if I may make a personal suggestion (is that fair on IPS?), if you are interested in not losing control like this, find a really good martial arts teacher.  It doesn't matter what they teach, find a good teacher and learn what they do.  I find martial arts teachers are some of the most effective that I know of for teaching you how to &lt;em&gt;safely&lt;/em&gt; reach out from 0 to 99 and come back without doing anything you regret (often without hurting or harming anyone).  If you want to be able to operate in a &quot;last warning&quot; mode hovering at 99, completely under control and choosing whether to creep up to 100 or not, they teach that skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But do give them time.  The good teachers know that if you are someone who ramps from 0 to 100 in a few second flat, it isn't 99 that you need to worry about, it's 1, because as you described yourself, 1 leads to 2 leads to 3, inexorably to 100.  The good teachers will help you keep your head at 1, giving you the choice to ramp up to 100 or back down to zero.  Then they'll teach you to keep your head at 2, then 3.  It's a far harder approach than simply having a &quot;last warning,&quot; but it is tremendously effective at solving a lot of the issues you wish to solve, from the content of your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T18:11:37.367" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-26T18:13:27.017" Score="36" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am a borderline sociopath with severe anger issues and in desperate need of counseling.  I would prefer not to be arrested for assault and battery after severely beating you but, if you persist in continuing this line of conversation, that will not stop me from doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might receive a half-hearted laugh, but will likely also result in the other party carefully backing away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prior to another such a situation, you might consider finding a counselor for therapy and/or anger management.  That kind of rage response may indicate an underlying issue that should be addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2464" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T18:13:27.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13679" CreationDate="2018-04-26T18:18:39.157" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;This reminded me immediately of the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Geek Social Fallacies&lt;/a&gt; (GSFs). GSF2 is &amp;quot;Friends Accept Me as I Am&amp;quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After being victimized by social exclusion, many geeks experience their 'tribe' as a non-judgmental haven where they can take refuge from the cruel world outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Carriers of GSF2 believe that since a friend accepts them as they are, anyone who criticizes them is not their friend. Thus, they can't take criticism from friends -- criticism is experienced as a treacherous betrayal of the friendship, no matter how inappropriate the criticized behavior may be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This theory suggests that the problem stems from insecurity and a bad history with exclusion and criticism. Perhaps it would help to explicitly address that no one is perfect, and that you can love someone even when they are annoying. You could also turn the tables a little: things like being an inconsiderate guest make you feel like he doesn't care about you; he is violating boundaries that matter to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of the particular behaviors you have issues with seem to be about him not considering others' feelings or respecting other people. He may also have a history of people leaving him over this behavior (was this a factor in the SO-breakup?), which may make him especially wary of people raising the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If/when you talk with him about this, do it one-on-one and talk about your own feelings and experiences. Do not allude to other people sharing your views, or else it will seem like a coordinated attack. And instead of bringing it up as one huge overarching problem, you can bring up one particular action or incident to talk through. Perhaps you could bring it up by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dude, I'm still thinking about that time with the trash on the couch. I felt ____ when you refused to help clean up. ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can convey how it feels from your perspective: you like him but this behavior makes it feel like he doesn't respect you back. He may or may not respond constructively. If he does engage more deeply, the talk may surface something about what he feels when he's asked to help. Maybe he doesn't like being called out for &amp;quot;forgetting&amp;quot; to clean up, and he doubles down to avoid shame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His behavior may respond even if he doesn't want to talk about it. (And you can try to cue him with inclusive approaches, like, &amp;quot;Let's get these plates out of the way for everyone. [Friend], could you please give me a hand?&amp;quot;) It's possible that by starting small, like cleaning up his own trash (or helping clean up others' trash!) he'll get positive feedback from hosts and feel more inclined to help and less insecure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T18:18:39.157" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13688" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13689" CreationDate="2018-04-26T18:37:59.287" Score="3" ViewCount="487" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend, let's call him Bob.&#xA;I met Bob many years ago back when I was working in another country.&#xA;We keep in touch over Facebook, occasionally we can have a small conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob wants to learn English, so some time ago he started sending messages in English over his own language.&#xA;He claims he does it for practice.&#xA;However, Bob's English is not that great.&#xA;I can understand what he is saying most of the time, however he does make noticeable errors in words choice and spelling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, normally I would consider it rude to correct him, but he does claim to be doing this for practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I let him know he is making mistakes in a way that encourages him to continue to learn English? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17221" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T20:38:18.813" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T08:56:48.327" Title="How do I correct the grammar of another person if they claim to be speaking my language for practice?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;language&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13689" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13688" CreationDate="2018-04-26T18:46:00.790" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I lived in a foreign country, I remember saying something to the effect of &quot;he is instructing me his dialect&quot;.  The bartender was chatting with us and said to me, &quot;I understand what you are saying, but that's not how we say it.  In this language, we say: ...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really appreciated his taking the time to help me be better understood.  He was gracious about it and helped me speak better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Bob wants to learn the language, he needs to be corrected.  I'd suggest taking the same approach.  &quot;I understand what you're saying; we say it this way...&quot;.  Don't nitpick and don't always correct, but be willing to take the time.  I'd also advise telling him FIRST &quot;I realize you want to learn English.  I'm happy to help you improve and this is what I'll do. When you want me to stop, just say 'stop' and I'll quit.&quot;  That way, he knows why you correct him, and he can tell you to quit and you will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T18:46:00.790" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-26T19:18:05.803" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I clarify tactfully?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I‘d suggest TOOGAM‘s first suggestion and still simplify it: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this extra?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or, for that matter...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this included?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Central Europe and realized that for some years, an increasing number of restaurants started using sales tactics with offering small foods etc. without specifying if they would be billed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These tactics play exactly on customer’s shame of looking stingy to increase sales. I think this is unethical, and I don‘t like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, I strongly recommend taking that small risk and ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it turns out to be part of a sales tactic (=not for free but offered as if), asking is never stinginess but countering manipulation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;taking a small risk every day on purpose will reduce feelings of social awkwardness by habituation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T19:18:05.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13691" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13694" CreationDate="2018-04-26T19:43:19.010" Score="8" ViewCount="2324" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Background:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a single 20-something man living in a major city who is actively dating.  I met a woman about 5-6 months ago on a dating website, let's call her Alice.  Alice and I hit things off well based on our mutual interest in early modern music and modern Japanese authors.  We went on two dates to shows and had a great time each evening. However, soon we mutually decided we didn't want to pursue a relationship, but wanted to still be friends and continue to go to music shows and talks about books together. So we did; maybe seeing each other about once a month, and texting a handful of times a week to work to pick out shows, work out logistics, and occasionally share work/life updates in a way that's typical of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Problem:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just recently Alice got a boyfriend, call him John. Last time I saw her,  she expressed concern to me that she might no longer be able to be my friend because of the circumstances in which we met and what that would cause John to think. Nevertheless, she was willing to keep contact as a friend for now. Normally when I'm in this situation I'll try to arrange a double date or something similar so I can meet John and demonstrate I'm not a threat to him, and just generally bring things into the open.  However Alice seemed less than thrilled at that idea. This made me a little uncomfortable that our friendship might be somehow secret, and poking at this further she explained it's just embarrassing to tell people, not exclusively, but especially her boyfriend, how we met despite the fact that we are just friends now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Question:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is an appropriate way to approach a conversation with Alice to ask her why she is bothered by telling people we met online? How can I ask her how we could make her feel more comfortable with introducing me to her social circle?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like advice on how to approach a conversation about how we can be friendly enough that we could introduce each other to our wider social circles without how we met getting in the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5808" LastEditorUserId="16959" LastEditDate="2018-04-26T22:31:13.300" LastActivityDate="2019-07-01T16:09:12.020" Title="How do I approach maintaining a friendship with someone I used to date, who now has a significant other?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-26T19:59:06.347" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to disagree with the basis of the question. That is, &lt;strong&gt;I do not believe one looks stingy by asking more information before making a decision on whether or not you'd like to be provided something that is offered.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's how I would handle the interaction in a culture where food is offered upon seating, but not always complimentary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Premise:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Waiter: Would you like some bread to start?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Is the bread complimentary, or will there be a charge?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Result 1:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Waiter: The bread is complimentary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Sure, I'll have some bread.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Result 2:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Waiter: The bread is a dollar for a serving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I think I'll pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing stingy about not wanting to spend money on something that you do not believe is worth the cost. An example of what I &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; consider stingy is below:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Result 2 alternative:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Waiter: The bread is a dollar for a serving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Hmm, I would like some bread, but perhaps not a whole serving. Is it possible to get half of a serving for half the price?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2277" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T19:59:06.347" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-26T20:34:23.453" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Is it free?&quot; =&gt; I don't want to spend money =&gt; I might be light on tip&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How much?&quot; =&gt; I want to pay if it's reasonable =&gt; I'm willing to tip&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second question comes across better.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're suggesting it, they should know the price, as that would be a common question.  So it should be no work for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some restaurants have ridiculous up-charges, so it's reasonable to ask questions if you've never been there before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T20:34:23.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13694" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13691" CreationDate="2018-04-26T21:20:59.657" Score="10" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Approaching Alice&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;texting a handful of times a week to work to pick out shows, work out logistics, and occasionally share work/life updates in a way that's typical of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Begin the conversation&lt;/strong&gt; over one of your normal communication mediums, in your case via text. I favor this as it feels more natural, and will probably be more comfortable for Alice than calling out of the blue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep your texts shorter&lt;/strong&gt;. You have a lot to say, but responding to lengthy message can feel especially daunting to someone who is already feeling uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reread your texts&lt;/strong&gt; before sending. Ask yourself: &quot;Have I repeated myself?&quot; &quot;Can I say this at another time?&quot; &quot;Is saying this essential to this conversation?&quot; You may also decide that you would rather have a conversation in person, in which case you can make plans to meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, you should utilize a classic interpersonal skill and &lt;strong&gt;use &quot;I&quot; statement instead of &quot;You&quot; statements&lt;/strong&gt;. Remember that this is centered on how &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; feel about you and her relationship with you, and she won't feel comfortable discussing this or potential solutions if she feels overwhelmed, threatened, or as though she is doing something wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I feel A when B&quot; instead of &quot;You C and it makes me D&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Offering a Solution&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remain calm and thoughtful of her position. She is in a delicate place with her new SO, and as a new friend yourself, you need to respect this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she expressed concern to me that she might no longer be able to be my friend because of the circumstances in which we met and what that would cause John to think&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like the main issue here is is how people will perceive the fact that you met on a dating website. I see that your solution is to simply &lt;strong&gt;keep that chapter of your lives private&lt;/strong&gt;, or to &lt;strong&gt;be entirely forthcoming&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As she feels uncomfortable with the latter, your only option left is the former. Ask Alice if she is comfortable with keeping this to yourselves. You are both adults and can discuss how much you feel comfortable sharing with others in your lives about the nature of your relationship's foundation. It is perfectly okay to tell your friends &quot;We met at [your first IRL meeting], and have been friends ever since!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The friendships and relationships being discussed are relatively young -- the dating website bit can be disclosed at a later date, when foundations have been established and all parties involved are comfortable with their standing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This made me a little uncomfortable that our friendship might be somehow secret&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, that is exactly what it is. If you are not okay with this, and she is unwilling to compromise, you should not remain in a relationship that will only serve to make you feel belittled or unimportant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the flipside, &lt;strong&gt;you need to be prepared to accept that &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; may want to cut off contact.&lt;/strong&gt; This is incredibly painful, but please realize that this is not the end of the world. It is very common for relationships to ebb and flow with the introduction of new significant others, but friendships prove to last the long haul after romantic flames have fizzled into the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16959" LastActivityDate="2018-04-26T21:20:59.657" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13696" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-27T01:23:07.273" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Take a long deep breath.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, but you're making me uncomfortable. I'd like to have some space please&quot; Keep calm, say it loudly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quite simply if someone is trying to get a reaction out of you, they're not going to expect you to be polite. If they aren't they might realise. The threat of violence is entirely pointless unless you follow through. Following through would be bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they keep at it, just... call for help loudly. Don't threaten, don't escalate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2745" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T01:23:07.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-27T02:37:34.660" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Answer the following question to yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Do I want to hurt him&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;If the answer is &lt;strong&gt;YES&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;STOP, VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Even if you're right, you'll lose any  reason you may have the moment you physically invade the other. If the interlocutor is harassing you, courts exist for a reason, you just need to choose on &lt;em&gt;which side of the bench you want to be&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;If you cannot control this feeling, find a therapist, psychologist or counselor, just don't hurt anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;If the answer is &lt;strong&gt;NO&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever you face a situation like this, look the &lt;strong&gt;interlocutor in the eyes&lt;code&gt;*&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and tell him/her &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;let's get this straight today!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;what are you trying to achieve?!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;have I done anything wrong to you that I'm not aware of?!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm trying to understand you, please explain me what's going on?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;If, at any point, you realize that you're dealing with an unreasonable person, which doesn't deal well with facts and rather &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;invent an alternative reality&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;  to justify any preconceived idea about you, &lt;strong&gt;LEAVE, avoid this kind of folks at (almost) any cost&lt;/strong&gt;, even you've to slightly change your daily routine, &lt;strong&gt;do it&lt;/strong&gt;, don't get consumed by &lt;em&gt;energy vampires&lt;/em&gt;, they're psychically and mentally unhealthy for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;code&gt;*&lt;/code&gt; Be firm, show that you're serious about your words by not looking away or blinking to much and by keeping a vocal pace, but don't show any signs of psychical aggressiveness, like closing your fists or alike movements, this will give him/her an excuse to aggress you and will &lt;em&gt;void&lt;/em&gt; any hopes of a civilized outcome. It's a difficult balance, but you'll get the right &lt;em&gt;equilibrium&lt;/em&gt; with time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not let anyone &lt;em&gt;insult, harass&lt;/em&gt; or diminish you in any way, ever!&#xA;Speak your mind whenever this happens and make sure you get the respect you deserve.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This was a late answer and the OP has already accepted the correct answer, hope it helps future users.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10298" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T21:52:10.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13698" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-27T03:11:16.190" Score="12" ViewCount="3251" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a big problem with people that know me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do have slight anger issues (like 0-90 in 1 second, and 90-100 in 10), and I know some people (my friends) that would irritate me just for their amusement. I usually give a threat (i.e. if you keep doing that I will pour water on your head) but can't rack up the nerve to do it. You know the reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, my friends know that, too. So they ignore me and keep on doing whatever they are doing to annoy me and just to see me yell or scream at them. After all that, they point at me and laugh. I don't like this, so how can I change it? Is the problem on me, and if so, how could I change it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17231" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T06:55:01.857" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T11:28:05.993" Title="How can I be more convincing when it comes to my words?" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13698" CreationDate="2018-04-27T05:49:44.230" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say that you have a problem with anger management. That's an intrapersonal problem. You also say that your friends, aware of that, are picking on you. So the question is: &lt;em&gt;is there an interpersonal skill that can help restrain / smother their behavior?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I see that situation: you are a rubber duck for the childishness of your friends. Anytime they squeeze the duck, it says &lt;em&gt;quack&lt;/em&gt;. It makes them laugh. They squeeze again, it says &lt;em&gt;quack&lt;/em&gt;. Makes them laugh. Do it again, and again. No matter what your words are, they hear &lt;em&gt;quack&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've tried setting boundaries, and threatening, with no improvement whatsoever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What about &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; picking on them? I mean, change the way the duck answers when squeezed? Make a different noise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Play the game: they pick on you. You smile and say: &quot;What? Really? Are you sure? Can you do/say it again?&quot;. And count. You 1-0 Friends. They repeat? You repeat! &quot;What? Really? Are you sure? Can you do/say it again?&quot;. You 2-0 Friends. Repeat again. Laugh inside while counting :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point, you can also make a move towards self-deprecating joke too, and see how they react. Acting like that is not only funny, but is also a form of &quot;&lt;em&gt;non violent resistance&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. You deflect their actions, and/or have it bounce back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they'll be tired asking, puzzled having the same &quot;quack&quot; again (but not the one that used to make them laugh), and realize that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are picking on them, you'll have made a great step &lt;strong&gt;inside and outside&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Twisting someone's arguments and using them to your own benefit is a great interpersonal skill, I'd use that strategy, because I did that when facing kind of a similar situation and it worked great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How is picking on the people who pick on you going to improve the relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Replacing anger and frustration by laughs is improvement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;Friends&lt;/em&gt;&quot; find funny picking on OP. They should find it funny when OP bounces back. If not? Then it'll be worth thinking about the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BUT&lt;/strong&gt;: you can't let people behave like that and never &quot;strike&quot; back. It's like hitting a person. They say &quot;&lt;em&gt;ouch! it hurts! why did you do that?!&lt;/em&gt;&quot; -&gt; because I wanted you to understand what &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; feel when you do it all the time. With laughs, it's non-violent, but carries the same &quot;back in your face&quot; idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-28T07:19:03.057" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T07:19:03.057" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13698" CreationDate="2018-04-27T07:06:05.723" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;People who ignore your complaints and uses you as butt of all jokes all are not worthy of being your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise you find better friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you have a real problem (anger issues), a true friend should not view your problems or handicaps as a way to have fun, they should be more tolerant than most people and try to be accomodating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are obviously not doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to try and salvage the relationship, I would advise you try to talk with your friends but one by one. A group tend to develop some kind immunity to criticism as they all validate each others behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try to have one-on-one with each your friends, and tell them something like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When we are together, you sometimes says things to me which are very hurtful. I don't find them funny at all. Really. Seriously, stop. I've had enough of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you don't find their reaction satisfactory you can follow up with :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why are you doing this to me ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you might get really disappointed by the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are still being hurtful after that, they quite clearly don't give a damn about you. You should then move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you all the best and hopefully all of you can work it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17201" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T07:06:05.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-27T07:26:27.607" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It will depends on the situations, nature of the person.&#xA;Because, some people feel very embarrassment even on 1st warning. They don't need any 2nd or last warning.&#xA;But before giving last warning to someone, you just need to check the conditions, bases why couldn't the person work according to the instruction in last warnings. Might be he/she is not habitual of that work,&#xA;how quickly have you reached at last warning?&#xA;So, sometimes, last warning works but not often.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17234" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T07:26:27.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13698" CreationDate="2018-04-27T07:46:40.583" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't give out empty threats. As you noticed that will only make it worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should do is take out their fun of getting on your nerves. Depending on what it is that they do to get a reaction out of you there's several ways to respond to make their actions really boring (and thus make them stop doing them in the future).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the most effective ways is to make them repeat that annoying action too many times. For example if they poke you and you react automaticaly by making some funny sound. A second after that uncontrolable sound when they start laughing react like this, preferably with a big (fake) smile on your face:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh that's really fun do it again.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  No really comon it's funny poke me again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep repeating this, just take the poking and your funny auto response until they get really bored of it. And I mean &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; bored of it. If they no longer poke and just start responding to you that it's not fun anymore you can either request it once more to really get your point accross or finish it with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're right, poking me isn't fun, so let's not do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep doing this anytime in the future when they start poking you again, I guarantee you that it'll take no more than 2 separate days to really take the fun out of it for them and they'll stop poking you altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar tricks work for when they keep making fun of you verbally. If something get's really on your nerves you can go over the top with it yourself. For example, if they make fun of your hair color you can do the following the next time someone makes a joke about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're right, I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; a redhead. Hey &amp;lt; friend2 &gt; did you notice, I got red hair, funny right.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Hey hey, &amp;lt; friend3 &gt; did &amp;lt; friend1 &gt; tell this to you as well? funny right, I got red hair!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Oh comon &amp;lt; friend1 &gt; why aren't you laughing, isn't it funny that I got red hair? No really look! It's RED!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The  comment get's old really fast after that. This has the effect that they too will take longer and longer before commenting on the red hair color again after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another trick against verbal bullying that works if it's not focused on one specific thing (like hair color) is to literally repeat the same phrase directed at them. This also works well even if it's only true for you. (Remember we're just trying to take the fun out of it for them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;imus: Ha! easy math failed on this test, how stupid are you!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  easy math: Ha! Imus failed on this test, how stupid are you!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  imus: I didn't fail on this test, you did&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  easy math: I didn't fail on this test, you did&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  imus: why are you repeating me&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  easy math: why are you repeating me&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  imus: no seriusly, stop it, it's annoying&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  easy math: well so is laughing at me for failing a test, so i'll stop  repeating after you if you stop getting on my nerves just to get a reaction out of me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do something similar each time they get on your nerves JUST to get a reaction out of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do want to give a friendly warning not to overuse these kind of responses either though. Only do this when you feel they went too far with their jokes. Some joking between friends is normal. If you can laugh about your own angry reaction a couple of seconds after there's nothing wrong with reacting like that. Let them have their funny moment, laugh about it, make a joke yourself about someone else so they're now the target, repeat ad infinitum.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T07:46:40.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13705" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13643" CreationDate="2018-04-27T08:27:47.033" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a real world, so everyone has his/her own self-interest in every work. Because if you are not ok with it, because, doing there help you don't see any benefit for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is only a solution for such types of people, if you can do something very easily and you have enough free time then say Yes to them for their work.&#xA;Otherwise you can make false excuse to avoid them.&#xA;But before avoid someone, try to ask them to do any favor for you. And they can able to give time to your work, then never say no to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17234" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T08:27:47.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13688" CreationDate="2018-04-27T08:56:48.327" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Take what he says at face value - he has told you that wants to speak with you in English &lt;em&gt;for practice&lt;/em&gt;, so accept that he wants to be corrected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that you can understand him most of the time. This is a huge advantage, because it means you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; correct him. If you had absolutely no idea what he was saying there would be considerably more embarrassment and frustration because you would have to ask him to repeat himself and ask lots of supplemental questions before you could even tell him the right way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it stands, all you have to do is repeat back what he said with the correction. If he is practicing his English then he won't be offended, he will see this as a help. By simply stating the correct expression you show that you understood him &lt;em&gt;despite&lt;/em&gt; the error, and that you are willing to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;BOB: &quot;Can you explain me this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;YOU: &quot;Can you explain this to me &quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emoji is optional, but I think if you are doing this over Facebook as you state, it might help. In real life I would smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope it helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think you are meaning &quot;hope &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; helps&quot;, yes? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh yes, so I do. Thanks Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T08:56:48.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-27T09:07:42.373" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How much is it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short and sweet, implies that you're willing to pay if the cost is reasonable. As opposed to &amp;quot;Is it free?&amp;quot; which carries an expectation that it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's $5.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks, but I'll pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's free/complimentary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Great, by all means! / Awesome, yes please!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2926" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T09:07:42.373" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13708" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13716" CreationDate="2018-04-27T09:07:56.830" Score="51" ViewCount="20124" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and my girlfriend (both in our early 20s) disagree a lot on various political issues in and out of our country, and those disagreements cause her a lot of grief as she is a very sensitive person and the beliefs she holds are, while important to her, hard for her to defend in an argument, which makes her very sad and upset, and she's been in a bad mood a lot lately caused by other aspects of her life, and this situation only worsens it as far as I'm aware.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been together for almost a year and through a lot, we love each other dearly, but such things are making us quarrel and that's no good to either one of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot change my opinion on the issues being discussed as that would go against the core of my person, nor can I just pretend I agree, as she can see through that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not having these conversations is an approach we've been trying so far, however, that turns out to be impossible when discussing world news and events in everyday conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; I've received a very good answer that captures the essence of the question perfectly, though the close votes seem to indicate it is still not understood as well as it could be. What I wanted to know is what behaviour during a discussion of a political topic where both of us have strong opinions on the subject will ensure that the discussion does not deteriorate into an argument, considering above-average sensitivity of the one of us, and the unlikeliness of our opinions changing, perhaps even allowing us to be brought closer together by our slight differences and help us understand the other's point while not necessarily starting a debate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16989" LastEditorUserId="16989" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T13:40:23.913" LastActivityDate="2020-05-11T01:00:03.717" Title="How to deal with strong political disagreements with my sensitive girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13709" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13698" CreationDate="2018-04-27T10:11:07.190" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem here sounds like your friends are making fun of you and are fully aware that your threats are empty&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If you keep doing that I will pour water on your head&quot; but can't rack up the nerve to do it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already proven to them that no matter what you threaten them with, they will not suffer any consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whilst I like some of the responses I've read so far, I wouldn't sit by and let it happen. Either they're just poking you and it's all in good fun or they genuinely have a problem and don't want to seem aggressive or confrontational about it. At this point, peaceful resolution is still on the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could prod back a little and make fun of them, if it is all in good fun. If not, there's a good chance this will spark a heated discussion that they've been waiting to jump on for a while now. This gives you the chance to discuss whatever issues you have and resolve them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding your empty threats, I can only offer two solutions and I have a feeling you aren't going to like them. Your first option is to stop making them - they're not doing you any good. Your second option is to follow up on them. There's no point in saying you'll do something if you won't actually do it - this shows a lack of integrity and nobody will respect you for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11190" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T10:11:07.190" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13698" CreationDate="2018-04-27T10:14:16.157" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The situation you have described is not a problem of being insufficiently convincing.  You have three real problems:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You get angry too easily.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't behave well when you get angry.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have friends that are not trying to help you be your best self.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good news is that all of these things are directly under your control, but fixing them is difficult and will take time and practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learn to recognize when you are angry.  One of the most effective things you can do here is read a little about mindfulness meditation and start practicing for 10 minutes or more every day.  With time and effort you will be able to control you anger rather than letting your anger control you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do find yourself letting your anger affect your behavior apologize as soon as you are aware of the problem.  Be forthcoming with your self criticism.  My experience is this elicits empathy, and plays a strong role in improving your own behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your friends, work on yourself first, but explain to your friends that you are trying to be less thin skinned, to get less angry.  When they start teasing you to get a reaction, tell them &quot;friends, I'm trying to improve my character in this regard.  Can't you help me rather than provoke me?&quot; or words to that effect.  If they continue to plague you, get a little distance.  Don't make a big thing out of it, just go for a walk, sit somewhere else, tell them you realize you have an important appointment, whatever.  The goal here is stop practicing bad behavior and to encourage your friends to behave better.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never ever threaten.  If you find yourself threatening someone, you are engaging in bad behavior.  If asking people nicely to consider your feelings doesn't work, then get some distance (as described above).  If you think it will be helpful you can warn of consequences, but do so politely and be prepared to execute those (nonviolent!) consequences: &quot;friends, I don't appreciate this.  I'd rather hang out with you but if you persist in this behavior I'm going to have to leave&quot;, or &quot;dude, if you're going to act like that I'm not going to help you with your homework this evening&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the worst case you may find you have to find some new friends.  Some people take delight and joy in making you your worst self.  If they are unwilling to change, then they should be avoided.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9970" LastEditorUserId="9970" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T10:50:58.610" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T10:50:58.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13708" CreationDate="2018-04-27T10:23:23.747" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put simply the issue is not the political opinion but insecurity around change or challenging the position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To free up the situation is to get your girlfriend to talk through why she feels so strongly about her positions.  You can then introduce the idea that these feelings are common in lots of situations, and are not linked to the opinions but ones own identity and experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have met terrorists who fervently hated their enemies, because their enemies where the devil on earth.  Equally I have met their victims who felt equally as bad about the terrorists.  The trauma that created these positions was why they felt as they did, which was a healthy response, but its focus needed educating.  The truth was political groups manipulated the trauma to blame a group as the cause of everything &quot;wrong&quot; in the system.  Until you can start to separate the two, you will forever be trapped in the cycle of blind emotion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example of this hatred stirring was in the Balkan civil war.  Some mercenaries knew they needed to stir up hatred so they planted a bomb in their own sides part of the city and blew it up, claiming it was the callous work of their enemy.  It worked and raised the conflict even higher.  Becoming a victim of political motivators like this is dangerous, but we must take ownership of the truth, and bring a view of what really works.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing behind the headlines, behind idiologies to meet people and their experiences and emotional reactions, opens ones eyes.  Unfortunately politically they can be opposites which seems a contradiction, but is just an example of how experiences and individuals shape who we are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T10:23:23.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13712" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-27T10:30:29.993" Score="3" ViewCount="722" Body="&lt;p&gt;Context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A group of friends did something to me that was, to say the least, inconsiderate: We had an appointment in a certain place,  let's call it A. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in another city (this is a rather new situation, been here for one month and a half), so I told them I was going to get there at a certain hour. They were going to meet earlier. Then,  when they were together, they decided to go to another place,  let's call it B. They told me this through text message even when I had told them I was not going to be reading them because I would be driving (in fact I was driving to A). They were also aware that I was not reading it because the app allows you to see it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only that, but place B was much closer to the original city I was at, so I passed by oblivious to the fact they were there,  went almost to A, and then saw the message. I refused to go back to B and went home, showing one of them,  at least, discomfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this friend, which is also the one who had organised the original plan with me, sent me two messages in a humorous tone trying to downplay it. Then asked me whether I was &quot;angry&quot;. I then answered &quot;I am not angry&quot;,  trying to imply I was rather disappointed instead of angry, but then he interpreted it as if my anger had then disappeared after two days and everything was okay again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I can understand what happened could have happened to anyone, they were simply inconsiderate to my situation. But this pissed me off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to deal with this situation? Expressing them what I felt, also considering the fact that I had declined another plan to go with them, and the fact that I am passing through a hard personal moment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also please do note that what, in fact, makes me angry, is my friend asking me repeteadly &quot;Are you angry?&quot;, &quot;Are you still angry?&quot; as if this was my own problem I he had nothing to do with it. Even if this is my best friend from the six, I would like to tell all of them that they are,  at least, responsible for not warning me, as they had all read my message. One of them even told me on the phone, Why don't you read the messages? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I cannot post comments, I answer here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have any of them apologised for the incident? Was the decision to move to Location B on a whim, or was there something more urgent that kept them from going to A&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of them have apologised, one of them has completely ignored the matter, simply talking to me as always. The other one is the one I mention above, and I have not seen the other ones. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17238" LastEditorUserId="17238" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T11:41:07.913" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T19:09:25.260" Title="A group of friends did something wrong, how to tell them without exaggerating, but still defending my position?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13713" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13698" CreationDate="2018-04-27T10:39:51.323" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I be more convincing when it comes to my words?          &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your problem is simple.  And you have summarised it by what you have left out in your question and post.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer is triggers.&#xA;You want desperately to have what you say respected.&#xA;You put this into your words, because the idea you are putting&#xA;forward is not strong enough in your eyes to stand alone.&#xA;All they have to do is mock, and you explode.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So learn how to contribute as your friends do, at their level in&#xA;their way.  And do not care how they respond, feel totally neutral,&#xA;as if you are just speaking aloud in a room.  The things you say&#xA;should stand alone, like a work of art.  And if they are rejected,&#xA;more fool on the person who is rejecting them, because the rejection&#xA;shows their failure not yours.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This takes practice.  And assume they will be horrible to you.  But&#xA;so what, it is just playing around, and they speak as they do just to&#xA;provoke a response.  In our family, we do swear signs to show annoyance&#xA;but in a jokey kind of a way.  And yes there are blowups sometimes for&#xA;good reasons, but emotional language is this sea of interaction at many&#xA;levels, which you need to learn and tune into.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately you need to learn this communication balance, but you &#xA;have taken the first step, recognition of the need to change.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="11181" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T13:51:22.257" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T13:51:22.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13712" CreationDate="2018-04-27T11:00:06.110" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A group of friends did something wrong, how to tell them without&#xA;  exaggerating, but still defending my position?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the wrong question in the situation you are in.&#xA;You need to understand the social rules the group are showing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The group can decide what is happening at any point up to an event&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Each member of the group has to agree to the groups decision&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Communication failure by 1 individual will not effect the outcome&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These rules often work in these social situations.  The fluidity is &#xA;very useful but relies on constant communication which mobile phones&#xA;provide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately you have become a victim of failing the rule.  And if&#xA;a venue is much closer for the majority, this easily becomes accepted&#xA;by the group when proposed, leaving odd parties out in the cold.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So there is not a right or wrong position in this situation, but a&#xA;balancing of perspectives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on this background, you can apologise for being angry and understand&#xA;why they chose a closer venue, which would have been fine, if you had&#xA;known.  So a proposal would be to consider effort for the group in planning&#xA;so these kind of situations do not occur in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that is what I would propose you share, that they did fail to tell you&#xA;when they changed, which was a mistake, but you understand why, and is ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder if you can see this, through being angry.  I have been in your &#xA;situation myself, but then, people do these type of things all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T11:00:06.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13708" CreationDate="2018-04-27T11:35:41.823" Score="93" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, you don't have to change your opinions and neither does she. I think you understood that already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, onto the question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now, what I want to know is how should I behave during a discussion on a political topic in a way that will not hurt her feelings and get my point across&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people have trouble voicing their political opinions in a civil manner (It's a major problem across stackexchange if you ask me.), so reassure yourself. You are not alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I imagine conversations about politics usually start with something like this :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Political related thing comes up on TV&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;X : How horrible is that man/thing! Can you believe that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Y : Actually, I kinda agree with that man/thing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;X : Whaaat l? But... &lt;em&gt;'Start arguments'&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X was seeking validation from Y, when Y responded with an unexpected disagreement. X is dumbfounded and starts an argument/debate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such a surprise can be pretty hard to take, especially when it's coming from your SO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are in Y position, even if you do not share the belief of X, you can still validate her feelings. You can even start a healthy debate, if you want to, by using something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Y : I got you. What do you think should be done? / Do you want to talk about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It acknowledges their opinion and gives them a chance to explain their feelings or ideas further. Do not express your own opinion or challenge X's arguments at this stage. Make it about them not about the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, if the other person is willing to discuss, they will try to explain their point. Keep in mind, they probably didn't have time to think it through so their arguments may be a bit strange or convoluted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;X : It's because, y'know, he has been doing that and this. It didn't work. Plus it's really an inhumane way to act...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the rest of the discussion, instead of challenging the person, help them to rephrase their arguments and build on them. Even if you disagree. In fact, especially if you disagree. Taking the point of view of the other is a very good skill and will help you understand what the person wants/fears/thinks/feels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do so by using statements like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Y : Ah I see, would you prefer if that other thing was done? I heard people talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's important is not to assume things, ask them away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Body language and manners can also help, don't try and speak over them, silently listen and look at them in the eyes, nod as they talk (nodding means that you understand what they are saying in that context).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk however long the other person want to talk; if the conversation starts to die down, that's fine. If you never get to voice your opinion, that's fine. You never said that you agreed anyway. You validated their feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask you about your opinion during the track of the discussion, you can voice it, but use all the information you have acquired to phrase your disagreement, and accompany it with points that you agree on. But no argument is needed at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;X : What's your thoughts on that thing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Y : While I agree on the other thing, I feel like that thing is less a problem than people say it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use &quot;I&quot; statements; you are not conveying the absolute truth. You are voicing your thoughts, concerns, opinions, or fears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helped a bit. I found &lt;a href=&quot;http://mattshirkpublicdefender.com/4-constructive-ways-on-how-to-talk-about-politics/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt; which I think can be helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17201" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T15:53:55.043" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T15:53:55.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13712" CreationDate="2018-04-27T11:44:57.270" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My advice is twofold:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;learn to express yourself to your friends precisely and firmly, but non-aggressively (= not attacking). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The model of non-violent-communication (NVC) that has been coming up in a recent question on this site offers a good template for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This includes communicating your feelings. Could be something like...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Listen, when I arrived at the place and being alone there, I felt sad, and also a little angry, because I was longing for reconnecting and having a good time with you. I’d ask you guys to be part of this decision if to go to another place or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The template is  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;providing context (when I arrived...)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;describing feelings&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;describing need&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;requesting specific action (being part of the decision to be able to address your preferences)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...all of this with as little judgement as possible - this is supported by &lt;em&gt;I-statements&lt;/em&gt; instead of &lt;em&gt;you-statements&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Judgement (“nobody of you f*** d*** cared enough to my situation” or similar) is - while understandable from your POV - considered verbal violence and will lead to counter violence while bringing down probability to understand and be understood in order to solve the problem and heal the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;talk and DO NOT TEXT&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;best face to face without any device in between, second-best by phone, third video-chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Written or recorded language as means to communicate emotional and interpersonal issues is prone to unintentional and intentional misunderstanding and therefore decreasing probability for resolving the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not only detrimental to the issue at hand, but damaging to you and your skills to handle your emotional and social interactions in a meaningful way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T11:44:57.270" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13718" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13739" CreationDate="2018-04-27T12:26:14.830" Score="34" ViewCount="9219" Body="&lt;p&gt;This problem mostly has to do with me and my family against another religious group. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About a month ago a Pentecostal &quot;church&quot; opened about a mile from our house. We live in Uganda, a very Pentecostal country, with the majority of the people here being Pentecostals. The church is very loud. They are over a mile from our house and we can clearly hear every word they say into their loud-speakers. They have consistently had a service every Friday since the church opened, going from 10 AM to 7 PM at night. My father has had enough of it. My family and I were discussing methods of dealing with these loud pentecostals without being persecutive or disruptive. We are bible-believing Christians and do not agree with their religion. They are being incredibly rude and disruptive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The culture here is a very tolerant culture. They tolerate almost everything instead of fixing or getting rid of the problem. The police are very corrupt and kind of racist, they wouldn't be able to do anything about it without requiring a bribe or some other method of persuasion. Even if the police made them be quieter they would just do it again just as loud or louder next week. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have contemplated going to the municipal council but I don't think they would be able to do anything about it. We once complained about rock concerts that would go on until 3 AM in the morning and they enacted a curfew, but the problem is, this is a religious group and the people are very tolerant of religion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can we peacefully approach this group about decreasing the volume of their services?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is some info requested for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you like a slightly quieter service?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. Slightly would be an understatement. It would be nice if we could barely hear or not hear them at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Relationship wth this group?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have never met in real life. Me and my siblings (who all jog weekly) know where the church is and what the name of the prophetess is. No phone numbers or email addresses because I never paid enough attention to the sign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Size of the group?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just guesstimating from the size of the tents approximately 70-100 people. (Yes, not an actual building just some fancy tents they set up in a yard) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10634" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-04-28T20:56:08.450" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T20:56:08.450" Title="How to peacefuly deal with a loud religious group" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;&lt;east-africa&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13719" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13718" CreationDate="2018-04-27T12:45:35.283" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Whether or not they are a religious group,&lt;/strong&gt; they are disturbing the peace.  Since you said that police force is corrupt and municipal council won't do anything, the only resort you have is...  interpersonal skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend going to the leader of the group (pastor or whatever), and say something along the lines of,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Say, I've noticed that you've got a church started up here.  I'm sure it didn't occur to you, but on Fridays it can get quite loud in the neighbourhood.  Would you mind turning the volume down a bit, please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, if the law will not help you, your only hope is that the leadership will understand your right to peace and quiet.  If they don't, I'm afraid your options are pretty limited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is no harm in trying.  &lt;em&gt;And they don't know what they don't know.&lt;/em&gt;  As the wording I proposed suggested, it is quite possible the leadership has not even thought of how the volume is affecting the neighbourhood.  In that case, your going to them could be the catalyst for reform.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;N.B.: There are some religion-based pleas that you could theoretically use as well, but I don't feel that that's really on-topic here.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T12:45:35.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13708" CreationDate="2018-04-27T12:51:03.090" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like politics debates, so I usually start or participate in them with many people, so I have a little experience debating with many types of people. I have learnt one thing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People that seems to have very different ideologies may agree in many things if they are not related to a political party. I mean, people tend to defend the party they feel closer to them, and tend to attack everything that they feel related to the opposite party. But if you manage to speak about real problems, solutions to these problems, etc. but ignore stuff about political parties around it, debates are more productive and less aggressive. This ends when someone then tries to use the agreement they have reached to prove that his party was right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I don't know why, but people tend to be more aggressive and to feel attacked when speaking about politics than when speaking about other topics, even if they are not very interested in politics and even if the other topics have a bigger effect on their daily life. It's a fanaticism created by affinities to political parties that I can't understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I seriously recommend to avoid engaging in a debate with people you love if you never agree and always end up fighting and feeling bad. You probably are getting nowhere and hurting your relationship. You say that this hasn't worked, so you can try to avoid political parties and politician-related topics, and debate only about problems and solutions. Have a talk with your girlfriend requesting to do this. If it works, great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case you are already doing this, and debates about problems itself are what are creating this situation, I suggest this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't try to win the debate. People passionate about politics (like me) usually try to win the debate and doesn't stop until achieving it. In many cases we do this unconsciously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just listen to her and then explain your position, but not to convince her, just to tell it. When both of you feel that you already have explained your point of view, finish the debate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Help her to feel better helping her to explain better her point. Ask things, request clarifications, etc in a way that makes clear that you want to understand her, not to refute her (this is also good for the debate)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show her that you have understood her point of view and show her that, even if you don't agree, she has made a good point and her opinion is valuable&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, this way at least you will avoid discussions and you will help your girlfriend to gain some confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17198" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T22:02:06.057" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T22:02:06.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13721" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13722" CreationDate="2018-04-27T12:54:09.753" Score="7" ViewCount="2496" Body="&lt;p&gt;My ex-girlfriend and I have been separated for months, and she still has some of my personal stuff. As our relation ended in a bad manner we don't speak a lot to each other. She said at multiple times that she will send me back my stuff, but she never did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard and painful to simply discuss and listen to each other, so asking again for my stuff is even harder... Plus she is so broke than she can't even afford to send back my stuff. I told her that I can send her money so she will be able to send back my stuff, but she didn't even go to the postal office (which is  a 5 min walk from her house) to tell me how much it will cost. She lives 600 kilometers away so I can't go get back my stuff myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask again for my stuff to make her actually do something about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17244" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-04-28T10:11:05.550" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T15:00:48.477" Title="How to get my stuff back from my ex-girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13721" CreationDate="2018-04-27T13:11:39.140" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You really have one of two choices in this matter.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first would be to count your items as a loss.  You can always get more stuff.  It may be likely that she has tossed your stuff in the trash,  so you really don't have any other options.  Move on with your life and be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second would be to ask a friend of hers to retrieve your stuff.  That friend would not be all that attached emotionally and stands a better chance of going through the tedious process of gathering, packing, and shipping your items.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5061" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T13:11:39.140" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13718" CreationDate="2018-04-27T13:18:09.497" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although there are some unique specifics in this question, dealing with noisy neighbours (which is essentially what this is) is always best tackled in a peaceful way. The first advice is always to make them aware that you can hear them and that it is disturbing you, as they may not be aware of how much their sound is traveling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finding &lt;strong&gt;common ground&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; very much the order of the day here and you note that both your family and the noisy church are Christians, albeit of a differing denominations. This could be your common ground. Christianity contains much teaching that is best not discussed here, but I believe the principle of &quot;love thy neighbour&quot; is fairly innocuous and if you can appeal to them as a &quot;&lt;em&gt;neighbour&lt;/em&gt;&quot; you may have some success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go and visit the group. Seek out whoever is in charge. Introduce yourself as &lt;em&gt;their neighbour&lt;/em&gt; and ask if you can speak privately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to let you know that even though we live a mile away from&#xA;  you, we can hear your services quite loudly in our home. We appreciate&#xA;  the work you do here, but we were wondering if you could perhaps lower&#xA;  the volume of your sound system so that it doesn't disturb the&#xA;  neighbourhood?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid using terms like &quot;&lt;em&gt;your church&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, which only serve to separate you from them. You may not belong to their denomination but you are trying to appeal to them as a neighbour and if possible as a fellow Christian. If you speak about the noise from &quot;&lt;em&gt;your church&lt;/em&gt;&quot; they will just see you as someone with a different belief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't respond well to this it may be because they feel you are challenging their faith. Given that you say the authorities will not be interested, this is your only opportunity and you likely won't get anywhere if you do show opposition to them. So keep your cool, don't get angry. Try and show that this is not your personal attack on them, but that others may be affected to. Perhaps you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I very much respect your church and your freedom to worship. I am only&#xA;  concerned as your neighbour that the noise is disturbing not just my&#xA;  family but others in the neighbourhood, and that may reflect badly on&#xA;  you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even mention the curfew:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You may not know this, but some time ago the municipal council enforced a curfew on a loud event. I hoped that I would be able to resolve this matter neighbour to neighbour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is that even if they &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; react well, if you remain peaceful throughout, when you leave they may think on what you said and possibly even turn the volume down a bit. Whereas if you become heated and angry they will later only speak about how you became irate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T13:18:09.497" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13708" CreationDate="2018-04-27T13:28:15.630" Score="44" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Seek out common underlying values&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oftentimes, disagreements in politics are really matters of common values with two opposed solutions. Consider this argument:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: The poor people in our community need money through welfare to help make ends meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: That will just make them lazy and keep them in poverty. We should limit the amount of welfare to encourage them to get well-paying jobs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What isn’t being talked about here is that both A and B have a shared underlying value: &lt;em&gt;they both want to help the poor&lt;/em&gt;. The disagreement is over the most effective way to do that. If A and B were to focus on their shared goal, then would be able to spend more time agreeing and less time arguing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Ask for reasons why; don’t assume&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ve seen this a lot in the United States after the very heated 2016 presidential election. Here is a bad conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I voted for Trump.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: How could you vote for that racist, bigoted idiot?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: Well, who did you vote for?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: I voted for Hillary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: How could you vote for that morally bankrupt, elitist candidate?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A better way is to always ask for reasons and not assume. They may have very good reasons that may surprise you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I voted for Trump.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: What were your reasons?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: My family are all blue collar workers. I feel strongly about the difficulties they have in being able to put food on the table. While Trump is far from an ideal candidate, I think he is their best shot for making ends meet. Who did you vote for and why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: I voted for Hillary. I feel strongly about the causes of minorities, and especially immigrants, like that of the friends I grew up with. I think that they will have the best chance of a happy, stable life if Hillary is elected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that A didn’t vote for Trump because he was bigoted and B didn’t vote for Hillary because she was morally bankrupt or elitist. They both had other reasons that were far different than the reasons the other assumed. In fact, they may find understanding on that B sympathizes with the financial difficulties of A’s family and A sympathizes with the social difficulties of B’s lifelong friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Invite them to share what they &lt;em&gt;don’t&lt;/em&gt; like about their candidate or cause, and do the same&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This goes back to the stereotypes and assumptions you have about negative traits. You may find that you are in agreement about a number of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: You’re a Trump supporter. What don’t you like about him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: He’s bigoted, especially towards immigrants. I hate that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: Really?! I was afraid that you were supportive of him restricting rights to people like my friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: You supported Hillary. What don’t you like about her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: I think she shows too little concern over the difficulties of rural, blue collar workers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: Really?! I was afraid you were deaf to the concerns about people like my family!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To both A and B’s surprise, the other wasn’t in support of their candidate because of their negative traits, but in fact they both despised the two candidates for the same reasons and discovered shared common values, despite ultimately picking different candidates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can also apply for causes too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I am supportive of anti-abortion efforts, but I don't like how organizations promoting that provide little financial support to poor women who choose to keep their child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: I am supportive of LGBT rights, but I don't like how organizations advocating that can often be hostile to others who don't fully support their views yet are still aid the cause (such as religious groups that do not support homosexuality, yet host homeless shelters that are lifesaving to LGBT homeless youth).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, both A and B have found common ground in wanting to find ways to better serve the disenfranchised in their society in order to solve the underlying problems affecting the causes they are passionate about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that &lt;strong&gt;this is not an opportunity to find weaknesses in their arguments&lt;/strong&gt;. The absolute wrong thing thing to say would be &amp;quot;well, if you don't like X about your cause/candidate, how can you possibly support them?&amp;quot; Doing that violates the trust and openness that you have created and will lead to closing down and hurt feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Don’t go on the offensive&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now you’ve identified the other’s reasons and disproved the stereotypes and fears you had by taking the time to understand their point of view (You did do that right? It’s a &lt;em&gt;critical&lt;/em&gt; step!) Now it’s time to convince the other person that your point of view is more valid, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Wrong!&lt;/em&gt; Going on the offensive is likely to cause more hurt feelings and not change others minds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I feel strongly about anti-abortion efforts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: I feel strongly about LGBT rights.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A and B: My cause is more important!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s very unlikely that either side will change their mind, even if they agree that both causes are important. Going on the offensive will only cause hurt feelings. Again, seeking to understand each other is the better solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: Why do you feel so strongly about anti-abortion causes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: It’s because […] Why do you feel strongly about LGBT rights?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: It’s because […]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: While I still think that anti-abortion causes are more important, I’m glad to better understand your position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: Same for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you don’t think there is a chance that you will change your point of view, don’t expect the other to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, consider that the other person may change their view over time, rather than instantly. Multiple sessions of constructive, sympathetic conversation are more likely to be successful than a one time heated debate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Your goal is to have a relationship, not to win political debates&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also known as: &lt;strong&gt;you’re in a relationship with this person, not a candidate or cause&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other person is more than just the sum of their political values. You started the relationship for reasons aside from politics. Maybe it was shared interests or other shared values. Are these more important to you than which candidate they checked on the voting ballot?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give a bit from my own background, my parents are diametrically opposed politically. They are of opposite parties on the political spectrum and disagree on a number of issues. But they’ve just celebrated 33 years of marriage thanks to focusing on all the other things they have in common: shared values unrelated to politics (such as their religious faith), shared interests, and a genuine love for each other as a person. They married each other, not Trump or Hillary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do they have disagreements? Sometimes. But ultimately they know that their goal is to be in a relationship with each other and not to win political debates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For them, that also means not talking politics often (they had a rule to never have political debates in front of kids). But they firmly believe that their marriage is more important than having those debates. And that is an example I seek to follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Further Resources: Better Angels&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The techniques listed above are used extensively by &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.better-angels.org/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Better Angels&lt;/a&gt;, an organization built around bridging the political divide in the United States. From their website:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Launched in 2016, Better Angels is a bipartisan citizen’s movement to unify our divided nation. By bringing red [right-leaning, commonly Republican] and blue [left-leaning, commonly Democrat] Americans together into a working alliance, we’re building new ways to talk to one another, participate together in public life, and influence the direction of the nation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The organization has &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.better-angels.org/features&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;articles, podcast, videos, and even live sessions&lt;/a&gt; aimed at creating understanding between those on opposing ends of the political spectrum. In other words, they resolve the exact same conflicts that you are trying to resolve, but on a much larger scale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you aren't in the United States, the resources that Better Angels provides can teach you about useful techniques and advice that can help you solve the conflicts between your girlfriend and any others you find at odds with politically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2309" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T16:04:25.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13726" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14087" CreationDate="2018-04-27T13:57:36.713" Score="6" ViewCount="685" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm put in a top performing batch in my high school, after management saw my academic performance, because of which they leave us to study on our own in the classroom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most students in the classroom are noisy; they keep talking during free/study hours, and they make it up for it by pulling an all-nighter which I can't do and moreover the I have stay in the same place for about 10-12 hours and they are difficult people, won't listen to anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is: &lt;strong&gt;how do I deal with such people, make them maintain peace, so that I can concentrate on my studies?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;###Notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Half of them hate me, because I won't mingle and behave differently and other half are their friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My usual class has different lecturers, whose lessons I don't understand, moreover more leniency is given in new batch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They are around 17 years old, 12th grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They keep using foul words while talking loudly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17247" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2021-05-26T07:00:34.910" LastActivityDate="2021-05-26T07:00:34.910" Title="Deal with noisy people in a classroom in absence of adult supervision" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;south-asia&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13727" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13718" CreationDate="2018-04-27T14:00:50.173" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;As far as I understand there is no liable solution including to ask them to adhere to basic neighborhood courtesy or the law as they want their service to be disruptive to the &quot;non-believers&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So one solution will take a lot of time:&#xA;Group other people disrupted by the noise around you. Collect reasons you feel disrupted and evidence of it. Do not try to &quot;go after them&quot; as a group. If you do that, you will be seen as the group that started the problem and not the one that tried to end an existing problem.&#xA;Your collected reasons can include disrupted sleep of your children, declining health of the sick and elderly who cannot find peace to rest, potentially even damage to nearby houses done by the recurring high noise levels. Just do not call it &quot;I feel disturbed in general.&quot; As you describe it neither they nor your municipal council will be convinced by that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My hope would be that if you peacefully collect the problems it generates and maybe potential solutions even besides turning down the volume (adhering to a mid-day silence period where children and other people who need it can rest for example or building an actual building with walls and some sound isolation, instead of using tents) you can have much better results in getting the municipal council to understand the problem as one the municipality is actually suffering under and act on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please understand that I am not from a community similar to yours, I just tried my best to understand the problem and the possibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T14:00:50.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13726" CreationDate="2018-04-27T14:14:41.767" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm editing my answer because I want to clarify something- &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I read the question as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have a problem studying; since I was put in this group, I can't get my studying done&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think the solution is to get the other people in the group to work quietly, but there is no supervision, they hate me, etc&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How do I get them to be quiet?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see that the other 2 answers to this question think (3) is the question they are answering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't. I think (1) is the real problem to solve here. (2) is an imagined solution to problem (1). It's imagined because it involves changing other people's behavior in somewhat antagonistic ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most cases, in my experience, this is an undesirable goal. Often it is impossible, and even in &quot;successful&quot; scenarios it leads to unhappiness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reframing the challenge in a way that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;involves fewer people&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is really only about your needs, not about your opinions of, or the behavior of, others&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is, in my experience- take that FWIW- a vastly more-likely-to-be-successful approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that context- it sounds like the direction to go is to go back to the management of the school and ask for their help in finding a location for you to study quietly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have relationships with the other people in the class, then it doesn't really matter to you how they are spending their time. You also very likely do NOT want to frame to management that you have a problem with them or that you want to control them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a student, that's not your job. Your job is to make yourself successful. Management's job is to provide the conditions under which you can best be successful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that context, my suggestion would be to respectfully approach the school manager you have the most comfortable relationship with, say that you are having trouble maintaining concentration and keeping your performance high in a noisy room, can a quiet room be found for you or some other arrangement be made. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be clear that you have no animus for the other students in the classroom you share, you have no right, no way, and no interest in controlling them, you only that you wish for help to find you a quieter place to conduct your studies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17248" LastEditorUserId="17248" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T17:12:30.977" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T17:12:30.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13726" CreationDate="2018-04-27T14:18:51.640" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;deal with noisy people in a classroom ,in absence of adult supervision&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are being faced with the same problem a teacher is faced with.&#xA;And the answer is divide and conquer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your description you describe the situation as impossible, yet the same people do listen to teachers ( assumption, else they would not be in school )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The school has an obligation to make sure the rules are being followed, for the benefit of all, so some occasional supervision is needed to set the tone.&#xA;Some schools appoint pupils as prefects to bring this discipline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the avenue of exerting the school authority via teachers etc. is the way to go.  A lot of schools also solve the problem by having a room that is supervised where silence must be followed, and has supervision all the time by someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the school cannot exercise this level of control, you probably should change schools.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T14:18:51.640" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13718" CreationDate="2018-04-27T14:22:55.027" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wonder what some principal of theirs would say to this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm .... I've heard your speeches and it seems you have good goals. But the way you show your religion, with these extremely loud megaphones, is very distracting and annoying - I want to get further from you because of that, not closer, where there's even louder. I talked with my neighbors and they &lt;strong&gt;all&lt;/strong&gt; say they can't stand it. I know you want to do good, so maybe there is a way to show it in a more attracting manner? This one now is only repelling, I'm afraid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show good will, show that you're open to them (even if you don't care), make them realize their mistake (the opposite effect to intended), but don't promise anything back. They will likely ask you to come to their ceremony, to which you can reply: &quot;If I will see that your members are stand up citizens, doing more good than other groups, I will definitely consider coming.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16937" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T14:22:55.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13718" CreationDate="2018-04-27T14:46:49.527" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to peacefuly deal with a loud religious group&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Information gathering.  You need to establish who is in control and why they believe making so much noise is a good thing.&#xA;10 am to 7 pm is a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This particular group might be more of a cult, than a simple group.&#xA;Unfortunately cults tend to view outsiders in a bad way, and interaction&#xA;is seen in only two lights, friends or enemies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making a lot of noise during the day, in most cultures is not something that&#xA;can be objected to, which is probably why they choose a friday to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such groups are also a passing thing, because the intensity can only be&#xA;carried on for so long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you know the type of group they are, how they react to outsiders and&#xA;why they are behaving as they do, you can approach the right person about  reducing the social impact of noise and increasing the caring support of the&#xA;community.  There is little point preaching to those who cannot hear, it&#xA;is just annoying, which is counter productive to their aims.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Certain geographical features carry noise further than it should while others&#xA;dampen down the noise.  The people may not be aware of this and be over compensating for things closer to their location.  Without investigating you&#xA;do not know where the problem actually lies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T14:46:49.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13708" CreationDate="2018-04-27T15:10:23.613" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have found the Socratic method to be efficient at not escalating discussions while also not agreeing with the the others and learning more about their positions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually after a couple of exchanges (or sometimes many more) you find something the other person can't justify and this is a natural ending for the discussion (assumptions aren't ever up for debate. Just don't). Or maybe the other persons turns the game around and you are suddenly the one trying to answer their curious questions until you can't anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are angry it's easy though to formulate questions which are also attacks and tempting to abandon the Socratic method (which is inherently calm). To avoid the former it's useful to keep the questions extremely simple and short and work your way through the topic &lt;em&gt;slowly&lt;/em&gt;. You may need to repeatedly remind the other person that you ask basic questions not because you think they are stupid but because you are trying not to assume anything about their positions. To avoid the latter, it's usually enough to be aware of the fact that you don't want to abandon it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course it's still easily possible to insult the other, but this method is a good starting point I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="436" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T15:10:23.613" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13726" CreationDate="2018-04-27T15:38:34.097" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;From where I come from, we have saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;Se não os consegues vencer, junta-te a eles&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;If you can not beat them, join them&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Half of them hate me, because I won't mingle and behave differently&#xA;and other half are their friends.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the biggest handicap to achieve your goals at the moment.&#xA;Regular noise doesn't bother my concentration, but I totally understand that it can be annoying, I guess it depends on my mood.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You cannot &lt;em&gt;win&lt;/em&gt; having 99% of the classroom against you. My strategy is a bit risky and will take some time to achieve. &lt;strong&gt;The goal is to change them from the inside&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Melt with the crowd&lt;/em&gt;, laugh, play along, don't study for a couple of days (I know this sounds crazy, but will help the &lt;em&gt;melting process&lt;/em&gt;). After 1 or 2 weeks, you should have &lt;em&gt;destroyed&lt;/em&gt; the &lt;em&gt;invisible wall&lt;/em&gt; between &lt;code&gt;you&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;them&lt;/code&gt;, and you'll be no longer the &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;nerd that sits on a corner&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;, when that moment arrives, you'll have their respect, more &lt;em&gt;allies&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;room&lt;/em&gt; to negotiate.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Life is a continuous negotiation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;, master that art!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10298" LastEditorUserId="10298" LastEditDate="2020-09-20T15:01:20.740" LastActivityDate="2020-09-20T15:01:20.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13737" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13679" CreationDate="2018-04-27T15:40:20.333" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Phobias - Your friend Hugh has some phobias, which dictate his behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Touching doors is one phobia.  It suggests that his other behaviours are&#xA;linked to how he views the world and threats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when most people understand opening a door for someone is polite and &#xA;nice, for him it could be the risk of getting germs overrides such an&#xA;idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to start a conversation with him regarding his phobias and how&#xA;this changes his behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would explain why a simple polite suggestion could be interpreted as&#xA;bullying because he is being forced to do something he does not want to&#xA;do because of the linked phobia that it entails.  Once you learn that &#xA;some are bounded by such restrictions, rather than it being rude, it is&#xA;a kind of prison inside which they are locked.  The great thing is once&#xA;the behaviour is recognised strategies can be used to compensate so &#xA;normal interaction is no longer a challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T15:40:20.333" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-27T17:41:59.240" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, waiters will offer complimentary things differently than non-complimentary things. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I get you started with something to drink?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This requires further feedback from you, which will usually involve reviewing the drink menu or knowing what you want (and thus understanding it costs something).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you like some chips and salsa to start off?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a yes or no question, which suggests it's being offered to you rather than suggested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't to say that a waiter couldn't say :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How about we get you started with some of our world famous jalapeno cheddar poppers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which aren't free, but in such cases, there is an implicit understanding that the customer will know it's not complimentary. Not because the customer is expected to know, but because if it was too ambiguous, enough people would say yes and upon discovering at the end of the meal that the item wasn't free would be some level of angry or upset, which would translate into complaints or bad reviews or lower tips, which would translate to that waiter not suggesting menu appetizers as though they might be complimentary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the US, it's generally safe to assume that water is free, and some item that is cuisine appropriate for the restaurant (chips at a Mexican restaurant, bread at an Italian restaurant, etc). So much so that they often don't ask. So some amount of experience can lead your understanding of whether an item is likely complimentary. If you're in a steakhouse and they ask if you'd like to start with some fried cheese sticks, and you've never had that offered to you at any other steakhouse, odds are good it isn't complimentary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any culture, I would assume that something is either &lt;em&gt;usually&lt;/em&gt; complimentary or it usually isn't. Based on those cultural norms, you shouldn't be afraid to assume something is complimentary if it usually is. On the other hand, if you live in a culture where it is completely arbitrary whether one restaurant offers something as complimentary and other one doesn't, so that it is never safe to assume (which would be a bit ridiculous, but hey, I don't want to judge anyone's culture), then there is almost certainly a culturally-acceptable way of asking whether the offered item is complimentary or not. If the custom in that culture is to say &quot;will that be free?&quot; then you shouldn't worry about seeming stingy, since it is the agreed-upon way of asking. If the custom is to say &quot;how much will that be?&quot; then that's the best way to go. Point being, anyone's first line of defense in such a situation is to rely on previous experience, rather than panic about coming across as stingy or greedy or inconsiderate. Rather than asking &quot;how to ask without looking stingy&quot;, perhaps the question should be: &quot;how do most people in xyz culture handle this situation?&quot; Try to learn the customs, rather than imagining a perceived slight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Per your &quot;house-made garlic bread and taro chips&quot; situation,  that sounds like weird customer service. I wouldn't expect it to be free either, and wouldn't hesitate to ask &quot;oh is that free?&quot; since bread is often free but fancy bread might not be. He should have said &quot;would you like some of our &lt;em&gt;complimentary&lt;/em&gt; fancy ass garlic bread&quot; so as to avoid that ambiguity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, the fact that they ran out 20 minutes later makes it sound nonstandard. Who offers free things but doesn't make enough for all the customers? If it is some special perk they offer to customers lucky enough to come in when it is on hand, it should definitely be emphasized that it's complimentary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as for your colleagues being disappointed, that sucks. But people get disappointed all the time, so it's almost unavoidable that you will eventually disappoint someone for silly reasons, even if you try to do everything just right. Also, they might have just been disappointed that they didn't get bread, not that you didn't ask for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking if it's on the menu is clever, but if your default is to say no because you're worried it might not be complimentary, I suggest relaxing that instinct a bit and assume 90% of the time a waiter offers something specific at the start of the service, it's complimentary. Asking &quot;I don't see water on the menu&quot; every time is going to get exhausting and will seem a bit strange to many waiters. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15727" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-05-05T04:24:21.190" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T04:24:21.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13718" CreationDate="2018-04-27T18:07:11.607" Score="49" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have lived in Africa all my life. It is a very diverse continent, so I'm not 100% familiar with the tribes and cultures local to where you live, but I do have a lot of experience living in a very culturally diverse, African community. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are exceptions, but generally African tribes and racial groups have a social, oral-based culture. Generally, they'll talk to random strangers in their own tribe as if they're friends (so for example, on the bus, the conversation sounds like everyone knows eachother when they are all random strangers). I had a conversation with my cousin (who does psychometric testing) and he has said he has had to adjust his testing because by usual &quot;western&quot; standards, &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; African race people he tests meet the &quot;outgoing&quot; criteria.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The majority of the time, the entire culture revolves around noise, music, dance, speech and social interaction. Weddings, funerals, church services and other traditional celebrations are generally very noisy affairs. It is incredibly different from the west in this respect (where people remain largely strangers from even their neighbors and respect peace and quiet). As such, you may find (as you probably have) that people in your community simply &lt;em&gt;don't understand&lt;/em&gt; how the noise could bother you. To them, it may be completely normal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have asked a couple of questions in the comments, because how much they listen to you is going to depend on:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How integrated you are into the community (how long you've lived there)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you can speak their local language  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How well you know your neighbors  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to deal with this situation, you really need to gain a better understanding of their culture and talk to your (local) neighbours about the noise. You've mentioned that you're white. If you go and talk to the members of the church about this, they're probably not going to understand that the noise is bothersome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best bet is to talk to your neighbors, people that are local and already understand and know the culture. What do they think of the noise? Does it bother them? In order to be listened to, you need to:    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have some kind of connection to the local community (neighbours, friends who are part of the culture)   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to them about the noise and see what they think (does it bother them)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; how to approach the situation. They may agree with you and see merit in your concern and have a local recommendation (perhaps a tribal leader they can approach who has some clout in the community). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very difficult for anyone outside of your community (unfamiliar with the particular tribe/group of people where you live) to give any kind of advice in this regard. The standard interpersonal responses given here are simply so far removed culturally from your situation that it is very difficult to navigate these issues without local help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-04-27T21:20:11.233" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T21:20:11.233" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13712" CreationDate="2018-04-27T19:09:25.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to establish a few points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your friends should not have changed the meetup location without&#xA;receiving confirmation from everyone, first.  If their text went&#xA;unanswered, they should have tried to call.  Having said that, if you&#xA;heard your text, you could have pulled over to check it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You lied to your friend when you said you weren't angry.  This didn't&#xA;help the situation, even if it avoided a confrontation at the time. &#xA;If someone asks if you're angry and you are, you cannot later&#xA;complain about it if you don't own up to what you're feeling and tell&#xA;them the truth.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you want to maintain the relationship(s), but you also want to confront your friend(s) over the problem.  I'd suggest contacting them and explaining that you are indeed hurt by what happened.  Start by apologizing for waiting this long to talk it over and for not talking to them at the time about the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approach it from your own perspective, and carefully avoid blaming them.  &quot;I would have loved to meet closer to my home, but I wasn't aware the meeting place had changed.  I'm upset that the group changed the meeting place without confirming it with me, first.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of the texting and driving, make it clear that when an urgent decision is required from you, you'd prefer an attempt at a phone call instead of a text.  You're more likely to hear a ringing phone in the car, and can pull over and call back if you don't have a hands-free setup.  Tell your friends these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, if they apologize, you should quickly accept their apology.  If they don't, then you should get over it, because you originally told them it wasn't a problem.  That's your issue, not theirs.  To your friend's credit, he asked.  Grant amnesty this time around, and wait to see if it's a pattern of behavior.  If it is, your friends lack the level of consideration you require from other people.  You should look for a group of friends who have more in common with your own values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16044" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T19:09:25.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13743" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13744" CreationDate="2018-04-27T20:54:58.370" Score="60" ViewCount="18583" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was working in my work space today and a female coworker came to give me  some information that I needed, then left. I'm male.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suddenly, when she was on her way back to her work space, I saw a stain on her white jeans. No doubts that was her period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't tell her anything because I didn't want her to think I was staring inappropriately because of where the stain was, and I thought she was going to feel embarrassed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what can I say when I face another similar situation? I don't want to make a female person feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14270" LastEditorUserId="521" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T12:52:54.433" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T14:59:37.320" Title="How do I tell a woman that her pants have a menstruation stain?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13743" CreationDate="2018-04-27T21:08:45.897" Score="123" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say you're sure, but you can't ever &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; be. It's easy enough to spill or sit on something. And it doesn't even matter: you don't need to tell her what kind of stain it is, just that it's there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just keep it simple, like you presumably would if it were anything else: &quot;hey, I think you have something on your pants.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can figure it out and take care of it from there, whatever it is. If that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; what it was, she gets to save face and hope that you didn't realize. If it's &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt;, then you've avoided making an embarrassing mistake. Either way, neither of you have to have a presumably awkward conversation about menstruation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure to say this in a way that no one else will overhear, and ideally not face-to-face either, to minimize embarrassment and remove any need to actually talk about it further. An IM would be a good choice &lt;em&gt;assuming IMing is normal in your office and you can do it immediately&lt;/em&gt;: it doesn't put either of you on the spot, she can take a second to answer, and she doesn't have to be in front of a person when she's in an embarrassing situation. If you're really graceful and able to project a no big deal vibe, you could try in person, but given that you were already uncomfortable and likely to be awkward &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; she was on her way out so you'd have had to chase her, it seems like a more difficult option. (If IMing each other isn't normal in your office, or you can't count on her getting it right away, then yes, do it in person as discreetly and casually as possible.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2798" LastEditorUserId="2798" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T14:59:37.320" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T14:59:37.320" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13745" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13752" CreationDate="2018-04-27T21:24:43.917" Score="3" ViewCount="726" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandmother is part of a sports fan club. This club is officially recognized by their team and receives exclusive benefits for their members such as early access to tickets that have early access to tickets that have a waiting list of months to years. The founder in question is one of my grandmother's oldest friends. A group of their friends put the club together a little more than fifty years ago so she's had plenty of time to get attached. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This woman is an unpleasant person, stubborn, loud, and generally abrasive. Right now, she is a co-chairperson of this club. She does very little now for the club other than cause tension. One example is that she demands someone print everything digital for her, admittedly, this is something fairly common among those uncomfortable with technology. In her case however, it is truly a demand and slows down club administration. Most of the people in the club value it too much to leave just because of her, but it has been voiced by a number of people that it would be much more enjoyable without her causing rifts.  Additionally, she does very little to actually help the club in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandmother, being a far more likable person, has to hear from the club members about how unpleasant this woman makes it (as well as experience the unpleasantness herself) and hear from the founder about how everyone is conspiring against her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is, for the sake of my grandmother's sanity: &lt;strong&gt;How can you convince a founding member to step down from their position of authority?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/5798/how-to-approach-someone-about-stepping-down-from-their-position&quot;&gt;This&lt;/a&gt; question is about taking someone's place, which my grandmother has no interest in doing.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; I believe it is registered as a non-profit. I don't know the exact structure since I'm asking on behalf of my grandmother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13666" LastEditorUserId="13666" LastEditDate="2018-04-28T18:44:19.747" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T14:00:21.163" Title="How to convince a founder it's time to let go of their &quot;power?&quot;" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13718" CreationDate="2018-04-27T22:03:27.250" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I grew up in Pentecostal churches in the Southern United States (since reformed). I'll start by being completely honest - you are in for an uphill battle. Depending on the particular congregation, Pentecostal groups often approach cult-hood. They place a heavy emphasis on a singular individual leader and often assume an us vs. the world mentality - believing they have a truth that others do not possess or only possess in part. An affront to their organization (even reasonable and truthful) is often interpreted as spiritual warfare, he or she who brings said message is considered a messenger of Satan. You cannot take on that type of radicalism head on, these people will be much more determined than you can imagine. They will feel it is their God commanded obligation to stand up  to any external oppression. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you are lucky and this is a sincere group of believers trying to do the right thing and just going about it in unique ways. If this is the case, you absolutely must use the Bible as your tool of reason. There are plenty of scriptures that refer to love being above all things and the necessity of order in the church. It will take some research on your part, and I'll add some references, but if you can show up with a Bible and show them from the very scriptures that they (and I for that matter) hold so dear that there is biblical support behind your asking them to respect their neighbors, maybe you get somewhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, the good news is that the really radical groups don't tend to last very long. This heavy reliance on a single individual usually means that when the individual disappoints them (and they will), the church rarely recovers from it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain that they are not showing love to their neighbors and thus they are misrepresenting the gospel that they are trying to proclaim. They are not drawing you to Christ, they are driving you away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mark 12:31; There is no greater commandment than loving your neighbor as yourself (is preventing my sleep love?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Luke 6:27; Do good to your enemies and those that hate you (is making my life miserable doing good to me?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mat 7:12; Do to others what you would want to do them to you (would you want me to play my loud music next to your bedroom when you are trying to sleep?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rom 13:10; Love does no wrong to a neighbor -- actually, all of Rom 13&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Phil 2:3; ...in humility ... Count others more significant than yourself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;1 Cor 13; Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain that the Bible requires order in the Church -- so that outsiders don't think they are crazy. Say that they are not giving the impression of reasonable people but cause fear and confusion; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;1 Cor 14:23; Therefore if the whole church assembles together and all speak in tongues, and ungifted men or unbelievers enter, will they not say that you are mad?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;1 Cor 14:33; For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. As in all the churches of the saints&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;1 Cor 14:40; But all things should be done decently and in order.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;1 Pet 5:5; Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rom 13:1; Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, I'm all about sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ (for those who might be ready to take up stones against me). I simply believe that love, truth, prayer, and living by example (not obnoxious behavior) happen to be the prescribed way of doing so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, good luck to you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17263" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T22:03:27.250" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13721" CreationDate="2018-04-27T22:15:17.833" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your ex probably threw your stuff to the trash, or simply does not want to bother with it, and she just says yes without meaning it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can get someone to check, it maybe worth it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be wary that depending on local laws, after some reasonable time without it being picked up, it becomes her property. I would ask someone quickly to check it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. I also had once a bad breakup, and while my ex told me she mailed me back a small Apple adapter that costed 80USD several times, it never arrived.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T09:00:33.753" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T09:00:33.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13748" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-27T22:41:13.493" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your description sounds suspiciously like a &lt;em&gt;quiet anger&lt;/em&gt; person (I don't know if there is a better name). While most people know that there are different type of peoples and have also heard of some specific cases like autistic people, &lt;em&gt;quiet anger&lt;/em&gt; types are mostly unknown to the general public. They are described by e.g. Marc McYoungs &quot;Cheap shots, Ambushes and other lessons&quot; and I also saw the same description by another self-defense book by a SAS instructor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Persons in general are getting louder and agitated if they get into rage. They also need time to get up into a fighting mode. This is not the case for &lt;em&gt;quiet anger&lt;/em&gt; types.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a &lt;em&gt;quiet anger&lt;/em&gt; type is threatened, they are getting unusually quiet. They visibly &lt;strong&gt;pale&lt;/strong&gt; which means that their body is preparing them for a fight-or-flight response: Blood is rushing into their extremities, heart rate increases, pain sensors are shutting off. It could be mistaken for fear, but their jaw clenches and their whole body is tightening like a spring which is cockening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are in this state, they often try to leave the scene because they know that happens to them and they want to get out of this state. &lt;em&gt;If you ever encounter such a person (especially the paling is a giveaway),&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;STOP IMMEDIATELY WHAT YOU ARE DOING, LET THEM RETREAT AND GO AWAY&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a person does not follow this advice and corner/follow/further enrage the &lt;em&gt;quiet anger&lt;/em&gt; type (yes, even trying to discuss is out of question), they will be &lt;strong&gt;attacked out of a sudden with ferocity and taken down until they are no longer perceived as a nuisance. The quiet anger type fights in this state with increased strength and durability.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, that's bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are they evil, psychopaths or mentally disturbed?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Could be, but unlikely, they come in all sizes, shapes and character alignments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do they have an anger management problem which could be mitigated by professional help?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Not really, while it may be able to delay the buildup, once the buildup is reached, it is too late; it is like asking an epileptic to stop his seizure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to do&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Marc McYoung who claims to suffer from this condition preferred &lt;em&gt;avoidance&lt;/em&gt;. Identify possible situations or setups which can develop into a hairy situation, see them beforehand and steer clear of them. As vsz explained, the danger is that sooner or later something really ugly happens and the authorities will step in and dish out prison time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a situation starts looking bad, try to divert attention and leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;One nice maneuver is acting and saying that you are sick and need to get out/to the bushes. The aggressor can choose not to believe this and risk getting puked on (not a nice experience) or let you go.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Confusion tactics by acting irregularly. Someone e.g. wants to intimidate you and says &quot;Give me your money&quot;. You look at your watch, telling the person deadpan &quot;It is 14:15&quot; when in reality it is 23:00 and continue walking. Some people are so prepared for the usual reaction that everything unusual throws them off and they need time to regain their composure.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others suggested, I do not think there is a really effective &quot;last warning&quot;. The more polite answers telling that you are getting out of the discussion and leave should be more than sufficient to tell people to get off your back, but bullies and people spoiling for a fight will ignore that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Resist the urge to find rationalizations for fighting. Some people want to move themselves into a position where they are &quot;forced&quot; to fight because they would lose face or they are (subconsciously) positioning themselves so that they cannot leave anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that many cultures need to &quot;save face&quot; and if they get cold feet, they still need to a rationalization to stop fighting. Look out for signs that they retreat, but are still making noise (threatening or insulting) to look good for themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a fight seems to be unavoidable, you can trigger an attack (so that people can witness you were defending yourself) by giving him the evil eye. Either the altercation starts right now or they will back out. Staring at someone &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a trigger for a fight, but the judges have heard that specific excuse &quot;He looked wrong at me&quot; for so many times that it has no merit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T22:41:13.493" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-27T23:42:01.763" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps a simple and straightforward answer like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This conversation needs to end. I need to leave before I become violent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Replace &quot;become violent&quot; with whatever feels appropriate, such as &quot;lose my temper&quot;, &quot;lose control&quot;, etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This effectively communicates how serious the situation is, and may also have a disarming effect since you're showing vulnerability by asking for help avoiding something you don't want to happen, rather than threatening. Whether or not this is a good thing depends on who you're talking with and whether they are going to take advantage of you for this or respect you for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2218" LastActivityDate="2018-04-27T23:42:01.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13751" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13743" CreationDate="2018-04-28T01:41:51.840" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would inform another female coworker, and ask her to inform the girl of the stain while NOT informing the girl that she heard about it from someone else. Certain women experience shame from menstruation. No, no one can be absolutely positive of anything. But a menstruation stain on white jeans is a pretty easy one to read! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm male and I wouldn't put a girl in the position of having a man tell her about it. Almost any woman would gladly cooperate with such a plan, especially if you express that it's for the girl's sake, not yours, that you are asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-29T04:54:15.843" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T04:54:15.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13745" CreationDate="2018-04-28T01:48:55.660" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that I've heard of being done is to not remove them but rather promote them.  You don't make them step down, you offer the chance to step &lt;strong&gt;up&lt;/strong&gt;.  Create a new position, something like &quot;Founding Chair&quot; and give it some ceremonial duties.  That takes the person out of the day-to-day role, gives them a grander title, and allows business to continue on with less of their interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest challenge is to convince the person that there's a benefit to them to take on this role.  Their duties need to be respected and they need to be seen as important - otherwise they'll abdicate their new honorary post and come back even worse and angry about being eased out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T01:48:55.660" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13698" CreationDate="2018-04-28T03:10:53.847" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer is fundamentally &lt;em&gt;ontological&lt;/em&gt; in nature, which is int&lt;em&gt;ra&lt;/em&gt;-personal and thus off-topic here.  However the &quot;Words&quot; part and the &quot;Actions&quot; part are interpersonal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Be integral&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What your thoughts think&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What your words say&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What your actions do&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a person to be integral, these things all match up and are in sync with each other. If words and actions don't agree, others view them as an unreliable person - liar, all-talk, hollaback girl.  And when the person realizes their thoughts, word and actions do not align, it undermines their own confidence in themselves, damaging their self-esteem, making them feel impotent and helpless, and when one is helpless, the only way to &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; powerful is to get angry.  But of course that is a lie, anger is not powerful at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lack of this is a lack of control and discipline.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell the truth and keep your word. Don't say a thing unless you definitely will deliver.  &lt;strong&gt;The best way to keep your word is &lt;em&gt;don't give it&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt; So don't make promises you will not positively follow through on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T03:10:53.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13755" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13745" CreationDate="2018-04-28T08:17:12.850" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to convince a founder it's time to let go of their “power?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to have a bit more ammunition than they want things printed out, and some members are annoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In every group there are people others do not get on with, and people are often dismissive of critical admin work.  Often an organisation needs a pain to get these things done.  I have often seen people dismiss the amount of work needed behind the scenes to get anything done for a group, until they have to do it.&#xA;And sometimes when you get rid of the cog that makes things work, there is no cog to replace them, so it all falls apart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you want to replace someone, anyone, make sure you know exactly everything they do.  One suggestion would be to get a volunteer to shadow them, so they get to see everything, and explain this is succession planning.  And the reason is because the job they do is so good, no one actually knows all the things they do, and without them this would all fall apart, and no one wants that to happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you know all the functions involved and work load, it will then be possible to see if anyone or a group are up to the job of succession.  And also at this point you may discover why this individual is a pain and why they are not letting go because they know it needs this type of dedication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T08:17:12.850" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13756" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13718" CreationDate="2018-04-28T09:10:42.987" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you can hear them from a mile away, besides being loud, I guess you are located in a pretty much open environment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you state that the culture is very tolerant, you don't want to put a religious fight tone on it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my solution is to go in the tolerant direction: they are loud and this can bother you and others because of the loudness, not because of the religion.&#xA;A solution could be to plant some trees around the church, so that the sound waves would not diffuse far away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could suggest it to the pastor, making clear that you don't want to obstacle their rites, but only ensure that there is less nuisance for the neighborhood. Maybe you can even gift or help them plant the trees to prove your good will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17270" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-04-28T09:57:27.043" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T09:57:27.043" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-28T11:12:02.560" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I personally feel it's the waiter's job to mention if something is complementary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a nice restaurant close to my work and they have complementary starters with two choices. Everyone who visits it for the first time finds it very confusing when they are asked to choose between them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also noticed two responses from new customers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A) Is it complementary?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You can just say you want to pass if it's not complementary at this point&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B) No, thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;At this point the waiter explains it's complementary and they usually pick a starter then.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Drinks are a bit more complicated though. My golden rule that seems to work in most of the cases is that if you are asked e.g. &lt;code&gt;Do you want something to drink?&lt;/code&gt;, it's not free. But if you are offered a single item or choice between 2-3 items (not like a long menu), it's complementary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more thing. I personally feel it's bit impolite to ask for something complementary later after you pass it earlier (as was your case). You can accept it the next time you visit the venue, but once you passed it, you shouldn't ask for it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Important Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I currently live in Germany. While I expect it to be similar, but I cannot say anything for sure for other countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12043" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T12:37:45.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13743" CreationDate="2018-04-28T12:58:58.000" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I tell a woman that her pants have a menstruation stain?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A stain on white jeans is a pain.&#xA;One could just point out there is a stain from sitting on something&#xA;and leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would simply say this as a dad knowing my daughters would be&#xA;so embarrassed if it was not pointed out to them.&#xA;Also wearing white jeans is a high risk strategy, lol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I put the argument being put forward the other way round, to not&#xA;point it out is just to not help someone about a situation that could&#xA;make them look bad, rather than being embarrassed about it, because&#xA;no woman would not want to know asap.  If you have a woman caught &#xA;short you know the panic this creates and sympathy and support is &#xA;what they need to deal with a purely biological problem of life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put it simply guys are often clueless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="16994" LastEditDate="2018-04-29T18:36:05.637" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T18:36:05.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13653" CreationDate="2018-04-28T14:38:22.277" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short Version : Your goal is domination.  Change your goal.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My question is: How should I phrase a last warning (or threat) so that it can hopefully make the situation deescalate ? (or that I can at least say &quot;I warned you&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The basic idea is flawed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can deescalate by simply walking away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that you're not looking for a way to deescalate, you're looking for a way to win, either by wining the argument or by intimidating the other person into backing down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not deescalation.  It's escalation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What else could a &quot;threat&quot; be other than an escalation ?  Would you regard someone threatening &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; as a deescalation ?  No.  You're regard it as an escalation (and from what you say as an &lt;em&gt;excuse&lt;/em&gt; to hit them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You threaten, they threaten, you threaten more, they threaten more ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue here is that your goal is not deescalation, it's winning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Change goal or change the definition of winning to &quot;recognizing this argument has no happy and useful ending and walk away is the nearest thing to a win&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To give a bit of context, let's say the person I'm talking to is a relative stranger and we are in a public setting (on the street, in the park or at a bus stop.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Walk away.  Ignore.  Make no response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does it matter if some complete stranger doesn't agree with you or you don't agree with them ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the up side of not walking away ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the down side of not walking away ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is better ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;EDIT : I don't ever get in such a situation with people I like, people who bring me to this level of anger can't possibly be my friends. So I'm not looking to &quot;be nice and friendly&quot; with my interlocutor. I'm trying to give them a last chance to back off before I smash their head in, because I really don't like hitting people (nor do they like that.) but I'll do it if they are looking for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This interpretation is completely self-justifying.  There's no self-criticism here at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are situations of your own making.  You can control the outcome by walking away, by &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; engaging in an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are &lt;em&gt;willingly&lt;/em&gt; engaging in the argument.  You are really &lt;em&gt;seeking&lt;/em&gt; an excuse to dominate the other person ( and that's what this is about : &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; wanting to dominate the other person ! ).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See this situation for what it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm trying to give them a last chance to back off before I smash their head in, because I really don't like hitting people (nor do they like that.) but I'll do it if they are looking for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is terrible &quot;logic&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's all about &quot;them&quot; having to back-off.  Well you &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; control what other people do (and again this seems to be about what you want to do : control other people).  Recognize this as a fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're not looking for anything : you are.  You're looking for a way to dominate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And very alarmingly you think that hitting someone (smashing their head in !) is a reasonable way to win an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not.  It's a reasonable way to get a life sentence for attempted murder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back off.  Walk away.  Don't try to &quot;win&quot; or &quot;dominate&quot; other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's simply about what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want, not what they want at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T14:38:22.277" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13743" CreationDate="2018-04-28T15:27:15.797" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a general &quot;Hey, I think you may have inadvertently sat on something dirty&quot; will do the trick. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She'll know to check, and she'll know you did not think it was due to her menstrual period (if really that is). Then leave, no big deal, as you do not need to hear her answer or her justification on what it is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will not feel embarassed, she'll forget quickly, and will not have to go through the embarassment of answering something (as she would if done through e-mail or IM)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you are right, and it comes from her period, the general thing to do in these cases is to play the dumb guy who cannot distinguish a blood stain from a coffee stain, and pretend she just sat on a dusty chair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user11175" LastEditorDisplayName="user11175" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T12:38:53.080" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T12:38:53.080" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13761" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-28T17:17:12.283" Score="3" ViewCount="859" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm not sure if this would better belong in parenting stack&lt;/strong&gt; I am happy to provide more information to try and help solve this. Culture context: Chinese Canadian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem summary&lt;/strong&gt;: My sibling (mid 20s) takes a shower and brushes teeth late at night (after midnight around 1 to 1:30 AM) which wakes me up as I try to sleep because we now live in a Jack and Jill setting(bathroom between 2 rooms). I would like to think the best way to approach this would be to simply explain my problem of sleep being interrupted and offer solutions, but it's ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose they believe I shouldn't need so much sleep (I find I need 8-10 hours), and I should live like them sleeping late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Related-ish Details:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are plenty of &quot;issues&quot; with my sibling. Enough text that it could belong in another post in parenting or interpersonal stack exchange. In summary (with regards to Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Effective People) they live a very &quot;pleasure centered&quot; life. Otherwise they &quot;hate waking up&quot; which may be part of why they sleep late not wanting to go to sleep and deal with another day. They tend to wake up around past noon 2-3 PM.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't dealt with their &quot;issues&quot; really as I'm not the parent. I have some resentment for the sibling due to the dislike of me and refusal to share in childhood, and I've been very busy with my own share of work (school and work terms). I don't find I have as much time or interest to drown in video games and shows to have easy common interests to speak of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sibling doesn't seem to care about anything besides enjoying their debaucherous lifestyle of doing whatever they want whenever they want. They have a part time job (I don't get an impression they don't care or seem to be trying very hard to get full time somewhere), play a lot of video games, watch movies/TV and browse the net in their room on their desktop or phone when out of room. They don't really contribute any housework either, and they don't really care about anything our parents try to get them to do or ask. My parents seem more and more resigned as time passes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've previously tried getting them to go to the gym with me, but they don't accept the invitation, despite they fact I believe they've had a gym membership for a very long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't been living in this house for very long as I've been very busy doing school and work terms elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Possible solutions/approaches and my thoughts of how they may fail. I thought it would be best to propose a few solutions to my sibling rather than nag them about the problem.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1.&lt;/strong&gt; Ask sibling to shower and brush teeth in grandparent's downstairs bathroom where it won't wake me up? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caveats: They probably don't even want to the walk down there despite the short distance, see/hear/smell grandparent, plus it smells like old person. They'll also probably ask why can't I sleep in grandparents room instead if I suggest this. Also maybe this isn't really fair to grandparent to possibly be woken up? However grandparent is quite old (high 90s in age, dementia, etc) and hard of hearing though, they spend plenty of time sleeping. Nowadays since grandparent can't do stairs sibling can conveniently spend most of their time upstairs and never have to deal with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2.&lt;/strong&gt; Ask sibling to shower and brush teeth earlier, even going as far as to ask them to do it everyday ~10PM, again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caveats: Done this before they don't really care, and even when I nag them to do it earlier they necessarily won't. Plus they might be &quot;too busy&quot; in the middle of a online game they can't pause, or want to finish an entire movie or TV episode. Like many humans they don't like being told what to do, or asked to do something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit: Months ago I said something the lines of &quot;hey can you shower earlier so it happens before I try to sleep?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The reactions I get is annoyance and disbelief, and essentially lip service to that it'll be done which it doesn't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3.&lt;/strong&gt; Get parents to ask sibling to shower and brush teeth earlier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caveats: They'll just ignore it as usual, or pay lip service temporarily. My interpretation is their habit and endless debauchery is more important than my sleep. How to make this a habit to stick and make sibling want to do this is what this solution lacks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4.&lt;/strong&gt; I go sleep in the basement where I'll be stuck dealing with the noise of the water tank and heater instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could attempt to avoid the problem but it doesn't really solve the problem of a lack of respect, and I don't like the idea of letting sibling just walk over everyone else in the house and setting another precedent of they can do whatever they want and everyone else has to work around them. Also problem doesn't necessarily get solved as now I have the water tank and heater instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose I can try them all. I have previously slept with ear plugs however I don't enjoy it and don't want to be wasting money on ear plugs for every single night. Ultimately I feel rather pessimistic as I don't understand how you can really negotiate with a party that doesn't really care or consider your needs reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later I hope to move out once I get full time work elsewhere, but that'll be in the future. I would appreciate any advice I can get, perhaps I am approaching the problem wrong and I must solve other related problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I previously read Crucial Conversations a long time ago but still feel like I'm at a loss of how to approach this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.slideshare.net/EduardoJimnez/summary-crucial-conversations&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.slideshare.net/EduardoJimnez/summary-crucial-conversations&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.wikisummaries.org/wiki/Crucial_Conversations:_Tools_for_Talking_When_Stakes_are_High&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.wikisummaries.org/wiki/Crucial_Conversations:_Tools_for_Talking_When_Stakes_are_High&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.slideshare.net/EduardoJimnez/summary-crucial-conversations&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.slideshare.net/EduardoJimnez/summary-crucial-conversations&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit: Upon proposing solution 1 and 2 to my sibling I was brushed off with as many &quot;yep&quot; and &quot;yeahs&quot; quickly to get rid of my, as I was interrupting them in a turn based card game, which doesn't demand immediate undying attention in my opinion.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17268" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T03:48:52.907" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T12:24:36.217" Title="How to best approach sibling about showering &amp; brush teeth at an earlier time, or elsewhere in Jack &amp; Jill setting as to not wake me up?" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;&lt;respect&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13743" CreationDate="2018-04-28T17:34:50.767" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd quickly communicate to a female friend of hers - who need not necessarily be a friend of yours, just someone you are certain is likely to do the right thing &lt;em&gt;for her&lt;/em&gt; - that their friend &quot;--- has some sort of unsightly mark on her trousers. Would you mind mentioning it to her?&quot;. It's best for a female to interface with a personal and female issue, and there's no need to say that it's been recognised as a period stain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17283" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T17:34:50.767" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13662" CreationDate="2018-04-28T22:20:34.050" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people are absent minded, or in deep thought about something, and don't take notice of what is going on around them. You say &quot;he definitely saw and heard him&quot;, but did it register in his brain? Maybe not. Not getting an answer when you say &quot;hi&quot; is nothing particular unusual. It happens. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can you ask without being confrontational? You can't really. Telling your roommate that he acted in a way that you don't like is confrontational. It may be justified, but it is confrontational. If you want to know what's going on, you can ask a non-confrontational question like &quot;So what did you think of my (family member)?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the roommate was in deep thought, they might say &quot;What (family member)?&quot; Then you've got your answer, totally non-confrontational. Otherwise, the answer might tell you why &quot;hi&quot; wasnt said. Your family member might have done something that your roommate instantly disliked. They might have worn a t-shirt with some writing that instantly annoyed your roommate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-04-28T22:20:34.050" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-29T04:27:43.267" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Assume Every Call is a Scam&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get approximately 10 calls a day that are fake. I get 1 call a month (or less) that's legitimate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless the call is someone in my Contact List, most calls I ignore and let go to voicemail (most of those hang up or leave a broken message that started playing before the beep - &lt;code&gt;delete&lt;/code&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If I do answer&lt;/strong&gt; and don't immediately recognize their voice as soon as the person starts speaking -- I immediately interrupt and say &quot;&lt;em&gt;Is this a recording?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time the pre-recorded message continues to play and I&#xA;hang up.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, it will stop, pause and restart, but not address my&#xA;question. I hang up.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Very rarely, the person will stop talking and say, &quot;&lt;em&gt;No. I'm a real&#xA;person&lt;/em&gt;&quot; or some such acknowledgement, and I will courteously continue&#xA;the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even with a confirmed &quot;real&quot; person, I will not confirm my identity nor give them any information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they ask for me by name (&quot;&lt;em&gt;Is X available&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, &quot;&lt;em&gt;Is this X?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;), I simply say &quot;&lt;em&gt;What is this in regards to?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they press on, I say &quot;&lt;em&gt;What company are you with?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they tell me it's urgent, or ask for any information whatsoever, I tell them &quot;&lt;em&gt;Thank you for the notification. Can you give me a reference number? I'm going to hang up and call the company back, right now, myself.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will &lt;strong&gt;never call any phone number they give me nor go to any website they give&lt;/strong&gt;. I will look on my statements or cards or lookup the official website myself for the real phone number and call them back. At this point, I will inquire about any issues and then work with them giving them information they ask for, as I now know exactly with whom I am speaking (because I called them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17297" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T04:27:43.267" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13768" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13761" CreationDate="2018-04-29T05:29:00.700" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would attempt honesty without blaming or accusing. It sounds like resentment has built up between you and your sibling, because of his/her irresponsibility and lack of respect for himself and the other family members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might pose some risk to you to be honest with him/her, because it might just increase your anger and resentment. The important thing is to realize that his/her behavior is not a reflection of you or your worth as a person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Knowing that, approach him/her rationally, and state the facts regarding your sleep difficulties due to his/her shower habits. Include the fact that your sleep schedule is not flexible, but his/her shower schedule is much more so, and that it is possible for the two of you to solve the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid accusing him/her, or allowing the conversation to divert from the subject at hand. If the subject drifts off course, just bring it back on focus. If (s)he will not hear what you have to say, or only pays lip service, and later reverts to his/her previous behavior, I would opt to use ear plugs while you sleep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention the cost of ear plugs as being a barrier to their use, but they are available at very low prices ($0.14/pair), and my experience is that one pair can be used daily for months or even years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had to wear earplugs for six weeks due to construction of a new sewer behind my house. They worked perfectly. The other thing you could try is background noise, like a fan, to drown out the shower.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might be the best option if you choose not to risk further aggravation dealing with your sibling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-29T07:06:36.940" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T07:06:36.940" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13708" CreationDate="2018-04-29T07:00:13.770" Score="-4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The beginning of this answer will help the OP understand the dynamics of the problem, which will assist in the solution to the problem. I have been objective in my analysis. Although, each person takes away from it according to his/her experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Observations I've made through years of experience and my insight into the human condition make intuitively obvious to me some of the principles I use. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The object of the mind is truth, because truth will set you free. What was truth is truth now, and it always will be truth. There is one truth. Everything else is wrong. If one thinks about it, does anyone want to be deceived? No one wants to be deceived! We all want to know the truth! What part of us wants to know the truth? The mind! So, the object of the mind is truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone is searching for the truth, because they want to be free of deceit. Political debating is a search for truth. Political beliefs that are untested on the battlefield of debate are weak and frail. Why are they weak and frail? Because they haven't been challenged. If I think the world is flat, and all my observations indicate this is true, but I've never been challenged in my belief, the belief is weak. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When any individual is presented with strong evidence proving their position on a political issue is incorrect, (s)he may react unpredictably, because political beliefs have become integral to his/her self-image. How does a political belief integrate itself into the self image? When political affiliation is made part of ones identity and brings self-esteem to the individual, it is part of the self-image.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When political affiliations become integral to the self-image, debate is no longer a search for truth, but the effort to preserve self worth and one's personal view of reality. Why is it no longer a search for truth? And why is political debate a search for truth? Truth is everything that is correct. Knowing the truth is essential for survival. Everything that ultimately reveals the road to life and happiness is truth. Why do people avoid things that will kill them? Because they know the things will kill them. That's truth at work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do we know that? Because no one would give up life and happiness without being deceived. Deceit is not truth. For instance, people who say they want to die actually want to be happy! They're deceived! Instead of finding ways to die, they should search for ways to be happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Political debate is for the purpose of discovering what will bring the greatest good to the greatest number of people. Then, what is 'good'? Good is everything which brings life and happiness. Curing illness is good. Death from illness is bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your girlfriend might be emotionally invested in her political beliefs, so she cannot rationally evaluate them. I only say that because she has an emotional response to debate. Those who cannot rationally discuss political opinions are emotionally invested in them. Otherwise, being presented with different views wouldn't be emotionally upsetting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such instances, which are all too common in an age when many seek salvation through political affiliation rather than by religious means; when the ideal standard of conduct is reduced to the minimum legal requirement; there is no intrinsic 'right' or 'wrong'. Each person simply chooses what is true for him/herself, and everyone else simply respects it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, all emotionally based political beliefs are equally correct or incorrect. Anyone can believe anything (s)he desires, because there is no objective measure of truth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Government becomes the source of all good, the solution to all problems, the ultimate authority over everything: the new god! No one can rationally debate anything purely based on faith. And in truth, many political viewpoints have no basis in reason. I'm not aiming that at any particular person. But it's always a possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyone is free to believe anything they want. If the belief is based on faith alone, without factual basis, revealing the truth may indict the belief as incorrect, and render the believer emotionally defensive and fragile. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is to find an alternative route to the source of political beliefs, which can be anything from latent rebellion against parental authority, misdirected anger at a former or current SO, justification of sin, rebellion against God, allegiance to a parent(s), love of truth, religious belief, hatred of humanity, justification of the sins of others, mistrust of government, rebellion against authority, fear of or affinity to masculinity, feminism, atheism, support or condemnation of certain behaviors, the desire to preserve liberty and/or a healthy economy, and many other motivations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is not an exhaustive list of possible motivations. So, let's say your girlfriend favors a ban on elective surgical abortion. The ultimate source of such a belief is religion. So, when I debate political beliefs, I am always on the lookout for tells that a certain belief is rooted in something non-political. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it's best to simply affirm others in their political beliefs, no matter how incorrect you think they are, because that will produce the confidence necessary for the other person to even consider other options. If your girlfriend knows that you accept her just the way she is, she'll be more willing to accept your point of view. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She wants to know how much you care before she cares how much you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By uncovering the hidden motivations your girlfriend has for believing a certain way, you will be able to discover the source of her emotional pain exhibited during casual political debate, and help her heal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastEditorUserId="16352" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T16:38:51.507" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T16:38:51.507" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13773" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13774" CreationDate="2018-04-29T10:46:36.617" Score="53" ViewCount="11914" Body="&lt;p&gt;Backstory: my girlfriend and I were at a sporting event, having casual conversation, but an announcement came over the loud speaker that caught my interest and I wanted to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I turned my head so that I could give a visual cue that I was trying to listen to something else, but she continued to talk. The problem was her volume of talking was louder than the loud speaker (due to proximity of both her and the speaker) so that I couldn't hear the announcement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation, saying something such as &quot;&lt;em&gt;please give me a second, I'd like to hear this&lt;/em&gt;&quot; would have made me completely miss exactly what it was I was trying to hear. My only reaction I could think of was to quickly stop her by saying &quot;&lt;em&gt;shh&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and focusing on the announcement. She didn't take it too well and I'm conflicted on whether it was the correct way to handle the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I better convey that I don't want to miss a brief announcement?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17301" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T14:57:26.843" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T12:47:14.220" Title="How to tell someone to be quiet immediately while listening to an announcement?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13773" CreationDate="2018-04-29T11:03:57.407" Score="125" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this context, I prefer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hang on&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unlike shh, it clearly conveys a sense of temporariness. Not &quot;don't talk&quot; but &quot;don't talk right now&quot;. It's also not something adults say to children (eg teachers, librarians) so it carries less &quot;baggage&quot; for the person hearing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I accompany this with pointing at the thing I urgently need to hear (in the case of an announcement, I point up) and afterwards I apologize for the interruption&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I thought that was going to be important [or whatever your reason was for urgently needing to listen]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry to interrupt you, [explain relevance of announcement]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;you were saying?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To indicate that the person's talking continues to matter to you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T11:03:57.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13745" CreationDate="2018-04-29T14:00:21.163" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Chairpersons don't just pop into existence.  typically they'll be selected for the role by a vote ( good old &quot;secret ballot&quot; :-) ) or be maybe the only volunteer for what can often be a thankless role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you want to move someone out of a role, you have to work within the rules of the organization.  In particular you have to offer an alternative that the majority see as better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you or your grandmother wants is not relevant to what the majority want.  You have to persuade them that what your candidate offers is better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My grandmother, being a far more likable person, has to hear from the club members about how unpleasant this woman makes it (as well as experience the unpleasantness herself) and hear from the founder about how everyone is conspiring against her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to you everyone &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; conspiring against her !  Her complaints are justified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have people tried &lt;em&gt;supporting&lt;/em&gt; this person constructively rather than complaining about her ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe this founder has other problems (health, etc.) and could do with more help and less whining from her club.  Think about it from their side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So my question is, for the sake of my grandmother's sanity: How can you convince a founding member to step down from their position of authority?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your &quot;grandmother's sanity&quot;, as you rather dramatically put it, can be served by your grandmother stepping away from the problem.  Removing the founder (which is honestly nasty sounding) is, therefore, not the only solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You probably can't force them out unless you can find someone else who they founder sees as an acceptable replacement.  As it's clear some of you are conspiring to remove her and she's angry at that (and who wouldn't be ?) you are simply not in a position to speak to her in a friendly way.  You might consider a third party intervention, but I doubt that would welcomed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise wait for a democratic option to appear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Democracy does require you put up with leaders you don't like sometimes.  A number of current examples leap to mind. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T14:00:21.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13773" CreationDate="2018-04-29T15:27:38.503" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't notice your tilted head, then--since this is your girlfriend--you could&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;squeeze her hand or thigh while tilting your head a little further to indicate something is happening outside of your conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work or you don't feel comfortable with the physical contact, hold a finger up, and when she notices, point to the speakers and tilt your head again.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is that &lt;strong&gt;you're signaling to her without making any sound&lt;/strong&gt;. This will help her realize that you're looking for a soundless response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After your announcement you can follow up with any of the wonderful slew of responses that &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/13773/how-to-tell-someone-to-be-quiet-immediately-while-listening-to-an-announcement/13774#13774&quot;&gt;Kate suggessts&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T06:18:58.333" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T06:18:58.333" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13777" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13783" CreationDate="2018-04-29T16:25:44.293" Score="-2" ViewCount="303" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have anxiety using the phone to ask for information. Somehow I end up forgetting something and then have to make at least another call. Or I get rude service (which I don't have time to complain about)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not even sure how to frame this question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line, I wish to feel comfortable using the phone to get information before, during, and after the phone call. How do to this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1st Scenario&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was calling my bank to inquire about certain fees at rates. This was the umpteenth time I was calling because I want to be certain of something before I invest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One broker was really rude, i.e. was giving wrong information, refused to give his last name (brokers always give their last name, I guess he thought he wouldn't make much commission on my account). When I asked to be transferred to a supervisor he said he is a supervisor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He said if I don't believe the information he is giving I can call back and get someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I got so frustrated I hung up. Then I called the same center, and got someone who was more helpful. This person even said, &quot;You just spoke to my colleague XYZ&quot; and I said yes. Then I started to say I know you guys are really busy, I want to get smart on finances, because if I'm smart on finances, I will invest more, and it will be good for your bank. Then I said, I understand, if my account had 3 billion (rather than 3 thousand), XYZ might have responded differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2nd Scenario&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making appointment for my Dad. I spoke to Dr's answering service who are able to make appointments. When I told my Dad he said, &quot;I never asked you to make appointment, only find Dr's hours&quot;. I had to make two more phone calls to get appointment cancelled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the answering service said they can only give message to office staff, then I will get confirmation (of cancelled appointment) when staff is in the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday (weekend) I heard old-fashioned land-line phone ring, and on caller ID, another phone number for Dr's office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I googled that phone number to make sure it belonged to office. However when I called, it turned out it was the Doctor's personal cell number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is Dr's personal cell phone number listed as his office's number, but I didn't ask (wasn't sure if that would be appropriate)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was stunned, and I said, &quot;sorry to disturb you, this appeared on my caller ID, and I thought it was the answering service returning a phone call.&quot; The Doctor said no problem, and he was able to answer a question I had (i.e. does he take my Dad's insurance). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was another question I had, and the Doctor said the staff is in on Monday (but I didn't ask what time Monday)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, I was very tensed talking on phone. Plus, I didn't want to take up Doctor's personal time, so I said, &quot;have a nice weekend&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, it's hanging over me that I have to call the staff on Monday. I am tensed that the situation won't get resolved and because of lack of interpersonal skills, general knowledge, it will be exercise in frustration (at the very least), or the office staff will get aggravated and won't help me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I hope I am expressing my issues correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12671" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T12:33:30.200" Title="How To Have Better Outcome After Speaking on the Phone" Tags="&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T10:27:23.457" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13773" CreationDate="2018-04-29T16:44:23.507" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could just say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wait&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or hold up a hand to show that you want to hear the loudspeaker instead. &quot;Wait&quot; is only one short word, and holding your hand up feels more kind than saying &quot;shh&quot; (at least to me). When she turns silent, you can put your hand down. When the announcement is said, ask what she wanted to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17310" LastEditorDisplayName="user17310" LastEditDate="2018-04-29T17:01:01.467" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T17:01:01.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13779" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-29T16:44:36.127" Score="2" ViewCount="568" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am from a school in a city in Dallas, Texas and an math olympiad enthusiast, but unfortunately no friend of mine in my school/city is really interested in maths. And going to any math club is not feasible for me due to I having a weird timing slot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I did what most math olympiad enthusiasts do - join a site called &lt;a href=&quot;https://artofproblemsolving.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Art of Problem Solving&lt;/a&gt;. People like me usually make friends and discuss about math with people who are also math olympiad enthusiasts from that site, but how to do that ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't simply private message some user whom I don't know  and ask &quot;Hey do you want to be my friend so that we can work on some olympiad problems together online and discuss them&quot;, because that may be simply count as stalking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, some guys make friends on that site by discussing problems and sending each other problems to work on, but I don't think that may be a good idea, because if I send a person X a problem/discuss alternative ways of solving something with X regarding some of his solution on some problem, then if he finds it interesting, then OK. But if X doesn't finds it interesting but he finds it too rude to mention that &quot;I don't find the stuff you're talking to interesting&quot;, then it can go in the opposite direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I develop online friends that share my interest?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17309" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-04-29T17:52:49.803" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T12:00:00.397" Title="How to make friends in an online math community (AoPS)" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13781" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13773" CreationDate="2018-04-29T17:58:37.797" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put a finger up to your mouth, indicating silence, and point to the loud speaker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is immediate and communicates your desire to listen to the announcement.&#xA;This is a very common way of handling this kind of situation, and everyone knows it is awkward. At the end you can apologize and explain what you were wanting to do, and why you had to quickly respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="1803" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T13:03:23.240" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T13:03:23.240" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13782" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-29T17:59:29.433" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can always ask if this appetizer is on the menu as well. If it is something that comes standard and free it would normally not be on the menu. Or you could say it sounds nice where is this appetizer on the menu? This would prompt as server to talk about it in greater length or to declare that it is not on the menu and it will possibly be free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17312" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T17:59:29.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13777" CreationDate="2018-04-29T18:05:35.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Write down the questions you need answering&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Practise going through your questions, and what you expect to be the likely responses.  You need to do this so you know follow up information that might be required if you have to go down this route.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk through your approach with someone else.  They can help point out things you may have missed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be over-kill, but when you have more than 3 issues to cover it is easy to get into the detail of one of them and forget the others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When talking, realise the person you are talking to is just conveying information to you, and you want them to be co-operative even if the subject might be quite confrontational, hopefully not with them individually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do this with my wife when having to talk through issues about my mothers medical and support requirements with the care home we deal with.  And I know&#xA;it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T18:05:35.523" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13784" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-29T19:07:57.913" Score="2" ViewCount="886" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two classmates often phone me, asking if I want to hang out. The times I have done so, I did not enjoy myself at all. We don't seem to share any hobbies/interests.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have already tried (didn't work in the long run):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;telling them that I am being somewhere else, and can't come (and it's true when I do)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;telling them that I'm too tired (does not have to be very tired at all)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;saying that I'll call later (which I usualy don't do)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think if I continue using the beforementioned approaches, then eventually they will stop asking. But those are all indirect approaches and - even if they stop - I fear they will think of me badly. I also think it is dishonest of me using these white lies to get excused of hanging out with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: &lt;strong&gt;How can I ask them to stop asking me to hang out?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Goals:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- I do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; want to burn any bridges, since I will still see them regularly in class.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- If it is possible without burning bridges, I would like to explain it honestly (I just don't like hanging out with them) and not rely on lies.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- I want to keep it as polite as possible&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- They accept that I don't want to hang out with them, but are not mad at me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The obvious approach is just telling them &quot;Sorry but I don't like hanging out with you&quot;, but I fear that they will be mad at me or think that I don't like (or even hate) them - which could have negative repercussions, seeing that there already is some bullying going on in my class.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;To be clear: I think they are nice people but I just don't like hanging out with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional info:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Country: Sweden&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Age: 12-13&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The mentioned classmates are not involved in current mobbing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17310" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditorDisplayName="user17310" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T13:15:10.500" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T19:27:13.993" Title="How do I ask classmates to stop asking me to hang out?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;sweden&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13708" CreationDate="2018-04-29T19:37:59.213" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since this is bordering &quot;relationship advice&quot;, some additional things to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;You don't have to be 100% right 100% of the time.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one of you can recognize that you or the other person is emotionally agitated the best first course of action is to eliminate from the debate the topic that is causing the agitation. Come back to it later to see if positions/feelings/biases have changed, but don't press the issue if it's not the basis for other arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Take it back to basics.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my wife and I first met we had a political talk about our beliefs on &quot;basic American freedom&quot;, &quot;Right to Self and Property&quot; and how &quot;legal precedent&quot; is often used as the basis for future, federal lawmaking. I avoided discussing party affiliations and labels, focused political subjects like healthcare and abortion. We found that we fundamentally agreed that American Rights and Constitutional Law is what makes America great.. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;..but then on specific positions like healthcare and abortion we fundamentally disagreed, and my wife and I also aligned ourselves with different parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result, I only ever discuss &quot;specific positions&quot; in terms of &quot;Right to Self and Property&quot; and usually the discussions turn out well. I suppose the suggestion here is to find a &quot;common ground&quot; that you two do agree on that may help you or they reform their biases, or at least find governing policy that you can both agree upon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find you truly carry different beliefs and-also discussing these beliefs always ends in confrontational or combative discussion, then this may be an indication that one or both of you are unwilling to change. If this is a fundamental disagreement between the two of you then you may also need to evaluate if remaining with this person is in your best interests (yours and separately theirs, &lt;strong&gt;it is not like ignoring a difference in religious opinion, political leanings tend to reflect how we make life decisions.&lt;/strong&gt; Thus, these differences can affect your relationship, marriage, the raising of children, shared financial decisions, where to work, deciding where to live, even how to live, and the list goes on) -- at the ripe old age of 20-something none of this will be a concern of course, but it should be.. This is why I would brazenly start a political debate on every first date, &quot;politically inept&quot; is a deal-breaker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Improve your argument by understanding the position more thoroughly.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also start a Q&amp;amp;A on the politics exchange for whatever subject(s) that caused you to agitate your significant other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on any arguments that seem to share the same basis as your girlfriends to understand their position better. If you can find winning points in a debate with others, you may find them useful when discussing the subject with your girlfriend in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also has the upside of allowing you to hone your argument without pissing off your girlfriend :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17315" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T19:37:59.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13787" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13784" CreationDate="2018-04-29T22:05:59.747" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, I'm pretty impressed with your English.  (I assume you are Swedish and speak it as your first language.  Speaking a foreign language is not an IPS skill, but one needs to give credit where it's due.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, you're putting your friends off.  Eventually they'll get tired of calling and quit doing so.  But you want to tell them to stop calling because it's not fun to hang out with them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest being honest with them.  &quot;Thanks for asking.  The last times we've hung out, it hasn't been fun for me.  I'll pass, thanks.&quot;  That tells them that you didn't enjoy hanging out with them.  Then, if they call again, I'd suggest telling them that &quot;I'm just not interested in hanging out any more.  Thanks for inviting me, but I'm just not interested in it any more.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't blame anyone.  Don't say it's you or it's them.  It's just not fun any more and time to move on.  You don't want to say anything hurtful; you just want to tell them that you aren't interested any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're going to have to do this multiple times in your life when you leave jobs or break up with boyfriends/girlfriends.  So I'd suggest paying attention to how this goes for you and learning from it.  What worked?  What didn't?  What could you have done better?  This is an important interpersonal skill - telling someone you aren't interested anymore - and learning how to do it gracefully is very important.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-29T22:05:59.747" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13779" CreationDate="2018-04-30T00:13:31.207" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first step toward making friends is interacting with people.  You are right that e-mails out of the blue would be a little off-putting to the people you are trying to reach and I agree that asking your question would be seen as creepy, especially if that crosses gender lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I look a look at AOPS and noticed there that it has a community.  I'd start there.  Post online and see who responds.  Then base your responses on people who respond to you.  You may find people who think like you and have the same issues you do.  You'll possibly run into some trolls, who you can safely ignore.  The important thing is to not try to force things too quickly.  Post, respond, and let things develop in a way that all feel comfortable with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest never asking &quot;do you want to be my friend&quot; as that comes across as desperate.  But you can definitely develop communications and post/response dialogues with a lot of people from all over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With respect to posting online, I'd also suggest staying out of news sites.  I lose all hope in humanity when I read some of those posts.  Stay within this particular AOPS community and you should be able to connect with people from all over who share your interests.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T00:13:31.207" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13791" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-30T01:35:04.647" Score="2" ViewCount="168" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a condo and park next to my neighbour in the lot. On multiple occasions as I've gotten out of my car, I've noticed an open can of beer or cider in the the front cupholder of his vehicle. Open containers of alcohol anywhere in a vehicle is illegal where we live (Ontario), as I understand it. I can't prove that he's drinking and driving, or even drives with it as an open container (he's also a smoker, maybe he uses an empty one as an ashtray?). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're casual acquaintances on good terms with each other, and I'll chat with him for a while if I'm outside while he's having a smoke (which isn't that often). Is this something I should try confronting him about? I feel like if he is doing something as socially unacceptable as drinking while driving, he's not going to care what I have to say (plus, I could come off as nosey for looking in his car. It's not something I've been doing on purpose). At the same time, I feel like I need to do &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; since he's potentially putting other's lives at risk. Is this even any of my business?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do? Should I do anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17319" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T01:35:04.647" Title="I'm worried my neighbour drinks alcohol while driving, should I confront him?" Tags="&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-04-30T02:26:28.107" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13761" CreationDate="2018-04-30T06:34:46.133" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no best approach for this. I doubt there is an approach that will work, or at least get you the result you desire. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get the feeling there is a lot of silent hate/ resentment between you two, or at the very least from you to your sibling. This may very well be 'deserved', but keep in mind that hate is never a useful emotion to spend time and effort on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what I suggest;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to see things from their perspective, I bet that they feel as if they are getting 'shit on' from all sides. Even though that is clearly not the case, that does not change the way they feel. And the way they feel is what governs how they react and live their life. Your parents must sense/ realise up to a certain point that something is amiss with your sibling but probably don't understand it, neither do you. As you see them as losing themselves in debauchery and see them as a hedonist. But I am pretty sure something is at the base of these issues. While being negative and/or offensive will feel justified, it will not help you further. Try to make some middle grounds every now and then, and perhaps things will better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this particular issue and situation, I don't think there is an easy way to get the result you want. Your sibling is too apathetic/ lazy to care for your needs and take whatever little effort that is needed to accommodate to your wishes. Your parents will not be of much help for this, and your sibling knows, they rather take a bit more whining from the parents for a short while then changing long term. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, disregard everything I said before, and play it brutal. They like to stay up late and dislike waking up but don't care for your sleep rhythm at all. So why should you care for theirs? Wake up at the crack of dawn, get in the joined bathroom, and do everything. Shower, brush your teeth, whatever and be as loud as can be. Put on some music, sing as you shower. Neighbour is mowing the lawn? open the windows. Need something from your mom? Scream down the stairs instead of walking over to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Play the same game and do it twice as hard. It won't take long before they come to you to complain and then you can bargain. It will take a few cycles of this before they actually change something because they need to 'learn' it will also benefit themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T06:34:46.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13795" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-30T07:07:07.480" Score="2" ViewCount="469" Body="&lt;p&gt;I went to my supervisor's office the other day to update him on my task status and I started by saying: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, Good Morning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He did not reply, kept on looking at his screen and drinking his coffee. When he noticed that I stopped talking he said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hmmm...Yes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not the first time he interacts with me in this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &quot;can I stop telling him &quot;good morning&quot; without being rude?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could it be that I should just go straight to the point without any greetings or will it sound impolite? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as a side question: why would a person purposefully not reply to a friendly greeting? (the last question could be very vague, sorry for that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17325" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T07:40:35.750" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T19:04:15.840" Title="How to interact with a senior colleague who does not reply to my greetings?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13795" CreationDate="2018-04-30T07:31:12.607" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to interact with a senior colleague who does not reply to my greetings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are just too busy to be polite, I guess... (joke)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not change &lt;em&gt;anything at all&lt;/em&gt;. You are polite. Period. Because when people act the way this senior does, mentioning their behavior will eventually attract only more rudeness. Maybe sometimes they'll show a lack of understanding too. &quot;&lt;em&gt;What?! Me? Rude?! How's that?!&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When acting in a professional environment, just act professional. That's the basic recommendation of standard behavior at a workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say: keep it the way it is, as you're doing nothing wrong...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T07:31:12.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13795" CreationDate="2018-04-30T07:46:21.323" Score="5" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't skip the formalities, but after a &quot;Good Morning!&quot;, just pause for half a second or so, then continue with your agenda.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What &quot;Good Morning&quot; means&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you say &quot;Good Morning&quot;, it grabs your supervisor's attention, and under normal circumstances he will just intuitively wait for your concerns at hand (in this case, your task status update). Thus, to him, a greeting is just a formality, and is secondary to the purpose of your visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have worked for a couple of companies during my Industrial Attachments during college, and I am also faced with similar situations like yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Good Afternoon!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few moments,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Supervisor: Yes what do you want?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From that point on I realised that since the formalities were just a way of starting to bring up your agenda, I changed my salutations to be as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good afternoon! (pause for half a second) This is an update on my progress on the project, ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This takes away the awkward silence that ensues when you wait for him to reply you. Don't skip the formalities though, otherwise it would feel like as if you are &lt;em&gt;barging&lt;/em&gt; into his office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Why superiors don't reply to greetings&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They often have a busy schedule / several tasks at hand and may be in the middle of a task when you arrive at their office. Therefore, the primary purpose of your salutation is to make your presence known, and not so much of expecting a reply. If you start to talk about your agenda and he stops you by saying,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Give me a moment as I finish this up...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then the silence is no longer awkward and you can continue to speak after he's done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. not sure if awkward is the right word to use here, but it does carry the meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T07:46:21.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13582" CreationDate="2018-04-30T08:14:30.007" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A simple question like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How are you doing today? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should be sufficient. I commonly ask this question during a phone call to someone, especially if they're waiting for something (e.g. a computer loading). It makes the caller feel appreciated (even if you don't appreciate the call) and can make for a more rewarding interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This response is a lot more natural then some of the answers here, the only problem I can see is if they do not give you a chance to ask the question - i.e. a break in conversation. In that case perhaps interrupting and asking a more direct question would be more suitable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12641" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T08:14:30.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13628" CreationDate="2018-04-30T08:22:16.207" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well similar thing happened to me during my stay in the UK. I had ordered for a Fish &amp;amp; Chips, the waiter asked if I would want some peas to go with it. Well I am aware of the up-selling they have to do to boost sales, so I passed. Later on I realized it was included in the meal. So, if you had already ordered and they offer you something on top of it you can politely ask,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You - Does it comes with the meal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Waiter - Yes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You - Sure, I'll have some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Waiter - No&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You - Thanks, but I think I'll pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5203" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T08:22:16.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13795" CreationDate="2018-04-30T09:14:34.170" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am like your supervisor in many respects, even though I am just a senior software developer and - only - local computer savvy person. When I am focused on something - i.e. thinking hard - it takes some time for me to pull my attention (seconds) away from whatever it was that I was doing. So, whenever someone says good morning to me and I am busy, you will either get an automatic 'morning' or other acknowledgement after a second or so and then I'll just continue with what I was doing unless there is some kind of followup. Just standing there expectantly will not grab my attention sufficiently because I am focused on the screen. It will take several tens of seconds for me to register that someone is apparently wanting my undivided attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It works much better when they follow up their good morning with an actual question. This results in one of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can leave my train of thought on the back burner for a bit so I turn around, smile and give them my full attention possibly including an answer to their question&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'll respond with a &quot;Give me a second please while I finish my typing&quot; when I am in the middle of a micro task requiring concentration. This can take up to a minute. I can substitute typing with another phrase if I am just thinking, because I will have to memorize where I was before giving the person my full attention.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'll respond with a &quot;Not now please, I'm dealing with a bit of a crisis. I'll get back to you later&quot; when in fact I am dealing with a crisis and the priority of that crisis is greater than the person's question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much of this is related to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Working_memory&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;working memory&lt;/a&gt; of which I only have a limited amount. Answering a question or taking in information requires me to give some of that amount up in order to process it. Drinking coffee while typing or thinking is nearly automatic, I need to give up very little working memory for that task. Acknowledging a greeting is also fairly automatic but requires verbalization so it requires a little more working memory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question, your appeal for attention could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, good morning [pause for one to two seconds].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will either get an automatic response, nothing at all or full attention. Regardless of the answer, your followup could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to give you an update on my task status [pause for one or two seconds, unless you have full attention already]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you did not get full attention you will either have it now or you have been told to wait by one of the other two modes of handling outlined above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T09:14:34.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13802" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13896" CreationDate="2018-04-30T09:16:10.910" Score="52" ViewCount="14199" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my last two cinema trips I have had disruptive people in the cinema. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One was a group of 4-5 early 20s men, one of whom in particular was talking very loudly. I stared at him until he looked back at me, and I did the international sign for &quot;what the hell are you doing?&quot; (holding your hands up in a sort of shrug with a scowl on my face) and he did it back to me sarcastically, and continued talking. This angered me, and I said loudly &quot;If you want to have a conversation, *&amp;amp;!# off somewhere else and do it&quot; which was met with threats of physical violence... but he did then shut up for the rest of the film. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most recently this weekend there were people sat next to me and my wife who were on their phones a lot, not talking but mainly texting. The light from the phones was very distracting. About 10 minutes from the end of the film one got their phone out and wasn't even doing anything, he was just scrolling through pages of apps looking for something to do. This annoyed me and I said &quot;Can you put your phone away please? The movie isn't finished yet&quot; and all I got back from him was &quot;Just watch the movie yeah? Don't worry about me on my phone&quot;. I replied &quot;I'm trying to watch the movie but the light from your phone is very distracting&quot;, which was met with &quot;just watch the movie&quot;. I protested some more and was met with deflection &quot;you're raising your voice now just watch the movie yeah?&quot;. Ultimately I left it but it ruined the moviegoing experience for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please bear in mind that there don't seem to be ushers in the theatre in UK cinemas anymore - at least there haven't been in the cinemas I've been in for the last 10 years or more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My options seem to be either to leave the theatre, find an usher and report the behaviour, or to attempt to deal with it myself. I'm not keen on leaving the cinema to find an usher because a) That involves me missing part of the movie and b)The usher may not even do anything - even if they come into the theatre the person might not be on their phone anymore. This leaves me to try and deal with it myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly the whole thing makes me not want to go to the cinema anymore. I feel like there's an increase in entitled behaviour which I've also encountered at music gigs. There seems to be an &quot;I've paid for my ticket so I can do whatever I want&quot; mentality and I suppose in a broader sense this is part of what I'd like to try and combat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm aware that my previous approaches may not have been the best - how can I do better to quash this disruptive and annoying behaviour? My goal is to make people realise they're being disruptive to others and change their behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I've also contacted the cinema chain to ask for their input so I will update when I've got their position on it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12461" LastEditorUserId="12461" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T11:57:30.527" LastActivityDate="2019-09-30T21:27:14.707" Title="How to deal with disruptive people in the cinema" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13761" CreationDate="2018-04-30T09:26:17.503" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Living in close confines with other people is not something most people get away from early in life. With exceptions of course, many young people move out of family homes into shared student accommodation. Most people's first home of their own is small and if it isn't shared then it is often close to other people's accommodation, sharing walls or ceilings/floors. The point I am making is that if you were to get away from your sibling, you might find yourself dealing with the same or worse. It is important to think about this when approaching an interpersonal solution because you must be &lt;em&gt;reasonable&lt;/em&gt; in what you ask of them, and arguably what &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; reasonable is only what you could expect of other people in a similar situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the information you give I would say that your conflict is not really about how your sibling thinks &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; should live, but about &lt;em&gt;how they want to live themselves&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion, given that you have already tried talking to them, is just to &lt;em&gt;live your life to your routine&lt;/em&gt; and see if &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; can't impact on your sibling's routine the way you feel their lifestyle is impacting on yours. See, their showering at 1am is waking you up. But presumably if you rose at 7am and showered this would wake &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;! I appreciate you said they often stay in bed until 2pm so they could just go back to sleep for the day. But could you spend some time at home - enjoy your own space the way you want to, play some music, live &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; life? If they &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; sleep during the day then maybe they'll have to sleep at night like you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the above suggestion sparks a discussion from your sibling, perhaps address it like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You must agree that you and I live to very different routines. I sleep at night and I work during the day. Your routine disturbs me as much as mine disturbs yours. If you can't go to bed earlier than you do, could you at least shower before I go to bed so it doesn't disturb me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot let other people's life dictate yours. Unless you can afford to buy your own fully detached house in a quiet neighborhood then this is something you may face again, only next time it wont be your sibling you have to talk to about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T09:26:17.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13802" CreationDate="2018-04-30T09:45:33.003" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the disruptive person is within whispering distance, often a polite but firm &lt;em&gt;&quot;can you please be careful of your language / put the phone away / turn down the volume&quot;&lt;/em&gt; suffices. I recently had to do this myself with a fellow cinema-goer who found a particular plot twist quite shocking (I'm in the UK too). If they ignore your request or are too far away, this is the time to find an usher. The longer you leave them, the more they will think they can get away with their disruptive actions. Unfortunately, inconsiderate people like this are perfectly aware that you have no legal power to MAKE them comply and will assume you will not pursue it further. Equally unfortunately, it's always a gamble going to the cinema if we end up near one of these people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Theatres may not always have one usher per theatre, but there will be some staff member available somewhere who can deal with the problem. Cinema staff are (or should) be trained to resolve these problems. If they really cannot get rid of the disruptive presence due to improper training or it taking you too long to find a staff member, you &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be able to argue for a refund or a free chance to watch the movie again. Beyond this, there is little you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T09:45:33.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13807" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-30T11:07:55.330" Score="2" ViewCount="254" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had gone out with a few friends and one took some pictures of us. I know he took several, but for some reason he put a really bad one of me with 2 other friends on Facebook. (bad in the sense I wasn't looking at the camera and unintentionally making a stupid face). The picture has already received several likes. My name isn't tagged in it, but we have a lot of mutual friends and I just don't want everyone seeing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely ask him to take it down? I'm relatively recent friends with him and being from Japan I get the sense he may be very sensitive to negative feed back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does something like the following work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You took so many good photos and I'm making a ridiculous face in this&#xA;  one, would you be able to switch it with another photo?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to have him take the photo down and not offend or put strain on our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17331" LastEditorUserId="17331" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T12:28:32.663" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T12:28:32.663" Title="How to ask somone to remove a picture from social media that you look bad in" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-04-30T12:55:29.413" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13779" CreationDate="2018-04-30T12:00:00.397" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;People like me usually make friends and discuss about math with people who are also math olympiad enthusiasts from that site, but how to do that ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My initial thought is that you got this backwards. Some people are friends IRL with an interest in maths and if one of them finds a site like AoPS they'll tell the other so they can both explore it together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also, some guys make friends on that site by discussing problems and sending each other problems to work on&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you know this? As far as I could tell at first glance the entire site is based on posting interesting questions on the forum and let people post answers to them there. That doesn't look like it's an easy way to start friendships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It &lt;strong&gt;does&lt;/strong&gt; sound like a really good way to fullfil that craving for interesting math problems. Similarly to how I'm interested in finding out about interpersonal issues and how to deal with those (which brings me here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the more logical step to make math-friends would be to start IRL I was a bit confused about your first couple of sentences:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but unfortunately no friend of mine in my school/city is really interested in maths.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From this I conclude you do have some friends with some common interest, just other than the math. Since you can satisfy your math craving on that site, aren't those friends enough?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're not, then I still find this statement a bit odd:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And going to any math club is not feasible for me due to I having a weird timing slot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How is it possible for the other people in that math club but not for you? If you're really only interested in math, how could it be so hard to make time to join such a club? Since that is exactly the place where you want to be (based on your question here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's finally assume that I'm wrong in the previous parts and that you really do want to find an online friend via that site. Try looking at it this way then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're sure that (based on which sub forum you're looking at) you and the other people replying to your questions (/ you replying to theirs) are having a common interest. How can you go wrong with sending them a personal message like this one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi &amp;lt; future friends name &gt;, I noticed you've been answering a couple of my math questions and I've had fun solving yours as well. I'm looking for someone to have some more direct discussions with about these kinds of math problems. Are you interested as well? Hope to hear from you soon, Alex K Chen&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're interested they'll probably respond soon after seeing your message (i.e. within a couple of days). If they're not they'll just ignore the message altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just look through a couple of your questions/answers to see if you start to recognise some recurring names of other math-enthusiasts there and send them a message like this one :) Who knows you might prove me wrong and make a great friend online like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last remark: the questions I ask you in this answer are purely rhetorical. Their purpose is to make you think about it yourself rather than answer them to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T12:00:00.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13777" CreationDate="2018-04-30T12:33:30.200" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also often struggle with calling people over the phone, but I've found the following can help&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Write down what you want to ask. This will help to make sure you get all your questions answered. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have information that you might need to provide at hand. For example, write down your customer/order number if you have one, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do some research beforehand if possible. I've had to make calls before where there was just a small part of the process that I didn't completely understand. If you have researched all the rest beforehand and can convey this to the person you are calling, they will be better able to answer the part that you really need help on instead of also having to explain the rest.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't wait too long with calling. Eventually you'll just make yourself crazy, so its better to just make the call and get the answer you need. Also, it helps to remember that most people who answer calls have probably received a question like yours often, and most of these people genuinely want to help you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have a pen and paper ready to write down some notes of the answers you receive. I know that the stress of having to make the call and receiving all this new information sometimes kind of overloads me, so it is important to make short notes so that you can later review the information you have received. Also, kind of repeat and paraphrase the answers you receive, so that the person you are calling knows you have understood them and can provide clarification if you missed something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17333" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T12:33:30.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13812" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13815" CreationDate="2018-04-30T13:48:17.440" Score="5" ViewCount="516" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been watching the Japanese version of Naruto a lot, recently, and the word &quot;dattebayo&quot; really stuck with me...&#xA;Not necessarily a good thing, but I'm doing it pretty much unconsciously now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been told to &quot;grow up&quot; by my friends, and I'm quite sure that pretty much all people except Naruto aficionados are going to think that I'm an unstable guy that's not yet mature (btw I'm 17)...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Previously, I had a tic of repeating every word I said in my mouth after saying it aloud, as if to check if it's correctly been spoken or not...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question here is that does a verbal tic affect the listener's understanding in any way, and does it have any impact on their perception of whether one is saying the right thing or joking about? Does it make them feel disrespected? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I only find myself using these verbal tics when I'm talking to friends, it automatically stops when I'm talking to parents, teachers, older people etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm not actually mentally unstable. At least I'm unaware of it, if not anything else :)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-02-26T19:36:16.317" LastActivityDate="2020-02-26T19:36:16.317" Title="What are the effects of using a verbal tic in informal speech?" Tags="&lt;language&gt;&lt;verbal-communication&gt;&lt;respect&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13813" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13773" CreationDate="2018-04-30T14:05:00.317" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the general case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hold on&quot;, &quot;Just a second&quot;, &quot;Hang on&quot;, &quot;Wait a moment&quot; are inoffensive and appropriate for most conversations and people, and adding an apology and explanation afterwards lessons any possible offense.  &quot;Sorry, you were saying that ... [recap their last few words]?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By apologizing and immediately repeating what they said - or the last part of what they heard - you indicate the conversation and their words are important to you, and you don't allow the interruption to further distract you or them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this specific case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you are at a sporting event, with your girlfriend.  You should have shared expectations of what will occur at the event, and that there may be times when it's appropriate to pay attention to the action and announcements, even in the middle of a conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above suggestion will work, but if the interruptions are frequent or fast paced, even &quot;hang on&quot; might not be fast enough to catch the announcement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A frank conversation beforehand might be useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm here with you because I want to experience this event with you. Due to the nature of the event there will be lots of time for us to talk and pay attention to each other, however there will also be many times when unexpected action or announcements occur.  When there's an interruption to our conversation that either of us wants to pay attention to, let's look away from each other towards the speaker/point of action and stop talking, maybe holding a finger up, then resume our conversation once the action or announcement has stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If we do get into a conversation that shouldn't be interrupted, hopefully one of us will recognize it and suggest we have that conversation later when we can focus more on each other. I really want to avoid hard feelings due to a game interruption, hopefully we can both enjoy the game and each other's company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="468" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T14:05:00.317" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13814" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13802" CreationDate="2018-04-30T14:19:58.050" Score="55" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yeah, it's unfortunate people behave this way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, reading what you've written it sounds like you might initiate those encounters with an angry or annoyed tone. While you have every right to feel that way, maybe try to approach people more calmly and politely. Just ask them, as calm as a Buddhist monk, &quot;Excuse me, would you mind turning off your cell phone? The light is distracting me.&quot; Assume they're decent, well meaning people who lack self-awareness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approach someone angrily (even if it's very subtle), people have a tendency to dig their heels in and refuse in order to save face. If you're super calm and polite about it, sometimes they go out of their way to help you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you try this approach and people are still rude -- you're right, people suck. :) It's worth a try though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17338" LastEditorUserId="17338" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T15:50:16.010" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T15:50:16.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13812" CreationDate="2018-04-30T14:20:07.587" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A verbal tic &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; have impact on someone else understanding your speech based on a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.webmd.com/brain/tic-disorders-and_twitches#2&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;WebMD&lt;/a&gt; article on tics.  I cited WebMD not because you have a disorder, but becuase it it the closest hard evidence I could find related to tics. In addition, even if theoretically you had a tic disorder, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.healthline.com/health/transient-tic-disorder&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;it might just be transient&lt;/a&gt;. But you can control it, so there is 0% chance that you have a disorder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the listener feeling disrespected, it sounds like more of a problem with that person than with you. Most people &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.iusmm.ca/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-and-tic-disorder-studies-centre-/tic-disorders-/truth-about-tics.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;just get used to someone having a tic, unless it is loud for some reason&lt;/a&gt;. Given that common response to tics, it is safe to assume (from the given link) that &lt;strong&gt;you will not lose respect&lt;/strong&gt; due to a tic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that your friends chide you for this says something more about their character if anything else.  And, as for the second note, my link to &quot;The Truth about Tics&quot; dispels the mith of any link between tics and other psychiatric disorders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;tl:dr &lt;strong&gt;Not to worry&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11821" LastEditorUserId="11821" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T16:11:49.130" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T16:11:49.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13795" CreationDate="2018-04-30T14:59:22.000" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is something missing in this interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you got a moment?  I just want to .......  Can we arrange a time to or do it now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously when you approach anyone you hope they are free and available&#xA;to make this contact.  You need to acknowledge this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is literally no obligation for someone to acknowledge ones greeting&#xA;unless they are available.  If you establish a relationship where they are&#xA;happy to just have you raise issues instantly, you need to know what to &#xA;talk about and when it is opportune.  If it is just sharing, and you are&#xA;wasting their time, unfortunately you will find they are not keen to initiate&#xA;such an interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T14:59:22.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13820" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13827" CreationDate="2018-04-30T15:27:35.603" Score="8" ViewCount="1602" Body="&lt;p&gt;Long story short, this weekend while playing with my sister she ended up leaving a large scratch down my face beneath my eye. It's pretty shallow and has barely hurt, but it's very obvious (as it's almost 3 inches long).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Already today I've gotten several &quot;What happened to your face?!&quot; at work. Responding with &quot;You should see the other guy.&quot; and then recapping the full story after some laughs was fun the first few times, but the novelty is wearing off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My issue is with ending up having to retell the same story repeatedly and in the same way every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I handle the conversation after being asked &quot;What happened to your face?&quot; in a way that will prevent me from having to re-explain myself in the same way every time?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T15:44:06.783" LastActivityDate="2019-06-24T18:32:21.163" Title="How to respond to &quot;What happened to your face?&quot;" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13795" CreationDate="2018-04-30T15:32:00.567" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It’s simple really. He is your supervisor. He is at work. He may be doing something that requires deep focus on the task. He may not want to be interrupted in his work. You are interrupting, which can destroy minutes of focused thought, and he manages to ignore you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you do? You quietly disappear so you don’t disturb him any further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T15:32:00.567" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13822" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-30T15:43:10.050" Score="32" ViewCount="15492" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend is getting married, and another mutual friend is planning his bachelor party, to which I’ve been invited (we’re all in our early 30s). Initially, my mother wanted me to take it upon myself to invite my younger brother (mid 20s) along, but I was quickly able to convince her that unilaterally modifying the guest list would be inappropriate. However, she still thinks I should contact the best man to get my brother invited officially. I don’t want to put my friend in that position, and anyway, the plan is to get a place on Airbnb, which was reserved with the current guest list in mind. I’ve told her that asking would make me uncomfortable, but she insists that “it’ll be fine.” I don’t &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; she’d take it upon herself to contact the best man directly, but I want to get this settled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of factors that make my mom’s insistence less crazy than it may seem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All the principle actors have known each other for many years. I’ve been good friends with the groom since elementary school and the best man since high school. They’ve both spent a lot of time at my parents house over the years, and know my brother fairly well from there. Additionally, we all were involved in my high school and community theatre programs backstage, including my mother who would volunteer as the props and/or costumes mistress. I also used my position in the hierarchy of the theatre club to create a program that allowed junior high students to work backstage in high school shows (since the junior highs in the area didn’t have theatre programs), which meant my brother spent considerable time working with us. Finally, the best man, my brother and myself were all in the same scout troop (which my father was the Scoutmaster of) until we graduated.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Because of the above, I’m certain the best man wouldn’t be able to reject any suggestion of inviting my brother out of hand. He might even feel obligated to invite him or at least pass the buck to the groom, which I definitely don’t want.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My only reservation is that I don’t want put my friends in the position to have to say “he can’t come.” My brother is pretty rad, and he certainly wouldn’t ruin the party. He knows some of the other guests better than I do, and the only ones he doesn’t know, I don’t know either.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other miscellaneous info that may be relevant:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I’m currently living with my parents while I attend the university my dad happens to work at, and they refuse to accept rent. It’s difficult to even convince them to let me buy groceries or the occasional pizza.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The groom is fully informed about the party and the guest list.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As far as I know, my brother doesn’t know about the party, and I don’t think he’d be upset to know he wasn’t invited. He WOULD be upset if he found out anyone tried to get him invited after the fact (though Mom disagrees).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Resolution edit:&#xA;I had dinner with the groom and some other friends last night who are also going to the bachelor party, and the party came up organically. Basically, a few of the activities that are planned have a 12 person limit, and so that’s the cap on the party. The groom wanted to let one of his alternates know if any of us can’t make the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I told my mom that there’s a hard cap of 12 and he already had to cut people, she went “oh, well that makes sense. I thought you’d just go to a bar or have a house party or something.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit edit: Apparently there's some confusion. I am not conflict averse. I was a Marine for 9 years. I routinely inject myself into social situations in which some form of inequity appears to be occurring, such as rude customers berating staff or men obviously bothering women (or occasionally the reverse). The problem here was that if I had shut my mom down cold, she'd have gone behind my back either talk to my brother or the best man directly. Which would have blown up in her face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17342" LastEditorUserId="17342" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T03:59:55.707" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T11:48:22.067" Title="How do I convince my Mom I’m not inviting my brother to someone else’s bachelor party?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13812" CreationDate="2018-04-30T15:47:58.227" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Naturo uses verbal tics to make his speech sound unique. In certain contexts (certain situations with certain people) that is perfectly acceptable. It's more or less using an exclamation as a persistent element of speech, much the same as Jesus Christ did with the word 'amen', which means 'truly'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many cultures use such devices, especially among youth, and lower classes who habitually mingle profane exclamations into every sentence. This habit occurs across many cultures. As a general rule verbal tics are considered linguistically informal, incorrect, and low-class. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But middle-class teenagers many times imitate the behavior of lower classes as a form of ridicule toward those who have less privilege. I realize Naturo is an animated series, but if you examine it you see that he developed the verbal tic in response to his mother, who uses it to express excitement or anger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say you are much better off learning to express yourself in a way that is acceptable to your social stratum as a whole, not turning verbal tics on and off depending on whether or not the hearer will accept them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I grew up in an upper middle-class family with both parents University educated. So I learned to speak correctly. But when I went to visit my Mother's relatives during summer each year, some of whom hadn't finished high school, and who were mostly beer-drinking, gun-shooting, working-class folks; I developed bad speech habits in a short time, some of which have stuck with me if I'm not careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In retrospect, I think it would have better if I had tried to always speak correctly and properly, because after a while your speech becomes a part of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As afar as imparting disrespect to your hearers, I would say you show lack of respect for yourself, by adopting a mode of speaking that is not seen in a positive light. However, as Christ has proved with the word, 'amen', verbal tics are not always a negative characteristic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T15:47:58.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13822" CreationDate="2018-04-30T15:52:24.643" Score="101" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer I'd give Mom is: &quot;It's not my party&quot;.  I wouldn't offer excuses or tell her anything beyond that.  Yes, she may want your brother, for some reason, invited to the bachelor party.  But it's not her party.  Or yours.  Or your brother's.  Whoever is arranging the party has decided the guest list, there's some expense associated with it, and these are the people that are invited.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try to reason with her, she most likely will try to overcome those objections.  So I'd stick to facts.  &quot;Mom, I'm not in charge of the party.  Someone else is arranging it and they're deciding the guest list.&quot;  &quot;No, I'm not contacting them.  This is who they've decided to invite; we can get together after the wedding and have fun with the groom&quot;.  &quot;Whether we think it will be fine or not is immaterial; that's the guest list.   that's been decided and I'm not the one determining if it will be fine or not&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just stick with facts and don't offer excuses or other courses of action.  Eventually she'll understand that it's not about HER family; it's about the groom and his event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T15:52:24.643" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13826" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13822" CreationDate="2018-04-30T16:48:57.120" Score="16" Body="&lt;h1&gt;How I See Things:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Weddings are carefully planned events, with the guest list being one of the most carefully considered pieces of the puzzle. In planning a bachelor party, the best man is seeking to optimize the experience of the groom by inviting those people he deems &lt;em&gt;closest&lt;/em&gt; to the groom. As you state in your first point:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ve been good friends with the groom since elementary school and the best man since high school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, it seems like this particular bachelor party is for a group of friends that go way back, having shared developmental experiences (I assume that the relationships between the best man, groom, and other invitees carry similar weight). If these are the qualifications for being invited to the bachelor party, your brother is tangentially related, and does not meet them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I Think Your Mother Sees:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your first point, you mention that your brother has spent considerable time with some of the bachelor party group. I believe your mother is misinterpreting your brother's role this group because of this past observation. Seeing her older son and his friends hanging out with her younger son was probably something that made her very happy. In light of this, it makes sense that she could see him not being invited as exclusionary, causing her to push for his invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How to Proceed:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mother perceives this situation differently than you do, but convincing people to see things your way is quite difficult and often impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simple truth of the matter is that the party is not about your brother. Your mother is looking out for what she &lt;em&gt;perceives&lt;/em&gt; to be the interest of her son, but &lt;em&gt;the party is about the groom having a great time&lt;/em&gt;! I would recommend sitting down with your mother, tenderly stating that you will not be asking for your brother to be invited, and re-iterating the above point. Perhaps placating her with knowledge that your brother will be invited to the wedding will help adjust her assessment in the importance of your brother in the group. If she remains insistent, it's time to start shutting down her advances with direct statements like &amp;quot;Mom, I'm not going to ask.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Tl;dr&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bachelor parties are &lt;em&gt;highly exclusive&lt;/em&gt; events tailored (to the extent of knowledge and research of the best man) to suit the enjoyment of the groom&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The relationship between the groom and your brother was deemed not to meet certain standards of depth&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Exclusion from the bachelor party does not mean your brother is being rejected from any particular group he was a part of&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17163" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T17:15:08.987" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13820" CreationDate="2018-04-30T17:04:32.470" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You pick a version that you don't mind repeating, then simply repeat it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in an accident that involved me getting 5 weeks of hospitalization and 4 months of crutches.  I simply thought of the most basic version of the story and used it for everyone that I didn't care to go into the details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="451" LastEditorUserId="451" LastEditDate="2019-06-23T08:03:01.060" LastActivityDate="2019-06-23T08:03:01.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13802" CreationDate="2018-04-30T17:09:16.207" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often encounter a similar situation where people are talking when they're not supposed to. I will attempt to draw an analogy between my situation and yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer to study in silence, as I am easily detracted and often processing highly technical material. As such, I place myself on a silent floor of my school's library. There are signs everywhere that say &quot;silence, respect others,&quot; but to some people silence means whisper. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How I Deal With It:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) I relax and give the people talking a moment. If I enter this interaction with resentment or a sense of self-righteousness, even if I am totally in the right, I may not achieve my end goal, which is silence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) &quot;Shhhhhh&quot; is the next step. Often, others on the floor will back me up with some of their own &quot;shhhh&quot;s, indicating to the people talking that a collective finds their behavior unacceptable. I repeat this a few times until I feel that it is having no effect. This is usually as far as it goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) I get up, walk over to the people talking, and address them politely along the lines of &quot;I would really appreciate it if you took your collaborative work to a different floor.&quot; Remember, people hate being told what to do! Much more so when it comes from someone they see as their equal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) If this fails, the final step is to go down to the front desk and speak with one of the staff. I have never had to go this far, but the culmination is having someone with authority ask the talkers to be quiet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What's Different in Your Situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in a study context. People are stressed, and may have a word occasionally to decompress or discuss work. As such, the people in my situation are more receptive to my needs and requests. In your situation, however, it is socially accepted that talking is taboo, meaning that the person talking is actively ignoring the needs of others. Simply, they're more likely to be a jerk. In such a case step &lt;strong&gt;(3)&lt;/strong&gt; may be unadvised, as it could lead to the outcome you described. More likely, a combination of steps &lt;strong&gt;(2)&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;(4)&lt;/strong&gt; may lead to the most direct resolution of the problem. If you have reached step &lt;strong&gt;(4)&lt;/strong&gt;, and have to exit the theater to find an employee to tell the talkers to be quiet, I would also request a refund as your enjoyment of the movie (your primary goal) is probably pretty shot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think step &lt;strong&gt;(1)&lt;/strong&gt; is still useful, as it will reduce the adrenaline produced in steps &lt;strong&gt;(2)&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;(3)&lt;/strong&gt; and allow you to salvage more enjoyment from the negative situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Tl;dr&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember, your primary goal is to enjoy the movie. Act calmly and this is most likely to be achieved. Avoid abrasive behavior!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If shhh-ing fails, just get an employee to remove the talking people, request your money back, and leave.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17163" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T17:09:16.207" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13831" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13795" CreationDate="2018-04-30T19:04:15.840" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think he's telling you, &quot;Just get to the point. I don't have time to chit chat with subordinates.&quot; That is fairly common in a workplace context. A supervisor might act that way because (s)he doesn't want to be on a personal level with subordinates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past when I have had the same problem, I simply attached a Post-It with my greeting, a short description, and preferred method of contact. Then, I simply made a bit of noise and left it on the desk without saying a word. If (s)he looked at me, I simply smiled. If (s)he spoke, I responded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always walked away slowly, just in case (s)he wanted my immediate attention. Then I became a supervisor and it all became so clear! Everyone always wants  something. There's no time to get 'my' work done! Formalities are nice for people who can afford the luxury, but I really couldn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, (s)he might be intentionally slighting you. In the case you suspect that, you might want to find out if (s)he treats everyone that way, or just you. If it's just you, you can be sure someone else knows why. You might investigate, and try to correct the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T19:04:15.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13832" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13708" CreationDate="2018-04-30T19:07:16.560" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to venture a guess that you and your girlfriend are not arguing over whether a small government surplus should be spent on increasing the pay of school teachers or sanitation workers, or about the merit of a proposed change in zoning regulations, or whether a new federal office building should be built in your town, or a larger city near by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Politics around health care is literally life or death for many, many people.  Do you think your girlfriend should get treatment if her pregnancy is killing her?   That's a political question.  &lt;strong&gt;Political issues are personal&lt;/strong&gt; for many, many people.  And not because they are political junkies looking to over-identify with something abstract that has no real world consequences, but because people literally live and die based on political decisions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when you say she is sad because you don't agree with her political views...well, maybe she is sad because you don't agree with &quot;Our blood, our soil&quot;, or maybe she is sad because you do.  If you won't give even a hint of what you are arguing over, both scenarios are possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T19:07:16.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13822" CreationDate="2018-04-30T19:12:28.053" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Less is more&quot; in this situation.  Tell her &quot;No, and we aren't going to discuss this anymore&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mother is very wrong for inserting herself into this.  Her children are grown-ups, she doesn't get to dictate what they do, she shouldn't be arranging the social life of either of you, she gets zero input into the party of a totally unconnected person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T19:12:28.053" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13834" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-04-30T19:23:18.890" Score="2" ViewCount="681" Body="&lt;p&gt;About seven years ago a five-year, live-in relationship of mine ended. We stayed friends and, though I now live in a different country, we still keep in touch, albeit casually and not often. In real life we see each other perhaps once a year (since we share friends) and once or twice a year we chat over messages (like for birthdays). She works in a popular public place so I can always reach her in person if I wanted to and was in the country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we were a couple I loaned her money. Bits here and there. By the end it amounted to a non-trivial sum, like thousands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She actually started paying a small amount back at the start, presumably when she had a moment of empathy, but then stopped after a couple of months. So she knows she owed me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm normally a passive and non-confrontational person. However, I feel that, as she has rich parents, a rich partner, buy lots of clothes and goes on plenty of exotic holidays, while I have an almost opposite life to that, I wonder, just wonder, if I could get that money back, and use it towards improving things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I maximize my chances of her paying back the money that she owes me? For example, what would the email or text message read like?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit of extra info. There is a good chance I will see her in person in a month, but I was planning to send her a message before then. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that if the money had less value or we were good friends, I'd write it off. At the same time, I'd rather remain on relatively good terms with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7593" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T15:47:46.330" Title="How to maximise the chance an ex will return money I leant her" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13784" CreationDate="2018-04-30T19:27:13.993" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would ask myself, 'If I have nothing in common with these two people, why do they want to hang out with me? What do they get out of it?' Then ask yourself, 'Are there other people I'd prefer to hang out with? Or, do I prefer being alone?' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An old friend called me after some years to invite me to a heavy-metal concert. But I'm not interested in smoking pot and listening to deafening music at a concert filled with partiers and burn-outs. So, I politely declined the invitation. I could have suggested a different activity, but I just wasn't interested in having him/her as friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't want to offend, because I've never burned a bridge. You never can tell what the future holds and who will end up in which positions! But I didn't want to encourage him/her either. You only need to politely decline a few times before people don't call anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could suggest an activity that the three of you can agree on. I know  when I was 13 or 14 the kids at my school were interested in pretty much the same things: music, partying, sports competitions, dating, hanging out, family, etc.. I never found anyone I just didn't like.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T19:27:13.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13836" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13840" CreationDate="2018-04-30T19:39:40.747" Score="12" ViewCount="15904" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a birthday gift for my friend who lives in another country. I know what his address is, but I want to make sure he can receive packages or see if he moved or something. I also don't want to just take a chance and send the package because it's very expensive and some items are not retrievable. I've never mailed a gift before and I'm scared something will happen to it or he won't receive it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I was going to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, is your address the same?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I think this might sound weird... I don't want him to make him suspicious that I'm sending something because I want it to be a surprise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask for his address without raising suspicion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17347" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T21:26:55.363" LastActivityDate="2020-06-02T17:07:23.543" Title="How can I ask a friend what his address is without raising suspicion about a gift I'll send them?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13834" CreationDate="2018-04-30T20:16:27.637" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she owes you money based on verbal agreements; that is, you gave her some money and specified it was a loan, not a gift, to be paid back at some later time; there are two ways to go about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can remind her of the times you lent her money, and also tell her that you could really use that money now. If there is any way she could pay it back, you would be very grateful. You might have to come to some agreement as to the total amount, and work from there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is well off financially, I think she would agree. But she also might think that she didn't really mean much to you while you cohabitated, because otherwise you would have willingly given her the money out of love, without wanting it back. Then your chances of recovering it drop significantly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second way is to file a lawsuit. I don't know how it works in every jurisdiction, but in the US she would be subpoenaed to court. If she doesn't appear, you would win by default. If she appears, and the two of you are in agreement that the money is owed to you and the amount, a judgment is entered to compel payment. The judgment gives the lender certain additional rights to further collection actions, such as wage garnishment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would just treat it casually. Things change over time. Your financial position might change a lot in a few years. I know when I split up with my ex it was supposed to be 50/50, but I basically moved out and let her have whatever she wanted from the house. I wasn't going to make a big deal about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She thought she made out like a bandit! But I knew I would have less problems if I didn't push the issue. In fact, throughout my entire life I have never loaned money. If someone needed money from me I gave it to them for the promised of a future favor from him/her if I ever needed it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my ex is still underemployed, struggling, living in rental housing, alone, unable to enjoy life at all. I have more than I can spend, I only have to work 10 hours/week, so I can basically do as I please. Obviously I love imparting wisdom to others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bible says, &quot;Lend and ask nothing in return.&quot; I've always done that and I've always had more than what I need! Plus, people love me for it! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T20:16:27.637" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13836" CreationDate="2018-04-30T20:21:47.887" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be candid with them: you're sending them a gift. They need to know that to give you the information you need about how you should send them that gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to give them a nice surprise, but an out-of-the-blue present is for the times when you already understand how to handle sending them stuff. This isn't one of those times, so I don't think you should go for that. If you beat around the bush you might be left without important details you need to know if you're sending them a package.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in that situation a few times in my life: I'm close friends with someone, they live somewhere else in the world entirely, and I want to get them a gift. So I've been up front with them like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, it's your birthday in like a week or two. I've got a gift I'd like to send you, it's about this big. How can I send you that? Where should I send it to? Do I need to do anything with delivery times or signing or something to get it to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They'll still get a nice surprise:&lt;/strong&gt; You telling them this at all! They'll almost certainly be surprised and appreciative to hear you're sending them something, and that's pretty great too! They can be pleasantly surprised again later by what it is, if that's still a secret, or happy to get it if the gift is known.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What this means is you get all the necessary information off them that your delivery can actually arrive safely at the right location with the right details so they can receive it properly. Sometimes they'll need you to send it to a relative or PO box depending on their mail situation at home, or there will be a specific spot it should be left to not get stolen, or an apartment complex access code the delivery company should use, etc. That's the kind of stuff you won't be told if you're not direct with them about what you're doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The times I've done this, I've even sent my friend a screenshot of the online delivery form (or photo if it's paper) to make sure everything looks right before I submit them to the delivery company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They'll still be appreciative of your present (I hope). If &amp;amp; when you'd next like to send them an unannounced surprise present, you can do so then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Even when I bought a friend some notebooks, and even discussed with them the notebook they'd like, they were still delighted by the chocolate slab they didn't expect to be included in the package.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3556" LastEditorUserId="3556" LastEditDate="2018-04-30T21:08:38.713" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T21:08:38.713" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13822" CreationDate="2018-04-30T20:46:13.590" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to suggest that your relationship with your brother is good. I also assume that both of you have good relationship with your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been in a similar situation, &lt;strong&gt;I discussed this with my brother&lt;/strong&gt; and together we found out a way to make her understand that his presence was not a good idea and that he was very fine with this (my exact situation was different from yours and the actual solution irrelevant - but we wanted to &quot;preserve&quot; our mother as much as possible so that she is happy with the outcome)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T20:46:13.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8422" CreationDate="2018-04-30T22:09:56.977" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lead, and engage people in activity - eg if you are a skilled cook, plan a meal that will be outstanding but requires everyone's assistance. Bonus points for managing to send groups of two or more people on errands - that tends to have them bring up topics amongst them that can enter the bigger conversation circle later. This will keep everyone off TV for a while, and might make YOU more TV tolerant later on since you will enjoy relaxation after activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4399" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T22:09:56.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4269" CreationDate="2018-04-30T22:49:53.807" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do not try to convince her that what she is about to do is &quot;wrong&quot;.  Make it clear from the start that you will support any position she chooses, and that you will be there for her through the good and bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to convince her to do something she does not want to will likely solidify her decision (if it isn't already) in spite of what others warn her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you speak &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt; her, find out her side.  Bring up concerns from her parents and other family members.. but keep it clear that the decision is hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you should also speak with her parents and convince them that the decision is hers as well, and they need to be supportive of her choices regardless (nobody will seek support from those who will say &quot;I told you so&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is a way to create a prenuptial agreement or a way for the parents to limit the inheritance to her alone.. maybe you can also suggest that? You can't stop her from giving him money, but she can protect herself from the scam  you described or a bad divorce if it does come down to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17357" LastActivityDate="2018-04-30T22:49:53.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13743" CreationDate="2018-05-01T00:44:56.917" Score="-9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put up an obviously joking voice and go &quot;Girl, you really shouldn't be wearing white on your period! Count your days!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a joke, but the point is, if you clarify you think it's not a big deal, she won't think it's a big deal. Signal your comfort, in whichever way you do, and don't press the issue from a gender perspective bc holy moley that triggers people nowadays. ('period stain', 'women's stain', no - just 'stain' or 'spot' will have to do) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17358" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T02:22:46.590" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T02:22:46.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13847" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-01T04:32:21.707" Score="0" ViewCount="598" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner broke up with me few days ago and it is very surprising and devastating for me. For last 6 months we were in a great relationship and everything was going good. So, a little bit about the history:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I met her through a matrimonial website through both our parents, and we were trying to understand each other and it was going great until last two weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, I have been very busy and, because of stress, I had a rather bitter conversation with her and argued over a few things which are very important for her. After the heated conversation I did not talk with her for 5 days. When I called her to say sorry, she said she thinks we are not compatible and should see other people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can not get over it. I feel she is saying this because she must still be upset. We both have invested a lot of time in the relationship and I do not understand how just one argument in just one week can break such a nice relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to know after what time should I contact or try to contact her so I explain my situation and clarify my behavior. She is a very nice lady and I do not want to lose her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been born and raised in India but I follow my traditions and customs loosely; She was born and raised in the US with mix of both Indian and Western culture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17360" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T11:39:08.347" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T11:39:08.347" Title="How to contact to partner after breakup who does not want to talk" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;&lt;online-relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-05-01T10:13:45.387" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13847" CreationDate="2018-05-01T04:57:04.077" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say everything was going great between the two of you, but you also say that you had a bitter conversation with your partner and argued on things that are important for her. Could it be that your relationship was not as good as you thought it was?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think if she decided to end the relationship you should wait for her to contact you when she wants to. Problem is that might never happen if she is sure of her decision. I would suggest &lt;strong&gt; not calling her but writing a letter or an email &lt;/strong&gt;in which you clarify you behaviour as you want to do. You can end the letter or email saying something that now you will not try to contact her and wait for her to do so if she want to discuss it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By writing instead of calling or meeting up, you leave your former partner the choice of not giving and answer right away - or even not at all - and give her the opportunity to think about it before talking to you again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14307" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T04:57:04.077" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13836" CreationDate="2018-05-01T08:20:56.813" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the past I have been vague-but-obvious. Something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, is your address still 123 Fake Street? I need to know for &quot;reasons&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With added emphasis on &quot;reasons&quot; (if I'm asking via text I leave the double quotes in). It makes it obvious that I'm planning something, but whether that's sending a card, a gift, or looking into planning a trip over there is still a surprise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9468" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T08:20:56.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13854" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13859" CreationDate="2018-05-01T08:39:23.180" Score="7" ViewCount="18374" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've met someone online, and after a few very pleasant exchanges we decided to go on a casual date, which I also quite enjoyed. Ever since that moment, our online exchanges started dying down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As of now I'm uncertain whether that other person did not enjoy our time together as much as I did and wants to severe ties, or we both did enjoy it, but are afraid the other party didn't like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very bad at reading social cues, so if there was some nonverbal communication, I've completely missed it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been thinking of just asking something along the lines of &quot;Hey I liked that time we spend together, wanna hang out some more?&quot;, but I'm afraid that would be putting too much pressure on the other person in case they don't want to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a gentler/better way to ask for feedback than with this straightforward question?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. Ideally, though perhaps unrealistically, I'd like to pitch the question in a way that would allow me to ask for details if the answer is &quot;no&quot;. &quot;You've been texting someone all the time&quot;, &quot;You've been interrupting me while picking your nose&quot; or &quot;I don't trust people who eat potato chips with chopsticks&quot; would be some invaluable feedback upon which I could improve in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17367" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T10:31:56.977" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T06:25:42.250" Title="Gentle way of asking for feedback after the first casual date?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13855" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13860" CreationDate="2018-05-01T08:45:44.297" Score="5" ViewCount="444" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background info:&lt;/strong&gt; I live in a large shared house (more than 10 people). Honestly I would like to move but given my lease we're stuck together for a few more months. The company that rents the house tries to rent it out to international students or people on working visa. Though I've lived with several international people before (and had a great time) I noticed there seems to be barriers in this situation, probably from the fact that people aren't motivated to speak a common language given there's usually one other person who can speak theirs. I mention this because it seems very taboo for people to complain about anything or make requests (such as, &quot;can you please not turn on the radio in the morning&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Specific Situation:&lt;/strong&gt; I am being affected by the noise in the house. It is affecting my ability to do work and rest. I can hear a lot of it from my bedroom with my door closed. For example the person across the hall from me yells into the mic while playing computer games after midnight. Also a lot of one-off things like people ordering food and the doorbell rings close to midnight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; I know the first step to addressing the problem with someone is to simply make them aware of the issue. I find this hard because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sometimes the noise is so short it doesn't seem worth it, for example the pizza delivery man ringing the door bell&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's hard to find a good opportunity to address it. Many of the roommates I don't see for days at a time. For the guy yelling at his computer, I would rather not interrupt him at 1am while other people are possibly listening on the microphone. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sometimes I don't know where the noise is coming from. For example if I hear music, I may not want to search the house if I'm in bed or trying to focus on work. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It seems to be taboo making requests with this group. Once I asked my roommate to keep his door closed while playing music and I felt he went over board with a huge apology. Also no one else ever makes requests of other people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general I believe it's best to address a concern as soon as possible, directly with the person involved. This isn't always easy in my situation. How can I address annoying noises when it is late at night and/or I am not sure who is causing the noise? Besides talking in person, I am also able to communicate with my roommates via text or writing notes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T13:43:54.660" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T13:43:54.660" Title="Bringing up concerns when it's hard to address them in the moment" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8422" CreationDate="2018-05-01T08:52:37.863" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be positive&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't complain about the TV, talk up the joys of conversation or some other activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Aim small&lt;/strong&gt;: Don't ask for no TV the whole time, just an hour or so here or there. &quot;Hey, I'd be able to concentrate better without the TV on for a bit, would that be ok?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be prepared to lead&lt;/strong&gt;: Suggest the activity and run with it. Maybe you have some photos you want to share. Or a story. Or a game. Even just &quot;Who's up for some good old fashioned family conversation?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4483" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T08:52:37.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13847" CreationDate="2018-05-01T08:57:28.423" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The lesson you must learn from this experience is that you can only control your own actions, not those of other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; have controlled yourself differently during the &quot;heated&quot; and &quot;bitter&quot; conversation you had with her. It would seem that your actions during this are what has led to the current situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; force her to speak to you if she does not want to. You can try to rectify the situation as best you can, but you must accept her final decision on the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The time you both invested in the relationship was really time spent getting to know one another. If that has led to the discovery that you don't deal with disagreements particularly well, then it was not time wasted. I'm not making you out to be the bad guy here, but rejection is a bitter pill to swallow. You are finding it hard to accept the rejection because you think you should be able to get over this disagreement, but evidently she does not think the same! And if you don't think the same on important matters then perhaps you are not compatible (and by &quot;important matters&quot; I mean &lt;em&gt;how you deal with arguments&lt;/em&gt;, not the subject of this particular disagreement, which may be irrelevant).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have said in your question that there were mitigating factors influencing your attitude during that discussion, such as stress. I take that to mean you regret the way you dealt with it. Therefore, what you must communicate to her is an &lt;em&gt;unequivocal apology for your actions, and mean it&lt;/em&gt;. If in fact this is the way you often deal with disagreements then don't fool yourself or her - you either need to tackle your own behaviour first before you look for a relationship, with this girl or someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T08:57:28.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13854" CreationDate="2018-05-01T10:07:27.317" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say that you want feedback, without a straightforward question. You enjoyed the date, but don't know if the other person did. You have to go back to them then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why would I recommend doing something like explained below? Because I used to be like you, and discovered, as time goes by, that you can't always have to know everything, especially from other people. Sometimes, it's better to just let go, and let people tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's why I would go with an &quot;&lt;em&gt;open-ended draw&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, that gives &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; a chance to know about what they think, but also gives &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt; a chance to (not) tell you what they feel / think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't ask everytime, let people just tell you what they want you to know. And live with that :)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a subtle and nice way of doing that? I would just let them know all the positive things I recall from the date, and talk about &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; of their personal issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I mean is along those lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;I really enjoyed the meal/fun/music while talking to you&lt;/em&gt; (all positive stuff).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;I hope you did too&lt;/em&gt; (whether they say something or not, you'll have some feedback)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;I hope everything is good for you now, and that you don't have too much [ insert any personal / professional obligations of theirs that you are aware of ]&lt;/em&gt; (you show concern about them)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;[ Maybe / I hope ] we can do [ insert any activity you both enjoy here ]&lt;/em&gt; (show some hope for a possible outcome in the future)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About point #2 (whether they say something or not, you'll have some feedback):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They say something -&gt; great, you have some positive feedback.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They say nothing -&gt; (not so) great, you have a lack of positive feedback (see below why I don't say &quot;&lt;em&gt;negative feedback&lt;/em&gt;&quot;).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to pitch the question in a way that would allow me to ask for details if the answer is &quot;no&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not do that if I were you... Most people don't like to give negative feedback because they think they might be rude / hurt you when doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can give feedback about practical / technical issues, but human &quot;issues&quot; (interactions) are far less open to &quot;&lt;em&gt;constructive criticism&lt;/em&gt;&quot; in this case, because there's no friendship / relationship yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People won't like telling &quot;still strangers&quot; what they really think, because they don't want to go any further, so there's no need to look for improvement (which is feedback is all about).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You may open the door, but don't force people to come in... Let them decide.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T10:47:41.017" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T10:47:41.017" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13855" CreationDate="2018-05-01T10:14:37.207" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I found out that the best way to deal with these situations is face to face as soon as possible for a few reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People normally are less aggressive face to face because they don't expect it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They can't ignore you (a note, text or email can be easily dismissed).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The tone of voice can be misinterpreted in the written form. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to be reasonable with your demands. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1 - The pizza delivery doorbell noise be can be too petty. Your flatmate can ask the pizza delivery man to call them when they arrive but I'd let this one slip and focus in more annoying noises.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2 - Knock on they doors to see if they are in and address the issue. Explain you situation that you work early and come to some sort of compromise. It's ok if it's a Friday night, during the week please keep the noise to a minimum. You have all right to interrupt the computer guy if he is making a lot of noise at 1 am. If people in the microphone hear you, well it is what it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3 - You may need to investigate this one and talk to people while they are doing the noise. Ask them to use headphones or to turn the volume down. Explain your situation and why you need the volume down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4 - Just because no one makes requests, doesn't mean you can't do them. Talk about what bothers you. Your flatmates may not be aware of the amount of noise they are making and if no one complaints, it means everything is alright.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always be polite, smile and be reasonable. Explain why the noise bothers you and how it affects you. It may seem scary to face people but once you get this skill, you'll see life is way easier. You won't let issues escalate and you'll get things out of the way quicker and that gives you time to focus on important stuff (whatever that can mean to you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume your flatmates are reasonable people. If they are not, you may need to report to your landlord and ask him to do something about it. But that would be my last resort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good Luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17368" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T10:14:37.207" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13854" CreationDate="2018-05-01T10:31:36.827" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might wanna avoid asking &quot;Hey I liked that time we spend together, wanna hang out some more?&quot; since this will imply that you liked the time both of you spent together and you don't care about whether she liked it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of this, do this in steps. First ask whether she enjoyed that date or not. Though, this should have been done at the end of the evening, but you can get back to them and ask. You can phrase the question like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you think about our last date? Did you enjoy it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says yes, then it's all good and you can ask whether she wanna hang out again. However, check for subtle hints like  she hesitates to say yes for second date. If it is, then it means the date didn't go well. If you get no reply or any reply other than yes, then this date wasn't great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is the latter case, you can ask for feedback now. You can ask if there is something wrong you did or it is something else. She might not tell what exactly was wrong or perhaps she might lie just because she wouldn't wanna sound rude. At this point, she may or may not choose to respond, so you must respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T11:12:47.140" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T11:12:47.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13854" CreationDate="2018-05-01T10:56:57.380" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You describe the meeting up as a casual thing, and it went well.&#xA;It sounds like though you got on well it was not enough to light a fire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you could be friends, and hang out, but not on a dating&#xA;basis. On this basis, inviting the other party to a social setting where&#xA;they could meet other people, not as going out, but just hanging out&#xA;might work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just a way of learning more about each other, and nothing more.&#xA;This plays it safe and has no commitments or implications by either&#xA;party, and is a good way of socially introducing people to your group.&#xA;Put simply, many relationships grow over time, and there is a lot to &#xA;get through to know if it is going to work, and you need a safe setting&#xA;for this to happen or not.  Hope this helps&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T10:56:57.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13854" CreationDate="2018-05-01T11:05:43.610" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't assume that because you are here on IPS worrying about how to ask if the date went that she is elsewhere worrying about how to tell you she doesn't want another date. Neither of you have talked about it since and your communications are &quot;dying down&quot;. The way you have described it all sounds pretty even from both sides, so there's a good chance she could be in the same position you are right now - wondering how the date went.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I wouldn't worry about being bad at reading social cues. You both met online, you've communicated through messages okay, you enjoyed the date so communication must have continued in the same way on that occasion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should ask her straight out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How did you feel our date went?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you want to go on another date?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is best for two reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're currently in a position where you feel the date went well, yet still you're left wondering about it. You need some certainty, and so does she. If you use uncertain terms like &quot;hanging out&quot; instead of &quot;date&quot; then you could be left still wondering.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you don't call it a &quot;date&quot; then if she &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; feel right about a relationship then you have nowhere to back down to. Be direct and then at least you can say &quot;&lt;em&gt;okay, that's fine, we can still be friends&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and maybe without that pressure she might even want to still hang out as friends.  Whereas if she &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; want another &quot;date&quot;, asking her to casually &quot;hang out&quot; is going to make her wonder if you &lt;em&gt;mean&lt;/em&gt; a date.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T11:05:43.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13834" CreationDate="2018-05-01T12:57:07.077" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a simple problem.&#xA;You do not have an actual figure in mind, just approximate.&#xA;You have not agreed between you what the actual figure is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to establish the figure and a way to resolve it.&#xA;Once you have a written down figure and have broken it down,&#xA;you know where to start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then ask your ex how she views the situation, and&#xA;suggest a way to resolve it.  Putting it simply, you need to put&#xA;forward what your need is, and also what you are happy to settle &#xA;with.  In most permanent relationships things split 50/50 so some&#xA;movement is reasonable, but probably not everything.  And keep in&#xA;mind your ex's new partner will express an opinion, so this could&#xA;be why the payments stopped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I borrowed some money from my brother and agreed a certain amount&#xA;to pay back with interest, which I fulfilled.  I made sure everything&#xA;was clear cut.  It made everything simple and straightforward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="16994" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T15:47:46.330" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T15:47:46.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13869" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-01T13:29:12.223" Score="3" ViewCount="798" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a small office, there's 6 of us in total, so it's not possible to turn off &quot;some&quot; of the lights without turning them all off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the UK, we're now in the Spring season, which generally means brighter days. Because of this, one of my colleagues recently asked if the lights could be turned off. I don't like confrontation and I didn't really say anything. Luckily, for me, their request was met with disgruntled groans so they were left on - since it wasn't quite that sunny yet. However, I am noticing that it is now getting much lighter outside more frequently, so I can see this question getting brought up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I would like to keep the lights on is because I suffer with headaches when in a poorly lit room for a period of time (more than 30 minutes is normally enough). Even though the sunshine would be coming in through the windows, this would only be from on direction and from the side. I find that having a light source (that produces a white glow, not a yellow glow), prevents me from getting a headache.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find my co-workers to me reasonable people, though I find it hard to confront someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could I politely ask that the lights stay on, when a co-worker asks to turn them off?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16638" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:36:54.457" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T19:36:54.457" Title="Politely requesting the office lights remain on?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13870" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-01T14:04:23.617" Score="3" ViewCount="1101" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wore a qipao to a holiday party earlier this year. I am an American with Vietnamese parents (They were born in Vietnam, escaped to America during the Vietnam War, and I was born in America) I do not know of the history/traditions/meaning/etc. behind the dress- I wore it because I thought it was beautiful and I wanted to feel beautiful during the formal occasion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My new concern of having worn a qipao comes from a recent event of a fellow American girl wearing a one to her prom:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/i/moments/990988293939613698?t=1&amp;amp;cn=ZmxleGlibGVfcmVjc18y&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://twitter.com/i/moments/990988293939613698?t=1&amp;amp;cn=ZmxleGlibGVfcmVjc18y&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;People are accusing an 18-year-old high school senior of cultural appropriation and racism because she wore a traditional Chinese dress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Was it inappropriate or rude for me to wear a qipao as a formal dress?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edits made: Revising to be a question about the etiquette of myself wearing a qipao as a formal dress instead of the general idea of a non-Chinese person wearing a qipao, removing the cultural-appropriation tag&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastEditorUserId="17375" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T14:39:47.957" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T12:39:26.363" Title="Was it inappropriate for me to wear a qipao as a formal dress?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;clothing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-05-02T14:12:24.083" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13869" CreationDate="2018-05-01T16:00:40.300" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The simplest would be to explain to you colleagues that bad lighting gives you headaches, exactly as you you did in your question. The way you wrote it is quite convincing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, your problem seems to be that you're a bit shy and afraid to talk about it... but really there's nothing wrong with wanting proper lighting in your workplace. It is not starting a conflict at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;one of my colleagues recently asked if the lights could be turned off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask if they want to save energy or if the lights actually bother them, maybe it causes reflections on their computer screen, or something like that. You want to avoid a situation where keeping the lights on saves you from a headache, but gives one to a colleague because of the glare on their screen. So... just talk. Maybe the solution that would please everyone involves turning the desks around or something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if it's to save energy, I'll assume something like 50W of fluorescent lighting per employee, so 300W total in the office. With the lights on 8 hours per day that's 2.4 kWh of electrical energy. In the UK electricity costs about 13p/kWh, therefore turning off the lights is worth about 31p per day. Feel free to adjust according to your light fixtures, but it certainly isn't enough money to justify having an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T16:00:40.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13874" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13943" CreationDate="2018-05-01T16:04:56.843" Score="4" ViewCount="1146" Body="&lt;p&gt;[m/17] My parents recently got me a personal tutor for my exams who is maybe in his late 20s. I had the first class recently, which was three hours long. Within the first 30 minutes or so he asked me if I had a girlfriend, to which I said yes. He proceeded to tell me that it wasn't worth it and to &quot;bang her and then leave&quot;. Throughout the duration of the class topics that came up were smoking, drinking, weed, among other, more normal things. (I don't smoke/drink/do drugs, but I have several friends who do and I'm no stranger to those type of people). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He actually does his job pretty well, which is teaching me concepts in a way that I can understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But throughout the class I was somehow unable to concentrate because of this feeling in my chest. I was thinking more about the things he was saying than what I was studying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once he left, I realised my chest and back were terribly aching. Turns out, I had been clenching my chest and back muscles for those three hours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to describe what I was feeling, but it wasn't fear or anything. In fact, he looks like a really nice guy too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to make myself more comfortable around people like this, and is this a cause for concern?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;**What I ended up doing : **&#xA;I ended up telling my parents that I did not want him as my tutor because of his teaching style. This turned out to be slightly problematic seeing as during a previously held demo class I had expressed to them that I enjoyed his style of teaching. Eventually they ended up getting convinced and they &quot;fired&quot; him. Thanks to everyone that helped me figure this situation out. Looking back, the solution seems blatantly obvious :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8167" LastEditorUserId="8167" LastEditDate="2018-05-06T05:49:45.513" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T05:49:45.513" Title="How to deal with intimidating people?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;&lt;students&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13875" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13874" CreationDate="2018-05-01T16:15:51.540" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Inappropriate comments from someone in authority over children, such as a teacher, are &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; a cause for concern. Since your parents hired this person you should talk to them about this behavior. I don't think they will consider it acceptable, and they will want to find you another tutor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3550" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T16:15:51.540" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13773" CreationDate="2018-05-01T17:10:35.080" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As others have said, variations of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hang on&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wait one&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;followed by&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry. You were saying? Something about X?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is something that most people would find perfectly polite. That said, my girlfriend and I have taken to doing this -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/wb18o.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/wb18o.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Hand signal to freeze&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;when we're hiking or around the house. The motion of raising your hand and you stopping in place grabs their attention, and it's an unambiguous signal that you hear/see/smell something that you need to focus on. As before, follow up with an explanation or apology, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is that the smoke detector beeping? Do we need to replace the batteries again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I thought I heard something. Please, continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that said, if your partner expects you to spend every waking moment paying complete attention to them to the exclusion of everything else, you might want to find a better partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4739" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T17:10:35.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-05-01T17:25:37.140" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The word you're looking for is &quot;No&quot;. It's the flip side of &quot;Yes&quot;. Use it when necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll tell you a story that's kind of related to your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my wife and I got married (24 years and three kids ago, thanks :-) we wanted a small-ish wedding. On my side that wasn't hard - I'm an only kid, my parents were divorced, I had one aunt/uncle I hadn't seen in 15 years, and three cousins, likewise. Invited both my parents (they came, together, oddly enough), aunt/uncle declined politely (we'd chosen to get married on their wedding anniversary - who knew? - and they were going to be out of town), cousins likewise. My family - done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On my wife's side - tougher. She has four siblings, but as an adult only really had/has contact with two of them. She and her parents had been mostly estranged for years after she moved out at age 19. She invited her two still-talk-to-them brothers to the wedding, who came with their families, despite having my future in-laws pressuring them not to come. Sister and other brother - not invited. Parents - invited. Parents refused to come if other (favorite) son wasn't invited. Impasse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought, &quot;Maybe if we meet with the parents they'll get on board&quot;. Went to their place. The flaming row started after...oh...30 seconds. I felt pretty good that I managed to keep it from devolving into a screaming match. Finally, mother-in-law-to-be spouted off with, &quot;Well! &lt;em&gt;We&lt;/em&gt; can't be seen with &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;! Not now. Not yet!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WELL. OH. KAY!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I looked at my fiance', who was on the verge of tears by this point, turned back to my in-laws-to-be and said in a firm but level tone, &quot;We regret your decision, but we understand&quot;. Then to my fiance', &quot;Come on - let's go&quot;. In-laws-to-be jaws bounced off the linoleum. Wait! What? They had their kids trained to cave whenever they &quot;put their foot down&quot;, and they thought I'd do the same. Clearly a case of improper foot-training! :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her parents didn't come to the wedding. Her uncle gave her away, which was what was going to happen anyways. It all just kind of worked out. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's your party, and you invite who you want to. For the rest - &quot;No&quot;. It's a very useful word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use it with parents, siblings, children, dogs - but not cats. Cats do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; understand it. Well, hey, you can't win 'em all, I guess. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3044" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T17:25:37.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13869" CreationDate="2018-05-01T17:40:42.330" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Luckily, for me, their request was met with disgruntled groans so they were left on&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems to me that this person is massively out-voted and you have nothing to worry about. If it comes up again, just tell them that you get nasty headaches if you're in a dimly lit area. Most people won't want to cause you physical pain to make the area a little more homey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, it's also possible that your colleague wants the lights off because they cause them terrible headaches (Fluorescent lights have that effect on me,) which brings me to another point&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't like confrontation and I didn't really say anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't think of this as a confrontation - It's not. It's six people trying to solve a problem, in this case &quot;What are the optimal lighting conditions for us to work comfortably?&quot; Maybe you can get a desk lamp. Maybe the person with headaches can get a window seat so the natural light offsets the fluorescents (this worked for me.) Maybe it's just someone trying to save the company a couple pounds on their electric bill. Whatever the case may be, they can't find a solution unless you offer up your perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4739" LastEditorUserId="4739" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T17:59:39.143" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T17:59:39.143" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13881" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13942" CreationDate="2018-05-01T17:59:44.420" Score="20" ViewCount="2601" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been dating my girlfriend for about three months. We are both in our mid 20s, grew up in the mid-western United States, and now live in New York City. She has defined boundaries for physical intimacy (i.e. waiting until marriage to have sex) in our relationship based on her religious beliefs (I was raised in the same religion, but don't follow it as closely as she does). When we start to get too close to her boundaries, she will often start to pull away from me to prevent us going beyond her boundaries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, I would &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; violate her boundaries, and she knows this. We have an established pattern in our relationship of her initiating all things physical (for example she initiated our first kiss because I was hesitant to do so). We have discussed this pattern and she has told me that she doesn't think I would intentionally cross the line. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She gets embarrassed and becomes very awkward around me when she pulls away. It doesn't bother me that she pulls away, but I would like to be able to understand her so that we can proceed with our relationship in a way that she can be comfortable with. The problem is that when I try to start a conversation she becomes closed off. Typically she will turn away from me and say something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, it's too embarrassing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I open lines of communication in a way that she will feel comfortable talking to me about such a sensitive topic?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Note: I should point out that I am on the autism spectrum (my girlfriend knows this of course). This is important information to consider when suggesting solutions.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-14T15:50:53.697" LastActivityDate="2019-05-14T15:50:53.697" Title="How can I encourage discussion of sensitive topics with my girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13881" CreationDate="2018-05-01T18:23:13.710" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;For sensitive topics, the process of opening up is generally pretty involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, give her time to have you gain her trust and be comfortable with you.  Obviously you aren't there yet with respect to this topic, but you will get there with time.  The main point is not to push the issue - that will make it take longer to open up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be the first one to open up to her.  Share things that you will find hard to talk about.  Be vulnerable to her - that will build that shared sense of trust that is needed for difficult topics.  Relationships are built on both trust and two-way communication; here is you start that ball rolling by slowly, gently, opening the door to both of these.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, be careful about what you tease her about.  Every relationship I've ever seen involves a level of joking and teasing; the trick here is to not take advantage of her trust and tease her about something she currently finds embarrassing.  For instance, if she tells you that she's afraid of frogs, do not give her grief about frogs.   That only shows that you will take her discomfort and use it to your benefit and her embarrassment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be supportive of the things she finds uncomfortable.  Let her see that she is &quot;safe&quot; talking about lesser things with you.  As she gains comfort and trust in you, she will open up more.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Importantly, when she pulls away: don't choose that time to try to talk it out.  She's already nervous.  Let her pull away; be supportive and understanding.  Even if you don't agree with her beliefs, those are an integral part of her and deserve respect.  I would even encourage you to begin that conversation by having her open up about her beliefs.  Again, don't abuse that or argue with her - take advantage to learn about this and about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-05-01T18:43:36.460" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T18:43:36.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13886" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13869" CreationDate="2018-05-01T23:53:56.587" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your colleague asks to turn the lights off, that can have two reasons: Trivial reasons, like wanting to save 10 pennies worth of electricity a day. Or real reasons, like light shining on his computer monitor, making it hard to see. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know which one it is. So all you need to do first is to ask for the light to be kept turned on, giving your good reason for it. If your colleagues reason was trivial, then they will say something &quot;Oh, I didn't know that, we better keep the lights on if you get headaches when it is off&quot;. There's no reason to be afraid of speaking up. If you didn't speak up, and the lights were turned off, and you suffered, your colleague would likely be devastated if he found out that you suffered because he switched the light off. So you see, it's more polite to speak up, than having to suffer and make your colleague feel guilty about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's a good argument for turning the light off (unlikely), then the matter can be discussed once you speak up, and a decision can be made that satisfies all as much as possible. But I can't really see a situation where the lights are fine on a dark day, and unacceptable on a sunny day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-01T23:53:56.587" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 3.0" />
  <row Id="13887" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-02T02:14:05.720" Score="2" ViewCount="412" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. She tends to be more left leaning in her beliefs and I tend to be more centered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every now and then she'll ask me something related to something she agrees with politically (often to do with feminism/race etc), and I would end up disagreeing with her. The problem arises however, when I explain why I disagree, and she, instead of understanding we have different beliefs, gets angry that I don't agree with her, going so far as to completely ignore me for a whole day (we don't live together). On the flip side, I do everything in my power to have a civil discussion and to further the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, here is a conversation we had recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her&lt;/strong&gt; : Did you hear that Kanye West thinks that Black Lives Matter is an excuse to whine?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt; : Yeah, I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her&lt;/strong&gt; : Outrageous, am I right??&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt; : Well, I don't think it's an excuse to whine necessarily, but I don't exactly agree with all of BLM's actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her&lt;/strong&gt; : What, so you're a racist now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt; : I didn't say that. I completely agree to the general sentiment that Black Lives, do in fact matter. What I don't agree with is how BLM has gone about trying to prove this point to the public, with some members assaulting police officers who had done nothing wrong and things of the like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Her&lt;/strong&gt; : You know what, forget it, sorry I ever brought it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;She ignores me for a day before she talks to me again, still angry at me, but wants to talk to someone&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I get her to accept that I may have different beliefs sometimes and that it is okay to disagree?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8167" LastEditorUserId="8167" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T03:38:37.753" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T03:38:37.753" Title="How to convince my girlfriend to be open about the discussion of political topics" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-05-02T07:27:49.123" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13887" CreationDate="2018-05-02T03:07:21.130" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't get her to agree to disagree until you actually listen and understand why it upsets her enough that she needs to be away from you for a day after having these conversations. There may be something about your beliefs that makes her feel like you don't respect her as a person or that she can't accept about someone else because she feels like it makes them somehow less moral.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, let's turn the tables. If your parents were illegal immigrants (but she was unaware) and she staunchly believed that illegal immigrants were ruining the country - I think you'd agree with me that you'd have a difficult time having differing beliefs on this issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These strongly-held beliefs (if we are unwilling to change them) can't always be met with compromise... or, I should say, the compromise may have to be that you stop seeing each other entirely. This depends on the person and what they're willing to accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some couples live happy lives together while having different religions (or non-beliefs) - some people could never marry someone who doesn't share theirs. It depends on how deeply the belief is held and how much you're willing to talk... or not talk - I'm sure that some couples have vastly differing political opinions and either have huge knock-down, drag-out fights or they ban all political discussion entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if she can not accept your views for some reason, there's not necessarily any convincing you can do. Some people simply can not be in a long-term relationship without sharing their beliefs and there's no way to know which beliefs will cause an impasse and which will be &quot;no big deal&quot;. Each person is different. As part of learning to be in a relationship, you have to ferret out these and decide which end of the spectrum they're on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, this reminds me of how OK Cupid finds out how well a pair of people are matched (based on my memory). They ask you hundreds of questions and they have you answer each in three parts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is your answer (single selection, multiple choice)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Answer(s) you accept (multiple selection, multiple choice)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How important is it to you? (rank from: a little - somewhat - very)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some questions, two people may have differing opinions about the answers to a question and what they want their potential partner to answer but if they rank it as not important, then OKCupid doesn't really look at it as hard... but if it's &quot;very&quot; important, those two will be less likely to be a match because it will be unlikely that they will be able to reconcile that issue if it comes up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, keep this in mind and communicate with your girlfriend. Learn from her why she is so upset by your feelings on these subjects and listen to why she feels the way she feels about it - without interjecting your own thoughts/feelings. If you can do this, you may find a solution or you may find that there is none.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Full disclosure, my husband and I have been together for nearly 11 years and we met on OK Cupid, so I'm a fan of their system but I can't say that it's necessarily scientifically proven to work or anything like that.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="36" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T03:07:21.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13889" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13891" CreationDate="2018-05-02T03:14:22.247" Score="47" ViewCount="32941" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a crush on my college friend and want to take her out to cinemas or other places. When I ask her out, she always asks me if her female friend could go along with her. I know it's not a date just hang out together. But, I really only want the two of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I politely tell her about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are in our mid 20's. We've been friends for more than 4 years; we just hang out and chit chat.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I need to get along with her friend, as we go to the same college.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't really know how normal this behavior is. Some girls probably play it safe, just like some of the nice answers here.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm not refusing her when she brings her friend. We still go out. But you know, sometimes I just want to be together with her when we go out - just the two of us&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17393" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T16:34:02.080" Title="How to politely tell a friend that I want to hang out with her, but not invite others?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;college&gt;&lt;malaysia&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13870" CreationDate="2018-05-02T06:47:43.923" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, unless the dress was cut in a not-okay-for-family-gathering way. (e.g. shows too much leg/ cleavage/ contours/ whatever)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit of intrapersonal advice on the side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are no rules and there is no &quot;ownership&quot; of a culture. A culture is just that, a culture. All sorts of people around the whole world wear Parisian fashion, nobody bats an eye. Somebody wears something from a culture that can be seen as a minority in a western culture and suddenly it becomes a minefield. Make your own conclusions on that but if I want to wear a Chinese dress, I will wear it. If somebody else wants to get all bothered about that, that is their issue. As long as you are not wearing something highly offensive or inappropriate (e.g. 'Disregard the police' shirt at a ball for police and stuff like that) for the event you are at, everything is game as far as I am concerned. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastEditorUserId="6191" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T08:59:47.770" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T08:59:47.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13889" CreationDate="2018-05-02T06:48:25.657" Score="151" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I politely tell her I only want to hang out with her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty sure you have missed some important information from her, here. It's untold, but shown.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a friend of hers coming with you sends a rather clear message: &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm not against hanging out with you, but at this time, I'm not sure, so I'll play it safe.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why safe?&lt;/strong&gt; Because she won't be alone with you! Step in her shoes for a couple of minutes... &lt;em&gt;&quot;Am I sure that this guy will behave? What do I do if all this turns weird? What about asking my friend, later, what they think of him?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; And so on... She's setting boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's telling you that she's not against doing things with you, but not ready to do things &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; with you. Some can be done now, in a certain way (hers), some need to wait until she feels ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her on a date (because that's what &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; expect)? Pretty sure she'll find a way to say &quot;&lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the moment, her friend is her barrier: it inhibits any unexpected/unwanted movement from you. She'll feel more confident with her around, and can't get rid of her right now. It gives her a way out. How would you feel if it were &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; facing this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's why I would not ask her on a date right now. I'd show first that I'm trustworthy. And, second, that I'm a good person, respecting her choices. Be yourself, be nice: she's testing your abilities, it's a kind of &quot;&lt;em&gt;probationary period&lt;/em&gt;&quot; :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-05T01:51:15.217" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T01:51:15.217" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13892" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13894" CreationDate="2018-05-02T08:53:41.590" Score="44" ViewCount="8400" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to invite my in-laws, who live in another country, to visit me and my wife. However, we do not have enough space in our apartment for so many people, so I would like to accommodate them in a nearby hotel instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, given their financial situation my in-laws lack the money to pay a hotel room for themselves, so I would like to propose to pay their room for the time of their visit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is they categorically refuse financial aid (or even presents that are above a certain price), because receiving money makes them feel uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would really like them to visit us and honestly the price for a hotel room is not expensive. How do I go about proposing to pay for their accommodation, without making them feel uncomfortable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: their refusal to accept money is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; due to cultural reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT2: My wife shares the same fear that &quot;simply proposing&quot; to pay for their accommodation might not work out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17398" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T11:53:16.930" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T14:59:15.153" Title="How can I accommodate my in-laws in a hotel without making them feel uncomfortable about me paying for the room?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;in-laws&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13894" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13892" CreationDate="2018-05-02T09:38:03.917" Score="94" Body="&lt;p&gt;They are happy to come and visit you and stay in your home, so evidently they are okay with accepting your hospitality. An approach that may well work is if you present the arrangement &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; as a gift, but &lt;em&gt;as an extension of your hospitality&lt;/em&gt;. After all, if you had a bigger home they would be able to stay with you - but a bigger home would cost you more money, not only during their stay but all the time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right from the start, describe the arrangement in practical terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DON'T say:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Our apartment is too small so we are going to pay for you to stay in a&#xA;  hotel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kind of statement raises the cost of the hotel as if it an issue, and also calling your apartment &quot;small&quot; also may suggest that you struggle financially yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Instead, try reasoning this way:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have arranged a hotel room for you during your stay - it is the most&#xA;  practical solution as our apartment is just the right size for us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if they raise the matter of cost, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want you to worry about the cost. If we had larger home then&#xA;  we would have you stay with us, but we save a lot of money ourselves&#xA;  by keeping our apartment just the right size. Please allow us to show&#xA;  our hospitality to you this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T09:38:03.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13892" CreationDate="2018-05-02T09:39:49.810" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you could do is to not mention the price of the hotel, or the payment altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As you may know, our apartment does not provide enough space for all of us, so we will organize a place in our vicinity for you to sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you reassure them that &lt;strong&gt;you will take care that they will have a place to sleep&lt;/strong&gt;. Whether you decide to make space in your apartment, or ask your neighbors for their guest rooms, or you just book a hotel room is now up to you, therefore the financial consequences will fall to you (unless you specifically say that they should pay, which is not what you want here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the in-laws should still ask you about the payment of the hotel room, then play it down, make clear that you are happy to have them, and that you knew that such situations would arise when you moved into that apartment and were perfectly happy with this solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choosing a rather cheap than extravagant hotel will further help preventing/reducing the uncomfortableness of your in-laws.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T10:00:47.230" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T10:00:47.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13802" CreationDate="2018-05-02T09:39:59.850" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an ex Usher (1 Year Ago or so) in a cinema in the United Kingdom, I would highly recommend briefly leaving the screen in order to tell an Usher. This will not be the first time they have had to deal with this kind of situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the usher is unwilling to do anything, try to talk to a manager. We always had 2 managers on at one time and they are incredibly passionate about films and loathe people talking in screens. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our Cinema, one of our key roles was to regularly check in each screen and we were responsible to check multiple things like volume, temperature, people recording the film and also disruptive people. You may even notice them if you are looking for them however generally we tried to be as quiet as possible when entering. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The manager of the Cinema has every ability to ask someone to leave and / or threaten to call the Police if they are being disruptive so I would highly reccomend speaking to someone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this wont apply to all cinemas and also has the negative impact of you leaving the screen for a couple of minutes however I personally would rather that then have the whole screening ruined for you and anyone else in there because some people cannot be quiet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once when I managed a screen, someone came and complained about a group of teenage boys talking in the back of the screen. My manager instructed me to litterally sit in the closest seat to them that was empty and just stay there for the whole film. There was a seat right next to them and they were quiet for the rest of the film.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also a side note about mobile phones : Most cinemas wont allow phones usage within a screen whilst it is showing for anti Piracy reasons as well as the light being very irritating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17401" LastEditorUserId="17401" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T09:45:14.773" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T09:45:14.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="807" CreationDate="2018-05-02T10:30:57.757" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not certainly an US-only thing, but to the best of my understanding applies anywhere where white is the designated colour of the bride. Such is the situation for example in Finland, where I'm from. The only exception would be if it was specifically cleared beforehand or intentionally chosen for Maids of Honour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17403" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T10:30:57.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12115" CreationDate="2018-05-02T10:36:08.217" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;According to Google, colorblind means this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;unable to distinguish certain colors, or (rarely in humans) any colors at all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with this scenario is that 'colorblind' is a huge misnomer (in one sense of the term). Most colorblind individuals can actually see a great deal of color (many can see most of it, in fact). However, they may not see enough of certain colors to be able to pinpoint exactly what a particular one is. Like, they might not see a certain kind of sea green very well, but forest green is plain as day—stuff like that. I can see pretty much every single color in cartoons very easily, but many car colors and clothing colors are quite difficult by comparison. The size of the colored object matters. The distance also matters. The light levels also matter. How dark or light the color is matters. I can see some colors easily in some situations, but I may not see them at all in others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; need to acknowledge that your client really can see colors—unless he's one of the extremely rare people who really can't see any. If you just say he's colorblind, he'll feel like you're picking on him, labeling him, misunderstanding him, etc., even if (and perhaps especially if) you prove it to him with a colorblind test without validating him first—that can actually be traumatic, and I've seen people be in denial about what their test results mean (a relative and a roommate of mine).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to recognize that your client's perceptions still have value in the real world even if he's colorblind. You can't just write him off as colorblind and say his color-vision doesn't matter anymore, and not &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; because of the misnomer: Colorblind people are actually capable of seeing some colors that cannot be perceived easily, if at all, by color-normal people. For instance, if an object is a mixture of red and blue, but doesn't have very much blue in it, someone with red-green colorblindness may notice the blue in it easily, while a color-normal person will probably think there's no way there's any blue in it (unless they're used to adjusting RGB values on websites or something and aren't into inductive logic). So, when they say something looks like a different color, that doesn't mean they're wrong, per se (at least if they're not just guessing what color it is, but they actually see it that way). What they see exists—they're just not seeing everything. It's kind of how white contains a lot of red, blue, green/yellow, but you can't really see any of those colors in it, unless you take some color out of the picture. If yellow is the only color you can see, white will look yellow (because there is yellow in white).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, the definition of colorblind is also flawed, because there are colors that most humans can't see (but somehow, that doesn't make most humans colorblind, while if you can't see a few rare kinds of red and green, somehow you are colorblind). For instance, most humans can't see UV or infrared, but some people can, and birds can, too. Does that make everyone else colorblind? It's a double standard to say that because you can see these colors, but not those, you're colorblind, when color-normal people can also see colors from some wavelengths, but not others. I don't know anyone who can see colors made via microwaves, but I'm sure they exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, I think you need to make the person feel like you're being fair. You need to acknowledge their capabilities (that they haven't been completely delusional their whole life), and let them know what colorblind really means. (It doesn't mean you can't see any colors—nor does it mean that the person should be treated as if they're inferior. It might also be worth noting that some colorblind people are not affected by camouflage.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe you should also recognize that just because your friend with red-green colorblindness can't see a certain thing, that doesn't mean that your client can't. There's usually a lot of variance between two people with colorblindness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, be careful, because your client might not be colorblind at all. It's possible he was just starting at some bright color that temporarily blinded him to the color at hand. I know if I stare at a certain kind of bright pink (which I can see) for a short while, and then look at other things, the colors look different for a time. There may be other scenarios like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, realize that colorblind people are sometimes actually already aware that they have trouble with certain colors, but they don't realize that this makes them colorblind. They may think everyone has such troubles, or that it's not significant enough to make them colorblind. However, they can gain a lot more insight into what color is what if they know they're colorblind and admit it (this is my experience, anyway).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, so for my answer, I'm going to have to say, be sensitive to the situation with the things above in mind. It's not easy to convince someone they're colorblind—but if you're going to do it, at least make sure that everyone concerned knows what 'colorblind' means first, and that it's a misnomer (they usually don't). Don't gloat. Don't remind the person that they're colorblind at the slightest provocation thereafter. Don't talk about how you can see more colors than they can (and do realize that if you haven't been tested, you might be colorblind, too, even if you can see those colors that your client can't). Please do not unnecessarily reveal the person's condition to every Tom, Dick and Harry in their presence, even if they're not in denial about it (but especially if they are).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know a lot of these things I've said not to do are tempting, and I've done some of them myself (which I shouldn't have); but, I'm not trying to condemn anyone for having done such things. People make mistakes, but we can all move on, learn, and become better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Treat the client respectfully. Treat the client as an equal. Things might not go so smoothly, but it's not the end of the world. As long as you're respectful, I don't think they'll hate you. They may be in denial about it, or not like/believe what they hear, but if you don't otherwise offend them, they may be more likely to one day be glad you told them—and it probably won't hurt your relationship. However, if you rub it in their face that they're colorblind and act like they can't see any colors, then they're probably not going to want to deal with you so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have a legitimate need to convince someone that they're colorblind, from an interpersonal relations perspective, I agree with others that it's probably best to leave that to the professionals (or the individual themselves).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user271" LastEditorDisplayName="user271" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T11:21:25.080" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T11:21:25.080" CommentCount="0" CommunityOwnedDate="2018-05-02T11:14:24.287" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13899" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13924" CreationDate="2018-05-02T10:49:40.283" Score="15" ViewCount="7465" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; I want to give my brother some money with a few conditions on how it is spent but believe he is unlikely to realise that I seriously plan to enforce those conditions. How can I convey my seriousness to him?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have an older brother whom I do/have gotten along well with for all of my life but is not so great with money/self control. Nothing so bad as having a gambling addiction, series of maxed out credit cards or anything of that sort, but as a particularly careful saver the difference made from his buying nice clothes, a modest car, a nice tv/speaker system, semi-regularly eating out and maintaining an enthusiastic social life is very clear. Obviously I have no problem with him or anyone buying these things, it is a personal decision of my own not to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was 16 and he was 18 we both still lived with our parents and despite earning more than me, he would often ask to borrow small amounts of money. $20 here, $50 there and it accumulated to ~$500 before I started refusing to lend any more as it was a lot of money for me at the time. After two years of occasional nagging it was clear that I would never get that money back so I offered to forgive the loan if his old laptop I had been using for the past couple months (he paid $250 for it new) could be &quot;mine&quot; and that was the end of it. That is not to say I have never owed him. While studying at uni, I knew that whenever desperate I could sleep on the couch at his place and eat his food, use the shower, internet, get dropped off at a train station and he would not expect anything in return. And there were a fair number of times where I did exactly that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nowadays we each semi-regularly give/borrow/loan small amounts of money from each other but just recently he has mentioned in a more significant sense how he is running out of money and might have to borrow some from me. He recently lost his primary source of income and although there is no worry about his residency or physical health and wellbeing, the extra money for things like car maintenance, job searching, bills, general quality of life costs and the ability to buy things that will help in the long term would clearly be a massive help to him. Since I am aware of a number of these sorts of things coming up soon that are in his own best interest to buy, I am more than happy to give him up to $1000 which if he can return then great but I half expect, and am fully prepared, to never see that money again. However, he has bad spending habits and receiving enough money does not mean that he will buy these things that he needs. Based off my knowledge of his self control and past dealings with money I have no doubt that if I just gave him all the money he would carry on buying excessive items and then suddenly realise that he only bought half of the things he actually needed. I am happy to pay for his fuel, but not a $60 haircut and round of drinks for his friends. So when I do give him the money, I want to establish some strong conditions about what I am giving it to him for. When it is his own money, I am happy for him to spend it how he likes but since this is my own money, I feel it is similarly fair to spend it how &lt;em&gt;I want&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some thought the essential steps would be to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Seperate the amount I give him into sections to limit the carelessness at which it can be spent.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell him what the money is for, and establish a boundary that if it is spent on other things I will not give any more money.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Follow through &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Limit yes, but I am &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; prepared to only give minuscule amounts at a time or demand receipts/be asked and present for every purchase, that is far more of a strain on his time, my time and our relationship than I think its worth. Although I won't (and don't want to) know his specific purchases, if he were to for example spend the money going to a concert instead of fixing his car, both of these sorts of things I will know about anyway and can confidently use to enforce said rule. I do not want to be involved to the extent where I am basically be his financial arbiter and he would not want that either. The general understanding I already have of what he buys is more than enough since when it gets to the point where he has to ask, he would be well and truly &lt;strong&gt;out&lt;/strong&gt; of money and I can be confident that 95% of what he buys would come from my money. 1 &amp;amp; 3 are self explanatory and do not think I will not have trouble with following through and enforcing my boundary. &lt;strong&gt;My question is about &lt;em&gt;skills&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;techniques&lt;/em&gt; that can be used to express that I am absolutely serious when I initially talk to him in step 2.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some context. There are a number of other issues that were expressed in a similar way, but we &lt;strong&gt;BOTH&lt;/strong&gt; clearly acknowledge as not being serious. There are plenty of examples of this going both ways, from situations like &quot;If there is so much as a scratch on my car I won't let you drive it to {$Best Friend}'s wedding.&quot; To things as trivial as &quot;You aren't invited to dinner if you eat that last muffin.&quot; These cases are all empty threats and we both know it. Since using the car was known as the only feasible option left to travel to the wedding, and we both recognised it as something significant giving this over the top, false ultimatum was a way to express how much I didn't want it to be scratched and nothing more. If it &lt;em&gt;had&lt;/em&gt; been scratched although I may have gotten mad, I am confident my brother would not have even have to ask to know that it was still fine to use the car when he needed. The muffin comment was a competitive joke, I immediately ate it in the face of his protests and yet there was no question about the validity of my invite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my worry is that even if I say &quot;I will not give you any more money if you spend it on X&quot; he may presume that I am just expressing that I don't &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; him to spend it on X rather than establishing a solid boundary of something that will actually happen. If I am able to properly convey to him how serious I am about the condition it will be vastly better for the both of us by helping with his spending, my peace of mind knowing what the money is going to and in the case where I actually do have to enforce the boundary at least he will be expecting it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking for money is awkward and I assume he will try to finish the conversation as fast as humanly possible so a lengthy conversation about my thoughts may not work in this case...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What conversational skills and techniques can I use to quickly and effectively convey to my brother that I am setting a firm boundary rather than just expressing my hopes?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T23:40:36.523" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T13:54:38.060" Title="How to convey seriousness in conditions when giving money to brother" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-02T11:36:09.070" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may come across as initially harsh, but instead of gifting him an arbitrary amount like $1000, have a one-to-one (but fairly casual) discussion about what he is planning to use the money on and exactly how much he needs. Then give him that amount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From reading the longer portion of your post, it seems like your brother has not learned to curb his spending habits when times are tough. Openly expressing that you have doubts about what he will spend the money on looks like it will likely cause a falling out. Instead, discussing what he needs it for will help you emphasise your desire that it goes towards something helpful rather than a '&lt;em&gt;luxury&lt;/em&gt;'. If he says it's for a haircut, discuss what alternatives there are to his usual top-of-the-range $60 dos. It's your money you are giving up, so it would not be unreasonable to do a bit of digging and find a place that would get it done for $20 instead, just as an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also allows you the chance to emphasise that you cannot/will not lend any more until a later time. Have that boundary be established except in really dire emergencies. If you lend him $60 for a haircut and groceries but it all goes to his haircut, that was his own doing and cannot be faulted to you. This will help him realise the seriousness behind your intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T11:36:09.070" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-02T11:41:11.627" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since both you and your brother live with your parents, you could get them semi-involved in handing him the money and conditions under which it is supposed to be used when they are around. &#xA;A possible occasion might be just after dinner.&#xA;Having witnesses is a good way of ensuring something gets done as it applies some sort of peer pressure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that you cannot change people. You can make it appealing to them to change themselves though. Demanding receipts/invoices that you can pay for him in hope it is as bothersome for him as it is for you might be a valid solution but you might find better ways to incentivize a change of behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe your brother doesn't even realize his way of life being the cause of his financial troubles, but on the other hand you might miss something, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could start such a conversation by getting his point of view as of why he ran out of money. If he figures and confirms your opinion of his spendings being out of proportion you can propose making a plan on why and what for to spend the amount youre willing to give.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to rather listen to what he is saying than waiting for a catching point to get your idea across though. If he is not &quot;ready&quot; for your help you need to accept that. If you still want to help you could use the excess money you wanted to spare and donate it to your parents for their expenses on providing a bed for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing so openly (Your parents and brother both know of the reasons on why you'd give the money to them rather than to him directly) could shift his opinion but also bears the risk of guilt-tripping. Doing so without your brother knowing might at least help your conciousness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13628" LastEditorUserId="13628" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T14:19:19.753" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T14:19:19.753" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13773" CreationDate="2018-05-02T11:48:54.147" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/13776/9053&quot;&gt;scohe001's&lt;/a&gt; answer (i.e. &quot;touch or squeeze them&quot;) -- except furthermore, using your hand to take hold of their &lt;em&gt;upper arm&lt;/em&gt; might work, even if they're not your girlfriend. And unexpected physical contact might give them pause, better than anything you could say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's bold to touch them but you're already being familiar by interrupting them; and the upper arm may be one of the more neutral, less intimate (more unisex) places to touch someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might combine that gesture with another, e.g. index finger pointing up in the air with your other hand, and chin up (to indicate you're paying attantion to something in the air).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T11:48:54.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13892" CreationDate="2018-05-02T11:54:26.127" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even though &lt;strong&gt;not the most sincere&lt;/strong&gt; solution an, only as a last resort you could always present a situation where for some reason you wouldn't be paying or paying just a mere part of such an expense. &#xA;You could arrange with the hotel to present such an accommodation as a prize you won somehow. Or you could imply that you had some business with the owner and he owes you some money so he made this present to you etc. &#xA;Still i don't think it would be the best solution and i would only resort to that if nothing else could bring your beloved friends there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17404" LastEditorUserId="17404" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T12:15:06.413" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T12:15:06.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13870" CreationDate="2018-05-02T12:39:26.363" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a question about etiquette, and as a firm believer that much communication is non-verbal I am happy to try and answer this, as our choice of dress &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; communicate a message to others which may or may not be well received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By way of disclaimer, this answer deliberately avoids any discussion of &quot;cultural misappropriation&quot; or racism which are not topics for here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you asked most people in the western world what a man should wear to a job interview they would answer &quot;&lt;em&gt;a suit&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. This is because a suit is traditionally &lt;em&gt;national dress&lt;/em&gt; for a man in countries such as the UK or the USA. What actually constitutes a &quot;smart suit&quot; of course changes over time with shifts in trends, for example different styles of shirt and tie coming and and going from fashion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most generations would agree that where a person has a different cultural heritage, their equivalent &quot;national dress&quot; is equally appropriate in a formal setting. For example in the UK many with Scottish ancestry like to wear kilts at weddings; likewise I would expect to see people with Indian heritage wearing Dhotis and Saris to such occasions in the UK. These forms of dress are considered &lt;em&gt;smart&lt;/em&gt; within those cultures and so are perfectly acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to people wearing the national dress of a culture to which they have no ancestral claim - well, using the examples above I can say that if the groom at a wedding was wearing a kilt then often the rest of the wedding party will do the same irregardless of their own heritage. I have also observed white British women wearing Saris when attending an Indian wedding. How this is perceived by others will surely vary but this is not a debate for IPS.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are considering wearing a dress that would normally represent another culture, you need to consider &lt;em&gt;who&lt;/em&gt; will see it and &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; they might perceive it - will they see it as a respectful homage, a tasteful personal fashion choice, or an insult to their heritage? Only you can decide that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good benchmark may be the example I gave before - a job interview. When you attend a job interview you want to give a good impression, and in most cases you do not know the people that will be conducting your interview. Ask yourself - &lt;em&gt;would I wear this to a job interview?&lt;/em&gt; If the answer is &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt;, out of concern that you might give a bad impression or send a wrong message, or perhaps even insult someone's nationality or heritage, then perhaps you would be best not wearing it to a public function either. If on the other hand the event you are attending is more exclusive where you know most people and can perhaps anticipate their reactions, you may be able to express yourself more freely through your fashion choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T12:39:26.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13773" CreationDate="2018-05-02T12:47:14.220" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to take a different tack in answering this question by asking another one: is the loudspeaker in this scenario similar to the cell phone alert? All of the suggestions here are valid, as ways of getting your girlfriend to stop talking for a moment, but if your bigger goal is to convey your interest in her, then maybe it would be better to miss the announcement, and when she is finished talking, ask someone nearby what was said. There are always two messages in any communication, the content messages and relational messages. The content message here is, &quot;I need you to stop talking so I can hear the announcement,&quot; but the relational message (which is always less concrete and open to interpretation) is something like, &quot;This announcement is more important to me than what you are talking about right now.&quot; Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for most everything, and I am not suggesting you should never interrupt your girlfriend, but over time, she might perceive a pattern that effects how she feels about the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17407" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T12:47:14.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="526" CreationDate="2018-05-02T12:51:26.067" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mostly with Japanese friends&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you have Japanese friends, would it not be an idea to see what their take is on the matter? I'm sure they'd be glad to give you pointers on what would be considered appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an event, a celebration and a joyful time, there's no clear restrictions on who can or can't attend nor what wear is considered to be acceptable. Granted, Japan has it's own cultural beliefs etc- however you wouldn't be asking if this was obvious, as such, I see no harm in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't speak from experience with Japan in particular- but all the same, around the rest of the world there's a plethora of events that could be considered to be &quot;culture-specific&quot; in terms of their origin and celebratory focus- but this has never excluded them from being attended by &quot;only X-culture&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Has it stopped me from celebrating the 4th of July with Americans, despite being half English and half Australian, living in the UK? No. Do I participate in Anzac Day? Yes. Octoberfest, marathons, charity events etc- yes to all. There's nothing barring you from joining in and participating in the spirit of the event any more than there is stopping you from wearing a Yukata.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enjoy yourself, with others and have a pleasant time. That's what these events are for- you're just immersing yourself in and joining in by attending and wearing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;tl:dr of it is- yes. Wear it! Enjoy it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17200" LastEditorUserId="17200" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T16:22:16.407" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T16:22:16.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-02T13:09:53.447" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In your question, &quot;quickly&quot; and &quot;effectively&quot; might be difficult to achieve at the same time. I think you are asking for a practical thing you can say, or way of saying it, that will convey a clear idea and assure that you both have shared meaning regarding that idea, and then you move on, confident that he will follow your terms and then return the money promptly. But as you explain, you have a fair amount of evidence that contradicts the likelihood of this type of shared meaning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would begin with a very clear statement (it does seem like you and your brother have a well-established honesty, so he can probably handle it), but you may need to follow that by taking a little more time to explain why you are concerned. This question is being asked in &quot;interpersonal communication&quot; and in that context you need to consider your relationship, and the way that relationship is influenced by the communication &lt;em&gt;process&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one hand, you want your brother to be responsible with the money you lend him (practical wish), but you are asking this question here because you do not trust him to do so (relationship issue). To keep this simple, if you want a loved one to change their behavior, for the sake of your ongoing relationship, sometimes you need to meta-communicate -- i.e.: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I honestly am a little worried about giving you this money because I don't think you always make the best decisions. I want to trust you. If you can agree to my terms and return the money it will really mean a lot to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just have to be willing to create a little conflict to get to the heart of what this is really about. Again, my sense from the context you provide makes me think you two can handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding this based on your message: I think I would still suggest this as a way of conveying your seriousness in the conditions. I know I lean toward the relationship side of things in my thinking, but my belief is that by sharing your own idea of how this impacts your relationship will help him understand why you are setting the conditions. It helps provide context, and conveys that you have really put some thought into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17407" LastEditorUserId="17407" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T01:40:49.623" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T01:40:49.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-02T13:20:45.143" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;Offer to buy it for him. Yes, I understand you do not want to constantly be giving him 20$ here and 50$ there. You don't need to.&#xA;You wrote that he mentioned multiple necessities you want to cover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him make a list of what he wants. If you don't want to give away your plans yet, argue it is to help him calculate a budget. In fact, preferably try to do just that first. Go through the list and talk about how important each item is for him and how he could afford it. Then select items you deem important but too expensive for him to handle right now and offer to buy him those. You buy them, you can hand over the receipts later (for guarantees and other cases where he needs them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not want to &quot;enable&quot; him too much to spend his money on private luxuries instead of necessities, leave some of them to him to pay for. So you provide him with what you deem most important, he has to budget for the other things. And if something is left over, this is where his luxuries come from. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Budgeting is something some people have to be taught and it is not their fault, just unfortunate that school systems do not teach it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I feel the need to edit this because this answer seems controversial. While some people obviously upvoted it (and I even got a batch for it) others say (correctly) that it does not necessarily answer the question as formulated by OP. I want to address that.&#xA;I read from the question that this is by far not the first occasion of this particular situation occurring. I also read that there is, in general, a very caring and nice relationship between the siblings.&#xA;Sometimes the question we have on our tongue is not the question that bothers our mind. A caring sibling would want to help their brother long-term. And not hurt his feelings while doing so, because you cannot easily help a person that is mad at you. They want to provide them with necessities while making sure he does not spend the money on something else instead and then still lacks the necessities. &#xA;One way to achieve that is saying it directly. Saying it in a worried way that makes clear you mean no harm. This often leads to the person feeling a short guilt but bounce back into their habits later anyway. Habits are habits. They don't just disappear.&#xA;The other option is saying it in a stern way. It might spark conflict and lead to nothing at the end other than a damaged relationship. No change in habits either.&#xA;There often is no way to change habits (your own or others) by just talking about it. Practical help is much more effective and usually also feels helpful to the receiver and is thus less offensive. They get the feeling that they receive help and love instead of discussions and blame.&#xA;In my opinion this is an answer to the question. Answers are not always what you want to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If OP is determined to just give their brother the money, I at least wanted to offer a non-offensive way of doing so. The boundaries are inherent.&#xA;You don't always have to explain people boundaries. You set and enforce them. Preferably you offer very little weak points to get around them. This way they are clear, stable and not just &quot;hot air&quot; that can be blown away. You don't go there and put someone on a leash and tug and tug, you place a lake they cannot pass. The lake won't be blamed. You don't fight against a lake. But a leash will be questioned, chewed at and it will be prevalent always. The lake is only prevalent when you stand at its borders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastEditorUserId="3381" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T09:53:46.607" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T09:53:46.607" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13889" CreationDate="2018-05-02T13:28:02.883" Score="85" Body="&lt;p&gt;Adding this answer for the minor gap in the other answer: what if she isn't actively inviting her friend to avoid uncertainties?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not beyond the realm of possibilities that she's simply inviting a friend because she wants to invite a friend to hang out; without having an ulterior motive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is an issue with your expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know it's not a date just hang out together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is exactly why you shouldn't be opposed to others being present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But, I really only want the two of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you should ask her on a date. It's as simple as that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it stands, you're asking us how to go on a date with a girl without having to ask her on a date or signal to her that you want to have a date with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is essentially manipulation and subterfuge, neither of which are an appropriate interpersonal skill here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This behavior can also effectively hurt your chances. Instead of being open about your intentions, you subtly try to manipulate the situation. If she spots this, she won't respond positively to this. Your secretive behavior suggest the possibility of you having a hidden agenda.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're genuinely interested in this girl, then genuinely ask her out on a date. There's no point in trying to have a potential relationship start with a lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T13:28:02.883" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13912" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-02T13:29:43.790" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to convey something is serious, it always helps to &lt;strong&gt;put it in written form&lt;/strong&gt; and have it signed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is your money so you can just state your conditions and put them in a small contract. This does not have to be a real, enforceable legal thing - just a &quot;memorandum of understanding&quot;.  He can then decide if he wants to take it and sign accordingly or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it really clear that you are serious. &#xA;It helps both of you to: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clearly communicate the rules of this transaction &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember those rules in retrospect after a certain time (when he asks you for more money, or you have a discussion about what was agreed).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give it a touch of seriousness. (If you want, you could also introduce a penalty for not following the rules)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Be warned however, if you think you can somehow educate him by giving him money and control his spending in return. This has great potential of stressing your relationship.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Other options would be:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just give him a private loan (also with signed contract and repayment terms)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Buy the things he needs (and you approve of) and give them to him as a gift.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background: I have personally made good experiences in the past with writing things down when you mix money and friendship/family, as soon as things get a little complicated. I have also seen otherwise with transactions that where made in good faith but not written down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T15:28:20.720" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T15:28:20.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13892" CreationDate="2018-05-02T14:17:27.633" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would frame it so that they understand that having them visit is something that brings a lot of happiness to you and your wife and spending time with them is worth more than money. Explain that since you live in an apartment it would get cramped and make the visit harder for both them and you and you want to make the most of the time they are visiting - that means everyone is well rested and not stepping on each others toes when having to use the restrooms or whatnot. In short - its the best use of your money you could find, spending quality time with family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17409" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T14:17:27.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13916" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13892" CreationDate="2018-05-02T14:18:58.560" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like Dhon Joe's option pretty good, but another would simply be to lie:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have a friend who is a manager at the hotel and offered a room for free.  However, he asked that we tip the maid each day.  Something like 2 or 3 dollars is acceptable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this way they feel like they are paying something and it is probably well within their means to do that.  Yes it is a lie, but I do not feel it is unethical as what harm does it bring to anyone?  None, in fact it is a lie that promotes family unity.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5061" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T14:18:58.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13874" CreationDate="2018-05-02T14:44:38.877" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your conflict likely comes from the conflict between some of the issues being discussed and your parent's attitude toward them. You fear for the fate of your tutor would your parents find out he is discussing such subjects with you, especially if it is within a neutral, positive or gratuitous sphere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're probably being tutored in your parents home, which makes discussion of such subjects even more troublesome to you. I would simply tell your tutor that you don't feel comfortable discussing potentially illegal and/or immoral subject matter with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T14:44:38.877" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13889" CreationDate="2018-05-02T15:01:27.457" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Go to a movie with her and welcome her friend. Enjoy yourself - you are in her company after all. Your goal is for the three of you to be relaxed and comfortable in each others company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kick all thoughts of girlfriend/lover/wife/love-for-the-ages out of your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming the three of you had a good time say, at the end, that you had a great time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't think of holding her hand or a kiss or intimacy of any kind (unless she grabbed you by the arm and is holding you close and her friend has left to do ... whatever...) That is the best of all scenarios. At that point she has decided that you are a potential partner. I would recommend playing it straight. Tell her you like her and want to see her again. Now, it's her turn to respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most probably the night won't end up as the ideal scenario mentioned above but if she is smiling and says that she had a great time then say you would like to go out again (include her friend in the invite - and mean it).  Now the ball is in her court. If she goes out with you again but this time it's the two of you. Well now it's a date isn't it. You have a chance of her getting to like you, to think that you're someone she wants to be with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after a month and several dates she's never alone with you. Sorry. She didn't choose you. It sucks. But there it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17412" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T15:01:27.457" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="526" CreationDate="2018-05-02T15:12:34.947" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Starting from the culturally expected dresscode at these kind of events wearing a yukata is the most &quot;normal&quot; thing to do. Just like wearing a black (or really dark) suit to a funeral or a tuxedo to a wedding would be the expected dress code.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a foreigner shows up with the &quot;culturally correct&quot; clothes it's most likely percieved as appreciation for the culture. You're showing interest in the culture and try to fit in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you show up in &quot;normal western&quot; clothing instead you'll just be seen as that foreigner that likes the fireworks. Nothing wrong here either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So although it's not really expected of foreingers you're not doing anything wrong either if you decide to show up in the culturally expected clothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you happen to have Japanese friends you can also go a step further and ask them if you wore that yukata correctly or if there are some nuances that you might not know about. Similarly to how you &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.thisisinsider.com/suit-button-rules-bottom-top-2017-3&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;leave the bottom button open&lt;/a&gt; in a suit jacket for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T15:12:34.947" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-02T15:28:55.397" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Ask him.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you provide money, ask him if he feels he really can spend it well.  If he doesn't agree that he could improve in this area, you have no choice but to give small amounts at a time or get proof of what it was used for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming he agrees that he could really improve in this area, ask him what the best way is for him to be held accountable for it.  Ask him what he is willing for you to do for both of you to know that this is working out.  Ask him how much he feels he really could be trusted with at a time.  Again if he really feels that he could handle it all (and you don't) or he feels that he needs small amounts doled out to him, then you are back to that being your only option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, ask him how often you should talk about this issue and schedule a follow up time to do it.  In all of these steps, he has either bought into the idea of being honest with you on what is happening with it, or you can know for sure that he can't handle it.  You have a firm course either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then make this less of a &quot;father/son&quot; thing and more of a &quot;brother/brother&quot; thing if you ask him what he feels you should improve on.  Then, you also work on that.  The two of you will be improving each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this boils down to creating an accountability partner.  Google books on the subject and you may have a solution to your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13589" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T15:28:55.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-02T15:28:55.797" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you need to convey that this isn't another empty threat, then I suggest sitting down to a one-on-one and telling him &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have many, many examples, from the sounds of it, to compare this to. Something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Brother, I want to be absolutely clear that this isn't our usual &quot;joking&quot; seriousness about this kind of thing. This isn't like driving the car to Best Friend's wedding. I need to know that the money I loan you is not going to be spent on luxuries instead of necessities and you're going to get the things you need, &lt;em&gt;absolutely&lt;/em&gt; need, to take care of yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Comparing it to one of the empty threat moments may help cement that this is a different story. The last part, about needing to know, helps show that you are concerned for his well-being more than anything. You don't seem to mind that he has luxuries, and you don't seem to mind that he spends on himself. It reads to me as you are concerned about his well-being first and foremost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother and I are in a similar situation. He's not so great at his spending habits, and it's caused him trouble in the past. Now, I'm not great either, but I've not missed a payment on my house or car. The worst I'm in danger of is not being able to buy new games when they come out, but I still have shelter, food, clothing, and a way to get to and from work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I started trying to help him with his finances, I did my best to make it clear I wasn't just gifting him money to do with as he pleased. Granted, I did take things a step further and check what he was spending it on, but so long as you point out how this is different from your usual gifting/sharing habits and empty threats, you shouldn't need to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if he &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to prove to you that he's spending wisely, I wouldn't tell him not to. Otherwise, it gives the impression that this &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an empty threat, that you're not willing to be sure that he's doing what he said if he tries to show you. &lt;strong&gt;You don't have to ask for verification&lt;/strong&gt;, but you should accept it if he offers it. You don't even have to actually check what he gives you, just accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Comparing to past events to contrast the events and accepting proof should he offer it should help prove that you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; serious about this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note, without verifying what he's buying, I'm not sure how you'll be able to enforce this rule. If you don't already have a solid plan for being sure he's spending money on what he said he did, I would be sure you have one or seriously reconsider not doing &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; to verify. Without a solid way to verify, this &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; turn into another empty threat, whatever you intend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T15:41:56.710" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T15:41:56.710" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="526" CreationDate="2018-05-02T16:46:49.607" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As Imus has answered earlier, the (modern) expected dresscode for anyone is usually a yukata for summer festivals. This isn't always the case, especially for females, where yukatas can be considered stuffy or a trouble to put on. As an example that this is the general view, here's a &lt;a href=&quot;https://mobile.twitter.com/niichi021/status/759344572753252354&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;small comparison on preferences that was trending a few years back, on the subject of a female companion's preference of dress code to a summer festival.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From personal experience, I was actually encouraged to wear one, complete with &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geta_(footwear)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;wooden getas&lt;/a&gt; (as well as to trips to onsen). Even though my Japanese is at best daily conversational level, a very helpful innlady was happy to help me put on the wear, which was already included in the lodging fee. I was travelling with other foreigner friends, so I wasn't with a group of natives, either. I got to meet and befriend a group of travelling local students as well, and they seemed to not mind the wear, and probably expected it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would conclude that it is fine to wear yukatas to summer events, and that it's not really seen as a &lt;em&gt;faux pas&lt;/em&gt; if its a foreigner wearing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; like to add, though, that wearing it sloppily is probably a greater &lt;em&gt;faux pas&lt;/em&gt; than actually wearing it. Make sure you get help from someone that knows the intricacies (ideally), or &lt;a href=&quot;https://matcha-jp.com/en/2726&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;read up on the subject carefully&lt;/a&gt;. For example, using the wrong side on top can be culturally inappropriate because of funeral ceremonies, and the way you tie your obi can really tell how sloppy or not you're treating the dresscode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13124" LastEditorUserId="13124" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T16:54:56.960" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T16:54:56.960" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13928" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13929" CreationDate="2018-05-02T16:50:02.213" Score="8" ViewCount="1019" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an undergraduate student(and a so-called nerd), I have had friends who requested academic help a day or two before exams. Now, I don't have much problem with helping them and I try my best to do that. &lt;strong&gt;However, you can't help everyone all the time.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learnt that the hard way in my mid-term exams because I didn't work enough on my weaknesses because most of my time was spent clearing any doubts(Solving the questions) my friends had. And those questions hardly ever overlapped with my weaknesses. Hence, my weaknesses remained exactly that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I refuse to provide help?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in my culture, it is sort of expected that if someone is good at, say, academics, they should help out the ones who are not so good at it. So, a direct no tends to harm relations with friends and also leads to you being seen as an arrogant jerk. I can tell them to come at a later time but they usually return at another time when I am even more busy and further excuses only serve to adversely affect relations. (&lt;em&gt;Note that: There is no severe deterioration. It is just that, it doesn't help with how people see you, and trust me, in my culture, how people see you, is very important&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried going to the library more often to counter this problem but the atmosphere in a library doesn't suit me and hence, even that is not an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How can I tactfully refuse help to people while not deteriorating my relationship with them?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10072" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T09:38:27.560" Title="How to tactfully refuse to provide academic help?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13928" CreationDate="2018-05-02T17:16:13.717" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question will sound very familiar to anyone who works in legal, medicine, or IT.  &quot;Hey, I need you to help me&quot; and it winds up sucking up all of your time to no benefit to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I've heard people do is have a schedule.  &quot;Sure, I can help you.  I'm available next week Tuesday.&quot;  Then it's not a question of your willingness to help, it's a question of your availability.  The question starts off on the right foot, saying to come back later, but it doesn't really define &quot;later&quot;.  By maintaining a schedule, you define when later is and ensure that &quot;later&quot; doesn't impact you even worse.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone wants your help at the last minute (say right before an examination), then it gets harder.  As the message gets out that people need to plan, however, the last-minute calls should decrease.  Granted there will always be some who refuse to plan and will try to take advantage of you, but others should be able to think ahead a little more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Scheduling is the first step.  Now, the second step is limiting how much help you can do.  If someone wants help, then offer them a discrete block of time so you aren't stuck trying to remedy poor study habits, lack of discipline, unwillingness to do the work, lack of talent in the field, or other base issue.  If they legitimately have some questions, a discrete block of time will help.  If they need more advanced help, then that discrete block of time will help establish that they need more than you can provide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'd love to help.  I've got an hour free on Wednesday at 6:30.  Let's get together at your place&quot;.  Now you've established that you can help, you will help, how much help you can provide, and you've set yourself up to be able to leave.  It's a lot easier for you to be able to say, &quot;Well, time's up and I have to leave&quot; than to say &quot;Time's up and you have to leave.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd add that an important help to render is &lt;strong&gt;self-help&lt;/strong&gt;.  Allot time to work on your weaknesses.  No one needs to know that you're the person you're helping.  Just set that time as unavailable.  &quot;I'm helping someone else at 8 and then going to bed.  Sorry, I'm just not available.&quot;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T17:16:13.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13930" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13928" CreationDate="2018-05-02T17:35:35.740" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a tutor or a problems solver is a key issue.&#xA;If people come to have problems solved or for them to get better at building up their knowledge and methods to solve their problems themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Helping people solve their problems takes time and patience, spotting their mistakes in their approaches, not just giving them the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you actually monitor how they are progressing, and simply close the door on those not prepared to put effort in to grow, it becomes simpler.  It is a waste of ones time helping those who refuse to develop their methodology, and they themselves will stop coming for advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So making clear your approach to people who come, will help you and them.&#xA;The benefit is those who put into action your tutoring, get better so come less&#xA;and those who just want a simple answer, will stop coming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By this you are not rejecting them, but laying out what your help means and is a good use of your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T17:35:35.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-02T18:27:55.023" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I'm reading this correctly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since I am aware of a number of these sorts of things coming up soon that are in his own best interest to buy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...it sounds like you know a number of specific expenses that are coming up for your brother that will be difficult to afford, but helpful if not outright necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to list those items out, and then tell your brother that you are offering to pay for those specific expenses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason for this is that it may be impossible to &quot;give&quot; him money, and then tell him that its not truly his to spend as he sees fit, without causing offense (I say &quot;may&quot; because individual personality and culture plays heavily into this, and some people are less likely to consider that inappropriate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By offering to cover specific necessary expenses, you minimize the risk of his being offended by conditions of your assistance, while allowing you to be 100% confident that you won't be given cause to regret trusting him to spend the money they way you think he should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T18:27:55.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13932" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-02T18:29:44.793" Score="3" ViewCount="444" Body="&lt;p&gt;Growing up, we always had family dinners to celebrate birthdays and similar events like Mother's Day, Father's Day, and some other things that are personal to our family. These traditions have been continued in the years since I've moved out, with the addition of Christmas, Thanksgiving and New Years all as times I, and other siblings, are expected to go back to our parent's house. Given the size of the family, the number of birthdays, and the other miscellaneous events, this totals to 13-15 times a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My youngest siblings are still at home, though the majority of us have moved out. And at this point, I don't see a reason to reconvene so often as a whole family, especially since we don't all live in the same city any more (college and work for us older ones). Frankly, its exhausting and I'd rather see the family shift to 3-4 quality things a year (which I assumed would happen naturally, but its not), rather then try to continue doing all of the 13-15 we did growing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I've decided that I, at least, will cut back on these events. How can I convince my parents that I won't be coming to every single dinner any more, and how can I do it without causing hard feelings? My mother doesn't do well with conflict or rejection and would probably take it personally. My father would understand, but try to convince me to continue on for my mother's sake. I'm not afraid to say &quot;no&quot;, but I'm worried if it gets to that point, there will be hard feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="269" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T13:14:16.740" Title="How to get out of visiting family as often without any hard feelings?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13933" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13928" CreationDate="2018-05-02T18:33:37.037" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was also studious in college. I was a nerd, but I didn't have the outward appearance of the typical 'nerd'. Nevertheless, I was at the top of my classes, and other students would seek me out for answers to homework. I mixed together several approaches to remedy the problems caused by other students taking up all my time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I volunteered as a student tutor in math. Then, I could simply direct others in my math courses to the tutoring center where I could help them when I was on duty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wrote a custom terminal program so I could log in to the system we used to do application development. It was an IBM AS400, and we had to use dialup networking to access it. This allowed me to work from home a lot. So, I didn't have to look like a jerk turning people down for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a certain style of helping the people who came to me, where I genuinely took an interest in their lives. Some students already had children to support. Some received no assistance from their families (parents). Others were not as gifted as I am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still others had poor language skills or problems assimilating into the local culture. I did it kind of like the wizard in The Wizard of Oz. Everyone has within themselves what it takes to be successful at what they choose. They just don't know it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, after I determined each person's deficits, be it lack of time, lack of effort, lack of intellect, lack of confidence, a learning disability, lack of experience, low self-esteem, etc; I gave them something of myself to help them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After each person knew that I truly was interested in who they are and what their life situation is, then I would ask about school work. What are you having a problem with? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I would get the answer, &quot;everything!&quot; So, I just answered, &quot;pick one specific thing.&quot; So, I narrowed it down to something manageable in the short time allotted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I'd ask, &quot;How do 'you' think it should be done? Write it out. I have faith in you!&quot; After they tried to do the problem, then I'd lead them to find the right answer, always making them think they did it themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, I'd just say, &quot;The answer was inside you all the time. You only needed me to help you find it. If you need help again, let me know. But I expect that you'll at least try to find the answer yourself first.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The confidence I imparted, and the expectation that each would at least try it themselves in the future, really reduced the number of students who came to me, because they had the confidence to at least try to do the work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the few that persisted, I would just make photocopies of my class notes and hand them to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T18:33:37.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13932" CreationDate="2018-05-02T18:44:53.997" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother-in-law is of the same mindset. &quot;We need to get together for Christmas/Easter/Thanksgiving/Arbor Day/May Day.  Can you come?&quot;  And then the guilt follows when the answer is &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We eventually decided that we would set up a rule for ourselves: we don't travel for holidays.  It was too exhausting and conflicted with our schedules too much.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It took several years for MIL to accept that.  But it was preferable to explaining why we couldn't make it.  &quot;We have to work&quot;  &quot;Well, call in sick&quot; &quot;We don't want to pack up the kids&quot; &quot;I never get to see the grandkids&quot; &quot;Can you make it after work?&quot;  &quot;No, that would put us there at 10 at night&quot; ad nauseum.  Hence &quot;the rule&quot;: we don't travel for holidays.  No, we're not explaining it.  That's the rule for us.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We worry too much about hard feelings.  Feelings are important, but I think we believe people are more sensitive than they actually are.   If our parents love us, they'll be happy to see us when we can make it and they will understand that we have our own lives to live.  Being the first is hardest, but if it's hard for you, it's equally hard for others who will follow your lead as well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also add one thing: offer to visit at a time you choose.  Don't cut off contact; merely make it so that you can visit at a time that works for your schedule.  then you show that you want to visit but need to do at a different time.  You don't need to visit 13 times a year, but once or twice should get the point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T18:44:53.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13932" CreationDate="2018-05-02T18:58:41.940" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have found that the thing that works for me is to decide what is best for me, commit to doing what is best for me, and then letting others know what I will do. The difference is really just acknowledging that their feelings are their own and you do not make them feel a certain way. You don't need to try to change their feelings, just let them know what you are doing and why you are doing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your problem is that these dinners are high effort and low reward, I would just say that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have to drive a long way, I'm only here for a few hours, I'm exhausted, and it doesn't feel like quality time, so I don't enjoy it as much as I used to. I'd prefer to just come when I can enjoy a quality visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you can enlist some agreement from your siblings who are like-minded and get some support beforehand. Suggest some specific days/weekends that would be preferred and begin planning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worst case scenario, nothing changes but your presence and you have less stress and your absences are understood if not fully appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T18:58:41.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13932" CreationDate="2018-05-02T19:49:43.527" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would just be honest. It seems like you want to devise a solution to your dilemma so you can avoid unpleasant resistance in the future. But that never works in issues of this sort. They are solved slowly, as families and their members grow, mature and change, and circumstances change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How we communicate with our family members regarding such changes will shape the future. There are no shortcuts other than cutting yourselves off. In the case of telemarketers, it might be OK to adopt a rule never to give money or purchase anything by phone. Then, you simply state the rule, and the call is over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I disagree with doing that among family members. It won't be long before the rule must be set aside, and it serves only to avoid unpleasant interaction on the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would handle each invitation on it's own, individually, and navigate it as it goes. If your mother will not hear your 'no', you can tell her she has no respect for her own child and what he has to say. That she's only concerned about what she wants! When she is willing to step out of herself and consider the needs and desires of others, you'd be willing to discuss it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until that time comes, you've said all you have to say, and you can't make it. But also keep in mind that every kindness done for a parent bears untold rewards from heaven. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was always forbearing and obedient to my father, even when he wanted me to do something that would make my life difficult. I have always gone out of my way for him. I became an engineer because he wanted me to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I hated him, but I was always faithful. No one in my family realized how well my fathers investments had done over the years, because he lives below his means. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He drives his cars until they rot 15-20 years. He has never made an interest payment except for housing. He did all his own home repair and auto work.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of my devotion to my parent, he has willed to me multiple tens of millions of dollars. Not so with my siblings who never had time for him. Filial piety is one of the greatest virtues and bears great rewards. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T19:49:43.527" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13889" CreationDate="2018-05-02T19:53:11.633" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;TLDR; she wants things to be explicit. It could be that she had ambiguous relationship with a murky ending. Could be something else altogether. I won't try to guesstimate the reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have two choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Come out in the open and explain that it's a date.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you are not sure and need time, let her friends tag along. Whatever you want to do can be done in the company of her friends; and often enough, presence of an audience makes things more interesting, not less.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8101" LastEditorUserId="8101" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T18:38:35.390" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T18:38:35.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-02T20:40:14.997" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One skill that can help you convey your seriousness is &lt;strong&gt;sustained eye contact&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making consistent eye contact will help you establish &lt;em&gt;assertiveness&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;dominance&lt;/em&gt; in your conversation. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.cnbc.com/2017/08/17/how-making-eye-contact-can-help-you-appear-more-confident-at-work.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;A number of studies&lt;/a&gt; have shown this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the source:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;According to a study from the &lt;a href=&quot;http://publications.idiap.ch/downloads/papers/2010/Gatica-Perez_JIVC_2009.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Idiap Research Institute&lt;/a&gt;, eye contact shows a person's social hierarchy and dominance in a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Body language expert Lillian Glass notes the importance of eye contact in her book &quot;The Body Language Advantage.&quot; Glass says that breaking eye contact not only suggests submissiveness but that &quot;when eye contact is maintained, it signifies control or power over a situation and establishes dominance.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you tell him the conditions under which you will give him the money, make and hold eye contact with him. Doing this (especially on the second condition) will help you show that you are serious about what you are saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another skill that you can use to convey that you are serious is &lt;strong&gt;tone of voice.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tone of your voice carries a lot of meaning whether you intend it to or not. Knowing this, you can select your tone in order to signify that you mean business. There are a few things you can do to give your voice a serious tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Speak matter-of-factly&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Saying things like &quot;you will spend the money on&quot; instead of &quot;you should spend the money on&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Place emphasis on the actions&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;You &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; spend the money on [x]&quot; and &quot;I &lt;em&gt;will not&lt;/em&gt; give you anymore&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep the pitch of your voice consistent&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing these things will give your voice a tone that emphasizes that what you have said is definitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T20:40:14.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-02T21:12:22.990" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've said that this money is to help him pay for certain things that are coming up, given that he's lost his source of income. You can't easily enforce that he spends the money on those things without demanding receipts, going with him to buy them, or various other things that will make you both feel like you're acting as his parent or minder, which is only going to inconvenience you and make him feel distrusted and resentful. A better approach is to help him to change his behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;State your intention&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step is to give him the correct amount of money to cover the thing that you intend to pay for, with little or no extra. When you give him the money, tell him this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Here's $700 - that should cover this month's bills and the service on your car next week, right?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it very obvious that your intention is for the money to be spent on those things. If he comes back to you sometime later and says &quot;hey, I can't afford my car's service tomorrow - could I borrow some money?&quot; then you can say to him &quot;I already gave you the money for that&quot; and politely but firmly refuse to give him any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to be this prescriptive, of course. You could say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Here, this should see you through to the end of the month, right?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This leaves it more open, but makes it very clear how long you expect the money to last. As with the first example, if he comes back a few days later and asks to borrow some money, you can say &quot;I already gave you some money, and you agreed it would last til the end of the month, and that's still a week away&quot;, and politely but firmly refuse to give him any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases, you've made it clear up front that the money is earmarked for something. If you feel it's necessary, you could briefly reiterate as you actually hand it over &quot;just remember, this is for your car payment&quot; or &quot;just so we're clear, this will have to last you til next Friday&quot; or whatever limitation you stated originally. The repetition should make it obvious that this isn't just a casual comment or suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Reiterate and reinforce&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beside that, the best way to make someone understand that you're serious about an ultimatum is to demonstrate a track record of actually keeping to it. If he comes back asking for more money, remind him of the limitation that you stated originally, point out that it's not your fault if he chose to spend the money on a purpose other than what you meant it for, and refuse to give him any more until the next time. If you said it's for his car payment, then next time a car payment is due, you can give him some money for that. If you said it'll have to last til the end of the month, then on the 1st of next month, you can give him some more. This time, however, hopefully he'll remember what happened last time, and spend it more wisely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that there are several things you want to help him out with, so you can make use of this, and give him the money for one thing at a time, giving him plenty of opportunities to learn that you're serious about your restrictions before the next one comes around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Help him break the habit gradually&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that his frivolous spending might be a hard habit for him to break, and you can spare the cash, then you could start out by giving him a little more than he needs initially, and then slowly shaving down the extra. This gives him some leeway at first, so that if he goes out and spends a little extra here and there it still leaves him with enough for the important payments, but as time goes by and he gets used to living on a tighter budget you'd expect him to get better at curbing his spending, so you start giving him amounts closer to the exact value of the payment in the hope that he's learned to budget a little better and will spend it more wisely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2521" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T21:12:22.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13881" CreationDate="2018-05-02T21:19:33.163" Score="29" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Religious beliefs about this sort of thing are often deeply rooted in &lt;strong&gt;shame&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was raised in such a strain of religion and have dealt with very similar issues, feeling like it was taboo to talk about such things. If you search &quot;purity culture&quot; you can get an idea of some things they taught girls. For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;doing anything physical is a slippery slope&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;talking about it is almost as bad, because it makes you think about it, makes you more likely to do it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;guys have desires, and it's the girl's job to fend them off / not tempt them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;not to mention many analogies about how doing anything with a guy meant giving part of yourself away irrevocably or otherwise permanently damaging your purity&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this made a very high barrier to admit that I, a girl, wanted to do anything, even when I did. (I mean &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt;: I even told my first boyfriend not to ask if he could kiss me, because I would be too embarrassed to ever answer &quot;yes&quot;...)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I think she may be in a similar predicament.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What can you do?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A major factor in my &quot;recovery&quot; was a boyfriend who was very patient about my issues, while still gently insisting that I address them. The specifics will depend on the dynamics of your relationship, but if I had to break it down:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Give her plenty of time and space.&lt;/strong&gt; When she gets embarrassed, let things calm down and don't press the matter. Remind her that you like and appreciate her as she is now. Don't talk about potentially upsetting things when she is already uncomfortable, and don't make it a big deal when she gets embarrassed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; boundaries and why they are,&lt;/strong&gt; if you share those beliefs. Maybe she feels guilty because her standards are more lax than she perceives the religion's &quot;best practices&quot; to be? If you are open and unashamed of your boundaries, you can lead by example and boost her confidence.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(Caveat: if your boundaries are significantly past hers, this could come off as trying to persuade her to cross the line.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take the initiative to &quot;time out&quot; yourself.&lt;/strong&gt; When you are together, letting her lead is a great idea, but make sure that it's not always her pulling back first. This is a way to show that you are paying attention to her boundaries and in control of yourself (myth busted!), which goes a long way towards building up trust. And in the event she asks &quot;wait, why'd you stop?&quot; -- you have an opening to clarify what those boundaries are.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask for affirmative, verbal consent.&lt;/strong&gt; That is, ask her directly &quot;Do you want to do this?&quot; and waiting for her to say &quot;Yes, I would like to do this&quot;. (It sounds more natural the more you practice it, really!) To be clear, I don't mean to imply she hasn't been consenting, I just mean that it's harder to dodge the cognitive dissonance when you have to say it out loud.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was possibly the most significant step for me. When I really wanted my boyfriend to kiss me, but he wouldn't until I explicitly asked... eventually I had to own up to it. Little by little, this helped me internalize: yes, I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; want this, it isn't a &quot;dirty little secret&quot;, it's something I can freely and enthusiastically discuss with my partner (and when I do, I get nice things!)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some mild teasing or positive mentions&lt;/strong&gt; when you're both in a good mood can help normalize it as well. For example, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;wow, I love kissing you&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;you like doing that?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;or the cheekiest (use with caution!): &quot;hmm, I guess you like that! ;)&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, she will probably still be a bit embarrassed, but thanks to the other positive feelings of the moment, the effect is lessened and you can laugh it off.. while still chipping away at the mental barriers. Of course, use your best judgment, and be prepared to go back to step 1 if it backfires.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This will take time.&lt;/strong&gt; She's not going to lose all her inhibitions in one conversation, she needs to build up trust with you. But with patience and support it can happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also see how she feels about text-based communication for discussion. It may be too much for her to see it written out plainly, but on the other hand it's sometimes easier to &quot;say&quot; things when you don't have to look the other person in the eyes and verbalize. It would also allow her to react and compose herself on her own time. So maybe this would be less intimidating for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T21:19:33.163" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13874" CreationDate="2018-05-02T21:21:13.397" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn't a straightforward &quot;intimidating&quot; person. If I met an intimidating person who has a very strong opposite opinion from me (and we're both adults), I can very easily look at my options of removing myself from the situation or dealing with it in other ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of reasons why this is different:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This person has influence and authority over you.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have to be there for 3 hours and can't remove yourself from the situation.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are not behaving in a way appropriate at all for an authority figure.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, you do not need to get accustomed to dealing with this. It is not normal or appropriate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, your parents are (I assume) paying him to perform a service. They pay him, he teaches you. If he is doing a bad job, and his service is not working for you, then it's perfectly okay to find someone else. There is no obligation to stick with one person. So you can tell your parents that this isn't working for you and you want to try someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How much you tell your parents is up to you. You can say to them what you've said here, if you feel comfortable doing so. Or you can simply say that his tutoring style doesn't suit you and you want to find someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't feel like this tutor is working out for me.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I don't think we get along.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  His tutoring style doesn't really work for me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He talks a lot about other things and gets distracted.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  He gets side tracked talking about other stuff.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  We waste time taking about other stuff.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this skill - saying &quot;no&quot; to people - is a very good one to practice. There will be many many times when someone offers you a product/service and you try it and say no. This is a good thing to get used to doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-05-02T21:34:05.000" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T21:34:05.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13854" CreationDate="2018-05-02T21:32:38.843" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, dating feedback is almost 100% indirect and/or nonverbal. If I know a girl really likes being with me, but I don't like being with her, I'm not going to verbalize it, because it's cruelty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you're not adept at picking up social cues. I think you're better at it than you are willing to admit. You just don't like what the social cues mean. No one ever needs to wonder after a date whether the other person wants to continue dating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple, &quot;I really enjoyed our time together the other night. I'd like to see you again. How about tomorrow. We can do such and such.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the girl is interested in the guy she will say 'yes'. If she has previous plans, she will break them to be with the new guy. If she puts you off, doesn't answer IMs, or is less than enthusiastic, the message is: &quot;I don't want to hurt you. But ...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just picture how you would respond if she said, &quot;I really like you! Would you like to go out again?&quot; She wouldn't feel any different hearing that from you, if she likes you. Picture what you would be willing to do given that comment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you be willing to cancel your plans to be with her? Would anything stand between you and being with her? If she sent you an IM, would you answer it? She would feel the same as you do if she likes you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People make a decision about others within five minutes of meeting them. So, learn from experience. Your not going to get a line-item feedback list on any date. If you have to ask her, &quot;It won't hurt me if you don't, but could you please tell me if you like me or not, and if you don't, could you please provide useful feedback to help me on future dates?&quot; You've blown any possible hope. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's just not the way it works. By being honest with yourself, and making an honest assessment of your appearance, personal hygiene and body language; you can discover areas that might need work. But no date is going to tell you that stuff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust me! I have more experience with dating and women than anyone I've ever met, or even heard of. Each date is either the beginning of a lifelong relationship, or it isn't. Those are the only two things that can happen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before a girl will accept a romantic date (just the guy and the girl) she must entertain the possibility that there is at least some bridegroom potential. Otherwise, she's wasting her time! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The guy in order to ask a girl out must also entertain that there is some bride potential. Otherwise, he wouldn't ask her out! A date is a mutual job interview for the position of spouse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people might not like that, but it remains the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16352" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T21:32:38.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13947" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13854" CreationDate="2018-05-02T23:29:15.023" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ideally, though perhaps unrealistically, I'd like to pitch the&#xA;  question in a way that would allow me to ask for details if the answer&#xA;  is &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but virtually no one is going to do this for you.  Virtually no one is going to want to give you such personal criticism to your face.  Especially if this other person is a woman, and you are a man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best chance would be to have a mutual friend who is close enough that s/he would tell the friend their honest opinion, then the friend would tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An open-ended invitation, like &quot;I'm thinking of seeing the new Avengers movie this weekend, text me if you want to go with&quot; is fine, and not pushy, because it frees her to give a face-saving &quot;Sorry, not this weekend, maybe another time&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-05-02T23:29:15.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13949" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13996" CreationDate="2018-05-03T00:22:50.063" Score="22" ViewCount="1426" Body="&lt;p&gt;I take the bus a lot. (I don't own a car, it's not feasible for me to do so). Mostly, I sit in my seat and I read or I check my phone, people tend to leave me to do my thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in the past few weeks, I've had to deal with a few people (male - I look generally female/feminine) who think that the fact we are on the same bus is enough for them to chat me up. Normally, me not paying attention or engaging is enough, or a polite &quot;I'm married&quot; shuts them up. However, I've run into a couple cases where that's not been enough - they continue to invade my space, try to flirt, etc. I've tried just getting up and moving to another seat, but sometimes, even that doesn't work. I've had a couple cases now where the person is on the outside, so they need to move for me to move. I've asked them to let me up, and if I don't lie and say I'm getting off the bus, they refuse to let me move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I do lie and say I am getting off the bus, once they notice I'm not actually &lt;em&gt;getting off the bus&lt;/em&gt;, they keep trying. It's not really enough to be considered harassment in the sense I'd get the driver involved, but it's enough to make me feel super uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What sort of responses can I give to them to make it very clear I'm not interested, without sacrificing more info about myself (real or imagined)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastEditorUserId="75" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T00:29:41.217" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T17:36:21.090" Title="How do I deal with people being overly forward on the bus?" Tags="&lt;canada&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13932" CreationDate="2018-05-03T01:58:54.220" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As much as it is true that our parents would want us to stay happy and healthy, but we also cannot deny that they will feel lonely most of the time despite having their SO besides them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, we have our life to lead as we begin our new chapter. Keeping all those in mind, &lt;strong&gt;be truthful and explain your concerns to your mum&lt;/strong&gt; - in person (preferably) or otherwise through the phone call.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that you have a youngest sibling who is still staying at home. How's the relationship between your sibling and you? &lt;strong&gt;You might also want to share your circumstances with your youngest sibling and he/she will need to understand it.&lt;/strong&gt; Let him/her know that there will be a time when is his/her turn to leave the home, and imagine the same scenario on him (&lt;em&gt;that being said, do emphasize the importance of a family&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is that important? When physical contacts are being greatly reduced, there will be bound of some misunderstanding just arose from parents. There will be thoughts like, &quot;&lt;em&gt;oh, our children have changed so much that they don't care about us anymore&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, &quot;&lt;em&gt;if only our children were here now&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and so on. &lt;strong&gt;Your youngest sibling who is staying home will likely be the one noticing all those, and could help to try to explain on behalf of you all.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Despite all that, your mum probably might still find it hard to accept, and like you said, she probably will feel rejected. I think this is expected and reasonable, and I think it will takes time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So next would be of post-actions&lt;/strong&gt;. Mark and set reminders of your parents birthday or all other events. Always give a call and check out upon them. Leverage on the current technology, for example, having a Skype video call once a month or so (&lt;em&gt;depending on your preference&lt;/em&gt;). Don't forget about your youngest sibling as well, who also could be a reliable source of information on checking out your parents being. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, she is your mum. So maybe have some faith in her? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Just a gentle reminder) And I think most would have know, but as we are growing old, so does our parents. So be there for their side when they need us, for it might be too late when they are not around anymore.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastEditorUserId="15749" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T02:12:09.737" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T02:12:09.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13953" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13932" CreationDate="2018-05-03T02:07:18.780" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I understand correctly, you have not yet cut back on visits, and so you have not yet experienced conflict as a result. But your prior experience is supporting your expectation of a certain response, and conflict, when you bring this new behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will try to stick to your specific question, but I am not sure it is possible to &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; anything that will actually prevent hard feelings. Instead, you might have to be okay with those hard feelings happening, and then respond to them appropriately, in a way that helps your mom deal with them, and together actively resolve any conflict between you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But on another note, although it's okay to have a certain expectation, you might be surprised. Maybe your mom (and dad) will be relieved. Maybe they are worried that you and your siblings will be offended if they say they don't want to host so many gatherings (I know, doubtful, but still a good mental exercise in conflict).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most important, it is not unreasonable for you to want to make fewer trips, and so it is reasonable to be honest. If your mom expresses that she is upset, then you can respond by letting her know that you very much value your time with your parents and siblings, but that you have a lot more responsibilities now and need more time to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she seems upset by this, then kick into basic counseling mode: something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It seems like what I have told you has made you upset. Can we talk about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you say I am an ungrateful child it makes me feel pretty crappy and I wish you would understand that I love spending time with everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't shift the conversation and feelings, and the conflict continues, then you try identifying the two different goals you both have. You want more time to yourself, your mom wants all the usual gatherings. How can the two of you resolve that conflict of goals? Compromise is often the route to conflict resolution, so you should have an idea in advance of what you would be willing to do. Maybe this year you agree to the big holidays but not birthdays, or vice-versa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the key to working with any hurt feelings is to let your mom know you value her, your siblings, and the family, and that you will help her work through whatever impact your decision is having on her.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17407" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T13:14:16.740" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T13:14:16.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13954" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-03T02:40:01.910" Score="44" ViewCount="11361" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a large house shared with several other roommates. The landlord has been letting himself in, often without a clear reason. This is illegal where I live. Sometimes I do not see him myself, but he leaves notes for us or makes changes to the house (for example he left a note of what appears to be a cleaning schedule). This is problematic because he doesn't know what the roommates have agreed to ourselves, and I just got everyone on board with our own cleaning schedule. Also, as an extreme example, I'd rather not be in the middle of a shower when he shuts off the hot water to do renovations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I inform him that what he's doing is illegal, and provide him with a link to the requirements for entering the rental unit?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goals:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to escalate situations  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to give the impression I'm doing something bad that I'm trying to hide from him, but I do feel it's inappropriate what he's doing &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More information:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's technically a company instead of an individual landlord, but it's always the same guy and the company is small  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would like to move out but per my lease; I'm staying for at least a couple more months.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just spoke with an information officer regarding the applicable laws. I was partially mistaking. The landlord can let himself into common areas, such as the kitchen and laundry room, but needs a &lt;em&gt;valid reason&lt;/em&gt;. Valid reasons do not count as things like checking to see how many garbage bags we have or if we remembered to clean the sink. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just now some stranger entered the house. I asked who he was and he said 'the handy man'. I asked what he was doing and he said 'fixing the sink'. The sink was draining slowly but I didn't consider it a real problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I will write a message to the landlord saying it would be safer if we have warning who's coming into the house so that we don't let any random person in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-16T16:51:14.473" LastActivityDate="2018-12-16T16:51:14.473" Title="Asking landlord to stop letting himself in the house" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13956" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13954" CreationDate="2018-05-03T04:55:31.420" Score="68" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have had a similar problem in the past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your landlord is disregarding your privacy as well as your &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;rights&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; as a tenant. They know that what they are doing is illegal, and still, they do it. They may own the building, but when they lease it, they forego rights to occupy the space without your consent (barring extreme cases). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I feel &lt;em&gt;entitlement&lt;/em&gt; drives the landlord to enter the space. It's hard to deal with entitled people because they feel their actions are unshakably justified. If you want them to stop you're going to have to be prepared to take action and stand firm. Be warned, this may cause tension. However, if no one in your house is doing anything illegal, &lt;em&gt;the law is on your side&lt;/em&gt;, and your landlord knows it. There is absolutely no reason to beat around the bush here. You are being taken advantage of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My housemates and myself took the following steps to get our landlords to back off:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Learn your rights as a tenant&lt;/strong&gt; (state specific)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Document&lt;/em&gt; all instances of unannounced entry or visitation in the past. Include dates, times, who was home, and what the landlord did.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Clearly communicate to your landlord, verbally (so they get the point) and in writing (so you can bring it before a court if the situation escalates), that you will henceforth require the following: notice at least 24 hours ahead of time that they need to enter the residence; and an explanation as to why. Further state that if they do not receive consent from the members of the household (either collectively, or through a specific contact person who you designate), you will consider the entry as a violation of your tenants rights. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Follow through! If your landlord continues this behavior, you will easily be able to void your lease and find another place to live.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, your landlord is taking advantage of your passivity/ignorance, and will likely back off if they know that you're wise to what they're doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17163" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T10:43:42.897" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T10:43:42.897" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13854" CreationDate="2018-05-03T05:14:13.643" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The traditional way to find out if someone enjoyed a first date is to ask them out on a second date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never heard of the ultra conservative approach producing desired results, mostly I hear stories like &quot;I asked him for a second date and he was evasive so I backed off&quot; and &quot;the date must have gone well, she asked me out again for this weekend.&quot;. In short, my experience and that of most of my friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there some reason you are hesitant to do that? Fear of putting them on the spot? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastEditorUserId="547" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T06:25:42.250" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T06:25:42.250" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-03T06:15:57.210" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the answers to your delightfully interesting question revolve around the dialogue with your brother but I think there is profit in clarifying your internal position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever we deem the actions of another unacceptable, we have judged that person in large or small ways. That judgement eventually comes out in our language and hinders the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend either letting your notions of right and wrong go completely and let a gift be a gift. That will bring you the greatest freedom and clarity in talking with your brother or if that is not acceptable, address the issue head-on but stick to the specifics, asking him about what he thinks of his choice of purchases and refer to the plethora of advice above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17436" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T06:15:57.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13959" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13889" CreationDate="2018-05-03T06:23:54.047" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a number of things she could be intending by inviting a friend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She took your offer to &quot;hang out&quot; at face value and does not think you're hoping to date her. She's invited her friend because she thinks it would be even more fun with you &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; the friend.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She understands you want to date her. She does not want to date you, but does want to stay friends or just keep good relations at school. She's inviting her friend to demonstrate that its &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a date. There's a small possibility that she's trying to set you up with her friend instead.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She understands you want to date her, and she's open to it. She's inviting her friend because that feels safer or she wants her feedback. This has been explored in another answer.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what are your options?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're only interested in her romantically, and would not want to be friends otherwise, I'd just ask her on a date, using the word &quot;date&quot;. Something like a &quot;lunch date&quot; might have the best chance of success, because it's low risk for her. Then you'll quickly get an answer as to whether she's open to dating you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you genuinely want to hang out with her, dating optional, just accept that she wants her friend to come along. If it's not fun you don't have to repeat it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4613" LastEditorUserId="4613" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T07:12:10.827" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T07:12:10.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13954" CreationDate="2018-05-03T07:42:04.667" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mention that this guy isn't &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; the sole landlord. In this situation I recommend that you &quot;talk to the organ grinder, not the monkey&quot;; that is speak to the person that is really in charge, not just their representative. So if he just works for them then you need to find somebody higher. Speak to, or write to someone senior in the company and state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to advise you that [name or job title] has been entering our&#xA;  residence without any notice. I'm sure you know that this is contrary&#xA;  to [quote law / regulation]. Please can you ensure that this does not&#xA;  happen again. We are perfectly happy to comply with any reasonable&#xA;  requests for access for necessary maintenance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If sent as a letter you could sign it as yourself, or if you don't want to stand alone on this you could discuss with your housemates and consider all signing it together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advantage of writing a letter is that you can address it to the company if you don't know the name of the most senior person there. The company name and address should be on the top of any documents you have, such as your lease agreement, or any invoice/bill you have received from them. Such documents may even contain the name of a director or secretary. In some countries, companies are registered with either central or local government and director information is openly available - for example in the UK you can search the &lt;a href=&quot;https://beta.companieshouse.gov.uk/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Company House database&lt;/a&gt; to find the names and addresses of any registered company and the names of all directors. There may be something similar in your country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand the guy is as senior as anybody else in the company, you have a choice - you could speak to him directly and say something along the same lines. However, it seems unlikely to me that a letting company of any size would be unaware of the legal requirements, and likely this guy is acting alone on this. Even in this situation I would advise you write directly to the company so that &lt;em&gt;everybody&lt;/em&gt; concerned knows about the situation. Doing things &quot;officially&quot; has the greatest chance of going through the proper channels and being taken seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T10:27:46.300" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T10:27:46.300" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13949" CreationDate="2018-05-03T07:43:02.243" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems you are running into a person here who loves to have power over women. A despicable person. How to handle it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to show them that they have no power over you. Lying that you need to leave the bus doesn't help, they obviously see you are not leaving, so that gives them power. They are likely stronger, but cannot use force in a bus full of people. So you can just ask them &lt;em&gt;very loudly&lt;/em&gt; so that everyone in the bus hears it to leave you alone. What will help is taking a few photos of the person, so they know they can be found if they try anything nasty. Hitting them with your handbag or umbrella will help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Usually you want to be nice and not offend people - this is exactly the opposite. You want to get rid of the person. )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T07:49:53.820" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T07:49:53.820" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13963" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13986" CreationDate="2018-05-03T08:00:15.617" Score="29" ViewCount="25609" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who I met in college (we're both 19 year old males) and we attended the same classes together. Throughout the semesters he was a little &quot;touchy-feely&quot; (e.g. putting his arm around my shoulders in the bro-like fashion more than a normal friend would) towards me. I am sure that he is not gay and he does not have any interest in being anything more than a &quot;bro&quot; to me, thus the most likely reason that I attribute his actions to is that &lt;em&gt;he just has the mentality of a 12 year old and thinks that doing these actions are perfectly normal&lt;/em&gt;. (This is just what I tell myself in order to &quot;accept&quot; the fact that I'm being touched by him, however I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable as the days go by, hence this question)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After we graduated from college, we meet up lesser. However, I am still uncomfortable with him being &quot;touchy-feely&quot; with me when we hang out at the mall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question: How do I tell him that I am uncomfortable when he &quot;touches&quot; me without offending him or making our friendship awkward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Additional Notes&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are both straight males.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have a girlfriend, he is single.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He does not touch me in a way that suggests he wants to make advances with  me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastEditorUserId="16292" LastEditDate="2018-05-05T15:20:30.867" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T09:06:31.003" Title="How to stop a friend from being &quot;touchy-feely&quot; towards me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;singapore&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13964" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13963" CreationDate="2018-05-03T08:21:59.317" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my friends used to behave like this. Even a good friend may take offence if you immediately call him out on it and complain. That said, the longer you go without bringing it to his attention, the longer he will assume you have no problems with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he for instance puts his arm around your shoulders, simply push his arm away firmly without flinching or looking offended. If he tries it again soon after, this is when you could explicitly say you're not comfortable with it. Sexuality or relationship status shouldn't factor in, so long as he knows it's just an establishment of boundaries and that it's nobody's fault, he should eventually learn to stop. In such a case, it may help to emphasise that you would be like this with everyone (with the possible exception of your girlfriend).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T08:21:59.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13874" CreationDate="2018-05-03T08:25:51.260" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, the feeling you have is &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;anxiety&lt;/a&gt;. This isn't a normal emotion to experience around a tutor so don't just dismiss your concerns about him as you overreacting. It's a valid problem and should be resolved. I think there are 2 possible ways to tackle this problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first (which I highly recommend) is to talk with your parents about his inappropriate behaviour as a tutor. From what you describe they have plenty of reasons to &amp;quot;fire&amp;quot; him and search for a better tutor for you. Stacey already described this nicely in her answer so I'm not going to repeat it here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other approach is to just stick with your current tutor but block off any possible interaction about your personal life. Preferably while at the same time reminding him of his position as a teacher. You can use phrases like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd rather not discuss my personal life with my teacher, so can we continue with the lesson instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How is this relevant to the exams?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't think &amp;lt; weed/alcohol/... &amp;gt; is going to help me pass my exams so can we go back to actually teaching me please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this will only solve your anxiety issues if you're confident enough about yourself to stick with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have some doubt about this I would again advise you to talk to your parents about you being anxious around your tutor. You can suggest that you want to give this second approach a chance but that you might not be able to stick with it. They might come up with different solutions to alleviate the pressure. For example having the tutoring take place in the kitchen where they'll be casually walking in every once in a while to take something from the fridge while inderectly check up on you without directly disturbing the lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T08:25:51.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13889" CreationDate="2018-05-03T08:56:14.990" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel I'm arriving after the battle here, but I'd still want to bring my two cents on this topic, considering I had a friend on a very similar situation. Each time he suggested they'd hang out together, the girl would bring a friend of hers to the meeting, who'd prevent the both of them to get close to each other. It turns out the two girls were interested with each other so after a month they ended up together……&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course I'm not saying this is what's in play here, however we are missing a part of the equation. Although I agree her bringing a friend is a signal, there are several interpretations to what's behind the curtains. She may be inviting her to feel safe, sure, but there may be other reasons. Maybe she just wants to have more fun by hanging out with another friend. Maybe she's trying to set you up with that other girl. Or an entirely different reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which leads me to agree with @Flater that you should ask her on a date, in case your intentions weren't completely clear at this point. If she turns you down, you need to decide whether still seeing her regularly as a friend is alright with you. Not to give you false hopes, but a &quot;no&quot; today doesn't have to be a &quot;no&quot; tomorrow, so this is something you may need to address by having a talk with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8904" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T08:56:14.990" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-03T09:09:34.577" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Very often here on IPS we try to suggest the &lt;em&gt;softest&lt;/em&gt; approach to conveying a message - the method that isn't going to put somebody on the defensive or damage a relationship. Those aims are still important to you here, but to convey seriousness as you have asked it isn't a &lt;em&gt;soft&lt;/em&gt; approach that you need. You need to be &lt;em&gt;tough&lt;/em&gt; but at the same time show your genuine concern for your brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you say to him shouldn't dictate how he lives his life or specifically what he does with his money. However it is perfectly reasonable to be involved in what he wants to do with &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; money, so you should limit your enquiries to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm trying to avoid giving financial advice because that isn't what this question is all about, but it might help your case &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; potentially communicate to your brother that he isn't being smart with his money &lt;em&gt;if you had a clear financial plan for yourself&lt;/em&gt;. Let's say for example that you were buying a property. You may have the money that he is asking for, but it is already put aside for a specific purpose. He probably wouldn't react well if you told him that &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; should be thinking about buying a property instead of wasting his money, but if he sees that you are managing to do so because you manage your money better than he does, this might just give him the jolt he needs. I'm not saying you need to buy a property! This is just an example - but if you can already see that he isn't managing his money well and isn't planning for the future then perhaps there is a similar way you can &quot;lead by example&quot;. You're going to have a hard time helping him manage his money better if you don't have a clear plan of your own, because you can neither tell him a better way or show him one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, assuming you have put some thought into what you want to do with your own money, when he asks you for the loan you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can loan you the money you're asking for right now. But I am&#xA;  concerned because I may not be able to loan you any more in the&#xA;  future. You see I'm [&lt;em&gt;buying a house / buying a car / taking out a&#xA;  pension / saving to get married / whatever!&lt;/em&gt;] so my money is going to&#xA;  be spoken for. We've always helped each other out in the past and I&#xA;  want to help you now - but as this may be the last time I can help,&#xA;  please let me help you manage the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is a firm but fair approach that has a good chance of appealing to him to readdress his own attitude to money. You aren't telling him that he's been stupid with his money, you're not refusing to help him, and indirectly you are showing him a better way - when he sees that his younger sibling is able to budget for something worthwhile it should hopefully make him realise he ought be able to achieve the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Agree what help he needs to become financially independent again (car repair, paying off debt, whatever).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Agree the most cost-effective way to meet those requirements.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell&lt;/strong&gt; him the limit you can loan (if what he is asking for exceeds your limit). Don't just give him $1000 if he doesn't need it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell&lt;/strong&gt; him that you will pay those bills directly, if possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only give him cash to spend as he pleases if he needs money for day to day essentials like food. Wherever possible just pay the expense for him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With regards to his bad spending habits I will just pass on some very general financial advice that may really help during your discussion. Get him to examine all of his outgoings - any monthly or weekly costs - and make a budget. When someone sees how much they are spending needlessly it can be a shock. For example $2 on a coffee every morning on the way to work adds up to over $500 a year, which is half of what you are loaning him. Saving money is better than earning it because when you think about it you'd have to earn something like $750 and then pay tax to have $500 in your hand; whereas when you &lt;em&gt;save&lt;/em&gt; yourself $500 you get to keep every bit of it because you've already paid tax! Simple reasoning like this can really change the way a person views money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T09:15:25.217" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T09:15:25.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13971" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13976" CreationDate="2018-05-03T10:11:14.443" Score="47" ViewCount="22957" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the past two years, I've been playing the tabletop roleplaying game Dungeons and Dragons with a single group of 5 friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Up till now, we have played as the same characters, which grow as part of the story the designated &quot;Dungeon Master&quot; develops. This has included backstories that have been created in profundity and a lot of story tie-ins that have been developed by this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have recently been feeling like it's time to move on from my current character, for various reasons that are not the fault of our Dungeon Master. With this, I would then be creating a new character to play and continuing to play with this group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is, the Dungeon Master has spent countless weekends through the last two years creating the fictional universe we play in, including an interesting plot that continues to involve each of our characters. As such, asking to have my character die/leave may cause a significant amount of effort for them to be lost, and a significant amount of work to be required to bring a new character into the story suddenly. This obviously will be frustrating and potentially hurtful to the Dungeon Master.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I approach the Dungeon Master about removing my character from the game, and creating a new character, while showing them I appreciate the amount of effort they have gone through?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For non-DnD players, to clarify the work involved for the Dungeon Master: Removing my current character from the story means that any items or plot hooks that are planned are now effectively wasted or need at least some effort to make useful again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although the creation of my new character's backstory would be my responsibility. It will still involve input from the Dungeon Master to ensure what I have created is viable within their fictional world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Importantly, the main work involved for the Dungeon Master is the creation of non-playable characters and story arcs, which I am not able to help create - as the underlying story must remain secret to the players, as we discover and interact with it. As such, a new character means the Dungeon Master must now think of ways to make the world interesting to this new character and involve their backstory in the current world politics (again, without my involvement).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10883" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T04:33:21.823" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T14:59:22.250" Title="How to kill off my DnD character, without upsetting the Dungeon Master who has invested time into creating his backstory?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;games&gt;&lt;respect&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13972" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13963" CreationDate="2018-05-03T10:29:46.413" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a normal development in your relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As we mature our boundaries become more assertive and we leave behind&#xA;our more immature rough and tumble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also a time of many insecurities and wanting reassurance from &#xA;our current support network.  So your friend is probably expressing&#xA;his need for support and feeling more insecure how things are developing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expressing your irritation at certain ways of showing interaction in&#xA;public can be shown, simply demonstrating things are now changing.&#xA;It is best this is shown subtly, as irritation, ie stepping away,&#xA;getting up, making things a little more distant when you need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether they can grow with you, or stay in their more child like&#xA;behaviour is going to be their battle.  You though need to be assertive&#xA;and respond to what is happening in your life and how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a best friend who could not cope with me having a girl friend,&#xA;and it became a simple issue of where my loyalties lay.&#xA;It was their insecurities in needing fixed reference points that they&#xA;needed to not change, which they tried to impose on others.  This was&#xA;always going to fail, because life is always a flow of change, nothing&#xA;is truly static.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T10:29:46.413" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-03T10:46:35.147" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know you say the other players are your friends in &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; life, but let's be frank here - the role of &quot;Dungeon Master&quot; is just as fictitious as the character you want to kill off. You might as well be asking how to kill an Orc without offending an Elf. Let's try and separate &lt;em&gt;your real-life friend&lt;/em&gt; from the &lt;em&gt;Dungeon Master&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Within the context of the game...&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The Dungeon Master makes decisions that affect the other players. He can allow characters to die if he chooses, so really what should it matter to him if you choose your character to die? Other characters and elements of the story will have taken just as much time to create and many of these will be quickly disposed of for the sake of the story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In real life...&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, your friend who takes on the role of Dungeon Master in your game has put some time into your character and the game, but DM is the role he has chosen and so you have the right to choose yours. He must enjoy being DM otherwise he wouldn't spend as much time on it as he does. Also the time spent will be on all the characters and story as a whole, not just your character, so you may be over-egging his response to your decision. He should understand that is is &quot;just a game&quot; (to be clear, I am not disrespecting D&amp;amp;D - all leisure activities should be viewed in perspective).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think he needs convincing of your decision then my advice would be don't be negative about it. Instead, &lt;strong&gt;present your decision to him as something that will be an exciting twist for the game&lt;/strong&gt;. It isn't like you are refusing to play, you just want to play with a different character. He should be able to separate his in-game role from his &lt;em&gt;real-life role as your friend&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;EDIT&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some comments have suggested that I don't understand D&amp;amp;D, or appreciate how much time the DM spends preparing the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I don't play D&amp;amp;D, I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have some appreciation for what it is, and what is involved (I played &lt;em&gt;MERP&lt;/em&gt; and also multiplayer &lt;em&gt;Fighting Fantasy&lt;/em&gt; games when I was at school 30 years ago). But the reason I answered is because I believe that the interpersonal skill required is applied &lt;em&gt;outside&lt;/em&gt; of the game and therefore it is very important to separate the game from reality. If the DM cannot separate the two, that isn't the OP's problem. The OP has to see this objectively even if the other party doesn't, and that is true of any interpersonal solution on this site.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really believe that the DM has a right to be indignant because the OP's character has died, ask yourself this - would he have a right to feel angry at his wasted time &lt;em&gt;if the OP died in real life??&lt;/em&gt; If the answer is no, of course not, that's ridiculous, then you have to accept that this interpersonal problem is not specific to D&amp;amp;D at all - it is about appealing to someone who may take a leisure activity too seriously and react badly in real life to an in-game decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T14:15:30.270" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T14:15:30.270" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13976" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-03T11:17:01.217" Score="82" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would approach this not as a &quot;waste of effort&quot; but as an &quot;opportunity for new things&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your dungeon master has been enjoying writing an interactive story for you guys for 2 years already which by no means is lost effort. You guys have been immersed into his story and been enjoying it so much that even though you're tired of your current character you actually want to keep playing with a different one in the same story he created. I'd say this is a huge compliment to his abilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So start by making it clear to him that you love the immersion so far and would love to keep playing, but that your current character doesn't really fit your preferred style (or whatever reason you have for wanting to kill it off).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then depending on how he reacts to this you can suggest you want to work with him (as far as possible since you can't know the story he's going to tell) on how to handle switching your character to something different. Alternatively he might have been waiting for a way to introduce new things into the story but didn't know how until you provided this excellent opportunity to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you show how much you loved his work up to now and don't expect impossible things of him (like making the switch in a couple of days) I don't think you have much to worry about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T14:58:37.813" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T14:58:37.813" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13899" CreationDate="2018-05-03T11:32:47.220" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Money does not work that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you gift him money, then it is his to spend. There is no good way to change that. Sure, you can sit down, make written contracts etc. etc., and when the mood strikes him he can &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; spend it on a car. Stepping around these issues just brings tension, and eventually hurts everybody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My policy on lending money, both with friends, larger family, and even my own children, is this: I gift money. I deny money. But I will not lend money, ever. Period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He recently lost his primary source of income and although there is no worry about his residency or physical health and wellbeing, the extra money for things like car maintenance, job searching, bills, general quality of life costs and the ability to buy things that will help in the long term would clearly be a massive help to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, that would &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; be a massive help to him. You said there is no risk that he is losing the roof above his head, or that he gets ill without being able to go to a doctor. That's done for, then. All you will do by lending him money is to delay the inevitable. He will have a nice cushion, he may feel little pressure to find a new job, and will most definitely spend the money on optional things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'd suggest this approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Decide how much money you can give him without it hurting you; under the premise that you have no idea what he does with it, and that you will &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; get it back. Give him the money. Make it utmost clear that it is a &lt;em&gt;gift&lt;/em&gt;, not a loan. Do not by any means put any boundaries around what he can do with the money. Wish him good luck with it, and make sure he knows that he can do as he pleases.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When he asks for money next time, ... &lt;em&gt;repeat&lt;/em&gt; the decision process. Your own situation may have changed. His may have changed. Your mood may have changed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember from the beginning of the answer, that there are only two things that can happen: either you give him money. Or you do not give him money. This means, each time he asks, you decide anew if and how much you want to give (gift! not lend). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has no power over you. He cannot argue &quot;you can give me more because I will return it next month&quot;. He cannot argue &quot;you have to give it to me because I will die otherwise&quot; (if he really needs anything that is of life-and-death importance, e.g. a hospital visit, you might chose to buy it for him; in this case do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; give him the money, but the item).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My experience with this approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People with decency will stop asking for money. Asking for a gift is much more severe than asking for a loan.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People without decency may keep asking, but as you have clear thoughts about all of this, at some point your internal resolution will switch to &quot;enough is enough&quot; and that's it. Because you can, on the one hand, give freely, the decision to not give anymore is also much easier for you (it is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; decision alone, there is nothing to discuss with the receiver).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It helps to be very transparent about this. The interpersonal part of the answer is to explain to him what you will do, in the future (i.e., that your money is a gift, that he can do with it what he wants, that you are done with the childish games, and that you may change your opinion anytime). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck to you and your brother!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T12:42:16.450" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T12:42:16.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13889" CreationDate="2018-05-03T11:41:34.180" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm way past dating and any of that, but at the time if a girl invited her friends along to anything, it also meant you accept her AND her friends. Even if things were to get serious, if her friends didn't like you / get on with you, and her friends are important to her (which they appear to be) then it likely wouldn't go anywhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you've been hanging around like this for awhile (I'd say 3-6 months but it varies) and she's still inviting her friends along, then she's simply not interested in time with just you and you can't change that fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="387" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T11:41:34.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13980" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13836" CreationDate="2018-05-03T11:45:08.383" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm reorganizing my address book and I'm double checking the addresses of all of my contacts. Is your address still XXX?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, it seems like something trivial that doesn't put the focus on them. This might also be an opportunity to actually do that and also contact other people that you're not sure of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2839" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T11:45:08.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13983" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13949" CreationDate="2018-05-03T12:11:31.533" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do realize that there is only so much you can do to send clear signals to the other party. At this point, I think you have been very clear already and the issue lays not with the communication, but rather with the other person being not a very functional piece of society. They don't see the situation in the same light as you, and as there is little to no chance of anything bad/ negative happening for them, they see it only as a 'little fun' probably. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly, their behaviour is not okay, and you should not be okay with it. However, if all they do is talk, then what you should do is simply ignore them. When they initiate conversation and start to flirt with you (rather than have a normal friendly talk about the weather) shut them down swiftly and direct. Something like 'I am married and have no need for any form of flirtation, thank you.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do it loud enough that nearby people can notice. Then ignore the man. Even if they keep talking, whatever they say. No matter how much it stings or annoys you, ignore them. They will look like the fool. Put on headphones if it helps, focus on your book or phone and ignore them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they start to do more than just talking, eg should they start touching you. Slap their hand away and yell at them to stop that immediately. If they do it again, get up and leave. If they try to stop you... well. This is not going to be the best advice, but my mother is a tough woman. She would either knee him or punch/ kick him in the sack. I share this sentiment. But this might get you in trouble though. You could try to ask others for help, but I have noticed that often other people will rather watch and expect somebody else to stand up and help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, if you ignore them, most will get tired of playing their 'game' and stop or focus on somebody else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T12:11:31.533" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13874" CreationDate="2018-05-03T12:18:41.717" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But throughout the class I was somehow unable to concentrate because of this feeling in my chest.&#xA;  Once he left, I realised my chest and back were terribly aching. Turns out, I had been clenching my chest and back muscles for those three hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Amus talks about anxiety, I will bounce on that. What you felt was &lt;a href=&quot;http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amygdala&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;amygdala triggering&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a part of your brain that's very old (it is present in many animals also), its purpose is basically to keep you alive by performing fast pattern-matching on incoming stimuli and hijacking your conscious thought in order to make you do whatever it is you need to do in order to survive. For example, if your eyes see a snake poised to strike, you will jump back and maybe even start to run before you consciously realize there is actually a snake. It works like that because conscious thought is too slow to react to predators and immediate threats. It is much safer to jump back first, and then think about taking the time to identify if the species is venomous or not...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some say &quot;the amygdala is the fear center&quot; but it would be more accurate to say that it detects things that needs immediate attention, and either makes you move your muscles directly by triggering a panic reflex (&quot;get away from snake&quot; subroutine), or it focuses all your attention on what is needed by eliciting anxiety, fear, or sensations of dread, like &quot;something's terribly wrong&quot;, or &quot;I need to get out of here&quot;, etc, which will cause you to act. So, it's more like your sixth sense hardware.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, your muscles tensed because your amygdala decided that something was  wrong, but the threat wasn't obvious (ie, no snake in front of you), so you didn't jump, rather you got a feeling of dread, and  your body got ready to either fight or run from a dangerous situation, thus increased heart rate, adrenalin, etc. You can't stay in this state for long, it is extremely stressful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know how to describe what I was feeling, but it wasn't fear or anything. In fact, he looks like a really nice guy too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm gonna bet on a rather vague feeling with a bit of dread and &quot;there's something wrong, I don't know exactly why, but it might be important&quot;. It's very hard to describe, so feel free to elaborate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be a false positive. In fact, from an evolutionary perspective, to a certain extent it is much safer to have a low threat detection threshold and run away from imaginary threats than it is to not be scared, and then get eaten by a predator. However, there is a compromise between &quot;fearless&quot; and &quot;overly anxious&quot;. For example, people with anxiety/&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3598964/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;panic attacks&lt;/a&gt;/PTSD have oversentitive amygdala that mislabel normal everyday events as immediate threats, and this is a very difficult condition to live with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway. The reason I'm going on this evopsych and neuroscience ramble is simply to attract your attention to the the fact that this weird feeling comes from somewhere (evolutionary programming), and for a reason (it's there to help you), so you must consider it, and find the cause. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO, I'd point to: &lt;strong&gt;there is a conflict in the tutor's behavior.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On the one hand, he is totally unprofessional and inappropriate, and does not notice your distress. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On the other hand, you say &quot;He actually does his job pretty well&quot; and &quot;he looks like a really nice guy too&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What your instinct is telling you is that you need to figure out if this is a good guy or if you're in trouble. That's what you're describing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But throughout the class I was somehow unable to concentrate because of this feeling in my chest. I was thinking more about the things he was saying than what I was studying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to answer your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I do to make myself more comfortable around people like this, and is this a cause for concern?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should investigate and find out if it was a false positive (ie, your worries are not justified) or if the guy is actually toxic. I have no way to know. This might be nothing at all, for example the guy could be attempting in a misguided way to sound &quot;cool&quot; and talk about sex and drugs and rock'n'roll and everything. You could be worried that your parents overhear you and the tutor talking about drugs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or he might be an abuser or a pedophile or a narcissist or any other kind of trash you don't want anywhere near you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you ask &quot;how to make yourself more comfortable around such people&quot;, well if you don't suffer from excessive anxiety (ie, your amygdala is functioning properly) the correct answer is to not get comfortable, or at least not completely, and instead be on the lookout for clues that this guy might be trouble. This is very useful practice, because one day you will meet someone who is actually trouble, and you will be able to spot them and avoid them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can record the lesson, and listen to it afterwards. If the tutor adamantly refuses to have you record the lesson, this is a clue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have doubts, talk to your parents. Since YOU are the one taking the class, and not your parents, you're the most qualified to decide if the tutor is adequate or not...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T12:18:41.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-03T12:50:49.700" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not a waste. The time they spent on including the character in their world was not a waste. Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You had a good time playing them so far (I assume). This character is a part of that world's history and always will be. If they die, their death will become part of the history as well. It is likely they have been a hero and that there are people who will always remember them for that. It is likely that they do have friends and they have already unchangeably influenced their life. Those friends will always remember fond memories of them. (And that one time, where they stood in front of that wall which clearly had a hidden door they could have used to rescue everybody else, but they missed the roll and did not find it and then they went through that dungeon for another hour with the whole rest of the group sitting in a trap and waiting... but let's forget about that for now.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A new character will not erase the old one from that game (actively yes, but passively their influence will still be there). A new character also does not increase the DMs work too much. Characters change all the time, it is a constant adaptation to the events. And this constant adaptation, this thrill of introducing new things and modifying old and building and building the world and its history is something many DMs love (as far as the ones I met). The effort the DM would have put into your old character further on they can now put into the new one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But most importantly again: Their previous effort is not lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So talk to your DM with all the good times in mind that your character had. And this annoying habit, as well. Won't they be glad to be rid of dealing with that? Won't they be glad to be able to try out new stuff, get a little fresh air into the whole thing? It is nice to have an established group of adventurers, but sometimes one of them dies or retires and they welcome a newcomer with all those unrealistic ambitions those green ones have and take them under their wings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing I would try to avoid is to start a discussion about how maybe everyone else also got bored with their old characters. In that case, make a deal. Let them experience adventuring with their new companion and then maybe if the whole &quot;new friend thing&quot; is not exciting enough for some, they might also change their characters fate. Just not all of them, not all at once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3381" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T12:50:49.700" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13986" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13963" CreationDate="2018-05-03T13:19:05.593" Score="74" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been the friend in this situation before. It almost ruined a great friendship because my friend did not tell me how much it bothered him. He just shrugged it off for years until finally one day he flipped out on me. Even then he didn't say what it was about. It wasn't until weeks later that we talked again that he finally told me he felt his physical boundaries were being violated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like to think that if he had said something like this, I would have stopped bothering him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Forklift, you're a great friend, but honestly, I wish you wouldn't touch me so much. I really value our friendship but all of that physical contact makes me uncomfortable enough to not want to hang out sometimes.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T13:19:05.593" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-03T14:00:54.710" Score="53" Body="&lt;p&gt;Then don't kill the character. Just have them &quot;retire&quot;. The character buys a farm/tavern/smithy and settles down. Or perhaps the character goes off on a vision quest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The nice thing about this is that if the DM &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; is attached to the character, its still available for the DM to use as an NPC, if the DM can think of a good story reason to have that happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point here is that you aren't taking the DM's creation away, but rather are rendering it back into the DM's care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="5047" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T16:09:06.100" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T16:09:06.100" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13988" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-03T14:27:27.107" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know that this doesn't answer exactly you question, but I have to propose it: maybe you shouldn't kill your character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to think that all work made by the DM is a voluntary work that he makes in benefit of all the group, more than for his own benefit. Because of this, I think that players should value his work A LOT, and don't make him spending even more of his precious free time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't tell the reasons that makes you wanting to change your character, so I can't say if they are enough important reasons to force the DM to make the extra effort or not, but in general, I think that all this must be carefully considered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can comment your desire with the DM, but asking him if this would imply a lot of work for him, and telling that you are willing to continue with your current character if it does. You can explain him why you want to kill your character, and if the amount of work for him is not very high, he will be sensitive and let you doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you also can ask him if it would be better to kill your character in the future, in a moment when the story is not yet prepared (supposing it's not finished yet). This way, he can continue the story taking into account that you are going to kill your character and without adding extra work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you and him together can find another solution that satisfy you and is not a big charge for the DM.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17198" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T14:27:27.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13989" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="13992" CreationDate="2018-05-03T14:31:00.037" Score="26" ViewCount="13037" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many times I'll be talking to someone and they'll yawn or cough (or something similar), then say &quot;excuse me&quot;, or &quot;sorry&quot;. I have no idea what type of response to give to this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they'd sneezed, then that's no problem; I'd just say &quot;bless you&quot;, and life goes on. However, as far as I know, there's no standard response to these other minor interruptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried saying something like &quot;don't worry about it&quot; or &quot;no problem&quot;, but these feel like weird responses. The other person obviously isn't actually worried, they're just trying to acknowledge what some people think is a minor conversational faux pas. I've also just not responded, but that doesn't feel quite right either, because I haven't explained to the person that I literally do not care at all that they've coughed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there some standard response for when someone acknowledges a minor interruption like this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in America, if it helps. Also, in my perfect world, they wouldn't even acknowledge they've done anything, but I'm making the assumption that pushing that behavior onto someone else is both difficult and not the right objective here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T15:16:38.467" LastActivityDate="2018-10-07T08:36:01.410" Title="How do I respond to someone apologizing for coughing/yawning?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-03T14:40:08.797" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;We had a similar (but not as quite time-expensive) situation, where one player noticed after a few sessions that his character isn`t matching his play style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: this only works for you, if you don´t have radical differences between old and new character (like race or gender).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What we did: we intruduced a plausible time gap, where the characters would go on journey to find themselves, maybe settle down, change their names or earn other titles, marry, train etc to come back changed. Maybe he had Amnesia and started anew. Whatever your fantasy can come up with to justify the desired change.&#xA;Its the same character, with his backstory still valid, which he chose to leave behind (or at least tries to).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It´s a new wrapping while leaving the old scaffold intact&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17451" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T14:40:08.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13989" CreationDate="2018-05-03T14:43:08.587" Score="87" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's probably best not to say anything. Unless there is something remarkable about the involuntary response, there really isn't a reason to reply to their reflexive remarks after it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of it this way: There wasn't any indicator that their cough or yawn was relevant to the conversation at hand. In this case the remarks of &quot;sorry&quot; or &quot;excuse me&quot; aren't requests. Their apology is more of an indicator that the conversation should continue, as if uninterrupted, rather than the start of an additional thread of conversation. By remarking on it further you are ignoring their signaling and bringing focus to something outside their control. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T14:49:53.583" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T14:49:53.583" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-03T14:56:15.760" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't forget, the primary purpose of tabletop RPG's is for everyone at the table to have fun. This includes the DM as well as the players. As a DM, if one of my players is not having fun, then I'm not doing my job properly, and I want feedback as to why. Here is what I would suggest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Figure out why your character isn't right any more&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What has changed? Obviously the character was fun to begin with, so what changed? Are you unhappy with the way the story is developing? Is your character not going in the direction you pictured? What aren't you happy with? Knowing this going into any conversation will help, rather than the DM asking what's wrong, and getting &quot;I dunno, it's just not...right&quot; as an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Just ask for a meeting outside the normal game time&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could be a facebook chat, meet for coffee, phone call, whatever. Just let the DM know that you want to talk outside of the game setting about the direction the campaign/character development is going. Be prepared to outline how you are feeling, and what you feel the reasons are. It might be a little uncomfortable, but know that they probably want it to work out as much as you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Explore options&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you necessarily need to kill off your character? Do you want to play another class? Race? Gender? Depending on what you are feeling, it might be feasible to shift your characters focus rather than kill them off. People do change. Or, if you really feel a new character is the way to go, maybe your current character develops a short arc that makes it necessary to leave the group, rather than die. That opens the door for NPC encounters with them later, or for the character to come back to the group after a while. There are a lot of ways to game it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Talk to the group&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have kind of an idea of where you want to go, let the gaming group know that you need 5-10 minutes at the beginning of the next game, and talk about what you are feeling. They might have other options you haven't considered, and this is kind of a major shift in the game that will impact their characters and their play as well. If you are playing the games only tank, and choose to be a different type of class, that has a major impact on the party and how they play. Their characters may have plot hooks with your character, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;RPG is all about communication&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both in game, and out of game, RPG play is all about communication. For a big shift like this, it is something that needs to be talked about with the DM and the party, to accommodate it. It's not difficult, but it can be awkward, and unless it actually is something specific with certain characters/individuals, stress that it is just how you are feeling. It may also open up a different story arc that everyone else will enjoy as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T14:56:15.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13994" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-03T15:16:30.573" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;How do you think the DM would react if you proposed the loss of your character as a surprise element for the other players?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like the story being developed is really interesting to all of the players, so the death of a character could be a great plot twist to throw in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Hmmm...how much more fun could it be if your &quot;old&quot; character got killed by your &quot;new&quot; character? :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17453" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T15:16:30.573" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13995" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14002" CreationDate="2018-05-03T15:55:13.403" Score="4" ViewCount="225" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a Ph.D. candidate in the USA, and almost every three/four months, I go to different conferences. I have found it really hard sometimes to start, and more importantly, to KEEP conversations with people, especially those that I know from before: because I know who they are and what they do and where they live and what is the focus of their research and so on!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, the people that I am talking about, they are in higher positions than me; like they are not students. I know how to start and keep conversations with students; e.g. how is your research going, when will you finish, what are you going to do after you finish, etc, but they are either professors or post-docs or run huge R&amp;amp;D incorporations and so on. Also no need to mention that they are older than me! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not know if this is due to lack of confidence or the fact that English is not my first language, but whatever the reason is, it does not let me communicate with people efficiently and makes me nervous whenever I see those people and I am like what am I gonna do, what do I say, and that eventually results in awkward moments like long moments of silence or saying something completely nonsense! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what are your suggestions? What should I do? What are some good questions to ask that can lead to keep good conversations? Like with people that I know from before, all I can say is “hi, how are you, how is everything, when did you get here, how was your flight”. And that's it!! You know I cannot tell them how is your company doing these days or when are you planing to retire and what are you going to do after that!! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17456" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T16:02:40.237" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T17:22:14.450" Title="How to start/keep conversations in professional conferences?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-16T10:29:49.170" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13949" CreationDate="2018-05-03T16:30:22.137" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;The thing is, the type of people who ignore clear signals are not interested in playing by the rules. It's a power move: they're leveraging your uncomfortableness and reluctance to cause conflict in order to get what they want. Remaining polite and quietly ignoring them doesn't work because it signals to them, &quot;You won't suffer any consequences because I would rather not cause a fuss.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I absolutely don't mean this as victim-blaming - I too am very conflict-averse and like to think that everyone will follow the rules of polite society. Most of the time they do. But some people take advantage of that, like these men on the bus, and it's an important skill to recognize when the usual tactics don't apply.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving short answers, ignoring them, and trying to leave are all good tactics. But if they fail, it's time to take it up a notch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Raise your voice and repeat yourself.&lt;/strong&gt; Tell him &lt;em&gt;loudly&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;firmly&lt;/em&gt; to leave you alone, and say it again every time he tries. Make it a public embarrassment for him to act that way - as it should be!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make eye contact with other passengers.&lt;/strong&gt; They are probably all on your side but are trying to pretend it isn't happening so they don't have to do anything about it. Eye contact makes it harder for them to ignore the situation, which raises the possibility of someone intervening on your behalf.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't be afraid to ask for help!&lt;/strong&gt; If there's a male passenger nearby, consider asking them to swap seats with you. (I'm specifying male because I assume your harasser would not start targeting them instead, use your judgment here.) Getting other people on your side shows the harasser that his behavior is not OK and there &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; be social consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take a photo.&lt;/strong&gt; Be obvious about it. You can even tell him that you're taking it to send to the authorities or your husband or lawyer, or whatever. This will almost certainly make him uncomfortable, and may intimidate him into leaving you alone once he realizes that he could face consequences to his behavior. (IANAL, but based on my searches &lt;a href=&quot;https://globalnews.ca/news/1927766/exploring-your-rights-when-strangers-take-your-picture-in-public/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this is legal in Canada&lt;/a&gt;.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also some &quot;off-the-wall&quot; options that I've heard other women successfully use to make themselves appear less desirable.. probably not what you're looking for and I think take a certain personality to pull off, but maybe they'll be inspiring ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Engaging in conversation and pretending to be crazy, like being &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; enthusiastic about their inappropriate propositions (&quot;OMG a man is interested in me, I gotta call my mom, what shall we name our children?!&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Telling the harasser they have some horrible, contagious disease&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Straight up screeching or bursting into tears - something so unexpected and uncomfortable to witness that the harasser didn't know how to respond and left them alone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worst-case: if you feel unsafe, do not hesitate to notify the driver! You could also consider actually getting off the bus at the next stop and just waiting for the next one, for the ones that don't let you out of the seat. I'm not sure how practical that would be, but the delay could be worth it if you feel that uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T16:30:22.137" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-03T16:38:32.183" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If it will disrupt the story too much, don't kill off your character.&lt;/strong&gt; You can transition him to an NPC under the DM's control while introducing your new character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk to your DM as soon as possible.&lt;/strong&gt; This will allow the DM to retain plot hooks as he sees fit, especially if your existing party feels a bond with this character such that they will help him out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The character can become less relevant to the group over time before deciding to part ways, or he can be pulled away suddenly by outside forces. The DM can decide whether a gradual or sudden approach is better once he knows what direction you want to try with a new character. &lt;strong&gt;Plan on giving the DM some time to develop your new character and make plans for the old character.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It already sounds like you're being considerate of the DM and the other players from the start, so that's a good indicator for this situation resolving well. &lt;strong&gt;If the DM wants everyone to have fun (like any good DM does), this will feel more like a cooperative problem-solving effort than a conflict.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16074" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T16:38:32.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="13999" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14005" CreationDate="2018-05-03T16:45:34.567" Score="2" ViewCount="693" Body="&lt;p&gt;When making last minute plans with my SO or friend(s) we can't choose on what to do. We all have our own preferences and discuss the advantages and disadvantages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a bit hard of natures and sometimes it seems like I do not want to do the one thing while this is not the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: I was talking to my SO about whether I was going to her house or whether she was coming to me. It is a two-hour journey and she had to be near me the next day. It seemed better to meet at my place to save unnecessary back and forth travel, but she wanted to meet at her place because it has been a while I was there. After having mentioned the disadvantages to go to her (I had to work the next day and therefore travel for 2 hours), we decided to go to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit later I thought to myself, Let's go to her place. She really wanted to meet there and I do not care very much as long as I am with her. She did not like this because I had suddenly changed my mind and talked about all the disadvantages, she thought I absolutely did not want it and that I only did it for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Long story short, she had become angry with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has happened more than I like and I want to avoid this in the future. So, how can I make it clear that I do not mind doing the other thing after a discussion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14128" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T17:38:52.297" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T17:38:52.297" Title="How can I make it clear that I do not mind doing the other thing after a discussion?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13995" CreationDate="2018-05-03T17:22:14.450" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As some general advice, it always helps to relax and put things in perspective. You are probably &lt;strong&gt;overthinking it&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, age differences are going to limit personal discussions. Most of my colleagues are much older than me, so we can't really always relate our lives at my workplace. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But &lt;strong&gt;That's Okay&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, we are all human, and your age doesn't define you. The more confident you are, the more people will listen. Always. So when you're talking with older people, even in higher positions, just act confident and &lt;em&gt;talk about what you know&lt;/em&gt;. If you actually know it, they will listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will always be people who will be condescending based on age or experience. Be polite, but ultimately ignore them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, this may not be enough in a &lt;em&gt;personal conversation&lt;/em&gt;, because simply lacking things to talk about may turn awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some strategies:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Talk within the context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're at a conference! Surely the conference isn't so dull that you can't discuss it with others. And if it is, talk about how dull the conference is!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That speaker was really good. The topic they discussed was interesting. Maybe I'll dabble in it in the future. What did you think about it? Do you have any experience with that subject? Do you think it could benefit your [company/university/teaching/research]? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously don't say that whole thing in one breath. Space it out, weave it into the conversation. You may find that one sentence can spark hours of conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, maybe the conference sucks:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wasn't a huge fan of the presentation. The content seemed okay, but I don't really see the importance. What do you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful about throwing insults around, though, until you know how the other person feels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Talk about YOU&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one likes people who never shut up about themselves, but on the other hand, no one really likes to be interviewed during a conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So keep a balance. Talk about &lt;strong&gt;your research&lt;/strong&gt; a little, and maybe how it relates to the conference. You can also relate it to what the other person does, such as their company or their own research.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You may even find yourself a professional connection.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Just say Hi&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing wrong with saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey! I remember you from the last event we attended. I hope everything is going well. I just wanted to say hi.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very possible the other person at this point will start a conversation if they want one. That's good!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Know when to leave it alone&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Silence is only awkward if you make it awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the conversation dies, use your body language. If a presentation or something is going on, pay attention to it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Silence becomes awkward when you're paying your attention to another person without conversation. So divert your attention &lt;em&gt;just enough&lt;/em&gt; so that it doesn't look like your scrambling for things to say, but &lt;em&gt;not so much&lt;/em&gt; that it will look like you don't want to be interrupted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, know when to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It was nice catching up to you again. I hope we speak later. I'm going to go check out that presentation over there, or that poster, or that other thing. Bye!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T17:22:14.450" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13963" CreationDate="2018-05-03T17:24:53.243" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friend might have a love language of physical touch (and no, thats not as weird as it sounds). It means that unlike other people, he values appreciation and camaraderie in a different manner than others, essentially though appropriate physical contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend like this, so I alter how I act around him. Instead of a handshake as greeting, I give him a bro-hug. Instead of just saying &quot;congrats&quot;, I clasp him on the shoulder as well. Whenever he (or anyone for that matter, though that is beside the point) uses my shoulder for an elbow rest, I do that same thing to him (which makes for an interesting balancing act). Same for arm around shoulders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say all that to provide context. And to highlight how I deal with the situation (And trust me, I am not a physical person, I guard my personal space religiously). Instead of shutting my friend down, I take control of the situation and guide it in a manner that gives him the camaraderie he wants, without overstepping my personal boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still goes too far in your opinion, the other answers cover that pretty well. What I'm suggesting here is looking at it from your friend's point of view, figuring out what he wants/why he does what he does, then controlling the situation rather then reacting to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="269" LastEditorUserId="269" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T13:55:52.930" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T13:55:52.930" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14005" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13999" CreationDate="2018-05-03T17:28:45.563" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to challenge your question a little bit before I submit an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, the course of action has been decided.  Plans have been made.  Everyone has, for good or bad, agreed on what's going to happen.  Now, you re-open that decision by saying, &quot;Let's do the other option&quot;.  When others do that to me, it drives me buggy.  I'm OK with the decision, but I feel like it's being reopened to get the result that the other person wants.  That's not fair to me or to anyone else involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's look at the two of you.  You're made a decision, and now you want to re-open that discussion.  That's where I'd start.  &quot;I've been thinking on this.  I think that we've hit a decision that isn't fair to you and I'd like to reconsider.  Are you open to that?&quot;  Let her decide whether to re-open the discussion or not. If so, lay out your case and why you want to reconsider that decision.  Explain why it's not fair to her and how you think the other option would be better for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd caution you to be careful doing that too often.  If decisions are all open to discussion and re-opening, you're perceived as inconsistent and unreliable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T17:28:45.563" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14006" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13989" CreationDate="2018-05-03T17:45:08.943" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;One response I sometimes leverage is &quot;I'll never forgive you&quot; -- usually accompanied by a wry smile -- when people apologize for small things like that.  This response is obviously fairly sensitive to context (avoid using it at funerals or during murder trials), but if in a sufficiently informal context -- such as waiting in line or on an elevator, or during a random casual conversation, it's usually good for a little levity.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6811" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T17:45:08.943" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13889" CreationDate="2018-05-03T18:07:59.043" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seriously, who needs dates. You are doing the right thing. If she is interested then things will progress. Her friend will not turn up and she will still go out with you. If things are going on well on a given night, then her friend might go home early. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However if you want to make things progress, have something to do after the initial date like head to see a local band, or hang out at an all night cafe. You can suggest it to her while her friend is not around. &quot;After this movie, why don't just you and me go see this band I know is playing down the street&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might take a few times, but unfortunately sometimes things don't progress. If is does not, give up. The worst thing is to one day find out that instead of the girlfriend, she is bringing along the new boyfriend that struck her by lighting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17464" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T18:07:59.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13963" CreationDate="2018-05-03T19:17:52.610" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a lot less awkward if rather than concentrating on you feeling uncomfortable when &lt;strong&gt;he&lt;/strong&gt; touches you, you phrase it as your comfort level &lt;strong&gt;in general&lt;/strong&gt;; assuming that you would feel the same about someone else, you should say &quot;I'm uncomfortable with &lt;em&gt;people&lt;/em&gt; touching me&quot;, rather that &quot;I'm uncomfortable with &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; touching me&quot;. Make it about what touch you're comfortable, and try to keep the conversation away from judging. You have one comfort level, your friend has another, and there's nothing wrong with either of them. They happen to be incompatible, and you'd like your friend to accommodate you by reducing the amount he touches you. Comparisons to 12-year-olds you should keep to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T19:17:52.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14012" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-03T19:34:47.970" Score="3" ViewCount="495" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of interpersonal/communication advice out there centers on helping to de-escalate conflicts when you're &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12485/methods-of-resolving-highly-emotional-conflicts&quot;&gt;personally involved in them&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.samnabilcounseling.com/single-post/2015/11/20/3-ways-to-deescalate-conflict-between-couples-and-friends&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;can take a mediating role&lt;/a&gt;. However, what do you do if you notice a tendency in someone else to escalate conflicts that you're not present for, but that they go to you to talk about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone's already feeling wronged, I think outright telling them that you think they contributed to the conflict could easily backfire. Are there techniques to help open their minds to the idea of trying to resolve interpersonal conflicts mutually instead of fighting back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit to answer the comments:&#xA;In this specific case, it's someone who comes to me for venting and advice in general, but hasn't asked for me to weigh in specifically on their style of conflict resolution. Sometimes they do say things like, &quot;I don't know what to do!&quot; when describing a current conflict with someone else. Per Tinkeringbell's question, I don't know whether I should provide direct feedback but I would like to help them be more aware of how they are contributing to conflict escalation and what they can do instead. So &quot;provide direct feedback&quot; could be an answer to this question. Per baldPrussian's question, the answer is pretty much &quot;yes&quot; with the caveat that my expectation is that they would change their behavior if they knew how, and my goal is to help them know how, not to make them change their behavior if that is actually against their will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13204" LastEditorUserId="13204" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T22:23:53.263" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T08:52:33.930" Title="How to influence a friend to stop escalating conflicts?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13989" CreationDate="2018-05-03T19:38:06.107" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my area of the USA, this is perfectly normal behavior and the apology is not meant to warrant a response. If someone yawns while talking to you, then apologizes, they're simply signaling to you that the conversation isn't the reason and to continue. Some consider bodily functions, even involuntary ones like coughing, to be off putting, so they apologize. It's merely an expression of politeness. Going any further in trying to analyze it or think of a response to give would likely complicate the conversation and make them feel awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17470" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T19:38:06.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14012" CreationDate="2018-05-03T19:44:17.020" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing I was taught in customer service is that anger escalates when people feel that they are not being heard, which is why telling someone that they contributed to the matter doesn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deescalating as an interpersonal skill involves several things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge the person's feelings as valid.  One thing we were taught was the phrase.  &quot;I understand, if I were you, I'd feel the same way&quot;.  This is not a lie, if you were the person, you would feel the same way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listening to the person.  Don't interrupt, let them get their points across.  Just being heard is sometimes enough&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask how you can help.  Another phrase we were taught was &quot;What can I do to make this right?&quot;  Ask that, or something akin to it, and again.  Listen.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason this works is it first disarms the person's anger, then redirects their mindset to one of problem solving and resolution instead of fighting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;What can I do to make this right&quot; or &quot;How can we fix this&quot; or something to that effect gets the person to think not of revenge, or escalation, but instead to resolution and reconciliation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T19:44:17.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-03T20:27:00.167" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Fundamentally, role-playing is a collaborative story writing experience.  And in many stories, major characters &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; die off.  This doesn't detract from the story as a whole, but it can be a very emotional experience, even for the writers of that story. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you talk this over with your DM - it's clear that you want to shift into a new character, but you should retire your existing character as gracefully as possible.  In most games (and I assume yours) the DM controls the narrative of the non-player characters, so he could try to work with you in order to ease your character into retirement - or he may even have a better suggestion for how to retire the character and move on to a new one.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also important to be clear about your intent to the DM - you want to play a new character, and that's completely valid in a tabletop role-playing game.  But a new character is &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; a major dynamic change, so you'll want to work the new character into the story just as gracefully as the old character departs.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may take more time than you'd initially planned to retire your character, but the effort put into it will create a much more memorable experience, which (for me at least) is the ultimate goal of any role-playing game.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T20:27:00.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14016" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13989" CreationDate="2018-05-03T20:54:31.610" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandfather, who was a man of great class and tact, believed that the proper response to someone excusing themself after a bodily sound (burp, cough, etc) was a gracious but casual, &quot;Certainly.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should be done in an almost offhand manner.  The aim is to acknowledge that your heard them speak without drawing undue attention to the situation or implying that they -really should be asking to be excused-.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15900" LastActivityDate="2018-05-03T20:54:31.610" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14017" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14019" CreationDate="2018-05-03T22:36:54.677" Score="8" ViewCount="567" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to leave as many details out as possible to keep this anonymous since they are in tech, but here we go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some friends who are starting their own company. They have some small capital, and as a talented software engineer, my skills are useful to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially I was interested. This would be a short &quot;test run&quot; as a contractor, and if the product gets hold there would be more. Potentially employment, etc if things are good. Standard startup fare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now I have a high paying job, no real worries, and pretty decent benefits. I have no threats to my current job and the work isn't really hard. The pay at the startup would be significantly lower, with significantly higher risk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had told them I had second thoughts and don't want to follow through even though I showed interest in commitment initially. This took them back, obvious, and they were mad. Here are some highlights of what I was told:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My current job is worthless for progress and joining a startup allows me to be who I want&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Entrepreneurs do this, and if you don't do it you're not an entrepreneur&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The far lower pay is only temporary until the product takes off&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being a contractor is far more lucrative&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It would suck to be the only person in our group of friends and who didn't &quot;make it big&quot; when the product takes off&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being young I can do this and have plenty of time to save for my retirement later (I'm almost 30, eeesh it hurts just typing that).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The argument got a little heated and I dug my heels in. After deep introspection I've decided job security and steady income (at a higher-than-average salary for my area) is a smart thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question really revolves around how to deal with those points above. I have made it clear I don't have much interest in the job and they persist. I feel like the bullet points above seemed manipulative and didn't consider my own interests. It really bothers me they're argumentative and downright condescending on my viewpoint. I feel like they're trying to weasel me here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to remedy this situation without hurting our friendship? I enjoy hanging around these people and I feel like I'm dealing with people I dont even know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17476" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-05-03T23:04:53.913" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T05:37:26.013" Title="Dealing with friends are attempting to recruit me for a job" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14018" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-03T22:38:07.303" Score="5" ViewCount="1122" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, trying to practice reflective listening over SMS or other asynchronous messaging platform doesn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a sender, if I send a reflection and we weren't deeply embedded in active conversation on both sides, I find that the other person often disengages, maybe texts back a few hours later sounding frustrated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a receiver, I get frustrated when someone sends a reflection or reflective question since it comes across as very noticeable/clumsy and I often don't want to talk the thing through with them. Maybe I said all I meant to say (e.g. why I had to cancel plans for this week--I don't need their empathy over that and don't want it when it means having to text replies back to them over and over) or I was going somewhere else and their responses are like roadblocks that stop me from where I was going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is reflective listening still applicable to messaging, and I just need to be more skillful? Or are other communication strategies better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm intrigued by the slant of &lt;a href=&quot;https://business.tutsplus.com/articles/17-ways-to-use-active-listening-techniques-in-online-communication--fsw-3671&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt; which emphasizes being more explicit about a lot of things--saying how what the other person said made you feel, specifying the response you want, asking the other person about feelings/reactions to what you said. Should these skills replace reflections?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update: examples -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Person A is talking/venting at length about a situation with family that's really causing stress. Giving advice, platitudes, etc. wouldn't be appropriate, but I want them to know I'm listening and there for them. I reply, &quot;It sounds like this is really stressful for you&quot;. They don't reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Person B messages me asking how my day went. I reply to the request for info but get frustrated by the follow-up questions since I don't want to talk at all but they keep coming:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B 1:50pm: How are you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me 5:17pm: A wide range of emotions. Currently worrying about my friend who's falling into a deeper depression and convinced that he's tried everything and nothing can ever work to make his life better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B 5:44pm: Could he use some company?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B 5:45pm: Would he welcome it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me 5:45pm: He lives in [far-away city], but he's grateful when I call him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me 5:46pm: I was thinking of maybe sending him something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B 5:47pm: You could?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B 7:54pm: What were you thinking of sending?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me 4 days later: Eventually I realized it is more helpful to just send him more text messages and phone calls :P&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person's questions aren't technically reflections but they are active listening, apparently for the sake of trying to be supportive, but it's a burden for me to answer them, and they seem clumsy enough to annoy me too--like someone trying to relate without actually revealing anything of themself or bringing any interesting ideas to the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, to the point of reflective listening only being useful in some situations--that makes sense, that's why I'm irritated at Person B for messaging me in this way, but I usually spend several hours a week in text-based conversations that meet this criterion: &quot;Your friend is ranting to you about a complex situation and needs validation&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Common conversation topics over text or Facebook Messenger for me include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Dealing with gender dysphoria&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Body-image issues&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Loss of friends to suicide&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Interacting with abusive parents&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Relationship problems&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Harassment at work&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone's LGBT coming out process&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mental health problems&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sex-related shame&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone asking for counseling on an issue they're responsible for, e.g. a performer in the troupe they run who's been accused of sexual assault&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Poverty/financial problems&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm &quot;being genuine&quot; it works, but sometimes I don't have anything to say that's &quot;genuine&quot;, but I still don't want to say nothing or resort to other communication strategies I know would be ineffective (like saying &quot;I'm sure it'll turn out okay&quot;). I don't have an example off the top of my head but even when someone keeps engaging when I'm trying to do reflective-listening-style messages, it subjectively introduces discord. In an actual conversation (phone or in-person) I can read tone of voice or face/body language to adjust in real-time to stay more on the same page, but that isn't there in text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13204" LastEditorUserId="13204" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T23:13:04.500" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T12:14:34.910" Title="Is reflective listening appropriate for text messages? Is there a better alternative?" Tags="&lt;texting&gt;&lt;active-listening&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14017" CreationDate="2018-05-03T23:02:55.523" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've decided you don't want to work for them, so if they begin to argue why your job is worthless or how amazing your life could be with them, &lt;strong&gt;do not argue back&lt;/strong&gt;. Respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; sound awesome, but I've already decided the startup life isn't for me. I'll be cheering for you guys though!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the sounds of it, they'll ask you why you don't think their startup is for you. Remember that &lt;strong&gt;you owe them no explanation&lt;/strong&gt;. This is a big life changing decision and it's yours to make for yourself and yours alone. If they ask &quot;why?&quot;, reiterate:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I've decided that I'm going to stay at my current job. I'd be more than happy to &amp;lt; insert helpful thing here... &gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where &quot;helpful thing&quot; could be any of &quot;bring snacks over while you guys are working,&quot; &quot;help hold a company opening party,&quot; etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is to &lt;strong&gt;stay firm on the fact that you're not interested in joining their company without getting pulled into arguments about your reasons&lt;/strong&gt;. If you begin to discuss your reasons, they will see this as a negotiable point, which you've made it clear it's not. At the same time, you also want to be sure to &lt;strong&gt;show that you still value them as friends and you're willing to support them in this endeavor!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're probably hurt that you've turned them down after you got their hopes up when you were interested. As such, it will take them time to get over this, but if you continue to be supportive of them and shut down conversations of you joining without getting pulled into arguments, they'll eventually realize that your role in their lives is as a supportive friend, and not a startup coworker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T05:37:26.013" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T05:37:26.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14018" CreationDate="2018-05-04T01:45:30.610" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to challenge the premise of your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reflective listening, and other involved client-centric communication techniques are NOT appropriate for casual conversation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are smarter than you give them credit for. No one likes uninvited therapy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here some good situations to use Reflective Listening:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your friend is ranting to you about a complex situation and needs validation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your coworker is explaining a complex new idea he or she thought of&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are in an argument and want the other person to see that you are attempting to understand their viewpoint&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are a therapist giving therapy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice, that these situations rarely, if ever, occur during text messaging. Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Text messaging is casual&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's look at why reflective listening doesn't work casually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Nice weather we are having.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Uninvited therapist:&lt;/strong&gt; Ah, so you're saying the weather has been more pleasant recently than it had been in the past. I see.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not a conversation you want to continue, huh?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reflective listening is a technique, NOT a skill&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, it doesn't need replaced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say what you feel and keep it polite. That's what people expect. It's called being &lt;strong&gt;genuine&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; I have to cancel plans this weekend. My grandmother died and the funeral is coming up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm sorry for your loss. Hopefully we can reschedule in the future. Thank you for letting me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Polite, concise, non-prying, and not a single single consideration of &amp;quot;communication strategies&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T01:45:30.610" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13971" CreationDate="2018-05-04T02:22:49.923" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I played in a long-running, story-heavy campaign that had a few major, unplanned changes.  One of these was the departure of a player, and it did not make sense for anybody to take over the character.  (We were all pretty immersed in telling a shared story and felt that one character per player was what we needed to do that.)  We addressed it by having a conversation about &lt;em&gt;consequences, retcons, and adjustments&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were all invested in the story and, thus, not messing up the story.  The GM allowed us to make some retroactive adjustments in skill/spell advancements to cover gaps left by the character.  He told us that he was going to be moving some plot hooks and we all agreed not to point and gawk about anything that was less than smooth.  And because our party was now reduced in number, we talked about ways to increase the role of some of our recurring non-player characters without stealing focus from the players.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Drawing from that experience, I recommend that you have a conversation with your GM, outside of the game, and include the following points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(As others have said), you really enjoy the game and don't want to mess up the story.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;But you want to make a change that is inherently disruptive.  &lt;em&gt;If you're open to making changes to your character to make play more interesting, instead of completely replacing the character, explore that path!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You appreciate all the work he's put into integrating your character, plot hooks, etc and you don't want to mess that up.  Maybe some of them can be transferred to other characters, and maybe some things can be retconned?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can you help?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your GM will probably need some time to think things through; your goal in this first conversation is to open the door, not to resolve everything.  We discussed the departing character over the course of a few weeks, in person at one game session but mostly through email and some one-on-one chats.  We continued to make small adjustments after the initial changes, as we discovered things.  Allow your GM that flexibility too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T02:22:49.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13889" CreationDate="2018-05-04T02:28:49.013" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ah, this used to happen to me so many times. Let me put it clear to you mate: you are in the &lt;strong&gt;friend zone&lt;/strong&gt;. You may be able to get out of it, but the best solution to a friend zone is always not to get into it in the first place. &lt;strong&gt;Know what you want&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're better off doing what the others recommend here. But if you've had enough - this has been going on for a while, &lt;strong&gt;be confident&lt;/strong&gt; and after inviting her, when she asks to bring her friend, any version of this line can help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's cool, but I'd rather we go alone this time, what do you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like to say this to show her that I have nothing against her friend, that I know what I want - confidence - and that I want her opinion. She'll either give you a direct answer or ask you why. When/if she asks why, just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just wanna spend more time with you. Alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, go for what you want. Now, remember, talk in a casual way, relax, girls love it. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bonus tip: Since it's only one female friend, you can invite her at the right moment. &lt;strong&gt;Make sure you know when her friend will be too busy to join&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't stalk on her friend please, just get to know her too - like the other answers recommend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that confidence &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; good timing - patience -  is key. ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17478" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T02:28:49.013" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14024" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14030" CreationDate="2018-05-04T02:39:42.707" Score="1" ViewCount="1028" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother does not approve of my boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Emotional Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To provide context - my boyfriend worked with my Mother. She was the executive of the company. I referred my current boyfriend(back then he was my friend) to the company. They hired him. After he started working there we started dating each other. For various reasons, he was not able to perform well on the job. This was in the first 6 months of the job. &#xA;And stupid me back then kept telling him that if he is not going to perform in his job then I would leave him.&#xA;Lot of drama and stress happened for 1.5 years. We broke up twice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He quit the company after 1.5 years and we broke up too. &#xA;After 6 months, it was very hard for me to reconcile why I broke up with him. We have been steadily going strong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personality Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Mother is dominating determined woman. She keeps telling me that he is not the right person for me. He is not ambitious, he is not driven etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend is more of the zen kinds. He does not believe in burning himself out on the job. He has worked for great companies. He is extremely smart and has got great grades throughout his childhood. The company he worked for above was his only down period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Father has been unwell for almost 18 years now and for most of my adolescent and adult life my mom has been very close to me. She has been my biggest support and I share everything with her. I am the only kid and I have no siblings.&#xA;My mother in some ways is materialistic. She believes in the &quot;brand&quot; of things. Like which school did he graduate, where is he working, is he the director of xyz ... And my boyfriend is not that. He has done extremely well, but he is not the director and neither does he aspire to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Current context&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Recently my boyfriend was visiting me and I had to tell my Mother(because she suddenly planned a trip to visit me). &#xA;So, when I told her my boyfriend is visiting me for few weeks she completely flipped out. She started saying that I don't like him, I don't approve him etc. We spoke only for ten minutes but it was emotionally very exhausting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been working with my Mother from the past 2 years on this. I have been trying to tell her that its my decision and my life. I will decide whom I date, when I want to get married and whom I want to get married to.&#xA;She seems stuck and does not get past it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to handle a deadlock situation like this?&#xA;I do not think she will change her mind about him. I have come to terms with that now. I think she keeps saying all those things(where she puts pressure) with me, because she feels that I will break up with my boyfriend - That is not going to happen!! I am committed to him and I don't think her disapproval is a reason for me to break up. I have tried in the past and it does not stick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to add why I like my boyfriend.&#xA;He is a great partner. I am inspired by him. I learn a lot from him.&#xA;He is lovable, caring and honest. He is the person I want to be with. &#xA;I have known him for the past 8 years and we have been together on-off for the past 5 years - with past 2 years being more stable. &#xA;I have no reason to walk away from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As previously iterated how does one handle a situation of this kind? I feel extremely frustrated and helpless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any help would be appreciated. I understand that this is a common situation when parents don't approve of their children's partners but being the only child and my father being unwell puts a lot of emotional stress on me to be a good child. My Mother has done a lot for me and I feel have a lot of gratitude in my heart. She is the best Mother I can ever ask for. She has brought me up to be a strong, independent woman. And now I feel she is taking all this power away from me. She is not trusting me. I understand she comes from a place of concern but if there is one decision I want to make for my life - it would be this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for your time and patience!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17463" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T07:16:40.103" Title="My mother does not approve of my boyfriend and she is not getting past it" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-04T07:14:13.247" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14025" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14024" CreationDate="2018-05-04T03:42:10.710" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suggestions here might be quite general as am lacking of some more details (e.g. like what are you current status, are you working? ...and so on), so it will based on your context and some assumptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyhow, I assumed that you have thought it through and have a firm decision of going on with your boyfriend, whom probably later will become your SO. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, you mum wanted the best for you because she loves you. Her rejection to your boyfriend could come from her years of experiences where she has came across with all kinds of people, and he does not fit the bill of a good husband material. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, first thing first... &lt;strong&gt;have you give a thought about the future with your boyfriend?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Once you got the answers, convey to your mum. &lt;strong&gt;Let her know that this is not just about loving your boyfriend, but you both do have plans for the future&lt;/strong&gt;. You can also let her know that you don't need to live a luxury life (&lt;em&gt;I am assuming this based on the context&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have also mentioned that you learnt and inspired a lot from your boyfriend. &lt;strong&gt;Tell you mum as well, and how it has made you changed as a better person.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Acknowledge your mum's love to you, and you do understand her concerns&lt;/strong&gt;, but let her know that you will feel devastated and heartbroken leaving your boyfriend.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Seek trust from your mum&lt;/strong&gt;, and asked her to believe and give you time (probably 2~3 more years or longer) to show that both of you are working out the plans towards the future. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may also your mum if there's anything to change her perspective of your boyfriend or anyways to accept him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite you said that your mum could be quite materialistic, but I believe the major concerns from her would be &quot;&lt;em&gt;will my daughter be happy (and sustainable) for her life&lt;/em&gt;&quot; (and not just at the current moment), which is probably why she would mind a lot of your boyfriend's background.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence, having answers to the future will at least show that you have thought it through and are serious about it. You know what both of you and your boyfriend want and are working on it. And hopefully, that will give her some trust and assurance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T03:42:10.710" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14027" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14033" CreationDate="2018-05-04T06:08:42.303" Score="51" ViewCount="12646" Body="&lt;h2&gt;About us&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are a European couple, I'm 23 male and she is 24 female, from Spain. We have been together for about 5 months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend's mother passed away a couple of years ago, and she hasn't really talked to me too much about her. Some nights ago, while we were in bed about to sleep, she started crying (silently, I only noticed when I tried to talk to her about something else) because the next day was Mother's day, and that brought her back memories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All I could come up with was hug her and kiss her, and the few words I said didn't really help her that much. I wanted to let her know that I was there for her if she wanted to talk about her mother or her feelings, but I didn't want it to make her feel like I was forcing her to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can be shy sometimes, specially if she feels she is being a burden to me, so she won´t bring out topics like this unless I do it first and assure her she is not giving me any trouble. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell her that I'm willing to listen to her if she wants to talk about her mother, but leave her the option to say no?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13099" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T15:41:37.293" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T21:52:24.847" Title="How to tell my GF I'm willing to listen her, but leaving her the option to say no?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14027" CreationDate="2018-05-04T07:02:26.027" Score="19" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell her that I´m willing to listen to her if she wants to talk?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already done something very important : &quot;&lt;em&gt;All I could come up with was hug her and kiss her.&lt;/em&gt;&quot; You showed her you care. But words didn't help...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sometimes, silence is much more powerful than words&lt;/strong&gt;. Add the presence of his beloved (&lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;). Be nice. Act &quot;&lt;em&gt;normally&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Create a &quot;warm / welcoming&quot; atmosphere (i.e. avoid sensible topics if you have to talk, talk less, respect her silence, make dinner, do anything that keeps you and/or her busy. Something light, not so important, &quot;routine&quot;, etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do whatever you do so that she can feel you're here for here, but not bothering her. This is the first step &quot;telling&quot; her that you are here to support her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To use an image, you are the wooden pole she sees and can cling to, you are the chair she can use to sit and relax. Show you're here and willing to help. Don't say it with words until needed or if you feel it's needed/welcome. Human beings usually prefer talking when they're not stressed/pissed/sad etc. Wait until you feel she's more relax.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If really you have to use words, I would wait until we've just finished some random task, sit in the couch, and say something along the line of: &quot;wow, we did a good job. We should take a couple of minutes off before doing X/Y/Z. Sit with me [ any love word here ]? want to talk about something?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's willing to talk to you, she'll know you're opened to listen to her. If she just cuddle or say nothing, well, she knows you're here, but doesn't want to talk. It's another body language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T08:14:21.147" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T08:14:21.147" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14024" CreationDate="2018-05-04T07:16:40.103" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's start by putting ourselves in the shoes of your mother and what she knows about your boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the time she worked with him on the job she knows for a fact that he was a lazy worker that didn't take the job seriously. He completely lacked ambition to grow and eventually (had to?) quit that job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In her eyes you confirmed this as well by ending the relationship at that point. The fact that you didn't really have a stable relationship (except for the past 2 years) has shown that you didn't really fit together that well either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When looking at it like that she has a solid ground to warn you that he's most likely not fit as a future husband for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'm assuming the most important question you're actually asking is how can you 2 have constructive conversations about your relationship with your boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you initiate the conversation by telling your mom how fighting over breaking up with your boyfriend is hurting your relationship with your mother. Tell her how you miss being able to talk to her as your closest friend like you used to and that you want to have more constructive conversations again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can word it however you want but the most important thing here is that you remain calm no matter what she says. This will also go well with the following thing I would do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear that you have 1 big rule when you 2 are going to talk about your boyfriend. That is that you will try your best to listen to your mothers advice but if she even suggests that you have to break up with him you will end the conversation at that point and walk away (or hang up the phone/skype, or if she's visiting you send her away).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it happens you should actually do it as well. Walk away (/hang up/...) to prevent ending up fighting. At this point you should be able to still remain calm. Teach your mother that if she wants to have quality time with her daughter she should respect your feelings as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mother agrees with that rule (not that she has much choice since you'll just enforce it anyway) you can actually start talking about your boyfriend again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An important point here is to never respond to one of her concerns by directly denying it. Instead try to understand why it concerns her and why she thinks it's so important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then explain that you might have different priorities. You think it's more important that he's happy with a &quot;lower&quot; possition where he doesn't have to worry constantly about all the people under him. So that when he comes home after work he still has time and energy left over to give attention to you rather than drop down on the couch exhausted. Maybe (most likely) he had different reasons for not really doing his best on that job he did together with your mother and he's actually doing a lot better at his current job. So that contrary to how she remembers him, he's now actually putting in a lot of effort at his job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you actually do try to understand how she feels. There's a high chance that her strong feelings aren't actually against your boyfriend but more about missing you as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T07:16:40.103" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14027" CreationDate="2018-05-04T08:05:04.307" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can relate to your girlfriend. I myself lost my father ~20 years ago. I'm also rather an introvert. It took me years of distance to be able to talk about it. The first few years I would not even cry, just shut down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still sometimes get sad when something reminds me of him, like a movie with a strong father-son scene. What I can tell you is that my wife always notices. She then just cuddles me and tells me that she loves me. For me that is about the best thing you can do in such a situation. Just hold her and have a tissue ready. If she wants to tell you something, she will. Else just be there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also helps talking about it, but I would reserve that for another time, when she is not overwhelmed by mourning. When you have an intimate discussion anyway, you can offer her an opportunity to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either do it passively by disclosing something thematically related yourself. (&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12149/how-to-use-social-penetration-theory-to-increase-closeness-with-someone-who-does/12186#12186&quot;&gt;see this post for a discussion of this approach&lt;/a&gt;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or just ask her directly, something like: &lt;em&gt;I noticed you still carry a lot of sorrow about your late mother. Whenever you want to talk about it, when you're ready just tell me. I am always there for you.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever feels appropriate. Just be sensitive and if she rejects your offer, don't keep pestering her about this. You have to be patient and let her take her time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At last, I wanted to remind that, while feeling sorrow is not a particularly good experience, those feelings need to be felt from time to time. It's part of the process of mourning. You can't spare her that, so just be supportive. I know for a loving partner that you can sometimes feel left out, but this is something you just need to give her space. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="15789" LastEditDate="2018-05-05T17:56:55.420" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T17:56:55.420" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14027" CreationDate="2018-05-04T08:19:32.283" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Mourning&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a sense of loss that lasts years.  There is not a getting better, it is about working through ones feelings and becoming a different person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key issue is to show support, emotional sympathy and empathy, feeling the sadness and working with the person as they come to terms with their loss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is like losing an arm or a leg.  Part of who you are has gone, and you know will never return.  And on an emotional scale it is essential one acknowledges the feelings and let the process of letting go, and mourning happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are lots of books and support to help you understand the situation and what is appropriate.&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T08:19:32.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14012" CreationDate="2018-05-04T08:48:41.513" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Richard U has an excellent answer on what to do at the moment someone comes to you when he's at a loss. First de-escalating his current anger is definitely the right way to go. This answer is for when you have a regular talk with that person when he's not agrevated already. (Maybe see it as an elaboration of his 3d step).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is to make him think about his actions himself more than trying to really change him. You can use a question like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey here's an interesting thought: Do you know why &amp;lt; other person &gt; stopped listening to you when you were only halfway through your sentence?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're looking at you confused or responding &quot;no&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;well let's turn it around. When they were making a point, were you trying to understand their point or were you only thinking about how to explain them they were wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I bet at this point they'll make a click that there's a big difference between &quot;being right&quot; and &quot;being heard&quot;. If not, feel free to directly spell it out to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From here on out you can either provide them with info about inerpersonal skills if they're interested, or tell them &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;where they can ask how to handle interpersonal situations&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Or if they really aren't interested in learning how not to escalate things you can just fall back to being their venting place and perhaps try the same approach with the one he's fighting with instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T08:48:41.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14012" CreationDate="2018-05-04T08:52:33.930" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try to bring into the conversation the fact that the escalation of the conflict was a negative outcome in itself, without assigning any blame to your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friend: &quot;How annoying is the fall-out from my potentially avoidable conflict with Timmy?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: &quot;Yeah, really annoying. Dealing with people like Timmy is so difficult. They do something bad and then things just escalate which is even more frustrating and timewasting. What can one even do about such people?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to frame the outcome as being the result of 1) Timmy's hopelessness, and 2) the escalation of the conflict (also Timmy's fault). Hopefully statements like this can create some kind of space where conflict de-escalation can be discussed as a general concept/strategy, without saying that your friend was wrong not to use it. Even discussing deescalation might mean it's a strategy they'll be aware of and think about next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, if you want to be more specific and gently suggest things that you feel they should do, you could try phrasing it as a story or incident where you witnessed a co-worker (etc) doing effective conflict resolution and mentioning how you were impressed by them and want to try it yourself. Saying something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Last week in the cafeteria, Timmy did something and then Jane did some awesome deescalation (sorry for the lack of imagination...) and I thought I should try that some time&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;frames the situation as you and your friend on the same level, thinking how you can incorporate new strategies into your lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14374" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T08:52:33.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14037" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-04T09:56:51.803" Score="6" ViewCount="924" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother has a strained relationship with her family, particularly her mother. As children, we only met my mother's side of the family on rare occasions and now that my siblings and I are grown, I don't believe my mother is in any kind of communication with her mother or brother. I don't really know much about why they don't get along but as far as I know it's not over some particular incident. I know some general points, but I'll keep them to myself unless it proves important for the sake of this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, I have never had any strongly negative experiences with my grandmother. My wife and I have not shut her out of our lives and she has met our children, although we do not live close to each other and don't really make a specific point to visit each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since my grandmother now has somewhat of a relationship with us, she would like me to help her get in touch with my mother. I asked my mother whether it would be ok for me to share her phone number or address (presumably to send letters, etc. I don't think she would visit unannounced) with  my grandmother and she told me not to do so. I intend to honor that, but I'm trying to figure out how to word the email to my grandmother politely. How can I communicate that my mother does not want me to share her contact information without making my grandmother upset at me for refusing her request?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17491" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T20:01:09.310" Title="How can I politely inform my grandmother that I cannot provide my mother's contact information" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;estranged-relations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14038" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-04T10:31:20.507" Score="4" ViewCount="513" Body="&lt;p&gt;I try to say what I mean, and mean what I say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I just want to say &quot;Hi&quot; or &quot;Hello&quot; without asking the person how they are going. I like to ask how they are or how they are going only when I am genuinely interested in hearing the response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, if I just say &quot;Hi&quot;, it can seem curt, or awkward, almost as if the expected greeting was &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot; or just &quot;How're you going?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I politely say hello without asking somebody how they are?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are three cases:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When I want to be polite and acknowledge someone's existence without engaging in a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When I intentend to interact but have no intention of asking the person how they are in the current interaction (eg avoiding asking a person who is a chronic complainer)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When I want to ask them how they are later on, perhaps when we are seated, in a quiet space with less distractions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in a community of international travellers and expatriates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4521" LastEditorUserId="4521" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T11:21:08.163" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T13:40:27.133" Title="How to say hello without asking &quot;how are you going?&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14038" CreationDate="2018-05-04T10:47:18.447" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Short answer:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good day to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should be enough to get the message across and is considered to be polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Long(er) answer:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;1. When I want to be polite and acknowledge someone's existence without engaging in a conversation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While serving as a initiation of conversation this also implies your benevolence and is rather simple and straightforward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;2. When I intentend to interact but have no intention of asking the person how they are in the current interaction (eg avoiding asking a person who is a chronic complainer)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding a second sentence to show your intention of interacting. Here it depends on who is initiating the conversation. If someone comes to you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Customer:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;comes into your office&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;quot;Good day to you. Let's have a seat and talk about the ninja-report.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;quot;Good day to you. How may I help?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand if you start the conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;enters the local ninja-school&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Good day to you. Do you have a moment to talk about my recent ninja-report? I was wondering whether...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;3. When I want to ask them how they are later on, perhaps when we are seated, in a quiet space with less distractions.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As this is an extension of 2. you can easily just extend the quote as well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Colleague:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;comes into your office&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;quot;Good day to you. I'd love to hear how you've been. But first, what brings you here?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13628" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T13:40:27.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14038" CreationDate="2018-05-04T11:19:52.690" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is nothing wrong with a simple hello, but you can always turn what would normally be a question into a statement. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, I hope you are doing well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Body language is very important too, if you don't plan to have a long conversation with someone, don't hang around. Say hello, make eye contact, give them a smile but be decisive and continue with what you were doing. People often get offended/confused when you act indecisive, it makes them overthink the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember you can still be polite while being honest. Most people will appreciate honesty, if you want to catch up with someone later, simply tell them. Like I said earlier give them a smile and some eye contact, it shows you're genuine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of changing the conversation when talking to a chronic complainer, try putting an optimistic spin on it. Affirmation of their complaints will only make them complain more, being optimistic is a nice positive way to make them realise you're not interested. Or rather, you don't have time for that kind of behaviour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17495" LastEditorUserId="17495" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T12:36:47.403" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T12:36:47.403" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14041" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14037" CreationDate="2018-05-04T11:21:45.263" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you have to be truthful. You can tell her that, you respect your mother choice but if one day your mother wishes to reconnect with her family then you will be glad to give her her contact information. Forcing your mother in a relationship that she escaped for a very long time, might maybe also stain your relationship with your mother. So you have to make her understand that you cherish them both and and you do not want to lose any of them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can still tell your grandmother not to lose hope, and that you will continue to try convince your mother. Your grandmother put you in a pretty difficult situation but if you told her you would ask your mother for her consent she will surely understand if the answer is not positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17492" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T13:14:26.723" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T13:14:26.723" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14042" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14059" CreationDate="2018-05-04T11:38:10.837" Score="63" ViewCount="16216" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner has a friend from way-back, T. We sometimes hang out with him and his family and go on day trips together. I've known them for 5 years but the contact is not always as frequent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While we both ran into T, my partner was invited to a BBQ for T's birthday. He specifically mentioned I shouldn't come, as it's a 'guys only thing'. I was totally fine with that and planned something else that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That day is nearly coming and a mutual friend of us and T asks me if I'm coming to the BBQ, since his girlfriend was invited but she wanted to know if I planned on going. This mutual friend mentioned T specifically said his girlfriend could come, and that a couple of other girls would be there too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner asked T again and again he said 'guys only', so it seems he is not including me specifically, on purpose. I feel hurt by this and want to know the reason behind it, but I feel 'above' causing a scene over this. I will not attend the BBQ or see him before that time. My partner says that I should just ask T myself and that he's not going to 'get in between this'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask T why I was not included without causing a scene or being too confronting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;EDIT&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So the BBQ happened. My partner went, I did not. I did not ask T why I&#xA;  was not invited yet because I didn't want it to look like I was&#xA;  pushing for an invite and planned on asking later. Now I wasn't there,&#xA;  but according to my partner T said some of the guys were 'not allowed'&#xA;  to come if their girlfriends couldn't come, so he said they could&#xA;  bring their girlfriends, but he wasn't happy about that at all. He&#xA;  told my partner he was happy I wasn't so 'clingy'. My partner mentioned  I was very confused about the situation but didn't want to create a fuzz about it and T sent me a&#xA;  message during the BBQ to say thanks for respecting his guys only&#xA;  wishes. I think it's still an odd situation but I'm going to take the&#xA;  personal thank you message as sincere and just try to continue the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have no reason to suspect my partner being the 'bad' guy in this&#xA;  situation, he's usually fine with just saying it if he needs some time&#xA;  with his friends. We can talk about that stuff openly so I don't see&#xA;  why he wouldn't this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="1681" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T07:31:27.250" LastActivityDate="2019-10-29T17:46:46.990" Title="How to ask why I was not included without causing a scene?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14043" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14027" CreationDate="2018-05-04T11:40:03.270" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simply put, &lt;strong&gt;you already have&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All I could come up with was hug her and kiss her, and the few words I said didn´t really help her that much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nuh-uh. You don't get to say that it didn't help- because they will have. Just because she isn't springing up as though things are fine and isn't carrying on her day as normal, doesn't mean it didn't help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In times like these where she's struggling and needs it, she's getting it. You're showing support, companionship by being there and offered it to her on her terms. You aren't drowning her in it which I can tell you is not helpful, so relax- you're doing what you can already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to let her know that I was there for her if she wanted to talk about her mother or her feelings, but I didn´t want it to make her feel like I was forcing her to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so you have- she knows you're there if she wants to talk to you about it, she will. It may take time, or a conversation which is relevant and it comes out, who knows- but if she wants to, she will. There's no forcing involved so don't worry about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in a similar situation when I lost my Father whhile I was in my early 20's- I dealt with it by crying my eyes out throughout the funeral, absolutely stuffing myself afterwrads and drinking a bottle of wine, throwing myself into about 3 months of intense work before finally letting myself get back to normal. I spoke to a close friend of many years about it and nobody else- but that's what I needed, it's how I dealt with it, that was that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But remember, everyone handles and deals with grief in their own unique way- some like to get on with life and lose themselves in work, others are full of grief and sadness for months- we all have our own way. It could be that she doesn't &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to talk about it and she's free to feel that way, if in a years time she's no different, but is &quot;fine&quot;, there's no reason to push it but you can remind her you're still there for her if she feels she changes her mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Carry on as you already are and just be there for her. Give her the comfort and companionship she needs when you can. It's still fresh and raw for her, give it time and give it a chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17200" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T11:40:03.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11243" CreationDate="2018-05-04T11:48:57.323" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/11248/110&quot;&gt;HDE's post&lt;/a&gt;, but thought I'd add an answer based on my experience with games in The Resistance family. I haven't played Coup itself, but I have played some of the others. If you take HDE's approach of discussing how you play, reexamining the game rules, and reconsidering your house rules, you might like to consider presenting an argument like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unlike many other games, the games in The Resistance family are all carefully balanced to have just enough information available. The history of The Resistance is that it was inspired by Mafia/Warewolf, but introduced elements which replaced essentially random lynchings with evidence based logic. All the elements which you can see, and all you can't, are important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now because I haven't played Coup, I don't know the merits of your house rule to remove two cards. I'm guessing it makes the game slightly harder at the beginning as there are cards you can't account for, but maybe a little easier at the end if you can figure them out, because then there's less to count? In any case, everyone should be on the same page about the house rules and their merits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of clearing away the face-up characters, this would increase the difficulty of the game, as it requires you to remember everything, rather than being able to check visually as you play. If everyone feels they want to add that challenge to the game, then fine, that should be a workable house rule. But you'd need to play it consistently: &lt;em&gt;every&lt;/em&gt; face-up card gets immediately hidden, and they should be hidden neutrally, not in one person's hands while they &quot;shuffle&quot; them (but actually gain the advantage to check on the cards while no one else can.) It's fundamentally unfair to turn a game &lt;em&gt;while it is being played&lt;/em&gt; from one in which memory is not important to one in which it is. That goes against the entire reason of playing logical games such as these.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="110" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T11:48:57.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-04T11:53:42.417" Score="32" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it possible to find out why I was not included without causing a scene?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid this is not really possible (in my experience). I've been excluded from similar gathering countless times in my life, and I never got a straight answer to the question &quot;why?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I got my own answers, sure, by growing up I was able to analyse the situation from a &quot;distance&quot; and see that the political situation and the fact that I was born in the &quot;wrong place&quot; made me the automatic target for many, still, it was nothing anyone was ready to admit or discuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your situation is most likely different, but you still have to consider the chance that T has no desire to discuss the reasons (be that he does not like you, or that he perceives that you made him a wrong in the past, or whatever) that brought him to decide not to invite you, also given the fact that he is trying to hide the fact that he is not inviting you specifically (and that he has no reason to expect he would not be found out on the day of the BBQ).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;without being confronting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since he invited your boyfriend, he could mention that he has &quot;heard that mutual friend's girlfriend has been invited, has there been a change of plan?&quot; This could give the chance to T to change your status from uninvited to invited without creating a fuzz (or to un-invite your friend).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From personal experience, any choice that involves &quot;why did you not invite me/my girlfriend?&quot; will not lead to straight answers, and possibly more resentment in the future (he will not like the feeling of being &quot;exposed&quot;, you will not like the feeling of being treated like the &quot;idiot that would not have found out&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9000" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T11:53:42.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14038" CreationDate="2018-05-04T12:14:53.073" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand the subtlety of the problem here. Yes, it is okay to just say hello, but there is often a cultural expectation of something more. With that in mind here are some more possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello! That hat (jacket, tie, blouse) looks great on you! (I feel like saying something like this with a certain enthusiasm could help). Any type of compliment could a) help avoid the How are you? and b) serve the important social function of being polite, engaging, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, good to see you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then you could add something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It would be great to catch up a little later (but right now I am headed to . . .)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned in another answer, nonverbal communication is key, so how you position yourself as you say something like this, and/or immediately after will &quot;seal the deal.&quot; Keep moving in the direction you were headed, and avoid planting your feet and squaring your shoulders to the person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this might all still be taken as negative or disconfirming by the other person, so I would use your judgement. Sometimes doing the conventional and expected thing is what is best for a specific situation or purpose. But I get the sense you are already aware of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17407" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T12:14:53.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13989" CreationDate="2018-05-04T12:24:36.697" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually acknowledge it in a non-verbal way, with a nod or a smile. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's enough of an acknowledgement that if they really are embarrassed about whatever bodily function they're apologising for, it offers reassurance, but doesn't further disrupt the conversation like saying 'no problem' does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9559" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T12:24:36.697" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14037" CreationDate="2018-05-04T13:01:41.183" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd start by asking if grandmother knows that mother has her contact information.  If so, then I'd respond with &quot;I understand you want to get together but that's not my place to give out contact information.  I'm sorry but I can't get in the middle of this.  If Mom wants to contact you, she will.&quot;  If she does not, then I'd respond with, &quot;I haven't asked her if I could give you her contact info, but if you'd like I can pass your contact information to her along with your desire to get into contact.  After that, it's out of my hands.&quot;  You can pass along requests like this and still stay out of the family drama.  The important thing here is to ensure that each other WANTS you to give out their contact information.  If they don't, then your answer, although unpleasant, is quite simple.  &quot;I'm sorry but they did not approve my giving you that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Family squabbles can be long-running and, sadly, pretty vindictive.  Mother may not want grandmother to get in contact with her for whatever reason.  I'd only pass that information along after someone approves it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Grandma keeps asking, I'd tell her that &quot;I've asked mother for permission to give you her contact information; as yet she has not approved it.  I'm sorry but I will only give out someone's contact if they approve it - for anyone.&quot;  Grandma may be mad at you, but if mother doesn't want grandma to call and you enable that, Mom will be mad at you.  You can't win in a family squabble, so stay as far out as you can.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T15:25:11.580" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T15:25:11.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14018" CreationDate="2018-05-04T13:12:44.720" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although some specific examples might be helpful as requested, I would like to approach answering this question in the general way that it was asked. I recently informally polled about 100 college students, asking them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Out of all of your interpersonal communication, how much would you say occurs electronically or online (cell phones, social networking, etc.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even the students seemed a little surprised that the average was around 80%. Given this very informal survey, my sense is that younger people are essentially replacing much of their face-to-face communication, and therefore the basic needs we achieve through interpersonal communication, with various forms of texting, whereas older people still go out of their way to spend more time face-to-face. With that in mind, I do believe that it makes sense that the greater percentage of one's overall communication that occurs via text the more they might need to incorporate things like reflective listening in that medium. If you are essentially depending on texting to achieve the basic needs derived from communication, then it would follow that you need to make that communication more interpersonal. Older people (or people who text less) probably tend to keep texting informal, but younger people (or people who text more) probably rely on it for a wider range of contexts. (As an example, some people will only break up via text, and other people would never do such a thing.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all that background, my answer to the question is that, just like in face-to-face communication, part of the overall skill is reading the situation, and accurately perceiving what the other person wants or needs. This is obviously more challenging via text, as you do not have all the nonverbal cues to rely on and interpret. In some situations it may just be a matter of paying attention to the context of the exchange, but in other situations it may be more difficult. In lieu of nonverbals, one needs to use words to fill in the blanks, and as awkward as it may sound, I think that asking a question like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you need me to be a good listener right now or are you just telling me what's going on?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;could be helpful. Like any other relationship, you and the other person do get to establish your own unique rules, (and then those rules sometimes turn into schema that can apply to a social group or beyond). If you often experience conflict or dissonance, some metacommunication about how you handle such situations can be very helpful. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you know how we always seem to get confused in our texts? I think I just have trouble knowing when I am supposed to . . .  I know it might sound a little weird, but I am just going to ask from now on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think to the older person/person who doesn't rely so much on texting, this all may sound a little absurd, but technology is permanently altering the ways we communicate and the social rules and schema around those ways. To me, the key underlying concept is that we need interpersonal communication to satisfy certain basic human needs, and if our face-to-face communication is shifting significantly to text/online, then we need to recognize to what extent that is cutting into our ability to meet those needs. On one hand that could lead a person to text less, but I think this is likely impractical for younger generations. The social expectation is to text. So on the other hand one needs to then consider the sophistication of their texting/online communication. I think this apsect of my answer might relate to what is being reported on in this NPR article: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/05/01/606588504/americans-are-a-lonely-lot-and-young-people-bear-the-heaviest-burden&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Americans Are A Lonely Lot, And Young People Bear The Heaviest Burden&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in conclusion, since I had to provide some theory here to support my answer, my answer is that yes, reflective listening is applicable to texting, when and if you are relying on it to satisfy basic needs, and you can and probably should metacommunicate with the people that really matter to you. Metacommunication, to be clear, simply means communicate about your communication. Its like doing an obstacle course that requires cooperation, and you discuss your strategy for getting through the course ahead of time (or in the middle when you realize you're not being successful).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17407" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T13:12:44.720" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14053" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14054" CreationDate="2018-05-04T13:45:09.683" Score="7" ViewCount="1703" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have a new colleague. He comes from another region (same country: Germany) and is rather outgoing: He talks a lot (sometimes too much), is generally very friendly and is rather cheerful. He moved here, which means he has (to my knowledge), no social contacts here besides us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is: Everyone is annoyed by him. Whenever somebody talks about their weekend plans he immediately (and clumsily) asks if he can tag along, even though we have only known him for such a short time (few months). He does this so often, that people are more careful now when they say what they are doing in their free time. It is also painful to see all the rejections he gets (because he is asking so often) and the awkwardness that ensues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like him, but I do not want to hang out with him all the time. We did something once and it was fine. But I get why people are annoyed. I considered taking him aside and hinting at him that people do not enjoy being pressured into activities with him. People around here are just a bit more.. mellow, I guess? He is just so damn cheerful and enthusiastic that he annoys people. It surely is a hard situation for him, coming from a different region and settling into a group of people who know each other reasonably well and who also do stuff together in their free time. He seriously needs to step on the brakes, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference: We are all mid-20s or early 30s and work in a very small (&amp;lt;20 people) place. Most of us have nothing to do with him at work (most of us work independently) and social interaction is mostly during breaks, which we all have together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I approach him about his aggressive friend-seeking behavior?&lt;/strong&gt; I would probably say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Listen, Joe. You know that I get along with you quite well. But between us, I've heard colleagues complain about you asking about taking part in their activities all the time. In your region, people might be more outgoing, but around here people need some time to get acquainted. Maybe you should try to let things evolve more naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really do not want this to backfire in any way. From all the people here, I probably have the best position to tell him, as we talked the most.  If I screw this up, I might hurt his feelings. I really just want him to be part of our group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before he joined us, we sometimes organized small team events (bowling etc), maybe doing that will help people get to know him better? But he might also take this as another opportunity to (unknowingly) annoy people even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will probably do stuff with him in the future, but I don't want to be the only guy in the office he can hang around with. If he just were a little less intrusive, everybody would get along better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2967" LastEditorUserId="2967" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T08:02:02.480" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T09:02:13.820" Title="Co-worker is too aggressively trying to make friends" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14053" CreationDate="2018-05-04T14:00:51.980" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, your suggestion sounds appropriate to me, being honest and clear on the local customs is always helpful, and he can use your words to revaluate his expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you could do, is to ask him what his interests are, and direct him to groups or establishment that cater to that kind of interests, and that he might not know because he is new to the area. Example: he likes photography, and you might have heard of a photography group in the area; or he might like a specific sport, and you know where the gym/track/whatever is located in your city.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will give him the opportunity to have an activity in his free time that is not dependent on you, resolving successfully the situation for everyone involved: he has new acquaintances that share his interest in some activity to be done during the free time, and you don't have to be scared about discussing your activities in his presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We have a lot in common, actually. Which makes it hard for me to tell him about stuff that I want to do without him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might not necessarily be a bad thing. I understand the feeling of not wanting to be the only person associated with him, but you have to be clear (with yourself first) on why you feel that way: are you afraid of becoming &quot;uncool&quot; by association? are you afraid of the possibility of this person becoming totally dependent on you for any free-time activity? In the first case, it is more a problem you have to solve with your colleagues, rather than him; in the second case, you can resolve it by specifying clear boundaries, e.g.: &quot;I'm not available outside of this time slot dedicated to the activity&quot;. &lt;em&gt;There might be other reasons, this is just to discuss the first to that came to mind.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nevertheless, if he really is so outgoing, I would expect that bringing him to gatherings of people that share your interests (I can't be more precise without knowing, but I am assuming a public setting, not a private home meeting) will lead him to know more people, and possibly someone willing to share some time with him. Moreover, it is not given that you must have time available for him whenever he requests/expects it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9000" LastEditorUserId="9000" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T14:16:27.783" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T14:16:27.783" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-05-04T14:33:26.490" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think I can relate particularly well to this, I hate sudden changes of plan. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They make me very uncomfortable even if I didn't actually have anything planned for that time/date in the first place. (Unstructured time is not the same thing as a gap)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Were I in this situation, dealing with an acquaintance who keeps changing the group's plans at the last minute, it'd frustrate me no end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm generally quite stoic and tend to just tolerate such things, At worst I get a bit grumpy and selfish about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it &lt;em&gt;keeps&lt;/em&gt; happening then I would make a point of expressing my displeasure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your example of the cancelled road-trip, I'd have mentioned that I was really looking forward to it and disappointed not to get to do that. I'd mention it at an organic moment in conversation, preferably while both Tom and Summer are present so that everyone's aware of it and Tom is given opportunity to reinforce it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly it seems like the best solution is to not dance around the issue. Tell her up-front if it's a problem. Don't just go with it.&#xA;You came to the beach to go to the beach, this is what you want to do. listening to a band isn't what you want right now even if she wants it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be clear that you want to do the thing you came here to do and not be sidetracked. Of course if it sounds like fun then go for it, but if you're not happy about it then going along with it then doing so is conflict-avoidance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T14:33:26.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14053" CreationDate="2018-05-04T15:00:03.520" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should speak your mind in general, but always in a civilized manner. As soon as the next opportunity comes, tell him WHAT you think and most importantly WHY. Because you obviously care about him, but it's of no use for him unless you speak up. You think you will hurt his feelings, but in reality you will give him valuable information (as it seems like in this context or at your workplace). Friends who tell things straight up with real arguments is valuable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17499" LastEditorUserId="17499" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T15:07:07.487" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T15:07:07.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-04T15:40:25.483" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;T saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;guys only thing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and discovering&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This mutual friend mentioned T specifically said his girlfriend could come&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is clearly a conflict of logic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are rightfully intrigued as to why you are being omitted from this social event and you should be rightfully upset with your boyfriend for being OK with this in the presence of such a conflicting situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your boyfriend claiming that he's not going to &quot;get in between this&quot; signals to me that he may have some hunches as to why you are being omitted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you should have an open-minded open forum discussion with your boyfriend and ask him if he has any ideas as to why this situation is happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quite honestly, if &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; was your boyfriend then I would have rescinded my acceptance of the invitation in light of the conflicting information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your boyfriend needs to be willing to approach T and say &quot;I would really like my girlfriend to come to the BBQ. I understand that other girls will be present.&quot; Based on T's response your boyfriend should be willing to relay something back to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addendum per the comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a possibility that your boyfriend may not want you to be present at the BBQ so he could have asked T to not invite you or he is simply OK with the current circumstance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before jumping to this conclusion you should give him the benefit of the doubt and use the ideas from my initial answer to get an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is really up to you to gauge the circumstance but if it turns up that there is no good reason for you not being invited then it could be time to shed this poor excuse of a boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T16:34:57.870" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T16:34:57.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14060" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-04T16:06:14.747" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can go &quot;conflict aversion&quot;, or you can go &quot;rock and hard place&quot;:  When your boyfriend gets there and sees your mutual friend's girlfriend there, he needs to query &quot;Huh, you told Jane and I this was guys-only...  Guess we won't be watching the Baywatch slow-motion specials then?&quot; - T then has a choice between saying &quot;Oh, that changed because&quot;, or straight out admitting he was specifically excluding you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Feel free to substitute other embarrassing &quot;lads-night&quot; item/activity, or &quot;I'd have dressed up for the ladies&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point being made is &lt;em&gt;there are social norms that differ in mixed company&lt;/em&gt;, and T is being a bad host by setting the expectations wrong.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It's as much a faux pas as if he'd told you and your boyfriend that it was a black-tie affair, but told your mutual friends to turn up in jeans-and-t-shirt, and T needs to understand that this is wrong, he is not being &quot;sneaky&quot; or &quot;clever&quot;, and people &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; calll him out on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A very belated (and lengthy) edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reading the &quot;after-action report&quot;, my analysis - based on scenarios I have seen myself - is that one or more of T's friends acts differently in some way when their girlfriend (or a specific &lt;em&gt;combination&lt;/em&gt; of girlfriends) is present:  perhaps there is an activity that she does not like participating in, so she encourages him not to participate in it (the &quot;stereotypical examples&quot; shown on TV being things like watching sport, playing video-games, et cetera, although I have generally found interest to be evenly split across genders, but it could be as simple as &quot;doesn't like BBQ&quot;) and to keep her company instead - this led T to organise a &quot;guys only&quot; night, so that they could all participate in that activity, without having to specifically call out which girlfriend was excluded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, some of the girlfriends decided either that their boyfriends &quot;weren't allowed&quot; to spend time with their friends without supervision.  T then made &lt;em&gt;specific&lt;/em&gt; exceptions for some of those, based on a weighting of wanting his friend to come, versus whether or how much this particular girlfriend was &quot;part of the problem&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This then ties into the &quot;social norms&quot; section of my original answer - T was trying to ensure that they were favourable for his intent for the meetup, and &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; whatever normally transpires.  Since T did not open the party to all girlfriends, I &lt;em&gt;suspect&lt;/em&gt; that the girlfriend or clique that causes the shift in norms he was trying to avoid was not present.  (It might be interesting for you to see which, if any, of T's friends were not present because their girlfriend said they couldn't and &lt;em&gt;T &lt;strong&gt;didn't&lt;/strong&gt; make an exception for them&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;T is probably quite glad that, if he ever tries something like this again, you can be pointed to as an example of &quot;letting the guys attend on their own&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short:  if your boyfriend's friends all enjoyed (for example) playing chess, but one of their girlfriends found chess boring and instead ensured (deliberately or otherwise) that &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; boyfriend was keeping them company instead of having a game at the weekly chess meetup, then someone might organise a guys-only meetup so that they could actually &lt;strong&gt;play chess&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why some boyfriends did not attend alone can vary based on a &lt;strong&gt;lot&lt;/strong&gt; of factors.  Three important ones (but not the only ones!) to consider are:&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - The girlfriend also enjoys unspecified &lt;em&gt;thing&lt;/em&gt;, and doesn't want to &quot;miss out&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA; - boredom/loneliness: the girlfriend did not want to be apart from their boyfriend, due to a lack of other activities or friends available at the time.  This can be common in couple who &quot;do &lt;strong&gt;everything&lt;/strong&gt; together&quot;, and forget to also take time to be individuals&#xA; - distrust, or controlling behaviour:  one partner is hesitant to let the other out of their sight for some reason&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13039" LastEditorUserId="13039" LastEditDate="2019-10-29T17:46:46.990" LastActivityDate="2019-10-29T17:46:46.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-04T18:24:03.390" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask about the event after it has happened.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are looking for specific information that T has gone out of his way to avoid having to provide to you. In that context, I'm not sure that there is a non-confrontational way to get that information, as T is working to avoid expressing it directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will seem more confrontational to ask ahead of the BBQ because you will have a hard time avoiding the impression that you are trying to get yourself invited. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your true objective is just to know why you were (to all appearance) excluded, asking afterwards both avoids the invitation-seeking element and also makes it more plausible that you would be aware of the difference between what you and your friends were told-- it would be normal to hear something about the event from someone who attended, while your boyfriend asking T again has already &quot;used up&quot; the opportunity to casually double-check ahead of time. Repeated inquiries which imply T is lying to you are neither casual nor non-confrontational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for what to say, it would be easy to mention that Sara, Beth, and Emily had told you about the event, and you hope T wasn't too disappointed that his &quot;guys only&quot; event was crashed by women. In general, if you want to be less confrontational you will probably have to be more accepting of what T tells you at face-value. Forcing him to resolve a contradiction is inherently a confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Addendum:&lt;/strong&gt; There is a big difference between &lt;em&gt;asking a question&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;getting a reliably accurate answer.&lt;/em&gt; If your true objective is only to ask, then my advice above stands. If you are instead focused on getting the true reason (or reasons) for being excluded, or are hoping to attend the BBQ, my advice would be different (and would likely require confrontation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T18:24:03.390" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-04T18:27:06.683" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;2 options :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;T. is friends with the other girls that are invited&lt;/strong&gt; and wants to be only with first-degree friends. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings so he made up this “guys only” rule. In that case, T. is not very delicate but you shouldn’t feel hurt. Maybe your bf could say, “Oh but I thought it was guys only?” when he’ll see the other girls. T. will certainly feel uncomfortable and I believe it’s enough. Maybe he’ll get some additional info, maybe not and that doesn’t matter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;T. doesn’t want you to come at his BBQ.&lt;/strong&gt; Maybe you hurt him in the past, maybe he simply doesn’t like you or you bf’s behaviour when you’re around. Maybe T. noticed that you get all his friend's attention when you’re together and he would love to spend some time with him alone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that case, I wouldn’t bother either. You should not make a drama out of it and you should not feel hurt if your bf goes to his BBQ. It’s his friend after all. It doesn’t matter if every one of his friends likes you and/or wants to spend time with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually I think it’s great not to share every friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17466" LastEditorUserId="13415" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T19:13:38.557" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T19:13:38.557" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13963" CreationDate="2018-05-04T18:39:14.203" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;People having varying levels of physical contact preference. Some prefer a lot, some a little, some none at all. Generally, the closer you are to them (siblings, good friends), the more often you can expect it, but it really depends on the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is always the independence and strengthening of self-sufficiency that gives you a protective feeling of your space. People get less physical as their bodies get less active, and they settle. As mentioned in comments, some cultures set a norm too, but it's personal preference that will decide whether someone prefers more or lesser physical bonding - both giving and receiving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend should respect your boundaries if they know of them. By all means, talk to them and make sure they know you're one who prefers less. Forklift provided a solid way to verbally approach that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although as their preference is for more contact, they will probably slip up every now and then, as they're comfortable around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd probably just give them an unimpressed stare if they did that. If it was a longer touch and they kept the offending limb in contact, like hand on shoulder, just firmly take it off with your own hand, that normally brings about a realisation and perhaps a &quot;whoops I forgot&quot; type of apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Squirming away is a less assertion of boundaries and more repulsive response, so they might take it personally. In either case, make sure you don't embarrass them during their display of friendliness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6839" LastEditorUserId="6839" LastEditDate="2018-05-06T13:51:06.140" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T13:51:06.140" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-04T19:41:42.467" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't go if someone told me that other guys' girlfriends are invited but not mine!!!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question, with the assumption that your partner doesn't know the reason, I will start with my partner and ask him if T said anything about me or if I did something that might exclude me from the invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I didn't get an answer, then you have to ask T. But, before you ask him you have to ask yourself 2 questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1- Is T an important person to my life that I want to know why he didn't invite me? Or can i live with it because I don't care?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2- Is T the kind of person that cares and understands? After all your dignity &gt; all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17506" LastEditorUserId="17506" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T19:50:35.230" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T19:50:35.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14065" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14066" CreationDate="2018-05-04T20:09:52.460" Score="5" ViewCount="542" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few months ago, my wife's father and his girlfriend told us they wanted to get us a big leather chair for Christmas.  We didn't really want a leather chair, nor did we have anywhere to put it, so we told them &quot;We really appreciate the offer, but don't really have room for that right now.  If you wanted to get us a piece of furniture, one thing we actually do need is a coffee table.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And we sent them a few pictures of some basic white Ikea coffee tables, and we went a few months without hearing anything on that front.  Fast forward to last weekend, they came to visit, as they do 3-4 times a year, and they told us they had brought our coffee table.  The first thing we noticed while unloading it was that it looked nothing like what we wanted.  (completely covered in mirrored glass if you're curious)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the time, we didn't know what to say, so we just said &quot;thanks&quot; and left it at that, but it looks terrible in our house and we don't see any way that we'd be able to keep it.  We want to get rid of it, preferably selling it and using the money to buy the coffee table we wanted, but we don't want to hurt any feelings in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In researching what it would take to sell it, we found out that the table likely cost at least $350, which is 2-3 times what the tables we were looking at cost and is also likely a significant amount of money for my father-in-law (this is by far the largest gift we've ever gotten from him).  He and his girlfriend are both fairly agreeable people, but they kept telling us how proud they were of the table that they had picked out and how much they thought we were going to like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we get rid of the coffee table and explain our choice while keeping hurt feelings to a minimum?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17507" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T23:25:46.780" Title="How to get rid of an unwanted gift from in-laws without hurting feelings?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;in-laws&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14065" CreationDate="2018-05-04T20:27:57.877" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest having a frank discussion with the in-laws.  Keep in mind that this needs to be handled carefully (you seem to be aware of this) or the relationship can be damaged for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd start by saying, &quot;We really appreciate your thinking of us and getting us this table.  I don't really know a good way to put this, so I'm going to apologize before I even start.  This table is way more expensive than other models we were looking at and, as you can see, doesn't fit with anything else here.  I don't want to sound like we don't appreciate the gesture but, well... we really don't know what to do with this.  Can you help us out?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That makes it sound like you're asking them to be part of the solution and not like they're part of the problem.  It also says that you know it sounds like you don't appreciate it, which you state isn't true.  Also, it doesn't say it's ugly (which I'd want to do) and it's not what you wanted (which is true, but not the right thing to say).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might become angry and say something to the extent of &quot;it's obvious you don't appreciate our gifts, so we'll save you the trouble in the future&quot; or &quot;that's really ungrateful... we went through a lot of time and expense to pick this out&quot;.  The response to this is to not argue; merely repeat what you have said: you appreciate the gesture, but you can't accept it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest that your wife should be the one to have the conversation with her family.  That would make the conversation easier on her folks.  If it's you that has it, she needs to be there, nodding and agreeing with you.  Otherwise it's you against her family, and that won't work out well for you or your wife.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T23:25:46.780" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T23:25:46.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-04T20:35:10.410" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, do you actually want to know why you're not invited, if it turns out to be something you won't be happy about and/or can't work on changing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it's possible that there's some underlying reason you aren't invited that is open to being improved, it may also just be easier to accept that you aren't invited, take that at face value, and move on from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If you do want to dig into this potential can of worms, you do have an opening&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which would be to simply let T know that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;…a mutual friend of us and T asks me if I'm coming to the BBQ, since his girlfriend was invited but &lt;strong&gt;she wanted to know if I planned on going.&lt;/strong&gt; This mutual friend mentioned T specifically said his girlfriend could come, and that a couple of other girls would be there too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can simply present this to T non confrontationally and allow T's answer to speak for how you move forward from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For example&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey T, I was talking to M, and he said his girlfriend wanted to know&#xA;  if I would be at the BBQ too, since she's planning on going and was&#xA;  looking forward to maybe seeing me there. I was a bit confused, since&#xA;  last we talked it was going to be a guys only thing, so I told M I&#xA;  hadn't been invited so far as I knew, but let me know if that's not&#xA;  right since I don't have anything else planned yet, and…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which can be followed with any number of statements indicating your interest, such as &quot;I always like all of us hanging out together&quot;, &quot;I'd rather set the time aside for you&quot;, &quot;I haven't seen you in awhile and thought it would be a fun chance to catch up&quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is one way of basically saying &quot;look, I know you said this at the time, but now I'm hearing things from other people that conflict with that, so I'd like to know what's going on.&quot; This also doesn't lean on assumptions, particularly not negative ones regarding T, so it hopefully shouldn't put him into a place where he feels a need to act defensive, and leaves some easy openings for resolution if T wants an out for this. The last thing you want to do is make accusations based on what are no better than assumptions as to someone else's intentions especially when the situation is this unclear: focus on the impact to you of just what is immediately visible from your perspective, and keep it in that context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this to work, you have to genuinely approach it from a position of this being about your own confusion, versus one of making accusations based on assumptions you're arriving at due to the discrepancy. I also feel like the best approach is one of positivity (e.g. feeling like it would be fun to attend) rather one that opens up about your negative feelings such as of being left out. If you want to go there later that's up to you depending on how things go, but if I wanted this to resolve nicely I'd avoid it until it was clear that there would not be a nice resolution either way, personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sometimes helps to remind yourself of that positive posturing (either just mentally or even aloud) before starting conversations where you're currently feeling some hurt based on the negative feelings of where things are at right now (left out) and any negative potential assumptions that have formed in your own mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;T's either going to say that plans changed/snowballed out of control and you're invited/may as well come now too, that you're actually not invited because of some other reason, or he may just try to blow past it. If there's something else going on he may even get defensive anyway. All you can control in this is how you present yourself and your side, and keeping that focused in you rather than turning to assumptions about T.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's not one of the first two, you're going to have to either &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;be more directly confrontational. I would still suggest posturing it as something more related to your own perspective rather than assigning malice or other assumed actions to T, like:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;well this doesn't really make sense &lt;em&gt;to me,&lt;/em&gt; it seems like a direct&#xA;  contradiction that this is what I'm told but this is who is going,&#xA;  and being faced with that contradiction is making &lt;em&gt;me feel&lt;/em&gt; singled out, so if there's something else going on&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;please just be up front* with me&lt;/strong&gt; because that's better than being left&#xA;  to my own imagination on what it could possibly be&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(* I used &quot;up front&quot; rather than &quot;honest&quot; because some people are quicker to take the latter as you accusing them of being dishonest)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;or you're going to have to draw whatever conclusions you want to based on the behavior that's visible and move on from there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;T could choose to invite you after being presented with the discrepancy and tell you it's just a change of plans that never got communicated back to you, and you're going to have to decide whether you trust that to be the simple truth or not, and if not what that means for your friendship, because it's unlikely that ratcheting up the confrontation in regards to that would lead to anything either more truthful or of a positive outcome between you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11794" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T20:35:10.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-04T20:42:50.190" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My partner says that I should just ask T myself and that he's not&#xA;  going to 'get in between this'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wow.  No, your partner is wrong.  He is the one who is friends with T, he needs to ask.  It might just be a misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I think he needs to think long and hard about what it would mean for him to go if it turns out that you were singled out to be excluded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T20:42:50.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14065" CreationDate="2018-05-04T21:15:59.800" Score="4" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Using a false excuse is never a good idea.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Absolutely do not say &quot;it's too expensive for us&quot;, that just opens the door to a counter argument. Be real, you tried it out, and it doesn't fit/match with your plans for the house. Ask them if they would like it back, otherwise you will sell or donate it. There is no way to beat around the bush with something like this. Be polite. Any reasonable person would accept the return/selling/donation with minor hurt feelings, if any. If they're not reasonable people, you were screwed to begin with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, do not backtrack by adding other excuses. Excuses will be argued against. &quot;It doesn't fit with our decoration scheme, therefore I don't want it&quot; is very final, and not open for negotiation, as it's based entirely on YOUR opinion!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it's her side of the family, your wife should be the one to make the phone call. You should stand by during the call in case your input is needed on anything further (they want to exchange the table, get you a gift card, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7165" LastEditorUserId="7165" LastEditDate="2018-05-04T21:31:21.620" LastActivityDate="2018-05-04T21:31:21.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14072" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-05T00:03:07.643" Score="2" ViewCount="764" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may just be me being awkward, but me and this girl were shooting a green screen clip for a project, and I asked her jokingly, &quot;hope your not wearing green&quot;, and we laughed. And she laughed some more and said that she was, and you could tell that she wanted me to look (I kinda like her and she kinda likes me) but how do I look and see without being awkward or her thinking I'm a perve. The green was on her shirt across her breasts and I thought it would be weird to look. What do I do? P. S. I'm not that great around girls. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17516" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T01:36:53.863" Title="How do I react when a girl says she is wearing something and wants you to look but you don't want to be weird" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-05-05T09:52:04.230" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14074" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-05T00:11:12.917" Score="5" ViewCount="1288" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an American living in Germany and had an interview with a manager of a company yesterday. At one point, the interviewer asked me about why I chose to come to Germany. I explained the reason, and told him where in America I had originally came from. He then without prompting, &lt;strong&gt;stated but I must have been born in another specific country&lt;/strong&gt; (I am not Caucasian), and then proceeded to ask if the rest of my family also came to America from that country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thinking that he might be bringing up something in the position that might potentially use the language or cultural skills of that country (and that Germans can be quite direct), I went along with the rest of the interview and waited for him to explain why he asked. It became clear there was nothing relevant to the job at hand, it was an inappropriate personal question, and quite a racist one at that. My CV clearly states my nationality is American (for any visa questions), and the additional question about my family wasn't relevant to whether I will stay in Germany long term or not, as I had made it clear that I planned to earlier in the interview.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is waiting for me to follow up via email if I am still interested in the position, what is the best way to bring up this transgression and tell him that I am obviously not interested in the position and quite frankly disgusted by his behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15698" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-05T05:22:27.073" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T10:29:18.630" Title="Responding to inappropriate personal questions at an interview?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14072" CreationDate="2018-05-05T01:36:53.863" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a difference between looking and staring.  The first is generally OK, the second is not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, I'd be careful about assuming a girl wants you to look.  In today's climate, you can be accused of all kinds of things.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that that's out of the way: look at the shirt for a second or two.  Don't comment on what's underneath.  She wanted you to look at the green on her shirt, so it's most likely OK to take a glance and comment that &quot;Luckily that's not the same shade of green as our greenscreen, so we should be OK&quot; or &quot;hmmm... that might be the same shade as our greenscreen.  It'll be interesting to see what happens&quot;  That would generally be considered acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you were to stare at her chest or comment on that, that would be unacceptable.  Different women have different standards about looking at their bodies and different tolerances for commenting on that, so play it safe there and don't go down that path.  (After all, we're all unique with different tastes and standards.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T01:36:53.863" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14078" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-05T02:32:37.970" Score="10" ViewCount="3518" Body="&lt;p&gt;So my girlfriend is a feminist and I love her, she has feminist friends too and their reunions are as regular and fun as you would expect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I can't help to overhear some stuff that not only annoys me but truly hurts, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh yeah, women don't need men, totally, the human species don't need men now that we have artificial insemination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want her to ditch any of her friends but she could be more supportive of the value of men to society, or to life in general for that matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also don't want to change her, she's already a smart, sensitive person but a smart, sensitive person can only deal with issues in a smart, sensitive way if they're able to recognize there even &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't tried anything as of yet because the situation had not presented itself and my girlfriend has never made such type of comments herself. Overhearing was not intended. I don't want her to feel as if I'm blaming her for her friend's opinions, but her silence disappointed me a bit because it made it appear as if she agrees or finds it funny even when I think she doesn't, her silence allowed this person's opinion to seem like the strongest opinion in the room because no one objected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the person who made the comment, my girlfriend usually just says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She's a bit extreme.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it seems she just accepts that because she's close friends with the group leader whom is also an older friend of my girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've done some research and that is not being &quot;extreme&quot;, there's a word for that and it is called 'misandrism', which is not an insult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to sound irrational or insensitive while I convey this is a very real concern that hurts me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm relatively new in her life in comparison with a couple of the women of the group and I think she respects my points of view regarding many topics including feminism, but I still worry she'll take my observation as an anti-feminist remark because it has happened elsewhere with other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want her to be supportive of the value of men when there are no men present in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I have a conversation with my girlfriend where I am able to share my concerns with her in a way she will understand why I think this is a problem and encourage her to stick up for men when she's around friends who say dismissive or hateful things about men in general?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; On why some of the answers offered are not nearly close to be accepted.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Some suggest I go for the passive indirect approach of simply being a good example: I myself defend the value of women in front of a bunch of guys no matter how tough or stubborn they are. My girlfriend already consider me a great example.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Some suggest I should be better informed on how women have it worse and more difficult than men: I am very well informed, my girlfriend knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want her to start &quot;not all men&quot;ing. I want her to intervene with her own sensitivity to keep hateful ideas at bay. And I can't be putting words in her mouth, she will say whatever she thinks it is intelligent and sensitive to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A valid answer would be similar to&lt;/strong&gt; the one that offered a structured way on how to aim at the actual objective. That answer recommends I should set the tone by putting my insecurities on the table first and after covering that in general to strengthen our bond, then is offering some lines I could use to address the specific situation that I find in need of intervention. I've been considering accepting that answer, but it's still falling short and stopping at a warning that I might not be able to have a desired result. The only thing missing in that answer is how to encourage my girlfriend to make a positive change or influence their group, that's in the scenario in which she only needs some courage reinforcement and support from me. (Note that initially I didn't use the &quot;encourage my girlfriend&quot; phrase in the question title, that was edited by a moderator and it did help me to understand a little more on how to approach the situation, so thank you for that.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're Westerners, North American. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-13T17:02:57.187" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T22:16:22.797" Title="How to tactfully encourage my girlfriend to support the value of men when with friends who make misandristic comments?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-05T04:11:07.273" Score="-3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel 'above' causing a scene over this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is related to why you were not invited. You signal that you are above T intellectually, and you might have missed how it affects T.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I ask T why I was not included without causing a scene or being too confronting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well this is simpler than you might have thought; I mean, look at the question, the answer is embedded within the question... First you ask, politely and without prejudice, then, you don't make a scene when T responds. You respectfully accept his answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17521" LastEditorUserId="17521" LastEditDate="2018-05-05T04:20:11.737" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T04:20:11.737" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14074" CreationDate="2018-05-05T05:21:37.090" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, that tells more about that interviewer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such cases, one should tell them straightforwardly about their behavior. Obviously, the interviewer must be at good position and that kind of question isn't suitable one to ask. However, such rude question can also be a test about how do you react. Therefore, I will say that reply them in a calmly manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since, you're not interested in that position, feel free to mention that and then write something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On the other hand, you said that I must have been born in another specific country and asked me if the rest of my family also came to America from that country. This question is inappropriate and illegal to ask. Of course, you must have some special reason to ask that, may I know what was it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, you're asking for the reason in a calm way. If that person apologizes, then it's good. If they don't, forget it. You now know about their nature and are saved from working with that kind of person. In the end, I will advise not to get upset over the questions asked and if it is rude, then either give a humorous reply or ask for the reasons or both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T04:23:33.333" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T04:23:33.333" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-05T07:52:55.233" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless you become really obnoxious or assertive about party behavior, it seems odd T would even care if you came. If you are a party spoiler that is your answer. Otherwise one more gf of a friend should just not be important one way or the other to a guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, the uninvite could very well have come from T's gf, if you do not get along with her. On the dark side, your SO may have a new/old/possible gf coming to the party and T is helping him out.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Good luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17525" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T07:52:55.233" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14084" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-05T09:24:02.700" Score="-3" ViewCount="705" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's call this friend, lady A.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We begun as friends three years ago through a dating site but she was warm with her affections shortly into the friendship through the show of her handmade gifts to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the second month that we met, I've initiated a relationship but was rejected on grounds that my time abroad would span many years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the following week, I slept, dated and entered into a relationship with another lady. This relationship has since ended but in the three years I not only took our friendship for granted, being insensitive but also boasted my sexual escapade with other females to her to incite envy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet, in this period, I've also made it obviously known that I have feelings for her and still cared for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since last August, lady A has blocked me on all social media platform - except Whatsapp. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I have recently got in touch with her via email on grounds of work-related matter and consequently chatted with her a bit via Whatsapp, she has again blocked me for &lt;em&gt;no apparent reasons&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This short contact lasted barely three weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To salvage the matter, I have called her to apologise last week but she refused to want to know anything in my life and felt no need for me to know anything in her life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have made known to her I would do anything it takes to mend the friendship and feelings between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one hand, I want to respect her decision but on the other hand, I would like to preserve this friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is my best course of action for any chance in mending the feelings between us?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There seems to be a lot of proverbial aggression by the posters against the actions I've committed. There is no doubt that my actions were harmful to her but I did what I did in a last attempt to protect myself - I've been in multiple positions where I've been rejected and told to &lt;em&gt;hang&lt;/em&gt; around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What transpired between lady A and I reminded me of the times I had to &lt;em&gt;hang&lt;/em&gt; around; to be told that I've disappointed her by entering into a relationship a week after being rejected reopened certain wounds. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The actions I took which, consequently, hurt her was a strong defiance of my ability to retaliate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Has she actually told you to &quot;hang around&quot;? (Comment by Em C)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She mentioned she doesn't want to know anything in my life nor wants me to know anything about her life but she also mentioned that &quot;we should just be acquaintance and speak once or twice a year&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lady is obviously hurt and I'm fully aware this is a delicate situation in which many things can go wrong. She should be given her time to heal and it seems important also for her to know that I was not behaving the way I did because I was a jerk by nature. I think I a penned letter explaining the rationale behind my past actions while reminding the little things I remembered about our friendship may be the last thing I can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17530" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-06T05:56:32.170" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T05:56:32.170" Title="etiquette in dealing with long cold war" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;estranged-relations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-05-06T11:57:27.370" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14087" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13726" CreationDate="2018-05-05T13:25:33.777" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make them maintain peace?&#xA;Class is a joint environment . You cannot ask everyone to be quiet just because you are irritated. When the staff are not there it is a student's right to use it anyway they prefer as long as they are not breaking rules. I suggest you not to try make them do anything. Unless you want other half to hate you. Control should come from inside not outside imparting them is a teacher's job not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I need to concentrate on my studies?&#xA;You can argue that they are not letting you do what you want. Well for the free hour you can probably ask the management if you can move to the library or some other location, explaining your preference for a quieter environment. Considering your academic performance and it's a free hour they shouldn't mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I  deal with such people?&#xA;Classes or not only for learning academics but also for learning social interactions. This particular scenario will also happen when you move on to work. You can quietly study now and be a higher performer.But  When you move on to work you can't be a high performer without managing people.you need to work on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is you find like minded people. You will have to work with people you cannot avoid them, you can't ignore them fully also.People are tough to get along with especially in a classroom environment trust me I understand. Just find people who are like you, sharing the same mind set. Even one will do. Most groups have something they have in common find one who are at least a bit concerned with studies like you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you continue doing well in academics and be successful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5279" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T13:25:33.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14088" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14053" CreationDate="2018-05-05T14:29:18.793" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;With what you've described, I've got an image in my head of the stereotypical Rheinlaender stuck in a small northern Bavarian village. The kind where people are still referred to as &quot;the newcomers&quot; after living there for 20 years. But then it could just as well be a personality thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's commendable that you try and help him settle in and acquaint him with the local customs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, stay clear of mentioning what people say about him behind his back. I've seen this backfire waaay to often. You never know if they are really serious or just want to bond over complaining, they'd probably never own up if he should confront them, and they'll see you as the snitch. Just don't go there. Keep it strictly about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; issues when you talk to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've heard colleagues complain about you asking about taking part in their activities all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd wait until he asks &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to tag along somewhere and then say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, this is really awkward but... I can't invite you along to the barbecue - I'm not the host. You know, culture here is a little different, around here people need some time to get acquainted. You'll have to go a little slower. I'm happy to meet up every once in a while, but I can't just bring you along to other peoples' parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make yourself your colleagues' spokesperson (unless they explicitly ask you, and possibly not even then). Speak only for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if there is a usual way to meet people socially, explain that to him. In the stereotypical village from my intro, social life revolves around the clubs (Vereine), especially the Freiwillige Feuerwehr. Suggest to him to join a club or activity that (ideally) suits his interests (sports, arts and crafts, tech, culture, whatever) where he can meet new people. Ideally, name a few examples and/or recommend a few.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastEditorUserId="1798" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T09:02:13.820" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T09:02:13.820" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14084" CreationDate="2018-05-05T14:45:37.413" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On one hand, I want to respect her decision but on the other hand,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop right there. Why is there an &quot;other hand&quot;? You admit that doing anything other than not talking to her would mean not respecting her decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You cannot rebuild a relationship by violating her stated boundaries.&lt;/strong&gt; She doesn't want to hear from you and she isn't interested in telling you anything about her life: There is no (ethical) advice I can give you for talking to someone that has explicitly said they don't want that. You certainly can't show her that you've changed and will be caring and respectful now by immediately going against her wishes, it will only drive her further away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your best course of action is to respect her decision, and let her decide if and when to resume contact.&lt;/strong&gt; From your description of events, she was likely very hurt by how you have treated her -- knowing she liked you, making clear you liked her, but then bragging about being with other women to &quot;incite envy&quot; -- and does not want to risk getting hurt again, &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; she even has feelings for you anymore. You've said your apology; the ball is now in her court to decide if she wants to unblock you and give you another chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, it's time to let it go and have this be a lesson for the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T14:45:37.413" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14091" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14094" CreationDate="2018-05-05T15:21:19.817" Score="7" ViewCount="646" Body="&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: I hope I am not offending anyone's religious beliefs&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all face tough times and abnormal situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I asked God to come into our lives and fix our problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really, I don't know what else to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family comprise of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hindu&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Hindus&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sikh&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Sikhs&lt;/a&gt;, if that's relevant. Lately I have been going more towards Sikhism because they believe in one God, men and women are equal and capable (among other things)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lady I know was very concerned about our chronic situation and she knows I am more on spiritual side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She asked me about whether I believe in Jesus Christ and I replied that I believe he existed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then she recommended I check out a pastor (videos on YouTube) who tells how he was a staunch Hindu and converted to Christianity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand people are touched by Christianity, and they have experienced miracles in their life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And different people gravitate to different religions, beliefs, or non-beliefs per their comfort deep within their soul.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly in my family, people were touched by Sikhism. 100 years ago when my great-grand mother's children kept dying at birth, she finally converted her newborn to Sikhism, and he lived (i.e., my Grandfather).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now, I am always calmed and more focused when I listen to daily Sikh prayers (they live-stream from Golden Temple, and copy is kept on YouTUBE). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't believe in preachers. They are only human. And it is my honest belief that if they were truly divinely touched by God, or a Higher power, they won't be going out trying to make money by being preachers, having website, selling stuff, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead they would do like Jesus Christ who went around, selflessly helping people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, if the lady brings up the topic again, how do I tactfully let her know, &quot;Yes, this was very helpful&quot;, so that she thinks she did wonderful job in helping me, while not bringing up topic again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12671" LastEditorUserId="12671" LastEditDate="2018-05-05T15:52:45.253" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T16:19:54.240" Title="Tact and Diplomacy when speaking about religious beliefs" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14092" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-05T16:05:35.263" Score="9" ViewCount="2810" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Objective:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Remaining amicably, for them not to feel rejection on a personal way neither on a philosophical level, so they can still gather at our home and discuss feminism and activism, keeping hateful ideas out. I don't want to make them feel I'm dismissing their whole political stand, I've taken feminist postures many times myself because I take the side of justice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now I feel used because it seems some of them only listen to me when I'm actively helping their cause under their terms, but if I offer this type of insight they shut me out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phrasing confrontational arguments in a polite sounding sentence would not nearly suffice, that's why the &lt;code&gt;conflict-aversion&lt;/code&gt; tag is there. I'm expecting a smart strategy that includes a way to measure success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I care because my community is in fact troubled with double standards affecting both women and men. I've found many hateful speech and attitudes being fed.&#xA;I'm not a fan of judging people, only ideas. Some ideas stand in the way for them to be listened to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't believe there are &quot;misogynists&quot; and &quot;misandrists&quot;, but people acting on misogynistic and misandristic &lt;strong&gt;ideas&lt;/strong&gt; I have no trouble debating this topic with men shooting themselves on the foot with misandristic comments coming from the &quot;macho&quot; spectrum, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah dude, we men are spendable, nature says so, wars prove me right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't know how to discuss with a feminist group saying things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Of course men are allowed to cry, but to be honest it kinda does make them less manly&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That will be done by robots soon and we won't need men.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is he good for if he can't (insert stereotypical manly skill)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found it very difficult to bring up the topic. In the past I did approach a couple of groups with this issue. Their answers were similar to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Misandrism? What is that, does that even exist?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That's an anti-feminist made-up word&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is the same as being dismissed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to explain what I knew about it and made the observation that it applies to both men and women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While trying to remain cordial and constructive during these discussions, there are individuals with a tendency to throw popular terms at me like &quot;mansplaining&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answering&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Telling you a word exists because the phenomenon exists is not mansplaining&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;didn't help. Defending my views become harder when you realize the word is not even included in most dictionaries (including apple's, windows, chrome's auto-correct tools).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The group I'd be approaching now has direct influence on a person I care about deeply, my girlfriend. They gather at the place I share with her usually after they have larger meetings. But I've also noticed those comments at larger meetings/gatherings (weddings, congresses, etc), not only my distant family but also friend's events and at other events where many women gather and men are minority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I approach an otherwise open-minded feminist group that seems biased against hearing about misandry?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T20:04:47.100" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T20:04:47.100" Title="How can I tactfully on a conflict-avoidance way, inform memorably a group of feminists some of their arguments affect our community because misandry?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;politics&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14091" CreationDate="2018-05-05T16:19:54.240" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I run into this sort of thing fairly often as an atheist and sometimes hopeful-agnostic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People find a lot of comfort in their faith, arguably one of the better reasons to have faith, and when you talk to people of faith about your troubles they're likely to tell you what works for them. Nothing wrong with that, if someone told me about their car trouble, and I had just taken my car to a good mechanic, I'd be likely to recommend that mechanic too. (Obviously a simplification, but you get the idea)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to find the simple act of talking about my troubles cathartic. Just being able to put it into words helps a great deal. For those familiar with rubber duck debugging, it's a bit like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much like your situation, sometimes someone will recommend a resource. A bit of scripture, an old prayer, a meditation, a poem, or what have you. Often I find them comforting, sometimes they really do have little kernels of applicable wisdom that help me deal with the troubles at hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When this happens, I usually just say &quot;Thank you&quot; and leave it at that.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that a lot of folks these days recognize that pushing the hard sell of their faith doesn't tend to work all that well. As in, they try not to push too hard because they know that may backfire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone does begin to push, sometimes a simple.reminder is needed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the kind words and [insert thing they recommended here], but I'm happy with my faith [or lack there of]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're feeling up to it, sometimes exchanging ideas and talking openly with someone from a different faith tradition can both demonstrate that you have your own faith that's meaningful to you, and open the door to some interesting conversations about what your faith and this other faith might have in common. Two birds with one stone, really good stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the kind words and [insert thing they recommended here]. My faith has a similar teaching, would you like to talk about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't always work out, but when it does, it often leads to some really deep and interesting conversation. If they're not interested in having that discussion, you still thanked them and mentioned that you have a faith that's meaningful for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T16:19:54.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14095" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-05T18:17:37.400" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Without knowing any more nuanced details than what you've given, I would still say that &lt;strong&gt;this is a discussion for you and your partner&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;T is primarily your partner's friend, not yours and your partner needs to take responsibility for getting a straight answer from T by asking these two questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Partner: Hey T, I heard that other girls/girlfriends were invited to the event. Is that correct?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Partner: Mind if I bring my gf then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make clear to your partner that this is not your responsibility to figure out, and that as your partner, he should be willing to talk to his friend to clarify this simple point.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your partner asks and you are still denyed an invite while other girls are invited, AND your boyfriend doesn't let this stop him from attending, then you need to have a separate discussion with him about why he's ok with his friend acting inhospitable toward both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2277" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T20:38:39.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14096" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-05T19:22:29.823" Score="7" ViewCount="912" Body="&lt;p&gt;Of the handful of phone calls I make every week, the one with my mom is by far the most socially draining; we always talk about the same topics every time: me, my pregnancy, her work, her finances and my dad or other family members. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find talking about myself to be particularly draining. I really don't like attention on myself and she just wants to know all about my pregnancy and how I'm doing. This can easily take up half an hour of just talking about me. I have tried asking leading questions about her (&quot;how was your week, how is dad/brother/etc&quot;) but we always end up in exactly the same set of topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There really isn't much to talk about between the topics mentioned above. We seem to re-hash the same information and the same conversation week in and week out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to talk about &lt;em&gt;new&lt;/em&gt; topics, and I really like talking about &lt;em&gt;ideas&lt;/em&gt; instead of myself or other people. Every few months we'll stumble upon a topic that is outside of the above and it feels like such a breath of fresh air. My mom is knowledgeable about a wide range of things, so I know we can potentially talk about lots of stuff, but it feels like we are stuck in this conversational rut. (It seems like she's in &quot;mom mode&quot; where she just wants to talk about me the whole time and be all encouraging and fix all my problems, and it's really draining when she's talking like a mom and not a friend).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tomorrow I have another phone call with her, and I'm really not looking forward to re-hashing the same topics &lt;em&gt;again&lt;/em&gt;. I'm thinking about preparing a list of new topics to try and talk about, but I'm not 100% sure how to fit them into the conversation, and I don't want it to be boring for her either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I steer the conversation away from the same boring topics, and encourage my mom to talk about other things that she finds interesting?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T02:53:18.017" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T10:14:59.457" Title="How do I steer the conversation with my Mom away from the same few topics we always discuss?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14097" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14101" CreationDate="2018-05-05T20:46:49.910" Score="11" ViewCount="2148" Body="&lt;p&gt;In our group of friends, &quot;Mike&quot; always hosts game nights, study sessions, etc. The rest of us never can return the favor since we don't have enough space and privacy. I feel it's the least I can do to clean up after myself, but &quot;Bob&quot; seems not to. Mike always thanks me for doing my dishes and has dropped joking hints to Bob about cleaning up, but it seems he'd rather be put out than directly confront him. I don't think Bob would be reasonable to think he can be fully catered to as a guest this way since we're often over multiple nights a week, and Mike is gracious to the point of keeping a stock of snacks for us and even letting Bob and his wife bring over loads of laundry to do while we all visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's pretty offensive to me that Bob will use the kitchen to make something, and I'll come back in a couple of days to see his garbage and dishes are still on the counters and table. I'll end up cleaning up after him just so that Mike doesn't have to. Bob's even seen me doing this, and it doesn't seem to register. Since Mike won't say anything, how can I tell Bob politely that he should clean up after himself? Bob and I tend to be the only ones with moments of tension in an otherwise amiable group dynamic, so I don't want to be too abrasive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17540" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-05T22:15:38.500" LastActivityDate="2018-11-28T20:13:05.127" Title="How to suggest to friend that he should clean up after himself in another's home" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14027" CreationDate="2018-05-05T21:52:24.847" Score="0" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Literal answer&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell her that I'm willing to listen to her if she wants to talk about her mother, but leave her the option to say no?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pick a time when you are about to leave (preferably one where you could stay as leaving is optional; e.g. a run to the grocery store rather than leaving for work) and tell her then.  In English rather than español, I might say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm heading out to [whatever]. I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to do, but I want you to know that if you want to talk about your mother, I'm here to listen.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then kiss her on the forehead (or some other act of physical affection that is culturally and personally appropriate) and leave.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she seems eager to talk, you can stay and listen instead.  But this way, the pressure is off.  She can just let you leave if she doesn't want to talk at the moment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you get back, you don't need to say anything, but make sure that you express affection physically again (kiss, hug, whatever feels right) and she knows you have returned.  She may want to talk then.  She's had some time to think about it.  If there's something that she wants to say, you're there.  If not, you're still there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Other possibilities&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep your eye out for inexpensive things that you can buy as random gifts.  The ideal is something that is fiscally cheap but well tailored to her interests.  For example, if she is a big fan of unicorns, buy her a unicorn figurine or poster.  &quot;I saw this and thought of you.&quot;  The idea is to express that you value her.  You spend your time when you're not with her thinking about her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have any dead relatives, consider visiting their graves.  Ask her if she wants to go.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've been thinking about [whatever relative] recently and would like to visit the grave at [wherever].  Would you like to go with me?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she goes with you, you can put flowers on the grave or whatever is culturally appropriate.  She may suggest stopping at her mother's grave as well, and you can go with her.  This can work because it is you burdening her, so she may feel more comfortable burdening you back.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this, set aside appropriate times when you both are free.  Ask her what she wants to do with the time.  Some of the time, she may want to go visit her mother's grave.  The goal here is to set aside the time as being together, so she won't feel like she is burdening you with her mourning.  And if she wants to watch television or play video games, that's fine too.  Leave it open ended so she chooses.  If she doesn't choose anything, just hang out until she starts doing something.  Then help her with that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also may want to think up some anecdotes about that relative.  So if she opens up, starts talking, and then stops, you have something to keep the conversation alive.  Try to match her emotions.  If she's telling happy anecdotes, share one of your own.  If she's feeling guilty, try for an anecdote of you doing the same kind of thing.  The approach is &quot;I think everyone faces problems like that.&quot;  If she's feeling scared without her mother to fall back to, share some of your life worries (not about her).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's worried about being a burden, look for tasks where you could use her help.  Gender-traditional tasks include cooking and cleaning.  E.g. bake cookies to take into work to share.  That may or may not be appropriate here.  I don't know her, so I can't say precisely.  But look for things that she is better at doing than you are and try to create situations where it is appropriate for you to ask her help.  You should still do most of the work though, not just give her extra tasks.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider volunteering somewhere to do something that she will regard as a social good.  Ask her to go with you.  Church groups can often help with things like that, but there are non-church groups as well (e.g. environmentalists or other political causes).  Again, this should be something that she will find fulfilling.  I don't know what that is, but hopefully you do.  If not, consider asking a friend or relative of hers.  The goal here is to make her feel valuable to the world.  To think about problems beyond her own.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-05-05T21:52:24.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14097" CreationDate="2018-05-05T22:59:49.797" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try to start slowly. Lecturing your friends or confronting them for a problem that doesn't really involve you isn't going to look good for you, and could very well make Mike feel &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it this way. Mike probably doesn't feel comfortable enough to confront Bob on his own, so imagine what he'll feel if someone &lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt; does it &lt;em&gt;for&lt;/em&gt; him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, maybe Mike actually doesn't mind cleaning up, in which case you'll kind of look like a jerk for confronting Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So let's look at some indirect strategies that can work without escalation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Help Mike, Invite Others&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stand up and say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey guys I'm going to clean up our mess a little to thank Mike for always having us over. Least we can do is not make him clean up after us. Bob, want to help me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can include other names, too, not just Bob. However, &lt;strong&gt;be sure to specifically say the names of the people you are inviting to help.&lt;/strong&gt; Otherwise, you will create the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Bystander Effect&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask them specifically for help, then they will have to publicly say they are not willing to help clean up their own mess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Help Mike Drop Hints&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Mike drops a joke, add in. Increase the pressure. Mike drops a comment on Bob's mess, maybe you say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah Bob, what's it like having your personal own maid?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be careful&lt;/strong&gt;. You mentioned that you and Bob aren't as close as some of the group dynamics. Only do this if Bob can take a joke &lt;em&gt;from you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not be trying to escalate things, but if you piss Bob off, he might escalate them for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Talk to Mike&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you guys are hanging out and it's just you two, mention how you've noticed Bob doesn't help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask Mike if it bothers him. If you can get Mike to stand up for himself, it will be &lt;strong&gt;much&lt;/strong&gt; more effective. The problem really is between Mike and Bob, making a lot harder for you to help without looking like a jerk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as an absolute last resort, which you should at least clear with Mike first........&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Talk to Bob&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is really a difficult option. Again, this isn't your problem, so going to Bob and pointing out his offenses to another person isn't going to look well on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here's what I would do. Shift the focus away from Bob's behavior. Completely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you talk about Bob's behavior, AT ALL, he WILL get defensive.&lt;/strong&gt; When people get defensive, they stop being reasonable. So talk to him like you're on his side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, I noticed lately that Mike has to clean up a lot when we go over to his place to hang out. I'm going to start helping him so that he doesn't have to clean up after us. If you could help out, it would make things a lot easier and &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; help out Mike. He's been a good friend to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2018-05-06T00:49:51.607" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T00:49:51.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14104" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14128" CreationDate="2018-05-06T05:19:36.220" Score="2" ViewCount="2032" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a public post in Reddit, I feel that the content of a private message sent to me is necessary to illustrate my point. I haven't asked them whether I should public it or not, but my reply on their message hasn't been replied yet, and the account seems to be inactive since them. Since the public conversation needs to go on, should I quote the message anyway? I feel that this is OK both ethically and legally. Ethically because the content is appropriate for the public conversation, and legally because I am a partner in the private one. I can rephrase it, but quoting seems more trustful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I plan to write like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll quote a person that PMed me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Their entire message]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately they haven't replied since then. (/u/X: sorry for doing this without your permission, but I hope that you don't mind. If anything, I'll remove this.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Then go on with my point]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this fine?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="86" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2020-03-04T23:08:17.320" Title="Can I quote a private message in a public post?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;instant-messaging&gt;&lt;netiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14105" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14665" CreationDate="2018-05-06T05:19:40.097" Score="3" ViewCount="1495" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm about 26 years old. I don't know my day of birth. I just know I was born in 1992 in either &lt;strong&gt;October&lt;/strong&gt; or &lt;strong&gt;November&lt;/strong&gt;, because I know the birth date of my cousin who is around 1 month younger than me. My parents never wrote my birth date anywhere. I was born at home so there are no written records. All my documents have a fake date, &lt;strong&gt;May 20th&lt;/strong&gt;. Honestly, I don't like this date. October seems more realistic to me and hence I respect it more. Most of my friends know about both dates and this truth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to share my happiness in my real birth month (October) on a specific date of my choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On social media, I've already published my date of choice in October. My friends (&lt;strong&gt;except my new colleagues, so it's more about new people I meet&lt;/strong&gt;) seem to respect that, they wished me happy birthday on this date. Yet I feel embarrassed every year. I try to hide myself from October and May months, as I feel my friends will troll me for this by saying you have &lt;strong&gt;2 birth dates&lt;/strong&gt; in a year!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to tell my colleagues to celebrate my birthday in October, but I'm afraid they might feel I'm not being serious about it, that I'm manipulating my date of birth or be critical of me choosing a date that's not the one in my docs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm willing to explain the true reason for picking October to celebrate my birthday, but it doesn't seem good to explain every person I meet the same story as it would seem tedious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Given all that, how do I effectively explain to my colleagues that they should wish me a happy birthday on a different date?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17548" LastEditorUserId="17548" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T04:27:46.763" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T08:03:12.320" Title="How do I effectively explain to my colleagues that they should wish me a happy birthday on a different date?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;&lt;age&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14106" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14105" CreationDate="2018-05-06T06:34:51.367" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First - I really feel for you. I think all people have a need to know certain basics to feel connected to  life  - like, who your parents are and when you were born. It helps us understand our identity internally.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second - if this happened to one of my coworkers I'd be happy to celebrate their preferred birthday. Some people are really oblivious and probably won't even remember when you last  celebrated a birthday. I'm guessing you're younger than me (by the time you hit 30 no one worries much about what their coworkers think of them).  I personally would tell them the truth because I don't feel you should have anything to feel badly about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you aren't comfortable sharing this just make up something about how your culture or religion celebrates some extra day, or that you recommitted to a certain part of your faith that you abandoned previouslu and that it is so important to you now that you want to celebrate your birthday as this new date because it's the date you recommitted. People are nervous to ask about cultural stuff. But that sounds a little weird compared to the actual truth.  So, decide what feels right to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry you have to struggle with this. Something most of us never worry about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11140" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T06:34:51.367" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14107" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14104" CreationDate="2018-05-06T06:44:24.013" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have given credit where credit is due (like in your blockquoted template), then it is fine. In fact, you don't really need to sound apologetic about it. You can do something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quoting u/userX in a private message:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[message from userX]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Your point here]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would give the user credit &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; it would show that you are proud about using the information that they gave you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;IMPORTANT NOTE:&lt;/strong&gt; if the private message contained privileged information about the user that would not otherwise be posted onto the public conversation, it is best that you leave out / censor out the privileged information that was given to you, to protect their privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to convey this message to him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;u/userX: sorry for doing this without your permission, but I hope that you don't mind. If anything, I'll remove this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may choose to do it in a private message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T11:24:27.147" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14108" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14127" CreationDate="2018-05-06T09:54:14.357" Score="5" ViewCount="1133" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Introduction&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other day, I attended an onboarding session that teaches new hires the history and structure of the company, and also a high-level overview of product architecture, pricing and support contract types. This event happens several times a year and is always held by the same colleague; let's call her Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, the session was okay. Alice has a lively, engaging style of presenting that involved anecdotes and the occasional gag. She also tried to inject some interactivity to avoid a boring, teacher-to-pupils like lecture atmosphere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice is mumbling. She speaks loud enough, but she doesn't drop her lower jaw enough to articulate the words very clearly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that this is a problem because in casual conversation among smaller groups during breaks, several other attendees mentioned it. Yet in the session itself, nobody ever asked Alice to repeat something, or indicated they could not understand her very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe people (new hires &amp;amp; existing colleagues) don't really tell Alice there is a problem because of these facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Alice is the head of the sales department&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She was with the company nearly from the start, more than a dozen years ago.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Up until recently, she was the wife to one of the CEOs (they parted amicably). Her last name hints at it, so she even mentions it briefly in the onboarding session.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, as Alice has a very strong personality, people may simply not have the guts to tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really want to do something about it because I feel that the situation is bad for the company. However, Alice has just met me, so I don't want her to remember me as the guy who was nitpicking/critizing her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I make her aware of it in a polite and constructive way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I could talk to her in private (or more likely via chat as she is based in another location). How would I go about this to not insult her or sound condescending?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I could include my concerns about her mumbling in the feedback about the session content I plan to give to Jane, the HR assistant organizing the onboarding process as a whole (which also has other sessions). My idea was that Jane maybe knows better how to approach her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Additional Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not a new hire, but part of the management of a much smaller subsidiary company that was acquired a few years ago. Some of my colleages and I attended the event because our company recently moved in with the parent company, and Jane from HR suggested we attend because we might catch some things that are new to us.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15789" LastEditorUserId="15789" LastEditDate="2018-05-12T05:18:36.927" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T04:33:36.427" Title="How to tell colleague she is mumbling?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;criticism&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14109" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14122" CreationDate="2018-05-06T10:11:03.780" Score="11" ViewCount="2483" Body="&lt;p&gt;My high school 10 year reunion is coming up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I missed most of high school senior year due to a physical illness, the symptoms of which started the summer before. At the time, the diagnosis meant that I would have to try various treatments until I found one that worked for me as there was no cure. I eventually lost near 100 pounds and underwent relatively mild chemotherapy in addition to other prescribed medications with nasty side-effects. As I got progressively sicker, I spent more time stuck in my house and unable to go places because of high levels of physical pain. It was around this time that the two people I considered best friends &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghosting_(relationships)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;ghosted&lt;/a&gt; me, effectively preventing me from partaking in any events with high school peers (as they were closer to other people and I had been 'forgotten about' while stuck at home. 5-6 years after high school (and 5 diagnoses later), I was cured and my life has since approached full normalcy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About two years ago, I saw a snapchat from a mutual classmate, which alerted me that the two people that ghosted me were at a bar/diner close to my house. I went there and saw them, at which point they told me that they were wrong to ghost and would talk about it the day after. Come the next day, they chickened out. Since then, all of those classmates at the bar/diner that night have since deleted me off of social media. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The invite for the high school reunion came roughly a week ago and takes place in about 2 months. These are a few things that went through my head (&lt;em&gt;not my actual IPS questions&lt;/em&gt;):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that my attendance will prevent the attendance of some of my peers (such as those at the bar/diner). As it is a reunion and they were generally more popular/well-liked than I was by our peers, I expect more people are curious about them than they are about me. Do they have more of a right to be there than I do? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I do not think people outside of those at the bar/diner that night are aware of the ghosting. Could my (non-)attendance cause a domino-effect of events that would make others in my class aware of the issue?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If I do go, I would try not to rehash old dramas. But I'm not sure exactly how to act. Do I pretend like everything is cool, as if nothing ever happened? Do I say hi to them or avoid them?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now to my actual question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to go to the reunion and enjoy catching up with classmates. Regarding the people that ghosted me and their circles, I'm hoping to &lt;strong&gt;minimize the awkward tension&lt;/strong&gt;. I'm not sure how to go about doing so. This is the question I'd like help with the most - &lt;strong&gt;how do I act on my end to achieve this?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user7029" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T12:10:20.620" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T10:04:32.083" Title="Unsure of how to handle upcoming high school reunion after being collectively ghosted" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;&lt;reunions&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14110" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-06T11:29:32.083" Score="1" ViewCount="10717" Body="&lt;p&gt;When is it rude to speak a language that at least one person who can hear cannot understand? My family and friends generally are of the opinion this is rude behavior but I noticed with some new roommates and some answers to my previous questions some people do not have the same opinion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a couple roommates from Poland that often speak a different language that other people can't understand. They do this in the common areas, even when other people are near them. I was very surprised to see that the Polish roommates invite over guests who can't speak Polish and speak it in front of them. To me this is very rude because it's excluding someone you invited. This has happened on multiple occasions and it's not a brief thing but lasts for minutes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it cultural? Do some people not consider this rude? Obviously there's varying degrees but to me it certainly crosses the line when you invite a guest and in front of them speak a language they don't understand and the guest is left just sitting there awkwardly. I'm very curious how they interpret the situation and wonder if there's a way I can ask them what they're thinking? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's difficult to learn a language, but one thing that makes this different from what I've experienced in the past is that they go straight into the other language where other people tend to try in English and then use their native language after having too much difficulty in English. To put simply it seems they don't even try English, though they speak it well when they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-05-06T11:39:31.940" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T04:44:17.037" Title="When is it rude to speak a language that other people around do not understand?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;language&gt;&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="16" ClosedDate="2018-05-07T05:39:13.030" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14074" CreationDate="2018-05-06T13:11:08.823" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a case where the answer is much less relevant than the manner of answering it.  For better or worse, you can expect this kind of question/statement given your appearance.  The interviewer might have been testing how much of a problem the resulting interaction might end up with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what is your relation/contact with the interviewer going to be in future?  Are you going to be seeing more of him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While my personal recommendation might be to make nothing of this, if it bothers you, you might want to write something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Before making the decision to accept this position, I would be grateful for you to clarify for me to what extent your remarks about considering my ethnical background incompatible with my U.S. origin were representative for the company culture or rather part of the interview process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that if this was indeed in line with the personal views of the interviewer and/or company culture, he'll not touch you with a ten-foot pole afterwards and tell others to steer clear.  This may or may not be actually what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17554" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T13:11:08.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14074" CreationDate="2018-05-06T17:31:33.270" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may have run into a culture clash. The behaviour of the German interviewer was not what you as a US candidate expected. You were asked about where you come from and interpreted that as racism, which may or may not have been the case. Some groups that are &lt;em&gt;large&lt;/em&gt; minorities in the USA are &lt;em&gt;tiny&lt;/em&gt; minorities in Germany, and the reaction to members of tiny minorities is usually not racism, but astonishment and curiosity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you want to know what's the best way to bring up this transgression, tell them that you are not interested in the position, and disgusted with his behaviour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can just write that in an email. You can tell him what question you didn't like, that your are not interested in the position, and that you are disgusted with his behaviour. What will happen? If you had been interviewed by a racist American in the USA, that person would read your email and say &quot;mission accomplished&quot;. Being interviewed by a German with totally different background and culture, the interviewer will obviously know that you won't be taking the job, but might be totally astonished about your reasoning. Having not a clue what he did wrong, the interviewer would then think they are just lucky that you are not taking the job, and might be very hesistant interviewing people of the same background. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T17:31:33.270" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14116" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14110" CreationDate="2018-05-06T18:29:32.143" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is very cultural. I am in a bilingual relationship (I am English, my husband is not) and we have family members and friends right across the spectrum of understanding (including people who only understand one of the two languages and can't understand eachother). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find it generally it depends on who is part of what conversation and where they are. For example, my husband will automatically speak to his dad in their mother tongue, completely without noticing, and &lt;em&gt;even when other people are around&lt;/em&gt;. This is totally automatic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband will speak to his dad in their mother tongue if:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- everyone in the room can understand.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- other people in the room can't understand but aren't paying attention (talking to other people about other things).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if someone joins their group or comes within hearing range and is not doing something else/pays attention to participate, they will switch languages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The general rule is that if someone is part of the conversation 'group' (not part of another conversation, etc), then switch languages if they don't understand. The most commonly understood language is best. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; rude to continue speaking when another person is in the group and doesn't understand, unless it's inevitable (ie two people don't have a language in common) in which case it's a bit more complicated and you need someone to interpret for one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: this answer does assume that everyone's languages are clear-cut (ie: everyone knows what everyone else can/can't speak) which is fairly expected if you have a foreigner visiting who obviously doesn't speak the local language. That said, it becomes way more blurry if (1) some people only understand the language partially or have an intermediate understanding or (2) people don't know who understands what language. I've been in situations where  people assume I understand more than I really do and that may come across as rude when they just don't know. In those cases I make a point to ask what words mean so they understand that I'm not catching everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-05-06T18:37:34.410" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T18:37:34.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13928" CreationDate="2018-05-06T19:48:17.567" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Telling them that you are not going to help without them figuring out that you are not helping... That's a bit difficult to achieve. Try something easier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your problem is that helping them affects your own studies. My suggestion would be that quite some time ahead of the exams, you announce that you are willing to help people. &lt;em&gt;Up to one week before the exam&lt;/em&gt;. Tell them very strongly that the last week is exclusively for your own studies, and you are not going to help anyone. If they come two weeks before the exams, or three weeks, then you are going to help. But not in the last week. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when the time comes, you give help. The last two days before the last week, you tell everyone that these are the last two days of help. And in the last week, if anyone comes and asks for help (which &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; happen), you say &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt;. An absolute, no discussion whatsoever, no. You tell them straight that the weeks before you were available, and you told everyone that the last week is for yourself, and that it is disrespectful to ask you for help at this late stage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you make sure that everyone knows that if they don't get help, it's not because of your unwillingness, but because they waited too long, even when they were told so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T19:48:17.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14118" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14121" CreationDate="2018-05-06T20:01:07.693" Score="2" ViewCount="473" Body="&lt;p&gt;A doctor asked my mother to blow into a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spirometer&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;spirometer&lt;/a&gt;, which required a fixed (non-replaceable) tube inserted into her mouth. The doctor didn't sanitize it in her presence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But she didn't know how to ask, without offending the doctor, if this tube had been adequately sanitized (e.g. with disinfectants, and not only wiping with a tissue).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T20:08:57.223" Title="How can I tactfully ask doctors if their equipment have been cleaned?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-05-07T06:36:05.950" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14037" CreationDate="2018-05-06T20:01:09.310" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What hurts your grandmother is the &lt;em&gt;fact&lt;/em&gt; that your mother doesn't want to be contacted. That's the hurtful thing. That you &lt;em&gt;tell&lt;/em&gt; this to your grandmother is a tiny problem compared to that fact. So assuming that you are not lying to your grandmother, there will be some amount of hurt, small or large, but that is not your fault, and not something that you can avoid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would tell the grandmother the facts: That you talked to your mother, and she doesn't want to be contacted. That you gave the grandmother's contact information to the mother, so the mother can call whenever she changes her mind. And that the mother knows that you have the contact information, so she can contact the grandmother even if she throws the info away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I would add that you are quite willing to pass anything on to the mother, if the grandmother wants to convince her to allow contact. And remember, you haven't &quot;refused any request&quot;. Your grandmother asked you to talk to your mother, and you did that. The result is not up to you. In the end, they are two adults, and they have to sort this out themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T20:01:09.310" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14118" CreationDate="2018-05-06T20:08:57.223" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Doctors are used to all kinds of questions and behaviors from patients.  Take a few minutes and read some of the things that Emergency Room physicians have encountered. Also, keep in mind the things that they are exposed to in medical school and residency.  Physicians are trained in germ theory and epidemiology as well (the study of transmission of disease)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, ask yourself: given all that, how would a physician be insulted if you ask a question that's designed to help ensure that a patient remain healthy and maintain patient safety?  That's their &lt;strong&gt;job&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if you are worried about that, I'd suggest this course of action.  &quot;Doctor, I'm not sure about protocols and I am concerned about germ transmission.  When was the last time that device was disinfected?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if a physician find that offensive, I'd suggest finding a different physician.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-06T20:08:57.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14109" CreationDate="2018-05-06T22:41:07.677" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Quite easy to decide:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there anyone else you want to see and vice versa? Would you go to a party instead of a reunion with the very same people?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is yes, go, else don't go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does not make sense to go if ostracism goes on and you don't feel welcome. Don't let guilt you into participating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to go, the question remains how to handle the old friends. While it is bad behavior, people are scared of death, so isolation is unfortunately often experienced. But they had their second chance as adults and blew it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So whatever your personal style is, more polite (which is the recommended course here) or more forceful, make clear you have no interest in further contact anymore. You cannot trust them, they can only hurt you more, sorry. If you go, hang out with the people you like and enjoy your stay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: After the changes the main question is now how to act when the reunion is visited. I say beforehand that I don't think there is only one good way but several good ones so it would be nice if other answers with different viewpoints would be posted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To your first question: No, they do not have more rights to visit the reunion than you do. I think that in fact their higher popularity is exactly the problem why you are treated so badly. See, in high school popularity seems to be the an extremely important thing and I am afraid your old friends are still stuck in this worldview; it was &quot;uncool&quot; to have a dying friend, so they abandoned you (and in fact, if you are young, dying is downright scary because it reminds people of their own mortality). It is also often harder for people to forgive their own mistakes than forgiving others. When you unexpectedly popped up, they were reminded that they acted as jerks. Because they were popular, they will very likely also come even if you explicitly say that you are coming because it was their high time (strangely, for all what I heard of reunions, they are in fact often .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second question: As long as you don't say exactly what happened to others, I do not think non-attendance will be noticed strongly because there could be extremely many reasons why you could not come. Sick, other appointment etc. If you attend, then in fact the issue will be noticed, simply for the reason that you were a long time away and the behavior (see below) of the peers will be noticed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third question: I think there will be mostly two reactions which you must expect from the peers you are describing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Either hidden ostracism and conducting extremely private conversations when you are in reach.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(bad) acting and lying (&quot;Hello, mikey, alas, that I haven't seen you a long time&quot;) to avoid losing face.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you go, try to find someone who is interested and talk first with him/her to get relaxed, the very best is if you meet together beforehand and go together to the reunion. It really is a world of difference if you go alone or at least with someone who is neutral/friendly. In a class there should be at least one friendly soul which has outgrown the desire to be popular at all costs, the ideal person is also someone who knows other people and has a good social ranking. It has also the benefit that if the other peers defamed you (I have an inkling that something like that happened when the other ones dropped you), they have it much, much harder to isolate you. If someone meets you and finds you ok, it is much harder to convince them of the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one of the bad peers is appearing, simply say &quot;Hello&quot; and/or nod formally if someone looks in your direction or greets you. Nothing more, nothing less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the first thing happens, let it go. Don't force contact, but answer in return by ignoring them. Concentrate on the people you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the second thing happens (here I think other answers and viewpoints are quite appreciated), answer matter-of-factly if they are the two former best friends: &quot;You abandoned me when I needed you most, so please understand that I cannot forget that easily. Please leave me alone for this meeting.&quot; No further accusations or drama, simply don't continue talking with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are the others who thrown you out of the social network, be very wary, but listen. Perhaps they simply were told wrong things and apologize. Let your intuition guide you. If you have the feeling they are fake, get rid of them by an excuse (&quot;Sorry, I have seen XYZ.&quot;. &quot;Sorry, I must go to the bathroom&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the things of reunions is that many people did not change, but some did change unexpectedly for better or worse. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itFkfbs_hUc&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;And surely you must always expect the one thing why people are going to reunions.&lt;/a&gt;. (It's German, but you will understand it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastEditorUserId="8702" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T21:10:31.057" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T21:10:31.057" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14096" CreationDate="2018-05-07T02:39:19.820" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are in luck. You are already aware and assessed the situation, other people just usually don't realize they're in a conversational rut and simply get impatient with the person they're trying to interact with without knowing why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As cornerstones, you will use 2 concepts you already mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Mindset.&lt;/strong&gt; In my experience, changing the topic is easier than changing the mindset of a person. You already detected she's in &quot;mom-mode&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Transitioning.&lt;/strong&gt; You also mentioned an important word in your question phrasing, that was 'steering'. You will have better results in changing the topic if you do it gradually; that doesn't mean it will take ages, it just means you can use the same topic she likes to talk about as a foundation to talk about other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As an example.&lt;/strong&gt; If you want to talk about technological advancements, you can make the topic relevant to what your child will be doing with that technology in the future or how it could change how families communicate. If you want to talk about some local environmental public policy you can start by mentioning how that could have an effect on your family and child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Eventually&lt;/strong&gt;, you will be surprised when your mom gets carried away and forgets you are even pregnant, for a few minutes at least. And in doing so, maybe even revealing enough about herself you can use later in another conversation to anchor the topic on more interesting ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T02:39:19.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14110" CreationDate="2018-05-07T03:03:57.153" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps, someone with experience in polish culture could offer more insight into polish etiquette.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Nevertheless&lt;/strong&gt;, you did ask something more concrete, universal and to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;there's a way I can ask them what they're thinking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes you can. I wouldn't phrase it as &quot;can I know what are you thinking?&quot; of course, but anyone with some english fluency can say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What was that all about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't forget the smile and a relaxed attitude. And you can prefix that statement with any other word that will suit the situation: Guys, Hey man, Dude, Excuse me Mr. Shlomowitz.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can even remark the fact they took too long talking in a language only they understand in an innocent manner by prefixing a 'so' with a long ellipsis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So... guys, what was that all about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They need to notice what other people feel when they get carried away in order for them to adjust their behavior if they desire to adjust, if they don't, then that's a different thing, but to answer your question, yes, you can and you should ask, otherwise you are indeed being alienated like you already suspect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T04:44:17.037" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T04:44:17.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14108" CreationDate="2018-05-07T03:42:23.440" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel this question suits better in another stackexchange site called &quot;the workplace&quot;, but it is not my place to migrate content, I'll leave that to the moderators.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Definitely do it through Jane.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not in a position where you would benefit much from any recognition on spotting this problem, this person is too well positioned to be considered a problem and you pointing out a problem being caused by an unpolished skill of this person won't be appreciated as much as the way you approach a solution, and the best way to approach is through Jane, as you already suspect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's not much else to consider. I would wish you good luck, but you won't need it if you do it properly though the HR agent in charge of the event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be clear with Jane about how this problem is not in your head and other participants expressed the same concern and it won't be such a big deal. If they take action, and they get her an enunciation coach or something similar, good, if they don't take action... well, sit on the front row next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T03:50:23.557" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T03:50:23.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14104" CreationDate="2018-05-07T04:11:27.407" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;The person who sent you the message could have posted publicly and instead chose to send it privately.  Even if you think there's no privileged information and the sender shouldn't be concerned, &lt;em&gt;that's not your decision&lt;/em&gt;.  &quot;Don't forward private email&quot; has been one of the basic netiquette rules for decades.  This is even stronger when a conversation started in public (on Reddit in your case) and somebody &lt;em&gt;explicitly moved to a private conversation&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to transmit information you received privately, without violating trust or upsetting people, your options are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Describe what you've heard in your own words and without attribution.  This is hearsay, which is probably ok if the matter is not controversial but usually not a good idea if it's likely to inflame matters.  This is also appropriate if you've received feedback that you're now going to act on, as described in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14138/106&quot;&gt;this answer&lt;/a&gt;.  In a case like that, it doesn't matter who it came from.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Get the person who told you to post it or give you permission to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're going to do the first, &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; quote verbatim.  Doing so could reveal the identity of the writer, either through the statements made or through &quot;tells&quot; of writing style, position, etc.  That, too, would be a privacy violation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying you need to be paranoid about what might well be an innocuous message.  I'm saying that you shouldn't decide on the other person's behalf.  Further, if you make a point of being careful about other people's privacy even when it doesn't seem to matter, they'll be more likely to trust you when it does matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T16:33:05.477" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T16:33:05.477" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14129" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-07T04:59:52.443" Score="1" ViewCount="605" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's been a long time since I have been in touch with my group of friends. I had been very busy for a couple of years due to my academic commitments, and could not keep in touch with my friends. I now wish to revive our bondings and again bring our memories fresh. Basically we don’t live far away from each other, though we live considerable blocks away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are all in our late-teens, early-twenties.. And due to my commitments I had no time at all to meet anybody from the group. We are all connected through social media with each other and have groups in common.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to know a way in which I can plan a meet up and make everyone join. So basically I would want everyone to join at least - &lt;em&gt;for old time’s sake ;)&lt;/em&gt;  so how do I approach my group in a way that no one has any invalid reason to say a no (upto a point if they are interested and I believe they are). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what is the best way by which I plan this meet up? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10244" LastEditorUserId="10244" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T13:09:59.797" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T13:09:59.797" Title="How to bring back the old friendships, after I could not keep in touch with friends for a few years?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14129" CreationDate="2018-05-07T05:11:07.103" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Focus on the things that made you close to your friends in the first place, did you approach someone because he used to wear t-shirts with movie characters? Organize a movie night. Did you get closer to them because you shared music taste? Go to a concert and grab a beer together afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember the good times and bring them in to the present, so your friendship will still be relevant today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMHO, you should not give too much attention to what those manipulators did now that it is obvious they failed. They don't ever deserve the attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it turns out to be absolutely necessary, because for example, some of your friends still have a wrong idea about you, the best strategy is to undermine the saboteur's credibility with whatever evidence you possess or with support by any of your friends who is aware of the plots that were set in motion against you. Now that those guys are out, your friends will prefer to believe you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have evidence, you will first need to work on moral support by someone who's got credibility inside the group. Once you have a top notch guy on your side, and you have the truth on your side, nothing can beat you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T05:26:49.257" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T05:26:49.257" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14131" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14129" CreationDate="2018-05-07T06:14:53.860" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, I contacted someone I lost touch with about 5 years ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It was really awkward&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't have this phone number, so I wrote an email. First, I apologized for losing touch over the years. Even though I know that my friend was never the initiator of plans (going out for drinks, movie etc.), I took it on me, because I know it was my &quot;responsibility&quot;.&#xA;Secondly, I told them that I hope that there isn't any bad blood (we never had an argument, actually) and that there should be no reason keeping us from catching up again. Then, I proposed meeting on &quot;neutral ground&quot; for a coffee. That way, if things got really awkward for anyone, they could easily excuse themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer was surprising and relieving: &lt;strong&gt;They were really glad I contacted them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We met up since then and it was nice. I think we were both happy to see each other. We still had a lot of interests in common and had plenty to talk. This also gave us the opportunity to talk about what happened in the last years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;: Contact them. Be defensive (don't blame anyone for losing touch) and remind them of your good times. The first step is hard, but in the end you'll know what's up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I kind of forget to talk about the &quot;manipulator&quot; aspect of the question. As I said, don't blame anyone. You can say people were involved in the reasons why you lost touch, but ultimately it will sound better if you take some blame upon yourself (even if, in your eyes, you are not to blame). If your friends know that you were not to blame, they will admire your humbleness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2967" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T06:14:53.860" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14078" CreationDate="2018-05-07T06:29:01.177" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There are really two issues here.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) your relationship with your girlfriend and how she percieves you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;2) her behavior with her friends and her lack of defense of men.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to #2, you are worried that she percieves you in a specific way. By not defending &lt;em&gt;all men&lt;/em&gt; it seems like she's also not defending &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. The easiest thing to do is to tease these two problems apart and deal with them separately. Indeed, &lt;strong&gt;her words spoken to her friends are not guaranteed to be an accurate representation of her opinion.&lt;/strong&gt; She may be a guarded around them and not want to cause conflict or oppose them. As such, the only way to know her opinion is to ask her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your comments it's clear that you are worried about being rejected by being sentimental or not manly enough. Firstly, be reassured that &lt;strong&gt;many people appreciate seeing vulnerability in their partners, especially in a private relational setting&lt;/strong&gt;. My husband's choice to show his vulnerability to me is something that I highly value. I see how guarded he is with others and how completely vulnerable he is around me and it makes me feel special.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, talk to her about your insecurity. Mention what you've said here. That you're worried that she'll reject you if you show her your sensitive/vulnerable side. Does it bother her if you're more sensitive? Does she mind? You can say in the past you've been hurt in this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that &lt;strong&gt;no matter what gender, human beings can be both strong and vulnerable&lt;/strong&gt;. My husband and I have both been through some really rough stuff that require strength of emotion and character. We also are incredibly vulnerable with eachother and (to varying degrees) with parents and extended family. A healthy relationship is one where both people can be relaxed and themselves, both in times of weakness and in strength. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you and her have discussed her views on the matter, then you can move on to asking about her and her friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't know you thought x, I was a bit worried because you don't really say your opinion to your friends. It made me feel insecure.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  What do you think of their opinions? Do they bother you?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I know that they're talking about men in general, not me in specific, but it hurts when you don't say anything because it feels like I'm included in their insults.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that &lt;strong&gt;your girlfriend may not group you with all other guys&lt;/strong&gt;. She may see you a special and different because you're her partner. Her relationship dynamic with her friends is a complicated one, and she may hold back her opinion from them for a variety of reasons. &lt;strong&gt;You may not be able to convince her to be more defensive of you to the extent you want or expect&lt;/strong&gt;. She is probably just trying to keep everyone happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T06:29:01.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14092" CreationDate="2018-05-07T07:08:38.777" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In politics, when a &quot;group&quot; grows, it tends to attract more and more people, those people come with their own views and take on the general idea represented by the &quot;group&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For exemple, Feminism is about fighting the inequalities met by women in society, as to make them 100% equal to men. But, since Feminism is so massive in number, there is many, many subsets, and every subset have their own idea of what &lt;em&gt;&quot;fighting the inequalities met by women in society&quot;&lt;/em&gt; means, and how they should go about it. Some subsets think that both men, and women are targets of inequalities, and unfair treatment. While other subsets think that men are innately sexist, and are the ennemy of women in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more a group grows, the more likely it is to contains at least some extremist subset. Those subset usually harbor a more hateful community, sadly, those community tends to be the most active, depicting a less than likeable idea of any group, to stay in the Feminism example, today, to stereotype of a feminist is a man-hating woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, confronting the group about their ideas, and how it makes them look to the outsiders eye won't help. It will either lead in you being dismissed, or in a fruitless debate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to help your friend, confronting that group is not gonna help, what you should do is talk to this person, and this person only, and try to reason with them. If they're not too politically oriented, they might listen to what you have to say. Don't forget that if they decide that they don't want to listen to you, there's not much you can do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way anyone decide to change their political views, is not when they're confronted about it, but when they decide to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to ask them to pick another group, and assuming they care enough about you, I would suggest you to be honest about the reason &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you want them to pick another another group. And how the ideas in the group they're currently in &lt;em&gt;affects you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Somthing along the lines of : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you really care about feminism, and I understand fully, but some of the ideas of this group are quite hateful, and biased toward other groups. If you started believing in those idea, and/or acting on them, I would feel terrible for X/Y reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could you maybe see if another group would not suit you better ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you don't accuse them of condoning, agreeing, or buying into those ideas, you simply tell them how you feel, and what you're afraid of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the reasons as to why it would make you feel terrible, try to be honest, and rational :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hateful ideas depict a wrong image of any groups, and lessens any message and/or voice they could/would have otherwise. (No matter how great, or right your ideas are, if you spit on another group, they won't want to join you).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How it would affect your relationship with them (if you have a significant relationship with them, such as a Romantic relationship, or a Friendship).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How those ideas makes you, as a person feel. (again, only if the other person cares about you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But always remember that, ultimately, it's going to be their choice, and theirs only.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T22:26:01.593" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T22:26:01.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14096" CreationDate="2018-05-07T07:12:50.523" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a common experience with parents or other relatives who expect updates on your life. She probably likes to discuss your life because it makes her feel connected to you, she's curious about any new developments, and it gives you something to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't do much about the first part, and some parents are very reluctant to limit the amount of updates they get about your life. But as long as you have many other things to talk about, your mom might respond to these steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make her aware of the problem. Say to her &quot;mom, my pregnancy / job / etc already occupies a huge amount of my time, and when we talk I'd like to relax and talk about other things for a while. I promise I'll let you know if anything important changes or I need your advice&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, the next time the conversation moves towards the topic, give some short response saying that everything is fine (or unchanged) and then move to some other topic that you'd rather talk about. Example: &quot;yeah, the pregnancy is still coming along just fine, last week o my way to the doctors I saw that there's a new show in town, have you seen that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she ignores your change of topic and keeps asking about your personal life, say &quot;mom, I've already told you all about this last time, there's really nothing new to say. Let's talk about something else for now&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To keep her trust in you, and have any hope of her respecting the boundaries you've set, you do need to proactively tell her any new developments that she might care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4613" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T07:12:50.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11005" CreationDate="2018-05-07T08:25:16.627" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with Astralbee's mention that everyone grieves differently. There is no surefire way to correctly approach &lt;em&gt;every&lt;/em&gt; grieving person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may have been inevitable that she was going to respond the way she did to your question. That's no one's fault, though I can see why you'd construe thaty ou caused her outburst.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, one tip though:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I asked a simple &quot;how are you doing?&quot;. It proved too much - she broke down and sobbed for quite some time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about the answer to &quot;how are you doing?&quot;. The correct response to the question is describing her current state of mind, which requires her to think about how she's dealing with her father's passing, which requires her to think about her father's passing.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;While the question comes from a good place, trying to answer it does the opposite of what you wanted it to. You wanted to distract her from what's been bothering her; but your question explicitly pulls it into focus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the situation, it would've been better if you'd approached her on a topic completely unrelated to her father or her current state.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The fact that she was attending a birthday party proves that she at least &lt;em&gt;tried&lt;/em&gt; to find a diversion, even though she wasn't able to actually focus on the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll use the example of my grandfather. He lost his wife (my grandmother) two years ago and was inconsolable fo over 18 months. Any attempt to console him would only cause him to cry harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My aunt focused on telling him how much we all love and miss her. That just made him cry more. My mom focused on where to go from here (he wasn't able to take care of himself, partly due to age partly due to the grief). That just upset him even more. My cousins brought his greatgrandchildren over, but since my grandmother was usually the one to play with them, they kids reminded him of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I took a different approach, and talked to him about looking for a new place to live. He had been a landlord (as a side job) for a few decades, and has always been an instinctive advice giver.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;He talked about tenant laws, explained some things to look out for, and started telling me stories of horrible tenants he had in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was perfectly capable of telling a funny story and laughing at it (not as loud as usual, but still smiling), because he was doing something &lt;em&gt;familiar&lt;/em&gt; (giving advice and talking about what he knows) that did not in any way touch on my grandmother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same applies to the neighbour girl. Ask for her advice (which puts her in the role of having a handle on things) with something she's very knowledgeable on (so she can feel like she has a handle on things), e.g. if she's a good cook, ask her if she knows how to improve an average recipe of yours.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It's about &lt;em&gt;empowering&lt;/em&gt; her, so she doesn't feel like she's a slave to the circumstances (which is often the root cause of grief) but rather in control of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More often than not, once you get them talking, they revert to their old selves. for as long as the current topic is their main focus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does find her way back to the sad parts (&quot;my dad always liked my cooking...&quot;), try to acknowledge what she says but reframing the core of her message (&quot;From what I hear, &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; likes your food. My attempts at cooking, however, ...&quot;).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People often have different mindsets that they're able to switch between. Some people are different at work than at home. Many people I know, when visiting a childhood friend, often revert to behaving the way they did back when they were close friends.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can subtly (without her realizing) making her shift her mindset.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She likely won't switch her mindset willingly (it can be interpreted as dishonoring the person who died), but if you can do it without her realizing, it is likely to give her a reprieve from her grief, which is what she most needs. You can't fix the death of her father, but you can offer her a short moment to focus on other things in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T08:35:48.063" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T08:35:48.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14078" CreationDate="2018-05-07T08:32:22.550" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all I want to state that to me it seems rather harmless banter. Sort of a bonding action of a group with fairly uniform view on one topic. This is not that any single one of the group has to think it is true in a honest 1-to-1 discussion, but it helps to elevate the group. &lt;em&gt;You know the infamous locker-room-talk&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this sort of behavior will appear in almost any group of people and it is always hard to decide if you just let it pass or go along with it, or if you make a stand. For example if I´m in a group of japan-car enthusiasts someone will make a derogatory comment about Porsche - I´ll probably laugh, even if I know it´s may not really be valid, as it´s harmless. But if someone makes a racist comment, I´ll surely step in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you now request your girlfriend to stand up for man in her group, you are effectively denying her to take part in those moments, which could alienate her from the group. A softer approach could be to let those moments pass, but put them into perspective afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Haha, yea sure - we may not need men but honestly I think I still prefer them to petri dish .. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To your question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I have a conversation with my girlfriend where I am able to&#xA;  share my concerns with her in a way she will understand why I think&#xA;  this is a problem and ask her to stick up for men when she's around&#xA;  friends who say dismissive or hateful things about men in general?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try the indirect approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be a good example. Don´t take part in any derogatory gossip yourself, especially when she is present. The most influential experience I had on this topic was watching a friend, standing up for someone everyone else was trash-talking about and who was not there.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let her know, in general, what you think of this kind of group comments. Especially that you find it disturbing if any of those comments are against a specific race, gender or (sexual) orientation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T08:32:22.550" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14104" CreationDate="2018-05-07T12:12:26.200" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe there are 2 main reasons why a user would send you a private message instead of a publicly available one (in the context of reddit or similar sites).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) They fear other users might jump the bandwagon on the negative part of their message and want to spare you the humiliation that might come with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) They don't want to become the target of people not agreeing with their point but think it's important enough to let you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the first case you don't really do anything wrong with quoting them directly (preferably with name to give them credit).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the second case you should never leave any identification on who wrote the message. If you do they might still fall pray and can't do anything about it. This will feel like a big violation of trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that you can never know for sure which of the 2 cases is relevant here as long as they don't confirm that you can quote them.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In that regard I agree with Monica Cellio's answer that you should be careful with publicly posting anything that was sent to you in private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do is decide whether the message itself is really important or only the general point it's trying to get across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the message itself is important, for example if you don't know if you interpret it correctly, then it makes sense to directly quote it. But I would anonimize it except if you have permission from that user (or know them well enough personally to know they wouldn't mind).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If only the main point is important you are probably better of not quoting the message at all:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have received a message/messages that my work lacks the rigor of a standard math paper. [continue with point you're trying to make here]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really wanted credit for complimenting/insulting/informing/... you they would've done so with a public reply instead of a direct message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T12:12:26.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14139" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14164" CreationDate="2018-05-07T14:16:38.210" Score="11" ViewCount="2767" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 29 year old South Indian, been living abroad for sometime now, born into a conservative family that's religious and is society influenced/fearing in that what the society thinks matters a great deal, to my parents specifically and certain things have to be done at a certain time because it is &quot;right&quot; and on certain matters, what they say goes or has to. While they are entitled to their beliefs and opinions which I try not to get involved with as there are things that I don't agree with, I am not comfortable doing what they want me to do because they think it is necessary and that's the right way to do. Given my age, this problem has reached its peak where now they want me to get married. Arranged marriage of course. While I personally have a lot of issues with many Indian conventions and traditions, I do not have a problem others following it as long as they don't force it upon me to do it. In my family, like in most families similar to mine, 26 to 28 years is about the &quot;right time&quot; to get a man married and soon after, upto maybe 3 to 5 years later, they expect that person to have kids. I am simply against the idea of arranged marriage or having to marry when one does not want to or to have kids. I feel these are the choices of an individual. But in families like mine, this becomes a family affair where the family pretty much ends up dictating the terms through different types of pressures most important being guilt tripping. Parents, they will have a certain idea of how their child's life should be. I understand that, but I feel by doing only what they want me to, I don't know where I am in my own life. I do not wish to change their mind, while it may help me a lot. Because they are free to have their own thinking but at the same time but I wish they did not try to change mine. Here are certain things that I thought are worth mentioning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My older brother got married at the &quot;rightful&quot; age of 28 a few years ago, arranged marriage and is planning to have a kid soon. So he is the &quot;good&quot; kid. Which means, I have the added pressure of someone already doing it as expected in my family and that I have already crossed that age.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;About a year ago, I tried telling them that I do not want to marry but it usually ended up being a Q&amp;amp;A session where I am asked for reasons and I present them some which are shot down with no regard and they give reasons why marriage is necessary. Although, my main reason is that I simply don't feel like it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In India, weddings are a big deal with requires months of preparation, hundreds of guests etc. This kind of celebration is not for me. If at all I want to get married, I would prefer that it is just the girl, myself, her blood related family members and those of mine. This I did not expect it to go down well and it didn't. I am thought of to be silly or simply gone nuts for thinking so. I have my reasons which are apparently impractical to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not planning to have kids. At worst, if my partner and I, really feel we need to, I wish to adopt. This again is seen as idiotic. And the question of &quot;If you have the capacity to have your kid, why adopt?&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Matches are found by families via their friends, acquaintances etc. The next thing is to share horoscopes between the two families and check for compatibility. When both families find them matching, they think that's sufficient for a marriage and once the families inform each other of their results, the families go visit each other to confirm and go ahead. In these visits, the potential bride &amp;amp; groom get about 5 mins or maybe 30 mins to speak to each other to decide if the other person is the right better half for them. And the emotional obligation is that we would usually come out with a &quot;Yes&quot; after the brief talk. This I find extremely difficult to take in as I do not believe it is possible to understand a person in such a short time. I told my parents that I needed more time maybe months before deciding and they did not agree to it. And I do not want to visit the girl's family before I decide she's the one. Because people around talk, and visiting and later rejecting is usually exaggerated by useless folk. While I do not care about what is talked about me, I care that such things may affect the girl very badly and future prospects for her may become more difficult. And considering the amount of problems women go through in India, I believe strongly that the girl should know what she is getting herself into and how many of us reveal the kind of person we are in the first 5 to 30 minutes of meeting another one?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Families think it is their responsibility to marry off their son/daughter. This mindset is very hard to change.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Guilt tripping usually includes and is not limited to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a. Saying that I am selfish to think the way I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b. That I do not respect my parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;c. Some grandparent wants to see me married before their time comes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;d. People are continuously questioning the parents as to why the son/daughter isn't married yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;e. Fear that the society or people around would end up talking nonsense and create their own reasons for why the person isn't married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;f. Parents have a certain dignity and respect which I shouldn't tarnish (this includes the idea of my having a girlfriend, which I do not but it is my preferred option for a marriage) or dishonor the family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;g. I have a younger brother too. So I need to be done with so that his life should not be affected. More precisely, parents should not have trouble finding him a bride because of me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;h. That I am not maintaining the culture of the family that I was brought up in and living abroad has somehow changed me. The fact is, I have been living abroad only for couple of years now while my beliefs and idea have been this way for far more than that. Which the family does not want accept no matter how hard I try telling them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want to know is how to be more assertive when I tell my family that my views are just as important to me in deciding how my life should be hereon instead of being forced to live a life envisioned by them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did tell my parents that I might compromise on the grand wedding because it is everybody else's dreams while clearly stating that I am not happy about it. When I agreed to do this, they said, I should not tell the girl that I am unhappy about the grand wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told them clearly that the kids option is something that I will not compromise with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I also told them, it is the decision of the girl who might be willing to marry. And I wanted to be honest with her and told them that I need to speak to girl upfront and be straight about my views so that she can decide if I am a good fit for her. Because the things that I am asking for myself and for the girl are quite extreme compared to our traditions. But the girl has to decide for herself. But given that it is an arranged marriage and the girl would primarily be of my parents choosing, I know this would be a traditional girl who would be hurt with what I have to say but I need to say it anyways so she is informed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But talking to a girl about this or for the time I might need before anything is even decided also seemed like a pretty radical thought to them and they said no. The initial offer was that I could talk to her for 5 or 10 mins when we visit the girl's family. When I said that is not enough time to understand a person, they said, &quot;Ok, 30 mins&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am hurting them. I am aware of this, I am not the kind of son they want me to be. Given the disparity in our thoughts, I may never be. But I want to remain true to what I believe in. There are things that I keep to myself despite wanting to be honest with them because, while they say &quot;be open and honest, we want to hear you out&quot;, when I start speaking, it is usually attacked with ways on how my thoughts are wrong and it is ok for me to be wrong, everyone makes mistakes and finally they try to convince me of something that I know I will not be convinced about. One of the things I haven't told them still is that I have been an atheist for more than 10 years. Religion, caste etc are things that I do not like associating myself with. I cannot tell them this, because I know they will try to convince my otherwise and additionally now, they would still think I changed after moving out of India. My mother is someone I think I can convince. While I believe she has her reservations, I think she may come around. Because she wants me to get married, that is her wish. When I do it or who or how is not something she insists on, at least not to me. My dad on the other hand is very vocal about his views and thinks that I have strayed away from my path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11916" LastEditorUserId="11916" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T16:23:27.453" LastActivityDate="2019-12-18T17:21:17.073" Title="How can I be more assertive when telling my family that I don't want to marry?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;pressure&gt;&lt;conventionality&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14139" CreationDate="2018-05-07T15:54:23.517" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I'm sure you know, cultural and family expectations are really hard to change. In your parents' case, it sounds like if they want to be open-minded then they'll take a ton of flack for it from the rest of their family and acquaintances. This shouldn't change what you decide to do (I wouldn't advise anyone to get married to appease someone else) but perhaps remembering this will help you deal with some of the push-back that they give you over this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be Firm And Honest&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to help your parents understand everything you feel about this. They might think you are just rebelling or whining, and if you are completely set that this isn't the life you want for yourself, then you need to explain it. They will probably not understand, as it sounds like this is a long cultural tradition that they've expected you to accept for your entire life, but do everything you can to show them that this isn't some rebellious phase, a fit you're having, a Disney fantasy, or anything of the sort. Be clear that you've made a decision on how to live your life, and that you aren't willing to participate in an arranged marriage or some imposed timeline on when you should marry or have children. You should probably try to help them understand that you didn't just start thinking this, and that you've always objected to the idea of an arranged marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Offer Alternatives&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not completely shut off to the ideas of marriage and a family (just that they have to happen on your own terms and timeline) then you should explain to your family that you are going to get married when you are ready and to a woman of your choosing. This may be easier for them to accept than the idea that you never marry and never have children (of course, if that's what you really want then skip this step). If you are open to it, consider promising them that they can be involved in setting up the marriage when you are serious about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show Love In Other Ways&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your family is very likely to take your rejection of this tradition as a rejection of them; perhaps they will think you are in denial of who you are, you're ashamed of your family, etc etc ad nauseum. Try to show love for them in other ways. Make sure to call and care for them, and make sure they know that you still want to be their son and part of the family despite the fact that you reject having an arranged marriage. Whether or not they accept that is up to them, but make sure they know that for you, this isn't a rejection of them or your heritage, it's simply an unwillingness to have an arranged marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't feel ashamed&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is kind of an aside, but a lot of people's families expect very specific things from their lives. For some families, the idea that you move to another state - under any conditions - is equivalent to telling your family you wish they were dead. Lots of parents have unrealistic demands for their children, and just because yours isn't a common one for the country you live in doesn't mean you should be ashamed of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T15:54:23.517" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14145" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14151" CreationDate="2018-05-07T16:52:49.160" Score="35" ViewCount="14533" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently a church musician (pianist) and have been at the same church for many years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is this one guy who quite frequently walks over to me while I'm playing, always making comments directed towards me such as &quot;you just get better and better every week&quot; or &quot;you have more talent in your fingers than I have in my entire body&quot;. For one, I have not been working on increasing skill or learning more difficult music for the longest time, so I can't possibly get better by the week. On occasion, I even intentionally play music so simple that I use only one finger to play an entire song, and he still &quot;compliments&quot; me. Every time he does this, it becomes so repetitive, somewhat dishonest, and worthless, and all I've ever responded was &quot;Thank you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's getting very annoying, and I find it more difficult not to roll my eyes or keep a straight face. I'm probably still going to respond with my best courteous &quot;Thank you&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This same individual has voiced his opinion to someone else (I've overheard) that he thinks music in church is such a waste of time, and is the reason why he and his wife don't participate in congregational singing or attend music concerts held in church. And no, never has he specifically said to me that he appreciates my performance or even my efforts. To me, if one regards music in church as wasteful, it makes no sense to compliment at all those involved in it. So, whenever he &quot;compliments&quot; me, I feel like like he's being dishonest, or, if he really means it, I find the frequency of the complimenting quite creepy. I want to say something, but I don't know how to approach this kind of a situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if this is pertinent, but I know that this individual believes and upholds the idea that he can say anything he wants, and if ever it offends anyone, it's their fault; and to anyone even requesting him not to say certain things, he regards them as taking away his freedom of speech. I know this because he voices out these sentiments on his social media accounts. For those of you who really want to know how he reacts when told he is acting inappropriately - he posts stuff on his social media like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I'm crazy, weird, etc. That's how I am. Deal with it. I'm not changing my behavior to please anyone.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;You're telling me to shut up or act accordingly, so you are attempting to take away my right to speak my mind.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Once again, Facebook reprimanded me for my behavior. They know nothing about my rights.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I admit that people think that I think I know everything and are upset about it. That's their problem. I know a lot and their knowledge is all false information.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, those are clear enough indications that he doesn't want to be corrected, and any such attempts no matter how tactful, is equivalent to infringing his rights. I'll just suck it up and embrace the awkwardness of playing along as usual - much better than getting into a fight with someone like this, and yes, he carries a gun to church as he makes it visible, so I'll choose my safety just keep playing along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, for those who want to know, how do I tell someone if I detect they're being fake? Most of the time, I'll say nothing and give them back a fake smile. Sometimes, I'll tell them that they're too kind for saying such a thing. Sometimes, I'll tell them that I don't feel that I come up to par as they claim. No, I don't tell them off that &quot;hey, you're being fake. Cut that out.&quot; But they stop complimenting me eventually. This guy doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do you conduct yourself when interacting with a &quot;chronic empty complimenter&quot; who also happens to get angry at any hint that he should change his behavior?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12615" LastEditorUserId="12615" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T16:17:24.493" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T16:17:24.493" Title="How to respond to &quot;empty compliments&quot; after many years of playing along?" Tags="&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14145" CreationDate="2018-05-07T17:15:38.303" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps instead of replying mindlessly, reply mindfully? Often, people just go through the motions with pleasantries without considering the content.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the following exchange I've witnessed more than once:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Amy: Betty, hi! How are you?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty: Good, how are you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Amy: Good, how are you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty: Good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Amy: Good!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty and Amy are so conditioned to reply to that greeting with &amp;quot;Good, how are you&amp;quot; that neither seems to notice it was asked 3 times in a 2 person conversation. It is mindless/thoughtless communication. It is not &lt;em&gt;useless&lt;/em&gt;, but the purpose of it is not to engage in meaningful discussion. Those who don't care much for this kind of conversation may be a little more thoughtful in their replies, and may not feel the need to reflectively inquire in response unless they are genuinely interested in the answer. When you give a thoughtful answer to a thoughtless question/statement, you can throw the asker off balance. It doesn't have to be rude, just substantial enough to be noticeably nonstandard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you just get better and better every week&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say (while smiling and friendly):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure that's true; I rarely play anything but these songs. Is there something specific that you've noticed has improved?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now he is put on the spot, but really can't accuse you of correcting him or disagreeing him. He's off rhythm, but it's just due to an unusually frank response to his thoughtless compliments. This conversation is now more difficult than he probably is interested. But it is not outwardly adversarial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you have more talent in your fingers than I have in my entire body&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could reply (again, smiling and friendly):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's certainly possible; I'm not sure what your talents are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here again, you have not corrected, disagreed with, or in any way asked him not to say &amp;quot;nice&amp;quot; things to you. But you have replied in a thoughtful way to something he thought nothing of when he spoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a caveat, I'll note that thoughtful responses like these to what is intended to be mundane conversation can become tedious to people if that's all you do. Sometimes people just want you to say &amp;quot;good morning&amp;quot; and it's perfectly fine to do so. But when your goal is to get people to think harder about what they're really saying, it can help if you think harder about how you're replying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T19:54:51.807" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14145" CreationDate="2018-05-07T17:16:43.387" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think I found the perfect solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said this person doesn't react well to being contradicted and that you are getting tired of the repetitive scenario. So you could harmlessly spice things up by reinforcing his superficial praising with your own appreciation in a more meaningful way, towards yourself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, I'm awesome!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something similar that you feel confident with for being true, if you are the humble type of guy, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm definitely better than last year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will have fun and will feel in better control without rationalizing the whole thing, just try it and you will understand what I mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will be punching his face summoning Loki, a punch that makes people laugh and not hold it against you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; OP just disclosed to me by comments I was right from the start to deduce the man has power in the church. So I'll keep my initial solution down below for anyone on the web who would find it useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The alternative political strategy to overthrow this bureaucrat would be the following:&#xA;If this person is perceived as having higher status than you (as in, people tend to listen to them and value this individual's opinion higher than yours) then the situation gets trickier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to make sure there are people with higher hierarchical status who value what you bring to your community, if they appreciate the time and effort you put they can voice your concerns to them and even ask them to speak on your behalf to mitigate this negative person's influence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An intelligent person will understand the positive vibes you bring to your congregation are more valuable than this other person's negativity, if it boils down to choosing between you or that other person, they will definitely chose you, and the other person will find themselves in the situation where they need to adjust their behavior or leave, that's their choice to make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, &quot;choosing you&quot; doesn't mean this person would be kicked out, it simply means the people you ask for support will take your side whenever pertinent, for example, if that person keeps expressing against music, so this person facing strong authority supporting the value of your participation will have to &lt;em&gt;leave&lt;/em&gt; the topic alone, and might even stop approaching you to ascertain dominance over you with fake flattery/compliments, out of shame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt; you do want to confront that person yourself, and you feel like you don't have much to lose whether they have any influence(power) on your church or don't, you can simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't appreciate your flattery&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And simply go to talk to someone else, leaving this person without the option to reply to you. And you need to accept this strategy will result in this person probably now disliking you, given the personality type you described.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet, you might want to avoid direct confrontation because according to what you described on your text, this person &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; have influence, at least you don't mention people reject their comments about music being a waste of time. A person who voices their opinions while the rest remain quiet, certainly display they have power and influence through silence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm not assessing the situation correctly, please provide more details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T18:50:41.723" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T18:50:41.723" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10782" CreationDate="2018-05-07T17:28:27.917" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lots of good clean answers here and thought to add a different side not really talked about...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As with many things, there is usually an unwritten law between male friends that you just don't date another's ex... it's &quot;bro code&quot;.  But of course, there are always exceptions to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time it's a waiting period of a few months... (depending on how long they previously dated for), other times, when you are all hanging out, it just organically happens and the group accepts this new course in life (especially if they all remained friends after the break).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As many people said, it always comes down to honesty as the best policy. I found myself in this situation once and chose to ask my friend first which he replied that he didn't care and saw it coming anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand your hesitation with asking your friend first. I too struggle with even getting the courage to ask someone to dinner, but here is where I may say something probably not popular but still needs to be thrown out there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to your difficulty with women, you are presented with one who is now a known single, and better yet, you know what her issues with the breakup are. You have an easy checklist of what to avoid and how to &quot;swoop&quot; in being everything she complained about with her previous boyfriend. You are familiar with her and probably have hung out with her a bunch being the circle of friends situation. So she is &quot;easier&quot; for you to approach than in other situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I am trying to get at is, the feelings &lt;strong&gt;may&lt;/strong&gt; be formed for her for the wrong reasons and may just be trying to cause you think she is easier to obtain as a girlfriend due to you knowing the shortcomings of the past relationship and feeling that you can show that as your strengths. If a friend getting upset is enough to cause you not to chase after a single woman, then I would have to question if you truly cared for her enough or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the way you have described your friend you said they are a good friend, but it sounds like your friendship is superficial in that it doesn't go deeper than playing video games together. At some point, you will need to decide if she is worth possibly losing a friend over or realizing that the situation is rooted in a deeper issue that should be addressed. My gut tells me it is the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you end up doing good luck and I hope it turned out well! I know my answer is several months later but I felt like no one addressed an alternative viewpoint that the feelings could be drawn from other intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T17:28:27.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14145" CreationDate="2018-05-07T17:29:29.773" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;Situations involving backhanded compliments are tricky because if you escalate things, the other party can play the victim quite easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you tell him to stop, he can just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well all I was doing was complimenting him and he made it into a big deal. What a jerk!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And other people will believe him, as they weren't there to experience the tension, buildup, and conflicting signals he's been throwing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want him to stop, without escalating things yourself, you need deflect those compliments. You need to show him you really don't care what comes out of his mouth. But most importantly, you need to do it politely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe you're already doing this, but make sure you're consistent and don't deviate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he &quot;compliments&quot; you, with a neutral face and tone, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And almost as quickly as it took you to open your mouth, direct your attention back to what you were doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He'll get the message, and no one can fault you for not making a big deal out of nothing. If the situation escalates, just stay calm and state the facts. He complimented you, and you said thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he continues doing it, I'm sorry, but there's really nothing you can do. Just be cold. If he wants to throw words at a brick wall every day, that's his problem. You can't let it get to you, and by being cold, he knows that it doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Also, be sure to be very grateful for genuine compliments and discussion.&lt;/strong&gt; He will learn that you can tell the difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T18:51:37.537" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T18:51:37.537" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14074" CreationDate="2018-05-07T18:02:22.107" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bringing up the interviewer's offensive question won't do you any good. Maybe you'll get a momentary sense of relief by expressing how the inverviewer's question offended you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But admonishing someone for their behavior will only have an impact if you are in a position of authority over them, which is not the case here. So there is nothing to achieve by doing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're dealing with a different set of cultural standards about what sort of comments are or are not offensive, and so there's a slim chance your indignation will resonate with anyone. Most likely, they will attribute your hurt feelings to cultural differences, and disregard your feedback.  At worst, you may end up burning bridges by insulting their employee, and doing so may hurt your networking prospects considering that you're still looking for a job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, take the professional approach, and simply reply that you are not interested. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am no longer interested in the position. Thank you for your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not need to provide any justification for saying no to the position. Keep it simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9707" LastEditorUserId="9707" LastEditDate="2018-05-07T18:14:37.940" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T18:14:37.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14156" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-07T19:46:41.363" Score="7" ViewCount="2763" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, a friend invited me to an event that was important to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said &quot;I have an appointment.&quot; but worry I may have blown her off. I didn't want to go into specifics - the appointment was for beauty (nails, etc). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is more important to me than going to her event. But if I'm forthcoming about the type of appointment she may think it's trivial compared to the event she was inviting me to. And I didn't want to instigate a longer conversation about my priorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, how can I say something like &quot;I have a prior commitment&quot; or &quot;I've had a long-standing appointment; sorry I can't make it&quot; without sounding passive-aggressive or rude or overly formal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17582" LastActivityDate="2018-05-12T23:59:45.580" Title="How to politely say 'I have a prior appointment' to a friend inviting me to a meaningful event, without going into details?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14092" CreationDate="2018-05-07T19:59:32.873" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, I have a lot of speculation here about who's saying this and why. Bear with me. Is this group of people actually gathering as feminists (&quot;We now call the Springfield Feminist Association meeting to order&quot;), or are they just a bunch of people hanging out? The gender essentialism inherent in all three quotations really doesn't fit with feminist theory, and so I'm guessing it's the latter. And I'm guessing they're saying these things because they think they're funny truisms (a.k.a. &quot;We should put that on a t-shirt!&quot;), but that it's not the main thing they talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Alternately, if this is a group for female survivors of violence or abuse, that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; explain some of the bitterness, but it would be troubling if group leaders were engaging in talk about men like this.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A respectful approach would be to suggest that these examples are out of character for them, juxtaposing their expectations about men to how they think people should be treated. That is, you have common ground that people should be treated fairly and that that doesn't always happen because they're given opportunities or judged based on whether they do what's &quot;expected&quot; for their gender. You're against those limitations when it happens to women, and maybe they haven't thought through that these (hopefully off-handed) comments about men are also limiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's some self-awareness (perhaps) about this in the comment, &quot;Of course men are allowed to cry, but to be honest it kinda does make them less manly.&quot; This is part of a problem that when we grow up in a society that has certain ideas, they often become part of what we feel. (One might even argue that this can be biological as well as social, yet that our feelings are not in line with how we want society to be.) If this is in the context of more formal political/ideological group, then a question they should be prepared to address is, &quot;Can we have a version of 'manly' that doesn't rely on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxic_masculinity&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;toxic masculinity&lt;/a&gt;?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;user3399 has some good discussion of bringing it up to your friend, rather than to the group. This is good advice, although if the group is hanging out at your house, say, it may be appropriate to raise this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the most persuasive thing for your friend would be to say that you don't speak for all men, and you know that the people in that group don't speak for all women. You respect and trust your friend and hope that they don't buy into it when that group that casually demeans men. (I'm treating this as, &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://captainawkward.com/2018/02/05/1076-the-xenophobe-in-the-group-chat/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;My friend hangs out with people who occasionally make racist jokes&lt;/a&gt;.&quot; If demeaning men is the main thing the group does, or if it is rampant, it might require an approach closer on the spectrum to, &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://captainawkward.com/2018/02/26/1083-and-1084-nazis-are-beyond-awkward-do-not-engage/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;My friend is hanging out with bigots and neo-Nazis.&lt;/a&gt;&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T19:59:32.873" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10782" CreationDate="2018-05-07T19:59:58.320" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The one important thing is to tell him &lt;strong&gt;with the minimum necessary amount of details&lt;/strong&gt;, because these are what stings. &quot;Since when&quot; is usually one of the necessary details - if the breakup is recent they will want to know if it started before or after. That's one reason why it's usually recommended to tell him before rather than after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also relevant: depending on the cultural context, 2 months after the breakup can be insultingly quick to find new love. This may or may not apply to the relevant subculture in your case, just keep your eyes and ears open to understand what the custom is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T19:59:58.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14156" CreationDate="2018-05-07T20:15:24.410" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've answered your own question. The responses you've suggested are all polite and to-the-point. There's nothing rude or passive-aggressive about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're still concerned that such a response might be too short or insincere, then you could follow up by offering to meet for another event. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have an appointment for that day, so I can't make it. How about we make plans for another day?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will communicate that you enjoy your friend's company, even though you are unable to meet for the specific event she suggested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9707" LastActivityDate="2018-05-07T20:15:24.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14163" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14186" CreationDate="2018-05-07T23:08:52.597" Score="84" ViewCount="19353" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like coffee and I live in Russia which is not generally a coffee drinking country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More often than not, when you ask for an espresso in Russia, you get 100 to 150 ml of liquid in your cup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The cafes as a rule have the good equipment: espresso machines, grinders etc., but for some reason the Russian barista's idea of an espresso is usually take a big cup and wait for the machine to fill it all the way up. Sometimes you get a warning &quot;you know an espresso is a very small cup of coffee, right?&quot;, which is a good sign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume most people who are not familiar with espresso feel cheated when they get hardly enough liquid to cover the bottom of the cup, so the baristas and the cafe owners have to account for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At one place I had to ask to have my coffee re-made, and the response from the lady at the counter was &quot;wow, finally someone who knows how to drink the right kind of coffee&quot;. But this is the exception rather than the rule, and most often you get pursed lips and avoided eye contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are places which know how to make their coffee, and I'm familiar with all of them which are next to the place where I live. However when I'm eating out and want to finish my dinner with a nice cup of coffee, or when I'm away from home, I'm at the mercy of the person operating the machine this day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel awkward when I come to the place I've never been before and try to tell the barista how to do their job. However, if I'm not specific enough, like in &quot;I want this cup to be filled this high, and I want it to take this long&quot;, there is a good chance I get a full cup of watery and bitter swill from a good-meaning person. And it's twice as hard when you have to communicate it through the waiter or the cashier rather than talk to the barista themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no problem being &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DleceyAO34M&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Ron Swanson ordering bacon and eggs&lt;/a&gt; if I know I have to, but there's always a chance the barista actually knows their job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;: how do I communicate that I'm ordering one sip of coffee and I mean it, without offending the barista?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;: you totally have to be really really specific and use absolute units of measure if you want your coffee made the way they make it in Italy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm speaking from experience. 4 times out of 5 if I'm not being that specific, I get my coffee severely over-extracted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Russia is a tea drinking country, words like &quot;small cup&quot; don't really translate from tea to coffee. 100 ml is a very small cup of tea but a very large cup of espresso.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the real problem is that the staff rarely if ever get complaints about being served too much coffee but get many about being served too little. If you don't assure them they won't get in any trouble by serving you two tablespoons of coffee, they'll pour you more, just to be on the safe side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best course of action is take the cup, mark the level with your nail and say &quot;could you please set the grind level one step finer than you usually do and fill the cup up to this mark here?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said before, I have no problem doing that if I know I really have to (say the second time I visit the place), but it's awkward to start the first conversation with a barista by making an assumption they don't know how to do their job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is how to avoid accidentally alienating the 20% of baristas who know what they are doing, given that the other 80% need the very specific instructions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17584" LastEditorUserId="17584" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T11:45:56.713" LastActivityDate="2018-12-31T16:18:14.750" Title="How do I ask for an espresso if there's a good chance they don't know how to make it?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;russia&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14164" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14139" CreationDate="2018-05-07T23:26:38.950" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have some acquaintances from India who have similar views to yours about bringing children into the world. For them it's an ethical stance about doing their small part in avoiding overpopulation. (I'm simplifying their ideas greatly, of course.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a courageous personal stance worthy of respect. It's also a radical stance that flies in the face of all (more-or-less) human customs throughout most of our history as a species. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, as you know, you are not just challenging your family with this, but also challenging the customs of your country and the world. It seems unlikely that you will be able to convince your parents or other family members that you are right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you challenge your parents on a trivial matter they are unlikely to say immediately, &quot;oh dear son, you are right about that and I am wrong.&quot; It may take a few hours or days for them to come around to your point of view. And that's about trivial things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On such a vast question as marriage and children, it may take your family centuries (literally) to accept your point of view. In the meantime your parents will be puzzled and hurt, and wishing it were not so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ask about being assertive. You will have to say something like, &quot;I have made up my mind about this. I am aware of your reasons for changing my mind, and with great respect, I do not accept them. I am willing to have an honest conversation with you about the reasons for my choice.  But I am not willing to negotiate my choice with you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will probably have to repeat those words dozens of times to the same people. Keep in mind that your parents' dreams for you will not be fulfilled. They will require a period of mourning for the loss of those dreams, before they can move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't expect them to agree with you, or even admit that your position has merit. And you can't expect them to stop using guilt to manipulate you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt; You asked, &quot;how can I be assertive?&quot; Please consider this: being assertive  is not being &quot;aggressive.&quot; Being assertive means speaking truly with personal conviction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to be assertive with family, because they will try to draw you into negotiation. They will try to draw you into a word game where there are winners and losers: where being aggressive helps. If they do get you to join the game they will work hard to win. And, for you to win the game you're forced to make them lose. That's hard with family. It's much easier, and more respectful, to avoid the negotiation game by refusing to play it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your choice is one of great courage. The future life of the world depends on choices like yours. I wish you continued courage and steadfastness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11382" LastEditorUserId="11382" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T11:06:10.960" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T11:06:10.960" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-07T23:45:34.220" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could pretend that you forgot the name of it when ordering:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could I have a very short and strong coffee .. hum.. sorry I always forget the name of it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if he doesn’t guess it, you can conclude with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt; Ah yes, an espresso please&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you give an explanation in a way they don’t feel like you teach them a lesson, actually it’s the opposite: they teach you a lesson and they’ll show you what’s a good espresso is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT: if you’re not George Clooney&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still avoid calling it an espresso (or whatever the name is in Russian). Just order a &lt;em&gt;short&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;strong&lt;/em&gt; coffee while insisting on the gesture. Or go for a pleonasm :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’ll take a short and strong Italian style coffee please&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17466" LastEditorUserId="17466" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T09:06:54.920" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T09:06:54.920" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-08T00:13:42.017" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tell me about your espresso. Do you make it the very small and strong way, or a whole big cup?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say &quot;small and strong&quot; or ask you what you want, you're good. If they say &quot;big cup&quot; you can order something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T00:13:42.017" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-08T01:47:36.113" Score="199" Body="&lt;p&gt;Either as an alternative or in addition to the other good suggestions, you can try phrasing the difference as something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you do me an Italian-style espresso?  Like, shorter and stronger than a usual Russian-style one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you avoid presenting it as “Your espresso is wrong, here’s the right way,” which may make the barista feel attacked and defensive, but instead as “I prefer a different style from the usual one here,” which invites them to do something positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12687" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T01:47:36.113" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14169" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-08T08:05:28.880" Score="-3" ViewCount="376" Body="&lt;p&gt;How do I ask my friend to respond to my Facebook message without coming off as needy when I know that he is constantly logging on and off FB and is not at work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17590" LastEditorDisplayName="user15922" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T16:26:23.857" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T16:26:23.857" Title="my facebook-addicted friend is ghosting me" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-08T08:46:42.567" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14170" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-08T08:09:51.663" Score="2" ViewCount="324" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find listening to voicemails on Facebook Messenger and WhatsApp very time consuming. In particular, the Facebook Messenger interface doesn't let me skip in the message if most of it is irrelevant to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People leaving a voice message tend to umm and aah, and the content of the message is generally less structured and coherent than text which can be edited for clarity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I politely ask people not to send me voicemails, and to resend their message as text?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The messages I'm receiving now are from friends as I'm not currently working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally explain that I'm trying to value my time more highly and that I find text messages clearer. (I'm still looking for a concise (yet polite) set of words to quickly and easily enter via my phone.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would I approach the situation in a work context or where the sender of the voice messages is my superior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4521" LastEditorUserId="4521" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T07:16:04.093" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T11:50:17.113" Title="How to ask people not to send me voicemails via text messaging apps" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;instant-messaging&gt;&lt;written-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14169" CreationDate="2018-05-08T08:50:40.433" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple : you don’t.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to react to someone who’s ghosting you is to stop messaging him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, you should respect the fact that maybe he doesn’t want to talk to you / talk to anyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, the less you talk to him, the more he’ll feel your absence and want to talk to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17466" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T08:50:40.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14145" CreationDate="2018-05-08T09:27:34.933" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just to play devils advocate, seeing the more &quot;deflective&quot; answers you got already. I would try to take him more earnestly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are having a shallow relationship so far (well, obviously - you don't even like/respect him because he does those stupid things). Try to deepen it and make it meaningful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to strike up an honest discussion with him. Not about the fact that he compliments you or about his facebook behaviour, but just about your common interests. I do assume that you are fascinated by your own music, or by the things going on in your congregation or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to move all those negative images you have about him away, treat him just like anyone you see for the first time, and chat with him, for as long as it works out. Steer the discussion away from any personal stuff about yourself. Get him to talk about him or his wife. Talk about your favourite music (or his). Show him some things your are playing, in detail. Show him how you sometimes are bored and play a piece with only one finger (have him play along, whatever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these are just examples, obviously you have to find fitting topics or behaviours for yourself. But do try to engage more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, it is about you gaining respect for him as a human being. Maybe understand him. Maybe you find out things about him that fill you with real understanding. It may not stop him from giving meaningless comments about your playing, but it may just lead to a more harmonious contact with him altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: worked for me for &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; difficult people. Not all of them, sure, but some. Even if their behaviour did not change, simply &lt;em&gt;understanding&lt;/em&gt; why they do it makes it easier to tolerate obnoxious behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T09:21:45.273" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T09:21:45.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14156" CreationDate="2018-05-08T09:55:35.623" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a situation we all face.  What are our priorities compared to other peoples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A funeral takes priority over most things, or a family emergency that must have direct attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People unfortunately lie about their commitments, and their priorities, so there is always a risk if you say you are busy it being miss-understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one wants to emphasis the desire to go to the event but circumstances force things otherwise, one can say, &quot;Unfortunately I am tied in to a commitment I cannot break or postpone, but can we do it a week later?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows ones commitment, and desire to meet halfway, even if you know it cannot be moved you are showing willing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T09:55:35.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14174" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14145" CreationDate="2018-05-08T09:57:10.720" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this already has an accepted answer, but I feel compelled to offer my own because I'm not 100% convinced the accepted answer is the &lt;em&gt;best&lt;/em&gt; way to deal with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a real possibility that any negative response you give to the antagonist in this case will be turned against you. But I think that &quot;being cold&quot; towards him is just as loaded as saying something back, because you &lt;em&gt;mean&lt;/em&gt; to do it. I doubt very much that the intention in the previous answer is to shoot this guy a cold look and then admit afterwards that is what you were doing. I imagine the idea behind the accepted solution is to be aloof and then, if pulled up for it, say that wasn't what you intended. But lying of any sort is not accepted as an interpersonal solution here (or officially approved of by the church last time I checked, but trying not to bring the religious backdrop into the answer!) There must be a better way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds to me like the antagonist in this instance may be complimenting you for a reason. After all, you say that he believes he can &quot;say anything he likes&quot;, so if he wants to insult you why doesn't he just insult you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you are aware that this man has told others he believes music in church is &quot;a waste of time&quot;, so he clearly has some issues with how things are run in your church, perhaps with individuals in authority, or perhaps his problem is just with authority in general. &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; are not the authority so right now &lt;em&gt;his issues are with other people&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best guesses on why he compliments you excessively and very deliberately are either (1) his problem with music in church extends to you and he's trying to feed your ego to see if you will do or say something he can find fault with, or (2) his problem is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; with you and his compliments are his way of saying that while he has an issue with the authority behind the music that isn't to do with you. Either way, I believe that &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; you say or do differently he could drag you into his issues while right now you are not strictly part of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer would be that you should continue as you are - say a simple &lt;em&gt;&quot;thank-you&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and do so with a smile. Don't be aloof, or cold, or anything that could be interpreted as such. &lt;em&gt;Be the better person&lt;/em&gt; in this scenario. He sounds like a troublemaker trying to find allies, but sooner or later it will come to a head. When it does, you don't want to be dragged into it in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T09:57:10.720" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14145" CreationDate="2018-05-08T10:09:34.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Miss-understanding.  People vary a lot, and some have various social and communication disorders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If an interaction with an individual over years is just a short interaction, then whatever this interaction is, if it is positive, great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would take the opportunity with someone who shows an interest to find out their interest in music and what they like about it.  Some are just tone deaf, appreciate musical gifts because they have none, and just want to show their appreciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So be very careful to judge or know where people are coming from and why.&#xA;And encouraging appreciation is a good thing, no matter how repetitive.  Too easily we down play those things that come easy to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So simply saying, &quot;Thankyou, I appreciate you like my playing, I enjoy contributing to the worship.&quot; would work very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T10:09:34.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14139" CreationDate="2018-05-08T10:21:26.130" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel for you.  Unfortunately you are talking individualism and social conformity.  You are either on one side or the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Individualism puts one's personal perspective, desires and life direction above obligations or belonging to your group or society and its rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the society I grew up in and is the principle I want my children to follow, because in the current world of opportunities, they can find real fulfilment and expression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents come from the world of arranged marriages, accepting one's Karma, and place, and submitting to the pressures all around.  In this world view you will be punished if you rebel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could bring the view of these two cultures to your parents, and show them why you are taking the path you are.  I personally respect both approaches which have their benefits and costs, and in various circumstances either can make sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, my mother liked playing roles and social conformity and one of my aunts spent her life being true to herself.  They never understood each other, and there was always a war going on.  So some of these bridges can never be crossed, and you just have to live with the price you pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T20:55:27.993" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T20:55:27.993" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14074" CreationDate="2018-05-08T10:29:18.630" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not going to tell you how to feel about the questions you were asked - you have the right to feel however you want to feel. However I would like to give you some things to think about, just so that you know for certain you aren't mistakenly throwing away a perfectly good job opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say in your answer that &quot;&lt;em&gt;Germans can be quite direct&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. So first of all, you accept that there is a cultural difference and that the interviewer may not think or speak the way an American (like you) would in the same situation. There may also be a language issue if he is speaking English as a second language or you are receiving German as a second. &lt;em&gt;Are you really allowing for that difference?&lt;/em&gt; If you don't think any allowance should be made then a second question to ask yourself would be &lt;em&gt;isn't saying that all Germans are &quot;quite direct&quot; just as much of generalisation based upon race as the interviewer assuming that your family may have non-American roots?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that may be worth considering &lt;em&gt;as a possibility&lt;/em&gt; is that the interviewer did not have your visa information. Even if you put it on your application form. I have conducted interviews in the UK (currently also in Europe!) and some large employers, notably government organisations, have a recruitment process that attempts to address prejudice or favouritism whereby the human resource department strip all age/gender/nationality information from applications before the recruiting managers handle it. Now, if there is a &lt;em&gt;possibility&lt;/em&gt; that the interviewer did not know anything about your nationality as stated on your application would you still consider any question about your nationality to be &quot;irrelevant&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, crucially, you say that he is now waiting for you to confirm your interest. Does this not sound positive? If he really was a &quot;racist&quot;, would you still be in the running for this job?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than me tell you specifically &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; to express your disgust at these questions during your interview, I am just going to simply validate your feelings by saying that I understand why you may feel this way, and tell you that if you want to express these feelings you are at liberty to do so. Nobody should have to deal with racism, and I am definitely not telling you to put up with it - but properly consider it again in context before you go down the route of expressing your disgust because it will almost certainly cost you the job no matter whether you are wrong or right about the interviewer. Technically, there are precedents for calling out racism at job interviews that could see impaired decisions overturned - but this is very, very hard to prove, especially when there is doubt (and if I'm wrong about any of the points I've raised, you have to admit it is still reasons for doubt). You have far, far more rights as an employee, and employers know this so why would anybody racist employ someone who could call them out as such?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T10:29:18.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14180" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-08T11:29:45.007" Score="0" ViewCount="353" Body="&lt;p&gt;Today I asked a girlfriend of mine a question over Whatsapp. I don't think the message matters but, it was along those lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did we plan to go to the cinema next week?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then found the calender entry for the cinema visit and she didn't read the question, so I though I could just delete my Question and no one will matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1-2 Hours later she just wrote me &quot;ok&quot; without any comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is very passive aggressive but I am not sure if I'm just overreacting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked her what she means with &quot;ok&quot;, but she didn't reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17594" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T11:44:29.553" Title="Is it passive agressive to just write &quot;ok&quot; after an deleted message?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;chatting&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-05-08T11:55:32.167" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14145" CreationDate="2018-05-08T11:32:32.560" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want the complements to stop, saying &quot;Thanks&quot; probably isn't going to achieve that - body language and tone can only do so much - not everyone is good at picking up on that and you are still, after all, thanking him for the complement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Responding with a &quot;sorry, what was that?&quot; (or &quot;huh?&quot; if you want to be less polite), because no-one likes repeating themselves. After this you can respond with &quot;thanks&quot; or one of the below.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Responding with a more indifferent &quot;OK&quot; or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Simply giving him a small nod, ideally with a slightly confused or annoyed look on your face&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this you simply continue with what you were doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat ad nauseam - doing it once or twice might be discounted as you being distracted or in a bad mood, so you should aim to do it every single time he complements you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives a somewhat neutral acknowledgement of his complement, so he shouldn't be as offended as if you had ignored it or responded negatively, and it isn't quite as positive as &quot;Thanks&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T11:41:10.687" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T11:41:10.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14108" CreationDate="2018-05-08T11:37:25.900" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Mumbling&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a problem with people and accents.  If ones ear is trained to hear a particular way of saying a word, hearing it with another accent can appear to be mumbling to some and to others just their accent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a Scottish man say ESure which sounded like Esher.&#xA;One is an insurance company, the other a place in London.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A presenter who has been given the job of explaining things to other people, probably has good enough articulation for most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest if you find them hard to understand, you ask others how they find it.  I once translated for a scottish guy who you had to tune into to understand, but non english speakers found him impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as far as correcting people, I would leave well alone.  If one has the&#xA;skills to help someone, one could ask if they had ever attended a course on&#xA;projecting your voice etc. for public speaking.  And if they show interest&#xA;give a few pointers how to improve the impact of ones words.  Some really&#xA;appreciate help, because formality and learning such skills seems to not be&#xA;thought of as a worthwhile skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T11:37:25.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14180" CreationDate="2018-05-08T11:44:29.553" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before rushing to judgement, consider alternative explanations. If she is reading WhatsApp on her phone, she might have seen the whole message in a notification on the top of the screen, which means she's read it but it is marked as unread for you. And she might then have written a quick 'ok' reply later without taking the time to notice that you'd deleted it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17585" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T11:44:29.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-08T12:03:03.407" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could play dumb.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Do you serve the italian style coffee, small cup, very bitter, only just covers the bottom of the cup? Forgot what they call it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you state what you need, appear to be ignorant of its name, and leave it open to them to educate you, while you are actually doing the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do like the other options as well, the dumb approach often lets people off the hook of not knowing the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T12:03:03.407" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14097" CreationDate="2018-05-08T12:16:37.403" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Mike and yourself are very good friends, and Bob is exploiting Mike and his resources.  Short term, people have excuses, long term, its ship up or ship out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some will play on soft touches and not realise they are getting something to help them which actually they have to be willing to pay back in some form.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The relationship is accept me and buy into my exploitation or have a blow up.  Bob does this in lots of areas of his life, but needs to know it is not acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My experience of people like this, in the end when things are removed from them, they bad mouth the others and accept no responsibility themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you will have to face this reality, either they open up to their needs and responsibilities or they will stop being part of the group.  It will eventually go there anyway, it is just a question of when you pick the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to breach the subject, is offer to help Bob some more, and find out why they have such an obvious problem situation.  You can sometimes find out things you did not expect and ways to help a friend better than they thought possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T12:16:37.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-08T12:25:24.517" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;The exact definition of coffee drinks heavily varies across countries. I heard stories of Austrians and Germans ordering a coffee in Italy and being disappointed at getting an Espresso. Seems they expected a 200ml mug of black or a Macchiato.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could ask whether they make Ristretto. Depending on where you are, chances are it will turn out exactly as an Espresso if they just go for it. If they are confused, you have an opportunity to ask for exactly what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6230" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T12:25:24.517" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14187" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-08T13:45:08.393" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think what you are looking for is the most &lt;em&gt;inoffensive way&lt;/em&gt; to order because this might skirt around the details and fail to communicate the point. I think you are looking for the &lt;em&gt;briefest, quickest way&lt;/em&gt; to convey the details of what you want. The briefest explanation should convey what you mean to a less-well-informed barista, but not make a more knowledgeable one feel like they are being lectured.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned in a comment that a Russian vodka glass is larger than other countries would use. But I'm surprised nobody has suggested using the word &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shot_glass&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;shot&lt;/a&gt;&quot;. Baristas in the UK (who are heavily influenced by American coffee chains) tend to use the word &quot;shot&quot; to describe one serving of espresso and when adding them to make elongated coffee drinks such as Americano or Cappuccino. I don't know any Russian, but I'm fairly certain this type of glass/measure is familiar around the world. I found the Russian word &quot;&lt;strong&gt;рюмка&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; and also I have been suggested the word &quot;&lt;strong&gt;стопка&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; in a helpful comment below as possible words for this measure but perhaps if you live in Russia you know a better word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like an espresso please - just a single shot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this needs any further qualification perhaps you could also maybe gesture and show the size you mean with your index finger and thumb, if this is not considered rude in the culture?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T21:21:23.017" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T21:21:23.017" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14191" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-08T16:17:28.933" Score="7" ViewCount="1027" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a happy relationship, so when I go to a nightclub with friend(s) I am not looking to pick anyone up, or dance with anyone other than the people/person I came out with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I go out to a nightclub, I'll sometimes be 'asked' to dance by a male I do not know. By 'asked' I mean they'll start trying to grind up to me - which I don't appreciate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the occasions that my partner is also there, I'll grab him, point to him, and start grinding next to him, which I find is normally enough of a signal to indicate that I'm not interested. Though, I'm not always out with him, so I have tried dancing closer to my friend - even grinding next to them - but with us both being female, this doesn't seem the phase them. I try mouthing no, this doesn't always work, or even shaking my hand in-front of my neck to try and indicate a 'no'. Sometimes I end up pushing them away, more than once as well, before they get the message. I could go get a bouncer, but that could entail leaving my friend, or by the time I reach them, the culprit has disappeared. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to try and avoid getting physical, i.e. pushing the guy away, as well as having to move though the crowd to find a bouncer if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I politely indicate to a guy that I'm not interested in dancing with them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16638" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T13:55:37.020" Title="Politely rejecting unwanted attention at a nightclub." Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;rejection&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14191" CreationDate="2018-05-08T16:35:18.563" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you heard the phrase&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not the mouth it comes out of, but the ears it goes into &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically it means that regardless of your actions or intents the way you communicate can often be misconstrued by the listener or other person. The reason I bring this up is because in a nightclub you'll be dealing with people who have been drinking. Now while this doesn't excuse their behaviour it can mean that they either don't understand what you're trying to say, or worse choosing to ignore it. Often times a refusal is taken as &quot;playing hard to get&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From experience, I'd suggest taking your dance partner and moving quickly and confidently a few feet further onto the dancefloor with as little communication as possible with the person trying to grind on you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember your personal safety comes before being seen as polite, don't be afraid to approach bouncers if need be. They're trained in handling these situations quickly and safely as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15670" LastEditorUserId="15670" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T11:58:36.743" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T11:58:36.743" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5149" CreationDate="2018-05-08T16:48:21.810" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a lot easier than you think. Your girlfriend is sad about the loss of her dog. What she needs and wants is someone who she can talk to, who listens when she says how sad she is about the less, who understands how she feels, who is just there for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What she doesn't want from you is any solution to her problem, any help to get over it. She doesn't want a new dog (at least not right now), she just wants you to be there for her when she needs someone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T16:48:21.810" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14191" CreationDate="2018-05-08T16:57:08.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest that your actions up to that point are polite.  You've tried indicating no, you've gone so far as to push them away, and they still come back.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest being careful about grinding up next to another female - some guys think that means &quot;she's a lesbian and I want to do a threesome with them&quot;.  So you could be, unwittingly, doing something that would encourage them.  (This isn't a comment on sexual orientations but rather a misinterpretation of the message you want to convey.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's assume that you want to continue to be polite.  First of all, if a guy comes up against you, I'd suggest moving away or doing the worst thing - nothing.  Literally, just stand there.  Give him the look of &quot;WTF are you doing?&quot; or even ask him that.  After that, if he persists, then move away.  If he wants to chat, I'd suggest, &quot;I'm sorry, I want to spend time with the people I came here with.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T16:57:08.553" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14195" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14092" CreationDate="2018-05-08T17:01:26.217" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Misandry is a tricky thing, but it's important to remember it hurts both genders. Next time you hear something misandristic, bring up how it hurts women.&#xA;However, how you phrase it is important. People don't like being told &amp;quot;that thing you said was bad.&amp;quot; That's probably a large part&#xA;of why plainly telling people they're being misandristic hasn't been working for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I'd phrase my responses as questions if you can.&#xA;I'm an adamant believer of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socratic_method&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Socratic Method&lt;/a&gt;. Hopefully, your question demonstrates the point you're&#xA;trying to articulate without too explicitly calling the person out for what they said. With luck, as they think of a response, they might also think&#xA;about the point you're trying to demonstrate. You can't change someone's beliefs on a topic like this overnight; I really think your goal should be to&#xA;get people thinking about the ways these statements affect people, and hope they open up to idea that they should cut back the amount of misandristic things they say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course men are allowed to cry, but to be honest it kinda does make them less manly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doesn't that imply women are weaker because they cry though?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That will be done by robots soon and we won't need men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well women do that work too, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is he good for if he can't (insert stereotypical manly skill)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you mean? I know all sorts of women who can do (stereotypical manly skill) too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea here is that misandry and misogony are two sides of the exact same coin. Cutting out offensive statements towards one gender almost necessarily cuts out the offensive statements towards the other. Although it appears these responses try to get people thinking about how their words affect &lt;em&gt;women&lt;/em&gt;, they're actually trying to get people to think about how their words affect &lt;em&gt;people&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these examples, you're bringing up how it's pretty unreasonable to split certain actions/roles up across gender. Using the way this affects women simply appeals to your audience; they're more likely to digest what you've said than if you were defending the gender they're making fun of. However, if you can successfully get them to think &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;Oh yeah. Why would I say (stereotypical manly skill) is just for guys?&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;, then you've accomplished your goal. It's less important now how you got your foot in the door. I'll admit it's a rather indirect approach, but I've found in cases like this one, direct approaches seldom work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T17:01:26.217" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14196" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14197" CreationDate="2018-05-08T17:38:42.147" Score="83" ViewCount="33576" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like to keep my apartment floor clean, as I enjoy walking around with bare feet after a shower without having to worry about them becoming dirty. As such, I don't like shoes beyond the doorway in my apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I have friends over they'll often forget about my no shoes policy and come right in with their shoes on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a shoe rack right next to the door as a visual reminder for those who come over and I also try to bring up the topic of shoes on the way to my apartment with my more problematic friends, but they'll still forget or not realize that I don't want them walking around the apartment with their shoes on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I enforce my no shoes policy to prevent people from coming into my apartment in their shoes?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; per a comment, here's an example situation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A typical example would be on the walk to my apartment when in conversation, I'll remember that the friend I'm talking with forgot their shoes last time so I'll interrupt the conversation with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By the way, just remember to take your shoes off when you come in!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll get an &quot;okay&quot; or a &quot;sure,&quot; while we're walking, but when we get to my apartment I'll open the door and start to take my shoes off while they come right in and begin setting up the game we're going to play. I would think that the reminder, along with me taking my shoes off myself would be enough, but I think they see it as I'm taking my shoes off since this is my apartment and I want to be comfortable, and they're thinking about the game we're going to play and so forget my warning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T17:16:35.790" LastActivityDate="2021-05-09T17:31:49.710" Title="How to enforce a &quot;No Shoes&quot; policy in my apartment?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-08T17:46:43.527" Score="114" Body="&lt;p&gt;My dentist handles this by handing people slippers as they arrive on rainy days. I think you can adapt the technique quite well. Get a variety of soft loose slippers with nonslip soles somewhere inexpensive like a dollar store, and some sort of basket or the like to keep them in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Slippers like this:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/ICkxT.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/ICkxT.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;slippers&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something soft, stretchy, that covers the whole foot (not something backless or toeless) and don't have to fit perfectly. Ideally some would be warm and some would be cool and you would have various sizes, and make them available for people to replace their outdoor-dirty shoes with, while covering up their long toenails, smelly feet, holey socks, or anything else that might make them feel embarrassed without their shoes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presumably people don't just let themselves into your apartment, you have to come to the door and greet them. So you could open the door and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey! Great to see you! Come in, come in! Do you need slippers [wave the pair in your hand or point to the basket of them near the shoe rack] or are you ok in just your socks?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they decline the slippers, stay where you are (sort of blocking the way) until they start to remove their shoes. Depending on the age of your visitors, you may need a little chair by the door for them to sit on while they take their shoes on or off. This chair or bench tends to fill up with stuff, so you can speak of it directly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can clear this junk off the bench if you need to sit to get your shoes off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're being welcoming, friendly, helpful and positive while making it clear that in your place, the shoes come off. Anyone worried about their sock situation can take the slippers to cover up the holes or whatever else they don't want you to see. Everyone gets the clear message about your norms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once someone kicks their shoes off, accepts the slippers, or sits on the bench, you can turn away to give them privacy in case they don't want you to even see their unshod foot for a moment. You can walk away from the door and move on to the next business, such as offering them a beverage or inviting them into the living room or whatever. It won't take more than a visit or two to establish the new habit, and then you might just let them in and ask &quot;slippers?&quot; since they might want them some days even though they hadn't before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T14:39:44.093" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T14:39:44.093" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-08T18:09:40.433" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd go with Peter's answer. But if you really want to ensure results, perhaps show don't tell. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a different, almost cute solution. Carry around a picture, maybe business card sized and laminated, maybe with a two line instruction on it. Show it to the barista with genuine enthusiasm. You'll be seen as a coffee loving eccentric, perhaps, but it might work! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, pull a picture up on your phone. Maybe that's less quirky (but definitely not as fun!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider something like the graphics on &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.follygraph.com/38-ways-to-make-a-perfect-coffee-2nd-edition#&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this poster by Follygraph&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8357" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T18:09:40.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14199" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14191" CreationDate="2018-05-08T18:37:17.273" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here are some tricks that may work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In case the guy is not alone, you can walk up to his friends and say you are really not interested. Most of the times these friends (specially if they are girls) will understand you and let him know that he should stop. From personal experience this method is extremely efficient.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could, for example, go to parties wearing aring. When a guy comes up to you simply point to your ring and say &quot;goodbye&quot;. Never tried in person, but I'm quite confident this makes a strong point. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he is alone and you've tried telling him multiple times to leave and it didn't work, simply scream &quot;LEAVE ME ALONE&quot;. He may get offended for a moment, but he'll probably understand and move on. I would still consider this to be polite, as you are doing him a favour having him save his own time. I've seen this happening to friends, and they understood the message.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a more &quot;meta&quot; level, you must understand that males approaching you in a nightclub while you are dancing without your partner is relatively normal behaviour. If that bothers you too often you could try switching the kind of nightclubs you go to. If you are in a bigger city, choose perhaps a LGBT friendly club. They can be just as much fun and there'll certainly be less guys trying to approach you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17601" LastEditorUserId="17601" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T13:55:37.020" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T13:55:37.020" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14200" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14206" CreationDate="2018-05-08T18:59:18.067" Score="4" ViewCount="10121" Body="&lt;p&gt;About 3 years ago when I broke up with my ex over text it ended with him sending a text that read &quot;Please don't ever talk to me again&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I haven't seen or contacted him since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A week after breaking up he texted me something along the lines of &quot;I haven't slept or eaten anything for days and I miss you so much&quot;. I didn't reply. A month later he mailed a package containing gifts for me and books that I had lent to him. In the following few months he sent about 10 more texts of similar content. I didn't reply to any of them. A year later he sent a text asking me to return a birthday gift he gave to me. I didn't reply and began blocking his number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two years later he sent me a very long Facebook message. I didn't read the whole thing because it was very lengthy but the content went along the lines of &quot;You hurt me/Our relationship wasn't working and I knew that but I still wanted it/You made me feel alive and took that away from me/etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A while back my friend was inquiring about my situation with my ex and she reprehended me saying that I was being abusive towards him by ignoring all of this messages. I told her that I didn't think his well being was my business and that I was respecting his request of &quot;Please don't ever talk to me again&quot; (Even though I very well know that his attempts at contacting me indicate that he does want contact and that the &quot;Please don't ever talk to me again&quot; is an excuse for me not to reply). She said that I was very cold and mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I currently continue to ignore any messages and attempts of contact from him. His phone number is blocked but he can contact me via social media and other means. He often deletes and creates new social media accounts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I want:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My ex to not contact me anymore (Ideally I don't ever want to talk to him again but I understand that I may have to in order to get this.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To not have my ex in my life (I don't want to be friends or to keep in touch)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For my friends to not think ill of me based on this situation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other notes:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't think he is dangerous and he has not attempted to contact me in person- it's just annoying to me at this point&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;EDIT: To answer a question- My ex and I do not share mutual friends and they do not know each other&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastEditorUserId="17375" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T20:28:34.343" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T21:27:06.030" Title="How to deal with my ex who told me to never talk to him again but still texts me?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-09T00:22:44.847" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-08T19:46:38.297" Score="72" Body="&lt;p&gt;Edited to respond to asker's clarification:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think &lt;em&gt;right when people come in&lt;/em&gt;, either when you greet them or walk in with them, a simple &quot;Can you please take your shoes off?&quot; will suffice. If you ask beforehand, people will likely forget, as they are excited for the coming activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking off shoes at the door is fairly common practice, so it shouldn't take anyone by surprise. That said, many people do wear shoes in their homes. Your friends are probably not purposely messing up your apartment, they are used to other places where they do keep their shoes on. So they will likely agree to your request. If anyone pushes back, claiming their shoes are clean, you could say &quot;I prefer you not wear your shoes in my apartment, even the cleanest shoes bring in dirt from outside and contribute to wear and tear on the floor.&quot; This makes it clear that you expect this behaviour from everyone, all the time. If they still refuse, you will have to decide if those people are still welcome to come over. You should also consider special circumstances, some people have foot or leg issues that make it very uncomfortable to not wear shoes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17033" LastEditorUserId="17033" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T17:51:46.757" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T17:51:46.757" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14200" CreationDate="2018-05-08T20:05:36.537" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she reprehended me saying that I was being abusive towards him by&#xA;  ignoring all of this messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend is wrong.  You ended the relationship, he has no more right to harass you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Continuing to maintain radio silence is the right thing.  I'd also stop telling this 'friend' about him contacting you.  She might be relaying what you say about him to him.  I fear your friend is one of those people who thinks dating a woman gives a man property rights over her in perpetuity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T20:05:36.537" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14145" CreationDate="2018-05-08T20:28:53.210" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this is a &quot;conflict aversion&quot; question, but sometimes a little conflict is what's needed.  Just like a pimple, I think this needs to be brought to a head and popped.  (BTW, according to my 20+ year experienced Registered Nurse sister, popping a zit is better than letting it grow out of control.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to choose a full session of complicated music, such as the &quot;Hallelujah chorus&quot; from Handel's Messiah.  Beethoven wrote complicated music for Catholic Mass, so I'm sure you can find appropriate music.  This doesn't have to be concert level music, just whatever you can manage while still sounding really good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then the following Sunday, pick a full load of simple music, something on the order of a beginner's version of Ode To Joy (also by Beethoven).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When Mr. Compliments comes by and makes his &quot;usual comments&quot; on the simple music Sunday, state something like &quot;You really think this is better than last week?  Interesting....&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes all that's needed is an obvious reversal of roles for the Id-10-T to realize that you know what they are doing.  Oftentimes, catching them in the act will get their behavior to come to an immediate full stop.  Fortunately, they won't like it anymore than you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't work in all situations, but I've found it works decently well in something as &quot;simple&quot; as this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if this person makes some snide comments behind your back about your comment, you should be able to weather that little bit of blow back by people realizing what a two-face the guy is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3616" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T20:28:53.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-08T20:59:46.767" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, if you're into slight smile on your face, you can try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please, I'd like an espresso, please, make it short, like a vodka shot [smile on your face].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you are very specific about the expected size. If the café knows what an espresso is, they'll be delighted that you want it. If they do not know, they will likely give you some weird looks, but they'll give you these looks anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have the same experience from Czechia, and this style of message has worked for me in many places.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3971" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T20:59:46.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14200" CreationDate="2018-05-08T21:16:58.837" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;My ex to not contact me anymore (Ideally I don't ever want to talk to him again but I understand that I may have to in order to get this.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Agreed - ideally, you would simply continue not talking to him. You are under no obligation to do so, as you've long since ended the relationship. In addition, sending him a message now will let him know that you have been getting the messages in the first place - which could give him encouragement, if he is determined to see it that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you decide to contact him to tell him this, send a very short, very direct message. You could even borrow his own words:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't ever talk to me again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend doing this via text message: unblock him, send the message, then re-block him. This is to avoid giving him any indication of what other platforms his messages got through on. That way, if he takes this as &quot;aha! she &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; talk to me if I'm persistent enough!&quot;, at least you've focused his attention on a medium that you have control over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;To not have my ex in my life (I don't want to be friends or to keep in touch)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not having someone in your life is fairly straightforward! It sounds like he hasn't been for a while now, actually. Continue blocking him whenever he messages you. Continue to not respond to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he persists in messaging you, you could consider options to escalate. This could include a direct and clear message as above, asking a third party to tell him to stop (e.g. one of his friends or family), or even potentially legal action if his behavior qualifies for a no-contact order or similar in your jurisdiction. (IANAL)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;For my friends to not think ill of me based on this situation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one you have the least control over, as you can't control how other people think. The best you can do is explain how you feel and hope they empathize or at least accept your choices (as I hope good friends would!). You could also try explaining it in terms of experiences they would relate to, for example, ask your friend how she would feel if her ex kept sending lovelorn messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might also be revealing to ask about your friend's reasoning. What good would it do to talk to him now? Why should you be the one comforting him? (Isn't that what friends are for?) etc. Perhaps they have good reasons, or perhaps they just haven't thought it through yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end: if he can't take a hint after &lt;em&gt;three years&lt;/em&gt;, the problem lies with &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt;, not you. Be confident in your decision to end the relationship! Your friends should be happy to see you happy, and see that cutting him out of your life was the right decision for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Personal experience: I haven't had friends urge me to contact an ex (quite the opposite, in fact), but I have had issues with an ex trying to contact me after we'd been broken up. Blocking and staying consistent - not even reading their messages - was best. If I read them, I got guilt-tripped into breaking no-contact, and every time I reached out it just hurt both of us - him, because I still didn't want to get back together, and me, because there were good reasons I broke off the relationship! At one point I did end up contacting an ex's parents because of some concerning messages he sent me, and they were able to handle the situation without me directly communicating with my ex. Thankfully the messages from him died down over time without needing to escalate further.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-08T21:27:06.030" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T21:27:06.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14207" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14209" CreationDate="2018-05-08T21:17:50.583" Score="3" ViewCount="835" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have never gone to a dentist, maybe just one or twice in my entire life. I found a dentist who has his office next to my home and in my desperation for my dental hygiene, I made an appointment for the next week with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I found another dentist who offered me the same service for a lower price. How can I cancel the first appointment that I made in a polite way? Please keep in mind that his office is next to my home, so it's probable that I could see him someday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14270" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-05T10:16:36.450" LastActivityDate="2019-03-05T10:16:36.450" Title="How can I cancel an appointment politely?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-03-05T10:33:26.487" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14207" CreationDate="2018-05-08T21:29:14.420" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Medical providers would be tickled pink to have you cancel your appointment rather than just not show up.  They receive many cancellations per week and are used to this happening.  When you cancel, they can use that slot for someone else.  if you don't show up, they lose money on that missed patient care opportunity.  So they have an incentive to be kind to you when you cancel.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to cancel it kindly?  Call the office and tell them that you want to cancel your appointment.  Most of the time, they don't ask for the reasoning behind it.  If they do ask, merely tell them the truth: &quot;I've scheduled this with a different dentist.&quot;  In decades of making and cancelling appointments, it's been seldom that I've even been asked that question and have never been asked a follow-up question, such as &quot;why?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T21:29:14.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14211" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14225" CreationDate="2018-05-08T22:14:35.077" Score="6" ViewCount="949" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend that I don’t know too much about, despite being friends for a while. I don’t have too many friends around where I am because I am very introverted, so usually people will come to me and start a conversation, and that’s my only way I make friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the people I always hang around when I can has been very nice to me, and I have tried to as well; however, she is so nice that I’m worried I’ll say something that might offend her. Often during our conversations there is an awkward silence and I feel very bad about myself since I just don’t know how to talk. And I worry about my values not lining up with hers and offending her as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don’t want to lose a friend. I know people say I should simply be myself, but right now, I don’t even know who I am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there anything I can do to make the situation less awkward, to keep a dead conversation going?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I implied, I have very few interpersonal skills right now and need some advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17604" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T02:34:10.693" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T06:35:46.760" Title="How do I talk to my friend without offending her?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-08T22:43:01.980" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have the same no-shoes-indoor policy at home (not USA). Some points from my experience:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People tend to forget the &quot;house rule&quot;, even if they have visited several times.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People who do not do this themselves are not used to taking off their shoes; they take time, are messy and sloppy (*).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My friends and family go along fine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Strangers, so far, are less surprised than I expected, and comply without complaints.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some people do not expect it, come unprepared, and are somewhat smelly or have socks with hole(s). :-)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Japan, where this policy is pervasive, houses and flats have a small area inside, just beyond the entrance door (&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genkan&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;genkan&lt;/a&gt;) where people take off their shoes. &lt;em&gt;There is a step&lt;/em&gt; going from there to the rest of the house. This makes a very clear distinction between &quot;inside&quot; and &quot;outside&quot;. In my home (small flat, no genkan), I noticed that when there is no such demarcated area people do not know how far in to go with shoes on, and where to take them off. That is the (*) &quot;sloppy&quot; part above. So I put something on the floor (black rubber mat), about 1.2m x 1.3m (the size of the entrance), and now it is clearer for them how far to go with shoes on [still not perfect, though]. I suggest you &lt;strong&gt;mark the limit clearly and visibly&lt;/strong&gt;, separating shoes-on zone from shoes-off zone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience &lt;strong&gt;people are fine when I tell them straight&lt;/strong&gt; about this. Something like &quot;we have this policy/custom at home, that we use no shoes inside&quot;. I suggest you drop any misgivings about being direct and forthright. :-)  [This is, of course, culture-dependent, and I am not USA-based.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others said, do offer slippers and maybe socks. Apart from personal preference, going around bare footed can get your feet cold. Offer seating if necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For unfamiliar people that come only once and briefly, such as a plumber, we offer &lt;em&gt;shoe covers&lt;/em&gt;. We have the ones you get for operations at hospitals, but any shoe cover will do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17603" LastEditorUserId="17603" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T17:53:28.390" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T17:53:28.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14213" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-08T23:02:55.250" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Peggy Post, who is a &quot;nationally recognized authority on etiquette, and an author and director of the Emily Post Institute&quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/author/11330/peggy-post/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt; (source)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt;, addressed this question indirectly when responding to someone who &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/q-and-a/a19758/remove-shoes-house-apr06/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;asked&lt;/a&gt; if they could &lt;em&gt;refuse&lt;/em&gt; to take their shoes off when visiting someone's home:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A hostess is within her rights to ask guests to remove their shoes -- especially if it's snowing or raining outside. If it makes you uncomfortable, bring an extra pair of your own shoes so you won't have to go barefoot. In fact, she should offer slippers so you won't be cold or embarrassed. That said, a good hostess should be flexible. If she doesn't know her guests well or is having a big party, she should suspend the no-shoes rule, at least for one night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She echoes some of the other answers that say you should offer your visitors slippers, especially if the floor is cold.  She even tells visitors that if taking off their shoes will make them uncomfortable then they should bring their own pair of slippers. This implies that you (the host) should tell your visitors &lt;em&gt;in advance&lt;/em&gt; (not after they show up at your door) about your shoe-removal policy and whether you will provide any slippers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when inviting someone to your home, you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Great, see you at 8 o'clock!  Oh by the way, our house has a no-shoe policy. I hope that's okay, I know some people don't like that. We do have slippers for you to wear if that'll make you more comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then if they don't take off their shoes when they show up, you can hold up the pair of slippers to remind them of your policy and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're free to wear these, if you don't want to walk around barefoot/in your socks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still shrug you off, then you may want to say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey I know it's a bit of a hassle, but this is my home, and I'd appreciate it if you respected the house rules.  I'd do the same in your home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still refuse to take off their shoes, then you should probably just be flexible (as Peggy Post said) and deal with it.  You can mop up or vacuum the floor after they leave.  If it really bothers you, you could consider never inviting them over again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the case of someone who needs to wear shoes indoors due to medical reasons, you could provide &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.imgur.com/Xzhs9vI.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;shoe covers&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.imgur.com/aSovez6.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;overshoes&lt;/a&gt;.  I agree with Spagirl's comments though - that seems tacky and might suggest that you demand an unreasonable level of cleanliness.  If your guests refuse to remove their shoes for whatever reason, and you continue to try to find ways to prevent their shoes from touching your floor, then your guests might start to think you have OCD.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="394" LastEditorUserId="394" LastEditDate="2019-07-31T22:55:16.170" LastActivityDate="2019-07-31T22:55:16.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14214" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-08T23:04:48.913" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;An effective form of communicating your desire for a &quot;no shoe policy&quot; inside your apartment would be to place a door mat that expresses this rule. Something like...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/M2GeHm.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/M2GeHm.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;image of a Coir doormat on floor with the text &amp;quot;please REMOVE YOUR shoes&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People (guests, friends) tend to wipe their feet before entering a home that's not theirs so this mat would be the first thing your guests see before entering. This would hopefully be enough to imply your &quot;no shoe policy&quot; without having to do it yourself each time a guest enters your home. It would also help to re-enforce the rule to reoccurring guests that visit your home who may have forgotten but are quickly reminded by the mat each time they enter your home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14219" LastEditorUserId="137" LastEditDate="2018-12-29T04:23:11.417" LastActivityDate="2018-12-29T04:23:11.417" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14217" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-08T23:30:51.977" Score="7" ViewCount="1197" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like forming friendship groups with people from the internet, in friendship web pages or similar, and I like them to be mixed with a similar percentage of women and men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there's a problem with this, making a woman to join the group is waaaay harder than making a man to join, easily I've to send 7 times more messages to women so the same number of men join.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gets tiring some times, apart from wasting my time, specially if I try to build the group with a certain characteristic shared by all members it can become a titanic effort; they are free not to answer me if they aren't interested in a friendship group, as some men do, but I'm pretty sure that most that don't answer me is because they think my proposition for the group is just so I can flirt with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The latter is proved further sometimes when they start asking more questions to ensure that the group exists and in some cases where they looked somewhat interested when I've asked their phone number to join a whatsapp group so it's easier to maintain contact they suddenly stop talking to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now I send the messages in a neutral tone just talking about wanting to make the friendship group which their objectives would be and if they are interested in joining it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this situation cannot be helped, but maybe I'm missing something that could make them less suspicious or even if they are that they would think &quot;even if I give him my phone, I could easily block him if he upsets me, so there's no point in saying no if I'm interested in trying a friendship group, for God's sake&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could I better invite these women so that they understand what the invitation is (and isn't) and that encourages them to feel more at ease in joining?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit: I'm explaining things better due to Ash request.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I mean a group to be friends, in which we get to go to places, or share a similar hobby or something like this.&#xA;Yes, making friends, specially making them in a way where our friendship is likely to be more possible, as I look if we have similar hobbies or the like.&#xA;I'm messaging strangers, with friendship web pages I thought it was clear.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit: I'm explaining some other things due to Imus answer.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I wouldn't call myself a random stranger, I ask women who are in friendship pages where they clearly state that the wish to have a friendship group, I'm offering them an opportunity to do so. If they aren't willing to trust even giving a phone number, how are they going to make friends if they distrust that much? Why they even bother registering on the page?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Also when they are finally on the group the first places I propose to go are always ones in the most crowded areas of the city, so they have no point of being suspicious.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I like more a mixed ambient in a friendship group, and as I'm the one who's building it, it's fair to do it the most of my liking as possible.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17605" LastEditorUserId="17605" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T12:43:04.413" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T08:03:38.113" Title="How could I convince women that I'm not trying to flirt with them but that I just want them to join a friendship group?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14218" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-08T23:37:07.480" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can start the ordering conversation by asking how they make the espresso here. They'll probably be just as familiar as you are with the big 150mL Russian &quot;espresso&quot;, either because they make it that way or because they know that many places do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There, you just started a conversation. Now you can ask them how big their &quot;shots&quot; are (or whatever expression you want to use) and, based on the answer you get,  you can either tell them that that's how you want it, or that you want something else. Now you can go ahead and tell them how to make it, without having been wrong about assuming they don't already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastActivityDate="2018-05-08T23:37:07.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14219" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14222" CreationDate="2018-05-09T01:01:22.877" Score="33" ViewCount="18568" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seems like it would be kind of self evident, but it's something that I encounter fairly often when talking to some folks about issues of discrimination and bias that drives me crazy... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone from a minority group says &quot;that's racist/sexist/homophobic/etc&quot; and the retort from someone from a majority group is, more or less, &quot;no it isn't&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or when someone from a minority group complains about systemic discrimination problems, and someone who isn't affected by those discrimination problems feels the need to tell them that there's no problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems amazingly tone deaf. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it kind of implies that the person who is being discriminated against, or feeling the hard end of the bias, isn't qualified to speak on their own behalf. Almost as if the person in the majority, who isn't being negatively impacted by the problem knows better, and is more qualified to say who is being negatively impacted, and by what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, not only does the person who's getting the short end of the stick have to fight for equality, they also end up having to prove their case to a seemingly endless sea of people, who have not experienced the problem, don't see it, and often don't want to see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To use pop-terms...  It's like a man having the nerve to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mansplaining&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;mansplain&lt;/a&gt; feminism to women. Or a white American &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=White-%27splaining&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;whitesplaining&lt;/a&gt; away about how America is now post-racial to an African American. Or a straight person hetsplaining¹ what is and isn't homophobic to ... well... me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like it would be really obviously rude to do these things, yet people do them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I guess I'm wondering if there's a more polite and effective way to point it out. Or if there's a better way to get the person doing it to realize that they're doing it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often my response is some version of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you know that thing you're saying isn't a problem?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're doing it right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that seems to entrench the problem more often than not. It seems that the only thing you can do to the privileged to make them feel a tiny fraction of the sting that those with less privilege feel when these things happen, is to point it out...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In usual fashion, people won't accept that a thing happens without one specific example, so here goes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not long ago I walked in on a conversation between two colleagues, not friends, or people that I work with, just people that I tangentially know. They were discussing how the LGBT rights movement had already accomplished its goals and was superfluous at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I pointed out that they probably think that because they're not directly affected by the discrimination that the LGBT community still faces. Basically they don't see it because they're not in the position to see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They responded with a round about how people are too sensitive these days, and that the &quot;discrimination&quot; is largely imagined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I responded by telling them that that's a bit homophobic. And went on to tell them about things like &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_panic_defense&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the Gay Panic Defense&lt;/a&gt;, that &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conversion_therapy&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;conversion therapy&lt;/a&gt; was still legal in many/most parts of our country that there's no legal discrimination protection for LGBT folks where I live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This in turn led them to double down without even addressing any of the very real problems faced by LGBT folks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;¹ Annoyingly the only definitions for that one appear to be on some pretty awful websites... Hey looky there, another example... Great...&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-05-12T16:09:56.403" LastActivityDate="2019-09-23T04:41:25.653" Title="How can I effectively tell people that their defensiveness over me bringing up an issue is part of the issue?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14042" CreationDate="2018-05-09T01:23:29.203" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;All of the above are decent answers, but I feel like the answers have become over complicated. &#xA;Put it like this... If you want to know why you weren't invited while other girls are, ask the host/birthday boy exactly this!&#xA;   &quot;I was wondering why I am being excluded while other's girlfriends are not? I'd understand if your BBQ were actually going to be an all guys thing, but my girls are all asking me why I'm not coming, because they are all going, and honestly my feelings are a little hurt. Did I do something to upset you?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure to add, &#xA;   &quot;I don't want to be where I am not welcome, however, I feel it's only fair that I know why I am not welcome when everyone else is.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to do this in a calm, humble, non-confrontational manner. I'm tempted agree with the statement by MemoryOfHers... Why would causing a scene be necessary? No one wants to include someone who is pushy or who tries to invite themselves, much less someone volatile or unstable! Think about it. This is why you make sure you reduce the tension with the above statement... Don't try to force your way in. You're likely to get a more truthful response and perhaps even an invite if you remove the notion of crashing the party and are pleasant. Head down... Tail between legs... No barking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put yourself in T's shoes... If you were having your birthday party and didn't want T there, and invited everyone else but him, and T confronted you, what would be going through your mind? Would you be irritated? Would you have to have a great reason to exclude someone on YOUR BIRTHDAY?(HINT HINT! JUST AN IDEA).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your boyfriend telling you he's not getting in the middle is a pretty clear indication that there is some underlying reason you have been excluded. Do you really want to know why? What if it's because T finds you irritating annoying? Do you actually think you can handle the truth?  Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything else aside, your boyfriend is seemingly too passive, and honestly, kind of a jerk for planning on going without you while others are bringing their chicks... Unless he's trying to plan a surprise party for you or something; In which case, your girls wouldn't be asking you if you were coming, nor would they be doing so in celebration of some other persons birthday BBQ! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to go, ask T,&#xA; &quot;When am I supposed to give you your gift if not at your party?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lay on the guilt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. &#xA;Keep Calm and Make Awesome, jealousy provoking solo plans! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17609" LastEditorUserId="17609" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T01:41:32.157" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T01:41:32.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-09T02:19:12.500" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, I'm not straight, I'm white, but I'm not a man, so let me see if my experiences in the world can help any here. Advance forgiveness, I am sure a lot of what I say you might already know (otherwise I don't think you'd be here asking this thing in this way), but I want to try to make it as approachable to a maximum number of humans as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the problems is that people (no matter their race, orientation, gender, etc) struggle with being called out on their stuff. The more public and overt the calling out is, the more pushback you'll get, because people really hate other people noticing their unawesomeness. (And I am sure there are tons of people who will try to say that they're above all this, and I am sure a lot of people &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; they are, which is extra likely to raise the hostility level). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get that you seem to want to help everyone you know be better more awesome people, and that is a very laudable goal. Helping people face the stuff they suck at, especially when it's harmful to others is super great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who has to spend a lot of time justifying...well, let's just go with &quot;a lot of my life&quot;, I really understand getting to a point where you just want to respond like you mentioned, and not wanting to take the time to soften your approach, but like you said, it tends to entrench their view, because they're going to see it as a sudden attack (because no one's explained to them, personally, in ways they understand, why what they're doing is wrong in a personal enough sense for them to feel the sort of pain/frustration etc that the marginalized people get stuck with feeling all the time). So they get mad, and not only that, they get mad and then they &lt;em&gt;shut down&lt;/em&gt;. Responding like you did just means that now, they have one more person to add to their &quot;every x is SO MEAN&quot; mental file folder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think some of it depends on how close I am to whoever I am trying to reach. If I am close to the person, the best way I have found, is to unfortunately &lt;a href=&quot;https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;spend my spoons&lt;/a&gt; on these people, because I know them and care about them, to find ways I can, well, not exactly make them feel what I feel, but try to find something I can use as a visual aid or something that brings it home for them. It takes time and work to find that approach for each person, and sometimes they'll still not get it, but I find that in a lot of cases, they just &lt;em&gt;never had to face&lt;/em&gt; the fact that this stuff they've heard as OMG negative traits littering blog posts/Facebook memes/news articles actually applies to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach is great if you can take the time to one-on-one it, but I suspect you're more looking for a &quot;shut it down and get them to learn right now&quot; sort of approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the thing? I'm not sure there is one. The problem is, people who are &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; entrenched in their beliefs aren't going to change after one conversation or one call out or one well aimed lightning rod of information. It takes &lt;em&gt;time&lt;/em&gt;. It takes time and energy and it is SO EXHAUSTING. SO I get why people want to give up and want an easy way out. Heck, even if people aren't as entrenched as you believe them to be, they're likely going to not react well to being told their racism/sexism is showing, especially if you phrase it really bluntly. We're all told that those are pretty much the WORST things to be, so it's going to raise pretty much everyone's hackles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you use the words you stated as your response, I don't think that's going to help you get even a toehold with these people, unless they're people who know you well enough to be blunt. Instead of just going &quot;you are wrong/racist/sexist and this thing you are doing is awful and terrible&quot;, you have to kinda breathe through it and break it down - make it about the action, not the person, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a stupid crappy situation, and often it feels like you're never going to get anywhere. And you might never see the fruits of &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.shakesville.com/2007/12/me-and-my-teaspoon.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;teaspoon&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;https://starfishproject.com/the-parable/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;starfish&lt;/a&gt; style labour. But that's the best way, I think, to deal with it. Think of it like teaspoons or starfishes - it does add up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastEditorUserId="75" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T17:02:47.703" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T17:02:47.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14223" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-09T06:05:19.900" Score="3" ViewCount="391" Body="&lt;p&gt;My SO is hungry for a leftover gyro from earlier. I heat it up along with a taco. I can't say exactly why I made a decision to serve the taco; I just figure it was leftover too, so one of us will eat it, with my partner taking priority over me (since the initial action was already going to be for them). When I bring the plate, they are taken aback in a particularly unpleasant way. I'm told I'm being passive-aggressive, that I brought the taco just so we could both have half of everything, when they never wanted the taco and were only expecting a gyro (which getting half taken from would be understandably upsetting). I try to explain that I don't care what of it I would eat, that I didn't make any of it for me, but this is met with a smirk and an assessment that I had been &quot;called out on [my] shit&quot;. This makes my blood boil. Not long after, I'm offered a bite of the gyro, given to me with a slight smile, which I already know is sort of like a peace offering, but I decide to not relent because I am bothered this even went this way, and from here on it's escalated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I truly did make the taco for them first, though I would eat it if they didn't want it; this would be the ideal scenario, me offering and them taking it or leaving it. I would like to know if this really is passive-aggressive behavior, because I just see it as courtesy. Otherwise I would like to know a way to de-escalate. I don't like to change or regret how I went about doing things - I don't believe I did anything wrong until becoming upset - though when these things happen it does seem to create a barrier because it feels like I don't have the freedom to do something I see as harmless. Obviously the problem is that my partner sees some ulterior motive, so I'd be welcome to any advice that could help me clarify this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17616" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T06:05:19.900" Title="How to make clear that I'm not being passive-aggressive and that accusing me of that is hurtful" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-05-09T07:37:38.560" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14211" CreationDate="2018-05-09T06:35:46.760" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me introduce you to the concept of &lt;code&gt;damage control&lt;/code&gt;.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is absolutely unavoidable to offend people from time to time. Some people are simply sensitive and some other people are not so sensitive and even those you will offend sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, you &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; make it clear you didn't mean to offend, it was not your intention. This is what most people do, it is a common and basic interpersonal skill. Also, don't assume guilt immediately at the first indication that the conversation is not going as you would expect because you would be shooting yourself on the foot. People can go silent for a number of different reasons: sometimes they have things on their minds that distract them, sometimes you are talking about something they don't find interesting, sometimes you are hoarding the conversation and they lose interest in participating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you notice that awkward silence, first, try to get back their attention and be welcoming to their input.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, that's my opinion, what are your thoughts?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most times, this is the way to get the conversation going and everything's peachy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If something is wrong, two other main things can happen, they can remain silent or they could not give you a straight thoughtful answer and you would notice because they stutter or deviate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the remaining silent scenario, you still don't know if it is your fault or they have a different problem disturbing their emotions, simply show you care about their feelings:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you ok?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, for the scenario where they get nervous when responding to any of the previous questions, again, show you care about their feelings and show you are willing to recognize responsibility:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did I say something wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it turns out you did say something that offended them, then you are presented with the opportunity to explain yourself better or take it back and apologize or make it clear that your opinions are yours alone and you are not trying to convince or force your beliefs on anyone else.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you said...   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;right now, I don’t even know who I am.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I took that as your attempt at being honest about still not having firm inflexible postures, or not being tremendously committed to a belief system or a way of life. That's ok. That also gives you the option to be sincere when saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I was just juggling ideas, but I'm interested to listen to your ideas because I think you are smart and interesting. You could change my mind, who knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just gave you stuff to fill in the gaps and turn offensive situations into opportunities to let her or anyone know you are a caring open minded person, everything is up to you being yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T06:35:46.760" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14226" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14217" CreationDate="2018-05-09T06:47:58.000" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When women get messages from unknown men, it is a flirt attempt most of the times. I do not think there is a way of asking them for their phone number immediately without them thinking he wants to hook up. Same goes for meeting in real life.&#xA;I suggest you try to write with them casually for a few weeks before asking them for their phone number. If you can mention a reason why you are reaching out, e.g. &quot;I am new to the city&quot; your contact attempt will be more successfull. If lying is not a problem you can mention being gay or having a girlfriend, ideally in a subtle way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However most women will still decline, because they do not have time or they do not trust strangers from the internet. I think going to a existing group e.g. a sports club or whatever you are intrestes in is a better way of forming a new group of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11838" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T06:47:58.000" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-09T07:23:44.373" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I love your question! Well, I really like the no shoes policy. (I have to mop the floor continuously because I live in a dusty area though, but it is totally worth it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Set the narrative:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are definitely gonna have to go for the strong and memorable strategy, but make it fun and amicable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be explicit and official about it:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Organize a party and add the &quot;no-shoe&quot; term in the title of the invitation, make it sort of the main theme. Because you are not asking for a favor, this is official.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are invited to my No-shoe movie night (party, drunk night, sleepover, whatevsies)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People remember the purpose of a space, the invitation is communicating something about your lifestyle making it sound more fun instead of clean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Timing is more important than message structure.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Even some sloppy phrase like:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All right, finally home! Everybody, shoes off please    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would actually work if you say it when you arrive home with your friends at the moment the door is unlocked and being opened, not before opening the door and not after opening the door, but at the same time the new space to transition into is being revealed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This particular timing will make your audience link your words with the time and space they're expected to modify their behavior, you are adjusting their mindsets just little bit, a significant enough little bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Set the stage&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that very few people are used to this so we are the ones going against culture and common sense, but that's OK, there's definitely a way to make people understand and remember. The shoe basket is a nice start but &lt;strong&gt;you need to make it 3dimensional&lt;/strong&gt; to have better results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Our minds set our behavior very much based on the place we are navigating, architects know this, in fact, that whole profession is pretty much based on this concept, the experience of the space. Even atheist people behave in a certain manner when visiting a catholic temple as tourists, and people who are usually very territorial about their personal space dare to surround themselves with a bunch of strangers at a dance floor on a night club.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, play with spatial cues&lt;/strong&gt;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Redecorating the entrance could look fantastic and also help you convey the message.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/1fpCi.jpg&quot; height=&quot;250&quot;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;But I'm afraid you are gonna have to do something that looks ugly at first and keep it there for a while until people get used to it, trace a clear rounded or squared line on the floor that marks a noticeable frontier/border from side to side where shoes are allowed for them to remove them.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/DR5gQ.jpg&quot; height=&quot;250&quot;&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Add a place to sit next to the line delimiting the shoes-allowed area, so they can sit and go about the business of taking shoes off, putting slippers or socks on or whatever.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/xVI9T.jpg&quot; height=&quot;250&quot;&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reinforce your message since before anyone enters your home, make it as friendly as possible.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/zOjFz.jpg&quot; height=&quot;250&quot;&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Cue repetition is important to avoid verbal intervention.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/af64b.jpg&quot; height=&quot;150&quot;&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;3. Provide actors with &quot;props&quot;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Although the recommended washable slippers are a great option... if you want to &lt;strong&gt;enforce&lt;/strong&gt; the rule/policy maintaining a positive vibe, you can provide personal slippers as a gift for each one of your most regular visitor friends, even adding their name to the pair of footwear. No one else can use them and the slippers remain home unless your friend gets very enthusiastic and wants to carry your gift everywhere in their backpacks (it could happen).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/vWbt4.jpg&quot; height=&quot;250&quot;&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Also for not frequent visitors (not regular friends) who happen to be germophobic/mysophobic, they would prefer seeing a basket of thick socks they can put on instead of slippers (that after a while will start to look worn out and shady), the socks basket needs to have a note that say &quot;freshly cleaned&quot; or look extremely tidy without the note&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/5uP9C.jpg&quot; height=&quot;250&quot;&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You will also need to be amicably and sound sincere while saying something like &quot;I don't care if your feet smell, everyone's feet smell&quot; (you might regret this, but hey, you wanted people to take off their shoes), the disposable shoebag/cover someone recommended is a nice alternative to avoid this, it's also useful for people providing services, like technicians and that type of temporary visitor, police officers too, don't chicken out by authority ^_^&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/Sznzi.jpg&quot; height=&quot;250&quot;&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Backstage advice from fellow producer (me ^_^)&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I wished this was not necessary to bring but I mention it so you are successful at enforcing your policy, influencing other people's behavior requires commitment on your part too, make sure your place is always extremely, super clean like you said you like having it, and you will succeed.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/lgEH4.jpg&quot; height=&quot;250&quot;&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If it isn't super clean at the moment, you should be upfront about it and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, we can use shoes for now, it looks ok but I haven't cleaned thoroughly   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, your visitor will appreciate it and be more comfortable taking their shoes off on a regular basis because they trust you care about the place being clean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to suspend your no-shoes policy during times you don't have time to clean or can't hire someone to do it.&#xA;There was a friend that shared my no-shoes policy but she had a hard time keeping it clean because she had just had her first child and she has cats, getting surprise gunk or invisible sticky goo on one foot or sock is extremely disgusting, the person encountering this situation won't be able to put their shoes on because that will infect them on the inside where it's marginally possible to clean and they might or might not tell you about it, but they will definitely not feel safe walking barefoot or on socks in your house ever again.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Keep all areas where someone might want to take their shoes on/off clean, including the garage.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/y7LFK.jpg&quot; height=&quot;333&quot;&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;On a side note:&#xA;You might want to mop the floor every time you have people visiting anyways, because you don't really know how healthy are everyone's feet, I'll defend that by saying I'm not germophobe but rather germoaware because I used to have problems with my feet when sharing shower and shoes with my brothers while growing up, I hated it. People who love having our feet perfect tend to obsess about it and obsess about and enjoy their partners' feet too, but beyond that, you can't control, choose or enforce everyone's feet health habits. Second guessing the health of stranger's feet conditions and health can disturb a stomach. If more people knew having healthy feet is not that hard at all, things would be easier for you. People who don't want to take their shoes off might be aware they have an infection, don't make them feel so awkward, street dust at sunny cities are germ free, you might prefer the dust. Well you will have the shoe bags/covers for that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T00:15:01.810" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T00:15:01.810" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14228" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-09T07:36:07.480" Score="8" ViewCount="5132" Body="&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, I came across a person who keeps doing something I don't like them doing, for various reasons (though those actions are otherwise fine, just something I don't personally like). However, after repeatedly explaining to them why they shouldn't do that in my opinion, and good reasons for not doing that, they keep doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, it could be that they have legitimate reasons for doing that thing. If so, I want to know those reasons, so that I can then stop telling them not to do it. Now, I could simply pull them aside, and ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why did you keep doing [x] even after I told you not to do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This asks them &amp;quot;why&amp;quot; they did it, but often comes across as my being mad at them, and asking them for an apology rather than an explanation. (In fact, when the reverse situation applies to me, I usually respond with an explanation, but that comes across negatively as &amp;quot;justifying&amp;quot; my actions - in this case, I want the other person to respond in the manner generally considered &amp;quot;justifying&amp;quot;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One option is to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you keep doing [x]? Can you tell me the reason?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in most cases when I used that, it didn't help, and in a few, it just added flame to the fire. &lt;em&gt;There isn't even supposed to be a fire&lt;/em&gt;, I just want to ask for an explanation in a nice way. What's a good way to do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt; I'd like to explain the specific situation that prompted me to ask this. I kept this hidden before because I thought people would be quick to reach for the &amp;quot;close&amp;quot; button without bothering to see that the question is on-topic and applicable to real-life situations as well. In fact, I want an answer that does explain in real life, because this has happened with me in real life too in the past quite a few times:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a certain Stack Exchange site (my most active one), there is a user who goes around editing recent posts mostly for spelling and grammar, i.e. minor edits. On most posts, including all answers, open questions, and closed questions that were closed more than five days ago, this isn't a problem, and I appreciate what they do. However, on posts closed within the last five days, this presents a problem, and these constitute a significant proportion of their editing. If a question closed within the last five days gets edited, it goes into a review queue for possible reopening in case it was edited to fix the original problem with the post; as their minor edits do not fix the post so that the original close reason no longer applies, we have to vote against reopening the post (this creates extra work for three users, the required amount to dequeue the post). Additionally, posts are only added to that review queue once per closure by editing, so by making their minor edit, this user is depriving the post author of their chance to have their own question reopened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus far, I've left comments pinging them on the posts they've edited, requesting that they refrain from editing posts closed within the last five days. Despite that, they have neither ceased editing such posts nor responded to a single one of my comments. I'd like to know why they still edit those posts. As I'm a reason-oriented person, giving me a good reason as to why they're doing it is enough for me to understand and stop questioning them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the spirit of one of the answers, I've attempted &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.meta.stackexchange.com/transcript/message/6936690#6936690&quot;&gt;pinging them in a chat room&lt;/a&gt; on the site where this is happening, but they haven't responded to that at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T20:29:49.783" Title="How can I politely ask a person why they did something, without coming across as being angry or expecting an apology?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14228" CreationDate="2018-05-09T08:02:50.877" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Actually, the best way to get this across to the other party &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; to explain to them your goals the way you did in your question. Saying something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey there! Can I ask you a question?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, go ahead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before I ask, I just want to say that I'm not mad at anything, neither will I request anything from you. I just &lt;em&gt;want to know the rationale&lt;/em&gt; behind the matter and have a &lt;em&gt;calm and frank discussion&lt;/em&gt;. So, I just want to &lt;em&gt;hear from you&lt;/em&gt; about [said action]. I previously &lt;em&gt;attempted&lt;/em&gt; to tell you about why it &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be a bad idea to do it (the action), however I noticed that you continued to do it. &lt;em&gt;I just want to know the reason behind it, and nothing more.&lt;/em&gt; It would be good if you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; tell me, so that &lt;em&gt;I can understand your thought process&lt;/em&gt; and I can &lt;em&gt;improve my way of doing things&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*italicised words and phrases are things that I feel are the more important words to include in  your conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may feel that you are the one in the right, and that you don't want them to feel that you're the one in the wrong. However, if they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; willing to state their reason behind it, then you will be able to reach a compromise with them much more easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though I cannot provide all possible scenarios that this will result in, it is important that you keep your cool. Remember not to &amp;quot;shoot down&amp;quot; their reasoning straightaway and rebut with your own reasoning (no matter how much more intuitive or &amp;quot;correct&amp;quot; you think your reasons are). Seek to understand, then to be understood is probably the takeaway from these last couple of paragraphs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T08:02:50.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14231" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14247" CreationDate="2018-05-09T08:34:45.227" Score="14" ViewCount="1586" Body="&lt;p&gt;For what it's worth, this friend (I'll call him Jon) has Asperger's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The problems&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately, Jon's life has been a rollercoaster of emotions. It all started when his mom (I'll call her Jane), after suffering 10 years of all kinds of abuse, tried to report her wife and she discovered it, so she left with the two small kids, all of the money and falsely reported Jane for child abuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this is a very serious matter and Jon, who didn't know what his mom was going through (he lives with his father) didn't take it so well. He started acting erratically, skipping classes in uni and having social anxiety symptoms. He told me that his relationship with his girlfriend was deteriorating in every way up until the point that she dumped him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of this, he stopped going out with the main group of friends we both have, because his ex belongs in this group too and he didn't want to make everyone uncomfortable. He now evades places she might be on and goes out only when she's not coming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it's exam period and he's already skipped one, I think he does not have enough confidence to take them and he's avoiding anything that might be hurtful for him, such as failing and dissapointing his mom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;My goal&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am very concerned about Jon's well being. All of this happened in three to four months and his state has decayed rapidly. He has started going to a psychiatrist and taking antidepressants. I want to address several things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I want to support him the best way possible without being too intrusive. I've been trying to hang out with him, just the two of us and get him to talk about his feelings or trying to distract him doing something interesting such as watching a movie that he likes, but I feel it's not enough to cheer him up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I want to correct his behavior about skipping classes and eviting places just because &amp;quot;he doesn't want to be an obstacle&amp;quot;. I think that is self-damaging and he's digging himself into a hole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I want to be prepared for the outcome of the incoming trial between Jane and her wife. To be honest, I think Jane is going to lose because she's not the biological mother of the kids and has little proof of the abuse. This will probably lead to Jane being left unemployed, vanished from her home and having to pay for the kids nutrition which I fear will be devastating for Jon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17621" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2020-07-30T14:13:41.410" Title="How to help a friend who has faced several personal, related problems in a short timespan" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;depression&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-09T08:36:04.180" Score="65" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem is all about the tone and how it causes the first impression of your argument to shift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had this issue for years, and even with close friends I get incredibly frustrated when pointing out certain things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say a friend of mine makes jokes about autism and about how some behavior is &quot;just such an autistic thing to do&quot; in a demeaning way. Now I say well that's pretty demeaning to people with autism. Maybe I'm very angry saying that, because you know, that hurt and I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; angry and frustrated. This is where the problem starts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suddenly I'm &quot;overreacting&quot; and &quot;taking things the wrong way&quot; and I need to &quot;calm down and not insult everyone&quot;. Frustrating as hell, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes it is, and in a perfect world, it'd never happen. In a perfect world with perfect people they'd listen and maybe apologize to me, or at least introspect and consider my reaction. But they don't. Why is that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People have their hearts in the right place, by and large, and chances are they care about the injustices in the world. In their mental image, they see themselves as on the right side of history. They've been taught in school and by their parents to be respectful and kind, and they like to think they are. They abhor racism and sexism, and anyone who does it. These same people that get defensive will probably fiercely shun white supremacists and feel good about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now what? You've come and indirectly or directly, even by insinuation accused them of being what they hate. The reaction to this is stronger the more they don't like that side of theirs. Maybe they pride themselves about being inclusive, maybe they sometimes throw in the &quot;I have a friend that's autistic&quot; to other people to feel better. Now you're taking all of that feel-good away from them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The basis for the discussion is thus poisoned. Words have power, and words like &quot;racist&quot; or &quot;sexist&quot; or &quot;homophobe&quot; have &lt;strong&gt;extreme&lt;/strong&gt; power. They're strong judgements against the person insinuated as having these traits. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; and ridiculously exhausting ways I've found to be able to avoid that defensive and poisonous reaction in people I care about was to start low. Start with &quot;that was not nice&quot; and go from there. Let them draw their own conclusions. Use the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socratic_method&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;socratic method&lt;/a&gt; to coax out the real reason for the interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These sort of conclusions can only change minds if they're actually heartfelt and made by themselves. You're not going to convince someone to drop their bias by saying &quot;that's sexist&quot;. Well duh, but if they realize at the end of a long discussion that &quot;wait maybe I am biased against some people, where does that come from?&quot; you've sown the seeds of doubt in their belief system that can grow into more understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not fair to you, it's exhausting and it's not a neat &quot;fit all&quot; solution, but merely pointing out shortcomings is extremely uneffective in affecting change of behavior. You may say to yourself &quot;why do I have to do all the work here, they're being mean to &lt;strong&gt;me&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; and you may be right, but this world isn't fair and change takes time and effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In conclusion&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found works best is to be exceedingly careful about how you start the conversation, avoid buzz words, avoid words that can be percieved as insults, and make them reason themselves to what you want them to understand. There are no shortcuts to compassion, it is built and not mandated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T12:11:31.883" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T12:11:31.883" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14233" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-09T08:53:45.720" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be explicit. Ask guests to remove their shoes at the door and then stand in the hallway, ostensibly waiting to show them into your apartment or continuing an earlier conversation while they unlace, but actually creating a barrier between them and the interior until their shoes have been removed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people do not mind removing shoes and will not mind being asked. For those &quot;problematic&quot; friends who are just being lazy, they will quickly realise that it is less effort to comply than it is to attempt to circumvent your policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For many people, however, removing shoes in public or in another's home can make them feel uncomfortable, even vulnerable. They will not enjoy the experience any way you present it. You cannot make it friendly, welcoming, cute, whimsical, or fun. It will be an unpleasant experience. Relative to the inherent hostility of dismissing your guests' discomfort, any awkwardness at the door is likely to be negligible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4849" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T08:53:45.720" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14217" CreationDate="2018-05-09T09:15:10.387" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;In that case, how about extend the invitation to their friends as well in the conversation? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi there, I have created a group for people who have interest in this XX hobby. Would you like to join? You may also ask your friends along to join with you as well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;People will feel safer and more assured if they know they are allow to bring their friends along.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And since you enjoying organize such events, maybe you will want to setup a public/private Facebook group? In this group, you could also share photos of the past events that you have organized. So when approaching the ladies, you could also share the Facebook group link with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You may check out this Facebook group which you can see the past events where we all have gathered. There's no obligations to join, but do give it a thought!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Somehow, this shows the enthusiasm you have in gathering people of the same interests, and is likely genuine instead of leading them to think you are trying to flirt with them.&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be quite intimidating to provide one's number even though he/she could block you. So if you did try the Facebook approach, you may do constants updates on the Facebook group. When people started to express interest and started participating out, give them choices if they want to be part of the Whatsapp group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;P.S. Facebook is just an example that I thought could be a good and easy platform to start out. You may leverage other social media platform depending which one is comfortable for you.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastEditorUserId="15749" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T02:26:56.420" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T02:26:56.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14235" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-09T09:23:30.663" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key word describing an espresso is &lt;em&gt;small&lt;/em&gt;. I suggest you use that word when you order, and perhaps reinforce the idea with sign language, showing with your hands exactly how small you want it to be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/dcER1.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/dcER1.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;picture of a hand making a gesture representing a quantity&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see espresso cups you can also point at them when ordering. You'll still get your cup filled, but it will be about the right amount of coffee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-31T16:18:14.750" LastActivityDate="2018-12-31T16:18:14.750" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-09T11:24:29.733" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The crux of the problem is that the meaning of &quot;espresso&quot; is different in the context. Lecturing about the &quot;proper&quot; meaning is obviously alienating and in ignorance of local culture. Asking for &quot;Italian-style espresso&quot; is better in that you acknowledge the cultural differences, but likely isn't going to help you much - shops that don't already serve &quot;Italian-style&quot; will probably not know what you're asking for anyway, but at least it opens the way to using gestures (&quot;espresso &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; short&quot;) etc. without seeming rude or condescending. However, you say you did meet some baristas that do understand &quot;espresso&quot; the same way you do - that's a great opening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask them if they know other &quot;Italian-style&quot; coffee shops in the places you shop, or how to order a &quot;proper espresso&quot; in one of those &quot;Russian-style&quot; coffee shops - chances are they have a different name for the same thing (e.g. &quot;piccolo&quot; used to be a popular name for an espresso where I'm from, despite being nothing like the &quot;Italian&quot; piccolo). If they're just people interested in a particular style of coffee and not hipsters/snobs, they'll probably be able to help you better than random people on the internet :P And if you do get a good answer, you can post it here as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1729" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T11:24:29.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14241" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-09T11:49:40.967" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have the same policy, and I live in the US. I find that this takes a 3 step approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First is the visual cues, you're already doing that with the shoe rack. Don't be afraid to have a shoe mess by the door. If a guest has to step over a pile of shoes, they're less likely to be ignorant of the fact that they shouldn't be wearing shoes either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also suggest that the first time someone comes over (or as a reminder to the ones that don't seem to get it) you make a &quot;big deal&quot; about taking your own shoes off. If someone is nervous about being barefoot in your house then provide slippers. Just be careful. A lot of people would find shared slippers very gross. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second is a gentle reminder. &quot;We don't wear shoes in the house.&quot; Is great. I actually check and leverage the kids with more stubborn guests. As we walk in the door, &quot;What's the rule about shoes?&quot;. The chorus of kids responds with &quot;No shoes in the house, they stay by the door.&quot; A really stubborn guest might get the wall treatment. I would stand in the entry basically blocking the way until the shoes came off, but that's a bit extreme. I have had to do it through a couple of times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, and hopefully, you never have to get here (though you might, I have), is a strong reminder. &quot;We don't wear shoes in the house. If you want to wear shoes, then please leave. I will see you tomorrow.&quot; Remember, in the end, it's your house, and you can impose any rules you want. Most guests get the hint long before you reach this stage, but if you have to get here, make sure you are firm but polite (as much as you can be when removing someone from your home), state why you're asking them to leave, and try to make sure that you mention speaking with them again in the future. You're not kicking them out of your life, just your home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Visual cues and a gentle reminder will get 99% of your guests to comply. If you really have to strong arm it, then consider the fact that perhaps these people shouldn't be guests in your home, and you should instead meet them on more even grounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T20:06:54.103" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T20:06:54.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14170" CreationDate="2018-05-09T11:50:17.113" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are many reasons why one would rather prefer written messages over voice-messages. In this situation, I would not give reasons why you don't like receiving voicemails, since it only opens up discussion and it could eventually be used against you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Just stating that you'd prefer written messages - without a specific reason - is totally fine and can be kept polite too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, also directly answer what was said/asked in the voicemail. This shows that you aren't too difficult about it, but still you stated your preferred means of communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello [name], thank you for your message. Unfortunately, I am not really a&#xA;  voice-message person. Would it be possible for you to send me written&#xA;  messages instead in the future? Thank you so much.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Now addressing&#xA;  what you said: [answer their message]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T11:50:17.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14243" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14217" CreationDate="2018-05-09T12:25:29.983" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just to see if I understood you correctly:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You're a random stranger from the internet that goes around chatrooms/friendship pages/... asking girls for their number and you want to not sound like those bad people everyone is telling kids (and especially girls) to avoid?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I'm actually amazed that some of them do give you their number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of focussing on how to earn the trust of total strangers enough for them to give you their phone number, I would first take a look in alternative communication solutions that don't require such a &quot;big&quot; step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you invite them to a group on facebook/discord/... the step is a lot smaller. If they don't trust it they can just leave the group again and &quot;those creepy people in it&quot; can no longer stalk them. That way the entry level is a lot lower.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you actually do have the right intentions Yoshiaki had a great point on asking her (hopefuly female) friends to join as well if they have the same interest. Not only does this greatly lower the creep factor (/flirting assumption) but has the added bonus of having more potential female members to join you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly I want to point out that you may be overly fixated on having roughly equal numbers of males and females. I'd say this depends A LOT on what the group is for. For example, if you were to start a knitting group I'd expect it would take you a lot more effort to find interested males instead. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with a knitting man but well... good luck :p&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it really that important to you to have that many females if you're really not intended to start romantic relationships in those groups? If I were to join a paint-ball group with a bunch of horny teenage boys I'd actually prefer if there were no girls at all so we can actually have great paintball matches instead of fighting over who gets to &quot;protect&quot; that &quot;weak&quot; girl. Not that the girl is weak or needs protection but we all know that's how the stereotypical teenage boy will act in such a situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T12:25:29.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14228" CreationDate="2018-05-09T13:47:05.723" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who also likes to understand &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; people do certain things, I'm going to offer an alternative answer to the one already listed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that regardless of how much explanation you give stating &lt;em&gt;you really are not angry&lt;/em&gt; and that you &lt;em&gt;only want to have a discussion&lt;/em&gt;, often if someone is already on the defensive about an action they know you aren't okay with, they'll usually only grow more defensive the longer the leading explanation is.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like, from your past experience, your friend is already on the defensive when you approach this topic.  He/she assumes you are going to be mad about the thing they keep doing. Instead of leading up to this conversation with a longer paragraph, aim for 1-2 sentences that focus on your needs, and not their lack of compliance to your request.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Would you be able to explain your side of this? I think it'd help me be more understanding of this situation if I had a better understanding of why you want to keep doing this.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still seem defensive at this, now is a good time to add more context to your side of this discussion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not angry, I just want to understand. When I first told you why I didn't like it, it seemed like my concerns were heard - so I felt confused when you kept doing it.  I'd like to understand so that if it's something you genuinely do not want to stop doing, I can better understand why you want to keep doing it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend avoiding language like &quot;let's have a calm discussion&quot; and &quot;I already told you I didn't like _____&quot; because these have a tendency to put people on the defensive.  The prior makes already defensive people feel as though you are assuming they &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; have a calm discussion and the latter putting yourself in a position of superiority over them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stick to language that signals what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; need - where that is that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; need their help in understanding their point of view and &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; that you need them to explain why they haven't complied with your requests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T13:47:05.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-09T13:57:03.530" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of making some of your visitors feel uncomfortable by requesting them to expose their natural strongly odored beauty or artistic socks (with holes), you may suggest them to try out a simpler, cheaper and perhaps hassle-free option for most of them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/W7nRx.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/W7nRx.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Shoe bags&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&#xA; =&gt; &lt;strong&gt;Shoe bags&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;em&gt;plastic bags&lt;/em&gt; for shoes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a shoe rack for placing smelly used (and not so cheap) slippers may not be as convenient as you might think at first (especially for strangers who might think it's a private shoe rack). Having a small seat at the entrance with these plastic bags clearly visible on it will also allow more people to understand your intention without the need for you to say a word (a written paper might help too).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found, used and reused these a few times when I travelled in China. In a few houses I visited at first, the owners would request me to wear them and would gladly dispose of them when I left. Later on, if they were not too dirty, I'd keep them myself and reuse them next time. I even reused these in a few stores making the employees a bit happier (especially in cats and dogs rains).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does not require you to impose on your guests as much as requiring them to take their shoes off. If your goal however, is to make them realize it is preferable to walk barefoot in your house (socks on/off) and your guest is likely to refuse or forget to take his/her shoes off, you can choose a more vibrant and noticeable color (e.g. flashy pink, white or hello-kitty-heart-shaped printed plastic?... and point to the plastics box before they enter with a smile :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12311" LastEditorUserId="12311" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T14:43:33.027" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T14:43:33.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14231" CreationDate="2018-05-09T14:27:47.437" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;FWIW, this may be a misread, but I hear in the &quot;goals&quot; section some language that concerns me. It's in the phrases: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I want to address several things&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;it's not enough to cheer him up&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I want to correct his behavior&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I want to be prepared for the outcome of the trial&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What concerns me is that I hear in that language an attempt- well-meaning, to be sure- to hero problems that are fundamentally someone else's- even with a disability- to solve. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are able to approach this from a place where you recognize where even with his disability, he is ultimately responsible for his own well-being, and the best thing you can do in that vein is to be an example with your own self-care, and to be his ally and supporter in his- then by all means. In that work, though, none of it is about you, or what you can address or correct, or any of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that's helpful and makes sense. Of course it may be overreading, and if that's the case, I apologize. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meta analysis aside, in this- dealing with a disability, dealing with exams and classes, dealing with horrible family dynamics- the logistical details can be very complicated and very situation specific. The best support is to get to a place where burdens can be shared, challenges can be seen with a second pair of caring and understanding eyes. He may or may not want that from you, and he may or may not know what he wants. You have to be ok with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My concrete advice is to reword the goals as follows, and see what you feel prepared to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am prepared and committed to be present and available to him, to recognize the boundaries of privacy, to repay any trust he shares with kindness and understanding, and if he opens himself to taking advice, to advise him on a path of self-care both for now and for what is to come.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I want without breaching trust and privacy, for his university, which has a responsibility for his health and well-being, to be aware of his situation, and to be supporting him in every way possible. I understand that the first responsibility every university has is to their own liability, which reduces their incentive to act and assist. My friend may need an advocate to show up at offices, talk to people, work through obstacles, follow through on promises, and go up the chain of accountability. If he is in a place where he is ok with me helping here, I am prepared and committed to help with those logistics and to be a resource for him in arriving at the best outcome for his situation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I recognize that the situation with Jane is very, very complicated, and as I am not in Jon's family, it is none of my business. That said, it will likely be deeply emotionally impactful on Jon and I am prepared and committed to be present and available for him, to help with logistics where possible, but to be supportive above all else.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, hope that's an accurate read, and hope it's helpful. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17248" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T14:27:47.437" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-09T15:11:29.343" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the only way is to try to &lt;em&gt;gently&lt;/em&gt; point out their lack of perspective and encourage empathy with outside perspective. Actually engage with their ideas about why it's not a problem; otherwise you are saying they need to listen to you but not vice-versa. Still, you're not going to often just change someones mind in conversation, that's just how it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Certainly DON'T use terms like &quot;whitesplaining&quot; or &quot;mansplaining&quot;, I believe these are ingroup jargon (i.e. people are are already totally onboard with social justice) and they simply alienate others.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a cis-white-het-male, I have been in dialogue about this and ended feeling attacked with statements like &quot;you are the problem&quot; and &quot;you need to give up power&quot;. But the thing is, &lt;em&gt;I don't&lt;/em&gt;. I don't have to listen to you, or really make any changes at all. If I'm going to have a &lt;em&gt;dialogue&lt;/em&gt; with you, it's 2-way or no-way. So, please respect my personhood and right to an opinion if you want me to respect yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8708" LastEditorUserId="8708" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T15:15:13.417" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T15:15:13.417" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-09T15:19:46.380" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are entering the apartment at the same time as your friends, simply take off your shoes. They may see it as a cue that they should take off their shoes as well. Try to make it obvious by maybe turning yourself toward them and make it obvious that you are taking off your shoes/boots. Perhaps also try to have large mat as some others have suggested so then there is a place where they can leave their shoes, and they don't have to use the rack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17643" LastEditorUserId="17643" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T15:12:13.110" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T15:12:13.110" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-09T15:45:30.303" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you have already managed to point out the problem yourself. Your behaviour often leads to a further entrenching of positions instead of a form of productive dialogue where both people can learn. This is because your approach is very aggressive and I don't fault you for that! You feel that the world is unfair towards you or a chosen group you think deserves more recognition, protection or similar. This obviously creates anger and most humans struggle with bottling their emotions up. So especially when you witness behaviour which you find to be bigoted or otherwise offensive, it might be difficult to keep it down once again like you might have done hundreds of times. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is why we have this problem: you want to vent, but you also want to change people in a way that you believe to be better. But you can't get both done at the same time. If you vent, that is obviously an aggressive move, and it is going to put people on the defensive. You are no longer arguing about the topic at hand but by having an aggressive move as your opening gambit, you are ensuring that this is at least to some degree personal. And most people are not willing to move an inch if they feel personally attacked, which is something to easily do, especially when employing blanket statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look at it this way: you believe that it is pretty self-evident that there is a massive problem, the other person believes that it is pretty self-evident that there is no problem. Saying that their refusal to acknowledge that this problem exists is proof in itself of the problems existence is not a valid argument and in fact a technique that is going to ensure the situation is even more heated. Therefore it would be best to not use such an approach at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What might be the solution? If I could give you any advice (and, judging by your attitude, since I am a straight whiteish male, you might not be interested in my advice on this topic. I am also a Muslim war refugee, so maybe this makes up for it a bit?) it is to offer the other person what you want from them in return. You can't expect compassion and empathy for your plights if you are not willing to offer the same back. I often like to point to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daryl_Davis&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Daryl Davis&lt;/a&gt;, a black man, who got more than 200 KKK members to renounce their association with the Klan and hand in their hoods. How did he do it? By talking - and just as importantly - listening to them. Despite their association with a despicable racist organisation he still dared to treat them as equal human beings - and not as subjects to be lectured. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will have to be prepared that this is not going to be one short conversation but many conversations over a long time. But if you can show people over that timespan what kind of problems you face (or people from a minority group you believe to be discriminated) - and do it in a way in which you don't directly accuse your conversation partner of being the party responsible for it - it will become much easier for them to empathize and understand your position. Eventually they might come to agree with you, maybe not in all regards, but they will understand that whatever you are facing is valid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4636" LastEditorUserId="2486" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T14:33:35.240" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T14:33:35.240" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-09T16:00:41.403" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing I'd ask is why you're taking one position as gospel and dismissing the other so completely that you're trying to figure out how to politely tell them that they're wrong without giving them a tactful way to continue the conversation?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are complicated and controversial issues; there will naturally be skeptics when you discuss it in mixed company.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Thus, my first piece of advice is&lt;/strong&gt;: if you aren't interested in dealing with a disagreement, don't bring it up.  That way your audience will have no opportunity to disagree with you and, finally, you'll have no need to politely correct them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you believe that an utterance is racist/sexist/homophobic, context is key.  Is what they're saying really meant to demean, or is it slang -- pretty much completely removed from the pejorative meant to assail the class in question (for context, in my youth, the term &quot;that's gay&quot; was often used.  We were prepubescent.  We had no concept of sexual orientation in general, and our use of the word was not indicative of our position on homosexuality.  Is that homophobic?  I'd say it's not.  Chances are you say it is.  Who's right?  Who even gets to decide?  The aggrieved party, or the person who's heart and mind is being indicted for using the word?).  Thus, when you call someone homophobic and they disagree, you're both right because you're not even having the same discussion.  You want the person to not use words that can be perceived as causing offense to certain classes, and the person who said the word is thinking, &quot;I have nothing against gay people -- why am I being called homophobic?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My best advice here&lt;/strong&gt; is to assume people mean the best and approach the situation that way.  Detach the word from the person -- &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just wanted to let you know that some people hear that word and it reminds them when they were bullied for being [x].  Unless that was your intent, you might think about using a different word.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-- Well meaning people will probably be happy to comply.  Not always, but if they're unwilling to, and it affects you that much, then maybe it's best you dissociate from each other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as complaining about systemic discrimination, this one's easy: be specific.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me and my black friend were both open carrying our pistols together and a cop knocked him unconscious and arrested him on the spot while just giving me a cup of hot chocolate and sending me on my way!  When I complained, the chief of police agreed with his staff's judgment, added marshmallows to my hot chocolate, and sent me away again!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an obvious instance of bias with very little room for people to decide there were other factors in play.  The key point here, though, is that if you can't specifically describe the an instance of bias and the nature of the discrimination, &lt;em&gt;skeptics are almost guaranteed to disagree with you, because there are literally countless ways for the situation to have occurred without some protected status being a factor.&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's just a simple reality of the American cultural worldview: innocent until proven guilty.  Absent clear evidence of a system of discrimination (such as a written law guaranteeing different treatment based on a characteristic), most people who wish to remain objective will &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to be skeptical.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6811" LastEditorUserId="6811" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T14:27:46.193" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T14:27:46.193" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14253" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-09T16:08:25.663" Score="173" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Recognise your own biases&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When someone from a minority group says &quot;that's racist/sexist/homophobic/etc&quot; and the retort from someone from a majority group is, more or less, &quot;no it isn't&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is phrased in extremely general terms. The example you added to the question is quite clear-cut, but in other situations which fall within the scope of the quoted paragraph I have to say that the person from the minority group isn't &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; right, and the person from the majority group isn't &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it's true that there are people from majorities &quot;&lt;em&gt;who have not experienced the problem, don't see it, and often don't want to see it&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, it's also true that there are people from minorities who have experienced the problem so often that they see it even when it isn't there (and that then reinforces their bias in a positive feedback loop). This is particularly something to be aware of when the attribution of discrimination goes to hidden motives rather than overt actions or words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;You're biased: I'm not&quot; is not a productive position from which to persuade someone&lt;/strong&gt;. &quot;We're all biased in different ways, but am I the only one whose personal discrimination detector just went off?&quot; is less confrontational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Arguments are two-way&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arguments are like negotiations: if you're not prepared to make any concessions, you can't expect the other party to make any concessions. If you're not at all willing to be persuaded that you were wrong, assume that you will communicate that attitude and your interlocutor will also be unwilling to be persuaded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You asked in a comment about appropriate concessions. In your example situation, I think there's an obvious one: the LGBT rights movement &lt;em&gt;hasn't&lt;/em&gt; already accomplished its goals, but it &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; made some progress. (At least, it's my understanding that it has in the USA, which I infer from various things in the question to be where you're located). In fact, I see that as a point of engagement: if they think that the LGBT rights movement has accomplished its goals, what are those goals (in their opinion)? Then once you've heard their answers you can decide whether to argue about to what extent the goals they've listed have been accomplished (e.g. &quot;&lt;em&gt;I agree that X states have legislated on Y, but did you see about that person the other day who tried to do Z and wasn't allowed? And that's just one of hundreds of similar situations...&lt;/em&gt;&quot;), or about how many goals they've missed out (&quot;&lt;em&gt;Yes, there's been some progress on those, but there's been very little on P and Q&lt;/em&gt;&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In more covert situations, perhaps your goal could be to compromise on &quot;&lt;em&gt;We can't be sure whether that particular action/remark was motivated by bias&lt;/em&gt; (your concession), &lt;em&gt;but it fits a pattern of discriminatory behaviour in this society&lt;/em&gt; (their concession)&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Pick your battles&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While people aren't always good at recognising our own biases, we're often quick to attribute bias to others. Therefore an argument which you lose can reinforce someone else's perception that either you personally or a minority group which you represent will see bias where there isn't any. That makes it harder to win the next argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming back to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When someone from a minority group says &quot;that's racist/sexist/homophobic/etc&quot; and the retort from someone from a majority group is, more or less, &quot;no it isn't&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;the categories racist/sexist/homophobic/etc are treated as Boolean (black/white) properties: either it is or it isn't. But really they're spectra (or maybe something even more complicated), and part of our bias is where along the spectrum we place the threshold for using the word as a Boolean. It's easier to get someone to move a short way along the spectrum, and then another short way, and then another short way, than to get them to make a big jump. If the event or remark in question is a long way from someone's threshold, it's probably better to save your political capital for a more winnable argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of your example, going all the way to &quot;&lt;em&gt;your defensiveness is part of the issue&lt;/em&gt;&quot; is probably too far for one step. You need to get them to see that society as a whole has a problem before you start to get them to ask whether they personally are contributing to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4831" LastEditorUserId="4831" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T20:36:02.880" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T20:36:02.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-09T18:15:31.163" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;First I'd like to say that I am a straight white male, but I don't think that disqualifies me from being able to answer. If it helps, I have two older sisters among many other female friends, my eldest brother is homosexual, my nephew has autism, and I have numerous friends of different ethnic backgrounds, all of which I love dearly. (stated to hopefully convey that I don't believe I am sexist, homophobic, racist, etc...). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first point that I think would help your case is to not refer to other majority groups as &quot;privileged.&quot; This has always irritated me when I hear someone refer to all whites or all males or any other majority group as privileged. There are many straight white males who certainly do not consider themselves privileged. Whether it be because they live in poverty or because of some unfortunate circumstances in their lives. I feel privileged to have a loving family but have never (and likely will never) feel privileged just because I am a straight white male. I've had my share of hardship in my life and someone telling me that I'm privileged won't ever do anything except irritate me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are privileged to be {some majority group}, because you don't have to face {some problem faced by a minority group}.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes me irritated that someone would say I am privileged simply because the problems that I have faced are different from the problems that they have faced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT(insert):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Most people the term [privileged] is directed to assume it means they were given something (e.g. a loving family), and that's not what it means in this context. - Beofett&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;@Sudsy1002 You and I are both white, and (I assume) both in the U.S. If either of us calls the police, it is likely we will be listened to and not suspected of being burglars in our own homes and not at risk of immediate violence, whereas African Americans face a different calculus when calling the police. This is what a lot of &quot;privilege&quot; is. When people hear examples like that, they say, &quot;That's not a privilege, that should be the common decency every person gets!&quot; That's the realization that (I believe) the term is meant to encourage, but your post makes it clear how the term can fail. – cactus_pardner&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The kind of &quot;privilege&quot; described by cactus_pardner is much more agreeable to me. The issue is trying to differentiate between the definition that I would normally associate the word with and the example given above. The above example is a good illustration of what is trying to be &lt;strong&gt;conveyed&lt;/strong&gt; while I think it is much more likely for the majority group to &lt;strong&gt;perceive&lt;/strong&gt; the use of &quot;privilege&quot; to be the same as I did (meaning, to be given something). The point here is that the word &quot;privilege&quot; should be avoided while still trying to conveying what cactus_pardner has in his comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 2nd point is about directly calling out racist, homophobic, sexist, or otherwise demeaning remarks. To be honest, I don't see these as being any different from calling out someone's actions for just being rude or offensive, regardless of what the topic is. Like the examples above, the first step is to &lt;strong&gt;not label the offender&lt;/strong&gt;. If the offender feels attacked, then they will likely be defensive and/or attack back. A great way to avoid this is with the following statement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you do X, I feel Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or the reciprocal:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel Y when you do X.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is to be specific with what X is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone says&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All blacks are inferior to whites.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will likely have the impulse to call them a racist (I myself would be outraged). That would be the wrong approach though. Remember, we need to avoid labels. Instead, follow the phrasing above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you say &quot;All blacks are inferior to whites&quot;, it makes me feel like I am being discriminated against because of the color of my skin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also add on at the end of that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is that your intent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should be a rhetorical question, but even if the person says &quot;yes&quot;, then they have admitted that their behavior was directly intended to be harmful. You likely won't be able to fix people who are actively trying to harm others but you can make their actions visible to others who can see their actions for what they are. Hopefully they will answer &quot;no&quot; to the question above and be a bit more compassionate though. Note that the phrasing above &lt;strong&gt;does not&lt;/strong&gt; say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you are being racist, it makes me feel like I am being discriminated against because of the color of my skin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The difference between the first example and this example is that you are explicitly stating what the other person/party said/did to make you feel bad without any kind of labeling or judgement in the first example. This is important, because you are not countering their hurtful remarks with remarks of your own, you are just stating how you feel and directing the comment towards their &lt;strong&gt;actions&lt;/strong&gt; rather than &lt;strong&gt;them as a person&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may feel inclined to be more direct about accusing someone of being a racist, homophobic, sexist, etc.. but those words are not just descriptors, they are also insults to many who would take offense to being labeled as such. Instead of labeling the other party, it is much better to call out their actions (again, using the phrasing of &quot;when you do X, I feel Y&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The XY phrasing is not only essential to making the other party not feel attacked by what you are saying, but it also gives you a very specific problem to focus on. For instance, in the above example again:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you say &quot;All blacks are inferior to whites&quot;, it makes me feel like I am being discriminated against because of the color of my skin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a lot easier to argue your point. The other party cannot simply say &quot;you don't really feel that way&quot; or &quot;that is not what I'm saying/doing&quot;. Since you are pointing out explicitly what the other party is saying/doing, there is no room for argument, nor can anyone tell you how you feel, it is your feelings. This is different from the other example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you are being racist, it makes me feel like I am being discriminated against because of the color of my skin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this example, instead of explicitly stating what is being done, we are calling the other person a racist. This leaves them room to argue the point or simply so &quot;no I'm not.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing these two things (1. avoiding telling others they are privileged and 2. using the XY phrasing), it will be much easier to have a conversation with someone about their behavior. It is a lot easier for a person to hear that their actions hurt you as opposed to them as a person being labeled as a racist, sexist, etc..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is being hurtful &lt;strong&gt;without the intent of doing so&lt;/strong&gt;, they will be much more willing to listen to how you feel rather than what kind of person you think they are. If they do have the intent to hurt you, I'm afraid there is little you can say to change them. Others will see the effort you put forth and will see the actions of those you interact with though, let them see that you were nothing but compassionate while the other party was nothing but hurtful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer was in direct response to &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When someone from a minority group says &quot;that's racist/sexist/homophobic/etc&quot; and the retort from someone from a majority group is, more or less, &quot;no it isn't&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and the use of &quot;pop-terms.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those terms/labels can be insulting to many so it is best to avoid those terms/labels and focus specifically and explicitly on the actions that you found hurtful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12779" LastEditorUserId="12779" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T12:12:38.007" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T12:12:38.007" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-09T18:19:10.343" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The literal answer to &quot;How can I effectively tell people that their defensiveness over me bringing up an issue is part of the issue??&quot; is that you most likely can't, at least not in a direct way. There's no shortcut to changing someones mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than attempting to convince someone of something/change their views, either: be willing to engage someone completely, which means opening yourself up to their perspective and attempting to understand where they're coming from (while also sharing your own feelings/perspective in a safe, nonjudgemental way), or don't engage at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By a) looking for a simple/canned response and b) only concerning yourself with pointing out what's wrong with the other person, I think you're only making the problem worse (there are many other outstanding answers explaining why people are likely to become more entrenched in their views based on the tone of the question, so I won't restate all that here.) You're also not opening yourself up to the possibility of learning/updating your own views, which will allow you to grow and be that much more effective in dealing with the next person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest considering the following before deciding to engage or not:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do I have the time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do I have the energy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do I respect this person and believe they're coming from a good place&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't answer yes to all of these, just move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary: go all in (and be open yourself!), or not at all. And good luck :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Response to added example:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;So let’s analyze this example and come up with a strategy for how one might improve the outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before we even get started, we already have a couple of problems. First, these people are engaged in a conversation that doesn’t involve you, and second, they seem to be in agreement. This is a strong indicator that they are simply venting/looking for confirmation and not looking to debate the fact (or at least not open to a direct challenge of their views). This puts you in a tough spot where you’ll need to find a tactful/charming way to enter the conversation or risk putting them on the defensive as they will feel they’ve been attacked out of nowhere (exactly how to do this is not my strength, so you’ll need to research/practice elsewhere.) The importance of this step cannot be overstated, as you’re likely doomed if you fail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you’ve made your way into the conversation without raising any alarm bells, you’ll need to maintain a level of charm/likability (likability may be the wrong word here, but the idea is to not be seen as threatening/abrasive) for the duration of the conversation. This can be a serious blind spot for people so have a friend or someone you trust help you to evaluate yourself (if this fails you can even make recordings of yourself and watch them). Many people come off as more abrasive than they think when trying to argue a point (I have this problem personally).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now how do we structure the actual conversation and make our argument? First, don’t assume all humans are logical creatures who will respond to reason in all situations. This is a big part of what I think is leading to your frustration in the first place. What we want to do instead is use the information available to make a guess at how we may best get through to them. We've already established that, in this case, a direct challenge to their views may be ineffective, so let's try appealing to their emotions and/or sense of self. Perhaps we can weave a relatable story to help them see themselves in the shoes of the oppressed. There's a bit of an art to this, but the most important thing is to never accuse them of anything or make them feel as though they're under attack. Instead we want to make them feel safe, like they’re having a conversation with a friend, so find something in what they say that you can agree with (and tell them!), even if it means taking an optimistic view of their position. Perfecting this will take practice, so be patient. Some basic psych/personality research can be helpful in coming up with strategies to relate to people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One final point, going back to my original answer: you simply won’t convince everyone. Choose your battles, and even when you &quot;lose&quot;, feel good knowing that you stood up for what you believe in, and did so in a way that you can be proud of. By engaging people in a positive way, even when you don’t succeed in swaying them, know that you will forever live on in their minds as a positive example of that which you represent. That in itself is a powerful way to chip away at biases and make a lasting impact. Perhaps more powerful than any argument you could hope to make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5341" LastEditorUserId="5341" LastEditDate="2018-05-12T03:29:36.030" LastActivityDate="2018-05-12T03:29:36.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-09T18:59:30.143" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yowers!  There are a lot of very forceful answers here.  It is possible to get this done and remain friendly and inviting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We also have a no-shoes policy, and we have found the following to be very effective.  At the moment that we open the door (no matter which side of it we are on), we will just say in the friendliest, most welcoming tone possible:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Take off your shoes, come on in, and make yourself at home!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't assume that they remember from a prior visit.  It's not their job to remember our house policies.  We just say the statement when we open the door.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never had to correct anyone or strong-arm them beyond this simple, warm sentence.  It's friendly, easy, and straightforward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="65" LastEditorUserId="65" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T10:48:20.770" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T10:48:20.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14092" CreationDate="2018-05-09T20:01:40.847" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Don't &lt;em&gt;inform&lt;/em&gt; them of anything.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, seek to understand their positions fully, and in so doing you will expose yourself to the reasoning underlying their positions and highlight any logical/rhetorical/social problems that their reasoning and/or conclusions may exhibit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly second Farquad's suggestion of the Socratic Method, but would further suggest that you not apply it in a confrontational way. Asking a question as a direct challenge (&quot;Lots of women do X, so how can it be masculine?&quot;) is confrontational and dismissive of the other person's point. After all, you're presenting a &quot;question&quot; not so much to gather further information but instead to illustrate how totally wrong the other person is. That is something that most people, in my experience, dislike. It may have some extra baggage when coming from a man and directed at a person who identifies herself as a feminist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In situations like this, I try to keep a refrain going in my mind. Something along the lines of &quot;I just want to understand&quot;, or &quot;I'm just not getting it&quot;. If the comment is, &quot;What good is he if he can't (stereotypically masculine thing)&quot;, questions might try to tease out something like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why are some behaviors gender-coded? How does blithely accepting that gendered element to behavior fit with feminism's traditional rejection of so much of that coding?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The questions themselves should be presented more gently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I may not be well-informed enough about these issues, but it seems to me that you're accepting that gender-coded activities are valid and meaningful for men. Feminists have struggled against that same idea with a lot of activities that used to be 'feminine'. Could you tell me more about your thinking on this topic?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Don't get too bogged down in specific terminology when it is not necessary.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Misandry is a real word and a real thing, just as is misogyny. But the latter gets heavy use and has some additional social and political heft. Are you certain that you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; use that word to get your point across? A comment like &quot;I get the impression that if I described something about women this way you wouldn't be so accepting of it. Am I mistaken about that, and, if not, what is your argument for why it's OK to apply gendered stereotypes in the one direction but not the other?&quot; gets at all the same questions but avoids a mostly worthless argument over terminology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Recognize that it's possible for you, yourself, to be mistaken.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is more a general purpose piece of advice, but &lt;em&gt;telling&lt;/em&gt; someone something about the content of &lt;em&gt;their own arguments&lt;/em&gt;, and by implication the content of &lt;em&gt;their own minds&lt;/em&gt; is a pretty arrogant thing to do. Sometimes it's useful, and sometimes it's necessary, but when doing so you are expressing that your judgment is definitely correct, the other person's judgment is definitely wrong, and that you are in a position to assess and correct their errors. That attitude is the core of the idea of &quot;mansplaining&quot; (or any other form of [x]splaining). This is true even in cases where you are irrefutably correct (about, say, a mathematical proof, perhaps). The idea that you already have all valid and relevant information and that you are bestowing it on someone who, in your assessment, totally lacks it is dismissive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By allowing rhetorical space for your own position to be mistaken or incomplete you prompt less of a fight and more of a conversation. A conversation sounds like what you're looking for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Be prepared to be disappointed.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a foregone conclusion, but lots of people are obstinately wrong about things. If this particular group of individuals hears your assessment, then you've informed them of what you wanted to tell them about. They may or may not change their thinking and/or behaviors in any way. That's beyond your control, and efforts to &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; others come around to your way of thinking often go over poorly. I think that that may be particularly true in the case of a man lecturing an explicitly feminist group consisting entirely of (presumably, from how the question is written) women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presenting your positions and arguments is easy. Doing so and being satisfied afterwards is less so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T20:01:40.847" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14228" CreationDate="2018-05-09T20:48:44.850" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you include&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;even after I told you not to do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;in your question, you are asserting that the expected norm is &quot;I tell you not to do it, you stop doing it.&quot; Your question will be interpreted in that context. You are in charge of whether the person does it or not and can't understand why they won't stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be a fair position. If the thing is &quot;interrupting me&quot; then I am in charge of whether people can do that. If the thing is &quot;taking my stuff&quot; or &quot;making a mess on my desk&quot; then again, asserting my right to stop someone doing that is fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if the thing is &quot;wearing white pants in the winter&quot; or &quot;riding a bike to work&quot; or a whole pile of things that aren't really your business, then explaining why they shouldn't do the thing is unlikely to work, and following up to ask why they haven't taken your advice yet isn't going to end well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you want (insist on, demand) an explanation, and without it, you are going to keep right on telling the person not to do it. This makes no sense to me. Either it's your business (I don't want to smell your smoke or perfume; I don't like my desk being messed up; I feel harassed by those pinup images you use as a desktop background; I expect my spouse to be faithful to me) or it's not. But if there is some in-between area where you feel you're within your rights to order this person around, but will stop on receipt of a &quot;good enough&quot; reason, here's how to ask for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I noticed you're still X. We talked about it last week, so you know I don't like when you X because reasons. I kind of thought I had convinced you to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;pause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So what did I miss? Why is this something you still do? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;pause. listen. If you get a bunch of &quot;it's my choice and it's not up to you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not ordering you to stop X. I'm trying to understand why you X, what makes that a good thing for you. Because as you know, I just have all these reasons for not-X and clearly I am missing something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibly elaborate on why your relationship (as coworkers, room-mates, siblings, neighbours or whatever) requires you to understand this about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If necessary,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know I can't make you stop X. I can ask you to, because it's important to me, and I can tell you why it's important to me. But right now, I don't understand why it's important to you. I want to understand that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be surprised if for some people in your life they just laugh. They may tell you it's none of your business, it's their choice, and you don't get a vote. They may even be right -- your neighbour doesn't have to paint their house a colour you like, your coworker doesn't have to wear clothes you approve of as long as they are not actively offensive, your sibling doesn't have to date only people you want them to date. You may have to accept that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T20:48:44.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14264" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14228" CreationDate="2018-05-09T22:05:31.743" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to decide what do you really want: Do you want an explanation why they are doing it, or do you want them to stop doing it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not saying anything about the actual situation, but I assume it's something that is wrong in your opinion, and something where I and most reasonable people would agree. So that person is a wrongdoer, and you want an explanation why they are doing this. Like asking a burglar why they are breaking into your home. Or asking your husband why he never puts the toilet seat down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with this is that the person would have to admit their intentional wrongdoing. The burglar hasn't thought about what he's doing and how it affects people. The burglar might say &quot;Because I want your money and I don't care one bit about you&quot;. What would you expect the husband to say? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is good reason for doing the thing, they would have told you long ago. If there is no good reason for doing it, then your &quot;why&quot; question will quite predictably lead to very, very strong resistance. The only two things that are useful to say are &quot;Stop doing it&quot; and &quot;Stop doing it, or else&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just read your update. My answer is the same. What does it matter &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; he makes these edits? Explain to him why what he is doing is bad (which he might not have understood), and tell him to stop it. Or else. And find out what &quot;or else&quot; you can use to make him stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-05-13T15:12:27.490" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T15:12:27.490" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14228" CreationDate="2018-05-09T22:30:39.940" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Just to make it concrete let's say the person's name is Sam and you asked him not to touch you at all, even including not tapping your shoulder. You asked instead if he would wave his hand in your peripheral vision to get your attention.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &amp;quot;Hey Sam, I'm a little puzzled about something and I wonder if you can help me—got a minute?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sam: &amp;quot;Sure.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &amp;quot;A little earlier today you tapped me on the shoulder, and honestly, after asking you last Friday to wave your hand instead, I was surprised because I was pretty much expecting you not to do that any more. It really does bother me when people do that. Could you help me understand what's going on?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a non-offensive yet direct way to seek the information you want. It makes it clear that you have an issue to talk about, but you don't assume a single thing about his motives, nor do you make interpretations or characterizations of his actions. You remain 100% factual. You got out of the way any complaints he could make about timing by asking if he had a minute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to be prepared for answers he might give that aren't satisfying. You might get exactly what you want, but also he could surprise you with something upsetting or bizarre (to you) such as &amp;quot;Oh, I know you don't want me to, but it's not a big deal. I'm helping you get over your problem.&amp;quot; Who knows how he may respond. However, you don't have to have an answer to everything. In the case where you're surprised, just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Huh. That is a surprising response. I did not see that coming! Okay, well, thanks for letting me know your thoughts on this. I'm going to have to think about it and will probably be getting back to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you don't sound upset, then you can have all the time you need to figure out what to do next—even post here, or call a friend, or see a therapist, or just make a decision, whatever your process needs to be to move forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One aspect that I think is worth mentioning, though, is that there are times when we wish people wouldn't do things, but we have no right to really expect them to stop. It might be &lt;em&gt;reasonable&lt;/em&gt; for the person to stop, but it may not be &lt;em&gt;realistic&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way you spoke about the things you're asking people not to do makes me suspect that you don't have a true &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; to expect them to stop. This method will still work just as well to gain insight, but you will likely have to handle a negative response differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the relationship—stranger, boss, spouse, friend, coworker, social club, etc.—you may also have the option of calling on the strength of that relationship. For example, with a coworker you might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Sam, I totally respect you as a colleague and I'd really like to have a good working relationship with you, yet I'm having a hard time with the situation about you doing X. I don't want to make unfair demands or expect things that are unreasonable, though, so I wonder if you could tell me more about this situation—what am I missing? I honestly expected that you'd stop, but clearly my expectations were poorly matched to reality. Yet, X really does bother me and even distracts me from working sometimes. Can we figure out a path forward that works for both of us, even if it's just gaining better understanding?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a slightly less &amp;quot;it's all me&amp;quot; type of communication. You still are being very neutral, but you're presenting the issue as a problem between you, not just something that you &amp;quot;prefer&amp;quot;. You've hinted that this issue may prevent you from having a good working relationship with him. And it affects your performance (distracting). Being direct in this way is so very hard to do, but it is the honorable path forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at that point, your coworker says what amounts to &amp;quot;go stuff it&amp;quot; then you have more hard decisions to make. How can you win him over? Should you in fact get help from your boss? Is there a way to solve it without changing his behavior? Do something that directly fixes the problem such as (none of these are bribes): Wear headphones so you can't hear the noise, move your desk so you're farther from the problem, come in earlier so you have more time to yourself, come in later so he's already at lunch when you arrive, buy him a new pen that doesn't make click sounds, help him get a new chair purchased that's more comfortable but doesn't spin/make noise, etc., whatever might solve the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is that you have choices, you can speak to people about problems in non-offensive ways, and you are not a doormat who has to take absolutely anything people send your way while remaining silent the whole time, having no voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T18:27:50.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14092" CreationDate="2018-05-09T22:49:20.607" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on the [momentary?] change in title, here is another strategy that avoids conflict and is memorable, yet causes them to rethink what they have said against men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;When the group next comes to your place, bake cookies for them.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show, don't tell.&lt;/strong&gt; Show them that you are not bound by gender limitations. Show them that the world would be a worse place if everyone limited themselves to what they were stereotypically supposed to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's deep &lt;strong&gt;symbolism&lt;/strong&gt; here if you go with the cookies, since second-wave feminists &lt;a href=&quot;https://qz.com/762881/the-blatantly-sexist-cookie-bake-off-that-has-haunted-hillary-clinton-for-two-decades-is-back/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;often equated things like cooking and baking with being forced into a single gender role&lt;/a&gt;. It also hearkens to the Simpsons episode where Homer and Marge back different people for governor, with Homer inviting Mr. Burns over for a media circus, and Homer tells Marge, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.simpsoncrazy.com/scripts/two-cars&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;But you do get to express yourself! In the lovely home you keep, and the food you serve.&quot;&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, &lt;strong&gt;a gesture of goodwill&lt;/strong&gt; can often soften people's attitudes and help restart a tricky relationship. (If you know that half of them are vegan, then &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/vegan-chocolate-chip-cookies/46353ed1-3071-4603-8c48-767dc73fe188&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;use a vegan recipe&lt;/a&gt; or figure out what &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; be a clear goodwill gesture for them. Same thing if you don't think you could bake good cookies; find something that works for you and them.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While they're eating, you could explicitly say that you wanted to remind them that you don't want them to just assume all men are one way and should be one way; there are plenty of answers here that suggest what words you could use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This strategy of &lt;strong&gt;show, don't tell&lt;/strong&gt; and conveying &lt;strong&gt;goodwill&lt;/strong&gt; will hopefully generalize to other groups in other situations, even if the specifics of it do not. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastEditorUserId="13415" LastEditDate="2018-05-09T22:54:34.180" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T22:54:34.180" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-09T23:00:03.200" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is a good question to which some very good answers have been given which I am not going to reiterate here. For the basis of my answer, I am adding a few premises, so as not to cover ground that has already been covered by others:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are not directly personally involved. This does not mean it does not affect you. Personally, I can empathize with most minorities, being a member of one (several), and that empathy can certainly extend to feelings of anger in me when a minorities' experience is denied or downplayed in a discussion. Still, my involvement in such a discussion is indirect.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The discussion has already reached a point where alienation or entrenchment occurs. For example, by the use of words such as racist, homophobic, privileged and many others. In my experience such words only serve as red flag waving in front of a bull. For the reasons behind this alienation see Ash'es answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your underlying goal is to be supportive of the minority and possibly to reach some level of understanding in the majority. That is, the majority becomes somewhat aware of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mote_and_the_Beam&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;beam&lt;/a&gt; in their own eye. This is about the best you can hope for.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First: Count to ten. Take a deep breath. Let the anger flow from your mind, it clouds your judgement and biases your words towards yet more alienation and entrenchment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second: do you care enough to spend time and energy? If you don't, let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third: do you estimate that a sufficient part of the majority is still willing to suspend judgement and actually hear arguments out? Do you think they will care enough? Don't fight battles that are already lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show support and empathy for the minority&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is important because it demonstrates to the participants which side has your empathy. However, do this with without further alienation, so don't endorse the use of red flag words. Simple sentences such as 'I feel for you', 'I can see where you are coming from' are best. It does not hurt to show empathy for some members of the majority too (&quot;I realize your best intentions and your desire to understand.&quot;). No buts here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Give evidence for the minorities' viewpoint&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the bit that takes time and energy because it requires some research. You can use:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;anecdotal evidence ('I have friend that's been held up by the police several times this year and ...')&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;selective&lt;/em&gt; quotes from research augmented with your interpretation of it. Give links if necessary. ('Incidence of suicide attempts among homosexuals is two to three times as high as the heterosexual population. I suggest that this at least partly due to low self-esteem caused by discrimination and ...')&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;explanations about the underlying psychological/economic/social mechanisms (give links) ('poor education results in on average lower income jobs, which results in on average poor education for the next generation which ...')&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;anything else as long as it is fact or observation based, not opinion based.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Defuse generalizations and appeals to religious tenets and conspiracy theories&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing fuels alienation better than generalizations and claims to higher authority. Do this on both sides and do this by simply correcting and careful rephrasing ('Men are oversexualized pigs!' becomes 'Some men are hypersexual and have a lack of consideration for ....', ). Beliefs are defused by acknowledging that they exist and prefacing that acknowledgement with 'Some believe that ..' or even 'A lot of people believe that ...'. Keep it with the individuals in the discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Listen, reflect and question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This comes close to the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socratic_method&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;socratic method&lt;/a&gt; but sometimes open questions work better than the closed ones aimed at refutation (but avoid why?). Or a tactful hint that the interlocutor do some home work. The purpose here is not to win the argument, but to understand the arguments and possibly to sow a seed of doubt, &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aporia&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;aporia&lt;/a&gt; if you will. To give an example: 'So, you are saying that abortion should be forbidden. Under all circumstances?'/'Yes'/'Even if the fetus is not viable and would likely cause the death of the mother if carried to term?'/'Yes'/'So there must be some overriding reason than the medical one, can you tell me which is it?'/'Abortion is an abomination in the eye of God'/'Religion trumps medical necessity. Interesting. You do realize that one of the foundations of this nation is freedom of religion?'/'Yes, but the founding fathers meant christian religion'/and so on, and so on ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Explain the harm felt by the minority&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This only works once the alienation has reduced because it is an emotional appeal. It is harder to do the further you are away of the minority. Do show your vulnerability or lack of personal experience in the area of discrimination. Personally, I am a white gynephylic transwoman, mildly atheistic, so it is hard for me to identify with, say, a religious homosexual man of color facing discrimination issues in their congregation. While I can empathize, I cannot share their pain in meaningful detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastActivityDate="2018-05-09T23:00:03.200" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-09T23:07:39.803" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Other have covered judging whether or not you even want to get into this conversation, and there are a lot of times where there is never going to be a fast and easy way to broach this topic.  However, if you want a starting point for pointing out problematic stuff in a way that will hopefully make it a bit more palatable to the person you're talking to, I'd say make sure all your language focuses on an action or a behavior, rather than the person doing the behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People hate to be called racist, sexist, or homophobic.  These are labels that we all associate with &quot;bad people.&quot;  Your conversational partner's thought process probably goes something like this: &quot;If someone is a racist, then they are a bad person; I am don't think I'm a bad person, therefore I cannot be a racist.&quot;  A person with that inner monolog is immediately going to get defensive if they're called a racist.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had some success with pointing out that a specific behavior, statement, or action is racist, rather than telling the person who performed the behavior that they are a racist.  This makes it less about the person's identity and self-defined status as a &quot;good person&quot; and more about one behavior or action that you want to comment on.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;That's racist&quot; is also too close to &quot;You're a racist&quot;.  If you want to point out an action, name the action first and go into detail, so that by the time you get to the word &quot;racist&quot; it's clear that it's an action being discussed, not the whole identity and self-worth of the person you're talking to.  You can also just point out the behavior as problematic and leave the word &quot;racist&quot; implied.  It should be clear enough given a certain level of detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also caution that &quot;when you do x, I feel y&quot; language is best when you're talking to someone who is close to you and cares about how you feel.  Some casual acquaintances may be put off by sudden talk of personal feelings.  I've had success with close family members saying &quot;I feel uncomfortable when I hear [word for gay people] used a a pejorative.&quot;  I would never say this to someone who wasn't close to me.  I'd probably just leave it (I've decided this particular battle isn't worth it for me with a lot of people).  If I did bring it up, I'd say something like &quot;I know you're probably not even thinking of this definition when you say stuff like that, but [word for gay people] does refers to gay people, so when it's casually used as a pejorative, that's inherently comparing gayness to something negative, which can come across as homophobic.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edited to add:&#xA;After reading the updated version of the question, I realize that what you're essentially talking about is white fragility.  People who think about this sort of thing for a living still haven't figured out a quick and easy way around this particular mental defense mechanism, but it might be interesting to read &lt;a href=&quot;https://libjournal.uncg.edu/ijcp/article/viewFile/249/116&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;the paper&lt;/a&gt; on this topic (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.beacon.org/White-Fragility-P1346.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;or the whole book&lt;/a&gt;), if it's something you're really interested in.  Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17655" LastEditorUserId="17655" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T20:25:53.043" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T20:25:53.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14269" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14219" CreationDate="2018-05-10T00:11:38.997" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The general pattern that works best is to offer to give them a chance to explore your view on the issue, rather than trying to compel them to accept your view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You specifically target a few very hot topics regarding gender, race, etc.  However, if you look at society as a whole, this pattern occurs &lt;em&gt;everywhere&lt;/em&gt;.  There isn't a facet of society that I know of where we don't have one person who tries to compel agreement by arguing that they fully understand the issue, which is implicitly what is happening when someone labels a phrase as &quot;homophobic,&quot; &quot;racist,&quot; or even more benign terms like &quot;nerdy.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We view issues in a wide variety of ways.  Sometimes we view things as a zero-sum game, where I must lose for you to win.  Other times we view things in a more cooperative way, where everyone can win if we all play along.  Practically speaking, everything tends to fall on the spectrum between.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one is viewing a situation as a zero-sum game, the kind of resistance you see is incredibly natural.  If I label my own actions/speech as &quot;racist,&quot; then I give you the power to take my freedom to say/do what I want in order to decrease how much your feelings are hurt.  The only way for you to win is for me to lose.  As a general trend in humanity, it is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; rare to come across an individual who chooses to lose so that others win.  Generally speaking, they are considered to be terminally brain damaged if they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If one is viewing a situation as a more cooperative environment, then you start to see more of the behaviors you want to see.  You see people trying to rise above racism, or homophobia, or any other negative label.  You see people trying to rely on each other.  As a general trend in humanity, when we see individuals who appear to choose to lose so that others can win, if we look deeper, we typically find that that individual was seeing things from a cooperative point of view; they were seeking a win-win.  Generally speaking, this is not considered to be brain damaged.  In fact, we tend to use terms like &quot;civility&quot; and &quot;being human&quot; to describe this sort of cooperative thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you want to change the situation, the key is to try to encourage the other person to engage in this sort of cooperative thinking.  The first step to this is not engaging them in a combative way.  If you say &quot;That's racist,&quot; you're already combating them, because you are trying to make a negative label stick on them.  Perhaps one could argue that such combat is good, typically by arguing that it forces change, but I will not make such arguments here.  As a general rule, using phrasings like that will cause people to view the situation as a zero-sum environment, which is probably the hardest environment to get your point across in.  What you really want to do is to get them to think cooperatively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of providing labels, you can provide opportunities.  Instead of trying to label them as &quot;racist&quot; or &quot;homophobic,&quot; or anything like that, treat them as a person.  You are clearly hurt by something that happened - give them the opportunity to explore what that means without labeling it.  There does seem to be a trend in humans to not want their neighbor to be hurting.  If they don't perceive risk (i.e. do not perceive a zero-sum game), humans will tend to try to help stop their neighbor's hurting.  But this only works if they think they are interacting with a full-fledged human being, rather than a mere labeled sterotype.  To use a few example labels, it's not &quot;a black person&quot; that's hurting, or &quot;a female&quot; that's hurting, or &quot;a homosexual that's hurting.&quot;  Its &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; that is hurting.  &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; are the person whose hurt they are trying to learn how to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And let them decide how to respond to that.  They don't necessarily have to come to your viewpoint.  They may retain their way of thinking, but speak more carefully around you.  They may come to your point of view.  They may continue to act &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; the same way they did, but under the hood, they may start thinking about these issues, trying to make sense of them from their point of view.  You won't get to force change via this approach, but paradoxically, it's the best way to guarantee change happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are plenty of variations on this, some of which permit using labels like &quot;racist&quot; as feints in some form of linguistic judo.  You can learn all sorts of ways to play this game.  But fundamentally, in the end, they all come down to this same pattern: it is more efficient to get people to cooperate by getting them to think in a cooperating form than to try to compel them while they are thinking of a zero-sum game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe one particular variation does deserve note: as a general rule, people want to be understood.  If you are actively seeking to understand their position, they are more inclined to stay in the cooperative modes and try to understand your position.  &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daryl_Davis&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Daryl Davis&lt;/a&gt; is poster child of this approach, convincing over 200 KKK members to hang up their robes simply by talking to them and &lt;em&gt;listening&lt;/em&gt; to them, but you don't have to be Daryl to try it.  If you are willing to consider the possibility that your own position may not be perfect, then they may be able to help you as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a personal example, I hate the use of the word &quot;equality&quot; in these sorts of arguments.  I strongly dislike the idea that humans can be arranged on a number line with &quot;less than,&quot; &quot;equal,&quot; and &quot;greater than.&quot;  The ideal I prefer is something I use the term &quot;non-comparable&quot; for.  So when I talk with people about these issues, it is critical for me to remain open and listen to them.  A good portion of the time, I find that what they call &quot;equality&quot; is actually much closer to what I call &quot;non-comparable,&quot; and so I find an ally who agrees with me in everything except the label to use.  Other times, I find that I can help steer their ideals closer to mine, while learning from their experiences how I might better drive society closer to what I call &quot;non-comparable&quot; while making them hurt less.  I find that if I try to encourage them to say in a cooperative mindset, there's a lot more agreement than might be apparent at first.  Done right, our disagreement on labels matters not at all.  (Not to claim I do it right all the time.  Ooooooh my, do I do it wrong some times!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T00:11:38.997" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14231" CreationDate="2018-05-10T02:16:58.183" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first person to answer already offered some really useful philosophical perspective and emotional advice. It's true that Jon is responsible for his own feelings, but if you have already decided to help him and you feel committed to be there for him, then... my answer is more on the practical side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be contagious.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, on the matter of him skipping classes or exams: Go to his place and study with him all the time, prepare for exams together, do homework together, even if you are not in the same classes. Tell him his company helps you to avoid procrastinating (it will, so you are not lying), he will probably also know what you are doing if he is not dumb and he most likely will appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you are not being intrusive (you asked for a non intrusive approach), you are not forcing him to talk about anything, but be aware that he might vent out his feelings with you eventually or even lash out, he is in pain. Your commitment will be put to the test.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply being there and being helpful does work, he might not say it or open up, but it does definitely work and it is appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went through a similar phase when I was about to finish college, my whole family left me alone with a bunch of family responsibilities on top of my college final semester, everyone was dealing with their own issues at different cities blablabla, the point is that, this girl that was in love with me, kept going to visit me at least for an hour, several times a week, sometimes even more extended periods. If she noticed I hadn't done the dishes she would start washing them and that was enough to make me feel bad about a visitor doing my chores and I would gently intervene so she didn't wash my dishes. She would make conversation, she would bring other friends to cheer me up or distract me, she even called the police when she saw a stranger going inside my house when I was not there. I started pampering her out of gratitude for her company, for example cooking for her which she loveloveloved: japanese cuisine, baking pizzas, anything italian or mexican, whatever I felt I was good at. That helped a lot in bringing my spirits up. Even when I didn't fall in love with her during those days as she might have had expected, she kept being there for me, without putting her life on pause of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that phase was left behind and I finished college and moved to a different city, her constant presence and the memories of her kept growing on me throughout the years, her occasional surprise calls saying she needed to know from me made her unforgettable, and I now feel deep love for her, even when married I know she still loves me too, one day she hinted she would leave her husband for me if I snapped my fingers. But that's a different topic altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, it does work, it helps, it strengthens the relationship too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T18:33:12.813" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T18:33:12.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14272" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14280" CreationDate="2018-05-10T04:40:32.753" Score="36" ViewCount="13136" Body="&lt;p&gt;On over 3 occasions at different supermarkets in the same neighbourhood, I've bumped into the same person asking to cut in line. He usually says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry. Can I please go in front? I'm in a big hurry. I have only 2 small items [a beverage and container from the prepared foods bar]. I'll be quick!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I don't believe him, how can I refuse his request without offending him? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T19:53:11.693" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T10:16:04.430" Title="How can I tactfully refuse to let someone cut in line?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-05-15T07:16:21.423" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14277" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-10T08:22:40.657" Score="78" ViewCount="22095" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a female in the UK, I'm expected to drop my last name and take my (male) partners' name when we get married - there's no law against me keeping my last name, though it's generally frowned upon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ever since I asked my Mum from a young age &quot;Why does the girl have to take the guys last name?&quot; and she informed me that we don't, and in fact her Aunt kept her name when she married, I never wanted to drop my last name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm not saying that I'm expecting my partner to take my last name and drop theirs (though in this case, when it comes to it, he's willing to), I've always been willing to compromise and double barrel or we just keep our own names.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that it's generally males who have a problem with me wanting to keep my last name, females sometimes start of a little confused but soon accept my decision, whereas guys generally don't. As a result, I get asked &quot;Why?&quot;. I have my reasons (which my partner knows and understands), though I don't see why they matter since guys never have to explain themselves. I was recently asked to explain myself, and I did, and he then belittled my reasons after saying he wouldn't judge me, which made me regret explaining my position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I get asked &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why won't you drop your last name?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or questions of a similar nature, by someone I'm not too friendly with or don't trust to not judge/belittle my reasons, I'd like to explain how it's my decision without having to explain myself, the ways guys aren't expected to explain theirselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For clarification, I do not have children, nor am I planning to anytime soon.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm aware that not all males feel as if the women should take the last name.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's not always people who I don't know or aren't that friendly with who think that I should take the guys name, for example a (female) family friend heavily criticised my decision to keep my last name when it was brought up in conversation by my Mum, and even proceeded to say &quot;I don't see the point in marriage if you don't take the guys last name&quot;. In this case my Mum defended my position and tried quickly to shut the conversation down before it became a heated debate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't actively bring up this fact, it generally arises organically in conversation, and can be brought up by friends and family members who are aware (see my above point).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16638" LastEditorUserId="16638" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T13:25:06.920" LastActivityDate="2018-12-23T05:59:36.537" Title="Not having to explain my reasons for wanting to keep my last name" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="20" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14272" CreationDate="2018-05-10T08:33:17.503" Score="91" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just in case this person is &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; in a hurry every time &lt;sup&gt;(1)&lt;/sup&gt;, I would not give any reason/excuse, because that may backfire with any possible fake / true counter-argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just let them know that &quot;&lt;em&gt;my time is as valuable as theirs&lt;/em&gt;&quot; (in spirit, not with words, as this is most probably seen as aggressive).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It means that I don't see any reason why I would let them be/feel more important than me, or why I would be the one being nice, or even be the one that makes the effort. We both have reasons, personal ones. As sad as it can be: &lt;strong&gt;1st on line, 1st to go&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I am in a hurry too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not more, not less. Door's closed. No need to explain, no need to argue.&#xA;You say no, set boundaries, and avoid conflict most of the time by being straight to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, @Hanky-Panky's 1st paragraph &lt;sup&gt;(2)&lt;/sup&gt; points out a very good point, and I agree. I would just avoid the (white) lie, and/or give any reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. A friend of mine was switching jobs (2 different companies) every evening: finish at 06:00 PM, start at 06:30 PM (30mn to stop, grab a sandwich and a bottle of water form the small grocery store, eat it and back to work. Always in a hurry, always looking for the smallest line. Sometimes, had to let the food and move without buying because of the time running. She would not clock in late, so she'd rather not eat.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2. (from Hanky-Panky's answer) Since the person who asked you for a place used urgency as an excuse, he/she would not be able to argue if the same reason is presented to them in return. And by keeping it short and to the point, you take away any chance of a counter argument.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T08:50:35.250" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T08:50:35.250" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T09:19:39.617" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you get asked the question &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;, then you have to give some kind of answer, otherwise you're just ignoring them, which isn't your goal. Your answer needs to be succinct, truthful, and not leave the door open for any further questioning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people do not like their own values challenged, so if your answer manages to give them something new to think about whilst avoiding taking &quot;high ground&quot; there is the greatest chance they will just back down. In a way, you yourself are looking for a way to avoid being challenged, although I don't mean that negatively in your case - you have decided to go against the norm, whereas the reason many don't like to be challenged is because alternate decisions show them up to be crowd follower. People often challenge the decisions of others because they are insecure about the decision they made themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some possible answers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't have any good reason to change it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will not be able to give you a good reason, especially if they haven't thought about it. The exception to this might be &lt;em&gt;&quot;what about your children's names&quot;&lt;/em&gt; but I'll get to that in a moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm already known professionally by my own name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only use this if it is true, of course. But again this could be a silencer if your questioner does not have a particularly professional career themselves. They won't want to talk about anything that compares your &quot;success&quot; to their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My husband and I don't think I need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows unity between your husband and yourself. Many insecure people are lacking that unity themselves so again this could be the question stopper you are looking for. &lt;em&gt;Don't&lt;/em&gt; say &quot;&lt;em&gt;my husband and I agree..&lt;/em&gt;&quot; because that can be misinterpreted as &quot;&lt;em&gt;I made my husband agree...&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that the most popular argument used &lt;em&gt;by women&lt;/em&gt; in favour of women changing their name is that you should have the same name as your children, for the sake of your children. You haven't stated whether or not you have any, or if you intend to, but that doesn't mean you won't hear this argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A possible answer to this may be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wonder how unmarried parents deal with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This both gives them something to think about and deflects the discussion away from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T09:19:39.617" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14282" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14284" CreationDate="2018-05-10T09:29:12.257" Score="9" ViewCount="1884" Body="&lt;p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I'm male, 20, and going to university in the USA. My family is of Indian heritage, but lives in the U.S. They pay for most of my tuition and housing costs. In my particular cultural segment, it's considered bad to get a job while studying, as it distracts from coursework; you &quot;repay&quot; by getting good grades.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, it's worth mentioning that in my culture, even after one becomes a legal adult, they are still considered a member of the family and the &quot;child&quot; of the parents until they are fully settled (e.g. in a salaried job, married, etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a long time of considering my overall feelings, I've realized that I'm an aromantic asexual, meaning that I do not experience sexual or romantic feelings towards others in the same manner as those of other orientations. I do not experience any desire to date or be in a sexual or romantic relationship with anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This year, I've lived with a roommate that frequently invited other men over; they'd play video games loudly and frequently yell out expletives and misogynistic comments. I find such comments personally offensive, and am (unfortunately) quite hesitant to stop people from making such comments, for fear of being perceived negatively and sort of as a result of my autism spectrum disorder (irrelevant to this question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, for this upcoming school year, I made the decision to stay in a co-ed living arrangement. I feel like this is the best choice for me because I feel like I will get along much better with my housemates if I'm in a mixed living situation, and I feel very uncomfortable with the various things that are bound to get uttered if I'm in an all-male living situation (but my perspective could just be slanted).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, as I'm still expected to share certain details about my life with my parents, I'm a little scared that they'll get mad if I just tell them that I'm in a mixed living situation, and might even take actions to get me away from it. They told me in an unrelated context that I should not be living with any females; I naïvely asked why, and they told me that they are &quot;dirty&quot;. (I didn't prod them on any further.) I really don't believe that that is the real reason, and while I did vaguely tell them I don't have much of a desire to date or be in a relationship, I'm sure that they will freak out if they realize that I'm in a mixed living situation because of &quot;sexual&quot; reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convey to my parents that I'm signed up for a co-ed apartment next year and do not intend to change my living plans, and reduce the chances that they will get mad at me or start taking actions against the arrangement?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt; Due to complicated reasons beyond my control, I've been moved into a single-gender apartment. Thanks for the great answers; I'm still leaving this open in case others want to answer this in case someone else has the same question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11936" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T17:37:51.493" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T17:37:51.493" Title="How can I explain to my parents my decision to live in co-ed housing next year?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T09:58:25.013" Score="90" Body="&lt;p&gt;My solution (if I am in a bad mood) was to simply ask back&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why should I?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;the only answer &quot;because it is tradition&quot;, to which I respond &quot;SO?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been married 25 years now, it is amazing how well this works, as long as you have the attitude to go with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have given the kids my surname as a middle name like I thought they did in Spain but turns out i misunderstood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but the best answer is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We will think about naming kids when I am pregnant, not even thinking about it yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which really doesn't have any suitable comeback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nicked From comments:&#xA;I think this works even if you're not in a bad mood. &#xA;All you have to do is smile, shrug, and ask, &quot;Why should I?&quot; As long as your tone is light and not confrontational, and you can simply follow up to whatever they say next with, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah, that's just not a good enough reason for me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is only when I am in a bad mood because I LOVE TALKING ABOUT MYSELF normally (yes I know this is a major flaw but I am being honest here)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit, oops i was wrong on spain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="11738" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T13:29:55.097" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T13:29:55.097" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14282" CreationDate="2018-05-10T10:08:08.830" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could explain your situation in such a way that does not deride your family's heritage-driven views but highlights the benefits of sticking to your decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Men and women in the US live, work and study together almost everywhere. If you deliberately seclude yourself from a large portion of the population, it may leave you at a disadvantage later in life when situations arise where you will be obligated to work, study or possibly share living space with diverse groups (that you will have no control over!). Assuming you plan to stay in the US, sharing living space with men AND women will better prepare you for these moments, as well as help build your own confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some degree of transparency with your family would likely be welcome, first in explaining to them that you have limited control over who gets to be your roommate, which is commonplace there. Second, when you do finally meet your roommate(s), you can describe them to your parents in such a way that they will know they're nice people but not people you would date. I had a friend who went through a similar situation. Keeping this information to himself caused his parents to 'imagine things to fill in the blank spaces' and they unfortunately assumed the worst. If you end up with good roommates who you get along with, providing your parents with reassuring info seems to be a possible way forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T10:08:08.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T10:56:26.447" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is also a tradition here in Russia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife decided not to change her surname as it's unique (means only her relatives have it) - so, if this is your case, you can use it as an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, changing ones surname leads to changing lots of documents, which is a waste of time - and this too can be a reason not to do the change&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12120" LastEditorUserId="12120" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T11:39:46.420" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T11:39:46.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T10:58:45.753" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to explain how it's my decision without having to explain myself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware you don't have to explain yourself like you were guilty.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;by someone I'm not too friendly with or don't trust to not judge/belittle my reasons&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you can allow a more invasive mode? Then turn the tables!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of being forced into details why you (don't) do something, explain you want it that way. Answering that multiple times makes it boring for them to ask again and again.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;That means turn the &quot;tell me in details why you do so&quot; into a &quot;tell me at least one acceptable reason why I shouldn't&quot;. This can be surprising if others realize they don't have suitable arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works expecially if your decision doesn't affect them in any way and you state between the lines that the whole thing seems to be only about who is right and who isn't.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It also helps to express that you accept their different opinion and it is no problem if they don't understand you at all. This keeps a door open to talk normally about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Added on Tinkeringbell's comment&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I experienced this with people who I like but sometimes show a &quot;oh by default I am right and you aren't, are you?&quot; attitude. There is no sense in throwing in new arguments all over. This only makes you appear unsure about yourself and they'll try to disprove them anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead it's a clear statement to say you just want that, there is no other reason (this makes further questions for a reason pointless). Say that calm and not teaching, show you don't understand the problem and you also don't feel like you should.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;They may keep asking the same question (why... I don't understand). If you keep answering the same (I want it... no problem if you don't understand) the discussion is close to it's end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course this doesn't help with everybody but it may be worth a try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastEditorUserId="13264" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T14:06:21.597" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T14:06:21.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14078" CreationDate="2018-05-10T11:34:48.570" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your girlfriend starts &quot;not all men&quot;ing she will be thrown out of the group.&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NotAllMen&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NotAllMen&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every single woman in that group knows NOT ALL MEN, Every single time they try to have a conversation with men about this they will be informed NOT ALL MEN, I DON'T, they do not want to be informed of this is their safe space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They know that every single statement of &quot;men do this&quot; is shorthand for &quot;a statistically significant number of men do XYZ&quot;. This is called class analysis (or bagging groups of people together)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Class_analysis&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Class_analysis&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Class analysis&lt;/strong&gt; is research in sociology, politics and economics from&#xA;  the point of view of the stratification of the society into dynamic&#xA;  classes. It implies that there is no universal or uniform social&#xA;  outlook, rather that there are fundamental conflicts that exist&#xA;  inherent to how society is currently organised&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be 1 woman in the group who is an actual literal separatist, but we know your girlfriend isn't because she isn't lesbian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So In summary, you do nothing about the group dynamic. What you can do is talk to your girlfriend about how it worries you, how it makes you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T11:34:48.570" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T11:36:55.897" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm expected to drop my last name&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to hear you're finding that's still an issue. I don't think I could even &quot;expect&quot; you to marry at all (because I know people who don't or haven't); and if you do marry then the details of that relationship are yours to negotiate with your partner (and not my business).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, you're saying that your mum at least doesn't expect you to, nor your aunt, nor your partner ... but that &quot;general males&quot; do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that you want to explain without explaining the real reason. And you don't want an argument, I suppose. And it's for anyone you're unfriendly with. So I propose: &quot;Yeah, shut up: I like my name!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also (which might appeal to their &quot;what's important is what the man wants&quot; attitude) try: &quot;My fiance doesn't want (or need) me to change my name -- likes me the way I am, he does!&quot; That way you get to play the &quot;good girl&quot; (who makes her fiance happy), if that's what you want (maybe untrue but it was you who said you didn't want to explain a real reason, so I'm playing a stereotype here instead). A follow-up question could be met by &quot;Well it's not your place to question the details of my intimate relationship, is it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try saying that name-changing is an old-fashioned custom, that a modern marriage is better as a partnership of equals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People also give practical reasons (e.g. you have a professional reputation or publications using your current name) -- it might be (emotionally) brighter to depict the future than to show an attachment to the present or past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something else you could say, &quot;I see marriage as being given a new family: but not as losing my original family.&quot; -- that subverts the trope of the bride's dad saying, &quot;I think of it as gaining a son-in-law rather than losing a daughter&quot;, so that may be possible for general males to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastEditorUserId="9053" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T08:08:35.230" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T08:08:35.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14289" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14291" CreationDate="2018-05-10T11:39:09.000" Score="2" ViewCount="319" Body="&lt;p&gt;The title feel awkward, so if anyone can improve it, that would be great. Here's what I mean:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes you walk along the street and see someone in a car without a seat belt. Let's assume it's summer, the window is open, they're sitting at a red light or something and you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; talk to them, even if just for a moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or a bigger one - people who have children in their car without any restraints at all. No child seat, no seat belt, nothing. Sometimes you also see an infant in the lap of an adult. These can be seen in parking lots or when parents drop their children off at daycare - also times when it's possible to approach them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are all against the law, and if there was even a small accident, the consequences are potentially devastating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes there are also smaller problems - an obviously wrongly installed child seat; a child seat that does not fit the child; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It kinda feels like I should do something, speak out... but on the other hand, it's none of my business. Telling them flat out will most likely result in a hostile reaction. On occasion it looks more like somebody simply didn't know what they were doing (so they could even be receptive to corrections), but when you see someone without a seat belt, then that's obviously a choice and not a lack of knowledge. And if there's a similarly unsecured child next to them, who really doesn't know any better and was just doing what mom told them...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should one do in such a situation? Can such people be spoken to in a manner that makes them reconsider their behavior? Or should they just be let alone and the natural selection allowed to take its course?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17287" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T13:31:05.343" Title="How to politely notify someone that they are not using proper car safety (possibly against the law)?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;cars&gt;&lt;safety&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-05-10T15:10:17.393" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14289" CreationDate="2018-05-10T12:42:37.687" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know how you feel, but there isn't much you could say to strangers face to face. You could though&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;volunteer in organisations for safe driving awareness (delivering information sheets, organising events etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;share information about safe driving on social media&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;share unfortunate accidents on social media or with friends and family when there is a related conversation (this may be considered harsh, but I think it resembles the photos on cigarette packets - sometimes you have to shock in order to influence someone).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people just don't know better. Informing them in a in-depth way can make them think a little more - but you certainly cannot do that in an instance, while someone is waiting in a road light. Some people might think you are a beggar or you are trying to harass them in some way and close the window or ignore you whatsoever. They are more likely to pay attention to stuff they CHOSE to read/listen - and unfortunately people tend to pay attention to unfortunate events 'advertised' on social media as '&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;You won't believe&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; what happened to this 5 yo boy when his father crushed on a tree!!!!!'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T13:31:05.343" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T13:31:05.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T12:50:00.097" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wish I could comment, as it's not a full answer, but when the question of the (potential) children's name comes up, I find answering with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My name, of course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;with a slightly confused look on your face as if you didn't understand the question, quite helpful, irrespective of how you &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; plan to name the children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is basically the default answer for men, so it tends to throw the kind of people questioning your choice in the first place. And then change the topic. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This shows that you are not interested in discussing your personal choices and that you are confident enough in them that any discussion would be pointless anyway.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3320" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T20:11:11.710" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T20:11:11.710" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T12:59:50.637" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;A possible answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's too complicated!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well-meaning people should leave it at that. Anyone who tries to probe further is being too nosy and should be met with another response (something like):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I told you it's too complicated. So complicated that I don't even feel like&#xA;  discussing about it... Thanks for asking, by the way. &lt;em&gt;Fake (or genuine) smile&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been asked to elaborate this answer. It's indeed a complicated exercise to change one's name (even a part of it) as it needs to be changed in all places that matter like government records, work/school records, travel documents, subscriptions of various types, and so on unless it is acceptable to have both names coexist (and this creates more complications). That much effort (both physical and mental) and time is not everyone's cup of tea and in any case it is not a statutory requirement in many countries (including OP's country &lt;em&gt;presumably&lt;/em&gt;, else this question would not exist).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1592" LastEditorUserId="1592" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T14:22:13.477" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T14:22:13.477" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T14:01:02.807" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see there are several answers already, but I feel mine takes a slightly different approach to answering, which is to not explain why at all. If you want to do something and you are free to do it and you plan to do it, that's really all of the story anyone needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why are you planning on keeping your name when you marry/shaving your head?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You aren't really saying anything new here. Obviously you are doing it because you want to. But they don't need any more than that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it's tradition/common/expected etc&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's true, but I don't want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really, anyone who understands that you want something that is free, legal, and of no consequence to them and still argues that you shouldn't have it is not motivated by your best interests and they do not require more of your time or energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is this a good answer? Because you don't really need to explain why or convince people that it's ok for you to want that. They can respect your wishes or not, but it's their problem, not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T14:01:02.807" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14295" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14296" CreationDate="2018-05-10T14:27:08.927" Score="25" ViewCount="5731" Body="&lt;p&gt;Explanation:&lt;br&gt;When I was younger, I broke my arm close to my growth plate near my elbow. As a result, part of my arm grew and the other part did not, resulting in a boomerang shaped arm (if I hold my arm straight out, it looks like a boomerang). Normally, I can hide it very well with long sleeved shirts or a jacket. However, I was helping someone move some things yesterday, and because it's warmer outside, I wore a short sleeved shirt. They noticed my deformed arm, and they asked me if I needed any help moving anything, and it was embarrassing. I told them I was fine and didn't need any help, but it left the both of us in an awkward situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;How do I let people know that my deformity doesn't disable me at all, without making the situation awkward? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17668" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T18:34:35.250" Title="How do I prevent people from thinking my deformity disables me?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14295" CreationDate="2018-05-10T14:47:41.280" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have several disabilities, and what I do is make a joke out of it.  This serves several purposes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To let people know you don't need help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To let people know you are comfortable with who you are&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lets them know that they have not offended you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lets you make any points you wish to make in a non-aggressive way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example if someone were to ask me if I needed any help, I might say &quot;No, I'm beyond help&quot; or I'd make a joke by directing it to something else.  &quot;Sure, do you know a good psychiatrist?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is that humor disarms any awkward situation.  I'm older than most people that come here and I grew up in an age where people were more likely to make fun of you than feel sorry for you.  (I'd actually prefer the former to the latter) Because of this, I think we wound up with more skills on dealing with &quot;normal&quot; people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, this technique has been working for me for decades.  Its advantages are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The person asking the question doesn't feel awkward&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't feel awkward&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You come across as more &quot;normal&quot; and people don't feel the need to be over cautious with you, and you don't feel like you have to explain anything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a bunch of stock jokes. If it's about my hearing, and I'm dealing with a store or restaurant, I say &quot;Look at it this way, I'm the one customer you can yell at&quot;. I use the &quot;beyond help&quot; and &quot;good psychiatrist&quot; lines often. If they get flustered and say &quot;OH! I'm SORRY!&quot; about one of my disabilities, I say &quot;It's not your fault&quot; and chuckle a bit. I usually have a new friend after that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T16:23:25.390" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T16:23:25.390" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14272" CreationDate="2018-05-10T14:58:00.353" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say &quot;No, sorry.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to give a reason, he's asking you for a favour.&#xA;This is a good idea as it doesn't give him any scope to discuss this with you - you have given him a direct answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, giving an excuse allows him to think that the excuse is the only reason you aren't allowing his behaviour. Saying &quot;No, sorry.&quot; is polite, direct, and doesn't validate his behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6041" LastEditorUserId="6041" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T10:16:04.430" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T10:16:04.430" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12730" CreationDate="2018-05-10T15:13:08.383" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to give an answer even though the OP is long gone from the site and it is probable that they are never going to read it. Other answers have covered concerns about authority and the appropriateness of commenting about attire in the presence or absence of a formal dress code. For this answer I am going to assume there is neither a position of authority nor a formal dress code, so it basically boils down to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;how and to what degree you can be supportive&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;where sensitivities and pitfalls may be&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a transwoman in my fifties I'll start with the latter and share some of my personal experience and borrow from others I know. They're a varied lot and each has different coping mechanisms for dealing with the stresses involved in transitioning, some carried over from the past, some fairly recent. You will have to figure out which apply in this situation regarding dress style and clothing. Work with them as you are not their therapist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Transitioning at fifty&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that you passed as a male for the formative years of your life, childhood to late adolescence. Whether that decision was yours, conscious or not, or foisted upon you by your social environment does not matter. It does however mean that you have not had the benefit of decades of feedback from your female elders (mother, aunties) and peers (girlfriends, sisters) on female mannerisms and clothing styles to find your own style or set of styles, fitting the social setting. Transitioning you will have to cram all those decades into a few years at an age where learning is slower and often without the benefit of BFFs for feedback. I cope by observing and copying and slowly develop my own style which may not be entirely age appropriate (I copy from live females that I find attractive which are usually younger than me) and is a bit garish on the accessories. Others pick a look from magazines, say 'vintage', and go for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The limitations of our bodies&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone_replacement_therapy_(male-to-female)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Hormone replacement therapy&lt;/a&gt; changes our bodies slowly but steadily in a few years, among which more fatty tissue, less muscle. Some things that nature (testosterone) has done cannot be undone, not even by surgery, such as the skeleton. We will always have broader shoulders, bigger feet, a wider chest and fairly slender hips for a given BMI compared to cisfemales. Unfortunately, this means that mass produced female clothing and shoes don't fit us very well. Some of us accept that we cannot have everything and pick clothing to work within the parameters of our bodies, such as wearing tops and bottoms in different sizes. Some of us have a hard time accepting that and cram themselves into fits that are off. Or we go to a specialty store.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Money may be a concern&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It takes a good deal of money and several years to fill up a wardrobe of female clothing, including shoes and accessories. Unless you are loaded and many transwomen aren't, you'll have to buy on a budget, because transitioning, even if covered by insurance, has all sorts of associated costs. If you have to go to specialty stores or tailor-made then it becomes even more expensive. Maintaining sets appropriate for different environments (work, leisure, party) also adds to the cost. Due to our changing bodies (HRT) we may need to renew substantial parts several times over. Three pants and a skirt I wore comfortably 6 months ago do not fit me any more by a long shot and, with any luck, I am looking forward to the day that I have to replace all my bras. Early, while developing your style, you buy the wrong things. I have two skirts which I am unlikely to wear outside ever because, well, they're really too short. I cope by buying cheap in sales and second-hand, except for underwear. Others, if they have a background of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-dressing&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;cross-dressing&lt;/a&gt; before transitioning, use those outfits, which unfortunately tend to cater to fetish environments - as do some of the specialty stores -, as a base for their wardrobes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Transitioning is liberation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After having spent decades trapped in a body that you are uncomfortable with and expressing a gender that you aren't, it feels incredibly liberating to become more female every day and to be able to express your femininity day in day out. &lt;em&gt;Nobody but yourself is ever going to take that away from you&lt;/em&gt;. Most transwomen plan this out quite consciously. I gradually changed my appearance over the course of six months, going full time female two months before HRT started. Others do the big bang thing, changing expression overnight. Still others wait with changing their public appearance until HRT and facial hair removal is well underway. And there are also those that favor an androgynic appearance so nothing much changes in the way of gender expression. For those that value their female gender expression greatly, they may lack confidence and experience. Critique can come across as an attempt to take this new found liberty away, so tread carefully there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Psychological effects of HRT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HRT also messes with our brains especially with our aggression and response to (perceived) aggression. Early in HRT we go through a kind of reverse menopause (in months, not years) as our brain adapts to estrogen. The effect is highly individual and dependent on the method of administration, for some nothing much changes, for others it is profound and includes a monthly mood cycle. And sadly, some of us do get depressed (common side effect of some anti-androgens and progestins). For me the effect is not so great, I am less competitive, more communicative and feel more mellow for want of a better word. Nevertheless, I found that I do have to change some of my coping strategies in stressful situations especially where I am confronted with (perceived) aggression. Still working on that, I suppose. Others I know have similar issues with coping strategies they had as a male but seem no longer relevant. Sexual orientation (romantic and .. uh .. whatever rocks your boat) may change but there is a lot of variation there, much more so than in the general population. That said some of us do dress to attract the attention of the desired gender and some of us do go over the top. This is a part of self-discovery, how to fit your sexuality in your new gender expression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to do?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you plan on alienating her (this is unfortunately not all that uncommon), the only means to achieve your objective, getting her to dress more appropriately, is to be supportive and through that support expand her view on female gender expression so that she chooses herself to dress more appropriately in the office environment in a style that is her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To what degree you want to be supportive is your own choice. I'll lay down three scenario's and you can take your pick from those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;We're only coworkers and I'd like to keep my distance&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fair enough. Here is what you can do, offer constructive criticism or feedback. This is more effective way of giving her the benefit of decades of experience. The pattern is somewhat like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wait until she is ready to receive feedback (idle, somewhat safe, no eavesdroppers)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask before you give. If the answer is no, then leave it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;start with something positive, do not go to the next item with a 'but', 'however' or something like that (it is implied, not said)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;state one or more negative aspects. Be specific and let it be about observable things, do not judge. If there is a judgement call, couch it with &amp;quot;I feel that ..&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;I think that ..&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;state how the negative aspect affects you and others&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;suggest viable alternatives&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, can I say something about your outfit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like the contrast between your top and bottom and your nail polish gives it a nice touch of color&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the length of your legs, I feel the hem of your skirt should be considerably lower than three inches below your crotch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way it is now, when you sit down and it rides up just a little or like when you cross your legs sitting down, anyone can see the color of your panties. It is okay for parties when you are standing all the time, I guess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can avoid that by keeping your knees and thighs tightly together all the time or by wearing a longer skirt. Just over knee or under knee will do fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to receive and possibly invite feedback on your style of clothing. Don't become defensive but do give explanations about the choice's you have made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You always wear ankle skirts!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, I frequently like to spread my knee a few inches apart when sitting down. Wearing an ankle skirt I do not have to worry about someone accidentally looking up my skirt when I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use this method occasionally, nothing can be more aggravating than a colleague that is forever on your case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't mind a bit of personal involvement&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fun. This is where you get to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you have to gain her trust. You do this by sharing some of your experiences from childhood, puberty and early adolescence regarding clothing and the effect it seems to have on others, including the mistakes you have made and emotional content. Reminiscing is a nice format. You can do this more often but do it in a safe place without eavesdroppers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know, when I was a kid, I liked to climb trees a lot. But as things go, there was a bunch of boys that looked up and called me out on seeing my panties. I was so embarrassed! I hated every minute of it. You know what my Mom said when I complained to her about it? 'Boys will do that when they're a certain age. Either you stop climbing trees or you wear pants or shorts when climbing trees', So I gave up on the trees, but I did regret that on more than one occasion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once she opens up you can ask her things, like where she gets her clothes from. This is as much give as take, you also get to tell where you buy your clothes. And complain about stores whose clothing never fits properly because you are not shaped like a supermodel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, with sufficient rapport you can take constructive criticism (see the first section) a level deeper because you can now also talk about the unwritten rules or your interpretation of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I want to do more!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most women like a bunch of female friends to hang out with, discuss life issues and go shopping with. Transwomen are no different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, become a friend. If you are already personally involved (see the previous section) then this is just the next level. Hang out and have tea somewhere out of the office environment. Invite her to go shopping together (for clothes) and while shopping show her how she would look just as feminine in more appropriate clothes without coaxing her into something she does not want and is probably not going to wear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you are friends and get to know each other quite well, you can bring up the subject of appropriate clothing one more time.  You can state your opinion and she can state hers and that's that, you can both respect each other's opinion. I am not sure at this point whether it will really matter to you what she is wearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T15:13:08.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T15:58:53.490" Score="18" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...the ways guys aren't expected to explain theirselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So make them do it. You said it's mostly men giving you a hard time about this, so when they ask, ask them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if they are married, why they didn't change their last name to their spouse's.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if they're not married, if they're planning to change their last name when they get married.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing this, you eliminate all possible arguments they can have for doing it except blatant sexism (common last name, convenience for children, whatever) and make them experience the awkwardness and unfairness of being asked what they're asking. If they don't immediately get the point and try to push it with sexist reasons, now you're in a position to immediately call them on it and shut that down. By &quot;shut it down&quot;, I mean something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me. That's blatantly sexist and I don't want to have this conversation with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a special case of the general problem of responding to inappropriate questions that try to establish a power dynamic of forcing you to explain something the asker has no business asking you to explain, and &quot;turn the question around on them&quot; is a general-purpose solution pattern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3142" LastEditorUserId="3142" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T12:42:55.780" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T12:42:55.780" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14302" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14272" CreationDate="2018-05-10T16:22:10.903" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, not today.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While similar to many of the other responses, I think this particular turn of phrase may be of help in your particular situation where it happens so often that you recognize the person. The &quot;not today&quot; part reminds him that you HAVE let him cut in front of you in the past, and MAY choose to do so in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this phrase won't work every time. But, by mentioning that you have done this for him the past, his failure to remember his benefactor (you) will probably be slightly embarrassing. While this embarrassment is not your goal, it WILL make him more likely to remember YOU next time, and hopefully, hesitate to inconvenience you AGAIN.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17674" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T16:22:10.903" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T18:08:51.903" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a married woman who didn't take my husband's name, and I get this question regularly. My answer has always been &quot;I like my last name. Why should I change my name when we both agree my name is cooler?&quot; This response seems simple, but it has a few important characteristics that make it work (and it &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; has):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It must be said as if the question is rhetorical, and not as a dare for them to give you a contrary answer. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's entirely based on a subjective opinion (a name being &quot;cool&quot;), which doesn't at all threaten their opinions. If your current surname is &quot;McFartmeister&quot; and you don't think that reason will be believable, use another subjective word like &quot;historical&quot; or &quot;memorable&quot;, or something silly like the length or how early it is in the alphabet.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't even acknowledge that the tradition of women taking a man's name exists. If it comes up, act like you are genuinely confused why the two of you would be expected to take a name that neither of you prefer. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't say you are doing it to overthrow the patriarchy, or that the tradition is horrid because it's rooted in women being treated as property, or that you want your surname to live in through your kids, or anything like that if you don't want to start a fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you stick to your non-threatening reasons and present it as a decision you are both happy with, then they are forced to drop it or attack your position despite not having any real justification for doing so. I have literally never had someone choose to argue the point when using this approach, although I can see them momentarily struggle to come up with a reason to object before dropping it. They probably won't outright agree with your thinking, but it'll be easy for them to live with it if you aren't outright disagreeing with theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect this will be even more effective for you, because my husband didn't actually change his last name to mine (which is why it comes up so much). You two will share the same name, so it gets rid of any potential objections based on that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T18:08:51.903" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14272" CreationDate="2018-05-10T18:11:12.667" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the question is about this specific person, I'd simply ask &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect he does this systematically and doesn't realize it's you again, and he'll probably feel shame at that realization. He'll probably expand on the reason for being in a hurry and you won't have any way of knowing whether that's true or not, but even if you'll let him in after that, he probably won't do that to you again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, in case those supermarkets have an express lane for X itmes or less, then you could recommend him to use it. They are ubiquitous where I live. Unless you're in that lane already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is especially egregious if there are other people behind you that presumably didn't consent to being pushed back in the queue, but engaging in that line of argument would be hard not to make it more antagonistic than what I think you're hoping for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17681" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T18:11:12.667" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14272" CreationDate="2018-05-10T19:36:49.400" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As addition to the other answers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first action you should do is looking if some people behind you were skipped and if yes, ask &quot;Are you ok with that?&quot;. If not, I never let them in and cut them short if they try to argue with: &quot; Sorry, I cannot let you in, please ask &lt;em&gt;person who objected&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarification: I didn't say I ask the &lt;em&gt;next&lt;/em&gt; person behind me, I ask &lt;strong&gt;all persons behind me&lt;/strong&gt; which means that if there are equal or more than 3 persons, it is almost sure that someone will object. Those who objected have seen how it works, so the skipper will be send further back. As Germany has quite a direct culture and is very intolerant of skippers, it inevitably means that the person is sent back to the end of the queue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason is that it works is that most skippers &lt;em&gt;simply ignore the other persons waiting in line as if they don't matter at all&lt;/em&gt;. This is very aggravating to the other people, so I never actually experienced that another person allow the skipper to get forward. People don't feel it that I put &quot;a burden of decision&quot; on them, it feels more that they are pleased that I acknowledge them (Much communication is nonverbal). It may not work if the culture is too polite or reluctant. In the 5-6 times I had the pleasure of meeting such a skipper, they were never let in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastEditorUserId="8702" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T20:09:50.750" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T20:09:50.750" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14308" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-10T19:41:28.063" Score="10" ViewCount="550" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A previous partner once taught me what it felt like to 'hear and be heard', however, I'm struggling to replicate her sorcery.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My current girlfriend is extremely problem oriented. While this is &#xA;generally a great thing, when discussing interpersonal problems, she has attention issues which manifest as problem solving too early into the conversation or focusing on blame assignment or tangential topics before she understands the entirety of the problem (much like I use to). I've gently pointed this out many times, but she/we have been unable to break the pattern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to just be patient and let her respond and then bring the conversation back on track, but she is extremely garrulous, which inevitably tries my patience, leaving me feeling exhausted and unfulfilled. When she has a topic she wants to discuss I have found the best way to quell her wordiness without fully interrupting her is to interject with questions, however, when I am the one bringing up a topic this tends to backfire and just further derails things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've let her know how this makes me feel, and that I'd prefer if she was more inquisitive to ensure she understood me before answering or getting defensive. She seems genuine when she tells me she'd like to do better, but after 8 months of routinely addressing it, the problem persists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried enlisting outside help. Our therapist is better at interrupting her to get her to sit quietly for longer, but I can tell once she's thought of what she wants to say she's too distracted by it to really process what's going on. I even tried bringing her to a non-violent communication class, but she didn't really seem to understand the rules, what it means to be present or the point of connecting vs being able to just rant freely with a stranger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In summary, the 3-4 symptoms that I notice seem to always accompany my inablitly to feel heard are:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She starts problem solving too quickly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She redirects (either talking&#xA;about a tangential problem or by focusing on where to place blame).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is extremely garrulous when she speaks / how it happening in conjunction with a derailment on an interpersonal matter I'm trying to bring up triggers me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What tricks am I missing?  Is there something specifically I should be doing/not doing or saying?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It has been noted that this question has similarities to&#xA;  &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3573/how-to-get-spouse-to-empathetically-listen-to-problems-instead-of-or-at-least-b&quot;&gt;How to get spouse to empathetically listen to problems instead of (or at least before!) offering solutions?&lt;/a&gt;&quot;,&#xA;  and while empathy is part of being heard I believe my question&#xA;  significantly differs in the following ways: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I don't feel my partner is lacking any empathy, but rather just happens to be too impulsive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'm not conflating sympathy and empathy in the way the other author does. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;My goal is to work on interpersonal problems with my partner to build our relationship, as opposed to desiring unload the &#xA;  frustrations of my day onto my partner.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I want my partner to help me problem solve, and would prefer we spend as little time as possible on it (and thus she should interrupt&#xA;  once she's sure she has all the info she needs) so we can get back to&#xA;  having fun together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17673" LastEditorUserId="17673" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T07:44:29.607" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T11:04:42.780" Title="How to 'be heard' when discussing problems within a relationship" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;non-violent-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T20:08:57.147" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I began using social media many years ago and tried to look up old classmates it hit me: finding males was easy, finding females was not. Why on Earth is that the case? Why are women expected to lose part of their identity when they enter into marriage? (Add to this that in the country where I was born, Hungary, it gets even worse: on official documents, my wife would be listed as &quot;Tóth Viktorné&quot;, in an almost alarming similarity to what happens to the names of females in dystopian Gilead in The Handmaid's Tale.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For what it's worth, this was never an issue between my wife and I when we married over 25 years ago. Neither of us would have had it any other way: she kept her name, I kept mine. As we never had any children, their last names never became an issue. We do have some cats, and the vet's office keeps them listed under my last name, but that's another story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So our recommended answer to the &quot;Why?&quot; question is simply, &quot;Why on Earth should I?&quot; Why is my last name any less important than my husband's?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is 2018. You should not have to come up with any excuse not to be named, Gilead-style, after your male lord and master.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6382" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T20:08:57.147" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3348" CreationDate="2018-05-10T20:21:01.150" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My answer could be unpopular around here with people who have a disproportionate interest in being &quot;nice&quot; rather than having interpersonal skills (shown by the fact that most answers assume you already decided to tell him, and I can't blame them because your question sounds close to a &quot;what should I do&quot; type), still, here goes my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not telling you what to do or what not to do because you didn't ask that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The straight literal answer to your question would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's certainly not inappropriate, but it might get complicated depending on your cultural context and the receiving end's cultural context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you didn't provide the the cultural context besides the work environment setup, in this case we have to deduce by your profile and your language usage, that it's an USA office and your language hints at British cultural influence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to weight the importance of staying safe vs being a nice person.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Being nice to your friends with this sort of issue will almost always be welcomed and if doubt arise, you have the opportunity to explain because you are friends and are used to talk about diverse topics.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Being nice to a stranger who happens to work with your husband presents high degrees of unpredictability (different genders, public space, coworkers/friends) and that is why most other answers are so elaborate and deviate from what you actually asked.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;You won't be able to elaborate to explain the science that justifies why looking at his crotch area is absolutely harmless or not.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if you do tell him, you are sort of tossing a coin on yourself on whether he will think it is appropriate or inappropriate, and it also becomes unpredictable whether he will get any ideas or if he would be telling the anecdote (involving you) to anyone (his best pals? his wife?), and bringing more unpredictability to what they will think about the event and how will that reflect on what they think of your husband and you.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's is not my intention to sound exaggerated, in the US is usually not a big deal, usually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T20:21:01.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14295" CreationDate="2018-05-10T20:48:00.703" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with being lighthearted about it and throwing out a joke as in Richard U's answer but I'd suggest you then follow it up with a reference to confirm you know what they are talking about.  Something like &quot;I know my arm looks a little odd .... I'm fine&quot; if you want to keep it minimal or more explanation if you want to give them a clearer picture.  Then you are reassuring the person that the initial comment was a joke, you do know what they are referring to but it isn't a problem.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Adding &quot;Thanks for asking&quot; reassures them that you didn't take any offence and helps remove the awkwardness.  If you are matter of fact about it they will usually be the same in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8565" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T20:48:00.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T20:49:42.570" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many answers seem to leave too much space for the other party to retaliate and go on and on with arguments, but &lt;strong&gt;your question is all about preventing and/or diffusing arguments and explanations in the first place&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;My answer aims to be more practical, there's a super wise saying that goes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If you don't like what's being said... change the conversation.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Escalation determent strategy&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is basically about discouraging the pursue of a topic by making friction and steering away, &lt;strong&gt;starting subtle and then more firm only if necessary&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1. Be swift&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being so different from my conservative family, I tend to use that all of the time, except when I really care about some issue and I think changing their minds would help anyone, such cases rarely present themselves, so I'm the favorite cordial pleasant relative in all events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they ask &quot;why?&quot;, you can use the phrase you mentioned on your own question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have my reasons, how's your family?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It was the best choice for me, how was that movie you saw the other day?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It was easier, how's that baseball card collection going?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because I wanted to, your shoes are cool, where did you find those?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;with an amicably dismissive demeanor works fine most of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. Sustain the signal&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your original polite attempt to convey that you don't have to explain yourself is taken by anyone as a cue to insist and ask &quot;What are those reasons?&quot;...   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is exactly the reason for a very popular comeback to exist, having the stomach to use this line is an interpersonal skill so old, resilient and effective that many people hate when they are on the receiving end, but there's nothing they can do about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just because&lt;/strong&gt; (period, shrug it off, smile, change the topic, move on, whatever you want!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is your life, if you don't want to explain yourself, &lt;strong&gt;you don't have to&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nice pleasant people at a party (or wherever) will take the cue of changing the topic, so, &lt;strong&gt;success&lt;/strong&gt;, you didn't have to explain and you can move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3. Warn amicably about not crossing a line&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to your edit elaborating on your goal to avoid explaining yourself &lt;strong&gt;like guys are not expected to explain themselves&lt;/strong&gt; which means you want to give a similar statement with just a sniff of political righteousness, while keeping it cordial or even amicably with someone you don't fully trust:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because I decided so, and we live in a free country, isn't that awesome? cheers to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That will make them feel good about their own lives too, 'Murica!... I mean... Freedom!.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;4. Be firm and politically correct.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, you didn't have to come to this, but if this person doesn't get all the initial clues and innuendos... put a stop, win the argument before there even is an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can keep my last name because it is my citizen right, and I think it is &lt;em&gt;fantastic&lt;/em&gt; that in the process &lt;strong&gt;I didn't have to explain why to any judge&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boom, you just shut their mouth, they don't want to be the judge of you, do they? Silently in their minds for sure, but not publicly after you said that. This way you are giving a reason no one can argue with, and you are not giving your specific reasons which someone nasty could judge.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer considerations of people on comments:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you try that and by any chance doesn't work, you could comeback and ask an additional question about how to deal with a toxic environment where there is zero respect for people's privacy, or a question where one particular person doesn't respect your privacy and keeps digging not allowing you to change topic. That would be a whole different issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's living in the UK, my strategy will work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T21:12:21.920" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T21:12:21.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14315" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14358" CreationDate="2018-05-10T21:00:57.183" Score="8" ViewCount="1207" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 20 and moved to Germany two years ago, moving out with 18 is rather uncommon in my country (Netherlands). About one year ago my mother became more and more clingy (my assumption is that she didn't think I was serious about moving out and would come back, but after one year noticed it was serious). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has been managing the social media for my dad's company for years now, which mainly consists of Twitter. She has also been using it for posting personal landscape photos for a while and really takes pride and joy out of seeing how many times people have seen her photos. As she is a stay at home mom, she is most of the time on social media besides grocery shopping and walking the dog, this was already the case when I still lived at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the past two years she has been trying to get me to use Twitter too for my freelance work, which is not a bad idea since getting exposure is very important for me to get work. However,I use other social media websites and I have always tried to avoid Twitter because of my mom's pushing. Because of a magazine accidently featuring my (empty) Twitter account instead of my other social media a few weeks ago, I started using Twitter after all, to at least make use of the featuring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my mom replies, retweets and texts me within minutes after every single tweet I post, for example with &quot;helpful advice&quot; about how to use Twitter.&#xA;Because I don't want to hurt her feelings, I only say that I don't want to use it so much and that I just use it on a low fire, but she doesn't listen. I also don't want to be mean and say things like &quot;I don't care about Twitter and retweets mean nothing to me.&quot; because she takes so much pride and joy from it herself and she's a loving person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I already talked about this in a serious manner with her, multiple times, she then seems to get it for a few days and afterwards falls back into her clingy talking about Twitter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I permanently communicate to her that I don’t want to use Twitter a lot and also don’t want regular advice on how to use it without hurting her feelings?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17686" LastEditorUserId="2183" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T10:51:59.687" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T10:47:50.950" Title="How to deal with clingy mother pushing me to use social media?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14308" CreationDate="2018-05-10T21:01:40.417" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Summaries and objectives&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep communications focused and to the point.&#xA;Look for the point being made in an interaction, in isolation, one at&#xA;a time, and not lots of points altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Summarising such things is hard, it takes work and time.  It is easier to&#xA;ramble and just brain dump for attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So slowing down, and writing down what has been said, and then&#xA;how to respond is a good exercise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my objective here is to suggest you get your girlfriend to summarise&#xA;incoming information.  This orders it and identifies interest, priorities,&#xA;and focus.  Next is the response, which is to the point, and short, and&#xA;summaried.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this is hard, because ideas sparking is always an adventure, but&#xA;also can be a waste of time as not focused and too self absorbed.&#xA;But summaried and focused, gives space to everyone, and meets the need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do, show, watch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the most simplest level, you do the thing that you want as an example.&#xA;You show them how it works, and watch them do the thing you are showing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You take this down to the simplest level that works in the smallest &#xA;chunks.  It maybe this can only be done once, every now and then, because&#xA;of resistance, problems.  And it is about seeing progress no matter how&#xA;small, because one is discovering the size and boundaries of the problem&#xA;and discovering what works and what does not.  Being patient on this is&#xA;the only way, because every person and situation is unique.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="16994" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T21:25:59.327" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T21:25:59.327" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-10T21:09:28.973" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everyone keeps focusing on the kids which were not a part of the OP's initial post until she had to edit. Several posts took on a more aggressive approach which could work depending on the situation. I would think though that being more aggressive could only lead to elevated aggressiveness from the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one should have to explain why, and maybe someday, people will live and let live. Being that this topic though is something that has been ingrained in the culture for thousands of years, it does strike odd on the rare occasion you see someone not. A female friend of mine is a very firm feminist (not the militant kind but someone who believes a woman should be able to be non-traditional if she so chooses) and even she took her husband's last name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that being said, the best way to provide a reply without having to explain it and without coming off like a jerk, is to be honest and straight to the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It was a choice I/we made due to something personal and I don't feel very comfortable talking about the subject so I would appreciate it if we moved on to a new topic.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What that does is provide them a reason without diving into the issue, and also cuts off further discussion by telling them that it's not something you feel comfortable talking about. 90% of the population will respect and understand that it's something really personal/serious to you and move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, if someone continues to bring it up, then you know they are not someone who respects you and you can walk away from the conversation (especially if it's a stranger).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer also does not provide a high and mighty reply that is combative which would cause the questioner to also get defensive or snap back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck and remember that no one can belittle you without your consent ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&#xA;Edited the quote to also include &quot;we&quot; to make it also sound more inclusive that your husband was aware of this and is okay with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T21:16:30.943" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T21:16:30.943" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14319" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14295" CreationDate="2018-05-10T21:15:07.160" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a question for you?  Do you feel awkward about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most interactions people are sensitive to your feelings and response.&#xA;If you just ignore it and behave like it is nothing, people will &#xA;feel this and things continue as if nothing has happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As people we are very sensitive to awkwardness, and the other party&#xA;if they detect you feeling bad about it, will then feel bad and &#xA;wish they never said anything and it escalates.  Ignoring such things&#xA;takes practice.  Try to imagine you are an actor on a stage, playing&#xA;a part, and your character has no worries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will help you and them.  Your arm is part of you, and you are&#xA;great, that is all people need to know.  This is about being assertive&#xA;and projecting a positive self image.  If you want to know a good&#xA;exponent of this is Nick Vujicic&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nknzSWDcUgA&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nknzSWDcUgA&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T21:15:07.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14295" CreationDate="2018-05-10T21:15:17.830" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not a fan of the &quot;let's joke about me&quot; strategy but I can understand why some people would like and go for that, my preferred approach aims for neutrality, respect and dignity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Preventing the situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You can't control what people think on the general situation, they are simply showing they care about you, &lt;strong&gt;but&lt;/strong&gt; you can change what they think about &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; particular situation, opportunely and on advance, prior to the situation &lt;strong&gt;as you asked&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell a story that shows that you have done this before.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know you are going to be helping them move things, tell a story in advance about you lifting something heavy. And you can start or end that with something memorable like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm stronger than I look. You'll be surprised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even when they haven't seen your arm, that will be memorable. That should be enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Defusing the situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If anyone didn't get the message and they still act condescending by accident, you don't want to be harsh on them, but you are allowed to defend your dignity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm the one helping you, buddy. (smiling of course)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is too condescending it gets annoying, you are allowed to be less amicably, still polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not a big deal, really, don't worry and don't make other people worry. I can handle myself &lt;strong&gt;just the same as you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T09:21:21.367" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T09:21:21.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14322" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-10T21:54:29.073" Score="15" ViewCount="1610" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't have a &quot;good reason&quot; for not drinking.&lt;br&gt;I'm not religious, I don't have medical issues, a few family members are alcoholics but &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; of them don't abuse alcohol, I'm not conscious about what I put in my body either (I love fast food and sugary sweets)- I'm just simply not interested in drinking and it's been difficult for me to convey this to others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when I hang out with friends, family, coworkers or others- they will ask me if I want a drink or they will notice that I have not been drinking and inquire about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My go-to responses have been &quot;No thanks- I'm good.&quot;, &quot;A water would be great!&quot; or &quot;I don't drink.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't really like these responses because it often leads to follow-up questions like &quot;Why don't you drink?&quot; and my go-to answers are &quot;I'm not interested&quot; or &quot;I don't like the taste&quot; and it usually challenges people to find a drink that I would enjoy or to convince me to have a drink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few times I have been awkwardly given a drink without the person asking me if I wanted it. It was hard for me to tell them that I didn't want it so I just held it and didn't drink it or gave it to someone else when they weren't looking. Once I took a sip to try to be polite and said that I didn't like the taste of it but it was awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also want to convey that I do not mind being around others drinking alcohol. Sometimes I feel like my sober presence makes others uncomfortable because maybe they think I'm judging them or that I'm just uncomfortable being around alcohol- those are just my guesses. I like to focus on the main activities to participate- playing game(s), chit-chat, dancing, eating, etc. in hopes of convincing people that I am having a good time but I'm not sure if it's effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a way for me to simply inform others that I don't drink alcohol without getting interrogated or making any kind of disruption when I'm asked about my sobriety?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a 24 year old living in America. Often this situation happens at happy hours, parties, hanging out with friends and large family gatherings/dinners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastEditorUserId="17375" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T15:11:17.343" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T19:38:18.300" Title="How to politely inform others that I don't drink?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14323" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14322" CreationDate="2018-05-10T22:05:12.573" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given my own experiences with exactly this, there's really not a perfect solution that will get people to let it go. The culture for our age groups in this country is such that we're all expected to want to get wasted whenever we can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 25 and have never enjoyed alcohol. Sure, I can do a wine cooler once in a while, but no one around here considers that drinking by any stretch. My own brother, who lives with me and understands I'm not inclined to drink, pushes it any time we go out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best you can do is to reinforce your point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, no thanks, I don't drink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say this even when they're offering/handing you a drink without asking you. Don't just accept it and pass it off, that can cause hurt feelings if they notice it. Just say it upfront and don't accept the drink. If they &quot;insist&quot;, you insist that you don't want it and don't drink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my gotos is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; here has to be sober!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It not only points out a very important truth, &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; needs to be able to safely get people home or be completely with it should an emergency arise, but it also adds a little bit of humor to help keep the situation from getting awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to add humor, just repeat that you don't drink and you don't like to drink. If your friends insist on pushing you on something you are firmly not wanting to do, and it is truly upsetting you, call them out on it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What's more important to you right now: me drinking despite not liking it, or all of us having a good time in our own ways?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If their answer is it's more important to them that you drink... Well, you may want to re-think your choice of friends. More likely, though, it will really point out that you're not happy with their constant insistence that you drink and they'll back off, maybe even apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T22:05:12.573" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14324" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-10T22:05:13.453" Score="8" ViewCount="31192" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in a relationship for 2 years and for the most part I am very happy. My boyfriend, lets call him Max, is a very sweet and thoughtful person and we get along very well. However there’s been one point of tension in our relationship. Lets call her Stephanie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When Max and I started dating, he was best friends with Stephanie. He talked about her all the time and it spiked my insecurities. Stephanie made it worse because she frequently got very personal with him(hugged him constantly, played with his hair, ate off his plate without asking, comment on his physical strength or appearance, monopolized his attention). It really made me feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mentioned how I was feeling jealous to Max and at first he got very defensive. He assured me that they were just friends. As we talked about how we felt, I think we began to understand each other. And since then I think he has been more sensitive to how I am feeling when the three of us are hanging out. Like I said, he is awesome. She, however, still seems to flirt with him a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was two years ago. Since then Stephanie got herself a boyfriend and Max and Stephanie grew apart. They still hang out occasionally but not as much as they used to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is the current situation. Max’s company just offered a new position. He told me about it and it sounded amazing but I couldn’t quit my current job. Stephanie found out about it and she applied. Now Max is helping her prep for the interview and I think she is going to get the job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This really upset me. It upset me much more than it should have. I trust Max completely and I respect his friendship with Stephanie but the idea of them spending all day everyday together at work makes me feel uncomfortable and I don’t like it. The thing is I have no idea what I can do to make myself more okay with the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have always felt that being direct and communicating how I feel is the best approach. &lt;strong&gt;How can I communicate to either Max or Stephanie so that they know how I feel, with the expectation that they tone down the flirtatious behavior?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17690" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T23:46:53.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T03:40:21.483" Title="How to deal with a boyfriend's coworker that make you jealous?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="577" CreationDate="2018-05-10T22:20:21.637" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are already strongly established as friends and there is no ambiguity in your relationship, there shouldn't be any problem by you telling her, you being male doesn't automatically turn the situation sexually relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as you didn't tell her on time, now you will be telling her after the fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By staying safe, I bet you expected her female friend to tell her, which is not too crazy to expect. So next time you see her wearing the same bathing suit you could tell her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I thought your friend would've told you the other day at the pool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you protect yourself with cultural gender expectations, have a big towel prepared in case she feels self-aware and embarrassed, but don't offer the towel in advance because it will imply you think she should be covering her body (and she has a right to be sexy by whatever strategy she chooses to follow).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't see her wearing the same outfit, that would mean someone else did tell her and she was better at playing it cool than you, haha.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be advised that acting so cool and useful about it with a straight face could make her think you are gay, as it has happened to me before. If you truly consider her just friends, you shouldn't care about that and she would eventually ask if you are gay anyway at some point on your relationship if she never sees you with a girlfriend or you never talk about your occasional dates, booty calls or whatevsies. But that is a whole different topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer assumes you already evaluated the situation right, and that means you, being her friend, you know that she wouldn't want her breasts to be showing, because you know her and we don't know her. Other answers seem condescending to me because they get all &quot;teachy&quot; on you taking political stands and gender generalizations and go blablabla wild.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm missing something, I'll let the person asking provide more detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T22:20:21.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14163" CreationDate="2018-05-10T22:20:27.370" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before you order, ask the barista how many ounces (or milliliters) are in their espressos. If they respond with a number higher than you expect or point to a large coffee cup, you can ask them for a custom order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they know how to make espressos properly, they may assume that you think that espressos come in different sizes or that you have never had an actual espresso before, but they won't be offended by the question since you aren't suggesting that the barista doesn't know how large an espresso should be. If the espresso sizes are as varied in Russia as your original post makes it sound, you may not be the only person to ask them this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17691" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T22:20:27.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14327" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14308" CreationDate="2018-05-10T22:45:21.280" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Cash the value of the therapy you are already paying or paid for. Even if it wasn't effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This method doesn't rely or need for anything to have been &lt;strong&gt;learned&lt;/strong&gt; during therapy, but rather simply to have been mentioned or covered at therapy. You'd be using therapy as a narrative device to take control of the situation before it scales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an issue starts to arise, lean on what the therapist has taught the both of you, quote the therapist and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's try to talk about this like our therapist recommended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do it on time before going into where your partner scales the issue's proportion and deviates towards the &quot;problem&quot; mindset. Offer additional reinforcement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Remember, we don't have a problem, we have different opinions and views, let's talk about those. Don't prepare answers until I finish talking and I will do the same for you, even if that means staying silent for a while, that doesn't mean someone lost the argument because there is no argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Emotions build up and frustration increases as a conversation goes on without &quot;getting what I want&quot;, so what you are doing is adjusting the expectations of what she wants before she commits to wanting something irrational you won't be able to provide. Add this too:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If anyone remains silent for a bit that's so cool because it means we are listening and we need to digest what the other person said. We all want to be understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you are setting expectations right, you can, and you will understand what she says if you both explain yourselves calmly. Even if exhausting, you are leading by example and that works both ways. Do you see? You'll understand until you try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T08:07:48.967" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T08:07:48.967" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14328" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-10T22:58:37.963" Score="5" ViewCount="255" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often have trouble with communicating with people who have stern faces and intense facial expressions; usually, they are people in a position of authority, e.g. a manager.  This greatly impedes our progress in communication. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What are some interpersonal techniques to mitigate my feeling uncomfortable and not confident, when talking to very-serious-looking people?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I match their intensity and mannerisms?  Should I smile more?  Make more eye contact?  Gesticulate more?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17697" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T02:26:18.600" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T06:27:17.333" Title="Communicating with someone who has stern and intense facial expressions" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;&lt;self-esteem&gt;&lt;authority-figures&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-05-11T06:02:39.207" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14322" CreationDate="2018-05-10T23:31:57.427" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Same problem here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, I get a class with Coke (whatever you personally like) as fast as possible and say truthfully that I already have sth to drink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have qualms to lie because you want to be interrogated, religious or health reasons should do the trick without further questions because it would be considered impolite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you consider religious reasons, Muslims and some Christian groups like Mormons or Seven Day Adventists do not drink alcohol, so if you can find similarities with your personal belief, pretend to be one of them if (which should really never happen) there is a situation when it is advisable to tell the affiliation (e.g. if some honk is claiming that there are no such religions).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Medical reasons are also very good: antibiotica, opioids (cough medicine!) and medicine against hay fever prohibit alcohol consumption. Get some placebo pills (sugar pills) and put them into a medical looking container to show them as excuse if people are skeptical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastEditorUserId="8702" LastEditDate="2018-05-10T23:40:43.977" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T23:40:43.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14324" CreationDate="2018-05-10T23:53:30.520" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A way to get the feelings you have across to him is to give him examples with you instead of him: what if you had a male coworker that constantly flirts with you and fondles with your hair and hugs you? Would he have a good feeling about that? That might make him think about it from your point of view. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure if you tried it already, but asking him if he notices that she flirts with him is also a good start. Sometimes people don't notice such things while it's obvious for bystanders. It's important to note the things she does only with him, or if she hangs around the necks of more people like that and it's her idea of a friendship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He seems to get easily offended/defensive. You can point out to him that you don't mean to attack him but that you want to get this all worked out so you can feel comfortable about their friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17686" LastActivityDate="2018-05-10T23:53:30.520" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14324" CreationDate="2018-05-11T00:12:18.517" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's analyse the situation for a second.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a problem with Stephanie's behavior towards Max. After some discussion, Max &lt;em&gt;seems&lt;/em&gt; to understand your point of view. However, you are afraid of the behavior continuing given the new opportunity for it to be present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are two options, in priority order:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Talk to Max (again)&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a serious matter if it affects your relationship. You need to &lt;em&gt;make him&lt;/em&gt; understand that you &lt;strong&gt;feel uncomfortable&lt;/strong&gt; with Stephanie's behavior and that it &lt;strong&gt;will affect your relationship&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start slow. Don't make accusations. And most importantly, &lt;strong&gt;focus on Stephanie's behavior, not Max's&lt;/strong&gt;. Otherwise, he will get defensive. When someone gets defensive, they stop being reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Max, I trust you completely. I even trust Stephanie. But no matter how much I know that there is nothing going on, I find her behavior uncomfortable. It upsets me, because I consider her behavior flirtatious, even if you nor her don't. I really wish you would set some boundaries with Stephanie, if only to make me more comfortable. You can be friends, but let's talk about some behaviors that you shouldn't encourage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can go on to list some behaviors:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hugging&lt;/strong&gt;: Acceptable &lt;em&gt;in moderation&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Playing with his hair&lt;/strong&gt;: Too flirty.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Eating off his plate&lt;/strong&gt;: Acceptable if she asks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Compliments&lt;/strong&gt;: Acceptable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those are just my opinions. Obviously substitute those with how you feel. And try to reach common ground, making sure you acknowledge his point of view. Once you do, tell him to enforce those boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's his body, make him stand up for himself. Stephanie is not entitled to play with someone's hair if they don't want her to.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And importantly, tell him that. Max needs to know that if he lets the behavior happen, he is accepting it. Being taken, he needs to shut down flirtatious behavior early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can give him tips, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Never reciprocate when being flirted with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Awkwardly move away when being touched (body-language rejection)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Say something when the boundaries are violated&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's honestly possible Max is just too nice to shut down Stephanie's behavior. Even so, he must do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Talk to Stephanie&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't do this. Seriously. Only if your relationship with Max is hanging on an incredibly thin thread will you resort to this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Changing someone's behavior like this is &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; difficult.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Doing this will make you look like &quot;the jealous girlfriend&quot;, and will cause fights. With Max, with Stephanie, etc. It could even bring them closer together if you are their common enemy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even if this works, Max will still be accepting of flirty behavior in the future, and this could happen all over again when someone flirts with him and he refuses to set boundaries.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you must, you can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Stephanie, I doubt this is your intention, but you're behavior around Max has made our relationship a lot more tense. It makes me feel uncomfortable as I don't normally see friends behave this way, especially when they are not single. Please, as a favor to me, lay off some of the more flirty behaviors when you're with Max. It's fine to hang out with him, but please respect some boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a slim chance at working, unless Stephanie isn't prone to getting defensive. The less accusing you are, the better chance you'll have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T00:12:18.517" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14333" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3573" CreationDate="2018-05-11T00:12:20.330" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote class=&quot;spoiler&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt; Note: There are a lot of great answers here, and while I feel Graham's is the best, his answer includes many personal antidotes that felt wrong to augment when I tried to edit it. He declined my request that he incorporate some of the information provided here to make his more comprehensive. So here is yet another answer, cobbled together the best ideas I've seen here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Graham astutely points out, &lt;strong&gt;you may also have a problem with empathy&lt;/strong&gt;. As zzzzBov mentions in his answer, &lt;strong&gt;what you have actually asking your husband for is 'sympathy' not 'empathy'&lt;/strong&gt;.  It sounds like you are just dumping your day on your partner, which Anne Daunted, points out, may not be something he enjoys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why he's interrupting you:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Since 'sympathy' comes from a &lt;a href=&quot;http://axiomamnesia.com/2012/01/19/why-we-arent-more-caring-a-theory-on-sympathy-vs-empathy/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;state of emotionally distance&lt;/a&gt;, your husband isn't feeling engaged with your conversation, and thus is looking to end it as quickly as possible by immediately offering solutions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You probably have some friends that do the same thing to you. Do you really enjoy the process of listing to that to that friend that's always complaining? or do you only really talk with her because you know it's safe to complain back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To &lt;strong&gt;break the pattern&lt;/strong&gt;, you either need to &lt;strong&gt;get better at turning your day into a more entertaining story, or be more clear about what 'the problem to solve' really is&lt;/strong&gt; as as Lamar Latrell suggested in his answer. For instance, if you are having a bad day, you could joke about all of the things that went wrong (which should make it obvious to your husband that you aren't looking for advice). Or, &lt;strong&gt;if you want emotional support&lt;/strong&gt; instead of the ability to just recount your day to someone, don't just ask for him to listen, &lt;strong&gt;ask for 'emotional support'&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being emotionally supportive can require a lot of energy on your partner's part, thus, as Christian mentions, employing some non-violent communication skills here can be very helpful. To start, try to &lt;strong&gt;always to ask for permission to start the conversation first&lt;/strong&gt;, as he may not be in the mindset / mood to be able to be present for you at the moment. If he says he is busy, you need to respect that, but can ask for when a good time to talk might be.  Similarly, as noted in the graphic below, try to get in the practice of making request by coupling your emotions to observations rather than assigning judgement or blame to anything thing that happened in your day. You can incorporate this practice into your ask by saying to your partner &lt;strong&gt;&quot;A lot of things happened at work today that made me feel [upset/out of control/angry], I need some emotional support right now, do you do you have time to talk?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/NOjCm.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/NOjCm.png&quot; alt=&quot;enter image description here&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More about Non-violent communication can be found here: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17673" LastEditorUserId="17673" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T17:56:05.867" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T17:56:05.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14328" CreationDate="2018-05-11T00:41:48.557" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practice with others.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can approach strangers in situations where making conversation is permitted, strangers you detect with the same type of strong looking faces, gestures and mannerisms. The guy selling hot dogs at the corner, the guy selling balloons at the park, the woman selling lottery tickets, the officer directing traffic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pick one or two people and follow through not just on a single day but recurrently, make conversation, get to know them so you detect what kind of ideas they are prone to defend and challenge their ideas trying diverse strategies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean to get in arguments, it doesn't mean to contradict their ideas, challenging is as simple as asking them to explain, to elaborate, then you can go further &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; you feel this won't end in confrontation, but also don't be too afraid to be out of your comfort zone in conversations or push them (your subjects) a little outside of their comfort zone, after all, you need to practice for when you need to do the same with managers and they (your stranger subjects) don't have a say in your job. Doing so, you are getting more and more skills and more experience on how to deal with strong characters like managers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Soon you will find out you now feel more comfortable exchanging info on important sensitive matters with mangers and such, &lt;strong&gt;because you have been developing confidence practicing those interpersonal skills you mentioned in your question&lt;/strong&gt;, and you will learn more techniques along the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll also end up making new community friends around your public area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T06:27:17.333" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T06:27:17.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14324" CreationDate="2018-05-11T01:16:56.770" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make your perceived enemy your best ally.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to have a great relationship, don't spoil that. Instead, get closer to Stephanie, she loves your boyfriend most likely in a platonic manner since she already has a boyfriend herself, she could be Max's best ally on work and together they could make much progress inside the labor environment if they keep that strong bond/alliance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stephanie could end up becoming your new best pal (or close enough, be a sincere friend), and when you feel there's enough rapport among the two of you, you could have a conversation about the jealousy without her thinking you made a scene or made it a big deal, she will understand because she will care about your feelings too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't fail at recognizing the opportunity this presents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being a good friend, she will also keep an eye on Max for you, remaining close with her will deter any intention to betray your trust because she'll think lying to you or keeping secrets from you would be nearly impossible because you two will now hang out very often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just don't go bananas and pushy on the strategy to make her your friend, you want to be subtle, find something you can do together without Max, girl specific stuff or things Max is not interested in, like going to the salon or similar (unless Max is the kind of man who likes dying his hair by a professional or having pedicure, I don't know him, you do, so I'm sure you'll think of something).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, and definitely prepare Max, so he doesn't react suspicious, be sincere but don't ask for permission:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think I misread things the other time, I want to be friend's with Stephanie, she seems cool&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will most likely agree, if he goes beyond agreeing and he gets enthusiastic, awesome. First make sure she keeps going home, if you have made her think she's not welcomed they might already be meeting in a safe environment to discuss work related things. You can't know if this is the case, so get Max to bring her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll be nicer to her next time she comes home&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when she does, let them go about their business but find a moment to hoard her time and attention for yourself and get to know her better, you'll eventually find a way to take that friendship out from the Max exclusivity setup&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he protests, that's another thing, then I would worry because he's already getting slightly territorial/possessive of her or showing he doesn't trust you, or he's simply displaying natural insecurities, you can defuse his insecurities. Your intentions could be obvious and you don't have to feel guilty about it because you are not acting against anyone's interests, you are a couple and she's a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But please, don't ask about confidential stuff they might already have established unless she, Stephanie, takes the first step, if she is a talker and she trusts you that's awesome, if she's the more suspicious type of person, she might just play along to your friendship endeavors for a long while before you develop a real friendship and she gets to trust you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't stress this enough, &lt;strong&gt;be a real friend&lt;/strong&gt; and a real friend will look out for your interests, in this case, including your relationship with Max, as a natural response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T10:17:00.747" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T10:17:00.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14336" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-11T02:05:47.920" Score="5" ViewCount="1070" Body="&lt;p&gt;For perspective, I'm a young man and I don't live with my parents nor am I dependent on them in any way. Recently, I've started to grow an interest in learning to ride a motorcycle. My dad has been riding since he was very young. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite my dad's lifelong hobby, my mother has never been approving. From what I can tell, she tolerate's my dad's hobby. Interestingly, she has allowed me to ride with him as a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, she has been &lt;em&gt;strongly&lt;/em&gt; against any ideas that I get into such a hobby. This is not new behavior when it comes to my physical risk, however, she understands very much her leverage as a parent and mine as a human, so I was rarely forbidden from having risky hobbies, just heavily discouraged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation I'm in now is that I want my dad to help me learn to ride, and he wants to give me his motorcycle as he is physically unable to ride anymore (due to age). My dad is unwilling to do these things without my mother's approval and insists I be the one to negotiate it (which is fair). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put it simply, my risk tolerance for myself is much higher than my mother's (probably not an uncommon thing for mothers and sons).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Without arguing or escalating a conflict, how do I convey that it is more beneficial that she help me pursue this hobby even though she is adamant on wanting me not to do so?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some Details:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's fairly likely I'll pursue this hobby either way, eventually. This will disappoint my dad because he doesn't want me riding without his guidance. And of course my mother will be just as unhappy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It would be much safer, cheaper, and beneficial if I had the support of my parents.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am taking this hobby, as well as safety, very seriously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't see my parents in person much due to location. Our time to talk in person would be limited to a day or two.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I do not want this to cause conflict between my parents&lt;/strong&gt;, meaning I want my mother to not fault my dad for teaching me and helping.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Really, I'm looking to explore motorcycle riding as a &lt;em&gt;potential&lt;/em&gt; hobby.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it were up to my dad, I would have been taught a long time ago.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My goal is for my mother to at least end up wanting to work with me, instead of against me, to help keep me safe. After all, it's safest to simply never walk the uncharted path, but the second-best option is to walk it with others.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T22:25:11.663" Title="How to ask a parent to help with something they disagree with fundamentally?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14337" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14338" CreationDate="2018-05-11T02:08:05.580" Score="59" ViewCount="14654" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some background:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been trying to get into a particular overseas university for about 2 years now (applied twice before, both rejected), but I found out that I got accepted this time after a lot of hard work and effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was beaming and went to tell my parents. After a short handshake, good job, they immediately went to tell me how I should apply to other universities (that they like), and started to question if I really want to go and how difficult it would be for me to go overseas. They also made bad jokes about my time there and what will happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing me try for this University three times it, ought indicate that I really want it and have thought about the possibilities and how to carry out my own plans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;I'm fed up with them treating me like I don't know what I'm doing and am still a kid (I'm 24yo). I want to communicate to them these feelings without coming off as an ungrateful son and disrespectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional info:&lt;/strong&gt; My culture is Asian, the overseas university is very far away, but my brother studied there and they didn't give him this much trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Parents don't approve of my choice in an overseas university. How to tell them to leave it to me it's my life and I've thought enough about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Thanks all for the insight and it has indeed helped me view this differently. After talks with my parents this past weekend, they have mellowed in their views and become more understanding. Many thanks to everyone for the answers and it has become a lot better :).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T14:11:48.277" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T14:11:48.277" Title="How to inform my parents that I didn't like their less than desireable response to my good news?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-11T02:57:24.333" Score="48" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am only 21, and my culture is Australian but I think dealing with parents who are very reluctant to accept your personal growth is a fairly universal issue that anyone can have and I do have a lot of experience in dealing with &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, by far the best way to communicate to my parents that &quot;I have thought about something in depth, and that they should stop treating me like I don't know what I'm doing&quot; would be to &lt;strong&gt;show them&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By this I mean to avoid asking for their opinions and essentially just do it. I do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; mean cut them off, just that when bringing up the topic with them try to focus on showing and explaining the research you have done and plans you have made rather than prompting them for their input.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds very much like this is just wishful thinking on your parents part, and they are likely trying to stubbornly convince &lt;em&gt;themselves&lt;/em&gt; that you don't know what you are doing and need their help just as much as they are trying to convince you. Because of this, getting into a discussion in these cases can be ineffective or even have the opposite effect. Instead the all around most successful solution I have found in making your parents face reality is to show it to them. You are forcing them to see things as they are, and its not ungrateful or rude in any way, it can even give them the opportunity to have that ever so touching bittersweet moment of realisation that their son is 'all grown up'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T03:38:10.337" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T03:38:10.337" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14339" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14399" CreationDate="2018-05-11T03:22:06.857" Score="26" ViewCount="15426" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's been a while (about 2 weeks) since I stopped understanding anything in class and I am afraid to tell the professor about my situation because she may get upset with me (which is obviously a not good idea). I feel the urge to tell her because I hope she will give me some helpful advice (&lt;em&gt;If I use the correct words&lt;/em&gt;). If she doesn't help me my chances of passing the course are very low.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I politely tell her that I'm lost in her class&#xA;and that I would love her to give me office hours? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About her: She gets upset easily and she is busy almost all the time. The way she teaches us is this: she arrives 10 minutes late to the class and when she arrives, she sits on a chair the whole hour and explain us in a very fast way with some slideshows projected on the board.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a course with a few other students.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6415" LastEditorDisplayName="user6415" LastEditDate="2018-12-27T17:45:57.323" LastActivityDate="2018-12-27T17:45:57.323" Title="How to tell my professor that I don't understand the class and that I want office hours?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="17" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14315" CreationDate="2018-05-11T03:24:39.767" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First of all, be flat out, be firm, but don’t be rude.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you start your conversation, it is most important that you set your boundaries for what you will say. Say nothing that goes against her beliefs, but stand by yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make a benefit out of why it may be better not to have a Twitter right now&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mention how you have enough on your plate, and maybe you’re too busy for a Twitter. Tell her about the time that just having a Twitter almost caused a catastrophe because you didn’t have anything on the Twitter, but you think it’d be better if you just didn’t have one so you could make sure nothing like that would happen again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make a point about what you already do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already use different forms of social media, so explain why those are better for your line of work. You get more accomplished when you post on &lt;em&gt;X&lt;/em&gt; rather than Twitter. Maybe throw in why Twitter &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; a good idea for your father’s company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Like a persuasive essay, make your final point&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to make sure she knows the reasons why you think Twitter is not a good idea for you, and leave it there to hang for a second. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Unlike a persuasive essay, people talk back.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your mother gives you any reason she thinks you should use Twitter, give her the reason why you disagree with that reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DON’T GO COLD TURKEY&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like a medication, make sure to wear off slowly. Remind her every week or so (in whatever way you can) that you don’t want to use Twitter. Continue this for a bit, then slowly say it less and less until you feel confident she won’t bother you about Twitter, then say it a few more times (not at the same time, of course). Make sure it’s really drilled into her head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep a good posture&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it’s your mom your talking to, and if your talking to her in person, I’m sure you won’t be uncomfortable. However, make sure you keep a steady pose (loose though! Just not shaky) and a constant voice. Avoid umms and uhs, as those are signs of uncertainty or lack of complete knowledge of the topic sentence. Use good diction, and last of all , &lt;strong&gt;DON’T BE RUDE.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17604" LastEditorUserId="3619" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T13:56:13.907" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T13:56:13.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14339" CreationDate="2018-05-11T03:35:19.390" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you know what you don’t understand, then try to find something online. Some colleges release all of their course lectures online for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, email her and ask her when you can come in and ask her some stuff about the course. When you do go in, explain the situation at hand and ask for her advice. Once she advises you, follow what she told you to do and see if it helps. If not, you’ve probably got classmates to help you. Talk to some of your classmates and see if they understand what’s going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s better to talk two weeks late than three, or four, or five, or so on. Talk to her ASAP, or you risk seriously falling behind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17604" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T03:35:19.390" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14342" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-11T04:04:59.137" Score="0" ViewCount="154" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine has a birthday coming up and I want to give them a gift. Given my history of poor gift giving, I am trying to put more thought into this. However, we've only recently started talking (stretching back maybe three or four weeks), and am unsure of what is appropriate. Furthermore, I know little of their hobbies or interests, or think they are not relevant for gifting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this even an appropriate time to give a gift, given our lack of history? If so, what kinds of gifts aren't imposing? Is the monetary value of the gift significant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;My new friend's birthday is soon, what kind of gift would be appropriate for a recent friend?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17701" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T04:09:09.263" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T04:36:58.240" Title="What kind of birthday gift is appropriate for a recent friend?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-05-11T04:30:38.320" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14342" CreationDate="2018-05-11T04:30:12.837" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Peoples' taste varies in every imaginable range so I doubt we can help you to find a good gift for him. Then it also depends on the location and culture, age and your and his personality. (Edit: now I see there is United States in the tags. But even this doesn't tell enough)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;I only can tell you my very personal opinion. So please imagine a &quot;it depends very much on lots of things&quot; before any sentences I write.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you know other friends of him who can advise you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What kind of friend is it, where did you meet him the first time, where do you normally meet, what are you doing then? Maybe you can derive a nice gift from these situations or locations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this even an appropriate time to give a gift, given our lack of history?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say a small one is ok. But for me it would be ok if I'd get nothing from a new friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If so, what kinds of gifts aren't imposing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this small time you know each other I'd say keep it really small. Make it a gesture, nothing else. Get something that doesn't make him think &quot;what the hell shall I do with that&quot; or ask himself why he got it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For me the only thing that counts in this situation is to show him you are aware of his birthday.&lt;/strong&gt; Nothing more. Something spontaneous is better than something you thought deep and long. You really are missing history for that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you hang out together, invite him to a drink or similar. That's better than pretending to be best friends for years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is the monetary value of the gift significant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No. I don't see a basis for expensive gifts. Don't make him afraid of this new friendship, don't raise expectations that you never intended to raise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastEditorUserId="13264" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T04:36:58.240" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T04:36:58.240" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14315" CreationDate="2018-05-11T04:47:32.037" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I also don't want to be mean and say things like &quot;I don't care about Twitter and retweets mean nothing to me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you think your mom would be offended if you say that?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Perhaps this is not mean to her but just honest. Accept she likes to share her life in the internet, but this doesn't mean you have to do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I miss in your question, for what purpose should you use those media? What does she expect to be there? What is her motivation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does she simply want to participate on your life? Then could it help to share some parts of your life with your family on 1-on-1 media like WhatsApp? Stuff posted there is not visible to the whole world (your argument: why should the whole world see what you do all day, it's not their business) and your mom still can be part of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastEditorUserId="17760" LastEditDate="2018-05-13T10:47:50.950" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T10:47:50.950" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14339" CreationDate="2018-05-11T04:48:45.203" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt;: that's the duty of a professor to answer &lt;em&gt;reasonable&lt;/em&gt; inquiries from students. As professors tend to be very busy, keep things simple and go straight to the points that you have a problem with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you visit Academia.SE, you will see that all academics are busy. Besides research and administrative duties, they are busy preparing classes, grading examinations and... answering questions during their office hours!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the first thing you should keep in mind is that, as a student, you have a right to ask questions and be given additional attention outside the classroom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before asking for some time with the professor, check the syllabus to see what are the office hours for that course. Most professors are required by their department to have official office hours where they are, roughly, &amp;quot;at the disposal of the students for questions&amp;quot;. In case there is nothing, you can approach the professor that way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Professor [Name], I feel I have some difficulties to understand the concepts of [topic] and [topic]. When are your office hours? I would like to visit you to ask a few questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, some professors don't have a specific time in their schedule reserved for students' questions, and prefer taking appointments. This should probably be mentioned in the course syllabus, so check it, but otherwise, you can approach the professor at the beginning or the end of a class. Or you could send her an email. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear Professor [Name], I am [your name], currently enrolled in your class of [topic]. I have some difficulties to understand the concepts of [topic] and [topic]. May I take an appointment with you to ask you a few questions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular, when sending an email, it is a good idea to include the topics of the questions you want to ask, so that the professor can have an idea of the duration of the meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't understand the difference between [concept 1] and [concept 2]. Could you explain me the nuance?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I read the solution of problem 2 in the assignment but I don't understand why you did [clever trick]. Could you explain to me how to get started on this kind of problems?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very few professors would be upset by students showing interest in the course material. More upsetting are the more frequent cases of students that don't understand the material and didn't care to do any extra effort to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, when approaching a busy professor, you have to be reasonable and &amp;quot;do your part of the job&amp;quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to identify the parts you don't understand as precisely as possible. &amp;quot;I don't understand anything&amp;quot; is not something a professor wants to hear. And is usually false, or show a complete lack of efforts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Learn the fundamentals of the course material: definitions and statements of the main theorems (since it is a maths/programming class). There is nothing more annoying than a student asking how to solve a problem about a basic concept X when they don't even know the definition of X.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular, to answer the title of the question, you cannot expect &amp;quot;a lot of office hours&amp;quot;. What is more realistic is to get explanations on the key concepts of the lectures, detailed explanations of some key methods and problems, and pertinent references to complete the course material and study by yourself. If done well, this should help you understand the topic (after all, you seemed to do fine until two weeks ago).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: this does not seem to apply in your case since it is a small class, but in larger classes, the usual course of action would be to ask your questions to the Teaching Assistant first, then go to speak to the professor if you still have unanswered questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5387" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T14:49:49.493" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-11T06:48:27.763" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a Asian as well, and I find parents tends to be more skeptical and they should be constantly worrying about their children. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having that in mind, they will need &lt;strong&gt;some kind of assurance&lt;/strong&gt;. Therefore, let them know your determination and your plans about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Dad, Mum. This university is something that I really wanted to get in. &lt;em&gt;[State your reason why you are choosing this university to the others]&lt;/em&gt;. Having tried 3 times and now I am able to get in (showed your determination). Definitely, study in the overseas will be difficult and a challenge (acknowledge their concerns), but this is also exactly why I wanted to give it a go - to be better and more independent (answer to their concern). And once graduated, I would like to find something &lt;em&gt;[...continue on your future plans]&lt;/em&gt;. Therefore, I hope both of you would understand and respect my decision of going overseas study. Give me the chance to prove not only to you all but myself as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;My English isn't that good, so just change accordingly to something along those lines above.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, I agreed with Jesse that the best solution would actually to &lt;strong&gt;show them by actions&lt;/strong&gt;. But you can only do that when granted to overseas study, which I believe given at your current stage, you will still need some financial support from them? If not, then you may fully go by Jesse's suggestion and show it to them that you can do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T06:48:27.763" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14336" CreationDate="2018-05-11T07:01:01.577" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Use the contrast principle of persuasion techniques.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll need to create and resolve tension through contrast. You already provided useful tension narrative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's fairly likely I'll pursue this hobby either way, eventually. This will disappoint my dad because he doesn't want me riding without his guidance. And of course my mother will be just as unhappy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While aiming at goal, we'll use another narrative you provided as the way to resolve tension&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do not want this to cause conflict between my parents&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And these are the two cornerstones that will support all the rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So keep your actions and arguments revolving around that. The first creates the tension and the second offers resolution. From that you can deliver arguments like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, mom, I already have the money to buy a motorcycle of my own, but dad worried about me riding an unknown vehicle and decided to gift his reliable wheels, that bike didn't fail him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So dad is your savior and by extension you're mother's champion and your best silent lawyer. And by contrast, the alternate option is uncertainty, your mom will intuitively reject the uncertainty option and feel better about your dad helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've never kept things from you and I don't want to start now, that's why I told you, I still don't regret it because I don't like lying either, I'm sure you wouldn't like that either&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, by contrast the option of keeping her on the blind offers more uncertainty and she'll be reminded it was good that you told her. The way it is phrased is not menacing but still subconsciously alarming, she will reject the lying possible scenario intuitively. If this triggers a more conscious response like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't you dare lying or keeping things from me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can perfectly and safely state that you didn't, you mention it because other people do that, you are the good son, you told her, now she should be the good mom and not get in the way being an obstacle for your savior, dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Elevate the value and status of dad, and imprint his present existence on your mom's imagination as proxy of your future existence, alive, safe and sound, by contrast, there's the stranger uncertainty:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need you to support dad in helping me, he's got experience, he's perfectly safe and sound and happily elderly, I want to follow his example to have a good time while doing things correctly, successfully and safe. Dad is awesome, I can be as good as him but I need his supervision, an experienced stranger won't be as interested and invested in providing the best possible advice as dad will be, don't you agree?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents are now feeling like parents again, so useful, not only emotionally available like good nice parents are, but practical and useful again at last.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think she won't be able to debate that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, and please honor that, be safe and follow his advice. I already had a messy motorcycle accident even while following advice and traffic rules, provoked by a girl who was learning how to drive, fortunately, I'm immortal and landed on my feet while the bike was utterly destroyed. Not all people come out as victorious from such an event. The helmet did help, always wear a helmet. Special jackets with reinforced rigid structures for the spine have saved people I know, get one of those. And, sorry for the off-topic paragraph, but providing manipulative skills only for you to get hurt would make me feel horrible, I do believe he can be your savior, in a sense, a practical sense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T07:28:12.813" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T07:28:12.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14348" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14322" CreationDate="2018-05-11T07:59:47.007" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've definitely encountered this; I currently rarely drink, and I have many friends who never do. The strongest peer pressure to drink was in college &amp;amp; my early 20s, especially when getting to know new coworkers, new classmates, etc. Thorsten S. and Kendra already address some good ways to deal with direct confrontation or pressure, though your current strategy of focusing on the main activity is a great one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This answer addresses one of the &amp;quot;mellower&amp;quot; forms of this phenomenon, that seems to come from misplaced hospitality.&lt;/strong&gt; There are some cultural norms that &amp;quot;water doesn't count.&amp;quot; (E.g., in the U.S. it is &amp;quot;bad luck&amp;quot; to drink a toast with water.) Sometimes asking for water can be perceived as accepting only the bare minimum of hospitality; this could be viewed as an insult, or as a sign that you don't feel welcome yet, or a challenge to some hosts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could really &lt;strong&gt;embrace the idea of water&lt;/strong&gt;, to show it &amp;quot;counts&amp;quot; as hospitality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you, I'm so thirsty right now! Could you actually get me some water, please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll let you know if I need anything else later, but for right now I would love some water, please!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they offer sparkling water, ice, lemon, or anything like that, they're getting to show their hospitality, so accept it gratefully if the fancy option works for you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could &lt;strong&gt;ask for any other food or drink&lt;/strong&gt; (besides alcohol and water); this could satisfy their need to serve you and also make you seem all set.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This can be awkward if the host doesn't have anything to offer EXCEPT alcohol; asking for something they don't have may be embarrassing, which makes them want to get you to accept the alcohol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you suspect this will be the case, you can bring a non-alcoholic drink to share, e.g. a bottle of sparkling cider (if it's more of a wine situation) or soda (if there's beer) or &amp;quot;mixers&amp;quot; like Coca-Cola, orange juice, pomegranate juice, ginger ale, or birch beer (if there's hard liquor).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In many situations at people's houses, after the initial drink, you can serve yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is harder if they put wine bottles on the table at dinner, say.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they offer you something &amp;quot;while they're up,&amp;quot; you can say, &amp;quot;Thanks, I'll grab myself something in a minute.&amp;quot; You can wander to the drink area and come back with tap water or just some of a &amp;quot;mixer,&amp;quot; or some food (if they have no other non-alcoholic options).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you drink caffeine, it is often seen as &amp;quot;logical&amp;quot; that it is the opposite of alcohol, and that you might want a stimulant instead of a depressant. (Alcohol makes many people feel sleepy.) So you could say, &amp;quot;Actually, I'm feeling more like a cup of tea/coffee right now.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If necessary, you can have a tea bag in your bag/wallet, and just ask for hot water.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cheers!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T07:59:47.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-11T09:03:18.707" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;They are likely just concerned for you. I cannot explain why they may have treated your brother differently (although that could just be your perception because you are now on the receiving end) but parents worrying for their children, whilst annoying, is evidence of their love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you have described is not outright opposition - they congratulated you (albeit halfheartedly) but are now trying to change your mind in a not-so-subtle way. Based on this there doesn't seem to be any real concern that they will do anything to &lt;em&gt;stop&lt;/em&gt; you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My preferred method for dealing with this would be to &lt;em&gt;weather the storm&lt;/em&gt;, that is to press on with your plans to attend the university, be absolutely unwavering in your decision, keep positive, and where possible turn their negativity into positivity. This will take effort - their lack of support is clearly getting you down. But if you challenge them outright, you will have a disagreement and fall out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just answer everything they throw at you with a positive, undeterred response. If they say &lt;em&gt;you'll run out of money&lt;/em&gt; then reply &lt;em&gt;so I'll get a job&lt;/em&gt;. If they say &lt;em&gt;it's dangerous there&lt;/em&gt; reply &lt;em&gt;then I'll be extra careful&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See, I don't believe they want to cut you off. They seemingly want you to be nearby, perhaps because of safety concerns, or because they will miss you if you go overseas. If you just pursue this goal like a runaway train I believe your parents will quickly realise that by being negative &lt;em&gt;you are leaving them behind&lt;/em&gt;. Show them that you are going to do this with or without their support, and if they love you and care for you which they surely do then they need to catch up with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T09:03:18.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14339" CreationDate="2018-05-11T09:48:44.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Approaching your professor should only be done after the following has been gone through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;University is about learning how to get information and teach yourself through research.  The lecturer is touching on subjects, which you should read around and learn before attending the lecture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Source the subject being dealt with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find papers, research, studies that go through the basics.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to others who know the subject.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you have done the above, and are armed with questions which show you have understood the subject and wish to progress it, it is the right time to approach the professor and you will know what to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the question of office hours, a lecture with only 5 students is equivalent to a tutorial.  Making best use of this time, with a little 15 minute focus on problems afterwards would probably be acceptable.  A professor who is stretched and gets paid to deliver only what they deliver, is not going to be able to give much more.  This professor is already overworked, so getting more than this is probably a pipe dream.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="16994" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T10:17:17.717" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T10:17:17.717" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14352" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14272" CreationDate="2018-05-11T10:40:12.807" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;He's not only delaying you, but also &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; in line behind you. If you let him cut in front of you then &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are causing an inconvenience for those behind you. He really ought to ask everyone in line, starting from the very back, and as soon as someone says &quot;no&quot; he has to get in line behind that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should inform him of this; that he would be causing an inconvenience for everyone in the line and not just you and it's not up to you alone to let him cut in line. Consider how you would feel if he instead had asked the person in front of you and that person let him cut in line without asking you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's frankly your responsibility to not let him cut in line without the okay from everyone in line behind you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8902" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T10:40:12.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-11T10:49:49.410" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;though it's generally frowned upon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really? Or do you feel it's frowned upon? Personally as someone who lives in the UK I would not think any less of (or for that matter really care if) someone didn't take their partners name. I know of a man who took his wives name when they got married. Me and my partner discussed this when we got married, in the end we decided to stick to the convention. It is &lt;strong&gt;a convention&lt;/strong&gt; though, conventions are not rules (social or otherwise). It's common in other cultures to arrange surnames in different ways, for example in &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_naming_customs#Marriage&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Spain women do not take the mans name&lt;/a&gt; (mostly). So in Spain you would be conforming to the normal social norm and people would ask &quot;Why are you taking you husbands name?&quot; if you didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find that it's generally males who have a problem with me wanting to&#xA;  keep my last name&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems a sweeping generalisation. As I male I would not think twice if this happened to someone I know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As a result, I get asked &quot;Why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're breaking a convention, people are curious. You seem to be seeing this as a negative. this may or may not be true. I'd ask yourself why are you seeing this, this way? Is it your preconceptions of what the question &quot;why?&quot; means to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to explain how it's my decision without having to explain&#xA;  myself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simple, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I just decided that's what I wanted&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. It's your choice I don't see why you would need to clarify anymore than that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Family members might be more difficult, especially older ones. But just remember these people grew up in a totally different world to you. They don't understand many things in the modern world, take it on the chin and move on. Just repeat the answer above, if you don't feel the need to explain yourself, then don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5778" LastEditorDisplayName="user5778" LastEditDate="2018-10-25T09:24:26.193" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T09:24:26.193" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14272" CreationDate="2018-05-11T11:16:48.813" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm in a hurry too. Could you ask if another line could be opened?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the problem is the queue is too long, then a better solution for everyone might be another line being opened.  Having him do it is good for everyone.  If it is not that important, then it is just back in the line for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3658" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T11:16:48.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14358" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14315" CreationDate="2018-05-11T11:43:45.297" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Parents nearly all give advice to their kids whether they want it or not. But as you have reluctantly begun using Twitter for your &lt;em&gt;work&lt;/em&gt;, your best line of reasoning would be that it is rather unprofessional to have your mom visibly interfering with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her retweeting your posts is not really doing any harm. It is debatable whether or not it is helping promote your account, but personally I would ignore this - it is just a way of her showing how proud she is of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is texting you directly either via SMS or direct messaging through Twitter, again this is not harming your public-facing business persona so you could just politely ignore it, although I appreciate your goal is to confront her and ask the messages to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is replying to your tweets, then this is something you should address. It just doesn't look professional. Her retweets go into &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; timeline for &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; followers to see, and sure, your followers can see who has retweeted you but that isn't a big deal. &lt;em&gt;Your&lt;/em&gt; followers - your potential customers or clients - can see that your mom is chatting with you on Twitter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If this is the case, you could say&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, I would appreciate it if you don't reply to my Twitter posts. I don't think it looks so professional to have a reply from my mom attached to every tweet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, if you just want to confront her about the constant direct messages, one simple approach might be to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, I appreciate you want to pass on your experience with Twitter, but a lot of it doesn't apply to me. I'd rather just find my own way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, an alternate approach which you may prefer would be to show her how much you know about Twitter, and using more detail explain that her strategies are not for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to put words in your mouth that don't apply, but here is an argument that I have had myself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If you do [x] you'll get more followers&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &quot;If you do [x] then more people will see your tweet&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;But I don't want followers just for the sake of it - I want quality followers who are actually searching for and are interested in the things I am tweeting about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T12:50:51.543" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T12:50:51.543" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-11T11:46:27.653" Score="24" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Caveat: US-ish perspective.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dont' tell them. You &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, the very fact that you are describing your relationship in these terms hints that you still orbit their star. Is their blessing &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; so necessary? I mean, sure, it would be &lt;em&gt;nice&lt;/em&gt; and all, but you're an adult person living your own life. Just go &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; it. They'll come around. Or not: that's the risk you take. Arguably preferable to living in their shadow forever, but YMMV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the difference compared to your brother, if you're the youngest and your parents are aging they are going to have some separation anxiety and possibly an identity crisis. One of the most important roles in their lives for the last ~30 years has been that of parent, and suddenly it's a lot less central than it was. Probably right about the same time their career(s?) are winding down (another central pillar of identity). You should be empathetic and respectful (you'll be in their shoes someday) but that's no reason to stunt your personal growth and development.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4233" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T11:46:27.653" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14360" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1094" CreationDate="2018-05-11T13:34:10.773" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've already discussed this with him, next &quot;Get Angry&quot;.  You are fully within your right to disapprove of your associate's behavior and within your right to let them know how you feel about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found people will usually go with their default mode of behavior UNLESS there is a reason not to.  The problem comes when you compound this with the fact that often, particularly if you are a tolerant person, your annoyances may go unnoticed.   It is YOUR duty to let someone know when they are annoying you. &#xA; You don't have to be mean or nasty about it, but letting people know you are angry, and being impacted by their actions, can have positive results.&#xA;A Simple &quot;Dammit, Jack!&quot;, or even more politely &quot;Jack! Please!&quot;, in an angry tone of voice will probably suffice. If queried, tone it down immediately with something like &quot;Common bud, we've talked about this before.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important, with this tactic, to NOT let it escalate.  While you certainly have the right to be annoyed with Jack's behavior, (and his lack of consideration for how you feel about it), keep in mind he certainly has the right to engage in it ANYWAY.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Indeed, this advice will NOT work in all circumstances.  It requires that the person you are interacting with A) actually cares about your feelings  B) is NOT the kind of person that just gets angry BACK as an automatic defense (immediate escalation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be warned: this tactic DOES have the potential for a negative outcome, particularly when used excessively or without careful consideration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17674" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T13:34:10.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-11T13:37:56.560" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's an Interpersonal Skill that rarely seems to be brought up here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lie.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't owe people the truth and you have no plans to get married soon, so you can't be proven to have lied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're looking to avoid the conversation, avoid explaining your reasons why, and you're not looking to change the world's opinion on traditional last name marriage conventions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone asks you if you're going to change your last name, just say, &quot;Yeah, probably&quot;. You can add &quot;haven't given it much thought&quot; to make them think that you don't really care about the subject and don't want to be bored with a conversation about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Done. Simple as that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you're married, according to what you've written, you'll both have &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; last name, not your partners. If they ask if you took his last name just say yes you did. Again, you don't owe anyone the truth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get caught out after marriage as having lied, or people who know your last name from before and after the marriage bring it up, just tell them the very reason you lied is to avoid conversations about not wanting to pick his last name. That should leave them in no doubt that now they know you didn't take his last name, it still isn't a matter up for discussion. They'll either understand and drop it, or if they try to engage you on the matter, you can be a little more blunt and explain that &lt;strong&gt;they're&lt;/strong&gt; doing the one thing you were looking to avoid, and so to drop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11561" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T13:37:56.560" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14315" CreationDate="2018-05-11T13:51:44.013" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems you and your mom are having two different conversations about Twitter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her conversation seems to be&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I need to explain all of the features and benefits of Twitter so Noctiluca will see the value in it and use it more so we can interact on it together.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your conversation appears to be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I need to explain why I &lt;em&gt;don't want&lt;/em&gt; to use Twitter so my mom will stop bothering me about it.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So perhaps you can reframe your conversation to be more in line with hers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to explain to my mom that I understand the features and benefits of Twitter, but that regardless of the perceived value I &lt;em&gt;will not&lt;/em&gt; change my Twitter habits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think my main suggestion is that &lt;strong&gt;you do not need to convince her that you don't like it or don't want it. You simply need her to understand that you won't.&lt;/strong&gt; She may continue to ask why or try to sell you on it, but the only responses needed are&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand, but I'm just not going to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand, but I'm not concerned about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The resulting conversation might become a broken record at first, but that can be helpful if she understands no new response is coming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, it may be that your mom simply misses you and just wants to connect. Consider offering her some communication alternatives. I call my mom most days on my commute home and it has really calmed her need to insert herself into other parts of my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T17:11:15.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14336" CreationDate="2018-05-11T14:45:23.090" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a similar situation arise when I started Jiu Jitsu. My mother is terrified of me getting injured in a fight or in practice. To placate her, I reassured her that I take every safety measure possible to avoid injury when I practice. Although she isn't a huge supporter of me doing the sport, she does respect my decision without arguing with me.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You don't mention this, but I suspect your mother's main concern with you riding motorcycles is the risk that they pose. If this is the case, the following may work for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show her that you have the appropriate equipment to safely ride, and that you take your safety seriously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take multiple classes that will ensure your safety. While it is great that your dad can teach you, I am sure that she'll relax a little more about this potential hobby if you take a class from a trained professional.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain to her that you'll ride in safe conditions. This means that you'd avoid cycling at night, when it's rainy, or when it's snowy (if you want to ride in these conditions, you may avoid telling her this, but this is probably the situations she's most worried about).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you take these steps, she may allow you to take up this exciting new hobby, because you've demonstrated to her that you're listening to her concerns. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17668" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T14:45:23.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-11T14:53:30.347" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm surprised no one has mentioned &amp;quot;forewarning&amp;quot; so far.  If you have a &amp;quot;no shoes&amp;quot; policy in your house, you should mention that in the original invitation, &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; people get to your house.  Otherwise, they may feel ambushed, especially if they did not come prepared to take off their shoes.  (Perhaps they wore socks with holes in them that day. Or perhaps they didn't wear socks, and they feel uncomfortable with their bare feet on your floor. Perhaps they have an odor issue and they'd rather decline the invitation than be horribly embarrassed in front of everyone at your door.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also gives them a chance to bring their own slippers if they should choose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13082" LastEditorUserId="13082" LastEditDate="2021-05-09T17:31:49.710" LastActivityDate="2021-05-09T17:31:49.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14272" CreationDate="2018-05-11T14:55:40.427" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tells them that they can't walk all over you.  Any hostile faces or words directed at you are reflective of the other person, not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Somewhat off-topic, but the above answer could be a solid answer to half of these &quot;&lt;strong&gt;conflict-aversion&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; tagged questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17722" LastEditorUserId="17722" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T17:01:06.710" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T17:01:06.710" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3761" CreationDate="2018-05-11T15:56:42.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know stereotyping is dangerous, but for all I know you may find this helpful (from &lt;a href=&quot;https://introvertfiles.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/how_to_live_with_introverts_guide_printable_by_sveidt-d5b09fj.jpeg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/HxDJ5.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/HxDJ5.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;A comic book page presenting &amp;quot;Dr. Carmella&amp;#39;s guide to understanding the introverted&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see at least one possible way you can play board games with them and not get annoyed by them getting drunk. Simply tell them that you would love playing board games with them (specify whatever frequency you like) but that you would feel comfortable when they are not drunk. That way, you and they both get to enjoy a nice time together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12070" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-03T16:32:01.110" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T16:32:01.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14322" CreationDate="2018-05-11T16:03:14.767" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't drink, but I used to drink. When I first made the choice to stop drinking, a lot of people were fairly shocked because my friends could always count on me joining them to go Karaoke at the bar, or doing some crazy shot at a house party. They asked why and I explained I just didn't find drinking amusing anymore and I would rather spend the 60 dollars a weekend on something better. They were all okay with it and didn't harass me much about it afterward (unless to tease me in a joking way).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I go to parties or the bar now with friends and someone who is not part of the usual group asks why I don't have a beer, I just simply say I don't feel like drinking. I may also say I have work in the morning especially if it's going to a bar midweek.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have not really encountered anyone following it up with why lately but on the off chance I do, I usually just tell them I am on a diet for CrossFit (which is not a lie either), or state that you are making sure your friends get home safely today and is the DD (again not usually a lie for me as I am/was frequently the DD especially before uber).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of those are great because it can lead the topic going in another direction. Most of the time when someone walks up to ask you why you aren't drinking, they are looking to start a conversation with you and since you not having a beer in your hand is the easiest way to walk up and ask why it gives them a foot in the door to talk to you. This allows you to then shift it to some lifestyle stuff (especially if it's someone you think is cute and may want to talk to as well). &quot;Oh really, you are doing CrossFit? That's so cool I hear it is hard!&quot; and then you have the chance to then carry on a conversation about something you are more interested in. If you say you have to work, obviously it's an easy tie in to &quot;Oh cool, what do you do for work?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: You can also say something like, &quot;I do enough stupid things sober!&quot; Gets a good laugh and also still leads to a different path for conversation! I use that line fairly frequently and forgot until I read another answer that reminded me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point being, most of the time people ask it is because they find you interesting enough to approach and are looking for a way to get a conversation started. Since it is considered normal that people mostly go to parties to drink, it's an easy icebreaker to ask you why you don't have one. From there you can turn your response into something that can continue a conversation on into a topic you more enjoy!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T17:22:25.330" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T17:22:25.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3761" CreationDate="2018-05-11T16:43:28.757" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a fellow introvert, I can relate. However, I am nowhere near that goal driven and wanting to self-develop as you. I just enjoy my quiet time away from the noise. But I find that instead of trying to be courteous and declining them, from their point of view, it really does feel like you are avoiding them or maybe you don't like them. A person who is extroverted doesn't really understand why someone would choose to be in solitude over the company of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that in this situation, it is best to be upfront with them. Maybe the next time you catch them all in the kitchen just let them know you wanted to talk to them a moment and explain how you really appreciate their kindness. But tell them that right now you are focused on bettering yourself and studying. Let them know you still like them but that you would rather hang out maybe once a month or once every couple weeks so that you can better focus on your tasks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most of my experiences with roommates, I found this to generally work. Especially if they are being nice to you and not being rude. From their point of view, they don't want you to be alone and are probably worried about you. So just assure them that you aren't depressed or that you aren't blowing them off and that you are okay and it should help to get them to slow down too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T16:43:28.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-11T19:03:51.667" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Caveat: US parental perspective&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest not wasting your time telling your parents how much you didn't like their response. I don't see an up-side to this, for you or them. If they're not standing in the way and saying &quot;You cannot go&quot; then make your plans and go, whether they like it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3044" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T19:03:51.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14377" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-11T19:05:05.553" Score="51" ViewCount="4916" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was born with several disabilities, including Asperger's syndrome, hearing impairment, and other difficulties related to being born blue. (Neonatal hypoxia)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am nearly 50, am independent, and have come to terms with all of my difficulties.  While I did have a bit of a rough life, I've learned to cope and I am not sensitive about my disabilities in the least.  I make light of them, joke about them and don't mind if others do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is with an acquaintance who will jump all over anyone who snarks or comments on things that I do that even I find funny, such as taking something literally, misunderstanding something, et cet.  This has had a chilling effect because now people who would joke around with me are being cautious with their comments and are not treating me the same as before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not made out of glass and it is not this person's place to be offended on my behalf.  Frankly, I find it insulting, as it is treating me like I'm a child.  I am well capable of handling anything that is actually rude and or abusive and don't need a savior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I best communicate to this person that this behavior is unacceptable, and let the others know that their behavior is?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm tempted to just tell the person off, but that would create difficulties as this is at work and the person is in a position of power.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T19:12:16.410" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T09:45:10.857" Title="How to address a someone who is constantly offended on my behalf" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14378" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-11T19:15:54.480" Score="6" ViewCount="794" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have two roommates, both of whom are moving out this month, though our lease is up at the end of July. We split the rent/utilities three ways, and Roommate A, without being asked, told me he'd continue paying his share of rent/gas/electric/internet. I appreciated this and think it's fair, since his absence doesn't change, for example, how much electricity the refrigerator uses, or the cost of heating/cooling the house, etc. Roommate B, on the other hand, hasn't made this same offer (I actually haven't seen him for the past couple of days, and only heard about his plans to move out this month from Roommate A).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like Roommate B to continue making the same payments as Roommate A so that I don't get stuck paying 2/3 of the bill, but I'm worried that he wont see it the same way as Roommate A. How should I broach the subject with him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are on the same lease. We each separately pay rent to our landlord and utilities directly to the utility companies. The utilities are in my name, so they pay me and I pay the companies.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My understanding, until I get official word from Roommate B, is that he plans on moving out without getting out of the lease or subletting, meaning that until the lease ends there will be no way to rent out the room to another person&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17735" LastEditorUserId="17735" LastEditDate="2018-05-11T20:38:07.010" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T22:52:58.770" Title="How should I ask a roommate who's planning to move out before their lease is up to continue paying their portion of the utilities?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14377" CreationDate="2018-05-11T19:18:57.457" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since this person is &lt;em&gt;trying&lt;/em&gt; to do right by you, it's probably best to approach it by first acknowledging their attempts to be helpful before asking them to stop.  I'd recommend privately saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I notice you've been sticking up for me when ______ (instance/example), and I appreciate the intent behind you doing that for me. Can I ask you to do me a favor? I'm not bothered by _______ so I'd prefer to be the one to say something if I was.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to not making this relationship turn ill (especially since this person seems to be a workplace acquaintance) is to pat this person on the back for attempting to be your ally &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; telling them that you'd prefer to fight your own battles.  While you may not actually be thankful for their attempts, it'll make the rejection a bit easier for them to handle (because at least you're saying you appreciate their effort).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, asking them to comply to your wishes via leading with &quot;Can I ask you to do me a favor?&quot; also let's them continue to take action in being your ally (but by letting you handle it yourself).  They clearly &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to help, so asking them to hold their tongue for you may be a great way to redirect their undesired behavior to a desired one (in your case, them keeping quiet).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr: thanks, but no thanks&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the side of approaching those who were &quot;scolded&quot; by this person, they'll probably warm back up to joking around after a while of not having this third party run interference (especially since you seem to like to joke about it yourself, and that's sure to lighten them back up to it).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd avoid telling them that the acquaintance was out of line because, again, he &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; trying to help... Plus, it could reflect poorly on you if it got back to him that you were actually really put off by his actions, and end up causing tension on your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T21:26:25.503" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T21:26:25.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14377" CreationDate="2018-05-11T19:33:22.530" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the best ways I have found for dealing with these kinds of situations is to casually defend those in question.  Accusations that someone might be offensive can really upset the tone of the interaction between everyone involved and it is important that you attempt to return that tone back to a pleasant one, assuming you don't find it to be offensive.  For example if someone jokes about a disability of yours and the acquaintance attempts to reprimand them, you might say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, it's fine.  I love a good joke, but maybe this one would be more appropriate outside of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By saying this you are accomplishing multiple things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;First you are letting your acquaintance know that you are not offended by the joke, and that there is no need for them to be offended for you.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Secondly you reinforce the idea that they were not attempting to be offensive, but merely joking with you.  This can be important because it can help to diffuse any feelings that they may have had different intentions by saying you believe they were joking.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;And third, and probably most importantly, you acknowledge that this might not be the correct location for a something that could potentially be construed as offensive.  You mentioned that the acquaintance looking to defend you is in a position of power at work.  If this is true, it's always helpful to remind everyone that HR might not see it your way if such an incident were to be reported.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody wants to be put in a situation where they are afraid to talk to people about certain subjects, but it is important to learn there is a time and place for everything&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17718" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T19:33:22.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14378" CreationDate="2018-05-11T19:45:57.720" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This can be a little tricky, and it really depends on how Roommate B behaves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're the more easy going type, you could use the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, Roommate B, I know you're moving out in a month, but I was wondering, would you'd be able to continue paying for utilities, since your lease doesn't end until July? I'd appreciate it, because otherwise, I would be stuck with the bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they tend to keep to themselves, or they're more uptight, you'll have to be a little more cautious, especially since money is a sensitive topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17668" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T19:45:57.720" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14383" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14378" CreationDate="2018-05-11T20:43:56.857" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming you have no legal leverage (or leverage of any kind really), I think the best you can do here is to try and create empathy for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Paint a picture for your roommate of how his decision will impact your life and the financial burden it will put on you and force him to put himself in your shoes, as it's likely he simply hasn't considered this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll want to avoid being accusatory or putting him on the defensive, as this can backfire and give him a way out (eg he can tell himself you're being unreasonable or treating him unfairly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5341" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T20:43:56.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14322" CreationDate="2018-05-11T20:50:25.430" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a disclaimer, I do drink, but I've experienced a similar situation with smoking. From what I've experienced, I think you should still open with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No thanks, I don't drink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, a lot of people don't understand why someone might not drink. What's worse, a lot of people think you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; drink. Not that it's important or anything, they just don't understand you might simply not like it. That invites a difficult mindset to deal with. Like you said, &lt;strong&gt;it usually challenges people to find a drink that I would enjoy or to convince me to have a drink.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best advice to you is not to invite that challenge; don't give them anything to push against.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say &amp;quot;I don't like the taste&amp;quot;, someone will hear &amp;quot;If you get me a drink that tastes good, I'll drink it.&amp;quot; The same goes for just about any excuse, so simply don't offer any. Reiterate that you just don't like drinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: No thanks, I don't drink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Why not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: It's just never been my thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you aren't offering them any opportunities to convince you otherwise. You're plainly telling them the fact that you just don't like it. Unfortunately, again, some people don't really understand this reason; they might not believe you, and they may try to squeeze some &amp;quot;hidden reason&amp;quot; out of you. Don't play along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I wouldn't even acknowledge the reasons they bring up. Like you said, it's a challenge to them now. The moment you disagree with them they think they have an opportunity to change your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: You just haven't had the right drink then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I don't know what to tell you, I just don't like drinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they keep pushing it, be firm and keep repeating yourself. Don't come up with an excuse at any point, and &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; cave and take a drink with no intention of drinking it. If you accept it, now that person thinks you drink under the right circumstances. Next time they'll try to replicate those circumstances; don't convince them that'll work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you could respond to their inquiry with some humor. This is a personal opinion, but I've found the type of people who try to force a drink on someone are also the type of people who respond best to self-deprecating humor. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: No thanks, I don't drink&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Why not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I've got waaay too many vices already / I'm already enough of a mess sober / [insert humor here]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's up to you if your friends/acquaintances will respond better to humor. Some people will laugh and drop it, but some people will keep pushing. For example, &amp;quot;I've got enough vices already&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;Well then one more won't hurt!&amp;quot;. In that case, I'd keep it light, but maintain that you don't want a drink, &amp;quot;I dunno, I think I'd better not risk it.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may need to explore a little to work out which lines work best and which environments call for which solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T20:50:25.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14336" CreationDate="2018-05-11T21:51:18.500" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell your mother that in your independence you have come to realize that there are certain skills in life that you weren't aware that you needed, and one of those is riding a motorcycle. You could go to a young, inexperienced instructor, or you could ask dad for help (seeing that he has reached old age he surely has a lot of motorcycle wisdom to hand down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, think about something that your mother could teach you that helps you in your independent life (cooking perhaps?) and ask her for help in that too. Visiting family and having motorcycle lessons by dad, followed by cooking lessons by mom, and then all of you sharing a hearty meal sounds like the perfect family plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1929" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T21:51:18.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-11T22:31:16.170" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;With kids, coordinate with their parents.  Speaking in terms of adults... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Telling them in advance: not a fan&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What inspired me to answer here was the thought of telling someone you don't have shoes in your house &lt;em&gt;well before they got there&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;strong&gt;This sets up a no-win situation&lt;/strong&gt;.  When you arrive, if you tell them again, you are insulting their intelligence because you already told them.  However, if you &lt;em&gt;silently&lt;/em&gt; expect them to remember, and then they forget, now what?  Either you bite lips as they tromp around your house oblivious, or you &lt;em&gt;remind&lt;/em&gt; them and make them feel bad for forgetting, which is not a flattering look for you either.  Sidestep that; tell them literally as you unlock the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, telling them &lt;em&gt;in advance&lt;/em&gt; also sends a more subtle signal: that you are reluctant or are of two minds of having me come over, and saying it (now) is a subtle discouragement.  I would treat that at full value: if we were approaching a cafe, my proposal would be &quot;Oh, wouldn't a pastry sound good? Let's visit here for awhile, I'll buy&quot; (read: instead of going to your home).  I would not want to put &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; on the spot of having to contrive another excuse to not invite me in. So on exiting the cafe, I'd say &quot;It was really nice to spend time with you!&quot; without closure, i.e. with no indication of needing to be anywhere else. (Read: if you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want me to come over, this is your opening to be inviting).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's far worse if they've &lt;em&gt;already been there&lt;/em&gt; and botched it.  Because when you remind them &lt;em&gt;well before your arrival&lt;/em&gt;, what appears between the lines is  &quot;Beautiful day, good company, and what comes to the front of &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; mind is insulting you twice: first bringing up how careless you were with the shoes the last time, and now presuming you are too stupid to have remembered. That is literally the best thought I can think right now.  Oh, and expect to be reminded &lt;em&gt;again&lt;/em&gt; at the threshold.&quot; Such a &lt;em&gt;faux pas&lt;/em&gt; is no place from which to call out their social graces. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;It's all on you to convince them, and will always be&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's really tempting to think of your shoe-free policy as some sort of &quot;right&quot; and then get righteous about it -- especially when you do it long enough to &quot;normalize&quot; it.  But that's not so.  You have every right to make your house a shoe-free zone, &lt;strong&gt;but they don't have any duty to help&lt;/strong&gt;.  And so the burden lands on you to get them to do it; everytime, with tact and grace.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, that can get exasperating. But when it feels exhausting to tell people &lt;em&gt;over and over&lt;/em&gt;, just check yourself -- you have fallen into the trap of thinking of your shoe policy as an entitlement they owe you. That is not being a courteous host, so get out of that trap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's your job, and you can make it a lot with props, signs, slippers and other indications as the other answers have discussed.  But again, don't &lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt; to be &lt;em&gt;owed&lt;/em&gt; people reading the signs and going along with it.  When someone errs, politely correct them and forget about it. That's it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T22:31:16.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14378" CreationDate="2018-05-11T22:52:58.770" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;IANAL&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We are on the same lease. We each separately pay rent to our landlord and utilities directly to the utility companies. The utilities are in my name, so they pay me and I pay the companies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The utilities being in your name is not really relevant to whether they're responsible for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What matters is whether they're on the lease or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My understanding, until I get official word from Roommate B, is that he plans on moving out without getting out of the lease or subletting, meaning that until the lease ends there will be no way to rent out the room to another person&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My understanding of this is that as Roommate B won't be removed from the lease by their own choice, they are still legally a tenant and obliged to pay &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; rent and utilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Roommate B &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; (as an obligation) give notice to the landlord of intent to leave early and comes to an arrangement with the landlord about rent &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; you and the other tenant (also leaving) about the utilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have a contractual obligation called a lease would be the bottom line here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Roommate A is being quite sensible about this.  Roommate B is trying to bail on their responsibilities (or doesn't understand them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and A need to sit down with B and discuss these matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As A told you B was planning to leave, ask A to email or text B (to keep a record) confirming whether they're staying or going and if they're going to say when.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B will either contact you all and tell you all properly or not.  If they contact you you can explain that in view of the time left on the lease you and A reasonably expect them to cover the utilities until a replacement can be arranged or the lease end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You (or the landlord more strictly) would normally be expected (legally) to make a reasonable effort to find replacement tenants.  But you can't do that unless B tells you and the landlord formally that they're leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If B just wants to bail (and forget you, A, the landlord and the bills) then to a certain extent you can't do much about this.  You could in theory pursue this to small claims but that's rarely practical.  Ever see Judge Judy. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From personal experience I would suggest you say a big thanks to A and hope for something but expect nothing from B and plan for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2018-05-11T22:52:58.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14391" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-11T23:26:38.497" Score="1" ViewCount="296" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background:&#xA;I currently work at a small I.T company that I have been at for 1.5 years. When I started there was about 30 staff. It was founded by 2 guys a couple years before then.&#xA;The founders of the company retired early (in their mid 40's) about a year ago, and the company is still doing really well. We have over 60 staff now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I heard through the grape vine that the 2 founders who &quot;retired&quot; did take some time off work, but have since started their own company again. There was also another guy from my place who have left, and rumours around the office say this guy left the company to work for the 2 original founders again on their new business. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I got on really well with one of the founders. &#xA;I have his personal email address and want to ask him for a job, but I dont know how.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to ask if the rumours are true that he does have a new business - and if he would consider me for a new position. I'm also looking to move from a developer to a project manager but I'm happy to try new roles. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: How can I email him and ask him these things and ask him to consider me for a position?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9308" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T01:27:44.720" Title="How to ask my old boss who started his own company for a job" Tags="&lt;jobs&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14377" CreationDate="2018-05-12T02:16:46.453" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not made out of glass and it is not this person's place to be offended on my behalf. Frankly, I find it insulting, as it is treating me like I'm a child. I am well capable of handling anything that is actually rude and or abusive and don't need a savior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This quote from your question is an excellent response to the person, only modified as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not made out of glass and it is not your place to be offended on my behalf. Frankly, I find it insulting, as it is treating me like I'm a child. I am well capable of handling anything that is actually rude and or abusive and don't need a savior.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17744" LastActivityDate="2018-05-12T02:16:46.453" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14393" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14339" CreationDate="2018-05-12T05:06:23.377" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Office hours, as you describe it, means free extra tutoring. There probably are students that do that function at your school, some for free. It really depends on the subject, class structure, and workload; along with the individuals involved - there's really no generic answer than to say: assess and politely ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might inquire if it's acceptable to ask if particular portions can be covered slower, or in more depth, but you should appreciate that there's a certain amount of material to be digested within a certain amount of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking for homework that will improve your understanding of the material is a good first step, so is asking some of the other students what they think of the workload - if everyone's in agreement that everything is covered too rapidly then there's a real problem, if only you have difficulty you should accept that you bit off more than you can chew, and take an easier class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where I went some classes you could ask and some you had best not ask, better to wait for the next section and ask the next instructor or take some books out at the library.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understand that at some point there will be an assessment and you will have to be at a particular point of completion, if you're behind and your marks are low you really will get some office time, and a warning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being polite and upfront is likely to pay off better than hiding in the back in silence. They might think that it's a &lt;em&gt;required&lt;/em&gt; course that you must take simply to get prerequisites for another, as long as you barely make it you could care less; teachers don't have a lot of time or appreciation for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been back to school a few times. It changes over the years, subject, person, even by the makeup of the class, or faculty problems with the middle layers of bureaucracy, it depends - just ask your friends first and ask for extra homework. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that they don't want a lot of extra work if you're not really interested or plan on withdrawing. You should also appreciate that depending on the country the professor might need to hold down a second job to makeup the equivalent to what they earned outside of academia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With such a tiny class there ought to be some extra time available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes you simply have to go to a better school. If this course is not popular (only 4 students) and only one instructor teachers it I'd be concerned about the demand for this skill once you leave, is the &lt;em&gt;paper&lt;/em&gt; going to be worth anything to potential employers, or is it something you're especially keen to understand. Effort in will hopefully provide the desired results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-05-12T05:06:23.377" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-12T09:47:38.790" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try to go beyond the level of expectations (you expect them to be excited about your choice, they expect something else) and try to reach the level of connections. First, calm down and let yourself feel how much they mean to you. They have helped you become someone who persevered in the face of rejection. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, consciously holding on to that feeling of love and gratefulness, ask them what worries them. Are they afraid of losing contact with you? Are they worried about how you will cope? Don't start arguing or defending yourself, just keep on feeling your connection to them and listen. Acknowledge that you have weak and strong points and acknowledge that living and studying so far away may be harder than you can imagine. But also assure them that you are learning to find solutions and that you want their support as you grow into your future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forging your own way while keeping connected to the people around you is one of the most important skills you'll ever learn. See this as a good opportunity to practice this skill with people who, more than anyone in this world, have your best interest at heart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8908" LastActivityDate="2018-05-12T09:47:38.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-12T12:05:29.613" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you your parents' last child to leave home? If so, please keep in mind what a big change it is for them. They've given a couple of decades of their lives to parenting, and now that work is coming to an end. To overstate it, your star is rising and theirs is setting. It's possible they don't disapprove of your plans, but just don't want you to move far away. Be gentle with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11382" LastActivityDate="2018-05-12T12:05:29.613" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14398" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14391" CreationDate="2018-05-12T16:23:07.600" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd start by asking for a &lt;strong&gt;reference&lt;/strong&gt;.  Contact old boss and say,  &quot;I'm thinking about re-entering the job market.   I really enjoyed working for you.   Could I ask you for a reference?&quot; That will restart the communication and let them know you are looking.   then, after about 2 weeks,  get back in touch. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something like,  &quot;I'm still looking and wondered if you had anything open.  As you might recall,  I did [x] when we worked together; since then I've learned to do [y].&quot;  If they don't have anything,  you still have a reference.  You didn't start the conversation by asking for a job; you asked for a small favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-12T16:23:07.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14339" CreationDate="2018-05-12T19:22:44.340" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can explain anything to the people provided you really want them&#xA;  to understand. -&lt;em&gt;The Wretched of the Earth&lt;/em&gt;, Frantz Fanon&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Fundamental facts relevant to &lt;em&gt;knowledge&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;wisdom&lt;/em&gt;, and &lt;em&gt;understanding&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The instructor (or any environment) can only provide knowledge (raw data) of a particular subject matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your have recognized that your wisdom (facts relevant to acquired and retained raw data) of the subject matter ceased to progress as of two weeks ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are no guarantees that any individual will acquire general or specific understanding (ability to independently apply acquired and retained facts for practical purposes) of any subject matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Decide what your goal of taking the course is&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If your goal for taking the course is to simply pass the course, ask the instructor what the requirement is for passing the course. (The requirement for passing the course might not be understanding of the subject matter. Recitation of the subject matter as dictated by the instructor might suffice to pass the course.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If your goal is to continue acquiring wisdom of the subject matter, you cannot rely on a single source of instruction. (The instruction could be flawed, incomplete or patently false.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If your goal is for understanding of the subject matter, that is your responsibility alone. Neither the instructor nor the institution can determine your own capacity for application of a subject matter outside of the confines of the instructors supervision or the institutions' purview or mandate. (A degree is a piece of paper, and cannot verify actual understanding of anything.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If your goal is to pass the course, ask the professor directly what is required to pass the course&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is irrelevant if your instructor becomes &quot;upset&quot; with you. The most important aspect of your inquiry is what your &lt;em&gt;goal&lt;/em&gt; is for attending the class in the first instance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, your family, or some entity is &lt;em&gt;paying&lt;/em&gt; for your education.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your instructor is failing to provide your with education, due to any reason, then state precisely to the instructor. Place the onus on the instructor to modify their approach. You do not need to ask for a specific remedy - allow the instructor to provide the remedy for your failure to understand the course material over the previous two weeks. It is the instructor whom is supposedly teaching the course, not you. It is the instructors' professional responsibility to put forth greater effort to instruct you if their present approach has failed to provide you with the education required by them to pass their course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the instructor does not adjust their approach - as to your statement relaying your received education as of the present date - then you can take steps to change your instructor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If your goal is to continue to attempting to gather wisdom as to the subject matter&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must do this for yourself; irrespective of any syllabus, instruction style of an instructor or institution, or passing or failing grade issued by an instructor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If your goal is for understanding of the subject matter&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only you can verify your understanding of a subject matter by your application of knowledge and wisdom as to that subject matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible that you can spontaneously acquire understanding of a subject matter beyond the knowledge and wisdom of an instructor. Simply stating that you have understanding of a subject matter is not adequate. You must be able to &lt;em&gt;apply&lt;/em&gt; your knowledge and wisdom in a given environment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, since your inquiry is based on receiving instruction from your professor, that professor cannot adjust their approach as to your individual instruction if you do not advise them - directly - of their lack of delivering education &lt;em&gt;to you&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is incumbent upon the instructor and the institution as a whole to provide you with adequate instruction and training. It is not the instructor whom you should consider being &quot;upset&quot;, but the question is whether or not you are &quot;upset&quot; that the instructor has failed to provide you with clear knowledge and wisdom of the subject matter to foster your ability to understand the course material.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone already has paid or is paying for your education; you do not owe them anything but your attention; make them earn their payment for your education. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9673" LastActivityDate="2018-05-12T19:22:44.340" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3761" CreationDate="2018-05-12T20:59:20.467" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you are overthinking this quite a lot. If you close your door, normally people can figure that you don't want to be social. If these new roommates don't realize that's what the signal means, simply tell them you're busy when they ask you to come out and they will figure things out eventually. Please do not be passive aggressive in the above answer suggests:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You, holding up book and not making eye contact: Sorry, I'm in my book cave, ask me later.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be nice and pleasant and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;oh sorry, I really want to try and get through this book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one in their right mind is going to keep asking you to hang out if every time they ask you, you tell them you are busy. They will eventually get the hint, get some new friends, etc... You are totally within your rights to not be best friends with your roommates, some people want that, some people don't. Whenever I move to a new place, I always try to ask how often the housemates hang out. It's important to know whether the house is more business-like or more of a family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this stays a persistent problem, there's nothing wrong with just telling them outright that you really appreciate them inviting you to do things, but you get a little annoyed by how often they interrupt you when you're in your room or something along those lines, then continue on as if nothing happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8374" LastActivityDate="2018-05-12T20:59:20.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-13T00:04:32.517" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe your parents, especially if you're the youngest or the last to move out, are having a difficult time dealing with their emotions regarding your leaving and going so far away. Some people who have a difficult time communicating how they feel will make fun of the thing that is causing those emotions in an effort to draw their own attention away from it. If you are the youngest, they probably wouldn't have acted that way with older siblings because they still had children (you) that weren't leaving the nest anytime soon. They would gladly prolong dealing with the sadness they might be feeling until they absolutely had to. I hope that helps in some way. Congratulations on your achievement and best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17762" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T00:04:32.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14391" CreationDate="2018-05-13T01:27:44.720" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I email him and ask him these things and ask him to consider me for a position?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure that I'd try to put this in an email at all.  This is the kind of thing that you'd want to ask in a phone call or in-person.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I take it that you have an email address but not a phone number.  So I might say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [his name],&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I heard a rumor that you had started a new company.  That sounds interesting and I'd like to hear more.  Please share.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  [Your name]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless he blows you off entirely, he'll tell you at least the name of the new business.  That should be enough to get the phone number if he doesn't give you that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have any career questions, you might also ask them here, e.g. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've been thinking of moving from developer to project manager.  Do you have any suggestions?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also might share an anecdote with him.  If your old conversations included things like &quot;And did you hear what Jack did?  He ...&quot; then it might be appropriate to include something similar.  Or to tell him something that you did at work, assuming it is not confidential for some reason.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also offer to buy him lunch to catch up.  You offer to buy so that he doesn't feel like you're welshing food from him.  If he wants to buy instead, that's fine.  But the idea is to suggest that you value talking to him enough to pay for his meal.  Realize that this may actually involve you paying for the meal.  Perhaps he's looking for proof.  Or maybe he's cheap and likes the idea of free food.  Either way, you get your in-person meeting for a relatively nominal cost.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to suggest a location so that you can control the cost somewhat.  Unless you know he loves fast food, I'd look for a decent sit-down restaurant.  If he counters with something too expensive, you can tell him so, &quot;That's too rich for me.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, either a phone call or an in-person meeting (like lunch) would allow you to say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really enjoyed working for you last time.  Do you think there's a place in your new company for me?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest asking questions about the company first, e.g. what it does, etc.  That makes it seem like you are interested in the company and not just interested in leaving your current job.  If he asks why you are interested, you should have an answer ready.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of the reason to ask on the phone or preferably in person is that you should get immediate feedback on how he feels about it.  Is he enthusiastic?  Reluctant?  Unsure?  He can simply not reply to an email.  If you're already in the midst of a conversation, it's hard to just hang up the phone or leave lunch.  He'll pretty much have to say something.  And even a firm no is useful information for your career planning.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also may offer unprompted in response to the email or in the conversation later.  But if he doesn't, I see no problem with explicitly asking.  Then you'll get an explicit response and not be left hanging.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As people have suggested in the comments, not explicitly asking avoids the danger that he will tell your current employer that you are unhappy.  As they noted, that may have career implications that would be better explored on &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;The Workplace.SE&lt;/a&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my advice in terms of dealing with him if you aren't worried about issues with your current employer.  The idea being that he should still think well of you at the end of your interaction whether he hires you or not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T01:27:44.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14408" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-13T03:49:24.303" Score="-2" ViewCount="511" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was at a party and someone said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“if you had kids with a white girl, they’d look like [the guy next to me]”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... along with “you two have similar mannerisms.” It didn’t sound mean-spirited in tone, but it peeved me nonetheless and I’m not sure why I’m still thinking about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though it’s unlikely the remark would happen again, I wanted to retort but never found the right words, but I didn’t ask about it at the time and it would seem odd to bring it up again in the future. I was left wondering what in retrospect could I have said or retorted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I politely ask to understand her motivation for saying that?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4886" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T05:17:51.880" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T05:17:51.880" Title="How should I construct an inquiry to clarify dubious comment about my appearance?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-13T13:45:02.233" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14408" CreationDate="2018-05-13T05:03:29.180" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first phrase that came to my mind reading this was, &lt;a href=&quot;https://captainawkward.com/2013/11/19/520-dealing-with-chatty-racist-strangers/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Wow.&quot;&lt;/a&gt; That's usually an easy one to say, even if you don't pursue it any further; it expresses that the comment was unexpected and not taken well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My guess is that the person does not think about race much, and she doesn't think about it as being a sensitive topic anymore. Clearly (in her own mind) she's implying she's cool with interracial marriage, so she's on the correct side of everything, so it shouldn't be offensive for her to simultaneously comment on strangers' looks, procreative capabilities, and perceived race, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or she may be an aspiring stand-up comic, or... the world may never know. But &quot;Wow.&quot; is a low effort way to respond, possibly followed by engaging in a conversation about this, changing the subject, or walking away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Source: I have been this person who makes weird comments/bad jokes, and I still wince thinking about many of them. (Only occasionally have my comments involved race or similarly sensitive issues, though those are usually the ones I misjudged the most.) I have greatly preferred getting a sense that I erred then, so I can do an awkward apology in real time, rather than just realizing it much later.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13415" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T05:03:29.180" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14412" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13928" CreationDate="2018-05-13T09:28:17.350" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It won't hurt people knowing and respecting you for having you own life, things to do, friends to do, needs and problems too. I would keep in mind you are not their only way of doing things, and that your problems should come first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even more, if people are asking a &lt;em&gt;favour&lt;/em&gt; for free, they ought to show respect about your own allotted time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would answer honestly as in: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sorry, you are asking this in a complicated week near the exams. I am myself having a very busy week and do not have the time;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I might have the time in the next couple of days, having also to study/deliver a paper/...., however I would not mind give you some pointers over a coffee;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not have the time, however I have got some PDFs that I found about the theme;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am sorry, this weekend I have to visit my folks. Can it wait for Tuesday, or a 10 minute talk is enough for giving you some clues how to pick it up yourself?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also have to draw a line between genuinely helping other people or doing their tasks for them for free. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not mind losing a few &quot;friends&quot; that are there only friends because/while they do need me at a particular time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would however, be there for long time friends that proved to be true friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have to add, I would advise developing diplomatic skills and looking out for your own interests. Learning to say no is an acquired skill, and very valuable in life. Those requests wont stop after you leave the academic world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. I personally helped a couple of friends, and mentored people over the years. I usually cut ties when I perceive I am being taken advantage of, or with very lazy people. I help my true friends, and have mentored people that seems genuine and interested in learning. Yes, over the years people have taken advantage of me. It is a learning process balancing being nice and avoiding being taken for granted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS2. As someone in whose culture it is acceptable to say a justified no, often even too much, I would comment I find the greater weaknesses as professionals of some cultures where saying no is tabu, is saying yes to impossible tasks or project schedules. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-05-13T09:38:27.560" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T09:38:27.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14413" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-13T12:57:58.343" Score="0" ViewCount="955" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 24 years old (woman), pursuing my master's degree, with 2 part-time jobs and in a relationship since 1 year ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I was a child my mom has been controlling me, I have never thought that was a problem until my last teenager years (17-19) when I found I had to think as she does in every facet of my life. To be honest, I started to do unconsciously that in my childhood to the point I hadn't my own opinion in anything, I just said what my mom did. Even I felt guilty of thoughts I had but my mom wouldn't. So I repressed my own feelings and thoughts because that could make her feel bad or angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has always made me feel bad and insecure: I was too thin, I am too fat. Apparently she likes to humiliate me and my brother about whatever, and her pretext is that she wants the best for us. She thinks she is always right, and that when she isn't she says we should act as she is right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I started to date with guys she went crazy, she cried in order to make sure I break up with every boyfriend I had because I was abandoning her. Since I always try to be pleasant with my mom, I attended to all her requirements, so the longest period I have been with a guy was 4 months, and every time I have been with someone has been the worst of my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having feelings for someone is seen as a shame. So I can't tell her if I am in love with someone because she is going to embarrass me and laught.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;Now, I found a guy I am in love with. But since I started dating him, she has started to make all the drama, but now it's even worse. She takes my phone and she refuses to give my phone back until hours later. She did that when I was a teen, I understood I was an under age but I am 24 now. I bought that phone with the money I make. Also she has started to punish me without going out because of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not doing the dishes as she wants: first I should clean the cutlery and then the rest.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Forgetting to put the iron in its place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And so on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could have done something 'bad' 3 days ago, but until the same day I am going to see my boyfriend she doesn't punish me. And since my boyfriend lives far and we can see each other once a week, I have to call him to cancel our plans. There is no way I can disobey her because if I have the idea of going out anyway, I won't live at home anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She doesn't allow me to have sex. She thinks I don't know what birth control is, I am going to get pregnant and I don't know how to have sex (she laughs everytime she says that). I would like to tell her I am not a virgin but I don't want to take the risk. Everytime I wax my body she gets angry and starts asking me why I do that. Also she says I am a tissue so when my boyfriend have sex with me (a virgin) for the first time, he would leave me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She says I have got the jobs because of her therefore the money I make is hers. I am inferior to her and her property, as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't make enough money to move out. So it's not an option. What I am doing is spend the less and less time with her, and when I do I try to tell her I am an adult, but 'I live in her house, so I have to obey her rules'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S: Sorry if my English is not good enough and if I have some grammatical mistakes or the text is not clearly defined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17768" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-05-13T17:33:51.663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T17:33:51.663" Title="How can I deal with my toxic mother?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-05-13T18:31:50.903" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14413" CreationDate="2018-05-13T15:05:23.923" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are going to have to prioritize what matters most.  Right now, it sounds as though your relationship with your mother is stunting your development as an adult.  In my experience (I'm 48 years old and have seen a lot), you are going to have to put your studies on hold and move out.  And NOT with your boyfirend, in my opinion, because that would make your freedom dependent on somebody else -- which is exactly the problem you face now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Can't move out&quot;?  Oh YES YOU CAN!  You will find a way to make it work.  You have a Bachelor's in something -- you are employable.  If nothing else, you can manage a restaurant.  I washed a lot of dishes when I was younger, and all the restaurant managers seemed to be people on hiatus from studies, with 4 or 6 years down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make yourself a plan to get to the end of the semester.  And a plan that goes three months out, 6 months out, and a year out.  It's okay, if these things don't happen the way you plan -- you just need a plan to get you going.  You will adjust as necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may not sound like an &quot;InterPersonal Skills&quot; answer, but the foundation of your relationship with your mom is not good.  In my opinion, you will have to break contact, grow into yourself, and then re-engage on your terms.  Be polite and firm when you can -- be firm regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user15836" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T15:05:23.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14413" CreationDate="2018-05-13T15:14:14.183" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Warning, I'm going to be a bit harsh. The suggestions are suggestions, and your life might hell if you follow them without being &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; careful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Adults pay, and accept &lt;em&gt;rent&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;You are living at your parents house, so it's not inconceivable for you to pay rent. By Rent, I mean a set amount of money each month in order to cover some expenses in wear, heating, water etc. That is what adults do. If you haven't yet discussed what your rent should be, you should do that as soon as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discussing that you want to pay &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; as if you were the adult that you actually are, is a first step towards her accepting you as an adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Adults respect other adults possessions&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;How are you paid for your work? It greatly disturbs me that she does not respect that you are actually working. A job is not a contract where one person get paid for doing nothing - a job is an exchange of knowledge/work/abillty for money. And while she might have landed you that job, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are the one putting raw material (knowledge/muscle power/whatever) into that machine (the job).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would withhold my money if she does not accept a proper payment of rent, until you both have discussed both of your boundaries. I would hide any valuables she would hide/destroy in beforehand if it comes down to that, because that will not look pretty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Adults have cut their &quot;umbillical cords&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Is it possible for you to move in with your boyfriend?&#xA;I would, based on my own experiences, strongly advice &lt;em&gt;against&lt;/em&gt; doing that.&#xA;However, it could be a baseline for further discussions. &#xA;Either she stop treating you as a kid, or you'll take the only option that you have. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be clear on that you would love to stay at home, but that you cannot work/study under that kind of drama. Suggest compromises. This is not about you getting your will through, it's about being able to start your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have any friends at your university/college? &#xA;Being able to more or less temporarily move out could help calming things down, and show her that you are the adult that you are trying to tell that you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ultimately, your mother is also a human being&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;On a softer note, it could be valuable to try to talk to her as if she was a human being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, she have probably done a lot of mistakes during her life. And now she do not want you to make the same mistakes, but it comes out in a really low, toxic demeanour. She have probably gotten help before getting to where she is now - just like you got help getting the job that you have. She have lost her virginity at one point - and she does your first experience with sex to be as good as it can be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A slight hinge on that, though&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;All that I wrote above would be completely in vain if your mother isn't empathic in nature. &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Narcissistic personality disorder&lt;/a&gt; is just one of several disorders that makes the patient become unempathic. This kind of people are &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; difficult to get well treated by. Even if it's impossible, it could very well be less impossible to just &lt;em&gt;get away&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I don't really now where you live, I cannot help you with any resources, but there is probably more than one line you can call in order to get help how to act towards people like that, even if you aren't sure if she fits the bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All I can say is, good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17537" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T15:14:14.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-13T15:39:24.180" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't stop people from asking &quot;why&quot;. (Maybe you could have asked &quot;How can I stop people asking me&quot;). So the question is: How do you avoid having to explain your reasons when you're asked to explain your reasons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to explain your reasons because you feel an obligation to explain when you are asked. (Hypothetically, in a country other than the UK a registry officer might ask you, and you might have a legal obligation to answer, but not in the UK). So the first step is that you remove that obligation from your mind. My curiosity about your decision doesn't create an obligation for you to satisfy my curiousity. You are allowed to not give your reasons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best way to answer? A polite refusal, or a polite answer without any information would be asked for. The polite answer without any information seems better to me. Examples: &quot;Because that's what I wanted&quot;. &quot;Because that's what my husband and I agreed on&quot;. &quot;I had my reasons&quot;. &quot;I had good reasons&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist, which would be a bit rude, you can answer for example &quot;Because that's what I wanted, and that is all you need to know&quot;. Which is still &lt;em&gt;reasonably&lt;/em&gt; friendly, and indicates clearly that you are not going to give your reasons, and that you don't want a repeat of the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't suggest &quot;Why not&quot; because that will start a discussion, which you don't want. And I wouldn't suggest lying, because you don't want to give any explanation, whether true or untrue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. It's interesting how many people agree that it's perfectly fine and that you can have good reasons to keep your name, when you asked how to not have to explain those reasons. PPS. I knew one young lady, whose first name combined with the future husbands last name formed a ridiculous combination. Imagine Mr Jonathan Lee marrying Miss Lee Miller. You wouldn't want to be called Mrs. Lee Lee. Or Mr. Sam Smith marrying Miss Sam Jones. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-05-13T15:49:09.183" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T15:49:09.183" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14105" CreationDate="2018-05-13T16:26:46.057" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't celebrate the anniversary of my birth in May. I know that's what's on the paperwork, but I like to celebrate [specific October date that you won't be changing again]. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people celebrate their name-day, others their &quot;gotcha&quot; day - the anniversary of an adoption - and so on. It's probably best if you don't get into &quot;my real birthday&quot; and instead focus on wanting to celebrate on Oct 20th or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T16:26:46.057" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14420" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14105" CreationDate="2018-05-13T16:53:43.517" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandfather actually faced a similar issue: He was born in Lithuania in the 1930s. Between the Nazis and the Soviets, and half the family getting killed in WWII, while the rest of the family scattered to the winds (none remained in Lithuania and survived), the documents of his birth got lost. His mother picked a random date for his birth, in March. It was not until the collapse of the USSR that my grandfather was able to gain access to synagogue records in the town where he was born, and find out his real birthday, in October. &lt;strong&gt;At which point he went and told everyone. Everyone was curious, supportive, and we're very happy to celebrate two birthdays.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm getting at is, don't be afraid to tell people. You can be as open as you want - tell everything, or just state that you celebrate on your date of choice. (People are likely to ask why, but you can just say &quot;long story&quot; if you're not comfortable sharing. In fact, unless someone is close to you, &quot;long story&quot; is what they'd probably be more comfortable hearing.) Most people are not mean - there's no reason to assume anyone will troll you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T16:53:43.517" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14421" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14423" CreationDate="2018-05-13T16:54:24.567" Score="1" ViewCount="163" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm into web development and due to my work situation I had a lot of free time on my hands. I had been helping people with their personal projects on a volunteer basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently got a full time job (and I may still need to work my old one part time, temporarily) and I'm not sure I'll have much time. Furthermore, I know some people asking for my help can sort of not really know what they want (for example someone just asked me for help with SEO and now wants to meet for coffee to give me the details and frankly I get the impression he might not even know what SEO is). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely decline such requests? How can I gauge what the person wants if there not very technical and might not understand what they are talking about? How can I make it clear I may have to abandon the project at any point? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm volunteering with another group and offered to update their website. This seems to have been a misunderstanding because to them update means add totally new features when I meant simply update text and pictures. They have trouble understanding sometimes complex CSS is required to get overlapping pictures that can resize to any screen etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All these people I care a lot about and don't want to go back on my word/offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17773" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T20:28:09.750" Title="Declining helping with a (personal) project" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-05-14T04:23:21.177" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14422" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-13T17:49:10.567" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two aspects to this question that it would be helpful for you to differentiate.  (I don't mean in the usual stack exchange sense of posting as separate questions; I mean it would aid your handling of the situation to recognize these two distinct aspects.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One is your parents' acceptance of your choice of university.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other is your parents' response to an important achievement in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would also help &lt;em&gt;your parents&lt;/em&gt; if they were to keep these two factors separate.  If they want their concerns to be really considered by you, they would do better not to bring up those concerns in the exact moment when they should be congratulating you on what is a great achievement &lt;strong&gt;for you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you could have that initial conversation over again, I would suggest responding something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, I get it you have arguments against it.  Try talking to me about that later, but right now that is just &lt;em&gt;terrible&lt;/em&gt; timing, unless you are intentionally trying to &quot;rain on my parade.&quot;  I've worked really hard to get this acceptance and I'm really happy about it!  The least you could do is congratulate me, just because I'm happy about it, even if you want to try later to persuade me to go elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same kernel of an idea may still help regardless of when you bring it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Rather than trying to convince them this is the right university for you, first just pursue an acknowledgement from them of your achievement in gaining acceptance.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; about improving their good handling of communication, which includes acknowledging originations made to one.  It has other benefits:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In acknowledging the achievement, they will also &lt;em&gt;recognize&lt;/em&gt; the achievement and may understand better how much it means to you.  For them, the action of simply communicating their congratulations will likely get this point home to them better than anything &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; might say to persuade them of it.  In other words, it does not have to be the case that they recognize the achievement &lt;em&gt;and therefore&lt;/em&gt; acknowledge it; it could happen that they are persuaded to &lt;em&gt;acknowledge&lt;/em&gt; your achievement simply in order to handle communication better, and then due to that acknowledgement they realize that it really &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an achievement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And on the other side of the coin, when you've been acknowledged for your achievement by them, you will be more willing to listen to any concerns they &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; still have about your choice of school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everybody wins.  Understanding &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be achieved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And by the way, well done on getting accepted to your target university!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1919" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T17:49:10.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14421" CreationDate="2018-05-13T20:28:09.750" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a simple solution to your situation.&#xA;Create an off the top of your head estimate about the amount of work involved, double it, work out the cost of a normal developer doing the work and quote the time and cost involved.  Then tell them how much time you currently have free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them you would love to help, but you have only 2 hours free in the next week, so apart from giving them pointers how to achieve their objectives, that is all you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These pointers is what they really need, and either they can learn themselves how to amend their site, or wait till they find someone who can do the work.  Unfortunately the more you devalue the work you do, and give them more than they expect, the worse you make their desire for more.  I continually do this myself, because I enjoy the problem solving, but often attempt much more than I should.  Also many people push themselves further than they should, when the people asking for help have no clue how complicated the solutions can quickly become.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T20:28:09.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14424" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-13T20:42:35.930" Score="4" ViewCount="2189" Body="&lt;p&gt;I currently live with 3 roommates. Two of them joined last year and the other one has lived with me for 4 years. The problem is that I don't feel really comfortable living with them anymore and I want to move out. It's really difficult to me to tell them what's going on because I am very shy and they are not my friends at all. Well, the one who lived with me for 4 years is actually my friend but the relationship is not as good as it was because of the new roommates. How should I tell them that I want to move out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17776" LastEditorUserId="2181" LastEditDate="2019-07-11T14:54:25.003" LastActivityDate="2019-07-11T14:54:25.003" Title="How can I tell my roommates I don't want to live with them anymore" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14424" CreationDate="2018-05-13T21:46:08.867" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience (several years of leaving with other students in different houses), people moving out isn't really a big deal. Just explain several weeks beforehand (so paperwork can be taken care of) that you're doing so. A simple reason like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like some more room for myself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is both true and doesn't pressure people into feeling attacked. It also allows people to do something nice for you when you leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have noticed people appreciate some sort of moment to say goodbye. A simple dinner at home or a couple drinks allow this. It is always better not to burn your bridges if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17779" LastEditorUserId="17779" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T20:52:36.733" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T20:52:36.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14426" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14078" CreationDate="2018-05-13T22:16:22.797" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn't what you want to hear, but your girlfriend is allowed to make her own choices about who she spends time with, and whether or how she wants to address the way they talk about men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;All you can really do is tell her how the things her friends say make you feel.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then it's up to her to decide what, if anything, she wants to do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to convince, or emotionally manipulate her, into being your proxy, if she doesn't choose to speak up, is... Well, kinda messed up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the context of fighting misandrist views, it would be wise to be very aware of how you behave and how hard you push your girlfriend to say or do something about it. Telling her that she &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; say something, or telling her that she &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; do something, or telling her that she &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; stop hanging out with her friends could very easily be seen as rather misogynist and end up reinforcing the negative things that her friends are saying... Telling your girlfriend what to say,  or how to feel about something, would seem to cross some lines that you probably shouldn't cross. Not saying that's what you're already doing, just saying that it's a pitfall to be very aware of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your best option is probably to speak for yourself when you hear things that you object to. Be your own advocate, if others think you have a worthy point they may even follow suit.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, be careful about how you approach. Chances are pretty good that they've already heard your point of view at great length, over and over again. Try not to speak in generalities, but rather talk about how you feel when they say things that you personally object to. Try to be aware that they feel justified in &quot;punching up&quot; it may be easier to ask that they refrain from saying those things around you, than to ask them to refrain from saying them at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find that kind of offensive, would you mind not saying that around me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making the argument that the misandrist things they say are equal to the misogynist things that some men say, isn't likely to go over well at all. There's a difference between punching up and punching down, be aware of this. (Even if you don't believe this, they likely do, so it's worth remembering)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-05-13T22:16:22.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11352" CreationDate="2018-05-13T22:59:57.663" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people may have interesting emotions around food, especially when being exposed to an environment where consumption is viewed as an entitlement rather than a gift and a privilege.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please, if you can, give your female relative the freedom to express her issues, and just try not to take it personally. She cannot help herself, unfortunately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not saying that you should let her verbally or emotionally abuse you. Just that, if her behavior is difficult for your to be with, then your choices are to forgive her or not be with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17780" LastEditorUserId="345" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T04:23:45.647" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T04:23:45.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14430" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-13T23:02:15.550" Score="9" ViewCount="1855" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have spoken to my mother once in the past 8 months. She has done things which were disrespectful to my fiancee and her family, and she holds views which I feel are morally reprehensible. I want to be able to have a relationship with my mother, but I also want to stand up to the things that she says and does which I feel are wrong. I don't know how to balance these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I have a relationship with my mother when I stand in moral opposition to what she believes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Details&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll try to divide this into a few sections, but it is mostly chronological.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Boundaries&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother and I have had a complicated relationship. I moved home after college and started a master's program nearby. At that time I lived in her house and drove her car, she was supporting me. We did a lot of things together, including regularly rock climbing, going out to breweries and trying different foods. My parents are divorced (my dad cheated), and I feel that my mother came to treat me as a sort of partner, fulfilling that sort of emotional role in her life. Although to external observers, our relationship looked good (I would often get comments about how cool she was or that it we seemed to have a great relationship), there were issues of boundaries and communication. I wound up being essentially her chauffeur because she didn't renew her driver's license (no one understands why ultimately). My mother has a very dominant personality and I do not. I avoid confrontation. Many of these boundary issues were therefore my own fault for not dealing with them sooner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My relationship&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In 2016 I started dating a Muslim girl, and my mom treated her and her family rather suspiciously. Nothing extremely overt initially, but she started expressing occasionally her dislike of Islam, that she thinks Muhammad was a pedophile, that she thinks that halal slaughter is inhumane, that Muslim women who wear the headscarf are oppressed. I had been pretty much single for my entire life up to then, I had not had any serious relationships. My mother would call while we were on dates, or be constantly texting me to get my attention, she would get angry that I was coming home late or not informing her of where I was or what I was doing, she referred to my then-girlfriend as &amp;quot;that girl&amp;quot;. She can be quite passive aggressive as well, not directly communicating what she is feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Racism&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother over the past few years has become more and more right-leaning conservative. While she used to be relatively centrist politically, being pretty socially liberal while being economically conservative, in the past few years her politics have veered decidedly towards the racist (she is white). In the past years I have heard her say things such as Black Lives Matter is an anti-white hate group or that Michelle Obama is racist against white people. She is strongly against any sort of affirmative action types of programs which benefit minorities because she feels that this means treating them &amp;quot;differently&amp;quot; than white people. Roughly speaking, she thinks that racism only means the in-your-face blatant racism, and doesn't believe that there is such thing as systemic racism, she thinks that minorities who speak out about racism are complainers who want to be treated different than everyone else, etc. When the movie &amp;quot;Hidden Figures&amp;quot; came out, she lamented (without having seen it) &amp;quot;I'm so tired of all these white guilt movies.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Islam and Donald Trump&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided to convert to Islam in January 2017. I have been spiritual and religious for many years although no one in my family is and I never discuss it with them. I felt attracted to the path and I decided to convert. This didn't cause any major changes in my life at that time, my religion and spirituality are very personal and I don't share them with others much or discuss them openly. So it's not like I changed at all who I was around my mom or how I acted. However around this same time, my girlfriend discovered that my mom was on Twitter, and she was posting as much as ten times a day all sorts of Islamophobic, anti-Islam, anti-Sharia law, anti-hijab, etc etc sorts of things. She also started posting more anti-immigrant things and around this time came out in strong support of then-candidate Donald Trump. I personally strongly oppose Trump and everything he stands for, I have a very humanitarian view of politics, I identify as a &amp;quot;radical&amp;quot; leftist (I voted for Bernie but I am much more left than his platform, I am anti-war, I strongly criticize the US for its military and clandestine actions which have led to the deaths of millions of people around the world, I am anti-Capitalist, anti-Imperialist, and anti-Colonialist, I am not exactly a Marxist but I agree with Marx's assessment of capitalism, I'm a big fan of Noam Chomsky, etc etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Confrontation and moving out&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shortly after discovering my mom's Twitter, I confronted her about it, she defended herself, and I moved out. She accused me of abandoning her. We hardly spoke. I got engaged. My mom had always refused to meet my fiancee's parents, who are rather socially conservative Muslims who do not support dating before marriage etc (they don't know that we were dating but my mom of course did, my mom didn't like this because &amp;quot;this is America and in America we date and they need to assimilate to our culture.&amp;quot; Not in those exact words but that was the gist of it), but about six months after moving out, last September, my mom called my fiancee's mother (having never spoken before) and apparently went on a tirade about how I was abandoning her, accusing my fiancee of stealing me from her, and various other things. I sent my mother an email outlining how I felt about what she had done and I stopped talking to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Last contact, failure to address the issues&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I called my mother about two or three months ago simply to ask her whether or not she supported my fiancee and I. She picked up the phone and immediately started talking as if everything were fine and we had just spoken the day before, when we hadn't spoken for six months and the last thing she had said in reply to my email was not to contact her. I was quiet, and after she was done I said very calmly but directly that I had just called to ask her if she supported us getting married. She said, very seriously then, that she never had any problem with my fiancee but she doesn't support &amp;quot;the way you treat your family&amp;quot;. My relationship to the rest of my family has not substantially changed, so really she means the way that I treated her. I said okay and then she immediately went back to being pleasant and started asking about something else. I told her I had to go and she got angry and hung up on me. Her behavior clearly indicates she does not want to confront the problems and wants to ignore them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Present Day&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to the present day. My family wants me to make up with my mom. They say I should just put politics aside, we should accept our differences, but we're family and need to have a relationship. They want me to just make things right, and none of them have pushed back against my mother in this, they all excuse her actions and no one has called her out for any of it, which is why I moved out in the first place. I couldn't support what she was saying online or how she treated my fiancee and her family. She has since made a new Twitter account and as far as I can tell she is even more of a Trump supporter than before, she repeats everything he and his administration say pretty much, calling the Mueller investigation a witch hunt, praising the withdrawal from the Iran deal, pushing for the removal of illegal immigrants, etc. She shares memes which compare Trump to Obama and praise Trump for undoing Obama's legacy. I have even seen her make fun of trans people, which was shocking to me. The particularly sad thing is that my mother is a very well-educated person who has an extensive library and is very well read. Yet she does not critically examine any of the things she is saying or even bother checking whether they are even true. I accept people can be Donald Trump supporters, I recognize that many people disagree with me and that's fine. But what my mother is supporting goes beyond just Trump. She has become more and more nationalist, xenophobic, and racist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Conclusion&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is all very disheartening to me. I stand against everything she stands for. I am diametrically opposed to her political position. But this is also about more than politics. I am not willing to just ignore our differences on political opinions, because I believe that she is supporting racism, bigotry, and oppression of minorities. I believe she is supporting an administration which is causing the deaths of innocent civilians overseas, which is likely pushing the world towards war with Iran, which supports Israel despite the plight of the Palestinian people, which refuels Saudi bombers as they commit what amounts to genocide in Yemen, and more. To me this is a matter of morality. And more than just those things, I feel she was disrespectful to my fiancee and her family, and I want her to apologize for the things she did and said. I want to be able to have a relationship with her but I also want to stand against what she stands for, and I don't know how to do both. Today is mother's day, I am thinking that I should call her. I also want to meet with her in the coming weeks as I am heading back to my home state, and I want us to meet together with a counselor because I don't feel comfortable having a one-on-one conversation with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I have a relationship with my mother when I stand in moral opposition to what she believes, and how do I approach a conversation with her given how she has behaved in the past?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17782" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T04:40:49.423" Title="How can I have a relationship with my mother when I stand in moral opposition to what she believes?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;politics&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-14T04:23:27.047" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14430" CreationDate="2018-05-14T04:21:14.867" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's an interpersonal skill that I think everyone needs to work on, given the polarization of many of us to very strong beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;People with opposing beliefs, even amoral, do not make you a bad person for having a relationship with them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it. Where does the chain of responsibility end? Are you supporting terrorism because you have a friend who has a friend who has a parent who donated to a terrorist organization? No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting political, even moral differences aside is one of the strongest interpersonal skills you will ever have in today's climate. If you can't do this, then all of your conversations will be stupid, pointless, petty arguments that change nothing. And you'll always be upset and angry on top of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all have friends who make objectively bad choices. Drugs, people, etc. Do they simply deserve no friends or family because of their choices, their beliefs?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Being a nice person to someone is NEVER a bad thing&lt;/strong&gt;. Ever. It doesn't matter if they are literally &lt;em&gt;evil&lt;/em&gt;. Being nice, friendly, etc does not do anyone any harm. If it harms you, &lt;strong&gt;that's your problem&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; chance at having a relationship with your mother, you need to adopt this belief. You need to get over it and approach your interpersonal communication with these things in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some tips:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid politics like the plague. I've literally known people for &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt; and they &lt;strong&gt;still&lt;/strong&gt; have no idea what my religion or political affiliation is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be accepting. It's not your job to &quot;correct&quot; people. If you only associated people that were perfect, you'd be alone until you died.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they start talking about something you disagree with, change the subject.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep conversations light. You don't need to have deep conversations with your mom.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Forget the past. Yeah, it sucks, your mom hasn't been great. But if &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; want a relationship, and she refuses to make it right, you need to do it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't have to passively agree. If she &lt;em&gt;forces&lt;/em&gt; you to agree or disagree with her, simply say &quot;I don't agree with that, or your beliefs&quot;, and move on. Say you don't want to talk about it. In fact, you need to make it clear that you don't agree and that it's not a good subject to talk with you about if it happens.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignore her social media posts. It clearly just makes you angry. You can't be mad because someone you know has some messed up beliefs. You'd die very early of a heart attack or you'd live very long alone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't accept these things, you are basically asking us &quot;how do I have a relationship with my mom when I don't want to have a relationship with my mom?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer: you can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if your mom &lt;em&gt;constantly&lt;/em&gt; brings up politics or &lt;em&gt;constantly&lt;/em&gt; disrespects you or your wife, you need to come back to this website to solve those problems specifically. You can even ask us how to go about asking your mom to consider other viewpoints and opinions. In fact, if you think it's possible for you to help your mom stop being racist, you should consider it. However, you may not be in a position to do that and it's honestly not worth losing a relative over (some may disagree).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I'm going to give you something to take away:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nearly every person you've ever come in contact to believes in something you don't. Most of them believe in something you believe isn't right, or moral. If that is a problem for you, then your only viable life is one in which you are alone. Completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plenty of Christians, Mulsims, and Jews have a belief that Athiests are morally wrong. Yet many of them (nowadays) aren't going to end relationships because of it. That's nonsense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now think about the religious people who do end relationships because of their beliefs. Christians who disown their homosexual children. People like that. Do you want to be one of those people? Who end relationships because of &lt;strong&gt;your interpretation of what is moral&lt;/strong&gt;? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that your beliefs are moral. But you know what, so does your mom. Be a better person, and &lt;strong&gt;use your interpersonal skills to show that you're better.&lt;/strong&gt; That you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; how to communicate effectively. That's how you win, here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you truly think your mom doesn't deserve a son because of her politics, no interpersonal skills can help you&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T04:40:49.423" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T04:40:49.423" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14432" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-14T04:28:44.033" Score="-9" ViewCount="928" Body="&lt;p&gt;Without going to much into my personal psyche, here are some things I know:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People can be manipulated relatively easily (1)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know where I can learn to do exactly that (2)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I choose not to for moral reasons: I'm a firm believer that I should convince people with arguments and appeal to their ability to reason logically&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often think of imaginary dialogue situations and I thought of bringing up something like &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; manipulate &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to do what I want, but instead I'm having this nice conversation with you because I'm not a manipulative jerk.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While &lt;strong&gt;I want to convey that I'm trying to be good-willed&lt;/strong&gt; and essentially put myself in a huge disadvantage if I ever would want to manipulate the other person later (I won't, but the other cannot know this for a fact), because the other person will likely be more wary of me, I cannot help myself but think, for some reason or another, that saying this line above would somehow make the other person think less of me. &lt;strong&gt;Is it generally a bad idea to tell people that I could be a manipulative jerk if I wanted to? And if so, how else could I convey my good-willingness to have a civilized discussion instead of some behind-your-back action?&lt;/strong&gt; (3)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Own thoughts: I think it doesn't sound so good because it is basically the interpersonal equivalent of &quot;Look, I have access to nukes and you don't, and that's cool because I won't use mine.&quot; and I can see why &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; is bad. Also, maybe the other person isn't aware that people can be manipulated easily and I don't want them to get any bad ideas. I feel morally insecure enough about posting this issue on the Internet already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; Now with &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/rooms/77445/discussion-on-question-is-it-a-bad-idea-to-tell-people-that-i-could-be-a-manipul&quot;&gt;chat room&lt;/a&gt;! :D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) There are enough studies to support that claim, the most commonly known one is the one were people are manipulated into &quot;giving&quot; other people painful electro shocks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) Obviously, I'm not telling how because this can be easily misused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(3) Behind-your-back action includes, but is not limited to, long time schemes to reach the personal goal as well as some impulsive &quot;after drinking this much, let me know exactly how this person you know is and tried to intimidate me&quot; action&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14075" LastEditorUserId="2798" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T13:09:52.580" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T07:10:41.873" Title="Is it a bad idea to tell people that I could be a manipulative jerk if I wanted to?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-05-14T07:39:38.390" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14433" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14432" CreationDate="2018-05-14T05:02:49.653" Score="17" Body="&lt;h2&gt;It's a bad idea.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Manipulation shows poor interpersonal skills. Actually, horrible interpersonal skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Threats are just as bad. You can't just threaten people with manipulation and act like you're doing them a favor. In fact, that is manipulation itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And to be honest, your arrogance and willingness to insult peoples' intelligence are appalling. If you go into conversations with this twisted arrogance, you are not showing interpersonal skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling someone that you can manipulate them only shows you're a sociopath and basically tells them that they are stupid or that you believe you are a wizard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one wants to talk to a person like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't do this. Ever. And honestly, stop thinking like that if you want to improve your interpersonal communication skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T07:10:41.873" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14432" CreationDate="2018-05-14T05:07:01.323" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your goal is to show a person that you're good-willed, do so by actually demonstrating that. Whatever the situation is, try to do right by the other person, and that will over time show them that you have good intent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling people that you've considered being a jerk but decided not to is at best going to show them that you have extremely poor judgment, and give them an incredibly obvious reason to question you. More likely it would come across as manipulative in and of itself, perhaps an attempt to intimidate. Everyone knows that other people could turn out to be jerks, and a big part of socializing is trying to sort out who they want to be around and who they should steer clear of. Your ideas here would send a strong signal that you're in the latter category.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(And realistically, the fact that you're even asking this suggests that you may not understand other people as well as you think, and you might have a hard time getting very far with your imaginary manipulative situations.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2798" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T05:07:01.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-14T06:14:31.910" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hopefully this will put somethings in perspective. When I graduated from nursing school and then started working in my field becoming accomplished and respected by those I worked with, I NEVER heard anything in anyway acknowledging my accomplishment ever from anyone in my family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your parents know how important it is to you but there could be ambivalence to be excited for you because of how it changes who they are, once you go away their focus of being a parent is changed forever. I know from where you stand their enthusiastic approval is what you’d like to hear and you do deserve recognition. But, it may be more complicated for then to let you go even if it was a few miles away, for them it represents a life stage change just as you going to this university is a life stage change for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm in the position of your parents and when my oldest son moved out on his own I was proud of him for taking this big step. But, honestly, with my younger son the emotions were much more sad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's harder for a parent to see the job that they've committed over 24 years end so abruptly as you going so far away. It doesn't even matter how far you go, to them it's far not geographically, but emotionally. No matter how much they think they've prepared themselves it's still not the same as when it is an imminent reality. They are likely experiencing many mixed emotions, and aren't sure what comes next. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some parents the reason that the relationship stays is the combined work of raising children. They could be questioning the nature of their relationship and what they feel for each other. Many issues that they've put to the back burner for years while staying busy with you and your brother are going to come to the forefront when there's so much quiet in the house. It's not just that you were there but probably your friends as well. There was activity, noise, and comings and goings then it's going to be just the two of them. It's far harder for us middle-aged folk to adjust to this kind of change, if our entire focus has been raising our children then we look around and say &quot;Now What???&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know from where you stand you have worked hard....a big congratulations is due. Your life is stretching out onto a vast horizon of possibility. You may have to step out of your shoes for a second and step into theirs for the next second. Their horizon may look very different and they're still trying to wrap their minds around how different life will look, it may even be a grieving process for them. I know it's hard to see that, but just stay upbeat, give them some time to work out their new roles. Good Luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17788" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T06:30:48.570" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T06:30:48.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14337" CreationDate="2018-05-14T11:29:10.150" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've accepted the top-vote answer of &quot;just do it.&quot; YES, that's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'll give you the next challenge: &lt;strong&gt;can you have a great lifetime relationship, as an adult, loving your parents... even though they may never actually agree with the choice you've made?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why I ask: I'm not sure you're actually seeing this yet from a truly adult / &quot;parents&quot; perspective. (I am writing as an ancient denizen of the 'net, whose dad was like your parents, and am now a father and grandfather... ;) )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're an independent adult: proactively taking action, funding it yourself. You already know that your parents disagree with your choice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your parents DID congratulate you on the success of your effort (&quot;a short handshake, good job.&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wonder: &lt;em&gt;why were you surprised that they're not more supportive?&lt;/em&gt; They disagree with your choice. It's that simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question indicated that you expect them to change their mind? Why? You're not going to &lt;em&gt;control&lt;/em&gt; their perspective. &lt;strong&gt;This is important to understand for a lot more than your choice of school.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my observations about both Asian and Western cultures: once people have taken action (including stating their perspective!) on a topic, it is VERY difficult for them to reverse course. Often at best they'll go silent, with a &quot;let's forget about it&quot; attitude. At best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your initial perspective on their disagreement was they are &quot;treating me like I don't know what I'm doing and am still a kid.&quot; Likely reality: &lt;em&gt;for whatever reason, they disagree with your choice.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, your perspective on their interaction with you is: &quot;they have mellowed in their views and become more understanding.&quot; Likely reality: &lt;em&gt;they still disagree with your choice but are no longer arguing with you about it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had the privilege of knowing a number of amazing leaders, people successful in various fields. All over the planet. At first I was shocked to discover that a number of them have had -- even continue to have -- the same challenge you face with your parents. It's no longer a surprise. &lt;strong&gt;People just don't always agree on everything! And yes, because of that they often miss out on a very real blessing.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One amazing guy has led tens of thousands, influenced hundreds of millions. Yet his parents didn't understand, refused to even watch him speak, etc. They got together for family events, but his work and life calling was basically a taboo subject. This went on for many decades (!) AFAIK, in their old age they finally did attend one of his speeches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does it take to get people to agree on something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easy way: agree out of ignorance (&quot;go along to get along&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this is a topic of importance to you. Just like a marriage, or maybe politics or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To achieve unity there requires heart changes. For that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You need to understand their heart&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They need to understand your heart&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You need to live a life that overcomes the experience (of pain &lt;em&gt;or joy!&lt;/em&gt;) that caused them to prefer a different choice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It may require a bit of a miracle :)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bottom line bit of wisdom: &lt;em&gt;people don't have to be rational and fact-based-logical about everything.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;:-D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17797" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T11:29:10.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14424" CreationDate="2018-05-14T13:55:40.797" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you've decided on doing this, then I'd suggest starting from a position of facts and not emotion.  Anyone who has had a roommate knows that the relationship is not permanent - roommates come and go.  It's part of life with roommates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They need time to find a new roommate, so the sooner the better.  Set the date when you plan on moving out by, and have that discussion.  &quot;Guys, I'm going to move out on [x date].  I want to let you know in advance so you've got time to find a replacement if you want to.&quot;  If they want to know why (and generally they won't), tell them the truth: &quot;I feel like a change/I want my own place/I feel like doing something different&quot;.  There's no need to go into too much detail here.  That explanation will generally do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T13:55:40.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14196" CreationDate="2018-05-14T15:59:57.947" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, just remember to take your shoes off when you come in!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll get an &amp;quot;okay&amp;quot; or a &amp;quot;sure,&amp;quot; while we're walking, but when we get to my apartment I'll open the door and start to take my shoes off while they come right in (...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a shoe problem at all. You are in your apartment, you have said to do X, and the person disobeyed you. You can substitute &amp;quot;taking shoes off&amp;quot; with any other action and it still would be same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The one thing you're doing wrong IMHO is timing. You have to say your request the moment you want it to be performed. So, &lt;strong&gt;say that while opening the door&lt;/strong&gt;. You need to supervise them and if they won't comply, stop them right there. The moment you see them walking past the shoe rack, you shout:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;STOP!&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And ask &amp;quot;What have I said about shoes in my home?&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's your home, and your rules. People who disobey your rules have no place there.Another option would be to instill a penalty: Announce in advance that any person who walks in in shoes has to vacuum and mop the floor. This way or another, it's your job to enforce your rules. Putting rack in plain sight is hint but hints never work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you're afraid of that person not wanting to visit you anymore. Unfortunately, there are only 2 options: either you accept dirt in your home or you force that person to do your bidding. And that will always be unpleasant for someone who doesn't want to care about shoes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3141" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T15:59:57.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14444" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6202" CreationDate="2018-05-14T17:19:42.990" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've never had any problem with &quot;I'm terribly sorry, can you please move your bag so I can sit down?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From either direction that seems to be both direct and polite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If I get on a bus or train with 3 people on it then yes, my bag will go on the seat next to me. If I am busy reading as the car fills up I may not notice that I am denying someone a seat.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick is to apologize for the inconvenience whether you are the owner of the bag or the person who wants to sit down. A few apologies really smooth social interactions among strangers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(US coastal areas.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T17:19:42.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14445" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-14T17:21:54.813" Score="63" ViewCount="22601" Body="&lt;p&gt;My problem arises with the fact that I grew up in a very homophobic environment. I'm personally bi (so most people just take me as straight). Yet, I have homosexual friends with whom I'm very close, so I understand their struggle on a personal level (having gone through some forms of it myself, albeit never as intensely). It is commonplace to make rude comments about someone for being gay (such as implying a gay man is just a wannabe girl or that they're dirty or very sex-focused, which is not at all the case most of the time). Thing is, in my workplace, such conversations will start around me, and people seem to seek validation from me, probably because they've been used to having like-minded people around them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a couple occasions, I've actually tried telling these people why their prejudice is wrong. They wouldn't say these things in front of our gay coworker, so I don't understand why I have to endure that passively. Yet, it's often dismissed as &quot;just a joke&quot; or me not knowing any better. I won't go into much depth about their logic, as it seems like there is none. I find it insufferably grating to have to listen to their insulting remarks, yet find it almost as equally infuriating to try and educate them when otherwise poking fun at them is so much easier and everyone else gets a laugh at their expense. So I've come to the conclusion that it's not healthy for my mind to stress too much either educating them or ignoring them. Instead, I want to remove myself from the equation altogether, as effectively and quickly as possible, without causing much hassle. I know this might seem like Mission Impossible, but I no longer care about whether they have prejudiced views or paint stereotypes over every otherwise unique and distinct individual, because of their sexual preference. I've faced similar issues with xenophobic and racist people, but I'm focusing on homophobic people for this question, as it seems rather recurring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to take this to HR, as I find it neither necessary nor practical, and I'm admittedly scared they might not take it seriously. I'd also rather not start up arguments in the workplace. They don't know I'm bi and I don't want to be seen as the &quot;other queer&quot;. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself, but I'd rather not have that every time someone makes a joke of poor taste.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I guess my question is: &lt;strong&gt;How can I quickly cease, or cut myself from, a conversation of homophobic nature, without driving it further or having to educate people?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I'm asking about this on the workplace (so I can't just go about ranting/complaining), a more general approach could be welcome for outside-work situations. I am planning on changing jobs, but my current one (front-end web development) is very good compared to what I've had in the past, so I'm not too keen on the quitting approach just yet. For the time being, I'd rather not get answers that suggest I might have to educate them. I understand some of the extent of the problems of ignoring these issues - as explained earlier, but I don't think I'm psychologically able to stand these confrontations too often. &#xA;If it's relevant, I'm a 24 years old bisexual woman who lives and works in the US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17805" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T20:54:43.927" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T16:58:25.243" Title="How to quickly remove yourself from a homophobic conversation?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;prejudice&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14446" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-14T17:55:12.063" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are these people relevant to your daily life? Friends, coworkers that you need have a relationship on a daily basis?&#xA;If not, a simple &quot;Later, i have something or X to do&quot; might do the trick. Going to the bathroom seems like a good excuse too. If you cant leave the place, trying an isolated conversation with someone else will also work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As they don't see it as an important matter they will not inquiry on why you are leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5242" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T17:55:12.063" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-14T17:56:18.250" Score="53" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I find helpful when I have to deal with similar things in my workplace is to shake my head to indicate &quot;no&quot; and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a simple gesture of disapproval and then an exit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even when I'm stuck working in the same room with people who are pretty awful, I can usually get away with leaving to go to the restroom or out for a quick smoke break, and by the time I return the conversation has usually shifted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to give people a strong indicator that what's going on isn't ok with me and it seems to reduce recurrences. Admittedly it doesn't eliminate recurrence, but &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; people seem to get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These situations are pretty awful. If, or when, you decide to change jobs it's probably worthwhile to mention the situation to management. There's no guarantee that they'll decide to take any action, but if you have the opportunity to make the place a little less awful on your way out, please do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="1824" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T19:23:27.087" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T19:23:27.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14448" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-14T18:09:34.063" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone makes an objectionable statement like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;a gay man is just a wannabe girl&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's certainly an interesting perspective. I'll go think about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then just walk away. Now you have escaped the conversation without driving it further or educating anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a bonus, you have called a small amount of attention to the offending speech itself and perhaps they will consider what they've said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2382" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T18:09:34.063" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-14T18:12:52.823" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a first step, I would highly recommend that when someone seeks validation or otherwise pressures you to respond, &lt;strong&gt;you should&lt;/strong&gt; if you do not want to continually find yourself in that situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, as far as interpersonal communication goes, you are correct in that it's not the best idea to escalate and argument or lecture people, especially in the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, when someone says something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Homophobic comment/joke], am I right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, you're not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a stern expression, perhaps a headshake to let them know you really don't approve. If you do nothing, they could take it as passive agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, you might want to leave. If anything to make it less awkward, but ultimately to avoid any escalation if one of your coworkers can't handle not being validated and get defensive (those people exist). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you allow them to think you're passively agreeing, it &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; continue around you. In fact, the mere absence of negative responses could &lt;em&gt;encourage&lt;/em&gt; this behavior. At least this way they won't be horrible around you. Maybe they will even be horrible less often, who knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple, non-escalating, non-critical response is likely the most effect &quot;mild&quot; way to handle these situations, if your primary goal is avoiding conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T18:26:06.217" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T18:26:06.217" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-14T18:17:39.647" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would raise my eyebrows while gaping at them for a second, then go silently to another task.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should make your position clear without having to say anything, and make them feel embarrassed of their weird sense of humour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, doing nothing (like going to the bathroom every time) will make you feel even worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17466" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T18:17:39.647" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14451" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-14T18:44:36.277" Score="1" ViewCount="698" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be clear and answer to a comment: I don't need validation for my actions, the validation came from the aftermath. I am however asking for alternate methods and I'm narrating the story for context and what I did so people don't repeat the same method I already know and tried. Please read the bold paragraph to understand what I'm looking for as a result of the alternate methods offered in answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Objective&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Defusing wrath without offending the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The other day we were at my sibling's home having a great time until someone complained about how mom makes awkward mistakes using social media.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially my siblings and I seemed to have the same goal, to remind mom about being careful on what she does in social media to avoid hurting sensibilities or cause misunderstandings. Mom tried to explain the steps she took as to let us know she had been careful. This lead me to understand she didn't know how to use the mobile version of the app. It was the end of the issue for me and I tried to change the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But my siblings went on and on complaining, which became about their own misunderstandings and lack of healthy communication. Mom was fast to recognize that and brought her concerns to the table on how they're not exchanging more fulfilling communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, weaker target doesn't necessarily mean weaker person, in this particular situation mom was in a weaker position because she is staying at their place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;My older sibling has an irascible personality and kept complaining about all the anecdotal and hypothetical ways on how the way she uses social media discomforts &lt;strong&gt;others&lt;/strong&gt;, aiming to &lt;strong&gt;win&lt;/strong&gt; the argument because in their mind, this will change mom's behavior. It got bad. My other sibling withdrew from the argument when we noticed our older sibling had lost their cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The yelling didn't stop even when our older sibling noticed and pointed out how mom's breathing became agitated and instead of taking that as a cue to go easier on her or choose a better time to talk about the issue (or recognizing their own breathing was more agitated, for that matter), instead took it as an additional thing to judge her character. Failing to see the bigger picture, went on and on complaining and highlighting the same &quot;point&quot; from different perspectives which by now was pointless because mom was already on half-listening mode, looking down at her phone feeling anxious, doing shy gestures and all types of non-verbal cues my sibling seemed incapable of noticing under wrathful mode. Mom was effectively taking a verbal beating, and my attempt to intervene was countered with a dismissive lash-out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The technique I know:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I have some psychological training and I've found the reflection strategy to be very effective even if confrontational, this puts the pressure on me rather than the original target.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The reflection strategy works for similar reasons that &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/5-psychological-hacks-that-make-work-better.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;a mirror on a room deters inappropriate behavior&lt;/a&gt;, but there were no mirrors around for zir to see zirself on this angry state.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reflection strategy can come out as childish if used incorrectly, it consists in letting the person talk until something useful comes from their own mouth, and use it to highlight their wrong behavior by mimicking their own line and their own attitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not the first time I use that tactic, it usually has success ranging from mild to great, at the very least resulting in the argument going down in a decremental tone. But this time didn't work well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My last attempt was to point out mom was already defensive and any further attempt to communicate under the same aggressive terms would fail. This fact hit a spot, but the beating went on, regardless.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The technique I had to improvise:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Detecting I had an ally on the table, the spouse who was noticeable anxious about the possibility of me and my sibling escalating the conflict, I invited the rest of individuals present at the table for a table/board game, the spouse was fast to concur and went for the cards and sat next to me and started shuffling them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My other sibling declined to participate, but the spouse's involvement was enough to break the tone that dominated the surrounding space and the argument went on fast decline until my previously angry sibling asked for cards to be handed to them before their spouse finished shuffling, then made us wait until finishing some sentences already on their mind before lifting the handed cards from the table, but that didn't take too long, about less than 2 mins. That last gesture made it clear about their intent to dominate the space, but that is just one single element of everything that was going on. Mom refusing to play after the argument was done was her way to convey she didn't feel welcomed. We didn't keep playing but the episode was over (I can't call it fight because it was unilateral).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The aftermath&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;What made me notice this wasn't the best method was that my sibling is not an asshole but my intervention made everyone notice their asshole behavior, additionally, I was worried about Mom's feelings. So after half the table showed no interest to play and the rest couldn't decide what to play and the conversation went stale, I got up and said that I felt like taking a walk around the neighborhood to &quot;digest the sugar&quot; as a pretext and invited mom to tag along, she was fast to join and went to change her shoes, meanwhile, my sibling looked like feeling guilty, we all needed to switch scenario so I invited everyone to tag along, I specifically invited him/her. My intention was to convey a &quot;let's calm down, let's leave this behind&quot;. The response was actually much more positive than I expected and we ended up outside looking at the stars and having a good time again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I sort of consider the night a success, and while I know they have their own relationship to fix, I would like to know an alternate method.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tactfully defuse anger before it escalates to protect a target from taking verbal abuse?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T22:51:54.970" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T10:50:43.800" Title="How do I tactfully defuse a wrathful person unpacking anger on weaker target?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14452" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-14T18:50:40.290" Score="77" ViewCount="20833" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had to telephone my bank, as my &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.santandercb.co.uk/contact-support/connect-helpcentre/security-devices&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;security device&lt;/a&gt; stopped working. The staff member said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Before we continue with the nature of your call, are you interested in completing a survey&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wasn't. So I interrupted him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry. I waited 25 minutes on hold. So I'm in a hurry. Can we please discuss my kaput security device?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After he said that he'd order a new one, he asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to inform you that you're prequalified for our Visa&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I already received a letter about this, and wasn't interested. So I interrupted again:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I need to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before I could finish, he interrupted back:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't interrupt me a second time. This is rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What could've I done better, without waiting for him to finish his off-topic spiels? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually wait for representatives to end the call voluntarily as they please. After fulfilling requests, most  ask: &quot;Is there anything else I can help with?&quot; I say no, thank them, and then we say bye. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T11:57:02.340" LastActivityDate="2020-05-08T20:57:54.613" Title="How can I tactfully interrupt a customer service representative over the phone?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14453" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-14T18:52:11.403" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As always, it would depend on the person asking and the situation you find yourself in (one where you can easily change the subject or move onto someone else, or one where they can keep going on at you). I would simply say, matter-of-factly and not defensively or in a way that sounds like justification,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;because I didn't have to/need to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;because I decided/wanted to keep my own/family name&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then move on physically or conversationally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not look as if you're interested by their question or pleased that they're that interested in you. Keep it short and avoid the impression you want to get chatty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was stuck with someone who persists, I would try the &quot;turn it around&quot; method and ask them why they did when they didn't have to and keep asking them something about them, moving on to something else if and when you can.  You might want to find out about the customs of other nationalities (it's amazing how many countries around the world do not expect a woman to take her husband's name on marriage) and simply tell them about other ways of doing things, in an informative way, not by way of explaining yourself, just in a tone of discussing the subject in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether they find it interesting or boring, I doubt the same person would question you again, and if others are overhearing the conversation, I believe it would make them think twice, not only about asking you about your decision, but about the name-changing situation in general, and I'm fairly sure some of the women will think about their unquestioning name change (I doubt very much if it is a decision most of them made, just something they went along with).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't be surprised if some people ask because they expect to have to ask or feel they are being polite by showing interest.  Perhaps some of them can't think of anything else to say so it's an obvious question for them to pick up on.  Give whatever brief reply you choose in an off-hand manner the way many exchanges occur socially and at work. I'm sure you've overheard or been involved in brief and disinterested exchanges of questions and answers between people.  I don't know how many times I've heard&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Person 1: &quot;good morning!&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Person 2: &quot;yes thanks!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and various other pretences of interest in how someone's time off was, etc.  Try not to get annoyed by it. You don't know why all of them are asking, don't feel defensive or the need to justify, maybe they're all really not all that interested and will be glad you don't want to explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16198" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T19:03:08.970" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T19:03:08.970" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-14T19:17:29.977" Score="163" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't answer from the UK perspective, but in the US, you have a couple of things happening here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, these reps are &quot;encouraged&quot; to get people to do these surveys and to try to sell other products.  That's what got Wells Fargo in trouble here.  I suspect that your rep had the same kind of &quot;encouragement&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that starting an interruption with &quot;I'm sorry&quot; or &quot;Excuse me&quot; is a tactful way to do that.  If I need to, I do that: &quot;I'm sorry; I'm not interested at this point.  I'm calling about [x] and would like to focus on that right now.&quot;  Generally, though, those sales pitches don't last long so I don't need to interrupt them very often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other thing that is going on is that, from a US perspective, that rep was behaving in a way that is not acceptable.  You aren't yelling, swearing, or insulting.  You're in a hurry.  US representatives are expected to tolerate that; telling a customer that they are rude is not generally considered acceptable.  I wouldn't get into an argument with a representative about that but if I felt strongly I'd call that number back and ask to speak to a manager about our interaction.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T19:17:29.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-14T20:10:45.547" Score="205" Body="&lt;p&gt;I realize this may not be the way you wish to go about it, but I did admire one way a fellow coworker handled these situations; with every type of prejudiced joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What he would do is pretend not to understand. &quot;I don't get it. Why is this funny?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having to explain a joke is bad enough, but having to explain a (usually bad) perceived characteristic of any group (&lt;em&gt;whether they personally believe it or not&lt;/em&gt;) makes most people extremely uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It pretty clearly conveys that they won't get any approval from you for those kinds of jokes, and you don't end up actually trying to &quot;prove&quot; anything or starting an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The hardest part of this tactic is not letting on that you know of the stereotype (if you know it), so it's still not a strategy for everybody if you have trouble holding back anger when it comes to injustice or putting yourself as that person drawing attention to something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17770" LastEditorUserId="17770" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T12:31:15.140" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T12:31:15.140" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-14T20:32:56.623" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Direct answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably going to be considered rude for you to interrupt someone no matter what, and so the soul of tact in these cases is to express that you &lt;em&gt;regret your rudeness&lt;/em&gt; but that your immediate situation &lt;em&gt;requires you to be rude anyhow.&lt;/em&gt; It's important to keep in mind that politeness/graciousness will necessitate that you present yourself as the primary actor in this framing (i.e., it's not someone else's actions that require you to behave rudely, even if that is essentially the case).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a situations like the one you've described, I've been successful with an apologetic tone and a clear reason why I can't listen to the whole pitch at the moment. I wouldn't necessarily say things much different from what you did say, but I would emphasize that the issues causing me to be rushed are on my end and not theirs:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, I need to get back to work pretty quickly so I don't think I'll have time for the survey.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;rather than&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I've been on hold for 25 minutes already!&quot; [Implying that because of that I don't have time for your survey.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question is specific to making an interruption, so this is a bit off-point, but I also often (not always!) find a break fairly early in the pitches which allow me to respond in the natural flow of conversation and not require an interruption. The full line might have been something like &quot;I'd like to inform you that you are pre-qualified for our Visa card. Could I tell you a bit more about that?&quot;. Those extra few words would have cost you very little time, and you could have given a polite &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Extra Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that a major point in this situation is that you were involved in a &lt;em&gt;professional interaction&lt;/em&gt; with an employee of a bank with which you've chosen to do business. The rules and context for this will be different than would be the case with a social call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a professional interaction with an employee (in-house or outside contractor), it's important to recognize that this person probably had zero interest in talking to you about a survey or any Visas you may have been pre-qualified for, or really anything at all. It was almost certainly a mandatory part of his or her job to say those things to you. Further, it's likely that many of the customers this employee talks to are dismissive of those pitches, much as you were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The employee might have been especially frustrated that day (or in general), and I won't defend his or her response to you (which I feel was both inappropriate and unprofessional). But from the employee's perspective, you might have seemed short-tempered and dismissive, to the extent that you were preventing him or her from doing an unpleasant but nevertheless absolutely required part of the job. Had this person not mentioned those things to you, it might have been grounds for being disciplined (including potentially getting fired).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You won't know the exact situation on the other end of the line, but given that the employee likely needed only seconds' worth of additional time (at most) to recite their required lines your insistence on speed could easily have seemed a lot less reasonable to him or her than it would to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T20:32:56.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14377" CreationDate="2018-05-14T20:41:33.440" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to find yourself in a situation of sides. Wherein your acquaintance seems to perceive a situation in which it's you vs. them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your acquaintance then jumps onto your imaginary side and starts defending it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, those actions are based on inaccurate representations of the situation. So really, I think you're looking for a way to change this perception, by using your communication skills to shape what's going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to go through steps in order of severity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Be in on the joke (when appropriate)&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that sometimes you even find things funny and don't want to be defensive or be defending. Those situations are perfect opportunities. From a US perspective, jokes at other peoples' expenses don't really have to hurt anyone. In fact, when used correctly, they can be enjoyable for even the person they are made &quot;against&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When that happens, and you feel the joke really isn't meant to hurt you, make it visibly clear you enjoy it. Laugh, play along, maybe even counter with your own joke about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So someone says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't mean that literally. Ha, sometimes talking to you feels like talking to a robot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can laugh and respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ha, good think us robots will be taking over your job soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This playful banter will firstly make sure the situation stays even, and not one-sided. That's important, because it will give off social cues that suggest there is no conflict, and therefore no need to defend anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, this technique is sometimes recommended even if the other person is actually being mean, because it defuses the situation and takes the bite out of their words. You may wish to use it in that situation, and that's okay, it could prove to help even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Defend your &quot;Attackers&quot;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So someones says a joke. Your manager jumps in and defends you. This is your cue to throw around some of the cliches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smile, firstly, and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Relax, it's just a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We're all just having fun. Don't worry, no harm done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, you might want to do this firstly, to get your manager to back off. You can then go back and tell your attackers to knock it off in private, if you need to or if you really want to defend yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;^ That's what I would call &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defeat_in_detail&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Divide and Conquer.&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;3. Help Defend Yourself, but Make Corrections&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your acquaintance says something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He didn't mean to take it literally. Lay off him, he can't help it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can &quot;add&quot; to this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can take a joke, it's fine, but maybe it's going a little too far. No reason to fight over it, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Warning&lt;/strong&gt;: this option is &lt;em&gt;very subtle&lt;/em&gt;. Your acquaintance may not even realize you contradicted him. Hopefully the others will see it and realize that it's okay to joke around you, respectfully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you paint the image that it's okay to joke around you, and your acquaintance doesn't get it, at the very least people will have the idea that they can joke around &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, just not your acquaintance. Which really isn't so bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;4. Talk To Your Acquaintance&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay so this guy can't take social cues and fails to read situations and simply cannot stop his behavior based on the situation. (At this point it sounds like he is the disabled one).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First things first, thank him. He &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; trying to help you, after all. He doesn't deserve punishment for that, even verbally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So start with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I think things got escalated a little bit yesterday when those guys were making jokes at me. I really appreciate what you tried to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then lead into what is fundamentally wrong with &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, I don't think what you did have the intended effect. Those guys are now just afraid to say things around me. I really don't want that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then address his goals and ensure him they are being met:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I promise that if they get out of hand, that I can handle it myself. In fact, I will. If I need help, I'll be sure to ask you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should almost undoubtedly suggest to him that he stop, without you explicitly telling him to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would leave it at that, and if it does happen again, you can re-approach the subject and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, again I appreciate your effort but now I'm asking you to not defend me. I know you're trying to help, but I am not asking for help right now. I can handle it myself and in the case where I can't, I'll call on you for backup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to mean it. I'm sure you don't actually want his help, ever. But opening him up to that possibility will make him feel needed or wanted and pacify him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this type of confrontation, you need to use your interpersonal skills to convey to this person that ultimately you're on the same side, but you're just kind of taking charge. If you make him feel like an enemy, he will act like your enemy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You probably don't want enemies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T21:09:39.357" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T21:09:39.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-14T20:48:13.927" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to pose a counterpoint to your question about tactfully interrupting someone over the phone. I understand you would like to end these conversations in a hurry and we have all been there; Being on hold is the worst.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;having been on the other side of the phone, perhaps this information can help you to better understand the situation and make a more appropriate choice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who used to work inbound phone sales, these things are absolutely required and are monitored for. When you skip them, you are usually sat down with the recording of the phone call and then asked why didn't you offer X services. Even if it was quite obvious the person was in a hurry or they were not interested in anything you are still required to offer. We know you don't want it, and most days we hate asking because usually it is met with hostility and it's frustrating to have to deal with it 40 times a day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that being said, you mentioned you spent 25 minutes on hold already. These pitches usually take 5 seconds or less, I would imagine that if you were extremely busy, that waiting 25 minutes would also probably have been an issue and you would have called back at a different time when you had more time to spare. Please understand that these are things that have to be offered, even if you call them 10 times a day. The fastest way to get through it is to just say no thanks to each offer which may take 10 seconds extra of your time and be on your way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also if you inform the operator that you are in a hurry, it will help let them know and usually will say something like &quot;okay I have a few questions I need to ask you as required by the company, I will go through them really quickly so we can get you on your way but please understand they are questions I have to ask.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, it's an unfortunate part of phone sales and even in-person interactions, but unless a person is willing to risk being fired or reprimanded, there really is no way for them to skip over required job tasks and just a small amount of patience can help it go by smoothly for both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-05-14T21:04:27.063" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T21:04:27.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14459" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14473" CreationDate="2018-05-14T21:03:37.583" Score="125" ViewCount="29646" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an invisible disability. I do not really want to disclose what it is, but I have trouble standing up on public transport for longer than a few minutes. I would like to sit down. Now, the bus/tram/train is full. I’m a young adult, barely out of my teens and I look very healthy. I travel alone and have no other visible signs (including a pass or document) or immediately apparent needs related to my disability. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I achieve my goal of acquiring a seat without disclosing the nature of my disability and keeping drama to an absolute minimum?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this question is intentionally phrased generally. An answer should preferably be applicable to many different invisible disabilities or illnesses (mental and physical) and should not include suggestions to take a different mode of transport or travel at a different time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;I personally do not take public transport often  and am unlikely to have to ask the same person twice, but answers addressing that possibility are still encouraged over ones who don't. (I usually travel by car, but cars can't go everywhere)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-05T12:41:03.633" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T12:41:03.633" Title="Requesting someone to give up their seat to me on public transport if I have an invisible disability?" Tags="&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-14T21:14:19.267" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers are generally good if you want to inspire conflict. Giving stern looks, lectures, setting traps, or trying to put people on the spot are great ways to whip everyone involved into self-righteous fervor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the question, though, it sounds like you're interested in &lt;em&gt;avoiding&lt;/em&gt; conflict. And the easiest way to do that is to just do that - avoid it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone makes a joke you don't like, just give a very neutral &quot;mmm&quot; with a head bob, and then a second or so later, smile and make some excuse to exit the conversation, say farewell, and leave. Be polite, don't agree with them, and they'll understand you don't appreciate that humor. This makes it abundantly clear that you weren't even pretending to play along, but you're also not going to try to proselytize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This strategy applies to literally everything anyone could say in a casual conversation that you don't like. Their politics? Their taste in sandwiches? Their baseball team? Their vacation plans? Even to people who drone on incessantly and are just boring. If there's something that you don't want to hear - just nod, say &quot;mmm&quot;, and then leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2321" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T21:14:19.267" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14459" CreationDate="2018-05-14T21:44:00.127" Score="181" Body="&lt;p&gt;That might not be the best solution, but how about&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well, can I please sit down?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyone, no matter how young and fit, might not be feeling well on a particular day, with no visible signs. So you wouldn't need to go into any lengthy explanations. And people are usually nice and helpful when you ask nicely.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is what I usually do after I give blood, at any rate. I am young and healthy enough to routinely donate blood, so I don't look like I might need a seat, but in those instances, I really do. Never had any trouble with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T21:44:00.127" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14463" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14488" CreationDate="2018-05-14T22:37:04.560" Score="13" ViewCount="4269" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I started a wood working hobby a few months ago of which the loudest tools are my stereo, a table saw, and a router. I've had some passive interest from neighbors as they drive by, peering into my garage to see what I'm working on - but no complaints about the noise or anything. I only operate the loud tools during mid-day on the weekends so as to make as little impact as possible. I also align the tools so that saw-dust is blown &lt;em&gt;into&lt;/em&gt; the garage and I shop-vac it constantly to make sure I'm not letting dust escape.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The incident for discussion:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in the process of building a table on Sunday and began working on it around Noon. The loud tools were in use on this project (table saw, router). Around 4:00pm, a neighbor that I'd never seen before came over. I shut the router off, took out my earbuds, and his first words were, &quot;Really?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought that he was joking at first so I was cordial and explained that I was building a table for our dining room. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was instantly angry (I suppose he was angry from the beginning - it just took me until now to catch on)...and he shouted &quot;It's 4:00pm, ON SUNDAY, ON MOTHER'S DAY!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't really know how to respond to this statement and simply said, &quot;yes...I know...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's at this point that he yelled that he was trying to enjoy his dinner and couldn't because of the noise and he threatened that, if I went back to work, he would call the police. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I attempted to deescalate the situation by introducing myself and holding my hand out to shake - an invitation that he did take. I then said, &quot;let's come to a compromise. I'll break for a bit and then continue with the garage door down. How long will your dinner be?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He then continued to yell, repeating that it was 4:00PM ON SUNDAY ON MOTHER'S DAY!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife had heard his shouting and was already in the garage by this point. She stated that I'd break for the day and the angry neighbor left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem I need help solving:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm unsure how to move forward with this neighbor. Up until yesterday, I had never met or seen the man. Had he come over and simply asked me to quiet down, I would have (it's not my intention to be a neighborhood nuisance). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to approach my neighbor to reiterate that, should he have an issue with my noise making in the future, then he should absolutely come by so that we can work out a good compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I also want to make sure that it is absolutely clear that he understands that the level of aggression and hostility presented yesterday to me and my wife will not be tolerated and that there should be no reason why any interaction cannot take place with civility. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What sort of tactic/strategy would you use going into this interaction so as to extend the proverbial olive branch, but to reinforce that his behavior was uncalled for and will not be tolerated?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit to respond to comments:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Noise making is, indeed, a very culture dependent thing. In my locale, the law is fairly liberal on behalf of noise makers - operable time of day is 7:00am through 10:00pm and only the major holidays are exempted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As stated above, I do not work during the week (not getting home from work usually until after 5) and this is my cut-off hour on the weekend as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The incident boils down to a neighbor being very upset over my noise making on a day that he viewed as more sacrosanct than I. Now, I admit to being unaware, and some may say, callous to his view. &lt;strong&gt;This is why I want to make amends&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the flip side, my neighbor's overtly hostile and aggressive action was, in my mind, &lt;em&gt;never an appropriate response&lt;/em&gt;. His attempt to use aggression and intimidation tactics, especially in front of my wife, &lt;em&gt;is completely unacceptable behavior&lt;/em&gt; and it's &lt;strong&gt;this&lt;/strong&gt; point that I also want to emphasize while resolving the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate the insights given here and the different perspectives. If there is anything else that I can clarify - do as you do in the comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17810" LastEditorDisplayName="user17810" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T15:39:57.463" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T18:48:49.223" Title="How can I extend an olive branch, but also reinforce that another's behavior is not okay?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="309" CreationDate="2018-05-14T22:52:46.527" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your goal is to avoid possibly upsetting someone, you can always vacate your seat without saying anything. If you stand up right before a semi-elderly person gets close to your seat, they can take it if they want, or choose not to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have often gotten up and moved to another seat in the back of the bus without saying anything. This technique would of course leave you standing if there were no open seats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the US, at least, there is no expectation to offer anyone a seat based on their gender, but I would of course offer one to anyone who is pregnant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4077" LastActivityDate="2018-05-14T22:52:46.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14463" CreationDate="2018-05-14T23:36:33.923" Score="10" Body="&lt;h1&gt;The immediate response&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have no way of knowing what this neighbor's day was like or what led him to react the way he did. Perhaps he even walked away and immediately felt bad for the way he handled the situation. Since this was a one time event, it's impossible to know. However, I'd suggest that you give him the benefit of the doubt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would continue working as you have been, especially if this was the first incident after months of working. However, while you're hoping for the best (he had a rough day, this was a one off thing, etc...), prepare for the worst (his eventual return). If you find yourself in the latter situation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;If this happens again&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Growing up with a younger brother, I can tell you that no matter how reasonably you form your arguments or how kind you try to be, if you do it while he's in a yelling mood, the conversation isn't going to go anywhere. In my experience, the best solution here is to deescalate the current conversation immediately in whatever way I can and attempt to approach the situation later when we've both calmed down. Deescalating also has the added bonus of usually letting the current argument go in favor of the other party, which encourages them to be more receptive to have the level-headed conversation later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your neighbor comes by again, &lt;strong&gt;immediately stop work for the day&lt;/strong&gt;. Apologize (even if you're not sorry for working loudly, you can still apologize that it's making him feel this way!), let him know you'll stop for today, and invite him to a friendly conversation at a later date about how you can continue your hobby without bothering him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was in your situation, I would remember that while they may be badly mishandling the situation, you are both infringing on each other's ways of life--him with your hobby and you with the quiet he's been used to--and as such, both of you will need to change to find an outcome where everyone is happy. If it peeves you to put your work back a few hours, remember that you're sacrificing a few hours now for many uninterrupted productive hours in the future!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T15:45:31.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14466" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14467" CreationDate="2018-05-15T00:16:32.087" Score="1" ViewCount="557" Body="&lt;p&gt;A bit of background: I recently responded to an online ad for a room in a shared home in a city close to me. The poster and I spoke back and forth a bit, and I ended up taking a look at the house. While it was never explicitly stated, even less so in writing, it was assumed that I would be signing on to the lease at the end of the month. For several reasons, I've since gotten cold feet on the deal and want to back out. As of today, there's still 17 days until the room needs to be filled. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there still a polite way for me to decline on the room? They do have my contact information, including phone number. From what I gathered, they don't seem like the vindictive type, but I'd rather not take the chance of angering a stranger who has my personal info. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9860" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T11:57:09.233" Title="How to politely renege on an offer for a room?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14467" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14466" CreationDate="2018-05-15T00:28:39.287" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to tell him as soon as possible, so that he can start looking for a new tenant. This situation happened to me recently (I was in his position) and my potential roommate got cold feet, he told me way too late and it caused me to have to pay an extra month rent by myself. I would have appreciated being told earlier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Politely tell him that you've decided to decline the room, and offer your reasons as to why. There's not much you can do differently in this situation. It's going to be a bummer for him/her no matter what, but better to hear it earlier rather than later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17815" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T00:28:39.287" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14466" CreationDate="2018-05-15T01:28:45.233" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a part-time landlord. When i look for candidate tenants, often they are very enthusiastic then flake out a few days later. That's expected, it happens for lots of legit causes, there is no reason to get angry about that. Sometimes I get people on the phone gushing in excuses, so I just tell them &quot;we haven't signed yet, it's okay, five other people want the appartment anyway...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottomline, the deal isn't done until the contract is signed and the first month of rent has been paid. Anyone who ignores this rule does so at their own risk, your poster decided to ignore the rule, it's his problem now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're going to flake on him, I'm sure you have your reasons. That's his problem not yours. If he wanted to reduce his financial risk, instead of placing blind trust into someone he just met off the internets, he would have asked you for a deposit. He did not, therefore either he doesn't mind taking the risk, or he's rather naive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need to do is tell him &lt;strong&gt;as soon as possible&lt;/strong&gt;, because the longer you wait, the more his financial risk increases. The fact this dude was naive enough to go long on your empty promise does not entitle you to make him lose even more money by telling him too late that you're not up to it. In fact, the words you use matter a lot less than how quick you are in saying that you're unable. The faster the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good way to phrase it is &quot;I'm sorry, I'm no longer able to take this deal.&quot; Do not give a reason, because that would invite a debate. Just say you're unable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastEditorUserId="2135" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T11:57:09.233" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T11:57:09.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14459" CreationDate="2018-05-15T04:19:11.177" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you can give exactly the information you gave in the question, to anyone who is seated:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, I have a disability/health issue/problem that makes it difficult/unsafe/unhealthy for me to stand for long periods of the time. Would you mind if I sat down?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they inquire into the nature of the disability, you can simply but firmly say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd prefer not to go into details/discuss the specific nature of my condition, but it makes it so I can't stand for very long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is  honest, direct, and should avoid drama.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7986" LastEditorUserId="7986" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T18:42:08.337" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T18:42:08.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14459" CreationDate="2018-05-15T05:18:28.687" Score="178" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm probably going to Hell for this, but what we might need here is a little white lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have an arthritic knee and sometimes this means I end up using a fold up walking stick (available in many pharmacies and in charity shops sometimes).  It does mean if I need to shift someone from the notionally reserved special seating on buses I've got visible evidence.  Usually it's not an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So maybe grab a cheap fold up walking stick and use it as needed until you're over the problem with the concussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And keep in mind that with a concussion a walking stick may be useful anyway as your balance can be a little off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T05:18:28.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14463" CreationDate="2018-05-15T06:04:36.317" Score="-6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Soundproofing your garage would be the best way to offer olive branches to all of the neighborhood&lt;/strong&gt;, olive branches for everyone, yeah! let olive branches rain all over the silent place ^_^&lt;br&gt;&#xA;We all will silently thank you for it. &lt;strong&gt;* &lt;em&gt;Sigh&lt;/em&gt; *&lt;/strong&gt;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting offended is the new black, and people find all kinds of ways to be offended, it adds spice to their lives. People can be offended by something as petty as adding some of your personality to your writing, and you better not breath because the next door bloke might be &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://search.nih.gov/search?utf8=%E2%9C%93&amp;amp;affiliate=nih&amp;amp;query=misophonia&amp;amp;commit=Search&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;misophonic&lt;/a&gt;&quot; which many people with real disabilities consider to be a made up &quot;disability&quot; which provides a license (prescription) to behave nasty. Regardless of you agreeing or disagreeing, you now have to deal with nasty behavior from people who think they are in the right to act crazy and make a big deal about some distant sound emitted by the natural aftermath of a person being alive. In this case, you are enjoying being alive practicing a hobby at several yards of distance, regardless, someone finds a way to feel offended by your activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That said and addressing the situation you faced:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There's one thing you can thank him for, though. He might have voiced concerns that other neighbors might be too shy or &quot;nice&quot; to voice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Accepting your handshake is not necessarily a sign of good will, which was confirmed by the disgusting way he rejected your invitation for a compromise.  You really don't want to be extending an olive branch to a neighbor whose opening line to a fellow neighbor is and aggression like that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;really?!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now that you have the good intention to do so, at least don't do it under his terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person had the nerve to come to your home and antagonize you.&#xA;He thought he had won before even starting to negotiate like a sane person, you don't want to offer positive feedback on his insane attitudes.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remaining calm was the best thing you could do, you can be proud of yourself. But other than that, some other answers are suggesting that you go for the submissive strategy, which is the same as treating him as your boss, your ruler... please don't let assholes rule your neighborhood, this is how they get to rule the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Extend an olive branch under your own terms. That could be expert advice from you on how to soundproof his home. Don't help him with such endeavor as that could be taken as admitting guilt and providing compensation in advance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't go to him, let him come to your property.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Prepare a hidden camera and record his actions, recording inside your property and public spaces is permitted.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask your wife to be prepared to support you instead of accidentally supporting the stranger, by calling the police next time the man comes invading your property and yelling.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not being used to this type of situation you might think it's ridiculous, but the police know this is exactly the type of situation where many violent crimes are committed, i.e. a person who lost their cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will have the footage as proof. He will be discouraged to call the police and if he does, they already know who's the problematic one. (That is, unless you are in fact in violation of some civil code, I don't think you are but it wouldn't hurt to investigate your local legislation.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My experience&lt;/strong&gt; with an invasive individual was similar in that I didn't do anything wrong but the person invading my home thought he was above the law and he could simply use his presence to convince me he was right and I was wrong. It wasn't a neighbor, it was a person who had bought the property my family was occupying and he decided he no longer wanted us there (he bought it for a reason, he had plans for the land).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Disregarding the law, he thought he could evict us by simply going there in person and putting pressure on us, but we still had an ongoing rental contract. He got loud after I informed him I knew the law, but I stood my ground, after he left a neighbor came to express her concern for my life because she recognized the guy from some mafia, and while a susceptible weak person would have submitted to pressure and fear, I figured there were ways to keep this person at bay.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;He kept coming twice or trice a week demanding we removed ourselves from the property and the original landlord was being evasive and wouldn't pick up the phone. A rumor came to me about him loosing the property over some stupid game. The situation felt as if it had come out from a movie script or a cheap tv show.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;One day that I was not home I received a call from an awesome friend who sent the police because this stranger was invading the property, when I arrived the police was already there and this was helpful because it set a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Precedent&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;precedent&lt;/a&gt; with witnesses of his unlawful behavior. Regardless of how bad the discussion and the whole episode with the police with him infuriated, he had no other choice than to adjust his behavior.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;From then on, the man tried to be slightly more amicably, very hypocritical though, he started to compliment my pretty eyes and face, etc. Started to invite me for drinks... besides me not being gay, I really didn't want to be friends with a mafia person, but this gesture was the telling sign that he now recognized he was not in a position to be demanding anything, the situation had changed, he was now acting submissive, willing to spend money on me to earn my favor. I declined his invitation, however, to show my good will &lt;strong&gt;under my own terms&lt;/strong&gt;, I agreed to him sending a person over to start preparing the land for what he had in mind. A person with a machete started to come over and it turned out to be his brother, and his conversation had a sniff of sadness and a stroke of creepiness, hahahaha, dayum, well, whatever. The story doesn't get much more interesting or helpful for you, I simply made sure to be convincing when I lied about where was the new place my family was going to be living at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, stand your ground, use the law at your favor, exhibit the man's wrong behavior, keep the rest of the neighbors on your favor. You'll be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T02:11:49.817" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T02:11:49.817" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14459" CreationDate="2018-05-15T06:39:09.887" Score="58" Body="&lt;p&gt;In London, UK, we have &quot;Please Offer Me A Seat&quot; badges and cards: &lt;a href=&quot;https://tfl.gov.uk/campaign/please-offer-me-a-seat&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://tfl.gov.uk/campaign/please-offer-me-a-seat&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have one of these badges, the duty of a true English citizen is to stand in the middle of the tube, flaunting the badge and avoiding making any eye contact with anyone. If someone has not offered you a seat within a few seconds, the next step would be to start sighing heavily and tutting. If this doesn't work, then you must be in a carriage full of barbarians, to which the only proper response would be to change carriage and repeat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit - I can't comment in IPS yet, so I will answer the questions below here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;netherlands&quot; tag was added after I posted, so this answer was more relevant before - I specified it was about London so as to be clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am unaware as to whether non-verbal communication will work outside London, but the Please Give Me A Seat campaign in London was working well even before it was well known. Transport for London did however promote the scheme through advertising and social media afterwards, so people are very well aware of it now and it has large support from passengers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think some of the main reasons that this scheme works are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The badges are branded by the transport company, so feel &quot;official&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;People often feel awkward offering seats as some people get offended (because they &quot;can stand by themselves, thank you very much&quot;), having a visual clue lets them know they can offer a seat without potentially insulting anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The badges give a visual cue that a person may have issues standing without requiring them to specify what their problem is.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16772" LastEditorUserId="16772" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T19:15:44.890" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T19:15:44.890" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14377" CreationDate="2018-05-15T06:41:18.710" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As other said, your acquaintance is doing this because he likes you and surely because he has no idea how strong you are. In fact, reacting like this shows that he surely is weaker than you, and wouldn’t handle it if it happened to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering the previous assumption, &lt;strong&gt;don’t be too cutting toward him&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am nearly 50, am independent, and have come to terms with all of my difficulties. While I did have a bit of a rough life, I've learned to cope and I am not sensitive about my disabilities in the least. I make light of them, joke about them and don't mind if others do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That’s the perfect quote.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should first acknowledge that his actions translate a true care for you. You should thank him and then explain to him that the best thing that can happen in your condition is to get to a point people can joke freely about it. Actually you think you’re pretty funny sometimes even if it’s not always on purpose. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can go into more details if he doesn’t get it right away but the best is to tell him after he does it again. With a smile and a lot of understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If it does happen again after that&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Replies directly to him with a smile by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;don’t worry for me, look at my big muscles &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And give a him a wink that will remind him your previous conversation and build complicity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, replying with a joke should immediately clear the air.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17466" LastEditorUserId="17466" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T07:27:37.103" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T07:27:37.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14477" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-15T08:27:28.543" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, people are offensive - and it is well within their right to be offensive. But you don't have to hang around. If and when they are being so, your reaction is totally up to you. If, as you say, you just want to exit the conversation then what is usually best is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Nice chatting with you, I gotta go&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your own sake, it was nice that some person that makes homophobic jokes outed himself so you can write him off the whitelist of people whose opinions you actively seek out. Whether it is enough to put him on the blacklist of people you generally avoid is your call to make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is the single most effective way to end the conversation as soon as possible. A lightly &quot;bored&quot; body language will help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any attempt of derision, scorn, education, argument... will (by design) cause friction. I mean, anyone whose opinions are challenged will respond. And the passive-aggressive &quot;just walking away from the conversation&quot; IS a challenge. Challenging their opinion will likely lead to a not at all short conversation either now or in the future and never be as effective as just (silently) ignoring it. Most people also have a white and a black list mentally of people they seek out, or avoid. Adjust your preferences, and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5494" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T16:37:00.263" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T16:37:00.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14459" CreationDate="2018-05-15T08:56:07.990" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fundamental thing here is: ASK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Way too many times I see pregnant or elderly persons just staring at you, probably assuming that the person sitting needs the seat less than the staring person is a huge mistake. There could be an invisible disability, bad knees or something else, but you don't know without asking and it's rude just to assume. The key here is actual communication instead of just staring, implying that you need to get up and allow the staring person to sit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8680" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T08:56:07.990" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-15T09:12:22.783" Score="91" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't interrupt me a second time. This is rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wow! That's an extraordinarily rude thing for them to have said. If someone on a telephone banking line said that to me I would consider issuing a written complaint to the bank a justified response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you do was a perfectly polite way to deal with them. It is your time they are wasting with this behaviour and politely cutting them off is an entirely reasonable thing for you to have done. There is no need for you to change your behaviour because you dealt with a bad telephone representative of your bank.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I am from the UK, and have worked for a bank calling customers although not receiving calls)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="356" LastEditorUserId="356" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T09:17:50.517" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T09:17:50.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14463" CreationDate="2018-05-15T11:03:19.147" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;While you want to tell your neighbour that he was out of line and that he can’t behave that way again, the way you do that might depend on whether his complaint was reasonable. &#xA;ie Are you going to tell him that his complaint is nonsense and his manners appalling, or that he made a valid point… badly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m suggesting some things to research &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; you talk with your neighbour so you can be very sure of your ground on validity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Consider&lt;/strong&gt;:&#xA;When you are busy working, earbuds in, for hours at a time, you might not have the best idea of effects elsewhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your garage might be a sound box and, amplifying or channelling the sound. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accidents of architecture may bounce the sound around leaving the one neighbour affected more than others. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Investigate the possibilities&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get someone else to use your tools while you take a walk around the neighbourhood. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stand near the angry neighbour‘s house for a while to see if it could spoil his quiet enjoyment of his property, remembering to think about duration and sheer inevitability as well as absolute volume.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do this with your garage door both open and closed, and with an open mind. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The neighbours you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; may be more willing to accept some nuisance than those you don’t. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them to tell you honestly if the noise is too much. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don’t tell them you’ve had a complaint, that invites people to take sides and could polarise the neighbourhood around the issue. Just say that you realise the noise carries and now you’ve been doing it a while, and intend to carry on, you wanted to check if you should do more to damp the sound. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider what you could reasonably do to dampen sound. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Does the garage have block work walls and concrete floor which are&#xA;highly reflective to sound?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Could you get acoustic matting/panels?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Can you change your table saw set up and other gear to limit noise, with &lt;a href=&quot;http://woodworkingtips.com/etips/etip27.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;blade stabilisers, isolation mounts and other measures&lt;/a&gt;?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Read up on noise nuisance in your jurisdiction to check if you inadvertently breach that threshold. I see you have checked out permissible times, are there also restrictions on decibel levels? Remember, it is possible that something may still be deemed a legal nuisance without breaking a specific ordinance if the right people agree that it has become unreasonable (IANAL).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a look at some literature on the effects of noise nuisance to help you understand how your neighbour may be experiencing things from his side. This &lt;a href=&quot;https://m.health24.com/Medical/Hearing-management/Noise/Stop-that-noise-20120721&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Health24&lt;/a&gt; site is useful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Psychological stress from being woken or disturbed, and the feeling of helplessness that you have no control over your environment.&#xA;  Increased stress levels, especially if these are sustained over long periods, are suspected to contribute to various health conditions, most notably those of the heart and circulatory system, and mental health problems such as depression and anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, have a look on this site at some of the questions people have asked about noisy neighbours. Often, people want to avoid confrontation and have to feel pretty pushed to go and challenge someone about noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Armed with this information and a fixed view on what, if any concessions you are prepared to make, ask your neighbour if you can meet to discuss. You’ve had time to prepare so don’t beard him at home with no warning, be fair and allow him prep time too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’d suggest that you have in mind an agenda, a running order to help you manage when in the conversation to bring up his behaviour. Your actions have, at root, been the trigger for all of this and you should focus on that first, not his aggression. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you have decided that he may have a point&lt;/strong&gt;, or at least that you can moderate the sound within an acceptable amount of effort/expenditure on your part (and remember that even if other neighbours have not complained, they might still appreciate les noise), lead with that. That is your olive branch. Let him have the win, perhaps thank him for drawing attention to the fact that you could be heard so far away. Reiterate that you had previously taken steps you thought would be sufficient and were sad it wasn’t enough. By being reasonable and gracious you may cause him to contrast your attitude with his own aggression and to apologise unprompted and perhaps justify his anger with stories of a stressful day. If he does, sympathise, confirm that you thought it was out of line, but accept the apology. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it has gone well but he &lt;strong&gt;hasn’t&lt;/strong&gt; apologised spontaneously, think carefully if there is anything to be gained by pushing it. If it is likely to jeopardise the new entente cordiale, let it go for now. Otherwise keep it to a passing remark as you wind down, something which invites agreement rather than sounding argumentative. eg&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, glad we got this sorted, but you do know that was out of line&#xA;  last time? I’d make the changes just as fast if you hadn’t come in&#xA;  shouting the odds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(obviously, use your own words and idiom here)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are going to tell him that you &lt;strong&gt;don’t&lt;/strong&gt; intend to cut the noise, still detail the steps you took to come to this view. It's a smaller olive branch, but an olive twig may be better than no olive wood at all. He may appreciate the effort you took, or be frustrated at being powerless to change a situation he finds stressful and may well become angry again, at which point he will not be receptive to you telling him that &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; is out of line and pushing the point risks escalating the argument. Consider instead telling him that although you feel the noise should be acceptable, you will abide by any arbitration by the local authority for such matters, be it the HOA, local town council, city council etc. It's another olive twig.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that defuses the situation somewhat you &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; add that that is the &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; channel through which you will speak to him on the matter, because you found his initial aggression unacceptable, but be prepared to leave the conversation at that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, you can only &lt;strong&gt;inform&lt;/strong&gt; someone that you don’t find their behaviour acceptable, unless you have a sanction you can apply when they use that behaviour. So you have to think about how far you are prepared to go in order to enforce that. Are you willing to call the police, or to huckle him off your property personally, get a restraining order? I am in no way advocating violence or laying hands on someone, only pointing out that there is a limit to what words can do alone. If attempts to discuss with him, or to ameliorate noise don’t stop him coming over and ranting at you in your garage, then you may have to consider how else you enforce your boundaries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T16:18:50.130" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T16:18:50.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-15T11:11:17.780" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One good way to handle this is to ask &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Does it matter?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully in most cases people will respond with &quot;no, not really&quot; and you'll be able to redirect conversation onto something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people will say &quot;no, not really, &lt;em&gt;but I'd like to know&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, in which case simply say &quot;I quite like my name and changing it would be a hassle anyway&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thereafter, any argument regarding tradition can be dismissed with &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I don't want to change my name&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; and/or &lt;strong&gt;&quot;why follow tradition when it causes so much upheaval?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, and on the off-chance that someone asks about how you'd name your children you can dismiss that with &lt;strong&gt;&quot;we'll cross that bridge when we come to it&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; and/or &lt;strong&gt;&quot;we won't be having any children for a while yet&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;/&lt;strong&gt;&quot;we might not even have children&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd advise caution with the &quot;we might not even have children&quot; answer though, as that could lead to an argument in itself. Unfortunately there are people out there who think that getting married and having children are the only possible goals in life and they cannot comprehend the idea of someone not wanting to be married or have children. To some people, family is everything, especially older generations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately though, whatever reasons you give and whatever arguments the other party gives, don't stress too much over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've made your decision, the rest of the world has to live with it whether they like it or not. If they want to go on believing that you've made the wrong decision, that's their problem - not yours. Don't hate them for it though, just live and let live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I am English, so hopefully my answer is somewhat culturally in tune, though I admit marriage isn't a topic that I have to deal with (or even contemplate) very often.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T11:11:17.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-15T11:56:11.600" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;For me, it depends on whether it is a joke or serious.  For a joke, see someone else’s “why is that funny?” answer.  If it’s a serious remark, I might say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Whatever you may think about the wisdom of their behavior, they are still human beings and entitled to respect as such.”  Depending on details, I might even add, “Furthermore, saying things like that is a great risk of someone less charitable than me getting you in hot water with HR.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="416" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T11:56:11.600" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14496" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14500" CreationDate="2018-05-15T13:54:17.993" Score="11" ViewCount="3033" Body="&lt;p&gt;I committed a grave error four years ago, I cannot exactly tell what is about, but is something that I must never do. My sister had already done the same thing before me, but no one had a knowledge about it. Then, last year she confessed and everybody got disappointed with her, except me, who got surprise that she had the bravery to do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I stay four years with this heavy load on me and I cannot bear with this anymore, I almost committed suicide two times and my hard regrets can't go away from me. I cried so much for this and now I can't even sleep anymore. This will be so frustrating for all my family and friends, but I need to tell them, I need to take out all this heavy load from inside of me but I don't know how! I'm desperate and please forgive me if this is too broad, but I really can't say what I've done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I tell them what I've done despite my low communication skill and my non-bravery and fear?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some informations: I'm an 18 years old girl, my sister is 22. I'm autistic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I confessed them yesterday and it went well. Thank you guys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17503" LastEditorDisplayName="user17503" LastEditDate="2019-04-27T01:03:54.527" LastActivityDate="2019-04-27T01:03:54.527" Title="How to confess severe mistakes to family?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14498" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-15T14:23:47.087" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, this is a form of harassment. Comments and conversations that are forced upon you by other coworkers which make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe in your workplace should not be tolerated and by law in the US must not be tolerated by HR and management. From the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/harassment.cfm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;eeoc.gov&lt;/a&gt; website:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Harassment is unwelcome conduct that is based on race, color,&#xA;  religion, sex (including pregnancy), national origin, age (40 or&#xA;  older), disability or genetic information. Harassment becomes unlawful&#xA;  where 1) enduring the offensive conduct becomes a condition of&#xA;  continued employment, or &lt;strong&gt;2) the conduct is severe or pervasive enough&#xA;  to create a work environment that a reasonable person would consider&#xA;  intimidating, hostile, or abusive&lt;/strong&gt;. Anti-discrimination laws also&#xA;  prohibit harassment against individuals in retaliation for filing a&#xA;  discrimination charge, testifying, or participating in any way in an&#xA;  investigation, proceeding, or lawsuit under these laws; or opposing&#xA;  employment practices that they reasonably believe discriminate against&#xA;  individuals, in violation of these laws.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Petty slights, annoyances, and isolated incidents (unless extremely&#xA;  serious) will not rise to the level of illegality. To be unlawful, the&#xA;  conduct must create a work environment that would be intimidating,&#xA;  hostile, or offensive to reasonable people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Offensive conduct may include, but is not limited to, offensive jokes,&#xA;  slurs, epithets or name calling, physical assaults or threats,&#xA;  intimidation, &lt;strong&gt;ridicule or mockery, insults or put-downs,&lt;/strong&gt; offensive&#xA;  objects or pictures, and interference with work performance.&#xA;  Harassment can occur in a variety of circumstances, including, but not&#xA;  limited to, the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The harasser can be the victim's supervisor, a supervisor in another&#xA;  area, an agent of the employer, a co-worker, or a non-employee. The&#xA;  victim does not have to be the person harassed, but can be anyone&#xA;  affected by the offensive conduct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And from &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.usa.gov/labor-laws&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;usa.gov&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) enforces federal&#xA;  laws prohibiting employment discrimination. These laws protect&#xA;  employees and job applicants against:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Discrimination, harassment, and unfair treatment by managers, co-workers, or others in the workplace because of race, color,&#xA;  religion, sex (including gender identity, transgender status, and&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;sexual orientation&lt;/strong&gt;), pregnancy, national origin, age (40 or older),&#xA;  disability, or genetic information&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Emphasis mine&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would absolutely encourage you to talk to your HR department or your manager about the situation. You don't have to state your own sexual orientation when reporting the inappropriate conversations of others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HR/Management should be able to address the problem generally without singling out individuals or referring to you specifically as the complainant. Frankly, if you are uncomfortable with these conversations my guess is that there others around you who are as well. I'm a straight white male, and I would complain if it was ongoing since I don't appreciate working in an environment that is toxic toward people who are different from me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide not talk to your manager or HR and would simply like to avoid becoming embroiled in these conversations when they happen in your vicinity while working, can I suggest a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones? I have worked in environments that were just plain noisy due to open office floor plans and it was generally accepted that you didn't interrupt someone with headphones on unless it was very important. This way if they shoulder tap you to join the conversation you can merely shrug, point and your headphones and tell them you are focusing on work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13745" LastEditorUserId="13745" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T21:44:22.860" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T21:44:22.860" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14496" CreationDate="2018-05-15T14:43:51.443" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what I've heard so far I think the best thing for you to do is first share your burden with close friends first, those who you think will support you and help later. And I really think you and your sister should see a psychologist for your mental health, being more mentally sound will help you be calmer and stronger when facing your parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you should discuss with your sister on what you are going to do, and how you are going to do it. She has already been through this and will have some good advice for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do confront your family, make sure you and the people you want to tell are alone and calm. Bring some of your friends who support you along if  you are scared of being alone. Do not get scared and that will harm you more, everyone makes mistakes, admit them and move on. Your family will listen if they do not you will at least have the burden removed and move on with your life. If needed, conduct a meeting in a certified psychologists office as they can help you calm things down if things get out of hand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17399" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T07:44:30.000" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T07:44:30.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14501" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-15T14:52:32.103" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You were not rude, at all, so to answer your question: Do exactly what you already did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just wanted to provide a bit of insight from someone who previously worked in this industry for many years, as to why you got called rude. (Which was very inappropriate.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bank agent may well be being paid a bonus for every sign up they get on the card and/or every positive feedback survey they get, or at least will get better 'stats' - which often leads to financial or other rewards, or keeping your job, at least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result, agents will, over time, come up with their own methods to try and manipulate you into a position where you are more likely to accept. It's nothing the bank will do officially, just the result of what happens when you reward bad behaviours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one is similar to the 'God bless you' trick used by beggars - it's meant to shame you into complying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other tricks to watch out for: 'These damn corporations, I'm just a working stiff like you, I'm on your side' and 'I'm just trying to help you'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3815" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T13:16:19.537" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T13:16:19.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14502" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-15T15:02:49.330" Score="62" ViewCount="47704" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone tells me that they or their partner are pregnant, my typical response is &quot;Congratulations!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I have found out that this remark is not always appropriate- notably when the pregnancy is unplanned. Sometimes I am informed about the pregnancy via text or online chat so it is harder to get a read on their feeling towards it. In some cases I do not know the person very well either so I do not know if I would expect them to be excited or distressed about the news. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel awkward thinking about asking &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2223/is-it-rude-to-ask-if-a-pregnancy-was-planned&quot;&gt;&quot;Was the pregnancy planned?&quot;&lt;/a&gt; or &quot;How are you feeling about it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specific examples: &lt;br /&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;So I'm pregnant.&quot; / &quot;Oh, congrats!&quot; / &quot;No, not good...&quot; / &quot;Oh...&quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;  &quot;Just found out that I'm pregnant.&quot; / &quot;Oh, congrats!&quot; / &quot;I... I'm not&#xA;  sure what to do.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Oh yeah- (partner's name) is pregnant.&quot; /&#xA;  &quot;Really? Congratulations!&quot; / &quot;...&quot; / &quot;...&quot;&lt;br /&gt; &quot;omg&#xA;  guys im pregnant&quot; / &quot;congrats!!&quot; / &quot;no I'm SO F***ED&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all my personal cases I was not informed prior that the person/couple were &quot;trying for a baby&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is generally a polite or appropriate response when someone informs me of their or their partner's pregnancy if I can't get a read on their emotions?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not sure if it is relevant for context but I am a 24 year old living in America.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2019-07-08T04:33:04.710" LastActivityDate="2019-07-08T04:33:04.710" Title="Appropriate response when someone announces pregnancy?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14503" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-15T15:16:45.760" Score="206" Body="&lt;p&gt;When confronted with news that could either be good or bad, pick the response that is most common. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pregnancies, even unplanned, are normally met with cheer in the US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Congratulate them. That's just &lt;em&gt;expected behavior&lt;/em&gt;. If you're wrong, they will simply tell you how they really feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask if it was planned, it &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; make them feel judged or get demoralized. If it actually was an accident, your congratulations really isn't going to do them harm, as they are probably already stressed enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; This works with all news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if someone informs you that their grandparent died, you respond with comfort for their sadness instead of asking &quot;Oh, did you and your grandparent get along?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When in doubt, go with what's expected in your culture.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T23:58:49.553" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T23:58:49.553" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14505" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14459" CreationDate="2018-05-15T16:41:03.410" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see three goals or your phrasing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Communicate that you have a health problem&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Disclose as little as possible&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Present your request as an opportunity for some to do a good deed, rather than an obligation&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is some conflict between the first two, but if you're going to be asking for favors from other people, it's reasonable to share some information. My suggested phrasing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have a health condition that makes standing difficult. Would you be willing to give up you seat for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T16:41:03.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-15T16:54:40.733" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the other answers do an excellent job of pointing out that any room for improvement on your side is small.  You really didn't do anything wrong, and, while some minor adjustments to your phrasing might have made your interruption slightly more palatable, you certainly weren't rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing not addressed in the other answers (besides seeking escalation to a supervisor, which I think is good advice), however, is dealing with the specific scenario you described: a CSR (customer service representative) who accused you of being rude for interrupting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14501/2185&quot;&gt;David&lt;/a&gt; pointed out, this may have been a deliberate attempt by the CSR to guilt you into being more receptive to a sales pitch.  Or, they may just have honestly felt you were being rude.  In either case, I believe the appropriate response is to &lt;em&gt;point out how rudely you have been treated&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply point out your perspective, which the CSR has obviously lost sight of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I've been very polite considering that I've had to wait on hold nearly half an hour, and now, rather than quickly resolving my issue, I have to put up with you wasting even more of my time.  I understand that you are probably required to do this, but I'm only interested in getting my issue resolved. Calling me rude for being frustrated with poor service only makes me unhappier with your company. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any response that is not fundamentally an apology should be responded to with a polite, but firm, request to speak with a supervisor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T16:54:40.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14507" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14569" CreationDate="2018-05-15T17:21:32.727" Score="10" ViewCount="1138" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a woman of small build (1,60m) and have a rather high pitched voice.&#xA;If asked to estimate my age, people guess me &lt;strong&gt;at least&lt;/strong&gt; 5 years, usually 10 years younger. I am 31, so people guess me at about 20 - 25 years old, which would be the very beginning of a professional carrer.&#xA;I work as a software developer as the only woman among men.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Problem (Capital P)&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People, especially in work and business situations, tend to treat me like an inferior until I can prove my worth (by sharing my knowledge and experiences) or stand my ground in some ridiculous verbal riling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During that initial time, and sometimes long after, people display what I personally call &lt;strong&gt;&quot;parental superior behavior&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;The symptoms include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not asking for my opinion on work-related matters, ignoring my advice&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Interrupting me when I'm speaking&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Generally speaking in a way a parent would speak with their child&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Taking objects out of my hands without asking if I need or even &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; help carrying them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Forwarding tasks that are unpleasant or &quot;below them&quot; to me (like paperwork)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignoring tasks I forwarded to them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &quot;parental superior behavior&quot; has haunted me for all my work life and regularly causes unpleasant situations for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm absolutely convinced that this is not a conscious discrimination, but I certainly feel discriminated. When I address the behavior directly, people tend to laugh embarrassed, but seldom apologise or change their behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I tried so far&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I try to pitch my voice lower, but it puts a strain on my voice and I cannot keep it up for long.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I maintain an upright posture to make the most of my small height.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I avoid &quot;girly&quot; behavior and act professional in work-related situations.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I once tried to discuss the issue directly with my team member, but he did not understand my problem and thought I was being difficult or attention seeking. Our professional relationship has suffered so greatly that it was one of several reasons to change my workplace.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In two weeks I start at a new job. How can I act or speak to prevent this &quot;parental superior behavior&quot; from the very beginning?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For clarification: I do not want to be treated specially or differently from others. I just want to be treated with the same amount of respect as everyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you everyone for your help, especially Daniel, who opend my eyes with his comment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In my experience you tend to see those behaviors in places where roles are not quite clear (modern &quot;flat&quot; hierarchy) and where the is a lot of competition. It´s a matter of establishing dominance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I experienced this kind of behavior, I felt belittled and treated like a child, but I guess that was just the easiest way for someone to establish some kind of dominance over me.&#xA;I think we all remember some bullies from our school days. There never was, is, or will be a person so perfect that someone who &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to bully you won't find a reason to bully you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will take your many advices to heart and be more confident in my interactions with new collegues. And I think I will not take it quite so personally anymore if someone tries to belittle me &lt;em&gt;again&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T18:52:05.083" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T18:52:05.083" Title="How to avoid lack of respect due to perceived youth / lack of experience" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;respect&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14508" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14540" CreationDate="2018-05-15T17:40:43.210" Score="4" ViewCount="598" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently working on a voluntary translation project for a game. We're working in a team of ~5 people per language (3 active translators in our case) in a Smartcat project. However, one of the translators (also, the one that does most of the translating) tends to deliver very poor quality results, i.e. bad grammar, missing punctuation etc., so that I need to go over most of his translations again to fix these errors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question here is: what would be the best way to communicate he might not be the best fit for the job without it coming across as insulting? And should I rather start talking to him or the project coordinator?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's a voluntary job without pay and we can't expect the best quality, however it is still the official translation for the game and it's a game I care deeply about and I want the quality to be as high as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit (I don't have enough reputation to comment yet, so I'm going to have to answer this way) : thank you for the suggestion, but as I am not in any position of authority, the answers from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6880/politely-telling-an-incompetent-software-project-volunteer-they-are-too-inexperi&quot;&gt;Politely telling an incompetent software project volunteer they are too inexperienced&lt;/a&gt; don't really apply to my situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8996" LastEditorUserId="8996" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T18:08:30.440" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T03:25:04.460" Title="Bad work results from voluntary co-worker" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;volunteering&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-15T17:41:56.340" Score="49" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But I have found out that this remark is not always appropriate-&#xA;  notably when the pregnancy is unplanned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, if a person is publicly announcing her pregnancy, she has decided to keep the pregnancy, and almost certainly the baby.  So congratulations are called for.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Never ask if a pregnancy was planned.&lt;/strong&gt;  Just don't do it.  If a person is a close enough friend to you, they might volunteer that information, but you do not ask.  You publicly presume that the pregnancy was wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The major exception to this would be if a minor announced her pregnancy.  There, one has to take into account the likelihood that the baby will be put up for adoption, so you use your judgement if that person really wants congratulations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you really have that many friends who are so close with you, they would disclose an unwanted pregnancy to you, and they would choose to do so over text?  Most people with an unwanted pregnancy would get an abortion, and most would keep it private.  I would think that most people wanting support would seek it face to face,  not over text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastEditorUserId="10208" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T23:25:24.350" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T23:25:24.350" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14459" CreationDate="2018-05-15T17:53:18.090" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I carry a fold-up cane in my backpack, and also a folding cane with a seat (I think in the UK the traditional form of this cane is called a &quot;shooting stick&quot;). Sometimes I need the cane for stability. Sometimes I need the seat-cane to reduce pain by half-way sitting for a minute or two. Either cane works as a kind of signal and legitimator - the cane becomes a visible manifestation of the invisible disability. Unlike some visible manifestations, a folding cane allows you to put it away, in situations in which you don't want to call attention to your condition. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17856" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T17:53:18.090" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14514" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14507" CreationDate="2018-05-15T18:29:54.503" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a similar situation as you. I graduated college a year earlier than most people my age. Also, I look a couple years younger than I am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those factors and the fact that I got a non-entry level position at a large company at 21 put me in a similar situation in which my coworkers were all much older than me (I was mistaken for an intern... for months).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, women don't quite have it as easy as men, especially in the engineering world, so you have multiple obstacles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The objective is the same:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You need to change their perception of you, early.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Work Speaks for Itself&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take on difficult projects. Solve problems that are troubling people. During one of my software design meetings for a project, the older engineers basically talked to each other for ideas, opinions, validation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to double-prove yourself, probably more than what is considered fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When giving your opinion, advice, expertise, be &lt;strong&gt;assertive&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't tell them what you &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt;. Tell them what you &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt;, based on your skill and experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use &lt;strong&gt;assertive tone and structure&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach isn't bad, but I've seen how it can cause problems later down the road. I have an idea that would solve that issue and only cost us an insignificant amount of planning from the beginning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you have some education to provide, act like it. You're educating them. That breaks up the implicit parent-child subconscious situation they have made.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when you're actually doing your work. Do it well. Be a good developer. In the software engineering world, a good developer makes the lives of everyone else a better place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you make other peoples' lives easier, they will respect you more. Do good work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Addressing Task Forwards&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any reasonable manager is not going to approve of you being tossed work you shouldn't be doing. Use it to your advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say you're too busy. You're working on something much more important. Be careful, though, sometimes your team really needs help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; do this work, flaunt it. Coworker doesn't feel like code documentation? Easy, do it for him and make sure say this during your next performance review:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've taken a primary role in ensuring that the software implementation details remain well documented. This ensures that new members are on-boarded much more quickly, saving weeks of work and countless dollars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your coworkers might ask for some of that work back next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Addressing Tasks Not Being Done&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one is simple, and requires no interpersonal techniques. If you forward someone a task, put it in your team/project planning tool or board under their name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is standard practice and your company should be doing it anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you forward a task, you need to make it clear it's not your task anymore. If it doesn't get done, the person it was forwarded to needs to be held accountable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Handling Interruptions&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one is general advice. If you're interrupted, you politely wait until they are done and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;May I finish what I was saying?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say it sternly, with a stern expression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Handling Unwanted &quot;Help&quot;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a woman, you may find that this is just subconscious man-behavior. I wouldn't take this too personally, as it often comes from a nice place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just do the standard politeness-dance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh, you don't have to help with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; It's okay&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; No really, I got it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; I insist!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Well, thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're lucky, maybe they'll get tired of going through that conversation every time they attempt it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, you just have to accept it. There's no way to stop someone from helping you without looking bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T18:29:54.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14515" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-15T18:39:50.293" Score="80" ViewCount="17657" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend is in the process of losing weight, and the topic comes up between us occasionally (at her instigation), usually with a context of &quot;I'm going to be so much hotter in a few months&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's very much doing it for herself, and I don't think there's unhealthy body image stuff attached. From a purely objective standpoint, I can acknowledge that there is room for her to get slimmer without being unhealthy. I, however, being thoroughly enamoured with her, think she's the hottest thing on two legs irrespective of what size dress she wears. I generally express this opinion, but I'm a little worried that it might come across as rubbishing something that she's doing for herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to express either &quot;you shouldn't lose weight&quot; or &quot;you'd be hotter if you did lose weight&quot; - I think she's gorgeous, and I think she'll still be gorgeous if she lost some weight. It makes no difference to me, and it's her body anyway, I have no say in the matter even if I did have an opinion. How do I respond when she brings up the topic, so that it doesn't come across like I'm either being unsupportive of her efforts or telling her she needs to lose weight? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17860" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T18:29:12.883" Title="How to discuss girlfriend's weight loss plans?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14515" CreationDate="2018-05-15T18:55:20.967" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a very similar situation in my relationship where my SO is trying to better themselves despite me thinking they're already perfect. My advice for you is to get excited and stay encouraging! When discussing this, focus on the benefits for &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;, not yourself--that's the reason she's doing this after all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, try asking if she has any goals (or if she doesn't, it could be fun to set some!). Is it fitting a certain size of jeans or a certain swimsuit? Or maybe it's a weight number. Once you know what she's working towards, you can specifically mention this when discussing her plans:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm excited to see you in those jeans, I know you'll make them in no time if you keep this up!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or even compliment her on what you've seen her doing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't believe you already ran X miles this week—you're kicking butt!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't overthink this. If she's decided to do this, then she has her own reasons and as the SO, the best thing you can do is push her forward!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T18:43:44.567" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T18:43:44.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14515" CreationDate="2018-05-15T18:56:47.157" Score="77" Body="&lt;p&gt;This subject is interesting. I'm going to assume your girlfriend's personality suggests that she isn't too sensitive about this stuff given the information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Objectively, &lt;strong&gt;anyone who can healthily lose weight, &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; lose weight if the goal is overall health.&lt;/strong&gt; (Even slight variations of weight have medically-proven effects on health and lifespan) [1]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please, do not ever tell anyone that they &lt;em&gt;shouldn't&lt;/em&gt; lose weight, barring serious medical concerns (and never tell anyone, especially your girlfriend, that they &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; lose weight, either). [2]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your viewpoint is healthy, so don't be ashamed of it. Embrace it. Personally, I think you have the right idea, you're just having trouble expressing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm going to be so much hotter!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; get any hotter I think I'll melt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like this expresses your opinions of her currently, without telling her that she should or shouldn't continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also mention something positive to ensure that she knows how you feel. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's awesome that you want to be healthier, and I'm proud of you either way, and [insert gushy comment about how pretty she &lt;em&gt;currently&lt;/em&gt; is]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, the less you mention weight, the better. If I were in this situation, I'd keep it in the context of health. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Non communication tips that might help:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be supportive with your &lt;em&gt;actions&lt;/em&gt;. Eat healthy with her. Go to the gym with her. A team effort shows that you're on her side no matter what.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[1] I'm not suggesting you should be modifying your weight if you are at your normal healthy weight for your build. I'm saying that anything other than average weight is not ideal. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/04/03/522475728/carrying-some-extra-pounds-may-not-be-good-after-all&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/04/03/522475728/carrying-some-extra-pounds-may-not-be-good-after-all&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[2] Please do not mistake my suggestion on weight loss comments to come from a medical point of view. There &lt;strong&gt;are&lt;/strong&gt; people who &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to lose weight and there are people who &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to gain weight. If the problem is immediately-life-or-serious-harm-threatening, it's okay to speak up. If not, I recommend leaving it to the doctors or go to medical school because otherwise it's not really your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T22:24:49.693" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T22:24:49.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14518" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-15T19:36:56.487" Score="1" ViewCount="1138" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; My parents have recently changed to a vegan diet. They've discovered a lot of books, websites, and videos providing scientifically-backed reasons to eat only plant-based foods, and cut out animal products entirely. Since becoming vegans, both my parents feel great. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A family we are best friends with is heavily into nutrition. They have a huge focus on removing toxins from their diet, which can be traced back to causing a lot of health problems. They are very knowledgeable about this field. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm excited about eating better. The trouble is that the friends I mentioned above don't believe in vegan-ism. They think the idea that foods like milk, eggs, and organic grass-fed meat are bad for you, is laughable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really respect the knowledge these people have in the field of nutrition. They know a lot of stuff, and they've applied it to their own lives. But they disagree with the idea of going vegan. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal:&lt;/strong&gt; I would like to reconcile the discrepancies between the science-backed pro- and anti-vegan information I've discovered. On one side there are doctors and nutritional experts saying all animal products are bad for you for a host of reasons. On the other side are my best friends - who, though not professionally, really are nutritional experts all the same - saying that not eating animal products is a bunch of baloney. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simplest way I see to reconcile these differences is to show my friends the evidence we've found, and have them explain to me why it is faulty or correct. &lt;strong&gt;I'm not trying to convert them.&lt;/strong&gt; I'm just trying to understand for myself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem:&lt;/strong&gt; My dad doesn't want me to do this. I've brought up my desire to show our friends the evidence and have them explain it to us, and his reply is always the same: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;They don't want to hear it; I don't want to force it on them. I don't want you to bring it up.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no transition in the conversation. Whenever I mention it, he shuts me down with more or less that exact line. The problem here is that I don't think he understands what I want to do. I'm not trying to convince anyone, I'm just trying to understand myself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they really didn't want to hear about it, that would be one thing, but I've seen nothing to suggest that. In fact, they bring it up themselves from time to time. However, trying to explain this and/or what I really want to do gets me nowhere with my dad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad isn't really the kind of person you can have a logical debate with. You can try, but once you run into something he disagrees with, he starts getting invested in it. If you keep pushing, he starts jumping to conclusions about what you are saying (&quot;So you want to do __?!?&quot;), which normally isn't what I'm saying at all. If I keep pushing, he just shuts me down, saying he doesn't want to hear it, or acting like I'm being stubborn and talking won't solve anything. This makes trying to explain something to him - something which he disagrees with - nearly impossible. Unless there's another method. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that's really what I'm asking: &lt;strong&gt;How can I explain something to someone who assumes I mean something else, and just shuts me down?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this question is about my dad, and not the friends. The friends don't believe in veganism, but they aren't trying to stop us either, and there's no pressure to convert them. Rather, this question is about how I can talk to my dad so he'll &lt;strong&gt;understand&lt;/strong&gt; what I'm saying, and what I want to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Please note that this is not a question about veganism, but a question about how to explain something to someone who doesn't want to hear it.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5444" LastEditorUserId="5444" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T21:49:37.853" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T23:08:38.410" Title="How can I explain something to someone who doesn't want to hear it?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-15T22:46:17.567" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14519" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14322" CreationDate="2018-05-15T19:38:18.300" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, the people you are with are trying to be nice and include you in the group (group of friends, group of colleagues, group of alcohol drinking people). Just declining their offer has a negative tint to it - they are trying to be nice but you won't let them be nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best option is to give your decline a positive tint by offering a different way to be nice than giving you an alcoholic drink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, do you want a drink?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks, but I don't feel like having a beer. A water would be nice, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Man, you haven't touched a beer all evening&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like the taste of &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;your current drink&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt; better and I want to have fun with you without being hungover tomorrow&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next options are little lies (or maybe not lies, depends on you) that no one can argue with. Again, target for a positive outcome instead of a neutral decline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always get grumpy / sleepy when I drink. The party is so much fun, I don't want to dampen the mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alcohol gives me heartburn. I'd rather enjoy the evening with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid a question like that in advance, you could have a drink that &lt;em&gt;looks&lt;/em&gt; like it's alcoholic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's quite common to mix a Coce or some energy drink with varous types of alcohol, so having a non-alcoholic versions of them is less noticable. Many locations also offer non-alcoholic coctails, if you like the taste of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T19:38:18.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14518" CreationDate="2018-05-15T20:21:12.233" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best outcome you can hope for is to get them to agree to disagree, Or at least respect the choices being made. Some people need to eat vegan due to health issues like gout, others chose it for a more social justice aspect. You can find just as many journals that support veganism as there are for journals that support organic meats and animal products.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that being said, the conversations you have with friends is yours to choose. Maybe your father is afraid that you will say something wrong and your family loses good friends. He feels it's better to just not talk about it than to have open discussion (which is a growing cultural issue... but I digress).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They say asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission. I don't know the situation, but if you feel like you can reach out to your friend and have a civil open conversation where you guys can come to a mutual agreement about your life choices then, go for it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect based on your portrayal of your dad, that he has tried but due to his nature, failed at talking about it and feels like if he can't talk to them then you can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So again, if you feel like you can bridge the gap, then Show your dad that you were able to get through to them so that they can at least understand your family choices. Maybe your dad will be upset, maybe he will admit it worked, but nothing happens when dialogue is cut off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, the other side is, if they don't want to hear it, no words of gold can get them to. This is why I think actions will speak louder than words. The person has to be able to accept the words you are saying if you want them to understand what you are saying. Otherwise, you are just talking in the wind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&#xA;Some ways you can get your dad to maybe ease up is to spend a day with them if this is something you regularly do. Go have a beer, go fishing, go hiking, go to an arcade or play cards. Whatever it is you guys enjoy together, and then maybe throw in something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Dad, I think it's really cool you guys made the choice to be&#xA;  healthier. It has made me really curious about eating right as well.&#xA;  Would you mind if I did some of my own research? I don't quite fully&#xA;  understand what these findings imply and I would love to be able to&#xA;  have someone to discuss nutrition with. Since the XXXX are really&#xA;  smart with nutrition, I really would like the chance to talk to them&#xA;  so that we can discuss my curiosity in food science. I am not asking&#xA;  them to approve our lifestyle choice, and nor am I looking to debate&#xA;  them. I simply wish to get a deeper understanding from someone I&#xA;  accept as being knowledgeable and I hope that's okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-05-15T22:49:40.577" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T22:49:40.577" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-15T20:39:27.373" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's someone that you're fairly close with, and especially if you have an inkling that they may not have wanted a baby (e.g. they have expressed distaste for children in the past), you could punctuate with a question mark: &lt;strong&gt;Congratulations?&lt;/strong&gt; or &lt;strong&gt;Congratulations?!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This allows them to segue into how they feel about it, so you can find out and they won't feel judged by a cheery response when in fact they meant to tell you that they don't want to keep the baby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;** Disclaimer: I am a female in my early 20's in the United States and I believe this response wouldn't offend any of my friends who are my age. It may not be appropriate for people who are more mature or formal in the way they act.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17863" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T20:39:27.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14523" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-15T20:45:05.387" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually say &quot;Pardon me, I'm on a cell phone and I'm worried the connection will drop.  Let's focus on my immediate problem &lt;strong&gt;while we still have a connection&lt;/strong&gt;.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also has the merit of being true.  I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; on a cell phone, and my carrier &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; top tier (which would be Verizon or AT&amp;amp;T here). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I use that as an excuse to shove aside distractions like that.  &quot;Can we talk about this credit card offer?&quot;  -- &quot;Hold on, are we totally wrapped up and done with the card replacement?  My phone could drop at any time.&quot;  &quot;Yes, that is complete.&quot;  &quot;Okay then.&quot;  &quot;Sure, this new card has a 27.4% int--&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then sure enough, my cell connection drops.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I probably need a better carrier&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T20:45:05.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14324" CreationDate="2018-05-15T21:40:05.833" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have always felt that being direct and communicating how I feel is the best approach. How can I communicate to either Max or Stephanie so that they know how I feel, with the expectation that they tone down the flirtatious behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of respecting personal boundaries is allowing others to set expectations for their own behavior. I recommend you communicate your feelings to Max without trying to set expectations for his behavior. He is responsible for his actions, but not for your feelings. Putting that responsibility on him only builds emotional debt and toxicity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is the current situation. Max’s company just offered a new position. He told me about it and it sounded amazing but I couldn’t quit my current job. Stephanie found out about it and she applied. Now Max is helping her prep for the interview and I think she is going to get the job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This really upset me. It upset me much more than it should have. I trust Max completely and I respect his friendship with Stephanie but the idea of them spending all day everyday together at work makes me feel uncomfortable and I don’t like it. &lt;strong&gt;The thing is I have no idea what I can do to make myself more okay with the situation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend figuring out specifically what parts of the situation give you the unease. The only part that has to do with you specifically is that you could not quit your current job to take the new one, so I recommend evaluating your feelings on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17865" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T21:40:05.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-15T22:41:32.877" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Rather than ask if the pregnancy was planned, perhaps explicitly ask, &quot;Is this good news?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I are happily married, and had one child. One evening when this child was about 13 months old, my wife comes out of the bathroom sobbing hysterically. When she's finally capable of speech, she announces that she's pregnant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were planning on waiting two years or so before even trying for a second one (by the way, she was on birth control and hadn't missed a day, so if you ever find yourself asking, &quot;How does that happen to people?&quot;, just know that it does). Now that the second baby is almost a year old he's the happiest, most wonderful, most chill baby ever and we can't imagine life without him. But the initial shock that we were going to have children less than two years apart (two children in diapers...yikes) was a little overwhelming, so the news was not, strictly speaking, &quot;good&quot;, and if anyone asked something akin to that question, our answers varied depending on the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel there's no implicit judgment in the question, and it lets them set the tone for how the news should be received if they have not done so already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10744" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T22:41:32.877" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14532" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14518" CreationDate="2018-05-15T23:08:38.410" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question as asked:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a variety of techniques I learned as a high school debater that might help, but these are things for &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; to do. Your goal is to &lt;em&gt;communicate effectively&lt;/em&gt;, which involves you appreciating and accounting for your father's idiosyncrasies and preferences. You want the conversation to happen, so it's on you to keep things focused, on-track, and framed in a way your father will accept. When someone really doesn't want to have a conversation with you, they can pounce on &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; misstep, real or imagined, you make to derail and end the conversation. That is, after all, their preferred outcome anyhow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, the key is &lt;strong&gt;focus.&lt;/strong&gt; If you know in advance what you want to express (or learn) you can examine comments, evidence, and points of discussion and assess if they are: on topic (does this tie directly back to what you want to express or learn?), precisely expressed (you express what you want to express, not more, not less, even by implication), and logically consistent with other standing comments (inconsistencies tend to prompt arguments and distract from your main points).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In cases where you are invariably shut down without conversation (as you describe in the question), you can ask why your father is assuming the things he assumes. You can't make him answer, but a question like &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Why are you so certain they would be upset to talk about this?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; refocuses away from your goals and towards the reason your father doesn't want to discuss the matter. It's an extra step, but figuring out why he doesn't want to hear it would be a huge help in figuring out how, specifically, to engage him. I can't speculate much on that score because I don't know him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to summarize and compare the evidence for and against veganism, then mentioning your friends is already off-topic. Even if the friends are very knowledgeable and convenient for discussion they are hardly the only source for information on the non-pro-vegan stance. If you bring them up every time you try to have this discussion with your father, it suggests that you are more interested in talking &lt;em&gt;to them&lt;/em&gt; than in your stated goal of improving your own understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want specifically to talk to your friends, you'll need a clear reason why they need to be involved to improve your understanding and a persuasive way to demonstrate that you won't be evangelical about veganism (intentionally or otherwise). These are your stated goals, and it will help if you have a plan for how the things you want to do will support those goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Extra Comment&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not exactly an answer to the question, so I've separated it out from the rest. From what you've written, I am skeptical of your intentions and approach. A comment like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to reconcile the discrepancies between the science-backed pro- and anti-vegan information I've discovered. On one side there are doctors and nutritional experts saying all animal products are bad for you for a host of reasons. On the other side are my best friends - who, though not professionally, really are nutritional experts all the same - saying that not eating animal products is a bunch of baloney.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This presentation implies an agenda on your part, whether you intended it or not. Saying that the pro-vegan side has doctors and nutritionists with a clear conclusion on all animal products and the non-pro-vegan side has &quot;your friends&quot; who are informally knowledgeable is pretty lopsided. Plus you apparently already have the information (you've discovered it, per your description), so it's not clear to me what more you expect your friends to add.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also not hard for me to see why the whole approach you've outlined might raise some red flags. If you want to &quot;reconcile the differences&quot; in the arguments you've heard, that suggests a debate, however casual, with a clear &quot;winner&quot; (the side with points still standing after the reconciliation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you'll have a hard time convincing people that this is really only about your personal curiosity no matter what, as a lot of people have dealt with at least one pushy vegan-evangelist at some point in their lives. This adds extra difficulty to getting someone to have a discussion with you on this topic even beyond any general difficult-to-engage characteristics they may have. It means extra work, some probably unfair to you, for you to address their presumptions. But if you want to talk when they don't, you'll have to accommodate them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-05-15T23:08:38.410" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-16T00:14:30.037" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’d suggest the reply “Can I congratulate?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s a question, but it is often used as a statement ( a rhetoric question). It gives the other person the chance to say “no” without being awkward. It’s better than asking “is that good news” because it doesn’t state an expectation that it might be bad news. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T00:14:30.037" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14535" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14585" CreationDate="2018-05-16T01:00:41.550" Score="62" ViewCount="18861" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am involved in a polyamorous relationship. Currently my wife has both a husband (me) and a boyfriend. We like to go out for normal &quot;couple&quot; type activities like dinner dates, movies, and attending public events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple times a month we run into a person who knows one of us, but doesn't know about our relationship. We are open about this relationship, so when introductions are made I typically say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah, this is my wife Mrs. X! And this is her boyfriend Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems to put many people in an awkward situation. They aren't sure how to respond or what is appropriate. Often times they seem embarrassed (perhaps for themselves or for on our behalf) and find a quick way to leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we make this introduction more inviting to our friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One approach would be not to recognize one of the relationships:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah, this is my wife Mrs.X! And this is Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, doing so feels disrespectful to their relationship, which is important to all three of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17874" LastEditorUserId="17874" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T23:34:58.667" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T22:32:11.817" Title="How to introduce metamours without causing awkwardness?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;polyamory&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14536" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14535" CreationDate="2018-05-16T01:13:11.447" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're in the mood to explain, I would do your normal introduction&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is my wife X and her boyfriend Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I would explain that you are in a polyamorous relationship. If the person you are talking to doesn't know what that is, explain it to them. Depending on how open you are, you can even encourage them to ask questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my gay transgender friends does a similar song and dance, explaining he is both a transman (female-to-male) and gay (into other men). Some people get it and accept it right away. Some take a while. Others never accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, you might be stuck doing this until knowledge of polyamorous relationships spread more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T01:13:11.447" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14538" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14508" CreationDate="2018-05-16T01:49:24.447" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why is voluntary related to quality? You would only expect incompetent people to volunteer? (Isn't the point of volunteering to provide excellent quality without the cost?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to tell the person is to get them to do it. Ask the person &quot;Please do a short self-evaluation for me. Tell me your strengths, where you want improvement, and what tasks are most appealing for you. Rate yourself 1 to ten.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14046" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T01:49:24.447" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14540" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14508" CreationDate="2018-05-16T03:25:04.460" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mention that this translator does the bulk of the work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, one of the translators (also, the one that does most of the translating) tends to deliver very poor quality results&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible that his translations are suffering through simply trying to get through them too quickly? Of course quantity doesn't make up for quality, but the workload seems poorly distributed if one translator out of 3 is doing the majority of the work. Perhaps you could say something along the lines of: &lt;strong&gt;Hey [fellow translator], you don't need to translate x amount every day. We're not on a time crunch, so you can take your time and ensure the translation is of the best possible quality.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, as @Gaultheria noted, it may be that this translator is most familiar with the game's original language, and you are more familiar with the language it's being translated to. In that case you may want to set up a more formal two pass system so that he's more of a translator and you're more of an editor. That way you won't have to feel like you're picking up his slack, and it improves the quality of the translation because nothing will slip through your corrections.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, &lt;strong&gt;it's best to address the translator directly&lt;/strong&gt; to understand the situation and give feedback. If he responds poorly, then you can escalate to the project coordinator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17879" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T03:25:04.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-16T04:38:43.370" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;I remembered something a friend said when another friend was announcing their partner's pregnancy and I think it is an alternative to &quot;Congratulations!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is big news&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be said in a tone to match the other person- with excitement or with concern. If it is unclear, it can be said as a neutral statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I agree that in &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; cases it is still appropriate to congratulate them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T04:38:43.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-16T05:27:23.733" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you're wanting an easy out. Instead of allowing the focus of the conversation to be on your emotions/response, redirect it to the person or couple who is pregnant. Simply ask: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Are you excited?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; (if you think they'll be happy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Is this recent news?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; (not going to get anywhere, but stalling questions will give more time and content to read their emotions).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Are you okay? Tired? Hungry? Sick?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; (More so focuses on things that occur during pregnancy, this is about as neutral as it gets).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;How are you feeling/How does it feel?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; (if you think they'll be unhappy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing this you don't have to give a response until they answer, because the conversational focus is now directed on what the pregnant person feels towards the pregnancy. This is an easy out and will mean you can sympathise with whatever their response will be (negative or positive).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: Generally if someone not that close is telling you that their pregnant, it's safe to assume that they're happy about their pregnancy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17883" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T05:27:23.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14535" CreationDate="2018-05-16T05:54:56.300" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;Straight out saying &quot;Ah, this is my wife Mrs. X! And this is her boyfriend Y.&quot; is only going to evoke awkwardness and/or negative thoughts from third-parties. That statement is a huge &lt;em&gt;BANG&lt;/em&gt; to the typical dweller of the Western society we all live in, used to monogamous relationships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Introducing them with a:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is my wife X, and this is Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;without the 'her boyfriend' just avoids any unnecessary complications as many people will just stop at that. However, if the person asks something between the lines of &quot;Oh, is Y a friend of yours, or maybe relative?&quot;, you can go with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, no, we have sort of a special/peculiar/different relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not willing to go into further detail, try to be vague, accurately vague as to make it explictly implicit that you don't want to continue the topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if the person insists, you make it clear that you are starting an actual explanation and continues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you ever heard of polyamorous relationships? [Yes] So, blah, blah... so we three blah, blah... Simply put, X is my wife, I am her husband and Y is her boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 'Have you ever heard of polyamorous relationships?' helps here because the person already starts the conversation with a more familiar image in her head, leading to less or no shock.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;QUESTION:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't indicate that OP is aware with and ok that their wife has a boyfriend and the wife then engages in a public display of affection with the boyfriend, you've now created a situation where people are left unsure whether to report this potential infidelity to the OP. How would you suggest dealing with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;ANSWER:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other two are not mere dolls/NPC's just doing what they are 'programmed' to do. If OP is introducing them, they are obviously present, so the two must be aware of the situation and will therefore try to prevent confusion. However, if the two display affection and OP is not present; well, that's unavoidable, since OP will definitely not explain his preferences to every and each of his acquaintances. If someone walks to him and say 'X is cheating you with Y', it should be made explicit that he is polyamorous so that others don't think he is being cucked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is indeed true that some acquaintance of OP might walk by and see X and Y alone in a date. That can be avoided if OP just skip to step 3 (the third blockquote/yellow strip/yellow line) everytime, but that would be very tiring to do. It would mitigate the misunderstanding, but not by a large extent, since, by probability, there are more acquaintances of two people in common (OP and X) then three (OP and X and Y). A person who is acquainted with OP and X might see X and Y in a date, and OP would not be able to do anything about the aprehension the passing person might feel, as he didn't even get the chance to explain himself on the grounds that the individual doesn't even know Y in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, it is worthier to just do step1 -&gt; step2 -&gt; step3 always if OP is not feeling like spending too much energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12404" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T22:32:11.817" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T22:32:11.817" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14546" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14547" CreationDate="2018-05-16T06:20:53.787" Score="1" ViewCount="426" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 21 years old and a college student. I found I became accustomed to being calm all the time, and, seldom be angry(at least from appearance). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it beneficial for an interpersonal relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17885" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T06:44:35.970" Title="Should I always keep calm no matter how others violate me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-05-16T06:56:07.170" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14547" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14546" CreationDate="2018-05-16T06:44:35.970" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short answer: Yes, it's beneficial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Slightly more nuanced answer: Yes, most of the time with a couple of exceptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's great as long as you can express your true feelings as well. If the only way to remain calm is to ignore every comment and bottle up any negative emotion it will at some point go wrong. You'll either no longer be able to cope with the emotions you don't want to express (out of fear you'll nog longer remain calm) or the people around you could see you as indifferent/emotionless about everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you are able to express your anger/sadness/... in a calm way you're way better off than someone who can't remain calm that easily.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Otherwise it's fine to shout every once in a while when someone really got on your nerves about something, as long as you calm down afterwards and explain why they should not do/say what they did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T06:44:35.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14535" CreationDate="2018-05-16T07:19:02.830" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no guarantee that things won't be awkward. What you can do however is signal that you don't expect the situation to be awkward. By doing this you will place social pressure on the people you're talking with to not be the ones to make things awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to make the introduction of your metamoures feel like just another introduction is to make it just another introduction. Try to match your cadence so that saying &quot;This is my wife and her boyfriend&quot; is said the same way as how you would introduce your wife and her (platonic) friend. It's less about the specifics of what you say but how you say it. If you try to quickly change the subject, or pause and wait to see how people respond, people will pick up on that deviation from the normal flow of a conversation and assume that the deviation is relevant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how out you want to be you can also prime people in advance by talking about your metamoures &lt;em&gt;when it's conversationally relevant&lt;/em&gt;. This will spread the potential awkwardness out, but it will make any introductions you make after the fact a non event since there isn't any revelation when introducing them. All that's happening then is just putting a name to a face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T21:29:23.683" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T21:29:23.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14515" CreationDate="2018-05-16T07:41:54.600" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think she's gorgeous, and I think she'll still be gorgeous if she lost some weight. It makes no difference to me,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time you state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;From a purely objective standpoint, I can acknowledge that there is room for her to get slimmer without being unhealthy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I actually disagree that this implies &quot;she's not doing it for me&quot;.  That it does not change that she is first choice for you actually means that she is not trying to effect a change on your choice but rather on how happy she feels you can be about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So likely the right frame of mind is &quot;I cannot imagine right now being more infatuated with you than I am but are certainly open to let myself be surprised&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in some manners it can turn out like interior decoration: you cannot really imagine assigning any significance to it but when getting to live with its results, one has to acknowledge that it does actually make a difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So keep your mind open about being impressed and don't sabotage her efforts by closing your mind to the possibility of being appreciative of the results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me personally it's not as much the result of dieting (when starting from reasonable size that is) but of exercise that's most relevant: I like touching something feeling alive, and basic musculature does that job better than either fat or bones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again: nothing wrong by letting your tastes be led by who you chose to embrace anyway, but be open about appreciating changes even if they don't aim to change your choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17890" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T07:41:54.600" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14459" CreationDate="2018-05-16T08:31:12.637" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;On a really crowded train last year I had been standing for about 20 minutes when I suddenly felt really ill, like I was about to be sick. I turned to the person next to me and said &quot;sorry, I'm suddenly feeling really sick can I grab that seat&quot; and they immediately moved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a minute or two I felt better. I would have offered to swap back but the train was just coming into the station so I just said thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is that you don't need to be specific. Just be polite and say &quot;I'm sorry - I'm recovering from an injury/disabled/unwell and need to sit, can I get that seat please&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bigger potential problem actually comes if you are sitting and someone with a visible reason for the seat asks you to give it up. That's a rare circumstance but I've seen people with invisible disabilities get harassed for using disabled facilities so it can happen. In that case having some form of &quot;proof&quot; such as a disabled badge can be very helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of public transport has specific seats set aside for priority passengers, at least in the uk, and also offer ways to show your need. For example:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.southernrailway.com/travel-information/travel-help/priority-seat-card&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.southernrailway.com/travel-information/travel-help/priority-seat-card&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even when not traveling on that specific train company just having the card helps you show that you have a genuine need and are not just blagging it. Try looking for similar schemes for transport companies in your location.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3207" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T08:31:12.637" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-16T08:55:21.330" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There aren't any interpersonal skills at play here.  The rep is following a script; from your perspective, that script is a maze, and your job is to get to the end as efficiently as possible.  If they tell you that you're being rude when you interrupt their offerings, that's because it's in the script.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask to speak to a supervisor three times.&lt;/strong&gt;  I've never encountered a situation in which it doesn't work.  The first two times, they'll discourage you from speaking to a supervisor.  They may even tell you there aren't any supervisors, they're all busy, or your case doesn't qualify.  Ignore it; each time, ask to speak to a supervisor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works for automated systems, too.  No matter what the system tells you to do, ask to speak to a support rep.  You can interrupt most of them mid-sentence, rather than waiting for a prompt.  It'll take 3-4 times.  It'll tell you that there's no way you can speak to a rep without providing specific information first.  It's lying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17893" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T08:55:21.330" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14507" CreationDate="2018-05-16T09:01:48.723" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Clay07g's answer already addresses many things you can do once you have the job, under the assumption that you can eventually convince your colleagues to reduce their sexist bias by working twice as hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this assumption doesn't always hold, and also that working twice as hard is exhausting. So another strategy is to pick a place to work that doesn't have as many sexist idiots*). Sorry if that isn't easy - I just thought it should be mentioned because it saves you a lot of trouble later on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the application process, take a good look at the work environment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to gauge the male:female ratio. You can also ask for the ratio during your interview. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take note in what jobs the women work (only HR and reception?), and how their colleagues treat them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Watch out how often your future colleagues interrupt you during the interview. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask about how the work is organised - if work is assigned and managed transparently (e.g. in an issue tracker, as assignments written down on a whiteboard, etc.), it's much easier to collect statistics and then point out to your (future) boss how frequently you get the menial tasks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The more chaotic and ad-hoc the workflow is, the more likely it is for colleagues to fall back on their unconscious biases and discriminate against you. If people are stressed out and busy, they get less considerate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use the application process to select yourself out of sexist environments...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you've got the job, another strategy is to dress (somewhat) like the men - to align yourself with what the stereotypical software dev looks like. See also: &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/30533/is-there-a-dress-code-for-women-in-software-industry/30557#30557&quot;&gt;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/30533/is-there-a-dress-code-for-women-in-software-industry/30557#30557&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*) I'm saying sexist idiots because the behaviour you describe is way beyond unintentional carelessness. That's no way to treat a colleague even if she is a 15-year-old intern with no clue about whatever she's supposed to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T09:01:48.723" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14535" CreationDate="2018-05-16T09:27:15.180" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Plenty of people are uncomfortable with polyamorous relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your primary goal is to avoid awkwardness, the best approach is probably to just introduce them by name without any mention of the specifics of your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would avoid only mentioning &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; of the relationships, as this might make the other person feel neglected (unless they agreed to this beforehand).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is X and this is Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A common response to this might be &quot;how do you know each other&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This pretty much puts you back where you started, but this way you at least &lt;em&gt;sometimes&lt;/em&gt; avoid the awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some public displays of affection between the three of you might help avoid this response, since people tend to avoid questions they don't want the answer to. As long as it's mild (e.g. hand-holding, light touching that some could interpret as platonic), this might be less awkward for them than giving the specifics, as that leaves some ambiguity. Admittedly this might not work if you're not intimate with both of them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Changing the subject right away would likely avoid this response (but this may just lead to you being asked the question later instead).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If asked how you know each other, you can take your pick of the other answers.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T09:37:29.823" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T09:37:29.823" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14555" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14561" CreationDate="2018-05-16T09:55:58.233" Score="8" ViewCount="834" Body="&lt;p&gt;During a course on interpersonal skills, we did several exercises to help us assess our own abilities. I realised that while I do fine with assessing mood, reaction and engagement in one-on-one conversations, I struggle in group settings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trainer called this &quot;reading a room&quot; but wasn't able to offer any advice about how to develop these skills from one-on-one observations to assessing a larger group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I experimented with looking around the room during a role-play conversation, with the permission of the person I was working with. This upset them as I wasn't paying them enough attention during the conversation, and I believe their reaction was justified. I was also resorting to looking at one person after another, which in a large group will take a long time - much longer than most people take to 'read a room'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I most notice trouble in situations where I don't know people very well, such as arriving at a party where I only know one or two people, or attending work meetings with other teams. It's often around a dozen people: any fewer than that and I can get by with looking at people individually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's assume that I'm arriving at a party, where there are a dozen or so people in a room, and I only know 1 or 2 of them. What are some tips and advice for quickly performing a shallow assessment of that room: their mood, group dynamics, or tension? What should I look for and prioritise? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7781" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T13:23:06.553" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T15:03:10.463" Title="How to &quot;Read a room&quot; and quickly perform an assessment of the mood, group dynamics or tension?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14515" CreationDate="2018-05-16T10:36:34.657" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Weight is a touchy subject. My partner and I have both varied our weight quite a bit over the past 10 years or so and over that time we have both been sensitive in our self image.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have learned is that it is much much better to focus on &lt;em&gt;health&lt;/em&gt; than looks. Since you don't mind either way, you can emphasize that you like how she is now while still being supportive of her health. Even though weight and health are tied together (it's possible to be unhealthily over/under weight), it's also possible to be a healthy weight and have an unhealthy food lifestyle or an unhealthy relationship with food. The number on the scale is &lt;em&gt;just a number&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's so great that you're focusing on being healthy and I really appreciate that. The number on the scale doesn't matter so much to me as long as you are looking after yourself!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, in addition to sufficient compliments/gushing on her current looks will give her support in the right direction and still allow you to compliment her all you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorDisplayName="user6818" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T10:53:44.883" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T10:53:44.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-16T13:28:36.670" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would first underline the importance of the news with &quot;&lt;strong&gt;that is big news!&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; which is a neutral affirmation followed by focusing on the persons feeling &quot;&lt;strong&gt;How do you feel about it?&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&#xA;So with this, you take notice of the importance and also you are being emphatic without being inappropriate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17904" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T13:28:36.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14561" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14555" CreationDate="2018-05-16T13:45:54.027" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: There is no time upon entering a party to assess all the people there, unless you're among the first 3 or 4 people to arrive. Use the occasional glance around the room to remain aware of your surroundings, but focus the deeper reading on the people that you're interacting with.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This upset them as I wasn't paying them enough attention during the conversation, and I believe their reaction was justified. I was also resorting to looking at one person after another, which in a large group will take a long time - much longer than most people take to 'read a room'.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just like you, I've had social skills training, and just like yours, mine taught me to read the other person, but never reading an entire room. Here's what I've come to realise over the years though, based on that training:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When in a group, you lack the amount of time you have in a one-on-one conversation to keep judging the mood, reactions and engagement of a single person. Even in a one-on-one conversation this time is limited, in a group setting even more so. &lt;strong&gt;The bigger the group, the less attention you can give each individual, and the more you'll have to go on a sample of the reactions around you.&lt;/strong&gt; Spending time looking at each individual closely will mean that you're distracted from the conversation at hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When entering a new room, full of people, there also isn't time to stand in the doorframe closely observing over a dozen people.&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;http://tamaramccleary.com/social-communication-101/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This website&lt;/a&gt;, written by someone that claims to have over 10 years of experience in training other people's social skills, states:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;look at the setting, take some time to observe and make mental notes. Resist the temptation to jump into a conversation right away (or conversely run from the room in terror).  On the other hand you don’t want to appear as a wallflower disinterested in connecting.  Some questions to ask yourself include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is going on around you non-verbally?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What are people doing?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What’s the mood?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are you entering a conversation that’s already been going on?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What’s the topic of discussion?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Who are the players?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And remember, you've only got a few moments to do that upon entering a room. Now, the best way to go by this information, as I've come to realise, is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1.) A quick glance around the room to pick up the 'high level' non-verbal clues and a sense of what people are doing.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, when entering a room, look around that room, take just a glance at everybody. Don't worry about it yet, just register where people are sitting and where the free seats are, how many people there are and what they're generally doing. Are they sitting and listening to someone, or telling a story to which multiple others are listening? Is everyone looking at you, standing in the entrnace? What sounds are coming from the room? Angry shouting is probably bad, laughter and smiling faces sounds good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, in The Netherlands, the first move you make at a birthday party is a meet and greet with the host. Take some time to shake their hand, congratulate them, present them with their gift and exchange some pleasantries. Try and read their mood, are they happy because the party is going well? Cast a glance around the room, and focus on your host again (maybe when they're unwrapping their present?). Repeat as needed (and as time allows) for a few times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/how-to-read-room&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This site&lt;/a&gt; gives some nice pointers on what you could look for when entering a room, and what those non-verbal clues might mean, as well as some guidance on the best ways to engage the group. There's different ways for different readings of rooms, I'm going to continue with a happy, fun birthday party, such as described by the last point on that website.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Try to pick up what's going on around you non-verbally, in the most global sense.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2.) Focus on the conversation/discussion that is going on already, take a seat and take some time to understand what is being talked about, and how.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on the people talking first, identify the players. Read their mood, their reactions and engagement in the conversation. The great thing about groups is that they probably won't be talking all at once. Sit down, listen, and observe the closest person to you that's talking, and then the ones that are responding. Observe on a person by person base, just like in a one-on-one conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I've experienced at birthday parties, if there's more than a dozen people there's likely to be several subgroups having several conversations, try to just focus on one for the moment. If it helps, it may be easiest to pick the one subgroup that has that person you already know. This will free up some 'processing power', as you don't have to worry about reading everyone, but only a few people at a time. If two or three people are having a pleasant conversation, you know enough and it should help you feel comfortable enough to chime in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Identify who's talking, what they're talking about and how they're talking about that, just like you would in a one-on-one conversation with a person&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3.) Reading while participating in the group.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After having a gotten a quick impression of the room, it's time to participate. Otherwise, you'll end up as in your experiment: On the sidelines of the conversation, with people thinking you're not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's not a lot of conversation going on, and you notice people seeing you when you walk in, a round of introductions to at least these people does work nicely. If people are so busy having their conversations that they don't really notice, pick up a chair, listen, and at an appropriate time cut in with a remark of your own (&lt;em&gt;make sure that it is relevant to the conversation!&lt;/em&gt;). If you feel like playing it easy, pick the subgroup that holds your friends to start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Group dynamics at a party are likely to shift. People will get drawn to your conversational topic, or drop out. Take a few pointers from that &lt;a href=&quot;http://tamaramccleary.com/social-communication-101/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;first website&lt;/a&gt; on what to pay attention for when reading while participating:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Read others reception, are they interested in what you have to say?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gauge the length of your talking, conversation needs to be give-and-take.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even once you're a part of the conversation, keep the deeper observations to a sample. It's not necessary to keep track of over a dozen people at a birthday party, focus on your seating neighbours/your side of the table. If they start acting and looking bored, concerned, agitated or worse, it may be time to either sit back and let the conversation continue like it did before you chimed in for a while, or let it move on/actively change it to another subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, take an occasional glance around the room. It might attend you to stuff as 'speaking too loudly' if people all start to drop their conversations and start staring at you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Take an occasional glance around to remain aware of your surroundings, but focus most of your reading on the people you're directly interacting with.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T14:27:12.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14555" CreationDate="2018-05-16T14:16:41.443" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When you just arrive&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you enter a room, you may make a short pause, scanning through the crowd. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is there somebody you already know (acknowledge with a nod or so, greet them later)? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What kind of people are there. Clothing? Male/Female? Average age?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What are they doing? (what) are they drinking?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Are they standing in groups or do they seem to be focused on a central event/speaker&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Noise level, Laughing?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Happy or stern faces &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Their reaction on you entering.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This already tells you a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quietly join the crowd if somebody is speaking to the whole room and everybody is focused. Make a tour round the room if everybody is standing in groups, so you can introduce yourself. If everybody is looking at you when you enter, you may as well say hi to the whole group. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keeping aware of changes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is more a matter of diverting you attention. If you are engaged in a conversation, you can easily get tunnel-vision. From time to time you can just listen to the background noise. You can also try not to stay focused on one individual only, but join small groups where you are not center of discussion. Bathroom-breaks, drink-refills, buffet etc. are another opportunity to &quot;check&quot; the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T14:16:41.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14563" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-16T14:18:39.033" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;One possible option, if you are only talking to one of the responsible parties, is to ask how their SO reacted. This can give you a good idea if it's desired/planned and whether to follow up with congratulations or commiseration. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T14:18:39.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14535" CreationDate="2018-05-16T14:55:12.160" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;What's worked best for me is to not include relationship status in the initial introductions at all and let people discover the details at their own pace, and to whatever degree they are comfortable with, either trough normal conversation, or by proactively* addressing misunderstandings or unspoken questions when they arise, depending on what I know of the other person and their body language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some people, suddenly confronting them with a relationship model they're not used to can feel like you're oversharing. People might act embarassed because they need time to process, or because they consider this kind of info too intimate to just casually share with strangers. In addition, if it's the first thing they learn about you, that detail might overshadow the rest of the interaction in their minds. The same is true of a lot of things, say, sexuality, religion and/or gender identity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would agree that downplaying a relationship always comes with a risk of hurting the other person(s), and to me, at least, it would also feel dishonest. The right balance between not hiding or downplaying anything but also not &quot;oversharing&quot; might take some practice to find, but &quot;just act naturally&quot; is probably a good starting point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*There are two scenarios where I'd recommend &quot;thinking a few steps ahead&quot; and addressing your relationships without being asked. Obviously, when e.g. flirting with someone, or when you notice someone is interested in a partner or metamour, letting them know about your relationship status early can avoid a lot of embarassment and heartache. In addition, while acting supportive when signs of affection are shown can go a long way, some people need a quick &quot;It's fine, we're open&quot; or something along those lines to get that &lt;em&gt;yes, it's really fine, you're ok with it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7365" LastEditorUserId="7365" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T15:09:05.200" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T15:09:05.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-16T14:57:05.580" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider &quot;Congratulations&quot;, but with a very slight up-tick in pitch at the end, so it's ambiguously a statement or a question, depending on how they wish to interpret it.  This is best combined with a slight smile, which can also be either conveying happiness or a coy in-on-the-joke vibe.  This gives plenty of wiggle room for the person to respond and further acknowledges that even if it was planned, they might still have complex mixed feelings about the situation.  Though, to be fair, this partly depends on your personalities and how close you are; slightly ambiguous/playful responses can work in a wide range of situations, I've found, but some folks prefer more direct language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2396" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T14:57:05.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14566" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14572" CreationDate="2018-05-16T14:57:16.520" Score="1" ViewCount="319" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my perspective, profanity &quot;is what it is&quot;, I don't use it frequently but I have no real issue with it.  Though, I do understand that some people do have issue with profanity.  Because of this, often I only use it when around those who I believe will &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; be offended, or where it's more normal (like in online gaming).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, people have been taken aback when they hear me curse, and after explaining my view thought it was dishonest to act differently depending on those I was with.  Is this a the general consensus?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do people feel worse about their friends knowing that they curse when they aren't around?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this perceived as &quot;two facedness&quot; or is just normal human behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17907" LastEditorUserId="17907" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T15:48:28.807" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T15:48:28.807" Title="Is using profanity only around some people considered two faced?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;profanity&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-05-16T15:52:19.723" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14555" CreationDate="2018-05-16T15:03:10.463" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reading a room&#xA;1.  Noise level&#xA;2.  Grouping&#xA;3.  Open body language or closed&#xA;4.  Laughter or whispering and looking around at others&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choosing your first point of contact.  Seeing how others react to your intro.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Noise. If the group is relaxed and integrated the noise level is high, it is difficult to distinguish between people.  If it is quiet and to make a noise attracts attention nothing is going on, and everything is frozen and people are nervous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Grouping.  People tend to group around their known people, and see others as outsiders.  If there are no distinct groups everyone is relaxed enough to explore and enjoy one anothers company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Body language. Crossed arms, hunched up, defensive, means they are not happy to be there and do not want to participate.  Open arms, physical contact, smiles, people engaged and taking new things in, it is all going well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Laughter is often an indicator of people open to new things, and enjoying the experience.  In most groups, a joke helps people to relax and then be honest about their reactions.  So creating this situation helps group dynamics progress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T15:03:10.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14569" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14507" CreationDate="2018-05-16T15:03:32.813" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14514/3171&quot;&gt;Clay07g's answer&lt;/a&gt; has some good career advice in it, particularly about the tasking issues, so I'll try not to rehash that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am also a woman software programmer and got mistaken for a high schooler the week I graduated with my master's degree... now I've been in the workforce for a few years and do feel like I get a decent amount of respect at my job. So some things that have helped:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make friends and allies.&lt;/strong&gt; Having people to vouch for you is an immense help. My team lead often introduces me as &quot;the [project] expert&quot; or &quot;This is Em, she's our Java guru&quot;. Of course, it helped to establish this impression by being very diligent on my first task!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also had a peer-level friend on another team, so when I later worked with other people on his team they naturally emulated the way he interacted with me. We had become friends at a previous job and I think a strong factor in his opinion of me being &quot;smart&quot; (even though I didn't feel confident at that job at all!) was that we chatted casually about work-related topics - so even before we worked together directly, he knew I knew what I was talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, try to build a professional rapport with your new colleagues. You might ask them what they think about the latest version of &lt;em&gt;API that you use&lt;/em&gt;, or did they see the &lt;em&gt;tech company&lt;/em&gt; conference news, things like that. This is basically the software developer version of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virtue_signalling&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;virtue signalling&lt;/a&gt;, but it's worked well for me, as long as I stick to things I'm genuinely interested in and know I can handle an in-depth conversation on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dress for success.&lt;/strong&gt; Make sure you are presenting yourself as a mature adult. Without getting too far into fashion advice, stick to more conservative and mature silhouettes and styles. This doesn't mean you can't have a fun, feminine, personal style, just err towards &quot;classy and sophisticated&quot; versions of it - stay clear of the junior's section. &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/30533/is-there-a-dress-code-for-women-in-software-industry/&quot;&gt;This post on The Workplace&lt;/a&gt; has some more advice from a variety of perspectives. (My experience has been in a relatively conservative sector where &quot;nice&quot; jeans are ok but casual tshirts are for Fridays.) I usually wear the type of clothes I would interview in the first few days and gradually ease up once I get a feel for the company culture (and have been introduced to everyone important!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Speak up in meetings.&lt;/strong&gt; This one I personally struggle with a lot because I'm naturally quiet, but it's critical. Your opinion and input is important: make sure it gets heard. If you get interrupted, interrupt them right back: &quot;Excuse me, I wasn't done yet.&quot; Be assertive, and &lt;a href=&quot;http://time.com/3666135/sheryl-sandberg-talking-while-female-manterruptions/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;don't undermine yourself&lt;/a&gt; with qualifiers like &quot;I'm not really sure but...&quot; when you are. It's okay to be a little (professionally) aggressive in pushing your ideas when you know they're worthwhile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take credit for your ideas.&lt;/strong&gt; Several times I've been in meetings that went like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Hey, what if we tried X?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: Hm...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: Anyways, here's what I think about Y...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;(five minutes later)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  C: I have an idea, what about X?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A, B: Great idea, we should definitely look into that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/12/03/womens-ideas-do-men-intentionally-steal-them/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;From what I hear&lt;/a&gt; this is a fairly common experience for women. It's easy to feel defeated and stew about it, but again, you need to get your voice out there. Jump right back in the conversation: &quot;Right on, so I suggested this earlier because of reasons 1, 2, 3&quot;. Or if you want to be more polite, &quot;Thanks for bringing that up again, C, ...&quot; - don't be grumpy, but &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; be assertive. (This is another area where allies can help, by doing the pointing out for you.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Believe in yourself, and fake it 'til you make it.&lt;/strong&gt; Yes, clichés, but common advice for a reason. You want to be seen as a senior? Act like one: the senior employees I know are confident about what they do and don't hesitate to voice their concerns or opinions, because they know their input and time is valuable. They don't ask for respect, they already know they deserve it. Observe how the people you want to be like at your workplace act, and work to integrate that into your own speech and mannerisms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T15:03:32.813" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14570" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14535" CreationDate="2018-05-16T15:06:12.957" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In comments, you mention wanting to be truthful.  That isn't always the best plan of action.  It is typically more important to be sincere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you read Deborah Tannen's book &lt;em&gt;That's not what I meant&lt;/em&gt;, she has a large number of examples where apparent truthfulness actually lead the other person astray.  I highly recommend reading the book if you expect to have to navigate difficult conversations like this.  (I'd quote examples, but I don't have the book on me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is more important is that you are sincere.  You are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; trying to deceive them in the introduction.  You are simply trying to say what is needed to open the communication channels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; important?  What information actually needs to be conveyed.  What information can be conveyed?  Honestly, you probably wouldn't need to even say &quot;This my my wife, X&quot; unless you think it's important that they are aware of that relationship.  However, in standard social settings, this sort of information is common place.  This is information a listener would seek in an introduction.  So there's no harm in putting it in there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;And this is her boyfriend, Y&quot; is different.  As you noticed, that raises eyebrows.  It stalls the conversation, and that can be a heavy price to pay.  What do you get for that price?  If you are actively advertising polyamory as a successful way of life, maybe this is a good way to go!  However, in most situations, that sort of advertising simply isn't necessary or expected any more than you if you were introduced to a Mormon at a party only to have them introduce themselves as &quot;Hi, I'm Brother X and I'd like to share a message with you.&quot;*  No.  They're smarter than that.  Yes, it's reasonable to expect they want to share their religion (generally speaking, that's what religious people do), but they are smart enough to understand that there is a time and place for such advertisements.  Instead, they'll introduce themselves as &quot;X&quot; and you guys will have a great time.  Later in the night, they might find the conversation indeed steers to religion and &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; they may advertise a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And indeed, that would be my recommendation.  As others have said, start with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is my wife X, and this is Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe add some minor tidbit about Y to get the conversation going.  If the listener is a big college football fan, maybe Y's alma mater is useful intel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, wait.  Find out what happens.  We actually can't tell you how this will go, because it really depends on the relationship between you, X, and Y.  One of the joys of polyamoury is a lack of written rules specifying precisely how you are supposed to act.  If you and your family prefer to keep the intimacy inside the house, X and Y may never actually do anything which calls for an explanation.  If you prefer to be more open, then the listener may start to pick up on Y doting on your wife, and start to have cognitive dissonance.  In this case, let them bring it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when I say &quot;let them bring it up,&quot; I  mean simply let them make the opening move.  You may have the kinds of friends that actually take you aside and say, &quot;Dude, he's hitting on your wife.  Didn't you notice?&quot;  Those are the easy cases.  You can explain your relationship then.  The harder cases will be the ones which ask with their eyes.  They'll make an eye contact with you trying to figure out what the heck you know, and what's going on.  That would be your invitation to explain that you guys are poly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="2308" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T20:07:07.907" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T20:07:07.907" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14566" CreationDate="2018-05-16T15:09:30.590" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is nothing two-faced about talking and acting appropriately to the situation. Think of a formal event, or of a children's party - it's not two-faced to watch your tongue in those situations, even if normally you would use profanities, right? Same for people - in certain company you might feel that using profanities is inappropriate (because they're not comfortable hearing them, or for any other reason), while in another company you're comfortable to use language as would make sailors blush. &lt;strong&gt;That's normal human behaviour.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T15:09:30.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14566" CreationDate="2018-05-16T15:13:25.037" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Showing respect for the feelings of others is very important.&#xA;My kids swear with their friends, and not at home.&#xA;It is about emotional expression and how they want to come &#xA;across.  It would simply not be appropriate with us, their&#xA;parents, as it is not like they have to prove anything to us,&#xA;but rather respect a more caring approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as hypocrisy is concerned, everyone can swear, and in&#xA;certain places you are happy to show frustration this way.&#xA;It is simply not appropriate to show frustration everywhere &#xA;one goes, because most of the time you just have to do what&#xA;you need to do, and no one wants to know how frustrated one is.&#xA;Swearing in these circumstances, is saying ones frustration &#xA;matters more than what one is doing or what others are doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T15:13:25.037" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14573" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14566" CreationDate="2018-05-16T15:23:58.583" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have several friends who are Preacher's Kids.  Needless to say, they watch their language around their parents.  Yet they can weave a colorful tapestry of profanity that would hang out over Lake Michigan to this day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a word that guys use in conversation with each other that women (as a group), to put it mildly, find very objectionable.  So many guys don't use that word around women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is that being two-faced?  No, I would say it's being respectful.  I would say it's more offensive to curse around those who don't than to not curse around them.  It's a good interpersonal skill to use appropriate language around your audience and that includes people that would be offended by certain words.  On the other hand, I would say that being the &quot;profanity police&quot; or telling people to lighten up with their discomfort with profanity would be a poor interpersonal skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT your question: I don't think people really care, unless they're really uptight.  Sometimes it's more the surprise factor: they aren't used to hearing you curse and when you do, it's a surprise.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T15:23:58.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14574" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14577" CreationDate="2018-05-16T15:33:38.230" Score="1" ViewCount="3213" Body="&lt;p&gt;I rent a room in a large shared house. There have been some problems (see all my other questions) but last night I felt a line was crossed into disrespectful. Two weeks ago I heard music coming from someone's room at 2am so I knocked on their door. There was no reply. I sent them a text message asking if they could use headphones and there was no reply. Just yesterday this person out of the blue started yelling at me saying she felt targeted by me because I hadn't asked if it was anyone else. I said it sounded like the music had been coming from her room and she said I could've sent the whole group (we have a Messenger group chat) instead of just texting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very confused by this. 1) how should I reply when someone's yelling at me? I would have liked to have used the kitchen but should I just go back to my room? 2) how should I treat the specific situation? It's very reasonable to ask someone to turn down music at 2am (and what confuses me even more is told me she has a job that starts at 8am). We are in very close living arrangement and things could get very ugly fast. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She said she wants a roommate meeting, which I think would be a good idea. But I'm guessing I should address the issue of her randomly yelling at me before the meeting? What words should I use?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone is in their 20s and most people and international people who don't speak a common language as their first tongue (everyone speaks English but it seems that most people prefer not to, even in common areas when other's are around).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very bad in these types of situations and am confused. This roommate I actually felt closest to because she speaks English the most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T17:17:26.913" Title="Getting yelled at by (adult) roommate" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2018-05-16T19:44:54.190" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14463" CreationDate="2018-05-16T15:44:41.393" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming you know where this neighbor lives, I would go to their door at a later point during the week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello neighbor, I was hoping to talk to you a little about what happened last Sunday. I'd like to see if there's a compromise we can come to that will let me perform my hobby without causing you undue annoyance. Can you tell me what you would find acceptable hours in the weekend for me to use power tools?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea behind this approach is start off as the bigger person. You're not saying you won't perform your hobby, you're trying to figure out what the other party considers to be acceptable times for your 'noise pollution'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Judging by the reaction they displayed last time however, there is a good chance that this will result in some conflict. There's a good chance your neighbor's response will amount to 'never' (or some unrealistically narrow time frame) being the acceptable time for you to use power tools. In such a case, you want to reinforce your desire to come to an accommodation but also reinforce that there is no compromise that results in you not enjoying your hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to hear that. It feels like you're telling me to stop performing my hobby and I don't think that's a fair demand. I'd really like to come to a reasonable compromise, is there no realistic time frame we can agree on?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would avoid trying to chastise them for the way they acted in the first interaction. I don't think there is a way to communicate that sentiment without escalating the situation. You have every right to be angry about it, but there is no constructive way to address that anger at this time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should you be unable to come to a compromise, express your regret at this fact and retreat. If another incident occurs, try to remain calm but clearly explain that you do not consider the other party's behavior to be acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can appreciate that you're feeling angry about the noise, but it's really not acceptable to trespass on my property and start handling my tools. Aside from the fact that you have no business handling my property without my consent, it's also potentially dangerous. I would like you to leave my property now. I'll stop working for the day and when we've both calmed down we can have another attempt to come to a compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By staying calm and reasonable, you retain the option for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to be the one calling the authorities. In my experience, they will always side with the person who is reasonable and attempting to find a compromise everyone can live with, especially if that person is well within your rights to be doing what they were doing in the first place. You may damage your position on the high ground if you instigate any conflict, no matter how justified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T15:44:41.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14574" CreationDate="2018-05-16T17:02:23.150" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll try to offer some advice regarding the yelling. I do sometimes yell, which I'm not proud of. When I do, it's usually because I feel powerless or misunderstood——like I'm desperate to make the other person aware of some injustice that has befallen me. Usually they committed the supposed injustice totally accidentally, or it has nothing to do with them. This makes the person feel bad/angry, instead of being sympathetic to my injustices, which makes this an unproductive way to communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to to handle a yelling person in the moment is to apologize for the way you made them feel and amicably de-escalate the situation. Only once they calm down can you make any constructive progress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to your roommate. I have limited information here, but it seems pretty unreasonable the way she yelled at you. It really doesn't make sense to me. &lt;em&gt;People never don't make sense though&lt;/em&gt;. There is more to her situation than what appears at face value. There &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; a logical explanation for her behavior, and the best thing to do is try to figure out the underlying reason. Be warned that she might not even know her reasons yet. Talking it out with her will likely help her introspect and find out why she mistreated you. Be there for her. You have no idea what her day was like prior to that moment. She might have had an extremely stressful day. If she pours out her troubles on you, then you have succeeded. She will likely notice the contrast in your behavior to hers and apologize naturally. It probably doesn't feel natural to be nurturing and understanding of your roommate after she yelled at you. But she is not going to be receptive until she gets the attention she needs. She just wants to be &lt;em&gt;heard&lt;/em&gt;. The hard part will be to shift the focus on her to and let her be heard before you try to get an apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't apologize naturally, you do need to make it clear that her hostile behavior is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it in the future. Don't be too brusque about this, or you'll spoil the progress you've made. Focus on how her yelling made you feel, rather than belittling her immaturity. Emphasize that when she feels that way, she doesn't need to yell because you're her friend and you'll be there for her. Yelling will only make everyone feel worse. People should open up to their friends, not lash out at them. Again, don't do this until after she has calmed down, or else she'll just be increasingly defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2076" LastEditorUserId="2076" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T17:17:26.913" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T17:17:26.913" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14507" CreationDate="2018-05-16T17:45:19.507" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The question is asking how to avoid this behavior in a new environment, so I'm going to give some suggestions about how to get off on the right foot. Many of the other answers give good advice on how to establish respect over time/letting your work speak for itself, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Honestly some of the behaviors you mentioned seem toxic and really out of place for software engineering companies I've experienced. It may stem from being a culture of only men before you joined, but I really hope that this isn't the norm of tech companies in your area. At my company there are quite a few smaller women but as far as I can tell they are not treated this way.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to address the problems you mentioned from easiest to hardest&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Not letting you carry items&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a hard time imagining what objects these would be in a software engineering office, as I work in one and most objects are smaller than a laptop and I can't believe anyone would insist on carrying such things for you. But I'd recommend not bringing in any heavy items to work the first few days (e.g. a large bag) that would give the appearance of struggling under the weight. Even though you probably have no problem managing it, if it's something a strong person can lift like a feather the urge to help would be hard to suppress. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For something that typically happens at the beginning of a job, e.g. setting up your workstation, at my company it's typical to have 1 or 2 people help to speed the process along. So you could say something like &quot;Oh, I don't need help but if you want to you're welcome to&quot;, and take advantage of the opportunity to get to know that coworker a bit better. If a lot of people try to jump in to help, you can jokingly brush them off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Generally speaking in a condescending way&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first few times this happens you can respond in a confused manner, to indicate to them that this behavior isn't normal. &#xA;Example:&#xA;Male coworker: &quot;Do you understand [basic concept]?&quot;&#xA;You: *confused look as to why they would even ask* &quot;Yeah?&quot; &#xA;If this continues to occur you can reject the gratuitous advice more directly, but with a bit of humor to not make it seem like you're mad at them: &quot;C'mon [male name], I've been a C++ programmer for 10 years, do you really think I don't know how to use templates?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Interrupting you when speaking&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to handle someone who has already interrupted you without coming across as stuffy/easily offended, so it would be best to avoid this altogether. Make extra effort to speak loudly and assertively. If you often find yourself pausing in your speech to formulate your thoughts, work on having a better idea of what to say beforehand to avoid this. Interrupting someone who is continuously speaking at a strong volume is rude and awkward, hopefully they have the good sense not to do this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Forwarding you boring tasks/ignoring tasks you forward&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully there's some kind of team queue you can push these tasks to, like @Clay07g mentioned. However if you don't have such a formal system, and especially if it's not something the manager can see (like sending you a direct email about the task), you can just reject the task - &quot;[male name], you should really be doing your own paperwork!&quot; Hopefully they have the good sense to not try to forward you the same task twice, in my experience when a task is bounced back that person will try to do it on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Other&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would also be beneficial to spend some time with your coworkers outside of work, like a weekly happy hour or organized outing between a few coworkers on the weekend. If people ask you what you like to do outside of work, try to focus on activities that you're more likely to have in common. (That doesn't mean you have to pick stereotypically &quot;male&quot; activities like watching football, it could be something widely appealing like video games or going to concerts). As they get to know you better personally, that should naturally lead to treating you as an equal instead of an inferior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, try not to think too much about how your coworkers are disrespecting you, and try to go in every day with as clean of a slate as possible. I know that personally I am very conscious of how my voice (even though it isn't particularly high pitched) sounds compared to men when asking questions, and I often feel like I sound less intelligent for asking the same question. No one has ever reacted in a way to indicate my suspicions are true, so I just don't think about it. It also helps establish your behavior like that of a senior, respected employee. Like @Em C already said, fake it till you make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17879" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T17:45:19.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14535" CreationDate="2018-05-16T17:46:42.687" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;The edit to your question's title actually suggests a possible route to make your introduction &quot;more inviting&quot;, which I am assuming means that you don't mind explaining a bit for folks who aren't familiar with polyamory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of the awkwardness of &quot;my wife and her boyfriend&quot; is, as others have mentioned, that this leaves ambiguous what your relationship to the other man is. Of course seeing the three of you interact after the introduction will probably indicate the correct relationship (you aren't angry or jealous and so forth), but at the point of that initial introduction the only way to clarify any of the questions running through people's heads would be to ask directly, which is likely to feel too nosy to most folks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, instead, consider saying something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah, this is my wife Mrs. X! And this is &lt;strong&gt;my metamour&lt;/strong&gt; Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situates both people in relation &lt;em&gt;to you&lt;/em&gt;, which makes sense when you are making the introduction and should help clarify the congeniality of your mutual relationship. This is similar to the difference between &quot;this is my wife, her sister's daughter, and my wife's father&quot; versus &quot;this is my wife, my niece, and my father-in-law&quot;—it's subtle, but puts you more firmly within the web of relationships, rather than as a hanger-on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, metamour is (right now) a somewhat obscure* term outside of poly communities, but that obscurity can actually help you here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;First, those who know what it means will instantly understand, and will be able to respond appropriately. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Second, it's rare enough that it is reasonable for people to ask for an explanation if they want to. Where &quot;So...is that OK with you?&quot; and other clarifying questions about Y's boyfriend status might be perceived as rude and nosy, a response like &quot;I don't think I've heard that term before&quot; or &quot;I'm sorry, could you repeat that?&quot; is quite neutral and gives you an opening to explain in as much or as little detail as you feel is appropriate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will still be folks who just give you a glazed smile and nod, but with this approach you will have been honest and open about your relationship and have left the door open for the other person to inquire further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NB: I am not in a polyamorous relationship, so haven't made this introduction myself. I am basing this largely on 1. The &quot;analogous&quot; situation mentioned above: I have found that introducing someone in terms of their relationship to me is generally less awkward than introducing them in terms of some third party; and 2: Introductions relating to other aspects of my identity. Specifically, I'm a person of &quot;ambiguous ethnicity&quot; living in the US, and find that using a highly specific term that is familiar within my ethnicity has similar effects to those mentioned in the bullet points (folks who are down with my ethnic identity will know exactly what I mean; folks who don't know but are interested have a graceful way to ask questions; and folks who would rather not be bothered can just ignore the strange-to-them terminology).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&lt;sub&gt;In spite of the term's overall obsurity, the root &quot;amour&quot; is probably transparent enough that some folks will figure out that you mean some kind of romantic relationship. Whether this increases or decreases any awkwardness will depend on the individual you're addressing, but I wouldn't expect it to be greater than the awkwardness you're experiencing now.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastEditorUserId="378" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T20:03:33.917" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T20:03:33.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14515" CreationDate="2018-05-16T18:31:14.993" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A woman once gave me some advice that seems to work quite well.  You only need tell her 3 things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you love her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you think she's sexy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you think she's beautiful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I changed the third one by adding a 'to me' at the end - as the song goes, &quot;you are so beautiful, to me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifically to losing weight, if she says, &quot;I'll be hotter...&quot;, you could respond with, I love you now and I'll love you then.  Or, if so you'll still be sexy in my eyes. Or, you'll always be beautiful to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3013" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T18:31:14.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14231" CreationDate="2018-05-16T18:50:14.557" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to add some general advice to the already very good answers before mine.&#xA;Anyone with Asperger's has different symptoms, so I can only speak of my personal experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost: use clear words, if neccessary to the point of being crude. But speak them in a friendly manner and keep the mood positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is not acceptable to skip classes and exams. You have studied for so many years, do you want to throw all that away because of one person? You are worth just as much as her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This applies especially to dropped hints and vaguely formulated offers for help. Do not assume that he understands what you mean by them. Make sure he is aware of what you mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for his not going out anymore, try to encourage social interactions with your friends. &#xA;Give social activities a goal. If you &quot;just want to hang out&quot; it may sound like a waste of time (sorry for the harsh words, but those are often my thoughts). If you want to watch a film, study for an hour, try out the new restaurant, go swimming or skating or whatever, it sets a goal and a time frame to the activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(Friends name) asked about you yesterday. S/He would really like to (name of acitivity) with us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your (and his) closest friends agree, go out with a smaller group. It might be easier for him to accept the offer because the number of people who may be uncomfortable is smaller. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is introverted, consider his energy level. Fun activities with one or two friends usually have a positive effect and can &quot;charge&quot; him up. Interacting with more than 3 people at once can be difficult, especially for someone with Asperger's, and may &quot;deplete&quot; him. Since his energy is already depleted by the general circumstances, he will avoid that as a self-defence mechanism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note: his avoiding of his ex is also a depleting activity. You can actually help him preserve his energy by casually mentioning that his ex will not be present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T18:50:14.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14584" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-16T19:58:15.907" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The rep was trying to guilt you into listening their spiel, possibly because that's what they are expected to do by their employer, or possibly because emotions during a long day got the better of them. There was nothing you could do to prevent that, other than listening to their spiel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, my rule is to treat phone reps with common decency, but also treat both their and my time as valuable, meaning I act exactly the same way you did. After their escalation, since the problem was resolved, you had at least 2 good options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop listening, say goodbye, then hang up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Interrupt them to ask for their name, write it down, say goodbye, then hang up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not argue about who was being rude. If you want to let them know they've been inappropriate, asking them for their name directly after their inappropriate behavior is sufficient, and avoids the argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T20:04:02.123" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T20:04:02.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14585" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14535" CreationDate="2018-05-16T20:47:40.907" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/14593/in-a-polyamorous-relationship-how-to-go-about-telling-i-love-you-to-2nd-partn&quot;&gt;polyamorous too&lt;/a&gt; and, well, this is sort of new for me too (at least in practice) but learning from others I found suitable ways to act.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I've seen that most answers seem to be a little tone deaf on the importance of not making the 3rd partner feel out of place or disrespected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Damage control&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Alleviation strategy:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The alleviation strategy is one of my favorites to address someone who's judgement influence in your lives is unpredictable, which is almost anyone.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being open about it is great, bravery is appreciated.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I don't think you want people to focus on that too long though, after you introduced your companions, change the topic of conversation to something your audience feels comfortable with. Your audience can be a single person or a group. Steer the conversation to something they know about, something where they don't feel like stepping on cracked unstable ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the simplest way to maintain the conversation going, a nice friendly social interaction.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Reassurance strategy:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This strategy is necessary when the person addressed is someone who's judgement has an influence on your lives; could be your business partners, your parents, and so on, people with some authority or at least high credibility on your circles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prepare something cool and positive to say about your polyamorous relationship, something positive that doesn't cause contrast with your audience's situation. Something neutral like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Having them in my life is great&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to avoid anything that brings competition or comparisons with their own lifestyle. This way you are conveying there's nothing to be concerned about, plus, you established both have respect and appreciation from you and it is the best way to &lt;strong&gt;induce&lt;/strong&gt; your audience to respond likewise. But you don't want to get stuck there, follow that by saying something nice about each one of the people you are introducing, not necessarily relating your comment to the relationship, it is better to remind them how they are more similar to your audience rather than different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'X' works in the same field as you...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  'Y' was just talking about that movie you recommended me...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then make the conversation about that, closer to something your audience feels comfortable with, steering towards the alleviation strategy that I mentioned first. Like a failsafe protocol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Prevention&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A measure to prevent these awkward situations is not only to be open about it but also public, in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more people in your social circles are informed in advance of your polyamorous status, the least likely the situation you encountered will happen, because when people are approaching the three of you they will process all the possibilities on their minds before making contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be sure to inform the most respectful friends first before going public and let them know that it isn't a secret, they will help you to understand the main concerns of people who don't understand in a respectful way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell your family and your closest friends first so you are in a position to set the narrative and be on the steering wheel.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Going public, don't be afraid to tell gossipy individuals in your circles, the more people know the better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be sure to attend parties and public events alone and with your partner soon after making your polyamorous status public, this way people will have the information fresher on their mind when they see you and they'll start with the mental guesswork without disturbing you. Some might offer comments on your public status, that's cool, there's no other person present to feel awkward.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nice people will make an effort to dissimulate their own awkwardness and will focus on normal conversation, curious people with a lesser sense of tact will ask things because they had never before encountered the ongoing scenario where they had the chance to ask about this real life situation (even if their timing is not adequate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My experience&lt;/strong&gt; with all of this was to start by writing on my personal blog and calling my mother and having a conversation with her to prevent her from being weird with my bisexual girlfriend, and I was very clear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;you will have to get used to see me with more than one girl and treat them with the same respect you treat me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation was a bit more broad and tactful as you might expect but that was the main idea to get across. I also made sure she understood:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;this is what makes me happy and it makes my partners happy, it is an agreement and no one is suffering, no one is being taken advantage of or anything like that, all the opposite, we are even more happy, the three of us together&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It helped explaining how on contrast other relationships had made me unhappy or even miserable because bisexuality isn't uncommon at all and more than a couple previous girlfriends had been bisexual, which lead to unnecessary drama and neither party had dared to propose trying the polyamorous way to include one or two lovers in our lives and for them to include us likewise. I personally prefer someone stable though, and my girlfriend does too, that contributes to both our happiness and satisfaction. Mom remembered how miserable I was during the time of one of those relationships I mentioned and now that she understood why and that she understood I didn't want to be fooling around, she became if not encouraging, at least sympathetic and supportive (which was surprising because she's a conservative and religious person, it's hard to go against happiness).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone in my circles is already gossiping about it and their conversation shows they are sort of avoiding to talk about it but already prepared for the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean it won't ever ever happen, I know there are people with things they can't keep to their own, for whatever reason, curiosity or disapproval, I'm prepared to address their concerns, but &lt;strong&gt;timing is much more important&lt;/strong&gt; as you have already noticed. An &quot;avoiding to talk about it&quot; attitude as the first impulse is exactly what you want, to avoid the awkward explanations during an inappropriate time. They will be able to approach you at a better time if they so desire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T22:13:22.860" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T22:13:22.860" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14586" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-05-16T20:50:47.993" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T20:50:47.993" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T20:50:47.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14587" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-05-16T20:50:47.993" Score="0" Body="Use this tag for questions that involve people with multiple partners, regardless of what word they use to describe it. " OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-05-16T20:50:47.993" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T20:50:47.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14588" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-16T21:54:30.490" Score="1" ViewCount="266" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Story&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 25 years old - my GF is 24 -, her brother is 20.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is a very kind and easy-going person, we both have sympathy and consideration for each other.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;However I noticed that during family meeting at their parent's home he is most of the time &lt;em&gt;away&lt;/em&gt; : while at table with us he stays quiet, he will be leaving table early, he might get angry quite easily whereas there is no apparent reason for me, he wakes up very very late, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will not let you think that he is feeling poorly, he is actually pretty good at faking and let you think he is alright.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the moment, my GF and him are both in an internship in Canada for several months, sharing a big room. She reported to me that he is drinking alcohol - not only during parties, but even &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;on his own&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;  while watching series alone. He drinks vodka, whiskey, beer, anything he can find.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;She also reported that he is smoking a lot of weed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to understand that he is not earning any salary, he is not working during holidays to make money, the only money income he has is parents. He looks a bit immature on few points, such as &lt;em&gt;value&lt;/em&gt; : he is constantly breaking his phone (parents pay to repair or replace it, it doesn't help him to understand how hard money is earned), he is buying a lot of alcohol and weed with his parents' income, etc.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Facts show a selfish behavior. He also needs a lot of attention, he likes hug with its parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Trigger&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While we don't know what factors might have trigger this passive self-destroy behavior, I know he had a difficult love-story that ended in breaking (&lt;em&gt;his gf left him for someone else&lt;/em&gt;). I assume it plays a role, but I can't imagine this is the only reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the moment, we're looking carefully at him so it does not get worse.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;However, we do not have any clue of what we should do to truely help him.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;What shall we do to help him so he can realize that his behavior is not sustainable for himself ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17919" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T07:04:19.133" Title="How to deal with brother-in-law drinking and smoking way too much?" Tags="&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-05-17T04:47:28.323" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-16T22:16:09.473" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The core problem: You are using the rules for a &lt;strong&gt;social interaction&lt;/strong&gt; and the CSR is using the rules for a &lt;strong&gt;business transaction&lt;/strong&gt;, which gives them the upper hand.  Don't let yourself be taken advantage of like this -- it is not at all rude to expect that a business transaction focus on the business issue at hand.  You can cut them off efficiently with something like &quot;no upselling until my problem is resolved&quot; and then after you have confirmed that your problem is solved, &lt;strong&gt;just hang up&lt;/strong&gt;. (You can say &quot;thank you&quot; as you hang up if you still feel the need to be polite.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the specific case of the CSR who said you were being rude by interrupting them -- they were probably still new on the job and expecting to be able to (ab)use the rules for a social interaction while following their script. If it's any comfort, they probably got a ding on their record if management reviewed the call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is a repeated issue you may be able to have your account flagged for &quot;no upselling&quot;.  This frees customer service reps from getting their performance ratings (and compensation) hurt by not giving you the required number of mini-sales pitches per call.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This is unlikely to be a universal solution but was certainly possible with the company I worked for as a CSR (customer sales/support representative) in the US.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is, however, outside the scope of interpersonal relationships and does nothing about the rude person you dealt with on the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While CSRs have certain speeches and sales pitches that they MUST give, or get their performance rating downgraded (for example, when I was a CSR I was REQUIRED to start each phone call with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thank you for choosing (company), my name is (myname), how may I help&#xA;  you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;even if I was talking over a customer who had already started describing the problem they were calling in for) there was unlikely to be anything in the customer service manual that called for the CSR to call &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; rude for interrupting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something nobody else has said yet:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You were not being rude&lt;/strong&gt;, you were merely trying to get your business done efficiently after being on hold for 25 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any CSR who does not expect customers to interrupt their sales pitches to return to the problem at hand has not been on the job very long.  Any CSR who repeatedly tells customers that they are being rude for interrupting is unlikely to stay on the job very long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, the most direct response, asking to speak with a supervisor, would have had negative consequences for you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In many call centers you would simply be speaking to a different (more experienced) CSR speaking from a &quot;supervisor&quot; script.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There would have been an additional delay fetching the supervisor and explaining the rudeness issue that led to the escalation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You would likely have had to start from scratch getting your problem (with your security device) resolved.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your original question, &quot;how to tactfully interrupt a (rude and inexperienced) CSR&quot;, this is a situation where companies take advantage of polite behavior, and there is no need to let yourself be bullied.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After confirming that your original problem was resolved (you said that you had ordered the device) you were done.  What you needed to do was say &quot;no thanks&quot; to any further sales pitches, interrupting the CSR if necessary, and get off the call. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most places CSR pay is partly determined by how fast they handle phone calls. &lt;strong&gt;Quickly cutting off an unwanted sales pitch with &quot;no thanks&quot; is MORE polite than letting them talk on&lt;/strong&gt; wasting precious seconds that could have been spent with a more suggestible customer. Getting into a preventable argument with a customer lowers a CSRs pay.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are right and truly upset you could even say something like &quot;No upselling, please.  Would you rather spend your time annoying me or ending this call efficiently and getting on to the next customer who you might get a sales commission from?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once the CSR started being rude to you, the most polite thing you could have done was to confirm that your original problem was resolved and hang up.  The most effective thing you could have done was send a letter to the company afterwords with a complaint about the rude CSR, pretty much guaranteeing, on way or another, that no future customer would have been treated to the same rude behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;tl;dr: if a CSR is rude to you, ask to speak to a supervisor if your original problem has not been resolved or hang up and write a letter of complaint if it has.  &lt;strong&gt;It is not at all impolite or untactful to interrupt an unwanted sales pitch with a simple &quot;no, thanks.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastEditorUserId="547" LastEditDate="2020-05-08T20:57:54.613" LastActivityDate="2020-05-08T20:57:54.613" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14588" CreationDate="2018-05-16T22:51:39.503" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, a great way I've found to deal with myself or friends of mine suffering at times is to take them out, mostly during the day and do some activities together that don't involve (or at least limit) the behavior you want to avoid. Outdoorsy stuff, chill in the park, this kind of stuff. At this it would important to stress the fact that any true change will be slow and this whole thing will be a process. Some effort and resilience will have to be exercised to make sure things don't go South. So, indeed, if you think that he doesn't need any real help, spending the most amount of time you can with him outside his area of comfort (maybe also outside yours, so he doesn't feel controlled) would be the best. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17923" LastActivityDate="2018-05-16T22:51:39.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14593" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-17T02:59:55.593" Score="7" ViewCount="3476" Body="&lt;p&gt;Saying &quot;I love you&quot; means a lot like in any other relationship, specially since I'm always upfront from early days about not saying it lightly like some people do and to remove the cultural ambiguity from our relationship. During such early conversations we found out that for her &quot;I love you&quot; means the same than for us, more than a feeling, for us, it means &quot;I wan't you to stay permanently because I can't be without you and I'd do anything to guard your happiness&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Providing more context as asked:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As we are in a symmetrical type of polyamory (we don't date other people, we commit and stay faithful to whomever is in our relationship), we are flexible on how we date with each other, if one person is not available the other 2 simply go out wherever and the person who was busy is always welcomed to join, we basically share life for the 3 of us. This person is relatively new (almost a year) but has been increasingly staying over at our place, we share everything, we've talked about a future for the 3 of us together, she still has her own apartment though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My long-standing girlfriend and I had been (not very actively) looking out for other girls since the start, it started very early because she opened up to me about being bisexual, I already knew because we had been friends for years and dated other people before we dated, so I took it as a reminder, a &quot;don't forget I also like girls&quot; type of reminder, to which I was very o.k. with, already had experience anyway. I was clear I didn't like fooling around and she agreed, so anyone else we dated would have to be someone who wanted to be with the both of us. We didn't even had to negotiate, it wasn't even a big deal. We didn't rush into that, we really enjoyed being only the two of us. So, every now and then a person would get close to us but not for long, different expectations, different ideas of what love means and entails, didn't work out. But this person is different, we've all developed a special bond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking the right approach would be asking my long-standing girlfriend if she already felt the same, I've already seen all the signs that make evident she's in love with our new companion. We could take her together to a nice place and tell her there, or maybe agree with my girlfriend to tell her separately the same day on different circumstances made special in different ways, and later at night take her to a nice place with the 3 of us to celebrate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I really have no experience with that. I'm not sure if that is the best protocol, a different approach could be possible?&#xA;I don't have the skills, please help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please don't answer things like &quot;what if she doesn't say it back&quot; because we don't worry about that. She will say it if she feels the same way and if she still doesn't, we are not putting pressure, there is no need to rush anything, I'm very confident she loves us back though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not sure if this helps, but some time ago I was on the other side of the formula, with a slight difference because I'm not bisexual and neither was the man in that relationship, we didn't get that far but we hanged out together and I spent a lot of time at their place. I know from experience being in that position in which you are the one wanting to be &lt;em&gt;in&lt;/em&gt; doesn't make you less valuable, I know because when they broke up they sort of fought about whom was going to &quot;keep me&quot;. I was very much in love with both of them, I wouldn't have cared if they had told me separately or together as long as the 3 of us stayed together, &lt;strong&gt;but that's just me&lt;/strong&gt;, that's why I'm asking for experienced advice. They ended up telling me separately after they broke up, that was a boomer, heart smashed to smithereens, but that's a whole different story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;How can I tell our new partner &quot;I love you&quot; in a way that does not to ruin her experience of the relationship, or make her feel odd/awkward?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-06-03T05:52:50.987" LastActivityDate="2018-06-03T05:52:50.987" Title="In a polyamorous relationship, how to go about telling &quot;I love you&quot; to new partner?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;polyamory&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14598" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-17T07:53:31.257" Score="7" ViewCount="1003" Body="&lt;p&gt;Occasionally, I will find myself in a position where I believe I have some insight as to how someone could improve. I have been thinking about how to give good &lt;em&gt;constructive criticism&lt;/em&gt; and although situations change and I will not always be able to perfectly help everyone, having some solid ground-work would be immensely helpful with deciding how to approach these conversations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit: Answers should assume that any scenario is one where constructive criticism might actually be listened to. This rules out strangers, stubborn parents and the like. Other, more specific questions may analyse how you should alter your approach for a unique and difficult scenario but this question is not that.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What researched skills can I use to ensure that my criticism is as constructive as possible?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T10:15:53.777" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T13:06:08.773" Title="How do I make my criticism constructive?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;helping&gt;&lt;academic-research&gt;&lt;criticism&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14599" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14603" CreationDate="2018-05-17T08:04:58.223" Score="6" ViewCount="163" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm currently in my last semester of my Dual Study (see below for a definition) at a middle sized company in Germany. The Study Programme is Computer Science mixed with some Electrical Engineering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My current head of department has already expressed an interest in offering me a job in his department a few months ago. Now I'm supposed to meet him again (I guess to talk a little more in detail about the subject). While I find this department very interesting to work in I would like to see what other departments have to offer as I feel like some of the other job descriptions fit me a little bit better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question now is: How can I convey to the head of department that i would also like to look at other job offerings without making it sound as though I dont like or am not interested in the job he might be offering?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Definition Dual Study:&#xA;The core principle of the dual study concept at DHBW is the three-month rhythm, by which students switch between university and their workplace training provider, i.e. between gaining theoretical knowledge and applying this knowledge in practice. Students are employed at a company or a social institution and receive a monthly salary, including social security benefits. (Taken from: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.dhbw-stuttgart.de/zielgruppen/international-visitors/cooperative-education/dual-study-concept/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.dhbw-stuttgart.de/zielgruppen/international-visitors/cooperative-education/dual-study-concept/&lt;/a&gt;, 17.05.2018)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13523" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T08:37:11.750" Title="How can I convey that i am interested in other job descriptions without making me sound disinterested in a particular one?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14601" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-17T08:09:37.503" Score="8" ViewCount="7004" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been researching some interpersonal theories recently, and I stumbled across one called the &quot;interpersonal theory of depression&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found several articles that deal with the theory (such as &lt;a href=&quot;https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1022666424731&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;A Test of Interpersonal Theory of Depression in Youth Psychiatric Inpatients&lt;/a&gt;, which gives a rather... short explanation (&quot;&lt;em&gt;...the combination of depressive symptoms and excessive reassurance-seeking leads to interpersonal problems...&lt;/em&gt;&quot;), but this doesn't go into depth at all), but I'm having trouble understanding what exactly this theory &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What constitutes &quot;excessive reassurance-seeking&quot; and &quot;depressive symptoms&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, more generally: What is this theory? What exactly does it theorize? How is it applicable to life in modern society?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T11:10:53.740" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T17:57:20.053" Title="What is the &quot;Interpersonal Theory of Depression&quot;?" Tags="&lt;terminology&gt;&lt;interpersonal-theories&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-17T08:24:26.780" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The assumption in your question is wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation, the person on the other end of the line is literally being paid to be of service to you. While you may have been rude, it is not their place to confront you about it. Part of being in the service industry is that customers can be rude and you have to suck it up, because they are the customer. This person is either unqualified to work in service, or that answer was actually in their script (service reps usually follow scripts). For me that would be wow but maybe I am still naive about company-customer relations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way or the other, the answer is that &lt;strong&gt;you can interrupt a service rep at any time you want&lt;/strong&gt;. This is &lt;strong&gt;not rudeness&lt;/strong&gt;, because of the nature of the relationship. You are &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; having a personal conversation with them, you are conducting business and in this setting, their purpose is to serve you and that you need to interrupt them at all is something that already reflects badly on their service quality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T08:24:26.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14603" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14599" CreationDate="2018-05-17T08:37:11.750" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; interested in this job, but are holding out for something better. If something better &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; come along then you may want to take this job. Really then, what you want to convey to the potential employer is that you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; interested in the role he is offering, but meanwhile do everything you can not to rush the process forward &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; actively seek your preferred role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many interpersonal situations in life where &quot;hedging your bets&quot; across multiple offers is considered disrespectful. But this isn't a case of deciding which of several party invitations will be the better one - choosing a job really is something on which your life, prosperity and your long-term happiness are at stake, so you have a right to be a little selfish. Loyalty to an employer while in their employment is expected, but that doesn't mean they own you. People switch jobs every day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you accepted and began the role you have been offered, is there any period of commitment?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you took it &lt;em&gt;and then&lt;/em&gt; something better came up, how much notice would you need to give in order to jump ship?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would taking a job and then moving elsewhere soon after harm your reputation if your chosen career path is a small community?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't say:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm interested in this role but I am more interested in others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the department head is looking to fill a position he will choose someone who actually wants to be there. If he overlooks you and then nothing else arises for you, you could be scuppered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Say something like:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It sounds very interesting. Of course I'm focusing on my final semester right now but I'd like to hear more about it. Please keep me in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actively look for other roles more inline with what you want. And if something else comes up you can do the decent thing by going straight to the department head and telling him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to let you know that I have been offered a post elsewhere which I am going to accept. I feel it is more suited to me, but I do thank you for considering me for your role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T08:37:11.750" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14601" CreationDate="2018-05-17T09:00:14.163" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is this theory? What exactly does it theorize?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A theory, posing that depression and excessive reassurance seeking leads to interpersonal problems. It is nothing more than a framework used to study the interpersonal aspects of depression: How a depression influences the interpersonal interactions between a depressed person and the people they interact with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found a few articles that give a little more detail on the theory, amongst them one by Jeremy Gordon Stewart from 2013 &lt;sup&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://qspace.library.queensu.ca/bitstream/handle/1974/8078/Stewart_Jeremy_G_201306_PhD.pdf?sequence=1&amp;amp;isAllowed=y&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sup&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coyne’s (1976) interpersonal theory of depression proposes that individuals suffering from depressive symptoms tend to engage in excessive reassurance-seeking (ERS), defined as repetitively asking for assurances from close others about one’s lovability and worth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Research has shown that ERS is associated with negative evaluations from close others and lower partnerreported romantic relationship satisfaction, specifically (Starr &amp;amp; Davila, 2008). In a recent elaboration of Coyne’s theory, Evraire and Dozois (2011) proposed that ERS might only lead to rejection among individuals who possess core beliefs about the instability and unpredictability of relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's quite scientifically written, but it proposes that depression leads some people to ask their close others repeatedly to validate their lovability and worth. These close others may eventually grow tired of doing so, and thus the interpersonal relationship with these close others or a partner will deteriorate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a second article &lt;sup&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.psych.rochester.edu/research/starrlab/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/meta-analysis.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;2&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sup&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coyne’s (1976a, 1976b) interactional theory of depression has emerged as one of the most influential frameworks for studying interpersonal aspects of depression. In this model, mildly depressed people attempt to assuage feelings of guilt and low selfworth by seeking reassurance from others. At first, others provide support, but the depressed person doubts its authenticity and continues&#xA;to seek reassurance until the other person grows annoyed and rejects them. The rejection exacerbates their symptoms as the cycle continues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They give a pretty good definition of what the excessive reassurance seeking is: asking for reassurance until the other party grows annoyed and rejects them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for what 'depressive symptoms' are, they are the symptoms that might indicate a depression, such as &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinical-depression/symptoms/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this list from the nhs&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The psychological symptoms of depression include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;continuous low mood or sadness&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;feeling hopeless and helpless&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;having low self-esteem&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;feeling tearful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;feeling guilt-ridden&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;feeling irritable and intolerant of others&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;having no motivation or interest in things&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;finding it difficult to make decisions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;not getting any enjoyment out of life&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;feeling anxious or worried&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone that's depressed and presenting symptoms of ERS is trying to remedy these feelings of low-self esteem, guilt, anxiety, worries with reassurance from others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How is it applicable to life in modern society?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The interpersonal theory of depression is meant to give a framework to study the interpersonal aspects of depression, mostly focused on the part of depressed people seeking reassurance from their peers. So, the most direct application to life would be when you're studying depression and it's influence on interpersonal interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As stated in this article: &lt;sup&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.psych.rochester.edu/research/starrlab/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/meta-analysis.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;2&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interpersonal models have guided understanding of the etiology,&#xA;course, consequences, and treatment of depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Etiology is a medical term that means the cause, set of causes, or manner of causation of a disease or condition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, asides from just using the interpersonal theory of depression to better understand depression, it may also lead to an understanding of where this depression comes from, and lead to ways to prevent and treat depression (either by treating the consequences or 'curing' it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; 1: &lt;a href=&quot;https://qspace.library.queensu.ca/bitstream/handle/1974/8078/Stewart_Jeremy_G_201306_PhD.pdf?sequence=1&amp;amp;isAllowed=y&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Stewart, J. Testing an Integrated Interpersonal Theory of Depression: The Role of Dysphoria, Negative&#xA;Relationship Cognitions and Excessive Reassurance-Seeking in Predicting Rejection, June 2013&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt; 2: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.psych.rochester.edu/research/starrlab/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/meta-analysis.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Starr, L. and Davila J. Excessive Reassurance Seeking, Depression, and Interpersonal Rejection: A Meta-Analytic Review, 2008&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T17:57:20.053" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14601" CreationDate="2018-05-17T09:27:10.383" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depression often leads to a lack of self-confidence. Though there is a human tendency to seek attention, prove our worthiness and get accepted by society, a lack of self-confidence leads people to ask if they're worthy and can be accepted. Those who are depressed often ask for worthiness and acceptance from their social relationships in order to alleviate their feelings of unworthiness and guilt, which may lead to excessively asking and more depression if they're rejected. This is what constitutes &lt;strong&gt;Excessive Reassurance Seeking&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://etd.ohiolink.edu/!etd.send_file?accession=csu1460405442&amp;amp;disposition=inline&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this paper&lt;/a&gt;,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To review, those who excessively seek reassurance unintentionally generate interpersonal negative life events and experience rejection by social supports who become frustrated from being asked to provide reassurance excessively (Coyne , 1976a, 1976b). A search for self - worth mediates the relationship between interpersonal stress and subsequent ERS behavior, which suggests that people may seek reassurance more often when they are unsure of how others feel about them (Joiner, Katz, &amp;amp; Lew, 1999).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What constitutes depressive symptoms?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Signs that may indicate depression are Depressive Symptoms. Here is a list of some of them (taken from &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-symptoms-causes#1&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;),&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sad, empty, or anxious.&lt;/strong&gt; It will continue over time without getting better or going away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Helpless, worthless, or guilty.&lt;/strong&gt; You may feel bad about yourself or your life, or think a lot about losses or failures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hopeless.&lt;/strong&gt; You may be pessimistic or believe that nothing good will ever happen. You may even think about suicide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Irritable.&lt;/strong&gt; You may get restless or more cranky than usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Less interest in activities.&lt;/strong&gt; Hobbies or games you usually enjoy may not appeal to you. You may have little or no desire to eat or have sex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Less energetic.&lt;/strong&gt; You may feel extremely tired or think more slowly. Daily routines and tasks may seem too hard to manage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Trouble concentrating.&lt;/strong&gt; It could be tough to focus. Simple things like reading a newspaper or watching TV may be hard. You may have trouble remembering details. It might seem overwhelming to make a decision, whether it's big or small.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Changes in the way you sleep.&lt;/strong&gt; You may wake up too early or have trouble falling asleep. The opposite can also happen. You may sleep much longer than usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Changes in appetite.&lt;/strong&gt; You may overeat or not feel hungry. Depression often leads to weight gain or weight loss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Aches and pains.&lt;/strong&gt; You may have headaches, cramps, an upset stomach, or digestive problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is this theory? What exactly does it theorize?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This theory is about the interpersonal aspect of depression. In other words, it is about how one in depression interacts with others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As explained above, it theorizes that how depression could lead to asking for reassurance in order to feel worthy which may further lead to more depression and affect the relationship between a person in depression and others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How is it applicable to life in modern society?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We make social relationships to support us in distress. This theory focuses on the part how depression can affect one's social relationships, which can lead them to exhaust all their peers in need which further leads to rejection from them which can make a person end up in depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This theory identifies the pathways which lead to depression and affect social relationships and interaction with them, which can help in preventing and treating depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T10:08:35.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14607" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14612" CreationDate="2018-05-17T09:37:01.777" Score="7" ViewCount="1192" Body="&lt;p&gt;My spouse has a friend who we both like a lot and love to hang out with her and her boyfriend, who is also very kind, but not as close as the friend. None of us have kids, we are all in our early 30s. We see each other as couples maybe once or twice per year, although we live in the same city. We've had some really enjoyable &quot;couple dates&quot;, and I, being a regular guy with relatively good interpersonal skills, would say that this could become a good friendship. There is just one thing that strikes me as awkward and I don't know what it means and how to handle it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time we meet and then say Good Bye, our befriended couple says, very sincerely, that we should hang out more often and that we should go on a vacation together. So far so good, my spouse and I would really like that. But when we inquire later on about a new date or specifically ask about going on a vacation, there are excuses such as &quot;we are sick&quot; (we've heard that one at least a dozen times), and no reply at all regarding the vacation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to note that all four participants have been born and raised in Germany. Germany has a very low-context and direct culture. Usually, when we say something, we mean it. It wouldn't strike me as awkward if the other couple was from an english-speaking culture, as this ritual appears to be more common there. There is, of course, a chance that one of them is really sick that often, but my statistical gut feeling tells me that this is unlikely. ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I interpret their behaviour(s)? Is it just &quot;being nice&quot; and not really caring about us? How should we respond?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit for clarity:&lt;/strong&gt; I would usually consider this as a nice way of saying &quot;no&quot;, but there are other occurrences. For example, after we announced that we want to move to a city close by, we're being told, &quot;No, please don't move away! We can't hang out anymore that easily!&quot; -- This is not the usual &quot;nice-no&quot; one usually has to deal with. Why say something like that if there's no interest in hanging out anymore?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17938" LastEditorUserId="17938" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T10:00:28.297" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T20:06:07.597" Title="How to interpret another couple's 'farewell ritual'?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14598" CreationDate="2018-05-17T09:39:00.700" Score="0" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Research&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You asked for researched skills, &lt;a href=&quot;https://personalexcellence.co/blog/constructive-criticism/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here's one&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To sum up the points listed in the article, these are the 6 pointers listed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use the Feedback Sandwich method&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;With Positive-Improve-Positive, your feedback is broken down into 3 segments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;You start off by focusing on the strengths — what you like about the item in question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Then, you provide the criticism — things you don’t like, the areas of improvement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Lastly, you round off the feedback with (a) a reiteration of the positive comments you gave at the start and (b) the positive results that can be expected if the criticism is acted upon.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It’s called the “feedback sandwich” because you wedge your criticism between an opening and an ending — like a patty wedged between two buns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Focus on the situation, not the person&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some simple steps to apply this tip:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Firstly, detach the situation from the person. This distinction is crucial. Take the person out of the equation and focus on the behavior / action / situation / issue at hand.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Comment on the issue, not the person. For example, “The clothes are dirty” and not “You are dirty.” “The report is late” and not “You are late.” “The food is oily” and not “You are a bad cook.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Don’t make personal attacks. Comments like “I’m so sick and tired of…” or “You’re so stupid / negative / lazy / unorganized / ” come across as accusatory.  Stay away from attacks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Don’t use active voice; use passive voice. Example of active voice vs. passive voice: “You gave a bad presentation.” vs. “The presentation you gave was bad.” Notice that the passive voice shifts the attention away from the person and brings it to the subject matter.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Share how it affects you. Rather than go on and on about how bad the thing is, share how it affects you. This shifts the focus away from the person and onto yourself, which lets the person take a step back to evaluate the situation. It also gives him/her insight to where you are coming from.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be specific with your feedback&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That’s not to say that vague feedback is stupid or bad. It’s just that specific feedback helps me understand the user’s needs more easily, which makes it easy for me to serve his/her request. Likewise, it’s the same for you — if you want very actionable outcomes, if you want people to help you in a more targeted way, give specific vs. vague feedback. Specific feedback that doesn’t target the person as I shared in tip #2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Here’s how to make your feedback specific and hence actionable:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Focus more on objective points than subjective opinions. Just saying “I don’t like it” is not helpful. On the other hand, stating the specific things you do not like, is helpful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Break your feedback down into key points. Don’t give your feedback as one big lump. Break it down into various key points, then give your feedback point by point.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Give specific examples of each point. What are the exact situations or examples where the person exhibits the behaviors you highlighted in #2? Point them out. There is no need to highlight every single example – just pointing out 1-2 key examples per point will be sufficient. The intention here is to (a) bring the person’s awareness to things which he/she may be oblivious about and (b) illustrate what you mean.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comment on things which can be actioned upon&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The whole point of giving feedback is to help the person improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hence talk about things which the person can do something about, rather than things that are out of his/her control. Critiquing the former makes your criticism constructive; critiquing the latter just makes the person feel bad because he/she can’t do anything about it, even if he/she wants to. While you can make points on latter especially if they are very crucial, balance things out by talking about things he/she can control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Knowing what’s actionable and unactionable requires you to be empathetic. Understand the person’s situation and his/her objectives, then provide your critique based on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;5&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give recommendations on how to improve&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Firstly, your recommendations will tie up your critique in a nice bow. Everyone has varying perspectives, which means every critique can be interpreted in different ways. Giving recommendations will give the person a clear idea of what you have in mind. Secondly, recommendations provide a strong call-to-action. You want the person to act on what you have shared, not procrastinate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;With your recommendations, I recommend to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Be specific with your suggestions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Briefly explain the rationale behind the recommendation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;6&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don’t make assumptions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My final tip for giving constructive criticism is not to make assumptions. When providing criticism, do so within what you know as fact about the person and the subject. There’s no need to make any assumptions. Not only does it make the person look bad, it also makes you look bad — especially when your assumption is wrong. Not having a presumptuous attitude will go a long way in any communication, not just in giving criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe this information is reliable and shows credibility as the article:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Wasn't solely based on opinions; there were loads of examples given on the site itself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Had listed known concepts like the &quot;feedback sandwich&quot; for example can be found on many other sites online, including WikiHow.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, the site holds courses and has many other articles about personal excellence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My experience&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back in college we often had to do projects together as a team and I find myself working with counterparts that are slightly weaker than me in the field of study. However I wasn't good with giving my feedback to them, so I mostly just said &quot;Can all of you just read up and research more on this topic you're writing about? I can't be vetting everyone's work.&quot; Little did I know I fell victim to point 1, 2 and 3 of the article. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't really give any positive feedback to the team.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was (unintentionally) nitpicking on my teammates instead of actually focusing on the matter&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All the feedback I ever gave was vague. (&quot;Can all of you just read up and research more on this topic you're writing about? I can't be vetting everyone's work.&quot; sounds as vague as a feedback could get.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yea, I probably would've been better off researching more about how to get my point across in a better manner, and maybe I'd have spared myself the effort of vetting through the entire contents of the reports throughout the years. Just a little anecdote of mine. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastEditorUserId="16292" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T12:44:37.267" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T12:44:37.267" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14607" CreationDate="2018-05-17T10:02:29.667" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being typical Germans, they say &quot;we should…&quot; to be polite — but the fact your follow-up attempts to deepen the friendly relationship always turn out negative means they don't want to rub a &quot;no&quot; into your face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: they are &quot;nette Bekannte&quot; (nice acquaintances), but by no means &quot;echte Freunde&quot; (real friends).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you should react depends on your own expectations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Either you keep it as-is and play along while not expecting anything (which might leave you with an &quot;I'm dishonest&quot; feeling, which is why I personally dislike playing along by also &lt;em&gt;faking&lt;/em&gt; it), or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you confront them by directly but friendly asking them about it to clarify things in an open and honest way (which, from my personal experience, might be too much for them and you'll be risking to lose an acquaintance or two as a result).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Differently worded: you can either play along and also &quot;fake it&quot;, or you can try to clarify while risking to &quot;break it&quot;. Personally, I'ld go for &quot;honest, even if it breaks it&quot; scenario as I detest faking the level of a friendship/relationship — but that's just me. Only you can say which option suits you best. After all, you'll have to live with the outcome of one of those two scenarios.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;EDIT (after Q was edited)&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is not the usual &quot;nice-no&quot; one usually has to deal with. Why say something like that if there's no interest in hanging out anymore?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you're expecting too much, or maybe your gut feeling is suspicious for a good reason… Which is why would directly ask them in a friendly way (&quot;to clear your confusion&quot; so to say).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing better than an honest exchange to clarify things… even when that inhibits the danger of getting disappointed. See, there might exist good reasons for them to act like they do which they may be reluctant to talk about (eg: &lt;em&gt;we want to, but we don't have the money/time/whatever&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Close acquantances like you describe them to be, should be able to understand your &quot;confusion about the situation&quot; and realize that sometimes, one needs to explain things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all works well, both couples will have a better understanding of each other. If it doesn't, at least you know you're hoping for more than they're willing to give (which would render their behaviour into the &quot;soft no&quot; I mentioned earlier on).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9134" LastEditorUserId="9134" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T11:12:14.023" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T11:12:14.023" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14593" CreationDate="2018-05-17T10:26:22.523" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can´t give you a full answer as I probably lack the experience, but as far as my encounters go, everyone has to find their own way that works for them anyways. So I´ll try to give some general advice regarding the big &quot;L&quot; word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I love you!&lt;/em&gt; should be &lt;em&gt;unconditional&lt;/em&gt;. I´d be cautious about your expectations towards her. The whole celebrating part may be too much. If you give her the info, you should also give her the room she needs to handle it. (you seem to know that, but still...)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Listen to your long-standing girlfriend (lsg). What does she feel? Does she want to confess her love on her own terms? Is she okay with not being part of it when you do it?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Love is an &lt;em&gt;individual&lt;/em&gt;, internal feeling. If you decide to convey your and your lsg´s feelings towards her together, it´s clear that the two of you both talked about it before. This has both its &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;pros&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It my save her from the impression this is a one-sided feeling, which disturbs your balance (as opposed to, she hears it only from you)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It enables you to have an open exchange with everybody present and on the same boat. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It may be more &lt;em&gt;romantic&lt;/em&gt;, in the sense of you forming a union of three.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and &lt;strong&gt;cons&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It´s less intimate, you´d generalize both your individual feelings.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It´s less from the heart, as opposed to when you just blab it out the moment you feel it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It may convey the she comes second to you two, as you talked about intimate details without her first.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It may increase pressure to respond, staring at two faces.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A middle ground would be to agree with your lsg that whenever any of you feels like telling her, it is ok for you to do so and to reassure her that the other one feels the same way. Something like &lt;em&gt;Wow I think I really love you, new girl, and I know lsg feels the same about you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T10:26:22.523" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14593" CreationDate="2018-05-17T10:43:24.133" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Telling someone that you love them is the same whether either of you are seeing other people or not. It's still going to be one person expressing their feelings toward another. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When telling someone &quot;I love you&quot; it's important to keep in mind what you are actually communicating while using this phrase. In addition to being an expression of a feeling, the phrase is more often used to impose upon the receiving person in some way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably the most common impilcature attached to the phrase &quot;I love you.&quot; is when it's said with the expectation that the receiving person will respond by saying  &quot;I love you too.&quot; This can put people on the spot, if they haven't given their feelings much thought, or if they place special symbolic importance on the word. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another common implicature to the phrase &quot;I love you.&quot; is to make someone feel obligated, or responsible for your feelings. It can be used to dump a pile of emotional baggage into someone's lap. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be mindful of how your partner will interpret what you are saying. Try to frame it as you telling them about a feeling you have, that you think is relevant, rather than something that obligates them to behave in any particular way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T11:47:09.343" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T11:47:09.343" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14607" CreationDate="2018-05-17T10:57:55.447" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How can I interpret their behaviour(s)?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the German cultural standards I know, they're acting very weird (in particular asking you to not move &quot;away&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My interpretation is that they're bad at time management and forecasting their own emotions: They would like to do something with you - but only when they're in the mood on that day and when it's convenient for them. Otherwise they'll cancel. Also, they seem to put the onus of making arrangements and proposing dates on you. (Yeah, that's not very considerate but not uncommon...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try various things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Shift the effort of making arrangements back to them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Them:&lt;/em&gt; We should really meet more often!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You:&lt;/em&gt; That sounds nice! Let us know when you're planning something, we're happy to join!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be friendly but make it clear that you expect &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; to negotiate a date, select an activity, etc.. Maybe they don't like what you propose or the times you propose, so let them propose something they like. Then wait what happens.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask them what's going on. When you're hanging out, bring up the topic in a friendly manner;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You've suggested hanging out more often but when we ask about dates you seem very busy. What's up with that? Is there a way we can make finding a date easier?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;May or may not yield results, depending what the real reasons for their evasiveness is and how aware they are about it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Accept that you're the organiser in this relationship and keep investing if hanging out with them is worth it. Keep proposing multiple dates until they accept one. With some people it just takes longer to get a slot in their busy schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let the relationship fade out. In particular if the other options come to nothing, downgrade your effort and just wait what they do.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T10:57:55.447" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14607" CreationDate="2018-05-17T11:20:49.897" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there are several elements to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's a general trend in that age today - you are settled in and its hard to get moving. It was easier in your 20's to get up an do something. There's even comedy about this phenomenon (also the sudden sickness): &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36_kkQuved4&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;See German comedian: Sebastion Puffpaff&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is's a form of courtesy. Translate &lt;em&gt;we should hang out more often&lt;/em&gt; as &lt;em&gt;we really like you and we had a good time&lt;/em&gt; if it is said in a farewell ritual. This may be due to a different upbringing, as not all Germans are as straightforward.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's heartfelt at that moment, but in a more &lt;em&gt;sober&lt;/em&gt; moment, they'd rather do something else.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are basically three ways to deal with this (can also be combined):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lower your expectations. They are Acquaintances and you can spend a nice time together every now and then. That's it, not more to expect. Just disregard any such comments and let them come to you when they ever really want to increase contact.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be assertive. For example, when they mention seeing each other more often don't say: &lt;em&gt;Oh yea, that would be nice!&lt;/em&gt; say: &lt;em&gt;Oh yea, let's set a date right now&lt;/em&gt;. When they cancel later on because they are &lt;em&gt;sick&lt;/em&gt;, ask for an alternate date when the'll have recovered.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Invite them to spontaneous, non-binding activities more often. Like: &lt;em&gt;Hey, we are just in town this evening - would you like to join us for some some drinks?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While &lt;strong&gt;1&lt;/strong&gt; is a guaranteed success, this may not be the &lt;em&gt;friends&lt;/em&gt; your are looking for. &lt;strong&gt;2&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;amp; &lt;strong&gt;3&lt;/strong&gt; puts pressure on them, so you also risk your friendship deteriorating. You'll quickly see how your response rate turns out. If it leads to you seeing each other more often, fine. If not, you have at least a clear answer: They a not &lt;em&gt;real friends&lt;/em&gt; and they don't want to be!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T20:06:07.597" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T20:06:07.597" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7866" CreationDate="2018-05-17T11:50:47.240" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This exact situation happened to me with multiple family members. She doesn't respect your opinions.&lt;/strong&gt; Whether or not she should is up to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth clarifying that this is lecturing, rather than someone monologuing. She's a authoritive person in your life and lecturers &amp;amp; teachers would be just as guilty of this. If she lectures everybody, then I can't help, otherwise read on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For many years as a child you listened to her lectures relatively content, and she's become used to that. She is trying to help, and when you were younger this was the best method she found to do this. It sounds a lot like the relationship between you and her has changed a lot in your mind, but not in hers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're a student, which means you've likely hit the period where you start to spend much less time around your mother, there's a good change she just wants to talk to you, and feel like you're listening to her the same way you used to. Sorry to be sappy, but I wish I did more of this when I could.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above doesn't answer the question, but it's setup for this bit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can try to convert the relationship between you and her from that of teacher/student to two friends, likely by earning her respect.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That means by listening to her thoughts (yes the really long ones), and replying with comments that show you both listened, but also have your own beliefs with reasons she understands and respects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me this started to change when I got a job and she became more interested in what I had to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7927" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T11:50:47.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14615" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14616" CreationDate="2018-05-17T11:52:34.433" Score="44" ViewCount="14501" Body="&lt;p&gt;In all my jobs so far I have had coworkers who spent their lunch breaks together. At my current job there are a lot of restaurants close and everyone goes there during their break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a very introverted person, so social interactions can make me very tired, on top of a health problem that does that too. Sometimes I just need a breather during my break but I can't seem to shake my coworkers without lying to them or 'confessing' I'm a little tired of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I've tried things like these:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Are you coming?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Oh no thanks I'm staying inside. (with the idea of being alone)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Oh so will I then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I'm running to shop x for a second, I'll see you later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Oh no problem I'll join you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Oh you don't need to, I can go alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: I'd like to have a walk so I'm joining!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I avoid them tagging along?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand they mean well and just want to be sociable and often I join their outings but sometimes I just need a break. I'd prefer not to say        I'm tired of social things or that I'm not feeling well and since I appreciate these people and need to work with them I do not want to lie either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T07:01:59.237" Title="How can I say I want to be left alone without having to explain myself or lie about it?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14615" CreationDate="2018-05-17T12:07:38.097" Score="62" Body="&lt;p&gt;Answer in a way that makes it clear you don't want company. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when they ask, &quot;Are you coming?&quot; you could respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you, but not today. I need some time alone to clear my&#xA;  head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd love to, but I've already made other plans for today. I´ll&#xA;  join you next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, today I can't. I have some private matters to&#xA;  attend to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but I need some time to myself. (courtesy of @Upper_Case)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally, that should not trigger any further inquiries. If someone insists, it should be OK to say that you just need some alone time every now and then to clear your head and regenerate during your breaks. Or you can just tell them you have &lt;em&gt;private&lt;/em&gt; matters to attend to and leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Responding to comments: If the &quot;I need time to clear my head&quot; triggers concern at your place, either don't use it or counter it by hinting that you need some fresh air / distance from your desk to think about / process work-related stuff. Your colleagues will get used to seeing you taking walks alone in the park once or twice a week after a stressful morning in the office and accept that it's your preferred method of stress-relief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T03:34:12.663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T03:34:12.663" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-17T12:20:58.803" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In most cases, if they've said something short and low on qualification like &quot;I'm pregnant&quot; they intend to tell you more and you don't even need to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pause exists to break up the impact of the news, get your attention and provide you an early-out if you don't have time to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The average person isn't going to blanket-spam every one of their friends on facebook individually saying &quot;I'm pregnant&quot; and just leave it at that, they sought you out to tell you about it and/or get your opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you need to do is acknowledge and react at all and they'll be ecstatic or grousing/crying in their next sentence depending on their mood, they likely aren't even looking for your opinion per-say, more sharing the news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So a good instant-messaging response might be to say &quot;Oh wow!&quot; and then wait for them to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T12:20:58.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14598" CreationDate="2018-05-17T12:43:39.280" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://psycnet.apa.org/record/1988-26454-001&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;Baron, R. A. (1988). Negative effects of destructive criticism: Impact on conflict, self-efficacy, and task performance. Journal of Applied Psychology, 73(2), 199-207.&quot;&gt;This article &lt;sup&gt; 1 &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; gives a short and sweet definition of what makes feedback constructive or unconstructive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In Study 1, 83 undergraduates received either constructive criticism (feedback that was specific, considerate, and did not attribute poor performance to internal causes) or destructive criticism (feedback that violated these basic principles) of their work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The study focused on providing a specific kind of criticism, and called that constructive, and a type of criticism lacking these characteristics, which was called destructive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.academia.edu/download/38965316/cole_-_Constructive_criticism.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;Cole, D. (2008). Constructive Criticism: The Role of Student-Faculty Interactions on African American and Hispanic Students&amp;#39; Educational Gains. Journal of College Student Development 49(6) 587-605&quot;&gt;A second article &lt;sup&gt; 2 &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; provides a definition focused on teacher-student relationships: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Research suggests that faculty constructive criticism should be immediate (i.e., timely), specific to the level of performance and skill or task, offer useful and varied strategies for skill improvement, and end with the goal of mastery learning&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Carlton_Fong/publication/303784733_Deconstructing_constructive_criticism_The_nature_of_academic_emotions_associated_with_constructive_positive_and_negative_feedback/links/5a92c20daca272140565bd88/Deconstructing-constructive-criticism-The-nature-of-academic-emotions-associated-with-constructive-positive-and-negative-feedback.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;Fong, J. et al (2016). Deconstructing constructive criticism: The nature of academic emotions associated with constructive, positive, and negative feedback. Learning and Individual Differences, 49, 393-399&quot;&gt;This study &lt;sup&gt; 3 &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; did some research into how students experienced constructive feedback and asked them to define constructive criticism. They identified several categories in students definitions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;a) &lt;em&gt;improvement&lt;/em&gt;—definition mentions that the feedback is intended to&#xA;  lead to improvements or to be helpful or beneficial; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  b) &lt;em&gt;strengths&lt;/em&gt;—definition mentions that feedback identifies correct or wellperformed aspects of the task; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  c) &lt;em&gt;weaknesses&lt;/em&gt;—definition mentions that feedback highlights incorrect aspects of the task; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  d) &lt;em&gt;kind delivery&lt;/em&gt;—definition mentions that the feedback is stated in a face-saving manner; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  e) &lt;em&gt;harsh delivery&lt;/em&gt;—definition mentions that the feedback is stated&#xA;  with a critical tone; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;  f) &lt;em&gt;honest/unbiased&lt;/em&gt;—definition mentions that feedback seems straightforward, sincere, and lacking “sugar-coating.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All in all, this research on constructive criticism seems to support the methods suggested on &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Criticize-Constructively#Offering_Constructive_Criticism_sub&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;wikihow&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Begin in a positive way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Keep your emotions out of it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Smile and use warm body language&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Watch the tone of your voice&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Avoid negative language, blaming and personal attacks&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Be specific&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Encourage self-critique&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Focus on the behaviour, not the person&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Make your feedback helpful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Don't say too much at once&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Know when to stop critiquing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Follow up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making sure your criticisms begin in a positive way, that you keep your emotions out of it and that you watch your body language and tone of voice are all a part of a kind delivery, and being considerate. Mention the parts of the task this person performed well, have them realise it's not all bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoiding negative language, being specific and focusing on the behaviour instead of the person will ensure they feel encouraged to actually try and change their behaviour. It also helps in avoiding attributing a poor performance to internal causes: You're not giving the criticism because the person is bad, but because something they did was poorly performed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make your feedback helpful and don't say too much at once: this helps making your feedback more specific, instead of leaving the person feeling that everything they did was wrong. Focus on one thing at a time, and know when to stop. Offer useful insights into what this person can improve &lt;em&gt;and how they can do this&lt;/em&gt;, to become better at the task they did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since learning is an ongoing progress, it's important to follow up on critique you made. You offered someone points to improve, offering a compliment when you notice the improvement is encouraging, no matter how small the improvement is. Focus on the improvements made. If you do this, it's likely to encourage the person on the receiving end of the criticism to be more open to try and improve the next time too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of the above is written from the perspective you mentioned in your question: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Answers should assume that any scenario is one where constructive criticism might actually be listened to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Carlton_Fong/publication/303784733_Deconstructing_constructive_criticism_The_nature_of_academic_emotions_associated_with_constructive_positive_and_negative_feedback/links/5a92c20daca272140565bd88/Deconstructing-constructive-criticism-The-nature-of-academic-emotions-associated-with-constructive-positive-and-negative-feedback.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;Fong, J. et al (2016). Deconstructing constructive criticism: The nature of academic emotions associated with constructive, positive, and negative feedback. Learning and Individual Differences, 49, 393-399&quot;&gt;third study &lt;sup&gt; 3 &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/a&gt; I mentioned before is an interesting read when it comes to this: Students were divided into groups based on whether they were feedback-seekers (people actually looking for feedback) or feedback-avoiders (people that rather didn't get any feedback at all). It turns out that feedback-seekers are actually the kinds of people that will react better to both constructive criticism and negative feedback (you messed this up) as feedback-avoiders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;1: &lt;a href=&quot;http://psycnet.apa.org/record/1988-26454-001&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;Baron, R. A. (1988). Negative effects of destructive criticism: Impact on conflict, self-efficacy, and task performance. Journal of Applied Psychology, 73(2), 199-207.&quot;&gt;Baron, R. A. (1988). Negative effects of destructive criticism: Impact on conflict, self-efficacy, and task performance. Journal of Applied Psychology, 73(2), 199-207.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;2: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.academia.edu/download/38965316/cole_-_Constructive_criticism.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;Cole, D. (2008). Constructive Criticism: The Role of Student-Faculty Interactions on African American and Hispanic Students&amp;#39; Educational Gains. Journal of College Student Development 49(6) 587-605&quot;&gt;Cole, D. (2008). Constructive Criticism: The Role of Student-Faculty Interactions on African American and Hispanic Students' Educational Gains. Journal of College Student Development 49(6) 587-605&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt; &lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;3: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Carlton_Fong/publication/303784733_Deconstructing_constructive_criticism_The_nature_of_academic_emotions_associated_with_constructive_positive_and_negative_feedback/links/5a92c20daca272140565bd88/Deconstructing-constructive-criticism-The-nature-of-academic-emotions-associated-with-constructive-positive-and-negative-feedback.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;Fong, J. et al (2016). Deconstructing constructive criticism: The nature of academic emotions associated with constructive, positive, and negative feedback. Learning and Individual Differences, 49, 393-399&quot;&gt;Fong, J. &lt;em&gt;et al&lt;/em&gt; (2016). Deconstructing constructive criticism: The nature of academic emotions associated with constructive, positive, and negative feedback. Learning and Individual Differences, 49, 393-399&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T13:06:08.773" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T13:06:08.773" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14619" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14621" CreationDate="2018-05-17T13:17:15.063" Score="2" ViewCount="2118" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often find myself in situations, where I'd love to greet someone that I barely know. For example: when I'm doing my workout routine in the gym, I see a person that I once helped to e.g. lift something. Though I don't really know the person I would like to greet him/her properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question(s):&#xA;How do I greet someone I just talked to once or helped once? What do I do if he/she is not looking towards me? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not that difficult with people from the same gender and age (I'm 22 years old male living in Germany), but it still feels weird to look more than usual towards him/her until he/she notices me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not very important to me to get to know a person better, but I would like to increase the number of people that I can greet and also greet me even though they haven't spoken to me a lot. I think that would cause a way friendlier environment for all of us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13390" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T15:30:15.837" LastActivityDate="2021-04-02T13:10:50.950" Title="How do you greet people you barely know?" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;&lt;young-adults&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14615" CreationDate="2018-05-17T13:25:33.680" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are not alone in this: I am not an introvert, I need socialising badly, but even I need a break as often as not. Particularly in a situation where I'm surrounded for long hours by people whom I did not pick to be my friends (read co-workers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution? I always carry a book with me. Any time I want to spend my break alone, I pull out my book, and respond to any attempt at light socialising with something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, this chapter is really gripping / I left it on a cliff-hanger / etc., and I've been dying to find out how it gets resolved. Would you mind terribly if we talk some other time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, &lt;strong&gt;contained in my answer is the explanation that it's not that I don't want to talk with this particular co-worker, or my co-workers in general&lt;/strong&gt;. This is important - if you do not offer an alternative explanation, or a &quot;next time&quot; suggestion, people might assume you do not enjoy their company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it is not a lie - I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; an avid book-reader. Now, what if you are not? If books are not your thing, consider what other hobbies you might be able to bring to work. It is understood that people have hobbies, and might want to use any spare time (such as a lunch break) to work on those hobbies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T13:25:33.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14621" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14619" CreationDate="2018-05-17T13:36:07.287" Score="4" Body="&lt;h2&gt;The thing you shouldn't do...&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most common mistake that a person would make is to &lt;strong&gt;portray&lt;/strong&gt; their awkwardness in a situation like this. Never approach the other party if you are going to be awkward about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, try not to ask questions like &quot;how was your day?&quot; or &quot;what did you do today?&quot; as these questions seem to throw off the conversation and tends to be boring, or may come across as &quot;probing&quot; to the other party, &lt;strong&gt;unless&lt;/strong&gt; it is common in your local culture to ask these questions as a conversation starter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Do's&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to be exuding your confidence in social interactions in these kind of situations. In any case, face it like any other normal interaction you would have on the street if you bump into a friend or a relative. Also, be clear about your purpose of greeting the other party (especially if they are facing away from you). You don't want the situation to end up in an awkward silence after you exchange greetings with each other. Making small talk is good but keeping it short is ideal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If the other party is facing away from you&lt;/strong&gt;, you can walk up to them and give them a light tap on the shoulder and introduce yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey there, remember me? I helped you with [something] the other day. [Continue on with a topic you want to talk about... don't create the awkward silence between the both of you, as stated above].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last little pointer is you may offer to shake hands to ease in to the conversation with them, as you deem fit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T13:36:07.287" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14601" CreationDate="2018-05-17T14:21:40.563" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depression is a major subject and also a somewhat broad term. It is estimated that 1 in 6 individuals in modern western civilizations suffer from it over their lifetime in such a way that it (severely) affects their functioning. It includes major depressive disorder (single episode or recurrent), dysthymia (chronic depressive mood which may include depressive episodes or 'double depression'), disruptive depressive disorder (children), seasonal affective disorder, postpartum depression and many others. Wikipedia allocates a whole &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Depression_(psychology)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;category&lt;/a&gt; to it. Proper diagnosis can only be done by a psychiatrist or a mental health care professional and involves a certain amount of differential diagnosis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other answers give those for &lt;a href=&quot;https://images.pearsonclinical.com/images/assets/basc-3/basc3resources/DSM5_DiagnosticCriteria_MajorDepressiveDisorder.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;major depressive disorder&lt;/a&gt;, I'll summarize the criteria for &lt;a href=&quot;https://images.pearsonclinical.com/images/assets/basc-3/basc3resources/DSM5_DiagnosticCriteria_PersistentDepressiveDisorder.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;dysthymia&lt;/a&gt; (from DSM-V):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Depressed mood for most of the day, for more days than not, as indicated by either subjective account or observation by others, for at least 2 years.&#xA;Note: In children and adolescents, mood can be irritable and duration must be at least 1 year.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Presence, while depressed, of two (or more) of the following:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Poor appetite or overeating.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Insomnia or hypersomnia.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Low energy or fatigue.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Low self-esteem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Poor concentration or difficulty making decisions. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Feelings of hopelessness.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;During the 2-year period (1 year for children or adolescents) of the disturbance, the individual has never been without the symptoms in Criteria A and B for more than 2 months at a time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Criteria for a major depressive disorder may be continuously present for 2 years.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There has never been a manic episode or a hypomanic episode, and criteria have never been met for cyclothymic disorder. The disturbance is not better explained by a persistent schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, delusional disorder, or other specified or unspecified schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorder. The symptoms are not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or another medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Excessive reassurance seeking&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those with depressive symptoms, especially the intrapersonal mental ones (low self esteem, feeling of hopelessness), seek reassurance of worthiness and acceptance by others to alleviate feelings of worthlessness and guilt and do so more than others without such symptoms. When done excessively this may lead to negative responses from close ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The theory&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coyne's original theory (1976) proposes that the behavior of the depressed individual to seek reassurance depletes their social support networks by seeking too much support (i.e., social support erosion). Ultimately they are rejected by former social support members who become frustrated by being asked to provide reassurance excessively. Both the rejection and the erosion of the social support fuel the feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness, worsening the depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another suggested pathway is through interpersonal stress (1995), where the depressed individual unintentionally generates negative life events (or perceived negative life events) through interpersonal interactions. Negative life events risk strengthening the depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both pathways are typical of the vicious negative spiral of depression except that for these pathways is the interpersonal interaction that is fueling the depression and not just intrapersonal negative thought cycles. Both pathways suggest a causal relationship (first you are depressed, then you seek reassurance, then you get a negative response, which makes you more depressed for which you seek even more reassurance and so on) but there is large grey area before clinical depression. For instance, one may start out being uncertain about a certain task, seek reassurance, not receive it, causing more uncertainty and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&amp;amp;rct=j&amp;amp;q=&amp;amp;esrc=s&amp;amp;source=web&amp;amp;cd=6&amp;amp;cad=rja&amp;amp;uact=8&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwifhrGpsIzbAhVM_qQKHf2DDsgQFghZMAU&amp;amp;url=https%3A%2F%2Fetd.ohiolink.edu%2F!etd.send_file%3Faccession%3Dcsu1460405442%26disposition%3Dinline&amp;amp;usg=AOvVaw07kZOIM2r7knklQSft8DEt&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;article&lt;/a&gt; discusses the two pathways and attempts to correlate the four (ERS, social support group, interpersonal stress, depression) through standardized tests and finds that the coupling between ERS and depression is correlated through interpersonal stress as the main pathway. It also attempts to find a correlation with a physiological process (parasympathetic nervous system activity) but more or less fails to find evidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How does it impact life in modern society?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1 in 6 individuals suffer from one form or the other over their lifetime. I am such a person, suffering from mild dysthymia and having suffered two mild depressive episodes. Things are improving for me, my dysthymia was at least partially fueled by suppressed gender dysphoria. It is a virtual certainty  you will meet several people suffering from depressive symptoms during your life in your social network.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be kind, be reassuring when asked for, be patient, don't reject and do not abandon, but do not assume the position of a mental health care professional. Do suggest - with all possible precautions as they may not accept that they need help - that they might want to seek professional help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastEditorUserId="16263" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T16:54:46.907" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T16:54:46.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14624" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14627" CreationDate="2018-05-17T14:22:42.723" Score="44" ViewCount="17516" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I are going on a holiday in her native country, about 800km from our current city.&#xA;We planned this holiday months ago and we planned to stay for 2 weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today her mother asked me out of the blue if she could come with us during the travel because she wants to come visit her relatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, I don't want her to come with us. This travel our travel, not hers. It's not that I don't like her, but I feel that the travel would not be the same if there was only the two of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I'm quite stunned about the question: If I were the parent in this situation, I would use public means to come and visit my relatives and surely not bother my daughter and her boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I answer that I don't want her to come with us without offending her and in a polite way?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to be rude and I don't want to hurt her, but I feel that she passed my boundaries and I want to give a firm but polite answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She asked only to travel with us, she won't stay with us during the holiday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking such a thing, she is also asking me to prolong my 8 hours travel by another 50 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my first time I undertake such a trip, so it will be really heavy without prolonging it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We depart during the night, not sure how she will handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure about this but my car is pretty small and I'm not sure we will be ok with all the baggage if she comes ( she will surely have her own baggage).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She asked me through her daughter and not directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, my girlfriend doesn't like the idea of traveling with her mother too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Astralbee I'm 21, my girlfriend is now 19 and her mother is about 50ish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@1006a We've been dating for half a year now. I've spent a total of 2-3 lunches with her mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Jesse (Hope I understood your question) We don't mind her being in our same location, we mind her coming with us. We usually have to do the 50 minutes trip from my gf's house to mine, and when we do we usually sing, joke, talk about private matters and so.. that's why we would like to be only the two of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Sip The financial situation is not the best one, but she can afford it if she really wants to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Final Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: We went for the &quot;car is full/too small&quot; option and her mother seems to have accepted the answer. (Actually, after doing some thinking, the car will probably be almost overstuffed)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="168" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:46:30.260" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T19:46:30.260" Title="How can I deny a request from the mother of my girlfriend to tag along on our road trip?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;italy&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14619" CreationDate="2018-05-17T14:25:32.143" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Try to connect to what you already know!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like in your example, you share a hobby and you helped him once. You can hint at the first encounter to help him remember who you are, or you just relate to the hobby you share. You can&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &lt;em&gt;Hi there Again! How´s training progressing?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He: &lt;em&gt;Oh hi - fine, but still cant lift that weight without help.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &lt;em&gt;Ah, yea that´s hard! Hey, if you want to do that exercise, just ask, I´m always happy to help!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he´s occupied, wait for him to finish his set, obviously. But other than tha, just walk over and talk to him, keeping an open posture. If you want, you can offer a handshake which is always polite - as long as neither of you has sweaty fingers from the workout already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T14:25:32.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14626" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-17T14:32:28.257" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Explain it to her, making it about you, not about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for you offer to travel with us. I have given this some thought and, this time, I am afraid I'd prefer we travel alone. It's not about you, but please understand this is our first great trip together. We have everything planned already and I'd like to be able to concentrate on  entirely. I hope you understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It´s up to you how to tell her. If you want to prevent discussions and make clear this is your opinion as a couple, tell her together. If you Girlfriend is afraid to stand up to her Mother you can do it. If the two of them get along well, maybe she wants to do this to spare her any embarrassment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T21:45:03.387" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T21:45:03.387" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-17T14:59:00.773" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you have raised a legitimate concern about the size of your car. You have luggage to take, so one possibility is to make this your excuse. It is after all truthful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You or your girlfriend could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, we don't think that we will be able to fit you into our small car with all our luggage too. Even if we squeezed in we think it would be uncomfortable, and maybe even a safety concern. We just don't think we can drive for 8 or 9 hours in a cramped car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is probably the least offensive means as it is completely practical and not about personalities or feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, only use this if it is a strong argument. If you use this and she challenges it with something like &quot;it isn't that small!&quot; then any subsequent argument you use is definitely going to sound like you're making excuses, no matter how you phrase it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to tackle it completely honestly from the outset then one of you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We don't want to hurt your feelings, but we are really excited about this trip and we imagined it as just the two of us from the outset. Taking you along will make it very different for us. Could we please make our trip alone this time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T14:59:00.773" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-17T15:21:08.767" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're being asked for a favor. &lt;em&gt;'Sorry, but I'd rather not'&lt;/em&gt; is a complete sentence and a valid answer to a request for a favor. You're generally under no obligation to justify yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, when it concerns the immediate family of your significant other, you'll probably want to provide &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; justification. No matter what, you always want to tell the truth, but frame it nicely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We discussed it, but we'd really prefer to just be by ourselves for this vacation. We were really looking forward to spending this time as a couple, without having to account for anyone else. I'm sure you'd make every effort not to be a burden, but I'm sure you'll also agree that it's always different to travel as a couple or to have someone with you. Perhaps in the future we can plan a trip to visit the relatives together as the three of us, but for now we'd really prefer to be alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T15:21:08.767" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14629" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14615" CreationDate="2018-05-17T15:27:18.270" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest way that I deal with this is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but I like to read during lunch&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;I need to get some reading done so maybe another time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After repeating this once or twice, they shouldn't bother you. I do usually read, catching up on journal articles, blogs, papers, or just plain fiction. But even if I am not strictly reading, this excuse works and repeating it a few times, they won't ask and will just leave you alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works is because it signals to the co-workers that you are not interested in socializing with them; you prefer to have your lunch by yourself. It is short and succinct. It says nothing about the coworkers so there is not chance of offending them or patronizing them. The OP won't have to explain anything, aside from a follow-up question or two about what he reads or what he likes to read in which case he can be honest and tell them what he genuinely likes to read. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is perfectly 100% plausible because a lot of people do read during lunch. It is not uncommon or strange at all so it will be believable and readily accepted unless the OP has made it clear in the past that he really absolutely hates reading and detests books. In addition, once the coworkers accept this, the OP won't have to repeat himself again and again everyday because reading-during-lunch will be accepted as his habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3677" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T15:50:30.693" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T15:50:30.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14630" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14619" CreationDate="2018-05-17T15:29:24.077" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Try to make eye contact, or call out to them.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just go up to them without them seeing you, they may feel ambushed. Let them know you've seen them by making contact from a distance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you've made the initial contact, observe their body language. Try to gauge whether or not they are interested in having a conversation. If they look focused on what they're doing and barely acknowledge you, just give them a friendly smile and a wave and leave it at that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do seem interested, that's your cue to approach them and start a conversation, bu try to keep to the topic of your last interaction. For instance, if last time you helped them lift, something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I remember correctly, you were doing some lifting the last time we met. Would you like some help again today?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T15:29:24.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14515" CreationDate="2018-05-17T16:05:59.080" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been having the same conversation with my wife for the past twenty years, except for that period in there when we &lt;strong&gt;had&lt;/strong&gt; lost the weight (alas, she gained part of it back and I gained almost all of it back). In her case, there are other body image issues, which also play into it. This may also be the case with the OP's girlfriend as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Acknowledge her feelings.&lt;/strong&gt; If she needs to lose weight, she's aware of it, and may become upset if you tell her otherwise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Affirm your perception of her.&lt;/strong&gt; You're entitled to your view of her, so stand your ground.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't argue about it.&lt;/strong&gt; If she wants to challenge your view, don't get drawn into an argument; it will go nowhere.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Yes, sweetheart, you could stand to lose some weight. We both need to. I want to have a lot of years to spend with you, so I don't want either of us to drop dead of a heart attack. That doesn't mean that I don't find you drop-dead gorgeous.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3826" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T16:05:59.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14445" CreationDate="2018-05-17T16:58:25.243" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wanted to add that I have not always been perfect, and one of the things that did help me during my transition from moron to me was to internalize the &quot;why is it funny, precisely&quot; notion.  I would argue that this tidbit is more effectively placed into conversation at a later time.  That way you give the person the chance to not feel shamed or to perceive you as an adversary.  Just drop into conversation, something about how you ask yourself why something is funny, exactly, and how that's made you more diplomatic or able to sell more plastic crap to more people.  That way you're not saying it's wrong to say something, you're just saying &quot;by not saying offensive crap all the time, I benefit both socially, and economically&quot;.  This could also circumvent the backfire effect, because people change their mind because they want to, not because someone said they should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing.  I grew up in a part of the US that is theatrically racist.  I'm a white male.  When I am in groups of other white males, more often than you would think people say some truly hair-curlingly offensive things assuming everyone else is in agreement.  This is free information that you can't even pay money for, and I never agree, but I also don't usually do anything that would reveal my status as the enemy to everything they believe.  I may never use it against them, I may never see them again, but I know the score, and I know what these boys are really thinking.  When people in mixed company talk about how they're not racist, or sexist, or some people are just looking to be outraged I'm silently thinking about what I hear those guys say when no ones looking.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's like in The Godfather when Vito tells Sonny never to let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking again.  Don't let the homophobes ever have anything on you, but let them tell you everything awful inside them.  They'll think, based on nothing really, that you're an ally, right up until the point where they realize they've made one false move too many and they're ruined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12066" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T16:58:25.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-17T17:12:37.160" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say that you are quite stunned, but honestly, I would not be. If a close relative or friend would ask to me to travel with me on a trip that I would do anyway (and the car is big enough, which is a different matter), I usually would not refuse. It saves a lot of money and hassle for your girlfriend's mother, and is a bit annoying for you, so I would not consider it to be an impolite or rude request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can refuse to take her with you, but you cannot do it without hurting her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5010" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T00:02:27.547" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T00:02:27.547" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14593" CreationDate="2018-05-17T17:16:40.433" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, having had polyamorous relationships in the past, this can be one of the biggest &lt;em&gt;&quot;gotchas&quot;&lt;/em&gt; about poly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships tend to develop at different paces. Some fall in love quickly, others slowly. In a symmetrical polyamorous situation, where everyone is trying to have an equal and balanced relationship with everyone else, it's common for people to want things to move at roughly the same pace. That's not usually all that realistic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the start, things aren't all that balanced. You've had a longer relationship with one partner, who you're already living with, and presumably expressing your love for. Now you're also in love with someone new and that's awesome, but the newer relationship isn't on precisely the same footing as the longer term relationship.  Also your longer term partner has their own independent relationship with the newer partner. While they may very well be head over heels in love with her, her feelings are her own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(That's a small window into poly, for the uninitiated. Poly is complicated. Adding additional partners adds additional complexity in an exponential sort of way.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in, pretty much exactly, your situation before. It's tempting to try to get and keep everyone on the same page, so that everyone feels equal, equally cared for, and included. But as I've pointed out, it really isn't that simple. It's complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best method I've found is acceptance and lots, and lots, and lots of communication. As you all grow together your dynamics will unavoidably change. Sometimes you will feel closer to one partner. Sometimes you'll feel jealous or left out. Sometimes you'll be arguing with one partner and not the other. Sometimes you'll feel like your partners are ganging up on you. Sometimes your partners will be arguing about something that doesn't involve you in the slightest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things won't always feel symmetrical and that's... Normal? Normal doesn't feel like the right word... To be expected. So, expect it, accept it, talk about it openly and honestly, and hope for the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all of that in mind, I'd recommend telling your newer partner that you love them in your own time, independently. It'll likely come across as a bit more sincere if it's a one on one. And it will allow your partners' relationship to develop at its own pace, making the moment that they say it a little more special. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Knowing that your individual relationships with each other will progress at different rates, and have different ups and downs means that you are likely to want to progress the relationship at different rates. Like it, or not, saying &lt;em&gt;the L word&lt;/em&gt; for the first time is an important step in any relationship. Chances are everyone will be ready to take that step at slightly different times. So, asking it to be taken as a group is asking your partners to be at the same place as individuals and in the relationships at the same time. (Not impossible, but probably shouldn't be placed on them as an expectation)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as how to communicate about this specific situation... That's an incredibly broad sort of question. One that entire books can and probably have been written about. But the key is usually honestly communicating with both of your partners about how you're actually feeling. Not how you think you're supposed to feel, or how you want them to feel, but how you actually feel. And encourage them to do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I've done it, I usually had one on one conversations because it tends to avoid a majority rule problem. If two out of three are ready to take a step, the third may feel pressured to agree, and you really don't want that when it comes to love. After everyone has the chance to communicate one on one, then consider talking it over as a group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only hard &lt;em&gt;rule&lt;/em&gt; that seems to apply here is that open communication. Every poly arrangement I've encountered has subtle differences in approach, but the importance of openly communicating seems universal, even in monogamous relationships...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Seriously communicate, never assume that everyone is on the same page. Talk about it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a valuable resource for further info about polyamory, lot's of really helpful articles: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.morethantwo.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.morethantwo.com&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T20:11:37.483" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T20:11:37.483" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14638" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-17T18:16:55.290" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Besides some of the good suggestions in other answers, I'm going to take this on from the mother's point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you and your girlfriend are young, and it's your first trip together, she may be trying to do a couple things here.  The first is acting as a chaperone, with the second is that she may want to spend more time with you to get to know you better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For option 1, she may want to try to keep both of you aware that there is &quot;an adult&quot; around (as if you two weren't already adults), so you will be &quot;on your best behavior.&quot;  You don't mention how long you've been together or how intimate you are, so I'm going to assume the idea might be to prevent you two from &quot;getting any ideas&quot;, which would mean: becoming intimate if you weren't already that way.  In this case, refusing her a ride might be difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 2 goes into how long you've been dating and how much time you've spent with her parents.  You don't mention this, so it may be as simple as wanting to learn more about you, and a long car trip may be her idea of &quot;the best way&quot;, since it's harder to make &quot;excuses&quot; to get out of answering her questions.  Something like &quot;I'd love to answer that question, but we'd best be getting to the restaurant, our reservations...&quot; just won't apply in the car.  Think of this as a captured audience.  She may also just want to be a &quot;fly on the wall&quot;, to see how you and your girlfriend act when you're &quot;alone&quot;.  While refusing her a ride might not be what she wants, she may only put up basic arguments before living with your decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's always the possibility that she can't afford the trip without tagging along.  You don't mention how well off her parents are, which wasn't necessary for the question, but there's that possibility.  She could also see this just as a spur of the moment trip, where a ride is available, but if the ride isn't available, she won't actually take her trip.  In this case, the trip won't really matter and she'll brush it off as quickly as she thought up the idea of the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I'm not giving you a different answer, I thought a different aspect of the request might give you a different mindset when expecting a reaction from her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like Astralbee's answer in saying that the room available in the car is the reason for not wanting her to join you in the trip.  Since this is not based on feelings, desire, or anything less solid than &quot;facts&quot;, it'll likely work.  Especially since her family has already used that reason to not use their similar car to make a similar trip, as mentioned by you in comments.  Just make sure the back seat isn't completely empty when you leave!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3616" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T18:16:55.290" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-17T19:19:03.133" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Considering your girlfriend's mom doesn't seem to understand early couples prefer to spend quality time for themselves and specially have their 'first-times' without external interference, and &lt;strong&gt;considering your girlfriend doesn't want to take her either but she was not able to make some excuse by herself&lt;/strong&gt; before asking you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Chances are, you are gonna have to lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Car space is a real concern, just like it is privacy and quality time together, if your in-law isn't the insightful or wise type of person to understand that in advance (it seems she isn't), then &lt;strong&gt;exaggerate a concern she understands&lt;/strong&gt;, like car space in this case. Even if it sounds like a wrong thing to do for people with a ridiculous unreal sense of righteousness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you'll have to &lt;strong&gt;ask your girlfriend how does she feel&lt;/strong&gt; about lying to her mom in a way that she won't need to remember details of a false story, details is what makes lies hard to keep and easy to fail, there are no details in this story, it is a simple exaggeration of luggage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she agrees, then you need to make a simple excuse that doesn't leave space for discussion or subjectivity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The car is absolutely full, nothing else will fit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The car's capacity is not in question, no one is asking or saying how big or how small the car is, regardless of size, the car is absolutely full.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't elaborate too much into &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; the car is full, you can easily avoid that because your girlfriend will deliver the message, not you. So she can simply say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know. He's taking a bunch of stuff, (cold weather?=skiing equipment, a beach nearby?=snorkeling or surfing equipment).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure it's about inanimate objects, avoid including more parties on your lie at all cost, you don't want to say &quot;we're taking a couple of friends too&quot;, they won't be in the pictures. In the end, you are going to end with pictures with objects which might be rented on the spot, and if &lt;strong&gt;by any chance&lt;/strong&gt; she was to come over to your house and ask about the surf board, well&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It broke and I had to throw it out&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addressing people &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14474/17519&quot;&gt;offended&lt;/a&gt; by my suggestion to lie:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;No son in law should be trying to educate on &lt;strong&gt;common sense&lt;/strong&gt; the adult parent of their boy/girlfriend, this is common knowledge, at least in the western world and almost any other culture I'm informed about where parents are not an overbearing presence in their children's lives. But some people are simply, like, unaware, or don't care, and to avoid such a conflict, as in, &quot;let's try to educate your mom&quot;, it's easier, more polite and tactful to lie, yes a simple lie with no chances to get out of proportion, and proud of it. They can worry about building a stronger more fulfilling relationship with in-laws later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Live long and prosper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T23:45:42.437" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T23:45:42.437" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14593" CreationDate="2018-05-17T19:55:37.390" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;These two statements stand at odds:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was thinking the right approach would be asking my long-standing girlfriend if she already felt the same, I think she does, then we could take her together to a nice place and tell her there, or maybe agree with my girlfriend to tell her separately the same day on different circumstances made special in different ways, and later at night take her to a nice place with the 3 of us to celebrate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't answer things like &quot;what if she doesn't say it back&quot; because we don't worry about that. She will say it if she feels the same way and if she still doesn't, we are not putting pressure, there is no need to rush anything, I'm very confident she loves us back though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, the first paragraph appears full of &quot;I thinks&quot; and other guesses/assumptions. They tend to be toxic for relationships generally (&lt;a href=&quot;https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2013/07/20/assumptions-are-toxic-to-relationships/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2013/07/20/assumptions-are-toxic-to-relationships/&lt;/a&gt;), so I recommend asking all these questions explicitly before other any considerations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, I think it is folly to consider presenting the information to this person two persons on one, before asking how she would feel about such a thing. That would present her a challenging situation to contradict the two of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell our new partner &quot;I love you&quot; in a way that does not to ruin her experience of the relationship, or make her feel odd/awkward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this sort of task, I recommend I-statements (&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.communicationandconflict.com/i-statements.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.communicationandconflict.com/i-statements.html&lt;/a&gt;)! Using these, you can phrase it as only an expression of yourself, how you feel and what you want, without making it obligatory for her to respond in kind. Respect for personal boundaries in that way helps prevent awkwardness. Keep in mind that you can't stop her from feeling odd/awkward or anything else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17865" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T19:55:37.390" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14109" CreationDate="2018-05-17T20:28:23.577" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me give you a little theory before anwering your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every conversation and interaction with a person you did meet before has a &quot;relationship level&quot;. That means, all participants expect the other party to behave like they did last time and will speak and act in accordance to that expectations. &lt;em&gt;That's why first impressions are so important. You set the expectations about you for any following interaction.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your former &quot;friends&quot; (if you want to call them that) did exactly that. Almost 10 years ago they ignored you and isolated you from your other friends. When you met them again by chance, they continued their behavior by chickening out. You can expect them to do that at the reunion as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But they were not your only peers. There are other people who might have forgotten about you, but not deliberately ignored you. Maybe they didn't even do it on purpose, but belived in lies that you didn't want to see anyone. If your interactions with them before being isolated where positive and friendly, you can expect that to continue when meeting them again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice for you is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Think of you first. You want to go to the reunion, so go to the reunion. Don't let some people keep you from meeting those you really want to meet again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignore your former &quot;friends&quot;. Maybe they will ignore you as well, trying to avoid the confrontation about their ghosting. Maybe you will notice them making nasty remarks or gossiping about you in an attempt to save face in the expected confrontation. &lt;strong&gt;Keep ignoring them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Concentrate on those you want to meet again. Actively start conversations. Include old friends. &lt;strong&gt;Don't stand around looking forlorn!&lt;/strong&gt; A simple &quot;Hey, what have you been up to all those years&quot; should start a conversation easily enough.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you are unsure, contact your peers and meet up with them beforehand, like Thorsten S. suggested. They will be your allies and act as a kind of social shield, preventing things from getting nasty from the start.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe my most important advice, and speaking from my own experience: &lt;strong&gt;Don't let your past define your present.&lt;/strong&gt; Ten years have gone by. You have changed, so have your peers. They remember you as gravely ill. The &quot;relationship level&quot; can help you reconnect to your old friends, but they will notice very soon how much you changed. And you will notice the same about them. Be open about it, talk about the time gone by. &lt;strong&gt;Have a great time together.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T20:42:06.163" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T20:42:06.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14645" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-17T20:52:20.600" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Road trips with your girl can be a beautiful thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short version of what &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; would do&lt;/strong&gt;: communicate to my girlfriend that I have been really looking forward to this trip as a time for us to get away and spend some quality, amazing, and romantic moments together just the two of us. As it turns out, having her mom in the car as well would take away from this experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That right there, in my opinion, is truthful and shows your girlfriend what really is on your mind, how you're putting your relationship and time together as a priority, and that you're honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Longer version of the above&lt;/strong&gt;: something to consider when you find yourself in a bit of an awkward situation like this, is &lt;strong&gt;the culture and the relationship you have with this other person&lt;/strong&gt; (your girlfriend's mother, in this case).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, a few times a year my girlfriend's mom talks about planning trips and likes to invite me. In the past, I joined them on a few of these trips, but now I just politely say no and thank her. Why? Because experience has taught me that it is very important to mark clear boundaries between family time and relationship time. Since the question got to you via your girlfriend, &lt;strong&gt;what did your girlfriend say to her mom as it unfolded, before she even told you about it?&lt;/strong&gt; Depending on your gf's personality, she: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A) thought it was fine at the time and didn't want to confront her mom&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;B) didn't like the idea and told her that she would rather be alone with you during the trip as she wanted it to be something special, romantic, and personal between the two of you alone&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you've mentioned, it sounds like option B wasn't the case. The sucky part about situations such as this one, is that now you're left to be the one making the decision, which depending on how the mom is could rub her off slightly the wrong way. If your girlfriend tells her something like: &quot;Hey mom, X and I talked about it, and we thought it would be best if you didn't go because we're not sure we have enough space in the car,&quot; or any other thing along those lines really, at that point you're already involved in the delivery of that answer and it may not come out the right way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, best of luck and let us know how it goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6978" LastEditorUserId="6978" LastEditDate="2018-05-17T22:32:02.660" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T22:32:02.660" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14535" CreationDate="2018-05-17T20:55:21.147" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't speak to this precise situation, since I'm not polyamorous. But I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; a Mormon, and depending on the circles this might be equally awkward (especially since some people &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; believe we practice polygamy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the awkwardness that you perceive has to do with the fact that, generally speaking, a monogamous (usually?) married lifestyle is the mental model that most Americans have. Depending on the locale this may be more or less intense (for instance, in Arkansas where I live there is definitely an expectation of marriage and monogamy for most people, even though many people probably don't actually live that way. Maybe even most).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your conversations you have to help people overcome and reset their expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case I may be in a situation where drinking alcohol is socially expected (e.g. at a bar or out to dinner with co-workers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm offered alcohol my response is, &quot;No thanks, I don't drink.&quot; Sometimes I have to state, &quot;No thanks, I don't drink - but you go ahead!&quot; And when they ask why, &quot;I'm a Mormon.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That statement helps them to reset their expectations around me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to try to set their expectations as part of your introduction:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob, good to see you! I don't know if you're already aware, but I'm in a polyamorous relationship - this is my wife X and her boyfriend Y.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By prefacing your introduction you avoid any ambiguity. If I had someone come up to me and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is my wife X and her boyfriend Y&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That leaves room to guess. In the South at least you'd go through your expectations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're married and she's cheating. That's weird that they're here at the movies together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're divorced and she has a boyfriend. That's weird that they're all together here at the movies. And that's weird that he still calls her his wife.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's using those words, but I do not think they mean what he think they mean.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe they're swingers. That's really weird that they'd be out to the movies like this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might not even enter my mind the possibility that they were polyamorous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if someone said either&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We're in a polyamorous relationship - this is my wife X and her boyfriend Y&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is my wife X, and her boyfriend Y - we're polyamorous&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would set my expectations. I might still find it awkward at first, trying to suss out how the relationship(s) work, but I'd have a name to put on it and at least have some level of understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also be prepared for a variety of responses. Because your response will be different depending whether you want to discuss and explain polyamory and the mechanics of your relationship(s), talk about other things, or get on with the rest of your evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to get on with the rest of your evening, you might say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... and her boyfriend, Y. We're here for , so we'll head that way, but it was good to see you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you want to talk about something else, to borrow &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14585/2308&quot;&gt;J A's example&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... and we're poly. We recently watched that movie you told me about and we thought it was great! Hey Y, what was your favorite part of that move? What about you, X?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you're open to talking about being poly&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... and we're poly. It's been working out great for us! I know a lot of people can be confused or feel uncomfortable about it, but if you've got questions, we've got answers!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or maybe you'd be open to talking about it later, but not right now, so just change the above to &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... if you've got questions, I'd be happy to answer them tomorrow on our lunch break/after the game tomorrow/on our ride to work, but we should make sure we get our dinner reservation/find some good seats/get in line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2308" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T20:55:21.147" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14515" CreationDate="2018-05-17T21:31:31.553" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are treading on thin ice here.  Apparently (mentioned in one comment) she feels like she has to reduce weight due to professional reasons.  That is a whole lot of pressure and she can use all the support she can get.  A significant other who tells her that they could not care less about any change is sabotaging her efforts.  This will be worse if you don't show any inclination to follow her example.  If the body image she thinks she owes her job is deprioritized and ridiculed by you, that is akin to a passive-aggressive sabotage of her career choice and the personal efforts she thinks she has to pursue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, adopting that body image and the respective personal standards means that if she is successful, she'll be viewing you with those metrics as well.  Whether or not she actually &lt;em&gt;judges&lt;/em&gt; you with those metrics, you'll feel bad about it and resent it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try figuring out whether you can actually figure out a manner where you can join a gym membership or do some common or separate fitness activity that will make you both move in a similar manner without getting on each others' nerves.  Join her efforts in finding, preparing and enjoying the kind of food required for her endeavor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, you did not sign up for that.  Tough.  She did not sign you up for that either, but what we think we may manage and what we actually do are different things.  If she gives up at one point of time, you can keep going yourself and if she does not pick up again eventually and decides to follow a different track, you can phase out your efforts slowly before she, in turn, starts feeling inferior to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But whatever you do, &quot;I love you the way you are, it's fine if you fail what you have set out to achieve&quot; while setting a demoralizing example yourself is not going to make her as happy as you think it would.  Being an actual partner here might not be as cheap as mere words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17972" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-29T18:29:12.883" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T18:29:12.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-17T21:33:44.127" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are in a serious, commited relationship with your girlfriend, I think the first step is to talk with your girlfriend alone , to see if you both are on the same page with regards to this issue. That's considering you are both legal adults and are free to accept or refuse her mother's request. (I am not sure the legal age in your country, but here it is 18 years) .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your girlfriend were a minor, then her mother would have legal rights over yours and she would therefore act as a chaperone and be obliged to accompany you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you have talked with your girlfriend, you can approach her mother, together , perhaps taking her out for coffee or tea on neutral territory. The point of this, is to be clear with her mother about what you both want ,instead of imagining all kinds of unpleasant scenarios on the road, as well as generating negative feelings about her mother, by trying to find excuses to avoid taking her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A frank discussion between all of you , assuming that you are on the same page as your girlfriend, will avoid misunderstandings and the he-said she-said situation . In relation to this, depending on the dynamics of the personal relationship between daughter and mother, your girlfriend being approached alone by her mother on this issue, may pressure her into accepting her mother's request, whereas discussed in the open , on neutral turf, would give a more balanced discussion .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be that her mother is only needing a ride and does not intend to act as a chaperone. But until you discuss it openly, you will not know her state of mind. It would be helpful to approach this issue with an empathetic view of her mother. She could be just feeling protective of her daughter and has difficulty letting go of her emotionally , which is not uncommon. Afterall, she has been her caregiver since birth and it may take her some time to detach herself from her daughter and watch her depart alone with a boyfriend. Oftentimes, a mother can be left feeling lonely and abandoned when her children become adults and it does take a period of adjustment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you refuse her request, which may upset her mother ,you could at the same time suggest another occasion, when you could all holiday together, so as to create no hard feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17973" LastEditorUserId="17973" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T03:41:36.417" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T03:41:36.417" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14650" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-17T22:22:46.037" Score="11" ViewCount="1692" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mum has always wanted me to have short hair - a short bob or a pixie cut. When I was little, I had little choice in the matter. The teachers at school addressed me as a male, classmates didn't want to play with me because I was &quot;odd&quot;, but a short haircut was what I had.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seventh grade I made a huge scandal at my mum's hairdresser, and since then I've been growing out my hair. Nowadays I'm 30, and my hair is curls that go to my waist (or to below my hindquarters if I gently pull on a strand to stretch it to its full length). I love my hair. I'm not very confident about my appearance, but my hair is the one thing I think is beautiful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mum, however, still thinks I should get a pixie cut. She misses no opportunity to say that my hair is &quot;a mess&quot;, &quot;a bird's nest&quot;, that it makes me look &quot;unsophisticated&quot; and &quot;like a dirty hobo&quot;. Also that I &quot;waste&quot; a huge amount of time taking care of it, where a pixie cut is much easier and faster to wash etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried telling my mum how I feel about my hair, and how her comments are really unpleasant to me. She waves it off as &quot;bullshit&quot;. My little brother (19) has told her more than once that he is uncomfortable with how she treats the issue. No results. She's right, I'm wrong, it's for my best, eventually I'll realise it and get a pixie cut like she says.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I've also tried mentioning how my grandma always tells my mum that she's fat, and asked my mum whether she finds it pleasant. My mum's response? &quot;But she's right&quot;! (She's European size 42 - not fat at all.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall my mum and I are quite close. We do &quot;girls vacations&quot;, she asks my advice about things about as often as I ask hers, generally we agree on things, I drop by to visit my parents about once a week + family outings. But the comments about my hair are always there, especially around special occasions, or when I tell her I'm going on a date - when I'm trying to look my best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I communicate to my mum that her comments hurt me, a lot?&lt;/strong&gt; How can I also explain that my pain is not &quot;bullshit&quot;, and that hurting me is not &quot;for my own good&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T20:09:51.597" Title="How to make my mum stop making disparaging comments about my appearance?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14651" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-17T22:35:50.650" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short answer: ask whether he wants to get a supervisor to determine who was and was not being rude, or whether he would prefer to just help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reasoning: I think your question should be how should you have handled his statement that you were rude, interrupting a good customer rep would never &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; tact, interrupting a bad customer rep should never &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;use&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; tack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are asking the wrong question. Tact, kindness or any other sort of politeness should not be a goal when dealing with customer support, and should not interfere with your actual goal: to either get information or to have something done. Rudeness and other incivilities should be avoided &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;where it can interfere&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; with your goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="470" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-21T03:57:14.317" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T03:57:14.317" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14615" CreationDate="2018-05-17T23:19:14.907" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you need to tell them you are leaving or do you work at a desk job that is more lose on when you leave for breaks and other things? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have the freedom to get up and go without notifying people, I just walk out and do what I need to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing that most of my office based jobs do is make use of headphones, even if you don't want to listen to anything. Some days I am in a grumpy mood and don't want people walking up to me to talk. Maybe this is just an IT thing, but it is understood by my experience in office etiquette that if someone has headphones on, they are trying to &quot;focus&quot; and not entertaining idle chat. Some times I wear my headphones even if no sound is coming out just so I can have that alone time (I have a fairly chatty department).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest the headphones because that has also allowed me to pass on unwanted lunch socials by appearing to be working through my lunch. This though can technically still be perceived as a lie by some even if not vocally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other thing I noticed is your choice of words you use. In the first example, you provide them to make the choice to still be around you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh no thanks, I am staying inside.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;that can be interpreted as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We can still hang out if you want but I don't want to go out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead you can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You guys go on ahead, today I feel/want/need like eating by myself and just listening to music.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't explaining yourself while you are explicitly expressing your desire to be alone this time. They can't really say they will still join you because you have already said that you want to be alone. Generally, people have enough respect to not really push further than that. If you still want to join them other lunches, you can add a &quot;maybe next time I will join&quot;. That way they don't feel bad and think you are mad at them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your second example also allows them to still force their way to be with you with your word choice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh you don't need to, I can go alone&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To some people, that's still an invitation to tag along because you are still giving them the choice and they could easily reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;no, I don't need to come, but I want to&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, again if you have to inform of your departure, you should try using more explicit wording that does not give the other party an alternative option:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No thanks, I am going to go on my own&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here you kindly decline and state you are going alone and not providing them an option to miss read your words. If you wish to meet up afterwords, you can always add in &quot;but I will catch up with you guys in 20 minutes when I am back&quot;.  Again adding something like that at the end can help ease the co-workers from thinking you all of a sudden hate them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, they may ask why as to them, this is a change in boundaries that they are not used to. I always find it best to provide minimal reasons why helping to put the other person at ease. You don't need to answer any whys after you stated your intentions. Many people here in IPS are also very firm believers in not having to explain yourself or provide reasonings. I don't see it so black and white because some situations (especially with family or people you will be spending a large part of your day around) you want to let them know you don't hate them or are suddenly mad at them, you just need your personal time too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I may follow up declining their choice to come with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I enjoy spending my lunch break with you guys, but there are days I&#xA;  just want to be left to my thoughts and music and I hope you guys can&#xA;  respect that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's short, to the point, and establishes a boundary to the people involved that this will be a recurring event and they should not read into it as anything other than you want personal time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But again, you don't need to provide a why, just make sure that your replies don't provide them a foot in the door to still choose to come as explained above :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T23:19:14.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14653" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14650" CreationDate="2018-05-17T23:30:18.183" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Making someone change their behavior is very difficult.  Changing your response to that behavior is a lot easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's start with the second one.  Obviously these comments hurt you, and you disagree with them.  It seems that you try to educate your mother that you like your hair how it is, to no avail.  So the first step is to stop getting into that argument.  Next time she brings it up, I'd suggest responding with, &quot;We've talked this one to death; we disagree.  Now let's talk about something different.&quot;  And if she won't change the subject, then leave the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, how to get your mother to change her behavior?  It's apparent that the most obvious tactic - talking to her about it - has not had a desired effect and most likely won't.  That's the harder question.  So, the behavior needs to be unrewarding to her - only when a behavior fails to achieve a desired result or achieves an undesired result will it change. When she says anything about your hair, I'd suggest completely ignoring it.  Refuse to say anything about it.  Change the subject to something she &lt;strong&gt;hates&lt;/strong&gt; and refuse to change from it until she changes from the subject of your hair.  The point is not to be difficult but to over time establish that any comment on your hair will at best be completely ignored, end your interaction with her, or switch to a topic of conversation that she wants nothing to do with.  Not only will that not get a rise out of you, it will also wind up being annoying to her.  That stands the best chance of educating her that this subject is now off-limits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-17T23:30:18.183" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14655" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-17T23:59:50.293" Score="3" ViewCount="342" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been had several experiences in a professional environment where contact is initiated by e-mail or via some form of social media (LinkedIn, WhatsApp, ...), where the person on the other side asks for a phone discussion. The reason they give for wanting to have this phone discussion is to ask some trivial questions that I feel could easily be asked and answered through a single e-mail or via the same chat where the contact was initiated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general I usually prefer text communication since I can't always speak freely over the phone, especially during work hours when I have to avoid bothering coworkers. Another factor is of time zone differences and then there's the fact that I often can't really understand people very well over the phone. Often, the sound quality on a phone call is too low for me to discern words well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sometimes get the impression from people that they are bothered by the text exchanges. I personally reserve the phone discussions for subjects that need an expedited response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it generally seen as unprofessional to have a conversation over text messages? Is it less ergonomic for these people to type their questions instead of speaking them over the phone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3988" LastEditorUserId="1932" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T12:03:42.600" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T13:58:58.760" Title="Is it impolite to exchange a dialogue via text in a professional environment?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14655" CreationDate="2018-05-18T00:16:06.057" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Granted that communication medium is a personal preference, here are a couple of reasons why some prefer to conduct professional communication over the phone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Information security. Depending on the company and nature of the communication, some things being documented outside of a company's network (e.g. public email or text) is against policy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The possibility of new important subjects coming up during a real-time conversation that otherwise would never be discussed in an asynchronous conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of the reason, though, in many cases it wouldn't hurt to tactfully express your preference and inquire about the reasons behind the other person's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17977" LastEditorUserId="17977" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T00:44:43.053" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T00:44:43.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14657" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14661" CreationDate="2018-05-18T00:24:46.317" Score="13" ViewCount="867" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I'm in a public establishment and there's a wait for the bathroom, I prefer not to stand too close to the door, because then I'm right in the face of the person exiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/q9gwM.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/q9gwM.png&quot; alt=&quot;Someone coming out of the bathroom with me in their face&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular, I think exiting a bathroom is a time when most people would least like to have a stranger right in their face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I find that if I stand back a distance, people don't realize I'm waiting for the bathroom and just go around me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/riCJW.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/riCJW.png&quot; alt=&quot;Someone not noticing me and going around because I&amp;#39;m too far away from the bathroom&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts me in the uncomfortable position of having to constantly deliver the bad news that yes there is a line for the bathroom and I'm in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that there's no good solution to this problem. But perhaps there's a way I haven't thought of to stand back a distance but still make it obvious I'm in line? Some way to make it conspicuous that I'm waiting without being intrusive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17978" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T13:41:35.673" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T13:41:35.673" Title="How can I wait in line for the bathroom without crowding people as they exit?" Tags="&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;queueing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14650" CreationDate="2018-05-18T00:59:40.207" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can totally relate and I have experience on your problem. I also managed to succeed without deteriorating my relationship with mom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now I'm growing my hair long too, it's been almost a year and already down my shoulders, I'm so satisfied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially having the same exact comments from her while growing up my hair:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I tried the same techniques than you: trying to persuade her into refraining, letting her know her comments were not appreciated, reversing the situation so she would step on my shoes reminding her about unpleasant comments from dad.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;None of that reasoning worked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her comments didn't hurt me as much but were certainly annoying! You know what worked?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Being emotional in a positive way&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Parents respond better to emotion. Be &lt;strong&gt;energetic and convincing&lt;/strong&gt; when you say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very happy like this! &lt;strong&gt;:D&lt;/strong&gt; You don't want me to be sad, do you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I even added a wacky element to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;a bird's nest&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Great, I'll always have company!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;a bird's nest&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I'll learn how to talk to birds!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;a bird's nest&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;It will be like ratatouille, birdatouille!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;like a dirty hobo&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;A happy hobo though&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boyfriend/girlfriend is present you can draw &lt;strong&gt;some harmless fun support&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;like a dirty hobo&amp;quot;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Honey! It seems you are living with a hobo, from 1 to 1 million, how cute is this infamous hobo everyone talks about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a good reason for this genre of theater to exist, it's called &lt;strong&gt;'&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Farce&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Farce&lt;/a&gt;'&lt;/strong&gt;, be farcical without being aggressive or offensive, this is your mom after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom started criticizing my beard years ago, it was now my hair, but after this methods, she almost completely stopped commenting, so now instead of making comments every time we see each other and several times during the visits, every mudin fluffling day... now she says it once a month or so, and I stand my ground with a smile and an upbeat attitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm so happy with my long hair :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can't go against my happiness. Your hair sounds amazing btw.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Live long and prosper lVl,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T01:29:29.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14655" CreationDate="2018-05-18T01:16:34.090" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Impolite? No, but if this is an interview I seriously recommend against.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;professional environment where a contact is initiated by e-mail or via some social media (LinkedIn, WhatsApp, ...) and the person in the&#xA;  other side asks for a phone discussion to ask some trivial questions&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like an interview to me, or an early conversation with a &lt;strong&gt;potential&lt;/strong&gt; client and that changes the dynamic a lot. If this is the case, receiving these answers to the questions is only a small part of why they want to call you. Really, their goal is to have a conversation with you and try to decide if they think you would get along well or are the sort of person they are looking to work with. These things are often left up to intuition, and if your goal is for them to hire you as an employee, or contract you for a job, or start a partnership with then rejecting the phone call would severely hurt your chances. Consider it from their perspective, they have 20 solid candidates and they aim to have a phone call with each to get a feel for how well they think you would fit into the team. If they had the call with 19 candidates and not you, no matter how nicely you put it, I would say that it is likely you would not even be considered without the phone call. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, I would even give a word of warning about pressing them to explain &quot;why&quot; they want the call. Technically it is an innocent question, but they may not perceive it as such. Insisting someone explain why before you agree can imply distrust, professionally you should always be cautious when doing things with &lt;em&gt;legal&lt;/em&gt; ramifications, but this is not that. Instead you can come across as argumentative, unwilling or even just plain annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly, this answer depends entirely on what sort of dynamic this is. If you are co-workers, or they have already had conversations with you before then it all becomes a mute point. But in a professional environment, having a proper conversation where you can hear someones voice for the &lt;strong&gt;first&lt;/strong&gt; time is likely to have a large impact on their related decisions and although rejecting their proposal for a call is not in any way &quot;impolite&quot; it may risk seriously hurting the prospects of what I suspect is your actual (professional) goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T01:44:22.300" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T01:44:22.300" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14657" CreationDate="2018-05-18T01:22:35.430" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your diagram was helpful.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Like you might have noticed, non verbal communication can sometimes be &lt;strong&gt;all about location&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In my modification:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have your back against the wall facing away from the door but not in an angle that would hide your face.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are close enough so there's not so much space for someone else to sneak in, but neither so little space that you'd be invading the personal space of the individual leaving.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are not on their face.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are not so close to make them scared.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid having your hands hidden.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some people probably won't even notice you are there in the first place, if they are the type of individuals that move fast or in a rush.&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/enG1e.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/enG1e.png&quot; alt=&quot;waiting outside restroom diagram&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, whenever someone else comes near with the intention to use the bathroom, you have options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do something that shows you are waiting, like looking at your clock&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or say something helpful and polite like:&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's busy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you make clear you are informed of the status of the restroom because you are obviously waiting, the subtle denotation of the message is &amp;quot;I was here first&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Field testing experience:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm a 6 feet tall viking-looking robust/endomorph dude and many people don't notice me using this method. They used to get scared/startled before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T21:02:59.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14655" CreationDate="2018-05-18T02:04:38.330" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to &lt;strong&gt;set expectations properly&lt;/strong&gt; every now and then, on every conversation you detect an appropriate time to deliver, so no one on your circles gets confused, let that be professional, personal, public circles, whatever boundaries you've established for your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your millage may vary, but as an example, I try to remind my family about my personal view of this from time to time, my take on telecommunications arranged by response priority or urgency:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Real time feedback = In person conversation (This is a really sensitive matter)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Urgent response = phone call.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Important to have an answer anytime today = text message.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I just want you to know and have an answer maybe this week = email.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I really felt like adding a personal touch and for you to think about it deeply = Hand written letter.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to make fun of technology and send a memorable joke = Telegram&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Time spans can be adjusted to suit how fast and stressful is your life's rhythm.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;And of course, text messages are more versatile, if I already paid attention to the thing you might as well bring other topics and start a brief conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if the other party has an accent that I can't figure out, I'll be prompt to invite them to bring the conversation to text messaging too, being very careful not to come out as xenophobic, I just want to avoid misunderstandings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T02:04:38.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14664" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14681" CreationDate="2018-05-18T07:59:32.627" Score="49" ViewCount="10661" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last week a new coworker joined our team, and yesterday we were both invited to eat lunch in the work cafeteria with some other colleagues that I have known for around a year and a half. As he, another colleague that I know quite well (and would describe as a friend) and I all went to leave through a small section between two counters, he put his hand on my back (kind of as though pushing me with what felt like a finger or a few fingers, and with pressure).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is an Italian man who has moved to England from Italy for this job, and I am an English woman. I am aware that in Italy it is more common for people to have more physical contact with each other, and while I would maybe be comfortable with a close friend touching me on the back (though I am not sure as no friends have touched me anywhere other than maybe on the arms in a long time), I wouldn't really expect it from a coworker I'd only met the week before and so naturally I was confused and uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In attempt to communicate my confusion at being touched to him, I stopped walking and gave him a sort of confused and unhappy look, but all he said was &quot;you first&quot;, as in, he was touching me on the back to allow me to step through the counter first. However, the way to communicate this here is more commonly by stepping back to let the other person pass and maybe saying &quot;you first&quot;, it doesn't generally involve touching anyone. I should probably also mention that I wasn't stood in front of him, I was stood sort of to his left, which made it even stranger to me that he would touch me there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whilst I don't want to make it awkward by bringing it up now, how can I communicate in the future that I feel the way I am being touched is inappropriate, without embarrassing both of us as I feel like he doesn't really know that what he's doing is inappropriate? Clearly non-verbally isn't the correct way to go about this as he continued to touch my back, and I don't think I could reach to remove his hand as it was right in that middle point of my back where it's not easy to reach, so how would be best to approach this sort of situation if it arises in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9162" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T13:32:53.550" LastActivityDate="2021-03-31T16:10:40.500" Title="How to communicate to a new coworker that I am not comfortable being touched?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14105" CreationDate="2018-05-18T08:03:12.320" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Australia, the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queen%27s_Official_Birthday&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Queen's birthday&lt;/a&gt; is celebrated on different dates in different states &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/australia/queens-birthday&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;for historical reasons&lt;/a&gt;. This can generate some interesting discussion, but there is no animosity or awkwardness about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If even a country can officially celebrate the birthday of its Queen on different days, there should be no reason for someone in your situation to feel awkward about celebrating your birthday at a time closer to what you consider to be your real birthday. I haven't paid attention to when the Queen celebrates her own birthday, but it hasn't caused her to stop (some) people from officially celebrating or recognising it on a different date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, it's your birthday. Lots of people celebrate their birthday on a date different from the anniversary of their date of birth due to work or convenience. You ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Given all that, how do I effectively explain to my colleagues that they should wish me a happy birthday on a different date?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you should &lt;em&gt;stop&lt;/em&gt; people from wishing you a happy birthday on the 'official' date - they're just being nice, and it'd be nice to accept the sentiment. If you have a birthday celebration on your preferred date in October, consider saying something like this without further explanation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Please celebrate my birthday with me on (date in October).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want others to take the initiative to celebrate your birthday in October, just use the October date for your social media - it's as close as you can get to your true birthday, and it's more likely that your acquaintances rely on social media for birthday prompts than it is for them to remember your official date of birth from your passport or other official document.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone casually asks why you seem to have 2 birthdays, you can tell them that it was due to a mix-up historically. It's up to you whether you elaborate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T08:03:12.320" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14666" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14669" CreationDate="2018-05-18T08:20:51.703" Score="35" ViewCount="11859" Body="&lt;p&gt;The birthday of a friend is coming up. A month after that, there is a concert we both would like to see. So giving those concert tickets would be a great gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I just gift her two tickets, she might want to use one to take an other friend. &#xA;So how do I clarify that the other ticket is for me, without spoiling the surprise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As response to some discussion in the comment section:&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;This is not a date, we would go as friends.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I'm sure she won't reject my invitation (as we been to concert before).&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;She does have a boyfriend, so she might think the tickets are for the two of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17986" LastEditorUserId="17986" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T09:45:22.683" LastActivityDate="2019-08-13T08:01:23.450" Title="How to imply that the gift is meant for the two of us" Tags="&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14664" CreationDate="2018-05-18T08:21:13.077" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm Italian, I live abroad since a while, and I always hated those that kept touching everyone also in Italy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, as you say, physical contact is more common in Italy, and I can completely imagine that for him it was a perfectly reasonable way of telling you to move forward ahead of him. I can also understand that for you was exactly the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A first tentative could be to use the internal mail system of your company; send him a short email simply telling him &quot;today/yesterday you touched me so and so, apparently to let me go ahead. please be aware that I don't appreciate physical contact and I would rather prefer a verbal communication&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he does not get the &quot;hint&quot; and keeps touching you afterwards, you have every right to escalate, either by reacting strongly when he touches you (so that you have witnesses), or eventually by moving the matter to HR (and you have proof that you asked him already, with the email).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that it might seem heavy handed, but I base this on the description that you gave of him, and I have the personal feeling that a person freely touching strangers needs a strong signal to understand that he needs to change his methods.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you suggesting email before talking in person? That might seem a little weird, especially for someone in your team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;yes, I suggested this because I assumed this to be a large company, and based on the asker comment on &quot;not wanting to embarrass both of them&quot;. Talking in person could be overheard, and having this conversation in written form could avoid potential problems of talking face to face, starting from saying the wrong thing while trying to answer in a hurry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9000" LastEditorUserId="9000" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T08:59:05.533" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T08:59:05.533" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14666" CreationDate="2018-05-18T08:25:13.963" Score="24" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is not a date, we would go as friends.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I'm sure she won't reject my invitation (as we been to concert before).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  She does have a boyfriend, so she might think the tickets are for the two of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;since you've edited to add this information, I think it is fair to update my answer to take this into consideration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to give her one ticket and tell her you have one for yourself, if she would like to go together. She might have already start to plan to go with her boyfriend, this would give her a good way to both go with him and you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This still assumes that the tickets are not linked to a specific seat. See &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/transcript/message/44683033#44683033&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; and following for a discussion on why this could be a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In chat you &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/transcript/message/44683131#44683131&quot;&gt;say&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her having a boyfriends shouldn't matter, except that i might offer a date for them as a gift &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try to clarify with yourself why you think that would matter, as Tom says in his answer for a similar reason, that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be a warning sign, also because later you &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/transcript/message/44683541#44683541&quot;&gt;add&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The tickets, having an actual present (containing the tickets). So she know she is going when she gets the ticket. Not sure how I can ask her who else would be invited (since i already bought the tickets). Nor is this my issue XD.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is very much your issue, though, why are you opposed to letting her go with her boyfriend? Or why would you not try possibly to make her even happier than you intend by having also her boyfriend with you two?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/transcript/message/44683070#44683070&quot;&gt;say&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is a seated concert, so I would buy two allocated seats. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;that basically negates my assuption. Personally I think it is more appropriate if, as other mentioned, you would check with her beforehand, or at least with her boyfriend. If you do not have his contact, I'm sure you'll be able to recover it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is not possible, then in my experience is better to let her decide if she wants to go with you or with her boyfriend, by giving her both tickets. You could still mention you would like to go with her, eventually saying something &quot;as with concert such and such, I would like to go with you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9000" LastEditorUserId="9000" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T19:33:13.660" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T19:33:13.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14666" CreationDate="2018-05-18T08:26:22.170" Score="96" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't give the tickets, give an invitation to go to the concert together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you will be making it clear what your gift is: &lt;em&gt;attending the concert with you.&lt;/em&gt; Also, this leaves you still holding the tickets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One caveat here is that this should not make her uncomfortable. If you're romantically interested in her and this gift is actually a date in disguise, while you did not have any romantic relationship beforehand, be prepared for her rejecting the date and thus your gift.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Also, any gift can be rejected at any time by the recipient. As a back-up, you can resort to giving her a single ticket to the concert.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The querant has now indicated that they're not interested romantically in the recipient. I'll leave my caveat as reference for other users.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2019-08-13T08:01:23.450" LastActivityDate="2019-08-13T08:01:23.450" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14664" CreationDate="2018-05-18T08:31:41.003" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Disclaimer: My answer comes from the Indian culture and I am writing my answer based on a similar situation occurred at an organization once I worked for.&lt;/sub&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr/&gt;&#xA;Non-verbal communication is less-likely to work in such situations. A simple  message will give him the hint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a time when it's only the two of you or you're not surrounded by too many people. If you say it in front of many people, your co-worker will feel embarrassed (but save this for later). Try to tell him (in private) that you don't like being touched while being gentle at the first time. Say like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to tell you that I am not a very touchy-feely person. And it's not specifically you, I don't like being touched in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just keep it simple as that. This way, you can also convey that it's not only about him so he will feel less-singled out. Since there is a cultural difference, you can also add &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's not what we really do in Britain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to make him feel less embarrassed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they stop it, then it's all good. If they don't, be firm and repeat it again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think I have told you already but I'd repeat it for the last time. Don't touch me without my permission again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time, you can escalate it to HR department (or higher authority in your workplace). I saw this similar situation in my previous organization and that girl confronted that colleague who stopped that behavior after this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="2078" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T12:40:07.167" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T12:40:07.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14672" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-18T08:54:17.373" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your girlfriend's mother has asked for a lift in your car to see relatives at a location you are travlling to - and you are going to ask her to use public transport??&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you serious about your girlfriend? If so you need to need to put your (frankly immature) feelings aside and do the right thing.  You are going to spend a day in a car with your future mother-in-law - big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your car &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; doesn't have the space then that's different but you should make an effort to welcome your girlfriends mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My apologies for being so blunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17989" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T08:54:17.373" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14515" CreationDate="2018-05-18T09:17:05.567" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I respond when she brings up the topic, so that it doesn't come across like I'm either being unsupportive of her efforts or telling her she needs to lose weight? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In contrast to the other answers provided, I think you should not comment on her looks/weight at all - not even compliment on them too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Losing weight takes a lot of discipline, endurance and determination. She seems to be self-aware enough to know that she is looking good already and will look even better in the future, so don't stress the superficial and obvious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do/hope to hear from my partner in a situation like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Coming back from a run? Tell her how you admire the determination to get up running despite the hot sun/rainy weather/comfortable couch! &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Eating salad instead of cake? Let her know how you would not have the fortitude to resist the temptation!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She had a moment of weakness/skipped the workout and is now back at it? That's some really good resilience. She should be proud for not quitting, but getting back at it where most people would use this situation as an excuse to not even try any more.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;(and so on...)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those things work when she has started the workout already, if, however, she is not at that point yet, you might encourage her by getting involved yourself. It is much easier to remove yourself from the bed in the mornings if you're not going to work out by yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not interested in joining her on the diet or workout, you could still tell her how seeing her progress helped you to pick up some good habits yourself, like meditation or simply walking in the park for recreation, rather than watching TV. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By focusing on the mental, rather than physical, aspects of her efforts you can show encouragement and care, without giving her wrong impressions. Of course, whatever you say should be one hundred percent honest at all times though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10084" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T09:17:05.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14675" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-18T10:57:40.580" Score="19" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I deny a request from the mother of my girlfriend to tag along on our road trip?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; don't. Your girlfriend has to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good rule of thumb for dealing with each other's relatives while in a relation, is that each deals with their own relatives. The reason for this is that you don't want your relatives to sour on your partner because they are the bearer of bad news, or vice versa. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She asked me through her daughter and not directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also, my girlfriend doesn't like the idea of traveling with her mother too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, it's you mother-in-law-to-be (for want of a better word) who asked &lt;em&gt;her daughter&lt;/em&gt;, so your girlfriend should be the one to deliver the bad news to her mother. Of course, you two should be on the same page first, so even though you seem to agree, talk this through beforehand; not just the desired outcome (her mother not coming with you) but also whether you'd be willing to compromise (&quot;but what if I paid for petrol and promised to quietly sit on the back seat and I don't have much luggage anyway?&quot;). You two can decide for you to be present when she delivers the bad news for moral support, but she should be the primary bearer of the bad news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-08-16T08:38:03.887" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T08:38:03.887" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14676" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14666" CreationDate="2018-05-18T11:31:31.350" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's delicate, but I'd roughly say the following.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've got two tickets to see this band, want to have one? Don't worry about the price, consider it a late birthday present. We can try grab a third ticket if {boyfriend's name here} wants to join in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explains you are offering only one. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mentions it's a gift, even&#xA;dealing with the fact it's late. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Points out it's not a date given you'd be cool with the +1 tagging along.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note, if you're not cool with the last point, that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be a warning sign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7927" LastEditorUserId="12962" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T13:07:46.263" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T13:07:46.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14677" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14664" CreationDate="2018-05-18T11:48:44.227" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is a little bit different, since your new coworker seems to have circumstances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In his country, touching is common. Maybe even the habit to let others in frond by touching, is common in his country, or town, or friends.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He touched your back.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So we cannot rush in thinking that he had other intentions. &#xA;Hence, my suggestion is to leave things the way they are right now and at the next lunch or break, bring up the touching topic and mention that you really dislike that. Speak nicely and warmly so he doesn't feel you're pointing at him. You can still be friends or work together after that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some habits that some people might not like, but I usually ask the person if he/she's OK with that kind of joke or thing, that's the reason I suggest the kind-way of resolving this problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, because I'm very used to these habits, I sometimes do it by accident to some people, but when I realize they don't like it I feel really bad. Of course, I apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if he continues after you mention that you don't like to be touched and doesn't apologize, you can go on the harsh-way, taking him aside and make clear: you don't like it and ask him to stop doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13034" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T15:25:25.177" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T15:25:25.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14678" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14664" CreationDate="2018-05-18T11:53:24.540" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers seem a bit confrontational to me. I would just ask him in a similar way you did in your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, [colleague], this might be a cultural thing, but why are you touching me like that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will communicate that you're not accusing him of molesting you, but that there's something weird going on. Whatever answer he gives, you can then say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, we don't really do this in England, it's kind of awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, he will probably get the message. If not, I suggest following the advice in A J's answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9725" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T11:53:24.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-18T12:47:07.323" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I guess the question you have to ask is, Is the journey &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; important to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've got two weeks of Couples Time ahead of you and functionally 18 hours with Momfriend and Girlfriend if you do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an opportunity for bonding time with Momfriend and even if you spend the entire journey in silence (very doubtful given the personalities you describe) it's a favour that absolutely will ingratiate you to Momfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be a lot of fun, it might not, but being precious about plans is rarely a good thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I speak from experience on that last point, I have a borderline pathological hatred of sudden changes of plan and really relate to how you're feeling on the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To decide, maybe ask your girlfriend what her mom is like on long car journeys, if they've been on road-trips before, does mom sing? is the conversation stimulating? Is she awful to travel with? Motionsickness?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she'll be a good travel companion then your journey might be a lot of fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, That &quot;we're on our way&quot; feeling when you set off on your own together really detaches you from normal life a lot and travelling with Momfriend might well disrupt that, but it's a fleeting feeling, it'll be gone within half an hour or so. So the question is, Is that feeling really worthwhile?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're set on refusing however, I would elect to be frank about it.&#xA;Explain that it's important to you that this be 100% couples time from start to finish. Be apologetic but firm. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Momfriend ought to understand it, you might leave her in the lurch as far as travel goes, but she &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; imposing on your trip and you have every right to refuse. People are not always reasonable however. Very much depending on the individual, you may not have a way to refuse without upsetting anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to your girlfriend about it, she knows her mom best and given the request is coming through her rather than directly, she's probably going to be the one to deliver the bad news to mom anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also really cannot stress hard enough that you should make sure you and your girlfriend are on the same page about this.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Her priorities may not be aligned entirely with yours and being too firm about refusing may put a damper on the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastEditorUserId="4628" LastEditDate="2018-05-21T08:37:34.753" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T08:37:34.753" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14277" CreationDate="2018-05-18T12:53:13.890" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I've never been in this sort of situation myself, here's what worked well for a friend of mine who was in the same situation as you are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Make a clear statement that shows you've thought things through, without inviting discussion.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why I'm not taking his name? I've considered all the advantages and disadvantages of taking his name and in the end I decided against it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is too subtle for the other party and they keep prying, follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Honestly, I'm not really up for discussing this. It's a personal choice and I'm confident that I've made it with all the necessary knowledge required to make a good decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach seems to work well because the people who ask about this are generally well-meaning, they have your best interests at heart. By making it explicit that you're not making the decision lightly, they should generally be placated, since most often they're just worried you didn't consider one or more of the reasons that makes &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; think it's a bad idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the trick is not to become defensive. You've done your homework and thought things through and besides, it's a very personal choice. People are entitled to their opinions on the matter but in the end, you're not looking for those opinions. If people continue to try starting a discussion, I would suggest you keep a firm stance and try to change the subject, or simply extract yourself from the interaction if possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T12:53:13.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14681" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14664" CreationDate="2018-05-18T12:55:33.290" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;Coming to this from a UK perspective and also as someone who prefers not to be touched in this kind of situation I'm going to make a slightly different recommendation from the existing two answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you have said you don't want to create a fuss or cause embarrassment to either party. There is a risk that making a &lt;em&gt;special point&lt;/em&gt; of going and talking to this man or emailing him some time after the event makes it very evident how big a deal it was for you. While that may be the reality, it isn't what helps in minimising fuss or embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you are trying to do is establish boundaries of acceptable behaviour, and as with pets and children so it is with adults, transgression of boundaries is most effectively dealt with in the moment that the transgression occurs, minimising the timeframe in which misunderstanding and bad feeling can grow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would suggest doing nothing until, and unless, it happens again. if it &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; happen again, I agree that a big fuss is undesirable, but there are lighter ways it can be managed. In all of this I am taking your assumption of mere cultural differences as read rather than any situation of deliberate harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's assume the exact same happened again, that he touched your back to indicate that you should go through the space first. There are two ways you could react in order to raise the point:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could step out of reach of his hand and ask him not to touch you. This would draw the attention of anyone nearby and would likely read to your colleague as a disgusted recoil. That's quite a difficult situation to move forward from and is likely to cause the sort of fuss you wanted to avoid.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could tolerate the touch for the few seconds and once you have passed between the counters pause to let your colleague catch up and then walking in step speak quite casually, or even sotto voce to him, saying something like&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ought to have warned you the last time that happened, as a general rule in the UK we don’t really touch colleagues like that. It might be different if you know them well, but I'd hate for you to get into any misunderstandings. A lot of people, myself included, really don't like it and it is so easy for cultural differences to be misinterpreted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and them smoothly move the conversation on to some other innocuous topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That second approach allows you to put him right in a manner that suggests concern for him as well as for yourself and is informative rather than rebuking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach is based on the principle of the 'teachable moment', which is described by &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teachable_moment&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Fredric B. Lozo&lt;/a&gt; as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;that moment when a unique, high interest situation arises that lends itself to discussion of a particular topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The topic arises naturally and is discussed at a time where it is easy for the colleague to understand that the comment is as much for his own benefit in adapting culturally as it is for the comfort of the OP.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2021-03-31T16:10:40.500" LastActivityDate="2021-03-31T16:10:40.500" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14682" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14666" CreationDate="2018-05-18T13:20:08.173" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do not give her the actual tickets. Instead, make your own ticket (either arts/crafts or graphic design depending on your skillset) that says something like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Awesome Band&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admit one&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One night only with your friend SirDuckduck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And give her &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; with the card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, there's no ambiguity about how she can use the ticket. You also won't have to tell her anything beforehand to &amp;quot;spoil the surprise.&amp;quot; And lastly, this has the added benefit of being a handmade gift, which--in my experience--usually shows more care from the giver and will give her something personal to remember the concert by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T15:50:28.567" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14664" CreationDate="2018-05-18T13:59:19.593" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers sounds a little harsh to me. I'm Brazilian and we share a lot of Italian habits (a lot of people in Brazil are Italian descendants, by the way).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you would follow some of the other answers, most probably your coworker would feel more uncomfortable than you did when he touched you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you can start the dialog like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Italian guy! It seems to me that people in Italy are warmer than here in England. Have you noticed it since you moved here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expect him to agree with you and talk more about the differences that he found when moved to England. After that, just tell him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Very nice, in England we are way more different. So, remember when you touched my back when leaving the Cafeteria? This could sound weird to you, but I felt uncomfortable when you did this. So, it would be nice if you'd stop doing it. It's nothing personal, but even my closest friends don't take the leave to do that. It's just not common here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18003" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T14:15:47.047" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T14:15:47.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14685" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14691" CreationDate="2018-05-18T14:34:35.587" Score="1" ViewCount="339" Body="&lt;p&gt;My gf can't stand dirty dishes.  Like, as in one single dirty dish in the sink.  I have lived alone for many of my years, and I know about myself that I do not mind washing dishes.  However, in my natural state, washing dishes for me is generally a once-a-day and as-needed sort of thing.  If I need a bowl and our three (we own exactly three) bowls are dirty, I'll just wash the whole sink of dishes.  If I'm getting a glass of water and I notice that I can't see the bottom of the sink, I'll wash the dishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since my gf refuses to abide a single dirty dish, I rarely have a chance to wash dishes &lt;em&gt;under my normal schedule&lt;/em&gt;.  I have to literally stop her from washing dishes.  We have a strange tit-for-tat where, sometimes, she'll say to me &quot;come wash these dishes,&quot; and other times, I'll say to her &quot;don't wash these dishes.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously I could solve this by becoming fastidish-ious.  OTOH, she could solve this by chilling out about the dishes.  Also, I could half unchill and she could half chill out, and we could meet in the middle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I'm convinced that there must be some solution that involves the both of us having to only minimally change our existing attitudes.  One such (ridiculous) solution would be to have separate kitchens, with separate sinks, and separate dishes.  Then nobody has to change.  Thus, such a solution exists (although this particular one is infeasible for obvious reasons).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we eat our cake and have it, too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18005" LastEditorUserId="18005" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T17:51:56.460" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T11:44:06.987" Title="Merging a chore schedule" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;sharing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14685" CreationDate="2018-05-18T14:49:13.143" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your challenge, which you have stated (although in not so many words) is a fundamental difference of opinion in how the dishes should be done.  You have a more relaxed way of doing dishes; she is more intense about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are right that there is a way to meet in the middle, and it involves you both giving ground.  That doesn't mean you give ground completely, nor does it mean that she gives ground completely.  I'd suggest that you both come up with an agreement on dishes - either a schedule, or decide on who is responsible for them.  I did the second with my wife and that has worked out well - she hates dishes in the sink but since I do them, she knows that they aren't her problem and can grit her teeth and ignore them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do that one of two ways: agree that on certain days, you will do dishes and on certain days she will do dishes.  Agree that on those days, you will do ALL the dishes, irrespective of how many are in the sink.  That will satisfy her that the sink will be clean at some point and can leave you the option of doing them at your pace.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I agreed that I would do dishes and she would do laundry.  (She hates doing dishes; I don't mind it.)  As part of our agreement, I don't tell her how to do laundry as long as I have clean clothes and she doesn't tell me how to do dishes as long as she has clean dishes.  That has worked out well for both of us, although I think I may have come out ahead in that arrangement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T14:49:13.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14685" CreationDate="2018-05-18T14:57:33.843" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Surely your life is not so blissfully chore free that all there is in the world is dishes? Why not say that she will do all the dishes all the time, on her schedule, since she feels the need to do that anyway so as not to see them, and you will do all of something else - ideally something she doesn't like doing and you don't mind as much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice the wording &quot;don't mind&quot;. Nobody &lt;strong&gt;enjoys&lt;/strong&gt; chores - dishes, lawnmowing, cleaning the toilet. That's why they are chores, not hobbies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want it to be a roughly-equal-sized chore, so putting the garbage out once a week probably is too small, and sorting, washing, drying, folding and putting away all the laundry probably is too big. It should also have a similar urgency level, for fairness. Vacuuming can always wait. Maybe wiping down all the counters and surfaces? Giving the kitchen floor a quick damp mop every day after dinner? Perhaps you could ask her how big a task she would need to be permanently exempted from in order to be ok with being the only dish-doer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two of you can come up with something. This will serve you well for the sorts of chores that are hard to share or take turns at, which will only increase over time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T19:57:08.543" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T19:57:08.543" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14664" CreationDate="2018-05-18T15:07:52.047" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm italian, and yes, it's quite common in Italy to have this type of physical contact. On the back it wouldn't even be considered an unappropriate physical contact... I guess that your colleague doesn't do it on purpose, probably it's just an habit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can talk to him and be clear about it: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to be rude, so please don't take it personally, but I don't like people touching me, so please try to not do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you can also try to explain that in UK you don't have all the physical contacts we have in Italy, so you are not used to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10527" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T15:07:52.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14689" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14664" CreationDate="2018-05-18T16:13:02.920" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As nobody mentioned it yet:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also use nonverbal communication to give a hint that you are not comfortable with his touch:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cross your arms&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pull yourself a little bit off&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give him an angry look. You can either:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take a look at his hand for a moment, then take a look at him and take a look at his hand again. (to indicate where is the problem)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Freeze your head on him for a moment (to indicate that something is not right)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Spin yourself in an instant as if you was surprised or going to say &lt;code&gt;What do you want from me?&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he touches your back as if he was &quot;walking along with his girlfriend&quot; you can cross your arms and step out in a perpendicular direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he touches your shoulder you can lower it and pull yourself towards an opposite shoulder so his hand can slip down naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very likely that he would ask whats wrong. In that case you can simply state that you do not enjoy physical contact only.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4610" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T16:13:02.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14664" CreationDate="2018-05-18T16:37:43.290" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... As he, another colleague that I know quite well (and would describe as a friend) and I all went to leave through a small section between two counters, he put his hand on my back (kind of as though pushing me with what felt like a finger or a few fingers, and with pressure).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... In attempt to communicate my confusion at being touched to him, I stopped walking and gave him a sort of confused and unhappy look, but all he said was &quot;you first&quot;, as in, he was touching me on the back to allow me to step through the counter first. ... I should probably also mention that I wasn't stood in front of him, I was stood sort of to his left, which made it even stranger to me that he would touch me there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are with someone else and he steps in to apply force to you from behind, when you question his actions (with a look) he tries to either turn it around or deescalate the situation and calmly say &quot;you first&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; first already, and going, but he's entitled to push into your space and physically push you. He's essentially say 'get going, darn well hurry up' - saying &quot;excuse me&quot; is the more polite way to interrupt you and your colleague, waiting a few moments is even a wiser move. The &lt;em&gt;new&lt;/em&gt; guy either doesn't know his place or you're someone, some woman, in his way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He attempts to turn around his pushing by simply trying to make it seem like he had important advice to offer; &quot;you're in front of me, get going&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's ignorant or rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understand that it is likely just &lt;em&gt;his way&lt;/em&gt; (others have described it as a cultural thing) and not an attempted assault, but that neither means it's desirable nor acceptable. Part of the &lt;em&gt;problem is&lt;/em&gt; that it &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;his way&quot; - like you actually needed him to be present and to physically guide you through life. You might view it as domineering or demeaning. If he wouldn't do it to a really large man that he didn't know you can be certain that he knows it's an unwanted action, but that can be difficult to determine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you might want to &quot;communicate your confusion&quot; then and there by insisting that he go first, if he questions your actions politely explain that &quot;You want to ensure that he doesn't reach out and apply his &lt;em&gt;all knowledgable guiding hand&lt;/em&gt;, that you can work this out without physical contact&quot;. That allows him and out if it was simply a momentary lapse of judgment and a spotlight if he thinks he is correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't go overboard on a single error in judgment (maybe you were dawdling and everyone behind him was pushing him, 'tell those two to get going ...') but at the same time don't accept being thrown under the bus, him (move aside woman, man coming through).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why you are correct to object to this behaviour:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an article on Workjax titled: &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://atworkjax.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/the-four-zones-of-interpersonal-space/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Four Zones of Interpersonal Space&lt;/a&gt;&quot; it is described this way (I'll quote the minimum):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;One of his chapters (in Dr. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.speakersoffice.com/speakers/dr-tony-alessandra/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Tony Alessandra&lt;/a&gt;'s book &quot;Charisma: Seven Keys to Developing the Magnetism that Leads to Success&quot;) is dedicated to the use of space and time. He describes the four zones of interpersonal space and how to use them effectively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The intimate zone is within touching distance, from actually touching to about two feet. This is the space reserved for people who genuinely care about each other. Lovers hold hands and parents carry their children or put their arms around them protectively. &lt;strong&gt;It’s rare to see this space penetrated in business settings&lt;/strong&gt;. But when it managed effectively, it can send a powerful message. Women use this space more than men; they tend to reach out and touch people more often.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;code&gt;[It seems like he was able to go out of his way to slide-in a situation where he feels he can justify his actions - explain politely and clearly that it's not necessary, that comes across better than explaining that he's not to do that.]&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The personal zone is from two to four feet. It’s used for discussions that are private and not meant to be overheard. In a busy networking meeting or at a party, people will avoid breaking this barrier if you are engaged with someone else at this distance. If you’ve ever been trapped by a bore and waited in vain to be rescued, try moving another foot away. It will open up your space for someone to enter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The social zone is four to twelve feet apart. This is the space used for public and casual social conversations. It allows others to enter into the group. It can be fascinating to watch people conversing in a group; they resemble fish in a school as they move in and out to make a comfortable space for new entries.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The public zone is more than twelve feet. Public speakers and important figures use space to distance themselves from their audience (and establish authority, since demanding more space is a power signal.)&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is how one doctor describes the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A similar explanation is offered on Wikipedia's webpage on proxemics in the section on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proxemics#Cultural_factors&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;cultural factors&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proxemics#Interpersonal_distance&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;interpersonal distance&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Edward Hall, an American anthropologist and cross-cultural researcher, described the interpersonal distances of man (the relative distances between people) in four distinct zones: (1) intimate space, (2) personal space, (3) social space, and (4) public space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Horizontal distances&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Intimate distance for embracing, touching or whispering&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Close phase – less than 1 to 2 cm&#xA;Far phase – 6 to 18 inches (15 to 46 cm)&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Personal distance for interactions among good friends or family&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Close phase – 1.5 to 2.5 feet (46 to 76 cm)&#xA;Far phase – 2.5 to 4 feet (76 to 122 cm)&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Social distance for interactions among acquaintances&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Close phase – 4 to 7 feet (1.2 to 2.1 m)&#xA;Far phase – 7 to 12 feet (2.1 to 3.7 m)&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Public distance used for public speaking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;Close phase – 12 to 25 feet (3.7 to 7.6 m)&#xA;Far phase – 25 feet (7.6 m) or more.&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The distance surrounding a person forms a space. The space within intimate distance and personal distance is called personal space. The space within social distance and out of personal distance is called social space. And the space within public distance is called public space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal space is the region surrounding a person which they regard as psychologically theirs. Most people value their personal space and feel discomfort, anger, or anxiety when their personal space is encroached. Permitting a person to enter personal space and entering somebody else's personal space are indicators of perception of those people's relationship. An intimate zone is reserved for close friends, lovers, children and close family members. Another zone is used for conversations with friends, to chat with associates, and in group discussions. A further zone is reserved for strangers, newly formed groups, and new acquaintances.&lt;/strong&gt; A fourth zone is used for speeches, lectures, and theater; essentially, public distance is that range reserved for larger audiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Entering somebody's personal space is normally an indication of familiarity and sometimes intimacy. However, in modern society, especially in crowded urban communities, it can be difficult to maintain personal space, for example when in a crowded train, elevator or street. Many people find such physical proximity to be psychologically disturbing and uncomfortable,&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=alpha%20dog&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;5&lt;/a&gt; though it is accepted as a fact of modern life. In an impersonal, crowded situation, eye contact tends to be avoided. Even in a crowded place, preserving personal space is important ...&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate that this was a lineup situation and that there's a &quot;small section between counters&quot; but it is incorrect for the &quot;new person&quot; to try to be the alpha dog (Definition sources: &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/alpha_male&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;#1&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=alpha%20dog&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;#2&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't try to overblow the situation if you are able to simply and easily convey that you don't want him to reach out like that. Maybe he likes you, a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He needs to understand that he has in fact thought it OK, apparently even positioned himself, to leap over a few boundaries in a single bound. It's literally &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dictionary.com/browse/pushy?s=t&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;pushy&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dictionary.com/browse/demeaning&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;demeaning&lt;/a&gt; and even &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dictionary.com/browse/belligerent?s=t&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;belligerent&lt;/a&gt; between males.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't feel you are wrong to tell him his actions are wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="7238" LastEditDate="2018-05-20T00:11:06.510" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T00:11:06.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14685" CreationDate="2018-05-18T16:47:21.550" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she can't stand, specifically, SEEING dirty dishes in the sink, maybe you could consider putting them &quot;out of sight and out of mind&quot;.  This worked for me in my bachelor days, when I could leave dishes for later and not freak out over a messy sink if someone stopped by.  I had a fairly large opaque plastic bin with a sealed lid on the counter (about half the size of the sink) with soapy water, and all the dishes went there to pre-soak until I had the time and inclination to wash them.  Then I would wash the bin and put in fresh soapy water for next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has a problem with the IDEA of having any dirty dishes in the house then some of the previous responses are probably more appropriate.  You might consider offering to do the dishes after each sit-down meal, and let her handle all the in-betweens (snacks, coffee cups, or whatever) whenever she chooses.  Then she can &quot;refuse to abide a single dirty dish&quot; without the &quot;strange tit-for-tat&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18019" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T16:47:21.550" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14657" CreationDate="2018-05-18T17:07:23.243" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually face the door from the opposite side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/qsZsq.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/qsZsq.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;face the door&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pass time by looking at your phone if you wish. This can also avoid awkward eye contact when the occupant exits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you notice or hear another person approaching, turn your full attention to the door to indicate your wait in the queue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person stands closer to the door than you, you can direct your attention to them and they may or may not get the hint or notice. There are two next steps from here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let them go before you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Politely let them know you were waiting with something like: &quot;Oh, sorry- I was actually waiting.&quot;&lt;br /&gt; If they disagree, I would leave it there as it's likely not worth the argument.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, waiting by the hinge-end of the door avoids the exiting occupant from seeing you and indicates to others that you are waiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/9ca4G.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/9ca4G.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;wait by the hinge-end of the door&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T17:07:23.243" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14694" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14615" CreationDate="2018-05-18T19:17:29.813" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You, like me, are an introvert.  I need time alone to recharge.  I would suggest if they won't stop, give them a synopsis of Susan Cain's excellent work &quot;Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had the exact same problem when I started at the company I currently work for.  So very firmly I explained the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;There are two types of people in the world: introverts and extroverts.  I'm an introvert.  Among other things, this means that I need time alone to recharge.  If you're an extrovert, you are the exact opposite, you need social time with others to recharge.  That's fine.  I'm not asking you to change what works for you during lunch.  In return I expect you to respect me and not ask me to change what works for me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BTW, if you haven't read that book, do so.  It was a real eye opener for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-- Edit --&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The one concession needed for this is that it does not 100% answer the OP's question, in that it does explain what's going on.  However, in a case like this it may be necessary to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reasons I just do not understand, while I've found that most introverts fully understand both types of people exist and are totally respectful of it, as shown by both my experience and that of the OP, extroverts tend to think that everyone is, or should be, extroverted.  Therefore, the notion of people that need time alone can almost be foreign to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence in a situation like this it may be required to explain exactly what is going on to get the message through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2810" LastEditorUserId="2810" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T19:22:54.727" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T19:22:54.727" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-18T19:23:11.223" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're looking for tact, you're going to need to be persuasive. You need a logical argument that shows that not continuing with the pitch or survey or whatever is the best course of action for both people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, during a recent trip to Haiti going through a market where vendors are very aggressive to sell you things, to the point of handing them to you and telling you the price, refusing to take them back, I told one &quot;I want you to sell this necklace and I want to keep it clean so you may do that. I need to catch up with my wife over there, and will not be buying this necklace. You can either take it from me, or I can set it down where I stand.&quot; He took it back. It was better for him to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With your situation, I've had luck in person and on the phone with arguments such as &quot;Your goal is to sign new Visa clients, and I am satisfied with my current service. The sooner I get off the call, the sooner you can connect with someone who you have a chance to actually sign.&quot; This grabs their attention and reminds them that they have internal goals (signing X new clients a month, keeping average call time down, keeping median call time down, etc...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As so many things with IPS, part of understanding your counterpart's motivation is the first step in being persuasive. And, in general, makes you both more powerful and more compassionate as a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1633" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T19:23:11.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14696" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14697" CreationDate="2018-05-18T21:10:55.140" Score="5" ViewCount="826" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm living in a flat with another guy. We are both in our mid 20s. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He recently invited a few people over. While I know, that I could always join, I didn't feel comfortable doing so without getting an explicit invitation. (I'm kinda afraid of being unwelcome, even though I know I wouldn't. That's why I need those explicit invitations.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He then asked me, why I didn't join. I always feel uncomfortable to answer this, as I would've actually liked to join, but just didn't dare to. Me not joining might actually be kinda weird and unexpected from me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I answer, that does not make it look like I'm disappointed he didn't directly invite me, but also shows I would've liked to join.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now I usually just don't answer at all or shrug it off which doesn't feel appropriate at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: One thing that I forgot to mention is, that our relationship is very good, I would even call him a friend, not just a flatmate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18028" LastEditorUserId="18028" LastEditDate="2018-05-18T21:45:42.130" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T10:24:37.527" Title="How to answer why I didn't join a party, I was not invited to?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14696" CreationDate="2018-05-18T21:24:23.250" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that these are your friends and not mine, and I'm not sure how exclusive you wanted the get together to be. I figured it'd be a safer bet to stay in my room while you guys were hanging out--I had some work to get done anyways, so it's no worries. If you want me to join you next time, just ask!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like the way you and your flatmate view the situation are very different. He sees the get together as something you should join automatically since you're living together while you feel like it's his get together and you don't want to interrupt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that in situations where my way of thinking is very different from someone else's, &lt;strong&gt;the best thing to do is be straightforward and honest.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your flatmate isn't judging you for not joining or insinuating anything, he's probably genuinely curious why--when he had people over and you were there--you didn't immediately join in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think there are three main points you want to get across when answering his question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The reason you didn't join&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That there are no hard feelings, you're not upset that you didn't get invited or join&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That if he wants you to come next time, he should explicitly invite you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My above response gives an example incorporating all three of these (one in each sentence, in that order).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T00:03:58.727" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T00:03:58.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14700" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14703" CreationDate="2018-05-18T22:38:21.847" Score="3" ViewCount="295" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a very dear friend, we've known each other for some years now and we are in the middle of a &quot;quiet fight&quot; (I'll explain later what I mean by quiet fight). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to note that this person and I have come to conflicts before for similar reasons and we stopped communicating for a while because I didn't put up with her insults in front of mutual friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason of this fight:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Over the last few months I have devoted most of my time to a number of assigned projects from my university (apart from my courses), instead of communicating with her. The thing is that these projects are really important for me because they are crucial for my professional future, from filling a good CV to be able to show some practical experience, and even to get a job in a research lab at my university.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I can understand that with all this fuss about my university's obligations she misses me and wants us to spend more time together and communicate, but she does everything she can to hurt my feelings and make me feel guilty for a lot of other things except this. She claims not to be mad with me when I try to confront her about this but her attitude shows something different (the quiet fight I was talking about).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she tried to talk to me about it the first time, she told me that she understands if I have other friends with whom I am spending my time but whatever it is I am doing is not normal. When I heard that it didn't make sense to me and obviously she didn't believe me when I tried to say sorry and to explain that I am trying very hard to do some extra work for my degree at the university. Since then she stopped talking to me and when I tried to reach out she started lecturing me about how I spend my time and stated that if I don't enjoy my life right now I surely won't feel happy when I have a job and a family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I proposed to go for a walk or a coffee she always was unavailable, coincidentally. Moreover we have a dear mutual friend with whom I haven't talked about this very much and I can see that he only wants to get back together and hang out but recently seems to have picked my friend's side in all of this without asking my point of view at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again I understand that with me devoting most of my time working and studying is difficult to hang out this period and even be frustrated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;How can I explain that her attitude and lack of understanding is hurting me and sometimes even insults me without offending her about her feelings?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18031" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T06:17:21.687" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T06:17:21.687" Title="How to explain that hanging-out like before is difficult because of university obligations" Tags="&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;explaining&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14607" CreationDate="2018-05-18T22:49:40.283" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What are the circumstances that lead to your current once/twice yearly meetings? Is it something annual by nature, like a holiday/birthday/anniversary, or are they just times the other couple happens to be free? If it's the latter you could try to replicate these circumstances for more frequent activities together, like something as simple as coming over for dinner at your house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also mentioned that you're closer to the girl and less so to her boyfriend. Do you hang out with her more often individually and it's just difficult to make plans with the two as a couple? Maybe the guys is just more introverted by nature, and having to interact with 3 other people is a big event for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The vacation thing to me has always seemed difficult to plan since there are so many factors involved (work schedules of 4 different people, seasons, actually having to plan a vacation). I may be mistaken but it sounds like the kind of thing that a lot of people like to suggest, but don't really have the intention to follow through with it. Planning a vacation for 1 couple is already hard enough, let alone adding more people. I personally have a friend who has very enthusiastically mentioned going on a cruise with me, but it's been 3 years and neither of us has taken action towards this. A vacation is also often a fairly large financial burden, so they could just not be in a good enough financial position for one, but don't want to say that's the reason they keep cancelling. Or they don't feel close enough with you yet for a vacation, but they feel like that's a normal thing to suggest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, &lt;strong&gt;I'd start with inviting them to more low-commitment activities first.&lt;/strong&gt; Regularly inviting them for dinner, going out to a show together, etc. Other answers have good suggestions about letting them set a date, or setting the next date before you leave. It seems like they have a genuine interest in maintaining your friendship, but are perhaps afraid of commitment or bad at planning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Disclaimer: I am 21 year old in the US, so one of the English-speaking cultures you mentioned may interpret this differently. I don't think most people in my generation still use being sick as a general excuse, but it does seem to be a trope here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17879" LastActivityDate="2018-05-18T22:49:40.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-18T23:34:19.873" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As others suggest, and coming also from a Latin culture, where parents are overly protective of their &quot;kids&quot;...the situation smells strongly of a misguided chaperone attempted hijacking of your time alone in a trip. Will the mother also will have then &quot;problems&quot; with the accommodation? Who knows. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for a possible compromise...if you have space problems &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt;, so much more in the way back, for returning with shopping or souvenirs. One possible way of compromise &lt;em&gt;if you do not want to say no&lt;/em&gt;, is giving the mother a lift, on the premisses she returns by her own means. However this arrangement can backfire with some &quot;emergency&quot; on  the way back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The mother has to stop seeing her daughter as a child, and it is up to you &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; to start establishing boundaries and having your own space. I would stand my ground, with no lies. Your gf has to have the maturity to say to her mother that you both need and deserve this time alone, and that she ought to respect that. As an added benefit, you are setting a precedence you should started being respected as independent adults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both need this trip to start building up your memories, and bonding. Do not let yourself be manipulated under the guise of keeping &quot;good relations&quot;. You will have a lot of time for establishing a relationship with your in-laws.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contrary to what others say, this trip is not to be taken that seriously, and it is to be taken shortcuts, pauses, knowing new places and people, and having lots of fun, time permitting. I also did that on my time, and those trips are certainly not in my list of regrets. Carpe diem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. Coming from a similar Latin culture, my parents, and especially my mother can be pretty possessive , manipulative and outright mean if &lt;em&gt;I let them be&lt;/em&gt;, on situations that involve me and another woman, even still today well in my 40s - and believe me I had already a fair enough share of &quot;official&quot; gfs that they knew. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a male &quot;child&quot;, I do remember having an huge fight with my mother when I was 21 for she not be chaperoning me and my gf who was 26 at the time. I regret the outcome of the fight, but not the principle per se.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T14:53:24.920" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T14:53:24.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14700" CreationDate="2018-05-18T23:37:51.117" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems the main problem is a lack of listening.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person can stop listening for diverse reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's imagining things from past bad experiences with other friends&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She doesn't trust you anymore&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The channels of communication are not optimal&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to make a decent enough space in your tight agenda to patch things up if you want to keep this friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Set the narrative.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her she's so important to you that you've been worrying sick about losing her friendship and give her a series of dates and times when you are available to get together and talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will convey two things convincingly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You care&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are bussy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Set the stage.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arrange the meet in a private comfy place and be sure to place a big mirror at the wall she will be facing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will accomplish 3 things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You will both be free to talk sincerely&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If anyone gets emotional you are in a safe setting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The mirror will make her self-aware and will deter inappropriate behavior.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Bond strengthening.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make it all about resolving the conflict. Be sure to make time and prepare to do something cool that you both like sharing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the conversation turns into an argue, be very vigilant of the clock and make sure you don't miss the opportunity to do something nice together. If needed, you can say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's talk about it later, I want to enjoy or time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is more important than making her &quot;understand&quot; you point and agree with your views. The whole process I described starting from the appointment scheduling was sort of a ritual, even if she doesn't say she understands, she will, because all the steps taken will set a new tone for your relationship. A tone under which you are in control of the time you devote to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T06:07:55.437" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T06:07:55.437" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14615" CreationDate="2018-05-19T00:01:16.527" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have found it helpful to use the word &quot;introvert&quot; in my explanation, so I might say something like, &quot;I'm going to go be introverted&quot; or &quot;I'm going to go take some introvert time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that the person you're talking to has a basic understanding of what it means to be an introvert, this communicates that you want to be alone, that it's not personal, and that nothing is wrong. When I've used this explanation, people immediately accept my answer and don't put any pressure on me to do something I don't want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If their response indicates that they don't understand, you can explain, &quot;I'm an introvert, which means that socializing takes a lot of energy from me. I've been around people all morning, and I just need a break right now.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16053" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T00:01:16.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14706" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-19T02:49:13.953" Score="4" ViewCount="522" Body="&lt;p&gt;Friends of mine recently wrote me that they would really have liked to have children but unfortunately can’t. I would like to express my sympathy for them while avoiding hurting them more than they already are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was considering something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’m really sorry. I’m sure you would have been wonderful parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but I worry that it would cause more pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I express that I understand that this situation involves grieving for what could have been but they will never have, and that it probably hurts when they see happy families? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18035" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T03:11:16.537" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T20:51:50.613" Title="How can I convey my sympathy to friends who have recently told me they can't have children while avoiding hurting them?" Tags="&lt;europe&gt;&lt;written-interaction&gt;&lt;empathy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14706" CreationDate="2018-05-19T03:01:21.930" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's hard to say what will and won't be.  Some people would find that supportive; some will find it rubbing salt into their wounds.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your second option is equally bad, since you don't really know what they will feel. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest saying something like &quot;I'm really sorry to hear that.  It doesn't seem fair.  What can I do to help?&quot;  That way you're not making pronouncements on what might have been, you're not saying how they might feel, and you're offering to walk with them through their pain.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T03:01:21.930" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14706" CreationDate="2018-05-19T03:22:01.447" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a close friend who, for various reasons, can't have kids. We've talked a lot about this, because it's a hard thing to have to go through. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, it comes down to the fact that while you mean well, &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; is going to be telling them this (or a variation) - or at least that's how it will feel for them. Telling them they'd've been great at something they can't do (yes, there are other options for parenting, but they're likely going to need time to grieve this before they think of tackling any of that, if they choose to) is likely to be difficult to hear. Think of it similar to other times of grieving, that might help your approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand you mean it as a sort of supportive thing, like you want to honour the fact that you think they're great people who would help a child grow to be an awesome person. That's super commendable of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps instead, try avoiding mentioning how good or not of a parent they would have been, as you likely want to avoid making them face the hard fact that regardless of how good they would have been, that particular opportunity is gone. Telling them you support them, that you are there for them, that you are willing to be a listening ear if they need to talk (if you're close enough that that makes sense), checking in to see if they need anything (for some people, it can feel almost like a death in the family in terms of the pain and sadness). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for the fact that they might not want to talk about it, and they might not want you to do anything in particular for them - give them the time and space to sort out their feelings on it. But if you just are patient, and kind, and so on, it will work out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T03:22:01.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14712" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14664" CreationDate="2018-05-19T07:29:35.650" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;He's a man. If you say &quot;Don't touch me&quot; at the moment when it happens, that is a clear indication that you don't want to be touched, and a man will respect that. (Not all males will, but a man will). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may think that what he's doing is not inappropriate, which I hope is the case, but it's not appropriate to touch someone who doesn't want to be touched, and you inform him of the fact. It's done in a second, and it won't happen again. Saying &quot;Don't touch me&quot; is something that cannot be challenged without being incredibly rude, so it won't be challenged. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see the person later, you may tell them &quot;Sorry for shouting at you, but I really don't like being touched&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others recommend giving out all kinds of non-verbal hints. Men don't get non-verbal hints. Men &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; get &quot;Don't touch me&quot;. If you are surrounded by people and give non-verbal hints, all the women around you will think &quot;she really didn't like something he did&quot;, all the men will think &quot;why is she pulling faces&quot;, and the man touching you will have no idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T21:27:22.637" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T21:27:22.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14377" CreationDate="2018-05-19T09:45:10.857" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[...] this is at work [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the key information here. I am sorry to tell you, but joking about disabilities is unacceptable in the workplace. It doesn't matter if you like it or not, it is just not the right place for such kind of interaction (you can think of it as some kind of mental intimacy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what you acquaintance does, is just reminding your coworkers that their behavior is inappropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this would not be about the workplace I would suggest you speak to your acquaintance in a private situation and tell her how you feel about her reactions in specific situations (bring examples and tell her how you would like her to react in future situations).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18047" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T09:45:10.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-19T10:33:18.317" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suspect that your girlfriend's mother isn't suddenly missing her relatives, but what she really wants is keeping an eye on you and your daughter. Once you dropped her off with the relatives, expect calls that she needs you for further transport. And you and your girlfriend agree that you don't want her there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you pretend that she really wants to visit her relatives, so you point out that your car is too small for three people and luggage, and you offer to drive her to her relatives after you return, and then she can stay as long as she likes. For her, based on what she says she wants and not on what we suspect she really wants, that would be a much better solution since she can go there at any time, and stay with the relatives as long as she wants, and isn't limited to the two weeks of your vacation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There isn't much she can do to argue with this. At most she can say that this would be too inconvenient for you (but you really &lt;em&gt;love&lt;/em&gt; driving your car, don't you, so it's not inconvenient at all). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best case result: She suddenly loses the urge to visit the relatives, and you've won. Worst case result: You have to drive her there and back again, which is mightily inconvenient, but you can take your girlfriend with you, spend the weekend where your relatives live, and it's not &quot;mum spoils our holiday&quot; but &quot;we take mum to see her relatives&quot;, which is a totally different situation). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T10:33:18.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14655" CreationDate="2018-05-19T13:58:58.760" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the pros and cons for different methods of communication differ from person to person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A phone call has the advantage that you can get answers &lt;strong&gt;now&lt;/strong&gt; and react to those answers immediately by asking the next question or clarifying your first statement. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, business(wo)men prefer phone calls for exactly these reasons. Email, on the other hand, takes time to fomulate, has no immediate response time and can drag out conversations over several days. Someone actually told me &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why should I waste 15 minutes to formulate an email when I can convey the same information and much more in a 5 minures call?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You already stated &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; reasons to prefer email over calls, so inform the person requesting a call of those, especially if you think the matter is trivial. Or propose a time frame for a call, clearly stating your time zone and that you'll gladly answer via email if the time is inconvenient for the other party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T13:58:58.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14650" CreationDate="2018-05-19T14:39:31.920" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my honest opinion, your mothers argument &lt;strong&gt;is not actually about your hair.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I don't know you or your mother and cannot say what the true reasons for her comments are, but I'll take a guess:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While you had short hair, you were your moms obedient, cute little girl&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In puberty (7th grade) you refused to be obedient and grew your hair as a physical proof&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Now you are an independent adult, having your own life and your own style. No matter how good your relationship with your mother is, objectively you don't need her anymore.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But your mom can still exert some kind of power over you by bringing the matter up. It is your big red button, and pushing it will always, reliably, produce the same result: &lt;strong&gt;She gets your undivided attention&lt;/strong&gt;. That she hurts you with her comments doesn't matter as much as the fact that they make &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; feel good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(The same kind of behavior can be observed in children throwing a tantrum or damaging things to get the attention of a parent, even if said parent will scold them.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No discussion will ever make her change. You have to change your reaction to her comments. Like baldPrussian recommended, do not give her any positive outcome. Things you can try (alone or combined) include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I will not discuss this again&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Overly showy, with a bright smile: &quot;I'm so happy with my hair, to grow it was the best decision in my live&quot;. Dance away or make some comparable histrionic exit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignore her comment and change the subject, stubbornly so if she persists to comment your hair. Have a dedicated &quot;no hair&quot; subject ready when that happens, do not try to come up with a topic on the fly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Turn away from her, give your attention to something or someone else&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Leave the room without a further word&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="2002" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T20:09:51.597" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T20:09:51.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14727" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14624" CreationDate="2018-05-19T16:26:41.183" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a test, and &quot;no&quot; is the wrong answer. That is, you have to say yes because you are trapped, and frankly it was unfair of your girlfriend to even put you in this position. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My hunch is part of her wants her mom on this trip. My reaction, if my mom floated this idea, would be to laugh and say &quot;Not going to happen.&quot; It wouldn't be to say &quot;Oh let me ask my new boyfriend and see if he says it's ok.&quot; Seriously?! Either she is terrified of her mom and can't say no, or she sort of wants her to come. If the former, she needs to learn to say no. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the latter, then you need to think very carefully about how you handle this. Don't just listen to her words. Think about what she did. Entertain the prospect with her: &quot;Hey listen maybe it wouldn't be that bad if your mom came.&quot; See if she seems to sort of like the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because if it's true that she really didn't want her to come, then unequivocally, she should have handled it without involving you. Now that she has, it is too late. The only answer is yes. I know that doesn't answer your question, but all this stuff about &quot;oh my car is too small&quot; and such is just BS and no halfway intelligent parent will buy it, and they will poke obvious holes in it. Just stop it is ridiculous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has unfairly put this in your lap, and you cannot say no without harming the relationship with potential in-laws. Either &lt;strong&gt;she&lt;/strong&gt; handles it like she should have from the start, or your girlfriend's mom is coming with you. Just get used to the idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Welcome to the rest of your life. You marry a family, not a person. Have fun. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6696" LastEditorUserId="6696" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T16:38:25.880" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T16:38:25.880" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14728" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-19T16:33:20.960" Score="4" ViewCount="348" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am starting to fear I will never be able to have children on my own.&#xA;I don't really feel like adopting is for me or my husband. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can we tell people to stop suggesting adoption?&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I am tired to explain that the adoption process is long, difficult and full of heartbreak and I feel guilty to think raising someone else's children is just not the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18058" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T18:10:55.310" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T18:10:55.310" Title="How can we tell people to stop suggesting adoption?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14728" CreationDate="2018-05-19T16:41:06.327" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you should explain why you don't want to do something. You are already talking to someone who is pushing the boundaries of conversation. Even discussing how many children someone currently has, compared to how many they wanted to have, is iffy territory. If they've wandered into the specifics any further than &quot;what options are you considering?&quot; then they are over a line. So telling them why their suggestion won't work for you is just prolonging the conversation and even inviting them to rebut your rebuttals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, that's already occurred to us. I'll be sure to let you know if and when we have good news to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then change the subject. Ask them something about themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether or not you will ever be parents, would be good parents, or are good people -- that's all off topic here. But conflicted feelings around parenthood and the various ways to reach it are as normal as can be. Feeling that way doesn't mean you're someone who doesn't get to have opinions and plans, or must justify those to anyone who is pushy enough to ask about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T16:41:06.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14730" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-19T17:17:48.013" Score="0" ViewCount="323" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am the oldest child in a family of three kids. When I was a young teen, my mother announced her fourth pregnancy and I reacted badly, by crying all evening. I do not remember why this news made me so sad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother miscarried a few weeks later and I felt guilty about it but I did not say anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Years later I was waiting with my mother for someone and she told me she had the miscarriage because of my reaction. She immediately retracted her words and said it was because of the stress she had at work. The person we were picking up arrived at that moment and we left the discussion there. Since that moment I always felt like I would never be able to have children. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A year ago I tried to talk to her about it. She did not remember the incident but she apologized. This is unusual for her, both my parents accuse us (me and my brothers) of being delusional when we recall occasions for which they were not perfect (even small stuff). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am 25 and I just miscarried my first baby before we told anyone about the pregnancy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't know if I should talk to my mother about it&lt;/strong&gt;; she would either deny everything or feel guilty. I don't expect support from her but I am afraid to regret it if I ever get pregnant again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18059" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T20:25:36.827" Title="Telling mother about miscarriage" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-05-19T21:26:46.640" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14728" CreationDate="2018-05-19T17:51:05.877" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of ways to work through this.  The first thing to do is to word your discussion in such a way that adoption comes off the table.  Something like, &quot;We were planning on having children, but apparently are unable to.  Since we have no interest in adoption, it looks like we aren't going to be able to be parents.&quot;  Yes, you bring it up, but that shuts down the (well-meaning) discussion of an option that you have already considered and do not want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, if someone else brings it up, I'd respond with, &quot;Thanks for mentioning it.  I've heard that option from a lot of friends and it's not something we're going to pursue.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After either of these, change the subject immediately.  Talk about weather.  President Trump (that will make people forget adoption!).  Sports.  Anything that will get your friends to stop trying to help you.  Keep in mind that they mean well and probably have no idea how many people have already suggested the same alternative, so being gracious, no matter how hard it is, is important with your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T17:51:05.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14452" CreationDate="2018-05-19T17:54:58.580" Score="0" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Understand the situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what is &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; going on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The support tech has a computer system that tells him exactly what to say step by step.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The support tech is measured on call volume. The faster he can end the call, the bigger his raise will be next year.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The sales department has inserted a script toward the end of the support call. The support rep has to read the entire script, and at the bottom there is probably a couple buttons for Yes/No/Reason.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The support rep probably does not like reading these sales scripts.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be a turnover incentive, e.g. the reps may get rewarded for convincing you to buy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your options&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Ride it out.&lt;/em&gt; The sales script is probably ten seconds or less. If you want to get the ordeal over with as quickly as possibly, it may make sense to simply wait it out. Use this time to gather your thoughts, take down any notes, and make sure you have everything you need, e.g. a confirmation number for your new delivery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Anticipate the answer.&lt;/em&gt; Another option is to give the rep the answer he needs as quickly as possible. Hopefully he will just stop, click the &quot;No&quot; button, and move on. Note: He &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; move on until you have given him an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Turn the conversation toward something you need.&lt;/em&gt; For example, if you haven't gotten a confirmation number, ask for it. If you do this, though, the conversation will probably return to that sales script eventually, and he'll have to start all over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;End the call&lt;/em&gt;. If you have everything you need (and you're sure the rep has saved everything in the computer already), simply say, &quot;Thank you for your help, I am ending the call,&quot; and hang up. Ignore anything he says. It may seem rude but in the end it does help him end the call more quickly, and that is his job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2029" LastEditorUserId="2029" LastEditDate="2018-05-19T18:08:35.000" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T18:08:35.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14730" CreationDate="2018-05-19T20:25:36.827" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have a supportive, friendly relationship with your mother, I think you should tell her. You are going though a tough time right now, you don't need the added weight of keeping a secret from your family that is not really worth keeping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe your mother really has forgotten the exact words she said back then. If so, she probably didn't mean them anyway. If not, consider how you are feeling right now. She went through just the same. In helpless anger, your thoughts can run in weird directions, you can put blame on innocent people, just to realize later how unfair and unwarranted that was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-05-19T20:25:36.827" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14615" CreationDate="2018-05-20T00:22:24.190" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Oh you don't need to, I can go alone.&lt;BR&gt;&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  Them: I'd like to have a walk so I'm joining!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No thank you.  I was &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; trying/planning to use this time to have a moment to myself.  You know... &quot;me time&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Maybe make the syllable &quot;act&quot; last about 3-4 times longer than most.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By stressing what your &lt;em&gt;actual&lt;/em&gt; goals have been, if they have an iota of social cue recognition, they will recognize that this is a social cue that indicates that they may have missed a social cue along the way.  The typical response will be to want to avoid potentially worsening a situation by prolonging something that didn't work out desirably so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also gives them a bit of an out, because you're mentioning &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; plans, thereby putting some focus on you, which makes it seem like less of a direct insult meant to be flung their way.  Seeing an out, they are likely to take it.  So, the typical response will be for people to drop out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the first or fifth or seventieth time, they're likely to figure out when you typically aren't seeking involvement with community activity.  If they judge you as a person who doesn't actually want to be involved, and if the truth is that's accurate, then that's not necessarily a bad thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T00:22:24.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14737" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14666" CreationDate="2018-05-20T01:58:55.487" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I thing you may need to re-examine your motives - if your intent here is to ensure she goes with you, this is a present for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; rather than her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, if I received a gift from someone that &lt;em&gt;required&lt;/em&gt; me to spend time with them, I'd be a little miffed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here's a thought. Give her &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; tickets and state that, if she can't find someone to go with, you'd love to go with her, provided it doesn't cause any issues with her boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, you put no undue pressure on her - she gets a gift with &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; strings attached but still knows that you'd like to spend the time with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if she decides to take someone else, you win - you've given her a (hopefully) good present and confirmed in her mind that you like her company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10819" LastEditorDisplayName="user10819" LastEditDate="2018-05-20T06:11:46.543" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T06:11:46.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14502" CreationDate="2018-05-20T04:30:28.540" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can try to match your response on the way they make the announcement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they announce it in an upbeat manner, then they're presumably happy about the pregnancy and you should congratulate them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they seem dismayed about it, then you should sympathise with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, people are less likely to announce sad news to people they don't know well. So if you aren't close to them and they tell you they're pregnant, it's probably good news. An exception might be if they're using it as a reason to refuse an invitation, get out of an obligation, etc. -- they might feel the need to be truthful about the reason, regardless of your relationship to them and their feelings about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2574" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T04:30:28.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14742" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14746" CreationDate="2018-05-20T09:07:34.173" Score="9" ViewCount="1785" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend has anxiety issues for which she currently is prescribed medication. The medication helps but she still struggles with social occasions, especially when she does not know many people there. She did get counselling at one point but stopped after a while as she did not feel it was helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have been together for well over a year now and she has only met my friends on a handful of occasions as she gets nervous at even the thought of us going out and doing things with them and normally just refuses to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friends are aware of her anxiety and are very understanding but they do tend to do things in couples and I feel a bit awkward joining in on party's, day's out etc on my own and also I want my girlfriend to be a part of their lives too. I feel like the longer this goes on that inevitably I will end up drifting further apart from my friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have always tried to be as supportive as I can and when we are alone we have a great relationship but this is an issue that is becoming more and more difficult for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I try and suggest that my girlfriend steps outside her comfort zone occasionally to help her get used to these things, she says that she feels like I am putting unfair pressure on her so I don't really know how to approach this in the right way. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18077" LastEditorUserId="18077" LastEditDate="2018-05-20T11:31:49.463" LastActivityDate="2020-11-04T21:47:55.460" Title="How do I deal with my girlfriends anxiety affecting my relationship with my friends" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14744" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14768" CreationDate="2018-05-20T10:22:26.533" Score="7" ViewCount="2878" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm male, in my twenties and my definition of friendship is extremely strict. In fact, my friends are what most people would consider their &quot;best friends&quot;. As such, I have very few of them. I think I'm making a new friend. However, something recently happened that made me think that perhaps I was mistaken and we're not friends at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The specific thing that happened was them suddenly making travel plans with other people after they promised they would do something with me. What they did hurt quite a bit because our trip was dismissed in the same way as a co-worker would dismiss a lunch. It made me feel like I wasn't important, that I'm not considered their friend and it made me feel like they didn't really want to go on a trip with me anyway and were just lying until something better came along. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They've done something that I'd never do to someone I consider a friend, but they might not think it's that big of a deal.&lt;/strong&gt; I feel offended/defensive because I would have discussed the situation with the person I already had plans with, even if they weren't concrete. Something like &quot;hey, some of my friends invited me to X and we booked it, so let's postpone our plans to Y&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to figure out what happened here, whether this person considers themselves my friend to my standard or not. Whether they think it's okay to do this kind of stuff to me, so that I can take it into account in the future. But I'm kind of worried that if I bring this up to and they're just considering me an acquaintance instead of a friend, it'll be useless and awkward. It feels kind of awkward to say to an acquaintance &quot;hey that really hurt&quot;, but I wouldn't hesitate to that if they're my friend. &lt;strong&gt;So, I'd rather not disclose my feelings on the matter&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also worried they might say I'm being too sensitive, or that it's not a big deal. They might think they did nothing wrong and they would be right if they also don't consider me a friend. It might make things awkward or make me seem needy. I just dislike fakeness and would like to avoid it in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also feel like it should have been something I should have approached in the moment. (It happened yesterday.) Now that it's gone, it might be awkward to bring it up again because I would be making a big deal out of something that's already done and over with. Ideally, I would acknowledge that without making it awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to try to find a way that I can approach them about it in a non-judgmental way which won't make them be defensive about it. Hopefully, I'd get an apology and a bit more consideration in the future, or a clarification that  I should treat future plans the same as the already mentioned &quot;co-worker lunch&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I approach this person about what they did to me, and find out what happened?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18079" LastEditorUserId="18079" LastEditDate="2018-05-20T14:23:10.203" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T16:41:12.660" Title="How to discuss why someone suddenly made plans without me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14742" CreationDate="2018-05-20T10:55:13.823" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you sound very thoughtful. Acknowledging the issue and understanding that this is a challenge for her is a great first step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/tagged/introverts&quot;&gt;introverts&lt;/a&gt; and the way their social world works is slightly different. I recommend reading some of the top questions in that tag to get a better idea on how those people feel about social interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that has worked for me in getting people to be more open to new social experiences:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make yourself approachable about the issue to her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Extend her comfort zone rather than try to make her undergo uncomfortable experiences.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make her feel secure in these social settings with your friends.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it clear that she can leave whenever she wants and she will not be judged.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the last point - I mean &lt;em&gt;actually not passing any judgement on her&lt;/em&gt; if she asks to leave in the middle of a friends' trip. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These will be difficult at the beginning and you'll have to be very accommodating to her struggling with it. Start with things she is more comfortable with (inviting just one or two friends over when she is in the mood) and work your way up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note, I've had a much larger social circle than his wife for a pretty long time. My wife used to have 1 or two friends for a few years and only recently has she opened up to more people. One thing that might surprise you is that she might be perfectly fine with you meeting with your friends without her and not insulted by it at all. Some people don't value social interaction as a prize and don't mind missing it and having some time alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="4527" LastEditDate="2018-05-20T11:00:47.497" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T11:00:47.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14744" CreationDate="2018-05-20T14:53:02.353" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can do, is just talk to the person one-on-one and see what's up with them. I expect that you will find that your definition of friendship is different from theirs. Maybe they have a lot of friends whom they do this to. It might just be their personality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just meet them and say &quot;Hey, we had some plans the other day that didn't work out. It bummed me out because I had been looking forward to it. What happened?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say &quot;Eh, I'm terrible with plans&quot;, then I would expect for this to happen again. If you really want to be friends with them, then you may have to take it for what it is, and potentially not be their friend, to your definition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7905" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T14:53:02.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14748" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-20T19:15:25.987" Score="8" ViewCount="11955" Body="&lt;p&gt;So Im a pretty introverted person, but when I moved out to study about a year ago I initially met a lot of new people. Mostly at parties and other social events arranged for students to get to know each other. However after these initial social events when the semester started, I saw a lot of people at campus that I had previously spoken with briefly but hadn't made a strong connection with either. A lot of the time I was unsure whether or not to say hi when I saw them, and many times it ended with me just awkwardly avoiding them. I found that if you see someone you've talked to before with saying hi when you see them, it gets very hard to make friends with them later. Sometimes I also experienced people I had talked to just walking straight past me like I was a ghost. The whole thing affected me a lot and I ended up spending most of the year in my apartment avoiding going to campus if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also find it difficult to know how to react in situations where you see someone but they're too far away for you to say hi directly (verbally).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I deal with these kinds of situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18089" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T13:14:53.117" Title="How to know whether or not to say hi to someone?" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-28T07:39:47.060" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14749" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-20T19:30:13.507" Score="3" ViewCount="228" Body="&lt;p&gt;My (68 y/o) father does not use, upgrade, or keep his cell phone with him at all. His current phone is a very old Iphone, perhaps a ver. 5, and he generally leaves it at home when he goes out to do anything, including work, the gym, or realistically anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, he does not seem to understand the modern usage pattern for cell phones - when my family needs to meet up for something, he often attempts to plan complex multi step transportation processes in advance (relying on everyone being in extremely specific places at specific times). This generally leads to him badly over-stressing when someone is 10 minutes late in traffic for example, and has no way to notify him. In cases that he does have his phone, he generally only turns it on to make a call or text, then immediately turns it off before receiving a reply. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should mention that he has a number of other social/behavioral issues that manifest themselves in similarly frustrating ways, and are clearly the result of the same underlying behavioral disorder - however this one in particular is a massive safety issue for himself and causes the entire family unnecessary grief when we cannot contact him. He is not a technically incompetent person, he has a massively successful, 40+ career as a tenured academic scientist in STEM, at a top university (yes, really).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried showing him how to use his phone, downloading apps he likes, and reminding him to bring it. He will simply say things like &quot;I didn't bring it because it was out of charge&quot; (this one is particularly ridiculous, because it shows he doesn't understand the normal pattern is to keep your phone charged), or &quot;no one ever needs to call me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some ways I can help him understand this is completely absurd? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18090" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T21:59:45.160" Title="How do I convince my father to use his cell phone?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;&lt;safety&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-05-21T08:54:13.470" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14750" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14749" CreationDate="2018-05-20T19:42:44.777" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I faced a similar situation with my mother, who is technically competent but tended to go out either without her phone, or with it turned off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After we had a situation that was complicated and upsetting but wouldn't have been if her phone had been with her and on, we did a sort of post mortem where she ended up concluding that was the issue. That's important. Your father is competent. You asserting that having a turned-on phone with him at all times is vital won't work. He needs to conclude it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having done that, you now need to look at why the phone is off or not with them. I am sure you know many couples where one person is upset that their phone is almost out of battery, and their spouse is condescendingly explaining how that wouldn't happen if they kept it plugged in when they are at home ... only for the first to say &quot;lend me your phone then&quot; and be told &quot;ah, er, I can't, I left it at home in the charger.&quot; This is a real problem that happens to people of all ages. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are several good fixes. One is to buy an external battery for $10 or $20 so the phone can be charged on the go. Another is to work out a better place to charge the phone. My mother moved her charger to the living room near the front door. There is a small table where she naturally goes to check her landline messages, put down her mail etc and plugging the phone in the moment she gets home works well there. But she is likely to see it as she is leaving and remember to bring it with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, are you sure it's off to save battery? It may be off to save data. People can be confused about that sort of thing. Showing how to turn off data may help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another good approach is to make the phone valuable to him all the time, not just while traveling or otherwise required to be reachable. &quot;Downloading apps he likes&quot; hasn't worked. How about regular text/email/skype/whatever messages just to brighten his day? A fun link, a grandchild picture, some item you have bought or prepared in advance of his next visit, and so on. The more the phone has warm associations the more likely he is to carry it and to leave it on so it can deliver the dopamine. Right now, remembering the phone is just a way to do as your child tells you to do, and who wants to do that? Even if it's the logical thing to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T19:42:44.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14751" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14748" CreationDate="2018-05-20T19:48:49.783" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have already previously spoken with someone, I have seen no harm in saying a &quot;Hi&quot;. 'Hi' is only supposed to be a greeting, an ice-breaker. There's absolutely no harm in going up and saying &quot;Hi. I am XYZ. Remember, we talked at the party? Bla bla bla&quot;. At best, you get a new friend. At worst, they will just coldly ignore you and move away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second scenario isn't bad. There are tons of other people you can talk to. Don't get worried about their reactions. If they are at a large distance away, you can try going nearer to them or just smile if you can't speak directly. Again, they will either smile back or ignore you. Either way, you tried to communicate. They chose not to in the worst case. Again, just go with it. At some time, this process will surely work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had difficulty speaking with people freely myself but once you get comfortable with a few, it's then easy to strike a conversation with people. You don't need to be afraid or worried of their reactions. Remember, Success lies after overcoming fear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10072" LastEditorUserId="10072" LastEditDate="2018-05-21T03:32:29.873" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T03:32:29.873" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14748" CreationDate="2018-05-20T20:21:52.030" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Nobody should react badly to someone saying hello&lt;/strong&gt; even more if you already talked to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do react badly - by ignoring you for instance - it means they’re not people you want to hangout with. So don’t worry about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually there is high odds that they are thinking exactly the same thing :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I say hi ? Does he remember me ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you feel too shy to start the conversation, &lt;strong&gt;a smile / a nod can be a nice alternative&lt;/strong&gt;. It can be also a good opening for them to come and talk to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17466" LastEditorUserId="17466" LastEditDate="2018-05-20T20:27:39.840" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T20:27:39.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6160" CreationDate="2018-05-20T21:42:48.423" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;tl;dr: unsolicited sales pitches are not a social interaction and should use different standards of politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have no obligation to listen to unwanted sales pitches.  &lt;strong&gt;People who do cold sales for a living or an income are used to being brushed off and it is not at all rude to cut them off quickly and efficiently.&lt;/strong&gt;  Your desire to be polite and refrain from rudeness is abused as a wedge to increase sales opportunities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is more polite to cut off the conversation quickly so they can find the next target than to draw out the interaction.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of the caller at your door you already found the optimal solution:  say &quot;no, thanks&quot; and close the door.  Anyone with any experience in door-to-door sales calling will realize there is no opportunity and move on.  (If you are on a targeted list of high-value customers they may ring again, in which case you are perfectly free to dispense with being polite.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of the marketing brochures pushed on you at the cafe, if you didn't want to appear rude in front of other people, you can say something like &quot;I am trying to be polite, but please go away.&quot;  That makes it clear to everyone around you that you are not deliberately being rude. (We will ignore the case of people who loudly claim that they are trying to be polite while taking impolite actions.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(As other people have said, this was the point where you could have reasonably asked the cafe staff to help you out, though that may have made you appear to be the one being rude. Most cafe staff would want to be notified if someone is bothering their patrons, as it is bad for business.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And again, once someone has pushed their way in front of you with an unwanted sales pitch, &lt;strong&gt;this is no longer a social interaction&lt;/strong&gt;, this is a business interaction, and a social level of politeness is not only no longer required, it is a vulnerability the sales person has been trained to deliberately exploit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: personal experience, including selling giant lollipops door to door long ago as part of a youth group fundraiser, and working as a phone customer service rep with mandatory upselling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T21:42:48.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14749" CreationDate="2018-05-20T21:59:45.160" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I&quot;m going to challenge your question as a whole here.  Through most of his life, when he left the house, he was unavailable via phone.  That's HIS usage pattern of the phone.  Why does he need to adapt to a modern usage pattern?  I understand why you want him to do so, but what's the benefit to him?  How will it help him out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd submit you need to come to accept the first point and be able to make the second point to him - not show him &quot;that's how everyone else does it&quot; but show him the benefit to him.  Then, let him decide.  In the end, behavior only occurs when it produces a benefit to the person making the behavior.  If there's no benefit to him that he can see in carrying around a cell phone, then he won't do it - no matter how much you nag him.  And if you keep going on this path, you'll wind up doing nothing more than annoying him about doing something that he sees no benefit in doing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be done, but it needs to be something that benefits HIM, not you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-20T21:59:45.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14755" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14757" CreationDate="2018-05-20T22:28:27.923" Score="23" ViewCount="2727" Body="&lt;p&gt;A man called me a few times today- I'll refer to him as &quot;Bill&quot;. He was looking for a man named Wayne. He is pretty upset that Wayne's old number happens to now be my number. He explained that he has used this number for years to contact Wayne and that he needs to contact Wayne to pick something up at his home (from what I understand)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I repeatedly explained to Bill that I was provided this number from my phone provider about 2 months ago and that I am not sure what I can do for him. He is concerned about Wayne as he has had cardiac issues and he thinks he may have suffered a heart attack.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Bill was very chatty about his relationship with Wayne and I tried to interject with &quot;Does he have a Facebook?&quot; and &quot;Does he have friends that you can contact?&quot; but my questions went unanswered as he continued to talk about this dilemma.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;After quite a bit of back and forth, Bill asked me if I could contact my phone provider and ask them if they know Wayne's new number- because he does not know what to do from here. I told him that it is unlikely that they will know Wayne's new number (especially if he has a new provider or no phone at all anymore) and that if my provider DID have any information such as a billing address or new number- it is not appropriate for them to provide it to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bill seems like a nice man but he is very upset that I have taken Wayne's phone number. I reached out to my phone company for any guidance and Bill is expecting me to call him with any information on Wayne later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I politely tell Bill to get him to understand that I cannot help him and to stop calling me?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I can simply block his number but the poor man just seems so confused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Resolution:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;My phone provider got back to me and informed me that their numbers are recycled and the time frame is at least 3 months. They also said they won't be able to locate who was the previous owner of the number- so I passed along this information to Bill and he seemed to understand it.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;After some more back and forth it turns out that Wayne supposedly lives out of state and that Bill does not know much about the guy. Wayne bought a trailer from Bill a long time ago and mailed him payments in the form of multiple checks over time. So the trailer is paid for in full but Wayne never came to pick it up. So Bill called Wayne's number- (which is now my number) to ask him to pick up the trailer. Bill does know his first and last name so I gave him the 555-1212 number noted by baldPrussian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on all the calls from Bill over the past few days, I began to get the feeling that Bill wasn't calling again and again because he was still confused- but because he is lonely and/or wanted to talk to someone. He often went off on a tangent and would ask me questions about myself (location, age, job, etc.) These conversations were hard to leave as he continuously brought up something else to keep me from hanging up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now that he doesn't have a &quot;reason&quot; to call anymore (inquiring about any updates from my phone provider) and his understanding that there's no more leads I can provide to him about Wayne- he nicely said he will delete my number since &quot;it's not Wayne's anymore&quot; even though he &quot;very much enjoyed talking to me&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastEditorUserId="17375" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T19:11:59.337" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T19:11:59.337" Title="A stranger keeps calling and is confused that my phone number is his friend's old phone number" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14755" CreationDate="2018-05-21T01:11:22.700" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;First thing to keep in mind is that not everyone understands technology the way that we do. It's frustrating to those of us who work in technology to have to explain something that we consider so basic - until we stop and think that the people we explain it to do something very different that we don't understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd start with Bill here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It looks like Wayne hasn't had this number for a while.  I'm not sure&#xA;what happened; the phone company won't say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know Wayne and&#xA;don't know how to get hold of him; I'm really sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Wayne's his friend, he should know Wayne's last name.  In the US, directory assistance is available at 555-1212 (or 411) - if Wayne has a number, they might be able to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main thing is to be &lt;strong&gt;sympathetic&lt;/strong&gt; to Bill but also to &lt;strong&gt;repeat your point&lt;/strong&gt; - you don't know Wayne, don't know how to reach him, and don't know Wayne's new number.  There's no need to be mean about it, but if you keep politely repeating these points it should sink in.  He'll probably call a couple times more just in case there was a bad connection or out of habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short of blocking him, there's not much you &lt;strong&gt;can do&lt;/strong&gt; to change his behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T12:56:16.973" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14758" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14762" CreationDate="2018-05-21T01:49:38.170" Score="46" ViewCount="19137" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tomorrow I start work as a software developer -- my first full time job. Four of my close friends work at the same company. They usually eat lunch in the break room, but for everyone's interviews and first days they've gone out to eat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We went out to eat after my interview and someone paid for me. My birthday and graduation both happened recently and people paid for me then too. I don't want to make the mistake of assuming that someone will pay for me tomorrow after paying for so many of my meals in the last month. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In cases where I think someone might offer to pay for me I always bring extra money just in case, but right now I don't have any money at all. I plan to pack a sandwich. How can I politely request we skip the whole go-out-to-eat-on-your-first-day tradition without making it seem like I'm asking someone to offer to pay for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It's a tradition with my friends, the company is not involved (HR wouldn't help).&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2934" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:34:58.650" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T19:34:58.650" Title="How to politely request we don't eat out for lunch on my first day at new job?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14615" CreationDate="2018-05-21T03:04:55.570" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Several good answers, but I wanted to add a harsh lesson from my experience coming to terms with being a strong introvert with an extroverted heart.  I only in the past few years have learned to listen to myself and give myself the space I need to recharge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeatedly giving an excuse of &quot;maybe next time&quot; or &quot;I need alone time&quot; without &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; clearly establishing why can be interpreted as trying to avoid the person and just pretending not to be disinterested.  It can feel disingenuous.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend taking an opportunity to be direct with the person.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you do like them, tell them that while you honestly do enjoy spending time with them, you are a strong introvert - and clearly explain that that entails all socialization (the phrasing has been well discussed in other answers).  That on some or many days, you'll need alone time to recharge, or you risk experiencing burnout. Then explain that (as long as this is true) there are some days you will feel like socializing, and would enjoy spending time with them especially.  That you'll be honest with them if you feel you need alone time to recharge, or if you feel like hanging out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should make them feel more as if you have shared something about yourself with them as a friend, instead of that you're trying to avoid them, which could even improve your relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, most people don't mind giving you space when you need it - they just don't want to feel rejected.  Being upfront with them leaves no room for misinterpretation of &quot;excuses.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18095" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T03:04:55.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14761" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14748" CreationDate="2018-05-21T04:48:50.563" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Considering the type of culture your university is trying to promote&lt;/strong&gt; (arranging events for students to get to know each other), it sounds &lt;strong&gt;perfectly acceptable to say hello&lt;/strong&gt; to anyone who was at those events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What worked for me at college was to wave or nod hello to anyone who made eye contact with me. Depending on how close they are and how much in a hurry I was, I would add a quick acknowledge type of greeting:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nice seeing you (name, if you remember)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to some people not waving, nodding or greeting back, they are dealing with social anxiety too, just shrug it off, whomever wants to be a friend will come around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T04:48:50.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14758" CreationDate="2018-05-21T05:46:44.970" Score="90" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Postpone.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Schedule the celebration before your friends do, to a date when you'll have money, preferably payday to &lt;strong&gt;keep the celebration's purpose, meaning and excitement&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's go celebrate on my first payday, it will be awesome!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a friend, I would respect that and I think your friends will respect that too, a nice additional gesture to reinforce the message and convey you appreciate their support would be to bring something for them to eat too, that could mean making the nicest sandwiches or something your pantry and your knowledge of your friends' allows. Include notes with a personal touch and hand them early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thank you for all the support, working together is gonna be great!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something more personal, you know them better. If your friends are the type of people who are not uncomfortable eating in adequate public spaces you could make a picnic basket, and that would still be cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although considering the type of friendship you described you have, they might still want to take you out tomorrow but who knows if they'd tell you, don't bring the basket if that's the case as to avoid any undesirable ripple effect, by now &lt;strong&gt;you have already shown you don't want to be a burden and you are willing to reciprocate&lt;/strong&gt; to their nice gestures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A respectable way to handle lunch time if they take you out anyways, would be to make them company to &lt;strong&gt;maintain the excitement&lt;/strong&gt;, eat something inexpensive and if by any chance you were not satisfied, well, you still have your sandwich waiting for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck with your sensitive situation and congratulations on the new job!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T18:28:06.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T18:28:06.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14764" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14773" CreationDate="2018-05-21T09:42:20.373" Score="7" ViewCount="997" Body="&lt;p&gt;I play badminton with my roommate Scott regularly in a nearby court. Sometimes he brings his office colleagues to play. One of his friend Amy joins us from time to time. I would say I don't know her too well and have always considered her as a friend of friend.&#xA;Recently I went to watch a movie with Scott and Amy.&#xA;While returning I stopped to buy cigarettes.&#xA;Seeing this Amy started acting all weird and said she is very disappointed in me and will not be talking to me until I quit smoking .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I totally appreciate her concern and am myself planning to quit but her actions have left me puzzled.&#xA;We weren't talking a lot in the first place, just formal Hi hello, so her not talking to me wouldn't  have mattered. But her actually saying this have affected me in some way. &#xA;I initiated a text to talk about all of this, she texted me back by setting deadlines for me to quit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question :&#xA;How should I convey that her saying something like this is totally inappropriate and have unsettled me. &#xA;And I would quit smoking on my own timeline and don't need the incentive of talking to her be the reason for my quitting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17097" LastEditorUserId="17097" LastEditDate="2018-05-21T19:31:24.333" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T09:18:23.120" Title="Friend of a friend trying to coerce me to quit smoking" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14758" CreationDate="2018-05-21T10:21:37.110" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be honest.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply tell them that you can't afford to do so. &lt;br&gt;&#xA;If they are your friends then they will understand. &lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might offer to treat you or to postpone, or you might arrive at some other solution like offering to pay them back.&#xA;However the situation ends up being resolved, it's important that you tell them since it may have an impact on other arrangements they might want to make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's better to be honest and turn someone down if they offer to pay (or to come to some arrangement) rather than trying to skip the event and not offering any explanation or coming up with some lame excuse (which are both more likely to harm the friendship than being honest, even at the expense of some possible short term awkardness).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T12:26:34.697" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T12:26:34.697" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14768" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14744" CreationDate="2018-05-21T10:40:41.370" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you don’t approach this person about this situation, certainly not in the way your post comes across. Effectively you’re asking this person “how could you do that to me?” which no matter how you word it, it’s going to come across as needy if this person only considers you an acquaintance&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They did nothing wrong and they would be right if they also don't consider me a friend. It might make things awkward or make me seem needy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships vary in scale, which you recognise in the difference between acquaintance and friendship, but even within those “sections” there varying degrees of trust, respect, likeability etc. You say your definition of friendship is quite strict and have certain standards&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;whether this person considers themselves my friend to my standard or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if this person doesn’t want to meet your standards at this time, new relationships take time to grow and develop understanding of each other. My girlfriend had a similar all or nothing approach when it came to making new friends and as a result spent a lot of her 20’s feeling very alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She recently met a woman at a mother &amp;amp; baby group which she got on with quite well, until one day this person cancelled lunch plans at short notice. Her wee girl wasn’t well. My GF was fine with that until later this person put pictures on FB showing she’d gone a walk with another friend. My GF was extremely hurt and felt that this person didn’t like her or want to be her friend. That wasn’t the case at all though, her friends daughter was unwell and she took her a walk round the park for some fresh air. &#xA;A year later on my gf and this women are good friends and spend a lot of time together, but that wouldn’t be the case if my GF had went with her first instinct, asking for answers and an apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself what you want from this, do you want to continue to grow this friendship with this person or are you happy to leave it? If you’re happy to leave it by all means asks the question, if you want to continue to grow it, I would put this instance to one side. That’s not to say forget it, but just don’t make a big deal of it. As you’re friendship grows so will your importance to each other and these things will hopefully happen less often. If this person continues to do this, then you know where you stand and can decided if you want to be friends or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15670" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T10:40:41.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14758" CreationDate="2018-05-21T11:15:55.107" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since these are your friends just ask one of them or the group, if they can loan you the money for lunch. This shows you are willing to pay and aren't just assuming they will pay for you but letting them know that you don't have the money right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;— Hey!  Let's go for lunch! —&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  — Actually I don't have any cash at the moment and I brought lunch.  If one of you could lend me a bit until pay day I'd be happy to go. Alternatively put off the celebration until pay day and I'll treat you guys for a change —&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking for short term loans of small amounts is pretty normal, even more so when it is something like this where you had a different plan that wouldn't have required a loan. Chances are, based on previous experiences you related, they will tell you not to worry they are paying and the situation is resolved. Next most likely is one of them spots you the money and you pay them back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My assumption here is that you don't mind spending money on lunch as a general rule, you just don't have the cash at the moment. Wanting to cut back on frivolous expenses (certainly I prefer not to eat lunch at a restaurant every day) would be a different question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17000" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T03:28:48.737" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T03:28:48.737" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14755" CreationDate="2018-05-21T12:59:05.043" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are not in a situation to help this stranger, and even if you were, you have zero obligation to do so. You want to get rid of him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To do so, make it very clear to him that you are not going to help. Like “Hey Bill, sorry you can’t reach your friend, but that is your problem, not mine. Goodbye. “&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some think this would be rude, but you just help him not wasting his time by calling you again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he calls again, the answer is shorter: “Hi Bill, goodbye. “&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T12:59:05.043" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14758" CreationDate="2018-05-21T13:01:07.487" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pick one friend, the one you're closest to, and email/text/whatever:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, can I ask you to lend me some cash? I'm completely tapped out with the move and everything, and I know it's kind of a tradition to go out for lunch on Day 1 and I just don't have it - the credit card is full too. I'll pay you back on my first payday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The friend may reply &quot;hey, you're good, we're going to cover it&quot; or may lend you the $20. Either way, you're covered. And nobody else ever needs to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T13:01:07.487" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14773" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14764" CreationDate="2018-05-21T13:08:21.387" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that Amy has your overall best interests at heart but is seriously overplaying her hand.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing to keep in mind is that her comment is &lt;strong&gt;designed&lt;/strong&gt; to unsettle you and, in the course of doing so, make you want to quit smoking.  So I'd say that telling her that produces part of exactly what she wants and encourages a behavior you want to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Truth be told, even though I would never take it up, your decision to smoke is precisely that - it's a decision, and it's yours.  And quitting is up to you as well.  I can tell you from personal experience that nagging someone into quitting, when they are not 100% committed to quitting, &lt;strong&gt;fails&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;poisons&lt;/strong&gt; the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd start with this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for your concern.  This is my decision to smoke and I'd&#xA;  appreciate if you stop your attempts to make me quit.  I'll quit&#xA;  when I'm ready to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely she will try to give you the health benefits of quitting - I'd respond here with, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I thought you weren't talking to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's texting you and setting deadlines for you, then it's time to take a stronger stance: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Stop it.  Once more and I block you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she threatens to not talk to you until you do quit, I'd say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We really don't know one another.  This won't affect me very much&#xA;  other than to make badminton uncomfortable for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point here is to not argue with her or to get overly defensive about this.   I'm not going to say smoking is a good thing - far from it - but like any other action it's completely &lt;strong&gt;your choice&lt;/strong&gt; to do so as long as you're willing to accept the consequences for doing it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="12962" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T09:18:23.120" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T09:18:23.120" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14748" CreationDate="2018-05-21T13:14:53.117" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's always good to say 'hi' to people that you have met in the past. I find it especially kind and by seeing the impact it has to me when other people do it to me, I regret not doing it more often. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are too far away from you you could always say 'hi' using your hands. It's a polite and nice thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually keep it simple like 'hi man! great party yesterday' (I try to remind them how they know me) and continue walking my way smiling unless they engage more into a conversation. If they ask me something too or continue the conversation, then I might stay a bit to talk.  Sometimes people don't even remember me (because for example they were drunk at the party) but I don't care. I consider my way of life saying 'hi' to the people I know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have in mind that it is not a defeat to say 'hi' and not receive attention or a reply. It happens to everyone and you know you were kind enough to do it. Have in mind that other people might be thinking the way you are thinking so being the brave guy to say 'hi' makes you seem nice. If they don't react at all then it's their problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3538" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T13:14:53.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14755" CreationDate="2018-05-21T14:14:43.347" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;A short question: Does Bill sound old?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you are misunderstanding Bill's trouble - he is not upset that you have taken Wayne's number, he is troubled because it is a bad sign. If you call your best friend's number and without forewarning (I will move, here is my new number) someone else answers the phone, something has happened. In the very best case Wayne has simply changed his number and forgot Bill to tell, but in the more likely case Wayne has moved to a &quot;senior citizen's residence&quot; (whatever they call it) or died :(.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So please understand that he may be really quite confused and cannot think straight under duress. You should also understand that if someone is older, &lt;strong&gt;they were used to solve problems by personal contact and expected to be treated kindly and respectful. Many problems were solved by direct communication and connections, not by user support.&lt;/strong&gt; While mid-age, I lived in a time where Internet did not exist at all, no social media, nothing. So while some old people use the Internet and get information, some may have severe trouble to navigate in the new time and get clinically sterile polite, but useless answers if they try to solve problems on their own. So they may try to ask other, more adept people to get the information they want to have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are under no obligation to actually help him because you have no connection, but it really would be a nice gesture if you call the telephone service as he asked you to do. Your other question &quot;Does he have friends that you can contact?&quot; was very good, but his negligence to answer means that he is either too upset, he has no other good friends or that he really fears what I already suspected. &#xA;One other possible sad reason could be that Bill is actually senile and tries to call an already dead friend because it is the thing he most cared about. Listen if he seems to have forgotten something important said in the earlier talk or if what he tells is incoherent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he calls again&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you tried to help him, provide him with the info you got&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;tell him politely that you fully understand that it is very bad surprise that the number changed without forewarning, but it is as it is and you cannot help him more.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;suggest again that he calls other friends or give him the directory number provided by the other answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;tell him that you don't want to be called anymore.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he calls then again, hang up and block him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastEditorUserId="8702" LastEditDate="2018-05-21T18:27:21.417" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T18:27:21.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14776" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14777" CreationDate="2018-05-21T14:27:57.923" Score="26" ViewCount="6022" Body="&lt;p&gt;While my mother is usually extremely understanding of my choices in life, there is one choice on which she cannot agree, and it is my decision not to have children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Each time the subject comes to the table, it leads to an argument as she loves having grandchildren (both my elder sisters are mothers, and she expects me to become a father down the line).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried to explain to her my point of view :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can't stand children, and I don't know how to act towards them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I wish to focus on my own life, goals, and hobby and don't want to spend time taking care of a child.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not want the responsibilities that come with being a father.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those are my reasons not to have a child and my SO shares that point of view. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have also tried to dismiss the subjet when it appears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But each time a discussion starts about children, we come under fire and they usually give arguments such as &quot;you'll want children later&quot; or &quot;you'll love children when you have some&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is: &lt;strong&gt;How can I get my mother to support our choice, even if she does not agree with it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're in France and everyone concerned is French.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note :&lt;/strong&gt; this question is close to the question &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2061/how-can-i-tell-people-that-my-girlfriend-and-i-dont-want-children-of-our-own&quot;&gt;How can I tell people that my girlfriend and I don't want children of our own?&lt;/a&gt; but different. They're question focuses on being able to announce that decision without being rude. Here I am trying to find a way to get someone who already knows about our decision to be more supporting of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T12:13:35.690" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T15:00:14.283" Title="Help my mother to understand my choice when it comes to having children" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-05-22T11:24:58.253" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14776" CreationDate="2018-05-21T15:31:45.407" Score="48" Body="&lt;p&gt;A very powerful way to get your mother to support your choice, or at least to stop arguing with it, is to stop explaining or defending it. She has heard your reasons many times, I am sure. She has rebutted them. She has presented her reasons. What you probably don't realize is that when you tell her a reason, you are giving her something to argue with. &quot;I don't like them&quot; -- &quot;you will when they're yours!&quot; or &quot;I dont have time for that&quot; -- &quot;you can make time, and we'll help, and it will work out, you'll see!&quot; and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and your SO should pick a position, either &quot;we will never have children&quot; or &quot;at the moment we have no plans for children and no timeline for that plan changing.&quot; Then practice saying this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, mother, for wanting us to be happy. I appreciate it. [SO] and I have decided [position]. That is our decision as a couple. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the rebutting starts, you simply repeat the position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have heard that from many people.  [SO] and I have decided [position]. That is our decision as a couple. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can trot out this precise sentence in response to any assertions she makes. If she switches to questions, like &quot;aren't you afraid you'll be lonely when you're old?&quot; you do not have to answer them. If you want to, then have a standard response like &quot;we'll cross that bridge when we come to it&quot; or &quot;it may be hard work, but we intend to [half sentence eg have a lot of younger friends]&quot;. You might want to bring your nieces and nephews into play: &quot;we intend to be an amazing aunt and uncle to name, name, and name!&quot; (Don't say this if you dislike and avoid those children, of course.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you allow discussion on this topic, it remains a topic for discussion. As long as your mind might not be made up, she can try to change your mind. So, if your choice is made, then from now on when the topic is raised, make it clear that you are not surveying opinions, not gathering information so you can make a choice, not considering options. Your choice is made. Talk that way. This includes not putting a lot of energy into defending and explaining it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T15:31:45.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14776" CreationDate="2018-05-21T16:22:24.457" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to expand on &lt;strong&gt;Kate's answer&lt;/strong&gt; (which is perfect)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;TO HELP EVERYONE UNDERSTAND, THIS IS AFTER YOU HAVE TRIED KATE'S&#xA;  ANSWER, BUT I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE THAT WILL NOT STOP SOME PEOPLE.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was panicking about a social event where I knew a close relative would be spending a lot of time complaining about somebody else in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was given this very useful comment, &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Just because somebody is talking doesn't mean you have to listen&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if she starts up and you reply as Kate suggests and she still carries on, you terminate the conversation. So if you are on the Phone simply &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Bye mum, I am bored of this conversation again.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if she is visiting you, leave the room to do a job or a chore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, if you are going to start this again, I will put some washing on.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if you are visiting her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, if you are going to start this again, I will be off.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not stating this as a first tactic, but if she won't stop after you have been polite, you don't have to be polite to rude people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to comments.&#xA;If His mother was continuing to convince him to stop doing something dangerous, unhealthy, deadly etc this would be nice of her. But she isn't she is pestering the OP to give HER more grandchildren.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The OP has tried to shut the conversation down, but his attempts (I am presuming) have been to try and change the subject. I am saying end the conversation, and let her know why.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have also tried to dismiss the subject when it appears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;as &lt;strong&gt;sdg238&lt;/strong&gt;, eloquently says, she has heard every argument but doesn't care, all she is caring about in this conversation is what she wants.  That is rude by any definition of conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been through this with my mother-in-law she didn't care about my concerns at all or even my imaginary future children's concerns (I was working through issues that would have made me a very bad mother).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are all standard toddler training practices for ending unwanted behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="11738" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T15:00:14.283" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T15:00:14.283" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14779" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14744" CreationDate="2018-05-21T16:41:12.660" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;my definition of friendship is extremely strict  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, you are right to have your own definition of friendship. Perhaps everyone does so, consciously or subconsciously, and friendship happens between individuals who share a similar definition of friendship, by and large.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;our trip was dismissed in the same way as a co-worker would dismiss a&#xA;  lunch. It made me feel like I wasn't important, that I'm not&#xA;  considered their friend and it made me feel like they didn't really&#xA;  want to go on a trip with me anyway and were just lying until&#xA;  something better came along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are right to feel that way. Leave alone a friend, one shouldn't treat any person that way. You can't take someone else's time for granted and should not accept it if someone does it with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They've done something that I'd never do to someone I consider a&#xA;  friend, but they might not think it's that big of a deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't think it's a big deal, it obviously means their definition of friendship is far from yours. Do you want to invest your friendship in this person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel offended/defensive because I would have discussed the situation&#xA;  with the person I already had plans with, even if they weren't&#xA;  concrete. Something like &quot;hey, some of my friends invited me to X and&#xA;  we booked it, so let's postpone our plans to Y&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, that's the right expectation between two mutually respecting individuals, leave alone friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to figure out what happened here, whether this person&#xA;  considers themselves my friend to my standard or not... I'd rather not&#xA;  disclose my feelings on the matter&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can still ask without inferring to &lt;em&gt;friendship&lt;/em&gt; at all. Like &lt;code&gt;Hey, I thought we had a plan for the weekend and I've organized some of my other important chores with that in mind, meaning I had to delay some of them. In the end, our plan didn't work out and my other chores are left unfinished too. In future, I'd appreciate if you tell me in advance if our mutual plan isn't working out from your side. Does that make sense to you?&lt;/code&gt; Their response, both the content and the way it is said will give you ample hint of what's in store. If they apologize and promise to make amends, you can give this &lt;em&gt;friendship&lt;/em&gt; another chance. Else, that person at best stays as an acquaintance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm also worried they might say I'm being too sensitive, or that it's&#xA;  not a big deal. They might think they did nothing wrong and they would&#xA;  be right if they also don't consider me a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it is important to not disclose your feeling of a &lt;em&gt;wronged friend&lt;/em&gt; and then you are good. And their behavior is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; justified even with a &lt;em&gt;non-friend&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I also feel like it should have been something I should have&#xA;  approached in the moment. (It happened yesterday.) ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said above, if the question is asked in a non-emotional way and as a means to chalk out a future course of action rather than to complain over what happened, it's never too late to ask this question. If it matters that much, may be you can ask this question the next time your &lt;em&gt;friend&lt;/em&gt; proposes a &lt;em&gt;plan&lt;/em&gt; with you. &lt;code&gt;Look, this is what happened last time; I didn't want to make it an issue back then, but I don't want it to repeat, so I would like to know why you did what you did&lt;/code&gt;. The response should help you decide...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1592" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T16:41:12.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14780" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14785" CreationDate="2018-05-21T18:03:39.710" Score="4" ViewCount="669" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a female friend who is going through a divorce, and she will talk to me at times for emotional support. My girlfriend is not happy with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend has very few people to turn to and I do not want her to feel abandoned. Similarly, I do not have many friends and wouldn't want to lose her either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend, though, deserves my primary emotional attention and I shouldn't let someone else take that away. Furthermore, she feels that this sort of interaction is inappropriate and is concerned about the possibility of romantic interest arising from this, or that there already may be some on the other end. I tend to be want to help people but I don't want to be in a situation where I feel trapped by the emotional needs of someone however distressed they may be, especially at the expense of my relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I would like to find a way to set some appropriate emotional boundaries and distance, and ideally I would like my friend to still feel supported and able to cope. Right now we do not talk too often, maybe once every week or two, but my girlfriend and I wouldn't want this to foster any dependency or grow bigger in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13423" LastEditorUserId="13423" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T14:04:03.557" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T08:38:28.307" Title="How can I set emotional boundaries with a friend who is going through a difficult time without leaving them feeling abandoned" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14782" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14816" CreationDate="2018-05-21T18:19:38.863" Score="10" ViewCount="766" Body="&lt;p&gt;I come from a land where regionalism is at its peaks. The moment I tell them that I am from a particular region, stereotyping and judgement begins. Mocking, sarcasm etc are all part of it. This is quite common at both the workplace and the apartment where I share with a few others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the contrary, I do not have affinity towards any part of the country. I do not get judgmental. I talk to everyone in the same manner. I am old enough to understand that this kind of mockery or coming to irrational conclusions is foolishly common. I only feel sorry for them that they are extending these views to everyone they meet rather than trying to know the person, individually. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few incidents to cite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I am cooking a particular dish, there would be a taunting remark from my flatmate, as 'We don't use these kind of spices or this amount of spices'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am watching a movie on TV or laptop, there would be a remark, 'I wonder how you understand this language so well.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or 'I have never seen anyone from your region getting dressed up like you. You are different from the rest. Where did you learn this from?' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels like I have to prove every single time I come across people from other regions. Probably that is what they expect me to do, i.e., give a reason or explanation to why I am being the person I am rather than accepting me for what I am. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is really relevant here, the answer is I am a natural at picking up things related to fashion, cooking or my diction. I do not have to struggle much about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the times, I remain silent. I never answer nor do I tend to reply to such silly remarks. But, over the years, this has started to get overwhelming. I am sick of hearing those kind of statements. And at the same time I do not want to sound rude to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I shut down regionalist remarks without being rude?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I do not want to burn any bridges, since these people are coworkers, roommates or family. But I would really like these comments to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T13:03:34.820" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T13:48:56.823" Title="How to shut down regionalist remarks from coworkers and friends without being rude?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14784" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14792" CreationDate="2018-05-21T19:33:32.453" Score="12" ViewCount="1361" Body="&lt;p&gt;I come from India, where the culture is a little more conservative than in the West. I am a woman dating a woman (Let's call her D), currently in the US. My girlfriend's roommate's parents recently came to visit her in the US, and I was over at her place. Since I knew they were coming, I pitched in to help with the cooking/cleaning activities and hung out with them too, since I often hang out at my GF's house and her roommates (Let's call them A). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While her parents were very nice to me and conversing, they wanted to know how I knew D. In Indian society, dating is still a little new, and one would not generally introduce one's significant other to a friend's parents even in a heterosexual relationship.  I was introduced as her friend. Her parents, however, were confused as to how we met and ended up being good friends, since we both go to different schools here in the US. I brushed it off by saying that we had common friends and had attended a few science events. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They returned the next weekend, and I hung out with my girlfriend again, as I do over weekends. We all had breakfast/lunch at home. They all wanted to go shopping after, and I was planning to head home, not wanting to intrude on their activity. However, my girlfriend wasn't feeling very well, so I decided to stay at her house with her while they (roommates and parents) all went out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;D's roommate told us when they came back, that the parents had a lot of questions about how exactly I know D, why I spend so much time at home with her, whether I come everyday when I live far away, and whether D has a boyfriend. This made both of us a little uncomfortable, especially when D's roommate asked us to come up with names and some story for how we know each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I gracefully indicate that while I respect them, they are not our parents and really have no business having to know the details of where and how we met and how we know each other, or have a problem with how much time I spend with D? In general as well, when I don't want to go into the whole 'D is my girlfriend' and have to deal with potential homophobia or shocked faces, how do I get people to be satisfied with 'I'm a friend of D's' and not have to answer detailed questions of how and why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorDisplayName="anon" LastEditDate="2018-05-21T22:24:51.643" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T22:24:51.643" Title="How to rebuff probing questions when introducing my girlfriend to acquaintances as a friend?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14780" CreationDate="2018-05-21T19:39:45.070" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;One suggestion on where to start would be to function as one &quot;unit&quot; with your girlfriend, and focus the emotional support coming from the &quot;you + your girlfriend&quot; team (kinda like when you give a gift to someone and it's from you AND someone else). Have lunch with your friend to catch up, but bring your girlfriend along, for example. Emails can be group emails where it's you, your girlfriend, and your friend in the address list.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I do understand that this may limit how much your friend may open up to you. However, the plus side of that is what I believe you're asking for: the distance provided by the feedback that the presence of your girlfriend would provide, but at the same time knowing you're providing even some support to your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An additional possibility to this, depending on how your friend and girlfriend vibe, is that they may even start to have conversations one-on-one without you present, which may support the goals you indicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17977" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T19:39:45.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14787" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-21T20:26:36.677" Score="4" ViewCount="1351" Body="&lt;p&gt;Years of dedicated martial arts training has resulted in a condition where my footfalls are nearly silent.  This has led to some IPS problems.  Specifically:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People often jump when I &quot;appear&quot; in the room&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When walking behind lone males on the sidewalk late at night, I've taken to scuffing my feet on the pavement to signal to the person in front that there is someone else on the sidewalk behind them.  (This relates to &quot;coming up on someone&quot; from behind being often interpreted as hostile--anyone who has ever been &quot;jumped&quot; will know what I am speaking of.)   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also tend to walk more quickly than most, even using normal strides, so I tend to pass a lot of people on the sidewalk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is proper etiquette for making one's presence known, non-verbally, so as not to startle people when entering a room or approaching from behind on the sidewalk at night?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Note: Coughing can be considered non-verbal communication since verbal implies actual words:]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11926" LastEditorUserId="11926" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T20:37:44.380" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T04:44:17.623" Title="What is the proper etiquette for making ones presence known non-verbally?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14776" CreationDate="2018-05-21T20:52:09.593" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;You cannot make someone sincerely support something they don't agree with.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;  You may be able to convince them to stop actively opposing it, but that is not the same thing as obtaining support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just as you want to be understood, you should also seek to understand.  She is the mother of a person that she believes is making a poor choice.  She feels a strong obligation to help that person change their mind, and likely nothing you can say will change that feeling.  So you and she need to find a compromise regarding the way this issue is raised and discussed, not one regarding the choice itself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may have to describe how her behavior is hurting your relationship with her and then be clear about what you're asking her to do, such as to stop making comments that criticize your judgement or that hinder your appreciation of her company. You have to avoid making her defensive; use sentences that begin with &quot;I feel&quot; rather than &quot;You are&quot;. Also, you have to express appreciation that she loves you so much as to continually desire to express her views about it. Finially, you need to work with her to come to an agreement concerning the rules of engagement for this topic, and you may have to patiently remind her many times of that agreement.  At all times, you should act in love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If what you really want is for her to play-act like she supports your choice while continuing to disagree with it, I would suggest that you are asking for an unreasonable accomodation on her part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18116" LastEditorUserId="18116" LastEditDate="2018-05-21T20:57:11.520" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T20:57:11.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14789" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14794" CreationDate="2018-05-21T20:55:30.053" Score="10" ViewCount="2692" Body="&lt;p&gt;For nearly half a year now my partner, &quot;Jane&quot;, has taken to using non-binary gender pronouns (they/them) and has asked those around them to respect this decision.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that their closest friend, &quot;Alice&quot;, is having a hard time understanding this concept.  Alice is aware, and acknowledges, that she doesn't use they/them pronouns, and has even made a comment to Jane before along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Aww... Jess uses your pronouns... I'm such an a**hole, I'm so bad at it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, Alice doesn't seem to &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt;.  I've never once heard her try to use they/them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, Jane asked both Alice and I to start calling them by a new name, as part of a test to see if a more gender-neutral name feels right to them.  Alice immediately went back to using their birth name after being told this information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;truly&lt;/em&gt; believe Alice is not doing this to be malicious, but simply hasn't been exposed to this type of situation before (which is why Jane is so lenient with her and often attempts to shrug it off).  I'd like to help Alice work through whatever is holding her back from changing this undesired behavior, since she is otherwise very supportive of Jane.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tactfully discuss with Alice about why she hasn't started using Jane's preferred pronouns?&lt;/strong&gt; I'm not &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; close to Alice and want to make sure I don't come off as condescending towards her lack of effort, since I feel like that could ultimately push Alice even farther from changing her behavior (she will even more desperately cling to what she already knows). Additionally, I want to avoid confronting Alice in a way that could make her focus more on apologizing to Jane than changing her behavior going forward.  No apologies are necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-05-21T22:24:34.747" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T16:08:39.963" Title="Discussing misuse of my partner's pronouns with their best friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14784" CreationDate="2018-05-21T21:28:30.097" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I'm sure you probably already suspect, it sounds like the roommate's parents are already suspicious... The boyfriend question sounds like a pretty strong indicator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I gracefully indicate that while I respect them, they are not our parents and really have no business having to know the details of where and how we met and how we know each other, or have a problem with how much time I spend with D?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kinda depends on how &amp;quot;out&amp;quot; you are, or want to be, and how important this roommate situation is to your girlfriend. If you're the out and proud type &amp;quot;D is my girlfriend&amp;quot; would be a completely appropriate response... But guessing from your other questions, you may want to handle it more delicately. If you're willing, or wanting, to tiptoe you can just stick to your story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, giving rather short, dry, boring answers will tend to help. When asked how you met, or why you spend so much time together, or anything along those lines just keep it short and uninteresting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: How did you all meet?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;A: Friend of a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: Why do you all spend so much time together?&#xA;A: Just have the weekend off, and not much else to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key with this approach is to sound neutral and boring. Basically a &amp;quot;move along nothing to see here&amp;quot;. No need to lie outright, unless they work up the nerve to ask more outright questions. It also helps to have a plausible exit strategy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: Why do you all spend so much time together?&#xA;A: We like to study together. Speaking of, we should probably get started with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing to keep in mind is that the roommate's parents may be poking around to see if their daughter has a &amp;quot;suitable roommate&amp;quot; this is obviously uncomfortable and problematic for you and your girlfriend, and a full disclosure may mean needing to find a new roommate. That's a pretty awful situation to be in, but weigh any action against how important this living arrangement is for your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any rebuffing like a &amp;quot;this is none of your business&amp;quot; will probably just raise more suspicion, so probably better to avoid that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general as well, when I don't want to go into the whole 'D is my girlfriend' and have to deal with potential homophobia or shocked faces, how do I get people to be satisfied with 'I'm a friend of D's' and not have to answer detailed questions of how and why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a little more tricky. People are often curious, and sometimes completely nosy. But again, short, dry, boring answers will usually do the trick. People tend to be less curious when the answers to their questions are boring. If needed giving them a quizical look when answering probing follow up questions can also help. It seems to give the impression that you're not sure why they would want to know, or you're not sure why they would bother to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can definitely relate to your situation, and I'd guess that many, if not most LGBT+ folks can remember times that they've had to stay in the closet, or times they've had to tiptoe around the issue with people. We've probably all done&#xA;it at some point... But it's awful. And we shouldn't have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kind of thing is a large part of the reason that I prefer being more of an &amp;quot;out and proud&amp;quot; type. Granted I have to deal with the occasional homophobe, but for me, it's easier to make the occasional homophobe uncomfortable, than to deal with the discomfort of going back in the closet. Then again... I'm usually not the type to be overly concerned about being well liked, nor am I afraid to step on toes when people get nosy, so that helps too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess what I'm trying to say is, tiptoe if you absolutely have to, or if it's easier for you personally, but it's really really nice not to have to do that so much anymore. And I hope that you don't have to deal with this situation for long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T21:28:30.097" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14789" CreationDate="2018-05-21T22:21:12.277" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I've seen work, or at least sort of work with the right sort of person, is a reminder of what they're doing and why it's hurtful. Granted, people slip, it happens, but not even trying is kind of an a**hole thing to do. Sometimes a gentle reminder that that's what they're doing is called for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I say &amp;quot;the right sort of person&amp;quot; I mean someone that is a friend, and probably not terribly phobic. Someone who obviously cares, but doesn't really &amp;quot;get it&amp;quot; or realize that these things carry the weight that they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be a conversation better had between Jane and Alice because they're closer, but I wouldn't think it odd or inappropriate to stand up for your partner. Sometimes people need that extra support, and it's always nice to know that someone has your back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... Here's an example of what I've found useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, could you make an effort with the name and pronouns?  [wait for a response]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not easy for people making these changes. When you use the wrong name and pronouns you're invalidating a piece of who they are as a person. The outside world is pretty hard on people like Jane, they need your support right now. It would mean a lot to me, and I know it would mean even more to Jane if you made an effort. You two are friends, and your friend needs your support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wording is of course entirely flexible, but the key there is that last bit &amp;quot;your friend needs your support&amp;quot;. It seems to help to place the focus there rather than on the admonishment. Alice seems to know that she's doing something wrong, she just needs a reminder that her friend needs her to cut the crap and be a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just realized that this answer wasn't backed up as well as it could have been, or should have been. When answering questions from users I've interacted with before, I forget that the other people reading these may not have read the previous posts... My bad, sorry about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm legally married to and living with my partner, who is trans/gender-fluid (they/them) and we have a roommate who is binary trans (he/him).  Situations like the one asked about here come up fairly often in our day to day lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To offer a specific example of this sort of thing working...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner had a friend/co-worker who is a cis-gay-man. He was a good friend, but didn't really make any effort with pronouns till he was called on it. After a gentle nudge in the right direction, he started making an effort. Shortly after, he gave my partner one of those &amp;quot;my pronouns are: ____ &amp;quot; name badge thingys that he picked up at a pride event as a show of support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later he became my partner's primary ally in their workplace. He's now the person who offers this sort of gentle reminder to others and my partner appreciates having the backup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T16:08:39.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14789" CreationDate="2018-05-21T23:09:20.527" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a transwoman and going from he/him to she/her, I get that a lot. The longer people knew me as a man, the more difficulty they have. Some catch on quite quickly and just make the occasional mistake, some have to date not caught on yet, even though they are as supportive as they can be at the moment, given that they are going through something akin to bereavement. The longer they know you and the closer they are to you, the harder it gets and the more patient you have to be. Months, years, even.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Changing pronouns and first name is a big deal. It usually comes after a lot of deep soul searching in trying to figure out what you are and letting go of some of the cultural norms that have left their mark on you. You have made that decision and of course you would like everyone, especially close ones, to conform. And when they don't, it feels as if they are invalidating your choice and thereby an essential part of you. Frankly, it hurts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it does not work that way, close ones have to let go of those same cultural norms with respect to you, to view you as you are and not what you used to be and finally, to break with the force of habit. This is even more difficult when you are not at either binary end of the spectrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it is much preferred that &quot;Jane&quot; does this. &lt;em&gt;You as a partner can chime in or provide tips, provided that you have squared this with &quot;Jane&quot;.&lt;/em&gt; So where necessary substitute &quot;Jane&quot; with &quot;I&quot; and me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Announce what the pronoun and first name should be&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this gently and with some empathy for how difficult this is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice? I understand that this may be difficult for you, but &quot;Jane&quot; would really like you to start using they, their and them when you are referring to them. It is really important to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conversation may now go to 'Yeah but why?' or to apologies in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answering the why&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without saying that it hurts (leave that until there is no significant progress):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Jane&quot; is very sensitive about it. It has been a tough and hard decision for them. Yet the decision has been made and by using him/her instead of them it is like we are saying that they have made the wrong decision, even though we don't mean to. We must respect their decision and follow, even though it may be hard and will take some time to adapt to this new situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Redirecting apologies in advance&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's okay to mess up, it takes time to learn. Here is a tip, when you say him/her instead of them, just correct yourself. Don't apologize or only with the briefest 'him/her .. sorry .. them'. It shows you are making an effort and that is what matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is part personal experience, part stories from others. Today my ex wife called me by my dead name first, then immediately called me by my assumed name. This is much less painful then having to listen to an apology, including rationalizations on why she messed up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Announce intent to correct&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Corrections on the use of the correct pronouns and correct name should be done gently, but brief. Tone is important here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you are corrected and that will happen from time to time, just acknowledge it and move on. Like in 'He/she did that then', 'They', 'Oh right, they did that then'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also important to reward good behavior. Smile when Alice uses the correct pronoun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Educate Alice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually there will also be questions from Alice, aiming to understand why &quot;Jane&quot; has changed or chosen this path. These are natural and part of the bereavement process/paradigm shift. Simply answer them truthfully if you can and also make it clear that &quot;Jane&quot; is not unique in this and that &quot;Jane&quot; is not solely identified by their gender. But beware of Too Much Information as this may make it more difficult for Alice to come to terms with the new situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Above all, be very patient.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I had all the answers on this one and give a foolproof recipe, but I don't as I am in the middle of a similar process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastActivityDate="2018-05-21T23:09:20.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14795" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14780" CreationDate="2018-05-22T01:16:13.540" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way to go is to convey you are not interested in her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sustain a coherent and constant signal.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You have many options, you can do more than one of these:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bring your girlfriend to your meetings, so if she needs some minutes of privacy your girlfriend is just around the corner, this will also help you set boundaries about time spent talking with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Introduce new men to your friend, be sure to keep your girlfriend posted so she knows you are not romantically interested in your female friend and taking steps for her to get with some other person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Recommend a dating site.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Recommend professional therapy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If both are ok with it, girlfriend and female friend can become friends.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid being alone together, if she wants to talk, meet at public spaces.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your girlfriend needs you to stop seeing her, you said you don't want to loose this friend, so keep in touch by phone, not text, because that is too impersonal. Send her a care package and explain your girlfriend concerns, she should understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T01:16:13.540" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7350" CreationDate="2018-05-22T01:43:03.807" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been thinking of trying to catch up with my own father. I haven't seen him in years so I can relate. Keep it simple, just call your Dad and have a conversation, see how he is. Perhaps have a couple of notes for safe items of conversation jotted down before the call if you're nervous. Then if it goes okay, ask him out to lunch during the day on the weekend or something like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about your sister. My sister gets quite emotional regarding her relationship with my Dad and tends to overcompensate which stresses people out. Your Dad will appreciate the effort I'm sure. If he asks about other family members only say positive things about them or nothing at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of us can change the past. It takes courage to make ourselves vulnerable enough to reach out in case there's some rejection. But even if you try and it doesn't work out at least you can tell your Mum that you tried. Keep it positive, and my opinion would be don't talk about &quot;the relationship&quot; as it will just dredge up old problems. People change, but if we are reminded of something from the past that we're not happy about we might become defensive to protect ourselves. We're all the sum of our experiences, good and bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18121" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T01:43:03.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14797" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14798" CreationDate="2018-05-22T05:42:56.843" Score="27" ViewCount="8837" Body="&lt;p&gt;I started a new job recently. I already knew the person who I work closely with and am friends with him. This may change the typical dynamic for a work relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, he sometimes goes really fast when showing me how to do things. So fast I can't understand. I try taking notes but it's not possible when I can hardly catch what he's clicking on in the first place. I tried asking for documentation I can learn from, but I was told there isn't any (since it's a new project). The project is behind schedule so I understand why everyone is rushing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best way to approach the issue? One thing I would like to consider is, if it's a one time thing I don't need to repeat then I don't care if he goes fast, but if I'm supposed to be learning so I can repeat the process, than this is an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously I don't want to come across as incompetent, and the work environment is very quiet so I'm sure others will hear me. (Back when I was in school I had a work placement that didn't go so well. I told my advisor I was trying my hardest to get the work done and he said 'sometimes trying to do work is different than actually doing work.' I personally don't see it this way because if you try your best and it still doesn't turn out well, there's nothing else you could have done. Bugging someone to slow down, to me is doing my best because for me to do my best I need to know exactly what it is I am to be doing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for all the great answers! They helped a lot. Another thing I found that has helped is asking for time to finish writing a note e.g. &quot;so that's how you get to that window! one moment while I write it down in my notes&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18125" LastEditorDisplayName="user18125" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T08:04:17.187" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T14:52:43.827" Title="How to ask coworker to go slower so I can learn how to do it" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;training&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14797" CreationDate="2018-05-22T06:18:26.467" Score="27" Body="&lt;h2&gt;My experience&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I learnt during my work attachment is that I cannot be afraid to speak what's on my mind. I had a similar experience as yours; I was an intern at a R&amp;amp;D company, and when my supervisor showed me the outline of the project and what I was supposed to research on and how I could go about doing it, I couldn't understand some things that he was trying to say, but I didn't seek to clarify as I didn't want to come across as incompetent, like in your case. So I tried to do the research without understanding the big picture of the project and the purpose of the particular segment I was researching on, and ended up getting reprimanded during the review meeting for not doing my work accurately to the project's needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Takeaway&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the takeaway from that experience is to boldly request for the thing that you want, i.e. ask your co-worker to slow down. Yes, your co-workers may be rushing to complete the project, but &lt;em&gt;they would rather spend 5 more mins of their time explaining the ropes to you at a slower speed than to have to spend a couple of hours trying to fix your mistake and correct your errors somewhere down the project line.&lt;/em&gt; Also, you mentioned that your relationship with your co-worker is closer than a working relationship. &lt;strong&gt;Therefore, he would be even more inclined to help you ease into the new working dynamics, instead of thinking that you are burdensome for making him slow down so you can understand better.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, a small tip you can use is to ask him about any questions over lunch, or after office hours (whenever convenient). You can offer to buy him a drink / treat him lunch as a gesture of your gratitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Sample&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can approach the matter like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [co-worker], I'd love to take notes on this part so that I can replicate this on my own without having to always clarify it with you.. Maybe you can go a little slower so I can catch up with you on my note-taking? Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That aside, all the best in your new job!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastEditorUserId="16292" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T06:31:53.920" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T06:31:53.920" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3744" CreationDate="2018-05-22T07:13:26.897" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;What someone thinks and what they say is not the same thing. What they say and what we hear is not the same thing either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could say to you: &quot;I don't know how you managed to do this, but customer X just called to say that you did an excellent job, and X has never done that before&quot;. That clearly says that I'm impressed with your job, and so is customer X. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would assume that is what your boss thought as well, but what he said was &quot;I don't know why, but customer X just called to say that you did an excellent job&quot;. Well, that came out wrong. Maybe we should send him to interpersonal training, to express himself clearer. Still the message is that your boss and customer X are impressed by you, just the message came through a bit muddled. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then unfortunately what you heard is not the same as what he said. What you heard was &quot;Customer X just called to say that you did an excellent job, but I can't see why they said that because you are not very good at your job at all&quot;. Which wouldn't be a nice thing to say and would have rightfully annoyed you, if he had actually said that - which he didn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In hindsight, when he said this, you should have confirmed that the positive view is correct. For example &quot;So you think I did a good job at X&quot;. Now it is very hard for him to give an answer that can be misunderstood. Instead you asked for negatives like &quot;is there something I need to know?&quot; or &quot;did you receive a complaint?&quot;. If what he said was indeed meant as praise, as I suspect, these questions would have just confused him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T07:13:26.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14797" CreationDate="2018-05-22T07:33:02.287" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to teach folks how to use a computerized analytical chemistry instrument. I quickly discovered that no one learned the instrument if I ran it. So I made it a point to have the &quot;student&quot; run the instrument while I told them what to do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus I'd suggest that you ask to give the input to the computer while your associate tells you what to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6584" LastEditorUserId="5150" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T07:55:08.940" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T07:55:08.940" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14782" CreationDate="2018-05-22T07:34:13.457" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just repeat the question to them as serious as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask 'How do you understand the language so well?' Reply with 'How do you?'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be slightly offensive and aggressive but it brings home the point that everybody has the same potential and their own roads to how they became who they are now. It also puts the ball in their court to make the unspoken statement of 'people from region x are bad at this and that' spoken. Which they will rarely do unless they are really offensive people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if they end up doing that you have a good excuse to smile, stand up and walk away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T07:34:13.457" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14797" CreationDate="2018-05-22T08:09:25.750" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your co-workers job is to teach you how to do something, then you need to help them. There are several ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way is to ask them to let &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; do the job, they tell you every step, you write down notes for every step, and then you do the step. Writing the notes down &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt; so they don't tell you the next step immediately, leaving no time for notes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even better: His job is to teach you how to do something, your job is creating the instructions to do it, with that made clear from the start. So you don't just take notes. You create a document at the same time, that could be used by anyone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he insists on doing things himself, then you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; stop him from doing the next thing before you finished taking your notes. After the first step you say &quot;Stop, I have to write this down&quot;. When you are finished you say &quot;Ok, go on&quot;. If he continues at speed, you say &quot;stop, this is pointless if I don't have time to take notes&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it may be that the work has to be done urgently - that means it's the wrong time to teach you. But if the problem is just that there is a lot of work, that cannot be helped. It's much more efficient to teach you things in a way that you actually learn it, than you trying to do this and making lots of mistakes. So if you interrupt your colleague, that's not rude, that's a requirement of the job and in the best interest of the company, so you are perfectly fine to do this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T08:09:25.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14797" CreationDate="2018-05-22T08:21:28.080" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I first want to mention &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brooks%27s_law&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Brook's law&lt;/a&gt; which states&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;adding human resources to a late software project makes it later&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At a certain point this is even true for senior employees. The extra overhead to work together is more than what you gain from having an extra person doing stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a new employee it's even worse. When we got a new colleague in our team, our team lead clearly stated that &quot;it'll probably take you at least 6 months just to know what we do here&quot;. And that is most likely an optimistic estimate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for those first 6 months we all know that the new guy will slow us down with the hope that afterwards he'll start contributing more and more so we can start actually doing more work than without him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't your fault. So your main goal should be to catch up to everyone as fast as you can and &quot;bug&quot; your colleagues just as much as necessary to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said there are also 2 different goals your friend can have when explaining things to you. Either teach you how to do it yourself next time. Or show you that it exists for future reference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's just to give you an overview, it's fine the way he does now and goes over this really quickly. Although when I did the same for our new colleague, I explicitly told him that I was going to go too fast and that he should focus more on the big picture and not so much on which buttons I press.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your team is responsible for multiple projects, or somewhat separate parts of a project, it's a good idea to start with quickly showing some parts of it. That way when your team lead later on has to decide what you should be doing, you at least know what they're talking about. You wont know how to do those things yourself yet, but at least you can say things like &quot;Ah yes, friend showed me that last week. That looked really interesting to do&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the purpose is to actually teach you how to do it and your friend is the one responsible for that task, I fully agree with MaxW's and gnasher729's answers. Ask him if you can have the mouse and keyboard and let him tell you what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point it's worthless to just try it yourself without knowing what to do. If you don't know something, don't waste time trying to figure it out yourself. Immediately ask someone how to do it correctly instead. That way you're going to be a valuable team member faster, which will benefit everyone in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T14:17:01.630" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T14:17:01.630" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14807" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14789" CreationDate="2018-05-22T09:00:53.217" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm gonna give you a example of what went through MY head when one of my friend suddenly came out as transgender that may help you understand Alice's mental state and then give you a few pointers at what you should do. It is probably different for everyone and just to be clear, I'm perfectly fine with transgender people or any other community, you do you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Story Time&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, &quot;Julian&quot; became &quot;Julie&quot;. It was a huge shock for me and I had to pass through all &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;the five stages of grief&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first, as all people, I thought she was just joking and when I realized she definitly was not, I didn't understand, I refused to understand. Where should have been Julian there was Julie, it was not right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was angry for a little amount of time. I was angry that she didn't tell me sooner. That she left me unprepared. I was angry that she was &quot;She&quot;, but surely my friend was still there somewhere so I quickly repressed my anger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I thought that, If I continue to act the same and say the same thing, nothing will really change. Julian will stay Julian, so I continued to use &quot;he&quot; instead of &quot;she&quot;. Maybe she would make up her mind if I treated her like her older self. At this point, she started to voice the need to be called in a proper way, the way she chose to be called. I shrugged it off, mostly like your friend. I was also a bit pissed off at people who reconginzed her new identity, they were interfering with my work !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I realized it wouldn't work, at all, I started to use her new name and pronouns but it was hurting. I felt that Julian was gone and I was just killing him more everytime I used the new name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally I accepted that there was no more Julian, it was Julie now, but Julie was still very similar to Julian, same memories, same reactions to things, same tastes. Now Julie was a friend, and a dang good friend at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Conclusion &amp;amp; Answer&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think we often find ourself more tolerant when we are in our confort zone. When you are suddenly confronted to an unusual situation, you might find yourself more affected than you would think (and less tolerant).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't but imagine the pain and distress that transgender people feel when they transition but I feel it's important to acknowledge the pain that close friends and family may feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should both take it slow, reassure Alice that Jane is still her friend and that while it may not make sense Jane really wants you to acknowledge their new identity and that comes through using the right pronouns. You can also assess that it's especially important coming from their best friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then give it time, she'll come to accept it... or not. I understand it may be hurtful but she may never accept it, so changing your reaction may also help if you want to salvage the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17201" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T17:29:06.563" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T17:29:06.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14797" CreationDate="2018-05-22T12:09:44.537" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One thing I would like to consider is, if it's a one time thing I don't need to repeat then I don't care if he goes fast, but if I'm supposed to be learning so I can repeat the process, than this is an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should discuss with the co-worker which case is it. And ask if you should take notes or even what exactly should you note. Don't assume you have to learn every step. Maybe you have, maybe you don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion when interacting with a new system, you should usually first understand what it is, what it does, how it works etc - the big picture. Almost always it's more important to understand &quot;why&quot; behind the user actions not &quot;what&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had to explicitly tell others not to take any notes. Because the exact sequence of actions might be useful in a single case ever and learning it does no good. The actual point would be - to understand what we are trying to achieve and how did we decide that. &quot;How to do it&quot; - that's usually a tiny detail that you can ask when you try to do it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your case might vary so there's no other choice but to ask what you should learn and then discuss the details about teaching speed or whatever else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2892" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T12:09:44.537" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14789" CreationDate="2018-05-22T12:51:11.097" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr: before asking Alice to change pronouns, ask her how she feels and what she thinks about the whole situation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to expand a bit on &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14807/6808&quot;&gt;Loki's answer&lt;/a&gt;. I think that the key point here is understanding &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; Alice is behaving like that. She probably knows that Jane prefers gender neutral pronouns, but probably she doesn't understand or accept it thoroughly. To quote the OP,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I truly believe Alice is not doing this to be malicious, but simply hasn't been exposed to this type of situation before&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people are used to think in binary terms. The entire society talks in binary terms - from grammar and language to gender stereotypes (pink for girls, blue for boys etc); finding examples of non-binary people is not that frequent. Using non-binary pronouns means first of all acknowledging that the non-binary model is a valid one (i.e. gender is a spectrum, not 1/0), that one's own perception may vary with time etc, you will know what it means better than me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking &quot;Can you do A instead of B?&quot; bears the implicite assumption that B is not correct. When the person has strong feelings for B/against A, this request may induce the person to take a defensive stance on the subject and make them even more reticent to do A. What my father did with me, when I was in the situation of not wanting to do something because of strong feelings attached to it (be it tantrums or more serious issues), was deescalating the situation by asking me &lt;strong&gt;what&lt;/strong&gt; I felt and &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; I'd feel like that. It had the effect of making me reflect upon the issue instead of blindly defending it from an outside attacker. Moreover, from my point of view he became the person who you can talk with, and not the one trying to persuade you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my suggestion is approaching the problem in multiple steps, or even several  conversations. The first conversation should revolve around &lt;strong&gt;stepping in Alice's shoes&lt;/strong&gt; and asking her about her perception of the current situation. Acknowledge that her position is not that easy, as Loki said. Ask her about her opinions about gender: what is or isn't gender, what concurs to build it, whether she thinks it may vary... She may have issues with your partner's gender fluidity which she can't voice with anyone, or she's not even fully aware of. During this first conversation I suggest using open questions and &lt;strong&gt;not expressing any opinion of your own about the subject&lt;/strong&gt;, in order to make her feel free to express also negative emotions towards the current situation. Make this conversation all about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're lucky enough, she will be the one talking about it again. If she identifies you as a person with whom she can talk freely, then jackpot! If this issue didn't surface in the first step/conversation, ask her what are her feelings specifically about your partner's requests. Then you can pass on  discussing the same issue from your point of view and your partner's one: if Alice feels listened, she will also feel more eager of listening demands from other people. Focus primarily on &lt;strong&gt;feelings&lt;/strong&gt;: what Alice feels, what you feel, what your partner feels. I don't know if this is the case, but a mistake that people unfamiliar with LGBT+ sometimes do is thinking that gender identity and sexual orientation are more opinions than facts. While opinions and stances on things can be perceived as right or wrong, feelings can't be dismissed that easily. However, I think it may be useful stating clearly that the identity of your partner as they themselves perceive it is not negotiable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Above all, focus on what you three can do to reconcile your feelings. Make her be proactive about it. If she recognizes that her effort is truly needed in order to make your partner feel better with themselves, more accepted, happier etc it will be easier than just meeting you demanding all of a sudden to respect something she doesn't understand at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-05-29T13:35:20.383" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T13:35:20.383" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14813" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-22T13:19:03.950" Score="1" ViewCount="485" Body="&lt;p&gt;While staying with a group of friends, colleagues or with a single individual, is it okay to have smiling face always during normal conversations or while wishing others such as good morning etc., &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the people who interact won't say anything for and against it. But some frank people ask that &lt;strong&gt;why are you feeling shy?&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, I don't feel shy while talking, but it's my habit to keep smiling face when people are around me and while normal conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there need to smile less during talk or wish or its okay to continue with a smile?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a young male from India.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorDisplayName="anon" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T07:13:08.353" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T07:13:08.353" Title="Does over smiling falls under girlish in India?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2018-05-22T14:22:13.723" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14814" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14797" CreationDate="2018-05-22T13:27:13.680" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's imperative you learn the process, and it definitely sounds like it is, you should try to put some control back in your hands - schedule some time for him to come to your desk and have you walk through the process, rather than trying to follow him with your eyes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By having control of the process yourself, you can set the pace that you perform it at - and by doing it while he explains the steps, you get a chance to perform it as well, which may help ingrain the steps into your mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that this suggestion is aimed to help you learn the process - it might be more difficult to convince your co-worker to go along with it.  Explain the importance of you learning the process, and how doing it will help you memorize how it's done.  Say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, you know that (process) you showed me how to do? Could you come by my desk and walk me through it? I want to make sure I get it right.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T13:27:13.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7350" CreationDate="2018-05-22T13:41:13.623" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a really complicated situation with several layers before you - having been in somewhat similar circumstances, I wish you all the strength you can muster for the future! I´ll try to untangle this a bit by concentrating on the main layers individually. Obviously this is not a simple interaction but a long journey before you, and you have to find the exact path for yourself. This may only serve as some pointers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Your Mother&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She seems to be your primary motivation for this &lt;em&gt;getting back your father&lt;/em&gt; - and it´s a gift that you have been given the opportunity to get things straight with her. I suggest you use it to get to a stage of honesty where you don´t leave things unsaid that haunt you in the future. I can second @anongoodnurse good advice to talk to her and see what her fears and motivations are for requesting you two get along. It may also be helpful to explain to her the hurt, rejection but also emancipation you have gone through with your father. Don´t concentrate on the who-did-what, but rather on what you felt or still feel. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Your Self!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After being somewhat square with your mother, you should take some time to listen to the most important person in this whole - &lt;strong&gt;yourself&lt;/strong&gt;! Yes, you´ll probably have to live the longest of all involved with the emotional burden that gets imposed upon you. Think about what you´d want to say if you could communicate to you father for the last time? Maybe write him a letter, if talking is to complicated or tends to get you agitated. Maybe you don´t need to have him apologize or take any blame? Maybe you can just convey to him what effect he had on you, and &lt;a href=&quot;https://books.google.de/books?id=BFkmgzZhkBMC&amp;amp;pg=PA218&amp;amp;lpg=PA218&amp;amp;dq=unilaterally%20make%20peace%20with%20father&amp;amp;source=bl&amp;amp;ots=RVxPI1u1qS&amp;amp;sig=e9AZWK6f9iZP-XBFRYXcqVby2IA&amp;amp;hl=en&amp;amp;sa=X&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwik7sCss5nbAhUMmrQKHUajBeoQ6AEIJzAA#v=onepage&amp;amp;q=unilaterally%20make%20peace%20with%20father&amp;amp;f=false&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;forgive him&lt;/a&gt;? The goal it not to revive a romantic father-son relationship but to demystify the man and separate yourself from him emotionally. See him for what he actually is: &lt;em&gt;A aging man, who has as much trouble with himself as he has with &quot;modern&quot; times!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe, &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; you want and &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; he behaves, you can build a new relationship to the old man, helping him to get along here and there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Your Father&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wildcard in this whole setting. Apart from being potentially destructive to his surroundings due to alcohol-abuse (addiction?). I´d suggest to begin by unilaterally making your peace with him, and expect nothing in return from him. Be friendly and don´t let yourself be drawn into any argument. Treat him like you would any stranger, polite but distanced. Take it slow and see if there is a relationship to be had. Not that of father to son but that of adult to adult. Maybe, with time your forgiveness will bring you reconciliation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last: If alcohol abuse prevails, I suggest you get additional help on how to deal with addicted people in the long run - one of which may be withdrawing any support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I am writing from personal experience having lost family while they where estranged and also having had alcohol abuse in my vicinity. This whole topic borders on several painful intrapersonal issues also. I tried to focus one the interpersonal side as much as possible. I strongly suggest to get support by a involved third party, maybe a even professional psychotherapist whenever you fell this is too much for you!&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T13:41:13.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14782" CreationDate="2018-05-22T13:48:56.823" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say they start being rude so it's perfectly valid to be a &lt;strong&gt;little bit&lt;/strong&gt; rude back.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There are a couple of ways to deal with the sarcasm. My personal favorite is to completely turn the sarcasm around and treat it like an over the top compliment. As in: the more sarcastic they say it, the more serious you take the compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: I wonder how you understand this language so well.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: Oh I didn't realise that it actually takes effort to understand this. I must be a natural. Thanks for pointing this out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another fun way to respond is with an equal amount of sarcasm. This works really well with a big smile and preferably also taking it as a compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: We don't use these kind of spices or this amount of spices.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: You don't? Well ever since I tried it this way I loved it. You should try it as well, you might learn how to make it tasty too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Careful with that kind of wording. This only works if you're already on somewhat friendly terms or if you like friendly banter. If done incorrectly this can result in actual dislike of each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of the return sarcasm you can also treat it as if it wasn't sarcastic at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: I wonder how you understand this language so well.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: Hmm, I never thought about that. I've been used to listening to this language/dialect my whole life so it takes me about as much effort as understanding what you say. Do you have trouble understanding me perhaps?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or maybe a better example (I'm more used to responding the sarcastic route so I seem to have trouble finding a good example here).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: We don't use these kind of spices or this amount of spices.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: You don't? Than what spices do you usually use in this dish?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask it as genuinely as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they keep their sarcasm on just continue normally&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: Well everyone knows you should use this spice instead.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: Oh, well I didn't. Perhaps I should try that next time. &amp;lt; continue cooking normally &gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a couple of reasons why (I think) this works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) When done often enough you yourself will nog longer focus on the sarcasm part. For you, after the response the negative conotation is dealt with so you can go on with your everyday stuff without worying about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) It usually tends to go into a more normal conversation instead. Especially if they were just looking for smalltalk in the first place and wrongly defaulted to the sarcastic remarks because everyone does so. By ignoring the sarcasm you make the smalltalk work and can actually have a normal conversation from there on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) By actually responding normally they get to know you a bit better. This means they'll start seeing you like the normal (or at least interesting) person you are. Which as I understand it was your goal in the question in the first place :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T13:48:56.823" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14813" CreationDate="2018-05-22T13:55:35.290" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Smiling naturally and smiling on purpose has some distinct differences. It´s very hard to fake a honest natural smile. Most people will &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/apr/10/psychology-empathy-distinguish-fake-genuine-smiles&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;detect the difference&lt;/a&gt;, at least subconsciously and to them you will probably feel a bit artificial and unsecure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So unless you work in customer-service, I´d suggest to forget about smiling and just let your body do what it does naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Disclaimer: I am not proficient in Indian culture, so this may be different locally. My viewpoint comes from western culture as well as general human psychology&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T15:12:37.350" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T15:12:37.350" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14755" CreationDate="2018-05-22T14:35:58.460" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The pattern of Bill calling multiple times in a day and Bill not comprehending or retaining the information you've given him sounds like he has some (possibly age related) cognitive problems.  If that's true then no amount of repetition or discussion directly with Bill will end the phone calls.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One possible solution is to ask Bill if &lt;strong&gt;he&lt;/strong&gt; has anyone else you could talk to to explain the situation.  If Bill has any children or more competent relatives they may be able to handle trying to locate Wayne.  They may even know that Wayne in fact has passed away, and be able to remind Bill of that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T14:35:58.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14821" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14822" CreationDate="2018-05-22T17:51:03.820" Score="64" ViewCount="22814" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an engineer in a technical field, but I work regularly with sales, and I am often given business cards by vendors or customers at work. I know that I will never use them, and I almost always immediately throw them away. We already have their contact info in our database.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, accepting the card seems dishonest. I would be embarrassed if they caught me throwing it away, and that's usually a flag for me that I shouldn't be doing something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also usually very straightforward and blunt. However, it seems rude (even by my standards) to say &quot;No thank you, I wouldn't ever use your business card.&quot; I want a way to say that, while also communicating: &quot;This isn't a personal insult, I'm sure other people will find it useful, but I would just put yours in the cylindrical file.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not concerned with the &quot;green&quot; aspect of wasting paper, it just seems dishonest to take the card with a smile and throw it away some other time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or maybe this is nonsense, and I should just get used to having a pile of business cards somewhere that I purge when necessary. I don't mind if someone wants to engage me in a &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/263661/does-stack-exchange-allow-for-answers-which-question-the-validity-or-stance-of-t&quot;&gt;frame challenge&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it matters, I am in Chicago, Illinois.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11734" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T18:07:24.293" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T15:01:06.440" Title="How can I decline someone's business card with tact?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-22T18:00:18.760" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who works in technology as well, it seems like business cards proliferate like rabbits in Australia.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Vendor reps expect to give out cards.  They prospect for leads and don't expect that every card they give out will lead to a sale - they want you to know what they sell and maybe keep them in mind in case you need a service/product that they offer.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of that, I have no problem accepting a card and putting it in a file later on.  Some I keep; many I discard.  It won't hurt anyone's feelings and I don't think it's dishonest to take a card from someone - I perceive it as &quot;here's my contact info in case you need it&quot;.  I think it's kind of a jerk move to throw it away right in front of the rep but otherwise, unless you promise to call them about something, they don't expect a lot from you.  Additionally, it is a lot less awkward with reps to accept their card than to decline it.  That just leads to a longer sales discussion that you may not want to be part of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T18:00:18.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-22T18:01:20.100" Score="164" Body="&lt;p&gt;Answer: You cannot decline without offense in all cases, and if you wish to be successful, you will politely take the business card, and not throw it away until you are absolutely certain that you will not be observed doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are entire business cultures built around business card exchange(China comes to mind), and based on your question, it is only a matter of time before you kill a deal because of your attitude towards business cards. Yes, it is that important to many people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, I recommend getting yourself your own business cards and exchanging them on these occasions. Additionally, get a business card holder to keep them in and place incoming ones from others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The impoliteness trumps whatever &quot;dishonesty&quot; you are feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T18:01:20.100" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14824" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14829" CreationDate="2018-05-22T18:08:10.733" Score="97" ViewCount="27615" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a programmer, I largely run on the logical/factual side which tends to get me in trouble with my emails being read in tones not intended. One email, I even was sat down with my boss for being &quot;condescending&quot; when I by no means meant it that way at all. I just try to layout the information as concise as I can while being informative and cutting out the fluff. I again had my boss talk to me today about my tones used in the emails and I am wondering what I can do to avoid people reading them with the wrong tone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The line in an email flagged as condescending:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob, I currently don't have the luxury of time to look at the issue right now as I am trying to get a high priority project done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My manager told me that this was taken as being condescending by the recipient. For those wondering, The following lines asked how important the issue is (which was never communicated to me until after my boss talked to me), and if needed, I can take a look at such and such time/day and then proceeded to provide some knowledge about what I knew of the subject off the top of my head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, these emails are sent out via team leads/project managers/Senior developers or someone who is aware of the political climate and is able to word things appropriately, but my company does not have these roles and it is up to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I probably was mostly just trying to get them to go away. I was getting a lot of pressure to get this project done in a relatively unreasonable time frame while also holding some benefits hostage based on its completion. I definitely realize that does not make my response excusable, but wanted to provide more context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it should be noted that this was not the only content of the email! The email as a whole was close to 4 paragraphs explaining my knowledge that I knew off the top of my head about the situation and the application. This line was highlighted because of the poor word choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2019-07-05T14:09:26.580" LastActivityDate="2019-07-05T14:09:26.580" Title="How can I avoid coming across as condescending when telling a coworker I can't work on an issue right now?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-22T18:22:10.447" Score="77" Body="&lt;p&gt;TAKE THE CARD. It's not dishonest, because everyone knows that just giving someone a card doesn't make it 100% or even 50% that the person will ever call you or use your services. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are asking how to do something that is, well, inherently rude--and you seem to actually want to be honest. Any advice I would give you would involve social lies like &quot;I'm trying to go paperless&quot; (You aren't)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yeah, take the card, with a smile. And have your own printed up if you don't already. Anytime anyone gives you one, go ahead and burden them with one of your own. (You might want to have a generic one without personal cell phone and just the office number on it made up especially for this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honesty is overrated when it comes to people you don't know well. Social lies are the grease that keeps society together, but there are degrees. Take the card and say thank you. You don't need to say &quot;Yes! I will be sure and call you for your services!&quot; Taking the card and saying thank you does not imply that you will treasure their card forever and will call them immediately, or ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, if you give them your card, it might lead to good things that would never have happened. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a card pile or filing system (they used to sell these don't know if they still do) and throw them away each year...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T18:22:10.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14826" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-22T18:26:26.483" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you truly are not trying to be condescending, then you'll need to work with your boss to come up with ways to reword your emails.  For example, instead of telling people that you &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;don't have the luxury of time to look at the issue right now&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;your boss might suggest saying something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm working on a high priority project that I don't feel I can interrupt.  Could you please contact (my boss) with this matter and have him tell me what priority to put on it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, you aren't telling the sender that their problem is unimportant (which your original email implied).  Instead, you are saying that your boss will have to make a call as to whether it's reasonable to switch what you are working on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One other approach you could try is that when you write such an email, try to imagine that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; sent the original request, and that the request is important to your work.  How would you feel about the reply you are sending?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-05-22T20:14:16.453" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T20:14:16.453" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-22T18:27:02.663" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Answer: You need to sound apologetic, even (and perhaps especially) if you aren't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, don't cut the fluff. In fact, it sounds like you need to add extra fluff. You have inadequate fluff. This &quot;fluff&quot; is called &quot;soft skills&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The line you report as having been flagged reeks of the &quot;you are bothering me, go away&quot; sort of attitude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More or less, every similar request should be met with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob! Unfortunately, I've got very little bandwidth to take on new&#xA;  work. Would you mind coming by for a few minutes (or make a brief&#xA;  meeting) in order to discuss where your ask lines up compared to my&#xA;  current priority list to see if I can somehow wedge it in? Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are busy (the &quot;unfortunately&quot; is the apologetic part, it says &quot;I'm sorry&quot; without actually saying &quot;I'm sorry&quot;). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are not unwilling to help. Likely, you have NO bandwidth, but you never say NO bandwidth, you always say &quot;very little&quot; bandwidth.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Other things may prevent you from helping.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;But that's what I said in my flagged sentence,&quot; you say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, you didn't.  Break it down:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I currently don't...&quot; - this is non-negotiable and inflexible sounding. It might be true, but that's now how to communicate this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;...the luxury of time...&quot; - sounds snarky and sarcastic.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(the rest is likely OK, but completely ruined by the beginning bit)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T18:27:02.663" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-22T18:31:47.300" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;As for myself, I almost always take a photo of any business card, sales, marketing, promotion etc. I do it both from environmental aspect and to allow me to easily find it (if relevant) whenever I need it, without the need to dig in the pile of cards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use this method and explain it's for your convenience and for better organizing without losing it, and you get the &quot;green&quot; for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, thanks for your card!&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  Let me take a photo of it so I can easily find it when (or if) I need to contact you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And then hand him back his business card, and you can add (if you feel it's suitable):&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And we also also helped the environment as a bonus! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another bonus, is that if you take a photo and store it in Google Photos and search by keywords (such as paper or card maybe), or even use &lt;a href=&quot;https://thenextweb.com/apps/2018/03/06/google-lens-now-describes-landmarks-and-creates-contacts-from-business-cards/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Google Lens to scan the business card and save it as a contact&lt;/a&gt;. You can then tag the contact in a form it would be easier to remember (or delete later).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13736" LastEditorUserId="13736" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T09:54:22.643" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T09:54:22.643" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14829" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-22T18:37:48.733" Score="194" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your problem here is the word &quot;luxury.&quot; Not only would the line flow just as well if you cut it out, but it's insinuating that the person emailing you isn't as busy as you are. It's probably being taken as &quot;not everyone has the luxury of free time at work like you do,&quot; which I don't think you're trying to convey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, that line could be rewritten (taking out the redundant &quot;currently&quot; and &quot;right now&quot;) as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I won't be able to look at the issue right now as I'm very busy with a high priority project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, even this may be taken as insulting! Unfortunately, humans are not as nice to work with as machines. There's no &lt;code&gt;bob.reply(ggiaquin16.busy, false);&lt;/code&gt; method to call. &lt;strong&gt;While it's good to remove emotion and keep your work emails objective, you also have to be careful not to be emotionless--there's always room to be polite!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, I'd actually modify the line further to add an apology, as that's the polite thing to do when you cause inconvenience. This will also help lead into the rest of your email where you suggest things you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do despite being busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I won't be able to look at the issue right now as I'm very busy with a high priority project. However, ... {helpful things here}&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you say that you enjoy &quot;cutting the fluff&quot; (and I can relate!) but the addition of those first 2 tiny words makes all the difference where human interaction is involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to add that I prefer to use figures of speech in emails like these. So I may say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I won't be able to look at the issue right now &lt;strong&gt;as my bucket is full&lt;/strong&gt; with a high priority project. However, ... {helpful things here}&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(emphasis for the figure of speech)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you should be careful with this. While a well understood figure might let your email be better received, a misused figure will hurt you. This is what's happening with your &quot;luxury&quot; usage in the original email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-05-28T00:46:52.823" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T00:46:52.823" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-22T18:38:10.253" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few bits strike me as problematic about that excerpt:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The phrase &quot;the luxury of time&quot; could imply that you think dealing with this problem is merely a &quot;luxury&quot;, while the other person might consider it a necessity. From their point of view, you've just minimized something troubling. I would personally find this offensive; it's not really a &quot;luxury&quot; to get work done, is it? If you want to keep this general phrase, maybe switch it to simply&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the time at the moment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which retains your original point without coming across the wrong way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The ending &quot;I am trying to get a high priority project done&quot; could also be taken the wrong way, to imply that the other issue is low priority. Maybe this is a generous interpretation, but I don't think the phrasing helped. I'd be fine with it, but others - including your coworker - might not. A possible phrasing change would be&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am currently trying to finish another important project that needs my full attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This emphasizes both the importance of your main project and the fact that &lt;em&gt;you're&lt;/em&gt; the one who has to do it; you can't (or shouldn't) merely delegate it to someone else (I assume).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The general brevity of it. I've . . . maybe done a poor job of this in emails I've written, and I've been making a point of fixing that lately. If that sentence is the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; part of the email you've dedicated to addressing that concern, then that's going to come across as pretty rude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside from replacing or removing those first two problematic phrases, I would suggest extending that excerpt a &lt;em&gt;little&lt;/em&gt; bit more.&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; You could, for instance, add on&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll try to get to this when I have more time - feel free to email me again in a day or two, if I don't get around to it before then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which shows that you do care about the problem and will help when you can. I do this when possible. It makes the other person feel good because they know you haven't forgotten, it makes you feel good because you've gone part of the way towards helping someone, and it makes your boss feel good because employees are helping one another and getting things done. It's a win-win-win!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it won't hurt to mention this again to the coworker, if you happen to see them later, and just repeat why you can't help right now, but will be able to later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I typically like to expand on this a bit by talking about what I'll do in the future. For instance, a lab partner recently emailed me asking if I had done any analysis yet on the spectroscopy data we'd gotten, and whether his calculations seemed right. Here's something I'm glad I &lt;em&gt;didn't&lt;/em&gt; write:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I haven't. I'm working on the weekly problem set right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I wrote something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I haven't had time yet! I'll look into it in more detail tomorrow, but if you check the spectral lines at X, Y, and Z nm, you can get a good diagnostic of whether our lines fit the model. I'll get back to you when I test this out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a bit more reassuring than the first choice, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to ask your manager for feedback on your next email, that might not be a bad idea. They've pointed out a problem, and showing them that you're working on it builds trust more than anything else. Maybe this is overkill and maybe it's not; it's all up to you. Communication is really important. Make sure you get it right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; You've clarified that your original email contained a couple paragraphs talking about the problem! That's great; it looks like you did that right. Having only a brief email was my main concern at first. At this point, then, the only thing you need to worry about is the specific phrasing, as I talked about at the start of the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="102" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-05-28T13:54:45.920" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T13:54:45.920" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14831" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-22T18:40:26.477" Score="135" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to work on your written communication skills. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being logical and factual has nothing to do with it. You're implying that you can't be logical and factual as well as tactful in your emails. That's simply not true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's look at why the example was wrong:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the luxury of time&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Time spent doing your job is not a luxury. This phrase implies that anyone who can spare the resources to do the task is somehow working a luxurious job while you labor away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am trying to get a high priority project done&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This implies that Bob's request is harming your efforts to complete a task that you are asserting is worth more than Bob's work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cut that out. Those details are just your opinions. You claim you don't like fluff, but using words like &quot;luxury&quot; and including the importance of your work is fluff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you cut out unimportant details, focus on conveying a friendly environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Proper, polite communication is part of your job. Political climate is irrelevant.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on positive sentences:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob, I would but I am currently tied up in another project right now. Can this task wait until I'm freed up a bit? Maybe in [X] [days/hours]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Including specific dates and times helps Bob determine that your email was sincere. If you just reply &quot;I don't have time&quot;, it will come across as &quot;Go away and don't bug me&quot;. To put it simply, that makes you a bad employee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This advice is not specific to your job. Your company should not need to have designated roles for these emails because their employees are incapable of proper human interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Important Note:&lt;/strong&gt; Face the facts. Your email was condescending. You didn't mean to do it. That's fine; mistakes happen. We are here to learn. But you need to accept the facts here so you can move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Helpful Tips:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Facts aren't always useful. The priority of your work is irrelevant unless asked specifically, even if it's true. Only include them when needed, never before.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you don't convey your intentions, you open up your words to interpretation. Always say what you mean and explain your rationale if it is ambiguous.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A little &quot;fluff&quot; goes a long way for politeness. However, it's not really fluff. Using words in text that explain your emotions are a substitute for Body Language, and are &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; important if they add value to the interpretation of the other person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Text has tone. The English Language is vast enough to express yourself. Use it wisely and take into consideration your culture, as well as &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dictionary.com/browse/connotation&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Connotation&lt;/a&gt;. If your text is so concise that it loses your intentions, it's not concise, it's &lt;strong&gt;lacking&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No one has the ability to read your mind through their computer. All they have is what you write. They are not required to figure out your intentions. If you make them do this, not only can you be in trouble when they take it the wrong way, but you also waste their time attempting to dissect it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some people are better at this than others. If you are constantly having trouble expressing yourself via Email, &lt;strong&gt;find a way to talk to the other person face-to-face&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T21:32:10.477" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T21:32:10.477" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14832" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14787" CreationDate="2018-05-22T20:27:09.960" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately (or not), much of the responsibility for avoiding this falls on your own shoulders, s you can't force other people to become more sensitive to your presence, nor is that a reasonable expectation in a public venue. I have much the same problem, due to the same type of training (martial arts) that you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I am at work, I take care when approaching a blind cubicle opening or other &quot;surprise&quot; potential area, to make some noise when approaching. If I am walking down a carpeted hall, I will walk on the opposite side from anyone that I might be following/overtaking, and as I get a little nearer, I scuff my shoes a bit or make some other noise. That way they are aware, and I am not directly behind them which also removes some of the threat perception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I take much the same precautions when I am out, in that if I think I might be surprising someone by my presence, I will try to make that presence known before I'm suddenly &quot;there&quot;. Especially in public, where you have no idea how someone may react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may still forget, or there will be people that are so oblivious you could be juggling tambourines and they won't notice you, but taking a little precaution to make some noise on approach will be very gratefully received by everyone around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5568" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T20:27:09.960" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-22T22:29:19.200" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;In direct answer to your &quot;How can I improve my tone&quot; question, here are some things that work for me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Actually smile when you write the email.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This helps friendly up your actual intent, I have found.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pretend the person is looking over your shoulder, and you are just putting an agreement in writing for the record.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Helps foster a collaborative tone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Invite your co-worker to help find a way to get it all done.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You acknowledged that you had a &quot;go away&quot; feeling while writing the mail.  Try acknowledging the issue head-on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is absolutely alright to set priorites, and for some things to crowd others off the schedule.  Everybody is short of time, and everybody should understand this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope these things help if you should try them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;FINALLY, look at this answer to see how I have softened the message, and tried to &quot;meet you half way&quot;, establishing common ground.  :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user15836" LastActivityDate="2018-05-22T22:29:19.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-22T23:15:41.933" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's condescending because it says &quot;My stuff is more important than your stuff.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A better approach would be to state in a fairly neutral way that you have a current priority which was assigned to you by (whatever authority set that priority for you) and ask the requester to send their request to (whatever authority sets your priorities for you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The benefit of this is that it can't be interpreted as a macho contest between you and the requestor. It may turn out to be that &lt;strong&gt;your boss's&lt;/strong&gt; stuff is more important than this other person's stuff, in which case it'll be up to your boss, not you, to communicate that in a graceful way. Or whoever it is who gave you your priorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It'll save you from making a statement which sounds like you're judging their need to be less important. That's what was condescending about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep this in mind, too: Unnecessarily flowery language very often carries unintended meanings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not going to be able to do that before the &lt;em&gt;name-of-project&lt;/em&gt; deadline&quot; versus &quot;I don't have the luxury, my work is high priority&quot;. For someone who &quot;largely runs on the logical/factual side&quot;, you included some unnecessary messages there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you did so with language which invokes emotion (&quot;luxury&quot; evokes hedonism) and personal judgement (you all but called their work unimportant) rather than bare uninflected facts (your simple unavailability and lack of freedom to flex).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it simple, use small words, it's less likely to result in unintended perceptions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastEditorUserId="3031" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T18:14:52.293" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T18:14:52.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14787" CreationDate="2018-05-23T04:13:47.317" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Same happens to me, a light variation of &lt;a href=&quot;https://outdoors.stackexchange.com/questions/8209/how-to-walk-silently-in-the-woods&quot;&gt;fox-walking&lt;/a&gt; is at play here, maybe because martial arts or who knows, &lt;strong&gt;it's a hard to beat habit&lt;/strong&gt;, a personality feature I'd say, and your shoes might be wearing down in strange ways; side of heel, side of the sole at the ball area, etc. There's a funny scene on one of the Ocean's movies which offers a wink onto what happens to your shoes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;strong&gt;solution&lt;/strong&gt; totally depends on context: any non verbal signal you offer will be a good fit for etiquette if you are &lt;strong&gt;congruent with the environment&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Parking lot? Play a bit with your keys&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cafe or store playing soft music on the background? Whistle or hum along&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Public office spaces? Clear your throat before you are too close&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid approaching people from behind whenever possible&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can simply hug your inner kid who always wanted to be a ninja.&#xA;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.imgur.com/j4jmF5c.gif&quot; width=&quot;466&quot;&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T04:44:17.623" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T04:44:17.623" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14780" CreationDate="2018-05-23T05:09:22.283" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel there are 2 issues here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don’t want to feel weighed down too much by providing a lot of emotional support&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;your girlfriend doesn’t trust you enough to care for a friend in need&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first point is fair indeed. I have been this go-to guy too for someone for a while and it can be extremely tiring. Especially if it’s not a temporary situation but something long-term like depression. The desire to help people shouldn’t come at the cost of your own life (too much)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second point is more tricky. Do you want to be the person that cannot give support to a friend going through a bad time, just because your girlfriend is jealous? Does a relationship where someone don’t quite trust the other to be alone with a friend of the opposite gender not require some work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3723" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T05:09:22.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14764" CreationDate="2018-05-23T07:07:27.883" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently I went to watch a movie with Scott and Amy. While returning I stopped to buy cigarettes. Seeing this Amy started acting all weird and said she is very disappointed in me and will not be talking to me until I quit smoking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I convey that her saying something like this is totally inappropriate and have unsettled me. And I would quit smoking on my own timeline and don't need the incentive of talking to her be the reason for my quitting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is not talking (and listening) to you until you quit smoking then you either need to quit smoking first or presume this person you do not know is prone to exaggeration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like an unfortunate choice of approach on her part. Does she confront strangers and make demands and empty threats to them, it seems like there is little to be gained and a lot to lose by hanging around with her - explaining &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; to Scott is probably a better course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the event that she would choose to listen simply explain that making demands of you is hardly a very sympathetic way to deal with someone whom has a very difficult to deal with addiction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would she feel if you demanded that she undertake the lawful action of smoking, it makes little sense to deal with strangers that way. Does she think your life was empty until she came along to tell you she wants nothing to do with you - hey, thanks for sharing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Politely explain, if you care to, that if she wants to advance her position she needs to learn more effective ways to advance her argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I smoke, I know it's neither a good choice to have made nor one I wish to continue doing; I have reduced my smoking significantly the past couple of years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not tell her 'random guy' on the Internet continues to smoke, despite her threatening not to talk to you - by her logic, that will fix her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quiting smoking is my advice, and not hanging around with others whom have poor judgment makes as much sense as suggesting to an alcoholic not to associate with drinkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe Scott needs to make better choices too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does she do things you don't approve of, do you have an entitlement to tell her how to live her life - if you didn't before you do now, she has opened that door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T07:07:27.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14780" CreationDate="2018-05-23T08:38:28.307" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think emotional boundaries start with what YOU can not accept. Saying no is powerful and often it pushes the other person to find solutions in a way that's not dependent on you. It's heathy both ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have as much right to your emotional/relationship wellbeing as your friend. And you should trust your friend in that she is capable like any other capable adults of taking care of her own emotional wellbeing, with or without you in it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, it's your responsibility to set expectations with her. You own it to her to clearly communicate what you could and could not handle when supporting her. It will only strengthen your friendship and trust in the long run. If she's a good friend and genuinely cares about you, she probably wouldn't want to burden you any ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being open about it helps achieve both of your goals - give her the support she needs in the way that you can and strengthen the friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think anybody else could answer this for you. One way to figure it out is to feel your emotions as they are pretty good signals, e.g. What your female friend does that would make you feel stressed, tired, concerned, or angry, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T08:38:28.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14842" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14850" CreationDate="2018-05-23T09:05:26.767" Score="9" ViewCount="2056" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this workmate for almost 2-months now, who is an all-out person. I mean, she's not afraid to tell any of her feelings towards another person. Now, she told me she likes me. I told her, which I usually don't do because I'm an introvert, that I like her too but added to her that maybe I just got infatuated. Yesterday, we hanged out (her treat and I'm not used to it, I'm feelin like a beta) and made few talks about each other. We're both unfortunate with our past. She always tell me things I like to hear, like she's the person I'm hoping and wishing to be with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I really like to be in a relationship with her, but also don't want to for some few reasons. For sure my parents will not allow it if I insist. I like her but I don't want to let it go further. It will just hurt both of us.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I already told her before that I'm not yet into a serious relationship and I never told her anything that is sure about my feelings toward her. I just said that maybe this is just infatuation. She's not stopping despite of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So how can I be more assertive when telling her that a serious relationship is not an option?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want her to get hurt, but I need to end it now, I just don't know how. &lt;strong&gt;I would love to stay friends with her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you @Federico and @JonahBenton for the answers and everyone in the comment box. Here are the answers to the questions you guys left to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just for clarification, are the three sentences starting with &quot; For&#xA;  sure ..&quot; to &quot;.. hurt me and her.&quot; three separate reasons or or is it a&#xA;  sequence as in &quot;My parents will not allow it. Because of that I don't&#xA;  want to let it get further. I fear that this situation will both hurt&#xA;  me and her if it were to go further.&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, a sequence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Has she actually said that she wants a relationship with you, or are&#xA;  you just interpreting that from other things she said/did? If it's the&#xA;  latter, what things?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She didn't actually said that but by the way she told me things like &quot;&lt;em&gt;I love you. If you will have your own company soon, please hire me. Only me. And make me your wife. Blah blah blah&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and &quot;&lt;em&gt;What do you want? Just tell me, I'll give it to you. You know I'm willing to do these things, again, to you. I like you. (She means that she's willing to do again the good stuffs she had done with her ex)&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, I guess she wants to be in a relationship with me. Or maybe I'm just assuming?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;her treat and I'm not used to it, I'm feelin like a beta&quot;. What does&#xA;  the word beta refer to here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean beta, as someone who is more dependent in a relationship. She acts as the alpha and she likes to control me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you add a culture or location tag? There are many cultural and&#xA;  possibly legal issues to workplace romance that vary across cultures&#xA;  and countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hmm. That's a thing I don't like to disclose. We're both asian with religious parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here's what I did last night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I texted here because I have a confession and I want to talk about it personally but she insisted me to tell right now so I told her everything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her that I like her but to be in a relationship is a no. I told her my reason that it is because my parents. I told her what happened to me before to just emphasize my point, that what is happening between us will not work just like what happened to me before. She misinterpreted it at first but finally understand after some few chats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She accepted my rejection but said anyway that we can just let these feelings be felt. She said that she will still do things for me, things will never change tomorrow. And this &quot;tomorrow&quot; is now. A little awkward is present between us but her treatment is still the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I agreed with her, to just let these feelings to be felt but I keep remembering her that there's no future for us. Yes, it had hurt her last night but it's the best I can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18162" LastEditorUserId="9000" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T08:37:29.640" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T08:37:29.640" Title="How to tell a person who is interested in me that a relationship is not an option?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14109" CreationDate="2018-05-23T10:04:32.083" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regarding the people that ghosted me and their circles, I'm hoping to&#xA;  minimize the awkward tension. I'm not sure how to go about doing so.&#xA;  This is the question I'd like help with the most - how do I act on my&#xA;  end to achieve this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can best achieve it by simply treating them the same way you treat every other former classmate whom you haven't seen (or seen much of) in the last ten years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't seek or single them out. If you see them, greet them politely, ask after their lives if you care to or don't, and then continue speaking with whoever else you were talking to. If they approach you and things start to feel awkward or you get the feeling &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are feeling awkward but sticking around to save face or out of guilt, bring up a safe topic to put them at ease (&quot;So, what line of work are you in?&quot; &quot;Do you still follow team/band/comic series/whatever?&quot;) or make an excuse to leave their company (&quot;Excuse me, I see Alice and I wanted to catch up with her.&quot;) Do whichever will make &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel more comfortable. After all, if you are feeling awkward or tense, you'll hardly be in a position to minimize awkward tension.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was ill as a child and had many long absences from school. Friends I had made that I only really communicated with while at school would naturally move on to other friends in my absence. I understood this but sometimes they felt weird about it or expected that I would be upset or angry about it. If I encountered them afterwards, I politely acknowledged them in a way that also acknowledged that I knew them (&quot;Hey Alice, have you seen Jeff lately? I heard about his winning X. That's pretty cool.&quot;) but didn't bring up our growing apart. This usually put them at ease and then we both moved on with our separate lives and didn't have any awkwardness if we bumped into each other again. usually just shared a nod of acknowledgment and continued on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person I bumped into was a friend I'd have more contact with and had expected to pick back up with after a bout of absence, but didn't, I would usually just acknowledge them politely but make no move to continue a conversation. This usually clued them in that I wasn't looking to make a scene but really wasn't interested in talking to them. I never had anyone continue to try to talk to me after this reaction. They just politely acknowledged me as well and then moved along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this is a reunion and you went eight years without crossing paths with them before, the likelihood of you seeing them again probably isn't very high. I wouldn't expect any of them to go out of their way to try to bring up any awkward subjects, especially after how they reacted to seeing you two years ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6343" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T10:04:32.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-23T10:27:29.357" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Take a photo of their card on your phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You asked how to politely decline a card, this is the best I could think of that does that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they offer the card simply say the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks for the offer, but I always end up loosing cards and there's much&#xA;  important people than me to give these too. Here, let me take a&#xA;  picture of your contact details so I have them in case I want&#xA;  to get back to you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arguably one of the more British sentences I've written, it does the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explains you often lose cards so don't want to waste theirs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Self-deprecating humour to break the ice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tactfully says you'll get back to them &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; you want to. Might want to reword the last sentence depending on politeness.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'd take the card, but I take photos of them before throwing them away in case I ever need them again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7927" LastEditorUserId="6801" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T14:15:39.907" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T14:15:39.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-23T12:08:14.810" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hi Bob, I currently don't have the luxury of time to look at the issue right now as I am trying to get a high priority project done.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you'd write that way to your mother or father, would you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you would, would you write that way if you were writing a condolence letter (e.g. to a war widow)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The clearest example I've read, of different &lt;em&gt;tones&lt;/em&gt; in writing, is Ursula LeGuin's &lt;a href=&quot;https://serendip.brynmawr.edu/sci_cult/leguin/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Bryn Mawr Commencement Address (1986)&lt;/a&gt; -- I recommend that if only to see how much variety is possible -- and how to write in a way that seems familiar or close: rather than distant, and haughty, and trying to conceal emotions and long-term personal relationships and so on in favour of &quot;objective truth&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you didn't ask this (i.e. you only asked about &quot;tone&quot;), but the &lt;em&gt;content&lt;/em&gt; isn't especially helpful either: it reads as criticism (i.e. &quot;you're taking my time&quot;) but not as &lt;em&gt;constructive&lt;/em&gt; criticism (i.e. what should they do instead?) -- you've left the reader at an &lt;em&gt;impasse&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be more helpful to say something like, &quot;I'm afraid it would take me me about 8 hours to research this properly before answering -- if you want me to, could you please schedule this with my manager? Because I don't think I could find the time, otherwise.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastEditorUserId="9053" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T12:20:53.170" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T12:20:53.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-23T12:20:13.677" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are 100% right, what you are trying to avoid is nonsense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The risk to reward ratio of declining a business card is unequivocally terrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;long version&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take the card, say thank you, and put it away in your pocket or wallet or whatever for future disposal. Never dispose in their presence and don't put yourself in a situation where they can see it clearly in your garbage can so you should probably shred business cards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no polite way to decline a business card unless you are in the following scenarios:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Client asks &quot;Do you have my card?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You respond &quot;I believe so. I definitely know we have your info stored in our system.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Client may say &quot;Great.&quot; or they may say &quot;Well, take one anyways, I have tons.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say &quot;thank you&quot;, etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Client says &quot;Here's my card.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt; you've received one in the past with 100% certainty then &quot;I believe I already have one.&quot; is an Okay-ish response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The client could still be put off by this and think &quot;&lt;em&gt;Wow, it's a simple card, why do you remember such an insignificant detail, was our current or previous encounter so daunting?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T12:20:13.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14850" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14842" CreationDate="2018-05-23T13:04:04.937" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You do not specify where you are from, so parts of this answer might not be applicable, please let me know if it is so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will start with the part of the answer you are expecting, some alternative considerations are below&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I be more assertive when telling her that a serious relationship is not an option?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be clear, no fuzzyness, no vagueness: tell her clearly that you like spending time with her, but only as friends, nothing more. You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I already told her before that I'm not yet into a serious relationship and I never told her anything that is sure about my feelings toward her. I just said that maybe this is just infatuation. She's not stopping despite of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not clear, it is extremely open for changes and &quot;improvements&quot;. If she is interested in you she is clinging with all her might to the hope that you will &quot;come  around&quot; and admit you like her (I have done it for sure in similar situations, and I am pretty sure anyone would do, humans are good at hoping, in Italian we even say &quot;la speranza è l'ultima a morire&quot;, i.e. &quot;hope is the last thing that dies&quot;). (&lt;em&gt;EDIT: they tell me that in English is &quot;hope dies last/hope springs eternal&quot;&lt;/em&gt; Thank you Cashbee)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on her character (and partially yours), and on the exact details of your current relationship, it might be needed to not see each other for a while (I know I would need that). This does not mean that you have to completely cut any contact (but I have occasionally needed to go that far), and you can still communicate, but having clarity among yourselves, and having it as soon as possible, will help greatly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will now instead add some considerations  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Honestly, I really like to be in a relationship with her, but also don't want to for some few reasons. For sure my parents will not allow it if I insists. I like her but I don't want to let it go further. It will just hurt me and her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This raises a few questions for me, the most important being: what are your real feelings? Do you like her? Would you want to avoid the relationship mostly because of your parents? (and here comes the &quot;where you are from part&quot;, I understand that in certain cultures this is an obstacle almost impossible to overcome)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I would advise you to clarify this with yourself first, and if you think that in your culture the &quot;my parents will not allow it&quot; can be overcome (i.e., that sentence is a description of your parent's perceived, but not necessarily real, &quot;strictness&quot;). If it could be overcome, and that is the &quot;only&quot; obstacle standing in your way, it could be better for you to rethink your decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, depending on your relationship with your family, and your culture's value, you might be able to take into consideration an approach that worked for a few of my acquaintances (all westerners): you did not choose your family, you can cut ties with them. Yes, you might have a blood relationship, but nowhere is written that you have to obey their desires and suppress yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9000" LastEditorUserId="9000" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T13:11:54.903" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T13:11:54.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14842" CreationDate="2018-05-23T13:18:28.833" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like perhaps you have more introspection to do, since you say you would like to be in a relationship with her, despite there being reasons it can't work. This post doesn't say more about what that liking of her is about, but that is the part that is most important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try digging deeper into the part that would like a relationship, and in particular try visualizing or thinking about how you would feel if a) she stopped giving you the attention that you are currently enjoying and especially b) she was actively giving it to someone else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also try thinking about how the part of you that likes her would feel about her if you were not working together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is truth in there somewhere, and part of what the best relationships do is help us get to the truth, our truth. Find that emotional truth first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The post also mentions past difficulties. It may be that you are not in a place where you are comfortable or ready to find your truth right now. It is hard, hard to do. But saying that is also true- something like- &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really like you and I can see how you could be good for me but emotionally I am just not ready to go to those places right now. I am sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is truthfully felt and spoken, she likely will hear it. But keep in mind that in terms of being friends- what sounds like is happening now is that she is investing in you, giving you the energy that comes out of a close relationship. You have no right to ask for that from someone who is just a friend. You may have to decide between participating more in the emotional journey with her, or, seeing that energy leave you and get invested in someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that helps. Best wishes to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17248" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T13:18:28.833" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-23T13:42:00.710" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Aside from cultural norms as alluded to in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14823/3171&quot;&gt;an earlier answer&lt;/a&gt;, there are two main reasons people hand out their business card:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;So you have their contact information&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;So you remember them personally&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you're focusing on the first, but the second can be just as important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is true especially for the sales reps you encounter. They're trying to not only get you to buy their company's product, but also buy their company's product &lt;em&gt;from them&lt;/em&gt;. Thus, the business card is so that if you think &quot;Oh man, I could really use some widgets!&quot; you don't contact &lt;code&gt;general-sales@widgets.com&lt;/code&gt;, but you go straight to &lt;code&gt;joe.salesman@widgets.com&lt;/code&gt; instead, and he gets the commission. Joe Salesman knows that personal rapport with the customer makes a sale and repeat business more likely, and the business card exchange is a step towards that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you already have a database of contacts, this addresses point #1 - the card isn't necessary to get their contact information. However, you still need to address the other and demonstrate that you will remember them if you ever need to do business with them in the future (however unlikely you think it may be!). I've found an effective way to do this is to say something with a personal touch based on your conversation, to signal that were paying attention. For new contacts, it can be as simple as reiterating their name as if you're actively memorizing it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks but no need for the card, my company actually has your info already (smile). Joe Salesman, right? I'll be sure to call you up if I ever need some widgets! Great meeting you! &lt;em&gt;(exit stage right)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This reassures the person that you are likely to remember meeting them in the future, without needing a card to remind you. You could also offer alternatives such as taking a photo or suggesting they send you an email instead, so they are even more assured that you have their information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option you could try is to include a socially acceptable excuse placing the &quot;blame&quot; on you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I always lose these things, but I know we have your info in the system if I need to look it up!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However, only try declining &lt;em&gt;once&lt;/em&gt; and if they insist, take it!&lt;/strong&gt; You can always dispose of it discreetly later on. This is just one of those social niceties -- you don't think everyone that you give a card to keeps it forever, right? It's still polite to accept things when offered and this is so little burden on you that it's not worth causing an awkward situation over, especially in a professional setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;This answer is summarizing my corporate experiences and training about professional behavior, as well as anecdotes from a family member in sales. For further reading, &lt;a href=&quot;https://lifehacker.com/why-business-cards-still-matter-and-how-to-effectively-1651222760&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.quora.com/Do-we-still-need-business-cards-Why-or-why-not&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;these Quora answers&lt;/a&gt; elaborate on some benefits of business cards, namely:&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&#xA;- A business card leaves a stronger and more personal impression than simply looking up someone's details&lt;br&gt;&#xA;- Cards are a physical reminder of the person, so if you promise to follow up and later forget, there's a better chance you'll remember when you see the card again&#xA;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;which helps to explain the other person's motivations for handing one to you.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T13:42:00.710" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14854" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14855" CreationDate="2018-05-23T13:46:34.727" Score="5" ViewCount="1208" Body="&lt;p&gt;I took part in a 10 day road trip across several European countries, with a group of friends and acquaintances. We traveled with several cars, and were sharing the fuel costs. I took part several times with mostly the same group (we organize it every year), and this was the first time I was the driver, and used my private car. I had three others riding in my car with me. They were more like acquaintances or distant friends, not my closest friends. I had much closer friends in the whole group, but they were driving their own (full) cars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Half a day and a few hundred km after the start my car broke down in such a way it needed several days of repairs. I left it at a service station, continued the trip with a rental car, and we picked my repaired car up on our way back. (note that my car was not in a bad shape at all, so this event was totally unexpected)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, that rental was really expensive. We didn't have many options to choose from on a Friday afternoon, and the cars were all high-end models with large daily rates. None of us knew anyone in the vicinity to borrow a car from, so this was the only solution to continue our journey. It's important to note that the accommodations were already payed for, which was not a negligible sum either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Near the end of the trip, one of my three passengers volunteered to pay 1/4 of the rental costs, saying that it was nice from me to continue the journey (As I could have just returned home with public transport but didn't), and it would be fair for all in my car to contribute, and that I already had to pay a lot for the repairs anyway. The other two, however, took everything for granted, and didn't contribute anything. Their point was, that I agreed to take them with me if they pay for their ratio of the fuel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to handle such problems? I took part in many similar trips, and we never faced any expensive difficulties. We also never made official contracts, it's just matter-of-course that for very short trips in and around our town we don't handle any finances, and for long trips we share the fuel costs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talking about exact monetary contracts in case of accidents and other unforeseen events might seem awkward in a casual setting. Would it really be normal to show up before the trip with a long list of possible but highly unlikely scenarios and debate which costs should be shared and which shouldn't, and then when it happens, argue and rules-lawyer about which category it really belongs to?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Just dropping them off then and there, and letting them find a bus or train home (while making them lose a lot of money for the already payed-for overnight stays, event tickets, etc.) would have been rude and unfair in my opinion, and it would have driven my costs even higher, with less people to share the fuel costs with. Just cancelling the trip might have been somewhat less rude in my opinion, but I didn't want to cancel it for myself.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dilemmas above made me ask this question here instead of at money.se.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3081" LastEditorUserId="3081" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T14:07:46.477" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T15:07:20.633" Title="How to handle unexpected expenses during a road trip?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14854" CreationDate="2018-05-23T14:00:53.080" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are friends with these people, before even committing to a rental car, simply ask them: &lt;em&gt;&quot;We need to either rent a car or abort the whole trip. Can we agree on splitting the cost if we go for the rent option?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you and your friends are splitting petrol costs, &lt;strong&gt;you still have a significant risk in this road trip by providing your own car&lt;/strong&gt;. You are doing them a favour and should not bear the entire financial burden if the worst should happen. Think of it like this; if you decided to continue the trip by train, would you be obligated to pay for everyone's tickets? You say that it would be 'unfair', but assuming your passengers are all grown-ups, they should at least be aware of the risks involved in taking such a long trip, including the risk of being stranded somewhere. It should not be seen as unreasonable to expect your friends to pitch in for the rental car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are concerned about it happening again, have a chat with your passengers well in advance of the next trip. Agree among yourselves that if the worst should happen, that everyone has an &lt;em&gt;affordable&lt;/em&gt; Plan B to either continue the trip or get back home. A long meticulous list won't be necessary. It's not being stingy on your part, it's just sensible forward planning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T14:00:53.080" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14856" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-23T14:12:50.033" Score="0" ViewCount="280" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a reunion party that has been organized by my High School friends. Let's say, it's on 10th of June. They expect almost everyone to be present since it's the first reunion that we have had. But, I wouldn't be able to attend it due to reasons being that I am fully occupied that day, as by day, I have to go to a training place(which is optional, for the record) and by night I have to travel to another city for some work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To Clarify, I did tell them I couldn't attend but they keep pestering me saying I could skip the optional training to attend since it's the first reunion.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;So, how do I communicate effectively to my friends that I won't be able to attend this event?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10072" LastEditorUserId="10072" LastEditDate="2018-05-23T14:18:15.597" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T18:40:52.720" Title="How do I effectively convey my inability to attend an event?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14856" CreationDate="2018-05-23T14:37:13.477" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;What's important here are two things: your willingness/availability to attend the reunion, and the willingness of others to accept your non-attendance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do precious little about the second, and have already made your decision regarding the first.  Now the challenge is to convey the first item in a way that helps with the second.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that the &lt;strong&gt;reason&lt;/strong&gt; you are unavailable is irrelevant and talking about it only encourages argument.  So it's time to quit saying, &quot;I can't make it because I have...&quot; and time to start saying, &quot;I'm sorry, but I'm not available and won't be there.&quot;  &quot;Why not?&quot;  &quot;It doesn't matter; I won't be there.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it.  You're not available.  The reason is irrelevant - you can't come. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, for the people who won't accept your lack of availability or are overly insistent on your attending, I'd say something like, &quot;Thanks for asking.  I understand it's important to you but I can't make it.  Please don't keep asking; that won't change that I cannot make it.&quot;   And if people try to &quot;help&quot; you by saying &quot;change your plans&quot; or &quot;come on, don't you want to...&quot;, I'd respond a little more forcefully: &quot;I've already said I won't be there and I'm going to ask you to stop and to accept that I will not be there.  This is getting tiresome.  Thanks.&quot;  Keep in mind that the badgering will continue until people discover one of two things: you will be there, or it won't work.  So it's important for you to help them arrive at one of those two and quickly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T14:37:13.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14856" CreationDate="2018-05-23T14:40:11.613" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have done just about all you could. You gave them a fair reason to why you cannot attend. Any further pestering on their part is now out of ignorance or rudeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A further idea would be to emphasise just how important this course is to you and your career, even if it is optional. &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm happy that you really want me there, but in the long run I stand to benefit a lot more from this training course than I do a high school reunion. I've already committed to this course, signed up etc. and it will not go down well with my superiors if I back out now.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's up to you now to stay assertive and not succumb to what sounds like peer pressure. Eventually you may just have to give them the ultimatum; the more they talk about it, the less likely you are to go (even if you never wanted to go anyway).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T14:40:11.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-23T15:15:23.753" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your response does come off as condescending, mostly because it gives off a &quot;stop bothering me I don't have time for this&quot; kind of vibe which may well be how you were feeling at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easy to let that creep into your communications even if you don't mean it that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you need to fluff it up or baby the person who emailed you; but you can leave out how you feel and respond factually:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm tied up working on X, if this is urgent please let my boss&#xA;  know, otherwise I'll get to it soon as I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short, sweet, factual, neutral, and non condescending.&#xA;The key is to catch how you are feeling at the time and leave out any inkling of it, or any assumptions about their issue. Focus purely on when you can address it and nothing more - after all, this is all they really want to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also gives your boss the option to make a call on priorities, since there's always the chance that this is more important than what you're working on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4709" LastEditorUserId="4709" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T15:47:05.577" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T15:47:05.577" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-23T15:16:23.547" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, if you want to keep working there, you have a real issue.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If your manager has spoken to you twice about being perceived as rude to coworkers you have a problem, a big one, bigger than your technical problem. The problem isn't how others are interpreting your tone, the problem is with what you're writing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the other answers already posted are true and have good points. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are two I will emphasize:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Being right/logical isn't an excuse for your tone.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;To put it bluntly: you are beginning to make your manager look bad at his/her job.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your attitude actually did come through on the email... accurately.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;What you &lt;em&gt;actually thought&lt;/em&gt;, but didn't intend to write, &lt;em&gt;came through&lt;/em&gt; to that person.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Good news is - you aren't as bad at this as you thought (not sarcasm).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The next time you have to write an email to someone you are annoyed with, hit reply, blank out the To and CC boxes, then write the email.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Save it as a draft and put something on your calendar to look at it an hour later.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you calm down, reread it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you are not happy with it rewrite it. Repeat in an hour.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you are happy with it - print it out and take it to your boss. Say, something like, &quot;I know I've previously had issues with my tone in emails. Can you look at this real quick and see if I have done better?&quot;  Don't get defensive about what s/he says - you want to make this about an opportunity for you to learn - be teachable!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been where you are.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You are &lt;strong&gt;possibly&lt;/strong&gt; in much bigger trouble than you realize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was getting a lot of pressure ... while also holding some benefits&#xA;  hostage based on [the project's] completion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what that means unless they're saying you can't take PTO until you're done.  Either way, sounds like a good separate question for workplace.SE&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HTH&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9927" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T15:16:23.547" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14854" CreationDate="2018-05-23T15:19:26.147" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you can phrase the shared costs as sharing &quot;&lt;strong&gt;road trip expenses&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; &lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt; instead of just participating in fuel. It will be more general, and if something like that happens - it ideally covers it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why only ideally? Because people can still argue about it, and it will be a matter of how much you're willing to argue/fight about it - this situation is much more difficult with friends, since you probably don't want to risk losing them. But on the other hand, I believe that with friends it will be more easy to settle it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a case like yours, when there was no talk about unexpected things and if they don't want to contribute, you can tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know this is not what we agreed, but it was a big unexpected expense for me, and I would really appreciate it if you could contribute as you can/feel to help me with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't think they're over sensitive about it, you can also add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Because it might sound passive-aggressive (maybe that's what you'd want).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't want it to affect the continuing of road trip, so I didn't offer to cancel the trip or demand everyone's contribution as a condition[, but it's a real burden on me, and I'd like to lighten it a bit, with your help].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;About the part in brackets &lt;code&gt;[]&lt;/code&gt; it really depends on how you feel and your relation with those people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt; You can state that it's for fuel and unexpected things, for example flat tire.&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;If you see they are troubled about it, you can add that of course that if it's something &quot;regular&quot; or something that has to do with periodical care for the car - it's on you. So they won't get the filling that you might &quot;throw&quot; on them your car problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13736" LastEditorUserId="13736" LastEditDate="2018-05-28T15:07:20.633" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T15:07:20.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14797" CreationDate="2018-05-23T17:42:41.703" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You're misunderstanding your role.&lt;/strong&gt; No one expects you to already be competent at what you're being taught: that's why you're being taught. They expect you to be a good student, and that means you need to ask questions.  Asking pertinent questions makes you look interested in what you're supposed to be doing and shows the instructor that you're learning. And more, asking questions now means you'll be able to impress after you're trained, and you can show that you actually do know what you're doing.  Your current practice of sitting through training, asking no questions, and demonstrating later that you had no clue what you were trained on is what makes you look incompetent.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask questions and ask for the trainer to customize lessons to your needs.&lt;/strong&gt; I'd recommend asking to control the mouse while he talks you through the tasks. Something like &quot;Hey, do you mind if I drive/control the computer while you talk me through it? I learn better by doing than just watching.&quot; That way, you control the pace and he can see where you're struggling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the least, you need to bring up when you miss things.  &quot;Hey, could you go over that again slower? I missed it the first time.&quot; Ask any other questions as well, such as why you're doing something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if you're going through a task that you thought you understood, and it turns out you don't, ask a question as soon as possible. Spending 10 minutes trying to figure out where you're going wrong is usually fine. Spending an hour is way too much (there are exceptions, but not if you're just learning rote tasks).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your prior acquaintance with the person training you should make no difference in this. His job right now is to train you, and if you fail to learn, that reflects badly on both on you. And don't worry about others hearing you ask questions. They already know you're new and they expect you to ask questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2465" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T17:42:41.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14863" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14876" CreationDate="2018-05-23T18:01:22.853" Score="-5" ViewCount="803" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was waiting in line behind some teenagers at a government office that had a counter, when a man walked in man and waited to its right. &#xA; As soon as the current customer left the counter, he dashed to it. The teenagers didn't speak up. So I blurted:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think I was here first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He replied angrily:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How am I supposed to know you were in line? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't believe him, but said nothing as he withdrew from the counter. But he glowered at me until I left.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;How can I convey to him that I was in line, without offending him?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T13:41:21.297" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T13:41:21.297" Title="How do I tell line jumpers that I was waiting in line?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;queueing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-06-25T05:44:05.300" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14856" CreationDate="2018-05-23T18:40:52.720" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I did tell them I couldn't attend but they keep pestering me saying I&#xA;  could skip the optional training to attend since it's the first&#xA;  reunion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, now you've learned your lesson.  Don't divulge details like that.  You should have left it at &quot;I'm sorry, but I can't make it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, your friends are being jerks, and there really isn't a response you can make to make them not feel like they have the right to be jerks.  They have no right to harass you about not going to this event.  You are under no obligation at all to make them accept your reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T18:40:52.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-23T19:54:14.687" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've gotten responses of relief and laughter from most of the people whose cards I've refused. All the business cards I've been offered in the last several years have been at meetings where a calendar invite system was used and therefore everyone who is at the meeting has their contact information attached to the calendar entry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I simply tell people,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I already have your contact information in the meeting in Outlook. [Pull out my smart phone and open up the entry] Your e-mail address is &lt;em&gt;person@company.com&lt;/em&gt;, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people insist I take a card and I generally give in at that point and recycle the card once they leave. Others are happy that I won't take one of their last cards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It probably also helps that I have not had business cards printed for me in years, so I never have one to trade. As an IT person, it has become part of my image to have command over contact information in the digital world and eschew business cards that seem hopelessly dated to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Caveat: I am not now nor have I ever been in a position in any way related to sales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5904" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T19:54:14.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14872" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-23T21:34:11.623" Score="8" ViewCount="1703" Body="&lt;p&gt;Over the last few months I have become closer with a friend from class. She seems to have really latched onto me and considers me a close friend of hers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm an introvert and don't make strong bonds easily; I tend to be selective of the people I consider friends. She's an extrovert and is always chatty and sociable, however, she does not seem to have many &quot;friends&quot; as in people who would consider &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; to be their friend as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've hung out a couple times the last few months and had a class together where we worked on a couple projects together. During this time, I can see why she doesn't have many friends. She tries too hard. She forces herself into conversations and can have an off-putting personality, although she means well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since we seemed to form a bond, something I don't do often, I tried to overlook these personality quirks and get to know her better but over the course of the semester, she took some actions and shared some thoughts that I don't agree with morally or ethically and a particular action (not against me but a comment made to a teacher) has made me pretty upset and angry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has been turning to me for support and to vent. In the past I've helped without issue but due to her past actions and her neediness, I wish to no longer be friends and would like to amicably end the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are no longer in class and we have both graduated so we will not be seeing each other regularly like we were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, I am working on not responding promptly and happen to be &quot;busy&quot; when she wants to hang out. This is fine but I feel slightly dishonest since I am still kind of pretending to be her friend and am &quot;leading&quot; her on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I amicably end a friendship with a needy friend?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like it to amicable because she's a nice girl so I'd prefer to not be rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am open to being direct about not wanting to continue a friendship so wording on how to approach that would be acceptable. I think she needs to do some self-reflection and understand why she is scared to be alone (she refuses to do anything socially by herself. I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; show up with her). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T15:45:22.453" Title="How can I amicably end a friendship with a needy friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14863" CreationDate="2018-05-23T22:10:54.003" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be direct but firm, while also giving him a way out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, but there is a line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps he simply didn't notice the line and reacted poorly to your confrontation. By using this line&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;, you give him a chance to apologize and move to the back of the queue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the issues with the way you reacted was that it was directly accusatory and focused solely on yourself. If I were in his situation, it would make me immediately defensive. By simply pointing out there's a line, it's no longer a you vs. him issue, but him vs. everyone in line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. Ha!&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T22:10:54.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14875" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-23T22:27:12.313" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the key principle you need: &lt;strong&gt;Focus on OTHERS.  Good communication is optimized to the audience.  Not the author.&lt;/strong&gt;  Just like readability is super important in source code when it comes to software.  If you focus on others, you will naturally adapt your communication to them.  (If you focus on others, your code will be simplified, too.  I'm taking a guess - but I bet most juniors can't understand your code.) As needed, simplicity will be a by-product by focusing on others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's analyze this sentence:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just try to layout the information as concise as I can while being informative and cutting out the fluff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Isn't &quot;try&quot; implied?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I layout the information as concise as I can while being informative and cutting out the fluff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;as I can&quot; is redundant if you're saying &quot;try&quot;.  And, like try, it's unneeded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I layout the information concisely while being informative and cutting out the fluff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say &quot;I am concise&quot; isn't &quot;laying out information concisely&quot; implied?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am concise while being informative and cutting out the fluff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already said concise.  Why are you saying you cut out the fluff?  Redundant.  It's almost as if you are giving the definition of a word in the same sentence as the word, potentially implying people don't know the definition.  People might be insulted by that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am concise while being informative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can shorten that further without sacrificing meaning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am concise and informative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now, to add a touch of style:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am informative, yet concise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that was just one sentence.  Your communication can be simplified.  &lt;strong&gt;I suspect your verbosity is perceived as condescension.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this felt condescending.  That way you understand what this writing style feels like.  Ironically I'm not trying to be.  I don't feel any judgment toward you.  In fact, my own tendency is to write like this.  However, I changed.  So you can you.  I could dig in a lot more to what you said, but I'll stop here.  (I've learned to not say too many points at once.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note - be careful what you tell yourself: You told yourself you were concise and thus missed your verbosity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastEditorDisplayName="user16858" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T03:39:38.500" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T03:39:38.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14863" CreationDate="2018-05-23T22:50:44.197" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the future, it's best to address such situations as soon as you notice the potential line cutter, rather than waiting until they cut. &lt;strong&gt;Once you notice a person who looks like they are waiting, direct them to the line.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't have to be accusatory: you can phrase it as if you are being helpful by pointing out the correct place to line up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Excuse me, are you waiting?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; Yes&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Ah, we're queuing up over here. (&quot;this is the line&quot;, etc., whatever sounds natural to you)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen this strategy in action (occasionally directed at myself, when I went to an unfamiliar shop or office) and it was always received as a polite correction. Even if there is some grumbling about the lack of signage or how long the line is, this way frames the person in line as just a helpful messenger about correct protocol, so there is no reason to get angry at them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is better than waiting until he dashes to the desk, because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He doesn't get his hopes up. In this case, the reaction could be stronger because he was standing there thinking the whole time that he would get served immediately and now has to wait, causing disappointment. Telling him earlier means less time he spends having the wrong expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's a busy place, more people may have lined up behind you while he waited in the wrong spot, and now he has to wait longer than he would have if you'd just told him when he first came in. This would &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; annoy me, if I knew you'd seen me lining up in the wrong spot and didn't say anything, thereby causing me to have an even longer wait than if you had.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, there are always a few irrational people who will get angry regardless, because they are frustrated by waiting and want a target to vent their frustration towards - but you can't prevent that, simply remain polite and do not escalate, like you did here by not responding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-05-23T22:50:44.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14877" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14882" CreationDate="2018-05-24T00:38:18.240" Score="43" ViewCount="7979" Body="&lt;p&gt;My husband has moderate dementia.  The exact cause has been variously diagnosed, but it is probably not Alzheimer's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't broadcast the fact, but, of course my friends and some of my closer acquaintances know, and the therapists.  I am constantly getting unhelpful advice, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You must make time for yourself. You can't be there 24/7.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I found a support group enormously helpful when I had X. You need a&#xA;  support group.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The county has programs that can help.  Click on [website]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This advice is unhelpful because &lt;strong&gt;of course&lt;/strong&gt; I know I need time for myself (I am not an idiot); (2) I am not a groupie sort of person and I do not want even more of my time consumed by this illness; (3) county programs have income cutoffs, which make me ineligible, as anyone who knows me ought to know.  And the unhelpful advice becomes tiresome when it comes for the nth time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is more that is unhelpful (safety is the number one priority; you can deduct medical expenses), and questions about the stage (does he know where he is?) really betray ignorance.  (If he didn't know where he is, why would he be at home?)    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I civilly cut off discussion of these obvious points and convey what would really would be useful, which is (a) stimulating conversation about anything else but and (b) an occasional casserole because as everyone knows, I loathe cooking?   Or is (b) really out of line? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarification in Response to thought-provoking Comment of @Jesse:  I don't want to discuss the subject unless I want to discuss the subject.  That is, let me make the opening, and then ask me what is bothering me the most. Then proceed from there.                   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastEditorDisplayName="user1760" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T02:57:11.717" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T07:02:20.307" Title="Dementia: How to cut off useless advice to a caregiver from well meaning people?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;illness&gt;&lt;elderly&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-24T00:41:51.830" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Think of it this way: you aren't accepting a business card, you're accepting a gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A printed business card costs what? Ten cents?  Twenty?  If you're talking to a professional that's charging $60/hr that's about 6 seconds worth of their time.  If it takes you more than that much time to refuse the card, you're actually wasting their resources, not saving them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what does the gesture mean?  It's an invitation to call them when you need help.  Maybe it means something more, maybe not.  But if the act of engaging in the ritual of taking the card plus your company's electronic database handles all of the implications of the gesture, then the piece of paper itself is worth almost nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can guarantee you 100% without a shred of doubt that if you call on one of these vendors or customers using numbers pulled from your electronic database, not a single one of them is going to care that you used the database rather than their piece of paper.  None of them will consider that dishonest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Accept the gesture.  Don't sweat the card.  If you feel bad about being wasteful accepting a few business cards at an event that you didn't need, you can always serve penance by handing a homeless person some loose change. If you get a lot (like 20 or more), consider giving the homeless person $5 to make sure the karma all balances out =)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T00:41:51.830" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-24T00:59:34.383" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are overthinking this. Take the card, and read it (not aloud!) in the presence of the person who gave it to you.  Smile and say &lt;em&gt;Thanks&lt;/em&gt;.  When you get home, put the ones you don't want in the circular file and the ones you want to keep in a Rolodex or whatever has take the place of a Rolodex.  I did this for decades, and never got embarrassed.  Do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; refuse a card: the cost/benefit ratio of doing so as a habit is very, very large if you offend even one person likely to be important to you (cost large, benefit close to zero.)    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T00:59:34.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14877" CreationDate="2018-05-24T01:51:41.943" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a somewhat similar experience... Not one to one, but similar. My mom was hit pretty young with early onset Alzheimers/dementia. It's still a very cringe worthy experience when people I barely know ask about her condition. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's usually well meaning people who my mom used to serve/work with in her church. She was a clergy person, so she touched a lot of lives and most people remember her fondly. Knowing that they mean well, I try really hard to give them the grace my mom used to give them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they ask how my mom is doing, more often than not I respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;About the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is simultaneously true and hard... It's been a slow steady decline for several years. More often than not her condition hasn't meaningfully changed since the last time they asked. And if we're being realistic, most people would rather not hear the hard stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that I usually just take the initiative to change the subject. People are often a little too eager to navigate away from such a delicate and obviously painful subject, they just trip over their own feet and don't know how to segue from something like that. So, I do it for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Anyway... How are the kids doing? The little one has grown so much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking people about their kids/grandkids is just an example. Pretty much any light safe topic will do. People like to talk about their kids, so it works well enough, and people usually have some story that'll move things along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's often easier to cut the conversation short before the peanut gallery even has a chance to chime in with their well meaning, but not terribly helpful advice. If you redirect early they don't have the opportunity to put their foot in their mouth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the above works well for most friends and acquaintances, close family can be a different story. One of the hardest parts about looking after my mom was all of the &lt;em&gt;input&lt;/em&gt; from the family... Everyone had an opinion. Everyone had to tell me about their opinion at great length.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually the frustrating part was that they had a lot of &lt;em&gt;input&lt;/em&gt;, but didn't seem to realize that words weren't exactly helpful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were a few occasions were I just had to be blunt about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you want to help, then get in the game and help. If you just want to comment from the sidelines, I have more important things to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which leads us to the next bit...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as the casserole thing goes... Sure. Go for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the most common sympathetic nonsense things that people tend to say is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If there's anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in the &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/IZGoeHhDyBs&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;immortal words of George Carlin:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He wants to help? F*** 'em, call his bluff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T15:13:32.563" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T15:13:32.563" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14877" CreationDate="2018-05-24T01:53:44.323" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recommend being explicit: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you so much for your concern and support, but honestly I've got a handle on things, as much as anyone can. I'll [X]/I'm already [X]/I've already [X], and we're doing as well as can be expected. I'd much rather talk about [Y].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where X is &quot;make time for myself&quot;, &quot;look into support groups&quot;, etc. You don't need to explain yourself or your reasoning, and these are gentle deflections which indicate the general value of the advice (even if it's not at all new to you) as well as the fact that you don't really need it right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last sentence clearly communicates your desire to change the subject, and potentially suggests a new topic (if Y is a specific topic, but it can also just be &quot;something else&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People often want to be supportive but don't know how, either in general or in a specific case, and they may want to specifically avoid being callous. They feel like they're expected to say something and so they offer the best they can come up with, which tends to be generic and shallow because that's about as much as they know about the situation. Telling them what you need most (that you might expect them to actually do) takes a lot of pressure off of them, and validating their intentions makes it easier to disengage without them feeling rebuffed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personal experience citation: I spent just under six years as a financial counselor at a hospital, and worked with a lot of people in this situation and similar ones. I've seen and given lots of advice on this topic, and also seen how it was received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T18:48:21.383" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T18:48:21.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14877" CreationDate="2018-05-24T02:08:30.503" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have hit the nail on the head that these are well-meaning people.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question has the beginning of your answer.  With someone reasonably close to you, the next time that someone says something unhelpful, I'd respond with, &quot;Thanks for the advice/for asking.  You know what?  I realize you want to help, but I've heard that from a ton of people already.  You know what would really help?  I'd love to just sit here with you for 5 minutes and have a chat about &lt;strong&gt;anything&lt;/strong&gt; else.  That right now would mean more to me than anything else that someone could do for me.&quot;  Now you're expressing your frustration kindly but also giving someone the opportunity to really do something helpful for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With strangers or casual acquaintances, it's important to still be civil.  There I'd respond with, &quot;Thanks; I'm aware of that already.&quot;  Don't explain anything, don't go into detail why it's bad advice, just cut it off quickly.  Remember, they mean well and want to help.  Merely acknowledge it and accept that people want to try to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll get the occasional well-intentioned but still overbearing person that won't stop.  That person should get a quick, &quot;Thanks for the suggestions and questions; this is all a repeat to me and I'm just tired of it.  Please stop trying to help.  This is hard enough already.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With really close friends, I'd even go into the third step you mention.  If they mention programs, self-care, etc., I'd respond with, &quot;You know what I'd really love?  I'd love it if we could get together here for dinner some night.  Maybe we could have a pot-luck?  I'd welcome the opportunity to eat something other than my cooking for an evening and spend time with friends.&quot;  I suspect that your friends may not know that you'd appreciate a casserole showing up, and pot luck would plant the seed that you don't like to cook and would like a change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a best friend, I'd even suggest getting together with her and laying this all out.  A true friend will listen and may even do something about this, whether it's cooking dinner or just getting together at your place to watch TV or play cards.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is to have your friends realize what you need.  If you haven't expressed to them what would help you and are disappointed that they're not doing what you need, you're expecting them to read minds.  That's not fair to them and, more importantly, not effective for you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T02:08:30.503" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14884" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14872" CreationDate="2018-05-24T04:10:42.050" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Quitting without effort would be to refuse hanging out some more until she gets bored. This is less effort for you and requires no explanation.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Wanting to explain is brave - but I don't know if this can really work amicably. This is a matter of personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think she needs to do some self-reflection&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prepare for the situations that are the reason you want to end this friendship. Your reaction should ask her what's up, why she acts or thinks like she does and show her you are not happy with that situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;venting&quot; could be a good thing to reflect because it may be disruptive to other people too, not only you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know situations when someone only wants to tell about something he/she doesn't like but becomes angry and appears agressive (without noticing) so I feel uncomfortable to just listen. I then say something like &quot;hey calm down, I am not guilty&quot;, &quot;I'm starting to feel guilty now - was it me? No, huh?&quot; which helps to at least get a break and sometimes makes the other person feel they are over the top.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If arguments come like &quot;but I just wanted to say&quot; it's a good moment to respond &quot;I know - but your yelling ist far from just saying...&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(just examples - adapt this to you and her)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she refuses to do anything socially by herself. I have show up with her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand if someone doesn't like to do things alone. So this may be no special lack of social skills and shouldn't be part of your explanation. (seen from my view...)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you explain yourself don't bring up everything that comes to your mind. You want to appear credible so only bring up the most important things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T04:10:42.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14885" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14890" CreationDate="2018-05-24T05:09:06.643" Score="2" ViewCount="2641" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Premise&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not feel good whenever I have strained a friendship, or any interpersonal relationship, and can find no recourse to mend the friction. The main reason being (and it is admitedly selfish), I want the most recent memory of me in someone else to be a positive one not a negative one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One such example was this person I was in a religious club with for four years.  The majority of our interactions were within this club.  She was a very good logistical manager and was generally positive to people, even if it meant overlooking other issues that were always blaringly obvious to me.  I was on setup crew.  I was (and still have vestiges of), for lack of a better term, a nit picky prick and always aimed to ensure things were done well.  I manifested this abrasive behavior in the form of &lt;code&gt;is this taken care of?&lt;/code&gt;  &lt;code&gt;do you have this down?&lt;/code&gt; and asking relatively ancillary questions which (as I understand now) would drive many people insane. It almost seemed like she was starting to develop a shield around me, as we it almost became impossible to carry on a conversation outside of the club. Another factor was that before my current girlfriend, I had a crush on her was relatively forward about asking for a  coffee date, and posted on a &quot;crushes&quot; page (which was meant to be a joke page) about her. She then rejected me over FB messenger (unrelated, but more details don't necessarily hurt) and completely ceased communication outside of the context of the club. Throughout the whole four years I was still very focused on logistical details of the club and (maybe because of projecting stress on to &quot;whoever is in charge&quot;) the abrasive behavior continued.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every now and then she comes back for several events in which the club is gathered, the most recent of which was College Graduation. The whole &quot;invisible wall&quot; thing is still present and I can't even get a hi response. She went up and said hi and hugged a friend (who was also my friend) right next to me, but then treated me as if I didn't exist. In the grand scheme of things the whole matter probably doesn't mean much, but I personally don't like &quot;leaving a bad taste in someone else's mouth&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My main goal is to relieve her of the negative feelings she has when we meet. We don't really need to become friends, Just no longer &quot;enemies&quot;.&#xA;I'm looking for a way to convey to her that she no longer needs to put up a barrier between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11821" LastEditorUserId="12054" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T10:00:04.817" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T23:41:04.127" Title="How to mend relations with someone I realize I have been mean to for four years?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14886" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14889" CreationDate="2018-05-24T07:35:55.460" Score="12" ViewCount="3629" Body="&lt;p&gt;South girls from India are conservative compared to north and I am a conservative girl. I feel very uncomfortable if any guy(male) touches me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One guy from my batch usually stays with north girls, who allows touching. So, he is habituated to touch girls. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He uses to display same kind of behaviour with me and hence I warned him personally and friendly not to do that. But, since it is his habit, he is still doing that and I cannot warn him every time he touches me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; that there is no option other than not talking with him by avoiding him intentionally. Either I can warn him in public or I can scold him, which I feel rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to handle him in polite manner so that he will not touch me again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18202" LastEditorUserId="18202" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T08:07:57.133" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T21:38:25.650" Title="How to handle the person touching repeatedly after multiple warnings?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14885" CreationDate="2018-05-24T07:45:16.360" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that the most honest thing from your side, would be to try and ask her&lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt; if you can appoligize (it's kind of what I understand you'd like to do) for your nitty/abrasive behavior in the past four years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that this understanding just fall on you recently, and I think it would be a nice approach to come and share it from a place that you know you misbehaved, you regret it, and you understand you were not nice to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The following is an example, but only if you REALLY mean that, and you regret your behavior and want to fix it. If it's purely from a selfish point, and you don't care about her feelings or how you behaved - it will probably be noticed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey XXX, I was recently thinking about myself here in the club, and my behavior towards you and people I worked with, and understood I wasn't fair. I should've been so pushing, and I'm sure that I could get the same results with a better attitude that would make the working environment more pleasent.&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  I'm sorry that so much fell on you, you didn't deserve it and it has nothing to do with you.&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;  I really hope we will be able mend our relationship, or at least not to be strangers, I'll do my best to make it happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing, if you think you misbehaved to others as well (even if you care less about them) - it will be good to also talk to them. It will also show that your intents are from a good place and that you apologize and want to clear and mend your relationships in the club, or in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: If I misunderstood your intentions and thoughts, or you're going to keep acting the same way (even if towards other people in the same place) - it worth nothing, and I don't think there's much you can do. Maybe only to try and explain that this is how you're as a person, and it's not aimed to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt; You could do it in one of the times she arrives, or message her about your intent and wish - what you think would be more comfortable. I personally prefer the face to face method - even if that means that it couldn't happen at the exact moment (e.g she'll give you an OK for a talk, but not today because she has plans).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13736" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T07:45:16.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14886" CreationDate="2018-05-24T07:48:09.067" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say you have given him multiple warnings already. Even if it is his habit to touch girls in general, a second warning should have been enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Handling it in a polite way is warning him in private, which you have already done and does not seem to help. Giving him a warning in public shows him that you are serious and that there will be consequences if he continues to harass you. How far you have to escalate depends on weather your 'public warning' does have an effect on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, it's your body he's touching. Letting him go on with his disrespectful behaviour just because you don't want to create an uncomfortable situation for him is the reason why he can keep doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2848" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T07:48:09.067" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14885" CreationDate="2018-05-24T08:02:17.283" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;By respecting the boundaries they have set.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your description of &lt;em&gt;&quot;an invisible wall&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&quot;developing a shield around you&quot;&lt;/em&gt; sounds to me as if you are clearly describing &lt;strong&gt;boundaries&lt;/strong&gt; she was setting with you. A typical cause for why these boundaries have become so strict that I think applies here would be that your actions violated their personal priorities/comfort zone so they set a boundary, and then repeated failure to notice and subsequent breaching of said boundaries have resulted in the boundaries getting stricter and stricter. However &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; she set the boundaries is not the important part, the important part from your perspective is that she has set them and like all boundaries in relationships, we need to &lt;strong&gt;respect&lt;/strong&gt; those boundaries and not try to overcome them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Although it focuses more on closer relationships and therefore less restricting boundaries, I think a lot of the points in &lt;a href=&quot;https://useyourdamnskills.com/2017/07/06/respecting-others-boundaries/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt; apply directly to your situation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If we truly expect our boundaries to be respected, if we truly believe&#xA;  that everyone has the right to set reasonable boundaries wherever they&#xA;  need to set them, if we truly believe that nobody owes anybody an&#xA;  explanation or justification of why they want or need to say “no” when&#xA;  they do…we have to respect that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In time, with practice, we’ll discover that respecting other peoples’&#xA;  boundaries is an essential part of not only nurturing our&#xA;  relationships— but also building our own self-respect and&#xA;  self-reliance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the rest of the article also has a number of comments that seem to apply really nicely to your situation, just take it with a grain of salt and understand that the author is focusing primarily on intimate relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially what I am saying is that it is up to her to lift these boundaries at her own pace (if ever) and if she has progressively created more and more boundaries until she is &lt;em&gt;ignoring your existence&lt;/em&gt; then pushing forwards anyway and trying to have a discussion with her about it will only damage your friendship further. You have to let her decide when she is okay with discussing these things with you. Be respectful of the boundaries she has set and if you continue this respect then over time, she may lift some boundaries and you each may slowly rebuild your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T08:02:17.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-24T08:18:42.043" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This ought to work alright in a 1v1 setting:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like any other unwanted gift that someone may try to impose upon you...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When try try to hand you the card, just adjust your hand so your extended fingertips are above your palm.  This &quot;stop&quot; sign will clearly communicate the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, speak, and say, &quot;I've already got your information in the contact database that we use.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be concerned about refusing to cooperate.  However, the implication here is not that you are being uncooperative.  The implication is that you are simply updating them on the status, which is that you have the situation handled.  The situation is that they want you to have contact information, and you just politely let them know that's already taken care of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, if you aren't sure that you have someone's contact information, you could ask them, &quot;Do you have your info on your company website?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of which response you give, try to say something else to move the conversation along.  This will move the focus off of the failed business card delivery, and since they appear to be in a no-win situation with their attempt to give you a business card, they will likely tactfully seek to focus on wherever else the conversation may be heading.  Which, pleasantly, you likely have an opportunity to influence (and even control).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're sitting at a table and he hands them out to each person sitting, you might not have an opportunity to tactfully express that you are declining.  However, if you aren't necessarily trying to impress the person, you could just leave their litter on the table (as long as you haven't touched it).  They might decide to clean up the table... or they might decide to leave it there in hopes that someone else productively sees it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, these things are typically purchased in bulk and rather cheap.  If you could benefit from using a business card simply as a piece of paper to write on (if it isn't too glossy to effectively write on), go ahead and use it.  Another option may be to throw it away, even in front of them, which simply shows your lack of need to have a business card.  However, do not do this if you thanked them when they hand you the card.  You must not show appreciation and then show a lack of value, as that will look hypocritically inconsiderate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T08:18:42.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14885" CreationDate="2018-05-24T08:22:21.493" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I was writing halfway and I saw arieljannai's post. Yes, I agreed and you may some of overlapping answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, if you are really sincere about mending the relationships, find an opportunity to &lt;strong&gt;apologize to her&lt;/strong&gt;, and explain that you are aware of your past behaviors and you are changing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I would like to talk you about the times where we were in the club, and... I would like to apologize for my behaviors back then, for being too immature [&lt;em&gt;change the actions/behaviors you deem fit&lt;/em&gt;]. I know it must have caused unpleasant memories for you back then, and I am regretful of my actions. I am changing it now, and hope to mend our relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may or may not choose to forgive you (I am guessing it would highly be the latter, which is probably normal and expected), but the replied would probably be something along the line &quot;ah, is okay&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, &lt;strong&gt;this is the very first step that you will need to do&lt;/strong&gt;. Whether or not she accepts your apology, if you are sincere and serious about a change, then things should naturally takes its course (like what arieljannai mentioned, it will worth nothing if you are not going to change). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, the step would to allow &lt;strong&gt;time play its role&lt;/strong&gt;. From your post, I reckon that you will not have much chance to get along with her except for events through the club. But &lt;strong&gt;as time goes by, and that you have apologized to her, and provided that you are determined to change, she should slowly open up her heart to you&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding to your 2nd question, &quot;If thats not possible, what do I concretely learn from said situation?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With or without having mended the relationship, there are definitely takeaways from this situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Aware and acknowledge on your own behavoirs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Determine if your behaviors have caused any unpleasant experiences to people (not only to her) around you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Change your behaviors to a desire one&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make actions (like apologize) to people around you who might have been hurt by your behaviors&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Constantly review your behaviors&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastEditorUserId="15749" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T08:27:42.993" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T08:27:42.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14893" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14907" CreationDate="2018-05-24T08:35:54.493" Score="21" ViewCount="5762" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was at the front of a queue of 5 or 6 people waiting for train tickets, at a station in London, England. It was a similar length when I joined, and had taken about 10 minutes to reach the front.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A woman approached me asking if she could go first as she had queued up already to get a form for a discount railcard. I guess the person in the ticket office had continued serving other customers while the woman had filled the form at another position along the long counter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She took it for granted I would say yes, and stood in front of me. This annoyed me, more than it should have done, perhaps because I'm British and predisposed to petty little angers. I told her to go to the back of the queue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person in the ticket office became free to serve the next customer, and what ensued was an unseemly pushing match at the counter as I tried to proffer my money for my monthly ticket, and she her form. I won, but I feel bad about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in her situation I would have queued up again without any expectation of going to the front of the queue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worse still, as my ticket was being printed and my change counted we shouted at each other in an angry exchange where I argued that she had asked a question, and had been disappointed with the answer, so why did she ask the question if she felt entitled to go first? On reflection I think her question might have been a polite way of letting me know she had queued up already and should not have to do so a second time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the correct etiquette regarding re-queuing for the first in line?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18208" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T09:01:28.740" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T09:01:28.740" Title="Etiquette for a person who has already queued once" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;queueing&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14885" CreationDate="2018-05-24T10:24:50.887" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My experience is that it is very likely impossible to mend such a relationship. You can make a sincere apology because it's the decent thing to do, but should expect to be ignored forever and be very grateful if you're not. I accepted this after I considered how I tend to react if someone has been obnoxious to me, if they later apologize I'll accept their apology because it's the decent thing to do, and I'll certainly think better of them, but it'd take a miracle for me to ever actually - to put it bluntly - want them around.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are so many people in the world, why should I waste my time on someone who has proven themselves repeatedly to be someone I don't want in my life, just because they have professed some measure of self-awareness? I'm thrilled for them, but chances are excellent I still won't like them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my own life I've taken these ruined relationships as my personal idiot tax, the price paid for being obnoxious to others. I'm grateful though, because the lessons were painful enough to be a spur for change and that change allowed me to have good relationships with other people. If I hadn't destroyed a couple of friendships and learned from that experience, I probably wouldn't have my wife now, and she's the best person I've ever met.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2151" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T10:28:30.730" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T10:28:30.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14893" CreationDate="2018-05-24T10:36:31.810" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Queuing is an agreement with the supplier of a service to order their customers.  As customers we agree to comply with their terms of service by queuing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A customer who has to fill in a form, obviously needs to do this offline from the queue.  If they agree with the person at the till, to return as a high priority case then pushing into the queue is acknowledging this exception.  If on the other hand the customer has no agreement, by default they have to join the queue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This often happens in supermarkets while things are returned because of damage and a new item collected.  This also makes sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand filling in forms, processing them is not a quick process and therefore going to the back of the queue is not unreasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your behaviour was perfectly acceptable, unless the lady in question had an agreement with the person at the till to put her details as a higher priority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The complexity of forms etc. is a judgement call between you and the assistant. I have filled name and address on simple forms and taken others away.  There is no one rule.  What is most efficient works.  There are many jokes about filling in forms and going to back of queues....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="16994" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T17:25:26.033" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T17:25:26.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14877" CreationDate="2018-05-24T11:02:27.233" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Transactional analysis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are offering support, in one form or another.&#xA;To simply say &quot;thankyou, everything is fine and good in the circumstances.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If everything is fine and good in the circumstances, then there is no&#xA;need for further advice or progress etc in any area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put another way offering a solution to a problem that does not exist stops&#xA;even the desire.  This will resolve the continued advice you are receiving&#xA;without much effort on your part, and is polite and to the point without &#xA;causing offence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have talked to many people of my own age and discovered they have their &#xA;own experience of the trauma and joy of looking after a parent or partner&#xA;through the stages, and recognising the steps from need to dependence to&#xA;care home and to final resolution.  It is a slow drawn out process of mourning,&#xA;letting go of someone, as things progress.  I have spent 5 years caring for&#xA;my mother, going from one stage to the next, and recognising the price and&#xA;the benefits involved.  And we are still not at the end, but blessed by &#xA;the support we have received. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="16994" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T21:52:09.940" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T21:52:09.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14899" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14906" CreationDate="2018-05-24T12:16:57.743" Score="22" ViewCount="2318" Body="&lt;p&gt;So this is the age-old situation with a modern take on it, my girlfriend is asking me to stop following certain girls on instagram. It just happened like this and I'm scared this becomes a slippery slope where some demands become more and more authoritative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been together for a year and a half at this point. We're very close to moving in together (that happens next week). I know she's been under a lot of stress for that reason and her personal situation until now, and we've had quite an increase in amount of arguments for the last few weeks as she seems to have difficulties coping with her stress. &#xA;I tend to be patient and stress is not really something that affects me, although I do understand what it's like. I'm always trying to get her to talk to me of what truly is on her mind, and I know she's doing great efforts there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now she just called me while I'm working, and asked me to unfollow that girl I've travelled with on a few occasions (ridesharing).&#xA;So far I've cut short to the discussion and told her we'd talk about it after work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But truth to the matter is, I don't like where this is going. We've had many conversations on how important it is to trust each other, and not to try and control the other person. I feel like her asking me this is again a lack of trust towards me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to cave in on that demand, as I'm scared it could lead to more  unreasonable requests and I think those are unhealthy in an otherwise perfect relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could I tell her that this sort of request is unwarranted in a healthy relationship and make her understand that she can trust me?&lt;/strong&gt; Or otherwise, make sure that if she has any fears, she should mention them right away instead of scape-goating them on such demands ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already had a few conversations about this topic, but I see this still happens and I'm wondering whether there is another way to tackle the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18215" LastEditorUserId="18215" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T13:05:17.777" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T09:58:44.060" Title="How to handle a partner trying to control whom I follow on instagram?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14900" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14885" CreationDate="2018-05-24T12:17:15.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I write this from the perspective of someone who was bullied by someone and has regained some sort of friendly but distant relationship to that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every relationship involves the some sort of trust. The trust in a stranger is different than that to a lover or family but when you talk to a stranger you still trust them not to hurt you (or else you would not talk to them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That she errected several boundaries around you is a sign that you lost the trust that she had in you initially through your behaviour. That your behaviour continued for four years makes it even harder to kit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you have taken the first step and realized that your behaviour was the cause - this is good. Next you have to be honest to yourself about why you want to repair that relationship: for the sake of a good relationship with her or for the sake of your own conscience. If it is the latter, it will show and you have to ask yourself whether you have the endurance to change yourself and regain her trust with that motivation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Earning back the trust you lost isn't just done with apologizing once. Yes, apologizing is an important first step, but you have to really change yourself and show that in your behaviour for quite a time for her to even consider to lower her barriers around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apologize, change yourself. But in the end she has to decide whether she wants to lower her barriers or not and you should respect that decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Losing unwanted behaviour is not easy and depending how ingrained and harmful it is you may want to consider professional behavioural training and self reflection (if that is acessible at your location).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18216" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T12:17:15.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14854" CreationDate="2018-05-24T12:30:06.683" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a group of adults this should definitely have been a shared problem, not your problem alone.  It was unfair of them to put the burden of hiring the car on you and at that point you could have instigated a group discussion: &quot;Well guys, what do you think we should do now?  Are you happy to split the costs of a rental car?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general it's far from unlikely that mechanical issues will occur on a long roadtrip.  In future I'd recommend agreeing with the passengers beforehand whether you will get breakdown cover for the area of travel (and split that cost) or share the risk of being stranded and facing unplanned expenses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I think the guys that won't pay are out of line, but if there was no prior agreement on costs the best you can do is email/text/whatsapp them saying &quot;I've split the trip costs 4 ways, here's the calculation, your share is £xxx.  Please transfer it/paypal it to xxxxxx&quot;  If they refuse I guess there's little else you can do, but you can at least make clear that they've left you in the lurch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18214" LastEditorUserId="18214" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T13:03:08.113" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T13:03:08.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-24T13:06:52.033" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am guessing that Bob was reaching out not because Bob expects you to drop everything, but because he needs to know when it will be looked at and done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi Bob, the issue you have reported is in our work queue and will be investigated by {ETA}, and based upon the findings an ETA for resolution will then be provided.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lacking a ticketing system, project managers, or even team leads it becomes everyone's responsibility to manage work and communicate to the stakeholders. It isn't necessary to explain why competing work has been prioritized over Bob's request until Bob comes back with a response indicating he expects things to happen quicker than you stated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, you should consult your manager so that if Bob pushes back you are prepared to give an appropriate response which your boss will support. This is really a workplace matter so I won't go further on this and will get back to the communication style used. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying that you don't have the &quot;luxury of time&quot; will be poorly received because it is implying that you are the only one in the company that has to juggle balls. This will also likely be received as you having resentment against Bob. Although you didn't say &quot;I don't have the luxury of time like you do&quot;, the recipient will likely fill that into the message. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explaining that Bob's request is less important than other work likely puts the recipient off further. There are better ways to word it, but really I don't think you need to go there until Bob comes back to press for the request to be expedited. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you come to that bridge, that response should go something like &quot;I understand this is important to you and it is important to us too. The challenge is that another project has been determined to be an immediate priority over requests of this nature.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't go into further detail at that point and wait again to see if Bob pushes back further. If that happens though, it is time to talk Bob through the real business impact of his request. It is possible that your understanding of the problem has resulted in you and your team underestimating the importance. If that is the case then you might really need to put Bob's request as a priority. But talking Bob through the business impact of his request will also help Bob understand it really isn't higher. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few more miscellaneous tips to mention. Throughout all communications, stay away from words and phrases that are aggressive and aimed at Bob. For example, referring to the issue as &quot;your&quot; issue or problem (You didn't do this, just making an example of what would be aggressive wording). Use empathy for Bob's position and likely Bob will also be empathetic to the position you are in. Use words and phrases that paint a picture of you and Bob being on the same team to solve this problem together without hurting the business elsewhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob may not care too much about the competing project.  Have your ducks in a row so that if this gets escalated because you and Bob cannot agree on priority against the competing project that when it is kicked to people who do care about both, the decision goes in your favor. If that happens, you want Bob to reflect on your interactions has having been valiant attempts to help Bob avoid that escalation failing; and don't spike the football when that happens. Instead, take it as a learning opportunity with the goal of helping the next Bob avoid that same outcome. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2675" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T13:06:52.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-24T13:16:46.237" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've already accepted an answer, and the wording itself has been analyzed to death by other answers, but I'm going to add this answer anyway because you may find it helpful. Specifically, I have 2 pieces of advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You intended your wording as factual. Let's say it has a neutral tone; that's what you intended. So where did the negative tone come from when the reader interpreted it? From the reader, obviously. Now the real question is &quot;why?&quot;. Your reader could have read this with a positive or neutral spin. He could have given you the benefit of the doubt about perceived negative wording. He didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very often when I read emails, I hear the writer's voice in my head. &lt;em&gt;With the writer's habitual tones and inflections.&lt;/em&gt; I suspect that either your F2F relationship with the reader or your reputation in the office led the reader to interpret your words negatively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in addition to all the other advice about how you could have worded this differently, I suggest you work on your relationships an reputation. Specifically, start by going to the reader, and apologizing for upsetting him or seeming to denigrate his project. Then start paying attention to your F2F interactions (in meetings, in the break room, the hall, ...) and make sure you're not always coming off as Dr. No. Look for opportunities to explicitly be nice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A wise man once told me you can get away with saying almost anything if you say it with a smile. So consider literally adding in smiley faces to your emails when the tone might be misconstrued. And if you subsequently re-read and find that the smiley face is at odds with the words then it's a cue to re-work the wording. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3967" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T13:16:46.237" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14893" CreationDate="2018-05-24T13:23:29.387" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The ticket agent really should have intervened to adjudicate, as the policy is apparently unclear to customers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main question is, is getting discount rail ticket one bundled service or is getting the form a distinct service, and submitting it to the ticket agent another distinct service? And to answer that, I think the related question is: how long did it take at the ticket window for the woman to get the form?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it takes a matter of seconds to get the form, I would probably allow the woman to take priority in the queue to submit it. After all, she did wait in line as long as anyone else but didn't really contribute to the wait for anyone behind her. The closer the amount of time needed to get the form is to the typical service time at the window, the less inclined I would be to let her skip the line the second time around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming your question is &quot;How should I handle this sort of thing politely if it happens again?&quot;, I would recommend expressing your answer (&quot;No, you may not skip the queue and go ahead of me&quot;) along with the reason from above (&quot;because you've already taken up as much time getting the form as someone buying a ticket.&quot;). People may or may not accept that-- this woman seems like she had no intention of queuing again, no matter what-- but it's polite, clear, and to the point about why your decision is what it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shouting and shoving are never good etiquette, regardless of your correctness in the underlying matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T15:31:13.803" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T15:31:13.803" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14899" CreationDate="2018-05-24T13:23:51.350" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know much about jealousy since my SO and I aren't really inclined to be, but if I understand well, she asks you to unfollow girls from which you receive notifications when they publish new content, but with whom you're not currently talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm right on this, she might be feeling insecure about herself. This would not be really surprising considering that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She's about to move in with you! That's a huge step! &lt;strong&gt;You're gonna see here in all circumstances&lt;/strong&gt;, get to know her strengths but also her weaknesses. This can be intimidating for someone, to know that the person they love will see them, well ... not &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; in their best shape. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Instagram hurts people's self-confidence&lt;/strong&gt;, for it shows the best (and only the best!) of people and one can, from time to time, &lt;strong&gt;forget that this is just an image&lt;/strong&gt;, and that people are not this perfect in real life. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to know if this is really about insecurity could help you approach the issue, so I suggest you'd try to determine whether it's about this or about jealousy (or something else). Anyway, what you could try to ease the situation is to &lt;strong&gt;approach the topic with her at a calm moment&lt;/strong&gt;, e.g. after you had dinner together, tell her that &lt;strong&gt;you're really looking to moving in with her&lt;/strong&gt;, reassure her about the fact that &lt;strong&gt;you love her and think she's a wonderful person&lt;/strong&gt;, and then &lt;strong&gt;use the &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Non-Violent Communication&lt;/a&gt; approach&lt;/strong&gt; to let her know that you're uncomfortable with her wanting you to cut off any contact with your female acquaintances (whether it's a virtual or IRL connection). &#xA;Below is a example of what it could look like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, I'm so excited that we're about to move in together. I love you and I think you're a wonderful person, and you have great qualities [&lt;em&gt;insert here missing qualities&lt;/em&gt;] that I truly appreciate in you. When &lt;strong&gt;you asked me&lt;/strong&gt; recently to unfollow some of my acquaintances on Instagram, &lt;strong&gt;I felt&lt;/strong&gt; upset and a bit worried &lt;strong&gt;because I think&lt;/strong&gt; that confidence in your partner's faithfulness is crucial in a relationship. I would like to reassure you about my faithfulness towards you, and I think cutting off with my female acquaintances might not be the best way to do it. Do you think spending more time together [or another activity that suits you] would help showing you that you're the only one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I feel&quot; statements help open a dialog with her in a peaceful and &lt;em&gt;healthy&lt;/em&gt; way. It may not always result in immediate resolution, but if you look at the answers to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/13547/in-non-violent-communication-what-to-do-when-i-feel-statements-fail&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; going into a bit more detail on when I feel statements in NVC &quot;fail&quot;, we can understand that it is still okay if it doesn't immediately work out. Maybe she will be fine with your suggestion. Maybe she will offer to try another thing. Maybe she will tell you that it's not about insecurity. Either way, using and continuing to use this NVC-based approach will help introduce this issue, and resolve it in a way that is good for you both. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T09:04:43.240" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T09:04:43.240" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14893" CreationDate="2018-05-24T13:30:39.093" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my country we have very similar queueing etiquette to the one in United Kingdom.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Cutting in line per se is a no-go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have experienced this exact situation several times, from both perspectives. My answer will focus on the etiquette and therefore on the person who had to fill out the form.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I see it, when I'm filling out the form, it is still my turn. To prevent the employee from having to twiddle their thumbs it's fine if they help someone else before they can continue helping me. But it's still my turn so when I'm ready and the opportunity is there, I expect the employee to continue helping me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But of course, that is usually not explicitly being said in the moment so it is not a clear agreement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; do in this situation - &lt;strong&gt;if the first-in-line isn't aware of the situation and doesn't let you go before anyway&lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; - is that I walk up next to the queue and &lt;strong&gt;wait&lt;/strong&gt; next to the first-in-line and &lt;strong&gt;make eye contact with the employee&lt;/strong&gt;. This puts the onus on the employee to tell the first-in-line to wait so I can finish my turn by giving the filled form. When he does, thank them both (employee, first-in-line guy) with an appreciative smile and nod &lt;sup&gt;[2]&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you do not have to ask yourself if you could cut the line, which is rude and mostly turned down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;[1] this is the etiquette for the person first in line&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;[2] If the employee does nothing after the eye contact, just be patient and wait, while making eye contact as much as possible. But don't cut the line without the employee telling you to. He will do it eventually!&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T05:26:03.060" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T05:26:03.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14893" CreationDate="2018-05-24T13:55:57.780" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Etiquette is a tricky business and there is no real correct answer here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I'm inclined to say you were in the wrong. Being from Glasgow, maybe we're more laidback than you fast paced Capital folk...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, this was a small act of kindness (giving up 30 seconds or so of your time, say?) to save another person spending another 10 minutes in a queue. We all have hectic lives and many things aren't worth fighting over, even if you feel slightly wronged. The slight wronging you initially would feel would quickly be replaced by the smugness of power when helping another human! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another point would be the socialist perspective of letting her skip the queue - this resulted in 20 people giving up 30 seconds each for her to save 10 minutes. A mere niggle for most people, yet a massive time saving for the skipper - who would be eternally thankful. The fact the queue is so long and they had already waited in it works in the skippers favour. Of course, if your POV is that you have a first come first served right to be there and your immediate satisfaction is worth making someone else wait a significant longer time than you is a valid viewpoint as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, assuming the skipper was polite, letting them in at the first available till seems like a no brainer. They have done their time, and it's affect on your day would be minuscule; yet would be a major inconvenience to the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: Furthermore, causing a public scene after the fact and 'elbowing' your way in front is very unbritish. The correct British response is to do nothing, tut and maybe turn in mock rage to the person standing behind you if you feel so strongly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4813" LastEditorUserId="4813" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T14:08:16.680" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T14:08:16.680" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14909" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-24T14:23:37.420" Score="2" ViewCount="927" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been a part of a happy long-term relationship over the past 4-5 years, and we've been engaged for some of that. The relationship started when I moved to a new town, so I left a lot of my life behind, including a certain hobby, a competitive card game (not gambling). We're currently pretty settled, we have a few pets and live together in the same house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 'hobby' has a reputation for being an expensive one, but I'd always been stingy with it and didn't spend anywhere near as much as others often do. I wouldn't need to spend money to return to it, as I still have my old decks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to about a year ago, as I started to feel more and more comfortable and settled I brought up the idea that I might pick the hobby back up again. The response I got was at best mixed, and the ensuing argument ended up with my partner saying how they just &quot;hate&quot; the hobby, citing the associated expense and the fact that I'd changed a lot since I last did it. Honestly I don't consider myself to have changed at all since I regained an interest (passion?) in the hobby. If there is a more fundamental or reason than that then it's never been mentioned. I feel like I don't understand the problem they see. These feelings seem to have been exacerbated by the fact that I'm now out-of-work, and while I wouldn't spend anything financially on the hobby given that fact, I receive responses like 'I'm not happy to be paying the rent if you're going to waste your time on [hobby]' if it is brought up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result of them making me feel bad about it, I've essentially been committing time to the hobby in secret, while they're at work etc. I feel incredibly guilty for more-or-less lying to them like this, but I feel that I should have a right to pursue something that makes me happy and being secretive about it seems to make us both happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Subsequent times when the hobby has just randomly come up in conversation, my fiancée has been extremely derogatory, but I didn't say anything other than nodding my head essentially, as I didn't want to re-open the issue even though this was making me feel pretty awful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially I have no idea what to do. If I'm frank and honest with them then I'm afraid it will all end, and I feel that we're so good together and settled. I feel like I don't want to have to cut out a thing that I really enjoy because of my partner's seemingly irrational hatred, since it would also cut off a significant portion of my friendships from where I first lived.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel so guilty for how I'm acting because of this, and just want to have an honest relationship again, but I'm afraid that will never happen again with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels like just cutting myself off from the hobby would fix everything, but it's a social hobby and I find it somewhat difficult to start friendships in other ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I have an honest conversation with my partner about my hobby, to understand why they hate it and express why it is important and beneficial for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18221" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T15:03:04.143" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T17:21:15.563" Title="Long-Term Relationship and 'a specific hobby'" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;activities&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-05-24T17:34:57.010" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14910" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-24T15:04:20.753" Score="2" ViewCount="292" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am struggling to figure out how to have a productive relationship with a friend struggling with alcoholism cross country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were both part of a large and strong friend group in college. After college, the group scattered across the country. In general, the group communicates occasionally but we quickly pick up our strong bond when we get together for events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has struggled with alcohol since before college, but over the last few years alcoholism has come to dominate his life. He has also been using various drugs some times. He has been to in-patient rehab several times and has seen several therapists/psychiatrists on and off outside of rehab. He is living with his parents, but has a terrible relationship with them. They enable his drinking as a moral challenge for him to overcome by sheer force of will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to continue my relationship with him but I'm not sure how best to do that. Resources &lt;a href=&quot;https://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/how-to-talk/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;like this&lt;/a&gt; focus on how to stage an intervention to get them to rehab. That's not what I'm looking for- he acknowledges alcohol dominates his life but I can't send him to rehab. Other resources recommend more simply expressing your concern and support. This is helpful, but not the basis of a relationship. Continuously sending that type of message just seems condescending. I've tried focusing conversation on the dealing with his alcoholism, but that usually leads him to depression. I've also tried tried focusing on other things, but that has become increasingly hard as he really has nothing else in his life anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our group of friends is lucky enough to be able and willing to spend substantial amounts of money to help him, but less than appears would be required to send him to inpatient rehab. This could include visiting him or helping him pay for living arrangements away from his parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are the best things I can do to support my friend dealing with alcoholism cross country? In response to comments about this being to broad, what are conversation topics and communication strategies that will make my friend feel supported?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18222" LastEditorUserId="18222" LastEditDate="2018-05-24T18:06:18.927" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T18:06:18.927" Title="Relationship with alcoholic cross country?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;substance-abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-05-24T16:46:45.307" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12435" CreationDate="2018-05-24T16:09:23.340" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good way to do this is to say I'm full.  Many people will accept this, as if the point of eating together is for everyone to stuff themselves into stupor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, there's always deception, as mentioned above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also mentioned above is when you're expected to eat everything on your plate.  Another reason for this is that in some cultures, &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; finishing what you have is tantamount to wasting food.  (Although better to go to w-a-s-t-e than to w-a-i-s-t.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some reason, people try to get people to eat more whether they want to or not.  They will ignore diets, allergies, protests, and whatever and they'll tell you to eat it anyway, as if you should just set all your objections aside and dig in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I have this fantasy about this old-fashioned grandma who pushes food at her granddaughter, who is trying to keep her attractive figure.  She thinks she's doing it out of love, but at one point the granddaughter lashes out, &quot;why do you hate me so much?&quot;  It could be a recurring theme on a sitcom.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T16:09:23.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14909" CreationDate="2018-05-24T17:21:15.563" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the end, you have to decide what you care about more! Of course, you want to have both, who doesn't? It is not uncommon though for married couples or couples intending to marry to make concessions for happiness. My father, for example, had to sell his motorcycle (both because he needed money for a ring, and because my mom didn't care for it). Another friend chose to quit smoking because their partner hated it. My sister's husband chose to convert his religion so that my sister can have her ideal wedding in a church. Equally so, I have had friends choose smoking or other habits over their SO and break up. Am I saying this works for you? I don't know your dynamics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that your Fiancee isn't upset with you for finding a new hobby again. It's that she wants you to pick up a hobby with her. Maybe she actually wants to play (what I assume is Magic) with you. Maybe she had a bad experience where a past boyfriend played the same game and used it as an excuse to go cheat. I assume since you guys are engaged that her bad experiences in the past have come up but for others reading it may be helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try to sit down with her and have a talk about hobbies that may be okay. See if what she really wants is time with you. Maybe she is afraid that you would spend more time playing the game than you would be looking for work or keeping the house in order. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is afraid you won't put effort into finding work, then put effort into finding a job, finding work, or showing that you still care about maintaining your lives together. Cook meals for her before she comes back home and have dinner ready, keep the house clean. Keep the pets maintained. Find some things you can do to improve skills you need for a job. Do the small things to show her that you are still being responsible while picking up/going back to an old hobby and she may not even care about you playing cards as long as you are still showing her effort into being responsible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience with female friends who are in a similar situation, most of the time, their bf/fiancee ends up playing on the xbox all day. The house is a mess and she needs to clean after working all day, dinner is still on her to prepare or find. While she is working hard for all the money, all he wants to do is spend it on luxury items that they don't need (more games, new gadgets, more card packs ;)). These things usually lead to the demise of relationships. Being that you guys are engaged, she is probably afraid the above situation could eventually come to pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the bottom line is to just show her you can play and be responsible. Find a hobby you 2 can do together if you don't have one (it's likely she wants something you can share in common). Or ultimately, decide whether playing cards is more important, or your future with her but without cards is more important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T17:21:15.563" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14916" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14918" CreationDate="2018-05-24T18:54:47.123" Score="-5" ViewCount="1006" Body="&lt;p&gt;At a family dinner, my snippy uncle &amp;quot;reminded&amp;quot; me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you donated to my church's charity yet? I mentioned  last time that it's only $200 [USD] a month. This is like 3 restaurant meals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All  my polite deflections failed. I can't answer 'no', as this will upset him.  So how can I refuse without offending him?   He'll chase me if I don't answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[I:] I already donate to some charities. [But I didn't name &lt;a href=&quot;http://reducing-suffering.org/donation-recommendations/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;them&lt;/a&gt;.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Uncle:]  You don't want to help our church help homeless and poor locals? Your charities are great, but they don't directly help our community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[I:] Can we discuss this after our meal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Uncle:] Sure. I'll email you our church's link. You can link your credit card or bank account.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-06-26T15:21:48.480" Title="How do I tactfully refuse to donate money?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2018-05-25T06:50:29.380" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14916" CreationDate="2018-05-24T19:10:10.783" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say &quot;No, and it is none of your business&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is shaming you in public on purpose, and to top it off, on front of family to manipulate you into donating a not so trivial amount of money to his business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not donate a cent, until he would stop harassing me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, the bigger elephant in the room here is you not recognising you are being bullied &lt;em&gt;in public&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming from a Latin family, I had unfortunately some similar experiences, with some elements of the family often trying to shame me in public/family parties on personal things, and it is sad to say they only stopped for good when I told them to stop, in front of all family, in not so kinder terms, in a couple of occasions. Told them they were being rude and they should mind their own business. Fortunately they stopped those behaviors for good after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bullies either emotional or physical, do not like to be confronted, and will leave you in peace after you stand up your ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Btw, I am still on good terms with my parents, my aunt and my uncle after rebuffing those appropriate approaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2019-06-26T15:21:48.480" LastActivityDate="2019-06-26T15:21:48.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14916" CreationDate="2018-05-24T19:13:50.817" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your uncle is using the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/19382806-abc-always-be-closing&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;ABC approach to selling&lt;/a&gt; (ABC = always be closing) that relies on your open statements. A very simple straightforward tactic (pretty badly executed on top of that, he probably watched Alec Baldwin's snippy character in a David Mamet movie).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to convey a more definitive &lt;strong&gt;negative/refusal without saying &quot;no&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. In a polite rather than tactful manner, not giving him a reason to get upset about.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Close the negotiation politely under your own terms.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I don't have more money to spare on donations, sorry.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;All my donation budget has ran out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will do your uncle a favor and help him close the deal, and the deal is &lt;em&gt;nope&lt;/em&gt;. Something along those lines will help you. Avoid saying something coming from nervousness like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;s&gt;Maybe next time&lt;/s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you want him to keep nagging you. Basically, you are both selling, only it is easier for you to close the deal on your favor, you are in control of the resources he is negotiating for, so &lt;strong&gt;you are simply removing the existence of those resources from the imaginarium on which his premise to negotiate was built upon&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you didn't want to ruin the relationship, so after you close the deal, change the topic to something he enjoys more than church, or better yet something you both enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-26T00:02:22.417" LastActivityDate="2018-05-26T00:02:22.417" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14916" CreationDate="2018-05-24T19:17:48.507" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't use &quot;polite deflections&quot;. They never work. A firm &quot;No&quot; is what works. It may have to be repeated a few times, but stay firmly with &quot;No&quot;. Not &quot;No, because&quot;. Definitely not &quot;maybe&quot;. One &quot;maybe&quot; destroys what you achieved with ten &quot;No&quot;s. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's try it tactfully. &quot;Sorry Uncle, I know how much you like collecting more for the church's charity. But I have no intention at all to donate any money, much less $2,400 a year. So please don't try, it just makes everyone uncomfortable. Stop trying at a point where we can still be friends.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T19:17:48.507" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14916" CreationDate="2018-05-24T20:29:59.913" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best response I've ever heard of was from someone who was being badgered into volunteering for some thing (I forget which).  The response was this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That is certainly a valid concern and worthy of all your time and energy.  Unfortunately, it is not &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; concern.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I suspect that uncle won't accept that.  Some people say to say &quot;no&quot; with a reason behind it, such as &quot;I already have charities I donate to.&quot;  All that does, in my experience, is give the pursuer an argument to pursue.  &quot;That may be, but this is more important.  Donate to my charity instead.&quot;  Or &quot;That's good, but all you have to do is skip this spurious activity and you can fund my charity.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been the &quot;victim&quot; of this in the past, and it relies on your guilt to make their goal.  And the pursuer knows that it's worked on others in the past, and they're going to apply pressure to you now.  My response to that is, &quot;No, I'm not in a position to help this one out, sorry! Good luck with the fundraising!&quot;&#xA;And offer NO other information.  You don't owe an explanation or excuse, despite how they pursue one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the inevitable guilt comes, and some people like to lay it on thick, refuse to accept it.  &quot;You don't want our church to help...&quot;  &quot;That's not what I said, and you know it.  I'm not accepting this guilt so please stop now.&quot;  Be firm and stay on message.  And after a sentence or two, just walk away.  The best interpersonal skill is to NOT engage in foolish arguments - especially with family.  All that accomplishes is to get you a bunch of calls from well-meaning but annoying relatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping in line with this, I've seen too many arguments start because someone didn't stop there.  &quot;I'll send you the link.&quot;  &quot;Fine, do that&quot; and quit talking about it.  You can be the bigger person, let them have the last word, and delete an e-mail.  Otherwise, too many arguments start with &quot;I'll send you the link&quot;  &quot;don't bother; I won't read it anyway&quot; and I've seen that devolve into another argument.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T20:29:59.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14885" CreationDate="2018-05-24T23:41:04.127" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having run into many people whom I have grown to highly dislike (bullying issues growing up), I would be quite annoyed with them trying to talk to me too. Some have tried to talk to me a few years removed from school while other's mostly knew to stay away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some have come to me and virtually the first thing said was sorry about X, Y, Z back in high school, I was kind of a jerk then and then proceeded to show genuine interest in the now and what I am up to. Others, it took interacting with them several times to see that they have changed through their actions and not words (because frankly, words are cheap).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you truly want to make amends, it won't be easy, and honestly, you may never become friends again. But you can at least take the weight off your chest by saying your piece. I had my 10-year high school reunion about 2 years ago in which several bullies approached me and told me how sorry they were for the issues they caused. Doesn't mean we are now best friends, but hearing that from them and in turn, returning forgiveness allowed them to lift a weight off their shoulders as well as helped me to carry less hostility in my heart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first, I would find a way to get her into a position to be able to hear you out. make sure it is sincere, genuine, and honest. It's really easy to call BS when you know a person is just saying it without meaning anything. Let her know she doesn't need to respond, she doesn't need to tell you that she forgives you, but that you just wanted to let her know how you wish to apologize and regret the actions you took towards her during your club meetings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say whatever it is you want to get off your chest then smile and thank them for hearing you out and then politely dismiss yourself. Give them time to process the words you said. Maybe they will reply instantly to you with what you hope she will say, or she will tell you that she forgives you. Maybe she will come to you later/text you later to give you a response, or she will let you walk off and you never speak to her again. It's possible she just starts talking to you right then and there like you guys are friends again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also possible you might not hear anything from her until the next time you run into each other somewhere and she waves at you, recognizing your existence. Even if you don't talk, that's a success, right? you at least got her to acknowledge you whereas before she didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, you can't force a person to accept an apology, nor can you force them to give you the response you wish. All you can do is what you need to make the situation right. Know that at the very least this person heard the words you said and will at least have that as her last memory. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-05-24T23:41:04.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14916" CreationDate="2018-05-25T06:11:32.150" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you actually do regular giving, then you can shift the discussion to be about the charity, or about your process for giving.  And you can slyly elevate the discussion above his skill level, at which point it really isn't your job to catch him up.  For instance: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't give to general funds&lt;/strong&gt;.  (and you stop right there; you don't explain there's a difference between a charity's general fund, which can be used &lt;em&gt;for any purpose it sees fit&lt;/em&gt;, and giving to a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.investopedia.com/terms/r/restricted-fund.asp&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;restricted fund&quot;&lt;/a&gt; &lt;em&gt;for a specific project&lt;/em&gt; which it can only use for that purpose.  Generally a charity has to plan a project and start a fundraising campaign for it before they will accept restricted donations.  No plan; tough beans.  By the way, pardon these bulky bits in parentheses, I just don't want to snow &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'll take a look at their 990s later.&lt;/strong&gt; (you need not explain the annual IRS Form 990 is the charity's annual report to the government which justifies their charity status.  They are public documents and sites like &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.guidestar.org/Articles.aspx?path=/rxa/news/articles/2005/accessing-forms-990.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;guidestar.org&lt;/a&gt; host them.  A skilled donor &lt;a href=&quot;https://blog.case.org/2015/07/15/7-tips-for-reading-the-form-990/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;looks carefully&lt;/a&gt; at recent years' Form 990s, as they indicate how the charity raises and spends money, who the principals are, and roughly how well the place is run.) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I do all my giving online&lt;/strong&gt;.  (perhaps you use a site like &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.justgive.org&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;JustGive.org&lt;/a&gt;, which allows you to charge a credit card, their staff checks to &lt;em&gt;positively confirm the charity is legit&lt;/em&gt;, they send to the &lt;em&gt;official address, not your uncle's yacht fund&lt;/em&gt;, and they allow you to send the gift &lt;em&gt;anonymously&lt;/em&gt;.  Anonymous means when Uncle says &quot;I didn't see your name on the donor rolls&quot;, you reply &quot;You wouldn't.  I give anonymously.&quot;)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I do all my giving through a DAF&lt;/strong&gt;. (this means &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.fidelitycharitable.org/philanthropy/what-is-a-donor-advised-fund.shtml&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Donor Advised Fund&quot;&lt;/a&gt;; the DAF is a special charity that lets you give to the charity today, take the tax deduction this year, invest the money and give the money to the charity of your choice later.  It's common for people with DAFs to &lt;em&gt;do all their giving through their DAF&lt;/em&gt;.  Like online giving, they confirm and allow anonymous giving.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I do all my giving in December&lt;/strong&gt; (also common; donors are using charitable giving to ease their tax burden, so they need to wait until they have a clear picture of their income before they can decide how to give).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you have done the research and uncovered issues, you can raise those too. E.G. &lt;strong&gt;They lost their charity status when they &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.irs.gov/newsroom/charities-churches-and-politics&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;endorsed a political candidate&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.  But be careful here; if uncle is knowledgeable about that (or thinks he is), this might lead to an argument.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal here is to leave him speechless, unable to answer your objection, either because he doesn't know technically or because you have a well-thought-out donation policy he can't really argue with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T06:17:32.817" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T06:17:32.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14877" CreationDate="2018-05-25T07:02:20.307" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Caring for my wife these past 6 years, I have learned a few tactics myself. Everyone's situation and culture will be different (I am a tall man in my mid 30's living in Midwestern US), but let me offer my experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the first few years, I got so good at shutting down these worthless suggestions, that most of my family and close friends don't bother trying any more. Truthfully, it helped, because the rubbernecking and naivete made me feel like a sideshow, or incompetent for not being able to solve something that would apparently be so easy for everyone else. It's possible some people might have gotten their feelings hurt, others might have felt awkward when I opened up to them about what the situation is really like or how I was feeling, but I still think the majority of the time I was polite about it. None of them really avoid us actively, but they don't know what to say... so they don't. Say anything. Everyone just kind of pretends it is all normal, except we don't get invited to things as much anymore, more often hearing about it afterward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, sometimes I need help, or just want to feel like I am still an important part of someone else's life besides my wife and my son. Sometimes I need someone to babysit during an ill timed doctor's appointment (my son is too young to be left home alone), and sometimes I just want to have a conversation with another adult. I love my wife, but I don't think I need to feel guilty for also wanting to have other friends besides her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few years ago, we had to move (we had stairs). In the new town, I decided to take a different approach. It hasn't worked out perfectly yet, but it's better. It has taken some practice, but I focus on two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reacting to what they mean, not what they say.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have a ready list of things I need in my head.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second is harder, much harder for me (not just because of my machismo, or my experience showing that I can both administrate and execute better than anyone at this point, but because most of what I do and need is reactionary, and can't be planned: hopefully your situation is different), but I have had luck in trying. Never show anyone the full list (it is simultaneously embarrassing and overwhelming), but if you know that you need groceries by Tuesday, someone to sit with her while you shower sometime this week, figuring out a worthwhile task she can accomplish on the good days, a way to get your son to his school thing this Saturday, clean the bathroom, a friend to chat with this next month, a way to get her hair cut, etc., or yes even a casserole, eventually a situation will arise where you can get help with one of those things. I have had many circumstances where I could have asked for help and just couldn't think of anything, again, because most of what I do is reactionary. And I was tired. I don't really have any good suggestions on how to do this, so good luck. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let me explain the first. Generally, in my experience, no matter what is actually coming out of their mouth, what they are thinking can be categorized in one of 3 ways: a) actually wanting to help, b) gossip fodder, or c) assuage their own guilt. Just like the tabloids, people naturally get curious about other people's lives, I don't see any need to judge someone who feels 'gossipy' at a given moment. And you will talk to many people who are experiencing something akin to survivor's guilt, or feel guilt about not doing more to help you (not enough to actually want to change, just enough to feel bad, which doesn't help anyone). No matter the reason, realizing what they really mean helps me. Whether they are suggesting I get an appointment for her with the 'miracle doctor' that fixed their sister's gout, or asking me how often she falls, it isn't really the words that are coming out of their mouth that are important. People have no idea how to act in these situations, no matter how they are feeling, they just end up making themselves look stupid. It is not always their fault, and eventually you will start getting a chuckle out of their knucklehead behavior. Or get bitter. Sometimes I am bitter. But mostly amused, anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, here is what I do. No matter their motive, no matter what they actually mean, I look them in the eye, and I always express gratitude. Sometimes, like when I don't really know the person, or have time for a conversation (my son is a normal boy, he will sometimes attempt to grab my hand and physically drag me where he thinks I should go, and he is big enough now that he has some success), all I say is &quot;Thank you.&quot; Someone asks &quot;how are you doing&quot; or &quot;how is your wife&quot;, &quot;what can I do&quot;, &quot;I heard about this root that grows in Antarctica that my neighbor is selling out of his car&quot;, the response is still, always, &quot;Thank you.&quot; It feels awkward at first, answering questions with a non-answer, and not letting it be cold or dismissive, but actual gratitude. It helps to feel it, grateful that someone actually remembers my wife, is willing to spend even a few seconds of their life to express interest in something that is the most important thing to me... but faking it has worked for me in the past too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if I actually care about the person (perhaps they know my wife, are family, I think they may want to help, I have time to stop, they are an actual friend, or I think their gossip might get around to someone who actually might care), I do more than just say &quot;Thank you.&quot; I will often put my hand on their arm or shoulder, or shake their hand, and look them in the eye, and put actual emotion into those two words. (Anyone who knows me and my wife's condition wouldn't be freaked out by me touching, and it is acceptable in my region.) It is amazing what you can express like that in just a few words: overwhelmed exhaustion, hopeful apprehension, joyful familiarity, whatever it is, it is genuine. Something interesting happens then. It isn't perfect, but at that point, no matter what they actually said, you will more likely be able to see in their face which of the three types of conversations this is. The person who wanted to help but didn't know what to say or do sees and feels something they recognize, and suddenly feels more at ease, or at least human, and their expression softens. The gossip gets this flash of excitement in their face and eyes, like they will be getting 'the juicy' stuff next. And the guilty panic! It is so much fun to watch the guilty. Or maddening. But usually fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the last, for me, very important thing that can happen, is that I have just had a connection with a real human being. I need that sometimes. Even if it ends there, it may have been shallow, but it was something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the gossip or the guilty, I just let them off the hook at this point. I give them something positive, hopefully about my wife (&quot;you know, she has been working on crocheting this beautiful blue blanket, you ought to see it sometime&quot;), or at least about me or my son(&quot;oh, I have been meaning to tell you, my son joined a baseball team, he is 4th string right field, and loves it&quot;), change the topic to the weather or something banal, and find an excuse to move on. You may want meaningless conversation, it is nice sometimes, I just usually don't have time for it. But, whatever positive thing you told them, no matter who you are talking to, there is a real chance that it will get repeated. Maybe the same person will ask again, maybe someone they tell it to will approach you. And maybe next time they will be better equipped to actually care. Or not. But you probably didn't alienate anyone. And you would be surprised how easily [most] people drop their silly suggestions, once you have made it clear you heard them and thanked them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For anyone who remains, give them a real conversation, which is what they really want (they don't actually care if your spouse follows their uncle's exercise program, they just didn't know what else to say). Me, I usually just launch into an explanation of the feeling I just expressed in my tone and body language, as best I can (which is usually pretty poorly). Sometimes, I skip that part, and go right into something along the lines of &quot;you know, actually, there is something I have needed to ask...&quot; But no matter what I say next, the conversation and its tone has changed. That is why it was important to have a list of things you need, so you can keep the conversation here, instead of slowly drifting back to awkward, where they fill the silence with nonsense about how they heard the sickness was caused by plastic in water bottles. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found that, once I have had a few real conversations with someone, I can much more easily gauge what they mean, and they are far less likely to bring up nonsense. As a matter of fact, I will sometimes even enlist their help, after a few conversations, in trying to stop the horrible suggestions. When I have 30 minutes with someone who has actually helped, whom I trust, I will sometimes try to explain to them exactly how much it hurts to have people try to armchair quarterback the one thing I have been pouring all of my time and effort into for years, the one thing that matters most, the one thing that I can truly say I am the world expert on. And you will be the world expert on caring for your husband. They never get it, not really, but usually they kind of understand. They already know you need and want help, and will probably feel the pain you are expressing. At least, they probably won't bring up stupid ideas again themselves, or act like they know all the answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if someone is already in a deep or emotional conversation with me, before they bring up advice, &quot;Thank you&quot; isn't as effective. Not to say it can't be used in the middle of a conversation, just that it isn't useful unless you can actually elevate the perceived meaningfulness of the conversation. If it has already been deep, like when they were consoling me about a death in my family, and then out of the blue tell me I should put my wife in a nursing home and get on with my life, &quot;Thank you&quot; doesn't really cut it. It hurts more in those cases, a lot more, and elevating the emotion through physical contact (unless that emotion is anger, which I tried to avoid displaying, but would probably cheer you offering them a right hook to the jaw) doesn't cut off the discussion, which is your stated goal here. What I have found most effective might be seen as manipulative by some, and I am not sure how I feel about it. But it works. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of reaching out, close yourself up emotionally. Get tears in your eyes (easy for me, whether the suggestion is just a dumb one or an offensive one, I was just insulted, for the hundredth time, this time by someone that I was opening up to and trusting, and you have a deep well of emotion you can't let out in front of your spouse anyway), say something along the lines of &quot;I just can't...&quot; (letting them finish the sentence in their imagination), and if they don't back down quickly you get out of the situation (go to the bathroom, to your car, walk outside). It is kind of the nuclear option, but it won't offend them. Probably. Some people, well... you don't need to be friends with everyone. So, yes, it isn't offensive. If overused, it is crazy, and will rightly label you as such. But if this is happening often, sincere conversations becoming people telling giving you unbidden trite or horrible advice on how to take care of your family, you probably need to rethink your choice in friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, that is my suggestion. I know it is a little more than you asked, but I have found it works in the short term to cut off undesirable conversations, but more importantly for me also works in the long run to avoid isolating myself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18232" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T07:02:20.307" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14926" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14928" CreationDate="2018-05-25T07:30:54.467" Score="2" ViewCount="317" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work in a company in Germany and I'm fairly new to my colleagues. Recently our team got a new boss. During a task that my boss performed he pointed out the the outcome was not to his pleasure and so I volunteered and fixed it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next day my boss messaged me a simple 'Thank you for fixing problem x'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I answer with a you're welcome? Or do I not because the message would normally not require an answer? Would it be rude to not send a message back?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18237" LastEditorUserId="12054" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T07:53:49.323" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T08:14:24.900" Title="Do I say 'You're Welcome' to a thank you message that would normally not require an answer?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;&lt;written-interaction&gt;&lt;saying-thanks&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-25T11:25:53.753" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14926" CreationDate="2018-05-25T07:47:24.087" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is perfectly normal to let the email chain end at this point, you don't need to answer, this would only push another mail into your bosses likely already overruning mailbox without any content.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to answer, if him verifying your fix needs a follow up action from your side, e.g. closing a ticket attached to the issue. I would then focus the email on that action, but a short you're welcome certainly doesn't hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10692" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T07:47:24.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14926" CreationDate="2018-05-25T08:14:24.900" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you volunteered and were apointed to fix it, it became your job to do so. Your boss sent you that message to show appreciation for you volunteering to fix this situation. You're in no way &quot;obligated&quot; to respond to that message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sebastian Proske has a good point that your boss probably already receives too many mails so he can miss any &quot;chatty&quot; mails to further clutter up his big pile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand you don't really do anything wrong with replying with a thank you. Just like if he had told you in person you would've replied with some form of thanks anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally wouldn't reply with &quot;empty&quot; mails like this though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T08:14:24.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14929" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-25T10:09:46.317" Score="11" ViewCount="7262" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have the following problem in the office: there is a colleague who, I think is nice enough once you get to know him a bit more closely. The thing is, most of the time he looks really grumpy or depressed. I don't really know how to read his face. He talks very little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We could deal with that (there are seven persons in the room) but he has this habit of slamming the door real hard. Not like some people do out of negligence, letting the door fall shut behind them. It's a glass door and he sometimes gives it a jerk in a way that the glass keeps vibrating for a second. There usually is an atmosphere of concentration in the office, but this behavior disrupts it badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I do not want to offend him. I think it's just a thing he does without even thinking about it. I just want to ask him in a polite manner to try and close the door a bit more softly but can't think of a way that does not come across as rude or as passive aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any thoughts on how I might go about that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18238" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T10:31:45.130" LastActivityDate="2019-04-05T19:49:32.213" Title="Right way to ask a colleague not to slam the door" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14930" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14451" CreationDate="2018-05-25T10:50:43.800" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been (and still am at times) the argumentative brother, which is a bit too passionate about his argument, not exactly at the same level as the situation you describe but it's a start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother always is good at defusing the situation if I (or the other person) go overboard. I'm gonna explain how he does it but first things first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your brother is abusing your mother.&lt;/strong&gt; He may not be an asshole but he sure seems to know how to act like one. In this scenario, tact is important but being nice is not, he has to learn that doing this is not okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that it's your brother so it is not easy for you but you gotta step up if you wanna help your mother. No tricks this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he starts to go on and on and you notice your mother getting agitated, give him &quot;the death stare&quot; (a smugish smile also seemed to work for my brother) and tell him :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey. Brother. Stop it. Now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be firm and calm when you say that, you are giving orders but you must also give the example and stay in control of yourself and the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he tries to create an argument with statements such as :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are defending her now ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why are you protecting her when you think the same thing as I do ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Come on ! I'm just teaching her &quot;X&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nah, F**k you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;State your intent and dismiss any argument, with statement such as.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What I think isn't important. You need to stop. This has gone beyond a reasonable discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may hold grudge against you, but it's irrelevant. You did the right thing and he will know it if he tries to rethink about what he did calmly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he stops his rant/abuse, use that occasion to redirect the conversation so that an awkward silence doesn't set it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If during your intervention, your mother tries to tell you that it's okay just look at her calmly, smile and say something such as :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't worry. I got this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after having stated your intent multiple times, the abuser still doesn't stop. Politeness can go out of the window and you need to go on the offensive : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't tolerate your language. We could have a had a nice dinner, but you decided otherwise. It is your fault and you know it. You now have two options, you can shut the hell up and try to be a calm and positive person for the rest of the day or I can call the police and get you out. Your move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is, we'll say it, not nice at all but I guarantee it will be effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also note that if he chooses option 2, you should actually call the cops, his behavior is intolerable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some things you can do outside of time of crisis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I advise talking to your brother, one on one, and explaining in calm what is unacceptable in his behavior. He probably knows it, but knowing people notice is important and will likely be a electroshock for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking to your mother about your concerns is also good, reassure her that you are here to help her and that your opinions have nothing to do with your love of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mother and brother are willing, some therapy session given by a professional would be advised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17201" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T10:50:43.800" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14929" CreationDate="2018-05-25T11:42:21.573" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;excuse me &quot;ColleagueName&quot;, the door banging so hard sometimes disturbs my concentration, could you please try and close it more softly? Thank you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if he doesn't do it on purpose probably you will have to remind it to him few times because it might happen again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10527" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T11:42:21.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14929" CreationDate="2018-05-25T12:15:37.263" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If he enters the room and slams the door, ask him immediately like &quot;don't you think that was too hard?&quot;. Or if he isn't afraid to destroy the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reminding someone of this shouldn't yet be offending. Start with a hint to make him think about that. If this doesn't help, slowly become more direct.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Try to not say that every time at the beginning, see if it develops to get better. It can help to avoid he feels too guilty every time he walks through the door. Such habits need some time to vanish, there is a chance he slams the door and reminds oh next time I should no longer...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he was a funny person you'd have a better position making stupid jokes about that. Such like &quot;&lt;strong&gt;BANGING DOOR&lt;/strong&gt; - oh colleague xy has arrived&quot; or &quot;has our next department exploded or is xy here?&quot;. But the way you describe him lets assume there is no big sense of humour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to discuss this with your colleagues, each of you should take turn to remind him. This doesn't make one single person the &quot;bad guy&quot; but shows that all of you are affected, this adds more seriousity to the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T12:15:37.263" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-25T14:54:28.720" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The solution, although it doesn't actually answer your question, is to forward the request to your boss and ask him to decide if it is a higher priority than the work you are currently doing. If it is not, he can choose to assign the work to someone else within your team or to go back to either the person asking for the work to be done or to that person's manager and explain that the department is too busy, at which point the managers can either argue it out or go to a more senior manager to arbitrate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To turn round and answer a valid work request in a &quot;no, I'm too busy&quot; way is never going to not seem rude, condescending or (at best) weak. If the work needs doing then &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; needs to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the request &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; valid (perhaps because the person requesting the work shouldn't actually be making requests of this type) then raising it with your boss (and thus indirectly the requester's boss) will stop the situation arising again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8481" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T14:54:28.720" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14899" CreationDate="2018-05-25T15:15:38.410" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the other answer has most things covered, but I wanted to address the &quot;I don't like where this is going&quot; aspect of your question. You are right to be concerned that such behavior is often a slippery slope and absolutely correct to tackle it head-on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who suffered with insecurity and I wasn't fully aware of the implications at the time. We moved in together and gradually her issues became apparent as she got more and more uncomfortable with me socialising with other people, especially women. Long story short, in hindsight I should have taken a stand from the beginning and not accepted her requests that I don't see or speak with certain people. Needless to say, we aren't together now and it's a lesson I learned the hard way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to protect your relationship (especially when living together) then you need to be mindful that it's not an act of kindness to give in to these unreasonable requests - you are in fact enabling what can be quite a destructive behavior and in the long run, it may damage the relationship beyond repair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T15:15:38.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14942" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14945" CreationDate="2018-05-25T15:18:34.367" Score="4" ViewCount="314" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently started a new internship and my team is composed of a few people (5-10). They're all nice, including my supervisor, but he tends to avoid helping me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I've asked him for help via our company chat, no reply, then  when I talk to him about it half an hour later he says he can fix it and will come right away (he really seems to mean it). He didn't and I eventually had to go talk about it again for him to come. When other colleagues ask him a question, he usually goes to them the second later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is that I evaluate my learning skills to be pretty good and I'm more than willing to get better in my field, only I don't want to look like someone who can't do anything on his own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What would be a possible way to reduce the number of times I have to ask for help and maybe take more of his time  for me to be able to do my work correctly ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18251" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T15:38:45.393" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T18:14:22.173" Title="How can I ask my supervisor to be more helpful?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14943" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14948" CreationDate="2018-05-25T15:38:16.897" Score="15" ViewCount="3273" Body="&lt;p&gt;I went on a few dates with a woman I was interested in at the time. After the fourth date, she decided we should just be friends, which I was okay with. That happened about a month ago. Since then, we've hung out several times a week (3-4 times a week), which I've enjoyed. I'm no longer interested in her romantically, but I do like being her friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, whenever we're alone, she seems to get uncomfortable. I think she may still believe I am interested in her. I've tried to dissuade her of this opinion by going on other dates and trying to be as casual as I can around her. I haven't outright stated I'm not interested in her anymore, because I figured that would be a really rude thing for me to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically, when we hang out, we're at her place. Normally, we watch a movie or TV series. If we're not doing that, we're typically playing a group game with some friends. I've noticed when we're watching a movie, she'll switch couches, get up and eat something, etc. She also avoids physical contact, like hugs and things like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;What can I do to help make the situation less awkward for her? I really enjoy our friendship and the fun we have together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17668" LastEditorUserId="17668" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T23:16:06.987" LastActivityDate="2018-05-26T04:42:40.977" Title="How do I prevent awkwardness between a former romantic interest and myself?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-26T14:54:19.250" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14942" CreationDate="2018-05-25T15:56:46.113" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing I do not see here is: what are you asking your supervisor for help &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt;?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll give some basic IPS advice for working with others.  I've managed people before, and it drives me absolutely batty when people come to me looking for basic help or for things that their teammates can help with.  I love helping with things that I, and only I, know about.  But showing people how to do something that there are YouTube videos, StackOverflow posts, Technet articles, and just plan tips on the internet about is a waste of everyone's time.  I expect my staff to, when they have questions, engage in a bit of basic research on their own.  If you're coming with questions and no research whatsoever on things that your supervisor doesn't need to be the one to solve, he/she is going to ignore you in favor of things that they need to get done.  That's an interpersonal issue and not a workplace issue, IMHO.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We want to encourage others to be independent, so I'd approach the supervisor from the perspective of saying, &quot;I'm looking for information on [x]; here's what I've found in my research.&quot;  Present answers, not questions.  Present attempts, not problems.  If you do have a question, ask for a specific thing. An excellent interpersonal skill is to, when there are questions, do some basic research and see what others have said or done.  That makes you someone who can work independently and not someone who needs constant hand-holding.  This increases your standing with others in the team and with your management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't make anyone else do anything, so don't focus on that.  Appeal to the other's need, not yours. When I need someone's specific help, I present them with this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What I'm trying to accomplish, relative to my assigned work&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What I've found out&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The result I'm getting when I try to implement my research&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How that result varies from the desired result&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A request for specific help or where I can do further research&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T15:56:46.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14942" CreationDate="2018-05-25T15:59:43.557" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;In these situations, I have learned that going to the supervisor every time you need help should not be the first choice. In the past, I used to go to my team lead for every question I had (because he is the smartest guy around and I didn't want to bother other co-workers). Eventually, he got fairly annoyed with answering every little question and wondered why I didn't talk to my other co-workers first and spend some time with them? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I was intimidated. Fresh out of college and the youngest person by 20 years. Most of them were brilliant to the point of giving off a very condescending vibe. I didn't want to bother them with my trivial questions and appear to be not up to the high standards I had in my mind. After expressing how I didn't want to bother my co-workers, my team lead would walk me over to people's desks and ask them to help me (and help break that awkward ice). I realized that most of my co-workers are a lot more friendly than I thought and were usually more than willing to help even when swamped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Establishing going to my co-workers first did a couple of things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It allowed for me to bond with my co-workers and helped me become a part of the team on their weekly lunch outing (previously was avoiding going).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It allowed for me to not ask my supervisor questions every couple hours and only going to help when my co-workers had no idea what to do, or when it was a serious enough matter that he(and she) needed to be involved in.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that your team is rather friendly, so use them as a resource! Show that you are able to do your own research, use co-workers, and you may find that your team lead comes to you on his/her own because they see you have found ways to get the info you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try talking to your teammates first. Then, if you still need help, you can go to your supervisor and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Bob, I was wondering if you can take a look at this issue I am having with X and Y subjects. I talked to Jon and Lindsey already and they weren't sure how I should proceed with handling it and thought it would be best to ask you. I tried looking up the issue and found that several forums mentioned the issue can be solved in these 3 ways. Can we set up a meeting to discuss this or are you free now to talk?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows your supervisor that you aren't using him as a crutch (which is fairly frowned upon in most industries especially software development). Shows you did research and tried to seek help elsewhere, and that those people concluded that you also need the input of the supervisor. Then you follow it up with respecting his time by asking to set up a meeting (most supervisors in my working experience are in meetings virtually all day) so that you can get help at a time that is convenient for him, and then you also ask for help right now should they be free to do so. This way you have everything covered and I found that this method to work the best when looking for help from a team leader.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T18:14:22.173" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T18:14:22.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14942" CreationDate="2018-05-25T16:01:15.987" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a similar problem when I first started my job. I was eager to learn and to work, but whenever I asked my boss for help, he'd take a while to respond or not respond at all. As a result, my first few weeks working for the company were a bit rough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what I did to overcome that:&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I googled everything I could before I brought an issue to him, making sure it was a problem or question that he had to resolve.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I asked my other coworkers for help whenever I needed it. One of the worst things you can do when you don't know something is not to ask. They should understand that you need their help, as you are new there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When I brought an issue or question I had to my boss, I did so personally, so he couldn't avoid me. You won't be ignored if you're right by him. (Note: when doing this, please make sure to do the preceeding steps first so you're not constantly pestering him. If done too much, this step will make you come across as a nuisance)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, what it all boils down to is taking some initiative yourself to solve the issues or questions and then asserting yourself when you can't find the answer. Whenever I train my trainees, I always look for people who are willing to ask questions, because the people who aren't afraid to ask are a good fit for the job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17668" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T16:01:15.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14947" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14929" CreationDate="2018-05-25T16:51:00.680" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tend to agree with the answer Val provided. The simplest way to deal with this is to talk to the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If talking to the person, for whatever reason, is out of the question or uncomfortable, you could try posting a sign on the door asking that people be cautious when closing the door so as not to disrupt the office. Some might find this to be a bit passive aggressive, but it might raise awareness to your colleague and he may stop on his own. It may also provide the additional benefit of your colleague not feeling singled out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17946" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T16:51:00.680" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14943" CreationDate="2018-05-25T17:04:57.547" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said that when you're alone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;she'll switch couches, get up and eat something, etc. She also avoids physical contact, like hugs and things like that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds a lot like she's trying to avoid giving you any sort of false hope or false indication that she's interested in you.  You agreed to just be friends, and if you're hanging out alone this frequently it seems apparent she really does enjoy your company - but she probably wants to make sure she doesn't give you the wrong idea.  Thus, she avoids physical contact (which some people don't enjoy with anyone, FWIW), she avoids sitting too close to you for too long, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing you can do is &lt;strong&gt;be patient and give it time&lt;/strong&gt;.  Continue to act as you normally would with her, showing her what you have to offer in a friendship.  Allow her to take whatever distance she needs while showing your character.  &lt;strong&gt;With time she will grow more and more comfortable that she can trust that her actions won't be mistook for a signal of romantic interest&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While there are ways you could speak directly to her about these moments of awkwardness, I'd honestly advise against it unless this issue persists over time.  If she really &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; trying to avoid giving off any mixed signals, confronting her about it could potentially make her even &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; guarded around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T17:04:57.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14949" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="14962" CreationDate="2018-05-25T17:28:26.593" Score="9" ViewCount="2105" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a 25 years old, Brazilian, programmer, living alone for 5 years now. I acknowledge some bad traits that I have such as excessive laziness, huge need for hours of sleep, very connected to money, addicted to games and YouTube (I could spend hours watching a lot of random videos).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the years, I find myself unwilling to connect with others' feelings and sometimes my own. I don't have a strong bond with family, I do not speak with my father (for neglect reasons), I don't have a friendship relationship with my brothers (one older and one younger) and just speak with them in family meetings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My only connection with my family is my mother with whom I speak weekly and see two times a month max. My friends are present but we all have adult lives so we see each other once every two months or so (communication is present via WhatsApp but always small talk).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The daily communication and interaction is with my girlfriend. We have over 4 years together, and we have a lot of history (good and bad), and things are often (not always) in a &quot;shaky&quot; state. We communicate, chat daily and hang out every weekend, but I can say a fight occurs once a month, and it can be small and we resolve it in the same day, or it can be huge and we spend days not talking to each other, or fighting 3 days over the same thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've begun group therapy, with 2 professionals and 1 member, and often I find myself not being able to connect with the other member's feelings, or even my own. I often use words like &quot;good&quot;, &quot;bad&quot; - and that's it. Sometimes my mother calls me and cries about her poor quality of life and I can't connect with her. My girlfriend said to me that sometimes she feels alone with me, or not supported. But despite my efforts, I can't seem to connect with anyone feelings. I don't feel sorry, don't feel bad for them, don't feel happy for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is starting to annoy me so much, mainly for the fact that I give everything I got at my work and often feel exhausted at the end of the day, not having attention for nothing other than something that I can be distracted by (games &amp;amp; YouTube). Sometimes this leads to fights with my girlfriend or my friends saying that I &quot;vanish&quot;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've done some research and at the therapy we came to a conclusion that I might have alexithymia, and this affects all my relationships. But I don't know how I can say this to my girlfriend or my friends/family in a way that does not seem like a excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18253" LastEditorDisplayName="user14435" LastEditDate="2018-05-28T16:53:48.907" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T10:14:22.670" Title="How to tell my girlfriend, my friends and relatives that I might have alexithymia, without making it sound like an excuse?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;&lt;brazil&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14943" CreationDate="2018-05-25T17:33:50.273" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Follow her lead&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like she prefers to keep some physical distance between the two of you; you can avoid a lot of the awkwardness by keeping that physical distance yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's perfectly normal for platonic friends watching a movie or something together to have separate parts of the same room. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit on a different couch/chair, avoid hugs, etc - even if you're a known hugger, you're getting signals that &lt;em&gt;at this moment&lt;/em&gt; that is not appreciated. If you are not picking up on those things as signals to give her some space she is likely to assume you are doing that intentionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastEditorUserId="3089" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T19:57:09.150" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T19:57:09.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14951" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8396" CreationDate="2018-05-25T17:48:44.997" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a problem?&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking those doing the mocking a question puts it on them to defend what they're doing. It calls them out, but not so strongly to make you come off like a jerk. It quietly reasserts the customer-employee relationship. It can be applied to many different, but similar situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6871" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T17:48:44.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14949" CreationDate="2018-05-25T18:04:47.673" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Start by stating that they (the one you're talking to, friend/family) noticed your odd behaviour. The &quot;vanishing&quot; or whatever they pointed out to you in the past.&#xA;Then tell them that you had this trait investigated by a therapist where the most likely cause would be alexithymia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By setting it up this way you don't make excuses. The other person did the noticing and the therapist did the diagnosing. Be sure to explain this in a &quot;matter of factly&quot; kind of way. If needed (most likely) explain what alexithymia is and let them (again, target person) decide whether or not that explains your unusual traits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Compare this to someone with a muscle disease who can't stand up or walk for more than 5 minutes. People around him perceive him as being really lazy because they don't understand it. If that person then states the fact that a doctor diagnosed this disease it'll at least let the people around him understand that it really isn't lazyness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does that mean he can just sit down on the couch all day and the people around him have to do everything for him? Of course not. But it does mean that the usual everyday tasks will take way more effort for him than for Joe Average. So the people around him might be willing to help doing a lot of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What those things are in your case I'll leave up for you to find out. I don't know what alexithymia does exactly or how to get around not getting empathy from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So start by stating the facts. What they noticed, what the therapist said, ... Then continue with acknowledging that it's a problem that you can't fix alone, or that you may not be able to fix at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="15789" LastEditDate="2018-05-31T10:14:22.670" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T10:14:22.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9708" CreationDate="2018-05-25T18:47:22.570" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my own company I would just say that they have the ability to do this themselves, and that I am available to show them how if they do not know the steps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally this enough. You don't have to mention that you are too busy. They should get the idea. If they push back, you just tell them that the feature was designed so that they could edit it themselves. It follows that they can and should edit it themselves. Not give the task to others, and especially not you unless your supervisor approves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would write something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi A, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I believe that B,C,D&#xA;  and E can be managed by your team. The tools should be available and simple to use. If&#xA;  you are not familiar with them, I can come by later today and show&#xA;  your team how to use them. I will be working on F as soon as possible as it is not covered by the available toolset. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Best Regards, G&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10896" LastEditorUserId="10896" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T17:11:59.170" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T17:11:59.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14958" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-25T19:35:29.880" Score="7" ViewCount="403" Body="&lt;p&gt;Context: I am employed full time year round, my wife is a teacher, so works full time August to June. We have three kids (6yrs, 4yrs, and 7months) two of which have been going to daycare at the same place since August 2015, the third is a recent addition to the family and started going at the beginning of the year.  Typically, to retain our spots, we keep the kids in daycare over the summer, but for 2 - 3 days a week. My wife is dependent on this time to get stuff done around the house and prepare for the next school year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our daycare provider is a lady that runs a small daycare from her house. She has no help, and we have been very happy with her. Right now, our two youngest go full time, while the 6 year old is only after school each day. There are two others that are after school only and three other small children. So five all day kids, and three kids that are after school only that will change to all day attendance once school is let out for summer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today, in a texting conversation between her and my wife (not sure who started the exchange) she told us we would only be able to bring two kids on Monday and Friday, which will be starting June 3rd. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize she has limits on how many kids she can have at a time, and she will be making more money by prioritizing full-time summer kids over us, but we feel a bit betrayed. We have been with her the longest. At the very least, my wife and I think she could have given us a bit more heads up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do we approach her about it?&lt;/strong&gt; I'd rather not have a dispute, after all, I don't want her to begrudgingly take our kids. As of right now I believe we will have our spots back when school starts. I don't know if it will be worth only taking two kids at a time, and if not whether or not we have to utilize that time to keep our spots. My wife and I plan on talking to her when we pick the kids up tonight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13064" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-05-25T19:42:19.887" LastActivityDate="2018-05-26T15:21:24.770" Title="How to approach daycare provider about reduced days?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14943" CreationDate="2018-05-25T20:04:10.467" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I upvoted the other answers because they're good, but I feel they're not &lt;strong&gt;direct&lt;/strong&gt; enough. I've had several of these experiences in my life - on both ends - and the best thing that has worked for me is &lt;em&gt;being direct&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She said she just wants to be friends. You agree with that. Why not reinforce the idea that you're okay with that fact by saying something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey XYZ, I just want you to know that I really enjoy our friendship and want to make it clear that I'm not interested in anything beyond that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had positive reactions from making this kind of statement, and have reacted positively to it. There was a girl I was really interested in a few years ago, but a difference in religious beliefs (which are very important to her) put the brakes on anything further than friendship. She explained to me her feelings and I accepted it, and we're still good friends to this day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being open and honest is always a good policy. However, if you choose this approach you should know that some people are averse to this kind of direct attitude, and you may put her off. It's up to you to judge whether or not a direct approach would be useful for this particular case, or if a more abstract approach as suggested in Jess' and Bryan's answers would work better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2579" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T20:04:10.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14962" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14949" CreationDate="2018-05-25T20:42:42.760" Score="18" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But I don't know how I can say this to my girlfriend or my friends/family in a way that does not seems like a excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all: don't talk about it after (or worse, during) a fight about your disconnectedness. Choose a time when everyone is calm and receptive to listening. If you were to say this in the middle of an argument it would probably sound like you were trying to win by saying &quot;well, I have this condition, so there!&quot;, which is not what you want!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The best way to address it and not sound like an excuse is to reveal not only your potential diagnosis, but also what you are planning to do about it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some background... I have struggled with a few issues over the years like depression and anxiety. The first couple therapists I saw didn't actually tell me an official diagnosis, and eventually I said &quot;ok so, am I actually depressed, or am I just dumb and bad at life?&quot;. My therapist responded that the reason she hadn't said is because in itself, knowing the diagnosis isn't that meaningful. In fact, often patients would hear the diagnosis and say &quot;well, it's official, I guess this is just who I am!&quot; and give up on making progress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it: what does knowing &quot;I have alexithymia&quot; give you? A label. That's all! It's just a word to describe things you've already known about yourself for a long time. With my issues, I definitely felt some initial relief knowing it was officially &quot;a thing&quot;, but in the end, what's important is what you do with that information. Will it lead you to more effective therapy? Does it enable you to find resources? Does it help you identify strategies to improve your relationships?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those are the sort of things to share alongside this news. This frames it as a useful, positive development: you've discovered what it is, and so ____.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason people don't like excuses is that they don't offer a solution or path forward, only reasons why they couldn't stop the bad things from happening. However, there appear to be ways to treat alexithymia (for example, I found &lt;a href=&quot;https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/mind-guest-blog/the-emotional-blindness-of-alexithymia/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this blog post&lt;/a&gt;), and of course being in therapy would indicate you are interested in improvement :) So if you explain how you're working on it, it will shift from seeming like an excuse to simply an explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another story from my experience: At one point a mental issue was manifesting itself physically, and my parents became concerned. They kept pestering me about it, to the point where they secretly made a doctor's appointment for me and were going to take me there to get it checked out -- fortunately right before that happened I decided on my own to seek therapy. Since I knew they had been concerned, I decided to tell them what the issue was (which is when I learned about the appointment...). The conversation roughly followed what I suggest above:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, you know that thing you keep asking me about? It's not really [physical condition]... it's [mental condition]. I found this out kind of recently and I'm going to therapy for it now. It's not going to get better overnight, but I don't want you to worry any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, it was a bit more tearful than that, but you get the idea. She was relieved to finally understand what was wrong, &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; to know that I was actively working on it. Do be prepared to answer questions, as in your case my issue was fairly uncommon, and they may want to better understand what it means. In this case there wasn't a lot for her to do, but for yours you might include suggestions of how they could support you, if you or your therapist have ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T20:42:42.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14929" CreationDate="2018-05-25T23:29:34.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's beyond simple: The phrase you're looking for is &quot;Do you mind&quot; or &quot;Would you mind&quot; not letting the door close so noisily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The title of the question is asking for &quot;the right way&quot;. This is it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Absent other factors which haven't been mentioned here, like previous interactions which would make this a touchy or difficult subject for conversation, this is a perfectly conventional request format which should convey the standard level of politeness and neutrality. If you say this, you're not making it about the colleague's bad mood, you're not accusing them of being unmannerly, you're just pointing out a disturbance and asking for consideration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I do not want to offend him&quot; - Right, that's the beauty of these standard conventional phrases which we've inherited from generations past. Unless there's some other history or information here which makes you think that the standard request is going to offend him, go with the conventional standard mannerly phrase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, that's usually the best we can do, and we're really not responsible for unreasonable reactions on other people's part. If this person does act offended, that's an unforgivable imposition on &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastActivityDate="2018-05-25T23:29:34.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14958" CreationDate="2018-05-26T00:31:56.283" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand in situations like this there can be emotions involved, but as a business man I can only give you advice from a pragmatic point of view because I have no kids.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lower your weapons&lt;/strong&gt;, and she might feel comfortable enough to be extra sincere and let you &lt;strong&gt;influence her business decisions&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expressing your sentiment of betrayal will only get you a small leverage if she has an interest to avoid emotional dissatisfaction, her business model doesn't benefit much from a loyalty program or rewards only because she doesn't seem willing (or ready) to scale her practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the main subject that could be helpful to focus on for your conversation tonight. And given it isn't your own business, you can only participate with opinions and with your disponibility to make yourself helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given you have been in a business relationship for long, and given the type of clientele, she might already feel somewhat attached to you guys, and you are the main subjects she has available to probe market conditions, what I mean by all this is, she might be willing to listen and care for your advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So a fight wouldn't help anyone, you can help in many ways, these are just ideas:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being willing to be more flexible with hours&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Recommend a temporary affordable nanny to work in premises (her house) for the summer&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the current caretaker is so good you rather stay with her than scout the market for a new service provider, you could negotiate providing such nanny (full cost, share the cost, share a profit; point is, negotiate)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Invest in her business at a juicy share (less likely, but still possible)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And to take the unpredictability matter into the formula, consider the possibility there might be an unspoken issue at play regarding the behavior or interaction among anyone of your children with other children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-05-26T15:21:24.770" LastActivityDate="2018-05-26T15:21:24.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14970" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14929" CreationDate="2018-05-26T01:15:33.907" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to avoid conflict and don't mind taking ownership, I would suggest saying something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi ___, would you be willing to help me out? Sometimes when you leave the room, and shut the door, the noise of is loud enough that it breaks my concentration and it is a while before I can refocus. Would you be willing to try to close the door more softly? That would really help me concentrate and I would be a more pleasant co-worker to be around.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Key points:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's about your need and you're asking for his help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's his behavior that you are asking him to change&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's not him personally&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you are not judging him (as inconsiderate, angry, thoughtless, etc.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would stick with that, even if he asks questions like &quot;Am I being rude?&quot; I would answer back with &quot;It would really help me if you closed the door softer. Would you be willing to help me out with that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18266" LastActivityDate="2018-05-26T01:15:33.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14972" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-26T02:11:29.950" Score="1" ViewCount="1098" Body="&lt;p&gt;My co-worker and I eat lunch together in the workplace cafeteria every day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem I have is this co-worker always expects me to inform them that it is lunch time so let us go. We have been working in this company for about a year now, and every day they expect me to invite.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure this is trivial, but I still feel that, at least once in a while, the other person should also invite. Once I told about this,  the person replied, since my cubicle is little bit closer to cafeteria, you should invite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I simply stop inviting my co-worker to lunch, it might damage our relationship since this pattern has been going on for about a year. I don't want to keep inviting them every day if they do not bother to invite even once. The co-worker's behavior seems rude to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I want to keep having lunch every day with my co-worker and I don't want to damage our relationship. What can I say to my co-worker so that I don't have to (always) be the one to call attention to lunchtimes?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18268" LastEditorUserId="10573" LastEditDate="2018-05-26T16:47:13.590" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T18:11:37.357" Title="How do I stop prompting a co-worker to go to lunch?" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14943" CreationDate="2018-05-26T04:42:40.977" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Take a page out of the womens play book. Instead of saying that you are not interested in her romantically anymore (which I agree sounds somewhat wrong to state outright unless asked), use these two things that women regularily employ to make it clear to a guy that he is solidly in the friend zone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;State what a great friend she is. Since you didn't state your country, this works best if your native language has two different words for friends and girlfriends. But the basic principle applies in any language. Use &quot;friendship&quot; in english, for example. &quot;I really enjoy our friendship.&quot;  - if you ever hear that from a women, you are 100% in the friend zone and never getting out. Use the same kind of phrases.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Discuss other romantic interests you have with her, ask for her advise, etc. - when you become her wingman or she yours, you are so much out of being a potential candidate, words don't do it justice.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-05-26T04:42:40.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14981" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-26T16:08:30.247" Score="1" ViewCount="864" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am British, in my mid-twenties, and in a pretty well paying job. My wife is Chinese, a few years older than me, and while having a moderately well paying job previously is currently is a student. We've been married for four years now, and she has no savings of her own, and as such she relies on me for her finances. We live in the UK, and generally our marriage is in good shape.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was brought up in a middle-class family -- not poor, but I still certainly couldn't have everything I wanted as a kid. This has led me to always seek justification before spending. That's not to say I won't splash out on expensive items -- I will, but I have to be confident that there's a good reason for spending the money first. For example, I sim race a lot and so have a fairly expensive wheel and pedal set, but I felt this was justified as I was spending a lot of time on this activity and thought (correctly) it would increase my enjoyment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife has a different way of thinking about money. She enjoys shopping and buying new things, but she thinks much more about the quality of items rather than the price. This would be fine in a field I'm comfortable with and understand the quality difference -- for example, when buying a new computer -- but in fields like jewellery and clothes, I find it very hard to quantify the benefits of spending a lot more in order to get higher quality. My wife correctly complains that I am only comfortable spending money based on my own thinking process, even if she is the one the purchase is for. This results in arguments when the item is not something I know enough about to quantify the benefits of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've suggested giving her a budget each month for spending with no restrictions on what's purchased with it, but she says that this would still stress her out as now she would always have to put money in the equation when deciding what to purchase. The truth is that I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; earn a lot of money for my age and we save a lot of money as it is, so I could likely afford these items, but I find it hard to bring myself to spend money that I don't understand the justification for spending. Asking her what she would do in my position if the roles were reversed, she says she wouldn't impose any restrictions on me, which may well be true, but I'm uneasy going that far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want our differences in spending philosophy to affect our relationship, but I also am concerned about the ramifications about giving someone free access to my finances, even my own wife. We've discussed that we would keep our finances separate many times in the past, and I already percieve that I allow her more financial leeway than I generally allow myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Am I being unreasonable? What haven't I tried that might be helpful?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18275" LastActivityDate="2018-05-27T05:39:21.440" Title="Coping with different spending philosophies in a marriage" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;china&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-05-26T19:28:58.323" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14982" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-26T17:09:04.247" Score="1" ViewCount="1088" Body="&lt;p&gt;Someone posted a response to a question on a Q&amp;amp;A website known was Quora (you may have heard of it). The credentials on his profile indicate that he possibly may be a credible person. However, I still wish to confirm, so what is the best way I can ask where the person got his information from without sounding as if the respondent doesn't know much about the topic? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18276" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-05-27T22:31:31.433" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T19:56:11.493" Title="How to politely ask someone where they got the stated information from?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14981" CreationDate="2018-05-26T17:45:22.397" Score="-4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This would be fine in a field I'm comfortable with and understand the quality difference -- for example, when buying a new computer -- but in fields like jewellery and clothes, I find it very hard to quantify the benefits of spending a lot more in order to get higher quality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;That's not to say I won't splash out on expensive items -- I will, but I have to be confident that there's a good reason for spending the money first. For example, I sim race a lot and so have a fairly expensive wheel and pedal set, but I felt this was justified as I was spending a lot of time on this activity and thought (correctly) it would increase my enjoyment.&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quite frankly, it's not fair to your wife to use &quot;I understand the desire behind this luxury purchase&quot; as a deciding factor. As I've learned time and time again, just because I don't understand a hobby it doesn't mean that the hobby is meaningless. I'm going to take you at your word that there is a difference between your expensive wheel and pedal set, despite the fact that this makes no sense to me. You should take your wife at her word that the difference between expensive and cheap jewellery is not meaningless. And you should also read about fashion; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/arts-and-entertainment/wp/2018/05/19/meghan-markles-givenchy-wedding-gown-was-beautiful-but-the-woman-wearing-it-was-unforgettable/?noredirect=on&amp;amp;utm_term=.a23a85f5f6c4&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;a good place to start would be this article about the royal wedding&lt;/a&gt;. Fashion is actually quite interesting, and knowing more about it would help you connect with your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main thing you should consider as far as your finances go is fairness. You and your wife are supposed to be equal partners; that's what marriage means. It's not fair for you to spend more on luxury purchases than your wife if your wife wants to spend the same amount. That means you have an unequal relationship and that will only cause problems down the line. If you want to have a budget for how much your wife spends on luxury purchases: a budget seems completely reasonable but it's not fair to make her have a budget while you don't have a budget.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the technical details of how to manage your finances (e.g. budgets, etc.) go see a financial advisor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18277" LastActivityDate="2018-05-26T17:45:22.397" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14981" CreationDate="2018-05-26T18:06:12.470" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;All you need is love...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nice sentiment, but not all that realistic in practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the biggest points of contention in any marriage is money. It consistently ranks in the top ten reasons for divorce. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8086312&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8086312&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Top_Reasons_for_Divorce&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Top_Reasons_for_Divorce&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner and I tend to have similar issues when it comes to spending. I tend to save and they tend to spend. They usually gravitate towards the more expensive options assuming that you usually &quot;get what you pay for&quot; while I'll tend to research and try to find a balance between cost and quality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What ended up working for us, and a number of other couples we know, was simply separating our finances. Separate checking and savings accounts saved our relationship in a lot of ways. We no longer had to argue about money, we no longer have to worry about what the other was spending or what they were spending it on. We split our hard bills down the middle and pitch in equally. They take care of their car payment and I take care of mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they overspend, the natural consequence of being broke till payday kicks in without me having to say or do anything. Because of this, they've actually become a bit more conscious about their spending. And I've been able to spend a little more freely because I'm not worried about keeping a reserve to accommodate their spending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this may seem unconventional to some with more &quot;traditional&quot; views on relationships and marriage, but it works. It pretty much eliminated our financial arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-05-27T05:39:21.440" LastActivityDate="2018-05-27T05:39:21.440" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14995" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14972" CreationDate="2018-05-27T13:49:31.073" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I understand correctly, you have to walk past your coworker's desk every day on your way to the caf. When you do, you say something like &quot;lunch?&quot; and the coworker gets up and joins you. Even though you like having lunch with this person, it's starting to feel like an unreturned invitation that it's always you. OK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try just sitting at your desk a little longer than usual instead of getting up right at lunchtime.(Have a big breakfast that day.) Would your coworker just sit there for 30 minutes getting hungrier and hungrier, or would they message you and say &quot;hey, lunch!&quot; after a while? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could even ask them to remind you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tomorrow I am going to be debugging all morning. I get so zoned out. Can you message me at noon to remind me to stop and eat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This is different from the vaguer &quot;I would like you to be the one to notice it is lunchtime once in a while&quot; because it's specifically about a single day.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the coworker has prompted you a few times you should be able to get into a pattern where sometimes you just get up from your desk and head to the caf, stopping by their desk on the way and saying &quot;lunch?&quot; and other times they message you &quot;it's lunchtime&quot; and then you get up and head to their desk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-05-27T13:49:31.073" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14972" CreationDate="2018-05-27T20:17:28.560" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1. Joke about it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it’s kind of an absurd situation, you could make fun of it. Think about a funny way of announcing lunch time, like buying a bell and ringing it in front of his desk. It could make the experience much lighter to you and give him ideas to do it as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2. I’ll do that, but you do this&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him in a funny way : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I officially accept to be your lunch-alarm, BUT you have to be the coffee-alarm (meeting-alarm / whatever) since you are closer to the coffee machine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 3. Ask him gently&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know I’m closer to the lunch place but it would be such a pleasure to me if you invite me to lunch from time to time :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But remember&lt;/strong&gt;, I’m almost certain that he doesn’t realise you’re taking it this way and if he did he would invite you as well. For this reason I think option 3 is the best. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17466" LastEditorUserId="17466" LastEditDate="2018-05-27T21:48:37.533" LastActivityDate="2018-05-27T21:48:37.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14998" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-27T20:27:44.863" Score="3" ViewCount="1701" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was at a restaurant yesterday and one person on the table next to us was so loud that they sounded as if sat right at our own table, an annoying companion you could say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regularly, loud people are not too bothersome of an issue as to not being able to enjoy a meal, and you can even crack a joke at their expense, but this person was being rude to their own fellows, made me cringe from how she talked to one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if that wasn't the case, sometimes the occasion calls for a more intimate or at least a slightly more comfortable and calm atmosphere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I'm alone reading or writing or whatever and the restaurant is not that fancy, I move tables by myself taking the main things with me. I've noticed sometimes the waiters are very helpful and immediately start moving the rest of things, other times they sort of look like they're not sure how to handle the situation, I'm guessing it was because they have assigned tables and I moved to some area they're not responsible for? Additionally, having a company increases the complexity of that fórmula.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the proper elegant way to do this without exhibiting I'm sort of a brutish man used to middle age pirate taverns?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Objective:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I'm looking for proper &lt;strong&gt;comprehensive procedure&lt;/strong&gt; that covers manners, class, chivalry, spatial management (avoiding clumsy perception) and considers the sensibilities of the people I'm addressing without coming up as snobbish, that would be not only the waiter, but also and &lt;em&gt;most specially my companions&lt;/em&gt; to avoid awkwardness and handle myself elegantly in a fancy setup or even sustaining a remarkable impression regardless of the setup being extremely fancy or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="12538" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T14:02:28.107" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T14:02:28.107" Title="What's the proper etiquette to be relocated from table at a restaurant?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="14999" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14998" CreationDate="2018-05-27T20:51:46.430" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having worked in more than a few restaurants in my younger days, I would recommend asking your server to move you to another table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you've guessed most restaurants break up their dining rooms into sections. Each server is assigned to a certain section of somewhere between 3-10 tables, depending on the style of service they provide and how many seats per table. They'll tend to be a little put off if you move on your own to a different section because that section may be assigned to another server and it screws up their seating rotation, or whatever system they use to make sure that the servers get a roughly equal share of customers. Servers can be very territorial about their sections because each table in their section is a potential tip. So... If you up and relocate on your own, you may inadvertently cause a conflict between two or more servers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Restaurants that work on a tip-share system usually won't have these issues because all of the servers are pooling and equally dividing their tips at the end of the shift. This may explain why some servers are more helpful than others when you want to move. Or they may simply be a little more professional about it because they're kinda supposed to be regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all that in mind. If someone at a nearby table is being too loud, just discreetly ask your server if you can move to another table. They'll most likely move you right away and/or deal with the patrons who are being too loud. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking lets the server know why you want to move and gives them a chance to square it with the other servers on the floor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask and they decline, ask to speak with a manager. The manager will most likely be very accommodating and may even comp your drinks or give you something extra for your inconvenience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for addressing your companions, again it's as simple as asking. It may show a little more &lt;em&gt;class&lt;/em&gt; not to point to the source of the noise, with a &quot;Wow! That person is &lt;strong&gt;awfully&lt;/strong&gt; loud&quot;. Your companions have ears too, so they're likely aware of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's a little loud over here, would you all mind if we moved to another table?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, based on their response, follow through by discreetly asking your server to move you all to a new table. Again, you don't need to point to the person, or persons who are being loud, your server will be able to hear them as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's a little loud here, could we be moved to another table?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="12538" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T12:24:36.577" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T12:24:36.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-05-27T22:57:00.133" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's nothing dishonest about accepting a business card that you will never look at again. Well, nothing more dishonest than any of the other polite gestures people routinely make. Like saying, &quot;Have a nice day&quot; when you really don't care whether the person has a nice day or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I regularly see ads for business cards that say &quot;500 for $10&quot; or such prices. Business cards cost maybe 2 cents each. It's not like the person is going to some major expense when they give you a card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Refusing to talk someone's card is rather rude, effectively saying, &quot;I can't imagine why I would ever want to speak to you again.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the gain? I remember years ago seeing one of those advice columns in the newspaper, Dear Abby or some such, where someone wrote in asking what to do about a relative who was constantly giving her family cheap presents. Like he'd get give-aways from salesmen and fairs and then give them to her kids for birthday presents. The columnist replied that it cost her nothing to accept his cheap gifts and throw them away, and there was nothing to be gained by refusing to accept them. She'd insult her relative and, for what?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you refuse a card, you risk insulting the person offering it. What's the up side? You save the 3 seconds of your time it would take to throw it away? But you probably spend more time than that making polite excuses why you don't want it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose if you're a very serious environmentalist, you might say that accepting these cards and throwing them away is unnecessary pollution. That's about the only half-way valid reason I can think of. (I suddenly wonder: does Al Gore hand out business cards? If so, is he careful not to give them to people who will probably throw them away. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-05-27T22:57:00.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14998" CreationDate="2018-05-27T23:58:49.953" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'ver spent a lot of time working in restaurants. Let me start out by saying, &quot;This is a known issue/procedure with restaurant staff.&quot;  They generally, especially on a busy night, see at least one table that wants to move for whatever reason, whether it's loud neighbors, proximity to kitchen or restrooms, dislike of the server, or just plain wanting something different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At a restaurant where &lt;em&gt;they seat you&lt;/em&gt;, management is supposed to keep a balance between the servers to one doesn't get overloaded while others have nothing to do.  So moving yourself can cause (a small bit of) upset to that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To get moved to a different table, there are several ways to do it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;First of all, &lt;strong&gt;when you get seated&lt;/strong&gt;, you can ask the host. They see this all the time and are used to it. &quot;I'm sorry, is it possible to sit over there?&quot;  and indicate where you would like to sit. Unless there's a reason to not seat you there (server recently took a large table, section is closed, table is not clean), the staff will as a rule comply and not think anything of the request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Once sitting&lt;/strong&gt;, if the table is not to your liking, you can approach the host and say, &quot;I'm sorry, the table I'm at is not working for me. Would it be possible to move to another table?&quot; If you know where you'd like to move to, indicating that would help. If you just want to move, then anywhere will do. Remember, it's the hosts's job to seat people in a way that works for everyone. So they'd as a rule be happy to help you move. Also, when they do that, they usually inform the servers that you have been moved and arrange transferring responsibility for you to the new server, if needed. (Moving by yourself sometimes leaves 2 servers thinking, &quot;the other one is taking care of them...&quot;, leaving you with no service at all.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to approach the host, you can ask the server at any time during your visit.  Merely ask if you could move. If they haven't done much for you yet, you may get a new server. Otherwise, if they've taken your order and brought out drinks, you'll most likely keep that server. Either way, it's a known event to servers so not a surprise to them. Remember, it's their job to maximize your experience there; leaving you unhappy with your table does not do that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll &lt;strong&gt;notice&lt;/strong&gt; that at no time did I say to explain why. You can certainly do that; that will help resolve the issue. Generally, especially when it's busy or someone's really loud anyway, no one hears what's going on at your table. So it's safe to explain to either the host or server, &quot;I'm sorry, this table won't work for me.  It's too loud here.&quot; That will help them find you quieter seating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is to be polite - polite patrons as a rule have a much better experience than rude ones. Rude ones get exactly what they ask for more often - but generally &lt;em&gt;nothing more&lt;/em&gt;. Polite ones may not get exactly what they want, but the staff will generally work harder to ensure a pleasant experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="18317" LastEditDate="2018-05-30T17:04:31.367" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T17:04:31.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14824" CreationDate="2018-05-28T01:57:41.487" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many other answers already correctly point out why what you said sounded rude.  I want to address a more fundamental issue.  There is a rule in communications that says the responsibility for people understanding the message is not a responsibility that is shared equally between the sender of the message and the recipient.  Instead, the responsibility for a message being clear and unambiguous rests solely with the sender of the message.  It is not up to the recipient of the message to try to determine what you intended.  If something in you message can be interpreted in several different ways, don't blame the recipient if they took it in a different way than you intended it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your question you seem to want to justify your actions as &quot;cutting out the fluff,&quot; but the problem is when you do this you can make your message shorter, but you increase the ambiguity of the message when you do so.  The proper amount of effective redundancy in a message increases the likelihood that the recipient will interpret the meaning as you intended it.  If you choose to not include that in the message then you are responsible for the fact that the recipient got a different message from the communication than the one that you intended.  Clearly there will be times that no matter what you do the recipient will misunderstand the message, but you should attempt to minimize that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Verbal softeners and politeness goes a long way toward creating the correct atmosphere wherein the recipient won't report your email as being rude, even if they feel that it was rude.  If you choose to omit these, you do so at your own risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to be avoiding taking ownership of the situation.  If you don't correct this now, the next offense may result in the loss of your job, or a formal warning of some type.  I strongly encourage you to fix this so that it does not happen again.  I also encourage you to consider if it is in your best interest to remain working where you are now.  To me it seems like your manager may be getting fed up with you, and could eventually just want to get you out of the organization.  I'm not there, so I don't really have a way of knowing if this is the case or not, which is why I'm suggesting that you consider this possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you can enlist the assistance of a friend who works there to have them read over your emails before you send them out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4481" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T01:57:41.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15006" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15020" CreationDate="2018-05-28T07:04:13.350" Score="11" ViewCount="2706" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I got this situation going on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister is going to get married and doesn't want my father to escort her to the altar. She wants me to do it. My father has been told that he shall not escort her, and since then he's been holding a grudge and has been threatening to &quot;sabotage&quot; the wedding so my sister won't have any fun at it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The relationship between my father and us (his children) is not the best. Even now he often ruins family meetings for at least 1 person without really noticing, and seems to be pretty thin-skinned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I solve this situation with the following goals?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Goals in order of importance&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have my father attend the wedding without sabotaging it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have my father accept her decision without holding a grudge.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not threaten him in any way to force the points above.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer a few questions that are not clear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: Does he have an idea about why your sister doesn't want him to walk with her to the altar?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I am not sure if he knows all the reasons, but the biggest seems to be his look. My sister told me that she want someone good-looking to accompany her. because of this there is no way my sister would want him to accompany her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: Does he feel the same as you, i.e. does he think that he has a difficult relationship with you and your sister?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I think he knows that the relationship is not very good, but I doubt he realizes that his actions are sometimes counter-productive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: What arguments have you tried?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I haven't talked to him since then and I don't know what my sister used as arguments (if they even talked about it thoroughly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: What arguments are you planning to use?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: I thought about telling him that it's my sisters wedding and that it is her decision and I fully support her. Sadly I have no idea how I could get him to actually accept it and not act out on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: What should answers take into account?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: The main goal of any answer would be the goals stated above. I am happy with any input that can help me achieve all/some of the goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: What not to advise because it won't work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: To tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea. I only barely talk with my father (like once every 2-3 months for a few hours). He moved out more than 10 years ago and since then I have no participation in his life and don't know what's going on or how he changed (I am a bit introverted).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Feel free to ask any questions that araise and edit the question for language and format.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T10:07:05.760" LastActivityDate="2019-06-26T16:25:31.467" Title="How to convince father to accept decision without holding a grudge later on?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14854" CreationDate="2018-05-28T09:12:30.747" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I see it, the problem was not with you, but with your passengers. I would immediatley offer to cover my share I was in your car. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing to change in your behaviour is to discuss the costs of renting a car before doing so. And maybe even discussing that in the whole group. You were several cars, so I assume over 10 people? If you summed up the rental and the fuel of all cars, and divided that among all participants, that would be a fair way to deal with it, as you all get the same trip our of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me it feels like you could escalate things with your passengers, if need be. That is, offer to rent a car together, and if someone refuses, leave them behind. As you stated, there was public transport back, so they would not be stranded in nowhere. You state that this would be too rude, but being forced to pay for them is very rude as well, so I would think of it as a fair option!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4291" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T09:12:30.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15008" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15006" CreationDate="2018-05-28T09:36:46.100" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My foster sister has a very difficult guardian who's not willing to pay for anything she could need, even though he has the money and that's part of his legal obligations. He refused to pay for her education, and it has come to a point where he does not give her any grocery money or food and my siblings and I ended up giving her a regular amount of money so that she can simply not starve. Needless to say my sister really resents him and does not want to see him anymore. He struggles to understand that. I believe he doesn't see what he could have done wrong and how he has hurt her, because for him, &quot;she needs to pay for her own stuff because I paid for my own education and driver license&quot;. Sometimes people do not realize the harm they do because of different opinions about the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think one thing that might be useful is to have a discussion with your father and try to understand:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Does he have an idea about why your sister doesn't want him to walk with her to the altar?&lt;/strong&gt; Does he feel the same as you, i.e. does he think that he has a difficult relationship with you and your sister? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to try to understand why your father is upset that he won't accompany his daughter. Either it is because he cares about her and then, &lt;strong&gt;maybe he doesn't realize that he makes you and your sister suffer&lt;/strong&gt;, or he's aware of the difficult relationship between him and you and &lt;strong&gt;wants to accompany her because &quot;these are things we do&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. In the first case, I would suggest you try to explain to him that he has some behaviors that hurt you, and that that's the reason why your sister chose you instead. If your sister agrees, of course, and depending how he reacts to the announcement that he hurts you, maybe he could be told he could accompany her if he says he'll behave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the second case, then I'm not sure there is any other option than to tell him that it's your sister's big day and that she chooses whatever she wants to do. &lt;strong&gt;This decision doesn't prevent her from caring about him&lt;/strong&gt;, but she chose not to take the risk he doesn't behave during the ceremony. He might need to hear and understand this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, since you've warned your father is thin-skinned, I suggest you try to develop some skills in &lt;a href=&quot;http://nonviolentcommunication.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Non-Violent Communication&lt;/a&gt; to approach the painful topic with as much tact as possible. I hope this helps, and wish you the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-06-26T16:25:31.467" LastActivityDate="2019-06-26T16:25:31.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15006" CreationDate="2018-05-28T13:36:18.050" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Remember that you can't control how other feel or behave.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your father wants to sabotage the wedding he will.&#xA;If he wants to hold a grudge, he will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can control is how you feel about it, and I mean, &lt;strong&gt;doing your best&lt;/strong&gt; to fullfill the wedding with your father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't do your best if you don't explain clearly to your father that he ruins family meeting and why your sister doesn't want him to attend her wedding. It will be hard to decide to tell him all of this, but do it, or you will think for ever &quot;What if...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speak with him, give him time to think about it, then take action after his decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He still acts like a child =&gt; No wedding, but you did your best&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He understands and will behave correctly =&gt; Goal achieved&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, communication, even if it's hard, is the best way to solve problem &lt;em&gt;only if both part listen to each other&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17244" LastEditorUserId="356" LastEditDate="2018-05-28T15:05:59.410" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T15:05:59.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15013" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-28T14:52:05.450" Score="3" ViewCount="640" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 21 years old and have these friends who went to school with me. They were my classmates back then. We were close during our school days, but departed in our own ways once the school was over. We joined different colleges and spent 4 years studying during which none of them kept in touch with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the college got over, I got a call from an unknown number, mocking my family and their profession. I straight away recognized that it was them, because only they knew about my parents and their jobs. Also, I was able to tell because of their distinctive voices. I wrote it off, and casually asked how were they doing. Out of the blue, one of them (It was a conference call) went on to ask whether my X (my dearest family member) was still alive (in a mocking tone). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went numb and couldn't utter a word. My &quot;friend&quot; kept on mocking asking the same thing. When I told X is fine, he asked why is X still alive, and that X should die. He had never met X so I'm guessing he has nothing against X but just to mock me and sound cool with other friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I even tried telling my friend that such an act is totally not cool and that I don't appreciate it, but he asked me to go f**k myself up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good news is that I live in a different city but they live in my home city, where my family lives, so whenever I go to my hometown, I might face them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like I may want to keep in touch with them because they could be just doing it for fun, but I am deeply hurt. I hope they recognize their mistake. How should I tell them so?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18299" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-05-29T05:15:40.147" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T05:15:40.147" Title="How to deal with a friend mocking my family?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-28T17:54:02.437" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14982" CreationDate="2018-05-28T14:53:11.127" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tried variations of those multiple times, never got an answer that indicates that I wasn't polite or that I was rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks/nice/cool! How you succeeded in finding this information? I was also looking for it and couldn't find any source on the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's interesting, I wonder &quot;bla bla bla&quot; could you share your source so that I can read further about this topic?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to use the information in this answer in another place, but I need to supply a source for that. Could you share it with?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I heard people doubtful about it - could you attach your sources so it will be more reliable for them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It sounds you really know this topic! How you discovered it / Where you found that information?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, the approach I'm taking is to try not to sound critical; compliment about the answer quality, information, knowledge; and ask for the source for myself or for others that might be interested in it. Personally I think that a source improves the completeness of the answer, and it's best for everyone to have access to it (think about a situation where someone finds this answer a few years later and have another question or thought).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another point is, that it depends on what's common on that site.&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;Is it a rule or guidance of the site to support your answer by sources? Did the person who asked the question requested sources?&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;If so, you have a &quot;stronger case&quot; for asking for sources, and I think you could ask it more directly (you can state that it's to improve the answer according to the site's customs).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13736" LastEditorUserId="13736" LastEditDate="2018-05-28T14:59:43.843" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T14:59:43.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15016" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-28T15:54:02.363" Score="46" ViewCount="13846" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am about 22 weeks pregnant and it's getting to the point where it's hard to hide! I haven't told my boss or any coworkers yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a doctors note saying the due date etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a bit of a wimp and my boss is a man so I hate these kinds of conversations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be rude if I just handed him the doctor's note or emailed him? What would you say?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3833" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-05-28T18:26:11.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T06:30:01.750" Title="How to tell boss about pregnancy?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15017" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15016" CreationDate="2018-05-28T16:25:01.300" Score="87" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming you're planning on taking a maternity leave and then coming back to work, that is the only thing you need to tell your boss. Bosses like to plan workload and know if people are going to be away. It's not that you're sharing your personal good news with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, send them an email asking for a 15 minute meeting. Before the meeting (Before asking for it if there's a good chance the boss will see you immediately):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;find out what (if any) protected maternity leave you are entitled to&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;decide how long a leave you plan to take. Where I live, 4 months is the minimum and a lot of people take a year. But even if you plan to take 2 weeks, make your decision for now.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;find out about daycare options near your employer or home, and get on a waiting list if the length of your remaining pregnancy and planned leave total the same or less as the current waiting list length.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you do not intend to return to this job, there may be benefits (such as continued insurance coverage) to being on leave rather than resigning immediately. Understand all of that before communicating any decisions to your boss. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then at the meeting you say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need to let you know that I have great personal news! I'm expecting my first child and plan to take maternity leave probably at the end of September or early October. I am planning a leave of x weeks, so I expect to return roughly the nth week of y. I have daycare arrangements in place already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good boss will thank you and record the dates you said. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are asked things like &quot;when is your due date?&quot; you do not need to answer. You can say something like &quot;I believe I will start the leave at the end of September. If it becomes necessary to stop working sooner I will let you know. At the moment everything is going great.&quot; If you are asked about reduced duties, or told &quot;oh, guess I should cancel that training for you in August&quot; give a BIG smile and assure your boss that everything is going great and there's no need to make any changes or adjustments. If you get any kind of anger, pushback, how-can-you-do-this-to-me or why-didn't-you-tell-me-sooner again a BIG smile and &quot;this is great news for me, I'm happy to share it with you now.&quot; If you liked this boss I might have suggested &quot;now that I'm past the dangerous part&quot; or something more personal, but there's no need for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some bosses may ask you if you're ready to announce to the whole group and help you to do so (such as mentioning your projected leave date at a planning meeting in the near future) -- if you feel shy about telling everyone, consider before the meeting whether you want this sort of help from your boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep two thoughts upmost in your head all the time:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am telling my boss about my planned leave so that my boss can do longterm planning for the business&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't care if my boss is happy that I am having a baby. I don't need approval from my boss, my news is good no matter what anyone else thinks of it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Congratulations and enjoy the next 20 years. It's quite a ride!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-05-29T19:14:32.380" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T19:14:32.380" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15016" CreationDate="2018-05-28T16:27:55.373" Score="16" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be rude if I just handed him the doctor's note or emailed him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an employee, I've done similar things only to bosses (once, small company, 2 partners) who I couldn't deal with anymore (because of &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; really bad attitudes), and did it just before I quit (as all but one in a team of seven did too). We all did it on purpose, with no explanation, but we were fed up, and &lt;strong&gt;yes, we wanted to be rude.&lt;/strong&gt; We handed our notice without a word, and didn't answer any questions.  We were out, period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So I'd definitely recommend not to do that.&lt;/strong&gt;  It would indeed be rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, as a business owner, &lt;strong&gt;I'd appreciate if you would tell me as soon as possible&lt;/strong&gt;. Just be nice.  :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Hi boss, I have something to tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Hi Alice. How can I help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I'm 22 weeks pregnant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Congratulations!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, let's talk about you for a few minutes (be nice and &amp;quot;pleasantries&amp;quot; on both sides), then switch back to business, so that I can deal with the upcoming events and organize my schedules, team, check with you what you'll need, when and how you'll leave, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to be scared, unless your boss is really mean and a [ you name it ]. Be nice and professional, let him know, that's it. &lt;em&gt;But it should be a 1-on-1 meeting. Not by mail or just handing them a doctor's note&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T06:30:01.750" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15006" CreationDate="2018-05-28T16:57:17.807" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn't just any old decision, like what we're having for dinner tonight or should I get a haircut. This is a once-in-a-lifetime public thing. Every single wedding guest will see that &lt;strong&gt;her father isn't walking her down the aisle&lt;/strong&gt; and will draw conclusions from that, like that maybe he is absent or abusive or otherwise not really her father. Not a single person will think &quot;yeah, he's not as attractive as her brother, makes sense.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you, your sister, and your father sit together and you help them work through some questions. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;what does it mean to walk her down the aisle? Emotionally, is this a way for your father to show he is proud of her? Approves of the marriage? Is it a public &quot;father role&quot; that lets him show off a little to the friends and family who are present? Why does he want to do it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;what  does it mean to your sister to choose you instead of him? What does she get (other than the &quot;look&quot; of her ceremony) from making this choice? Why does she want to do it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is there another way your father could be honoured and included in the ceremony while not walking her down the aisle? Sitting at the head table, giving a speech at the reception, doing a reading or speech during the ceremony, walking someone else down the aisle, any other way?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;does your father really intend to spoil the ceremony because of his anger over not walking her down the aisle? After he hears her reasons? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;does your sister really value &quot;the look&quot; more than &quot;this is my father and we are following tradition&quot;? Even after hearing what it means to him?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally after this conversation the three of you can choose a solution that works for everyone, understanding what everyone has at stake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-05-28T16:57:17.807" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15021" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15022" CreationDate="2018-05-28T18:05:01.560" Score="4" ViewCount="3740" Body="&lt;p&gt;Backstory: About 2 years ago I became close online friends with someone over Steam and Discord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently (4 days ago) we got into a disagreement; I overreacted and he responded by blocking me on Steam. I sent an apology to him via Discord, including asking him not to block me on there so we could talk about what happened, but this was met with being blocked on Discord as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I take responsibility for this, and I feel both guilty and anxious about it. I'm really scared that he plans to keep me blocked for good. I've been told that waiting is the best thing to do right now but I'm tempted to ask a friend of his to ask him how he's doing and if he plans to talk again sometime soon, or maybe send an email asking these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How exactly can I approach him when I reach out (seeing that the initial apology completely backfired)?&lt;/strong&gt; I fear that when I try to contact him again, he will completely and permanently shut me out of his life. Therefore I am searching for ways to apologize to him where the chances are highest for him to accept my apology, since it might be my last chance to contact him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution can be about contacting him directly, or via his friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18301" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-05-29T09:14:50.107" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T12:39:45.873" Title="How to apologize to a friend who blocked me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15021" CreationDate="2018-05-28T18:48:28.427" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best thing when you argue with someone is to apologize, like you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It happens to everyone to overreact sometimes and thus you should not feel anxious about it. Since you two know each other very well, he might understand that you did not mean the words you said and finally forgive you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For now he is in control, and if he blocked you it's either to give you a lesson or because he wanted calm himself first before talking to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing now is to wait for him to digest the argument and accept your apologies. Depending on how far your crossed the line and who your friend is, it might take some time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it can be very frustrating to be unable to talk to someone and explain yourself, but try to tell yourself it is part of your apologies to give him a little bit of space. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already been in the exact same situation as you and the only time I could not fix my friendship is because I lost my calm due to the frustration of being blocked too long. So you get it, my advice is the same as your surrounding : &lt;strong&gt;now that you apologized, patience is key&lt;/strong&gt;. Keep also in mind that the unblock button is as easy to press as the block button. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you still don't have any news after a week&lt;/strong&gt;, then you could try to reach one of his friends. My approach then would be to try to take the heat out by simply saying hi and say that you hope he’s doing good. Doing so will give him an opening to burry the hatchet without any pressure from your part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17466" LastEditorUserId="17466" LastEditDate="2018-05-29T12:39:45.873" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T12:39:45.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15024" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-28T20:24:57.130" Score="1" ViewCount="2031" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an East Asian guy living in East Asia (multiple countries), and sometimes when I'm with a white guy, lets' call him Bob, for example in a cafe, canteen, or even on the street, a few girls approach us. In most cases the girls are friends or acquaintances of Bob, but sometimes they are just strangers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the girls approach us, they start to talk with Bob, and I'm fine with just waiting for a minute. But in many cases, they want to talk longer, and I generally get bored so I go away alone or use my phone. But this does not always work, since often I can't go straight away, like sitting at a cafe or waiting for the next class in my classroom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the problem is the girls are uninterested in me and they only want to talk with Bob. Usually when both of us had the first eye contact, the girls on purpose look away, as if they saw nothing. I'm totally fine with the girls not being interested in me so I use my phone while they are there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What annoys me most is that Bob starts to force me into the conversation or introduce me to the girls, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is (insert my name), my friend/classmate/neighbor!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I know the girls aren't interested in me, and so it is very uncomfortable to be introduced in such a way, in which case the girls usually grudgingly nod a little, or smile bitterly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another case was when Bob abruptly asks my opinion about the topic, like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How about you? What do you think? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I respond, the girls treat it as if I issued nothing, and all of them return back to their own conversation. These situations are very uncomfortable for me, and I rather want to be alone, without being disrupted, but Bob constantly wants to force me into the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I find even more annoying is that Bob refers to something I have in common with one of the girls:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(To the girl) Do you also use it?/Are you also that? Then it's the same as him! (pointing to me...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least I'm sure he does not have any ill intention nor desires to mock me, and instead he just wants to include me as he likely thinks I feel isolated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to tell Bob I don't like to join the conversation as I think the girls are not interested in me? How can I get Bob not to mention me or force me into the conversation? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Preferably I want to tell him in advance, before it happens again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1700" LastEditorUserId="10928" LastEditDate="2018-05-30T03:48:28.183" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T23:05:52.827" Title="How to deal with situations where Asian girls don't like me (Asian male) but want to talk with White guy I'm with?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;japan&gt;&lt;korea&gt;&lt;eastern-asia&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15026" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15024" CreationDate="2018-05-28T22:32:08.070" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you want to prevent such situations from happening in the future,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then perhaps consider hanging out with more than one guy at a time. It is easy to ignore one person in a group conversation but its more difficult to ignore several people, and if so, the 'ignored' ones can always make conversation among themselves. And if still, in a group of a few asian guys the one white guy get's all the attention from girls, they are probably not worth your time anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be more proactive, you can steer the conversation with Bob towards socialising and ask him what is his favourite way to meet new people or spend time with friends and acquaintances. Note his answer and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I prefer to meet new people in one-on-one conversations, that way I get to know them better. If it's a larger group of people talking, I'm okay with just keeping to myself as being in the centre of attention can be quite overbearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now Bob just learned something you want them to know as part of a naturally flowing conversation. This way, you don't have to 'tell him in advance' which would be awkward indeed. Now when any women join the conversation, Bob is already aware of how you prefer to socialise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If the awkward moment already took place you can try to say something like:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find it a bit awkward when you try to bring me into a conversation with your friends/ random girls who are clearly interested in talking to you more than me. It is probably because you look more exotic than me in this country, which is perfectly normal, but I would prefer if you just let us make small talk at our own pace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to tell him you don't have a personal problem with him or his ethnicity, because otherwise you will come across racist. Make it clear you understand how a more foreign looking person can draw attention towards them and away from the locals. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel comfortable enough with Bob you might try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If the girls don't seem to be interested in talking to me then just move on instead of bringing the attention back to me. It just keeps highlighting the awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or even:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find it upsetting/ humiliating when you try to be my wingman even when I didn't ask you for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to be prepared that Bob had no clue how bad he made you feel. Maybe you tried to drop subtle hints but grew more frustrated when he just didn't get them? Well the simplest answer is that he was probably oblivious to such hints. The truth is, many people find it hard to pick up on subtleties. You say this only happens with white guys. You should therefore consider that Bob was raised in a culture where people are very straight forward about what they think and feel. So when you address the issue with him be clear and straight forward about it too. Most people won't hold it against you and will understand everyone has a different comfort zone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after doing all of that, Bob continues on with his behaviour, then he is simply being disrespectful and inconsiderate, and you can't do much more about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10172" LastEditorUserId="10172" LastEditDate="2018-05-30T13:01:34.913" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T13:01:34.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15006" CreationDate="2018-05-29T04:56:53.223" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you are asking is pretty much impossible. Because as has been pointed out-- you cannot control the behavior of others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Goals in order of importance&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have my father attend the wedding without sabotaging it. Have my&#xA;  father accept her decision without holding a grudge. Not threaten him&#xA;  in any way to force the points above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first goal is tough, but I have been the Maid of Honor at many a wedding where it has been my job to ensure that difficult parents don't get to do such things. It's possible, but tricky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need is a dad-wrangler. Someone who he might be embarrassed to act out in front of (perhaps a friendly near-stranger, someone who can be nice to him but that he has no beef with).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my best friend, I sweetly informed him at the rehearsal dinner that the bride-to-be was worried about so much that I would be handling her phone for the duration and that any problems or questions he might have should go through me first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For another friend, I regulated the amount of alcohol that the mother of the bride got, ensuring that she stayed &quot;in the happy zone&quot; but didn't get enough to be belligerent. I did this by saying that she shouldn't have to wait in line, and getting all her alcohol for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At my own wedding, I assigned buddies to problem people, asking them to handle or wrangle those folks, keeping them amused, talking and out of trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A mix of flattery can help. And in some cases, not to be crass, boobs. I don't know if your father is married, but I have found that a pretty woman who can compliment a man on how wonderful they are being... it can really really help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wrangler has to be really extra good with people and know how far to push things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point two--not holding a grudge--&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one is less controllable. Not much you can do here. guy sounds like a narcissist, and it needs to be all about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;WAYS TO MAKE IT ALL ABOUT HIM&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) His little girl is getting married, and he's bravely allowing her to walk down the aisle with you because he's a gentleman and an excellent father. (Keep saying this, even if it isn't true).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) He'd never make a scene either because that would PROVE to her and ALL THE GUESTS she was right in her decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) If he asks if you support her decision, say &quot;I've talked to her. It's ultimately her decision but I know you're a good father and want to be there for her whatever way she wants. We're close and she wants non-traditional. Of course you won't make a scene. That wouldn't be classy and would just make other people present think less of you, rather than just that she decided to walk with her brother.&quot;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now as to point 3--&quot;not threaten him in any way to force points above&quot; You are simply pointing out what people will think of him as a result of his behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Throw him a bone.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See if your sister will give him SOMETHING. A father daughter dance for instance, would be a really good idea, something that puts him in the spotlight, without giving him a platform. (I would not let him to a speech given the circumstances).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastEditorUserId="16967" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T04:33:04.360" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T04:33:04.360" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15028" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15016" CreationDate="2018-05-29T05:37:44.683" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;As this is &lt;strong&gt;Ireland&lt;/strong&gt; please familiarize yourself with Irish law on your entitlement to maternity leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a good link : &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/employment/employment_rights_and_conditions/leave_and_holidays/maternity_leave.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Citizen's Information on Maternity Leave&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note the conditions on giving notice :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not delay doing this.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Notice: You must give your employer at least 4 weeks' written notice of your intention to take maternity leave and you must also provide your employer with a medical certificate confirming your pregnancy. If you intend to take the additional 16 weeks’ maternity leave you must provide your employer with at least 4 weeks' written notice. Both these notices can be given at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just set up a simple meeting giving your boss a quick head-ups &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; send an email giving formal notice of what (maternity) leave you intend to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that your entitlement to maternity leave is (almost) absolute as long as you follow the rules, so your employer cannot argue with you.  He may or may not ask you to modify your intended arrangements, but as I understand it (IANAL) you don't need to accept his wishes, so you are in a position of strength here and should have no worries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an employer he should be perfectly reasonable (if surprised) at this and not give you any trouble.  I think a quick casual conversation (knock on his door and give that's quick heads-up with a rough plan) will deal with the initial news breaking.  Then just follow up in writing and/or email for formal legal reasons with solid dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And beyond that good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="488" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T05:37:44.683" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8772" CreationDate="2018-05-29T08:14:16.820" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just yesterday I received chocolate the same way. When I asked why, he grudgingly told me that is was his birthday and changed the topic. Same situation happened with other coworkers afterwards, so it was obvious he would have prefered us not to ask. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So apparently its not always expected that one asks. Still, despite the counter example, I will continue asking. 90% of the time its a positive reason, and something they want to talk about. So lets give them the chance ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4291" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T08:14:16.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15032" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15041" CreationDate="2018-05-29T11:46:57.257" Score="10" ViewCount="1911" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in this company (and team) for almost 10 months now. Everything was O.K.: project, team, team-leader etc. But our TL (team leader) got a better offer from another company and of course, he accepted it. For few weeks we had no TL, but we managed somehow to keep working at the project, everything was cool and I'm quite sure we could keep it that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, as every team needs a TL, we have been assigned one (he is the leader of 2 teams now) and he and his first team decided to have a team-building trip for 2 days somewhere close to a mountain. Of course, now that we are his team, he invited us to join. It was very nice of him and all my coworkers accepted to join.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have something else planned for that weekend, it's organized by company so expenses would be from my behalf very low, it's not that I don't like my colleagues, I do, but I don't want to go for a few reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the other team will be there and they are about 30 people (compared to us, 6) I won't feel good. I don't want to meet new people, or make new friends. I'm comfortable with my friends and my colleagues (to whom I get along quite well). Also, there will be drinking, drunk people, smoking and loud music (things that I can't stand).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is that I've avoided until now a few team-building trips or hang outs and had reasons (except the ones above). I also did it this time (and want to do it further) but now... there was quite a wonder for the TL and team, so they started with questions. My final answer was that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have things to do and I wouldn't give up on them since it will be harder for me to do it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They were surprised of my decision (probably of my reason too), especially the TL.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, my question is: &lt;strong&gt;how do I avoid going with them in team-building trips or hang outs without causing bad feelings for my coworkers&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't like to be tagged as the &quot;asocial-guy&quot; or make them think &quot;He doesn't want to hang out with us&quot;. I want to make them understand that it's not that I do not like them or something like that. It is O.K, and even a pleasure for me to work with them or to chat when we're in break, but I just don't want to go in team-building.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how to I avoid the team building trips, but assure my colleagues it's nothing personal? I would like them to accept me as a &quot;don't want to come&quot; person, but without having bad feelings towards me (if that's even possible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13034" LastEditorDisplayName="user1722" LastEditDate="2018-05-29T14:56:32.080" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T09:43:39.660" Title="How to avoid participating in a team-building trip without causing bad feelings for coworkers?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15032" CreationDate="2018-05-29T13:53:09.907" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1. A credible excuse&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not want to hurt their feelings, you need to give them an excuse that would also make them not going at your place. Since it's not true, it has to be credible : wedding, best friend birthday, family event, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your excuse was pretty vague, it could still work but I'll go with something more personal to justify that you were vague about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2. Tell them the truth&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are comfortable enough with some of your coworkers, you could explain them the situation - that you don't feel good when it's too crowdy and that you can't stand being around drunk people, loud music and smoking. &lt;strong&gt;Moreover, you really don't want to be a &lt;em&gt;fun breaker&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dont hesitate to tell them that it's really not about them, that you like working with them and it's about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go this way, there is high odds that they try :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To know why you don't like crowdy places&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To make you at ease and convince you that you're not alone in this situation (X is not drinking as well, ...).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you need to prepare your arguments if you really don't want to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I already had a coworker that I got along with well, he was a bit like you and was always avoiding events for the same reasons. One time he chose the option 2 and I tried and succeed on convincing him to join us, and fact is he was happy about it in the end &lt;strong&gt;because he managed to be himself with others&lt;/strong&gt; and everyone respected his privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that diplomatically confronting your way of thinking with others benefits to everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Caution&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a lot of jobs, team building is part of the work and can be a high matter. So you need to be sure that your TL won't think your going against his lead and damaging the team-work of the company. In most of my jobs, organized weekends like this were mandatory because we were actually working during the day with some extra activities. In that case, and if you really can't take upon yourself, I would go for option 1 in order to make sure they don't think I'm unprofessional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17466" LastEditorUserId="17466" LastEditDate="2018-05-29T15:07:29.833" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T15:07:29.833" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15006" CreationDate="2018-05-29T14:20:51.620" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key here is that you cannot control your father's actions or feelings.  You cannot prevent him from holding a grudge.  He may do so even if he does walk your sister down the aisle because of some other perceived slight.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;he's been holding a grudge and has been threatening to &quot;sabotage&quot; the wedding ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Even now he often ruins family meetings for at least 1 person without really noticing, and seems to be pretty thin-skinned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given these statements, your and her goals are unrealistic.  He ruins current gatherings without trying very hard.  He will also be slighted no matter what happens, so we know he will ruin this event for more than one person.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMHO, you are looking to talk to the wrong person.  It should be your sister instead of your father.  I would advise her to hire security for her wedding with the intended purpose of keeping your father from attending.  Also they could remove a guest that attempts to disrupt this party.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wedding is all about the bride, some people don't get that, and some very self-centered people think it is about them.  Your father, from what you have relayed falls into the latter group.  So your sister has one of two choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1)  Hire security and do not invite your father.&#xA;2)  Have your father attending knowing full well that he will disrupt her special day.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Number 2 is going to happen even if he promises to be on his best behavior.  He does it at parties to which he does not come already offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was me, I would say to him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry dad, but you cannot attend sister's wedding.  You have already threatened to ruin the party, and you do so as a matter of course anyway, so I do not doubt your ability.  There will be security there to prevent you from attending and you will be prosecuted for trespassing if you attempt to attend.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the things that good parents try to instill in their children is that there are consequences to one's behavior.  It is difficult and painful when a child has to remind a parent/uncle/grandparent of this lesson, but it is necessary.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5061" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T14:20:51.620" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15032" CreationDate="2018-05-29T14:45:04.277" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how do I deny going with them in team-building trips or hang outs&#xA;  without causing bad feelings for my coworkers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't think this can be done without a solid, credible, medical excuse or legit family emergency.  These team building activities are very important to the company and &lt;strong&gt;your team&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I think you should go&lt;/em&gt; so that you don't negatively impact your social game at the company.  I am a lot like you in that I don't care for these types of activities for lots of reasons.  But in the end I bite the bullet and go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end the pain of going does not out weigh the cost of not going.  And sometimes doing these activities forces you to improve your social skills and helps you be part of the team too.  You can always &lt;em&gt;go to bed early before the drunks come out&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2018-05-29T15:35:59.957" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T15:35:59.957" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13363" CreationDate="2018-05-29T15:17:03.807" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm Israeli.&lt;BR&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I somewhat agree with parts of &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/3382/chancletaporelmundo&quot;&gt;chancletaporelmundo&lt;/a&gt;'s &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/13377/13736&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/13083/galastel&quot;&gt;galastel&lt;/a&gt;'s &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/13424/13736&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, there's a difference if it's a one time visit or going to be multiple times. If the former, it's easier to explain briefly your Kashrut reasons in a nice way, or just say that you're not hungry (if that's also the case). In the latter, I would try to explain a bit further to let them understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know about elderly Russians etiquette, but I had similar situations where the host tried to offer something that I don't want (for any reason).&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;In some cultures, it would be rude not to accept something from the host, and the fact the you won't let them give/do something for you can make them feel bad hosts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start by saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No thanks, I'm good, really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see that they insist or keep offering you can try to explain about the Kashrut, and that you still appreciate it although you can't take it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really appreciate you offering me this, it's very kind and it sounds good, and from my Kosher reasons I can't accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case you think they might be offended or you see they're not comfortable with not giving you anything - ask them for something, it will make them feel that you're more comfortable and that they can bring you something as the host.&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;It's on your side what you can ask, perhaps tea/coffee? (If you don't mind using cups in another house). Try to think with yourself what you can ask from them to bring you, in a way that won't make you feel uncomfortable or conflicted, and will also allow them to be &quot;good hosts&quot;. Think about what's important for you and the smallest possible gap you can close between your beliefs and your will to make the host feel comfortable, because &lt;code&gt;Proper behavior precedes the Torah - דרך ארץ קדמה לתורה&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a case they offer you something to take with you, I would consider &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/13377/13736&quot;&gt;chancletaporelmundo's answer&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13736" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T15:17:03.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14872" CreationDate="2018-05-29T15:45:22.453" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;So far, I am working on not responding promptly and happen to be &quot;busy&quot; when she wants to hang out. This is fine but I feel slightly dishonest since I am still kind of pretending to be her friend and am &quot;leading&quot; her on.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Continuing with what you're doing at the moment is probably the easiest and best way to end your friendship amicably. Winding down the time you spend with her and how much you talk to her. This gives her time to find other people to hang out with and wont come as a shock to her, lots of people drift apart after graduating.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were to confront this directly you would almost certainly be prompted with the question &lt;strong&gt;Why?&lt;/strong&gt; Unless you then plan on lying to her it would be incredibly difficult to come out of this without hurting her feelings. If I was in that situation I would feel lied to and that you were only a friend out of pity which would hurt deeply. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18317" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T15:45:22.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15006" CreationDate="2018-05-29T16:55:26.363" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is tradition that the father walks the bride down the aisle and presents her to the husband. A wedding is (supposed to be) a once-in-a-lifetime celebration, so this is your fathers only chance. Depending on how old and traditional he is, he will &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; forgive your sister. He may hold a grudge &lt;em&gt;for the rest of his life&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to look at it from your fathers perspective: &#xA;His daughter is getting married and &lt;strong&gt;he is not allowed to walk her down the aisle, without proper reason!&lt;/strong&gt; Bad looks or bad manners are &lt;strong&gt;not a proper reason to deny him this honor!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only reasons I personally can think of are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is an abusive father and your sister doesn't even want to see him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is currently in jail or cannot attend the wedding for other reasons&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He failed his family in another, very grief way and does not deserve any honor&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is not walking his daughter down the aisle, all wedding guests will think exactly that about him, and he knows it. The guests will ask him questions and he has no dignified answer to them. He will feel bad at the &quot;most wonderful day&quot; of his daughter and his bad mood alone will cause disturbances at the wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My proposal is:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No matter what, let your father walk her down the aisle. You cannot deny him this honor and preserve piece in the family. The walk down the aisle is just a few moments long, compared to the whole wedding day and the following years of grudge.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If his looks are a concern, make plans to make him look good at the wedding. Buy a tuxedo or similar outfit that fits him well. Schedule a haircut / professional shave at the morning of the wedding or the day before. Send him to a professional cosmetician.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;tell him unambiguously: Either he behaves and looks great at the wedding day, or he looses his opportunity.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how your father looks like, but you can dress up anyone. If he is very fat, there are tuxedoes that make him look leaner (&lt;a href=&quot;https://goo.gl/images/6jw54U&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;like in this image&lt;/a&gt;). You know Gildo Horn, the crazy singer who doesn't look good by &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; standard? Even he can dress up (&lt;a href=&quot;https://goo.gl/images/ADLhAU&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;see this image&lt;/a&gt;). It's not about measurable beauty, it's about the effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-05-29T16:55:26.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15041" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15032" CreationDate="2018-05-30T01:59:33.377" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the team building event occurs outside of normal work hours such as at night or on the weekend, it should be considered optional (Legally, it might be). The team lead (TL) should understand that building a strong team morale isn't about forcing team members to do activities outside of the job requirements that they aren't comfortable with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a couple of options here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make an appearance at the team gathering. Say hi to some people and skip out before everyone gets drunk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Decline this event and suggest another event that you'd be interested in for the future.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Decline this event and say that you prefer using your weekend to recharge and do your own thing. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend that you pull the TL aside and talk about having a team building event just for your team only. I work on a big team of introverts and we can always agree on going out and grabbing lunch together (paid for by the company).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T01:59:33.377" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15043" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-30T08:06:31.160" Score="0" ViewCount="513" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a long distance relationship, it is happy and there is a lot of love there, I am very grateful for that, I do have a small problem and am looking for any advice on what to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her and I have been together for 6 months officially (one year unofficial but exclusive) and have never gone more than two weeks without seeing one another, except for this last time, which has been a month. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We do have plans to meet up in another city in two weeks from now, however, I have recently hit a sprout of depression and am really in need of a friend (I live in a city where I do not know anybody and am still new here)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I reached out to my significant other telling her that I really need a connection and think I should visit early (This weekend) for a bit and just have a good time to recharge and feel connected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She told me she is willing to wait the two weeks, but will support me if I need to come and visit (She is amazing like this)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question here is this... It is really hard being in a LDR and I know it feels good to fill your tank with some love, especially when you need it the most... I.E in my depression at the moment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But would it be a good idea to go and visit? It would be selfish because I would be asking her to comfort me, when maybe she doesn't know how to, and then having me there may make her feel pressure to &quot;fix&quot; the problem... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or should I hold out for the two weeks until we meet at an airport in a new country?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18331" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T08:18:28.140" Title="Can somebody give me some advice on this long distance relationship?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-30T08:21:32.787" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15043" CreationDate="2018-05-30T08:18:28.140" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just like you, I am in a long distance relationship with my SO, usually, we meet every month, or every two months depending on our schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am able to wait that long, I know it is not easy for my SO, and, she sometimes needs to be reassured, or comforted, I also  know I am not the best in that regard. But I love her, and when she is sad, or lonely, I want to be here for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be selfish to visit early ? Maybe, but you also have the right to be selfish when in a relationship, since your SO told you she was willing to support you if you needed to visit early, I think it would'nt be a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are afraid that, by going there, you will pressure her in fixing a problem, I think that, if you decide to visit her, you should do it with another frame of mind. You are not going to visit to fix anything, you are going to visit her to spend time with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my answer to my question, based on my experience, would be : Since your SO told you that she was fine with you visiting, you should not worry about it too much, as long as you go there to enjoy your time with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you only think of going there to fix your depression, then I would suggest seeking proffessional help instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T08:18:28.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15032" CreationDate="2018-05-30T09:43:39.660" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I totally get your stand on this. I also find the things you mention objectionable. In fact, if I were to actually &lt;em&gt;see&lt;/em&gt; some of my colleagues drunk and acting like... well, like drunk people do... I think I would probably &lt;em&gt;lose&lt;/em&gt; respect for them, and surely that is the exact opposite of what a &quot;team-building&quot; exercise is supposed to accomplish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all that is involved is drinking and partying then really this &quot;team-building&quot; exercise doesn't sound much different from the annual office Christmas party. I don't attend these either and I know that I don't miss anything important. There is no real bonding or building - in my experience the people who were &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; friends just have a few new funny stories to share, and the only new or surprising developments are usually negative. Last time my work colleagues went out and got drunk somebody yelled an obscenity in the manager's face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite all this negativity I am going to suggest that IF there are genuine, work-based team-building exercises going to be held during the daytime, and it is just what happens after-hours that you don't want a part of, could you consider going along to the event and then just retiring to your room in the evening? That way you are not missing out on anything that may be useful for your work, but you can still make a stand and avoid the atmosphere you don't like. Worth considering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, if you don't have a good excuse not to go then &lt;strong&gt;create one&lt;/strong&gt;. Saying &quot;I have things to do&quot; always sounds like a made-up excuse, so give a more detailed reason. I don't mean tell a lie, I mean really make some plans! You said that you are comfortable with the friends you have, so call your friends and organise something noteworthy on those dates so you have an excuse. Your workmates can hardly call you &quot;antisocial&quot; if your genuine excuse for not going is that you have something social planned with your &lt;em&gt;actual&lt;/em&gt; friends!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them what you are doing instead, tell them who you are doing it with, and when they get back and talk about what a great time they had on the team-building trip tell them what a great time &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; had with your friends. Get your phone out, show them some photos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal experience is that while it may take longer for people at work to understand and appreciate you on a personal level when you keep your private life and your work life separate, in the end it is more worthwhile and valuable. True, I have seen people gain promotions and advantages because they were smoking-buddies with a manager, but these things tend not to last because they aren't really built on anything worthwhile. Keeping your dignity and reputation (which are always at risk on drunken nights out) are worth a lot more long-term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T09:43:39.660" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15046" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15050" CreationDate="2018-05-30T13:01:58.600" Score="52" ViewCount="28118" Body="&lt;p&gt;At work a few weeks ago, a coworker was listening to music with her earphones in, and I needed to ask her a question because a piece of code I was writing was not working and she often helps me debug things. I pulled her earphones out of her ear and she looked at me really angrily for doing that, but I think I might have caught her earring or something. She then told me it hurt when I pulled her earphone out but I always pull mine out and I have never been hurt once so I don't know if she's telling the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days later I needed her help again and patted her on the back and she said please don't touch me. In this situation I said sorry and she said it's fine but she doesn't like being touched (which is weird because when we go out for drinks after work her boyfriend is always touching her...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I need her help in future how can I get her attention? I think waving my hand in front of her face would be rude because it could startle her if she is concentrating on something on the screen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6279" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-05-31T19:46:20.117" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T12:20:46.057" Title="How can I politely get the attention of a coworker who is listening to music?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-30T13:28:13.983" Score="208" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before answering, there are a few things I think are important to address.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She then told me it hurt when I pulled her earphone&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you pull your own earphone, you might not be hurt, but the person from whom you pulled them this time was not you, but her. You might not have realised how strong you pulled them, maybe she pulls them in a different way, maybe she has extremely sensitive ears. The fact of the matter is, she has no reason to lie to you. So I think you should take her on her word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She doesn't like being touched&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you think it's weird because she has no problem letting her boyfriend touch her, but, he is her boyfriend, you are not. The boundaries she will set for him and for you are completely different. Most people won't let a friend or a coworker act the same way towards them as their significant other. A personal example would be: my significant other can touch my hair, but if anyone else tries to touch them, I will bend in every shape possible to avoid their contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to take away&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She decided to set clear boundaries between you and her and told you what those boundaries are, and you should respect them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to get her attention&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Several ways are possible, depending on the setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Send her a Skype message, or any other messaging you know she uses. In a professional setting, it could be any software used by your company to communicate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Write a note, and slide it slowly towards her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you SHOULD do&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, you might want to apologise, since she might still be hurt by your past behaviors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then talk to her about the situation and agree (with her) on a way to get her attention when you need to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why: it allows you to get her attention with a method you KNOW for sure will not bother her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3399" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T12:20:46.057" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T12:20:46.057" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-30T13:31:56.123" Score="162" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I pulled her earphones out of her ear and she looked at me really angrily for doing that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pulling someone's headphones out is a pretty horrible thing to do, I hope you apologized to her afterwards. Don't do that again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she said it's fine but she doesn't like being touched (which is weird because when we go out for drinks after work her boyfriend is always touching her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a large difference between being touched by a boyfriend and touched by a coworker, especially if you aren't close. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;think waving my hand in front of her face would be rude because it could startle her if she is concentrating on something on the screen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are right to think that would also be rude.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have an internal messaging system you can always contact her there to get her attention. If that isn't available and you need to make contact in person I would suggest waving beside her so you will catch the corner of her eye and not directly interfere with her work. When you catch her attention just mime taking headphones out and she will. If you can't wave while standing beside her I would lightly knock on her desk as if you were knocking on a door and repeat the miming gesture.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18317" LastEditorUserId="18317" LastEditDate="2018-05-30T14:42:56.747" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T14:42:56.747" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-30T13:31:59.633" Score="102" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I've found works best in my own workplace is to either tap on the persons desk, or wave off to the side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tapping on a desk/table usually works best&lt;/strong&gt; because the person in question can feel the vibration, which is more subtle and less of a disturbance than having a headphone pulled out or physically touched.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If tapping on a surface is unavailable though, try positioning yourself where they can see you.  I often have coworkers &lt;strong&gt;approach and &quot;peek&quot; above my cubicle wall with a short wave&lt;/strong&gt; so that I know they're coming. If you must approach her directly, try waving off to the side of her vision.  You're correct to assume it'd probably come off rude to wave your hand &lt;em&gt;directly&lt;/em&gt; in front of her face, so avoid that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these methods don't seem to fit what you're looking for, &lt;strong&gt;contact her via email/IM/etc&lt;/strong&gt;.  This is the most graceful method, as it doesn't require you to interrupt what she's doing in any capacity, and is as quick as saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;When you have a free moment, could you stop by my desk for a few questions?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T13:31:59.633" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-30T14:16:45.160" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask them what they prefer&lt;/strong&gt; - If the touching is a problem, ask them what you should do. Let them tell you what do to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, you told me not to touch you, and I won't touch your headphone (again, sorry about that), but I'm not really sure how to get your attention, what would you prefer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wave&lt;/strong&gt; - We just wave, depending on where you are related to the person. Try to aproach from the front or side. If you come from behind, try a little curve so you still come from the side. This is a very 'light' method and rarely results in a startle. It also allows the person to respond something like &quot;one moment please&quot;. Don't do this right next to the person. You can do this from a small distance, to about a meter away from the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Send a message&lt;/strong&gt; - We use Slack, but if you have some kind of message service you could use that. They can read the message, often in the notification, and respond accordingly. This also allows you to ask the question directly, or say what it's about &quot;&lt;em&gt;Got a moment to talk about X?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stand next to them&lt;/strong&gt; - You could just stand next to them, about 1 to half a meter next to them. Their peripheral vision should see you and grab your attention. When they notice you, they could take of their headphone. Be sure to not stand too close, as someone suddenly being in your personal space can startle you very easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tap on the chair/desk&lt;/strong&gt; - Just a simple *tap tap* will suffice. This is an annoying option, but sometimes it's handy to do so. The other people in the office might be less interrupted by this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A simple light tap on the shoulder/back&lt;/strong&gt; - Not a full touch, but a simple one finger tap. People are sensitive, a light touch will grab their attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DO NOT GRAB THEIR HEADPHONE. I would respond angrily as well, as you are &lt;em&gt;suddenly&lt;/em&gt; touching me, disturbing my focus and possible hurt me. When you wear headphones for a while, ears often get a little more sensitive because the constant pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="5504" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T21:19:21.033" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T21:19:21.033" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15052" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15055" CreationDate="2018-05-30T14:25:29.177" Score="28" ViewCount="22846" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other day I went to a small event which I'd agreed to go to with a friend of mine. She came with her Mum, who I knew, and one other person, who I'd never met before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since there were no introductions extended to me, I didn't know what to do and basically ignored this other person, as I'm rather introverted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the event was over, I asked my friend who this person was, and it turned out that she was a friend of her mother's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically I felt awkward because I didn't introduce myself to this person, so: &lt;strong&gt;How to introduce yourself to a friend of a friend?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in the Philippines, and me and my friend are both half white and half Asian. Everyone else at the event was American. I'd say that the culture is more western rather than Asian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18337" LastEditorUserId="18337" LastEditDate="2018-05-30T17:20:13.387" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T00:28:51.803" Title="How to introduce yourself to a friend of a friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-30T14:39:10.647" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although there are lots of good suggestions on &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; to get someone's attention without being too rude, there's no mention about &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; it's appropriate to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, what you're suggesting is that your work is more important than whatever they're doing.  Headphones can often be a sign of 'please don't bother me' if the person doesn't wear them all the time; even if they typically wear them, it can still be an indication.  Cubicles are particularly bad for people who have issues focusing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, if I'm in the zone, and someone bothers me, it might take me 30+ minutes to get my mind back to where I can be productive.  It's even longer when I'm working with really complex code.  So what to others is disturbing me for 'only a minute' might actually be an hour or more of lost productivity.  (and many months for the time when they kept pestering me because they wanted to talk about non-work stuff, I got angry, and that made it up to management on the same day as the Navy Yard shooting)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can, catch the person when they're not in their cubicle; maybe when they get in, on their way to lunch, back from the bathroom, etc.  I'll often leave a note on someone's desk when they're not there, and I've been known to leave a short written note if they're on the phone.  If you can't do that, send an e-mail / IM message / etc.  You should also try finding other people who might be able to help you so you're not always bothering the same person.  Some organizations have a group chat or e-mail list for specific languages.  There may be a mentoring program.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real thing to consider is that you need to get better at the task that you're asking other people to help with -- yes, that person might be able to do it in 1/10th the time that you can, but if they always do it for you, they're holding you back from improving.  (because explaining to you how they think about debugging takes &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; more time than just telling you where you left out a semicolon).  If you look online, you can find &lt;a href=&quot;https://blog.groklearning.com/top-7-debugging-tips-for-beginners-c4985e58302c&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;tips on how to debug&lt;/a&gt;, although it can be language/project specific.  (ie, you can't always add &lt;code&gt;print&lt;/code&gt; statements all over the place)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15936" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T14:39:10.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15052" CreationDate="2018-05-30T15:00:06.487" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Based on western culture, this may not apply elsewhere)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since there were no introductions extended to me, I didn't know what to do and basically ignored this other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be hard to introduce yourself if you're an introverted person, but the best thing to you can do is approach this directly. Walk up to them, extend your hand for a handshake and say with a smile:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi I'm User18337&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They'll shake your hand and tell you their name. At this point you can launch into a conversation asking them how they know your friend and general chit chat about the event you're at. Or if you don't want to chat you can just leave it at that, you've introduced yourself and that's the important thing. This other person might be in the same position as you, feeling awkward about not being introduced and/or not knowing what to say to you, so you'll be helping them out as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is too much for you or you don't have the confidence to approach this directly, maybe just have a word with your friend before the event so you know who's coming, or ask them to introduce you when you arrive if you're too nervous to introduce yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18317" LastEditorUserId="18337" LastEditDate="2018-05-30T15:52:45.890" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T15:52:45.890" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15056" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14929" CreationDate="2018-05-30T16:42:19.217" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps your colleague &quot;looks really grumpy or depressed. ... talks very little&quot; because of something at home or elsewhere, that's probably not your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;... he has this habit of slamming the door real hard. Not like some people do out of negligence, letting the door fall shut behind them. It's a glass door and he sometimes gives it a jerk in a way that the glass keeps vibrating for a second.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you object to the way he operates the door. He knows a special way to keep it vibrating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;There usually is an atmosphere of concentration in the office, but this behavior disrupts it badly.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's understandable, but does everyone agree or are only you disturbed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;... but can't think of a way that does not come across as rude or as passive aggressive. Any thoughts on how I might go about that?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to figure out the results you want and how quickly you need them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want to come across as trying to portray him as an unsociable oaf, whom doesn't know how to operate a door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were friends with this person it should be easy enough, but that doesn't seem the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll need to time your approach and decide how gingerly you want to proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach #1:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When he passes through the door ask if everything is OK.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it is not ask if there's anything you can do, if everything is great even better.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mention that he seems unhappy and has been slamming the door lately, it's come to the point where you need to bring this up; it's very disturbing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach #2:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell the boss, get them to resolve this. Suggest they pay to have the door &lt;em&gt;repaired&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach #3:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them directly: &quot;Shhhh!, there's no reason to be so noisy&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Approach #4:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried searching the Internet for 'door operating instructions', I couldn't find anything (except for a dryer door); therein lies the problem ... You could try making a label and printing it on to a clear sticker - calculate his exact eye-height and line it up. Stick it to the door at lunch or after work anonymously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did manage to find something &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; than &quot;Operating Instructions&quot; but it should serve as a polite and anonymous hint:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.pushandpullman.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/Hd7YP.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Door Sticker&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T16:42:19.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15052" CreationDate="2018-05-30T17:41:14.760" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are located in the Philippines, but you say that the culture is western.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to consider not only how you come across to the people you are with but also how you appear to others around you; if that's the concern you're expressing. You don't want to part ways and have everyone question your behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are &lt;strong&gt;short&lt;/strong&gt; excerpts from one award winning site for manners and etiquette, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.commisceo-global.com/resources/country-guides&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Commisceo Global&lt;/a&gt; - it's useful to have more than one opinion and to be comfortable with the advice, search for similar guides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that the Philippine approach would have been better, particularly the way family is viewed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phillippines Guide - &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.commisceo-global.com/resources/country-guides/phillippines-guide&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Meeting Etiquette&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Initial greetings are formal and follow a set protocol of greeting the eldest or most important person first.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A handshake, with a welcoming smile, is the standard greeting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Close female friends may hug and kiss when they meet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use academic, professional, or honorific titles and the person's surname until you are invited to use their first name, or even more frequently, their nickname.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;USA Guide - &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.commisceo-global.com/resources/country-guides/usa-guide&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Meeting &amp;amp; Greeting&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;American greetings are generally quite informal and casual.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is becoming more common in social situations not to shake hands upon meeting and simply smile or nod.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When people are introduced handshakes are common accompanied with a “How d’ya do?”, “How you doing?” or “How are you”? depending on where in the US you are.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Within business handshakes are generally expected when meeting and leaving.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pleasantries are exchanged out of courtesy rather than being genuine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rather than say “bye” Americans may also use terms such as “call me some time,” “let’s do lunch” or “see you around” as politer ways of departing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If introducing someone, use their full name and a bit of information about them, for example, “This is Larry Whyte; he works at the local school as a science teacher.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimers:&lt;/strong&gt; It is important to bear in mind that these guides act as basic and general introductions only. They are not in any way definitive.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T17:41:14.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15052" CreationDate="2018-05-30T18:36:59.493" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Use the mutual friend to start the conversation, as that's the person you're probably both comfortable with. Approach the mutual friend (alone or even while they're with their friend) and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [Friend Name], I don't think you've introduced me to your friend!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This method has helped me meet new friends at all manner of social gatherings. In my experience, my friend will usually take their cue to introduce me to their friend. Or sometimes the friend will even take the initiative and introduce themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel awkward or you're worried about how to keep the conversation going, I've found it's very easy to follow up with the classic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nice to meet you! How do you two know each other?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This usually opens up the conversation nicely and gives all parties involved some room to move the conversation to something they enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-05-30T21:57:43.530" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T21:57:43.530" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-30T22:58:21.820" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;All of the devs in my office wear earphones when working and is usually a clear indicator that we're focused on something. We used to have an issue with the other departments coming to our area and breaking our concentration when we were in the middle of something, and we fixed that by establishing an office-wide rule to PM us instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what the devs do to get one another's attention as well. The only exception I have is for the dev I sit next to. Because of our proximity we usually ask one another to look over the code we are working on. We agreed that we can just lightly knock or tap the corner of each other's desk to get the other's attention instead of PMing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are other ways to get your coworker's attention besides invading her personal space. Our new designer will currently stand about 3 feet from my desk in my peripheral view and wave awkwardly until I'm at a stopping point. While that is not ideal, it is not as invasive and startling as someone pulling out my earphones or touching me unexpectedly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should discuss with her what would be the best way to get her attention instead of randomly trying stuff until something works. I think your current approach will just make her more and more uncomfortable. I also think that she would appreciate an apology as well. Wait till she's not working on something and try to talk to her about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18343" LastEditorUserId="18343" LastEditDate="2018-05-30T23:09:25.707" LastActivityDate="2018-05-30T23:09:25.707" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-31T00:14:21.953" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to some of the answers that have already been provided, consider the &lt;em&gt;degree of urgency&lt;/em&gt; associated with why you are getting somebody's attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the matter is urgent, it is best to walk up to their desk &lt;strong&gt;without crowding them&lt;/strong&gt; and lightly tap so that they can see out of the corner of their eye. This will get their attention immediately without it feeling like an intrusion of personal space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you are simply asking for help with something that is outside of the bounds of what they are responsible for (i.e. in this case where you are asking for help debugging) it might be best to simply send IM or e-mail asking for help when they are available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people listen to music for enjoyment at work. Sometimes, however, putting in headphones might be to indicate that they do not want to be disturbed for some reason or another. This is why the second approach might be better since it allows them to get back to you on their own time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Above all else, don't touch your co-workers unless you have some reason to firmly believe that is within the bounds of their level of comfort with you. This is especially true with co-workers of the opposite sex. It simply makes some people uncomfortable - so its best practice to avoid it completely. You will never make somebody at work uncomfortable by &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; touching them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18346" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T00:14:21.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15070" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15075" CreationDate="2018-05-31T05:25:13.257" Score="7" ViewCount="1332" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a community garden plot filled with rare vegetables, and some can easily get started from cuttings. I left the labels next to the plants, but have not given anyone permission to take cuttings. Someone also stepped on a tomato plant when looking around to see what I have going on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I deter people from taking cuttings from my plants?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18349" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-05-31T13:33:50.160" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T13:33:50.160" Title="How can I tell people not to take clippings in my community garden plots?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-05-31T14:04:56.910" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15072" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-31T07:53:07.303" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;What we do at our team amongst ourselves is call the person by their name in a voice that is not yelling but reasonably loud enough to be heard over music at typical volume. If they don't react after about 3 times of calling their name (with a couple of seconds pause between repetitions), then we do a &lt;em&gt;gentle&lt;/em&gt; tap on the shoulder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do note that not all body contact is the same. A pat on the back is more invasive of one's personal space and specially so if that person is of the opposite gender. Consider that many of us only ever feel hands on our backs when hugging someone, so it can feel like a very close-relationship kind of contact. All you need is to get the person's attention, so the tap only needs to be as strong as to know they must have felt it, but no stronger. &lt;em&gt;Gentle&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't put your palm on the shoulder; that can feel patronizing. Just 2 or 3 fingertips is good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, because of your previous intrusions, I'm doubting even a tap on the shoulder is welcome. You should definitely sincerely apologize and ask her preference. She may be fine with a gentle tap on the shoulder, after you ask her if it's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On removing her headphones, other people have explained that it's rude, but to get a better intuition as to why, it might help to give examples of other situations that seem similarly rude. Consider that instead of listening on headphones:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she's working on a laptop and you close the lid, or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she's writing on a paper and you remove the pen from her hand, or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she's watching TV and you take the remote and turn it off&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key rudeness part is that you're forcibly denying her of what she's doing. &quot;Why would you do that when there are less forced ways of getting my attention?&quot; is what I would be thinking in her shoes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="359" LastEditorUserId="359" LastEditDate="2018-05-31T16:17:46.693" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T16:17:46.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15070" CreationDate="2018-05-31T10:40:04.757" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everybody can access the garden, but plots are supposed to be &amp;quot;private&amp;quot;. As they're not protected, it's kind of hard to keep people away. My girlfriend faced some similar situation with her garden plants, and had quite a nice idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a small slate board (a little bigger than the one used to identify the plants) she used some chalk to write (as accurately as I can translate it):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This area has some very &lt;strong&gt;fragile&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;delicate&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;sensitive&lt;/strong&gt; seeds and plants. Please be very careful when walking around, and don't make any cut, as it will harm them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're interested in knowing them better or even get a sample, please leave a small note and I'll get back to you. I'll be happy to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guess what? People didn't touch or mess anymore. She never had a single note on the slate board. Once, a person sharing the same area asked her about the plants, and got a sample.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only damages were made by animals. Unfortunately, these are free to go and can't read :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why did this work? I believe that people, when facing this kind of &amp;quot;warning&amp;quot;, realize that it has happened before, and that not only you know it, but that it's harmful, which can help them understand how their actions have affected others, or can affect others in the future. So, they may have some kind of &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;revelation&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; and keep away, thinking &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;yeah, that's bad, I can't do that...&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially because you wrote that you're willing to share. Not doing that will often make people feel like if they were stealing from you. An idea that may not have even crossed their mind at first!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some still will, but some will think and stop. You can't be sure before, because you can't read people's mind, and know how they'll react. This worked for her, hope it will for you too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T10:40:04.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15076" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-05-31T13:59:56.263" Score="108" ViewCount="21268" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, I was at a Barbeque the other day and a situation occurred that, well, I'm getting tired of. It happens almost every time I meet a new group of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you meet someone, eventually you come down to finding out what they do for a living.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm an engineer and work in the space industry, and after explaining that no, that doesn't mean I'm an astronaut and no, it's not as exciting as it sounds... I seem to end up as a go-to point for anything that they don't understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example from the weekend, I had to patiently explain why the flat earth movement is nonsense (sorry-not-sorry believers) due to concepts like gravity which I understand - this individual didn't, so I had to explain that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily I was saved by a 7 year old asking what causes lightning =]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kids I'm fine with, it's adults who either weren't listening in school, or perhaps didn't get the education I did, that perceive &amp;quot;has a degree&amp;quot; as &amp;quot;knows everything and wants to discuss it at length at every opportunity&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't, I'm having some beers in the sun, and while I fully encourage people to learn more... I'm not a teacher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How can I, as politely as possible, escape from these kind of situations without playing dumb?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a vicious cycle when answering one simple question leads to another, to another - and before I know it a group of people are hanging onto my every word until I run out of steam. It then becomes almost awkward to have a &amp;quot;normal&amp;quot; conversation afterwards - once someone sees you as a font of knowledge the balance of power shifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18358" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T13:07:01.810" Title="How to avoid explaining science to strangers" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15076" CreationDate="2018-05-31T14:30:58.660" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Change the subject&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interrupt them with a counter question or question about a similar but different topic, or find something else going on around and divert attention to that.  This is probably the easiest way to get the focus off of you, where you could slip away or keep the conversation headed away from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Show them how to research on their own&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are really adamant about staying on topic, you could always end the conversation by telling them about some helpful websites or books they could pick up from their library.  You could even tell them something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I were to go in depth into this topic it would take a lot of time.  Right now I just want to (enjoy a beer, eat some food, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people would understand that explaining things takes time and effort and won't be offended that you want to relax.  They are just interested in learning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T14:30:58.660" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15076" CreationDate="2018-05-31T14:48:04.830" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Preventative measures.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These problems are happening because you are sharing your potentially very interesting background. If it was me I would be more vague if I didn't want to talk about it too much, and deflect incoming questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You basically have two options for dealing with these kinds of problems; be direct, or be boring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: &lt;strong&gt;Be direct&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am an engineer.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Of what specifically?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Oh I don't really want to talk about it. I just want to relax/forget&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;about work/enjoy the party.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But what do you do? (Unlikey, but if they don't leave)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I already said I don't want to talk about it. Please respect my&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;wishes.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: &lt;strong&gt;Be boring&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I work on making sure that the equipment designed by my x company works as efficiently and predictably as possible, so we can reduce costs.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh that's interesting. Like what?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Usually I talk with my peers and together we try to think of things that might go wrong. We try and identify common problem that cost a lot of money, and make sure to avoid it. We have to be very precise and most of our time is spent crunching numbers. It sounds interesting but really it is not. We just do the same thing everyday.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can choose your words differently, but the idea is to deflect as much as possible. You could also be extremely specific when they ask you what you do to the point it is no longer interesting. Basically your simple options are to be direct, or to be boring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will stop asking very quickly. You are not giving them any positive reinforcement, which is a concept from &lt;strong&gt;behavior analysis&lt;/strong&gt; to reduce behavior. In ABA terms you would be punishing (reducing) the unwanted behavior by withholding the reinforcement (expected reward that motivates the action). You can read up on the science of this, if you want to understand how to implement this and other forms better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://theautismhelper.com/aba-101-aba-and-behavior-reduction/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://theautismhelper.com/aba-101-aba-and-behavior-reduction/&lt;/a&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punishment_(psychology)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punishment_(psychology)&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To the person you are doing this to this is a very natural flow of circumstances that happens everyday. So it won't be rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10896" LastEditorUserId="10896" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T13:07:01.810" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T13:07:01.810" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15079" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15101" CreationDate="2018-05-31T15:03:33.133" Score="13" ViewCount="2581" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend often asks me if I would like to practice BDSM or fetish activities with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not have problems with this kind of thing, but I'm afraid that she may not like it and have a bad experience. I really want to avoid that.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Every time I bring up these worries, she replies:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you offer me sexually, if it's with you I'll like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to set some rules, but am not sure how to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I have a conversation about boundaries, or rules/limits with her, in order to avoid potentially traumatic experiences?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is 16 years old and I'm 18.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ageofconsent.net/world/switzerland&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;We live in Switzerland so 16 is legal.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;SHE&lt;/strong&gt; asked me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not asking about what specific limits to set, but rather how to have that conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12538" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T22:31:02.353" Title="How to talk about limits/boundaries with regards to BDSM requests from my girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;sex&gt;&lt;switzerland&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15076" CreationDate="2018-05-31T15:43:55.853" Score="169" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need multiple strategies here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, be more precise about your job. &quot;I work in the space industry&quot; naturally makes people think you're an astronaut or a rocket scientist. &quot;I'm in professional baseball&quot; would make people think you're a player or a coach rather than an accountant, chef, or janitor. So if you develop software, say you develop software. If you're doing research on the Northern Lights, say you do research on the Northern Lights. And so on. You're the one who makes it about your industry by saying what industry you work in, rather than what you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, if you don't want to explain something, don't. Say someone tells you the earth is flat. You can simply say &quot;I'm convinced it's round.&quot; If they argue, don't get into facts and proving. You can say &quot;is it a matter of faith for you, or the word of someone you trust, or you've seen good evidence?&quot; Then no matter which they answer, you can say &quot;it's the same for me&quot; (it will be for the case of a round earth, we have all those things) and then smile and say &quot;enjoy the barbeque&quot; and go to another part of the yard, or inside to get a drink, or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, if you are asked a question you can answer, and want to, pay attention to the asker to see if they want a short or long answer. If you personally only feel like giving a short answer, do that. You can even say &quot;I can't give you the long answer here without a whiteboard, so the short answer is ...&quot; and summarize simply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourth, learn a little catchphrase. A chef I know says &quot;I cook all day and night for work, don't ask me to talk about it too!&quot; and while people laugh, it changes the subject nicely. You can come up with something similar if you're being asked to explain climate change or the like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T15:43:55.853" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15082" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-31T16:26:35.670" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers already give excellent advice on how to get her attention. With this answer, I would like to give some background information that might be helpful to choose appropriate actions in this and similar situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; There are different kinds of distance depending on occasion and relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Distances in Man&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Intimate Distance—Close Phase&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is the distance of love-making and wrestling, comforting and protecting. Physical contact or the high possibility of physical involvement is uppermost in the awareness of both persons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Intimate Distance—Far Phase&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  (six to eighteen inches)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The use of intimate distance in public is not considered proper by adult, middle-class Americans even though their young may be observed intimately involved with each other in automobiles and on beaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Distance—Close Phase&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  (one and a half to two and a half feet)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Where people stand in relation to each other signals their relationship, or how they feel toward each other, or both. A wife can stay inside the circle of her husband's close personal zone with impunity. For another woman to do so is an entirely different story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Distance—Far Phase&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  (two and a half to four feet)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Subjects of personal interest and involvement can be discussed at this distance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Social Distance—Close Phase&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  (four to seven feet)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Impersonal business occurs at this distance, and in the close phase there is more involvement than in the distant phase. &lt;strong&gt;People who work together tend to use close social distance.&lt;/strong&gt; It is also a very common distance for people who are attending a casual social gathering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Social Distance—Far Phase&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  (seven to twelve feet)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Business and social discourse conducted at the far end of social distance has a more formal character than if it occurs inside the close phase. Desks in the offices of important people are large enough to hold visitors at the far phase of social distance. Even in an office with standard-size desks, the chair opposite is eight or nine feet away from the man behind the desk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Public Distance—Close Phase&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  (twelve to twenty-five feet)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Linguists have observed that a careful choice of words and phrasing of sentences as well as grammatical or syntactic shifts occur at this distance. Martin Joos's choice of the term &quot;formal style&quot; is appropriately descriptive: &quot;Formal texts . . . demand advance planning ... the speaker is correcfly said to think on his feet.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Public Distance—Far Phase&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  (twenty-five feet or more)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thirty feet is the distance that is automatically set around important public figures. ... The usual public distance is not restricted to public figures but can be used by anyone on public occasions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(These are excerpts from &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.academia.edu/5668023/Edward_T._Hall-_The_Hidden_Dimension&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Edward T. Hall, The Hidden Dimension&lt;/a&gt;, Chapter X: Distances in Man. There is much more text regarding each kind of distance.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pulling her earphone out or patting her on the back, you enter intimate distance. This is reserved for very close people, like her boyfriend. Waving in front of her face is intimate or close personal distance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work you are probably expected to use at least social distance. So you can send a message, pass a note, wave across the cubicle, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(There are some exceptions described in the book, e.g. elevators. Working together at the same computer might be another one.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The given distances are not universal, but depend on culture (here: US) and subculture. As @Spehro Pefhany notes, there are notable systemic differences between city and rural folks, even within a culture. Both in the size of the bubble and how offended or threatened people feel if it is violated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Distance is a form of nonverbal communication. Using intimate distance (like pulling her earphone out) might say that you are her boyfriend, or it might be interpreted as aggressive, or that there is a very good reason (like avoiding an accident).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For further reading I'd recommend &quot;The Silent Language&quot; and &quot;The Hidden Dimension&quot; by Hall. If you like science fiction, &quot;Hellspark&quot; by Janet Kagan is a good introduction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3120" LastEditorUserId="3120" LastEditDate="2018-06-04T10:34:18.970" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T10:34:18.970" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-31T16:34:46.657" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pulling earphones out of someone’s ears is a significant health risk. For you. You are lucky that you were not punched. Never, ever try that with me. Never. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 1: Consider that the person may not want to be disturbed and respect that if possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 2: Step into their view so they &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; see you and wave wildly with your arms. Makes you look stupid but works. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 3: Knocking on the table is an excellent idea. Not my idea, but an excellent idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Calling out loud is not a good idea. I have good closed noise-cancelling headphones. If I play loud music, you can hear &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt; of my music, and I hear nothing of you, no matter how loud you shout. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T16:34:46.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15052" CreationDate="2018-05-31T16:47:22.490" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note that a very common scenario where this happens is when people who should be introducing you as a matter of basic courtesy, sometimes don't because they don't remember the other person's name in the first place, or they find the whole 'introductions' thing awkward themselves (e.g. &quot;what do I introduce them as?&quot;, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically they are embarrassed to admit this, and are also secretly hoping you'd go ahead and introduce yourself independently first, so that they can remember the other person's name too / avoid the awkwardness, etc (at which point they can also go, &quot;oh yes, sorry, I forgot to introduce you two, hahah, silly me!&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't assume that if you're not properly introduced to other members of the group that it is because there was no need to. Just go over and say &quot;hello, my name is X&quot; and remove the awkwardness for everyone involved. If you don't &lt;em&gt;particularly&lt;/em&gt; feel the need to go through small talk after that, or can't think of a topic to talk about, there's no need for that either. Just say &quot;nice to meet you&quot; and then go back to doing whatever it was you were doing with your friends, and that's totally fine*. That way, even if something comes up later you can talk to them about, you can now do so without being embarrassed that you haven't met them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&lt;sub&gt; obviously, having said that, if you're not planning to hold small talk with someone, obviously it's best to get the &quot;nice to meet you&quot; bit as soon as you're introduced to that group setting, otherwise it becomes awkward if you walk up to someone about an hour in, and then walk straight off again.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2526" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T16:47:22.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15085" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3213" CreationDate="2018-05-31T17:50:33.200" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I deal with this problem all the time. My job is very difficult to explain, even to people that are experienced in STEM subjects. Explaining what I do is tedious, both to me and them, and it doesn't really improve their lives in any way - especially since all they usually learn is how to parrot back my explanation without any real understanding. My wife even gave up trying to understand my job, let alone explain it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Tell them you cannot give them details because of intellectual property (IP) rights, or a non-disclosure agreement (NDA).&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works for me almost all of the time. In most fields where this problem is applicable, there will be some kind of NDA or other IP protection in place. Use it. If there isn't anything like that, and you feel comfortable fibbing, this is still an effective tactic. The conversation would go something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: What do you do for a living?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: I'm a researcher in mathematics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: Oh cool! What exactly do you research? Or what do you do all day?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: Well, the math I research is really abstract, and honestly not super exciting. I mostly write papers and things like that, but I really can't get into the specifics since I have an NDA with the University.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T17:50:33.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15087" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15115" CreationDate="2018-05-31T18:01:59.443" Score="8" ViewCount="1806" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a male in my mid 20s. Over the past year, I've started working out to try and get in better shape (I've always been overweight), and discovered that I love group exercise classes. I've found several great instructors in my area (it's a college town) whose classes I attend regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only problem I've run into is that most of the attendees--and instructors for that matter--tend to be women around my age. I'm not particularly interested in romance at this time, and I'm certainly not looking to hit on or flirt with any of these people. But I do want to be friendly (it's a group class after all) and not come off as the &quot;creepy guy standing in the back every class&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even on a good day, I'm not the best with social interactions. What can I do to avoid giving off a creepy vibe during these classes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2772" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-05-31T18:50:56.890" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T18:51:28.423" Title="How do I avoid giving off &quot;creepy&quot; vibes in a group exercise class?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15087" CreationDate="2018-05-31T18:27:15.460" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to not come across as creepy (and to also work on social interactions) is through practice.  Try to make some friends around your age group and talk to them.  Crack some jokes, talk about common interests, do everything you would normally do with your older friends in that group.  You can even try to introduce some of the older participants to the younger ones so you have a good social network in the class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you struggle with social interactions, just remember to stay calm, relax and think about what you are going to say.  Don't just blurt out whatever comes to mind, as what you say might offend someone and give the wrong impression of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I totally understand the feeling of giving off a creepy vibe, as people who I have met would usually confide in me about how they used to think I was &quot;just another creep&quot; before they actually took the time to really get to know me.  Don't stress about it too much and just try to become a &lt;strong&gt;genuine friend.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T18:27:15.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15076" CreationDate="2018-05-31T19:05:56.150" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being an Audio and Software Engineer, I can kind of relate. Not so many people are as excited about my field but I do always end up with someone's phone in my hand, working as the free technician of the afternoon, which is extremely annoying in its own right. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I've found there is no real way around this when at a cookout or similar event without being a little blunt. For example, when someone tries to hand me their phone I simply offer them my email address and tell them to contact me when I'm not relaxing and I'd be more than happy to help them. This allows me to deny the immediate request without completely shutting them down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I run into those who want to discuss app ideas or which DAW is best for techno production and so on and so forth... I simply hit them with the same strategy, different dynamic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, I hope this helps even a little. Best of luck to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18374" LastEditorUserId="18482" LastEditDate="2018-06-04T16:59:07.917" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T16:59:07.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15092" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15087" CreationDate="2018-05-31T19:27:52.270" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand exactly the situation, because I've been taking exercise classes at various gyms and health clubs all my life (I'm in my 60s) and it is awkward being one of the few guys in the class.  It can be particularly awkward if the class does some exercise that requires pairing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few ideas to make it more comfortable:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it clear you are in the class for exercise.  That can be as simple as getting there early to stretch, and as the opportunity arises, commenting on what you like about the class workout. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Usually there are some women in class who are comfortable chatting.  A little casual conversation about the class (&quot;do you know if we need heavy bar bells today?&quot;) again makes it clear that you are there to work out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you like the class, talk it up in the men's locker room and try to enlist a few more men.  Once you aren't the only guy it becomes much less of an issue. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Remember&lt;/strong&gt; You have a perfect right to be there and work out.  You don't need to be defensive or apologetic.  Just treat it as a workout.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T12:35:19.973" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T12:35:19.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-31T19:52:31.340" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mention: &quot;she often helps me debug things.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please believe this: you are the reason she put the earphones in. Your use of her time was excessive. Using earphones is the number one answer to the question &quot;how do I get a co-worker to quit bugging me?&quot;, and working at your keyboard with headphones in is universally recognized as a &quot;please don't bug me&quot; message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pulling out someone's earphones is, on principle, an assault. Or perhaps battery, if you snuck up from behind. You really need to come to terms with how inappropriate this was. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless she's your manager or leader or a formally designated mentor, she does not need to be available to you; she &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt; to get her own work done. Whatever it is you &quot;need&quot; her for, you need to figure out for yourself. Or, go to your manager and say, my work is too difficult, I can't do it without help, and I've made it this far by excessively using my colleague. Far better that your manager hear it from you than from her--or from one of the other co-workers who have been watching this play out, or that she's vented to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;At most&lt;/em&gt;, what you might do is send her (cc your manager) an e-mail, thanking her for the help she's provided, apologizing for the many interruptions, and asking if she can set aside a half-hour from time to time, at her convenience, to help you work through things that have stymied you. If she's got any generosity left, she may work with this. Take what she offers graciously and don't abuse it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the response is anything less than positive, even something ambiguous like &quot;I may not be the best person to help you&quot; or &quot;not right now but perhaps in a week or two&quot; then back off, and let this heal over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1687" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T19:52:31.340" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-05-31T22:54:16.113" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;Excellent answers here all around! However, I feel that nobody really elaborated on &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;using a messaging tool (Slack, Facebook, AOL, whatever) is a great idea&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;especially for software developers&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a programmer. Any profession that involves periods of intense concentration or mental effort inevitably involves &lt;em&gt;breaking&lt;/em&gt; that concentration. The worst thing is when that concentration is broken and &lt;em&gt;you didn't cause it&lt;/em&gt; (i.e., a coworker comes to bug you [no pun intended]).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm staring at my computer reading or writing code, I'm concentrating really hard. The most annoying thing for me is to be touched to get my attention... it breaks my concentration and I lose my train of thought &lt;em&gt;instantly&lt;/em&gt;. Not only is it lost because someone is coming to ask/tell me something, but because I have to &lt;strong&gt;context switch&lt;/strong&gt; from lifeless, programmatic text on my screen to interaction with a real, live human being who has emotions and requires &lt;em&gt;tact&lt;/em&gt; to interact with. It's a &lt;strong&gt;big&lt;/strong&gt; context switch, and that causes a lot of lost progress in terms of your train of thought related to mentally-intensive tasks, because you didn't have time to prepare for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With messaging, however, &lt;strong&gt;I can give a cursory glance to the notification&lt;/strong&gt;, turn back to the code I'm reading/writing and wrap up or mentally bookmark my progress in 10 seconds or less. Those 10 seconds of &quot;&lt;em&gt;I still have time before the context switch&lt;/em&gt;&quot; are &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; important. &lt;strong&gt;It gives me time to temporarily internalize what I was working on, so that I can be &lt;em&gt;prepared to resume after the interaction with the person&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. I can also take a little longer than 10 seconds to read the message if I'm in the middle of something incredibly important (like restarting a crashed application).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, &lt;strong&gt;the receiver of the message is in control&lt;/strong&gt;. You'd be surprised how many people are irritated by lack of control over their own personal space and time (I am one of these people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only are you doing your coworker a service by allowing them time to wrap up what they were doing (by allowing &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; to respond to the message), but you're also doing them the pragmatic service of allowing them to retain control over their own personal space and time, which can be a huge factor for some people in interpersonal relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that all of this assumes that the person you are messaging actually &lt;em&gt;reads and responds&lt;/em&gt; to messages... and in a timely manner. If the person you want to interact with has a habit of not reading their messages, then you should absolutely consult other answers! Asking your coworker how they prefer to be interrupted is also a good idea, especially after you've already made the mistake of doing in a badly-received way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2579" LastActivityDate="2018-05-31T22:54:16.113" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15076" CreationDate="2018-06-01T01:36:30.853" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is similar, in some ways, to the questions I get as a computer professional (and even more so when I used to work at NASA.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few ways to escape conversations I've used or have heard other people use successfully: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;sorry, I'm not a great teacher, but there are some really good explanations [of the basic concepts] online.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;sorry, I haven't used that stuff since college, I concentrate pretty tightly on dispersal patterns of volcanic ash in the stratosphere.&quot; (Or whatever your narrow focus is.) &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;sorry, I know too many trade secrets to be comfortable talking shop with outsiders.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;sorry, I answer technical questions all day at work and just want to relax at parties.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;enough about &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt;, what do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; do for a living?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure that you avoid saying anything that can be construed as &quot;it would be a waste of time to try to explain it to you&quot; even (or especially) if that's what you're actually thinking. This particularly goes for charged subjects like climate change, evolution, vaccination,  or even plate tectonics, where you may be running into people who are more interested in reaffirming their commitment to one version rather than listening to actual information. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T01:36:30.853" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15079" CreationDate="2018-06-01T03:41:51.373" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About the talk&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Your question is focused on this step, preparation. Do it prior to a moment when discussing it could break a sexy vibe, because it isn't going to be a romantic talk per se, but it could get hot pretty quickly and be enjoyable if you start with the safety bits and move to the pleasure talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's all about showing you care about &lt;strong&gt;her safety and pleasure.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure the setting is private so both of you can speak frankly and to be at a comfy place if the talk scales to something else.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure to talk about your loving bond being superior to what happens inside the room, so if something doesn't go as planed, no one holds grudges.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure she understands you only use proper high quality tools or toys that won't brake and offer to buy stuff she would like to use or bring her own&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep it real, don't set unreasonable expectations, so for example, if she wouldn't enjoy it if you mark her body as your property for her to be walking around with something under her clothes that reminds her of you, well, then don't do it, you are the one who knows her better than us.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Warn her about some of the things that could happen during session, so for example, she wouldn't make the mistake to wear her favorite panties when you already warned you enjoy tearing her clothes apart (believe me, it happens)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make the experience better for her too by asking how she imagines a session would go, so you can fulfill her fantasies while at it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get a measure of how willing is she really. Start phrasing things with &quot;what if I do -this or that- to you?&quot;: if she wants to be in control she will be mostly the one suggesting things, if she really wants you to be in control you will find yourself in a situation where you stopped using &quot;ifs&quot; and she welcomed that, and now you're telling her what you're going to do to her and then telling her what to do to you or to herself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About what she asked from you&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In my experience, the keyword rule works fine.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She already gave you a pretty clear insight into her approach to BDSM, she's up and willing for anything you desire, so the best failsafe would be that single word she can use as a protest to stop, it could be something simple like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Stop (+ your name)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Some other word she won't forget&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That allows for you to welcome almost any event and not worry about whimpering and squealing, etc, unless she's clear about wanting you to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I didn't go on and on lecturing you about BDSM because you didn't ask for that. I'm assuming you have informed yourself thoroughly on this topic, BDSM can destroy your relationship if done carelessly or strengthen your loving bond if done masterfully, it's also not rocket science, be sure to provide a lot of pampering and gentle care afterwards, that's what works for me and my girlfriends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My only notorious recommendation would be, not going overboard since the first time, you'll have to be very observant of her reactions to your advances before pushing forward, as to get an idea of the impressions that remain imprinted on her, so you can know if she really liked or hated something regardless of her saying she liked it just to please you. It's not like anyone sits with their partners and say &quot;hey, let's read about BDSM and follow instructions&quot;, that's bull. You need tact, you'll know if she wants to do it again by her reactions to your initial advances towards turning a regular sexual session into a BDSM situation, as an example, if her heart gets racy and she blushes in excitement when you tie her hands as the first move to convey something else is going on now, but the transition can be conveyed in other ways. The point is being observant and act accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T22:31:02.353" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T22:31:02.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15079" CreationDate="2018-06-01T03:45:09.080" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Basically you need to have an &lt;strong&gt;informed consent conversation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when it comes to any kind of kink, that informed part is as important as the consent part. You both need to really understand what you're consenting to, before consent is given. This goes for the both of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means talking about it. &lt;strong&gt;Be specific.&lt;/strong&gt; BDSM is an incredibly broad topic encompassing an awful lot of fun and horrifying things, so consenting to a BDSM experience is effectively meaningless. If you two want to have a fun experience with this stuff, you'll need to have some honest conversations about what you each would like to do, what you wouldn't like to do, and what you expect to get out of the experience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of folks find that it's helpful to learn about different BDSM related kinks first. Read about it together, watch videos about it together. Not just pornography. Believe it or not, there are instructional materials available, and porn can be... misleading... to put it gently. This will give you two a place to start with conversations about specifically what you all would like to experiment with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some folks also find clubs and munches to be helpful educational resources. Check around online, it wouldn't be suprising if there's a local kink group that organizes social get togethers or classes for the particular flavor of kink that you two find an interest in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like most areas in any relationship, communication is key. It may take some practice to get comfortable talking about the kinky stuff, but it's necessary. And I do mean necessary. If it helps, start communication with the easier stuff and work your way up to the more advanced topics. What may start off as a series of somewhat awkward conversations may turn into a form of forplay with enough time, practice, and confidence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that this will be an ongoing conversation. &lt;strong&gt;Consent can be withdrawn at any time&lt;/strong&gt;, even in the middle of an activity. Always make room for that. Check in with your partner regularly during play. This is where most folks employ &quot;safewords&quot;. The best safewords are simple, and easy to remember. I strongly recommend the red, yellow, green system. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Red = Stop!   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Yellow = Slow down, use caution, ease off.   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Green = Go!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is the use of simple hand signals. Thumbs up, thumbs down. (For cases where verbal communication is more difficult)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm tempted to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifth_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;plead the fifth&lt;/a&gt; when it comes to backing this one up... Let's just say that, yes I have had these conversations in a number of different situations, and this answer is based upon some &lt;em&gt;very personal&lt;/em&gt; experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T04:13:38.320" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T04:13:38.320" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15103" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15104" CreationDate="2018-06-01T04:48:54.833" Score="20" ViewCount="6341" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’ve been friends with someone for a long while. We've taken a few trips together over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like we've drifted apart, although I may be the only one that feels this as I actually think they've ceased caring about much at all to do with me. Their attitude towards me is such that it reminds me of a yo-yo... one day they'll be the person I have grown accustomed to and can talk to for hours and comfortably spend time with, and the next they'll be someone who ignores my messages, stares at their phone during meals together and makes no attempt to socialise with me past the bare minimum. Even our conversations over instant messaging have drastically diminished. Furthermore, whilst some shared interests remain, others have steadily drifted apart, even down to something as inconsequential as music tastes. I will often try to indulge them in new interests, but the same courtesy isn't quite afforded to me so I prefer not to discuss my interests with them after one or two times, as a general rule of thumb.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, whilst I dedicate considerable time thinking about this friendship (truthfully my only close relationship, and theirs too, as far as I know), somewhat resentful that we don't socialise like we used to, and wondering about their well-being (is it personal struggles of some kind - i.e. depression? - that has so dramatically changed their personality or regard towards me?)... they don't seem to share the concern or make any move to act in any way that would redeem recent behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, I think it's time to move on, as I'm investing more in this friendship than they are and it's, I think, emotionally damaging to me. There are many many examples of situations and circumstances I could describe but the overall gist is that I feel taken for granted and underappreciated. I'm wasting my time trying to connect with someone who doesn't seem interested, but somehow, in certain capacities (like travelling together for a month to a foreign destination and leaving me to plan the trip that they suggested in its entirety!) they still expect some level of loyalty and consideration from me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cancelling the trip is not an option and I still very much want to go but I'm afraid of what attitude I might face during the trip. In our last trip together (a short holiday interstate), I felt that within a very short time, their attitude was that of someone who would rather be anywhere else. Petulant and reluctant, often expressing that they'd rather go back to the hotel than explore a new activity. It wasn't a pleasant experience and I'm somewhat fearful that the same might happen on this considerably larger trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would I deal with this? If we find each other disagreeing on the day's activities, or if I want to do something but am getting the &quot;vibe&quot; from them that they would rather not - I don't want that to spoil my enjoyment or make me miss out on experiences that I could have, only because they have fallen into a sullen mood where they spend most of the time looking at their phone looking bored and disinterested in my company, let alone any scenery surrounding us. I'm unsure how to deal with this without causing hostility between us, which would be quite unfortunate when in a foreign country with nothing but ourselves for company!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm socially anxious as well, I've had situations in a previous recent small trip where they would refuse to do something as simple as take a photo at a landmark, either with me or even of me, and I lacked the confidence to feel comfortable using my selfie stick or to ask another person. These were isolated incidents, often in heavily crowded attractions (they're not a fan of crowds) but seeing as I never know what attitude to expect from them nowadays... that's a very likely scenario to happen. &#xA;Personally, I have resigned myself to knowing that I have to build up the courage to get the outcomes I desire in these situations, but I don't want to do it in a way in which my frustration or unhappiness will be apparent to them, so as to not create animosity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. I want to enjoy my trip but am going to be travelling with someone I don't feel I can necessarily rely on or draw any enjoyment from - in fact, there's the possibility they could taint certain aspects of it. How do I navigate this diplomatically so as to step on no toes, or the least amount of toes? I want to look forward to this trip but the uncertainty of our relationship is causing me anxiety instead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Suggested TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would I negotiate the situation when my long-term friend is acting sullen and uninterested in our activities or is exhibiting an attitude that is sullying the mood? I don't want to miss out on opportunities or experiences but also don't want to antagonise them or create an even more uncomfortable situation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-10-22T05:15:42.207" LastActivityDate="2019-10-22T05:15:42.207" Title="How to endure a holiday with a friend I've drifted apart from?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15103" CreationDate="2018-06-01T06:31:28.657" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have had some similar things happen to me in the past, but for my friend and me it (kinda) worked out in the end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I suggest for the trip is that you try to get the most out of it. I know this isn't an easy thing to do, especially if you never have done it before or are hotheaded, but when she does something that makes you feel bad, insecure, sad or angry, just try to let it wash off of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a sort of mental click you need to make, but it gets easier to do the more you do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The picture example you give. I would recommend to stay positive and give her the benefit of the doubt, and ask her if she wants to take the picture, after all, sometimes she is the &quot;old&quot; her. If she takes it, nice. If not, then just smile and use your selfie stick. There is no issue with using a selfie stick for one picture, or ask somebody else, I find that most strangers will gladly help you out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this for everything on the trip. Try to enjoy it as most as you can and every time she doesn't want to do something just accept it and try to make the best of it. If she wants to stay in the hotel room all day, I would even go out alone and give her the choice to come along or stay inside all day. It is a trip that took time to plan and money to book after all, so don't let it go to waste. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the trip I suggest you talk to her. One on one, after work when you both have the time for it. You clearly are fed up with her by now and don't want to continue the friendship but at the same time I get the message that you have not really talked to her about this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friendship is a sort of relationship and a relationship is built on trust, mutual respect and communication. So talk to her. Tell her what you feel, what you think about her attitude for the last year and that it is getting to a point where you are getting ready to let the friendship die off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See what she has to say about it. Perhaps she is indeed depressed, or struggling with something in another way. Perhaps she was oblivious to it all and is sorry for it. Perhaps she truly doesn't give a damn anymore about your friendship. You won't know unless you talk. And your friendship sounds like it has been good and long enough for you to make that effort I think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, go into that talk with no prejudice or sense of &quot;She is in the wrong&quot;. Things like this are complicated and to point somebody as the culprit is simplifying it. There is no good and bad side in this, sometimes friendships break or bifurcate and wither away. but sometimes there are things you both sense but are only clear when you talk about it, and these things can often be fixed as well. It would be a shame to let a good friendship go to waste because of that, we all know how hard it is to find good friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T06:31:28.657" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15105" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15103" CreationDate="2018-06-01T08:34:24.383" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I appreciate you've already selected an answer but felt that I had something small to add.  Rather than just making suggestions while you are away and having possible disagreements, maybe sit down and plan some activities before you go away - so you have a plan of key things that you would like to do.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would allow you to at least have a rough idea of things you are going to do while abroad, and you can discuss this in a relaxed environment, with no pressure to make sudden decisions, unlike on holiday where you might have to decide to do something right now.  Focus on what you definitely want to do, and what you might want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you're on the trip, it should be easier to achieve the things you want, don't be afraid to do them by yourself if you have to, but hopefully discussing and arranging things first will help minimize this risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other answer covers discussions you might have after the trip adequately - I have nothing to add to that - only that maybe if this holiday goes well, maybe your friend will open up more about the situation (either on holiday or after it) and this will provide greater understanding to both parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope it goes well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2866" LastEditorDisplayName="user17362" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T13:43:54.387" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T13:43:54.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15107" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15103" CreationDate="2018-06-01T09:46:05.867" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest doing a lot of things to keep the interaction going. You don't need to talk about anything much, as the awkwardness is still there. Talking about stuff comes later. The more things you do together the more the bond that you had before starts to emerge. Just pick things that you both will enjoy. Doesn't need to be perfect just need to keep moving. Over time the talk will start too. Don't rush/force it. Nostalgia hits are powerful and they will give a boost too. Things that let you compete with each other are really good. Hope it works out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;tl;dr Do things together and then do some more, talk less at the start, don't force it. The bond will grow by itself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cheers&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18388" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T09:46:05.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15109" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-01T11:36:59.400" Score="73" ViewCount="17989" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am Austrian, 17 years old. After that year, I have one last year left in my school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have one classmate who never liked me very much. Since this year’s christmas our relationship got even worse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He won't stop insulting me or shouting at me. When I say something in class, he tells me to stop talking, in a tone that is definitely a insult. We have to do some group projects together and it's really annoying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples of what he is doing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are making a short movie for a project, our group consists of 7 people. The movie is about suicide and we need two actors for two teenage girl, where one commits suicide in the end, the other goes to a therapist. When I told them, I wanted to be the suicide girl, he said I can't be because it is more emotional when someone goodlooking dies. He definitely said it in a very insulting tone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He told me I'm ugly or fat on many other occasions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When I asked for clarification in another subject, he told me to stop discussing and stop talking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He said I'm destructive, because I asked him why he is so mad at me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He invited everyone to his 18th birthday but me. I know that I'm not one of his friends, but since he invited all of our classmates I definitely know that it is something against me. He is not friends with everyone in class, he barely speaks with some of them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried talking to him, our teacher and the student counselor. I don't have anything against him, except for the mentioned things above. I want him to stop that and treating me as every other classmate. He is very impulsive in general and sometimes a little bit aggressive, even towards his friends. But he is even worse when he's talking to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the other classmates are very annoyed by us. I know that I can sometimes be a little bit annoying and I am a little bit difficult too, but that doesn't give him the right to insult me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do, in order to stop him bullying me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. I actually don't know if he is bullying me, but that's what my therapist said.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4263" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2020-01-03T12:25:01.043" LastActivityDate="2020-01-03T12:25:01.043" Title="How to stop classmate from bullying me" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="16" ClosedDate="2018-11-05T14:57:03.087" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-01T11:54:27.753" Score="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is definitely &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dictionary.com/browse/bullying?s=t&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;bullying&lt;/a&gt;. Even if you are a &quot;bit annoying and difficult&quot; as you say, personal attacks such as calling you fat and ugly are definitely way too far. This is what worked for me when I was bullied so you should probably take this with a grain of salt and change it based on what you feel is the best approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore Him&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not, under any circumstances, give him more attention than needed.  Listen to him if he is speaking in a group, but if he tries interrupting you mid-sentence, don't stop talking and don't raise your voice to speak over him.  Don't even give him the satisfaction of looking at him. The more often you do this, the more people around him will start to realize how dumb he really is. Bullies like this thrive off attention and not giving him what he craves will cause him to stop targeting you as it becomes boring and not worth his time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For bonus style points, or if you think flat out ignoring him would be too difficult, you can also employ what I like to call the &quot;candid camera&quot; approach. Whenever he starts speaking over you or demeaning you, look at the people around you and roll your eyes.  The simply stare at him until he finishes ranting and continue talking once he finishes. Since you mentioned that the other classmates are annoyed by the &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of you, I'm assuming they don't like his antics either. If you can act like the reasonable party and win the rest of the class over by acting like the bigger person, it might shame the bully into backing down because he has lost the favor of the crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach worked for me after about three weeks to a month of just ignoring my bully while he was insulting or generally demeaning me. Over time he just got bored of getting no response and getting laughed at by classmates for overreacting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-02T08:13:57.690" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T08:13:57.690" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15111" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15112" CreationDate="2018-06-01T12:47:44.457" Score="6" ViewCount="1252" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question is about a very common problem aka &quot;the landlady with trust issues&quot;. I and my partner live in an apartment owned by an absurd person to say the least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have been very careful, punctual and attentive all this time in order to reassure her that we are not going to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Destroy the apartment (in fact we have worked quite a bit to repair, paint it and make additions &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; charge).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Forget to pay the rent and bills (we pay rent many days before the deadline and &lt;strong&gt;we&lt;/strong&gt; call her in order to give her the money).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cut her off from having access to the house when she wants to inspect it (in the beginning she kept coming in the apartment to get the rent).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue now is that when she communicates with me (curiously not with my partner) she asks for the maintenance fee bills, even though I have already given them to her the previous time and when I mention that she gives me a suspicious look, asks me if I'm sure and says she will look into her papers to make sure I really did. Last time she even asked for the receipts (of fees &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; paid) that have my name on them which she has no right to have nor I can trust her with them. She also gave me the same &quot;advice&quot; she has given me a million times about how not to do damage to some doors. These are only a few of her irrational and recurrent remarks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can imagine this is really frustrating given we are model tenants and have tried so hard to win her trust. I don't know if she has memory issues and can't remember how we have behaved until now, what repairs we have done and what papers we have given to her or if her motives are &quot;darker&quot; in nature. Please keep in mind we can't leave the house until the contract's expiration (for legal and personal reasons).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I really want to find a way to rebuff/avoid the absurd demands/remarks she makes which she repeats with every given opportunity.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any help will be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;NOTE:&lt;/strong&gt; More on the landlady's character - we have observed that she lies occasionally and with no hesitation in order to hide her true intentions or have her way. So asking her about the reason she asks for documents that don't belong to her will be to no avail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2018-06-02T13:11:33.727" LastActivityDate="2018-06-02T13:11:33.727" Title="How to avoid same demands over and over again from landlady" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15111" CreationDate="2018-06-01T13:20:05.850" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;I really want to find a way to rebuff/avoid the absurd demands/remarks she makes which she repeats with every given opportunity.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A landlord / landlady is in a position of authority over you, so if they have idiosyncrasies, provided they don't cross certain boundaries or infringe your rights, you just have to live with them - or rather, &lt;em&gt;work&lt;/em&gt; with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that she is going to ask you for certain documents every time she calls, then have those documents ready in a place where you can grab them quickly - by the door, for example. I admit I don't exactly know what you mean by &quot;maintenance fee notifications&quot; (I'm guessing some documentation to show you paid the maintenance fee?) but if you do receive and hold these documents then just put them in that safe, convenient place whenever you receive them, so you are prepared.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she asks for these, show them to her - but if she is not entitled to have them then tell her so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I need to keep these for my records.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is important for you to sound efficient, and business-like. The more organised you are, the less likely she is to hound you and try to pull you up on this kind of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate this is work for you that is probably unnecessary and that more reasonable landlords would not expect you to do - but as an example: if you know that every time you buy age-restricted products you are going to be asked for ID, the most obvious thing to do is have your ID on you and ready to show. You can't really complain that you don't have the ID handy when you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; it will be expected. And if you accept that this is the process you have to go through then you can be ready for it, and it won't be so difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the landlady has some kind of problem with her memory as you mentioned, she is more likely to remember conversations and actions &lt;em&gt;repeated exactly&lt;/em&gt;, so make sure you say the same thing and show her the same documents every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she really &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; have &quot;darker motives&quot; as you suspect, such as trying to catch you out on a technicality, showing her that you cannot easily be caught out this way may well silence her. Rather than looking for a way to evict you, she may just be doing this because she enjoys criticising others - sadly some people are like this! I have found through experience that the best way to deal with people like this is to play along. If they have petty concerns like damage to the doors, you will pacify them far quicker if you acknowledge their concern rather than challenge it or give them any reason to believe you don't take it seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I won't damage the doors&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.. she might think you're not taking her concerns seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Better to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will be careful&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've saved yourself a word, and you have reassured her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T13:25:45.087" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T13:25:45.087" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15087" CreationDate="2018-06-01T13:53:11.760" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;One practical suggestion is to stand at the front, if the class is arranged in rows like that. If you are feeling self-conscious it may be your natural inclination to hide away at the back. But it may be assumed that men who stand at the back of exercise classes are trying to look at the ladies' bottoms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People may &lt;em&gt;interpret&lt;/em&gt; behaviour as creepy if it makes &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; feel uncomfortable. Remember that everyone else in the class is likely there to lose weight too or to improve their bodies in some other way, which means that a good number of them could have body issues and feel self-conscious. By going to the front of the class you remove any fear you are checking them out from behind &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; you give someone else a space to hide away at the back and feel less self-conscious about themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, being at the front will demonstrate that you are serious about the exercise, and that is your main concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry if you can't always get to the front because other people beat you to it - if people arrive at the class early and &lt;em&gt;choose&lt;/em&gt; the front row then chances are they are more confident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T13:53:11.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15116" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-01T14:15:30.213" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I abhor violence but I actually do agree that sometimes a good hard knock works. I've taught my daughter this too and she is the sensitive type. One time on the jumpy house another girl was getting physical with her (hitting and pushing) and she whopped her one back. The look of shock on the girls face that she would fight back was clear and quiet funny and she played nice after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think it's any different at 18 or 40 years old I don't think so. I still deal with that childishness at 40 at work with at least one guy. Sometimes I have to stand up and fight (with words) because upper management or HR just goes &quot;there, there, it will be ok.&quot; and tries to pacify the situation while a bully takes advantage of the passiveness of the majority. I assure you though, &lt;em&gt;these people are weak&lt;/em&gt;; they've just found a way to hide it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your situation, you being a girl against a boy, it could backfire or it could work in your favor if he is not the type to hit a girl. If he does hit back, you might find the bruise is worth the hell that rains down upon him as most societies this is a big No-No under any circumstances. Just make sure you do it with lots of witnesses. Will he continue to retaliate with words...yup. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that said, &lt;strong&gt;here's my best advice&lt;/strong&gt;. My daughter decided on her own after that jumpy house incident that she didn't want to reply physically anymore (good for her) but she is in self-defense classes and it works great for her confidence. She can strongly respond to bullying with words knowing that if it devolved into physical she can handle herself. It changed her mindset that she is a source of strength. You might find this helpful as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18393" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T14:15:30.213" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-01T14:33:18.030" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a person that was subject to bullying for several years at school I can suggest two lines of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first, ignore the bully, has been explored by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/15110/9000&quot;&gt;TheRealLester's answer&lt;/a&gt;, so I won't duplicate their advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to add another alternative that is less violent than the currently proposed alternatives: learn to reply in kind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not easy, it takes practice and more often than not you will notice that the sentence you constructed so nicely in your head will not come out as you expected, but despite this it has it benefits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;ignore&quot; tactic might fail, the bully could see you as an easy target that won't fight back, pushing him to bully you more. If that is the case, and if you think that the &quot;ignore&quot; does not work (note that to have a noticeable effect it usually takes quite a while), you can try to respond in kind&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;He told me I'm ugly or fat on many other occasions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ask him if he's envious (hinting that he's worse than you). He's not expecting this and will put him off balance. While he's trying to come up with a reply, disengage him completely if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;He invited everyone to his 18th birthday but me. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a similar situation I actually showed up to the party, called the bully's name, and after he replied, I flipped both birds at him and went on my day [note: I knew I would not have seen any of them anymore, while they did not, the effectiveness of this can be questioned]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something you can always count on: these people are not in your life forever, use the occasion to learn a few tactics and gain a bit of confidence in yourself (replying in a witty way requires a bit of that). Otherwise, just focus on the fact that in one year you will probably lose all contact with this harasser.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9000" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T14:33:18.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15087" CreationDate="2018-06-01T14:54:46.203" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'd say gym groups are one of the easiest circles to break into. &lt;strong&gt;If you are there to work hard, learn, and improve yourself everyone will instantly accept you.&lt;/strong&gt; Whatever the activity make your only priority the workout at hand and getting the most from it. Don't worry about what you think other people are thinking. Don't care where you stand, take the first available spot, help get the equipment, when the coach speaks listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then no matter your skill level, people around will want to get to know you and work with you. I've been a part of a lot of gym groups over the years and you can instantly tell if people don't want to be there or are not there to work hard. If you are though it's nothing but sweat, high fives, and jokes from then on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11285" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T14:54:46.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-01T14:56:52.893" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've found this guy a while back and his solution is very easy and fun to watch. The principle:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Bullies bully for the reaction, to get you crazy or to make you cry. If you take away the reaction and stay calm, don't give them what they want, and you're kind 100% of the time, I'm telling you, it's very difficult for them to keep making fun of you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From this video: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBWL8iI6KbI&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBWL8iI6KbI&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Another clip with the same guy/principle: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oKjW1OIjuw&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oKjW1OIjuw&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the clips they stage a bully discussion. The first round he responds as  most people do with a &quot;no, shut up, im not stupid&quot; etc. The second round he implements his technique. When someone says &quot;you smell!&quot;, he responds with a &quot;oh really? thanks for letting me know, I'll do something about it&quot;, and at a &quot;you're dumb!&quot; he responds with &quot;Oh? Well, I think you're not, and [something else positive]&quot; . It disarms them completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="5504" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T21:17:58.060" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T21:17:58.060" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15103" CreationDate="2018-06-01T15:29:51.177" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Foreword&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is going to be more about handling the trip than fixing the underlying problem. Clearly the underlying issue needs to be discussed, but you asked &quot;how do I endure the trip?&quot;, not &quot;how do I fix our friendship?&quot;, so I'll answer the question that was asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that she doesn't seem to be interested in doing some of the things you want to do, but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of spending the whole day together, why not split up from time to time so you can each do things that the other doesn't want to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I find that spending an entire day with the same person can get a bit tedious and I tend to loose my enthusiasm after a while, especially if I feel like I'm following the other person or I'm not getting chance to see the things I want to see. Splitting up for a while to do different things gives you both a chance to explore things without having to accomodate the other person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an added bonus, you'll have something to talk about on the trip back - you can tell each other what you did without the other person. Perhaps you or the other person will even think &quot;actually, I might have enjoyed that&quot; and want to do the same next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T15:29:51.177" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-01T15:46:39.820" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like a power-game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The guy likes having an emotional punching bag and it's gotten way beyond mere bullying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice? Frankly I'd avoid and evade. You don't want this person in your life.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This isn't a situation where that's entirely possible though, you're in a confined school environment and basically being forced together. So you have essentially five paths that I can see.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Change schools - This is pretty extreme, and in your last couple years of school it may be quite hard to swing with your parents, but it'll work. You'll probably never see or hear from him again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gather evidence - Make notes, bring a tape recorder to record the class and when you have a consistent pattern of behaviour you feel confident in (perhaps a week or two of notes and actual audio of him being abusive) take it as high as you can. talk to your principle/headmaster and/or your head of year. Don't let up until they do something effective. This isn't horsing around or mere dickishness, this is a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse and it &lt;strong&gt;Must Stop&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoidance tactics - Be on the other side of the classrooms, physically avoid being anywhere near him wherever feasible, do not communicate, do not work with him (put up a fuss if teachers try and get you to work together on anything). Ignore anything he does or says to try and get to you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Call him out in public - All of my offered tactics revolve around removing his power over you. That's all you really need, So stand up to him. &quot;snap&quot; at him. You've had enough, who the &lt;em&gt;hell&lt;/em&gt; does he think he is?! Get mad, yell at him, tell him to eat shit and die. You hate his face, you hate his shitty attitude, you hate him. He's pitiful and small and will never amount to anything.  Make sure there's a crowd. Do it in class for maximum effect. I guarantee this will make the teachers take notice in a big way. Be prepared in advance, Option 2's notes and recordings for example would be ideal to have ready at this juncture. Most important, retain control over the conversation, you want to turn your punishment for &quot;disrupting the class&quot; into &quot;get this asshole kicked out&quot;. If you lose this control it will de-escalate and you can expect nothing helpful to happen.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The Nuclear Option - Punch him. The asshole has it coming. Everyone around you knows it, the teachers might be ineffective but they have already been told and done nothing. If you get punished it's what? Some hours of your time? revoked privileges? Expulsion is unlikely. And he'll get the message the hard way and if he doesn't stop it may take a couple more attempts. Major flaw is that he may decide to see how far he can taunt you during class in order to make you lose your self-control, after all, you're the one being violent, he's just talking...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 2 is your absolute best option in my view. It uses evidence, leverages the System for your own benefit, and &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; will know what a colossal asshole the guy is because you can prove it with the click of a button. It also will not get you in trouble as the presence of a tape recorder on your desk will not be unexpected, many students use it as an alternative to writing notes, being able to reference the exact words of their teacher outside of class. You may want to ask the teacher if it's okay for you to record their lessons, some may not want it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, in the mid-term, the recorder itself may act as a deterrent, your classmate may become more cautious if he realises his words are being recorded.&#xA;You can emphasise this if you wish by playing back his words to him, but you may want to make backup copies of the recordings in case he takes any action to destroy them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T15:46:39.820" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15111" CreationDate="2018-06-01T17:09:02.567" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've definitely been there and dealt with that. Pushy landlords/ladies are typically just trying to protect their investment property to insure that they'll continue to be able to make money on the property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are of course slumlords/ladies which tend to be much worse. They're sometimes overly concerned about the minutia of the property because they're trying really hard not to have to spend any money on maintenance and/or repair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worst case of this that I've dealt with was actually someone running a scam. I was renting from someone who had no legal right to the property, they had set up a fake property management company and &quot;accumulated&quot; a few &quot;abandoned&quot; properties in a bad neighborhood and started renting them out. They were very particular about picking up the rent and utilities payments in person and in cash, and were a little too concerned about how the property was maintained... I had no idea that there was a problem until the city turned the water off. Apparently they were pocketing all of the cash and not paying the utilities. They were trying a little too hard to avoid repairs because that would cut into their pocket money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what I learned from that experience and other horrible renting lessons. Keep your documents, and ask your landlord/lady for clear, dated receipts for everything. If they ask for a receipt or document, give them a copy, never the original. Read your lease agreement carefully, if anything looks odd or you don't understand it fully ask a lawyer. Your lease agreement is the only outline of what's expected and necessary in the situation. Verbal agreements aren't enough, never rely on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything that you payed for is your document/receipt. Not theirs. If things go bad you're going to need proof of what you payed for and when. If there's no provision that they're allowed to routinely inspect the property, written into the lease, you don't have to let them do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If they get pushy about things ask them to go over the lease agreement with you and show you where it says that you're obligated to put up with whatever they're doing.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I fully realize that this sounds harsh and impersonal, but keep in mind that this isn't a personal relationship, it's a business relationship. Your landlord/lady isn't your friend. You're just contractually obligated to each other for the duration of the lease. So again, know what your contractual obligations are and what they are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T23:05:46.647" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T23:05:46.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15123" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-01T17:15:44.677" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The common advice against bullying is to ignore. Unfortunately, ignoring bullies can and often will lead to group dynamics where you become the designated punching bag. If the bully gets a positive response from the group instead of you, the bully got what they wanted, and it doesn't matter at all that you &quot;ignored&quot; him. In the worst case scenario, all you did was multiply the number of bullies you need to deal with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need to learn is to ignore the insulting and hurtful part of their action so you can react calmly. Don't get mad just because an ass is behaving like an ass - that's what an ass does, it is what makes them an ass. But you still need to react to the bully's actions in order to make them stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to your reactions is that they need to get the group on your side. If you already have the group on your side, ignoring him and letting someone else respond is great. Unfortunately things are rarely this easy, or you probably wouldn't have asked for advice. You'll need to respond yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are several ways to do this, and there doesn't seem to be a way that guarantees success. Some ways that can work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Self depreciation and compliments (+ veiled sarcasm). E.g. when he insults your looks &quot;not everybody can be as good-looking as you&quot;. Read &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/15119/1993&quot;&gt;martijn's answer&lt;/a&gt; and watch his linked videos.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Standardized insult, and avoid any kind of debate or shouting match. E.g. Don't look at him, continue as if he didn't say anything, but give him the finger.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remark on the unoriginality of his insults. E.g. &quot;We've heard that before, it's getting boring.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Turn the insult around. E.g. After: &quot;&lt;em&gt;When I told them, I wanted to be the suicide girl, he said I can't be because it is more emotional when someone goodlooking dies.&lt;/em&gt;&quot; you can respond &quot;&lt;em&gt;So you're not volunteering, we got that.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A physical reaction. As a female against male, a slap to the face is often a socially accepted response to an insult, and will often see the male as the aggressor if they decide to retaliate. If you decide to go this route, take self defense classes first.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not mix the different approaches. Try one for a few days, see if it works. If it works, stick with it, otherwise try the next one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2018-06-02T08:57:27.483" LastActivityDate="2018-06-02T08:57:27.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-01T17:36:34.917" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see any answers about dealing with the school staff part of the problem, so here's my take on it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a teacher doesn't let you change groups to complete the project where you can work like a normal person without expecting to get bullied by your groupmates, reasoning that &quot;This is how the real world works, you just have to deal with bullies&quot;, that's not true. In the real world there's HR department, adult harassment laws and option to change jobs. Say that, and if the teacher disagrees and does nothing, there's also a very real world option to go to their manager (whoever's up the chain in the school). Remind them of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if that doesn't work, there's always the ministry of education which you can write letters to or talk to their public representatives about how your school ignores serious problems. There may be various influential groups like Parent-Teacher associations in your country which may not be as strongly affiliated with governmental branches, so you may try your luck there, if the situation gets really out of hand. And finally, for serious abuse and threats of physical harm there's always the police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="210" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T17:36:34.917" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-01T20:12:10.587" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Look at yourself, who do you think you are? What do you think of yourself? How valuable do you think you are? That is my question to you. I can't know who you are and by extension I can't know you're value, correct? Well that would only be the case if our value was determined by what we have done, but it isn't. You are human, you have inherent value, in-fact you have infinite value, you are priceless. So I am supposed to be giving an answer about how to deal with this guy but I am starting it out with telling you how valuable you are, just be patient cause I have a point. You are a human and you are priceless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now of-course the questions you have are: &quot;where is this coming from&quot; and &quot;what am I getting to&quot;, so I'll answer the first one first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I say that you are priceless, simply because you are human, is not because of some profound philosophy that I have found or thought up for myself showing how we are worth more then anything, it's simply because I am a christian. I believe you are priceless because the bible announces it so loudly throughout all of it's text, it's story just declares that God places so much value on us that it cannot be measured (aka it's infinite). He loved us so much that he sent his very SON so we could have a relationship after-all. Because of this I find great joy in serving God and studying his word and I am so glad that I became a christian at such a young age. So now that you know where I am coming from you know the answers I will provide will not be coming from me, rather I will be taking them from the book I believe is the word of God, showing them to you and telling you about the time I took my own advice... By accident. I am not asking you to become a christian, though I would love for that to happen, I am simply wanting to show you the merits of the solution to this problem which is found in the bible and let you decide on something after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So once I moved from my small country town in the middle of the woods for six months and my family went up to Kansas City (Missouri), up there we eventually found a church that we wanted to join. Me and my brother started going to the youth group every Wednesday (we're teenagers) and there our youth pastor was talking about his own time in school. When he was a teenager he moved a-lot, he said he went to (I believe it was) 23 different schools, so he was ALWAYS the new kid. He got bullied all the time, but instead of using any of the other methods being presented on this thread what he did whenever they insulted him was something simple, he gave a genuine compliment. This ridiculous tactic for dealing with bullies was actually extremely effective as he ended up becoming real good friends with many of his former bullies! It worked so well for him I thought this same tactic would work real well for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well it did, I just used his very strategy before I ever heard him speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when we first came up to KC I had the prideful notion that I (not God) would change whatever neighborhood I happened to end up in. Well I don't have time to tell the full story hear but that did not end well (I'm homeschooled so I don't have any experiences at schools). However even though I did mess up I did get some things right during that time and I learned lessons I will never forget.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the first thing I did was I made friends with the kids that hung out around the apartments I lived in, since I was intent on doing this and nothing was going to hinder me whenever one of them started accusing me of planning to rape at-least one of them all I did was shrug it off and point out all the obvious reasons why I wouldn't do that and all the reasons I couldn't do that. Eventually that girl stopped making those accusations and a portion of the group just stopped hanging out with me at all (none of them were very nice to me btw). They would run from me to annoy me (by their own admittance) and would be generally mean. Eventually one of the other girls asked me if I realized that they were all being mean to me, I said yes, she then asked if I cared, I told her &quot;why should I?&quot; By the time I left half of the group ignored me and I became amazing friends with the people that still talked to me, I mean they all started out bullying me and to have half of them become close friends is just an amazing thing for me to see (and I haven't told you the half of it). I know I wouldn't have been able to do that without God (he still helped me though I was prideful) and I know that it is the most effective and beneficial way to deal with bullies because of what I've been through. I would recommend the impossible method of just being kind to him, never say anything against him, even behind his back, and to just be a good person that everyone looks up to. If you are someone that he can't bring a fault against then either he will become your friend or give up on fighting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But there is a reason I said it's impossible, I couldn't practice what I preach unless I told you it's impossible without God.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18405" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-02T08:28:30.003" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T08:28:30.003" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15128" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-01T20:12:13.950" Score="3" ViewCount="1258" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: I want to find the most polite way to tell my neighbour that it's not a problem, but they should not do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The incident:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We live in a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Condominium&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;condo&lt;/a&gt;, i.e. we own the unit but the common area, managed by &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homeowner_association&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;the HOA&lt;/a&gt;, is belonged to everyone (or no one). In the common area next to our kitchen, there were some flowers that we (actually my kids) had been waiting for their blooming for weeks. Yesterday, we found out that most of the flowers, not fully bloom, were trimmed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No need to say, my kids were so sad. So I emailed to all the families, saying that we were sad, and that we hope people leave the flowers there so that all the people can enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The HOA president suspected that the gardeners trimmed the flowers off as they came the day before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I believed this was done by the gardeners, I thought that this didn't make any sense to trim only flowers, and that they did it carelessly as some broken flowers were still attached to their stems. In retrospective, I wonder if I was a bit rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The HOA president then asked a lady, let call her Alice, in the HOA board to supervise the gardeners, as they didn't do a good job before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The neighbour next door said sorry, that his wife &quot;&lt;strong&gt;picked up&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; some flowers outside their right fence (i.e. my unit) for their arrangement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice then said she did supervised the gardeners (and implied that the neighbour's wife trimmed the flowers, not just pick up). She said in a very diplomatic way this was a minor issue, and we should resolve with understandings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My goals:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to express, in the most polite way, that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Our neighbour should not worry. It's not a big deal.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I hope they should never trim the flowers again. So &quot;don't worry or no problem&quot; may not work in this case?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The neighbour has been very nice, and as we will live here years (or decades), we want to have a good relationship with his family.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the reason I ask this question is that English is not my native language. We are tech immigrants and we have never socialized with local people before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12340" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T06:32:13.353" Title="How to tell neighbour: &quot;no problem, but you should not do it again&quot;" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15129" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-01T20:16:36.193" Score="6" ViewCount="343" Body="&lt;p&gt;My natural speaking volume is on the louder end of the spectrum.  In in-person conversations visual cues, even just seeing the other people, help me to regulate it, though I can still mess up when I'm not paying enough attention.  (Lifelong struggle here.)  And on a phone call with one other person I can match my volume to what I hear, and use the volume control on the speaker to set that at a good volume.  My problem is with group conference calls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was just in a call with two other people where one was much quieter than the other (a not-uncommon problem).  My speakers only have one volume setting, so for to hear the one at all the other was loud.  I didn't realize until afterwards, but I was matching the loud person's volume, which meant I was bothering a coworker who sits near the conference room.  Because the other people didn't have video, I couldn't make use of visual cues and the quiet person never said &quot;hey, could you tone it down?&quot; to either of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What techniques can I use to keep my own speaking volume at a reasonable level regardless of the variations in volumes among other speakers on a call?  I'd like to prevent the problem, not apologize to coworkers for it later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm aware of &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/515/106&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt;, but I think the phone aspect (and attendant lack of visual cues) is an important difference.  Also, before you ask, my hearing's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T12:45:46.077" Title="How can I better moderate my speaking volume in conference calls?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2019-03-04T19:39:24.850" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-01T21:01:35.987" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So here's the thing: In a year from now, you will have graduated, you will go to different universities (maybe), or at the very least there will be so many people at your university that you will probably never meet each other again.  Grin and bear it for a year and then you're home free!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that advice isn't particularly helpful for the situation now.  Here's my take, as someone who was bullied for most of my life as well (my solution was to eventually change schools, but that was when I was 12, nowhere close to graduating, not 17):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) As others have said, do not engage.  Don't even give him the finger or whatever, just ignore him completely.  If you have assigned seats in class, ask your teacher to switch seats with someone else to be away from him; most teachers probably shouldn't have trouble with that, because his antics are impacting your learning ability, and that's your teacher's job first and foremost, to teach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Teachers and school staff, by and large, at least in Canada where I'm from, are terrible at handling these types of situations.  It's not really worth your time talking to them at all, nothing will happen, and you'll just get more frustrated because it will look to you like the teacher is on his side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) If you're on a group project with him, you have a decision to make: Either put up, or shut up.  To be honest, if your group is more than 2 people, I would make it known: &quot;I can't work productively with his antics&quot;.  Then your group has 2 choices: They can either help the two of you work together productively, or they can take his side; in the latter case, you just contribute nothing and skate by on the work of your teammates.  It's unlikely they'll torpedo themselves to make you lose, so you get free marks for doing zero work.  That, or they'll complain to the teacher that you do no work, and you might be able to change groups, which is win-win.  Be aware that this will probably make the whole class hate you though.  For that, see above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) Regarding the birthday party, did you really want to go anyway to a party celebrating someone who you don't like?  I had a similar situation when I was in school, where my whole class was invited to some party and I wasn't, and I came to the realization that I frankly couldn't care less, because I didn't want to go to the party anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a question, though, which might shed some light on the situation: He seems to be targeting you specifically for some reason.  When I was in school, it was just known that I was the class punching bag, so everyone kind of bullied me and that's &quot;how it was&quot;.  In your case, however, it sounds like it's just this one guy.  There might be a particular reason why this one guy in particular would bully you, in particular?  Maybe you should pull him aside one day (without an audience if possible) and just try to hash it out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18408" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T22:33:04.830" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T22:33:04.830" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15131" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-01T21:04:38.897" Score="5" ViewCount="383" Body="&lt;p&gt;Riley and I are close friends, and have decided to go to a movie together while inviting a common acquaintance, Taylor, who knows Riley but whom I don't know very well. The movie theater has assigned seating, and unfortunately we couldn't be seated together, so someone would have to sit by themselves on the other side of the theater. Upon entering the theater Riley suggested that we play rock-paper-scissors and the loser has to sit by themselves. This took me by surprise, as I assumed that since we are close we would sit together. However, I did not object to the suggestion, but ended up losing, and watched the movie by myself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This upset me, and after the movie went to confront Riley about it. In my mind, Riley should have sat with the closer friend. In Riley's mind, it was a fair thing to do and doesn't understand why I am making a big deal about it. Now that both parties are upset about this, what can we do to resolve this conflict? Also, what can we do to avoid similar situations escalating in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If location matters, this is in the united states.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: gender-neutral names were used in an attempt to avoid gender-bias.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18409" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-06-04T10:14:21.010" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T12:13:47.960" Title="Resolving a conflict resulting from a disagreement of how a situation was handled" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15132" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-01T21:16:20.693" Score="6" ViewCount="677" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something I've noticed in just about every organization that I've been a part of is the old adage:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In any organization 10% of the people do 90% of the work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems particularly true in volunteer organizations, where people aren't being paid, and things are considerably less organized. To some degree, this is to be expected when you're relying on volunteers, you can't really force anyone to do anything, so you end up with a passionate handful handling the less fun work and more or less running the show.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say &quot;running the show&quot; very loosly. These people aren't really &quot;in charge&quot; they just happen to be the people who show up reliably and participate consistently. They end up making more decisions simply because they bothered to show up and make their voices heard more often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tends to cause obvious problems...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a volunteer organization where everyone pretty much has an equal say, some people end up having more say than others simply by being present more. But of course newcomers and very occasional volunteers tend to see a core group making all the decisions among themselves. This creates conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm wondering what if anything can be said or done to avoid that conflict or that perception?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My thinking tends to be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, speak up if you want to be heard. Show up to the meetings and participate. You can't really blame us for taking care of stuff without your input if you're not here, or giving input.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tends to entrench negative feelings. And worse leaves us with a number of people wanting to play &lt;a href=&quot;http://southpark.wikia.com/wiki/Captain_Hindsight&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Capt Hindsight...&lt;/a&gt; Basically those that have nothing to contribute during the decision making process, but lots of criticism after a decision is made or an action taken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've encountered this problem in all kinds of volunteer work. From beach cleanups, to food pantries, to disaster relief, to political activism, even with church organizations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's a more effective way to ask people to get involved if they want to be involved?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-06-03T05:23:06.323" Title="Asking people to step up in a volunteer organization" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;volunteering&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15129" CreationDate="2018-06-01T21:38:43.073" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two approaches you can pursue: the personal and the technological. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The personal approach would be to ask your colleagues whether the volume was an issue, and explain as you have here the difficulty you have in assessing your own volume. &#xA;Generally people are glad to have someone else broach the subject if there is a workplace problem. An appeal for input to help you judge is likely to be met sympathetically and help diffuse any tension. &#xA;Alternatively, since you seem to be talking about situations where you are physically isolated from other people and not using video conferencing, there would seem to be no restriction on you using some form of external metering of your volume. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a variety of both free and paid for smart phone decibel meter apps available. &#xA;If you use a smartphone, you could experiment with the app to see what readings you get in situations where you are confident that your volume is acceptable, and use that as a benchmark for your volume in telephone conference situations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A combination of approaches would allow you to benchmark at what volume your voice in the conference room becomes an issue for your colleague at her desk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T21:38:43.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15131" CreationDate="2018-06-01T22:47:27.250" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just talk with them (tm).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The straight-forward way of clearing up any bad feelings between Riley and yourself is to communicate each of your feelings about the incident to each other. If you foresee these situations cropping up again, work with Riley to determine an agreed upon method for dealing with these situations. Concentrate on trying to see things from Riley's perspective, and when communicating how you felt/thought, don't try to convince them that your way is the right way, simply share the facts. Using &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;I statements&lt;/a&gt; is a good place to start in regards to communicating your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I ask you to consider that, had Riley posted a question on this site asking &quot;How do I pick who to sit with at the movies?&quot; and presented their side of the movie seat dilemma I would have answered &quot;Leave it to a game of chance.&quot; (Leaving aside the fact that I think that RPS is a game of some skill,) I believe that games of chance are the best solution to such dilemmas. Below I will present a short explanation of why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the alternative you presented, that Riley &quot;sits with the closer friend.&quot; If Riley is like me, they may not clearly rank their relationships in their mind and would not be able to make a &quot;closer friend&quot; value judgement on the spot. Equally, if not more likely is that Riley would feel uncomfortable making such a call. Being identified as &quot;the less close friend&quot; is a painful experience to handle. How would you feel if Riley had taken this approach and said &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry OP, Taylor and I have a really strong link, we'll see you after the movie&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if it is clear to everyone involved which relationships are stronger than others, stating it out loud can be much more hurtful than leaving it unsaid. In fact, it could commonly be viewed as very rude to state friend preferences like this. After all of this, the source of the pain and hurt and rudeness is Riley, and Riley may have one less friend after the movie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Compare this to a game of chance. Blame falls on luck, nobody is emotionally wounded by being called out as the lesser friend. The only bad thing is that somebody is sitting alone through a movie, but that had to happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T22:47:27.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15131" CreationDate="2018-06-01T22:49:52.430" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see, both parties still upset or resented.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;To be honest.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You're probably the one who's going to &lt;strong&gt;need to apologize&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taylor might not be close to you or as close to Riley as you think you are. But Riley's gesture of suggesting the &quot;rock-paper-scissors&quot; game was a clear nice effort to cut Taylor some slack and not make them feel alienated. You can't claim hegemony over Riley's personal space everywhere you go at every time. It was just one of those things, luck chose to give Taylor and Riley a chance to be closer during this particular movie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I almost lost a friend during elementary school for being territorial about them... I was wrong, just as you are wrong in this particular situation, that's how I know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid a situation like this happening in the future, you have two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Agree to not buying additional tickets after the first batch unless the movie theater is still fairly empty.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Never confront a friend about something they did to be nice to another person, specially when their effort was fair and well intended.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck with the apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-06-04T12:11:00.103" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T12:11:00.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-01T23:03:51.970" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, this sounds pretty much like bullying for which I take a definition from &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201505/friends-or-frenemies-understanding-bullying-in-schools&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;psychology today&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bullying = Intentionally aggressive behavior, repeated over time, that involves an imbalance of power.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been the victim of bullying for several years, albeit in primary school, and learning to cope with it - on my own - has, with the benefit of hindsight, affected my life and mental health greatly and not in a positive way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was easy to be rude or mean to me, I was different, physically weak (youngest in class) and too smart and eager to learn. Just being mean turned into bullying because it obviously affected me, I got angry or I cried. That was fun, those doing the bullying had power over me, they could control my emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bullying only stopped after a while when I was able to show that their words and threats no longer affected me and even then some continued at a much lower rate, but I was able to shrug it off. It stopped being fun and the bullies no longer gained any benefits. I was still often excluded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you are fortunate in that there is only one bully. There are some possible reasons for him to display this behavior to you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he seeks to cover up weaknesses of his own by making himself appear stronger to the rest of the group by putting you down&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he has aggression control issues (he does not actually intent to harm you) which you, unintentionally, reinforce. The aggression has a net positive result to him, so the next time it is even less inhibited&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you are not the only victim of mean behavior from him, then &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conduct_disorder&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;conduct disorder&lt;/a&gt; is a possible option&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whichever it is, the key to get it to stop which you can personally handle, is to show that it does not affect you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep your cool and maintain composure.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take a deep breath and count to 10. This allows you to use better judgment in formulating a response that you will not regret later. If a response is needed at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep your distance and spend your energy wisely&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about what is important to you and spend your energy on things that matter to you instead of having an argument with someone you don't like. Note that this also applies non-verbally, don't lean or move towards him but also don't move away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Depersonalize&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't take it personally. What he says and does is a projection of his own reality and by no means your reality or observable reality. If you can stomach it, reflect for a moment on the motivations behind the aggressive display using the construct &quot;It must not be easy to ...&quot;. Note that this does not excuse the aggression but even the attempt to empathize with the bullier makes it easier to put it aside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Assert your rights&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have the right to be treated with respect, to state your opinions, to say no and to be happy. It is more than okay to say calmly and confidently &quot;I have the right to ask for clarification if I want to and you do not have the right to shut me up.&quot;. But please do not say that in an angry tone, say it matter-of-factly, cool and composed. Don't assert your rights every time, spend your energy wisely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Put the spotlight on them and reclaim your power&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This best done by asking them a constructive and probing question, possibly implying a consequence for them, such as &quot;If you treat me with disrespect, I am not going to talk with you any more. Is that what you want?&quot; or &quot;Why do you feel that it is more emotionally appealing if someone good looking dies?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be confident about yourself&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stand up straight, don't look away (unless you have decided to ignore his latest faux-pas), be proud of yourself and what you have achieved and can achieve. It is said that some martial arts training can improve both posture, self-control and self-confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastEditorUserId="16263" LastEditDate="2018-06-01T23:12:31.877" LastActivityDate="2018-06-01T23:12:31.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15139" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15128" CreationDate="2018-06-02T00:18:32.103" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since this is a minor issue as you stated and you do not wish to make anything into a bigger issue than necessary, I would suggest you simply mention to the neighbors that cut the flowers how sad your children were that the flowers were cut.  There is no need to specifically mention that you know they cut the flowers or to go out of your way to see them.  Many times subtle hints are the best way to get a thought out to someone else without calling them out, embarrassing them, or causing an unnecessary conflict.&#xA;I agree that to say it's &quot;no big deal&quot; might send the message that it is okay.  Best of luck with this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18412" LastActivityDate="2018-06-02T00:18:32.103" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-02T04:36:10.523" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the answers so far are standard advise from people who have not been in the position of the victim. They require skills or traits that you may or may not have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring / staying calm - that is easy to say and much less easy to do against someone with years of experience in getting a rise out of people. If you are zen-like enough, definitely do that, but the amount of self-control required is underestimated by most people. The bully counter-strategy is typically to &lt;strong&gt;try harder&lt;/strong&gt;, and if he sees even a sliver of a reaction coming, he will know that if he only tries hard enough, he will get some kind of reaction. I've had my stuff thrown around in the class room when I tried that. There are things that you cannot ignore and the bully knows it. Every movie ever shows the scene where the bully blocks a doorway or something.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Answering in kind - seriously? You are that witty, fast-thinking, with brilliant situational humor and biting sarcasm? How did you end up being bullied in that case? We all know that spontaneity is what you think about the next day. The bully has years of experience in this art over you, because that is what he does - come up with something his peers will laugh about on the spot. If you recently won some imprompto joking contest, try this approach. Heck, you can try it in any case because you've got little to lose, but your chances are terrible. I never tried this because I'm a slow/deep thinker, not a fast one.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Involve teachers, parents, lawyers - if you have clear evidence of his wrongdoings and if your school has an anti-bullying policy that you can hold them to, this is a great approach. In my days, bullying was called &quot;being a guy&quot;, and victims were told to not be pussies. Today is a better day in this regard. However, you need to have at least a couple examples that are irrefutable. Do you have friends who would act as witnesses in your behalf if questioned by the principal? You mention they are annoyed by the two of you. Figure out who is on your side. As an aside, who is paying for your therapist? I live in Austria but I'm not an Austrian by birth, so I assume it is your Gebietskrankenkasse, but I'm not entirely certain. If your parents pay, ask if they have considered sueing his parents for the costs. I imagine a thousand Euro payment would make his parents shut him down.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Turn the class against him - what movies are made of. I wouldn't mention it (because it's pure Hollywood fantasy) except for that &quot;everyone is annoyed by us already&quot; comment you included. If you can manoeuvre yourself into a position where it is clear to bystanders that he is the source of trouble, the opinions could turn against him. It's a small chance (because bullies are typically good in social nuances) but it is a bit different and more active than simply ignoring. It's a kind of purposeful ignoring.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Non-violent confrontation - bullies are typically insecure inside and the outward behaviour covers that up. This is a bit of a gamble because that statement is true for 80 or 90%, but there are some that are just genuine assholes. Train with a friend, not too close friend, a bit distant is better. Train what? To stand your ground, to not give in. This is the Gandhi approach. Do not attack, do not fight back against physical violence, but get back up again and come again. And again, and again and again. Stand there and look him in the eyes and &lt;strong&gt;don't back down&lt;/strong&gt;. Insecure people cannot stand a confrontation, they need to resolve it, by escalating or avoidance. You want to demonstrate that escalating doesn't work, leaving him only the avoidance. If he backs down from you even once, you have won. Typically once or maybe twice is all it takes to get him to stop forever, because he lost face. This &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; happen in public with plenty of classmates to see it. You &lt;strong&gt;must&lt;/strong&gt; offer only passive resistance. Read up on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahatma_Gandhi&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi&lt;/a&gt; for the details.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Violence - this works. I put it at the end because I'm a non-violent person, but boy do I wish I had martial arts training back in school. You only have a year left. However, as another answer correctly pointed out, you are a girl and he is a boy. Are you both Europeans? If he is from a culture where it is acceptable to beat women, don't try this. Otherwise, being hit in the face by a woman is an immediate, irrecoverable loss of face for a man. He can't hit back and he can't take it and walk away. It needs to be one solid hit. Train this. Note that he will instinctively block, so hit him in a situation where the hand on the side you are hitting from is holding something heavy (bag or whatever). It needs to be hard enough that those around who don't see it &lt;strong&gt;hear&lt;/strong&gt; it. So you want to slap, not punch.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no easy answer to bullying, otherwise it wouldn't be such a problem. Freshly turned 18, this guy has a raging hormone problem inside of him and no knowledge of how to deal with it. The fact that you can ask on an international site for advice at 17 already puts you far ahead of him and at the school reunion in 10 years you will probably laugh about his pathetic excuse for a career compared to yours, but that doesn't help you today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best help is allies in any shape and form. Friends, classmates, teachers, parents - anyone. I noticed from your question how much your thinking is focused on the interaction between you and him, but that is not the truth at all. That is how you, the victim sees it. But he doesn't see it that way. In his perspective, this interaction is far broader and involves his friends and the whole class, and you are only a small part of it. You need to broaden your perspective and get allies as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry for the long answer, didn't have time to write a short one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="4738" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T12:13:30.463" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T12:13:30.463" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-02T05:27:50.067" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are many psychological answers here, but this is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider viewing it as an &lt;em&gt;extra&lt;/em&gt;personal phenomenon, rather than an &lt;em&gt;inter&lt;/em&gt;personal phenomenon.  Schools and familial expectations exert great pressure on youth by grading them individually by arbitrary standards, (various bell curves), and many are unfairly expected to exceed those arbitrary standards, while their actual talents are demeaned or go unrecognized by adults.  To please these unappreciative and ambitious adults some unhappy kids who can't make those arbitrary grades resort to cheating -- sometimes by actual test cheating, but more commonly by colluding together and scheming against the weakest seeming person of whoever's just ahead of them, or whoever's gaining on them.  Being nearer to the middle of a bell curve provides many allies with whom to scheme with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bully is not one of those allies, but rather their instrument, he or she is usually from further leftward of some bell curves, who's so unappreciated that even mere social tolerance feels like sunshine, and the colluding kids gladly tolerate and thus indirectly employ him, and he therefore evolves into their calloused entertainer whose schtick is taking the weakest just-ahead kids down a peg.  He's a tertiary symptom of the greater secondary problem of those unhappy ones in the middle, as pressured by stern and ambitious adults, and primarily the systems (&lt;em&gt;i.e.&lt;/em&gt; schools as social war zones) they love too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all that's correct, then stopping that bullying classmate alone would probably set the colluder kids into respawning some &lt;em&gt;new&lt;/em&gt; entertainer, (there's usually not just one), like whack-a-mole, or perhaps set them against some weaker foe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for what to actually do, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/15127/6628&quot;&gt;skout&lt;/a&gt;'s answer requires a very strong stomach, but isn't half bad, which advises complimenting your bully, on the theory that a bully is a slave for respect and must really need some.  Firemen use water to fight fire...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note also that the stakes aren't just personal.  If better students are collectively removed from play, the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/radical-teaching/201010/what-do-they-call-the-person-who-graduates-last-in-medical-school&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;professions will be made up of worse students&lt;/a&gt;.  Someday one of those might make a clumsy dentist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6628" LastEditorUserId="6628" LastEditDate="2018-08-27T04:31:45.967" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T04:31:45.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15145" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-02T05:36:53.440" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The teacher is the person of authority in the classroom.  She should be dealing with the situation, not you.  If she is not, then she is not doing her job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The teacher should not tolerate you or anyone else being interrupted, cut off, mocked, ridiculed, or belittled when answering or asking a question during class.  Nor should she be tolerating any other disruptive behavior that affects you or the rest of the class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the teacher is unwilling or incapable of exerting her authority to address the situation, you need to take the issue to your parents and her superiors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, you need to be calm, objective, and emphasize a QUANTIFIABLE EFFECT of the bullying - that it is affecting your education and your ability to learn (and apparently everyone else's as well).  If you say, &quot;He's being mean to me&quot;, your concerns will likely be dismissed (even though he certainly is).  If you emphasize that your EDUCATION and that of every other student in the classroom is being affected by the behavior of the bully, then adults will take notice as this is, I would think and hope, important to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in order to make this case, you need to be sure that you are not contributing to the situation.  This means - as others have already stated - that you stay calm and do not engage or respond to his taunts.  If you are answering/asking a question in class and he interrupts, stop.  Wait for him to finish speaking, then calmly pick right back up again where you left off.  If he interrupts again, repeat the process.  When he stops, you pick up again, perhaps saying, &quot;Continuing where I left off...&quot; or &quot;As I was saying...&quot;.  If the teacher accuses you of causing the disruption, simply point out that you're just trying ask/answer a/the question, nothing more.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, first, explain this situation to your parents.  Then with them take this issue to the school administrators.  To both of them emphasize that your EDUCATION is being affected and the bully's behavior is disruptive to the entire class and the teacher is not handling the problem.  This is a quantifiable effect of his bullying that adults should be of grave concern to adults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should be happening is: The bully should be told by the teacher that his behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.  If he continues, the teacher should remove him from the classroom.  If it still continues, his parents should be notified.  If it still continues he might be given what we in the U.S. call detention, or if the two of you were here in the U.S., (I don't know how things work there), he might be expelled for a period of time (not allowed to attend school), or even permanently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the teacher is not taking these steps, the school administrators need to insist that she do so.  Your parents should contact the administrators and insist that they deal with the situation.  If that doesn't work, then what a parent would do here in the U.S. is have their attorney get involved and send the school administrators a letter reminding them of their responsibilities under the law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how things like this work in Austria, and whether your school is public or private, but one way or another your parents are paying the school for your education, either indirectly through taxes or directly if it is a private school.  By not dealing with the situation the school is depriving you and your parents of your right to the education your parents have paid for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is unacceptable.  The school administrators SHOULD be responsive to your concerns, but if not, your parents need to apply pressure on them until they take action to address the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It needs to be made clear to the bully that there will be steadily escalating consequences for his behavior that will increase until he stops doing what he's doing.  And, as someone else said, if he threatens you or gets physical, then the police need to be involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18416" LastEditorUserId="18416" LastEditDate="2018-06-02T05:46:58.103" LastActivityDate="2018-06-02T05:46:58.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15132" CreationDate="2018-06-02T13:28:40.507" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;While being a member in multiple volunteer organizations over the course of my life, I have the experience to know that this statement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These people aren't really &quot;in charge&quot; they just happen to be the people who show up reliably and participate consistently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is an illusion. Humans don't work that way. We are hard-wired to build hierarchies. Even if you consciously decide to not have formal hierarchies, informal hierarchies will form automatically. Those on top of the hierarchy will be those who take on the most responsibilities and thus make the most decisions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People subconsciously know about these informal hierarchies. If one of those people who earned an informal &quot;show runner&quot; position due to doing a lot of work makes a proposal, those who don't do anything know that they don't have earned the right to object. So they don't feel like they belong into these decision-making meetings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those who feel discontent with this situation might however object privately in discussions with other low ranking members. This can be toxic for an organization.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But how can we channel the energy used on this toxic behavior into more constructive behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An organization with a 10% core team doing and deciding everything, 90% followers doing and deciding nothing and nobody in between is usually not a healthy organizations. You should usually strive for a more pyramid-shaped hierarchy with different levels of people taking on &lt;em&gt;a bit&lt;/em&gt; of responsibility and getting &lt;em&gt;a bit&lt;/em&gt; of authority in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now is the question: How do you &quot;promote&quot; people from the followers into the middle-ground sections?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the best way to get people to get more engaged in the organization is to &lt;strong&gt;ask them privately to take on responsibilities&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you just ask into a big assembly: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Who would like to volunteer for [annoying and ungrateful task]?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then it is very easy for people to just look down and stay silent, hoping someone else will volunteer. When nobody volunteers and you pick someone, asking &quot;how about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;?&quot;, then it will look like you are using group pressure to force someone to do something, which will usually be perceived as very authoritarian. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you ask someone in a personal 1-on-1 conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;We really need someone to do [annoying and ungrateful task], which isn't actually annoying and ungrateful at all. I think you would be perfectly suitable for this task due to [positive personal qualities]. Would you like to take this responsibility?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if they want to get out of that commitment, they can't just be silent. They have to actually provide an excuse to you. If they do have an excuse they would not like to admit in public (&quot;I don't feel ready for that much responsibility&quot;, &quot;I would like to, but I am too stressed and need more time for myself&quot;, &quot;I have a good reason why I should not volunteer for this but I don't want everyone to know that reason&quot;...), they are more able to say so in a private conversation than in front of a public assembly. You can then either accept that excuse or try to convince them that it won't be that bad and that they have your full support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do agree to the task, don't forget to immediately show them your gratitude and assure them your trust in them. Personal recognition is the most important motivator to keep people engaged in volunteer work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1943" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-02T18:41:51.303" LastActivityDate="2018-06-02T18:41:51.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2211" CreationDate="2018-06-03T08:13:17.013" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Forget what you learned in college. &quot;If X happens, then I must have done something wrong&quot;. Nonsense. If X happens, then X happens, that's all. Don't let anyone tell you that everything is your fault. If you send a message and I don't reply, the only valid conclusion is that I didn't reply. Anything else is speculation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I send a message &quot;I'll see you tomorrow at 13:30&quot;. If I see that you read the message, that's my reply. That's all I need to know. In many cases, it is understood that there is no need to reply to the message - unless you disagree, for example if you can't make the meeting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if I send a message &quot;I'd like to see you tomorrow, what's a good time for you&quot;, and I don't get a reply, then I got a reply, and the reply is that you don't have time or don't want to meet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And people are busy. Yes, text messages get ignored, because people are busy, because they can't be bothered at the minute, because six hours later the message is forgotten. There is no need to worry if you don't get a reply. That's how text messages work. You send them out, they tell people what you wanted to say, and sometimes you get a reply. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. If you send me a message &quot;How was your day&quot;, that &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; be ignored, unless I'm sitting on the sofa, totally bored, and that is a very rare situation. (And unless you're my wife, and we are away from each other for some reason).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. I'd recommend to anyone, if you feel that somebody upset you, don't just ignore them. Either get over it, or tell them that they have upset you. In the unlikely event that this is what happened to OP, he would have felt a lot better being told &quot;you upset me, and I'm not talking to you&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. How do you know the message was read? It is &quot;marked as read&quot;, which means your computer or phone believes for some reason that it is read, but that doesn't mean it was actually read. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T21:46:45.687" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T21:46:45.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15157" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-03T14:16:22.510" Score="5" ViewCount="1393" Body="&lt;p&gt;We are less than 10 persons working in a small environment. My boss keeps telling us hoaxes he reads on Social Media all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been digesting his nonsense for years but I hate to see people making fun of him behind his back. How do I convince him to stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Few points to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In his culture it's very common to believe the nonsense that you HEAR from others. He is originally from the Arabian gulf region. I am not tho. We live and work in the UK.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He delivers a variety of hoaxes, stuff like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;if you enter your pin in reverse at the ATM police will attend&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but the worse ones are the medical ones like:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;you should eat pineapple because the spikes clean the holes in your lungs&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are friends but he gets offended easily.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2027" LastEditorUserId="17519" LastEditDate="2018-06-04T05:35:03.890" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T20:51:41.793" Title="How do I convince my boss to stop spreading hoaxes all the time?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15159" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-03T16:06:40.127" Score="20" ViewCount="8382" Body="&lt;p&gt;For those that are unfamiliar &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_pride#LGBT_Pride_Month&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;June is Pride month&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The month of June was chosen for LGBT Pride Month to commemorate the Stonewall riots, which occurred at the end of June 1969. As a result, many pride events are held during this month to recognize the impact LGBT people have had in the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm planning on trying to take a couple of days off from work in order to attend a few Pride events. The main one being a parade that a friend will be marching in, in remembrance of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orlando_nightclub_shooting&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Pulse nightclub shooting&lt;/a&gt; where her partner's little sister was killed. I wasn't working where I currently work at the time, so my supervisor isn't aware of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Requesting time off where I work is always a little dicey. We run on a skeleton crew, so there usually isn't an extra set of hands to help when someone needs to take time off. To further complicate matters, I work in a county that doesn't offer explicit workplace discrimination protection for LGBT folks, and those protections wouldn't apply even if we had them because I work for a religious non-profit. I can technically be fired for being queer, although I think that's somewhat unlikely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm &quot;out&quot; with a few close friends at work, but unfortunately my immediate supervisor isn't one of them. He's made some unkind/homophobic remarks in the past, so I've been hesitant to talk about my life outside of work with him. (One of those unfortunate things about &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passing_(sociology)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;passing privilege&lt;/a&gt; is that you get to hear what people really think.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been considering just flatly coming out at work for months now, just because I'm tired of having to lie and avoid certain conversations. Namely conversations like &quot;what did you do on your day off?&quot; or &quot;what are your plans for the holidays?&quot; or &quot;why haven't you moved closer to work yet?&quot; But I'm also thinking that coming out in the context of asking for time off, probably isn't ideal. There are some differences between this and, say, asking for time off for an interview.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are rules for extended leave, a week or more, but a single day or two is more discretion based. This would be unpaid leave, but they often try to force the use of paid time off in order to make sure it's all used by the end of the year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could of course put in a request for the days off without offering any reason at all, but requests like that tend to be denied. The supervisor always asks why I'm asking for time off in order to gauge how important it is...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I guess I'd like to hear from other folks who've had to walk this line in their workplace. How have you managed to successfully navigate these situations? Is coming out the only way to do this without lying?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:37:15.123" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T19:37:15.123" Title="Requesting time off to attend a Pride event" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15162" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-03T18:47:13.533" Score="5" ViewCount="606" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend runs an Instagram fashion profile. She shares photos of her and her clothing sets. She asked recently:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you enjoy photographing me? What do you think about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here's the  problem. What I think about fashion at all is that firstly I do not quite understand it (it's not that I don't pay attention to my look), secondly I think it is somehow not necessary (whole this thing about expressing your status with clothes, judging by apperances annoys me). I think clothing should be neat and apropriate to situation. I do not like to pose and when others do this, they seem somehow falsely to me. I do not like all this specifically fashion-blogs, they seem blank to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do tolerate fashion as a hobby. I do want to support my girlfriend in her passion. Photographing her with her phone (which we usually do) is not something I really enjoy, but when she borrows better camera from her friend I do like to play with it (but rather in terms of device, catching lights etc.). I do this because she enjoys that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I answered last time was something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Fashion is not for me, I do not quite understand it. When you give me a better camera I enjoy photographing you, but still fashion seems a little blank to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I answer, so that I do not somehow offend her, still expressing my thoughts but show her support even though I do not quite like it (again I do tolerate it)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16586" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-03T19:39:41.323" LastActivityDate="2018-06-03T19:39:41.323" Title="How to answer on question about hobby which is not something I like?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-06-04T08:00:50.707" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15159" CreationDate="2018-06-03T18:49:52.003" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't address coming out, but as a woman in what was a vastly male (and misogynist) dominated field, I can empathize. When I went into premature labor (by months, mind you) during a shift in the Emergency Room, I called my boss to tell him I had to leave, and he told me to not only finish my shift, but to find my own coverage for the shifts I'd miss. He cursed, saying he knew this would happen if he hired a woman. I had to call his superior to get him to do his job as the director of the ER. That's only one example, but you might help you to know where I'm coming from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is coming out the only way to do this without lying?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No. You never have to lie, and if things at work are as you say they are, it won't help you get the days off if you do come out. So what do you do instead? Tell another version of the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is very important to me personally. I know things are tight here and that you need everyone to work (to meet deadlines/whatever the case is), but I really feel the need for these days off, and wouldn't ask unless it were important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only you can decide if you want to come out or not, but to use your orientation to get something you personally want might be seen not as brave or credit-worthy, but rather as &lt;em&gt;unimportant&lt;/em&gt; to those who don't share your values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;My boss's prime objective was to run the ER with as much efficiency but as little hassle as possible. My prime objective was to save my pregnancy/baby. He saw my dilemma not in terms of real people and a life or death situation (for the fetus) but as a &lt;em&gt;hassle for him&lt;/em&gt;. Clearly our values weren't aligned. Neither will your boss's and yours be aligned.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2018-06-03T23:20:29.857" LastActivityDate="2018-06-03T23:20:29.857" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15162" CreationDate="2018-06-03T19:38:16.990" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had similar discussions with my partner. They're something of a fashionista and I prefer cargo shorts, combat boots, and old band t-shirts... I try to play along, and I make an effort to dress up when necessary, but I really don't get fashion at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though we have very different tastes and place very different values on the importance of that stuff, we still get along and even enjoy going shopping for clothes together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What seems to make all the difference is remembering to bring a sense of humor and treating the thing with some whimsy. One of our recent dates was going out for silly sunglasses. We deliberately picked out astonishingly gawdy obnoxious sunglasses for each other to try on, full on Elton John styles. We'd model them for each other and then crack jokes about how awful they were or threaten to actually purchase and wear them. Just an example, but even if you loathe fashion you can still have fun with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as your specific situation, you could just be honest. Tell her that fashion doesn't really do much for you, but you find the photography somewhat interesting. Framing it in a positive light will probably help. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Fashion doesn't really do much for me, but I enjoy photography, and it's always nice to spend time with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sharing hobbies in a relationship is nice, but it isn't mandatory. In your case it sounds like you two may have somewhat complementary interests. Fashion and photography go hand in hand pretty well. If you need a better camera rig to keep it interesting for you consider picking up a few pieces of used camera equipment. Be warned photography isn't a cheap hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really can't stand the fashion focus, (so punny) you could be honest about that too. Just be gentle about it. One of my exes was an aspiring model, and while I wasn't really interested enough to participate in her hobby with her, I made an effort to be encouraging and supportive. When she'd strike a pose I'd tell her she was stunning, but I left the camera work to a friend of hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You look absolutely beautiful, but let's let Alice handle the photos, she's much better at it than I am anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can, try to have fun with it. If it's not fun for you, don't spoil the fun for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-06-03T19:38:16.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15159" CreationDate="2018-06-03T20:52:32.123" Score="76" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your boss is a little nosier than many, but you don't need to reveal details.  I've used the following framing when I've needed to request days off but didn't want to say way (for example, because I had an interview scheduled with another employer):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need to be able to take off $date for an important commitment that can't be rescheduled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is equally true for your pride event, your cousin's wedding, your school reunion, your sibling's court hearing at which you're testifying, or anything else.  &quot;Can't be rescheduled&quot; is an important part of the phrase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boss presses for details, you can truthfully say &quot;it's a personal matter&quot;.  Most people understand that that's signal for &quot;I don't want to talk about it&quot;.  (Don't say it's a &quot;family matter&quot; if that's not literally true, lest pictures of you at the march appear where your boss might see them.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-06-04T00:32:42.900" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T00:32:42.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15168" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15169" CreationDate="2018-06-03T22:43:10.917" Score="11" ViewCount="705" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my class, everyone is looking forward to the presentation of our little project (programming with C#) at high-school. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of my class doesn't even know how to code properly and, because of that, they &lt;strong&gt;ask my help&lt;/strong&gt; (me, being a programming lover). I'm fine with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Couple of days ago, someone who I don't speak to and barely know asked me for help which I tried to help. He told me that he's having X error and such. I helped and went fine for the first time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hours later he says that he wants his program to do X in &lt;strong&gt;his own way&lt;/strong&gt; (kinda like a XY problem). When I figured it out the issue, I told him that there was a simple way to do that but he didn't listen that. I went for a search on the Internet and found a way to do it, so, to compile what I found, I wrote a sample code of that function and gave that to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question that followed it was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you adapt that code to match my database?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid saying yes to him (because I don't want to) I told him that in the next few days I could try to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that he, now, should show &lt;strong&gt;more effort&lt;/strong&gt; to me and, atleast, try to do something which the code I already gave. Besides, I have to do my own project as well and it's time-consuming helping others as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a nice way, how &lt;strong&gt;can I say&lt;/strong&gt; that I &lt;strong&gt;won't do all the job&lt;/strong&gt; for him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12962" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T00:46:25.193" Title="How to decline a help request (which suggests that I must do all his job)" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15168" CreationDate="2018-06-03T23:37:03.097" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ah... This takes me back to my early days on Stack Exchange, when I was first cutting my teeth answering questions over on Stack Overflow...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to have attracted the attention of a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.skidmore.edu/%7Epdwyer/e/eoc/help_vampire.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;help vampire&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does he ask the same, tired questions others ask?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does he clearly lack the ability or inclination to ask the almighty Google?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does he refuse to take the time to ask coherent, specific questions?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does he think helping him must be the high point of your day?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is he obviously just waiting for some poor, well-intentioned person to do all his thinking for him?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Can you tell he really isn't interested in having his question answered, so much as getting someone else to do his work?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fortunately because of online resources like Stack Exchange this is a &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/search?q=Help+vampire+&quot;&gt;well known problem with some pretty good documentation.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing I would recommend reading is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://mattgemmell.com/what-have-you-tried/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://mattgemmell.com/what-have-you-tried/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I ask you “what have you tried?”, you can say with confidence that you’ve tried all that stuff above, and you can tell me anything promising you found, or you can say that you’ve at least come up empty honestly. I’m going to help you at this point, because I can see that you want to learn and that you’re willing to work for it, and so I want to teach you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That’s the key realisation. When you’re asked “what have you tried?”, it doesn’t mean “show me the code you’ve written, or piss off”. What you have to do is at least try to help yourself - and the trying is the important thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not just for avoiding pissing off someone who would otherwise be willing to give freely of their valuable time to help you, but actually for your own development. Do it enough times and the number of questions you’ll actually have to ask will start to go down. You’ll also be in the position to help others (including me), and that way everybody wins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So next time you’re considering asking a question, you’d better be ready with a convincing answer when you’re asked “What have you tried?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your answer amounts to “not a lot”, take my word for it: the next question you get back will be “then why should I help you?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I know that links to that article became &lt;a href=&quot;https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/122986/is-it-ok-to-leave-what-have-you-tried-comments&quot;&gt;so obnoxiously common on Stack Overflow that they eventually banned it from comments&lt;/a&gt;, but it really is a very helpful piece. Take a moment to read the whole thing. It's worth the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to deter a help vampire, in my experience,  is to make them work harder to get help, from you, than you have to work helping them. Ask them what they've tried. Ask them to read the &lt;em&gt;What have you tried&lt;/em&gt; article. Ask them about what research they've done on their problem. Ask them to show you what they've written so far. Ask them to articulate what their problem is in a succinct way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't just a matter of being harsh, it's forcing them to learn the process of learning to solve their own problems. If nothing else it reduces the time it takes to help them, because it forces them to do the tedious leg work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;True help vampires want an easy meal, a quick fix, they don't want to expend effort solving their own problem. &lt;strong&gt;If asking you for help requires effort they may just go and ask someone else.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T00:12:28.413" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15168" CreationDate="2018-06-04T00:46:25.193" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;We IT workers seem to see that a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a couple issues going on. First of all, and you'll learn this if you go on to work in IT: &lt;strong&gt;Don't gold-plate&lt;/strong&gt;.  Meaning: do what's required, but don't deliver features/service beyond what's required.  You're not doing that to be a jerk; if you deliver undesired features, the project will take longer for something that wasn't asked for.  If doing a service call and you do something that the customer didn't ask for and doesn't obviously need, and you didn't clear it with them first, you'll take longer to close a support incident for no desired benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can research and find stuff on your own and as someone who has managed IT staff, I like and appreciate that.  So keep up doing that - on your own time.  That will make you a better programmer and more valuable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly: this is a person that wants you to do their work for them.  You see that in almost any field, not just IT.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being able to answer this request in a way that doesn't hurt you will be a valuable career skill.  When I get asked a question like that, I sometimes will answer, &quot;Can I?  Probably.  Will I?  I'm sorry, I don't have capacity for that right now.&quot;  That works on the job where my boss determines what I work on (and I can say &quot;if you want me to work on it, talk to my boss.  When he/she says so, I'll be more than happy to do this&quot;).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to homework, I'd probably answer something similar.  You may get arguments from the other students, but I'd stick to my guns here about your capacity.  &quot;Sorry, I have other classes and my own assignments to do.  I've helped you out; if you get stuck again feel free to let me know and I can help you figure out where this is going sideways.&quot;  Then I'd ask to see their research, what they'd tried, and get them talking about what they've done.  That sends a message that you'll help, but you expect them to try to help themselves &lt;strong&gt;first&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T00:46:25.193" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15157" CreationDate="2018-06-04T03:37:27.603" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to have this issue all of the time with elderly family members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can help him and yourself by empathizing and &lt;strong&gt;re-directing his curiosity&lt;/strong&gt; to the right place, that would be an official/believable source.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;[blablabla] pin in reverse at the ATM police will attend&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;That's interesting, one should always confirm that with the local department.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;[blablabla] eat pineapple because [yarayara] your lungs&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;That's interesting, I'll call my physician to make sure.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you already confirmed it's a hoax you can say something different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;[blablabla] pin in reverse at the ATM police will attend&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Oh yeah, I got the same message and &lt;strong&gt;asked the local department, it's a hoax...&lt;/strong&gt; can you believe the nonsense that circulates on the internet?.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;[blablabla] eat pineapple because [yarayara] your lungs&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Oh yeah, I got the same message and &lt;strong&gt;called my physician to make sure, turned out to be absolute bull...&lt;/strong&gt; can you believe the nonsense that circulates on the internet?.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually they understood on their own they were risking their credibility by uttering everything that arrives to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17519" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T05:41:16.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15174" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-06-04T06:42:54.653" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Good old high school drama. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here is the thing, and I know this post may get me into some trouble. SE is a very liberal site at times. But I am going to try anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you have to very careful the labels you use. These days we tend to stick labels on problems. Once such label is &quot;Bully&quot;. Now Bullying is a real thing, and I don't mean to say it isn't. But we have expanded the label &quot;bully&quot; to include many things that it did not traditionally contain. As such we are very quick to stick the &quot;bully&quot; label onto a situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I say be careful with that is that being bullied requires you to be the victim. And in a mild situation like this (again, historically this wouldn't even fall under the label) you get to choose how much this impacts your life, both right now and going forward.  If you decide that this is the worst thing that has ever happened in your life, then it probably will be. If you decide that he is just annoying, then that's really all that will come of it. You get to decide where on the spectrum this falls for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another important bit of information. The most hurtful things people say to us are the ones that we are self-conscience about. Like it or not, if you're not secure in your appearance, then you will always seem to find people that pick on your appearance. That won't stop after high school or college. The only real ways to get it to stop are to be more secure in your self or to never interact with people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that said, you are being annoyed, and you want that annoyance to stop. There is very little you can do practically. Going to the teacher may be the &quot;correct&quot; thing to do, but it won't actually fix the situation. You could try responding in kind, but someone that is out to cause you harm in the way you describe is probably not respecting you enough to like your words affect them (more on this in a moment). You might be able to switch classes or groups or whatever if you push hard enough, but that won't likely actually fix anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few things you can do. One of my favorite things to say is &quot;You can't control what others do, only what your reaction is.&quot; If this guy is giving you a hard time, simply decide that he isn't worth getting worked up over. It's very hard for words from someone you don't respect or care about to actually affect you. If you don't think that will work, then try looking at him and figuring out why he says those things. Does he have a bad home life or some other issue? Remember that. It's also very hard for words from someone you pity to hurt you. And finally. if he is still bothering you, look to the future. What and who do you think he will be in 10 years? Who will you be? Again it's pretty hard for words to bother you if you realize that the person saying them is pretty much at their peak and it's all downhill from here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a last resort, internally, pick on him back. Don't vocalize it just keep it in your mind. When he calls you fat, remind your self he was &quot;so desperate he wanted to date the fat chick&quot;. Or when he calls you ugly, remind your self that he is so stunted emotionally that he doesn't even know what ugly is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last piece of advice is to take care if your self. Every time he calls you fat or ugly or whatever remind your self of someone that thinks your not. It can be tricky because we have a tendency to disregard the comments by people that love us while putting so much weight on those that dislike us. I tell my wife she is beautiful, and she tells me I have to say that because I am her husband. Even though there have been several occasions that I tell her honestly that such clothes don't look good on her, or he hair looks odd done up a certain way, etc etc (my point being that I don't just flat out always say she looks good, I am also critical too). My &quot;wow you look amazing tonight?&quot; get disregarded as a husband's responsibility, but let a patient at her job make her feel ugly and it has so much pull. Point being, think of the people that make you feel good when he is making you feel bad. A kind of &quot;Well you think I'm ugly, but my boyfriend seems to enjoy me.&quot; can really soften the blow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="1712" LastEditDate="2018-11-02T21:38:07.193" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T21:38:07.193" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15076" CreationDate="2018-06-04T10:19:20.487" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try a new strategy - &lt;strong&gt;Lie&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a friend who was a dentist.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As you can imagine, his equivalent barbecue party, he'd be asked to look in people's mouths, diagnose that faint nagging feeling they've been having about this or that issue, asked to advise on which toothbrush to buy...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can imagine, he soon tired of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the past 30 years he's been telling people who ask what he does that he's a &lt;em&gt;biscuit designer&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very few people have ever had a follow up question to that, beyond, 'did you design the oreo/hob-nob/rich tea?' etc. to which he would simply answer, 'No.' &amp;amp; the party continues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This strategy, of course, works best when you are unlikely to ever meet these people again - much harder if it's a circle of friends, although a circle of friends ought to have got the message by now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10788" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T10:19:20.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15176" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-04T12:16:49.623" Score="38" ViewCount="17529" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this long time friend, living in another city. We usually kept in touch when, from time to time, he came to the city I live, or when I went to the city where he lives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It went all smoothly until the meetings were short visits, but, since recently I re-started living alone in my house, things have turned differently. He asked me if he could be my guest when he comes to my city, and I initially accepted, as I thought that it was no big deal for me: I have vacant rooms and nobody else in the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things proven to be different:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;despite I asked him if he had any preferences for breakfast and being answered &quot;nothing special&quot;, every morning he asked for a cappuccino (I never had a coffee machine for making cappuccino).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;when it's time for his favorite soap opera or TV show, he monopolizes the TV, not even asking if I have something else to watch&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;when I offered him a copy of the keys so that he was free to go out and enter the house whenever he pleased, he refused stating &quot;I won't be back too late&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This goes on for all his stay, which is around a week. All in all, I feel treated like hotel staff, without even being paid as such, and I have lost all pleasure in hosting him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore I would like to decline his requests to stay at my place, while still enjoy spending some time to see each other. So far I have attempted to indirectly decline them, i.e. &quot;that week I cannot, my sons are coming to visit&quot;, to which he simply objected &quot;oh, it's no big deal for me&quot; or &quot;oh, well, I can reschedule to another week&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely decline his future requests?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18469" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T13:24:55.627" Title="How to politely communicate to a friend I don't want to host him at my place any more?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15176" CreationDate="2018-06-04T12:36:37.980" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general for these kinds of situations it is best to remain positive and kind, but firm and resolute. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you let him know all of the things you enjoyed about his visit, that you consider him a good, dedicated friend, and as many other positive things that you can think of. Make it clear that your message isn't coming from a place of anger or irritation, but is instead a friend informing another friend of an important change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can focus on yourself for the part of the conversation where you are informing him that you are no longer comfortable with him living with you, by framing things as simply &quot;Living together has really been messing with me. I hope you can forgive me, but...&quot; and then telling him that he is no longer welcome for shared living situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience I have found that so long as people do not feel they are being attacked, targeted, or scolded they will respond in a civilized manner to just about everything. When I talk to people about such things they will often remember that it was I doing them a favor in the first place, and so long as you retract that favor politely they have no cause to be too upset. I have been on both sides of this situation as well, and it is understandable of course either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important, I think, to focus on the &quot;unavoidable&quot; nature of the situation. Even if you think otherwise, try to phrase it as if it is neither his fault, nor your fault, just the way things are, and they didn't work out, but of course you are both still friends, and you are happy to hang out. Just not sharing the same living space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3426" LastEditorUserId="3426" LastEditDate="2018-06-04T12:56:17.063" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T12:56:17.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15180" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15129" CreationDate="2018-06-04T12:45:46.077" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had this problem literally since birth, born hearing impaired and autistic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that helped me was to practice by holding a balloon close to my mouth while speaking.  You can actually feel the balloon vibrate when you get louder.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way this works is you record yourself, and start by deliberately speaking loudly while holding the balloon, then more softly and then when you get to the level where you want to be.  Then you keep practicing with the balloon once you get the volume at the right level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a private office, you can even use the balloon while on a conference call (if on speaker).  I found this worked well for me, as I haven't had complaints about my volume for years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T12:45:46.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15076" CreationDate="2018-06-04T14:10:01.017" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Conversation at BBQs with strangers is all about small talk; these people are trying to make contact with you by showing an interest in your (obviously interesting) job. However they are usually not interested in the answer. They are interested in expressing their own opinion, and/or talking about themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just answer the question in a very superficial way like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You know, I just sit at my desk and stare at math formulas all day!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then indicate that you don't want any more questions about work saying something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh well, we're not at work now right?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then introduce a new subject (anything superficial like sports, cars or pop-music will do) and turn the conversation over to them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;By the way, I really like your shirt. Do you play hockey?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then if you want to gracefully end the conversation, either talk about the weather or change the setting: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm thirsty/hungry, can I get you something?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's okay not to return to the person if it's a busy BBQ but if not, return with the drink and then tell them you found an old acquaintance you need to catch up with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also want to pick the BBQs you attend with more care...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18475" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T14:10:01.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15182" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-04T14:24:57.670" Score="6" ViewCount="593" Body="&lt;p&gt;For some initial clarification, I hope this doesn't sound like a rant, because I'm trying to pitch this question as objectively, and as clearly as I possibly can, whilst hoping that I'm not sounding negative, or angry. However I do apologise if this is the impression that my wording gives you all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: I was wondering if there was a way that you could open a bank account, or even start earning my own money without ID, initial starting money, or any kind of support to escape a somewhat impossible living situation. Since I am UK citizen, I just do not have access to the documentation to prove it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been a long time lurker/guest of this site, but never asked a question, simply because I thought someone else with my problem would crop up eventually, but I understand, that was just me being slightly ridiculous in my assumptions, so now I'm just opening up and asking (I do apologise in advance if it's in the wrong category, but I figured seasoned life hackers would be able to provide a more broad range of potential solutions, given the irregular nature of my problem).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The basic run down of this problem is that I live in a extremely class based household, not royalty, or rich beyond reason like some lavish television show setting, just painfully judgemental, and as a result of my supposedly incorrect life choices stemming from my teenage years (e.g. diet, sexual preference, religious choices and everything else you could assume would make your own child an objective disappointment if you lived in a less than progressive environment) I have had most of my options for the future substantially limited over the past few years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, since school, I haven't been able to get any work, as every time since I was sixteen that I inquired about getting a bank account in order to try and at least work for a living, or even just to save money, the idea was laughed off by my family, or was turned around to make me feel as though I was being ungrateful for &quot;having a roof over my head&quot;, or &quot;getting given anything I could ever want&quot; and other such responses. I wasn't longing for material junk, I seldom ask for anything really, I'm not a “stuff driven” person. I just kind of wanted to have some more, what I considered to be, basic rights, like an ordinary person, but regardless I never got much more than verbally shot down, one way or another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried asking other people who are much older than me, but again, I always get laughed at, as if the problem isn't a problem at all, and I should just have all the answers right away(more recently I've been called a typical millennial for it). And when ever I've brought this up to anyone else on other sites, a regular response I get is &quot;try asking someone younger who may find the problem more relatable&quot;, this option doesn't work either however, as I don't know anybody else (outside of my family) that is around my age, and I don't actually have any friends, (a fact that is not meant to sound depressing) as I simply live in a rather isolated place, and spend most of my time working in the house, so I don't speak to people often, most times that I do is when I'm allowed to assist with shopping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past, a long time ago, I have tried simply running away on a few occasions, but without anywhere to go, or a means to even earn a living, all that winds up happening is I end up homeless for a while, and then I subsequently get found and brought back to square one. I typically assume repeating this task over and over will likely take it's toll on me eventually, and could even make me ill, and incapable of working if done to often, thus making my end objective pointless. And any time I've tried to make attempts to wander off on days out to enquire about opening a bank account, most of the staff tell me (in the short time that I have) that I am unequipped to open an account, for lack of proof in both my address, ID, national insurance number, and numerous other problems that I cannot resolve as I don't have access to any of my personal documentation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I was simply asking, though it may sound like something of a broad question, what are my options in this instance, and how do I achieve the first step towards freedom through these difficult circumstances?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Closing Note: I know my living conditions perhaps do not sound bad, but I am withholding a great deal of information to avoid making this question a novel in length, and to ensure that I am not painting my family out to be bad people, as they probably assume they have my best interests in mind with their actions. But in regards to my own problem, I would rather get it resolved sooner rather than later, as opposed to locking horns with anyone on the matter any further. So any advice on the matter would be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18476" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-06-04T14:38:27.907" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T15:10:00.853" Title="How to get out of a dysfunctional living situation with irregular circumstances?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="19" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-06-04T15:59:56.217" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15176" CreationDate="2018-06-04T14:31:46.870" Score="87" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to take a different approach from Onyz's answer.  Are you sure your guest is actually being malicious?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cappuccino for breakfast is not that special for people used to drinking coffee, I would make sure you clearly conveyed you don't have the ability to make coffee in your house and you are not willing to, I get the feeling you haven't actually had a conversation about how you feel about this.  I also don't drink coffee, but I've also been requested this before and have learned to make sure I mention I don't have supplies to make coffee before inviting guests to my house.  It's also a simple enough thing that your guest could buy their own machine to make coffee if they wanted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For TV I would assume I'm fine watching what ever I want &lt;em&gt;unless some one &lt;strong&gt;told&lt;/strong&gt; me otherwise&lt;/em&gt;.  It sounds like you simply haven't conveyed your interest to watch something else on TV.  Since it is your house, you have ultimate control over what ever goes on there, so when your guest is watching TV and you know that you are going to watch X show, or going to do Y thing with the TV (even if it isn't scheduled) you should let your guest know, &quot;Hey I'm going to watch/do this X at this time, just letting you know&quot;.  Make sure &lt;strong&gt;not to ask&lt;/strong&gt;, its your house, you define the rules.  This is typically what I've done and what other hosts have done for me, and I've never felt personally insulted or angry by this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the keys I would see that as them being polite, but clearly you don't know if you'll actually be available and you don't necessarily want to be responsible for letting them in every-time you aren't there.  Instead of getting angry about this, I would simply state the facts &quot;It may be the case that you aren't going to be out, but I can't guarantee that I'll be here every time you need to come in, so I would prefer that you have these keys&quot; and hand them to them with out taking a negative response. I've refused similar items in the past and this is how people dealt with me, and that made it clear that It was necessary for me to have the item with out devolving into argument. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still wish to not continue hosting him for the reasons you stated, if they are a &lt;em&gt;relatively close&lt;/em&gt; friend I would mention how you felt in your stay rather than effectively lying to them first about how neutral your experience was with them.  In my experience not tackling these issues results in permanent harbored ill will to the friend in question even when you never host them again. The conflict you perceived was never resolved and they probably didn't realize you thought something bad was going on.  You want to mention how you &lt;em&gt;felt&lt;/em&gt; about certain actions, make sure &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are open to the possibly the way you perceived the intentions of another individual was not correct. Once you've moved passed understanding the positive or negative intentions, if you still feel the same way you did before, then you can go onto talk about how you think it would be best they didn't stay over but you are still fine to hangout. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18474" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T14:31:46.870" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15186" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-04T15:12:45.777" Score="3" ViewCount="426" Body="&lt;p&gt;My coworker, superior, and friend did not show up to work this morning. What is the standard or accepted procedure for checking in on them? No-call no-shows are not taken lightly in this organization, and they are atypical for this person as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sent the following text/call combo:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After 30 minutes late, I texted &quot;Are you coming in today?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After 1 hour late, I attempted a phone call&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After 2.5 hours late, I texted &quot;I'm a little worried - is everything ok?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What else can I do? I am truly concerned but I do not want to make a bad impression by repeatedly attempting contact on their cell phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18477" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T15:24:43.453" Title="Procedure/Etiquette for No-Call No-Show Coworker" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-06-04T16:59:40.450" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15187" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15186" CreationDate="2018-06-04T15:24:43.453" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The spacing between your responses isn't overbearing and repetitive, given the circumstances.  I find that a gap of around 30 minutes to an hour between contact attempts is acceptable, but you should also stop or slow down after a few hours of no contact.  Your friend could possibly have had an offsite meeting that you were unaware of where he turned his phone off in order to limit distractions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again I can't really speak on what actually is going on with your friend but I would slow down on your attempts to contact him and ask his superior to find out if he actually is a no-call-no-show, as Link0352 said in his comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T15:24:43.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15188" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15204" CreationDate="2018-06-04T17:43:57.830" Score="4" ViewCount="1661" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not like to be disturbed or constantly asked questions while I'm working intently. I use headphones to deal with that, and do not like to be disturbed while I have them on. How do I tell my coworkers, that I do not like being disturbed at the moment, and they may connect with me using an instant messenger, and should disturb me only if the issue is of urgent concern?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13426" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-04T18:01:47.990" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T04:59:52.977" Title="How to politely ask a coworker not to disturb me when I have headphones on" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15191" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15188" CreationDate="2018-06-04T18:04:34.563" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put a sign (or many) somewhere that is visible to people walking up to you that says something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do not disturb me while I have headphones on. You can contact me on (whatever instant messenger you use)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your coworkers should be able to see the sign when they come up to you, and if they do end up ignoring the written warning and asking you something that is unimportant anyways, you can always refer back to the sign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T18:04:34.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15188" CreationDate="2018-06-04T18:18:43.160" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not rude to set boundaries that help you work better and don't detract from the business.  Nor is it rude to clearly let others know what those boundaries are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometime when you are not busy, simply let the co-worker know what the headphones mean and what type of communication you would prefer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Steve.  When I have the headphones on, it means I'm concentrating.  If you have a question while I have them on, I would prefer you contact me via IM or email.  If it's super important, then sure, get my attention.  But otherwise, please let me concentrate on my work.  I do see the IMs and will respond when I can.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, just use your words.  That's not rude!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1814" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T18:18:43.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15087" CreationDate="2018-06-04T18:51:28.423" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yup. I've been there. I've often wound up being the lone male in a yoga class. To make matters more interesting, I work at a university and use its facilities, so often I'm in a class filled with early to mid 20 year old women, while I'm in my early 30's. Like, you, I enjoy socializing. What to do? Well, in short: be friendly, be respectful, and be there to exercise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't actively engage in &quot;avoiding creepiness.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DO engage in friendly, open behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On dialogue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep socializing brief initially. Smiling and saying &quot;Hello&quot; and &quot;How are you?&quot; is good. Helping others with equipment, and short positive comments when wrapping up a session are okay too. Seek to make others feel welcome. If and when they wish to speak further, let them take the next step. You've already demonstrated you're open to conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thank the instructor!  Ask them questions if you actually have any, too. The instructor is literally paid to talk with you, to answer appropriate questions. Other members may have questions too, and from what I find, dialogue begets dialogue. Treating the instructor as a fellow human being can really open a class up after a few sessions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you actually know someone in the room from outside the class, say hello in some shape or form. Perhaps consider inviting a friend along once or twice. You'll have a partner to chat with, and others will see that, well, you're a real person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On practice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't deliberately position yourself behind self-conscious members, those who wear revealing clothing, or those who may distract you personally.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's generally okay to ask for advice. People like to know that a) their efforts have paid off and b) that they're useful. So, the occasional compliment on someone's technique and the seeking of their help is probably okay to ask. It's a good segue into dialogue, as asking for advice on physical activities is an exchange of questions, gestures, and motions. If they're not in the mood to help, though, don't worry about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On observing others:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you can read subtle cues and can tell that another member is self-conscious or overly aware of your presence, don't let it faze you. Most likely, the member has yet to calm into their exercise mindset and may feel a bit of a spotlight effect. Maybe they were rushed from work or had a stressful day. Keep your focus on your exercises, or if resting, engage in some relaxing stretches and in general, pay them no mind. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If your eyes wander, recenter yourself on your exercise and breathing. It's a natural occurrence, and not one to be ashamed of - controlling yourself by looking away is in and of itself a respectful act. Even if the other member takes note, it's not the end of the world.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That being said, it is okay to look at another's form! Exercise is about growth, and we learn a lot from observing one another. In this case, take in the information briefly and deliberately. Your eyes and face should signal curiosity and perception. Again, be mindful of who you observe and how often. Observing more skilled practitioners, who display confidence, is generally more acceptable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8357" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T18:51:28.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12927" CreationDate="2018-06-04T20:18:36.797" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is supplemental to the other answers here, but it would probably also help to show appreciation to people who have been correctly gendering you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have much experience with trans people (please correct me if this isn't the right term), but I may have a similar story from the other side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my friends in college had a somewhat complicated Asian name. Most of my friends took to just calling him the first syllable of his name instead of attempting it all; I tried to call him his whole name every time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was always a little confusing for me to know if I should be making that effort. Noone else was, he still responded to his shortened name, it was noticeable to others I was the only one doing it, and I wasn't even sure it was that important to him. One day, though, when it was just the two of us he took that opportunity to thank me for it. Nothing huge, just &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Hey man, I just want to say thanks for always calling me [full name]. I really appreciate it.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That made it a lot easier for me; I've just always called him his full name ever since, and I also noticed I stopped thinking about what to call him pretty shortly after. It really helped being certain how I should move forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, I know a lot of people aren't sure how to approach someone who has recently transitioned. They might not know which pronouns you like and they might not know if it's important to you. They might be unsure if they should be using your old pronouns or your new ones, and I'd be willing to bet that for every few people guess wrong, there are a few people who get it right but are still guessing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd advise letting those people know you appreciate it; that it is important to you, and that have been doing the right thing. That should help those people be certain moving forward that they're gendering you correctly, but on top of that they may let other people know now that they've got more confidence. After my friend thanked me, I found myself occasionally telling other friends, &quot;he actually prefers [full name] over [short name].&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastActivityDate="2018-06-04T20:18:36.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15176" CreationDate="2018-06-04T23:37:59.350" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact that you ask how to do this nicely indicates that you want to keep this person as a friend. I would recommend that you also give that decision some thought. My life has gotten a lot better once I started surrounding myself with people who treat me well and allowing people who treat me poorly to drift on by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two things at play here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The way your friends actions make you feel.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What you're gong to do about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you share how you feel before jumping to what to do about it, the process feels more collaborative and is less offensive. It also has the benefit of eliminating any confusion about what brought this about. This tactic is super important in long-term caring relationships. You gotta express how you feel so the other person can try to avoid making you feel bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;When you repeatedly ask for fancy coffee beverages that I'm not equipped to make, it makes me feel like a bad host. It also makes me feel like you're treating me like a hotel worker, not like a friend.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I find your behavior regarding the television discourteous. This is my home, you are a guest. A courteous guest would make an effort to accommodate my use of the TV first and at the very worst would not monopolize it every time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;When you won't take a set of key's you're putting responsibility on me to accommodate your schedule. That reinforces the feeling that you're treating me like a hotel and not like a friend and host.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now is the point where you engage your friend in the conversation, they get to understand how their actions make you feel. You do them the courtesy of allowing them to apologize if they wish. They can choose to modify their behavior or they can take it as a lesson for the future. They now never need to wonder &quot;Gee, why doesn't anyone invite me to be their guest anymore?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And depending on how that goes the next phase can be less offensive:&#xA;&quot;I hear that you're sorry, I really think you'd be happier in a hotel or Airbnb that can really cater to your needs.&#xA;You should do that from now on.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10357" LastEditorUserId="10357" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T20:47:11.097" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T20:47:11.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15157" CreationDate="2018-06-05T00:04:30.147" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could just be honest without being brutal and bring it all back to work. You are, after all, at work and trying to be a productive company. To have a productive company, you need good leadership and if your boss is going off-topic with random hoaxes, this is hurting their leadership and the way that the employees view him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day, just before you leave or he leaves, you should mention that you are worried some of the topics he randomly brings up are actually hurting his credibility with the staff -- he is becoming more of a friend with bizarre ideas that don't make much sense instead of a boss that people see as their leader. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come to him as a good person that is looking out for his best interest. You know that he is just trying to be helpful and spread some good information he read, but it might not be coming off the way he sees it. Let him know that some of the things he brings up are silly and don't make much sense and just come off as distracting as they don't pertain to the work you do. Let him know that you want people to look up to him as their leader, but when he does some of this stuff, it doesn't show the best leadership. You look up to him as a leader and want the other employees to do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully you can play to his strengths and he will see you as someone that has his back and see's the greater goals of the company. If he thinks that his hoaxes are not silly, you could have a couple of his hoaxes in mind that have been clearly debunked to offer a different perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17427" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T01:25:32.840" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T01:25:32.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15200" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-05T03:07:50.070" Score="47" ViewCount="16328" Body="&lt;p&gt;I volunteer at a charity, where meetings usually run overtime as staff   go off-topic. I had to attend a 30-minute meeting, in a room with no clock. After we discussed the relevant subjects, a donor to our charity and a senior staff started to go off-topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even when off, my smartphone shows a clock on the screen. Assume that I can't place my phone in plain sight (on a desk), as this looks unprofessional. Worried that we had gone overtime, I took out my smartphone from my pocket to glimpse at the clock. The donor noticed, and said  bitterly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you have somewhere more important to be, then don't hesitate to leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid upsetting a donor, I apologized and said  I could stay. I had nowhere urgent to be, but I preferred returning to my desk to use my time to help clients, rather than listening to prattle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He &lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/q/32530/50720&quot;&gt;caught my drift&lt;/a&gt;, and quickly ended the meeting. But offended, he  kept scowling at me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T19:09:28.423" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T05:02:08.330" Title="How can I check the time on my smartphone without looking self-important?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15201" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-05T03:53:21.480" Score="11" ViewCount="2337" Body="&lt;p&gt;Context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A while ago I purchased limited edition chocolate and I had been saving them for myself, to eat at a later time. To my distress, I found out that my boyfriend opened it without my knowledge or permission and ate most of it. I grabbed the remainder of the chocolate from him and expressed my displeasure, telling him I was saving it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the time, the dog was refusing food, so I verbally expressed my concern that she's refusing food and might be sick. At the same time, I guess he started speaking about some code he had finished. He expresses how I don't care, but to my mind the more important topic to everyone is the state of our dog's health. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response, he took the remaining chocolate from my desk and threw it out into the trash, stating &quot;If I can't have it, you can't either.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't understand this (in my eyes childish) behavior, even if this is actually startlingly similar to what my dad would do to express a point. To me, this behavior seems to come completely out of the blue, after periods of perfect stability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What breaks my heart the most about this is that his stated reason for his actions (sometimes only discernable later) is usually contrived or a distorted version of reality and just doesn't make sense to me in any way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, in this case I asked my boyfriend what happened. He said it was because I spoke over him when I spoke regarding the dog and that this made him angry. In my mind, this is not even close to being a valid justification for him throwing out something of high value to me. He seems to think that the way he behaved is the only way he can make me understand the anger he feels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Q: How do I express to him that this kind of behavior is not okay, and that he needs to be aware of what's going on around him rather than only looking at his own issues?&lt;/strong&gt;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17392" LastEditorDisplayName="user15922" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T21:17:55.990" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T06:47:24.807" Title="Boyfriend anger expression issues - &quot;If I can't have it, you can't either&quot;" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15202" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15208" CreationDate="2018-06-05T03:59:10.363" Score="3" ViewCount="1100" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've been &quot;good&quot; friends with a co-worker for 2 or so years now.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We have lunch together, from nearby food vendors, every day.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After some recent events, I've decided I want to create some space between us and &lt;strong&gt;discontinue the habit of having lunch together everyday in particular&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Having lunch together became more of a habit of necessity as it saved us both from venturing out alone, conversation was a bonus (and is somewhat stale nowadays).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How would I go about doing this without making it obvious that I am simply avoiding them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Criteria:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Meeting one or two days a week would still  be okay, just not &lt;strong&gt;every day&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As this is a coworker, I don't want to antagonize them by making it clear that I am severing all ties - nor do I want to sever all ties. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They haven't done something particularly egregious that would justify a complete separation, but personally I feel I just want to create &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; distance. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Things that are not an option:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Blaming it on meetings I must attend (I have no meetings).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Blaming it on &quot;too much work&quot; (I don't think it will 'stick' as a credible genuine excuse for more than a couple days).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm struggling to think of ways that will not become transparent avoidant excuses sooner or later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18489" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T05:40:13.000" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T22:10:07.103" Title="How to inconspicuously distance myself from an unwanted friendship at work" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15188" CreationDate="2018-06-05T04:59:52.977" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do the same at work to focus and also don't like to be disturbed. This began while I was in somewhat of a 'junior' role and didn't want to impose silence on my managers or come across as being rude. What I ended up doing was, prior to putting on the headphones, saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, did you need something from me? I'm going in &quot;my bubble&quot; now to focus. It's noise canceling soooo just chat me if you want something [and smile]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the first few times, I stopped having to point out the headphones were noise cancelling. So basically, first I check that there aren't any questions for me at that time, and then I make the &quot;my bubble&quot; or &quot;my cone of silence&quot; joke and forwardly say I can be reached on &quot;chat&quot; (which all coworkers know means, Google Hangouts).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I let people know I want to focus, not so much that I don't want to be disturbed, and that I'm still available on IM. This has always worked for me since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17362" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T04:59:52.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-05T05:10:03.253" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Shy of having a phone with an always on screen, as mentioned above, and having to place it on the table, which you say you're not comfortable with... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One method I've personally used is to excuse yourself to the bathroom. Check the time there, return to the meeting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, arrange with a co-worker to message you at a specific time and use the vibration notification as an indication, or, indeed, use a third party app that assists with this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also had success including my phone in the conversation as if to say I'm checking an email or document that pertains to the topic at hand so I can refresh my memory or use that information to contribute to the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's an awkward situation to be put in regardless, I'm sorry you had to experience it :( Hope you can take some of these tips on board. Good luck :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T05:10:03.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15206" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15212" CreationDate="2018-06-05T06:29:33.690" Score="12" ViewCount="2611" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was looking for a singing teacher to give me private singing lessons. I emailed and left voicemails for a lot of teachers I found online. Only 2 bothered to even reply. I went with the first teacher to reply because she was the only person (at the time) to reply as well as having a great teaching style and being a very awesome teacher to learn from. I'm about 4 months into taking private singing lessons with her and I love it and have made a lot of progress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 2nd teacher replied to my email about a couple months after my initial email to her. I had heard glowing reviews about her as a teacher from her students. She is &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; accomplished as a singer. I would like to take lessons from her in the distant future after extensively learning with my 1st teacher (maybe after a year or so?) to get a sense of what different teaching styles there are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that giving myself input from multiple sources would be amazing for my growth as a singer. If you don't have multiple points of reference for how different singing teachers teach, you wouldn't know whether 1 teacher does something well that other teachers don't. It's nice to be able to compare so that you know what works for you and what doesn't work for you as a student. I don't want to take 2 sets of singing lessons in parallel because it would be too big a commitment for my daily life, which is why I want to learn from the 2nd teacher in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that being honest and saying, &quot;Hey, I already have a teacher now, but I want to take lessons from you in a year or 2&quot; won't work &lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt;. &lt;strong&gt;How do I tactfully put the 2nd teacher on hold so that I may take lessons from her in the distant future while keeping the relationship cordial since  I am delaying potential student-teacher lessons for a long time?&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;[1]: It seems out of line &amp;amp; presumptuous to essentially be asking someone, &quot;Hey, I want you to keep me as an option very far in the future when you may not even know what your teaching situation or life situation will be at that time. Me, someone who you barely even know and have no obligation towards; you should definitely keep someone like that in the back of your mind taking away attention from the more important, immediate things in your life.&quot;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18493" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T13:44:43.637" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T15:49:19.560" Title="Keeping a potential music teacher a possibility for future learning?" Tags="&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-05T06:55:19.967" Score="78" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am from Belgium, I don't know if there is a lot of cultural differences between our countries but I find the reaction of the donor unprofessional and misplaced. I think it is rather rude to say such a thing, and I think it is everybody's right to simply check the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, the donor has no way of knowing why you checked your phone. Maybe you were expecting an important text or email. There could be dozens of important reasons to check your phone, all of them that he has no need of knowing. So don't feel too much as if you were the one doing something bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will try to expand a bit more on the interpersonal side of the issue. While I don't think you did anything wrong, it is a difficult scenario to bridge with the other party. I say this because I think it is not you that feels self-important but them. Additionally, I also think that when a person takes offence in such a small thing, they are (In my personal experience) more prone to take critique in a defensive or otherwise not a productive/ bad way. So I vote against discussing this with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That, of course, leaves not a lot of other, simple solutions. As Incog mentioned in their answer you can choose to excuse yourself to the bathroom or have somebody else text you at time x.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The root of the issue seems to be other people getting side tracked. In regards of that you can try to pull everybody back on track. Note that even if you bring this as gentle/ kind as you can, some people might still take offence in this. Your donor being the kind of person I would guess to do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For bringing it up, I suggest you either bring it very gently and friendly, or use humor in it (if the situation allows it). In my personal work environment I would say something along the lines of &quot;Alright guys, let's get back to the issue at hand now, enough chit chat.&quot; But I can see this would not be okay in all environments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If yours does not allow this, try something more neutral and friendly, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me ladies and gentlemen (Maybe this is too formal?), but we should get back to the meeting schedule, we only have limited time &lt;s&gt;and there are important things left to discuss.&lt;/s&gt; There are still other things we should discuss (At the suggestion of @Raidri).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does help if your meeting has a schedule, points it needs to address, so you can use that as a reference. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now how to prevent this from happening in the future, by technical means.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I own a fitbit, and it also tells me the hour, it is pretty easy to tap it and see the hour appear on the screen. It is very clear yet plain white on black text, so you can easily see it without moving your arm closer to your face while others might not even notice the display lighting up. Perhaps this, or another sort of it, might be an option. Don't buy it just for this though as it is quite expensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have a watch and when I wear it I have the habit of taking it off and putting it down on its side, in front of me. Above my notebook or next to my laptop. I do this because I easily get hot and just dislike the feeling of the wristband when writing and/or typing. When put this way, it is easy to quickly peak over at it to get the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, you have a myriad of pens, I don't find a link now, but I know there are pens with clocks in them. Usually, these are designed for kids, and tacky, but it might be another solution to your issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastEditorUserId="3389" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T12:08:41.820" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T12:08:41.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15202" CreationDate="2018-06-05T07:23:17.987" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; This is a habit and as such, him noticing you pulling away is unavoidable. The quickest and easiest way to break a habit is deprive him of his reward for a period of time. I'd suggest being straightforward and taking a two week break from the lunches and then approaching him about cutting down the days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Why keeping it &amp;quot;inconspicuous&amp;quot; is hard&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's funny that you call this a &amp;quot;habit,&amp;quot; because that's exactly what him inviting you and then eating lunch with you every day has become.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.npr.org/2012/03/05/147192599/habits-how-they-form-and-how-to-break-them&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;NPR&lt;/a&gt;, a habit is formed from 3 parts, called a &amp;quot;habit loop&amp;quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, there's a cue, or trigger, that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and let a behavior unfold.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is lunchtime at your work or his stomach growling or a glance at the clock right around noon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then there's the routine, which is the behavior itself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is his invitation or him going over to your desk or however you begin your lunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The third step...is the reward: something that your brain likes that helps it remember the &amp;quot;habit loop&amp;quot; in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is you eating lunch together, namely his opportunity to socialize (which from what you said is rare) while also getting a break from work. If he likes you it's probably also getting spend time with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because this is a habit and probably near automatic for him at this point, a sudden absence of your lunchtimes will immediately standout to him. He &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; notice that you're distancing yourself, no matter how you do it. As such, I'd like to challenge the premise of your question. I don't think it's possible to be &amp;quot;inconspicuous&amp;quot; here. That being said, what's the best way to distance yourself without ruining the friendship and making things awkward?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Breaking the habit&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The NPR article goes on to talk about how to break a habit. Namely by removing the cue and reward. In your case, it's not possible to remove the cue, but you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; remove the reward. I would suggest that you spend a week or two without having lunch with him. After that long breaking his habit, when you go back to lunch with him again it will be far easier to cut it down to a day or two a week without him pushing for more. He may also find other people to have lunch with in that time! No matter what happens, two weeks without you will help break his reliance on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;A &amp;quot;conspicuous&amp;quot; solution&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To do this, I'd be straightforward and tell him in advance that you don't want to eat with him for the next two weeks:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey [friend], I feel like we've been eating lunch together a &lt;strong&gt;lot&lt;/strong&gt; lately and I've been wanting to mix things up for a while. I have some coworkers that I've been meaning to catchup with and things have been getting crazier around the office so I won't even be able to leave some days*--how about we take a break from all the lunches for the next two weeks?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Feel free to swap this whole sentence up to the star out for any other personal reasons. You've just mentioned in a comment that you want time for personal reflection--that would be something perfect to bring up here! Or that you want time away from all of work--coworkers included.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I've given three seperate reasons for taking a break in that excerpt (all of them true from what you said in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/15202/how-to-inconspicuously-distance-myself-from-an-unwanted-friendship-at-work?noredirect=1#comment61578_15202&quot;&gt;this comment&lt;/a&gt;) and none of them insinuating that your coworker is at fault for this situation. You want to try to make this about you (especially if they're shy/self-concious!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once the two weeks are up, tell him that you'll be willing to do lunch 2-3 times a week, but you've found that you enjoy a little time to yourself to take a break from everything work related. At this point, as explained, he should be far more amenable to not eating every day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T07:23:17.987" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-05T08:32:47.853" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When meeting important people (that is important to you or your cause) you should plan ahead that they might go overtime. Ideally it won't bother you at all, so you have no need to check the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have something universally understandable important (pregnant wive with expectations of delivery any day now or similar), just mention it up front that you might leave on short notice due to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have something that's &quot;just expensive&quot; (like a plane you need to catch), mention it casually at a convenient time and have a timer that informs you when you need to leave, then quietly stand up, excuse yourself and leave. There is no need for anyone else to leave for that too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it this way: If you check the time and you see that you are overtime: What would you do? Leave anyway? Then its important enough. Stay? Then don't check the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11929" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T08:32:47.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15210" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15046" CreationDate="2018-06-05T08:33:51.950" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pulling the earphones out might not hurt, but this doesn't matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First you need to ask you the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why does someone have their ear phones plugged in during work?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually because this person wants to concentrate and wall off from the surroundings. Earphones limit the environmental influences to strengthen your focus. Imagine this like a bubble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why is it inappropriate to pull their head phones out or pat them on their back?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By making physical contact you are invading this bubble. Even worse is pulling some ones headphones out. I would get angry as f%&amp;amp;k. By simply stand next to de desk and wave,tab on the table or sending a message, you only knock on this bubble. You still let the person the chance to wave you  off: &quot;Not now&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Compare it with walking into someones house yelling &quot;Hello&quot; or useing the doorbell. &#xA;Which would you prefer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1645" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T08:33:51.950" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15206" CreationDate="2018-06-05T08:43:34.437" Score="25" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tactfully put the 2nd teacher on hold?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I would do for any reseller/supplier who finishes second in the grab-a-student-race: politely let them know they came (too) late. Don't blame them, just be nice and handle the situation in a neutral and professional way. &lt;strong&gt;Don't burn any bridge, as they shouldn't do it too.&lt;/strong&gt; ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always do that with suppliers. They fight for business opportunities, and there's no second place &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;at 1st sight&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;. And they know it. If they missed it, they may get a chance in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the same here. The second teacher missed an opportunity by answering very late. They shouldn't be surprised that you found someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I would answer, leaving the door open. Kind of (done with your own words/style):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi Alice,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for coming back to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I heard great things about you, and I got very good feedback from former/current students.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this time, I've already started a course (xx months ago), and have to finish it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if I have the opportunity, I'll be happy to take lessons from you once it's complete.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(pleasantries here and bye/see you in the future)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you thank them, tell them you don't dislike what they do, that you keep interested in a possible future &amp;quot;partnership&amp;quot;, and leave the door open. They will probably understand that it's because &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; came late that they lost the market, and not because of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if they don't understand by themselves, it's a big red flag!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T15:49:19.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-05T11:40:52.930" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are several rather separate issues here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the tendency of meetings to go beyond the scheduled time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the need to give extra deference to topics your donor wishes to discuss&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;your desire to excuse yourself from meetings in a timely manner without offending VIPs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the technical issue of subtly learning what time it is. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The technical issue is the easiest and the least interesting -- keep your phone in your pocket and use an alarm clock app or private meeting notification to make it vibrate in a certain pattern at a certain time. (I am assuming that you have a specific competing obligation for your time rather than just the urge to flee an overlong meeting if you can.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping meetings on track and within the allotted time is a much discussed general workplace issue. It may be worth raising the issue with the chair of a rambling meeting to see if they have any ideas for better focused meetings. One tactic that I have seen work well is to split rambling meetings into smaller sessions, both to help keep focus and to narrow the audience required to attend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possible solution is to recognize when a conversation has gone beyond the main topic of the meeting and no longer requires a full quorum. If the chair says &quot;those not working on project X are excused.&quot; then those to whom the meeting is no longer relevant can leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deferring gracefully to the wishes of important people is a skill that everyone can benefit from. If your organization's primary donor will be offended if staff members aren't interested in hearing their opinions, then staff need to sit and listen politely. (This is a special case of The Golden Rule: &quot;she who has the gold, makes the rules.&quot;) If your donor is truly out of line, Senior Management should try to find a way to tactfully and privately raise the issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for getting out of the meeting gracefully, that depends a lot on your office culture.  It's one thing to apologetically leave an end-of-day meeting that runs over your working hours when you have a bus to catch or kids waiting at daycare, and another thing to just want to get back to work. You can try saying something like &quot;if I'm not needed here any more I'd like to get back to (some task)&quot; but that doesn't leave you much recourse if you're told you are needed to stay, and may leave you out of the loop on important decisions and tasks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've worked in a lot of different organizations with wildly different approaches to meetings -- what works well in one place will come across as rude in another, so my experiences should be measured against your office culture to see if they will fit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T11:40:52.930" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-05T11:48:22.640" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;IF you lead the meeting, start a meeting with something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay we are scheduled till 13:00 and I am afraid I have to leave right after to see after this &lt;em&gt;important charitable cause&lt;/em&gt;. So please let´s focus on the agenda first and don´t be offended when I watch the time a little. Of course you are welcome to stay and discuss individual topics and enjoy some more coffee for as long as you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are just one of the attendees a short.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I have to leave right on time today, so please don´t take offense if I have to watch the clock occasionally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(adjust phrasing to fit your culture/style/circumstance)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you set the expectation for how much the attendees need to keep time discipline and also for your watching the clock. This is generally a good Idea to hold effective meetings. Additionally, as a donor will be sympathetic to your cause, he should be understanding that you have to look after it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I experience this kind of behavior frequently in business-meetings, mainly German but with mixed nationalities attending and is is usually well recived.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T14:13:33.920" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T14:13:33.920" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15218" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-05T12:00:15.290" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;(Guys/Folks/Gentlemen,...) Excuse me for a minute...!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Outcome A: The others just ignore you or gently nod and continue the chit-chat.&lt;/strong&gt; All good. Check the time once outside. If you really have another engagement, just say it once you are back; any IPS problem henceforth is theirs, not yours. A &quot;donor&quot; for charity would not like to appear scoffing at a similar cause (any other &quot;engagement&quot; you would have most certainly is related to charity too).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Outcome B: Questioning looks (whether benign or hostile).&lt;/strong&gt; Explain that you need to check with someone on an urgent update you were awaiting regarding &quot;Charity Project Y&quot;. Of course, that someone (your trusted coworker, for example) should be able to back up your &quot;excuse&quot; just in case they wander into the room while you are away (&quot;ah yes, I am here for that too&quot; or something similar). Again, a &quot;donor&quot; for charity would not like to appear scoffing at a similar cause, so you should be excused without any drama. (From here, it should be similar to Outcome A).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Outcome C: Hostility.&lt;/strong&gt; Not your IPS problem. Anyone who (politely) asked to be excused deserves a chance to explain. You may just have to live with this self-important donor (you are helping the charity that way). Your workplace policy and/or local law will guide you on the extent of such misbehaviour that you can tolerate beyond which it becomes a workplace safety issue. I know it becomes tricky given the context of charity, but you are the best judge when the situation develops beyond being just a bad day at work to an employee safety/rights issue (and how much of the grey area in between you can safely tread without causing extreme duress to yourself).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1592" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T17:00:52.500" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T17:00:52.500" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15202" CreationDate="2018-06-05T12:12:20.000" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your question and comments, I get the feeling you two eating lunch is purely utilitarian for him, it takes away stress and worries he has about eating lunch, alone or in company of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it is nice he can fix that by eating with you, this does not make you obliged to be his defacto lunch buddy. You don't need 'good' excuses either, he might think it is a custom now that you two go out and have lunch together, so it is time he realises this is not the case. The best thing is for him to realise this on his own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest evading his calls for lunch before he makes them at the start. Since he kind of depends on you two lunching together, you could talk to him in the morning as a heads up sort of way. This also makes it clear that you are not trying to get rid of him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like &quot;Hey x, Just want to let you know I won't be able to accompany you for lunch today. I am meeting with some old friends who happen to be nearby.&quot; Or you have some errands to run. Or you want to have some time for yourself to think through some issue you are having. Or you have an important phone call to make that you need to focus on entirely. There are many things you can be doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said in my comment, saying that you are having lunch with others is okay as well. If he wants to tag along, let him, but don't focus on him in the conversations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you can do this kind of thing 'cold turkey' where you don't have lunch with him at all for the next two weeks. He will notice that it is weird, and not believe all your excuses. This may hurt him, and this may damage your relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I suggest you try to build this down steadily. Start with a few days you don't eat with him, be it alone or with other co-workers. And make the days you have lunch with him one on one less and less. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do it slow it will feel natural and situational and he won't feel ditched or anything. It will probably make him seek out others to have lunch with as well, since you have become less reliable as a lunch date. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T12:12:20.000" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-05T12:12:58.133" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you have not specified a good reason for ending the meeting on time then all I can say is that checking the clock for the sake of checking the clock is rude. If you are not the coordinator then you have zero reason to guilt attendees for running over the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your exact situation the &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; plausible and non-offensive response you could have given was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My apologies, I thought I felt my phone vibrating and just wanted to make sure it wasn't something important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you actually had somewhere to be then this could have mitigated the scowling:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My apologies, I have xyz obligation at 2:30 but please continue the meeting without me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works equally well if you wish to waste your time no further with off-topic meeting conversation so you can make up an obligation or make it more general such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My apologies, I do have to excuse myself at 2:30 but please continue the meeting without me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time, if you have somewhere to be then mention at the start of the meeting:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My apologies but I will have to excuse myself promptly at 2:30 to do x, y, and z.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've attended various &quot;30-minute&quot; meetings which transcended into 1-2 hours; get used to it and plan accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T14:51:59.333" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T14:51:59.333" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15221" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15231" CreationDate="2018-06-05T12:26:12.983" Score="14" ViewCount="14422" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this year, I will be going to a different school than the rest of my friends and so I am writing them cards. There is one person in the group who I especially don't like, and I would rather be honest and tell them that I am glad to be moving away from them. The situation between us is quite complicated but I will try and summarise it below. Be warned - it might sound petty!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: I was dismissive of her when I was younger, we didn't speak for a while and in the recent past we have been fighting. She would be rude to me and push me around, clearly pointing out that she'd rather be near anyone but me. I spoke to her but she didn't stop doing this, which made me resentful. We finally agreed to just act as friends because we didn't want to spoil the peace for the rest of the group.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only spoke with her briefly when I was younger, but I remember being quite dismissive of her (I forgot her birthday and also made fun of her music tastes once), so I think that she had a bad impression of me from the start. I didn't speak with her properly for a long time after that because we had no classes together and weren't particularly close. I do admit that I shouldn't have been so dismissive of her when we were younger, and that if she doesn't like me, then I have part (or most of) of the blame as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A (long) while afterwards, she made this unspoken rule that only she could sit next to her 'best friend' in the group when we sat at a table to eat lunch. I didn't really have a problem with this, until it turned out that the person she stopped from sitting next to them was always me, and she never pushed anyone else away from a seat like that. I kept telling her that I didn't like her doing this, but she ignored me and would literally push and shove me off the seat if I ignored her and sat down anyway. &#xA;I spoke to her over WhatsApp about this and they told me they did it because I'm 'the weakest', and therefore the easiest to push away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months later, I was eating nearby her and I suddenly choked on my food. I coughed and realised that I was completely unable to breathe, cough up the food or speak at all, but she refused to come and help me. What she said to me was that 'they were busy talking and didn't notice', but another friend told me that she had said she &lt;em&gt;had&lt;/em&gt; noticed and just 'didn't care and didn't want to help'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, we all have a group chat on WhatsApp which all of us use. However, she would write personal secrets and then specifically say that she didn't want me to see their message, encouraging others to 'spam' messages so that I wouldn't see it. &#xA;I did see the messages, and I told her that I had no problem with them not wanting me to know her secrets, but pointed out that literally saying that she didn't want me to see it was very rude, especially because this was the entire group's chat and so I would obviously find out. I told her that if she wanted to talk about their secrets with a group of friends that didn't include me, they could always make a separate group and discuss it there. She ignored me and kept posting messages I 'wasn't meant to see' in places that I could see them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was so annoyed by these incidents that for a few days I acted harshly towards them, but it by now we have an 'unofficial truce' where we act like we are friends. I still think they dislike me, and I still generally dislike them, but to be honest, once I leave I will be glad that I don't have to act like we are friends just for the sake of our other friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since we have the 'unofficial truce' (called so because we never discussed anything further but seem to have agreed that openly fighting was not the best idea), I'm not sure if it's appropriate to tell her that I really dislike her and am glad to see the end of my time with her, instead of writing a fake message that I'm sad to leave her even though I'm not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This is especially because I am not 100% sure that she still dislikes me.&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;Since they have acted nicely towards me after the choking incident (which I have reciprocated), and when I asked her if they disliked me, she replied 'no' but I always get the feeling that that's not entirely true. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I do write all of this out in a card and tell her what I actually think, then I am worried that she will tell our mutual friends and I will be hated by the rest of the group. I don't want to drag the rest of the group into this conflict, but I think that the rest of the group would just ask me to get over it and they would support her. Currently, the group doesn't know that we dislike each other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How am I meant to tell them that I am glad to be leaving them? How am I meant to tell them this considering the views of the other people in the group? And finally, how do I come across without sounding like a petty grudge-holder?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;EDIT: What I want to do is to write her a message that is neither the generic 'I'll miss you, sad to leave' nor me literally telling her that I hate her, since I don't. Instead, I just want to tell her that I am not really close to her and still have some degree of dislike for her, but I am glad that we decided not to get others involved and decided to be more peaceful about it. Also, I would apologise for how dismissive I was of her when we were younger.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The reason I don't want to not give her a card is because that would be rude. The group of friends I am talking about is small, and it's a given that everyone gets a card. Finally, and this is quite a selfish reason, but writing that card would help me to move past this.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;EDIT 2: In the end, I wrote her a short message based off Cronax's answer. Thanks for everyone's replies.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18495" LastEditorDisplayName="user18495" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T11:08:39.247" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T15:57:50.323" Title="How can I tell someone that I am glad to be leaving them without sounding petty?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15201" CreationDate="2018-06-05T12:30:03.043" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most newspaper advice columnists would tell you that your boyfriend's repeated behavior pattern is abusive, and many of them would suggest that you stop trying to change him and end the relationship. (If your father acted the same way, you might not have an example of a healthy relationship to compare it to.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there are a few things you may be able to do without going that far. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you need to make it crystal clear that the way your boyfriend acts when he is angry is not fair to you. &quot;When you get angry and yell at me, I feel unloved and afraid&quot; is one way to start. &quot;It seemed really unfair that you threw out the fancy chocolate I bought as a special treat after you ate most of it and I never got any at all&quot; might also work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, you need to watch out for mismatched expectations. Did your boyfriend know that you had bought special chocolate or did he just treat it like any other food in the house? Have the two of you talked about your different communication styles? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to stay with your boyfriend, you may need to teach him to deal with the consequences of his actions, for example by asking him to purchase replacements for things he destroys out of his own money, not your shared budget. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Mostly based on my experiences with my own and my friends' relationships, and also from seeing professional advice columnists answer similar letters.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T12:30:03.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15221" CreationDate="2018-06-05T12:30:28.223" Score="40" Body="&lt;h1&gt;You will always sound petty saying this.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could be the final time you ever talk to them again.  Laying out your grievances on this final card shows that you are still thinking about the situation, even after the person has acted nicely ever since the choking incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be the bigger person and forgive and forget.  These comments should not be written on a going away card.  They are better suited to a more private conversation in a text message or phone call.  You never know how a person's opinions will change later down the line, and a card that highlights the negative aspects of the relationship will not be one the person will want to remember.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are better off simply &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; writing them a card, or at the very least not writing anything negative on it.  You even state that you are not 100% sure that she even still dislikes you.  Just keep it to yourself and don't burn any unnecessary bridges, because you don't know what they will say about you to other people if you choose to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just forget about this incident and move on with your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my friends dealt with a similar issue where he received a &amp;quot;goodbye&amp;quot; card from somebody who had gone into extensive detail into an issue that was very minor compared to the description on the card.  My friend had no idea this person was harboring this grudge and thought he was on good terms with them based on how they acted.  Needless to say my friend hasn't contacted that person again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T16:15:14.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15224" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-05T12:54:01.170" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming you have some time flexibility: Get your phone out and send a text message to &quot;whomever&quot; you're meeting next letting them know you'll be a little late. You can easily check the time during this. If one of the other folks at the meeting ask you what you're doing you can honestly say, &quot;I'm guessing we're going to go a bit over, and I just wanted to let &quot;whomever&quot; know I'd be a few minutes late.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets you check the time, is polite to your next appointment, and also suggests that the current meeting is important to you (you are willing to be late to another one to stay at this one right?!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastEditorUserId="389" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T14:08:47.300" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T14:08:47.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15201" CreationDate="2018-06-05T13:27:54.707" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sit down with your boyfriend and create a general list of guidelines that both of you can refer to when one of you gets upset.  Here are some ideas that you can use as a basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't eat any food marked with my name on it &lt;strong&gt;because I might be saving it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After 11pm I will be tired and may respond differently &lt;strong&gt;because I am tired.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't appreciate it when you speak over me &lt;strong&gt;because I feel like you don't care.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Anything else you can think of that you want your significant other to keep in mind and respect.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At any point in the conversation if you feel like one of these guidelines are being disrespected, draw attention to the list and point out what you want him to stop doing and &lt;em&gt;why.&lt;/em&gt;  The &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; part is important because it gives reason to your actions and allows the other side to know why you care and think it's a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me and my girlfriend have communication issues at times, with both parties not really understanding why the other side is getting upset.  We made a list of &quot;rules&quot; so that if one of us starts crossing a boundary, we can just refer to the list to better explain why we feel the way we do and how we want the problem fixed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T13:27:54.707" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15201" CreationDate="2018-06-05T13:39:17.177" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to (partially) play the devil's advocate here. But before I do, let me make a few things clear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your boyfriend is an adult (I assume) and is responsible for his actions and their consequences.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Relationships only work when both partners are in it together. If one of them wants out, the other doesn't get to veto that. Emotional blackmail does not &lt;em&gt;save&lt;/em&gt; relationships, it &lt;em&gt;kills&lt;/em&gt; relationships.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;None of what I say, if correct, obligates you (morally or otherwise) to suffer your boyfriend's behavior. When you draw the line, that is where the line gets drawn. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are within your rights to outright not accept this behavior, regardless of potential mitigating circumstances.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mitigating circumstances are invalidated when they are intentionally gamed. Gaming the system is outright manipulation. It's nigh impossible to ascertain whether something is genuine or merely acted as genuine. This can only become clear when seeing someone's behavior over an extended period, which doesn't translate over your description. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not making any judgment nor definitive statements. I am only pointing out &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; explanations and mitigating circumstances.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I might slightly rephrase what you said, because I'm accounting for your description being influenced by your perception. This is not done to dismiss or invalidate your experiences or observations, but rather trying to shed a different point of view on the events.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My answer draws (and illustrates, and fills in some blanks) from personal experiences. This is a matter of example to prove the point that there can be less-than-obvious connections between two seemingly unrelated events.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Playing the devil's advocate.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on your description of events, it is not wrong to label the behavior as abusive. Whether the behavior can be labeled as &lt;em&gt;willfully&lt;/em&gt; abusive, however, is not as clear cut; and this is what I'm trying to focus on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reading between the lines here, there are certain flags about the behavior that make me identify with personal experiences. Even if correct, that doesn't absolve your boyfriend's behavior (as it doesn't absolve mine either), but the point of mentioning this is to show give you an insight from the other side, to understand why the reaction (possibly) emerges the way that it does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, I was raised by a strongly narcissistic and dominant father. He was dismissive of anything that he didn't agree with; frequently told me that my experiences were not real, lies, or willful slander; prevented me from speaking in cases where I he know I could disprove his statements (often resorting to filibustering); never admitted mistakes; and resorted to random punishment, bullying and violent behavior when I countered his other tactics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He said it was because I spoke over him when I spoke regarding the dog and that this made him angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a &lt;em&gt;massive&lt;/em&gt; trigger for me. Having been talked over my entire life and having anything I say dismissed as meaningless has rendered me easily irritable when what I say is interrupted or ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is seemingly confirmed when you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He expresses how I don't care&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He seems to be sensitive to people ignoring him and how this means that they don't care for him.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Notice how he immediately equates being talked over to being un(der)appreciated. That seems like a clear indication that in the past he has been talked over/ignored by people who showed affection for him (or interest in him) less than he needed/wanted/expected them to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Without trying to blame you&lt;/strong&gt;, I do want to point out your statement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but to my mind the more important topic to everyone is the state of our dog's health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is how you phrased it, you have basically informed him of your decision that your topic is more important than his. I doubt that that's what you outright meant; but your phrasing does leave it open for that interpretation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's sensitive to being dismissed, he's also going to be prone to favor the interpretation that seemingly dismisses him. I have similar reflexes that I have to actively counter whenever I feel them pop up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In response, he took the remaining chocolate from my desk and threw it out into the trash, stating &quot;If I can't have it, you can't either.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mentioned that my father would resort to random punishments when his other tactics failed.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;To my regret, I've ended up applying similar &quot;punishments&quot; to my SO when she &lt;strong&gt;seemed&lt;/strong&gt; to dismiss me or otherwise treat my like my father did. And it seems your boyfriend has a similar response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple example of how this can escalate, I'll use an personal example:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm listening to music, relatively loudly (but was allowed since I had a floor to myself)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My father enters the room, informs me that he's working next door and &quot;either turn down the music, or turn it off&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As I'm at the end of my playlist, and leaving home in a few minutes anyway, I turn the music off. I'm not upset about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My father storms back in, red faced, screaming at me for punishing him. How childish I am for turning down the music when he would've wanted some background music while he worked.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I reply that he told me to either turn it down or off. He could've asked me to just turn it down.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He denies that he ever said that, and threatens me (without specifying) that I shouldn't lie about things he does.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I said that I would've happily queued some more music or given him the computer after I left.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He interupts me, takes my ice skates (which I needed to go out), &lt;strong&gt;breaks them&lt;/strong&gt;, and grounds me for insubordination.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It didn't happen in this case, but had I then escalated due to him breaking my ice skates (or in any other way refused to yield after being punished), he wouldn've resorted to outright violence.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Looking back on in now, fifteen years down the line, I see that his reaction displays a victimization that he then subjected me to: he felt randomly punished, I did not agree with his version of events (to him, that is dismissing him), and he therefore enacts a random punishment on me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; similar to your boyfriend's reaction. And, if your boyfriend has indeed suffered through similar abuse, it makes sense why he'd respond this way.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You (inadvertently) end up wearing the mask of his abuser, and therefore he retaliates in a way that &lt;em&gt;befits&lt;/em&gt; how the abuser mistreated him. He's responding to the abuser, not you, and his strong emotions make him forget that he's dealing with you, not his abuser.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So now what?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't as clear cut. If you do not accept his behavior, and do not consider past abuse he was victim as a justifiable mitigating circumstance, then you should consider either drawing a &lt;strong&gt;strong&lt;/strong&gt; line (ultimatum), or consider ending the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do want to work through this, the first step is to have him confirm that his behavior is a kneejerk response based on his past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Important&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  It is possible that he doesn't (yet) acknowledge past abuse, or sees it differently. Until I was 25, I was somehow unaware of my father's unacceptable behavior. It took a friend to repeatedly explain why certain past events were abusive and not just &quot;me being a difficult teen&quot;, before I started realizing it myself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is the case, then the next step is to get him to acknowledge that his response, &lt;em&gt;while feeling justified to his point of view&lt;/em&gt;, is not something you've deserved. You are not his abuser, even if you sometimes end up touching on a sensitive topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not easy to work through. Many people would discard abuse victims as &quot;too broken to date/love&quot; (personal experience). In a way, he may always be sensitive to those issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if my SO hadn't stuck with me through it, I wouldn't have been able to identify my behavioral issues and work at improving them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is your choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you work through it with him, this will be a gradual process. He'll be sensitive to being pushed around, and therefore won't accept you pushing him towards a more healthy behavior. It needs to be voluntary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Focus on explaining your perception, without making statements as to what he did or said. Don't dismiss him when he brings up his side. Acknowledge them and explicitly (tell him that you're doing it) pull focus to your experience.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make a clear distinction between him and his behavior. Make it clear that you're addressing the &lt;em&gt;behavior&lt;/em&gt;, not him personally. If he feels targeted, he'll get defensive, and you'd be surprised how strong his defenses can be.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge that his interpretation is a &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; explanation of what you said, but point out that it's not the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; possible explanation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask him to identify what triggers the emotional outburst (I'm pretty sure it's being dismissed; but the point of the question is to get &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt; to find the answer himself. He needs to self-reflect). If he knows what triggers it, he can start intervening on his own behalf.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This subject matter is deep and wide. I suggest reaching out to online communities such as &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;/r/raisedbynarcissists&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Narcissistic behavior (and the learned behavior by the victims) is very recognizable. If you read other people's stories, you'll notice that it often mirrors experiences you've had (or that sound completely in character for your case). I see a lot if similarities between the example I wrote and your story, for example. It's the same story but with different words.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It may help him to read through some posts there. The community strongly focuses on explaining why certain things that you're raised to think are normal are most definitely not normal. Having some random internet stranger tell me something that should've been obvious was actually massively helpful. Often, you don't realize that the (victimized) lesson you learned as a child is wrong, and you never question it until someone points out the obvious flaw in your thinking. For over a decade, I considered my father's violence to be proof of what a problem child I was; even though I was able to argue the opposite point when supporting someone who went through domestic abuse. After a while, you start tricking yourself into believing the abuser's truth.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There are many links in the sidebar to resources that help you identify narcissistic behavior, and how to cope with it .&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T14:31:29.053" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T14:31:29.053" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15159" CreationDate="2018-06-05T13:52:45.603" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One possible solution is in your question. Just tell them that you're supporting a friend at an event in memorial for her murdered sister and don't go into details. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the sort of thing that is likely to arouse interest so you can either say that you don't want to discuss it further out of respect to your friends loss...or alternatively you can say that her sister was killed in the Pulse shooting and you are attending the Pride event with your friend in memorial to her sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That makes the attendance of the event to be about the memorial and not about your personal sexuality and hopefully will make it more acceptable to people. It may lead to awkward questions about your orientation, which you should think ahead of time about how you intend to answer, but is an entirely reasonable motivation for you to attend the march.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of this is a lie, you are just sharing as much of the truth as feels appropriate without telling people things that are none of their business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3207" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T13:52:45.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15231" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15221" CreationDate="2018-06-05T13:55:55.630" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand your need for closure, it's a very common feeling in human beings. The ability to finally say what you want knowing there won't be any real consequence is great, and if there were never any consequences, IPS wouldn't exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But unfortunately, even you yourself have mentioned that there's a real potential for negative consequences in this situation and because of that, you're probably going to need to temper what you say to avoid those consequences (meaning, you aren't going to really get what you want out of this anyway.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a few options, and while telling you what your options are isn't really the point of this board, I feel like they are going to come up, and I feel like it's appropriate because I'll discuss some level of HOW to approach them in more IPS fashion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Withhold giving a card at all.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PROS:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Easiest of the options, requiring literally no effort&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your words cannot be twisted and used against you after you're gone&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Will likely be forgotten given time, should this person ever end up in your life again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;CONS:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've said this would be seen as incredibly rude, and it very well might in your circumstance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely that this person probably isn't really expecting a card. They sound like they only tolerate you as it is, and while they might use the opportunity of a skipped card to talk bad about you to your friends, it's unlikely that your friends are completely unaware of the animosity between you and will understand. Much more so than they would understand and be supportive of a truly nasty card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Give a card and tell her how you really feel, risking consequences but getting the closure you want.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PROS:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Closure&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;CONS:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Risk alienating this person forever.  This is the type of social behavior that would be remembered years and years from now when you might run into this person in a situation where you're forced to be cordial.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Risk alienating your other friends.  Moving away is tough, especially when you're younger. If you're truly blunt about how much you dislike this person, or just honest but your words are twisted after you're gone, this whatsapp group may not be the lifeline to have people to talk to after you move but before you've met new people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;3. Leave the bridge unburned, eat crow, and write a cordial message.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PROS:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Near-zero risk of long term negative effects&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;CONS:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not very satisfying&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;4. Redirect the card into an acceptance of some responsibility, but be honest about how you feel.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PROS:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some closure&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Constructive criticism&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Likely to be remembered&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;CONS:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Difficult to do&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Could backfire if the person truly dislikes you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This last is probably the most socially acceptable IPS to have, and if you were older and this was a resignation letter, a peer review, or similar formal correspondence it would be an invaluable skill to have.  It's the one I'll talk most about for that reason alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These past couple of weeks have been much easier now that we're not fighting all the time. I realize we haven't had the best relationship, and know that I'm partially to blame for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This message says a couple of things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want to continue to keep the peace&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You know that it isn't entirely your fault you don't get along&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You know that it isn't entirely her fault you don't get along&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've now come to understand just how difficult it is to be the one pushed away, and realize this is something I've done to others, including you, in the past.  I look forward to the opportunity to meet new people with this in mind, and to try and become a better person. One who doesn't dismiss people's feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This message also says a few things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That you were hurt by her behavior&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That you realize you've hurt others by doing the same thing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That you WANT to get better, but it's too late for the two of you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I would encourage you to be cordial through it all.  The world is never as big as you think it is, and you cannot guarantee you'll never run into any of these people again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastEditorUserId="4298" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T22:02:33.307" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T22:02:33.307" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15233" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15221" CreationDate="2018-06-05T14:13:12.610" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in a similar situation in the past. In my case, I communicated my sentiments verbally rather than through a card, but I think the overall approach should still be viable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is to acknowledge the difficulties without placing any blame and to focus on the positive aspects. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey X,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think we've had our difficulties over the years and we'll probably never be the best of friends, but I'm glad that recently we have found a way to interact without causing trouble for our mutual friends. I would also like to take this opportunity to express my regret at how I treated you when we were younger. I think I often behaved dismissively towards you, which was unfair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kind regards&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kumikan&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also put a generic 'I wish you a long life and good fortune' kind of well-wish as the last sentence, but it will depend on your culture whether or not that's appropriate or not. I would advocate doing it only if such generic well-wishes are indeed common in your culture, to avoid implying that you've completely gotten over your dislike.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T14:13:12.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15201" CreationDate="2018-06-05T14:14:56.390" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am going to assume that you said your sick dog is more important than your boyfriend when you were fighting. This part wasn't really clear in the post. I'm also going to assume that you don't want to leave him. By the way, please take your dog to the vet! :)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a difficult situation, and it sounds as if there are several underlying factors that have led up to this point. I have seen a similar relationship before, and here is what I'd like to say. Bear with me at first, since you said that you want your boyfriend to focus less on himself, but I'm going to start off by talking about him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say your boyfriend is calm most of the time but suddenly lashes out. How often does this happen? And in what sort of situations? The most common reason I have seen for &quot;lashing out&quot; is that the person has been bottling up anger, sadness or stress and they reach points where they can't take it anymore. I recommend encouraging your boyfriend to talk to you about these feelings and trying to help him resolve them. Maybe he has had a bad time at work, or there is something between you that you need to resolve. Listen to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he has trouble controlling his anger, then you could take him to anger management classes or try meditation/mindfulness. You could also take him to a therapist/counsellor.&#xA;The more often he lashes out, the worse his bottling up of emotions is, and the longer you leave it the worse his &quot;lashing out&quot; will get. Although if you think he'll take offense at 'getting help', then you may need to reword it slightly. There are probably articles on the internet that explain how to take reluctant people to therapy, and I recommend looking at those. A final note: don't take the whole burden on yourself. Get him to a counsellor, and if it's getting too much, leave and stay with your friends or relatives. Arrange this as soon as you can, since there's a high chance of him becoming violent if he acts this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;NOTE: If he is being violent to you, hitting you and slapping you or verbally abusing you, then DO NOT tolerate this. Tell him that it's not acceptable and try to stay away from him until he's calmer. If he still doesn't try to control his anger, then I strongly suggest that you leave him.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, also set boundaries with each other. Find out what he does/doesn't find acceptable, and tell him what you don't or do find acceptable. Try to come to a compromise: maybe you could agree that when you buy chocolates, you buy them together and agree to share. You could point out that what you buy is yours and he needs to ask before he takes them from you. You also need to point out that it's not acceptable for him to speak over you. Once you know what's acceptable to each other, the easier it is to avoid these situations and handle them appropriately if you do get into them. &lt;em&gt;I would do this once you and your boyfriend has calmed down.&lt;/em&gt; I would also explain to your boyfriend that you're not trying to antagonise him by telling him your boundaries, since it seems like he would overreact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your immediate situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of you are upset and angry, and you think that he is without reason. But I think in this case, both sides have apologies to make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You didn't listen to his coding troubles. If you're not a programmer, then it might sound boring to you. It's going to be hard to understand all of his rants about his colleagues and their coding troubles as well. But if you had a bad day at work, you would want some consolation, right? That's probably how he feels. Even if it's hard to understand, listen and try to sympathise with him. He will really appreciate it. It looks like this is a long term problem that might have caused him get upset in the first place. &lt;em&gt;Please, please listen to your boyfriend and talk this through.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You also said that the dog is more important than him because your dog is unwell. Try to put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would feel if he told you that he cared more about the dog. You need to go and apologise for this, and tell him that you were upset when you said it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;However, your boyfriend has his faults as well. He threw your luxury chocolates into the trash, which as you say, is pretty childish. You should point out that even if he is upset with you, this behaviour isn't acceptable. If he was really having issues with you, tell him that he can always talk with you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could approach him like this: &quot;Hey honey/dear/(term of endearment), I'm really sorry for saying that the dog was more important to you and that your coding troubles weren't important. Next time, I promise that I'll listen to you. But I'm also upset that you threw my chocolates in the trash, since I spent a lot of money on them. I would be glad to share with you but please don't take them without asking.&quot; Feel free to put your own touch on it or adapt it according to the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel uncomfortable talking to him in person, then you could always text him/message him online. After you've reconciled the chocolates issue, move on to the long term things I suggested above such as setting boundaries with each other and working out why he &quot;lashes out&quot;. Hope this helps and good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18495" LastEditorDisplayName="user18495" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T14:21:09.320" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T14:21:09.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15236" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15221" CreationDate="2018-06-05T15:41:06.110" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you've made up your mind to write them a card, some awkwardness is guaranteed and your priority should be to minimise the &lt;em&gt;collateral&lt;/em&gt; damage (to your relationship with the other friends in your group) and perhaps any (further) damage to the relationship in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your intention is to bury the hatchet (sort of) while also expressing &quot;good riddance&quot;. Tough game that (okay, just reiterating). In the bargain you'll have to swallow liberal amounts of (possibly false) pride and try to &quot;look&quot; the more forgiving sparring partner. Yes, finally the cat will be out of the bag if the other person decided to &quot;sing&quot; your message to the group and pretend the (only/bigger) victim of the situation. The friends are sure to slice and dice each word and it's nuances, if only to convince her that you didn't mean too ill of her. You have to show immense maturity, as difficult as that may be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggested wording (to suggest a general direction and by no means to put words in your mouth, or rather pen/keyboard):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear X,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As you know, I am headed to Y to pursue Z. While I am excited at the&#xA;  prospect to chase my dreams, I am saddened at the thought of leaving&#xA;  our blah group. It further saddens me that I could not get to know you&#xA;  better, especially as I've known you the longest in the group. When I&#xA;  look back, it feels silly the way we handled some of our interactions;&#xA;  perhaps I should have been more mature in those situations, but hey,&#xA;  we were kids, weren't we? If and when our paths cross again, I hope we&#xA;  interact as a pair of mature adults, and better, as friends if not old&#xA;  friends. I wish the best for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regards,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  K&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1592" LastEditorUserId="1592" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T12:42:56.477" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T12:42:56.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-05T16:28:01.953" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of answers here, but one thing that seems to be missing from most of them is the relationship between a volunteer and a donor as it relates to running a charity.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a fair amount of experience working with both groups in a professional environment within the United States (so there may be some cultural differences), and I have run into multiple issues where donors, for lack of a better term, feel entitled to run things by virtue of being willing to give money.  Some donors have management skills that prevent this from being an issue.  Others... do not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Managing donors is a &lt;strong&gt;major&lt;/strong&gt; focus behind the scenes for all charities.  Many decisions that might otherwise be considered unsound from a business perspective are made strictly to keep the donors happy.  The more money these donors provide to the charity, the more process is adjusted to keep those individuals happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So while the donor in your situation was both rude and unprofessional, that's not something I suggest addressing, unless you really don't care about the success of the charity... which seems unlikely since you are willing to volunteer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which brings us to your role. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a volunteer, while the donors may not appreciate you, chances are very good that the people who manage the day-to-day operations of the charity place a great deal of value on you and your time.  Donors (or rather, their money) are the lifeblood of charities, but volunteers are the muscle to put that money to good use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your time is valuable, and if the charity is well run with a dedicated administrative staff, they will recognize that.  Even if the donors don't care, the actual charity staff will, and they should be willing and able to provide assistance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to address your situation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing I recommend is trying to keep some padding between these meetings and other appointments or obligations you may have.  This isn't always possible, but it is worth attempting to reschedule if the proposed time is too close to something else you have to do, particularly for very short (30 minute) meetings.  Even if the response is &quot;no, that's the only time that works&quot;, you've already established that the time is inconvenient for you, and by showing up, you're being generous (remember: &lt;strong&gt;as a volunteer, your time is valuable, too!&lt;/strong&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sets the stage for the second recommendation, which is to set expectations up front.  This isn't just for the meeting organizer; you need to set your own expectations.  Do you have any flexibility if a meeting runs long?  Are you willing to stay late, if the meeting runs over due to tangential discussion?  What if it runs over due to discussion that is very much on topic and relevant to the stated purpose?  How late can you stay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The outcome of these questions should be your &lt;strong&gt;hard stop&lt;/strong&gt;.  What is the latest you can possibly attend before excusing yourself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best bet is to tell the meeting organizer ahead of time.  Assuming this isn't the donor, but someone who regularly works to run the charity, they then should be keeping track of the fact that you may have to leave if the meeting is running late. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, if your hard stop is within an hour of the stated end of the meeting, and the meeting has a history of running late, the meeting organizer will announce it at the start of the meeting.   If not, you can simply announce it yourself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just wanted to mention that I have a hard stop at x o'clock.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is unlikely to cause conflict, as donors typically understand conflicting schedules (even donors who are currently retired) and obligations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've established that you can't stay past a certain amount of time, this gives you a perfectly good reason to keep an eye on the clock (although &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/15216/2185&quot;&gt;arp's suggestion to use an alarm app&lt;/a&gt; is an excellent one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say &quot;I have to leave at 3pm&quot;, and at 2:15 you look at your watch, the donor can't really get much traction behind saying &quot;If you have somewhere more important to be, then don't hesitate to leave.&quot;  You (or the charity staff) have &lt;strong&gt;already told them&lt;/strong&gt; that you have somewhere to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you didn't start of by mentioning a hard stop, you can certainly bring it up if it seems like the discussion has gotten off topic.  What typically works for me is to start off by validating the importance of what is being said, but point out that there is a &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; important topic that needs to be discussed, as well as a time limit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These are all very good points, and we should work through them to get them resolved, but the primary goal of this meeting was to discuss &lt;em&gt;x&lt;/em&gt;, and I think we may have strayed from that topic.  I actually have another commitment in 45 minutes, so perhaps we can come back to this at a later date so we can make sure we get &lt;em&gt;x&lt;/em&gt; resolved in the time that we have?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T16:28:01.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15239" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15157" CreationDate="2018-06-05T20:51:41.793" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like J.A's answer and would like to add that you can also try indirect education by introducing your friend to credible sources. Send him interesting articles from well established news/journals/websites. Over time he will build a mental library of high quality resources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to take on the hoax problem directly, you could say something like, &quot;My mother was telling me about this new XYZ... Unfortunately, when I looked on Snopes.com it turned out to be a hoax.&quot; (Cue sad face) If he doesn't bite, you can continue on about the hoax-blasting site of your preference and how cool it is. Maybe even show him a few examples of some popular misinformation. Take care not to make an example of something he has previously mentioned. This could insult him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to realize that while your friend might be extra trusting, we are living in a world where hoaxes can be incredibly convincing. Take this as an opportunity to teach him an incredibly useful life skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18486" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T20:51:41.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15221" CreationDate="2018-06-05T20:55:11.733" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a great big world out there. When you get out, experience the world, meet new people and mature into a more confident human being, you'll look back on this and wonder why you ever gave her so much emotional and social control over you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you choose to send a &quot;good riddance&quot; note to her, while it may be satisfying in the short term, all it does is send a message to her that her behavior makes her important to you, and that she is able to emotionally manipulate you.  Most probably she will try to find a way to keep in touch, or will find out who you keep in touch with and make sure you continue to periodically hear insulting or belittling things she says about you, just to keep herself in that very important place in your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's a bully, and, to a certain extent, you allowed her to bully you.  Now is your time to assert yourself, take control of your emotions and your energy, and to prove to her that she is not an important controlling factor in your life.  You do this by walking away, and not looking back, and NOT by trying to get a parting shot in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Throughout our youth, school, and the circle of friends and acquaintances from school, dominate our lives. As an adult, or even as someone who has moved to a different circumstance, they will no longer dominate, and you'll look back on those things that used to consume you as trivial, in retrospect. It's all part of the growing up process.  You'll feel much better about yourself if you behave in a confident, positive manner, and don't let her drag you down to her level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.&quot; - George Bernard Shaw&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2018-06-05T20:55:11.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15241" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15258" CreationDate="2018-06-05T21:11:18.380" Score="6" ViewCount="2977" Body="&lt;p&gt;So the title sums it up, but let me provide an example so it has a bit of context. I am living and working in California in an accounting office, so lax business casual is the usual attire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a young male working at employer with slightly lax dress code for women when compared to men and although I haven't seen this situation happen for any of the men due to this, that doesn't mean it's not possible. I'd like to make it clear I have no problem with this despite the situation mainly occurring with women, so let me explain the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There have been cases where the attire unintentionally reveals maybe a bit more than is appropriate/desired at a workplace. In these cases as well as in polite society, it is hardly proper for me to say something along the lines of &quot;You seem to have slipped out of your bra&quot; or &quot;Your crack is showing&quot;. This is not an isolated incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For an example, I was working on a project with a female coworker who was wearing a loose dress that had long cuts from the armholes down the sides. While at the projector informing me and a couple others what was being shown on the screen, she turned to fast and in doing so, her breast slipped out the side of the dress, and flashed the group. In this situation, it was handled by everyone averting their gaze and one of the women in the group going over and fixing her up, but I'd like to know how I can handle this sort of situation in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pointing it out would either label me as someone who is constantly staring at someone's personal areas or as the person who didn't point it out when they knew. Sending HR a message would possibly get them sent home for dress code with lost pay, and sending them a quick note could result in the results above. I am friendly with all of my coworkers, and would like to maintain that relationship at all possible, and having worked with them for as long as I have, I am confident they're not trying to show their parts intentionally and haven't noticed the mishap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell someone that they might be revealing more than they want at a particular moment?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;This is much more difficult from male-female than it is from female-female or male-male. If you could include both sides in any answer, that'd be the most helpful.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastEditorUserId="2012" LastEditDate="2018-06-05T22:10:05.707" LastActivityDate="2020-07-09T18:32:22.390" Title="How can I tell someone that possibly unwanted body skin is showing?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15242" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-05T21:52:30.240" Score="129" ViewCount="41789" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 24 years old and I have a 4 year old son who was conceived by accident. I don't know about other countries but that's definitely not usual in mine (Spain).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My son's mother and I broke up about three years ago but we get on well and are respectful of each other. I'm happy in life and don't have the feeling my life was ruined when my son was born. On the contrary, I don't regret it. I have a good job I like, MSc-level studies, good friends, and a wonderful family. I believe I'm doing an excellent job raising my son.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I still feel very unconfortable when some people ask me certain questions. This has become quite usual with people I don't have a close relationship with - some coworkers, business partners, some neighbors, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm really happy talking about my son and don't mind answering questions &lt;strong&gt;about him&lt;/strong&gt;, such as &quot;How old is he?&quot;, &quot;What school does he go to?&quot;, or &quot;how does he behave with other children?&quot;. But I don't feel comfortable when the questions are &lt;strong&gt;about me having a son&lt;/strong&gt;. Like: &quot;How come you've got a son?&quot;. And once I was directly asked &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt; do you have a son?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Guess what? Turns out the second kind of questions are the most usual ones from people I don't have a close relationship with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think these people should be asking such questions in the first place. I firmly believe they wouldn't ask them if I was 30+ years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best way to let them know those questions are inappropriate and make me feel uncomfortable, while at the same time not making them feel uncomfortable as well?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18517" LastEditorUserId="14057" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T08:54:47.407" LastActivityDate="2018-06-16T23:03:19.420" Title="I'm 24 with a 4-year-old son. How to handle uncomfortable questions from people?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-05T22:02:40.757" Score="177" Body="&lt;p&gt;Normally, the way to handle overly intrusive and rude questions is by staring a little and then saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should they happen to repeat the question again, you can then ask&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you seriously asking me why I have a child? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then just stare until they apologize. You are not answering the question, in fact you are questioning the question, which in most cases will make the asker &quot;withdraw&quot; it. But even if they don't, you aren't answering and you &quot;shut down&quot; that avenue of the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. So, try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure you know where babies come from. Ah, that was years ago, what matters now is that he's here and I love being his dad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then firmly change the subject. Did you see the game last night? Do you have children? Aren't these little tartlets delicious? I hope it doesn't rain tonight. Gosh, there's a lot of car traffic today isn't there? Do you know the name of that song that's playing right now? Where did you get those shoes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you're not answering the question (you don't want to, so you don't have to) and you're changing the subject so the person will not continue to ask you that sort of thing. The best way to handle a question you find rude and intrusive is not to answer it. Here, you've technically answered it by reminding the asker where babies come from (I mean really, &lt;em&gt;how did you come to have a child?&lt;/em&gt; I think we can figure that out) but then a segue sentence that you are not going to discuss it further and then a firm subject change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T11:25:48.073" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T11:25:48.073" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15176" CreationDate="2018-06-06T00:38:26.727" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi [friend]! It's been nice having you stay with me when you're in town, but I wanted to let you know that for personal reasons I'm going to take a break from having regular houseguests, aside from my sons. There's a great hotel [here] and [here] that are really affordable, you should check them out. I'd love to meet up for a drink or a meal with you whenever you're in town, so make sure you give me a call when you're here next, I'll look forward to it!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has worked for me in the past. If questioned on why, just politely repeating that it's for personal reasons should suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18525" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T00:38:26.727" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15241" CreationDate="2018-06-06T01:08:08.007" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The situation you've described has an important factor to consider: She's the center of attention in a room full of her peers (or worse: superiors).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine yourself at the front of a room, giving a presentation to a group of people you expect are looking for any way to attack you personally and/or ruin your career, barely hiding the fact you're one of those people for whom public speaking is a fear worse than death, when you suddenly feel your pants split open in back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How well could you hide your mortification? Could you finish the presentation gracefully? Would it still be a success? Unless you happen to be an amazingly confident speaker, chances are you'd be so flustered and spend so long trying to recover from the embarrassment that the whole thing would be a huge failure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The cure may be worse than the disease.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Weigh the situation first:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is it likely to happen (again)?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is/was the exposure significant?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did/will a lot of people see?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Will it significantly harm her odds of success if not addressed immediately?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;An intervention is probably unnecessary&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless the situation is pretty serious, it's best to just ignore it and focus on the presentation instead. Treat it like any other presentation mishap and try to be as forgiving as possible. Even if it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; serious, it might be best to forgive anyway unless you're an unusually tactful person or know them personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;After&lt;/em&gt; the presentation, wait until she's finished fielding questions from other attendees, then briefly mention it in private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I just wanted to let you know your shirt is a bit revealing when you turn quickly, in case that was something you didn't intend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the situation will still be embarrassing, it'll lack the extra potency of occurring in front of a crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She'll likely just thank you for letting her know. If so, just say something like &quot;No problem&quot; and change the subject. Ask a follow up question or compliment her on part of the presentation you liked to show her that you've moved on and forgotten about it. People prefer their embarrassing situations forgotten, so she'll likely be relieved that you've essentially already done so and be happy to change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she gets defensive instead, apologize and promise not to bring it up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, I understand. I'm sorry I upset you. I won't mention it again.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then finish up the conversation and leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;If an intervention is deemed necessary&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Use extreme caution and only do this as a last resort.&lt;/em&gt; You've effectively decided (for her, without her input) that risking her public humiliation and the ruination of her presentation is a good idea. You'd better have an exceptionally good reason to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, briefly glance at your phone or laptop if available and act somewhat surprised or anxious. Approach her briskly (a fast walk, maybe slow jog). She'll most likely notice your approach. Try to approach from the direction she's looking to ensure this, if possible. Be discreet, if possible. Once near her, very quietly inform her what's wrong. An appropriate volume is just enough for her to hear, and ideally quiet enough that nobody else can. Be brief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your shirt isn't covering you when you turn quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give her a short moment to respond if she wants to. If you get an angry or defensive response, apologize quickly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, sorry I mentioned it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then go back to your seat and don't talk any more. You can try to apologize again later in private if you're feeling brave, but it's probably best to just leave her be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get a neutral or positive response though, go back to your seat and pretend like the interruption never happened. If anyone asks, deflect with a vague comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Something important came up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The glance at your phone or laptop earlier should help defend the position if anybody was paying attention to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she excuses herself to fix the problem and it seems necessary, apologize to the group and/or reassure them she'll be right back. When she gets back, ask something cryptic that she can quickly answer yes to, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it all right now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Act relieved at her response and apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, good. Sorry about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Support any excuse she provides, if necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's generally hard to resume a presentation gracefully after this kind of interruption, so be ready to help her there too. If she doesn't just pick up right where she left off, don't leave her stranded. Ask her an easy question to help her get back on track. Something she already said recently might work well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You may have said this already, but why are there so many samples near the bottom left of this scatter plot in particular?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then try to relate it to what she was saying just before you interrupted her so she can move back into her planned presentation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, so is that why the process keeps failing so often?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the presentation, approach her as part of the after-presentation group and compliment her on something she did well. Be specific: Mention how well informed she was, thank her for being so good about answering your questions, mention something surprising or useful she said, tell her she was an engaging speaker, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just had to say I'm impressed you already found out the samples were biased. I thought for sure it'd take weeks to do that. How did you find out so quickly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to do it while other people are still there, if possible, to reduce feelings of being threatened and hopefully induce others to say nice things too. It should also discourage her from bringing up the embarrassing event again, and you should act as much as possible like you've already forgotten. If all goes well, she'll assume everyone forgot, remember it as a minor hiccup in a generally well-received presentation, and go home happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;And intervention or not&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never, ever mention it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3708" LastEditorUserId="3708" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T02:47:21.880" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T02:47:21.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15221" CreationDate="2018-06-06T01:28:23.097" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The reason this would sound petty is because it IS petty.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like grandma said, if you can't say something nice just don't say anything at all.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside from your own personal satisfaction at finally telling that jerk what you really feel, what good comes from this?  NOTHING.  All it does is satisfy your petty need to have someone else know that you don't like them.  Be a grown up and just move on.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6851" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T01:28:23.097" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15221" CreationDate="2018-06-06T01:45:42.947" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based upon what I've read it sounds like this &quot;card&quot; could become a written record of accounts about a conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't write about conflicts with people on paper and then give them a copy of that paper. This becomes evidence that could be used against you, used out of context, the words twisted against you or shared with other people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person would then have a record of what you said and you'll have a difficult time challenging those accounts later or defending yourself from false accusations. It'll be your words against your own words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that this person is someone you don't really trust or like, then I would avoid arming them with words in your own handwriting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speak to them in person if you have too, but any cards should just be a simple &quot;Good bye!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5658" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T01:45:42.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15221" CreationDate="2018-06-06T01:48:54.123" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't do it. After you leave she might just show it around to everyone and use it as evidence and motivation to say that your good intentions were actually just a way to attack people and tarnish what is a really lovely idea (to say goodbye in a nice way). You may also bump into each other in future, after you've both matured, perhaps after many years, and even become friends. I've known this to happen with my own friends. In my own experience I've had a lot of jobs. There's always someone difficult. I always leave well. Then I don't have to worry about it after. I've learned letting go is a vital mental skill to reduce stress. Once you've moved on, you've moved on. You're free!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18121" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T01:48:54.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-06T02:06:54.627" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;I started working full time when I was 16 years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would constantly be asked &quot;Why aren't you in school?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are &lt;em&gt;social&lt;/em&gt; expectations associated with both &lt;em&gt;age&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;responsibilities&lt;/em&gt;. When we don't conform to the standard, then people feel compelled to ask &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;. Especially if you are violating an expectation they have on young people in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will be people who see an opportunity to deliver their moral superiority upon you, and they will take advantage of that fact to make you uncomfortable for their own pleasure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will also be people who are just ignorant of what it's like to be you at that age and get asked those kinds of questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To all of the above you just answer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's none of your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will take time for you to believe that this is private, and you don't have to explain it to everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you accept this is your own life, and you don't have to explain it to anyone else. You can then choose who you want to share the reasons with, and they can be told the truth as the way you see it. Without having to appease some social expectation about &lt;em&gt;age&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;responsibilities&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5658" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T02:06:54.627" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-06T02:14:52.493" Score="84" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to get that a lot when I was out with my kids... People are kinda rude sometimes, but when it comes to your kids they really ought to know better. My eldest step son is 16, I'm 33. People had a hard time wrapping their head around that. Some still do, but turning grey at an early age seems to have helped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually just let them be uncomfortable about it. They'd say the stupid thing, and I'd look at them like they were stupid, until they realized that they just said something incredibly rude and moved on. I know that's probably more confrontational than you want to be, but when it comes to your relationship with your kid you have every right to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's nice to be nice, obviously, but not all situations require being nice. Sometimes you're well within your rights to make people a little uncomfortable when they've crossed a line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a situation where you really &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;have to be nice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;, like dealing with your kid's new school teacher, sometimes deflecting with humor works just as well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt; do you have a son?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Ya'know I've been asking myself the same thing...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt; do you have a son?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;The stork has an unforgiving return policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt; do you have a son?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Dunno? He just followed me home one day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt; do you have a son?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Aww I know I'm pretty, but do I really look that young?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line is, that is a very rude question, and you're entitled to push back a little. Make them feel a little stupid for asking, you're allowed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T05:33:52.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15241" CreationDate="2018-06-06T07:40:13.073" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't know her well enough, don't tell her. Let someone who knows her better handle it. If you do though, just tell her so that no one else can hear it. And please don't &quot;approach her briskly&quot;, that just sounds weird. Just walk to her normally and tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason as to why you might now want to tell her at all if you don't know her well is that this situation can be embarrassing for both of you. It would be way less embarrassing for her if a friend of her told her. She could then hope that no one else saw it. It's simple: you're less embarrassed in front of people you know well than people you don't know. As an alternative you could, if possible, tell someone that fairly well knows both of you, so they can tell her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that you should tell her without someone else hearing it should be self-explanatory for again, this situation should be handled as discreetly as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18533" LastEditorUserId="18533" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T10:52:26.543" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T10:52:26.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15241" CreationDate="2018-06-06T07:41:04.660" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've worked in office environments of varying dress codes, around both men and women, and it's a problem that has came up more times that I'd care to admit. The approaches have varied based on who well I know the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm friendly with the colleagues involved and they appear unaware of the wardrobe malfunction, I'd wait until the best opportunity to send them an email or instant message (and I'm confident they'd read it right away), just to say &lt;em&gt;&quot;Best I let you know before anyone else does; you might have popped a button&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&quot;Just in case someone mentions it at the next meeting, I think there's a rip in your trousers&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. This way works because it draws their attention to the problem without sounding too accusatory, and it's obvious that you're trying to spare them some embarrassment. If they wave it off with a response like &lt;em&gt;&quot;Oh, that's just how it's designed&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, you can quietly laugh it off and say no more of it. Any actual dress code violations are now wholly their responsibility. If it happens to one person once in a blue moon, most people don't appear disturbed by having these things be pointed out (it will all happen to us at some point). &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12381/how-to-stop-people-from-looking-at-my-mouth-when-were-having-a-conversation/12384#12384&quot;&gt;A person's gaze will sometimes wander&lt;/a&gt;, and it's not typically their fault if something out-of-the-ordinary catches their attention. If it begins to happen with quite regularly, then it would be best to avoid pointing it out, lest the other person get the wrong opinion of you. In these situations, I've just had to hope the other person learns from before and keeps a closer eye on themselves. With 'repeat offenders', after the first or second time, it normally doesn't happen again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's someone you are less familiar with, averting your gaze, at least in a US or UK workplace, seems to be a common response. This gesture alone is usually enough for the other person to realise something has happened. The rare times this has happened while I've been in the US, men have normally responded less angrily to being told of a wardrobe malfunction from a man than a woman and vice versa. I'm afraid you'd have to defer to your own judgement on how the other person would react, especially if they are in a position of superiority to you. Sometimes the embarrassment of being told about the problem can be worse than from the problem itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In situations where it is someone who you are less familiar with, but working with a lot, then it has been a little trickier to find a solution. If they are not technically breaking rules or customs regarding dress code or public decency, there isn't much you can do. I once briefly worked beside someone who regularly wore a top into work that showed way too much when viewed from the side. I thought it inappropriate to mention it directly to her, so I relayed it to my boss at our next catch-up. &lt;em&gt;&quot;I might be wrong, but thought I'd mention it in case one of our clients notices, but I think 'Alice' is unaware of how much she is showing sometimes.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; This way, you are again not being too aggressive, it's clear you're not out to embarrass or get anyone into trouble, but your boss now knows that if someone else mentions it, that it's a problem worth tackling. In this situation, the boss partially solved this by suggesting a slightly more formal dress code when meeting clients.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, people you know well will likely be thankful for you helping them avoid more embarrassment, but if it happens a lot, it's best to leave it to them to realise themselves. You're no more responsible for a colleague's dress code than you are for other aspects of their work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T07:41:04.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15221" CreationDate="2018-06-06T08:36:06.407" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I rarely end up regretting being nice to people, I almost always end up regretting being mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's because a year from now, most of those feelings that are leading you to want to write something like that will be forgotten. You will look back and realize: You were petty. Even if you found some magical way to disguise it and not make it seem like it, you will always know. You were not as great as you could have been. You could have handled it better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So why not handle it better to begin with?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once had a really trying time with my best friend, where we were both extremely stressed and just made it worse for each other (we were both in an exam phase and he was moving in with his girlfriend -&gt; meaning the end of six years of being roommates with me), which he chose to do exactly while we had exams, so we had to get the entire stress of moving during a time like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once we finally left our old appartment for good, I was looking forward to two to three weeks without ever talking with him but before that, I REALLY wanted to get angry and tell him off for all the stuff he did that annoyed me in the last couple of weeks. It had been building up and I could not stop being angry and thinking about how good it would feel to tell him all this without any immediate consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I phrased multiple long messages to him and scratched them again. Finally I was able to calm myself down and remind myself that it might make me feel better for a moment, but it wouldn't make him feel very good. And it's not like he was any less stressed than I was. He was probably in the same state of mind. I even managed to realize that most of the anger was just because I was stressed and I probably wouldn't care about any of it a couple of weeks later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I decided to take the high road and just not write him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About an hour later I got a big message from him doing exactly what I just stopped myself from doing. I didn't even feel bad about it, I just had to laugh. I really wanted to call him and let him in on the fun of the situation (without any bad intentions at all), but sadly I had to realize that would have only made him more angry or feel bad because he wasn't able to control himself the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A month or so later, he apologized to me, he felt really bad for letting his anger out on me and so forth. I told him I almost wrote something like that myself and he could stop worrying, but left it at that (obviously I didn't mention that his message actually made me feel better instead of worse).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yeah... I got a month of barely thinking about it, while he got a month of feeling bad. Not that difficult to see who made the better choice here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd strongly recommend being the bigger person. Don't write anything mean, don't blame her for anything, but also don't just write something meaningless if you can help it. Obviously this bothers you and you want some closure, so try being honest with her without blaming her for anything. Tell her you thought it was sad that you didn't get along better but that you know you share a lot of the blame for that and things like that (kind of like you did in your question).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think Cronax gave a really nice example of a message you might want to write her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not just about avoiding bad consequences, it's about actually feeling better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2165" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T08:36:06.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-06T08:47:27.210" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 26 and I'm getting my son in ~2-3 weeks. When I told my colleagues (who are 5-7 years older and have no children), the situation was pretty similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your situation I'd go for 2 possible answers on the question &quot;Why do you have a son?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think everything is said, if you ask them back: &quot;Why do/don't &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;?&quot; It gives the asker enough time to think about his question and realize it might have been a bad idea to ask it. Also this &quot;counter-question&quot; kind of blocks further questions about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your specific case you can also say that you finished your education and you want to have a family/son now. In my opinion that's a pretty good and simple reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastEditorUserId="4386" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T13:50:38.950" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T13:50:38.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-06T10:07:29.473" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dealing with apprehension.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my mother announced her pregnancy, my grandfather was apprehensive because it wasn't planned.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Her response was simple: &quot;Unplanned is not the same as unwanted.&quot; That ended the conversation there as he had to agree with the distinction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have similar options here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Unplanned&lt;/em&gt; is not the same as unwanted.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Regardless of age, I was &lt;em&gt;ready&lt;/em&gt; for a child.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I made a &lt;em&gt;decision&lt;/em&gt;, and it was the right one.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not about engaging them in the discussion, it's about quickly explaining why the discussion might not be relevant to discuss to begin with. All three answers very quickly shut down conversation by pointing out that the assumption (too young, not ready, uninformed) is simply not correct to begin with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dealing with subtle soapboxing.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But I don't feel comfortable when the questions are about me having a son. Like: &quot;How come you've got a son?&quot;. And once I was directly asked &quot;Why do you have a son?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These question are asked with a hidden agenda: suggesting that [your presumed age] is much too young to have children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having that opinion is fine (to each their own). I don't mind an open debate on that topic. You might not, and that's fine too. But that's a matter of openly sidestepping the discussion, and suggesting that you agree to disagree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is a secondary thing here: leading statements. By asking the question, they are implicitly adding their opinion and the assumption that it is correct.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;A classic example is asking someone &quot;have you stopped beating your wife?&quot;. Replying either &quot;yes&quot; or &quot;no&quot; will always make it seem like you implicitly agree that you do beat your wife.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you engage them in a discussion on young parents, you've implicated that you yourself feel like you were too young to be a parent&lt;/strong&gt; (&quot;if the shoe fits&quot;). If you're the one who brings up the young age, then they &lt;em&gt;technically&lt;/em&gt; did not tell you that you're too young, so they can't be blamed for then mentioning their opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution here is to not respond to the subtle implication, and respond to the question as asked - making no inferences whatsoever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is effectively fighting fire with fire (manipulating the conversation away from where it was manipulated towards), but in a fairly harmless way. It allows for the topic to be sidestepped with no friction if you pick a funny instead of combative answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How come you've got a son?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Oh. did your parents not have &quot;the talk&quot; with you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sexual intercourse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Amazon order.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why do you have a son?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pointless &quot;why&quot; questions generally deserve a &quot;why not?&quot; response. It quickly ends discussions where the asker did not have a specific question in mind and is more just on a fishing expedition to find things to argue against. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An alternative would be to label the question as philosophical and explicitly sidestep the discussion altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other answers are possible, but are generally considered more combative. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T10:07:29.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15267" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15268" CreationDate="2018-06-06T11:10:11.493" Score="19" ViewCount="4333" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work with someone who is not a direct report, but junior to me. This person is somewhat competent and perfectly nice but consistently makes the same mistakes, mostly around failing to meet obligations towards peers: lack of preparation before meetings, bad prioritization / responsiveness, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've mentioned these things a few times in private conversations but see no improvement after about 6 months. Basically I don't feel like this person is paying attention to what I'm telling them and I'm pretty convinced that continuing on the current course will eventually land them in trouble either with me or their manager or whoever they work with next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's a good way to get this person to start listening, given that I can't really &quot;evaluate&quot; the person like a manager would?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I could technically escalate to their manager. Unfortunately that manager is spread thin, and not involved in day to day. If I complain to the manager and they intervene, the manager would likely only have my word as context. I'm interested in ways that I can do this more directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18545" LastEditorUserId="18545" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T15:08:01.117" LastActivityDate="2018-06-16T19:08:57.520" Title="How do I nicely tell a colleague to start listening" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15267" CreationDate="2018-06-06T11:49:53.677" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;Managing projects, training people, and several other improvement and control activities involve a cycle. At one point, you observe something like &amp;quot;this person came unprepared to the meeting.&amp;quot; You may or may not attempt to &amp;quot;move the needle&amp;quot; when you make this observation. Later, you have another observation like &amp;quot;we didn't get the contract&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;the meeting wasn't able to settle the items that were scheduled&amp;quot;. You see the connection between these two. The junior may not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go to the person and only tell them your first observation, especially before the &amp;quot;bad thing&amp;quot; has happened, and suggest changing their ways, they may or may not act on it. It is far more powerful to go to them with the second observation, and help them to connect it back to the first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That means when something has gone wrong, you need them to see why and decide for themselves what behaviour to change. Sure, to you it's obvious when you see the &amp;quot;junior&amp;quot; behaviour happening, you know what it will lead to, but they do not and your word alone won't make that connection. You've tried a word or two in private conversation &amp;quot;don't do X again&amp;quot; but without success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming this really is a role you're supposed to take on, and that neither the junior nor their manager will be upset that you do it, you might try introducing them to the idea of 5 whys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Sidenote on 5 whys:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was pioneered at Toyota and used in assorted &amp;quot;quality&amp;quot; programs around the world. Working out why a project was late (or failed), a client was lost, or an accident happened is a very difficult thing, and 5 whys is a profoundly useful technique for solving these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not about condescending or treating them like a child or forcing them to admit their mistakes. It is about working &lt;strong&gt;together&lt;/strong&gt; to discover the reasons something happened. You may go into this believing you know why (and you may be right) but going through the process together is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;end sidenote&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might go like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I wanted to take a few minutes to talk to you about the slip on the Smith project. That was a pretty big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you heard of a technique called 5 whys? You basically ask why something happened, and then whatever the reason, ask why on that, and so on. Let's try it. Why did we have to take that big slip?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[junior says &amp;quot;because the X wasn't ready&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;because we found too many whatevers&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;because the client wouldn't agree at the acceptance meeting&amp;quot;. If they shrug and don't know, or say &amp;quot;Because Steve is a moron&amp;quot; then you lead them to the very simplest literal first reason why the bad thing happened. Because whatever wasn't ready.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So why was that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[we weren't given enough time, the spec was incomplete, Steve is a moron, whatever. Again lead them a little if you need to. For example if they say &amp;quot;nobody did x in advance&amp;quot; you might need to say &amp;quot;I believe it was you who was supposed to x. So perhaps the issue is that nobody told you that you needed to.  Why didn't you do it? Did you know it needed to be done? Did you wonder who was doing it?&amp;quot; The idea is questions questions questions, &amp;quot;why&amp;quot; to everything instead of stopping at &amp;quot;nobody told me to do that&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;they were just angry&amp;quot; and pushing through to root causes. Ideally the person learns that what they do matters.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And why wasn't the P finished before the R was started? Because you chose to get started on the R without waiting for approval.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And why wasn't the client satisfied? Because you didn't bring the right things to the meeting to show them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this moment they see the connection between the behaviour (not preparing properly for the meeting, or not taking the meeting seriously) and the result (schedule slip, client lost, whatever.) Sit in that for a few seconds. And then, &lt;strong&gt;this is incredibly important&lt;/strong&gt; do not stop there at the &amp;quot;oh crap I screwed up a big project the slip is all my fault&amp;quot; sensation &lt;em&gt;finally&lt;/em&gt; reaching your junior. It's important they feel this, but you must not stop here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And why were you left to make a decision that could ruin the whole project? [Or, and why were you not aware that preparation for that meeting was so important?, or and why were you not aware of what Steve needed from you and when? etc]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I didn't give you the advice (or because nobody gave you the advice) I am here to give you today. These meetings matter. You need to be ready for them. If we blow the meeting, the whole project can end up slipping. I guess you've sort of learned that one the hard way. Let's not have to learn it again, ok?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You look sympathetic. You look &amp;quot;this is not all on you&amp;quot; while not letting go of &amp;quot;some of this is on you&amp;quot;. You draw a clear and obvious path from &lt;strong&gt;one&lt;/strong&gt; choice of theirs (bad priorities, missing a communication, not preparing for something) to a bad outcome that has clearly and unequivocally happened. You reassure them that part of the responsibility is on the company or department for not teaching them this connection before, but emphasize that they are now aware of and responsible for this connection. Now they know. It can't happen again. And then you smile and conclude the meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-16T19:08:57.520" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-06T12:48:07.950" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a rude thing to ask but I don't think the solution is to reciprocate with rudeness. Especially if it's as common as you say, you don't want to get a reputation for being irritable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think most of them are probably just genuinely curious. They're not asking the question in a tactful way (if that's even possible) but &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanlon%27s_razor&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd respond with a joke. It &quot;answers&quot; the question while hopefully making it clear that you don't actually want to answer the question. It doesn't shame them or make them feel bad for asking something rude, nor does it make you look rude in your response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ahhh, don't worry. When you're older your parents will tell you all&#xA;  about &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_birds_and_the_bees&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;the birds and the&#xA;  bees&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be prudent to then change the subject (&quot;He's great though, such a clever kid. The other day he...&quot;) so that you don't give them the opportunity to ask the question in a different way. You'd have to be pretty inept to not take the hint the first time but people can be pretty clueless sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12820" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T12:48:07.950" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-06T14:33:09.290" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try to move the subject on as quickly as possible by replying with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Being a young dad was not part of my &quot;great plan&quot;, but I'm so glad it happened, because it's the best thing that's happened in my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then move on to talking about the positives that have come as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My daughter gave birth at 17 to a 12-weeks premature boy.  She is now stronger, more responsible, more balanced and more loving than any 20 year old I know.  She gets similar questions, but tends to reply with &quot;It happens. And I wouldn't change it for the world&quot;.  And as 50 year old granddad of a nearly 3 year old legend of a grandson, I couldn't agree more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16321" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T14:33:09.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-06T15:29:31.093" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, their questions are presented in a thoroughly rude manner and are probably rhetorical. Those are very loaded questions and it seems like they want to illicit an emotion. People that ask these kinds of questions are usually out to make someone feel bad rather than get an honest answer but here goes nothing...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asked &quot;How come you've got a son?&quot; or &quot;Why do you have a son?&quot; I would very politely say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you mean?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very important to say this in a very polite and receiving tone of voice so that the asker is allowed to actually tell you what's on their mind or change their course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking this you are forcing them to take a step back and evaluate if they really wish to elaborate on their petty remark and expose their bigoted predisposition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How this conversation continues is dependent on the etiquette and awareness of the asker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person will either choose to explain their incomprehension or they will take the hint and steer the conversation into a more positive direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T11:25:58.800" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T11:25:58.800" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15279" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-06T19:21:59.030" Score="4" ViewCount="242" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have decided to make a barbecue and invite my closest friends, my childhood friends and college friends, about twelve people in total. I would like to talk and have fun with all of them but as a single group of people, get them a little bit closer to each other. I have never been host of a party, and I do not know how to behave properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been on the other side of this situation, and it feels weird being so few people and not be together.  Also I know that after alcohol flows through the blood and we sing some karaoke songs, things will be easier, but I still want some advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I deter people from splitting up into smaller groups and not make new friends?  How should I react if I notice someone feels bored, isolated, etc?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional Issues&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My crush might join us, but she does not know anyone and is way younger than me. That's why have not invited her yet, I don't want to invite her to spend an awkward time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18565" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T19:44:04.153" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T20:59:15.853" Title="How to be a good host of a party?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-06-06T21:24:13.953" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15280" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-06T19:32:46.507" Score="-11" ViewCount="1721" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I made a conscious decision to not vaccinate our children.  I'm not sure how they found out about it, but it apparently is a cause of nervous tension between us and them and apparently, we discovered, they don't bring their young children around to family get-togethers because of us.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We homeschool our kids, don't send them to day care and our pediatricians are not pressuring us to vaccinate them (although they think it's a good idea).  Also, we've never went out of our way to tell people that we don't vaccinate the kids.  I'm not entirely sure how they found out (possibly via mother-in-law).  We talk about natural medicine and home births and midwives, but we don't talk about not vaccinating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my wife's family mainly so I'm just going along for the ride here, I'd rather not get too involved, but I'd like to ease the tensions.  Or at least find out for sure if it is vaccines that are the existential threat in this case.  There have been too many coincidences (instances where relatives go to one party, but not to another party where we are, or instances where they show up without their kids) to make it seem like it's just an assumption, but nobody wants to talk about it. The relatives who do avoid us are mainly work the medical field or schools and therefore are seemingly very in-the-know about the schedule for vaccinations.  They don't like talking about Catholicism, homeschooling or natural medicine or midwifery much either, so maybe we don't have a ton in common, but it seems like vaccinations are used as a scapegoat for their absence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to argue with people over the propriety of vaccinations and we're not staunchly against them. My assumption is, if our children are healthy, they can't get anyone sick, so why avoid us?  How do I find out what their reasons are for avoiding us and ease those problems? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18569" LastEditorUserId="18569" LastEditDate="2018-06-06T21:33:13.620" LastActivityDate="2019-03-20T15:27:08.743" Title="How can I tell if family members consider my unvaccinated kids a threat?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15279" CreationDate="2018-06-06T19:35:01.303" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Behave like you would at any other social event (for the most part)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only difference you should make to your behavior is to make sure everyone is having a good time.  Don't be overbearing, however, as people will just want to relax.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another point is to not worry if people split off into smaller groups during the party.  A group of 12 people all trying to talk together can get loud quickly, and it does stop people from truly getting to know another person.  I usually try to find one new person every time I go to a gathering and a good mix of group talking and 1 on 1 conversation helps me find out how they act in different situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you notice the college friends only talking to the college friends, and the childhood friends only talking to the childhood friends, then that would be an issue.  If you know of similarities between two people who don't know each other, by all means go ahead and introduce them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Concerning your crush, I would not bring her to this because it can get very awkward very fast when you are surrounded by people you don't know.  I always felt really out of place when I only knew a couple of people in a group, but that could just be me.  You can ask her to see what she thinks of coming, but make sure she knows who these people are and how you know them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-06-06T19:35:01.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15289" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-07T01:17:45.483" Score="10" ViewCount="611" Body="&lt;p&gt;I sometimes have an issue where people, especially older ladies, touch my arm or shoulder when they are talking to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually it is only for a few seconds but sometimes it is more than that, and it is often very uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think they do not mean to make me uncomfortable, in fact sometimes they give a compliment or say something flattering when they touch me, so I know they are just being friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to them that I do not want to be touched?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18580" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T09:35:53.453" Title="How can I let people know that I don't want to be touched?" Tags="&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;&lt;personal-space&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15290" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-07T01:27:54.253" Score="11" ViewCount="10294" Body="&lt;p&gt;Awhile ago I was roommates with someone. We stopped being roommates on good terms (we both moved to different cities but are now back in the same one). My roommate became a cop. I'm still friends with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without prejudice I just don't feel comfortable being roommates with a cop. I told him I was looking to move and he messaged me saying he is interested in sharing a 2 bedroom apartment with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I politely turn down his offer?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may already be suspicious as I haven't replied to his message and usually do quickly. I usually like being as direct and honest as possible but in this situation maybe I should say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think I'm looking for something cheaper than the places you're considering. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18581" LastEditorUserId="17201" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T08:59:12.307" LastActivityDate="2019-07-29T11:27:16.477" Title="How to politely turn down roommate offer for awkward reason" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15293" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15306" CreationDate="2018-06-07T04:27:31.580" Score="11" ViewCount="2946" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am living in India and I married a beautiful wife recently (this was an arranged marriage). I am working in office from 9AM to 5PM, she is a housemaker. We are living in a building where most of the guys are bachelors. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She avoids having sex (it is OK for me because we are newly married, and I need to understand her heart), and she's always ready to go out alone for shopping, meeting her friends etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought I will be happy because of her outstanding beauty, but it turns out to be a curse to me. I already asked my mother to stay with her, but she is living far away and assigned to bed rest due to her old age. I am happy with my job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to make sure my wife isn't committing adultery. On the other hand, I fear she might not take it well, for in India, if a husband doubt her wife's behavior, she can press charges for domestic harassment on her husband and his family without any proof. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I have a conversation with my wife to be ensured of her faithfulness?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18587" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T11:24:08.060" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T13:43:29.080" Title="How can I have a conversation with my wife to be ensured of her faithfulness?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15289" CreationDate="2018-06-07T07:36:23.190" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In past experience, a pat on the arm or shoulder while saying something nice is on reflex or for reassurance. I live in the UK and typically in meeting elderly people, especially ladies, it can be a common thing (it seems to happen in lots of countries I've been to but it seems more commonplace in the UK). As you've said, it's not likely that they are trying to make you uncomfortable. I too am not keen on unnecessary bodily contact; there are a couple of things I've tried.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone puts their hand on my shoulder for example, I look straight towards the arm. Keep the conversation going, don't look angry, but look with obviousness towards the hand, not just a glance. Rather than recoil, step back or shove them away, gently push their hand away with your free one. This way, you've non-verbally and non-aggressively made your discomfort clear and more times than not, this prevents it from happening again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the rare times it persists, a firm but polite &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'd prefer you didn't do that&quot;&lt;/em&gt; works, in addition to what I suggested above. Adding a small distance between you and the other person might be helpful too. Again, this helps get your point across without coming across as angry or aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails, you will have to be direct and tell them &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm not comfortable with being touched&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. On one hand, I know they &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; have gotten the hint by this point, but with this wording, it helps prevent any lasting awkwardness by making it clear that it's nothing personal to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T07:36:23.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-07T07:48:25.187" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Contrary to more popular opinions, I do not perceive these questions as rude or offensive.&#xA;Maybe You should not too?&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Humans are, in general, curious creatures, interested in anything out of the ordinary. Certainly in Europe being a single father at Your age is not ordinary, so it is not surprising You draw attention. There is nothing malicious about this, in itself.&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So why not share the main bullet points of Your story? It's positive and heart-warming, a 'good-end' to an otherwise sad situation. In the age of hyper-protective parents, greedy multinational corporations, terrorism, and corrupt, weak governments, I think everybody would be happy to hear about a young man who stood up to the challenge and did a good job.&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if someone thinks less of You, then You know what value this person has, and therefore there is no need to care about that particular opinion.&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Openness and honesty are forgotten, but powerful weapons. You did nothing wrong and there is no reason to hide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3395" LastEditorUserId="3395" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T09:30:14.577" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T09:30:14.577" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15290" CreationDate="2018-06-07T08:49:51.743" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;You personal living arrangements are purely at your own discretion. So you always have the option of just saying no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to live on your own, you can say: &lt;em&gt;Thanks for the offer, it is well appreciated - but I think I just need to have my own place right now.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are in fact looking for a roommate, but not him, maybe something like: &lt;em&gt;I value our friendship so I´d rather not burden it with arranging as a roommate  right now.&lt;/em&gt; That way you emphasize that you want to maintain the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, most cops (I personally know 3) are the same in private as anyone else. As long as you don´t plan on committing serious crimes in front of their eyes or put them in compromising situations that should not be a problem. (if you did plan on doing something serious, &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; roommate would actually be a problem) So if it´s purely about the cop-thing maybe you should talk and voice your concerns to see how they are met. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something along the lines of: &lt;em&gt;Actually you being a cop makes me a little bit uncomfortable living together, like for example, when I have friend over and he happens to have a little pot wit him - do you have to arrest him right away? You know, it´s not that I plan on doing something illegal but it just feels like a little bit irrational like &quot;big brother is watching you&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can have a talk about that and see if your fears are well founded? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T09:07:53.883" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T09:07:53.883" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15298" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15301" CreationDate="2018-06-07T09:10:50.013" Score="17" ViewCount="7009" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note: this is not a situation I am currently facing, but I have faced in the recent past. I apologized afterwards, which helped, but I'd rather learn how to fix the problem before it even occurs. My location is Netherlands, but an answer working for various cultures, mainly western, is preferred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The scenario&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a situation I need a quick answer to. This person I don't know personally has the answer. I sent an email to them. This gives the impression that the situation is not urgent and they may wait with responding. Actually, they did, since it has been half an hour and I need this answer within an hour!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, I acquired their phone number. I want to instant message or call them to explain the situation and get the answer I need, although I'm afraid that makes me seem demanding, nagging, harassing or makes them think I consider myself too important. What tactics can I use to defuse their negative feelings towards this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="12962" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T14:13:23.493" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T15:58:04.397" Title="I sent an email about an urgent message, but want to call instead. How to correct?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-07T09:16:28.960" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do not check the time on your smartphone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find checking anything on the smartphone during a meeting generally quite rude (unless context requires it, but I've never seen that happen).  I don't bring my phone to important meetings, or when I can't leave it outside the meeting room, I switch it off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get a wristwatch&lt;/strong&gt; or meet in a room with a wall clock.  It is far more subtle to check a wristwatch (or even a wall clock) than to check a smartphone.  I can subtly check the time on my watch without even turning my head, by just moving my eyes for a split second.  The other party will probably not notice, but even if they do it's less obvious and less obnoxious than taking out a smartphone during a meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="40" LastEditorUserId="40" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T13:18:21.740" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T13:18:21.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15300" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15289" CreationDate="2018-06-07T09:19:49.190" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I once had a professor at university I was working for and had a similar issue. When he asked how I was doing, he was touching my arm or shoulder, sometimes even rubbing it. He definitely meant to be nice, but it was very uncomfortable and since he was higher than me in the hierarchy and I needed to be in his favor, since he was my boss, I never said something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day I got the following tip in a communication training:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Work with your body to define your personal boundary.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds odd, but it worked like a charm for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, be aware of you body and your own posture. A straight back and an upright position help with building up the aura of being in control of your own personal space. Second, if you see the person coming towards you with their hand reaching for your shoulder, just ever so slightly turn your shoulder back. It is often enough, if it is a really subtle movement that is done very consciously by you. The other person will get the feeling, that their touch is not welcome. If that is not enough, you can do a little step backwards.&#xA;Even so, you don't have to stare at their hand or something like that, just keep your personal space around you. Keep looking them in the eye and maintain focus on the conversation like normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is already touching you, because you were keeping your guard down, this can be a bit more difficult and removing their hand as was suggested could maybe help, but I recommend to just withdraw from them, before actively forcing their arm in another direction. Just because they are touching you, you don't have to do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling them about your discomfort is the last resort in my opinion, as this will not only actively interrupt the conversation, but also will maybe embarrass the other person and oblige her to feel bad about it and apologize, even though they were not even aware about it until that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18503" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T09:35:53.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15298" CreationDate="2018-06-07T09:23:10.420" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;Call them right after you send the mail. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the beginning tell them that you sent a mail about the issue, but you want to ask them about it. There is nothing preventing you from calling since you sent an email. The mail creates a papertrail, and gives them a heads up about before the call, or allows them to look at it while taking the call if they choose to do so, but then you get the benefit of taking care of the issue quickly on the phone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than asking them to respond to you, you just just open a medium of communication that gives a natural quick response, so there is no need for them to get upset by you continuing asking them for a response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do this almost every day at work -- I get to speak about it normally as if I had called first, and I've never had the other party complain or get upset about it. In fact, some of my contacts have started doing the same to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18594" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T09:53:29.497" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T09:53:29.497" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15298" CreationDate="2018-06-07T10:32:40.087" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it is as urgent as you said and you need the answer within an hour, I would suggest to call them and then say something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I emailed you about this 'x-minutes' ago but it is extremely urgent and I need to have the answer within the next 30 minutes because 'insert your reason here'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like they feel offended by the call because they were busy doing their work or something like that, just apologize but make clear that this was only a one-time event because of the urgency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I need something of extreme urgency and I have other ways to contact them except email (like in this case the phone number) I do what I suggested above. If the person that has the information I need is my boss though I tend to just wait it out or - if possible - talk to them personally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also keep in mind that my suggestion may be considered to be not polite but here in Germany that's how everyone I know is dealing with such situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18596" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T11:17:12.137" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T11:17:12.137" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-07T11:16:04.430" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I thought I got a text message. Just needed to check to make sure it wasn't anything urgent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might make you look a little bit flaky, but if they press you on it, you could just say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have to take care of [family member], and if some emergency comes up, I need to be able to take care of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternately, if your volunteer position is unpaid and you're currently looking for paid work, you could just say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have to be able to check my phone in case I get contacted by a potential employer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7295" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-06-15T05:02:08.330" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T05:02:08.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-07T11:36:52.637" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Other answerers mentioned looking at your watch for the time, as this will be less noticeable than looking at your smartphone. What will hardly be noticeable at all, is looking at &lt;em&gt;the other person's watch&lt;/em&gt; for the time. You're still looking in their general direction, and it's normal not to look each other in the face throughout the entire meeting.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;Of course, this will depend on the other person actually wearing a watch...&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="321" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T11:36:52.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15293" CreationDate="2018-06-07T13:12:39.093" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't claim to fully understand Indian culture, being from the West. For you to be concerned about adultery I assume it &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; happen in your culture. However, would it be fair to say that if both you and your wife agreed to (or at least went along with) an arranged marriage, you both have a &quot;traditional&quot; family background? If so, would that background promote adultery? I wouldn't have thought so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't say that the western approach to marriage is any more successful - the skyrocketing divorce rate shows that. But I do believe that marriages can be successful if you put some work in. In a way, you now have to do what westerners do &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; they marry. You have to court your wife!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have married and then plunged straight into a routine of work. You need to make some time for your wife, get to know her, and win her over. In a way it sounds like you may have yet to make a proper &quot;first impression&quot;. Do you really want your first (or one of your first) in-depth conversations to be about adultery and faithfulness? I believe you need to talk about lots of other things first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were to talk to a western counselor about saving a marriage, the advice many would give (and indeed the advice I was given) is that if your partner &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; having an affair (or hasn't embarked on one yet but is maybe on a course to) then you won't win them back by making accusations and causing arguments. The best chance of saving a marriage is to &lt;em&gt;win&lt;/em&gt; them back by showing that your relationship is worth fighting for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show an interest in her. Talk to her about what she likes. Find things in common. Try and make her laugh. Only once you have a foundation for your relationship can you really open up and talk about fears. If and when you do reach the point of talking about your fear of her faithfulness, don't make it about her. Express it as what it is - &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; personal fear. The goal is not to make her defend herself over an accusation, but &lt;em&gt;reassure&lt;/em&gt; you. Of course, if you build your relationship and start to enjoy a romance, you may get the assurance you need in a non-verbal way and hopefully you won't even need to have that conversation!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T13:43:29.080" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T13:43:29.080" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15308" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15342" CreationDate="2018-06-07T13:58:09.767" Score="54" ViewCount="17916" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of I should mention that I like Russia, have been there and I just like the people, the culture, the architecture. Pretty much every friend/coworker/family members knows and accepts that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But lately I have gathered a lot of strange stares and questions that I feel uncomfortable or forced to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in Germany and I a friend of mine (I know him since 1st grade, he's Russian) gifted me some Russian souvenirs for Christmas. One of those things is a small velcro patch with the Russian flag (tricolor one) on it that I put on my backpack. It's the only flag on my backpack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything was fine up until the attack on &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sergei_Skripal&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Skripal&lt;/a&gt; and his daughter. So ever since that happened whenever I walk through town with my backpack some people stare at me (especially on the bus/train) and some even ask me strange questions like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you even have a Russian flag on your backpack? (In a tone that makes it sound like it's illegal to have that)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Aren't you ashamed you have a flag of the country ruled by a dictator and killer? (Not even joking, even though questions like that are rare, it sometimes happens)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just really don't feel like I need to answer their rude questions. So I usually just ignore them. I'd like to avoid all discussions about Russian politics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is how can I avoid or - if necessary - answer those super weird encounters/questions besides to not have the flag on my backpack because I don't feel like I should be ashamed for my opinion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18596" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-06-13T01:17:32.870" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T01:17:32.870" Title="How do I avoid strange questions because of a flag?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15267" CreationDate="2018-06-07T13:59:40.363" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I´m gonna concentrate in my answer assuming you want to take up something like a &lt;strong&gt;mentoring role&lt;/strong&gt;, while leaving the official setup as it is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Other &quot;professional&quot; solutions such as leaving the problem to their manager and just dealing with the incidences that affect you, or escalating up the ladder till you reach someone responsible are off the table in this IPS context, as per clarification in the comments. &lt;em&gt;That said, tread lightly!&lt;/em&gt; As you are not going the official route it is easy to get in trouble and unlikely you´ll get any thanks from anyone even if you succeed!&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing to achieve for is to get the buy-in of your colleague. Currently he optimizes for his manager´s lead, who does not seem to require him to improve over the points you have mentioned. If he neither wants to improve nor is forced to improve, there is really nothing you can do. Keep in mind that intrinsic motivation is magnitudes stronger than external motivation. &lt;sub&gt;(1)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now I could think of four ways to get this, you´ll have to judge for yourself which is best applicable in your situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make it official. Have a problem-solving meeting with the colleague and their manager. Stay constructive and forward-thinking, don´t blame anyone. Offer to take over the mentorship. This has the advantage that you don´t get in trouble for operating outside of your responsibilities. The disadvantage is that if you get a no, you wont be able to take any of the other routes. It can also lead to your colleague feeling forced into it and backfire.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Offer to help, unofficially. As you seem to have a good relationship to this person, maybe you can just offer to help them develop directly?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Create pressure. Don´t accept those incidents where they affect you. Meeting not prepared? - Cancel the meeting. Work not to schedule, demand overtime until completion. If you increase the pain, you increase the motivation for change. But again, this may blow up in your face.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I would probably try to go with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lead them by example.&lt;/strong&gt; This takes time and patience, but it´s perhaps the most effective technique in the long run. Actually it´s a bunch of techniques. The idea is not to tell them how to do things, but let them figure out for themselves by influencing and giving pointers. For this you have to get out of the &lt;em&gt;he is junior to me&lt;/em&gt; mindset and actually treat them as equal. Have regular conversations with them about work related problems. listen, but do not lecture. If they do show some positive development, praise that - but do not criticize them for failure. Be a good example, but only teach directly when requested to. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I´ve had some success with this approach and it creates less friction than any other I know of, but it is sometimes painfully slow and you have to stay consistent. You also have to accept that you never &lt;em&gt;control&lt;/em&gt; any specific point but only &lt;em&gt;influence&lt;/em&gt; in a general sense. Caution, you might also end up learning something yourself!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to go that route, I suggest you take up some reading as this is overall to much to fit in one post. Find some starting-points in the references below &lt;sub&gt;(2)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&#xA;This answer is mainly based on personal experience. Having had two apprentices and several colleagues I had to mentor &lt;em&gt;sideways&lt;/em&gt; over the course of my ~20 years of professional work experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;External references:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) &lt;em&gt;Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us&lt;/em&gt; by Daniel H. Pink &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(2) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How to Win Friends &amp;amp; Influence People&lt;/em&gt; by Dale Carnegie &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don't Shoot the Dog!: The New Art of Teaching and Training&lt;/em&gt; by Karen Pryor &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The Coaching Habit&lt;/em&gt; by Michael Bungay Stanier &#xA;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T13:59:40.363" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15308" CreationDate="2018-06-07T14:19:19.977" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you even have a Russian flag on your backpack? (In a tone that makes it sound like it's illegal to have that)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aren't you ashamed you have a flag of the country ruled by a dictator and killer? (Not even joking, even though questions like that are rare, it sometimes happens)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Avoiding&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend wearing headphones as it gives a clear message: &lt;strong&gt;I don't want to be bothered.&lt;/strong&gt;  I wear headphones, even if I am not listening to music when I want my colleagues and/or friends to leave me alone to get work done, which works for the most part.  Whenever someone bothers me while I have them on for a reason that is seemingly unimportant (in your case, bothering you about the flag patch), I give them a quizzical look which clues them into how unimportant I feel the question was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option you can try is putting the German flag (or your current country's flag) next to the Russian one, if you're interested.  People might be staring because they don't think you care about Germany and placing the flag could relieve tension they might have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Answering&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always state what you said at the start:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like Russia, have been there and I &lt;strong&gt;just&lt;/strong&gt; like the people, the culture, the architecture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stress the &amp;quot;just&amp;quot; so that people know that you are not talking about the politics that is going on.  I personally enjoy going to America for vacation, so I have a few pieces of memorabilia from the country, including a flag.  People (rarely) ask me why I support America with the current political issues going on (I am from Canada).  I just give them a weird look and say (somewhat loudly if there are other bystanders watching)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like the places, not the people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T14:19:19.977" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-07T14:45:46.480" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would personally find this question rude.  My personal life is none of their business unless I want it to be.  My response to these questions would be a soft reprimand delivered in the form of a joke.  A specific example of how I would do this is: &quot;Well when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...&quot;.  This would (hopefully) help the person asking to understand I'm not going to give them a straight answer.  The specific words said would need to change based on culture and I can't give a firm suggestion for Europe or Spain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kind of answer lets the person know that you heard the question.&#xA;It lets them know that you are not prepared to give a serious answer to the question they asked.&#xA;Answering the question in a way that one might address a child seems very rude on the surface.  However, it's a relatively gentle way to point out that  you find the question being asked is not appropriate.  If the person asking presses the issue it's okay to go with something more direct like, &quot;That's a pretty personal question.  I'm not going to answer it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7558" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T14:45:46.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15308" CreationDate="2018-06-07T14:58:24.377" Score="124" Body="&lt;p&gt;You know, I'd like to quote the British comedian Stewart Lee on this, because there is many a true word spoken in jest. By way of a disclaimer, the &lt;em&gt;subject&lt;/em&gt; of this comedy routine is absolutely &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; the &lt;em&gt;target&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;...sometimes you're stuck with what a symbol means to you, aren't you? It's a bit like these old hippies that say, &quot;The swastika... far from being a symbol of Nazism, is in fact a Hindu good luck charm&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  And I always think, &quot;Well, good luck with that&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  That may be the case but you're going to need a lot of Hindu good luck if you're considering wandering around Golders Green (a predominantly Jewish area of London) waving one.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point this satirically makes is that you can argue until you are blue in the face that a certain symbol, or flag means X but if everybody else (or a majority) see it as meaning Y then you have to face the fact you are going to get questions, funny looks, hatred, assumptions, whatever the symbol invokes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of communication is non-verbal. Honestly, the answer to your question of &quot;how to avoid questions&quot; is to take the symbol off your bag. To be clear: if it were a flag or a symbol that were connected to you on a deeply personal level I would not give you this advice. For example if you &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; Russian; or if it were any other symbol synonymous to your personal identity - we should never have to hide who we are! But this symbol means something to other people and so by having it on your back it is that meaning you are sending to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T15:16:23.453" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T15:16:23.453" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-07T15:00:03.447" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Fellow Spaniard here, in case it matters.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time when people ask me this kind of questions, I find that the best response is to &lt;strong&gt;turn the question against them&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q: —How come you have a son? / Why do you have a son?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: —&lt;strong&gt;And why wouldn't I have one?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is usually followed by an awkward &lt;em&gt;&quot;Well.. um... because, you know...&quot;&lt;/em&gt; on their part, expecting you to finish the sentence with the &quot;obvious&quot; (to their judgmental minds) reason why.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Of course, you should just ignore this silent cry for help and patiently wait for their answer, maybe add some pressure (&lt;em&gt;&quot;No, seriously, why?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;), until they &quot;get it&quot; and change the subject -- hopefully forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this, you're essentially going all-in and saying: &lt;strong&gt;I know what you're thinking, but you'll have to grow a pair and actually say it out loud to my face; or else shut up.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They usually shut up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying bad things face to face is hard, and that's why this works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once in a while, though, you might get an actual answer, like &lt;em&gt;&quot;because you are too young / are too poor / are still inexperienced / no sabes nada, John Nieve&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Good! Now you have a specific opinion that you can shut down with a specific answer.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;By now I'm sure you've heard each of those claims a dozen times before, and know how to reply to them, but other answers in this thread can help you do so if you don't. Some possible options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Too young? Lots of people my age have kids without a problem. / I'd rather be a young and happy father than having to deal with a teenager in my 50s. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Too poor? I work hard and I'm single, so actually I can save more than most people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Too inexperienced? No one is born knowing everything, better start now. / Surely 4 years ahead of most kid-less people talking out of their asses...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You know knothing? I'm the father of dragons, and the 4yo one is kickin' ass!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you can always disarm such remarks with a blunt and simple &lt;em&gt;&quot;Well, that's _your_ opinion&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2511" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T15:00:03.447" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15290" CreationDate="2018-06-07T15:51:20.590" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've found in my experience that being direct is the simplest way to go.  It starts out sounding harder, but that makes all following conversations easier.  This has worked for me when telling my best friend I was moving out to live with my girlfriend, when resigning jobs, when discussing challenges with my wife, and having conversations with friends.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also find that attaching reasoning to any answer tends to complicate things.  Really, people don't need to know &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; you made the decision; they only really need to know the decision.  I've found that attaching an explanation, when none was requested, merely gives people something to argue about and that providing an explanation when asked also leads to people trying to change my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, I'd simply say, &quot;Hey, thanks for the offer!  At this time, I'm going to pass.  Let's get together for coffee/tea/rock climbing/egging cars/whatever we like doing together this weekend.&quot;  That responds to the question that you're not interested in rooming together while still indicating that you like spending time together.  If your friend asks for an explanation, I'd respond with &quot;I'm not looking for a roommate right now but thanks for offering&quot;.  That sounds honest relative to what you're saying and doesn't offer any excuses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T15:51:20.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15298" CreationDate="2018-06-07T15:57:07.147" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell them honestly what happened.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(That you sent them the email and then later realized that a call would be better.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey!  Its so and so, I've got a quick question about [thing].  I sent you an email about it a little while ago, but then I realized that I'd be better off calling you. ...anyways, I was wondering...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It only takes 2 extra seconds, but by keying them into your thought process, you prevent them from making any assumptions about your attitude.  By providing a quick, concise, and polite explanation, you're minimizing any potential embarrassment over what happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: I have made this mistake before, and have found that people are far more sympathetic when they know that you're trying to be as polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3318" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T15:57:07.147" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15221" CreationDate="2018-06-07T15:57:50.323" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, write what you want to say, plain and simple, dramatic as you like. Enter into histrionics if you need to. Swear and cuss. vent all the problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then shred the letter, burn it and scatter the ashes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that giving her that letter will achieve is to disrupt whatever equilibrium you've already achieved, it's highly unlikely to make things better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real benefit is to yourself, the emotional venting of writing it all down will help you far more than any likely conversation based on it. So write it and burn it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a time honoured tradition in many cultures.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Compare and contrast: &lt;a href=&quot;https://robscott.com/write-and-burn/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://robscott.com/write-and-burn/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Funnily, I actually wrote a few hundred words about a comparable experience to yours and vented hugely in it, then realised it didn't actually answer the question very well and deleted it. Rather unintentionally following my own advice and &quot;burning&quot; without showing anyone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel better already. So call that a recommendation for the technique.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T15:57:50.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15308" CreationDate="2018-06-07T16:47:42.970" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;If this is the only flag on your backpack, one answer could be to add some flags for other Countries you like or have been to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering the current geo-political situation, having only one flag (the Russian one) on your backpack is going to be seen by many as you making a strong political statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A Russian flag, along with flags for other countries is going to raise less questions, as people are more likely to assume you maybe just travel a lot, or are a football fan (the next World Cup is being held in Russia).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2756" LastEditorUserId="2756" LastEditDate="2018-06-07T18:07:41.010" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T18:07:41.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15298" CreationDate="2018-06-07T16:55:18.280" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being that it is housing related, there shouldn't be any concern about appearing to come off rude. Especially if the person you are contacting is involved in the business of home buying/renting. Deadlines happen and employees of the industry know that some aspects of the process need an immediate response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found that sending an email marked urgent (this can be done even with Gmail) as well as putting the word urgent in the subject line can help show time is of the essence. In the body, I would conclude by saying something like &quot;I need a response by 14:00 today (6/7/2018). If I don't hear from you, I will attempt to call you to discuss the matters before the deadline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This allows you to set the tone that you need an immediate response, you gave them the time frame for which it needed to be done by, and you informed them that should you not receive a reply, you will call them. That way, all your bases are covered in the email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way if you call, they are aware of the urgency should they have read the email. If they have not read it yet, you can quickly say you sent an email about the matters but due to the deadline being at 14:00 today, I wanted to make sure we were able to get the matters settled before then. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, most professionals in any working field understand deadlines and urgent matters. There have been several times at work where I sent an email and then 5 minutes later was calling up that department. There have been several times where no sooner was I reading an email, I had that person standing at my desk to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I wouldn't feel bad about appearing to come off rude, but definitely make sure that you do your due diligence to inform the urgency/importance of the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T16:55:18.280" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15319" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15308" CreationDate="2018-06-07T17:01:21.190" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;My answer: I recommend putting away the symbol until such time as it is unlikely to cause suspicion unless you wish to invite the hassle. Under certain circumstances, continued use of it puts your safety at risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From an observers point of view, it usually does not matter (to an observer) why you are using a particular sign or symbol. Most who think it suspicious will not bother to ask why you are using it. Most who think it suspicious will simply mentally label you as &quot;not-safe&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In public, a minor amount of being &quot;not-safe&quot; is usually not much of a threat to you. In a crowded place where you raise suspicions in certain sorts of folks, you might get &quot;bumped into&quot; pretty hard, but you'll mostly just have to deal with suspicious glares of those who take notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wind up alone and isolated, there is a minority of people who may take that opportunity to assault you, perhaps verbally, perhaps physically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People don't generally care why you have picked a symbol to associate yourself with. They make up the reason they need, and this helps drive their behavior. Your choice of a symbol offends them, and they act offended. To stop this, discontinue use of the symbol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T17:01:21.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15308" CreationDate="2018-06-07T17:23:48.813" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The two examples are quite a bit different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Being Civil&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you even have a Russian flag on your backpack? (In a tone that makes it sound like it's illegal to have that)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This at least has a thin vernier of civility to it. Were I in your shoes, I'd simply tell them the truth - One of your closest friends is Russian, the flag was a gift, and you wear it out of respect for him. That way it's a personal issue instead of a nationalistic one, and unless they're profoundly bigoted, they shouldn't have a problem with you having a Russian friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other response is a bit more... Problematic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Dealing with conflict&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Aren't you ashamed you have a flag of the country ruled by a dictator and killer? (Not even joking, even though questions like that are rare, it sometimes happens)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right out of the gate, they're picking a fight. This person is not, and will never be your friend. You shouldn't try to make peace or reason with this person - they've already decided they hate you - instead your goal is to avoid this becoming something worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option one, as others have said, is to simply ignore them. If you don't engage at all, they can only leave or kick and scream like a child. If they continue to pester you, remain calm and insist that this is not a productive line of conversation. Do not engage them about the topic at hand, just say that you'd rather not get into an argument on public transport.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Nuclear option&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are bold or stupid enough, meet them head on. Point out that no country is free of sin - not even Germany. You could say that NATO and the EU are guilty of destabilizing the middle east and ruining the lives of millions, or you could invoke Godwins law and mention the holocaust. Say that that's just what happens to spies, and every country probably does the same thing and covers it up. Whatever truth you think will be ugliest to them, run with it. Turn their blade back upon them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is most likely going to severely piss them off, but at least you can gain some smug satisfaction from &quot;Winning&quot; an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DISCLAIMER&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not take the Nuclear option. Humans are violent, scornful, and unpredictable. Possible consequences range from public humiliation, the filing of false police reports against you, and good old-fashioned beatings. You have been warned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4739" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T17:23:48.813" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14972" CreationDate="2018-06-07T18:11:37.357" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My co-workers and I do something similar. We all sit in the same area though, but every day one of my co-workers stands up at lunchtime and kicks the back of all of our chairs (lightly) and says lunch. It seems trivial to ask because we always go anyways but it also doesn't feel weird being the lunch alarm. While sometimes someone else will do it, it's usually the same person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To us, it isn't about being invited to lunch. It's already assumed since it's been done for years and in your cause a year. The announcement of lunch is merely that. To say let's go eat now. When someone can't make it, they will usually say at that time they cant go today, or I will message the group and say something like, sorry I have X to do at lunch today so go on without me. Otherwise, it's assumed you are going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can see how constantly asking can seem like you aren't being invited and it's a 1-way lunch friendship but in reality, both of you already assume that you will eat lunch together and this person would like for you to be his &quot;lunch alarm&quot; as someone else put it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it honestly bothers you a ton, I would find a way to talk to them about it. Let them know casually that while you are closer, or that their desk is on the way for you to walk to lunch, that it would mean a lot to you if he could initiate lunch talks sometimes. Even if it's a quick email. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people don't realize that things like this are important or can be interpreted differently. As my above example with my co-workers, we do this daily and no one feels burdened by being the one to always ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T18:11:37.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-07T19:12:45.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have two problems - 1) checking the time, and 2) the fact that the meeting runs over. For both of these problems, if you have someplace to be, it is not unprofessional to make sure you're going to keep all your commitments. Unprofessional is allowing yourself to be late for your next appointment because someone rambled too long in this one. For best results, let them know at the beginning of the meeting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Julie, just a heads up, I have a hard stop at 1 to prepare for my 1:30 with the Johnston account.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For times when you don't have a conflict, don't worry about the time. Focus on your client. Looking at the time when you don't have somewhere to be is not just &quot;looking impatient&quot; - it's &lt;strong&gt;actually being impatient&lt;/strong&gt;! And unless you have amazing slight of hand, there is no smooth way to pull a phone out of your pocket to check the time. You will need to install a clock in the room or get a watch to sneak a peak easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1633" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T19:12:45.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15308" CreationDate="2018-06-07T22:55:02.410" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my experience, some people are guilty of trying to find a &quot;statement&quot; in the public display of a foreign flag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, of course, there is no actual statement written on the flag. Instead, every person has to &quot;fill in the gaps themselves&quot;, based on their own stereotypes and world view. Most people — I'm sure of it — will correctly conclude you have certain ties with the country or like its culture. There will always be few others, however, that will try to project their worst political or xenophobic stereotypes that are so dear to mass media nowadays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So my question is how can I avoid or - if necessary - answer those super weird encounters/questions besides to not have the flag on my backpack because I don't feel like I should be ashamed for my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your actions should depend on how much you want to &quot;fit in&quot; with the society you live in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to avoid attention from the handful of bigots that you occasionally face, your only choice is to get rid of the flag. I don't think there is anything inherently &quot;bad&quot; in it, but it does mean you will have to subject yourself to self-censorship in order to &quot;conform&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you actually don't mind &quot;talking about it&quot;, I think it is best to honestly and calmly tell those people what you just told us: that you've got a dear friend in the country, that you are interested in its cultural heritage (assuming that you are!), and that this is just an innocent souvenir which is not meant to show support of some shady assassination most people in Russia have never even heard of. Depending on the person you're talking to, that may work (congratulations!), or it may only upset them. At any rate, stay kind, polite and truthful. If all fails, &quot;I'm sorry to hear you feel that way.&quot; may be a decent finishing line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The choice is ultimately yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2951" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T22:55:02.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15308" CreationDate="2018-06-07T23:48:37.060" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I assume &quot;take it off&quot; isn't an option, but if you put a German flag next to it (assuming you also like Germany), it would probably help send a much more welcome message: you like both countries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a chance people will assume you're a dual citizen if you do that, so if you really care about that, you could also add a third flag, but that might be overkill depending on your taste.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't see a way forward that involves keeping &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; the Russian flag on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastActivityDate="2018-06-07T23:48:37.060" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15290" CreationDate="2018-06-08T01:20:54.723" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As per &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/15296/&quot;&gt;@Daniel's answer&lt;/a&gt;, if you're not interested in a roommate and prefer to live on your own, then there is no issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to avoid an uncomfortable discussion about your reasons for not wanting to share a place with that guy, you could make up an excuse, but I'd be wary of specific false reasons like the &quot;cheaper places&quot; that you propose: they could be understood as being up for discussion (e.g., your friend not getting the hint and offering to look for cheaper places with you), and they can be exposed as lies later (e.g., if you end up moving in a place in the same price range as him). So I would consider vaguer excuses. For instance: &lt;em&gt;Thanks a lot for the offer! but as we've already been roommates for X years, I was thinking of trying out some new arrangement this time.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may not be appropriate in all contexts: e.g., it might give him the impression that the two of you are not as close as you once were, it might be misinterpreted as implying that you disliked something about your previous flat-sharing arrangement. That said, the desire to try out a new arrangement is something that people may be able to relate to: you want to try something new, you don't want to feel like you're back in the same situation as X years ago, you want to figure out what it's like to share a flat with a different person. And the nice part about this excuse is that it can't really be negotiated and also that it doesn't constrain you much about what you end up doing in the end (unless you are also considering to move in with someone else with whom you've already shared a flat before).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3893" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2019-07-29T11:27:16.477" LastActivityDate="2019-07-29T11:27:16.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6202" CreationDate="2018-06-08T01:22:31.627" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually ask &quot;Excuse me, is this seat taken?&quot; or something along those lines while looking or pointing at the seat. Usually the bag owner then hurriedly moves their bag and utters an apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach works because it is non-confrontational. I find it very difficult, if not impossible, to say something like &quot;Please remove your bag.&quot; or &quot;I would like to sit there&quot; without sounding like a jerk. Even if the bag gets removed and I get to sit down I find this interaction upsetting. Asking the above question makes it clear I would like to sit down, but does not create a confrontation because the removal of the bag is implied but not explicitly asked. Hence it gives the 'perpetrator' an easy out without being confronted about their 'misbehaviour' which may have been either accidental or somewhat inconsiderate without malice. Obviously, if someone is being deliberately anti-social, this approach will not work. But in that case I'd rather not have the confrontation either and just move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7940" LastEditorUserId="7940" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T20:09:04.370" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T20:09:04.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4852" CreationDate="2018-06-08T01:48:27.037" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the indirect implications mentioned in other questions don't work, but you want to make sure that you're not being too direct when you're asking, I think it would help to phrase it carefully, e.g., &lt;em&gt;&quot;Hey I was just going over my bank statement yesterday and I was wondering, had you paid me back for that time when X&quot;?&lt;/em&gt; In particular I think the following help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Giving some completely casual reason for bringing this up now. You probably don't want to give the impression that you've been meaning to ask for days and it's been making you uncomfortable (even if it's true). The reason doesn't need to be real, of course, just pick something simple that might have reminded you. Other option &lt;em&gt;&quot;I was buying a ticket for Y and it reminded me of that time when X...&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Giving some impression that you have some doubt about whether they had reimbursed you or not, because it is more gentle than pointing out directly that they haven't (even if you know, and everyone knows, that they haven't). The only risk with this is that they might also be unsure if they are very absent-minded... but in this case they should be fine with taking your word if you insist.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3893" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T01:48:27.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15333" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-08T02:38:24.793" Score="5" ViewCount="805" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am fully aware that there is a &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2061/how-can-i-tell-people-that-my-girlfriend-and-i-dont-want-children-of-our-own&quot;&gt;similar question already on this site,&lt;/a&gt; but I need help with a specific issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I brought up the fact that I have no intention of having children as an offhand comment just to test the waters to see how she would react, and I was expecting the usual &quot;you'll change your mind when you're older&quot; and everything like that, but instead the reaction was very different to what I was expecting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She told me that she felt like she had been a terrible parent for making me feel like parenthood is a horrifying depressive mess, and appeared to be quite shocked by my comment. Essentially she blamed herself for my decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I immediately tried to explain it wasn't an attack on her, and I wasn't trying to say that she looked like a depressive mess as a parent, but her response was that I should be more careful with people's feelings next time I'm saying things like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: She believes that my decision to never have children is a result of her being a bad parent.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now that the background for the question is out of the way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How do I explain to a parent that my decision to not have children is not a result of her being a bad parent?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Just putting this here to avoid miscommunications which I know are inevitable on the internet: She is not a bad parent and I don't view her as a bad parent, but I understand the way I have worded the question is a little unclear on that front)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18631" LastEditorUserId="16721" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T05:00:40.607" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T18:39:20.397" Title="How can I explain to a parent that my decision to not have children isn't an accusation that they've been bad parents to me?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15200" CreationDate="2018-06-08T03:18:13.927" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the answers focus on how to avoid this in the future.  I would just add that you should call their bluff.  That is to say if they say &quot;if you have somewhere else to be then you're free to leave&quot; then say &quot;thank you actually I have an important call/meeting/appointment/anything to get to in a few minutes&quot; and then leave.  Obviously after you pull this move don't let them catch you in the break room relaxing but presumably you have other work to do and the donor is going to go home after the meeting so there should be little risk of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't play this card very often so the other tips on how to avoid it are good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9911" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T03:18:13.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15333" CreationDate="2018-06-08T04:18:30.560" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I may be over extending a bit, but it's probably a truism that most good parents have doubts about how they did it, the decisions they made, what they could have, or should have done better... Truely terrible parents don't bother to ask those questions. They either &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt;, or they're too self absorbed to think about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's almost like the most basic psychopath test; have they ever bothered to wonder or ask if they're psychopaths? True psychos generally don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never wanted to have kids of my own because I grew up in a... Less than ideal sort of situation... I ended up raising other people's kids throughout most of my adult life. And, ya, I totally understand your mother's second guessing. There's always that fear that you're doing it wrong. Hopefully that fear leads you to do it right, or at the very least better than your parents did it with you. You do your best, but you're always aware of your shortcomings, those things that you wish you had done better. I've come to realize that just comes with the territory, no matter how hard you try, or how well you've done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So... What can you do to ease your mother's worried mind when it comes to your decision to not have kids of your own?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to her about it. Tell her how you really feel, and felt about her parenting. And be honest. That honesty part will probably be rather important. Try not to sugar coat, or gloss over the things that weren't great, but be clear that that's not the reason that you've made your decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically try to both reassure her that you appreciate her and her parenting ability, and that you're really making this decision for other reasons. Be prepared for one of those sappy, heart to heart, tears kinda conversations. Whatever your reasons for not wanting kids of your own are, be honest about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember having this conversation with my own mom, years ago. Even though my own childhood wasn't the best, making it clear that it wasn't her fault, and that it wasn't the only reason that I didn't want more kids seemed to put her mind at ease. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T04:18:30.560" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15337" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15308" CreationDate="2018-06-08T06:03:08.647" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sadly, there is usually no way to selectively reference a country's history(or parts thereof), politics (or parts thereof), people(...), architecture,.. &lt;strong&gt;via a simple signifier&lt;/strong&gt; . &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you also like the parts that makes people look critically upon the Russian flag (criminal and/or subversive interventions in foreign countries), or think those are not real,  you might try brushing up on the facts, and then start an &lt;strong&gt;amiable&lt;/strong&gt; conversation with the critics. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like the Russian spirit, spirits, and language, while commiserating with the Russian people for being caught in the current quagmire, tell anyone asking that. They will immediately view you in a different light, as this is what Völkerverständigung is all about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally view any person wearing any national flag as suspect, so i'd be in the crowd seeming to criticize you for the Russian flag - wearing a critical face is just as much subject to (wrong) interpretation as is any other sign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17109" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T06:03:08.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15308" CreationDate="2018-06-08T07:32:03.640" Score="28" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Problems&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Few flags in Germany&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You probably have noticed that there are very few flags in Germany. Except during a soccer world cup, you simply don't see many people wearing a flag anywhere on their clothes or backpacks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After WW2, German citizens have been suspicious of people who are proud of a flag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Not limited to Russia&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking the previous point into account, people will ask you questions about the flag you're wearing. I don't think it's limited to the Russian flag, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can very well imagine that a non American person wearing a US flag in Germany will have to explain why and might receive inconvenient questions about the current POTUS, Guantanamo Bay or the invasion of Iraq.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Flags aren't just about culture&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Flags might represent a language and a culture but they are also a political statement. If you wear a Russian flag, you cannot claim it isn't related in any way to the current regime, its actions or the man who has been its de-facto leader for almost 20 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Possible solutions&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Wear different symbols&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One possible solution would be to pick a different symbol. If you like the architecture, you could wear t-shirts representing Saint Basil's Cathedral or any building you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could wear pictures of famous writers, T-shirts with Russian quotes or a map of the Trans-Siberian Railway. There are thousands of symbols that could display your love for the culture while not being linked to the current political regime. Those would help spark discussion but wouldn't encourage confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Spread the love&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could learn the language, display Russian movies or documentaries at a local theater, propose Russian books to the book discussion club.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should make it clear what you're interested in and if someones still tries to link these cultural events to any political ones, you wouldn't be able to save the conversation anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2102" LastEditorUserId="2102" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T09:56:49.920" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T09:56:49.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15308" CreationDate="2018-06-08T08:28:38.830" Score="63" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two answers, one for each of the paths that you ask about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoid&lt;/strong&gt; questions by either removing the flag or putting it in context. The context could be other countries you like, or stickers that establish a travelling meaning. The flag by itself raises questions because it does &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; indicate if you enjoy the country, its politics and leadership, its political system or its landscapes. Unless you can provide a context, people will either wonder, or read into it whatever they want to read into it. You could also opt for another symbol if you are not particular about the flag, but as it was a present I assume that is not an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer&lt;/strong&gt; the questions in a similar way. Grab the assumptions hidden by the horns and make the person asking uncomfortable for having jumped to conclusions. For example, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really admire the wide forests and wonderful northern tundra landscape. It is one of the most beautiful places on Earth. What do you mean by &quot;aren't you ashamed&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people who are a bit stupid and won't get the hint, you can be more direct:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't care much about politics. I love the country and its people, the (food/music/architecture - whatever it is you love most) is just amazing. Do you have a problem with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they talk back to you and you don't feel like having an argument:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't really care much about your opinion. Have a nice day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes being blunt and straight, but without being personally insulting, is the best approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot comment anymore, so to address some of the comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Feel free to tune the exact wording up or down depending on your preferences. Note that the OP will anyway have to make these statements in German, so pedantery about specific words or phrases is misplaced&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The last statement &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; meant to be blunt, on the edge of rude, intentionally. The OP stated he has no interest in engaging in an extended conversation and primarily wants to shut people down. The answer is given in light of the question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I missed pointing out that after giving that last statement, you disengage yourself, e.g. walk away, look away, turn back to the friend you were talking to or whatever is situationally appropriate. If you say that and stand there staring someone in the eyes, yes that would be a provocation. Don't do that. After wishing them a nice day, disengage.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="3375" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T08:50:11.627" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T08:50:11.627" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15333" CreationDate="2018-06-08T14:07:17.820" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's been my experience that arguing people out of firmly-held opinions is a very hard task.  Look at how we deal with religious zealots, flat-earthers, or even political opinions.  I've seen no amount of reason, compassion, logic, or debate will change the mind of someone with an entrenched opinion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer here is to approach it less like trying to convince and more like a discussion.  That will involve listening to what she says, understanding it, and then trying to see her side.  (In this day and age, it seems to like too many discussions don't do the first, let alone the second and third.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this discussion, the bell's been rung, so there's no retreating from it.  She knows you plan on not having kids, so there's no way to have that discussion for the first time again.  You can re-open the discussion after things are a little calmer and start off with, &quot;I understand you blame yourself for my not wanting to raise kids.  Can you help me understand why you blame yourself for this?&quot;  Now you're asking for help, not trying to convince.  In my experience, people are willing to help but very unwilling to open themselves to be talked out of their beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let her talk.  In discussions with my parents, it's become apparent that we have VERY different interpretations of the same events.  What may have been traumatic to you may be a non-event to Mom, and vice versa.  The important thing is for you to let HER talk, not for you to argue with her or tell her that &quot;That's not how things were&quot;.  You want to understand her position, not argue her out of it.  This may take multiple listening sessions from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After, and only after, she has explained her position and you understand is it time for you to respond.  When talking with others, I've come to realize that others will only listen after they feel heard.  It's not the time to do a point-by-point rebuttal; it's time to sympathize and explain why you don't want to raise kids.  If it has nothing to do with how you were raised, then it's the time to tell her that.  &quot;Mom, I understand why you feel this way, and I really appreciate your taking the time to talk about it.  It's not a question of my childhood or how good of a parent you were.  You aren't the same mother that yours was, and I won't be the same parent you were.  That's just how things are; we're not clones of each other and times are different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not looking at parenthood because...&quot; and then lay out your reasoning.  Maybe you are too focused on your career.  Maybe you just don't want to raise  kids and don't see it as being rewarding.  Maybe you think the world is overpopulated and don't want to contribute.  Maybe the Flying Spaghetti Monster told you not to.  It doesn't matter what the reasoning is; you want to first of all ensure that she feels heard and then you want to take the position of helping her and that help consists of your reasoning to not be a parent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T14:07:17.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15348" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15357" CreationDate="2018-06-08T14:13:12.240" Score="52" ViewCount="13170" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to politics I prefer to take the role of a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1GGRV_enUS796US796&amp;amp;q=devil%27s+advocate+meaning&amp;amp;spell=1&amp;amp;sa=X&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwjBzezBmcTbAhUIbK0KHRK3AVQQBQgkKAA&amp;amp;biw=718&amp;amp;bih=774&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;devil's advocate&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt; instead of firmly entrenching myself into one political party's ideas.  I do not like to disclose my own vote to people because of hostility from others who voted differently, so I keep it to myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the current situation going on in Canada for the Ontario elections, with the Liberals not getting the 8 required seats to keep official party status, many people who supported them have brought it up in general conversation.  I never explicitly ask people their views, but they end up telling me anyways.  When I have brought up issues that I feel might have caused the Liberals to perform poorly, I am met with hostility and accusations of supporting &amp;quot;an evil party&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already tried explaining that I do not necessarily agree with the opposition, but people ignore it and continue to attack my character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel overwhelmed and some of my relationships with people I truly enjoy talking to have been strained because of this issue.  I would appreciate being able to continue to talk about politics with people, and this issue may come up in the future except with different parties, so I would like to know what I can do for the next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What strategies can I use to stop people from assuming I am against a certain party (and therefore a &amp;quot;bad person&amp;quot;) when I bring up counter arguments against them, &lt;strong&gt;without stating my personal political view?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T13:13:04.633" Title="How can I play the devil's advocate in politics without being attacked?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;politics&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15349" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15426" CreationDate="2018-06-08T14:16:46.887" Score="5" ViewCount="789" Body="&lt;p&gt;When my friend and I graduated college we decided to go into freelance software development as a way to earn money until we both get jobs. We were fortunate enough to have signed on clients fairly quickly and started to get money coming into our business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been doing freelancing as our full-time gig, until recently when I was hired on by a software development company full-time. Part of my employment at this company means I am not able to do any freelance work that will compete against the company's services. Around the same time I was transitioning from freelancing to being employed full-time, we met with investors interested in financing some of our non-freelancing projects and bringing them to the market.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After speaking with the company, and my business partner, we have come to a decision that I will still be involved with our software business, but I will be completely uninvolved in freelance work and instead work strictly with our investors on our non-freelancing projects. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem, though, is that despite mentioning multiple times that I wish to not be involved in the freelancing side of our business, he insists on involving me with freelancing work. We have agreed I'll be available to answer any software related questions for client projects we have both worked on, but he has often shifted or scheduled our business meetings to be primarily about freelancing. Whenever he does this, I make it clear to him that I am not going to be working on any freelancing work and I have him make the final decisions on any freelance related questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this behavior is still continuing and I would like for it to stop. I feel like I have very little time to work on projects now that I'm full-time and when he wants to have these meetings it feels like my time is being taken away to focus on work I do not want to be involved in. How do I tell my friend that I feel that he is not respecting our agreement for me to no longer be involved in freelancing and get him to stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extra Notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have told him before that not only am I not allowed to do freelancing work, but I also do not want to work on it due to time constraints and lack of interest&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is also going to be working with the investors on the projects. He wants to do freelancing work as a source of additional income&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He wants to put any money made from freelancing into our shared business account. I have informed him he is free to just take whatever he has made from freelancing for personal use and I will not touch anything he has made through freelancing unless it's a mutually agreed upon business expense&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9369" LastEditorUserId="9369" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T14:40:42.987" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T19:28:03.427" Title="How can I enforce a mutually agreed upon boundary set with my friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;business&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15348" CreationDate="2018-06-08T14:45:58.773" Score="104" Body="&lt;p&gt;Play stupid games; win stupid prizes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that sounds a bit harsh, but if you know that it's an issue that people are passionate about and you play devil's advocate for kicks, don't be too surprised if people want to kick you out. Telling them that you're just playing devil's advocate, because you enjoy debate, is likely to make that worse rather than better.  (Most folks don't enjoy being challenged just for the hell of it, or for your recreation)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a cousin who likes to play this game. He'll argue both sides of an issue just to get an argument going. It's like trolling in real life. The trouble is that most folks have noticed this and have started to regard the things he says as debate bait, even when he actually does feel strongly about one side or another. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have another cousin, the first cousin's little brother, who seems to employ the same tactic, but actually does have pretty strictly right leaning political views... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line is... Claiming that you're &quot;just playing devil's advocate&quot; doesn't do anything to lessen the irritation experienced by your conversation partner. They're likely to think that you are either hiding your true agenda, or just trolling for fun. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what can you do about this? &lt;strong&gt;Stop it.&lt;/strong&gt; Have an honest conversation where you honestly discuss your views and honestly listen to the views of your conversation partner, or drop the subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a difference between playing devil's advocate and educating oneself or others about an opposing view... Playing devil's advocate is often flying a false flag when there isn't a good reason to. One can talk about why the other side believes what they believe without pretending to believe it yourself, or hiding your own beliefs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most cases people won't appreciate being played with by someone who doesn't even hold the view they're arguing for. Particularly if they've already heard the argument from someone who actually holds that view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To expand on that a little bit... I can't begin to describe all of the times I've heard someone expose a really awful point of view and then try to absolve themselves by claiming that they're &lt;em&gt;&quot;just playing devil's advocate&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and that all sides should be heard, but they don't &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; support the things they've said... That usually sounds awfully hollow and it's all too often said by people backpedaling after they realize that they've said something deeply offensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you don't want to be perceived that way, try having an honest conversation instead.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T20:41:51.510" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T20:41:51.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15348" CreationDate="2018-06-08T14:55:43.610" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;Politics is a very contentious subject. When you &quot;play devils advocate&quot; you're fostering disagreement where there wasn't any previously. This is especially the case if you are just arguing whatever the opposing viewpoint of your conversational partner takes while being evasive about your actual political views. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone brings up a counter argument there's an implication that they disagree. If someone doesn't disagree, bringing up a counter argument is a violation of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooperative_principle&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Gricean Maxim of Relevance&lt;/a&gt;. This is why people are interpreting you taking the opposing position as you believing in that position. It wouldn't be relevant for you to bring up the counter argument otherwise. To put it simply when people argue a position the default assumption is that they believe in that position. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem I've had when taking contentious positions &quot;recreationaly&quot; in the past is that it's incredibly difficult to have productive conversations around contentious issues even when everyone involved is acting in good faith. Often people just want to vent or remark on events, not get into a debate. By always picking the converse position I was making everything into a point of contention. This lead to people finding me argumentative and frustrating since my goals for the conversation were different than theirs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to &quot;play devils advocate&quot; you need to choose when to do it wisely. You want to find people who are on the same page with you about the goal of the conversation. Find people who want to explore the issue and different interpretations of events with you. Make sure that they are on board with doing a deep dive on an issue at the start of the conversation. I've found it helps when doing this to take multiple positions within the same conversation to signal to others that I'm wanting to explore differing viewpoints rather than argue the correctness of a particular viewpoint. If you're clearly taking many different positions with a group of people who are on board with exploring the issue you're a lot less likely to get attacked for taking a particular position. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T15:31:13.823" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T15:31:13.823" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15352" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-08T14:56:57.407" Score="4" ViewCount="907" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yesterday I was taking the elevator down from the 5th floor to head out for lunch.  A co-worker who works on the 6th floor was already in the elevator.  I know that she works for my company, but I don't &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; her past that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While in the elevator she out of nowhere says &quot;&lt;em&gt;It seems like I always get the freight elevator.  I know a I am a big girl, but is someone trying to tell me something&lt;/em&gt;&quot;?  I responded with a uncomfortable laugh, and replied &quot;&lt;em&gt;Yeah, me too&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.  The situation made me feel very uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After thinking about it, I though that next time my best bet would be to ignore the comment.  But in this particular case, because she knew who I was, I didn't think I could without being rude and nor could I get away.  And &lt;strong&gt;the look on her face&lt;/strong&gt; made me &lt;em&gt;think&lt;/em&gt; I did not do such a good job in this scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, how could I handle a situation like this where someone is making a self deprecating uncomfortable comment and &lt;strong&gt;I don't have the ability to get away&lt;/strong&gt;?  I would prefer to make the situation easier on &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; as I am not the most social person, &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; the other person if possible as a secondary goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(&lt;em&gt;Without offending or seeming rude.&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1856" LastEditorDisplayName="user1856" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T15:39:42.357" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T15:39:42.357" Title="Elevator awkwardness, collegue makes self deprecating comment" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15353" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-08T14:58:17.930" Score="9" ViewCount="873" Body="&lt;p&gt;Imagine you write an email to a professor (or, to avoid academic specifics, councillor) Joseph Doe whom you never met personally before:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Professor (Councillor) Doe,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;blah-blah-blah&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Kind Regards,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Paul Smith&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and soon you get a reply,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Paul,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;blah-blah-blah&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Regards,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Joe&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Does the way that someone signs an email change how I should address them in my future responses?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both correspondents live in the UK if it affects your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18652" LastEditorDisplayName="user15922" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T18:43:20.867" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T11:09:45.757" Title="Does the way that someone signs an email change how I should address them?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15352" CreationDate="2018-06-08T15:21:24.513" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a Scotsman, self-depreciating humour is something I run into often. It's also not unheard of to speak to near-strangers when stuck in a small space together. This might not apply to your country or culture, but the following might help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Judge their expression and return it. If they openly laugh for example, then laugh a little yourself. This way, you at least acknowledge the remark without it coming across as completely agreeing with them. They'll likely think it an impulsive response, as laughing often is when someone else does it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's about a potentially delicate subject, such as a person's weight, I've found the best thing to do is divert the brief conversation away from a direct response. This way, you come across as friendly without risking any offence. For example, I was once in an elevator with a large fellow colleague. The chat went a bit like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him (laughing): &lt;em&gt;&quot;Designed to fit six people in these things? Good luck with that, eh? I bet I add like, four, to that total! Ha!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me (after a small laugh): &lt;em&gt;&quot;They seemed to have forgotten we move chairs, servers and stuff up and down here. Took us the whole morning to furnish that new meeting room!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: &lt;em&gt;&quot;Yeah, good luck getting all your gear up in one go!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &lt;em&gt;&quot;Bet the boss will be having words when we get a new office...&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Elevator talk is typically without any real purpose. With the approach above, I kept the conversation going without acknowledging the other person's own humorous (if possibly true) remark. Sure enough, the conversation went completely forgotten until now. Hope it helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T15:21:24.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15353" CreationDate="2018-06-08T15:39:39.880" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my time at a UK university, and interacting with those from others, most professors - as they are in a position of authority compared to you - prefer / expect students to address them in a formal manner. &quot;&lt;em&gt;Dear Professor Surname&lt;/em&gt;&quot; would be acceptable to keep up, even if they use their forename in the signature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many professors though are happy for their students or colleagues to address them in a more casual way, but given the more formal norm/expectation, they will typically make this preference known at the earliest convenient time. Best to stick to calling them Professor Surname until then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T15:39:39.880" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15348" CreationDate="2018-06-08T15:45:12.630" Score="64" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to focus on the part of your question which is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I have brought up issues that I feel might have caused the Liberals to perform poorly, I am met with hostility and accusations of supporting &quot;an evil party&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(Disclaimer: I'm from the US where political tensions have been running very high; I'm not sure if this is more or less so than Canada, but it sounds very similar in this regard.)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner often has conversations like that, most frequently online - sometimes strangers, sometimes friends. Like you, he doesn't like to publicly identify as a member of any particular party. However, his views do end up pretty much aligned with one party, and he has some strong opinions and criticisms about how they could be doing better. Unfortunately when he tries to bring these up in internet forums, he often gets ad-hominem attacks in response (think &quot;Spotted the [opposite-party candidate] voter!&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After seeing his experiences with this, I personally choose not to discuss politics unless I know the other person well enough to tell that they'll either be open to a respectful debate.. or mostly agree with me anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've both observed that the vast majority of people openly discussing politics&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have very strong views, as in &quot;if you're not for us, you're against us&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't like their views to be challenged&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Please note I don't mean the vast majority of people &lt;em&gt;overall&lt;/em&gt; - just the ones who are vocal about their politics.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some indicators that work fairly well for me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Good:&lt;/strong&gt; You've seen them respond to other people's criticisms respectfully&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Good:&lt;/strong&gt; They offer caveats and disclaimers when giving their opinions about policy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Good:&lt;/strong&gt; They ask questions and invite follow-ups&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bad:&lt;/strong&gt; They phrase their opinions as fact or absolutes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bad:&lt;/strong&gt; They attack people in the opposite party&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the best way I have found, if you aren't sure if they'll be open, is to &lt;strong&gt;start by asking questions&lt;/strong&gt; instead of going straight into a full-on debate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I kind of stumbled upon this by accident: shortly after I moved states, I joined a local forum, and someone posted an article about a very concerning character running for public office. Unbeknownst to me, a law had recently been changed in my new state that had made this person eligible to run. So when I saw a disparaging comment along the lines of &quot;Ugh, this is why [category of people] shouldn't be allowed to run for office&quot;, I was confused and asked honestly, &quot;Huh, interesting idea, what about [potential complication]?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The commenter was a bit hostile at first, but I continued responding &lt;em&gt;in good faith&lt;/em&gt; and explained I was just interested in exploring the implications of such a policy... although it didn't go too far after that (I think he wasn't really interested in a discussion) the subsequent responses were much less hostile and I even got some virtual internet points out of it :P&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another good strategy is to &lt;strong&gt;throw them a bone&lt;/strong&gt;. Try to include concessions when you can, instead of simply disagreement, e.g. &quot;I really like the general idea of this law, but I'm worried it will be used to allow bad things.&quot; This is something my partner had problems with as well: he often posts criticisms of Party A, and certain people started saying &quot;hmm, you &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; you're not on Party B's side, but I never see you criticize &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;...&quot; (when the reality is that he follows Party A more closely, and feels like it will be more effective to talk to Party A people than to the other). Signaling some agreement in the beginning statement helped soften the blow and cut down on knee-jerk &quot;oh no a nonbeliever!&quot; reactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people that I do know well and don't want to harm the relationship, I try to be sensitive to how they receive such comments. For example, I have pretty much opposite views of my parents now, although I was raised with their values. When I had just shifted my ideology I tried asking questions and trying to subtly poke at some issues - later my mother told me she was very offended by that. So I don't talk about politics with them anymore! Instead, I'll talk to my partner or friends that I know are interested in political issues and that I've seen have measured discussions before. And with new friends, I'll still revert back to asking questions first and watching their reactions to others before deciding whether or not to bring up a discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing to keep in mind that political issues might be a fun thought experiment for you, but an intensely personal issue to someone else, and they may well be offended by you treating it like an abstract academic exercise. If they do, apologize and make a mental note not to debate with them in the future. There are certain things I know I can't tolerate a debate on either! My partner's solution, since he sometimes does really want to discuss a particular issue, is to seek out a forum (could be online or in person) which explicitly encourages an atmosphere of open debate, instead of trying to engage random people who mention it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T16:51:10.277" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T16:51:10.277" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15358" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-08T15:49:38.173" Score="9" ViewCount="1303" Body="&lt;p&gt;Imagine yourself working in a company which has a team building tradition of going together to the pub on average two evenings a week and this is almost compulsory. But you do not get any pleasure from drinking alcohol and consider it as unnecessary three hour overtime. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have tried to avoid some of these events in the past by saying you have a medical appointment or a plumber is visiting your house but your colleagues move their alcoholic events to fit your schedule. You have tried to explain that you do not like alcohol but they say have a soda.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How you would approach them about the fact you do not want to go to these events without offending them or hurting your relationship and without having to make excuses twice a week?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/15032/how-to-avoid-participating-in-a-team-building-trip-without-causing-bad-feelings&quot;&gt;The previously discussed question &quot;How to avoid participating in a team-building trip without causing bad feelings for coworkers?&quot;&lt;/a&gt; will not help here, as a one-time excuse method described there will not help me to avoid a recurring event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18652" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T20:14:04.890" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T02:50:18.580" Title="How to avoid endless corporate evening pubs but still have nice relationship with the colleagues?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15298" CreationDate="2018-06-08T15:58:04.397" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you are worried that it is inappropriate to both call and send email. I would not worry about that;  It is a good practice actually.  TLDR: &lt;strong&gt;Put it out of your mind&lt;/strong&gt;.  Lead the conversation with the time urgency of the matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason it's a good practice is each mode is better at different things.  Email supports a lot of detail and structuring it for readability, in ways you cannot possibly communicate over the phone.  Whereas a phone call is instant and interactive in ways email cannot (simply because it takes time to write emails). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone gave you a hard time about it in the past, then their real issue may have been something else, like they resented being disturbed about the matter &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt; via any channel. That's a different problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T15:58:04.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15363" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15333" CreationDate="2018-06-08T18:04:34.877" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also went the route of &quot;off-hand comment to test the waters&quot; when I first brought up not wanting kids to my mom. But that was when I was in high school, and she did give me the &quot;you'll change your mind when you get older&quot; response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that I'm childless in my mid-20s, it's a topic that my parents bring up from time to time. My mom did initially think that she gave me the wrong impression of parenthood, because I gave the same explanation as you for not wanting kids, the idea seems depressing to me. She apologized for the times she complained about raising me and my brother, but reassured me that being our mother was her greatest joy. While that was very sweet of her, it didn't change my perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I already knew she loved being a mother, I never once doubted that, but I also knew that one of her goals in life was to be a great mother, which I believe she achieved. I explained to her that I had completely different goals, and having to give up on them to raise kids would be depressing for me. I think after talking to her about what I want to do in life, she realized I never wanted to nurture another human being. In the end, while she was disappointed I didn't change my mind, she also understood where I was coming from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have friends who also don't want kids, but they all have their own reasons and were able to communicate them to their families. While not everyone in our families were able to understand our reasoning, those who understand us do. I believe my mom and I being able to see our differences helped us understand each other more. Try explaining to your mom why parenthood seems depressing to you. I can see why telling a parent that being a parent looks depressing can be hurtful, but explaining why it doesn't work for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; specifically is easier to for someone else to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18343" LastEditorUserId="18343" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T18:39:20.397" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T18:39:20.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15348" CreationDate="2018-06-08T18:28:42.283" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't have your cake and eat it too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When it comes to politics &lt;strong&gt;I prefer to take the role of a &quot;devil's advocate&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; instead of firmly entrenching myself into one political party's ideas. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;contradicts your very next sentence:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do not like to disclose my own vote to people because of hostility from others who voted differently, so &lt;strong&gt;I keep it to myself&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Devil's advocate&quot; &lt;strong&gt;means&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;deliberately taking the opposing position&lt;/em&gt;, so you're &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;keeping your opinion to yourself&quot;, you are &lt;em&gt;setting yourself up as their political opponent&lt;/em&gt; (no matter their view). You can't blame them for taking your argument seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're welcome to continue doing that, but that might be incompatible with not being viewed as a jerk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way to think of it: &lt;strong&gt;devil's advocate can be seen as trying to turn a deeply important issue&lt;/strong&gt; (to one person) &lt;strong&gt;into an amusing academic exercise&lt;/strong&gt;. It can be seen as an attempt to &lt;em&gt;trivialize&lt;/em&gt; an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To you, a discussion about (for example) proposed legislation regarding LGBT discrimination in the workplace may be an interesting hypothetical argument. But for the person you're arguing against, it's not hypothetical at all, because you're talking about &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt; (or their sister, or their son, or their best friend). And no, not being part of that group doesn't make you more &quot;objective&quot; on this issue, it just gives you a different perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4090" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T18:34:16.897" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T18:34:16.897" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15367" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-08T19:15:41.833" Score="3" ViewCount="591" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider the following situation at the grocery store, on a normal day (i.e., not including out-of-the-ordinary cases like Black Friday) in a medium to large town (i.e., where almost no one will know anyone else in the store):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone (say 4 to 5 people) is lined up behind the only open till. A cashier comes and opens the adjacent till and motions to the line of people she is open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is the general etiquette (rule?) that the people who change lines and arrive roughly at the same time line up in the same order as they were in the original line, or is it more like a race and people just line up in the order they arrive (which usually results in the person near the back of the original line begin first as they had the shortest path/best visibility)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12657" LastEditorUserId="12657" LastEditDate="2018-06-10T20:09:59.493" LastActivityDate="2018-06-10T20:09:59.493" Title="Grocery store line etiquette" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;shopping&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-06-09T03:05:31.837" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15353" CreationDate="2018-06-08T19:53:29.193" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;In business school, I learned about the formalities of writing an email. (Note, this is a US perspective)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When addressing someone in a superior position (such as a professor), always start with the highest formality possible, just as you did. It is then up to the other person to dictate the formality going forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A formal salutation and email will include a Dear, Hello, etc. (no hey or hi), a title (use Dr. if a doctor, Mr. or Ms./Miss), followed by a last name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear Dr. Doe,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hello Miss Doe,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; drop the formality, like in this case, it is safe to drop formality on your end BUT to the extent that the formality was dropped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because your professor address you as &amp;quot;Dear Paul&amp;quot; (switching to first name and signing with first name) you should respond with &amp;quot;Dear Joe&amp;quot;. If the other person drops the salutation, you can drop the salutation. &lt;strong&gt;You always match the formality of the superior you are communicating with.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is a person equivalent to you (colleague, student, friend), &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; dictate the formality. You can start as formal as you'd like and drop formality as the communication continues to your discretion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: @EmC found a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.bristol.ac.uk/sml/undergraduates/stuinfo/emailetiquette.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;link&lt;/a&gt; to a UK document that supports this approach, indicating this is customary in the UK as well. Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T21:50:59.353" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15348" CreationDate="2018-06-08T20:14:27.233" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;I play the Devil's Advocate &lt;em&gt;all the time&lt;/em&gt;, I think with a good amount of success (as in, people don't usually get made at me for it). There are a few things I always keep in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;When you should do it&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you know that the person you're talking to appreciates open discourses on contentious subjects.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some people who do not want their worldview challenged. For those people, do not challenge it. However, there are some people who simply want to find the root of an issue. They're willing to forgo political affiliations in exchange for objectivity. These are the types of people you play the Devil's Advocate with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you know &lt;em&gt;both sides&lt;/em&gt; of the debate&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, you shouldn't play the Devil's Advocate on an issue you're not too familiar with. The whole point is to open up a discourse, but if you don't know how each side fits into the other (or, more appropriately, how they don't), then you're just arguing. They'll say their side, you'll present the alternative, and that's that. Nobody like that. Don't do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to approach it&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Remove your own opinions from the conversation. Completely.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When playing the Devil's Advocate, you have to remember that you aren't expressing your own opinion. Rather, you're communicating the Devil's opinion. By definition, the Devil's opinion is not favorable, so you have to make &lt;strong&gt;absolutely sure&lt;/strong&gt; that you don't accidentally conflate that opinion with your own. That's one of the reasons it's so important to know both sides of the debate. If you enter the conversation with only one side, you'll find it very difficult not to give a bias towards that side. Once you stop approaching the conversation objectively, you're not playing the Devil's Advocate anymore.  If you find yourself too emotionally attached to one side, don't play the Devil's Advocate. It won't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Never present these arguments as your own.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one's a little tough, but you have to keep the person you're talking to from thinking you endorse the Devil's opinion, even if you do. I do this by explicitly stating someone else holds this opinion. For example, if you say &quot;when Y happens it leads to Z&quot;, and someone disagrees, &lt;em&gt;they're arguing with you&lt;/em&gt;. If you say &quot;conservatives think that Y leads to Z&quot;, and someone disagrees, &lt;em&gt;they're arguing with the idea&lt;/em&gt;. I've found when people push back on the former phrasing, they're expecting me to defend that stance, and if I oblige I find myself entrenched on that side. We're trying to avoid that. When people push back on the latter phrasing, they're typically expecting me to explain why the other side thinks that. This keeps me nicely detached from either side, keeps things objective, and lets me just shrug if the other person seems too upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Try to present both sides equally&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you end up presenting the liberal stance on every issue, you're not the Devil's Advocate; you're the Liberal's Advocate. Now you're not objective anymore. Further, by only presenting an opposing position, the person you're talking to is going to slip into that mindset that you agree with the Devil. Avoid that. Don't be afraid to counter the arguments you bring up with arguments from the other side (another reason to know both sides). This reinforces the perception that you're just trying  to keep an open and objective discourse. If you only argue one way, people will forget that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;When to stop&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The other person gets too fired up&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember when I said not to play the Devil's Advocate if you're too attached to one side? That applies for the person you're talking to as well. If I told someone I supported vaccinations and they tried to play the Devil's Advocate, I'd get mad at them no matter how far they try to separate their own opinions and the opinions they're sharing. That's one of those topics I cannot approach civilly. If you realize you've stepped into one of those topics, &lt;strong&gt;stop&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You aren't certain about what you're talking about&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember the whole point here is to discuss both sides of a topic. If you find yourself speculating too much, you  aren't representing the other side very well anymore. Further, the bigger the gaps in your knowledge, the more you'll find yourself filling those gaps with personal opinions. We've gone over why this should be avoided.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;An example's been requested&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I were talking about the &quot;Right to Try&quot; bill recently passed in the US. It states that terminally ill patients can try non-FDA approved medicines now. That's an overgeneralization, but it's close. My wife says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could everyone not support this? If someone's dying why not let them try anything?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I agree, but I'm actually familiar with some of this debate. Further, I know my wife. I'm aware she'd be open to discussion, assuming I don't push it too far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I replied along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, a lot of critics are concerned that sick people will try the non-FDA drugs first because they're less expensive. Since those drugs are also less likely to work, that might cause avoidable deaths. They think it should only be an option after trying the FDA-approved options. Of course, drug manufacturers could just game that by saying their regimen takes a year or something to run its course so people don't get to try anything else anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here I've presented an opposing stance (as someone else's), but also brought up a flaw in it as well. Hopefully, that response shouldn't tip my own hand. Further, I know there's an argument to be made about lowering drug prices, but I don't know it, &lt;em&gt;so I didn't make it&lt;/em&gt;. Also, if my wife had a terminally ill family member, &lt;em&gt;I'd never touch this issue&lt;/em&gt;. I would be too personal, too emotional, and would just cause trouble. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="3601" LastEditDate="2018-06-08T20:57:49.807" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T20:57:49.807" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15367" CreationDate="2018-06-08T20:50:00.807" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question specifies particular lines for registers and not common feeder lines where the problem would not occur.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I looked to see you are from Canada, and I will imagine my US based response will be good enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the original line, there is a Person-Being-Served, who naturally cannot move. There is Next-In-Line, who also will not move because they are next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of how some lines have an end-cap where they entice children with candy and adults with gossip magazines, there may be space where another 1 or 2 folks cannot conveniently move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whoever can conveniently do so should be the one to move to the newly opened line.  However, this should not change the real order of the queue. If a person from the end moves up out of sequence, they are line jumping, but the worst they will get are stern looks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever practical, courtesy and advantage should be yielded to the pregnant, elderly, and disabled (unless declined by the target) but that should be a general rule regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course, there are times when the person who logically should be the first to move gives the &quot;No-You-Go-Ahead&quot; verbal or non-verbal signals, in which case they have forfeited their advantage spot in the new line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, official answer: second person still to be served has first option, unless design of the checkout lane keeps them from moving easily, at which point it goes down the line until someone can move over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T20:50:00.807" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15348" CreationDate="2018-06-08T21:21:37.150" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For any non-Ontarian readers, the situation here was similar to America's last presidential election (which more people are familiar with) in that none of the candidates were exceptional or well regarded by the majority of the population. The leader of the Liberal Party (and Premier prior to the elections) was hated by the majority population; the leader of the PC Party has views resembling those of Donald Trump and was also hated by a large number of the population (for those views).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand what you mean, when someone asks &quot;how could anyone vote for Ford&quot; or &quot;how can anyone still support Wynne&quot;, it's hard to explain those people's point of view without being painted as one of them, regardless of which party you support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution depends on who you are talking to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people make it their goal to convince everyone that every politician is evil, except the one they support.  They don't see a reason to support a party other than theirs and they stop listening when you try to give them some. Their arguments don't have to be rational, and they're not interested in having a conversation: they want to rant out a monologue at the end of which you agree with them, and any other views are inexcusable.  I have family members like this (uncle). Conversations about politics won't go anywhere but arguing unless you unequivocally support their views. It's a loss of time, and possibly ruined relationship. For those people &lt;strong&gt;avoid talking politics&lt;/strong&gt;. Change the subject, do it bluntly and explicitly if you have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Let's not talk about politics&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other people are more open-minded and willing to have a conversation with opposing points of view, and can understand other points of views than theirs without getting angry. With those people, I think you can keep acting as you currently are. One thing you can do, is preface your sentence with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, I understand &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, &quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;before explaining your point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your job is now to find who falls into which category, and direct the conversation accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3441" LastActivityDate="2018-06-08T21:21:37.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15374" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15396" CreationDate="2018-06-09T01:58:02.173" Score="13" ViewCount="1494" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last night, I wanted to cut my own hair and I used a hair-cutting-machine for that. I wanted to cut it short, about 1-2cm. In the middle of the process, the machine stopped working, I opened it for repair and put it all back together. But I forgot the spacer. When going on shortening my hair I wondered about how much more there was. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I finished the back of my head, I looked in the mirror seeing that there's no hair left, except on my forehead and partly one of my sides. The damage was unrepairable, I so removed the rest too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work as a programmer and am a student. There are no strict rules on how to look, but especially in my environment, a shaven head is generally equally thought often as right-winged. I have the fear that people will see me and think I'm a nazi (which I'm certainly not). I also have no idea how to explain to my co-workers how something that stupid could have happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm full of shame right now regarding this issue. What's the best way to handle that confidently and professionally, without misunderstandings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18676" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2018-06-09T08:35:15.817" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T22:44:08.760" Title="How to handle accidential baldness in a professional environment?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15375" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15374" CreationDate="2018-06-09T02:14:03.223" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I shave my head periodically, and usually don't have that issue, even when combined with the combat boots... The only time I've ever had someone mistake me for a Nazi was when I was approached by a Nazi (surprise, surprise, they're not the brightest)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably much adue about nothing. Don't trouble yourself about people thinking that you've suddenly and inexplicably become a Nazi over the weekend. &lt;strong&gt;It's just a haircut.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you enjoy a little self deprecating humor, tell them the story about the broken shaver. If not, tell them it's getting warmer and it's refreshing to shave it down. (There really isn't anything like feeling the breeze on a freshly shaved scalp)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you'd rather not deal with it at all, find yourself an appropriate hat...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T02:14:03.223" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15374" CreationDate="2018-06-09T08:09:15.140" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Oh dear! &#xA;Having accidentally made yourself look like one kind of shaven stereotype, you can counter this by allusion to other shaven stereotypes. &#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/OuDmY.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/OuDmY.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;buddhist monk&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&#xA;I don’t suggest going the full saffron robe, but what you can do is assess your wardrobe and choose the items which are less nazi, more Buddhist. Send signals which counter those your hair itself might send.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Does the dress code at your work allow for floral shirts, can you wear a tie-dye t-shirt? Can you get away with wearing a light scarf? If the style is more formal see what you can add by choice of neck-tie and socks, go for the most relaxed style the code allows, favouring soft lines over sharp creases. &#xA;Also to counter the skin-head vibe, let your chin stubble grow. That should quickly offset the look. &#xA;If your concern is on public transport etc, get some very non-nazi lapel badges to wear. &#xA;Also, don’t be afraid to encourage people to laugh with you about it. Tell your colleagues what happened, turn it into a good think be saying something like ‘people usually shave their heads for charity, if you’re going to have a laugh you should at least give a few bucks to [insert appropriate obviously-not-nazi charity] so that my suffering has meaning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-06-09T08:32:34.183" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T08:32:34.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15374" CreationDate="2018-06-09T12:21:18.463" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's really no difference between accidental and deliberate baldness.  Either way, you don't have hair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I shave my head.  I do so because I was losing my hair anyway.  When I came in the day after I shaved for the first time, I had a couple people ask me, &quot;Trying a new look?&quot; but that was about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, yours will be a little more extreme because you had more that you shaved off.  I understand your worry about being mistaken for a Nazi, but ask yourself this: what behavior have you shown prior to this that would make people think you are one of those fools? If you haven't been walking around chanting &quot;Asylanten raus!&quot; or something like that, then I think you are pretty safe.  The only thing that has changed is your hair and not your behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wear it and embrace it.  Say you're trying something new and see how you like it.  It's actually pretty easy to maintain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T12:21:18.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15381" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-09T12:47:05.767" Score="2" ViewCount="471" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well I'm not literally literal. But I interpret communication relatively literally.  Specifically I usually take definitions literally.  This leads to misinterpretations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others have called me literal.  And just this past week someone compared my communication to a robot.  That wasn't the first time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an example of me misunderstanding:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friend said this publicly online:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Call your friends out for their sh-tty behavior. Encourage your friends to do better. Love is pushing someone to be their best self, it is not being complacent in order to keep from disrupting the balance you are comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here was my interpretation: &quot;If you're pushing someone to be their best self, you are pushing them from sh-tty to good, to great, to execellent to best.  Not just the first step. Friend wants said pushing.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days later while reflecting I thought of a piece of constructive criticism.  I sent it over a message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They replied:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wasn’t necessarily looking for a challenge though lol. When I said challenge your friends, I moreso meant when they are being sh-tty people, call them out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went back and read what they wrote.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first sentence aligned with the reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If &quot;Encourage your friends to do better&quot; means &quot;Encourage your friends to do better [than sh-tty]&quot; then the second sentence aligns, as well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I struggle to make the third sentence align with the reply.  If if I were to redefine &quot;best&quot; to mean &quot;not sh-tty&quot;, then it aligns &quot;Love is pushing someone to be their [not sh-tty] self&quot;.  But that's not what &quot;best&quot; means.  What am I doing wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I determine what people mean when they communicate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastEditorDisplayName="user16858" LastEditDate="2018-06-09T18:50:48.413" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T18:50:48.413" Title="I'm literal; how can I understand what is meant?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;&lt;literal-language&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-06-10T02:10:18.430" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15348" CreationDate="2018-06-09T13:09:02.347" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be up front, which works for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer negative voting - eliminate the options that have a real concern for you, and treat the other options as more-or-less acceptable. It's not the same as devils advocate but if explained poorly would hit the same issues - namely you are focusing on what could be bad/wrong/a concern with X, while everyone else is looking for what's great with X.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Solution? Be more &quot;up front&quot;. Try this approach which works well for me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I tend to look for concerns and problems. Everything looks good at first, if you look for the ways a nice idea can go wrong, I find there's a better chance to avoid it, or at least have eyes open and not be disappointed. So when I look at Theresa May/Vladimir Putin/Donald Trump/Hilary Clinton, I start by thinking &quot;where they can screw up or make things worse&quot;, and what's a problem with their approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I might admire X for what he's done for business, but I'm much more focused on how that's been at a cost of stirring up populism and social divisions, how he exaggerates and doesn't seem to be truthful all the time, and how he seems to think bullying and attacking others is a valid way to succeed. Those are much more my focus than any prestige or business gains. If he looks good but parts of society gets worse, that's not okay for me. Do I know the answers? No.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T13:09:02.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14821" CreationDate="2018-06-09T15:01:06.440" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Accepting or rejecting a business card is part of the information exchange&lt;/strong&gt; you already have with the person offering the card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The card is just &lt;strong&gt;a different medium than speech&lt;/strong&gt;. The conversation continues without break, switching to the medium &quot;card&quot;, and possibly back to speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's translate the &quot;card&quot; medium to the &quot;speech&quot; medium:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;    by offering the card,the other person says &quot;&lt;strong&gt;by the way, that's me&lt;/strong&gt; (and details)&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'ts expressed very quick if you just routinely take the card, without even really looking at it. It continues by some end like &quot;thanks&quot; and walking away or some gesture. Or the conversation continues, if your'e interested. Now you have the card, and can express your interest by asking a question or anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, let's translate possible proposed responses: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dropping it to the ground immediately, with an evil eye means &quot;fuck off&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dropping it to the ground immediately, means a strong &quot;go away&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Throwing it away immediately (to bin, table etc.) means &quot;Shut up&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Throwing it away behind the next corner into a bin, even if he sees it means &quot;not what I'm interested in&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting it into your briefcase with smile means &quot;thank you, that's interesting&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I leave &quot;let's go outside and have a bar fight&quot; and &quot;I'd like to have sex with you&quot; as exercise for the reader.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="521" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T15:01:06.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15385" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15381" CreationDate="2018-06-09T15:13:28.820" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a lot to consider when interpreting speech acts. Parsing the text of the act is only a small component of this. The whole field of Linguistics is devoted to the study and understanding of language and how it's used. I found that taking an introduction to linguistics class in college helped a lot with my ability to understand and reason about the non-textual aspects of communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found my study of the field of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pragmatics&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Pragmatics&lt;/a&gt; to be especially helpful in this regard since the field is devoted to the study of how context contributes to meaning. I'd strongly recommend reading up on the subject yourself if you have the time to devote to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're having difficulties with understanding the intended meaning of a speech act not just the portion of meaning encoded in the semantics understanding &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Implicature&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;implicatures&lt;/a&gt; is a good place to start. These are bits of meaning that are implied by the text but aren't logically implied by the text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A classic example of this is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: Where do you want to eat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B: I've heard that you can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing in B's response that explicitly says that they want to eat at Alice's but what's actually being communicated is an desire to eat there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the prevailing theories for how we are able to understand the implicatures of a speech act is called the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooperative_principle&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;cooperative principal&lt;/a&gt;. Conversations that follow this principal (which is most of them) are based on the assumption that both parties are working to further the intended (but often unspoken) goal of the conversation. There are some maxims associated dictated by this principal called Grice's Maxims.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the exchange above we can use the Maxim of Relevance which requires that speech acts be relevant to interpret that B's remark about hearing a place with good food is relevant to the goal of the conversation, ie. to find out where B wants to eat. If B didn't want to eat there it would be flouting the Maxim, and counterproductive for it to be brought up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T15:13:28.820" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15388" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-09T16:27:09.207" Score="2" ViewCount="349" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;: Me and my school days friend [we did our school till graduation together, we are the best study buddies, project buddies] are very good friends and make it a point we meet each other at least once a year like go to some resort for couple of days, hiking, conference.. etc. our spouse/family know us well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;: I insist on keep our money spent on the time together kept separate not owing each other as we are earning ourself and responsible adults. But this friend always some or the other way cross this line. For instance,&#xA; This year we had planned  conference + hiking. Friend had booked the hotel for both of us without informing me. In-spite of me telling not do that several times. I said, will pay you back but friend insisted on not necessary, you can take care of restaurant charges.. etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not like such things. This friend is not taking money booked for the hotel [which is quite expensive] and the money spent in the restaurant did not even covered quarter of what the hotel cost. How do I fix this, would it work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I buy gift and post it to this friend's home.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Next time me-booking hotel, I do not want to wait till next year. So should I post money ?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any help way to make this friend understand  ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18268" LastEditorUserId="13736" LastEditDate="2018-06-09T18:53:36.927" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T19:43:56.057" Title="How to politely pay back money?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-06-10T02:16:50.727" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15388" CreationDate="2018-06-09T19:43:56.057" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;What a nice question. Instead of people asking how to make &quot;friends&quot; pay back money that they owe, here is someone who actually &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to pay back! Many people would wish they had friends like that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now seriously, if your friend pays for things and doesn't want to be paid back, then you can assume that your friend actually enjoys doing some good deed. If you believe that your friend can afford to pay out, then everything is fine. There is no need to pay back. If you can do something good for your friend, then do it. Don't spend money on things that wouldn't be purchased otherwise. So don't buy a present that you would otherwise not have bought. Your friend wouldn't want that. Paying a restaurant bill is fine because that money would have been spent anyway (shared between you and your friend, instead of you paying alone). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend can't afford it, that is a different matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T19:43:56.057" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15348" CreationDate="2018-06-09T20:25:47.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had good results with just explicitly saying what I'm doing before asking a risqué question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just to play devil's advocate...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets them know that the next statement is not necessarily one you endorse (i.e., &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedge_(linguistics)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;hedging&lt;/a&gt; the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooperative_principle#Maxim_of_quality&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;maxim of quality&lt;/a&gt;). If people don't realize your implication, you can always add &quot;not because I'm convinced of this&quot; or &quot;so I can understand our position(s) better&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, bringing up &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; emotionally loaded topic, not just politics, for the sake of learning more is best done tactfully in scenarios you've judged to be comfortable and open, in relationships where there's a basic level of trust. Probing opinions often tests relationships...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the same reason, you can intentionally use a humble, inquiry-based conversation style like &quot;What do you think of ...?&quot; People rarely mind being asked if they perceive the question as sincere (not insistent, not implicitly a challenge). The only downside is that you sometimes come across as naïve for asking, which doesn't bother me much personally. You're sincerely trying to learn!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; challenging them, well, expect relationships to be strained! That doesn't mean never challenge, but you could lay off till trust and comfort are reestablished. You don't have to state your view or agree with theirs, but just listening and deflecting argument can allow people a chance to cool off and see that you enjoy their friendship more than debate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="475" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T20:25:47.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15374" CreationDate="2018-06-09T22:28:08.723" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am German and also shave my head; since my mid-30s the hair was receding and thinning out, following the typical male pattern baldness. So finally I trimmed them extremely short.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your fear is unnecessary, skinheads are also wearing dark clothes, boots and bomber jackets. I have always worn glasses and like bright colors like orange, red or green, so I think this is the best option you have: Simply don't look like a skinhead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing which you must go through is telling your colleagues. Go in and when they look astonished at you, explain embarassed (I think that will be no problem) what has happened, German culture is open to errors, such mishaps can happen to everyone, so don't expect more problems. The only problem is if you remain silent and don't explain what happened, going forward is really your best option in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think that you shaved the back of your head without noticing sounds too strange, you can simply say that you forgot to insert the spacer and without thinking much moved the cutter upwards behind your ear. This is very hard, if not impossible, to repair (I speak from experience).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastEditorUserId="8702" LastEditDate="2018-06-09T22:44:08.760" LastActivityDate="2018-06-09T22:44:08.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15348" CreationDate="2018-06-10T07:34:17.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask them questions, instead of giving them answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Do you think x-y-z could have caused this?&quot; or &quot;I have seen some people say X-Y-Z caused this, what do you think?&quot; will be far better received than &quot;X-Y-Z could have caused this&quot;. You are still providing them with the same concept to mull over, but in a manner that they can dismiss if they choose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are getting called a supporter of the opposition because you are being critical of the team they (and you) support. Whether it's constructive criticism or not, a lot of people do not want to hear it, and as the opposing side will inevitably have latched onto the same criticisms in one way or another, you will be lumped in with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking the question, you are not putting forth that it is the reason, or even putting forth anything at all, you're just going to them for their opinion on it - if they want to say &quot;no that's rubbish&quot;, they are able to do so without thinking they're getting into a debate with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By utilizing the socratic method and using questions to manipulate their thought processes, you will find you can help them to question things that they take for granted, without being seen as a provocateur or traitor to the cause. Of course, you need to handle this in a manner that isn't seen as being condescending, which is why I find it's best to genuinely be uncertain about these things, as that will naturally shine through - and we ultimately have no way of knowing for sure what caused the results, so it's the most honest position to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6950" LastActivityDate="2018-06-10T07:34:17.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15398" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15353" CreationDate="2018-06-10T09:09:06.090" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a UK legal environment, and my first email to someone I have never contacted before will start &quot;Mr Smith&quot;, &quot;Judge Jones&quot;, &quot;Mrs Patel&quot;, &quot;Ms le Blanc&quot; etc (i.e. title and surname), and will be ended with my standard signature &quot;Michael Harvey&quot;. If that individual signals willingness to drop formality by calling me &quot;Michael&quot; and signing off &quot;James Smith&quot; (or even &quot;Jim&quot;) I will do the same for subsequent messages. Some contacts may get to the stage of calling me &quot;Mike&quot;. I have had to train young new starters not to write &quot;Hi Judge&quot; at the beginning of a first email to someone. Some (mainly older) judges complain about this, some don't mind at all. The key is to let the other person guide you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18661" LastActivityDate="2018-06-10T09:09:06.090" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8994" CreationDate="2018-06-10T20:49:18.653" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simply telling her that you are not comfortable with it for the reason that you stated should be sufficient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you would like to elaborate to talk her out of this, there are more reasons for why this is a bad idea, for you, and her and her husband. If you get in to a relationship in the future, how will your girlfriend feel about you having a child out there with another woman? I don't know what the religious views of those involved are, but have they been considered? Unfortunately, in current Western culture the definition of sex is based on pleasure instead of contact or such. But not withstanding that definition, would you feel that it's all right to have sex with someone else's wife since her husband can't have child?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you agree with any of these reasons, maybe you could encourage them to adopt a child instead. So your response could be something along the lines of &quot;I'm concerned that this would a bad thing for your relationship. Maybe it would be better for you to adopt a child.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11683" LastActivityDate="2018-06-10T20:49:18.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15401" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15404" CreationDate="2018-06-11T00:23:50.650" Score="40" ViewCount="10569" Body="&lt;p&gt;When on a road trip it can be tiring to have to chat or talk the entire trip. I find long discussions draining and prefer to listen to music. It can also be distracting when you're driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was listening to a song the other day and the passenger&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; got upset when I said I didn't feel like talking and wanted to listen to the song. &quot;Well you don't want to hear what I have to say,&quot; which creates tension and further deteriorates the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's a good strategy to handle not wanting to talk much during a road trip?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;1. A relative of mine&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user57" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T04:42:45.533" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T01:20:56.370" Title="What's a good strategy to handle not wanting to talk much during a road trip?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;&lt;driving&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15401" CreationDate="2018-06-11T00:59:56.957" Score="4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;For Passengers&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fake sleeping is a go-to option for me when I'm stuck in the car with people for an extended period of time.  Just announce that you are not going to be as responsive as usual&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm going to try to sleep and listen to music for most of the trip because I'm tired&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and put in some headphones and close your eyes.  I find &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;sleeping&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; works well (for me at least) as nobody really wants to disturb someone while they're trying to rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;For Drivers&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reference the music you want to listen to and ask their opinion.  It gets them to stop talking and start listening to the music, with some relevant conversation after.  For maximum benefit, put on a long album or playlist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another good point brought up by Jesse's comment is to listen to a podcast because it is easier to actively listen while a story is being told, and it cuts down on chatter because the other passengers will be listening as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T01:59:00.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15401" CreationDate="2018-06-11T01:18:17.017" Score="19" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Your problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think one of your big issues here is a clash of expectations. Your friend likely envisioned the trip as a fun hangout where you would talk with each other to pass the time quickly while you clearly thought differently. In my experience, attempting to deal with this kind of expectation mismatch as it's happening can end in arguments and no one being happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;A solution&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way I've found to deal with this is to be straightforward and set the expectations before the event. A few days before the drive (or even better--when you're planning it!) bring up your preference with your friend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I know some people like to talk during the drive to pass the time, but I really prefer to listen to music and enjoy the views. I'm not saying we have to play the silent game, but I probably won't want to engage in conversation the whole time. Is that alright?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, what ever disagreement you had in the car when this happened to you, you can have &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; before you're in the situation when both of you are levelheaded and no one feels like their expectations are betrayed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A word of caution though: what you're asking for may not be alright. Be prepared for your friend to insist that without a conversation, they won't want to be in the car that long. At that point you need to decide if it's worth talking more to keep your trip--but at least you'll both go in fully prepared!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T01:24:27.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15404" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15401" CreationDate="2018-06-11T03:48:52.377" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;Road trips are awesome fun. I am also very much the introvert on road trips and love the solid blocks of &quot;zone-out&quot; time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like the type of situation that is just a preference. It is something that each of you can easily decide to do or not do during this trip without changing your whole life. It isn't like being forced to travel with a person who drives dangerously or who won't wear deodorant or who constantly tells stories about how great the other political party is, so neither of you is likely to be insulted or offended by the mention of the issue ... &lt;em&gt;if you communicate ahead of time.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Direct is best for those types: The most direct way to deal with this situation is to talk about it clearly ahead of time. Explain how you feel then ask the other person how they feel. Then compromise and be a thoughtful person. It sounds like a very common introvert vs. extrovert situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;While I enjoy spending the time on trips catching up and getting to know you better, I also &lt;strong&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; taking time on road trips to zone out to some music and just meditate quietly on my life. So if you see my grab my headphones during a part of the drive, don't take it as something about you or your conversation. This is just how I recharge, look over how my life is going, and think about the future. It is a great time for me to get my thoughts together so I can be more present during the times when we are talking.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eh, something like that. And as a hint, the start of a road trip and when some interesting landmark or cool situation is coming up are the times when chatty people are most likely to seek and enjoy the conversation. Start off the first bit of the trip talking and catching up, then take some zone-out time for a stretch. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you approach a stop or landmark, take off the headphones and strike up a conversation about it. The other person will love you for it ... not having to be the one starting all of the conversations after you just told them about how you like to zone out ... that is a thoughtful thing and they will appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the other person knows how you feel ... and sees that you are respecting how they feel by taking some non-headphone time ... it will smooth things out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Happy trails!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;And since you didn't mention if this is a friend or relationship partner, here is the &quot;relationship partner&quot; answer:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is your relationship partner, it is even way more important that this works out. Being able to communicate about these things clearly and find a solution together instead of going into the typical &quot;fix it myself mode&quot; is one of the keys to a great relationship and a habit to start early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if this is your partner, then this isn't a &quot;just a preference&quot; situation that I described at the start. This is the chance to show that you value their thoughts and want to share ideas and plans. If you ignore those, you will leave a mental &quot;crack in the windshield&quot; of your relationship that is hard to fix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just my 2 cents...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18633" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T18:53:09.020" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T18:53:09.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15401" CreationDate="2018-06-11T07:05:17.127" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Since you are driving, it's already enough to be a reason not to talk during the trip - safety reason&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I find one good way of rejecting request and not resulted in a tension situation, is to somehow make the &quot;faults&quot; on yourself. This is not to say  to be harsh or degrade yourself. &lt;strong&gt;It is somehow telling people that you acknowledge your &quot;weakness&quot; and you are doing something about it&lt;/strong&gt;. - &lt;em&gt;You may think it of like when answering an interview question of &quot;What is your strength and weakness?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This way is indirectly rejecting people by not letting them feel bad or rejected.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah guys, I am so sorry but as I am getting a bit of tired, I need to focus on the driving. Don't forget that your lives are at my mercy...!! The music will do good by keeping me in focus~ You guys go ahead with the conversation, and I will try to join in now and then, if I could!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If upon hearing you are tired and they decided to help by driving instead... then you may gladly swap role, and adapt to @TheRealLester's suggestion by going to sleep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, Friend A! Now I shall take a quick nap...! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, this may backfired as after the nap, it is assume that you should be able to resume the chit-chatting while driving. You may counter it may giving more excuses such that you are still feeling tired, but it should be fine for you to focusing on the road with the music on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting this scenario on me, and knowing myself, and especially when in a driving situation, I am not good at multi-tasking at all. So if you were like me, probably it can be something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah... as much as I would like to have a conversation with you on this long and dull route, but I am really bad at multi-tasking and won't be able to drive and talk at the same time. And I surely won't want to have any accident to happen on us...! So, let me be your chauffeur~ Sit back, relax and enjoy the music!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15749" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T07:05:17.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15406" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15409" CreationDate="2018-06-11T07:22:51.843" Score="6" ViewCount="928" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have a 2 year old son. From about 2 months after he was born, I somehow become almost exclusively responsible of the night time comforting of our son.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has now reached a point that whenever he is ill or just wakes up at night, he cries and asks for me. If my wife tries to confort him, he pushes her away and cries until I take and comfort him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I enjoy holding him but sometimes when he has several nights in a row when he wakes up, I find it very difficult to even just wake up and I would like to get some help from my wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have told her this issue but she says that it's my fault because I took him at night to comfort him even when it was not the case. I strongly disagree and I think it's just normal to comfort a crying baby at night. She also said that her back is sore and can't hold him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, on the occasions when she does pick him up at night, she always tries to explain to him that I'm not around, that he needs to stay with her. I think that if she just hummed or sing to him or just pat him to relax, he will eventually calm down. She doesn't want to hear any of this and brings him to me to hold him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;how can I engage my wife in comforting our son during night time, in such a way that we can then share this night time routine?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18548" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T07:34:57.003" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T13:30:33.120" Title="Engage wife in comforting son" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15407" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-11T08:46:34.760" Score="48" ViewCount="16592" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in middle school, and by my school's standards, I get fairly high marks (90%, maybe a bit above or below). However, my parents believe that I'm not doing my best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also undergoing exams, and my parents say that if I get below 96%, I'll be studying the whole two-weeks school holidays. After confronting my parents about it, they say they're doing '&lt;em&gt;what's best for me&lt;/em&gt;', even though I completely disagree. After trying to confront her other times, my mum says she doesn't want to discuss this matter again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how do I get my parents to believe me, and avoid doing study on my holiday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18714" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T12:16:03.817" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T23:34:35.083" Title="How do I convince my parents that I'm doing my best in class?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15408" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15407" CreationDate="2018-06-11T10:27:59.143" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;My best friend had something similar happen to her. Her mother wanted her to be the best. She pushed her to always study, get the best grades, get into the best university, graduate with honours, get a master degree etc. She pushed me too, but I was not her kid, so she did not have the same amount of influence on me. We are now 25. She has a master degree in biology, I dropped out of undergrad. I have a well-paying job as a software developer, she is currently in a training program to be re-educated to be a software developer too. In a year time, she'll end up in a job similar to mine, one that does not require a degree. Meanwhile, I have traveled to many countries before I started working, while she just studied. Just like you, my friend wanted to have fun. Talking to her mother proved difficult. Her mother believed that what she was doing was best for her daughter. My friend is better educated than me at the moment, but she is not very happy with the choices she ended up making. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While we never achieved as much freedom for her as I had, we managed to convince her mother to let go sometimes. We used arguments based on the same idea she had. Your mother wants &lt;strong&gt;what is best for you&lt;/strong&gt;. Your mission will be to convince her that the path she is sending you on is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; what is best for you&lt;/strong&gt;. You'll have to provide arguments why the path you want to take is &lt;strong&gt;better&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your main goal should be to make the choices that suit you. While the good grades will help you, social interactions and some free time will also help you grow. Figure out what you want to do in life (that's very difficult, but a general idea helps) and get your parents to help you on the path. If that is towards a career as a doctor or a lawyer, that requires different choices than when you actually want to be an artist. Or maybe you want to be a teacher in a primary school? Or a DJ in a club? Some of these choices don't require as high grades as others, but all of them require some kind of work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good grades may be the way for you to get what you want, or it may not be. Your parents currently seem to think that this is the only way for you to succeed. Your goal is to make them see you can succeed in other ways, but you will have to present your case to them carefully. They sound like the kind of people that would need a carefully thought out plan from you to be convinced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going forward will be difficult. You are obviously younger and less experienced than your parents, but you can use the words of people they deem more knowledgable than theirs. There are many articles on the internet explaining why this type of parenting, called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiger_parenting&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;tiger parenting&lt;/a&gt;, as Pyritie mentions in the comments, is bad, like &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/strict-parenting&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this one&lt;/a&gt;. There is even &lt;a href=&quot;http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-31072-001&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;a study&lt;/a&gt; about this type of parenting. I am sure you can find many more resources. Other types of articles you can use are the ones showing that higher grades do not neccessarily mean you will be happier. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will most likely want to bring this up in a calm moment, not shortly after they specifically told you to study, lest it seems like you are rebelling against their decision. Perhaps a good moment is when they are content or proud with what you have just done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to not accuse them or blame them, though! They want the same as you, after all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We used phrasings like this one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We've been studying for next week's exam all afternoon. We'd like to go to the movies tonight, to relax a bit from all this stress the studying is causing. Then we can study again tomorrow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found that focusing on the advantages and meeting in the middle is the best way to achieve (part of) what you want in situations like this. Phrases like this one will get you what you want in the short term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your school has one, speaking to the school psychologist or psychiatrist can be an option. This person can help mediate between you and your parents, keeping your actual best interests in mind. Those grades may not seem that important today, but you never know how important they will be in the future. It is important to figure out what you need right now, what you want in the future and what you can do to balance those out. That is a very difficult thing when you are your age, so don't be afraid to get help with this. Colin Young points out in the comments that you can find professional help through your G.P. This can help you get to what you need in the long term. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that what you want and what you need may not neccessarily be the same thing, but the same counts for what your parents think that you need. Preparing for your future is important, just like being a teen that is allowed to make their own mistakes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="12101" LastEditDate="2018-06-12T06:34:31.367" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T06:34:31.367" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15406" CreationDate="2018-06-11T10:37:11.933" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question does sort of cross over into parenting issues, although there is a clear interpersonal aspect of how to approach your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you need to figure out &lt;strong&gt;what&lt;/strong&gt; you actually need to talk about. Regarding the parenting, you mention that she may blame you for your child needing attention during the night in the first place. This suggests that she believes your child &lt;em&gt;shouldn't&lt;/em&gt; need attention during the night, and that you ought to be using some method like &quot;controlled crying&quot; to get him into a routine of sleeping through. This &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; the right site to discuss the pros and cons of that, but certainly &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; parents need to be following the same &quot;parenting style&quot;, because whatever approach you choose as a couple will only work if you are &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; consistent in your approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other thing you should think about before you approach any discussion is how your wife may view a &quot;fair&quot; share of parenting. Who looks after your son during the day? She may hold the view that if she cares for him during the day while you work, for example, that you should look after him during the night. Of course, if you are working or otherwise occupied during the day then the alternative view is that you need to sleep in order to work! Try and see it from her point of view so that any discussion is balanced. If you see only your own point of view then you may just sound selfish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The aim of your discussion should be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To agree on a parenting style/routine that you will both stick to&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To discuss a fair share of night-time parenting based on you both getting a reasonable amount of sleep.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get your son sleeping through the night!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps begin by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We do need to talk about [son] sleeping through the night. What do &lt;em&gt;we&lt;/em&gt; need to do to get him sleeping through?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See what your wife's opinions are. It does seem that she already subscribes at least to the &lt;em&gt;idea&lt;/em&gt; of not giving him attention in order to teach him to comfort himself. But is she already putting that into practice? Did she give up because you picked him up when he cried?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Avoid blaming&lt;/em&gt; each other, but focus on moving forward - what do you &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; have to do &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt; to work together and correct this before it is too late*?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(*most parent-led methodologies involve teaching children to comfort themselves during daytime naps - for example making them nap in the bed they sleep in at night, letting them cry for a time, and if they don't stop crying only comforting them silently by gently putting a hand on them for example, never picking them up. At 2 years old you will have the difficulty that he will probably be standing up in his cot/bed already - but don't give up! There are books out there that help with all situations at all ages! And see the Parenting SE site for further discussions!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T13:30:33.120" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T13:30:33.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15410" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15353" CreationDate="2018-06-11T10:54:36.167" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a hospital environment in the UK so frequently have email correspondence with persons with titles such as Doctor, or &quot;Mr&quot; (which denotes a consultant, senior to a doctor).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There does not seem to be a &quot;rule&quot; but I have developed a code of my own in this aspect. In a professional work environment I will always address a doctor as &quot;Doctor&quot; in spoken and written correspondence as long as the correspondence seems formal/work-related.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't trust email signatures as an indication of how someone wishes to be addressed because they can be preset, or even written in a hurry. I have also noted that some doctors use their first names to distinguish themselves from another doctor with the same surname, so again this doesn't indicate they want you to call them this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, and I may be opening up a can of worms here, you should remember that it may not be &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; culture dictating what a person may want to be called, but &lt;em&gt;their own&lt;/em&gt;. Again, from my experience, I may be in the UK but many of the doctors I mentioned are from overseas, and interestingly the majority of those who have invited me to call them by a particular name are not UK born. Another reason to avoid any hard and fast rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you are concerned about it, the best course of action is to keep it formal. In my experience, this does not hinder the development of any professional relationships. If anything, it can build one of &lt;em&gt;mutual respect&lt;/em&gt;. For example - when I was at school (again, in the UK) we all referred to our male teachers as &quot;sir&quot;. Now, aged 42, I often see one of my old teachers in my town who always stops me to chat. He is friendly, asks about my family, asks about my work, and I would go as far as to say we have a friendship of sorts - but I still call him &quot;sir&quot;, and he has never corrected me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T11:09:45.757" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T11:09:45.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15411" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15412" CreationDate="2018-06-11T11:51:34.930" Score="18" ViewCount="3064" Body="&lt;p&gt;My teamleader and I struggle to communicate sometimes. One day a week I'm allowed to work from home so we communicate via Slack or Skype calls. We speak the same native language but there's a 30 year age gap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we talk in real life it doesn't always go well, but with a lot of pointing and showing examples she will understand what I mean. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Through slack however I found that conversations like this keep happening:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: I can't find X in invision?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: I'll have a look for you, one moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: We also need Y in a separate project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Y is already in it's own project, here is the link. &lt;em&gt;URL&lt;/em&gt; - And I just uploaded X again and you can find it here: &lt;em&gt;URL&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is followed by at least an hour of silence, to get this as a reply (mind you that our history is not cleared)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: Where is X in invision?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: You can find it through the link I just shared or in the A project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another hour of silence followed by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: Did you put Y in a separate project yet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried emailing as well but that only seems to cause more confusion as she will send out multiple separate emails about the same thing that I then all have to reply to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I start the conversation with her about how badly our communication is going without sounding like I'm just nagging to her about things going wrong? Should I propose a solution or should I let us come to that together? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="2478" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T23:17:24.973" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T07:29:22.073" Title="How to discuss bad communication with team leader?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15412" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15411" CreationDate="2018-06-11T12:33:47.343" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in similar situations in the past. When there's a communication problem, this tends to be very frustrating for both parties: you're not getting your thoughts across, and the other person is frustrated that it's taking them so long to get their information. It's easy to get lost in your own side of the argument, since to you, it seems like you're crystal clear in your communication, how could it be misunderstood?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick is, that whether or not you're right is irrelevant. Your goal is to work together with this person. This means that you need to communicate in such a way that they understand the message you're sending. So, start your conversation from that point of view, taking care to use a neutral tone without any hints of sarcasm:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey X, can I get some advice from you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm having trouble finding a way to convey things to you in the right way. Last [day I was working from home] for instance, you wanted to know about two things. After I thought I had answered, you later asked the same question again, which leads me to think that I hadn't succeeded in properly conveying the information to you. Here in the history, you can see the format I used to try to answer. It seems apparent that I'm not wording this right; how can I word this in a way that makes sense to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the case is truly as you describe, the answer will hopefully be some awkward shuffling on the part of the other person, followed by a concession to be more careful when reading your replies in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is a good chance that you will be surprised at the answer. If there is an actual improvement to be made, the other person should be able to suggest a way for you to send the information in such a way that they can easily understand it. As the sender of the information, you already know it, so it's easy for you to read your answer and get the information from it. This may not be equally simple for the other party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, you've taken a constructive approach to the issue and you're not blaming anyone. If the other person suggests a new way to communicate and it's still not working, follow the same routine: raise the issue in a neutral way and look for a solution together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may seem like an injustice when in a situation like this, you have to put in all this effort when you were being perfectly clear in the first place. While that is true to an extent, in life in general but especially in the professional world, it always pays to be the 'bigger person'. Your life will be much easier if you're using this sort of methods to solve your problems because you'll get a reputation of being easy to get along with and easy to work with. Especially in the corporate world, competence is not always the most important aspect that decides one's career path. I've seen relatively incompetent people get raises and promotions over others, simply because they're easier to work with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T07:29:22.073" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15407" CreationDate="2018-06-11T12:55:40.880" Score="11" Body="&lt;h1&gt;A larger issue than it seems!&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sound like you are approaching an issue, that is larger than how to avoid spending the entire vacation studying!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Communicate and touch upon expectations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise you to think thoroughly about what kind of future you see yourself in. - What kind of daily life, you would like to live? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, sit down and have a serious yet calm talk with your parents about their expectations for your own future, what is their goal with your education and why are they pushing you so hard?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would they accept your future career choices, if you e.g. wanted to manage a super-market? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do they expect you to finish with a degree at a university?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is important, as some parents may think that a high education brings a better life, well if &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; can't use all this in your future job, or if you work with something you don't thrive with in the future, high grades won't bring you &lt;strong&gt;any happiness!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you, on the other hand, do want to become something like a renowned professor or perhaps a chief physician, then yes - extreme amounts of study is needed, and thus high grades can &lt;strong&gt;help&lt;/strong&gt; you achieve this goal, although no guaranties!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Psycological development&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you actually reach young adulthood, your brain keeps developing - especially during your teenage years, you will experience that you put yourself into a social context - which is really hard for most people. This means that social skills and interaction are important factors for a normal humans development, it is thus important that you don't get isolated from your friends. By the end of the day, grades doesn't account to many things, compared to your psychological and social development in early childhood and young adulthood!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Summarized&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you take your time and prepare your thoughts, and then sit down calmly with your parents to share these thoughts, this would properly help both of you. You show your parents that you actually put careful thoughts into your own future, while they get to share their thoughts whether they could accept you being happy in any type of job, &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; want to work with in the future - &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;regardless of degree, salary and career.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to remind them, that grades are not necessarily the only measurement of success in school, your thriving and social development is an equally important part, and could just as well affect your future life choices!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all this being said, remember again that top grades can be used in &lt;em&gt;one context only:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;to enable easier access for future educations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;that's it!!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have no clues whether you want to go to a university or not, you should properly continue to get good grades so you have the freedom of choice in the future, but this does not justify you skipping your entire youthful social development! In the future, if you do want to go to the university, the most important work to be done not middle/high school, it is at the university, this is where you should skip vacations when performing &lt;em&gt;at average&lt;/em&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18636" LastEditorUserId="18636" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T13:41:23.100" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T13:41:23.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15348" CreationDate="2018-06-11T14:15:41.197" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also enjoy political discussions, but I prefer to maintain a reputation as a  neutral centrist. And while I do hold strong opinions on some matters, I prefer to not out myself as any specific political direction in casual conversations, because that would just generate animosity with people I would prefer to stay on friendly terms with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I made the experience that the best way to do this is by not phrasing arguments as your own but as arguments from a political strawman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other person:&lt;/strong&gt; The widget tax is too high.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Maybe it is. But the position of the XYZ party on this matter is of course that it should be even higher because [...].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other person:&lt;/strong&gt; Those XYZ people don't know what they are talking about. That's wrong because [...] and even if it were true, that would be irrelevant because [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; That might be true. When you say that to an XYZ sympatizer, they will usually say [...].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other person:&lt;/strong&gt; Don't they see that this is a textbook case of [logical fallacy]? And besides, there is also this argument: [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I would be careful with using that argument in a discussion with an XYZist, because they could easily counter it by pointing out [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this will address your concerns, because it allows you to bring counter-arguments into the discussion without signaling whether you agree or disagree with the strawman you are attributing these arguments to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1943" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T21:58:19.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15417" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-11T14:40:15.963" Score="2" ViewCount="407" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my friends, a woman of about thirty, is trapped with a &quot;player&quot; in her workplace. Some context: The country is Iran, in their room they are 5 people and one guy is playing &quot;catch and run&quot; with her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He tries to be emotionally engaged with her, and insists so much that she gives in. Then right at that moment, he pretends that nothing special is between them. Then he approaches again, and when she shows no interest, he tries new actions like chatting with another female coworker and laughing loudly, texting her etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the moment, she admits she is emotionally engaged in this game, but she is willing to exit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I know this kind of play, and my suggestion is to get out of it immediately, but what if she has to continue working with him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a name for this kind of action? How can she deal with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3828" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T14:40:15.963" Title="How to avoid being played by a coworker?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-06-11T15:24:46.683" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15411" CreationDate="2018-06-11T14:42:51.180" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I start the conversation with her about how badly our communication is going without sounding like I'm just nagging to her about things going wrong? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, if you do this, do it in person. There she can't misinfer your tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid sounding nagging, make it about you and how you need to change.  Also mean it.  If you're thinking negative thoughts about her that will come out.  You didn't sound like you were, but I thought it was worth mentioning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Recently we had a conversation online. I answered your question.  You asked again.  What am I doing wrong?  What do I need to do differently so that I answer your question the first time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I propose a solution or should I let us come to that together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second.  Ask a question like above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I tried emailing as well&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When email or IM fails one time, you should switch to in person or phone.  I believe some people don't do written as effectively as verbal.  Additionally I find some people just don't listen to me.  I find if they're older they're much more likely to not listen to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On that note I've found my relationship with people dictates how well they listen to me, even if they're older.  So, out of genuine interest for her well-being, perhaps pursue a friendship?  At least show your interest in her life.  That should help her listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When we talk in real life it doesn't always go well, but with a lot of pointing and showing examples she will understand what I mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might not apply: Sounds like when there's miscommunication you do a lot of talking to overcompensate and it works.  Do you also do a lot of listening?  Sometimes it's quicker for you to ask her questions, learn what she thinks and then adjust your explanation to her vocabulary, rather than just a long-winded explanation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she will send out multiple separate emails about the same thing that I then all have to reply to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feel free to respond to those in person or all at once.  If she's not on top of her IM and email she probably doesn't expect replies to be in separate threads.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T14:42:51.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15422" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-11T15:07:29.383" Score="17" ViewCount="10390" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I had a few friends come over to play a board game.  At one point, one of them went to the bathroom, which was near the area in which we were playing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After about 5 minutes (which would indicate he was defecating and not just urinating), I heard the toilet flush, and then &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt; the door opened and he came out.  The fact that the door opened immediately after the flush would indicate that he did not wash his hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a person who likes to keep things clean, so I was irked by that.  I didn't say anything though, as I was rather dumbfounded.  There are actually people who don't wash their hands after defecating?  Apparently so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what could I say or do next time to try to ensure that everyone washes their hands when they go to the bathroom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="394" LastActivityDate="2020-01-21T18:43:24.963" Title="How can I tactfully ask someone to wash their hands when going to the bathroom?" Tags="&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15422" CreationDate="2018-06-11T15:45:26.123" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I worked in kitchens the policy was to wash your hands when returning to the line (kitchen). This removed any question or doubt about whether hands had been washed because people could see you at the hand sink upon your return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the layout of your place you could pretty easily set up a similar policy, without even making it sound like a rule. When someone leaves the table to use the bathroom, just say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, hey, there's hand soap at the kitchen sink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This of course depends on whether your kitchen is visible or otherwise obvious from your game table, but even if it isn't the hint/reminder that handwashing is important will probably do the trick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option, depending on the type of games you play, is to play Comic Book Guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/g99gs.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;A Simson character using a glove to put a comic book into a plastic bag&quot;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically give people the impression that they're playing with collectables and insist that they wash their hands in order to maintain the value of the game pieces. Note the gloved hand and the mylar bag... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I'd go with the first approach over the second,  people tend to get annoyed with Comic Book Guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-19T18:49:52.803" LastActivityDate="2019-01-19T18:49:52.803" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15407" CreationDate="2018-06-11T16:09:10.773" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Similar Experience:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I was there too. Growing up, my parents were disappointed if it was &quot;only an A- and not an A+&quot;. My dad was laying out my life for me around middle school/early high school too. &quot;By this age, you should be making this, by this age you should be married with this&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the few friends I had would invite me to the movies on a Friday night like most kids, I had to stay home to do homework because I was not allowed to do homework on Sunday for &quot;family day&quot; (which really amounted to us just sitting down watching tv....). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I graduated High school in all AP classes and with honors. Soon as I got to college though, the taste of freedom and having my own choice impacted me negatively. I choose not to do homework most nights, sometimes I didn't even bother to show up to class. I ultimately ended up failing out of Engineering school because I let the college party life and the freedom of choice impact my future too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, I found a degree in software development which I graduated summa cum laude, and currently employed as a web developer. It took me making the personal choice to decide that enough was enough of ruining my life. I am still impacted though by my parents being very strict as my laziness is still very abundant now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reflections on the past and what you can try to do differently:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I struggled to explain to my parents that an A- or an A is still good as they didn't want to hear it. Even when comparing yourself to the class, they would always tell me not to compare myself to others as I need to worry about myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand the sentiment. if your parents were like mine (who didn't get good grades), they are overcompensating for their past to make sure you have a better future. If they won't listen to your words, I would suggest trying to find supporting factual information about the adverse effect being too strict can have on a child's development. Now, it's not some (in their eyes) mere child that does not know better but rather a scientific study shown to back up your claim. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that won't work, I would suggest bringing in a teacher/school counselor to have a talk with you and your folks. Just like youth sports now promote parents to relax as they are not professionals, the same principles should apply to education and grades. Lastly, if you feel that a school representative will not help, I would suggest a family therapist if it needs to go to that level. Family therapy is a great way to provide a safe environment for everyone to get their thoughts out without being judged or talked over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried school counselors and therapists each, and they both have their upsides and drawbacks. With school counselors though, they are at least well versed in the education world and can hopefully help your parents to relax more!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T16:09:10.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15426" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15349" CreationDate="2018-06-11T16:20:58.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I talked with my friend about this following something similar to what @sphenning suggested. I brought up that the situation was becoming stressful for me and explained why it was important for me to stop freelancing. He informed me he didn't realize he was doing this. We decided to discuss what work would fall under the kind I want to refrain from doing to clarify where the boundary lies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know there were questions asked about this so I thought I'd give some answers here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Also, can you mention how you and in particular your new employer differentiates between freelancing and non-freelancing? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They(The company who hired me, whom I'll call Company A) are fine with me free-lancing if I am not doing freelance work similar to what Company A provides to their clients. For example, if Company A is a company specializing in making websites for other businesses, I would be able to do anything besides that. If I wanted to make a web applications or mobile applications for businesses, it would be allowed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The non-freelancing work I mentioned are not for clients. They're software we have created for ourselves originally just out of our personal interest. Since we aren't creating them for a client, rather we'll be just getting financed from investors for exchanged partial ownership, it would not go against the company's non-compete agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Can you explain how your friend reacted when you first established this boundary?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I mentioned to him about Company A's non-compete agreement upon getting a job offer, he suggested I step away from free-lancing so I can work for Company A. He and I discussed what this change in focus for our software business would mean, and modified our goals and plan to accommodate my new job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9369" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T16:20:58.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15411" CreationDate="2018-06-11T16:56:28.893" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you getting the sense that she is growing frustrated that she feels (apparently wrongly) that you haven't answered her questions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or is she apparently quite neutral on this, and just seems to work better asking for things over and over?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the latter, then I'd recommend you just try to go with it. Every time she asks, just calmly and pleasantly give the (same) best answer. It may be that she's overloaded, and balancing many priorities, and just isn't mustering the short-term recollection that she's asking for the same thing over and over. In the long run she will appreciate your co-operation, and your readiness with clear answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I've already told you that&quot; or &quot;it's in the last exchange we had&quot; are accusatory and not helpful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're getting the sense that she doesn't think you're communicating well, then for sure sit down with her and talk about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1687" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T16:56:28.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15401" CreationDate="2018-06-11T16:57:09.647" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Already a lot of good answers here, but I thought I'll add my personal strategy to not upset people, while communicating your preferences: &lt;strong&gt;Dress it up as a compliment.&lt;/strong&gt; For example; you have such a good connection to your companion, which actually allows you two to be silent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a simple two step approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;State your preference to not talk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Turn it into something positive and not about your lack of interest in the other person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example phrasing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You surely already observed, that I'm more off an introvert person don't you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like to talk all the time - to be honest most times I prefer a little bit of silence while on a road trip, but that often feels somewhat awkward, too. You surely know what I'm talking about? I must say, I'm glad we get along together that well, that it doesn't feel awkward with you. I don't have that with a lot of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As with all IPS answers - your mileage will vary - but the above approach always worked for me in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2182" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T16:57:09.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15407" CreationDate="2018-06-11T18:13:57.830" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;(Disclosure up front: I am both a parent and a teacher)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, how do I get my parents to believe me, and avoid doing study on my holiday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure you can do both at the same time. Maybe you should sacrifice the holiday for a longer-term benefit of having your parents believe you that you're doing as well as you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with trying to convince your parents in the current situation is that they will always be suspicious that you just want to get out of doing work. They seem to believe that you're not studying enough and that by studying more, you'll get a higher percentage on your tests. Now either they are right (in which case you're not really doing your best - you could do better...) or they're wrong (meaning that you can't get better grades by doing more work, and having to work during your holidays would therefore be pointless). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my suggestion would be to do the best you can on your exams. Either you make the 96% percent, or you don't. If you don't make it, tell your parents that you don't think you can improve on your scores by studying more, but that you'll try really hard. And then make sure they &lt;em&gt;see&lt;/em&gt; you trying real hard. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when your next few tests don't show any improvement, you will be in a much better position to argue your case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a teacher's perspective, I'd be very happy with students reaching a reliable 90% test scores. This is why I think you won't be able to convince your parents without providing proof (or at least very strong indicators) that you're already doing the best you can. Expecting children/young teens (I'm assuming you're somewhere in the 12-15 age bracket) to consistently reach 96% scores seems excessive to me, and if your parents expect you to deliver such scores, good interpersonal skills might not be enough to convince them that you're incapable of doing so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After confronting my parents about it, they say they're doing 'what's best for me', even though I completely disagree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've showed them that you tried very hard to do what they want, but it wasn't working out, they might be more open to a discussion about what you think is best for you. When they do let you discuss it with you, make sure you're not resorting to &quot;I told you so&quot; arguments, but rather have positive messages of what's important to you, and why it's not about shirking school work but rather about reallocating time to spend more on what you think is important to you. The older you get, the more say your parents should give you in this, because they also need to prepare you to live as a responsible adult, and the most effective way to do that is to  give you more and more control over your life the closer you get to adulthood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18732" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T18:13:57.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15407" CreationDate="2018-06-11T18:17:19.003" Score="-9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're going to have a mostly uphill battle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two main reasons for this, and I hope that explaining them, you will see a path to get what you want, though it will not be easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first problem is that your parents are right. Doesn't matter if you think they are, or I think they are. As your parents, they are right to push you to excel. From the time you were born until they die, they will always push for you and want for you, what they think is best. As you get older you get more of a say in that (how much depends on culture, of course) but one thing will never change. They are right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second issue is that when you lobby to do less work, your automatically going to come off as lazy, uninterested, spoiled, or some such negative adjective. Doesn't mean it's true, but there is no way, ever, parents or other people to advocate doing less, and not come off like your trying to avoid hardship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, what that does give you is a little bit of wiggle room if you can figure out what it is you want, and what your parents want. It also can have a lot to do with if you have burnt your bridges yet as a teen, and what worked for your grandparents and parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, acknowledge that their goal is reasonable and valid. You may not like it, but you can achieve it. If you can not, then perhaps you should be studying over the holiday (more on this later) though perhaps the method of study should change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, acknowledge that their &amp;quot;penalty&amp;quot; is reasonable and valid. Again, you don't have to like it, but there is nothing wrong with what they are saying or doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, address their larger goal, and validate it. &amp;quot;I know you want me to do well in life, and that's why you're being hard on me.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourth, use the larger goal to accept and modify the current smaller goal and the penalty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An example&lt;/strong&gt; -- Make sure to modify it for your situation and not just read it off to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom, Dad, I understand that you want me to do well in the exams. I agree that if I work hard and study that I should be able to get a 96% or better on those exams. And I understand that if I don't you want me to study over the holiday. I do understand that you are trying to do what is best for me, to set me up for a good, well-educated life. However, there are a few things that I would like to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I agree that 96% is a good overall goal, I am better in some subjects then I am in others. Is it possible that we could use that 96% as an average instead of on every test? I will still do my best, but I would like to reduce the stress of having to worry about ruining my holiday by getting a 95% in math, just because I am not as good in it as I am in English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also understand that if I fail to get a 96% that you want me to study over the holiday. I am going to try as hard as I can, but if I fail to get a 96%, then instead of studying over the holiday, can we discuss getting a tutor or other ways I can focus more on that class. To be honest, if I get a 94% it's not because I'm not trying, so maybe I just need additional help in that subject.  Maybe we can use some time this holiday to find a tutor should I need one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, while I know you are well-intentioned, the school holidays are supposed to be a time for me to relax and unwind, as well as work on my social skills with my peers. To be successful in life I need both a good education and a good set of social skills, one is of no use without the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, I know what you are trying to do by pushing me to succeed, but it's having the opposite effect. Whenever I go to study, instead of focusing on the subject I focus on how I am going to screw up my holiday. I understand your rules, but I need help with this.  I can't focus. Can you just reassure me that no matter what happens, that we will still get to have some fun this holiday? That would go a long way towards helping me reduce my stress level a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T18:36:02.407" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15431" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-11T18:44:06.937" Score="2" ViewCount="279" Body="&lt;p&gt;My teenage son has sent out an e-vite (online invitation service) for his birthday party at a one of those bowling/laser tag/multi-activity places.  He’s extremely excited about the event, but concerned he’s only received 12/25 responses, and wants to send an e-vite reminder message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it may be too soon to send a reminder, but I don’t know much about party etiquette.  My question is, whats the appropriate time to wait before re-sending an RSVP request for an event, especially a birthday like this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case it’s helpful, some details are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Original electronic invitation was sent about 3 1/2 days ago&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Precisely, it was sent on a Friday at 10:30pm, and it’s now 1:30pm the following Monday.  (i know, a little late at night)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The party starts in 4 days, at 6:30pm&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Response rate is ~50% so far, 12/25.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did I mention he’s excited and would love to have as many guests as possible?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any advice or rule of thumb would be appreciated.  And sure, I can probably get you an invite if you’ll be in Dallas, in case you were wondering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are no logistical limitations to how many people will attend so it’s more wanting to maximize attendance rather than any functional requirement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9677" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T23:01:16.293" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T23:01:16.293" Title="Appropriate wait time before re-sending RSVP request?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;teenagers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-06-12T05:40:55.543" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15431" CreationDate="2018-06-11T19:04:22.920" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I haven't seen too much of a protocol regarding this.  In looking at the question, the potential participants have been given 2 days to respond, which may involve arranging rides, clearing with parents, or other logistical challenges.  I know that with my kids, it was never as easy as &quot;sure!&quot;; we needed to ensure that someone would be available and we may have needed to clear other commitments.  If he really wants to ensure that people respond, given the short time frame, a reminder is not out of the question and doing so now is certainly appropriate.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there's someone that your son really wants there, sending an electronic communication when one hasn't been responded to already is kind of a lack of interpersonal skill.  If there's someone he &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; wants there, I'd suggest switching media.  Send a text.  Call.  Talk to them at school or wherever he sees them.  In short: do something different to make sure that the message is seen.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-06-11T19:40:41.103" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T19:40:41.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15435" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15349" CreationDate="2018-06-11T19:28:03.427" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You and your friend are obviously intelligent and good communicators. You both graduated from college and moved forward swiftly and successfully on your entrepreneurial partnership. Plus, you call your partner &quot;friend&quot; and obviously have no issues with working together in some capacity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the problem isn't that you don't understand each other. The problem isn't that one of you is trying to get out of a deal. The problem isn't that you don't care about each other as friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that your partner has a habit of depending on you to come through no matter what. You are a dependable person. You are his friend. You want to help. You get a reward from being the dependable one. You developed a &quot;partnership&quot; for a reason. It is a business &lt;em&gt;relationship&lt;/em&gt; ... but the &lt;em&gt;relationship&lt;/em&gt; part is what made it work so well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to decide if you want to keep your new job. If so, then you have to maintain your boundaries. To maintain &lt;strong&gt;YOUR&lt;/strong&gt; boundaries, you don't wait for someone else to respect them. &lt;em&gt;People respect them when you defend them.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to go out for coffee or find some other uninterrupted time to talk. You are obviously friends, so informal language might get the point across. Be clear, say it, and ... don't say it anymore. The rest is up to you, not him. &lt;em&gt;Again, it is up to you to maintain your boundaries.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how you talk with your close friends, but I might imagine one of these:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You are #%&amp;amp;ing my %&amp;amp;#* up! I'm going to get %&amp;amp;#*#ing fired from my job if they think I am going against the non-competition clause of my contract. Do you get what this means to me? This has been my goal since I started college!! I can't let this happen so ...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, maybe that is a bit over the top. But you have to be &lt;strong&gt;CLEAR&lt;/strong&gt; and then &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; have to maintain that boundary. Your friend cannot possibly &lt;strong&gt;MAKE&lt;/strong&gt; you do work or attend meetings regarding your previous freelancing projects ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he invites you to a meeting and the subject of freelance projects comes up, stand up and walk out, leave the building, head to a coffee shop or something, and go relax. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if a phone conversation leads to freelance work, interrupt and say, &quot;It sounds like you are busy with your work. I don't want to distract you from getting done what you need done. Give me a call when you have more time.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if a conversation in person leads to freelance work, take a look at your phone and say, &quot;wow, you sound busy. I have work of my own to do. I'll call you later.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You get the idea ... you are friends. I get it. It would be easy to suggest that you just have your freelance conversations in private and keep it a secret, but integrity is a valuable commodity and I wouldn't trade it away for a bit of money. It can be hard to break habits, especially from college, of depending on each other for certain things. Do it even if it is hard ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just my 2 cents ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18633" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T19:28:03.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15407" CreationDate="2018-06-11T20:13:00.657" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had this discussion with my sons (France).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told them that if they constantly get above 16/20 (the scale of marks is 0-20 in France) then I will let them live their life because it is &quot;good enough&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told them that this &quot;good enough&quot; is something which will let them have &quot;good enough&quot; choices and presented them some evidence (one usually needs to get such and such average to get to a particular school, which then has such and such results). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I tried to rationalize my choice - below 16 I yell, above 16 I tell them &quot;good enough&quot; (with the vison of a &quot;good enough&quot; life later - planned for the 70 years to come :)). And 20/20 as a target: school is not high jump (where you miss a height you aim at) but long jump (the farther you jump the better, so aim at 70 meters to get to 8).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would recommend to have the same rational discussion.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you would come to me as a parent telling me that you have in average 18/20 (the 90% you mentioned), and that this will&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;allow you to get to the right school (bring statistical evidence) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;and allow you to have a normal life where you do something outside school,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then I would &lt;strong&gt;somehow reluctantly&lt;/strong&gt; agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why somehow reluctantly? Because plenty of parents (such as me) think that their children can do better and that anything which is not school work is a loss (I do not agree with the last part).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good ones also realize that one must set some kind of limit to their ambition, especially when they did not excel themselves (I was at the same school as my children and unfortunately for them I was brilliant so they cannot really use this argument).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In one word: try to calm your parents, they are probably overstressed with your school results - one day seeing you as a brilliant engineer and the other one as a homeless hobo who missed a test.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T20:13:00.657" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15431" CreationDate="2018-06-11T20:32:46.300" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to assume that most of the other people invited are classmates or people he contacts on a daily basis. The issue with (what I assume is a Facebook event group) is that not everyone gets notifications for them. I know in the past, I have been invited to several parties or get-togethers. On the night of the event, I get a text &quot;yo do you need a ride?&quot; and here I am sitting confused about what they are talking about only to find out I missed an event invite sent through Facebook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that he sent out the invites, it would be best if he also made his rounds to them in person or send out text messages. Ask them in person if they are going and then also inform them of the electronic invite and if they can RSVP there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, he knows for sure that everyone that was invited also was personally talked to. It makes it easier for all involved that way too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the e-invite is not sent through Facebook, it's also possible G-mail and other mail systems marked it as spam and was sent directly to the junk mail. So again, the best bet is to personally contact everyone whether by phone or by face to face and ask if they are going but to also inform of the electronic invite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T20:32:46.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15439" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15440" CreationDate="2018-06-11T22:00:55.053" Score="36" ViewCount="12792" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I volunteer as an apartment group leader at my apartment complex. Every Monday, I'm in charge of organizing an activity (up to $20) for my fellow roommates and neighbors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, we had an ice-cream social (get to know the new people at the apartments). We ran out of ice-cream for people who arrived later, after everyone had finished eating and started mingling. Portion sizes weren't regulated, so most people probably took seconds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these situations (where I'm given a limited budget and resources), how should I handle guests who arrive late and miss out on whatever was being offered to those who arrived on time/earlier? I don't know what to do or tell them - after all, I want them to come the next time something is organised. I need to make them aware, in a nice way, it's their own fault they didn't get anything and if they want what we had they need to arrive earlier the next time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me know if I need to get more specific.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17668" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-08-29T09:26:54.817" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T09:26:54.817" Title="How to inform guests when you don't have enough food for everyone?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-08-29T00:28:15.603" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15439" CreationDate="2018-06-11T22:21:25.710" Score="88" Body="&lt;p&gt;What about &quot;sorry, but we ran out of ice cream&quot;? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fact is, these people would have wanted ice cream, and there wasn't any. You can't pretend there is ice cream. You can only tell them the truth, apologise, but not accept complaints because the limited budget is not your fault (or possibly anyone's fault).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only alternative if there is some decent shop nearby that sells ice cream is trying to get a spontaneous money collection and then someone goes out and buys more ice cream. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T22:21:25.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15441" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15439" CreationDate="2018-06-11T22:39:33.640" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;To piggyback off of Gnasher's point, limited budgets do suck, but that also does not mean you are limited to strictly the budget! &quot;sorry we have run out&quot; is certainly a great way to respond. You can also mention to the group who has gathered:&#xA;&quot;Hey guys! Quick announcement here.  We are about to run out of ice cream. I have spent the budget given to me to purchase more, but is anyone willing to throw in a dollar each so we can go buy more?&quot;.  I have found in my experience of having parties and get-togethers that people are generally willing to throw in an extra buck to restock on the party goods.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can also help keep the party going if you wish for them to go later! I have also found that people tend to leave once the food/drinks have gone as well, so asking people to pitch in a dollar might help to re-energize the social.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T22:39:33.640" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15431" CreationDate="2018-06-11T22:57:24.313" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have a legitimate need for RSVPs, such as needing to know how large of a reservation to make, then it is appropriate to send out a reminder mentioning this constraint and asking for potential guests to help you know how many people to plan for. But if you're using the RSVP request just to remind people of the event, that's inappropriate. You could, however, send out invitations through a different medium, such as Facebook. For such invitations, there is no need for a minimum wait time, and in fact sending both at the same time probably would have been better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, one week is a bit too short for sending out the original invitations if you really need RSVPs. You should wait at least several days if not a week before sending out reminders, then you'll need to leave several more days to a week to get responses, plus you'll presumably need the responses some time before the actual event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastActivityDate="2018-06-11T22:57:24.313" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15444" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-12T00:30:47.273" Score="4" ViewCount="613" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend of 9 months has nearly crippling anxiety, which has gone untreated until the middle of last year. She started taking a new medication a few months ago, and it doesn't seem to be working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She started having panic attacks, which she never had previously, and she is far more moody and lethargic than she once was. She meets with a psychiatrist for regular check-ups so that she can continue her prescription, but refuses to tell them about the panic attacks, and claims that the new medication is helping her, even though there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary -- including her own words that she is &quot;feels worse than before.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried bringing it up gently, asking how things are feeling and trying to politely point out evidence that I see of the medication affecting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know whether or how to bring this up in a way that will not make her mad, but I feel that I have a responsibility to do something since she seems unable to objectively assess whether or not the medication is helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18744" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T14:24:45.757" Title="How can I tell my girlfriend to deal with her anxiety?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-06-12T03:15:47.327" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15401" CreationDate="2018-06-12T01:20:56.370" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they wont let you just listen to music and you feel you have to talk here's a good bit of advice I read on another thread on here recently, to quote: &quot;He who asks the question controls the conversation.&quot; If you cant get out of talking to them ask them questions so they have to do most of the talking and you can just sort of zone out while they drone on, then you feed with little follow up questions. Eventually they'll be all talked out and feel like they want a break themselves. Another approach would be to get an audio CD of a classic comedy series or something like that to listen to so you can have a laugh and that will take the focus off of you not talking. Another approach would be to play &quot;I spy with my little eye&quot; and then choose something obscure so they give up in a huff. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18121" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T01:20:56.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15444" CreationDate="2018-06-12T02:36:06.373" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Summary: Ask questions to learn her beliefs. Then reason from within her beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have tried bringing it up gently, asking how things are feeling and trying to politely point out evidence that I see of the medication affecting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I try to convince people of things. Sometimes I start with some reasoning (A therefore B).  That's rarely effective.  Instead, here's what I find effective: starting from what they already believe.  To find out what they believe, I ask questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case ask: Do you think your medication has made things worse? Yes -&gt; Do you think it would be a good idea to change your medication? No -&gt; rather than state the evidence ask questions that confirm the evidence. Learn what evidence she sees. Then assimilate that into what you know.  Then proceed from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why ask questions?  I've never thought about this before, but by asking questions, you're putting her in a learning mindset.  She's literally questioning things.  So she's more likely to be receptive to new ideas. But if you give statements she may have a tendency to get defensive or argue against it, thus not being receptive to new ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course asking questions means you understand her better, so you're more likely to give a compelling argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other questions that are good to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you want (in terms of your anxiety)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, she may say she wants her anxiety to go away.  Then you can ask, well has it satisfactorily gone away?  If not, does it make sense to talk to a doctor to figure out what to change to make things better? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An advantage to this is rather than stressing how things are worse (which she may or may not agree with), this stresses making things better, which is arguably always possible - so she may be on board with that, even if you disagree that the medication is making things better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another question to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you perfectly happy with your anxiety symptoms? If not, would it be worth it change something so that you can be happier?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but refuses to tell them about the panic attacks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Watch I'll do it to you :)] Do you know why she refuses?  If not have you considered finding out why?  Make sure you understand before you suggest anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;claims that the new medication is helping her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same thing - do you know why she's saying this?  Does she really believe it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer is based on experience. I've spent years feeling misunderstood. All I've found I can do is change myself. I've found many approaches that increase the liklihood that someone understands me. This is one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastEditorDisplayName="user16858" LastEditDate="2018-06-12T14:24:45.757" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T14:24:45.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15448" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-12T03:02:05.673" Score="84" ViewCount="18362" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a computer programmer working as a graduate student under a biochemistry department in a university affiliated hospital. So far I have had a very successful career, having written novel and published data mining algorithms on top of programming hardware for spectrometers. I am also tall (around 6'2&quot;) and fit at around 178 lbs. I don't think I'm particularly attractive (facially), but in the past I have not had a problem finding casual relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people at work (school?) question my single status - particularly the female staff (the biochemistry lab is 50/50 male/female, however the hospital is heavily female dominated) and I am starting to feel that it is impacting my career and reputation. Examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A woman (who is married) told me directly that she feels a man who prefers singledom is not &quot;normal&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My supervisor (PI) told a female co-worker not to talk to me (she revealed this to me the other day and asked why he would say this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A woman whose advances I purposely ignored is accusing me of being gay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why I'm single&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally have little to no interest in relationships. I have had a few short term relationships in the past and realized that relationships are not for me. I am an extremely introverted individual with clear structure in my life and in the past I have found that all the emotional needs, spontaneity, ups and downs, etc., of relationships have left me extremely depressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like most humans, I have sexual needs. I found these could be met relatively easily (and on my ordered schedule) through online dating apps which further compounds my decision to avoid long term relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I reply to people in such a way that it leaves little to their imagination (i.e. prevents further rumor generation)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7819" LastEditorUserId="7819" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T06:39:56.613" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:34:25.707" Title="Responding to people questioning my single status?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;sexual-harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="25" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15448" CreationDate="2018-06-12T04:54:15.490" Score="12" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Your problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like some of your female coworkers are worried about your character if you can't &amp;quot;hold down a relationship.&amp;quot; &lt;strong&gt;You seem to be the subject of a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prejudice&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;prejudice&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe these coworkers simply haven't met a man with your ideals before who wasn't a scumbag. Or maybe they had a bad experience with someone your age who was single. Either way, the best way that I've found to deal with prejudices is to try to separate yourself as an individual from the group you're being lumped with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;A solution&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, the group is &amp;quot;single men over a certain age.&amp;quot; Next time a coworker tells someone not to talk to you, make it personal. Ask them why they've done this and when they reply that it's because they don't think you can be trusted or something else about your single status, ask them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have I ever shown any signs of being untrustworthy? Or have I ever tried to take advantage of my female coworkers? I enjoy working with all of you and though I may be single, I'm still just another person trying to get through his daily grind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may not convince them and things may not change immediately, but if you can repeat this pattern of not playing into their prejudices and reminding them of this fact, eventually they may realize that you're not another sleazy guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's me I like to add some humor to lighten the mood. If someone tells you they think you're not normal for being single, I'd respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree that I'm not too normal, after all I do {insert that goofy thing you do} sometimes. But I'm not sure being single makes me strange. Why do you think so?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to their reasoning and try to find the root of their prejudice. Do they think that you're clearly attractive so you must either have a girlfriend or be a player? Remind them that you've never been a player around them and this basis is unfounded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, in my experience this doesn't work immediately, but repeated enough times it eventually begins to stick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;An important note for the workplace&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to note that if this is going so far that your supervisor is telling coworkers not to talk to you, you may need to talk to a higher up. This is all well and good as a minor interpersonal issue, but if it affects your job or your education, it may be time to go to HR. For more on this, you might want to ask about your situation on &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com&quot;&gt;The Workplace&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T04:54:15.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15453" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1819" CreationDate="2018-06-12T06:05:26.533" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Time to move on ... in any culture, we all have fond memories of good times when we were younger. Keep it a fond memory. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any culture I've ever heard of, husbands do not like older men from the past to show up and linger... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I admit I do not understand the &quot;sistering&quot; in northern India. Knowing it is a patriarchy, it seems like having someone to advise and look after you &lt;strong&gt;until&lt;/strong&gt; you get a husband.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;reason&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; she hasn't contacted him at all ... if she wanted contact, there would already be contact. Most likely, if contact was made the woman would tell him to &quot;stay away&quot; because she is married now. It just isn't proper to have that relationship now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Move on and enjoy the memories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18633" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T06:05:26.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15454" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-12T06:25:57.520" Score="4" ViewCount="951" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm currently organising a board game night. This is an iteration of a weekly board game night amongst a rather loose group of friends, but this one is something of a bigger deal: it's happening at a friend's place on the weekend, instead of at uni on a weeknight. There might be drinking, and partying, and other things we don't normally do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The friend who is hosting the event doesn't make it to the board games much any more, but can do weekends, so he offered to host it instead since nobody else really had the space to do so. However, people perceive it to be my event, for a few reasons: I'm the one with the board game collection, I've been agitating to do this for a while, and it's something of a farewell for me, since I'll be leaving the uni in a month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This friend who's hosting, without asking/consulting with me, invited another person to play games. This person is an old friend of his, and something of a new friend of mine. I have no issues with this person coming to games; on the contrary, he's a pleasant guy and I think he'll be a good addition to the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, this guy sent a message via a group chat, expressing gratitude for my thinking to ask him. I want him to feel welcome, but I don't want to be dishonest about the reason for him being invited. I don't really want to take undue credit, especially when this group chat contains our mutual friend who really invited him. All the options I could think of just sounded like I was trying to make him feel unwelcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything I could say that makes it absolutely clear that he is very welcome to come, but that I was not the person to invite him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18749" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T12:45:42.313" Title="Can I make a plus one I didn't invite feel welcome while still being honest?" Tags="&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15407" CreationDate="2018-06-12T06:40:42.423" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm gonna post a second answer, as no-one seems to have thought about this yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Talk to one or more of your teachers&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chose the one or more that you feel comfortable with, and which seems to understand- and know you the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain your situation to your teacher, and hear them out what they think you can do to handle your parents. &#xA;Do mind that this is not about the single vacation, it is not about the grades, but rather the issue of &lt;strong&gt;you doing your best&lt;/strong&gt; -&gt; &lt;em&gt;which your parents doesn't seem to believe.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While they of course are the ones that grades your work, it is also them who actually follow you on a daily basis. They can actually &quot;see&quot; whether you are doing a hard days worth of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Possibly: meet up&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best situation would be if you could get the teacher(s) to meet up with your parents, and let them explain the amount of work you are putting into the school. They should likewise remind your parents, that one can't be expected to score highest grades at all tests, as most subjects are often very broad and you can't be expected to know and prepare everything during a single test.&#xA;If your parents have just of few ounces of reason, they would trust your teachers words - do mind that they already trust the teachers to educate you well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure that you are very open about this meeting, as your parents would maybe feel annoyed if you set up a meeting behind their back. Talking with your teacher in private is perfectly OK without sharing it with your parents, but if you are setting up a meeting for both parents and teacher(s), make sure to first ask your parents whether they  would want to participate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It goes without saying that if they seem hesitant to participate a meeting, you should tell them that making this meeting means a lot to you!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18636" LastEditorUserId="18636" LastEditDate="2018-06-12T07:24:03.010" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T07:24:03.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15454" CreationDate="2018-06-12T07:18:38.783" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think something simple like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It was actually your friend's idea to invite you and you're a very welcome addition to the group.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should suffice. Note that it doesn't mention whether or not this idea was ran by you first. You could then add something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't know why I didn't invite you myself.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;at the end to further drive in the point that he's welcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18751" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T07:18:38.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15439" CreationDate="2018-06-12T07:41:47.163" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the other answerers have stated, you can apologize to people who show up after the food has run out.  Mention to them that due to limited funds, you weren't able to get more food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to that, you can let people know ahead of time of the possibility that food will run out.  In the invitation, let people know that food will be available, but that it will be on a first come, first served basis.  That way if people show up late and there's no more food, they will only have themselves to blame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="394" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T07:41:47.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15459" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15439" CreationDate="2018-06-12T07:43:46.117" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers are great, but &lt;strong&gt;this is one of those problems that could potentialy be solved ahead of time&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This activity is obviously well received, too many people are turning up for the amount of &quot;entertainment&quot; that the budget provides for. So for a more longer term solution it may be best to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk to the group outside of the activity and see if it's worth raising the budget&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the budget can't be raised, think about &lt;strong&gt;highlighting&lt;/strong&gt; the fact that latecomers are likely not to get the food. This means either everyone will turn up half an hour early, then you can reiterate point 1 &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18753" LastEditorUserId="18753" LastEditDate="2018-06-12T08:26:48.367" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T08:26:48.367" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15407" CreationDate="2018-06-12T07:48:19.657" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is always the nuclear option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Back off, or I'll get 70%&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;90% is an outstanding grade, they're being unreasonable, maybe you need to be as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One low grade will not ruin your academic career, but it would show your parents that you are not just going to take this, and while you're willing to work hard, it must be balanced with having a bit of fun! You'll never have as much opportunity for leisure time as while you're at school, so not taking advantage of that is a waste.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is always the risk that this could backfire, but I don't think trying to prove that you're working hard enough, and can't work harder, is even possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18754" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T07:48:19.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15454" CreationDate="2018-06-12T08:19:49.903" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;He should not be the first person you talk to about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention that your mutual friend invited him. You have also now learned that your mutual friend maybe misrepresented the invitation as coming from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should clear that uncertainty up &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt; and thus ask your mutual friend something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, Y seems to think I invited him personally. I think he's a great&#xA;  guy, but it was you that invited him, wasn't it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe there's a reason your mutual friend acted like he did. You don't know. You feel like you need to fix a situation, when maybe no-one actually wants you to do so. Acting without being sure could create trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5983" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T08:19:49.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15462" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15463" CreationDate="2018-06-12T08:40:54.593" Score="42" ViewCount="15208" Body="&lt;p&gt;As for the topic, if possible I'd be grateful for general answer and more specific one regarding following situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend has a clinically diagnosed depression (she attends visits with psychiatrist and is taking medications). Because of that she often has very bad mood (nowadays it's less common thankfully). I am always trying to figure out some ways to help her, generally when we are spending time together she feels alright. But except for her free time with me she is studying hard to get her college degree and has a part-time job which are both very stressful for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when she is in a bad mood she tells me she wishes I were next to her (we live in different cities and usually see each other on the weekends only), and that she feels terrible when she is alone - when I hear it over and over again makes me feel as if I were entirely responsible for her happiness. Obviously I know that her depression has a huge impact here and I care about her a lot and want her to be happy, but I want her to be happy not only when I am with her but also when she is alone, so once when we were hanging out I suggested her to find some hobby. I thought if she had some passion like art or whatever else, maybe she could forget about her bad mood for a while. I told her something between the lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: You are only attending classes, working, and when you're back home you're studying. Have you thought about finding some hobby?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of my poor word choice she took it as if I were telling her that she is boring. I immediately corrected myself and explained what I meant and she said it's ok and that she understands what I meant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward few weeks, she was in a very bad mood again and said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: I know you think I am boring and that I don't have any hobby&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously despite her telling me it was fine she took it to herself and I felt very bad about that because that was totally not what I wanted her to think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there something I could do to fix that? I don't think that talking would work, but maybe I'm wrong. From time to time I'm trying to do some new stuff with her hoping she will like it (programming, learning foreign language), but even if she enjoys it in a moment it's nothing she would like to do regularly.&#xA;Can I somehow encourage her to try out new things on her own / look for some activity she enjoys doing regularly? (I'm aware that in case of depression that's not an ultimate solution if any at all)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in more general case, how could I tell that to anybody (to find a hobby), without implying that they are boring?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18755" LastEditorUserId="16603" LastEditDate="2018-06-12T12:46:55.757" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T00:55:51.550" Title="How to suggest someone to find a hobby without offending them?" Tags="&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;depression&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15462" CreationDate="2018-06-12T09:09:24.423" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two friends of mine - a couple - are currently living in different countries most of the week due to work obligations. Initially, the one that stayed behind complained of having nothing to do besides socialise during the week. Below are some of the things they tried. This approach addresses the hobby-finding less than it does the depression, but it might help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of asking her just to find a hobby, find something you can both do together. My friends would play online multiplayer games such as Minecraft or World of Warcraft together, play tabletop RPGs over Skype or discuss books they were both reading; something that they can both do regardless of distance. In this case of video games or books, it is a hobby that may become something she tries on her own when you are not available (and hopefully still enjoy). These are just some examples. This approach has the potential bonus of also lessening the strain of you two being so remote so often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However unintended, there is a risk here that her lack of a hobby is being interpreted as a problem &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; have about &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;. It is possible she does not see it as a problem in the first place. If you would like to &lt;em&gt;encourage&lt;/em&gt; your partner to broaden her horizons, suggest something you can both do. That way, if she is not keen on it, it is less likely to come across as a letdown for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T09:09:24.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15462" CreationDate="2018-06-12T09:12:23.423" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;While depression is a major factor here, I cannot shake off the feeling that your girlfriend is forcing you to think and spend more time with her in this passive-aggressive way. Even with your best intentions, she will interpret your words her way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depression or not, she needs to be able to rely on herself first and foremost. What would happen if you decided to break up? She sounds as if her life would just spiral out of control. Does she have any friends or family around?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can initiate the simple activities she can do on her own and see if they yield any result:&#xA;1) Suggest a book that you read at the same time&#xA;2) Sign her up for a gym and discuss the progress, even if you are not exercising yourself&#xA;3) Give her some small chores that she can do during the day somewhat for you that would make her feel more important (bake a cake or bread before the weekend together, shop for some specific brand of coffee - be very specific about the instructions, not just general)&#xA;4) If possible attend a session with her therapist to discuss how you can help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in the end, you cannot fix everything in her life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T09:12:23.423" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15462" CreationDate="2018-06-12T09:15:43.520" Score="4" Body="&lt;h2&gt;The solution&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see that you have taken the approach of introducing new activities to her during your weekend meetups (or at least that's what I imply from your statement &quot;&lt;em&gt;From time to time I'm trying to do some new stuff with her hoping she will like it (programming, learning foreign language), but even if she enjoys it in a moment it's nothing she would like to do regularly.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;). Keep it up, it is the approach that I use with my girlfriend as well, as you can see in the short anecdote in the next section.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, besides just introducing the activity to her, take it a step further and make it such that she &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; to continue doing it in her own time. Take for example you're teaching her a programming language (or learning it with her). If she has found out, &quot;hey I'm actually interested in learning Python&quot;, you can turn it into a casual Python lesson with her, and each time you meet her, be sure to prepare a topic to teach her (functions, data structures, classes, etc) &lt;strong&gt;and give her a little &quot;assignment&quot; to do at the end of each meetup&lt;/strong&gt;. Say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hmm why not you try this over the week and you can present your solution to me next week when we meet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way she is &quot;forced&quot; to occupy herself with your mini Python assignment during her free time, which &lt;s&gt;coincidentally&lt;/s&gt; is what people would do when they have a hobby! On a side note though, as she may be stressed out with her work and/or studies, try not to &lt;em&gt;over-engineer&lt;/em&gt; the assignment. Keep it simple, make it meaningful, but at the same time add just a tad of difficulty to keep her interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works for other things that you may want to do together with her as well (learning a foreign language, arts and crafts, other IT shenanigans, etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Anecdote&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since my girlfriend and I graduated from college, I have found a part-time job (I'm waiting for enlistment into the army) but my girlfriend has not (she's waiting for her further studies to start), due to her needing to accompany her relatives to the doctor and other family matters. So during the time that she is bored and wants my attention, I find myself in a similar situation as you are. So I went ahead and did up some Python lessons for her (she's going to work as a software engineer in the future so an extra language learnt is going to benefit her anyway!) At the end of every lesson, I give her an assignment to do during her free time, so nowadays I mostly check in on her (by text) once in a while to see how she's progressing. It helps her to keep herself distracted and she gets to learn as well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastEditorUserId="16292" LastEditDate="2018-06-12T09:21:57.040" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T09:21:57.040" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15467" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15462" CreationDate="2018-06-12T09:24:11.547" Score="17" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Depression&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think half of the problem here is your initial framing and her depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything said to her in that way with her current state of mind will (in all likelihood) be taken as an insult and affirm the complex negative beliefs she has about herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Anecdote&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I had depression, anything anyone &lt;strong&gt;said&lt;/strong&gt; to me came across as a personal attack (no matter how well-meaning it was). What worked for me was suggestions of things to do, offers to help and people expressing genuine concern over my situation (without following it up with something I'd take as a personal attack).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, hard-hitting truths about my actions that I REALLY needed to take in fell under &quot;personal attacks&quot; at the time. Depression is a wonderful thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Solution&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to solve your current situation, I'd suggest you talk to her about your concerns (depression etc.), ask if you can help and then &lt;strong&gt;how she would like you to help&lt;/strong&gt; (but don't try to do anything just yet, let the dust settle first). This might help to ease her negative thoughts she thinks you have about her whilst showing that you care and want to work through her depression as a team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a while, act on what you discussed but make sure you make her aware of your actions and remind her that you both discussed this together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Framing&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like a lot of mental problems, the person has to be willing to see it as a problem before it can be resolved. When speaking about things it should be framed in more of a positive way (personal experience helps) and with a plan of action, you have to come across like you're not trying to blame her at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;i.e&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I had a friend that had depression, what he said helped him get through the loneliness was doing more things to occupy his time&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;vs&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You complain about being lonely a lot, you really need to do more things to occupy your time&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One sounds like a helpful way out, the other a personal attack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Resource&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not completely related but this video recently released by Charisma on Command goes over how to approach toxic people about behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The approaches discussed can be applied to your situation with a bit of modification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agEqp7_BCCA&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agEqp7_BCCA&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Hobbies in general&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for how to suggest people take up hobbies in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really bother suggesting it this directly. If I think someone would benefit from taking something up I suggest they do it, offer to do it with them (until they are ready to go on their own) or get them a Birthday/Christmas gift related to it to start them off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Past doing that though, it gets a bit rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9259" LastEditorUserId="9259" LastEditDate="2018-06-13T08:44:49.123" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T08:44:49.123" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15439" CreationDate="2018-06-12T09:50:30.210" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You volunteered to be the party organizer. You gotta own that. The more people you can get to come to your party, the stronger your community will be, and the more pleasant everyone's lives will be when they see each other around.  Don't let them down. Community is important. So you need to be able to handle everyone, if you can. Isn't that why you volunteered?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I'm not saying kick in your own money. There are lots of ways to raise the cash. The simplest solution is to put out a tip jar; this is a lot less awkward than asking around. Or people could donate a pint of their own favorite flavor (you could call it BYOIC). Or maybe a locally owned ice creamery has some overstock they will donate. One recent trend is crowdfunding (e.g. GoFundMe). Whatever you do, keep the idea clear and simple; if you put out a tip jar, label it and suggest an amount; if you ask them to bring ice cream, tell them what size. A lot of people who don't participate just don't know what to do, so spell it out, and more people will come through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a site &lt;a href=&quot;https://blog.fundly.com/fundraising-ideas/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;that claims to have 131 fundraising ideas&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could just stick to the budget. That would be well within your rights, and your event would be, well, an event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2029" LastEditorUserId="2029" LastEditDate="2018-06-12T09:55:35.160" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T09:55:35.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15469" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15480" CreationDate="2018-06-12T10:39:16.480" Score="112" ViewCount="35479" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live with my parents. My father likes to challenge nearly everything I say, up to the point of ridiculousness. I can prove many of the things he challenges but not immediately. In most cases his disagreements with my comments are off-topic. They seem to stem from a psychological need to be right. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I had just come back from a road trip up the country. During dinner, I was making conversation and expressed my surprise about a sign on the motorway saying vehicles more than 2.0m wide are not allowed on the left lane. I remember joking about my car being 2004 milimeters (2.004m) wide. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My father then said my car cannot possibly be 2004 milimeters wide, since it 'cannot possibly be so large'. Well, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.peugeot.co.za/range/find-your-vehicle/208-gti/technical-information.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;it is&lt;/a&gt;. Since we're not allowed to use our phones during dinner, I could not show him proof.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I finally convinced him that my car was indeed as wide as I said (although I am convinced he didn't actually believe me), he started arguing that I must have misread the sign. When I convinced him that I have seen the sign correctly, by asking my road-trip partners to confirm, he argued the signs were illegal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My sister ended up snapping at me and telling me to stop arguing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many more situations like this. Another time, he told me there are no shops under Rotterdam Central Station, so I could not have bought a sandwich there. He last was there 20 years ago, I was there the morning of the evening this conversation happened. Whenever I make a bland, trivially verifiable statement about my day I get told it is impossible or false, almost like: &quot;I was walking home from work...&quot; &quot;No you weren't, you have no feet!&quot; &quot;And saw a cat ...&quot; &quot;Impossible, cats are extinct!&quot; and so on forever...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happens on average once a week. I try to avoid situations that could spark arguments, but every potential topic seems to be arguable. I tried not talking at all, but I get flack for &quot;not telling anything&quot;. He does it with basically everyone, even people he has just met. As soon as they say something he knows about, he has to comment on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like for this behaviour to stop. It is making me feel like I know nothing and causes me to act like a know-it-all in other places. I even caught myself copying this behaviour that I hate to other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother and sister tell me to not argue with him, but that is incredibly difficult. I'm fed up with being dumb, I know things too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to win these arguments if they occur or to stop them from happening entirely. Everything but losing the argument, basically. How can I do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; I’m 25 by the way. My sister is just 18, but she’s good at this stuff. She has trouble dropping it sometimes too, though. My brother is 21 but gets in near constant arguments with him. Both my father and I lean towards Asperger. We are looking to move out, which I am expecting to happen between now and half a year from now. I’m looking for a solution that will mainly work for that time, but preferably in the future too.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;My father hasn't been examined for Alzheimer's, but I think it is unlikely that that influences his behaviour. His perception of things is simply... odd. The two main sources for his statements are either things that were true in the past (there was indeed no shops under the station when he was last there, there were renovations when I visited and he last visited 20 years ago) or based on misunderstanding of for example news (when Samsung was being investigated for supposedly reducing battery life to sell more phones, along with Apple, he understood that Samsung actually did that, even though this was later refuted).&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T13:43:54.120" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T15:03:12.947" Title="How can I handle my father challenging everything I say?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="25" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15472" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15475" CreationDate="2018-06-12T11:04:48.327" Score="1" ViewCount="8102" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of friends and colleagues, who have the habit to ask me this question, without providing any context of why they ask. If it was the case of &quot;Where are you? We are going to X and we can pick you up&quot;, I'll gladly respond if I'm available, but a simple question just for curiosity is uncomfortable to me to respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can be possible to respond to the plain question politely, in order that the other person doesn't feel bad for asking me or feels that I'm being rude with him/her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18765" LastEditorDisplayName="user18765" LastEditDate="2018-06-14T18:48:39.477" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T18:48:39.477" Title="How to respond to &quot;Where are you?&quot; as the only question" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-06-12T13:22:59.520" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-12T11:16:49.000" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm understanding the problem you are facing.  Its very hard when someone very close to us tends to do something which we don't like at all, like in you case pointing out every view of yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once faced the same issue with close one of mine. You need to understand that&#xA;not every dispute is meant to be won, when you love some one you accept them as they are. And you can not win any argument because if you lose the argument you eventually lose, but even if you win the argument you lose the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And specifically with your concert about your respected dad, he is aging. You have to admit that his brain isn't as young as yours. He isn't living in a world where you can ask questions online and find solutions. He is from an older time where people have there own ethics, for him its completely fine to argue, he has nothing else to do according to his perception. But in the broader view of the situation you need to understand that something that really matters, is joy, love and happiness. And your father needs it, so be polite, smile back. Say &quot;Yes father you are right, you are more experienced from me, you know better than me&quot;, obviously in a polite tone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And understand this that for you the world is big and broad but for him the world is narrow to you and family not as broad as your perception. So give him the love that he deserves from his own child. Even if you are prove wrong in the eyes of your own father its not a big deal, but just spread good vibes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this might help a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18763" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-12T11:52:26.213" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T11:52:26.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15472" CreationDate="2018-06-12T11:36:21.870" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who used to have the same habit. My solution was fairly simple: respond with a question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever he would ask &quot;Where are you now?&quot; I would respond with &quot;Why do you ask?&quot;. I would use a friendly, interested tone of voice, nothing even remotely approaching upset or annoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the short term, this helped me get the information you're mentioning: the reason why this person is asking me for my location.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the long term, it helped this friend realize that whenever he would just ask after my location without telling me why, he would get the question. In the end, he started including the reason in his question, so I no longer had to ask. I've noticed that he now does the same even when he's talking to other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tone of voice is key in this, because you want to make it clear by your tone of voice that you're not inherently opposed to giving them this information, you just want to know &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T11:36:21.870" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-12T12:09:15.973" Score="73" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to be an apple that didn't fall far from the tree. When there are two people in an argument who prefer &quot;anything but losing the argument&quot; this is what is going to happen. People are going to yell, get their phones, prove facts, say those don't matter, say you must have remembered wrong, and generally get upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's upsetting to have things go off from the script in your head. You saw a silly sign, and felt a little smart because you knew it was silly. You told the story at dinner and expected everyone to be mildly amused. Instead, someone said you were wrong and that wasn't the width of your car. Suddenly, you were in an argument and you couldn't get out of it. Who knows why he had to say you were wrong? Maybe he also wanted to feel smart. Maybe he thinks whoever gets paid to put up signs would never put up a silly sign, so you have to be wrong. It could be interesting for you to think about his motivations, but not in the middle of an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you have to argue with him and cannot lose. You don't want to feel stupid, you want it acknowledged that you know things too. Losing these arguments is making you bully and argue with other people. That's no good. But look at your mother and sister. Are they stupid? Do they know things? Why don't they have to argue with him? Do they perhaps just give each other (or you) &quot;that look&quot; when he starts, and change the subject? When they do, do you think to yourself &quot;wow, my sister is so stupid and doesn't know anything&quot;? I bet you don't. What would happen if you could give yourself a &quot;Free pass&quot; the same way you give one to them? You know that when he tells them spaghetti grows on trees, and they decide it's a good idea to discuss a tv show right now, they aren't stupid and they know about spaghetti. Can the same not be true for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have confidence in your own knowledge and capabilities, you can let someone say you are wrong, and not have to argue, push back, prove, and win. Because an older man saying there is no place to buy a sandwich cannot establish or change the true fact of sandwich buying. You know that. So why argue? What will it change? Is that how you want to spend your dinner time? &lt;strong&gt;Is that who you want to be?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not arguing is probably new to you. I bet you've been doing it with him for years. Watch your sister and mother. How do they do it? Do they just change the subject without giving in? Do they say a little phrase like &quot;if you say so&quot; or &quot;oh I suppose you know all about this&quot; that indicate they are not going to argue any more? Do they just stop talking and eat their food? Turn and talk to someone else about something else? I could argue for one or another of these strategies and why they might work, but there's no need for that because you have solid examples of them in use probably every day within your family. Observe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time your father contradicts you and starts off about something that he is totally wrong on, do whatever it is you've observed your mother and sister doing. Then afterwards, if you feel like a small child, or feel stupid, or that your knowledge was unfairly characterized, you can talk to one of them alone. Tell them your car is actually more than 2m wide, or there really is a sandwich shop or whatever. They will probably say &quot;there, there&quot; or &quot;I know&quot; or &quot;you know how Dad is.&quot; After a while you can skip this step because you'll have the confidence in yourself and won't need to get it externally. And you can be proud of your skill in preventing these pointless arguments with you father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T12:09:15.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15477" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15448" CreationDate="2018-06-12T12:18:40.313" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it helps to put labels on things. From your description it sounds like you might be an &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201710/s-so-aromantic&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;aromantic&lt;/a&gt;. That is, a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others and does not wish to engage in a steady relationship with a Significant Other. Aromantic people do value friendship and close family bonds, it's just they are not interested in &quot;single love&quot;. It also does not mean that they are &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;asexual&lt;/a&gt;. It's not that uncommon, one study suggests that the prevalence is around 1% in the US adult population. It's also bit of a spectrum, there is quite some room between 'I can only love one person and will do so for my entire life' and 'I have never felt in love with someone'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The woman that said you your wish to stay single is not &quot;normal&quot; expressed herself in an amatonormative way, the &quot;the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.&quot; Amatonormativity is deeply engrained in US culture and by extension in most other western cultures. And yes, it is &lt;a href=&quot;https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/04/amatonormativity-expectations/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;harmful&lt;/a&gt; to those who do not lean that way. Culturally, amatonormativity is more engrained in women than in men ('slut' versus 'stud'). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To illustrate how bad this is: the prime minister of my country six years running is single and has no obvious love life. There is quite a bit of conjecturing in the (social) media about whether he is a closet gay or whatever. He himself does not say anything about that part of his life as &lt;em&gt;it is nobodies concern but his and his alone&lt;/em&gt; and he of course has sufficient power, influence and media skills to make this not stick to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, being aromantic in itself does not create stress or unhappiness, you can be perfectly happy living single. Stress can however be caused by social stigma (the first woman) or wrong interpretation of your sexual and/or romantic preference (the third woman).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, what can you do or say?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lie&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just haven't found my true love yet. I hope I will find her* someday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Insert your sexual orientation here. This method neatly sidesteps wrong assumptions and any discomfort in others about you being deviant from the norm. On the other hand, well, it is a lie if you are definitely aromantic. The lie is somewhat excusable because it is about your private life, which your coworkers have absolutely no business with, and it is only temporary as you will not be working there forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell them off&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find all this prying, implying and conjecturing about my private life pretty offensive and disrespectful&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it is. But nonetheless, it will continue to happen unless you take a stand and say that you will have none of it. Of course that won't happen to stop people from doing it behind your back, mixing it with the 'lie' should be more effective in that respect. My prime minister certainly won't phrase it as harsh as this, because he does not want to alienate potential voters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Come out&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am what you could call an aromantic. Never fell in love with a woman, probably never will. It's perfectly normal. Lots of people stay single [and still have casual sex every now and then].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only do this if you are definitely an aromantic. Some people will think you are weird because you go against one of the more fundamental assumptions about life they grew up with (the first woman) and they will reject this concept out of personal belief. Others will be more open, but be prepared to keep on explaining yourself forever. If you get fed up with it, mix in with two. Explanations can involve something like the &lt;a href=&quot;http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2015/03/the-genderbread-person-v3/#&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;genderbread person&lt;/a&gt;, where romantic attraction is just one of the five axes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask your supervisor what was meant by advising coworkers 'not talking to me'&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This depends slightly on the rapport you have with your supervisor, the level of hierarchy in the company culture and other factors that involve your job security. You may need to talk to HR first. If true, it appears you are stigmatized and possibly discriminated against.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T12:18:40.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15448" CreationDate="2018-06-12T13:32:15.807" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I reply to people in such a way that it leaves little to their imagination (i.e. prevents further rumor generation)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in an environment where they don't know, don't volunteer the information.  Most of your post involves places where people &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; know, but for new places, consider keeping this information private by implying that you're taken - which can be interpreted to be true since you can fulfill your needs when you want per your original post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to places where they know that you're single, look at your own examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A woman (who is married) told me directly that she feels a man who&#xA;  prefers singledom is not &quot;normal&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My supervisor (PI) told a female co-worker not to talk to me (she&#xA;  revealed this to me the other day and asked why he would say this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A woman whose advances I purposely ignored is accusing me of being&#xA;  gay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Men have a tendency to just &quot;handle&quot; discrimination - which most of what you list borders on discrimination (or is blatant discrimination depending on how you look at it) - but if you just let these fly, these people will do this to others.  Discrimination isn't always about you, it affects others.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your third example where a woman accuses you of being gay, she's essentially implying that if you don't like her or attracted to her, you're gay.  Not only is that arrogant, some might find that somewhat homophobic.  Your second example is someone encouraging discriminating (&quot;don't talk to him&quot;) and your first example is discrimination where a person implies there's something wrong with you if you're not married.  This speaks volumes about where you work and given that it's multiple people (every company has at least one bad actor), this sounds like a hostile work environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best solutions in your case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Escalate your examples due to discrimination.  If you don't, there isn't a way around people treating you this way.  These examples are awful treatment.  Keep in mind that people preventing others from meeting or talking with you may impact your future career potential.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If people are being respectful, but curious about your relationship status, like &quot;What makes you prefer being single&quot; you can be reasonable and explain in a manner you find equally respectful.  Your OP does a great job of this and is perfectly reasonable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If people are curious and are disrespectful in the process, like &quot;What makes you prefer being single, even though it's much better to be married&quot; you can respond in an equal manner here - &quot;You're right. A breakup is much worse than alimony and child support for life! I really need to find a MS that I can give 60% of my money to.&quot;  Disrespectful questions deserve disrespectful answers.  In the least, these aren't discriminating against you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you choose not to escalate your existing situation, in the least, look for an exit and consider not revealing your single status in the future.  If you do let this fly, these people will keep treating others this way though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16655" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T13:32:15.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15454" CreationDate="2018-06-12T13:51:49.880" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The short answer, in my opinion, is yes, but you shouldn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very frequently 'that guy' in large part because I am very introverted. I don't have any of the normal anxiety problems a lot of introverts do, but I prefer small gatherings to larger ones. I get invited to lots of 2-3 person get togethers, but rarely to larger ones.  I &lt;em&gt;shouldn't&lt;/em&gt; care, because I decline 99% of those invitations anyway, but the truth of the matter is that I do.  Being invited by my friends and having the option to decline is a big deal to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, this person is invited, and will likely become a regular member of this group of friends. It's obvious the invite meant a lot to them, and while you didn't do it, it doesn't sound like it was unwarranted. You're leaving in a month as well, so you're unlikely to have much further contact with them anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get that you want to be honest, but that comes across to me as simply being pedantic.  The only person you should concern yourself with is the person who did invite them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of it in terms of a wedding.  Let's say you've known the bride for 10 years, and the groom for only the last 6 months or so.  Let's say you walk up to the groom and say something generic like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for inviting me, I'm so happy to be able to be a part of your special day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even the nicest, most polite response along what you're asking for would sound like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, you've been my wife's friends for ages so she invited you, but obviously I wanted you to be here too!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When really the more appropriate, and analogous response would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We're glad you could come, it just wouldn't have been the same without you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see, your friend is hosting, you're inviting people, so it isn't your event, and it isn't just their event either. It's both of you, and this person is invited.  There's unlikely any reason to simply say more than &quot;You're welcome&quot; and leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T13:51:49.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-12T14:26:26.293" Score="179" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to win these arguments if they occur or to stop them from happening entirely. Everything but losing the argument, basically. How can I do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You need to modify your definition of &amp;quot;winning&amp;quot; an argument with your father. &lt;em&gt;His goal is to get in an argument&lt;/em&gt;. If you can avoid that argument, then you have &amp;quot;won&amp;quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to do this is to learn the art of &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-Gray-Rock-Method&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;gray rocking&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is to find a &lt;em&gt;neutral, boring response&lt;/em&gt; that doesn't give your dad anything more to argue with. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: &amp;quot;Your car can't possibly be over 2m wide!!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &lt;em&gt;ok&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might feel like losing the argument, but it's not. It's not a concession, its an artful dodge. Move on with dinner or with unrelated discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just continue repeating your boring phrase:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: &amp;quot;There's no restaurant under the station!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &lt;em&gt;ok&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you're not admitting that he is right, you're simply &lt;em&gt;acknowledging that he has expressed his opinion&lt;/em&gt; in the most boring way possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is hard to predict how he will respond, it will certainly catch him off guard. He might escalate, just continue to respond the same way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: &amp;quot;I'm telling you, you can't possibly have bought a sandwich there!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &lt;em&gt;ok&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think &amp;quot;ok&amp;quot; is too confrontational, you could instead use something like &amp;quot;you're right, Dad&amp;quot;. Use it in the same, way, repeated as boring and neutral as possible, to shut down arguments as they come up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you conceding defeat? &lt;strong&gt;No&lt;/strong&gt;. Again, your dad's goal isn't to &amp;quot;win&amp;quot;, your dad's goal is to &lt;em&gt;get into an argument&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By avoiding the argument, you &amp;quot;win&amp;quot;, even if you are literally saying &amp;quot;you win, Dad&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other similar phrases suggested in the comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;oh&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;huh&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;nod + &amp;quot;hmm&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;if you say so&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;I'll think about that&amp;quot; (great for suggestions/ideas. You &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; think about their idea, after which you'll reject it)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;Roger&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;Roger that&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;I see&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;You make a good point&amp;quot; (...that I have no intention of following...)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4090" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T14:31:32.410" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15448" CreationDate="2018-06-12T14:46:17.570" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Specifically speaking about the audience which is trying to exile you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being rejected because the target (you) is &quot;off-limits&quot; (taken, married, or gay) is a far easier pill to swallow compared to being rejected because the target does not want them. It is far easier to make you feel bad about your life choices rather than suck it up because they are not considered as one of your choices. If they cannot have you then they would prefer if you weren't even around as a temptation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You never specified your country/culture but the main conclusion which I have gathered is jealousy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately they're goal is to badger you until they feel better about themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what can you do about this? Unfortunately, not much besides get them to believe you are seeing someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep focused and do what you do because it sounds like you can continuously upgrade your career with new employment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly &lt;a href=&quot;https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/don%27t+shit+where+you+eat&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Don't s**t where you eat&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-06-12T16:55:55.493" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T16:55:55.493" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-12T15:06:28.713" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your goal is to diffuse the situation by dropping and diverting the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In regards to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My father then said my car cannot possibly be 2004 milimeters wide, since it 'cannot possibly be so large'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could, err should, have responded:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're probably right, how was your day?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand your desire to be &quot;right&quot; but you have very clearly seen which direction that sends you off to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will benefit greatly by being able to identify &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pigeon%20chess&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Pigeon Chess&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Refers to having a pointless debate with somebody utterly ignorant of the subject matter, but standing on a dogmatic position that cannot be moved with any amount of education or logic, but who always proclaims victory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T15:06:28.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15407" CreationDate="2018-06-12T15:14:20.173" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's a simple suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The source of the conflict is that there is no agreed &lt;em&gt;objective&lt;/em&gt; standard about effort except the test. So why not create one? Here's a sample dialogue; change it to suit your particular circumstances and patterns of interactions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom: bio, you got 95% on your last test. That's not acceptable. You'll need to study throughout your 2-week study break. No parties, no movies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;bio: I think the reason I missed that 5% was because I stayed up so late studying the night before that I wasn't paying enough attention to the question. I came across &lt;a href=&quot;http://this.deakin.edu.au/study/six-way-to-make-the-most-of-your-study-breaks&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;advice from a university about study breaks&lt;/a&gt; that rest and human interaction are actually important when studying. I know you want me to try really hard, and I am. But I don't know how to show you that I'm trying really hard. I have a suggestion - can we try this out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom: Mmm?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;bio: How about testing me after a study session? You know, take the book and see if I know my definitions and all that. I'll show you the pages I've read and the summaries I've made. I'll show you the exercises I've attempted and you can see whether I've got them all right. But we need to agree on the quantity of work to be covered. If I get this all done, will you agree to let me spend time with my friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom: Oh honey, of course. But do you think that deadpool is really such a good person to hang out with? ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be issues unrelated to studies, and those will need to be tackled separately. But if you can agree on a particular quantum of work to be done, you might be able to negotiate a 'fair pay for fair work' system, just as is done out in the workforce (except that your 'pay' might be time with friends or a stroll on the beach, etc). Pointing out authoritative advice can also help, though you'll need to be prepared for some skepticism if the advice promotes &lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt; study.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The underlying intent is to have some way to quantify and to agree on the work you are to do, and then to demonstrate afterwards that you have done it effectively.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T15:14:20.173" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-12T15:21:11.307" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;My response in a situation like this might not be the most polite, and it certainly won't work with all instigators, but it works for me well enough.  I'd just not acknowledge what was said with more than a raised eyebrow or an eye-roll or a sarcastic, &quot;right&quot; or &quot;sure.&quot;  This shows that I'm not cowed by the arguer, but also that I don't see the need to validate their statement by engaging with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...But be prepared for this to backfire.  Someone who's talking to hear themselves speak, or to dominate the conversation, might be satisfied with this.  Someone who's looking to put others down or feel a sense of superiority over you - and it sounds like he might be in this latter case - might respond by escalating.  If they tried escalating, my response would be to clearly and concisely say, &quot;I'm not interested in arguing about this, this happens too often.&quot;  I'm sure you've tried that before you got to the point you're at now, and beyond that I don't have any good advice besides &quot;try to find a way to avoid engaging.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T15:21:11.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15448" CreationDate="2018-06-12T15:33:18.927" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;To add to the already good answers, I'll make this one a bit shorter. If you want to dismiss questions in the future of &quot;why are you single&quot; you can answer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm on a few dating apps, but haven't found anyone I want to be serious with&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which is not false and generally understandable. It can often end the discussion on the topic and will not raise as many flags as &quot;I prefer being alone&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they make advances at work, make it clear you don't want to date colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3441" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T15:33:18.927" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15462" CreationDate="2018-06-12T15:52:35.267" Score="8" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Answer&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to list all the actual technical questions you are asking...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to suggest someone to find a hobby without offending them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she took it to herself and I felt very bad about that because that was totally not what I wanted her to think. Is there something I could do to fix that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can I somehow encourage her to try out new things on her own / look for some activity she enjoys doing regularly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid the answer might very well be &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;you can't&amp;quot; on all accounts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: I have been living with a chronically depressed person for the last 20 years; and I had (temporary, non-chronical) bouts of that affliction as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Addendum&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since stopping there would make this an awfully short and depressing answer, let me add a few tangential items...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My &amp;quot;case&amp;quot; also is very strongly dependent on me, and I had, like you, a &amp;quot;helper complex&amp;quot; back then, trying to fix everything. And while I cannot answer your actual question, I feel the need to warn you &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; strongly about the danger. First of all, to yourself, obviously. Right now you're in love (the biological kind, driven by hormones and such, presumably).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But 5, 10 or 15 years down the road (should you, for example, get married and should children join the picture), that feeling might well change, if you are constantly bombarded with her depression. &lt;em&gt;Especially&lt;/em&gt; when children come along, you will find that your bond to your children will very likely be stronger than to her; what if you have to protect your children from her depression? The situation between you two will certainly change. So I encourage to look real deep, often, to see if you see yourself changing in ways that you maybe do not wish yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, you are not doing her a favour either by always being at her side and solving her problem - I believe you already understand that. So, looking for ways to help her that do not immediately require your own presence is very wise indeed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also had a phase where I thought about finding a hobby (actually, even one-day or one-hour activities) for her in the early days. I once sat down and wrote close to 100 different small activities she could do (&amp;quot;pick any one of them&amp;quot;) on a large piece of paper, each if which she &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; physically and logistically able to do. Bad idea on my part. She went through every one of them and explained in detail why she was &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; able.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helped me (and, so I hope, her also), was to actually &lt;em&gt;distance&lt;/em&gt; myself, at least emotionally, but also physically. Unfortunately, I started to do that rather late into our relationship (a few years ago), after we already had been living together for many years, and when she was utterly dependent on me at that point. Since then, I have myself been gradually getting out of her &amp;quot;dark cloud&amp;quot;, and she has by force had to be a bit more autonomous. We're working on the little things, like being able to take a train, or being able to make phone calls to strangers...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't take this so light. Talking about getting hobbies is awful for a depressed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take this lighter. Just because she's unhappy does not mean you have to be too. You are not writing that you are, yet - just sayin'.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Protect yourself. You are not her custodian (or better not be...).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Support her with everything that makes sense, obviously. Making her feel better by sitting next to her on the sofa might make short-term sense (sure, keep doing it) but is not the end solution.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe get psychological support yourself. Find someone who knows about this stuff, explain what you want to achieve, talk through strategies with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be sure you know how and when to say &amp;quot;no&amp;quot;, constantly being the &amp;quot;nice guy&amp;quot; does not necessarily help a depressed either...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T07:00:27.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-12T16:27:31.687" Score="21" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Concede that you might be wrong&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even when you know you are right, state your position, but include the possibility that you are wrong, and then get back to the point you were trying to make and away from the argument. &quot;Maybe I misread the width of my car when I checked it at the shop... Still, if my car is 4mm too wide that's kind of funny right? Can you picture a cop with a measuring tape giving me a hard time?!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on the story or information you were trying to impart and try not to get dragged into an argument over the details. If he is dead set on an argument, and you are positive you are right, making a bet can sometimes diffuse the argument (if it's easily resolvable). &quot;The Sandwich I got at {shopname} was pretty tasty. I'm pretty sure it was under Rotterdam Central, but I was also hungry so maybe I misremembered... how about this, next week we'll go to {shopname} get lunch together. If it IS under the station you buy my lunch, and if it's not I'll buy yours.&quot; This gives immediate stakes while also stopping the need to argue about it in the meantime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not every argument needs to be &quot;The Hill you die on&quot; and by showing that you're willing to admit the possibility of defeat will hopefully make him think about the possibility that he is wrong. Of course, he may just double down and try and take advantage of your concessions in which case a different tack will need to be attempted (see other answers in that case.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T16:27:31.687" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15422" CreationDate="2018-06-12T18:40:05.867" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;You wash your hands BEFORE you flush?  I've never tried that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Verbally make the assumption that they DID wash their hands as though you can't even fathom that they wouldn't. But also point out why it's improbable they actually did so, in the form of a question.  The second part also implies the flush-handle is not sanitary itself (though admittedly doubtful that a non-hand-washer will actually catch that).  If you're lucky, the person will say &quot;oops&quot; or &quot;thanks&quot; and go back to ACTUALLY wash their hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can backfire if find yourself with a jerk who not only does not care about keeping sanitary but also doesn't care if you don't like it.  In such a case you'll just get &quot;yes&quot; as an answer; tact rarely works with such people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar, though perhaps not quite as tactful, and without a question form:&#xA;&quot;No need to conserve water.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, getting the horse back into the barn, is always harder than just keeping it there.  A better tack would be to let them know about some imaginary problem with your sink they need to watch out for when washing up, while they are on the way there.  The point being, there is (hopefully) only one reason to use the sink when you go poop, and you are incidentally reminding them about it.   &quot;The sink takes a while to get warm, just give it about 30 seconds.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17674" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T18:40:05.867" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-12T18:52:02.957" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's already some great answers to this question that I hope will work well for you. However, I'd like to offer an alternative possibility that worked well for me in a somewhat similar situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Consider getting some distance&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I grew up and lived in a similar situation of constantly arguing with my mom, although the reasons for doing so were different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom is an incredibly selfless and loving person, however she tried to micro-manage every tiny little detail of my life, and would &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; take &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt; for an answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, a simple question, &quot;Do you want cheese on your eggs?&quot;, to which I would answer, &quot;No thanks,&quot; would turn into a 30 minute argument. Now, I understand she was doing something for me, and looking back I did not always respond maturely to such acts. I don't want to get too deep into the situation, as it's not particularly relevant to your question; long story short, we were constantly arguing, with neither side willing to back down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I grew older, I learned to handle these situations more maturely and avoid them as best as possible. However, other than completely allowing my mom to micro-manage my life, there was no way to completely resolve this situation while living in her house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moving out into my own place and gaining independence mostly resolved the situation for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gaining some distance from my mom allowed the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First and foremost, there just weren't nearly as many opportunities to argue.&lt;/strong&gt; When you live with someone, you constantly interact with them, directly and indirectly. It went from dozens of interactions a day, all with the potential for conflict, down to a phone call every other day or so. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I felt better.&lt;/strong&gt; Part of the issue was just how tired and frustrated I was with arguing. Now that I had cut down the number of arguments by 90%, I was willing to be more open and forgiving in the remaining 10% of conflicts that arose. If things did get frustrating, I had a safe place to go to get away (my new home).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It forced us to choose what was important in our relationship.&lt;/strong&gt; Again, now that our time together was so limited, and we both missed each other, we had to prioritize how we spent that time. Neither of us wanted to waste time on arguing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Distance allowed both of us to view our relationship in a new perspective.&lt;/strong&gt; I believe a big reason why we argued so constantly, was because we had always been like that. We had developed such deep set habits over the 20 years we had spent together. Changing the nature of our relationship allowed us to break those habits.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if your situation is to this level, and I do have hope that if you apply the other answers that you can improve the situation. However, if you find that nothing seems to help the situation, getting some distance might.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Getting just a little space:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that &quot;getting some distance&quot; doesn't &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to mean moving out, although moving out and gaining independence may be the most effective way to do so. If you are tired of and frustrated with arguing, there are other ways of getting some space. You may consider spending less time at home (i.e. more time at school, with friends, or practicing hobbies). Perhaps you could find some partial arrangement, such as  staying at a friend's house a couple days a week. It could even be as simple as spending more time in a separate area of the living space from your father, such as your room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if these methods don't grant all the effects listed above, just having some space to breath and rest, and less potentially conflicting interactions with your father, could help the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3626" LastEditorUserId="3626" LastEditDate="2018-06-13T21:48:47.220" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T21:48:47.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15492" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15495" CreationDate="2018-06-12T19:28:25.327" Score="2" ViewCount="526" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a group of friends who I sit with on the bus. Usually, they have fun talking while I watch and listen, which I'm perfectly fine with. From time to time I join in to their conversation, which usually involves a fair amount of teasing (&amp;quot;banter&amp;quot;), which inevitably involves me at some point. One of the biggest reasons that I stay quiet is because I'm usually quite tired on the bus and can't come up with clever comebacks easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have absolutely no problem with their banter being directed at me, but I tend not to react much since I'm not that good at coming up with comebacks on the spot. For example, at one point this conversation took place:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend 1: (joke about me addressed to me)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: (doesn't really react, has a blank face for a moment since I wasn't expecting to be addressed)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend 1: Oh no, I didn't mean to offend you! I'm so sorry!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: No, it's ok, I'm not offended at all :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend however didn't seem to believe me and seemed to think that I was just brushing it off while being offended, so continued apologising. This resulted in another friend making a sarcastic and somewhat annoyed comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend 2: It's all fun and games till she (me) gets hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(In the UK, and also elsewhere I believe, people who &amp;quot;can't take the banter&amp;quot; are seen as annoying and wimpy/destroying the group's dynamic.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to avoid a similar situation again. How can I point out that I'm not offended in a convincing way? Preferably in a way that isn't overly serious so that I don't perpetuate the &amp;quot;delicate wimp who can't take a joke&amp;quot; perception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quick note: I am good friends with these people, and their perception of me as someone who can't take a joke is not one which they dislike me for or tease me about (if anything, they tease me less because they see me that way).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18495" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:38:52.937" Title="How can I reassure others that I'm not offended by their teasing?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;misunderstandings&gt;&lt;teasing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15407" CreationDate="2018-06-12T19:38:17.480" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, how do I get my parents to believe me, and avoid doing study on my holiday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People on this site often complain about &quot;One question per question&quot;, but putting these two questions together is important.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Why&lt;/em&gt; do you want to avoid studying on your holiday?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything from here down is a guess about you, but it is what I went through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to hazard that you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;dont find your studies very interesting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't consider your classes to be very important&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;could read your entire textbook, cover to cover, 5 times in your 2 week vacation. I don't think you're scared that you can't do the work, you are scared that you couldn't possibly fill 2 whole weeks with the subject matter in your classes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you're not wrong. Some classes can be downright boring, and a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of people find school to be very low-stakes. The simple fact that class work is not challenging is enough for many children to tune out. This is also why your mother seems so irrational about it. She sees the bar as being so low that she doesn't understand how you can get anything less than 100%. She probably thinks (correctly) that you are capable of things far beyond what you are required to do for school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to make another guess: Your mother was raised in another country and school system. If she were to shadow you in school, she would be &lt;em&gt;shocked&lt;/em&gt; at how little you are actually challenged. When I was your age, I (I still think correctly) thought that the mental effort of filling out those lame worksheets was more than actually figuring it out. I would look at the challenge, solve it in my head as fast as it could be read by my brain, decide it was stupid and not bother to fill it out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was stupid. I didn't do my work. That was also stupid. I didn't do well in school for several years.  My parents considered every option except for one: That the problem was not me - it was the school and the teachers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the gimmick: When your mom was in school, the challenge was the work. Your challenge is not the work - the bar is too low. Your challenge is self motivation.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be mitigated by having a good teacher. If you can find someone to teach you to &lt;em&gt;love&lt;/em&gt; a subject, you'll &lt;em&gt;learn&lt;/em&gt; it all on your own. Unfortunately, you can't always choose your teacher.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, consider your challenge to be this:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mother and teachers are trying to rob you of your education by teaching you to hate learning. They are robbing you of something very precious. Your teachers will crush you with their mediocrity and they won't even feel bad about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a few years, you will run across a real academic challenge, and instead of rising to the occasion, you might find that your brain doesn't have the strength - it has been stunted by the boring, half-assed education you had to suffer through years ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what you need to ask your mom:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of doubling down on the low-stakes mediocrity which is your normal school work, you need to be enrolled in extracurricular activities. These can be STEM if she wants, but they have to have 2 things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A motivated adult to teach you to love the subject&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A real challenge for your brain to struggle with&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her if she finds you these two things, you will promise to do better in school. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Either way, if she see's you excelling in the robotics club, maybe (maybe) she will let up about your grade in Spanish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user12067" LastEditorDisplayName="user12067" LastEditDate="2018-06-12T19:57:41.117" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T19:57:41.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15495" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15492" CreationDate="2018-06-12T19:41:51.870" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually find that the best way to assure someone that &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; jokes don't offend you is to make a joke of your own directed at yourself. This has the added benefit that the can be already prepared with a couple jokes since you know yourself more intimately than anyone else, and you know which things you could joke about that would be well received. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Directing a joke at yourself will help others understand that you have no problems handling jokes that are directed at you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;for example, after your friends apology you could say something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No problem! I'm just a little slow today and it took a couple seconds for my brain to catch up with your words!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, self deprecating humor has been linked to good social &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-5369579/Self-deprecating-humor-good-study-finds.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;health&lt;/a&gt; as well as general &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/files/attachments/95822/self-deprecating-humor-is-sexually-attractive.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;attractiveness&lt;/a&gt;, so it's a great interpersonal skill to develop!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T19:41:51.870" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15496" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15492" CreationDate="2018-06-12T19:56:55.177" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So from my understanding, you are good enough friends. Therefore is no requirement for reassurances. Even an assurance for such a trivial thing is not required. What is happening here is most likely your body language and/or facial experience exhibits something that they may take as you getting offended. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you are being addressed and someone makes a joke and everyone laughs and you do not, obviously it is seen as somewhat anti-group dynamics and being offended. Even if you have nothing clever to say, laugh along with them (or at least, smile!). You may even say something like, &quot;so true, how do you know?&quot; or &quot;You are so funny!&quot; (some sarcasm will be okay but do not overdo!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly look into yourself more, do you have RBF syndrome? (google it!) Do you feel uncomfortable when people talk about you and that is why you are not able to smile? Do you feel your contribution to the banter would be seen as lame/not smart by others? Understand these core issues of your thought process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a good friend or a family member who you trust, you can ask them to observe your body language and facial conversations so that you can work towards improving them. Many other resources are present for which internet is your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming back to your specific query, you should be working towards not even arriving at the reassurance conversation. If even one person thinks you are offended and makes some deal out of it, the fun goes out the window. Hence keep it light, go with the flow and if you do become center of attention, show some signs of life (jk) by saying something light or at least smiling and agreeing. Not responding (whether verbally or through body) at all will almost always been seen as signs of disapproval and getting offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, if the convo does go that way where people are continuously like &quot;are you offended?&quot;, you can say &quot;guys calm your titties down, I am not offended/bored/abcxyz, I just have RBF that's all&quot;. This may lead to a fun convo about that and you may even get this identity in your group. I had a friend who had RBF but she was a genuinely nice and funny person but most people used to think she was offended/angry even when she was talking about puppies! Key is not to let it go till the assurance/reassurance part and manage it with non-verbal communication cues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18779" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T19:56:55.177" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15422" CreationDate="2018-06-12T20:42:12.767" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know that there is a tactful way to tell an adult they should wash their hands after using the restroom. Even if I did take the initiative to tell them, (A) there is a strong chance they'll agree with every word I say whether they actually do it or not, and (B) there is no way to force them. When we have company, frequently I am outside or in another part of the house, so I would have no way to monitor such activities. I would probably put multiple hand sanitizer in various locations and hope for the best. That way if anyone suspected that a guest didn't wash their hands, they can take the initiative to use hand sanitizer every time they touch something that the other guest touched.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are several ways to not-so-tactfully tell a person to wash their hands, so the question is how important is it to you to be &quot;tactful&quot;? If the tactful-line is slowly diminishing, you could say something like, &quot;Joe, I'm not your Mom, but that was lightning fast...did you or did you not wash your hands...?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13909" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T20:42:12.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15501" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14706" CreationDate="2018-06-12T20:51:50.613" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone in that very position, I applaud you for caring enough to ask this question. The answer to your question is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry to hear that. I love you and I'm here for you if you ever&#xA;  want to talk about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if they take you up on it, just listen. Do not interject your thoughts or opinions. Be especially sensitive around Mother's Day and/or Father's Day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13909" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T20:51:50.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15505" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3658" CreationDate="2018-06-12T23:01:05.367" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I might be late to a party, but a very important point here is self respect. It is important to establish the point that you are her partner, not a friend, not a stranger, a PARTNER and you treat her well, but you also expect her to treat you well. It will be hard and tough to do so, you have to also prepare to walk away from the relationship if that's what you have to do. But once you take a leap and explain her that you will no longer tolerate that behavior, you will be much happier in your relationship with her or without.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14454" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T23:01:05.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15507" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-12T23:38:58.700" Score="1" ViewCount="418" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the past I was invited to a game of truth or dare, where you need to either answer a question truthfully, or perform a &quot;dare&quot;, both of which are set by other players. I was selected first, and as I did not know almost anybody there, I asked this girl what was her best friend. Then everbody laughed, as this question was too soft, and the goal was to ask more spicy questions. I was embarassed at this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then months later I was invited to another game with a totally different group. I thought I was prepared, so I asked to this girl I didn't know what was the color of her nipples. At this, she became extremely embarassed, and so did I. Apparently this was too much personal, or the group was expecting less naughty questions. I really don't know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: how can I participate in this kind of game, without embarassing myself or others? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8670" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T00:29:46.823" Title="What questions should I ask in a Truth or Dare game?" Tags="&lt;games&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-06-13T00:37:53.937" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-12T23:44:44.427" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I would not assume malice, and I would attempt to have a conversation with him where you state that this behavior is bothering you and see where it may be coming from.  You might find that he is reacting to a similar or otherwise hurtful behavior coming from you whether intentional or not (which you could resolve by modifying your own behavior), or that he is completely oblivious to his behavior.  At times, behavior like this can be mutually acknowledged but in an unspoken manner, and the exhibitor is waiting for the observer to acknowledge the behavior directly as a way to elicit some sort of communication about a topic that the exhibitor doesn't know how or want to express directly (kids sometimes do this by doing things they've been told and know is wrong in order to get the attention of their parents).  This waiting game is like a showdown that can go on forever or until one party gets tired of tolerating it (let it be you).  Whatever you do, don't antagonize him in this conversation—you don't want to shade the outcome of this conversation by giving him the impression he's already been pocked in your mind, and if he &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; having such communication issues, it's most helpful for him to be received warmly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that conversation does not work, then you can assume he's not willing to relent because he is receiving some sort of reward by behaving this way and his desire for this reward is somehow stronger than his desire to avoid making you feel uncomfortable (I'm sorry).  From a training perspective, you can try to reduce or eliminate the reward he seeks when he interjects with these comments.  Exhibiting behavior like this (when knowing it is causing others discomfort) can be seen as a desire to gain attention or recognition out of fear of being ignored or deposed from a position of authority (eg. Mr. Smartypants).  Take his fear and give it to him in place of the reward he seeks by ignoring or dismissing his comments (you can ignore by acting as though he never spoke or say something along the lines of &quot;hmm, interesting.  Anyways..&quot; and move along).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach can help you in two ways: By ignoring the comments, you don't allow the interjections to derail the point of your conversation (which everyone will appreciate) and you bypass his reward system (the tangential argument detour).  Additionally, you show that his comments in fact backfire and push him even further away from a position of authority and make his comments look completely uninteresting.  If he is in fact looking for opportunities to assert his intellect, he will have to find a new way that doesn't involve randomly asserting that your statements are false (hopefully by instead responding to your comments with interesting, supporting statements).  He might at first eventually become upset with being ignored, but ignore that too (it's undue, anyways).  Eventually you can hope he gets bored of being ignored and starts to find a new way to participate in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17420" LastActivityDate="2018-06-12T23:44:44.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15422" CreationDate="2018-06-13T00:15:46.550" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So what could I say or do next time to try to ensure that everyone&#xA;  washes their hands when they go to the bathroom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no tactful way to say anything, because it would immediately get interpreted as you taking on the role of their parent instead of an equal. (Look at &quot;Crossed Transactions&quot; in Eric Berne's &quot;Games People Play.&quot;) &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.ericberne.com/transactional-analysis/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;or look at this website about Berne and Transactional Analysis&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/wMuis.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/wMuis.png&quot; alt=&quot;A Crossed Transaction&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be less personal if you put up a sign,  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Thank you for washing your hands!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it's probably a lost cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;FWIW, in hospitals the recommendation is to wash hands, then use paper towels to open the door or manipulate anything else in the room.  If there's no lid to close (as in most institutional bathrooms,) flushing on your way out gets less &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?ei=ZV4gW8aLA42ksAWTwr7oAw&amp;amp;q=toilet%20flush%20bacteria%20in%20the%20air&amp;amp;oq=bacteria%20toilet%20flush%20&amp;amp;gs_l=psy-ab.3.2.0i22i30k1l5.371225.381310.0.392133.16.16.0.0.0.0.181.1373.15j1.16.0....0...1.1.64.psy-ab..0.16.1351...0j0i67k1j0i131k1j0i10k1.0.dlL0xdVEJvk&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Toilet plume&lt;/a&gt;&quot; (Ecch--Google it) on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12381" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T00:15:46.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15510" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-13T00:28:28.247" Score="3" ViewCount="397" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like a person on linkedin. He is a information security veteran and very knowledgable and famous person. When I reach out to him, he was very eager and generous towards me. I wish I could say him that he is cool. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: In above case how can I appropriately appreciate someone with whom I have a professional relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18787" LastEditorUserId="18787" LastEditDate="2018-06-13T00:43:16.553" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T02:58:48.443" Title="How to appreciate someone who is showing interest towards me?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-06-13T03:42:25.313" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15507" CreationDate="2018-06-13T00:29:46.823" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd take my cue from the other players.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to go first, ask something that's &lt;em&gt;mildly&lt;/em&gt; embarassing but has no intimate sexual context. I guess much depends on how old you are. You can use yourself as a test subject to vet possible questions. Asking a girl about her nipples is probably off limits when you consider that you likely wouldn't want a girl to ask about the size of your penis [assuming you're male], but being asked about your best friend wouldn't even cause you any discomfort, because that's something lots of people already know about you, and it usually isn't something you're not comfortable telling others about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So pick a question that you wouldn't usually want to answer, but that didn't seriously compromise you if you did answer it. Questions about social faux-pas, somewhat embarassing blunders or love interests etc might work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18732" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T00:29:46.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15512" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-13T00:32:56.520" Score="8" ViewCount="886" Body="&lt;p&gt;I realize that this topic has been covered (probably many times) before, but here is my situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My fiancè's sister has before her some unique challenges. First, she is handicapped (by her own definition) prior to sustaining a traumatic brain injury. I did not know her prior to this injury, so I cannot speak to how she was prior to her injury in terms of personality, personal habits and her interaction with other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is a lovely person and I do like her very much. I would appreciate her company even more if she would refrain from touching me. When I say &quot;touching me&quot;, I mean that she hugs, touches my hair, caresses my arms/shoulders/back, and basically follows me around until I'm cornered to again hug and kiss me on the cheek. I am a compassionate and empathetic person which means that I have kept this under wraps, about how I feel but it has now reached a point where a simple visit turns into a source of considerable stress for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I so very much wish to know how to get this across in a kind and polite way without hurting any feelings. Again,I cannot and will not be anything less than gentle and kind: I will try my best to avoid hurting any feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17759" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-06-13T01:34:20.803" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T12:15:45.103" Title="Personal Space, Boundaries and a &quot;Hands Off&quot; policy" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15513" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-13T00:46:04.313" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're right about the fights being about something else, not what they're ostensibly about. You demonstrated that with the comment about  &quot;Cats are extinct!&quot; Seems like it's more his issue than yours.  Is this new? Is he having problems in other areas?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In most cases his disagreements with my comments are off-topic. They&#xA;  seem to stem from a psychological need to be right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The questions for you are, can you figure out what these fights are about, and how should you handle them?  Is there an &quot;Elephant in the Room&quot; issue? What's the overall dynamic?  Is he uncomfortable with you growing up and becoming independent? Etc. You'll want to eventually deal with your own issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a talking therapist available at school or work, you might want to talk with them. Or, since you live in a country with a real health care system, talk w someone related to that. You don't have to be &lt;em&gt;in extremis&lt;/em&gt; to benefit from help talking about problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12381" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T00:46:04.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15514" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15448" CreationDate="2018-06-13T01:10:48.510" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Responses to these specific circumstances:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally the earlier answers should be your first choices and the latter options are for increasingly difficult individuals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A woman (who is married) told me directly that she feels a man who&#xA;  prefers singledom is not &quot;normal&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 1: ask her to explain herself. Ask &quot;Why do you think it isn't normal? What's wrong with prefering being single?&quot;. With any luck, getting her to express her opinion fully will highlight the flaws with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 2: ask why it matters to her. Ask &quot;You're happily married, so how exactly does my singledom affect you?&quot;. Again, with any luck she will realise she is being judgemental.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 3: &quot;Since when is it down to you to decide what is and isn't normal?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My supervisor (PI) told a female co-worker not to talk to me (she&#xA;  revealed this to me the other day and asked why he would say this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't explicitly state how/why this relates to the singledom issue.&#xA;Are you sure it's related?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you sure it's not because said supervisor thinks the opposite - that you are interested in said co-worker, and he is also interrested and thus sees you as faux competition?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this was related, document the issue (perhaps don't mention which coworker told you unless said coworker would be willing to back you up on the matter) and do not take it further unless the issue becomes repetative and you have some form of proof or more witnesses prepared to come to your defence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really that's a workplace issue, not an interpersonal issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A woman whose advances I purposely ignored is accusing me of being&#xA;  gay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As other answers have said, this woman is rationalising the rejection because the idea that you simply aren't interrested in her is too much to bear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 1: &quot;If I was gay, I assure you I would not be hiding the fact because there is nothing wrong with being gay. However I am not gay, I am straight. I am just not interested in long-term relationships.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 2: question her motives. E.g. &quot;Is that it then? I'm not interested in you, so the only explanation is that I must be gay? I'm sorry, but that sounds a little bit irrational to me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 3: question her accusation. E.g. &quot;I am categorically not gay, but if I were, would you have a problem with that? Do you have a problem with gay men?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;General suggestions:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't panic. Remain calm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of work-related issues, don't rush to HR, but document the incident somehow and if others are present, make it clear that your love life or lack thereof is not your colleages business and should not have an impact on your work life. State that your personal life is personal and you choose to keep it to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of more casual digs, turn the person's comments back on them by questioning their belief. Try to make them justify themselves. Most likely they will want to change the topic because they will not want to be questioned on the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other stances:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps consider maintaining the notion that you don't date coworkers and you don't discuss your love life at work. As long as you enforce that rule it acts as a facade for what your love life is actually like. Coworkers will never know whether you're seeing someone or not and you can fall back on the rule as a way to deter romantically interested coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding myself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in a similar position. I'm not in a heavily female environment and haven't been for some years, but I remain single purely because I have been single for so long that I've gotten used to the situation and have grown content with the way things are. Likewise, I don't find the stress that comes with relationships very attractive and have been accused of being gay in the past, at a time when it was less socially acceptable to be gay. (In hindsight I find it quite laughable.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T01:10:48.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15448" CreationDate="2018-06-13T01:19:54.840" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers give good suggestions for how to stop people from continuing to question you, however if your main concern is your relationship with your coworkers (and how to not be discriminated against), a softer response would work better.&#xA;Perhaps you could provide some backstory as to why you don't prefer relationships, even if you have to make it up. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My dad has had some really bad divorces and generally unhealthy relationships with women, so the idea of a relationship has always seemed negative to me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My parents had an arranged marriage and don't love each other. The concept of a romantic relationship still doesn't seem very realistic to me, so I've never tried to pursue one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This second one is pretty much my situation, although as a female in my early 20's I'm young enough that coworkers don't think it's weird that I'm not in a relationship.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully this will satiate people like the first woman (&quot;preferring singledom isn't normal&quot;) without offending them too badly. People with more traditional views on marriage are likely to take offense if you reject their traditions out of your own volition, but will be more accepting if you can provide a reason that's out of your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 2nd point about the supervisor is unclear to me. Does the supervisor have some sort of grudge against you? (This doesn't seem to be a gender issue since the female coworker was just repeating what the supervisor said.) Do you know any information beyond them telling your coworker not to talk to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the 3rd type (woman who accused you of being gay), I don't think there's much that can be done to combat their jealousy/arrogance, unless you want to use some kind of pretext like not wanting to date a coworker. Either way it would probably be better to nip in the bud and reject the first advances, instead of ignoring it and hoping they'll take the hint. It's pretty clear that that particular person doesn't have very good social skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17879" LastEditorUserId="17879" LastEditDate="2018-06-13T01:53:00.270" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T01:53:00.270" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-13T02:03:57.023" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;tl;dr&lt;/em&gt;-&lt;/strong&gt;  Given that this a parent you live with, you probably want to talk to them as a long-term solution strategy.  Then before the whole communication thing works out, you can deflect with humorous nonsense, apathy, or whatever else works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Step 1:  Talk to him about what's going on&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's a parent that you live with, it's probably best to have an honest conversation.  I mean you can try to manage it using strategies discussed in other answers and below in this one, &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; your relationship is far too close to not talk something like this out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might wait 'til a good time when you're alone and they've not under too much stress to just say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I just wanted to chat with you for a minute if you're up for it.  We've been having some back-and-forth at the dinner table, and I just want to make sure that we're on the same page with what's going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then if he's up for it, awesome: conversation time!  Otherwise, no pressure, just try to check back later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once it's conversation time, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what I wanted to chat about was some of the disagreement when we're telling stories at the dinner table.  For example, there was that time I was talking about a sign I saw on the road, and you were pretty insistent about some things like how my car couldn't be as wide as what I know it to be from the owner's manual [or whatever it was].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a one-time thing, it would've been a little weird, but when these things keep happening, I'm not sure what's going on.  Could you help me to understand what you mean when you say that something that happened didn't happen?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, a lot would depend on his response.  For example, if he laughs and says that he just likes to mess around with you, then that's one discussion.  Or if he says that he believes that you're a compulsive liar, then that's a very different discussion.  You might want to run through some of the possibilities in advance so you're ready for the different responses you think he might give.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tricks here include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's a talk about an interpersonal problem, so definitely want to keep it light-hearted and avoid language that could be mistaken for accusations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;While avoiding accusations, it's important to clearly lay out your concerns.  For example, in your shoes I'd be a bit worried about the mental well-being of someone who compulsively argues illogical points, even if they're doing so merely to be contrarian, so I'd be one to say something to the effect of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you say things like [&lt;em&gt;absurd argument&lt;/em&gt;], I get a bit worried that you might be losing touch with reality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the conversation starts turning heated, you can back off and try again later; no reason it needs to be done all in one go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He may not be sure why he's doing this stuff himself.  Going slow, keeping pressure minimal, and allowing for thinking time during the discussion can help to make it more reflective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ultimate goal here is to mutually figure out what's actually happening.  Often, that's plenty for mature adults to resolve an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Step 2: Managing on-going &lt;s&gt;symptoms&lt;/s&gt; incidents&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/15480/1563&quot;&gt;@BradC's answer&lt;/a&gt; suggested &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-Gray-Rock-Method&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;gray rocking&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;, i.e. deflecting contrarian arguments with apathetic disregard.  This seems like one possible approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a variant, I'd suggest humorously acknowledging their argument.  If you can pull it off, it can seem less harsh while also being a lot of fun (if you enjoy this sorta thing!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt;  So I was driving down the road and saw this sign that said cars that're more than 2.0m-wide can't drive in the left lane, which was a problem for me since my car's 2004mm-wide...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt;  Your car can't possibly be that wide!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt;  Okay, so I &lt;em&gt;thought&lt;/em&gt; the owner's manual said my car was 2004mm-wide, so...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt;  You couldn't have seen such a sign anyway, because that'd be an illegal sign!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt;  Okay, so I thought I saw an illegal sign that said[...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt;  You couldn't have seen an illegal sign because you're blind!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt;  Okay, so I hallucinated that I could see an illegal sign...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt;  You're on drugs now?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt;  Yeah, but it's cool, I only take the hardcore stuff when I want to hallucinate that I'm driving somewhere.  And, I mean, that imaginary illegal sign on the highway was really trippy!  But, it did worry me, because I thought that my owner's manual said that my car was too wide...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, yes – yes, if he started going on about how he was going to call the police for drug use, I'd start ranting about how they're in on the imaginary signs in the first place and how that's what the Illuminati &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; him to do, because Big Oil needed it for chem trails to hide [&lt;em&gt;more crazy nonsense&lt;/em&gt;].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I enjoy humorous nonsense and coming up with wacky stories in situations like that.  Then again, I enjoy humorous nonsense and coming up with wacky stories in a lot of situations; it helps me to keep a low profile so the CIA doesn't suspect that I know about their secret cameras.  But if that's not your speed, the apathetic-&amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;ok&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; strategy's on the table, or you might find some middle ground between 'em.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1563" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T02:03:57.023" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15512" CreationDate="2018-06-13T02:06:01.030" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my former partners worked with a wide variety of neurologically diverse folks in an informal art therapy environment, and this sort of physical boundary issue seemed pretty common. They were just a very touchy, feely, huggy bunch... Well... Some were very huggy and some would flip right out if they were touched...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that some were hyper-sensitive they had a few basic rules about physical contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Always ask if you can hug, or touch someone.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Respect the answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Smiling and waving is just as nice as a hug.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seemed to keep the peace for the most part, but reminders weren't uncommon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I would visit my partner at work, I was a little put off by the immediate request for hugs, I'm not exactly all that touchy feely. What I found that worked just as well, as far as making them happy and giving myself a little breathing room, was fist bumps. Particularly &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/pRmSwrI4YAE&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;exploding fist bumps&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt;, adding the little explosion sound effect at the end really seemed to make it something special and a few of them really got a kick out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for broaching the subject, it's usually fairly easy. Just keep it simple and honest. (One of my favorite things about interacting with neurologically diverse folks is that &amp;quot;simple and honest&amp;quot; usually works.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know we're friends n' all, but I feel a little crowded when people touch me without asking. Would you mind asking next time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Wait for an answer, worst case they'll question whether you still want to be friends)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course I want to be your friend, you're awesome, but awesome friends respect each other, sometimes that means asking before they hug. What do you think about that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is to explain it in terms they're likely to understand without coming across as standoffish or rude. They're not picking up on nonverbal cues, because they don't know how. &lt;strong&gt;So be verbal, just be gentle.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T12:15:45.103" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15510" CreationDate="2018-06-13T02:58:48.443" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, be sincere.  In other words, mean what you say.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, use your own voice.  Don't mimic others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thirdly, make it about him and not you.  Don't spend too much time talking about yourself if you're thanking him.  Focus on him, what he did, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally be brief.  If he's famous he gets tons of message and won't want to read paragraphs and paragraphs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think you're pretty cool for taking the time to help a newbie like me.  I hope I can be half as awesome as you one day. You're an inspiration to many - thank you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T02:58:48.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15448" CreationDate="2018-06-13T05:19:24.710" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To the people questioning your single status&lt;/strong&gt; - Why should you have to explain your single status to them anyway? If you say your single and they don't listen than thats their own problem. You can't make people's minds up for them. Simply say 'I have no reason to lie about my status...' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To the woman who says being single isn't 'normal'&lt;/strong&gt; - Just don't even pay attention to her... a 'normal' person wouldn't say something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To your supervisor&lt;/strong&gt; - That is very unprofessional... Your higher-ups shouldn't be saying things like this to begin with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you are over thinking this my friend. You have every right to be single and not be judged for it. You're young and just trying to progress your own life. There is no shame in that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you do now? Suggestions...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Brush it off&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't let these people bring you or your name down. Keep your head up. And, if they continue, confront them about why your status has anything to do with the workplace or THEIR lives.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Flip the question back on them&lt;/strong&gt;. Ask them why you need to be in a relationship? No one's relationship is perfect and I guarantee that all the people in relationships, at some point, wished they were single.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be blunt about it&lt;/strong&gt;. Just tell them you have no interest in a relationship at this point in time. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18791" LastEditorUserId="18715" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T07:47:43.353" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T07:47:43.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15522" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15530" CreationDate="2018-06-13T06:40:25.813" Score="25" ViewCount="10813" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently returned from visiting my girlfriend - we are in an long distance relationship. She started to feel very empty and depressed when I left. She cried a lot and told me she started to stress eat and feels it hard to focus on anything but the feeling of missing me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She usually focuses on her studies to keep busy, but now summer holidays are here and there isn't anything to really keep her mind of missing me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During my time with her, I introduced her to some computer games (to no avail) and also playing the piano (her father bought a keyboard at a flea market while I was there).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried asking her to make her own mission during the holidays like learning a song on the keyboard or trying to find a game she likes. (I admit that the games I introduced were not really her cup of tea. But she did like the puzzle platformer genre.) But she tells me she is unable to think about doing such things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; Is there any better approach to provoking interest in hobbies and activities other than just suggesting they try it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="521" LastEditDate="2018-06-14T12:22:17.563" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T13:45:29.717" Title="How to nudge girlfriend to find something meaningful during her summer holidays?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15527" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15422" CreationDate="2018-06-13T08:59:37.783" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, so as not to single one person out, you could pass around a bottle of hand sanitizer for everyone to use and say that there have been a lot of germs going around and you want to make sure everyone stays healthy; this can be further justified if you are sharing a bowl of snacks or passing around cards for your game. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, to be sure in the future of whether or not a person behind the closed door of your bathroom has washed their hands, you could buy a motion-sensing automatic soap dispenser like for example the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bol.com/nl/p/dettol-foam-magic-automatische-zeepdispenser-starter-aloe-vera-navulling-200ml/9200000071329279/?country=BE&amp;amp;Referrer=ADVNLGOO002033-G-56017519848-S-373892490142-9200000071329279&amp;amp;gclid=CjwKCAjwgYPZBRBoEiwA2XeupYK64qfHMVm0XDCIpukok1voe6p8mcvzT3QaAvVMVGB525Legh5KBRoC2NsQAvD_BwE&amp;amp;gclsrc=aw.ds&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;dettol automatic soap dispenser&quot;&lt;/a&gt;. We have one at home that we use to verify that our preschooler actually washes her hands - it makes a fairly loud noise as it dispenses the soap, which can be heard from our living room. If you hear it, you can generally assume your guest has actually washed their hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18799" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T08:59:37.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15522" CreationDate="2018-06-13T09:46:59.597" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everyone else has given great answers, but this is just a warning really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are hobby people others are not. It has taken my Mother until she is 70+ years old to realise that doing things by herself is enjoyable, this despite years and years of my sister going through the local paper showing her clubs and activities she could undertake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It turns out she did have a hobby for all those years &lt;strong&gt;moaning how bored and lonely she was&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If everyone else's answers lead to nought (which they would do with my mother) I would recommend you try to help her get a summer job, so she can save up for extra visits. This is the only thing which would have worked with my Mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She still complained she didn't have any friends, but at least she was busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T09:46:59.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15530" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15522" CreationDate="2018-06-13T10:20:08.623" Score="56" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Question: Is there any better approach to provoking interest in hobbies and activities other than just suggesting they try it?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you are going about this the wrong way. She is lonely and wants to spend time with you. I think the best way to provoke interest in a hobby is to start a hobby that involves &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; in some way. For instance, you said she plays piano and you want to encourage her to get into it, why not start learning an instrument at the same time? Then you could play songs together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in a LDR before, here are a couple of the things we did together:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Watch a top 100 movie list:&lt;/strong&gt; We would watch the films that one of us had seen alone and watch films neither of us had seen together on skype.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Start a minecraft world together&lt;/strong&gt;: This is nice as you get to do something constructive together but can also log in and play by yourself to help both of you out. You said she like puzzle platformer games, find some co-op ones on steam to play together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18317" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T10:20:08.623" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15531" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15280" CreationDate="2018-06-13T10:28:47.303" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I absolutely will not pass judgement on any of your personal choices, but to discuss this properly I need to be frank - homeschooling, natural medicine and the anti-vax movement &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; controversial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are exercising your freedom to make your own choices, which in itself is very laudable. Your decisions differ from those of the majority, which also is no bad thing. I also believe that the desire to follow our peers can be a hindrance to our enjoyment of life as it teaches us to do what others expect us to do instead of what we actually would like to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, you have to accept that going against the flow of the majority is difficult. It is comparable to swimming upstream, or walking alone through a crowd heading in the opposite direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;majority&lt;/em&gt; of people accept the weight of scientific evidence on conventional medicine. Many of that majority realise there are concerns such as industry interference, but still go along with whatever is currently recommended, including vaccinations. Likewise, a &lt;em&gt;majority&lt;/em&gt; of people send their children to school with many accepting that it isn't a perfect system but still believing that any exposure to negative elements may in the long run be beneficial life experience for dealing with the negative aspects of adult life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the hostility and suspicion that you encounter along the way is because &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; people find it very hard to justify their own choices when they haven't thought them through properly. Hearing you talk about your decision and the thought you put into it challenges them because they &lt;em&gt;haven't&lt;/em&gt; thought about it, and that makes them uncomfortable. Also, as I previously stated, there are others who &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; thought about these things but still just &quot;go with the flow&quot; despite minor doubts about the school or healthcare systems. Your choices also challenge them, perhaps invoking a degree of guilt in themselves for suppressing their own doubts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must know and accept this if you are going to follow any &quot;alternative&quot; life choices, because while these kind of choices are evidence that you are in control of your own family's life, you cannot control anybody else's life &lt;em&gt;nor their feelings&lt;/em&gt;. So if others do take issue with them that is largely out of your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you stopped reading at this point you could quite easily walk away with an inflated self-belief that you are right and everybody else is wrong. I don't feel that is the whole picture you should walk away with. You also need to think about how you &lt;em&gt;present&lt;/em&gt; these choices to others - in fact, you should consider whether you should talk about them with others &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;[Our family] don't like talking about Catholicism, homeschooling or natural medicine or midwifery much either, so maybe we don't have a ton in common, but it seems like vaccinations are used as a scapegoat for their absence.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would imagine that you have &lt;em&gt;loads&lt;/em&gt; in common with them! First of all, you are family, and you have a ton of history together. Secondly, you have kids, and there are countless family activities that you could enjoy together. You could be making new memories with your extended family - things that you and your kids could be talking about for years! Instead it sounds like &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; want to talk to them about your decision to homeschool or your homeschooling experiences, your decisions on healthcare, and your faith - things that you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; make you &lt;em&gt;different&lt;/em&gt; from them! And then you declare that you have nothing in common.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just as some people avoid talking about things that challenge their choices, others &lt;em&gt;constantly&lt;/em&gt; talk about the decisions they have made because they have to continually convince themselves as much as others that they made the right decision. If you say that isn't the reason you talk about these things then fine - but &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; talking about them will be a demonstration of your confidence. File them alongside all the other personal, private choices that we make but don't need to discuss with everybody else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In conclusion, my advice to move forward in your relationship with your extended family is to try and cut down or even eliminate talking about the things on which you don't agree and likely never will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice to tackle your immediate question of &quot;how to tell&quot; if they are avoiding you over the vaccination issue, or anything else would be to contact them and invite them over. If they decline, then ask why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't directly give a reason but you still suspect it is the vaccination issue, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We can't help but feel you've been avoiding us recently, which makes us really sad. Our kids miss your kids! Please, if there is a reason why you might be avoiding contact we'd like to know so that we can try and fix things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they respond to this, or if they come right out and say from the start it is the vaccinations, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I won't go into the details behind our decision not to vaccinate our children, because I respect that you may have a different opinion. In short, we don't have confidence in vaccinations, but if you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have confidence in them then you must believe your vaccinated kids are safe, so there's really no reason why our kids shouldn't play together. Your kids can't catch anything from ours because you've immunised them, and our kids can't catch anything from yours for the same reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is the best approach because (i) it does not compromise your own principles, (ii) it respects theirs, and (iii) to a degree it also tests &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; your beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be right in your beliefs, but nobody likes people who are insufferably smug. I'm not insulting you - I cannot believe that anyone who puts as much thought as you have into your children's welfare would not be a decent person. But perhaps your enthusiasm about these things has overcome your ability to see how others perceive that enthusiasm. If you want to make different life choices &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; still be liked and accepted by others, you need to keep a little back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-06-13T10:39:35.417" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T10:39:35.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15532" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-13T11:52:39.093" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As an alternative, avoid bringing up topics when he's around&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a person likes to argue about everything, an alternative is to simply stop talking about topics that are likely to trigger an argument when they are present (if this is most things, then you will have to keep largely silent).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask you why, then you will want to mention you're not interested in arguments and therefore do not feel you can maturely discuss topics with them (they will likely then argue - which you can point out as self-demonstration and continue to avoid talking).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will have to weigh up which they prefer more: talking with you without arguing, or silence and no arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not perfect, and you won't be able to always avoid discussions, but the first step to avoiding arguments is to not give them any fuel in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18052" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T11:52:39.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15535" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4275" CreationDate="2018-06-13T13:59:20.173" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an introvert and need &quot;me time&quot; but when I first started dating my girlfriend, I was disconcerted by her being fine doing her own thing.  In fact, she's like you, and needs time to do her own thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I've learned is that she really does care about me, she really enjoys being with me, but she also has her own interests and things that she wants to do, just as I do.  We now live together, we enjoy doing things together, we've learned to enjoy some of each other's hobbies.  When we are together, we are together, enjoying and communicating But we've also learned that having &quot;me&quot; time is necessary, and when the other person is busy or engaged in a project, we leave them alone.  I think our relationship is stronger &lt;strong&gt;because we are willing to let each of us being independent people&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not a bad sign that you don't want to be together 24x7.  When you are with your girlfriend, be really with her, not looking at the phone.  Enjoy the time together.  But also make it clear that you need some &quot;me&quot; time.  It may just take some time for her (as it did for me) to understand that time apart doesn't detract from the relationship.  And that that time apart gives her a chance to be herself, independent of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T13:59:20.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15538" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-13T15:46:56.643" Score="6" Body="&lt;h1&gt;TL:DR&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to change your definition of 'win'. Since he doesn't mind creating an argument over facts he cannot know, like the shop in the station, his goal is not to be right but something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Long Version&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the argument has already begun, the simple solution is to agree with him and go on.  If you want to avoid these situations, you might need to consider what he might be getting out his seemingly illogical actions. Below is my explanation as to why I think your father's motivations are all too human and that may help in dealing with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I was reading &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/15508/12125&quot;&gt;acidnbass's answer&lt;/a&gt; I was going to comment but then realized that I might have a useful answer myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering your father's behavior, I began to ask myself, &amp;quot;what is he getting out of his behavior, what is the reward?&amp;quot;  While that might be a good question to present directly to your dad, as in&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;:    I saw a silly sign about cars over 2.0m wide&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Father&lt;/strong&gt;: That can't be right!&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Ok, maybe I'm wrong, how is that important?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or a variation if you want to avoid a confrontation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: We can check later, continuing with my story ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other examples you gave have a similar opportunity in them, like the shop under the station.  While it is disconcerting to you that he is challenging you about an obvious fact, he may be inadvertently revealing something about the way he sees the world or even his place in it.  Maybe he dislikes change and in his head the station is forever to be just as it was during his last visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in taking this further, it occurred to me that your father may be wrestling with two opposing things that have you (yes, YOU) at the center.  First, as you grow up he has to face the inevitability that his role as being the provider (of information in this case) in your life will change; he would not be the first father to not handle this gracefully. Second, as it becomes more apparent to him that you will soon move out, he could realize that he will miss interacting with you and his current reactions are a symptom of wanting said interaction, his problem is that he knows he can get it in this negative way; somewhat like a child acting out to get attention.  While of course your father is not a child, we should not ignore the fact that as humans we sometimes are not entirely honest with ourselves including wanting to hide our own motivations assuming those are conscious, when those desires are unconscious they can drive behaviors that are hard to decipher, which seems to fit the bill here but I'll let you be the judge of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12125" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T19:20:15.363" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15541" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15542" CreationDate="2018-06-13T16:49:13.430" Score="73" ViewCount="26996" Body="&lt;p&gt;A situation came up with my girlfriend where I drove her to an event that she needed to go to that was a two hour drive away (so a four hour round trip). After we got back, I charged her for half of the gas that it took to make the trip and she immediately challenged my request. She reasoned that we both made the trip together so it wasn't entirely for her and that none of her previous boyfriends had ever charged her for things like gas money. After a bit of arguing she ended the talk by telling me that I need to be better at &amp;quot;conflict resolution&amp;quot;. We have only been dating for a few months now and I don't want to cause an unnecessary fight, but I feel strongly that it is fair that I ask her for gas money. I recognize that I will most likely be the one driving us on all of our future trips so I would like to clear this up before the next event takes place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to avoid conflict, but I also would like for her to understand and realize what it means to be fair in a healthy relationship. How can I talk to my girlfriend about paying for future trips when she was upset after I asked the first time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Additional information from comments&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We do not have a joint account and probably will not open one for the foreseeable future. It is a bit too early for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am asking how I should go about still trying to get gas money from this latest trip and set the tone for future trips as well since I believe splitting costs like gas money is fair in an equal relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I would totally be okay with suggesting that she drive next time. The only concern that I have in that case is how quick she was to challenge me when I asked her to split gas money as well as how she brought up the fact that none of her ex's ever asked for gas money. I haven't had an exclusive conversation with her about what traits an 'equal relationship' have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The event was almost entirely for her purposes, I am just tagging along to spend time with her and give her a ride. She just prefers that I drive since it is less stressful and usually works out better logistically. Neither of us are broke but I think it is reasonable that we share the dating expenses in the case that it isn't one of us doing something special for the other (e.g. birthday dinner, gift, etc...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10967" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-12-03T10:08:18.800" Title="How can I ask my girlfriend to split gas money for a long trip?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15541" CreationDate="2018-06-13T17:35:30.980" Score="167" Body="&lt;p&gt;You talk about having a &quot;fair [...] healthy relationship.&quot; I'm speaking from experience when I tell you that if you focus on every little thing that you've done and she hasn't, the relationship isn't going to last.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you went out of your way and did something really nice for you girlfriend. It took a lot of your time and some of your money. If I were in a relationship and my SO did this, it would be very endearing and make me want to repay the favor in other ways. But if they then asked me to pay for this favor, it would immediately sour the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do favors like this without asking anything in return, you're investing in the relationship. These kind of things encourage more favors and kindness, which encourage more and the cycle continues, hopefully resulting in a loving happy relationship where favors flow freely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, trying to quantify everything you do and keep track of the &quot;fairness&quot; of the relationship is a recipe for disaster. Everything nice you do will be seen as having an ulterior motive or need to be paid back later since it will be implied that you're keeping track.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of this drive as buying her dinner or a nice present. You wouldn't ask her to pay for half of those things after you gave them to her, would you? This is an investment into the relationship and it was a chance for you to spend some time alone together in the car on top of it all! Drop the talk of &quot;fairness&quot; and enjoy the time you have together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this may be a regular thing and so you want to set a precedent. If so, I'd say still treat this first one like a gift. If you're expecting someone to pay for something (no matter the situation), both parties need to be clear that what is occurring is a transaction and not a favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I had fun driving you and I'm glad I got to do that for you, but if we do this often, the gas prices might start adding up. I'd be happy to keep driving you, but could we split the gas for future trips?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here you're making it clear the first trip was on you, as that wasn't discussed, but you're also giving her a way out and letting her choose to pay you (as opposed to charging her after the fact).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2019-11-07T21:58:14.017" LastActivityDate="2019-11-07T21:58:14.017" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15541" CreationDate="2018-06-13T19:15:20.093" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's focus on the future.  You aren't a taxi, so asking for detailed amounts of gas money seems to be penny-pinching.  You gave her a long ride and hit her with a bill afterward.  That's over and done.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you do all the driving without a contribution toward something, that's not fair to you, either.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd sit down with her and ask her to help you figure this out.  Her ex-boyfriends are precisely that - EX-boyfriends.  They're not relevant.  What matters right now is the two of you.  I'd suggest this: suggest alternating driving to events.  &quot;You drove to [x]; I'll drive to [y]&quot; (I don't read that you're the only one with a car.)  &quot;I drove last time; I'd like to have you drive this time.&quot;  That worked out in the past with my friends and my (now) wife.  Then it's not about money, it's about taking turns.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't have a car, then I'd suggest taking turns filling up the gas tank.  And for Heaven's sake, discuss that &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; you agree to take her anywhere.  Focus on getting gas, not asking for money.  Then your discussion is about doing something, not money.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T19:15:20.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15448" CreationDate="2018-06-13T19:23:17.080" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there is an implied prejudice in people questioning your marital status. They assume that having a relationship is the norm and not having it is due to something wrong with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To deflect that you can use a quote that I hear often from people on the situation you described:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Single yes, but never alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds to me like a somewhat ironic way to deflect questions about your marital status. It makes clear that it's your &lt;em&gt;option&lt;/em&gt; not to have a relationship and it also makes clear that you have occasional relationships, showing that there is nothing &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt; with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4426" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T19:23:17.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15547" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15551" CreationDate="2018-06-13T19:37:18.153" Score="-4" ViewCount="563" Body="&lt;p&gt;My charity asked me to treat a  donor to a lunch. My charity recommends a modest, but respectable restaurant that befits its pre-tax budget of $100/guest for lunch, unless the donor specifies one. My charity assumes that guests know to limit their order, as the charity's paying.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My bill was $80. But the donor's was $500, mainly because of 1 expensive bottle of wine. To avoid upsetting him and looking stingy, I said nothing and never revealed the budget. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My charity learned from experience that they can't take donors to cheaper restaurants, which had made some donors feel belittled.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-06-15T02:33:27.547" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T07:43:26.607" Title="How can I ask a guest to order within my budget at a restaurant?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14742" CreationDate="2018-06-13T20:12:35.293" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't make a comment at this time but I would like to build upon what Ben said a bit, specifically &quot;inviting just one or two friends over when she is in the mood&quot;. I think this would be an excellent strategy for you to take. It sounds like every time you and your friends get together its is in a rather large group, where you are the only person she knows.  To you this is a large group of welcoming friends who you have known for years and who in some instances may have known each other for years. For someone new to your group and its dynamic it could be very intimidating attempting to fit in, even if the group is extremely welcoming the social pressures of a large group are much greater than smaller meetings. In fact depending on the closeness of the group it could make matters worse, as she may feel like she is an interloper within your group (regardless of what you might say to assure her she isn't or how open your friends are to her, anxiety does not care and may create its own illogical narrative). compound that with what i'm guessing is an introverted personality and it makes what is already an intimidating situation worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion to you is to start small, have smaller couple on couple meet ups with just one other couple. This will allow her to get a better understanding of some of the people in the group, in an environment that is more comfortable to her. Even knowing one other couple in the group better before attempting to integrate her into the full group can go a long way to making her feel more comfortable. From there you can even employ some tactics to gently convince her to come out. &quot;Hey the gang is wanting to go to the bar for drinks tonight, Darhma and Greg will be there and said they would save us a seat next to them if you want to go&quot;. Essentially the more people you can introduce her to outside of the larger group setting , the more comfortable she may be within that setting.        &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18811" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T20:12:35.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15541" CreationDate="2018-06-13T20:21:24.170" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;First question, do you want her to pay for because of budgetary reasons or because you feel she needs to give more -- like she's kind of taking advantage of you?  Or maybe you feel she is not appreciative and just expects it from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on my experience -- two things... As a woman, I love when a guy pays for everything (just the simple truth).  But I also realize that many guys are not in the situation where they can do so.  If they can, then I hope they do -- and then I try to do special things for them to show my appreciation so they don't feel like they're doing all the giving.  And if they can't, I will offer to offset some portion of &quot;our costs&quot; depending on his financial situation.  Each couple has their own dynamic.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly, you should do what is right for YOU.... whether you don't want to pay for it all because you sense she is mostly a taker ... or if you have a tight budget... you DESERVE to feel good about it.  Don't let society make you feel that you SHOULD pay for it.... If you don't feel good about doing it, the relationship is not going to be pleasant anyway.  Even though I like when a guy pays, I feel badly if he doesn't have the money and pays -- I want him to feel good to.... And YOU deserve to feel great and only pay when you wish to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to be honest with her and let the chips fall where they may... Tell the truth to her about &quot;I really don't have that in my budget, and I'd rather spend what I do have on other fun things -- not just paying for gas.&quot;  OR  something like.... &quot;I know that you say other guys paid for the gas all the time. I get it.  All I can tell you is that it's something that I don't feel good about... I'm happy to take you to dinner sometimes and do what I can, but this feels more like RENT or something.... or like an AIRPLANE ticket....  I just don't feel good about it and on this thing, I would like us to split it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be calm and cool and express yourself.  If she gets rude, then again, just look deeper for yourself -- Is it because you can't really afford it /don't want to use your entertainment $$ on gas? (if yes, tell her that). .... And if you feel like she's not as giving, then tell her:  &quot;I feel like you EXPECT me to do a lot of things... and I would like to work as a team... Sometimes I feel like you don't appreciate what I DO give...&quot; -- Be HONEST. Stand your ground. Be CALM and cool and authentic.  Good luck, my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18812" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T20:21:24.170" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7371" CreationDate="2018-06-13T21:00:20.717" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd suggest you &lt;strong&gt;talk around the subject first&lt;/strong&gt;.    &lt;strong&gt;See what your&#xA;  dad wants.&lt;/strong&gt; Tell him you're interested in family information you&#xA;  might find thru DNA research. You could say, &quot;Some of this could be&#xA;  uncomfortable or unsettling,&quot;  and &lt;strong&gt;add an open ended question&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  like, &quot;Is that something you'd be interested in?&quot; or &quot;If I find&#xA;  anything like that, would you want to know?&quot;  and just wait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably a moot point after all this time, but....  One of my professors in med school told the story of a deathly ill young man who had been admitted to the hospital. He knew he was really sick. A CBC (blood count/analysis) told the diagnosis within hours--acute myelogenous leukemia, back in the day when there was no good treatment, and ~100% death rate within weeks.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When the prof walked in the room, the man shouted, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Don't tell me I have leukemia!!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; --Showing of course that he knew, but didn't want to be hit with the word and the terrible associations. Sometimes people know, but they don't want to be confronted with knowing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From experience giving bad/difficult/uncomfortable news, I'd suggest you &lt;strong&gt;talk around the subject&lt;/strong&gt; first.    See what your dad wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him you've done (or planning to do?) DNA testing and you're curious to find out about relatives, and mention that people have discovered relatives they didn't know about, children out of wedlock or switched at birth, secret marriages, and all sorts of unexpected family history. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you could say, &quot;Some of this could be uncomfortable or unsettling,&quot;  and add an open ended question like, &quot;Is that something you'd be interested in?&quot; or &quot;If I find anything like that, would you want to know?&quot;  and just wait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;?Tell us how this works out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT- SOURCED-&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Psychology Today&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201507/5-ways-deliver-bad-news-minimum-pain&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;5 Ways to Deliver Bad News With a Minimum of Pain&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;New research reveals why it's so hard, and a path to making it easier.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That most people have difficulty communicating bad news is reflected&#xA;  in what’s called the MUM effect (“keeping mum about undesirable&#xA;  messages”). In research on the MUM effect, Hope College’s Jason Dibble&#xA;  and colleagues (2015) define bad news as &quot;a message communicating&#xA;  information that is previously unknown to the receiver, is anticipated&#xA;  to be personally relevant to the receiver, and is perceived by the&#xA;  delivery agent to be negatively valenced by the receiver”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201507/5-ways-deliver-bad-news-minimum-pain&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;From these studies, it seems that there is no one best way to convey&#xA;  bad news, but these 5 principles should provide some guidance:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;1   &lt;strong&gt;Tell at least part of the truth if you think the person needs to hear&#xA;  it.&lt;/strong&gt; Whether it’s a bad health prognosis or the need to let an employee&#xA;  you’re firing know how to avoid repeating the trouble in the future,&#xA;  there are situations when you can provide help to the person receiving&#xA;  the negative message.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;2   &lt;strong&gt;Sugarcoat it if you think the person can’t&#xA;   handle it.&lt;/strong&gt; (“It’s me not you.”) It may take you a while to frame the&#xA;   right way to create a positive spin, but it will be worth the&#xA;   investment, particularly if the individual seems vulnerable or&#xA;   fragile.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;3    &lt;strong&gt;Follow the principles of politeness theory.&lt;/strong&gt; It’s important&#xA;  for you to help the recipient save face when the bad news involves a&#xA;   potential threat to their self-esteem. You may have to develop a cover&#xA;   story in order to preserve the person’s reputation to the outside&#xA;   world, even if you and the other person know the actual reasons behind&#xA;   your decision.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;4   &lt;strong&gt;Take your time to prepare your message.&lt;/strong&gt; There is more&#xA;   effortful cognitive processing involved in presenting people with bad&#xA;   news. Make sure you consider carefully the meaning and possible&#xA;   interpretations of your words. Once certain words are said they’re&#xA;   impossible to take back, so don’t rush into an explanation just for&#xA;   the sake of getting it over with.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;5 &lt;strong&gt;Rely on others to help you.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;   Without blaming others or delegating the dirty work, keep in mind the&#xA;   Igier study’s findings and consider bringing relevant other players&#xA;   into the picture. It may be the other members of a work team, an&#xA;   individual’s family, or even someone impartial to provide moral&#xA;   support to both you and the recipient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good thing about PT is how it presents research info in an informal, conversational style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now a little drink from the fire hose....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/OwZfq.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/OwZfq.png&quot; alt=&quot;Masthead J Educ and Health Promotion&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4113982/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Medical training for communication of bad news: A literature review&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;guidelines divide the interaction basically into three steps: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(a)&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;Preparation&lt;/strong&gt; for communication of the news, establishing personal&#xA;  contact, and the degree of knowledge of the patients regarding the&#xA;  diagnosis and extent of the information they want to receive &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(b) &lt;strong&gt;the&#xA;  information itself&lt;/strong&gt;, with appropriate language and rhythm, and &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(c) &lt;strong&gt;an&#xA;  empathic response&lt;/strong&gt; to the reaction of the patient. Besides guiding the&#xA;  verbal content that should be expressed, the guidelines take into&#xA;  account the nonverbal impact of the quality of communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/TGoTW.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/TGoTW.png&quot; alt=&quot;Masthead CA: A Cancer Journal for Clinicians&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.3322/caac.20022&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;SPIKES: A Framework for Prognostic Discussions&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The SPIKES protocol&#xA;  provides an organized framework for prognostic conversations, and&#xA;  indeed for many other examples of “bad news” conversations. In&#xA;  addition, in 2007 the Journal of the Australian Medical Association&#xA;  published the Clinical Practice Guidelines for Communicating Prognosis&#xA;  and End‐of‐life Issues with Adults in the Advanced Stages of&#xA;  Life‐Limiting Illness and Their Caregivers, which has expanded&#xA;  communication guidelines similar to those proposed in SPIKES, but also&#xA;  includes recommendations for addressing the issue of &lt;strong&gt;hope&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Recommendations for prognostic disclosure, based on studies of patient&#xA;  preferences, guidelines, and expert opinion are described below,&#xA;  following the SPIKES format.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Table 4. SPIKES: Six‐Step Protocol for Breaking Bad News&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;SPIKES    PROTOCOL &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;S: Setting&lt;/strong&gt; Prepare yourself emotionally for the&#xA;  anticipated conversation. Obtain all relevant laboratory, pathology,&#xA;  and radiologic data, and speak with collaborating providers. Formulate&#xA;  your prognostic estimate. Include pertinent persons such as the&#xA;  healthcare proxy and family or friends; also consider inviting&#xA;  collaborating providers. Prepare the physical environment. (Are there&#xA;  enough chairs, and are tissues available?) Limit interruptions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;P:&#xA;  Perception&lt;/strong&gt;  Find out what the patient understands about his or her&#xA;  disease and situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;''What is your understanding of your health situation?''&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;p&gt;the current state of your cancer?''   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;p&gt;the reason we ordered the recent PET/CT?''   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;p&gt;your progress during this hospitalization?''   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;p&gt;your biggest concern at the moment?''&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I:  Invitation/Information&lt;/strong&gt;    Ask the patient what kind of information they&#xA;  would like to receive. “Are you the type of person who likes to know&#xA;  details or numbers, or do you prefer more general information?” “How&#xA;  much would you like to know?” &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;K: Knowledge&lt;/strong&gt;   Provide information in&#xA;  clear, nonmedical language targeted to the patient's educational level&#xA;  and information preferences. Acknowledge limitations of prognostic&#xA;  estimates.  ''Every person is different. I can only tell you&#xA;  what usually happens to patients in your situation, not exactly what&#xA;  will   happen to you.'' Check for patient understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;E: Emotion/Empathy&lt;/strong&gt;    Acknowledge patient emotions. Use NURSE acronym to&#xA;  remember ways to respond to emotion.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;N: Name  &#xA;    U: Understand  &#xA;    R: Respect  &#xA;    S: Support  &#xA;    E: Explore &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Answer questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;S: Summarize/Strategize&lt;/strong&gt;    Summarize and check for patient understanding.&#xA;  Assess patient goals. Avoid abandonment by establishing a follow‐up&#xA;  plan for patients and caregivers that ensures regular contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://cjon.ons.org/cjon/21/5/breaking-bad-news-evidence-based-review-communication-models-oncology-nurses&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Breaking Bad News: An Evidence-Based Review of Communication Models for Oncology Nurses&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19190099&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Preferences of cancer patients regarding communication of bad news: a systematic literature review.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12381" LastEditorUserId="12381" LastEditDate="2018-06-17T18:54:04.110" LastActivityDate="2018-06-17T18:54:04.110" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15547" CreationDate="2018-06-13T21:00:26.373" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The whole framing of this question is wrong. It isn't clear what location you are in, but in my city I don't think you could find a $500 meal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First - The limit depends on the donor. If the donor just gave $10 million to the charity than a $500 lunch should be fine. If the donor just gave a $100 then the lunch is a loser. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second - How was the invitation extended? The invitation should set the expectations. Perhaps you could offer choice between several restaurants with a specific meal at each. Or perhaps a single restaurant with 3 choices. A price range is another option. I entertained a lot many years ago and a large unexpected lunch bill would have had my boss blow his stack. I typically ordered first to set a unspoken price range on the meal. Something mid-range. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third - It is unclear who you are in this charity and why you are doing the entertaining. Is this just a &quot;thank you&quot; lunch, or were you to to discuss some specific ideas about the charity? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourth - I'd be inclined to indicate on the invitation that alcoholic drinks were not included, especially if you and the donor would be driving to the restaurant. Drunk driving is a significant problem in the US. You don't want charity in a legal mess where the donor got drunk and had a serious accident after the meal. (This may not make the overall meal cheaper. My experience was that we either ate or drank about $100 each.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So all in all the charity's policy for such meals needs to be more carefully thought out. But all in all I can't imagine that a serious donor, that is who believes in some cause, wants to see all the donated money spent on entertainment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6584" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T21:00:26.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15462" CreationDate="2018-06-13T21:11:15.187" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is just a thought, but do you know that there are things which take energy, and things which give energy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You girlfriend is studying (which takes energy) and is working (which is also taking energy), but what is giving her energy?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I might hope that you are giving her energy, and that you are glad having this effect on her, but you can't impossibly give enough energy for all her energy-takers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just ask her: what would give her extra energy, in order for her to feel even better than just waiting for you to arrive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3969" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T21:11:15.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15541" CreationDate="2018-06-13T21:17:40.260" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems like there are factors involved with this that might not be inherently obvious. Nobody can deny that you've invested time and money to take your girlfriend to an event that you likely didn't need to attend at all. If she had the capability to take her own car or ride with someone else, she would have likely feel more financially obligated to the trip. The same if you had taken a friend, coworker, or classmate; you'd expect to have them cover most of the personal expenses for helping take them to their event. Although, in that situation, the discussion should happen prior to the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing with relationships is that every action is a form of investment. Whether you're taking the time to talk with her; carving out some of your day to do an activity; or you're paying for a trip, it's all benefiting the end goal of building your relationship closer. If this were to end with you sticking it out long term, marriage makes it so neither of you really have your &quot;own&quot; money anymore, so it'd be moot to ever ask in that situation. This doesn't mean that you should overly burden yourself or feel like you're giving so much more than she does. It seems justified that you feel like the financial loss of the trip is worthwhile to approach her and try to recouperate at least half of the cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Approach is Key&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way that you structure your sentences and the words you use will play a drastic role in how willing the other person is going to with you. You use the word &quot;&lt;em&gt;charged&lt;/em&gt;,&quot; which is a pretty strong word that makes it seem more like a demand or forced debt that she has, even though she had no reason (from her perspective) to see it coming. Another factor is her life experiences growing up. If she's under the impression that gender/relationship roles (e.g. men are responsible for A, B, C; women are responsible for X, Y, Z) are a thing that she expects, then your ability to fix this situation will hinge on if you can bridge that. To her, she may expect that you will cover more of the expenses in the relationship, which may also have appeared if you've went out to the movies or dinner together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, it feels like there are two ways you could have approached her to try and receive some money for gas: logically or emotionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Logically:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most obvious retort I'd have given was that you would agree that both of you took the trip together and that it was a great experience... however, only one of you paid for the trip. You could argue that you're willingness to still pay for half is your acceptance that you both gained something from the trip (bonding experience, mainly). Other answers provided good points that you could pose that she pays for the next 4 hours of traveling costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Emotionally:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using lighter words that draw sympathy or have her feel in control of the decision may result in a more promising response. Somewhere along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;I was looking back at how much we spent on the trip yesterday and I was surprised to see that we went through $60 in gas. That's quite a bit of money to just get to and from the event. Is there any way you'd be able to contribute towards that cost in some way? Part of my wallet hopes that we could meet somewhere along the middle. Really anything would help, but I just want to make sure we both feel at ease over the expenses we paid.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's more indirect and has &quot;we&quot; scattered throughout, which is very important to ensure that subtle reminder that you were both involved in the trip. This does leave the option open that she says she doesn't feel the need to pay, but you're asking for a sort of mercy that you don't get stuck with the full expenses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Usage:&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've incorporated both the logical and emotional scenarios in my day-to-day life. My career is in computers, so I tend to lean more towards using logic since that's more what I'm familiar with. However, I think the situation guides what is best, not preferrence. If I'm arguing over something that has a bunch of opinions or little to no facts to back them up, I'll go the logic route. If I'm awkwardly having to talk with someone or ask for something, I'll go the indirect/sympathetic approach. It feels a bit more like you're social engineering, but there's nothing wrong with gaining skills in that as long as you're moral in your goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12129" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T21:17:40.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15555" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15541" CreationDate="2018-06-13T22:15:42.187" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds as though you have different ideas on what a fair and equal relationship looks like. Your expectation is that both parties pull their own weight and pay roughly an equal share of expenses -- i.e. each person holds equal responsibility in the relationship, which includes financial responsibility. Her expectation appears to be a more traditional Western financial arrangement where the man pays for any shared expense during the &amp;quot;courting&amp;quot; phase of the relationship. Neither of these is an unreasonable expectation, as we're in a period of cultural transition and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201709/who-pays-first-date-why-it-matters&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;shifting, often confusing expectations&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it important that you communicate your expectations clearly and regularly. This might feel awkward at first, but communication is crucial to the success of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. If you cannot find a common ground to communicate, and find compromise when necessary, you will continue to have this struggle. Money matters are a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;common reason for divorce&lt;/a&gt;, so if you can't discuss financial goals and expectations, it will be a constant threat to the stability of your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this specific case, I would probably start the conversation something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I apologize for the misunderstanding after our last trip. I realize we didn't discuss our expectations beforehand, and I didn't mean to spring it on you unexpectedly. I hope you can forgive me for my failure in communication, and we can put that disagreement behind us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to discuss our expectations for future long trips. I feel like you prefer it if I do most of the driving on our trips, and I don't mind driving you to these events. It gives me an opportunity to spend more time with you, and I really like being around you. Since the catalyst for these trips is your need to be there, I think it would be fair to expect you to cover the cost of gas, especially since we're putting wear and tear on my car. [Optionally: However, since we made this into a &amp;quot;date&amp;quot;, and we both got enjoyment out of it, I'm happy to share part of the travel expenses.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's not something we can agree on, I'm afraid I won't be able to take as many of these trips with you as I'd like to. I just can't meet all of my financial goals if I pay every time. That's OK, we can find other things to do together that are less expensive, and make sure we spend plenty of time together before and after your trip. Spending time together is what matters most to me, anyway, not where we go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does that seem like a fair arrangement to you? I'd like to hear how you feel about it, and what expectations you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you give her time and space to give her point of view, and be willing to find a fair compromise, even if it's not exactly the arrangement you had in mind. But don't just capitulate to her demands if it doesn't feel fair to you, or you'll likely resent her for it later. Once she realizes that she'd be paying for the gas anyway, while also driving herself and not spending time with you, she's likely to see that your expectations aren't unreasonable, just different from what hers were. She might apologize in return, but I wouldn't expect or push for one. You might find out that she was stressed out or was short on rent and that made her react badly to your request. That's a good opportunity to reassure her that she can tell you things like that without judgment, and that you'd like to be able to discuss anything openly with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for the possibility that you won't agree or be able to find a compromise. If you can't find a mutually agreeable arrangement for these trips, it could be a sign that you're not going to see eye to eye on financial matters. If she reacts negatively, or if you just find that you have different, incompatible expectations, you may have to end the relationship. However, you're more likely to build a healthy relationship, or at least remain friends, if you discuss these matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16165" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T18:38:31.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15462" CreationDate="2018-06-13T22:44:50.773" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First thing is this, she being being depressed is one mountain that compromises a lot, mental health problems such as depression is self-detrimental for sufferers but I bet you already know that however what baffles me is how the psychiatrist/psychologist she visits hasn't already suggested getting a hobby like you did, I find that odd. Mental health is still a complex matter in terms of its validity and all so I'd rather not dive too much into that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore I believe you did your part well by actually advising she get a hobby, now mind you, she affiliating your suggestion with she being &quot;boring&quot; hints at another thing, anxiety. Now from my distant observation with reference to the many observations I've had around, her depression might be what keeps her down but her anxiety(be it diagnosed or not) is what is keeping you trapped as an individual in this relationship because you not only care but are supposed to care, it only traps you more when you have a &quot;helper complex&quot;. There are many questions such as the root of her depression(is it to do with trauma, weight, etc), how long she's been suffering it and if you two were well aware of her depression prior to you getting involved with her(if it was known prior then you're clearly getting what you bargained for)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moving on it is rather wrong that she had to shut down the idea of getting a hobby knowing that you're only around for such short periods because you see what is really happening is you're getting tangled in something subtly aggressive from her, you have your life, your family, friends, history, responsibilities, bills and so on. What I'm saying is this eventually you either lose sight of your life before you or realize it. We're all different people but I suggest you take the hard steps and hold your grounds firm if you truly care, you're gonna have to sit down and have A TALK about the situation else hey you'll just end up as a nurse for her and mind you for a every second you'll be every reason why she isn't self-dependent and isn't getting better if this is rectified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say she has work and school actively so I don't see how you appear to be the only human of major relevance, I mean I get it you're in a relationship but this isn't healthy for any of you with this routine you have. She has no excuse to not have a pastime with other people because she has school to meet others at if not work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need to do is assess yourself and reassess your girlfriend so you both can finally come to terms with the situation you're tied into, you're worried about she getting offended but hey ultimately you're not doing each other a favour, you're not married you're dating regardless whatever history you two may have. You have have to take a serious stance on this or find a way to extricate yourself for your sake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can sign her up for gym session with a personal trainer, sign her up for cooking class or art class(all of which you should pay for as a major incentive for her to show up and participate), introduce her to someone or even people who can jog out with her in the parks. Heck suggest dinner with her colleagues from work and/or school in order to know which people to surround her with. Be crafty and subtle because goodness knows how often she ill hit you with the &quot;boring&quot; card as means to threaten your relationship and mental state about it all. Don't hold back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottomline, when it's all said and done you'll when it's time to give tough love, succumb to her atmosphere, or leave. Goodluck. If you have further questions feel free to drop them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18817" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T22:44:50.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15439" CreationDate="2018-06-13T23:47:24.060" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple response: &quot;Sorry folks, we actually run out of food&quot; and if you can't foot a bill to order food you just go &quot;maybe we can all pitch in to order a pizza&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately if it is an organized gathering or event then I believe a number of attendees should've been taken in order to deduce how much food to make or order. Anything less is poor planning on the hosts side. If it's a closed event then the rules must be enforced&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18817" LastActivityDate="2018-06-13T23:47:24.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15560" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10271" CreationDate="2018-06-14T00:20:52.050" Score="-4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you have feelings for him: You have confirmed&#xA;Does he have feelings for you: Potentially but with a tad bit of unlikeliness given he is shy around girls as you say. Fine you say you text beyond regular work but that is just him getting closure and being platonic and not necessarily exhibiting interest or as some will say, flirting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you interested in him?: Question to yourself. If you are then don't BS yourself or anyone and ask him out, you're adults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to find out if he shares the feelings you do?: Ask&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to ask?: Repeat after me, &quot;Hey so I need to get this thought out of my head and I need you to be completely honest and don't BS me, do you or do you not have feelings or like a thing for me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He doesn't have to know you have feelings for him ahead of your question(Recommended). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever answer he give, you work with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18817" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T00:20:52.050" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15541" CreationDate="2018-06-14T00:49:56.700" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there isn't an obvious financial disparity between you, and you are both earning your own money, there is no reason you shouldn't be splitting expenses, gas money included.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she has an expectation that you should pay for things just because &quot;you're the guy&quot;, then I suggest you politely point out that this is very unfair. If she won't budge on the topic, I would suggest you consider very carefully if this is a person you wish to be in a relationship with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her comments about her ex-boyfriends, is pretty concerning. That's very disrespectful, and was clearly intended to offend, and belittle you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To a comment like that I may be inclined to suggest that perhaps she call up these guys and ask them for the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastEditorUserId="2767" LastEditDate="2018-06-14T01:18:26.643" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T01:18:26.643" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15564" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-14T01:11:33.520" Score="7" ViewCount="613" Body="&lt;p&gt;A long time platonic friend is going to a wedding in a few weeks and has invited me as her plus one. She is buying the wedding gift and saying it is from both of us. I'll be transporting her to and from the wedding, which is in her city (where I used to live too). I'll be coming in from &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; city, an hour away, and returning there afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is traditionally expected of a &quot;plus one&quot; for a wedding?&lt;/strong&gt; I don't think she is expecting anything, but perhaps she just assumes that I will do certain things, like bring flowers or a corsage. I've never been a plus one before and my knowledge of the social niceties is very limited. We are not dating and have never dated in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in Ontario, Canada, as is my platonic friend and the wedding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that social rules are not necessarily as hard and fast as, say, rules of the road or tax legislation but I feel as if the general principles for plus ones must be known. I just don't know them. Some guidance here would be appreciated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18820" LastEditorUserId="18913" LastEditDate="2018-06-16T06:15:41.827" LastActivityDate="2018-06-16T06:15:41.827" Title="Duties of a &quot;Plus One&quot;" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-06-15T10:26:09.120" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15565" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-14T01:30:10.947" Score="-1" ViewCount="587" Body="&lt;p&gt;About 25% of the time I have a conversation with people, they begin to cross their arms or legs halfway through. I know that arm crossing can be a sign of defensiveness (or they're just cold), but they often do this when we're not talking about anything controversial. Is it because I may have somehow offended them or they see me as fake/insincere (I feel I may be that way at times)? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, someone once told me their job title, and I asked if people in that job do XYZ, and he crossed his arms and explained that they really do ABC. I do not really see this as offending in any way, so I am looking for other possible reasons as to why people may cross their arms when I talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16731" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T01:42:59.040" Title="Why do people cross their arms when I talk?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-06-14T07:01:13.433" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15565" CreationDate="2018-06-14T01:42:59.040" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it's incorrect to assume that crossing arms means defensiveness. It might mean that in some situations, but people cross their arms when they are cold, or fatigued. The meaning of the gesture is subjective and it could be different for everyone. Trying to deduce someone's emotions from physical signs assumes there are universal expressions, or &quot;fingerprints&quot;, for each emotion. This assumption is largely disputed by modern science. If you'd like to research that further, I recommend reading &lt;em&gt;How Emotions Are Made&lt;/em&gt; by Barrett.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I wouldn't worry about it. Don't take arm crossing the wrong way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2076" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T01:42:59.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15570" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15687" CreationDate="2018-06-14T08:45:39.053" Score="112" ViewCount="56536" Body="&lt;p&gt;I love my boyfriend very deeply, and we have an awesome relationship but as a person I struggle to bring up criticisms of others in my life without &quot;downplaying&quot; what I'm trying to communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example I have a friend that is always late to any plans we make together, and after it taking me years to bring it up, I ended up apologizing for being too negative. This kind of thing happens because I avoid the confrontation for so long that by the time I bring it up, whoever is at the receiving end doesn't think I'm serious. Can't blame them since I'm not doing a great job of communicating to them what the problem is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am trying to improve upon this, so I am planning on doing so for the issue described in the title of this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend, as much as he is my soul-mate, is pretty gross. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the major issues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His apartment is constantly a mess&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He doesn't brush his teeth much at all, he only does it if I finally get the courage to ask. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He mostly wears clothing that he has had for 7+ years that doesn't fit him and is worn thin or has holes/stains. He also rarely washes his clothes. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The list goes on. I cannot explain how it feels to go on a date that I spent 2+ hours getting ready for, only to see him show up looking and smelling like he just rolled out of bed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify on the 3rd point on the list, his outward appearance to the world is far less important to me than the problems with his cleanliness. I have minimal concern for what other people think of his looks. I find him extremely handsome and sexy, provided he is meeting these extremely basic hygienic standards. However, when he (often) does not meet those standards my attraction to him is lowered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His lack of effort is particularly evident on a date or special occasion which would normally be an opportunity to look and smell good or at least adequate for me. He loves that I put in special effort to my makeup, perfume etc for those occasions, and beforehand will sometimes ask something along the lines of &quot;Doing any fancy makeup tonight for our fancy date? Yes? Can't wait to see it!&quot; so there is no chance that he is oblivious to the &quot;tone&quot; of the occasion. I think that one should put a little effort into being attractive to your partner so that they feel special and important, which is why I put in the thankless effort I do, as well as feeling good for myself. The hygiene and visual points may seem different at first, but they are in fact very similar because if neglected, they both send the message that I am being taken for granted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This all seems to relate heavily to the topic of emotional labour and I am completely lost in navigating it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have sheepishly brought these topics up in the past, but since having expectations is a pretty new experience for me, I am unsure of what expectations are reasonable and what is too much. If i refuse to kiss him until he brushes his teeth, he has taken it quite well so far and will do as I request, but then just continues to skip it every day following until I bring it up again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not interested in being his mother and if I don't see eventual improvement I will leave him, but not without at least trying everything first. He is my best friend and he is so good to me, so it would be heartbreaking to have to end things over something so basic and simple to most people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am 25yo female, from Canada.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I be more assertive in convincing him to take better care of his hygiene?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18833" LastEditorUserId="18833" LastEditDate="2018-06-20T05:48:46.110" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T02:41:26.723" Title="How to set personal hygiene standards with my boyfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-14T08:55:06.803" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you dont like arguments, kill them as BradC suggested. &amp;quot;If you say so&amp;quot; blows the joy away and story ends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like to argument, you are about to change the strategy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can see your father arguments solely by challenging your arguments. Nothing more. In the argument you are the one to prove their opinion. Try to counter this. Pass the proof on him, force him to prove you wrong rather than prove yourself right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: There was a roadsign saying cars with 2.0 m and more aint allowed on the left line. I couldn't use it, my car is 2.004m wide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: You car is not that large!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Would you bet on that? $1?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bet is set, rules are clear. Go measure the car, look for the car's informations, etc. Be ready to accept losing the bet! And when new argument (There was no sign like that) treat it like brand new argument and decide whether to dump it (&amp;quot;If you say so&amp;quot;) or challenge it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jus a point, don't be a smartass; challenge some bets even if you are about to lose. And make the bet fun for both of you (and spectators).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T08:55:06.803" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-14T09:27:54.393" Score="48" Body="&lt;p&gt;Include him in these activities. Take initiative. Ask him to go brush teeth together. And then both brush teeth in the same room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About clothing, ask him wheter he wants fresh clothing that fits him better and is more comfy, and then propose a shopping center where you'll head together, and show him stuff that you think will look awesome. Gently push him to buying these.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it a together, not him. Most people with bad hygiene just don't care enough or don't have much self-discipline and -initiative. Helping them over that will most often not make them mind, and enjoy what you do together..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5726" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T09:27:54.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15573" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15574" CreationDate="2018-06-14T10:55:56.740" Score="-3" ViewCount="723" Body="&lt;p&gt;I sometimes answer rather bluntly/harshly to close friends (this includes my SO as well) over a question during our gaming session because it's either something I already answered or something that they can find because it's right in front of their eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me give you some example, first with my best friend with whom I often play video games with. We started a game yesterday called For Honor as they released some free version of their game. To acquire the game it required to log into your Ubisoft account to add the game to your library and my friend asked me (we are far away from each other playing online) if he had a Ubisoft account to which I responded rather quickly/bluntly &quot;How the f### am I supposed to know if you have a Ubisoft account&quot; because I'm not his mom and clearly not keeping track of every single account / launcher my friends have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward 3 hours when we both downloaded the game, first coop mission it's some kind of tutorial when you have to block an enemy on the left, right and top. He then asks me what he should do while I finished doing the guard tutorial and the game tells me that I have to wait for my mate to continue, I'm perplex as there is a clear objective in the top left corner telling you to do this or that which is common to most games these days. I got annoyed again and told him &quot;Are you even looking at your screen or just asking me before doing anything?&quot;. Don't remember my exact words but something along these lignes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the record this happens in most games that we start playing together. This is even more annoying if I have already played a game and he has not because he'll enter follow mode and I'll just play solo with my friend following blindly (I tried running in the opposite direction of the arrow indicating the quest location and he follows) which is not fun at all. For some context my friend is a gamer he has over 5000 hours of play time spread over several games on Steam.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example is with my SO, we sometimes play video games and I try to be cooler about it as she clearly doesn't have my friends experience in video games, but I will often find myself getting angry at her. For example playing a game called Portal Knights where you, among other things, can craft items. We for some reason would have to craft Item X and she would ask me &quot;How do I craft this&quot; to which I would answer &quot;Well you open the craft menu and look if you find the item in one of the category so you can craft it&quot;. But then we would have some other quest 15 minutes after asking us to craft something else and she would again ask me again and I would answer bluntly &quot;Are you even searching through your craft menu ?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I'm reacting like this because I personally hate to depend on people (directly I mean, by asking someone) until I absolutely have to, I mean I won't post on StackOverflow until I've look at the first 3 page of the search result and nothing comes up. I like finding stuff on my own. Plus while I'm ok to explain some &quot;advanced&quot; concept that may not be obvious/explained in the game tutorial, I think it's best my friends/SO find out things on their own regarding basic stuff that you can find rather easily / are explained clearly in the tutorial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to deal with the situations described above and instead of snapping, in a preventive way convey that in one hand while I'm ok to lead the way I'd like to play with my friend and not for him(by that I mean ordering him to go here, collect that, ..) and on the other that it would be in my SO best interest to learn how to search on her own instead of having to ask me every 30 seconds how to do this or that (something like teach someone how to fish instead of giving him the fish).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question is how do I effectively convey to my friends / SO that I would like them to be more self-sufficient when it comes to our gaming session ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some context : I'm a 25yo male living in France.&#xA;I'm not currently under stress and these interactions don't end up in a fight but just in my friend/SO shutting down because I snapped at them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9574" LastEditorUserId="9574" LastEditDate="2018-06-15T08:42:59.837" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T08:42:59.837" Title="How do I ask my friends to be more self-sufficient?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" ClosedDate="2018-06-14T12:46:07.677" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15574" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15573" CreationDate="2018-06-14T11:28:52.273" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To work with your examples, I'm a gamer too, one more avid than most of my friends. When playing games with friends, there will oftentimes be questions asked that while obvious to the likes or you and I, are less so to others. It can sometimes be frustrating to answer all the questions and the temptation to answer bluntly is always there. There are a few things you can try however to avoid coming across as so blunt:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bear in mind that games often require on-the-spot decisions. As such, new players will be tempted to quickly ask you a question rather than find the answer for themselves. If a player asks &lt;em&gt;&quot;Do I have my weapon equipped?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; for example, instead of bluntly replying if they can even see their character, calmly talk them through how they can answer this question themselves without talking down to them. &lt;em&gt;&quot;It looks like you do but we can double-check. If you open your menu and go to inventory, what items are selected there?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; This approach allows you to help give your answer while taking the sting out of them asking something that might normally prompt a blunt response for being so obvious (to you). It also helps your friends learn the game by them going through certain steps themselves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Similarly, on-the-spot questions can impulsively prompt on-the-spot responses, and I'm as guilty as any gamer of sounding blunt or angrier than intended. If your friend asks a question, take a breather, ask them to repeat it (even if you heard it), do something that will allow you a few seconds to think of a well-worded response. This can also put your friend at ease as you taking your time with a reply will make them feel like less of a burden or distraction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whatever response you give, avoid swear words. Even a calm reply with swearing within can come across as far more severe than intended.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Following on from a calmer response, offer an easygoing follow-on if time allows. If your friend asks something that suggests they are struggling with a basic aspect of a game, offer a chance for them to get comfortable before moving on. &lt;em&gt;&quot;If you want, we can go through that mission again? It's a good part for practising that manoeuvre. You can take the lead!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These approaches can often apply to other common scenarios, not just video games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also best to remember that some questions like &lt;em&gt;&quot;Do I have an account on this?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;may&lt;/strong&gt; be rhetorical. In this day and age, it's easy to lose track of what sites and services we sign up for, your friend may be fully aware that he/she can check this for themselves. Take the time to make a (non-vocal) judgement on the person and their question; are they really asking something I have to answer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T11:28:52.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-14T11:30:19.920" Score="116" Body="&lt;p&gt;I really like your question, mostly because it somewhat relates to our situation (me and my girlfriend, now wife).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was similar to your boyfriend. I was clean, but simple. Too simple. On very rare occasions I would get ready, or dress somehow special. And I didn't need to: I was living very close to my faculty (5 min) so I was waking up 5 mins before I would go, in order to sleep more. I was wearing ugly shoes, folded clothes, and most of the time I had my hair messed up. You know why? Somehow, it was convenient for me - less effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, there are a couple of reasons why your boyfriend might not be doing what you expect; maybe not all of them will apply to him, but for sure some of them will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He is &lt;strong&gt;convenient&lt;/strong&gt;. Just as I was, and as for me it seemed of low importance to spend time in order to look good or take care of myself, it could be the same for him.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He might consider his &lt;strong&gt;hobbies&lt;/strong&gt; more important. Again, I was here. For example, when I was playing video games, but I knew I had to go out in over an hour, I was getting ready in the last 5 mins, while the other 55 I was playing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He doesn't see dressing up for your date as important as you do. You get yourself ready because for you that moment is something special. For him it is also special, but not to the same extent... because he probably has some moments when he's getting ready, or some events. Again... I was here.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What should be done?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife really helped me in that, and she did it by &lt;strong&gt;telling me&lt;/strong&gt; (exactly what you do now), &lt;strong&gt;showing me&lt;/strong&gt; (by doing those things for herself) and sometimes &lt;strong&gt;doing it for me&lt;/strong&gt;. After a while I started thinking like her: before I go out of the house, I should check that my clothes are fine, that I smell good, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you have to make the first steps for him. I remember when my wife bought me some really nice and comfy shoes: I had argued with her, refused, and maybe even yelled that I didn't want them (yes, like a child...). That was because I was comfortable with who I was and my style, with my clothes, my shoes; I was used to it and didn't want to change it. She still bought me the shoes... after a few days I dared to admit that it was a great choice and I said thanks. But she did an effort, or two... she simply pulled me out of my comfort-zone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing (Mafii mentioned in his answer) is to include him in your activities. Use both: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;we should do&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you should do&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Ask for his help in some of the things that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; need to do for yourself and when you finish, you can add: &quot;now, let's make you ready!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing: these lines have to be said with &lt;strong&gt;a warm tone&lt;/strong&gt;, maybe even in a joking manner, but start doing as you speak, so he can see at the same time that you really want to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Criggie said in his comment, positive reinforcement does wonders: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You look good in that shirt!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love the way you smell!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13034" LastEditorUserId="13034" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T06:30:53.687" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T06:30:53.687" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15573" CreationDate="2018-06-14T11:32:25.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, are you really sure there are no things at all that give you stress, anxiety, worry or anything like that? This really feels like situations I have been in myself, where I was having busy days with work or college. If you are frustrated, for whatever reason, it is easy to have that frustration extend into other parts, without always realizing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On to the issue, there might be an issue here that your friends and your SO are simply slower than you. The For Honor example I don't get, because it is, as you said, rather easy. But, perhaps you are just more swift in getting these kinds of things? Do you expect them to instantly understand game mechanics where you already know them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, perhaps it is possible that your friend followed you (with the quest thing) because he'd rather play with you, then check off a bunch of quests of his list (with or without you). Maybe your SO also asks these things because she wants to initiate talking with you. Do you talk normally, or do you just play the game? Is it possible that your SO sees playing a game with you as spending time with you first and playing the game second while you do not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, on how to fix these things. Some people like to understand issues they face, others simply like to get over them. You clearly like to understand things and will research when you meet them. Your friend and SO fall perhaps in the other category. You can not make them do this, there is nothing you can say that will lead to that and not be hurtful to them at the same time. It is better to let them make the habit on their own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time they ask about something, instead of snapping, answer that you don't know it and that you haven't done it before either. You could give a small hint of where they should look for it. Something like &quot;Hmmm, haven't done that before actually... maybe you can try looking in the crafting menu?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, most of this will boil down on you though. I know you are hoping to get a solution to this problem, but the solution is simple. You need to learn to control your anger and frustration. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is okay to feel like that, it is not okay to let it out every time. You are going to have to learn how to get frustrated and angry and not immediately vent that out. Just keep it in, push it back down and remain civil. It does not matter if your outburst would be misplaced or not, what matters is that you can control your emotions in every scenario. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T11:32:25.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15586" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15591" CreationDate="2018-06-14T14:03:04.570" Score="40" ViewCount="14248" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend, we'll call her A, who I have known for nearly 20 years now. We are both in our early 20s now. Due to transitions we have both experienced over the last several years, other people have grown close to me and I have also had the opportunity to do some traveling. A has not reacted well to this and has become increasingly more obsessive and possessive of me. (This in itself is an issue to discuss in another question.) This possessiveness manifests in a number of ways, such as telling other people that are just as important to me that she (A) is the most important person in my life and that they (my other friends) &amp;quot;do not matter as much&amp;quot;. She is also putting expectations on me to consult or consider her before making any important decisions. Regardless of this, A continues to be a good friend and is an important part of my life (although I do not accept or encourage this behavior).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Issue&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have recently graduated university and, after much consideration, A has decided that the ideal gift will be to pay for a &amp;quot;best friends tattoo&amp;quot; for the both of us. Now, I do not think this is a good idea for a number of reasons. For one, I just do not like the tattoo ideas that she is suggesting. We seem to have very different tastes in that way. Primarily though, my concern is that if I get a &amp;quot;best friends tattoo&amp;quot; with A, it will further cement in her mind that she is the most important person in my life and that I have given her carte blanche to continue acting the way she has been towards the other people in my life. I would like to simply tell A that I do not want to get the tattoo, but history has proven that turning down a perceived gift (or even telling her no in general) is likely to be taken very personally and cause an argument. I would like to avoid this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to A that I do not want to get a tattoo, without upsetting her or causing an argument?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Possible Solutions&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it may be a good idea to suggest an alternative. Perhaps a gift that is a visible recognition of our friendship without being exclusive to her and me so as not to exacerbate the obsessive and possessive tendencies that she has. If such a gift exists, I am not aware of it however, and I am also unsure how to word a request that she change the gift she wants to give to something else without offending her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Notes&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I currently have 1 tattoo, and I am interested in getting others in the relatively near future, so just claiming that I don't like tattoos or don't want another one will not work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am positive that this behavior is not due to romantic interest. We are both in relationships that we are happy with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely, the reason A specifically wants a tattoo is that I got a matching tattoo with my brother and now she feels jealous about that. Although if I confronted her about that, she would just claim it is because she knows I like tattoos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T21:04:37.323" Title="Childhood friend wants to get a &quot;best friends&quot; tattoo but I do not think it is a good idea" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15587" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15775" CreationDate="2018-06-14T14:13:50.290" Score="4" ViewCount="1546" Body="&lt;p&gt;At work, I asked what makes a picnic a picnic, is it the fact that its outside? I then preceded to google it and found:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A picnic is a meal taken outdoors as part of an excursion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which I said to those I was having a conversation with. A colleague (who didn't grow up with Google) asked if I had just googled that, to which I said yes. They asked if this was a generational thing, and why do we always feel the need to google something? I suggested that maybe it's because I mostly grew up with it and learnt how to use it as my source of information, which wouldn't have been their case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels as though I'm being looked down upon when this sort of thing is asked, as if it's a bad thing to do. I would like to portray that this isn't necessarily a bad thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To summarise, I'm asking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to express that using external-knowledge tools (such as Google) is a respectable way of finding information&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to be polite in my response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm from the UK and would be classified as a Millennial. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16638" LastEditorUserId="16638" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T14:37:27.537" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T14:37:27.537" Title="How do I politely convince my elders that the external-knowledge tools of my generation are respectable?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15586" CreationDate="2018-06-14T14:17:28.773" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you need an excuse to not get a tattoo though straight out refusal will be bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My suggestion is to divert&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggest going on a camping trip together, or relive some childhood memory. Something that would celebrate your friendship without inking your bodies permanently. I can't really tell you what exactly but I am sure you have a lot of important memories together that you can relive in one way or another and I think 'A' wouldn't disagree to something like that because I presume those moments are important to her as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T14:17:28.773" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15586" CreationDate="2018-06-14T16:03:01.783" Score="84" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pro-tip: Never get matching designs, names, or any other tattoos that will forever be a reminder of someone.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the exception of your own children, or perhaps mother, these kinds of tattoos are nearly always a bad idea. If/when you have a falling out, you're forever stuck with the tattoo. Good cover-up work is difficult to pull off, and laser removal is expensive and painful. Well, both options are expensive and painful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I made this mistake with a former partner. For an anniversary present, we each got tattoos to commemorate the relationship. Different designs, but they both incorporated the same little heart. Mine used an awful lot of black, so a cover-up is pretty much a non-option, unless I want to get one of those &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.buzzfeed.com/alisoncaporimo/blackout-ftw&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;blackout tattoos&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships just aren't as permanent as tattoos. Regardless of whether it's a friend, lover, or family member, these tattoos have a nasty way of outlasting the relationships they're intended to remind you of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this may be one of those cases where it's probably going to be better to bite the bullet, accept that she's going to be upset with you and complain about it, and tell her the truth. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach would also have the benefit of shedding a little light on the overly possessive tendency in this friendship that seems to be the real underlying problem. It sounds like this whole tattoo idea is a symptom, not the disease. Curing the disease will probably require some uncomfortable, honest conversation with A about how she treats you and the other people in your life. Possessiveness isn't a great quality, but loyalty is. She may not recognize the distinction, so you may need to explain it to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, we've been best friends for forever. I really value your loyalty, you've always been there for me when I needed a friend, but this possessive stuff is wearing a little thin...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wording is of course optional. Just honestly communicate about what you're seeing and the problems it's causing, while being clear that you still value the friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then again... I suppose it has a bit to do with your philosophy surrounding tattooing. Is it a rite of passage? is it a diary? a remembrance of things that you've lived through or conquered? a collage of things you've found meaningful over the years? purely artistic expression? a catalog of poor choices? ... &#xA;People get tattoos for a lot of reasons. But if you're the sort of person who is going to look at a particular tattoo with regrets many years from now, probably best to be cautious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I have some tragic tattoos. I don't regret any of them, not even the anniversary tattoo. I don't want to die without any scars. I know that's pithy and trite, but it's how I get by. Our scars remind us who we are and where we've been, and I find a lot of value in that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And — before someone comes along and points out the contradiction in this answer — I'm clearly not a role model. I'm painfully aware that I tend to view things a bit differently than the average pedant. The average pedant probably has very few tattoos, if any, and probably no tragic tattoos. Embracing your mistakes is a skill learned by those that have the courage to make mistakes, but please make fewer mistakes than I tend to ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T10:14:43.247" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T10:14:43.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-14T16:35:07.580" Score="21" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I be more assertive in convincing him to take better care of his hygiene?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prepare for failure (sounds like you are) and regression.  You may be fighting these battles forever.  If your partner is willing to budge but regresses habitually, are you willing to nudge them perpetually?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself and your partner why.  Ask why of the answer.  Ask why again.  Find the root cause of this behavior.  Attack that root cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example dialogue...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why wear old clothes?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I hate shopping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why do you hate shopping?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;It takes too much time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why do you think it takes too much time?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;After working 10 hours a day, I have no energy and just want to play fortnite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why are you working 60 hours?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I'm paying off $83,000 in student loans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why not take a deferral for economic hardship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;It's unsecured debt through a private bank.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why does that matter?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;They don't allow deferrals.  If I don't pay, them get a judgment against me and garnish my wages.  If I work less, I don't get to eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From this point, you can find a way to make clothes shopping take less time or make a financial plan to free some of your partner's time. Maybe daily exercise will raise their energy level so they want to do more things.  Maybe you can look into the deferrals thing.  Alice and Bob repeat this process in 5 years when they buy a $240,000 home on $65,000 income and regress.  Then in 16 more years when taking loans for kids college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, learn more about your partner, learn how to help, and be prepared for regressions.  Keep asking why even after you find one way to help.  Prepare to repeat this battle perpetually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10687" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T19:35:56.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15586" CreationDate="2018-06-14T19:29:42.793" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't make up an excuse, it'll just lead to problems down the road if you ever do anything that contradicts your excuse.  Weaving a web of lies is the surest way to tie yourself up.  Just tell her that you aren't interested in getting a tattoo like that.  The idea of giving an alternative is good though.  Easy recommendations that will still give the same kind of vibe would be some kind of jewelry - earrings, a necklace, or a bracelet would probably be good suggestions (other piercings could work too if you do that kind of thing, as would an anklet or even toe ring).  With jewelry, you could find something that looks good even without its relevance to the best friends thing; and if you get something nice (valuable) it will likely help her to acquiesce since it'll still seem important.  Just make sure that it's something you would wear regardless, otherwise you start getting into the problem of having to make excuses about how you're not wearing it whenever she sees you (like when a family member gets you that scratchy sweater that you never wear).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be straight to the point, and offer the alternative right away.  You don't need to give a reason for &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you don't want a tattoo like that, just that you don't.  By giving the alternative right away, it shows that you still are interested in something with her, and will distract from the issue which will help prevent follow up questions.  If she insists on asking why you don't want it, be honest but not brutal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really want to get a tattoo like that, but how about matching earrings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's wrong with tattoos?  Why don't you want a matching tattoo with me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our tastes in tattoos just don't match up and I don't want to permanently ink myself unless it's a design I really like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she pushes to suggest that she'll let you pick the design, it can be whatever you want, then you can make the choice of agreeing (though the concerns about validating her possessiveness are valid) or standing your ground and insisting that 'No, I really just don't want a tattoo like that.'  And stick to it.  Don't give any more fuel to the fire, don't try to make up excuses or anything, just say No, you're not interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17037" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T19:29:42.793" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15596" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15598" CreationDate="2018-06-14T20:17:05.293" Score="8" ViewCount="836" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's someone I deal with regularly -- let's call her Betty.  Betty and I are closely related and we work together on various projects that she directs.  Sometimes I run into a difficult situation with Betty that I haven't been able to figure out.  It usually goes like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty: How's it going?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Me: Frustrating.  My widgets are all out of sequence, so I'm putting them back the way they were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty: I didn't get them out of order.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Me: I didn't say it was you, I'm just frustrated that someone got them out of order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty: They were all jumbled up when you left for the weekend.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Me: That's not good, since I had just put them back in sequence.  I'll talk to the rest of the team and see what happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty: Don't do that.  Nobody else would have touched them.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Me: Well, there's only me, you, and other people.  If it wasn't me and it wasn't you, then it was someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty: I don't know why you had them out of order.  You're making a big deal out of this.  Let's just get stuff done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This interaction doesn't sit well with me because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I come away feeling like I'm the bad guy for making accusations against Betty, when that wasn't my intention at all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It makes me feel like I must be interfering with work to just be a troublemaker.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I end up doubting my own memory of events, which is deeply unsettling.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thinking about the interaction later, I end up angry at Betty.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything I can do to improve the way Betty and I are interacting?  We're going to be working together for another few months at least, and we'll be close relatives till one of us dies, so this is a very important relationship to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Also I could use a better title for this post.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5753" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T15:41:52.867" Title="Strange interactions with a relative/coworker preemptively deflecting blame" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15596" CreationDate="2018-06-14T21:32:35.023" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming you don't need Betty's permission to either put them back in order or talk to the others, I suggest telling her less. I might rework that conversation like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty: How's it going?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Frustrating. My widgets are all out of sequence, so I'm putting them back the way they were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty: I didn't get them out of order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I was quite sure of that already. (Smile.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then just calmly rearrange your widgets. You're not making a big deal and you're getting stuff done. If Betty continues to discuss it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Betty: They were all jumbled up when you left for the weekend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: That's interesting. Thanks for noticing. I have no idea what happened, but at least I know when it was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not bringing her into your investigation of the jumbled widgets, which might require her to defend herself, defend others, or minimize the importance of the problem, none of which you will like. And at least in theory, Betty will prefer it too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T21:32:35.023" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15596" CreationDate="2018-06-14T21:39:23.887" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I may be inferring here a tad based on my own experiences, but I have found  that people who don't want you to bring something up to a group and trying to pass off guilt with &quot;I didn't do it&quot; even though you never told her you thought she did is a clear sign THEY actually touched it. They don't want you to bring it up because then everyone else will say &quot;it wasn't us&quot; which then points you back to Betty. She tries to then sweep it under the carpet by saying &quot;hey quit making this into a big deal and get back to work&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation seems awkward for sure, and if the dialog is what is being said, there is definitely something she seems to be hiding (maybe going through your desk etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that being said, I don't know for this particular situation that you could have replied differently as it was factual and to the point. It's also hard when frustrated to provide different responses, but maybe a simple response such as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, good to know you didn't touch it, I can cross you off the list of suspects! (jokingly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this particular conversation didn't seem to go fairly well after she made that comment to you, I would cut it off with a mild joke and then change the subject. I would talk to your boss/manager instead bout the possibilities of bringing it up to your team instead at the next meeting, that way it does not come off as you accusing her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, as for her responses to you, they kind of trigger a flag for me. As someone who used to be in an abusive situation, this seems to me as early stages of &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Gas lighting&lt;/a&gt;. Particularly in this link, point numbers 2, 7, 8 for your situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2 because you clearly remember having things sorted and she is saying you didn't. You even mention in point number 3 of your post that you are doubting your own memory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But&#xA;  they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your&#xA;  reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this,&#xA;  the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;7 Because she is trying to confuse your memory of what you did and didn't do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;7&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;They know confusion weakens people. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and&#xA;  normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you constantly&#xA;  question everything. And humans' natural tendency is to look to the&#xA;  person or entity that will help you feel more stable—and that happens&#xA;  to be the gaslighter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;8 &quot;I don't know why YOU had them out of order. You're making a big deal out of this.&quot; when again you clearly had them organized and even stated such, so she is trying to confuse and project to you. Also blaming you for making a big deal about someone violating your workspace is projecting too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol start=&quot;8&quot;&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;They project.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing&#xA;  you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend&#xA;  yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter's own behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-06-15T15:41:52.867" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T15:41:52.867" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15586" CreationDate="2018-06-14T21:54:53.700" Score="28" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just say NO!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have the right over your own body. Just because someone wants you to do something, you don't need to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her clearly that her behaviour is borderline obsessive (in mild undertones). Also since she is your best friend, she should take your opinion seriously and try to stop doing things that are causing problems in your personal life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is truly your friend, she will understand and you guys will be okay again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is okay to fight for what you believe is for your own good. Otherwise this won't be a friendship, it would just be that you do whatever someone is telling you to do, and you would be letting this person dominate and dictate your life, which is wrong. (And don't be scared of her; she is your friend, not your boss.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13981" LastEditorUserId="13981" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T21:04:37.323" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T21:04:37.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-14T22:12:09.093" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few years ago, we were out to dinner and a bunch of Prom Kids (ick) came in. The girls had clearly spent &lt;em&gt;hours&lt;/em&gt; and a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of money on this. The guys were wearing wrinkled suits and Sports Ball mesh-back caps, turned backwards (of course). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not cool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of us clueless guys sometimes don't realize that we're not putting in the same (or appropriate) level of preparation as our partner. It's not about not &lt;em&gt;caring&lt;/em&gt; so much as being oblivious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you've been pretty passive in the past - not a criticism, I can totally relate to that - it may take a real, in your face (but not mean), not-possible-to-dismiss-or-misinterpret statement like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I expend a lot of effort getting ready to go out, and it would mean a lot to me if you would do the same. I know this stuff doesn't come naturally to you, but it's important to me.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, way back when, that was enough to wake me up. If you live together, pick out some clothes for him and lay them out on the bed. (I know you shouldn't have to do that, but if you want to date a model who already knows how this stuff works, then move on and find one.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as brushing teeth goes - well, not everyone brushes their teeth three times per day. However, I wouldn't expect my wife to kiss me if I smelled like the beer I had 30 hours ago. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on very limited information, it sounds like he's just a little oblivious, not intentionally dismissive or apathetic. Making your point, kindly but clearly and firmly, may go a long way to improving the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13681" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T22:12:09.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15024" CreationDate="2018-06-14T23:05:52.827" Score="8" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You are actively avoiding those girls.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your friend tries to include you in conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It has nothing to do with him being white. It has everything to do with you feeling uncomfortable talking to them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer to yourself these few questions question:&lt;/strong&gt; Why are you avoiding them? Is it to do with your self esteem? Can you change that? Can you become interested in meeting new people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Showing interest and maintaining eye contact is huge. It will let people know that you are interested in knowing them. So cellphone is the worst you can do in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are feeling uncomfortable for what ever reason assuming &quot;they don't want to know you&quot;, &quot;you don't look good&quot; etc:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Start with addressing the issue first - if it's the body you are uncomfortable - go to gym, if it's clothing, get your clothing in style - fix the thing you are not sure about.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stop trying to think for them.&lt;/strong&gt; If they don't like you, so long, there are others who will like you for who you are. You are not there to make them like you. BUT, if you show interest in them no matter who they are, willing to listen to them, greet them, talk to them and maintain confident eye contact, you drive the party - you are the one in charge in this situation. They will naturally become interested in you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally, bringing this up to your friend will not really accomplish much. He gives you an amazing opportunity to address the social fear you have and friends like this are a gem you would have to search for a long time to find. Use this moment to truly answer yourself what you are running from and improve on your social skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14454" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T23:05:52.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15604" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="993" CreationDate="2018-06-14T23:29:14.553" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They always want to 'prove' you wrong, regardless of whether the 'facts' they quote are accurate or not. In the hypothetical conversations stated above, they could easily pick either side of the argument and go on to 'prove' they're right!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If their arguments are weak (consider case 1), you often debate with them and defeat them, but it gives little satisfaction as they just smirk. Plus, you're a pacifist and don't like arguing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would you deal with this irritating habit of your acquaintance?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are various techniques depending upon the subject and how it's introduced. This being the StackExchange Interpersonal Skills site we are limited to offering polite and productive advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should probably listen, if they are a friend of yours, and assess the percentage of the fact versus fiction - are they simply misinformed or an outright liar, are they trying to pick a fight or call you stupid; is this the kind of friend you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having heard their point of view ask how they know this and their own expertise in this area. If the source and extent of their knowledge is not well supported you can simply explain that. There's little to argue if they tell you that they acquire their knowledge at the local bar and were kicked out of remedial school. Explain that you don't value their opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're &lt;em&gt;mostly correct&lt;/em&gt; are you certain they are wrong about the remainder - you don't want to be the person about whom you complain, the argumentative idiot. You might well learn something if you listen, you might discover what they are trying to accomplish: time wasting, rumor mongering, nuisance, combative - perhaps your friend is ill, and you'd be a better friend recommending that they get help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's going to cost you money or risk your safety you should neither concede nor spend a lot of time debating it. This isn't the sort of friend you want to keep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oobligating them to remember and involving someone else usually puts an end to such behaviour. For instance they say &amp;quot;they know all about something because they always get 100% on tests&amp;quot;, someone else comes along and you simply say &amp;quot;ask Einstein here, he just said he always gets 100% on tests&amp;quot;.&#xA;Another example is they bring something up and you reply &amp;quot;but the other day you said the opposite&amp;quot;, agree or deny you explain that the time available to deal with that subject has expired; they ought to have made better use of your time. Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do a cost risk analysis if you must. One neighbor of mine put another in their place, explaining that they are useless and should leave; while it's more rude than I would have been I too reaped the benefits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-14T23:29:14.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15605" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15617" CreationDate="2018-06-15T02:49:16.477" Score="-4" ViewCount="779" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently saw a doctor who,  after entering the room, only used hand sanitizer. As her gown looked dirty, I stopped her from touching me and asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Doctor, is handwashing more effective than hand sanitizer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I already knew that &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thoughtco.com/hand-sanitizers-vs-soap-and-water-373517&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;handwashing is more effective&lt;/a&gt;; I was only  trying to be tactful. She replied:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, hand sanitizer's fine. So let's start the examination. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to insist politely:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd feel cushier with handwashing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But she looked offended, and replied gruffly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look. I don't have time. I have other patients waiting. Do you want to start or not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I've communicated my preference that she washes her hands, without offending her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-06-16T00:09:10.457" LastActivityDate="2018-06-16T05:06:23.147" Title="How can I convince a doctor to wash her hands, and not just use hand sanitizer?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-06-15T21:36:32.393" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15586" CreationDate="2018-06-15T10:18:12.943" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you are overdue for a conversation with A about her role in your life. It seems like you are growing and she is clinging to an older model of your friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is inserting herself between you and your other friends, in the long run this abusive pattern will likely drive people away and leave you more dependent on her; it's most charitable to assume that A is doing this unconsciously but you can't rule out some level of deliberate intent.  If it is hard for A to make friends and you are the only real friend she has ever had, she is probably terrified of you &quot;getting away&quot; from her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But all that is merely speculation. Another answer suggested a diversion, and I can offer one from personal experience: a friendship bracelet.  I have an anklet around my right ankle that has been there for 18 years.  It's a simple &quot;trick braid&quot; of polyester satin rat tail cord woven 9 times around my ankle.  It means...  Well, let's just say it doesn't mean what it did when I made it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more long lasting version of the same thing would be a pretty chain that is sealed with a lock that is either unbreakable, or that the two of you exchange keys to. (Some friends of mine did this instead of wedding rings; they had a goldsmith make padlocks with one-way mechanisms.) &quot;Permanent&quot; right up until the day you decide that your friend has crossed the line from loyal and devoted to creepy controlling gaslighting stalker and you get rid of it with a snip of a bolt cutter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note though that in a medical emergency the anklet might need to be sacrificed.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be much healthier for you to be able to explain to your friend why you don't want a friendship tattoo permanently on your skin, but if you can't bring yourself to do that, an anklet might buy you some peace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And like me, you might even decide to keep the anklet longer than the friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T10:18:12.943" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-15T10:55:48.537" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you talk with him clearly before taking any steps. Hygiene is important, but not as important as the love of your life, so before taking any huge decision just talk with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Meet him and just share what issue you have with him (necessary issues only). Do not tell him to change his whole lifestyle&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him to be more clean. Wear not branded but at least clean clothes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I feel such a thing will be an issue for him in his future also, so try to make him understand from future aspects too, because in the outside world people judge you from your clothes only at first glance&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he doesn't have a good financial situation, then you also have to understand his problems because you can't expect from him to wear nice clothes all the time if he is not financially stable&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;About brushing, try to tell him the downsides (health-wise) of not brushing your teeth&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even if he is only ready to change a few things about himself, then it's still the start of change. Do not expect him to change completely in one day; such things take time so you have to be patient And try to change things one by one, don't try to change everything at once&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some personal advice: do not give up easily because it looks like you love him a lot so do not give up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck dear. Hope everything will be fine for you. Enjoy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18891" LastEditorUserId="8608" LastEditDate="2018-06-15T11:27:49.930" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T11:27:49.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15609" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-15T11:56:35.947" Score="0" ViewCount="450" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am profoundly shy, strongly introverted and have some social anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find socialising with strangers in social settings to be extremely stressful: socialising in professional settings – such as networking events, trade shows, meeting around the coffee machine – even more so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I'm freelance, this has had an impact on my career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there any tactics you have found useful when attending networking events etc., so you can maximise the benefits of attending, without triggering stressors?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13676" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T13:21:37.270" Title="What can someone with introversion and/or social anxiety do to maximise the benefits of attending networking events?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-06-15T14:45:34.940" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15609" CreationDate="2018-06-15T13:21:37.270" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can approach this problem in two ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Dealing with the situation at hand&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Seeking long-term solution - if your social anxiety has a profound impact on your life it should be dealt with with the help of a professional therapist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume 2) is out of the question or perhaps you are already working on it. So some techniques to help in first case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Concentrate on maintaining a straight posture, with your hands relaxed on your sides (don't fiddle)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Concentrate on listening and maintaining relaxed eye contact, don't speak too much if it feel forced, but ask questions and smile and nod to acknowledge your counterparty&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Be prepared for a few standard question (like &quot;What have you been up to recently?&quot;, &quot;Which events have you attended so far?&quot;, etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) If you feel like you are getting stressed, excuse yourself with a smile and go to the restroom or fetch a glass of water&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;5) If stressed and cannot excuse yourself (because you are in the queue waiting for example), change subject to discuss your counterparty as much as possible taking the focus off of yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T13:21:37.270" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15587" CreationDate="2018-06-15T14:19:52.917" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no need to convince anyone, and there is not the slightest chance to convince them. If someone doesn’t like googling, just let them be. You have no chance to change their mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was the title of your question. Inside your question you pose this very differently. You don’t want to convince them, you want them to accept your point of view. Being in the UK, I would consider it polite while expressing your viewpoint to say: “If you don’t want to use Google, that’s up to you, but don’t blame me for using the internet to find out things.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T14:19:52.917" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15586" CreationDate="2018-06-15T14:25:45.917" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to A that I do not want to get a tattoo, without upsetting her or causing an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you told us about her character and behaviour, I do not believe that you can do that; you'll have to anticipate some upsetting and argument, and be prepared to handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think it may be a good idea to suggest an alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your problem is not the tattoo, your problem is that you are being heavily abused by another person. Make no mistake, you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt;. In my experience, there is no solution for this except stopping being the &quot;nice guy&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; mean that you never see her again, or that you get into a big fight, or that you turn full-on macho. You can stay as you are. I have been the chronical &quot;nice guy&quot; in the past as well, and still am, often (in cases where it's not to my detriment), but I have found that when I do not wish (or cannot be) &quot;nice&quot;, then simply(sic) saying &quot;no&quot; is a great solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this is not meant tongue-in-cheek nor sarcastical. I know full well how hard that is; especially when you are still in the claws of another person (be it a private relationship, or some hierarchical business relation). But often, when you finally just do it (saying &quot;no&quot;), you find that it does work, with less problems than anticipated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how does it work? The first step is that you set firmly, in your mind, the decision that you do not want this. Do not weaken your resolve by looking for an alternative to suggest to your friend. This only opens up venues for discussion. You wish to not do it; this should be your main and only focus. Since your body is &lt;em&gt;wholly&lt;/em&gt; under your own control, you have the final and only say in what happens with it. This is not a case of shared responsibility; no other human has any rights in this regard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, how to say it. This is much more easy: say &quot;no&quot; with as few words as possible. When she asks you next time, just say &quot;no, I do not want to get such a tattoo&quot;. No more, and if you can, less. Don't say that you are sorry (you are not), don't offer another kind of semi-shared tattoo (you don't want any), don't offer gifts which  signify your friendship (which is nonsense), don't say &quot;not now&quot; (because you won't want it later, either). Simply say &quot;no&quot;, and stick with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she asks &quot;why&quot;, say &quot;I have decided not to&quot; or something like that. If she asks if you are still her friend, tell her that this has nothing to do with it. If she starts to fight, don't partake. And so on, and so forth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other cases, you might be more open to some give-and-take dialog, but in this particular case, you have made clear that you actually, positively are not interested in anything that enforces her control over you. So while at other times you could make a counter-offer (especially in businesses, or when you have to make a shared decision, e.g. which color your new sofa should be), right now you need to be firm, to send a signal beyond the tattoo issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also strongly suggest &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to bring up her clinging behaviour while doing so. This is not something you can really talk about with her, I believe, after your description. You have to fix this problem by your (verbal) behaviour; i.e., whenever she does something that you do not like, firmly resist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The plan is to act firmly whenever she really crosses the line (we are talking about ignoring your ingrained values, not some trivial problem). The results are, in my experience, varying by person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Either they adapt to your changed behaviour, and the problem dissolves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or they continue their behaviour, whatever it may be, but &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; do not care so much anymore because you know that you have tools to deflect it (the &quot;saying no&quot; tool).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or it continues to escalate, at some point leading to some kind of event, which could be &quot;the talk&quot;, or an outright breakup, depending on the individual situation, of course.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, it usually ends up with a combo of 1. and 2. which usually turns out just fine with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T14:25:45.917" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15587" CreationDate="2018-06-15T14:32:39.830" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to express that external-knowledge tools (such as Google) is a respectable way of finding information?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are various means to acquire information, each has drawbacks and advantages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To use your picnic example, someone asks: &quot;What is a picnic?&quot;. How can you obtain an answer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Go to school, take courses appropriate to gain expertise, tell them your answer and convince them why you are correct. You would need to convince them that the school you went to is well respected on the subject matter in question, that the courses you chose are correct and that you spent enough years in school to know about this.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Show them a few real life examples and counter-examples, explain each to them. You still need to convince them that your examples are representative and your explanations are correct.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Use a Search Tool, find a few expert opinions, provide a link. This is the fastest method for you (if you are skilled in Internet research) but they might still need some convincing. Fortunately the &lt;strong&gt;tool&lt;/strong&gt; to research and communicate is in their hands, they can agree or provide a counter-link. Written and visual explanations by experts can be found quickly and presented easily.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some subjects require specific education and specific standards of proof, for example &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;http://legalresearch.org/electronic/legal-research-on-the-internet/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Canadian Legal Research and Writing Guide&lt;/a&gt;&quot; in their article &quot;Legal research on the Internet&quot; explains:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Finding legal information&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Legal research on the Internet is best conducted using specialized sites with legal content, rather than conducting searches of the web using a general search engine such as Google. The leading Canadian site is CanLII. This is a collection of the case law and legislation from all Canadian jurisdictions, with several value-added features. DRAGNET is a custom Google search of selected legal sites developed by the library staff at New York Law School.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;code&gt;Some courts prevent their judgments from being indexed by general search engines for privacy reasons, so decisions of those courts will not be located in a Google search. In addition, decisions on CanLII are not indexed by general search engines. As a result, a general search engine will not retrieve this type of legal information. Furthermore, the scope and currency of the indexed content will be uncertain if you use a general search engine.&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Despite these drawbacks, you may find it worthwhile to augment your legal research with some searches in a general search engine to locate material such as law firm newsletters, company information, news articles, blog posts, government publications and Google book search results that pertain to your research.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's try your example question using an Internet search: &quot;What is a picnic?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can see it's fast and often but &lt;strong&gt;not always&lt;/strong&gt; correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=%22What%20is%20a%20picnic%3F%22&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Textual Google Search&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;pic·nic/ˈpikˌnik/&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;noun - an outing or occasion that involves taking a packed meal to be eaten outdoors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;verb - have or take part in a picnic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wikipedia &gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Picnic&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Picnic&lt;/a&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A picnic is a meal taken outdoors as part of an excursion – ideally in scenic surroundings, such as a park, lakeside, or other place affording an interesting view, or else in conjunction with a public ...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;WiseGeek &gt; &lt;a href=&quot;http://m.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-picnic-ham.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;What is a Picnic Ham? (with pictures) - wiseGEEK&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A picnic ham, also called a pork shoulder, is an American specialty especially popular throughout New England. Though not technically actual hams, the meat goes through a smoking process that gives them a similar taste. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;See the problem with that result? - It's not a picnic, it's not even ham; though it's called a &quot;picnic ham&quot; - sometimes you need to: understand English, use your brain, and do further research.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sunny Picnic Website &gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.sunnypicnic.com/what-is-picnic/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;What is a picnic? – Sunny Picnic&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every year, countless crowds gather to parks to picnic. Families gather together for games of catch and Frisbee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Couples unpack picnic baskets filled with lunches and wine for a romantic date. Groups of friends gather to break bread on the warm, summer lawn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The picnic is a staple of the summertime. But what is a picnic? Where did this summertime activity originate?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notice that site doesn't get to the explanation directly, you need to spend some time reading and absorbing the information before you can decide to accept or dismiss it as a creditable source.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=%22What%20is%20a%20picnic%3F%22&amp;amp;source=lnms&amp;amp;tbm=isch&amp;amp;sa=X&amp;amp;ved=0ahUKEwic_Irz5dXbAhULw1QKHXA1AKgQ_AUICigB&amp;amp;biw=980&amp;amp;bih=1666&amp;amp;dpr=4&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Image-based Google Search&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/vIbga.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/vIbga.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;What is a picnic?&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can determine for yourself: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/05/08/hammer-nail/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Not every problem is a nail, nor every tool a hammer&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give them a brief demonstration of how it works so they have some knowledge to make an informed decision. It's not necessarily the duty of the one providing the explanation to ensure that the listener listens and understands what is being said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T14:32:39.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15615" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15541" CreationDate="2018-06-15T15:27:03.150" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't ask for money (money changing hands doesn't end well unless it's something you both agree to without question), but ask for her to pay for road snacks/meals.  There are some trips I've done where the fuel cost less than the snacks, and visa versa, and the truth is for long trips you need drinks/food etc to be able to keep going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that the trip is now your gift to her; and your food is her gift to you, and you can enjoy your food knowing that you're having it because of her, and she can enjoy the trip knowing that it's because of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2353" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T15:27:03.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15541" CreationDate="2018-06-15T16:54:58.330" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would disregard answers that attempt to talk you out of asking for her to contribute to the gas or challenge your definition of an equal relationship. Your desire to split significant expenses is entirely valid and no one is entitled to have you as a free taxi.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell her in a straightforward manner that for long trips, you insist on splitting the gas. If sharing expenses in an egalitarian manner is a deal breaker for her, it's better to find out sooner rather than later. I am personally the sort who always splits expenses with girlfriends and I don't make it a delicate subject nor do I surprise them with this info after we've made an expense they thought would be my treat. Simply before agreeing to go on a road trip, get a hotel, or have an expensive meal I say something to the effect of &quot;Make sure you bring your wallet so we can split [whatever expense]. I think it'll be about $X&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she challenges you by bringing up the habits of her exes, I'd simply respond with, &quot;that was their choice; I feel differently&quot;. Again, you don't have to justify why you think equal sharing of significant expenses is important, though you could certainly assert to her that it is if she seems to disagree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As always in a relationship, being direct, honest, and open about your feelings is best. She can either agree or you can decide if you're willing to compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12540" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T16:54:58.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15605" CreationDate="2018-06-15T17:30:51.177" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a doctor, and this applies particularly to the US. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a physician 'asked' me,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look. I don't have time. I have other patients waiting. Do you want to start or not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say, &quot;&amp;amp;#%$, no!&quot;, report them to the head of their department, and leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you're looking for a polite way to get the person to bend to your will, just ask very nicely again. You can't do more.&lt;/strong&gt; There are no magic words (with the possible exception of &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.pressganey.com/about/news/patient-satisfaction-scores-optimizing-the-patient-and-clinician-experience&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Press Ganey&quot;&lt;/a&gt;) that will force your doctor to do anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edited to reflect OP's edits&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Handwashing &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; better at removing pathogens from hands &lt;em&gt;if it is done long enough and properly&lt;/em&gt;. However, that takes time (which is an increasingly precious commodity medicine today), and most physicians don't take the time to do it properly. In light of that fact, hand sanitizer is actually more effective than bad handwashing (with caveats.) But that's not what you're asking. You want to know how to ask a physician to wash their hands without offending them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a fact: most doctors are happy to make their patients happy. If you feel uncomfortable, just speak up, be polite, and take &quot;the blame&quot;/responsibility for your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to ask, but I'm a bit of a germophobe. I know you used hand sanitizer, but would you mind terribly washing your hands? I'd feel so much better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People can argue facts ('hand sanitizer is just as good'), but they can't argue feelings ('you feel fine with my use of sanitizer only'). If you make it clear that it's your feelings compelling you to ask, there really shouldn't be a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is, I'd get the &amp;amp;#%$ outta there and report them to the head of their department.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Regardless of what's more effective, patient feelings matter. In the ER, I'd see what seemed like a ton of patients, sometimes the same ones several times before they left the ED. But I never touched a patient without washing my hands &lt;em&gt;in front of them&lt;/em&gt;, which was not terribly important from a pathogen point of view, as I always washed after seeing a patient as well. But it was a matter of respect and consideration.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;Sometimes my hands would get so raw that they'd crack and bleed. In that case, I would ask the patient if they minded if I skipped the handwashing and wore gloves instead, explaining why I didn't want to wash my hands (lest they think I thought &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; were too dirty to touch.) I never had a patient refuse that request.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;My point is, a patient's feelings matter. If a physician is rude to you, unless it is an emergency, don't put up with it. If they don't care about your feelings, they may not care about other things either (like their quality of care.) I know some rude physicians who I would trust with my life, but they are few and far between.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastEditorUserId="2708" LastEditDate="2018-06-16T05:06:23.147" LastActivityDate="2018-06-16T05:06:23.147" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15541" CreationDate="2018-06-15T19:17:59.350" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that the main issue in the situation you described was not the money itself, but how you approached the payback. You say you charged her for the gas money, but I can only assume that that really means you asked her to pay you that money. Did she know that you expected her to pay you for some or all of the gas money ahead of time? I suspect not. That change in expectations may have been the real cause of the conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Image this approach instead. Before you commit to the trip you say to her &quot;I'm happy to drive you to the event, but since it's a four hour trip it is going to cost a fair bit of gas money, would you mind splitting that cost with me?&quot; Then she can either say yes and you'll be happier about it, or she can say no and voice why she doesn't think she needs to pay (not sure what her objection would be, but it gives her a chance to express it). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you didn't realize until afterwards that it was going to be expensive, then honestly that's on you. Next time think ahead and make sure you're both on the same page before the trip. If you absolutely needed to get that gas money from her after the trip you could have approached it much better. Rather than billing her, you could simply ask her to pitch in. Something like &quot;Hey, sorry I didn't think of it sooner, but that trip used up a lot of my gas, would you mind splitting the cost of the gas with me?&quot; This approach shows that you are aware that this is a change in expectations, and that you recognize that you should have talked about it before the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give an example outside of your context, imagine that you went over to a friend's house for dinner, enjoyed the meal, and had a good time. Then at the end of the evening your friend says, &quot;Please pay me $20 for the food I gave you&quot;. You would of course be rightfully offended that their gift and hospitality turned out not to be a gift at all. That's the same situation you put your girlfriend in, which is probably why she objected&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4649" LastActivityDate="2018-06-15T19:17:59.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15622" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-15T23:37:40.060" Score="12" ViewCount="1719" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, I found my brother's stash of alcohol in the basement while looking for some paint. I told my mom about it, and she took care of it and decided to have a talk with him once he gets back from his trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I just went snooping through my brother's room (for like 15 seconds) and in his mini fridge I found even more beer. He is underage (15) and I don’t want to get in trouble or lose his trust because I was looking through his personal belongings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m very concerned about him. I don’t want him to hurt himself, but I don’t know how to tell my mom. &lt;strong&gt;How do I tell my mom what I found without having my brother hate me or get in trouble?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18916" LastEditorUserId="19693" LastEditDate="2019-03-25T02:23:57.997" LastActivityDate="2019-03-25T02:23:57.997" Title="How can I tell my mom that I found more beer in my brother's room while I was snooping?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15622" CreationDate="2018-06-16T01:29:55.677" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, stop snooping. I know you're concerned, but it's not your job to keep an eye on your brother, it's your mom's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in all three spots over the years. I've been the concerned brother, I've been the under aged drinker, and I've been the parent dealing with two teenage siblings... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was in your shoes, I got a little worried about my brother's partying. It ended up being much ado about nothing, just a phase that he grew out of, but I was worried about him and I didn't want to get him in trouble. When I was the underage drinker, my other brother was worried about my partying, and well, to be honest he had reasons to be. I was getting into stuff I shouldn't have been getting into. As a parent I had to weigh the concerns, accusations, and other things the kids brought up, because while I was aware that they could be worried about each other, I was also aware that they weren't above trying to get each other in trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here's how I'd play it. Talk to your mom if you're legitimately concerned about your brother's health and safety, you don't necessarily need to rat him out about the beer, just mention that you're worried about him. Like I said above, it's your mom's job to be the parent and keep an eye out for these things, particularly if she's already had to talk with him about this. &lt;strong&gt;Let the parent be the parent.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But again, stop snooping, it's not your job and it'll likely mess up your relationship with your brother. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T14:26:13.803" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T14:26:13.803" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15627" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15631" CreationDate="2018-06-16T07:39:42.583" Score="2" ViewCount="242" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The issue:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A very close relative of mine just went through break up. After eight years together, his (ex-) girlfriend left him for a mutual friend of both of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now there is quite a distance separating the two of us, so it would quite difficult for me to visit him (at least within the next few weeks). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, his birthday is approaching. I am going to be seeing him then and I would like to seize the opportunity to comfort him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On another note, I would consider myself to be socially awkward which doesn't come as a help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, somewhat before that relationship had started, my relative went through a &quot;mild&quot; depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I help this relative going through this process?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I figured in such situations distraction and time are probably key. However, this is hardly answering my question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PS:&lt;/strong&gt; I tried to find similar questions pre-posting without success. Apologies if my questions comes as duplicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18918" LastActivityDate="2018-06-17T06:37:37.233" Title="Consoling a close relative post-break-up" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-06-18T01:39:06.840" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="631" CreationDate="2018-06-16T09:01:50.617" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are the contributing factors that set the &amp;quot;proper&amp;quot; depth of explaining a question or a statement, and what can one do to overcome it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Generally, expectations.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are talking to your coworkers and feeling the need to explain why you are doing your job, that's probably too much. If you're explaining how they should be doing &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; job, in a way that they should already  If you are talking to your friends and retelling a story they don't love to pieces, that's probably too much. If you are telling your husband you love him for the ten thousandth time, well, damn, that's exactly what you should be doing... but it does save time and increase sincerity for you to take that thought every so often and &lt;em&gt;show&lt;/em&gt; him in actions instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As a general rule, you go into more depth and intimacy with those who are closer&lt;/strong&gt;; and skim a lot more for those further out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You go into more depth and detail when it's a new and/or important topic&lt;/strong&gt;; and skim a lot more when you're covering something you know they know well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Specifically, social cues.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wife or your friends will be far more patient with you than strangers, who will just cut you off with a remark or a glare. Your post suggests you don't want to bother them? Well, &lt;strong&gt;just pay attention&lt;/strong&gt; to if they look bored or impatient. Give them chances for a call-and-response in your explanation with filler bits like &amp;quot;y'know?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;you see what's going to happen?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;like that time you...&amp;quot; Shared experience and recollection is the mortar of social interaction, and your relationships are stronger when you show that you've been paying attention. (To the level appropriate to your relationship, of course...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pay attention to what &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; pay attention to. If they have to cut you short because of something else, pay attention to whether they bring it up again on their own, forget about it, or avoid letting it come up again. If the bad responses start to happen too often and the relationship should be closer than that, bring it up in a curious and helpful but not wounded way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As a general rule, you go into more depth and repetition when they're obviously loving your interaction&lt;/strong&gt;; and skim a lot more for those who couldn't be arsed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You go more slowly and pay more attention to reactions w/sensitive topics or criticism&lt;/strong&gt;; you get more leeway from people with a long history with you, but that intimacy should also mean you &lt;em&gt;care&lt;/em&gt; more about their reactions and have been learning how to best handle them as you've been together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Always try to be see things from their POV and be helpful with their aims&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; condescending or forgetting they should have their own strengths, duties, and interest in making &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; life easier as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18715" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-16T09:01:50.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15630" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-16T21:40:41.690" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As well as the answers above, I would add two approaches :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;First, use a tone that doesn't make a &quot;big deal&quot;, by which I mean, instead of (say) &quot;eww, your teeth are gross&quot;, try &lt;em&gt;&quot;snuggles after teeth! Off you go!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, in a light tone. The advantage being, its low emotional stress and doesn't get tiresome or irritating if you have to do it quite a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Second, be aware it could signify other things. For example, he may not see it as important. He may have a poor sense of smell and not have the reminder that jogs you each time. He may not have grown up in a peer group or with friends where he picked up the lessons that you did, so they might not be in his mind as they are for most people. He may see his wellbeing as fine, and that he doesn't need to do more. He might not easily identify with how you see it. For all anyone knows, he could have some kind of hidden disability that he,you and the world don't know of (unlikely but can happen) which makes it unusually hard to do some things. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But a good partner and friend is not that easy to find. If the price is a brief &quot;teeth before bed, big boy!&quot; or &quot;These clothes!&quot;, and he can pick up other stuff fine, those might be a small compromise for an otherwise very good relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in any event, read up on &quot;emotional labour&quot;, a closely related concept relevant to what you describe, and at some future time, show him and see if he can pick up the idea. Because you are right, you don't want to be a parent to him, and this will help you be aware of the limits, and avoid that .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2018-06-17T04:16:20.317" LastActivityDate="2018-06-17T04:16:20.317" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15627" CreationDate="2018-06-16T22:20:13.763" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no real magic formula to helping someone cope through a hard time.  When I've gone through hard times, different friends have done different things.  What they have done has depended on their personality and my state at the time.  So there's no real &quot;if A then B&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first place to start is to be there for your relative.  I've found that starting out with a minimal agenda other than &quot;be there for them&quot; has been the most productive.  That allows flexibility and doesn't tie me to a specific path. The best thing that I ever experienced when breaking off a relationship was telling a friend, who immediately responded, &quot;Wanna get a beer?&quot;  That offer to spend time together meant more than anything anyone else could have said.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd start by seeing if he wants to do something he would normally enjoy.  If not, see what he wants to do.  He may be looking for exactly that - getting away from things that remind him of the relationship and a return to normalcy.  Or he may want to cry.  If that's the case, I'd let that happen as long as he doesn't descend into self-pity.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen that people tend to go through a grieving process when relationships end.  There is sometimes denial (Maybe we can get back together), sadness (crying, etc), anger (that [fill in expletive here]), bargaining (if I just change, maybe we can restart) and finally acceptance.  You never really forget a long relationship and it takes time to deal with the sadness of no longer being in that relationship, but it happens.  I've seen it happen with divorced relatives as well as widowed grandmothers.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, he and only he can navigate through this.  You can't change his feelings or perspective.  But what you can do is show him that others do care about him and that his life will continue on.  Empathize and listen.  That will be your best guide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things to not do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Insult ex-girlfriend.  It comes across as fake and makes people question what you thought of her when she was around&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say &quot;There will be someone else&quot;  Really?  Can you prove that?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say &quot;It happens for a reason&quot;  Sometimes things just happen&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say &quot;It wasn't meant to be&quot;  So, the last 8 years were a waste?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Encourage bad behavior.  You don't want to be the cause of something he'll regret in the rational light of day&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-06-16T22:20:13.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15242" CreationDate="2018-06-16T23:03:19.420" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two parts we want to accomplish, make them understand that you find their question inappropriate, and make not make them uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my personal experience this can be done by acknowledging that their question had a merit, but at the same time it is none of their business. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, along these times, I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand that it is not very common for someone at my age to have a child, but this question is rather personal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By answering in the previous way, you only assume that their question was sparked by a sudden curiosity and had no malintent, but at the same time it is out of bounds. The curiosity could have been a by-product of the fact that you have a nice job, you are doing a masters and at the same time you are managing raising a son, which sounds rather impressive, which would be another reason I personally would refrain from assuming malintent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7319" LastActivityDate="2018-06-16T23:03:19.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15627" CreationDate="2018-06-17T06:37:37.233" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I help this relative going through this process?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To help people move on from past troubles, the best you could do is help them get back to leading normal life. Constantly reminding them of the past troubles even with the good intentions of &quot;comforting&quot; will do more harm than good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make his birthday the best you can. Let him be happy again. Constantly reminding people that &quot;I am here to fill the hole in your heart&quot; doesn't fill it, but it can only help to dig it deeper. Holes in people's hearts are filled by doing good things to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Flowery language and philosophy aside, nothing good is going to come out of brooding over the past. This person probably wants to forget about the relationship and make a fresh start. Don't make it harder for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="141" LastActivityDate="2018-06-17T06:37:37.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-17T10:24:56.243" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can be assertive, but in a way which is more likely to yield desirable results. Asking someone to brush their teeth is an easy 1-step process.&#xA;But asking someone to improve their fashion, cleanliness and hygiene is a bit more complex. And perhaps you are still exploring how sophisticated his thinking is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can best describe it as a parent.&#xA;If you say to a child &quot;Tidy your room&quot;, those 3 words might be meaningless.&#xA;If you say &quot;let's tidy your room&quot; and you demonstrate picking up the dirty clothes, putting the lego into the lego box etc etc they are more likely to know what to do in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this chaps case, you might have to be explicit with the instructions.&#xA;You decide what they are&#xA;eg.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No clothes with holes or stains or smells.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No coming to bed without a shower and toothbrushing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm only commenting on the elemental nature and explicitness of the instructions.&#xA;I don't know how to sugar coat it.&#xA;Perhaps some would say things like &quot;I find it really arousing to kiss you after you've brushed your teeth&quot; or &quot;I like exploring your body with my nose/tongue and so please have a shower before bed.. I'll make it worth your while !&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he fails to respond, then remove sugar coating.&#xA;If he still fails to respond, then it might be time to move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16841" LastActivityDate="2018-06-17T10:24:56.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15637" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-17T13:19:33.360" Score="11" ViewCount="986" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend (m, 23) invited me (m, 23) to a house party and after a couple of beers he talked about a club in our city which he does not like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He stated that the club is bad because the security kicked him out based on a dropped glass but did not prevent a rape of a women (I think the rape part is exaggerated but I wasn't there so I have no proof). Furthermore, he said that he hates the security because of that and would like to kill them with his hands, a machine gun or grenades. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that this story sounds rediculous, but the way he said it was serious and not meant in a funny way. I talked to his ex girlfriend (f, 21) also present at the party and she confirmed my perception of the situation. However everybody was laughing a bit but it was just because the situation was awkward. &#xA;It is not the first time that he is mentioning a scenario like this and it starts to annoy me and his ex girlfriend so much that we are thinking about not hanging out with him anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional information about his personality: He had a weed addiction, but right now he is not smoking that much (once in 2 month, maybe less), he does not feel good about himself especially what women think about his visual appearance (in my opinion his visual appearance is great, but he thinks that he is not tall enough), he has a bad relationship to his father, who expects a lot of him, while he is not able to deliver, and probably additional problems that I am not aware of right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After I stated the situation, I want to say that I don't think that he will do it in the near feature but I think that if he gets worse in his mental state, then there might be a possibility of him doing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to help my friend and I have these options in mind: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to talk to him about his behavior and that it is not acceptable to talk like that in general or within a party group. Additionally I want to make absolutely clear that he needs to adjust his mindset towards a positive attitude. My problem with this is that I want to make my point clear without being to aggressive which would make it unlikely for me coming through to him. How can I find a good balance? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I also want him to see an expert e.g. a psychotherapist. I already tried to gently talk him into that by showing that I understand his problem but also stating that I am not qualified to help him. How can I tackle this problem in a conversation?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;it's my first question on this site so feel free to suggest tags and improvements to my question&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: Rephrased the list. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10371" LastEditorUserId="10371" LastEditDate="2018-06-17T18:48:29.947" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T07:17:45.640" Title="How to talk to a friend claiming to go on a rampage?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15638" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15640" CreationDate="2018-06-17T13:28:32.160" Score="0" ViewCount="1369" Body="&lt;p&gt;At my work there are these two colleagues, let's call them Bob and Adam just for convenience, who have a history of trash-talking about literally everyone in the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently I've stumbled upon a piece of an IM log between them - don't ask how, I know that the log is 100% legit. This time they decided to talk trash about me. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation Adam told he doesn't think that Inmir (me) has ever been on a date. Bob pretty much agreed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; true. Indeed, I have never been on one. Now I don't particularly care about this 'deficiency' of mine or this chatlog specifically - witnessing how many people Adam and Bob have talked trash about I had no doubt that eventually they'll do that to me too, online or offline. &lt;em&gt;What&lt;/em&gt; grinds my gears is that I cannot ascertain if this particular sentence was an accurate observation on Adam's part or just something he uttered that happened to be true at the moment. Well, looks like he scored anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could I potentially give out any 'virgin' tells? I tried to work something out but couldn't. I don't and never did talk about my relationships, lack of them, personal life or anything like that, being an introvert - and a kinda extreme one - and a private person in general. My clothes are pretty generic for me being 25 years old, none of that stuff like fedoras or trenchcoats. I maintain my hygiene too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I possibly get 'outed' in this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18935" LastEditorUserId="11109" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T03:30:27.070" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T03:30:27.070" Title="Is there something that screams 'virgin' about me?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-06-17T16:45:46.643" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15622" CreationDate="2018-06-17T14:12:20.570" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;How can you tell her?  First, you have to make a choice from three options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A) Tell the truth.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;B) Make up a story that sounds plausible, and lie your heart out.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;C) Decide not to say anything to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option B) always seems the most attractive.  I used to take that option a lot.  I was a snoop, a liar, a thief, and a cheat (with board games and card games).  I can tell you, that going down road B) will never make you feel good inside about yourself.  I'm secretly hoping you don't choose B).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That leaves A) and C).  If you are going to tell the truth, be completely honest. There is no good reason why you went snooping, so acknowledge that fact.  Own that you did something that you know was wrong. You owe your brother an apology for snooping, whether you admit it or not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am hoping that whether you choose option A) or C), you will see that snooping only leads to internal turmoil. Learn from this if you can.  In future, whenever you get that cheeky, excited urge to snoop? Remember this. It was not worth it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you choose Option C), you will still know deep inside that you owe your brother an apology, and that your mother would want to know what you know. If you take this option, be very careful that your guilty feelings don't turn into resentment. Sometimes when we feel guilty inside about something, we sort of 'blame' the other people and turn the guilt into resentment... like you could resent your brother for having the beer, and your mother because you find it hard to open up to her. If you go down path C), make sure that when you find yourself overreacting and feeling overly angry at them, you acknowledge that it is actually about &quot;the beer in the fridge&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18934" LastEditorDisplayName="user12404" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T03:30:39.340" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T03:30:39.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15638" CreationDate="2018-06-17T14:36:12.977" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes.  It is very subtle but it is there.  The fact that you are wondering in the first place; - &quot;Is there something that screams 'virgin' about me?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you are wondering/worrying about it, shows that you almost feel like there is something wrong/abnormal/lacking in you.  When we feel a little bit ashamed of our differences, it shows in our body language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we feel like we are &quot;not like everyone else&quot; in an embarrassed way, the only way to 'hide' it is to withdraw even more, from people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm trying to say is... You may be different, but it's a good different.  I'm not like everyone else either, and I'm glad I'm not! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inmir, when the time is right (whatever 'right' is for you), you may choose to no-longer-be-a-virgin.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were having a 'sex life' at the moment, I don't think you'd be sharing it with your colleagues anyway. It is your prerogative to keep your personal life to yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob and Adam will be talking about someone else next week.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Enjoy being you. You are a unique individual, there is no one else exactly like you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18934" LastEditorUserId="18934" LastEditDate="2018-06-17T15:06:13.683" LastActivityDate="2018-06-17T15:06:13.683" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15641" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15638" CreationDate="2018-06-17T14:46:38.420" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is hard to tell just through your post if you give out anything specific that would trigger such comments or if it's just a blind guess on your colleuges side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I could point out however is that you are focusing on completly wrong factors when listing things about yourself that could possibly point towards you not having dates in the past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you may or may not know most of the communication is taken by your body language, which consist of such things as the way you speak, the way you move, the way you interact with other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like me you happen to be an introverted person and that might mean many things, for example it might mean that you prefer to spend time alone rather then talking with your other collegues, maybe you don't feel as comfortable as others around your female coworkers. There are many, very subtle informations provided by your body language and your interactions with others, that might cause others to have certain assumptions about you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, stereotypical guy who would have a lot of dates is often portrayed in mass media as extravertical, high energy person. The contrast between the stereotype and your person might be the factor of them saying such things, but don't let that get to you, good luck :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18755" LastActivityDate="2018-06-17T14:46:38.420" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15637" CreationDate="2018-06-17T19:28:51.067" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk with other people first what they perceived and what they know about his behavior&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does he&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;show unreasonable and boorish behavior?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;has problems with the family? (yes)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;has alcohol or drug problems? (yes)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;has problems with rage and hatred, tells violence fantasies? (yes)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is moving slowly(!) into self-induced social isolation and his behavior is getting more and more aggressive?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is known to have an affinity to weapons and his home suspiciously looks like having weapons?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;threatens a amok run? (yes)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another hint is that in German culture talking about real violence is kind of taboo, so openly speaking about it is frowned upon. This also explains the kind of nervous laughter, you don't expect something like that, not even as a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.zis-online.com/dat/artikel/2011_5_562.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here is a PDF in German about suspected amok runs on schools and how the perpetrators acted. 2009 the police noted 229 complaints about amok threats and only 11 were inconsistent and 3 were serious, so it is very likely that nothing is going on. In all serious cases there was no further problems after psychatric help was enforced.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply tell the other people that you are disturbed by his utterings, have a bad feeling and you want to know what others are thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have a fact check and there are too many red flags, &lt;strong&gt;call immediately the police.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One comment mentioned swatting, but this does not happen in Germany often. Normally they will get a search warrant and look up if they find something suspicious, warn him and, if acting suspiciously, getting him into a psychatric clinic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The important thing is: In all known amok runs here in Germany the perpetrator &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; in fact warn about his intent which indicates that they often want someone to stop them, so if you note suspicious behavior, call the police.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastEditorUserId="8702" LastEditDate="2018-06-17T19:47:02.483" LastActivityDate="2018-06-17T19:47:02.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15541" CreationDate="2018-06-17T23:16:39.977" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Manage Expectations.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine a friend is doing you a simple favor, one which all your other friends have done for you before for free, and when he's finished he's suddenly giving you a bill. A bill he's never mentioned before. Your reaction would hopefully be better than that of your girlfriend, but you'd still be surprised, and not in a good way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is asking her to pay up, AFTER rendering the service, thus surprising and likely offending her. She seems to have a rather different background from yours, so she grew up being driven around by boyfriends at their expense - this is her normal. You're charging for a service which she had assumed to be free of charge. You would have offended her less if you would have brought up the topic BEFORE driving her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some level of inequality is perfectly normal in every healty relationship. One person will do more cleaning, the other might do more cooking, one might need more time to spend with their friends, etc. What's important is that nobody feels used, which can be solved by talking and listening, and by sharing and adapting expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1993" LastEditorUserId="1993" LastEditDate="2019-12-03T10:08:18.800" LastActivityDate="2019-12-03T10:08:18.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7371" CreationDate="2018-06-17T23:28:15.003" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to do&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, there's a chance that what you've discovered isn't conclusive. Before you attempt to tell him, try to think of some ways of verifying your claim. Consult some experts on the subject if you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can confirm your suspicions or can't confirm either way, then you should let him know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to do it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same way you tell anyone something very important and potentially life-changing. Sit him down in a quiet room somewhere, preferably at home (his or yours), either alone or with your mother, and then tell him the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might already know, he might not. Either way it's important to be open and honest and to let him know what you've found.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the harder it is to tell someone something, the more important it is to tell them. Keeping secrets and hiding the truth is usually just delaying the inevitable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that whether your grandfather was your father's biological father or not is nowhere near as important as the fact that your grandfather raised him. I find that people often hold biological relationships above actual personal relationships, but blood isn't always thicker than water. For all intents and purposes, your grandfather is still your father's father in every aspect but biology. Be sure to remind your father of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I acknowledge that many people are saying &quot;don't tell him&quot;, but I disagree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, it's going to be upsetting if he doesn't know already, but if you keep it hidden from him then it's going to keep playing on his mind. Chances are you'll eventually cave in and tell him anyway and he'll be wanting to know why you kept it from him for so long, which is going to be far more detrimental to your relationship than if you're honest with him from the start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might seem catestrophic, but as I said before, it doesn't change that your father's father was the one who raised him. It doesn't magically undo all the things his father said or did. The father who raised him is more of a father than his biological father is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sooner he learns the truth, the sooner he can come to accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Astralbee's argument that there might be a medical impact of this revelation is also important. For example, certain heart conditions can be inherited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastActivityDate="2018-06-17T23:28:15.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15648" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15650" CreationDate="2018-06-17T23:55:28.383" Score="8" ViewCount="2717" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was good friends with someone for the better part of 7 years, lately we've been drifting apart but have to spend a long holiday together overseas in a few weeks. Cancelling is not an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The issue:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this trip, I have arranged to meet with a long time friend from high school. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I do not want to meet my friend while in the company of the person I'm travelling with.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, the person I'm travelling with is rather socially awkward and shy, I don't think they will be okay with having to go do activities on their own and I'm afraid that asking them to do this will make things awkward between us (I'm trying to avoid animosity during the trip). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I politely and convincingly tell them that I don't want them to come along with me to meet my friend?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-10-22T05:18:10.810" LastActivityDate="2019-10-22T05:18:10.810" Title="How do I politely tell someone I don't want them to meet a friend with me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15648" CreationDate="2018-06-18T06:23:41.757" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;on 'Date' I am planning to meet up with a long time friend from high school and we have some catching up to do. It will take the better part of the day, so you might want to look for some activities you can do on your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is nice enough, to the point and suggestive enough that she will understand she is not invited. Should she invite herself, tell her your other friend isn't good with other people and you rather have a more intimate get together between long time friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6191" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T07:22:51.097" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T07:22:51.097" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15358" CreationDate="2018-06-18T08:44:34.980" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You live in a wonderful time to be an 'out' introvert (even if you're not, really).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some settings, it's traditionally been very difficult to get people to understand that you're truly wired differently than others.  Even in my lifetime, it was more frequently assumed that I was shy and needed experience rather than it being a different personality type that would never actively enjoy those activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a conversation I have frequently, and over the years, it's become easier and easier.  It does need to be tailored to your situation but here's what I usually start with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I really appreciate that you want me to go out with you, but I have to be honest.  I'm pretty introverted and these types of activities are mentally draining to me.  Rather than getting to unwind at the end of the day, which these do for you, it actually leaves me even more tired and drained.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It means a lot to me that you want to include me and keep inviting me, but understand that this is something I can't keep doing twice a week.  These types of night out are more like a once a month thing for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you aren't truly an introvert, this answer has become more and more acceptable as people have learned that this isn't a social skill you just haven't developed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/tests/personality/extroversion-introversion-test&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Take a test&lt;/a&gt; to figure out where you fit on the scale.  Knowing will help you approach others, and if this is a new revelation for you, it will give you a lot of reading material on how to approach situations you don't get anything out of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&#xA;For reference, I've been the Executive Vice President of a software development company and I've been asked to speak at NADA and other industry conferences around the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to get too much into a discussion about what introversion is and isn't, but it can have very little, or at great deal, of impact on your career. It's a common belief that introverts are all shy and socially awkward. It's true that plenty of us end up that way because they don't enjoy those interactions, so they either fear them, or never develop them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't have to be the case, and it's entirely possible to be an excellent asset to your company without going out and drinking several nights a week. I could (and have) make a strong argument that you're more of an asset for not doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you do get challenged on it, you have a couple of options.  First, try and redirect the venue to something you'd enjoy more.  Look for a code jam nearby and encourage everyone to go. When they don't want to, give them a hard time (and be merciless about it). Tell them that they invite you all the time to the bar, and you begrudgingly go, and this is more your speed and you expect them to return the favor. If that's not their scene, they'll quickly come around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, if you work in a very specific (albeit rare) environment where after hours activities truly are a requirement for the job and there's a glass ceiling to anyone who doesn't participate, you might have to move on. I can assure you though, that isn't the norm (speaking with both US and UK experience.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T14:06:15.530" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15653" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-18T09:14:44.117" Score="10" ViewCount="2119" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: I live in Germany and come from an eastern-european country, I am 30 and female. The man in question, let's call him Ben, is from Germany, he is 55, he recently married Alice, she's 40 and also comes from an eastern-european country (and speaks my language). Alice is a friend of my ex, through whom I met both Alice and Ben. We have seen each other only a handful of times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So Ben is a nice guy, me and him have similar jobs, he's very considerate towards Alice and will do anything to make her happy. But he's pretty lonely since most of his friends have somehow lost touch with him (family lives and the like), he likes me a lot and wants to be friends with me. Me and his wife are passionate about the same sport where normally one needs a sports partner. So he really wants me and her to do this sport together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, I don't want to be friends with Alice. She is totally not my type of person. She's a kind person, but - I'm sorry for being blunt - incredibly stupid. Please just believe me on this. Ben also knows this (everyone knows this). But he doesn't understand that the fact that Alice herself likes me doesn't make me like her. I don't want to go in for sports with her, sometimes that might involve going away for the whole weekend, and I most definitely don't want to spend my whole weekend with her. On the other side, I would probably like to stay friends with Ben because he is a nice person and I see that he needs a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thought in the whole story is that I am inclined to believe that even being married Ben can't help having some romantic interest in me which might grow if I communicate with him more, which further complicates matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am unsure how to handle this whole situation. So I guess I would like to ask, how could I tell Ben I can stay friends with him, but 1. with strictly no romance involved, 2. without having to communicate with his wife without him? I have told him numerous times I don't like her and why I don't like her, he doesn't understand and keeps telling me that she likes me. If all that goes wrong, I might opt for ending the whole friendship story with him altogether as well, but I really need to make it nice and not to hurt his and her feelings. Due to the same sport, I do bump into her sometimes and I don't want to cringe every time I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope I have made it clear. If questions arise, I will try to clarify.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE: I am sorry, I don't seem to see any comment button! Tried  in two browsers already, previously I was able to comment posts, but now I just don't see any button=((( I will answer the questions here then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is alice aware that you don't like her, and why you dont like her? – yes, she very well is.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How/where/when do you interact outside of that sports thing? Is this specifically about asking him not to bring his wife to that sports thing anymore and only do the sport with you exclusively instead? – Ben does not do this sport. I communicate with him via messages and sometimes visit them. He just wants me to go in for sports with her, he knows both of us do it all the time and both of us are often in need of a partner. Visiting them is fine, I can handle her if he is there.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Could Ben be telling you he isn't interested in a friendship with you alone, that is why he is pushing you to his wife? – No, I am quite sure it's not the case. He just wants his wife to be happy and he actually thinks I will also benefit from communicating with her, but that will not be true.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE 2: For the curious: I didn't write them for a while (actually since starting this topic), Ben wrote to me yesterday and I told him I have a feeling he likes me not just a friend, so it's not the best idea for us to communicate more. He seemed to understand, so I guess that was the easiest option after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11147" LastEditorUserId="11147" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T15:15:19.020" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T15:15:19.020" Title="How to be friends with a man, but not with his wife" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15654" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15648" CreationDate="2018-06-18T10:20:35.237" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been on holidays and had arguments, if you are not getting along then doing seperate activities is perfectly normal during trips. In your case, I think this is especially true because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she made it clear to me that she doesn't want to see me outside of work any longer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, this calls into question whether your intuition that &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;I don't think she will be okay with having to go do activities on her own&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; is correct or not because it is the exact opposite of what she has attempted to make clear previously. Even holidays where I am getting along great with everyone can include moments where I need/want to do something alone and this is fine. Of course you want to help each other out, be there when needed and try to have a good time together but that does not mean you are responsible for keeping the other entertained 24/7. Trying to do so may end up wearing you out, suffocating her and creating a &lt;strong&gt;worse&lt;/strong&gt; time for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, considering these things I believe that being polite and avoiding animosity invite a different goal than explaining why you don't want &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; to go with you. Instead, I think politeness will be more about making sure your absence does not suddenly cause inconvenience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This means telling her early enough so that she can make new plans.&lt;/em&gt; She may not always tell you her plans, she may have already paid for something, she may have been hyping herself up for something so it is important to let her know as early as possible. &lt;em&gt;It also means to ask and being willing to compromise about the usage of any shared resources.&lt;/em&gt; If you have one car, or even something that seems insignificant, be sure to check if its okay for you to use it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you inform her is up to you. I think the other details mentioned are more important for staying polite but as a general template @Robin's answer is more than fine:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;on 'Date' I am planning to meet up with a long time friend from high school and we have some catching up to do. It will take the better part of the day, so you might want to look for some activities you can do on your own. - @Robin&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some general pointers for limiting an aggressive escalation of conflict is to remain calm, and when giving reasons try to focus on yourself. Putting the focus on the other person in &lt;a href=&quot;http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/comm440-540/escalate.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;situations like this leads to defensive retaliation and conflict escalation.&lt;/a&gt; For a quick example, saying &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;I want to go alone&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; might be a good alternative to &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;I don't want &lt;strong&gt;her/you&lt;/strong&gt; to come&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit in response to comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that she is glad to not be your personal friend, and that she bluntly stated that she was &lt;strong&gt;prepared to endure&lt;/strong&gt; your company only makes me feel stronger about my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of her behaviour indicates to me that this will be different from your previous trips. She has made it abundantly clear that she is trying to distance herself from you and yet you are still planning the whole trip with the thought that spending part of one day apart is a big/bad issue. She is not a child, and acting like it is your job to make sure that you two are doing things together the entire time after she has told you she does not want to spend time with you will only smother her and raise tensions even higher. Even if you are right, and she really does expect you to spend every waking minute with her that is an &lt;strong&gt;unreasonable request&lt;/strong&gt; and it is not your job to adhere to it. You have a right to do something for yourself while on holiday and there is nothing wrong with letting her know and calmly/responsibly informing her of your plans and if her actions are at all a representation of how she feels then she will probably appreciate the time alone anyway. You may not understand her reasoning, you may wish to be closer again but taking on this role is not helping either of you. Your only actual responsibility is to... be responsible. Don't worry about how she will react so much that you put off telling her until the last minute and ruin some plan she might have had. If anything, &lt;strong&gt;that&lt;/strong&gt; is what might create animosity. So be polite, organise the details early, meet up with your other friend and as is very normal even between good friends, give her some space... after all, she IS asking for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T01:33:24.740" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-18T11:43:09.497" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I support BradC's answer (give a fixed boring reply to every statement that you do not want to start arguing about), in the sense that it is the easiest way to shut down an unproductive conversation. However, if you are feeling bored and want to play around, you could try replying in a manner that agrees but makes it seem ridiculous, at the same time:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I was walking home from work...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;&quot;No you weren't, you have no feet!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;      &lt;p&gt;&quot;Alright. I must have flown home from work.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;And saw a cat ...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;    &lt;p&gt;&quot;Impossible, cats are extinct!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &#xA;    &lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;      &lt;p&gt;&quot;Maybe extinct in this house, I guess.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;    &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can keep doing this, namely not directly disputing anything but making it even more ridiculous than it started, eventually the conversation will lose steam, but you have to be prepared to take a while to reach that point. But if he never stops, you may have to back out and resort to BradC's approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12070" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T11:43:09.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15657" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-18T12:15:13.603" Score="30" ViewCount="9934" Body="&lt;p&gt;My SO (legal life-partnership status&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;) and I have been together for  6 years and bought a house together 1 year ago. He has a great paying job and earns about 3 times my salary. I have a decent pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we bought the house, we decided to go for a little more expensive house and split the costs according to our salaries. That comes down to about 75% vs 25%. We logged this in our partnership agreement and have the money come from a shared account. Even 25% of those costs is pretty hefty for me, but I would have a few hundred euro left to save up a little bit, buy clothes, do sports etc so I was fine with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He keeps disagreeing with how much I pay for things that go beyond mortgage/electricity (like city taxes, a broken appliance etc) however, making me pay more than we agreed upon. This causes financial discomfort for me and I have had to cancel things like sport classes due to this. He is still able to fund his (rather expensive) hobbies however. On the other side, he has decided to pay for things like an expensive garden overhaul out of his own pocket as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He gets very defensive when I say I don't think it is fair to ask 50/50 on some things, whenever he sees fit, as our partnership document states 75/25. He will demand money as long as I have it in my account, doesn't matter if that leaves me with €&amp;thinsp;500 or €&amp;thinsp;5.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to solve this as I don't think his arguments are fair. I am out of things to say to make him see my side and I would like to have a proper discussion without it escalating into a fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I say to counter his, in my eyes, unfair arguments without it turning into a fight?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;__________&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; &lt;em&gt;Geregistreerd Partnerschap&lt;/em&gt; (&quot;registered partnership&quot;) is a Dutch legal status similar to marriage that makes you financial partners. This means that if one ever stops paying taxes, can't pay a speeding ticket etc., then the other is accountable. I could use his last name if I wanted to. It also means that you get to set up a document with a few decisions about the partnership. In our specific case, we have set the ownership of the house we bought, and 'house costs' that come with that, to 75/25%. this means that if we ever sell the house, he will get 75% of whatever it's worth by then.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T13:49:09.183" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T15:07:16.743" Title="How to deal with discussions about finances with SO without it escalating?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;de-escalation&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15658" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-18T12:30:27.803" Score="32" ViewCount="17902" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bit of background on my relationship with my brother: ever since my teenage years, I could not bear him. I know it is common for siblings to have arguments and misunderstandings, and that's been the case with both of my siblings. However, this particular brother has long since lost my respect and love, due to a number of attitudes, character flaws, mistreatment and other issues that are irrelevant to this question. The point is: I feel no sympathy for this brother and look forward to moving out so I never have to see his face again, but I don't think he's aware of my feelings towards him (note that me moving out might take a few years, whereas he wants this tattoo in a few weeks). While it's understandable he'd still love me and want to be a part of my life, he just assumes I reciprocate - somehow missing my obvious neglect of reciprocity for years. Just to be clear, I've had arguments and misunderstandings - even physical fights - with my other, younger brother, but we still love each other. My problem is this particular brother, and not my family relationships.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few weeks ago, he caught me by surprise with a request - I'm sorry, a &lt;em&gt;demand&lt;/em&gt; - that I design up a tattoo for him. He's made tattoos before, but recently he's converted into a branch of Christianity. I'm no artist, but I know a thing or two about typography, so he came straight to me to tell me, and I quote, that &quot;you are going to make me a tattoo with this religious message and symbol. Please find a nice font and symbol, this tattoo is very important to me. I've always known I wanted this tattoo, and God told me it had to be you&quot;. At that point I didn't know whether to laugh it off or hide in concern.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't wish to seem religiously intolerant, but I'm not religious myself. While I respect his religion, his God clearly doesn't know me well enough in that I'd never desire to have any association between myself and this brother, especially a permanent one with emotional attachment from his side. He gave me a limited amount of time to find him assets for this tattoo without ever asking if I &lt;em&gt;wanted&lt;/em&gt; to do it. Note that he only wants me to find a font/symbol for his tattoo, he's still going to a professional to get it made. (Also note that he knows I would know better than picking Comic Sans - I want to avert conflict, not instigate it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the obvious &quot;just say no&quot; answer might be right at the tip of your fingers, there are a couple complicating factors: he doesn't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer, becoming enraged when he doesn't get it his way (sometimes bordering physical assault, though thankfully I never had to experienced that), and the religious nature of this request makes it basically impossible to say no without either denying his religion or &quot;personally insulting his faith&quot;. Yes, he is manipulative and aggressive - I do have my reasons to want distance from him. He's a couple years older than me and much bigger, so I'd much rather not push his buttons. But I am decided &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to give him this tattoo design, especially since I'm sure he'll use it to attempt some sort of emotional blackmail or perceived bonding between us in the future.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; My brother wants me to make a religious tattoo for him, and his God said I would. I refuse to make it, but saying no to him could make him rather aggressive.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the question, though you might have already guessed:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;How do I assertively say no to my brother's request of religious nature without starting a fight?&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goals:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not making the design: making it would be infinitely easier for the conflict, but in the long run something I'd eternally regret, so not an option;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not getting him angry or in a religious rant: I really don't want to trigger him. This includes questioning the validity of his choice based on whether or not he agrees with Leviticus 19:28;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bonus points if he doesn't try to coerce my parents into peer-pressuring me (though that's probably going to happen);&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Extra bonus points if somehow he accepts it in a understanding fashion (the least tension between us the better).  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; As per request via comment: I'm 24, my brother is 26. We live together with our parents in the United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17805" LastEditorUserId="17805" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T17:54:40.200" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T21:24:45.343" Title="Saying &quot;No&quot; to my brother's demand without causing an argument" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15454" CreationDate="2018-06-18T12:45:42.313" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe there are 2 possible solutions to your &quot;problem&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first is what Kyle proposes in their answer. The issue as you sensed yourself in your question is that it'll always feel somewhat confrontational to tell this friend &quot;I didn't invite you&quot; no matter how you word it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this I propose a different solution. That is to look at your &quot;problem&quot; in a different way. Let's try to interpret the &quot;thank you OP for inviting me&quot; in such a way that it doesn't matter who actually invited him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to achieve this is by looking at the host-friend as your wingman. He's trying to set the group up in such a way that this new friend he invited feels really welcome right from the start. The best way for him is by letting it look as if you had invited this friend. The proper response to the new group-member would be: &quot;Hey, we're glad to have you in our group from now on&quot; without caring about who actually did the inviting. The only important things here are: you and host-friend want to have new-friend join the group. And this has been achieved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think &quot;wingman&quot; is a bit too strong I suggest looking at it from your host-friends perspective. He might have had the following reasoning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want new-friend to join.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Everyone considers this game-night as your event.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I should ask you if new-friend can join.&#xA;You are also friends with him so I'm assuming you'll say yes anyway.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Might as well take a shortcut here and invite new-friend without having to go through the haslte of messaging back and forth with you first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure it would have been better for host-friend to actually ask you first, but does it really matter seeing how you would've said yes anyway?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of these interpretations boil down to the same thing: Your new-friend is invited in the most welcoming way possible. The most logical response to new-friend in my eyes is to do just that. Welcome him into the new group and forget about who did the actual inviting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, we're happy to have you join us!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do feel like your friend deserves credit, don't do this by telling it to new-friend. Instead, talk to your host-friend one-on-one and thank him for inviting new-friend in your name. That way he gets the emotional reward of your appreciation which more than makes up for any &quot;credit&quot; he would've gotten for being acknowledged as the one who invited new-friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T12:45:42.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15653" CreationDate="2018-06-18T13:26:07.517" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you've done a good job of explaining &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; position in this.  You want to be friends with Ben.  You don't want to be friends with Alice.  The reasons why are unimportant.  I accept that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, have you tried thinking about this from &lt;em&gt;Ben's&lt;/em&gt; perspective?  He loves his wife and he wants her to be happy.  He wants you to be friends with her because he knows she wants to be friends with you.  (The reasons &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; he wants you to be friends with her are equally as unimportant as the reasons why you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; want to be friends with her.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's unwilling to be friends with you alone, likely because he knows it would hurt his wife's feelings if she found out he was seeing you without seeing her.  (Accusations of romantic involvement aside, it would hurt her feelings that you're willing to be friends with her husband but not with her.)  Honestly, I can't really fault him for this logic.  He has made a choice to spend his life with this woman.  For you to come along and say you want to be part of &lt;em&gt;his life&lt;/em&gt; but &lt;em&gt;not hers&lt;/em&gt; is uncomfortable at best, and insulting at worst.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does that sound like a position a would-be friend would put someone in?  &lt;strong&gt;You can't have your cake and eat it, too.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to make a choice: Be friends with both, or be friends with neither.  Whatever reasons you have for choosing one over the other is not our business, but continuing to play for the middle ground is only going to hurt Alice's feelings, &lt;em&gt;and likely Ben's as well,&lt;/em&gt; if he cares for her as much as you say he does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18955" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T13:26:07.517" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15358" CreationDate="2018-06-18T13:26:46.463" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I see it you have a few options available to you in order to try and reduce, or stop participation in these after work social events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Compromise:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realise that your question states that you wish to get out of all the events, but I would counter argue that turning up to some of them is beneficial to you and your relationship with your colleagues in the long-run. If you can &lt;strong&gt;compromise&lt;/strong&gt;, it'll reduce the amount of push back that they are likely to give you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example you could be relatively honest about not going to one event in any given week by simply telling them that you have some things you want to do at home, and you'd balance this by stating that you will go out with them the next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry guys, I have stuff I want to do at home tonight, so you lot go ahead and I'll come out next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Compromising makes you declining their request to join them that night seem less defensive, and is more likely to be better received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Completely declining:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly this can be difficult, because there a lot of people whose personalities can come across very assertive, almost pushy. If you work with someone like that, then it's difficult to deal with, because all the reasons you come up with are met with a challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only options available to you here are to be persistent in declining the invitation, or come across firm. Both have the potential to be taken the wrong way. Honesty however is the best policy, but you need to be persistent if you get challenged when discussing it. The other issue is that this isn't necessarily something that's easy to bring up in general conversation with the entire group, your usually limited to declining and giving an explanation when asked about going out so your response is forced to be more concise almost by the very context of their question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Hey are you coming out tonight, we are going to the pub.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Not tonight thanks, I honestly have so much to do, i'm not really a big drinker, and I can't justify just drinking soda all night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: it'll be fun, you can just hang and chat with us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See what I mean, it's difficult if they challenge you after each time you turn them down, but all you can do is be persistent and stick to your response. This unfortunately is more down to their personality than yours in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8451" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T13:26:46.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15664" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15657" CreationDate="2018-06-18T13:39:52.420" Score="56" Body="&lt;h1&gt;A practical solution&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation I would suggest opening a joint account together for joint expenses. This is the way a lot of couples I know do things and it seems to work well for them. They have a joint account which they pay into a set amount each month (Like the 25% for the house) to pay for joint expenses such as bills, mortgages holiday etc. but they also have separate personal accounts in which they can spend the money how they like. This would hopefully leave less room for arguing about the matter as it is just set up and then left.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Personal advice (&lt;strong&gt;Opinion Based&lt;/strong&gt;)&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the best solution I can think of but your SO might still not be happy with this. It seems your partner doesn't have a very good view on sharing, preferring equality over equity. On top of this he is happy to agree to sharing but when it comes down to actually handing over money he's argumentative. I believe this is a character flaw that is unlikely to be solved without direct confrontation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18317" LastEditorUserId="3556" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T10:52:29.213" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T10:52:29.213" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15658" CreationDate="2018-06-18T14:14:08.853" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;Religion does not need to be a part of this, and neither does the fact that you dislike him.  Tattoos are (for all intents and purposes) permanent and any mistake will be there forever, so it should be best left to someone who knows what they're doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.sarahdayan.com/blog/all-you-need-to-know-before-getting-a-lettering-tattoo&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;whole blog post&lt;/a&gt; that covers the things people need to know before getting lettering tattoos.  This is ripped straight from the article and really details why you should get a professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’ve seen countless lettering tattoos where I could tell that the person made it themselves, just because of the lack of creative critical eye. Yes it’s easy to fall in love with a swirly font, yet you may not have the necessary perspective to make a creative decision that you won’t regret in a few months. What artists have is a level of skills and expertise that allows them to create artwork that you will love forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said before, religion does not even need to be a part of this, as I would not design a lettering tattoo for someone even if it was non-religious.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T14:14:08.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15658" CreationDate="2018-06-18T14:40:48.200" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have somewhat of an experience talking to moderately to very fanatic people. From the brother's speech, I take that he can't possibly fathom why you would refuse as his God told him very clearly that it must be you, and God surely knows what's up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you may expect, it's kind of a no-win situation. There is ways to ease your refusal but, in the end, he'll be the one to choose whether he wants to make a big deal out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the amount of effort you are willing to deploy, I advise you to try any of these methods:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to have a talk with someone who is the same religion as he is (or a member of your family), preferably someone you both trust or someone who is known for being understanding of others. Tell him what he wants you to do, how you feel like it's not a good idea and how you will not do it. He may be able to help you approach your brother about your stance on the matter. Best case scenario, he may be able to be present as support for you and your brother when you break out the news. The cons of this method is that it demands a lot of efforts and is highly dependent on the religion and on its members. I could use this approach successfully in the past but it was mostly because I had a good understanding of the religion I was confronted to, which may not work for you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell him you don't want to, straight and firmly, without giving any reasons or ways to have an argument, a good &quot;Look, I won't design this for you, ever, and I don't wish we talk about this again.&quot; can work wonders.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Send him a single circle or some other simple geometric shape and tell him that's the only design you'll come up with. Try to stay very serious and resolved around this and don't leave any grounds for arguments, each time he'll talk to you about it say something like &quot;You asked for a design, I gave a design which I believe is satisfactory. Don't question me about it again.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ignore him altogether, don't initiate contact, don't reply and refuse to meet. If he gets threatening or violent, call the police, file a restraining order and let things play out. You don't have to let him interfere with your life.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling people you're not &quot;The Chosen One&quot; is pretty hard and I feel what a pain such a demand may cause. I hope all goes well for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17201" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T19:37:32.247" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T19:37:32.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15658" CreationDate="2018-06-18T14:44:33.200" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you really don't want to look up a font for him, the other answers provide you with a couple of good options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm coming at it from a different angle. While you may (severely) dislike him, you could humour him a bit, and look up something. Not everything needs to be a battle of arch enemies. If the result is not to his liking, no problem. Stop right there, and just say no with the reasons provided in the other answers. But, by just doing this little gesture, maybe there is a change something might be mended, or in the very least you have 'one in the bank' to make him help you move out when you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3535" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T14:44:33.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15658" CreationDate="2018-06-18T14:58:00.727" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;The subject of why you should not design this tattoo have been covered already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I do not think the main problem is that tattoo. &lt;strong&gt;I think the problem with your brother is that he will use about anything to get people to do stuff for him. And you don't want to play along with that.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you don't play along with him, he can always ramp it up to conflict, something you would rather avoid. And he will do probably do so as long as it will give him what he wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Word(s) from God.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the annoying things with people receiving a 'Word from the Lord' is that it ends all discussion and options. Either they have, and you shall submit, or they are liars, and you should not submit. And that that last option is (almost) unmentionable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If important, God will let met know too.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that works very well with people who say they have received a 'message' from God that involves them wanting something from you, is: 'God did not tell me the same, yet. If it is that important, surely He will tell me the same thing as you.' It really does not matter if you do believe in God, for if God is God, why should he be limited by your unbelief?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now the ball is with God.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Tattoo's and christians.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the large part of christianity's history there has been a taboo and opposition to tattoo's. These days things are a bit lax in this front, as so much other things that the church fathers of old would have some stern words about. You can always point your brother to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_perspectives_on_tattooing&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;those&lt;/a&gt; (wikipedia is a bit mild on this) passages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I do not think your brother will be swayed by either argument. He wants his tattoo designed by you. If conflict is what it takes, so be it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6601" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T14:58:00.727" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15469" CreationDate="2018-06-18T15:03:12.947" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My dad's literally the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Accepted answer is correct that you need to win by making him loose. Loosing in Brad's answer is not arguing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well loosing for my dad is me arguing to the point where he starts using bulshit arguments against me. At that point I've learned over the years, that he understand he's los the argument ,but would keep arguing so it would seem he haven't lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Argue until your dad starts blabbering and it's obvious that you've won, and then diffuse any future attempts on his part to continue arguing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance in your &quot;no shop&quot; argument:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;U:I bought this awesome sandwich from Central station!&#xA;F:No you didn't there are no shops there&#xA;U:Ofcourse I did I was there two weeks ago&#xA;F:You must have been confused by another place&#xA;U:Ok here's a picture I took right infront of all the dozens of shops / here's a google images picture&#xA;(You've just won the argument here)&#xA;F:Ermmm, yeah that's photoshoped&#xA;U:Yeah sure ;) whatever you say ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, where I diffuse the argument as I've won and he knows I've won and tehre's nothing more he can say, I'll most likely be a huge ass just because f him why not!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2516" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T15:03:12.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15672" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-18T15:06:32.453" Score="1" ViewCount="484" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in a conversation with a friend who revealed they identified as &quot;trans/fluid&quot;. It wasn't said as a declaration, rather it was said in such a way as if I already knew about it. I hid my surprise moderately well and rolled with the conversation as if I did already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did this because I was embarrassed - not because of what they said, I don't care about that, just because of I thought this was probably important to them and the way they said it made me think I might have been told before and forgotten, but having time to reflect, I don't think that's the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want to know is twofold: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How I should have reacted/How should I react in a similar situation in future&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I should do anything now to explain that I didn't know (And do I also say clearly that it doesn't matter to me, or is that dismissive?) or do I just continue on like I knew already (which is now true for future conversations!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Appreciate that every individual is different, but I would especially appreciate input from other trans/fluid individuals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18960" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T06:58:05.413" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T06:58:05.413" Title="How to react to a conversation where a friend is indirectly revealed as trans/fluid" Tags="&lt;gender&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-06-18T15:30:07.047" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15672" CreationDate="2018-06-18T15:28:35.497" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is to keep in mind that your friend is like any individual you'll ever meet; just a normal human being. He doesn't represent all trans/fluid people. There's no special etiquette or magic formula of to act around them or how to react when they're coming out of the closet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Treat them the way they want to be treated.&lt;/strong&gt; It sounds obvious, but you should see how they are about being trans/fluid. Does your friend's family, friends or other relatives know about it, or does your friend want to keep it silent? Are they have difficulty with being trans/fluid, or are they proud of it? If your friend's telling this as a big secret that no-one must know because they're afraid their parents won't accept it, don't treat it as if he just told a random gossip. If your friend says during a conversation, &lt;em&gt;&quot;oh yeah, I'm trans by the way. Anyway, where was I,&quot;&lt;/em&gt; then sure, you can be surprised, but there's no need to make a big deal out of it, act surprised, worried or anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you can do now, is to be honest;&lt;/strong&gt; tell them that you were surprised and thinking about it for a while &lt;em&gt;(assuming you are)&lt;/em&gt;. Tell them you're cool with it. Do it in person, texting may come out differently than you mean to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR:&lt;/strong&gt; No need to hide your surprise. Being acceptable and being normal are different things, so be honest about being surprised. Just keep it clear you're cool with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18961" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T15:28:35.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15657" CreationDate="2018-06-18T15:39:13.743" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing is not very clear. Does he really realise that you have to cut on things that you like? If not, can you make it clear to him? I believe if two people have a loving relationship, they would normally want the other person to be happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you could also do is write down every single thing you agree upon and every single common thing each of you spends money on (like groceries for both, bills for the house and so on). Yes, it is a lot of work, but it looks like oral communication does not work in this case, so if you have it in writing, it will be more binding. Also, you have mentioned he wanted to fund the garden without waiting for you. Do put that argument down in writing as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11147" LastEditorUserId="11147" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T06:55:59.727" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T06:55:59.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15675" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-18T15:50:08.783" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Use economics.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything has costs and benefits, and people (while not perfect &lt;em&gt;Homo Economicus&lt;/em&gt;), often if not always choose to do what gives them the most &amp;quot;win&amp;quot; (benefit-cost). The tricky part her is those two are not universal, and each person has different costs and benefits figured out using their own personal utility function - often, not even consciously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Thus, the generic answer is: either raise the cost of what you want to stop, or raise the benefit of opposite behavior.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;This can be achieved either by changing explicit costs/benefits, OR, by changing their utility function calculation.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that, even within the confines of your specific (and great) question, the specific answer will be &amp;quot;it depends&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's look at both situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;1. Actual personal hygiene - teeth.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless your bf is somehow deeply special, there's no big explicit cost to brushing teeth (as usual with IPS, you should ask, not assume - maybe he's one of the pretty rare people with a gum problem that makes brushing teeth extra painful. But let's assume he's normal). The main cost is to remember doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the problem in this specific case is with the utility function - he simply doesn't assign nearly a high enough value to brushed teeth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to approach this is communication - other answers generally addressed the exact communication ways to do so in detail - you can explain the benefits of clean teeth to you (makes it pleasant to kiss), or disadvantages to unbrushed teeth (makes it gross to kiss; plus long term will cost tons of dental spending if you two are serious enough to worry about common finances).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, if he's being obstinate, considering low cost to him, I would actually go for a Trade War (yay! Modern topic reference on IPS!). Tell him you won't kiss him anymore unless his teeth are clean, since it grosses you out. If he asks why you never told him before, honestly explain that you were unwilling to start a confrontation since you like him so much. I know very few males who would willingly accept a trade of less tooth brushing at the cost of less kissing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach applies to nearly all items of true personal hygiene like this, that are generally low-cost to the person (taking showers, wearing smelly unlaundried clothes, brushing hair minimally).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, hopefully it doesn't need to be said, but be sure that you communicate gently and not stick your foot in your mouth. Maybe he brushes often but has a gum disease or some other reason he has bad breath that is largely outside his control. Not the most likely explanation, but worth discussing gently before going into &amp;quot;brush more&amp;quot; mode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;2. Superficial looks - old clothes.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, this one is definitely a different situation, with different approaches. Here, the problem is that this is truly two wholly different subjective utility functions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To him, the value of being dressed up is minimal. To you (based on &amp;quot;2 hours to get ready&amp;quot;) it's a big value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, even if the cost to both of you is about the same (at least order of magnitude), you evaluate it as &amp;quot;must, so worth it&amp;quot; and he &amp;quot;meh, not even remotely worth it&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem here is that, unlike situation #1, where the cost is objectively minimal, AND utility function - when properly explained - is reasonably objective - here utility function is truly, honestly subjective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may very well have a good point - he likes you for being YOU, and your looks for being your looks. NOT because you have made yourself extra better looking by adding nicer clothes (and, frankly, he can be one of the Aspergers people like me who honestly automatically normalizes the looks to adjust for nicer clothes bonus).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only does he possibly see no value in you being dressed up, he may even be offended or disturbed by your approach - something that you may not have considered before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you care that he dresses nicely, you don't like his looks naturally, which means you have no future together, since couples don't see each other every day in their best look, but their worst).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put it into modern HR lingo, you don't care about his authenticity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you care that much about nicer looks, you're likely to dump him for a fancy dressing GQ type man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, neither of these may be true (or it may be but you don't realize that), but they are indeed, genuine worries - either conscious or subconscious. Without addressing them, your and his utility functions have no hope of being reconciled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to discuss this and resolve it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;First, try to honestly evaluate why this is so important to you. Including the hard to palate but necessary self reflection of just why you care so much about yours and his looks. It may very well be that you dress up in order to make YOURSELF feel better, and this has nothing to do with him. Or it could be that you care so much about what others in society thing that you are ashamed of being seen with him. Or a bunch of other reasons. Be honest with yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Second, once you know your own motivation, discuss it with him, and explain to him why this is important to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g. &amp;quot;Honey, I network with a bunch of high status people, and my career can be negatively impacted by being seen with someone dressed like a hobo&amp;quot;. OK, that stings, but it's honest and gives him an objective reason to care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Third, try to see it HIS way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe he finds clothes shopping excruciating (my SO does, so do I). Maybe he has a figure that is hellishly difficult to find good clothes for. Maybe he simply isn't aware that social networking requires an effort to look better (that is typical for Aspergers types). Maybe he was raised to be &amp;quot;authentic&amp;quot; by hippie parents and thinks dressing up is a lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, try to understand the reason for his utility function being so low.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Fourth, finally, try to negotiate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other answers went into some detail here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you offer lower his cost of dressing better (Help him pick clothes. Clothes shop for him. Give him money for clothes, ala &lt;em&gt;Pretty Woman&lt;/em&gt; in reverse).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you try to let him understand why this has so much value to you (just remember, he may not share your views at best, and actively be hurt by them at worst - the very worst case scenario is, your views make you two genuinely incompatible as a couple long term).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you convince him to raise HIS utility function. Explain how your brother landed important job/contract because someone was impressed by how he dressed. Acknowledge that society sucks this way, but &lt;strong&gt;that is how the world works&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;May be you raise his benefit by offering something in trade (you dress up for me, I play some useless game with you I would otherwise prefer not to play). Or hell, by complimenting how sexy he looks in a suit and tie (it worked on me :) - especially if you demonstrate that in a way a guy will understand, not just say it :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;May be you negotiate something in the middle. He dresses up for some specific special occasions, you dress down for &amp;quot;normal&amp;quot; ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="89" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T15:50:08.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15676" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15657" CreationDate="2018-06-18T15:50:17.627" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it possible bring in a third party like a financial or relationship counselor that can help you work through and &lt;strong&gt;document&lt;/strong&gt; the expectations for finances? You could tell your SO that the two of you are clearly unable to resolve this problem on your own, and need a moderator to help out.  I've seen good counselors at work who have managed to reconcile two people who had completely different ideas on how to proceed with a problem. The key was getting the two parties to realize that the underlying goal was the same, and then hashing through how to get to the goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case you both (presumably) want a stable relationship without battling over who owes what as your circumstances change, which they are always going to do.  A neutral third party may be able to help the two of you align your goals and come up with a procedure to stay aligned over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A third party should also be able to get both of you to think about what is going to happen as the financial situation changes, while in a calm environment. So new income like bonuses or raises, or new expenses like car repairs would have been thought about and worked thru and you would both have a common understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-06-20T00:13:50.417" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T00:13:50.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15677" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15658" CreationDate="2018-06-18T16:11:33.620" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say that one of your fears is that he may &quot;try to coerce [your] parents into peer-pressuring [you].&quot; If your brother is anything like mine, when he goes to your parents about this, the story he'll be giving will be strongly slanted/embellished in his favor and painting you as a bad guy. Because of this, &lt;strong&gt;I'd suggest talking to your parents first.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying you should involve them, but they should be made aware of the situation in a way that's favorable for you just in case your brother decides to escalate. As such, I'd come to them and lay down the unarguable facts. Your brother approached you telling you that he needs to you help him with his tattoo. Your brother cited that this is religious. You don't feel comfortable helping with the tattoo. Let them know you don't want them to be involved, but just in case, you wanted to let them know what you're planning to tell your brother (and maybe they'll have some suggestions for you!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've covered your bases with your parents, &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; I'd have the conversation with the brother. In addition to the wonderful suggestions in other answers for reasons not to design the tattoo, I'd also try to &lt;strong&gt;give some alternate suggestions&lt;/strong&gt;. This could be done by finding a freelance graphic designer in your area and giving their contact to your brother or even talking to some local tattoo artists about what he's trying and relating their suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By putting in some effort and showing him that you're not just saying no, but actually putting in some work and trying to be helpful, he'll likely be more inclined to accept your decision. And in the worst case, you've already talked to your parents and so you have the cavalry behind you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T16:11:33.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15658" CreationDate="2018-06-18T16:34:34.300" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;With respect, I don't think you can have your cake and eat it too in this situation. If you really aren't going to do this tattoo I suspect you're going to have confrontation on some level. My younger brother was like this for a time and it was nigh impossible to avoid a dispute if you weren't giving him his way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such I and others can offer ways to maneuver so that your brother can't justify his anger at you, but that only works if he bothers to try such a justification. If he's like my brother, he'll get angry now and backfill his argument on the fly. In my case it was common to have me and all witnesses, every family member, and a stack of irrefutable evidence on my side and he'd start raging about my tone or the words I used. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience the way to handle this is to simply refuse with a minimum viable excuse &quot;I don't feel comfortable doing this&quot; and then refuse to answer questions about why you aren't comfortable. Don't engage any refutations either, if he claims you just hate his religion you simply reiterate that you're not going to argue about this and leave/disengage. The reason I found this effective is that if you offer no argument and don't say anything specific, he's got nothing to argue against. He can be angry that he's not getting what he wants, but thats gonna happen 100% of the time if you don't do it. So simply deny him any ammunition and endure whatever amount of flak comes from there, he'll look more the fool for blasting you over simple refusal than if he has time to build a case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mean to be callous but I think if your brother is going to become violent or dangerous he's going to do so independent of any arguments you muster. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need to actually prepare to physically protect yourself or at least have witnesses to your reasonable interaction, I'd let your parents know about your discomfort, perhaps offer them an explanation if they desire it. I dare say your brother will involve them on his own if he thinks he can get them to pressure you into it. My brother leveraged the fact that I respected my parents by threatening to drag them into things, and I'd hate to see you suffer that as well, so instead simply tell them your intent and let them make decisions on their own terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry if it's not any better but I don't think you can dodge this altogether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16337" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T16:34:34.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15682" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15658" CreationDate="2018-06-18T18:03:55.390" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;While your brother is a pain in the backside, and has made an unreasonable demand of you, you clearly have some concern for your future relationship and you don't want to make things worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I applaud you for this.  Remember that 'a soft word turns away anger' (and yes, that is scriptural).  So my advice is that you aim to be both honest and conciliatory, saying something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;' Hey bro, I'm flattered that you thought of me to do your design for&#xA;  you. Getting a tattoo is really huge!  The trouble is that it is so huge that I don't think that I can take responsibility for something that you will have &#xA;   on your skin forever.  I&#xA;  reckon that you really need to find someone more qualified than me do do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;' By the way, I am no theologian but I saw on the internet that in&#xA;  ancient times God didn't want his people to have tattoos.  Are you&#xA;  sure about doing this?  You might want to have a chat with you pastor&#xA;  about it. Just sayin' - its your thing, not mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;' So bro, sorry, but I can't chose a font for you.  I'm not refusing&#xA;  because I want to be difficult, it is just that I think it is best that I&#xA;  don't do this.  Can you be cool with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have the opportunity to be the 'grown-up' peace-maker here.  And over time  your brother should come to learn that Christian behavior is based on 'loving God and loving you neighbour' and so will do a load of growing up himself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps this conversation will help to make thing easier between you in the future.  I do hope so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Peace and blessing to you both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18972" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T18:03:55.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15683" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15806" CreationDate="2018-06-18T18:11:57.080" Score="6" ViewCount="1643" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a small consulting company. I love what I do and I love to work with my boss who is a kind of genius in our field. He is a quick thinker and can be very technical and smart. He is good and we manage to be complementary when working together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything would be perfect if he had good hygiene. He always has big sweat stains under his armpits (every. single. day.), he has bad breath and his laptop is REALLY nasty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this disgusts me to a point I find it very unpleasant to be near him. I can't think about him without thinking about his sweat stains, especially because we have a project together and I always need to sit very close to him and sometimes write things on his laptop. Plus, we meet lots of clients and I think he loses all his credibility with this bad presentation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe I am being too critical and I know I have a problem with hygiene but I think I need to do something about that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to find a smooth way to help him understand that he needs to do something about this. &#xA;Last time, I tried to say this in a natural way :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, it's so hot in here, I'm sweating so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking that maybe he would consider his own sweat, but he answered : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know right ? Wanna turn on the A/C ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I failed miserably :( and now I can't find a good way of telling him about this... &#xA;I'm afraid we will both be in a very awkward and embarrassing situation if I talk about this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell my boss about his lack of hygiene without making it awkward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18970" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T07:52:22.567" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T15:39:19.853" Title="How to tell my boss about his lack of hygiene" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15684" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15683" CreationDate="2018-06-18T19:26:36.840" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't be mistaken, your boss &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; knows he is having these issues as well.  I used to have pretty severe social anxiety (and still do to this day, albeit to a lesser extent) and I would think about every little thing &quot;wrong&quot; with me during the day.  I tend to sweat a lot when it gets hot and I would stress endlessly about the sweat on my armpits.  Other than turning on the AC, there wasn't much I could do.  My solution for this would be to preemptively turn on the AC onto a cooler setting at the start of the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt;  Ask your colleagues before you do this to make sure they are OK with it.  I would recommend against expressing the &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; reason behind why you are doing it.  Just say that you are too hot or something along those lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the bad breath, I would chew some strong, minty gum if I ever found myself forgetting to brush my teeth.  If you can't stand his breath, take some out and chew some yourself and ask him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, do you want some gum as well?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is less direct and in my opinion more professional than flatly commenting on your boss' breath.  After a while your boss might get the hint, or he might not.  In the case that he doesn't get the hint, you should be more direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take him aside and let inform him of his hygiene issues in a polite way.  Don't make any rude comments or spend a long time dwelling on it; just get to the point and express how you think his hygiene might be impacting your relationship with your clients.  The case may be that he just doesn't realize how bad his breath smells or how much he is sweating.  I would greatly appreciate it if someone told me I smelled if I didn't realize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to your comment where you state&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really can't take him aside to tell him, I would be too much embarrassed&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try placing an anonymous note on his desk instead of directly confronting him.  This saves you the embarrassment from having to talk to him face to face about the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-18T19:54:22.517" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T19:54:22.517" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-18T20:13:38.930" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;These things are not important to him.  If they were, he would do them.  You can try and convince him that these things are important but that is a difficult road that can easily lead to you giving up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, and I realize this is very hard, you need to make it clear that these things are important to you.  These are key hygienic &amp;amp; appearance values (at least in North America to my experience) and many people share these values with you.  It is not unfair to expect them.  Finally, don't focus on the behavior (you need to brush your teeth) but on the outcome (your breath is terrible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you dress nicely for a date and he shows up in clothes with holes in them then either refuse to go on the date or clearly state that it is embarrassing to  be at a fancy place with him when he is dressed as he is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If his apartment is a mess then refuse to visit him at his apartment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he does not brush his teeth refuse to kiss (as you are doing) and remark on the fact that his breath is terrible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After pointing these things out you can always offer to help.  You can also try and be friendly about it but it is important the message is clear and not muddled.  Relationships are hard, but if you fall into the trap of enabling instead of empowering then you are not really fixing the problem and it will rear its head eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18979" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T20:13:38.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15657" CreationDate="2018-06-18T21:26:21.290" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seems like all of the answers are more or less confrontational.... &#xA;A simple solution would be to spend the money on the things that you already told him that you would spend money on. Don't have enough money in your account to pay for things 100% that you shouldn't pay 100% of.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As an example, do make the payment for your hobbies regardless of how much money you have or whether or not you can make the payments for your car, or especially the house.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;He will likely abuse your finances as long as A) he can get away with it and B) it doesn't at all hurt him.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As soon as his credit score takes a hit, he will reconsider and likely show more of his true colors. He will either pay for more things himself or he will start an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question going in is: Are you prepared to have this argument. Or in other words: if this issue isn't fixed (which it likely won't without an (or in all likelihood multiple) argument, are you comfortable being in this relationship for the foreseeable future ? If so, bring up the issue whenever it arises, but without harsh words or ultimatums. It seems like this has been ongoing for a while, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12799" LastActivityDate="2018-06-18T21:26:21.290" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15689" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12115" CreationDate="2018-06-18T23:54:14.417" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;tl;dr&lt;/em&gt;-&lt;/strong&gt;  Use a color model as a reliable reference, then discuss their preferences in terms of the color model.  Whether you should actually use the term &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;colorblind&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; or even discuss their difficulties in perceiving color will probably be highly situational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1.  Use a color model&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Computers describe colors in clear, digital format, e.g. the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RGB&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;RGB color model&lt;/a&gt; which describes colors in terms of a selection of three &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primary_color&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;primary colors&lt;/a&gt;: red, green, and blue.  This creates a commonly accepted basis for analytically determining what colors are and comparing colors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get the colors in digital format.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;If you already have an image with the colors in it, you're set!  If not, then you can either use a digital camera to snap a picture (if the color is in the physical world) or use a screenshot/screen-capture tool (if the color is in the digital world).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get the colors' data.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://superuser.com/questions/255647/&quot;&gt;This question on SE.SuperUser&lt;/a&gt; shows a few methods.  For example, opening the image up in Paint on a Windows computer and then using the &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;color picker&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; tool is pretty quick and easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Look up the colors' names.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;A lot of websites (e.g. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.w3schools.com/colors/colors_converter.asp&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.color-blindness.com/color-name-hue/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;2&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://web.njit.edu/%7Ekevin/rgb.txt.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;3&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://xkcd.com/color/rgb/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;4&lt;/a&gt;) can help convert from color data like RGB to a color name.  You may want to check a few different sites as the precise names that they provide may differ a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Compare the colors' data numerically.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;If using RGB, then if you have two colors, &lt;code&gt;[100,100,100]&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;[150,200,0]&lt;/code&gt;, then it's pretty obvious that they're not the same thing.  It's probably not the case that RMS-distance over the color space of any given model well-corresponds to perceived differences in a typical human's vision, &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; significant numerical distance should still significantly reinforce the idea that two colors are different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Provide them with a quick summary-and-verifiable of the colors' names and data.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Personally I'd think to do this in an email with screenshots of the colors being sampled from the image source (e.g., in Paint) to show them the color data being retrieved, then links to the online resource that you used to get the color names from.  Ideally, this would be very simple and readily verifiable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has a few advantages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's no longer just your opinion.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Now they don't have to believe in your opinion, but rather can refer to authoritative references for color names.&#xA;If you suspect that they might be especially dubious, you could link a few different sources of names.  And if they still have any doubts, they're now in a position to investigate it themself, both empowering them and removing you from the range of those that they're in a state of disagreement with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They have a basis for understanding and discussing color.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Now that they've seen how to measure colors, look up their names, etc., they have a methodology for discussing the topic in clear, analytical terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's a cleaner, more precise form of communication.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br/&gt;For example, they can select a specific color from a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Color_wheel&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;color wheel&lt;/a&gt; and refer to it by its RGB value without stressing over how to refer to a color's name or worrying about being unclear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2.  Discuss objectives based on the color model&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that the colors' data and names have been clarified and there's a precise color model that can be used, you can consider what your objectives are in interacting with the potentially colorblind person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To steal &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/378/1006a&quot;&gt;@1006a&lt;/a&gt;'s &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12115/how-can-i-suggest-to-someone-that-he-may-potentially-be-colourblind#comment49718_12115&quot;&gt;comment&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is color (and choosing colors) an essential part of your business, or was this just an incidental conversation? The answer for this might be very different for, say, an interior design firm (may want to pick colors that appeal to the colorblind client, even if they don't work for people with different vision) versus a web design firm (need to pick colors that work for the widest variety of viewers) versus an accounting agency (may want to sidestep the issue altogether).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you're designing a website, you might be more inclined to enter into a discussion about different people perceive colors since it'd seem potentially relevant to how the website's color scheme should be selected.  Still, the focus should probably be less on &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;you're probably colorblind, go get checked out!&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; and more on how potential site visitors are likely to perceive the colors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that case, you might still discuss the topic of colorblindness, but with respect to site visitors.  For example, it's often advised that people making data visualizations avoid reliance on colors that're frequently similar in the view of common colorblind conditions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, if you're selecting a color scheme for the wall paper in someone's personal bedroom, then there'd seem to be less motivation to talk about how their color perception may differ from the general population's and you might simply focus on selecting what they enjoy.  Here, you might ask them to help you identify their color-contrast preferences, playing down what might be called &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;colorblindness&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot; as a variation in personal preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3.  Obligatory xkcd&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since color perception can vary significantly from person-to-person, including between sexes, it may be helpful to discuss the topic with people even if they're not potentially colorblind.  xkcd did a &lt;a href=&quot;https://blog.xkcd.com/2010/05/03/color-survey-results/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;color survey&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;br/&gt;      &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/MKgLD.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/MKgLD.png&quot; width=&quot;500&quot;/&gt;&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And apparently here're the color name boundaries determined from a large sample of the population:&lt;br/&gt;      &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/FxPtZ.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/FxPtZ.png&quot; width=&quot;500&quot;/&gt;&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Folks who're in a business where understanding color perception is important might do well to read up on stuff like this study.  Then if it's important to discuss the topic with clients, having references to this stuff can help facilitate discussions with clients.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1563" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T00:27:02.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15658" CreationDate="2018-06-19T00:17:30.250" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd involve my parents immediately. I know this is mentioned in an answer above as an option but I think its a priority. As a father if my son was hearing God talk to him and using this as justification for ordering his sister to design permanent tattoos for his body I'd want to know. I'd be upset if I wasn't told. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's one thing if someone talks to God in prayer but if they are hearing the voice of the Lord commanding them to do things which are permanent and destructive eg. bully their sister into designing a tattoo, that speaks to a mental health condition. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What worries me is I've read 50% of tattoo recipients later regret their tattoo. The way to not regret a decision is to take full responsibility for it upfront. People who say God told me to do something or who get their siblings to make decisions for them aren't taking any responsibility. So if you design a tattoo for him he will have you to blame. Eg. I got this stupid tattoo and it was all your idea. You'll be damned if you do and it's understandable to not want that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him you feel he should take responsibility for his own body. Then tell your parents what he's up to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18121" LastEditorUserId="18121" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T00:23:52.373" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T00:23:52.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-19T00:35:00.567" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hope this answer is helpful because it's going to be a lot shorter than others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What has worked for me is &lt;strong&gt;having more empathy&lt;/strong&gt;. I don't mean to suggest that you lack it, but I don't see any information about what is going on with him that makes him lazy about his hygiene. In my experience, the way you communicate to him your gripes about his hygiene is entirely dependent upon how much you understand his reasoning for his lifestyle. Maybe he likes to be that way, which means you bringing it up in any form could mean an argument. But maybe he is just forgetful or lazy from being tired or stoned(maybe? dont want to get too personal, but does he smoke weed or drink a lot?), there could be a lot of reasons. But right now you don't seem to be focused on the &quot;why?&quot; and instead are more focused on the &quot;must solve now&quot; and I think that tends to cause these sort of interpersonal tensions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18985" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T00:35:00.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15358" CreationDate="2018-06-19T02:50:18.580" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You can't do this, and keep your relationship exactly the same&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have friends similar to your co-workers, who enjoy regularly meeting up. It doesn't have to be with alcohol since the point is to spend time together but it is more often than not what the meet ups are centered around. We have had people who want to do something else, and we happily shift to accomodate. We have had people who do not want to meet up with us no matter what we are doing and thats OKAY. Not everyone has to enjoy hanging out with us after work but it will &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; affect the relationship we all have with that person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds to me as though by encouraging everyone to get together after work, your company is encouraging their employees to become friends. This is likely what your relationship currently is with these co-workers, more than just work-friends. Choosing to hang out twice a week is something that friends do. So, since you do not enjoy and do not ever want to hang out with them outside of work again, there is simply no way to accomplish this but have them still see you as a personal friend. &lt;strong&gt;Relationships go two ways.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I suggest working on maintaining and improving your &lt;strong&gt;professional working relationship&lt;/strong&gt; which seems to be what your true goal is anyway. You may miss out on some opportunities but so long as you make a clear distinction between your working relationship and personal relationship with these people, not having one should not automatically ruin the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I suggest you politely but firmly decline any further invitations to these events. Establish and enforce a boundary between your work life and personal life and lastly, to help the transition go smoothly put in some extra effort on your working relationships with these people. This differs between workplaces but I am not talking about buckling down and working harder necessarily. You want to bring emphasise on your work &lt;strong&gt;relationship&lt;/strong&gt; so you need to interact with them in person, for whatever the positive, professional context is for your workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T02:50:18.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15695" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15798" CreationDate="2018-06-19T03:11:23.610" Score="13" ViewCount="2656" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work as software developer for a small company and two weeks ago we got a new colleague, he was hired to work on the same team as me and our interactions so far have been friendly, he is a nice guy, polite and helpful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just now noticed that he always double checks everything I say. It first happened when he asked me to explain how the database entities of one of our costumers worked, I happily explained and he confirmed he understood. The next morning I find him asking the same question to our senior, I initially thought I may have explained poorly or he wanted a more in-deep explanation so I didn't pay much attention to it, but recently he double checks everything I say. He asks me something and then a couple moments later he ask the same question to another person, he did so even when asking questions about a software that I am the lead programmer right now and multiple people told him he should ask me, not them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is a friendly person, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt but today he asked me a simple 'yes or no' question, and yet there he went to double check what I said with another colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite it looking like he doesn't do it to intentionally hurt me, this started to hurt me badly especially because I am the only woman of the team and casually the only person he seems to double check the information, and all the times he double checked, people answered the same thing I had previously said so it's not like I'm giving the wrong answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I casually talk about this situation with him, with out sounding like I'm punishing him for asking, but pointing out that his constant double-checks are hurting me? We are both colleagues, same age, I'm not his manager or superior or anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18987" LastEditorUserId="18987" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T21:43:19.887" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T17:33:24.160" Title="How to deal with a coworker who constantly double check all I say?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15658" CreationDate="2018-06-19T06:10:40.810" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many answers here focus on arguing about the religion or the tattoo, but they seemingly miss the point of your brothers aggressive behavior when a demand of his gets denied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whether he's demanding you to design a tattoo or a poster for his wall, is not relevant.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whether he's asking for a religious design also doesn't matter here.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is the demand that is the problem. And, most importantly, the subsequent aggressive behavior (and implicit threat thereof) when his demand is denied.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Semantically, a &quot;demand&quot; strongly implies that refusal &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; lead to escalation or similarly negative consequences.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If this is how your brother intends it, avoiding a conflict when refusing is simply impossible (at the very best, you can sidestep or ignore it, but you can't prevent it from happening). Especially given your description of his behavior: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;he doesn't take &quot;no&quot; for an answer, becoming enraged when he doesn't get it his way (sometimes bordering physical assault)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sounds like &lt;em&gt;willful&lt;/em&gt; intent to punish those who refuse him; which is not something you can deflect using soft skills between you and him. Soft skills focus on explaining something that the other person doesn't understand, but in your case your brother is more than likely completely aware of his behavior and actively &lt;em&gt;chooses&lt;/em&gt; to continue behaving this way because it benefits him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You can't wake up someone who only pretends to be asleep.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I assertively say no to my brother's request of religious nature without starting a fight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned before, while you can avoid instigating a fight, you cannot avoid your brother intentionally starting a fight (when he chooses to).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing you can do here is to go public. Talk to your parents. Involve others. Make the conflict known.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This dramatically lowers what your brother stands to gain from his behavior. While he may pick a fight with you because he knows you'll yield and he gets his way anyway; doing so with others involved will generally yield to more negative responses from them as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not calling your brother abusive, I'm also not calling him &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; abusive. I'm not interested in labeling your brother here (it tends to create long comment threads that distract from the actual question and answer).   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But his behavior is &lt;em&gt;at the very least&lt;/em&gt; very similar to that of abusers&lt;/strong&gt;. The main way to avoid abuse is to be out in public. It's easier to get away with abusing someone if it's hidden from others. &lt;strong&gt;Counter that&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T11:44:41.683" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T11:44:41.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15699" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15695" CreationDate="2018-06-19T06:56:10.550" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, crossreferencing informations is generally a good thing. You might feel that he doesn't trust your experience, but in the end he is probably doing the right thing from his perspective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say you should look at it from a different perspective, as you said he joined you recently and is still new. Maybe he is still nervous and wants to make sure he understands everything right before taking action on things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also said that initially you thought you might have explained things poorly, it just might be the other way around, you explained things well but due to his limited experience or knowledge he didn't quite understand what you were saying and was too embarrassed to admit it in front of a lead programmer. He in fact might find your opinion more valuable and therefore doesn't want to look like he doesn't understand your explanation because that could make you think less of him in his head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you could do? I'd say you could maybe talk with him and make sure he understands that it's totally fine to ask questions if something is unclear, and that you are glad to help, maybe that would make him more comfortable. If that doesn't help, or maybe the problem lays in a different place, I'd say just deal with it and let him ask others if that's what he feels is right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18755" LastEditorUserId="18755" LastEditDate="2018-06-20T14:58:28.643" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T14:58:28.643" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15700" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15657" CreationDate="2018-06-19T08:36:04.953" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;have you heard of financial abuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Financial abuse&lt;/strong&gt; is an aspect of ‘coercive control’ – a pattern of&#xA;controlling, threatening and degrading behaviour that restricts a&#xA;victims’ freedom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;In the past years other house costs such as taxes etc come up and he constantly wants me to pay 50%. I have to remind him every time we agreed on the 25%. He gets annoyed, asks me how much money I have in my account etc &lt;strong&gt;and usually wants me to pay 50% anyway&lt;/strong&gt;.&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;My car broke down and we decided on financial lease so I could drive a&#xA;decent car. He wanted me to drive a very safe car so he offered to&#xA;double the amount of money I was prepared to spend on the car. Super&#xA;nice, right? Yes, &lt;strong&gt;except I've been driving the car for 6 months and he&#xA;hasn't paid once&lt;/strong&gt;.&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;Because the 75%/25% rule is in our partnership document, it also means that if we ever sell it, 75% of whatever we sell it for will be his, only 25% will be mine. So he pays more but he will get a lot more as well. It's not like I'm robbing him of that money, that 75% will never be mine.&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is making you spend more than you want to with the promise of help, then refusing that help, leaving you short of money and reliant upon him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Financial abuse involves a perpetrator using or misusing money which&#xA;limits and controls their partner’s current and future actions and&#xA;their freedom of choice. It can include using credit cards without&#xA;permission, &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;putting contractual obligations in their partner’s name,&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;and gambling with family assets. [1]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[1] Sharp, N (2008) “What’s Yours is Mine”: the different forms of economic abuse and its impact on women and children experiencing domestic violence. London: Refuge&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father did this to my Mother she only just had enough money each week to pay for food and household bills, he left her without a single penny to spend upon herself.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;He is doing this to you he is leaving you without enough money for your hobbies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;the 20k on the garden is irrelevant as &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;HE CHOSE&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; to do that, so it isn't your responsibility as I saw somewhere else &amp;quot;not your monkeys not your circus&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Money Advice:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Open up a second bank account set up a transfer for the day after you get paid and move an amount of savings into there. This way you are saving and he can't see it when he discusses how much money you have.&#xA;Sell the car you can't afford, or return it. and buy a car you can afford.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Interpersonal Advice&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a saying you can't change anybody else just how you react to them. You have learnt now he is big on promises of help but short on actual help.  So every time in the future he tries to extend you with promises of help simply say &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;no thanks I would rather do this on my own&amp;quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not open a joint account if this rings any bells, as then he will have access to all your money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T09:10:14.190" CommentCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15653" CreationDate="2018-06-19T08:50:52.280" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you don't want to spend time with Ben's wife, don't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your words, i guees, you prefer not spending time with Ben and Alice rather than spending time with Ben and Alice. On the stage of planning any activity with Ben ask him about Alice in advance. You do not have to spend time with anyone, you don't want to spend time with(except some legal cases that are not relevant to the question). Doing so, will show you whether Ben wants to spend time with and and without Alice or he does not. Both cases are the way out of the awkward situation, where you have to spend time with the incredibly stupid friend's wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1785" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T08:50:52.280" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15705" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15708" CreationDate="2018-06-19T09:28:51.710" Score="64" ViewCount="18443" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, there is this (big) guy at the gym. He is 210cm and 105Kg (~6'11&amp;quot; and 230 lbs) which makes him look like a mountain, but he seems to not understand that not everyone is naturally as big as he is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't have asked the question if this was only about me, but yesterday was infernal for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He uses a lot of space in the gym, he speaks very loud and most of all he looks at everyone and comments on absolutely e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, which makes people feel really uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday a girl had to move away from him because she could not stand his behavior anymore (watching &amp;amp; commenting). It was the first time I saw that girl and she was so upset that she told me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that you can't say anything to him because he will just deny it &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; take anything as a personal attack. Every time you're not agreeing with him, his face shows that he is pissed off and he raises his voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't really involve the staff in this since there is only one employee, the boss of the gym. He is friends with the guy and he doesn't like people complaining. So, there's not really anyone around that knows how to properly lift weights that I can involve in this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Concrete situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was bench pressing. He came in front of me just to watch. Once I was done, he said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should try to bring your elbows as close as possible to your body.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said that I was doing it properly and that I don't want to try anything else because I just want to enjoy my training safely (mainly if it sounds really bad, which in this case, was in fact bad to do).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that he just wanted, in this situation, to make me look like a weak man in front of two girls that were staying close to us, because he said it out loud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; Try it and you won't lift as much as you think you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Then he just proceeded to bench press on my towel without asking if I want him to show me.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Okay, thank you, but I don't want to change my routine. I am just enjoying my training.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; Well, if you always do what you want you won't progress, but whatever, do what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that he did go talk to another person to tell them how to work out, but for the rest of my training he did not stop checking out how my friend and I were training.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been lifting for years and I just want to train peacefully now, so I would like to be able to respond well to people like him. I don't think that they are bad people, they just don't understand how toxic they are sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to continue my normal routine without hurting him or making him hate me (intensely staring at me, not talking to me, etc)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I approach situations like the one above?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3837" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2020-04-14T18:13:50.057" Title="How to politely reject a rude advice giver at the gym that won't take it well anyways" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15705" CreationDate="2018-06-19T11:04:24.913" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;People like this seem to thrive when involved in a discussion. The solution is, therefore, simply to refuse to be engaged in one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think he will always have something to add if you disagree with him even in the slightest. Even a &quot;but&quot; in a simple &quot;Thank you, but...&quot; will give him something to latch onto and continue the &quot;discussion&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest to be nice, agree, nod, and then continue do your thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Try it and you won't lift as much as you think you can&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're right, I probably wouldn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, if you always do what you want, you won't progress but whatever, do what you want&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;OK&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll try it sometime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this in a cheerful tone (avoid looking sarcastic or annoyed) and continue with your routine as if nothing happened. There's nothing to latch onto in these answers, so the worst that can happen is that he'll add some snide remarks. You can ignore them or accept them with a smile, and he'll go away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, there's a slight chance that he'll be obnoxious enough to refuse to leave no matter what you say, in which case it would soon become harassment and would be grounds to ask the gym staff for assistance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7410" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T11:04:24.913" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15705" CreationDate="2018-06-19T11:10:13.447" Score="129" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming you are paying to use this gym, and that Mr Big-mouth is also a member, not someone employed by the gym.&#xA;I suggest you make a formal complaint to management.&lt;br&gt;&#xA; Start by telling them that you want it to be kept confidential. Tell them that he keeps giving out &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.co.nz/search?ei=luAoW9_ELI-WmAWO8ZDYAQ&amp;amp;q=unsolicited%20advice%20at%20the%20gym&amp;amp;oq=unsolicited%20advice%20at%20the%20gym&amp;amp;gs_l=psy-ab.3..0.8131.11310.0.11888.11.10.0.0.0.0.478.1188.3-2j1.3.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..8.3.1187...0i22i30k1.0.DIyLJ-vi-G8&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;unsolicited advice (at the gym)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; and that you have witnessed him bothering other people.  Ask if they have received other complaints about him yet.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most gyms will know how to deal with these situations, but if no-one ever makes a complaint, they will probably assume that there is no problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that he takes the fun out of it for you, is a big enough reason for you to say something to management.  I strongly advise you NOT to speak directly with him.  It is not your responsibility to make him aware of his off-putting manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18934" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T11:10:13.447" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15709" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-19T11:54:05.077" Score="8" ViewCount="745" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a part of an activity group of 10 members (in our case: theatre). We mostly get along pretty well, know each other for quite some years already, but have worked as such a group only for a year by now. At the moment, a split seems to be inevitable in the next season as the majority of the group has a bit of a problem with one person in a group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person (he) has been the activity mentor of most people from the group in the past and has definitely had at least a bit of a hand in helping them achieve their current status. The person is the oldest in the group, being 5-10 years older than all the others (so there is a bit of a generation gap perhaps). The person is prone to outbursts of infectious bad mood, prone to scheming (telling different things to different people in the group to achieve his goal) and is well aware of his own senior/mentor position in the group (shows that by behaviour often). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A clique of the size of half of the group is determined to throw the person out of the group as they especially do not get along neither on stage, neither on our exercises and meetings and are pretty dealt up with the person. They do not get along in terms of group vision and philosophy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My position: I am somewhere in between the person and the clique as far as group vision and philosophy go, but am also fed up with some of the scheming and antics of the person and would rather continue working with the clique that wants the person out of the group than not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am worried though about the mental status of the person if this throw-out goes as planned and would like to keep at least semi-friendly relation with the person in the long-run as we will certainly be seeing each other at least from time to time on community activities. Although the person has not been my mentor I am already feeling bad about myself just for thinking about doing this since we have known each other for plenty years now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other people in the group: one with a position similar to mine, one who is a bit inactive and one who is most likely to stick with the person till the end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am terribly sorry if this all seems confusing, but I believe that the context and at least some sub contexts (there are of course more) must be know in order to appreciate the complexity of the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could this be resolved in at least an appropriate manner?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19003" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T12:08:38.917" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T16:56:15.027" Title="How to throw out the group mentor in a proper way?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15710" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15711" CreationDate="2018-06-19T12:23:33.777" Score="27" ViewCount="9568" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I are dating for about 6 months now. We recently started talking about moving together. I really adore my girlfriend, but there are some patterns in her behavior (mostly related to money) that raise some yellow flags in me. I'm not sure if it's a problem more related to me or her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she sometimes makes comments that I should have paid something for her (e.g. for her flight tickets when we went on a vacation)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she sometimes makes comments like &quot;(her friend) Alice's boyfriend is really nice. He owns a sports car and two flats in the city centre. He is a great guy.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she recently inquired about my salary (&quot;she shares information about salary with her friends, no reason she shouldn't know mine&quot;) and after I told her, she followed by &quot;With your education/experience, you should earn more. You should do something about it.&quot; (this is possibly true)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Comments like these make me feel like I should spend/earn more to be worthy of her. I'm generally a modest person, especially when single and in everyday life (e.g. rarely eating out, no fancy car, etc. But I don't mind to spend money, say, on travelling). We go out for a dinner / drinks / movies occasionally, and I usually cover the bill. I have no problem with and would like to share all or most our resources (money etc.) with my partner when we get married, have kids, or after we live together for a few years. However, I don't feel comfortable doing it (sharing or covering her regular expenses) after 6 months of relationship, even more so due to her occasional comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I earn about 50% more than my gf. But even if this reversed, I don't think I would change my behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How can I communicate to her that I don't feel ready to share everything in this stage of relationship?&lt;/em&gt; Telling her something like &quot;I don't want to pay more things for you because I don't think we are far enough in our relationship&quot; feels quite blunt and stupid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We both work full time. We are in our late 20s, and we live in Central Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is that my girlfriend seems to have a different view about who should cover some of our expenses (at least in the current stage of our relationship). I would like to deal with this difference in a non destructive manner. I'm not sure if her different view is caused more by the fact that I earn more or by her view on gender roles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My feelings about her comments are secondary issue. The bad feelings may cease when our difference is dealt with somehow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19005" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T19:34:50.433" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T19:34:50.433" Title="Relationship - dealing with different views about spending money (who should pay for what)" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15710" CreationDate="2018-06-19T13:08:47.297" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you may have very different attitudes to money. Without wanting to sound disparaging, everything you have said points to your girlfriend wanting more material possessions than you do - sports cars, properties etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People begin to desire material wealth or possessions for a number of reasons. If someone came from money (ie they had rich parents) and enjoyed the benefits of wealth without having to work for it, they &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; continue to expect that someone else will support them in the same manner throughout their life. But equally, many people who had a very humble upbringing and lacked money go on to dream about having more, which is understandable to a degree - nobody wants to be poor. She may just be looking for some security.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say that the defining quality that shows whether someone has a healthy attitude to money or not is &lt;em&gt;whether or not they are prepared to work for it themselves&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to have observed your girlfriend's attitude to money. Ask yourself - what is her attitude to &lt;em&gt;work&lt;/em&gt;? Does she like work? If she doesn't particularly like her current job (any many don't) does she at least aspire to go on to do something better? To have a career? Does she equate the value of money with hard work? Or, do you feel that she expects &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to provide the money throughout your relationship? If it is the latter and you ignore the warning signs you could find yourself in the situation that many do - married to someone who persistently pressures them to work more and earn more, and miserable because of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you talk to her about this issue, I feel you should communicate two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The point of your question, namely that you are not ready to share everything that you have with her at this time, but also...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Without detailing what you earn, use the opportunity to show her your attitude to money, and to your work/life balance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she expects you to be something you are not then if you are honest and transparent at this stage you aren't going to end up trapped in the situation I described earlier. To be clear - I don't want to split you guys up! I may have said some negative things here but I am giving her the benefit of the doubt because as I said, there are different reasons why people aspire to have money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the matter of paying for herself you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I think it's reasonable for us to pay our own way when we go out. After all, we both work. Plus if I pay for you all the time, then it wouldn't be special when I treat you on special occasions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the matter of talking about money/salary etc, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't really like talking about money. I know money is &lt;em&gt;essential&lt;/em&gt;, but it isn't the most important thing to me. I don't want to be one of those people who works all the time and has no life. I believe it is better to be careful with the money that you have, not waste it on non-essentials, and that way I can enjoy life the way I want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she persists, just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Really, I find it quite crass to talk about how much money we earn. There are so many more interesting things we can talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The aim of this is to show her that you are smart with your money, and therefore could provide her with &lt;em&gt;security&lt;/em&gt;, but you are not materialistic and obsessed with acquiring money and possessions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this stance will show any genuine girl that you are wise with your use of money, and really that ought to be a more important quality to her than someone who has a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of money but squanders it. Just think about how many ridiculously rich people you hear about ending up bankrupt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is asking these questions to see if she will be secure with you, this should satisfy her for now. If on the other hand she really &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; looking for a rich guy, then this may just bring this important issue to the fore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T17:46:32.577" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T17:46:32.577" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15705" CreationDate="2018-06-19T14:37:54.857" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Get a pair of headphones, put them on. pretend like there's the best and loudest music playing out of those, even though you left your phone in the locker and they are just tucked in your pocket. He'd most likely not try to get your attention in any way and most likely lose interest in you when he sees there's no hope of response from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course as mentioned speak to the gym, if necessarily, repeatedly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2516" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T14:59:57.147" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T14:59:57.147" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15709" CreationDate="2018-06-19T15:20:09.773" Score="3" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talk it through.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've observed the following in my life:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone in a position of power acts in a negative way.  Additionally they act in an unapproachable way.  So people don't talk to the person.  Instead they talk amongst themselves.  The negativity amplifies.  Soon there are immense negative feelings toward the person with power.  In my opinion more than what is warranted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to avoid this? Talk to the person in position of power.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also seen this work well. (And I haven't seen you mentioning it.)  For some reason people aren't so negative when they're talking to the object of their negativity.  People will be so negative when they're talking behind someone's back.  But not as much to their face.  So it's more likely to go well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Set some boundaries.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order for him to remain in the activity group as a member, come up with a list of demands.  You mention several problems with him, but I don't understand the situation enough to give you a suggestion here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have the goal be reconciliation and preserving the relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things can go sour.  If he starts getting defensive, then you may be tempted react negatively, too.  Then people start saying things out of hurt, bitterness, etc.  Then the relationship deteriorates.  So be prepared that he gets defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he starts going on a rant.  Listen.  Listen to understand.  Don't interupt.  This will be important to show that you care about him, his feeings and what he has to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not reciprocate any negativity.  Be factual.  Be honest. Say how you feel. &#xA; But don't be negative toward him.  Instead of &quot;you do bad things and I want you to suffer&quot; you should think &quot;you do bad things and I want see you change&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it a point that you want to continue being friends, either way, and this is just about remaining in the activity group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being intentional about preserving the relationship is critical to preserving the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Plan out the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend writing out exactly what you want to say as practice.  That way you have all the ideas in your head.  Then bring a paper with high level notes on it.  Make sure you cover everything you have planned.  That way if he starts manipulating the conversation, you can go back to the plan.  The infectious bad mood and scheming made me think he was possibly manipulative, so that's why I'm including this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastEditorDisplayName="user16858" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T16:56:15.027" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T16:56:15.027" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15657" CreationDate="2018-06-19T15:45:33.087" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Figure out what the shared expenses are, at least approximately, and put a budget together.  Have a contingency for unexpected expenses (such as the broken appliance) and enough money to cover the non-monthly expenses (possibly taxes).  Err on the side of too much money, because it's going to be less painful that way.  That establishes the total household costs.  Define the contributions 75/25.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show him the budget.  Plan to use a shared account.  (You've got one for the mortgage, but you have to make sure that account always has enough for the mortgage payment.  Some people take that in stride, and others would likely dip into the mortgage.)  Each of you deposits the proper share into the shared account, and everyone pays such expenses only out of that account.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may provoke a very large argument, but that's probably better than continuing arguments.  You've got a choice with either having an argument or living like your partner wants you to.  You won't get what you want without one.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your partner doesn't agree, budget your luxuries first.  Pay for what you want and think you should have immediately after payday (or as close as you can manage), so you'll have that five euro in your account when the next appliance breaks, and your sports classes will be paid for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider making a list of household chores, and offering to divide it 50/50.  You could keep a log of time spent on chores.  Next time you get into a payment argument, demand that he do his share of the chores.  He's got more money than you, and you've got more free time than him. Mirror his arguments.  You say he appreciates the extra work you do, as long as he doesn't have to fork out money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18513" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T15:45:33.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15710" CreationDate="2018-06-19T16:26:11.363" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To solve your immediate issue of conveying that you don't want to share your assets at this time would be to halt on moving in together until you reach a consensus about money issues.  This isn't destructive, per se, but more of you saying that your relationship needs more work before moving on to the next level.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.daveramsey.com/blog/the-truth-about-money-and-relationships&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;As Dave Ramsey says&lt;/a&gt;, when it comes to money and relationships, you can't think in terms of &quot;mine&quot; and &quot;theirs&quot;.  It's supposed to be &quot;ours&quot;.  You're supposed to be on the same team.  Any serious relationship up to and including marriage is based on the ability to compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So she wanted to you to pay for a vacation?  Instead of shutting it down, find a compromise you can both be happy with.  Say you pay for the airfare and hotel accommodations, and she pays for the food and events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even in my own experiences of living with an SO, having one person pay for most things can lead to contentious arguments and even resentment from having them cover everything.  If I had taken the time to work these issues out before moving in with them, we would have been in a better position to work through our issues.  In all future relationships then on, I made it a point that I'm not going to foot the bill for everything or expect them to.  My current relationship feels stronger because at the very least, monetary expectations are already clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8151" LastEditorUserId="8151" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T16:33:17.077" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T16:33:17.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15724" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-19T17:21:47.513" Score="203" ViewCount="35550" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm a girl&lt;/strong&gt;. Quite a few of my &lt;strong&gt;friends are guys&lt;/strong&gt;: I'm a geek, so it just happened that the people I bonded with happened to mostly be guys. Some of those friends I've known since 7th grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another important element: I'm single. No boyfriend at the moment. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend, I just haven't found the right guy yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My guy friends are getting married. &lt;strong&gt;Their wives are uncomfortable about the guys staying in touch&lt;/strong&gt;. I can see the wives' POV: I don't have a boyfriend, and I'm there discussing with their husband that computer game (for example) that the wives don't understand. I share something with their husbands that they don't. Of course they see me as a threat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I change that? &lt;strong&gt;How do I position myself as &quot;not a threat&quot;?&lt;/strong&gt; The obvious answer is &quot;get a boyfriend&quot;, and I'd love for that to happen, but until then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Done so far:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never ever invite only the guys to an activity - always the couple. However, it's usually only the guys who want a boardgames night, or a Star Wars marathon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am always supportive of my friends' relationships: &quot;I'm so happy for you&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What else can I do to make my friends' wives comfortable with the idea that I'm their husbands' friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13083" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-06-27T08:58:30.027" LastActivityDate="2018-06-27T08:58:30.027" Title="How can a girl maintain friendship with guys after they're married?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="38" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15726" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15724" CreationDate="2018-06-19T17:36:14.937" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;For straight couples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Invite the couple like you do, as a part of an &lt;em&gt;event&lt;/em&gt; with many people or by making it clear you want as many people as possible&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Host the event as public as possible, such as a restaurant, library or somewhere else.  A Star Wars marathon will be more difficult, but can be like a house party with a Star Wars marathon.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask the couples if they know of any single guy geeks they can bring&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If a single guy geek shows up and you're attracted, show interest to help remove any feelings of a threat and thank the &lt;em&gt;couple&lt;/em&gt; for inviting the guy, if a couple invited him.  I'm assuming you're attracted to geeks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(Alternative to the those two items) Highlight past boyfriends you met without any geek context to the couples, like &quot;Yeah I dated this guy Jared I met from school who was an athlete.&quot;  This helps the wives feel like you don't meet boyfriends from events, which will help.  If you do this, avoid asking anyone to bring single guys who are geeks though.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't touch the guys, even if their wives aren't around (they may get used to this and do it when the wives are around).  &quot;Being huggy&quot; or physically friendly can really backfire!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When talking to the couples, talk about your favorite topics and avoid things like &quot;So how have you been feeling&quot; to the guys.  Any emotional talk will possibly threaten the wives.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Accept a &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; too.  Part of being married means that the guys' wives have a say over things like this and if we put ourselves in those women's shoes, we understand why.  In a group or as an event, this will probably be less of a problem, but you may still find some feel threatened.  Many guys post marriage reduce time with multi-sex groups; some even reduce time with same-sex groups!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always fake an interest who lives elsewhere, but this feels dishonest with friends and may not help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11791" LastEditorUserId="11791" LastEditDate="2018-06-20T12:32:50.770" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T12:32:50.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15727" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15724" CreationDate="2018-06-19T17:55:45.643" Score="165" Body="&lt;h3&gt;1. Befriend the wife.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a single man who is friends with married women.  I don't want us getting feelings for the other.  I know it can happen if you're not careful.  So I intentionally befriend the husbands.  It quickly becomes a genuine friendship (from being intentional to being natural).  I usually end up closer to the husband than the wife.  As a byproduct, the husbands trust me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect if you befriended the wives, things would work out better for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. Set boundaries for yourself.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are the ones &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; use:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't call/hang out with/etc. a married woman more than once week.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When I message or text a married woman I do group texts between her and her husband.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found these to work for me. Maybe different standards would work better for you. Pick standards that you think strengthen their marriage.  The specific standards don't matter as much as your desire to strengthen their marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EvilSnack suggested this boundary: &quot;Do not discuss your male friends' marriage troubles with them (the general principle being, do not discuss marriage difficulties with anyone you could run off with).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3. Be willing to let go.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you love someone, your focus is on them, not you.  At the extreme, if they're happier without you, that's okay because you're happy to see them happy.  If you were truly focused on your friends and their wives, you'd value their marriages so much that if your friendship was getting in the way of their marriage, you'd be willing to sacrifice your friendship for their marriage.  The easiest example is if either of you started developing feelings for the other.  Obviously dropping the friendship entirely is a last resort.  Make sure there isn't something else you can change, first.  The main point is - be focused on them, and their marriage - not you.  You're not letting go of the friendship.  You're letting go of what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The closer you are to being on their side like this, the more likely the wives will see you on their side.  However you can't fake being on their side.  It has to be genuine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure where you are with this.  But I thought it was worth mentioning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone mentioned self-respect and worth. To clarify: You should love others &lt;em&gt;and yourself&lt;/em&gt;.  So far I've only mentioned the first.  I thought the second was implicit.  I'm making it explicit, now.  Do not let them overstep your boundaries.  And do not do anything to your detriment.  If your boundaries are not being violated and you are not being harmed, etc., then you are loving yourself.  Now the loving thing to do for them is being focused on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-06-23T03:51:05.230" LastActivityDate="2018-06-23T03:51:05.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15705" CreationDate="2018-06-19T17:55:48.140" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This person seems to be rude, obnoxious, and most importantly spoiling your enjoyment if the gym. You want to tell then in a way that has results. There is no need to be polite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“I didn’t ask for any advice, and your advice is actually damaging. Stop bothering me. I’m not interested in your advice. Nor is anyone else here.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no need to give this person the benefit of the doubt. He has already been harassing other customers. The politest thing you can do is to make it very, very clear that you are not accepting his behaviours, so no painful discussions on the subject can arise anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="1932" LastEditDate="2018-06-21T08:04:30.053" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T08:04:30.053" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15730" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15732" CreationDate="2018-06-19T18:03:18.253" Score="12" ViewCount="1371" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a problem with my moods. Some days I am happy, excited to be alive, and others it's the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Picture a sullen teenager who won't say a word, is negative about everything if they do, doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere, and can't crack a smile - this is me some days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it's normal to have ups and downs, I can have very low downs. My coping strategy for normal interactions is to be quiet, put on headphones, and focus on my work, or go for a walk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually, if I'm left alone for some time, I will be fine - but it's usually a day or afternoon / evening not a few minutes or hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this happens, my SO and kids don't understand, and I feel unable to explain.&#xA;Of course, they pick up that something's wrong and won't leave me alone about it - this both worsens my mood and hurts them since I'm clearly unhappy and they start worrying it's something they've done. It's never really &lt;em&gt;about&lt;/em&gt; someone else, but it can be triggered by silly little things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question isn't about those mood swings, but how to communicate to others (especially family) that while I'm feeling like this, I just need some space &amp;amp; time and will be fine again afterward. And that it's not their fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried explaining to my SO and while they do seem to understand, they still find it hard and can't really leave me alone. If I insist, I'll have to pick up the pieces later once I'm feeling better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For context, kids are teens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4709" LastActivityDate="2018-06-25T17:52:15.930" Title="While in a bad mood, how to tell others I should be left alone?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15570" CreationDate="2018-06-19T18:11:12.673" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot is going to depend on whether he fundamentally agrees that things like having decent clothes and hygiene are important, and he's just lazy, and doesn't exert himself in the moment to get those done, or whether he really rebels against exerting any time or money whatsoever to be presentable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's the former, you probably can get him into good habits.  If you tell him &quot;don't get into bed until you brush&quot;, you can likely get him in the habit after a few weeks.  If you tell him &quot;We're going out to dinner for my birthday, and you need to have something decent to wear&quot; and he knows that not having clothes just means that dinner is replaced by clothes shopping, he'll probably exert himself to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, if he sees you as an opportunity to push him into doing what he knows is good for him, he'll likely reform.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's going to be a child, and insist that his behavior is totally fine, and you are a big meano for disliking it...there probably isn't much you can do, and there might not be much of along term future with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T18:11:12.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15730" CreationDate="2018-06-19T18:15:19.100" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not a medical professional; I can't diagnose you.  &lt;strong&gt;If you feel like your mood swings are abnormal, I strongly suggest you seek professional help.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will assume your children are old enough to understand your explanation and mature enough to handle the truth.  If they aren't, adjust accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be direct and explain everything.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes I feel bad.   First of all, it's nothing you did.  So don't blame yourself.  If it is something you did, I will tell you.  Secondly you don't need to worry.  It's always silly little things that trigger it.  Nothing major is going on.  Furthermore I always feel better afterward.  I know what's going on.  I know I'm going to recover.  The thing is, I can't be around anyone when I'm like  this.  I still love you all.  A lot.  I just need some space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They need to know when you're in a mood.  So give them a way to know.&lt;/strong&gt; That way they're not not guessing when they can talk to you.  Hopefully they'll honor your request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However they may not.  It's normal for people to be concerned.  They're probably thinking the same thing I thought first - is something medically wrong?  &lt;strong&gt;If you don't explore medical help I don't blame them for worrying about you.&lt;/strong&gt;  Conversely, if you get evaluated and nothing's wrong, then you can explain that to them.  That should help them worry less. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastEditorDisplayName="user16858" LastEditDate="2018-06-19T18:20:39.510" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T18:20:39.510" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15724" CreationDate="2018-06-19T18:57:52.637" Score="11" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Take steps to invite the wife into your geeky friendships&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't necessarily have to be with games. Games is something you share with the guys. I suggest trying to find something to bond with either the ladies or both of them. By doing so, you'll find trust that you're really not interested in their men. Find things that the whole group can do, wives included; bowling, movies, and other group activities are perfect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind you're not trying to make them your friend necessarily, you're just trying to invite them along to include them. I assume you're close enough to these guys that you trust that their wives are decent enough people. Treat all activities as something anyone can join in if they cared to, and you might even find that they're willing to give them (games for instance) a shot with you. Who knows, one of them might find something they really enjoy about that activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Be careful however&lt;/b&gt; that you're not sending any mixed messages that could be misconstrued as being flirty or otherwise untoward towards the married pair. Try to reduce body contact to a minimum, and try to use inclusive language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the most part, if you're all-inclusive about your activities with the guys and take steps to invite the ladies even if it may not interest them, you'll slowly gain their trust and be treated like another friend. You don't need to change anything about yourself, treat it as if one of the guys tried to bring another friend into the group. You might even find that there are new opportunities with the new friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T18:57:52.637" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15710" CreationDate="2018-06-19T19:18:42.470" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before getting to my answer; your third bullet is not a bad thing or a yellow flag; she's saying you are better than you're being paid. If you're willing to be confident and take a risk, she believes you will earn more. She expressed confidence in you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To the advice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First you're going to have to decide what you want, then you're going to have to plant a stake in the ground. If she doesn't like it you'll have to be willing to let the relationship die. It &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; as simple as that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is quite likely that after she moves in, somewhere down the road you will either have a family and she'll stop working, or things will arise and she'll stop working due to some situation. Pressure to keep working comes from needing to pay for things; if you take away that need, she will stop working. That's your decision and can be good or bad based on your perspective, plans, etc; but it will only be your decision if you have a spine and be firm in your stance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am willing to cover my expenses and the house in my case because the equity is &lt;em&gt;mine.&lt;/em&gt; Her paying my equity would make me feel guilty; and I won't be sharing it until she hits a certain stage in her life. What I &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; cover are her clothes, cell phone, car, car issues, insurance, and some purchases she makes as an &quot;Us&quot; kinda thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means she always has pressure to be working if she wants to maintain those aspects of her lifestyle; but she won't go hungry/homeless/etc if she doesn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My relationship has been going six years and I had her move in (for odd reasons) at a couple weeks in; so I've been in the situation you're avoiding for the entirety of the relationship and have managed it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion (and the reason for doing it above) it's a good way to put a relationship to the test. Were I to guess you're going to find that this one will not work because you each value money differently. I, like yourself, tend to be very frugal and conscious of how I purchase. While I desire a nicer car and some conveniences; they are longer term plans. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any person who requires you to forfeit your long term finances for the benefit of the short term &lt;em&gt;is not planning on being there in the long term&lt;/em&gt;; (either because they cannot see that far ahead or because they don't take it seriously enough.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extending my answer to your next problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do; &lt;strong&gt;do not merge your finances&lt;/strong&gt; until/unless you are &lt;em&gt;absolutely confident&lt;/em&gt; that if she managed it 100% that your future would be in good hands. If you go to marry, you do a prenuptial agreement so you can't lose your house or savings. The laws do not favor you, and if you're concerned about your financial disagreements now, wait until you've signed your rights away and you have to give away half of your finances if she decides you're too &quot;cheap&quot; for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who merge their finances are at the mercy of their past selves and better be &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; confident that decisions you made years ago are just as informed as those you'd make as your future self. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19021" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T19:18:42.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15737" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15710" CreationDate="2018-06-19T19:26:46.673" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Its pretty common for people in a relationship to have different views on money especially those that last long term.  In a way it is necessary as there tends to be a spender and a saver.  The spender is necessary that the couple enjoys themselves, and the saver so they have money for when it is needed.  Here in the US, the pension system is not all that great so it is necessary for people who want a comfortable retirement to save money.  That saver is necessary for a comfortable retirement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line here is that what you are experiencing is not uncommon and will probably be brought up again if you choose to see someone else.  It is who you will be naturally attracted to.  So the key is to try to learn to work with the natural spender.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I feel like this is not a person that you should be in a long term relationship with unless change occurs.  The &quot;red flag&quot; that strikes me is her willingness to change your employment choices after such a short time of dating.  Perhaps you are making too little, but there is more to employment than money.  If you like your job, the commute, and the people you work with well then it might be well worth giving up a bit of salary.  You have a right to make that choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other issue I have with this person is her willingness to change the deal after the fact.  So presumably you guys had a plan for a vacation and who should pay for what.  Once you get back she decided that you should have paid for her airline ticket?   I get it if she expressed that prior to going on vacation, but after is troublesome.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That behavior will likely continue in the future.  So if you two do move in together you will probably come up with a plan on who pays for what, and how much and when.  Will she then want to change the plan three months later?  Probably, and that will be troublesome.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also don't like that she compares you negatively with someone else.  Who cares if Mr X has two flats, if she wants that she should date him.  You are you and you are worthwhile.  You sound like a man that meets his commitments which puts you way ahead of many men and a worthwhile mate.  This is especially true of a person your age.  Good job and keep up the good work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your post paints your girlfriend in a negative light.  I would not recommend either moving in or considering this very serious unless significant change occurs.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5061" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T19:26:46.673" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15683" CreationDate="2018-06-19T19:37:17.137" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not confront him on things that he cannot control.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling your boss that him sweating makes you uncomfortable will not fix anything and will probably damage your relationship&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He probably knows that he sweats excessively, but there are not any ways to really fix this, I suffer from hyperhidrosis and when people bring it up I feel terrible about myself and inadvertently about them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things he can control can be brought up inadvertently, either by offering gum/mints or wipe down your own laptop before client meetings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Directly bringing this type of personal attack to your boss is great way to seed an uneasy relationship with them and is frankly just rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T19:37:17.137" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15730" CreationDate="2018-06-19T20:09:49.020" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. These do not sound like &quot;normal ups and downs&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm just a unipolar depression sufferer and not a medical professional, so this is not in any way intended to be a diagnosis. It is instead meant to be a hint as to what others might see. These may be normal cycles for you with regard to your own life, but other people (who don't have the same tendency, whatever it genuinely is) might be &lt;em&gt;very disturbed&lt;/em&gt; by what they see. That is a powerful disincentive to leaving you to yourself, even if you personally believe that you will be fine if you are left alone for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Find out what they want to accomplish.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the above is the case, then even if they understand that you sometimes go through darker moods they may not be interested in leaving you alone, even if that's what you would prefer. If this is the case it would be worth talking to them (your SO, for certain, maybe not your kids yet) to figure out their specific concerns and how you might be able to assure them that you are/will be OK. Questions like &quot;You always seem concerned that you need to do something when I'm down. Do you know what causes you to feel that way, and is there anything I can do to reassure you that it's not necessary?&quot; might help. The core of this is that it's not about you achieving your stated desire or your family understanding you better, but rather about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; understanding &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; better. Maybe you can provide some reassurance, not necessarily in the moment, that helps them cope with your need to periodic solitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Consider developing a routine, if you don't already have one.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be worth designating a specific area as personal space that you use when in these moods. If you install yourself in a public area of your home and then demand that no one interact with you, you will be putting a lot more pressure on your family than if you retreat to your home office. A space or activity which helps to &quot;normalize&quot; the behavior in the context of everyday life may help a lot. This doesn't even need to be in your home. For example, you mentioned taking walks already. It also helps to give a signal to your family that you are in such a mood-- them acting normally and then abruptly encountering it makes it easier to believe that it's their fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. You may need to give ground to maintain your relationships.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easy to think of this as something you personally need that your family is having trouble providing. But it's also the case that your family needs things from you, and your effectively disappearing for a day or two may not be feasible. No matter how important you feel it is to get this alone time, it might not be realistic to expect that you'll get 100% of that 100% of the times that you want it. That's not to say you should aim for 0% of what you want, but if you're viewing a single, brief interaction with a family member as &quot;ruining&quot; your alone time it may be easier (and better for your family) if you revise your expectations and satisfaction somewhat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5. Seek a professional opinion.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you stated that you're not looking for help with your moods, but this is still for your family. I've heard depression described as seeing the person you love essentially die right in front of you, and good luck getting your family to shrug something like that off. As it stands it sounds like your family sees you suddenly and inexplicably descend into these moods, which distresses them. &lt;em&gt;Any&lt;/em&gt; explanations and reassurances they can get will probably be valuable and help them feel OK about things. A professional opinion helps with that, and also is infinitely more valuable than your own subjective impression of &quot;what you need&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your description of these moods makes it sound like your ability to judge yourself and the world really changes, and consequently I would put very little faith that judgement as an outside observer. A psychiatrist or therapist saying that you need some alone time to move past the moods would be much, much better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T20:09:49.020" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15658" CreationDate="2018-06-19T21:24:45.343" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;From everything you've written, it sounds like you have big relationship problems already. You're coming here asking a question &quot;How do I get my car to stop dripping fluid&quot; when the radiator is cracked, and it's surprising that the car is functioning at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You show a great deal of open contempt for your brother here, which, whether you feel it's deserved or not, is indicative of how bad your relationship has gotten. (&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.acouplesplace.com/Gottmans_Four_Horsemen_are_Divorce_Predictors.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Worthwhile read. Cheesy website and catered to couples, but it's spot on.&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just want to not do the tattoo, all you can do is calmly try to pass on it and hope your brother doesn't want to fight you. Remember, you don't have to attend every fight you're invited to. You can also calmly pass on that if he starts trying to attack you. As others have suggested, just keep reiterating &quot;I don't feel comfortable doing it&quot; and just ride out your brother's tantrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if I were in your shoes, I'd either try to move out ASAP, or try to repair the relationship as much as possible. Firm, assertive kindness matters, even if your brother is unreasonable -- maybe &lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; if he's unreasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17338" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T21:24:45.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15657" CreationDate="2018-06-19T22:27:51.917" Score="8" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Without Escalation?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, it is impossible to guarantee a smooth, amicable process. Escalation is not solely within your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, escalation may be helpful. Most people become upset when their views are challenged, and it seems like the disconnect is large enough that you, he, or both will need to reconsider fundamental attitudes about fairness and sharing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An uncomfortable conversation or a bit of turmoil can be a small price to pay for a long-term resolution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Without &lt;em&gt;Antagonism&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should avoid criticizing his decisions or behaviors if possible. Phrase complaints in terms of how the outcome affects you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you tell me I need to put another € 50 toward a monthly car payment, I feel like I can't even afford a gym membership. I'd rather have the gym than a premium car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, he will understand that you feel financial pressures and perhaps a loss of control over your life. Setting boundaries may help regain some sense of control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g.: My partner and I maintain separate accounts for personal expenses and a joint account for joint expenses. I have an automatic deposit set for my share. I assume she does as well, but I'm not sure because I have no access to her personal account. &lt;em&gt;Fully separate accounts will eliminate his ability to see your savings and decide what to do with those funds---his behavior is problematic, as mentioned by others, and may be abusive if taken too far.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For larger one-time purchases, it might help to set a personal budget in advance and then let him do as he pleases with that constraint. Come up with a reasonable set of requirements for the item (size, features, color, etc). Your personal budget should represent a reasonable contribution toward an item which meets your requirements. If he demands a better item, he is free to spend as much as he wants to purchase one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Why Is He Like This?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and he have a different experience when it comes to finances. He does not seem to understand or empathize with your financial limitations. You need to discover whether it is knowledge or empathy that is lacking. &lt;strong&gt;A lack of understanding can be fixed with better communication; a lack of empathy is considerably more difficult to address.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible that his income has freed him from certain financial pressures for so long that he does not know how it feels to deal with those issues. This is especially likely if he comes from a well-off family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, I suggest having a strong grasp on your budget and your spending plans. With numbers in mind, you can communicate more clearly what trade-offs are involved with his suggestions. Are you trying to save money for something? How does his suggestion affect your extra/discretionary funds? What must you give up in order to pay for that car or appliance?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he lacks empathy or concern for your financial well-being, you may face a significant battle in resolving the issue. It may require professional therapy. A deep-seated personality issue isn't something that can be addressed in this format.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Remember that it is fundamentally unfair for him to insist that you pay more for something that only he wants.&lt;/strong&gt; If this is an established pattern, you will have to challenge it sooner or later. A good person will acknowledge this and accept your financial situation as part of the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16074" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T22:27:51.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15744" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-19T23:02:59.983" Score="-2" ViewCount="385" Body="&lt;p&gt;I lack social skills, because I don't find other people interesting, so I fail to start and maintain conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What could I do to find other people conversation interesting? (I mean people in general, not people who shares my interests and tastes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I'm not asking how to make other people interested on me, but how I make me interested in them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19029" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T00:07:11.020" Title="How can I get interested in other people?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2018-06-20T00:28:39.160" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15705" CreationDate="2018-06-19T23:07:04.493" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get asked by random people and friends &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How come you aren't taking this supplement or that supplement before&#xA;  working out?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How come you don't take protein powder after your workout?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Don't you want to gain weight?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, like yourself, no longer desire to bulk up, and enjoy working out for what it is, staying in shape. So when people ask those questions or try to give me tips I tell them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm working out so I can eat whatever I&#xA;  want for dinner, like Taco Bell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I use this method quite often and it tends to mitigate any possible hostile reaction from people. It usually gets a laugh or two and the person understands I have no desire to &quot;bulk up&quot; since I am going to &quot;eat Taco Bell&quot; after my work out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14219" LastEditorUserId="14219" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T16:07:39.723" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T16:07:39.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15746" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15753" CreationDate="2018-06-19T23:23:17.883" Score="14" ViewCount="1971" Body="&lt;p&gt;My parents' health is deteriorating fast and it won't be long before they cannot look after themselves. We have no relatives or friends who could help them. I live clear across the country but the unstated expectation is I relocate and take care of everything, for however long it takes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell them that they need to figure out something for how they might deal with an emergency and their care without calling me demanding I drop everything and get on a flight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a good job but no serious relationship or kids I can lean on as a reason I cannot help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some additional factors in this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm an only child&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My childhood kind of sucked. Although they did their best as flawed human beings, they were not good parents. I call once a week or so and dread it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My mom believes she was very doting and has all kinds of false memories about it all. My dad would be very mad at me if I upset her (as it always was)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I've nudged them about nursing homes and home healthcare workers but they shut it down right away, they say don't worry.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am panicking!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell them I won't be able to help them so they better figure something out now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19030" LastEditorUserId="19030" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T18:44:58.157" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T18:44:58.157" Title="How do I tell my parents I won't be able to help them?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15744" CreationDate="2018-06-19T23:29:50.560" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll answer based on the information I have thus far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know for sure what the problem is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I will take a guess.  People who are not interested in what others have to say generally are either self-centered or look down on others.  The solution for both is empathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I define empathy as seeing other people similar to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're self-centered, you are focused on your thoughts and wants.  For example you want to be entertained.  You aren't focused on the thoughts of others, or how you can help them.  Ultimately this is because you view yourself as different than others.  Which is why you treat your thoughts differently.  If you were the same, wouldn't you treat them with the same love you think you deserve?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you look down on others, you might listen to what they have to say, but you dismiss it or don't care.  The reason here is because you view yourself as different - a superior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution is to view yourself more similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine if you viewed yourself as similar to others.  Then you'd view yourself as average.  Subsequently 50% of the population is better than you at something.  You'd have so much to learn from so many people - of course you'd want to listen to their insightful opinions!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you viewed others as similar, then you'd want to care about them.  I don't know how difficult your life has been, but let's assume it's been pretty difficult.  Imagine if everyone you came across had at least the same amount of difficulty in their life.  Wouldn't you want to help them, as you wish, perhaps, people had helped you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you do this?  Well I'd say start with this assumption: &quot;if I had the same experiences as someone else, I'd think the same as them.&quot;  Maybe you disagree with that right now.  But try learning some perspectives and disprove it.  Meaning learn about people, what they did and why - ask yourself &quot;would I really do something different in the same situation&quot;  I've done this exercise and came to the conclusion I would literally do the same things as other people given the same situation.  Over and over I find myself thinking &quot;wow, if I was in a constantly negative environment and never knew what love was like, I'd probably think everyone was bad and be a worse person&quot;.  It's scary.  To think that inside me literally lies to potential to be an evil dictator.  Of course the same potential lies to be a spiritual guru.  The end result is it's hard to judge others because in the process I'd be judging myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ironically you perhaps lack empathy because you don't talk to people.  Which is why you don't want to talk to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T23:29:50.560" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15748" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15746" CreationDate="2018-06-19T23:55:47.583" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;Dealing with elderly parents is a huge stress for the children.  I've seen that in my time volunteering at an Assisted Living facility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally what I saw was that the couple tried living at home and after Dad died, it was a lot easier to convince Mom to move in to Assisted Living.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's ignore the other factors; they're important but not critical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing to realize is that your parents right now are in a state of denial.  They don't want to accept that their youth is leaving, never to return.  It's a scary time for people.  They obviously expect that you will take care of them, which is the norm in many cultures around the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd start by saying in clear English, &quot;Your plan of my moving across the country is not going to work.  I have no job here and cannot afford to live here, taking care of you, and not have a full-time job.&quot;  There may be objections, but that's reality.  Most adults don't have the strength to work 40 hours and then take care of ailing parents full-time on top of that.  In addition, how would you take care of yourself?  This makes an assumption that leads toward depression and loneliness for you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also quit nudging them.  This needs to be brought out into the open and clearly.  I'd say this: &quot;We all know that I live across the country.  We need to determine living situations for you and that can't include me.  In an emergency, it would take at least a day for me to get here.  What if you fell?  Would you want to lay there for a full day for me to get there, assuming that you can somehow contact me?&quot;  If they say, &quot;Don't worry&quot;, I'd add &quot;Why not? I worry about you.  How will you take care of this?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say, &quot;You will take care of us!&quot;, the answer then is &quot;How?  I am not a trained health care worker.  I have no experience or expertise in elder care.  I have no desire to give you both baths and am &lt;strong&gt;completely&lt;/strong&gt; unqualified to manage medicines and monitor medical conditions for you.  This is a job for someone with skills and experience, which I do not have.&quot;  I've seen firsthand what's needed, and it is a lot - especially when the health and memory start to fail.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, they may need to experience a hard lesson firsthand.  They may need to experience something and realize that they need help, and the distance makes it impossible for you to be there quickly.  It's only after they end their denial that this discussion can really happen in earnest.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-06-19T23:55:47.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15744" CreationDate="2018-06-20T00:07:11.020" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no beating around the bush: In order to build your interest in other people and develop your social skills you need to change your attitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step is to genuinely want to change. This will involve stepping out of your comfort zone and losing current advantages that your present attitude provides you. It will mean changing your thinking habits. You need to be very clear on what you want to achieve and how you will measure your progress. Ie. Set measurable goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next step is hard work. Habits are changed gradually with vigilant effort over long periods of time. If you want to change, you need to take initiative. Don't expect others to help you or support you. There is no silver bullet: Go out with a goal to meet people. By far the best way I found is by helping others. If you are really stuck for ideas, consider volunteering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you start interacting, you should replace negative thoughts with positives. Watch for thoughts like &quot;This is boring!&quot;, &quot;What a waste of time!&quot;, &quot;He/She is so stupid/boring/different&quot;. Replace them with positive thoughts: &quot;What an interesting person&quot;, &quot;I can learn a lot from him&quot;, &quot;Interesting perspective&quot;, etc. This will feel completely unnatural, artificial and wrong. It will feel like you are acting and being fake (And in a way you are). It feels this way because it is outside of your comfort zone and completely new. In a way you are changing yourself as a person, so of course this means completely new way of thinking. Essentially you are trying to create a new habit to replace the old one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next is time, perseverance and expectations. It does not take weeks to break habits of a lifetime: It takes years! And you will fail. You will make mistakes. You will embarrass yourself. You will say and act in inappropriate way. Others will think of you as a fool. But think of failure as a positive development (This is another habit to develop that is essential in life). If you are failing then you are learning new things. Pain the best teacher. Reflect on what you did wrong, &lt;strong&gt;get up and try again. Always try again. And again&lt;/strong&gt;. This is what everyone goes through when learning new things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Social skills are just like any other skill in life: They come and develop with practice. It is just like learning to play a musical instrument: You practice every single day and over time it becomes more natural. You will hit a point where you don't feel like you are improving no matter your effort. This is an illusion. Keep at it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guarantee you: With perseverance &lt;strong&gt;AND&lt;/strong&gt; effort you will get better. I also guarantee you that you will never be free of anxiety or completely comfortable: Even the most socially capable extrovert is nervous when interacting with new people. It is just they force themselves through it easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing: You need to know your limits. If you are an introvert (As I am), this process is exhausting beyond words. It will be overwhelming. But it just means that you will need to have a longer recovery time. Being introverted and being shy are two completely different things and we are changing the later instead of the former.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8115" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T00:07:11.020" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15751" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15724" CreationDate="2018-06-20T02:19:01.747" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The best way to maintain a good contact is creating situations where the man cannot cheat on his wife.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most easy way are group meetings so you have your hobby (RPGs, movies, conventions etc. etc.) with several men/couples together. Or making something together on a location with much, much visitors and no place to hide (e.g. making a trip with a fully-loaded tourist boat) so there is simply no way to cheat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Befriending his wife is definitely an option, but in my experience many, if not most women &lt;strong&gt;do&lt;/strong&gt; experience any other woman as potential threat and are a bit tense, spoiling a meeting. So if it does not work out, I think it is better if you meet together if his wife is absent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to my experience maintaining a friendship is not such a problem because relationships where women who try too much to suppress friendships (not only female ones) are often lasting not long. The wife may not like it, but as people are free to sustain relationships you should not be afraid to act normally (hugging at beginning, meeting and talking together). It seems conterintuitive, but acting normally alarms a wife less than being careful on purpose (&quot;What do they have together that they need to be careful?!&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A bigger threat to friendship starts when the couple gets children.&lt;/strong&gt; I have seen it so often that those little monsters take so much time away and the parents are so indulged in raising their children that the parents are rarely reachable and prefer to have conversations and meetings with other parents. It develops quite naturally and there seems little you can do about it, so don't be surprised if it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T02:19:01.747" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15724" CreationDate="2018-06-20T04:25:47.510" Score="62" Body="&lt;h3&gt;&amp;quot;Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing&amp;quot; - Dr. Phil&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found, that being completely natural around the girlfriends of my guyfriends, leads to happy friendships with their wives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a personal policy, that whenever any of my friends are in love, my friendship automatically shifts/extends to &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; as a couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On first meeting, I hug both of them (I'm a hugger) and tell her, &amp;quot;any friend of John's is a friend of mine.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I talk to her so we can get to know each other... not because I have to, but because I want to.  I find out her interests and most importantly, I get her contact details.  Whenever I send 'John' an email, I use her address, and say &amp;quot;Hi John and Emily&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always encourage total honesty between couples, and anyone who knows me, would know that about me. This fact eliminates me as a threat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A high percentage of communication is non verbal. When people are fake, little bells start ringing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18934" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T16:18:42.557" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15746" CreationDate="2018-06-20T06:37:33.947" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The most effective way to tell someone something, is to &lt;strong&gt;talk &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt; them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You state that &quot;I call once a week or so and dread it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you &lt;em&gt;dread it,&lt;/em&gt; because you are not in control of the conversation, and that you're always bracing yourself in case they ask something of you, that you do not want to give. Despite the fact that your childhood &quot;kind of sucked&quot;, you obviously care/love them or you wouldn't be in conflict.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In resolving this issue, it is important to understand why it is such a big issue.  Look at this situation from a different perspective.  Your parents may not be around for much longer, and once they are gone, you will not be able to resolve it with them.  How our family dynamics affect us, has a direct influence on all of our future relationships.  For example, any time in your future that you are in a situation where you feel an unspoken expectation is placed upon you, you will most likely, feel highly uncomfortable (panicky) and you will probably go through life trying to avoid these people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this reason, it is imperative, that you deal with this dynamic with your parents.  Once you do, it will not be such a big issue in your future (perhaps with bosses or in-laws). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest the following.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The next few times that you ring home, have some news to tell them about your life. Little things like a new recipe you've tried or a funny story about someone you've met.  This will lighten things by sharing something about you, and hearing their responses.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Then start saying things like; - &quot;You would like it here because...&quot;  If you start letting them know that your expectation is that &lt;strong&gt;they will relocate&lt;/strong&gt; to be closer to you, suddenly everything will be different. No matter what they say... &quot;all our friends are here&quot;, &quot;we like this town&quot;, counter their comments with things like... &quot;you can make new friends&quot;, &quot;you would like this city because...&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the &quot;unstated expectation&quot; is finally verbalized, you can just half laugh and say... &quot;I love you, but that's never going to happen, but you are welcome to move closer to me.&quot;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18934" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T06:37:33.947" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15695" CreationDate="2018-06-20T09:02:47.563" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a software dev with &quot;minority status&quot; I, too, occasionally get the impression that people are treating me differently and condescendingly because of my status. But it's usually very hard to prove (unless it's really blatant and expressly stated) and people like to give &quot;the accused&quot; the benefit of the doubt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I usually have much more success with is focussing on getting work done efficiently - and, if necessary, questioning whether the offending behaviour serves a purpose to achieve the development team's current goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One current goal in your company seems to be on-boarding this new employee as quickly and efficiently as possible. (Well, at least it would be prudent to have this goal.) But if he has to ask everything twice, that doesn't sound efficient. So approach it from that angle:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, I noticed that after I explain something to you, you go and repeat the same question to other colleagues. So it seems to me that my explanations don't serve their purpose of informing you. What can we do to improve your on-boarding process and reduce this overhead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe he really has a different learning style - and this is his chance to explain it and explain what he needs to work efficiently. Maybe in his eyes he didn't repeat the same question to others but tried to clarify some edge cases or details. Maybe he's a journalist retrained as a software dev and &lt;a href=&quot;http://handbook.reuters.com/index.php?title=The_Essentials_of_Reuters_sourcing#Avoiding_Manipulation&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;tries to always find two independent sources ;-) (&quot;Two sources are always better than one.&quot;)&lt;/a&gt;&#xA;Maybe he stammers and evades because he isn't even consciously aware that he doesn't think of you as competent because you're a woman. Or something else completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't resolve the problem, I'd go to my boss and tell him something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [boss], you asked me to onboard Bob but I'm not sure we're getting anywhere with this. If I explain something to him, he goes and repeats his question to someone else from the team. I don't know why he does that - I tried asking him but he couldn't really explain. This doesn't look like a particularly efficient on-boarding process to me. What can we do about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, your boss cares about bringing a new employee up to speed quickly and about their developers' time (at the very least as a valuable company resource) - which should be incentive enough to clear this up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't help, you may have a bigger problem with perverse incentives or a disorganised company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T09:02:47.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15724" CreationDate="2018-06-20T11:38:11.093" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;So far the advice seems to be around inviting/befriending the wife/SO. This is a great idea but my guess is that she will not be interested in attending as OP has already invited them as a couple. This might make her feel left out. There are, however, other similar solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Group Hangout&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you have several guy mates that are now married who you wish to &quot;geek-out&quot; with. Why not invite all of them over. Them saying to their SO/wife &quot;Hey, Dave, Bob and Mark and I are going to Galastel's to {&lt;em&gt;insert geeky activity here&lt;/em&gt;}&quot; sounds a lot more reasonable than a one-on-one at your place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask them/him to Host&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can encourage the guy to host then his SO/wife, who didn't want to watch the Star Wars marathon, can still hang-around but can do her own thing in the comfort of her own home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also bring around a takeaway so the three of you can eat together. This makes common ground with the wife and includes her in &lt;em&gt;an&lt;/em&gt; activity. Then you and your guy mate can go and do your activity without making her feel left out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3123" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T11:38:11.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15724" CreationDate="2018-06-20T12:50:12.643" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Answers that you have already received seem to include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;befriend the wife, or&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;get a boyfriend (or resume friendships when you do, you are right to take your time on this!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But imagine the scenario - you get a boyfriend, you double-date with one of these boy-space-friends and their girlfriend/wife... what do you all talk about together? If it isn't video-games or how Disney has ruined Star Wars then you may get bored, because that is primarily why you are friends with these guys. If you DO talk about those things it will &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; exclude the girlfriend/wife, and she probably won't want to do it again! You're back to your original problem of wives/girlfriends getting in the way of your friendships with guys. If you spent all night talking to their partner about something they don't get, you could still be seen as &quot;a threat&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best advice I can give is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do whatever you can to show respect for their relationship&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As well as inviting them as a couple which you already do, don't try and make all the arrangements only through the guy. If you already have the gf/wife's number, text them from time to time &lt;em&gt;instead of&lt;/em&gt; their guy (if you text &lt;em&gt;as well as&lt;/em&gt; the guy it might seem like a token effort to be non-threatening).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try and befriend the wife/girlfriend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get their phone number, add them on social media if that is your thing, and show them your life. Be as transparent as you feel comfortable with. If you've got nothing to hide then they are less likely to be a threat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make efforts with other girl friends, not only the gf/wives in question&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you get along with guys, but there must be other girls you are friends with. Put a bit of time into those friendships too. Seeing that you have girl-space-friends as well as guys might go some way to showing you are not dedicated to the pursuit of men! It might also be an &quot;endorsement&quot; of sorts - if other girls trust you then maybe you're not the dreaded man-stealer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let your guy friends lead the way&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, you can only control your own actions and as much as you do to win the wives/girlfriends over, ultimately for a friendship to succeed the guys have to put as much work in as you. Let them deal with their partners, it isn't really your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Failing all of this, remember that friendships DO change over time. If and when you do enter a relationship of your own you will just as likely make &lt;em&gt;new&lt;/em&gt; friends through that as you will be able to rekindle some of your older ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-06-20T15:45:52.187" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T15:45:52.187" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15760" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15761" CreationDate="2018-06-20T13:24:03.837" Score="-1" ViewCount="428" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an Android Developer in a big company. I started to work here less than a month ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, since I arrived, I have noticed that some of my colleagues are doing work absolutely wrong in some aspects, such as coding the design so that it only works on their specific phone instead of all phones. This generates a LOT of rework for us later on. The rework returns to the developer that caused the problems, but because we are on a tight schedule, it affects me too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in the same post and the same level as them. There is no QA, but there are community standards to develop the designs so they can fit well in any display.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell them the right way to do their work without sounding bossy, superior, etc.?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19057" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-20T19:41:06.260" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T19:41:06.260" Title="How to tell my team that they are doing their work in the wrong / poor way?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-06-20T15:41:35.173" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15761" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15760" CreationDate="2018-06-20T14:12:32.917" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, I see you asked &quot;how can I get them to see things my way&quot; not &quot;how I can see things their way/am I missing something.&quot;  There's a chance it's more efficient than you realize.  At least believing this possibility will help your interactions.  Because then you won't come across as a know-it-all.  (Not saying you do come across that way, but you might.)  So approach from a perspective of you learning.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On that note people usually don't want to understand what you have to say until you understand what they have to say.  So make sure you explicitly understand, then paraphrase, etc., so that people know you understand them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To not sound like a superior - don't view yourself that way.  That's probably the most important part.  If you view yourself as superior, it will come out subtly in your emotions - little things you say and do.  I could give you specific tips but that would just be masking the problem.  View yourself truly as an equal and the right subtle behavior will flow out from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to approach depends on the scope of the inefficiencies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Case 1&lt;/strong&gt; - The inefficiencies directly affect you. To address these, first talk to the developer(s) about it.  If that doesn't work, talk to your manager about it.  Make a succinct compelling case.  Since it affects your work, keep pushing until you are not negatively impacted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Case 2&lt;/strong&gt; - The inefficiencies do not directly affect you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could be wrong, maybe it's impossible.  Some people might be completely complacent in their work.  They might not care to grow or change.  Even if you're right.  (Maybe they're threatened by someone who knows better than them - or maybe they have everything they want - who knows.)  It's healthy to accept this possibility.  If you force people to change, you might resort to manipulative or controlling behavior.  It may work, but it's not ideal.  Instead, accept that some things are beyond your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best bet is to either gain formal authority - management - or informal authority by building relationships with people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To gain formal authority, present a compelling business case to management.  Give them a problem, your solution, and how it achieves the goals/mission/objectives of the business.  (Therefore learn what they are first.) They probably care about money, so make sure the focus is on their bottom-line.  There's a lot more to be said, but if you need a lot of help here maybe you're not ready for management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To gain informal authority, approach people who want to be helped. Be sure to be encouraging and not overly critical.  I could say a lot here, too, but there's so much, so I'll just give the general principle: basically act in the benefit of their interests, and not your interests (I guess more accurately act in the intersection of the two).  Once you've done this people will solicit your advice and follow it.  Of course you have to keep acting in their interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, if you think know better than most of the people in a big company, you should seriously consider working for a startup or starting your own company.  You'll probably be happier.  While you can influence large organizations from the bottom, it's easier to effect change from the top.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastEditorDisplayName="user16858" LastEditDate="2018-06-20T14:25:57.870" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T14:25:57.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15760" CreationDate="2018-06-20T14:23:19.117" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;General&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling someone they are wrong and you are right will probably only get you negativity as It can come off as arrogant especially as you are new. A better idea  is to explain the problems they have allegedly caused and how you have to work around the issue and how the situation can be improved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Step 1&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should bear in mind that you have only been working there less than a month, things that you view as wrong may have good reasons for being done that way. At a previous job I found some people were using an outdated version of the coding language we were working in. I pointed this out and was told there were legacy system issues that meant this version had to be used. Have you asked your colleagues why they do things the way they do? They may have a good reason for doing so that you are unaware of. You should approach in a casual conversation with something like: &lt;strong&gt;I see you're using abc, have you tried using xyz?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Step 2&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your job is not to teach everyone how to do their jobs. If you feel like other people's work is negatively affecting &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; output and they are unwilling to change or listen to you then that is an issue you should raise with your manager. The focus of your discussion with should be that your colleagues method of doing things is disrupting your workflow. It's not about emphasizing that the other person is wrong, it is about your workflow disruption.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18317" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T14:23:19.117" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15764" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15422" CreationDate="2018-06-20T16:13:26.070" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would personally ask them if they washed their hands, and regardless of their response, I would sincerely let them know that I am concerned about the repercussions of what unwashed hands would have on the rest of my house as well as their health and the health of those around them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've noticed some comments saying that the person mentioned might have washed prior to flushing; in that case, wouldn't they understand your concern if you openly asked them? It might be embarrassing for a moment or two, but it's something that could be laughed off of rather quickly and create a story to be retold of for fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In another case, maybe they were just blissfully ignorant, and this could be a valuable learning moment for them. Whether they retain what you try to teach, or whether they genuinely have concern or not after the fact, is up in the air and out of your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, they simply don't care and probably won't care for your opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being open and honest about your concerns would show them that you are genuinely concerned without simply being judgmental, and if they got offended or if it would cause for them to have a lesser impression of you, then that's on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19067" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T16:13:26.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15765" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15730" CreationDate="2018-06-20T16:27:54.753" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've laid it all out very clearly on this question. Why not show this to them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, I have had similar mood swings and I have had relationships with friends and acquaintances who have behaved similarly. While the causes for and the magnitudes of these lows vary with each person, the simple fact of needing time alone to recharge, to recuperate, to reset, has led to many misunderstandings and feelings of guilt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, I have begun telling people outright when I need time alone. Some people don't understand it, but to my surprise most have conceded that they have had similar needs from time to time, which would end the conversation and often with a reassuring nod or smile as we walked our separate ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're searching for words to say specifically, I would start with some of the things you've written yourself. Like I said, your situation and thoughts have been clearly explained by yourself already. Take it one word at a time, and have confidence in the fact that they love you, and you love them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more thing: if you do end up telling them yourself, they may forget. As a parent, you probably already know this, but kids--most people, I'd reckon--need to be reminded again and again until and idea or lifestyle becomes rooted. Learning to give much-needed personal space at certain times might be one of those things that needs to be said again and again.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19067" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T16:27:54.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15766" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15768" CreationDate="2018-06-20T17:20:47.987" Score="0" ViewCount="440" Body="&lt;p&gt;So today during our first lecture we had new faculty to teach us. During first lecture after a brief introduction about him he asked us to ask any questions that we may have about him. So I was curious about how old he was so I asked him. He answered it but I am not sure if it is rude or impolite to ask age of a professor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7629" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T17:31:20.487" Title="Is it rude to ask professors age?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-06-20T18:30:09.253" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15766" CreationDate="2018-06-20T17:29:33.630" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say as a whole it's not rude as such to ask a person's age, but it's also not polite.  Rude, to me, would be making a comment after asking the age, like &quot;Wow!  How do remember to put on socks in the morning?&quot;  or &quot;when did you start working on your doctorate, when you were 10?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally it all depends on the frame of reference.  If it's someone I know, I'm not as put out and will most likely answer.  If someone I didn't know came up to me in the grocery store and asked, I'd probably tell him to bugger right off.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect in this case that you aren't the first person to ask that of this professor and he/she has dealt with this question before.  It sounds like standard practice to introduce him/her self to the students.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T17:29:33.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15768" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15766" CreationDate="2018-06-20T17:31:20.487" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've asked if it's rude to ask a male professor his age in public.  I'll answer is it appropriate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suppose this professor is old.  Suppose they feel their age (mentally, physically, etc.).  Suppose they struggle with their worth as a human being because they can't perform how they used to.  Suppose they cover up their age by focusing on their appearance.  If someone points out their age, particularly publicly, they may feel bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suppose this professor is young.  Suppose they feel like people don't take them seriously because they're young.  Suppose older people have dismissed them their whole life and they've had to work really hard for respect.  If someone points out their youth, particularly publicly, they may feel bad.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those are just two examples.  Someone in between could also not want to disclose their age.  In general not a good idea to ask someone their age.  Particularly in public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, before you feel bad, consider this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suppose this professor is very emotionally mature.  They know you asked an inappropriate question, but also suspect you didn't mean anything by it.  They've taken note so they can give you further instruction later, if the situation arises.  But they don't hold it against you.  Everyone makes mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably the thing to do at this point would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, if you want to ask someone's age, usually do so privately.  (Maybe there's exception for something like if they say &quot;ask me any question - nothing is off limits&quot; - then maybe take them up on their offer)  Secondly, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Professor, I did some thinking.  Was my age question out of place to ask?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And listen.  Then apologize if appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T17:31:20.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15587" CreationDate="2018-06-20T18:15:43.123" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;All information of this type is derived from external references. Either a person has built up an association through repeated co-occurrence of things (like the word &lt;em&gt;picnic&lt;/em&gt; and a checkered blanket, basket of food, and being outdoors all combining to suggest that those things constitute a picnic), or they looked it up in a dictionary and then &lt;em&gt;remember&lt;/em&gt; the result of consulting that external reference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Googling is not any different from these, especially that latter. What is different is the scope of information which can be searched and, with the availability of data-connected smartphones, the immediacy with which those references can be consulted in any given situation. So your example might have been resolved with a comment like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What better way to find what defines a picnic than looking up the definition of the word? I didn't have a physical dictionary handy, so I used a digital one.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't say anything about people in general (or in your specific case here), but it's unlikely that the act of consulting an external reference is what prompts responses like these. I submit that it is far more likely that the response is due to the frequency of such consultations, the triviality of the things being looked up, the apparent absence of &quot;common knowledge&quot; that they expect anyone to have in society, or something similar which causes reactions like the one you describe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T18:15:43.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15422" CreationDate="2018-06-20T19:18:02.203" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a stigma associated with not washing your hands, and most people (though not all) will be mindful of it if you are able to cue them into it. If it's in a setting you've described, you're able to amend this without addressing it directly. For example, I might ask them for an opinion on the new soap I've got (whether it's &quot;new&quot; or not) or something along those lines that makes them think about their hand washing experience. If they didn't, now they're on the spot to come up with something, which even if they're able to conjure up something on the fly will have put them on the spot, and they're more likely to actually wash their hands in the future in the event you might ask again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feel free to experiment, it's your house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19073" LastActivityDate="2018-06-20T19:18:02.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15587" CreationDate="2018-06-21T00:49:49.283" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Go to basic principles and analogies&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask the person who questions why someone would 'Google' anything if they have ever gone to a library to obtain some knowledge that they did not possess before. If so, ask them if they think internet services like Google Books have improved access to books and information. If they say 'yes' then you can say that digitization of such books has afforded people the luxury of not having to take a prolonged trip to the library in order to access the same books (however, see real-life caveats below). This could be &lt;strong&gt;A)&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;cost saving&lt;/em&gt; if fuel would need to be consumed to get to the library, and &lt;strong&gt;B)&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;time saving&lt;/em&gt;, since it is also faster than physically going to a library. If they concede that then they have conceded the value of the internet and digital resources being searchable online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How much and what kind of knowledge are you really obtaining?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is the flip side question of the &lt;em&gt;quality&lt;/em&gt; of the resources you are accessing and also whether 'quick lookups' do anyone any good in terms of how much knowledge you are obtaining. This goes as much for physical resources as digital resources. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for amount of knowledge and the time expended obtaining it, &lt;strong&gt;consider the following scenario&lt;/strong&gt;. If you did not study for an upcoming history exam and went to a brick &amp;amp; mortar library and cracked a book on the subject that you are to be tested on for &lt;em&gt;only 10-15 minutes&lt;/em&gt; would you expect to understand the material comprehensively? Would you even hope to understand it accurately, if you were reading summaries rather than specific and detailed facts? I would expect not. Yet some will spend only that amount of time or less when reading internet resources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then there is the quality of knowledge element. For example, There is a significant difference between accessing a common public encyclopedia open to being edited by anyone, such as Wikipedia, and accessing online journal repositories like JSTOR geared towards academic research. I too would provide critique of anyone who thinks they can simply peruse Wikipedia on a non-trivial subject and then claim they've adequately got a handle on a subject, especially a subject of academic investigation and research. One anecdote could be that Ph.D. Dissertations are not based off of citations of Wikipedia but more often peer reviewed literature which is not always free or readily accessible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Free or pay-for knowledge?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the topic of &quot;free&quot; knowledge (both in terms of access and price) this brings up another point. As wonderful as the internet is it is a complete myth that for any subject of relevance there is an educational resource completely available on the internet for it. Only a small fraction of the world's books have been digitized, stored, and made accessible (although &lt;strong&gt;Google Books&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;HathiTrust&lt;/strong&gt; have done wonders in that department). Being someone who researches rather niche academic subjects myself, I find myself spending several hundred dollars a year purchasing books which have knowledge which is &lt;em&gt;not yet freely accessible on the internet&lt;/em&gt;. Also, even with the availability of pirated books (legal issues aside), if all college text books (say) were available online for free then few would pay for expensive hard copy books, and the college book industry would collapse (not to mention all book sellers as well: Amazon, Barnes &amp;amp; Noble, Books-A-Million, etc.). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is all to say, &lt;strong&gt;much knowledge is still locked away in physical copy books and other materials which cannot be found on the internet&lt;/strong&gt;, whether or not they are free to access (at your local library) or are &quot;behind a paywall&quot; (books you must purchase to obtain access to). Therefore, anyone who thinks that they have access to the entire sum of human knowledge just by having access to the internet has not been paying attention and in fact has been infected by a bit of hubris no doubt, falling victim to misinformation and naiveté. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, but how I wish it weren't so, for then I wouldn't have to break the bank to purchase academic books which have specialized knowledge locked away in them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Just another tool&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, with all this under consideration I would summarize by saying that internet is simply a tool for what humans have always been doing: obtaining knowledge. As such is neither more nor less respectable than ways of doing so that do not involve modern digital technology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In the end, think interpersonally and contextually&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If running to grab an actual book to gather information in the middle of a discussion might, in fact, be disruptive then there is a chance that even the far quicker access of digital data might do the same. That being the case, that may be why some people get annoyed and wonder if people can't &quot;think for themselves&quot; and have to (as they perceive it) &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; run to an external source. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if the discussion is not regarding a matter of purely abstract reasoning based on prior knowledge and is in fact dealing with empirical facts then you can try to justify the access of potential sources of facts on the internet that are relevant to the topic at hand. So, in the end, there is no blanket endorsement or prohibition that should be given for using such tools in a discussion and it will vary based on each circumstance and also depending on how socially agreeable or polite you wish to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4647" LastEditorUserId="4647" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T14:17:13.793" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T14:17:13.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15780" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15637" CreationDate="2018-06-21T07:17:45.640" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Give it to him straight.  Tell him you are troubled by his out of proportion aggression, and that he has to seek help for it BEFORE he does something that could have dire consequences.&#xA;Thorsten S. is so right when he said &quot;the perpetrator did in fact warn about his intent&quot;.  He has already involved you in this.  Do you want to risk being &quot;that friend&quot; on TV after an act of violence who looks into the camera and says &quot;he told me, but I didn't want to cause problems for him&quot;?  At very least, speak to the police asking them for their advice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18934" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T07:17:45.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15784" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-21T09:13:09.193" Score="8" ViewCount="868" Body="&lt;p&gt;(In case it matters this question is made on behalf another person)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a parent who seemingly lacks the ability to empathize with me. They'll never say things like &quot;I understand you&quot; or &quot;I am sorry to hear that&quot; instead they'll jump in to solve a problem (even if there isn't anything to solve) usually by pointing out a mistake in what I did, even if that's a mistake existing only in their head. They never extort any effort to understand my position and immediately go to criticism. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example they criticize me for not going out much, saying &quot;you sit at home all day&quot;. Failing to note a young baby at my home which due to being fussy makes any escapade longer than half an hour at best huge pain to go through requiring very specific timing and behavior, at worst a completely devastated evening spent on listening to a crying soul unhappy about his destroyed sleep schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're also overly negative, their first instinct to any situation is imagine the worst possible scenario and act is if it was the truth. Case in point, when after a hot day my kid had sweaty feet they said the baby must have heart problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in my late twenties, living nearby said parent and moving away as well as reducing the time spent interacting with them is currently impossible. The baby is demanding, my partner is working full-time and I need someone to take care of the baby during the day to be able to do chores or catch a breath. Also finances make moving rather impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is not to change them nor destroy any relation we might have right, time and time again any attempt has shown that they're completely unaware of their behavior even overtly criticizing other parents who behave the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to tell them their remarks hurt usually ends up with either one of those scenarios:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They inquire why then criticize the stated reasons effectively making the situation worse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They take it as a personal attack and criticize me for hurting them, maybe start crying, effectively making the situation worse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I respond to hurtful remarks from a parent to make them realize I am genuinely hurt but in such a way that it won't escalate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19097" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T23:22:28.523" Title="How to establish boundaries with parent who is always negative" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;criticism&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15787" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15784" CreationDate="2018-06-21T10:04:00.110" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having a new baby of your own, it is time that you become aware of the fact that you do not need to feel 'hurt' by the advice that anyone, even your parent gives you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This must be a family dynamic that you've had since you were a child.  I get the feeling that whenever this parent starts to talk in a specific tone of voice, your shoulders will droop and you will automatically start to feel deflated, as if you're feeling 'I can't do anything right in your eyes'.    Perhaps you have been reacting like this for so long, that it never occurred to you that YOU actually have other options on how you can react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as you start changing the way you react, the stronger you will feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Viktor E. Frankl (holocaust survivor) said, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In googling that quote I came across this article in &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-change/201307/dont-just-react-choose-your-response&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Psychology today&lt;/a&gt;.  Here is an excerpt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;In (the above quote), he (Dr. Frankl) implies that people often react without thinking.  We frequently don’t choose our behaviors so much as just act them out. But he observes that we don’t need to accept such reflexive reactions. Instead, we can learn to notice that there is a “space” before we react. He suggests that we can grow and change and be different if we can learn to recognize, increase, and make use of this ‘space.’ With such awareness, we can find freedom from the dictates of both external and internal pressures. And with that, we can find inner happiness.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18934" LastEditorUserId="18934" LastEditDate="2018-06-21T14:43:17.770" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T14:43:17.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15724" CreationDate="2018-06-21T12:29:23.327" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Besides other ideas already said which I think are good(befriend,etc) I think one good approach would be to share your emotional/romantic life with those Gf(if you actually feel like you can), what I mean is , even if you don't have a boyfriend at the moment as long as you establish good relationship with them you could share with them that you have no interest in their boyfriends but to meet new guys who you can date with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this isn't the main topic of the question but I think if you accomplish this their suspicions should go away and if they don't then your friends are probably dating somebody with extremely self-confidence issues and they are in big trouble, and should be then THEM who take responsibility for fixing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway this is not a 1 way street, your friends should try as well to &quot;protect&quot; your image in a transparent way that shows their wives that there are no misleading intentions in your attitude towards them(meeting all together instead of meeting with just 1 of them, etc). If they don't show any effort to maintain this friendship and fight for it, it's painful but you see this interpersonal relationship wasn't balanced at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6215" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T12:29:23.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15789" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15784" CreationDate="2018-06-21T13:17:05.560" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is good to remember that (most) parental interference into the lives of their adult children is done out of love, however misguided. Your parent surely loves you, cares about your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your baby, and wants &quot;the best&quot; for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some experience of this myself, well-meaning parents full of love, but hopelessly out of date and always fearing the worst, especially on health matters (eg a headache = meningitis).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although your parent already has a &quot;parent role&quot; that they may well be lapsing back into, it is well-known in psychology that when one adult adopts a &quot;child&quot; role it can prompt someone else to adopt a &quot;parent&quot; role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is that your parent &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; have a natural tendency to be &quot;mothering&quot; (or fathering if you prefer, you don't say which parent it is). But equally, you are asking for their help - you mention in your question that you have no choice because your partner is working full time. Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm not suggesting for a minute you are acting like a child by doing so - but you are asking for their help, your parent is responding to that, they may see you as &quot;in need&quot;, and they are adopting a role to support that need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without realising, you may be communicating to your parent that you are &quot;struggling&quot; and that may be exacerbating their natural inclination to &quot;parent&quot; you. It is worth considering if you could make adjustments of your own and demonstrate to them that you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; capable, and that you &lt;em&gt;welcome&lt;/em&gt; their help but are not completely helpless. Taking on some of their advice and getting out a bit more might be a start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Paradoxically, although older generations of parents seem to worry about things like heart defects and diseases, on the whole they don't seem to have had as many worries as we do today (I'm a parent myself, by the way). Our parents raised us at a time when there were tales of pandemics, and they are just carrying these worries on; but we have all sorts of new (and sometimes conflicting) information about child raising that causes us anxieties. Parents today worry about having the right travel system, which end of the cot to place their baby, have we got enough hooded towels, regimented nap times, are vaccinations really safe, and have we got the right bottle temperature to the precise degree. Our parents didn't have thermometers to check our bathwater temperature, they just used their elbows. Your parent has made comments about you staying in and not getting out - while this may be irritating, could it be that you are letting some of these modern anxieties get on top of you, preventing you from being less dependent on help from your parent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to hurtful remarks, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't criticise me. I am doing my best. A lot has changed since you raised me. I really appreciate your support, but I would like you to support me in raising my child the way I see best. &lt;em&gt;I'm&lt;/em&gt; the parent now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally found reminding parents that you are now in the same role they once were is really effective in engendering empathy in them. If they can see themselves in your shoes, they will be more supportive than critical. They may even recall struggling themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-06-21T13:23:25.867" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T13:23:25.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15784" CreationDate="2018-06-21T13:18:12.420" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;To set a boundary say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom/dad, I appreciate the criticism you've given me over the years.  It's helped me grow.  However don't give it me anymore unless I ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to give any details (that will likely turn into an argument/them criticizing).  Repeat yourself as necessary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Why the sudden change?&quot; &quot;I don't want it anymore unless I ask.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Now, if they say something like &quot;we're not trying to change your mind, we just want to understand&quot; then it might be okay to give some details - use your judgment on whether or not you should explain.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future if they criticize you, say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't ask for criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And change the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they criticize again in that conversation you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I already reminded you once, so I'm stopping this conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you didn't ask this but I'll go ahead and say it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you've observed your parents are completely unaware of their behavior.  In fact, in their mind, they're probably good parents by doing this.  In some sense, this is how they say &quot;I love you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying they're right.  But if you can understand where they're coming from, then you can let go of any resentment you might have toward them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T13:18:12.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15792" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-21T15:29:37.280" Score="32" ViewCount="11406" Body="&lt;p&gt;I commute to work every day and there is a woman I talk to every day because we take the same train. I've been talking to this woman for a few months (4+). We chat for a few minutes before the train comes every day. We are both married (and I'm a woman, too), but she is a lot older than me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll be going on maternity leave soon and I might change my work schedule but I'd like to keep in touch with this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's a non-awkward way to exchange contact information?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3833" LastEditorUserId="3833" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T08:19:34.777" LastActivityDate="2018-06-25T13:41:10.667" Title="How to ask a casual acquaintance for phone number without being awkward?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15792" CreationDate="2018-06-21T15:39:53.183" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;A less awkward way is not to ask for the other's number and make her/him probably embarrassed but to offer yours.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The person could say &quot;thanks I will text you sometimes&quot;, then you know the idea was not good but at least the person is not offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can be direct like &quot;here is my number, contact me if you like&quot;. Or you can  mention you are going to leave, say how sad it is because you liked this conversation and ask if he/she wants to stay in contact with you. Bring in you have whatsapp or whatever else and ask if he/she would be ok to get your number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To the edit which makes clear you both are women. Now you don't have the problem of showing too intense interest in the other woman. Asking to stay in touch is easier in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-21T15:58:20.657" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T15:58:20.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15792" CreationDate="2018-06-21T16:34:25.760" Score="63" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find that you have two prime options -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Give her your number and let her decide what to do with it from there&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you choose this method, try explaining your situation, something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, so I'll be on maternity leave soon, and my schedule may change afterward, but I really enjoy our conversations. If you want to chat via [text/call/email/snail mail/carrier pigeon], here's my info.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will put you at the least amount of risk for rejection, but puts your continued friendship in &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; hands in terms of reaching out first.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I find that there is a &lt;em&gt;slight&lt;/em&gt; downside to this method. I've found myself in the situation before where someone gives me their number but I don't know what exactly to do with it, so I end up doing little to nothing.  &lt;em&gt;Does this person want to just text occasionally? Do they want to call and talk? Do they want me to set up a time to meet and hang out?&lt;/em&gt;  While certainly not &lt;strong&gt;everyone&lt;/strong&gt; will feel this way, by only giving her your number and not receiving hers back, you're putting your continued relationship entirely on her. Just be cautious of that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask her if she'd be comfortable exchanging contact information&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find this much more preferable.  It's true you run the risk of being rejected, but you'll also know up front whether or not your friendship with this woman will continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can simply say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;So I've been thinking that after I go on maternity leave my schedule may change, so we may not see each other on the train anymore.  I've really enjoyed our conversations though, so I was wondering if you'd be up for exchanging numbers so we could stay in touch?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This explains the situation, why you're asking, and your expectation.  You're putting the ball her in court for if she'd also like to stay in touch.  If she says yes, great!  If she says no thanks (which honestly, I'd say the risk if fairly low of due to the amount of time you've been nursing this relationship and given you are both women), that's okay too.  Now you know what to expect and that you won't be hearing from her in the future (as you would be waiting if you only gave her your number instead of exchanging both ways).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you get her number, which is the ultimate goal of this method, now &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; have the ability to be proactive about staying in touch.  This is important since &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are the one initiating the exchanging of contact info.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting the ball in her court by giving her &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; number is less of a risk of rejection, but can also leave you at a disadvantage.  Asking to exchange info will reap a much higher reward, and let you continue to set the bar on this relationship that you are asking to advance a level higher (contact outside of public places).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T14:06:56.487" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T14:06:56.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15797" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="683" CreationDate="2018-06-21T17:22:27.913" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two excellent answers so far. I'd add two things...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I can't recommend reading &quot;Quiet&quot; by Susan Cain enough. She discusses the place of the introvert in different cultures and highlights areas where introverts can have a natural advantage over extroverts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, I worked in a company that ran a Myers-Briggs training course. (If you aren't familiar with it, it classifies personality types as a combination of Introvert/Extrovert, Sensing/Intuition, Thinking/Feeling and Judging/Perceiving).  I've forgotten most of it by now but I'll always remember the final exercise we did as it has helped me a lot.  (For what it's worth, I'd always have been very skeptical about that kind of wishy-washy training)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had all done our Myers-Briggs test to determine our personality type. The instructor got us to write our name on a piece of paper twice - once with each hand. She asked &quot;how did it feel with your dominant hand&quot;. She got answers like &quot;natural, simple, normal&quot;. Then she asked about the other hand: &quot;weird, strange, awkward, clumsy, etc.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, she asked if, with practice, you could get better with your non-dominant hand. Everybody agreed that, over time, &lt;strong&gt;we could&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her point was this: We had been classified as Introvert or Extrovert, Thinking or Feeling etc.. and this was the natural &lt;em&gt;modus operandi&lt;/em&gt; for each of us. &lt;strong&gt;But&lt;/strong&gt;, she explained, we were all capable of &lt;em&gt;being&lt;/em&gt; the other type of the two, it just feels uncomfortable and takes a little more effort to do it. And, if we made a conscious effort to push outside of our natural comfort zone, we would, over time, feel less uncomfortable doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't help you so much in the short term but it has worked wonders for me and given time, and a little effort, it can for you too. For example, I'm quite shy and don't really celebrate birthdays because I hate being the center of attention, yet I've performed stand up comedy and have actually enjoyed giving presentations to over 300 people in work. It's taken a lot of effort to get to that point but I'm a lot more comfortable now in situations where I'd have given anything to be home with a coffee and a good book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, my answer to your question invites you to a different approach: try to &lt;strong&gt;improve&lt;/strong&gt; your handling of situations where shyness would normally result in you being perceived as cold or arrogant, in order to help minimize that perception. Take it easy, small steps, and don't quit if you haven't succeeded from the first time(or second, or third).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19108" LastEditorUserId="13034" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T06:00:16.403" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T06:00:16.403" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15695" CreationDate="2018-06-21T17:33:24.160" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing I would do is getting the suspicion out of the way.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Is he second guessing everyone or just you?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, I would check in with some people he has repeated questions to. Don't make any accusations, just start a little smalltalk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I noticed Bob talked to you a few minutes ago. How is he doing? Did he ask you (repeat the question)? Do you have the feeling Bob understood the answer / is learning well?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This opens the conversation up to the matter that bothers you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you notice him repeating questions to other colleagues as well? I'm concerned I'm not explaining things well enough to him or that he has difficulties understanding what I tell him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basicly, the answers will boil down to one of two possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He double-checks every question&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's nothing personal. If you are concerned about the amount of time he uses to double-check, talk to him or his manager. If you are genuinely puzzled, bring the topic up during a relaxed smalltalk, ideally a coffe or lunch break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He double-checks only your questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a female software engineer I can understand that you feel hurt, but it is important that you dont accuse him of anything before you actually understand his motive. A rash reaction may hurt your reputation more than his.&#xA;Talk to him in private, behind closed doors. Make it a &quot;learning the ropes review&quot; and ask him how well he feels integrated, how he is learning new things, if he maybe feels overstrained or not challanged enough. Get a feeling for how he feels in this new environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is to get him to talk, not so much the topic, so let him do the talking. If he delivers only one-word-sentences, he will most likely evade unpleasant questions.&#xA;Only then ask him about his cross-referencing. &lt;strong&gt;Ask&lt;/strong&gt;, don't state the fact. Voice your concerns about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I initially thought I may have explained poorly or he wanted a more in-deep explanation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important points are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask for a reason instead of stating your suspicion.&lt;/strong&gt; Give him the chance to explain himself. If he was not aware of his behavior, he will be now. Give him the time to collect his thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep your feelings out of it!&lt;/strong&gt; You are in a professional setting and should act professionally. Let him explain his behavior, you might be surprised by the true reason for it. Even if he states something like &quot;women cannot be trusted because all of them are stupid&quot;, don't show your feelings. Receive his answer and report him if neccessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T17:33:24.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15799" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-21T18:02:04.540" Score="3" ViewCount="243" Body="&lt;p&gt;I took my car to be serviced at the dealer (yes yes they charge a fortune but I trust them and they have every incentive to do a good job so that I'll purchase another vehicle from them.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I &quot;checked in&quot; I said the windshield wiper fluid spray wasn't working and so I was glad they were going to refill it. However when I got on the road afterward nothing came out when I tried to spray the windshield. I was mad because I paid so much and thought they didn't even refill the fluid. Then I noticed they had done a very shoddy job cleaning the car, whereas they usually do a great job. Lastly, I was annoyed they kept me waiting so long while some pushy customer got what he wanted right away whereas meek little me just said no problem no problem to delays etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when I got to work I flipped the hood and saw the fluid tank was empty and looking at my bill I got really upset. I called the guy to complain and left a voicemail saying the tank was empty and I was really disappointed that they did such a poor job this time. He called me back and pushed back saying he asked the technician if he had filled the tank and he did, so maybe there was a hole in the tank or something and I should come in and have it looked at. For some reason I was very skeptical of this. He also insisted they cleaned my car thoroughly and that annoyed me more. So I just said I was unhappy about the service and he said his offer stands to have me come in and that was that. I didn't curse or anything crazy, but I was irritated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later that day I went to purchase some windshield wiper fluid and filled the tank. The spray still didn't work. With the help of someone I observed what was happening when the dispenser lever was pulled and the fluid was all leaking under the car instead of spraying the windshield. I traced the problem to a valve connecting the hoses and found it was cracked, so I ordered a replacement part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, after discovering that it was a problem like he said, I felt very terrible of course. So on Monday (this happened on Friday) I called the guy and left him a voicemail saying I found the problem and I apologized for getting irritated and that they always do a great job for me and look forward to going to them in the future and apologized. But he never called me back, so now I'm worried I've burned my bridges with this place and I can't get my car serviced there anymore (it's a Volvo!) because I'm afraid they'll do a bad job or sabotage it to charge me more, basically all the reasons I prefer to pay more rather than go to third party places.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What more can I do to make amends?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19030" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-21T18:49:35.417" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T18:49:35.417" Title="How do I make amends with someone I was unfairly upset with?" Tags="&lt;customer-interactions&gt;&lt;cars&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-06-21T19:50:33.830" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15799" CreationDate="2018-06-21T18:26:33.187" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But he never called me back&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want a reply, next time do it in person or over the phone.  Anything else and people are more likely to ignore you (usually non-maliciously).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What more can I do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;General principle - focus on others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's probably focused on his tasks/moving on to the next thing for his job so he can get to other goals in his life.  He's used to dealing with extremely difficult customers.  This was nothing.  If you contacted him againm you'd be taking him away from what he'd rather be doing.  To focus on him, do not pursue it further since you already apologized.  Although he'll never know, that's very considerate toward him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T18:26:33.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15801" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-21T18:27:04.633" Score="4" ViewCount="785" Body="&lt;p&gt;A former colleague was recently terminated from our division. He lost his mid-level development position due to several factors, all of which could be summed up to poor job performance, misuse of company resources, serial time theft, falling asleep and snoring loudly during important meetings, and general misconduct. Despite this, he was personable, and having both graduated from the same small college (30 years apart), we had some rapport, though I've always found him to be a little repugnant.&#xA;Well, he's been reaching out to a few of our team members via e-mail asking for help with updating his resume. They must have all denied him, because he reached out to me via LinkedIn messenger asking the same. He specifically asked me to copy and paste the section of my resume for this employer.&#xA;I have a few issues with this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;•   I've been with our company for twice the amount of time as him, so that would make it seem like he worked on more things than he actually did&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;•   We held different positions, so I can't articulate what he was responsible for&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;•   Because of his poor performance (more detail below), I can't possibly do this for him because I'm the one who actually completed his tasks for him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;•   I am quite busy, and while copying &amp;amp; pasting from my resume would only take a few seconds, I just don't have the desire to do this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;•   This doesn't seem like an appropriate request&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;•   I also just don't really like him or want anything to do with him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some background and a few things that complicate this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;•   He is an older African American man - there aren't many African Americans in our branch of IT&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;•   I'm a double-minority in this field - African American, and a woman. I ordinarily wouldn't include this, but it's relevant in this situation because women tend to be socialized to avoid disappointing or upsetting people, and in my culture specifically, we are socialized to venerate the older generation. I'm no exception, and I am worried about coming across as disrespectful if I don't help him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;•   Former colleague is close friends with the professor of a course I plan on taking in the next couple of weeks. I'm worried about what he might say to the professor that could potentially harm my performance or experience in his class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;•   Former colleague is also completely inept. It was clear that his resume was fabricated from Day 1, because he was completely unable to handle even the simplest tasks. Most of his work was delegated to me, and because of that, he spent his time employed here asking me to perform tasks for him, which I'd do because I didn't want to appear rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm worried that helping him with this one task will open the floodgates and have him think he can always reach out to me for assistance... or even worse, ask for a recommendation. I cannot in good faith recommend him to do anything of importance, and want to close this door - respectfully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question: &lt;strong&gt;how do I respond to him?&lt;/strong&gt; I do not want to help him, but do not want to be disrespectful or rude, despite the fact that I don't really like him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19110" LastEditorUserId="19110" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T12:59:45.517" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T23:05:11.647" Title="How do I respond to a former co-worker asking for help with his resume?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15792" CreationDate="2018-06-21T18:37:14.463" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;The simplest way is to set something up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're married. She's married. Know any party games or board games for 4 people? Talk it over with your spouse and find something that's fun that you think the 4 of you would enjoy doing. Then bring it up to your friend. If she thinks it sounds like fun, it will be natural to exchange numbers to coordinate the activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is useful for a number of reasons. First, it keeps your spouse involved so there's no suspicion of foul play. Second, it's more than just getting this person's number - after all, getting the number &lt;em&gt;isn't the goal&lt;/em&gt;, but rather the goal is &lt;em&gt;keeping in contact.&lt;/em&gt; This serves that goal better than just the phone number does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1633" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T18:37:14.463" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15801" CreationDate="2018-06-21T18:39:13.943" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I won't do that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying more is probably worse.  You'd be explaining why, which would likely be rude.  I do think this is preferable to outright ignoring or other passive and indirect forms of communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may need to deal with followups.  There are various ways of doing that.  The easiest is saying you won't discuss further and then repetition as necessary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how is this respectful?  He is responsible for keeping his resume up to date.  You know this - you added it as a comment to this answer!  He needs to do his own work.  (You know this, too!) With all due respect!  How can this be? It would be disrespectful to enable him.  You're respecting him by not helping him, here.  You're treating him like the independent responsible adult he is.  People rise to the level of expectation given to them.  If people treat him like an independent responsible adult, he will more act like one over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By telling him no now you are shutting those floodgates.  And you can continue to say no!  And it's the right thing to do when it helps the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastEditorDisplayName="user16858" LastEditDate="2018-06-21T19:06:32.950" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T19:06:32.950" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15799" CreationDate="2018-06-21T18:47:49.210" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I just said I was unhappy about the service and he said his offer stands to have me come in and that was that. I didn't curse or anything crazy, but I was irritated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I currently am an intern in the customer service department at a part stocking depot for a major car company and I've overheard calls from dealers inquiring about a part while the customer is absolutely &lt;em&gt;screaming&lt;/em&gt; in the background.  Don't sweat it too much about simply stating that you were unhappy with the service.  It is unlikely that the dealer really cares or even remembers this.  They have many customers, like how I have many calls, and I don't remember them unless they were &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; over the top and rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What more can I do? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go in and get the part installed.  If you remember the mechanic that was servicing you car before you can offer an apology or crack a joke (if you're confident) about how you should have listened the first time.  Having also worked in the food service industry, I greatly appreciate when someone apologies for their treatment of me and I have to congratulate you for even admitting your mistake because it does not happen often enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T18:47:49.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15801" CreationDate="2018-06-21T18:51:08.600" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that the best thing to do here is exactly what people (like your coworkers) usually do in this type of situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore him.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like your coworkers have already taken this route. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring him gives you the advantage of feigning surprise if he mentions it if you ever meet him face to face that responding no does not afford. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People do this all the time as it allows the requester to save face and is not a hard rejection (despite still being a rejection) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T18:51:08.600" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15683" CreationDate="2018-06-21T18:56:06.787" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The big problem here is that both sweating and bad breath can have a medical cause and your boss might have no control over it. Antiperspirant deodorants are not as powerful as you think. Since the brain ignores constant input, he is most likely not aware whether he has bad breath or body odor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, you didn't say anything about his general appearance. Does he actually smell sweaty? Does he often have greasy hair? Is he wearing clothes for many days, even with stains on them? Are his shoes dirty and uncared-for?&#xA;If the answer is &quot;no&quot;, he is probably not as unhygienic as you think. Seeing him in a different light may make it easier for you to work with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to a solution to your problem:&#xA;(since you stated you are working at a consulting company, I assume you interact directly with customers)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't expect him to change overnight. It won't happen.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't address the issues concerning his body (sweating, bad breath) directly. Worst case you damage your professional relationship long term.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Act as a good example. If you want him to clean up, start cleaning up yourself and ask him to join. If you want to do something against his breath, take a mint or gum and offer one to him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't make it about you or him, make it about your customers. After all, the customer is king. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best plan of action is to start with the issue you can fix the easiest: his laptop. Considering points 3 and 4 that means &lt;em&gt;both your laptops&lt;/em&gt; because &lt;em&gt;a customer looked weird at them&lt;/em&gt;. Your customers expect a clean screen when they are presented with information on a laptop. Make sure there are suitable cleaning supplies available before addressing the issue so there is no excuse to delay the cleaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next is the bad breath. Please consider that it might have a physical cause in his stomach that can only be corrected by an operation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can make a habit of eating a mint or chewing gum before seeing a customer and offering one to him. If he refuses every time, you could address his bad breath on a particularly bad day. Look apologetic, smile a little and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Maybe it would be better to take one. To be honest, you don't smell very fresh today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid you have to live with his sweating. If he has big wet spots under his armpits &lt;em&gt;every day&lt;/em&gt; there is literally nothing he can do about it but a painful operation. No amount and no kind of deodorant will stop his glands from producing sweat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he has body odor, you could put a can of deodorant in the bathroom for everyone to use. Again, only address the issue on a particularly bad day. In my experience, phrasing your concern in a funny way will be better received. Try something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You smell very manly today. Or: Your manly musk is quite strong today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="58" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T15:39:19.853" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T15:39:19.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15807" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15801" CreationDate="2018-06-21T21:10:28.790" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;So.. it sounds like you have someone you neither trust nor respect, asking you to provide your experience so he can fabricate his resume.  And you do not want to be any part of this but not appear disrespectful.  Do I have this summed up correctly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, let's start with the basics: you don't want to help.  There are ways to say &quot;no&quot; and not be rude about it.  My go-to answer is to say, &quot;I'm sorry, but that's not possible.&quot;  Notice I don't say no, and I don't offer explanations.  All I say is that it's just not possible.  All reasons do is give people reason to argue or try to convince why your reasons are wrong.  Technically, this is correct: it's not possible because you won't do it.  (But he doesn't need to know that.)  &quot;Why is it not possible?&quot;  &quot;It just isn't; I'm sorry.&quot; This isn't dissent or talking back; you're informing of facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if he wants help &lt;strong&gt;reviewing&lt;/strong&gt; his resume for grammar, you can do that.  You weren't his boss and have no idea what his job was.  Especially since he was &#xA;in a different position, you can't comment on what he did or review that.  But you can help him look over his spelling and grammar.  That's respectful and establishes a legitimate boundary.  Especially since you two had 2 different jobs, providing him with your experience will just set him up to fail - again.  That's disrespectful and only helps him get jobs he's not experienced in and unqualified for.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT the professor: Your professor is his friend, sure, but generally professors try to stay out of that fray.  If you do the work properly and the prof singles you out, all it takes is a visit to the Dean's office and he's in a world of hurt - especially since you are a minority.  I can't see any prof with any degree of intelligence taking on that risk.  I've been in a position where people had opposing views of me.  Both could not convince the other of the rightness of their position - they had their narrative and experience and that's what they based their view on.  Until the prof sees proof, it's only stories.  And what can your co-worker tell the prof?  He dislikes you?  Big deal.  The prof doesn't know you - yet.  Put your best forward, work hard, and learn.  That's what educators look for (at least it was when I was teaching) and they have enough to do that they don't have time to go around disliking people they only hear about - unless it's politicians.  But we won't go there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as recommendations go: you weren't his boss.  You didn't work the same position or have the same tasks.  So there's really nothing to base a professional recommendation on.  And if he asks you for a personal recommendation, go back to my original response: &quot;I'm sorry, that's not possible.&quot;  Here you can give reasons if you want: you weren't his boss and it's not appropriate to give out a recommendation since you can't speak to his performance or skills.  Speaking from having led a technical team, a recommendation from someone else in a different department doesn't really carry a lot of weight anyway.  I want people who saw him as a peer or his customer, not other person who knew his name.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-06-21T21:34:44.303" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T21:34:44.303" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15801" CreationDate="2018-06-21T21:44:28.880" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Beyond the already mentioned &quot;Just say no&quot; I don't really see a good response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You summarize this problem by stating that you definitely don't want to do anything to help him, even though he's asking for help from you directly, yet want to ensure that he continues to hold you in high regard. Your problem is that you don't want to burn the bridge you have with him and yet, don't want that bridge to begin with. Unfortunately you can't go back in time and set boundaries, so that bridge is there, whether you like it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see only a few options from this point:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The previously mentioned &quot;ignore him&quot; will force you to potentially lie blatantly to him on a repeated basis, but could allow you to save face. Simply stating that you didn't see his email and will check your &quot;junk folder&quot; is a response I've seen in some similar situations, which is the answer you will have to give every time you run into him. If he questions it, just move to &quot;technical difficulties&quot; and say you'll look again.  I doubt you'll run into him a ton of times and a few &quot;it might be in my junk folder&quot; responses should provide him the hint he needs, yet still not completely burn that bridge.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Provide him a write-up, but not yours. As you stated, this will take time you don't want to devote to this effort, but any response will take time, might as well write something up and be done with it. Since you don't have a high regard for him, the write-up you provide could be badly written.  He will probably not review it and if he does, there is no harm to you or your CV and allows you to save face.  He might comment that the write-up you provided isn't good but this would also ensure he didn't request more info or CV reviews from you in the future. It would also serve a secondary benefit of forcing him to re-write it himself. Granted this method might mean that he won't hold you in the highest regard, I doubt it would completely burn the bridge you have with him enough to reach out to that professor. (Speculation here)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19114" LastActivityDate="2018-06-21T21:44:28.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15810" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15838" CreationDate="2018-06-21T22:52:16.197" Score="3" ViewCount="898" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm  currently a 19 years old Spaniard male senior student, and a month ago I was asked for help by a male student in another course about a subject I'm good at. While helping him I discovered we have the same interests. We live in different towns and it's not possible to meet in person, so we sometimes chat via text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I'm usually the one that starts the conversation, and I would like to ask him if he's interested in getting to know me (or simply tell him I'm interested) and whether we could establish a texting routine this summer so we can try to be friends. We rarely see each other at school, and we're not in the same class so technically we aren't schoolmates. How can I ask for a texting routine? (e.g. every Tuesday and Thursday). I would like to avoid making things awkward between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As meeting in person seems viable, I'll list the reasons why I would rather text with him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Distance.&lt;/strong&gt; Yes, we go to the same school, but it's not mandatory like&#xA;Secondary education. It's hard to explain because our education&#xA;system is different. Anyway, there's a distance of 62 Km (38.53&#xA;miles) between out towns, and the only ways to go to his town would&#xA;be: by car (which is impossible since I don't own a driver's license)&#xA;or by train (which is affordable, but the train station is far from&#xA;his town).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's too early.&lt;/strong&gt; As I said, we met each other a month ago, and because&#xA;I helped him with a subject. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel a month is just not&#xA;enough time to start meeting someone in person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He has a life.&lt;/strong&gt; I really would like to meet in person, but sadly he&#xA;may not because summer vacation has just started and he will want to&#xA;meet his friends, date with his girlfriend, apply for a job... I&#xA;don't want to be a nuisance. So that means for example that he maybe&#xA;won't want to go to my town. I wouldn't mind to go to his town,&#xA;though. But still, I'm afraid of being a pain. Perhaps I'm wrong and&#xA;he would like to introduce me to his friends, but this leads to the&#xA;following reason:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bashfulness.&lt;/strong&gt; I'll be honest, I'm too shy to start and keep a&#xA;conversation in real life. And that's why I would like to establish a&#xA;friendship by means of texting. Unfortunately, I lack&#xA;self-confidence. What if I make a bad impression? I know this is&#xA;a cowardly behavior, but I don't want to ruin the opportunity of having&#xA;someone to chat with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19120" LastEditorUserId="19120" LastEditDate="2018-06-27T14:41:47.150" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T10:04:53.967" Title="How to tell a student in same school I want to get to know him?" Tags="&lt;texting&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;&lt;students&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-06-26T17:03:36.193" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15812" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-22T01:09:05.590" Score="8" ViewCount="2681" Body="&lt;p&gt;To keep the issue brief, there is someone in my life who I would like to interact with less. I don't have any ill will against her, but given the way she has developed as a person over the years it's becoming clear to me that she is someone that I don't need around anymore. To preface I've known this girl since I was in 8th grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's why: She is 21 years old, doesn't have her license, has never had a job, and shows no interest in changing either of these things. While these things may sound like they don't effect me, I have come to realize they play a sizeable role in both how a person matures and becomes independent. This girl is contacting me constantly. She sits around her house all day, texting me the entire time complaining about trivial things. Complaining about not having money, how she can't go shopping because she can't drive, how nobody ever hangs out with her (everyone is just sick of picking her up constantly), and all sorts of other things that I really just can't pretend to care about anymore. I'm beginning to think all of her other friends realized this well before I did and stopped hanging out with her, and I'm one of the few people who still puts up with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel bad saying all of these things because she's a nice person, but I've reached a point in my life where I don't want to be talking with her outside of the occasional times I see her in social settings while I'm home. Someone who puts off growing up to this severe of a degree isn't somebody I want in my life anymore.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19113" LastActivityDate="2018-08-11T22:03:40.107" Title="How to phase someone out of my life" Tags="&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;maturity&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15813" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15843" CreationDate="2018-06-22T01:28:02.330" Score="4" ViewCount="1892" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note: the text uses &quot;they&quot; when talking about the person in question to preserve anonymity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few years ago I was living with a close relative of mine and their parents, and I became aware that the relative was involved in some sort of a cult/sect. Relative was claiming that they were learning to heal people from distance. Tuition was apparently costly, as relative emptied the bank account which stored inheritance from my grandparents (a significant sum, approximately 30 of the relative's current monthly salaries). They were forced to reveal that when I told them I needed that money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying that I was shocked would be an understatement. I was furious, felt that the relative was a grandiose idiot, and I did not want to have anything to do with them. I asked them a few times to give me access to their bank account history, but they refused, claiming though that they had broken up with the cult. I did not keep pressing, but instead moved out and ceased talking to them for a year. The relative kept living with their parents at the same place, who also knew about the situation. After that year, I approached them and told them I had thought it had been cruel to break contact, and I wanted to restore it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days ago the relative approached me and told me they had multiple loans open, had already failed to meet some of their payment deadlines, and that particular day was the final deadline for the late payments the banks had agreed on, after which the matter would have been taken to court. They asked me to cover those payments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm making more than the average salary, and I have significant savings, so I could do that. However, I refused, saying that I did not want to pay for their stupidity. Instead, I started digging into their debts, using the fact that they came to me themselves, and therefore were (somewhat) willing to open up. It looked like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Write down a table of all banks, organisations, and people you owe money to, with names, dates, and amounts.&quot;&#xA;&quot;But why would you need that.&quot;&#xA;&quot;If you keep protesting, I'm getting up and leaving.&quot;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;they say something, I get up and leave, then return 20 minutes later&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;&quot;The table has only initials. Write down the full names.&quot;&#xA;&quot;Can you explain why you need those?&quot;&#xA;&quot;I do. And you aren't really in a position to negotiate.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It turned out way worse than I had imagined, as the total amount of their debt was approximately 80 times their monthly salaries, and aside from loans included some people and organisations the relative had borrowed money from. I questioned the relative on each of them, and it turned out that some of those sources were quite shady, and one was shady enough for me to decide to pay back to him right away for the sake of safety of the parents of the relative (who still lived there).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next day after I figured out the picture, I sought help from a lawyer. He advised me to find all legally binding documents that mentioned the debts of the relative (loan agreements, etc) and send those to him. I told the relative about that request. With the air of confidence the relative claimed that they &quot;had everything in order&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was shocked yet again and attempted to remind them that they had enormous debt. They kept reiterating about everything being in order. I threatened to tell everything to their parents (who the relative had asked me not to involve due to their heart problems). They said go ahead. I freaked out and slapped the relative on the face, then told everything to their parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The three of us confronted the relative, but they were telling nothing at all. &quot;Show us your bank account history.&quot; &quot;Why do I have to?&quot; &quot;Because we know you are deeply in debt.&quot; &quot;I won't show you anything.&quot; After maybe 20 minutes of interrogation they at least admitted that they had had the debt I had paid for the day before. &quot;Well, I had one debt, it's covered, now I don't have any.&quot; Feeling like an impediment (I was way too furious, although I kept quiet most of the time), I left after a while with the relative's mother, leaving them alone with their father. On his own, he managed to get nothing either, despite his interpersonal skills significantly surpassing mine or his wife's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(added later)&lt;/em&gt; I have also received messages on social media from people the relative owns money to. They intend to go to court in a few days. The name matches exactly to what the relative told me; the amount matches approximately, but that looks very much like rounding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still have a very vague idea about the relative's income, savings, open bank accounts, and only a moderately good idea of their debt structure. Their current monthly loan payment is twice as large as their salary. They owe money to more than 10 entities. Many of those payments are long overdue. I also believe that in the day between I interrogated them and they told me they &quot;had everything in order&quot; they got into another debt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am strongly tempted to leave the relative to deal with their own problems. Unfortunately, this will mean the parents of the relative will see those problems too. But I can only assist if the relative cooperates, which they defiantly don't do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really want to work for the well-being of the relative. However, at the very least, &lt;strong&gt;I want to ensure the safety of their parents&lt;/strong&gt;, which includes finding out all potential causes of danger and eliminating them or targeting them at the relative only. With regards to more details on potential causes that I have already been told about, I am somewhat at a loss, as I feel I cannot share more than I have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, &lt;strong&gt;I want to minimise investment of my time and money in this&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, &lt;strong&gt;I would want the relative to acknowledge the fact that they are in trouble, open up, and accept (legal, not financial) help&lt;/strong&gt;, because that will make their parents happier. The parents fully comprehend the situation, but they are not very good at taking active action, which leaves me as the person to intervene.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I think it's pretty obvious from the above that I do not control well my emotions, so I will have to either minimise my direct involvement, or to change my attitude somehow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to achieve these goals?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some ideas on leverage that I have:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The relative has social network accounts with &gt;100 friends. I can reach out to (some of) them and tell them about the situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I still have the list of the people and organisations the relative owes money to. Those are just first names (I am now regretting I did not press for last names too), but that's enough to find them through the relative's friend lists on social networks.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The relative keeps two laptops at home with unencrypted hard drives, and has an Android phone. While both laptops have Windows and are password-protected, I can still copy their hard drive contents, and with some luck, get access to their Google account, from which I can get their contact list and location history. Or I can simply do that while they are at home but not at their laptop, as they do not have a habit of locking the screen.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I could talk to the relative's parents to force the relative out of the house. The parents are unlikely to agree to that, though.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Since the parents are fully aware of the situation, they intend not to sponsor the relative in any way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, the relative has a sibling who shows identical symptoms (was involved in the same cult years ago, has not been seen interacting with it since, does not bring any money home). The sibling is married and lives separately; their spouse is aware of the situation with my relative, but has no extra information about the sibling. The spouse was shocked to hear the story from me and promised to have a conversation with the sibling after the spouse's planned vacation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Response to comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You helped them, then all the sudden they didn't need or want your help anymore. They refused to offer any actual documents or proof that their story was legitimate, for a reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have reasons to believe and not believe this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The relative has never been caught on an elaborate lie. All lies are always simple: &quot;I have no debt&quot; instead of &quot;I've received an unexpected gift from someone I've been dating for a couple of weeks, which was enough to cover me for the time being&quot;. During my interrogation, I was insisting on details, which they are bad at making up (or so good they've never been caught).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One detail from the story about the particular debt I repaid checked out (I was able to independently verify some documents).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Furthermore, initially the relative was asking me to repay a different debt, one that was due to their late loan payments, and only after going through the entire list I decided that that particular one should be covered ASAP.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;However, in order to repay that debt, I made a card-to-card transfer, to a card whose number the relative dictated for me. After I made the transfer, they got their phone and told me that they texted about the fact to their creditor. I have not seen the messages, and I don't know who the card belongs to. &lt;em&gt;Probably&lt;/em&gt; I should have demanded more proof that that number was indeed the right one; however, the relative is strongly averse to questioning their actions (and has been so for as long as I remember), so I'm not sure how that demand would have played out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided to mark the answer by @YElm as accepted, since they provide multiple specific strategies I can adopt. However, I am still on lookout for any good ideas, and would be grateful for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19121" LastEditorUserId="19121" LastEditDate="2018-06-24T14:10:03.683" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T05:55:20.257" Title="Close relative refuses to acknowledge being deeply in debt" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11186" CreationDate="2018-06-22T03:23:30.543" Score="-3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Assuming my mother is still alive and is receptive to being contacted, how should I do it? I know I would need to apologize but beyond that I'm lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is awfully reminiscent of a problem I'm currently having, but with my father: I think he could be dead and nobody in my family bothered telling me. I hope that you aren't also insinuating something similar. That is, your mother has passed away, nobody told you, and so you never got to attend her funeral. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But my mother is a good person and has always loved me. I'm not sure but I think she would want to get back in touch with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You realise what you're saying? Because you've ignored your parents for 5 or so years, you've totally killed the maternal bond you have with your mother to the point that she wouldn't want to see you again before she dies. Even if she only loves you half as much as you think she does, I would say that she really misses you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But he has probably lied to my mother about the incident to gain her sympathy so I'm not sure she would side with me to keep him at bay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might placate him just to keep the peace, but I bet she knows how much of a dick your father is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I get back in touch with my mother I would want to do my best to make sure he doesn't find me or think that I will talk to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More likely the latter. That is, that all is forgotten and you're all cool. This complicates matters a little because if you want a meaningful relationship with your mother, you will have to interact with him in some awkward way or &quot;sneak around&quot; to meet up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To make things worse, I have a child that I know my mother would love.&#xA;  Assuming my mother is still alive and is receptive to being contacted, how should I do it? I know I would need to apologize but beyond that I'm lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're concerned that you're not going to be able to keep your emotions in check i.e. cry, then I would suggest a very brief letter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her that you have a kid now, and that being a parent to that child has brought back memories of your own childhood, which made you think of her. Tell her that you miss her and that you'd really like [Insert Child's Name] to meet grandma [Insert Mother's Name]. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Include a photo of the kid, but only if you don't think she'll consider it a form of emotional blackmail, and include your phone number. Don't mention your dad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure you have your reasons for wanting to apologise to her, but I think if you want to apologise, you should wait to see her in person to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8011" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T03:23:30.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15813" CreationDate="2018-06-22T04:39:17.787" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;What sort of bank lends money without collateral, or ability to repay, for something like this? The whole thing sounds sketchy and there's likely big pieces that you still don't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My experience with these weird &quot;I owe a lot of people a lot of money, some of whom may break my legs for it&quot; comes from some really dark times in my life... The people I knew who had these problems were typically junkies and gamblers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably sufficient to say that to get in that far, the person borrowing the money needs to be a pretty effective scammer/hustler to achieve the kind of debts you're talking about. It takes a good deal of game to get several people to part with large sums of money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Which brings me to the most likely and most unfortunate conclusion. It's a lot more likely that you're the one they're trying to hustle.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have this elaborate and unbelievable sob story, help me out fam. They're going to hurt me if I don't pay them back...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is precisely the sort of story that led you to help them. You &lt;em&gt;helped them&lt;/em&gt;, then all the sudden they didn't need or want your help anymore. They refused to offer any actual documents or proof that their story was legitimate, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;for a reason.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; They blew through a heap of money, on something, needed more, you gave them more, so they're good for the time being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pro-tip: banks don't lend money to hustlers unless they're exceptionally good. It's much easier to hustle family members who are emotionally invested.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...things people like me know that regular folks shouldn't need to know... Don't be like me kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's a little late, but I just realized that I threw a giant red flag without telling you what to do about it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take a step back, wait, and watch.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it'll sound awful, but letting your family member flounder is probably the better course, if you really want to help them. Feeling the weight of poor choices is often the only thing that forces some people to make better choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds cruel on the surface, and they will definitely feel/tell you that it is, but do you want to help, or enable them to keep doing what they've been doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I absolutely know it is painful, but let them fail. Let them suffer until it hurts enough to do something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things are self teaching. You don't really need to punish or reward them. Life will naturally just kind of do that in some cases. This is very likely one of those cases. They're touching a very hot stove, and it is burning them. Let them figure out that they'll stop hurting once they stop touching the hot stove. Getting burnt teaches you not to touch the stove. Being rescued teaches you a very different lesson; that people will step in and bail you out when you're in too deep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If their only reason to pull their hand back from a hot stove is you doing it for them, their feedback is you grabbing their hand, not the burn of the stove. In your efforts to help, you're teaching them to rely on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T05:55:20.257" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T05:55:20.257" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15812" CreationDate="2018-06-22T06:49:56.037" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To keep the issue brief, there is someone in my life who I would like to interact with less. I don't have any ill will against her, but given the way she has developed as a person over the years it's becoming clear to me that she is someone that I don't need around anymore. To preface I've known this girl since I was in 8th grade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel bad saying all of these things because she's a nice person, but I've reached a point in my life where I don't want to be talking with her outside of the occasional times I see her in social settings while I'm home. Someone who puts off growing up to this severe of a degree isn't somebody I want in my life anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you are willing to lose her as a friend it would seem you have a bit of leeway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not come up with a list of reasonable improvements and expectations. Explain that she can do this for herself, you, or for no one (IE: not do it). If she is not interested in improving herself and advancing forward you'll need to leave her behind and continue your own progress, without a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boat_anchor_(metaphor)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;boat anchor&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is to be on the list, how long it is, and how you present it is up to you. You probably want to be responsible, polite, fair and fairly firm. I've met again people I've known a long time ago, their thinking was that it would be a good idea to hang around again; while not absolutely opposed to the idea  I've left the question unspoken &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;Why?&lt;/strong&gt;&amp;quot; and after a few times they've got the hint. You're in somewhat frequent contact with this person, thus by not &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_fK_QNJio4&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;breaking the chains&lt;/a&gt; you just go &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0u8teXR8VE4&amp;amp;app=desktop&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;round and round&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T06:49:56.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15812" CreationDate="2018-06-22T08:18:30.387" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in a similar situation, where a fairly close friend of mine started behaving in a way that I didn't agree with. I think the details of the situation are less relevant, the situation is the same: you have a friend, they're behaving in a way that causes you to not want to interact with them, but if they change their behaviour you're quite willing to start interacting with them again. There may be a cultural component here, my approach worked for me in the Dutch culture, where honesty is valued.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, I took the honest approach: when I was alone with my friend, I told them how things stood. In your case, this might look something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;X, I need to talk to you about your recent behaviour. You've been complaining about things instead of fixing them and it's reached the point where it's overshadowing our friendship. I'm talking about the fact that you don't have a driver's license nor a job, which affects everything. You're stuck in the house all day unless someone picks you up. You don't have any money to go shopping because you don't have a job. You complain about these things instead of fixing them, which has led to people distancing themselves from you. It's reached the point where, if you don't start making a change soon, you're going to lose me too. I love you and I want you to succeed in live, but if you keep this up then that's just not going to happen and I can't bear to watch that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important elements are: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stick to the facts. You're not trying to start an argument, you're explaining why you feel the way you do.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be honest. Sugarcoating things will make it harder for your message to get across. It's important that your friend understands exactly what the problem is, and how it's affecting your relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it clear that you still care about them. You're trying to &lt;em&gt;help&lt;/em&gt; them, not kick them while they're down.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, there's a strong chance that your friend will not take this conversation very well. You're confronting them with facts that they probably know to some extent already, but they are probably unaware of just how strong an effect they are having on their life. Having a friend tell you that you're about to lose them is an emotional affair, for both parties involved. If they become angry, give them space to think and wait until they come to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to talk about it. They may decide that you're wrong, in which case you've achieved your goal to stop interacting with this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully though, your friend will be able to see this for what it is: a last ditch-effort on your part to salvage the friendship, before you break off contact entirely. This is what happened with my friend: after his emotions had calmed down a little, he began to see that I wasn't trying to hurt him. He saw that his behaviour had caused him to lose his other friends and that he was about to lose one of the few friends he had left. He turned things around and we're friends to this day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1932" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T08:18:30.387" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15724" CreationDate="2018-06-22T09:48:56.520" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a point that hasn't been covered by any of the answers. I feel like the husband is regarded as a passive element of the situation, a person that has to be protected from the tentation of cheating on his wife. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If the wife is needlessly jealous, this is first and foremost a problem for the husband.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm lesbian, I have a partner and lots of my friends are female. Some of them are homosexual themselves and have a partner too. Sometimes I &lt;em&gt;request&lt;/em&gt; my lesbian friends to go out alone with me: even if I enjoy being with them and their partner, I don't feel at ease sharing intimate things with the SO. If their partner feels threatened, the main problem is &lt;strong&gt;within the couple&lt;/strong&gt; and needs to be (and has actually been) managed primarily by my friends, not by me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my suggestion is: &lt;strong&gt;before everything else, talk with your male friends about the jealousy of their wives, and prompt them to find a solution.&lt;/strong&gt; Being jealous of your husband's lifetime friend is not a healthy sign for a couple. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, jealousy from my SO towards my friends has occurred. Here's what I have successfully tried and what you could suggest to your friends:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make them (the wife and the friend) meet in a comfortable environment for everybody. The wife doesn't enjoy the D&amp;amp;D night? Propose every once in a while a beer at a pub, a karaoke night, a walk in the mountains, whatever.  Especially recommended the settings that leave room to chat. Which leads us to point #2.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Introduce them to a topic you know they would enjoy. You know both of them very well, so you probably know the experiences that they could share and form a bond on. It's very unlikely that they would spontaneously start talking about the trip to Japan they both did when they were young. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talk with both of them, one-on-one and together. Don't neglect one because the other is there.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Compliment your wife, both when you're with your friend and after the meeting.&lt;/strong&gt; Things like &quot;I couldn't stop looking at you, you were radiant&quot; do a great deal in reducing jealousy. Yes, he was talking to the friend for a hour, but the wife knows that she is &lt;em&gt;the one&lt;/em&gt; throughout all this time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you're alone, talk about the friend with the wife. State how much it's important that they meet and get to know each other. (At least, &lt;em&gt;to me&lt;/em&gt; it's important that the people I love the most get to know each other.) Ask the opinion of the wife about the friend, hint at things that the two could have in common etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If none of this works and the wife feels very jealous, then the husband should address the problem directly with his wife. You could suggest him to do this by asking things such as &quot;how do you feel about her jealousy? Do you think it's a taboo topic? Why do you think she's jealous?&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to what you can directly do with the wife, I think this has extensively covered by the other answers. I'll add that, in general, &lt;strong&gt;acknowledging the role of the wife and the importance of their wedding can ease your relationship with her&lt;/strong&gt;. By this I mean, for instance, sharing with her points of the husband's character that have improved since they're together, or telling her about how you perceiveve that he's way happier than before. You can also take interest in the plans they're doing for their future, be it summer vacations or having a baby. The message here is: &lt;em&gt;I acknowledge and respect your role, which involves unique features not shared by mine&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T09:48:56.520" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15822" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15828" CreationDate="2018-06-22T10:58:36.120" Score="181" ViewCount="38299" Body="&lt;p&gt;To preface my question, I am an Irish 21 year old male currently on a college work placement. I work Monday through Friday from 7:30 AM - 5:00 PM as an RPA developer and Business Analyst.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I commute by my car approximately 40 minutes each way so this adds another hour and 20 minutes to my working day.  I also tend bar locally Friday night and Saturday night from 8 PM to 3 or 4 AM every week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live at home for the summer until the college year starts again in 3 months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My issue stems when I arrive home in the evenings from work and go to my bedroom for an hour nap everyday to recharge and be productive for the night. When I get up from my nap and talk to my parents for the first time for the day I generally get a comment along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh yeah, here he is again after sleeping at 5 in the evening, tired from sitting in front of a computer typing nothing all day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is always a sarcastic comment followed by a chore (cleaning my room, cutting the lawn, taking the dog for a walk) that is given to my as I have &quot;Done nothing all day and it would be good for me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My issue here is not how can I get my parents to stop giving me chores (I am perfectly okay with the chores) but more to get the negative comments to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried bringing it up that just because &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; don't understand my job doesn't mean that I do nothing, or the fact that I am sitting down all day working on a computer as it is extremely mentally draining.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have also tried showing them projects I work on but I am always dismissed with the response&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But it's easy for you to do computer things because you're good at them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convey to them that my IT job is mentally draining and that I am not in fact doing nothing all day in a way that they won't just casually dismiss it and continue with the negative comments?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More information:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My mother is a stay-at-home parent and my father is a goods delivery man (drives a van delivering yogurts and ham to shops). My parents and I are generally very stubborn about things in general and because of this I'm not sure of how to be blunt without coming across as aggressive as well.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I currently train three days a week playing football at 1 hr 30 mins each time with a 90 min match at the weekend, so physical exercise is not an issue at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Moving out of home is not an option at this point as the money I am earning is all going towards paying for my college fees for my final year.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19129" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-06-28T13:56:32.760" LastActivityDate="2019-07-01T15:09:47.697" Title="How can I convey to my technologically inept parents that my IT job is mentally draining" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="24" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-22T11:19:38.907" Score="63" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in IT myself - UK-based - and for the first few months out of university, was still living with the parents (who are tech-savvy, just not to the same extent as you or I).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be reluctance to talk at length about what you get up to in the working day because your parents and others may not understand it. In these circumstances, parents may do one of two things; either fill in the blanks with their own imaginations, or conclude that nothing was done at all. Find a way to talk to them about what you are doing each day (with minimal jargon), including anything particularly troublesome or complicated. This will help them realise that you are indeed keeping yourself busy, and therefore why you need time to recharge when getting home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happened especially with relatives from a non-management background, or those whose jobs involved a lot of manual labour; it can be hard for some to comprehend that a job can be mentally tiring as well as physically. It can be important to make your parents aware that &lt;em&gt;this is a result of you being good at your job&lt;/em&gt;; you have responsibilities, you are trusted to handle critical situations, a team's success or failure can be influenced by how on-the-ball you are. In a calm way, give them the facts about your day. Help them see for themselves why you need your time to recover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may help, if you don't already do so, offer to pay dig money or offer alternative contributions to the household. It &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; dissuade your parents from demanding more from you in terms of everyday chores.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the sarcastic responses continue, you may have to be firm and tell them of how this is an important step in your career and you need support, not jokes. You can make mention of the aforementioned suggestions too. Hope it helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastEditorDisplayName="user8671" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T12:06:18.257" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T12:06:18.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-22T12:00:29.467" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're not alone in this. Unfortunately, people who don't work in technology will never fully understand what you do and conflicts like this will happen. I had major issues which parents-in-law coming to stay while I was working from home. I quite literally could not hear the person on the other end of the phone for all the noise they made, then they had a big row about me choosing to go work outside the house when they visited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things that I learned from that experience:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A major factor for them was feeling ignorant about what I was doing. They have always done manual-ish jobs and felt defensive/threatened by me doing a job like that and the possibility that I might be looking down on them. I wasn't, but it added fuel to the fire. Bearing this in mind, though, allowed me to be more philosophical about things they said/did similar to your parents.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some analogies did help. I liken programming to spending all day talking to the most pedantic idiot you've ever met. You have to explain EVERY LITTLE THING. It's exhausting in the same way that looking after a toddler all day is exhausting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being careful about language helps to deal with them feeling threatened.  Better to say &quot;I find my work very tiring&quot; than &quot;My work is very tiring&quot; because the second version they may complete as &quot;My work is [more important and difficult than your work and] very tiring&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Time helps. We don't have the same problems any more. Not so much through any dramatic change of approach, more through a slow growth in understanding&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'd agree with the comment that you're working too much. If at all possible, reducing hours would make you better at your main job and better at dealing with the whole thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19130" LastEditorUserId="19130" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T12:30:07.460" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T12:30:07.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15826" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-22T12:09:56.310" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find that a simple comparison helps because it gives people a reference to start from, they need to 'reset' their frame of reference (which currently is &quot;just sitting and typing some stuff&quot;, which isn't the hard part). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to find some example they can relate to. I don't know how it's called in English (or even if Ireland has something similar), but this often works well for me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you remember those weeks at school where you didn't have classes but had a few tests per day? Where you had to use your head quite a lot to prepare for those tests? Well, that the intensity I use full time at my job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2019-06-28T13:49:45.367" LastActivityDate="2019-06-28T13:49:45.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-22T12:32:17.633" Score="152" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think I would meet this head-on. Thinking is tiring and both your parents know this because they do it. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nothing? When Dad is driving, he is sat in the van, but he's not doing nothing, is he? He's watching the road, for other drivers, pedestrians, eejits coming out in front of him, maybe people asking him stuff over the radio, planning the best way to get somewhere if there's traffic, there's a lot of thinking. And he'll tell you that's hard work, because it is. And yourself, don't you have to decide every day what to cook, should you pop to the shops, do we have enough butter, should you get a load of washing on now or later, a lot of decisions to be made all the time. [&lt;em&gt;Ideally you could also add in here something about a relative or friend of hers that you know is mentally draining:&lt;/em&gt; And then Aunt Cecily calls and you have to talk to her for an hour listening to her problems when you have plenty of your own things to take care of.] You know that can wear you out some days more than doing something physical. That's how it is for me - I have to make a lot of decisions, answer a lot of questions, react to things that are happening. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then smile because you enjoy your job, you're not complaining, and you're good at it too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So after all that thinking, something physical is a nice change. I'm happy to mow the lawn or walk the dog, stretch my legs a little, it will be good for all of us. Just please don't call my work doing nothing. It's hard in its own way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that your parents are being less critical than you think. If you can substitute &quot;nothing physical&quot; or &quot;only thinking&quot; when they say &quot;nothing&quot; the suggestions to move around a little can be seen as suggesting you vary your activities rather than implying you are paid to relax. But you can address the &quot;my work is hard&quot; part nonetheless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, they may dismiss what you say. But you're not just saying &quot;I don't do nothing!&quot; you're explaining (in some detail, and using analogies to things they know to be true) why the thinking part of your job can be tiring. As well, you're flattering them a little and assuring them that you also think they have hard work to do all day - you are not trying to claim that you work harder than them and somehow &quot;deserve&quot; a nap that they do not deserve. You stay positive, you focus on what you're happy about, you explain your job a little but not in wildly technical terms or showing off at all. That should go some way to keeping things nice and not starting a fight or an argument over who has a hard job and who does not. How are they going to argue with this? &lt;em&gt;&quot;Your father's job is not hard at all, how dare you!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&quot;You speak politely to your mother, she doesn't have a lot of thinking to do, she relaxes all day!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; I don't think so. Even the simple phrasing &quot;in its own way&quot; means that it's harder for them to argue that it's not hard just because it's not exactly the same as something else that is hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T01:02:42.003" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T01:02:42.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15829" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-22T12:40:35.260" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what is likely to be help is to establish a more open channel of communication with your parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who struggles with the same thing with my parents, actually in an extremely similar circumstance as yourself, I've found that talking about discrete details from my day helps my parents to build a better mental picture of what I've been doing. Saying things like &quot;I wrote an impressive algorithm today that will save x amount of time&quot; or &quot;Man, I had this logical problem I just couldn't solve&quot; might tip the scales of understanding towards them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in my experience with a similar workload to yourself (albeit in America where this is to be expected of a college student), I find it hard to even find time to talk to my parents. I don't mean to assume, but this may be part of your problem as well. I would suggest taking steps to reduce your strain; part of the problem here stems from the strain and toll that your work is taking on you, which is going to make you feel more irritable with more innocuous things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you work at a bar; I don't by any means mean to call the job more &quot;casual&quot;, but typically service jobs like this in America tend to be more lenient with their part-time workers. Is there any way for you to take a leave of absence from that job in order to focus more on your new IT one? This might help alleviate some of that strain and allow you to be more productive, and free you some more time to spend with your parents and establish that line of communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand you say that you are happy with the amount of hours you're working and that you can handle it, but please do consider that giving yourself more time to rest, recuperate, and focus will have great effects on your mental health and productivity. Something I struggle to come to terms with myself!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19133" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T12:40:35.260" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15801" CreationDate="2018-06-22T12:53:21.990" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There’s a difference between helping with a resume, that is taking the correct and true facts and representing them in the best possible way, and fabricating a resume (in other words, lying).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since he seems to ask you to support him by lying, an answer “no, you are asking me to fabricate a resume, and I’m not doing that “ is good enough. It is neither rude nor disrespectful to refuse to lie for someone. Quite the opposite, he should be ashamed of asking you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS Don’t do work that other people are paid for, unless your manager is aware of it and tells you to do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS If you hear anything negative from that professor, you talk to him or her and clearly express that you refused to help that colleague create a fake resume. If he lied about you behind your back, it’s time to go nuclear on him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS Don’t worry about culture. Your grand grand mother wasn’t allowed on a bus. You are allowed to refuse being taken advantage of. And I bet I’m older than you, so do what I say :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS Your reputation is at stake here. If I hired someone incompetent based on a resume that you wrote (and I would find out, I’m sure he would throw you under a bus), your reputation would be destroyed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T13:06:09.487" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T13:06:09.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15831" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15801" CreationDate="2018-06-22T12:53:42.623" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel it necessary to respond, the best policy might be to deliberately misunderstand what he's asking for.  Respond with &quot;I'd be happy to review your resume to see if it reads well&quot; (which I think you would be happy to do).  Then, when he keeps asking for you to fake a resume for him, you don't have to say no, you can just keep giving him variations of &quot;sure, send over your resume, I'll look it over&quot;.  If you keep politely on that message, I don't think you can be seen as &quot;back-talking&quot; him, you are &quot;agreeing&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've used the &quot;deliberate misunderstanding&quot; approach when dealing with a rather nasty upper management guy who was trying to put me in a bad position with his large team.  It really can work if you think about what you are trying to get done and word it in such a way that trying to correct the misinterpretation will make the sender look bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T23:05:11.647" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T23:05:11.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15832" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-22T13:24:33.987" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suspect that even though it may be true that they don't understand the difficulty of what you do, that isn't the problem. It's what they see and don't see about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only time they get to see you is before you go to work and when you get back. So they see you wake up, and the next time they see you, you're going back to bed. In between, you're doing what you enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those who do housework all day can be touchy when the spouse comes home and asks &quot;I've been earning a living … what have &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; been doing all day?&quot; It's the same problem - the one who does work that others don't see experiences stress and tiredness, but the source of that stress and tiredness isn't visible, so people tend to dismiss it, to the annoyance of the one who's tired and stressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The complicating factor is that they believe (correctly, it seems) that you enjoy your work. It should be like going on holidays! Unfortunately, it means that &quot;Why don't we switch jobs for a day?&quot; doesn't work here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two underlying issues to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;There's a possibility that there's no malice behind the ribbing they're giving you. It just annoys you. You can point that out in like fashion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, my work is real easy - almost as easy as housework/driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't recommend this, though. It has the potential to backfire and strain the relationship from the other end. It's probably more productive to change your own perception:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Haha! Brain work is still tiring, you know!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They really think you're doing nothing, and the sleep-disappear-sleep pattern annoys them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can address some of the misunderstanding by pointing to public perception:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know how programmers are always shown as needing coffee/caffeine, right? It's not because they're lazy. It's because, like truck drivers, they have to concentrate on what they're doing. And that makes us tired after a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In relation to physical activity, your parents might also be concerned about your level of fitness, or perhaps about family interaction. You can address this by suggesting a joint activity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After my nap, how would you like to come with me for a walk? Something funny happened at the office today, and I'd like to hear your thoughts on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastEditorUserId="8540" LastEditDate="2018-06-23T16:10:48.017" LastActivityDate="2018-06-23T16:10:48.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15812" CreationDate="2018-06-22T13:39:43.543" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;From reading other answers it is clear this is a familiar situation to a lot of people, myself included. I'm in my 40s, and incredibly I &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; know people like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are just late starters, often people that weren't &quot;academically smart&quot; so didn't do well in school but are still smart in other ways and eventually find their way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others though never change. Their thinking is just geared towards wallowing rather than doing anything about their problems. I think some believe their problems - their lack of a job, lack of money, lack of a driving licence - actually define them. And of course it is all cyclical - can't get a job because I don't have a car; can't afford a car because I don't have a job. It &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; frustrating to any rational person and I can understand why you find it toxic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So - you are looking for a way to break contact rather than offer help. You probably imagine an offer of help will be tiring and strung out, which it may well be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But why have a conversation with her at all? She complains to you that other friends have &lt;strong&gt;drifted&lt;/strong&gt; away from her. If any of those other friends had actually had a conversation with her about severing ties you would surely have heard about it. So if they just faded away and ignored her, why do you feel the need to announce your departure? I can only imagine you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; hope it will have some effect on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, if she is someone who enjoys talking about her woes then a conversation where you just attack her and then leave will just turn into her newest woe to talk about with the next person willing to listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mind is made up to break ties, just drift. It will hurt her less. Don't reply to emails, don't answer calls (or decreasingly answer them over time) and don't tell her you are coming to visit. If you are connected on social media then move her to a group that limits what she sees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; to have a conversation with her then at least make it useful to her! Use the opportunity to encourage her, but show that you don't have the time or energies to carry her if she doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel the most useful conversation you could have (useful to you &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt;) is one where you don't announce that the friendship is over, but show how her &lt;strong&gt;inaction&lt;/strong&gt; in dealing with her problems is forcing the end of it. You're not closing the door on your friendship, but rather showing her the way forward and then closing the door on the way out. She can either follow your advice and keep up with you, or she will know the reason why your friendship ended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm worried about you. You could fix a lot of the problems you talk about, like having no money or car, but you don't do anything about it. Everybody else has grown up, moved on, got jobs. There's nothing stopping you from doing the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And perhaps, after any response from her, go on to make your point:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I like my life now. I wish I could say I'll always have time for you, but I have to be honest, it is very draining when a friendship is one-sided. I can't always be the one to drive, I can't always be the one to pay for things. And I can't constantly listen to you talk about the same problems you could do something about. If you had a job and a car you could get out and visit people, enjoy your life, and have new things to talk about other than having no car or money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T13:39:43.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-22T14:09:07.273" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've done desk jobs all my life, including 17 years in IT. My parents never understood what I do either, yet they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; understanding. My father, despite being a manual worker, encouraged me to go into IT because it was an emerging field and he didn't want me to work as hard as he had to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So there isn't necessarily a direct link between your parents not understanding your work, and not understanding why it is tiring. And that is probably a good thing, because you'll likely never get them to understand IT.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than try to show them how a mentally draining job can leave you too tired for mowing the lawn, try to flip it around, and show them that too much manual work will leave you too tired to concentrate on your job!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You may not believe me when I say my job is tiring, but it is. And after I mowed the lawn for you last night &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; did my night time job I could barely concentrate during the day. Do you want me to lose my job because I'm too tired to think straight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, I'm not encouraging you to dodge chores. Because when you get your own place you'll have a lot more to do after work than just mow the lawn and tidy one room. But if your parents are heaping unreasonable chores on you because they think some fresh air / hard manual work will do you good after work, then this may be the way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our generation may never have to physically work as hard as our parents / grandparents did. That's progress for you. But our generation also has more reported cases of stress, anxiety, burnout, depression and chronic fatigue disorders too. Older folk who tell us we have it easy often forget this, that is if they even &lt;em&gt;believe&lt;/em&gt; all those things are real.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't use the information in that last paragraph to &lt;em&gt;guilt&lt;/em&gt; your parents into leaving you alone, but you could use it as the basis for a frank discussion with them. Otherwise, just try to work out this problem from within yourself - remind yourself that you don't want to fall to anxiety and burnout, so don't let your parents or anybody else stress you out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T14:09:07.273" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15837" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15810" CreationDate="2018-06-22T14:20:54.543" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you're chatting with him again, let him know that you're enjoying your friendship with him.  Let him know that you have a busy schedule, but would like to make room for him each week around your work load, and his.  Suggest some days and times.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;User 19120, some people don't want to be scheduled.  For them &quot;having&quot; to do something at a certain time each week, becomes a chore, a drag and leads to resentment. If he declines to be scheduled, it does not necessarily mean he is rejecting you per se. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18934" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T14:20:54.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15810" CreationDate="2018-06-22T15:34:59.600" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your goal is to encourage him to text you more often - so my answer will be built off of that premise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How can I ask for a texting routine? (e.g. every Tuesday and Thursday). I would like to avoid making things awkward between us.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's not an elegant way to ask someone to text you more often. Texting is such an integrated part of society now a days that people don't really &lt;em&gt;schedule&lt;/em&gt; time to do so, they just &lt;em&gt;do it&lt;/em&gt; as they are going about their day.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to the above, the degree to which people text/communicate on a day-to-day basis varies wildly.  Some people like to text 24/7, some only like to text when they have a certain discussion goal in mind, and some don't really like to text much at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all of the above in consideration, it'd probably come off awkward, possibly overbearing, to bluntly ask them to text you at certain days/times. &lt;strong&gt;Your best route of action would be to express your interest and continue making efforts from your end to communicate with him.&lt;/strong&gt;  You could express your interest in continuing your friendship with him by saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Would you want to stay in touch this summer?  I've enjoyed having someone to talk to about ______ (your shared interests) with!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This not only accomplishes your goal of asking him to stay in touch with you (more subtly than setting a routine), but &lt;em&gt;invites&lt;/em&gt; him to continue the friendship with you by being friendly and open about your motives.  You also are reminding him of &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; the friendship is valuable by mentioning your shared interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last but not least, &lt;strong&gt;don't give up on the friendship if he still doesn't take much initiative in reaching out to you first&lt;/strong&gt;. I am the type of person who doesn't often reach out to people unless I have something to say, but it doesn't mean I don't sincerely value the friendship of my friends who reach out to me first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T15:34:59.600" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-22T16:12:04.103" Score="5" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Personal Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I currently have 3 jobs that I work which take up a lot of time from my week.  I occasionally have the same problem as you with my parents and friends not understanding how I could be so tired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My jobs are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Full time (40 hrs/wk) customer service job at a parts depot with a 1hr commute each way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Part time (Approx. 14-18 hrs/wk) at a fast food restaurant in a hot kitchen that regularly gets to around 40 degrees Celsius (the AC is broken at the place, it's getting fixed). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Streaming (Approx. 12 hrs/wk) after work on Mon, Wed, Fri and the weekends (This isn't technically a job but I am taking it seriously and I stick to my schedule religiously).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm fine with this amount of work, but I do prefer to stay inside when I get home and not do much besides this.  My parents complain that I need to go outside more to be more active, and I do agree, however when I get home from either of the jobs I am usually really tired from all the driving or standing.  My friends will ask me to go out, and I've been declining their offers more often as of late, which usually leads to resentment from them telling me to ease up and not work so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Solutions&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;These solutions might or might not work for you or anyone else facing this issue.  Take these with a grain of salt and adapt them to your situation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Detail how many hours you work and how this amount of work can be draining, even if it is &quot;easy&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sheer amount of hours could be enough to convince some people that you have a right to be tired.  When my mother said &quot;working at a desk is easier than working with kids (shes an elementary school teacher with a degree in geography, which is important)&quot;, I would ask her if she would be able to study maps, or listen to her favorite song for 8 hours a day.  When she responded with &quot;no&quot; I related it to 8 hours of working in customer service.  &lt;em&gt;I like doing it, but anything for 8 hours a day can become tiring.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Go over the work you have to do at your job.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my personal favorite and I use it whenever someone says that streaming &quot;can't possibly be hard&quot; and &quot;isn't as demanding as &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; work&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Streaming requires you to not only play a game at the best of your ability, but to keep people entertained while doing so.  I always need to find something to talk about and respond to conversations in the chat, while also doing something that requires very good dexterity and hand-eye coordination. (I play a fast paced fighting game.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't believe me after that, I encourage them to stop in during the week and watch me play.  Sometimes people need to really see what you're doing in order to understand how it could be considered &quot;tough&quot; or &quot;demanding&quot;.  In your case, you could sit down with your parents and work through a simpler algorithm with them.  If they get overwhelmed by the simpler one, remind them that you have to go through even harder ones at your work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;easy&quot; part of the programming, in my opinion, is the actual writing of the code, while the hard part would be figuring out what you need to do in order to make that code to work correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T16:12:04.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15810" CreationDate="2018-06-22T17:04:49.100" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I ask for a texting routine? (e.g. every Tuesday and Thursday).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please, don't do it. It's awkward and even if my best friend or my girlfriend would ask me for something like this it would be strange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you are of different towns you still go to the same school, so I suppose that your towns aren't so distant from each other. If you want to know him better then ask to go out after school some day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Considerations after question's edit&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bashfulness&lt;/strong&gt;. I'll be honest, I'm too shy to start and keep a conversation in real life. And that's why I would like to establish a friendship by means of texting. Unfortunately, I lack self-confidence. What if I make a bad impression? I know this is a cowardly behavior, but I don't want to ruin the opportunity of having someone to chat with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm no one to judge you or your shyness. The worst thing that could happen is that you will not end up being friends that it is the same thing that will happen if you'll do nothing. So, in this case, do something is better than nothing. Note that &lt;em&gt;do something&lt;/em&gt; could also be something different than ask him to go out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's too early&lt;/strong&gt;. As I said, we met each other a month ago, and because I helped him with a subject. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel a month is just not enough time to start meeting someone in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe we are of different cultures, maybe you are really very shy, but I don't think that exists something like &lt;em&gt;too early&lt;/em&gt; in this case. You could start meeting someone even from the first day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He has a life&lt;/strong&gt;. I really would like to meet in person, but sadly he may not because summer vacation has just started and he will want to meet his friends, date with his girlfriend, apply for a job... I don't want to be a nuisance. So that means for example that he maybe won't want to go to my town. I wouldn't mind to go to his town, though. But still, I'm afraid of being a pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, he has a life, and in life we build friendships, relations and so on. We didn't born with them. We know new people from time to time. Asking to go out one time doesn't mean that he has to neglect his friends, girlfriend or job. It's good that you don't want to be a nuisance but you aren't just asking to go out from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Distance&lt;/strong&gt;. Yes, we go to the same school, but it's not mandatory like Secondary education. It's hard to explain because our education system is different. Anyway, there's a distance of 62 Km (38.53 miles) between out towns, and the only ways to go to his town would be: by car (which is impossible since I don't own a driver's license) or by train (which is affordable, but the train station is far from his town).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot give you an answer to this point. I don't know your education system nor how realistic is for you to move to his hometown. My idea was that since you go to school in the same town you could go out in that city or with the excuse of an event (something relative to some interest that you share) in yours or his city you could ask him to go together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17775" LastEditorUserId="17775" LastEditDate="2018-06-28T10:04:53.967" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T10:04:53.967" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15842" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15812" CreationDate="2018-06-22T17:32:07.597" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why judge your friend instead of actually being her friend?&#xA;Everyone is different and her behavior does not make your life hard. Don't answer as regularly and you can set the tone for how many messages you trade during the day. You can, as multiple people suggested, talk to her about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving up without trying is a bit like what you are accusing her of doing with her life. Be there for her. Plus she is 21, she's a kid, let her grow at her own pace. Love, Respect, Understanding and Patience are some of the key factors that create and most importantly maintain friendships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I Wish you the best! Think about this carefully. No need to lose a close friend when you don't have to. Maybe one day you will need a shoulder and her's(since as you said she is a good person) might just be the one that is there for you. Treasure it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18899" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T17:38:59.273" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T17:38:59.273" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15813" CreationDate="2018-06-22T17:52:26.557" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;How I see it, this is a typical &quot;give a man a fish vs. teach him how to fish&quot; situation. You just gave your relative a fish. Stop doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your relative shows a behavior typical to addicts - drug addicts, shopping addicts, gambling addicts, maybe they are addicted to this cult/sect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ideal thing would be for them to admit to themselves that they have a problem and need help. You prevented / delayed that insight by delaying the point where they cannot keep going on like before - the day of legal consequences. Unfortunately, most people with addictions or compulsive behavior have to hit this very painful point of no going on before they accept any healp - &lt;em&gt;real help&lt;/em&gt;. (As you correctly recognized, monetary help does not help this person at all)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until the big day of self-recognition comes, you can do the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Under no circumstances, except to prevent them starving, loan any money to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do nothing that will deteriorate their friendships or relationships with people and family like outing their financial situation in social media. Socially isolating addicts will most likely worsen their situation. If they cannot turn to a friend in a dire situation, they will turn to false friends or shady people. If they feel all alone and worthless, they might add depression to their list of problems.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them that you support them however you can except giving money. Repeat it regularily. Include the parents and maybe their best friends in your little support group. Make sure they are &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; aware that there are people who still love them. Give them the feeling they are still part of the family, even in their current situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try finding professional help for them like a lawyer or a financial consultant. Strongly and insistently advice them to accept, but keep in mind that you cannot force them. Use professional help in their stead to learn of ways to prevent the situation from getting worse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phrase your advice of professional help in a positive manner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;S/He can help you have a better life without all those people constantly pestering you about your dept.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Imagine how free you will feel without this burden on your shoulders.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  It's not a shame seeking help. Its proof that you are strong-willed enough to dig yourself out of this mess instead of ignoring the problem.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You are not alone in this, we will help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether or not you try contacting the people your relative has loaned money from is your own decision. I cannot give you any advice in good conscience on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you both the best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T17:52:26.557" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15845" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-06-22T18:23:03.863" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T18:23:03.863" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T18:23:03.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15846" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-06-22T18:23:03.863" Score="0" Body="Questions involving unspoken communication like gestures, body language, or other non-verbal signals." OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T18:23:03.863" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T18:23:03.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15784" CreationDate="2018-06-22T23:15:16.690" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people are problem-solvers.  If you tell them a problem you're having, they automatically jump into &quot;let's try to fix this&quot; mode.  People with this mindset oftentimes don't realize that the person talking to them is looking for compassion rather than a solution.  (source: I am this sort of person, and it took me a really long time to realize this).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know that you want to vent about some problem in your life to a person like this for a few minutes and that you want their response to be &quot;that sounds really tough, I'm sorry for you&quot; rather than &quot;this is how you could fix this,&quot; it's okay to ask for that up front.  What if the next time you talk to this parent you &lt;em&gt;started&lt;/em&gt; with something like this: &quot;I'm not looking for solutions right now, I'd just really like to vent for a few minutes.  Can you just listen and then commiserate?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person you're talking to cares about you, they're just a problem-solver so it doesn't always occur to them that conversations have other purposes, then this reminder should help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this parent also criticizes and is overly negative.  They might not respect this request even if you make it at the beginning.  In this case, is there someone else you can vent to or discuss difficult life stuff with?  Friends, other family members, partner, therapist, online community?  This particular parent is probably not the right person for you to have these sorts of conversations with.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not suggesting cutting the parent out (as you mention, you can't do this), I'm suggesting changing the type of conversations you have with them and getting your emotional support elsewhere.  Talk to them about the local sports team, or a TV show you both watch, or something that really interests them.  This should help keep up a workable relationship with them without having to rely on this person for emotional or deep conversations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are issues in your life that this person already knows about it's okay to really dial down how many details you're giving them.  You're allowed to only volunteer positive milestone or nothing at all.  If they ask for details, non-answers are fine, &quot;that's still in progress + subject change,&quot; or &quot;I'm still thinking about it + subject change.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because this person is helping you with childcare, I'm sure some more important conversations will inevitably come up surrounding the child, parenting, etc.  Hopefully if you decrease the other bad conversations you're having, you'll have more energy for these ones, but there are still good tactics.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With negativity and criticism, it's okay to return it back to them with something like: &quot;Wow.  Why would you suggest that?&quot; or &quot;that sounds like the worst of many possible options, all of which are more likely.&quot;  Keeping tone of voice even and stating things like dry facts, or even going for a light-hearted jokey tone (depending on the person) helps statements like these not to be the start of &quot;why are you attacking me?&quot; responses.  For criticism that's actually unsolicited advice, there is always &quot;That's interesting.  I'll think about it.&quot;  You've acknowledged their input, but given them nothing back to work with to further an argument or advice-giving session.  This is also something that's easy to repeat like a broken record.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it sad if you are not getting emotional support from a parent? Yes. Is continuing to try to get support from someone who actively makes you unhappy healthy? Probably not.  It can be difficult to reconcile our idea of what a parent should be with the parents we sometimes have, but it can also be liberating to realize that you're not the one who's causing a problem in this relationship.  It's not on you to make the parent-child relationship work by continually sacrificing your piece of mind to their negativity, criticism, and disrespect of boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17655" LastEditorUserId="17655" LastEditDate="2018-06-22T23:22:28.523" LastActivityDate="2018-06-22T23:22:28.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15850" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-23T06:39:28.140" Score="5" ViewCount="975" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tend to get stressed during job interviews. Nothing out of normal I guess, but I've received feedback from interviewers that I seemed quite reserved and they didn't like it. It was a justification of why they didn't want to hire me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The field I apply for is full of very self-confident, even arrogant, and extroverted people, who can sell themselves very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do smile, try to speak with confidence and keep the eye contact. But of course I don't feel as relaxed and self-confident as during e.g. social occasions, so I don't &quot;crack jokes&quot;, although I always try to do some smalltalk (&quot;So I've been told the company restaurant is very good&quot;, &quot;How long have you been with the company?&quot;, etc.). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Job interviews in my field frequently include tests and brainteasers, where you need to focus, which is another reason why I find it difficult to relax - I find it difficult to be totally relaxed and solve maths puzzles at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I change it? How can I come across as less reserved and more relaxed in job interviews?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not an intrapersonal problem. I'm not asking how to get more relaxed or less reserved. I'm asking how to make an impression of being so in a very specific context of a job interview.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I can't add comments, so let me answer them here. I'm not a very reserved person generally. I'm definitely self-confident and in some situations even chatty, although I'm not as extroverted as many people in the industry. In group discussions I'm normally the most active or one of the most active participants. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could mention here that working in another company in the same industry before I did know a lot of more introverted managers and senior managers. Some of them were extremely introverted even to me. It's just that now, during job interviews I tend to meet people to expect me to dance and joke around a second after meeting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When going to job interviews I need to mind what I'm saying and the culture of interviewing is quite confrontational in my country. You get negative feedback expressed very directly. You also need to take many tests. I find it difficult to be chatty and smily and &quot;bubbly&quot; under these conditions. I always tell myself upfront that I should behave like that, but then I come in and even the interviewers themselves mostly aren't like this. They are negative. They use stress interview techniques. I manage to remain calm but these aren't conditions that make me relaxed and chatty. I've received the negative feedback already twice or trice, so I would like to change it. (To be accurate, I also received the opposite feedback - that I would be a good culture fit and passed &quot;the airport test&quot; with flying colors&quot; twice or twice, but it's the negative feedback that sticks. It was always expressed very negatively like &quot;I can't imagine you ever working in our industry&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some thinking I suppose it might also have to do with my hitherto experiences as an employee. I've already had two jobs where I was super enthusiastic and engaged at the beginning but where I was criticised, punished and at one of them mobbed for my professional input, being proactive and sharing thoughts. This made me feel quite uncertain in work-related situations, which can result in my appearing reserved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18701" LastEditorUserId="18701" LastEditDate="2018-06-24T05:47:24.857" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T14:35:16.187" Title="How to appear more relaxed and less reserved during job interviews?" Tags="&lt;first-impressions&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15852" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-23T12:25:42.483" Score="1" ViewCount="408" Body="&lt;p&gt;Apologies if it's a silly question but I am from a different country and therefore culture and so would be keen to learn about British gifts etiquette if there is one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular, a nice middle-class guy living on our street kindly invited his neighbours, including my wife and I, to celebrate his 60th birthday. What is a typical budget in such situations? And what sort of gift would be the best option?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18652" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-24T12:59:42.120" LastActivityDate="2018-06-25T08:26:46.170" Title="What is the typical expectation for a gift to a male neighbour on his 60th birthday?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-06-25T12:06:42.433" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5481" CreationDate="2018-06-23T14:15:57.687" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently had an interview at a company, which is very sensible for the topic autism at work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And not understanding work assignments correctly if not specific enough given is a problem they are very aware of from their aspie employees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He told me about the tools he developed to get along with it, to see if I could make use of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And one of them was just something I literally fell in love with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the tools he mentioned, was making not just TO DO lists for work assignments, but also making NOT TO DO lists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also mentioned, that he has not had an aspie in his teams before, but he figured this system is also helping his developers not being affected by autism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that this solution is something thats not easy to learn for an superior who is not open for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my OP requirement of my self being able to bring that system into the position isnt fulffiled by this answer since it requires effort of the person supervising me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But still I find this brilliant enough to be worth a answer on its own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="32" LastEditDate="2018-06-23T14:21:53.573" LastActivityDate="2018-06-23T14:21:53.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15854" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-23T14:46:56.323" Score="1" ViewCount="632" Body="&lt;h1&gt;My friend and business partner&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My business partner is very good at computer programming, and pretty bad at speaking in English.  When he writes, he is clear.  But real-time natural English is a problem.  How can we run a business together, avoid conflicts in our friendship, and persuade each other of things?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me give you an example to make this concrete.  Yesterday he came to me and said &quot;we're not working hard enough on this software.&quot;  But he is interning over the summer to fulfill his student visa status; so really he is the one not working hard enough.  He wants me to work at night, which is when he is off his internship.  But I work best in the morning, and also generally alone.  We're both learning to work together, so I don't fault him for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was not offended when asked to &quot;work harder,&quot; but I think he overstepped his request a bit in the sense that so far, I've written most of the software and fleshed out the business ideas&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, he has a hard time assessing how he comes off in English (Hindi is his first language) and he has a lot of trouble being clear and concise.  It doesn't help that he's a very good programmer, which has made him somewhat arrogant so he doesn't really listen either.  I've always thought a good talker has to be a good listener to speak clearly and concisely&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I help him with basic proficiency so our business doesn't fail?  I know many startups have a hard time&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any other input from: &lt;strong&gt;A)&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ESL&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;ESL&lt;/a&gt; people or &lt;strong&gt;B)&lt;/strong&gt; people with lots of ESL friends is appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Me:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother was born in China, so I am familiar with the situation, but often even with her after knowing her for over 20 years, it can be hard to understand why she does things, and it's hard for her to understand my American customs, although she's lived here longer than I have&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18739" LastEditorUserId="13736" LastEditDate="2018-06-25T09:04:51.070" LastActivityDate="2018-06-25T18:01:23.163" Title="How to clearly understand and be understood by a friend who speaks English as a second language" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15730" CreationDate="2018-06-23T14:53:46.237" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had this problem &lt;em&gt;once&lt;/em&gt;. Not a mental problem, but a very painful ear infection for three days, followed by three days in the other ear. I couldn't stand anyone near me. I just wanted to be left alone until the pain goes away. Shouted at my wife to leave me alone, and fortunately she had the wisdom to do so. No lasting damage was done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart from the fact that you should try to do something about your mood swings, tell at least your wife that you have these deep lows where you need to be left alone, and any attempt to cheer you up doesn't actually help, but makes things worse for you. If you are in this state and she tries to cheer you up, tell your the same thing again until she gets it. Maybe she had it drilled into her that if someone is in a bad mood it is her responsibility to cheer them up, but it's not the right thing obviously in your case, so you need to make her realise this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the kids, I'd make a large &quot;Do Not Disturb&quot; sign. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-06-23T14:53:46.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15856" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-23T18:47:21.357" Score="2" ViewCount="920" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem is that she always use a taunt to hurt my feelings and self esteem.&#xA;There are two situation every time when I interact with my mother. Either negative or positive, there has never been a state in between which we can say a normal conversation or interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About my family&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family has a stressed and unsuccessful type of environment. My father was not successful financially and is no more in this world now (RIP in 2012). Above me there are 2 brothers and a sister, she and one brother is married. I'm the youngest and the age difference between me and the second youngest brother is about 14 years, I'm 19 though. Both my brothers and my sister had a divorced in there first marriage and this I'm telling you because you can figure out the kind of family I'm living with. Unorganized and lazy, mostly negative. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lets come to the problem,&lt;/strong&gt; When ever I'm doing any kind of interaction with my mother she always reply in a way that is painful to accept from a mother, we can ignore friends but we can not ignore or neglect mother because at the end of the day I have to stay at home to relax.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An example.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Friday morning I woke up 10 AM and told my mother that I'm going for movie with my friends, she said okay because there were other relatives in my home.&#xA;When I returned from there 4 PM I sat on the sofa in the hall scrolling though my social media feed, and my relative asked - &quot;Son, have you had lunch?&quot;&#xA;I said -&quot;No, whats being made?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My mother said -&quot;Malls doesn't have lunch facility in there?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Another example&lt;/strong&gt; is when some times I asked my mother for some favor and she reply in an unwilling tone, I got frustrated and argued then &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She taunt -&quot;What if your work colleagues know your real personality?  They will not give a bit of respect.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[I work at a part time job in an NGO with my college to earn some money.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are just minor examples. She used to this with my elder brother also. It seems like she can not see anyone succeeding in there life. When ever I achieve something in life, I'm afraid of telling it to my mother because I know she will taunt it someday. If I share any emotion of mine with her she taunt it too in any argument. I don't want to stay with my family, but until my college ends (3 years remaining) I have no choice. Please suggest something? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18763" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-25T11:35:13.137" LastActivityDate="2018-06-25T11:35:13.137" Title="My mother taunt me everytime she wants oppose my opinion" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-06-25T00:22:33.480" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15724" CreationDate="2018-06-24T01:03:13.930" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You asked two questions, many people answered the second one in the text and there is plenty of good suggestions. For the first one in your title: you just do. Act normally with your friends and decide with them when and how to meet and what to do. If their wives feel threatened, when there really isn't a good reason, than it's more their problem than yours and on the amount of trust they place on their husbands and what kind of boundaries they have in the relationship. Let your male friend negotiate what is and isn't appropriate in their marriage and follow their lead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9151" LastActivityDate="2018-06-24T01:03:13.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-24T07:51:40.283" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Such answers are always very dependent on the personality of the parent.  However, one of your quotes suggested to me something that might be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But it's easy for you to do computer things because you're good at them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a famous Albert Einstein quote: &quot;Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics.  I can assure you mine are still greater.&quot;  Jobs have a tendency to fill whatever talent you have.  If you're good at IT, the IT problems you tackle are harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also reminds me of a quote about Tiger Woods.  Sadly I heard it third hand, so hopefully it is accurate.  Tiger had completed a very nice chip, and that won him the tournament.  The news casters apparently downplayed the shot, saying that's the kind of thing you expect from a master.  Tiger pointed out to them that that was actually a very difficult shot for him, and that he practiced it regularly, trying to get better.  Now whether I rendered that scene correctly or not, it's the sort of event that reminds us that even when we are good at something, there's always one aspect of it that's tough.  That aspect takes work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if your father does humor:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/IC4GS.png&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/IC4GS.png&quot; alt=&quot;XKCD 722&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-06-24T07:51:40.283" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-24T09:16:14.503" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's odd that nobody has said this yet, but:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are now an adult. Living with your parents aside, you don't need their approval in everything you do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know you work hard, and if anything your father may be jealous that you have a line into a better career than he ever did.  Do you make more money than him, per hour, without even a college degree? While living with them? This might fuel a little jealousy. Just be understanding of the situation and do your best to be polite about all of it. Your parents have worked hard to give you the basis to do better than they did, so appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Elaborating on this with personal experience:&#xA;When I dropped out of college to become a software developer at 20, my starting salary was higher than my Mother's; she had a new law degree and strong accounting background.  People in IT tend to have high values early that can asymptotically drift toward a normal for their age and education, especially in the current economic climate where they're slightly (possibly drastically) overvalued.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandfather was a farmer and dentist.  He wondered at me in my twenties that a young man six inches taller than him spent his time typing for a living.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice breaks into two pieces.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be an adult, and take responsibility for your choices and needs.  If you need sleep, sleep and be okay with your family teasing you about it.  You may be self conscious about making the right decisions here, because they don't really understand them, but sleep management will serve you well for the rest of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Remember that you're lucky to have them helping you get a step up in life, and don't be a jerk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been downvoted, apparently for not having specific language to use, but your attitude about dealing with them will be far more important than anything specific you can say. Remember that your parents are people, too, and you may look lazy and overpaid to them for decades to come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, if you work hard you probably will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19184" LastEditorUserId="19184" LastEditDate="2018-06-24T10:44:30.973" LastActivityDate="2018-06-24T10:44:30.973" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15856" CreationDate="2018-06-24T16:00:04.013" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You see what you are looking for.&#xA;I see your mother desiring you have a different approach.&#xA;You see it as a taunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot change your mothers approach unless you change yours.&#xA;So come back with something that shows a positive response to the situation.&#xA;So finding lunch in the mall, would be &quot;I looked but everything was too&#xA;expensive on my budget.&quot;  Can I help you make food tonight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expecting parents to always deliver support, is an easy trap to fall into.&#xA;Appreciating their love and support, goes a long way to making up for this&#xA;dependency.  My daughter has needed lifts around London a lot.  It might&#xA;take a few hours for me, but it is only a temporary thing, and we spend&#xA;time together, which is good for both of us, and I am helping her.  In &#xA;return she is aware of my sacrifice, and I could choose to do other things.&#xA;This helps both parties, and is not expected.  As a teenager I know how&#xA;much this would have helped me if my dad had been able to do this for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respect needs to go both ways, but it always starts with ourselves &#xA;respecting the other party and not taking them for granted.  How one shows&#xA;this through what you say is the first step.  You will be surprised at &#xA;how things change with just a few chosen words and sincere appreciation&#xA;expressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-06-24T16:00:04.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15852" CreationDate="2018-06-24T16:06:44.437" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not a silly question.&#xA;Most british people would not expect anything other than a bottle of wine maybe, and a card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something of around £20 if it fits the personality of the person, will also work but for a neighbour this would almost be impossible to gauge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A safe answer is to talk to their wife, and find out the kind of things that might fit. Some people have a birthday list etc. and some simply do not want anything, because they have everything they need and do not want to hassle of people choosing and failing to find things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few weeks ago we went to a friends 60th who specifically did not want anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-06-25T08:26:46.170" LastActivityDate="2018-06-25T08:26:46.170" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15854" CreationDate="2018-06-24T21:17:55.910" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's easy to communicate with people who are good communicators.  It's harder when they're not.  In that situation you make up for their ineptness with your adeptness.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're a leader of a business.  You need /amazing/ communication skills.  Improving your communication skills for this employee will benefit you in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we're not working hard enough on this software&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is that all he said?  That's ambiguous to me.  Did you ask for clarification?  Maybe he didn't mean what you interpreted.  Also, maybe he's thinking of something you're not.  You could have a blind spot, for example. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I work best...alone&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did I understand that correctly?  I'll assume you're highly accomplished.  Perhaps you found others to be unreliable.  So you relied on yourself.  (&quot;If you want something done right, do it yourself.&quot;)  You're a leader, now.  If you've relied on yourself in the past, you need to change.  You will lead a team of people to be highly accomplished.  Relying on others is completely different than relying on yourself.  You will need to get better at relying on others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It doesn't help that he's a very good programmer, which has made him somewhat arrogant so he doesn't really listen either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people feel misunderstood they are less likely to listen to you.  What if he understands all sorts of things you don't?  And maybe he gets frustrated that you don't listen to him?  So he doesn't listen to you.  You have to make the first move.  Listen to him.  Try to understand him.  Keep changing your approach until you understand him.  You'll grow.  Once you get better at understanding him, you will relay your ideas to him in a way he can understand.  Then he'll &quot;listen&quot; more.  (Really you were the one who changed.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;he has a hard time assessing how he comes off in English...How can I help him with basic proficiency so our business doesn't fail?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give him opportunities to practice.  For example, have conversations with him.  Ask questions until you are certain you understand.  Even if you're pretty sure you know what he means, ask.  Currently he relies on people inferring what he means.  Asking questions will force him to be clear.  He will likely get frustrated at having to explain himself.  So he will improve his explanations.  (Initially, he'll probably rely on verbosity to be clear.  He'll get frustrated at the time it takes to be verbose.  He'll want to save time.  So he'll get more concise after he gets clear.)  By focusing on your understanding, he will naturally assess how he comes off better.  Similarly, put him in situations where he has to talk to other people.  Don't communicate for him.  Then he will have to learn how to adapt to other people.  If he's not in a situation where he has to get better, he probably won't.  Especially if he has no desire.  (Putting him in the situation will give him the desire.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't blame the business failing on his communication.  Accept responsibility for your contributions.  You're not in control of him.  You're in control of you.  Focus more on how you can change.  Moving forward as a leader, you're going to be mostly changing yourself, not others.   Good luck!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16858" LastEditorDisplayName="user16858" LastEditDate="2018-06-25T18:01:23.163" LastActivityDate="2018-06-25T18:01:23.163" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15854" CreationDate="2018-06-25T10:09:24.740" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I help him with basic proficiency so our business doesn't fail?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As ESL myself: Practice and give feedback regularly. It´s the only way to improve up from a certain point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should inform him that he as a problem with tone and precision in his language. Agree that you will correct him whenever you notice something. This will set an framework in which you can criticize him easily without having to explain every time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also: Watching English Films and participating in English forum such as here will help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;OT edit as per comments: I think you really need to work at some other issues, as your problems, in part seem to arise out of a different understanding of your partnership rather than the English language. Having bee to 3 startup-situations: Please get a clear written memorandum of understanding (at least) where you list what everyone does and what everyone gets.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-06-25T17:34:25.397" LastActivityDate="2018-06-25T17:34:25.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15868" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-25T11:14:21.993" Score="11" ViewCount="3225" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend's family likes to take trips together and my girlfriend always goes with them. The problem is that they often want to include me and I'd rather not go. They cover all costs and are actually really nice about it and I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I simply do not enjoy these vacations. I also don't like the indebted feeling afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think her parents' main reason for including me is that they want me and my girlfriend to have a vacation, so one solution might be to plan a vacation ourselves for just the two of us, but we can't quite afford that yet (going on a small vacation doesn't seem to count). Another solution is to come up with an excuse, which sometimes works, but I'm a bit limited, because I don't want to lie and invent obligations. They also sometimes plan way ahead and reserve and pay everything (for me included!) and ask me not to be busy at that time. I can't really decline if it's all already paid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm usually invited via my girlfriend (she acts as the messenger for these things, they're kind of shy of calling me), I need to ask them to invite me personally in the future, but I haven't done so yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents advise me to go (maybe unrelated, but I rarely go anywhere with my own parents). My girlfriend thinks declining is disrespectful as she holds her parents' will sacred. While on vacation, she also doesn't like to go too far from her family for the same reason - she believes she needs to be close at all times or it's not family time. Her parents don't like taking no for an answer, so it's going to be difficult, but I think I'll just try to ask them not to invite me again, but thank them regardless, while returning from their next vacation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any kind of answer is appreciated, even advising me how to convince myself to enjoy the vacations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;To answer the comments&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trips they take mainly consist of going somewhere hot (like Spain) and not doing much of anything. To be honest I can enjoy a similar kind of trip in different company and a shorter duration. The main reason I dislike the vacations is that I find them a bore and a waste of my time (which is not ample). I'd rather spend my free time differently, like going on a smaller vacation with my girlfriend. The secondary reason is that I find her siblings insufferable (sorry if I sound too negative, they'll probably grow out of it, but as it is, they're really spoiled).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're all Czech. My girlfriend and I live together and we visit both sets of our parents fairly often. We have been together for four years and we're both 24. Her siblings are 19 and 15.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19200" LastEditorUserId="19200" LastEditDate="2018-06-25T16:17:23.830" LastActivityDate="2018-06-27T07:39:18.893" Title="How to stop being invited to girlfriend's family vacations?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;in-laws&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15869" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15868" CreationDate="2018-06-25T12:33:46.650" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in relationships where the parents of the SO are overly enthusiastic about including me in their outings or vacations. An important thing to remember is that they might be using this for their benefit as much your own. Their daughter is an important part of their lives, you are an important part their daughter's life, but they might not know &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; nearly as much as they want. If your goal is to try to avoid being invited, there are a couple of things you could do that doesn't put your relationship in jeopardy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You might not like this but my first suggestion is to indulge them, but not entirely. I was once invited to an exotic country for a wedding and most of the guests were going for two weeks. Since I don't do well in hot weather, I knew it was somewhere I wouldn't enjoy, so I offered to fly over for the wedding and for a few days afterwards (though I never explicitly told them why). They didn't enquire too much as to why I only came for a few days, but they likely concluded it was due to cost or work obligations. People have personal preferences for where they go on holiday, it should not offend anyone and it is commonplace for people, even a long-term partner, to feel indebted to a partner's relative. Make it clear your decision has nothing to do with the people involved, just the time and destination. Offer them a middle ground and they will hopefully respect the effort you do put into it and not press you for more.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another approach would be to make the 'in-laws' more aware of what you are doing in your day-to-day life, what you like and dislike. During your normal conversations with them, you can bring up in passing the types of places you would like to visit and the places you would avoid. Help them realise before they even book the flights that they know (or could conclude) that it's a destination you would not enjoy. Again, make it less about the family and more about the destination. Also in making your 'in-laws' more aware of what you're up to over the course of time, they are less likely to simply assume that you are free for a vacation. Or at least, they may change from dragging you along to offering a suggestion first. If you are not going on vacations yourself, they may be assuming your schedule is largely open; help them see that it's not and it may make them less forceful about inviting you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;There is a risk with my previous suggestion that they will not back down &lt;em&gt;(which may speak to a deeper problem)&lt;/em&gt;, but if they are determined to plan a vacation with you - or if you think one is looming - take some initiative. Are there places where &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; would want to go if you had the time and resources, or maybe places where the whole family need not spend all their time together? Make them more aware of what would make a good vacation for you. Perhaps a cheaper/closer destination would help you feel less indebted to them? It may eventually help them realise that you personally are not keen on any vacations in the near future (and therefore vacations provided by them).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like in your situation, there isn't much that can be done to get out of vacations without offending your girlfriend and/or the parents, but hopefully these suggestions will help you through them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-06-25T12:33:46.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15874" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15850" CreationDate="2018-06-25T15:33:42.990" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in the software industry, where interviews almost always include &quot;Here is a coding / algorithms problem, now solve it in front of me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At an interview a couple years ago, I was in a waiting area calming my nerves and thinking I was doing a good job of seeming chill - then the interviewer arrived and told me not to be so tense and relax!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This year, I interviewed at a company notorious for difficult interviews, was again quite nervous beforehand - but no comments this time, felt like I got along well with the interviewers, and got the job! So I've been there, and I like to think I've learned a few things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll skip the usual &quot;study and practice&quot; tips as that's not an &lt;em&gt;interpersonal&lt;/em&gt; skill ;) (But don't skip it IRL - it's easier to act cool and confident when you really are!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The interpersonal things I improved included...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Body language&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a big one! When people are relaxed and comfortable, they tend to use more sweeping, expressive motions which are &quot;loose&quot; rather than &quot;tight&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before, I had been keeping my arms close to my body, using controlled motions only when necessary. When writing a problem, I would stand in one spot next to my work, mostly looking at my work and trying not to show if I was confused or unsure. I kept my hands together and fidgeted when not using them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I am more comfortable with wider motions and don't immediately return my arms to my sides after reaching to write something. When working on a problem, I took a stance or leaned on a chair, and made a puzzled face when I was puzzled. I took steps back from the board and used more space. I kept my arms loose at my sides or rested on the furniture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you practice with a friend, ask for feedback and/or consider recording yourself and playing it back so you can observe areas for improvement. This would also help identify if you're talking too fast or mumbling, another giveaway of nervousness. Eye contact is very important as well, as you mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mirroring&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to pick up on social cues from the interviewer and reflect their gestures and energy level. Although &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/63/what-impact-does-mirroring-have-on-other-people&quot;&gt;some question the effectiveness&lt;/a&gt;, I find that the interviewer's gestures and attitude do give a good guideline for the sort of behavior that they would consider a &quot;good fit&quot; (and as a naturally reserved person I'm not really at risk of taking it too far).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't match them motion for motion, but observe things like how they are sitting in their chair, or the type of vocabulary they use, and adjust your behavior to a similar level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Treating the interviewing relationship as if they were a collaborator, rather than a teacher or an adversary&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I first started looking for jobs, I always did much better when practicing with a friend than the real interview. There's several obvious reasons for this, but I noticed that because I felt comfortable with the friend, I would&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;brainstorm out loud&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;ask more questions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;display a little personality, via both body language/facial expressions and chatting&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing that in the real interviews made the atmosphere feel more friendly and open. Remember part of the interview is to decide if you can see yourself working with them, not just the other way around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the interviewer acts hostile or gives you negative feedback, don't let it get to you. Smile and accept, reframe it as them being helpful in identifying an issue, and respond accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Faking extroversion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am very much an introvert and struggle with social anxiety on top of that. Interviews are very stressful and draining! However, with practice I can put on a convincing show for a few hours. Besides the things mentioned above:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Share interview-appropriate stories. These don't have to be very personal, just something that you can show interest in and carry on a short conversation about. You can prepare these beforehand so it sounds natural (taking cues from the great orator, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/winston_churchill_156903&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Winston Churchill&lt;/a&gt;). Even something as bland as &quot;Wow, traffic this morning was horrendous&quot; - &quot;I know, right?!&quot; helps to break the ice and build a rapport.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't let the interviewer monologue while you sit taking notes and nodding. If you can relate something the interviewer mentions to something in your experience, share it! At the least, make sure you look engaged: eye contact, listening noises (&quot;ah&quot;, &quot;mhm!&quot;), leaning slightly towards them, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T14:35:16.187" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T14:35:16.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15730" CreationDate="2018-06-25T17:19:47.350" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;One downside of our society's increased friendliness and openness is the inability to interact politely with someone you do not like or at least do not wish to engage with. Ways of doing this are no longer taught and are rarely used. You can consult Miss Manners, as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I may find myself in similar moods at times and have learned to tell people, &quot;Please excuse me.&quot; and make motions to leave. If I wish to talk to someone alone and get joined by another (&quot;What's goin' on?!&quot;) I say, &quot;Please excuse us.&quot; They may appear hurt but eventually get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always come back later to them and thank them for their compliance without offering a complete explanation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19208" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-25T17:52:15.930" LastActivityDate="2018-06-25T17:52:15.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15850" CreationDate="2018-06-25T22:27:06.157" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I too struggle with this during job interviews.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm quite introverted (9th percentile for introversion). But I also wouldn't exactly call myself shy. If anything, I would say that I am definitely more reserved than most, in that I don't like sharing personal details about my life to anyone, even close friends. This can be quite a barrier in some instances, particularly job interviews, as when asked about my personal life, I can get quite nervous and unsure how to answer (I work in IT though so usually this isn't a huge sticking point for most hiring managers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I interviewed for the job I currently hold about 5-6 months ago. I was very aware of these shortcomings of mine and as such, prepared some responses to questions I knew they were going to ask. Because I knew more or less what they were going to ask, I didn't have to divulge any information I wasn't comfortable with, and remained relaxed and focused throughout the interview.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to &lt;em&gt;appearing&lt;/em&gt; more confident, this is more of a skill that needs to be practiced. I think it should be fairly common knowledge what &quot;confidence&quot; looks like. Eye contact, firm handshake, sit up straight, no mumbling, speak from the chest and not from the head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, when speaking, &lt;strong&gt;don't use&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;uhms, ahs, uh's, errm's&lt;/em&gt; etc... Just leave a pause there. The pause makes you seem relaxed and contemplative, while the &lt;em&gt;uhm's&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;ah's&lt;/em&gt; make you seem nervous and unsure. Don't be afraid to take a moment to collect your thoughts before answering a question. This cuts down on the need for pauses and/or the aforementioned &lt;em&gt;uhm's&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;ah's&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing to note, the Interviewing Manager sets the tone for the interview. If the interviewer is stern and serious, you should appear focused and to-the-point. Make them feel as if you know that their time is important and you don't want to waste their time with unrelated chatter. People like people who are like them, so by matching their tone, you make &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; more comfortable with you as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, if the interviewer is chatty and enthusiastic, match that with your own enthusiasm. Crack a joke or two, smile a lot, and ask questions about the company that display that you would be an enjoyable person to work with. The point is, read the interviewers demeanor and match it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I like to imagine it is like, I'm a Customer Service Rep, and the interviewer is the customer. It's my job to make them feel as comfortable with me as possible so that they want to buy my product (in this case the product is my labour).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though, this answer applies mostly to North America. However, I can't imagine things being much different in Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19115" LastEditorUserId="13034" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T06:04:35.737" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T06:04:35.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15850" CreationDate="2018-06-26T01:25:22.067" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whenever you encounter a question that you don't mind answering, misunderstand it as a compliment and change the meaning of it. I want to illustrate this in a situation where we suppose you're a computer programmer and you're interviewing to get a Full-Time job in Microsoft :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello Mr X! We're pleased to have you here. Would you mind working with a group of novice programmers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your answer may be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Novice ones? Novice ones on asking stupid questions occasionally on different situations? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It baffles interviewer and he/she will be trying to get the meaning of it.&#xA;Whenever possible, try to avoid questions (as the following one) by changing the subject:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you ever been in a relevant interview before?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've got to answer this in a smart way, &lt;strong&gt;but&lt;/strong&gt; try not to be so impressed with your answers on this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, I've been and many of those interviews were interested to get my attention as they've tried and failed with their smart and funny questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to keep in a track and go on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also be in a role of mirror. Try to mirror the interviewer with all of your possible ability as much as you can do. All of us when we were younger as kids,  we were trying to build rapport with other kids around us, we were happy to get their full attentions and play with them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may have them in their fully smile faces or crying ones. It is all on you and your creativity of creating fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16296" LastEditorUserId="13034" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T05:45:39.653" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T05:45:39.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-26T04:49:44.740" Score="0" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Bring-your-parent-to-work Day&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I convey to them that my IT job is mentally draining&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take either or both of them with you to work. Explain that you like them to see what their son/daughter actually does. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They do it on the condition they stay with you focused, not knitting/reading/etc. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You do it on the condition that you remain calm, positive, and patiently explain the technicalities of the work at hand, inventing some metaphors &amp;amp; similes to communicate well. No bragging, no criticizing, just sharing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain to them step-by-step what you are working on. When their attention wanders, bring them back to focus. If you have any meetings, see if they can tag along to silently observe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most IT sites I've known would likely tolerate such a visit, with some workmates that would likely get a kick out of it. I've met a few co-workers’ parents on office visits, though usually shorter and more casual visits than I suggest here. Many places have a formal bring-your-kid-to-work day. Turnabout is fair play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, your folks won’t make it to lunch break. Probably by 10 AM they’ll be high-tailing it out of there. Then, that evening at home, have &#xA;a conversation about what they saw. Explain how mentally demanding your work is, how much focus is needed. Then request that they cease the jokes and remarks about your easy life. Make a deal: If no more remarks from them, then no more visits with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3094" LastEditorUserId="3094" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T05:54:28.303" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T05:54:28.303" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15850" CreationDate="2018-06-26T08:32:47.973" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two things stand out. Firstly you are convinced that you are an introvert and you are too reserved at interviews, and secondly you feel that you are stressed during the interview.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of these feelings may not be real - you can look into yourself and try to discover the reasons why and what to do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could make up for any lack of confidence by really trying hard to discover what your prospective employers are all about - knowing them will make the interviewers more comfortable with you, and you would have useful facts to fall back on if you get stuck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also in fact being reserved or stressed is not an unique feeling. You could have a pre thought out structure for these feelings - like a nice story about yourself and how you interact with others now or in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also what about the job? Are you sure that you have covered the requirements fully and are prepared to show them that you are up to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main comment is that you have got to try to see interviewers as people and not antagonists. Just be very calm, do not get drawn by criticism - just answer these by saying that their remarks are interesting and of note to you. Smile when you feel nervous and do not worry about being attacked - the process will soon be over one way or the other - and you have as much chance as anyone else of success - especially if you are mindful of your perceived shortcomings and are compensating for them. You may also ask your interviewers to explain who they are looking for in the person - then answer them positively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T08:32:47.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3253" CreationDate="2018-06-26T09:21:39.727" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I get my friends and partner to stop texting me random cute/funny pictures/videos/links in a way that ideally won't hurt their feelings too much or cause them to stop reaching out to me in other ways that I like?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Aquire &lt;strong&gt;reasonable&lt;/strong&gt; ammo, like images from this webpage of &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.bigmouthinc.com/categories/weird-wacky/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;stupid novelty toys&lt;/a&gt; or &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&amp;amp;sa=1&amp;amp;ei=4f0xW4HbEYjL8AOa9pWIBQ&amp;amp;q=Bart%20Simpson%20&amp;amp;oq=Bart%20Simpson&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;BS images&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Install an MMS Auto-reply or &lt;a href=&quot;https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=sms_responder.markymark.com.smsairesponder2&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;SMS AI Bot&lt;/a&gt; that sends dull responses.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;At first review your messages frequently to make sure everything is OK, later check your messages every few hours, or twice a day. Teach them that bandwidth is precious, and so is your time. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they have something &lt;strong&gt;important&lt;/strong&gt; you'd enjoy hearing from them, but not cry Wolf calls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T09:21:39.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15886" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-26T12:13:45.407" Score="46" ViewCount="23817" Body="&lt;p&gt;My daughter is turning 4 years old in August. She has been going to preschool since September. Her class is pretty small, with only 6 kids. She's good friends with most of them. She'll be joining them again in the next school year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The school year is coming to an end and she's going to get bored in the summer. It would be great if her classmates could come over to our house and play at some point in the summer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess this is kind of awkward because I don't know her classmates' parents very well and the kids are quite young. I know some might not want to leave such a young kid alone with people they don't know well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask without it being weird? Should I also invite the parent over too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see the parents when I do the pickup and drop off but it's brief. There has been some small talk and some of them even gave me a lift but I haven't spent a lot of time with them. I don't think the other parents know each other very well either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3833" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-06-27T22:31:29.263" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T15:05:32.997" Title="How can I invite my daughter's friends over without being odd?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15886" CreationDate="2018-06-26T12:21:49.490" Score="70" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even though I am located in Germany, this could also be applicable in other locations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make it a get together, maybe a BBQ or something like that.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You invite the parents and their kids. Now you have the opportunity to get to know the parents more so they might trust you in the future. During the time you get to know the parents you might suggest a &quot;play-group&quot; for the kids. This tells everyone that you plan on inviting the kids to a place and have them all play together. Maybe even organize a whatsapp-group or something similar to schedule the play times. Also your daughter can play with the other kids on that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you earned the trust of the parents, then they might not be afraid to leave their kids with you alone. This is the point where you can invite the kids on a regular basis to play with your daughter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can convince the other parents to have the kids play at a different place every time they meet so that the parents can occasionally check on their kids during the time they are at their place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever you daughter wants to play (this should really be started by her, as it could be creepy if you are the one who wants to have the kids around), then you can simply send a short message into the group and see if anyone wants to join.&#xA;Something along the lines should be fine:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey all, my daughter would really like to play with your kids today. Any of your kids want to join her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are lucky, then the other parents might start to host the play-times too and invite your daughter as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think that the parents are not entirely comfortable with their kids being &quot;alone&quot;, you can always invite the parents too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastEditorUserId="6097" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T12:54:34.357" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T12:54:34.357" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15886" CreationDate="2018-06-26T13:38:34.320" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although I do not have any children myself, I have spent many days collecting my niece from her school with the last three years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found that if I arrived 10-15 minutes before school ended, I &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; ended up having a conversation with another parent that is there. I found this extremely beneficial as waiting on your own for your daughter/niece can be quite boring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although maybe me being younger (21 years of age) may have given parents an excuse to come and talk to me picking up my 7 year old niece, I found that most of the time they were just bored waiting also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My niece went to a small country school similar enough to yours with only approximately 8 students in the class and over the course of a year you would be surprised at how close you will grow to some of those parents in the class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice for you would be to, if possible, show up at the school 5-10 minutes earlier and wait at the school gates. If you spot another parent there it's easy to strike up a small talk conversation (the weather in Ireland is fantastic at the moment as you may know) and get to know them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would always suggest inviting the parent over with the child first as it gives both of you the comfort-ability in getting to know each other while your children play together for a while. (I suggest inviting them to your house for a first play-date)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;since you say you have gotten a drive from another parent before, you can use this to your advantage by saying something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey X, thank you so much for the drive the last time i met you, to repay the favour i would love to invite you and your son/daughter to my house for a play-date if you would be interested? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say yes then brilliant and if not then just wait until you can get a bit more comfortable with the parents in the school and try again at a later stage. Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19129" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T13:38:34.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15886" CreationDate="2018-06-26T15:32:49.947" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this answer is relevant for you as probably also in Ireland the holidays will be coming up really soon, but I think the question has relevance throughout the year as my wife and I know a lot of people with kids that have similar thoughts/issues (we're from Austria).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What really helped us getting to know other parents and their kids was to organize a &lt;strong&gt;birthday party&lt;/strong&gt; for our kid - I hope others can benefit from this idea as this may not be a short term solution for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your child's birthday is not coming up anytime soon, you could also do a &quot;kindergarten break&quot; party or something similar...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the important part is: design the invitations together with your kid and write &quot;of course your parents are invited, too&quot;. Write your name and cell phone number on them. This will spark interest in your kid, likely it will want to hand over the invitations personally and other parents will not stand a chance to say no when their child starts talking about it :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option two, I just thought about, also from personal experience: When you pick up your child and ask &quot;so, whom did you play with today?&quot; and he or she darts telling you about it, lead the conversation over to &quot;so, maybe you want him or her to come over and play, ask him or her tomorrow of he or she would like that&quot; - so &quot;put the idea in their heads&quot; so to speak. Likely the other kid will start talking to their parents about it; this sure is also a good foundation for the other answers above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18888" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T16:30:19.667" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T16:30:19.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15868" CreationDate="2018-06-26T15:53:27.877" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;To &quot;stop being invited&quot; you'd probably have to behave extremely rude or find a different girlfriend - obviously not something you want. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have the money (yet) to pay for a holiday only with your girlfriend, you could try to make the best of the situation. Find and suggest a holiday place that has what her parents want, but also has interesting places around it. For example, Tenerife has a surprising number of interesting bits, or Crete. These are places where you can hire a car cheaply and drive around all day sightseeing. And both have lots and lots of beaches and sunshine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get a small car so you don't get lumbered with her siblings :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T15:53:27.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15894" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15895" CreationDate="2018-06-26T16:35:00.690" Score="11" ViewCount="2900" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, I had family and friends over at my house, and I left my computer unlocked, and during the evening, I forgot about it. After some time if my computer is inactive, it goes to sleep. After everyone left, I cleaned up and jumped into bed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This morning I received a phone call from a former colleague, who I need as a reference asking to explain why I sent an e-mail saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think you're really beautiful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming someone from the party accessed some social media profile with her picture and my email.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I'm a lesbian, my colleague knows I don't have an interest in her, and she isn't a lesbian herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her that I didn't write such an e-mail, but I was panicking so wrapped up the conversation and went to G-mail, only to find that not only did this person send e-mails, he or she shut down my account. Now Google wants me to prove my identity with the usual steps. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have my contacts saved privately, so I can easily create a new account and add them (which I'm planning to do).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate social situations to begin with, because I'm largely introverted so issuing this apology is embarrassing. I was hoping that anyone who received an e-mail would think I was hacked, notify me, and let it go. The e-mail was a private home address, &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; used for work of any kind.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I issue an apology to all my contacts explaining what happened and sorry for the inconvenience it may have caused. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the interest of trying here is what I came up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello colleagues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yesterday, I had an unfortunate incident where my e-mail address was&#xA;  used to send  inappropriate emails. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, and&#xA;  I’ve taken  precautionary measures to ensure that this doesn’t happen&#xA;  again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, [ insert name here ]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello colleagues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yesterday, I had an unfortunate incident where someone had unauthorized access to my e-mail address and &#xA;  used it to send  inappropriate emails. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, and&#xA;  I’ve taken  precautionary measures to ensure that this doesn’t happen&#xA;  again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, [ insert name here ]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user19232" LastEditorDisplayName="user19232" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T18:10:04.133" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T20:12:10.567" Title="Issue an apology over inappropriate email" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-06-27T05:43:31.077" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15894" CreationDate="2018-06-26T16:44:03.250" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that your response is professional and appropriate. Look at it this way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is &lt;em&gt;true&lt;/em&gt; that you did not send that email. You are being sincere and truthful about it. If someone chooses to believe that you are lying, there is not much you can do. Simply be honest, and calmly explain the truth (as you did in your draft).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes however, tone can be lost in an email. I do not know how close you are to your email contacts in real life, but depending on the person, you may (or may not) want to give them a call and explain what happened. This may be hard to do it you are introverted, but it may be well worth it if you feel that the person would understand you better that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend doing activities that you enjoy to distract you from this unfortunate mishap if it gives you anxiety. It has helped me in the past. :) Drink some coffee, read a book, or create something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19234" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T16:44:03.250" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15886" CreationDate="2018-06-26T16:56:47.297" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple answer- all playdates at least until age of 6-7, and often older, are necessarily kid+parent. The kids themselves are not comfortable being without their parents, unless they are very familiar with the environment. Inviting and entertaining parents in one's home can be complicated- the intimacy can be too much to start- so a helpful strategy is to pick a park/playground/outdoor space that is convenient, familiar, and safe, email the other families that you are thinking of going with your kid on x date at x times, and your kid would love to see their classmates if any were available. Leave it informal, casual, generous. Consider bringing both adult and kid food items to share. Once there, let the kids lead when it comes to engagement- you are all there for your kids, when they are comfortable, the parents will be comfortable. You all will be fast friends in no time. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17248" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T16:56:47.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15886" CreationDate="2018-06-26T17:04:27.077" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in pretty much the same situation (same ages too). My daughter was always asking at pick-up if one of her friends (and later several) could come over to her house, and so I mentioned it to her friend's parents when I saw them, and after several times of missing each other's schedules we made it work. The framing of &quot;[my daughter's name] has been asking if [their daughter's name] can come over and play&quot; made asking a lot less odd/awkward. It helped that she'd already been to this friend's birthday party in the past, but certainly could have happened without that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inviting parents too is definitely a must, at least the first few times; I always just assumed this is implicit. There doesn't need to be any implication that one set of parents might be bad or abusive or anything here; at that age, just the (very likely) differences in expectations between one household and another are likely to be uncomfortable and overwhelming for a child without the presence of an adult they're comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3142" LastEditorUserId="3142" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T19:34:41.193" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T19:34:41.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15886" CreationDate="2018-06-26T17:54:54.000" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first step is to get the parent's contact information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I'm Alice's Dad, Bob.  My daughter has been asking for a playdate with your kid, Charlotte.  Can we swap phone numbers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then send a text saying &quot;This is Alice's Dad, Bob&quot; so we have the number in both of our histories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, invite 1-2 kids over for a playdate.  Assuming they don't nap, pick a weekend day and invite them over after lunch for a few hours.  The parents are invited, but be ready if they don't stick around (different parents and kids have different expectations).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have some nice &quot;new&quot; activities in your back pocket, but first just let your daughter show off her toys to her friends.  In my experience, simply showing off one's toys and playing with friends is enough for most playdates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plan to entertain the parents; have something akin to tea and nibblies available.  But if they want to drop off the child and do an errand, just make sure you have their cell phone number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most sets of 2-3 kids will self entertain for a while.  Keep an ear in, and be ready with an interesting activity if things aren't going well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few iterations, (a) the kids will be more familiar with you, (b) the parents will be more familiar with you, and (c) you'll get better at it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next level could be excursions (where you invite them to join you at a museum or a hike), birthday parties (where you do the above, but with 10+ kids at once (!)), or even sleepovers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7652" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T17:57:58.590" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T17:57:58.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15899" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-26T19:03:04.490" Score="2" ViewCount="790" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am often the driver for friends and family whenever we travel, whether short or long distances. This is mostly due to the fact that I have the best track record, reflexes, judgement, etc. on the road and am generally happy to do it. I am not against passengers making/answering phone calls while I am driving, but I do not like it when they have extended conversations while I am driving. It is annoying to me because I have to turn off the radio, halt my conversations with other passengers, and listen to one side of a conversation, which is frustratingly boring - especially if it goes on for more than 30 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the US at least, the etiquette for behavior when other people are on the phone nearby is to be quiet and let them converse without interruption. It's also common etiquette to step out of a room if you have to talk on the phone, but that is not possible in the car for obvious reasons. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe there is any kind of well known rule for taking phone calls in the car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I am in a situation like this, I feel stuck. I have tried asking them to please wrap up the conversation, but I feel petty for doing so and am usually met with a confused look. I've also tried asking them to keep it short before the answer the phone, but either they get wrapped up in their conversation and ignore me, or they act like I'm kind of unreasonable tyrant and say on the phone, &quot;Sorry, &lt;em&gt;BlackThorn&lt;/em&gt; doesn't want me to talk on the phone, so he is making me keep this short.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the driver, I have nothing else to do in these situations, so I feel like it is reasonable to expect that phone conversations are kept short. Other passengers have the option of playing on their phones, reading a book, looking out the window (at the sights, not the road), but I am held hostage to half of the conversation whenever someone is on the phone. &lt;strong&gt;How can I get my passengers to see things my way, and keep their phone calls short?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify, this behavior is &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; rude and distracting. Listening to half a conversation, as @DaveG pointed out, is distracting because your brain tries to fill in the other half of the conversation. It is also annoying, which leads to more distracted driving as I start to focus on how much I wish the passenger would hang up the phone. I'm happy to converse with them to pass the time, listen to them converse with each other, listen to the radio, or drive in silence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T19:25:28.263" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T21:20:26.163" Title="How to keep passengers off the phone" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;driving&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15886" CreationDate="2018-06-26T19:38:02.197" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Italy here so not sure if can be relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the weather allows for it, the habit is to meet after school in open places nearby (eg: park) where parents have a chance to get in touch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually grand parents or babysitters meet there but every now and then dad or mommy quit early from work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there you go: get/give phone number, understand who play along well with your kids and who does not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be ready to be on the receiving end of an invitation: it would be &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; weird if the only option to play with your kid is to come at your place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6922" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T19:38:02.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15899" CreationDate="2018-06-26T19:57:26.103" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I worked once in a small room with a bunch of other people.  Needless to say, phone calls were a huge distraction to the others in the room.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided that I wouldn't say anything about it.  However, I would (unless it was their boss), make it hard for them to continue with a personal call in such a small space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without being a huge jerk, I had fun with the calls.  I'd respond to their conversations.  If it was a significant other, I'd do the &quot;love you.. Love you lots.... love you more... no, love YOU more...  Hang up.... no, you hang up...&quot;  Once I knew it wasn't their boss, I'd do &quot;Hi... hello.... hi... hello...&quot; or &quot;What are you wearing?&quot; or something else obnoxious.  That sent the message that there were more of us in the room and that personal calls should be taken outside the room.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if someone would hit me with, &quot;Do you mind?&quot;  I'd respond with, &quot;Not at all; this is kind of fun for me!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It usually took a call or two, but after that people either left the room or kept their calls short.  Now, in the car, they don't have the option to leave at 60 mph, so this needs to be tempered somewhat.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T19:57:26.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15894" CreationDate="2018-06-26T20:12:10.567" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your planned email is fine, but I would make two small changes to it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello colleagues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yesterday my e-mail account was hacked and used to send inappropriate emails. I've been through the reset process and recovered control of my account and changed all my passwords.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I sincerely apologize if you received an inappropriate email or for any inconvenience this may have caused, and&#xA;  I’ve taken precautionary measures to ensure that this doesn’t happen&#xA;  again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please disregard any emails from this account sent between [date/time] and [date/time]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, [ insert name here ]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By saying &quot;hacked&quot; you make it clear that you were not in control of your account and didn't give anyone access to it using a very clear and recognizable phrase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By offering a specific time-frame they know which emails were while you were not in control of the account. If you were not able to take back control of the account then change this to say that it has been hacked and that you have not been able to get back in - and to please disregard all messages from that account since [date/time].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to this specific colleague, they may or may not believe you but so long as something like this has not happened before and does not happen again there is no reason it won't blow over. Unfortunately the ball is completely in her court there, all you can do is tell her what happened and then give her space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3207" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T20:12:10.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15904" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15908" CreationDate="2018-06-26T20:21:08.090" Score="5" ViewCount="1049" Body="&lt;p&gt;First up, he's a long time friend of mine, but not someone I ever will get along with in the same room for more than an hour. In the past, I've had a lots of insecurities and he used to be the proverbial pack leader that you always obey and don't piss off, because he could easily turn the other members of the pack (who are also extremely close to me, I like the others more than I like the pack leader) against you. This is the sort of relationship it used to be when we're 12-17.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We drifted off our own paths after 18. He's doing his thing, I'm doing mine. But the patronizing attitude of his really rubs me the wrong way every time he talks to this date. We're both 23 now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm studying for an advanced degree (Masters) and he is not, but he always acts like a father-figure type of person who knows it all, except that he doesn't, and he's not a father figure. He just wants to let you know that he's better than you. I'm saying this not because I'm insecure, but because this has been made apparent in multiple conversations. He's an entrepreneur. I don't know what he's doing with his company. Whatever the progress maybe, I honestly, don't care. He could be a billionaire one day, or not accomplish much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But he says something along the lines of 'We can hire you if you finish a post doc and an MBA'. Now I try to stay humble, by saying 'Thanks for the motivation man, I'll work super hard', when in actuality I have &lt;strong&gt;zero&lt;/strong&gt; interest working for him because it feels like he doesn't know what he's doing with his company. He's still working on the idea! Inside my head, I really want to tell him 'Bro! Why on earth would I want to work for your company when, with those credentials, I could either start my own or end up in a place like Google?' I either ALWAYS come off as too rude, or too soft.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's the sort of guy that would say something like 'I want you to implement this thing that only a post-doc researcher can do. We'll split the profits 70-30, I take 70 because I'm the CEO'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to be able to tell him to not tell me what to do and not sound arrogant while doing so.  Because he's continuing to send me actual images of his conversations where his advisors/HR consultants give him a salary quote for a position in his company and he can send it to me to 'motivate' me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19236" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T21:05:39.140" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T22:16:14.627" Title="How do I tell my close friend that I don't need the advice he gives me? He always patronizes in every conversation!" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15899" CreationDate="2018-06-26T20:33:46.457" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;How can I get my passengers to see things my way, and keep their phone calls short?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you've already asked them to keep it short, after the call goes on for five minutes, carefully exit the highway and pull over the car.  Then just wait quietly for them to finish, maybe even get out and talk a short walk.  This action reminds them that they ARE indeed beholden to your rules, at least while you are giving them a ride in your car. Be prepared to offer an explanation e.g. &quot;I pulled over so you could continue your phone call.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its kind to help your friends out with rides, but you are perfectly justified in drawing the line at NOT being a taxi driver.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17674" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T20:33:46.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15899" CreationDate="2018-06-26T20:34:05.260" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's rude is subjective, so focus on the fact that it is a distraction to you.&lt;/strong&gt; Everyone can agree that it's very important that the driver focuses on driving! (whereas many people become upset when you accuse them of being rude - as you have already experienced to some degree.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So frame your request as a safety issue, and bring it up as soon as it is relevant - when the phone rings. Don't turn down the radio for them until they ask, or at least until they agree to keep it quick. That's because it's a move to accommodate their phone call, which signals approval.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the call goes on too long, remind them and say that the conversation is making it difficult for you to drive. You don't need to explain beyond that - again, it should be self-evident that the driver being able to drive is highest priority. However, simply saying &quot;Please keep it short&quot; doesn't give them a reason why, which is why some might think you're being unreasonable. (They may have no problem driving people who are chatting on the phone, or simply not be thinking of it from your point of view at all.) You don't include examples, but if you think the phrasing may be an issue, try softening it with a &quot;sorry, but can you..&quot; or &quot;would you mind..&quot; so it sounds less like an order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as personal experience, I went on a number of road trips as a kid and my dad would use a variation on this (e.g. &quot;Kids, time to be quiet, Dad really needs to concentrate right now&quot;). No further justification needed - nobody could argue that he wasn't distracted, and even as children we understood that safe driving took precedence over everything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now as a driver myself, I find anything other than a one-to-one conversation with a passenger or music incredibly distracting. I haven't had the same issue with phone calls, but I have had issues with the radio. On occasion I've had to use my position in the driver's seat to switch it off, and just apologized after with a short &quot;Sorry, too distracting&quot;. So far everyone has been understanding, but for a repeat offender I would politely refuse to be their driver in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T20:34:05.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15899" CreationDate="2018-06-26T21:08:14.807" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are in control in this situation. You're doing them a favor by driving, so you have some say in what happens in the car. As such, set the ground rules before they have a chance to pickup the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this issue is serious enough that you're bringing it to IPS, I'm going to assume this happens fairly often and you have some regular suspects. When you're discussing going somewhere and choosing who will drive, when they inevitably choose you, warn them that you have a phone rule in the car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd be happy to drive you, but I have a recent new phone rule in my car. I'm fine with you making short calls, but I find that anything longer than a few minutes starts to distract me when I'm driving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if they start to protest, then simply don't drive! You're holding all the chips here. Make sure the only way they're getting in your car is if they've agreed to your rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-06-26T21:20:26.163" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T21:20:26.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15904" CreationDate="2018-06-26T21:19:53.293" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;To specifically address the scenario you mention about working for his company, you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm actually considering a different career path. Currently, working for a large, established company is more interesting to me than a startup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be a general template for dealing with his unwanted suggestions: politely and clearly say something that makes it obvious that the advice is irrelevant. If he persists, you could consider saying something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I've actually got my own ideas on my career direction. Your advice is no longer needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could consider being direct in stating he lacks qualifications as well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've actually decided to discuss my career direction with others who have more experience with the job market for people with graduate degrees in my field.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T21:19:53.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15904" CreationDate="2018-06-26T22:16:14.627" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could just slowly scale back your responses, gradually making them shorter and further apart. It's not the most direct, or the most honest thing to do, but it works.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they send you a message, wait a while before responding, you're not all that interested in the interaction and a slow reply is a way to demonstrate that. When you write your response don't invest as much time and energy into it, this sends a similar message as the slow response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your &quot;friend&quot; has taken to this mentor role because they've gotten away with it for a long time. You've always responded politely, so they likely assume that you appreciate their mentorship. Slowly breaking the pattern will probably be enough to get them to quit sending these sorts of messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had &lt;em&gt;aquaintences&lt;/em&gt; that tried this sort of thing with me, I wouldn't call them friends, because they really weren't. Some people seem to need to assert hierarchies into their relationships, I have very little patience for this sort of thing and I'm not a fan of hierarchies in any case, so I usually end these relationships quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you'd prefer a more direct and honest approach, you could just be, ya'know direct and honest. Tell them that you don't appreciate the way they tend to talk down to you, and that you're really not interested in working for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my preferred approach, but be warned that this will typically burn bridges. Folks that need to feel superior don't usually respond well to insurrection. On the rare occasion you'll encounter people who didn't realize that they were coming across that way and will adjust their behavior, but these people are rare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-06-26T22:16:14.627" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15912" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15963" CreationDate="2018-06-27T04:36:39.850" Score="41" ViewCount="14955" Body="&lt;p&gt;While training juggling in a park, from behind me I heard a female's voice say, &quot;You are really good with your balls.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The vocal inflection was that of a compliment, but she didn't reference juggling so my initial reaction was that she had made a lame ball joke. I turned slightly to avoid eye contact and continued juggling, completely ignoring her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to gracefully receive compliments, and I am worried that I may have hurt her feelings by giving her the cold shoulder. How should I respond to statements that could be compliments or could be someone teasing or trolling?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a 34 y.o. male from the Pacific Northwest, USA. The female's voice was between 15 and 30.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I train technical juggling (patterns), and 7 ball endurance juggling. I train for personal reasons, and do not preform. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My preference is to juggle outdoors, and this has been a great way to share my knowledge about juggling. If other park visitors are interested in learning how to juggle, the conversation often starts with a compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my juggling experiences, non-jugglers largely fall into three categories; (1) people that are interested in juggling, (2) people that are indifferent to juggling, and (3) people that want to distract the juggler.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to determine the intentions of the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was a genuine compliment, I would say, &quot;Thanks, do you want to learn how to juggle?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the statement was teasing or trolling, I'd prefer to avoid this distracting interaction, and continue training. A reply like, &quot;Thanks, wink wink...&quot; may engage the troll and further derail my training.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As pointed out in the answers and comments, she may have been attempting to simultaneous give a genuine compliment and make a joke about by balls. Or, she may be been showing romantic interest. I consider both of these to be edge cases, and had not considered them when writing the original post. A simple, &quot;thanks&quot; and a wave would probably be the best in either of these circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19241" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:40:21.623" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:40:21.623" Title="How do I tell between compliments and 'ball' jokes while juggling?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;&lt;teasing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15912" CreationDate="2018-06-27T05:19:19.157" Score="110" Body="&lt;p&gt;There isn't really a fool proof way to tell a joke from a compliment, unless it's immediately apparent from the tone of voice or context. Are they pointing and laughing? Do they sound snide or sarcastic? Etc. Even if the delivery sounds completely innocent, it may just be a joke delivered in a &lt;a href=&quot;https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/deadpan&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;deadpan&lt;/a&gt; fashion (my personal favorite).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, given that there isn't a fool proof way to tell if they're joking or complimenting...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not take it as both?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say &quot;thanks&quot; with a knowing wink and smile and continue on with your practice. Seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction to me. A comment like that is probably deliberately playing with the double entendre, it's intended to be fun and funny, so why not take it that way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My older brother juggles, he's really very good actually, but I've been known to crack jokes about his... Talents with handleing so many balls... It's both a compliment and a joke. Fortunately/unfortunately I &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.dube.com/devilstick/fire-devil-sticks.php&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;devil stick&lt;/a&gt; so there's plenty of return fire about how well/often I handle my stick. It's all in good fun as long as you're willing/able to take it that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For added fun, prepare a few one liners to throw back at them. Crowd work adds something to any performance, and hecklers are going to heckle, so it's a skill worth developing. I'd add some examples here, but my sense of humor will probably attract flags... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or... You could switch props. Rings, clubs, scarves, most anything else would leave less room for innuendo ;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T01:03:08.627" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T01:03:08.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15920" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15924" CreationDate="2018-06-27T14:40:42.277" Score="14" ViewCount="2128" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, I have been married since March 2018 to my loving husband. All through our relationship, I have known that he has mild aspergers, combined with being &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; introverted and deaf (I am deaf as well) and we manage just fine in life. He is an amazing software engineer, and I am getting my MPH (Masters in Public Health). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had overbearing extended family members and acquaintances asking when they could meet him or why he doesn't simply &quot;just come meet us&quot;, or &quot;just do X with you&quot;, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have struggled with lightening the mood and just saying &quot;he lives in a nutshell, doesn't socialize often, I'm 100% fine with it&quot; but I don't want to talk about him like he's not capable or smart enough behind his back. He is an intelligent, capable guy that just has different habits than the average joe. He prefers to socialize with people who he &lt;em&gt;knows&lt;/em&gt; will engage him with a good conversation, and have a good discussion about some topic in the STEM field. He avoids small talk if he can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question: &lt;strong&gt;When I get questions about why my husband doesn't come out with me and socialize or do some overly social activity that the average joe does with his wife, how do I explain to extended family/acquaintances that my husband has high-functioning Autism, and has particular habits?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have done in the past is tell people that he is very introverted, and doesn't socialize, saying something along the lines of &quot;he lives in a nutshell, doesn't socialize often, and I'm 100% fine with it&quot; It feels like it comes across as &quot;He doesn't consider you interesting enough to socialize with&quot;, which is not my intent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-17T19:42:45.943" LastActivityDate="2019-05-15T20:22:07.040" Title="How do I explain to extended family/acquaintances that my husband has high-functioning Autism, and has particular habits?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15822" CreationDate="2018-06-27T16:13:59.160" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: This is from my personal experience dealing with field installers who spent all days driving around in traffic to reach worksites, where they often worked outdoors. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frame it a little bit differently, focusing on the interpersonal side of the job.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sit in a chair all day? I wish.  I spend half my day working with difficult people.  They want things that are impossible, or that won't work.  They pretend problems are easier than they are.  I spend half my day convincing them otherwise, and it is exhausting because they are just difficult.  Coding is a respite but I get to do too little of it. I need a break from dealing with people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this is something they can relate to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for chores, chores are not a surprise.  If you need to be asked everytime, then it is you who are being difficult, and in that case you are the author of the interpersonal stress.  If their complaint about your &quot;do-nothing&quot; job is &lt;em&gt;part of&lt;/em&gt; their request for you to do chores, then what's really going on is them expressing their frustration over the above fact.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2019-07-01T15:09:47.697" LastActivityDate="2019-07-01T15:09:47.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15923" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15886" CreationDate="2018-06-27T17:15:26.303" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As your daughter is 4, the parents won't expect a &quot;drop off&quot; playdate, so you have significantly less to worry about with regards to looking creepy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, based on our experience with our daughters, playdates serve a dual purpose: yes, the kids like to play, but it's also for the parents to catch a break and have some intelligent conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We generally organized them at a park so the kids would have a chance to run out their energy, and nobody had to stress about if their house was clean or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So invite away, or schedule them as a recurring thing, which makes things even easier on everyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3377" LastActivityDate="2018-06-27T17:15:26.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15920" CreationDate="2018-06-27T17:23:23.403" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think that you need to explain in such detail that you should even mention the Asperger's. Something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He's pretty introverted and finds big social gatherings like this one very draining, so he doesn't go to parties very often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is more than enough information to explain the situation. It's just a stated fact, an explanation and not an excuse or defense. And it's also true, complete, and doesn't really invite additional questions or comments. People may still prod, but as long as the event is a social gathering composed of a lot of people he doesn't know well the explanation will still hold and cover pretty much any other thing they might say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, I (as an imaginary person hearing you say that) personally would never consider a comment like that to be a commentary on myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mentioning the Asperger's is revealing some pretty personal information and is likely to give people a variety of impressions about him and what he's like, which may or may not be anywhere close to accurate. That may especially be the case if you want to use &quot;high-functioning&quot; with it in this scenario-- it could easily sound like the only feature of the condition is that he won't interact with others (something along the lines of &quot;he's allergic to you, specifically&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simultaneously, there may not be a way out of meeting family members at least once (and possibly more often). I find a lot my own family's gatherings tedious and would in many cases prefer not to attend, but social custom and the necessities of maintaining interpersonal relationships require me to go at least some of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; meet with (some) people &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt; due to his condition, then the full explanation of why that's the case may be necessary and some people may not accept it no matter how you express it. If he would simply &lt;em&gt;prefer&lt;/em&gt; not to do so, then the &quot;he doesn't consider you interesting enough to socialize with&quot; interpretation you are worried about conveying may, indeed, be correct, in which case other details may be little more than excuses or defenses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background: I am pretty introverted and find social gatherings very tiring, particularly when they involve new people. I also have some odd social habits, some due to OCD and some due to unrelated eccentricities. The general tack of &quot;social gatherings tend to exhaust me, so I miss a lot of them/don't stay at them for very long&quot; has been broadly successful for me in that it is quickly accepted without controversy. I also have several relatives with varying types of autism, and have a fair amount of personal experience with their behaviors and how they handle social situations (including with strangers and at large events).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-06-27T17:23:23.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15925" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15926" CreationDate="2018-06-27T17:41:14.423" Score="6" ViewCount="1142" Body="&lt;p&gt;In 2016 I went to a comic con with a group of online friends, of which a couple of streamers with a decent sized community. F is in this community but nobody really speaks to him outside from what he says in stream chats and from what I know, nobody is really friends with him. He seems like a lonely individual but has very little friends as he often says weird things in chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The community was invited to meet up at the comic con and so was he. Me and the group met him there and he was awkward, to say the least. He has a habit of getting someones attention by grabbing someone by the upper arm (so firmly it hurts) and then talking &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; close to your face. He seems to do so more with girls, but maybe the guys were just quicker to push him off. He makes weird, sometimes racist comments. He commented on girl's boobs and how they were 'too fat' etc. He seems to have little to no understanding of how to behave in a social situation or what (not) to say. One of the girls wasn't feeling well due to low blood sugar and asked me to take her to the bathroom. F joined even though we said he shouldn't and made his way into the &lt;em&gt;womens&lt;/em&gt; bathroom and it took us and 2 other ladies yelling at him before he would leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to now, he somehow got my number from someone (we haven't talked anywhere outside the stream chat for 2 years) and &lt;strong&gt;invited me to join him and (so he said) S and M to a con&lt;/strong&gt; at the end of the year. I barely speak S and M but we get along very well when we do. I asked S if she heard about it and she had only casually answered during a public stream that 'she'd think about it'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He tried to get me to create a group chat in whatsapp, I think because he doesn't have phone numbers of S and M.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;S, M and I agreed that it would be cool to go to the con and catch up, but we really have no interest in going with F. We're scared that if we go, he'll find out and meet up with us anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do we tell him we'd rather go alone, considering he has a difficult character?&lt;/strong&gt; Or would, in dealing with someone who seems to have trouble accepting no, ignoring completely be the best solution?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-06-27T17:43:57.733" LastActivityDate="2018-06-27T21:18:29.760" Title="How can I decline an invitation and then go without them?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15925" CreationDate="2018-06-27T18:06:57.757" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming that you would prefer not to tell F that you don't enjoy his company and so would not like to attend in a group with him, so I won't detail that strategy much (other than to note that it exists).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1: A polite excuse&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had scheduling difficulties relating to events (both as the person with the scheduling problem and as a person wanting to go with someone that has a scheduling problem) which make it essentially impossible to plan to go with a group. Something like &quot;I'd like to go, but I have [X] going on that day and so I'm not sure when I'll be able to get there&quot; means that anyone making plans to go should do so without counting on you to be there, and still allows you to attend (at any time!). [X] doesn't even have to be much defined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are generally familiar with busy schedules, and so I've not seen much pushback on comments like this &lt;em&gt;unless&lt;/em&gt; someone has given a very specific reason for the scheduling difficulty which is clearly untrue. And unless you, S, and M have a group costume sort of thing planned it will be very difficult for F to call you out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2: A closed group&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've &quot;already&quot; made plans to go with a group (&lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; in quotes because the timing isn't so critical when you're trying to dodge an invitation) there may not be space for F to join you. A comic convention may make this easier than it would be in other situations, especially if there is a group costume theme with all roles taken. This may not be an option for S given that he or she has already made a response in a public forum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 3: Ghosting&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: For those unfamiliar with the term, &lt;em&gt;ghosting&lt;/em&gt; someone is when you, without providing warning or explanation, stop contacting that person and do not respond to communications from that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, personally, tend to think poorly of ghosting and those that do it. But I have enough younger friends who feel very differently to suggest that I may not be in-touch with that section of modern etiquette. And, loathe as I am to reach this conclusion in specific situations, in some cases it may actually be the best option (such as a case where someone won't stop bothering you, even if you've explicitly requested that they do so). But even if F is in that category there are still a lot of cases where ghosting could leave him cruelly hurt and confused. I don't know F and can't assess whether or not he would feel this way, nor whether or not he &quot;deserves&quot; to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nonetheless, failing to respond to him at all will let you attend the convention without explicitly rejecting his invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 4: Honesty&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, F, but we went together before and I didn't have a great time. I'd rather not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may sound harsh, but it is true, clear, and direct. I would definitely recommend this rather than ghosting because I feel it is a poor choice for a person to choose to avoid the inconvenience of saying this to F at the potential cost of lots of confusion and pain on F's part. But you know yourself, F, and the situation far better than I do. And, as above, I may just be out of touch with how ghosting is perceived these days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-06-27T21:18:29.760" LastActivityDate="2018-06-27T21:18:29.760" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15927" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15928" CreationDate="2018-06-27T19:49:20.507" Score="-1" ViewCount="2222" Body="&lt;p&gt;Someone tells me &quot;you're welcome&quot; but I didn't say &quot;thank you.&quot; Should I thank them now, or is it too late?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Context: Sometimes I forget to thank people. Other times people say &quot;you're welcome&quot; to tell me that I should have thanked them, but I didn't think a &quot;thanks&quot; was even necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18900" LastEditorUserId="18900" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T16:15:37.683" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T16:15:37.683" Title="How do I respond to &quot;you're welcome&quot; when I didn't say &quot;thank you&quot;?" Tags="&lt;saying-thanks&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-06-27T21:28:04.493" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15928" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15927" CreationDate="2018-06-27T19:55:03.270" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Probably. Generally the only reason someone does that is as a slightly snarky way to remind you to thank them. But don't just say &quot;thankyou&quot; as though it's an automatic response. Either&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;apologize for the omission &quot;sorry, I didn't thank you for [action/item]. [Optional: an explanation of unusual circumstances eg I've been awake 36 hours.] [&#xA;[SMILE. You are grateful for the course correction.]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;look puzzled like you don't know why they're saying that to you. This applies if you didn't need to thank them for their action. (As a Canadian I'm a bit of an overthanker so am having trouble coming up with an example. Maybe if you held a door for someone and they said &quot;you're welcome&quot; as they went through.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't just thank them. If nothing else, make a note that this person likes to be thanked, and be sure to do it next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-06-27T19:55:03.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15920" CreationDate="2018-06-27T20:32:16.133" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are not obliged to explain anything to &lt;em&gt;extended family and acquaintances&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt;  And, if they are pushy enough to push, the more you explain, the more they will persist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't mention immediate family (parents, siblings) or close friends.  (You mentioned friends in one place and acquaintances in another place.)  To immediate family and very close friends, I suggest you explain the situation like you explained it here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To extended family and more casual friends and acquaintances just smile and say &quot;Maybe next time&quot; or &quot;Maybe later&quot; and quickly change the subject to them.  If they can resist talking about themselves and return to pestering you, say (with a hint of annoyance in your tone) something like:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I &lt;strong&gt;said&lt;/strong&gt; maybe next time. Let's talk about something more&#xA;  interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And repeat.  And repeat.  And repeat.  Don't engage.  Don't apologize.  Don't explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you get your parents or your sibs to jump in and help you change the subject?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2018-06-27T20:32:16.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15930" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15932" CreationDate="2018-06-27T21:02:01.810" Score="15" ViewCount="2517" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL/DR: One of my needs in our relationship is going unmet: the need for engaging, thoughtful conversation. I truly believe my partner is capable of this, but hasn't been in an environment where he was encouraged to have more than superficial discussions. How can I help him build his conversational skills and confidence?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example:&lt;/strong&gt; To try to clarify what I mean by thoughtful conversation, I'd be talking about things like ruminating on an interesting movie we watched (how does it reflect current society, are we going that direction, which character was fascinating and why, was the story arc good or what plot armor was there, etc) versus walking out of a movie and having it left at &quot;I liked that movie.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried model this with him to some extent with conversations about football, which he is super knowledgeable about where I know only the basics. He'll mention something in response to sports radio and I'll ask something like &quot;Oh? Which position was that?&quot; He'll tell me which one, then I'll ask something like, &quot;What does that position do again?&quot; He'll go on in some detail until I understand the gist of it and then further engage him with a question like, &quot;Why is that guy not a good fit for it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the kind of conversation I'd like to have, but about other topics as well, not &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; football. And instead of being the one engaging every time like above, eventually I'd like him to be able to engage similarly with me, even about potentially unfamiliar topics. Most of our conversations just feel like typical small talk (&quot;how was your day,&quot; &quot;what should we eat today,&quot; &quot;want to do anything this weekend,&quot; etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To try to summarize the example, I'd like it if when in a conversation he would:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Provide more than one word answers when I initiate a conversation (responses less like &quot;ok,&quot; and more like &quot;oh, I agree/disagree/don't&#xA;know because xyz&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be open to discussing in more detail than generalizations (&quot;I liked that movie, but I would have liked it more if...&quot; versus &quot;It was&#xA;good.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be willing to listen and engage on less familiar topics (If I mention something like, &quot;Huh, this article mentions a new technology&#xA;for doing xyz,&quot; answers less like &quot;Um, ok... That's random&quot; and more&#xA;like &quot;Oh yeah? What's new about it&quot; or &quot;Oh, how would that work?&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Extra Background:&lt;/strong&gt; This info may not be necessary to basic advice, but may also have details that could help. Feel free to skip it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been dating my fiance, who I love and who I know loves me deeply, for about a year and a half. We've been living together for half of that time now. We got engaged the week before I graduated from grad school with my MA this past May. It wasn't out of the blue, as we had mentioned getting married before, so of course I said yes. In the past couple of weeks, my feeling of closeness to him has declined noticeably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, I'm the kind of person whose mind is constantly churning through things, but who has to make an extra effort to identify my feelings, so I spent a couple of weeks in a confused state of low morale before I could identify why I was feeling so badly and figure out the cause. I didn't feel like I could truly connect with my fiance emotionally. We had a discussion about this (that went much better than I had dreaded) and together came up with some actions items for each of us that we thought could help, including me being better about expressing my needs unambiguously and pointing out behaviors that cause the disconnect when they happen instead of letting it build up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also shared what he called his greatest fear: that I would realize I was too smart for him and leave. I reassured him immediately and emphatically that this wasn't the case, that I loved &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt;, and that he is also an intelligent person and possess more intelligence than I do in a number of cases (emotional intelligence comes immediately to mind).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand, though, where this fear comes from. He was a college drop out; I just obtained my MA. His family do not have any higher education; mine almost all do. Through our mutual hobby, we're surrounded by bright people who are almost exclusively male. I love getting into the weeds on a variety of topics with them, and there are several that I can hold really good conversations with easily. In thinking through my fiance's fear, I also realized that since I graduated my master's program, I have been turning more to these friends for that kind of engaging conversation, probably because I'm not getting it through classmates and professors any longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This realization caused a bit of a personal panic in me because I was faced with the question &quot;Is this kind of conversation a need of mine in a romantic relationship?&quot; I'm afraid that if I'm honest with myself, the answer is probably yes. It's nice to get this need met from friends and colleagues, but I'm extremely worried that if I don't get at least a little bit of it from my husband-to-be that I will drift away from him. I can see how the lack of this kind of conversation went unnoticed until now with almost all of my intellectual energies focused on graduating and breaking into my career, but I'm kind of kicking myself for not realizing it sooner because of how deep into the relationship my fiance and I now are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this backstory leads to the question: can I help him develop the kind of skills that would help him fulfill this need of mine? How specifically would I go about helping build those skills? He was a straight-A high school student who was bored by school. He's a capable problem solver (I see this in action all the time). I just think he's never really gotten his sea legs regarding his own intellect or expressing his ideas. He's also told me he thinks his communication skills could improve. Additionally, I would bet that he probably feels intimidated by me (and some of our mutual friends) since having more substantive conversations is my default setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Research:&lt;/strong&gt; I did some searching and found &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14124/19058&quot;&gt;this answer&lt;/a&gt; that seems somewhat related, but not quite the same. In that user's instance, it was always the same few topics, but for me it's more of a depth question than a topic question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19058" LastEditorUserId="19058" LastEditDate="2018-06-28T14:50:49.063" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T16:15:40.547" Title="How can I help my partner learn to have deeper conversations?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15886" CreationDate="2018-06-27T21:40:16.553" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to do this more often, maybe focus on including the parents first and making it for them, as well, by hosting something at a public place.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if there is a kids museum in town, invite the other parents to bring their kids to the museum so everyone can keep in touch over the summer break.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it a learning activity, too.  Or get them together at a park for a game or bbq.  Say that you have invited all the kids from the preschool and the more who can come, the merrier.  Parents don't have to come, but it's encouraged.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do this a couple times and then the relationships of who wants to be friends should be established and maintain themselves naturally.  Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19257" LastActivityDate="2018-06-27T21:40:16.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15932" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15930" CreationDate="2018-06-27T22:20:09.813" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a problem that my partner and I have also sought to solve. However, in our instance, it was less that one/both of us weren't willing and more that we noticed we were having these conversations less often as a result of our busy lives. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to spark these discussions more often, we've started something like a book club between just the two of us. Each week, we alternate choosing an article we've recently read that made us think. Next, the non-choosing partner reads the article and then we go get a drink at a quiet bar and talk about it. Sometimes it leads to a far-reaching, hours-long discussion, and sometimes we find that there isn't actually much to say, and we finish our drink and go home (or just discuss something else). In order to work well, there shouldn't be pressure to find a conversation that isn't there, merely the expectation that you make an honest effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you haven't said anything about your individual reading habits, this might not work exactly for you, but you might be able to tailor it to your own interests (you could instead pick a TV episode, or movie, or anything that made you think). Even if, at the beginning, your fiancé is only choosing articles about football, hopefully with time and the example set by your selections, they might become more confident choosing other topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've come to look forward to our nights out, since in the worst case we get to spend some time together and enjoy a drink. We've also become more comfortable with these conversations and have noticed that we'll have them outside of these specific evenings as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize I don't say much about how to initiate this tradition. I'm hoping that, since you've already had an honest talk about this need of yours, that you can bring it up as an experiment to try. If you receive pushback that it feels too forced, or that your fiancé doesn't think they'll have anything to contribute, you can reiterate that this is important to you and that you think it's worth trying. I'd also recommend volunteering to go first (and choosing a topic that's familiar to both of you) to make it easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19259" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-06-28T15:52:07.607" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T15:52:07.607" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15934" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15936" CreationDate="2018-06-27T22:53:54.780" Score="16" ViewCount="5913" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Preface:&lt;/strong&gt; Some folks will think I'm a terrible person after reading this, and perhaps they're right. In truth, there were several points early-on when I'd thought about breaking things off, but something always drove us together. What I've detailed below is simply the product of wonderful happenstance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a guy in my early twenties who loves to write, and as it happens, I enjoy pursuing online roleplays with other writers. As it also happens, most of the characters I'm inspired to write happen to be female. In days past, this hadn't presented a problem, right up until I met &lt;strong&gt;Jay&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jay isn't his real name, of course. Like me, he's a writer who's comfortable with depicting both male and female characters. Unlike me however, he had the courage to disclose his identity from the get-go. I myself was skittish, as most of my past partners would've found it rather unsettling for a guy to depict female characters. When the topic came up, &lt;strong&gt;I lied and told him I was a girl&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile our characters interacted, fell in love, and eventually even proposed to one another. The story's all but fallen by the wayside, but I'm entirely certain our actual friendship was the chief reason it occurred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On that note, &lt;strong&gt;Jay happens to be bi&lt;/strong&gt; just like me, and even had a husband till he passed away in tragic circumstances. I only mention this as it might make him more accepting of the real me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a brief lull to finish university, I started talking to Jay again in January of this year. From the start, we'd both known that real life would be a purely platonic affair between us, yet by some turn of luck we've grown incredibly close to one another. I've even told him I love him, albeit explicitly as a friend. He's served as a lodestar in those terrifying weeks after I was diagnosed with chronic pain, and I've helped him through some of the worst days of his own life. In fact, aside from a pseudonym and a fake ethnicity, every aspect of my interaction with him has been completely genuine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On some level, I'd honestly like to believe he already knows. Our conversations usually segue into economics and military history, two rather uncommon pursuits for the fairer sex. And though neither of us has ever asked for photos, insofar I've drawn the line at interacting with him outside of the IM app we use. He never even knew my (fake) first name till a few months back, and only since I mentioned it offhand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why I'm Afraid&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ever since another of my internet-friends confessed to me about wanting to transition, the thought of coming clean has weighed heavily on my mind. When Jay asked me if I could play video games yesterday, I found myself awash with guilt and grief for the better part of ten minutes. I want to tell him - a great part of me &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt; to - but I'm deathly afraid he'll react poorly. Even if he doesn't immediately distrust me, I fear the magic would be gone. Jay would soon take his leave, and my world would become just the slightest bit colder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already made it my mind to tell him who I am. The question is, &lt;strong&gt;How can I approach letting him know my gender in a way that's more likely to end with us remaining close friends?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19258" LastEditorUserId="19258" LastEditDate="2018-06-28T00:13:28.207" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T01:44:16.673" Title="How can I tell my closest online friend that I'm actually male?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15934" CreationDate="2018-06-27T23:57:46.900" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was younger I was in a similar situation with an online friend. In my case, I'd told them I was far older than I actually was. I still vividly remember how bad I felt every time I continued the lie and the tight feeling in my stomach when I thought about how I'd tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I finally told them, I focused on these points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be straightforward and honest&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't draw this out. He'll probably be in shock after you tell him. You won't be able to get that much information across since he'll probably immediately start thinking about the entire friendship. As such you need to clearly and concisely get your points across.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make it clear that you still want to be friends&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since, again, he probably won't have the capacity to take too much of this conversation in the moment, I'd focus on getting this one key point across. Let him know how much you value the friendship and that you're telling him &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; you want this friendship to last. This is what you want him to focus on when he's thinking about the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Give him time to think&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you tell him, you need to give him space. He's going to have a lot to think about, especially with how long you've been friends. Don't try to ask him how he feels about it. Don't try to reach out to him asking if he still wants to be friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him know that you'll give him the time and space to think about things and that you'll be waiting to hear from him if he still wants to be friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will make his own decisions, and when he does, you'll find out. It will be very &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; stressful on your part (believe me, I've been there), but remember that you'll only be hurting your chances if you try to rush him.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately it's Jay's decision whether or not to continue this friendship, and it's a decision he'll be making himself. All you can do is make sure that he understands that you care about him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For what it's worth from one internet person to another, I think you should be proud of yourself for taking this step. This is not at all easy, but regardless of what happens, you're coming clean and being honest about the situation, which is more than many people have the courage to try. Congratulations on making this decision and best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-06-27T23:57:46.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15934" CreationDate="2018-06-28T01:36:58.877" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Aww this takes me back... It reminds me of getting to know the first non-cisgender person I ever dated. We met on an online dating app. They were honest about their identity. They were agender. I was just too hetero and ignorant to fully understand what that meant. Looking at their profile picture and talking to them I assumed that they were assigned female at birth, and were just androgynous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We got to know each other chatting online, over the course of a couple months, in a long distance relationship. Then I finally worked up the nerve to ask them out on a proper date. I was excited, we'd been hitting it off online, really getting to know each other, way beyond the typical small talk nonsense. They were brilliant and playful, and I really liked them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We decided to meet up at a pool hall, I arrived early because I was worried about traffic and wanted a chance to shake the first date jitters before they arrived.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they showed up I recognized them instantly, they looked just like their profile picture. But then they spoke, and I'm ashamed to admit that I was a little taken aback at first... I realized that my assumption was incorrect. I realized that the person I had been falling for online wasn't who I assumed they were... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could tell that they were aware of my shock, and felt awful. This wasn't their fault, it was mine. So, I decided to be a decent human about it. If nothing else I could give this person I'd gotten to know online a chance and a nice night out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was the first crack in my hetero facade. I wouldn't say I was closeted, I just thought that plumbing mattered, and this was the moment that I realized that for me, it really didn't. I liked them, their quick wit, their playful nature, their heart. They were the person I got to know, they just weren't what I thought they were. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I bring all of this up because it seems like you find yourself in a very vaguely similar situation. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Very vaguely similar&lt;/em&gt; you really should have been honest.&lt;/strong&gt; But it sounds like you may have been talking to someone who wouldn't have cared about your gender to begin with. You're both bisexual, so you're a little less likely to run into a wall of homophobia. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wall you're more likely to hit is that one concerning honesty and trust. Admittedly, that's a pretty important one. I'm not going to beat you up over it, you're already doing that on your own. Live, learn, and don't do that again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... What can you do about it, beyond not doing it again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well... This is one of those fall on your sword and hope for the best situations. You did the wrong thing, you know you did the wrong thing, all you can do is confess and hope for the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably better not to try to hide behind caveats and excuses for why you did what you did. Just be honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bringing this answer full circle, you may be pleasantly surprised, if you decide to do the right thing. &lt;strong&gt;They may not care as much as you think. I was a &quot;straight dude&quot; and I didn't.&lt;/strong&gt; They'll probably be a little put off that you weren't honest, but you may luck out and they may forgive you. That's the best you can hope for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also... And I know you didn't ask... But... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This whole collaborative story writing thing sounds like an epic flirtation. If that's the case, you probably ought to be honest about that too, it may pay off ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T01:36:58.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15939" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15930" CreationDate="2018-06-28T11:28:08.417" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think one important point is, to guide him, while trying to discuss a topic. Regarding his background, he is most likely not use to give in depth answers to a question like: “Why did you enjoy that movie?”. Therefore I suggest you guide him e.g. “Do you think, that character xy will reach his goal of abc in the future?”. This focuses on one narrow topic, rather than a broad topic (the whole movie). After his answer, you can ask him why he thinks so. From there on, you can start with another section of the movie. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will hopefully make him used to discussing something to enrich the mind, rather than to deliver information. If you do this more often, he might give you more in depth answers to less specific questions, which hopefully leads to more in depth discussions. I think it is best to pick topics where he and you have at least some knowledge. This makes it easier for him to provide answers and enables you to guide the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask him: “What do you want to eat?”, he will deliver an information, so he gets food he enjoys. He is most likely not used to answer questions in depth, just so you can have a discussion. Questions are most likely a tool to get information for him. It is like a hammer, you can use it to get a nail into the wall, or to make a sculpture. The nail is useful, the sculpture is beautiful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second important point is to motivate him. Of course making you happy is a source of motivation, but there will always be a huge difference between loving in depth conversations and having an in depth conversation to make your girlfriend happy (especially in the long run). You can try to do him favors in return, but I do not know if this will lead to success. Maybe someone else knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11838" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T11:28:08.417" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15940" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15941" CreationDate="2018-06-28T13:39:44.627" Score="4" ViewCount="736" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am currently working as a temporary student intern at an automotive company's part depot doing jobs for the customer service department there, including updating processes and creating a new employee training manual (my main tasks), along with other small jobs that are assigned to me. Its a 4 month term and I have about 2 months left&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to be clear, a lot of these jobs end up falling into one of the two categories right off the bat:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The job needs to be put on hold because of something outside of my control (&lt;em&gt;waiting for data from another person, person who I am getting information from goes on vacation, etc.&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most of the work is manual data entry, which I can do relatively quickly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also learned how to use their system very quickly which enabled me to write the user guide very quickly, so I am well ahead on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of this I have a lot of &amp;quot;free&amp;quot; time compared to the rest of the customer service staff, as they are very busy with training another new rep.  I don't sit around doing nothing however.  I try to keep myself busy by doing work related things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sitting with the new rep and helping them if needed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Editing the training manual to look better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bringing my write ups of the current process to the various reps so they can look at it and suggest improvements.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately I have noticed one of the reps complaining to another that I do no work and shouldn't even be here.  I brushed it off but these comments started becoming more and more direct, as in the most recent encounter they told mockingly mentioned to another coworker that &amp;quot;my work wasn't real work&amp;quot; and that I shouldn't be paid at all.  I was within about 10 feet and they knew I was there so I think it was intentional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I fear that others might start to resent me for how little perceived work I am doing and create tension while I am around.  I am supposed to be compiling information from them, but I am worried that they will stop giving me &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; of the info, or purposely leaving some parts out.  I might be over reacting but I want to nip this problem in the bud before it could even get to that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I de-escalate this situation in the most respectful and professional way possible?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T14:37:31.290" Title="How to deal with someone who is critical of my perceived lack of work?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15940" CreationDate="2018-06-28T14:05:11.473" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest you maintain a list of all your current and recently completed tasks, together with your status (completed, waiting for input from John Doe, etc.) and keep it in a highly visible place on your desk. This should help prevent your boss and co-workers from believing the person who is bad-mouthing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside from that, try not to stress out about this and remember you only have two months left. I suspect that rep is feeling insecure in his job, and is trying to draw attention from himself onto someone else by making them look bad. A normal, reasonably secure employee who genuinely believes an intern is not doing his job would discuss the problem quietly with management, not broadcast it like that rep. So this is not about you, and I'm sure the other people in the office know what the rep is up to and don't pay much attention to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2865" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T14:05:11.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15940" CreationDate="2018-06-28T14:17:43.057" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems that a lot of the work they've been giving you is work to keep you busy, rather than part of the company's standard workflow. You're an intern working who will only be with the company for 4 months. It's not worth it for them to invest in training you to do the work of a full time employee. Because of this they have you writing documentation, and fixing formatting issues rather than doing the &quot;actual work&quot; of a customer service rep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of nature of the tasks assigned to you there isn't much you can do to combat this conception that you aren't doing much. Being an intern it's effectively part of the job description. Most companies have an unspoken hierarchy of the value of a roles contributions. As an intern doing make-work you're going to be near the bottom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the short duration of the internship and the fact that you are completing the tasks that you are assigned I would recommend not worrying about it unless it starts to interfere with your ability to do your job. About the only thing you can do to improve the situation is to volunteer to take on responsibilities closer aligned with what your coworkers consider valuable contributions to the company. Since you're working in the customer service department that's probably going to be related to helping customers in some way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-06-28T14:25:25.887" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T14:25:25.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15943" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-28T15:56:47.630" Score="42" ViewCount="15413" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been making a more conscious effort to work on my social skills lately. Particularly soft skills dealings with random people in public places. My shrink recommended that I do the obvious thing, &quot;Go out in public, and do something that you enjoy doing, while making an honest effort to interact with other people.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I figured that adjusting &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1480/when-playing-darts-how-can-i-separate-real-players-from-random-drunks&quot;&gt;the way I play darts&lt;/a&gt; would meet the requirements, so that's what I've been doing once or twice a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last night I ran into a familiar irritation. Rowdy, drunk, guys. They were playing pool, beating their chests, and shouting back and forth about their shots, sexual prowess/orientation and how that somehow related to their ability to play pool. Whole lotta:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What!?! What now!?! Did you see that shot!?! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Followed by a long back and forth about who was gay and who was the &lt;em&gt;bigger man...&lt;/em&gt; While literally beating their chests. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first couple of times, I laughed, but as things progressed they gradually got louder and more obnoxious about it. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn't get in the groove and play darts. It was just too loud and too distracting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm wondering if there's an effective strategy for getting guys like these to settle down in a situation where they're at full volume and escalating their weird alpha male competition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The old me would have went straight to open hostility and potential violence, but I'm trying real hard not to be that person anymore. Jail is unpleasant and filled with these sorts of situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ended up dealing with it, by not dealing with it. I just played darts distracted and poorly till an older couple schooled them on the pool table (beat them in a game, gaining control of the table). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way to get guys in this sort of situation to chill out, without being aggressively confrontational?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T13:31:11.477" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T17:10:19.760" Title="Asking guys to quit shouting in a bar" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;&lt;drunken-people&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15943" CreationDate="2018-06-28T16:26:54.450" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a gamble to ask anyone in a bar to quiet down if they're already being loud and rowdy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you approach anyone, consider if they are being enough of a distraction that you would leave the bar if they don't quiet down.  I say this because there's &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; a chance (with any IPS problem involving someone who is drinking) that your communication will be taken negatively, regardless of how friendly/genuine you may approach the drinking individual. Any interaction here &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; increase the undesired behavior of a drunk, obnoxious stranger, and you may ultimately force yourself into needing to leave the bar to cool down from such an interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That disclaimer aside&lt;/strong&gt;, I've found that I had the most success in my college town when I would say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, would you guys mind toning it down just a little?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you say it, &lt;strong&gt;smile&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;laugh&lt;/strong&gt;, and possibly even &lt;strong&gt;admit your reasons&lt;/strong&gt;, as this will lower the possibility of them feeling provoked by your request:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm trying to practice darts and I'm having a hard time concentrating.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time folks would respond with an &quot;oops, we'll try to be quieter&quot;, and only a few times did I ever have anyone stay the same volume or get louder (&lt;em&gt;note: I'm coming from one of those 'midwest nice' type of places so maybe that effects my response rates as well&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While there are &lt;em&gt;bound&lt;/em&gt; to be folks who are itching for confrontation when they drink, I've found that this was always the best way to set myself up for success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T16:26:54.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15943" CreationDate="2018-06-28T16:41:02.603" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a way to get guys in this sort of situation to chill out, without being aggressively confrontational?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friendly statement can go a long way in solving this issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, could you guys keep it down a bit?  It's a bit distracting.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience on the &quot;party floor&quot; of my residence in university, sometimes the people get so caught up in having fun that they don't really notice the other people around them.  There would be times when people would be banging on my door or blasting music loudly at 2am, and me politely telling them to keep it down or watch what they do goes very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, you could always try asking the bar staff if they are being excessively rowdy, which does seem to be the case.  Drinking does weird things to people and can make them react poorly to a statement that they would see as perfectly reasonable when sober.  The staff have full authority to throw people out, so the threat of being escorted from the place can stop some drunks.  The ones that don't listen and continue to be rowdy will get thrown out anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A non-IPS solution (but still a &lt;em&gt;solution&lt;/em&gt; non the less) is to wear earplugs or headphones.  As iDeal said in their answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You can't change the way another person acts. Only the way you react to their actions&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the most part I do agree with this statement and good quality earplugs can block out noise and let you concentrate on throwing darts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T16:41:02.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15948" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15954" CreationDate="2018-06-28T17:33:04.020" Score="7" ViewCount="3252" Body="&lt;p&gt;My female friend likes to send me print-screens of her conversations with other guys. There's no romantic content whatsoever, or any content that bothers me, but just the fact that she sends it to me feels weird and is not something I like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm worried if I confront her directly I may come off as scolding or jealous. Since we're not in a serious relationship, I wouldn't feel comfortable going this far. As such, I usually just don't respond to the message. I hoped she would realize from this that I don't approve, but it doesn't seem to be working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I confront her about how this behavior makes me uncomfortable without coming off as scolding or jealous?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19272" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-28T19:16:19.257" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T22:35:36.350" Title="Confronting girlfriend about sending me conversations with other guys" Tags="&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15949" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15943" CreationDate="2018-06-28T17:38:19.837" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know it may seem a herculean task, but you need to swallow the irritation. If you confront them while you're thinking the way you've written this post, it &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; show through. I can tell you from dealing with a younger brother that you need to master yourself before you can master the situation around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're being truly loud and obnoxious, some other patrons have probably noticed as well. Take some time to look around the room and see if you can spot the annoyed glances in their direction. If you approach others who are also annoyed at the boisterous behavior, they'll probably help you confront the source.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This adds some validity to your complaint, since clearly more people are annoyed. Not to mention, you may make some friends with the other patrons and this will give you more practice with &quot;random people in public places.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When actually confronting, I don't think there's anything I can add that &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/15945/11811&quot;&gt;Jess didn't already say&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-06-28T17:46:39.823" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T17:46:39.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15950" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15952" CreationDate="2018-06-28T17:44:48.740" Score="6" ViewCount="802" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have long-time friends, a married couple. We don't see them very often, maybe four to five times a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two of the opportunities to meet them are their birthday parties. During these &amp;quot;parties&amp;quot; 10-12 guests sit around a table, eat and drink and make small-talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Our Problem:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I feel increasingly uncomfortable at these birthday parties, mostly because of the topics of conversation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The guests only talk about vacations (5 star hotels in Dubai), their houses in Sylt (a German island comparable to the Hamptons in the U.S.), locations in Paris where you can eat the best Périgord truffles and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We also don't like the other guests (except our friends) very much and so we decided not to attend these parties anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My question:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we politely refuse invitations to these birthday parties without offending our friends? We really like to meet them, but not at these events. We also don't like to lie to our friends and find some excuses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19224" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T20:50:21.427" Title="How to refuse an invitation without offending good friends?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15950" CreationDate="2018-06-28T18:09:50.990" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do something special with your good friends that don't involve the others.  Organize something special and personal with them that doesn't involve the others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I frequently host different events with different friend groups during my birthday, as I know some groups do not mix well with others.  I found that out partially through some people from one group directly telling me that they do not enjoy spending time with another person or group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take your friends aside and let them know that you don't have much fun with those friends and would like to do something together.&lt;/strong&gt;  If your friends are reasonable then they will understand that &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; friends might not be &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T18:09:50.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15953" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15974" CreationDate="2018-06-28T18:30:11.747" Score="5" ViewCount="505" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tried searching on and off for a couple days to find a question like this and much to my surprise, I was unable to find one.  I found a couple about contacting old friends, but they make no mention of a fight. Or they mention lack of communication after a fight.  In this specific case, the communication was severed at the time of the fight so there were no uncertain terms that the topic of the fight was the direct cause and there would be no further communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here’s the story:&#xA;Someone I interact with quite often (Alice) was having issues with her friend (Becky).  They knew each other for roughly 8 months before things got rocky due to many personal reasons that won’t really matter for this question as many were discussed and resolved.  However, one unresolved issue that Alice had was that Becky frequently talked to her like Alice was naïve.  This problem was compounded by the fact that Alice knew she had more experience in the topic at hand.  Becky wasn’t being intentionally insulting, though, so Alice discussed this issue with her and Becky said she’d stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Becky didn’t stop, though, so Alice was left to assume this is just how Becky is.  At about the 1 year mark, they had a big fight about it because Becky had a couple months to change and hadn’t, and Alice called it quits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months later, Alice was wondering if she made the right call.  They &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; really good friends; almost like family after just that short while and Alice missed her presence.  While they had their issues, Alice really appreciated Becky’s friendship as it is very difficult for Alice to make close friends.&#xA;Alice has since stopped taking medication that likely contributed to her intolerance for Becky.  It’s been nearly a year since they last spoke at this point and Alice is beyond the point of questioning &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; she wants to approach Becky again and instead planning to do so around a certain timeframe due to Alice’s personal situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;What things should Alice consider when first addressing Becky in order to maximize the potential to re-establish that friendship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14324" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-06-28T18:33:15.150" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T09:42:21.610" Title="Re-establishing friendship long after fight" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15948" CreationDate="2018-06-28T18:34:42.477" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the cornerstones of every relationship is &lt;strong&gt;communication&lt;/strong&gt;. It doesn't matter if you're casual or serious, a lack of communication can only hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has no way of knowing how you feel about these messages unless you tell her! It's not fair to you to continue taking treatment you don't like and it's not fair to her to have you upset with her over an issue she doesn't know exists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a first step, you could try to keep it light/playful. Next time she sends such a picture, you can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey! I'm talking to you, not John, why is his conversation here? :P&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a step up from your no responses, but still not quite full on confrontation. You're lightly letting her know that the images aren't something you appreciate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if they still continue even after you try a few subtle jokes like this, it may be time to be straightforward with her. In that case, I'd focus on making it clear that the friendships and interactions aren't the problem, but the showing you is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey girlfriend. I've noticed that you send me a lot of pictures of your conversations with other guys. I just want to make it clear that I don't have a problem with these conversations or with your friendships, however, constantly seeing them in our conversations confuses me and makes me a little uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="19387" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T13:16:25.880" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T13:16:25.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15943" CreationDate="2018-06-28T19:19:40.780" Score="121" Body="&lt;p&gt;Finding out if you are in a bar where this is the norm or exception can go a long way in making sure you are not needlessly putting yourself in this kind of situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Per the comments, you can ask the bartender &quot;is it always this loud in here?&quot; and this will give you a hint whether to expect this rowdy behavior frequently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very possible that the bartender cares about your experience and will try to help you out or it's possible that they simply say &quot;Yeah, get used to it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally a bartender will have the &quot;magic&quot; touch for talking with drunks and persuading them to change their actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Engaging with drunks is like doing ballet with a bear. You either have to be swift or you have to be up to par on their level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have witnessed a bartender yell at some guys:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, guys! STFU, you're being loud&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and they less-loudly responded with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh s**t, sorry Jim! Our bad everyone, sorry for being loud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly they know one another through some means but I would assume that you personally saying such things would not end as well for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the bartender ignores your requests then you can decide to leave that establishment. You are in control of where to show your patronage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T12:51:13.627" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T12:51:13.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15912" CreationDate="2018-06-28T22:12:33.117" Score="5" Body="&lt;h1&gt;You did OK. Communication is never perfect.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not always easy to guess someone's intentions. It's not (only) your fault for not getting it; it takes two to communicate clearly. Maybe some non-verbal clues would have helped (was she smiling?). But it's hard to notice them when your full attention is devoted to that 5-ball Mill's Mess you're running. These things happen all the time; it's not a big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How to answer when you're not sure of her intentions?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Several options. For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just &quot;Thanks&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Polite smile / snicker.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A generic non-committal answer such as &quot;Thanks. I train a lot for this&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also depends if you want to continue the conversation or not. It seems like you want to make small talk only if she's genuinely interested in your juggling. It's hard to tell from a single sentence, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4430" LastActivityDate="2018-06-28T22:12:33.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15959" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13242" CreationDate="2018-06-28T23:25:07.763" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell the truth, or at least don't lie. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now there isn't any way to avoid that situation. But if you keep lying, that will still be very unconformable for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try one more time. If for some reason she starts crying again, explain her politely that you are under a lot of stress (for different situations, work, college, etc, whatever reason that you want to pick) and this makes you feel very bad, and that she is welcome always to your place  but you cannot handle that kind of emotion because it make you feel bad, and you prefer to be alone otherwise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to be as honest as you can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19279" LastEditorDisplayName="user12404" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T00:27:08.190" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T00:27:08.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15930" CreationDate="2018-06-29T00:57:07.880" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally, someone enjoys conversations which he has a good intuition, through a solid accompanying knowledge and generally  having pondered about those affairs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having discussion about sociatial, philosophical issues etc. Requires a lot of work that many people cannot just submmerse into. That requires a maturity in academic reading which is not easily acquired, unless you have majored in something. It is like having a discussion about music with a non musician. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, even if he would potentially indeed enjoy to angage in deeper conversations in the beginning it would be, understandably, underwhelming for both of you, as there is too much of a gap into your background and method of thinking to make the conversation stimulating. Again, given your background you have spent many many years developing you background and maturing your thought process. Imagine  a chess professional playing against a chess enthusiast, both people love chess but neither enjoying themselves when they play together, and of course this has nothing to do about intelligence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, what I would suggest is perhaps joining a book club. There will be people   of all levels, and you are going to be exposed to ideas that both of you find stimulating. There he will be able to hone his skill closing the gap between your thought process and background. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar ideas would be taking a beginners class in something both of are not very familiar. Maybe cinematography on coursera. So this class will have something to offer to both of you, and next you go to a movie he will have already digested ideas as his guide to make an interesting conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7319" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T00:57:07.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15962" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15967" CreationDate="2018-06-29T01:40:17.650" Score="2" ViewCount="1785" Body="&lt;p&gt;The compliments I receive about my choice of clothes are from my relatives and close friends, which I can just say &quot;thanks!&quot; without sounding disinterested or off-putting as they know me well and expressing my gratitude with a &quot;thanks!&quot; would suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, today was dress-down day at the office I'm currently interning at and I wore a Star Wars polo tee that I received as a gift a year ago. I was making my coffee at the pantry and an intern who I've not met before was washing her mug when she said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I like your shirt!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If my tee was about a topic that I could strike up a conversation about, it wouldn't be a problem. However, I have never watched any Star Wars episodes before so I couldn't talk about Star Wars and I didn't want to say &quot;thanks, you look great yourself!&quot; as it would seem like an empty compliment to her, a stranger. So I just tried to answer her in this manner:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh hey, I'm not really a Star Wars fan. My aunt bought this for me as a gift. But thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then smiled to her and walked off. I don't know if statements like these would offend someone, but that was how the interaction went.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, I would want to have a short conversation about the topic the stranger is going on about to show my interest and my gratitude to their compliments, but what if I don't know the topic of conversation well?&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;How do I then reply to their compliments with a general statement that may apply to most (if not all) cases and at the same time not sound disinterested or off-putting?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastEditorUserId="18317" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T09:19:33.863" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T09:49:20.063" Title="How to respond to a stranger's compliments on my themed t-shirt when I am unfamiliar with the theme?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15963" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15912" CreationDate="2018-06-29T02:41:11.280" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here are the steps to dealing with pretty much every interaction you're going to have while juggling:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't take yourself too seriously&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people are familiar with juggling as a performance. Penn Jillette, world-famous juggler and magician, affectionately refers to himself and others like him as &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/pennjillette/status/660170104479592448?lang=en&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;carny trash&lt;/a&gt;&quot;. Jugglers are the kind of folks who go to clown school, but don't get offered a job and -- if they're lucky -- work their way up from being street performers. Depending on who you ask, jugglers are either one rung up or one rung down from magicians, both at the bottom of the performer pecking order (I'm an even lower form of life: I don't practice either regularly, I'm just a magic geek!). Penn's best friend Michael Goudeau, also a famous juggler, appears to support him in this notion; he says it pretty regularly on their podcast, and I've never heard a juggler or magician argue the point.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Have a good sense of humor&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're going to be a performer -- or just do something in public that most people view as a performance art -- it's a good idea to develop a sense of humor. I'm not exactly saying &quot;have a thick skin&quot;, but that wouldn't hurt, either. Whether someone is aiming for some good-natured ribbing or is heckling you, the best defense is to be &lt;em&gt;in on the joke&lt;/em&gt;. Take ownership of those laughs; they're &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; laughs, so enjoy them! If you can have some zingers ready to throw back in these situations, that's great. Even better, use this as an opportunity to work on your improvisation skills. Be prepared to make fun of yourself -- it's hard to pick on somebody who'll say something worse about himself than the next guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a good sense of humor and being able to improvise will serve you well not only in performing or disarming hecklers in any situation, it will help you in almost all communication. Being able to break the ice in a job interview or business meeting with an appropriate joke reduces the tension of these situations and builds &lt;em&gt;instant&lt;/em&gt; rapport. And in my personal experience, there's no better way to flirt than to be able to joke around on-the-fly. In a flirting situation, I often find that (polite) teasing and being self-effacing (to a limit) are more effective than just being &quot;the funny guy&quot; who can tell a joke. These are skills that have to be practiced, and jokers in the park are a low-risk opportunity to practice them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just assume it's a joke&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now that we've established the right attitude, let's get to the meat of your question: &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;anyone who mentions balls&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; (in a non-technical way) &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;while you're juggling is ALWAYS making a joke.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; It's so often true, that you may as well just assume that it's always true. Aside from the fact that it's an easy joke to make, most juggling acts are comedy acts. In the very rare case that they didn't mean to make a joke, they'll still enjoy it when you make it into one. The kind of person who would get offended by you turning their comment into a double-entendre isn't talking to jugglers in the park.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get in on the joke (see step #2) and engage with them. If you're not up for engaging today, acknowledge them with a polite chuckle and then act &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; focused on what you're doing. That's your best shot at getting rid of them without friction. If I thought they might be interested in learning, I'd probably fire back with a joke like, &quot;Thanks! Would &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; like to play with my balls?&quot; But if that seems a little too forward or rude to you, go back to the chuckle, followed by, &quot;Thanks! I practice a lot for competitions/fun/whatever. Would you like me to teach you some tricks?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, remember that you're in the park, which always opens you up for other people interrupting your practice. As you pointed out yourself, it's a good place to engage others and share your knowledge. If someone is making a joke in your direction, they're definitely interested in you in some way. That may just be their way of breaking the ice with you. If you're looking to engage people about juggling (or in general), they're giving you an opening, so take it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16165" LastEditorUserId="16165" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T19:17:50.707" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T19:17:50.707" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15964" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15930" CreationDate="2018-06-29T03:59:31.890" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion it might backfire if you ask him to change. He has expressed the fear that you might not find him enough intellectually. Maybe his inability to initiate and engage in “thoughtful conversations” on some topics he’s not familiar with is due to pyschologival reasons. It’s really hard to think on your feet and let the conversations develop when you are afraid of being judged and stressed out about the consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s a decision you would have to make eventually. It sounds you are doubting your relationship and your feelings for him. Putting the pressure on him to change is not fair, as you’ve acknowledged that having that level of conversation requires a lot of knowledge and that takes time to build. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, own your panic, take a step back and honestly ask yourself if you would be okay with who he is now, and your relationship as it is today. You have the right to take some time to reflect and decide whether to continue this relationship or not. If you do, focus on other things that make the relationship work. You have other options to make it more satisfying for you if you still want it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T03:59:31.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15948" CreationDate="2018-06-29T05:44:09.687" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it'd be best to continue doing what you're doing, and just ignore the messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might take some time, but eventually she will get the message that you don't care (which you don't, right?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's trying to get a reaction for some reason, but no reaction you could give will achieve anything good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Messages from other guys are terribly exciting for her, but for you, if you hope to eventually pursue a relationship with this person, reading these messages should be about as interesting as watching paint dry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Treat these messages with the interest they deserve, which is absolutely none.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you show any reaction, positive, or negative, you are showing that these guys and their interaction with this girl is in some way of interest to you. That's a bad thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you really want to show her, is that other guys are completely unimportant to you. So unimportant that they might as well not exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is a message from a non-existent entity interesting? No!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastEditorUserId="2767" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T05:51:49.217" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T05:51:49.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15967" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15962" CreationDate="2018-06-29T06:01:52.533" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it is perfectly fine to continue a conversation with a topic that you might not be familiar with... As long as you do not pretend to know much about the topic while actually not knowing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally your answer is fine, responding with a smile and thank you to such compliments would not offend anyone or sound empty, especially if you give a polite smile that you acknowledged and appreciated their compliment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However in that star wars situation, you can continue your answer by asking if she is a star wars fan, if she says yes, you can perhaps ask more about why and how she came to like star wars... It will help you know her more and make it easier to strike up future conversations, such short conversations can go a long way!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19280" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T06:01:52.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15201" CreationDate="2018-06-29T06:32:08.087" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is an alarming behavior and you are really smart and brave to stand up for yourself and ask for support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your boyfriend sounds abusive to me. Distorted sense of reality, using justifications to trespass your boundaries is a dangerous slippery slope. Be extra cautious as it might escalate quickly. You are doing great by posting your story here and hearing about different perspectives. I am sorry that this is happening to you. It is a tricky and confusing situation. And it can be very painful to recognize and acknowledge that this is happening from someone you love and trust. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would help a lot if you look into some books to learn more about abusive behaviors. From where I see, this behavior might not be an anger issue at all and the underlying psychological problems that your bf has might be much deeper. One book I'd highly recommend  “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also start finding your support system. Sounds like your dad had similar emotional problems. It's possible that you might need help to better identify red flags in your relationship with your bf. It's also possible that you have been emotionally wounded growing up in that family and you need to heal. Find a therapist. Or a friend who is in a healthy relationship. Do not go to partner therapy with a potential abuser. The book will tell you why. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please protect yourself by setting and asserting boundaries. You can’t change him but you could choose to say no, keep distance from him (like moving out) or exit the relationship. You said his behaviors is not okay, how would you let him know that? If verbal communication doesn’t work, would you take a break from the relationship, or break up with him? Be mentally prepared. Be compassionate about your own needs. Set a limit of how much you are willing to take. And stick with it. Once you back off from the boundary you have set for yourself and communicated with him, your self esteem would take a big hit and he would learn that there are no consequences to do these &quot;not-okay&quot; things to you. Things could get worse from there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A final note - you can't save him. It's very common for us to want to save the people we love from his own misery. He might be a victim of early abuse himself, but he needs professional help to truly recover. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastEditorUserId="15507" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T06:47:24.807" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T06:47:24.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15969" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-29T07:41:36.810" Score="7" ViewCount="2412" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is something I've run into more times than I'm comfortable admitting, both in my party days and after... Someone takes a little too much of &lt;em&gt;some thing&lt;/em&gt; and suddenly the party is over...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation instantly brings out a tornado of really awful interpersonal interactions. There are those that are terrified of the police showing up, so much so, that they'll run and leave them to die. There are those that think it's &quot;no big deal&quot;, they've seen SoAndSo take way more than that, and assume they'll sleep it off and be fine in the morning. There are those that just want to dump them at the closest hospital and pretend that the whole thing never happened. There are those who flat out panic, scream and lose it completely. And so on, and so forth...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you manage all of these reactions when someone is potentially dying of an overdose?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T12:14:18.530" LastActivityDate="2018-07-01T19:27:18.877" Title="How to manage people's reactions when someone is potentially dying of an overdose?" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;parties&gt;&lt;drunken-people&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15971" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15991" CreationDate="2018-06-29T08:04:09.663" Score="35" ViewCount="9750" Body="&lt;p&gt;We, people of a multi-story apartment complex are fed up with this lady who calls herself a dog lover. She never takes steps to sterilize, vaccinate them, or arrange for their shelter or food. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She only feeds them raw meat (leftovers), glucose biscuits etc. Due to a lack of food and nutrition, the dogs are getting mad, and bite kids and elderly people. When we tried to get rid of them on our own, she complained to a People for Animals organization against us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She doesn't have kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we convince her that dogs are dangerous to kids, even if they are vaccinated. We are vaccinated against rabies but fear getting bitten could kill a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We spoke to this lady but she said she will keep doing her bit and make sure dogs never sleep hungry. When we said dogs are biting 5 year olds, she said because your kids pokes them and provoke them. She also called PFA and they were also speaking her language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19289" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T05:01:09.743" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:24:08.837" Title="How to tell a lady that she is doing wrong by inviting/feeding street dogs?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15971" CreationDate="2018-06-29T08:39:24.763" Score="21" Body="&lt;h1&gt;If they are dangerous&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the dogs are truly a danger to you or anyone else contact the building manager or the tenants council (the people who live in the building that manage affairs) and have them removed. If she is not feeding or mistreating the dogs you can report her to animal cruelty or animal welfare charities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;If they're not&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we convince her that dogs are dangerous for kids, even if they are vaccinated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the dogs aren't actually dangerous (no health problems is not violent) then there's not much you can do. There's little chance of convincing someone that something they love and care about is dangerous especially as she probably knows a lot more about dogs than you do. There are around 16 million households with dogs in the UK (&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.statista.com/statistics/308218/leading-ten-pets-ranked-by-household-ownership-in-the-united-kingdom-uk/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Source&lt;/a&gt;) and the number of deaths per year is an average of 2.2 (&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatal_dog_attacks_in_England_and_Wales&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Source&lt;/a&gt;). Dogs are not intrinsically dangerous, that is just your opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I've lived in buildings where animals have been a problem before).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18317" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T20:25:38.190" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15953" CreationDate="2018-06-29T09:42:21.610" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, we cannot control and change people, though we can influence them, we cannot change some die hard habits and we just have to accept some people as the way they are...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice should consider that Becky might not want to change and accept that Becky is the way she is. &#xA;Is Alice willing to apologize? Though Becky might seem at fault here, ending a friendship with a big fight is never right on both sides, and 1 side have to sometimes give in for the better of both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like Alice needs Becky and this is a friendship worth saving, there's a good chance Becky misses having Alice by her side too and wants to save the friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice can definitely try contacting Becky first if she would respond and strike a conversation asking about how Becky is doing... maybe followed by asking Becky out for a talk. We do not know how Becky is now, perhaps she has learnt her lesson and changed, perhaps she is still the way she is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting that conversation with Becky, keep it light, do not go into the past or whatever made them leave each other, know more about her situation, what has been happening in her life. If Becky shows sign of interests in recovering the friendship, she will keep the conversation going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Even if their friendship patches back to like it was,&lt;/strong&gt; Alice should be mentally prepared that Becky might still remain the way she is, which honestly can turn out annoying, but on the bright side, Becky might just be caring for Alice as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, this is just my personal take. It would be good to wait out and hear from others on what they have to say and suggest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19280" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T09:42:21.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15975" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15979" CreationDate="2018-06-29T09:48:03.683" Score="49" ViewCount="16454" Body="&lt;p&gt;Preface: I am an incredibly passionate and competitive soccer player. I absolutely despise losing and I love a good physical and mental battle when playing on the pitch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, a new friend of mine started up a 5-a-side soccer session in which a group of his friends (that I had never met) would meet up and play a game for an hour twice a week. He invited me to come along as they were short one evening about a month ago and it has been a brilliant, enjoyable few weeks playing with them. (I am the youngest player at 21, and ages range up to 40 years old)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he asked me to play initially, I mentioned to him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I take playing soccer very seriously and change into a different person playing, nothing I say while playing should be taken to heart and if you're okay with that I'd love to play &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am generally easy-going although stubborn in day-to-day life, when playing football I have an innate need to win. Because of this, when playing on a with or against someone that doesn't seem to be interested I will vocally (and probably borderline aggressively) tell them to come on and put some effort in while playing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally this is taken quite well as just me being passionate while playing, however when a new person (approx 34/35) joined the last session and I shouted to put some effort in he seemed to be quite stunned and taken aback that I had confronted him on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After each session we usually have a few drinks and chat about games etc that are on and I have made some great friends because of this, but this new guy flat out refused to speak to me after the game because he &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;didn't want to be friends with a younger person who thinks he can boss people older than him around&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to explain that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I had no intention of bossing him around and I'm sorry he thought that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but he did not listen and has ignored me since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not worried about making up with this person as I only see him for an hour or two at soccer a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The general consensus of the group is for a serious game but with lighthearted fun in between. Is there a way of changing a persons understanding of what I say in an interpersonal way? The rest of the group understood what I was going to be like before I played as my friend told them what I said. Is the best way to just outright say it to a new member or is there an easier/more conventional way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is &lt;strong&gt;How can I ensure the people I am playing with know that what I say on the pitch is not a personal attack but rather a passionate remark with no lasting intention?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&#xA;Okay, a lot of people seem to think that I am being abusive to the people I am playing with. The regular crew of people that play are 100% serious and want to play to the best of their ability and it is absolutely perfect for me and we all get along great. The problem came when a new person showed up and took my 'passionate encouragement' to heart. I understand i can come across very strong (especially when losing) and I am not justifying that it's okay to give out to people. I just want to say that what I said to him was more along the lines of &quot;Come on man you can play so much better than this, put some work in&quot; rather than a personal insult to the man. I'm not asking for a solution to insulting someone with no consequences while on the pitch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution:&#xA;Thank you all so much for your answers. I guess all I need was a ton of strangers on SE to tell me that it is in fact my behaviour that needs changing and not pushing the blame to the opinion of the others I play with. I will now be making a conscious decision when playing to tone myself down and play nicer. Thank you all :D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19129" LastEditorUserId="19129" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T10:36:51.527" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T19:41:52.600" Title="How can I ensure people know 'What happens on the pitch stays on the pitch&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;groups&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15976" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15962" CreationDate="2018-06-29T09:49:20.063" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to address what I see as the most important part of this question, and that's that you were wearing a branded shirt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Branded shirts are a whole different issue than a random compliment on your outfit. Some sub-cultures have well defined and established rules for when you should wear their shirts and when you should not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;References below, but some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally in the US it's expected that if you're wearing a university shirt you have some interest in that university (Went there, going there, want to go there, support their athletic team(s), have a child/sibling that goes there, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overseas, it's very different. I frequently see people wearing university shirts that they didn't attend because it's very popular to do so. I'm an American living in Leamington Spa England, and when I see someone wearing a University of Arkansas shirt and I say 'Woo Pig' to them and they look at me like I'm crazy, it's a little offensive. However, culturally what they're doing over here is perfectly fine and acceptable (and they're very unlikely to run into many alumni.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Running shirts are also another culture where there are set, defined rules.  You shouldn't wear a race shirt on the day of the race (it's considered anything from offensive, to bad luck, to arrogant by other runners).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not attire, specifically, but travelers frequently display flags of the countries they been on. Usually on a pack, but sometimes on a jacket or other article of clothing. It would not be unusual for me to have someone ask about my Morocco flag, if it was the only flag on my pack that they haven't been to. They might ask what I did there, whether I enjoyed it, and whether I'd recommend it to others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, when it comes specifically to the growing 'nerd-culture' shirts, more and more it's becoming a similar sub-culture where wearing a shirt says, to many people, that you like said thing. I have a Firefly shirt (the TV show), that's a spaceship inside of a jar with holes in the top. I get more comments on it than any other shirt I own. Some people are curious what it means, some people just say &quot;Nice shirt!&quot;, and others just look at me and say, &quot;Man, I miss that show.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rarely does this conversation go anywhere other than that, and I feel like you over explained by saying you're not a Star Wars fan. Shirts like that are a conversation starter, and many (but not all) people will assume that it means you have something in common.  A simple &quot;Thank you&quot; would suffice for 99% of the people you come into contact with and they wouldn't say much more in response. If someone presses and really wants to get into a discussion about Star Wars, then what you said is completely appropriate, but I might turn it into more of a joke to smooth things over:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, it's a funny story really. I've not even seen Star Wars, but my aunt bought it for me because I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid and now it's one of my favorite shirts!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you can be honest, don't downplay the importance of their interest in the subject matter, and you get to share a laugh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Running Shirt Etiquette: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.psychowyco.com/id74.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.psychowyco.com/id74.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stack Exchange Discussion about University Shirts: &lt;a href=&quot;https://academia.stackexchange.com/questions/41427/does-wearing-a-university-t-shirt-imply-that-the-wearer-is-affiliated-with-the-u&quot;&gt;https://academia.stackexchange.com/questions/41427/does-wearing-a-university-t-shirt-imply-that-the-wearer-is-affiliated-with-the-u&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T09:49:20.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15977" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15978" CreationDate="2018-06-29T10:09:51.777" Score="2" ViewCount="1142" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm dating a girl with the goal of finding a girlfriend. She told me before that it's weird for her to kind of be in a relationship but not properly. I thought she meant that the beginning phase of a relationship is weird to her but yesterday she hinted to be pretty heavily that she expects an explicit start of our relationship, meaning that I have to ask her for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought this kind of thing always happens implicitly. Apparently, I was wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some context: We're pretty young (She's 18; I'm 23.) and are German.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: How do I ask her for a relationship? I'm not asking about how to find out whether she wants to be my girlfriend; I already know that she does. I'm asking about how to put it in words. Is the sentence &quot;Willst du mit mir gehen?&quot; still something people say?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7904" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T14:46:51.400" Title="How to ask a girl for a relationship" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-06-29T17:27:08.660" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15977" CreationDate="2018-06-29T10:18:48.430" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;At first, the sentence &quot;Willst du mit mir gehen?&quot; is not something younger people might understand. You should be more direct with something like &quot;Willst du mit mir zusammen sein?&quot; or &quot;Willst du meine Freundin sein?&quot;. This way you avoid any awkward confusion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now we got what you should say. Lets go to the part of &lt;strong&gt;when&lt;/strong&gt;. I would do it in a more romantic moment where you are maybe kissing for a while and the lights are a bit dim (this is my preference). I would strongly advise against a situation where you are in a hurry to get somewhere or need something done as this can totally ruin the atmosphere of the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To summarize:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Romantic atmosphere with no time pressure whatsoever&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clearly state your intentions with a sentence that leaves no room for guessing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;English translation for both sentences:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Willst du mit mir zusammen sein?&quot; - &quot;Do you want to be (in a relationship) with me?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Willst du meine Freundin sein?&quot; - &quot;Do you want to be my girlfriend?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastEditorUserId="6097" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T13:22:24.243" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T13:22:24.243" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15975" CreationDate="2018-06-29T10:18:57.977" Score="167" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;What happens on the pitch stays on the pitch&quot; is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; opinion, but not theirs. If this guy doesn't like what you say on the pitch and is offended by it, your choices are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remove him from the team (good luck trying this)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look for a team that shares your attitude&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignore what he thinks about you (he might make it hard for you to ignore)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tone down what you say on the pitch&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally would recommend the last option. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try looking at the situation from their point of view. If someone plays football to have a bit of fun, and to keep fit, then what you are doing will spoil their fun and enjoyment of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you say something, what matters is not your intent, but how the other person understands it. The other person sees your remark as a personal attack. That's what counts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T20:59:22.820" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T20:59:22.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15980" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15975" CreationDate="2018-06-29T10:32:35.207" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;This can happen a lot in competitive sports, hobbies and games. A clash of personalities can mean two people who enjoy something cannot play it together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to play a game called Minecraft online with a few friends (open-world, can involve a lot of building structures and/or exploration). One of our group was more passionate about the game than the rest of us; he favoured careful meticulous planning of building a strong base whereas I and my friends preferred to focus on exploration and build more humble ad-hoc dwellings when needed. The 'serious' friend got frustrated with us because - despite not directly hindering his own work - he complained that we were not taking things seriously. He offered advice and resources to 'help us' build structures more like his, which we politely declined as we found more fun in the exploration aspect. When we next met in person, I asked if he was genuinely annoyed at how different our approaches to the game were. He apologised and suggested that while he will still do things his way, he will try to be less imposing on us. We all enjoy the game, but in different ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address your situation, it's important to understand that people take part in these activities for different reasons and to varying degrees of seriousness and effort. As you have described yourself, it appears that you take the game more seriously than most. You can explain to them outside of games that you thoroughly enjoy playing and hate to lose, but if the majority of your teammates are not taking it seriously and just want to have fun, you will inevitably isolate yourself by being the only one with a different attitude. Make them aware of this part of your personality outside of the games as well as during &lt;em&gt;(you don't transform into a different person on the field after all!)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can explain to people calmly but firmly that your attitude to play might be different from their own, but if they are not keen on accepting what &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; become an apology-in-advance, your best solution would be to find other like-minded players to play with instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T10:32:35.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15943" CreationDate="2018-06-29T10:53:51.680" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless you are the bouncer or bartender or some other employee, you don't.  You either talk to an employee, asking them to do something about it or you let it be, leaving if it disturbs you sufficiently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't limited to dealing with loud drunks.  You don't tell other adults what to do. You complain to someone that has the authority to tell them what to do, or you live with it one way or another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Random people that stop by to tell you what you should do, should be at the least be ignored...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="470" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T10:53:51.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15971" CreationDate="2018-06-29T11:05:23.030" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there are laws in your country about stray dogs, then you should be able to contact your local authorities, and insist that they are removed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could perhaps point out to this lady, that if she prevents the dogs from being removed, and encourages them to hang-around by feeding them, then she could be sued if one of the dogs were to harm someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure whether in practice you could actually do this, but I would certainly try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also point out that what she's feeding them, is very harmful for their health. If she genuinely cares for the dogs, she should be buying proper, healthy dog food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T11:05:23.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15986" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="15993" CreationDate="2018-06-29T12:26:29.197" Score="1" ViewCount="465" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a tendency to consider incidents that happened in the past as &quot;Let bygones be bygones.&quot; And I try to move on. But, when the opposite person involved in the incident doesn't seem to think on the same lines, a kind of unpleasant friction arises between us. This becomes very awkward, especially so when we face each other after quite a few years. Clearly, they have not moved on and still want to indulge in something that would boost their ego. But, I have clearly forgotten about such incidents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The incidents could be anything related to teasing each other, making fun of them which they could or couldn't reciprocate or just anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, I have witnessed one such person. When I met that person, I was very normal but s/he was not and said something demeaning to me. I was initially taken aback at that and later I understood that making such statements boosted their ego. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then there was yet another person who was giving me death stares after a good five years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was wondering is it really worth to remember every single incident that happened in my life. If I can't, and if I come across such persons, how do I deal with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a tendency to overlook things, I guess I encounter problems because of this. &#xA;While I am trying to remember how I am going to interact with people even for the first time, I want to know how to deal with people who surprise me suddenly with their 'ego-boosting' behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: What is it that I want? I do realize that we cannot get along with everyone. I need to develop more awareness about myself with that aspect. As the same time, I understand that my conversations rather diversions from their self-centered discussions was one of the reasons for their nasty behavior even after quite a few years. What I would really like to know is how do I evade these self-centered discussions? There is always one person such person whom I encounter at a professional level or at personal level. It is not always possible to not to be part of their discussion. They could be my peers, my relatives, my seniors or juniors, just any random person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All I can think of is to keep mum to prevent any unpleasantness at a later point of time/life. Will that be the only step I need to take?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am adding the context as requested. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kindly note the person(s) I have mentioned about are very much self-centered. They have the knack to pull people towards them with their persona and mislead them. At the same time, they try to center all the conversations around them, could be their own family members, or their own office related work or their own lifestyle. Anything at all, and it has to be around them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I met the person, many years ago, I found the self-centered discussions uninteresting and diverted to various other topics. This person would keep mum, staring nastily at me all the time, because the attention of the group was diverted towards me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that moment, I didn't think much about that diversion, but I did realize later that the person's ego was hurt and since s/he couldn't do anything about it, grudge built up. I was cool as a cucumber but s/he wasn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was no bullying involved. It was mostly diverting the discussion from their self-centered ones to a wide range ones. And I did make fun of them too because I was just giving it back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18643" LastEditorUserId="18643" LastEditDate="2018-06-30T04:06:22.927" LastActivityDate="2018-06-30T04:06:22.927" Title="Dealing with people who do not see things that happened in the past as 'Past is Past'" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-06-29T14:47:14.980" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15987" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-29T13:09:56.400" Score="15" ViewCount="1786" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was recently hired for this awesome job. My boss is in another location in the country which requires me to teleconference with her. Her time zone is a few hours behind mine and since she is so busy in the morning, she tends to call in the afternoon. Unfortunately, this means that she usually calls towards the end of my shift. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our conversations/her training usually last around two hours. Due to the way she speaks, it's impossible getting a break in the conversation, especially since I'm not really assertive. I'm usually the last person at work because of this. She is so sweet too so I feel awful for cutting the conversation short. I expect our conversations to be shorter the longer I am at this job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in the meantime, do you have any suggestions on how to approach this with her? Sometimes before the conversation starts, I let her know what time I have to leave, but that doesn't change much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19295" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T13:27:46.400" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T23:05:44.827" Title="How to end a work conversation on the phone?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15989" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15986" CreationDate="2018-06-29T13:34:18.710" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;(I'm sorry if my English is poor)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you shouldn't make the assumption they only did that to boost their ego, it is very insensitive from you. If they haven't forgiven the past event it's also maybe because they do not consider the event the same way as you do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For you it was a small tease, a little harmless mockery but it might have been more for them. I am saying so because I can relate a little to that. When I was younger I was bullied, nothing physical, but mockery. For the other child point of view it was maybe not very important but it did hurt me a lot. Years passed and I know that if I were to meet the guy again I would still feel resent. Not because I want to feel self important, but because he never apologized and recognize he did something wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not saying say that we should never tease anyone, but you have to consider how other people feel. And that they might not react the same way as you do to the teasing. Because they experienced different things than you. Teasing is fine but not if it the person feels offended or hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To go back to your question : if you meet someone that seems to resent you for something. Don't assume they are doing it out of ego because it is very incentive from you. Werther you know the reason of their resent or not, apologies. It does not cost anything and they might forgive you and move on. Something like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry if I hurt you when I teased you last time. I didn't realize I was being insensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know why they resent you then you can ask them. They might get even angrier since you did not even remember what you did wrong but it might help them to forget the event and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then again, you can also meet very resentful people, that want to get back at you even if you apologies. If they won't forgive you after apologizing, just move on. We all have people we will never get along with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After edit from OP :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The people you describe seem to be very self-centered people not to say narcissistic people . They resent you for hurting their ego. A part from putting own ego aside and admit you were the only one doing the wrong, you cannot do much. I would recommend you to just avoid this kind of narcissistic people, because you won't get anything good from them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17492" LastEditorUserId="17492" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T14:08:57.460" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T14:08:57.460" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15987" CreationDate="2018-06-29T13:45:09.513" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you can't change the timing of these phone calls, then whenever you start the call make sure to warn your boss of your time limits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Boss! Before we start I just want to give you a heads up that I need to leave by 5pm. I'll keep an eye on the clock to make sure we don't go over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you continue your conversation as normal. If she doesn't keep track of the time, then you'll need to say something. You say that it's impossible to get a break in the conversation, so you may need to just cut her off and interrupt. This will mean you'll have to be assertive too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, Boss, I'm sorry to cut you off but I really need to get going. Can we continue this conversation tomorrow? When is a good time for me to call you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be uncomfortable, but if you are serious about keeping your schedule, then you will need to push back some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1959" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T13:45:09.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15991" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15971" CreationDate="2018-06-29T13:46:56.027" Score="47" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the dogs are getting mad, and bite kids and elderly people&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sentence alone means that the time to be nice is over. I have children and was faced with a similar situation before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, call the police. Tell them that &lt;strong&gt;this lady's&lt;/strong&gt; dogs are attacking people. Not stray dogs, but hers. If she denies then they are good to go to the shelter. You will probably have a few backers on your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if this doesn't stop I would personally threaten her with the fact that she will be sued, which means money and possibly jail&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry but there is a limit to everything. I love animals, had and have dogs and cats but there are priorities. Philosophical approaches work until a kid is seriously wounded and suddenly it is the fist of the father which helps her to understand that she lives in a society with more than herself and her dogs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: just to be extra clear&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;and suddenly it is the fist of the father which helps her to understand that she lives in a society with more than herself and her dogs&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is the &lt;strong&gt;unfortunate consequence&lt;/strong&gt; which may arise if she is not stopped quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is certainly not the right thing to do, not because she does not deserve it (she does by being an indirect threat to the children) but because there are better ways to effectively stop her (like placing her in a psychiatric hospital where she belongs). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to see the supporters of the kind and soft approach to this idiot lady explain their philosophy to the parent of the child who has been bitten on the face by one of these dogs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: the tag &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/india&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;india&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;india&lt;/a&gt; has been added after my answer was posted, which answer is indeed directed towards a &quot;Western culture&quot; (for lack of a better name)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastEditorUserId="1871" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T14:28:54.787" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T14:28:54.787" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15971" CreationDate="2018-06-29T14:00:59.680" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're talking to the wrong person about feeding street dogs. Call Animal control. Problem solved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have animal control, you could try just feeding the dogs correctly so they don't get mad. The key thing to realize here is that your neighbor is being willfully stupid and any effective solution to this problem will involve going around her, and, since it sounds like you live in America, she's probably going to make you look bad, since America often rewards opinionated foolishness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still want to explain to your neighbor why what she did was wrong, just make her an informational flier or something. You can have the conversation with her if you want, but no level of explanation is going to get her to stop. If you do choose to have the conversation, make sure you construct a logical argument - it is an argument - and provide real world examples of your points, i.e. it is bad to not neuter your pets and strays because dogs can get very painful std's or bring puppies into the world that will simply starve/freeze due to the parent's poor condition and inability to care for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13972" LastEditorDisplayName="user13972" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T16:34:12.927" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T16:34:12.927" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15986" CreationDate="2018-06-29T14:29:40.900" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It doesn't sound like these later meetings with people are strongly related to specific, individual events (at least from what you've posted in your edits) where they felt wronged. If someone is giving you a &quot;death stare&quot; and not telling you why then it is only your &lt;em&gt;guess&lt;/em&gt; that it's due to a specific event. It sounds more like these people simply don't like you very much based on your past interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Even if&lt;/em&gt; we accept your description of events as being 100% true in every detail, the self-centered person you described wanted something (a conversation about his/herself), you perceived this desire, decided it was boring to you, and then actively prevented that person from having what they wanted (by redirecting the conversation, though you also mentioned that you focused the group's attention on yourself, which could irritate such a person).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your post suggests that you were aware of all of this at the time. I don't know that it should be &lt;em&gt;surprising&lt;/em&gt; that such a person has negative feelings about you as a someone to interact with, and is therefore less than friendly when you meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also wrote that &quot;And I did make fun of them too because I was just giving it back.&quot; This sort of thing can be hard to evaluate. Even if people are teasing one another in a group that doesn't mean that &lt;em&gt;absolutely anything&lt;/em&gt; you say is appropriate. It's definitely possible that you said something which was more hurtful or upsetting than you intended, and possibly out of proportion to the others' teasing. This happened to me a lot when I was younger-- I was nervous about participating in conversations, especially friendly teasing with people I didn't know well, and some of my attempts went very differently from how I expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of those produced specific issues to be dealt with (&quot;I was really upset when you said [X]&quot;) and some of them produced people that disliked me (&quot;Upper_Case is just a jerk, and so that's how I treat him&quot;). The former is fixable, the latter is harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, your actual questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I avoid being surprised by these unpleasant interactions?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit more awareness, of yourself and of others, might help. The surprise sounds more like an issue with your expectations than anything else. I don't understand why you would expect a second meeting with the self-centered converser to be anything but negative based on what you posted alone. It could be even worse than that if the teasing got out of hand. It is also absolutely possible that you are more abrasive than you realize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people don't get along with some people, and when that seems to be the case it shouldn't be shocking that you continue to have friction with someone you already suspect dislikes you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I deal with it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignore it. These are people that you already dislike and that seem to already dislike you. I don't see why you would even start an interaction with them, let alone continue one under unpleasant conditions. But if you have to interact I don't see many options to change their opinion of you on the spot, and if they aren't bringing up a specific complaint or explanation for their behavior I don't see much else you can do. You could ask about it, but that extends the interaction and your &quot;past is past&quot; attitude suggests to me that you wouldn't care to address their complaint anyhow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T14:29:40.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15994" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15940" CreationDate="2018-06-29T14:37:31.290" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Frame challenge: You can't de-escalate because this person is actively looking to pick a fight with or bully you for whatever reason (which may not even be related to you). They want tension and drama or just the feeling of superiority. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since their comments are pretty hostile, I'd escalate this to your supervisor/manager:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey [boss], do you have 5 minutes? For whatever reason, Bob started making negative remarks to others about me when I'm within earshot. For example he said that my work wasn't real work and that I shouldn't be paid for it. I'm worried that this will have a negative effect when I collaborate with Bob and the rest of the team. What should I do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had similar problems with a colleague who told my boss that e.g. I was trying to harm the company or was not capable of doing my job &lt;em&gt;while I was sitting right next to them&lt;/em&gt;. I refused to engage in his power games and (luckily) my boss had my back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These situations (to my knowledge) occurred when the colleague was stressed out or in pain, which I took to be a contributing factor for removing his filters. But, ultimately, it was none of my concern why it happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boss doesn't have your back count your blessings: you'll be leaving in 2 months ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T14:37:31.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15995" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15977" CreationDate="2018-06-29T14:46:51.400" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your approach of starting a relationship implicit is not wrong. You do not get a relationship by declaration, because you can not declare feelings / attraction...&#xA;But you can declare your relationship as official, telling your family, friends, stranges who ask, that you are in a relationship. This leads to several possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You can ask her how she views the relationship of you (&quot;Do you consider us as a couple?&quot;). I did that myself with my current girlfriend and it worked. However this is not really romantic, so if she is a romance girl, I would not do it. There is also an advantage if she says no, because there is no rejection which can make things akward. But if she is shy, she might be afraid of saying &quot;I think we are a couple.&quot;, although she wants to be one.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask her if she wants to be your girlfriend (&quot;Do you want to be my girlfriend?&quot;). This is more romantic, considering her being young, it is a suitable approach in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her that you see her and you as a couple. (&quot;I think we can call ourselfs boyfriend and girlfriend!&quot;).&#xA;This is not romantic aswell, but makes it easier for her to agree, in comparison with the first suggestion.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also consider the surroundings while asking, if she likes romance, you can ask her after a nice dinner (or what ever she considers romantic e.g. bring flowers). If both of you are not so much into romance just ask her during a date at home. &#xA;Most important point is, to do it in a way, which suits your personality! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Willst du mit mir gehen?&quot; is a expression, which is more for teens (in my opinion and regarding experience with friends). &quot;Willst du meine Freundin sein?&quot; or &quot;Willst du mir mir zusammen sein?&quot; would be more suitable I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS.: Good Luck :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11838" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T14:46:51.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15886" CreationDate="2018-06-29T15:05:32.997" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Each answer here is excellent. However, you could also simply send the other parents a note with a message something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dear Parents,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My name is XtremeBaumer. I'm Alice's mother. Our children have played together all year at Little Angels' Preschool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As we're coming to the end of the year, Alice has mentioned that she will miss her friends over the summer. Since they've spent so much time together this year, I thought it might be nice to have some group playdates or other activities over the summer. Some ideas might be meeting at someone's home (I'd be willing to host the first one) or group outings to the park. I'm also open to other suggestions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My contact information is....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I look forward to hearing from you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is a class email list, you could send this out as an email. You could also ask your daughter's caregiver to send it out, or even send it to school as a note on paper and ask that a copy be given to each parent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3826" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T15:05:32.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15975" CreationDate="2018-06-29T15:12:41.790" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This will be difficult to impossible to do. I strongly suggest that you chat with new players a bit before the game and let them know that you tend to get very passionate and that nothing personal is meant during the game. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Elgin discusses this issue in her book &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0880290307&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense&lt;/a&gt; and she makes the claim that the sporting metaphor is a significant cause of communication issues between genders. Women tend to see a disconnect between sports and other activities, while men tend to see sports as a metaphor for all activities.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19300" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T15:12:41.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15971" CreationDate="2018-06-29T15:26:19.273" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Appeal to her empathy and grace. She obviously cares to avoid having dogs suffer - why else take the time to feed dogs you could otherwise ignore?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear to her that by feeding these dogs, she is actually doing them harm. Bring up how dogs who are encourages to congregate and who aren't neutered are likely to lead to more and more dogs, all of whom need to complete for resources. By feeding those few dogs, she is encouraging generations of dogs who will grow up, starve, and die in the gutters, unloved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point out that there are many, many ways she can help stray dogs that DON'T lead to negative outcomes for those dogs and more - she can donate to dog charities who operate on a neuter and release program, or who house stray dogs and re-home them. Help her connect with resources that can help her focus her efforts into a truly helpful manner. You'll get a lot more progress playing towards her interests and hopes than you will trying to get her to suddenly stop caring for dogs that she perceives as being in need. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11903" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T15:26:19.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="15999" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15975" CreationDate="2018-06-29T15:38:01.793" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I played at (an all-boys) school a teacher (a.k.a. &quot;games master&quot;) might shout things like &quot;come on, you old woman!&quot; to spur us on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That kind of exhortation could be socially offensive though, e.g. seen in the context of ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;a younger person who thinks he can boss people older than him around&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... as if he were their teacher or boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That (age difference, social position) may matter to some people and/or in some societies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also your being younger and fitter might make it seem as if you're bullying someone for their (age-related) disability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you can take liberties -- call someone an ass, for example, for making a mistake -- but only with their implicit permission. There's not much you can do to require people to accept your criticism or even to like you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest an apology along the lines of &quot;Sorry I was rude&quot; and &quot;I won't say that again (or not to you, at least)&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Incidentally there's a &quot;Same Page Tool&quot; frequently mentioned on &lt;a href=&quot;https://rpg.stackexchange.com/search?q=same+page&quot;&gt;RPG.SE&lt;/a&gt; as a solution to interpersonal (inter-player) conflict during role-playing games: are we all playing the same &quot;game&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also suggest you reevaluate the point of the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of a &quot;friendly&quot; is not to be competitive, and win, and criticise: it's to be friendly, and to play in a way that other people will want to play and want to play with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I suggest you change what you permit yourself say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No! You stupid ****. Put some effort into it! ****, we're gonna lose again. :-(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes! Charles! Nice try, way to go! Yeah we're just getting started now! :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you did that you wouldn't have to pretend to be Jekyll and Hyde, and to ask people to forgive and forget what you tell them on the field, i.e. instead you could be equally supportive and friendly on and off the field.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I doubt your attitude is &quot;innate&quot;, instead I assume it's learned (and that you can learn different).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option for you might be to find a competitive team/league to play in, instead of more friendly kick-abouts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastEditorUserId="9053" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T18:05:04.407" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T18:05:04.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15930" CreationDate="2018-06-29T17:34:45.800" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All this backstory leads to the question: can I help him develop the&#xA;  kind of skills that would help him fulfill this need of mine? How&#xA;  specifically would I go about helping build those skills?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to accept that you probably can't.  You have a naturally analytical mind, and enjoy mentally tearing things apart to understand how they work.  It sounds like he does not.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He also shared what he called his greatest fear: that I would realize&#xA;  I was too smart for him and leave. I reassured him immediately and&#xA;  emphatically that this wasn't the case, that I loved him, and that he&#xA;  is also an intelligent person and possess more intelligence than I do&#xA;  in a number of cases (emotional intelligence comes immediately to&#xA;  mind).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't a question of smarts, certainly not about anything that can be measured by a grade.  This is about you being an intellectual, and him not being one.  One's spouse does not have to be everything to a person, they don't have to fill every role.  But I really doubt that this guy will ever fill the role of &quot;someone you can dissect a movie with&quot;.  And I doubt a book club is going to change that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was faced with the question &quot;Is this kind of conversation a need of mine in a romantic relationship?&quot; I'm afraid that if I'm honest with myself, the answer is probably yes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember all those movie tropes you know about?  You know the trope about how a couple that loves each other can fix everything and be happy together just before the credits roll?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, this might be the time in your life when you learn that real life doesn't work like that.  You can love someone, and that person might still not be the right life partner for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastEditorUserId="10208" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T16:15:40.547" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T16:15:40.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15987" CreationDate="2018-06-29T17:54:16.173" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem seems to be that these conversations go on too long and you say you can't find a break in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest to help your boss create a break in the conversation since you are having trouble cutting off the conversation. If there is like 10 minutes before you need to go, say something like...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I need to go soon so can you try to wrap up this point/topic/thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This signals to your boss that you need to go soon but allows them to end the conversation themselves. This may make your boss avoid opening another topic and finish the conversation but if your boss brings up another topic during this, ask your boss to write it down to continue that topic the next day and have them finish their previous topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is also still time left after they wrap it up, go over what they talked about or review what you plan on discussing next time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15959" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T17:54:16.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15971" CreationDate="2018-06-29T18:29:41.783" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you mention you all have had the Rabies Vaccine I assume you are in India.  There are some significant cultural challenges.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest rather then trying to keep her from &quot;helping&quot; the dogs get her involved in an organization that actually does help the dogs. There are some pointers in this sister site post at pet.se &lt;a href=&quot;https://pets.stackexchange.com/questions/19907/helping-stray-animals-in-india&quot;&gt;Helping stray animals in India&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should give her direction on how to actually be helpful, from people she should be able to learn from, based on their shared love of animals.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not saying you don't love animals, saying she thinks you don't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="51" LastEditorUserId="51" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T10:46:04.030" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T10:46:04.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16006" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15987" CreationDate="2018-06-29T18:59:28.990" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off: any meeting that lasts more than an hour (some would say 45 minutes) is poorly planned. I would NOT mention that to your boss. Try to generate an agenda for these calls so that you both can stay on topic rather than just jabbering for two hours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the course of my career, I've frequently found myself offsetting my work day to more closely align with that of any remote teams or coworkers. At one job, I worked with a team with a seven hour time difference. Not impossible to handle, but if I had tried to plan a meeting in my afternoon (late at night for them), I probably would've been skewered. &lt;strong&gt;Suggesting an alternate time for the call is a good idea.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're new in this position, I'd be very careful saying things like &quot;I have to go at X time&quot; to your boss, as this can come across as being lazy or uncommitted. A better solution may be to propose an alternate meeting time, perhaps an hour earlier than your current arrangement, and make sure you have an agenda ready. This is crucial to having brief, useful meetings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it's not clear from your post if these calls are scheduled, or if your manager just calls when it is convenient. If it's the former, proposing an alternate time is perfectly acceptable. If the latter, well, suggest to her that the call should be scheduled. If you're too uncomfortable to suggest this directly to her, create a meeting on your Outlook (or whatever) calendar, with yourself and your manager as the attendees. She can move it on her calendar or propose an alternate time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that managers have multiple employees, and typically also &quot;real work&quot; to handle in addition to managing. You'll probably be doing her a favor by setting expectations on times and duration. (ProTip: &quot;setting expectations&quot; is key to success in every career.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Important&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is as much her problem as it is yours. Part of being a manager, working with a geographically distributed team, is handling time differences. This has been a solved problem for decades. And, she may be as flustered as you are, but unaware of the difficulties it's causing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;/rant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13681" LastEditorUserId="13681" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T23:05:44.827" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T23:05:44.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15975" CreationDate="2018-06-29T19:14:45.867" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was younger (as a child and through most of my teens) I did a lot of ski racing. It's a sport I enjoyed and I trained on the snow every weekend during the winter, and I'd do some physical training with my team in the fall months leading up to the ski season. The thing is, I'm not competitive by nature, not nearly as much as many of my team mates were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I trained because I enjoyed the sport, I wanted to improve my skiing and myself as a whole. I have a feeling this is a similar perspective that this new player on your team had. I didn't set out to win every race I went to, as some of my team mates did, and as you are trying to win every match.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The coaches I had through the years knew/noticed this and they adapted their training. They still gave me all the of great tips on improving my technique and they still pushed me towards improvement but with perhaps less intensity than they would when speaking to other athletes. And that's what made everything work: I was kept interested, everyone in the team was in an environment that matched their wants and needs and everyone was happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my situation is a bit different as skiing is an individual sport, and my results don't affect the other team members, but the concept remains the same: it's up to you to do as my coaches did and &lt;strong&gt;adapt your speech to what will best resonate with each member of your team&lt;/strong&gt;. It doesn't mean you should give up on pushing him &lt;em&gt;a little bit&lt;/em&gt;, but gauge his and new members' enthusiasm levels before going all out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3441" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T19:14:45.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16008" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-06-29T20:45:36.410" Score="8" ViewCount="985" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have two close friends in the university, Alice and Bob, who I've known since the first year. As the weeks passed, I felt less and less apart of our little group and I think the reason was that they started to date so I felt a bit like the third wheel. Around the end of the first semester, they had a really bad break up. I asked both of them what happened but each told me a different story. Since then, I've spoken to and met each individually more and more regularly and have now formed a good, meaningful friendship with Alice and Bob, independent of each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their break up was almost two years ago. Alice told me that she is over it and she would not mind if the three of us were to get together sometime. Unfortunately, Bob is still very upset and he gets very angry if I mention Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We will have the state exams soon (almost the same time) and I told Alice how nice it would be to celebrate after the exams are done. I haven't even tried to present the idea to Bob yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I have no idea how to resolve this situation because I am really afraid to lose the friendship with one or both of them if I celebrate with the other person. I have only a few friends, but it makes me anxious even if I just think about making one of them sad or upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would like to find a way to celebrate with them, without harming the friendship with Bob or Alice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19310" LastEditorUserId="19310" LastEditDate="2018-06-30T07:19:47.190" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T07:31:32.563" Title="How do I stay friends with two people who are angry at one another?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16010" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15971" CreationDate="2018-06-29T22:08:38.017" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short of bringing in some variant of force (law enforcement, animal control, etc) or threat thereof, as several of the other answers suggest, you're going to need finesse and time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you get started, I &lt;em&gt;strongly&lt;/em&gt; recommend reading:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;How to Win Friends and Influence People&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Influence; The Psychology of Persuasion&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;anything you can find about using the Socratic Method to ask questions that help people discover flaws in their own views (if you can look beyond the subject matter of religion and generalize the principles from examples, &quot;A Manual for Creating Atheists&quot; is a good one).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;anything you can find about how compassion and empathy can be trained or increased. There's scientific literature and probably books covering it - the general gist is that people are often very empathetic &lt;em&gt;so long as you can prompt them to think about what things are like from your perspective&lt;/em&gt;, and usually the problem is that they just haven't thought to or don't understand your perspective enough to imagine it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the bare minimum. Getting people whose actions and life decisions you disagree with to change their behavior to your liking is a very non-trivial science and art form. No answer will properly sum up the principles involved - because they take several books to properly cover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, here's an overall scaffold, that I present with some hypothetical examples as a necessarily crude general gist of an approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;1 - Establish Friendliness and Understanding&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Strike up a &lt;em&gt;friendly/good-natured&lt;/em&gt; conversation with her, working quickly into something that shows her that you &lt;em&gt;understand and can relate&lt;/em&gt; to her perspective. Maybe:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I've noticed you feed the dogs regularly, you really care about them and their well-being, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've already given her a negative impression of you by challenging her on this topic before, start with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Listen, I'm sorry I was harsh towards you before about the dogs. I understand that you care about these dogs and that you only feed them because you want to help them have better lives, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people need to trust that you understand and relate before they become receptive to opening themselves up to your criticisms. And people really react poorly to being told they can't do something - most people's minds abhor limits that they did not choose or agree with (the most likely time for people to rebel against authority? Immediately after a freedom they previously had is noticeably taken away).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without a positive interpersonal foundation, &quot;Stop doing [x]&quot; is the worst of both: it implies you're wrong for wanting to do the thing, and tries to tell you you can't do that thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;2 - Turn All Your Disagreements into Questions&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I hear something wrong, I do my best to immediately ask myself in my head &quot;how could this be right?&quot;. I look real hard for any way I can turn ever perceived error in reasoning, judgment, or knowledge, into a question I can ask them. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, now one part I don't full understand, that I'm worried about: You know how when you go into forests and stuff they tell you not to feed bears because then they start thinking of people as sources of food? I understand that dogs are different and friendlier to people than wild animals, so maybe I'm missing something here: don't you think there's a risk of that happening with dogs?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if she says &quot;no&quot;, you keep looking for questions. Ideally, you figure out why she thinks that's not an issue, or even better, what other emotional associations she has invested in the issue. Once you don't see a clear path any further, you can straight-up introduce data-points in question form:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, I think I understand that [rephrase her reasoning while keeping seemingly significant words the same, then ask for confirmation]. Well, what about that kid that got bitten by one of the dogs the other day? You know these dogs better than I do, do you think that the kid did something wrong or might it be related?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or even:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, the reason I ask is because I've been noticing that whenever I go outside these dogs get closer to me, seemingly begging for food. I think they've been doing it more and more. Is it possible that the dogs are starting to expect a meal from humans in this apartment complex?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For best questions, don't follow these suggestions: Look inside yourself and really figure out what specific events or thoughts or experiences you have causing your concern about the dogs. Ask her about &lt;em&gt;those&lt;/em&gt;. For example, maybe you have an experience in your past where a dog got used to people feeding it and then bit you when you were a kid, or something like that. Or maybe you've had a close call with one of these current street dogs biting you or one of your kids. Tell that story, in a way that describes but does not accuse, and instead of finishing with &quot;and that's why you should stop&quot; finish with &quot;so that's why I am concerned - does that help make it clearer where I'm coming from?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And perhaps better still, stop focusing on the problem you care about, and get her to identify a problem that &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; cares about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you think will happen to these dogs once you've moved out of here? They seem so used to getting food from you, do you think they'll manage to find enough food in the wild on their own?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;..or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've noticed that some of the other residents have been getting very hostile to the dogs - do you ever worry that they might start calling animal control services on them, or that one of the dogs might bite a kid and end up being put down?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Important&lt;/strong&gt;: Most of these questions can sound disingenuous or passive-aggressive unless you've actually established yourself as being there to ask genuine questions. The last one can even come off as a &quot;would be a shame if someone were to... kill these dogs&quot; style threat, unless you're continuing to sustain an atmosphere of genuine inquiry and an air of being receptive to learning or changing your own views (it really helps with that if you genuinely are looking for answers and are open to the possibility that along the way you might revise your own position at least a little).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;3 - Help Her Find Solutions&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've got her acknowledging that the dog behavior is a problem, ask her about what &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; thinks she could do to help solve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Your&lt;/em&gt; solution is &quot;don't feed the dogs&quot;, but your actual problem isn't the dog-feeding, it's the dogs being in the neighborhood and becoming a possible threat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might decide that she wants to proactively train the dogs to only take food from her and not expect it from others (for example, by never giving them food except at a very specific spot in the apartment, or outside the apartment complex, while gradually teaching them to sit on her command in order to receive the food) or something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either her solution solves the problem, or it doesn't. If it's obvious the solution doesn't solve the problem, apply this same process to examining possible flaws in the solution and other alternatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or she'll decide on her own to stop feeding the dogs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;4 - Wait and Repeat&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a very good chance that a single conversation will not significantly change things. You'll need to be gentle but persistent, keep building the actual connection and occasionally bringing up the issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very often, the seeds you plant will take time to grow. Also, sometimes people exhibit gradually greater resistance to an idea in the lead-up to switching over to accepting it. Why this happens is outside the scope of this answer, but you need to understand that first and foremost, you need patience. Socratic Method -induced cognitive-dissonance-like resistance looks like the opposite of progress but it's just the person processing things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But&lt;/strong&gt; if you get impatient, if you start regressing into proclamations and assertions of her being wrong or into insistence or demands for a specific solution, you will antagonize her against those ideas, and disagreement-galvanized resistance &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; the opposite of progress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Summary of General Principles&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look to genuinely understand the person's position. If you still can't relate to it, you're not done.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Socratic method questioning actually gets people engaged in proving themselves wrong, while disagreement gets them engaged in proving themselves right. And you'll do better at it if you are genuinely trying to understand the side you disagree with and open to finding possible errors in your side.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People resent obvious demands or limitations being imposed on them by others, but once you've helped them see a problem, they are often able to come up with their own solutions that might be just as good or better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mind changes take time, are often turbulent.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to understand what you're asking to do - you're looking to get a person to change their behavior, which very often (and I think this is a case of that) requires changing deep cognitive habits and beliefs. You can open a door for the person to do this, but that level of self-review and change is uncomfortable for many people, and it is your responsibility to provide them with a few of the other side of that door - if you're correct and there's less obvious errors on your side of that door, and what you show them suggests that there's a way for them to be happy and content with life and themselves if they move their perspective there, &lt;em&gt;only then&lt;/em&gt; there's a good chance they'll walk through to your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The onus is on you to really understand what the person needs from their cognition and beliefs and provide usable alternatives using the techniques above accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7176" LastEditorUserId="7176" LastEditDate="2018-06-29T23:31:48.287" LastActivityDate="2018-06-29T23:31:48.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15969" CreationDate="2018-06-29T23:10:37.250" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Get the person all the way to the hospital (or into EMT's hand) and give as much information as possible to the professionals trying to save their life. Since this isn't about how to do that, but about the people involved, my answer will focus on that. Ignoring them may not be the strategy that gets the person in trouble the medical attention they need as soon as possible. While I do not have first hand experience dealing with people ODing on anything 'harder' than alcohol, I do have experience there and in general handling groups in high pressure situations.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not going into depth on any medical aspect of dealing with this situation and will be extremely vague about such, this is focused only on people/situation management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quick and decisive action is important when a life may be at risk, as soon as you are aware of an OD, identify who has taken charge of the situation. If that person isn't quickly identifiable, be that person. Giving people clear tasks and displaying some calm and confidence (even if you don't have it) will dispel panic and get people moving constructively towards help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Teamwork and Roles:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully you are not the only one interested in doing the right thing and helping. If you are, you'll be wearing multiple of these hats, with the main one being &lt;strong&gt;The 'Medic'&lt;/strong&gt;. All other roles support &lt;strong&gt;The 'Medic'&lt;/strong&gt;. These aren't strict or exact, but more guidelines for how to effectively leverage a group of people trying to help. Fill/assign people these roles as they are listed in order of importance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The 'Medic'&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important role, you're sticking with the victim until they are receiving medical treatment and taking the lead on decisions toward that goal. If you're the only person helping, this is you. This role should be given to the helper with the most relevant experience, if nobody knows what to do, pick the least squeamish/closest to victim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;'Nurse'&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Supports the Medic; gets them anything they need, helps them manage the patient, takes over when they need a break. Rarely will there be a need for more that 1 Nurse, two people are more effective at giving medical help, but 3 is a crowd and will more likely be slowing things down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Crowd Control&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everybody else trying to help can be most effective by preventing the Medic/Nurse from having to deal with other people. This role is highly situational, but generally comes down to clearing area around the situation, making a path for the victim to be moved if/when they are being moved and intercepting people asking &quot;Whats going on?&quot; &quot;Are they alright?&quot; and other questions that the Medic/Nurse don't need to be distracted by. Being calm, polite and firm when interacting with others will minimize panic and assure others that the situation is under control. Don't give out more information than needed, but don't hide what's going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the host of the event has not been notified about the situation, Crowd Control also going to be in charge of notifying them. Hosts have ultimate crowd control powers and should be helpful, nobody wants a death at their party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be blunt, in a situation where somebody is overdosing, you're likely to find a people around who are more interested in avoiding interacting with police/emergency personnel than with saving a life. Once you have a few helpers and the host knows whats going on, let the general populace of the event know that EMTS etc will be showing up and that they are free to clear out/move to the backyard/get out of the room where the OD is and any place in between that and the door. People are less likely to cause issues or impede medical help if they are physically not present when the pros show up. Don't delay calling EMTs, immediately after the call is made, let everybody know that the call has been made and the pros are on the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-07-01T19:27:18.877" LastActivityDate="2018-07-01T19:27:18.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16012" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15975" CreationDate="2018-06-29T23:23:00.773" Score="43" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been playing for over 40 years now (since 1976), and have been on a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of teams. I'd like to think I've learned a thing or two about inter-personal skills within a soccer team. So here's what I have. #4 is the one that most applies to the question you asked, but I'd suggest reading the whole thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Common goals&lt;/strong&gt;. If nobody is being paid to be there, or attempting to get noticed by scouts with that in mind, that means ultimately &lt;strong&gt;everyone is there for fun&lt;/strong&gt;. If your behavior is causing other people to not have fun, &lt;em&gt;you are hurting the team&lt;/em&gt;. You might as well be scoring own-goals. Conversely, if everyone else's behavior is causing you to not have fun (eg: They aren't even trying. If anything your skills are getting worse by playing with them, etc.) then the team is hurting you. This is just as important.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Learn to lose&lt;/strong&gt;. Everyone would like to win the league, but clearly most teams won't. Most likely, you'll be on one of those other teams. So over the long haul, you have to be able to deal with a lot of losing. It is pretty natural to not be happy. Just try not to do or say hurtful things in the heat of the moment that can't be taken back. Crack a beer afterwards, and analyze the plays that almost worked. &quot;Oh man...if only you could have...&quot;. Remember that the rarity of coming in first is the dues you have to pay to make those championships so sweet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be Positive&lt;/strong&gt;. Pretty much everyone knows when they've screwed up, and why. They really don't need you to tell them. So if you're a super emotional person who has to make commentary, then tell people when they've done well. You can even do it violently. This goes particularly well for lesser-skilled players. If they don't feel like the best player, but get huge complements when they pass the ball to that midfielder with the great touch, they'll look to do that again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Apologize&lt;/strong&gt;. You'll screw up. Everyone does, and unless you were born by immaculate conception, you will too. Own it, and apologize sincerely to the injured party(s) as soon as you are centered enough to do so. If that indiscretion on the field &quot;should stay on the field&quot;, this is how you leave it there. Can't emphasize enough how important this is. I have seen people who were physically attacked by a teammate get surprisingly hung up over getting a simple apology. Eat your crow and do it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And there's one last Maxim here: &lt;strong&gt;The pitch doesn't change a person's character, it &lt;em&gt;reveals&lt;/em&gt; it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its fairly easy to be on your best behavior in most social situations, because there isn't a huge amount of stress. On the pitch you will have &lt;em&gt;all the stress&lt;/em&gt;, and you will learn all the character flaws of yourself and all your teammates. If someone has anger management issues, it will be obvious by all the ejections and yelling at teammates. Depressive people will get dejected at a run of bad play and watch passes roll right by them. People with PTSD will fly off the handle at other players for no proportionate reason. If someone is selfish, they'll try to go score by themselves when they get the ball. Those with ADD will get distracted and need the tactical situation pointed out to them. If you keep playing, you &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; have to learn how to deal with the mental health issues of others, and of course your own. In normal life you can try to pretend that you and everyone around you are neurotypical, but on the pitch you have to deal with human beings as they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm adding an addendum to address a comment, because I don't think I can really do it in a comment, and it may touch on the question I think. Comment was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can you be so uncompetitive? Be positive, learn to lose... What's&#xA;  the fun then? Are you not competing to win?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is in fact a common (mis)perception that being a dick to people and being competitive are the same thing. It looks silly when I write it down, but a surprising amount of us men in particular were raised with this belief. &#xA;Here in Oklahoma, let's say &lt;em&gt;American Football adjacent&lt;/em&gt;, it wasn't 10 years ago I watched a grown man (coach) scream at an 8 year old about how much he sucks, whilst complementing his teammate for making him cry. Sometimes what passes for coaching for boys, without the whistle is indiscernible from child abuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that's all a huge lie. &lt;a href=&quot;http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/wheatons-law&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Wheaton's Law&lt;/a&gt; applies to all manner of competitive activity, not just online gaming. The fact is: &lt;strong&gt;Terrorized people play worse. Teams that love each other play better.&lt;/strong&gt; If you want to win you need your teammates firing on all cylinders, not scared to death what will happen if they do anything other than make a safe pass backwards. You need them to love watching that midfielder teammate rip the seams of the defense apart with his passing when he gets the ball, and love watching that speedy striker burn everyone if only they can pop a ball right to his sweet spot. You need defenders and a keeper who would happily take a bullet for each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="5047" LastEditDate="2018-06-30T14:43:37.453" LastActivityDate="2018-06-30T14:43:37.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16016" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16008" CreationDate="2018-06-30T10:05:26.427" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are three variables in your situation: You, Alice, and Bob. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are ok with both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice is okay to meet and celebrate without any past regrets or grudges with Bob. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in a given situation you have to figure out how to work out with Bob and get his feedback beforehand for the party that you are willing to organize. Now, you haven't stated that you want to organise party for the group including others, or party including only three of you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, this solution will work in either of the cases. You need to remember that you are not only responsible for keeping friendship with them, they are also equally responsible of taking care of your happiness and wish(es) as your friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have faced similar situation in the past and it was resolved by following this solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Solution: As Bob is not willing to talk to you anything regarding Alice. &#xA;You should involve Alice in this scenario and ask her to talk to Bob for the party. She should certainly highlight that your sentiments also matter and for you they should get along and celebrate party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a byproduct, this conversation might help them resolve any past misunderstanding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Party 1: Only three of you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If Bob doesn't accept your or Alice's request to celebrate then you should drop the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Party 2: Including others&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If Bob doesn't accept your or Alice's request then you should tell him that you will be very uncomfortable in party without him and you will not be able to enjoy at it fullest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wish you luck! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19342" LastActivityDate="2018-06-30T10:05:26.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16018" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16021" CreationDate="2018-06-30T12:16:38.913" Score="13" ViewCount="2600" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: I’m an amateur programmer, make both desktop and mobile applications with a moderately deep background in computer science (from my experience and undergraduate studies).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of friends of mine don’t pay attention to (or even worse, have no intention to know anything about) information security. The following are some examples of their beliefs:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Connecting public Wi-Fi (indeed, without any VPN connection) is perfectly fine, because a lot of people are doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reusing password(s) is fine, and no one is going to steal them (reusing passwords even on plain http sites).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Writing down passwords in plaintext is fine, and obscured versions of plaintext password records are safe (for example, inserting a lot of newlines in a text file and append the passwords at the end).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring potential signals, for example, advertisements/toolbars in browsers, startup applications etc. One of them has taken no security measure even though a series of transactions (although stopped by bank technicians) were made by her credit card.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring security measures built into systems, for example, blindly turning off anti-virus programs/accepting programs as false positives, entering admin passwords in arbitrary authentication dialogs, turning off full-disk encryption (even though its effects on disk speed is small), and granting privileges even to pirated software.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often have conflicts with them, especially when their actions may harm my security measures:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They treat me as a paranoid. They think that concerns are unnecessarily and create inconvenience.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They usually make illogical counter-arguments. For example, once I mentioned that programs coming from arbitrary sources should not be opened. The next time I wrote a game (it’s open-source so everyone can have a check on it) and shared it on GitHub. One of them challenged me that my game should not be opened because it may be malicious. He even challenged whether GitHub is a safe site to visit.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They think that because almost everyone doesn’t follow my security practices (again, like reusing passwords), if my security claims are true, a lot of people are under security threats, and because they don’t observe any, they aren’t going to bother about information security.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes they may “coerce” me into situations which may harm my device’s security. For example, some of them may use my accessories without asking me in advance, and because I have to use them afterwards I have to worry about the potential spread of malicious contents.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some of them even have very bad attitude when they think their beliefs are correct (and hence treating me in a very impolite manner). For example, when I say that others can’t use my accessories (at least can’t without my prior approval), they usually say something like “there’s no virus on my device” (perhaps even in a worse tone) and ignore the issues about information security.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a programmer, information security is something that I can’t compromise. I do need to cope with the above situations and handle arguments which others don’t except (even though some of them are standard practices). Any help is appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4332" LastActivityDate="2018-07-01T23:21:51.410" Title="How to interact with people who are indifferent to information security?" Tags="&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-02T04:52:17.250" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16018" CreationDate="2018-06-30T12:43:30.110" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest two things. First of all, when their lax security measures can impact you, draw a line. Eg, refuse to let them use your devices. A simple 'sorry, I'm not comfortable lending my devices to anyone' should suffice. Repeat as needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, things that don't impact you: ignore them. If your friends ask for advice, by all means help, but no one will listen to unsolicited advice about reusing passwords. Unfortunately some people will not change their behaviour until they have personally been affected, and some won't even then. You can't change them and trying will just strain your relationships without doing any good. You are neither their parent nor their employer, so don't try to educate them unless they ask. Don't introduce unnecessary sources of conflict in your relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3844" LastActivityDate="2018-06-30T12:43:30.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16018" CreationDate="2018-06-30T13:02:27.943" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have worked for most of my career in information security, managing data centres and handling the security of sensitive information even as far back as Heavy, cooled machine room environments and Windows 3.1.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The kind of awareness that you are displaying is to your credit, and I see that the issues of interaction with poor data security practice is vitally important to you, as it should be with everyone else in your friendship group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I suggest is that at the moment they are seeing you as a 'pain' instead of as a qualified and respected advisor. I think that you should make a plan which will shift their perception of you and your talents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could begin by interacting more seriously, creating a workgroup, so that all are contacted together on these issues. You will perhaps then get replies which the others would see - and this could begin to make them more aware to the dangers and also to how simple it is to maintain a high level of security (using your advice)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could then start to recommend free and effective programs which will protect their data security, offering to download, install or monitor how these programs are used - and explaining the benefits. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you give away some secrets - but in return your group is aware and secure for now and into the future. Just be careful that you avoid pointing the finger at any one individual and maintain your professional standards at all times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for the question very interesting and topical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-06-30T13:02:27.943" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16018" CreationDate="2018-06-30T14:14:04.867" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have done your thing. If they are not listening to you, that's it. You have no responsibility for them, and they don't even appreciate you trying to help. It's better for you to stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anyone wants to plug your accessories into their computer, you say &quot;no&quot;. If you are asked why, you say &quot;I don't feel comfortable plugging my accessories into some random computer&quot;. If they challenge you, &quot;it's my device, it doesn't get plugged in anywhere&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But apart from that, you interact with these people as you would interact with anyone else, don't mention computer security to them, and if they run into problems, don't say &quot;I told you so&quot; because that never goes down well, but also don't volunteer fixing any problems - knowing how to avoid problems doesn't mean you know how to fix them. I have some idea how to avoid car crashes; that doesn't mean I know how to fix cars. Actually, you can and should refuse to solve any problems - your excuse is that you tried to convince them to live more safely exactly because you don't know how to fix problems caused by some virus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-06-30T14:14:04.867" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15943" CreationDate="2018-06-30T19:55:27.320" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bars are noisy places by definition. Alcohol makes people talk louder. (and make them think they're witty, handsome, brilliant, and other fallacies) That's why people go to bars, to unwind a bit and get away from structure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of playing darts in a bar is blocking out the loud noises, and even balancing when you get jostled by the occasional drunk. If you can't throw darts in a bar without also experiencing the ambience of the bar, then you're not really playing the game of darts in a bar. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the other players will notice that, thus degrading your interpersonal goal. The point of darts in a bar isn't so much to be the highest scorer, it's to be one of the guys, to share an experience, even a minor one. Part of the game is hazing the person throwing the darts... who can come up with the most obnoxious comment? The dart thrower is expected to focus past that banter. Actually hitting the dartboard is optional. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just focus past the noise. It's part of the game. If you recognize and accept all of the rules of the game, even the unwritten ones (such as don't take darts in a bar very seriously), your interpersonal skills will get a big boost. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19337" LastActivityDate="2018-06-30T19:55:27.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16018" CreationDate="2018-06-30T20:48:22.880" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like others have said, the you need to remember &amp;quot;not my circus, not my monkeys.&amp;quot; Some people aren't that bothered about &amp;quot;securing the human.&amp;quot; A good example is Google Home/Alexa. These things &amp;quot;listen&amp;quot; all the time, for some, this is a huge security risk, and for others, it's absolutely fine. You will have a very hard time convincing someone that these devices are terrible, or vice-versa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it is said, there is no Universe, only 7[.6] billion interpretations of it. They may fundamentally disagree with your views on security for many reasons. If you ever want to discuss this you need communicate on a much more basic level of what security means; you cannot just yell security measures at people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, as a proud owner of a BS in CS, let me offer you my rebuttal to your security concerns. &lt;strong&gt;These are not necessarily my option&lt;/strong&gt;, so I'm not interested in debating the points, but I offer them as a reminder that you're not debating facts, your debating &lt;em&gt;feelings&lt;/em&gt;. And trying to debate feelings is like bringing a knife to a gun fight* (read: the current state of American politics).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I only connect to public Wi-Fi when I need to, I never do it by default. Furthermore, I am careful not to access any sites that contain personally identifiable information (PII) or Federal PII while on said network. Furthermore, most sites are already encrypted (HTTPS) anyway. The only real security concern is if the network has a system in place to bypass website encryption, or if the government is watching (which a VPN won't protect me from, anyway).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The password debate is mute as I needn't protect my passwords from a targeted attack, but a more general one focused on a particular website. Plus, I use 2FA for everything anyway.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Again, I'm not concerned that someone will hack my laptop and steal my password file. Yes, someone &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt;, but there is a low likelihood that could happen, and frankly I'm not concerned enough to care.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't carry a gun around everywhere and demand that everyone I meet shows some sort of identification. I don't want that stress and I am willing to take that risk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why would I bother encrypting my hard drive? If someone really wanted my information, an encrypted hard drive is not going to stop them (&lt;a href=&quot;https://xkcd.com/538/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://xkcd.com/538/&lt;/a&gt;). Furthermore, I debate the actual benefits of encrypting the drive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, so let me offer you an anecdote, my mother is very much like you. She may not have the technical know-how to encrypt things and whatnot, but she never gives out her email or phone number, and she has disabled mobile data and GPS on her phone, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. We view her as paranoid, but I've come to learn just to let her be that way. You're not going to win this argument. The big part of &amp;quot;securing the human&amp;quot; is that they HAVE TO want to do it. And if they don't, then that's their prerogative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, let me say to you this. Computer security, indeed, any security, is fighting an unknown enemy. You have no idea how they are going to attack, or even if they are going to attack at all. Really, it should be called computer insurance, as that's what you're doing. You're ensuring that if someone does attack you, you're protected. While you may think you're doing the right thing, which you very well could be doing, others think you're standing out in the middle of the desert putting your house on stilts and buying flood and wildfire insurance. Yeah, it very well ~~could~~ happen, but others see it as an unnecessary precaution. They choose to deal with the neverending threat of malware and identity theft by ignoring it, and you deal with it by preparing. They view you as a &amp;quot;prepper,&amp;quot; and you need to accept the fact that most people don't share your concerns. So this is what I think you should do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do what you need to do to feel secure. (Your friends are also doing this, they just have a funny way of expressing it).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you feel like peripherals are a vulnerability (the Pentagon agrees with you, btw), than take the steps to secure yourself from it. As other answers state, politely decline and state your reasons in such a way that it's clear you're not looking for a debate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're going to encounter a lot of people who have an even more cavalier attitude about security than your friends. Remember, you are not responsible for them or their information.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Finally, this is something you care a lot about. Not everybody cares a lot about security. For example, it would be unfair of my brother, an astrophysicist to demand that everyone around him require such rigorous knowledge of space, or even a similar excitement about it. Some people just don't give a damn about space.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*An interesting parallel to this is our policing model. We used to think that well lit, and well put together communities made people safe. So police focused heavily on the bad areas of town. This model is called Broken Windows. Even though these areas had an increased police presence, and they fixed the windows and put up more street lights, these areas still saw high numbers of crime, and the citizens still felt unsafe. The newest model of policing, Community Policing, focuses on making people &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; safe. While the model is still too new to be proven, it is generally agreed that if people &lt;em&gt;perceive&lt;/em&gt; their community to be safe, it will be. Not saying that you just need to &amp;quot;feel&amp;quot; your way to computer security, but that we cannot justify our feelings with facts, or lack thereof.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19338" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-06-30T20:48:22.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16026" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16027" CreationDate="2018-06-30T23:00:25.907" Score="18" ViewCount="4671" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I met a girl named Anna in a class at my university just under 2 years ago. Only toward the end of the semester, when we were working together as part of a group project, did I start to develop feelings for her. After that semester, we didn't see each other often, but we did connect online and play games together when we had time. Any time that we did hang out was with a couple other mutual friends from the class we had together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another semester passes and I was leaving for work in another state (U.S.) until the end of the year. The first couple months I did not have internet access, so Anna wrote me letters (I gave her my address before I left). She wrote me more often than my other friends/family, and on one occasion sent pictures as well. I really appreciated her taking the time to write letters and stay in touch with me, especially since she was about to graduate and had a lot of other things to take care of. It felt like we were making a good connection even though we couldn't even see or speak to each other. Then after the first couple months, I had internet access again, and we regularly stayed in touch online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The direction of this context implies something: I assumed Anna was single. This assumption was based on what I could see on social media, and the conversations we had (e.g. never once mentioning a boyfriend, no relationship status). I never asked her about it explicitly, since that's not how I typically approach it, unless I feel it is appropriate. In this situation, being away for most of the year, I personally did not feel it appropriate to ask Anna about her relationship status or to ask her out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to the end of last year, I was a month or so away from finishing work and returning home. One day, Anna shared a picture of a guy that I noticed she hangs around with somewhat often, and said that they were going to move in together once they started working. I decided it was a good opportunity to ask if they were dating, and she responded that they were. I also learned that they've been together for 3+ years. It surprised me since I assumed that I would hear about him at least once in the 2 years that I've known her. I've also made my interest in her quite apparent over the course of the year, so keeping her relationship a secret had been giving me the wrong idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once I returned home, I wanted to meet up with Anna, to see her in person and to talk about my feelings. The discussion went very well; we both equally shared our thoughts and reasons on the matter and I felt like I got the closure I needed to move forward and continue being friends with her. From what I gathered, she didn't know how to tell me that she was in a relationship so she decided to keep quiet about it until I asked. Since then we've been enjoying our friendship with no hard feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Currently...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been having lunch with Anna the last couple weeks. This is the first time she's wanted to sit down with just me (usually we invite some mutual friends). &#xA;I learned that she has recently moved out of the place she was sharing with her boyfriend, back home with her family. She only mentioned that she did so to help take care of her injured mother (which I don't doubt). I thought it was a temporary thing, but she said she's no longer going to move back in with her boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think Anna has recently ended her relationship. I noticed that her relationship status on social media has also changed to single, but since then it has become hidden again. She also appears more receptive to activities I've suggested, with just us two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have given this a lot of thought, and decided that I'd like to give her another shot. However, I still don't know for sure if she's actually single now, or if she'd be genuinely interested in being in a relationship with me. Furthermore, I understand that if she had ended her relationship recently, it may still be a sensitive idea/subject. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; How do I approach her about her relationship status, or learn about it, such that I don't unintentionally offend her or make her feel uncomfortable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would be the next important step for me, after which I believe I can explore whether or not she'd be interested in dating me. I just don't want to get my hopes up and repeat the whole previous year all over again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: I've tried to provide sufficient context while cutting out unnecessary bloat. If there's anything that could be improved or clarified, I would be happy to do so.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16487" LastEditorUserId="16487" LastEditDate="2018-07-01T08:28:00.390" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T19:23:01.753" Title="Asking a romantic interest about her relationship status" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16026" CreationDate="2018-07-01T04:07:01.000" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just ask her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously, it's that easy. If she's really your friend, then she won't mind being honest about her relationship status. If you really want a romantic relationship with her, then you will both have to learn to communicate clearly and honestly. You won't gain anything by dancing around the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand the desire to minimize awkwardness and hurt feelings, but avoiding a topic usually makes those things worse in the long run. What if she has broken up with her boyfriend, and she starts dating someone else, and never mentions either? What if she has a romantic interest in you, but feels she blew it with her behavior before, and is too scared to bring it up? What if she's going through a tough time with her boyfriend and would really appreciate your support, but feels awkward talking to you about it? Some of those scenarios are more in your favor than others, but &lt;strong&gt;you'll never what the truth is if you don't talk to her about it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you jump straight to asking her out, that will probably go poorly. However, there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't ask her how things are going with her boyfriend, and how she feels about it if it's gone south. If they did break up, and she's not ready for a new relationship, and you think you will still be interested after giving her some time, then you should tell her that too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can be respectful of her feelings while being honest about yours. Do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T19:23:01.753" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T19:23:01.753" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16018" CreationDate="2018-07-01T12:42:34.273" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've studied computer security at both undergrad and briefly postgrad level (I'm mainly a programmer too and not a security person, I just find the topic interesting). I'll never forget my first class: our professor asked who in the class of about 20 students had never given their password to anyone else for any reason. I was the only person who raised my hand. In a class of people who had been studying computer science for at least two years by that point!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My teacher's point was that you need to design security solutions around people and the way they naturally behave, and this is something good to keep in mind if your goal is to get these friends of yours to adopt better practices. If it inconveniences or annoys them, you have little chance of selling a behaviour to them - and if &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; annoy them, they are not going to want to listen to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to remember that, by your own admission, you are not a computer security professional. You may know a few general things from being in the same industry, but that doesn't necessarily make you good at making recommendations to others on the topic. In the real world, security solutions don't come as a list of edicts handed down by the expert; you need to be flexible and able to compromise because of that human factor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A big part of making security recommendations is assessing risk and weighing it up against the cost of implementing certain security procedures. You don't do everything you could possibly do if the dollar value of doing it is greater than the dollar value of negative consequences. What is the risk of your friends' plaintext/reused passwords being stolen in a targeted attack, or their access to public WiFi leading to seriously negative consequences? Low, unless, for example, they work in a company the Chinese might want to target for espionage purposes. They are more likely to have their private data stolen through the poor security practices of the sites they log into, and it doesn't matter how good their password management is at that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And what's the worst that will happen if the worst does happen? If they are like the majority of people who do nothing of consequence with their devices, it won't be life-shattering. They might lose some photos or chat logs or saved games, and they'll learn a lesson far more effectively than they will if you keep nagging at them. Bank account security and the like are a little more serious, but as you've seen fraudulent transactions can often be reversed. For better or worse, maybe your friends have done their own calculations and decided the risk is worth the convenience of some of their lazy and careless behaviours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The funny thing is, your friend's retort about your GitHub uploads is not illogical at all in the context of your conflict. You've done some level of study and you have 'experience', which may or may not be meaningful. None of that amounts to saying you write safe, robust code. What assurance can you really offer your friend, who knows he isn't an expert in what code can or can't do, that your software does only what you think/claim it does and won't open them up to security gremlins?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this doesn't mean you shouldn't give your friends advice based on what you know if appropriate, but I would suggest you re-examine your reasons for being so adamant about offering advice they clearly don't want. Just as you don't like having your equipment borrowed without permission (which is absolutely fair), your friends probably do not like you lecturing them without their permission. If you want them to respect your wishes, it might be a good idea to start really listening to theirs as their behaviour communicates them to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't educate your friends, but you need to do so in a way that will actually educate them. My partner likes to inform family members of current security concerns by compiling informative emails: a 'did you know?' arrangement. You might try similar things through social media, picking information and stories that will slowly acquaint your friends with the issues and consequences without making anyone feel personally attacked. You can even speak up directly if you see a friend doing something they don't understand the consequences of, but if it doesn't directly affect you or your equipment you need to respect when they aren't interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps the most critical, though least technical, area of InfoSec is social engineering. A would-be attacker can get a person to do a lot of things they may know full well they shouldn't if it's not too hard for them to do so and they feel positive about what they're doing. I'm sure you can think of ways to use those same principles to convey information to your friends to their benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19049" LastActivityDate="2018-07-01T12:42:34.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16026" CreationDate="2018-07-01T13:05:03.043" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you don't want to ask directly - &lt;strong&gt;show interest in her and her life, let her know you're there for her to talk and share, and let her be comfortable to share with you about her boyfriend.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it sounds like you care about her and have a lot of interest in her, and clearly beyond just the romantic relationship (surely that's what you want but as understood, you also enjoyed the relationship with before and you had a good connection), I would suggest you to show interest about the topic, in the form of asking her about how is she, how is it going with the boyfriend right now etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Some examples&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How is it going with your boyfriend now that you moved back to your parents' house to help your mother? Is he supporting? Do you still have time to meet each other?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to talk about something, such as how it's going with your mother (how does she feels, how are you with taking care of her, ...), how do you feel after moving out from living with your boyfriend (do you miss him? do you manage to keep your relationship with all that happening? etc.) - just know that I'm here for you if you need someone that will listen or just be there for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Something about the boyfriend - such as how is he, how is it going for him at work, what are his plans for bla bla, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are your plans for XXX holiday/vacation? Going to be with your family? Be with the boyfriend? Maybe you want to do something together if you don't have any plans or have some extra time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, since you don't want to ask directly - try to show interest and let her tell you about it. It will work if you are really interested, if not - it will be noticed. (Also, if you're not interested in her life right now, it's another problem.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, you'll also show interest, learn about her, and won't ask it specifically in case it's a sensitive topic at the moment (since you don't know anything about the current status).&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;From what she'll tell you, you will be able to understand her status (emotionally, romantically etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Notes&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The questions about the boyfriend are more/less suitable depend on how well (if at all) you know him or heard about him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to use the boyfriend actual name, and not just &amp;quot;boyfriend&amp;quot; as it can show more sincere interest (of course, if you know his name and heard a bit about him, and it's now going to come out of the blue).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13736" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-01T14:39:29.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16032" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15930" CreationDate="2018-07-01T17:18:39.453" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is the possibility that he is comfortable with his current level of discussion, and that he doesn't want to change, or just can't change. You probably want to resolve this, one way or another, before tying the knot. Doesn't sound like there's any problem with your approach, just the results you're seeing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't fear a woman who was as smart or more intelligent than myself, I welcomed it... gee, I must be pretty good if I can attract her attention. But, a lot of guys don't have that mindset. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was dating, I noticed that there were some people, both men and women, who put up an intellectual 'gender barrier'. They would adjust their discussions when they were around the significant other and other members of the opposite gender, as opposed to how they would interact with 'their bros' or 'their sisters'. More than not discussing potentially delicate gender specific subjects, I could see that they definitely dialed back their intellect when around the opposite gender. As if they saw the opposite gender as an object, not a person. What a pity, they're missing some interesting people... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not all people are like that, but enough are. When I met a woman who didn't exhibit that, who could speak on any subject in depth with me, who could hold a genuine heart to heart without an intellectual gender barrier... I got married. (okay, it helped that she was a stunning beauty, too, and not at all stuck on herself about that) We just passed our 25th anniversary, so I definitely picked the right one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real question is - do you want a lifetime of the current situation? If it's right going in to a marriage, you'll probably do well. If there are obstacles before you get married, the only thing a ring and a piece of paper will do is insure that breaking up will cost you an arm and a leg. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19337" LastActivityDate="2018-07-01T17:18:39.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16026" CreationDate="2018-07-01T17:48:03.010" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;To allay your fears, put yourself in the other person's position. If a woman who was just a friend quietly expressed a desire to get to know you better, would you be insulted? Probably not. Even if you weren't interested, you'd be at least very flattered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However... if she's getting out of a relationship, and when a couple living together move to separate living spaces that usually indicates a split, she may not be ready to dive back in. Even when relationships go sour and the other person was a complete jerk, there are lingering emotional conflicts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she isn't bringing her relationship status up directly (and it's not the sort of personal detail that you'd ask of another person if they don't volunteer it), it tends to indicate that she's not comfortable discussing the subject at this time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might just try being a good friend. Talk about anything but that guy or being in a relationship, to take her mind off of that. If she is experiencing some amount of emotional turmoil over an impending or current breakup, that's probably what would do her the most good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after a month of that, she sighs and says - I wish that guy had been more like you - then your patience paid off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19337" LastActivityDate="2018-07-01T17:48:03.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16018" CreationDate="2018-07-01T23:21:51.410" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you still want to change their behavior, lower your standards considerably and meet them in the middle (not that you should be more lax on your devices, but in what you recommend they do with theirs).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reusing passwords is fine. Something like a stackexchange account can share a password with other services because the negative consequences are measured in fake internet points. Try to convince them to set unique passwords for their bank, their email (which is the recovery option for everything), and any other services of similar importance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Writing down passwords is ok. Pen on paper, and keep it somewhere the webcam can't see. If someone has broken into their house, they have bigger problems than the person having their passwords. As long as they aren't &lt;strong&gt;typing&lt;/strong&gt; down their passwords.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, you need to accept that others do not care about the risks as much as you do. You will never convince them to take the same precautions you do, so focus on harm minimisation instead of harm eradication. They probably think you are crazy for taking risks in other areas of your life (drinking, smoking, lack of exercise, unhealthy eating, speeding/tailgating in your car, no security shutters on your house windows) - would you completely stop doing all those things because someone told you they were risky?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="405" LastActivityDate="2018-07-01T23:21:51.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16038" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16059" CreationDate="2018-07-01T23:29:17.337" Score="11" ViewCount="705" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm fairly certain that I have audio processing disorder - basically, I can hear sounds just fine, but I seriously struggle with comprehending what I hear, as I will often misunderstand words or have pauses when my language processing seems to &quot;lag&quot; (I might say &quot;sorry, I didn't catch that?&quot; and then right after the words are out of my mouth my brain catches up and I understand what they originally said).  In particular, I have trouble distinguishing &quot;foreground&quot; sounds from background sounds and speaking with people who have accents different than mine (even mild ones) and that speak in lower tones (sometimes I can understand one person who has an accent but not another that has the same accent).  I have trouble mapping the sounds that I hear to the words and when speaking with someone with an accent I try to listen very intently but often have to ask them to repeat just about every other sentence.  It's even worse when background noises and accents are combined.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When speaking with someone who has an accent, I feel like I have to ask for repetitions enough that it's rude, and &lt;strong&gt;I feel embarrassed at how much I struggle&lt;/strong&gt;.  I also just moved from the West coast (US) to the East coast, and I will be starting my first job out of college, so I want to leave a good impression.  I am a native English speaker, and I have no problems understanding written English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I normally handle it by trying to sound apologetic and saying something along the lines of &quot;I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you&quot; or &quot;I'm sorry, I have difficulties understanding accents&quot; and asking them to repeat or speak slower or louder, but that can be very tedious with longer interactions, and I can see how much it can be exhausting for someone to interact with.  I will also need to have verbal communication at work with people from different backgrounds than mine, and during my last internship there was a manager visiting from India who tried to ask me for directions and spent several minutes trying to explain to me what they were looking for until another coworker intervened and helped them out right away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I politely handle my verbal comprehension struggles (particularly inside the workplace) without frustrating people or having to find outside help?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19355" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T12:28:11.570" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T20:40:47.373" Title="How do I deal with accents and my audio processing issues without annoying people?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;accent&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15975" CreationDate="2018-07-02T04:10:58.907" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;A sports field is not a magical consequence-free universe separated from reality, although many would have it so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Harassment whether it is verbal or physical is just as unacceptable there as at the workplace, home or any place else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you tried to bully him, and he called you out on it. Further it sounds like you are in denial, since your response was not an apology, and your question here is somewhat pathological - 'How do I continue to get away with it?'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps admitting what you did, followed an actual apology is in order. Most of all - stop doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19357" LastEditorUserId="19357" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T19:41:52.600" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T19:41:52.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16040" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16062" CreationDate="2018-07-02T04:59:18.717" Score="9" ViewCount="4057" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the past, I have been a part of self-centered conversations, especially in the offices. These would be among a group of people, where there is one person who is very much self-centered and would tactfully concentrate all the conversations towards themselves. Others do not perceive any sense of narcissism. But, it is clearly a case of one. It is this tactic that always works and people fall for such sweet manipulation. And this is done to divert attention from anyone else and always keep the conversation around them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, not many realize that the person is manipulating others and is a trap to keep them under their control. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was part of such group, but, when I realized that everyone else is getting manipulated, I couldn't resist myself. I engaged in conversations that were no more around the person. But, that made me the bitter one to the main person and a series of conflicts raised. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, later understood that these kind of persons should be left alone. But, I am sure I would encounter such persons in the future too and I have no idea how to deal with them. While keeping mum all the time would be a conflict within myself; that they would think that I got manipulated too. I do not want to give them that impression. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;I realized that manipulations are a common thing both at workplace and in personal life. All I did was to redirect conversations away from them but that brought a lot of animosity between us. So, I do not want to be the bad buy and at the same time, I want the manipulator to know that I am not falling for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;how do I redirect conversations to not focus on self-centered people, without upsetting those people? And if I can't redirect that way, how can I make clear that I'm aware of what self-centered conversation monoplizers are doing?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding a conversations scenario. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Scenario 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Purpose : Conversation Hijack&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Context : Workplace lunch&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The entire group is discussing about how well one of the team members, Tom, has done in the recent past, praising Tom for it and gathering more information about it. Out of the blue, one of the team members says something like 'I have faced a similar situation too;  I have done XYZ and so and so.  blah blah blah'. With a joke in such hijacked conversations, the entire group bursts into laughter and no one would ever think of coming back to Tom. Cracking jokes is one of the easiest ways to divert the conversation. And the frequency of the hijacking could be less or more depending on that person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Praising one is just one of the contexts.&lt;/strong&gt; It could be anything else like showing fake concern towards a team member and then diverting the topic to themselves and their own set of problems or success scenarios.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18643" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T16:31:56.773" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T07:18:19.327" Title="How to not be a part of self centered conversations?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16041" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16040" CreationDate="2018-07-02T05:47:50.033" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could consider letting go. Try to see that these conversations are only things that pass time, they are not important if they are not damaging you in any way. Rather than being worried about people that you have decided are manipulative consider that this is merely your perception, and that others in the group may not share your view. Come into these conversations as yourself, with what you can give, and leave as yourself with no worry or lingering things that you have to judge. Once a conversation has ended it has gone. If you come to the conversation as yourself, an unchangeable and unique personality then you cannot be manipulated or changed by others, they will accept you as you and will accept what you can give to the conversation. Stop worrying about it, you only need to be you, the answer to the question is in your hands, you cannot change others nor can you define them or classify them as manipulative. But you can offer your unique self to others as your gift. Value yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T05:47:50.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16042" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16040" CreationDate="2018-07-02T06:48:59.273" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;The shortest answer is: &lt;strong&gt;You can't avoid being part of such self centered conversation&lt;/strong&gt;. You will find people who are self-centered, full of ego and attention hungry everywhere. I have seen them so many times in my professional life that I can't imagine a world without such people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I do want to add that contrary to  what you feel about this, these people don't get indulge in such self-centered talks on a purpose. There has been no attempt to manipulate the group by them in most of the cases. The real cause is that these people have a very limited and narrow self-centered sense of the world, and they can't speak much about any other topic than themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the first thing to do is to accept that you can't avoid people who are unable to stop talking about themselves only.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing that I have observed about such conversation is that they normally get started in a group of more than 4 people at least. If there are less than 4 people, having such self-centered conversations is difficult. So, if you are in a large group where such a person is present, the best thing to do is start an independent conversation with a different person close by. This way, you will create a parallel stream of conversation which has the potential to get other people involved in it. This will break the solo commentary of the self-centered person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thirdly, please understand that just like you, majority of other people also do not like such people. They may listen to their ego driven stories but seldom or never get impressed by them. As a psychological tactic, it is an extremely bad strategy to only talk about yourself. There is no psychological gain in it. So, don't take such people seriously as they are not gaining any advantage from such behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19361" LastEditorUserId="8169" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T13:26:44.287" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T13:26:44.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16044" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16068" CreationDate="2018-07-02T07:27:50.037" Score="9" ViewCount="1325" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have just moved in to a new (to me. 6 years old) house and have yet to meet the neighbors. I have since noticed my inside garage wall was damp. Inspecting outside the dampness was caused by the neighbor having built up the ground level with a patio. Rectifying this would involve ensuring a gap between the neighbors patio and my garage wall above the damp proof course.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the UK. It's a small patio that would require one row of slabs lifting, cutting digging out their sub base and relaying the row of shorter slabs. I'm aware I could probably pursue it legally, but I'd rather ask nicely first to avoid 'falling out' with them Sooner rather than later would be best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask my new neighbor to rectify this without causing hostility towards me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19363" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-06-14T09:39:24.747" LastActivityDate="2019-06-14T09:39:24.747" Title="How can I diplomatically ask my neighbor to move his/her patio off my garage wall to stop damp" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14096" CreationDate="2018-07-02T10:14:59.457" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your mom misses you, while you miss your life with her. Those are two separate expectation of the phone call.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me elaborate:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; expect the phone call to be like talking to a friend, speaking about the weather or that new movie. Just like when you were still living with her. She was your friend. She'd skip all that &quot;interrogation&quot; because you're there living with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She&lt;/strong&gt; expect the phone call to be a summary of the past week; what did you do and what did you feel. She misses you living with her and her knowing everything about your day-to-day life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just like going home in the summer after the finals, you miss your old life, your room, your friends, and 'living' with your parents. They miss you being there with them. They miss you being a part of their life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bear this in mind next time you call her, use segways to the topics you want to discuss by including them in your day-to-day life in the past week. Ask for her input in a way that makes her still feel relevant in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eg: I got in a interesting conversation on Wednesday with Carol on the new baby food regulations, do you think I was right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14153" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T10:14:59.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16048" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16049" CreationDate="2018-07-02T11:00:32.883" Score="7" ViewCount="7303" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been with my current girlfriend for more than a year now and very happy with her. To me, she feels like 'the one' and every time I see her or am with her, I feel on top of the world. A few months ago, she confessed to me that she started to like another guy from her study, but is not in love with. I didn't really knew how to react to this but I said I appreciated the fact that she shared me with this pointing out that I appreciated that she was honest to me, but that I cannot handle the fact that she is seeing this guy on a daily basis (because of her study). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few things you should know about this situation and what followed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This guy knows my girlfriend is in a relationship but he apparently does not care: he once send a shirtless picture to my girlfriend (at the moment I was sitting next to her) and this resulted in a big fight between me and my girlfriend. He also told her that he wants to fight for her, but luckily my girlfriend told me that there is no reason to fight for her because she wants to be with me;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What followed is that I forced her to stop having contact with this dude, because I could not handle her being in contact with him. I could notice she didn't agree with this but she talked to him and said that they should stop talking to each other. This all did result in me getting distrustful in my girlfriend and said to her that it needs a lot of time for me to get over this and to gain my full trust for her back. After a while, she told me that the fact that I forced her not to talk to him anymore, resulted in her 'getting pushed towards him' by me because I forbid her something (this was really hard for me because I don't want to be this kind of boyfriend, but at the time forcing her to stop having contact was the only possible solution I could think of, hoping she would lose interest in him); &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;From time to time, when I am by myself, I get caught in this mindset where I get totally insane just by thinking about another guy trying to mess with the relationship between me and my girlfriend (i.e. getting really aggressive &#xA;and wanting to punch this dude in the face / getting real sad). This affects my mood significantly and sometimes results in me and my girlfriend getting back in a fight where I point out that I cannot handle it. She then tells me I should not worry, that she is loves me very much and that I am perfect for her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The guy and my girlfriend will not see each other anymore after the coming week. There will be a summer break coming, she will do an internship somewhere else in the coming year so that is the thing that keeps my hopes high. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of you guys will say that I should break up, which I can't. This would affect me in such a way that I cannot handle. She is in almost every way perfect for me. For example: I have a mentally disabled sister and she is the first woman in my life who is truly putting effort in trying to communicate with her / doing this with her, which is very important for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that they sometimes share communication, mainly about the projects they are working on. But still, I find this very hard because somewhere I am afraid he is still flirting with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To point out, I am not a weak person or afraid to say what I think except for one thing: I am afraid that when I keep asking her to stop communicating with this guy, I will push her in 'his arms'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell my girlfriend how I feel about all this without pushing her further away and make sure my girlfriend won't stay in touch with this guy? Am I handling this wrong ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for different perspectives so I can find a way to handle the situation (which I currently clearly can not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to let you guys know what happened a few weeks later:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;She admitted she cheated on me several times after I accidentally saw some way too erotic messages on her phone send by him to her (and by cheating I really mean cheating i.e. having sex)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I broke up with her immediately, even though she really wanted me back, cried for hours, called me multiple times (even in the middle of the night). This has again been a big lesson for me: trust is the fundemental of a relationship, and when you can't trust each other, you better leave before you get feelings wrecked as she did with mine. It has been hard to get over it, and still every night I lay in my bed with lots of aggression and sadness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if someone is in the same situation as I was, keep my story in mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19372" LastEditorUserId="19372" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T13:14:21.047" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T13:14:21.047" Title="How do I cope with a girlfriend who got feelings for another person but is not in love with?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-07-02T12:46:07.963" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16048" CreationDate="2018-07-02T11:22:28.193" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me start with a personal story, even though you will not like the ending: Oh boy this reads familiar! Only when I was in your situation, my girlfriend was living in another country, and the other guy was there. I can tell you, this leads to a lot of additional uncertainty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to get her to not see that guy. She would not agree on that (and I also heard the &quot;pushing her towards him&quot; thing). So I tried to cope with the situation, which led to a lot of issues (even health wise). I suffered through it, until she broke up with me, and two days later got engaged to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, one year later, I still don't see anything I could have done differently, but I realized a lot of flaws on her side, and am not that sad anymore that it did not work out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, that was my story. On to yours, and hopefully a more happy ending: try not to mention that other guy anymore. As you said, one more week and he is out of her life. That should fix the situation for now! The only way you might want to mention him one last time, is bringing her flowers (or another romantic gesture), tell her that you are sorry about how you handled the situation, and take some of the blame. I am pretty sure she knows that you had a hard time to live through, so chances are good that she is willing to leave it behind, if you don't make her feel bad for it anymore and if she does not feel restricted by you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for long term, don't overreact if she tells you of men she is spending time with (especially on her internship). If you make a fuzz, your relationship with her will suffer from it (you mentioned the amount of fights you had yourself), making any other guy more attractive. If the other guy is her new-found soulmate nothing you can do will change the fate of your relation ship, if he is not, then trusting her is the only positive option you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4291" LastEditorUserId="4291" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T11:31:24.400" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T11:31:24.400" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16048" CreationDate="2018-07-02T11:27:40.507" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't break up with her.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know the situation you are in, I have been there myself and its really not nice. I assume that you don't know the guy and therefore lets focus on what you can do with your girlfriend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Set boundries but don't forbid&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have a serious talk with her and tell her how you feel about the fact, tell her that it hurts you very much and that you don't want to lose her because of this&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your girlfriend really loves you that much, then she should realize that having contact with him hurts you and that you can't handle it. Once she realized these points she should stop/reduce the communication with him. If she refuses to stop/reduce the communcation, suggest her that she has a brief talk with that guy about boundries he shouldn't overstep (like the topless picture). If he keeps overstepping the boundries, she should really stop communicate with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't expect it to work instantly, give it a bit time. If you are really uncomfortable with the situation, you can either have a talk with that guy as well to &quot;force&quot; the boundries, or you befriend him. Befriending him can actually work wonders as (most) men don't lay hands on their friends' girlfriends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As also mentioned by &quot;Lot&quot;, excuse yourself for your behaviour in the past and promise to (try) to handle it better in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T11:27:40.507" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16048" CreationDate="2018-07-02T11:42:13.077" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, why are you mad at the guy? He is not in a relationship with you, your girlfriend is. She will not cheat on you unless she wants to (in that moment). So I would not think about him. &#xA;Did you ever spoke with your girlfriend in advance, which kind of contact to guys is acceptable for you? If she cannot agree with your boundaries, you have to think about, whether you can deal with it or if you want to break up. Putting someone in a “jail” will not work, as you already experienced (“you pushed me towards him)”. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe this approach might help you: You are such an awesome guy, that an awesome girl like your girlfriend is in a relationship with you. There is no reason to worry about a random guy. If she loses interest in you, because of another one, it is better you break about now, than later when you are married and/or have children. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is another point, a girlfriend which makes you happy is nice, but should always be the icing on the cake. If she breaks up, you will be sad, but you should still have a life which satisfies you. Being dependent on someone is not only dangerous if that person leaves you, it is also not attractive. Because it puts pressure on that person to stay with you, and no one wants to be pressured to be with someone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice for actions is:&#xA;Do not pressure her, spend quality time with her and do not make this issue about the other guy bigger.&#xA;If she oversteps your red line, leave her. If you cannot stick to your red lines, why do you have one? On the other hand, remember that it is your girlfriend’s decision what she agrees to (with you and with the other guy). So it is just about her and you being a desirable boyfriend.&#xA;Keep a life. Do not leave your social circle for your girlfriend. Do not give up your hobbies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11838" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T11:42:13.077" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16048" CreationDate="2018-07-02T12:31:09.223" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Imagine being married for 20 years. Do you not think both you and your wife would meet interesting, charming people that you might develop a small crush on? I guarantee it would happen, but you are still married. Most importantly, you DO NOT let something like that ruin your relationship. You should recognize the value in the relationship you already have, and let your little crush come and go, like all small crushes do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your significant other is keeping their crush in the picture, talking, flirting, sending pictures, etc, I feel she is encouraging this other guy to do this stuff. If she is keeping this other guy in the picture, then she does not highly value your current relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry bud, but if someone doesn't value you enough, you deserve someone better. You don't deserve for someone to treat you like this. In addition, she will eventually break up with you, save yourself the trouble, and end the relationship now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9216" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T12:31:09.223" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16048" CreationDate="2018-07-02T12:32:52.127" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You told her &lt;em&gt;I appreciated that she was honest to me&lt;/em&gt;, but it does not sound that way.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;She &lt;em&gt;told me that there is no reason to fight for her because she wants to be with me&lt;/em&gt;. It's time you start trusting her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything you write here shows that you don't. I think an apology is needed, not a &lt;em&gt;force her to stop having contact with this dude&lt;/em&gt; or hoping that it will 'blow over' because she will not see him for some time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart from that (and this is an assumption), &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; may have a crush on &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;em&gt;That&lt;/em&gt; you could mention, but &lt;strong&gt;no more&lt;/strong&gt;. It's up to her to decide how to deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10085" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T12:32:52.127" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16038" CreationDate="2018-07-02T13:46:12.970" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background: I live in the northeast U.S., I assume I am about the same age range, and I am deaf, with cochlear implants. I often speak for myself, but struggle to understand what others say. I've been in &lt;em&gt;many&lt;/em&gt; similar situations where I ask them to repeat what they say, repeatedly (This sometimes embarrasses me and annoys others). I believe I also have an audio processing delay, where exactly what you describe happens:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&amp;quot;I will often misunderstand words or have pauses when my language processing seems to &amp;quot;lag&amp;quot; (I might say &amp;quot;sorry, I didn't catch that?&amp;quot; and then right after the words are out of my mouth my brain catches up and I understand what they originally said).&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I also struggle with accents, because in addition to sounding differently, they move their lips differently than native English-speakers, so it causes difficulty with lipreading.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I have encountered many, many situations where after asking them to repeat themselves at least twice, people either look at me weird or say &amp;quot;never mind&amp;quot;, and look/walk away. The people who &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to or need to socialize with me, regardless of my struggles &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; stick and have patience with me. Those are the two general kinds of interactions I've encountered - &lt;strong&gt;those who are patient and those who are not&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For interacting with those who are not patient, I will try to be &amp;quot;extra&amp;quot; engaging with them, maintaining eye contact, laugh a little, say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm sorry, I really, really want to talk with you, I am just having a hard time understanding you, because of... (background noise, accents, etc).&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding emphasis that you are not trying to be weird or avoid interaction, by asking them to repeat themselves may help them get that it is just your struggle, and you simply just need a tiny bit more patience to work out what you both want to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For deaf people, (in my experience) what works best is having a different form of communication ready, if you need it. Most of the time, if they &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; to interact with you for work reasons, you can absolutely ask them if they don't mind using another form of communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;If you don't mind, I have a (pad+pencil/pen, X communication app, etc) that will ensure that we can communicate a bit more smoother, can we use that instead?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe even before the conversation begins, ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Can we exchange numbers so that if I don't understand you, you can easily text me what you wanted to tell me, so that communication flows better?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will be happy to have a easily accessible and consistent form of communication. Here are some ideas for written communication:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Texting app (get the other person's number, and text back and forth)&#xA;If the other person doesn't have a number, nothing wrong with a good old fashioned pen/pencil and paper, or if you prefer digital communication, you can use your notes/notepad app.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some android and IOS apps for more visual communication, like Glide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That aside, my emphasis on &lt;strong&gt;how&lt;/strong&gt; to ask them is &lt;strong&gt;be confident&lt;/strong&gt;. Let them know that you communicate best with people you have a harder time understanding over digital or physical written communication, and once they understand that, there shouldn't be a problem, and you could even ask them if they don't mind writing down what they are saying, then you can speak for yourself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I may not catch what you say the first few times, so if that happens, can you write down what I am missing, and we can continue our conversation?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good communicators &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; take the effort to accommodate &lt;em&gt;each other&lt;/em&gt;, so I don't consider it embarrassing to ask for just a little extra effort. It pays off in the end, and you both walk away happy and in clear understanding of each other!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After looking around more, I found a question that is related to your concern, and may help you find the answer you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/13119/how-to-minimize-embarrassment-when-i-ask-a-question-but-they-nod-and-smile?rq=1&quot;&gt;How to minimize embarrassment when I ask a question but they nod and smile?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Found another question related to your concerns!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3192/how-to-politely-ask-someone-to-repeat-themselves?rq=1&quot;&gt;How to politely ask someone to repeat themselves&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T20:40:47.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16061" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16064" CreationDate="2018-07-02T14:35:55.903" Score="1" ViewCount="894" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: My boyfriend said that he thinks we're in contact too much and that we should cut back on how much we talk - I don't really know what to make of this because I see no issue in how much we talk and I don't know how to explain this to him? He was very clear on making sure I knew he loves me, and I love him,  but I am confused about how to get my views across without sounding needy...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, things are amazing between us, we don't have any relationship problems so to speak, but he recently said he feels like we're in contact too much. We talk every day without fail and I personally don't see the harm in this but he was obviously getting worked up over it - he was very clear in saying to me &quot;I love you, remember that&quot; before he brought it up and he told me he loved me multiple times throughout telling me about the problem (for want of a better word). I love him too and I know that that won't change if we talk less but at the same time I enjoy talking to him and I don't want to stop - he's the only person I have where I am that I can rely on for talking to because I live away from home for work and college and I don't have many friends here I can rely on either due to being on opposite sides of the country and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very confused and I don't know how to bring this up with him - I understand that talking every day might not always be a viable option and I understand that we should both be able to say to the other &quot;Now isn't a good time&quot; because we're busy or something but I'm so confused about it all that I don't know how to bring anything up with him. I'm a very anxious person so despite this being a relatively small issue and one that any normal person could voice their thoughts over no problem, it's a big ask for me because I don't want to seem like a burden to him or come across as needy. I don't even know where to begin with my own thoughts on it all to start forming a coherent response for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I completely understand where he's coming from, we do talk a lot, but at the same time I need him to know how I feel and why I don't want to have to cut back on talking to him. I don't know is it just that I'm afraid there will come a time where I'll really need him and he won't be there or if there's something else that's bugging me over it, I can't quite put my finger on it. I know that we'll figure this out but I could really use some advice about how to tell him how I feel and ways to go about bringing it up with him in a way that won't make me panic or come across as an asshole about it, I want us to be as independent as we can be but still be able to be us when we're together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't live together nor do we see each other more than twice a week if we're lucky, when we do meet up it's only ever for a couple of hours because we are both doing internships for the summer and he faces a long commute every day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update - we talked about it last night and have come to the agreement to talk less, I'm still not sure how I feel about it but I said I'll give it a shot for him, it can't hurt to try&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19380" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T13:51:37.533" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T13:51:37.533" Title="My boyfriend thinks we are in contact too much but I don't and I don't know how to express this to him without upsetting/annoying him" Tags="&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-07-02T19:39:24.917" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16040" CreationDate="2018-07-02T14:37:30.037" Score="-2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These would be among a group of people, where there is one person who is very much self-centered and would tactfully concentrate all the conversations towards themselves. Others do not perceive any sense of narcissism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Narcissists are notoriously hard to counter if third parties do not see their narcissism. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To an oblivious observer, your pushback is indistinguishable from you vehemently opposing the narcissist's contribution to the conversation (for an inexplicable reason, as far as the third parties are concerned); which is going to backfire on you. (&quot;Why are you being so unkind to him?&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you play a game where you're bound to lose, the only way to not lose is to not play the game, but abruptly leaving conversations can in and of itself be considered disrespectful by oblivious third parties.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Which puts you in an impossible position: either you have to suffer the narcissism, or come across as impolite when removing yourself from the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sad to say, it's mostly a no-win scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to minimize negative consequences with third parties, it may be best to simply endure the conversation you're in, but avoid extended conversations with this person in the future.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you're in close repeated contact with this person (e.g. because of work), it will become apparent that you're avoiding them. In such a case, you'll either need to endure the conversations, mentally tune out, or explicitly communicate that you don't enjoy conversing with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T14:37:30.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16061" CreationDate="2018-07-02T15:15:17.453" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you think you can ask him about specific examples or moments when he has that feeling &lt;strong&gt;and then listen to him without any comments from your side&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That can be difficult because you think that you then have to defend your own behaviour. You don't. An inquiry like this &lt;strong&gt;is not about you&lt;/strong&gt;. It is about creating a safe space for him to talk, expressing what's there for him, maybe distinguishing why he feels that way. This may not have anything to do with you even if you think so in that moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can help him by asking why, does he recognize that feeling in/from other situations, maybe what he's afraid of, not making it wrong. Your only intention should be to understand him. Not to argue. You should not even have the intention that &lt;em&gt;this has to change&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So again, &lt;strong&gt;this will only work if you are willing to stay silent, and just &quot;get&quot; what's there for him&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The best moment to have such a conversation is when someone is actually &quot;in&quot; that mood.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What helps when doing things like this is realizing that you both operate from a stand that you do not want to hurt the other. The other &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be hurt (you may 'press a button'), but it is never by intention. Given what you write here yourself, and the way he kept expressing that he loves you, it sounds like that is the case.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe it's good if you ask him first if it is OK to do this kind of inquiry&lt;sup&gt;*&lt;/sup&gt;. Express that you really want to understand him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;* I'm not really sure about this. My wife and I do this when either of us is hurt by something the other did. We have a fixed set of questions, and the one person then asks the other &lt;em&gt;Do you want to go through the questions?&lt;/em&gt; This is an 'established protocol' for us, so we know exactly what that question means.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10085" LastEditorDisplayName="user10085" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T19:45:08.910" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T19:45:08.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16044" CreationDate="2018-07-02T16:47:24.103" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Totally understand that you want to pursue this &lt;em&gt;interpersonally&lt;/em&gt; before anything legal. However, no matter what your approach is, I strongly recommend that you properly understand your legal position &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; you approach them. Even if you don't want to &quot;get legal&quot; with them in your opening gambit, you really don't know how they will respond to it and you might need to fall back on your legal position. In my opinion (and based on experience of very similar situations) the worst thing is not necessarily your neighbour &lt;em&gt;refusing&lt;/em&gt; to act - they may offer a solution that is not adequate to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your introduction, go over there and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I'm your new neighbour, my name is Mark, my family are etc etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Properly introduce yourself before you get to business. Allow them to respond. Ask their name if they don't give it, remember it, and use it during the rest of the conversation - using someone's name when you are on good terms is a sign you are interested in them; but when someone is not interested in being helpful using their name can show you mean business and will follow up your words with actions. No matter what happens, using their name will send the right message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go on to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry to come to you with a problem on our first meeting, but I've found some damp in my garage and it looks like it is being caused by your patio blocking the damp course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you speak of the damp problem in the present tense (ie it &quot;&lt;em&gt;is being caused by&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and not in the past like it is historic).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, for whatever happens next you need to be in the know legally speaking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not an expert in the law, but your legal position covers &lt;strong&gt;at least&lt;/strong&gt; the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If any space/land/driveways between your property are &quot;shared&quot; your title deeds will outline what your access rights are and may well also detail what you can/can't do on it (eg build a patio on it). Property doesn't have to be leasehold to include conditions like this - freehold properties that are close together often do too, especially where paths/driveways join. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even if there is &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; &quot;shared&quot; land, where properties join neighbours have to grant &lt;em&gt;reasonable&lt;/em&gt; access to one another for the purpose of repairing your own property. &quot;Reasonable&quot;, or whatever similar word is used in law, just means you can't march onto the property and start work, you have to let them know and have some flexibility on timing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you bought the property in this condition, I'm not sure if legally you can ask them to fix it and pay for it. If they are super-nice neighbours and they offer to do just that - happy days! But obviously the work has to be completed to a standard &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are happy with, so be cautious about what you accept. Ask to see a detailed quotation for the work so that you know what is being done and by whom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, even if they &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; feel like they should pay to fix it (and I don't know that they are obliged to, you'd have to ask a solicitor), you &lt;strong&gt;are&lt;/strong&gt; at least legally entitled to access their property and carry out whatever work needed to fix your problem, and that &lt;strong&gt;doesn't&lt;/strong&gt; include fixing up their patio to &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; preferred standard. So your neighbour may well be faced with a decision - do they pay to fix your damp course and make sure their patio is made good along with it, &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; do they allow you to rip up their patio in order to fix your damp course, leaving their patio in goodness knows what state?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get some proper advice on this first, but I think that is the position your neighbour will be in. So &lt;strong&gt;if they &lt;em&gt;refuse&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; to do anything for you, just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, well I didn't expect you to pay to repair my property, but I must get access for &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; workmen to access my damp course via your property. That will mean digging up whatever part of your patio is blocking it. I'll get some quotes for the work and then we can discuss a convenient time for them to carry out the work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then leave politely. This will give your neighbour time to think about it. They will likely reason as I have above - that it may be &lt;em&gt;in their best interest&lt;/em&gt; to be involved in the work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T16:47:24.103" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16066" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15948" CreationDate="2018-07-02T17:43:53.707" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would straight up ask her why personally! Even if there is nothing that could make you jealous, there is an obvious reason that is not disclosed in her mind as to why she is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe they are talking to her in a way that she wants you to talk to her, maybe she is showing you pics of chats to show that even though you guys are in an open relationship, she wants to go forward with you and hinting that nothing is now going on between previous potentials. Maybe she is just sending you the convos because she found something amusing and wanted to discuss or get your reaction out of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I frequently send convos I have with others to friends. Sometimes it's because I wanted them to share in a good laugh, other times it was to show proof of words said, but most of the time, it was sent with the intent to create a topic to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So initially I would engage on the pic that is sent. Say Bob is telling a story of doing something stupid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh man, can't believe Bob actually went and did that! I would be embarrassed if I did that in front of my class. I noticed lately you have been sending me pictures of conversations you have been having. Was there something you wanted to show me or talk about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Possible Option 1:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may say &quot;Oh no! I just thought the conversations were amusing and thought you might get a good laugh out of it too.&quot; Which there you can make your own choices of whether to take the texts as something cryptic or not (and maybe knowing she sent it to you for amusement may take the edge off the distaste for it). Or you can simply respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand where you are coming from but I respect the privacy of conversations and would rather we find other ways to share a good laugh. I do like memes!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This expresses a dislike for it without being straight up &quot;I don't like it&quot;. That can be interpreted in many ways, especially over text. By providing a softer approach, you are stating your dislike and providing an alternative method for which she can still share a good laugh with you on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Possible Option 2:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conversely, she may say something like &quot;Oh, I have been sending them to you because I wanted to show you nothing was going on with other guys and hoping maybe we could be more serious?&quot; Like the other hypothetical option, it's up to you on how you want to perceive that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate you bringing that up, why don't we discuss this on our next date this Friday? Talking about this over a text message is probably not the best way! Also, next time, if you ever want to talk to me about something serious feel free to! You don't need to send me text messages of others. I would rather you come and ask me directly :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This again allows you to express your dislike of something without coming off as jealous or uncomfortable. You let her know that the next time she feels the need to discuss with something she can come to you directly. That should let her know she doesn't need to be cryptic anymore. You also help set the example for having a more serious talk face to face rather than over a text message and, hopefully, by saying to discuss it on your next date, may alleviate any fears from you about a negative response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T17:43:53.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16061" CreationDate="2018-07-02T18:20:09.793" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would definitely ask him and listen to why he feels this way. As introverts, we tend to like a more intimate 1 on 1 conversation with deep connections to a few people. You mentioned in a comment that he is very extroverted. It's possible that he feels the need to socialize with other people. Maybe his friends are giving him a hard time because when they hang out, he is always texting you and not paying attention to his friends. Maybe he wants to be able to workout and not have 5 text messages waiting and feel like he needs to immediately respond or else you think something is wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever it is though as Jan said, ask and be attentive to what he says. Less focus on how you feel and more focused on how he feels as this is a new boundary he is trying to establish and hope you respect. You may find out some things that you were not aware of by actively listening to his feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communication is always good, so make sure to maintain good communication, but part of good communication also comes with good listening. He assured you that he still loves you, take the chance to understand his side. Once he is done, think about it for a moment, contemplate his feelings and thoughts and then provide him with an honest response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He knows it bothers you that he is asking you to talk less. That's why he went out of his way to reaffirm his love for you. Try to also be understanding and see if there is a way to come to an agreement or compromise that allows you to understand his wants/needs without totally hurting you or allows you to feel better about the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T18:20:09.793" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16044" CreationDate="2018-07-02T18:43:36.590" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with Astralbee on that you should know your rights - and the limit of them. But I propose a different negotiation strategy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the first meeting, I would introduce myself, get to know my neighbor, have a nice smalltalk and build as much of a rapport with them as I could. You know how important first impressions are. I would &lt;em&gt;mention&lt;/em&gt; the damp in my garage, maybe even ask if the former owner ever talked about it, but don't propose any way to rectify it. And &lt;em&gt;don't even mention&lt;/em&gt; that the cause of the problen &lt;em&gt;lies on their property&lt;/em&gt;. Even stated objectively, it could (subconciously) be interpreted as blaming or attacking your neighbour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This first mention gives your neighbor time to think about the problem. Maybe theiy know about the cause and feel guilty, maybe they don't care. But since you did not put the blame on them, they can at least think objectively about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, a few days later, talk to your neighbour again. First have some smalltalk again, to get into a light and friendly mood. Then mention that you found the cause of the damp. Ask your neighbour if he would be okay with your idea of rectifying the problem. Offer your help in replacing the slabs. Ask if they have another idea. Depending on how old the patio is, they might have plans to replace it in the future. Maybe they can speed up those plans. &#xA;Give your reasons why you want to address the problem as soon as possible, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Once the autumn rain sets in, it will only get worse. And in winter the damp could do real damage. Besides, I would want to work on the patio as long as the weather is mild.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to ask them for their ideas and willingness to work on a solution instead of pushing your ideas on them. That way they feel at least somewhat in control of the situation, even if they are legally bound to rectify the patio.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if they show no interest in helping you, please consult Astralbees answer for a perfect response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-15T01:52:17.090" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T01:52:17.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15948" CreationDate="2018-07-02T19:41:21.787" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your girlfriend has a reason to send these messages. You don't know the reason, I don't know the reason. Most likely she is giving you some hints about something, and you don't get the hint. Women giving hints and men not getting them is quite normal, but not very satisfying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Confronting&quot; her will do you no good whatsoever. Showing her that you don't approve is quite bad, because most likely there is nothing going on that you would need to approve of. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your two choices are figuring out what the hints are about, by listening carefully what she is saying about everything, by checking what these messages were actually saying. That would be excellent if you can figure it out correctly. And the other choice of course is asking her. Not directly asking, but saying that you don't understand it, so you are not accusing her of anything, or don't say anything that can be taken as an accusation, but to give her an opportunity to explain those hints. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T19:41:21.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15943" CreationDate="2018-07-02T20:23:22.220" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a friendly and we're-all-buddies tone, immediately after they yell, yell back (slightly less loud) &quot;Gentlemen. How can anyone think around here with you guys making such a loud ruckus.&quot; Laugh a little. Smile. Spread your hands out wide, open palms facing up slightly like a mild question, body facing them, unafraid, unstressed. Make sure your tone falls at the end and you use a deeper voice rather than a higher one—you are asking a question, but your tone suggests a statement. You're not asking. You're not complaining. You're speaking as one kind of rough, loud, confident person to another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pass it off as a friendly jab. You're not &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; serious... or are you? You've made them aware without making it a big deal. You're not really bothered (it appears). You don't speak again about it. If they're still too loud, you leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were to end up chatting with them a little, exchanging names and making a surface contact/friendship where you shot the breeze for a minute or two, then you'll have built enough capital that you could try one more attempt: &quot;Hey guys, by the way, it seems like you're really enjoying this game, but you're so loud, how am I going to explain to my wife that I need five-thousand-dollar eardrum surgery, and she can't buy a new Louis Vuitton handbag after all?&quot; You cannot sound annoyed. It has to be off-hand. It has to sound like a joke that actually has a chance of making them laugh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Source&lt;/strong&gt;: I suggest this particular technique as an implementation of &quot;calibrated questions&quot; and active listening from the book &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/B01COR1GM2&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It&lt;/a&gt; by Chris Voss. He mentions tonality some, but the rest of the tonality advice I'm taking from the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCs14Smim-bliHN4GBEom-Vg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Charisma Matrix YouTube channel&lt;/a&gt;. Plus some inspiration of my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastEditorUserId="2568" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T17:10:19.760" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T17:10:19.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16072" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15975" CreationDate="2018-07-02T20:37:48.780" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your obsession with winning the game has led you to lose sight of winning the game. The problem is that your idea of &quot;winning&quot; and &quot;game&quot; are far too short sighted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A single soccer match doesn't exist in isolation. It could be 1 match in a season, 1 match in a tournament, but it's never just the &quot;1 match for now and forever&quot;. You're not playing just a game of soccer, you're playing an iterated game of games. Your strategy shouldn't be to be the insufferable try-hard who wins a single soccer game. As you saw, that's repulsive, and has a fair chance of limiting your access to future soccer games. Your optimal strategy would be one that wins the game of games. Part of that is playing with enough sportsmanship &lt;strong&gt;that people will continue to want to play with you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Funny enough, Jordan Peterson brings up this exact topic up on the Joe Rogan Experience today. I would urge you to watch it, from &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/9Xc7DN-noAc?t=41m20s&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;41m20s&lt;/a&gt; to up to 45:35.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...and so when you say to your kid that it doesn't matter if you win or&#xA;  lose, it's how you play the game, what you're saying is &quot;Don't forget,&#xA;  kid, that what you're trying to do here is to do well at life, and you &#xA;  need to practice to develop the strategies that let you do well at life,&#xA;  while you're in any specific game. You never want to compromise your&#xA;  ability to do well at life for the sake of winning a single game.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3074" LastEditorUserId="3074" LastEditDate="2018-07-02T23:37:26.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T23:37:26.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15950" CreationDate="2018-07-02T20:50:21.427" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I really much agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/15952/13736&quot;&gt;TheRealLester's answer&lt;/a&gt;, and want to add some things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, and also applied to this situation, if someone invites you to do something or offer something to you, if you explain why you can't or don't want to, but also suggest an alternative - it will go well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did it quite a lot, since a lot of times I prefer not to attend big/loudly places, as my hearing is bad and I just need to make a lot of effort to try and contact people.&lt;BR&gt;&#xA;Also with other reasons, such as: The people invited (as in your situation), the type of gathering (smoking, drinking etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think it's best to make it clear, talk to those friends about the situation and suggest an alternative for celebrating to them. Better something that you and your couple will organize and in their area - so it's really coming to them and not something that can make them less enthusiastic about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not in the conflict at the moment (aka you we're not just invited to such party), you can proactively suggest a celebration for the four of you, before they even invite you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13736" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T20:50:21.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16044" CreationDate="2018-07-02T22:15:20.657" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;How can I ask my new neighbour to rectify this without causing hostility towards me?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contrary to the other answers, I think that (as a fallback to being provoked or not) anyone bringing up the law to insist their new neighbours do work on/pay for/change something that has likely been there for a while is one of the surest ways to create hostility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who lives in a somewhat rural residential area, neighbours and neighbourly relations is a big part of my day to day and there is nothing more dividing that you could do than knock on your new neighbour's front door and demand they pay for a new patio. It may be within your rights, and you may have the law backing you up but in my experience no matter how you put it it will downright ruin any future relationship you could have with your neighbours and &lt;strong&gt;that&lt;/strong&gt; is a lot more costly than some damp if you ask me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I disagree on falling back to the law, I do agree with the other answers suggestion to try and build a relationship with them first. For me, neighbourly etiquette is that it's totally fine to &lt;strong&gt;ask&lt;/strong&gt; them if they wouldn't mind fixing the patio if you have a relationship with them. Just common interactions, waving as you leave for work, introducing yourself to the neighbourhood, chatting if you see them doing yard work, doing favours when they would clearly be appreciated and the like are some good ways to build up a relationship. Inviting them over for dinner is the big one if you are up for it. If you don't have a relationship with them then I would push towards just making them aware and trying to bring it up in a way that doesn't sound accusatory. Then once you have asked/pointed it out it is in their hands. If they respond stubbornly or make it clear that they have no intention of fixing the patio then I would ask myself which is more important because I do not think you will be able to have a good relationship with them if your early interactions are all legal battles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-15T01:53:43.590" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T01:53:43.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12999" CreationDate="2018-07-02T23:23:33.497" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Or you could just say - you might be right, but I like what I'm doing. If he's a good friend, he will understand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This reminds me of an incident years ago, another case of good intentions but inaccurate interpretation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a large garbage can in my apartment, filled with empty beer cans. Well, it wasn't smelling bad or anything, so I never bothered to take it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months later, a close friend said he was worried about me becoming an alcoholic, because every time he came over, I had this huge garbage can overflowing with beer cans. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had to tell him - those are the same beer cans that were there two months ago. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a slob. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19337" LastActivityDate="2018-07-02T23:23:33.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16076" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16079" CreationDate="2018-07-03T02:07:12.677" Score="41" ViewCount="17795" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and my girl, Alice, have been in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) for a while now. So we mostly communicate via text or an occasional video or voice call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently I have been getting more and more busy with work, getting a new apartment and some personal things. As such, I sometimes don't even remember to check my phone or am just too in the zone to read messages. Sometimes even when I do reply I send a short message which does not seem to cultivate the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice is still in school and she is having her holidays at the moment. She found a part-time job for some extra cash but mostly she's pretty free so she texts me often. However, recently--for about two whole days--she hardly sent any texts and after some prodding &lt;strong&gt;she told me that she isn't texting me as often since she feels she is disturbing me and distracting me from my work.&lt;/strong&gt; I have tried telling her otherwise but she still believes that I'm just saying she isn't to be nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side-note: She is from the West and I'm from the East (of the world)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convince her that she isn't detrimental to my work or busy schedule and in fact helps me get through the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-07T06:17:32.173" Title="Girlfriend feels she distracts me with her texts, any good way to prove otherwise?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16076" CreationDate="2018-07-03T02:32:34.973" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Honey, I know it seems like I'm unavailable because I'm working, and sometimes my responses aren't as comprehensive or as quick as they should be, but the reality is that being reminded of you throughout the day helps me get through my day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If it's hard for you that I don't always reply, and at times don't reply with enough input, I'm sorry for that, but I don't want you to stop trying to contact me because I really do value it and it makes a difference for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honest and clarity makes things simple, as is represented through the general sentiment in these answers :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you are being genuine, and aren't at all bothered by it. I know my partner can sense quite quickly when I'm not being fully available for any reason other than just being busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all of my relationships, my inability to share clearly what is going on for me and when has been the cause of the most significant issues long-term. It's like the planting of a seed, which quickly grows to create space and dissonance which is NOT what you want with your significant other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my previous experience, my inability to respond to my SO's messages in a spontaneous, jovial manner has indicated that there is a discrepancy in the way I am feeling towards her, so in situations like these it is best to take some time to also look into yourself and what you are really feeling in the moment. Maybe a part of you is mildly bothered by the interruptions? When I have been honest with myself in the past, that has sometimes been the case. Other times it has simply been that I haven't communicated with her about things going on for me (example: when we're together she behaves in a certain way which bothers me slightly, but I don't acknowledge or deal with it in the moment), these things all build up to create something more significant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19387" LastEditorUserId="19387" LastEditDate="2018-07-07T06:17:32.173" LastActivityDate="2018-07-07T06:17:32.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16076" CreationDate="2018-07-03T04:18:57.807" Score="88" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just finally converted a long distance relationship back into a short range relationship&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;, but during the long distance times I had this same exact issue. Only, my SO handled it completely differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since we're very open, they told me they felt like I wasn't giving the relationship enough of my time and that they were putting in far more effort than me only to get rebuffed. In not so many words, they told me to either be a part of the relationship or to end it. They were exactly right in all of their points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you want to be in this relationship, you need to work for it, even if it's tough. This is your girl's way of telling you that she's not comfortable with the way things are going. She wants to be able to message you and get responses or be able to talk to you, but she doesn't feel like she can.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can fix this by explaining to her that you enjoy her messages and want her to keep them up, but is it fair to ask for one sided love when you're not able to put in the effort to reciprocate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my situation, this was resolved with scheduled phone calls and a dedicated response once a night. Once I did it for a few weeks, it became a habit. Get back from work, go to the gym, make dinner, spend an hour doing whatever, shower, reply to the SO and crash. It became part of my schedule. And honestly, I didn't even notice that my SO had been falling out of my life until I forcefully put them back into my schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be tough, but if you want this relationship to last, you need to be willing to give some of your dedicated time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR/Conclusion&lt;/strong&gt;: This may be a cry for help and more attention in the relationship. Regardless though, the best way to tell her she &quot;isn't detrimental&quot; is to &lt;em&gt;show her&lt;/em&gt; by giving her the love and attention she's looking for. From personal experience, I'd suggest adding a time in your schedule to dedicate to your SO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. That's what they're called, right? &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T18:04:31.703" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T18:04:31.703" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16080" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16083" CreationDate="2018-07-03T04:20:19.930" Score="36" ViewCount="10954" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm approaching a social situation now where I'm straddling the line of authority figure and friend, and while I think I have a plan set to address this, I'd like some input from others, get some advice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A group of six of my friends and I meet weekly to play Dungeons and Dragons. I am the &quot;dungeon master&quot;, who is in charge of preparing and narrating the world, as well as preparing the various situations/puzzles/etc for the players to solve. This takes a significant portion of my limited free time each week to prepare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My issue comes from the fact that these friends are part of a larger extended circle of friends all from the same high school and college circles. My closer friends are these six that I typically play with, however I have had extended interaction with several other members of the outer circle as well. Every week, this extended social circle is often planning events (going out to bars, barbecues, etc.) in a large WhatsApp group chat rather than individually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During our game sessions, this group frequently discusses plans made over this group chat, parties and outings and such with Friend X or Friend Y that are group events or open to further attendees (&quot;Oh, I think Friend Z is coming too.&quot;, etc.) The past few months have made me aware of a pattern of behavior within this group that has been occurring. Our group chat specifically for the DnD group flares up before sessions to organize, we have our session, and then the chat goes quiet again for another week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue, and the source of my feelings, is that I am not invited to any of these functions, nor do any of them speak to me much outside of our weekly games. I have asked a few times to join the larger chat in socially subtle ways (&quot;Hey, that sounds like fun, can I come? Would you add me?&quot;) to an affirmative reply and a promise to add, only for them not to after a series of similarly subtle cues to remind them (&quot;I haven't received the invitation, by the way.&quot; etc.) The reply to this is usually an affirmative, but to this day I have not been included. The culmination of this behavior was an invitation to a birthday party via Facebook, which I only realized I had missed by one of these friends calling me the day before the scheduled event asking where I was, as the party had been moved to that day. This discussion was had over the group WhatsApp yet again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have about three to four hours of free time each day after work, gym, and chores have been completed. One to two of these each day, weekends included, are spent preparing for this group game every week. I don't charge for my time or services, and only want their camaraderie in return. I believe the core of why I feel hurt by this is that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most of these friends have known me since middle school (We are&#xA;currently 24+)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have made repeat attempts to attend or be ingratiated to social&#xA;functions, only to be left out or my own invitations not responded&#xA;to/ignored.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This group otherwise acts friendly and casual when around me, despite&#xA;this behavior.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't believe I should have to work harder to be engaged in their&#xA;friendship than they do with me, as that is rather exhausting to me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My &quot;best friend&quot; is also in this circle.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My plan is to have our scheduled session on this upcoming Saturday, then before we end for the evening, bring up how I feel directly with them. I'm not entirely sure if this is the best way to go about this. Thoughts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19388" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T11:38:02.940" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T12:56:55.603" Title="How do I tell my friends that I want to be included in activities beyond our gaming sessions without alienating them?" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16080" CreationDate="2018-07-03T05:34:23.097" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recommend going to your &quot;best friend&quot; you mentioned, ask him in a 1 to 1 talk if you could be included and ask him for his honest opinion why you are not included. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also like you to ask yourself if you think there is anything in you that is particularly different from your friends, as to why they could be &quot;leaving you out&quot; of the whatsapp group. I am assuming they do not necessarily hate you, maybe they are not too comfortable with you in it yet, or if you could be sensitive to the content of the group. E.g. You are sensitive to racial jokes and maybe they joke about it inside, so in turn to protect you and themselves, they try not to include you in there. &#xA;If there is, I am not saying that you should change the way you are or your principles to suit your friends, but maybe attempt to adapt if you are in anyway socially awkward with them outside of gaming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you mentioned about social events such as BBQs... How about you try to organize one and invite them? If they do not invite you you can always try to invite them! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I also hope you do not burn out about this, this is just a part of life and whatever priorities you have should still continue on... Do not stress out or be too worried about it, remember to stay the way you are!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should you have more questions or want to address anything to my answer above, feel free to, I will be checking back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19280" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T05:34:23.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16082" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10563" CreationDate="2018-07-03T06:53:37.830" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Basically, if a person is interested in you then they will be present in your life. This is because they will be feeling how you are feeling right now, and will strive to be in contact. This is a question of realisation and acceptance, you have to realise these points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your person is not big on social media, this could very well be because he is cautious and considers his privacy very important to him. - there is nothing wrong with being private and it is probably being cautious, therefore repeated attempts at contact might be alienating him. or he may just be enjoying your idolisation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If a person wishes to be closer to you, you will know because they will always be at hand in one way or another and will make moves to stay in contact. This is a sad lesson but a true one - pushing a situation with nothing coming the other way will most probably end in a fruitless relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We cannot always have what we want, nor should we try to trick our way into getting it. Either things will just happen for us or they will not. It is better not to dream about things that are not there in reality.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer is that you should stop trying to contact this person. If you get nothing from that point then you have your answer. If you do get some more interaction then just be yourself, do not be pushy or keen to further things, but allow this to develop naturally. Always be yourself, and make sure that you are getting his true self so that you are loving each other for the right reasons. So sadly stop chasing, wait and see and accept the outcome without being sad about it. Avoid heartache later on when it is too late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T06:53:37.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16080" CreationDate="2018-07-03T08:20:52.967" Score="42" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My plan is to have our scheduled session on this upcoming Saturday, then before we end for the evening, bring up how I feel directly with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't recommend that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(In my experience) people are tired after a gaming session and may not have the time / stamina / patience / etc. for a difficult discussion around social stuff .&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're putting a whole group on the spot. It's not clear how they should react (and who of them should react) and that can cause panic reactions (freezing, denying everything, putting the blame on you, etc.) from them that both they and you will regret.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather go for a one on one talk with the one most socially adept and friendly to you separate from the gaming session. After all, it is a separate issue - it's not about the game, it's about &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; activities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to predict how that will go because it depends on their reasons for not including you and their openness about them. Given that you say you already repeatedly tried to get invited and to invite them yourself, it sounds like there really is an underlying issue (even if it's just laziness to the point of carelessness).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you go for the one on one talk, however, consider whether you're OK with GMing at this level of effort if they don't include you in their activities. If not, consider how you would feel about reducing your game preparation time to pick up a new hobby that will let you meet new friends (sports, music, acting, volunteering, etc.). And/or consider if you could start a new gaming group with &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; players who may become your new friends and may actually be willing to include you in their activities. In short: think about how you can react in a constructive manner (for yourself) in the long-term when they keep excluding you from their activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not entitled to be included in all of their activities - and they are not entitled to your time and effort for preparing the game. If the friendship doesn't work for you, try finding other friends who are willing to include you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't mean you immediately have to &quot;break up&quot; with the existing gaming group - just shifting the focus away from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A number of games I was in faded out because some members didn't care about making and sticking to dates. They never took the initiative to propose the next date, would decline proposals because they were busy but not indicated when they &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; have time, and when a date was set show up hours late. So the other members of the group arranged other games (not including they &quot;busy people&quot;) and the focus shifted to those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1798" LastEditorUserId="1798" LastEditDate="2018-07-04T09:27:12.757" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T09:27:12.757" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16038" CreationDate="2018-07-03T08:45:51.277" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have the exact same issue,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My hearing is actually good, I can hear a phone ringing over a loud television etc. and will often be telling my GF her phone is ringing when she can not here it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I am constantly saying 'What?!?' to my GF, and then before she repeats what she is saying it will click, and I can respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My solution to this in my work environment is very simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When some is talking to me I will completely stop whatever else I am doing, listen to what they say, and simply wait before I give a response. Its the classic, think before you speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And by waiting i feel I give better clarity in responses. In my younger years I would be anxious about this, and sometimes just give a response without truly understanding what had just been said to me, and my responses were not always in tune with the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously the wait will not put people off, people value a though out response more than idle generic mumbo jumbo replies. And by rushing I felt like i tended to agree vocally with A LOT more than I actually morally agreed with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not overthink this, I also get a lot of people saying 'What?!?' to me, as to make life even more fun, I having an annoying thick brummie accent (birmingham, UK) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19391" LastEditorUserId="19391" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T09:58:18.517" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T09:58:18.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9533" CreationDate="2018-07-03T14:01:06.187" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;I hate that they fight for things which we are not responsible for.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other answers don't seem to pick up on this line; but it's wrong.&#xA;Tom is responsible here.  Summer called him to re-arrange, and it was he who agreed to the change without discussing it with the rest of the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, it is Tom that has put his friends 2nd place.&#xA;You state that Summer doesn't realise that she's wasting peoples time, but how are you so sure?  I'd almost put money that she was at the mall already, and just didn't want to put the 30 minutes drive in to get to the beach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that - as the other answers say; you have to accept that you all need to sort out your priorities.  You need to work out if Tom and Summer are optional in these cases since your intention is to make your other friend feel better - and then let Tom work out if he wants to be there or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you could find some better games to play in the car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2353" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T14:01:06.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16091" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16092" CreationDate="2018-07-03T15:28:37.350" Score="101" ViewCount="23025" Body="&lt;p&gt;My high-functioning autistic daughter was suspended from summer camp for hitting a smaller child (my daughter's in the oldest grade; everyone is smaller than she is). I agreed at the time to placate the teachers and parents of the other child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BACKGROUND:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;As I spoke to my daughter that evening, I found that she had been placed in a situation that triggers her strongest sensory issue and required two skills that she's in Special Education for: articulating when under stress and socio-emotional skills. She tried multiple times to get this kid out of her face while she was eating, but the kid was young and ignored my daughter's requests to get out of her personal space. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The teachers &lt;em&gt;saw this happening and did not intervene&lt;/em&gt; although they have known for years that my daughter is autistic and has limitations. My daughter generally regulates herself by leaving uncomfortable situations. Here they were on a field trip and she was trapped in a confined area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel this incident was extremely unfair and very hurtful to my daughter as she is fully aware enough to feel intense shame for an action that she was developmentally unable to prevent, though at first she gave the developmentally appropriate action (using her words) a solid try. However, the other kid persisted until mine spilled over and struck out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to note that the punch couldn't have been very hard because the incident report specifically stated that there was no swelling, redness, bruising, or abrasions, so it's not like she walloped the kid aggressively. This was a defensive action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;QUESTION:&lt;/strong&gt; How should I approach communicating with her teachers that she still needs their assistance in high tension social situations? I don't want to get adversarial at all because these people are her after school care as well and I can't afford to &quot;take my ball and go home,&quot; but I want to let them know they let my daughter down by not coming to her aid when she was being harassed and that they're glossing over real developmental disabilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Question slightly edited based on @apaul's suggestion&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17513" LastEditorUserId="17513" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T17:40:57.640" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T18:27:53.563" Title="How do I protest my child's suspension without &quot;poisoning the well&quot;?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16092" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16091" CreationDate="2018-07-03T16:04:15.967" Score="135" Body="&lt;p&gt;My eldest step-son is on the spectrum and had a similar incident when he was 9 or 10. Another kid pushed all of his triggers and my step-son snapped and tried to choke the kid. This was way out of character for my step-son, he'd never been violent before, and after hearing what happened it was pretty clear that he was provoked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is... Being provoked is a reason, but it's not an excuse. I knew full well that the other kid was being a brat and looking for a reaction, but that doesn't excuse a violent reaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my ex and I opted to treat the situation as a teachable moment. We let the punishment stand, and took away screen time at home for a week or two. We sat down and had a long talk with him about what happened, how he reacted, how he could have seriously hurt or killed the other kid, and how he should handle being provoked in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for dealing with the school, it was addressed in IEP hell...(individual education plan meetings are the worst) We never protested the punishment, we just asked that the staff be a little more aware of bullying and asked that they intervene before things got out of hand. We tried to be clear that we didn't want someone to helicopter over him at all times. He needed to learn to deal with uncomfortable situations on his own, but he needed a little help with that, and no one should be a target.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though your child is in summer camp, rather than school, requesting an in-person meeting with the teachers/staff will probably go over better than a letter. At the very least, it will leave less room for interpretation. Talking over what you're doing at home and what you would like them to be doing at camp will probably lead to a better, more collaborative result. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm happy to say that it worked. After the one incident, and letting the punishment stick, it hasn't been a problem since. He learned from the experience. He's 16 now and is a pretty easy going guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T16:22:01.733" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T16:22:01.733" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16093" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16076" CreationDate="2018-07-03T17:08:19.110" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Actions speak louder than words ever will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop doing this immediately:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As such, I sometimes don't even remember to check my phone or am just too in the zone to read messages. Sometimes even when I do reply I send a short message which does not seem to cultivate the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;because it validates her notion of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she told me that she isn't texting me as often since she feels she is disturbing me and distracting me from my work&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make an earnest effort to engage in conversation even if it is not convenient for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is she the one always initiating communication? Why don't you text her out of the blue and ask how things are going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T17:08:19.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16094" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16098" CreationDate="2018-07-03T17:08:48.773" Score="9" ViewCount="1491" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I met this person, S at a church I was attending at the time (I changed churches for different reasons). We became friends, because we had a few common interests, and I wanted to help S learn sign language (S wanted to become an interpreter, which is great. No problem with that.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation:&lt;/strong&gt; When we would try to get together, S would leave some vague comment or message to me, and I would be the one to mostly initiate the questions that were vital to scheduling a lunch time together. We have had a few lunches together, and they were enjoyable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A recent situation that disappointed me is that S went away to a workshop, and we both expected to meet on Sunday for lunch, after her expected return on Saturday. S just now (Tuesday afternoon, 2 days later) messaged me that the workshop went longer than expected, and she wants to reschedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;S did not communicate &lt;strong&gt;AT ALL&lt;/strong&gt; that she would be missing the lunch date, either before or on the day. Not really appreciated. If S simply forgot and was busy, I understand that, but this is not the first time S has forgotten to communicate with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was in S's shoes, and I was missing a lunch date with someone, I would let that person know after I realized that I could not make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have rescheduled many, many lunch dates (at least 6) with S in the past, and I am trying to figure out if this friendship is worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am asking how to communicate to S that if S makes a date with me, she either needs to stick with it or let me know that it won't work out in a reasonable time &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; the lunchtime. I do not mind if we reschedule it if needed, but I need to know at least a couple hours before, because when I make a plan, I stick with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I have expressed disappointment at missing another lunchtime with her, and have jokingly said something along the lines of &amp;quot;You better not miss the next one! Third time's the charm?!&amp;quot;, and I am a pretty forgiving person in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of our busy schedules, we are not able to interact much. I work 9 to 5, and her schedule is varied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has expressed desire to have a lunch date with me multiple times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extra note:&#xA;She is leaving to an out of state college by the end of August, and if this friendship is going to be salvaged, it would have to be within the next month or so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question: How do I communicate to S that her actions are not appreciated, without shutting down friendship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Update&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I responded to her, &amp;quot;Sure (we can meet up), when and where?&amp;quot; and she has neither seen the message or responded, and it's been more than 72 hours. I like to think that she has good reasons for not seeing or responding for a long time period, but at this point my expectations are low.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second Update:&lt;/strong&gt; I have scheduled a lunch date with her two weeks from this Sunday. We shall see what happens. I have very low expectations at this point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third Update&lt;/strong&gt; S canceled that lunch, postponed it. Supposed to have dinner tonight, and she informed me that she can't make it due to a friend being induced to give birth today and that friend needs her. I understand, but this is going pretty far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T13:35:25.767" Title="How to approach a person that has stood me up several times?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16095" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16091" CreationDate="2018-07-03T17:10:30.047" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I fully understand that you want to defend and protect your daughter, but as I see it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your daughter was provoced and attacked the other child, which you claim she was &quot;developmentally unable to prevent&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The other child &lt;strong&gt;did not&lt;/strong&gt; purposefully provoke your daughter, it was &quot;developmentally unable to prevent&quot; the situation just as much as your daughter&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's better for her to learn to cope in difficult situations. I don't mean &lt;em&gt;overcome her autism and act like a &quot;normal&quot; child&lt;/em&gt; but find her own coping mechanisms in a world that will put her in challanging situations over and over again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot expect her teachers to hover like a guardian angel and deflect any negative inputs from the world. They have to take care of all children equally. &#xA;But you can give them and your daughter a kind of &quot;magic tool&quot; that lets your daughter express without struggle that she is in a difficult situation and requires help / intervention. That can be a short sentence, a physical object or a melody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You explained that her usual coping mechanism didn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My daughter generally regulates herself by leaving uncomfortable situations. Here they were on a field trip and she was trapped in a confined area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine the same situation, but now your daughter stands up, goes to a teacher and presents her &quot;magic tool&quot;. There would have been no chance of overlooking or misunderstanding the situation now. If the kid followed her, the teacher would probably hold it back to talk to your daughter calmly first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples of what this &quot;magic tool&quot; can be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;short phrases like &quot;beetlejuice&quot; or &quot;This is bad&quot; repeated over and over. Make sure teachers know exactly which phrase is the &quot;magical&quot; one.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Any line from a song or lullaby or book that she remembers very well and can recite in stressfull situations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A colorfull ribbon, cloth, scarf or handkerchief that she always has in her pocket (or wears as bracelet) and can wave around in stressfull situations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I'm on the highway to hell&quot; or a similar catchy song or melody that can be sung or screamed&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Any objects that make a distinguished sound when activated, like a clicker toy or electrical doorbell. I strongly advice against bells and chimes and similar objects that produce sounds when not intended.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to your letter of protest, don't protest. At least not in the way you did in your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can explain the situation from your perspective, but don't blame the other child and don't absolve your daughter of any blame. That's your biased view as parent. Instead acknowledge that the incident was preventable and that both parties did not act maliciously but are not without blame either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, this would be the perfect time to explain your daughters new &quot;magic tool&quot; to teachers and parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Edit in response to comments&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no experience in teaching children, but in dealing with people on the autism spectrum in several ranges of age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;magic tool&quot; is indeed a child-friendly adaptation of a concept called &quot;Safeword&quot;. I chose the obscure name because Safewords are primarily associated with the BDSM scene, which could deter people from further research.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, a Safeword is a visual or auditory clue that signals a concept or a state of mind that cannot be explained in simple words. Some real-life examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;SOS is a Safeword for &quot;I'm in danger, I need help&quot;. Most people even understand the auditory code of 3 short, 3 long and 3 short beeps despite having no idea what Morse Code is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A panic button is &lt;em&gt;the&lt;/em&gt; physical incarnation of a Safeword&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Incomming!&quot; signals opponents or enemies approaching in a competitive or war setting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A siren of a police car or ambulance can be understood as a Safeword meaning &quot;Dire situation, make way!&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In the BBC show &quot;Sherlock&quot; John Watson uses the Safeword &quot;a bit not good&quot; to signal Sherlock that his behaviour is socially not acceptable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some families or close friends unconciously develop a Safeword on their own like holing hands in a certain way signaling &quot;I need your support&quot; or referring to a past embarassing situation to say &quot;don't embarass yourself again&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The english Wikipedia article is not very elaborate, so I will summarize the concept in my own words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All parties have to agree beforehand what a Safeword is and what it means&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All parties have to honor the Safeword. It can be used by all parties.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All parties must be able to remember and use the Safeword. &quot;Deoxyribonucleic acid&quot; is a bad Safeword because the chances of remembering and actually &lt;em&gt;vocalizing&lt;/em&gt; it in a stressfull situation are slim. Whistling is a bad safeword if you have problems producing a whistle in a stressfull situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The Safeword should not be used for situations where it is not needed. Therefore the Safeword must not be a common phrase that could come up in everyday conversations. It must not be a sound that is produced regularily (like clapping your hands) or unintentionally (like a bell chiming at the slightest movement).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-07-04T20:19:02.380" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T20:19:02.380" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16096" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16080" CreationDate="2018-07-03T17:11:10.880" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's lots of good advice here. I'd add a different perspective which is that you're too &quot;invested&quot; in this group as it is. When your social satisfaction becomes dependent on other people inviting you to this or that, you're in trouble. If you're starting to feel resentment towards your D&amp;amp;D friends because they're not inviting you out to other stuff, it's time to grow a new circle. That doesn't mean you have to cut them out - in fact, the D&amp;amp;D sounds great - but recognize it for what it is. You're facilitating their D&amp;amp;D experience. Thinking of yourself as an authority figure is not right. Think of yourself instead as the author of the book they're reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then consider some options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Put less work into this group. You're feeling overwhelmed as it is. Throttling back is fine. Maybe someone else will pitch in. Maybe they won't. But you need to take care of yourself and give yourself time to breathe and grow in new directions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider a new hobby; taking a class, going to a meetup, joining a hiking group, whatever. I bet there's stuff you have wanted to try but you haven't tried it yet. Give it a go. Learning new stuff is fun, and exposes you to new social circles. You mentioned you go to a gym. Maybe there's a rock climbing or bouldering option, these are very social, technical, and physically rewarding pastimes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Join someone else's D&amp;amp;D group. Most towns have game stores that also run game clubs. Could be an easy way to expand your circle and meet new people if you decide you really want to play more D&amp;amp;D. And besides, this could also expand your DM capability.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just some ideas. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19404" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T17:11:10.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16094" CreationDate="2018-07-03T17:49:05.173" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way that I approach friendship is 3-tiered:&#xA;(1) intimate friends&#xA;(2) friends&#xA;(3) acquaintances and friends where I have to do all the initiating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest using this next lunch date as a test to see if this friendship is worth continuing to invest in. I would say something like this:&#xA;&quot;Great! Look forward to seeing you! Oh, by the way, so if this plan doesn't work out, that is ok, but can you do me a favor? Can you let me know as soon as you know if have to reschedule?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has now been fairly warned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she reschedules, I would bump her to tier 3 and keep in touch randomly. I rarely remove someone from my life entirely because circumstances change over time, and because she may need a true friend one day. I could be that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13909" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T17:49:05.173" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16094" CreationDate="2018-07-03T17:50:02.900" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Relationships tend to settle where people allow them to be. S clearly doesn't have much concern about other people's time or sticking to appointments she's made. And if she doesn't care about standing you up enough to even mention she can't make it until &lt;em&gt;days after the planned meeting&lt;/em&gt; it's unlikely that she'll care much about you not appreciating her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I have dealt with similarly flaky people in the past, I made it less convenient for them to flake out. This included making plans which can't change very much (like going to a concert, or a temporary exhibition), and so failure to show up meant completely missing the event. This is in contrast to lunch, which occurs every day and is trivial to rearrange. &lt;strong&gt;I did not find that this made people more reliable.&lt;/strong&gt; So I only arranged things I would want to do &lt;em&gt;even if the other person were not present&lt;/em&gt;, and in some cases invited other people as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These had the effect of allowing me to not get hung up on flaky behavior-- even if the person never showed up, I could have a good time which eased the resentment I might otherwise have felt. If the other person tried to arrange something, I would only accept if I had &quot;backup&quot; plans in place for the (likely) case where they would not show up. And when my availability was in question, I started replacing &quot;maybe I can make it/help/whatever&quot; with &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to maintain the friendship, I fear you may have to accept it on her terms. That means not seeing her as often as you might want, and being prepared for her to not show up for plans you've made or respond to your communications. A relatively shallow, casual, and infrequent relationship may be all that she's going to offer you, and if so there isn't going to be much you can do to change that. But if you revise your expectations downward you may be able to enjoy what S &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; willing to offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T17:50:02.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16091" CreationDate="2018-07-03T18:31:56.707" Score="70" Body="&lt;p&gt;Somewhat different perspective here.  I'm on the spectrum myself (also higher functioning, more specifically what used to be known as Aspberger syndrome).  I used to have incidents like this as a kid all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given my own experience, I would argue that you're approaching this from the wrong direction.  Most likely, the teacher either already knows that they didn't do as well as they could have, or they just don't care.  In either case, you bringing it up with them is not likely to change anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two problems I see here that are worth considering:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You're giving excuses for your daughter's behavior.  This is indirectly undermining what she's trying to learn in those special education classes.  By explaining away what happened like you are, you're essentially saying 'it was OK this time', which reinforces what she did as a viable (albeit risky) coping mechanism.  Real life doesn't make exceptions like that, and your job as a parent is to raise a contributing member of society, so you need to not make exceptions like that either.  This mentality also does not come off very well when dealing with other adults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As stupid as this may sound, one of the things I'm most grateful to my parents for is that they didn't try to excuse my behavior when stuff like this happened.  I hated it at the time, but it did a great deal more to help me learn to cope effectively with stress than classes ever did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given this, if you do bring things up with the teachers, do not try to get the suspension revoked, and try to avoid making it sound like what your daughter did was OK (or that her reaction was in some way not her fault).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The second problem is that the teachers did not intervene before it escalated to the point of your daughter reacting as she did. Assuming you know absolutely for certain that they knew what was going on and ignored it, you should call them out for this, and absolutely should be aggressive about it.  I can't count the number of times I got bullied as a kid right in front of a teacher, who then proceeded to do absolutely nothing until I hit the jackass who was teasing me.  It unfortunately seems to be a rather prevalent mentality that as long as a fight hasn't escalated beyond words, it's not a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it's just as likely that they were busy dealing with other kids, and did not notice what was happening until it was too late.  In almost all cases except for some rare private schools, class sizes are large enough that one teacher usually can't keep an eye on all their students all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This aspect is a great way your daughter can learn something from this.  Based on what you said, she didn't try to bring the situation to the attention of the teachers before it got out of hand.  Make sure she understands that should always be an option if she can't remove herself from the situation and whoever is bothering her ignores her.  It may take some convincing, as most kids don't want to be seen as a tattletale, or might think that asking for help is a sign of weakness (it really isn't, despite all the cultural bias that says otherwise), but getting her to start using this as a coping skill will significantly reduce the chances of something like this from happening again.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2919" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-07-08T18:27:53.563" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T18:27:53.563" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16100" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-03T18:36:47.310" Score="-2" ViewCount="364" Body="&lt;p&gt;On the Nextdoor website, (&lt;em&gt;a platform for physical neighbors&lt;/em&gt;,) I posted on a discussion requesting recommendations for a company to widen their driveway.  I saw some contractors promote themselves using the word &quot;cement&quot; while clearly meaning to say &quot;concrete&quot;.  I made  comment that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would be wary of any mason who calls &quot;concrete&quot; by the name&#xA;  &quot;cement&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.  Moments later, another user posts&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why?  Cement is concrete and concrete is cement.  Depends where you&#xA;  are from and how you were raised&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her &lt;strong&gt;response is factually wrong&lt;/strong&gt;.  Her response is also directly addressing me as being in the wrong.  I know it's a trivial matter but I feel compelled to defend myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What would be a good way to handle this and similar situations?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13817" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T19:02:28.010" Title="How to handle a social media response that is factually wrong" Tags="&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;criticism&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-04T06:39:17.920" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16100" CreationDate="2018-07-03T18:50:44.257" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my dad's favorite jokes went something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Somebody would mention a &quot;hot water heater&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Upon such an utterance, my dad would immediately correct them and say &quot;it is called a water heater, not a hot water heater. know why? because you don't need to heat hot water!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And he felt himself very clever for saying things like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everybody else just thought either A) he was a clever, funny person; or B) he was a jerk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally the folks who thought he was clever were new to experiencing him, and anybody who had been around him for any significant length of time just thought he was a jerk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please notice that I did not make any mention at all about his factual correctness, for indeed he was factually correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tell you that factual correctness is not equally prioritized by all people. Many, if not most, people think that a person who feels an overwhelming need to be factually correct is a pedantic snob or jerk, like my dad was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself am a recovering pedantic jerk. I tell you that I was (or thought I was) nobly intended. I thought people wanted to be factually correct. They more often than not don't care about the difference between things like cement and concrete, and just see those who insist that terms are used correctly are &quot;making them feel dumb&quot; or &quot;being superior&quot; or &quot;pompous&quot;. It is almost never taken in the spirit of helpfulness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has to do with being a layperson or an expert in a particular area. Most folks don't see a difference because they have had no need or desire to be educated on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In social media, such pedantry often erupts into flame wars, so I strongly invite you to consider the following course of action:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do nothing. Leave it factually incorrect. It does no harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or insist on factual correctness, and this will build a reputation for you and make the impression that it makes on others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. This answer does not care about the difference between cement and concrete, and I live in a place where the two terms (by laypeople) are used interchangeably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T18:50:44.257" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16100" CreationDate="2018-07-03T18:55:19.980" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;For myself,I go with the old adage of picking your battles, when reading something I think is wrong and consider starting a debate on the issue I often stop myself halfway through my response and think is it really worth my time to try and debate them. Most of the time I decide it's not worth it, the people involved aren't a part of my outside life and leaving them misinformed doesn't hurt my conscience.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say if you do decide you'd like to open that debate be sure to have a link to a simply, yet respectable reference to back up your claim.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case I keep another adage in mind, 'you can't cure stupid', in general people don't like to have their beliefs challenged even when its something as trivial as there being a difference between cement and concrete, even with overwhelming proof you may find they won't accept your point, which brings me back to my first point of picking your battles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T18:55:19.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16100" CreationDate="2018-07-03T18:56:39.677" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore it. This is a situation with zero stakes and zero importance.&lt;/strong&gt; There is nothing to gain, and &quot;handling&quot; the situation is really not necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;absolutely must&lt;/em&gt; respond, posting the relevant dictionary entries and highlighting the difference is about as much as you can do. &quot;Concrete is the combined material, cement is just the bonding agent in it, see these dictionary entries...&quot; or something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More broadly, definitions of words are usage- and context-dependent. It is true that &lt;em&gt;concrete&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;cement&lt;/em&gt; are not the same in current, technical usage, and I would not be thrilled to find a mason or structural engineer equating them. But take a cue from the word &lt;em&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dictionary.com/browse/literally?s=t&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;literally&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;, which now means &quot;true exactly as stated&quot; and also &quot;in effect or in substance&quot;. Even dictionaries change, as lexicologists record language as it is used rather than prescribing how it &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; be used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your neighbor is 100% correct that the words may be used interchangeably in some places, and in most cases that most laypeople encounter there is probably no meaningful difference (consider: &quot;What is that road made of? Concrete/Cement.&quot; The intended meaning is clear either way). Regionalisms may not be recorded in dictionaries but still have information content in their own locales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In cases where the distinction matters then it's appropriate, perhaps absolutely necessary, to use the technically correct word. In nearly all other cases it's irrelevant, and if your neighbor is originally from an area where the usages are blended then she isn't wrong; that area just has to deal with ambiguity when discussing this particular topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T18:56:39.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16100" CreationDate="2018-07-03T19:02:28.010" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;For my understanding, I looked up the definition of both, and learned &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Cement is an ingredient for concrete. Concrete is basically a mixture of aggregates and paste. The aggregates are sand and gravel or crushed stone; the paste is water and cement. Cement comprises from 10 to 15 percent of the concrete mix, by volume. &#xA;  Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ccagc.org/resources/whats-the-difference-between-cement-and-concrete/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.ccagc.org/resources/whats-the-difference-between-cement-and-concrete/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The website also mentioned that cement and concrete are often incorrectly used interchangeably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would respond with an explanation for your first statement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I received my information from X source, that these terms are used interchangeably, so I thought that a professional company would know to use the correct terms for their advertising. Here is the source, and I hope this helps you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach places the miscommunication on the advertising company, not the &quot;other user&quot; for misunderstanding. If you say something that points to the person misunderstanding and being factually wrong, that is confrontational. Giving them the source will place the ball in their court to choose how to respond, and if they respond with the same statement, they have chosen not to listen, despite the warning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, people would be glad of the information and continue research on their own, and you have done what you can in terms of keeping the peace and giving them a source of information without judgement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in that situation, I would not overexert myself to prove I was correct, if I already gave them the source of my information. The source should speak for itself, and you don't have to argue with the person further on whether it is right or wrong, the person can take it to the source of your information.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T19:02:28.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16105" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-03T19:51:59.477" Score="3" ViewCount="384" Body="&lt;p&gt;Currently, I sell hatching eggs as a small in home business. I've been having a 90% hatch rate with my own eggs this year but I have been looking into collecting data on the hatch rates of my customers, especially those that have received shipped eggs (this is because shipping typically reduces the hatch rate of eggs). Would it be too intrusive to ask a customer how their hatch rate was in a follow up email, maybe a month or so after the initial purchase? I'm also afraid that such an email might trigger an angry response and demand for refund should the customer have had a bad hatch. I can't refund for this reason since it is simply out of my hands once the eggs are shipped. This policy is clearly written on my shipping information page. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be the best way to obtain hatch rate data from my customers, if at all?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19408" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T17:51:08.517" Title="Is it too intrusive to ask about a customer's success with a product?" Tags="&lt;customer-interactions&gt;&lt;feedback-methods&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16106" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-03T19:56:51.720" Score="4" ViewCount="389" Body="&lt;p&gt;So. I give friend A a lift to a bar. A is on crutches, and can’t stand up for long. So I go in to meet the other friends I’m meeting there and to make sure there’s somewhere for them to sit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nowhere for them to sit. But friend B, who was already there, offers to give up his seat for A. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Great! Except it isn’t. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A refuses and offers to wait in the car, saying he would not enjoy being in the bar knowing he was depriving B of his seat. &#xA;B insists, saying &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; would not enjoy being in the bar knowing that A was having to wait outside. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And what should have been a kind gesture escalated into a horrible conflict with me in the middle. At one point A asked me to take him home so the conflict would be moot, whereupon B said that if A did that, he (B) would leave too, cutting short the visit for all the other people he’d driven down (which was everyone else).. because if A left, B would feel he had driven A away. It was only because an extra seat became available that the situation ended. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no idea how to deal with this and similar conflicts have brewed that threatened the entire group. &lt;strong&gt;How can I resolve a conflict between two people who want to avoid causing any inconvenience, when this is inevitable?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19407" LastEditorUserId="19407" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T23:49:07.870" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T08:00:06.367" Title="How can I resolve a conflict between two people who want to avoid causing any inconvenience, when this is inevitable?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16108" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16106" CreationDate="2018-07-03T21:06:24.283" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If that is actually what happened, then the only advice that I have for you is to find different friends. Here's what would have happened with normal people: B offers his chair, A sits down, everything done. But what happened?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B wanted to be polite. No, not polite, he wanted to do the right thing. If one person is on crutches, and one isn't, then any person will agree that the one on crutches should get the chair. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A takes this and turns it into a drama. Any normal person would have just sat down. And then, if I had been in B's position, once A turns down the chair, that's it. If I offer my seat, and he doesn't want it, he doesn't get it. Instead B starts a counter-drama where oh no, he is so hard done by by A. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now A intends to leave, which at this point is probably a good idea, and then B goes completely mad and threatens to leave, which means everyone who came in his car has to leave too. Which is indeed a nasty thing to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So these two people between them, manage to turn a nice get together into a total disaster. They are behaving worse than children. So what can you do? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since misunderstood &quot;politeness&quot; caused this disaster, you can talk to each one in private, and tell them as bluntly as possible how stupid their behaviour was, and that you find it completely unacceptable, and you are not putting up with this. If they don't change, look for new friends. You are saying, they both felt &quot;threat of punishment&quot;. That's just not adult behaviour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-07-03T21:31:25.920" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T21:31:25.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16106" CreationDate="2018-07-03T21:15:26.420" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can give your friends lifts. And you can make sure that there is somewhere for them to sit. But you cannot make sure there will be a seat, and you cannot prepare for a conflict between two of your friends because you cannot control how they will be feeling and how they will interact with each other. So the answer is - you cannot resolve their problem - for it is their problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is support them as you have done, and you can feel for them and reason with them. Your are a good friend to them and they will listen to you. If this sort of thing happens again then reason with each of them. But do not worry about resolving something which happens in an instant between two other people because you cannot. You can only watch and wait so stop thinking there is a way to solve it. It has to solve itself. Because it depends upon the friends involvement and reasonability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T21:15:26.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16105" CreationDate="2018-07-03T22:22:13.237" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Would it be too intrusive to ask a customer how their hatch rate was in a follow up email, maybe a month or so after the initial purchase?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;A checkup email is socially accepted as non-invasive and used frequently by small and large businesses.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apple, my bank, the local chess club and the company I work for all send checkup emails and although on the large part I would say they are ignored, it is a common accepted practice that you are not likely to receive much backlash from. That is not to say you will never experience an angry customer, I know of a couple examples from my work's checkup emails where the customer complained or asked for a refund but that is all part of the process and you would just deal with them the same way any other customer complaint, it sounds like you know the laws and have a policy in place already so I'm not going to give advice about that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What would be the best way to obtain hatch rate data from my customers, if at all?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Although its fine to ask for feedback, obtaining useable data is another thing.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only have two points so I will try to make it simple. First, there are lots of different ways to ask for feedback in your email so do some research and try and frame it in a way that is best for your scenario. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.kayako.com/blog/the-proper-way-to-ask-for-customer-feedback/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;One good way to do this&lt;/a&gt; is to try and open a conversation with your questions. My second point is that no matter what you do, an optional email asking customers to respond will not give you hard data. Since you cannot control who decides to respond, and there are a whole plethora of motivations that might cause someone to respond or not which would affect your data set it would be irresponsible to take the numbers received as fact. There is a difference between useful qualitative insight and an accurate statistic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-07-03T22:22:13.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16122" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-04T00:38:46.803" Score="4" ViewCount="555" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is my first post. I'm new here, so tell me if I make a mistake. I'll be happy to follow. Here goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd tried buying these things called herbal cigarettes online. My parents didn't know. I understood the risks, and thought that the herbs would be healthy, if the smoke wasn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I knew my parents would make a big fuss, so I shipped the stuff to a friend with his consent. He received the package a few days later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this friend, my parents don't like him. They hate him. He and I would chat a lot, and once he made some mean comment. And it devolved into a lot of cursing. My parents see this and are disappointed in the friend, and in my response to it. And they wanted me never to talk to him again because the stuff we had said was quote-unquote &quot;very bad&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents started to notice I was texting a lot, and started to get suspicious. That was when the friend's parents supposedly find this package, which was hidden in a friend's room. They open it and, according to his accounts, they were yelling that it was drugs and they want to talk to my parents. But apparently they quiet down and give back the package. Too quickly. In a day and a half.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the friend has more permissive parents, I ask him to deliver the package to my house and hide it somewhere no one would see. But one mile is too far for him to go, and I can't leave the house one-tenth of a mile without my parents getting suspicious about me and an inevitable groundation. So we devise a plan. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I take my family to the Y, and he goes there and puts the package under the car. He lives almost directly next to the Y. But I chicken out and call it off, and he takes the package and goes home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next day, around night time, my mom checks my search history after feeling &quot;suspicious&quot; and finds - voila - searches on Amazon for boxes of herbal cigarettes and a trail of searches through the order form.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom comes out in a rage, cornering me in a room and yelling about what a &quot;distasteful thing&quot;, that she &quot;couldn't &lt;em&gt;possibly imagine&lt;/em&gt;&quot; why I would &quot;do such a thing&quot;, and my &quot;father would hear about this&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll save you the details of the next morning. Then my parents say that this friend is trying to hurt me by delivering this package. As well as some other racist crap about how this friend is Indian, Indians hate us since they worship cows and we can eat them, and he's trying to gain revenge for a cultural felony.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have the package, either. I don't really want it now. But I'm in this pit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'm grounded for 5 months, and then on further notice, my parents want to see what I bought, I'm not allowed to talk to this person again, and I'm ruined in my family's eyes. Great for a 13-year-old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I have my parents regain trust in me? That would be great, and probably result in getting off the hook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Grateful for any advice; as I'm new here, that even goes for question styling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19413" LastEditorUserId="19413" LastEditDate="2018-07-04T23:12:58.530" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T23:12:58.530" Title="Parents found out I'd bought herbal cigarettes. How could I have parents regain trust in me?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;profanity&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-04T08:12:53.070" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16123" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11490" CreationDate="2018-07-04T02:00:17.553" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Rape is a very strong word. If it is actually true, then Danielle is doing other women a disservice by leaving the guy unpunished to do it again. You or Christine might be the next victim. The only proven solution to a rapist is jail. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could also be a case of a jerk insulting a girl after a hot session (he sounds like the sort who makes all sorts of promises before... and afterward tosses her off like a dirty diaper), and hurt feelings being expressed in a rather dramatic manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not trying to make excuses for a bonafide rapist, just pointing out that you really don't know one  way or another. Rape is a serious crime with serious jail time, and a seriously wrecked life after one gets out of jail... convicted felons don't have much of a career path, and sex offenders are registered as such for life. Be very careful repeating accusations of a felony crime, in the absence of any proof. You'll be opening a can of worms you really don't want to be near. Might even get an expensive libel lawsuit slapped on you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's true, Danielle should take action to save other women. If it's not true, then Danielle should learn to spot jerks before she gets involved with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing you know as fact is that this guy acts in a manner that is disrespectful to Alice, and will probably continue to do so. I've been in situations like this before - seeing this sort of thing going on. Seen men acting this way towards women, and women acting this way towards men. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best course of action I've found is to be quietly supportive of my friend (I don't count anyone who acts in a cavalier manner towards their significant other as a friend) but not mention the activity directly. Eventually, they will figure it out. If you directly intervene in someone else's romantic situation, both of them may turn on you, regardless of how good your intentions may have been. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a friend's wife hit on me, in a not too subtle manner. I politely declined, saying I was very flattered, and that I was going to forget she made the suggestion. And made sure I wasn't alone with her again. I did not want to get in the middle of someone else's personal problems, what with high emotions flying everywhere. Eventually, she got caught cheating on him, several people (myself included) endorsed his idea of divorcing her, and they split for good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later on, he did ask me if she ever came on to me, and I said - yeah, sort of, but I didn't know what to do... very awkward situation. He said I probably did the right thing in declining and saying nothing, ruefully admitting that some lessons you just have to learn for yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19337" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T02:00:17.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16124" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16134" CreationDate="2018-07-04T03:11:02.697" Score="4" ViewCount="886" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last week I had a stressful week at work and was in a bad mood. On the weekend, a friend, who is quite successful, invited me and some others over for the afternoon to their big house with their wife and children. Everything went fine and I normally get on well with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That evening I felt quite sad and wrote a private social media post saying that I felt miserable and like a failure for not having those things. Neither the post nor anything else mentioned the visit, nor the friend’s name. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The successful friend’s demeanour changed rapidly. Though he did not comment on the post it seems that I offended him. After all, &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; knew that the post was in the context of the visit, and from his POV he had kindly had me as a guest and I threw it back in his face by saying that his doing so had (indirectly) made me sad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously I did not mean to do that. But I am not sure how to apologise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To say that what was in the post was untrue would be a lie. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To say that I should not have felt that way, and only did because of work pressure, doesn’t really constitute an apology. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To apologise for making the post would imply that I felt fully justified in being upset by his success, and the only mistake I made was not keeping quiet about it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To emphasize that I was grateful for the invite would likely sound like I was sarcastically emphasizing the differences between us. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what can I do to make amends? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19407" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-07-04T06:27:10.997" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T13:53:27.850" Title="How do I apologize to a successful friend for feeling bad about their success?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16126" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16124" CreationDate="2018-07-04T05:59:27.440" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Firstly, remove the post.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To not apologize, will certainly make things worse, so you have and should apologize since you did not mean it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did not type that post to offend him but from his PoV it might have offended him so it is better to explain yourself than to leave things to him to understand the post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that to say what was in the post was untrue would be a lie, you might be right, but in this situation lying might be better because you would not want to spoil your long lasting friendship with him. Especially since that he remembers and took the initiative to invite you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, ask yourself, if you are grateful and thankful for the invite. If you are, then do thank him! It would not sound sarcastic if you would get to it like &quot; hey, that said thanks for the invite i really appreciate it&quot;&#xA;That does not sound sarcastic and could end off your apology to him on a good note, unless he has something against you or is really 'picky', he would not read that as a negative remark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not worry too much about it! If he really treats you as a friend, after a sincere apology it will be all good! If you have anymore questions, feel free to comment I will check back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19280" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T05:59:27.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16076" CreationDate="2018-07-04T07:24:37.760" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simple solution - Text her first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's not having long periods of time where you don't respond, this becomes a non-issue. Time zones could be a problem - I had a LDR between UK and Australia for five years. In that case, maybe set up some times when she can expect your texts and calls. If these &quot;dates&quot; are often enough then you'll get through this. Also if you really need to work because of deadlines, share your calendar with her and tell her when you're going to be back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19422" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T07:24:37.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16106" CreationDate="2018-07-04T08:00:06.367" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have seen this behaviour in people that have disabilities before. It's not so much being a burden for other people but being able to do things themselves and/or without people offering unrequested help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, I'm very certain that none of this would have happened if A would have been able to ask B for the seat and then B giving it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By B giving the seat up the moment they heared A was with you, A got the 'you are disabled, you can not stand, I (B) have to give you my seat' message right in their face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This behaviour/protocol-ish dance will usually subside after meeting a few times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, tl;dr, next time go in, make sure that there is at least one seat available. Don't let B get up, get out to A again and tell them the situation &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Version A: B - or whoever - has a seat but no other seat is available but you are pretty sure that if no seat opens up and A needs to sit down for a while B would be open to giving it up&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Version B: B - or whoever - has a seat but no other seat is available so you three have to share. Since you are having a bad day/long day at work you, too need to sit down for a few minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Version B is a bit dicy to get right (choice of words) but that way A's need to sit down is put kind of on the same level as everyone else's need to sit or at least your need to sit so he isn't alone. However, Version B requires that A can stand at least for a few minutes without hurting too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9641" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T08:00:06.367" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7673" CreationDate="2018-07-04T08:54:09.767" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I smoked for thirty years. Nothing would help me to stop, if I got patches then I smoked with them too. One day my eight year old daughter got up from her seat in the car and cried out 'dad you are going to die' She was absolutely distressed.  I did not notice the smoke billowing out of the window or the ash everywhere in the car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next day I tried not smoking for one day, then carried on not smoking day by day. There were no other things to stop me but my wish to stay with my family, and my thoughts about my daughter. That was twelve years ago. For the first year I did not trust myself but in the second year I began to believe that I had done it. The rest of my story is history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thing to be aware of is that I had a life and was supported whilst I was smoking - with no criticism of me. This is a very important aspect, because if you make your relationship about Alice giving up, and keep on about it then eventually you or her will choose to go your own way. So firstly stop the nagging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly for someone to stop they just have to want to do it. Nobody else can influence them. Alice needs a reason to stop - it may be an interest in sport, running, swimming or competing. Or it may be wishing to still be around in twenty years time. Your mission is to find that reason, or you can find the reason together - but stop treating her as if she is acting wrongly or does not do what she says that she will do. Smoking is the most difficult thing to get rid of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put up with everything until the day comes that Alice has found her reason. Support her on her journey because if the reason is not real she will go back to smoking again. Be prepared for that. This is the way that by getting your mind right you will be able to stay with Alice for ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no other way but to decide yourself if you are going to support Alice or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T08:54:09.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16124" CreationDate="2018-07-04T11:18:33.587" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Social Media can be a real nightmare. When you only share your best moments, people can think you are bragging, or being &quot;fake&quot;. But when you open up too much and share your feelings, what you write is open to all kinds of misinterpretation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a social media guru, in fact I hate it and rarely make posts. My general approach to it is by all means share real thoughts and feelings, but don't publicly &quot;cry&quot; about stuff. It is instantly interpreted as attention seeking, and the general response &quot;U OK Hun?&quot; has become something of a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But this isn't social media advice - what's done is done, and you want to fix things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me just address your concerns:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;To say that what was in the post was untrue would be a lie.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;True, but that doesn't mean you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; have said it. You can't &quot;unsay&quot; it, but this is social media and you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; delete it. I'd suggest doing so, if you haven't already. This doesn't mean it wasn't true, and it doesn't delete it from your friend's memory, but it &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; send a message that you &lt;em&gt;regret&lt;/em&gt; saying it at least, and that is something. Most adults know that we all think stuff but don't say it, and we all cope with the knowledge that our friends probably &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; say stuff behind our backs that we should never hear about because frankly therein madness lies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;To say that I should not have felt that way, and only did because of work pressure, doesn’t really constitute an apology.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Agreed. And for the reasons I gave in my last point, it is okay to &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; things. It only became a (possible) problem because you &lt;em&gt;said&lt;/em&gt; it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;To apologise for making the post would imply that I felt fully justified in being upset by his success, and the only mistake I made was not keeping quiet about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, you may not need to apologise for &lt;em&gt;offending him&lt;/em&gt; at all. But I'll get to that, as well as what you may want to say. But even if you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; apologise for the post, there is no implication of the sort. Regret is regret, and if you regretted saying it, that ought to be enough. More useful is why you felt the way you did, not why you posted, and again I'll get to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;To emphasize that I was grateful for the invite would likely sound like I was sarcastically emphasizing the differences between us.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how you say it, this may not be the case. Saying you appreciated the invitation is a nice thing, unless of course you add or imply &quot;&lt;em&gt;but I didn't actually enjoy it&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. I don't think you need to do that, however. If you re-think the whole episode and get to the root of &lt;em&gt;why you feel the way you do&lt;/em&gt; then you may be able to look back at the event and appreciate it properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's why you may not need to apologise - you only said you friend's demeanour has changed, and that he &lt;em&gt;seems&lt;/em&gt; offended. I'm assuming he &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; read your post but you appear to be assuming the offence. There are other things he may be feeling - &lt;em&gt;guilt&lt;/em&gt; perhaps?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he really is your friend then he wont want to deliberately make you feel rubbish. Okay, so some people &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; brag and rub their brilliant lives in other's faces, but I don't think you'd be so worried about retaining the friendship of someone who was inherently like that. Plus, you say he's &quot;successful&quot; because he has a nice house and a family. Those are quite normal, achievable things. It's not like you said he has a speedboat and a holiday home in Monaco. It seems to me that the real reason you feel some jealousy is because you &lt;em&gt;haven't&lt;/em&gt; got those perfectly reasonable things, not because he is disgustingly rich and rubs it in your face. I have to say, I think you are in the wrong, and if he's your friend he may feel sorry for you right now, he possibly feels some guilt over the way his offer of hospitality and friendship made you feel, and he may also be distant because he doesn't know how to discuss the matter with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say approach him, and perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really appreciated your invitation the other night. If I've seemed a bit down since, it isn't your fault. I hoped I would have a family by now, and I can get a bit down about it when I'm around people who have all that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt; assume he's offended. Remember it may be other things he is feeling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt; mention the house. I know that was one of the things you were jealous of, but keep the material stuff out of it. That &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; make you look bad. But a family is an admirable goal, and is partially out of your control if you're choosy, which you should be. Plus, if you have a family then getting a big house is easier because there are two of you, plus all the breaks you get for having children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And lastly &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; assume he has seen, or mention the SoMe post (which hopefully you have deleted by now). If you mention it, then it was &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; meant to be seen by him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See how he responds. If he has a beef, he'll raise it now. If he &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; offended by the post, then by all means go on to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't mean to offend you. Really, it's not about you or what you have, it's about what I don't have. I'm sorry about the post, I wasn't thinking, I just let my negative feelings get the better of me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this addresses the post, apologises, but doesn't attempt to go back on anything you said so stays true to your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-04T13:39:51.320" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T13:39:51.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16080" CreationDate="2018-07-04T12:48:16.397" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been myself on a pretty similar situation. Me and three more friends always meet from 16 years every Friday to play console games. These are my childhood friend and I know them pretty well, I used to go out with them and do lot's of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as time went by one of them started going out with a group of friends (which I knew and get along with them but not that closely). He stopped inviting us to the plans he was doing with this friends, unless they needed people, for example, he will not invite us to go to the club, but he will invite us to play soccer when they were in need of players.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that I have to deal with friends being zombified by their girlfriends who didn't wanted to hang up with us nor go to cinema to see movies or things like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first this hurt a lot, because I thought we were best friends and I suppose a minimum of trust, communication and loyalty.The problem here and in your case, it's not just that your friends don't invite you to these plans, but why they are doing and trying to not talk about the big pink elephant in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my experience, there's no way this will have a happy ending in the short term. You have to ask your best friend about this situation and why is happening, don't beg for invitations, and don't beg for their friendship. Just try to know because that will bring some logic to all of this and you will know how to react to the real facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all of this, you don't own anything to your friends, if you don't feel like being the dungeon master for your friends, then don't be. Instead do something more that makes you happy, and maybe you can even know more people. Your friends already made a decision of not inviting you. So you should make your decision, they will always be your friends (unless they do something incredibly wrong). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just maybe right now, your friendship needs to have different dynamics. But don't beg for invitations, you do everything right. So now, just be happy with it, and to be happy I think that you should know what is happening, so you have to talk face to face with your best friend. Don't force him, if he denies to talk sincerely, then take what he wants to answer, because that is an answer by itself. There is no point where you get invited to this meetings without it being awkward. If they invite you because you ask them, you won't feel part of this group, and maybe the other people will feel that way, don't do that to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19432" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-04T12:56:55.603" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T12:56:55.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16076" CreationDate="2018-07-04T12:52:00.637" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live with a friend who has very much the opposite problem. His (very jewish and more than a little neurotic) mother calls at least once every evening just to hear his voice, and his girlfriend calls too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every conversation and activity we try and do gets interrupted by his phone ringing. Every day without fail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's increasingly getting frustrated by it and sometimes resorting to just leaving his phone in his room and ignoring it if he hears it, Not a healthy solution long-term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution we've been discussing I think will work in your case too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Set a particular time for a proper conversation instead of being interrupted constantly.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're working, even if it's not really intruding you should really be focused on your work rather than texting, save it for the evening or on your lunch-break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Commit to doing it and make sure they know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The extra bonus is that because you're calling and not the other way around, they don't feel like they're intruding and even feel more special for being called.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T12:52:00.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16139" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16143" CreationDate="2018-07-04T13:14:53.170" Score="88" ViewCount="24554" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm a 21 year old female&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm living in west Europe &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently started an internship for the summer which is amazing but I'm having trouble with some male colleagues who are between 15 and 25 years my senior making inappropriate comments such as &quot;Your body looks great in that dress/top/etc.&quot;, or &quot;I'd take you for dinner and a show if I didn't have to worry about my wife finding out&quot; and so on. I always dress very respectably for my job, I never wear anything revealing or show much flesh and I certainly don't return the comments, I normally just try and brush them off or tell them in a nice way that I'm not interested, I've even tried saying &quot;Oh I don't know how my boyfriend would like that&quot; upon being asked to go for dinner to try and get the message across to no avail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if anyone else has heard any of the comments, if they have they're ignoring them, and I would rather not have to take it to HR  because I've only been working there for about 5 weeks and the people making the comments and are well respected in the workplace so I don't even know if my claim would be taken seriously. I want to try and solve this without HR first, I'd like HR to be my last resort, not my first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, he knows about the comments in work and he understands where I am coming from with not wanting to bring it to HR but between the two of us we can't figure out a good way to solve this without involving HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I deal with this once and for all in a respectable manner without getting myself into a sticky situation? It's making me dread going into work because I don't know what to expect each day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clarifying Details - will add more if anything becomes applicable&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The advances are completely and utterly &lt;strong&gt;unwanted&lt;/strong&gt;, all they do is make me extremely uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The people who are making the comments are all well above me in the chain of leadership.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;HR is comprised of mostly men so I don't know how they'll view it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Everyone in the company is quite close, it's a small company and they don't have a high staff turnover, so I am afraid that it may be seen as a vendetta of sorts if I raise the problem or I may just be ganged up on leading to more problems for me in the long run. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I work in an IT department in the finance/banking/consulting industry, in a very conservative work environment. There are other women, they are married and don't seem to face this issue. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I happened to run into a woman my age from another department yesterday in the bathroom, she was quite upset so I asked her what was wrong and it turns out what was happening to me was also happening to her and she felt like she had no control over it all. We talked about it all for a while and decided to go together to HR considering we now have each other for support and we have been assured that a firm hand will be taken in dealing with the situation. Thanks to everyone for the answers and the support, it is all so appreciated and really helped the both of us! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19380" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T13:20:54.810" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T13:20:54.810" Title="I'm in a committed relationship and I'm being hit on in the workplace - how do I stop it without bringing it to HR?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16091" CreationDate="2018-07-04T13:27:11.337" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would take a slightly different stance.  Your child hit someone, and she should be punished for doing that as the other answers state.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would however follow up and say that the other child should be punished for bullying; and enquire what the school plans to do about that.  This way your daughter is taught that it's not acceptable to hit people, but also the bully is taught not to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hitting someone is as harmful as other forms of bullying - or rather other forms of bullying are as harmful as being hit, and while one is visible, the other is not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would protest that both children should suffer the same punishment from the school, not that your child got punished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2353" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T13:27:11.337" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16139" CreationDate="2018-07-04T13:34:14.183" Score="60" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of people - myself included - have seen it happen, where someone new to the company or in a low-ranking position has a problem and they fear they will either be ignored or nothing will get done, so they never try to solve it. In practice, at least in my own work experiences (in the UK), something almost always gets done for those who ask for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most common solution I've seen is to be firm and make your objections clear in such a way the other person knows that it is no joke. &lt;em&gt;&quot;Can you please stop making comments like that? They make me uncomfortable.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; This approach is professional and non-aggressive; the best sort of response for such a situation in a corporate environment. It also leaves no room for misinterpretation. Ask them by email if you feel it will be difficult to say anything in a crowd. If it persists, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but this is when you go to your manager or HR. It's their job to make sure you are in a comfortable and effective workplace. Some places will even respect a request that you be anonymous or that they give a metaphorical slap on the wrist rather than a formal complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For any halfway decent company, rules and laws regarding harassment are the same, regardless of your role, relationship status or your time with them. Let the system work for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T13:34:14.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16139" CreationDate="2018-07-04T13:38:16.637" Score="118" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's hard to deal with someone in a respectful manner if they themselves are not giving you respect. In this situation I would recommend being blunt and get directly to the point when refusing him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/86893/my-boss-new-hire-a-friend-of-his-is-making-advances-on-me/86898#86898&quot;&gt;answer from the Workplace SE&lt;/a&gt; has some great advice about the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, in addition to writing things down after they happen each time, start speaking up anyway. When he touches you, say &quot;Please don't touch me.&quot; Get louder each time. It will become easier as you do it, and enforcing boundaries is a useful skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Shame is your friend here.&lt;/strong&gt;  I have shut down a few overeager people by loudly telling them to get away from me.  Be loud, be direct, and be assertive.  Don't back down if they resist, and make them feel bad for what they are doing. Once they are facing social pressure from others they may back down and leave you alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, shaming will not always work. If your colleague is &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; harassing you after you are incredibly blunt about the situation, it would be a good time to go to HR.  Start documenting all of the times he makes advances on you, as well as what he says and go to HR.  This is what they are there for.  As Herr Derb stated in their comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If HR doesn't take you seriously, the whole company is foul.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they won't do anything about blatant harassment then it would be wise to jump ship. You can always explain to a new employer about why you left, but staying there will probably be more detrimental to your well being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T17:11:10.853" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T17:11:10.853" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16105" CreationDate="2018-07-04T17:51:08.517" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is not intrusive, it is a marketing strategy. All of the leading online vendor plattforms write these kinds of mails, mostly a few weeks after purchase. But make sure that you only contact those customers who agreed to subsequent emails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on what your goal is, there are different approaches:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Poll&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Create a simple poll where customers can rate their satisfaction with the product in 4 - 5 levels. Write a short email with the link to this poll. This probably results in many data points, but little informative value. If a customer gives a low rating, you don't know whether they are dissappointed in the product or the delivery or the payment...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, create a poll with several categories like &quot;How satisfied are you with the hatch rate?&quot; and &quot;How satisfied are you with packaging and delivery?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Inquiry&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Write an elaborate email and ask your customers how satisfied they are with their order. The number of answers is a result on its own. If you get no answers, everyone was reasonably satisfied. Only those who really feel like they have to complain will do so. So you have to count the non-replies as positive results and the complains as negative results. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Combined poll and comment&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is probably the best approach, especially if you consider that leading online vendor plattforms use it (think of Amazon or any app store). It gives you many replies, but mostly short ones that don't consume too much time sifting through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Use it as marketing&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You miss a great chance if all you write in a mail to your customer is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, here is a link, please rate my product.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, use this opportunity to show your company in the best light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello dear customer, one month ago you have purchased Product X. Delivering best product quality, great service and achieving highest customer satisfaction are very important to us. That's why we'd like to ask you for your experience with us in our poll.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T17:51:08.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16076" CreationDate="2018-07-04T20:10:22.357" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You want to give her the message that she isn't disturbing you with her texts because they are not important enough for you to even be reading them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For whose sake do you think she is writing them?  She is not looking for an acknowledgment but reciprocation.  You are fading from relevance to her and her attempts to keep your relation going are met with indifference.  So since your message is that she has become unimportant to you, what sense is there in running after you?  It isn't working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A long distance relationship is not a placeholder, something that you can use for saying &quot;sorry I am taken&quot; when it is convenient, like a conspicuous ring.  How do you keep present in her mind?  How should the thought of you fill her with joy?  What do you do to not make her feel alone?  &quot;You can text me anytime you want because I am not looking at my phone anyway&quot; just doesn't work for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user19439" LastActivityDate="2018-07-04T20:10:22.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16150" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16154" CreationDate="2018-07-04T23:38:32.690" Score="-8" ViewCount="714" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm bad at math. My dad makes me do extra math practice every day to catch up (he says that I'm &quot;so far behind&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm honestly putting in my best effort. However, my dad doesn't believe that my poor academic performance (especially math) can be due to genuine stupidity and is probably caused by something else, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not paying attention in class?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Laziness?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Carelessness?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not being interested in math?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not being motivated to study?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Intentionally failing school for whatever reason?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, my dad got pissed because I was taking too long to do a math problem. He thought that the answer was so obvious that I must've been acting stupid on purpose (or being &quot;mentally lazy&quot;). He said that I was just stubborn, that I was mentally lazy, and that I didn't want to admit how simple the math problem was. He told me that if I wanted to be good at math, I needed to fix my attitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Catch-22:&lt;/strong&gt; I really want to prove his claim wrong, but it's logically impossible to do so (as far as I know). The more someone attempts to prove that he/she isn't stubborn, the more stubborn (by definition) he/she is!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I disprove a statement that self-validates when I try to disprove it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18900" LastEditorUserId="18900" LastEditDate="2019-02-28T16:03:36.263" LastActivityDate="2019-02-28T16:03:36.263" Title="How can I disprove a statement that self-validates when I try to disprove it?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-03-02T15:22:06.670" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16151" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-05T00:44:23.307" Score="29" ViewCount="8280" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in Europe but a few times a year I visit the United States.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I stay in states where recreational cannabis is allowed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't use cannabis in Europe because it's not allowed, but when I'm in the States I would enjoy spending some time in a dispensary with some of my local friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask them to join me, given that I don't know if they've ever tried it and without looking like a junkie (while asking so)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end, the group of friends organized a picnic and everybody at the end of the day smoked, without me having to ask anything  I guess that was the best way it could have ended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19443" LastEditorUserId="19443" LastEditDate="2018-07-14T18:00:40.903" LastActivityDate="2018-07-14T18:00:40.903" Title="How do you ask friends to visit a dispensary without looking like a junkie?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16151" CreationDate="2018-07-05T01:04:46.873" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of asking them to join you right away, &lt;em&gt;ask them what they think about using recreational marijuana.&lt;/em&gt;  Asking them about their opinion from a neutral standpoint (a simple &quot;I noticed its legal in this state, would you ever smoke?&quot; etc.) will provide an insight on how they will react to your next question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They Would&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By all means, ask them about going.  If they personally would smoke, go for it.  You can also phrase your original question as more neutral &quot;I've never been to a dispensary, do you want to go?&quot; if your worried about it, but if they do/would smoke pot they wouldn't mind if you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They Wouldn't, but are Accepting&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I personally don't like smoking, but I'm OK with the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not something I would do, but overall I don't mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then feel free to ask them to come, if only for the experience.  I'm not a smoker myself but I constantly hang around others who are avid fans, and I basically act as their guardian.  I don't look at pot smokers as junkies and everyone I've come across with this mindset also agrees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They Wouldn't, but are NOT Accepting&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't consider asking them or mentioning the fact that you want to go around them at all.  If they start preaching about how bad it is and why it should be banned, don't bother asking.  You already know the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T01:04:46.873" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15934" CreationDate="2018-07-05T01:30:44.253" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Had a very similar experience even if the reason was different, I faked to be a girl because I thought it was easier to make friends on the chat I used to write in (at some extent it was actually true).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my friends was a girl (Jane) of my same nationality and I very liked her. I had to see her date other guys while I was stuck in a golden prison I did built by myself: I was popular in the chat, everybody liked me and I felt so good being appreciated for my personality without the burden of my physical body that never made me feel confident in my social relations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was friend with another girl (Alice) that was a good friend of mine and we understood each other.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;One day Alice asks me if I'm okay if she turns on the webcam, I agree and a visibility shaken emotionally guy starts to tell me his story and why he faked to be a girl and talked about some problems he was having in real life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point I felt obliged to tell the truth as well and we spent the night talking about our own experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We became good friends and even started to hang out in the real life for some time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile he helped me to tell the truth to my other friends, included Jane.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Some of them were pissed of by the situation while others, included Jane, accepted it and decided to stay friends for the time begin, even thanks to the help of Jane that took my defenses, years are passed and we are still good friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for completeness, I'm going to marry with Jane in September!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope my story helps you to understand what may happen. I don't think there's a magic recipe to maje more likely to stay close friends. Every person will react differently, depending by what you did while you were behind your avatar they will accept the reality more or less  easily. But staying in your situation is not going to help you in any way, what you get in the virtual life remains there, you deserve more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Possible advices based on Alice's and mine experiences:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have commom friends in the same online community, try to tell to your closest one the truth, then she/he will be able to help you with Jay reaction like it happened to me maybe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are in very close relation with him (like, sexting or similar) try to reduce or stop it and wait some time before you reveal the truth, it will make less likely to him to react very badly if he feels betrayed by you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want me to articulate better some part of the answer please just leave a comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19443" LastEditorUserId="19443" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T01:44:16.673" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T01:44:16.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16150" CreationDate="2018-07-05T02:40:54.100" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your dad sounds like a bully. You say you're doing your best and putting in the work. An understanding parent would see this and support your efforts, instead of bawling you out for not being somebody else (that 'somebody else' being an above-average mathematician!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it stands, I feel for you. It's soul-destroying to keep trying to please someone who's displeased at your individual talent set &amp;amp; wishes you were different. It's very, very bad for your future confidence and I'm afraid he might actually be trying to undermine this. Only you know whether your dad's kind and supportive in all other areas, so only you can assess whether he is bullying you or simply has a massive blind spot when it comes to maths.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming he's a generally decent dad, you could do worse than sit him down and explain that you're honestly doing your best. If he's disappointed in your algebraic prowess, that's sad for you both ... but you have XYZ skills on the plus side, and maybe you could agree to compromise on the maths? If he's scary when crossed on this topic, see if you can't get an uncle/teacher/friend to back you up here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, and don't let the nitpickers get you down! It's always worth doing your best - and your best is always worth being proud of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Added&lt;/strong&gt; after more forensic re-reading of your comments &amp;amp; replies. If the man is a bully, you can't prove him wrong. The whole point of bullying is to be &quot;always right&quot;, often to the extent where the bully's self-determined rightness is their reason for existing. While you're dependent on a bully for your food &amp;amp; shelter, threatening their psychological &lt;em&gt;existence&lt;/em&gt; is a risky strategy. (Can you tell my dad was a bully?!) One of the safest effective strategies is what's known as the &quot;grey rock&quot; approach: google it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you've left home, you can shout him down or punch him out (I did that, too. It was satisfying.) But most of all, for your own sake, never waste your energies on trying to please the professionally displeased.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12480" LastEditorUserId="12480" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T02:58:30.150" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T02:58:30.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16076" CreationDate="2018-07-05T04:09:03.187" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I understand it, the problem is that you have not been responding promptly and at length to her texts, so she now believes that you don't want them.  However, you've been using her texts to maintain closeness when you do pick up your phone and check.  Essentially her texts work for you, as you get what you need from her.  She is telling you that she is not getting what she needs from your texting relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Literal answer&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your literal question, when you go to check texts and don't find any, text her with something like (but in your words not mine):  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I just finished [whatever you were doing].  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to share at least one detail about what you were doing.  It doesn't have to be deep and meaningful.  You are signalling that you want her to be included in your life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I went to check texts because I miss you, but nothing :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Text me when you get a chance, because reading your texts is part of what gets me through the day.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This communicates that you are thinking about her.  It takes the effort of sharing something about you.  It indicates that you were busy.  It expresses that you like getting texts from her and it makes you sad when you don't.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It shares how you &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt;.  In absence of such communication she has been making her own guesses.  Don't leave her guessing.  Tell her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Addressing the underlying problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, at least once a day, text her &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just saw [...] and it reminded me of you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously replace [...] with something that actually did remind you of her.  This can also be a good use of the phone camera.  Try to keep things upbeat rather than critical.  Something that might be funny if discussed in person can come off as harsh over text.  And she has already started expressing insecurity, so things that can be taken two ways will probably be taken the negative way.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some sociologists who believe that men and women use conversation differently.  Men think of it as a way to communicate things.  So men who don't have anything to communicate don't text.  Women use conversation to maintain connection.  From that perspective, she seems to be indicating that she is not feeling a connection from you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is texting a lot and you are texting a little, take time to send more texts.  Perhaps you don't have time to reply during the day.  If so, set up a time when you do have time to reply and reread her texts.  Reply then, preferably in kind.  For example, if she's sharing details of her day, share details of yours.  If she's talking about her family, talk about yours.  She is telling you the kind of things she finds interesting.  Keep her interested by talking about those kinds of things.  Also respond to what she's saying.  Commiserate when she's complaining; cheer when she's happy.  Show that you're paying attention.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the purpose is connection, your texts do not have to communicate deep and meaningful things.  Say you missed your bus and have to wait for twenty minutes for the next one.  That's a great time to text and share some details of your life.  Had any good meals lately?  Remember that shared meal with ...?  Were you woken up by some odd sound?  Why'd you miss the bus?  You said &quot;miss&quot; does that make you think about missing her?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look for things that you'd like to share with her if she was there.  It could be a place to eat breakfast, a music store, a park, or whatever.  Take a picture and send it with a note.  If you don't have time to write the note, take the picture and save it for later.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her about times when you wish she was there.  Tell her why you wished she was there.  Did you want to hold her hand?  Share sarcastic observations about other people there?  What did you enjoy doing with her when you were physically together?  Talk about those things.  You may want to keep it PG in texts in case someone else might read her phone.  But other than that, things are wide open.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T04:09:03.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16156" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16164" CreationDate="2018-07-05T04:36:03.770" Score="8" ViewCount="525" Body="&lt;p&gt;So one of my close friends have been going on an on and off change with depression, and their constant state of fear of being lonely. A few months ago, this person opened up to me about a past suicide attempt and how terrible things WERE.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As in, I assumed things were much better NOW seeing how this intimate information was carried out in a mannerism that seemed taking it in stride. But very recently, while casually talking I glanced down and I saw fresh marks of someone who cut their wrists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person will be deployed into training (for the military) soon for six months, and before this happens, I really want to approach my friend into what is going on and I want this person to open up about their life more before they are sent into a place where they know no one, feeling more isolated possibly than ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I want to know how to do this without major breakdowns or anger. Any suggestions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19151" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T07:09:15.090" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T13:57:51.127" Title="How to approach a friend about depression?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16157" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16160" CreationDate="2018-07-05T05:01:28.367" Score="-1" ViewCount="526" Body="&lt;p&gt;My classmates were all kind and easy-going in elementary school. When I entered middle school, that all changed. Kids started swearing, sticking up middle fingers, casually insulting each other, and talking trash about other kids behind their backs. I'm emotionally sensitive. In 8th grade, couldn't walk in the hallways without getting my feelings hurt for even 10 seconds. I'm going to 9th grade in late August, and I want to be prepared. As far as I know, the kids' behavior will just get worse! They'll start doing drugs and having underage, unprotected sex. I'm afraid that I won't fit in and make friends. Being bad is pretty much a requirement to be accepted in modern teen culture. E.g. in middle school, a kid called me &quot;pussy&quot; because I said that I didn't want to get into fights. How do I, someone who's easily offended, survive in the high school social system full of &quot;edgy&quot; teenagers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: They usually don't mean what they say. Kids make fun of their friends, and nobody is harmed. However, it hurts my feelings when they make fun of me. I want to be able to interact with them without getting offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that it's unfair to make other kids stop cussing just because I don't like it. My goal is to adapt and learn to &quot;brush off&quot; mean remarks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18900" LastEditorUserId="18900" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T18:35:07.563" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T18:35:07.563" Title="How do I make friends in high school, a place where people casually swear a lot, when I'm easily offended?" Tags="&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-05T08:35:12.750" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4812" CreationDate="2018-07-05T05:33:42.863" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What Eve said sounds to me like an appeal for empathy from you.  While I don't have much personal experience with this, I worry that a lot of the responses people have suggested (e.g. &amp;quot;Eve, big breasts are overrated. etc&amp;quot;) will make her think you don't sympathize with her insecurity or consider it valid, and then she would feel more alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that situation I would probably try to empathize first before trying to bolster her self-esteem.  Here are some things you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you worried that guys won't find you attractive?  (Assuming she is straight as you seemed to hint at in OP)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you feeling frustrated with the styles of dresses that work well for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think she will be much more likely to take compliments to heart if you honestly but gently acknowledge and validate her feelings first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19149" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T05:33:42.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16159" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16157" CreationDate="2018-07-05T05:39:05.723" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have to find other &quot;outcasts&quot;. It's true for making friends anywhere, normally it's finding people who share the same interests or have similar outlooks to life and other topics. But in your particular case you might want to find people who share more or less the same moral outlook and behavior. In other words, the &quot;outcasts&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T05:39:05.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16160" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16157" CreationDate="2018-07-05T06:18:26.280" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having been good kid in all of elementary school, I totally understand where you're coming from. Going to middle school was tough at first. I learnt to cuss and swear, yes, but that wasn't the thing that eventually got me &amp;quot;accepted&amp;quot; into my clique of friends; it was being &lt;em&gt;sarcastic&lt;/em&gt;. And no, I don't mean sarcastically saying everything so everyone thinks you're putting off the conversation. What I mean is being smart and twist your words in a way such that it gets the message across &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; it's a tad humorous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This example conversation I'm gonna cite is probably not one that you would use (because you would feel it is offensive) but I'm citing it so you know what I'm trying to get across in this answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Oh my, I've got so much homework to finish up on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Homework? What's that? Can it be eaten? (I said this sarcastically to subtly 'laugh' at him and bring the point across that I've got no homework for the day)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: Oh sure, it's delicious! Maybe you can eat it up for me, then I'll just tell my teacher tomorrow that &lt;strong&gt;my dog ate my homework.&lt;/strong&gt; (this roasted me so badly but it was a good comeback and I laughed at it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you'd probably feel offended if your friend said it to you, which is why this example &lt;em&gt;may not be the best one&lt;/em&gt;, but it's all good fun and laughter after sarcastic exchanges take place. Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T06:18:26.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16139" CreationDate="2018-07-05T06:19:47.213" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your current proposition for dealing with this seems to be predicated on the assumption that either you have to deal with it alone or involve HR and there's nothing in between.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In reality your line manager (or buddy/mentor if you have one as a new joiner) is unlikely to be HR and should be well equipped to deal with this appropriately and in a way that you're comfortable with (and even if they're not experienced should have avenues of support open still). So I'd suggest a private chat with them to start with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was your manager I'd be worried if you didn't feel able to raise this with me and very concerned if I found out you'd been suffering in silence. I'd also be neglecting my duty if I didn't help you deal with it in a way you're comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you've expressed a preference to not involve HR there are still lots of options open if you engage with your manager on this (and they should work with you along the way or open themselves up to serious complaints also):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They might know the individual well enough to offer better advice than strangers on the Internet for exactly what you already suggested doing which would be things you yourself could do directly. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They should keep track of this situation and support you in making sure it is resolved, no matter which initial path you pick to take&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They should offer to intervene (privately) on your behalf, without making a formal complaint to HR if that is your preference. This is the reason I'm writing this answer, because I suspect it's likely to be both more effective and simultaneously less awkward for you if they do this on your behalf. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Depending on the size and nature of the employer they may be able to recommend others internally who can support you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If your line manager isn't supportive (pretty unlikely in Western Europe in this era I think) then there are clearly much bigger problems with this company and you might want to thinking about more formal procedures.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're in control here, but you don't have to go it alone even if you don't want to bring in HR. Don't suffer this alone and don't let your status within the company be an excuse for their crappy corporate culture that didn't already challenge this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19446" LastEditorUserId="19446" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T06:26:08.123" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T06:26:08.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15128" CreationDate="2018-07-05T06:32:13.353" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;With the goal being to answer the neighbour's apology without implying their behaviour is acceptable, saying something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for owning up to it. No hard feelings!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;with a smile will suffice. For extra credit, and to lay the groundwork for friendship, you can then extend an olive branch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A traditional example would be to invite them over for afternoon tea. However in this instance (and depending on your family's attachment to the plants, of course) you could also offer for your children to cut a few flowers for them every now and again, or perhaps ask if they would like a cutting to grow on their own. This will establish you as an approachable family, reinforce your willingness to start afresh, and further dissuade your neighbours from tampering with your plants except with your permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17395" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T06:32:13.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16139" CreationDate="2018-07-05T06:45:34.593" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’ve never written advice like this so take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I think that all these “let HR defend you” and “tell them it makes you uncomfortable” is kinda like telling a kid whose being bullied to tell his bullies to stop it because its making him uncomfortable, its probably going to make it worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel you are in this situation, you have clearly told them you have a boyfriend and you are not following their game, why are they still doing it? &#xA;Because&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They want to make you mentally tired (they are succeeding) so you&lt;br&gt;&#xA;eventually say yes,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They already know very well you will not say yes, so in a sort of&#xA;revenge act they are making you feel as bad as they can.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, we can all argue forever about what should happen, how should people behave, etc. but the truth is, that even if we manage to create things that protect us we still have to learn how to protect or defend ourselves in case there’s no one to do it for us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don’t want to go to HR just yet, so the only solution I see is to just buckle up, set your mind to not let these things drag you down and learn to come back their comments, but not as in to start a fight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that public shamming is a very bad idea, this could make them very angry and could lead to more serious threats, instead make them feel bad about themselves, for instance when they mention their wives say something like “oh you seem to know a lot about that, you cheat on her a lot? Nice” but do this in a sort of joke, this will make them see you are not afraid or uncomfortable, that you can calmly handle anything they throw at you but you will never give in, and finally they will feel guilty for the way they are behaving but this will happen internally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sarcastic but playful, definitely its difficult to find a middle ground. Some other things you can do is to “super-manize” your boyfriend, talk about him a lot in front of them, how he’s tough and he’s done this or that, how he treats you so well and does so many things for you, how he's protected you before, etc. this will show them that they won’t have a chance since you like ‘em tough and will incite in them a feeling of you being protected, even if they know he’s away, this will impact them on an instinctive level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend spent 4 years working in a government environment, she was 22 when she joined, the place was kind heavy, she never got any harassment experiences despite being quite young and good looking, but she did get into plenty of arguments and “who is stronger” games there, she “survived” it because she did all the things I mentioned and never gave in and she never showed any discomfort or weakness, she once even got into an argument with a 45-year-old dude who just wanted to pick a fight and she made him cry, sure there were times when it was too much and naturally came to me to let it all out, she cried out of frustration or anger a few times because people there &quot;teamed up&quot; against her, but as I said, she did this with me, she never let anyone see her &quot;wounded&quot;, and after releasing her emotions, she came back stronger and people learnt not to mess with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said, we could argue forever about how all these behaviours shouldn’t happen and how everybody should be responsible and mature and what not, but reality is far from what it should be and there’s just something about groups of people working in a relatively closed environment, instinct and egos kick in and they start behaving a bit like animals. In any case, even though I totally support the solution of going to HR or finding someplace else, I think it’s going to be temporary, there will always be someone who will want to pick a fight with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I just remembered something else you can tell them when they make comments about your clothes!&#xA;Once in college I heard a dude tell some girl that she looked so nice in her blouse or something and she replied: &quot;Oh thanks! I can lend it to you anytime&quot; as in for him to wear it, like two BFF girls sharing clothes, I thought it was pretty clever and cracked me up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19447" LastEditorUserId="19447" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T18:10:49.313" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T18:10:49.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16164" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16156" CreationDate="2018-07-05T07:02:53.400" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a similar situation with a friend, and while I still look back at some of the ways I've responded and realise with hindsight there were better ways to approach it, I've found &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ruok.org.au/how-to-ask&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this resource&lt;/a&gt; extremely valuable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I would emphasize from it, particularly for someone who is likely to be isolated for 6 months, is to do whatever you can to make sure those checkups happen. Find some normal activity you can do that keeps a dialogue open over that 6 months, and do that. An example could be talking to the person over Skype while playing a video game you are both interested in. This keeps the dialogue open, provides you with opportunities to notice if your friend is in a difficult period, but doesn't make it look like that's what you are doing. It's also a reminder that you are available if needed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask &quot;Are you OK?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be relaxed, friendly and concerned in your approach.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Help them open up by asking questions like &quot;How are you going?&quot; or &quot;What’s been happening?&quot;   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mention specific things that have made you concerned&#xA;for them, like &quot;You seem less chatty than usual. How are you going?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Listen Without Judgement&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take what they say seriously and don't interrupt or rush the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don’t judge their experiences or reactions but acknowledge that things seem tough for them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they need time to think, sit patiently with the silence.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Encourage them to explain: &quot;How are you feeling about that?&quot; or &quot;How long have you felt that way?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show that you've listened by repeating back what you’ve heard (in your own words) and ask if you have understood them properly. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Encourage Action&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask: “What have you done in the past to manage similar situations?”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask: “How would you like me to support you?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask: “What’s something you can do for yourself right now? Something that’s enjoyable or relaxing?”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could say: &quot;When I was going through a difficult time, I tried this... You might find it useful too.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they've been feeling really down for more than 2 weeks, encourage them to see a health professional. You could say, &quot;It might be useful to link in with someone who can support you. I'm happy to assist you to find the right person to talk to.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be positive about the role of professionals in getting through tough times. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Check In&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pop a reminder in your diary to call them in a couple of weeks. If they're really struggling, follow up with them sooner.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could say: &quot;I've been thinking of you and wanted to know how you've been going since we last chatted.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask if they've found a better way to manage the situation. If they haven't done anything, don't judge them. They might just need someone to listen to them for the moment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stay in touch and be there for them. Genuine care and concern can make a real difference. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the additional notes that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they don’t want to talk, don’t criticise them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them you’re still concerned about changes in their behaviour and you care about them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid a confrontation. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You could say: “Please call me if you ever want to chat” or “Is there someone else you’d rather talk to?” &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="405" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T13:57:51.127" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T13:57:51.127" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16139" CreationDate="2018-07-05T08:22:59.550" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've stated clearly that you are in a committed relationship and, that you've been clear about this. This is a good approach but not necessarily the deterrent you might think. From anecdote, I've heard the French attitude to adultery is somewhat more relaxed than you might expect. For instance, stated attitudes have been, there is only  a problem if you are caught and, it would be worse to conduct an affair with another who wasn't themselves in their own long-term relationship. I suspect that this may apply more or less in your locality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I stereo-typically expect that these senior males are themselves either &amp;quot;happily&amp;quot; married or otherwise in a long-term relationship. If this is so, this gives you some informal leverage. Extending the answer from the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16143/5512&quot;&gt;TheRealLester&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;Shame&lt;/strong&gt; and to some degree &lt;strong&gt;Fear&lt;/strong&gt; are your friends here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can empathize, just a bit, with these men. They dream about an illicit rendezvous with an attractive young lady but what they are not considering is the potential payback. You have to remind them of the nightmare when their weakness and misconduct is exposed. Its bad enough looking like a sad old man or &amp;quot;perv&amp;quot; to those in the office but if they were exposed to their wives, partners and families the consequences would be likely harsher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to directly threaten them, you can in-fact appear concerned for the well-being of their personal situation whilst maintaining the moral high-ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Questions like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What will your wife think if she finds out what you are saying to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm young enough to be your daughter. How, are your family anyway?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or more directly,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people knew you were hitting on me, do you think they'd understand?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing here is not to be conspiratorial. Make it clear that you are completely open with your boyfriend, even if you are not. Show you are happy to expose their behavior, you are not keeping their secret but, at the same time, you are not directly threatening them. You need to raise the specter that you could tell their friends, wives and families of their actions without remorse because you have done nothing wrong. You can do this subtly, if they are smart enough. From one perspective, you are already doing them a favor by not phoning their wives right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The impicit fear of &amp;quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_flagrante_delicto&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;in flagrante delicto&lt;/a&gt;&amp;quot; should trump the desire for an indecent liaison.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5512" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T13:00:19.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16139" CreationDate="2018-07-05T08:55:20.993" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Taking from what TheRealLester said in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16143/3862&quot;&gt;their answer&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Be loud, be direct, and be assertive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've said &quot;Oh I don't know how my boyfriend would like that&quot; when they ask you out to dinner, however this is too passive, and leaves room for interpretation that there may still be an opportunity for the colleagues in question. &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; know that what you're saying means no, but to them they are just hearing &quot;my boyfriend may not like that&quot;. And if they're willing to cheat on their wives, without regard for how the wife will feel if she finds out, they're certainly not going to care whether your boyfriend will be happy or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you should try using a phrase which leaves no room for interpretation, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No&lt;/strong&gt;, I'm not interested in going out for dinner with you, or going to any other non-business related events. Now please &lt;strong&gt;stop&lt;/strong&gt; harassing me with these requests - you're making me feel uncomfortable, and I will take this to HR if you continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The keywords here are &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;stop&lt;/strong&gt;. This makes your case stronger, as it is making 100% clear that you're not interested. If the behaviour continues, then as others have said, you will need to go to HR. Document what comments were made, by who, and when. Document what your responses were, and take all of this information to HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your original reply of &quot;Oh I don't know how my boyfriend would like that&quot; should be enough for any HR department to see that you want these comments to stop, but as you say, you're worried that they won't take you seriously as they are mostly male as well. By using words like no and stop in your responses leaves HR no room to manoeuvre around and claim mis-interpretations from your colleagues. You've told them to stop, and they haven't - there's no way that can be turned around against you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3862" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T08:55:20.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16151" CreationDate="2018-07-05T09:27:14.300" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;When asking your friends, you can casually mention that you don't smoke cannabis at home. That it is special to you that it is legal over there. It is &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;the&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; opportunity for you to try this substance without breaking the law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this approach, it does not matter whether your friends are pro or con cannabis. They will understand either way that you don't smoke cannabis at home - you are not a junkie at all. After all, it is an opportunity that many people would love to take. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether they will actually join you however depends on their opinion of the substance. But nobody will think of you as a junkie because you want to try it out one time. A junkie is someone &lt;em&gt;heavily&lt;/em&gt; addicted to drugs, and not someone who wants to try out a drug for the first (or even second, third time) - especially if that drug is legal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you are not asking to go there every day or two, you'll be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T09:27:14.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16170" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-05T11:00:09.030" Score="4" ViewCount="1034" Body="&lt;p&gt;We live in a large and expensive city with really high real-estate costs. Both me and my wife are around 30 years of age. It's been over Four years into my marriage now. My wife is constantly worried that there is no substantial property that I could be inheriting from my parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has been bringing this topic up, multiple times during the past year, resulting into a heated argument almost every time. Meanwhile my dad is building a house for himself, on the countryside far-away and constantly asks me to help him out financially. His retirement money pays almost 80% of the cost of this house. We believe it will go to my step-mom later. He recently called me up for some money, when my wife was around and that resulted into another of such arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents and my siblings, when we were young, we lived among relatively poor neighbourhood. My dad was the only breadwinner of our family and many of his colleagues were alcoholics and gamblers. My dad at the same time, did not drink or smoke and paid for all of my education and now considers himself the best parent (he even mentioned it to me once). So, thinks it's disloyal of me to not help him financially now. I did help him financially a lot. But, he always wants more. He even stopped calling me up, when I said I don't have the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a slight introvert and I could say a geek too. I did pretty average in studies. But, I'm doing well at work and manage to make a pay-check pretty close to what people with double my experience make (with the exact same education).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife has been working on her career for the past four years and holds a position slightly less common for people of her experience. Most of her equals at her job happen to be at least 3 year older than her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It constantly intrigues her that all of her male colleagues and female colleagues' husbands have at-least a house of their own in the city, usually inherited from their parents. But, we have none such and it will take us about 10 years to save enough to own a reasonable house in the city. Despite all her efforts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I understand that the problem itself has no easy solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I handle this situation, when it comes to relationship with my wife specifically. I need her to stop worrying about this issue. Or at-least prevent arguments in the future, if that's not possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19454" LastEditorUserId="19454" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T13:43:42.503" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T13:43:42.503" Title="How to handle wife wanting inheritance when I have none" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2018-07-05T12:18:58.180" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16172" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-05T11:22:29.350" Score="7" ViewCount="856" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've noticed over time that my sister-in-law is very focused on appearances and how everyone looks. I find this to be a very unpleasant/shallow personality trait. In general, I don't really like her and we have personality clashes but this is one concrete thing I don't like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has very strong negative emotional reactions to an external visual stimulus such as colours not matching on people's outfits, household decor, vehicles, etc. On the other hand, if she finds something pleasing to the eye she has an equally strong positive reaction. She would be embarrassed to be seen with someone over the smallest fashion transgressions. She feels the need to comment on EVERYTHING. If she's in someone's house and she doesn't like the decor she'll tell you all about the awful furniture the moment she leaves the house. She grimaces, contorts and gossips about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are 2 examples applicable to me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One time I wasn't planning on going anywhere that day so I wore whatever I could find that day and I ended up with a green jacket and a bright pink purse. I don't really like the purse too much but someone gave it to me as a gift so I feel guilty about throwing it out. When she saw me she had a reaction and grimaced. She called my husband later on and told him that I needed a makeover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One time she actually liked my makeup and outfit and she acted in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. She was in awe of me and it really creeped me out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, I bought a new dress for the summer and forgot to cut the tag off. I bumped into her in public.She somehow spotted the tag and picked it off. Later she called my husband and told him that I had embarrassed myself because of the tag. I found this to be strange and I did not think the incident was embarrassing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, this is an issue almost every time I see her. It's really bothersome and dramatic. My husband often agrees with her observations so I've got no loyalty on my end. &lt;strong&gt;How can I get her to stop making comments and phoning my husband about it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3833" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T12:01:09.623" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T16:39:24.820" Title="How to handle an appearance-obsessed sister-in-law?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;in-laws&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16173" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-05T12:14:35.770" Score="4" ViewCount="1340" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work for a small company consisting of 5 to 10 employees including project manager. Every morning, as a team we conduct a standup meeting to discuss the daily agenda that sometimes include informal discussions (problem part) either before or after of the technical or work discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Scenario:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time team lead or project manager start a discussion about social interactions and relationships (things going outside the office in personal lives) which is pretty normal for me if it does not get  to the personal life but it usually ends up in personal issues of each employee asking them their personal preferences or relationships which make me uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some personal questions are like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you have a girlfriend?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Have you been on a date on the past weekend?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When will you get married?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What will you do this weekend?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I want to know&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How to tell them not to ask me such annoying questions?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I avoid such questions?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What are best possible answers to such questions that will make them &#xA;realize I am not the one to ask such questions?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S: The company is small so such informal discussions are mostly happening in the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13555" LastEditorUserId="13555" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T12:27:28.127" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T19:22:31.380" Title="How to get coworkers to stop asking me questions about my personal life?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;&lt;personal-space&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-07-06T05:45:07.903" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16139" CreationDate="2018-07-05T15:57:07.693" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speaking as a man who has never been on either the giving or receiving end of such a situation, I'd suggest you follow a strategy of ramping up the response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start with a mild, polite rejection. If someone doesn't know you have a boyfriend and finds you attractive, there's no point being rude to him. Just say, &quot;I'm sorry, but I already have a boyfriend&quot; or some such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he persists, step it up. &quot;No, I'm not interested. Please leave me alone.&quot;  If he continues, reject him loudly enough that others will hear. The point here is to embarrass him so that he'll be afraid to continue the behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say things like &quot;this is harassment&quot; or &quot;stop harassing me&quot;. Tell him that if it doesn't stop, you will have no choice but to go to your boss or HR. The point here is to warn him that his behavior can lead to serious consequences, including losing his job or even facing a law suit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it still doesn't stop, the next step is to go to your boss or some other person in authority. If you want to make yourself the &quot;good guy&quot;, say that you are willing to resolve the situation quietly, that you don't want to involve HR or turn this into a lawsuit. Odds are the boss will then have a talk with the offending person, and/or arrange for you and him to not be working together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the boss laughs off your problem, or his response his ineffective, then your only choices are: go to HR, decide to live with it, or get a different job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From another perspective:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Men who do this tend to fall into three categories:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;One:&lt;/strong&gt; Those who think they are just being friendly and joking around. I don't know exactly what the men you refer to are doing, but there are women who enjoy light-hearted flirting by co-workers. They take it as a compliment or silly fun. I've been in lots of offices where this sort of thing went back and forth all the time. I tend to stay out of it because I'm afraid that I'd cross a line at some point and offend someone. And indeed I've seen that happens: A man makes light-hearted comments to a woman, she laughs, maybe responds in kind. The next day he makes a slightly more direct comment and now she's offended and angry. For men like this, just telling them, &quot;Please stop&quot; or &quot;This is getting out of hand&quot; will likely have them stammering apologies and scurrying away in embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Two:&lt;/strong&gt; Men who are really looking for a date and think your rejections aren't serious. I recently saw a question on another forum where a woman said, &quot;A man I really like asked me out. I told him no because I wanted him to try harder. Why hasn't he asked again?&quot; Lots of women like to play this kind of game, and men have a hard time telling if you really mean no or if you're just playing. For that kind of man, you need a firm, unambiguous, no. For some men, if you say &quot;I'm sorry but I'm busy that night&quot;, they get the idea that it's a polite brush off. Some take two or three such excuses before they get the idea. Similarly, &quot;Oh, I just couldn't ...&quot; or &quot;I don't know ...&quot; can be interpreted as playing a game. But for such men, a firm but polite, &quot;No, I have a boyfriend and I am not interested in dating anyone else&quot; should shut them down. Stated firmly and decisively, not in some soft, lilting voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Three:&lt;/strong&gt; The creepers who think they will pressure or bully you into sleeping with them. If a man doesn't accept a firm no, he may be in this group. At that point, the only thing that will stop him is public humiliation and/or practical consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know the situation in Europe. Here in the US, companies get very nervous when a woman complains of harassment. A lawsuit can destroy a small company. Management is generally anxious to resolve it quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-08T04:23:08.423" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T04:23:08.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16179" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16184" CreationDate="2018-07-05T16:00:37.043" Score="11" ViewCount="1929" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in a relationship for 8+ months now, and the trip I'm referencing will be past our 1 year date. These numbers don't matter to me any more (as opposed to 1-2 months into the relationship), but just here in case it helps answerers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friends and I are taking an international trip in December for a special occasion, and I would really like my SO to come with me. I told them about it and they said they would look into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to some recent unfortunate circumstances, they are not going to be able to afford the ticket and prices are climbing every day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already bought my ticket and I know I can buy theirs too, and I would like to, but I don't know how to bring this up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I should be able to talk about anything with them and for the most part I can/do. However, money is usually a tenuous subject&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; - regardless of people/circumstances. I don't want them to think I'm trying to show off or that I expect anything in return, or anything of the sort. Nor do I want to add unnecessary pressure to a relationship with a person I'm completely in love with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I go about asking this person if they would be ok with me buying the ticket, with the above thoughts in mind?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. tenuous subject reason - This has been my experience with a friend and some family before, though not with any previous partners or with this SO.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19419" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T10:45:48.600" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T13:16:26.677" Title="How to ask my SO if they are ok with me paying for their flight?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16180" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-05T16:32:02.823" Score="4" ViewCount="1153" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend, &quot;Alice&quot;- I've been friends with her for over 12 years. Met in middle school, still friends as adults. We're both kind of socially awkward and quirky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What happens a lot is that she will tell me about something in great detail and will continue talking about it for the entire duration of our hangout.&#xA; She also often pulls up a video/clip on her phone without saying anything and asks me to watch it with no context- these clips are usually from a game/show she's really into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that she's excited about the topic but the way she presents the information to me makes it feel more alien because I don't know the story, characters, etc. so she starts to explain all of those things too and for me it's annoying because she just talks for a long time while I would have preferred to change the subject to something we both are familiar with and can relate to.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She's pretty talkative and bubbly- sometimes I space out and stop listening as bad as that sounds. It's typical for her to go off on a tangent for 30+ minutes on one subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday we were talking about movies and Alice was talking about how she saw a movie set in Hawaii and our friend, &quot;Bill&quot; said he liked movie set tours. Then Alice looked up a long list of movies shot in Hawaii and proceeded to read off the whole list- when she was done she started reading the list for music videos shot in Hawaii and Bill said &quot;I don't think I need to hear these too&quot; but Alice said &quot;This one is shorter&quot; and still read the list verbatim.&lt;br /&gt;I didn't say anything during this conversation but I really wanted to tell her to please stop reading the list after 20 movies in, but I think Alice thought Bill was interested in this information and maybe Bill was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another scenario was that she was telling me about her blog post she was proud of because it got a lot of &quot;likes&quot; and comments. She described it in good detail and talked about it a lot. Then later she pulls out her phone and shows me the post and read the whole thing out loud to me.&lt;br&gt;I wanted to tell her that she explained the content of her post well enough earlier and I didn't want to sit through her reading it out loud to me but I wanted to be polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When these situations happen I just listen and throw out a comment here and there to show her I'm still paying attention (kind of). &lt;strong&gt;I find it hard to have a two-sided conversation because when I do start talking she kind of &quot;hijacks&quot; the conversation and begins to talk about her own experience/situation/opinion/etc. or brings it back to the subject she was going off on.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our friendship has always had this dynamic but it's a friendship I value and I want to have more &quot;two-sided&quot; conversations with her. &lt;strong&gt;I want to know of ways I can tell her nicely, &quot;Hey, I get that you're really into this- it's is cool and all, but can we talk about (other subject)?&quot;/&quot;Hey not to be mean but I don't want to watch that video/clip on your phone&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I've known her for a long time and I've said things like this before but she usually responds with &quot;Hold on I was getting to the good part&quot;, &quot;Oh yeah- so the thing I was talking about...&quot;, &quot;Watch it- it's really funny&quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T16:52:32.203" Title="How can I tell my friend to stop telling me so many details on a subject?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16172" CreationDate="2018-07-05T16:39:24.820" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to go is often the honest and direct way. I think that may apply here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty openly anti-fashionable. I like my combat boots, I love my mohawk, and I'll generally wear whatever feels comfortable and looks clean at the time. Don't get me wrong, when it's a special occasion, I clean up pretty well. I just don't particularly care much about other people's opinions when it comes to those things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same goes for my mismatched furniture. I prefer chairs that are comfortable, and a living space that looks lived in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember the first time my cousin came to visit me when I was living in Tennessee. She was agast at my apartment. The primary lighting throughout the place was Christmas tree lights, and I hadn't bothered to buy a couch. Nothing matched, the little furniture I did have was all second hand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She reacted in much the same way that your sister-in-law probably would have. She turned her nose up and started lecturing me about how to put together a proper home. Particularly ranty about my need for a couch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I responded the way I normally do in those cases... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I've been living here for six months without a couch, so I pretty obviously don't &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; one. I like my soft lighting and comfortable accommodations the way they are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She huffed and puffed about the couch some more, I blew her off, and then she went out and bought me a couch. (Score)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically it boils down to a:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I like my stuff the way it is, thank you very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few of these kinds of responses people will generally start to back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another prime example would probably be my hair. I've dated, worked for, and been related to loads of people who had issues with my mohawk. My ex was a hairstylist and would regularly lament my anti-fashionable hair. My usual response would usually be along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's just hair. I like it this way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if I was feeling particularly abrasive that day my favorite line was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's my a$$hole detector. Whenever I walk into a room, the a$$holes are sure to say something about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My suggestion is to push back a little. You don't have to be as abrasive about it as I am, but let them know that they're pushing and that it's not welcome.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who knows, if they're as pushy as my cousin tends to be, you may even get some free furniture out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T16:39:24.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16182" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16186" CreationDate="2018-07-05T16:43:50.537" Score="73" ViewCount="10549" Body="&lt;p&gt;So my partner and I have dating for a couple years, and it's definitely been a relationship of learning. Our communication feels pretty healthy. However, now as we're finishing college/university, we have more time together and our conversations aren't as hurried. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of that, we have a tendency to just watch TV together and not say as much. I feel lacking in conversation &quot;ammunition&quot;, since we spend a lot of time together now. Conversations tend to stick with &quot;How was your day?&quot; and feel less authentic by both parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I approach maintaining healthy conversation with a long term partner that I spend a lot of time with?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;: Most of my &quot;ammunition&quot; was from our differences in work at school. She does Studio Art and I'm a Programmer. We once took a class together on Early Scientific Literature, which sparked some awesome conversation for about 4 months. Since we see each other more often, those daily college stories don't tend to hold as long in a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19468" LastEditorUserId="19468" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T17:45:08.000" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T12:19:19.527" Title="How to maintain healthy conversation with a partner long term" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16180" CreationDate="2018-07-05T16:52:32.203" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depending on how deep Alice delved into a topic, you can try different approaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Change the topic&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Snatch up &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; comment that would let you change the topic while still continuing the general conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like Hawaii -&gt; movies shot in Hawaii -&gt; one has &quot;angel&quot; in its title -&gt; redirect the conversation to angels&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Bluntly tell her how boring it is&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what your friend Bill tried to do. Be more direct. You could say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't see more than a handful of those films and don't even know half of them. Let's talk about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Have a honest conversation about feelings&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her that you don't like it when she keeps on talking without letting you get a word in. Tell her that you feel ignored, like you don't even matter to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this talk calmly and with the intention of improving your friendship. Since this appeals to her on an emotional level, she is more likely to change her behavior.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Do not&lt;/strong&gt; make acusations like &quot;You only care about yourself, but never about me&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T16:52:32.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16179" CreationDate="2018-07-05T17:13:17.753" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner hates being supported financially, and doesn't like when I pay for anything for them.  It makes them feel guilty and like a bum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we run into a situation like this, where the options are either me paying or them not coming, I like to phrase my pitch along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;This trip is going to be so much better with you there, so would you let me buy your ticket as a sort of anniversary gift for the both of us?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is to not focus on the financial aspect of it so much as the benefit you're going to receive from their presence.  &lt;strong&gt;Focus on the value you receive from them allowing you to pay their way.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are hesitant, reinforce with something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;The cost really isn't a burden to me, and I'd much rather have you there with me having a good time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If it bothers you, some day you can pay me back. I just know I'd have a better time if you were there with me, so I want to cover it for us this time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By addressing any concerns they have with reinforcement of the value of their presence being more important than the value of the cash you're going to use to buy their ticket, you're setting yourself up for a greater chance at success in persuading them that it really isn't about the cash value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T13:16:26.677" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T13:16:26.677" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16179" CreationDate="2018-07-05T17:14:22.383" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, where money is involved, you need to make sure to communicate the nature of the transaction and what's expected of both parties. In this situation, I'd focus on the fact that you're giving a gift and expecting nothing in return and that this is a one time thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could approach them with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't think I'd have as much fun on this trip in December without you. I know it's a little selfish, but I'd love to get you tickets to come with us as a gift. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing missing here is emphasizing that this is a one time thing. For that I think it depends on your relationship. If it were me, I'd use some humor:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just don't don't get used to it, I'm not your sugar daddy/mama!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T17:14:22.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16182" CreationDate="2018-07-05T17:27:40.920" Score="78" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I think its natural that you have less to talk about since you're able to see each other more often.  When I was away at university, I would call my parents about once or twice a month to update them on what happened.  A lot can change in a month and I always have something to talk about with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once I returned home for the summer I can now see them everyday.  The large amount of things I had to talk about because I had to wait became a small amount of daily updates that didn't seem like much, but still when I look back on the past month, a lot has still gone on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, don't stress too much about conversations mainly sticking to &quot;how was your day&quot;.  As you get closer to your partner you will know more about what they do in their time, and people's lives are (usually) pretty static.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Tips for Better Conversations&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go out with other friends (without your SO) and share once you get back.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find a hobby you both enjoy, &lt;em&gt;but can do at different times&lt;/em&gt;.  Participating in the hobby at the same time ties into what I said above about knowing what your partner does in their time.  I play fighting games with friends and I when we have the chance to play together we show off new combos or other things we learned while alone.  You could even expand on those new things by then working on something even better together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find similar &lt;em&gt;but slightly different&lt;/em&gt; hobbies/topics that you both like.  For example, my father and I are both interested in music.  He plays in a traditional rock band I and prefer digital music production.  I share my tracks with him as they progress and he will tell me about his meetups with his band mates.  Sometimes I can even get authentic guitar samples by going to his sessions, which helps us bond as he can hear the final result of something he played a week ago.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just start talking.  Seriously, it works.  I've had great conversations with friends just by randomly blurting out a question or thought I've had.  Talk about a theory you're thinking of about the TV shows you watch.  You might be surprised at how interesting the conversation gets.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T12:19:19.527" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T12:19:19.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16187" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16182" CreationDate="2018-07-05T17:30:34.333" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you may feel like your relationship has stopped growing. Things feel rote and you need something new.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pick up a new hobby together.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't been in the place that you're talking about in my relationship, but I've picked up a couple new hobbies with my SO. For us it was jigsaw puzzles and niche board games, but the effect was instant. It's given us something to do during the quiet times of the week and it's something that's shared between only us. We have something new to bond over and talk about. It's also let me see a different side of my partner as I've gotten to watch them learn in a new situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find something that sounds interesting to both of you but that you've never really explored and dive in head first!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T17:30:34.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16188" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-05T18:43:02.200" Score="10" ViewCount="547" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a specific pattern which appears frequently in my conversations and alienates my conversation partners. I would like advice on how to address that pattern as a whole, not just the one example I am giving. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It starts with someone expressing an idea. Today, it started with a colleague in a meeting, who said something along the lines of &quot;we need a chart of our product setup, let's set aside a slot next all-hands meeting to work together on it&quot;. To which I answered &quot;And how do we ensure that we don't end up with 3-4 people actively discussing and the other 25 zoning out?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From everybody's reaction, and earlier conversations with friends, I can now piece back that I came across as saying &quot;What a stupid idea, it will never work because people will zone out for sure&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The actual contents of my mind (some more salient than others at the time) were roughly &quot;What an interesting idea, I would like to engage more with it. I would like it to succeed, but it's complex enough that it's not guaranteed if we just implement it naively. I just noticed a possible failure mode, and maybe you have already thought of it and have a strategy for avoiding it. If yes, I would be interested to hear it. If no, then I propose that we think about it, now or sometime later, because that way your idea is more likely to be successful&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is something which has happened to me more than once, with different people, and different ideas. They say &quot;we should do X&quot;, I say &quot;and what can be done about Y&quot;, and they hear it as criticism. So I am afraid that I might be gaining a reputation as a grumpy naysayer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be a good way to express my actual reaction, while still ensuring that the potential complication gets addressed? I would like some answer pattern which is more succinct than what I typed above, because I am afraid that people won't follow me if I am so wordy, and will probably change the topic before I have come to the point of the potential complication. Also, I am better at reflecting on the meaning of conversation after they have happened, but much more reactive during them, so I need something which I don't have to compose carefully in my mind for a full minute - I will either forget it, or somebody else will jump to another topic while I am doing it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19475" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T13:06:28.740" Title="How to address a detail of an idea without appearing to shoot it down?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;criticism&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16188" CreationDate="2018-07-05T18:57:14.637" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're trying to give &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Varieties_of_criticism#Constructive_criticism&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;constructive criticism&lt;/a&gt;, but you end up giving &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Varieties_of_criticism#Negative_criticism&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;negative criticsim&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big issue here is that &lt;strong&gt;if you point out flaws without showing support or giving a solution, you look like you're poking holes in the idea.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be thinking in your head that this is a cool idea that you'd like to help improve, but all everyone else sees is you poking holes in the idea. You're focusing on what's wrong without either communicating that you actually think the idea is good or giving an alternate solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One easy method to give constructive criticism is &lt;a href=&quot;https://dmh.mo.gov/dd/docs/tieredsupportsummarythesandwichmethod.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Sandwich Method&lt;/a&gt;. You sandwich the &quot;meat&quot; or the criticism between two slices of positive feedback. &#xA; Using the sandwich method, you could reword what you said to something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I like this idea but I'm worried it'll be 3-4 people actively discussing and the other 25 zoning out. Can we discuss how we can prevent that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I like this idea,&quot; shows your positive support, then you voice your criticism, and then you head toward a positive solution, &quot;Can we discuss...?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T18:57:14.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16188" CreationDate="2018-07-05T19:05:59.897" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your problem is that other people cannot read your mind. You have the right ideas, but you need to voice them to give people a chance of following your line of thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The right way to do that is outlined in countless instructions about &lt;strong&gt;constructive feedback&lt;/strong&gt;. Basicly, this consists of 3 simple steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;State what you have observed&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;State what is / was good&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;State what could be improved (&lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;what was bad&quot; but &quot;how could it be &lt;strong&gt;improved&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how short your feedback is supposed to be, you can skip step 1, but then &lt;strong&gt;stick to step 2 &amp;amp; 3 in exactly that order.&lt;/strong&gt; You don't have to remember more than those 3 steps and the more you practice, the more naturally it will become to follow them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me give a comparison:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And how do we ensure that we don't end up with 3-4 people actively discussing and the other 25 zoning out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You skipped memntioning anything positive about the idea. You asked a question that &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; be taken as an objective inquiry or &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; be interpreted as an attack on the very idea and the person voicing the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Good idea, but I'm afraid we will end up with 3-4 people actively discussing and the other 25 zoning out. Why don't we give people a 5 minutes break between both meetings to catch some fresh air?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You balanced positive and negative feedback. Instead of being a grumpy naysayer you propose solutions and are actively working on the success of the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T19:05:59.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16191" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16173" CreationDate="2018-07-05T19:22:31.380" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have said that you do not like nosy questions, especially about your personal life. To get over these feelings here is what to do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself why they are asking such questions. Is it because you have offered no information on your personal circumstances, and is it possible that they are just trying to get to know you better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about what you are trying to hide from them. Identify the reasons. If you have reasons why you are keeping information from them - think about what those reasons are and whether they actually matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prepare a list of nosy questions and decide beforehand what your answers will be. The answers should keep you in a social situation - not unsociable answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to stop these questions from mattering to you - have no regard for them either way. They are only questions, but you should work on giving something back to those interested enough in you to ask them. So really find out why you are holding back answering the small talk with small replies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally you could think about answering a question with another question - bouncing back upon the really nosy questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T19:22:31.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16151" CreationDate="2018-07-05T19:24:51.463" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;People who live in states that have legalized recreation marijuana tend to have very permissive attitudes about smoking/eating/consuming it.  If you say &quot;Lets go to a dispensary. It's illegal in my country and I want to see what it's like&quot; your friends won't think you're a junkie.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People in states like Colorado, California, and Alaska realize that marijuana use is something that productive members of society can choose to do in their spare time.  Only the most judgmental residents of those states would think less of you for wanting to try some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to dance around this question. Think of how you would react if a 20 year old American friend visiting your home country said &quot;Lets go to the liquor store. It's illegal in my country and I want to see what it's like&quot;.  That's the reaction you can expect from most people in recreational marijuana states.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sources:&#xA;Nothing official, but I currently live in Massachusetts (a state that recently legalized marijuana). I lived in Washington DC (a city that recently legalized marijuana) for 6 years. My cousin went to college in Colorado (a state with legal marijuana). My girlfriend lives in California (a state with legal marijuana). I've met a ton of people who don't smoke themselves, but I can count on one hand the number of people who would judge someone else for smoking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19479" LastEditorUserId="19479" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T17:30:55.737" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T17:30:55.737" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16139" CreationDate="2018-07-05T19:38:17.953" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;For answers that &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; involve HR, go to workplace.stackexchange.com&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The examples that you gave are, from a man's point of view, offensive. &quot;You look good&quot; is most likely meant as a compliment, &quot;Your body looks good&quot; is offensive. There is no good will behind them. There are situations when people are offended by someone who actually meant well, but that's not the case here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your clothes have actually nothing to do with this. You can dress as you like (as long as it is acceptable in the workplace). And whether you have a boyfriend or not doesn't matter. I take it you wouldn't want any of these &quot;men&quot; as your boyfriend if you were single. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The people you have to do with here are men, and disrespectful men at that. Most men are bad at taking hints. If you want them to listen what you say, you must tell them (and on the other hand, that's fine with most men.) So you shouldn't brush this off. If something like this is said to you, you shouldn't brush it off. You should call them out on their behaviour immediately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: &quot;John, listen to me. My body is none of your business. The next time you think about making comments about my body, just keep your mouth shut. I don't want to hear it, and no decent man or woman wants to hear it&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. At my current workplace, any man behaving like that would be in deep trouble with my boss. My boss, if he behaved like that (which he wouldn't), would be in trouble with most everyone. So putting these men in their place is something you should do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T19:38:17.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16194" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16544" CreationDate="2018-07-05T19:43:23.290" Score="11" ViewCount="3222" Body="&lt;p&gt;My relationship with my dad has been rocky the past 9+ years. After divorcing my mom when I was 16, (I am 25 now) his passive-aggressive narcissist behavior has become more prevalent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, he will appear kind and caring while friends of his are around, then if he is upset at something (List below of history) he will text the offender and tell that person (most often, it is me, my mother or my younger sister) what they did wrong, and how he was hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have offended him about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A Facebook post (TL;DR I discussed the topic of gas-lighting, he accused me of gas-lighting him, and I posted randomly a quote educating people about gas-lighting &lt;strong&gt;not tagging him or commenting about it that pointed to him in any way&lt;/strong&gt;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not being able to go to his birthday/father's day party (because my car was in the shop.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; I was able to go with a different car, after a LOT of guilt-tripping and manipulative statements which the conversation could have been done WITHOUT &lt;em&gt;easily&lt;/em&gt;.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not visiting his mother as often as he would like (complicated family drama attached to this visit)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not visiting him as often as he would like (which is never satisfied)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not following his advice (despite me finding something better)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Assuming I see my mom more often than him (Both true and not true- my mom lives closer, plus I have a closer relationship with her, plus my sister and little brother want me to come over to &lt;em&gt;mom's&lt;/em&gt; house rather than dad's. Still, I don't talk with my mom as much since marrying, and both of us are fine with that.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad isn't fine with not talking as often, but still expects me to initiate the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many, many things I can think of, and am trying to let go of. These topics seem to come up more often than others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My issue here is that if this were a stranger or an acquaintance, I'd stop interacting with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this is my dad. Some of the things he says do make sense (in parenting, he loves and cares about me, and has valid worries), but his approach is very manipulative and causes more harm than good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a lot of resentment towards him for being mean and manipulative to many of his family, both on my mom's and his side of the family. I am a married woman that is living away from family- my father lives around 30 minutes from me, far enough away that I cannot keep going to him every day (I see him around 2 to 5 times a month), and I work all day every day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have gone to counseling for 8+ years for trying to figure out what can be done. I have had civil conversations with him, telling him how I feel, and he still turns it back to himself, telling me i'm not listening to his feelings enough. It goes back and forth without a good resolution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I tell him to stop &lt;em&gt;immediately&lt;/em&gt; when he &lt;em&gt;starts&lt;/em&gt; guilt-tripping and manipulating me, without causing him to over-react and start firing away at me?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that I have gone to counseling and I have talked with him &lt;strong&gt;after&lt;/strong&gt; the situation, but I have yet to &lt;em&gt;stop him in his tracks&lt;/em&gt; when he starts guilt-tripping me more than only once or twice out of many conversations. He has not apologized or acknowledge fully his actions towards me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One statement I have used when he started demeaning me about how I needed to &lt;em&gt;fix&lt;/em&gt; my feet, and do what he does, just because he knew better:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I respectfully disagree. We can discuss this later, let's do (whatever planned activity) now.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What happened after was that he backed off a little, said something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Okay, I can send you web links later&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I responded with something like a nod, &amp;quot;yes&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;okay&amp;quot;, or a &amp;quot;yeah&amp;quot; and it helped that I just went back to getting ready to rock climb (which was the planned activity), just putting my shoes on, getting my chalk, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not intend to demean him, or cause him to completely clam up. I wish to simply make him think twice and steer away from saying invalidating and demeaning statements about me and to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I converse with him 40% of the time over text and around 60% of the time in person. I do not call him (profoundly deaf, can't hear over phone at all). I usually am around him with my sister and others, but sometimes I find myself alone with him, in the car, at a restaurant, etc. where it's not logical or safe to just bolt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-05-22T19:30:30.240" Title="What to say to steer passive-aggressive narcissist parent(s) away from saying guilt-tripping statements to me or other people?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;narcissists&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16195" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16182" CreationDate="2018-07-05T20:00:22.143" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to the good advice in the other answers, I'd suggest that you not treat &quot;how was your day?&quot; as a throwaway formality.  I find with my girlfriend that if I really &lt;strong&gt;listen&lt;/strong&gt; and then ask a few questions, there is plenty that happened in the day that is interesting and worth talking about.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will do the same and ask me a question about my day that gets me going.  It not only provides conversation, it gets us reflecting on what's going on.  A lot of time we get through the day and don't think about what happened.  Giving your partner time to reflect each day is a gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T20:00:22.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16196" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16200" CreationDate="2018-07-05T20:22:15.727" Score="8" ViewCount="409" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a facility with a large manufacturing plant and a large number of engineers, lab techs, and manufacturing personnel. Because of the nature of the equipment we produce and the documentation standards we adhere to, when even a relatively minor change has to be made, it often requires that several people be informed of or asked about the issue so that a production deadline can be met.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, many of my coworkers are 'talkers' with decades of seniority on me, and they're often engaged in chit-chat or low-priority work discussions when I need to get or pass on important info. They have many years of practice interrupt-proofing their speaking-- it is difficult for me to find a good 'in' with a lot of my coworkers, because there are no significant lulls or pauses in their end of the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good example would be me running up them, papers in hand, obviously in a hurry and needing to get or receive information, and the talker will make eye contact, but keep talking as if I had not appeared.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not the shyest person, so I'm not above butting in directly, but does anyone have any recommendations or social/conversational hacks that I can use to bring attention to my issue immediately, and then pass the mic, so to speak, back to whomever was interrupted?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19480" LastEditorUserId="19480" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T20:39:56.423" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T22:40:06.393" Title="What are some good strategies for interrupting coworkers with more important information?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16194" CreationDate="2018-07-05T20:22:57.397" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like a familiar situation! I have had my share of abusive people in my life from classmates to home issues, and with lovers. I understand how frustrating it is when all you want to do is just scream STOP which of course leads to them projecting onto you with issues of anger, and being unruly/impossible to talk to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist that I learned to better handle these types of situations. By reacting out of frustration, which it's hard not to lash out, you just make it worse or further reinforce the thoughts they have about why they need to treat you the way they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;DON'T REACT:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the first bits of advice I got was to &lt;strong&gt;stop reacting&lt;/strong&gt; to the things I don't like. Sounds simple and easy in theory, not so much in practice. But by not reacting to manipulation, not lashing out at things they know push your buttons, you take away their power to upset you, you take back control of your emotions and actions. If you stop reacting to the manipulation and only respond to the positive, you are stating to them &quot;I will not respond to being treated badly&quot;. This makes them try to find new ways to reach out, and by responding when they do it in the behavior you desire, they will likely realize that's the only way they will be able to approach you. Maybe they don't change their approach but instead say, you know, I realized that the way I have been talking to you and treating you has not been good so I will make it up to you by...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I FEEL STATEMENTS:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you can try doing is sitting down and having a civil discussion about this using &quot;I feel&quot; statements. T&lt;strong&gt;hese are great for discussing how YOU feel without turning it on them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Dad, I feel really frustrated when my life choices are challenged. It would mean the world to me if I had people supporting my choices and not put me down for decisions I decide with my partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice the above statement is all about you and how you feel. Not: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Dad, It frustrates me that you always get mad if I don't follow your advice. Why can't you be supportive of my choices?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See how very confrontational that is? It puts almost anyone immediately into the defensive mode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;I feel&quot;&lt;/a&gt; statements are great &lt;strong&gt;non-confrontational ways&lt;/strong&gt; that you can use for virtually any situation when you want to have a serious talk about something bothering you without starting world war 3.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;IN CONCLUSION:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, there is only so much you can do on your end. Your Dad also has to be willing to accept your feelings and have a civil conversation about it as well. Which if he doesn't, may lead to harder choices down the road that you may need to make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;9 years sounds like a fairly large gap from when your parents were divorced, It is possible that he wants to make sure you don't end up like your mom (forcing you to do his advice), and it's also likely he is lonely especially if he doesn't have a new partner (wanting you to visit him and your grandma more frequently). So It is important to hear him out too and why I said in comments that sometimes taking a step back can really help when you get the full spectrum of details. Try asking him why he feels you need to only follow his advice (in a civil non-confrontational way), try asking him why he wants you to visit more (maybe he can visit you more often or set up a half way mutual night out).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course none of it will change his behavior over night if at all, but if you can at least come to an understanding with eachother, you might be able to repair some of the relationship and have the peace you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-07-05T20:30:33.680" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T20:30:33.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16182" CreationDate="2018-07-05T20:24:53.333" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in a bit of a similar situation until I had to move temporarily for a few months. I found the distance helping a lot since you are not together. My partner and I had so much more to talk about, when before &quot;how was your day&quot; didn't seem as interesting, now, we had to much to talk discuss about our days. From there the conversation naturally stemmed into other topics and we could talk for hours. So simply I suggest spending a bit of time away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I also suggest doing something different. What's killing your conversations is the monotony and same daily routine. Have a day trip somewhere new, research some fun and exciting activities, go out drinking with your friends, play board games etc. Stimulate your minds by doing something different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19481" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T20:24:53.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16196" CreationDate="2018-07-05T21:02:27.860" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have important information to convey, but the person who you need to tell is busy talking. You say that interrupting them to tell them is not an option since they'll be upset, and waiting for them to finish talking can take forever. As such, I would suggest you be willing to walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know they're one of the &quot;talkers&quot; as you dub them, I'd walk up and regardless of whether they're talking or not, wave to get their eyes on you and say,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry to interrupt, do you have a moment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short. Concise. Easy. Either they tell you that they're in the middle of a conversation and busy or they let you convey your information. But either way, by giving them a choice and keeping the interruption to a minimum, you'll likely be better received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case where they &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; tell you now is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; a good time, document the exchange. Go back to your computer and send an email to them to let them know you need to talk to them about the new change and you tried but they were busy. Create a paper trail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they never respond to you or let you tell them, then you have proof that &lt;strong&gt;it's on them&lt;/strong&gt; that they didn't know about this change when the deadline passes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T21:02:27.860" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16188" CreationDate="2018-07-05T22:28:16.137" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the solution to your problem is something you are already capable of. You already virtually provided a reworded version in your question that would have been 1000s of times better. I can definitely relate to you as I always try to pick my words too carefully, or just blurt out something when what I say is not close to what I am thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would take a moment before you speak up to a group to gather your thoughts. Then instead of saying the first thing that comes to your mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And how do we ensure that we don't end up with 3-4 people actively discussing and the other 25 zoning out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;the extra couple seconds of thought could lead to you instead saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What an interesting idea, I would like to engage more with it. I would like it to succeed, but it's complex enough that it's not guaranteed if we just implement it naively. I just noticed a possible failure mode, and maybe you have already thought of it and have a strategy for avoiding it. If yes, I would be interested to hear it. If no, then I propose that we think about it, now or sometime later, because that way your idea is more likely to be successful&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, maybe the above could still be improved but still better than what you previously said. Maybe you can instead say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's a great idea! I would like to get more people's thoughts on this since we are such a large group, what do we all feel would be great ways to get others more engaged?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That politely hits on the fact not many people participate but you are looking to change that without coming off rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So again, I think you are already capable of the adjustments you need to make, you just need to let your mind catch up to your thoughts before speaking so you can get out what you mean :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-07-05T22:28:16.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16188" CreationDate="2018-07-05T23:23:31.830" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And how do we ensure that we don't end up with 3-4 people actively discussing and the other 25 zoning out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You involuntarily used a marketing technique called &lt;em&gt;visualization&lt;/em&gt;. An efficient tool to convince someone to buy your product/concept/idea is to make him visualize how life will be (positively) changed if he buys your product. Here, you portrayed a negative outcome so anyone participating in the conversation could visualize it and be convinced the idea is doomed to fail. This is especially convincing here as you used numbers, making the situation very concrete for everybody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use visualization in a positive way here, or better in the given example, help the person at the origin of the idea describe the desired outcome. That way, you let them keep the leadership and help them convince other people (which is a good thing, since you genuinely think the idea is good).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's a good idea. With 29 people discussing and tossing ideas, we would have a great chart in a blink of an eye. 29 people require organization. How do you plan to organize everybody so that we can work efficiently?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As everybody said, start by stating that you find the idea is good. I would avoid to start the next sentence by &quot;But&quot; or &quot;there is a possible problem&quot;, as &quot;That's a good idea. But...&quot; is often a polite way to say that an idea sucks. Most of the time, you don't need to state a potential failure/problem, since you can orient the discussion on the concrete realization of the idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5387" LastEditorUserId="5387" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T13:06:28.740" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T13:06:28.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16207" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-06T04:41:41.873" Score="8" ViewCount="588" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm currently a junior/senior in High School, currently looking for colleges. My father has taken it upon himself to help me find a college that would best suit what he believes to be my ambitions: a 4-year bachelors degree in computer science, computational linguistics, or other related fields. And while I do have plenty of interest in those areas, it isn't what I want to do. I'm interested in pursuing a path to a doctorate in Latin or Classical Languages, and eventually, ending up teaching and researching at a university level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem regarding my father arises here: he seems (to the best of my perception) to have ingrained the idea that his son (myself), who has been programming since a young-ish age and has followed in his father's footsteps thus far and will continue to do so, into his very being. I fear that if I approach from the wrong angle and make it known to him that I'm not following the path he thinks I am that it will inflict a great deal of emotional harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way that I can tactfully reveal to him my true ambitions, so that come application time, I don't have to ad-lib an explanation concerning why I am applying for schools with a strong classics and classical language focus, and ignoring the computer science aspect?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2639" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T17:08:41.577" Title="How can I properly express my true academic and career ambitions to my father?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;teenagers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16207" CreationDate="2018-07-06T06:15:47.397" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being worried about revealing your true ambitions to your parents is very normal. When someone thinks that the truth about themselves will damage their loved one's opinions of them it can be difficult to open up. In this context, if your goal is to reduce emotional harm, everything is overshadowed by just saying it. Unless you plan on hiding your career from your parents you will have to tell them eventually and no matter how you tell them, it is &lt;strong&gt;what&lt;/strong&gt; you tell them that's important and in the end it's up to your father to decide what he thinks about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who has had this conversation with his parents and then 1 year later said &quot;wait nevermind that actually sounds pretty good&quot; I do still have in the moment advice for you though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Own it.&lt;/em&gt; If you try too hard to dance around what you mean, it encourages debate about your choice. You are revealing your ambitions, so reveal your ambitions! Be direct about it, leaving no room for misunderstanding. Keep in mind, there is a difference between telling someone what you are thinking and demanding that this is black and that is white. You could very well be like me and change your mind later on, so don't burn any bridges.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Pick a good time.&lt;/em&gt; As you already mentioned, leaving it to the last possible minute can leave you flustered, catch them off guard and, especially if people are around, can make the conversation far worse than it needs to be. Tell them early, at a time when they have a spare minute to listen to you without worrying about social pressures of what other people think. Let them know that you want to discuss something, this gives them a little minute to mentally prepare for a serious conversation and get in the right headspace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Explain why, and focus on yourself.&lt;/em&gt; I know I said that just telling them is all that's really important, but it's a lovely bonus if you can give them even more insight and understanding as to why. &lt;a href=&quot;https://compassioncoach.com/blog/when-use-i-statements&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;I statements&lt;/a&gt; will help a great deal with this. They are a very useful tool to allow you to explain without arousing the defences of your parents. If you can get them to understand how you feel, they will empathise with you rather than feel at ends with you, and that can only help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T17:08:41.577" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T17:08:41.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16209" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-06T09:33:03.150" Score="-11" ViewCount="1230" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am the manager of a small team of programmers. I usually have a hands-on approach. I tell, they do. Often there are problems and I have to fix things they can't handle or I have to tell the higher-ups that there are delays and so on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of this I am sometimes a bit angry. I don't scream at them as other people may do but I sometimes curse but in a clearly joking way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ey egghead nice work. The interface has an error in Menu 3b. Fix that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or after a long meeting with my higher-ups where they conveyed that they are not satisfied with the progress a of a project, I go down and tell 'em:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alright nerds, I talked with the big boss and everyone but Dave is fired.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;em&gt;(Short confused gazes..)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Just kidding but we should finish in 2 weeks max.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday my boss told me that he heard complaints about my approach to work. He absolutely stands behind me as he loves my &quot;Just do it&quot;-attitude but I think my cellar-nerds misunderstand me. I don't want to hurt them but they often mess things up. And I could make boring long speeches about how they all suck but that's not my style. I make a short joke and everything's back to normal for me. No hard feelings, just a joke. But they seem to take everything personally and frankly I don't want to sugarcoat everything, we are adults not kindergarten children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell them that I'm just joking and don't mean to insult them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user19203" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-11-21T17:40:22.260" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T14:06:51.887" Title="How to tell employees that I don't mean my insults seriously?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16210" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16209" CreationDate="2018-07-06T09:46:07.993" Score="30" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell them that I'm just joking and don't mean to insult them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can pick any approach you like. It won't matter one bit, because the important thing isn't how you meant it, but how they're taking it. And they don't seem to like the way you're talking to them. And they don't think your &quot;jokes&quot; are funny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joke-insulting people is something that works between people who know each other, respect each other and understand each other. It's mostly a thing between friends or peers in &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; informal workplaces, and it's &lt;strong&gt;incredibly risky&lt;/strong&gt; to do this when you're in a position of authority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't sound like the kind of workplace where these conditions are in place, and the best way to continue would probably be to cut the &quot;jokes&quot;, apologize to your staff for your behavior, and treat them with a  more respect in the future. A &quot;can-do&quot; attitude does not require being disrespectful and joking about firing people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T09:46:07.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16211" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16207" CreationDate="2018-07-06T09:46:17.093" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am speaking to you as a father, who has a son in university.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My son Ben started out with the ambition of studying Chemistry - He was excited by all things chemical, and confident of a high grade. He had offers from all of the major universities, including St Andrews. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was convinced and committed. But when his results came they were lower than he planned for. This was a complete shock to him, and because of that he withdrew for one year which he spent largely in his own room on his own, his friends had gone on to their universities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He then applied for Computing.  This subject has always been his core strength. As well as this he recognised that he was a home bird and ended up in his own town university. He has a first for his first year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am saying that as a father, I have chosen to stand back and let my son make his own decisions. I have not tried to drive his future because this is in my opinion a fruitless exercise. If you allow your dad to think that he can place you into your future you could easily end up with wasted years, and a wasted career as well as future difficulties with your father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is in your hands because it is your life. You must take control of it. It may be a difficult experience just saying no to your dad, but he will respect you for it in the future and you will be happy instead of anguished as you now are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go to him with your well rehearsed plan of your future education. Involve him, tell him why you wish to choose yourself and get his very good organisational ability to help you get what you really want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make his choice for you your back-up plan -Should you wish to jump ship then that will be there for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My son and I have a great relationship at the moment and he tells me everything about his successes and or failures. You and your Dad should be able to do the same but if you do not own up to your feelings you are being unfair to him and to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T09:46:17.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16209" CreationDate="2018-07-06T09:51:21.680" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;That you refer to them as 'whiny' employees in your title suggests you have little to no respect for your team. You want to make them change to fit your personal preferences, did you ever consider you are the one who needs to change? Being 'can-do' does not mean belittling and insulting people who obviously don't appreciate your attempts at humour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Erik said, you can't affect how they will take a joke like that, so you need to change your approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5711" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T09:51:21.680" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16213" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-06T10:15:50.087" Score="5" ViewCount="559" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm living in a theocratic country, where people have to study religion in schools and universities extensively, no matter the field of study. And holding different views from the mainstream religion can be dangerous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a very irreligious person, and my family is aware of my views, they've been supportive most of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've recently come back from university to my hometown. I haven't done well this semester, so my mother asked me the reason, and I explained to her about how I have been really depressed, and how I didn't have the power to study. She suggested getting help from a therapist to which I agreed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem was that the 'therapist' she had in mind was a cleric, while I was thinking that I need a psychologist. When I expressed my doubts she insisted that the cleric wasn't 'a radical person' and that he would be able to help me, reluctantly I agreed to meet him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly the cleric was more open-minded than I expected but still, I don't think he really had the competence to help solve my problem, and of course ultimately he tried to convince me that the solution to my depression should be 'on a spiritual level'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I'm an adult, so I can talk to a proper psychologist myself. But my mother doesn't usually react rationally when I refuse her help. The last time I tried that, my life was a living hell for months, until I proved her wrong. She would constantly push me to accept the 'help' she had to offer, and would practically bring up the matter anytime she could. so right now I'm trying to figure out how I should inform her that I won't be seeing her 'therapist' in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19493" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-08T14:39:33.283" LastActivityDate="2019-03-08T15:35:59.027" Title="How can I properly refuse my mother's help?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16214" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16209" CreationDate="2018-07-06T10:47:16.170" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the other answers have already noted, you're not going to convince your employees that you're &quot;just joking&quot;, because clearly they are not receptive to your management style. You're evidently a person who likes to get straight to the point, so my short answer is: &lt;strong&gt;do that. Cut the jokes, and just tell your employees what they need to know.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Longer answer below.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;frankly I don't want to sugarcoat everything&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand that. You don't want to give your team false compliments. But what you're doing is actually the same, but in reverse: you're giving them false &lt;em&gt;insults&lt;/em&gt;. You're &quot;salt-coating&quot;, for lack of a better word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider your example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Alright nerds, I talked with the big boss and everyone but Dave is fired&quot; [...] &quot;Just kidding but we should finish in 2 weeks max.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're giving them bad news: &quot;we have to finish this work within the next two weeks&quot;. You're also preceding it with &lt;em&gt;worse&lt;/em&gt; news: &quot;if you don't finish this work in two weeks, you're all fired except Dave&quot;. Maybe that's not actually the case, but if I heard my boss say what you said, I would &lt;em&gt;absolutely&lt;/em&gt; interpret it as an implicit threat that I'd be fired if I didn't get the work done on time. And that's not going to motivate me. That's going to stress me out. And that's not going to help the quality of my work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you don't want to sugarcoat things, but your employees aren't receptive to your salt-coating, the solution is simply: &lt;strong&gt;skip the coating.&lt;/strong&gt; Just say what you want to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alright, I've talked with the boss, and we need to get this finished in 2 weeks max.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No sugarcoating, but also nothing that they can construe as an insult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8608" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T10:47:16.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16209" CreationDate="2018-07-06T12:00:42.387" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who has managed a technical team, let me start by saying this: your staff takes everything you say seriously.  Whether you joke around with them or not, every word that comes out of your mouth has meaning and impact to them.  Because of that, I'd suggest taking a long, hard look at your management style.  I had to learn the hard way that any joke I made would not be well-received, no matter how I meant it or the subject.  I learned that my employees expect me to be their boss and not their friend who tells excellent jokes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't read that you respect your team and the language you use toward them is demeaning.  It's apparent to me that their technical skills don't measure up to what you think it should be.  Trust me on this: your employees will display the exact skills that you expect from them.  Expect them to be a bunch of screw-ups, and they'll do that.  Expect excellence, and they'll return that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, about joking with them: joking is fine, but it needs to have limits.  When you joke around about them being fired, it's something that you CAN do, so there's that nagging doubt about it being possible.  Personally, I can not think of &lt;strong&gt;any&lt;/strong&gt; time where joking around about a person's livelihood would come across as anything other than a Michael Scott (from &lt;em&gt;The Office&lt;/em&gt;) situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you make a joke about something they joke about, it carries a different weight coming from the boss.  When Tony tells Bob &quot;you suck&quot;, it means something totally different than when the boss (even jokingly) says &quot;you suck&quot;.  So I'd really suggest sticking to something not related to jobs, performance, tasks at hand, skills, something you can do, etc.  As the boss, you're not one of them, no matter how hard you try.  Keep the jokes for your peers, and be more professional with your staff.  I think you'll find that your relationship will improve with them, and they'll respect you more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T15:45:42.500" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T15:45:42.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16209" CreationDate="2018-07-06T12:05:13.470" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there are two problems here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It seems that you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; mean your insults seriously. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are in a position of power over them. That's a difficult position to be in for insulting humor, even if it were not meant seriously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the first point, &quot;egghead&quot;, &quot;cellar-nerds&quot;, or &quot;you're fired&quot; are meant as humorous exaggeration, but they are part of sincere criticism. You do want to convey that they &quot;suck&quot;, that they &quot;can't handle&quot; their work, and that they &quot;mess things up&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as you say, these insults do not come from a place of good-hearted humor, but from a place of anger. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would be surprised if your employees &lt;em&gt;wouldn't&lt;/em&gt; be insulted. They probably get that it's meant as humorous exaggeration, but they do not appreciate it given the circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second point should be fairly obvious. Insulting humor in a relationship where only one party can use it, as others have to fear retaliation because of the power imbalance is difficult to pull off, even in a healthy manager-employee relationship (which this doesn't seem to be).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution here seems simple: Stop the insults, apologize, and don't let your anger affect how you deal with your employees. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, address the problems directly instead of using vague insults. If there are more bugs than there should be, find out why. Is there no process in place to verify correctness? Is there not enough time allocated to that process? If a project is delayed, check and see why that is. Do employees spend the majority of their time on facebook? Then address that with the employees. Are the deadlines unreasonable? Then address that with the higher-ups. Is the problem somewhere else? Address that. This will also be more productive than insultingly telling them to &quot;just do it&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1583" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T12:05:13.470" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16218" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-06T12:13:18.423" Score="3" ViewCount="224" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a relative that lives in a small apartment but it's quite messy. She pointed out that her home was messy and explained that she couldn't clean it because her health wasn't up to the tee. How could I appropriately approach the subject of offering to clean it for her without causing any hurt feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19502" LastEditorUserId="13051" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T13:02:50.473" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T15:37:17.153" Title="How should I approach the subject of offering to clean a relative's home for them?" Tags="&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-07-07T10:10:38.313" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16207" CreationDate="2018-07-06T12:39:08.053" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Very difficult to answer because you don't give a lot of information about the relationship between you and your dad, or anything of note about your father's character (except that he is clearly interested in your education). &quot;Emotional harm&quot; is a very strong term, and there must be some more back-story to you thinking this even as a possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I believe that there could be a distinct lack of communication &lt;em&gt;both ways&lt;/em&gt; leading to your quandary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It occurs to me that your father &lt;em&gt;may not even know&lt;/em&gt; that you have an alternative career path in mind. Have you ever talked to him about these interests before? If you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; he may not be as shocked as you describe; but if you &lt;em&gt;haven't&lt;/em&gt; then it is possible his action in arranging the course for you may be because he doesn't think you have done anything about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; for a fact that he will be displeased with your choice of career? See, if you have been holding back from talking to him about it out of fear, he may see your lack of conversation about your education as &lt;em&gt;disinterest&lt;/em&gt; on your part. So rather than his involvement being due to him wanting to control your career path, it may be just because he is doing what he thinks you haven't done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So talk to him about it &lt;strong&gt;now&lt;/strong&gt; before this gets any worse. The longer you leave it, the more of &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; time is being wasted researching and arranging your college place. And, as has been suggested in another answer, do some proper research into what you want to do first so that your discussion shows you have put some thought into it and this isn't just a random whim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T12:39:08.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16182" CreationDate="2018-07-06T14:35:49.463" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here is suggestion to watch movies and improve your relationship:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;University of Rochester published a research: &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.rochester.edu/news/divorce-rate-cut-in-half-for-couples-who-discussed-relationship-movies/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;couples watching and discussing 50 movies cut divorce rates in half&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discussing five movies about relationships over a month could cut the three-year divorce rate for newlyweds in half, researchers report. The study, involving 174 couples, is the first long-term investigation to compare different types of early marriage intervention programs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discussing five movies about relationships over a month could cut the three-year divorce rate for newlyweds in half, researchers report. The study, involving 174 couples, is the first long-term investigation to compare different types of early marriage intervention programs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The findings show that an inexpensive, fun, and relatively simple movie-and-talk approach can be just as effective as other more intensive therapist-led methods—reducing the divorce or separation rate from 24 to 11 percent after three years&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/1508519/movie&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;List of original movies&lt;/a&gt; plus additional movies added later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you can watch the movies, will have something to talk about, &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; improve your relationship. I am in no way suggesting that OP's relationship is in need of expensive and intensive intervention by a therapist. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2796" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T01:12:43.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16218" CreationDate="2018-07-06T15:37:17.153" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a relative who was injured and wife had cancer.  When we visited, we talked about their situation and the things that they both wished they could do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people take inordinate pride in their housekeeping and see inability to keep up with cleaning as a sign of failure.  So I wouldn't approach it from that angle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the relatives above, I offered to cook a meal for them.  That was something that they knew they needed and neither had the ability to do.  then, after cooking, I was able to say, &quot;Hey, I made a mess of the kitchen.  Let me clean my mess up.&quot;  No one will say, &quot;Hey, please leave me a mess..&quot;  So that worked out well.  Then I could give the kitchen a good cleaning, and she was happy that I could do that while not insulting her housekeeping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, the discussion got harder.  I offered to pay for a maid service, but was told that he would not accept that.  So there's an element of pride associated (again) with that. However, once successful with the kitchen, had I wanted to, I would have said something like, &quot;Kitchen's done - can I give you a hand in the living room?  Is there anything you need moved around?  I've swept the kitchen - how about I vacuum the living room?&quot;  I would keep the offer small- don't insinuate the whole place needs cleaning, but ask to do small tasks and keep going.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T15:37:17.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16209" CreationDate="2018-07-06T15:46:12.053" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have worked in environments where your style is used. But that's after the time was taken to get to know each other, and it was equally distributed among peers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In reading your question, it's very apparent you see the employees you manage as nothing more than inferior people to push around. &quot;I say, they do&quot; is a very narcissistic approach you take to interacting with them. Nothing about your post even hints at joking. I would likely have reported you to HR already and requested a new manager and or a new department.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You look down on your team and it seems quite clear that you have done little to nothing to build a bond and gain their respect. So it's no surprise they have complained.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are bosses, and there are leaders. The boss type of mentality does not last very long in most workplaces.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/Gbncy.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/Gbncy.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Picture telling the difference between a &amp;quot;boss&amp;quot; and a &amp;quot;leader&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-03T14:06:51.887" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T14:06:51.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14463" CreationDate="2018-07-06T18:48:49.223" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This man has no rights whatsoever to approach you angrily without even introducing himself. Then angrily bullying you so that now you feel threatened, and worried about your work, the noise it is making and how you can fit in in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has exerted an influence upon you. In return you were reasonable, but do not put up with any more of these visits Just tell him that you have rights on your own property and to keep away in future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can consider closing your door, buying silenced equipment or sound proofing the enclosure so that the decibel level is low. That is my answer to your question. You do not need an olive branch, it is he who should extend that to you if anything Do not allow a stranger to interfere with your life - stand firm on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T18:48:49.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16226" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16228" CreationDate="2018-07-06T18:54:01.793" Score="54" ViewCount="15166" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't stand smoking, like, at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get repulsed by someone's smoking nearby or coming close to me after smoking. It's purely due to the smell, which I find about on par with eating foods I hate the most, if not worse, and ends up consuming a large portion of my thoughts - I don't have a moral problem with it. Spending too much time around smoke can also give me a headache. I might have hyperosmia (a heightened sensitivity to smell) - the smell of smoke isn't the only smell I have a problem with, but it tends to be the most consistently problematic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I've recently found myself interested in someone who smokes &amp;quot;sometimes&amp;quot; (whatever that means).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally I would like to find out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How important their occasional smoking is to them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How often they smoke&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whether they could be convinced to try to work something out that involves not smoking around me (on the hope that their interest in me outweighs the desire to smoke that often)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe find out whether it's strictly vaping or weed (which might not bother me).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; want to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give up on them before having brought this up (even if that might be the best idea)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Date them if they're going to smoke around me or before hanging out with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might consider one or two dates if that would put me in a better position to bring it up, but I doubt it would help and during that time it could become painfully obvious that I can't stand smoke if either they smoke or someone nearby smokes, which would prevent me from getting in ahead of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, I'd also like to &lt;strong&gt;avoid&lt;/strong&gt; seeming like I am:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Trying to get them to stop smoking altogether (that would not be some &amp;quot;ultimate goal&amp;quot; of mine for either short-term or long-term dating, even if I would obviously prefer it that way)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Trying to &amp;quot;fix&amp;quot; or change them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to present them with the fact that I can't stand smoking (like telling someone you're deaf, or really disorganized, or a Republican), and let them decide whether that's a problem for them or they're willing to compromise. This would be different from asking them to cut down on smoking because e.g. I think it's bad for their health (like wanting someone to become a vegetarian because you dislike animal cruelty). Now you could probably argue them being a smoker is as much of a fact as me not being able to stand it, but maybe they already smoke rarely enough for it to not be a problem, or they can change that fact, if they want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Taking a moral position about smoking (which is not true and may offend them)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A negative person&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A sickly person&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how can I find out how important smoking is to them and ask them to not smoke around me considering all of the above? When is the best time to bring this up, assuming we're at the initial chatting phase and they haven't agreed to a date yet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T09:16:30.063" Title="How can I ask a new date to not smoke around me?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;smoking-vaping&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16226" CreationDate="2018-07-06T19:10:57.457" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Spending too much time around smoke can also give me a headache. Yes, I have a really sensitive nose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a reasonable point that you can bring up when discussing it with her.  &lt;strong&gt;If it seriously affects you in that way, your date will most likely be understanding about the situation and make compromises.&lt;/strong&gt;  My grandma was an avid smoker and still is up to the ripe old age of 80, but my mom made it absolutely clear that she should not be smoking around my siblings and I when we came over.  My mother didn't &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; care that she smoked, but just not to do it before or during our visit.  My grandma complied without any complaints.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can bring it up before hand or the first time it happens, but you would probably want to mention it before hand.  Explain the symptoms you get when you smell smoke and ask if they could not smoke before or during any times you two meet up.  You can even throw in a comment about how you don't really care that they smoke for moral reasons, but it's just for your well being.  No judgement and no negativity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; If your date vapes, you might not have that much of a problem with the smell.  Vapes emit water vapor instead of smoke, which won't irritate your nose, unless you are allergic to something in the juice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="2830" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T08:54:52.037" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T08:54:52.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16226" CreationDate="2018-07-06T19:15:58.923" Score="105" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my dating experience, &lt;strong&gt;I've found that prying too much about a topic I take an opposing stance on has been problematic.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I met someone who was &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=420%20friendly&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;420 friendly&lt;/a&gt;&quot;, so to speak, and began asking them questions to determine how prominent that was in their life.  When I ultimately told them I wasn't as big of a fan of it, it ended up coming off standoffish - like I had been asking all of these questions about their habits to do some kind of judgement based on my own counter opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of asking questions about their habits, consider just putting &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; end of things out in the open in the form of an olive branch you can both work off of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;So I was wondering - would it be a deal breaker for you if I asked you not to smoke around me? I don't mind if you smoke otherwise, the smell just tends to bother me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main benefit of this approach is that you're letting them know how you feel and &lt;strong&gt;opening the door for &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; to decide what they're willing to do to work with you&lt;/strong&gt;.  This encourages you to talk about it together and work towards a possible solution (or find out that it just won't work out), without risking making things confrontational by &quot;gathering intel&quot; on their habits before telling them that you can't stand the smell of smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="2078" LastEditDate="2018-07-08T23:43:12.467" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T23:43:12.467" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16226" CreationDate="2018-07-06T19:26:44.513" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can see the bottom of this answer for the first thing I would tell a friend who came to me with this question, however its not an answer within the bound of this site. Instead here is an answer which should fall within the guidelines of the site.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to not talk with this person about it at all, especially if the conversation wouldn't be face to face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The basis of my answer is that: 'Can I be with somebody who occasionally smokes?' is an &lt;em&gt;intra&lt;/em&gt;personal issue for you to find out for yourself. Smoking is not an issue that exists between you and this person to figure out. Further, anecdotally, cigarette smokers often feel, not unjustly, morally attacked or judged for their habit and trying to get exact details of their habit may come off extremely negatively, no matter how polite and circumspect you are trying to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Entering into a relationship wanting to change/ being averse to a behavior of your partner is not going to lead to a good dynamic, however since you posed this question, I take it that there exists some theoretical threshold of smoking which you would be fine with. If you want to find out if this person exceeds that tolerable level, then the best way to gauge that would be to spend time with them. If you do more than mention in passing that smoking really bothers you, you may influence the results of the experiment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest trying to go on (a) date(s) somewhere outdoors, or a place where smoking could happen, but won't bother you if it does. Observe if/when your date smokes and see if it is unbearable for you. If it is, then break it off there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My other strategy if this is not to your liking would be &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16228/12145&quot;&gt;Jess's answer&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Unsolicited NAA advice&lt;/strong&gt;: I know you specifically called this out, but if smoking is a big problem for you and one of the first things you learned about a prospective partner is that they smoke, then I would advise dropping the prospect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially given the fact that its the smell that you take issue with, smell and taste are closely linked, and if your relationship with this person got far enough you would be facing the fun aspect of kissing somebody whose mouth tastes like smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-07-06T20:53:21.113" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T20:53:21.113" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16230" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16091" CreationDate="2018-07-06T19:52:17.143" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to give an answer that will get me downvoted, but here we go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your daughter was &quot;correct&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She used her words, then she responded with a measured, albeit physical response. I have taught this to my kids. Use your words, but if your scared of afraid, then you not only have my permission to hit, but I will never punish you for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that &quot;hitting&quot; is not a good first response, and it's not the correct go to in anger, but the fact remains if my child is in fear or they think they're in danger they have blanket permission to do ANYTHING to change their situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now in your circumstance, I would reassure your daughter that she did the right thing, by first using her words. Then tell her it's ok that she hit (or pushed or whatever), but ask her if there was anything else she could have tried first. Of course, focusing on getting the teachers attention. Keep in mind that responding physically when scared or in danger (keep in mind that's a perspective) is 100% ok. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I would not add any punishments at home, and instead have a conversation about how even though she was doing the right thing by using her words, then hitting, that there is still a price for that. Because she used her hands instead of her words she can't go back to camp. That she can still be right and have to &quot;pay a price&quot;. That fault and responsibility are not the same things. It's not her fault, but she still has the responsibility. That can be tricky, but it's an important lesson and in my opinion much better than teaching your child that hitting is always 100% wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dealing with the teachers is going to be a bit odd. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First address their concerns, then state yours. Make sure to use your I feel statements. Always keep in mind that the other child and their parents have concerns as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would do something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you are concerned with the safety of all the children in your care, but I feel this is unfairly impacting my daughter. She did use her words before she acted physically. Yes, she could have acted better and made a different choice, but I feel that as providers you could have been more aware of her situation when she was using her words to ask for help. In my opinion, she was scared and reacted as any scared person would. We are working with her to make sure she is less tense in these types of situations, and I would appreciate it if you were more aware of her limitations in this area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You listed their concerns, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you stated yours, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you clearly listed what you expect them to do in the future, but without accusing them of doing anything wrong, at least not directly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You also stated what you are doing to correct the &quot;problem&quot; on your daughter's side.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's really all you can do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T19:52:17.143" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16213" CreationDate="2018-07-06T23:19:39.463" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother routinely overreacted in many neutral situations, including ones such as yours. I've found that it is often impossible to find common ground with her on certain topics. As frustrating as it may be, it's important to remind yourself that your mother is trying to do what &lt;em&gt;she thinks&lt;/em&gt; is best for you. Avoid taking personal offense whenever she does not react rationally to your decisions. Escalating the situation is the quickest way to &quot;living hell&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you are an adult now; it's time to truly own up to that. Communicate with her that you sincerely appreciate her thoughtfulness regarding your mental health, and since you do not feel that your concerns are spiritual in nature, that a professional psychologist/counselor is more appropriate. You could mention that one provided by your university would be more helpful since you are enduring academic difficulties. Another thing you could mention is that you are only in town temporarily, and won't have access to the cleric's services once you leave, so it makes more sense to establish a relationship with a professional from the university. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, since your mother seems to care greatly about your mental health, you could try talking to her about your concerns, if you haven't already. Sometimes, advice from your family could be just as constructive, if not better, than a professional's. She may be upset that you do not want to see the cleric because she truly wants to help you, but feels powerless because you outright refuse her help. Either way, give her an opportunity to understand your decisions, and once you have respectfully done so, move forward and do what &lt;em&gt;you know&lt;/em&gt; is best for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16487" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T23:19:39.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16226" CreationDate="2018-07-06T23:39:26.790" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I smoke &quot;sometimes&quot;, which is to say I smoke a cigar once in a while. It has ranged over my life from most weekends during grad school to once every couple of &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt;. Right now, it's 1-3 times per year. There are other minor details, like keeping cigarillos handy if I'm going to be around heavy cigarette smokers (I find the cigarillo smoke less bothersome, especially compared to menthols), but suffice it to say I smoke infrequently enough that for medical purposes, I'm considered effectively a non-smoker. But if asked in a dating profile, I'd put &quot;sometimes&quot; so didn't appear dishonest or mislead someone who has a strong objection to smoking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't worry about it too much. I would treat this like you would any other part of someone's character. If they start to light up when you're there, just ask them politely not to smoke around you (&quot;I'm sorry, but would you mind not smoking around me? I'm very sensitive to the smoke.&quot;). If it shows itself to be an issue, then it might be worth bringing up and discussing in more depth to see if it's going to be a deal-breaker for you. But even if it turns out that they smoke more frequently than you expected, it could be that they accommodate you readily, and it never becomes a problem. Just let the discovery process progress naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bringing it up right away might make you appear to be morally opposed or a worry-wart. If someone asked me up front, directly but politely, I wouldn't be offended and would just answer honestly. I might be concerned that they could become a schoolmarm later and scold me about it, but since I value open communication, I wouldn't jump to conclusions. But I'm not everyone. Then again, if you're concerned that they might get a little defensive about the habit, that may be something you want to know now. I'd argue if that's the case, you might want to reconsider whether or not you're actually comfortable with dating a &quot;sometimes&quot; smoker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it this way: If someone had a few drinks, or even a few &lt;em&gt;too many&lt;/em&gt; drinks on an outing, would you immediately become concerned and question them about it? If it happened twice in a row, though, I think you would be justified in asking, &quot;Should I expect this every time we go out?&quot; I would probably laugh the first episode off, but two in a row would make me consider whether I was compatible with that person. I have no problem with drinking, or even occasionally getting a little sloshed. I drink, and one of my best friends is a high-functioning alcoholic. But I wouldn't want to date someone for whom I'll always just be a designated driver. I wouldn't start worrying about it based on someone putting &quot;drinks: yes&quot; on their profile, though. Applaud the honesty and see if there's something there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16165" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T23:39:26.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16239" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16209" CreationDate="2018-07-06T23:57:01.900" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your co-workers might not find you very constructive and trustworthy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Criticize their work, not the person. Say what has to be improved. If you have suggestions as their senior, be helpful. Your co-workers aren't helped in any way by being told that they suck. Actually, they would likely want to improve their skills and capacities. Give them suggestions, and also be open to their suggestions as that would make them feel more valued and increase the job satisfaction. A happy employee is a productive employee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cut the ad hominem jokes and sarcasm. Apologize for this behavior. Be honest, and tell them you didn't want to hurt them, and that you will improve in giving constructive feedback (in their benefit).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm very sorry for my way of giving feedback. I will try to cut the sarcastic jokes. Instead I will try give constructive feedback so we can all grow as professionals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly you could finish with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would appreciate if you gave me constructive feedback as well. Whenever you think I can improve something, whether it be code or issues with my management style, please let me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-07-06T23:57:01.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16242" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-07T04:57:19.713" Score="6" ViewCount="524" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 15 year old high school student who is a programming enthusiast. I have started a software &amp;amp; tech &quot;company.&quot; I say this in quotes because we have not incorporated legally, we do not pay our workers, and we do not make money as of right now. We are the classic basement startup, with bi-monthly meetings literally &quot;in my mother's basement.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, we are developing a videogame. I am the main programmer of the game, but under my command I have many other high school students. Some of these do music, some of them do art, some of them do writing. (Our game is very story-centered)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a serious problem. My art team, currently consisting of three high schoolers, is very inefficient. (They procrastinate everything) Art team has been rocky from the start, with people leaving and others joining over time. As it stands, I have 3 artists in my art team. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is this: Without adding new artists, how do I motivate my artists (and my crewmen in general) to do stuff? I can't pay them, as we make no money and I would quickly run out of money. &lt;strong&gt;I guess this is more of a &quot;club&quot; than a &quot;company,&quot; though we treat it somewhat like a company.&lt;/strong&gt; I don't want to threaten to fire them as my only motivation. I want to somehow reward them for their achievements and promote EFFICIENCY. I really want to show them how much I appreciate their work, without making it weird or &quot;cringy.&quot; What are some motivating factors?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Any help would be awesome!&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19517" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T14:03:49.393" Title="Motivate Highschoolers in my Tech Startup" Tags="&lt;teenagers&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16242" CreationDate="2018-07-07T10:07:12.780" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As everyone has different motivators, the only realistic way to find out how to motivate them is to ask them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For those who enjoy working with you, find out what they enjoy about it. For those that have left, ask them what makde them leave. But for all of them, ask them what they want to get out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is it just being in a club?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do they want money?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do they want to create something?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do they enjoy being your &quot;art team&quot; or do they feel they are your equals or superiors?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speak to them - they will give you far better indication as to what they want than we can over the internet :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="98" LastActivityDate="2018-07-07T10:07:12.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16245" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-07T12:01:08.460" Score="2" ViewCount="402" Body="&lt;p&gt;A colleague and I both went for a promotion to team leader and I got it. I am looking for advice on how to handle the awkwardness of him not obtaining the promotion and me being in a position of authority over him now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel it is necessary to at least very briefly talk about it or acknowledge this situation in some way but I do not want to generate more awkwardness or rub my promotion in his face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not expect that anything I will do or say will turn this into a happy situation for him but I would like to make the best of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3812" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-07-07T13:29:12.767" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T18:49:18.267" Title="How to dispel the awkwardness after getting promotion and now managing my peer who vied for the same job?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16245" CreationDate="2018-07-07T12:54:36.150" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You colleague has no choice - he has to make the best of it, or else move on. So if you think about it, they have to get along with you. Where you have a rare opportunity is to be completely fair in your actions. Do not treat them any differently to others who you may be in charge of. Do not go easy on them either. In return they will be relieved and surprised and you will be able to get on. The answer is in your hands, your actions will determine the road ahead. You got the job - now carry it out in an honest and fair manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-07T12:54:36.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16226" CreationDate="2018-07-07T12:54:58.500" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't smoke at all, while my girlfriend does. Like you, I really detest the smell of smoke. And since we've been together for almost a year already, I can tell you that a couple of a non smoker and a smoker can exist and be happy. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For us two, it boiled down to compromise. To get it, it was important to not make it a matter of principle, but a matter of what's important to me and what's important to her: she knows that I hate the smell when I'm eating, so during meals/snacks she sucks it up, whereas I know that the cigarette before going to bed is sacred for her, so I suck it up instead. When we're together, she smokes only when we're outside and we take care of being in the right position with respect to the wind. I never lectured her on the health effects of smoking and she never retorted my requests with lectures on the importance of personal freedom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The essence is really investigating and acknowledging what's important to them. Every cigarette is different: there is the one you smoke while waiting for another person, the one for when you're bored, or nervous, or drinking alcohol, or the one after coffee. Depending on the person, it's easier to give up on some of them but not others. Ask them about their relationship with smoke: after all, it's an aspect of their life and you're interested in them, so it's just normal to ask. However, be extra careful in not expressing any judgment of any type (health, money, you name it) and be tactful (&quot;If you don't mind, can I ask you...&quot; / &quot;You can not answer if you're not comfortable with it, but...&quot; etc). Just be interested in them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the type of compromise to reach for when you're together, ask them what's their suggestion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I'm really sensitive to the smell of smoke. Would it be too much to ask you to not smoke when we're together? &lt;strong&gt;What can we do to both be comfortable when we meet?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you'll find out that if you go and eat Chinese food, then the cigarette is just compulsory, but not if you just go to a park (just making these up), and you two will decide to postpone the Chinese food night for a while. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the record: since we're together, my girlfriend smokes way less than she used to (&gt;8 cigarettes per day versus 1-2). Being with other smokers is a big push towards smoking, whereas being with a nonsmoker whom you care about is a good reason to just postpone a little bit that one cigarette. She ended up just forgetting smoking when we're together :).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="3296" LastEditDate="2018-07-07T13:10:25.057" LastActivityDate="2018-07-07T13:10:25.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16226" CreationDate="2018-07-07T13:51:28.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a former cigarette smoker, but now do vaping instead. I can tell you without a doubt that smokers have a peculiar relationship to their vice. Ignoring health concerns, a smoker with any sort of self-awareness will be acutely aware of how disgusting it is and how much it stinks. That is, smoking is offensive to the senses of a non-smoker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What has this got to do with anything? Well, if smoking is disgusting and unattractive and if she vaguely likes you, then she will want to present her most attractive self that would make you more likely to want to kiss her. You only do disgusting things around people you don't care about impressing or with whom you're very comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now I've recently found myself interested in someone who smokes &quot;sometimes&quot; (whatever that means).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she tells you she sometimes smokes, there's two ways to interpret this:&#xA; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's possible she only smokes sometimes, and if this is the case, she's very unlikely to smoke around you. If you're a &quot;sometimes&quot; smoker, then you aren't the type of person who happens to carry a packet of cigarettes on your person. Instead, it more likely means that when you're really drunk at 1 a.m. you might bum a smoke off someone if you really feel the need to smoke.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If I know smokers, &quot;sometimes&quot; actually means &quot;regularly&quot; or at least on the weekends. Her saying that she only smokes sometimes, however, is a positive sign: it means she's trying to downplay her vice, at least initially. If you were to commence a relationship with her and she's done trying to impress you as much, she might feel more comfortable showing you her vices. &#xA; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Trying to &quot;fix&quot; or change them&#xA;  I want to present them with the fact that I can't stand smoking (like telling someone you're deaf, or really disorganised, or a republican), and let them decide whether that's a problem for them or they're willing to compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt she'd smoke around you, at least on the first few dates, but if she does I would suggest that you convey your feelings with actions rather than words. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If she lights up in front of you, just swipe the smoke away as you would any  irritant but don't let it distract from whatever conversation you're having with her.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she sees you do this, it will simplify the matter for her, because it means you find the smell of cigarettes very unpleasant to your senses and you don't want unpleasant smells around you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When is the best time to bring this up, assuming we're at the initial chatting phase and they haven't agreed to a date yet?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realistically, don't say anything. Just go on a date with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to get an idea of how &quot;important&quot; smoking is to place her in a position where you're someone she's interested in romantically, or at least wanting to get to know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it's possible for you to bring up the issue of smoking with her until it directly affects you. That is, if someone started asking me about my smoking habits, I would interpret it as some sort of moralising on their part: if it doesn't affect them, what business is it of theirs if I do or don't smoke?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would use it as a litmus test. If you're out on a date with her and she's perfectly comfortable with imposing an unpleasant sensory experience upon you, then it will demonstrate to you that this &quot;sometimes smoking&quot; of hers is actually quite important to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8011" LastEditorUserId="8011" LastEditDate="2018-07-07T16:47:12.633" LastActivityDate="2018-07-07T16:47:12.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16250" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13802" CreationDate="2018-07-07T18:44:37.373" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When we go to the cinema it is to watch the movie - and in order to watch this properly, the lights are turned off. Also the sound is amplified for our pleasure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As well as providing this atmosphere and of course the film itself, the Cinema Chain also has a duty of care to ensure that movie goers are not also trying to cram their other activities into the visit, with no consideration for the rest of the viewers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plainly, your argument is with the Cinema Chain - Definitely not the trouble makers. Soewhere out there there is a Manager sitting down doing his nails - for what else do you need to do once the auditorium is full?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What else is looking after his customers that is what because he is paid to do it. Next time, quietly go to the Manager and ask for the removal of the offenders. They need not know who you are at all. If he fails to sort the problem then raise a customer complaint, asking for the correct procedure for a written complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply if the Cinema do not have a proper set of rules for the behaviour of the cinema goers - it is their problem and not yours. Do not get involved with these people personally - that is the thing that you never ever do. You have paid for a service - so make sure that you get it. Plenty of the others will support you or the manager if he has to eject the trouble makers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-07T18:44:37.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16242" CreationDate="2018-07-07T20:22:47.127" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a difficult situation and you have to consider the possibility that they will never deliver the amount, quality or at the deadlines you want. After all, the &quot;main job&quot; of all you guys is going to school. Everything else is either hobby or additional stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how you set up the tasks for your art team, but if the story is completely set and they have to produce images or animations following that story board, there is not much fun in that. Sounds to me like a boring job description and not at all like a hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So make a special meeting for your art team. Maybe include someone responsible for the story line. Do some brainstorming with sketches and concepts, have some crazy and funny ideas together. Let your art team influence a scene or chapter with their ideas and record them in quick sketches. If the meeting went well and was fun, it should be enough incentive for at least some of them to work on &quot;their&quot; scene. Rinse and repeat until either they loose interest or are hooked enough that they cannot abandon &quot;their&quot; story now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you set some basic rules for these meetings. Write down fixed plot lines that cannot be changed due to finished development. Insist that if someone has an idea, they should promise to actually deliver the necessary art work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T11:40:16.333" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T11:40:16.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16253" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-07T23:01:51.527" Score="8" ViewCount="531" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: I'm a competent and careful handyman who cares deeply about the quality of my work. I'd like to present the idea of doing repairs and minor renovations to my rental for only the cost of materials but I don't want to be offputting to my landlords about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am fairly handy and enjoy building things. I'm finding myself immensely enjoying woodworking and construction, and have spent a lot of time reading about techniques, best practices, etc. I consider myself to at least be competent at this point. I'd like to continue to increase my handyman skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in a house which I rent directly from a couple who owns it. I love the area, the yardspace provided, and the house has a tremendous amount of potential. I haven't been here long but we are on good terms and I always pay rent before the due date. With their permission I've put up some non-permanent structures (chicken coop, fence, gardens) and I'm proud of my work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Current Situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The steps to the back yard are starting to seriously fall apart and were clearly put together by someone with little knowledge or who didn't care to do a good job (tons of nails in random places, uneven cuts, random shims, things don't line up, etc). I'd feel confident I'd be able to remove them and instead build something which would look nice and last much longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many other things I'd change about the house if I were able. The cabinets are abhorrent. The bathroom linoleum looks like it was laid by a child and could only be described as garish. The baseboard is uneven and patchworked in many rooms, and non-existent in some places. Etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Proposal&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what I'd like to propose. They plan on moving into this house in 8-10 years. I'd like to rebuild the steps as a sort of &amp;quot;test run&amp;quot; project and hopefully make them feel comfortable with me eventually doing more work. They'd take the cost of materials out of my rent (I can provide itemized receipts). I'd work for free, get to learn more skills, and I enjoy the work. In exchange they'd be moving into a nicer house for much cheaper than it'd have cost a professional to do the work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this arrangement sounds very reasonable. I'd &lt;em&gt;love&lt;/em&gt; to do the work but I don't want to pay for materials I can't take with me upon moveout. They can even look at the non-permanent projects I've done to showcase that I'm not a sloppy worker and would do a nice job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Worries&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am only asking because I worry that if they say no, it will set a precedent for me never being able to do any sort of project with the house. Furthermore if they say no and send someone to work on it instead it'd be a huge hassle for me to have people working on the house while I'm occupying it and there's no guarantee they'll do a nicer job than whoever built the stairs initially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand why many landlords are apprehensive about this sort of thing since many tenants don't do their research and would likely do a poor/sloppy job. How can I present this and convince them that I'm not that kind of person and want to create something I'd be proud of?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Notes&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[I] Volunteered [to build the chicken coop and fence and other projects]. I wouldn't expect them to pay for my personal projects, just for the actual improvements to the house proper. I don't mind paying with my own money for the garden and other yard projects since I may take the raw materials with me upon moveout (unless they really want them and I'd probably sell them for a small fraction of what it cost me to build)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8630" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-16T16:47:51.143" Title="How should I present the idea of doing repairs and minor renovations to my landlord?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;negotiation&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16094" CreationDate="2018-07-07T23:25:52.293" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you found out that when this person makes promises, or agrees to do something, these promises or agreements mean nothing. It's actually worse, not only does the person break promises or agreements, but doesn't make the slightest effort to reduce the negative consequences for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can do: If this person makes promises or agrees to something in the future, you expect them to break their promises, and you prepare not to lose out in this situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: You hate going to the movies on your own, but it doesn't make much difference if you are in a group of four or five. So if four people are going, you can invite this person. If you are going on your own, you don't. Or you do and collect the money for the ticket beforehand, so if the promise is broken, you are at the movies on your own, but with plenty of money for drinks and popcorn provided by your unreliable friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-07-07T23:25:52.293" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16259" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16288" CreationDate="2018-07-08T07:28:04.327" Score="3" ViewCount="1058" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been working at my job for over a year now and I have some minor but extremely annoying interpersonal issues with my boss. He's British and I'm Canadian but we are living in Ireland. I'm a software developer. I think it comes down to having different temperaments and lifestyles. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I am 28 weeks pregnant. During this pregnancy I have been really struggling with sleep disturbances. I tend to wake up at 2AM or 4AM and cannot get back to sleep. I am also a little overweight so the extra weight is really wearing on me now. I'm also hormonal and more irritable than usual and a little stressed about this big life-changing event that will happen in 12 weeks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boss likes to do some 'niceties' before diving into talking about work. I don't really enjoy this because I have to lie to him to have a smooth conversation. For example, he asks me how I am. I tell him the truth: I am struggling or I am really tired. He doesn't respond well to this or he said things that I consider to be kind of sexist such as 'oh, it's normally not a problem.' A man telling a woman how pregnancy normally feels doesn't sit well with me or else he doesn't like to hear that I am tired etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to lie to him to get through these conversations. If I say 'fine/good, how are you?' it gets this conversation over with but it's incredibly boring and repetitive to have to do this everyday for 5 days a week. I'd rather just jump into saying stuff like 'hey, did you see that email?' or 'hey, did you see that new ticket? What's the priority for the day?'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also get sick of the routine of a 9-5 job + 1hr 15 mins commute at times and I'm not always thrilled about coming into work but I don't hate my job. My boss has repeatedly said that his children drive him insane and he'd rather be at work than at home. I don't always find my work to be interesting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other people don't seem to have an issue with me being honest about being tired. Do you have any suggestions about this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3833" LastEditorUserId="4177" LastEditDate="2018-10-23T06:41:21.643" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T02:22:41.950" Title="Work supervisor expects platitudes in response to his pleasantries, even when I'm miserable" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16260" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16262" CreationDate="2018-07-08T09:16:05.927" Score="2" ViewCount="457" Body="&lt;p&gt;I moved to Germany about six months ago to take on a new job. Being new here, I've been trying to socialise and build up some new friendships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A recurring pattern when I attempt to join in a conversation at social events, is that I'm frequently ignored. Usually, there is a glance or nod in my direction, and the conversation carries on without me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I attempt to initiate a conversation with a stranger I usually get curt one-word responses. Sometimes they look away or give a forced smile and move away. When I attempt to sit with someone the vacant seat is invariably taken already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very often I see this behaviour with women, both locals and fellow expatriates. Being frequently rebuffed like this in social settings is bewildering, frustrating and at times depressing. I'm a middle-aged male with a non-threatening physique. I maintain good hygiene and dress and act to blend in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most interactions with women I don't feel any romantic interest. I never make offensive jokes or controversial comments. Language is not an issue since these interactions are in English, which I'm quite fluent in. So my questions are,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What could be the reasons for the negative feedback when I try to initiate or join conversations?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way of dealing with these rejections without retreating into my shell?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user10436" LastEditorDisplayName="user10436" LastEditDate="2018-07-08T10:14:46.253" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T12:14:35.790" Title="Frequently rebuffed when trying to initiate or join a conversation" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;gender&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-07-08T12:01:53.800" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16260" CreationDate="2018-07-08T12:14:35.790" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a german myself, I find this behavior quite typical for germans. The reasons can be various and your origin can have an impact on interactions. You could edit your question and state your country of origin to make it easier to answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Language barrier&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every student in germany has at least 5 years of english lessons (if I'm not mistaken). In general that's enough to understand written english, but still many feel uncomfortable or unable to hold a conversation in english. This depends partly on the age (the older the person, the less likely they speak english) and on the job. Many people just don't need english in their everyday life and therefore cannot hold a conversation in english even if they wanted to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Typical interactions with strangers&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Germans are kind of reclusive... They interact a lot with friends, but as little as possible with strangers. Of course, there are exceptions like people talking to their random neighbor in public transport, but the talked-to neighbor generally feels very uncomfortable in such a situation. They either don't respond at all or deliver some one word replies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Forest Gump was a german, he would have rotted on the park bench because no-one would have talked to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Strangers vs. not strangers&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are part of a group like &quot;employees of company X&quot; or &quot;fan of local football team Y&quot; you should find it easier to talk to other members than with complete strangers. You can build on an obscure feeling of &quot;&lt;strong&gt;we&lt;/strong&gt; are similar&quot;, in contrast to &quot;&lt;strong&gt;they&lt;/strong&gt; are different&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Xenophobia&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As sorry as I am to mention this, but xenophobia is becomming an increasing problem, not only in germany. If you look like someone from the Middle East, many people think &quot;terrorist&quot;. If you look like someone from Africa, many women think &quot;rapist&quot;. It doesn't matter that these things have nothing to do with you or where you come from. If you look too different from the &quot;typical&quot; german, you have an additional barrier to overcome before being friends with someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Joining conversations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The nod in your direction is meant to tell you &quot;hello, I acknowledge your presence, you are welcome here&quot; without disrupting the conversation. After that, you have to join on your own. It's rather unusual to stop a conversation and focus on a newcomer just to give them a chance to speak. If you want to say something, just do so when there is a small gap in the conversation. Please do not talk over somebody else. There are people who do that, but it's generally considered rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to build friendships&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's quite difficult, if not impossible, to build a friendship with a complete stranger (I'm sure this is true not only in germany). Your best starting point are your colleagues, since you are already part of their group. Starting from there, they might introduce you to their friends that don't work at the same company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility are social networks. Maybe you can find facebook groups of social associations or clubs where you live. www.nebenan.de is one of several social networks dedicated to connect people in a neighborhood. You could publicly look for someone teaching you german or something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also try volunteering in facilities like animal shelters and take part in dog walking or something like that. Some people find new friends in fitness clubs, joining an orchestra or choir or just going out and drinking a beer at a bar. Whatever you choose, make sure to attend regularily (once a week is enough, but attend at the same day every week), so the regulars get to know you and recognize you as &quot;one of them&quot;. In time you can join conversations with them and get to know them better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T12:14:35.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16264" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-08T19:01:34.043" Score="-2" ViewCount="643" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend (Filipina) is (like almost all Filipinos) an intensive user of social media. Means: Lot of activity and almost 3k &quot;friends&quot;. It's okay. People are different and that's nothing to complain about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually we are 6.5k miles apart. On December we will be together without any distance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The lady is 24 (I'm 29). And of course, it's normal, that people have a past. I have a past, you have a past. So far so good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before we met each other she was a flirty type of girl. Means, she talked to a lot of guys, who also left some (flirty) comments (Different type of guys. Also elder guys). It was before me. So usually nothing that should bother me. But. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe I'm different. I deleted all &quot;traces&quot; of my past. It is past for a reason. And I don't want her to feel bad. And I think that's my point. I know it was before me, but it's kinda killing me to see these comments. And to imagine how her life would be when we wouldn't have met each other. Yes, it sounds strange. And sometimes I try to give some &quot;hints&quot;. I never told her directly that it's killing me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would never forbid her things. I don't have the right to do so and she's loyal. That's nothing I should worry about. I don't care about social media and I only use the messenger to text her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is just a strange feeling to see &quot;so much past&quot;. I mean you almost &quot;reconstruct&quot; her entire life. And that's not only dangerous. It also gives me the feeling, that the past is not completely past. The &quot;addiction&quot; to collect (female) friends is one thing. (I can't understand it, but that's her thing :D) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question: How would you deal with that? Talking to her? More or less directly? Ignoring it?&lt;/strong&gt; I don't know if it's a kind of jealousy, but I don't like the feeling. Maybe I'm overreacting or too sensitive, that's why I'd like to hear other opinions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know. It's &quot;just&quot; social media. But actually it's a part of the relationship, it's our way to communicate. It will be over in a few months. Nevertheless it's something that affects my mood. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19539" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-08T20:30:31.593" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T21:01:06.423" Title="How to handle girlfriends past / social media usage?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-07-09T01:33:03.950" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16265" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-08T20:01:35.993" Score="59" ViewCount="17403" Body="&lt;p&gt;My husband and I work from home and share a work office. We have so for 5 years. We also have a new 7-week-old baby girl. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prior to her birth, we used to ask each other how work was going all the time: &quot;what are you up to?&quot; I'd ask, or &quot;are you working?&quot; I didn't ask because I want to monitor if he's working a lot, but because I want to know if it's safe to disturb him or even just find out about his day. These were always received fine when no defense at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now our little girl is here and there's a lot more pressure for him to work (since I'm not working yet) and because we all are currently still in survival mode where there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. These same questions have become dangerous to ask. He becomes defensive and feels like I'm judging him by not working enough or because he's taking a break when he should be helping out with our daughter.  These aren't my intentions at all, but the situation is much more difficult and stressful now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, this happens to me too. It's very easy to feel judged, because I do things differently - maybe he thinks I leave her a bit too long undressed before her bath and I feel judged and defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suddenly it feels like we are behaving as enemies instead of as friends in some aspects and are suspicious of each others' behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to be able to talk to my husband without him becoming defensive and thinking I'm an enemy - or even just minimizing my chances of him feeling this way. I want to talk to him about his actions just to find out about his day again without it being bad. How do I ask him about his actions without him becoming defensive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6818" LastEditorUserId="4177" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T21:13:03.537" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T22:03:52.250" Title="How can I ask my husband about his work progress without him becoming defensive?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16253" CreationDate="2018-07-08T20:37:10.393" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: Take it slow, do just the stairs for now, and be gentle, honest and confident, and do your best work, and tell them every detail you can about what you can and will do (as long as they say yes).&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem the kind of guy that covers all his bases, and makes sure that your integrity carries through, as best as you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would approach them when they are in a good mood, maybe after an activity together. If you are able to take them to the stairs, and make a small note of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;These stairs seem to be in need of repair&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I can do X, Y, and Z easily, to get that done in good time&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Elaborate on how you are &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; critical of the quality of your work, show them what you did for your previous projects that make them a cut above the rest, how sturdy they are, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another good suggestion is to add an estimate of the cost required to cover it. It's a good idea to give them an idea of how your workload is reasonable for the price you give for materials and labor and expertise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they look at it and shrug, then you might not want to push it further. However, from what you've told us, they seem open-minded and know that you do well in carpentry, evidenced by your previous projects (fence, chicken coop, etc), and they appreciate your honesty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approach them with a gentle and confident attitude with a pre-planned blueprint or some list of what you will use, I don't see how open-minded folks with previous evidence of your good works could say no, and it would be a good idea to get a plan in writing and signed by your landlords, before moving forward with it, so that you both are on the same page.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you need to mention repairing the rest of the house, right now. Focus on the stairs and see what they think of that small project, and if they approve and like your work, that opens doors for more projects around the house that they'd be willing to let you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In addition to that, any mistakes you may make &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; be corrected by a professional, and you may be able to help them evaluate their (professionals)&#xA;work. Just be sure that the landlords are clear (in writing, preferably) on that you are not a professional, and that you may not know how deep you might be getting yourself into their repairs, in case anything happens that you can't predict&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T03:59:04.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16265" CreationDate="2018-07-08T20:37:46.443" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;I really understand and know how he feels, and it's really something that you two should communicate about. I'll try to suggest some options that would do for me (where I'm in the place of the husband).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If those options don't feel right to you, or you want more options - I warmly suggest to ask him for an example of how you can approach him for a certain reason in a certain time, where you emphasize it's not from a judgmental place, but from a loving and caring place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Some options&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it going well?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you satisfied with your progress?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I take a moment of your time? If it's not a good time, tell me when you're less busy/concentrated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let me know when you can/want to take a little break, so we could be together and maybe talk a bit&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can suggest that he takes a little break or offer something, if you want to know if he's working and very busy, or how it's going:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see you work a lot, why won't you take yourself a moment to relax?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I suggest you something to motivate/cheer you up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you ask questions about what he's doing (&quot;what are you up to?&quot;) and especially if he's working (&quot;are you working?&quot;), combined with the feeling he has that you feel that he's not doing enough, it will rarely not be understood as &quot;pushing&quot; or criticizing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a case where you don't know how he feels about it, and maybe it's just something going over him that he hasn't shared yet, then it's a bit harder to understand and to know what to say, but also solvable with a talk about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you know that it's a hard time for you two, and that he clearly needs to work a lot, it's easy and kind of the default (from my experience) to get offended from things that may imply that he's not working hard enough or that he's being criticized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for conclusion - try to approach the questions from a different way, which will not ask him what he does in the same old way. And try to clear it up with him that you don't mean to give him the feeling you're criticizing him, because you're not. If it's going well, ask him how he would like to be approached, and try to go with it - but note that he might be wrong about himself, that happens, so maybe there will be a need for more tries with different phrases/questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And congrats for the baby!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13736" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T16:32:43.170" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T16:32:43.170" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16264" CreationDate="2018-07-08T21:01:06.423" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You answered your own question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would never forbid her things. I don't have the right to do so and&#xA;  she's loyal. That's nothing I should worry about. I don't care about&#xA;  social media and I only use the messenger to text her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Deal with your own insecurity instead of attempting to place any onus on another individual. No matter what the other person does or does not do, only you have control over your own emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nevertheless it's something that affects my mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful. The concept of mood being contagious is not foreign to eastern culture and philosophy. You could easily allow your own emotional insecurity to affect your&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;girlfriend&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;mood&quot;, which could be disastrous; as no woman, no matter their cultural heritage, actively seeks to be involved with an emotionally insecure man, except to dominate that man. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get a hold of yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your &quot;girlfriend&quot; is truly &quot;loyal&quot; and you &quot;don't care about social media&quot; then you are alright. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, on the other hand, you actually want to control the activities of another individual, you cannot escape the grief that you are creating for yourself, as that is a full time and highly volatile job; ask any pimp. Your issue does not sound like a problem a pimp would have, but rather, a trick. Don't be a trick. Or trick yourself into thinking you can control a grown woman. You can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignoring it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. That is a reasonable decision to make. Before you drive yourself crazy with unwarranted jealously. You do not own your &quot;girlfriend&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9673" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T21:01:06.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16269" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16265" CreationDate="2018-07-08T21:01:53.237" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a simple reality, children change everything.&#xA;It is like being single, and when things get too much you can walk away, except with kids, you are tired, overwhelmed and there is always more to do than one has time, and nothing is how you would like it, and your buttons are being pushed in ways you never thought those buttons existed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because this is new you need to explore and establish how each other work in this new framework.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some guys find these changes too much, or need more time, or have to establish how they can help and what they can give and not give.  Outside support from parents, friends etc also changes, as well as money, expectations, holidays, food times, leisure times, even what your partner actually wants to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I suggest looking for the positive, things that work, things that go well and you both are discovering.  This change in life is going from being a child of ones family, to becoming the parent with responsibilities and choices, which suck.  It can be hard to say it sucks.  Me and my wife with our hyper active first kid, got so tired, we would fall asleep, and then debate who was going to get up and do the next thing.  It can be fun, like all growing experiences, it also shows who you really are.  What matters is doing it together, and letting each share as they choose, at the right time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-07-08T21:01:53.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16265" CreationDate="2018-07-09T04:05:12.003" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Qualify it&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you ask what you want to ask directly point out what he might get defensive about and defuse it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not asking this because I think you're not working enough...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What I'm about to ask is not meant to insinuate that I think you should be helping out with our daughter...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could then continue with your purpose of what you want to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...I just want to know if it's safe to disturb you...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...I just want to see how your day is going....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then what you want to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are you up to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you in the middle of something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Qualifying what you want to ask does a good job of clearing the air and defusing defensiveness because you've already stated what your intentions are and aren't. This works especially well with things that people are easy to be sensitive about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="461" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T04:05:12.003" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16139" CreationDate="2018-07-09T04:28:29.670" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Responding to Inappropriate Comments&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Your body looks great in that dress/top/etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say: &quot;I'm sorry, my body?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Act as if you are sure there's some innocent meaning in there, but you're having trouble figuring that out. Look them right in the eyes, then as you say &quot;I'm sorry,&quot; pull your head back a bit almost imperceptibly as if taken aback. Then, as you raise your eyebrows and turn your head slightly to the side, say the second part. You speak without challenge or any negative attitude, with no internal feeling of having a chip on your shoulder. Keep in mind that the situation is your opponent, not the person. Speak in a confident, not annoyed, not angry, calm tone, perhaps more of a skeptical, questioning, puzzled one. Whatever you get back, pick one to three words from their reply and say &quot;I'm sorry, x y z?&quot;. The words you pick should be ones that when dug into, are spoken aloud, and they are forced to think about having said, will embarrass the dickens out of them. Try not to pick words that indicate great interest in them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or say: &quot;I'm sorry, how am I supposed to take this?&quot; Your meaning is &quot;please explain to me what meaning you intend me to take from this.&quot; Whatever he says, just keep saying &quot;I'm sorry, you are just giving me a compliment?&quot; or maybe &quot;I'm sorry, you're giving me a compliment about my body?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(None of these movement instructions are hard and fast. Do it in your own way. Your body motions are less to convince him than to convince yourself that you really mean it. Your raised eyebrows help you feel that mild surprise instead of anger. And so on.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are using a form of active listening that also borders on meta-modeling. It is slightly less hostile than blatant meta-modeling, and does a better job of keeping the person talking, but has many of the same benefits of forcing him to think about what he has just said and giving him the opportunity to realize how stupid and offensive he sounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'd take you for dinner and a show if I didn't have to worry about my wife finding out&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say &quot;I'm sorry, your wife?&quot; like the fact he has a wife is of greatly amazing interest to you (as it should be to him, stopping him from saying these kinds of things to you). Or &quot;I'm sorry, dinner and a show?!?&quot; with a little bit of an incredulous tone, like you are seriously not sure how he could be saying what he's saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wife is a good one. Keep digging into the person's wife. Get him talking all about her. Soon he will find that he has spilled so much about his dysfunctional relationship with his wife that he won't have much steam left for suggesting he's hot stuff to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional Strategies&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also try some of the following things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How am I supposed to be comfortable working here if you keep saying these things?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How are we supposed to have a professional relationship if you keep saying overly personal things like this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How am I supposed to get any work done when you keep interrupting me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;What kind of relationship are you imagining with someone who has only professional goals in mind at work?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You have made a very tempting offer for someone looking to date an older married man at work, but, how am I supposed to respond positively when I already have a boyfriend my age outside of work?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever he says, you don't get ruffled. You don't become afraid you've blown it. You don't answer any of his questions. You don't roll with his suggestions or explain yourself. You just keep reflecting back to him, over and over. &quot;I'm sorry, but ...&quot; and &quot;How/What&quot; questions. Make sure the how/what questions are open-ended. Don't ask questions that have possible-single-word answers that can be &quot;yes&quot; or &quot;no&quot; or &quot;tomorrow.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Also, Important&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he starts talking, let him. Don't say more than you need to. You say the 2 or 3 words, or you say the variant of &quot;How am I supposed to x&quot;, and then you be quiet and let him talk. Don't answer questions immediately. Look at him for the count of 5 before talking. Make him squirm by looking directly at him without him having a hint of what you're thinking. His thoughts will turn to himself and he'll become very uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal is to either get the person to shut up or to get him to say something so incredibly over the top that it's absolutely clear harassment that you will immediately take to HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might shut up because he starts thinking about your situation and how exactly you are supposed to respond to the crass and inappropriate comments like he is making. He might shut up when he realizes that you truly aren't interested, you have a mind, you are firm and know what you want, and you handle the situation coolly and calmly, and he has no chance. He might shut up because he gets embarrassed about having discussed his wife so much with the person he's trying to hit on. He might shut up because he realizes he's crossed a big line and is afraid he'll get in trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practice it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Practice this with a friend until you have it down cold. Make the friend come up and harass you, and you use these techniques. If you're struggling or feel like it's not realistic enough, have a friend get one of &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; friends that you don't know to &quot;pull a prank&quot; on you, and in a safe public place come up and harass you in exactly one of these ways. Your friend tells the friendly pranker to try to get you to go out with him, and he has to pretend to be your coworker. But the pranker is told to give up if you do a good job or after 2 minutes (say). You get the idea—the confidence and calmness that you learn is the most important part. Your practice gains you that confidence because it's not new and threatening any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Source&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you would greatly benefit from the book &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/1847941494&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It&lt;/a&gt; by Chris Voss, which I got most of these ideas from. It is by a former FBI hostage negotiator who learned these strategies and others which would undoubtedly be of use to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the author says in the book, a hostage negotiator has to get all of the hostages out alive, has to pay little or nothing on the ransom demands, and has to get the hostage-taker to feel like the negotiator is a friend and like him, and give himself up. Given that strategies to actually accomplish this in the majority of the situations exist, and actually work, I'm sure you can imagine how having a direct line on those techniques and using them on your inappropriate coworkers could work wonders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastEditorUserId="2568" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T17:38:52.110" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T17:38:52.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16276" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16282" CreationDate="2018-07-09T09:08:55.627" Score="40" ViewCount="15945" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a tourist hotspot in japan, in particular a place where people often go when travelling solo. This means that when people I know (even just passing acquaintances) come here, they often ask me to show them around (in particular, good places to eat). This is fine by me, I'm a reasonably social person and enjoy catching up with old friends/acquaintances. If they're a guy, I usually just say, &quot;Yeah bro, I know some great local places to show you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But things get awkward when the person coming is a girl. At least where I'm from, having dinner alone with someone of the opposite sex usually has some romantic or sexual connotation. I don't want to lead anyone on and have anyone think there is any such connotation to the dinner. I also have a girlfriend, who is understandably not too happy about me going on 'dinner dates' with other girls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in this situation with a couple of girls in the past. The last time it happened was with an acquaintance I met a couple of years ago in university - for the sake of the question, I ask about this instance. She is Scandinavian (Norwegian if I recall correctly), and I am from the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried inviting my girlfriend to come and eat with us, but she's a bit of a shut-in and doesn't like the socialization. The requests usually come out of the blue, so I don't have time to work my relationship status into the conversation naturally. Finally, the girl hasn't said anything explicitly indicating a romantic or sexual connotation so a blunt 'sorry, I have a girlfriend' would be very presumptuous IMO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way to tactfully remove any subtext from this situation? If it comes to it, I'm fine with not taking them anywhere (although I do enjoy these nights out, so I would prefer to go if possible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18459" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T12:20:56.657" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T17:02:12.443" Title="How to have dinner without romance involved" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16265" CreationDate="2018-07-09T10:07:25.560" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to the other answers - how you say it, is as important as what you say.  You might not notice the stress in your voice, but he might hear it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Standing in the doorway and saying &quot;Are you working&quot;;  a hug from behind and a whisper in the ear &quot;Are you working&quot;; and shouting up the stairs the same quote are 3 very different things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking the 3rd as an example - shouting up a phrase as innocent as even &quot;would you like a tea&quot; - which seems like it could only be a loving thing, means to reply he has to break his train of thought, unmangle the words said because they're not clear, and shout back a reply.  If he's stressed - it's not going to help matters.  I'm not saying you ARE doing that; but I'm highlighting how something that is clearly intended to be helpful can still increase tensions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've not made any comment about how you're saying these; which means maybe you're not thinking about how you're saying it.  I'd have a think if there's a way you can say it so there's no confusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2353" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T10:07:25.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16276" CreationDate="2018-07-09T10:24:10.707" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest you set a time limit. Let’s say you go to the restaurant at 8pm, simply state:&#xA;“I have to leave at 9.30pm because my girlfriend and I are going to watch a movie.” This achieves several things: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You mention your girlfriend and that your activities are important to you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You set boundaries by limiting it to the restaurant visit only.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally you should not pay for her, or pick a restaurant which has a romantic touch. In my opinion visiting a restaurant together is totally fine as friends, especially if there is a practical reason for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to decline, I would not mention your girlfriend forbidding it, because this might lead to negative feelings from your friend’s side towards your girlfriend. “Just because of your girlfriend I have to eat alone.” I would say something like: “I do not want to go to a restaurant together, because this is something I(!) want to do only with my girlfriend.” This means you take the responsibility, which someone should do on these situations (my opinion). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11838" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T10:24:10.707" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16265" CreationDate="2018-07-09T11:01:17.380" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a work-from-home CEO with 3 small children, so I completely sympathise with you guys! I agree with the comments @arieljannai made already. I just want to add this suggestion: start with coffee, or whatever he usually drinks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife will come in with a coffee and a hug, and when she asks &quot;how's it going&quot;, or &quot;how're you doing&quot;, I'm much more relaxed about it, since it's clearly a loving, affectionate gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contrast that with the fact that I can get very defensive if my wife comes into the office in a mood (or what I perceive to be a moody manner) because I'm &quot;&lt;em&gt;in the zone&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and I feel it completely drains my productivity instantly. I understand that she's probably just tired, and her intention is not to be moody, but it still has that draining effect on my work. She has realised this, and we had a talk about it; we've since agreed that I will take small breaks in the day to help her out, just 10 minutes here and there so she gets a break. The rest of the time I will tell her in advance that I need 2 hours uninterrupted, or whatever it is, and I will &lt;strong&gt;close the door&lt;/strong&gt; to concentrate. Other times when nothing was agreed, she will come in with a coffee, or a snack or such, and we'll just have a 5-minute catch up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's never going to be perfect, as in any office situation, but it can be better! You've also got to agree to keep short accounts with each other; don't hold on to brief frustrations, life is too short and it's just not worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope that helps, it's certainly been useful in my own work situation. All the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4215" LastEditorUserId="4215" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T18:28:04.327" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T18:28:04.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16276" CreationDate="2018-07-09T11:37:24.020" Score="119" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The requests usually come out of the blue, so I don't have time to&#xA;  work my relationship status into the conversation naturally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's wrong with saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sounds great. I know a few great places like X, Y and Z. I'll ask my&#xA;  girlfriend if she wants to join as well.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or something along those lines?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me it seems perfectly reasonable to ask my SO if they want to join in such an activity, just as it seems absolutely natural to inform the acquaintance of this. The acquaintance in question does not need to know that I can already somewhat safely assume that my SO will decline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for avoiding causing my SO any discomfort, I would straightup ask them if there is anything I could do to make it less uncomfortable to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;QEDemonstrandum wrote in their answer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;simply state: “I have to leave at 9.30pm because my girlfriend and I&#xA;  are going to watch a movie.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like lies, but  why not make it true?&#xA;There's nothing wrong in agreeing with my SO on some activity later that evening. Not only can this serve as an explicitly set time boundary, it also shows my SO that spending time with them takes precedence over spending time with any other person (I am shortening the time with my acquaintance in favour of time spent with my SO, after all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17002" LastEditorUserId="17002" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T14:20:20.663" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T14:20:20.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16276" CreationDate="2018-07-09T12:19:07.383" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just keep it simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&gt; Hi, would you like to show me a local restaurant?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &amp;lt; Sure, just let me check with my partner to see which dates are available&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other person is now aware of your partner, but you still show interest in showing a restaurant. This aproach is probably something that you're doing anyway (otherwise you should, this could fix the 'issue' yout SO has too, because she is explicitly kept in the loop).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other issue is that your girlfriend is &quot;not too happy&quot; about this. You have to make sure it's clear that this is no different from going to these restaurant with a guy. You could take her sometimes to 'keep the balance', or offer some other date night, however you both like it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Inviting her to join is a good way for her to keep some control on the situation, if she decides she wants to stay hope that is her choice, but you're showing you're not excluding her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="5504" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T12:59:15.720" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T12:59:15.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16226" CreationDate="2018-07-09T12:43:57.987" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in this exact situation and it all panned out great in the end. Basically when my wife and I started dating she smoked, which I hated with a passion, quiet often. I have family members who had died due to smoking which triggered my hatred towards smoking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After explaining this to her, she understood and actually took steps to quit smoking purely for me. On a holiday we both went on together, she made the effort to only smoke while I wasn't around, she would go find somewhere out of 'smelling distance' and always wash her hands etc to make sure I didn't get whiff of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end she quit smoking all together and we're now married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to be completely honest about why you'd like to find out those details and what kind of comprise you can come to, hopefully she'll understand your reasons. Good luck to you, it can work out great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19550" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T12:43:57.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16276" CreationDate="2018-07-09T13:47:34.280" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question is just about confidence and security.&#xA;If you are confident in your commitments, having dinner with anyone has no other issues other than in their head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people are very bad at intimacy, friendship, getting along well with others.  And if you get to know people, yes they may flirt, share things about their problems and want support etc.  But this is very different from actually getting involved or it being &quot;meaningful&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you realise, there is no other field across the way, just the issues you have today, and working through the compromises, there is no threat or problem helping and being friendly to others who you get along with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when you show where you are, and how settled you are, anyone playing dreams or possibilities quickly close down, because there is no point.  What many do not see is compliments and seeing peoples strengths when things are out in the open is very enlivening and enjoyable, because there is not fear here or risk, just sharing life experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T13:47:34.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16242" CreationDate="2018-07-09T13:53:28.850" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Eh. &lt;strong&gt;I would just do it yourself&lt;/strong&gt;. Hate to be blunt but, in my experience, especially when you are not paying people (even more so with younger kids), &lt;strong&gt;if they don’t have the motivation from the start then they never will.&lt;/strong&gt; You will most likely have the most motivation out of the entire group.  Additionally, since these are high school kids, they most likely &lt;strong&gt;have other commitments&lt;/strong&gt; whether it is sports to social events to school. &lt;strong&gt;They will probably prioritize that over your project.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in high school also :) and a programmer (check my profile. I want to go into cyber security, I digress...) &lt;strong&gt;I have learned from a very young age that if I want something done I have to do it.&lt;/strong&gt; Hence why I have created my own, games, websites, programs, server, etc. all self-taught &lt;strong&gt;on my own&lt;/strong&gt; (&lt;strong&gt;not bragging&lt;/strong&gt; just try to encourage and motivate). Self-teaching also really helps with self-reliance.  &lt;strong&gt;Not to say you shouldn’t ask for help...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need help that’s fine to ask. And I encourage you to do so. But! I have found &lt;strong&gt;asking for specific things&lt;/strong&gt; (“Yo Bob, I need some help with creating the Empire State Building in Photoshop Can you help?” ) instead of getting a “team” together (“ok team let’s make a game centered around New York. Bob, you work on making buildings.”) works much better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also if you are like most programmers, you code in blocks of time (4-6-8 hours+). And since your motivated you will probably end up getting things done very quickly. Unmotivated people, will not be able to keep up. &lt;strong&gt;They will slow you down.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I am not saying this as fact, this is all from personal experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19515" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T14:03:49.393" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T14:03:49.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16287" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16301" CreationDate="2018-07-09T13:56:02.590" Score="3" ViewCount="1446" Body="&lt;p&gt;I frequently go over to my friend's house on the weekends to work on projects. We usually meet up in the morning then work until lunch before we go our separate ways. My friend still lives with his parents who, while are nice, tend to be overly courteous. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of this, often when I'm about to leave, they insist I stay for lunch. While I do find the food to be good, there are often times I do not wish to stay for lunch. On one such occasion, I had made lunch plans with my significant other, and upon telling them this, they still insisted I eat lunch at their house. I was still going to be at their house for another hour to complete some work, so I wasn't sure how to decline this invitation. I ended up eating lunch there, then had to skip eating at my lunch date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was another occasion when I had a large breakfast, and by the time I arrived to my friend's house, much of his family has not eaten anything for the day. They invited me for breakfast and I told them I had a large breakfast and was not hungry. Despite this, they still insisted, and I had to force myself to eat a second breakfast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are times when I do not have lunch plans and very much enjoy eating there, but I also do not want to be expected to eat there every time I'm invited to. How can I decline having to eat there without coming as rude or making it sound like I'm not interested in an invitation in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: The location is in the US. The family itself come from a Pakistani culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9369" LastEditorUserId="9369" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T14:19:06.380" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T16:29:05.667" Title="How do I politely decline a lunch invitation from a friend's family?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16259" CreationDate="2018-07-09T13:57:05.357" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You sound like a good analytical person. Your supervisor is asking how you are, to be polite. They are asking you in effect, are you coping with the level of work and problems you are facing today?  They are not actually asking how you are or to have a heart-to-heart about where your life is going.  So though you may say fine and there are feeling issues etc. unless they affect your work, they are not relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I managed a developer who was pregnant, who did not want to say she might faint, because as a contractor she thought that would not look good.  In this case she needed to tell her colleagues, because we needed to know this might happen, and then we could do something about it.  So there are exceptions to knowing how things are going, but it is a personal thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your supervisor does not cope well with dealing with you in your actual state, so all you need to do is push him away a bit, and give him the summary he needs, and leave it at that.  You will then get on fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T02:22:41.950" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T02:22:41.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16289" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16290" CreationDate="2018-07-09T14:23:43.393" Score="-1" ViewCount="644" Body="&lt;p&gt;We are beginning to live in a different world were gender is a more vague concept and self expression is everything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I meet people that appear very gender neutral and I do not always hear what their name is, or they do not tell me. By 'meet someone', I mean not in a formal setting, just in passing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is an appropriate way of finding out their gender? Is is socially acceptable to ask them straight out &quot;what gender do you identify as?&quot; or would this offend them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I know some people are asking: &quot;does this even matter?&quot; and to answer this, maybe it doesn't, however, I think in social settings it is nice to know what a person's gender is. It helps you to judge how to appropriately talk to them and interact with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7613" LastEditorUserId="7613" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T15:44:29.533" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T17:21:19.923" Title="How to ask about someone's gender?" Tags="&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="14" ClosedDate="2018-07-09T17:21:27.657" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16289" CreationDate="2018-07-09T14:38:45.957" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have multiple friends who have transitioned, as well as a non-binary partner.  Here's what I have seen cause the least amount of grief when they interact with people they do not know very well:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid phrases like &amp;quot;what is your gender&amp;quot;, as this can be off-putting for a number of reasons (person is transitioning, person is non-binary, person is questioning their gender identity, etc).  On top of this, asking &amp;quot;which gender&amp;quot; they are can make them immediately feel on guard and uncertain of why you are asking, which is why I'd suggest avoiding it if these are people you don't know very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, ask about which pronouns they prefer you use in reference to them.  Here are a few variations, whichever feels most comfortable to you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;What pronouns do you use?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;What are your pronouns?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;What pronouns do you go by?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pronouns will tell you a lot about how a person wants to identify (he/him = masculine, she/her = feminine, they/them = non-binary, etc.), and accomplishes the social goal of understanding how you can communicate about this person without causing any offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T16:32:36.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16226" CreationDate="2018-07-09T15:26:17.020" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a word:  Don't.   Don't date them.  No matter what anecdotes you may hear about people accommodating nonsmoking partners, the fact is that a smoker will always smell of smoke, and is unlikely to stick with &quot;no smoking inside&quot;-type rules, either out of laziness or severe addiction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The root problem here is that you appear to fear that losing this particular date may lose the &quot;person of your life.&quot;  Dating, and love, and partnership, just don't work that way.   There are thousands of people with whom you are fully compatible, so find nonsmokers at the get-go.   This is no different from, say, finding the right religion (where again, some couples manage to have a mixed marriage, but most fail, so why not start from any easy connection?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3445" LastEditorUserId="31" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T11:49:05.317" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T11:49:05.317" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16292" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16299" CreationDate="2018-07-09T15:56:48.943" Score="41" ViewCount="17533" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am a 21 year old female,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;House mates ages: Alice is 21, Beth is 20 and Katie is 19,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Obviously, the flatmates names have been changed to protect their anonymity&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We lived in a student apartment complex&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I lived with the same two girls for both first and second year of college - Alice and Beth - and in second year we also got a new roommate who was going into her first year of college - Katie. Everything was fine in first year between Alice, Beth and I but things started to change when Katie moved in. All of a sudden Alice and Beth were very cold towards me as was Katie, all of it for no apparent reason. I'm a very quiet, introverted person so it's not like I was having raves in our apartment or anything, the only people I had over occasionally were my boyfriend and a couple of friends on my course but I &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; made sure it was okay first. I'm also studying a very intensive course so I don't have much free time for having friends over, throwing parties or doing extra curricular things anyways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the year went on the behavior only got worse, it began with the three of them being very cold towards me, then small jobs not being done by any of them (taking out the trash, hoovering, mopping etc.) and this trend continued until the end of the year, by which point the following had occurred:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;my food was being stolen from the fridge/my press, including dinners that my family had made for me and brought with them on the rare occasions they came to visit,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was gifted two beautiful cream throws by my aunt for our couches and one of the girls burst a blue pen all over one of the throws and failed to own up to it or make any attempt to clean it up, when I asked about it they each blamed it another,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;all the cutlery I had brought with me had been taken - it was all in the drawer the week before we were due to move out and, surprise surprise, on moving day &lt;em&gt;it was gone&lt;/em&gt; - I asked them in the group chat we had and again individually to return it nicely because I didn't want to end the year on a bad/worse note, yet somehow none of them had it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the year I had with them I was under the impression that I wouldn't be living with them again for the coming academic year considering how everything went, but yesterday, Alice sent a message into the old group chat to inform the rest of us she had put down on her application that she wanted to live with us again next year. Beth and Katie also chimed in to say the same thing. I have yet to reply to their messages because I don't know how to say nicely that I'm not interested in living with them again due to last year and would prefer if they would remove me from their applications so I don't automatically get placed with them even if I don't request it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In essence, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don't know how to get out of this situation. From what I can tell, they can't see anything wrong with the way things were last year if they're all saying they've put me down on their applications for this year again. I want to get the reasons for me wanting to move out across to them but I don't know how to go about it. I'm a very quiet, non-confrontational person so I don't want this to blow up on me but I feel they need to know how I felt last year and that I do not want to live with any of them again this year. In short, my question is this: How do I make it clear to them I do not want to live with any of them next year? Any help at all would be &lt;em&gt;greatly&lt;/em&gt; appreciated, and if any more info is needed just let me know and I will edit accordingly! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19380" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T16:04:23.887" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T16:17:57.170" Title="How to get across to flatmates the reason behind not wanting to live with them again?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;college&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16265" CreationDate="2018-07-09T15:58:24.927" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You both need couple time away from your kid to reconnect emotionally.  Basically, before your daughter was born, all your time together was couple time.  Now &lt;em&gt;none&lt;/em&gt; of your time together is couple time; instead it's all parent time.  That's necessary to create your bond with your daughter, but you need to make some time for the bond between the two of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't necessarily mean going out on a date, although that's fun too.  I just mean some time to sit and talk to each other about how you're feeling.  When the kid is safely asleep (tough, I know) sit down together and talk.  It's just a chance to touch base with each other.  To disarm any defensiveness, try to be as open as you can be about your feelings - I'm feeling overwhelmed, tired, scared, etc. all the things new parents feel.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know for me and my wife, if we're in a situation where we can't connect like this, for example on a long vacation, our relationship suffers from exactly the kind of communication problems you describe.  But when we can both take a deep breath and start talking about where we're at, the connection strengthens and communication becomes easy again.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easy to take your relationship for granted when it's just the two of you.  When you're parents you're going to have to force yourself to make time for each other.  Because your time is now at a premium, you're also going to have to cut to the chase quicker, be more honest and open about your feelings, and more open to hearing the other's feelings without getting defensive than perhaps you've been used to.  It's all part of the maturity that parenthood forces on you whether you're ready for it or not.  It's tempting to think it's only the way things are phrased that's the problem, but it's really the emotional connection.  Handle that, and then you two can handle anything together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8614" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T15:58:24.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16276" CreationDate="2018-07-09T16:03:00.620" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple real solid answers already, going to add in a different angle I didn't see yet!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have several friends who work in the tourist industry, and my sister's husband is a pilot who travels a ton. It's not uncommon for these people to be hit on as some people look for that juicy vacation fling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have stated, suggesting places saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;OH man, I got to take you to this restaurant if you are looking for authentic local foods. My Girlfriend and I go there at least once a week for their Yakisoba noodles!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now they know you are with someone and anything they thought was implied with you offering to show them around will likely be removed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, not everyone feels comfortable talking about their private life even among friends. There have been several times I was hanging out with a female friend that I was curious to their relationship status. I never pressed for it and it sometimes took several months or even a year before an &quot;oh yea my boyfriend[...]&quot;. There was nothing they did to lead anything on, they were just an individual I found attractive and a ton of fun to be around. Some we grew apart eventually, others they are my best friend to this day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best way to handle the situation though would be to provide an activity list of things you could do. Recommend them with the inclusion that these are spots you and your Girlfriend frequent and leave it at that. Then as another commenter said, offer to take them around town with your Girlfriend. We all know she will say no, but they don't. Then when your Girlfriend doesn't show up, you just mention she was too tired but wanted me to help you out. That there shows that your Girlfriend trusts you and that your bonds are close that she would let you go out with a random female and any notion at this being a romantic thing should be the farthest from their mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally, many of us are also forgetting the actions and body signals you give off as well. We don't know how you interact with them that they could think it's romantic. Maybe you are a lot more flirty than you realize, or maybe the way you ask the questions with your vocal tones give off a vibe of elevated interest.  Thanks and good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T16:03:00.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16292" CreationDate="2018-07-09T16:05:19.143" Score="111" Body="&lt;p&gt;In short, don't bother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They know what happened. Going out of your way to rub it in and try to get something out of it is unrealistic. Even considering being polite after someone stole cutlery is more than would be deserved, in my opinion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You aren't exactly dealing with the most moral, responsible people, from the sounds of things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't bother with them. Send an email to the housing support for your University, or call them up, and explain the situation. Say that you're not interested in pursuing any action, but that you want to make sure you don't get roomed with them again. In my experience, the faculty at college are very helpful and willing to work with polite students.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the faculty is unwilling to help, send an email to your previous flatmates, telling them in as few words as possible to remove you from their preferences. If they refuse for whatever reason, your safest bet would be to try and find a 3rd party service that provides 'matchmaking' for flatmates in your college- there are usually options outside of the automated matcher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it can be hard to just 'let go' of situations where you feel like you have been wronged, but in this case, I think it would be easiest to just cut your losses and hopefully move on to greener pastures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3426" LastEditorUserId="19486" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T17:24:02.623" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T17:24:02.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16292" CreationDate="2018-07-09T16:12:57.263" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;How to get out of the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't ask them to take you off their application. Some have already turned it in. Instead, go to housing placement and request directly there to not be placed with them as you are aware that they have put in that request and you don't want that to be the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling your ex-roomies you don't want to live with them when the application is already in could result in them not bothering to change it, and then you'll end up being assigned to their room. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main problem with asking the roomies to take you off the application is that you are asking all 3 of them to take an action, and if only one of them doesn't...then you end up being in the more uncomfortable situation of having told them that you don't want to live with them, and being assigned to live with them afterwards...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And EVEN if they do take you off the application, whoever does the housing assignments might see that you were on there before, and just go ahead and put you on there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You've got to officially request not being put in with them.&lt;/strong&gt; Once you do that, then maybe, if you feel like it, you can have a chat with your former roommates about your perceptions of how it went. But that chat won't be for any reason other than personal satisfaction, not because you need them to do something that won't put you in the situation again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I wanted to add--some of these troubles might not be them. But they are still a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, I had food stolen for the first two weeks, but that was because my roommates left the door unlocked for any of their many friends to walk in. In fact, I was scolded for locking it because they didn't bring their keys. I made sure to keep my own door locked, and I had a talk with their football player friends about what was off-limits. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your food was either eaten by a) your roommates or b) your roommate's guests. Since none of them admitted it, and it's a fact that it happened constantly, either one of them is lying or they have terrible friends. Over chat it would go something like this: &quot;The first year everyone was a fine roommate, but this year--I don't know what's changed, but something obviously has. I've already put in a request to live with other people.&quot;&#xA;If they ask for details:&#xA;&quot;My food was constantly missing. None of you admit to it. Same thing goes for the ruined cream throw with ink all over it. Either one of you ruined it and you just don't have the courage to own up, or you had someone over who did. Same with my cutlery that went missing--either it was one of you, or someone y'all invited over. I don't need the stress of trying to figure it out. Somehow, all of you seem to think that I would want to live with y'all under those circumstances. I really can't fathom that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other option of course, is that someone you had over did these things. But you'll be familiar with time frame and all. Just...if there is someone that you have been bringing over that might have done all of these things, consider that, just a little. Especially if these issues follow you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastEditorUserId="16967" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T16:17:57.170" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T16:17:57.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16292" CreationDate="2018-07-09T16:16:38.720" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's clear you don't want to live with them again. If this is the decision you've made, they can't force you onto their lease. &lt;strong&gt;You have all the power in this situation.&lt;/strong&gt; Simply tell them you already have other living arrangements for next year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't even need to give them a reason. If they ask why, you can just say you already made plans and end the conversation. Again, you owe them no explanation, your choice of living is your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T16:50:07.167" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16292" CreationDate="2018-07-09T16:21:09.393" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't even really bother replying to them. That only opens the door for debate, and for them to argue their way into you agreeing to it reluctantly. As for the application, try talking to the housing department as you should be able to also avoid certain people. It's been a while since I lived in a dorm, but if I recall, my application also had a list of people to avoid.  Best bet would be to just let them go. They know what they did wrong and are probably looking to take advantage of it again (free food, free house items).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also possible they stole the utensils in hopes it gives you a reason to keep in contact with them. I had a friend of mine who had an ex that kept their textbooks on them and refused to give them back after they broke up so that they had a way to stay in contact with my friend. Eventually, she had enough and just told him to keep the books since the semester was done anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to sum it up, I would avoid replying, or if you absolutely feel the need to, just state how you found other living arrangements but thanks for offering you the chance to have the same roommates. Again, I advise against it as some people would take that as a chance to argue you into something you are reluctant to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do though is go to the school and blacklist them. Not being able to avoid roommate requests is a huge safety liability so the school has to have a way to keep people separate upon request (even if it's situationally based).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T16:21:09.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16292" CreationDate="2018-07-09T16:26:37.190" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have posted a collection of solutions that vary based on what you feel would be the best approach to the solution.  YMMV (Your mileage may vary), so take these with a grain of salt and change them based on the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Very Non-Confrontational Solution&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't bother telling them anything past&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I already have living plans for next year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't owe them any explanation based on how they treated you.  I would recommend following the point at the very bottom about contacting the school as well, just as a precaution, because there is the off chance that they might not take you seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Less Non-Confrontational Solution&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply suggest to the other three that you want to meet new people and live with others for the next year, and to remove you from their suggestions so that you can do that.  There is no need to go into detail about why you &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; don't want to if you don't want to talk about it.  As a non confrontational person myself, and needing to tell a friend who was going to the same university I didn't want to room with them (various issues which would be too long to go into), I used this.  It worked well and I had few questions from him during my time.  The downsides are that your old roommates will not actually know how poorly they treated you, and they might become upset and start asking you about your reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Confrontational Solution&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let them know that you had difficulties living with them and would like to live somewhere else next year.  It is inevitable that you will need to explain the difficulties in depth, so now would be the time to lay out your grievances.  If they truly want you to stay another year, they will give back the cutlery, admit to defacing the pillow, etc.  This will at least give you some closure to the problems you've had with them.  No matter how much they plead &lt;strong&gt;hold your ground&lt;/strong&gt;.  You've made your decision and you will stick with through hell or high water.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If the Other Solutions Don't Work&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Call the school and let them know about the three housemates and how they put you on their application.  Ask them to not place you with them and don't go into details about it.  This should be a &lt;em&gt;quiet, last ditch effort&lt;/em&gt; if they absolutely will not take you off their application.  This isn't an IPS answer per se but it might be the only thing that works, and the university should be accepting of this.  Be prepared to go into detail about the situation if needed, however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T18:51:06.967" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T18:51:06.967" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16287" CreationDate="2018-07-09T16:29:05.667" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, I find following phrases useful. You just have to tell the truth, more or less:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, thanks for the invitation, but I have lunch with my SO in an hour. Should probably save some space for it.&#xA;(Alternatively: I will be late for lunch with my SO, gotta go, sorry)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just had a big breakfast, but maybe I can ask for a quick cup of coffee before start working?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Work-related excuses should work too (since you probably want to start working right away)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have a lot of work to cover, it's better if I start right away. But can I ask for glass of water/juice/cup of coffee/tea?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, you have an ally (hopefully), that is your friend. Tell them that these invitations sometimes are uncomfortable but still welcome:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, Jane/Joe Doe, I really appreciate invitation, but I'd like to work / leave. Would it be OK if I go, it's really hard to resist your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;More general &amp;quot;solution&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt; From your post it seems that these people really like you, so maybe you want to schedule (again, talking to your friend) staying over for lunch, rather than let them decide. Take the initiative. For example, you can tell friend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really like your family, could I join you folks for lunch next week, I'll bring some stuff from my family cookbook?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way there will be no doubt that you like these people back, but some days are better than others for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T16:29:05.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16302" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-09T17:47:24.877" Score="1" ViewCount="1623" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other day I was talking to an acquaintance--someone I see often but haven't really talked to enough to consider a friend. While talking, this person would make self deprecating jokes about their weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not the skinniest person in the world, but I'm pretty skinny and this person is larger than I am. As such my normal response to self deprecating humor--making similar jokes back and playing along--felt like it would come off as insincere since clearly I'm not in the same situation as them. At the same time, trying to deny that their joke is accurate also would've felt hollow since I'm not very close to them and they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; clearly overweight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ended up laughing and saying something like &quot;yea, that sucks.&quot; But it felt empty and awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate the fact that they're trying to be comfortable with their body image enough to make jokes about it, but &lt;strong&gt;what should I focus on when responding to jokes like this to keep the conversation light and show my support for them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T13:14:35.417" Title="Responding to self deprecating jokes I can't relate to" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;self-esteem&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16276" CreationDate="2018-07-09T17:49:18.027" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say your girlfriend does not want to accompany you on these outings, but perhaps you could ask other friends of yours if they would like to join you?  Your local friends might really enjoy meeting people from abroad and showing them the local sights, and your guests from out of town would have the opportunity to get to know other locals.  And it would solve your main issue of dining alone with your guest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5134" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T17:49:18.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16302" CreationDate="2018-07-09T18:07:07.350" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I tend to make these jokes often myself. Usually, you mean them, even if it's a truth you managed to bury deep down inside. My favorite is usually stating &quot;Story of my life&quot; to something unfortunate or even random that fits the bill that happens. Everyone gets a good kick out of it and I get to feel sad down inside even if I am genuinely laughing about it (or maybe I have just become good at masking feelings).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately it's best to go with the flow of the conversation. If it's more for a cry of help, offer advice or offer to help them through it. If it's genuinely a joke (even if they mean it deep down) then laugh with them about it or turn it into a funny positive (but that would probably assume a deeper level of friendship).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had friends tell me they don't appreciate my self-deprecating jokes. While they mean well, it only ends up making me feel worse as usually, they are a coping mechanism that someone attempted to take away. Does it make me happy someone says for me not to say it? To some degree... but I would rather someone just laugh with me and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So ultimately, just go with the flow. If it really bothers you, let them know how it makes you uncomfortable and you aren't sure if you should laugh or offer advice. Otherwise, in your attempt to help them, as I mentioned in my experiences... you could end up just making things more awkward and painful for the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T22:26:12.663" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T22:26:12.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16305" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16245" CreationDate="2018-07-09T18:49:18.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;General advice, for your own sake, is to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Proceed as planned until proven otherwise&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no need to change your behavior if nothing changed except that you got promoted. For starters, you might not even know the whole story: maybe they got a salary bump or negotiated something else. Maybe they didn't want the job at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to concentrate on your job and being good at it. If they decide to bring it up, say &quot;Thank you&quot; and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T18:49:18.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16292" CreationDate="2018-07-09T20:54:00.123" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the good news.  You don't have to get anything across to them.  It's not your responsibility to make them see things your way.  All you have to do is say something like &quot;Sorry, but I'm not interested in having the same living arrangements as last year.  Omit me from your application&quot;  If they ask, you don't have to explain anything if you don't want to.  Just say &quot;this is what I want, it's what's best for me&quot;.  If you do want to tell them, state your case, (&quot;You guys take my food, wreck my stuff without apologizing, and stole my property&quot;) but if they try to make you feel like your reasons are bad, don't play the game of defending yourself.  You can break away from them for any reason you want, and they don't have to approve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bringing up their bad behavior openly might break the friendship, I'm afraid, but living with them damaging and taking your things isn't all that healthy for your friendship either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T20:54:00.123" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16302" CreationDate="2018-07-09T21:35:59.747" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a minefield.  There is no answer that is safe because the individual is baiting to express either their anger or their self pity.  Some big people are fine with their situation while others are depressed and frustrated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So putting it simply, changing the subject to something neutral is essential.  Anything that will basically buy time for a polite exit.  To do this, one can just make a quip, &quot;People say some flippant comments sometimes.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did you see how the company share price has gone?  I wonder where we are headed?&#xA;Those sales targets are going to be hard to get this year....  Hows your group doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T21:35:59.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16310" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-09T22:34:12.237" Score="5" ViewCount="652" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context:&lt;/strong&gt; My boyfriend uses a wheelchair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem:&lt;/strong&gt; The two of us have opposite preferences on how we want to manage our time together. I like having things planned and organized in advance. I constantly think about what we can do next, be it a trip, a night out or a date. My boyfriend does usually enjoy participating in the activities I plan for us, but quite often he gets tired of my having to plan everything in advance, because to some extent I need his involvement in the process. He himself often prefers to have no plans, i.e. to wake up and decide what to do next on a step-by-step basis. &#xA;A few examples of the conflicting situations:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When we wake up in the morning during weekend and have no plans for that day, I panic that we'll spend the whole day at home and I push him to make some plans to go out. However, for him the whole purpose of a Sunday morning is not having to think about what he should or will do. Either way one of us ends up disappointed and in a bad mood.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When I think of some activity that we agreed to do together, I like the regularity in it. I haven't managed to find a way to make such regular appointments with him, which I see as a lack of commitment on his part. On the other hand, he doesn't like having a fixed schedule and responds to my attempts as if I were limiting his freedom.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; How can I approach my partner about planning and organizing our time when it's something I enjoy and he finds tiring?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Not a solution:&lt;/strong&gt; I would like to remain in this relationship, also because I do value the differences between us as something I can learn from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; A few points of clarification in response to answers/comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When I ask him why he does not like to plan things, he tells me that from time to time he likes to have nothing planned so that he can do whatever he wants when he wants it. Also, when I consult my plans with him he often asks me if we really need to talk about it at that moment and it's tiring for him to make decisions about something far in the future.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We both have a lot of individual hobbies, so each of us has something to do when left on their own. Perhaps I prefer to do my things when he is around (busy with something else), so I easily miss his presence.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am flexible when things do not go as planned.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9346" LastEditorUserId="9346" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T20:03:01.700" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T20:03:01.700" Title="How to avoid time managemet conflicts with my partner?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16310" CreationDate="2018-07-09T22:52:42.290" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who is also a creature of habit, I understand the need to plan things out and have routine tasks. We know your side, but how does he feel? Have you ever asked him why he wants his to be more free flowing? Maybe it's extremely personal to him and relates to why he is in the wheelchair. He decided that &lt;strong&gt;tomorrow is never a given&lt;/strong&gt; and wants to live in the moment, in the now. It sounds like you want to force him to do things your way instead of coming to a mutual compromise of understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you hate when he asks for a weekend off, but have you considered what he needs in that alone time? Think about how hard it is for him to have to get dressed and prepared for the day. I'm sure there are days in there that he probably does not feel his best and does not have the energy it takes to prepare for a weekend with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also make mention that you want it to be less frustrating from both sides, but you want to force him to understand your logic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try having &lt;strong&gt;open dialog with him&lt;/strong&gt;. Maybe once every month or once every 2 months, you can plan something like a nice road trip or whatever it is you guys enjoy doing.  Then say, once a week, you guys agree to driving lessons. The key though is that you have to be receptive of his feelings too! If on one of these weekly meetups, he doesn't feel up to it, then be supportive of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't plan everything in life&lt;/strong&gt;, you can't control how someone feels from one day to the next. You don't know that tomorrow you are going to be too tired from an extra hard day of work until you go through it. Maybe those weekends he requests &quot;off&quot; from you are weekends he truly wants to spend with you, but something came up Friday, Thursday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to be more open to listening, and less demanding of how you feel and I am sure you can indeed learn from your differences and find a happy middle. The first key to this though is to be receptive to his needs as well as yours. By understanding each other, you can move forward with your growth together as a couple; but thinking your way is the best way without really hearing him out can actually be detrimental (in any social interaction).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe your way truly is the best way, but that doesn't make it correct persay. What is right VS what is best is not always the same thing. So again, try to communicate with him and listen to his side and see what your differences can make!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-07-09T22:58:22.297" LastActivityDate="2018-07-09T22:58:22.297" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16265" CreationDate="2018-07-10T01:09:30.010" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your husband sounds like me. I work from home three days per week, two in the office. I'm unfortunately always very busy with work solving hard problems, we are a single income household and I take pride in my work, knowing I am able to support my family. If your husband is like me, his defensive behaviour stems from years working in an office and being micro managed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I unfortunately spent the better part of six years working with a maniac tech lead who was a super micro manager, always asking me what I was working on, what I was doing and questioning everything I did. When I left this toxic place, it took me so long to realise that this wasn't normal and most decent places are hands off and not like this at all. but the damage had already been done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result I have a defensive instinct when I am being asked how things are going not only by my wife, but also other people. My mind immediately jumps to the defense because it's like working with the micro managing tech lead all over again. I am desperately trying to overcome this flaw, and I am getting better at stopping myself before jumping to the defence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best bit of advice wouldn't be to ask questions that a manager would ask, ask them informally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How is your day going?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is everything going okay?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is there anything I can do for you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I've acknowledged my behaviour with my wife, she is more understanding and has used the above approches to communicate with me about my day. She usually brings me over a coffee and a snack when she gets a moment (although her hands are full with the kids).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19564" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T01:09:30.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16314" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16315" CreationDate="2018-07-10T03:04:23.337" Score="19" ViewCount="9645" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am the eldest son in my family. I have younger sisters in their early 20s. The problem is they are really attached to their friends that I consider toxic, a bad influence on my sisters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of their behaviors are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Coming home very late at night.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acting aggressively when advised by an older person&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lying about their whereabouts when called&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are Asian and adopt Middle Eastern cultures. These behaviors are not okay for me because I really care for them and my parent. So, how do I to tell them to stop befriending these people and cease their behavior, or at least prioritize their family over their friend in any circumstances?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Clarifications&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When my sisters have received advice from elders in the past, they've ignored it and said something like &amp;quot;Mind your own business.&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In our culture, they're considered either adults or in transition to adulthood.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17393" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T07:58:17.643" Title="How do I tell my sisters not to befriend a toxic friend?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;malaysia&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16314" CreationDate="2018-07-10T03:30:39.220" Score="39" Body="&lt;h2&gt;My Experience&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having lived in Southeast Asia (Singapore) all my life, and also being at your sister's current age range, I understand how you (and your sisters) feel. I've seen far too many of my friends turn into frequent party-goers, constantly disregarding family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When parents advise me to mix with the right company, not return home too late, not do anything stupid, etc etc, it makes me feel very restricted and flustered, and I think to myself, &quot;Can't I just have a peaceful outing with my friends without any disturbances from my family? I know what I'm doing.&quot; However I know that my parents care about me, and they call me and give me advice out of their concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Answer&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very common for adolescents in Asia to behave in a similar way as I do. Perhaps I am more obedient than average because of strict upbringing ever since I was a child. However, since we can't turn back the time and enforce stricter upbringing on your sisters, the best way to remedy this situation is to let go. The tighter the leash you put on them, the more they will rebel. A quote I heard is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Patience and caring is more powerful than force.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead of disallowing them to mix with their friends, or constantly nagging at them, just let them go. Accept their way of life and care for them, ask them &quot;How was your outing?&quot;, &quot;Did you have fun today?&quot; rather than &quot;Why are you home so late into the night?&quot; and &quot;Did you go out with those bunch of hooligans again?&quot;. Once your sisters feel accepted, they will feel that their family is supporting them. And if they find out that their &quot;friends&quot; betrayed them further down the road, at least they learnt the lesson and they'll understand that family is the most important and reliable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; Most adolescents our age just want to feel supported, and constant nagging just shows disapproval. Unfortunately, most of us nowadays only learn things the hard way: from mistakes and experiences. So let your sisters err. If they make mistakes along the way, they can then learn from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Side note:&lt;/strong&gt; If they have made a mistake, don't reprimand, don't offer to &lt;em&gt;handhold&lt;/em&gt; them through their mistake, they want to be independent so let them solve it on their own. Only if they come to you or your parents for help should you offer assistance to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T03:30:39.220" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16316" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16314" CreationDate="2018-07-10T03:31:10.550" Score="38" Body="&lt;h1&gt;You don't.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my best friends is the younger sister in this situation with a brother 10 years older than her. From her perspective, she's an adult (and has been one for 4 years now) but she's still being treated like a child. Being told not to hangout with certain people. Being told she has an &amp;quot;attitude problem&amp;quot; and she needs to be nicer to her family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From an outside perspective of the whole thing, it looks to me like a self fulfilling prophecy&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;. Her parents and brother treat her like she's not an adult, setting curfews and telling her which friends she can't hangout with so she reverts to acting like an adolescent, lying about who she's going out with and having a short temper with them, which just makes them treat her more like a child. Even if she tries to do what they say, she feels like she's giving in and letting them control her. She feels like she's losing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You cannot change your sisters. You had 18 years&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt; to try to help raise them and teach them. They're now their own people. They're adults.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, quit treating them like children! It'll only perpetuate the circle and push them away from you. They're going to hangout with who they want and they're going to come back when they want. The only thing you can control is how they see you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you the always-upset older sibling who nags them day and night no matter what they do? Or are you a supportive eldest sibling who's there for them, thick or thin. Someone they can turn to when they have hard problems they don't want to tell anyone else about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would strongly, &lt;strong&gt;strongly&lt;/strong&gt; consider dropping this. Neither you nor your sisters will gain anything from you trying to control them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;You can still have a strong relationship with them!&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to spend time with them but they always seem to be out late with friends, &lt;strong&gt;schedule something in advance.&lt;/strong&gt; You could approach them with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey sis, I feel like it's been forever since we just hungout. Did you want to grab lunch/go to the beach/see a movie together some time? I'm thinking maybe next weekend or the week after, when are you free?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Strong relationships are built on trust and support. Right now you're making yourself the bad guy. If you really want to be a big part of their life, you have to accept who they are and be there for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer:&lt;/strong&gt; the above is from a Western perspective. I'm not sure how things are in Malaysia, but this is based on my Western experience.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. Probably more anecdotal than scientific, but &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jane_Elliott#First_exercise_involving_eye_color_and_brown_collars&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Jane Elliott's famous &amp;quot;Blue eyes-Brown eyes&amp;quot; experiment&lt;/a&gt; and the infamous &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_prison_experiment&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Stanford prison experiment&lt;/a&gt; both reinforce the fact that the way we look at and treat others can drastically change their personalities around us in scarily short amounts of time.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2. Looks like &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.agc.gov.my/agcportal/uploads/files/Publications/LOM/EN/Act%2021.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;18 is when kids are considered adults in Malaysia&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T15:30:41.643" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16226" CreationDate="2018-07-10T04:59:41.220" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;We all have habits and likes and dislikes. If you refuse to date someone because they have some incompatible habits or preferences, you could be cutting  yourself off from a lot of good potential matches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The questions are, How important is it to you? How important is it to the other person? And, Is compromise possible?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for example: I have a beard. At one point my wife told me that she didn't like me with a beard and wanted me to shave it off. So I did. It just wasn't that important to me, I had no problem giving in on this point to make her happy. Later she changed her mind and wanted me to grow it back. So I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if a girlfriend or wife said she wanted me to give up my religion, no, I wouldn't do that. If she asked me to change to a different profession, that would be hard, I don't know what I'd do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you give in on this and put up with her smoking around you? I gather from your question that the answer is no. I've never smoked but I understand that quitting smoking is hard, most people can't just decide to quit one day and never smoke again. So for her to give it up completely for you would be tough. If she really loved you maybe she would. But you haven't even been on one date yet if I understand you correctly, so I think it would be very premature to ask that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So all that said, here's my advice. Tell her that being around someone who is smoking makes you feel ill -- or whatever is a fair description of your situation -- but you want to go out with her. Can she go without smoking for the duration of a date. Would this be a problem? That's a fair request to make of her. If she gets defensive, make clear that you are not judging her, you're not saying that smoking is evil or anything, it just causes you literal physical trouble. If she has any sense she should realize that this is going to be a factor in any long-term relationship. If she wants to go out with you, she might agree to go without smoking for the duration of the date. If you hit it off and want to continue, you'll have to talk about what to do longer term. But I'd postpone that conversation until you have reason to believe that there will be a longer term. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know some people say that you should resolve issues like this before your first date. If you can't come to an agreement, there's no point wasting time pursuing the relationship. I understand that, but I respectfully disagree. You haven't built up enough mutual understanding and commitment to have a serious conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T04:59:41.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16319" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16320" CreationDate="2018-07-10T05:13:58.207" Score="30" ViewCount="23392" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend and I are straight males and we both have girlfriends. We have been friends for quite a long while, and there are a few occasions where we've talked about friends-with-benefits (FWBs) and our opinions on it. He is receptive to the idea of having FWBs, but I've got no clue if he is open to same-sex FWBs and whether he is willing to become FWBs with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I ask him if he wants to be FWBs with me without straining our friendship or creating an awkward situation between us if he refuses to?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19574" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T17:27:00.513" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T04:54:31.027" Title="Same Gender Friends-with-Benefits" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-07-21T13:27:33.287" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16319" CreationDate="2018-07-10T05:16:29.507" Score="85" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I ask him if he wants to be FWBs with me without straining our friendship or creating an awkward situation between us if he refuses to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that there isn't really a risk free way to do this and suprisingly enough, gender and sexuality don't make as much of a difference as you might imagine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anytime you proposition anyone, you're taking the risk that you may be rejected. If you proposition a friend, you're adding the risk of straining and/or making the friendship awkward. These are just realities of any sexual proposal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can test the waters with casual flirtation before making a proposition, and that may give you a better picture of how the person will react, but it definitely doesn't tell you for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friends with benefits situations are inherently risky no matter the gender or sexuality of the folks involved. Someone may develop deeper feelings, someone may be cheating on a partner &lt;em&gt;(nudge)&lt;/em&gt;, someone may want to end the arrangement while the other doesn't, and the list goes on and on... No strings attached sex between friends is rare, there are nearly always strings attached, it's more a matter of whether the people involved are aware and emotionally mature enough to handle that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, on to the other part of the the question, the same-sex-fwb part. I've read enough &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thestranger.com/blogs/slog/2015/07/27/22606460/not-gay-men-who-have-not-gay-sex-with-other-not-gay-men&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dan Savage&lt;/a&gt; to know that there are plenty of straight identified men who enjoy bro-jobs, buddy-baiting, and other same-sex-sex while still maintaining their straight identities. Seriously, straight people write him an awful lot with these kinds of questions... An awful lot...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dan Savage mentions the idea of straight male fragility, in the piece I linked above. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Male heterosexuality, in this way, is a lot more fragile than female heterosexuality or male/female homosexuality. But with that said... a lot of the white guys (and a lot of the not-white guys) out there ... are closeted gay or possibly/probably closeted bi men. I kept waiting for the word &quot;bisexual&quot; to pop up in the press release for Not Gay but I didn't see it in there. The men Jane Ward studied might not be gay—gayness could be ruled out in some cases—but straight-identified, married-to-women guys who have sex with other men are likelier to be bisexual, closeted or not, than they are to be straight, fluidity or otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And honestly I tend to agree... Many straight men have some serious hangups about being perceived as anything other than straight men, even when they actively seek out not-exactly-heterosexual sex. The stigma, and fragility of male heterosexuality makes it really hard for some guys to experiment, without the fear of being forever labeled, or to embrace the idea that it's ok to be something other than a straight male. &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.citypaper.com/news/columns/savage-love/bcp-100417-savage-love-20171003-story.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;As Dan Savage put it:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;While I believe a guy can have a same-sex experience without having to identify as gay or bi—straight men should have the same latitude on this score that straight women enjoy—straightness is so valued (and apparently so vulnerable) that some people can look at guys who put dicks in their mouths at regular intervals and construct book-length rationalizations that allow these guys to avoid identifying or being labeled as bi, gay, or queer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, I think the fragility of male heterosexuality has more to do with the way society tends to label people, than it has to do with the way these men label themselves. To use myself as an example; I am a cisgender man and I identify as queer, but I also date women. Society doesn't label me as being any less queer for dating or sleeping with women. On the other hand, before I came out, the moment I began to even consider dating people who weren't cisgender women society was very quick to label me as gay, bi, or queer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice how once queer I'm considered queer regardless of who I'm dating or sleeping with, but as a straight/heterosexual man even having thoughts or fantasies will change the way society wants to label me? &lt;strong&gt;I don't think that's right, or fair, but unfortunately that's the way things are at the moment.&lt;/strong&gt; That's the fragility of male heterosexuality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Now with all of that in mind...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is probably a bad idea... Unless you're willing to risk the friendship, each of you are willing to be honest with your girlfriends, and you're both willing to be honest with yourselves about what you're doing, you probably shouldn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel the desire to experience this kind of thing, talk it over with your girlfriend, and then maybe find someone who's not a straight, close, friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T18:41:25.757" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T18:41:25.757" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16292" CreationDate="2018-07-10T06:18:56.073" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't say anything to them at all.  Just let housing know &lt;em&gt;explicitly&lt;/em&gt; that you don't want to be housed with them.  If there's no place on the official form for this, make it a separate communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why don't they like you?  It could be anything from not showing emotion (unemotional people are one of the last discriminated-against groups left) to one of them telling the others lies about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they want you to room with them again next year, it could be because they see you as an easy target to take advantage of.  Don't try to salvage this situation, and don't try to explain anything.  Just get out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5160" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T06:18:56.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16323" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-10T08:43:32.887" Score="4" ViewCount="450" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am usually someone who looks confident, and feels like I can speak out in a crowd if prepared well in advance and know the subject. However often I lose my confidence when interacting with my boss or higher management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example if I am in a meeting with my boss's boss and I use a wrong word (e.g. &quot;tested on production environment&quot; instead of &quot;checked against production environment&quot;), my boss's boss makes moves like pulling hair and making it a big deal which freaks me out, especially considering that English is not my first language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For future I know not to use word &quot;tested on production&quot; but every now and then situation comes where I chose wrong words and get same reaction back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In such situations how do I recover from my loss of voice/confidence after being put on spot?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2170" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T14:11:40.103" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T14:11:40.103" Title="How do I recover from my loss of voice\confidence after being put on spot?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16319" CreationDate="2018-07-10T09:21:33.930" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might be approaching this from the wrong direction, trying to head directly towards FWB'ship with your friend. Since you didn't write anything about the extent of his straightness or his potential interest in homosexual experimentation, I assume this hasn't really been a topic until now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the first thing that you need to take care of: Find out whether he's similarly bi-curious as you seem to be, then depending on the result, ask him would he like to give it a casual try. As you also labelled yourself as &quot;straight&quot;, who says that you yourself will like the result? As a gay man, I can tell you that things are in practice often not as fun as shown on TV ;-) If he agrees to such an experiment, and it turns out you both like it, the route to make this a regular activity isn't that hard anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I am deliberately not making any suggestions on how you could get this arranged with your respective girlfriends.. that's a completely different can of worms.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16835" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T09:36:43.393" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T09:36:43.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16292" CreationDate="2018-07-10T09:45:00.893" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a complement of other's answers. I'm mentioning what may happen after you will be officially moving out and what you should do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others said, don't bother, just make sure to ask explicitly and politely you don't want to be with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm a very quiet, non-confrontational person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They know it and they're using it against you. If they learn you try to escape them, they will very likely try to provoke confrontation, especially when you want to get your stuff out. If you have friends other than them, explain your situation to them and when you will move your stuff out : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't tell them when, if possible when they won't be there (and not too late).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;bring friends, especially the kind that can stand up for you. That friend doesn't need to tell them why you're moving out, just to take the confrontational part for you and make them let you go with your stuff.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option : move, along with your stuff, to a friend's room before even having to move to your own new room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also since you will very likely cross their way later on, you will need to stand up for yourself because friends won't always be there. Furthermore, if you can't have any external help, you will probably not have the choice but to confront them yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1794" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T10:07:23.387" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T10:07:23.387" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16326" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-10T09:57:06.967" Score="28" ViewCount="5920" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am new in the town and I am currently looking for a new job, so I am trying to meet as many people as possible. I attend different business and hobby networks and meet people there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes after such a meeting a person of the opposite sex contacts me and asks whether we should meet e.g. and go sightseeing or have a drink or a dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like socializing and I'm going to these meetings to meet new people, so it's perfectly fine that I get contacted. However, I'm always uneasy about how to let the people know that I'm not really interested in them in the romantic sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to &quot;casually mention&quot; my boyfriend. I'm single and I don't want the news that I'm in a relationship to spread. I don't want to need to lie about what my imaginary bf does and where he comes from either.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to say that I'm not interested in them since I don't even know whether they are interested in me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideas, how I should handle it? I see these people as potential friends and professional network, not as lovers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm based in western Europe and these people are from different countries including Germany, Spain, Scandinavia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. I've read this: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/16276/how-to-have-dinner-without-romance-involved&quot;&gt;How to have dinner without romance involved&lt;/a&gt;. But my situation is different: it's about people I've just met and I'm single.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17962" LastEditorDisplayName="user17962" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T18:15:03.550" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T13:10:55.323" Title="How to let acquaintances know I'm not interested in them romantically" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16327" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-10T10:17:51.507" Score="2" ViewCount="591" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'll clarify my question right away:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 20, from France.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While drunk at a party organized at a friend's house, I was with 4 friends in a room when somebody joked about a girl I brought: &amp;quot;Hey, you brought here to flirt right lmao?&amp;quot;, which I responded to (still joking) amongst the line of &amp;quot;Yeah, of course, but seems like a fail for me so if anybody want's to try she's single&amp;quot;.&#xA;Except the people I was with didn't hear what I said, but one of them decided to tell her, which got me in big trouble. I sent a message to the guy who told her because I thought he would be quite embarrassed knowing that he brought me in trouble, I wanted to reassure him that I wasn't mad and we were still friends, etc. This is what I sent:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I'm disappointed that you told her, I was drunk, everybody knows how stupid I am when I'm drunk, it was really not useful to tell her except if you wanted to put me in useless trouble... Anyway I'm not mad a you but we probably won't see each other much as &lt;strong&gt;the girl&lt;/strong&gt; is mad at me now and you hang out with her most of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which he replied to with a really hard tone aswell as insulting me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;You'd better assume your shit instead of telling me it's my fault, you clearly didn't seem so drunk and even if you was that's absolutely no excuse to talk like this about a girl which you consider as a &amp;quot;friend&amp;quot;, especially since nobody asked you to open your mouth at that moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All I see is that you are dumb enough to find that disappointing when I tell the main party involved about what you said as she didn't ask anything at that moment as well as being my best friend at the party and in general, and you are searching yourself shitty excuses to make it seem right on top of that.&#xA;I am glad you are not mad at me! You fucked up, not me, if you didn't want her to know you just had to shut your fucking mouth, no need to search further.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that pretty hypocritical for two major reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The guy wasn't that much involved in our discussion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I could have 'shut my mouth' but what about him?  It wasn't useful at all to tell her.  I feel like he just wanted to get me in trouble which is pretty weird for someone who's supposed to be a friend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest when I read his response I was so shocked I didn't even knew what to respond so I said something like &amp;quot;no need to be aggressive, I'm completely against all you said except the part where I fucked up&amp;quot;, I basically responded like he was right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Some background context:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was at a party recently and got drunk, as it was the main reason why this party took place. A bunch of friends (4 peoples) were playing action/truth and I decided to join them. I know 3 of them really well and the last one is more of a guy I know a bit, I did hang out a few time with him and we talk time to time but that's all. The 3 peoples i mentioned earlier have the same relationship with him if not worst (2 of them I don't think they know him that much apart from seeing him a few times). A guy joked about a girl I brought, I joked with him as well, and the guy I'm the less close to decided to tell the girl.&#xA;She is really mad at me, and since the said guy responded as he did to my message I'm mad at him now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What should I do about the guy, how should I approach him as he seems very aggressive? I already apologized to the girl but I'm extremely disappointed by the guy for all the reasons above. We will obviously end up in parties together and even if I don't want to excuse him, I don't want to create more useless drama for my friends, I really need some advice on how I should behave in order no to make my friends uncomfortable.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm still young and social is clearly not my thing... I don't really have anybody I can ask about this. I would be interested in getting advice from peoples more sociable, mature than me. I'am very open to criticism, I'am the one at fault there is no doubt it, my goal here is to get advice on how i should handle the situation, i want to avoid the guy having troubles with my friends and i want him to know i'am mad but can't figure out how to bring the conversation on the table.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19450" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T14:35:40.357" Title="How should I approach a situation were I said something wrong and somebody else reported it?" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-07-10T11:48:47.463" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16326" CreationDate="2018-07-10T11:24:37.813" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had some friend who found themselves in similar situations. Depending on the anecdotes, I'm gonna give you several potential leads:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The job focus&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best friend recently fell in love with a friend of his, and since I personally know the woman, I knew that she was not in a phase of her life where she was looking for someone.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;What she did was to tactfully approach the matter at a moment while they were hanging out together (e.g. after watching a movie or while having a drink). She started a conversation about their respective current goals and expectations of life, and after listening to what my friend's, she said something in the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things are thrilling at work these days. I'm thriving in a activity I am passionate about. Sure it does not let me such free time to hang out and find love, but that's ok, I'm not looking for it right now. I prefer to focus on my career while I'm having such a good time at work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, &lt;strong&gt;she simply stated she was not planning to got engaged in a relationship at the moment&lt;/strong&gt;. Since you do not know well the people who offer you to go on dates, I'd suggest you to ask them what they do for a living and then adopt a similar attitude to what my best friend's crush did. Of course you cannot mention your current job since you're looking for one, but you can disclaim you're focusing on finding the perfect one because feeling good at work is important to you.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;There's nothing offensive in saying this, &lt;strong&gt;it does not come out of the blue so it does not appear to be rude&lt;/strong&gt;, and you clearly state that you're not interested in anything more than friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The true love&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have other friends who summoned religious reasons: &lt;strong&gt;they were waiting for the right person to build something really serious&lt;/strong&gt;, and they were not in a period of their life where they were able or wanting to commit in something serious. They were explaining it to the other part when the topic was brought on the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The broken heart&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, a very good friend of mine fell in love with her roommate while in Erasmus, and they couldn't pursue their relationship once they'd go home. She didn't feel she was ready to fall in love again since, so she's simply saying to anyone who would go on a romantic date with her that she'd love to spend some time with the person but that she's too hurt right now to consider get engaged in a romantic relationship again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on your case (whether you're clearly standing by the will of remaining single for the moment or want to keep a door open), I think you might find advice in the three abovementioned examples.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Either way, I'd personally suggest you wait for the other part to bring the matter on the table or attempts to act romantically.&lt;/strong&gt; You're certainly aware that in Western Europe, it is not rare to hang out with someone without any romance involved, plus it can be very touchy to reveal your romantic intentions without seeming undertaking or being uncomfortable that you were misled by the other part's intention. &lt;strong&gt;You won't seem rude if you do not bring up the matter before the person reveals their romantic thoughts.&lt;/strong&gt; You won't seem rude either if you warn them you'd rather focus on another part of your life at this moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2020-07-18T13:10:55.323" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T13:10:55.323" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16326" CreationDate="2018-07-10T11:30:40.140" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the way you describe it, from my personal experience (Germany), almost 100% of such dates are with at least an underlying romantic interest. That does not mean the other person is already certain if he/she wants to make a friend or wants more. Maybe he/she wants to get to know you better first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such I'd advise you to be up-front and offer them an opt-out. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes - I'd love to go to &lt;em&gt;RandomActivity&lt;/em&gt; with you. Just to prevent any mix-up - this is not supposed to be a date is it? Because I'm not looking right now but I'd love to make some new friends!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then go from there, depending their reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: As @snb pointed out, also try to avoid typical date behavior during your activities. For example, pay for your own stuff or, if they insist, you pay the next round. Go light on the door-holding and similar etiquette etc. so you make clear you're just buddies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T17:50:46.900" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T17:50:46.900" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16327" CreationDate="2018-07-10T11:39:51.967" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a frame challenge answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Hey, you brought here to flirt right lmao?&quot;, which I responded to (still joking) amongst the line of &quot;Yeah, of course, but seems like a fail for me so if anybody &lt;em&gt;want's to try she's free&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is Claiming ownership of the woman &quot;she's free&quot; means she is no longer mine, it is treating her as an object.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you had stuck with &quot;Yeah, of course, but seems like a fail for me&quot;, would have told everyone you had given up, without treating her as your property you can set free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Language matters until very recently (last 100 years) in most of the west women were literally the property of first their father then their husband. Many men still consider women to be somebody's property, which is why women so often have to invent a boyfriend to get rid of persistent men when out. The only thing that stops these men is when they realise she belongs to someone already &quot;Sorry mate didn't realise she was yours&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being drunk is no excuse for ANYTHING, what you did was appalling you talked about this woman as though she was a chair you were no longer using.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi sit here I am leaving now&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/why-the-i-was-drunk-excuse-is-no-longer-valid-20140815-1045pk.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Being drunk is no longer an excuse&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;According to a study titled Alcohol Effects On Performance Monitoring&#xA;  and Adjustment: Affect Modulation and Impairment of Evaluative&#xA;  Cognitive Control, alcohol doesn’t limit our ability to know what’s&#xA;  right and wrong, instead, &lt;strong&gt;it takes away our capacity to care.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this means you still know what you are doing is wrong you just don't care it is wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the old line that being drunk just shows us the real you is true, and the real you thinks of women like shareable objects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yes this woman's best friend is angry, angry that you treated her so shoddily, and then were upset, not about how you had behaved but upset that she found out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are still showing no signs of contrition&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;and that was a joke so it's not like i meant it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not &quot;I said a really bad thing I had no excuse how can I make up for this?&quot; nope still with the &quot;but it wasn't my fault it was only a joke I was drunk&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://sage.thesharps.us/2016/08/10/i-was-only-joking/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;it was only a joke&lt;/a&gt; is also no excuse, jokes like these are designed as social glue to say we are the ones who can joke about &quot;using&quot; those other ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, the justification falls flat if we assume that you’re never&#xA;  “just joking” and that jokes define in groups or out groups. The&#xA;  sexist joke shared between two white males (who were part of the&#xA;  dominant culture of conferences in 2013) defined them as part of the&#xA;  “in-group” and pushed the African American woman who overhead the&#xA;  “joke” into the “out-group”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When the woman pushed back against the joke in by tweeting about it&#xA;  with a picture of the joker, the people who were part of the in-group&#xA;  who found that joke “funny” were angry. When the joker was fired, it&#xA;  was a sign that they were no longer the favored, dominant group. Fear&#xA;  of loss of social status is a powerful motivator, which is what caused&#xA;  people from the joke’s “in-group” to call for the woman to be fired as&#xA;  well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://blogs.plos.org/absolutely-maybe/2015/06/22/just-joking-sexist-talk-in-science/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;just-joking sexist talk&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ford and Ferguson concluded that jokes don’t create hostility to the&#xA;  outgroup where it doesn’t already exist. But the evidence, they said,&#xA;  showed that joking reinforces existing prejudice. If you joke about&#xA;  women and get away with it, those who are hostile to women will see&#xA;  this as social sanction for their views and behavior. The joke tellers&#xA;  don’t themselves have to be actively misogynist to end up encouraging&#xA;  others to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="11738" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T12:18:46.950" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T12:18:46.950" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16326" CreationDate="2018-07-10T12:01:34.643" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My SO says that searching for job &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a job, so the &quot;job focus&quot; &lt;strong&gt;avazula&lt;/strong&gt; suggested is perfectly applicable. Whenever my wife has been looking for a job, she has spent a whole 8 hours journey searching for jobs, just as she were already working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you just say you are too busy sending curricula, actualizing data in job-searching websites, attending to meetings and interviews, etc., to party much. You don't have much leisure time despite being unemployed and, because of being unemployed, you don't want to get out much because it's expensive. For now, finding a job it's your main - and nearly only - outdoor activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying this you are stating that you are not averse to hanging around with people, but you're not looking for relationships right now, only for jobs, and your time (and maybe budget) for leisure activities, parties or dates is pretty limited. It won't be perceived as rude or impolite, it's in fact the plain truth so you won't have any problems defending it - no need to invent excuses or alibis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beware of allies, though. If some of these people are actually pursuing a relationship with you, and you being unemployed is perceived as the only obstacle to this relationship they can be extra-motivated in helping you finding a job, but I would be wary of accepting a job offer from someone who previously tried to invite me for dinner... Maybe they think you owe them something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13332" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T12:07:50.797" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T12:07:50.797" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16276" CreationDate="2018-07-10T12:21:41.553" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like that you’ve mentioned in your question that a blunt 'sorry, I have a girlfriend' is presumptuous because my suggestion will make you sound so as well, that’s why I suggest keeping it light-hearted and even making fun of your presumptuousness as well!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you are open and honest with your friend. When you get the request, or even when yous are organising where and when to go out, raise your concerns with them in an honest but light-hearted way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give you a better idea of what I mean here is what I would say in the same circumstance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey Jessica, yeah of course I’d love to come out for some food, I know&#xA;some great places we can try if you don’t have anywhere specific in&#xA;mind. I have one rule though, and I know this is presumptuous but I&#xA;have to bring it up because it has happened in the past (more than&#xA;once):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You’re not allowed to fall in love with me.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous now but if we go out for a meal,&#xA;just the 2 of us, there might be a candle on the table, we’ll probably&#xA;gaze into each other’s eyes once or twice (or at least look at each other), there may even be some soft music playing and there will be a very strong urge to fall in love and make lots and lots of beautiful babies together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want to make sure you know&#xA;from the outset that I’m in a committed relationship with Heather and&#xA;that we can’t act on this urge, no matter how strong or overpowering&#xA;it becomes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course I’m not suggesting you say this verbatim (especially if your girlfriend’s name is not Heather) but if you do decide to go with it of course adjust it to suit you and your friend’s humour / personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, why do I think this is a good approach? A raft of reasons!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Zero lying to your friends.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It doesn’t shift any ‘blame’ onto your girlfriend&lt;/strong&gt; (if you say you’ll invite her, but don’t, then your friend may incorrectly get the impression she is rude / isn’t interested in meeting them or doesn’t consider you or your friends important).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Similarly &lt;strong&gt;you’re not ‘accusing’ or giving the impression of your girlfriend of anything&lt;/strong&gt; (like being insecure / overly possessive).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You aren’t forcing your girlfriend to ‘be the bad guy’&lt;/strong&gt; by inviting her when you know she will refuse. (If she is the ‘shut-in’ type she’ll probably appreciate this, but be sure to still offer the invite if it is cool with your friend as well but emphasise that it is fine if she doesn’t as well.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You aren’t just inviting other people out to the meal without discussing it.&lt;/strong&gt; (This is an important one for me because if I’m catching up with a friend then perhaps there are things I want to discuss that I don’t want other people to hear! Hell, maybe I want to discuss your girlfriend!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You give them the chance to suggest she comes out as well.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You set yourself up for something fun and interesting to talk about over dinner.&lt;/strong&gt; (Just how often do people make a pass at you that you need to pre-warn people? What happened last time? How does your girlfriend react? Have you ever been tempted? Was it Jenny, that ho-bag!?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You aren’t artificially limiting your night to a 9pm curfew&lt;/strong&gt; (which sounds super lame!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it later turns out that your concerns were justified and your friend does make a pass at you then &lt;strong&gt;you have an escape route ready that saves both of your embarrassment&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Damn it Jessica! I told you no falling in love with me! You’ve broken&#xA;the one rule I have!!! (Then bring it down to a more serious ‘You are&#xA;great but things are really serious with Heather and I could never&#xA;jeopardise that, not even for one night of fun…’ hopefully that would&#xA;let you keep your friendship and not have too much red faces the next&#xA;day.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I really like about this is it doesn't even have to be just your female friends you use it on!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could just as easily go through the same spiel with your male friends, warning them off falling in love with you, letting them know you are seeing someone, a little humble brag about past admirers who have tried their luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a fun little ditty that will roll off the tongue once used a few times. &lt;em&gt;Andddd&lt;/em&gt; when it does you can even tell your girlfriend you tell it to &lt;strong&gt;everyone&lt;/strong&gt; you go out with. It can become an 'in-joke' so when your girlfriend does meet your friends &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; has something easy to bring up (again being the un-socialising type she might appreciate this) 'Did he give you the spiel?' ('What spiel?') 'The one about falling in love! You're such an ass Omegastick, not everyone you go to dinner with will instantly be swooning in your arms!'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Btw, I love Japan and am planning to visit there in a few years with my wife and kids, if we don't meet up and have this &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;exact&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; conversation I'm going to be very disappointed)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8179" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T14:46:36.040" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16333" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16265" CreationDate="2018-07-10T12:43:35.063" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;My husband and I have worked together at home for decades, and raised two children doing it. Some tips:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;give before you take. An open ended question like &quot;are you working?&quot; is a bit like a university friend asking &quot;what are you doing this weekend?&quot; - they might want to invite you to a great party, or they might need help moving. So &quot;Are you up for a break, I was going to take the baby for a walk if you'd like to come?&quot; or &quot;are you at a pause point, I really need to go to the bathroom by myself if you could keep an eye on the baby&quot; are really different questions. First give some information, then ask your question&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;try not to ask questions that require collapsing &quot;the zone&quot; to answer. &quot;What are you doing?&quot; is super vague. &quot;Is this interruptible?&quot; or &quot;can we do that Amazon order now?&quot; is specific.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;develop (and stick to firmly) a signalling technique. This could be &quot;door closed = leave me alone&quot; or &quot;standing up = interruptible&quot; (you don't need a standing desk for this, I often stood while reading Twitter or watching a video) or whatever other visible way you can communicate status. The desk person has to be good about opening that door when they &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; want to be left alone, or standing up to show they're not thinking deeply.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you just wanted to ask &quot;how did your day go?&quot; put some context to it. &quot;Remember when we used to relax at the end of the day and ask &quot;how was work?&quot; -- how was work, anyway?&quot;. Now it's clear there's not some high-stakes &quot;you better have got a lot done because you sure didn't help me&quot; thing going on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you miss work and wish you were doing some of it, or are curious about a client or project you know, ask about that specifically: &quot;Did X ever choose their Y system?&quot; &quot;Are we getting anywhere with ABC?&quot; &quot;How is D these days?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things get easier - the baby gets to be less work, sleep improves at least a little, you get better at baby tasks (and more confident about your own way of doing them), and you learn these new communication techniques. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T12:43:35.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16334" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16341" CreationDate="2018-07-10T12:55:18.683" Score="98" ViewCount="21004" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm Brazilian, 23, and I went on a date with a Tinder match yesterday afternoon. At some point things got more intense and as I was fondling her breasts I felt two big lumps on her left one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've only talked for a week and that was our first date, I'm not sure how sensitive of a topic this is among women but I'm worried about her health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's 18 by the way, so it's very likely just benign nodules/cysts, but it wouldn't hurt to check with a doctor if she hasn't already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I approach the matter with her as a male and without sounding too scary?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE:&lt;/strong&gt; We had a second date last Friday night and after some more intimate talking I talked about it and it went more or less like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-Hey, on our last date I noticed a couple of lumps on your breast, is that common?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-(laughing a little)Yeah yeah, I've checked with a doctor and it's nothing really, maybe I should've warned you before...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then the date just went on as if nothing happened! Thank you very much for your answers, they were really helpful!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19584" LastEditorUserId="19584" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T11:30:49.243" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T13:09:40.200" Title="How to talk to a one night stand about her potential breast lumps issues?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16323" CreationDate="2018-07-10T12:57:05.610" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best way to gain your confidence in any situation is to know your topic, or field etc. You have to be so versed in whatever it is that no matter where you are or what your doing, no one can make you feel awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems as if you are very subconscious about not having mastered English as a second language. The first thing to do is to practice words that you know are related to field of study and learn them until they become second nature. Once you have mastered the English language, and with your current knowledge, there is no fear behind anything you do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Confidence is knowing what you know to be accurate, strong and indisputable. It is all in how you view yourself, personally, socially, and  spiritually. Get comfortable with yourself, and build your confidence by mastering language, Social settings, and environment. You can do it if you really want to feel confident with what you already know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck and practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19583" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T13:50:06.280" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T13:50:06.280" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16336" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16302" CreationDate="2018-07-10T13:14:35.417" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a very awkward situation, but since you do see this person around regularly, you could try to get to know them better. See what they are truly like. They may be very insecure about their weight and could possibly make jokes about it first to not give the other person the opportunity to comment on their weight before they do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people that are uncomfortable with weight, body image, etc. sometimes believe that it will hurt less if they joke about themselves first, because the alternative would be to hear snide remarks from others and that would be detrimental. They also believe that if they joke about themselves that others will think, oh they seem to be ok with their size or image. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This in many cases is far beyond the truth. So as I suggested, try to befriend this person and see what their real feelings are about weight. Once you understand where they are coming from, I believe the jokes will stop and you two may become good friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you choose not to try and befriend this person, the only solution would be to quickly change the subject to current events or something humorous that you saw on television, or office activities. Anything to turn the conversation around to where you feel in control and not so awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck to you,&#xA;Deborah Johnson &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19583" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T13:14:35.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16337" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16334" CreationDate="2018-07-10T14:02:21.677" Score="137" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all this won't be a pleasant conversation - and it does not have to be. This is one of the occasions where the information matters more than the tone. Think of it this way: If it is serious, you may save her life!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just inform her that you found these lumps to be unusual. Ask her if she had this inspected. If not, then tell her that she absolutely needs to get this checked. You can try to soften the blow, by mentioning the &lt;em&gt;very likely just benign nodules/cysts&lt;/em&gt; line, but leave absolutely no doubt that this has to be checked by a doctor ASAP!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also remind her that such a screening is, at a first step, a quick and harmless ultrasound inspection. If there is something suspicious, the doctors will take it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, chances are high you have &lt;em&gt;handled&lt;/em&gt; more breasts than she has, so she might not be aware she has something unusual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Experience: Having breast cancer in my circle and also a woman who counts as a risk candidate and has to get regular screenings)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T19:55:51.760" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T19:55:51.760" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16323" CreationDate="2018-07-10T14:10:40.663" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually used to have this issue, as I would frequently use incorrect words or phrase something incorrectly, even as a native English speaker.  I still do, but I've learned to not let it affect me in conversations if I ever do slip up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As AskMs.D stated already, I am assuming you are subconscious about not being fluent in English.  That's perfectly fine, nobody should be judging you for that.  My go to response for people mocking or pointing out my incorrect grammar is to joke about it or dismiss it as a non-issue.  Point out how a second language is hard to master (especially considering it's English) and that you're not perfect yet.  Be sure to thank them for correcting you, as the correction is &lt;em&gt;usually&lt;/em&gt; warranted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some references that you can base what you actually want to use in conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Jokes&lt;/strong&gt;  (Only if you're witty enough to pull these off.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;There's always something about English that I mess up on.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;My brain's thinking too fast right now.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dismissals&lt;/strong&gt;  (What I would recommend.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Ah, that's the word.  Thanks for the reminder.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;That's what I meant.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dismissals are short and get right to the point, so I would recommend starting with that.  With jokes, YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary), which means it depends person to person.  Some people are better at making jokes than others, so only do it if you're comfortable with it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't mind your colleagues reactions to what you said.  Again, you are not a native English speaker, so there is only so much you can do, as you will not possibly know as much as someone who has grown up speaking English.  Keep learning and just adapt your message with the recommendations that your colleagues give you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T14:10:40.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9768" CreationDate="2018-07-10T14:33:53.757" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the answer from Imus about walking your dog on the leash.  I used to go to a &quot;you and your dog&quot; camp and they always emphasized keeping your dog safe.  That includes positioning your dog so they won't have harmful interactions with other dogs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One other thing I'd suggest is seeing if there are is anyone offering dog training classes that your dad (or you and your dad) could go to.  I'm not talking about fancy tricks and such, but about basic training so your dog is comfortable on the leash.  And it's also useful for your dad to understand your dog, what motivates her, and how she perceives the world.  Doing some training trains the owner as much as it trains the dog.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T14:33:53.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16340" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16346" CreationDate="2018-07-10T14:38:28.607" Score="14" ViewCount="5737" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 21 years-old and still live at my parents' house. &#xA;Like my dad, I'm pretty introverted. And we mainly like to do our own thing throughout the day. For me, that's playing video games, writing code, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, my mom never really understood that. Her personality is totally opposite to me. She keeps insisting I should go outside and enjoy life. Something I occasionally do, but prefer not to every day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was younger, we had a lot of arguments about it. To the point where she called me socially disturbed, and where she threw a plate onto me in my room. Now this never happened again, but she still regularly throws comments towards me. I personally know I have no social issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, Friday night I went out with friends to have a drink, played poker, and went to the pub. The next day I wake up at 12 PM. And all I want to do is relax in my room, until 9 PM when I leave the house to friends again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It happened to be a warm day. So at around 4 PM I went outside in the garden. My mother was there with a friend of hers, and started by saying I'm white and that I could use some sunlight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point I'm instantly annoyed, but I remain calm and don't respond. I prefer not to speak to her anyways. So I escape back to my room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I handle such a situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this is not the only thing she has to say about me. But is an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a lot of other issues with my mom, that I would like to work out. But I have no idea how to. We never have a normal conversation. I feel like everything I tell her is going to be used against me at some later point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm at the point where I 'hate' my mother, and prefer not to see her ever again after moving out of the house. But I still know she loves me, and she tries to 'help' me. So I don't want that to be the outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorDisplayName="anon" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T06:46:09.203" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T14:51:06.990" Title="How can I get my mom to accept me being introverted?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16334" CreationDate="2018-07-10T14:55:17.060" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;On whether you should or not: &lt;strong&gt;yes, you definitely should&lt;/strong&gt;. You don't know if she's aware of it.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;To my knowledge most people would like to know if something might be wrong with their health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On how to tell her now, IMHO you should tell her that you noticed something might be wrong without prompting her to see someone, for it is her decision in the end.&#xA;On this particular matter I would personally opt for a white lie about your lack of knowledge of the female body and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey Alice, it was nice to spend some time with you. I'm sorry if this feels awkward but I don't know much about female anatomy and I think I noticed a couple of little lumps in your left breast. You might want to check this out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also opt to say it directly to her if possible rather than by text message, in order not to create panic and be here to support her if she feels scared about the news.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Also, if you're comfortable with the idea, it would be very nice of you to offer to accompany her to the doctor's appointment if she decides to go. I know she's your Tinder date, but this could be a pretty big deal for her and she might need support to go through this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2020-07-18T13:09:40.200" LastActivityDate="2020-07-18T13:09:40.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16340" CreationDate="2018-07-10T15:07:09.363" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like she is worried about you but doesn't know how to express that in a supportive way. Her worries are probably not all strictly rational. She may worry that you are missing out on life. She may feel frustrated that you are still living at home instead of moving to your own place. I don't know if these are what she's feeling, and neither do you. But you can find out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest a direct approach. Tell her you would like to talk together about your living situation (I'd suggest planning it a few hours out so she has some time to think). Let her talk, and try to listen without being too defensive on your first reaction. You don't have to agree with her; you just want to know what she's thinking. You can acknowledge her feelings without acquiescing. After you feel like you understand what's bothering her, ask her to listen to you in a similar way (now is a good time to mention that violence/throwing things is not okay). Eventually, you may need to come to some sort of compromise, but it's probably best to delay coming up with solutions until you both understand each other's concerns. Hopefully, approaching your differences from a serious, methodical standpoint will get her to stop lashing out or trying to correct you at every opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9173" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T15:07:09.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16340" CreationDate="2018-07-10T15:07:44.283" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this situation well (my mom does Crossfit and I am a slightly chubby indoor person) and I'll share my solution that me and my mother agreed to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom was concerned that I wasn't getting enough exercise and staying in my room most of the day, which is a fair point that I have considered myself.  My mom would comment about this every time I would go downstairs to get myself something to eat.  It would get to the point where I would avoid leaving my room if she was in the house, further proving her point and increasing the frequency of her comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My Solution&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I managed to get my mother off my back by &lt;strong&gt;compromising with her demands.&lt;/strong&gt;  My mom wanted me to be more active outside, so we made an agreement that I would go on an hour long walk on days that I have the time to.  I was perfectly willing to go out for this long as we both felt it was fair.  I think this would help you because it gets you outside (stopping your mom from commenting about needing sunlight).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to her one day and really hash out what she expects you to do, and talk about your side of the story and why you want her to stop making these comments.  Try to work out a compromise between what she expects and what you want, and if you can do this, let her know that you want her comments about you to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T15:07:44.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16326" CreationDate="2018-07-10T15:10:29.403" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tips from a female friend of mine who has always had more male friends than female, and also deals with a lot of unwanted romantic attention:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you go for dinner or drinks with someone you don't know, you should be the one to decide where to go, and choose a place that you know and are known, if you can.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep an eye on your drink at all times (go to the toilet between drinks) and don't drink too much.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Arrange to meet relatively early in the evening, so that public transport is still running when the 'date' finishes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Always split the bill - don't let anyone else pay for you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep the conversation focused on non-romantic topics when talking with acquaintances.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When the conversation turns to romantic topics, as it almost certainly will with acquaintances who become friends, talk about the dates you've been on lately (or that you're not dating at the moment, if that's the case). This helps to make it clear that you've got that part of life under control and are not in need of any assistance from them in that department.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't be afraid to quickly and firmly shut down any inappropriate behaviour. &#xA;What is inappropriate varies from person to person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inappropriate could be an acquaintance trying to make the conversation romantic, despite your attempts to keep it professional. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inappropriate could be someone touching you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A negative response (&quot;No, I don't think so.&quot; and removal of the unwanted hand, if that's the case) should be enough to send a clear signal that you're not interested. If they don't take the hint then end the date and don't see them again.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people are quick enough to take a hint, even if they started off with high hopes of a romantic liaison.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8409" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T15:10:29.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16345" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16347" CreationDate="2018-07-10T15:10:32.260" Score="103" ViewCount="37027" Body="&lt;p&gt;I happened to be seated next to a lovely young lady on a flight recently. We hit it off really nicely, talked a lot during the flight, and she signaled she was single which is nice because I am too. She seemed to really like me and of course I liked her a lot as well. She lives in a different part of the country but she travels a lot on business and goes to where I live several times a year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we landed I conjured up the courage to offer to give her my number so I could see her when she comes to town (so I could show her around etc), and she eagerly texted me on the spot so as to exchange phone numbers. I texted her something funny the next day and she responded right away and we've been doing that from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is one problem however. I am in my early forties but I look much younger whereby people who don't know usually think I'm in my early thirties. I estimate she must be around 32 years old, 35 max. As I recall I wasn't able to work anything into the conversation that might signal the age difference. I am very concerned she might feel deceived and lose interest or something when she finds out about the difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I signal the difference without her being mortified and thinking I'm some creepy old dude hitting on her? I mean, a lot of women would have no problem with a ~10 year difference, but I imagine many would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should mention I am fairly inexperienced in these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19030" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T15:18:55.173" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T00:25:53.663" Title="How do I tell a love interest I'm probably too old for her?" Tags="&lt;romance&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;&lt;age&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16340" CreationDate="2018-07-10T15:16:05.243" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's often a bumpy road when the relationship changes from parent-&gt;child to two equals. A road that often needs a catalyst like a move-out to even partly function. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;l'm writing here as someone who is on the same path, just a few years ahead of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are probably both somewhat set in your ways with each other. You also want to get along and wish each other only the best, so that's a good foundation to work upon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seek a time for some private conversation with her and tell her how her actions make you feel. In the example you gave, for instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I got out to the garden earlier, you greeted me by stating that I am so white and need some sunlight. You are right, and I know that you only mean the best, but this did not make me feel very good. First, I felt exposed before your friend, making me want to hide back inside. Secondly, it feels as if you want to tell me how to live my life - which instinctively makes me want to do the opposite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I bet you'll discover that this is not what your Mother intended. Try to reach an agreement: When she worries about you, you are available for a direct grown-up talk about her worries. Other than that, she'll have to accept that it's your life and your model of happiness looks different than hers. When you get out of the house next time, you'd rather be greeted with &quot;Hi there!&quot; than &quot;Boy you are so white&quot;. Whenever you feel she is criticizing you through those comments, you'll tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't expect miracles though - she is still your mother and she'll always worry. The occasional comment will slip out. You know how it's meant! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T19:46:57.543" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T19:46:57.543" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16345" CreationDate="2018-07-10T15:19:23.690" Score="301" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;I am too old for her&quot; is a decision, and not one that's yours to make. &quot;She is too young for me&quot; is your decision to make, but it doesn't seem to worry you at all. So assuming you don't want to make her decisions for her, let's rephrase your question to &quot;&lt;strong&gt;How do I tell her my age?&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Look what happens when you make that mental change. When you think about telling her:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'm too old for you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;You're too young for me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;There's a huge age difference&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;These are all full of judgement and negativity and they are stressy to think of disclosing. In contrast, imagine telling her any of these:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'm 43&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I'm left-handed&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I like spaghetti and meatballs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I have an aunt who lives in California&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;These are all just facts. Things you reveal about yourself as the relationship progresses. They just are. They don't change if you hide them; you can't fix them if she objects to them. They just are. Moving your age into this mental category gives you the tools to make it easy to tell her.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a birthday coming up, that's a natural time to mention it. Or a family birthday. You can either directly say &quot;I'm turning 43&quot; or make a joke like &quot;one thing about being in your forties is that even your baby brother is turning 35&quot; - or that your child is 21, or whatever. Work it into a conversation and then that's done, the information is there, she can do with it what she will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have no natural opportunity then you could ask her (perhaps wrapped in a claim that you don't care, eg &quot;I was telling my sister how I unexpectedly enjoyed that flight and met a lovely person, and she asked how old you were and I realized I don't even know! I'm 43, by the way.&quot;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't control her reaction to the simple fact of your age. Don't make a big thing of it and don't conceal it. Get it into the open and see what happens. Enjoy this little gift from the universe of meeting someone and hitting it off so well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T16:00:41.453" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T16:00:41.453" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16348" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16345" CreationDate="2018-07-10T15:29:26.957" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think Kate Gregory's answer is very good. Another thing you could try if you don't want to disclaim your age by a personal anecdote for whatever reason, you could also use cultural patrimony which is clearly dated, e.g. make a joke about &lt;strong&gt;a show which was broadcasted when you were young&lt;/strong&gt;, or &lt;strong&gt;bands you were listening to when you were a teenager&lt;/strong&gt;, aso.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would go for something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you know Katie Holmes is turning 40 this year? We can say she's very well conserved compared to me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives your age in a simple, disinterested way, and lets her the freedom of doing whatever she wants with this piece of information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T15:29:26.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16276" CreationDate="2018-07-10T15:53:31.827" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My strategy here would be to embrace the awkwardness.  You have concerns, but it's quite possible that they're unfounded in the first place.  So say that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, I can show you a nice place to eat.  Just so you know, around here if a man and a woman eat dinner alone together, there are sometimes certain implications.  I'm not suggesting that you're flirting, and I'm unavailable anyways, but I thought you should know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you're communicating your concern, you're shutting down any intention that may be there, you're not lying to anyone, and you're not blaming anyone else.  It also fits in great with your &quot;tour guide&quot; approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T15:53:31.827" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16345" CreationDate="2018-07-10T16:14:29.537" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some questions which I feel will answer your question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't know her age. She may look young like you. How do you know she's early 30s?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why does age matter to her if she didn't ask you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why would she feel deceived if you didn't tell her your age?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What if she loses interest in you because at one time you owned a lizard (making this up, but making the point that she &lt;em&gt;obviously&lt;/em&gt; doesn't know more about you than she knows, so it's absurd to think this is deceiving someone)?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your creepy comment, in your question you implied this wasn't creepy to many women&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I mean, &lt;strong&gt;a lot of women&lt;/strong&gt; would have no problem with a ~10 year difference, but I imagine &lt;strong&gt;many&lt;/strong&gt; would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See the problem in your question? You actually don't know and you imply both groups of &quot;having a problem&quot; and &quot;not having a problem&quot; have a lot or many women in them which seems contradictory. If a woman has a problem with age, wouldn't she ask?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11791" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T16:14:29.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16310" CreationDate="2018-07-10T17:08:09.453" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You two look exactly like my girlfriend and me! She likes to plan things in advance in order to relax, while I'm the opposite. I find organizing things quite stressful, and having a timetable to follow quite suffocating. I want to be able to change plans on the spot: if there's a better opportunity to grab, why do I have to fix my day into a chrystallized structure? Also, my friends are quite like me, we usually all plan things only some hours before meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for weekends, they became our hell. It's the only moment when we don't have to work, so each one of us wants to enjoy it at its most. For her, it means planning in advance what we're going to do so that we can take advantage of every moment; for me, it means it's a time to relax and I don't want it to be contaminated by a stressful activity such as &lt;em&gt;planning&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're still in the process of making things work, but what worked most until now was &lt;strong&gt;having an open communication about our time management preferences&lt;/strong&gt;. These are the key points that help us; they can be explored by the two of you together or separately as &quot;homework&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why do you prefer one way over the other?&lt;/strong&gt; Why do you like (or need) knowing that every Monday at 10 you'll go jogging? Why do you think of a future plan? What will happen if you don't plan it? The opposite questions for him: why does he like about not planning things in advance? What will happen if he plans them? Knowing exactly what you look for when you plan things (control? Shared participation? Relax?) and when he doesn't (freedom? Open possibilities?) will open the route of fulfilling your needs in other ways.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Explore the weaknesses of your own approaches&lt;/strong&gt;. If you've been dating for the last two years, there will be &lt;em&gt;at the very least&lt;/em&gt; one occasion in which the strategy of the other person saved the day. Acknowledging this brings us to the next point.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;One way of acting is not preferable to the other. They are equivalent, just different.&lt;/strong&gt; Do not try to convince your partner that your way of managing time is better. Sure, planning allows to do some things that are not possible with only improvising, as you yourself said; but, on the other end, being able to come up with a plan when something else fails is a good ability. My girlfriend and I are currently in the process of learning the strenghts of the opposite approach.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you say that's important, then that's important. The same is for your partner.&lt;/strong&gt; Understanding &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; something is important is a part of the process, but respecting that something &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; important, even if we don't understand, comes first.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.special-dictionary.com/latin/r/repetita_iuvant.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Repetita iuvant&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Repeating important concepts more than once, in more than one way and one occasion helps the other person to get it better, especially if that one thing is not among their values. Do not get tired of repeating things: what is not grasped with a simile, may be with an example.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other keyword is &lt;strong&gt;compromise&lt;/strong&gt;. For the weekends, we restrict the possible activities to a few and plan a general structure. For instance, we decide that if the weather will be sunny, we'll go to the seaside, or, if we end up waking up late, to a park. Or we decide that we'll meet some friends at happy hour: this means that the previous activity, whatever that will be, will have to end at 18:30 maximum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, since I know that having things planned in advance relaxes my partner, sometimes I put myself in her shoes and I propose plans. Sometimes it's the opposite, and it's my partner that does not mention future plans for a short period of time (an afternoon, a day).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the weekends off, &lt;strong&gt;agree on them&lt;/strong&gt; instead of being subjected to the decision of your partner. Don't be passive to his request. The weekend time is stressful for you as well: why not take this time for you and plan the day exactly as you want? Without somebody that does not like planning, you will be able to do many things!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T17:08:09.453" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16292" CreationDate="2018-07-10T18:18:26.793" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;@TheRealLester had the basics of it, and your comment fills in the other half.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to the university, make sure they know you don't want to be paired with them - from your comment it sounds like that takes care of the actual &quot;get new roommates&quot; side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, you have a few options on how to handle your current roomies. If you're not particularly close to any of them, I'd suggest leaving it at &quot;don't ask, don't tell&quot;. They'll find out when they show up in September and there's someone else there. There doesn't seem to be a pressing need to tell them beforehand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if they ask (either before year end or when they run into you on campus next year), you can leave it with &quot;I made other arrangements&quot;. I wouldn't even blame you for a white lie of &quot;Oh yeah, I sent it in/ yeah, campus musta screwed it up - but I'm already moved in, so I'll stay put&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19599" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T18:18:26.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16355" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16356" CreationDate="2018-07-10T19:05:30.923" Score="4" ViewCount="15358" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have faced this condition in past also,  but i will ask this with respect to a recent experience I had. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won at an event in my office and was rewarded with a gift. After this people (including ones i am not so acquainted) comes to me and asks &quot;when is the party man?&quot;,  &quot;when/where is the treat?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am thinking this maybe a casual question that comes first to their minds in situation like this (After the event when they see me near water cooler for example) and they don't really expect me to give them a treat or throw a party. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But how do I respond to these questions? I really don't have any clue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks in advance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edits&lt;/strong&gt; : &#xA;(1) I won an amazon gift card in a paper presentation contest,  More like an idea presentation contest.&#xA;(First among six participants in a ~100 people company)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5449" LastEditorUserId="5449" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T06:12:37.377" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T06:12:37.377" Title="How to respond when people ask for treat (or party) but doesn't really want it?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-12-17T16:30:47.977" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16355" CreationDate="2018-07-10T19:54:35.697" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have worked in offices were they provided rewards for metrics. More notably this is usually done in call centers to keep people motivated in my experience. With that being said, it depends on the reward. If it's, say, a lunch pizza party for your department, I am sure some are asking in hopes you invite them along (usually more aimed at friends who are in other departments than random people you have not met).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other times it's just people generally curious. I have been on both sides of the court for this one. When I have asked others similar questions, it was because we were in a mutual break location and they happened to be someone who was brought to the attention of the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh hey! You are the one who won this month's reward! When are you going to do it? (or even ask where if it's a lunch with the boss).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing is really implied by me asking and I am sure others as well. It's mostly a topic to chat about while taking a drink or hitting the vending machine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people are new to the company and they want to find out if these rewards are really worth working towards so they ask about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You never really know what the motivation behind the asking is, but most of the time it's just harmless chatter for a quick break. When I have been asked the question, I usually just reply with the truth! If they ask these things the day I was rewarded:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh hey! yea that was me! I don't know yet. Since it's something for my dept/team, I want to make sure the others are around too and I haven't had a chance to talk to them yet. Looking forward though to eating some Pizza from Valencia's though! Favorite pizza in the area! Have you won before? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if it's more of a 1 on 1 lunch treat&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh hey! Yea that was me! The boss usually like's to take us to Durant down the street. He usually makes the plans for Fridays but we have yet to talk about it! Have you won before?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just simple office chatter. Maybe some of them are jealous of it, but again, you can't really know people's true motives. All you can do is just go with it and chalk it up to office chat.  If it's a few days after the reward I would usually reply letting them know the plans. There really is no harm in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a group thing and someone tries to sneak in, the person who doesn't belong is usually turned away... but I have also been invited to grab some food from a department party where there were too much food. Either way, that's something out of your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So again, I would just go with it, answer like idle office chatter and have some fun. There are a lot of reasons why people ask, and usually, they are not malicious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&#xA;Now that I am more aware of the prize due to your edit, it's still likely people are just trying to give you friendly banter. Any time someone wins a giftcard, it's usually a common joke people throw out about &quot;where's the party&quot; implying you will use the gift card to spend on the team. It's more jokes than anything, but I am sure some mean it down inside somewhere. Again, you can only control your response to them and you can't control other's jealousy. Just have fun with it and kindly dismiss yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Party? (jokingly) No way man, that amazon giftcard is going towards me buying a new coffee maker on amazon!&#xA;  Just have some fun with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T20:48:30.530" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T20:48:30.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16334" CreationDate="2018-07-10T19:59:45.573" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is going to be uncomfortable, for the both of you. Albeit, it'd be so much more uncomfortable for her if you never told her and she had to find out on her own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you tell her you have something important to say, and lead with the fact that it may be uncomfortable. Explain your concern, about what you've felt, and explain that it may be minor. Suggest that you'd feel much better if she were to have them examined, out of concern for her health and safety. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19603" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T19:59:45.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16358" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16370" CreationDate="2018-07-10T20:03:18.107" Score="4" ViewCount="2117" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have grown up in a very athletic household. Every season, a different sport. On vacation, our family would constantly be biking around, swimming at the beach, skiing in the winter, hiking in the spring and fall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Growing up, I resented this, but today I am incredibly grateful for the passion for sports, athletics, and outdoors that my mother and father instilled in me. Growing up, I was a bit chubby, but now I have found sports that I love, that fit my lifestyle, that allow me to be in good health and great athletic condition. I am happier, healthier, more confident, and more comfortable in my own skin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father is an incredibly blunt and forceful type A personality. A leader at work and at home, he expects obedience in all facets of life. He has an idea of how every person around him could change to suit his liking. He is a loving, caring, and good man at heart, but with a very &quot;my way or the highway&quot; philosophy. I again used to clash with this during high school, but have since come around to many of his points of view, acknowledging that he is right in many cases, despite his harsh and tactless delivery. Living and interacting with him, I have been forced to learn how to work and communicate around problems I cannot face head on, around people I cannot change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister is much more like my father. She is strong willed, hard working, intelligent, and motivated. She has always clashed with my father due to their unwillingness to compromise and make peace. She has a good job, a good boyfriend (my father would disagree of course), a good degree, and is happier than ever. However, she has always been a big, much like I was growing up. After high school, she stopped participating in high intensity athletics, and has gained some weight. Out of our family, she is the only one who is not in good shape, the only one who does not participate in high intensity athletics 4+ times a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is obviously uncomfortable with this, and tries hard to be healthy (to limited effect). Every time my sister comes home for holidays, there is conflict on this front. My father will bluntly and honestly tell her that she could lose some weight, that it is unhealthy, etc. This leads to big fights, where my sister will yell about how dare he bring it up, how hard she tries, etc, and my mother will come in to protect her kid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father blames my mother for being an enabler, and it hurts their relationship. It obviously hurts the relationship between my father and sister, who otherwise have been getting along much better since she moved out. It hurts my relationship with my father, as this behavior is unacceptable and uncivil.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I do not want to tell my sister what to do. I do not want to tell her how to live her life. I do want to resolve this conflict that is damaging my family&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Solution&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By (the absolutely crazy) American standards, my sister would not be considered particularly fat. However, I am sure she wants to lose weight and be healthier. She has stated to me personally, and to my family at large, that that is a goal of hers. My father wants this, I want this, it would be a good thing. However, I believe this conflict makes it less likely that my sister will be able to make this transition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot change what my father will do, what he will say, how he will act. It is not feasible, and I do not wish to attempt to due to the conflict it will cause. I don't really know how to move forward. I am worried that any attempt to reach out to my sister on the subject will immediately be interpreted as an action of my father (and she would be right, he has often asked me to take his side) and rejected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a solution to this problem? I have thought about talking about my own experience, changing my diet, my portion sizes, and finding athletics that I enjoy, but I don't know if it will work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The easiest solution is for my sister to cut contact with my father. It is what I had planned to do when I was in the same situation. Is there a solution that will not damage our family (however deserving this damage is)?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'd also like to say that I have been largely silent on the issue, not attacking my sister as is implied in several answers. I would like to intervene, but I do not know how.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; If there is anything I can do to improve this question, please let me know. Please do not downvote without giving me the opportunity to improve my question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1696" LastEditorUserId="1696" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T13:49:29.700" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T23:26:30.783" Title="How can I safely talk with my sister about her health?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16345" CreationDate="2018-07-10T20:06:04.797" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Please, do not be concerned about this! Do something to get to know this lady and see if things can work out between you two. I am a nearly 30-year-old woman, very much in love with a man who is 20 years older than me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don´t care about his age at all (in terms of that being a problem). In my opinion we are a great match; I have never met anyone I would feel so comfortable and happy with. But I suspect it is him who has age difference issues, perhaps preventing us from being together...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19604" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2018-07-16T00:25:53.663" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T00:25:53.663" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14742" CreationDate="2018-07-10T20:20:38.280" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My girlfriend has anxiety issues for which she currently is&#xA;  prescribed medication. The medication helps but she still struggles&#xA;  with social occasions,&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Says this is more than just introversion.  This is disabling social anxiety. Her medication is not doing the job.  It's worthwhile reflecting this back to her treating doctor so they can adjust her medications. Adding a medication 'as needed for social occasions' might make it easier for her to function. After all, we all occasionally get into situations like that, and avoiding them all is just too restricting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12381" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T20:20:38.280" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16345" CreationDate="2018-07-10T20:47:18.180" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't worry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The difference between your and her physical age is about ten years. What really matters is difference between your mental ages. maybe you are little younger and she is older making the mismatch negligible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were &quot;creepy old dude hitting on her&quot; you would push more to score and mask your actual age. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose the flight chit-chat was something neutral and entertaining both of you. Nothing like sneaky bedwards attack. Maybe she already realised you are interested in her, not scoring her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Continue in that natural and relaxed tone and if you are really worried about your age, as allready suggested, make funny remarks on your age. &quot;When I was young and coal bloomed I watched/listened to X&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wrote you would like to show her your town. &quot;You know, when I was at college this cafe just opened.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T20:47:18.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16365" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16345" CreationDate="2018-07-10T20:50:38.170" Score="78" Body="&lt;p&gt;It’s not much of an answer—Kate Gregory’s is much more useful—but it’s “answer-ish” and I don’t think it’s appropriate for a comment, &lt;em&gt;so:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;You are blowing the age gap out of proportion&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am thirty, and a very good friend of mine, younger than me, is marrying a man older than you next month. We couldn’t be happier for her: he’s an incredible guy, and so many kinds of perfect for her. Were we &lt;em&gt;surprised&lt;/em&gt; she decided to date a man so much older? Yes, we were. Was it ever a &lt;em&gt;problem?&lt;/em&gt; No, it was not. It’s only a problem when it actually causes a problem: no harm, no foul.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don’t hide your age or anything, but don’t make a big deal about it, either. She’s an adult, and not even barely so or anything: she can make her own choices. She probably &lt;em&gt;hasn’t&lt;/em&gt; totally missed it; she may not be aware of the specifics, and she may be thinking the gap is somewhat smaller than it is, but she’s &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; aware that you are older, and by a fair bit. It’s not likely to be a complete shock to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the biggest problem with larger age gaps is the differing life experiences, expectations, and plans of each party. Those differences are a lot smaller between 32 and 43 than they are between 21 and 32—a 21-year-old is possibly fresh out of college, possibly still living with parents or only just moved out, and so on. The “adult world” that is so new to the 21-year-old has been something the 32-year-old has been dealing with for a decade. Their life experiences are very different. Shift it back further—an 18-year-old with a 29-year-old, say, to keep this 11-year gap—and that gets much much larger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But 32 vs. 43? You have a decade more experience than she does, and that’s substantial, but at those ages it’s a difference of &lt;em&gt;quantity&lt;/em&gt; rather than &lt;em&gt;quality&lt;/em&gt;—you have both experienced the “real world” for quite some time, so even if you have more of that experience she’s not &lt;em&gt;inexperienced&lt;/em&gt;. That matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But really, even that only matters so much. I might advise more caution for the 32-year-old interested in a 21-year-old (and more still for the 29-year-old with the 18-year-old), but those relationships still &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; work, even if it’s harder. Again, no harm, no foul: those people are welcome to try it to see if it can work for them. And so can you, and while obviously every relationship is &lt;em&gt;far&lt;/em&gt; from guaranteed, any impediment caused by your difference in age should be quite a lot less than the same gap might have been if you were each younger. So if it’s not a problem for you, don’t assume it’s a problem for her—that is at risk of being a self-fulfilling prophecy. Give the relationship a chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2667" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T20:58:53.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16265" CreationDate="2018-07-10T21:07:55.370" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been with my wife for 41 terrific years. We almost broke up several times, and what helps keep relationships going is improving communication around conflict. The Gottman institute has some great, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gottman.com/blog/state-of-the-union-meeting-will-strengthen-your-relationship-heres-how-to-start-yours/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;evidence-based advice for couples&lt;/a&gt;. They have &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gottman.com/blog/one-conversation-new-parents-need-stay-connected/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;specific stuff about 'new baby' situations.&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, relationships succeed if they have 5x positive vs. negative interactions.  There's a temptation to only talk about problems, and not the positives, so one of Gottman's great pieces of advice is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Before starting, name five things your partner did for you over the&#xA;  past week that you appreciate.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;THEN you can make &quot;I statements,&quot; like &quot;It bothers me that we're fighting so much, and I want to make things better. I found this resource online about how to make it easier to talk about things. I'd like to try it.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to be able to talk to my husband without him becoming&#xA;  defensive and thinking I'm an enemy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was a great book about conflict in relationships called &quot;The Intimate Enemy; how to fight fair in love and marriage,&quot; covering much of the same material, now out of print, but still can be found in libraries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12381" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T21:07:55.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16265" CreationDate="2018-07-10T21:30:58.390" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When he is defensive, obviously he is little behind his expectations. When asked on performance, he compares all his actual work (career, you and the kid) with his expected work and conclude he is failing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask him about his general feelings instead. &quot;Ain't it exhausting?&quot; &quot;Wanna a sip of coffee?&quot; Let him to answer this question without asking directly and belittle his feeling of failure, the delay is not that bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe he is defensive because he expects that you want him to work. Either on earning (more) money or with your daughter. &quot;Katie is finally sleeping well, are you busy?&quot; diffuse the daddy-duties while your positive tone (if possible) can diffuse the other &quot;attack&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe he wants to be with you and Katie more, but his work is preventing from that. And while defensive he is shouting &quot;Why are you asking whether I want to be with you. I do want but those bloody papers make me stuck there instead!&quot; When Katie is calm and happy go visit him playing asking her about him. &quot;Look daddy is having hard day, can we make him smile?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;VWFeature reminded me of one diffusing &quot;tool&quot; that solves a lot. Be thankful for everything he is doing for you (both singular and plural) and let him know that. Do not take anything for granted. That little &quot;thank you&quot; can recharge the batteries a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastEditorUserId="9991" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T21:36:56.867" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T21:36:56.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16358" CreationDate="2018-07-10T21:44:24.397" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;My 2 cents:&#xA;I have and currently am in the same boat as your sister. My mom is extremely athletic, but my dad and sister are also extremely not. I grew up doing varisty everything and like your sister, quit everything cold turkey in college (also due to injuries). I gained weight, a lot more than probably your sister did. I have been trying for a decade now to lose it, but reoccurring injuries and health problems have prevented it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have greatly &lt;strong&gt;appreciated the support from my parents&lt;/strong&gt;, particularly my mom. Instead of her encouraging me to try and being positive, she takes a &lt;strong&gt;negative approach for encouragement&lt;/strong&gt;. I have even been slapped in the back of the head by her once (lightly but still know her intent) and asked me why I can't look like one of those well-built rugby players on TV. It has been a point of constant harass even if they think they are intending to be well and look out for my health. &lt;strong&gt;It is not your choice to decide how my body looks.&lt;/strong&gt; If I decide I am done with athletics and want to be heavy, then that is my choice. If I want to start working out again, that is my choice. But that is a choice that you guys cannot decide for her. &lt;strong&gt;All you are doing is body shaming her&lt;/strong&gt; in hopes that you break her into listening to you guys. Maybe that works for you, but it clearly does not work for your sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;strong&gt;if you want to truly help her, start with LISTENING to her.&lt;/strong&gt; Find out what she has tried, offer suggestions on routines to change up. Suggest various activities she might like. But listen to her. If she says she doesn't like CrossFit, then don't force her to do CrossFit. If she mentions how she likes running, suggest helping her come up with a running routine for her to do. Be &lt;strong&gt;attentive&lt;/strong&gt; to her and &lt;strong&gt;SUPPORTIVE&lt;/strong&gt;. If there is a week she misses because life got in the way, don't yell at her, support her with positive encouragement to get back at it. If there was a day she wanted to run 10 miles but only ran 3, congratulate her for going out on a run and doing the best she could for that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stuff like that keeps people motivated and encouraged. Losing weight is one of the hardest things there is in life for those of us with normal/slow metabolism. It takes years to remove what sometimes takes only a short couple of months to put on. Why would someone want to struggle to lose weight, deal with the disappointment and stress of not seeing the scale move, and then turn around and get harassed by her entire family? It's not worth it and anyone's motivation and will would break easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be the brother she needs. Supportive, positive, encouraging. As a comment said, how do you even know she wants to lose weight? You are again assuming that for her. Having a healthy lifestyle doesn't mean they want a 6 pack. So again find out what her goals are, her honest goals are and not the goals she feels pressured to say because it's expected of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T21:44:24.397" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16340" CreationDate="2018-07-10T22:44:21.213" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your mother is simply the common type which has not managed to cut the ties to her offspring. As you write yourself, she does it for all of you, and for any of your decisions. She still sees you as her baby, and probably identifies very strongly with you and your sibling(s), to the extent that she cannot stomach you getting hurt, you feeling pain, or whatever negative things may happen to you. She also seems to project her own feelings/opinions strongly onto you, and your experiences back to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know such a mother myself, and my first piece of advice would be to not expect her to change, no matter what you do and no matter how old you get. You are 21 now, and probably your puberty is behind you, so you will not change that much - why should she?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my second advice would be to move out of your parents house as soon as you can; live your own life, and be strong when you meet her every once in a while,  and when (not if) she does it over and over again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Onto the IPS advice: first and foremost, be calm and relaxed. You are asking &amp;quot;How can I get my mom to accept me being X&amp;quot;. This is, generally speaking, not possible, and the wrong mindset. Try to reframe your question like &amp;quot;How can I stay calm and relaxed when my mom treats me like Y&amp;quot;. Concrete examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;saying I'm white and that I could use some sunlight&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How about&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;laugh good-heartedly&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;You're absolutely right, I feel like a vampire already... I better go back into the house immediately before I burn up!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;just ignore the sentence&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hi mom&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hello friend-of-hers, how are you... I'm feeling awful, my last beer in the pub yesterday must have been off. Friday evenings are hard...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I fully appreciate that it is hard to come up with such things on the spot, especially if your &amp;quot;shields were down&amp;quot; and your mother's comment hit the mark. You write that you stayed calm, but obviously you were not, inside, or you would not have posted here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Staying calm does not mean that you force all external reactions away, but that you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt;, inside your mind, understand and accept that your mother simply does what she &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; do. She certainly does not do it just to annoy you. She is neither bad, or mad. Many of us are on auto-pilot in everyday situations, and many also are not especially emphatic about what their words mean for other people. This is normal, will happen all your life, and the earlier you get used to it, the better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A general advice is to think about &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; someone says such semi-offending things. Understanding the other person often helps to be more relaxed about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T22:44:21.213" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16374" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16340" CreationDate="2018-07-10T23:49:17.103" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm glad to hear that you know that your mother loves you and that you want to remain in a good relationship with her, that's a great start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I suspect is happening here is that both you and your mother:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;are overconfident about the best way for you to live, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;have given up attempting to persuade the other of the merits of your position (not least because you are overconfident in your own position) and have resorted to lobbing suggestions and/or complaints at each other. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To explain, your mother has great confidence that if you live the way she lives, your life will be better (which is what she wants for you - to have a better life) and she cannot believe that your current life choices could be better than the ones she has made. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, however, have great confidence that you have already optimised your life and have no need of change so you're not interested in hearing what she has to say - you can't believe that her suggestions are worth trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you both need, I suspect, is the humility to question whether the other person might be right or, at least, might be partly right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't force your mother to do this, but you can certainly do it for yourself. If you accepted some or all of your mother's advice, would your life be better? Could, for instance, your health be improved if you exercised more, saw more sunshine or spent more time with people in person rather than through a screen? Is it worth trying her suggestions (e.g. exercising for an hour a day, say) for a period of time to see whether you enjoy them and benefit from them? i.e. do you have the humilty to respect your mother's greater life experience and at least &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt; what she's suggesting for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after doing this you remain confident of some or all of your current life choices, could you possibly spend more effort explaining to her how your current life choices are not as bad as she believes them to be (and provides benefits that she cannot see), rather than angrily rejecting her advice (and ultimately rejecting her)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way of saying all of this is that instead of trying to 'manage' your mother (by finding ways to ignore her advice and ultimately her), I suggest that you try to love your mother by actually relating properly to her. Part of this would be to spend more time with her (which she would love) if you can find a way to do this that both of you would enjoy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Family is for life - use this as an opportunity to get closer rather than to move further apart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8029" LastEditorUserId="8029" LastEditDate="2018-07-10T23:57:49.153" LastActivityDate="2018-07-10T23:57:49.153" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16375" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16319" CreationDate="2018-07-11T00:34:38.403" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm thinking that this is the relationship equivalent of taking a bottle of nitroglycerin and shaking it with all of the force you can muster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really need to make sure that your girlfriend is 110% agreeable to you having any goings-on with anybody else, prior to even exploring the possibility with your friend. You didn't mention whether she knows that you're bi-curious; if she doesn't, it will be something that she will want to learn from &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; telling her. Don't put too much hope into her agreeing to this; while many people would like to play around, not nearly as many people are comfortable with their partner playing around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't bet the farm on your friend agreeing to this. There is the very real possibility that broaching the topic will having a negative impact on your friendship. You didn't say what his attitude is on the topic of sex with another man; he may think it's completely off-putting, or simply not something he'd find enjoyable, and he might be unable to remain friends with any man who is not 100% straight. Many people don't like being the object of a sexual interest that they aren't able to reciprocate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not believe that your friend's girlfriend is comfortable with this unless and until she looks you in the eye and says so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, be prepared for the first instance of enjoying the benefits with the friend causing either your guy friend, your girlfriend, or your guy friend's girlfriend to want to have nothing more to do with you or anybody else involved. This can happen even if all three of them swear by the tombs of their ancestors that they approve of this adventure you are contemplating. People can be funny about these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Addendum&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is somewhat relevant: If you are in a relationship, and are thinking of &lt;em&gt;altering the deal&lt;/em&gt;, you must either make your partner the very first person you raise the topic with, or you do absolutely nothing along these lines for the duration of the relationship. It's a breach of trust to do otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19084" LastEditorUserId="19084" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T04:54:31.027" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T04:54:31.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16314" CreationDate="2018-07-11T01:03:57.680" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your sisters are adults now. As adults, they don't have to listen to you, or to their elders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;advise&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; them that you think this isn't in their best interests, as can your parents. You can't &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;tell&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; them though, because you do not have that authority over them. If they feel you're trying to tell them what to do, they may (rightly) get annoyed. And if this is a pattern of behaviour, they may well take steps to avoid conflict, like lying about what they are doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can refuse to socialize with their friends - after all, their friends don't have to be your friends, or vice versa. You can refuse to support their late night parties, and if they spend all their money or are tired the next day, it's fine to not be sympathetic. You're entitled to disagree with them. But they're also entitled to disagree with you, and you need to accept that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I'll assume here that you don't live in a country such as Taliban-controlled Afghanistan or Saudi Arabia, in which male family members do have a legal right to treat female family members as owned property. Or if you do live in such a country, that you see the evil in treating another human being in that way, and you don't intend to do that! That is what &lt;em&gt;toxic&lt;/em&gt; really looks like...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T01:03:57.680" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16378" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16380" CreationDate="2018-07-11T01:32:26.220" Score="9" ViewCount="1901" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in a happily monogamous relationship. I also am friends with someone I used to date. My friend and I generally void the subject of dating/romance now because it can be a sore subject that stirs up feelings. I hope in time that this restriction will ease up as we adjust to just being friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if my friend is aware of my relationship status. Several months ago I mentioned I was seeing someone but it was only a couple sentences. Similarly, she's only mentioned once having gone on some dates after us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The situation and goals&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently she proposed about going out hiking and possibly camping. I'd like to go and my girlfriend is fine with it too. I would however like to avoid a few things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't really want to rub my relationship in my friend's face. If mentioned at all it should be done delicately and not at length.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to reject my friend if she makes any advances, in order to avoid hurting her feelings or thinking it's anything to do with her at all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to imply my friend wants to resume a romantic or sexual relationship as I have no reason to suspect this is more than moderately likely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, this suggests that I need to indicate that I'm not available in some gentle fashion, either preemptively or if an advance is made. I'm not sure which approach is better or how to best do either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am open to using the (true) angle that I value our friendship so much that I'd rather not risk it with a fling. But that is probably best used reactively so as not to come across as presumptuous and still leaves open the objection that a serious relationship would be a viable option (which I think it would be, were I single).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify my feelings about a relationship with her in response to answers and comments, I simply mean that I like her far too much as a person to risk the friendship for a casual romance and, hypothetically, would only consider her for friendship or a serious romantic relationship that aimed to be lifelong. For practical reasons, I don't think a lifelong romance is possible here and I don't harbor any hopes of changing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the context of camping together, how do I let her know that I'm romantically unavailable without causing upset?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm open to frame challenges that don't involve me avoiding my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12540" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T17:38:43.427" Title="How to signal unavailability for a romantic or sexual relationship without elaborating on relationship status or personally rejecting someone?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16379" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16378" CreationDate="2018-07-11T01:50:39.247" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Casually mention your new partner in the course of conversation, maybe more than once. Your new relationship never has to be the focus of conversation. The assumption is that your ex will be respectful of your new relationship and will thus not 'try anything'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe during camping trip planning you can talk about needing to borrow a piece of gear from your new partner. (This could be a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/white%20lie&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;white lie&lt;/a&gt;, but its easier if its the truth)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't have a second water bottle, but my partner might, I'll ask them if I can borrow it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no focus of conversation on your new relationship, but you have still conveyed the fact that you have a partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of other questions with very similar premises to yours on IPS already. This is the go to answer to gently and indirectly rejecting/preventing unwanted romantic attention. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T01:50:39.247" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16378" CreationDate="2018-07-11T02:31:18.433" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ya... I'm going to have to challenge the premise here, sorry about that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what I usually call &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=back%20burnered&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;back-burnering&quot;&lt;/a&gt; and it's not really a great thing to do. You have your new relationship that's on the front burner, it's sizzling hot and you're mixing it up, but you're keeping this other thing slowly simmering on the back burner for later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I say that it isn't a great thing to do, is because it's not an entirely honest thing to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You admit in your post that the only reason you're not open to a relationship with the friend/ex is the new relationship: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... a serious relationship would be a viable option (which I think it would be, were I single).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would your new partner feel about that? If you were really completely happy and satisfied you probably wouldn't be entertaining that idea right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also not really being honest with the friend/ex. You're trying to manage their feelings for you. This may not be as bad as it sounds, you could really just be trying to spare their feelings, or you could be trying to maintain the image of being date-able at a future date which is less noble when you're omitting facts to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also looks like you may not be being entirely honest with yourself about what you really want or expect out of these relationships. Keeping someone on the back burner is usually a strong sign that you still have feelings for them and/or that you have doubts about your current relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... Why am I saying what I'm saying? Because at different points I've been in all three positions and it usually ended badly for everyone involved. The truth nearly always comes out eventually; hearts get broken, people are disappointed, and nobody gets what they really wanted. Nobody likes to be on the back burner, few people like it when their partner has feelings for someone else, and if you play the game too long you may find that they both move on without you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to give your new relationship an honest chance, let the ex go. You can be friends, but friends are honest with each other about their relationships. If you want to pursue something with the ex, break it off with the new girlfriend first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Technicalities rarely matter when it comes to love, and emotional infidelities can hurt as much if not more than sexual infidelities.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="16487" LastEditDate="2018-07-15T12:40:31.883" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T12:40:31.883" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16378" CreationDate="2018-07-11T02:38:38.837" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Might want to make it clear they you're currently in a relationship and you're not looking for anything with your ex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping a just-friends relationship is possible but if she tries anything during the camping trip you have to not just let it slide or seem to take it lightly as she might think you still have thoughts about her or there might be a chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any development which you don't want or approve off should be treated with all seriousness such as cutting the camping trip short or even clear verbal and non-verbal affirmation about the behavior which you don't want her to be doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T02:38:38.837" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16378" CreationDate="2018-07-11T02:42:21.687" Score="12" Body="&lt;h1&gt;You're not being honest.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plain and simple. You're not being honest with your girlfriend, that you want to foster this friendship with your ex who you'd &amp;quot;be in a serious relationship with, were you single.&amp;quot; You're not being honest with your ex, that you're interested in a serious relationship with her. And most importantly, you're not being honest with yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you want both your ex and your current partner, but that's not something that's possible and you're lying to yourself thinking you can continue to juggle this. You're playing with fire, one foot in and one foot out. Dancing around the lines trying not to tell your ex you're in a relationship and trying not to let your current partner know how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in a situation like this before and--spoiler alert--it doesn't end well for &lt;strong&gt;anyone&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to sit down and think long and hard about what you want. Do you want to continue growing the relationship you're in? Do you want to end your current relationship and try things again with your ex? &lt;strong&gt;You can't have both&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for right now though...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Do not go on this camping trip.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you decide that you're willing to break it off with your current partner, do not go on the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're having trouble bringing up your current partner around your friend now and you're struggling to turn her down so much that you're posting here for help, &lt;strong&gt;you will not be able to handle yourself alone with her for that amount of time&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if she ignores any of the subtle hints we tell you to give her and makes an advance anyways, would you be able to turn her down? What if she starts pushing your boundaries and seeing how much she can flirt when she's alone with you? Will you be able to tell her to stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't sound like you will. And it sounds like this may be something you can see happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be with this girl, that's perfectly fine! But you need to accept that and be honest with yourself. Don't go into this with one foot in and one foot out, people will only get hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T02:42:21.687" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16385" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16319" CreationDate="2018-07-11T04:20:13.363" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are three issues with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Friends with benefits is not the same thing as cheating on one's S.O. -- so you aren't sure that he is okay with it in the first place&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While he may be open to the idea of having sexual reltions with people he isn't in a relationship, that may just be when he isn't in a relationship, because at that time he has no obligation to remain loyal to someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. While he is open to FWB, that doesn't mean it will extend to members of the same sex.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While many things can be performed by either gender, some things in sex are gender specific. He may have a very strong preference, and may not be open to the idea at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. You are both in relationships, so you would both be cheating on your girlfriends.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it doesn't directly affect your relationship with this friend, it may very well affect your relationship with your girlfriend. Most people would not approve of their partner having outside sexual relations. If he was caught by his girlfriend, and it turns out badly, he may very well resent you for bringing up the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is opposed to any of these things, then just you bringing up the idea may ruin your relationship with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are fine with the consequences to the points above, and really want to try some things out, then you may go through with it. However, it doesn't seem to have a high chance of working out well with the information given above. Unless you can solve the issues above, I can't recommend going through with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18594" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T04:20:13.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16345" CreationDate="2018-07-11T07:25:03.830" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am very concerned she might feel deceived and lose interest or something when she finds out about the difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can either tell her about it now and risk losing a potential relationship, or hide it and risk destroying an established relationship later. Which one would be worse for both of you? Would you be comfortable and honest and your true self in a relationship that is potentially built on a lie?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should tell her as soon as possible, and NOT via a text message. Face-to-face - the next time she's in your area - would be best, failing that a phone call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know how difficult it is to potentially torpedo a relationship that seems like it could be something special, especially if you're a lonely heart - but dishonesty is far more likely to kill any relationship than just a number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9299" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T07:25:03.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16314" CreationDate="2018-07-11T07:58:17.643" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(I come from Europe, so the following may seem foreign to you)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot decide who your adult sisters choose as friends.  You &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt;, however, try to affect your relationship with them.  They are going to move out soon.  The things you do today can decide whether they will still be family or strangers afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You believe that your sisters' unwanted behaviour come from these friends.  That might not be the case.  They might have decided their behaviour on their own and then chosen friends that agree with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of the problem is respect.  Your sisters don't give you and your parent the respect you think they should.  In the west it is a saying that respect has to be earned.  Have you earned their respect?  The most important part of earning that respect is that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; must respect &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that you owe your sisters an apology. Something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I remember too well the time when you were children.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Because of that I have been treating you like children.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  But you are now adults.  I need to remember that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I am sorry for treating you like children.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Can we start over, as adults and equals?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  We are still family, and I still love you, and I would deeply regret&#xA;  losing contact with you over this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know your family, so I don't know how things are between you today, but here are how things should be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You must accept that their friends are important to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They must accept that you don't like these friends.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You must accept that they are busy.  The things they do are important to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They must accept that for the family to stay a family, they need to spend &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; time together with you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They must accept that if they make a promise, such as spending a day with you, they need to keep that promise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You must also keep your promises to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They must accept that lying is not acceptable. They may have secrets. They may refuse to answer questions, but they &lt;em&gt;must not lie&lt;/em&gt; to you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they refuse to answer questions, you must accept that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You must not lie to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You must never accuse them of anything without good proof.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If your parent keep treating them as children, you should take their side and gently remind your parent that they are now adults.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4713" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T07:58:17.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16391" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-11T11:23:53.087" Score="1" ViewCount="857" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I was at an academic conference where I met a famous academic in my area during the banquet dinner. However, for some reason I haven't recognised the name and the physical figure of the person (he looks different in the picture that usually comes attached in the &quot;about the authors&quot; section at the end of a paper). If I had, the discussion would've went to other routes as I have many questions about his work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I would like to write a follow-up email to this person. &lt;strong&gt;What would be a way to apologise for not recognising the (asian) name? Would be appropriate to do this? or it's just a waste of time?&lt;/strong&gt; I may have questions for this person in the future with regards to his work since it is related to my work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2358" LastEditorUserId="2358" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T14:01:44.620" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T14:47:38.500" Title="How to apologise for not recognising someone" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-11T23:43:25.960" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16392" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16396" CreationDate="2018-07-11T11:28:43.333" Score="37" ViewCount="14352" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife is having a friend stay over with us at the end of the month for a visit. The friend asked if she could bring her new (~2 months) boyfriend along as well. We are not comfortable with this for multiple reasons. In order of importance to us:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We have never met this guy before, and we aren’t comfortable with him sleeping in the room next to our two year old. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My wife feels that it would be more entertaining and less catching up with her friend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They may opt (or request) to sleep in the same room together, something that we aren’t comfortable with in our house. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told my wife that she needs to be honest with her friend, but she is worried about her friend interpreting this as not trusting her judgement in men, which isn’t the case. &lt;strong&gt;How does my wife explain that we would prefer that her friend not bring her boyfriend on an overnight trip to our house, without (or minimally) damaging the relationship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional context: it would be one night spent at our house. My wife is also in the 8th month of pregnancy, which the friend knows about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user19640" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T16:56:20.640" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T03:46:37.567" Title="How to explain that we are not comfortable with a new boyfriend staying at our house?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16393" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12491" CreationDate="2018-07-11T11:31:44.040" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Avoiding eyes contact is not a good sign, but there is always a way.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;First don't make her uncomfortable, let her decide what she wants, either to spend a One Night Stand with you, or to have a nice holidays.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Be sure that any push from you will end by ruining everything and maybe losing even contact with her ! (I was in this situation before).&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I liked alot of advices from previous answer, and here I tried to summarize:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make your best to let her feel like she's by her own, let her be comfortable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In the first minute she comes to your home, show her the rooms, let her choose the bed she likes to sleep, and also the bed and the room you'll take.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you are walking outside with her, try to take her hand but a nice way (without ruining everything).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep contact on her eyes while talking to her, but don't be too rude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In the night, ask if she wants to watch a movie with you, and choose a romantic one you've already watched without telling her this point, and let her feel you're interesting on some romantic scenes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep your door half-open when sleeping, and let her know that with telling her that she can come to you when she is scared or she needs something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In the end it is a matter of taste, I mean if she is really interesting in ONS with you, she'll find a way in the end to get it even if you are not interesting ! (girls are always like that, they find a way doesn't matter how impossible it is).&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Don't forget that if may be not working this time, but at least try to win her trust, so you can build on it in the future ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T11:31:44.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16358" CreationDate="2018-07-11T11:38:41.333" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am sorry to have to frame-challenge you here but: The way I see it, the only way to truly solve this conflict is  to make your father accept minimum standards of human rights and of decency. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It´s your Sisters right as a human being to live her live as she chooses. If she wants to be fat, let her be fat. If she wants to be thin support her. Support means: Help, when asked to - not force yourself upon her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sure it´s your and your fathers right to voice your opinion. From what you told us, that opinion has been well heard. Everything beyond that is just plain harassment. Remember, if you hurt somebody it does not really matter if it´s in good faith - it hurts just the same. You know this, your father knows this - so stop it or it becomes just plain evil.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the way I see it you can either stand up for your sister - just like I´m sure you would do with any outsider bully - and show your father where the line is in decent human behavior or you can stand aside an watch the spectacle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you somehow forced your sister into compliance with the BMI-issue you wont have solved the conflict. Your father will surely find the next thing to criticize. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;As per your Edits, again: Your father is part of the problem so he must be part of the solution. If you deem that as impossible, the conflict is impossible to solve. Cutting contact may be the next best option as to freeze and minimize damage. Again, that would be your sisters decision and you can only support her when she does.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can do to get better access to your sister, is to show her that you support her and accept her no matter what she chooses to be right for herself. Only through this you can build trust and gain some influence.&#xA;&lt;em&gt;Note that this is fundamentally different than just thinking your part, and not attacking her about it. She will probably note if you judge her, even if you keep your thoughts to yourself!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This post reflects my deeply held believes as a product of western liberal civilization so I don´t have any specific scientific sources for this. I had some success improving the relationship with my younger brother with the approach in the last paragraph though)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T15:28:03.157" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T15:28:03.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16392" CreationDate="2018-07-11T12:00:41.783" Score="78" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's your house, your castle, your 'nest' - especially as you have both a two-year old as well as a second child underway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd just outright tell the truth: at the current time you are not comfortable to host strangers there over night. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be well understood and respected in your situation, especially by a friend. It's your private place and you have to set the boundaries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offer alternative arrangements within these boundaries: she is welcome to stay over night, or they both visit for dinner and then stay together at a nearby hotel, or the girls meet at a local bar to do the catching-up... be open to alternatives and there should not be grounds for bad feelings!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you present this as general boundary for you at this point in time, it should be clear that this has nothing to do with how much you trust the friend. A stranger is still a stranger and the feeling of having someone in your 'nest' who does not belong won’t change just because you know &lt;em&gt;he’s probably OK&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="2012" LastEditDate="2018-07-11T15:13:05.587" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T15:13:05.587" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16392" CreationDate="2018-07-11T14:17:10.163" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Boundaries&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a friend stay who is known over many years is one thing, a complete stranger is another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To most people this boundary would be non-negotiable, unless there was a&#xA;good reason to suddenly prioritise this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having strangers stay over, while on their way as a group somewhere else,&#xA;and all one is providing is a space to camp out, is fine, but being part of the&#xA;friendship group and participating in family and casual interactions is&#xA;very different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people in this situation make sure it is one night, and if things go&#xA;bad it is easy to make excuses and part ones ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was me I would suggest a social occasion, to see how things went,&#xA;where any worries can be laid to rest.  With a wife who is in later stages&#xA;of pregnancy and possibly grouchy etc. support for a friend maybe more &#xA;important or an annoying situation something one might want to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So these are some things to take into account. A compromise trial would&#xA;be the way I would go, so everyone can back out politely if needed.&#xA;This would show ones worries, to the friend and get a feel for how &#xA;things can progress without being rude and judgemental.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16994" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T14:17:10.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16391" CreationDate="2018-07-11T14:47:38.500" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't bother apologizing for not recognizing him if he didn't make it explicitly clear that he had been offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather, I would kick off the email by reminding him that you met at this banquet, since there's a better than average chance &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; won't recognize &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; if he's really that famous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ice thusly broken, move on to your actual request / questions and don't worry about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18955" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T14:47:38.500" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16404" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16340" CreationDate="2018-07-11T14:51:06.990" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you either negotiate to pay rent, or that you move out. When it comes to authority, your parents are the masters of the house, and you are living their by their good will. The living situation you are in encourages your parents to treat you like a child, because that is how you used to live, and in a way it's still how you live. You specified in the comments that you have a full-time job, so you can afford to pay rent or move out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This change is important for your relationship, because it will make your independence clear. At the moment, you are living like a &lt;em&gt;dependent&lt;/em&gt;, which encourages your mom to treat you as such. I think she could still be doing it out of love for you, but at this stage in your life, you need to set boundaries and act like an adult. If you want autonomy, you need to take responsibility for your living situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10004" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T14:51:06.990" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16407" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-11T15:40:59.617" Score="-1" ViewCount="295" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have to write a report with 3 other people about a project work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We split it up in different parts. First things went slowly and but a week later one group member have written a very good complete introduction, even that he was struggling heavily with other parts. As an information the report isnt in his native language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a while I noticed the whole introduction is copied from 2 other sources. Hardly a word was changed. In a first try I told him to write down his sources for the information but he just said something like: there is no source everybody knows that so he does too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell him to rewrite his part without being to harsh but still being clear he has to do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19652" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T17:49:04.800" Title="How to tell someone to remove his plagiarism" Tags="&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-07-12T07:29:51.380" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16407" CreationDate="2018-07-11T17:49:04.800" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Look at your situation realistically. You figured out quite easily that he copied someone else’s work. Your lecturer has a lot more experience, so there’s no chance this goes undetected. If you don’t make him change his part, your whole group will fail, and may worse than fail. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don’t tell him, your lecturer will. In a way that doesn’t just hurt his feelings, but in a way that hurts his career. So how do you tell him? Any way that works. For example: “I know which two sources you copied, and so do you, and so will our lecturer. You have the choice of either rewriting this introduction, or we will remove your introduction and yourself. There is no way that I will damage my career because of your plagiarism. “&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is harsh. Considering the consequences for everyone, it is not too harsh. It’s much less harsh than your lecturer would be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T17:49:04.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16334" CreationDate="2018-07-11T18:25:38.117" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might consider sharing your findings with a discussion of a personal/family history of a medical encounter or preventative screening.  I disagree about the importance of information over tone.  Tone is incredibly important in discussing breast health, particularly in the context of your encounter.  She may view this a negative commentary on her breasts.  Interpretation is highly variable and any factual data you give will be colored dramatically by her emotional interpretation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not a physician or medical provider, the data you provide should be scant and heavily framed in the context of your concern.  Then there should be a lot of listening, acknowledgment and understanding of what she expresses.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Statistically, any lump in that age group w/o a strong family hx, BRCA1/2, or other genetic disease is overwhelmingly likely to be a cyst, fibroadenoma or fibrocystic change.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that the angst generated by any breast disease is far out of proportion to what you would anticipate as a man.  This includes the anxiety associated with workup and the common associated false positives.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mention one last thing as an aside.  Last I read, there actually has been no study showing breast self exam is effective in decreasing morbidity and mortality.  Someone feel free to correct me as I have not combed cochrane recently.   Much of what is &quot;standard of care&quot; in medicine has no factual basis, but then again, there has never been a double blind study showing parachutes prevent injury from gravitational challenge &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bmj.com/content/327/7429/1459&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;(look it up in the BMJ)&lt;/a&gt;.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19663" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T18:25:38.117" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16378" CreationDate="2018-07-11T19:48:22.017" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My friend and I generally void the subject of dating/romance now&#xA;  because it can be a sore subject that stirs up feelings....I don't&#xA;  know if my friend is aware of my relationship status.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope you see that by hiding that information, you've really made a mess of things.  It wouldn't take more than a couple of allusions for your friend to understand that you were dating someone.  Perhaps she thinks you are hiding your relationship to keep the door open for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All it takes is a couple of off-hand sentences to communicate your relationship status to her.  Talk about your weekend plans, and mention your girlfriend.  Casually tell your friend that your girlfriend will binge something you don't like while you are away camping. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you've done this, she should understand you are not single.  If she really wants this camping to be a cheating opportunity, she has two options...wait for you to make the first move or make a move herself.  The second option is so risky, she almost certainly won't do it, and if she really is the kind of person who thinks you will come away with her to cheat, maybe you don't want to be friends with her anyway.  If she picks the first option, and you do nothing, then no one is embarrassed, no one loses face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T19:48:22.017" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16420" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16194" CreationDate="2018-07-11T21:23:02.837" Score="2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;So, you've tried...&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Confronting him to come to a mutual understanding of what's wrong and solve the issue. But he doesn't admit that he's done anything wrong or apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Putting up with his behavior and hoping it'll get better. But it clearly hasn't and things are getting out of control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the above, I'd suggest you stop trying to deal with this together with him. Assume the worst--that he will not see reason on this--and let's work from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what can you do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Take control before the confrontation starts&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he starts arguing that you're doing something wrong and you argue back, you're giving him the power in the situation. There's an old saying from Mark Twain:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you argue with a fool, you'll be dragged down to their level. A perfect example is the conversation on &amp;quot;gaslighting&amp;quot; you mentioned in the comments. If you take these arguments seriously he'll make you question yourself with these accusations to keep you in the argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like the one time you successfully prevented this was by shutting him down before the argument started, but how can you do that when he's &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; on &amp;quot;best behavior&amp;quot; with other people around?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Enforce your stance&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a time when he's calm and tell him that some of the conversations you have with him upset you. It sounds like you care dearly for him if you're willing to put up with all of this and still try to have him in your life, so tell him that! But also warn him that the next time an accusation/argument/conversation starts that makes you feel this way, you will end it immediately. And that if he tries to continue, you'll leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could look something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey dad, I had a lot of fun hanging out with you like at rock climbing the other day. But sometimes we have conversations that really upset me. I want you to be a part of my life, but I don't like these kind of conversations. In the future if one starts to come up, I'm going to tell you &amp;quot;Dad, I'd rather not have this conversation. Please stop.&amp;quot; I'd appreciate if we could drop what we're talking about when that happens. I love you and I want to see more of you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the next time you feel one of these conversations coming on, recite the line you gave him: &amp;quot;Dad, I'd rather not have this conversation. Please stop.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he continues the conversation, or begins yelling at you for telling him to stop the conversation or does anything except quit the yelling and change topics, &lt;strong&gt;remain silent&lt;/strong&gt;. If you're in the car, turn and look out the window. If you're in a place where you can, walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he stays silent or gives you some lip and &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; stays silent, take a deep breath and try to change the subject. It won't be easy in an awkward conversation like this, but it'll get better the more you do it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The effect this should have&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of two things should start happening here. Either A) he'll learn that he needs to being heeding your warning when you tell him to stop because you mean what you say or B) you'll find yourself remaining silent more and more and seeing him less and less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you said that you don't want to remove him from your life, but if you set down this path, you need to stay strong and stick by what you say. If that means seeing him less until he learns, then that may be the only way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Conclusion&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you said you wanted a simple patch that you could start using immediately to fix these situations, but I think laying a groundwork like this and enforcing it are your best bets at dealing with just these arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation sucks, but if he's going to act like a child, you may have to treat him like a child. He's not responding to your attempts at reason, so you'll have to teach him through action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-11T21:23:02.837" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16424" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16837" CreationDate="2018-07-12T05:13:37.873" Score="14" ViewCount="1171" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was helping a disabled friend schedule, over the phone, her appointment at a hospital that occasionally botches times and dates.  I asked the secretary to confirm by email:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Can you please email her the appointment time and date?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Secretary: You don't need it in writing. She's been here before.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: An email would be more reassuring. Can you please email her?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  He: I'm the senior secretary here. You can trust me.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: She'd really prefer an email, if you don't mind.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  He: You don't trust me?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Sorry...I don't. At least twice, she showed up for appointments. But then staff argued they never booked them for her.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  [Silence for 10 seconds.]&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  He: We don't email patients. Just call again to confirm. &#xA;  [Click.] [He hung up.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer doesn't solve the difficulty, as writing protects her much more than  verbal promises.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend said that he looked irked to see her, when he was checking her in. So how can &quot;You don't trust me?&quot; be answered without offending the asker? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="2423" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T05:40:11.877" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T09:45:17.233" Title="How can I request something in writing, if the other person resists with &quot;Don't you trust me?&quot;?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16424" CreationDate="2018-07-12T07:28:57.683" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;For me and many others, trust is something you have to earn over time. It's not something you gain from a phone call. It's not rude to tell the secretary that you do not trust her, because you simply can't if you don't know her personally. Simply explain her that and she should understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's totally understandable that you and your friend want a written confirmation.&#xA;You should have asked, why they don't send emails in the first place, because it doesn't take any time if you have the proper system (which I'm pretty sure they have).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her, you need it written down, so you do not forget it and have to call again (and maybe again and again).&#xA;It's really strange to me that she refuses it that way, maybe try to communicate with an doctor or the leader of the hospital too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: Here in Germany, you always get a email or more likely a piece of paper with the date and time written on it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7833" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T07:46:10.583" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T07:46:10.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16424" CreationDate="2018-07-12T07:29:57.103" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had this experience a few times, whether at work or with appointments. Everyone may remember what happened in a given situation, but everyone has a &lt;em&gt;different version&lt;/em&gt; of it. Official records ought to be kept to avoid conflicts later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your perspective, you merely have the word of the secretary that the booking was placed successfully, whereas the secretary sees himself (presumably correctly) entering the appointment into the system followed by you asking for a confirmation that he has actually done it. In that particular case, I would have complained to the secretary's superior about his reaction, it was a very unprofessional way he handled the situation, but there is a more general solution to try too:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Emphasise that there is no lack of trust in one specific person or role within the group&lt;/strong&gt;, make it clear that it's just helpful for everyone involved in the long run to have an official record of what happened. Two weeks down the line, both parties may have different records and recollections of the events but this way, we &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; don't need to pester each other to reconfirm things. A confirmation email allows both parties to agree on what happened while the event is still fresh in your minds. This way, everyone involved knows that you're just playing it safe and not out to attack anyone personally (however justified it might be).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also add that if you are abruptly cutoff like that again, contact the hospital again and - with the approval of your friend - ask them to narrate or send you what information they have stored on their systems about your friend. Your friend has the right to see or confirm what information they have stored on their systems about them &lt;em&gt;(there might be exceptions to this, I stay in the UK too and have never been denied info like this when I've asked for it)&lt;/em&gt;. Let the system work in your favour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T07:29:57.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16319" CreationDate="2018-07-12T08:29:38.253" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a lot of good answers here about the other aspects of this, but I want to concentrate on a single one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A big problem you have is that you've no real idea of his real sexuality, as apaul says, us men are kinda touchy about not being viewed as a heterosexual guy. You need to get past this and give him the opportunity to do the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that is the first thing to get over, and the only way you can really do that is to express your interest in other men. At this point, absolutely, definitely, not making any reference to him, and your desires towards him. Talk to him honestly about your desires to have an experience with another guy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may or may not respond favourably. He may or may not respond at all. If he is a good friend though, hopefully, he will be supportive of you 'coming out' to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets you fact find before putting your friendship at risk. (unless it turns out he's hugely homophobic!) don't ask, or push for a similar response from him, if he's comfortable doing so, let it become part of your conversation/banter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at some point he 'comes out' to you, then there's much less risk to following up on it because you've already both confided your real sexuality to each other. That should give you the currency to suggest that you both find out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Through all of that though, give him time to respond, to go away and think about it, to examine his own desires and thoughts. If pushed his answer is much more likely to be no, to assert his image as a straight man, and to close down the notion that he might be any different, even if he is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19678" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T08:29:38.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16432" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16458" CreationDate="2018-07-12T09:55:52.883" Score="2" ViewCount="2272" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have the following problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I own a house near the beach, in which I go only in summer. Every year, friends ask me (or try to manipulate me to invite them) to come and spend their vacations there. I have already invite some of them once (or even twice at some cases).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every year they tell me things like &quot;You are so lucky to have a house like that&quot;, &quot;I was thinking about coming there again&quot;, &quot;Can I come this year as well?&quot;, &quot;Can I come because I had never been there and seems amazing?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These behaviors literally make me very angry, because I feel like they use me. I haven't said anything until now because I usually avoid confrontation, and also because we are friends lots of years I don't want to tell them something that would deteriorate our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But at this point, because I feel like that is going to continue forever, I find that is very important to communicate with them that:&#xA;a) If I wanted to, I would invite them by myself&#xA;b) That it's tiring to have guests every year&#xA;c) Stop them from inviting themselves in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a woman in my 30s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18954" LastEditorDisplayName="user18954" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T12:57:47.597" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T12:57:47.597" Title="How to stop friends from coming in my holiday house?" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16424" CreationDate="2018-07-12T12:18:24.860" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try to completely bypass the &quot;trust&quot; issue.  Say that having the email helps your friend keep track of appointments (which is probably true).  Just having the verbal confirmation is harder to keep track of.  If the employee starts talking about trust, say that it's not about trust, and that having the email will help your friend track the appointment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that the employee did not bring up any legal or technological reason why he couldn't email the appointment, it seems like he's just being obstinate.  If there was a good reason for not emailing he could just say &quot;sorry, that's against our policy&quot; and the story would be over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the employee continues to refuse, you should definitely contact the hospital and report this person.  There's no way an employee should be making a reasonable request into a personal issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T12:18:24.860" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16435" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-12T12:29:21.683" Score="3" ViewCount="3808" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know a girl from the internet (we both live in Germany), and looks like everything is fine between us (we are talking every some hours, smiling, flirting ..etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am currently married, but, as my relation with my wife is pretty damaged, I am thinking about divorce, especially since I met this girl, because I think she may be my soulmate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This girl (who is not yet my girlfriend) doesn't have any problem with our contact, she likes it and she wants our relation to grow bigger (or more serious, like girlfriend or marriage); she fears that I may go back with my wife and I don't divorce, let her decline to be my girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I started to love this new girl, I can't stop contacting her, and I don't want to lose her, but on the other side, I don't want to be rude by insisting or pressing her to accept my offer (to be with me) while she is uncomfortable with my current situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My Question:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to make her comfortable with my current situation and to be with me until I  finish the divorce process?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Remarks:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am quite sure she likes me (she said that many times).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She doesn't have anyone in her life (she is divorced after 1 year of failed marriage).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is open to a new relationship (her fear that I go back with my wife didn't let her take me).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is 23 and I am 28 and both no kids.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She lives far away from me, but we met one time, and we realized we should really live together as soon as possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PS:&lt;/strong&gt; I know she doesn't have to be comfortable and I am somehow wrong, but the problem is that I can't imagine or accept this girl can be with someone else, or even myself with another one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Update:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to wait until I finish the divorce process, because it can take up to 2 years and possibly more, which is a very long period, and she can change her mind in this time and choose to date someone else.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She started thinking about stopping our contact, because first she has fears that she loves me and I am married until this moment, and second because the divorce process is so long and she thinks I may change my mind in this time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T14:06:49.287" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T15:41:25.650" Title="Asking a girl you love (without being rude) to be your girlfriend when you're married" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;online-relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-07-12T18:11:06.680" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16432" CreationDate="2018-07-12T13:16:02.413" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is the word &quot;friends&quot; in your question more about &quot;acquaintances&quot;? Friends are typically close people that we want to have around and spending time with them is a pleasure, but in your question it seems like these people are nuisance, a problem to be dealt it. And yet you say that you do not want these relationships to deteriorate...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a specific reason that doesn't offend anyone, you can just keep stating it firmly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;It is my getaway, I like being alone there&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I think the house is too small&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, on the other hand the reason is because you are bothered by having these people around, but don't want to offend them, you may have to use excuses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I have already made plans to do x&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I need some time alone/alone with family&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general some people will take offence regardless of what you say. But you can hope that it will pass on its own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T19:00:11.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T19:00:11.197" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16432" CreationDate="2018-07-12T13:17:29.727" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try to focus on the positive parts of their requests:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;they are &lt;strong&gt;requests&lt;/strong&gt;. While &quot;Can I come and visit you?&quot; is direct, and puts you on the spot, at least it's not &quot;I am coming to visit you Aug 13th&quot; or &quot;why haven't we set the date for my August visit yet?&quot; They are asking if they can visit, and you can decline&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;you don't mention any issues in the visits, like they leave a huge mess or eat you out of house and home without contributing. So while the visits are tiring and you like time to yourself, it's not a nightmare, right?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So smile and either say &quot;I don't think that's going to be possible this summer&quot; or &quot;we'll have to see closer to the date, I'm not planning August yet&quot; as appropriate. Try not to explain why it isn't going to be possible: pushy people just argue with your reasons and try to talk you out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like these people and would actually enjoy seeing them under specific conditions (they all come at once to get it over with, or nobody stays longer than a weekend, or they visit your house but sleep somewhere else, or whatever) then by all means include those conditions in your answer. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sure, I love it when you visit me. This summer I am planning quite a few solo weeks so I can recharge. Any weekend would be fantastic to see you though. How about the 13th and 14th?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;An afternoon on the beach with you would be great! [List some of the things you typically do together like swimming, fishing, drinking wine, whatever.] Find a place to stay nearby and plan to come over at least 2 or 3 afternoons in the week. I can't wait!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T13:17:29.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16435" CreationDate="2018-07-12T13:17:52.610" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This cannot be an easy situation for anyone to be brought into. You have to understand how she must feel being put in the middle of such a complicated process between you and your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no knowledge on the divorce process in Germany so I'll try not to make any assumptions. If you are planning or have started the process of divorcing your wife, then you need to show that you are serious about it and work at it until the process is finalized, no matter how long it takes. Throughout this process, reassure her that you are keen on divorcing your wife and that your goal is to begin a new relationship with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if she is uncomfortable with dating you while you go through this divorce process, but also does not want to wait 2 years for the divorce process to finish, I don't see how this relationship would ever work. If she wants to start a relationship with you, she will need to accept your current situation and begin to build your relationship from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19684" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T13:17:52.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16435" CreationDate="2018-07-12T13:21:30.573" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way to look at this is to separate and atomic events.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You agreed to marry your current wife, you may say now that you never loved her, but that does not change the fact that you stood before friends, family, and possibly God and agreed to marry her and all that entails.  Perhaps things are not working out now, and if that is the case you should divorce her.  You owe her that.  She does not deserve your sneaking around flirting with others behind her back.  Either commit yourself to this relationship or get out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what this girl says, it shoud not impact your divorce decision.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact I would recommend that you take some time to heal from your marriage, if you decide to divorce, before entertaining the idea of seeing someone else.  I would recommend no less than one year, and possibly longer.  Among other things you need to understand why you entered into a life long relationship with someone so incompatible with you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then of course not repeat the same mistakes in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5061" LastEditorUserId="5061" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T13:51:11.543" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T13:51:11.543" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16435" CreationDate="2018-07-12T13:31:36.780" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is quiet a complicated situation, but I guess you should come forward and be honest with your current wife and the girl that you are in love with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best solution is to have an adult and honest discussion with your current wife. If you are not getting allong and the divorce is just a matter of time, she will understand your situation. And maybe just maybe she might help you convince your future girlfriend that things are so over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not an easy situation, but &lt;strong&gt;honesty&lt;/strong&gt; is key.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19685" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T13:31:36.780" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16441" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16468" CreationDate="2018-07-12T15:27:59.310" Score="113" ViewCount="63277" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend (a woman), who I met around 8 months ago. Since then, she has become my best friend and we are extremely close. Understandably, my wife is envious of the relationship and even sometimes suspects it is more than a platonic friendship (at least emotionally). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;How can I convince her that the relationship is platonic without changing the nature of the friendship?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are the critical, key points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Me and 'Katie' (fictional name for my friend, for future reference only) met at a wrestling class. This is an intimate sport with a lot of closes, physical contact. We both love the sport and we train together 3 times per week (in a class situation) and then 1 on 1 alone once a week.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We meet up once a week for a non-wrestling related day. We usually do another activity just for fun and then go out for food or just hang out somewhere for the day.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We have a holiday booked for 1 week. It is a training camp and we are sharing a room, but it is a twin room.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We speak on the phone (via a texting app) on average 2 - 3 times per day. I would say we exchange an average of 20 - 50 messages per day. We always send one to each other last thing at night.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When we have been apart, we have told each other how we miss each other and have exchanged mutual feelings of loving each others company, loving being friends etc. She has also said if I am down or look sad that it makes her feel the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Understandably, the above makes it look like there is something more than friendship potentially. But here is the thing. We are both married. She has said she is happily married and has 4 children with her husband. But she has also said that he is happy with our friendship and that she wants us to be friends forever. She said that since knowing me, she has been much happier in general.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this has any relevance but I thought I would include it anyway that I was recently diagnosed with Autism. But I don't personally agree with that and also I have a job etc and friends so I am pretty 'normal' even if it is correct.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The friendship has dramatically improved my happiness levels. Having such a close friend is amazing, and I want to keep that, while still keeping my partner happy and comfortable also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have spoken to my wife about the friend and she said she won't stop me seeing her but that she is very jealous of it and doesn't like it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19688" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T17:00:06.503" LastActivityDate="2019-10-14T14:13:04.440" Title="How to convince my wife that my best friend and I are just friends?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="56" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16435" CreationDate="2018-07-12T15:41:25.650" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hate to say it, but I can relate. My, now ex, partner and I were married for 5 years, separated for a year, tried to make another go of it for 6 months, and are now separated again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ending a marriage is a messy complicated process, and it sounds like you're at the very earliest stage of that process. If you haven't told your wife of your plan to seek a divorce, you probably should, that's where the process generally starts and where things begin to get messy. From there it's a hard road. Separating is a hard thing emotionally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking someone to date you while you're going through this process is asking for an awful lot. &quot;Hey would you like to ride this emotional rollercoaster with me?&quot; And it probably isn't fair to ask that of someone. Not to mention that starting what you hope will be a serious relationship, while you're still getting your mind and heart settled, isn't exactly starting off on the best footing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I dated a bit during my first separation, it was nice to get back out there and feel appreciated, attractive, and all, but at the same time I knew that it wasn't the best thing to be doing. I was still recovering from a lot of pain and grief from the end of my marriage. The people I dated didn't really like  to hear about the ongoing issues with my ex, they didn't like hearing about the financial and emotional entanglement any more than I did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This time around I'm trying to be a little more deliberate about taking my time. I want things finalized before  thinking about starting another serious relationship. I'm seeing a therapist, and making a real effort to get my own life in good order before inviting someone else to be apart of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would strongly recommend the second approach over the first. Starting a relationship under the cloud of a divorce isn't ideal, it's not going to be easy for you or your new partner, and it doesn't give you the time and space to heal and grieve from the end of the the marriage. If this new person really is your &quot;soulmate&quot;, if &quot;soulmates&quot; even exist, they'll be happy to hear from you a year or two from now after you've gotten your divorce settled and life in order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to stay in touch with this new person, and there may not be any harm in checking in once in a while, but take your time. Jumping from one bad relationship into another often happens because you didn't take the time to check your baggage before making the leap. Trust me, I've done that enough times to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T15:41:25.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16444" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16441" CreationDate="2018-07-12T16:06:16.857" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this is more of an anti-answer, but I think it's an important Interpersonal Skill to identify the difference between knowledge and feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can you convince her? You can't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Jealousy is an emotion!&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't change someone's emotions. Emotions don't adhere to logic and reasoning. Emotions are embedded in human psychology. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it this way. There are a lot of people out there that are &lt;strong&gt;terrified&lt;/strong&gt; of flying on a plane, even if they &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that air travel is the &lt;strong&gt;safest form of travel&lt;/strong&gt;. Personally, I have a girlfriend who reacts strongly to her feelings and emotions, even if she knows otherwise. I've tried countless times to &quot;convince&quot; her that her feelings are not justified. It &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; works. At best, it helps slightly. She is aware of this, and will say things like &quot;I know, but I can't help the feeling&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wife seems to understand that your friendship is platonic, in the sense that it is non-physical. Yet she still feels bad. She knows you're just really close friends. Yet as you can see, it doesn't stop her from feeling terrible and jealous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your behavior is making your wife feel bad (probably about herself). It doesn't matter if your behavior is morally right, justified, or whatever. It still makes your wife feel bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't change that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Unrelated Advice:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always try hanging out with your wife more. You can also set up events where you and your wife hang out with your friend and her husband. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; that your wife would feel better if the whole thing was more open to her. It also might help seeing your friend with her husband to put things in perspective (whatever that perspective may be).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, though, to me it sounds like you are too close to your friend for your wife to feel comfortable with it. And I wouldn't disagree with the way your wife feels (but my opinion doesn't reflect everyone's relationship preferences or tolerances).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You need to convince your wife through your actions, not your words.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="10605" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T18:27:27.683" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T18:27:27.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16441" CreationDate="2018-07-12T16:09:07.467" Score="442" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't think you can.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll lay out why I think this is the case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The relationship you describe with Katie sounds &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; like any new romance except for the fact that you are both currently married to other people.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You, personally, feel that there is romantic potential in the relationship. Except for your current marriage, you expect you would have the same relationship with Katie, but it &lt;em&gt;would be&lt;/em&gt; romantic. (This is from now-deleted comments).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You regularly put yourself into situations where you are alone with Katie, many of them &quot;date-like&quot;. You even have an upcoming weeklong getaway with Katie where you two will be sharing a hotel room. And you continue to place yourself in these situations &lt;em&gt;even though&lt;/em&gt; you know it bothers your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your main goal seems to be to preserve everything about your relationship with Katie as it currently stands, and &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to reassure your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;only thing&lt;/em&gt; that you offer as proof that your and Katie's relationship is and will remain platonic is that you are both married to other people. But, since we know that extramarital affairs exist, and are perhaps not exactly rare, this in itself is worth &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt; to your argument.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These together really, really sound like an affair waiting to happen. Even if you aren't intending for things to turn out that way, continuously providing &lt;em&gt;opportunities&lt;/em&gt; where something more could happen (even if you want to frame them as mistakes, slip-ups, whatever) increases the chances that something &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; happen. And your entire argument is essentially that you haven't crossed some line, such as kissing or sleeping together. Inherently, that sort of  line is never crossed before it is. That's not very comforting as a promise that it never will be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How valuable your assertion that things are and will continue to be platonic is depends on your own feelings about the value of marriage, your commitment to your own marriage, and your willpower. I can't know those things about you, though your wife probably has some idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were your wife I don't think that there would be anything at all you could do to persuade me that Katie is and will continue to be &quot;just a friend&quot; while keeping your current relationship with Katie as it is. Your best bet might be to start including your wife in the friendship, by inviting her to activities you and Katie do, all having dinner together as couples, etc. You can also do things to try reaffirming your relationship with your wife, like going out with her more, being more attentive to her, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But none of those things really lessen the implications of your relationship with Katie, which would continue to trouble me. What would be most persuasive to me (again, in your wife's place) would be for you to draw back, at least a bit, from Katie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T00:34:02.513" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T00:34:02.513" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16446" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16441" CreationDate="2018-07-12T16:12:39.937" Score="259" Body="&lt;p&gt;From everything you've written here, it seems perfectly reasonable that your wife would be feeling jealous. Your wife is jealous because everything you are doing &lt;em&gt;looks&lt;/em&gt; like cheating, regardless of how pure your intentions are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to convince your wife that you two are just friends, it doesn't come down to saying the right things to your wife. It starts with changing your behavior and setting better boundaries. Think of it this way: If one night your wife announced to you &quot;Hey, I'm going to go over to &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;some male friend's name&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt; house to stay the night! Love you, bye&quot;, that would probably make you uncomfortable, right? Would it make you feel better if she said &quot;Oh, don't worry there's nothing sexual going on. It's perfectly platonic&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously in this contrived scenario, the correct way for your wife to not make you feel jealous would not be picking the right words to comfort you, but to &lt;em&gt;not go over to the friends house&lt;/em&gt;. Your situation is the same idea: &lt;em&gt;Actions speak louder than words.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can still continue this relationship, but you need to decide for yourself whether it's worth it to hurt your wife and erode her trust in you, or if your marriage is more important than this relationship. You should reconsider how you act with this friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what I would do in your shoes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We meet up once a week for a non wrestling related day. We usually do another activity just for fun and then go out for food or just hang out somewhere for the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds like a date to me. You don't necessarily need to stop hanging out with her entirely, but getting dinner together once a week? That's way to frequent. Cut back significantly. Or even better, try to form a larger group that can go with you so it's no longer just &lt;em&gt;you and that woman you're seeing all the time&lt;/em&gt;. Why not have your SOs come with you if it's really just platonic? (Note: It's probably best to wait until feelings of jealousy have subsided before suggesting this idea)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We speak on the phone (via a txting app) on average 2 - 3 times per day. I would say we exchange an average of 20 - 50 messages per day. We always send one to each other last thing at night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a &lt;strong&gt;HUGE&lt;/strong&gt; red flag. There's really no excuse for this. Stop it now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We have a holiday booked for 1 week. It is a training camp and we are sharing a room, but it is a twin room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Somehow, this is an even bigger red flag than the last one. Book another room or cancel. Don't go if you're sharing a room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When we have been apart, we have told each other how we miss each-other and have exchanged mutual feelings of loving each others company, loving being friends etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, really big red flag. Stop doing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't want to/can't stop these particular things? That's fine, it's your choice. But be aware that if you don't, you're choosing Katie above your marriage. You will continue demonstrating to your wife that Katie matters more to you than she does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3335" LastEditorUserId="3335" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T22:16:40.647" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T22:16:40.647" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16447" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-12T16:40:19.370" Score="8" ViewCount="935" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a friend of mine, let's call her... Rachel. We're very close (platonic) friends, and we'll frequently hang out as part of a larger group of mixed gender (including both my girlfriend and her boyfriend). We're all in our young 20's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has a habit of bad-mouthing people/gossiping a lot, and I've tolerated it so far, but it's really starting to get on my nerves. For example, some things she's done in the past:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She'll complain about her family drama a lot, and complain about her brother.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She badmouths one of my friends.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never told her that this bothers me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last night, the group was hanging out and Rachel made a very snide and judgmental comment about some of her friends (who I don't know very well) having premarital sex. (Rachel is very religious) I felt like this was the last straw. This comment really bothered me because &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I barely know these friends of hers &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't care if they were sleeping around, it has no effect on me. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I consider comments like these nothing more than gossip.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd tried responding with &quot;Why do we need to know?&quot;, but I don't think this effectively discouraged gossipy comments because the rest of the group seemed to respond positively. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to know how to respond in moments like these, not just to Rachel, but also to anyone else in the future. What's the best way to respond to gossiping/bad-mouthing people that makes it really clear that I don't want to hear it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to come across as disapproving; if that's the way they want to talk, I&quot;m not gonna stop them. But I'd prefer that if they want to gossip they'd save it for when I'm not around, as these comments really bother me and make it hard for me to want to be around Rachel anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also considering texting Rachel about this and letting her know it bothered me. But I'm worried because I don't know if that would improve things, and I don't know how to do this in a tactful way with out coming across as judgmental or disapproving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3335" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T17:33:23.420" LastActivityDate="2019-12-20T15:23:23.967" Title="How to respond to a gossiping friend?" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;gossip&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16449" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16455" CreationDate="2018-07-12T17:59:13.937" Score="4" ViewCount="375" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an Indian citizen residing in India. I am exposed to quite a few regional/native languages, few of which I am fluent in. My preferred language for verbal communication is English at the office. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few colleagues/peers who speak in regional language, most of the time, especially during team/casual discussions at the desk. I respect them for their language choice, but they expect me to reciprocate in the same language and me conversing in English reflects in a different way; And sometimes, a member or two push the conversations in the native language to only check if I can ever speak in that native language. When I sense that, I do end such conversations by saying that I have something important to do and would talk to them later, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this matters, most of the conversations at the team meetings do happen in English. So, there is not much of a problem there except for conversations beyond the conference rooms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that I might be coming across as condescending or rude while I am conversing in English. It is a mode of communication that I am comfortable with just the way they are comfortable with their own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do I really need to switch to my native language? How do I ensure that my team mates/peers do not persuade me to talk in non-English languages? Or, should I be not bothered about this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T18:08:40.680" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T18:38:58.740" Title="How to switch conversations in mother tongue/native language to English at office" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;language&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16441" CreationDate="2018-07-12T17:59:18.640" Score="123" Body="&lt;p&gt;By having a long, hard talk with Katie about what your relationship is. &#xA;It's going to suck, believe me. But you seem totally oblivious to the fact that you're having a full-blown emotional affair. If Katie is as oblivious as you, then you need to work together to figure out where the social line is and how you can get back to your own sides. If she's not and she knows what she's doing, then you need to make the very difficult decision between Katie and your wife. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, it's that serious. Your wife is an absolute saint to have let it go on as long as it has, and is 100% completely in the right. Your decision right now is whether you grovel for forgiveness or let someone as trusting and pure as your wife go so she can find a man who appreciates her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: You've mentioned in another comment that you've been diagnosed with autism, so I'm even more convinced this is the case. These are the exact social cues that people with autism miss all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19692" LastEditorUserId="19692" LastEditDate="2018-07-12T18:36:05.817" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T18:36:05.817" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16441" CreationDate="2018-07-12T18:05:09.117" Score="44" Body="&lt;h1&gt;To answer the question: you can't.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other answers go into good detail on why you can't and I agree with them, so I won't repeat everything they said here (for more detail see the points made by the other answers), but to summarize, what you're doing &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an emotional affair whether intended or not, so there is no way to convince your wife otherwise.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What should you do then?  Work to make your &lt;em&gt;wife&lt;/em&gt; your best friend&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To OP or anyone else who is married while maintaining a close friendship relationship with someone of the opposite sex, see the other answers for details on why what you're doing is a marriage-killer (I know I'm being blunt but I'm trying to help), but the reason it's an emotional affair is that you have and are doing things with your friend that you should instead be doing with your wife.  So instead work on making your marriage into the kind of relationship you now have with your friend (it's going to be really hard since there is significant damage to trust now that has to be repaired, but marriage is worth working at), and cut off your friend (tough advice I know, but this has likely gone too far to simply retreat to acquaintances; if you maintain the relationship with the friend, trust with your wife is probably not salvageable).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Reject this advice at the expense of your marriage&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wife has already expressed displeasure in the situation.  This won't subside, it will get worse until your marriage is totally destroyed.  If you act now, you can probably save your marriage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1806" LastEditorUserId="1806" LastEditDate="2019-10-14T14:13:04.440" LastActivityDate="2019-10-14T14:13:04.440" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16454" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-12T18:28:08.137" Score="1" ViewCount="460" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an undergraduate student that was offered a role researching for a grant. I was able to get authorship status on a paper and will be attending a conference for it later this year. The professor I am working for connected me with another student at a different university in order to share a hotel room. We will both be staying for the entire week and are responsible for booking our own reservations. Unfortunately, the centre the conference is located at is booked, with only a single-bed room available that we would be required to vacate on Wednesday then move back in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This student was fine with booking the room and asked me if I was okay with it, but after I realized that it is a small, dorm-like room with a small bed and no futon I counter-offered a room at another hotel a half-mile away with two beds that we would not need to move out of midweek. The student pushed back saying that the other room had a better price (of course, as it is intended for one person) and we would have better involvement with the conference (doubtful, as long as we show up on time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm personally uncomfortable sharing a bed for a week with a student I don't know, and I'm otherwise just a really poor sleeper who has an impossible time sharing a bed with my own father when I need to, and wouldn't fare well at the conference by doing this for a week. However, I don't feel comfortable making this a bigger conflict than necessary, and I don't want to upset my professor by costing our grant more money than necessary by booking my own room at twice the cost. On the other hand, I do feel I have the right to request sleeping accommodations that I am comfortable with. How can I handle this conflict without offending anyone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19695" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T22:46:00.337" Title="As a student, how can I negotiate appropriate sleeping arrangements with strangers for an academic conference?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16449" CreationDate="2018-07-12T18:31:26.793" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If they keep trying to steer the conversation into their native language, keep responding to them in English, and only switch to another language if they do not understand an English phrase or word.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I wouldn't switch languages even if they do not respond with any English of their own.  I speak with a few native French speakers at my job and know enough French to semi-respond to them while conversing.  Even if they need to switch to French for a couple of sentences I still respond in English as I am more comfortable with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just keep replying in English and hopefully they will get the hint that you prefer to answer in English.  I can't say how &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; will react, as I am not a mind reader, but if you are persistent people will start to realize your position and start to respect your choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As noted by AbhigyanC in a comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, over time, the other party may stop using the other language, if they are convinced that you don't know the regional language. This will lead to other consequences, like them teasing you for not knowing a language that you actually know, etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To really shut them down, if they start teasing you about not knowing a language that you actually do, respond to them &lt;em&gt;in that language&lt;/em&gt; stating your preference about using English in conversations.  This will accomplish a few things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Prove you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; actually speak the language.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Restate your preference to speak in English.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Potentially embarrass your coworker.  Makes them look a bit childish for teasing you and incentives them to not tease you anymore.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will shut them down and should get them off your back if they do continue to do so, but take it with a grain of salt.  If you know they will react very poorly to being embarrassed, I would not recommend this.  Do the same thing as above, but in English instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T18:31:26.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16449" CreationDate="2018-07-12T18:32:26.353" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing you can try is to have a discussion with them about it. The next time you notice them switching languages mid-sentence instead of continuing the discussion stop and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, we all know &lt;em&gt;Some Regional Language&lt;/em&gt; but I prefer we talk in English since we're using English in company activities. Would you be willing to respect my choice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would tell them that you're aware of it and face the issue directly. They would probably be surprised by assertiveness and agree to discuss the subject directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T18:32:26.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16449" CreationDate="2018-07-12T18:38:58.740" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;To summarise; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell your co-workers that you find it more easy/comfortable to speak in English, due to whatever reason.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you are teased/shamed for not knowing a language, speak in that language, and state your reasons for not using that language.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I had made a mistake of switching to that language every time I met a person. That just makes them feel like they can use whichever language wherever they want, and leads to other complications. &lt;strong&gt;Don't do this.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little bit of a story:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a fellow Indian, and I've had similar experiences myself. It's a weird habit of people to try and show off their knowledge of their regional language and try to show that you don't know it. However, over time, the other party may stop using the other language, if they are convinced that you don't know the regional language. This will lead to other consequences, like them teasing you for not knowing a language that you actually know, etc... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking an example, I have a professor of Maths who is always speaking Hindi, in all his classes. It is mandatory in our school for the teachers to speak in English, so that the students without any knowledge of Hindi can also understand. This is ignored by my teacher, and my fellow students don't really have a problem with it. Because of this, whenever my teacher speaks to us in Hindi, we reply to him in English, regardless of the fact that some of us are well-versed in Hindi. Our teacher often cracks jokes about us in Hindi, which are meant to shame us for not understanding the language, but what comes out of it is that we are considered not to be knowing a language that we know thoroughly. It just feels unprofessional and unofficial to speak Hindi, as English been made mandatory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T18:38:58.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16432" CreationDate="2018-07-12T18:40:59.470" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure which part of Europe you're in; I suspect that how a Norwegian would handle this would be very different from how a Spaniard would handle this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I have friends that want to use something of mine repeatedly (I have a truck and a trailer, and it's amazing how many heavy things need moving on weekends), I make a schedule.  When people ask, I determine if I'm interested in having them use my trailer (or not) and then &quot;check my schedule&quot;.  If I'm OK with them using it, then I schedule a time.  If I'm just not in the mood to spend weekend time hauling stuff or setting up my trailer and waiting for it to come home, then it's in use.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sounds like a decent answer to your question as well.  &quot;Can I come visit?&quot;  &quot;Sorry, the house isn't available then&quot;.  Generally people don't ask for explanations and if they do, the answer can just stay with &quot;The house isn't/I am not available at that time.&quot;  &quot;Can I come this year as well?&quot;  &quot;I'm sorry, the house isn't available.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd stay away from trying to explain yourself; you don't owe anyone an explanation.  If someone asks why the house isn't available, I'd just respond with, &quot;How will sharing my commitments change anything?  Thanks for asking but the answer is: it just isn't available&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a while of your repeating yourself, people will start taking the hint that they house isn't a free vacation property.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T18:40:59.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16432" CreationDate="2018-07-12T19:14:11.140" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see anything wrong with simply stating&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry I appreciate you wanting to come and visit but I really&#xA;  look forward to taking these times for myself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a simple statement that is true and gets the point across that you'd rather not have company. You could go even softer in the delivery if you avoid generalizing it and say it more like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry I appreciate you wanting to come and visit but I was really&#xA;  looking forward to taking this time for myself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which gives the impression that maybe another time you'll be open to it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T19:14:11.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16463" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16447" CreationDate="2018-07-12T19:25:40.277" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Gossip is dangerous, but there is an easy way to handle it when someone starts badmouthing someone you know:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Without criticizing the gossiper, point to a flaw of yours that's related.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: &amp;quot;Oh and David is so mean when he gets sarcastic&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &amp;quot;You know, I have a lot of trouble with sarcasm too.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Now that you're criticizing yourself, use that to shift the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I'd really like to work on being less sarcastic and have been looking at some resources on it.  One of my favorite speakers, Jack, has such a great way of being genuine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then direct the conversation back to the person with a question about something else that's related.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Who's one of your favorite speakers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You focus on your own imperfections, get the conversation about something related to that, and get them talking about something else.  It works really well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they consistently gossip, you do want to minimize contact just because gossiper burn bridges like crazy and if they're willing to criticize others when they're not around, they'll do it about you too (they can't be trusted with any secret).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16655" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T19:25:40.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16465" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16469" CreationDate="2018-07-12T19:37:21.683" Score="9" ViewCount="2891" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently graduated from college, out of state from my hometown, and got a job here. A friend of mine and her husband offered to let me stay with them for very little rent until I could find a place of my own. They recently bought a house and had a lot of unexpected financial struggles this year so the money has been helpful to them as they pay off their debt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to move out as soon as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't like having roommates at all&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This friend in particular is very hard to live with (gross habits, controlling, doesn't respect personal space, demands constant attention, walks around undressed -- and I am expected to be okay with all of this because it's her house after all)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They fight a lot&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most importantly my dog can't stay here so I'm having to pay for him to stay on a farm with another family where he spends most of his time outside in the rising summer heat in a city 45 minutes to an hour away from me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently found an amazing apartment complex to apply for that will accept my dog. They have apartments available at the end of this month, the end of August, the middle of September, and the end of September. My friend and her husband went with me when I picked up my application and took a tour, so they know what move in dates are available and were very vocal about wanting me to wait until the end of September because &quot;we need your money&quot;. I told them I needed to move quickly because of my dog but they still insisted I should wait until the end of September.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am sympathetic to their financial struggles (I have my own), I can't stand living with them anymore, and I am worried about my dog being so far away from me and outside in this heat. I want to move out at the end of this month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am submitting my application tomorrow. Basically I've thought of 3 solutions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I apply for the apartment available at the end of this month. Assuming I get in, I pay them for August's rent as an apology for not giving them enough notice.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I apply for the apartment available at the end of this month, Assuming I get in, I tell my friend and her husband, [don't pay for August] and apologize for not giving them much notice, but remind them that this was always supposed to be a temporary situation and that I need to consider my dog and my needs first.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I apply for the apartment available at the end of September. I find another temporary home for my dog where he can be inside and just suck it up until it's time to move.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Am I obligated to stay longer because they are entitled to more than a few weeks notice? If not, how do I say I'm moving out without causing a lot of drama? I have not signed any kind of contract or lease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was approved for an apartment and am moving in at the beginning of August. I told my roommates that I will pay the full rent for August even though I'll only be there 4 days and they were satisfied with this arrangement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2934" LastEditorUserId="2934" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T19:49:40.783" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T19:49:40.783" Title="How to tell my roommates that I want to move out ASAP when they say they rely on my rent?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16465" CreationDate="2018-07-12T20:06:46.807" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before you started living there or since did you promise them you'd stay for some period of time? Because that's the main reason I can think of for why you ought to stay longer than you want to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's normal for life situations to change and roommates to move out and be replaced by other people. People get married, get new jobs, or move out for all kinds of reasons. I don't know how long ago you warned them about the possibility of moving, but I'd think a few weeks or a month ought to be plenty of time for them to find another person to take over your portion of things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Decide what you think is a reasonable amount of notice, give them that much notice, and move out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T20:06:46.807" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16441" CreationDate="2018-07-12T21:24:26.677" Score="236" Body="&lt;p&gt;Close friendships are wonderful. Right now, you are putting a lot of time and energy into your friendship with Katie, and you are both enjoying the benefits of that effort. A proportionate investment in your marriage will help it to be more stable and fulfilling, for both you and your wife, which should in turn lessen concerns about cheating. Most spouses expect their marriage to be the most important relationship in their and their spouse's lives—it's even in the traditional western wedding vows: &quot;forsaking all others&quot;. So &quot;proportional&quot; means that &lt;strong&gt;you should be putting &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; time and energy into your marriage than your friendship&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've said you don't want to change your friendship; with that in mind, here are some practical actions you can take to help your wife feel more secure in your marriage, along with links explaining some of the science for how these actions help strengthen whichever relationship they're applied to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Me and 'Katie' (fictional name for my friend, for future reference only) met at a wrestling class. This is an intimate sport with a lot of close, physical contact. We both love the sport and we train together 3 times per week (in a class situation) and then 1 on 1 alone once a week.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For every hour that you spend wrestling with Katie, spend 1.5 hours in a physical activity with your wife.&lt;/strong&gt; This could be cuddling, dancing, giving one another massages, making love, going for a walk and holding hands, teaching her some wrestling fundamentals—basically, anything you both enjoy that allows for some skin-to-skin contact. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128795325&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Physical touching reduces stress and increases feelings of connection&lt;/a&gt;, so sharing more of it with your wife will help both of you to feel more connected and secure in your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;We meet up once a week for a non wrestling related day. We usually do another activity just for fun and then go out for food or just hang out somewhere for the day.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For every platonic outing you have with Katie, have one romantic outing or two non-romantic (but fun) outings with your wife.&lt;/strong&gt; Dinner alone does not count as romantic (according to your own definition). &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.foryourmarriage.org/blogs/marital-confidence-linked-to-more-couple-time/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Spending more time together is correlated with increased &quot;marital confidence&quot;&lt;/a&gt; (exactly what you want to promote), which in turn correlates with greater relationship satisfaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We have a holiday booked for 1 week. It is a training camp and we are sharing a room, but it is a twin room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take your wife with you on the trip.&lt;/strong&gt; Share a bed with your wife, either in the same room as Katie or a separate room. If this is not possible, take another friend with you to share the room, and schedule a romantic getaway with your wife as soon as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We speak on the phone (via a txting app) on average 2 - 3 times per day. I would say we exchange an average of 20 - 50 messages per day. We always send one to each other last thing at night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kind of &lt;a href=&quot;https://thehumbledhomemaker.com/marriage-communication/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;regular checking-in and communication helps build emotional intimacy&lt;/a&gt;, an essential element of relationship satisfaction&lt;/strong&gt;. Right now you've been steadily building intimacy with Katie, which is why you find your friendship so satisfying and important. &lt;strong&gt;You need to put at least that much effort into building (or repairing) the intimacy in your marriage&lt;/strong&gt;, so your wife (and you) can feel equally close and satisfied with your marital relationship. So:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Every time you think of something you want to share with Katie (a funny joke, the amazing sunrise, whatever) share it with your wife first. If it's wrestling-related or in some other way something that your wife wouldn't &quot;get&quot; find some other thing of similar &quot;weight&quot; to text to your wife first (then send the text to Katie). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, if you think of something to ask Katie, ask your wife first. If it's something you already know about your wife or that's otherwise irrelevant, ask something about her life now (&quot;Did you have a pet as a child?&quot; can become &quot;How's that account going at work?&quot;; &quot;How does your husband feel about our friendship?&quot; can be &quot;How are you feeling about our marriage?&quot;) Don't just assume, though; if you're talking to Katie about things like hopes and dreams for the future, have that conversation with your wife. Chances are both of you have somewhat different answers from the last time you had that kind of discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After you send that last text to Katie, kiss your wife and tell her you love her before rolling over and going to sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When we have been apart, we have told each other how we miss each-other and have exchanged mutual feelings of loving each others company, loving being friends etc. She has also said if I am down or look sad that it makes her feel the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time you exchange something like this with Katie, think of two nice things to say to or do for your wife (and say/do them!). Whenever possible, compliment your wife in person, and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn12886-eye-contact-and-a-smile-will-win-you-a-mate&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;look into her eyes&lt;/a&gt; while doing so. &lt;strong&gt;Small &lt;a href=&quot;https://oaklandpostonline.com/22392/campus/dr-terri-orbuch-reveals-the-secrets-to-happy-relationships-in-the-workplace-and-beyond/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;affirmations&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; like thanking your wife for doing the laundry, spontaneously getting her favorite drink for her, or remarking on how great she is at some endeavor &lt;strong&gt;are an important way to strengthen and maintain your marriage&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Understandably, the above makes it look like there is something more than friendship potentially. But here is the thing. We are both married. She has said she is happily married and has 4 children with her husband. But she has also said that he is happy with our friendship and that she wants us to be friends forever. She said that since knowing me, she has been much happier in general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't tell your wife this—it makes it sound like the only thing stopping you from striking up a romance with Katie is &lt;em&gt;Katie's&lt;/em&gt; commitment to her husband. Instead, &lt;strong&gt;tell your wife that you love &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; (your wife) and want to be married to her forever. Tell yourself this, too. Say it until you both believe it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this does represent a really significant expenditure of your time and energy. Nurturing your marriage this way should help you and your wife reconnect, so that it becomes clearer to everyone that your marriage is secure and you aren't giving anything to Katie that you should be giving to your wife, instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="378" LastEditorUserId="378" LastEditDate="2018-07-13T20:42:06.113" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T20:42:06.113" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16465" CreationDate="2018-07-12T21:45:49.520" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've left something out of your question, and it's the part that I believe led you here rather than the Legal StackExchange: how much do you care about your friendship with your friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your tenancy with your friends was informal and month-to-month, as the question makes it sound, you may not have a legal responsibility to give notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(That's &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; not-- there are a lot of variations in landlord rights by jurisdiction. This is based mainly on watching &lt;em&gt;Judge Judy&lt;/em&gt;, so take that for what it's worth, but even if they have no reasonable chance of winning they can still file a lawsuit and cost you time and money).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who has had a roommate skip out earlier than planned (by all parties) because she was not on the lease and technically &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; without risking action by the landlord, while my finances were tight, I can tell you that that sucks. A lot. Any amount of notice could have helped me find a new roommate, or rearrange my finances to deal with the higher expenses more easily. Instead I had six months that were much more difficult than they needed to be, and we are no longer friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially if they have been giving you a good deal on rent compared with what's available elsewhere to suit &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; convenience when &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; needed it, you might consider meeting them partway and doing more than the absolute minimum that you could be legally forced to do. They didn't have to charge you low rent, they could have charged you the prevailing local rate for whatever their home offered you. If they didn't charge you a security deposit, or first and last months' rent, that's also a significant savings over another rental. You didn't love living with them? They may not have loved living with you, either. It wasn't charity on either side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your reasons for leaving are convincing to me, and I would probably do the same. But if you want to maintain the friendship at all I would recommend moving out and also paying rent (full, half, &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt;) through August, as if a 30-day notice period were in effect. Maybe in installments over time (it's tough to swing the rent for two places at once, even if you'll be saving money on boarding your dog!). But something, somehow, to account for your sudden and (depending on when you all went to the complex you'll be moving into) unanticipated departure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T21:45:49.520" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16470" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16454" CreationDate="2018-07-12T22:46:00.337" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Often, a hotel will bring an extra cot if you ask for it.  I don't think there is usually a fee for that, but if there is, it should be minimal.  If I were you I would call the hotel and ask about an extra cot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to get yourself a moderately priced inflatable mattress and sleep on the floor.  When I was a college student and often had to sleep in close quarters with other students for conventions or events, that's how we often dealt with it.  There was certainly never a situation where I would have been asked, or would have agreed to, share a bed with a stranger.  There's a little extra cost for the air mattress, but then you'd have it in case you needed it again for future conferences (also great for camping trips).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1761" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T22:46:00.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16471" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16441" CreationDate="2018-07-12T22:50:19.140" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, it sounds to me like the biggest problem here is that &lt;strong&gt;you and your wife are not on the same page where it comes to boundaries and other expectations&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some monogamous relationships where it's just fine to have a best friend that's the sex you're attracted to, and only engage your spouse at mealtimes and before bed.  There are some monogamous relationships where it's just fine to text another person that's the sex you're attracted to  There are some monogamous relationships where it's just fine to platonically share a bed with a person that's the sex you're attracted to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is - there are some, more, monogamous relationships in which some of these things are not the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first let's talk about the definition of the word &lt;strong&gt;cheating&lt;/strong&gt;.  Cheating does not describe a specific act - cheating is when something you have done violates what your partner believes are the boundaries within your relationship.  &quot;Cheating&quot; with someone does not mean &quot;having sex&quot; with them - it can mean &quot;encouraging a feeling of love for them,&quot; if that violates the boundaries of that relationship.  It can mean &quot;going on a dinner date&quot; with them.  It can mean &quot;sleeping in the same bed&quot; with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So one thing that you absolutely need to do is &lt;strong&gt;talk to your wife about the boundaries that you each expect in your relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;  Talk about what you're willing to give and what you need to take.  This doesn't have to be equal, but everyone does have to agree to it, willingly and wholeheartedly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I'd like to point out that most people &lt;em&gt;don't know this&lt;/em&gt;.  Most people think that what is and isn't okay in a relationship is something that everyone is automatically on the same page with, unless you're a dirty cheater, and that even dirty cheaters know that what they're doing is wrong.  So you'll see a lot of feedback here where people who think that everyone knows what is and isn't &quot;cheating&quot; think that if you &quot;act like you don't just know,&quot; that you're trying to justify dishonesty.  Ignore that perspective - those people are not part of your relationship, this is between you and your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, that being said, let's also talk about &lt;strong&gt;jealousy.&lt;/strong&gt;  Jealousy is usually an indicator of something else being wrong in a relationship.  Something else that people tend to assume, because this is what the media has fed us, is that if we feel jealousy, the other person is automatically doing something wrong.  Conversely, people tend to assume that if our partner feels jealousy, either we're doing something wrong, or our partner is being crazy.  But jealousy is a natural human emotion that needs to be worked through, just like anger, or sadness, or confusion.  And when the emotion involves two people, the solution might need to involve two people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like she's jealous of the time and the interactions that you're having with Katie.  Of course.  Part of this is likely to be because you're operating under different perceptions of boundaries.  But very often, it also means that her own needs are not being met.  So in addition to talking about boundaries, it would be beneficial for you to talk to your wife about &lt;strong&gt;needs.&lt;/strong&gt;  What if anything does she need from you that she's not getting?  What, for that matter, do you need from her, and is that being met?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And all that being said... it sounds to me like marriage counseling might go a long way for you guys.  Having someone to help facilitate these conversations might be excellent, and having someone who can help you to evaluate things much more effectively than the Q&amp;amp;A format we have here on Stack Exchange, who can go into all the details and teach you skills, who can get to know your wife and understand what her feelings are here, as well as your own, might do you a world of good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And realize - after all of this communication happens, &lt;strong&gt;it might be possible that the friendship that you want with Katie and the marriage that your wife wants with you might not be able to co-exist.&lt;/strong&gt;  You might have to alter how you interact with Katie, or your marriage may not survive.  I wouldn't give up on either the friendship or the marriage lightly, but realize that these are both possible outcomes, and you may have to prepare yourself for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T22:50:19.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16465" CreationDate="2018-07-12T23:21:19.820" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your description, it sounds like they're using you. Sure, on one hand it's nice of them to host you and make you pay less than the neighbourhood area; however they are putting a considerable pressure on you by explicitly asking you to postpone your well-being in order to get your money. Not so nice, all in all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A viable option that allows you to leave as soon as possible and not let them down is &lt;strong&gt;finding another roommate for them&lt;/strong&gt;. I can't think of another reason for them to want one month's notice except for having to look for another tenant. They would be able to raise the rent to a normal rate and have a higher income, and you would be free to move into your new flat. Plus, normally managing the process of looking for flatmates is quite a hassle, so you'd do them a big favour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're okay with it, you can propose them to look for another roommate, and to pay a weekly share for all the time that room will be free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's really just for your money, approaching them by saying &quot;Sorry, I want to leave ASAP because of [my dog, my declining mental health, my poor ears], but I'll find a new roommate, don't worry&quot;, or even &quot;here's Steve that could stay here paying a full rent&quot; should be a safe approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T23:21:19.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16447" CreationDate="2018-07-12T23:39:40.187" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you might explain to Rachel that you don't want to be judging people on the basis of what other people say about them, and that you would prefer not to hear bad things about people unless they pose some kind of threat to you or someone you care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a particular stigma that has grown up around the word &quot;judgmental&quot;.  It make people afraid to deal with the unpleasantness that they experience, and which causes them distress.  Sometimes you have to be a little bit judgmental.  But you need to draw a line.  For me, personally, the question is whether the issue in question affects me personally.  Thus, if the issue is that two people who are not your children or parents or anyone whose life impacts your own in a major way are sleeping together...that's the bad kind of judgmental.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if someone is doing something that causes you distress, then you have every right to object to being distressed.  If Rachel is willing to stop her bad-mouthing, then you will continue to socialize with her.  But if she isn't, you will need to sever the connection.  You can't control her, but you need to make it clear that you are giving her control over whether you will continue to have a relationship with her.  And you need to be clear about exactly what that control involves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Indirect remarks like &quot;why do we need to know&quot; aren't going to bring this out into the open where it needs to be.  But you also don't want to make it sound like you have the right to &quot;make&quot; her stop what she is doing.  Instead, use &quot;I&quot; language (&quot;I don't feel comfortable with the subject, can we change it?&quot; &quot;It bothers me to be criticizing people who aren't present&quot;, etc) and then it falls on her shoulders (where it belongs) to decide if she values your company enough to change her habits.  If not, the sooner you put distance between you the better.  It's likely to get worse, not better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for her to turn her sharp tongue on you, and decide beforehand how you want to respond.  It's never comfortable to when unpleasant people catch you unprepared or throw you off balance.  Try to imagine how you would respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You have no right to criticize or judge me&quot;&#xA;&quot;I don't think we should criticize or judge anyone, so I'd appreciate if we could keep it out of our conversation&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I didn't know you were such a weeny that you are bothered by things like that&quot;&#xA;&quot;I'm sorry you feel that way, I had thought we were friends, but it doesn't sound like you care anything about my feelings, so I must have been mistaken&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...and so on.  It isn't possible to be completely prepared for the unpleasant turns a confrontation can take, but what helps is if you practice responding in ways that express how you feel in ways that you are comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that you decide beforehand what it will take for you to continue to socialize with her.  What are the possible outcomes?  If she says she won't bad-mouth absent people any more, but doesn't change her behavior, you might decide that's a walk-away.  If she stops, then you can continue having a good relationship.  But what if she cuts down for a while, but then falls back into her habits?  We all need to draw our lines in the sand; with something like this it's better to draw just the one and keep your toes firmly planted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1761" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T23:39:40.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16447" CreationDate="2018-07-12T23:47:36.937" Score="6" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Hate the sin, love the sinner&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The success of this approach depends on how much you like discussing theoretical problems. Shift the discourse from the &amp;quot;sinner&amp;quot; to the &amp;quot;sin&amp;quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rachel: Hear this - Bob had sex with Anna! Can you believe? So typical of his stupid head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I find it interesting that nowadays premarital sex is not considered taboo anymore by many people. Why is that, in your opinion? / Why do you consider sex only a matter for married couples?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, Rachel will still have room to vent about the corruption of this century's youth, but she'll leave Bob and Anna in peace. It may also result in some interesting discussions that involve Rachel's points of view, and this could make you know her better and strengthen your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-12T23:47:36.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16292" CreationDate="2018-07-13T05:39:34.667" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't feel that living with them will be good for you, I beg you, I plead with you from the wisdom born of some of emotionally draining nightmares of college living experiences like yours and far worse: &lt;strong&gt;Make your official moves to not be roomed with them FIRST, figure out how to be nice about breaking the news SECOND.&lt;/strong&gt; The advice on how to be diplomatic others have left here are all more eloquent than I can be but sort out how you are going to live somewhere else before you worry about that.These are your housemates. You have separate lives. You owe them nothing but common courtesy and decency while you are in the same space, which you clearly delivered on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You owe yourself peace of mind and a safe shelter more than you owe these people anything.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way you write your experience out has a tone and word choice to downplay the events that were problematic for you lead me to guess that these girls also treated you like you were (over)reacting to something small, trivial, unimportant. If that is the case and those girls did diminish your response to their behavior as I suspect they did. When I was in a similar position, everything I felt was minimized and downplayed until I was second-guessing everything. I hope that isn't the case for you, but if it is, I would like to take a moment to reinforce that you are not overreacting and those offenses are not understandable things to be upset about. You are having a valid, reasonable, understandable reaction to receiving disrespect, lack of boundaries, lack of empathy, and a lack of regret when their behavior caused you pain, especially from people you live with every single day. That's is, in fact, huge. That is the foundation of basic quality of life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why I want to drive home how important it is that you have your other options squared away. People don't change their lifestyle behaviors without a drastic reason, they just don't, and these 3 will continue to their mistreatment of you until you make it stop, not ask - make. You have the struggle of building a life for yourself with your education and your social life. Your home should not be a place of struggle if the people you are struggling with are not people you are committed to. If the people involved were your romantic partner, or if you even described them as good friends, maybe, but you don't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get free for next year first. Once you do, then you can figure out how to confront (or not confront) letting them know your plans, if you even want to. These may not be people who deserve that much from you. If so, you have a group chat. You can always send one and then block their numbers if things get difficult. Regardless of if or how you do choose to tell them your plans, you will do so from a place of power with your exit already made and your safety and serenity secured as best you can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To that end, I suggest you take immediate and official steps not to live with them on your own, without saying anything.  If you havent done it already, contact University Housing. If you are able, I highly recommend going to the University Housing office, in person, during office hours and having a conversation with someone on staff. Make sure that you see them file the paperwork for placing you somewhere else and that they give you &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;WRITTEN CONFIRMATION&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. If you are unable to do that in person, take those same steps via email. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Do not say a word to these 3 until you have WRITTEN CONFIRMATION that you will not be living with them next term but that you will have a place in university housing, or somewhere else.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have that, in hand, then take the great advice on how to give people bad news that has been shared here. But don't wait. Don't put the responsibility of your peace of mind on the hopes that they'll let you go. Chances are that they won't. You are someone who they can abuse and right now, they seem to know it. Why would they ever release you? People are unpredictable and in a case where your actual living is at stake, you want to know you're safe before you give anything away. Trust me, this sort of thing has happened I've seen it. &lt;strong&gt;This is why I cannot stress enough that you shouldn't say anything to these women until you get all the official documentation finished and you are secure in your placement for next term.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel bad about anything you're doing for any reason at any point, stop and remind yourself of this: &lt;strong&gt;The things they've done hurt you in a real way that you should not and do not have to continue to deal with. You only have one life, one youth, one college experience they don't have the right to get in the way.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take care of yourself first and foremost. May you find peace and ease. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19723" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T05:39:34.667" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16484" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-13T07:23:26.767" Score="0" ViewCount="412" Body="&lt;p&gt;I lend my friend about 95$. I considered him a relatively close friend. I've always been a little forgetful, so after I lend him the money, it took some time for me to contact him about the exact amout of money he owes me. We recently visited an event where I took pictures with my camera and told him that I'd send the pictures when i get home, this was also the moment where I lend him the money. In the following weeks he told me multiple times to send the pictures and every time I forgot to do so (I understand completely that this is bad and that I should have sended the pictures when he aked me to). I have now asked him multiple times to pay back the money he owes me and yesterday he basically told me that he is not going to give me my money back until i send him the pictures i took.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, my problem is not the money, I can live good without it, this is about trust and our friendship. I feel betrayed since I lend him the money in good trust. How can I trust him in the future when he asks for money? I do understand that he wants the pictures, but using the money I lend him as a way of getting the pictures I took feels wrong to me especially since I considered him a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the right way to handle the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19732" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T07:37:10.650" Title="Friend owes me money - not giving it back" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-07-13T09:34:37.133" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16484" CreationDate="2018-07-13T07:36:31.650" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't lend money to friends&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 1 is just that. Never lend money to a friend if you can't miss it, because you might not get it back without losing a friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, that doesn't really help you here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just give him the pictures&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He wants pictures, you want your money. You do not mention any reason why you can't give him the pictures you took, so just... give him those pictures so he gives you the money back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not &quot;fair&quot;, it's not what was agreed upon, but at least you'll have your money. After that, reconsider if you want to remain friends with him, but worry about that -after- you've gotten your money back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4666" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T07:36:31.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16484" CreationDate="2018-07-13T07:37:10.650" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Send him the pictures for one simple reason: You promised. Just because your friend is treating them as part of this conflict, doesn't mean you should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then sit your friend down and talk it out. There are two subjects here that are both important.&#xA;First talk about how it made you feel, it is important to work through the emotions so you can talk about the next subject rationally and fairly.&#xA;Then talk about how the two of you will handle similar situations in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he paid you back, don't mention the money during this talk. If he hasn't paid you back only talk about it after you get a good method out of the second subject and apply that method here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19735" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T07:37:10.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16487" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16491" CreationDate="2018-07-13T09:21:32.827" Score="42" ViewCount="13520" Body="&lt;p&gt;My 16-year-old sister  (only 5&quot;2') was waiting in line, when a burly, sturdy,  tattooed man jumped the line in front of her. No other persons were around them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She felt too scared by his brawniness to ask him to line up as he ought to have. Instead she just gawked at him. He then spouted:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What's the matter with you, little girl?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She still felt too frightened to reply, and said nothing. &#xA;But now, she regrets not speaking up and asking him to line up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T13:42:05.103" LastActivityDate="2019-06-29T21:39:24.267" Title="How can a girl ask a heavily tattooed, tall man who jumped the line, to get in line?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;queueing&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16487" CreationDate="2018-07-13T09:27:07.277" Score="108" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, in such a situation, most people may actually not cut the line on purpose. A gentle reminder that he did cut the line would be advised. Using kind words such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, I'm actually in the queue for [item or shop here].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the man did not intend to cut he might move behind or apologize, if he did intend to cut the line and rebuts her, then it would be wise to step down and let it slide, confrontation would not be a recommended path in this situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="1959" LastEditDate="2018-07-13T12:24:48.087" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T12:24:48.087" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16489" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-13T09:32:26.800" Score="52" ViewCount="12219" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've recently started working on a new project, in a team of around 10 people. I'm the only female on that team, but the guys are awesome and it's a great, fun group of people to work with. Once a week, we work at a location where there's another team of around 10 people, and we all have lunch together. One big happy group of 20 people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the other team, there's another female (also the only one on that team). She's a little older than me and married with kids (I'm 27 and single). She's the type of person that makes me feel a little hesitant from the minute we met, it's almost like she's too eager to become friends and tries to force herself into whatever I’m doing. Whenever I walk to get a cup of coffee/water, she stands up and walks with me, trying to strike up a conversation. When there's lunch break, she tries to 'claim' me for conversation as well, and I always feel a little suffocated and singled out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind talking to her, but since there's 20 colleagues and a lot of them have interesting hobbies/stories to tell, I do want to have a conversation with more than 1 person at a time when we're having coffee or lunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I'm having those conversations with people other than her, she tends to talk herself into it as well. That's usually not that uncommon for people to do, but she always manages to do so in a way that I find pretty awkward, since it's almost always focused on something she, her kids or one of her family members did, it’s always only tangentially related to the thing we're talking about &lt;strong&gt;and it’s always directed at me personally.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example: At lunch, my group was a little earlier than hers, so I was already in a conversation with 3-4 co-workers about the kinds of stories we like to read. When she arrived at the lunch table, she sat next to me, listened for a few sentences, then blurted out something to me about borrowing books at the library for her kids that wasn't really related to the whole 'what do you like to read' conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not averse to engaging her in the conversation, but I really wanted to keep the conversation on the level where I can get to know my co-workers a little better, so I tried to engage her in the conversation by asking what kinds of books she likes to borrow from the library, hoping we could continue the topic with her in it as well. She mentioned a few books she had read, and I and the other co-workers picked up the conversation from there, discussing similar books/writing styles and whether or not we liked them or preferred other stuff. The weird thing is that as soon as the conversation moved on, the female co-worker fell silent again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, conversation changed to other topics, and she tried another two or three times to engage in it, but always the same, by making an unrelated remark (kind of gruff too, she sounded somehow a little angry and upset or tired of the conversation), and then falling silent again. It's almost like she wants my undivided attention, because she's very (almost &lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt;) chatty and friendly in a one-on-one conversation whenever we have these, and I've since learned she does like to read and could certainly have contributed to the lunchbreak conversation by being ‘trapped’ at the water cooler with her for fifteen minutes. It feels like I’m being forced into being friends with her, and that’s she’s trying to single me out from the guys, preventing me from getting to know them better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’d like the female co-worker to feel free to participate in any conversation I’m having with the guys (like any other normal person/colleague), so I'd rather not ignore her. But I also want her to know I’m not hers to claim, and give off a signal (doesn’t necessarily have to be verbal) that she’s claiming me too much and I’m not appreciative of her forcing a friendship/derailing conversations/singling me out like it feels she’s doing now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I handle this co-worker awkwardly forcing herself into conversations in such a way that she doesn’t feel excluded, but also not encouraged to continue their behaviour of trying to get my undivided attention?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-07T17:27:02.990" Title="How can I handle a co-worker awkwardly forcing herself into conversations?" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16487" CreationDate="2018-07-13T09:56:34.960" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I once had a girlfriend who was 4.95 feet (1.51m) tall. As small as the body was, as  inversely proportionate strong (bad?) was the temper. She would not let it go smoothly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I witnessed some pretty awkward situations like that, and this is what she did:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hi mate! Am I so tiny and skinny that you can't even see me?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Excuse me... Sorry... [ squeezing and moving past them again ]. Thanks (what an awkward look from the man then!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tap his back, saying: you have 3 seconds before I have you hit the ground. Move back in line. NOW.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stand in front of the guy, fist on the hip, staring at him, angry look: really?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me tell you how scared I was anytime this happened.&#xA;I feared that it would escalate to a point of no return. What next? What if the guy hit her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily, nothing ever happened, as the guy was so stunned, he would not say a single word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, the man knows he jumped the line, as he tries to stop any possible argument before it starts. So, I would strongly recommend saying nothing more than, with no sarcasm in the voice (as it's already in the words) : &quot;&lt;em&gt;I was here first, but, as you leave me with no choice but wait more, I don't mind you jumping line. Please proceed.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He'll hear the protest, and your point of view, but you don't try to get your place back. No argument whatsoever. End of the story, hopefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't tease the guy, as it can quickly become a much more harder situation for her to handle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-16T00:22:33.483" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T00:22:33.483" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16487" CreationDate="2018-07-13T10:06:32.723" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you try to see the bigger picture behind both people's behavior, you end up with positions of power:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The man is of big build, has signs of his personality tatooed all over his his skin, and either doesn't see anything wrong with what he did or doesn't care. He is in a position of great power and broadcasts that power to everyone around him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your sister is young, of small build, shy and frightened at the situation. She sees herself in a position of low or no power and broadcasts that lack of power by not speaking up and most likely also in her posture and gestures.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she asked the man to line up in her position of low power, she probably wouldn't have accomplished her goal. The key is to even out the power levels. And the way to do that, especially if you are shy and frightened, is to play-act like an actress does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Signs of high power are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Upright posture, shoulders held back, head high (but not in a big-headed way)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Unwavering eye contact. Don't let your gaze jump all over the other persons face, but focus on one of their eyes and let your focus stay there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Actually &lt;strong&gt;speak&lt;/strong&gt; to the other person. Don't let them do whatever they want without protest.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Speak loudly, clearly and with a confident voice. This one is very hard when you are actually nervous or afraid.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make your body stay still. Do not fiddle with your fingers, do not step from foot to foot, do not make hectic gestures. This one is also hard for many people but can be learned by observing how politicians move when holding speeches.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remember that no-one can read your mind. No-one actually knows &lt;strong&gt;how&lt;/strong&gt; nervous you are. If you can play the role well enough, they will think you are calm and confident.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these techniques can be learned and trained. I'm sure you will find a situation to train your &quot;power acting skills&quot; at least once a week, be it at school or in your free time. The more you train, the better you will become at acting, and the more you will realize how other people react to this act. This will strengthen your self confidence so with time you will just &lt;strong&gt;be&lt;/strong&gt; confident instead of &lt;strong&gt;acting&lt;/strong&gt; confident. You fake it till you make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my personal experience, these acting skills are extremely valuable in school (think of presenting something in front of the class) and later in job interviews, but also in your everyday life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="2889" LastEditDate="2018-07-14T14:48:10.730" LastActivityDate="2018-07-14T14:48:10.730" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16492" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16489" CreationDate="2018-07-13T10:15:50.983" Score="84" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're basically describing a fairly typical introverts' behavior, so I'm going to try and give some insight into what she's doing, and why. It could be wrong, but since you've described every introvert I've ever known (myself included), I don't think I am, and it may help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Introverts frequently have a much harder time in large group social settings than small 1:1 settings.  You're the only female on your team, she's the only female on hers. Boom, there's an instant 'in' for her to try and get over the discomfort that this type of scenario describes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She likely seems too eager because becoming friends with someone she can most easily identify with is &lt;em&gt;IMPORTANT&lt;/em&gt; to her, where it's less likely important to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of us overdo this, because we don't like these types of settings, we don't practice it as much. Some of us work at it but some of us will only engage when we're forced to (such as via a work function). I've been actively working on this for the past 20 years or so, so much of this is coming from my past experience, rather than current.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The short answer, and the one you actually asked for, is probably simply to tell her what she's doing bothers you. She currently sees you as her lifeline, someone who she has something in common with and as her 'in' to the rest of the group. If you tell her that she's consuming too much of your time, she WILL stop seeing you as that lifeline and will stop. She's latching on to you because she believes you have something in common and she feels like you're the best way to feel comfortable in a larger group. If you display that you aren't, in almost any way, she'll back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you want to get her to change by being better in group scenarios, there's a few ways to go about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her if these settings stress her out.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Relate to being the only female on the team, and see if she opens up about how 'you understand!'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask her if any of her other team members have children (I'm betting they don't, or they don't talk about them much. If they did, they would be the one she'd most relate to)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answers to those questions reveal that she is, in fact, uncomfortable in these settings and is just looking for a way to be included, try introducing her.  Not like, &quot;This is Mary who you've worked with for a year&quot;, but something like &quot;Mary was telling me the other day about her interest in bees. Dave, you said you used to keep bees, isn't that right?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she feels included, she'll stop trying to force herself into feeling included (awkwardly). However, it's often very difficult for parents and single people to have much in common, and that may just be the unfortunate reality of this particular situation if people don't want to talk about what matters to her because you don't have many shared interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastEditorUserId="13051" LastEditDate="2018-07-31T08:22:56.140" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T08:22:56.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16494" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-13T10:54:53.227" Score="-1" ViewCount="1785" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been dating a girl for almost one year and a half now. I am 24 and she is 22 and we are both from South America.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We started as friends with benefits but after meeting for almost 6 months we started dating. I would like to point out that we really didn't talk about it, I just assumed that after 6 months being friends with benefits, it would be time to be a couple and so did her, we did talk about being exclusive though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I really like this girl and enjoy being with her as she's so much fun. The problem is that since I was little I have been always caring about what others may think. Therefore, when I go outside with her, or if I have to introduce her to my colleagues or friends, I am ashamed as I really care of what will others might think about her physical appearance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is my problem and there is no way that it is her fault. However, this fact makes it impossible to me to see her as a girlfriend, as I am not comfortable hanging out with her when other people might see us. I would like to see her as a friend as apart from that aspect and as I stated before I really like her and enjoy being with her, but I feel that somehow I am &lt;em&gt;cheating&lt;/em&gt; her while being a couple as she doesn't know that I don't want her as a gilfriend until this problem is fixed, I would like to keep her as a friend of friends with benefits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She does know that I am ashamed of being in public of her and so one as she realized and asked me why I was not uploading picture of both of us in social networks and so on. What she doesn't know is that I don't see her as a girlfriend due to this fact. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After talking with a friend of mine I have realised that this behaviour is not good as I am not being honest and I would like to tell her the truth, I would like to you to point me out some ideas on how to approach the topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for you to know, lastly we have not been well together as I am going alone on a trip for 1 month with one of my best friends who I met before her and who I have been liking for more than 2 years now (I like both of them). So my SO is really jealous and with reason as I talk a lot with my friend and I wouldn't mind to have an affair with the friend I am going with to the trip even if my SO doesn't know that. My SO doesn't know I still like this girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best friend has boyfriend and she lives far away from me -another continent- so I don't want to be in a relationship with her, although if she lived near me without boyfriend I would consider the option as I really like her too. I don't want to stop my relationship because of the trip of because of her, I just feel that I am not being honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any advice will be welcome. And if you need any other info to help me on how to approach this situation, feel free to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19747" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T13:26:58.337" Title="How to tell my SO I am ashamed of people seeing us together" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-07-13T13:01:20.047" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16497" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16334" CreationDate="2018-07-13T11:31:45.940" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;A significant element with breast lumps is whether they're painful or uncomfortable to touch.  Or at least more so than someone generally poking at soft tissue!  So instead of asking &quot;Is that normal?&quot;, maybe ask &quot;Does that feel uncomfortable?  I'm asking because...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not something you can easily mention right now, or perhaps even at the next date.  You really don't want to throw in a passion-killer like that on a date! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if things go &quot;further&quot; in future, then after sex (&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;NOT&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; straight after, but maybe while you're getting dressed?) might be a time when she's not embarrassed at you feeling her breasts, and where you can talk about intimate things like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3562" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T11:31:45.940" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16499" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16494" CreationDate="2018-07-13T12:25:46.597" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;After talking with a friend of mine I have realised that this behaviour is not good as I am not being honest and I would like to tell her the truth...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not how I would approach this problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like being with this person, get over your shame. You can easily desensitize yourself to it if you do it little by little. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First start going out in public in front of people you don't know, go to another city if you have to, then slowly let her meet some of your friends. The same goes for pictures. You can gradually show her in the pictures on your social media. First, the pictures can be low resolution and then you can gradually increase the resolution and the details. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really do want to tell her the truth, think about your objective first. What is it? What do you really want?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you want a temporary relationship, a long term one, or do you want a polyamorous one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to disclosing the truth, you do not need to disclose everything. Nor do you need to explain everything. Think of truth as an onion with multiple layers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explaining everything is also an approval-seeking method. It's giving your power away. Don't do it. Don't explain. Don't justify yourself. Don't do it with her. And don't do it with your friends, even if they start criticizing your choice in women and asking you for an explanation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say what you want. If people don't agree. That's tough on them. That's not your problem. Trying to control what others think of you is futile anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-13T13:09:49.820" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T13:09:49.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16441" CreationDate="2018-07-13T13:14:14.653" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Clearly you get from Katie something that you are unable to get from your wife, it just happens to be &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; romance. That's why your wife is jealous. The fact that the missing thing is not romance doesn't help much. Think about it: if you believe that your wife would be mad if you were seeing someone who is a better lover that her, why wouldn't she be mad if you were seeing someone who is a better chat partner or travel buddy? For many women, talking and spending time together is &lt;strong&gt;just as important&lt;/strong&gt; as sex, perhaps even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So there's no point in trying to convince your wife that you are just friends, as she most probably knows that already, and that's not the point. The core of the problem is that &lt;strong&gt;you've met someone who's got a bigger place in your life that your wife has&lt;/strong&gt;. If you keep the status quo, your marriage probably won't last long, and convincing your wife that you're being faithful will not be enough to save it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should really ask yourself whether you really enjoy being with your wife. If you do, start spending your free time with her instead of Katie. If not, you have the opportunity to part ways with your wife before one of you cheats on the other and things get ugly and poisonous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;To reiterate:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;why shouldn't you try to convince your wife?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because that's not the problem here. Your wife may trust you completely, or otherwise be convinced that you're just friends, and still be jealous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;what should you do instead?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depends on what you want to achieve. If you enjoy being with your wife, act like you do by spending time with her. If not, tell that to her now, because breaking up won't get any easier as time goes by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastEditorUserId="3211" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T20:31:38.307" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T20:31:38.307" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16503" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-13T13:52:22.643" Score="39" ViewCount="61094" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About our relationship:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend and I have been together happily for two years now. We both love each other very much and we're always growing closer. We're planning to move in together in a few months, but for these whole two years we've always had one underlying issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend has always had close female friends. It seems no matter where he goes or what he does he's always befriending more girls. I know that he would never do anything to hurt me on purpose, but I can't help but be afraid that he'll unknowingly cross some emotional line and become too close to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried to bring this up with him, but he always acts defensive and the conversation ends up going nowhere. He'll use arguments scarily similar to the ones being made in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/16441/11811&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; (though not nearly to that extent).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I successfully let him know how I feel so we can have a productive conversation about boundaries without him immediately getting defensive?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My ideal goal from a conversation like this would be to compromise on boundaries between him and other girls. Again, when I've tried this in the past by being straightforward he gets defensive and asks me why I can't trust him to be smart about these things. From my perspective, it seems like he should have respect for me enough not to put himself in potentially compromising situations (like for example, being alone with a girl in her apartment or her room).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19724" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-07-13T14:39:12.100" LastActivityDate="2019-10-16T17:34:59.763" Title="Talking to boyfriend about his close female friends" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-13T14:20:54.913" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe that you are approaching this conversation in the wrong way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off with how you are talking to us about it you are framing it as a confrontation. Which is exactly what you said you want to avoid. If you go into the conversation looking to confront your boyfriend then you are framing it as a hostile or argumentative meeting which basically requires him to be on the defensive. Think about what your actual goal for the conversation is. Is it to have a confrontation with your boyfriend, or do you want to not feel insecure about their female friends? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This segues well into my second point. You've already had conversations like this before. Your boyfriend already knows how you feel about their friends. If the goal was simply to let him know how you feel, you've already done that. It seems to me like the conversation is more about trying to get him to establish some boundaries with his friends. When talking to partners about my insecurities I've found it helpful to have a solid understanding of my goal for having the conversation before starting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The easiest way to not make your partner defensive when starting a conversation like this one is to use &lt;em&gt;I statements&lt;/em&gt;. These are statements of the form &quot;I feel [feeling word], when you [description of situation]. I would like [desired course of action]&quot;. Such statements are beneficial for a couple of reasons. First off they require you to think about the situation critically while you're composing the statement, which helps you have a better understanding of your actual goals as you move forward with the conversation. More importantly they frame things in a way that is much less likely to put people on the defensive. The speaker is taking ownership for their feelings and is talking about, not demanding, a particular solution. This gives the recipient time to respond without needing to defend themself or their actions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This being said I personally don't think that establishing boundaries is your actual goal. It seems to me that what you really want is to not feel insecure about your partner crossing emotional lines with their friends and hurting you. It might be beneficial to reframe the conversation to be about finding a way to feel secure, with boundaries as a potential solution, rather than having your only goal being creating boundaries. When I've talked to my partners about my insecurities regarding their other relationships I've found that this is helpful to me since sometimes all I need is for my partner to acknowledge and empathize with how I'm feeling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T14:20:54.913" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16489" CreationDate="2018-07-13T16:35:06.260" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;AHamilton's answer is fantastic.  Here are some other things in addition to his answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She could be in a relationship where her husband gets jealous easily.  Or, she may be just be uncomfortable around men.  You may want to get to know her a little better to discover if there is something more to this behavior.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could introduce her to other people and find something they have in common.  Lets say she is a fan of Tour De France.  You could introduce her to &quot;Phil&quot; who is also a fan, get the conversation going, and then walk away.  For introverts, Phil might be working closely together and never really know each other!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is the uncomfortable type you could introduce her to one of those guys that are very non-threatening.  If she does have a jealous husband, you should encourage her to invite him out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5061" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T16:35:06.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-13T19:06:02.437" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having been in the boyfriend's shoes, I recommend that you take the time to understand what your boyfriend gains from his female friends BEFORE you start telling him how you feel about the situation. sphennings's answer list good technique in general about how to express your feelings on the situation, but it's important to not make the whole thing about you. You're asking your boyfriend to change a fundamental behavior and change his interactions with people that possibly pre-date your relationship. This is a big change that warrants taking the time to understand his side of the story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, in general, I prefer female friends some times, because all of the constant one upping and ball busting behavior with guys my age gets on my nerves. Some times when I hang out with the guys, it suddenly feels really competitive and like everyone is trying to assert their dominance. My wife feels the same way when she hangs out with some of her female friends.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Strategies that work for my wife and I in this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give your partner an opportunity to meet and hangout your new potential opposite sex friend. It will make your partner feel more at ease if they get a chance to interact with that person too. Be sure to listen to your partner when they express their concerns.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make friends together. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Set clear boundaries for what is acceptable behavior. Are one-on-one drinks off limits for instance? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure the rules are reciprocal and fair. Otherwise one partner feels like they're getting the raw end of the deal. If you're asking your boyfriend to change your interaction with his female friends, you should also change your interactions with your male friends if you haven't already.    &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastEditorUserId="17869" LastEditDate="2019-10-16T17:34:59.763" LastActivityDate="2019-10-16T17:34:59.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16510" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16511" CreationDate="2018-07-13T17:35:27.640" Score="8" ViewCount="2991" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some quick background.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am the second of five children in my family. I live with my older sister in a city located at 88 miles from our hometown. I'm 27 years old and my sister is 29. &#xA;Meanwhile the rest of my family live in my hometown.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My youngest sister (20) had been acting the past months in a way that is already unbearable for the rest of my family. She is mean to everyone and doesn't like to do chores, recently quit her job and sleeps almost all day. Two days ago, she had a huge fight with my mom and left the house without giving notice of where was she going to go. She was &quot;missing&quot; for about a day and a half, didn't answer calls and had all of us worried for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She finally called me and told me she was staying in a hotel room and eating junk food (she has the money of her severance payment) and also told me she was definitely not going to return home. She asked me to let her live in my flat (the one I share with my sister) and if I said no, she would do anything else but return home. I said yes, but I know she plans now to settle in this city, find a job, etc., the thing is I don't really want to live with her permanently altought she is my sister because our personalities don't have a good match and I don't entirely trust her. I just want to help her temporarily and I want to state that to her really clearly to avoid misunderstandings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to make clear to my sister that I won't let her to live forever in my house?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16412" OwnerDisplayName="Wendy" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T22:54:31.783" Title="How to set boundaries to a younger sister who wants to live in my house?" Tags="&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16510" CreationDate="2018-07-13T20:04:48.977" Score="19" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Give her a goal for departure&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My in-laws are saints and open their house up to a lot of men who were recently released from prison. They let them stay for a while and help them find a job, participate in family things, etc. Occasionally someone will get too comfortable, or too scared to leave, or whatever, and they have to push them out. Most of them don't have this problem, though. The reason? &lt;strong&gt;They determine a goal from the beginning for each of these guys, and some ground rules for living there.&lt;/strong&gt; They are generally more on the forgiving side, but each of their guests are aware when their time to stay is up, so it can help grease the door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is to have a reasonable goal for her. Although you should arrive at it together and in a friendly way, you must be stern and you must do it before she moves in, or at least before she settles in. &lt;strong&gt;This goal needs to relate to the reason you are allowing her to stay&lt;/strong&gt;, like 3 months to find a new place, 6 months to find a job and get on her feet, or 4 months to repair her relationships at home, etc. This means that &lt;strong&gt;your first step is to honestly question &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you are allowing her to stay with you.&lt;/strong&gt; That should help you to arrive at a suitable criteria for her terms of staying and deadline for departure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't think it is fair for you to limit her stay, I'm sure you can come up with some compelling reasons. Here are a few ideas (some are better than others):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you had wanted an extra roommate, you would have gotten a bigger place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She ought to try setting out on her own and discover herself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She can't pay rent (this is a dangerous one in case she gets a job and starts paying)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your maturity/lifestyle is too different to allow long-term cohabitation without contention.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just remember, she is your baby sister, and she is going through a hard time right now. Go easy on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T23:07:01.460" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-13T20:58:54.493" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before I answer the question directly, I want to say that I'm sorry for what you're going through and how you might be feeling. I also want to say that this isn't likely to go well for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know that he would never do anything to hurt me on purpose&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you don't think he'll &lt;em&gt;deliberately&lt;/em&gt; get feelings for someone else...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;but I can't help but be afraid that he'll unknowingly cross some&#xA;  emotional line and become too close to them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... you just think he'll &lt;em&gt;accidentally&lt;/em&gt; get feelings for someone else. Well yeah- that's usually how it works. People don't usually fall in love with someone else &lt;em&gt;purposefully&lt;/em&gt;; it just happens. You might as well tell him to shield his eyes when he goes to the coffee shop because he may become smitten at first sight with the barista- that happens for people all the time, though usually not for people in committed relationships. You could also reason that it'd be appropriate to ask him to refrain from small talk with pretty women because who knows what could come from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you may argue that I'm exaggerating a bit, and you'd be correct. But the point I'm making is: &lt;strong&gt;Where do you draw the line?&lt;/strong&gt; And wherever that line is, you can't ask him not to cross it- all you can do is make a decision about the relationship if he crosses it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I successfully let him know how I feel so we can have a&#xA;  productive conversation about boundaries without him immediately&#xA;  getting defensive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but you can't have this conversation successfully. You're not establishing boundaries between him and you. You're not establishing boundaries between your shared home and his parents dropping by unannounced. &lt;em&gt;You're trying to establish boundaries between him and his relationships with other people.&lt;/em&gt; I'm not saying that you don't have a right to be hurt or concerned but what I'm saying is that you can't negotiate the boundaries that other people have between &lt;em&gt;each other&lt;/em&gt;. However this conversation turns out, even if it seems like it went smoothly, you're likely to find that you're not going to convince him to change his personality and the way he conducts himself with his friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You either need to trust him completely which means trust that he'll refrain from going further if he notices a spark of romantic interest for one of his friends, or you need to decide if he's crossing a line that you're not willing to put up with. But these kinds of conversations rarely have productive results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9146" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-14T08:25:47.777" LastActivityDate="2018-07-14T08:25:47.777" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16513" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-13T21:43:39.930" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a civilized person means not acting on impulses in conflict with your code of ethics.  It does not mean never having such impulses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously you cannot expect your boyfriend to never feel romantic attraction to any woman other than you, like it would be unrealistic to expect someone to never feel appetite while grocery shopping.  But unless he happened to be starving, that should not make him lose control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will not likely work to make your boyfriend beholden to you by locking him away.  Talk about and set your expectations about what each other is supposed to &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; rather than &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt;.  This may also involve expectations about &lt;em&gt;communicating&lt;/em&gt; changes of feeling that are recognized as being of more than transitory nature.  You cannot make people responsible for their feelings (and thus you cannot base trust on them), but you can make them responsible for how they act on them.  So talk it out, get to an understanding of how you expect the other to handle himself and how you expect to be trusted to handle yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when you find that you have been mistaken in your abilities of either, talk again.  A dedicated relationship is both a boon and a responsibility, and sometimes a bit of love and trust can provide more of a payoff to the other than it costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user19781" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T21:43:39.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16196" CreationDate="2018-07-13T22:40:06.393" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say something like, &quot;Excuse me, this is urgent.&quot; Or even, &quot;excuse me, this could be important.&quot; Then stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of two things will happen. They will stop talking and let you present your message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or they won't, even though you tell them, that is &quot;urgent&quot;or at least &quot;important.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the second case, I would send an email, as scohe suggests, and apologize for interrupting them with an &quot;urgent&quot; message while they were talking, ask for time to deliver it, and copy management.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, do this only when it is urgent or important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastActivityDate="2018-07-13T22:40:06.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14097" CreationDate="2018-07-13T22:48:54.043" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If Bob doesn't clean up after himself, under the circumstances, before he is &quot;talked to,&quot; he is &quot;ignorant.&quot; If Bob doesn't clean up &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; being talked to, he's a &quot;freeloader.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob has been &quot;talked to.&quot; He is no longer &quot;ignorant.&quot; It's time for the next step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not (yet) necessary to cut him off completely, but you might suggest to Mike that he be &quot;partly&quot; cut off by being invited only, say, every other time, or only &quot;two times out of three.&quot; Bob may start to wonder why he was sometimes missed. More to the point, others may start to wonder, and that could be a good thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or perhaps Bob's laundry privileges can be curbed until he starts &quot;contributing.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above gives Bob a &quot;last chance&quot; to shape up. If he doesn't, he should be cut off completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="71" LastEditorUserId="71" LastEditDate="2018-11-28T20:13:05.127" LastActivityDate="2018-11-28T20:13:05.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16525" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16487" CreationDate="2018-07-14T08:59:22.060" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Anything. She needs to say literally anything because right now, this is the beginning. You don't have to start out running. You can warm up first, stretch, and speed up at your own pace. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend's sister, 16, was silent and afraid chances are it's because she froze. That's okay. He wanted her to be afraid. That was what he was going for. To have a fight/flight/freeze fear response; that behavior is normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no idea if she has any experience with any people of any gender or size disrespecting her in and taking what was she had claimed as hers in public but based on your description I would guess it hasn't happened often. The first shock of realizing that some people really are going to treat you like that, it's pretty awful and it can freeze you up. I know for me the only cure was practice, and I was well into my 20s before I could look a someone in the eye and tell him to get back in line without tripping up and I still choke sometimes and I know a lot of people who do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's freezing up rather than stuck on what to say, she should start, if she wants to find a way through, by saying anything. It doesn't matter what. The people above in this group have given great suggestions of what to say to be heard and what how to present yourself with authority but I want to address something else - what it's like if (or when) a person aren't instantly able to stand up for themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as she opens her mouth and get a sound out, even if all that comes out is a squeak or a &quot;hey&quot;, it's a win for the situation. It's progress. It's exposure to the stimulus and building experience in confrontation which is incredibly hard and is going to trigger that freeze response, made more difficult if standing up to someone who is trying to intimidate. Since the response is going to be to freeze most often in that particular confrontation which is why the push through to anything is so important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What people don't talk about enough is that no matter what comes out - even if it's a flawless remark that is composed, confident, and witty - she need to be prepared to be ignored, told no, be insulted or otherwise have a negative outcome. That possibility is very very real and when it happens, she should brace herself for physical reactions like dry mouth, blushing or flushing, stammering, sweating. The emotions it can cause can be really powerful too - usually they're embarrassment, shame, weakness, a sense of being small, and defeat. It's going to happen repeatedly. Probably often. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't say all that awful stuff  discourage her. On the contrary it's because standing up to people is a skill just like everything else and well prepared is well armed and well informed is well prepared. If you know those symptoms are coming then you know you'll live. Those feelings aren't forever. They fade quickly especially when focusing on the fact that even small practice is forward progress and more than the time before. Faced, it is something that can lose it's fearfulness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing I've noticed in myself and in my friends is that its not what to say that's hard. It is the confrontation itself. You know that you want to say something but since we know how it feels to fail a confrontation but most people don't practice it and inure themselves and inuring the feelings of failed confrontations - when you need to say or do something, the action won't come over the fear of the consequence. It's why that guy's tiny awesome girlfriend in the other answer is able to do what she does. People freeze when faced with confrontation because they don't have the practice, she does. The serving the first volley like Mr. Big did is easy. If you have enough practice under your belt that you can actually come back with the return, you've usually won. It is rare for it to go back to the server. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, all the things here about acting and presentation and what to say, please, do take them back to her. But also take this if you can. Practice actually confronting small personal injustices with something, anything. The more she does it, the more power she'll have to use when she really needs it no matter what it is that she wants to put it behind.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19723" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2019-06-29T21:39:24.267" LastActivityDate="2019-06-29T21:39:24.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16527" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-14T10:37:17.630" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a theory on the &quot;I don't know it just happens.&quot; part of this issue, which your description seems to indicate he does seems to be attracting them and that it is genuinely platonic. Another guy on the thread does too. And that does, actually, happen. And actually, there's the interest thing (pottery guy) but if you have a circumstances like this where no matter what, it seems to keep happening, sometimes there's a more psychosocial reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is often a limit to the way straight men are allowed to interact with each other emotionally due to toxic masculinity, an adherence to traditional gender roles that restrict the kinds of emotions allowable for males to express in social situations. It hasn't always been that way but that is how it is now. Get too soft, too emotional, too vulnerable, too close, and you could be considered &quot;feminine&quot; or &quot;gay&quot; - the ultimate transgressions against traditional masculinity. The incomparable Tony Porter founder and CEO of A Call To Men, an sexual violence education and prevention organization focuses on healthy manhood specifically dealing with countering negative outcomes in the current socialization of boys in terms of respect, emotionality, understanding and understanding of the culture, deconstructs how the threat of being &quot;girly&quot; is used as a weapon against young men and how it represses their ability to connect with each other in his talks very simply. They aren't safe with each other not because there's something wrong with boys. There's not. The lesson's they're taught though, &quot;Boys don't cry&quot; &quot;Be a man&quot; &quot;Suck it up&quot; lead to a shared culture of emotional containment even when friendships develop. For a large number of men, friendships will not provide a safe or comfortable place for vulnerability and openness because of messages they received from family, friends, peers, older adults around them, the media, and society at large. Many of men who find themselves in those circumstances tend to rely on their romantic partner for all their emotional support because that's where it's &quot;allowed&quot; to feel things and share etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, of course, thats not the case of every man! Plenty of men are able to be vulnerable and connect with their friends, to lean on them for support and create deep bonds that go beyond social activities. But. The socialization is still there - the pressure of manhood behavior expectations exist even in close relationships, even if a given friend unit give that expectation the bird and share their souls to each other on the regular. Toxic masculinity has an influence that can linger and for some, it's a fact of life. However, there are a different set of restrictions for women and so women aren't like that in their friendships. Their socialization is different. Friendships between women often foster emotionality tend to train women to foster that open communication and support style in their relationships more frequently. Why's that matter? Well, sometimes even men who are perfectly capable of being open, emotional, vulnerable and connected to themselves and other people 100% platonically, the socialization still left a mark on this aspect of their lives and their comfort level(which is WILDLY separate from acceptance, understanding, belief, and knowledge) with the fact that men are emotional beings, find it easier to connect with women than men. If it's okay for a man to connect with women, why shouldn't he create friendships with them out of those connections? No reason at all because closing off is proved to be counterproductive to psychological and physical wellness and that closeness is not limited to family and partners. We all need friends and as a lady, you are probably aware that women kick ass. He seems to realize this too. Good for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;SO!I said all of that to say this: there is a very distinct possibility that your boyfriend has a high number of female friends because he's an emotionally in touch human being who wants and values friends he can connect with emotionally but because of the way the current masculine paradigm socializes its boys from the day they're born, has a harder time making meaningful friendships with men than with women. Which is shitty because it shouldn't be so hard for men to open up to each other but according to all my guy friends? It is very very hard but it's much easier with girls. And the fact that male/female relationships have been romanticized and eroticized as the most acceptable way for a man to have strong emotions, to the point where you fear he will accidentally fall in love with someone else? Only stresses the point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he has a lot of female friends, and you believe him when he tells you they are truly friends (And why wouldn't you believe him when he tells you they are friends? Has he ever lied to you before? Has he given you a reason not to trust him? It's been two years. You don't have to like them or know them but do you know him, so you can use your best judgement there. ) chances are you may have to face the fact that he is a man who is more comfortable with female friends because of the reality in which we live. If so, the problem does NOT come from him or his friends or even from your jealousy itself but the structure of society as it currently functioning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That in no way diminishes this problem at all or the pain you feel. What it does is changes what kind of solution your problem needs. If this is the reality of the source and type of friendships he has, then he's doing nothing wrong and you're doing nothing wrong - the world is wrong. But since you can't fix the world right now, if that is the source of your current problem, then your solutions become about acceptance and changing perspective and shifting your attitude and understanding. That sucks a big one because changing oneself is a much much harder thing to do than agreeing on phone calls and meeting times. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you were well on your way to the same conclusion. You came here asking to TALK about this issue, how to DEAL WITH YOUR JEALOUSY as a boundary, not tell him how to stop having friends. That's way more than I've seen people react to this sort of thing and considering the fact that you WERE yelling at him and now have moved forward to I statements and changing your own behavior, there is a very real possibility that you and your relationship are both having awful growing pains against the bounds of the existing very small heteronormative box of what you think interpersonal relationships should look like between men and women. You are bigger than those norms are and I think you know that because you seem very aware that your jealousy-based anxieties don't make sense completely logical sense.  Because of that, I hope you will remember that we girls also get awful messages that poured into our heads from the cradle - in particular about Other Women as predatory competition, man-stealers, and that only way for men and women to meaningfully interact is romantically and sexually we are flooded with by movies and tv and the internet inescapably. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry I dont have any specific suggestion about how to go about fixing your circumstances. I hope you'll consider these more abstract aspects when you're facing this very concrete problem. I don't have the whole picture but if it applies, I hope it may help give you a new lens with which to examine your feelings, options and possibly your situation as a whole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19723" LastEditorUserId="19723" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T05:19:56.890" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T05:19:56.890" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16532" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16533" CreationDate="2018-07-14T12:33:28.857" Score="4" ViewCount="405" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in US local government organization. Most of my team are middle-age men who are busy with their families, and are looking towards retirements. They are nice folks to collaborate, talk to at work, and try to help each other out&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we are getting team-members who are young like me. I'm unsure how to go past saying &quot;hi --- bye&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to make friends with my new teammates, but I'm unsure how.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One lady needed my help few months ago, and I noticed miniature statue of Virgin Mary and Baby Christ on her desk (I believe she is East European Orthodox, kindly correct me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking of painting a picture of Virgin Mary and Baby Christ for her to keep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is another lady who joined our team few weeks ago, and so far we exchange &quot;hi ---- bye&quot; and also help with certain things (i.e. what is internal website to do &quot;A ....B.....C&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not looking to hang out outside of work because I'm really busy taking care of elderly parent at home and decompressing (by painting and programming) after work and on weekends, but I'm hoping it can get to a point where a group of us go out for lunch maybe once or twice a month at least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I form working friendships with my coworkers so that we can be more friendly at work without any expectation that we hang out after working hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12671" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-03-13T15:47:37.077" LastActivityDate="2019-03-13T15:47:37.077" Title="How to be friendly with new team members" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16532" CreationDate="2018-07-14T13:23:09.997" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Where I'm from (Netherlands), there's a difference between being friendly co-workers at work, and being friends outside of work as well. The first one isn't that hard to reach, and I believe you're doing fine with it already. You say hi, and bye, and you chit-chat whenever there's a chance. The second stage is going to take some time or may never be reached because you're also depending on the other ladies' wishes with regards to being friends or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still have some friends from my second job, I started that almost 10 years ago and worked there for 4 years. The same goes for my first programming job, the team was awesome and I'm still in regular contact (birthdays, meet-ups) with some of the guys. Yet, I recently joined a new team, and the people there seem to be keeping their jobs and their lives a lot more separated. I don't really think I'll be able to reach the levels of friendship I reached in other jobs. &lt;strong&gt;So the first thing I'd advise is to look around, and see if your wishes are actually realistic for the working environment you're in.&lt;/strong&gt; If people are very professional and keeping their lives and jobs separated, it's at least going to take a lot longer, and a lot more effort, to extend this to where you're friends outside of work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing that jumps out at me is that you're only saying hi-bye, and have maybe had a few chit-chats with these ladies whenever you sat next to them (if not, your first step is to go do so). A simple 'Hi, how are you today?' is a much better start for a small chit-chat than just saying hi. Or, ask on Monday 'Hi, how was your weekend?'. These small conversation starters will hopefully give you some insight into what the ladies like, what they do with their time. If you're regularly helping them out, you could even ask if they're still ok, or if they need anything. Try to get past the hi-bye, to a level where you regularly chit-chat. An 'I'm going to have lunch, want to come too?' if you're having a designated area to have your lunches (even when brought from home) might be a starter in freeing up some time for chit-chat. make sure that the entire team feels free to come (extend your invitation to all of them instead of a specific person) and make sure to give attention to everyone around you, not just the two ladies. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I wrote this answer on &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12159/1599&quot;&gt;Social Penetration Theory and self-disclosure&lt;/a&gt; a while back, and that's what you should be aiming for as well:&lt;/strong&gt; Whenever there's time for chit-chat, slowly reveal a bit more of yourself, of your personal life, and if people react well (reciprocate), it seems like these ladies are open to more friendship. On that same note:  I crochet a lot and have made little gifts for co-workers to reinforce a friendship, but random gifts may be experienced as weird if you're only on the level of saying 'hi-bye'. So, I'd advise against gifting your co-worker a painting, until they know you paint, seen some of your work, and have actually expressed some kind of wish for that sort of gift. Small steps!. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that both of the jobs that landed me real-life friends had in common, was that the entire group of co-workers (even the ones I didn't stay friends with) regularly did stuff outside of the workplace. Things like all going to an amusement park, having dinner after working the story on a holiday, going out and having a few drinks after each sprint. People invited each other to go shopping, neighbourhood events, and to their birthday parties. In such a kind of environment, it's highly likely that if the entire group regularly does stuff, friendships develop and stay. So, to get to the point where you really can be friends with these ladies, try first to include them in the team. &lt;strong&gt;Go do something with the entire team, and look at whether or not these ladies are having fun, and seem to want to do this more often.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just take it slow, don't be hasty. These kinds of relationships outside of work often take a few years to develop, so don't be disappointed if you're still not besties outside of work after 6 months or 2 years. As long as people seem interested in getting to know you better and keeping in contact with you, you're doing okay and can try to build on the friendship a little more each time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2018-07-14T13:23:09.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16489" CreationDate="2018-07-14T19:11:07.367" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reading your question, I almost felt like it's about &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt;. Maybe if I describe how I feel during this exact behaviour, it will help, though I can't tell you how to change us, introverts (ambiverts?) - if I knew, I wouldn't be one, to begin with :) .  Consider this as a partial answer, and an extension to @AHamilton's one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me take up your co-worker's viewpoint. I see a chatty group of people at the table I'd like to be friends with. They don't know me, I don't know them too much. I'd like to change this, so I join them. They welcome me - as usual - and keep on their chatting about that topic - apparently books. Great, that's something I have experience on. Still, I'm silent, as usual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There can be multiple reasons for this. At first, I'm just observing, listening to the conversation, thinking on my related memories. Then, I either just can't remember anything I find worthwhile to tell, or while I do have ideas, I overthink it. How to tell it? Should I even talk about it? Do they know that book? Do they even like that genre? Will they be interested anyway? Won't it just be another awkward situation like the one you described? etc. Anyhow, while my mind keeps going, the conversation just moves on, and the opportunity to talk about this specific thing just passes. New topic, new things to think on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when I manage to decide in time to talk, there's the other problem. The group just keeps talking and talking. I don't want to interrupt anyone (partly because I tend to feel myself inferior in these situations), and I just can't find the good moment to start speaking. When one has finished, someone else starts immediately. Indeed, that's how talking in a group works, and that's why I suck at it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The result is me sitting there, listening to the conservation, maybe laughing along, showing some reactions, but without saying a word. This doesn't go well, I must join the talk to be a part! I start to feel awkward. My mind revolves around the same topic I've been thinking on for the past 2-3 minutes, but was just too shy to bring up (see above). I start signalling, more and more, that I have something to say - opening my mouth, even starting to actually speak, but I'm just too silent, someone always interrupts me. I must be recognized, I must be louder, come on! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally they realize me. They fall silent, listening. I, somewhat nervously and frustrated because of the above, tell my story/opinion, one I found in slight despair, one that doesn't really fit the topic - I never was good at determining whether it is or not - and that I already overthought a bit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They listen, patiently smiling at some point, maybe even laughing sometimes - but I feel I'm nowhere as interesting as some of the louder guys there. They react, maybe take up the topic somewhat - but I feel that I wasn't good, they didn't like it as much as I imagined, etc. (Basically I feel they feel just like what you described.) Damm, it happened again. I fall silent. The cycle restarts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not some story I made up to fit your question, I promise. This is my actual behaviour in a chatty group. Strangely enough, in the meantime I'm also really good in one-to-one conversations. In a trio, at most. And I know that, so I try to turn the above situation to something like this. Where I can be more than awkward. I start to speak with someone directly, one-to-one. Sometimes this works, and we have a good time. Sometimes it doesn't, the partner wants to keep being in the group chat (like you). I look for someone else, or, again, try to be a part in the group in my awkward way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorDisplayName="anon" LastEditDate="2018-07-22T17:54:45.613" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T17:54:45.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16538" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-14T19:27:51.703" Score="0" ViewCount="713" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: My dad is calling my sister an embarrasment while I'm the &quot;golden child&quot; that seems to do most things right in his eyes. My dad seems to not realize that me and my sister talk often, and she expresses her frustrations to me often about his words. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Related to this question: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/16194/what-to-say-to-steer-passive-aggressive-narcissist-parents-away-from-saying-gu&quot;&gt;What to say to steer passive-aggressive narcissist parent(s) away from saying guilt-tripping statements to me or other people?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other day, she informed me that he was &lt;em&gt;embarrassed&lt;/em&gt; that she did not give him anything for his birthday &lt;em&gt;in front of his friends&lt;/em&gt;. On further investigation, I found that she indeed had photographed and developed (at school) two pictures and given them to him &lt;em&gt;for his birthday&lt;/em&gt;. She simply &lt;strong&gt;forgot&lt;/strong&gt; that the photos were in her room (she thought they were at our mother's house), and did not bring them out to show everyone. He feels that her thoughtful and simple gift of two photos she developed herself &lt;em&gt;was not enough&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His words to my sister: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm amazed lately at how unappreciated you make me feel.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is away at camp for this week, and she expects a stern talking-to from him when she returns because she is an ungrateful child, and needs to learn that lesson. She is dreading it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, I know he will fire away at me for not behaving as he thinks I should, and there's nothing I can do to avoid it. I will just ignore his words and not attempt to explain myself, like I've done in the past. I have gone to counseling 8+ years for this, and I have mentally drawn the boundaries for myself. My #1 frustration is that he's taking this slight from her very personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do see his side of it, and I understand his relationship with all three of his daughters have been rocky, and he's trying to get through it. However, I think he has Narcissist Personality Disorder. This exacerbates the issues that we have with each other.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I call my dad out on his demeaning statements towards my sister, and make him think twice about it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T13:28:49.667" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T13:28:49.667" Title="How to approach a narcissist parent about their unkind and unreasonable treatment of a sibling?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;&lt;narcissists&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16540" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-14T20:30:17.350" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key here is to share your feelings with him in a way that evokes compassion an understanding in him rather than defensiveness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when you talk to him, try to avoid ways of saying it that may make him feel blamed, or that he is doing something wrong, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may or may not be doing something &quot;wrong&quot;, but that is besides the point. Your goal here is to make him understand you and have sympathy for your situation and your feelings. Since he has close feelings for you, this may come naturally for him. This sympathy and compassion for you may then naturally inspire him to change his ways, without you having to &quot;confront&quot; him at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when you talk to him about it, avoid saying things like &quot;you are doing this and that, which is this and that&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, express honestly how you feel about it, with as litte blame as possible. Explain to him that you know he does not mean anything wrong by it, but that is simply makes you feel sad. Describe this to him as sweetly and kindly as you can, and truly express how this is making you sad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully this works. Otherwise, you may consider another approach. But this is what I would try first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="453" LastActivityDate="2018-07-14T20:30:17.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16541" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16194" CreationDate="2018-07-14T21:09:37.393" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe it takes a certain kind of person at the receiving end of an verbally abusive relationship as well as an abusive person for such a relationship to exist. I have always had a father who liked to belittle me and humiliate me, and attempt to guilt trip me into shame for a large portion of my life. I think the strategy of not-reacting mentioned above is a good start, however, talking about your emotions and how you feel immediately after sounds like a blatant nullification of the approach. A problem that has gone on for this long obviously needs more drastic measures, so I recommend becoming a more masculine person, particularly around your father. By masculine, I mean unapologetic, un-emotional, logical, not showing weakness. Your father's strategy of manipulation through guilt-tripping tells me you are prone to feeling ashamed from guilt. To make it pointless to guilt-trip you, you must become a person who is completely unashamed and accepting of who you are. This simply but painfully done by trashing all regards you have for your father's opinions on you. This ultimately means you stop holding your relationship with your father as precious. The next time he points something out that is aimed to make you feel ashamed, just own it up. Say, &quot;Yes that is who I am. I am that kind of person. I'm okay with that. You have to deal with it. I don't care that you have an issue with it. Have a good day.&quot; Maintaining this kind of stance towards him over time will make him realize that it is pointless to attempt to manipulate you, since you are indifferent to his opinions. From my experience following this strategy, my father has since kept his negative thoughts at bay, and is now focusing more on making me like him since that is the only way he may have influence over me now. A weakness of this strategy is that you are only empowered to do this if you are first financially, and/or spatially independent from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19820" LastActivityDate="2018-07-14T21:09:37.393" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16194" CreationDate="2018-07-15T05:21:31.390" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;WOW! Do our dads have planning sessions together? Did they go to the same school of how to mess up their off spring? My parents also went through something similar and the way you describe his gaslighting, diminish, belittling, ignoring, and all around confusing disconnection from the understanding that other people have feelings that are not his to dictate could be verses from my personal songbook. So here goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: So, I'm going give you some really hard yet effective possibilities I developed with a combination of many teenage and adult years on dealing with a father like this and experiences from 1)extensive counseling 2)support groups 3)trial and error 4)having to just deal with the unavoidable facts of the man he is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advice not to react is good advice. The advice to come at the situation from in the reasonable and calm direction that explains things yet is a shut down is also excellent. I second that heartily. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, what if you're dealing with someone who hears you explain your whys and your mandate and just flat out will not internalize it? You lay out your point, you've been clear and calm and reasonable but he isn't internalizing it enough to maintain a respectful behavior when it comes to your boundaries or limits or feelings. It sounds like that might be what's happening to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, then whether the realize what they're doing or not?  Our fathers are trying to get us to react in the form of submission to their judgement. They are RIGHT about this! &lt;em&gt;&quot;Listen I'm right that you should fix your feet. I have the solution, and you would see that if you would just look at these web links. You have to understand that I am the victim here! If you would just do those things, I could behave differently.&lt;/em&gt;&quot; But you can't do that because you're your own person with agency and self-will and respect and your own opinions on things. It can be very easy for things get heated because in my experience because I love him and want him to love me back, to understand me in return, to stop doing things that hurt me not because I won but because he cares about my feelings. When that doesn't happen, it can feel very intense, especially since the seemingly adult method has failed. When that happens, I know I can start feeling so intensely that it's hard to think. So here are some reactions that have been helpful for me in case &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Before I start: Accept that you cannot control his behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not talking about him gaslighting you or any of the other larger problems(although you can't control that either). I'm talking about the fact that you cannot control his behavior at all. I mean in any way. This includes how he reacts to anything you say or do.  This is the hardest thing about what you're dealing with and is the most important one. This is going to take the longer term work but I put this first because while acceptance may still be a long why out, KNOWING THIS when you try the other things can help soften the sting if or when they do not work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Option 1 - Just Say No. But JUST say &quot;No.&quot;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, Nancy Reagan was wrong about drugs but the saying is absolutely right for this. &quot;No.&quot; is a complete sentence. It does not require that you elaborate. You do not need to go into the JADE(Justify, Argue, Defend, Exlpain) of it all. Just say no. Nothing more, nothing else. There is nothing else to pull from that. Anything he chooses to extrapolate is his alone. See that first essential point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Option 2 - &quot;I've got this.&quot;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was the most effective one with my dad. Whatever it is, your feet, your posture, with my father it was how much I weigh, one of the most effective comebacks I have ever discovered is &quot;(Optional: Thanks)(Optional: I think) I've got it/I've got it under control/I've got it handled.&quot; It doesn't matter whether that's true or not, this statement is me saying that the conversation on X Topic is over. It communicates &quot;This is resolved. I have this. I got it. I need nothing more, from you or anyone else&quot; without putting anything positive or negative on him. He can choose to interpret that as him taking your advice or or ignoring him but you got this. It's handled. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Option 3: The Nonverbal Noncommittal&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Non-word responses are your friend when silence fails you. &quot;Oh.&quot; &quot;Ah.&quot; &quot;Hm.&quot; Anything like that. Do not attach these to anything out loud. There's nothing attached to those but what the listener, your dad, wants to hear. This tends to make them happy and that submission/win they want but you know, and I know that an &quot;Oh.&quot; you say outloud to your dad is actually short for &quot;Oh, please stop.&quot; or an &quot;Oh my god, why &quot;Oh you are so awful right now.&quot; An &quot;Ah&quot; is just an &quot;Ah, well that was was pointless.&quot; &quot;Ah, this is a thing that's happening now.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Option 4: Noping Out Without Going Anywhere&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the less, um, gentle version of the method you have that's working now, the one that doesn't put pressure but redirects the conversation ala the link referral. When you are in a less hospitable conversation, because you seem to be looking for the next step up from this. For that, you take the squish out of your statement and let him know, that if he's not done, you're done. Full stop. &#xA;- &quot;Okay dad. I'm done talking about this now. Let's move on.&quot;&#xA;- &quot;Dad I don't want continue this conversation right now. Please stop.&quot;&#xA;- &quot;Okay. I hear what you're saying but I'm done talking about this topic for now. [insert conversation pivot here].&quot; &#xA;In this version, you don't put feeling words in your statement. Don't talk about wanting things or needing him to do things because of how it makes you feel. This is not about getting him to behave because he empathizes or cares about you. You are setting a boundary. He can respect it or not. If not, the next step is:&#xA;- We can move on from this or we'll have to stop talking.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Option 5: Lie.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one ever gives this advice but sometimes lying, especially small lies, are a &lt;strong&gt;Break Glass In Case of Emergency&lt;/strong&gt; option. I hate this solution. That's because this is a terrible solution that feels terrible to do.   We're raised to honest, genuine, in the words of Sky Masterston in Guys and Dolls, upright downright forthright squares. But here's the truth: sometimes lying can fairly effectively end things and get you out cleanly.  Your dad sees what he wants to see. He has a reality that is all his own. To paraphrase a saying we have in my family &quot;Dad lives in Dadland.&quot; and because of that, sometimes the only way out is to eject out of the conversation so hopefully the other things will work but if not, bullshit can act as a parachute. &#xA;Here's some examples of what I mean when I say lie&#xA;- &quot;Awesome, send me those links when you get home but lets do this now.&quot; &#xA;- &quot;Yeah, fixing my feet sounds great but lets talk about it another time.&quot; &#xA;- &quot;Maybe I have been spending more time with you than mom. I'll work on that.[and if you're already together] Like right now! So what are we going to do next?&quot;&#xA;- &quot;Sorry I didn't take your advice dad. Next time.&quot;&#xA;This is a toxic, god awful route to take. I don't recommend it if at all avoidable. But you asked for things that could cut a fight off at the knees? Him winning will end it. He doesnt need to know that you're going to go out and NOT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS. What this route is for is holding the fort while you get counseling and work on detachment and acceptance and do the longterm work so that him doing these things doesn't bother you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The long term is where your real solution lies. There are cognitive and emotion regulation skillsets that you can learn to become teflon while still not becoming cold because that's your real solution. Hope these help while you get there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19723" LastEditorUserId="19723" LastEditDate="2018-07-15T06:20:12.113" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T06:20:12.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16545" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16549" CreationDate="2018-07-15T06:24:00.807" Score="1" ViewCount="1701" Body="&lt;p&gt;I encountered a strange situation with my roommate and I'm not sure if I'm the problem and need to change, or if he is just being unreasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The context is this:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are living in a house which has 6 people and 3 dogs living in it. There is an upstairs and downstairs which are not connected, with 3 people (all guys in their 20s) living upstairs, and 3 people (all guys, one older man, the rest in their 20s) living downstairs. We have two bathrooms, one with a shower, and one with a tub. The one with a tub get's clogged, especially due to my hair, so I use the shower. All my toiletries are in the bathroom with the shower.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But most importantly, the room with the shower is adjoining with the room he sleeps in. It is connected via a door on both sides, and it is a lot easier for him to walk through the shower room to leave his room, then to get around and use another door. (As a sidenote, he doesn't claim ownership over this shower room, we actually have more rooms than people, and so a few months ago he started sleeping in the extra room, leaving a lot of his stuff in his previous room, and said that it was just temporary and we could of course still use the bathroom adjoining his second room whenever we wanted).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The situation is this:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today I went on a run at around 7pm, and when I came back I went to the shower room to try to have a shower. But, the door was locked. So I knocked on the door to see if he was in there, but I didn't get a response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I figured he must be sleeping with ear plugs in, amd I was soaked with sweat from my run and really wanted to shower, so I figured it would be no big deal to knock loud enough to wake him up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize this wasn't a super nice thing, but I figured he wouldn't be too bothered, as it was 7pm, it was a shared shower, and he did really mess up by accidentally locking his roommates out of the shared shower room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few minutes without him waking up I realized the lock was actually one of those that you can open by just using a coin (it didn't have a key, it was just to prevent accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom), so I unlocked it and had my shower.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometime later my roommate confronted me and said it was completely unacceptable for me to wake him up when he was sleeping, just because I wanted to have a shower. I was fairly baffled, as although I know it is annoying to be woken up, I figured he would have instead apologized for locking me out and making it basically impossible for me to shower.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was also confused as to how my roommate could wake up, and then just ignore me when I was knocking on the door. He said he ignored me because he didn't want me to &quot;get my way&quot; when I was being so rude. Which further confused me as I wasn't trying to be rude, I figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal to wake him up, especially at 7pm. I didn't know if he was asleep for the night, which would mean I would have to just have to go to sleep sweaty, without showering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My roommate went on and said he thought I was just waking him up to be mean, because of something I said earlier that day. To explain that I have to get into the second situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 3 roommates living downstairs (which is not connected) have been smoking both cigarettes and weed downstairs, which is completely against the rental agreement. We can smell it strongly through the vents throughout the house, and previous had to block all the vents with cardboard to lessen the smell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have been complaining heavily about it to the landlord, and he has been calling the tenants downstairs and telling them to stop. Which resulted in the tenants downstairs finding all sorts of reasons to complain about us. The landlord is trying to resolve the problem by organizing a meeting with all the tenants, mostly to see if we (the tenants upstairs) can find a way to stay in the living situation as opposed to leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The landlord wants to organize this meeting ASAP, so he sent us an email on Saturday asking us what times on Monday or Tuesday we would be available for. I responded with the times I would be available for, and made sure to send a message on the upstairs tenant's discord channel about replying to our landlord with the times we would be available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About an hour later I was in the common area and saw my roommate was on his laptop, but still hadn't replied. So I asked him if he saw the email, and he said he did, and then I asked him what if he was free either day. He simply said he had work, so I said &quot;yeah, but you're free evenings?&quot;, and his response was just a really long &quot;uh..........&quot; .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't really expect it to be that difficult of a question, I haven't once known him to have anything scheduled after work, and I thought it was fairly rude of him to not take the meeting seriously. It wasn't a social invitation, our landlord needed to know people's schedules right way, especially because the tenants downstairs worked a variety of hours, so they might have to take time off work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My response was to just tell him &quot;well, email the landlord with the times you are free&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And apparently he thought my response was so condescending that he figured I was just looking for ways to annoy him, which he felt included waking him up to use the shower, instead of showering the next day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I respond to prevent my roommate from locking me out of other shared resources?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19832" LastEditorUserId="19832" LastEditDate="2018-07-15T21:34:32.910" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T21:34:32.910" Title="Roommate Upset I Woke Him Up" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-07-15T18:10:41.033" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16546" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16545" CreationDate="2018-07-15T08:52:35.260" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, it's not us you need to live with, is it?  You've made your case but apparently the details tie together in a different manner for your flatmate.  Your living arrangements clearly don't lend themselves for staying out of each others' hairs so one needs to make arrangements.  Your current understanding appears to be that you use the shower joined to your flatmate's room for reasons of your own decision making whenever you feel like it and you get to decide whether or not that is convenient to him, reserving the right to wake him up if necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a rather one-sided agreement (did you ask whether he is fine with that?) and it seems strange that the decision when it has to be convenient for him or not is to be your discretion without him having a say in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would appear that you at least should have a backup plan by putting enough of your stuff in the actual bathroom to be able to use that as well and get a drain sieve in order not to clog up its pipes with hair when you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user19836" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T08:52:35.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16547" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-15T08:55:23.077" Score="11" ViewCount="517" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm not sure if this is a question that can be asked here (or even answered) but I'd like to try.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandpa is almost 80 and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's a little over a year ago. Since then I feel like he is loosing interest in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He used to be a self-employed and managed his business together with my grandma. He used to be a craftsman who drove around the local area and worked with his hands all the time. He enjoyed spending time with his customers and knows almost everybody in the village he comes from. When he stopped working about 15 years ago his son took over the business which he runs to this day. Grandpa always did some business on the side afterwards, which kept him busy. He has always been helpful, generous, compasionate, loving and funny to his whole family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In recent months he:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;had to stop driving, because it became too dangerous&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;had to stop working, because his body wasn't able to sustain it (to be clear it was a &quot;hobby&quot; for him, he doesn't &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to work)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;stopped caring about news and politics (which he was happy to discuss in the past)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;cares less and less about football (which was very important to him)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;sleeps for some time in the morning and expanded his afternoon sleep&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It crushes me to see him like that. So far he still recognizes his family, but I can see his memory slowly fade away. My grandparents get visited about 5-8 times a week by family members and I visit them 2-3 times a month. When we're with them, we mostly talk and spend time with grandma and grandpa sits there and rarely takes part in the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand, why he acts like this. If my ability to do the things I like (and had been doing for more than 50 years) was taken away and it was difficult for me to learn new things (memory...) I wouldn't know if I was able to keep my spirits up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is there something that can be done, or do I/we have to accept the situation?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What can we talk about that he takes an interest in, or how to can we invite him into the conversation?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19835" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T18:32:14.627" Title="Grandpa has dementia, how to include him in conversation?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;grandparents&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16545" CreationDate="2018-07-15T10:33:51.517" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are always two sides of a coin.&#xA;The hard facts are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your roommate locked the door to the shower&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You knocked&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You unlocked the door and took a shower&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your mind, none of your actions were malicious or intentionally rude. In his head, he interpreted things differently. Maybe he had a hard day, was grumpy and took everything personal and in the worst possible way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to go is to have an honest conversation about the rules you want to adhere to while living together. I know from experience that a shower next door can be extremely loud if the water pipes run through the wall between the bathroom and my room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you should tell him unambiguously that it was not your intention to annoy him or be rude. You only wanted to take a shower at a very reasonably time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then explain to him that he cannot annex the bathroom. Give him your reasons. It's not about your personal taste, but because the other bathroom gets clogged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Work together on a solution. Maybe he agrees with changing rooms again. If not, ask him why he likes this room so much, although he is bothered by people using the adjacent bathroom. Offer compromises and ask him for his oppinion instead of just deciding what is OK and what is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same applies to the situation with the mail. In your head, this mail is important and he should treat it as equally important. In his head, it's just a mail that you have already answered and you are still annoying him with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He cannot read your mind, and neither can you read his. He uttered just one non-word... You read his expressions, gestures and tone and interpreted it in your way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to go is to exchange your thoughts, and that is only possible by voicing them. Explain your reasons to bother him with this mail. Explain why you think he should answer as soon as possible instead of ignoring it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T10:33:51.517" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16547" CreationDate="2018-07-15T11:13:24.787" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds more like depression that Alzheimer's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, the Alzheimer's isn't gone and will progress over time, but the current changes in behavior are quite typical for depression. Try consulting a psychologist and getting therapy for your grandpa. Ask the psychologist what you can do to make your granspas life better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to what you can do now:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to include him in the conversation, even if he doesn't answer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inform him about all things that interested him before. Don't let him loose this connection to his former self.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Impaired hearing could cause him to retreat from conversations. Speak loudly and articulate clearly, but still keep your tone natural. Remember he isn't an infant, so don't speak to him like you would to an infant or child.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Include him in social activities like playing cards or board games. Listen to his favorite songs. Anything that he likes (or liked) to do and can be done togehter.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Greet him with good news and remind him of happy events in his past. Scientists found that after an event that caused positive emotions, people with Alzheimer's stay in a good mood even after they forgot what caused that mood. They also found that with increasing age, people tend to remember negative events longer that happy events (see the study below).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of many studies about &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3423798/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Emotional Memory in Patients with Alzheimer's Disease&lt;/a&gt;&quot; states:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Lastly, we know from experience that a favorable environment is helpful in managing patients with AD [Alzheimer's Disease]. Both of our patients retained memory of their family member's death even at FAST stage 6 (moderately severe dementia), indicating that patients with AD may retain memory for highly negative events over a long period even with disease progression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T11:13:24.787" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16489" CreationDate="2018-07-15T14:14:08.947" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the other posters that she is most likely an introvert. Introverts feel like fish out of water in groups but love one-on-one relating.  I am an introvert and if I were in that situation I might try to bond with the other female in the group.  Sometimes, we just don’t know what to do in those situations and end up doing embarrassing  or inappropriate things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once at a conference, I entered into an empty room with one female sitting at a long table, taking notes. I came in and sat directly beside her although the entire room was empty. In my mind she was an introvert sitting there alone, and would enjoy another female to bond with.  She didn’t look up or say anything to me, and I realized that I had made a stupid mistake. My intentions were good though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s interesting to read your perspective on it, and I’m sorry you’re having such a bad experience with that. I could see how you would want to interact with the other people and not be forced into a friendship. I bet she’s not really seeking a friendship with you but just someone to connect with while there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe since she’s married/kids she’s  uncomfortable befriending the men. She probably dreads those meetings and feels very awkward.Sometimes I stay totally quiet in meetings so I’m amazed that she’s trying to participate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that’s not your question. As far as giving a signal –  You could position yourself somewhere that she can’t really sit next to you, or try to avoid going for water and things to where she’ll follow you. So for example bring some bottled water along in your purse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could greet her warmly with a bright smile and say “hello how are you today!” but then move instantly away. Then, maybe give her ‘little bits’ of friendship throughout the meeting rather than ‘big bites’ she’s wanting. That might be a happy medium? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she pulls you aside, maybe say “excuse me Amy I have to go talk to Stan, but it was nice seeing you today! Could we talk next week? “. It kind of sets of boundary, without seeming mean.  Then next week if she approaches you the same way, limit the conversation to a couple minutes, and excuse yourself again with a kind smile or touch. Keep this pattern up until you’ve made your point (that your friendly but want to interact with everyone).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well I hope that helps helps a little. The other posters gave such great ideas to help her connect with the others within the conversation. I’m a life coach for introverts, and some of my clients are big ‘talkers’. I’ve learned to gently set boundaries so they can’t monopolize my time. Best wishes! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19843" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T05:22:08.040" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T05:22:08.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16555" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-15T16:30:00.613" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I successfully let him know how I feel so we can have a productive conversation about boundaries without him immediately getting defensive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assumes that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He doesn't already know how you feel (he does)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Knowing how you feel will make a conversation about boundaries to go better (yes, but see point 1)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A conversation and/or agreement on boundaries will resolve the situation (it could work, but it doesn't address the real issue)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A man spends time with other women (swap genders as need be) because they provide him with something, no matter how trivial or innocent, which his/her main partner does not provide. It's a bitter pill to swallow but its a pretty simple deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say he has many close female friends. My guess is that he's the kind of man who connects well with women on an emotional and intellectual level, and if he still seeks that out despite having you in his life (yes, you: the woman he is making himself be monogamous with despite probably not being that way inclined and having a multitude of other openings available) it means he is not getting that from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The good&lt;/strong&gt;: If he is with you, it means he values the sum total of what you bring him more than the sum total of any of the other women he has available to him (despite not getting everything he would ideally like out of the relationship, but no one does). And it's not because he has these needs you don't fulfil that they will necessarily develop into interactions which are unacceptable to you. He could well be physically faithful to you all the way (so you might get your boundaries and he may well stick to them)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The bad&lt;/strong&gt;: He connects with other women more fluidly than he does with you, and that's because you have fundamentally different views on life. It's written all over your question. He has many close female friends, meaning he's likely poly-amorous to a degree, pretty open minded with regards to relationships, and see the events as opportunities rather than threats. You on the other hand have signed up to a forum to ask strangers how best to coerce your boyfriend into sticking to boundaries so you can feel less threatened by other females (you use nicer language, but this is essentially what you're doing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hiding from that is going to end in disaster, the only way forward is to face this complete difference, accept that he will feel more intellectual and emotional connection with women who aren't you, and either cut your losses, or work with it. That is the only way you can &lt;em&gt;&quot;successfully... have a productive conversation about boundaries without him immediately getting defensive&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The ugly&lt;/strong&gt;: no matter what deal you come to with him, you will always live in (quite valid) fear that he will one day meet someone he connects with so deeply that he will want to jump ship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I may have got it wrong, but if you say he gets defensive straight away, and you feel it's an issue worth asking external advice on, then you perhaps both know deep down this is the situation you are facing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His defensiveness is also quite likely due to resentment at passing on all those other opportunities out of respect for you and to keep you happy in your desire for a monogamous relationship, so he feels he's already &quot;doing you a favour&quot; by not screwing around when plenty other men do. That might sound harsh, but you need to remember there are plenty progressive and open minded women out there who don't see emotional connections their men have with other women as a threat, who accept that humans are what they are, rather than forcing the world to fit moral notions of what they should be, and who deal in trust and honesty, not boundaries. And he will have met such women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, the only sustainable solution to all this is for you to become such a woman yourself. Once you start accepting that you are perfect just the way you are then you stop looking to external validations as a substitute (such as success in a relationship) and stop feeling threatened by things which threaten these flimsy substitutes (such as your partner being close to other women) and stop trying to control things you have no place controlling (such as placing boundaries on another conscious being's rights). You'll find that your man feels closer, less judged for being what he is, less inclined to spend time with other women who make him feel that way, and you'll feel less threatened by the time he does spend away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19848" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T16:30:00.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16556" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16571" CreationDate="2018-07-15T17:17:31.823" Score="0" ViewCount="385" Body="&lt;p&gt;This has been bothering me for some time now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Dad has &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.healthinaging.org/resources/resource:managing-multiple-health-problems/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;multimorbidity&lt;/a&gt;, i.e. numerous health issues that can be treated by being a self-advocate, and not giving up (it's easy to feel discouraged with lot of pain from illness, medication side-effects, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;66% of Americans over 60 and 25% of Americans over 80 have multimorbidity. As you notice, the numbers shrink as age increases because people with multimorbidity are lucky to see their 80th birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We both visit the same Family doctor who is rather concerned that I don't have a life outside of working and taking care of my Dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While being a caregiver is draining, I know if the shoe were on the other foot, my Dad would do the same for me, even though I am over 18 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am also trying to get strength from such a horrible situation. For instance, more time away from people (other than my Dad), means I can sneak time to learn new languages, for instance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I am being reminded of what I am &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; having, it is rather discouraging. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to politely tell the Family doctor that I am content to take care of my Dad, and I trust in God's timing. Who knows, maybe God wants some people to have friends, social life, marriage, children, while he wants other people to live solo!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19845" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T14:56:09.200" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T14:56:09.200" Title="How to tell family Dr I am content helping my dad who has multiple health issues" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16557" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-15T17:30:11.517" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Alright... I am just going to start off by saying, I am that guy (not the OP's BF, but that archetype of men with close female friends).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know men always say &quot;oh I just connect more with girls&quot;, on the surface that's why, but there's a deeper reason than that. First of all, are all the girls cute and/or flirty with him? If so, think about why he doesn't have ugly female friends and you will get closer to the real reason why he kept all the attractive female friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I honestly didn't know why I was doing it until we went to couple's therapy (my then-gf at the time also had a problem with my female friends). I had a lot of close female friends, itt's to the point that my female to male friends ratio is probably around 3:1 or 4:1 and more importantly, many of them are previous lovers or flirty friends that didn't go anywhere. As far as I was concerned, it was great. I was happy enjoying the attention of multiple girls, but obviously she wasn't. My literal defense to her was &quot;I knew them for a long time, we have a friendly bond that's non-sexual&quot;. To me sex is the only line in the sand that I won't cross.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I did enjoy a strong bond with the girls and I don't want to give that up, I didn't think about... WHY? Why were there such a strong friendly bonds with them? After a lot of probing, the therapist and we figured out that it was ego-feeding. If you constantly have other girls trying to get your attention and say sweet things to you, it makes you feel confident, powerful, desirable; it's a great feeling and it even helps me excel in life (to the point that I have almost narcissistic level of self-confidence). Now that being said, there are emotional bonds (especially with ex's) involved, so when our therapist suggest that I write down reasons why I value those friends into a list of pros and cons, I find that most of my reason involve the physical attractiveness level of the girls; in another word, the same experiences I enjoyed with my friends would be LESS FUN if they were not attractive. I find that was probably the reason why I didn't have the same close friendship with girls that I don't find particularly attractive, which I took as the first sign that &quot;Heyyyy, what's happening, that seems weird.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found a lot of my best memories with these female friends are memories I would be too afraid to share with my gf at the time). I used to love going to breakfast with my friend slash an ex slash a colleague (she graphic designs for my company), the reason was she was a model and she dated a string of powerful wealthy men and she has impeccable taste. It feels very ego boosting when she looks up to me and holds on to my arm even if it's &quot;just as friends&quot;. I had been told that I have a very flirty engagement approach to new female colleagues. Never had anyone not like it or said anything but I have a feeling that if OTHER guys had done the same thing, they (the girls) wouldn't be happy about it. I even have &quot;romantic&quot; dinner type things with the girls at work (the ones I find &quot;somewhat&quot; attractive).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it wrong? Depends on how you define wrong. There are a level of emotional involvement cause you know... I Am Human. But I only have sex with female friends when I am single, I would never knowingly hurt anyone close to me (like a current gf). When I said the same thing during therapy with my then-gf, the therapist correctly pointed out... &quot;Did she not just repeatedly tell us how much she hated that? Do you not see that you are in fact hurting her?&quot; So what I perceive as hurting someone is not the same as from that person's point of view, THIS IS THE KEY POINT to communicate to your bf as well. It doesn't matter if I internally justify it and tell myself &quot;these are just my friends&quot;. Logical justifications notwithstanding, I was hurting my then-gf with my behavior&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when I thought about that... I ultimately decided that it didn't really matter if I find myself logically correct and subjectively justified in what I do, because it didn't matter to my then-gf. I correctly disengaged with all my flirty females friends, ended up stopping contact with about half (the ones who were ex's). I only kept REAL female friends (unfortunately, they were still too good looking for my then-gf taste), but they had bfs and/or is not in the city so she was finally ok with the ones I kept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was very hard because girls hold grudges. If you stop seeing them, they get mad and basically the bridge is burnt. Guys don't do that... If I haven't seen my male friend in 5 years and we then we will hang out, it's standard/default/expected; on the other hand, if I don't hang out with my female friend, I basically just lost half of my friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that your bf probably is in the same situation as I was back then. You can't argue with him and win logically because he had justified the existence of the girls in his mind already. If he had a logical reason not to hangout with them, he would have already done it. He didn't know why he prefer females friends (ego and attention) and he doesn't understand why you don't trust him. You just have to let him know that it's not about trust... It's about love and willingness to please. You are unhappy with that behavior, is that behavior important enough that he is willing to continue with it knowing you are unhappy? That was the train of thought that got me to stop. I knew I didn't need those ex-lover/paramours in my life, it's not worth the happiness of my then-gf at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope your bf can see thing more clearly after you explain it to him. Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19852" LastEditorUserId="19852" LastEditDate="2018-08-04T17:27:39.470" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T17:27:39.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16558" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-15T17:42:47.263" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The relationship you want is between you and your boyfriend. As soon as you set boundaries between him and anyone else, you are actually the one crossing a line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, it is extremely important that he understands your feelings on this matter. I think, though, that the solution will not be to restrict or alter his interactions with other girls, but rather for him to be aware of the situations you're uncomfortable with and how he can in those moments affirm his love for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19853" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T17:42:47.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-15T17:49:04.603" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will try to give the perspective of somebody who has mainly female friends and my girlfriends/wife had such conversations with me over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but I can't help but be afraid that he'll unknowingly cross some emotional line and become too close ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;it seems like he should have respect for me enough not to put himself in potentially compromising situations&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My main issue is with these sentences. Focus not so much on &amp;quot;avoid situations in which things which you can not accept &lt;strong&gt;could&lt;/strong&gt; happen&amp;quot; but focus on what you consider to be such things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to see it simple: If you boyfriends wants to lie to you, he will. If he is honest and faithful, then in my experience people do not fall naked on top of each other. In the first case the conversation will lead to nothing. in the second case, you should focus on the things which would make you feel bad, and state these.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about e.g.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the two drinking a cup of tea privately and talking for a few hours until 3am&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the two holding hands to support each other emotionally.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the two sitting close on the sofa (without further body contact)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the the two stroking each others back and holding each other&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;giving each other a massage&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;falling asleep together (without being naked)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;giving each other a single kiss on the cheek&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these are things which happened between me and my close female friends, and it never lead to us petting or having sex. I understand for every level that my SO could feel uneasy, and I am willing to respect that, but if SO says &amp;quot;drinking tea is leading to potentially compromising situation&amp;quot; she would be questioning my own ability to control myself and stop at what is really a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, instead of forbidding a close friend of mine to sleep in the same room as me my wife plainly stated the boundary that I should not share a bed with this friend (which was anyway not our intention).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would help a lot if you just talk to him about how this friendships started and what these mean to him. If you develop a mental framework with him, then I think it could make this conversations less about your fears and more about what make you feel bad if it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19809" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T17:49:04.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16560" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16569" CreationDate="2018-07-15T18:06:18.097" Score="3" ViewCount="639" Body="&lt;p&gt;My husband and I have never liked cut flowers, although we always accepted them graciously when they were given to us. It seemed a shame for people to spend money on something we don't like, but we appreciated the intent and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or be demanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that we have cats, the issue is more serious. Some common flowers are poisonous to cats. Even if they are not, our cats would knock down the vase, making a mess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just received a large bouquet of flowers for my birthday from my siblings (delivered to my home by the florist). It contains lilies, which are toxic to cats. I'll either freecycle the bouquet or compost the lilies and give the rest to a friend with better-behaved pets. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I just thank my siblings or let them know that flowers and plants aren't good presents for me? In any case, I am grateful and appreciate the gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="290" LastEditorUserId="290" LastEditDate="2018-07-15T20:11:29.233" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T02:53:59.457" Title="How/whether to let people know I don't like receiving flowers?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;pets&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16561" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16560" CreationDate="2018-07-15T18:43:57.083" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;First, let me say that my husband and I really appreciate the thought that went into sending flowers for my birthday.  They were beautiful.  Thank you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That said, I would prefer that you not send flowers.  Some of the flowers were lilies, which are toxic to cats.  Also, my cats have a tendency to knock over the vases, which makes a mess and wastes the beautiful flowers.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Rather than flowers, consider sending ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or what I would really like would be something like ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Again, we appreciate the thought.  Thank you for taking the time to send us a gift.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first ... should be replaced with something of similar expense to flowers, possibly something transient like candy or something like books or artwork.  Ideally something that can also be delivered.  Perhaps a singing telegram or a fruit basket.  If this is an actual gift that you've received in the past, that's even better.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can go wider on the second ....  Perhaps something more permanent like cutlery or a pan.  You might even point them at your wishlist on Amazon or a similar retailer.  And when your husband's birthday is coming up, you might send out his wishlist.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This communicates how you appreciate the gift and most especially the thought behind it.  It then moves to explain why you didn't appreciate the gift as much as you might have.  It offers alternatives, so in the future, they can give you gifts that you can appreciate more fully.  Finally, it repeats the appreciation, so it doesn't get lost in the criticism.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To seal the deal, keep your eye out for opportunities to send them gifts, quite possibly flowers.  One reason why they might be sending them is that they like them as a gift.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might even help to try to communicate with your siblings to arrange a similar group gift of flowers to another sibling who is having a birthday or similar celebration.  If they say, &quot;But I thought that you didn't like flowers,&quot; you can point out that you don't like receiving flowers but you are fine with giving them.  And presumably the recipient doesn't have the same issue with pets.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm ignoring the possibility of just thanking them for the flowers.  Advising you what to do is ranging off-topic and really depends on the details of your situation.  My only real thought is that thanking them without further feedback may result in more deliveries in the future.  The easiest time to say that flowers are inappropriate is the first time.  If it becomes a thing, it only gets harder.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T18:43:57.083" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16562" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16564" CreationDate="2018-07-15T20:15:26.377" Score="-3" ViewCount="679" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend and I went to a nice restaurant the other night (about $20 per entree). It was busy and we had to wait a good 15 minutes and there were people waiting behind us as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The host took us to our table but it turned out to be right next to the bathrooms and I really don't like that so I asked if we could get a different table but was told no because the restaurant was full, and the host was not very nice about it either, which was kind of embarrassing to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought about asking if we could get back in line and wait for a better table but I couldn't come up with the words to do so, and being turned down for that as well would have made the situation much worse and I'm not sure if they have a procedure for that and the whole procedure would be awkward as well. I didn't want to disrupt our evening so we just sat down and had the meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really didn't enjoy the dining experience as people kept walking right next to our table going in and out and we could hear flushing noises and it was just uncomfortable. I was kind of annoyed to have paid so much (bill came to $70 after everything) for such a poor experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time I understand that under the circumstances the restaurant is not to blame. But then why did they put a table there to begin with? I doubt anyone seated at that table enjoys their experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Edit&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question: How do I insist to get a different table or be re-inserted into the wait queue so as to get the next available acceptable table?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm thinking that as we arrive at the table instead of sitting and taking the menus from the hosts I might say &quot;I'm sorry but this table isn't going to work for us, I'd prefer to wait for the next available table after this one.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could someone with restaurant hospitality experience say how this would go over, whether a procedure exists for this? I'm imagining being walked back to the front and the next people seeing us and then being upset when they get to the table...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19030" LastEditorUserId="19030" LastEditDate="2018-07-16T14:47:46.360" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T14:47:46.360" Title="How do I handle being seated at an unacceptable table at busy restaurant?" Tags="&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-07-16T00:15:43.363" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16562" CreationDate="2018-07-15T21:06:57.677" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having worked in more than a few restaurants, I can tell you that your options are limited. When a restaurant is already at capacity, with a backlog of people waiting, your best bet is to make your preferences clear when you ask for a table to begin with, or make reservations well in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making a reservation in advance is probably best if the restaurant accepts reservations. Most higher end restaurants do. When you call to place the reservation, tell them that you want a table away from the restrooms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the restaurant doesn't take reservations, and is at capacity with a wait, ask the host/hostess for a table away from the restrooms. Be clear that you're willing to wait a little longer if necessary. Tipping the host/hostess may go a long way towards getting a better table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically there isn't a great way to ask to be moved to a better table once you're already being seated. The restaurant is packed, all of the other tables are in use. You can ask, but it's better to ask in advance, and avoid the situation entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to keep in mind that working in a packed restaurant is stressful. The staff is generally trying to do their best to accommodate the preferences of all of their customers at the same time. Time spent with a &quot;difficult&quot; customer is time other customers are neglected. Give people a little breathing room, these are high stress jobs that don't typically pay very well. I don't mean to be scolding, just trying to give you an inside perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-07-15T21:10:31.343" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T21:10:31.343" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16503" CreationDate="2018-07-15T22:49:55.893" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I successfully let him know how I feel&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe, from your description, that you already did - you told him, he got defensive; but he &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; know how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;so we can have a productive conversation about boundaries without him immediately getting defensive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot. You should not. He will rightfully get defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume it is pretty clear that there are implicit boundaries (e.g. no sex); I assume that he is basically happy to be monogamous with you, eventually to move in with you, have children and such. Even talking about this to him will be an affront to any sensible partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you cannot trust him to respect this particular boundary on his own, then certainly there is no way you can talk to him to make him do so. If he were to have sex with them, then &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; would be a &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; larger &quot;breach of contract&quot; then him ignoring your plea not to have sex with them. So you can stop worrying about sex; it will happen, or not, and there certainly is nothing you can do about it if it does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making him spend less time with female friends may or may not lessen the chance that he has sex with them. It may increase it, what do we know (the &quot;forbidden fruit&quot;, together with his resentment lowering your importance in his mind).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what else is problematic. Everything else is, well... just normal human interaction on different levels of emotional attachment. Do you really wish to &quot;own&quot; him? I do not believe that &lt;em&gt;ever&lt;/em&gt; works, with anybody. Are you jealous simply because he spends time with them? Do you really wish to cut his ties to other humans? Would you mind the same if they were male friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as it does not impact you personally, i.e., as long as he spends as much time with you as you need, it should not matter how he spends the rest of him time, surely? He could be in the garage fixing his car/motorbike/bicycle on his own, or chatting with a group of male friends at the bar, or ... chatting with female friends at the same bar. What's the difference to you? Only yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know your friend, but I can guarantee from your short description of your interactions with him that if you make it confrontational, it will alienate him; either openly, or internally - the latter probably being even worse for you. It will probably make him more resistant to tell you about his friends; instead of being open, he will keep having his friends, but it will be more secretly. That is not something that you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my advice would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Trust him. &lt;em&gt;Really&lt;/em&gt; trust him, without asking anything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Work on being able to talk with him about his female friends &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; like you would about male friends - i.e., to stay on top of developments; are they studying? Are they traveling? Are they having good luck or bad luck etc.; those female friends are just humans.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you have separate circles of friends (i.e., he would not normally tell you that much about his male friends either), then don't dig too much into the female ones; this will, again, come over as controlling and checking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: I have plenty of contact with females, and my wife originally had a really hard time with it. We had scenes like a female colleague calling about work, my wife picking up the phone, and ... well ... us having several talks of several hours about my relationship to her. Let me assure you that it did not work as intended. I had nothing to hide, but there also was no way whatsoever to convince her of my innocence. It was &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; hard for her. There was no way whatsoever that this kind of discussion would have &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; positive effect for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, we have enough decades under our belt that this is all over now, thankfully. She knows full well that I have females that I am as close to as with males. After all that time, she &lt;em&gt;knows&lt;/em&gt; that there is no sex or particular emotions involved. It took maybe 5 years or more, which were really unpleasant for her (but which I could not fix, really). My suggestion would be for you to take the quick route, start with trust, and accept them as just his friends, openly being happy for him to &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; friends in the first place. I know that this is harder for you, as you are &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; the children phase, but still, I am certain that it will be healthier for you to skip the constant nagging doubt. How you achieve that - that would be a topic for another question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-07-15T22:49:55.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16489" CreationDate="2018-07-16T01:06:48.227" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The only way to get someone to act differently with you is for you to change your actions. &#xA;I prefer to provide direct actionable advice. There is a communication tool called acknowledge and redirect. Acknowledge is to paraphrase what that person just said (listening shows you care) and then finish the acknowledgment by redirecting the conversation. An example response would be: &quot;I'm sure your kids are great readers but I was just talking to Jim about what books he likes to read. What about you. What are your favorite books?&quot; &#xA;Also if she stands up and to get coffee with you then acknowledge her and give instruction (redirect). &quot;Thanks for the great conversation but when I'm finished getting coffee I'm going to go talk to Jim. After I'm done, I'll find you so we can finish our conversation.&#xA;DO NOT try to change or analysis her. If what you're doing is not getting the results you want then do something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19862" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T01:06:48.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16487" CreationDate="2018-07-16T02:06:42.683" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One story that helped me see this dilemma differently was the time I saw someone play &quot;queue police&quot; and call out (&quot;BOO!!&quot;) another man for cutting in a long line, trying to shame him into getting to the back — only to have the man tell him with a soft voice that he was sorry but he was disabled and had needed to step out of the line for a minute to use the bathroom. The self-appointed line sheriff ended up being quite the jerk!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing to consider is the culture that you want to belong to. Broadly speaking there are two different ways to see this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your sister needs to &quot;set things straight&quot;, lest she be lose self-respect as a &quot;pushover&quot;. Her self-worth is under attack and she must respond. This is an &quot;honor culture&quot; type of world-view.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your sister did nothing wrong. The only two parties at blame here are the man, who is being a jerk, and the business, which has failed to police its store so that it feels safe for all customers. Let's call this the &quot;high road&quot; culture.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One important thing to realize is that &lt;strong&gt;the actions your sister routinely takes at this formative age (16) will shape her culture and automatic thoughts later on.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One perfectly acceptable response is to stay quiet and think to yourself: &quot;It is not my job to police the shop. It is the shop's responsibility and if they suck at it, I don't have to come here. My options are either put up with it, or leave. The man's bullying demeanor, the fact that he's stronger than me, etc. — none of that matters to my decision.&quot; This is the best response in the &quot;high road&quot; culture, and the best thing that can be said about it is that it brings you inner peace: the nagging feeling that your sister had that she somehow failed to stand up, goes away over time (years) if she trains to consistently respond this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other response that she can have is to indulge the feeling that her self-respect is at stake and speak up. In this case, the smart thing to do is to start out by assuming that the man didn't understand that he cut in line and inform him, calmly and without being accusatory: &quot;Hi, excuse me, I was in line before you.&quot; This is probably the best response in the &quot;honor&quot; culture, which over time trains you to expect that no slight must go unanswered. Maybe the man will respond in a soft voice that he's sorry, didn't mean to, and go to the back. Maybe he'll say that he's sorry but he's in a real hurry cause his wife's going into labor and ask if you can let him go first. But also maybe he'll feel his own self being threatened, and escalate into a higher level of confrontation, verbal or physical, to &quot;prove&quot; that he's not going to be pushed around. (There are large international / regional variations in this risk, see for example this &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&amp;amp;source=web&amp;amp;rct=j&amp;amp;url=http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download%3Fdoi%3D10.1.1.552.6546%26rep%3Drep1%26type%3Dpdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;analysis&lt;/a&gt;, &#xA;section &quot;Arguments and Regional Differences in&#xA;Homicide&quot;, showing that arguments escalate more often into homicide in the Southern United States than in other areas of the United States.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this was my own child (daughter or son), unless it was pretty clear that the person didn't see the line, I would advise the first option. Aside from the potential hazard of physical conflict escalation, practicing confrontation for mundane stuff like queuing up at a shop (in the sense that this isn't a matter of life-or-death for your sister) can reinforce itself over years and encourage an automatic, impulsively aggressive response to similar situations in the future. I've seen people exhausted by their own anger and negative emotions at the smallest incivility that they perceive as committed against them, and I feel it's a poor use of our limited time on Earth than to be upset about people jumping line at shops.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18545" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T02:06:42.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16569" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16560" CreationDate="2018-07-16T02:53:59.457" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;After posting my question, I told my 8-year-old daughter about it. She suggested that I say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for the flowers, even though I had to put them out on the&#xA;  balcony to keep them away from the cats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will do a variant of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="290" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T02:53:59.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16556" CreationDate="2018-07-16T04:40:23.880" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, you must be confident in the knowledge that you are accomplishing the highest spiritual act by devoting your time to the well being of your father. There is nothing wrong with this and everything right with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also you are getting solace from doing this, and using the time to learn new languages. This is another benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask your doctor to make sure that you both are taking the best course of action to reverse the condition. This may be through diet, giving up harmful foods or drinks, exercise etc. Then you will be taking positive action to lessen your time in care. This is where your doctor can really help. And by explaining that you will be showing that you wish to free more of your time. So by involving and challenging your doctor you will be taking action instead of being criticised for your loving actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T04:40:23.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16573" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16556" CreationDate="2018-07-16T07:25:16.617" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Concerning medical issues (both mental and physical), I would stand on your doctor's side. If he feels prompted to bring the subject up (has it happened on multiple occasions too?), then I would at least suspect that the situation may not be as healthy long term for you as you think. But there are objective ways of checking your mental health - by seeing a counselor or a therapist - and reporting the results back to your family doctor. If no underlying issue is found, then your doctor can be somewhat assured that you are taking good care of yourself. If there are some problems found - you know what you need to work on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T07:25:16.617" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16574" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16580" CreationDate="2018-07-16T07:26:19.267" Score="5" ViewCount="2468" Body="&lt;p&gt;On friday night I was out with some friends of mine, we often go to a hookah lounge (which are quite common here in germany, I don't really know about other countries - basically you can smoke hookahs, have some drinks and enjoy your company with your friends).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was this new service staff, which seems to be new since I've never seen her before. To me, she was stunning. Still can't get her out of my head. So my goal definitly is to get to know her. The question is, how do I do this, without interrupting her work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lounge, as the name suggests, isn't really oriented like a bar or something similar. Basically there are many couches where you can sit with your friends. There is like a counter, where you can order drinks but usually the staff just comes right up to you if the notice your empty glasses. Also, in most cases, it's not possibly to stand at the counter without annoying other customers, because there are couches in front of that counter too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said, I dont want to get in the way of her serving other customers. I don't want her to get in trouble with her boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any suggestions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit (forgot to include that information):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Atleast I already know her name. A friend of the friends I was with there knows this girl quite well. But I've never seen him or the girl ever before, so I can't just go ask him or something :/&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="19868" LastEditDate="2018-07-16T07:45:11.737" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T22:10:40.403" Title="How to get to know a service staff without interrupting her work?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;&lt;service-personnel&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-07-16T15:55:03.493" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16574" CreationDate="2018-07-16T07:58:01.977" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to get to know a service staff without interrupting her work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't. Getting to know someone via socializing/talking, etc, at any meaningful level beyond just client-customer, is something that can only really happen in &lt;strong&gt;non-work time&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;em&gt;You're&lt;/em&gt; in non-work time, &lt;strong&gt;but they are not&lt;/strong&gt; unfortunately! Trying &lt;em&gt;force the socializing/situation&lt;/em&gt; and the &quot;getting to know the person&quot; when the other person can't is at best awkward, and at worst, disrespectful and detrimental to the working person's job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be respectful, if she really wants to get to know you while at work, they'll take a break and come to you, and interact with you in a more of a non-client-customer level. It'll probably be &lt;strong&gt;pretty obvious&lt;/strong&gt; -- the scene from Harry Potter 6 where's Harry's at this coffee place at the train station and the waitress is &lt;strong&gt;very clearly&lt;/strong&gt; giving him all the signs that she wants to spend more time with him -- &lt;em&gt;after getting off work&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEUF87lqdUo&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Study that bit&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned this one the hard way, and BTW &lt;strong&gt;I'm from South America but have lived in the US and Europe.&lt;/strong&gt; The best thing you can do, is towards the end of your visit, tell her (or if she's too busy: pass her a piece of paper with a note or your just number) that let's her know you'd love to see her outside of her work hours for X. Big smile then and &lt;strong&gt;then leave&lt;/strong&gt;, and hope for the best. She might reject your advances or might not, the important thing here is that you made your intentions clear in the best way possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't take up your offer, c'est la vie... just suck it up and carry on like usual, don't make it awkward, just pretend it never happened and keep being a good customer. She might not be able to take you up on your offer now for whatever reason, but she might later, now that she knows, so just be cool about it either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4593" LastEditorUserId="4593" LastEditDate="2018-07-16T22:10:40.403" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T22:10:40.403" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16576" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16588" CreationDate="2018-07-16T09:04:24.327" Score="44" ViewCount="24184" Body="&lt;p&gt;We've been married for over five years now, have two little kids and our relationship is as good as can be. We both value harmony very highly and thus tend to avoid an open conflict whenever possible - and so far there was little to none reason for serious conflict, whatsoever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;problem&quot; is quite simple: My wife hardly uses the word &quot;please&quot; whenever she asks me (or our kids) to do something. It's not that she's particularly impolite, constantly bossing me around or something - she's always very friendly, it's just that she almost never says &quot;please&quot;. I can only speculate but I think part of the reason is &quot;efficiency&quot; when speaking. As a teacher she talks a lot at work and at home, so I think she instinctively tries to avoid &quot;unnecessary&quot; words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as we didn't have kids that didn't bother me at all, but now I think we both should act as a good example for our kids not just teaching them &quot;manners&quot;, but actually behaving in the very way we expect them to behave - whenever that is appropriate. (Especially when talking to kids, there are of course plenty of occasions in which you do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; say &quot;please&quot; or even refrain from being &quot;polite&quot; for a good reason.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is, however, my point of view, that when talking to your spouse the use of the word &quot;please&quot; should be the rule rather than the exception. Of course I do not expect my wife - or anyone - to fall on their knees saying something like &quot;If it doesn't bother you lordship, would you be so kind and pass the salt, please.&quot; but a simple &quot;Pass the salt, please.&quot; would be perfectly fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;usual&quot; way of asking for the salt would be a simple, friendly &quot;Would you pass the salt?&quot;. As I've said: She's not simply issuing commands. There have been outsiders interpreting it that way, but this is rare and it's not relevant for me as I don't perceive it this way and this is all that counts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far I've tried to be a good example - maybe even to the point of being slightly &quot;over-polite&quot;, though I don't think that is a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've raised the issue a couple of times primarily focusing on trying to be a good example for our kids plus - less important, but still an issue for me - my personal feelings and my wife said she understands what I'm saying and that I'm &quot;somewhat right&quot;, but doesn't change her behaviour - at least not enough for me to notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this is far from being important enough to me as to raise a &quot;major conflict&quot; over it - maybe not even a minor one. I'd prefer her to &lt;strong&gt;understand&lt;/strong&gt; what I'm trying to say (and act accordingly) rather than to just adapt her behaviour &quot;because I said so&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3310" LastEditorUserId="3620" LastEditDate="2018-07-16T13:26:20.323" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T04:50:10.140" Title="How to get my wife to remember to say &quot;please&quot;" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16578" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-16T10:56:28.867" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the UK (and maybe other places) parents ask &quot;what's the magic word?&quot; when kids forget to say please.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your kids are old enough start saying it to them, they will pretty soon start taking great joy is then saying it to Mummy (well mine do to me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;it could also be your wife is mildly autistic (or maybe not), as one conversation that has made me open my eyes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;him: &quot;why don't you say thank you?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  me: &quot;I forget, but you know I mean it&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  him: &quot;we don't know that&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;thinking people know what you know is a trait, and just realising this really helped me remember to use the simple words that had seemed pointless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So ask her why she doesn't say it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastEditorUserId="11738" LastEditDate="2018-07-16T14:11:04.523" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T14:11:04.523" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-16T11:02:35.800" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're already doing a great job presenting your arguments for teaching the kids to say 'please' here, and you've also shown understanding that your wife may not even deliberately not say 'please'. So, there's a pretty good chance that your wife will understand if you talk to her about it, and adapt her behaviour, naturally, with a few reminders. This might take time though, since you're asking her to change something she's probably not even consciously not doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're worried about her doing it only because you've asked her to, don't directly ask her. Instead, you can use a tactic my mom used a lot in raising me, and which I've seen works well for dealing with people (be it co-workers or friends) as well. Use it with care, because if you do it badly your wife will certainly feel that you're setting her up. &lt;strong&gt;The technique is centered around the principle of presenting your idea in such a way, that people don't think it's your idea, but their own.&lt;/strong&gt; I've personally noticed that if something was 'my own idea' it's also easier to remember and stick to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, instead of saying to her 'I have an idea, I'd like you to say 'please' more so the kids have a good role model', make sure the conversation you're going to have meets a few (if possible all) of these points: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't say 'I have an idea'. Don't say it's your idea. Never. This also includes 'I've been thinking about' or anything else including a pronoun that refers to yourself. Instead, go for stuff like 'Have you noticed our kids don't often say please?' or 'Would you think our kids need to learn to say 'please' more often?' or, if you want to avoid giving the impression of using the kids as a tool for bargaining: 'Do you think we're being good role-models when it comes to being polite?'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give a very global overview of what you want to achieve. In this case, that would be the parents setting an example and the kids saying please and being polite: 'Do you think the kids realize they could say please more often?' 'Do you think the kids need better examples?' 'Are we doing okay with setting that example?'&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hopefully, she works something out like 'If I said 'please' more, the kids might start doing so as well!' If she does, compliment her for realizing that, and for having such a great thought! &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Alternatively, instead of just pointing out what being a role-model can achieve, you could point out what might go wrong if they don't learn to say please. This is hard, since both your wife and your kids seem to be doing fine, so unless you've got a great example, I'd leave this be for now. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your wife comes up with solutions to the problem that aren't quite what you want, you could point her in the right direction by making suggestions of your own. Use positive reinforcement and feedback techniques, so point out that your wife came up with a great solution, but it might be even better if...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: &lt;strong&gt;If you're worried about someone only doing something because you asked them too, don't directly ask them and see if they come up with the same thing to do on their own.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T01:31:45.043" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T01:31:45.043" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16574" CreationDate="2018-07-16T11:21:37.027" Score="15" Body="&lt;h1&gt;You have a simple way of meeting her outside her working hours.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A friend of the friends I was with there knows this girl quite well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the key! First of all, work to get better acquainted with this friend's friend. Then, tell him your story, tell him how bad you want to know the girl because she stole your heart etc. This way, you can know first of all if she's free and potentially interested (maybe she already has a partner, maybe she's lesbian/asexual/saving herself for her marriage/a mermaid in disguise/you name it). If the odds are in your favour, you can &lt;strong&gt;ask your newly acquired best friend to arrange a meeting&lt;/strong&gt;. Gather a big group of friends and go out all together: if you two click, you'll have the chance of talk; if not, there won't be any embarrassment between the two of you. That's it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you mentioned in a comment that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;With the other staff members we frequently chit-chat a lot because they already know us and we are there often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;strong&gt;just keep going there&lt;/strong&gt;. The simple fact of seeing you often and in friendly terms with the other staff members will accomplish the double goal of seeing you as a friendly and nice person (you're already accepted by the others) and of getting her familiarised to your face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if by simply going there you ended up acquainted with the rest of the staff members without giving them trouble with the boss etc, I can see no reason why the same wouldn't happen with this one girl. Try &lt;strong&gt;including her in a conversation that involves other staff members as well&lt;/strong&gt;: it's unlikely that the boss scolds only the newly arrived girl for talking with customers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't just go there and giving her your cellphone. This is way creepier than getting to know her little by little over the course of weeks, and holds way less success probability - unless she saw you and felt the same as you (sorry, but not that likely).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I'm aware of cultural differences regarding this topic, but here (Southern Europe) it's perfectly normal to engage in smalltalk or even longer conversations with the staff of a bar / pub where you go often. Nobody would dream of defining it inappropriate in itself. It's also normal for staff members to stop the conversation if they have to work, or to be able to set boundaries with impolite customers (also bluntly, if necessary) with no repercussions with their boss.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-07-16T14:30:39.110" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T14:30:39.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-16T11:27:01.013" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have mentioned a very important aspect: being an example for your kids, and from this point, I'd like to show you a deeper perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you have talked to your wife but doesn't work for now. I believe her and I understand her, since it's not easy to lose old habits and replace them with new ones. It will be hard for her since for years she hasn't used &quot;please&quot; to start use it suddenly. So give her time and (here's my point) &lt;strong&gt;be an example for her, first.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That means, use &lt;em&gt;please&lt;/em&gt; whenever it could be necessary. You can even abuse of &lt;em&gt;please&lt;/em&gt; from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Would you hold this for me, please?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Would you wait for me, please?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Could you pass me the salt, please?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use it as often as you can, and mark it. Use it with your kids, with her, when you are only the two of you, when you are all family together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why am I proposing this? &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.businessinsider.com/couples-have-a-shared-mind-2015-5&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Because&lt;/a&gt; couples tend to speak, look, act and think in the same way. So if you have a habit in saying &lt;em&gt;please&lt;/em&gt;, if you'll do that every time it will be necessary and if you'll teach your children to say it, your wife will just get there too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you both be an example for your kids, you have to be an example for your wife first, not because she doesn't know, but because she needs to &lt;em&gt;inherit&lt;/em&gt; this habit from someone. And this &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt;... is you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13034" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T11:27:01.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-16T11:47:26.210" Score="49" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a radically difference experience with this having traveled all over the US and now live in a foreign country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, I believe the framing of this question is incorrect, so I'm going to present some background information first. This is &lt;em&gt;almost&lt;/em&gt; as different as a dialect issue between different areas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some parts of the country, people say &quot;soda&quot; when referring to a generic soft drink. In the south, we say &quot;Coke&quot;, other places say &quot;pop.&quot;  What you're asking your wife to do is change her dialect (in effect). To many people, the inflection of &quot;I would like you to clean your room&quot; is just as polite and possibly even more &lt;em&gt;correct&lt;/em&gt; than &quot;Clean your room, please.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though it's acceptable (and even flattering) in some parts of the world, we aren't talking about something so &quot;given&quot; as asking her to stop burping at the dinner table. You're trying to fix something that isn't broken by the standards she was raised. That's a harder sell, and if you really think this is important, it's going to have to be a decision that you make together on how to raise your children. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit down with her, discuss that this is how you were raised and it's important to you. Reassure her that you understand that you realize that not saying please and thank you aren't necessarily wrong, but this is a big deal for you and it's something you'd like to teach your children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you both agree on THAT level, than simply responding with reminders to your children when they don't say please will work its way naturally into your parenting habits, and she'll start doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T11:47:26.210" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-16T12:33:44.707" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you my partner? Just kidding. You do sound a lot like my partner. Here's our story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm notoriously bad at saying &quot;please&quot;. I must've dropped the habit somewhere. That's what it really is, a habit. Not that I am impolite - at least I hope I am not - but I just forget. I'll use it in some phrases, like &quot;Could you pass the salt please?&quot;, but I'll forget it in others like &quot;When you're over there, would you mind grabbing my keys for me?&quot;. It's subcontious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's all a matter of habit. I hadn't noticed until my partner brought this to my attention. Habits are difficult to break, but also difficult to create. To get her into this new habit, as with any habit, you want two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want her to be commited to getting into the habit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You want her to actually stick to the new habit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For 1, you want to talk with her and see what she things. Ask her if she wants to commit to it. If she doesn't, I'm afraid it won't work. &#xA;2 is harder to help with. She'll have to do that mostly on her own. My partner helped me by saying &quot;Please&quot; every time I forgot the phrase and we could not be overheard. His goal was not to embarrass me, after all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here you can find some more tips to help you get into habits. Some seem relevant: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.lifehack.org/articles/featured/18-tricks-to-make-new-habits-stick.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.lifehack.org/articles/featured/18-tricks-to-make-new-habits-stick.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T12:33:44.707" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16584" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-16T12:39:46.180" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm fairly certain that if your wife is a teacher she would expect manners in those she teaches. If that is the case then she is almost certainly &lt;em&gt;aware&lt;/em&gt; of the use/lack of use of the word. This is a good thing, because when someone has reached adulthood and is either in, or out of the habit of doing something it &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be hard to &quot;un-learn&quot; that behaviour. But if she can detect the word is missing from your children, or from her students, then she should have the level of awareness to change it in herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a fairly straightforward discussion that you need to have, and the words should be obvious. The pitfall is that you don't want to sound &lt;em&gt;patronising&lt;/em&gt; when you speak to her about it. When one adult treats another adult like a child &lt;em&gt;or if one perceives it that way&lt;/em&gt; then arguments almost always ensue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to fall back on your long relationship. You've been married 5 years, together probably more, and you have kids. You know each other pretty well, and this is evident by the fact you already have an explanation as to why your wife doesn't say &quot;please&quot; - you think she is being efficient. She sounds very practical, and so if you approach this in a practical way I think you'll get the best results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know I was thinking about the example we set for our kids when it comes to saying &quot;please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;. I've never been bothered about this when we talk to each other, because I know you so well I guess some things just go without saying. But I think we should make more of an effort to always say please to set an example for the kids. What do you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And see where it goes. It is less confrontational to say &quot;we&quot; rather than &quot;you&quot;, but if she does press you to say you mean her then do your best not to be accusatory. Your point needs to remain that it doesn't matter so much to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; because you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; she has a good heart and isn't impolite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T12:39:46.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16586" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16594" CreationDate="2018-07-16T14:05:44.737" Score="36" ViewCount="9351" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently accepted the friend request of a guy on Facebook.  We shared a couple mutual friends, so I assumed we had met at a college party somewhere in the last few years. As it turns out, we &lt;em&gt;haven't&lt;/em&gt; ever met, but have continued to chat with each other anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently he offered to drive 2 hours to take me out to dinner and hang out. While I'd like to meet up with him in person and develop a further friendship, I'm a little uneasy because I've discussed how I currently have a partner (to which he acted indifferently upon discovering), yet this offer sounds potentially date-like to me based on the distance he's willing to travel and the particular restaurant he suggested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've met &quot;friends&quot; from online before, some of which had the wrong idea about our relationship when we met up, and I want to avoid that at all costs here.  I'd feel more comfortable agreeing to meet with him if we discussed intentions first, but I &lt;strong&gt;do not&lt;/strong&gt; want to come off accusatory in doing so (other than this invitation feeling kind of date-like to me, he really hasn't done anything to set off any red flags).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tactfully discuss the boundaries of our friendship before agreeing to meet up with him?&lt;/strong&gt; I'd like to find a way to feel more comfortable about his intentions without offending him or making him think he did anything wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: My partner will more than likely &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; be able to (nor want to) hang out as part of this meet up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additionally&lt;/strong&gt;: I touched base with the two mutual friends we share, and both said only positive things about him (very sweet, super shy, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T21:12:17.167" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T01:54:49.973" Title="How can I tactfully discuss the intentions of an online acquaintance before meeting?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-16T14:26:21.130" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;My experience is that when you and your co-parent have differing values about something that impacts the children, but it isn't a life-or-death matter, &lt;strong&gt;it's better to consistently model your own values yourself than to attempt to change your spouse.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you're a constant, significant presence in your children's lives, they will get an adequate exposure to the desired value through you, &lt;em&gt;and they'll get an additional, valuable lesson about respecting other people's choices and coexisting with differing value systems.&lt;/em&gt;  Morals are kind of like vitamins.  They are vital to life, but you don't have to get all the same set of morals from every source in order to thrive.  If they get Moral A from you and Moral B from their mom, they'll still end up with a full set of what they need.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not to say you should stand by and watch your spouse teach your kids something you find truly morally abhorrent, but it doesn't sound like any of your disagreements rise to anywhere near that level. (If they did, that would probably be something you'd need to work out between yourselves, independent of any involvement of the kids.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastEditorUserId="4197" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T16:44:52.320" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T16:44:52.320" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16586" CreationDate="2018-07-16T15:26:16.497" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;Each time I found myself in this situation, honesty and simplicity paid back. I think that simply approaching the topic directly can clarify his expectation. Refer to your previous experiences to explain why you want to discuss it with him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, Onlinefriend, I'd like to see you in person, but I'd also make it extra clear that I'm happily in a close relationship and as such I'm only open to have a friendship with you. You know, it happened to me in the past to meet other online friends who assumed that the meeting was a date; I think I could have spared them and myself the misunderstanding and the disappointment had I only been clear enough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you show that you're acting for the sake of your relationship, not only for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T15:26:16.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-16T16:02:00.113" Score="4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Find out what her views are&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention she said that you're &lt;em&gt;somewhat right&lt;/em&gt;, meaning she doesn't fully agree with you, which explains why nothing is changing.  I think you need to ask her what her view is--in what ways does she think you're right, and in what ways does she think you're wrong?  If you want to work together as a couple on this, you first need to understand where she's coming from.  This is an opportunity to learn where she is coming from.  Doing so will help inform your next move: whether you continue to push the issue, and if so how.  It will also show her that you care about her thoughts and feelings in the matter, which is very important in a marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1806" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T16:02:00.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-16T16:10:20.150" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From personal experience (not with &quot;please&quot; but with other things of a similar nature): &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; should strive to be the best example. You cannot force others to be good examples. Children pick that up. I.e., if &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; consistently say &quot;please&quot; and &quot;thank you&quot;, they will, very likely, do the same when they talk to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. Don't make it awkward by asking them to say &quot;please&quot;. Just do it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will probably talk differently to you and your wife, then. But that should be fine. In the outside world, they will eventually develop their own style, and use &quot;please&quot; when it is appropriate, and skip it when not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little thought experiment: what if your wife were be of the opinion that saying &quot;please&quot; is actually bad, and she wanted you to stop saying it, ever. How high do you rate the chance that &lt;em&gt;whatever&lt;/em&gt; she says to you could sway your opinion, and make you stop saying it? Nothing good would come of it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T16:10:20.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16538" CreationDate="2018-07-16T16:46:33.823" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if there is anything that you can do about your father.  If he can be persuaded to go to counseling, that would be great, but it doesn't sound like that's something you can count on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be that you support your sister by standing up for her if he &quot;attacks&quot; her in your presence.  It may not change his behavior, but the very fact that she has a champion who will stand up for her and who she knows loves her, is HUGE.  I would suggest that you rehearse in your head what you are going to say.  Your argument will be much more effective if you can stay in control of your emotions and not let them color your message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, just as important if not more, stand up for her in private.  Bring the elephants out into the open, dissect them and let the poison out.  Every time he dumps all over her, the fact that she has someone to express her hurt to will ease the pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father sometimes did the same to me.  In fact, I've been on both sides.  When a parent criticizes one child and compares them unfavorably to another, they set up a resentment in one child and embarrassment in the other.  Let her know that your father's favoritism embarrasses you and that it is hurtful to both of you and you will be able to keep the love and communication between the two of you strong, which is the best thing you can do for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1761" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T13:27:24.573" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T13:27:24.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16378" CreationDate="2018-07-16T17:38:43.427" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It puzzles me that you have a valued friendship and still can't talk about one of the most important things in your life with your friend.  If talking about your partner with your friend would be iffy or difficult, it suggests that your relationship with your friend is not just platonic.  My opposite-sex friends have no problems telling me when they get into relationships.  They've also mostly met my wife, and done things with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you considered inviting her to some sort of minor event and having your partner along?  If the idea of doing that seems really awkward, ask yourself why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18513" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T17:38:43.427" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16586" CreationDate="2018-07-16T17:40:55.053" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;I use a chat app to meet friends sometimes, and lots of people use it for dating, so I run into this all the time. Once we get to the point of planning to meet, I say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So we're on the same page, I am only looking for friends. I am not interested in anything romantic or sexual. Is that okay with you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to use that exact wording, of course, but do make sure you keep the key aspects:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be clear and direct. Don't leave any room for misinterpretation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Keep it impersonal by using &quot;I&quot; statements. Notice there is no mention of anyone but myself anywhere in my statement of boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask if they're willing to respect your boundaries (that's the question at the end). If you do not get a clear &quot;yes, I'm fine with that&quot;, then don't meet up.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't bother mentioning your significant other. The reason you aren't interested in a romantic relationship is irrelevant and only provides guys fodder to argue over whether your reason is good enough or not. (Surprisingly, &quot;I'm in a committed relationship&quot; isn't a very convincing reason to many people.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will say they're fine with it and then behave themselves when you meet. Some people will say they're not interested in friendship, and that'll be that. A few guys will become rude and/or try to negotiate different boundaries than the ones you've clearly set. That minority reaction is unpleasant, but I'd rather find that out while I can easily block them and never hear from them again!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, be direct, clear, and concise about what your boundaries are. Keep it about you, and the only people who will be offended are the ones you really don't want to know anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="550" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-16T17:50:31.293" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T17:50:31.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16547" CreationDate="2018-07-16T18:32:14.627" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandfather is 98 and going through the same thing. Sometimes it just helps to talk as if they're a part of things, even if they're not participating. Frustration is not your friend, as it only makes both of you unhappy and solves nothing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want positive things to do, try tying current events to ones in the past. &quot;Look, grandpa! There's a boat! It looks a lot like that boat you used to have.&quot; Or, &quot;Man, this cabinet door sure is flimsy. They don't make them like they used to, do they?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Allowing him to feel like he's participating while he's reminiscing will boost his confidence, and hopefully encourage him to speak more often. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19692" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T18:32:14.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16597" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-16T18:51:48.470" Score="4" ViewCount="317" Body="&lt;p&gt;We're often told that a good handshake is important and makes for a strong first-impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I don't think a handshake says anything about a person, other than the fact that they have a hand. And I can't imagine what sort of person would really put much weight into that. I mean, whether your handshake is firm or loose, short or long, two-handed or single-handed, still or shaky ... &lt;em&gt;who the hell cares&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not a rhetorical question, that's my actual question. &lt;strong&gt;Who cares&lt;/strong&gt;? Is there some data on this phenomenon, i.e. how many people care about handshakes, what sort of people they are (i.e., are they old or young, employers or employees, Italians or Americans, etc) and if so, what particular type of handshake do they prefer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19901" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T20:43:55.030" Title="Do people really care about handshakes? Is there statistics on it?" Tags="&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-07-16T20:03:04.957" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16597" CreationDate="2018-07-16T19:32:04.097" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;After some research, I found some interesting links that might provide some answers to your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20130809-more-than-a-handshake&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;More than a Handshake - BBC&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The article shows the traditions for greetings, schedules, meetings, and meals for countries around the world- here is the U.S. for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;In the United States...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Greetings: People introduce themselves by name and with a firm handshake to everyone present. Business culture in the US is generally mindful of the separation between professional and private life. While pleasantries and a brief exchange asking how someone is doing are common, conversation quickly moves to business. Similarly, Americans are very conscious about personal space and tend to give more than in European or Latin countries. Close-talking is generally uncomfortable in American professional settings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Schedules: Whether on phone calls, to meals or dinner, promptness is expected. Many people in the US consider being on time as actually being late in business settings, so be sure to arrive early. That said, expect a straggler or two. Business dinners generally follow the conclusion of the workday and tend to start as late as 19:00.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meetings: In most business settings, Americans schedule meeting times and stick to them. Conversation is usually kept on-topic and sticks to business, with light conversation before or after a meeting wraps. While it varies by industry, Americans tend to dress conservatively, although many workplaces in the US have adopted business casual dress policies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meals: Americans are open to scheduling and doing business at any meal, including breakfast. But people watch the clock, including during business lunches, which are typically kept to one-hour’s time. Don’t be put off by your host checking his or her watch at regular intervals, but answering calls or checking phones during a meal is impolite. Wait until everyone is served before eating. Americans are known to be big eaters, so feel free to take seconds if offered. Keep in mind that smoking is unpopular indoors the US, not to mention illegal in most settings where a business meal would take place. To be safe (and avoid potential judgment) wait until the meal has concluded to smoke outside. Follow the host’s lead when it comes to ordering alcohol.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://mentalfloss.com/article/54063/what-proper-handshake-etiquette-around-world&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;What proper handshake etiquette is around the world - Mental Floss&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The article talks about each country's type of greeting, and if it includes an handshake or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Brazil&#xA;Expect a firm handshake that lasts longer than you’re used to. Mix in strong eye contact, and greet women with a kiss on each cheek. Repeat when you leave.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't mind a longer read, I found a research paper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp791110.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Handshaking, Gender, Personality, and First Impressions - Chaplin et al 2000&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR Each country has different cultures and meanings behind handshakes, or whether they use one at all, and the research effort is too vast for me to put into one long answer here. These links provide a good start to exploring the statistics for handshakes and their use globally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T20:43:55.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16600" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16612" CreationDate="2018-07-16T22:35:45.603" Score="5" ViewCount="2784" Body="&lt;p&gt;My older sibling always seems to judge me and undermine my interests and achievements. We both graduated from reputable universities in our respective fields (mine being technology and theirs being politics), and have good jobs in our fields. We've always been fairly successful in our lives, despite differences in interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have both moved out from our parents' place and thus don't see each other very often. However, whenever I see them they always nitpick and undermine what I'm doing with my life. For example, I recently accepted a position at a reputable medical company. However, their response to this news was, &quot;I wish you would work in a more 'respectable' field&quot; (i.e. military defense or politics, in their mind). This greatly hurt me given I had worked incredibly hard for the job offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I try to stand up for myself, I'm met with either continued judgment or something along the lines of &quot;I'm your older sibling, it's my duty to pick on the younger sibling&quot;. While I understand the jest, the nitpicking and judgment are constant, and given the little amount of time I see them on a yearly basis, I would much prefer a celebration of seeing each other, and not constant bullying. Whenever there's a family visit and I see them, I usually leave the event with a sour mood and a great deal of stress. It's gotten so badly recently that it makes me not want to spend any more time with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are there any other ways I can approach these situations without instigating further conflict?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;: To clarify, my sibling is usually serious about their criticisms. It's very apparent to me when they're joking, but in the example above (and other times referring to hobbies, career, other life choices, etc.) they are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note: I am located in the US&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastEditorUserId="1905" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T16:19:49.513" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T16:19:49.513" Title="How to Handle Judgmental Sibling" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16600" CreationDate="2018-07-16T23:09:26.357" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a younger brother so I know &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; where you're coming from when it comes to annoying siblings. One of the key things I've found is that &lt;strong&gt;showing you're annoyed only makes them get more annoying.&lt;/strong&gt; The reason they're being annoying (for my brother at least) is to see if they can get a rise out of you. &lt;strong&gt;Don't give them the payoff they're looking for.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you can't show them you're upset, what can you do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the #1 most effective technique was to simply ignore what I thought was ill intended conversation. Pretend like they didn't even say anything. With your example, this may look like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: I just got a position at a reputable medical company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Annoying sibling: Wow that's too bad. If only you'd work in a more respectable field like military defense or politics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: How is your boyfriend doing these days by the way? Does he still paint in his free time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might hurt you at first to have to hide and hold in these emotions, but the more you do it, the less you'll find them attacking you in this way. Why would they, when they no longer receive their payoff?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-07-16T23:09:26.357" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16605" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17487" CreationDate="2018-07-17T04:09:22.327" Score="8" ViewCount="1502" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not long ago, a friend of mine got some rather harsh and even somewhat rude criticism, anonymously, that their art has been regressing for a while and that they're squandering all of their potential. This friend responded by simply mocking their statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I certainly don't approve of how the anon gave said criticism, I unfortunately can't exactly &lt;em&gt;disagree&lt;/em&gt; with the criticism itself. They still have some great aspects to their art, and back when I first discovered their art, they used to be someone that I'd recommend to others in an instant, but nowadays, there are other artists that I'd sooner recommend, even though that this artist is a friend. It's something that I feel has been the case for a while now, but never exactly had the courage to tell them, the main reasons being:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's not exactly polite to tell an artist their art has been getting&#xA;worse, even if you give legitimate reasons why&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Our friendship has been shaky for a while now and I don't want to ruin it, especially considering that, despite it's current status of being &quot;shaky&quot;, we've been friends for quite a while.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't the first time they've gotten this criticism; they got a similar complaint a couple of years back, when I started feeling that their art quality has started deteriorating. Unlike the aforementioned time, this hit them pretty hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, this isn't even the &lt;em&gt;last&lt;/em&gt; time they got criticism either; shortly after they mocked the anonymous person's statements publicly, they got another anonymous message that was much less rude (though not exactly &lt;em&gt;polite&lt;/em&gt; either) that basically said that they couldn't help but agree with the other anonymous individual. They more or less brushed this one off as well because they think that because they're anonymous, their concerns of their art getting worse aren't valid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This brings me to my situation: how does one tell an artist friend that their art has been getting worse? They aren't exactly popular on any site that their art is on, despite being an artist for many years and still having good works at times, and I can't help but feel that my concerns about them is the big reason for this.&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;I fear that if I attempt to tell them my concerns, they'll just brand me as a jerk, cut me off, and continue doing things the way they're doing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't help but feel that, because of a combination of the fact that they themselves don't think their art is gradually lowering in quality, and that our friendship is unstable, there ISN'T way to tell them such without ruining everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19915" LastEditorUserId="11991" LastEditDate="2018-07-22T00:44:54.487" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T19:13:24.287" Title="How to tell an artist friend that their art has been getting worse if they think otherwise" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;criticism&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16605" CreationDate="2018-07-17T05:30:03.593" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a &lt;a href=&quot;https://500px.com/fkraiem&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;photographer&lt;/a&gt;, I'll say: don't do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An artist creates primarily for themselves, and while it is certainly nice to be &quot;appreciated by others&quot;, it is not what we are after and it will not make us change our course. Thus if you tell your friend that you don't like their current art, they will probably tell you essentially the same thing they told the anonymous online critics: it is not their goal to please you, so your opinion is quite irrelevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on your comment, you seem to assume that your friend wants to be &quot;appreciated by others&quot; and wants &quot;more people wanting to commission them&quot;. Both assumptions are almost certainly false. If (and only if) your friend expresses concern that they don't get enough appreciation or commissions, then you can say that you think it's because people do not appreciate their current art (which is quite different from saying it's &quot;been getting worse&quot;) and suggest that they could get back to their old style, or maybe try something new. Then let them decide for themselves what they value more: appreciation and commissions, or doing the art they want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user19922" LastEditorDisplayName="user19922" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T06:04:36.877" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T06:04:36.877" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16607" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16609" CreationDate="2018-07-17T08:19:08.273" Score="64" ViewCount="15411" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a female friend, whom I've been friends with for over 20 years.&#xA;Her 12 year old boy (I'm his godfather) is very fascinated by my virtual reality gaming setup at home, and very often and very insistently asks me if he can come play and spend the night so he can play more the following day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a single man, 37 years old, and I live alone in my own house.&#xA;I am not comfortable having kids spend time in my house without other adults present, preferably a parent &lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far I've been able to shut down the requests by stating that I don't have the time for it.&#xA;But I want to shut this idea down for good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify: He's more than welcome to come and play, I enjoy sharing my interests with anyone like minded. But not kids alone, even if I have known them their entire life and is a close friend of the family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I explain this to the boy, preferably in a way that won't make him sad or feel that I'm rejecting his friendship in general.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update (about a month after posting the question):&lt;/strong&gt; The situation has now been resolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He visited me with his mother and sisters a few weeks ago, to watch a movie and play som Virtual Reality games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As expected, he again asked if he could stay after the others left, and spend the night.&#xA;  With his mother present in the conversation, I told him that he could of course stay as long as he wants, as long as one of his parents are there as well.&#xA;  He looked to his mother and asked if he couldn't just stay alone, ensuring it would of course be fine.&#xA;  Fortunately she agreed with me, and stated that a parent should always be present, and since I'm not a parent, it just wouldn't work out without her staying as well.&#xA;  He accepted that with a bit of a frown, but the frown quickly vanished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They visited again this weekend, and we all had a great time - and an  important detail: No request to spend the night this time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Success! &lt;strong&gt;:-)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;[1]: Being in charge of the kid is probably the largest part of what I don't like about that situation. I just don't know how to behave around kids alone. I feel on edge, constantly overthinking everything I do. Also to some people it might seem weird that an adult living alone has other people's children spending time unsupervised - I don't want anyone to have the opportunity to think something wrong might be going on in that situation. I know it's a bit paranoid, and frankly it's not the main reason. But it's a part of the uncomfortable feeling. I'm a bit introverted, and sometimes I have a hard time expressing my emotions. And I find kids difficult to 'read' sometimes.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5578" LastEditorUserId="5578" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T07:26:23.290" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T07:26:23.290" Title="How can I explain to a friend's child that I don't like sleepovers without parents?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;denmark&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16607" CreationDate="2018-07-17T09:06:05.363" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Please tell me if I've got this right, not completely sure if I've interpreted your question correctly but I've tried my best&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand where you're coming from. It can be awkward having a child over without their parent(s), especially should someone see them arriving at your house and spending the night when they know that you live alone - it just looks weird to people. You could be the most trustworthy human on the earth and it's still a strange thing to have a friends child stay the night, no matter how close you and said friend are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you I would explain myself to my friend, why you would prefer if her son just came over for a few hours to play and then went home again, putting emphasis on the fact that &lt;strong&gt;he is welcome any time to play&lt;/strong&gt;, just &lt;strong&gt;not to spend the night&lt;/strong&gt;. If she says that she's okay with him staying the night tell her that that's fine and you're delighted to hear that she trusts you enough to have her son over for a night, but you &lt;strong&gt;aren't&lt;/strong&gt; okay with him staying over because you don't want things to be misconstrued should anyone else see or whatever your reasons may be. If she's that good of a friend to you, she will understand and you can either let her explain it to her son or you can sit down and explain it to him together. He may feel a little sad over it but he'll come around quickly, kids are great like that - good luck and I hope this helps!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19380" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T09:06:05.363" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16607" CreationDate="2018-07-17T09:21:24.180" Score="100" Body="&lt;p&gt;He's a kid. Treat him like a kid. That means being explicit about your boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Kid&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;Can I stay the night? I want to play some more on the VR tomorrow!&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;No. I'd rather you don't stay here without one of your parents around. You're free to come again next time with your mom/dad to play with the VR some more.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure he might be a bit upset that he doesn't get what he wants. (He might even fake being upset to manipulate you into changing your mind). But that's OK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just set your boundary; be clear about it any time he asks and he'll learn that he'll just have to be happy about the time he &lt;strong&gt;does&lt;/strong&gt; get to spend with you playing on your awesome VR setup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides clearly setting the boundary with the boy, also talk about it with his mom. Just kindly explain to her what you are okay with so she can tell her son the exact same thing you do: That he's welcome to play anytime, as long as it's along with a parent (and no sleepovers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite kids telling you otherwise in an attempt to get what they want, in general they do like having clear boundaries. (If you don't believe this, feel free to check out any question on &lt;a href=&quot;https://parenting.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;parenting.SE&lt;/a&gt;, I'd bet you at least 90% of the good answers tell you to just set a clear boundary and stick to it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="8929" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T15:45:44.927" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T15:45:44.927" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16600" CreationDate="2018-07-17T09:53:19.963" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depending on your relation, I see three courses of action. Option 1 is the best interpersonal approach, but you depend on the other person for this to work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Try to make them understand how you feel.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your older sibling really cares for you, he will probably be shocked if he hears things like: &lt;em&gt;it makes me not want to spend any more time&lt;/em&gt; You should try to get some time for a private conversation with your sibling and tell them about your problem. Don´t accuse him and don´t judge right or wrong - instead tell them how your current interactions make you feel. &#xA;In short: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Use 'I' statements&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Learn not to make yourself dependent upon the opinion of others.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this sounds way easier than it is, but you need to emancipate yourself. It does not matter what anyone else thinks is a respectable field to work in - it matters that the person in the mirror that greets you each morning things you´re ok. If you are satisfied with yourself, it becomes much harder to hurt you with judgmental statements. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sibling: I wish you would work in a more 'respectable' field&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Well, that´s ok - I´m happy so  ... it looks like you´ll need to learn to live with it. (say it with a smile)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Stand up for yourself.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Constant mocking of each other can also be a friendly game of punches - especially between siblings. So if you can take it as a game, you may just be a able to come to terms with it. I have a good friend who does this constantly and when I meet him I know what to expect. Instead of thanking his comments serious, I think about a punchy reply. When one has &quot;won&quot; such a verbal punching, the other one just nod´s a short: &lt;em&gt;haha - good one&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your example this could look like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sibling: I wish you would work in a more 'respectable' field&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Oh - so instead of healing people I should work at killing them or lying to them to give me power? Wow, I´m happy I did not end up with the same wired set of morals!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(This could escalate - use at your own discretion depending on character of your sibling)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T09:53:19.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16600" CreationDate="2018-07-17T10:17:52.477" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the troublemaker is the 'middle child', as in you have a third and even older sibling, then you'll probably always have that problem. The middle child was accustomed to getting all the attention, until the younger one came along. The oldest, having been through the process twice, accepts this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if there are only two children, you'll still get some of that 'you took away all the attention I was getting', even though that may have been decades ago. We learn strange things when we're children, that can stick with us for a lifetime. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have been more successful professionally than them, that will only increase the jealousy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have an older sister, who was the middle child, and she to this day still maintains that somewhat patronizing attitude. (she is 63, I'm 61) Some never grow out of it. I get the 'I'm your big sister, it's my job' line, I find it irritating, but it never changes. I was more successful than her professionally, and that only made an irritating situation worse. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have learned to just tune it out and limit contact. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you need to keep in mind is that you may never get the respect that they would give to a stranger on the street. It's just one of those things. They seem to think it's 'cute' or 'quaint'. It's not, but you won't change their mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conclusion I reached is that her approval really isn't that important any more, because I'll never get it. C'est la vie. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One word of caution: we don't like to think of this, but when you lose a parent and there is an estate to settle, watch out... that sibling will most likely amplify the negativity to a degree that can surprise you. I had this discussion with a couple of friends who have also been through that, and we concluded that when there's an estate to settle (doesn't matter what the size is), someone has to become completely unreasonable, and it's the person who is least happy with their own life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just stand your ground, and remember: the greatest achievement of your parents isn't their wealth... it's you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19337" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T10:17:52.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16600" CreationDate="2018-07-17T10:31:35.113" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You and your brother are in a pattern and have been for decades.  It is not easy to break such a pattern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not recommended:&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Confront him in the moment&lt;/strong&gt;. Reason: He is counting on you getting annoyed. Your reaction would come from and display annoyance. This will simply play into the pattern, no matter what you say or how you say it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Leave:&lt;/strong&gt; Leaving is extremely impolite and should be reserved for situations you can not resolve in other ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps try this:&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Try to solve the situation beforehand.&lt;/strong&gt; Write your brother so it gives him time to think about it. Use the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.inc.com/geoffrey-james/9-rules-for-effective-feedback.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;rules of feedback&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep It To Yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use a specific situation. No generics.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell how it made you feel.&#xA;Feedback is also recommended to be timely. This won't work in your case, because you'll be annoyed and it will play into the pattern.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You do everything wrong&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;in retaliation, instead say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You said X, I felt Y and now I don't feel like coming to family meetings.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Dear brother, I want to say something about our yearly meetings. At the last meeting you said XYZ. This made me feel like I had to defend myself, and as if I were a disappointment and generally throwing my life away. I don't know what to do to make you happy, except quit my job and work in another area that does not mean anything to me which I am not going to do. I feel I have worked hard for this and I am very happy with my job, it makes me sad to think I should look at myself as a disappointment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The way you treat me makes me seriously consider not going to our family meetings because I go home feeling inadequate and whatever I achieve means nothing. I would appreciate if you could be a bit more supportive of my career choice.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't demand respect outright, but tell him you would appreciate if he would offer you a bit more respect. If you respect his career choice, I am sure he can offer the same in return - fair is fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful, and stay true to your emotions. The more you keep it to what you feel, the more he will fill in his part by himself; no need to do that for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on how he replies, if I were you, I would seriously consider not going to a place where you don't want to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10521" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T11:38:48.923" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T11:38:48.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10295" CreationDate="2018-07-17T10:33:41.830" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make it as clean as possible.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A breakup is a little like loosing part of your body - and as such it is best to make it as clean as possible. One sharp surgical cut still hurts, but its faster and you´ll recover better than with any alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you tell her be clear: You do not love her, and there is absolutely no way of getting back together! There, and in subsequent encounters, don´t leave any doubt that there is &lt;strong&gt;no more love&lt;/strong&gt; from your side. A long as there´s hope, she won´t start getting over you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There´s no way you can do this and be nice. What you can do is &lt;strong&gt;be honest&lt;/strong&gt;. Any dishonesty will lead to additional wounds in the form of trust issues. As such I´d think long and hard if it is really wise to draw out this relationship. Most people are stronger than one thinks and getting of of a worrying relationship-state can also mean she´ll have more energy to concentrate on her exams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look for external support for her. Making sure flatmate/friends/family are there to look out for her afterwards seems like a good plan. Don´t do it before (trust- she´d wanne be the first to know) but right after the breakup. &lt;strong&gt;You are the one doing the hurting, you can´t be part of the healing!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forget about the friendship for now. This can be, in the future, but you both need to be over it first. If you stay in her life, she can´t get over you and you´ll risk keeping her in a dependent state while you have moved on. Also you´ll want to refrain from promises you can´t keep. What if you find a new girl, who is not happy that your ex calls you for emotional support in the middle of your date-night?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.elitedaily.com/life/psychology-closure-long-really-takes-get-ex/912245&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Her is a good article about the &amp;quot;getting over&amp;quot; part:&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Researchers at the University of Berkeley found that your brain in love is the same as your brain when it's been wired for reward -- the reward, that is, being an interaction with your ex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that the reward isn't coming doesn't stop your brain from wanting it, from trying to get it. It seems like it's not &amp;quot;love&amp;quot; that's the drug; it's your ex. And you're experiencing some painful withdrawal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know the natural reaction is to be nice, to offer support an friendship, to wait for the &amp;quot;right&amp;quot; moment etc. - but if you´re honest all those things really just serve to make yourself feel better. They don´t help your ex!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T10:33:41.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16615" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16628" CreationDate="2018-07-17T11:29:30.853" Score="62" ViewCount="19488" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ok, so it may looks like I'm making too much of a big deal of this situation, but, as a typical French guy, I'm taking this issue rather seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bakery I'm used to buying my bread from was taken over by another team, and now it &lt;em&gt;seems&lt;/em&gt; that sometimes the bread they are selling is not always freshly baked that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is especially the case early in the morning, where I have repeatedly found that the bread was not fresh, but looked more like it was baked the day before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could understand that they would like to empty their stocks before a new day starts, but I'd like to know about it, and not to pay the full price. &#xA;Furthermore, I'm getting up early to buy my baguette for the day, and it doesn't seem it's worth the effort, as I could keep some bread for the next morning myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way to ask my baker, without offending him, if the bread sold early in the morning was really baked the same day?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't go to another bakery (this is too far from my location). Also, it is not an industrial bakery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19930" LastEditorUserId="2245" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T11:03:39.890" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T20:50:29.270" Title="How to ask my local baker if he is always selling freshly baked bread" Tags="&lt;france&gt;&lt;shopping&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16615" CreationDate="2018-07-17T11:41:13.910" Score="76" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you got stale bread, you should complain! Any serious business owner is dependent on such feedback and should be happy that you did - rather than just leave a bad review and never come back again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I´d avoid accusations like &quot;you are selling yesterdays bread&quot; - could also be other issues like baked too long etc. Just state that you are not happy with the quality - best when you just bought something so they can examine it. Let them figure out what´s wrong with it. If they are serious about their business they should apologize and offer you a refund or a better baguette in exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want as soft an complaint as possible, start with the positive. Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love your baguettes and I am getting up early to get fresh ones, every day! Unfortunately this one is not up to the usual standard. Will you have a look please?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they decide to ignore your complaint or get offended you will know that they don´t care about the quality and can look for other sources. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T12:13:52.733" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T12:13:52.733" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16617" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-17T11:47:24.690" Score="29" ViewCount="9297" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I go shopping (I am not doing that often, only sometimes when I really need some new clothes), I'd like to take my time, look at all available stuff, and thinking about what I need and what not, or what I'd like to wear, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most of the shops, you can feel free and you can take your time, especially with big store chains (for example H&amp;amp;M, CA, ZARA etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some other shops (here I mean smaller, not really well known), in most cases I find myself being annoyed with some sellers (in my case all were women), asking the same question: if I need help, or if they can give their opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is really nice that they ask, but I find it a kind of control, or annoying sometimes, and I prefer to be alone to think well without being disturbed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question&lt;/strong&gt; is how to react in this kind of situation? I mean how to tell them that you prefer being alone rather than being asked every 5 minutes without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PS:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I am living in Germany, but I'm from Tunisia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastEditorUserId="15789" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T15:29:08.357" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T07:11:29.153" Title="How to ask a store clerk to leave you alone without being rude?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;&lt;shopping&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16617" CreationDate="2018-07-17T11:51:36.687" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;A simple &quot;Danke, ich bin nur am schauen&quot; or &quot;Ich schau nur, danke&quot; (Thanks, just looking) should suffice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tells them you're just looking, and most will not bother you after. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could add &quot;Ich melde mich&quot; to tell them you'll be the one initiating if you need anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5726" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T19:10:57.743" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T19:10:57.743" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16617" CreationDate="2018-07-17T11:55:46.760" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Appreciate their offer and tell them you´ll get back to them when you have any questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seller: Do you need help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Oh thank you - currently I'm fine, but if I do need help, I'll tell you!&#xA;&lt;em&gt;(Dankeschön, aber ich komme zurecht. Wenn ich Hilfe brauche melde ich mich nochmal!)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This not only acknowledges their effort, but also sets the expectation of who has take action to engage again - so they'll refrain from asking again after some minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: Some stores pay bonuses to their employees for successfully selling - that´s why they sometimes put their mark on the price-tags. The seller then has an interest to get involved with the client. If they ask a second time, be a little bit more forceful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No really, I am fine. Again, If I have any questions I know where to find you! &lt;em&gt;(Nein danke, Ich komme wirklich zurecht! Ich melde mich dann wenn ich was brauche!)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Reference: Experience in shopping in Germany for all my life)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T12:15:20.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16620" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16634" CreationDate="2018-07-17T11:57:17.810" Score="68" ViewCount="29844" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been in this company for 5 months now and I'm sharing an office with four men (35 to 55 y.o.). They all are white, heterosexual cis men. For the record I'm a white, 22 y.o., heterosexual cis woman&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's been a viral video in France in the beginning of July where &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXCyOR8lNGU&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;a bunch of people discuss non-binary and LGBTQ+ discrimination&lt;/a&gt;. At the beginning of the debate the facilitator address these people as &lt;em&gt;gentlemen&lt;/em&gt;, to which one of them responds: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What makes you think I'm a man? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this video was released my coworkers are making fun of them and making jokes about being non-binary. I do not want to repeat them here, but they are deeply offensive and spreads threats towards LGBTQ+ people. It goes very far most of the time.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;They joke about it &lt;strong&gt;during work time&lt;/strong&gt;, in the office, &lt;strong&gt;twice a day&lt;/strong&gt; (and for 30+ minutes) since last week. Most of the time I put my earphones in so as not to participate&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt; (because I am shy and I struggle to be heard in debates and every time I confront them, they laugh at me and tell me my opinion is stupid), but this week they called me to get engaged in their LGBT-phobic conversation and jokes. It seemed like they wouldn't listen to me when I insinuate it's offensive and makes me uncomfortable (because I am a hetero cis woman), and I really want them to stop spreading those awful jokes while at work (at least when I'm nearby).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I do to try to get my coworkers to stop their &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/LGBTphobia&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;LGBT-phobic&lt;/a&gt; conversation during work time?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I would like to avoid confrontational suggestions if possible, since I'm gonna be around for a while and I would like to maintain a cordial atmosphere despite our differences of opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Edit&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They often start debates (most of the time on topics involving racism / homophobia / rape apology / ...). I'm bothered by the fact they do this during work time but mostly by their opinions themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My manager doesn't know about it, but they're not managing all of us. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday I told them that my mom is non-binary&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; after a very offensive and inappropriate joke. They were saying that LGBTQ+ people are freaks and that we should get rid of all of them, so I just &quot;dropped the bomb&quot;. They laughed at me and went on. This made me really mad so I just put my earphones back on and didn't talk to them for the rest of the day, but it persisted for at least 30 other minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Those are not &quot;just jokes&quot;. They actually stand by the opinion held by their jokes. But TBH their hatred seems to be based more on ignorance and fear than real knowledge of LGBTQ+ &quot;world&quot;, if I may.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm not trying to change their opinion. I surely don't agree with them, but it is not my place to try to change their mind, plus I'm not sure I could even change something. I'd just like them to stop uttering death-threatening jokes towards one specific part of the population during work time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;: My mother does not consider herself a trans woman. She is what we call in French an ftoX, namely &quot;female to unknown&quot;. There's no such thing in French as the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singular_they&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;neutral they&lt;/a&gt; (well, it's only starting with the &quot;iel&quot; pronoun but people fight not to use it), so we make a difference between (fe-)male (which stands for the sex) and (wo-)man (for the gender). Considering this, my mother was assigned female at birth and considers themselves neither a man nor a woman. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt;: They often call debates on controversial topics. For instance when the verdict of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.archyworldys.com/why-spain-enrage-after-the-trial-of-la-meute-a-group-of-five-men-tried-for-rape-in-meeting/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;La Meute trial&lt;/a&gt; went public, they said it's normal for a woman to be abused of when talking to men in the streets. &lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T11:39:24.693" LastActivityDate="2018-11-12T20:12:03.680" Title="How can I try to get my coworkers to stop their jokes on LGBTQ+ people" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16622" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16623" CreationDate="2018-07-17T12:31:12.210" Score="19" ViewCount="11138" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am studying mechanics at the university. Last summer, I did a great internship in an auto industry company. This internship was really rewarding, I did a useful job and I learned many things on different subjects. My co-workers were really nice to me and my tutor made me have an incredible first working experience by showing me all the departments, the factories, etc. I happened to get this internship by contacting via LinkedIn a former student of my university who is working there.&#xA;Also, my university is keeping a database with all the internships the students have done, to allow other students to see in what kind of company they can apply to and read the internship reports.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some days ago, a student from my university asked me if I could give him the name and email address of my former tutor in the company I did my internship as he is very interested in doing one there. The problem is: I know this student for being unreliable. He was part of different student societies this year and a lot of people complained about his inability to do what he was asked, to attend meetings and to be available to organize events. But on the other hand, when we talked together, he was always very nice with me and we had some interesting conversations about the auto industry, races and so on.&#xA;I feel like if I give him the contact of my former tutor, he may get in touch with him and disappoint him. Even if he doesn’t get an internship, he may act as usual, i.e. not replying to emails or not doing what my former tutor may ask him to do. I want to keep a good relationship with my former tutor and I feel it could be jeopardized if I “send” him a student who is not serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell him I don’t want to give him the contact of my former tutor without being rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19928" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T16:56:47.063" Title="How to tell a classmate I don’t want to give him a contact for an internship?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;students&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16622" CreationDate="2018-07-17T12:43:06.247" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;In your place I would talk to the former tutor and be frank about your impression of the student. Let him decide if he wants to give him a chance or not. They might be in dire need of new employees and they might want to meet and interview him to assess if they want to offer him an internship or not. You can't know their current situation and preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you contact the tutor options are much clearer: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are not looking for interns right now - just let the student know&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are interested and will meet with the student - you have already shared your opinion on the person so they won't hold it against you if it doesn't work out&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also don't forget that people change and grow. Generally speaking they are more reliable as they grow older (up to a certain age at least). God knows my work ethic has changed a lot in my first few years after college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Many of you have raised concerns about giving negative feedback to the recruiter/old mentor and how professional it is. I can freely say I totally agree with you all. That point should be taken with moderation and really depends on the relationship of the OP with the mentor and how much distance he is comfortable with creating. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example if I am giving a reference to an old company I used to work for and have no interaction with those people I would be much more neutral.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am giving a reference to the company owned by some of my university friends or people that I generally have a outstanding relationship with I will be much more direct and honest about my opinion as not creating a bigger rift between me and the person I refer can compromise my own relationship with my friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another reason I would be more direct that what is generally accepted is because I live in an ex communist country where the only way to get things done was to know someone up high and to some extend this is still ongoing. Here personal references are taken a lot more seriously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am certain OP will find the balance in his own situation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T08:20:19.513" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T08:20:19.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16620" CreationDate="2018-07-17T12:43:39.990" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't change their opinions, no matter how hard you try.&lt;/strong&gt;  Trying to do so can cause resentment and hostility, which I learned the hard way when trying to get my friend to tone it down on their liberal use of LGBTQ+ slurs.  My solution was to shift the conversation from this topic to something else, preferably something that makes them look bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They joke about it during work time, in the office, twice a day (and for 30+ minutes) since last week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perfect.  30 minutes, twice a day ends up being 5 hours a week, which when you think about taking a half day on Friday is a lot of time.  This is the topic that I would recommend switching to when they ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stated you were putting in headphones to tune them out, which is a good solution so far.  When they ask you about your opinions you can rebut them by saying something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find that pretty offensive and don't want to take part, but don't you have work to do anyways?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know why you are spending so much time talking about this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shifts the conversation to be more about their lack of work rather than LGBTQ+ issues, and makes them (hopefully) realize its a waste of time.  If this persists, you should speak to the supervisor and explain that your coworkers are wasting lots of &lt;em&gt;company&lt;/em&gt; time talking.  You did note that the supervisor doesn't way anything to them when they do talk about it and sometimes laughs.  Don't bring up the subject, keep it general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T12:43:39.990" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16620" CreationDate="2018-07-17T12:45:32.830" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you asked this on IPS, rather then on Workplace, I'll ignore other approaches like escalating to management/HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to make clear that this approach is not ideal. You won´t change their opinion, only maybe silence them. Also it may not work with all people. The idea is to stay in their lingo, and stay in joking/mocking tone - not to present this as an serious insult. But this approach has worked for me before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found to be most effective to silence homophobes is to imply that their talking about it signals secret desires. Like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They: &lt;em&gt;some inappropriate joke about gays&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Man, for somebody claiming to be only interested in girls you sure talk a lot about gay stuff. You sure you don't have some unfulfilled dreams there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if asked&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They: So what are your thoughts about our discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: You know, normally I don't think a lot about it, as it does not really affect me. But your obsession with that topic lately got me thinking: Maybe it is true that most people are bi to some degree and that's why you are so fascinated about it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people get pretty shy when they are suddenly the target. Repeat this in some form every time they bring it up - or even refer to them as the ones constantly &lt;em&gt;obsessed&lt;/em&gt; with gay thoughts and chances are high they will keep a low profile with that topic around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Reference: Own experience, with non PC friends etc.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Anecdote:&lt;/strong&gt; In my childhood I saw a woman silencing a man who couldn't stop his sexual banter by a simple &lt;em&gt;Yeah, you know how they say about sex - those who need to talk about it usually don't have it!&lt;/em&gt; It shut him up and impressed me a great deal!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further clarification as per statement in comments: First, you are essentially turning their own phobia against them. So while that does not convince them to become better people, I don't think this reinforces their opinion either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, I imagine part of the reason why this is often quite effective is that there is a grain of truth in these assertions. See &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.medicaldaily.com/drinking-alcohol-makes-straight-men-more-sexually-fluid-beer-goggles-boost-416786&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most notably, alcohol intake was related to increased sexual willingness of men with a same-sex partner&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/3e75b380-f622-4345-a383-4f948fc1013c&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a recent study, when asked to place themselves on a 'sexuality scale', of the 18 to 24 year olds participating, 1 in 2 chose something other than 100% heterosexual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T14:35:51.643" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16626" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16629" CreationDate="2018-07-17T12:53:47.903" Score="6" ViewCount="1109" Body="&lt;p&gt;This might be a very basic thing for many but love is definitely not my strong subject at all!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a girl I like very much, long story short, we started to text each other around 3 - 4 times a day including weekends (since 3 weeks), we already went for a coffee once and it was a great time, I am enjoying it quite a lot to be honest, I like to talk to her (she has been very enthusiast as well which made me even happier) but, two days ago I started noticing she is taking longer to answer and we now only text each other once or twice a day.  Since I am inexperienced when it comes to ladies I started to wonder,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I find out if my text messages are appreciated?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I fear that if I simply ask why she is taking so long to respond it might come across as accusatory or even demanding. I don't want to accuse or even demand!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no experience on this kind of things so I wanted to inform myself and that is why I am kindly asking for advise, thanks a lot in advance, any light on the matter would be enormously welcomed!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an extra detail, I am Mexican and she is German so I am aware of cultural differences.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;My inquiry will take place over text messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks a lot!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19936" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T14:04:29.443" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T22:38:06.427" Title="How to find out if my text messages are appreciated?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16620" CreationDate="2018-07-17T12:57:43.293" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I suggest that you remind your coworkers that all people have feelings and that we all differ in our own ways.  Many of those differences are not chosen by us.  They should spend more time being thankful for what they have, and less time making fun of what they perceive to be other people's problems.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would tell them that ridiculing someone for something they are born with is just mean, similar to making fun of a birth defect or disease.&lt;/strong&gt; (Please note that I am not saying that homosexuality is a disease.  My point is that it is not necessarily a chosen lifestyle.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a long history of making fun of other people.  Not to their faces, but with my friends.  I have matured a lot over 40-something years and seldom say things I regret now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I keep much more control over my words because I now have an awareness that the people around me likely have friends and family members that my joking would disparage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Anecdote 1:&lt;/strong&gt;  About 10 years ago I &lt;strong&gt;almost&lt;/strong&gt; made a joke to a co-worker about someone &quot;riding the short bus&quot; before I remembered that his daughter has down syndrome.  I still remember it with shame even though I didn't say anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Anecdote 2:&lt;/strong&gt;  Remember those &quot;dead baby jokes&quot; that were big in the eighties?  I wonder if any mothers who lost a baby overheard us telling those.  I sure hope not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal Anecdote 3:&lt;/strong&gt;  When I was young, jokes about some diseases seemed funny.  Since losing my dad, I cringe when I hear a joke about dementia.  I try not to tell any joke that could dredge up those kinds of painful memories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8524" LastEditorUserId="8524" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T13:33:11.357" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T13:33:11.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16615" CreationDate="2018-07-17T13:00:42.453" Score="77" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you should really complain directly. Some people, like me do not really mind if the bread is really fresh because I don't consume it right away. &#xA;I think telling what you are looking for is not something that should offend your baker. But you might want to do it by asking with a positive attitude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of telling him you are unhappy about his bread, maybe tell him that you really enjoy eating fresh, warm and crispy baguette in the morning. If you find it a bit rude to ask for a fresh baguette right away, you can try to ask him at when you should come to have the bread just out of the oven. Stress the fact that you are ready to come early in the morning to enjoy a fresh baguette. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after asking for a fresh baguette, he still gives you stale bread, then I guess you should complain and tell him that you don't find his bread fresh enough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17492" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T13:00:42.453" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16629" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16626" CreationDate="2018-07-17T13:03:49.350" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The only person who knows for sure is her. Just ask!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, as long as she is reciprocating and you are not the only one always texting first, its OK. But, you should really just ask her. What´s wrong with a simple: &lt;em&gt;Hey - we text a lot. I kind of enjoy this, but please tell me if it´s too much, OK?&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;I´ve been noticing you toned down the texting lately? Are you getting tired of it?&lt;/em&gt; Do this in a personal conversation, like every serious topic - texting is only for chit-chat as you can´t adjust tone or read emotions through text! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being open and talking about issues to find some common ground is the key to any successful relationship! &lt;em&gt;(That´s at least to my own experience)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T14:54:01.437" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T14:54:01.437" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16586" CreationDate="2018-07-17T13:29:43.177" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the guy knows you are in a relationship and is in fact trying to take you out on a date regardless, I'm not sure any tactful discussion will stop him from 'making a move' given the opportunity. Someone who disregards what you are communicating to him once is perfectly capable of doing it again even if you communicate more clearly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case I think actions speak loudest - and these are actions it's good to take any time you are meeting someone offline for the first time. Make sure you have your own transport organised to and from the venue and avoid agreeing to any situation that would have you alone with him. Let other people know what you are doing so they can check up on you if necessary. You can explain to your friend what you are doing and have a general discussion about ensuring you are safe with someone you have never met in person, which is perfectly normal and sensible when taking online friendships offline. This may provoke an assurance of it being a non-romantic/non-sexual invitation from him, but if it doesn't you will still be able to retreat safely if you do encounter unwanted advances. Sadly you really can't know the guy's intentions until you meet him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you also avoid embarrassing your friend if he is, say, simply clueless about the possible connotations of the arrangement, or a foodie who has always wanted to visit that particular restaurant. There are some guys out there who do just like to take female friends out to nice places with no strings attached. It's probably rare and all the guys I've known like that have been... complicated, to say the least, but if nothing else makes you wary of him it is at least possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19049" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T13:29:43.177" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16620" CreationDate="2018-07-17T14:41:05.920" Score="69" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've posted &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14447/59&quot;&gt;similar answers&lt;/a&gt;&#xA;to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/14445/how-to-quickly-remove-yourself-from-a-homophobic-conversation&quot;&gt;similar questions&lt;/a&gt; before, but this isn't strictly a duplicate, so here we go again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I find helpful when I have to deal with similar things in my workplace is to shake my head to indicate &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a simple gesture of disapproval and then an exit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even when I'm stuck working in the same room with people who are pretty awful, I can usually get away with leaving to go to the restroom or out for a quick smoke break, and by the time I return the conversation has usually shifted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to give people a strong indicator that what's going on isn't ok with me and it seems to reduce recurrences. Admittedly it doesn't eliminate recurrence, but most people seem to get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14447/59&quot;&gt;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14447/59&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you prefer, you could try a little hateful rant judo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that worked for me, when I was working in construction, was to subtly redirect the rant. It was effective against a wide variety of divisive rants and it has helped me survive a number of US election cycles since then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person on a hateful rant usually doesn't care so much about what kind of hateful rant it is, so if you drop a bug in their ear about something else they hate when they're just getting started you can often perform a sort of hateful rant judo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sort of looks like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ranter- Those damn immigrants rabble rabble rabble...&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Me- Wait, did you see what [Most hated client] is asking for now? What the hell are they thinking?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Ranter- Let me tell you about [Most hated client] rabble rabble rabble!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to work pretty well most of the time. It also helps a little bit with workplace solidarity. Most workplaces have a common enemy, in the form of an obnoxious client, or supplier or what have you... When people vent and joke together about a common frustration it can help to ease that frustration and helps them to relate to each other over something fairly harmless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6763/59&quot;&gt;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6763/59&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've definitely been in these situations more times than I can count. There isn't really a fool proof way to make people see that they're being nasty and cruel without engaging with them fully over a really long period of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I've said in my other answers is more ways to show disapproval, or to redirect. Actually getting people to change their views takes a hell of a lot more personal investment, and even then, they have to be willing. It seems that an awful lot of people don't see how harmful that kind of talk is, until it's about them or about someone they personally care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, I think it's worth mentioning why this kind of joking is problematic. We seem to be living in a time where an awful lot of people seem to think that it should be just fine to joke at the expense of others, that people are just too sensitive these days...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's take minute to examine that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making people a punchline often makes hate socially acceptable. It normalizes hateful ideas and stereotypes. This is very often part of how these ideas are passed from generation to generation. How children learn these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying that &amp;quot;it's just a joke&amp;quot; doesn't do much to reduce the slow grinding of hearing hateful things on a regular basis. If you're cisgender and heterosexual, you probably don't notice a lot of the jokes and slights, that LGBT+ folks have to endure. You probably don't notice that the vast majority of films depict heterosexual relationships, and homosexuality is usually reduced to sterotypes, cliches, and comic relief. You probably don't have people trolling you anytime you mention your relationships online. You probably haven't had to wonder if it's ok to talk about the person you were falling in love with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it's true that some comics use humor to great effect to show people the ridiculousness of hate, those tend to be the exceptions, and not the usual experience. The usual experience tends to be more of a &amp;quot;you people are different and thus laughable. Your sexuality, gender, etc is a joke. Your relationship is a joke. It's ok for me to make fun of the people you love.&amp;quot; That kind of joking isn't very funny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would you feel if someone openly insulted you? Your family? Your husband/wife/partner? Your child? You'd probably get pretty reactionary too, wouldn't you? Would you accept some tired half baked argument about freedom of expression, if someone was talking about you and yours?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I doubt it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And trust me... The moment a queer person jokes back, homophobic people melt like snowflakes. Hell, even saying something that's descriptive and not derogatory in any way sets them off &amp;quot;I'm not 'cisgender' I'm normal!&amp;quot; There's no parity there. Non-cis non-hetero people are too often reduced to self deprecating humor if they want to joke, and you know why? Because it makes &lt;em&gt;you people&lt;/em&gt; more comfortable. Who's really being overly sensitive here? I'll start a timer and wait for the first comment reacting to the use of &lt;em&gt;you people.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure many of you have a LGBT+ friend that seems just fine with these kinds of jokes. They probably aren't. They're probably trying not to step on your toes. They probably know how sensitive people can be when confronted about these things, and it's easier to laugh it off than it is to tell you the truth and then have to have this argument again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't tell me it's political. It isn't. Please keep in mind that your right to be awful, doesn't make it right to be awful. Sure you're free to crack offensive jokes, freedom of speech covers that, but it also covers my right to respond to your offensive jokes. I'm not an agent of the government, so I'm totally free to tell you to &amp;quot;shut up&amp;quot; and that isn't a violation of your rights.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I guess the tl;dr is... It doesn't cost anything to not be cruel. Even when it's &amp;quot;just a joke&amp;quot; it's cruel and it's hurting people. If you do it, please stop. If you know other people who do it, please discourage them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-12T20:12:03.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16586" CreationDate="2018-07-17T15:13:43.730" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, one of the basic lessons of male-female communications is: What women think is a broad and obvious hint often goes completely over a man's head. Don't hint. Tell him straight out. It doesn't have to rude. Not, &quot;I suspect you're just trying to get some cheap sex and I want you to know I'm not a prostitute&quot; or something crude like that. But, &quot;I have a boyfriend and I'm not looking for someone else. I'd love to get together with you as friends, but if you're thinking this could lead to a romantic relationship, I don't want you to come all this way and then find out that that's not a possibility.&quot; (Or from your wording, maybe you're saying you're in a same-sex relationship. Whatever.) Those may not be the best words. That's off the top of my head, and when I have something important to say in a relationship I'll work on the exact wording for hours or days. :-) But something to that effect. This is my situation. It is not subject to negotiation. I don't want you to have a wrong impression and waste your time and/or set you up for disappointment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, the fact that he wanted to push ahead after you said you had someone else could mean one of two things: (a) He's not looking for a romantic relationship so this fact is irrelevant. Or (b) He is looking for a romantic relationship and he thinks he can win you over from the other person. Well, maybe also, (c) He's looking for cheap sex and doesn't care if you go back to someone else afterwards. That's why I say not to rely on hints. You may be thinking, &quot;I told him I already have someone else, so obviously I'm not interested in him.&quot; But he may take that as, &quot;Well, I have someone else at the moment, but I didn't know &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; were available.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T15:13:43.730" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16636" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16701" CreationDate="2018-07-17T15:16:58.410" Score="16" ViewCount="4425" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend is 26 and, when we hang out, he typically enjoys looking at nice girls and he hopes to know them. He's never been in a relationship though, and he's very shy with girls. In the past, he's been rejected by two girls but he's now over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, when he makes me notice some girl he likes, I propose to be his wingman or, other times, I try to push him a little bit. He then becomes scared as hell and there's no way to get him to move towards the girls, so I stop after a bit. I've picked up conversations with random girls with him being at my side, in order to show him that they won't laugh at you and tell anyone to come and see.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's now also starting to convince himself that all girls have a bad attitude and only want to deceive the males to get attentions, and this really bothers me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm friends with him, and I can see that he strongly feels the need for a relationship, but I haven't been able to help him and I feel that if I keep pushing him I may risk breaking the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I help him overcome this social difficulty without risking our friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19942" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T07:58:00.293" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T15:18:37.417" Title="Helping a 26 years old friend who has never dated anyone" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;shyness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16636" CreationDate="2018-07-17T15:31:02.377" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been that guy, albeit at a younger age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helped me was to put me in an environment where I could get to know other people/girls in a non-sexual context, over a longer time. Picking an appropriate hobby can do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What also helped was taking up exercising. Helped me to feel good about my body and pushed self-confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side remark: A friend of mine did resist all efforts to get involved with girls. At the age of thirty he suddenly showed up with a girlfriend, after everybody gave up. He picked her up all on her own, via online dating. They are now happily married and have a child. Sometimes problems solve themselves, when the time is right ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T22:05:46.843" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T22:05:46.843" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16615" CreationDate="2018-07-17T16:38:55.590" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you show up in the morning, simply ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, is the bread for sale all baked fresh this morning?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking with a smile will of course come off as more polite and friendly than asking with a scour. It's also important to ask &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; you buy and taste the bread, as asking after will definitely come off as a reaction to the quality of the bread, unless you add in something like &quot;this bread has a nice flavor, but...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is &quot;no&quot; or &quot;some of it is&quot;, explain that you really love fresh bread and you think there would be demand for fresh bread in the morning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt; to explain why this is a good idea, and why this will work:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This answer will give OP &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; the information he desires in a direct yet civil, polite, and socially normative way. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This answer advises that the solution is not simply about what to ask, but &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; to ask it in a way the ensures the directness will not be mistaken for being overly judgemental or rude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This answer gives advice for how to follow up with the baker in the event that the bread is not fresh, taking into account OPs information that he does not have an alternative bakery to buy from, and that he cannot alter his schedule. The suggested response to a negative answer (i.e. &quot;the baguette is not fresh&quot;) succinctly articulates OPs desire for fresh bread in a polite way, and provides anecdotal evidence to the baker that fresh bread in the morning will be well received if the baker changes his baking schedule. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please let me know if I should keep increasing the verbosity of this answer to address any other concerns. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2277" LastEditorUserId="2277" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T19:13:54.313" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T19:13:54.313" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16636" CreationDate="2018-07-17T16:46:41.420" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When helping this friend (or anyone) it's really important to gauge how much he wants helped and how willing he is to be helped. A lot of people want their problems to go away, but aren't willing to make changes that cause the problems to go away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your buddy really wants help, explain to him that he's going to have to take risks and put himself out there a little, and that he needs to trust you. If your buddy isn't willing to try your advice out, then he isn't willing to be helped by you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to try to help and your friend doesn't demonstrate willingness to try things, then you have to keep trying to get him to try out different options. You could think of a few options of ways he can try to meet / befriend women and try to get him to pick one of them, for example. Maybe attempting a social pick-up is too daunting, but joining a club, taking a class, or something similar can do it for him. Keep trying, and try to help him understand that he'll have to do something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T16:46:41.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16615" CreationDate="2018-07-17T17:05:40.130" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be specific.  Instead of asking &quot;is it fresh?&quot;, which sounds both accusatory and vague, ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;What time did this batch come out of the oven?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, you are just asking for information.  It's up to you to decide what you consider to be fresh enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;What's the best time to come for fresh-out-of-the-oven bread?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would be a way to strike up a conversation about how to get fresher bread.  This is a question that conveys that freshness is important to you.  It also communicates that you are willing to adjust your own buying habits to make a better purchase.  (Hopefully, if you time it right, you can see them bringing out a fresh batch, or feel that the bread is still warm.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Out of these kinds of bread, which one is the most recent batch?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't adjust your shopping time, then you can adjust the kind of bread you choose to buy.  Whichever kind they point to, you are going to buy something anyway, so they are likely to give you an honest answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the bakery is serious about freshness, they should know the answers.  None of these questions is a direct complaint about freshness, but they still get you important information for obtaining a fresh loaf.  If it turns out that these questions don't lead you to a fresher loaf, then you would probably need to find another source of bread.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4177" LastEditorUserId="4177" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T18:47:31.353" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T18:47:31.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-17T17:13:39.197" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you perhaps have missed an important detail. If your wife is a teacher she is used to assuming an authoritarian position.  So to the kids in class it isn't &quot;Please be quiet&quot; but rather &quot;Be quiet.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to your wife and she if she is willing to make this a game with the kids. So if she tells, not asks, one of your children to &quot;Pass the salt&quot; then have the kid ask &quot;What is the magic word?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First this would help the kids learn good manners. It might also help her differentiate between being at work and be out and about in the world. But remember the old adage... &quot;If mama ain't happy then nobody's happy.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6584" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T17:13:39.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16617" CreationDate="2018-07-17T17:13:50.013" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're looking for a simple answer, wear headphones. When they come up, smile and kinda wave them off (maybe adding a &quot;thanks, but I'm just browsing for now&quot;) and go back to what you were looking at. It's most powerful if you look away and put in the earbuds before they really have a chance to counter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only solution at that point is for them to physically touch you or to walk away, and 99.9% of the time, people choose to walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12278" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T17:13:50.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16617" CreationDate="2018-07-17T17:25:06.003" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to leave this here, based on a comment you wrote underneath &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16618/1599&quot;&gt;Mafii's answer&lt;/a&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;+1 .. I like this way, the problem I am new here and my german is not good yet, that is why I didn't think about something like that &lt;sub&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/16617/how-to-ask-a-store-clerk-to-leave-you-alone-without-being-rude#comment67969_16618&quot;&gt;link&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your German isn't that good yet, &lt;strong&gt;you are probably still struggling with your &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basic_interpersonal_communicative_skills&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Basic Interpersonal Communicative Skills&lt;/a&gt;, BICS for short.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've worked retail for several years, in the Netherlands (I also shop for clothes regularly). Over those years, I've met people that are just learning Dutch, or for who English is a second language. Sometimes, their response seems to suggest that they didn't really understand my question, because it didn't really make sense as a reply to the question, or they spoke so soft and accented that I couldn't really understand them. These things often led me to repeat my question, just to make sure the customer understood what I was asking, and I understood correctly what the customer was replying. I'd say in a little over half the cases, the asking again was 'correct', in that I either misunderstood the customer, or the customer misunderstood me. So, the clerk may not just be asking because they get a bonus if they sell you something, they may have just not understood you correctly or want to make sure you understood them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besided the sentences that &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16619/1599&quot;&gt;Daniel&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16618/1599&quot;&gt;Mafii&lt;/a&gt; suggested (which do seem like correct ways to tell store clerks you're just browsing), &lt;strong&gt;try to mind your body language as well.&lt;/strong&gt; I often let that help me decide whether or not to ask again when dealing with non-native speakers. Try to look confident when replying, and also when browsing the clothes. If you do take some time to decide, try not to look too confused. Stand up straight, focus on the product you're deciding about (maybe hold it in front of you and go look in a mirror, for example) or keep browsing the rack, speak with a confident voice (not too loud, but articulated and certainly not too soft either), make eye contact when speaking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll probably notice that once your BICS improve, you're able to react and understand the store clerks better, but even then your body language will still play a role in keeping them at bay. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T17:25:06.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16651" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16626" CreationDate="2018-07-17T17:41:02.790" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I find if you can take a lighthearted or joking tone for questions you think may be touching on sensitive matters that can really make it a lot easier to ask. For example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;hey so what's going, been busy or something? Seems like you're not as chatty lately&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this way you're not accusing them of anything or giving the impression that its bothering you, you're just stating an observation. Phrasing this way gives them an easy excuse if they aren't willing to go into details and makes it a low risk way of asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T17:41:02.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16626" CreationDate="2018-07-17T19:27:11.690" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who's also an eager texter, especially with a new romantic interest, I agree it feels disheartening when someone's replies start to dwindle. Clearly you care about her enough to want to continue to grow a relationship, but she may be feeling a few emotions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She's feeling suffocated&lt;/strong&gt;: most people, especially if busy with school/work, don't appreciate their phones going off all the time. This may cause her to subconsciously associate you with an annoying vibrate or ping.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She's bored with texting&lt;/strong&gt;: texting is great for chit-chat, but if done too frequently can feel monotonous after a while, especially if you've been texting her for a few weeks now.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it's tempting to want to ask her why this is the case, it helps to remember that putting her on the spot with such a question can even decrease the likelihood you'll receive a reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been in this situation before, my advice is to take a couple days off from initiating the conversation. Then, ask her out again, maybe to dinner or a movie. This will show that you not only value her time enough not to constantly text her, but also that you care about her to allocate time and effort for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted, this still won't guarantee a reply from her, but at least you're showing patience towards her and allowing her to answer you on her own time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note: I come from both Mexican and German heritage&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastEditorUserId="1905" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T19:32:31.743" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T19:32:31.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16657" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-17T19:53:08.327" Score="3" ViewCount="821" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So a little background on our relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been dating for about a year and a half now. We're now getting to the conversation of marriage and I'm super excited to see what the future holds. However, getting her to open up is like pulling teeth with a toothpick. She's told me repeatedly she really wants to be able to open up but just has a hard time doing so. She won't even tell me why she has a hard time opening up, which I guess is opening up in and of itself. I've never done anything to break her trust (e.g. texting exes, being flirty with other women, etc.) nor has she had a previous relationship so I don't believe she's been hurt by someone in the past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our current living situation is a bit unusual. I'm living about 4 hours away for an internship while she lives with my family due to her family living halfway across the world. We see each other about every 2 weeks or so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I call her just about 2-3 times a day just asking simple things like how was her day, how did she sleep, what was her favorite part of the day, etc. She sends me pictures of her crocheting projects, her watercolor paintings, and I take interest in what she loves to do. I also often ask how her family is doing, if she's talked to her mom and her sisters, and how her brother in the marines is holding up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Today&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, last night I didn't sleep well so I forgot to call her this morning. So she calls me on my way to work. Meanwhile, she's asking me about my work, the project that I'm doing, asking me to describe it which I really didn't want to do because it would've taken too long to explain with her lack of understanding of the topic. I wanted to just enjoy my morning playlist and the sunrise on my commute. In my groggy self, I just have short responses. She asks me if I'm annoyed with her, and I respond honestly and tell her that I'm not really in the mood to talk and I can call her later. So I tell her I love her and we end the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then immediately after, she sends me a text. Here is our conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: &quot;Babe, the reason I call you is because I really miss my family&#xA;  and having someone to comfort me. I just wanted you to know and&#xA;  understand...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: &quot;So call your family&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;H: &quot;I don't think you understand&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;M: &quot;What is there to understand? You miss your family so it would be&#xA;  natural to call your family&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;H: &quot;And I do. But sometimes what I want to hear from you as the person&#xA;  I'm closest to is that you care for me and that you're there for me&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;M: &quot;We talk every day&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;H: &quot;So you think that all I need in life is to talk to you on the&#xA;  phone and hear how each others day was or how the other person slept&#xA;  and that's good enough?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;M: &quot;What do you expect me to do? Drive 4 hours every morning?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;H: &quot;That's not what I mean and you know it&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;M: &quot;So then why are you getting mad at me?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;H: &quot;No. Of course not. I just sometimes need to hear in words that you&#xA;  care for me and are here for me when I'm hurting. That's all!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;M: &quot;I tell you every day so what's wrong&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;H: &quot;I'm sorry I bothered you. Never mind&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;M: &quot;Wait, why am I the bad guy now?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;H: &quot;You're not&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;M: &quot;You're obviously mad at me&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;H: &quot;I'm not mad, I'm just hurt and lonely. I'm sorry. It's my fault&#xA;  that I bottle up my feelings until the breaking point then expect you&#xA;  to know what's going on. That's not your fault. That's mine.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;M: &quot;Why didn't you say something sooner?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;H: &quot;Because I don't know how to&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;M: &quot;What would you like me to do?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;H: &quot;Nothing I guess. It's my fault. I'm sorry.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation continues a bit. Being the beginning of the workday, I tell her I'll call her during lunch. During that phone call, she tells me for the fortieth time how she has trouble opening up. And again, for the fortieth time, I try to be as kind and as gentle as I can be so she can tell me whatever is going on. And yet, she can't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I've already tried&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried a billion things to help her to open up to me on her terms. I lavish her in gifts. I put off things at work to call her. I call her too and from work. I call her before bed. Whenever we're together, we watch the movies she wants to watch, I take her to go get a pedicure (fellas, I highly recommend a pedicure. They feel amazing) I try my hand at watercolor which I suck at, I cuddle with her the way she wants to cuddle and never make her feel uncomfortable. I make her her favorite tea. I cook dinner for her. I've tried expressing my love for her in all five love languages. I've opened up to her myself telling her about my dreams, desires, aspirations as well as my hurts, struggles, and previous relationships. If none of those above show my care and love for her, I don't know what will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's starting to be a burden on me because I'm trying to be available whenever she needs me but then when I want to do the things that I want to do, that's when she calls me and wants to have a 3 hour long Facetime call. And I'll be as straightforward and honest as I can and tell her that I'm tired and want to relax by blowing up stuff in battlefield. And even still, I'll opt for the 3-hour long facetime call over a Dota match with my guys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To top it all off, my mother, whom I love very much, is quite religious and hates it when my girlfriend and I have any kind of physical affection (because we're not married) and has let us both know how she doesn't want any cuddling in her house. I've respected that rule to a certain extent when I'm visiting. However, being financially independent of my parents and having lived on my own for 3 years now, I have trouble being dictated by someone who used to &lt;em&gt;excessively&lt;/em&gt; discipline me (another story). My girlfriend, on the other hand, cannot stand disappointing anyone (except me, apparently), especially both of our parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it's put a strain on our relationship because 1) my love language is physical affection and 2) whenever we do get a chance to cuddle, my girlfriend gets up and walks away whenever she hears footsteps. So in my mind, she's putting my mother's opinion of her above our relationship, which is extremely hurtful. I've even told her and opened up to her about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now she's telling me that she's lonely which I figured but has never explicitly told me and only does tell me through text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My Questions&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything that I'm doing wrong? What can I do to help her to open up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19952" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T14:32:07.663" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T14:57:27.183" Title="How do I help my girlfriend open up?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-17T20:39:36.527" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16657" CreationDate="2018-07-17T20:19:28.090" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: I understand where you're coming from, and I've been where your girlfriend is, and my husband has been where you are. Try not to make assumptions, and ask &amp;quot;how can I help?&amp;quot; rather than &amp;quot;what do you want me to do?&amp;quot;. Keep doing stuff for her, and give opportunity for her to talk in between and during your activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helped me when I was struggling to open up after a bad breakup/ having traumatic memories was that my husband &lt;em&gt;listened&lt;/em&gt; to me, asked me questions and &lt;strong&gt;validated&lt;/strong&gt; these feelings. From my understanding, you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; a lot with her, and maybe you can help her open up by asking her &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; questions about herself while you both are out and about. This allows for your activities to have depth beyond just &lt;em&gt;doing it&lt;/em&gt; for her, you both have a good discussion on what your foundational beliefs in a variety of things are, and you grow in your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love that you know the love languages, and my husband's happens to also be physical touch. I didn't understand that for a time, until we had a good in-depth, gentle discussion on how to best express our love for each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do you both understand each other's love language?&lt;/strong&gt; If not, this would be a fantastic opportunity to read the book together and discuss it. This activity helped my relationship with my husband grow immensely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The environment she's in also is contributing to her insecurity in expressing love to you. Maybe you can ask her what she talks about with your mom, and if your mom is pushing any unnecessary religious opinions on her. That's happened more than once with my dad, who is a controlling guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A solution to that might be having her come for a weekend, away from your mother and any issues that might be coming up there.&lt;/strong&gt;  Sleeping arrangements can be made, and your mother won't have any say about whatever it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another facet of her not wanting to reveal feelings to you right away is that she might want to avoid confrontation, and to smooth things over. One thing that helps with my security is that my husband tells me that &lt;em&gt;no matter what&lt;/em&gt; I say, he will love me and listen to me, and be open, and not reject me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to take a look at your chat messages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: &amp;quot;Babe, the reason I call you is because I really miss my family and having someone to comfort me. I just wanted you to know and understand...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;So call your family&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;H: &amp;quot;I don't think you understand&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: &amp;quot;What is there to understand? You miss your family so it would be natural to call your family&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;H: &amp;quot;And I do. But sometimes what I want to hear from you as the person I'm closest to is that you care for me and that you're there for me&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This tells me that she may not be talking with her family as much as you think, maybe you can ask her what she talks about with her family, and when, how much, etc. She can decide however much she wants to talk with her family, and &lt;strong&gt;if you feel she's putting the assumption on you that you'll be there when her family is not, that needs to be explored and discussed.&lt;/strong&gt; This is only exploring each other's comfort level of communication, not a confrontation. Start with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hey, there. I was just wondering how your family is, have you talked with them recently? Also, how much do you guys communicate?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe if she's opened up more, you can ask her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;How close are you with your family (mom, dad, siblings, etc), do you wish to be closer to them? How can I help you with that?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to her and see if she just needs to vent about issues with her family you may not have known about. Discuss assumptions put on each other, so to make sure you both are on the same page.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: &amp;quot;We talk every day&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;H: &amp;quot;So you think that all I need in life is to talk to you on the phone and hear how each others day was or how the other person slept and that's good enough?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: &amp;quot;What do you expect me to do? Drive 4 hours every morning?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;H: &amp;quot;That's not what I mean and you know it&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: &amp;quot;So then why are you getting mad at me?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;H: &amp;quot;No. Of course not. I just sometimes need to hear in words that you care for me and are here for me when I'm hurting. That's all!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: &amp;quot;I tell you every day so what's wrong&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is not getting mad at you, it's that you assume she's getting mad at you. In addition to this, this is when you felt you were being &amp;quot;bothered&amp;quot; too much, (not in a good mood) and I think this is another opportunity to open up and say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;hey there, the other day was rough for me, so sometimes in the morning if I don't sleep well, I'm simply not in the mood to have a phone conversation while I commute to work. This doesn't mean I love you any less, I would rather have a great conversation with you when I've fully woken up and can give you full attention. On those mornings or other times when I'm not in the mood, can we find something else for you so that you're not lonely? I want to help you feel more confident in yourself.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that opens up opportunity for exploration and discussion and doesn't put assumptions on anyone helps immensely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;H: &amp;quot;I'm sorry I bothered you. Never mind&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: &amp;quot;Wait, why am I the bad guy now?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;H: &amp;quot;You're not&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: &amp;quot;You're obviously mad at me&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;H: &amp;quot;I'm not mad, I'm just hurt and lonely. I'm sorry. It's my fault that I bottle up my feelings until the breaking point then expect you to know what's going on. That's not your fault. That's mine.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&amp;gt; M: &amp;quot;Why didn't you say something sooner?&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;H: &amp;quot;Because I don't know how to&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: &amp;quot;What would you like me to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;H: &amp;quot;Nothing I guess. It's my fault. I'm sorry.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The statement is an assumption. You are assuming that she is mad at you and that leads to her being put down, to put it simply. She doesn't have the space to really express whether she's mad at you or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Creating a safe space&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, make a space that she can tell you exactly how she feels, and why. Instead of saying &amp;quot;Say something sooner, please&amp;quot;, when you have a private moment with her, just open by saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I want to let you know that this is a safe space for you to express your feelings, whatever they may be. I won't judge, because I love you that much and want to be there for you. What can I do to help? (instead of &amp;quot;what would you like me to do?&amp;quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the crux of the issue here is that you both need to discuss what assumptions and expectations you have of each other, and explore whether they are acceptable or not to each other. Something along the lines of this could begin the conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I would love to discuss and explore our relationship with you, I was wondering what general assumptions I am putting on you- is there something that you feel I'm overlooking or taking for granted from you?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts you in the &amp;quot;firing lane&amp;quot; so to speak, so that she doesn't feel like she has to defend herself, and therefore help her to open up some more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Disclaimer: I am not a counselor (have not even taken any psychology classes), and none of my words should be taken as solid fact, this is only through experience with my relationship and marriage so far. Have been with husband for 5 years total, married for 4 months. Husband is a high-functioning autistic, so my increased analysis in relational interactions has helped in my personal relational conflict solving.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If there's anything I can clear up some more, do let me know. Wishing you all the best.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T14:57:27.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16659" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16622" CreationDate="2018-07-17T20:35:43.167" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;Contact your former tutor and say &quot;I have been asked for your contact information by another student. May I share it with him? This is not a recommendation by me, I am simply facilitating his contact of possible intern sponsors at your company.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't say anything negative. Make clear your role, do the minimum, and step back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You never know when this professionalism will come around to help you in the future, or how unprofessionalism might hurt you (and it is unprofessional to state negative impressions unless you are in a business position where such judgments are required).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If pressed by the contact for your opinion, just say &quot;It seems like you value my opinion, and I am flattered, yet how can I be part of his interview process, since I am just a student?&quot; Keep using some variant of (a very calm) &quot;how am I supposed to do that?&quot; until he stops asking.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastEditorUserId="2568" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T16:56:47.063" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T16:56:47.063" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-17T20:37:27.983" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to challenge the mindset of your question here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you feel your wife is still polite, at least to some degree, when asking for things. Instead of explicitly teaching your children to say &quot;Please&quot; and &quot;Thank You&quot; always, you could instead look at this as teaching your children &lt;em&gt;different ways to be polite.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been my experience that sometimes, saying &quot;Please&quot; when being polite is completely misinterpreted as being condescending. I'm not sure how common this is, it's only an experience I've been fully aware of recently, but I do feel it's common enough to take into account. In that case, learning how to be polite without having to say specific keywords can be very useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, from the sounds of it, are modeling the classic model of politeness, using the proper words and tone. That's great, and I don't suggest giving it up! It's still important for children to learn the polite words, how to say them, and when to use them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it's also important to teach them to be polite through expression, tone, and body language alone. In some situations, please and thank you truly are unnecessary. In others, if used, they can come across as thinly veiling a demand to be a &quot;polite request&quot; instead. Being able to be polite without the &quot;magic words&quot; is just as important as knowing the magic words and how to use them correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend sitting down with your wife and having an honest discussion on what skills of politeness you each model for your children. If you do feel your wife could be a bit more polite without having to use the words, that may be another thing to bring up with her. It may be that her comment that you are &quot;somewhat right&quot; is in line with what I'm proposing here: She feels like &quot;please&quot; is indeed important, but also that being able to be polite without a &quot;please&quot; is important, and that you each model a different form of politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just remember: Simply using the word doesn't make the request polite. Tone, expression, and body language are just as important as the words. To use one of your examples, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Pass the salt, please&quot;&lt;/em&gt; might not be &quot;polite&quot; if you use a bored, commanding, or aggressive tone. A simple &lt;em&gt;&quot;Would you pass the salt?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; with a friendly tone, a cheerful smile, or other polite body language can likewise be &quot;polite&quot; and not even need the word. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While &lt;em&gt;&quot;Pass the salt, please&quot;&lt;/em&gt; with the same body language as &lt;em&gt;&quot;Would you please pass the salt?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; would come across as more polite, faking it for the sake of teaching your children to say &quot;please&quot; could backfire if it comes out as less-than-friendly for any reason. (I'm not saying you do this, or that this is guaranteed if you are always using please. We are, however, human, and humans can make mistakes or say things with a different tone than intended.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3619" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T20:37:27.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16622" CreationDate="2018-07-17T21:10:21.083" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's probably a formal process he should go through to apply for an internship, tell him that you can't do anything but point him there.  This has the virtue of likely being true.  It's unfair for some people to bypass HR's hiring process just because they know an inside person, so your old tutor might not even be allowed to consider anyone just because you put in a word for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If asked, I you could tell them the facts behind your interactions with him...I'd be extremely reluctant to share second-hand gossip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T21:10:21.083" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16576" CreationDate="2018-07-17T21:33:50.667" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this same issue with a family member, who also happens to be a teacher. I wonder if it is habit acquired from being in an environment where you have to manage small children all day every day and speak with authority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The frustration we have as a family is that she doesn't asks but instead orders people to do things for her. It's very stressful to be constantly ordered around instead of asked and visiting for too long is an exhausting, painful experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will say things like: &quot;Go get this for me&quot; instead of &quot;Would you get this for me?&quot; and &quot;Help me with this&quot; instead of &quot;would you help me/can you/please/etc.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After years of coaxing, gentle reminders, and family conversations, it is evident that she is content and happy as she is and has no desire to change. She continues to reinforce her own behavior by reacting instinctively in a way that demands that the world around her must change and accept her as she is; even to the point of tears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is a good person and has a kind heart. Although embarrassed when brought to her attention, she is not remorseful of this behavior and has never made an effort to change. She has told us, and continues to tell us, without ever saying aloud, that she does not want to change. And I know that she never will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The takeaway from this is to have you will have to discover for yourself whether your wife has a real desire to change her behavior. Even if she says otherwise, her actions, her body language, and emotions will tell you the truth that even she might not accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19959" LastEditorUserId="19959" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T21:39:21.350" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T21:39:21.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16664" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16665" CreationDate="2018-07-17T21:44:22.990" Score="3" ViewCount="717" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've worked at my job for over a year and I barely speak to anyone. I'm very much a loner and don't prefer socializing or interacting with others, I keep to myself. My other coworkers know this and until recently I assumed they understood and were fine with this, but lately I've noticed behavior from a few that would suggest they are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day when I was coming into work (I work outside) everybody was gathered in a certain area and I was going towards the locker area to put my bag away. As I was walking someone yelled out &quot;HOW'S IT GOING!!!!&quot; at the top of his voice, bringing everybody's attention to me. Everybody knows I don't like any attention so he did this deliberately. He did this either to intimidate me or to see what I'd do. Naturally I was intensely nervous and with everybody looking at me listening to how I'd respond, all I could utter was a weak &quot;Hey&quot;. Everybody laughed and I moved on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was the second time that happened to me in a month (the other time was with a different person). Moreover, the person who yelled out at me isn't a workplace bully and hasn't been rude to me before. In fact later during the rest of the day they were being friendly with me and acting like it never happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the incident really embarrassed me and ruined the entire day for me. However, I don't want to go to management about this. I'd rather deal with it directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's the option of going up to the person directly and letting him know that I don't like being called out like that, but I think he's aware of that and it's the reason he did it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option would be the way I respond to being called out in that moment. This I have no clue how to do because my response would have to be calm and confident, which I don't know how to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do next time this happens? How do I ensure this doesn't happen again without getting on anyone's bad side?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19957" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T22:11:05.800" Title="How do I deal with coworkers messing with me because of my shyness?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16664" CreationDate="2018-07-17T22:09:03.883" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There's the option of going up to the person directly and letting him know that I don't like being called out like that, but I &lt;strong&gt;think&lt;/strong&gt; he's aware of that and it's the reason he did it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emphasis mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; know why he did it. You have an educated guess, but it doesn't make much sense to me. You say he's not a workplace bully. You say that afterwards, he was friendly. You say that generally speaking, he does not act like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's entirely possible the guy was just messing with you much like how one friend might lightly punch another in the shoulder. Nobody likes getting hit in the shoulder, but a light tap is a sign of affection between friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, nobody shy likes being put in intense spotlight, but a little call-to-attention might just be like a light punch on the shoulder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Talk to him&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, earlier you shouted &quot;How's it going!?&quot; and it put me in the spotlight. I'm &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; shy, and that made me pretty uncomfortable; it seemed a little out of character for you. What was that all about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This accomplishes a few goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It ensures that he understands you're not okay with what happened.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It opens a dialogue so that &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; communication can begin - not guesses at whether or not someone was being mean on purpose.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's not an attack. You're not saying &quot;YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG!!&quot; which would probably just make him defensive. It simply says &quot;this upset me - why'd you do it?&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very likely he'll respond with something like &quot;Oh man, I'm sorry! You didn't do anything wrong - I just thought it would be kinda funny, and everyone laughed at your response, so I thought it was okay.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even in a &lt;em&gt;worst-case scenario&lt;/em&gt;, if he says something like &quot;Ha, well I was just trying to piss you off, loser!&quot;, you KNOW what the reality of the situation was. It's nearly impossible to move forward until you've got a basis of facts to work from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12278" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T22:09:03.883" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16620" CreationDate="2018-07-17T22:14:42.997" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;While the notion to try to handle the situation without going to HR or management may be the overall goal, this like many others, are sensitive topics and could heavily backfire/be twisted against you if you try to handle this alone and do it wrong. Since you have already tried isolating yourself (headphones) and used various techniques to get them to stop, I propose escalating this to HR and/or management. That will do 2 things for you, start documentation of bad behavior at work, and they can at the very minimum supply you with ways on how you can avoid further conflict including possibly moving your desk to a new location. I have gone to HR in the past for various behavior that I did not like, and they were usually kind enough to provide me with conflict resolutions that did not call for a witch hunt on the offenders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, sexuality slurs and jokes are and have been heavily used to normalize and distance the &quot;sting&quot; just as minority groups have heavily used racial slurs in their everyday lingo and even in music. The difference is though, racial slurs became a cool thing to do among peers and in their culture while sexuality jokes are taken as being bigoted and homophobic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You won't be able to change their behavior but you can remove yourself from the conversations by ignoring them and simply not reacting. This is often seen as a common suggestion to change behavior towards you that you do not like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best solution is to go to your manager since you said he is not even aware of this behavior. Of course, that will also put a giant label on your back if he were to talk to them about it, or he may be aware of it and not think it's a big issue so it continues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You definitely need to make the company aware though. Should word leak that they tolerate such behavior, it could end up being a PR nightmare. They may even end up being sued should someone who is LGBTQ walk by and hear it. The result could net in an investigation (even if it isn't blown up in the public eye) and when questioned, they may ask why you turned a deaf ear to it. Many welcome videos provided on your first-day talk about workplace harassment which includes notifying the company of such behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you may not have done anything wrong, I have seen people fired for not notifying the company of behavior they knew about (should be noted this situation was mostly regarding theft of company products in a retail store).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, your boss and HR are there to make sure you have a safe environment to work in. You will find out real fast where the company stands on this behavior in regards to how they handle it. Of course, no one likes to get others in trouble or to be the &quot;snitch&quot;. However, you are there to do your job, and if you cannot do so, then that issue needs to be addressed or you need to find an environment where the behavior is not tolerated and you can work to your fullest potential.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So with all that being said, I want to reiterate that trying to handle something like this could heavily backfire alone. No one wants to be a snitch, but some situations require notification of management. This I feel would be one that should not be handled by yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="2408" LastEditDate="2018-07-17T22:32:36.683" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T22:32:36.683" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16620" CreationDate="2018-07-17T22:25:42.397" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Had this question been about the behaviour of one lone individual, then I don’t think I would be able to offer any better advice than other answers posted here have already given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, because there are multiple individuals involved in this scenario, there may be some strange group dynamics at play that change the calculation somewhat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When have you ever encountered a group of people who all feel the same way about a topic before?  Why would this be any different?  I’ll wager that some of your colleagues share your unease, but “play along” with the machismo in order to fit in.  I have certainly been in that situation myself in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps it’s worth observing each person a little closer to determine whether they are an initiator or a follower and then raise the subject with one “follower” at a time in a one-on-one setting, eg over lunch:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I’ve never been in a workplace where there’s so much joking about other people’s sexuality.  To be completely honest, it actually makes me feel a bit awkward, because I don’t think it’s entirely appropriate for a work environment and it could inadvertently be causing others considerable offence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if they don’t discuss it with you any further, their mere awareness of others’ concern could make them feel awkward if/when similar jokes are raised in the future.  Hopefully their (collective) unease/withdrawal from the situation will cause the instigator(s) to become isolated and self-moderate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7755" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T22:25:42.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16358" CreationDate="2018-07-17T23:26:30.783" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally speaking, I can empathize with your sister, as I used to be fairly overweight and out of shape with parents who forced me to exercise constantly. This caused me to hate physical activity which caused further health deterioration. Fortunately, I learned on my own how to exercise and eat healthily to the point where I actually now enjoy both. &lt;strong&gt;But it was ultimately my choice to do so&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will refrain discussing the relationship with you/your sister vs. your father, but I will offer advice on how you can intervene and introduce her to a healthier lifestyle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Offer to do activities together&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be hikes, walks outside, cooking healthy meals together, etc. This allows an activity that you both can bond over while still being active and healthy. Hopefully, she will soon subconsciously associate exercise and activity not as a chore or a burden, but spending time with her brother. While it's important that you always offer, if she says no, &lt;strong&gt;never press&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Support her decisions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As many have stated, you can't force her to do anything. In order for healthy habits to form, it has to be her choice to want to be healthy. Your job as a brother is to support her with how she's feeling. Be a constant positive feedback loop to her. Regardless of whether she's active or resting, it's really important that she feels that she can come to you for support. Don't focus on the number of pounds she loses, focus on helping her lead a healthier lifestyle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-07-17T23:26:30.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16673" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-18T00:39:11.937" Score="0" ViewCount="456" Body="&lt;p&gt;On a date, I'd like to give a woman flowers as a little present. What's the best thing for her to do with them? I mean, if I imagine to be a woman getting flowers, I'd feel real bad throwing them away but if I don't, carrying them around will also annoy me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the proper protocol for giving a date flowers to avoid these problems?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19969" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T14:08:22.250" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T14:08:22.250" Title="On a date, if I give a woman flowers, what does she do with them?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-07-18T05:45:56.990" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16673" CreationDate="2018-07-18T01:17:01.220" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;When giving somebody a gift, consider the logistics the other person will face in handling it.  This is true whether you're giving a kid a puppy (are you sure it will be cared for?), a spouse a surprise vacation (can we just pick up and go now?), or, in your case, a date some fresh flowers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fresh flowers need to be put in a vase or similar container with water.  Other kinds of flowers (dried arrangement, potted plant, whatever) still need to be put somewhere so that neither of you is carrying them around as you go out to dinner and a movie.  To satisfy these constraints, you give the flowers to your date at her house when you arrive, and you wait for her to put them in a vase.  (If you have any reason to believe she might not have a suitable receptacle, you should consider other options.)  This means you need to go to her house, not meet her somewhere else and not sit out in your car and honk your horn to let her know you're ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can't tell you what gift might be appropriate, especially since you haven't said where you are.  I'm answering based on both past experience with receiving flowers (in the US) and a broader gift protocol that says a gift should not impose difficulties on someone you're hoping to please.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T01:17:01.220" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16675" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16586" CreationDate="2018-07-18T01:29:59.177" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A simple, direct way of asking when someone proposes meeting up like this is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you mean like a date?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like it fits best on the first ask, but you can adapt it for the next time he brings it up (which it sounds like he will), with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wait, you don't mean this like a date do you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An approach like this will not dig up hidden intentions, but it does let you establish the expectation and prompt him to affirm that it's not a date, so that if he later tries to make it into one, you can remind him that &lt;em&gt;he said it's not&lt;/em&gt;. And unlike some other approaches, it doesn't veer into the realm of awkwardness, your own relationship status and orientation, or explicitly saying anything about sex. These should be perfectly fine things to talk about, but some creeps think that any willingness to mention these things means you're &quot;loose&quot; or want to have a relationship with them and are &quot;testing the waters&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3142" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T01:29:59.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16677" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16607" CreationDate="2018-07-18T01:49:01.000" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should tell about this situation to his mother, and then, when he'll ask you again, reply with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You should ask your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, his mother will tell him &quot;no&quot;, giving him a reasonable explanation if she consider it necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's correct that it's his mother to be the one that educates him and denies this request, she can take this as an opportunity to teach him how to behave with other people and what is a reasonable question or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1816" LastEditorUserId="1816" LastEditDate="2018-07-28T07:51:21.760" LastActivityDate="2018-07-28T07:51:21.760" CommentCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16679" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-18T02:15:12.217" Score="4" ViewCount="1454" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a platonic crush on a person I first met through a group interview for voluntary work at an organisation. In the interview, I found out their name and after knowing a little more about them through their answers to the panel's questions, I found them a very interesting character and developed a platonic crush on them. However, I did not have time approach them after the interview due to some administrative work I had to do while they could leave the interview venue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has been a little over 3 months now since the interview and both of us are accepted to do volunteer work at the organisation (I know about this as I have seen them in volunteer bonding day which happened 2 months ago, but they were always in a different group as me and circumstances didn't really allow me to interact with them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found their Instagram account just with a brief search of their name about a few days after the interview, but I did not request to follow them or direct message them to introduce myself, mainly because I felt like I would be labelled in their mind as a stalker and also directly telling them I had a platonic crush on them would be too awkward without a face-to-face interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I approach them (be it physically or online) and convey to them that they are my platonic crush and whether we can get to know each other better?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Side notes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have no clue if they remember me from the interview.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We volunteer at the organisation once a week, and there is just a slim chance that I am able to spot them at the volunteering venue (the venue is rather huge and crowded).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My only way of interaction with them outside of the volunteering venue is through their Instagram account.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The use of the singular 'they' in this question suggests that gender does not play a part in any possible interactions I may have with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A platonic crush is a desire to get to know the other party more and want a close relationship with them, but without a romantic or sexual attraction towards them. Basically something like a &quot;good-friend crush&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16292" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-13T15:42:57.977" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T15:42:57.977" Title="How to Approach Platonic Crush?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;volunteering&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16684" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-18T05:38:32.560" Score="3" ViewCount="3805" Body="&lt;p&gt;My and my gf have been together for about 3 months now and everything has been pretty good. But recently we have spent some time apart since she is at home (we live at college and she's home for the summer) and we've been running into some problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It normally happens when I try to ask her about things that I do which bother her. For example, one of the things that I had a problem with was that during the school year I felt like I was the person in the relationship who always planned everything. Whether it be simply to get lunch, or to hang out that night, or plan for a trip, I would always be the one to ask to spend time with her. Not that she doesn't like spending time with me, I just felt that our relationship was a bit one-sided where I was the one always asking to be in her company and she would agree. I didn't mind doing the planning, I just feared sometimes I was being too intrusive and wasn't giving her enough space, and she was too scared to ask me to give her some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem occurred when I tried hinting at this issue I saw and explained to her how I was feeling about always being the one to ask. She said she didn't mind spending all that time with me, but her body language said otherwise and I could sense she wasn't telling me all her thoughts. But I let it go and moved the conversation to something different, to avoid the uncomfortable situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After two weeks I had a long conversation with her about the usual stuff, but I attempted to try to ask her again why she didn't like sharing all her thoughts with me. And I had asked this unsuccessfully before a couple of times but she always answers with &quot;I don't know&quot; or &quot;I don't know what you want me to say&quot; (as if I am expecting an answer that I want her to say to make me feel happy), but it still seems she is trying to avoid the problem and not tell me what she really thinks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And just this week I tried asking her again, and she finally opened up a bit more since she could tell I was frustrated. I was partly frustrated because I thought she didn't want to tell me her feelings, but also that I couldn't find the right way to phrase my questions so that she would feel more comfortable answering them. But during this argument, she did tell me something different and said that she didn't like when we argued in this manner because she thinks she'll lose me. For context: she's been in other relationships before me and has told me that she always ends up getting hurt, and when she met me she felt so happy since I seemed so much different and that I truly cared for her. So I feel that because of that she is afraid that I will leave her or something, which I won't, simply because we are having a bit of trouble communicating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to make this brief. Basically, I come here for advice on how to phrase my questions better or be able to understand my girlfriend's point of view more clearly. And why she gets upset/closes off to me when I try to find out more about her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19978" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T12:01:19.570" LastActivityDate="2021-03-23T13:27:39.900" Title="How to deal with my girlfriend closing up when we have a problem?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16685" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16679" CreationDate="2018-07-18T06:06:57.407" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the last time you saw this person was two months ago, be prepared for the scenario that this person may not remember you. The online approach may also appear out-of-the-blue to them, so outreach on Instagram may come across as &quot;stalker&quot; behavior (which you're well aware of). I would wait until you see them in person, as &quot;jumping the gun&quot; may tarnish the friendship before it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding establishing a close friendship with them: &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Treat them like you would any other person you want to befriend&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Invite them to hangout with you and your friend group in social situations that don't imply romance (i.e. casual lunch, social gatherings with groups, etc.). Also you can drop hints to them about said platonic crush such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I love making new &lt;em&gt;friends&lt;/em&gt;!&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Hey everyone, this is my new friend _____ !&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very few people are immediately best friends with those they just met, so allow space for the platonic relationship to grow between you two. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails, and you feel the point isn't getting made that you want to remain platonic, you can be straight forward with this person and tell them how you feel (e.g. &quot;Hey I wasn't sure if I made this clear but I intend this friendship to be only platonic&quot;). Granted, this may feel confrontational/presumptuous, but at least you are being explicit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T06:06:57.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16684" CreationDate="2018-07-18T07:18:40.850" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Any answer you receive here should be taken with caution as nobody on this website actually knows the person involved and we are largely speculating and giving a second opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think if she actually needs more space or she isn't happy in the relationship there is little you'd find here that would actually help and you will soon find out about it anyway, so I will explore a different option that might explain this behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me it looks like your girlfriend is trying to avoid a confrontation. There might be a lot of reasons for that. She might have experienced/witnessed a lot of confrontations in the past and it might be an issue for her. She might be afraid that a possible confrontation will push you away and will compromise your relationship which would explain letting you plan everything as she wants to keep you happy, and to her, doing whatever you want to do all the time is her chance to do that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will say again, there might be million other things too and you really need to address it with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The hard part is how to actually do that because in general people that try to avoid a confrontation wouldn't be open to talk about the issue (as you have experienced). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to reassure her as much as you can. A 3 month relationship is a fickle thing. Show her that you can have fun and enjoy doing activities she likes too. Reassure her in your commitment, show her that you are not going to run away with the first encountered issue and you are willing to build on the relationship. This might give her more confidence to actually open up and address what is bothering her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to how to address the questions - make it about her. Saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I feel like I am the only one planning everything in our relationship&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;sounds like an accusation. If you phrase it like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey last weekend we did this and this that I liked, lets do something that you like this weekend, what would you suggest?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;sounds much better and accomplishes the same goal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am right in my speculation about the situation, getting frustrated with her would just reaffirm her position that she is losing you and she will close up even more. If you show her that you actually care and you are afraid of the same thing, she should open up more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's my 2 cents, use it with caution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T09:00:02.307" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T09:00:02.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16689" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16684" CreationDate="2018-07-18T08:35:58.167" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Very much like @Ilia L says, its hard to give specific advice. Every couple has to find out what works for them - and we all don´t know your girlfriend as well as you do. I will tell you what worked for me, maybe you can apply some of that in your situation. As always, use at your own Risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I´m one who cant live very well with uncertainty in a relationship - like you, seemingly. I am also of the opinion a relationship can only be successful if one is able to discuss problems freely and openly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What worked for me, with my wife, was to establish these values early on - at around the 3 month mark. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So these are my points/boundaries:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don´t like to play any &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-Games-in-a-Relationship&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;games&lt;/a&gt;. I think they have no place in a grown-up relationship and I will not tolerate them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don´t think any relationship can survive long term without an effective means for conflict solution.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don´t think two people can reach a good compromise if one of them is not honest about his/her wishes. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I argue, its about the matter, not the person. I can still love the person. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you have something that bothers you, don´t keep me guessing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Trust is the basis of the relationship. Truth can hurt, but pain goes away. Mistrust is permanent, so please tell me everything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most importantly: I am not your ex-boyfriend. While I´m sympathetic to your bad experience, I will not suffer for his sins!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe there´s something in there for you? I think it is important to discuss and establish these values at some point. You´ll see if you have a fundamental mismatch in your value set, or if you can settle on some common ground. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also think it is important for her to understand, that in the long run, she will not loose you over an argument you have, but rather over one you don´t have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, reflect upon your own discussion culture: Do you stay calm, objective and on-topic? Do you give her enough space for replies? - some people take a little bit longer to formulate their thoughts than others. Do you want to win the argument, or do you just present the problem and search for a solution together? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being a good speaker can have its drawbacks in these situations - you win the battle but loose the war, so to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T07:12:34.030" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T07:12:34.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16690" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-18T08:38:51.587" Score="7" ViewCount="986" Body="&lt;p&gt;Currently, I am living in Germany, and I have an old friend (he was my neighbor also in country of origin) who moved here a few months ago, and by luck, he is living now not far from my home.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Generally, I like to help people, especially who I know (family or friends), just this friend broke contact between us for no reason, and now as he needs help, he is trying to contact me.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As I said it is a pleasure for me to help, but as this friend refused in his first months to contact me (he said no need for that), so I don't want really to give him any kind of help now.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;How to tell him politely that I'm a human as anyone else, and he can't come to me only when he needs help?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Remarks:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are both from Tunisia&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We were good friends in the past, but after he stopped all kind of contact for no reason.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am someone who like to help others, but in this situation I feel it is rude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Update:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday he tried to contact me, first via Facebook by sending messages there, and after he got my number from someone we know, started calling me more than 100 times.  This is making me nervous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13563" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T13:10:32.420" LastActivityDate="2019-06-10T12:12:57.733" Title="How to reject a friend who comes only when he needs help without being rude" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;tunisia&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16690" CreationDate="2018-07-18T08:43:56.997" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't help you always, otherwise you won't learn to help yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something above those lines with obviously more details by your part would clarify that there's something wrong with the modus operandi of your friend, and it just feels tiring for you for 2 reasons, you always have to be thinking how to solve his problems when you have your own as well and  second, helping always someone will make him dependent on you, obviously you don't want that since is a toxic situation for both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6215" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T08:43:56.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16694" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16690" CreationDate="2018-07-18T09:48:31.920" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, we've been friends in the past, yet not hearing from you when you moved here left me with the impression that you did not consider our friendship something to hold on to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would gladly help a friend but since you only reach out on me when you're in need I feel taken advantage of. I wonder if you think of me as a friend or just a free helping hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this issue you'd need to find help somewhere else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving him the opportunity to explain himself or at least showing him how you evaluate the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience it is quite difficult to change people. Even getting them changing themselves takes lots of effort and time. If the previous friendship has shifted to be lopsided and you consider breaking all contact, you can add something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please refrain from further contacting me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This comes of harsh but also leaves your friend no room to wiggle. If he still tries to reach out on you you can block his number / E-mail after getting the message across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your common friends ask you why you'd take these measures you can explain the issue as you did here. Your reasoning made sense and they surely will understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit in response to:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;just the last sentence you'd need to find help somewhere else isn't it offensive or too rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you break up with someone, being bold is often the preferred option since the other person might try finding ways to convince you otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend could try and meet up to become friends again. But if his character doesn't change you will find yourself in the same spot (getting taken advantage of) again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you need to evaluate if you want to put in the effort to change your past friend or just move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13628" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T11:23:02.990" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16617" CreationDate="2018-07-18T14:28:33.260" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that is often overlooked is that depending on the store the person who sells you an item may get a bonus for that. That is why in some shops the sellers won't leave you alone, because they want to get that bonus or in some cases even have to fulfil a quota. I found that sometimes it helps to address that problem directly: &quot;I just want to look, thank you - &lt;strong&gt;But if I find something, I will come to you, what's your name?&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; Sometimes I get even more direct: &quot;Thanks, I don't need help. &lt;strong&gt;But you can tell me your name, I will come find you so you can sign my tags.&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be nice to that seller, you can actually bring your items to them when you're done. They will put their initials on the price tags. Then when you go pay, that seller will get their bonus for having sold you those items.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20000" LastEditorUserId="20000" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T14:45:13.027" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T14:45:13.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16615" CreationDate="2018-07-18T14:39:34.347" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can sidestep the question and just ask &quot;When did you bake that bread there?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That question does only remotely touch the subject of &quot;freshness&quot;, which is a very important quality in a bread. With a factual &quot;When?&quot;, you can avoid insulting the baker by even thinking of asking the question whether the bread is fresh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20000" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T14:39:34.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16700" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16702" CreationDate="2018-07-18T15:13:51.037" Score="-1" ViewCount="384" Body="&lt;p&gt;Occasionally I walk past this cell phone store and sometimes when the store is empty there's an employee (or the owner) standing outside accosting passers by. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He'll make eye contact with people from several meters away as they approach and say &quot;hey can I ask you question?&quot; so they stop and he starts asking them how much they're paying for their service plans and all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, when it's busy on the sidewalk I just smile and mumble hello and keep going but once when it was just me on the sidewalk I couldn't avoid him so I kept walking and smiled awkwardly and he sarcastically said &quot;have a nice day!&quot; as I walked away and I felt like a heel. It's gotten to the point where I take a detour to avoid walking past that store now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This actually happens with homeless persons too, &quot;hello sir can I ask you a question?&quot;, which forces you to either be rude and ignore the person, making your next encounter more awkward, or actually stopping and being put on the spot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I walk past this place without having to stop to give this guy courtesy responses?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19030" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2019-01-29T10:07:06.580" LastActivityDate="2019-01-29T10:07:06.580" Title="How to handle being accosted by shop staff when walking past store?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;shopping&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-07-18T15:48:39.243" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16636" CreationDate="2018-07-18T15:18:37.417" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no general-case way to answer this question because your friend's aversion could be caused by any number of things, alone or together. Specific advice might be different if he's merely shy compared with, say, having some sort of social neurosis. Additionally, we can't really gauge how receptive he'll be to any sort of help from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that it will be important to talk to your friend, openly and honestly, about what he wants, why he's averse, and whether or not he's interested in overcoming obstacles to getting what he wants. He may not be, and you can't make him. And even if he is, it might feel too intense to him to approach strangers with a wingman right away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I was very shy when younger (not just with women), and here are some ideas that helped me, as well as some conclusions that I reached in retrospect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Sometimes things won't go well. But sometimes they will.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a hard one to internalize, but it's true. No matter who the people involved are, or the exact situation, sometimes people will be uninterested, unreceptive, or even outright hostile. Sometimes conversations will sputter to a halt. Sometimes things will be awkward. These undesirable situations (and many more!) &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; happen, sometimes. Conversely, sometimes things will go really well! But it's important to be ready for things not to work out so that you won't dwell on shock or surprise, or associate making an effort with failure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Recognize that stakes are low.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going to a place that's not one of your regular hangouts and talking to a someone that you'll likely never see again means that there is nothing much at stake. Even a terrible interaction won't really have any impact outside of his memory, and so with (1) above in mind even if things go poorly on a given attempt he really isn't worse off. So there's not much reason to avoid interaction as you're not better off for having done so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. &quot;Failure&quot; isn't the only reason things might not work out.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes conversations fall flat because two people have few (or no) common interests, and so they have nothing to talk &lt;em&gt;about&lt;/em&gt;. Sometimes people have very different styles of communication, which causes conversations between them to lean towards being awkward or disjointed. There are lots of reasons things might not work out the way your friend might hope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This &lt;strong&gt;does not&lt;/strong&gt; necessarily mean that he did a bad job at interacting with them, or that he failed in any meaningful way. Sometimes people just don't get along smoothly, and if that turns out to be the case it's unlikely that more of a relationship would be all that enjoyable for either person. It happens, and it's better to find someone whose company he might enjoy more instead of trying to force an interaction to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. You're not moving towards a goal, you are building a relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one was huge for me. Approaching a woman with the specific goal of getting a date made me feel a huge amount of pressure, in every element of an interaction, all the time. It also changes the impression that I make. It's odd to try to leap from being strangers to going on a date, and while some people can do that successfully I wouldn't bet on your friend being one of them. If my perspective is that I am &lt;em&gt;getting to know someone&lt;/em&gt; I feel much more relaxed, conversations are much more pleasant and fun, and I'm &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; much more likely to determine if I would even want a romantic date with a person. And, if I do end up wanting that, it seems much more likely to happen when that has not been my goal from even before the conversation started.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5. This is something that you &lt;em&gt;learn to do&lt;/em&gt;, not something that you start out great at.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously some people have natural talent for socializing, flirting, etc. That does not describe me, and it sounds like it does not describe your friend, either. So it's important to note that if you are not as good as you would like in this area your only real option to improve is to develop better skills through &lt;em&gt;practice&lt;/em&gt;. That means awkward starts, mistakes, and problems. But it also means fewer of those as time goes on, and more success instead. Whether or not a given interaction goes the way your friend wants, it's important to bear in mind that &lt;em&gt;next time can be better&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;6. You have to learn to walk before you can run.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this situation, as a whole, is really intimidating it will be helpful to break things down a bit. Maybe a lot. So instead of having a mindset of &quot;I'm getting a date &lt;em&gt;tonight&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, it might be more appropriate to have a goal like &quot;I'm going to have a conversation with a stranger for five minutes tonight&quot;. If that's still too big, maybe even &quot;I'm going to casually smile and say hello to someone&quot;. With practice, these smaller steps can feel more natural and comfortable, providing a foundation for the next goal. My more socially-confident friends had a hard time understanding why I couldn't just follow their leads when they were my &quot;wingmen&quot;, but I was nervous about every single part of interactions in a lot of situations. I had to practice them individually until I had enough confidence and experience to casually string them together in a &quot;normal&quot; interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without a lot of natural talent, more skill comes from practice and effort. If he's so averse to interacting with people that practicing is difficult then a different mindset is likely appropriate. With the right mindset it still takes effort, time, and the will to endure and overcome mistakes to improve. But improvement is absolutely possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that he does want to improve, as his friend your best move is probably to help him develop and internalize a &lt;em&gt;better&lt;/em&gt; mindset, and then practice until his relevant social skills develop to the level he wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T15:18:37.417" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16700" CreationDate="2018-07-18T15:32:42.290" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have to commute through a busy city (in the UK) which is usually populated with a few of these kinds of people. Some will inevitably give a sarcastic &lt;em&gt;&quot;have a nice day!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; because they feel you were being rude, even though it was &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; who were intruding on your own doings. Some people will impulsively respond like this if they are ignored, it's not something to take personally. One thing to remember is that these people will target hundreds of pedestrians per day. Most of the time, they will see you and forget about you in a few minutes, even if you regularly cross their path. There are a few approaches you can adopt that might help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In the case of sales people, a simple expression of appreciation and rejection usually leaves them not feeling dispirited. I usually just say &lt;em&gt;&quot;Thanks, but no thanks&quot;&lt;/em&gt; in a friendly tone or just &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'm alright thanks&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. If you are certain the people will remember you, this approach will at least leave the lasting impression that you don't need their services, but it also won't give the impression that you hate them! It will also make them less likely to ask you in time if they do remember you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you want a non-verbal response, I've found just a smile and a quick holding up of my hand suffices. It shows you haven't ignored them (and even with the homeless, less likely to warrant an angry response) and is not aggressive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This one might sound harsh, but one approach is to make yourself look unapproachable. Avoid eye contact and avoid any positive facial expression. Quicken your pace or increase your stride. Make it obvious to the other person that you are on a mission and don't have time for chit-chat. This spares them the indignity of being shot down or ignored by you because they will be more reluctant to ask you something in the first place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For the social engineering technique (if it can be called that) of deliberately standing in front of you, I have feigned ignorance, pardoned myself and walked around them. Whatever you try, keep yourself moving and don't let them bring you to a halt. Hope these help!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T16:06:05.423" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T16:06:05.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3361" CreationDate="2018-07-18T16:27:08.500" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What must be realised is that whatever you think you can do - you cannot change the way that people are, because it is up to them to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you can change your own way of looking at this, and the simplest way would be to let this go. Stop it from mattering to you. Live in the moments of irritation and understand them - then try and conquer them by having no mind about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you value this person this is a very important step to take. Just wanting other people to be as you want them to be is a lost hope - but getting over your perceived story inside your own head is far more important to you, because you will be free, and can then move on. So my advice is to work on getting over this problem - in your own mind. And set yourself free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T16:27:08.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16622" CreationDate="2018-07-18T17:38:25.660" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In cases like that, I would try to tell the truth:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Jonh/e Doe, I would definitely do it but we never worked together so I am not comfortable giving recommendation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is true, AFAIK, because you only know about student's ethics from others:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&lt;code&gt;The problem is: I know this student for being unreliable. He was part of different student&#xA;societies this year and **a lot of people complained** about his inability to do what he&#xA;was asked, to attend meetings and to be available to organize events.&#xA;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still want to be helpful though, you should contact your mentor asking if you can share their contact info with others:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Tutor, I told my classmates about my great internship and they want to apply too. Can I give them your info or should they follow some company process?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice that's different from &quot;Hi Tutor, I got this great friend who I know is awesome, can you give him a chance too?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T17:38:25.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16705" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-18T17:54:40.713" Score="14" ViewCount="2167" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 24 year old boy. My aunt was visiting our home. Her son is an eight year old. He is a most uncontrollable, hyperactive boy. For example, he will switch on the television, watch it from about half a metre away from it, at full volume. He is always pestering me to play with me, which I oblige mostly. But when I have my own work, it is impossible if this kid is nearby. I was trying to study in some other room. The adults were in another room talking but he would follow me around everywhere and wouldn't leave me alone for a second. Basically, I cannot touch my phone to even chat cause he is addicted to games and would forcefully take my phone. When it would not open, he would tap it hard. Even if your phone does not have games, don't worry, because this kid will download some games too. He is a bother but mostly I can handle him, when I am at leisure. Thankfully, I don't have to deal with often, as he lives a bit far off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today was different though. I had to study and I was under quite a bit of stress. Also, I was under stress due to some other factors too. I tried balancing both (studying and my cousin's attention), would interact with him some and then tell him I have to study now. Sometimes he would oblige, sometimes he would bang things for my attention, or close all windows or whatever. So, I finally gave up. It was almost time for my aunt to leave, so I opened my e-book reader to read. Now, my cousin comes up and forcefully taps on it for my attention. This was probably the first time he had seen an ebook reader, and he wants me to play with him. I said no, so he continues tapping on it. This time I snapped. I slapped him. He tried to keep a brave face and was smiling still, but he was obviously hurt and his eyes were moist by the time he left. I was shocked too. i tried to ask him if he was hurt. It wasn't a hard smack but I had lost control. I tried playing with him but the awkwardness was there. Soon, aunt called for him to leave. Nobody knew about it and he didn't tell anyone either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't get the opportunity to apologise properly, and I regret the incident. Whatever be the situation it was my failing and I will never let something like that happen again. In retrospect, I should have just kept the ebook reader inside when he started &quot;tapping&quot; on it. [By the way, not a justification but he damaged my old tablet in the past also one of the reasons why I snapped.] &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel I lack tact when dealing with such situations, like I am very straight laced and not good at coming up with lies, even white ones. Is there any way to make him understand that he should respect other people's feelings too and that there are boundaries. At this age, is it not normal for kids to have grasped these things? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's the generally accepted social protocol of dealing with recalcitrant kids of this age, especially when they are not yours and their parents are loving the fact that the kid is bothering someone else and not them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20006" LastEditorUserId="20006" LastEditDate="2020-05-12T10:00:50.843" LastActivityDate="2020-05-12T10:00:50.843" Title="I slapped my 8 year old cousin. What was a better way to handle the situation?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16705" CreationDate="2018-07-18T18:49:43.830" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: I have a 9 year old brother that is not spoiled, but has had a difficult background (foster care). His behavior has improved over the years, thanks to my mom's and family's unending patience and support. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There are a few options to what you can do to prevent another situation like this:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Express to the adults that you wish to study and not be disturbed.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The parents and aunt should respect your wishes, and if they tell you they need to have someone look after them, firmly tell them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not available, because I have to study. When I have finished/am satisfied, I can come and play. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still do not listen to that, the second option here should work either way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Go to another room inaccessible by your cousin.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could lock yourself in your bedroom, after expressing to your parents and aunt that you would rather spend time studying then when you are done, you can play with your cousin. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In regards to how you both behave after this situation:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time they come, I think it is best to be up front and honest about what happened and explain why in a clear, confident, and short statement:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, (Aunt) and (cousin)! Last time we were playing, I was stressed out and pushed (cousin) in a rude manner, I apologize for that (maybe shake hands with cousin here). The reason I snapped like that is that I was trying to get my studying done and still pay attention to him at the same time, which in hindsight may not have been the best choice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;After that, establish your boundary with your cousin in front of your parents and aunt:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I decided I will study either before or after playing with him, and he will have to be patient with me while I go study in X room. If he comes and wants to play, and I am not finished yet, I will lock the door. If he continues to try and draw my attention, I will come and tell (aunt) and parents. (add emphasis) I really don't want to get you (look at cousin) in trouble... I will play with you as soon as I am done.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you express your desires clearly, concisely, and confidently, your parents and aunt will respect that, they will let you go study and let the kid fend for himself until you have satisfied your studies. Because you also presented it in a &quot;If this, then that&quot; argument &quot;If you don't bother me, I will come play &lt;em&gt;potentially&lt;/em&gt; sooner and in a better mood&quot; to the cousin, he will understand clearly (hopefully) and behave accordingly. If not, then that will be on your aunt, not you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: My mother has told me that kids under age 9-10 have a hard time realizing time span, and how long they have to wait for something. That doesn't help with teaching them patience, but this is a good time to start reminding him (cousin) that the world doesn't revolve around him , in a firm and gentle way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scholastic.com/parents/family-life/creativity-and-critical-thinking/development-milestones/cognitive-development-8-10-year-olds.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Development Milestones&lt;/a&gt; (Emphasis mine)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Decentration is another hallmark of this stage. Thus, your child can now more successfully take another’s point of view and can consider more than one dimension simultaneously, as long as the &lt;strong&gt;considerations remain concrete&lt;/strong&gt;. He can more effectively communicate about objects that the listener cannot see, and can think about how others perceive him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-07-18T19:19:31.297" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T19:19:31.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16705" CreationDate="2018-07-18T18:58:22.773" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The key to dealing with people who are difficult - and someone who forcefully takes things and breaks them if they don't work as expected is definitely difficult - is setting boundaries. It sounds like this kid doesn't respect boundaries, and that the parents either don't respect them or don't understand the extent of how much their child is a pest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will probably need your parents help if you are going to be home when this family visits and you have any hope of setting boundaries. I recommend enlisting your parents' help in establishing boundaries that will make the situation more manageable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you can do with him is trying to have things for him to do that help him control his tendencies: activities he likes to do, being outside, things he can do by himself when you need to do something else, etc. One thing to remember with children is that they have a lot of energy and when it is left unfocused it can exacerbate bad habits. If you think it's likely to work, it'd be good for you to involve his parents in planning these activities (perhaps with the help of your parents).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, hitting people isn't good behavior, and taking the time to apologize sincerely will probably help your future relationship with both your cousin and his parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, if your family is unresponsive or unhelpful, you can try not being there when he comes over. (Perhaps take your portable electronics with you.) You could tell your parents that you really need to study, that you just need to get out of the house, or that you can only stand 1 hour of giving him constant attention and need to be gone for the other parts of the visit. At the very least this will reduce the total stress of the visit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T18:58:22.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16709" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16718" CreationDate="2018-07-18T21:06:45.660" Score="5" ViewCount="1455" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll try to make this as short and clear as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've known this person for about 8 years but I wasn't as mature and perceptive when I first met him as I am now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We used to talk, play video games and hang out a lot, I stopped talking to him around 2 years ago because he was really mean to me and said something hurtful. During the next year every time he talked to me I just responded in a polite way but didn't make much conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't remember exactly how this happened but I explained to him why I had stopped talking to him and we had some serious conversation where he said that he was sorry and that he had been visiting a psychologist because he sometimes does and says things that hurt people without noticing (that's what he said.) I explained to him that we were not friends anymore, at least not as much as we used to and that if he wanted us to be friends again he had to show me that he was actually different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we talk from time to time, we've played video games together again and that sort of stuff. The thing is, I've noticed plenty of his old behaviors and I don't think he's changed at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to give him sort of an ultimatum where I point at his bad habits and make him notice that if he doesn't change he is not going to ruin only our friendship but probably the ones he still has.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Plan B&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't change I want to cut off any relationship with him completely. I know this is going to hurt him because many others friends have left him before me and I'm one of the remaining few he still has, so I want to make him the easiest way for both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Things that make me tag him as toxic and I'd like him to notice:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;8 of 10 times he talks to me he wants something from me. And if I don't give him what he wants he gets mad and says things like &quot;you really gonna let me down?&quot; or &quot;all right you ass&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He believes he is always right, it's imposible to change his mind, he won't accept other opinions as valid, he will call you and your opinion stupid and won't shut up until you &quot;accept&quot; he is right.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I noticed I had never heard anything good about him from anyone, not even once. Not from professors, not from friends, not from my family members that have met him. And whenever I hear someone talk about him they refer to him as annoying and don't want him around.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He makes fun of others and makes less of them, their opinions (as I said), achievements, jobs, anything. Also he gets mad if someone makes a joke about him. One time he got really mad because someone called him humble in a sarcastic way and everyone laughed. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to bring him along with other friends because I'm scared they will blame me for bringing him if he does/says something bad and I won't be able to be in anyone's side.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any advice will be highly appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;As I expected I received answers saying that changing his behavior is not on me, that is true and I know it. Please notice that I'm not asking how to change him but how to make him realize he is toxic and that toxicity will not do him any good and he has to change for his own sake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2737" LastEditorUserId="2737" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T17:17:14.847" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T17:17:14.847" Title="How to make my friend realize he is a toxic person and he really has to change?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;&lt;toxic-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16709" CreationDate="2018-07-18T22:22:22.837" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's really difficult to get people to change their behavior, especially if there's been a long pattern of toxicity. You have more control on your reaction to this behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that stuck out to me was :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He believes he is always right, it's impossible to change his mind, he won't accept other opinions as valid, he will call you and your opinion stupid and won't shut up until you &quot;accept&quot; he is right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned how you wanted to provide him details on his behavior and provide him an ultimatum, and to show him that his actions are causing strain on the friendship. But according to your description, this may be a fruitless effort. If he is causing an emotional toll on you and your friendship, it may be beneficial to you to place the friendship on temporary/permanent hiatus. Ideally, this will &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; get the point across that his behavior is unacceptable, but given your friendship's previous break, his inability/possible unwillingness to change may prevent this friendship from continuing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-07-18T22:22:22.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16714" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1536" CreationDate="2018-07-19T03:52:06.680" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Give introduce yourself with your preferred pronouns and then ask them name and preferred pronouns whenever possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Hi, I'm RK, my pronouns are she, her, hers. What's your name and pronouns?&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do this, you say, &quot;I'm aware that there is more than one gender, yours may not be what I expect, but this is not me assuming you are anything at all.&quot; By self-identifying, you make it clear that asking for other people's pronouns is about respect and courtesy, not curiosity and that you are in this with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When in doubt - use they, them, their.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what any transphobic literary critic may tell you, they, them, and their is a grammatically correct singular and has been used for well over 500 years. If you do not know a person's preferred pronouns, use a variation on &quot;they&quot; until you are corrected. If you are never corrected? It's entirely possible that person's pronouns are variations on &quot;they&quot; and you are using the right pronouns with a minority gender person who is relieved that they never had to explain themselves to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19723" LastEditorUserId="19723" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T03:57:48.307" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T03:57:48.307" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16684" CreationDate="2018-07-19T05:30:47.607" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I waited to give an answer before receiving specific questions you've asked her, so I appreciate the details. Regarding your examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Do you not feel comfortable telling me when you are mad?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Why is it that you won't tell me or show me that you're angry/annoyed with something I do until it truly upsets you and then we start arguing?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Why don't you like sharing your feelings with me?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I noticed with these examples is that you're making yourself the focus of the question. Sure, you may want to know why she's upset with you, but framing it as you being the victim can lead to her feeling a couple emotions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She feels like you're not listening&lt;/strong&gt;: Clearly you care about her and want to make the situation right. However, this can come across as you only wanting her to no longer be mad, rather than the listening and understanding what she's actually feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She feels like you're purposefully trying to get her to frame you&lt;/strong&gt;: She may just have a tendency not to express emotions in general. It's tough being vulnerable to people, even those with whom you have mutual love/care/respect. Placing you as the focus can make it seem like you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; her to blame you for the issues, thus further shifting the focus onto you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Frankly, I understand why she is confused about how she should respond to these questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a personal note, my previous girlfriend had a reluctance with communication; I'd notice she was upset, asked &amp;quot;What's wrong?&amp;quot; and receive the typical &amp;quot;It's nothing&amp;quot;, &amp;quot;I'm fine&amp;quot;, etc. and try to brush off the issue. I empathize with you that this is incredibly frustrating, especially if your goal is conflict resolution and to make her feel like she's heard. However, &lt;em&gt;you can't force someone to open to you&lt;/em&gt;, it has to be her own choice. So instead, you can rephrase the three example questions as assertions, something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I just want you to know that you can always talk to me about issues regarding our relationship&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;If you ever need to talk, I'm here to listen&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I care about us and our relationship and if I ever hurt you, just know I want to make it right&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then leave it at that. Don't press on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my tricks to get my previous girlfriend to feel comfortable communicating was to ask her, &amp;quot;Do you want to talk about it or do you want some space?&amp;quot; This showed her that I was not only willing to discuss and communicate with her, but I respected her space and time to process feelings and emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just remember, &lt;strong&gt;it's not you vs. her, it's you two together vs. the problem&lt;/strong&gt;. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship and hope your conflicts are resolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T05:30:47.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16716" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16724" CreationDate="2018-07-19T05:51:25.480" Score="10" ViewCount="2146" Body="&lt;p&gt;My neighbour came over yesterday and addressed me in a rather aggressive tone, he complained that 'kids will be kids' and that 'my bins shouldn't be where they are'. He has never mentioned the bins before so I'm treating that separately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With the kids though, he was unhappy that once again I had asked them to return a toy that they had taken from behind my wall. Now it's a low wall, and I have no gate. But I don't think it's unreasonable to insist that they can't take things from behind it. I'm perfectly happy for his kids to play with any toys we leave out, but I feel that if they are behind our wall, they are not 'out'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this particular case his second youngest (3) was playing with our trike and I asked him to return it, his sister(9) and some other children asked if he could continue playing with it, I said no as it had been taken from behind the wall without my permission. At which point they insisted it was already out. Now I had only let my son out 5 minutes before, he was on his bike and I'm 99.9% sure he didn't take it out and 100% sure it wasn't already out. But I do feel I made a mistake by saying 'I don't think it was out and &lt;strong&gt;I don't appreciate the lie&lt;/strong&gt;'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I could have worded that better as I think the child was upset that I was calling her a liar. I would like talk to my neighbour, make an apology for saying she lied when I'm not 100% sure she did. And try and address his other concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But due to the way he reacted yesterday, my wife was scared it might escalate to violence. But I'm worried if I leave it it will escalate anyway. When I waved at him a few hours later on my way out with the dog he said 'I'm not waving I don't have any respect for you'. Which I thought was a very odd way to behave. But he had drank a few cans by that point it seems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking of either a letter or to go over on Saturday, first apologise for the remark about his daughter lying but I also want to defend my point about his kids not entering my property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of his points was that my son has entered his property. But a.) to my knowledge he never has, other than to return one of their toys that had been left out or retrieve one of his own b. ) he has no wall or fence c.) I don't think it's relevant, if my son enters his garden I would expect him to tell him not too, just like I would. I want my son to understand boundaries and I can only teach him to respect other peoples boundaries if other people respect ours. One of theirs even took something from our porch...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this without simply caving in to letting his children take our things or having to put our things inside?&lt;/strong&gt; I'd really like to avoid any further aggressive reactions against me or my family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3803" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T07:48:04.220" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T09:09:07.513" Title="Neighbor unhappy with the fact I asked his kids to return our toys" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16717" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16751" CreationDate="2018-07-19T06:56:58.317" Score="5" ViewCount="972" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I had a interesting incident recently, and I wonder if I addressed it properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend and I stumbled into an amazing Mexican place after an event we attended. This restaurant was sort low-key, hole-in-the-wall type of place, super authentic food, and with excellent service. We loved it immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyhow, since it was still kinda brunch hours (at least for me) I ordered a coffee, black (&quot;cafe negro&quot;, the menu said) before the main dish. However, the waitress brought me literally &lt;em&gt;a jar of Nescafe instant coffee, a cup of hot water, and a small plastic container of milk.&lt;/em&gt; My friend and I, semi regular coffee drinkers, just kinda sat there for a bit, confused... I looked over the menu (which I kept since I intended to later order another drink) and &lt;strong&gt;nowhere on there did it say &lt;em&gt;instant&lt;/em&gt; coffee.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the food was amazing, and my friend and I dug it. I tried making a half-hearted attempt at drinking that brown and awful tasting instant &quot;coffee&quot; but just couldn't. I am no coffee snob, but I do french-press it semi regularly. I also happen to be Colombian (this apparently would matter to the owner, who must have heard my accent while I flirted a bit with one of the waitresses.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, after we had finished the meal, the owner of the restaurant came to the table, and we only had great things to say about the food. However, I did mention that I was a bit confused that when I ordered black coffee, but they brought me this jar of Nescafe instant coffee and hot water, that I was expecting a cup of black coffee. I asked if perhaps they had run out of grounds...? The owner seemed unfazed, and a bit offended and asked &quot;what what was wrong with the coffee they served, since (technically) that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; coffee...&quot; He asked what the difference was, said that they'd always served it like that, and that maybe I was too used to having the best Colombian coffee.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was a quite taken a back by his response. So I basically just replied that I was far from a coffee expert, nor was I expecting any Colombian coffee in a Mexican restaurant, but that it was just a bit confusing (and not the same). I added that most people expect non-instant coffee when you order the &quot;black coffee&quot; item on the menu. My friend who is American backed me up. I repeated that we really liked his restaurant and so I was giving him some honest feedback since I really thought there was a big difference between instant coffee and you know...well, coffee..? Anyways, he then just sorta thanked me for the feedback and walked off. I was still charged for the &quot;coffee.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, I think I must have inadvertently offended the owner with the complaint about the coffee... maybe Nescafe instant coffee is a popular thing in Mexico?And it's just a cultural thing to call it just &quot;black coffee&quot;? I really don't know... I've only been to Cancun and around a few places for tours in the Yucatan, but I know that area heavily caters to American tastes, so... I'm unsure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I have given some feedback about the way something was served or appears on the menu? Or am I just a Colombian coffee snob now...? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4593" LastEditorUserId="4593" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T07:29:17.973" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T20:32:24.823" Title="How to give constructive feedback to a restaurant owner when they ask after a meal?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16709" CreationDate="2018-07-19T06:57:16.990" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the other answers that changing his behavior is extremely difficult and probably beyond your power. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The underlying principle of this problem is your friends positive reinforcement of his own bad behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being right feels good, being wrong feels bad. So he twists everything until he is right.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being strong and superior feels good, being weak or inferior feels bad. He uses every chance to ridicule other people because it makes him seem superior and thereby feel good.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Getting his way when he asks something from you feels good, your decline makes him feel bad. He tries to manipulate you to get his way and insults you if he can't (so you feel at least as bad as he does).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'd wager he is a terrible loser to the point of becomming aggressive whenever he cannot twist his current situation into any positive outcome.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is important to understand, because giving him an ultimatum like &quot;Change into a better person until X or else...&quot; will not work as long as he feels good beeing a toxic person. You should also consider there being some psychological problem that makes it hard for him to see and evaluate his behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to change him I see is to twist the results of his toxic behavior from something that feels positive to him to something negative. Possible ways to do that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't let yourself be manipulated to give in. If he askes something of you that you don't want to give, tell him in no uncertain terms that you refuse and why. Don't give in.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him immediately and bluntly whenever he acts toxicly. If he is in psychological treatment, he might have enough of a conciense to stop his behavior.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If possible, offer him positive alternatives. Tell him &quot;Instead of (toxic behavior) you should rather (positive behavior). People are more likely to agree with you / like you / give you what you what.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't give him positive results for bad behavior. If he ridicules others, tell him that you will not tolerate it and leave the conversation, leave him alone, make him see negative consequences.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If he won't stop discussions until &quot;he is right&quot;, stop the discussion yourself. State clearly that he cannot convince you and that you will not discuss the matter any longer. Try to change the subject and repeat &quot;I will not discuss this any longer&quot; until he stops. Don't give in, don't give even one more argument after this point or he will drag you back into the discussion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And at the same time, remember that it might be impossible to change him. If he becomes aggressive, stop your efforts and cut him off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T08:22:17.200" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T08:22:17.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16719" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13464" CreationDate="2018-07-19T07:21:05.743" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't wanna share access to you network/internet at all, that's absolutely your choice (a very wise one), &lt;strong&gt;but there's unfortunately not much you can do except provide a plausible white lie or excuse as to why you're not &quot;sharing&quot; internet access.&lt;/strong&gt; Society still is very network security unaware, and there's lots of unsecured wifi networks everywhere. So lots of laymen and laywomen and even laychildren expect (and demand at times!) wifi connectivity everywhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tell your neighbors that your network is setup using &quot;MAC addresses&quot; and only certain MAC addresses entered in by an ISP technician will work. You don't know how it's done. Any serious sounding, technical excuse will help you &quot;save face&quot; and not seem like a stingy/paranoid neighbor. Sad but that's where were are. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4593" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T07:21:05.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16717" CreationDate="2018-07-19T07:22:00.320" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Could I have done better in giving some feedback about the way something was served or appears on the menu?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see nothing wrong with your behaviour. You did explain what you ordered, what you got and what you expected. The owner most likely got defensive since he cares a lot about what people think of his restaurant and he did not expect criticism on something he thought of being alright for quite some time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; have done better:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could have given him a hint on what would change your opinion. Maybe something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When i ordered the coffee I'd gotten instant brew, yet I expected something like fresh ground coffee. Maybe if you'd specify on the menu what type of coffee would be served, I could've made a better decision on what to order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;would have given him something to consider being constructive feedback. What differs from your initial response is, youre not criticising the quality of the drinks but the description on the menu. If there was stated its instant coffee, you'd surely just order tap water instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13628" LastEditorUserId="13628" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T07:51:23.243" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T07:51:23.243" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16717" CreationDate="2018-07-19T07:44:10.193" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;To me this sounds like a classical cultural misunderstanding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know the same thing when I´m in Greece (coming from Germany) - There it´s either mocca or instant - and &lt;em&gt;Nescafe&lt;/em&gt; is actually considered the good stuff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to remember that coffee is an acquired taste - nobody likes it when thy are infant, but you get used to it. If your´re used to the instant stuff you won´t notice the difference. If you´re used to french press, even filter is sometimes hart to swallow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From his perspective you had full control over how you like your coffee. He gave you the jar, so you could dose it how you like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that´s also the best course of action once you realize there are some cultural difference: &lt;em&gt;Oh, OK - no problem - is just not what I usually get when I order coffee. But that´s fine&lt;/em&gt; (And note to self: Next time, don´t order coffee here)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a side note, if you like coffee, its fun to learn and appreciate what different cultures have done with it. In most of these countries you won´t get a decent cup of normal black filtered coffee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In Vietnamese restaurants, I order &quot;café saigon&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On the canaries I drink cortado&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In Protugal it´s galão&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In Greece, café elinica (mocca) or frappé (iced, frothy instant coffe)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In Italy it´s espresso or cappuccino&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;@Home: Locally roasted, fresh ground french press&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T08:21:32.430" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T08:21:32.430" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13464" CreationDate="2018-07-19T08:19:38.873" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Id´like to post a frame challenge. Not because I disagree, but because I think that´s a point that has to a least be considered when it´s about house-guests and politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that nowadays at least some people consider it an absolute basic courtesy to offer WiFi-Access. Just like offering a beverage or providing access to a restroom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The restroom is actually a good comparison - it´s also uncomfortable to have others in your private restroom. That´s why a lot of people have guest-restrooms, at no small costs. Providing an extra WiFi with captive portal to have a legally and technically separated and time-limited access ready is a comparative small cost to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be polite, for some people, providing WiFi is an implicitness. To them it will not matter what excuse you use - you failed your duties as host and will be perceived as impolite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the rest, the other answer are fine though!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T12:24:36.763" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T12:24:36.763" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16716" CreationDate="2018-07-19T08:45:20.107" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your perspective you feel that your neighbour ranting about the bins is his &lt;em&gt;reaction&lt;/em&gt; to your asking for a toy back - and in a way it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt;, but likely the bins have been an issue for him for some time and your reasonable request to have your child's toy back has just opened the floodgates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to have a &lt;em&gt;conversation&lt;/em&gt; with your neighbour to try and resolve &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; of the issues you have so that you can live peaceably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although you don't give the complete history of your relationship as neighbours, you do seem surprised at this outburst. That you normally let his kids play with your kids toys that are &quot;out&quot; suggests that you have had no previous concerns about aggression. So there is good reason to believe that if you approach him with the figurative olive-branch you will be able to calm these things down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In preparation for confronting him, have a think about any possible issues that may come up. He has mentioned your bins - what could his issue be? Are they placed on shared land? On his land? Making access difficult? Or just in a place that could be unpleasant for him? And most importantly, could you reasonably make an adjustment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go and speak to him. Knock on his door rather than collar him in the street where he may see you coming and misinterpret it as an aggressive act. Knock on his door nicely too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [name if you know it]. I regret our argument the other day and I've come to see if we can talk any problems out and move on from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying you regret an argument isn't the same as saying you were wrong. You may not feel like you should doing the apologising, but you're really just &lt;em&gt;making peace&lt;/em&gt; and opening up the floor for a discussion. What you want is for him to calmly say what is wrong with your bins, and agree on a resolution if possible. Likewise, you need to have in your mind &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; expectations regarding the toys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps go on to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You mentioned a problem with the location of my bins. Can you tell me what is wrong so I can see if I can do anything about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If his request is reasonable, why wouldn't you grant it for the sake of peace? If what he wants is &quot;a big ask&quot; then you could offer a compromise that was more in line with what you were willing to do; or, if you can't think on the spot, just say you'll have a think about it and come back to him soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to your own request, perhaps begin by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd just like to clear up my point about our toys. You know that I've been happy for your kids to play with some of my kids toys when they are out and playing together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this, or something like it makes it clear you don't have a problem with their kids. And you shouldn't. Kids are kids. You're right to want to protect your property and your kid's property! But parents are responsible for their own kids, and that is why you need your neighbour on your side. Criticising his kids or his parenting won't win him over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, avoid any moral highground. Definitely do not tell him that you are &quot;teaching your son to understand boundaries&quot;, because that implies your neighbour does not do that. In fact, on that point, I disagree with the idea you cannot teach your kids to respect boundaries if your neighbour's kids do not. Bad examples can be as useful when teaching our kids as good examples, and your kids are going to be exposed to a lot more bad examples throughout their lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm reluctant to put words into your mouth on this point because you understand better than anyone what your expectations are, but one line of reasoning I might use myself is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When my kids aren't out playing themselves I am not watching over what happens outside, and if one of your kids got hurt playing with our toys or on our property I couldn't be responsible for that. So for that reason I'd ask that your kids don't play on our property or with our toys when our kids aren't out themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T09:09:07.513" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T09:09:07.513" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16607" CreationDate="2018-07-19T10:35:28.157" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've got fine answers already, but I'd like to add, that &lt;strong&gt;you are not paranoid at all&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I'm actually surprised you will be alone in your house with a kid in the daytime.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When we have had other peoples kid(s) sleeping in our house, I'd always made sure at least my wife or one parent to the kid was staying overnight as well.&#xA;If a kid woke up in the night, maybe crying because of a nightmare or similar, it's my wife (or overnighting parent) who must take care of it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As a man, I'd never go alone into an overnighting kid's bedroom.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I am also never alone with a kid in a room anyway, not even in the daytime. At least the door must be wide open, and I want to be sure other adults are nearby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds paranoid, but it is not much different from 'always wear your seat belt when driving', or 'never go back to a piece of fireworks that didn't go off'.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It might go well 99 out of 100 times, but the one time something goes wrong, it can destroy you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11448" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T10:35:28.157" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16615" CreationDate="2018-07-19T10:49:46.623" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would go to this shop one day AFTERNOON and simply ask what is the best time to pop in and have fresh rolls or/and bread or/and baguette. Obviously you can specify that you are asking for morning bake off. This question should not offend anyone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20032" LastEditorUserId="20032" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T06:54:02.780" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T06:54:02.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16731" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16734" CreationDate="2018-07-19T12:07:15.073" Score="40" ViewCount="19366" Body="&lt;p&gt;I moved into a shared home with roommates. The landlady and her husband are two of the roommates. I've been having issues with storage space. Today she was cleaning up and she was about to throw out (or at least move) somethings I need for work. I caught them before it was too late and I asked her where I can keep them. She said &quot;in your room&quot; and I replied &quot;there is no space&quot; which is true. She replied &quot;you are only renting a room&quot; and I replied &quot;I thought we shared common spaces?&quot; which is true. She replied &quot;no&quot; and I replied &quot;well that wasn't my understanding&quot; and the conversation got completely unproductive from that point.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing in the contract specifically about shared spaces, though I thought when living with roommates it's obvious that a shared space is to be shared equally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also uses my bathroom for storage and I asked if she could move her makeup out so I can keep my toothbrush, razor etc. in the space, and again she just said &quot;no&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two things I think are extremely important to context: the landlady is old enough to be my mother (in fact older). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The landlady's husband recently got diagnosed with a very serious/terminal illness. Understandably she's under a lot of stress. I don't want to put a bunch of extra details into this, but I think with the stress she's under she's been ignoring certain problems (for example she also has dogs that won't stop barking and though I complained, even when she's in the same room she does nothing to get them to stop barking).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me it's reasonable that if I see a free space in a shared area (and no one has said otherwise) I can use it. For example I would like to put a box of winter clothes in the basement where there's a free spot. However I'm afraid someone may move or throw it out and if I try asking if it's to put there she just says &quot;no&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR a roommate, who is also the landlady, is basically telling me I can't use the shared space except for a few items. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE: first, I'd like to thank everyone for their input. Second, this is not a legal question because I do not consider going to court a solution (IMHO often times lawyers are the only side that win when things go to court). Regarding the lease, it is the government issued standard rental agreement, which does not have any specifics on shared areas. The address given is for the whole suite (not a room number or anything like that). However, at the top of the lease it was written &quot;room rental&quot;. My understanding was that the room was private, and the other areas equally shared; this is based on the price I pay for rent, and the fact that during the viewing I was showed the shared areas. But I must stress again, interpersonal skills should always be used before court gets involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't want this to turn into an argument but for my area this is very common: when living with roommates you have equal share of the common space (which includes things like the kitchen, bathroom and laundry room). I have lived in 5 different roommate situations and this has always been the case (and has always been the case with all the other homes I viewed and didn't move into). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Final edit: I didn't want this to turn into a legal debate and that's why I'm not responding to any more comments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19971" LastEditorUserId="19971" LastEditDate="2018-08-05T23:04:59.190" LastActivityDate="2018-08-05T23:04:59.190" Title="How to negotiate with landlady in a shared home who flat out says &quot;no&quot;?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;negotiation&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16615" CreationDate="2018-07-19T13:18:14.330" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had the same situation once... but the baker informed me that the bread was from the freezer... I asked if there was a discount, she said no... I looked at her as being surprised but bought it anyway...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, where the baker would say nothing.... I would ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;One Baguette please. One that is baked today please.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if they can't or won't.. buy it anyways and say … &quot;ohhh, I got up early especially for a fresh baguette...&quot; and leave…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's okay if you feel uncomfortable and it shows ... they should feel uncomfortable too if they are selling bread from the day before...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next day you could repeat to increase the feeling of shame...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what I would consider doing in your case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12160" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T13:18:14.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16733" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-19T13:28:51.180" Score="6" ViewCount="1910" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I've been part of a very tight group of friends for more than a year now, and it feels like we're gonna be friends for a good while. We're all from 18 to 20 years old, and it's a mix of males and females (I'm a 20 y/o male). In that group there's a girl that tends to lie from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Exemples&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her : &quot;I carried a friend to her boyfriend in 15 minutes&quot;. Which in that case is clearly impossible since it takes at least 45 minutes to travel that distance at 120km/h, so to do that in 15 min she would need to be driving at 300+ km/h. I know it's not a big deal but the problem is that when she lies to us, we all know she's lying and it's weirding us out and we don't know how to react and it gets kind of awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another problem is that nobody feels like contradicting her because she really looks like she believes herself. In the scenario that I told you we had the proof that it wasn't possible, but in most other cases we don't, but it still feels pretty obvious that she's lying. Furthermore, she'll lie in situations where she could be honest and it would be just fine. Example, her, two other friends (from that group of friends) and I had planned to go to another friend's house after we spent the day the together. The day comes along like planned and at the end of the day she looked tired and exhausted and I had the feeling she wouldn't want to come with us to our friend's house which would've been fine if she just told us she was too tired to come since it wasn't a party or anything that could make someone disappointed if she didn't come. But instead of saying the truth she started pretending she was losing her voice and she wanted to go home. Since she's a pretty bad liar we had doubts it was true, and we had our doubts confirmed when she &quot;forgot to fake&quot; as she started to talk normally for a few words and then noticed and went back to faking (didn't have the usual sound of someone losing their voice). So yet again it's no big deal, but it can get very irritating, and as we are very close friends we're expecting honesty from each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional Information&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She can be stubborn when she wants to, she will most likely understand it as if I want to insult her rather than just try to fix an issue. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Her and I are very close to each other and are still getting closer with time. We have said to each other we would be interested to have a relationship in a not so far future, so being rude is not an option.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Aside from that issue she's a great person and everybody in our group appreciates her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that I could have a conversation with her about this or I could just tell her I don't believe her when I feel deceived so she'll start paying more attention to what she says. I want to talk to her to get her to stop lying all of the time. How can I do this without insulting her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19594" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-28T16:32:19.190" LastActivityDate="2019-05-28T16:32:19.190" Title="How to ask a friend to stop lying?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16731" CreationDate="2018-07-19T13:30:33.060" Score="86" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the absence of anything explicit in your tenancy agreement, this comes down to what you can negotiate with them. Ultimately it's their place and if they never intended for you to store items outside of your room, you aren't going to be able to force the issue, except perhaps by finding somewhere else to live or at least threatening to move out - the only leverage you have is how much they need/want your rent money and how easy it would be for them to find a new tenant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest sitting down with them at an appropriate moment and asking if there is any additional storage space on the property that you can use. If they say no, explain that you may have to look at moving elsewhere because you don't have enough room. Either they won't want you to do that, and may then offer additional storage as a compromise, or they'll tell you to go ahead and find somewhere new.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, I think when renting shared accommodation, there is a difference between &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;having 'use of' shared areas such as a kitchen* or lounge, and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;having an implied right to store personal items in these spaces.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would tend not to assume the latter is okay unless you were explicitly told differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;: I accept that it's typical to be able to store some utensils in a kitchen (and food in the fridge etc) and toiletries in a bathroom. I was referring to personal items that would not be expected to belong in such places.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastEditorUserId="15789" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T06:49:29.243" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T06:49:29.243" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16731" CreationDate="2018-07-19T13:33:26.080" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have yourself in a very unpleasant situation. Truth is it is their house and I am not sure you can change the rules of how they behave in their house unless you have something legally binding in your contract (or even then to be honest).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Easiest solution is to move out and find another place though I realize that can be quite costly and time consuming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is not an option or you really want to stay there I would say try to improve your relationship with the landlords. You say they are under a lot of stress, maybe you can try to relieve them of some of it. Help out more around the house. You can do a lot of small things like clean the shared spaces more often, walk the dogs, cook for everyone every now and then, ask what they need help with. Go beyond what is expected from a good tenant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are helpful for them they will treat you better and will respect your right to use the shared spaces to store things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that it is pretty much earning the right to do things that you should get by default and there are 0 guarantees that it will actually work but it is a difficult situation during a difficult time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T13:33:26.080" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16733" CreationDate="2018-07-19T13:54:19.787" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best option would be to have an honest conversation with her, instead of telling her you don't believe her.  Telling her you don't believe her will cause a lot of defensiveness as (from the way you worded it) it comes off as a direct attack against her honesty and sounds very harsh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conversation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a one-on-one conversation with her and ask her why she feels the need to lie all the time.  Bring up an example (a good one would be the voice loss one) and ask her why she felt she needed to lie to you and your friends instead of telling the truth.  Be nice and don't convey a hostile, accusatory attitude, which will turn your friend off from actually answering you honestly, and instead be more defensive.  And be warned: &lt;strong&gt;she might lie here too.&lt;/strong&gt;  If she is so convinced that her lies are actually real, as you state, she might not be welcome to people calling her out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Accusation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I worded this section as &quot;accusation&quot; because that is what it actually is.  You are just accusing her of lying and that you are going to be more aware of what she says.  There isn't a way to use this situation without insulting her as this approach is incredibly rude to someone who is &lt;em&gt;or isn't&lt;/em&gt; lying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of it this way.  &lt;strong&gt;If you are a truly honest (albeit easily mistaken) person and someone accuses you of lying constantly and starts challenging everything you say, would you react kindly?&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would instead go for my first option, which would be to have a one on one conversation with her.  This avoids public shaming which will &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; cause some issues between you and your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a decent chance your friend might be a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mentalhelp.net/advice/pathological-lying/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;pathological liar&lt;/a&gt;, which is a personality disorder, so it may be something she can't really control.  You can suggest therapy if she realizes her issue in your first conversation, but I wouldn't try to force it on her if she doesn't think her lying is an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T02:55:33.700" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T02:55:33.700" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16737" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16731" CreationDate="2018-07-19T14:04:02.987" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;A negotiation requires two parties which are both open to a change in the status quo. You can't negotiate with a person unwilling to negotiate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason why people won't negotiate is usually because they think that the other side either has nothing to offer which has value to them nor any leverage on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this seems to be the case here. Your landlord is under the impression that you only have right to that one room and nothing else. Compromising that position would be a disadvantage to them with nothing in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what can you do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either provide an incentive (for example &quot;if you let me use the space, I will do [X] for you&quot;) or find some leverage (for example: &quot;I've noticed I do [X] for you which isn't part of our agreement either. I will stop doing that.&quot; or the ultima ratio: &quot;I will move out and you will have to look for another tennant&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1943" LastEditorUserId="1943" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T14:39:43.563" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T14:39:43.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16740" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-19T14:59:34.590" Score="23" ViewCount="11160" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, it is not common practice for native English speakers in the United States to attempt to pronounce non-English sounds, such as gutturals or trills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So say I meet a new colleague whose printed name I did not recognize. I will interact with this person on a daily basis for the foreseeable future. I ask the person how to pronounce the name, and the name has a sound which does not exist in English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Where do I go from here?&lt;/strong&gt; I am able to pronounce many non-English sounds, and I'm happy to do so (or at least try) for a person's name. But is there a straightforward and polite way of finding out whether I should? And when I say &quot;should&quot;, I mean either&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;most people pronounce it with the non-English sound&lt;/em&gt;,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;the person would prefer that it be pronounced with the non-English sound, even though most people don't&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some ways I've thought of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking how &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; people pronounce the name.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking how they prefer others pronounce their name.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoiding addressing the person by name until I hear how most others&#xA;pronounce it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking how they prefer I pronounce it if I have trouble pronouncing the non-English sounds.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some outcomes I would ideally like to avoid: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I wind up with an idiosyncratic pronunciation - one that is not correct (and not really close), and also not a standard alternative pronunciation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm the only one who pronounces the name correctly, and the person doesn't care about how people pronounce their name.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, this amounts to me not wanting to stick out at work. I've looked at other questions related to this (&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6191/how-to-clarify-how-to-pronounce-someones-name-when-youve-just-met&quot;&gt;1&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6737/how-to-pronounce-a-collegues-name-when-the-pronounciation-is-unusual&quot;&gt;2&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3833/how-to-politely-receive-someone-when-you-dont-know-how-to-pronounce-their-name&quot;&gt;3&lt;/a&gt;), and they don't seem to quite address this specific issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the specific interaction which prompted this question, the person's name had a guttural sound. I do not know whether this person is from the US or not. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; follow up with something to the effect of &quot;how do most people pronounce your name.&quot; Which I immediately felt was rude and/or presumptuous - from the person's perspective, that may not be relevant - they might want their name pronounced correctly, regardless of how most people say it. So that's why I'm asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Apologies if the edits are making things confusing with existing answers, but I hadn't come up with some of the details until the answers helped me clarify the query in my own mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12980" LastEditorUserId="12980" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T18:26:41.227" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T18:51:05.070" Title="Polite way to ask how to pronounce name with sounds outside local language?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;language&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-19T15:11:36.543" Score="49" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not sure I will be able to pronounce that correctly, but I would like to try my best.  Would you be willing to help me try to get it right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've encountered this problem often, and I've never had anyone take offense to this approach.  Most people are happy someone is taking the extra effort, but if they say something like &quot;oh no, any way you pronounce it is fine with me,&quot; then just take them at their word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A variation on this even works if you've known someone for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really afraid I've been butchering your name all along.  Could you please try to teach me to say it correctly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastEditorUserId="4197" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T20:10:29.373" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T20:10:29.373" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1536" CreationDate="2018-07-19T15:43:08.233" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;What makes this difficult is that the unspoken rules around this are very different in different subcultures, and are changing rapidly.  There are subcultures --for instance, liberal academic settings --where asking someone's preferred pronouns is standard and expected, others where the question wouldn't even be understood, and some where it would be understood, but considered offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't exactly the route of maximum courage, but I would tailor this to the setting.  If you know you're in a setting where gender fluidity is the norm, find out the standard way of asking the question, and use it.  If you're working in an official capacity, you can (as others have suggested) use official regulations as an excuse for asking, so that people don't take the question personally.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, I would wait for people to volunteer this information if they want you to know, or to correct you if you misspeak.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T15:43:08.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-19T15:45:53.763" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I typically do if I'm uncertain how to pronounce a name when I call someone on the phone, is to say the name with a tone of voice indicating my unfamiliarity with the pronunciation followed by an apology if I'm not pronouncing it properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives them the option to correct your pronunciation or give you an alternative. If they recognize your struggle, they might acknowledge that it's a common problem and that there's nothing your can do about it in the short term due to cultural differences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, the French version of the name &quot;Alexander&quot; is &quot;Alexandre&quot;, but this gives a lot of trouble to English speakers. When I introduce myself, it is common for them to repeat &quot;Alex-Andre&quot; or &quot;Alexandra&quot;, which is nowhere near the pronunciation, but none of the English speakers seems to notice the difference. While I myself prefer to be referred to as &quot;Alex&quot;, I offer the shorthand, which most of them accept. Some of my friends, despite months of hearing my French friends say my name properly, still don't pick-up on the nuances between both versions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a reality you have to live with, same reason Japanese pronounce &quot;L&quot; and &quot;R&quot; the same way. Their language does not have that sound and it is something they might not even pick up on. Acknowledging you may not have the right pronunciation will go a long way and people usually appreciate that you think it matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3442" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T22:18:11.777" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T22:18:11.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-19T16:33:08.610" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I worked with patients in a hospital I encountered this situation nearly every day. My scripted lead-in to this became:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, [Mr./Ms.]… I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm going to get this wrong, [best effort at pronouncing the name]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This always prompted the person I was speaking with to approve of my pronunciation, right or wrong (&quot;Yes, that's right!&quot; or &quot;That's fine&quot;) or to offer a correction. Then you have the correct (or at least an acceptable) pronunciation of the name, and have softened any mistakes you may have made in your initial effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T16:33:08.610" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16731" CreationDate="2018-07-19T16:39:57.110" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;Start by understanding that you and your landlord have a fundamental disagreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;shared home with roommates&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But everything the landlady has said suggests that she views it as a home with a room rented to a lodger.  In which case,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;it's obvious that a shared space is to be shared equally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is definitely not true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation you would typically have use of your bedroom and whatever communal areas that are agreed (usually kitchen, bathroom and maybe a living room).  But this is entirely at the discretion of the landlady and is definitely not an 'equal' sharing.  They 'own' the entire house.  You pay for the right to live in it.  Very different to a houseshare where you jointly rent the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer the question, you cannot negotiate with someone who flat out says &quot;no&quot;.  The choice you have is broadly to live in her house according to the limits she sets or move out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4938" LastEditorUserId="4938" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T09:43:44.313" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T09:43:44.313" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16731" CreationDate="2018-07-19T18:00:27.260" Score="9" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Present situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it stands right now, you have no power or right to demand more space. They own the house, you are merely a paying guest. I say this because because if I were an elderly person caring for my dying spouse, I would be &lt;strong&gt;Extremely&lt;/strong&gt; pissed if someone we let a room to started acting entitled to things they don't own and don't pay for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Side note: I've had some very bad roommates in my life, who have raised issues very similar to this one. I would be remiss if I did not say that I am highly biased against your situation.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to make the best of it&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply put, make them an offer. Pay them for some storage space, and get all of the details in writing with a signature. If money's too tight, offer to take up some task around the house - cleaning, landscaping, whatever you can do. Point is, actually offer them something in return. Negotiations are about give and take, not getting everything you want at no cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Possible legal concerns&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing sticks out to me in your post - the bathroom. I'd suggest you study up on renters rights in your area, because not having the full use of a bathroom seems... off. Do not ever compromise or negotiate on things you are legally entitled too. If my gut instinct is right, the bathroom might be one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4739" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T18:00:27.260" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-19T18:11:33.357" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I actually run into this issue somewhat regularly myself (I work for a company with a lot of international customers).  I usually do one of four things depending on the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If I know for certain how the name is supposed to be prononuced in their native language, I use the closest approximation I can.  Usually, this ends up being close enough that they don't care..&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If I know where they are from, know what the predominant language is there, and understand the pronunciation rules for that language, I try to get the closest approximation I can based on that.  Simmilarly to the first case, I find that this is usually close enough to not matter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Failing both of those, If I know what language family the name is from, I'll attempt to pronounce it with reasonably basic rules for that language family.  In most cases, this ends up working out well enough for names from European languages I don't know that there isn't an issue, though for African and Asian languages it's often a laughably bad attempt.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Failing all the above, I politely explain that I'm not sure how to pronounce their name.  Usually, people won't take much (if any) offense at this.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the event that they do take offense, I apologize, explain politely that I'm not very good at names with whatever part I mispronouncex (assuming I know what I pronounced wrong), and ask if there is some alternative simpler pronunciation that would be acceptable to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of caveats to my approach though:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Part of the reason this works for me is that I have significant background in comparative linguistics. As a result of this, I know the pronunciation rules for over two dozen European languages and almost a dozen non-European languages, so for most of the common languages, the first option ends up being what I try, and it's close enough to correct that it's not an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I took both Latin and Spanish for a couple of years, and have also studied Esperanto.  As a result, most if the time, my pronunciation attempts have a decidedly italic accent to them, which for some reason people don't seem to mind as much as an otherwise identical pronunciation with an English accent.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I can't pronounce click consonants correctly no matter how much I try, so if I know there's a click consonant in the name, I just skip to apologizing and explain that I know I won't pronounce it right.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2919" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T18:11:33.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16749" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-19T19:18:57.703" Score="10" ViewCount="768" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a deaf-blind friend, and she is very sweet. Because she is deaf and blind, there are many restrictions on what she can and can't do, and she has a mitochondrial condition that causes her balance to be off, so she not only can't see where she's going and can't walk without some assistance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only issue I have with her is that she is very demanding. A recent text conversation about her coming to a deaf social and her needing help with transportation to get there:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: The place is at the corner of X and Y street, you can easily get there by bus, because the bus stop is next to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend: I can't take the bus myself yet because my boyfriend was there last time to help me, and now he's not visiting for another X weeks because of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: Look into having an assistant go with you to ride the bus with you, to make sure you know what's going on and that you can ride the bus independently. I had that experience when I was just starting to ride the bus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;F: maybe. How come you couldn't ride the bus out here to her home and then ride back with me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: The bus company sent someone to help me, the person was paid to help me, I couldn't possibly do that. I am not a professional paid by the bus company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;F: But you're a friend and you know how to take the bus... I couldn't use a person from the bus company that doesn't know sign language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: You also understand that I can't miss church to take the bus to you, get you, bring you to lunch and then bring you back. You'd be taking the bus twice, I'd be taking it four times, and about an hour each trip, that's four hours. That's quite a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;F: awww.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has made demanding statements before, and I've had to tread carefully to not be abrasive but also express to her that I'm not going to drop what I'm doing and help her every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Driving to her from the lunch place would take a good 20 minutes one way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The deaf social occurs once a month, and I am a well known attendant. She understandably wants to socialize, because her life is generally lonely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The deaf-blind friend's family and mine are very, very close. Her late father was my sister's God-father and his wife (still living) is her God-mother. They are close friends. The mom is very aware of her daughter's demanding personality.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I approach and turn down her demands, while preserving my kindness and not putting a strain on the family-friend relationship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T20:59:20.477" Title="How to tactfully turn down demands from a demanding friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16750" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-19T19:37:36.097" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If a person visits another culture where a different language is spoken, often the person has themselves chosen a succinct replacement for the foreign culture which is easy to speak out. In most cases the person will give you then the adjusted name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruce_Lee&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Bruce Lee&quot;&lt;/a&gt; e.g. had the native name  李振藩.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person has not interacted and chosen a name so far, you simply ask for the name and try to respell it. By trial and error you will normally find a pronounciation both people could live with and will be used by the visitor for all further interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now there are some languages which are so dissimilar and inscrutable to other cultures, e.g. Navajo or Khoisan to most other cultures that a speakable replacement is a problem. It is also possible that the mispronounciation hurts the ears of the visitor so hard or is too similar to a not-so-nice word in their own language that they themselves ask for a replacement. &lt;strong&gt;Congratulations: You may be the person's name-birther for the culture.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Often names are interrelated and each language has an acceptable substitute: Instead &quot;Henry&quot; there is &lt;em&gt;Heinrich&lt;/em&gt; (German), &lt;em&gt;Henri&lt;/em&gt; (French), &lt;em&gt;Henrik&lt;/em&gt; (Danish), &lt;em&gt;Endrikis&lt;/em&gt; (Lithuanian), &lt;em&gt;Jendrik&lt;/em&gt; (slav).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If this does not work, ask if the name has a meaning, most have one. My name Thorsten e.g. means &quot;stone of Thor (God of Thunder)&quot;, so words for &quot;stone&quot;,&quot;rock&quot;, &quot;thunder&quot; or &quot;lightning&quot; are obvious candidates.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Otherwise, trial and error. You can give a list of names which are common and the visitor picks one which sounds for him best and can be spoken by him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T19:37:36.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16751" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16717" CreationDate="2018-07-19T20:25:55.570" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: though I am of Mexican heritage and visit Mexico often, my experience is not the end-all to Mexican culture. My family originates from the state of Oaxaca, which is a large exporter of coffee. Also, I have little insight into Columbia's culture. However, this is my experience:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I visit my Abuelita (grandmother) in Mexico, the coffee in her house is always Nescafe. Also, the small, authentic, &quot;hole-in-the-wall&quot; Mexican restaurant that serves authentic Mexican food is usually family run and operated. Therefore, the coffee is often times what the family uses in their home, which is usually Nescafe. When you ordered black coffee, they assumed just the run-of-the-mill cup of coffee they'd have in their home. Like @Daniel stated, classic cultural mix-up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'd refrain from providing feedback about their menu and how it's stated. Providing feedback may be construed as insulting, especially if you are of a different culture or ethnicity. It can be viewed as you saying, &quot;What you serve in your home is not good enough for me, and therefore your food is not good enough for me.&quot; In the future, I suggest asking what kind of coffee they're serving, whether it be freshly ground of instant coffee, or ask if they have other coffee drinks like cappuccino, espresso, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a link to an article called &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://roguepriest.net/2015/05/12/nescafe-in-mexico/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Is There Anything Besides Nescafe in Mexico?&lt;/a&gt;&quot;, I hope it provides clarification!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastEditorUserId="1905" LastEditDate="2018-07-19T20:32:24.823" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T20:32:24.823" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16749" CreationDate="2018-07-19T20:36:46.047" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;The Huffington Post has a great article on &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/irene-s-levine/7-tips-for-saying-no-to-a_b_828759.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;saying NO to a friend&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the things it talks about you're already doing, such as not waiting until you're fed up and considering why you need to say no, but there are a few things you could try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;&amp;quot;Try to say NO as graciously as you can&amp;quot;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The article talks about being apologetic when you have to say no--after all, if you could, you'd probably want to do everything in your power for your friends, right? So in this case, instead of &amp;quot;you can easily get there by bus...&amp;quot; maybe try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish I could take you--it'd be fun to spend more time together! But I'll be at church and it'll end up being 4 more hours of traveling for me. I know there's a bus stop right next to the venue though!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then when she responds about how much trouble the bus will be for her, the article says...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;&amp;quot;If your friend can’t accept NO for an answer, recognize it as her problem not yours.&amp;quot;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She wants to go to this event. It isn't your responsibility to take her. As such, it's on her to find a way to get there. When she responds about bus trouble, don't even try to go down that rabbit hole. I'd give her the rest of the help you had to offer (telling her about the assistant) and then shutdown the conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you can have an assistant ride with you if you need help, but I really can't take you. If you still want to go and you find a way to get there, let me know and we can talk about what time to meetup!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might seem harsh, but &lt;strong&gt;you're setting boundaries in the friendship.&lt;/strong&gt; Which leads to (in my opinion) the most important point in the article:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;&amp;quot;When you’re both relaxed, talk about limits and boundaries in friendships&amp;quot;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Discuss this with her after the fact when you're both calm and figure out why this misunderstanding happened. Set boundaries and help her understand that you care for her and want to help her, but you can't always be her personal chaperone whenever you hangout with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T20:59:20.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-19T21:15:42.677" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a Dutch colleague once, and to me it was impossible to pronounce his name correctly without damaging parts of the speech apparatus (name started with &quot;Sch&quot; and that Dutch sound is impossible). He was completely aware that only Dutch people could get his name right. He used to joke &quot;I give everyone five years to learn how to pronounce my name&quot;, but fifty years wouldn't have helped and he knew that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just a fact that after the age of ten or so, it is really, really hard to learn new sounds. If someone's name has sounds that you haven't learned early in life, then there is nothing you can do to pronounce the name correctly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(And there was a guy from Hungary that I worked with whose last name frightened everyone. When I say frightened, I mean it. You didn't even try to speak it. Someone had once managed to type his name right, and everyone copied/pasted the name in emails. Everyone called him Mr. L. )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now consider this: Anyone coming from a foreign country with a different language &lt;em&gt;knows&lt;/em&gt; the locals will have problems. My own name is &quot;harmless&quot;. No English person gets it right just reading the name. When told how to speak it, they manage a good approximation. Nobody gets it 100% right, and most cannot even hear the difference. You just live with it. And many people don't want to stick out. They want to be known for who they are and what they do, not for being &quot;the person with the strange name&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing is to just ask &quot;How do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; pronounce your name&quot;. And if you can't do it, then you may ask &quot;I can't do that, how would you like &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; to pronounce your name&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T21:15:42.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-19T21:24:37.313" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I try to start with introducing myself and then saying &quot;How do you (want/like/prefer) to be (addressed/called)?&quot; before even attempting the name. This gives them lots of options, they can say their given name, or another part of their name, or they can give a nickname, or they might prefer a more formal address. And then you can follow up with questions about how to pronounce it, and I find that since you've left the door open about what they would like to be called most people are more comfortable here either correcting pronunciation if it matters to them, or telling you directly that it is good enough/doesn't matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also try to do this for everyone, even if I don't already know if they have a difficult name. If you come across as an entirely routine question, then it seems to make people more comfortable that you're not judging their name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Source: I went by a nickname for a long time and had to go around saying &quot;My driver's license name is Foo but please call me Bar...&quot; whenever someone asked &quot;What's your name?&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1974" LastActivityDate="2018-07-19T21:24:37.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16615" CreationDate="2018-07-20T00:44:51.330" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You already know that the bread isn't fresh, and that bad-tasting fresh bread is irrelevant, anyhow. Personally, I would &lt;strong&gt;find another bakery&lt;/strong&gt; or bake my own, since there isn't much chance of them listening to any business advice, because any decent baker knows &lt;em&gt;rule #1 is the bread must be freshly baked that morning&lt;/em&gt;. If they lose enough business, it should be obvious enough to them what is causing the problem. Selling day-old bread is dishonest in my book (as a former bakery manager of 10 years experience). And I always try to avoid doing business with either dishonest or completely clueless businesses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But if you must try to reform your baker for the sake of convenience (say you don't have another good bakery nearby, for example), this is what I would advise:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Calmly walk into your bakery and ask to speak to the manager or owner. Then introduce yourself as a regular customer of the bakery and very politely inform him that &lt;em&gt;you buy bread very often&lt;/em&gt;, but &lt;em&gt;only if it is of the highest quality and freshly baked the same morning&lt;/em&gt;. If he assures you that their bread meets your standards, reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but I must disagree, because the bread I've been buying lately doesn't taste freshly baked and wholesome. In fact, it is so unappetizing I'm afraid I might have to buy it somewhere else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should illicit at least one of about three different reactions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He immediately becomes defensive and argumentative, rudely insisting that you don't know anything about bread, etc. You leave and &lt;strong&gt;find another bakery&lt;/strong&gt;, because they're unwilling to improve themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;He admits the bread is day-old&lt;/strong&gt; and he didn't see anything wrong with that until you brought it to his attention. He says no one else ever complains about it, so he didn't think it was a big deal. At this point he should be forthcoming about his future plans for the bakery:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;a&lt;/strong&gt;. He's going to immediately stop selling day-old bread &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; at least sell it &lt;em&gt;as&lt;/em&gt; &quot;day-old&quot;, at a discounted price. (In either case, since he was honest, give him a reasonable chance to improve his business practices). Or,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;b&lt;/strong&gt;. He's not changing his business practices to please anybody. &quot;It's unfeasible,&quot; etc. &lt;strong&gt;Find another bakery&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He apologizes and explains that their policy has &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; been to serve freshly baked, wholesome bread. Offers you a sample and actually tastes it for himself. Now you can find out if you both share the same criteria for good bread:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it is really bad but &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; thinks it is fine: &lt;strong&gt;find another bakery&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's really bad and he &lt;em&gt;agrees&lt;/em&gt; with you, then his bakers need closer supervision, disciplinary actions, and replacements if all else fails. That is his job and he should be concerned. So, if you're confident that he will adequately solve the problem, then mentally give his shop a reasonable probationary period (not as an ultimatum for him, just a guideline for yourself).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then thank him profusely for helping you with this problem, and let him know that you are looking forward to many more future visits to your &lt;em&gt;favorite&lt;/em&gt; bakery. Also let him know that you would enjoy recommending their shop to your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...But if the tasting sample turns out to be good this one time only, then they've got a problem with &lt;em&gt;consistency&lt;/em&gt;. You should inform him that you only buy bread of &lt;em&gt;reliably&lt;/em&gt; good quality. Again, that could be a serious personnel issue that must be properly managed. And again you have to decide whether or not to trust management to fix the problem quickly and correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many bakeries, free samples are always offered to customers so that they may judge the bread for themselves, before purchasing. Of course, the samples must represent the actual product sold. But any &lt;em&gt;decent&lt;/em&gt; bakery would rather close than sell stale bread. So if that's what's happening, it's time to &lt;strong&gt;find another bakery&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9307" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T00:44:51.330" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16758" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-20T01:09:38.033" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It can certainly be mortifying to learn you've been blithely mispronouncing someone's name—especially after an extended period! It's even more awkward if you then discover you can't articulate sounds in their native name, and will just have to conciously continue to mispronounce it in some respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, as you've recognized, it's best to be mindful of the issue and work on it from the start  of the relationship. How you can do this smoothly depends on the context and personal histories and cultures of both you and the person whose name you're trying to pronounce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a linguist by training, I've always had an interest in this—I like to try to pronounce &quot;difficult&quot; names as correctly as possible, and find the rules different languages have about use of names fascinating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, navigating this situation requires diplomacy and tact as much—if not more—than linguistics. Here's what I'd keep in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your acquaintance's relationship to native English speakers in general&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People with names like you describe will generally fall into one of two groups:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Those who have experience&lt;/strong&gt; dealing with native English speakers, and are well aware of the difficulty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These fall into two subgroups:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a. Those &lt;strong&gt;who are understanding, patient, and generous&lt;/strong&gt; about mispronunciation of their names, or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b. Those &lt;strong&gt;who are not&lt;/strong&gt; — perhaps because&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They have come across enough native English speakers who &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; pronounce their names (maybe from travel to other parts of the anglophone world where familiarity with the sounds is greater) that they think anyone else should be able to as well;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They think that you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; pronounce the name but are essentially being more-or-less consciously xenophobic by &quot;refusing&quot; to pronounce it (particularly if you're American);&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Their own language doesn't make distinctions in the same way English does, so they don't notice anything wrong about your pronunciation, even though it obviously sounds &quot;wrong&quot; to other native English speakers;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They're just not cooperative in nature.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;OR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Those who are new to dealing with native English speakers&lt;/strong&gt; — for instance, this is their first trip to an anglophone country, and they have previously only spoken English with speakers of their own native language.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The priority your acquaintance puts on pronunciation of their name&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People with the same native name and language can differ in how much they care, and about what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some would like each person to do their best at pronouncing their native name, and will coach and correct you, expecting you to get better at pronouncing it as you get to know them better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some put a higher premium on everyone in the group using the same pronunciation, since it can feel odd for different members of a group to all call someone by slightly different names.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some prioritize smoothing out social awkwardness, and will do whatever's necessary to avoid that awkwardness — whether that's selecting an adopted English nickname, or letting each person pronounce it however they happen to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your linguistic abilities&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your question you mention what perhaps seems the most obvious and vexing issue in pronouncing an unfamiliar language's names — sounds that don't exist in English. And indeed, this can be a problem. If you can't trill, you won't be able to pronounce a name with a trill, no matter how much you want to. Unfamiliar vowel sounds, clicks, or glottal and pharyngeal sounds will all be very difficult to get right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But while obvious, &quot;weird sounds&quot; aren't the only, or even the most common, issue native English speakers have with &quot;difficult&quot; names. Also possible:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Sound density and flow:&lt;/em&gt; in English we can cluster consonants together, we can put vowels next to one another, we can start or end words with either single consonants, consonant clusters, or with vowels. Many languages are far stricter about this, and a secondary effect of this is that words (and names) tend to get longer, because less possibilities are available for each syllable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Stress:&lt;/em&gt; in English, we prefer certain stress patterns to go with certain combinations of vowels and consonants, and there are some vowel sounds we pronounce only stressed, or only unstressed. Other languages do not follow these same patterns, and we may not even be able to hear the difference unless our attention is drawn to it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Syllabification:&lt;/em&gt; in English, we break syllables in a certain way, and we usually don't even realize we're doing it. Have you noticed how often apostrophes appear in science fiction names? A bug-eyed villain named &quot;K'Onyak&quot; just &lt;em&gt;sounds alien&lt;/em&gt; — and not at all like a certain expensive French brandy! — just by forcing syllabification into an unexpected place.&#xA;(Stress and syllabification can really matter. Consider the English: &lt;em&gt;I went into the dark room&lt;/em&gt; vs. &lt;em&gt;I went into the darkroom.&lt;/em&gt; The only difference is in stress and syllable breaks, but we can definitely hear the difference between a dimly-lit enclosed space and a photographic developing lab!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bad thing about all three of these is that you must be conscious of them or you may not even be aware you're badly mispronouncing a name, &lt;em&gt;even after&lt;/em&gt; mastering all the &quot;weird sounds&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; thing about these three, though, is that unlike those trills and pops, you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; get these right with just a little practice. For example, many North American English speakers have difficulty with subcontinental Indian names that seem very long and complicated, but it's generally just because it's a lot to take in at once and we're not used to it. Get the person's name in writing, and practice it alone until you figure out the rhythm, and you'll find &quot;Nathavarthi Paramparil&quot; isn't really a &quot;difficult&quot; name at all—you just needed the time to assimilate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The other English speakers around you&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not speak their language, but you may speak another second language that has sounds closer to the ones in their name. If so, you may be able to produce a closer approximation than most native English speakers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But even if you speak their own langage well, &lt;em&gt;you shouldn't assume&lt;/em&gt; they want you to address them using native pronunciation. It can sound pretentious to others, causing social discomfort, and may result in the other English speakers in your group trying to match your performance, butchering their name in new ways every time it's spoken. Your acquaintance may wish you'd stuck with the &quot;wrong&quot; version!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance: the Russian name Олег (Oleg) is natively pronounced almost identically to the English name &quot;Alec&quot;. If you know this, you may be tempted to call him that. And who knows, that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; delight him!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But since Oleg is also an Anglicized name that sounds nothing like &quot;Alec&quot;, it could also result in others being confused— &lt;em&gt;Who's 'Alec?' Isn't that Oleg? Have I been getting his name wrong all this time? Or should I pull that person aside and correct them, so they stop calling him Alec?&lt;/em&gt; — and Oleg may be aware of this sort of confusion and prefer it not happen, even at the cost of everyone &quot;mispronouncing&quot; his name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility to consider: many languages have different pronunciations of names depending on how they're used. Some have strict politeness rules, and in their native language calling them by exactly what's written on their passport—even &quot;correctly&quot; pronounced—would be a faux pas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some languages have what's known as a &quot;vocative&quot; form, meaning that their name sounds different when you speak directly to them from when they are referred to in the third person. Imagine something like: &lt;em&gt;Olyegu, would you like some water? Yes? Mary, would you please pass the water to Alec?&lt;/em&gt; That could be perfectly pronounced as it would be in their language, but in English it still may come across as odd, since our names don't change their sound based on usage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How you respond&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That background wasn't just a long digression — knowing what variety is possible in names, how people interact with regards to &quot;foreign-sounding&quot; names, and what you're capable of learning to say and what is impossible  are the fundamentals you need to know so you can know what it is—and what it isn't—reasonable to ask and to expect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to worry too much about case &quot;1.a&quot; above — people with experience, understanding and generosity. They'll help you and appreciate when you express interest in pronouncing their name as correctly as possible. Whether it's by coaching you, giving you an &quot;easy&quot; nickname to use, or giving forebearance to many varied butcherings of their name, they'll help you without too much trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People in case &quot;2&quot; above — people new to being around native English speakers — will probably still be feeling things out and won't necessarily know either what it's reasonable to expect from native English speakers, nor what their priorities are. I'd be very explicit that I want to take as much time as they'd like (but no more!) to practice their name with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, explaining what the difficulty is—a particular sound, the length of the name, an unusual stress pattern, a consonant cluster that isn't possible in English—rather than just giving them the vague sense that their name is &quot;difficult&quot; — will help in setting expectations. Telling them you'd like to see their name written down, or that you'll need to practice for the next time you meet them, or that there's a particular sound that you know you'll never be able to produce — these are useful &lt;em&gt;to them&lt;/em&gt; as much as they are to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps the person will choose a nickname or a slight alteration when they learn some sound is hard for native English tongues. Or they'll have business cards at the ready, even at social events, so people can see the name written down and practice it later.  But in the meantime, they can enter their name into your phone, or you can ask if you can take a quick video of them saying their own name so you can practice on your own time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the one impulse I've heard that I'd firmly steer you away from: &lt;strong&gt;don't suggest a new (nick)name for someone that's &lt;em&gt;easier for you&lt;/em&gt; to pronounce.&lt;/strong&gt; And &lt;em&gt;definitely&lt;/em&gt; don't make up a nickname on your own initiative and start calling them by it. That is &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; rude! If they want help finding an acceptable alternative name, they will ask. A person's name is, quite literally, their identity, and &lt;em&gt;you have no right to alter it without permission.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that brings us to the difficult case, &quot;1.b&quot; above: those who know their name is &quot;hard&quot;, but for whatever reason, refuse to help you reach an acceptable middle ground. In this case, you can only try your best, but if by the third or fourth meeting, you still haven't got it and still aren't getting any assistance, you'll just have to shrug and accept that you're going to continue to mispronounce their name, and they're going to continue not to like it—to do otherwise is just going to upset you and/or reward passive-aggressiveness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thankfully, in my experience, such people aren't ones you want to spend a lot of time addressing directly anyway!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20060" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T01:09:38.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-20T03:06:33.267" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My two cents: One thing to consider (that is touched upon in many other answers here) is that the person in question may not &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to be called by the pronunciation of their name in its original language, and would prefer an Anglicization. I would imagine this is more common for first-generation folk like myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, I introduce myself using the local translation (i.e. American English) of my name, and typically it doesn't go past that. Sometimes, closer acquaintances or friends will ask me &quot;how my name is &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; pronounced.&quot; I typically will demonstrate such, but mention that I prefer the &quot;American&quot; pronunciation. Occasionally people who pronounce my name incorrectly (both from its native language and my preferred &quot;translation&quot;) will apologize and try and correct after hearing someone else pronounce my name the way I prefer it, but I just re-assure them it's not a big deal and I don't really care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20066" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T03:06:33.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16761" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-20T03:48:36.583" Score="7" ViewCount="1904" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently found out that my brother spanks his son, who is four. I overheard my parents talking about a recent incident where my brother spanked his child. I don't know any details other than the fact that the spanking occurred and it's not the first time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Growing up, my parents spanked my brothers and I occasionally. This was usually done after a warning, and usually by the other parent (so the angry parent wasn't doing the spanking). Usually, but not always. I presume that my brother and his wife follow a similar pattern, but I don't know. He is not an angry or violent person, and clearly loves his child very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While these spankings were infrequent and never resulted in physical damage requiring medical attention, this doesn't minimize the severity of the mental and emotional trauma that it can cause. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mentioned in passing to my partner that my brother had spanked his child, and she reacted very strongly. While on my own I had long since concluded that spanking children is wrong, she helped me understand just how traumatizing and damaging it can be. While it was her concern which made me think more deeply about this, I am also now deeply concerned about the potential impact spanking could have on the child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I believe it is my responsibility as someone who loves my brother and his child to say something to him about this. How can I have a conversation with him about this?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional details:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother and I are not close -- we see each other perhaps once every month or so. We have had some difficult conversations in the past and it is generally awkward and uncomfortable for both of us. I am concerned that depending on how I handle this, he may be more upset that I would say something (as &lt;strong&gt;I don't have children&lt;/strong&gt;), or it may just be so uncomfortable that nothing I say really gets across. I'm also concerned about losing my nerve and missing a chance to say something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20068" LastEditorUserId="20068" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T18:42:53.267" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T00:18:55.953" Title="How can I talk to my brother about spanking his child?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;children&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16761" CreationDate="2018-07-20T05:07:38.603" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, first of all:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think that you can prepare a conversation like this. Your brother can response as he want and you can't plan that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could start by talking about your childhood and ask what he propably want to do &quot;better&quot; than your parents. If he won't mention the spanking, just ask him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be kind and try to understnad him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like you say: &lt;em&gt;..that it can cause..&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;..it can be..&lt;/em&gt;.&#xA;It could be a terrible way to damage his child or it could change nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't stay in your opinion and get angry, thats very important. Otherwise this conversation could end worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Talk normaly and don't force to get to this topic.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Be polite and try to understand him&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Say what you think, but stay in a positive mood. Dont force him to get on your &quot;side&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. If you notice that he wan't change his mind. Stop talking and maybe try it anoter time&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5. If he understands you, show him other ways to &lt;em&gt;address his child's unwanted behavior.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This actually worked in my case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this answer could help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15711" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T05:07:38.603" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16764" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16761" CreationDate="2018-07-20T05:30:27.623" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;That is a difficult question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People may get angry when they are criticized about something as personal as how they treat their own child. So tread lightly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would talk to him without your partner. I would start out with finding a specific situation. No generalization. No accusation. Just a description of what happened. E.g. &quot;John, the last time we were over to your place I noticed that you slapped Jeremy, when he screamed too loudly.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I would add a sentence about how that made you feel. &quot;When I saw this I felt sad and concerned for Jeremy.&quot; Lastly, I would say what your fears are. &quot;I am afraid that it will have a negative impact on Jeremy in the future.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An approach like this will make you quite vulnerable and it is hard to approach it that way but maybe it decreases the chances to offend. It's much easier to criticize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you do not seem to have a specific situation like this you could approach it more generally: &quot;John, when we were kids, I remember that one day our father slapped me when I came home too late. It made me feel afraid and helpless back then. Today I feel sad that he did this to me and I have a distant relationship to him. I am estranged from my parents. It's sad because I wished it would have been different. Now that we grew up and you have your own child I am concerned about his future as well. How do you handle that? Do you spank Jeremy?&quot;. And then go from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Case in point, I have not talked to my parents in years. Back then it was a violent childhood. It had a major negative impact on me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20073" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T00:18:55.953" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T00:18:55.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16765" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16441" CreationDate="2018-07-20T06:03:52.847" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I saw this question and was preparing myself to write up a fairly standard answer to this, given that I also have a close female friend.  But I realised that, unfortunately for you, my situation is very different.  I don't wrestle with my female friend (even as part of a wrestling class), I don't meet up with her to hang out every week, I don't have long phone conversations every single day with her, and I don't book holidays away with her and share a room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really hate to do this, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with a man having a female friend outside of their relationship.  But I think the time you devote to this one friend exclusive of all other people sounds like too much, to the extent that it is harming, or is very likely to harm, your marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice, set out in multiple points is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make it absolutely clear to your wife that she is welcome at every wrestling practice if she would like to come, &lt;em&gt;including&lt;/em&gt; the one-on-one wresting practices with your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make it explicitly clear to your wife that even though you hang out with your friend without her, you would be keen for the three of you to hang out together, if not every time then at least sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Strongly consider not sharing a room on your holiday with your friend.  I don't know about your wife or your culture but many would find it inappropriate.  Some would find it inappropriate even with a male friend, though there is definitely a difference based on sex.  Willingness to share a bedroom with a member of the opposite sex makes a lot of implications and in things like this, appearance matters.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ensure that the time spent on the phone to your friend or hanging out with your friend is not at the expense of attention given to your wife, as that can breed resentment and shows priorities that are not consistent with a marriage.  For example, if your wife wants to do something with you, and your friend calls, don't take a long call and thus blow off what your wife wanted to do.  You need to be able to say &quot;hey can I call back?  ___ and I are watching TV&quot; for example.  In fact you shouldn't even need to say what your wife and you are doing.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Compromise is going to need to be made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note however that if you don't really &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; your wife coming along to the wrestling practice, or occasionally hanging out with you when you meet up with your friend, or you don't find time with your wife as enjoyable as time with your friend, then you need to re-evaluate what both of these relationships mean to you.  What would life be like if you weren't with your wife?  In a hypothetical world where it wasn't allowable to both have your friend, and your wife which would you keep?  The purpose of asking this is not to suggest that you should not be able to have both your wife and your female friend, but to prompt you to evaluate what those relationships mean to you and how much you may be willing to compromise to keep them both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: after reading some of the other brilliant answers to this question, I feel as if my answer is not strong enough in its recommendations.  &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16446/8884&quot;&gt;This&lt;/a&gt; answer is spot-in.  To re-iterate the point of my previous paragraph, consider that if you do not compromise significantly you may not be able to keep your marriage - in fact you may even find yourself with neither.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8884" LastEditorUserId="8884" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T06:16:17.143" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T06:16:17.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16731" CreationDate="2018-07-20T06:38:19.653" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well - in your question two things stand out. Firstly, your landlady and her partner are facing a dire terminal situation. If you think about it, she will ultimately lose her partner, and then their life together will be gone. How important do you think this is to them? Can you try and empathise with this, because your expectations must be insignificant compared to their situation. Plainly they do not compare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, try and ask yourself how anyone can stop dogs from barking? It is obvious that you are not comfortable with dogs. Complaining about this is not making your situation any better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the current situation I do not think that you will be able to change the status quo by arguing for yourself, but perhaps you could reflect upon their awful future and help them by being as minimalist as possible in the short term. You have a future in as far as I can tell, and it is in your power to strive not to see or feel the shortcomings of others. Never lose sight of your own shortcomings - cast them behind you, respect their wishes and work with them by replying rather than expressing any opinion and the only in answer to some useful and necessary question. Best answer frivolous questions by silence - with a target result of a harmonious relationship which is mutual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not want to do this then I think that you should consider your situation, and either choose to let go and accept that you do not dictate how you spread your belongings in the property, or plainly look for alternative accommodation with plenty of space for spreading out - and no dogs. You chose to stay there, and it is you that has to change your situation and attitudes and not them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastEditorUserId="19168" LastEditDate="2018-07-21T18:26:09.127" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T18:26:09.127" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16731" CreationDate="2018-07-20T06:48:44.140" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If her default answer is 'No'. You have to be willing to walk away from the negotiation as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you tell your landlady that you think she's breaking the lease by telling you 'no', then she'll need to become more accommodating or possibly risk losing you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, if you're sharing the kitchen, sharing the bathrooms, etc. It's obvious that you're entitled to some storage area in those common areas (unless it specifically says otherwise in the contract). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And since she's breaking the contract, you have no obligation to remain, or even find a replacement for the lease. She'll need to find her own replacement and be more explicit about the conditions with that other person (otherwise, she's likely to lose him/her as well). And obviously, if she's honest about all the conditions, she'll probably need to offer a significant discount for her to convince someone to move in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're unsure about this, just visit your local legal aid, or any local government organization in charge of handling disputes between landlords and tenants (or between master tenants and subletters). They can help you recover your deposit and they can give you advice that's actually relevant to your local jurisdiction.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T06:48:44.140" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16768" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13464" CreationDate="2018-07-20T07:12:35.350" Score="1" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Blame it on your work. I'm sorry. My work pays for my internet connection. And I'm explicitly forbidden to share it with anyone else. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Blame it on your porn collection/&quot;nudist pictures&quot;. Tell them that since you're sharing your entire private media collection on your private network, it would be a bad idea to give your password to their kids (or to anyone else for that matter). &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Blame it on your lifestyle. Pass around a big bowl. Drop your phone in it. Ask that all your guests turn off their phones/tablets and drop them within the bowl during the duration of their visit (have some analog toys ready for the kids). When inviting guests over, you can advertise this custom to them so that they're not surprised when they show up. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Say 'No'. Don't excuse. Don't justify. Don't explain yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give them the password. Then change the password after they leave. You should be changing your password frequently anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T09:05:40.563" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T09:05:40.563" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16615" CreationDate="2018-07-20T08:44:26.433" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You'll probably find that they'll adjust their quantities &amp;amp; timings as they learn how their sales go. As a start-up, it seems they're making too much, or making it at the wrong times to optimise customer satisfaction &amp;amp; sales.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That can be customer-driven too - especially if they keep getting asked why the bread isn't fresh first thing in the morning, or if their morning sales drop off as people realise there's no point buying before lunch time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 'vote with your feet' variant saves you having to ask at all, if you really want to avoid the confrontation entirely.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you could just try buying at different times of the day, or even just walk past at different times - you can usually smell when the bread just came out of the oven.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My local baker, in the UK, makes a delicious Turkish bread which is similar to good French baguette, in as much as it really is only good when very fresh.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;They used to buy it in - 10:30 am it would arrive from another bakery still warm. They now make their own, but have learned the local community prefers to buy it in the afternoon, so it's at it's best for 'tea time'... so that's when they now make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10788" LastEditorUserId="10788" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T08:50:26.283" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T08:50:26.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16775" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16778" CreationDate="2018-07-20T09:25:47.877" Score="82" ViewCount="30517" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend has a habit of thinking of scenarios that will never happen and then asking me a question about them usually about our relationship and then getting upset if I don't answer correctly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One such example is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We were watching an episode of Doctor Who and she asked, If we were both married until we were 80 then you were made into a 20 year old body again would you still love me forever even after I died?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now of course this is never going to happen and I said well I don't know and its possible I would eventually love someone else I mean I could live for a really long time after you died if I was 20 again and she was 80.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This upset her and she said I should stay alone forever after she died and should never love someone else even many years after. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am 23 and she is 19 if that helps and we have been together 8 months.&#xA;How can I tell her that I don't like these kind of hypothetical questions, without resorting to corny eternal-lover's oaths?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16197" LastEditorUserId="16197" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T09:49:54.077" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T17:36:39.337" Title="How to tell girlfriend that I don't like hypothetical and silly questions?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="20" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-20T09:46:24.507" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from England, my name is &quot;Mark&quot;.  Fairly simple as far as names go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With certain groups of friends from India and from Eastern Europe, this gets mispronounced (to my ear), sounding like &quot;Mike&quot; or &quot;Merk&quot; or &quot;Mark-s&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, it isn't a problem and I'd be surprised if I'm not butchering their names considerably worse than they are doing to mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For &quot;difficult&quot; names in a multi-national group of people, we normally shorten them (e.g. for 30-letter Indian names) or use a nickname / localised name (e.g. for Chinese names).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone's name is so strange to everyone that they all repeatedly butcher it massively when they try to say it, that person will rather quickly prefer to be addressed by a nickname or &quot;localised pronounciation&quot; of their name, I'd expect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5212" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T09:46:24.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16775" CreationDate="2018-07-20T10:00:38.343" Score="159" Body="&lt;h2&gt;She is playing a game&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;strong&gt;play along&lt;/strong&gt; and try to find the answer she is expecting. Even better, find an answer that she is not expecting, but that surprise her in a good way or make her laugh. This is how you win at this &lt;strong&gt;game&lt;/strong&gt;, not by telling the boring truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your answer could have been :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would love you even more, because I have to confess I love grannys&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's impossible because if you die before me, I would die of sadness and loneliness. The age doesn't matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These kind of games are just a way for her to make you tell her how important she is for you, how much you love her. And I think it's funnier this way than just asking &amp;quot;Do you love me?&amp;quot;. By telling an answer that is not the truth, you are not lying, you are courting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit because of &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/2511/what-is-the-difference-between-not-answering-a-question-and-posting-a-frame-chal/2515#2515&quot;&gt;Frame challenge&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As well observed in a comment, this answer is not answering the question directly: I'm not giving any advice on how to make these questions stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that you don't like these questions because you feel you have the choice between lying and making her upset. If you agree with my answer, you will start to enjoy this game. Indeed, you can make her happy and you can have fun trying to find intelligent and funny answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you don't need to make her stop anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11498" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T12:59:20.957" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16780" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16775" CreationDate="2018-07-20T10:07:40.183" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;By asking this question, your girlfriend seems to need to be reassured about your feelings for her. Beyond the hypothetical nature of her questions, she's asking for the strength of your love towards her. This may surprise you, as you may be repeating her that you love her, or offering gifts to her, or cuddling frequently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to ask her to stop&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd go for a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;NonViolent Communication&lt;/a&gt;-based solution (NVC). Establish &lt;strong&gt;how you feel&lt;/strong&gt;, what makes you feel that way (&lt;strong&gt;the trigger&lt;/strong&gt;), and what you want to &lt;strong&gt;achieve&lt;/strong&gt;. Do not sound judgmental, for it may offend her and the conversation would block. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example of how it could go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice, the questions about my love for you in hypothetical situations you're oftentimes asking makes me feel uncomfortable. I would rather like to focus on how I can prove you my love right now, because I don't know how to do it in such situations. Would you be interesting in [doing whatever you're doing together and makes you happy] and do you think about anything else you would like to do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you do not blame her and it eases to find a compromise that would suit you both. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to reassure her&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, if you see no sign of jealousy from her (which could explain her need to be reassured), then it may be that you two are speaking &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.5lovelanguages.com/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;different love languages&lt;/a&gt;. If you're not familiar with the theory, Gary Chapman theorized the idea that people have different ways to express their love and to feel loved. There's actually 5 ways, according to him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Words of affirmation&lt;/strong&gt;. Frequently telling your SO you love her, how important she is to you, in a nutshell, verbal communication. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Acts of service&lt;/strong&gt;. Offering her to do some chore, helping her by going grocery shopping if it needs to be done and she has something else to do, and so on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Receiving gifts&lt;/strong&gt;. She's the happiest woman when you offer her the new book from her favorite author, or a tool she was planning to buy, etc. She feels loved by the gifts you're offering her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Quality time&lt;/strong&gt;. If she's complaining that she never sees you, it may be her love language. She gives importance to have dinner together, go on dates oftentimes, spend the weekend at home and not plan to see anyone, aso.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Physical touch&lt;/strong&gt;. She asks for hugs, wants you to cuddle her. She seeks physical contact.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chapman offers a test you can take to both know what's your love language and hers. You may be trying to show her your love with your own love language, but if it differs from hers, well, it may be as difficult as for an English-speaking person to understand Chinese out of the blue! By understanding how she feels loved and practicing her love language, you may get her to definitely stop asking those questions (which is what you're trying to achieve if I'm right). I'd suggest you take a look at it, for it may improve your relationship anyway (or confirm that you already have the most pertinent way to make her feel loved).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T12:25:15.467" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T12:25:15.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16775" CreationDate="2018-07-20T10:47:56.587" Score="78" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a classic misunderstanding between two people who may have differing personality types. Even though &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; perspective is that she is taking an impossible, hypothetical question too seriously, from &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; perspective it is &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; that is not treating the real, emotional side of it seriously enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For her, there is real human element in her question - your love for her. She is just using a hypothetical question to try and tap into your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is interesting that you mention you were watching &lt;em&gt;Doctor Who&lt;/em&gt; when this happened. Perhaps you included this detail because she drew her inspiration for the question from the Doctor's ability to regenerate in the fictional show. But what I find interesting is that you enjoy that fictional show, but you don't enjoy her take on the concept. Speaking personally, I find that when belief is suspended in TV shows or films it often draws us in and warms us to characters more than &quot;real life&quot; drama can, and then when there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; real life drama in such a story it can affect us on an emotional level &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt;. I've lived through some real tough times in my life and stayed strong, but I cry like a baby every time I see K9 get blown up in &lt;em&gt;School Reunion&lt;/em&gt;. Fictitious or hypothetical situations can clearly tap into our emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get why you don't like hypothetical questions - because they can only be answered hypothetically, and many people find that meaningless. Yet it seems your lack of an answer is troubling your girlfriend. She likely sees them as a window into your true feelings, and that you are avoiding sharing your feelings for her. Your girlfriend may also be a little insecure and seeking reassurance. If she finds it difficult getting reassurances from you then she may also be using imaginary scenarios like this because of your interest in sci-fi, hoping to tap into your emotions via something you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than tell her you don't like these questions and don't want them, you'd be better discussing your reasons for struggling to answer them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The other day you asked me a question about [x] and you got upset when I didn't answer it very well. The truth is I find it hard to say what I would do in situations that aren't real. If the question isn't real then the answer isn't real either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it is time for some honesty. Tell her how you feel about her. I'm not going to put these words in your mouth. But once you've reassured her, go on to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd rather you ask me real questions about how I feel. Then I can give you a real answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T12:47:45.807" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T12:47:45.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16784" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16792" CreationDate="2018-07-20T12:22:19.667" Score="6" ViewCount="940" Body="&lt;p&gt;My parents have been supportive of my education for my entire life. I lucked out and the field of interest to me just so happens to be a very high paying field.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently finished my formal education and got a really well paying job. I am really grateful for all that my parents did for me and I would like to somehow share with them my success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not think that my parents would be happy if I simply give them a percentage of my salary. My salary is greater than both of my parents' combined and I would like to help them out in some way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is hard for me to know what they &quot;need&quot;. They don't live paycheck to paycheck and they do have hobbies that cost a bit but they do not own a house or go on expensive vacations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to thank them for providing me during my studies. How can I ask them how I could help them financially?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20094" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-07-22T07:42:05.327" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T11:01:34.140" Title="How can I tell my parents I'd like to help them financially after getting a very well paid job?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16787" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16790" CreationDate="2018-07-20T15:07:17.593" Score="8" ViewCount="1244" Body="&lt;p&gt;I (male) recently started a very corporate job. I'm a recent grad so I'm younger than most of my coworkers, most of which are married/have kids. I get along pretty well with all of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is another recent hire, also a recent grad, who is the exception to this. He hasn't said anything hostile or derisive to me, but his behavior specifically toward me is kind of &lt;em&gt;cold&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He gets perceptibly annoyed when I try to join group conversations in which he is involved. He never asks for any elaboration when I tell stories (but he does when others regale him). He seems to avoid asking me for help when he goes around asking some coworkers when he's stuck, even on things he knows me to be good at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't the slightest idea what I've done to make him act this way toward me. I want to ask him to find out, but I don't want to exacerbate the tension. I think it would be a little melodramatic to approach my boss about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I bring this up with my coworker?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2076" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T15:23:14.983" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T13:39:09.690" Title="How to ask a coworker if (and why) they don't like me?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16787" CreationDate="2018-07-20T16:44:02.643" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You must be aware that you cannot change this behaviour towards you. It is for this other colleague to change because you are already doing everything that you can to make things better. Plainly it appears that this colleague is not behaving appropriately towards you, and also it is evident that it is worrying for you and matters a lot to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing that you can do is stay in each offensive moment with yourself and in this way overcome your perceptions about them. It may be that you will discover that some of this is self afflicted, but in either case if it stops mattering to you - the other person will give up being unpleasant eventually, because they will see that there is no reaction from you. Steer yourself towards the co-workers that share their time with you equally and normally. It is your feelings, the feelings of apprehension, of doubt and of confidence that have to change in order for this to stop mattering to you or worrying you. Free yourself of these feelings even if they run deep within you - and do not try to repair things by over reacting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T16:44:02.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16761" CreationDate="2018-07-20T16:44:36.217" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some facts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don't know how often or under what circumstances your brother spanks his child. You think it's important to tell him not to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don't have children or parenting experience&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your partner raised the suggestion that you should contact him out of the blue to make sure he's not parenting wrongly. You think that's a good idea. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me suggest a better approach than trying to correct his wrongness. Tell him that you and your partner were discussing parenting styles as part of planning your future together. Say that she is very strongly against spanking. Then ask &quot;do you find you are able to raise [childname] entirely without spanking?&quot; Depending on the answer you get, ask more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may find your brother never spanks, and has lots of great ways to handle things instead. Success: not only does he not need your unsolicited advice, he is going to be a great source of advice to you! [But wait, someone told you he definitely did and not for the first time? Well, that may or may not be true.]&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may find your brother admits that even though he doesn't think spanking is good, he has done it when tired, frustrated, or whatever. Clearly taking him aside to tell him it's not good will be pointless: he knows that and wishes he had other strategies. Unless you have some, which is unlikely, you can just be a supportive and caring sibling and encourage him to keep looking for alternatives, or to notice before frustration gets too high, etc. Obviously from a gentle and tender perspective: you haven't been through this yourself, so it's hard to know what you would do or how you would feel.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may find your brother thinks spanking is terrific, and wishes more people would do it, and tells you how well it works etc. You can gently ask &quot;but what about&quot; kind of questions, drawing on your own childhood, to try to show him another perspective. He may even ask you &quot;well what would you do instead?&quot; and it would be good if you had an answer, not just &quot;my partner told me spanking is really bad and nobody should do it.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may lead to you and your brother being able to talk about your shared childhood, the good and the bad, and to being a source of advice and support for each other - both directions! That's so much better than you, a nonparent, stopping by to lecture him that he's Doing It Wrong with nothing more to offer than &quot;make sure you don't spank your child.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-07-20T18:55:50.630" LastActivityDate="2018-07-20T18:55:50.630" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16784" CreationDate="2018-07-20T16:56:44.107" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is not easy to approach this subject of giving money to your parents because you have it - It could be interpreted as showing off, rubbing it in their faces. Also, if your parents take pride in taking care of themselves, they could decline it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I think that one of the best ways to give money is to give it as a gift for a set purpose.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, give them a gift of money for &lt;strong&gt;taking a holiday/vacation&lt;/strong&gt; together- maybe with you, maybe without you? I noted that you said that &lt;strong&gt;they do not own a house or go on vacations.&lt;/strong&gt; This would be a great opportunity for you to give a vacation to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello (mom) and (dad), I wanted to express to you how much I love you and how grateful I am of your support, and I wanted to give you a gift- please take this money so that you can go on that holiday/vacation together! It would be a wonderful gift to me if you go and enjoy yourself, and I do not mind at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another case is that you want to &lt;strong&gt;support their living costs&lt;/strong&gt;, along with what they have. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey (mom) and (dad), I wanted to know if I can help with paying X or Y bill? I know that you both are able to, and I do not want to take over any of your finances. The thing is, I am so grateful of your support when I was going through school, that I want to give back to you. May I help with this? I want us all to grow closer, and in this way, I feel I am closer to you because I love you very much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Noted also is that they do not own a house. Do they want to? Maybe you can &lt;strong&gt;discuss with them about helping to put aside money for buying a house for living in and/or for vacation?&lt;/strong&gt; This would show them you care very much and want to see them cared for well as they cared for you, because you are able to now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If they decline these points, maybe treating them to a nice dinner out, or give them gift cards for special things they like- a spa day for your mother, a favorite sport game tickets for your father.&lt;/strong&gt; Those are only general ideas to get you started. Maybe ask them what they would like for their birthday or the next gift-giving occasion?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Emphasis on being grateful and you loving them and wanting to give back is important here, so that they know that you are giving in kindness, and not in the intent of taking over anything. If they are not up for receiving money for the everyday bills, then the holiday/vacation option is a good way to give back.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-07-22T03:36:28.647" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T03:36:28.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16793" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-20T18:32:29.393" Score="5" ViewCount="576" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't believe this question or an answer is specific to OKCupid, but that's the particular platform I have been using in case there are any answers/advice that is specific to that site.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In OKCupid sending messages is asynchronous in the sense that you might send a message to some one and they won't be notified or see it unless they independently come across your profile and &quot;like&quot; you back. So, I assume it is quite common to have sent multiple messages out to many people before getting any responses. And then even once you've started talking to some one, you might carry on multiple conversation with multiple people on the site at any given time, especially since you might not know if you actually want to meet even a single time until you've had a chance to chat online a bit first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My situation: I'm monogamous, and I've been chatting with a couple of people who are also marked as being monogamous on the site, both of whom I'm fairly interested in, enough that I'd go on at least a first date with. And while there's not yet been any talk with anyone about actually being in a relationship yet, nor have I yet gone on a date with any of them, I want to be as honest and forthright as anyone would expect me to. I don't want to hurt or betray anyone's trust and end up in a situation from some sitcom where some character is actually dating multiple people at the same time. I want to make sure I've done the right things by people when the time comes. And I don't want to just prematurely cut some one off completely especially if it becomes clear very quickly that things won't work with another person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question: When and how should I tell some one I've been talking to on an online dating site that I'm now seeing some one else when all parties involved consider themselves monogamous? What is common courtesy in these situations? How is it commonly handled?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as I have a first date scheduled with some one, after that date happens? When a second date is scheduled? When I'm more formally in a relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at all possible I'd like to do so in a way that doesn't cut off all possibility of dating the person in the future. After all, if I date some one and realize it's not going to work after a date or two, or even further down the line, I'd then be interested in continuing to talk to and possibly date some one I was already interested in and had talked to. But of course I wouldn't want that second person, when I tell them or later if I tried to restart talking with them after having dated some one else for a bit, to feel like they were just a &quot;backup choice&quot;. And I'd prefer not to just ghost some one I was talking to and leave them wondering why I suddenly stopped talking to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="395" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T08:05:48.167" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T08:05:48.167" Title="What is the etiquette about how/when to Stop Conversation with other matches when dating online?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;online-relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-20T20:11:01.707" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16799" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-20T23:09:36.823" Score="-1" ViewCount="414" Body="&lt;p&gt;I happened to engage in a discussion with my partner about a topic that we both think we know about. In this discussion she initially made statements that were not my opinion, and that I at that point&#xA;believed to be wrong. The problem there was that the discussion was about a music genre, which is something that is more difficult to argue about than laws of nature, for example. Of couse there is less of a right or wrong on certain statements, but I wouldn't go as far and say that there is no right or wrong there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The discussion continued and we both explained our opinion on the subject. I was carefull to tell her what parts of her explanations I did find convincing, but also, afterwards, what parts where still needed for me to approve her opinion. I was not convinced, and I said so. Eventually, the discussion became more heated, and then she made a statement that to my eyes at that point was 1. Completely wrong and formally disprovable by simple facts (that we both knew), 2. To my eyes diminishing the music of a Music-Group I really like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I quickly looked up the facts to be sure, and stated them, as I thought that those would prove me right. She then became angry, and accused me to never be moving in an argument, and be pushing her, and be trying to &quot;win against her&quot; everytime we have a discussion. &#xA;Of course the situation made me angry, and after a while kind of helpless, because I realize I can't know I'm right. I'm kind of caught in my own (possibly wrong-thinking) mind, and as mutch as I'd like to know I'm right, I can't. So how do I cope with this situation? In the process of thinking about this happenings, serveral questions arrose to me that I'd like to post here: As they are all related to this happening, I want to state them all, so it is clear what I'm thinking about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Question 1: How can I accept that my Partner has a different Opinion? Especially when she bases her opinion on seemingly unlogical reasoning, that I not only do not understand, but furthermore feel to be &quot;wrong&quot; in a formally logical sense&lt;/em&gt; What seems to be so easy with stranger people on the street becomes a big problem with people who I'm closer with. I'd like to respect her opinions, and not be bothered, if she displays reasoning that has some mistakes, but I am bothered, and here is why: &#xA;I feel that in those situations, my partner is being an irrational person, that I feel can't understand my way of thinking about things. I'd like to rely on her, and to have faith in her being able to understand me in situations where I need her to understand me, or in situations that we both have to decide something together. This faith is broken in situations where I feel she isn't thinking in the same rational way I do think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to have answers to the question taking into the account the assumption that I AM formally right, and my partner is not. I am well aware of that it might be otherwise, but I'd like to treat the cases where I might not be right in the further questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Question 2: How can I express that I have an other opinion, without at the same time demanding her to give up on her own opinion&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;Let' say I acknowledge she has an other opinion on the subject, for example because I'm not sure that I in fact am right. As I am not yet convinced by her position, I'd like to let her know what arguments are still there, that speak against her position. I want state to her the obstacles, that are still in my way to actually tell her she's right.&#xA;Furthermore it would feel like lying to just give in and tell her she's right, when in fact I still have my own opinion on the topic. It's kind of a status update &quot;where we are&quot;, to tell her by what points I'm not yet convinced. &#xA;&lt;em&gt;She perceives this constant feedbacks as an attempt I make to disprove her opinion, and I'd like to know what I can do so she stops thinking that.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last Question adresses my general insecurity on being right: My Partner accuses me of being stubborn, hard to convince, and just wanting to &quot;win&quot; the discussion. Of course my impression was that she did exactly the same things I did. While I'd really like to just think &quot;I'm right, she'll have to learn it&quot;, I can't think t hat. Because I can never know if I in fact am right, as well as I can't know I actually am &quot;just wanting to win the discussion&quot;. I can't think of an objectiv argument that would prove to to me (and, more important, to her!) that I'm right. Her head inside probably looks similar to mine. She's probably thinking &quot;I'm right, why doesn't he see this&quot;, as well, and I can't never know who actually is right or wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To cope with that, I try to stick to very formal logic, and communicate every little step of thought, in order for her to spot eventuall logical mistakes that I've made. I as well try to always state the initial assumptions that my arguments are based on, to see if we don't agree at those, for example. But besides that, &lt;em&gt;Question 3: How can I find out in the &quot;best way&quot; wether I'm actually trying to contribute to a thoughtful debate, or wether I just want to &quot;win the discussion&quot;. If I come to a conclusion, how can I show her  who of us is trying to win over whooom?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: Since I can only ask one question at a time, I'd like to know ask question 2 here: &lt;strong&gt;Question 2: How can I express that I have an other opinion, without at the same time demanding her to give up on her own opinion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: Her statement was along the lines of &quot;The music of a band is based on a machine machine that they built, and produced by this said machine&quot;. Which is not true since the first (and only album up until now) was produced in 2013, while the machine they became famous with &#xA;was finished and showed to the world in 2016. Of course I had a contradictory opinion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The general discussion was about wether the said band belonged to a certain musical genre. Her opinion was that the band belongs to a musical genre, because they have serveral machines on stage that produce part of the music. I think that the band doesn't belong to the musical genre, because employing machines is just kind of a weak indicitor for the musical genre. Furthermore, the overall sound of the band differs so mutch from other bands from that musical genre, and she is the only person I have ever heard to connect the band to this musical genre. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further Clarification: If I talk about different opinions here, I mean opinions and statements that can't coexist because they proof each other wrong. I'm aware that there are many cases, where in the end &quot;both people are right, in their respective view of the things&quot;. I'm explicitly not talking about this occasions here, but instead about 2 opinions, of which at MAX 1 is the right one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20130" LastEditorUserId="12606" LastEditDate="2018-07-21T08:24:46.563" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T23:35:18.060" Title="How to cope with a partner having different opinions and way of thinking in arguments" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-07-23T07:17:52.507" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16441" CreationDate="2018-07-21T01:51:03.057" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, if you don't know much about &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;polyamory&lt;/a&gt;, you may wish to do some reading. Certain people simply do not feel the need for exclusive emotional and sexual relationships, while others do. In fact some people find a need for one to be exclusive and not the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all likelihood, you and your wife are different in this respect, however, that does not mean your relationship can't work. But some compromise may be needed. That may involve large sacrifices on your part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to be careful with all this, as galloping off on a process of self-discovery can often lead to hurting people you're close to. It may feel good in the short term but you may have regrets later on. So I suggest you get ready to make some sacrifices. Remember your wife is being kind to say she will not stop you seeing Katie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You use the phrase &quot;&lt;em&gt;just friends&lt;/em&gt;&quot; as if it &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;has some clear-cut definition and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;makes everything OK. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a big fuzzy grey area between friends and lovers and two different people would understand the terms quite differently. In addition, even when you have an absolutely platonic friend there can be aspects of the friendship that your wife might object to, for instance if your friend is loud and obnoxious or is always borrowing your money and never paying you back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels like you are trying to find an argument you can use to shoehorn your relationship with Katie into an &quot;acceptable&quot; category (namely, &quot;just friends&quot;). Things aren't that simple. It may only be certain aspects of the situation that bother your wife. If you want to keep seeing Katie, get a better understanding of what your wife values, learn what makes her feel unhappy, unloved, abandoned, or jealous, and set up boundaries that she is comfortable with (erring on the side of caution). Do all you can to make her feel secure and special.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others have said that you can't change feelings. I don't altogether agree. Humans learn to manage and control our feelings as we mature. But this takes time and must be undertaken willingly. Many people have very strong views on monogamy so (once again) be prepared to make big sacrifices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11173" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T01:51:03.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16801" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13464" CreationDate="2018-07-21T01:56:52.767" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say that you whitelist the devices allowed to connect so letting them connect would involve you logging in to the admin console, looking up the mac address of the device that wants to connect and entering it in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they persist and press you to add the kids' device then clearly they won't take no for an answer so say you're paranoid about letting devices you don't have control over onto your network as you don't want any malware or something introduced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19030" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T01:56:52.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16761" CreationDate="2018-07-21T02:59:32.667" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to challenge your frame on this question.  I won't open for debate how disciplining is best done because I don't want the flames.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put yourself in his shoes: someone who he is not close to, who isn't really familiar with the situation of how he disciplines his child and had no children of his own, is offering his views on child-rearing.  If you were in his shoes, what would your response be?  (Hint: if your answer is &quot;I'd be open to the discussion&quot;, I'd suggest being more honest with yourself)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to really have a meaningful discussion is to have a level of authority with someone else.  I don't mean power, I mean authority.  What do you know of the subject?  What is your relationship?  What have you done to deserve to be heard?  Without having earned the respect of your listener, your odds of having attention paid to your views are minimal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T02:59:32.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16761" CreationDate="2018-07-21T03:49:28.350" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Your goal is not to change your brother's opinion.  Your goal is to give you brother more information, which will (hopefully) cause him to come to the same conclusions that you did.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start the conversation with your brother by saying that you mentioned that you had been spanked as a child to your partner, that she was strongly opposed to the practice and you want to know what he thinks of the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting the conversation this way is mildly duplicitous, because the discussion actually began about your brother's child being spanked rather than yourself, and because your goal is to convince your brother not to spank his child rather than to discuss the merits of spanking in abstract.  If your brother knows that you know that he spanks his child, you're probably better off being a little more honest.  But it allows you to start the conversation without immediately calling into question your brother's judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what, though, the message that you want to convey is that &lt;strong&gt;your partner gave you information that you didn't have before, and you want your brother to have that information as well.&lt;/strong&gt;  The decisions he makes based on that information is his own responsibility, and not something that you plan to question (even if you want to).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means, by the way, that when you go into this conversation, you need to be prepared to provide the information as clearly and completely as possible.  In particular, you should be able to provide suggestions as to where your brother can go to do his own research, if he wishes to further pursue the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T03:49:28.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16807" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16731" CreationDate="2018-07-21T05:13:09.877" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the landlady said, you are only renting a room. They are not obliged to provide you storage space at no extra cost. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the wc/toilets, if it belongs to your room and for your use only, you should be able to leave there personal stuff like your toothbrush and shoes. If it is shared, you usually use a purse and take back your utensils to your room. At most, people will leave there a bottle of shampoo, a soap, and towels, as they usually are wet. Often in a while &lt;em&gt;if you are lucky&lt;/em&gt;, you might get a drawer of your own in there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for shared space, &lt;em&gt;usually&lt;/em&gt; it is expected guests will make a minimal use of it, like storing some cutlery, food in the common storage areas/fridge, hanging their clothes in common areas, and maybe leaving the shoes of the day near the entrance. Not much more than that, except is the landlord allows for it, either for free or paid. It is also your duty to keep your belongings in the room, and keep it tidy and clean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for negotiations, they are usually done &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; moving, while you have bargaining power. At the moment, you are not offering anything in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The IPS solution here is either suggesting a token payment for your extra stuff, or when scouting the market for renting a room, saying &quot;This room is not fit for my needs as it is too small, but if I could get a bit of extra storage space...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I knew personally someone who managed to fit his two extra fridges in the house he was renting a room, because: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he negotiated for it before doing the contract; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he was renting the worse room - a sort of trade off for the fridges; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he was someone who had a soft tongue.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. I rented several rooms in my life, and never expected to store personal belongings outside my room. People that usually have such needs rent additional storage space somewhere else at a lower cost while they have to rent rooms. You are demanding such services at no extra cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS2. Obviously, another possible IPS solution is renting an apartment on your own and have all the space for yourself. More realistically, that is why often bachelor pads are highly sought after in the market, for not having to live in with landlords, and abide by their rules (e.g. landlords &lt;em&gt;are not roommates&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T20:05:04.800" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T20:05:04.800" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16731" CreationDate="2018-07-21T05:52:52.387" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've done a lot of housemate shares.   It doesn't really matter whether the person is the landlord or the &lt;em&gt;master tenant&lt;/em&gt; (the one who holds the lease and is bottom line responsible for ALL the rent being paid).  &lt;em&gt;I use the phrase &quot;master tenant&quot; to describe all shares where one person is master.  There's also an arrangement where  several housemates go in together to rent a house jointly as equals, but that doesn't apply when some are owners.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course everything is up for negotiation, but the bottom line is: &lt;strong&gt;Their house, their rules&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, you are digging yourself a hole and hurting your reputation with the house by struggling to argue over these rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's more, &lt;strong&gt;all housemate shares are &lt;em&gt;at-will&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; -- they don't owe you housing, you are in their shared living space, and if they don't like you, 30-day notice is traditional.  Even if your &lt;em&gt;town&lt;/em&gt; has rent control which prohibits eviction without cause, that does not apply to subtenants in a housemate share. &lt;em&gt;You are in their home&lt;/em&gt;.  Somebody mentioned how they need to work with you or risk losing you -- &lt;em&gt;no they don't. They really don't.&lt;/em&gt;  Housemates are expendable and replaceable.  Jerk housemates are super expendable.  It's a chore, but replacing a jerk is half pleasure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pursuing legal action is &lt;em&gt;out of the question&lt;/em&gt; because it will result in your eviction as rapidly as possible. No judge will force two strangers to share a house, if their interpersonal skills are so awful that they are suing.  Even if you found a viable claim, such as discrimination, the judge would &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; tell you to find another housemate share, and you would only get money damages.  &lt;strong&gt;If you can't be friendly, you can't be housemates.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally, housemate shares are &lt;em&gt;exactly what they say on the tin&lt;/em&gt;.  When you were interviewing for the space, did they hide or subdue the dogs so you didn't hear them?  I'm guessing not.  When you toured the bathroom, was their stuff in it?  I'm guessing so.  (and by the way, shared bathrooms are absolutely normal.) It's your job to be savvy in selecting housemate shares.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you are dealing with a master-tenant, you can request what you want, but you also need to respect that their word on the subject is final. Be respectful and deferential to their decision.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now as far as stuff -- collecting too many possessions is the American (Western?) pastime.  You have that problem, and perhaps so does your master tenant!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assure you, your idea that &quot;Anyone can throw stuff in commons space&quot; &lt;strong&gt;is not a standard housemate rule&lt;/strong&gt;.  In your eagerness to solve your immediate problem, &lt;em&gt;you have imagined this in your head&lt;/em&gt;.  That is not interpersonal relations, that is its absence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The actual rule is &quot;you can negotiate, but don't get high hopes of doing it casually or regularly&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Living in a housemate share is a lot like living in a tiny house. Rest assured: Every housemate has that same impulse to overcollect stuff. And has to fight the internal battles with oneself to learn to let go, and to pass up desirable items. So when you obliviously start stacking things up in commons space &lt;em&gt;because your room's full&lt;/em&gt;, they start thinking &quot;Why does he get to do that, and I don't?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they did, well, humans expand into the available space. Everyone would race to stuff the commons space to the gills, making a cluttery mess - by coincidence this is actually called &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tragedy_of_the_commons&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;the tragedy of the commons&quot;&lt;/a&gt;. Don't be &lt;a href=&quot;https://youtu.be/ltVtnCzg9xw?t=13m55s&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this fellow&lt;/a&gt;, who blunders because he doesn't know the impact of his actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Commons space is not yours for storage.  Your room is.&lt;/strong&gt;  And yeah, that means you need to make hard choices about stuff, particularly whether you want a room stacked with cardboard boxes, or a presentable space for friends and lovers.  Several times I have resorted to renting &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;two&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; rooms, one for my stuff.  I've also rented a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.publicstorage.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;storage unit&quot;&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically you also get a shelf in the bathroom medicine cabinet (yes, sharing bathrooms is par for the course in housemate shares) and shelves in the kitchen for your food.  Fridges and freezers are sometimes catch-as-catch-can, but that does not entitle you to hog the space with a CostCo run or side of beef.  There can also be rules about cooking, so ask before doing messy or stinky cooking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be occasional, common-sense exceptions; a bicycle is the most typical example if a suitable garage space exists. These are the exception, not the rule, and you must always obtain permission/agreement.  Even in a joint/equal share situation, you can't just &quot;do stuff&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2018-07-21T08:32:18.857" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T08:32:18.857" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16799" CreationDate="2018-07-21T06:47:07.623" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question seems based on some very specific details which it's hard for me to get my head around in the very general terms in which it is presented. So, I'll acknowledge that my presumptions may be incorrect, and some of my suggestions may not apply to you and your partner at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I think I'm largely siding with your girlfriend on this, based on the question as written. Your question 2 is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I express that I have an other opinion, without at the same time demanding her to give up on her own opinion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This goal absolutely does not require either person to be convinced by the other. Accomplishing this goal only needs something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, [name of partner], I don't find your arguments convincing and so I disagree.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it! No need to prolong the conversation, no need for either person to be convinced or for either person's arguments to be defeated. Her opinion is certainly not something for you to approve. &lt;strong&gt;By insisting that only one person is right, &lt;em&gt;and also&lt;/em&gt; demanding that that person be identified, right now, &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; that you are the sole arbiter in making that determination, you likely &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; being stubborn and trying to win the argument.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation you describe is about as low-stakes as it gets. You're not discussing which wire to cut to stop a bomb from going off. If you are already in possession of a set of logical arguments which you feel are internally consistent, complete, and persuasive then it is unclear to me how indulging a preference for being explicitly acknowledged as correct (assuming, as per the question, that you in fact are correct) could be classified as anything other than stubbornness and a need to win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you absolutely must continue these arguments, what can you do?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see a few options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First&lt;/strong&gt;, examine your own arguments with as much aggressive skepticism as you can muster. In my debate team days I became all too familiar with the tendency to overestimate the quality of one's own argumentation. If your arguments have any gaps or assumptions which cannot be formally proven then your correctness &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; be ascertained. So a stance along the lines of &quot;I'm not convinced, but I can't prove my own case&quot; is appropriate. Even if you feel your argument is solid, it's easy to mistake &lt;em&gt;internal consistency&lt;/em&gt; with actual correctness. And the fact that you are convinced isn't worth anything-- it's tautological (and therefore an invalid argument) that you believe you are correct because you can observe yourself believing that you are correct. It's easier to be less argumentative when you recognize that demonstrating that the other person is wrong does &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; mean that you yourself are right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second&lt;/strong&gt;, establish the &lt;strong&gt;requirements of proof&lt;/strong&gt; before discussing arguments and then respect them. Your example of &quot;employing machines is just kind of a weak indicator for the musical genre&quot; is a great example of a terrible debate position. It equivocates (&lt;em&gt;kind of&lt;/em&gt; a &lt;em&gt;weak indicator&lt;/em&gt;?), and essentially concedes that that indicator is valid, just not a clearly definitive one. It also suggests that you were having two separate discussions: she was assuming that the indicator was valid and basing her argument on that, while you were assuming that it is not. The discussion which addresses this is &lt;em&gt;whether or not that indicator defines the musical genre&lt;/em&gt;, and until that is settled the &quot;main&quot; argument can't be approached by either party in the discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The overall sound of the band relative to other musical groups is distinct from that, and unless you are both formally defining what the sound of a band &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; it's easy to talk past each other. If your position is that they use atonal, syncopated rhythms, which other bands do not, and hers is that the pattern of harmonies between band members and musical themes are similar to the defining groups of a genre, but you are both vaguely describing those as the band's &quot;sound&quot;, how could you ever understand, let alone convince, each other? A common set of definitions makes a &quot;competitive&quot; discussion possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also often the case that, even where detailed arguments can be made, a correct position does not exist or is not identifiable. All you have in such cases is that you find your position convincing and, as above, that you find your own position convincing is meaningless as argumentation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third&lt;/strong&gt;, you can recognize that she may not care enough to formally explore her position in her mind before making an idle comment, and/or that she may not be &lt;em&gt;articulate enough&lt;/em&gt; to express her position clearly. These are both common, especially in cases where people are not intending to get into a debate or become heated. Conversations usually happen too fast for people to go through exhaustive, sequential examinations of every comment or passing thought, and some people have trouble expressing ideas precisely. Even if you understand what she's saying, you may not understand what she &lt;em&gt;means to say&lt;/em&gt;. So treating her like a hostile witness you are cross-examining to find holes in her position may be too strong a posture. Asking lots of questions to pin down her exact position could feel like that to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Fourth&lt;/strong&gt;, you can let her drive the discussion. If she says something and you don't agree, you can just say that you don't agree. If she asks you why, you can summarize your case. If you're curious about why she holds an opinion, you can ask her the same and then &lt;em&gt;stop&lt;/em&gt; once you've heard her explanation. &lt;strong&gt;You don't need to attack her arguments or undermine her position to know what she thinks.&lt;/strong&gt; If you offer arguments when she asks for them, rather than hurling them at her and requiring that she account for herself at your own whim, it will go a long way towards addressing her complaints.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Final note:&lt;/strong&gt; a bit of humility on your part will probably be valuable. I know that you asked for this to be omitted in your question (hence this as a note at the end), but your position as laid out (let's assume that only one person is correct, that you are that person, and are &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; correct) is absurd. That's not a violation of the &quot;be nice&quot; policy, but a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.dictionary.com/browse/absurd?s=t&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;strict usage&lt;/a&gt; of the word. Especially when you note some insecurity about being correct on your part. Epistemology being what it is, your positions are always going to be that you &lt;em&gt;feel you are correct&lt;/em&gt; based on the evidence you have perceived and the consideration you have given that evidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you are confident that you have done a thorough job, the position that you &lt;em&gt;are definitely correct&lt;/em&gt; is generally hard to formally defend. Look at the example case you posted for an excellent instance of a position that can only be correct or incorrect based on the specific criteria used to make the assessment, a (seeming) lack of precision in how correctness could even be determined, and a (seeming) lack of agreement on those standards. Treating this as a case in which you simply &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; correct, beyond question or reproach, suggests that some re-calibration may be in order on your part. You may find your goals easier to achieve after dropping the presumption of absolute correctness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-07-21T07:03:08.533" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T07:03:08.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16775" CreationDate="2018-07-21T10:25:02.410" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to share another perspective. Legisey's answer is fine if you just want to avoid to make here upset, but by adjusting your answer to what she wants to hear, you are actively  hiding a piece of  yourself and denying her a possibility to understand you better. Of course, you don't have to show a partner every bit of yourself, but I think there is a risk of hiding too much of yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the example you gave it sounds like you have different views on love. This is perfectly fine, but if you're in a serious relationship you might want to understand each others perspectives. The scenario in the example is obviously not realistic, but the possibility of one of you dying much earlier than the other is very much real.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to show her your views in a less &quot;offensive&quot; way could be to flip the question and tell her how you would like her to react if it were the other way around. For example, you could have answered with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't know. If it were the other way around and I died long before you, I wouldn't want you to be lonely for the rest of your life. I think I would be glad if you eventually found someone else to love, as long as you were happy. What do you think?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this might work, because things that she might think are egoistic if you do them is more likely to be perceived as romantic if you wish her to do them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11132" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T10:25:02.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16813" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-21T13:31:51.397" Score="5" ViewCount="579" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend who wants to get into software development asked me to refer him to my company. I had a look at his CV and he is unlikely to even get an interview ( lack of skills, lots of spelling mistakes that he won't correct ). Is it ethical for me to just not forward his CV and tell him he has been rejected ? We had a recruiter send over an unqualified interviewee before and I remember my boss giving them a stern talking because it was a waste of time. If the same thing happens with my friend that will be viewed as lack of judgement on my part&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20147" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T05:00:32.420" Title="Friend asking for a job referral but doesn't have the skills" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-23T11:00:08.610" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-21T14:59:30.077" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It all might depend entirely on how &quot;well-travelled&quot; they are &amp;amp; you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more people travel, the more opportunity they have of seeing just how difficult it is for others to pronounce their name, or them to pronounce others'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few years of working internationally, you just get used to the various alternatives you are presented with &amp;amp; they don't bother you, or any other seasoned traveller. I travelled 15 years for work - Europe &amp;amp; SE Asia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So - just ask how they pronounce it. Assume you won't be able to pronounce it like a native &amp;amp; assume they will already know that &amp;amp; not be upset about it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Try to &lt;em&gt;[gently, don't overkill it]&lt;/em&gt; mimic their accent as you say it. It will feel odd to you, but may help. Some people can do this well &amp;amp; some can't. The worst is to never even try... but then ask them if that is close, or if you should anglicise it to be more acceptable.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let them be the judge. Try not to anticipate their response, let them lead. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes all it needs is one 'slow pronunciation' from them - they may be perfectly aware of which parts may be difficult for your particular accent &amp;amp; may already know how to 'teach' you, or give you some mnemonic to aid you..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for amusement value, a scattering of names from various nationalities &amp;amp; the tortured yet perfectly acceptable pronunciations they receive...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;For reference, I'm British.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lee: Amuses Japanese people, of whom I know a considerable number. They can't quite say it, they're perfectly aware that can't quite say it; they think it ought to be a Chinese name, even though you're obviously caucasian. Attempting to force a correct 'L' sound is rarely going to work. Of all the people I know, 2 can do it; one was schooled in the US, the other has lived in the UK for 25 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Graham: Invariably pronounced graaaarm once you've got past that the 'h' is silent. Forget trying to teach anyone it should be pronounced gray-am, that's not going to happen. [My friend Seit calls me this - my 'revenge' is to also be completely incapable of pronouncing his name correctly either, though I've been trying for 10 years.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seit: Turkish name; for English natives, you're going to have to learn that it's somewhere between say-it &amp;amp; sigh-it. However, the exact amount of 'somewhere between' is likely to escape you forever &amp;amp; you will pronounce it slightly differently every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Somogyi: A very common Hungarian name. My partner has completely given up on anyone English getting anywhere close to &lt;em&gt;shom&lt;/em&gt;-og-yi &amp;amp; calls herself sum-&lt;em&gt;oh&lt;/em&gt;-ji, because people &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; manage that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10788" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T14:59:30.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16813" CreationDate="2018-07-21T16:10:10.100" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being able to tell friends unpleasant truths and do so in a way that does not end your friendship is a very valuable interpersonal skill.  In response to your question:  no,  it is not ethical to lie to your friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's start with facts.  The resume is what I would call unprofessional.  In this day of available spell-checkers, there's just no reason for bad spelling.  Additionally, you feel that your friend doesn't have the skills necessary to have an interview.  Facts are generally things people can agree on, although interpretation of facts can differ.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd start with this: talk to your friend about his resume.  Let him know that you've looked at it, and the resume does not meet the standards for your company -which it really doesn't.  Explain to him what your company expects in a resume and how his doesn't meet those expectations.  Then, if he's unwilling to fix it by gaining requisite experience and making edits, it's on him and not you.  You've told him what your company needs; now it's up to him to meet those needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that discussion, I'd include these facts: although you hire inexperienced people, they still have certain qualifications, which your friend lacks.  That can be education, volunteer work, hobbies, or something else.  Additionally, resumes in the corporate world (at least everywhere I've worked in 30+ years) are expected to use proper spelling and grammar.  Let the decision be the company's and not yours and focus on the resume and not your friend.  That should enable him to understand what is needed before you refer him to a job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T02:47:39.927" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T02:47:39.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16799" CreationDate="2018-07-21T18:44:03.723" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question strikes at the very heart of the relationship between Man and Woman. It is not unique.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But your music is unique to you both, each in your own ways and probably it what may have brought you together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to reaslise that you cannot cast your partner in your own image. You believe your self to be rational, relying upon known facts. But try to put yourself in her place to realise how she sees the world and how she values it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you could each celebrate your differences, so that they are let go and no longer matter then you may be able to begin tackling more concrete matters than music - together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question 1&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must get into the head of your partner and see how she drives her reasoning. If it is less rational to you and more emotional then your task is to get over it. For if you cannot do this things may not proceed much further in your relationship. This is for you to do, and then to no longer care about it that is if your feelings for her are important to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question 2&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More of the first - try to seek connections between your ideas. Realise that your minds do not share each others assumptions. Do not be angry if your rightfulness is irrationally denied, but try to stop this from mattering to you. Do not force home your opinion or show resentment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ancient problem is getting along with each other and you are not on your own in this. Celebrate your differences and set each other free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastEditorUserId="19168" LastEditDate="2018-07-21T18:59:46.747" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T18:59:46.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16740" CreationDate="2018-07-21T18:51:05.070" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depending on whether the person seems to prefer something approaching the native sounds of their name, It should be pointed out that many of the &quot;impossible&quot; non-English sounds CAN BE learned, though you have to be willing to work at it.  When I learned a middle-Eastern language which contains a number of guttural consonants, I was presented with that problem and after a lot of practice with my instructor, who happened to be a linguist, I achieved what he considered an acceptable level of speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I struggle with the choice of making a name or something else sound &quot;right&quot; to the native speaker or &quot;right&quot; to other English speaker -- and asking the person which they prefer is essential.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: One of my student's name was Is'haq which I initially pronounced as Ishak, which it most certainly was not. (to my defense, he had written it in English without the apostrophe -- or  without a space -- as ishaq.) I had learned that a Q sound was not a K sound, but I had not learned that S'H was not SH but he didn't expect me to mess that up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example where Syllabification is important: Any native English speaker can hear the difference between &quot;the white house&quot; and &quot;the Whitehouse&quot; but just try to explain it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My name is Bruce, but when I was in Japan, somebody asked me my name.  They tried very hard&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to make the &quot;impossible&quot; English R sound.  I wish I had read this discussion before that incident and had pre-planned a better alternative for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20158" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T18:51:05.070" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16823" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16787" CreationDate="2018-07-21T22:57:26.040" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just don't make a big deal of it, try to &quot;get over it&quot; emotionally so that his behaviour does not hurt you any more. Try to perceive it not as your problem but his problem: you are OK, but &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; seems to feel bad about interracting with you. Then you can simply approach him and ask him (at some suitable time, or perhaps you can invite him to have a glass of beer with you, or whatever): hey, you seem not to be very comfortable with me, what's the problem? What can I do to help you? Am I doing something that annoys you? Be generous and candid. If he just shows irrational hostility, scorn or the like, just pity him, withdraw and stop bothering about it - he clearly is not the kind of person whose opinion on you should matter to you. If he points to some particular reason why he dislikes you that can be fixed, you may promise to try to work on it. If it can't be (reasonably) fixed, at least try to make him aware that you understand his feelings. If he says he simply does not like you and refuses to give any particular reason, you may say something like &quot;Oh, that's life, I am glad it is not my fault, please let me know if you can think of something I can do so that you feel better; meanwhile let's take it as a fact and try to get along with each other as well as we can, shall we?&quot; Avoid being judgemental, avoid focusing on your own emotions (best leave them out of the issue entirely), don't demand an instant solution, be prepared to acknowledge your own fault if there is one , but don't be defensive, and above all, don't scrounge for respect (or anything at all).&#xA;Additionally, you can ask your other coworkers why they think the guy has problem with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20163" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T22:57:26.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16799" CreationDate="2018-07-21T23:35:18.060" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First note: be aware that women are different from men in that it is more difficult for them to separate arguments from emotions. A woman often perceives arguments aimed at her position as a personal attack. This cannot be helped, one simply has to cope with it somehow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One good method to minimise the combativeness of a discussion is to go Socratic: viz. instead of throwing in arguments in favour of your position just ask questions about hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;E.g.: so you think the band belongs to the genre X? Interesting, why do you think so? Because it uses machines? So you think that any music that uses machines belongs to the genre X? So would you say it is impossible to play genres Y or Z using machines? Etc. Make all effort not to sound aggressive: you are exploring her position and its ultimate principles, not trying to trap her. Whenever you are tempted do derive certain conclusion yourself, do not state it but pose it as a question: OK, and would you agree that from your claim X it follows that Y? (If not, why? Etc.). In this way, you need not have any shared assumptions, or preestablished definitions or principles - all this is only to be found during the discussion, and &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; not you will state them. Theoretically, she can venture to deny even logical principless, but very few people have the guts to do so and usually draw back from such a position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20163" LastActivityDate="2018-07-21T23:35:18.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16825" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16813" CreationDate="2018-07-22T00:30:40.990" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your friend is unwilling to correct his spelling mistakes then he seems like a person you definitely do not want to be working with; however, I'm assuming you still want to be friends with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the case, the approach I would take is to let him down easy. Say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd love to work with you but unfortunately, my company is looking for someone with a little more experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can guide him to some online courses or and perhaps help him look for other jobs. The idea is to guide his thoughts away from your company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20167" LastEditorUserId="11991" LastEditDate="2018-07-22T01:05:29.077" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T01:05:29.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16826" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-22T00:46:19.893" Score="0" ViewCount="379" Body="&lt;p&gt;I come here out of urgency and anonymonity. Recently, I've learned that one of my parents suspects the other of, for lack of a better word, molesting me. He suspects that a few months ago on a trip that something &quot;happened&quot; and that my mom has been acting too nice to me. This has left me extremely alarmed and troubled. My family hugely conservative and religious, and this has left me in an incredibly awkward and scary place between my parents. Currently, my dad is on a business trip, but what should I do to unequivocally make clear nothing happened when he does come back? How should I respond to texts or calls?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20168" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T01:57:13.850" Title="What to do about parent suspecting another of a crime?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-07-23T06:28:04.180" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11411" CreationDate="2018-07-22T01:53:06.583" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;1) Your logic is flawed. If you are not sure you want to marry her because you have not tried anyone else, you won't be sure after trying 1, 2, 10 other girls. You cannot gain &quot;security&quot; this way. Marriage cannot be &quot;tried&quot;, because the important thing about marriage (worth its name) is that it is meant as a definitve commitment. Herein liest the only &quot;security&quot; in these matters: the one created by the mutual delibarate commitment and self-giving of the spouses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) You say you love her. Do you mean it, I wonder? If you loved her, then your problem would be how to make &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; happy, not how to make yourself &quot;secure&quot;. Or by &quot;loving her&quot; you simply mean that she is satisfying your emotional and other needs and you would be unhappy without her? In that case you are not loving her but yourself and you are &lt;em&gt;using&lt;/em&gt; her to make &lt;em&gt;yourself&lt;/em&gt; happy. If this is the case, then the honest thing to do is to part with her, since you are not prepared to give her what she deserves (i.e. love).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) If you truly love her (this is not primarily a matter of emotions but of deliberate decision and commitment), then be a man and propose to her. She will be &quot;the one&quot; for you if you decide so. So take the responsibility and act. Your relationship has lasted long enough to be ripe either for marriage or for a breakup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) There are valid reasons why someone should not want to commit himself (yet), even though he genuinely loves the other party: like not knowing him/her well, not being sure whether he/she would be a good father/mother etc. But not being sure whether someone else would not be better is not a valid reason. You could never be sure about that. If you are not yet sure whether you want to marry her, focus on getting to know &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; better, not some other girls. Ask yourslelf not whether she is the best possible match for you, but whether it would be at all &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; for you to spend life with her, and &lt;em&gt;for&lt;/em&gt; her - and if she would be willing to do the same. This would be enough! Take a month or two, if necessary, but not much more, and then make your decision. She deserves that. She deserves a loving, committed husband and the security of marriage. If you are not prepared to give her this, give upt the relationship as soon as possible, to make room for someone else who is capable of giving this to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply, be a man!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20163" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T01:53:06.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16826" CreationDate="2018-07-22T01:57:13.850" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Truth is always the best course, however, if one parent is suspecting another of being unfaithful with their own child then there are alot more &quot;truths&quot; to this than just your perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there is a direct question towards you then answer truthfully.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there is any sort of indirect communication to you and you feel uncomfortable ask if there is something bothering them that they wish to talk to you about...this may result in a direct question, if it does not then trust that it's not your business at this point and it's a marital parental issue that you are picking up on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As a child you may feel the need to defend or take on issues within your parents relationship, but that is not your burden to bare.  If you have concerns your concerns towards them being voiced is your voice in the matter which should alert them to the fact it's bothering you and they should create boundaries to protect you from the full weight of this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You may want to research emotional molestation and physical molestation for accurate definitions of understanding so you can be completely sure of your stance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you have a trusted family friend who is an adult and knows your parents really well and you trust them you might confide in them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Above all, if you need help even talking through things contact a helpline or a counselor.  There are anonymous lines where you can talk to professionals and get assistance as well as most countries have some sort of privacy laws related to client/counselor relationships that would provide some safety.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20169" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T01:57:13.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16829" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16838" CreationDate="2018-07-22T02:19:48.320" Score="-3" ViewCount="689" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will be going on a business trip to the Chicago area, about 1 hour away from the city I think. My friend lives in the city and she has very kindly offered to host me for the weekend after and show me around. So I will stay at a hotel in the vicinity of where my work is for the week and then head to the city to stay with my friend on Friday and Saturday nights.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am male and we've been close over the years. There is no possibility of romantic or sexual developments, but I do treat her with much more politeness and reverence than I would any male friend. She is sensitive and the kind of gal who appreciates being treated like a lady, and is into all &quot;girly&quot; things so we don't use profanity or anything like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, of course I accepted her offer and she's been excited telling me about museums and restaurants we'll go to and I'm really excited about it too, and I can't wait to see her, but I have a significant problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have seen photos of her apartment and it is very small (small one bedroom.) I expect that I will sleep on her sofa and she will be in her bedroom and that is fine. From what I can tell however, the bathroom is situated right next to the door which is right next to the kitchen and then within short distance to the living room and the couch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am worried because it is unavoidable that at some point I will need to go use her bathroom and when I do she will hear what I would describe as &quot;spectacular fireworks of a gross nature&quot;, which I cannot suppress when I go. No fan or running water has a chance of concealing this noise. I can't reliably predict when I will have necessity so I can't really just wait until we're out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is: How do I communicate to my host the horrible awkwardness of what may turn out to be a relationship-altering trip to the bathroom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: yes I know there's an episode of Seinfeld where this happens to George but he is able to just leave, I cannot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19030" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T14:38:15.173" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T14:38:15.173" Title="How do I handle staying at friend's apartment in which the bathroom offers insufficient privacy?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-07-23T06:41:29.213" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13464" CreationDate="2018-07-22T02:24:46.217" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Put it on a technical level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can give an answer that's so technical that, unless your neighbor is a heavy tech savvy, he won't have any way to reply back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry Joe, we were having problems with the wifi devices not getting an IP from the DHCP server for some reason and a tech savvy friend of mine found out that disabling it and assigning the IP manually to each family's device through the router settings fixed the problem. To give you access I would have to ask him to tinker with the settings, I'd rather not bother him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if honestly I'd enable the &quot;guest wifi&quot; that most routers have and keep it on just when I have guests &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1816" LastEditorUserId="1816" LastEditDate="2018-07-22T02:39:41.320" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T02:39:41.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16832" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16833" CreationDate="2018-07-22T03:55:00.053" Score="7" ViewCount="355" Body="&lt;p&gt;At the start of the month I moved out of my old house which wasn’t working (hooray!) but the landlord still hasn’t given my damage deposit back (boo!). I sent the landlord a text message the day I moved out and only yesterday he contacted me asking questions about where I left my key etc. The landlord keeps sending me messages “contact me soon”. I think what he means is he wants me to give him a phone call. I have a bad feeling about where this is going because the landlord never made an appointment to inspect the room to see that no damage was done. However, I took pictures that show it was in good state. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that I do not trust the landlord based on his history, I would prefer all communications be done in writing so I have a paper trail. Is there a polite way to reply to his “contact me” message? Something like “given we are talking about several hundred dollars I’d prefer if we stick to email or text messages so there is a record”?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16097" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T09:24:54.617" Title="How to tell someone you don't trust that you are going to stick with written communication" Tags="&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-22T19:40:12.383" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16832" CreationDate="2018-07-22T04:42:24.237" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think that at this point in our relationship, we should stick to written communication (text, email, or physical) so there is a record to which we can refer in case of disagreement.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't accuse him and read neutrally implies that either of you may want to refer to the record.  However, it makes the effective point that you require the record.  If he does not read it neutrally, he may claim that you are calling him a liar.  You can respond with something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not calling you a liar.  I'm saying that this is a time for a consistent record to which we can both refer so as to minimize the chance of misunderstanding.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he continues to rage, don't respond.  Print the messages and store them in case they are needed in the future.  I wouldn't read them more than to determine that there isn't actual information in them.  Of course, this may not be a problem.  It's only a possible response at this point.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't mention the money, as it suggests that it is still an open issue.  Stick purely to talking about the relationship in this advisement.  The point is that you want the assumption to be that he will pay you the entirety of the damage deposit.  He may want to make a partial or no payment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Follow up by asking for an update on when you will get your damage deposit back, reminding him that you have pictures documenting the appearance of the room at the time of your departure.  You may also want to remind him of the answers to any of his queries.  Again, treat the amount of the money as set; the only question is when he will send it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do agree to a reduced amount, tell him that you disagree that it is justified but that you are willing to agree to the reduced amount if paid by some specific date.  That's not for IPS reasons but in case of a legal case later.  The idea is that you are doing him a favor by agreeing to the reduced amount so as to bring the process to a close.  Then if it goes to court, he can't say that you agreed as to damages of so much and then ask for additional relief.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to start looking into options if he does not return the damage deposit within a reasonable time frame.  Are you poor enough to get legal aid?  Is there a regulator you can contact?  Do you have to hire your own lawyer?  Is there a legal provision that allows the lawyer to collect legal fees from the landlord rather than you?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't bother threatening him with these options.  Let the option that you choose do the threatening once you activate it.  At most you might threaten him with the lawyer once, right before you retain the lawyer, something like &quot;If I don't have a check for [amount] by [date], I'll refer this to my lawyer.&quot;  You should already have talked to the lawyer and settled on fees by this point.  It's basically a last ditch attempt to avoid paying the lawyer's retainer.  With free options, there's no point.  They have more experience and can make the consequences clearer.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not bluff.  If he calls your bluff, you have no further recourse without doing the thing that you were bluffing.  So if you say that you are calling a lawyer and don't receive the payment, call the lawyer.  If you aren't willing to call the lawyer, don't threaten it.  Just write off the money and move on.  I'm assuming here that other options are not available.  If one or more is, then you still shouldn't bluff.  Just use the other option.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For legal reasons, try to keep emotion out of your communications.  Stick to the facts.  If you become angry, turn the case over to someone else to collect the money.  That person won't have the same emotional investment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T04:42:24.237" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16615" CreationDate="2018-07-22T08:23:17.027" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It really shouldn't be a problem to just ask nicely, to avoid sounding confrontational. Don't be afraid to &quot;ask for what you want&quot;. You can say &quot;I'd like one of these, but can I get one fresh from the oven&quot; (or &quot;just out of the oven&quot;). That way, your not being accusatory, insulting, or complaining.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if you'd rather not, because you'd feel uncomfortable, or because you're concerned it could effect future interactions with him, then just do it by phone. As others have suggested, ask: &quot;When should I come in to get your bread fresh out of the oven&quot;, but do it by phone to be anonymous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6575" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T08:23:17.027" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16832" CreationDate="2018-07-22T09:08:01.537" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are currently late in refunding my deposit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For documentation purpose, I need to have a written record of our exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, if you have something to say, please say it in writing, either by SMS text, by email, or by US Postal mail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will not communicate with you any other way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this is where you should research your local ordinances/State laws regarding deposits. How long does he have before refunding you your deposit? Does he owe you the deposit + interests? Does he owe you penalty fees for being late reimbursing you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T09:13:58.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16832" CreationDate="2018-07-22T09:24:54.617" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming you are in the US as you mention dollars. Not sure if it's the same there, but in the UK you can send letters by recorded post and the recipient has to sign to accept delivery.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your situation I wouldn't necessarily &lt;em&gt;avoid&lt;/em&gt; a verbal discussion - this can just delay and make things awkward. What you &lt;strong&gt;should&lt;/strong&gt; do is follow up any discussion in writing. Email is fine if you have an address and have communicated with him in this method before (since he can't then argue he randomly didn't get the email), but letter might be better. Send it recorded so he has to confirm receipt. Write something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear X,&#xA;  further to our telephone conversation at [time] on [date], I write to confirm that I am awaiting return of my deposit after vacating your property on [date you moved out].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the nature of your phone conversation will determine what you can also include: either you spoke and he agreed to the refund in which case you write that in the letter. Should he argue the point, you need to explain why you feel entitled to the refund and, if necessary, include hard-copies of the photos you took to prove it was in good condition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, I don't think avoiding verbal communication is necessarily the answer, but back it up with a letter or email. Should things get ugly later, you still have written evidence to support the actions you took.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T09:24:54.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16837" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16424" CreationDate="2018-07-22T09:45:17.233" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not you. It's me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's a small accommodation I need from you for my memory problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, that person was being completely unprofessional. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You shouldn't need to say something like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell your friend to throw you under the bus. Next time she runs into this person, she can just say &quot;I'm very sorry for my rude friend. She's super bossy. blah blah...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T09:45:17.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16829" CreationDate="2018-07-22T10:24:28.793" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say that the awkwardness is mostly in your own mind only. Given the situation, the diminished privacy is a fact that cannot be changed and it is no fault of yours, so you have nothing to feel ashamed or awkward about. There is no inherent profanity in the situation: profanity only arises from human action. So it only depends on you how gracefully you handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell her something like: &quot;I need to use your bathroom now, but I am afraid I am a bit noisy, I apologise, but I cannot help it&quot;, or perhaps also ask her &quot;would you mind staying in your bedroom [or wherever it is the farhtest from the bathroom] for a while, I would feel much better (and probably you too)?&quot; You say your friend is kind of lady-like: so she certainly will handle such a situation with grace and discreetness. Just don't make a big deal of it, and neither will she -- this is just life! No such thing is something that should change a relationship to the worse -- if it is a relationship worth continuing, I mean. Quite the opposite: the ability to handle such situations is a touchstone of good friendship, and experiencing them will strengthen it. I bet you will both laugh at it in retrospect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20163" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T10:24:28.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8522" CreationDate="2018-07-22T10:57:29.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A gift is a gift. That means, it is given freely, not on a basis of an obligation. You don't owe anyone a gift. If someone thinks you owe him a gift, it is his problem not yours. So you don't owe any explanation, let alone apology to anyone for not having given them a gift. And not to open the package in order that someone else did not feel bad that they did not receive anything is just incredibly oversensitive, in my opinion. How strange and selfish folk! They should rejoice that someone they love has received a gift and is glad, and not envy him or feel hurt that they did not get anything. The implied or assumed obligation &quot;to give to everyone&quot; is a most silly thing that is destroying the beauty of giving and receiving gifts (as, apparently, in this case).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in my opinion you did everything right. It is understandable that you would like to know if they liked their gifts, but again: a gift is a gift. It is meant to make happy the recipient; you don't give a gift in oredr to make happy yourself about how happy you have made them. If they don't say &quot;thank you&quot; and don't share their happines with you, it is probably rude from their part, but you have to cope with that; you cannot solicit gratitude that is not freely given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So: be magnanimous, get over it, next time give gifts to whomever you wish/can afford to give, don't give to whomever you don't, give in order to make the recipient happy and not in order to fulfill any putative obligation or to solicit gratitude -- and above all, don't let these silly worries poison your Christmastide!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20163" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T10:57:29.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16761" CreationDate="2018-07-22T17:33:17.623" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll bite the bullet:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I have a conversation with him about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Easy: &lt;strong&gt;you don't&lt;/strong&gt;.  It's simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's almost never a good idea for non-parents to give parenting advice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an experienced parent myself (I have lots of children), I don't even give parenting advice to my friends unless asked.  There have been plenty of times I've wanted to, and plenty of times where I thought a little friendly advice could help, but I know that more often than not it will backfire badly.  I've had non-parents give me parenting advice before.  I'm too polite to literally laugh people out of the room, but that's usually what I want to do.  The advice has never even been remotely applicable.  That's the case here too because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Parenting is complicated&lt;/strong&gt;.  Sometimes you don't know what you don't know, and in my experience that is what is going on here.  &quot;Don't spank your children&quot; seems like simple and actionable advice, but it really isn't, and as a non-parent I don't think you appreciate how complicated this is.  In particular:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A) Spanking is a method for enforcing boundaries.  You can't always just remove it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boundaries, rules, and structure are very important to children.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not voting for children to be raised in army boot camps, but it is important for parents to set boundaries and rules.  It both keeps children physically safe and is also an important part of how they learn to interact with the world around them and grow into mature adults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine parents who use spanking as a regular tool to enforce boundaries for their children.  If you take that away without providing an alternative, the result could easily become children without boundaries.  A common source of frustration for parents is feeling like they have no control over their children.  Taking away a primary tool for that without giving the tools to replace it is (IMO) more likely to make matters worse than better.  All that to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;B) Even if the general goal is good, that doesn't mean that giving advice is helpful&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had a mom and her 3 year old daughter staying with us for a bit.  It was clear that the child in question liked doing things her way (which meant ignoring her mother), and the mom didn't really know how to handle it and primarily got frustrated as a result.  It seemed to me that the main problem was that the mother was unsure how to properly enforce boundaries.  For a 3 year old (IMO), judicious use of spanking can be a good way of dealing with this.  However, I never gave advice to the mother, and never suggested spanking, regardless of whether or not the mom was willing to hear advice from me (she probably would have).  I kept quiet because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't know the daughter well enough to know if spanking would have actually been something she responded well too&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't know the mother well enough to know if spanking was something she could actually execute appropriately&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I knew that the advice by itself would be meaningless - this was not a small change and what was &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; required was a new approach to parenting.  That might involve spanking, that might not, but I knew enough to know that I couldn't give the mother the guidance she needed.  What was needed was not a simple conversation where I convince her to do something different, but more of a &quot;parenting mentor&quot; that could help her come to a better place all together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think these general points are all very applicable to you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't know anything about parenting in the first place - you just have one &quot;fact&quot; (spanking is bad) that you are taking as &quot;Truth&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't really know anything about how your brother spanks his child&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't know anything about how your brother parents or what methods of discipline work best for his child&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As a result, you don't know if this &quot;fact&quot; of yours is actually going to be helpful to your brother and - more importantly - you don't know how to turn it into actual advice that will be helpful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In essence, you are treating parenting as a list of &quot;do's and dont's&quot;.  It's not.  Every child is different, and it is the job of every parent to get to know their particular child and figure out how to guide them best.  You have neither the experience nor proximity to help your brother navigate this issue.  Any attempt to do so is unlikely to be well received, but more importantly you are probably more likely to hurt his parenting than help it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;On a controversial note&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably obvious from above, but I think your fears about spanking are overblown. Obviously spanking is growing out-of-style these days, and some professional organizations recommend against it (studies about how spanking has negative impacts on child psychology are also popular). However, even that doesn't mean this is the hill you should choose to die on, even ignoring everything else I've said above. Some estimates suggest that upwards of 85% of children are spanked during childhood. That includes you, your brother, and myself. When something is &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; common it is hard for me to seriously consider the possibility that any amount of it might have immediate and lifelong negative repercussions, which seems to be your concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anecdotally, I've been around lots of kids and I'd loosely group their parents' parenting style into three categories:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Parents who set and enforce clear boundaries, with or without spanking&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Parents who don't discipline their children at all&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Parents who abuse their children and use spanking as a cover.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not surprisingly the latter doesn't go well.  Item #2 (parent's who just don't enforce boundaries) doesn't actually go much better.  However, when it comes to item #1 (i.e. good parents), I've never seen a big difference between children who are spanked and children who aren't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In summary:&lt;/strong&gt; Nothing you have said suggests that your brother is harming his child.  Both because of your lack of experience, and because you are not in a close relationship with him, it is unlikely that your advice will be well received.  Moreover, because of your distance and inexperience, you can't do anything but repeat what you have heard from others, and you are not going to be able to give actual, practical help.  As a result, just don't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20183" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T17:33:17.623" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16842" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16844" CreationDate="2018-07-22T20:00:29.817" Score="-1" ViewCount="324" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a dinner with friends from university and I don't know what to talk about with them or how to participate in the conversations they are having. &#xA; I feel that I can't just say what comes to my mind because I feel that it is something weird. I am worried that if I say something they will think that I am weird but on the other hand I think that when they notice that I don't talk they will think that I am weird and it makes me very anxious.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dinner is with my boyfriend that I am comfortable with, but not so much with the rest of them. I want to feel part of the group but I don't know how.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20191" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T21:16:35.413" Title="I don't know what to talk about with people that are not my close friends" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-07-23T07:18:09.750" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16842" CreationDate="2018-07-22T20:27:06.960" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Learn to ask questions that other people are interested in.  Pay attention to details about others and ask them about themselves.  This shows interest and concern for others, you clearly are engaging in conversation, and it keeps the conversation on a level others are comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will leave others feeling good about the interaction even if you don’t say much.  Anyone who truly wants to get to know you will return the favor and ask you questions as well, otherwise they will be happy at the opportunity to talk about themselves to someone who is interested.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20169" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T20:27:06.960" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16844" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16842" CreationDate="2018-07-22T21:16:35.413" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer is ment as an addition to mutt's anser, which I think is really good. Mutt's answer is a good strategy for how to talk to people, but it could also be useful to have strategies for how to be quiet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, I would say that there are two very different ways of being quiet in social situations: the &quot;uninterested quiet&quot; and the &quot;interested quiet&quot;. By uninterested quiet I mean that you behave in a way that signals that you don't really want to be there, for example by playing with your phone or not listening to the conversations. This behaviour is likely to be percieved as rude or socially awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By &quot;interested quiet&quot; I mean that you behave in a way that signals that you enjoy the company and conversations. You can do this by following the conversations: look att the one who is talking, laugh, smile, sigh, etc. when appropriate. If you want to you can add comments, but you don't need to. The important thing is that you show that you enjoy the situation. This way people is likely to enjoy your company, even if you're quiet, because you've shown them you enjoy theirs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11132" LastActivityDate="2018-07-22T21:16:35.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16846" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16847" CreationDate="2018-07-23T01:10:26.157" Score="4" ViewCount="5356" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, I was in a line at the supermarket where the person ahead of me took nearly 10 minutes to resolve a payment issue with their order (usually, payment takes 30 seconds to a minute). When that was finally taken care of, the cashier started scanning my items and said &quot;thanks for waiting.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I respond to that? I feel like I could say &quot;oh, it's no problem&quot;, but it was a problem. I was rather inconvenienced and was late to my next appointment. I don't want to be rude, but is there any way that I can be polite and prevent awkward silence without saying that the delay didn't bother me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2309" LastEditorUserId="2309" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T01:51:48.093" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T17:28:22.607" Title="How do I respond to someone saying &quot;thanks for waiting&quot; after a long wait I wasn't okay with?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-07-23T11:17:32.930" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16846" CreationDate="2018-07-23T01:34:09.210" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;There isn’t much the cashier could have done in that situation. They were probably following instructions to keep the tone positive instead of saying something like, “Sorry to keep you waiting.” It’s also unlikely that extended interaction with the cashier would help with your next meeting. Further, it doesn’t sound like the cashier’s fault that the previous shopper took so long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, the most constructive thing to do would be to acknowledge the cashier’s acknowledgement of the delay by smiling and replying with a simple “Thank you.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T01:34:09.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16846" CreationDate="2018-07-23T02:03:22.807" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Comments like this are more social lubricant than genuine expressions of sentiment. The natural response is similar, along the lines of &quot;it's OK&quot;, as stated in the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't like the fact that the comment doesn't represent the truth, you can respond with something that is true but still anodyne:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There wasn't much you could have done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;[Shrug]&lt;/em&gt; Meh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important element to remember is that you still have to go through the interaction with the person you're dealing with. If it's your personal assistant you're talking to, then sure, their job is to care about your schedule and your convenience and you can express that they fell short. In most interactions (like a cashier at a supermarket) that's not the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are expressing their acknowledgement and regret that you were inconvenienced, not their personal responsibility for your schedule running smoothly. You, in turn, acknowledge the situation as well. You're not telling anyone that you are totally fine with delays or personal inconvenience. Even if you said &quot;it's fine&quot;, no one would interpret that that as your actually not caring about the wasted time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T02:03:22.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16813" CreationDate="2018-07-23T05:00:32.420" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest a two-pronged approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Offer your friend help with his CV.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's evident he needs it; it's quite likely your friend really has no idea how to approach job-hunting or resume-submission. If just by looking at their CV, you can see multiple problems, the kindest thing you can do is help him improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can extend that to broader advice, as long as you can manage to &lt;strong&gt;be supportive, not admonishing.&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Let me tell you a bit about what the job's like... let me tell you what the application process is like... Here's the things my company is going to be looking for; I'm afraid this is going to be a longshot without more relevant experience...&quot; &lt;strong&gt;You're not trying to convince him he's bad; you're trying to convince him the bar is high.&lt;/strong&gt; The more accurately you describe the bar, the more obvious the issues will be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Be honest when you forward the CV.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Evaluating candidates is not your job; it's HR/recruitment's. It's also their job to turn them down -- which is &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; better, in a million ways, than you being the one to bring him the news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing to avoid, then, is giving a false recommendation. And that's pretty easy -- when you forward the CV, you frame it as &quot;he sent his CV in through me&quot; rather than &quot;I am endorsing this person.&quot; You can write something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, my friend asked me to send in his CV. I don't know if we have anything appropriate for him, but I thought I'd check.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another helpful one is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, my friend asked me to send in his CV. I should mention I haven't worked with him professionally; we're friends socially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your HR, if they're any good at all, will understand that they should treat this application like &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; application, without the &quot;added weight&quot; of an endorsement. They'll probably send him back a &quot;Thank you for your application; we do not have any appropriate positions at this time&quot; email, and that will be that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Ideally&lt;/em&gt;, you will either talk your friend out of applying for a job they're not qualified for, or you will help them get their CV up to a point where it won't be embarrassing for you to merely forward it (&lt;em&gt;sans&lt;/em&gt; endorsement). If that's &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; happening, you can even say, &quot;Friend, I'm happy to send in your CV, but I'm not going to do that when it's got obvious errors; that would do nothing for you and reflect badly on me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The big remaining issue is this: &lt;strong&gt;Is your friend expecting you to &quot;get&quot; him the job.&lt;/strong&gt; He might be, particularly if he's not willing to correct spelling errors!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That will inevitably put a strain on your friendship, because you, OP, are not going to get him that job. But that's going to be on him, not on you, and dealing with that is somewhat larger than the scope of this question :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20196" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T05:00:32.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16617" CreationDate="2018-07-23T07:11:29.153" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being from Germany myself, I've always went with a &quot;Danke, ich komm zurecht&quot; (something down the lines &quot;Thanks, I can manage it myself&quot; for you non german speakers) which seemed to work like always :D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But a &quot;Ich schaue nur&quot; as others suggested works well too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T07:11:29.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16852" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16854" CreationDate="2018-07-23T08:06:32.577" Score="6" ViewCount="803" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a bit of a long story. TL;DR at the bottom&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in a martial arts club for ~10 years. My trainer is not a friend of Japanese dojo style but he made the training more open and like a workshop, which was appealing to me. Over the course of the years we became friends and we did some projects where I helped him in various situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was often seen as kind of strange to other people, e.g., he would hold unconventional viewpoints and cared little for the reaction of others to said point, or he would phrase things in a provocative way and say that it is not his problem if people react to his provocations. At first this all happened within certain limits. You could argue in favor or against his viewpoint but it was not vastly disturbing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the years this changed. He always had quite a strong self-esteem but he began to exaggerate. He'd make mistakes and not deal with them. Then he began to shift the blame to others. Over the last 5 years he gradually became a person that is completely unable to take critique and is not able to admit mistakes whilst always blaming you for something you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As stated before we did some projects together. We managed to make a bit of money through these projects and he would always promise me to give me a share. This was fair as I invested a good amount of time and some money. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I never got any money or anything else. He'd say that he was waiting for the money himself. He'd say that he has it but that it's only part and he'd give me my share when he got the full sum. He'd say he hadn't calculated how much I should get and that I should give him a list of hours I worked on a certain project. I gave it to him and he wanted some clarifications. I added them, then he said that I should talk to another member of the club because she had a different view on the project, and so on... As soon as I delivered something he wanted he came up with the next issue. I completely understand if you want to do things correctly but if you always come bit by bit and start bringing up things that were not mentioned when he first requested the list, it is irritating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months ago (this went for more than a year) I stopped yielding to his requests. I'd say that he has every bit of information he needed and that after over 5 years I at least want money for the things that were clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He began to accuse me of being sloppy and brought up some mistakes I made. I did make the mistakes he stated but they all were minor, like twice I was not able to make it to training and I called him only two hours before. Nothing major, nothing loss incurring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever he wrote me, his messages were full of accusations. Whenever I tried to disprove or question them, he came up with more. He'd accuse me of not being constructive, that I waste his time, that I am not a grown up but more of a child (I'm 29 btw). Even when I present him facts he simply glosses over them. I have the feeling that he doesn't even read my messages. He simply picks some points I make, twists them and accuses me of attacking him, e.g. I told him that he could buy a pool for his garden (privately) and quite buying expensive equipment for the club whilst I was waiting for his payments and that he at least could have paid 50 bucks a month. He answered that it is none of my business what he buys privately, that the equipment was for the club where I am too and that I should mind my own mistakes I made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR and question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine is refusing to compensate me for projects we did together and when I try to talk to him about it he constantly blames and belittles me. He is completely immune to arguments based on facts and uses every little thing I did wrong as an excuse to delay all payments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I deal with such a person? I simply want to clear things up and make a clean cut, as the events of the last year have shattered my trust in him and his club. I fear that my investment into our projects is lost as I trusted him and we made most agreements personally, not in writing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a psychologist but he shows many symptoms of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Narcissistic personality disorder&lt;/a&gt; such as over exaggerating his own successes whilst always criticizing his surroundings. Does someone have experience on dealing with such person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16758" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T08:47:50.630" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T09:18:38.367" Title="How to deal with a person that's not able to argue based on facts" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;narcissists&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16853" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16856" CreationDate="2018-07-23T08:14:16.663" Score="1" ViewCount="747" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a Telecommunications engineer who's been working as a programmer these days. One of my dreams was to continue my master degree and become a control system engineer. I always read about the subject and learn the math and science behind this domain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite my explanation that programming is a tiny subset of the engineering field (from Assembly to vanilla Javascript or Arduino language or ...), people keep asking me: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;OH NO, you are not working in your domain and with an NGO who may left and end your contract when there's no fund anymore!!! How bad is that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  OH NO, you're 27 years old, why don't you find another job in engineering? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I told people that programming is a part of 90% of engineering field?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20201" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T13:12:17.090" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T13:19:48.373" Title="How to make people understand that I am working in a part of my vast domain" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16852" CreationDate="2018-07-23T08:29:18.623" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say your assessment of this man is correct, and that he is displaying narcissistic behaviour. Actually, this kind of person is often drawn to martial arts as they enjoy having power over others and can abuse the positions in a dojo that command respect that they believe they deserve. Interestingly, martial arts movies nearly always contain a narcissistic character who believes they are better than everybody else, demands respect, and often their inflated self-belief is their downfall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately all interpersonal solutions require the cooperation of both parties. That is to say that any approach you are advised to take here can just be ignored by your trainer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have already tried reasoning with him and this has not worked. Narcissists lack &lt;em&gt;empathy&lt;/em&gt; so he will not care about any argument you raise. For this reason I have to say that the only approach that will probably work is to take a legal stance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many will respond to my answer with &quot;that's not an interpersonal solution!&quot; but given what you have already tried and your assessment of his personality it is probably the only chance of getting your money. Verbal agreements are harder to prove if someone denies them, but there is likely other &quot;evidence&quot; of the work you did. A lawyer can tell you if you have a chance or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say that this approach is &quot;the only language he will understand&quot;, but sadly narcissists often believe they are above the law or can outsmart it, so if you do take such an approach he will still likely laugh in your face and tell you all the reasons why you have no hope. He will likely take the same non-factual, non-logic based arguments into court with an exaggerated self-belief that he will win, but for that reason he will almost certainly fail. Courts make mincemeat of people who make arguments with no legal basis, although afterwards he will likely tell everybody that he was unfairly done by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T09:18:38.367" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T09:18:38.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16846" CreationDate="2018-07-23T08:34:14.543" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would thank you the cashier as a token compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately it is not her fault the supermarket accepts credit cards, does not have money-only queues, and does not have established procedures to pass on problematic payments to a PR queue and/or open another queue to process a stopped queue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is just doing her job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2654" LastEditorUserId="2654" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T17:28:22.607" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T17:28:22.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16853" CreationDate="2018-07-23T08:42:32.677" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First you need to determine if the people ask such questions because they are genuinely worried or because they want to put you down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the first case then you should dispel doubts by explaining what you really want to do, how it broadens your job chances and could result in a bigger wage. Explain that you may not earn 1K a month for 10 years but 150K in one year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, if the person asking just wants to guilt trip you and make you feel miserable, say that 27 is very, VERY young. Just say that &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_May&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Brian May&lt;/a&gt; was 59 when he re-registered for his PhD. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To solve your own doubts: I was 29 years old when I went back to college to study what I wanted. I was 32 years old when I changed my job to earn twice as much as I did previously and moved to new city. There are envious people who just want to project their own fears on you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T13:19:48.373" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T13:19:48.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16857" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-23T09:44:15.027" Score="2" ViewCount="1547" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background info&lt;/strong&gt;: the couple of times I have been in China and tried to buy some food from shops, I have noticed that all the things on sale were already past their expiry date. When discussing this with a Chinese friend, I was told this is pretty normal and not to be worried about. We both live in Western Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question&lt;/strong&gt;:&#xA;Whenever this friend goes back to China, they always bring me some gift: usually it consists of cookies or other food, which is always past the expiry date. As long as it is dry food (cookies, tea), I have no problem giving it a try. However, when it's coated or stuffed items (like stuffed cookies) a couple of months or more past the expiry date, I am not willing to take the risk, though I have an hard time throwing it away (blame the education I was given).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely make clear that I am glad to receive and consume those gifts, but I would rather prefer them not being expired?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20207" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T12:36:15.683" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T22:15:57.820" Title="Friend keeps gifting exipred items. How to politely bring it up?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;&lt;china&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16861" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16862" CreationDate="2018-07-23T11:38:39.060" Score="33" ViewCount="7004" Body="&lt;p&gt;First I would like to give a bit of context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My companion and I are 25 years old; we will probably get married in a few years&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I luckily have a comfortable situation, and have been working for 2 years&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My companion still has to study for 4 years (but she'll be working and will have an income)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I get on well with my in-laws, and things are okay with my own family&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am an only son&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My SO has a younger brother (16 years old) and an older brother (27 years old). Neither of them will &quot;provide&quot; (probably) grandchildren anytime soon. So this is a bit more pressure for my partner&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Everyone here is French (a bit of Mediterranean/Spanish culture on my side)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, my parents-in-law suggested that now that my companion has almost finished her studies &quot;She should be ready to have kids soon&quot;. On my side it's pretty much the same, I am expected to have kids since it is &quot;how things should be&quot;, but there is a little less pressure.&#xA;My companion is not sure whether she'd like to ever have kids, and we have been hearing that &quot;We will change our minds&quot; over and over again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, the only real idea I can express is that the prospect of ever having kids does not make me happy, and that I don't want people around to pressure me into doing something I'll probably not change my mind about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Has anyone encountered this problem and managed to make it accept to family without too much conflict?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have heard other ideas against my wish coming from aunts/uncles:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;People who don't want kids don't like themselves&quot; -&gt; That's not how I feel, do you know examples who might corroborate this idea?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;You won't be satisfied by life if you don't have kids&quot; -&gt; I think my career, personal life and hobbies can largely be enough, am I wrong to think that? Is there a way to make our families feel the way we do about that?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT 2:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A comment rightfully suggested that I should add what I already tried. So here it is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I had the conversation about having (or not having) kids with my part of the family and tried the &quot;I just don't feel like having kids ever&quot; argument&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It did not go well and escalated really quick, that's when I heard the arguments I am quoting in this question&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My SO and I do not want to re-iterate my errors with her part of the family, that's why I am asking for advice here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20213" LastEditorUserId="20213" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T19:46:50.890" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T03:33:11.297" Title="How can I make my parents (and parents-in-law) accept that I don't want to have children?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-07-24T08:26:11.647" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16861" CreationDate="2018-07-23T12:08:20.050" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a similar situation as yours. Both my SO and I have been working for a while and are in an age at which people are expected to start having plans of wedding and family. Though we want the marriage part, I'm not sure I want to raise biological children (I'm myself adopted and pretty sure that I'd adopt too if I want to have kids one day). My relatives keep telling me that I'm gonna want to share my biological legacy, and I'm certain I'll never regret if I don't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've recently found an answer that my relatives dare to consider. If yours are aware that you too plan to get married, you could try the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Actually, we think we have things we want to do before having kids. With the wedding upcoming, we'd like to enjoy our married life before dedicating to children. [Insert here plans of trip, adult activities, projects...]    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said in your question that you are not sure whether you'll want to have kids someday. This answer does not exclude the possibility, which could reassure them. In my case, it also reassured them to know that my SO and I want to take time to build up a family together before, and that if we want kids in the future, this will be a mature decision and they'll have a good, solid frame to grow into. So in a nutshell, such assertion would reassure them and it may keep them from regularly asking you why you're not a parent yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T12:17:45.597" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T12:17:45.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16861" CreationDate="2018-07-23T12:19:00.020" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would try to deflect such arguments and politely, but firmly make it clear that the decision to have kids (or not to have kids) is a very personal one, and that you don't owe a justification of your decision to anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since that doesn't really adress your question(s), here's how I would react on the occasions you gave as examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;People who don't want kids don't like themselves&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask &quot;Why do you think so?&quot;&#xA;The argument is really not more than a mere claim. Instead of going straight into confrontation mode, make the proponent justify their statement. Chances are, they can't, because they don't have any evidence whatsoever.&#xA;Just be wary of people trying to &quot;reverse-proof&quot; it, by pointing out examples of people &quot;not liking themselves&quot; who don't / didn't have kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being unhappy with oneself may be one reason for deciding not to have kids, but that doesn't mean it is the only viable reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You won't be satisfied by life if you don't have kids&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Same procedure as with the first one. Make them justify the claim. They can't, of course, because nobody can see the future.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Point out that different people expect different things from life. The possibility that the statement will end up being true for you and your companion exists, obiously (no point denying that), but the reverse is also possible (you having kids and later regretting it). What &quot;they&quot; are essentially saying when they tell you that you will be unhappy is that they know better what you want / need that you do yourself. They may be saying / doing this without really thinking about it this way, which makes it even more important to get this point across.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have also been told that I was being selfish by not wanting kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a native speaker, but to me, being selfish means putting your own needs above the needs of others (maybe even at the expense of others).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, &quot;Why do you think so?&quot; could be an interesting question here. Who do they think is treated unfairly if you don't have kids? Whose needs are not adequately taken into account? If you (or, more importantly, they) think about it, the only people whose needs are relevant here are those of you and your SO. You are not damaging anyone, you are not withholding anything from anyone, you are just making a decision on how you want to live your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another question to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who would benefit if you had kids, not because you really want to, but because you feel compelled to? Would that be good for the people who are involved deepest into this, meaning you, your SO and the children themselves?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This last question is one that everyone involved in the decision (you, your parents, your SO, your in-laws, anyone who feels the need to meddle in the decision, really) could / should ask themselves, IMO. It's not targeted at anyone in particular.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17002" LastEditorUserId="17002" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T12:31:12.970" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T12:31:12.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16865" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16787" CreationDate="2018-07-23T13:39:09.690" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your coworker's behavior sounds hurtful.  Unfortunately, you will encounter many coworkers over the course of your career that will be standoffish or cold in their interactions with you.  This is not necessarily because of anything that you did to them.  It could be for a variety of reasons: they are not interested in making friends at work, they are narcissistic, they feel threatened by your presence, or yes, possibly because there is something about you that they don't like, among other reasons.  While this is challenging, there is nothing that you can do to prevent it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your time at work, you will need to establish boundaries with your coworkers that may be different from the boundaries that you establish in social settings.  However, just like in a social setting, spend time with coworkers that make you feel positive and confident, even if they are older than you.  When you have to interact with him, keep the conversational professional.  If you find that your office requires a lot of social interaction (for example, your team eats lunch together every day), and you are required to interact with him in this setting, then consider asking him questions about himself in order to get to know him better.  However, it is generally advisable to avoid talking about very personal or contentious topics with your coworkers unless you have been working with them for a long time, and they have become your &quot;real&quot; friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work, your first priority is to do the best that you can in executing your tasks.  If you minimize your social interactions with him, maintain a professional demeanor, and complete your tasks well, then you can build a positive &quot;coworker&quot; relationship with him, even if the two of you are not compatible as &quot;real&quot; friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yes, if this coworker is exhibiting hostile behavior towards you, rather than just a cold demeanor, document it to the best of your ability.  This is very useful if you feel that you do need to escalate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20216" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T13:39:09.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16866" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-07-23T14:49:06.850" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The tag should be used when conflicts come up between people who have these tendencies. Narcissism is in a range, from mild gaslighting and belittling to extreme violence over small issues. This tag is &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; used when people &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; about at least 1 person (i.e. the subject(s)) that is a confirmed narcissist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The definition of narcissist people and people with narcissist personality disorder is as follows: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include: grandiose sense of importance, preoccupation with unlimited success, belief that one is special and unique, exploitative of others, lack of empathy, arrogance, and jealousy of others. - &lt;a href=&quot;https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Psych Central&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;IPS does not encourage diagnosing people without experts, and this is meant to be a description of their personality and behavior.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-07-24T14:25:11.263" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T14:25:11.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16867" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-07-23T14:49:06.850" Score="0" Body="Questions related to interacting with family, friends, and acquaintances with Narcissist tendencies, potentially Narcissist Personality disorder. " OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T15:08:58.840" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T15:08:58.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16861" CreationDate="2018-07-23T14:57:45.127" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll post this for two reasons: Because I would genuinely handle it like that and because no one ever considers this a viable option here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What both of your parents are doing in my eyes is incredibly rude and hurtful. You are grown adults. You have made a deliberate decision. Parents are no more in a position to tell you that you're wrong than anyone else. Nor are they in a position to tell you that you don't know what you're doing or that you'll grow out of it. That is insulting to no end. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially the &quot;You're selfish&quot; part - What is that supposed to mean, that you two have to give it up for your parents, make some kids against your wishes, with all the money that costs and the sleepless nights and the career implications and so on, just so they can be grandparents for a few weekends of the year? What are you, breeding stock? If I were you, I would be livid, and would not even try to hide or curb it. In fact, I am furious about that right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then all that other drivel from your aunts and uncles - It's just outright gaslighting. You are absolutely right. You will be able to live a satisfied life and have great relationships with your own selves and with each other, all without kids. Telling you stuff like this borders abuse. It is designed to make you question yourself, question whether you're actually right, whether you're actually sure you don't want kids, and ultimatley designed to make you come to a decision that is not your own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other answers will tell you all you need to know about how your parents just really want grandkids, and how that wish blinds them to a degree to how rude they are, and how you can solve this situation gracefully, and how you can go about analyzing it and discussing it and finding compromise and so on and so forth. If you want to do that, do it, resolving this calmly would be great. But this answer is here to tell you that it would be absolutely okay to, if all that fails or you just don't want to go through it, &lt;strong&gt;tell your parents to f*ck off.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Absolutely will it be nasty, but if that blow to the forehead is the only thing that makes your parents back off, or maybe even stop and think, then it's okay. You do not have to listen to any of this. You two are grown people. Your decision is fine. And in no way are you two selfish for not wanting kids. Sure will your parents be hurt; But they brought that on themselves by saying you two didn't know what you were talking about and should just revert a very big decision you made and produce a few kids already. That is absolutely unacceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20000" LastEditorUserId="20000" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T15:05:34.757" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T15:05:34.757" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16869" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-23T15:21:48.740" Score="17" ViewCount="7333" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been casually dating a guy (let's call him Tom) for a couple of months. At the beginning, I thought things were great but I wasn't looking for anything too serious. The last few weeks, I've felt nothing more than friendship towards him but he feels very strongly about me. In addition, I've been hanging out with a group of co-workers quite a bit and think I am developing feelings for one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told Tom about all of this and how I am thinking of ending the relationship so as to not waste any more of his time, but he seems to think that I'll come around eventually. His sister is getting married in a couple weeks and I don't want to drag it out, meet his family and everything, and then break up with him right after the wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really, really care about Tom though and don't want to hurt him. What is the best way to let him know that I care and want to be friends but no longer want to date him? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user19898" LastEditorUserId="11991" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T20:08:55.850" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T14:29:27.530" Title="How to let go of a relationship without offending the other person?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16861" CreationDate="2018-07-23T15:41:04.630" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Making that decision up-front is a good one.  I wish more people put your amount of thought into raising children.  It shouldn't simply be a &quot;default state&quot; of being.  It requires a level of commitment that you shouldn't enter into casually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And there is nothing wrong with being selfish.  It's your life - do what you want with it.  Using a pointed word like &quot;selfish&quot; to push people into actions they're against is simply a wrong thing to do to someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand your parents, though.  I was 25 myself once and said the same thing.  I'm now in my 50's with kids.  I was dead set against it when I was younger.  But now I'm (obviously) all for it.  For me - I'm not trying to convince you of anything.  What I am saying is that your tastes over time absolutely will change.  As you live your preferences in food, music, friends - they will all change.  And some things won't.  And maybe having children is one of them.  Only you can say.  But this may be why your parents aren't hearing your answer.  They are looking at their long lives, thinking of all the changes they've personally experienced and thinking you will do the same.  I'm pretty sure they're just taking your statement as your youth speaking, and thinking you'll come around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So maybe the best approach would be to acknowledge that somewhat and tell them &lt;em&gt;this is how you feel right now.&lt;/em&gt;  And maybe you'll feel differently some day, but right now and at this moment - this is what you want your life to be.  They might have an easier time accepting that than a blanket statement saying &quot;never ever&quot; which they probably think can't possibly be true.  Hopefully that will make them relax a bit and not be so pushy about things, and give you a little peace on the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11788" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T15:41:04.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16869" CreationDate="2018-07-23T16:04:50.887" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, if you're sure you do not want to date him anymore, &lt;strong&gt;you need to end the relationship sooner than later&lt;/strong&gt;. It will be a lot easier to end the relationship in the earlier, &quot;casual&quot; parts of dating, as usually no long-term commitment has been established. You can initiate the conversation with something along the lines of &quot;Tom, I know we've been dating for a couple of months, and I'm sorry but I don't want to continue dating you.&quot; This establishes that there's no second guessing and you've made up your mind (rather than &quot;I think we should see other people&quot;). Even if he tries to assure you that &quot;you'll come around eventually&quot;, don't budge on your choice. Initiating break-ups is hard to do, but it's ultimately for the best and will allow both of you to pursue better partners for each of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, staying friends with someone post-breakup is a trickier situation. From what I'm gathering, there is more emotional investment on Tom's side than yours. Therefore, it's hard to tell how Tom will react to the news. While you really care about Tom, you need to accept the circumstance that he may not want to be friends again immediately post-breakup. It's a lot to ask for someone to make such a abrupt emotional pivot like that. Coming from experience where I was dumped by my ex who wanted to remain friends, it took me almost a year to be ready to accept them back into my life. Just give yourselves time to recover and room to grow. I hope this helps, and good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastEditorUserId="1905" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T19:37:23.530" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T19:37:23.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11411" CreationDate="2018-07-23T16:16:10.923" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently in a similar situation in my relationship so I'm also posting anonymously. Seeing as the question is pretty old, my answer might be already out of date, but here it is anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I understand, you do not see any serious problems in your relationship that would warrant a break up, but you still do not feel completely sure whether this person is the best for you, because you didn't have enough experience in life. I can see, how you would be incredibly ashamed (as am I in a similar situation) having doubts in your partner while they don't give you any reasons for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what I did in my situation (I am not saying this will work for you thought): we had a conversation on the topic of making the next step in our relationship, and my SO was asking me to explain, why I was reluctant to commit to it. At first I would say, that I don't feel confident in our relationship, and that I thought there might be someone else there for me. This wasn't the best way to go about it, I know, and it hurt SO's feelings, and certainly didn't let them understand me more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then they would start explaining why they were sure, I was the right choice for them, because whenever some potential candidate would show interest in them, my SO would see how much they love me and how much more benefits our relationship has compared to the they could have with that other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this was a bit eye opening for me, because I realized, that the reason I am not sure, is because I didn't have a lot of those situations, where I could compare my SO to someone else. I am  not trying to guilt them or blame them in being unfaithful. But the simple fact, that my SO had people making advances towards them made them ever so slightly more confident in their choice. And me not having having a possibility of a choice as a result having much less confidence. Even if it is very likely, that my SO would be the best choice for me, I didn't really get to make this choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The answer to the question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in the end I explained to my SO this fact while emphasizing that they really didn't do anything wrong and there'r no fault in them. I think if you manage to explain yourself to your girlfriend, and make her understand, that you don't really want to end the relationship, but that this problem prevents you from making the next step, you might be able to start a conversation with her and figure something out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20221" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T16:16:10.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16874" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16861" CreationDate="2018-07-23T16:24:20.857" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;We are from a different culture but also experienced some family pressure although at an older age than yourselves.  At that time I was studying a martial art that focused on using your opponent's energy against themselves.  Inspired by this what worked for me is don't commit, don't actively agree or disagree, change the subject away from yourself; with these three points you are not giving the other side footing for conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When are you having kids?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;We're not sure, the timing doesn't feel right yet for us; Oh I wanted to ask you, how was your vacation last month?  Do you have any pictures?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should have kids!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe in a few years, we aren't in any rush.  Mom showed me pictures of your garden, how do you get your tomatoes so big?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approach it this way you aren't taking much of a position to allow for conflict and you are steering the conversation back to them.  If they won't the let topic be completely steered away from having kids keep the topic on having kids but turn it to their experience having kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't change the subject, when are you putting a baby into her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we both feel the time is right.  How did you two decide the time was right for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These conversation cues can easily lead to learning more about their lives and if you are conscious of where the conversation is going can lead away from you and your plans.  If you find this approach difficult maybe practice with your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be open with your partner that this is the angle you are taking and why you are doing it so they aren't caught by surprise by you expressing ambiguity on the subject.  Your partner is owed an open opinion on this even if the rest of your family is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3983" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T17:52:39.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16875" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-23T16:31:10.893" Score="39" ViewCount="16012" Body="&lt;p&gt;My neighbour is constantly asking me for little favours, which is super obnoxious. She regularly asks me to maintain her smartphone as she has no clue what to do with a smartphone and keeps downloading useless crap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 18, she's a middle-aged woman with a kid and a husband. When I do help her, she treats me like a little kid. For example, while I'm fixing her phone, she commands me. Literally commands me, not even a request. To do some other things like downloading her music etc. I find this terrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I set my boundaries?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7002" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-07-24T17:32:49.137" LastActivityDate="2019-05-04T17:52:48.993" Title="How do I reject helping my neighbour who constantly asks me for little favours?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16875" CreationDate="2018-07-23T16:55:48.733" Score="53" Body="&lt;p&gt;Speaking from personal experience as someone who works full time in the tech industry, people constantly asking me for help with technology as if I'm their personal IT guy is &lt;em&gt;so annoying&lt;/em&gt;. I feel your pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you don't wish to help her, just say no&lt;/strong&gt;. You don't owe her any service whatsoever, especially if she's being rude about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you do wish to help her&lt;/strong&gt;, you can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Only provide help when she isn't rude&lt;/strong&gt;. Express that you don't appreciate how rude she acts towards you, even when you provide her with assistance. If she continues acting unkind, stop providing assistance. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Set time frames for her to ask for help&lt;/strong&gt;. While this may just result in constant questions in that time period, it still allows you to set personal boundaries for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Help her help herself&lt;/strong&gt;. Whenever someone asks me a tech/IT question, I always ask, &quot;Did you Google it first?&quot; This shows that I'm willing to help them only if they've made an effort to fix the issue themselves. Furthermore, this may boost her confidence with maintaining her smartphone, thus limiting the amount of questions she'll need to ask you. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer is based in quite a few assumptions, and I do not know the condition of your relationship with this neighbor, but I hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T16:55:48.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16878" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-23T17:14:01.480" Score="2" ViewCount="536" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am doing some temporary work for a few months and the company is paying for my housing in a nearby hotel. The room comes with typical housekeeping service to clean the sheets, bathroom, etc. I have been noticing that the walls of the shower are starting to turn pink, and when housekeeping comes through they have not been cleaning the walls. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could clean them myself, as the houskeeping is certainly a great perk, but there are no cleaning materials in the room and I don't really want to go buy some only to throw it away half-used in a few weeks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask for the shower to be more thoroughly cleaned without getting the housekeeper in trouble or offending them? Service workers do not have very easy lives, and this person will also be in my room a few times a week for another two months. I have considered leaving a note on my table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional details: this is in the United States and many of the housekeepers don't speak much English. I usually get the room cleaned 2x per week. I have been leaving a tip of $5 USD per week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20225" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T17:57:24.157" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T17:57:24.157" Title="How do I tactfully ask for my hotel room to be cleaned more thoroughly?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;service-personnel&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-07-23T18:41:41.047" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16878" CreationDate="2018-07-23T17:25:51.643" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's probably best to ask for assistance with specific things, because &quot;please clean better&quot; isn't super useful if they don't realize they're missing something to begin with. On top of that, if you're looking for something specific to be cleaned (like your shower), there's a chance they'll clean something &lt;em&gt;else&lt;/em&gt; better and ignore the thing you were hoping to have cleaned more thoroughly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Call the front desk and ask them to pass the message along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello, I'm calling from room X. Is it possible for you to ask the cleaning crew to pay extra attention to X, Y, and Z when they clean tomorrow? Thanks very much!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about giving a reason, just ask them to pay closer attention. You won't be able to change how the message is communicated to the staff anyways, so it's important to be clear here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to go through the front desk (though you should - their job is specifically to handle issues like this), then you could try writing something in a note about it. I assume you're leaving a note with your tip explaining that it is indeed a tip (it would be weird for a cleaning staff to just take loose bills lying around), so that would be a good place to put this request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12278" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T17:25:51.643" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16880" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-23T17:26:46.393" Score="4" ViewCount="652" Body="&lt;p&gt;My very close friend (I consider her a sibling) is asking for help with promoting their photography on social media to get their amateur photography business off the ground, but they have only a little experience and many pictures up on social media that seem not to be on par with semi-professional photography businesses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My friend also recently had a baby, so they are busy with caring for&#xA;the baby.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My friend lives in an area that is very rural, so that is one of the&#xA;issues-travel to other places is very hard, (plus having a 1 month&#xA;old baby travel is not easy)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My friend is trying to do this for additional income to support their&#xA;new baby.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She lives in a different state than I do, and we live around 10-12 hours apart. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has not taken any college classes for business or photography.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has no intention of &lt;em&gt;hiring&lt;/em&gt; me, she only wants me to post on facebook about the business and promote awareness of her business among my friends. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She sometimes visits an area where i know my friends from college live. This area is also near my mom's parents and siblings, so she visits family then as well. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to continue supporting and encouraging the friend, but not bring down their skill level by telling them that they need more work and they need to take classes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to continue having a positive relationship the best I can, and to encourage her to keep going, and not necessarily involve me in promoting her business. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I encouragingly critique my friend for her photography work?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-07-26T20:10:13.837" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T20:10:13.837" Title="How can I encouragingly critique my budding photography friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;criticism&gt;&lt;business&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16869" CreationDate="2018-07-23T17:40:38.467" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;Three musts when ending a relationship:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it about your choices, not their faults&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Tom.  &lt;strong&gt;I wanted&lt;/strong&gt; to give our relationship a chance but &lt;strong&gt;I think&lt;/strong&gt; we should stop seeing each other.  &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; just &lt;strong&gt;don't have&lt;/strong&gt; any strong feelings for you.  &lt;strong&gt;I'm&lt;/strong&gt; sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it about how you feel, and what you want.  This way, if Tom starts telling you about how you are going to change your mind, or how he can &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; you like him, you can respond with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tom, I understand, but this is &lt;strong&gt;my decision&lt;/strong&gt;, not yours.  It's not appropriate for you to tell me how I should feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be firm.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, Tom, but &lt;strong&gt;I'm sure&lt;/strong&gt; this is best for me right now.  I hope you will understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be final.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to be your friend, Tom, but I don't know how that would work out.  I think it would be uncomfortable and I don't want to create false expectations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do plan to date someone else, then you should probably say so explicitly, even though it might hurt.  One way or another he might find out, and take it personally -- at least, more so than he inevitably will.  I recommend against sugarcoating it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm planning to date other people, and I think you should do the same.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T17:40:38.467" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16883" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-23T17:48:35.570" Score="5" ViewCount="2013" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been at an internship for the past 9 weeks. At the beginning of the period, I became close with two other interns, Alex and Sue, as we all started on the same day. However, as the internship has progressed both Alex and I have realized that we don't enjoy hanging out with Sue. She has a toxic personality and what I would consider to be narcissistic tendencies. Interacting with her in group settings is always fairly awkward - she always interjects herself into other people's conversation, tries to be the center of attention as much as possible, makes incredibly forced jokes and gets upset when nobody laughs, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the past week or two, Alex and I have been trying to distance ourselves from her. We've been messaging her less and have been hanging out without her. However, Sue hasn't really gotten the message. Just yesterday she was asking us when we were going to visit each other after the internship ended (neither Alex nor I want to interact with her after this internship). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make it clear to her (without being overly rude or hostile, as she still is coworker) that I would like to have a strictly professional relationship with her? I would expect repercussions in the workplace to be relatively limited as we do not work in the same department or on the same floor, and don't interact in the workplace unless Sue makes an effort to come find me and talk to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20227" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T20:34:36.973" LastActivityDate="2018-07-28T06:49:21.853" Title="How do I distance myself from a coworker/friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;narcissists&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16884" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16895" CreationDate="2018-07-23T18:01:13.760" Score="84" ViewCount="26702" Body="&lt;p&gt;I saw my neighbor post on social media that they wanted help with some computer related tasks.  We have never met or had any interaction before.  I offered to come help them for no compensation.  They insisted that they'd be uncomfortable accepting my help without payment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one hand, I don't feel comfortable accepting payment because my &quot;pay&quot; would be getting to know some neighbor in my new neighborhood, and having something useful to do on my time off, and I'm quite comfortable financially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I understand they may not be comfortable accepting payment for from a stranger, or for many other reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to embarrass or offend either of us, and all our interaction is via email right now, until we meet in person this weekend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I address this situation and foster a friendly relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought of suggesting &quot;no worries, just get me a 6 pack of (favorite adult beverage), which can be customary in my culture, but I don't know if this is &quot;assigning work&quot; and adding to their burden, or if they perhaps don't approve of such items.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;United States, large Midwest City.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8825" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T18:02:29.790" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T17:09:42.343" Title="I offered to help neighbor, how to discuss compensation?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;negotiation&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16857" CreationDate="2018-07-23T18:19:21.913" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friend probably doesn't know what to give you but feels obligated to bring something back for you, so he chooses whatever is handy (like reduced / expired food).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to go is to tell him what you prefer. You already explained that you have no problem consuming dry food beyond the date of expiration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could tell him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you remember the (food of choice) you brought from China last year? I liked that a lot. Could you bring me something like that again? Or a variation of it, so I can sample different types.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could request a non-food item in the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I heard there are these cool (item of choice) in China. If you see one of them during your trip, could you buy ot for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could bring up the problem of expiration date in a gentle way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was quite gratefull for the (bad food example) you gave me last year, but it had a funny taste. I don't know if there was an ingredient I didn't like or if it was expired, but I didn't enjoy it as much as (food of choice).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basicly you give your friend the chance to be polite and possibly take the burden of choosing a suitable gift off his shoulders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T18:19:21.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16886" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16884" CreationDate="2018-07-23T18:22:50.417" Score="76" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have found that asking for them to donate to a local charity works well. I have some fairly well-off friends who insist on paying me when I help them with computer or technical tasks but I do not really want or need the money so I ask them to donate whatever they would pay me to a local youth organization. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This comes with an added benefit of if they really did not want to pay me I never really know whether they actually donated to that charity on my behalf, and if they do donate then it went to a good cause. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would go with something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Neighbor_Name, I would be happy just to help out a neighbor and would love to get to know you, but if you insist you can donate to my favorite charity _____ as they are very underfunded and could use the money more than I can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="58" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T18:22:50.417" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16884" CreationDate="2018-07-23T18:28:06.633" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Compensation is tricky.  You don't want to ask too much, and sounds like you're greedy.  You don't want to offer too little, and sound like they can take advantage of you any time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore you have to judge &lt;em&gt;intentions&lt;/em&gt;.  If your neighbor has offered to compensate you, it may be that they want to keep your relationship relatively &lt;em&gt;impersonal&lt;/em&gt;.  Or they might just be socially awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One workaround for this, that can be used in almost any situation, is to suggest that you're giving them a &quot;friends and family &lt;em&gt;discount&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.  This is especially appropriate if you are a professional who ordinarily gets paid for this kind of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey John.  I'm happy to help you out with your computer problems.  Ordinarily I get paid about $130 for this stuff, but &lt;strong&gt;I'm going to give you my special discount&lt;/strong&gt;.  How about we go down to the local [pub | bar | craft brewery | etc] afterward and you buy me a couple of rounds, and we'll call it even?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or pick whatever activity seems good for you, like asking them to pick up something to drink and you both can hang out and watch the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aren't a professional, then use that to suggest you wouldn't feel comfortable accepting money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey John, thanks for the offer to pay me &lt;strong&gt;but since I don't do this kind of thing for a living&lt;/strong&gt; I wouldn't feel right accepting money.  How about instead you order us a large pizza and (something to drink) and after we can hang out and watch the game?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a separate note: Like it or not, drinking alcohol is a generally approved activity in American culture.  If someone has strong feelings about this, it's up to them to voice their disapproval in a socially appropriate way.  If it's against their religious beliefs, they've probably had to do this many times and already have a script.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In return, you should never feel embarrassed offering alcohol to someone who doesn't drink.  Just play off of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, no beer, that's fine.  Let's make it a root beer then.  I know this place that makes a great craft root beer, you should really try it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, once you've made an offer you should just relax and wait for them to either accept, or make a counter-offer.  It's up to them to figure out how much they are willing to barter vs. what might offend you, and you can relax knowing you'll probably accept whatever they say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T18:28:06.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16861" CreationDate="2018-07-23T18:32:10.387" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Abject hostility when the subject is brought up&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound like a weird thing to suggest, but really: sometimes the best way to get the message across is to &lt;strong&gt;escalate&lt;/strong&gt;. Intruders that refuse to leave when told get tossed out on their ears, and that goes also for the figurative one that keeps intruding into your personal decisions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The decision to have or not to have children is an entirely personal choice and not the business of anyone else. But your folks do not seem to understand that. They take it as a given that they have a right to interfere in your personal business. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you need to make it clear to anyone that sticks their noses in it: it is none of their business, and they are out of line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence when the subject is brought up again, display the kind of response that is warranted when someone else imposes themselves on your personal choices: &lt;strong&gt;display hostility&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be angry, and show it to them...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Look, just because &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; feel the highest goal in life is to breed on command like some farm animal, I do not share that view!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...or...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(With sarcasm) Sure... you absolutely are right... &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; know best when &lt;strong&gt;we&lt;/strong&gt; should have children. Do you want a bedside view too so you can inspect the while thing and make sure nothing goes wrong with the impregnation?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...or...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Bring this up again and I will book time &lt;strong&gt;tomorrow&lt;/strong&gt; to have my tubes tied. Back. Off.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shock them, rock their boat, make them see that their view of things is not the only one, and that they have massively overstepped their mandate. If arguments do not help, then an emotional response may get them to understand they are acting offensive and invasive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when they react all miffed and say &quot;Well, that was uncalled for&quot;, you reply &quot;No, because I tried to tell you, and you would just not listen. So it was called for&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4227" LastEditorUserId="4227" LastEditDate="2018-07-23T23:39:25.663" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T23:39:25.663" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16884" CreationDate="2018-07-23T18:35:41.550" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing that is missing from other answers. When accepting money you will take on responsibility for the result. There are two issues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you got paid anything &gt; $0, then neighbor can come knocking on your door saying &quot;I paid for this and now my computer blew up that's your fault!&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you got paid, you will be expected to do similar work at similar rate in the future, something like &quot;Hey you helped me a lot could you drive 500 miles to help my twice-removed cousin-in-law with same problem, he'll paid you $20 too&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking for fair money or by asking for no money at all, you will protect yourself against these situations. This is professional relationship that can become good extra with better neighborly relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On phrasing, you can always promise to &quot;take a look&quot; explicitly mentioning no guarantees, or ask for donation to your favorite charity organization. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T18:35:41.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16857" CreationDate="2018-07-23T18:49:12.263" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming your friend doesn't want to kill you, you probably should ask straight ahead:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This item seems expired, is it still good to eat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To which you can receive one of several answers, including:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Oh, silly goose, that's production date, this meat has months of shelf life! I eat it all the time&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Oh my, you are right, I am sorry. Probably safer to toss that chicken leg&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, it is expired, but I think this jello item is still god for another week. I ate it few days ago and it seems fine&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that you should use your best judgement to make decision. Right now, so it seems, you just don't have enough information&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: What you probably won't hear is &quot;How dare you! I bring you gifts and you are asking questions instead of consuming unfamiliar foods immediately&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T18:49:12.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16880" CreationDate="2018-07-23T18:52:16.863" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, being an artist is never easy.  If you want to achieve results, you have to try and fail, try and fail, over and over.  Sure, some people have natural talent, but it only goes so far -- and, in fact, most of the people you think are really &quot;talented&quot; have years of experience to teach them what works and what doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a simple trick for constructively critiquing &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt;:  &lt;strong&gt;Always offer a positive comment before you say anything negative.&lt;/strong&gt;  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really like the way you've used light and dark to enhance the subject ... but I think you could use just more contrast.  It looks a little washed out.  What kind of filters are you using?  Here, let me show you what I mean ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also provide a solution (hopefully a simple one) to the problem -- like buying a new polarizing filter or changing the aperture setting, or investing in some good reflectors.  If you can, help your friend to use the new equipment, and compare the results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is beyond your own personal technical skill, then maybe do some research online to find a site that can give professional advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think your photos could use more contrast.  I'm not sure how to do this, but let me show you this website where they recommend ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The encouragement comes when they understand that it's a constant learning process, and sometimes little tricks can produce amazing results.  Over time, these add up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-07-24T20:57:58.433" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T20:57:58.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16884" CreationDate="2018-07-23T20:20:08.773" Score="177" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the &quot;computer person&quot; among neighbors who are...not, I've dealt with this a few times.  The person asking for your help does not want to be a freeloader and thus wants to compensate you; you do not want to transform a friendly favor into a business transaction (and anyway you couldn't charge what you normally would in a business setting, so it's awkward).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What has worked for me is to suggest a &lt;em&gt;return favor&lt;/em&gt;.  In one case I traded setting up a web site for some language tutoring, in another case basic software setup for taking in the mail during a vacation, and in another antivirus setup for some homemade cookies.  Since you don't know this neighbor you probably don't know enough to propose something up front, but while you're there, talk and find out more about the person.  By the end of your &quot;service call&quot; you should be able to suggest &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; that the person can do for you that isn't paying you.  As a fallback, &quot;buy me lunch&quot; (or a beer) works as both a return favor &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; a chance to get to know each other a little more, because those are social activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T15:15:25.000" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T15:15:25.000" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16875" CreationDate="2018-07-23T20:37:18.440" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't mind helping her for something in return, try charging her a small fee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, $20-60 per incident of providing help?  Fee can be adjusted based on her annoyance.  You can explain to her that you were glad to offer her help for the first few times but now you have other things you have to be doing but you wouldn't mind providing help for $x amount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she puts up a fuss, tell her you are generally too busy of a person and suggest a local &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bestbuy.com/site/electronics/geek-squad/pcmcat138100050018.c?id=pcmcat138100050018&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Geek Squad at Best Buy&lt;/a&gt; (or similar) that can help her with all her needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might see it as rude but in the end, she is obviously making your life less pleasant by her incessant requests and commands.  It is not rude to protect your boundaries.  If she wants your help &quot;just this time&quot;, keep suggesting the fee or Best Buy again.  If she keeps pestering you, become a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=broken%20record&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;broken record&lt;/a&gt; and stand your ground.  It is not rude to push back when she is being rude pushing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails pretend you are working at Geek Squad and you'd be fired for helping her for free.  A one-time favor here or there might be fine but in general you need to keep your job.  That mindset should make it easier for you to protect your boundary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end you will either be making money or be left alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11923" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T20:37:18.440" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16857" CreationDate="2018-07-23T20:52:17.980" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I usually err on the side of graciously accepting the gift (and then if it's not to my liking for whatever reason, privately proceeding accordingly).  Particularly if a more distant friend or acquaintance is involved, it can seem ungrateful to ask too many questions about a gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank your friend for the food, and then if you feel it might be unsafe to eat, just throw it out and don't bring up the fact.  It's the thought that counts anyhow!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternately, if you have a bit closer and more honest type of friendship, you could try affecting the situation indirectly, &quot;Could you please bring me tea instead of food when you go to China?&quot;  Or more directly, &quot;I know it's common in China and I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but food past the expiry date makes me nervous, and I don't like to eat it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15900" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T20:52:17.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16875" CreationDate="2018-07-23T21:28:01.990" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Say something to the effect of, &quot;Please don't yell at me. I'm willing to help you once in a while, but if you're going to order me around or infringe on my time, I will have to refuse. It negatively affects me and hurts me feelings.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you say should attempt to accomplish a few things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Tell her how it makes you feel.&lt;/strong&gt; Politely make it clear to her that what she is doing hurts your feelings, affects your schedule, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has feelings (be polite). You have feelings (make them known).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Set a clear boundary&lt;/strong&gt; on what is/is not acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it clear to her that it's not &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; that you have a problem with, it's her &lt;em&gt;behavior&lt;/em&gt;. You don't have to subject yourself to rudeness, and you don't have to give her &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; time. You are responsible for those things, and she is not.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Set a consequence&lt;/strong&gt; (refusing to help her) if she does not treat you respectfully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This shows you intend to take action if she continues her behavior. A boundary without consequences means little. In your situation, the best consequence is probably removing yourself from the situation, since staying in it will continue to hurt you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Be prepared to enforce the boundary/consequence&lt;/strong&gt; without fail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't set a boundary/consequence you aren't prepared to put into action, otherwise they'll learn that you don't really mean it when you fail to enforce it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;--&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that when she is behaving wrongly, you need to make it clear and say something &lt;em&gt;at that moment&lt;/em&gt;. Not a few days later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further reading: &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/0310247454&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10004" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T21:28:01.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16861" CreationDate="2018-07-23T22:04:36.987" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in the same situation. I have tried everything except being directly rude and it usually leads to at least half an hour of defending myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my standard reply is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Well-meaning person] When are you getting kids?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Me] Oh, I am still waiting for my second puberty. You know, when the hormones hit and you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has, by FAR, the best response from my family and acquaintances. Firstly, it makes it sound like you are open to children. Secondly, most people can identify with a &quot;second puberty&quot; (think how often people say they changed their minds or woke up one day and just &lt;em&gt;needed&lt;/em&gt; a child). Finally, it has just enough humor that it is unoffensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a warning, I am a female. Your partner will probably have better success with this line. You may need to find a way to tailor it to the male side better. Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20241" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T22:04:36.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16857" CreationDate="2018-07-23T22:15:57.820" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't imagine anything bad coming out of it if you just ask your friend about whether or not your food is expired. I haven't noticed anything in the shops being expired when I lived in China, but perhaps your friend is from a different region...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As some people already pointed out, in China dates are not written the same way as in Europe. The format is year/month/day, so check first whether or not it actually is expired. Additionally a lot of packaging has both the manufacture date (Chinese:生产日期) and expiry date (Chinese:保质期) on them, so be sure to check the right date (could you ask your friend to help?). Also some food shows the amount of time it can be kept, but no actual expiry date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the food really is out of date, then you could just tell your friend about it in a private conversation. Something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, (name here), thank you for giving me gifts when you return from&#xA;  China, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. I have been noticing&#xA;  that the things you give me seem past the expiry date. I could be&#xA;  wrong, but if it is so, could you avoid doing that as I would rather not &#xA;  eat expired food?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should be fine. If you don't want to be direct, you could just ask them to show you where the expiry date is. Chinese people tend to care more than Europeans how they appear to others, so it is not likely that your friend will knowingly give you expired food if they know it is not the norm to eat it in your country. If it is the case, they will probably avoid doing it in the future. Also, a lot of Chinese people are concerned about food hygiene these days as well, so if your friend is a reasonable person they are not likely to be offended at your request to not eat expired food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20240" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T22:15:57.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16903" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-23T22:40:05.387" Score="4" ViewCount="383" Body="&lt;p&gt;Relevant identity context, I'm white, my partner can be reasonably seen to a stranger as white, and both of us are genderqueer and LGBTQ+ identifying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work at a college in Boston, and my partner (they/them pronouns) is participating in a summer research program which focuses on improving diversity among graduate students on the same campus. They are staying in program-provided group dorm housing in a single. I've visited them a few times and hung out in common areas with the other participants living there, helped my partner cook, things like that. Everyone I talked with was friendly in person. I'm very used to a ton of diversity and I didn't even notice that I was the only person who was not a person of color in the room, nor did anyone insinuate so. I'm not the smoothest, socially, but I mostly just listened and laughed at jokes sometimes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner overheard others talking about me later, and told me the direct quote, &quot;Get out of here white boy. This is a program for minorities.&quot; My partner said it was a joke, and I trust their judgment of the tone, but still, they say it hurts them a lot, and it hurts me, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recognize that this space is home for people who often feel silenced and definitely isn't mine to claim, but I'm conflicted because I'm hurt and alienated and I can't visit the home of a person I love without feeling ashamed of my race/appearance/cultural background.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Should I do anything here, or is it more important to acknowledge my privileged comfort everywhere else I go? I also risk embarrassing my partner or making their home life harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) If so, how? I thought about asking one of the program participants for a private conversation on e.g. whether I'm really not welcome there because I'm white and how it would make sense to maintain my relationship with my partner, but it isn't those folks' responsibility to spend energy solving the problem I have with their relatively normal humor. I also don't know which person to talk to. They're acquaintances at most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of me also wants them to apologize to my partner, because my partner is suddenly very uncomfortable where they live and that seems like pretty concrete harm to me that won't be diffused easily. I'm thinking that will be better served as my partner's initiative, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20238" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T22:40:05.387" Title="Should I try to react to behind-the-back insults in my partner's minority outreach program?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;college&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-24T04:39:09.480" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16883" CreationDate="2018-07-23T22:42:53.860" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Side Note: I'd suggest asking this in the &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;Workplace Stack Exchange&lt;/a&gt; to get a more professional perspective for this type of coworker conflict avoidance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding dealing with Sue, if your description of her having a toxic and narcissistic personality is true, I can't imagine she'd react well to you saying, &quot;I don't want to interact socially with you in the workplace&quot;. Sue could report to your supervisor regarding you &quot;making the workplace hostile&quot;.  Especially if there's a full-time offer from this company in your future, any conflict like this could jeopardize this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My recommendation is to take the passive route and avoid her at all costs. Stop messaging her about plans during and after work hours. If she interjects in a conversation, excuse yourself to the restroom or back to your desk. If she seeks you out to try to chat you up at your desk, just say you have a lot of work to do and can't talk much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking for experience, I was stuck with someone very similar during a six month school project, and they made working on said project super uncomfortable and borderline unbearable. My suggestion is to do the bare minimum to maintain an amicable relationship with Sue, and leave it at that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T22:42:53.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16905" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16875" CreationDate="2018-07-23T22:54:47.653" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can relate to your question because I have been there too. Here is some advice from what I have learned from others and from past experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's a help vampire taking advantage of you, and it sounds like this has gone too far to salvage the situation. Assuming she doesn't provide anything for you in return, it's time to start saying no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to Just Say No&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have decided not to do that anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't add any fake reasons or excuses.&lt;/strong&gt; People (especially help vampires) tend to look for ways around perceived obstacles if you give them the opportunity. For instance, if you say &quot;I'm too busy right now&quot;, they will think that they can ask you tomorrow, or next week. That's why it's very important when you say no to not attach any fake excuse to it. You may feel like this is impolite, but remember that honesty is better for both parties than setting false expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't give any reasons.&lt;/strong&gt; She's an adult. Sure can figure out why if she wants, but you aren't obligated to spell it out for her. If she asks you why, just repeat that you simply have decided not to. I'll add more about what to do if (more likely when) she asks again.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't say &quot;I'm sorry&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt; An apology implies guilt. Help vampires love to use guilt to manipulate you. You are doing nothing wrong at all--your neighbor should be grateful you did anything at all for her!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;When She Asks Again&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for her to ask you again, either in the future or immediately after. She will try to test the boundary you just set. It's important to stick to the points above, repeating yourself if necessary. I have found the following phrase to be quite potent for this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have already said no. Please don't ask me again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Notes&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal is to be polite, but firm. Try to keep your temper under control. If you feel like you're going to yell, just excuse yourself and walk away. Take some deep breaths and try to think about something else. Phone a friend, go for a bike ride, or play a video game. She isn't worth stressing yourself out!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, your neighbor won't be pleased with you. If she's a decent person at all and you handle yourself calmly and maturely, she may get over it and respect you. But don't expect this. She may hold a grudge or get mad at you. Don't take it personally if this happens. This is not your fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This won't be easy, and might be a little stressful, but you will be relieved once this is over! Best of luck to you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3145" LastEditorUserId="3145" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T18:23:03.357" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T18:23:03.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16906" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-23T23:26:27.813" Score="2" ViewCount="624" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a large city on the west coast of North America. There is a reputation for people here to be unfriendly. I'm trying to make new friends or even a new group of friends. The reason I am doing this is because&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A lot of my old friends I had since high school haven't grown up or matured&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Two of my close friends were in a car accident which left them with permanent injuries. They are very self conscious about being in public and I'm looking for people that are into more activities (like going to the beach or on a hike).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people see it as impolite or unacceptable to go to an event where you don't already know most people there. One time I was living with roommates and the people in the basement invited us to a barbecue in the back yard. I told my roommate I had steak in the fridge and he said &quot;oh, that would be better if you already have a reason instead of just showing up to hangout with them&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is an open ended question but is there anything that should be kept in mind when hanging out with people where you only know one or none of them? Is there any way to communicate I'm just interested in meeting new people without coming across as needy or lonely? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently made friends with one person and asked what he was up to. He invited me to a bar with 5 other of his friends, none of which I knew. It was nice but I kind of felt like I was intruding as everyone else already knew each other. Perhaps when meeting new people it's best if there's an activity that's not just sitting and drinking? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In response to comments, I'm not looking for specific instructions on how to meet people or how to &quot;forge a friendship&quot;. I'm more looking for a response to give in a situation when I'm new to a group and someone asks &quot;if you don't know anyone why are you here?&quot; when the actual reason is I'm trying to meet new people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20244" LastEditorUserId="20244" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T08:50:39.103" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T08:50:39.103" Title="Making brand new friends without coming across as needy" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-07-24T04:38:29.107" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16884" CreationDate="2018-07-23T23:40:27.543" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just tell them I'll have a look at it, and they can make me a cup of tea (or coffee or water for that matter - something trivial) and after I have assessed what is needed, if it's gonna be a big deal, burned out power supply or fried hard drive or other hardware issue,  then let them know that they will need to take it to a shop to have it repaired.  Especially easy if all you have with you are a small screwdriver and a few disks and/or usb sticks with your &quot;magic&quot; software on them, and if it's something you can take care of with your &quot;magic&quot; software or unjam their printer, then that's worth your time to be a friendly neighbour! Then the repercussions of the next failure are not your problem :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20245" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T23:40:27.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16906" CreationDate="2018-07-23T23:43:41.330" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Perhaps when meeting new people it's best if there's an activity that's not just sitting and drinking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go find a new hobby that involves being around other people. That way, it's not weird that you're there: everyone there is accomplishing the same thing. If you like the activity but don't like the group, find a new place to do that thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10744" LastActivityDate="2018-07-23T23:43:41.330" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16884" CreationDate="2018-07-23T23:54:52.030" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;My go-to when someone insists on repaying me for something I want to do out of kindness is to suggest grabbing lunch (or dinner, or a beer, whatever is appropriate) together sometime.  That way I get to spend more time getting to know them, we're both getting something out of the repayment, and I get to control (somewhat) how much they are actually spending on me by my menu choice.  Even better, if you let them choose the location you are letting them set an effective range for what &lt;em&gt;they're&lt;/em&gt; comfortable with offering in compensation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I do this instead of asking for a skills-based return favor is that I find a shared activity lets you get to know the other person much better than trading skills. I took guitar lessons from a good friend of mine, but he had to act very different during the lessons because he was in 'job mode.' I would not have gotten to know him as well if that was how I first interacted with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20243" LastEditorUserId="20243" LastEditDate="2018-07-24T18:14:11.200" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T18:14:11.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16875" CreationDate="2018-07-24T00:20:48.200" Score="-7" Body="&lt;p&gt;My understanding of the situation is that she feels that it's hard for you to say no, probably due to some sympathy and she uses that to exploit you. I'd say she does that just to make herself feel proud about how this woman swings guys to the left or to the right. Nothing criminal on the other hand, we all play this game without even noticing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people just like to feel the advantage, i.e. friendship, business, work, family it's all the same - there's always a side with advantage and side with disadvantage. It's rare that two persons value each other equally, there's always side which overvalues and undervalues a mutual relation. It's all in our heads, the more you really value a person, the less value you emotionally produce for that person. It's like comparing a toy you already have with a toy that you want to get. So never expose your good or bad feelings it's always a loss for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case you obviously overvalue your friendship. Imagine yourself asking for the same favor a person who you really respect? Feels unreal right? That's because you value that person and your friend doesn't value you the same way like you value her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all be positive about the situation itself, your final aim is gaining positive emotions for you and your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make your weak side your strong side, take advantage of communication, it's hard to come out with universal formula but if I were you I'd add some chilly to communication. It can always become subject for any kinds of discussions. It shouldn't be something that you care about it can be totally random joke. But be tolerant, elegant and respectful of what you say. For example I would extend the topic into uncomfortable zone and try to return it back to a person who was asking an uncomfortable question, making this person answer the harder question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good example in your case is a dating topic (or pick the one you like). So that the next time you see her, don't wait till she asks you for fixing her phone, ask her when she will be available for a fixing it. Demonstrate the fact that you're joking, put a smile on your face. Such strategy would allow you to start laughing at any point time and thus reducing the chance of being misunderstood to nearly zero. Also it will seamlessly change your image in your relations and show her that you're gaining your advantage back. There are plenty continuations for such communication, there should be couple rounds of jokes. If she picks time, make it explicitly understood that you joking about having a date with her at this time. If she asks to fix her phone right now you can say something like &quot;Moment, babe, lemme take a shower first, I'll be back in 5 mins...&quot;. If she asks to download music suggest some romantic music. The list is infinite... All these tricks keep you on top of the communication thus demonstrate advantage, acting this way would make it simpler for you to say no to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The strategy is to make it hard for her to bounce your jokes back, after she fails to do so couple of times, she will feel her advantage diminished and you will be presented with choice to finish communication with something like &quot;Ok, nice chat, see you around&quot; and even if she asks you in such situation to fix her phone, it will be much easier for you to say &quot;Sorry can't do, have a lot of stuff to do at home, let's do it next time&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was originally expecting to drop just couple of lines, but ended with an opus, at least hope it was helpful, cheers!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue you guys raise in your comments it's all about choice, it's about who you decide to be. By saying &lt;strong&gt;&quot;it'll be hard to pull off&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; I say It'll be even harder if you never try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember one story related to this question. I once met my neighbours in an elevator and they had a daughter with them, she was 4-5 years old at that time and I said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey princess! You are so beautiful! Do you have a boyfriend already?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and she said that she had two but she broke up with them because they didn't want to play with her in the sandbox. A funny thing to hear from a 5 y.o. which made me and their parents laughing. I responded that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Then you need a new one, what if I would invite you to a date? Would you go to a date with me? Would you be my girlfriend?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And she said that she will think about it which totally made a day for both me and her parents as all of us were laughing out of funny situation. Than later that day I had to visit those same neighbours to get back my tools they've previously took and as it turned out that my neighbour's mother (or grandmother) was visiting them and as I entered their home their daughter ran towards me and started talking loudly said that if I want her to be my girlfriend I need to make presents first and that it's better to start with ice-cream which made all laughing again. The grandmother (suppose the name is Alice) didn't had the context of the situation and I started explaining what happened in the elevator, and while explaining tried to switch the focus to my neighbours' mother to see how the reaction of daughter would change (suppose kid's name is Jenny). So I told:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You see Mrs. Alice this is the way you loose a girlfriend, you decide to hang out with your friend to play your boy games and bang! You don't have a girlfriend. By the way since I've asked Jenny for a date and she didn't figured out yet whether she want's me as her boyfriend I think I can also ask you about the same thing would you happen to be free this evening? How would you feel for a date tonight?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which made Mrs. Alice also laughing and she started saying something about that she wasn't on a date for more than 30 years already and she couldn't finish her phrase because small Jenny started loudly crying saying that grandmother is beating her boyfriends away. While all of the parents were trying to calm down small Jenny said that she don't need no gifts no ice-cream and want's to go to a date. Which was both totally awkward and funny but nevertheless instructive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The moral of this story is that you can address the same joke to any age and even gender (but yeah, it should be appropriate though or at least wrapped accordingly). It works up until the point when you don't feel for what you say. If so it can be easily perceived as joke with no external effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the second part of the moral (it doesn't come directly from story, but...) the grownups are also children with little more developed games and toys. If you try imagining a person you in front of you as a kid, you will address and treat this person accordingly. So It's all about how you perceive surrounding people. The state of dominance or suppression is based on your internal evaluation of a person. If you see your score lower than the person you are talking to, you would downgrade into submission, dominance otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just know that having your score always high turns you into people-hating sociopath and low score makes you a submissive masochist beaten by everyone for no reason. Train to look at people under different angles. Improve your internal evaluation balance, seek for cooperation, respond with conflict for hostility. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cheers!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20246" LastEditorUserId="20246" LastEditDate="2019-05-04T17:52:48.993" LastActivityDate="2019-05-04T17:52:48.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16915" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16906" CreationDate="2018-07-24T04:06:33.170" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty sure I live in the same area, I feel your pain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Check out Meetup.com, it's a great low commitment route to finding at least some other people with common interests.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like going to Meetups because the events are usually low stress, low commitment, low cost.  Then if there's anyone I hit it off with, we just plan to have a beer/coffee at some future time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meetups in my experience will usually have kind of a core group who show up frequently and a good chunk of first timers, stragglers, people just there to hang out and listen, whatever.  Then others who only come occasionally but are still active in the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The definite key is not targeting people, but activities.  Then, you will meet people who have pre-selected themselves for having a common interest with you and also wanting to go out and meet new people.  Bam, that's like half the battle won right there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13447" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T04:06:33.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16916" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16883" CreationDate="2018-07-24T06:01:15.777" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're handling it fine, it sounds like you'd like Sue to &quot;get the message sooner&quot; but you can't control how another person interprets your actions. You can of course be very direct, but this approach involves more pain, confrontation and drama than slowly letting things fizzle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've set some boundaries, and now you just need to come up with polite ways to deflect her requests to interact on your personal time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to note most people with normal boundaries recognize they're not entitled to access their colleague's personal life. You can politely say no, but if she keeps bugging you, it's on her not you. All you owe her is a string of polite and professional &quot;no&quot;s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Useful phrases may include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;sorry I'm going to have to decline the road trip, I usually have a lot on my plate in the summer - but I do look forward to seeing you if we bump into each other on the professional circuit&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;this won't work with my schedule, I'm going to decline the offer.&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you say no, change the topic by asking her a question so she answers that. Like &quot;where are you thinking of applying to for jobs?&quot; / &quot;what's the best roadtrip you've taken&quot; etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note, it's not a lie to say hanging out with her won't work with your schedule / you're busy, since there's a million other things you'd probably rather being doing, even if it's just hanging out at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14371" LastEditorUserId="14371" LastEditDate="2018-07-28T06:49:21.853" LastActivityDate="2018-07-28T06:49:21.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16884" CreationDate="2018-07-24T08:26:17.980" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have some very real concerns when accepting pay for these kind of computer jobs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I charge for it, I´ll have to do bookkeeping and add it to my income tax statement etc. I can´t be bothered to do that for such jobs. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can only provide such a favor, if and when I have the time. I have a stressful job, and some weeks I just can´t help you - even if your daughters birthday is coming up and your printer is jammed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can not provide any warranty and won´t take over any professional liabilities.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As IT Professional my rates are way higher than what is justified for such mundane tasks. That´s why at work, somebody else does look after my machine. So there is no way i´m helping you when we apply economic measures.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually explain these things just like that. That makes it clear that not only is it impractical to pay me, it also does not imply any obligations for the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I´ll also mention that I really like to unwind to a good scotch or a cigar. Or I would be happy share a home cooked meal. So a lot of options if you feel you owe me and don´t want to leave a favor open. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T08:26:17.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16775" CreationDate="2018-07-24T09:07:34.480" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unpopular answer time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This upset her and she said I should stay alone forever after she died&#xA;  and should never love someone else even many years after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is, in my opinion, not a good sign. If she is prepared to make such harsh statements in response you not wanting to play her 'hypothetical clichéd romance' game then it's a sign that she's probably a bit emotionally immature and probably somewhat insecure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also if she cannot process the concept of you loving someone else after she's gone then it may also be a sign that she's a bit clingy or overprotective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you play along with her games, you'll just be encouraging her to do it more, and you'll have to be willing to put up with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time she asks you a question along those lines ask if it's a hypothetical question or not. If she says it's hypothetical, be sure to prefix your answer with something along the lines of &quot;I do not like these kinds of hypothetical questions because I'm not very good at thinking about hypothetical questions that could never happen&quot;, then proceed to try to come up with some kind of answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep this up for a while and hopefully she'll get the message. If she still doesn't get the message after several attempts, refuse to answer and state something like &quot;I keep telling you that I don't like these kinds of ridiculous hypothetical questions but you keep ignoring me. Why do you insist on continuing to ask them when you know that I don't like them?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even relationships need some boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T09:07:34.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16884" CreationDate="2018-07-24T09:24:57.340" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in this position several times myself and can see why you find it difficult, because &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; that you suggest in return for what you did is kind of the same as asking for payment. Even asking for an unspecified &quot;favour&quot; in the future can seem kind of ominous - in fact some people would find that even more troubling, left wondering about what you might expect them to do and when you might &quot;cash in&quot; the favour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But many people are left feeling bad if they accept a favour without giving something in return because they feel like they are in somebody's debt, and if your neighbour feels that way then suggesting something they can give you is helping them. It is all down to the way you ask. It sounds from your question that you really don't want or expect anything in return, which is incredibly benevolent of you. So why not say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't need any payment from you. Computers are what I do, so this is no trouble for me at all. I'm happy to use what I know to help my neighbour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find this is a good approach for two reasons, firstly because by saying &quot;&lt;em&gt;this is what I do&lt;/em&gt;&quot; you are assuring them this isn't difficult, but also it is the most subtle hint that perhaps there is something &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; do that would be no trouble to offer as a favour in return. Maybe they enjoy gardening and they'll offer to trim your hedge next time they do theirs? This is asking without asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't get the subtle hint and still insist they give you something, you have a couple of choices. They may feel bad if they don't give you something, so you could suggest something nominal. You already thought of asking for a beer. Once you meet your neighbour in their home it shouldn't be difficult to assess if buying a beer will be difficult (if they are infirm and can't get to the store easily) or if it might offend them (they're super-strict teetotallers). One of my colleagues who also works in IT says they deal with this situation by asking for the smallest denomination bill without any hesitation - something that anybody can afford - so that is a second option if you don't think that is cheeky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't think of anything. Buy me a beer if you really feel you got to give me something, but honestly, I'm just happy to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also there are lots of ways someone can &quot;buy you a beer&quot; without any trouble. They might already have some in the house. Or some might just put the price of a beer in your hand. Of course the polite thing to do is accept it graciously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-07-24T09:41:15.830" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T09:41:15.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16869" CreationDate="2018-07-24T10:01:28.753" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This might not be what you want to hear, but you need to be clear and you need to accept that you will be the &quot;bad guy&quot; in this situation.&#xA;You feel bad about breaking his heart? Fine. But you already decided you're going to do that (and for good reasons!), so don't try to make your feeling bad about it his problem as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying don't let him down easy, but telling him you really care about him and you want to stay friends is a cruel thing to do.&#xA;A lot of people don't seem to realize how manipulative this is (though to be fair, a lot of people probably don't even mean it to be, they just don't think about it and honestly believe they're being nice).&#xA;Because it's not making it easier on him, it's making it easier on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's smart and strong-willed, he'll flat out tell you no and take that breakup for what it is. &#xA;But since feelings are feelings, his thoughts might just go into this direction:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Fine, she broke up with me, but she did tell me she really cares for&#xA;  me... there might still be hope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might even go as far as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As long as I stay friends with her, I will still get chances to change&#xA;  her mind. So it's not a total loss yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then he does stay around you and you're constantly breaking his heart again and again (even if on much smaller scales).&#xA;Then you start dating and it gets even more difficult for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only he can't even really blame you because you're just friends now after all. Obviously he must have known what he got himself into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point, he might be able to get over you. But you're making it unnecessarily difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's kind of like saying &lt;code&gt;I don't want to be with you anymore, but I'm happy to torture you for a while&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm well aware that some people do manage to stay friends with their exes. As far as my personal experience goes (myself and friends), most of those friendships aren't real (meaning one side still has feelings for the other) and the few that are still had the person who got broken up with go through a tougher time than necessary before they finally moved on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you really care about him: Be tough. Make a clean break and let him move on. Don't string him along in a friendship when you're fully aware he wants more.&#xA;You can try to befriend him again once he has moved on, though let's be completely honest: That might be never. (It might also be a few weeks after the breakup of course. Who knows?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But do not try to befriend him while he's still hung up on you. I can't stress this enough. It might soften the blow at first and make you feel less bad about it all, but you're simply preventing him from moving on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or to use an analogy a friend of mine once told me: Just because you feel bad about shooting him doesn't mean you should feed him a slow and painful poison instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2165" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T10:01:28.753" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16922" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-24T10:32:54.157" Score="8" ViewCount="880" Body="&lt;p&gt;People like to tell me their problems, I'm not sure why, but everyone I know does it a lot. Such as friends, family and partner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue I have is that when they moan about something or tell me an issue, I get frustrated when they don't actively take steps to fix the issue or problem. It's especially worse when it's a repeating issue with one, such example being my mother, talking about one of her co-workers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her problem is that co-worker does not do some of the things required from her role and she has to pick up the slack. Now this is a weekly if not daily issue and she tells me about it all the time. But when I asked her what she has done about it, she told me that she did nothing. I said she could talk to the co-worker in question and explain to her the things she is missing or talk to her bosses and explain what is the problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I give her a solution she point blank, refuses to do anything and just accept it as a problem but still rants about it every other day. This frustrates me to no end and cannot see why someone wouldn't take action to resolve an issue that is upsetting you. This can cause arguments and upset her sometimes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to my mom and others about my getting frustrated when this situation occurs? How can I communicate that I won't give advice if she continues to complain?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16197" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-07-24T14:49:35.640" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T17:44:37.613" Title="How can I communicate that I am getting frustrated when people tell me their problems?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-07-29T19:10:43.667" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16923" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16924" CreationDate="2018-07-24T10:54:45.327" Score="18" ViewCount="30888" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My boyfriend (bf) is 21, living at home.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is the youngest of three boys (his brothers are 29 and 23 respectively, neither of them are at home much).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His parents are 54 (mom) and 65 (dad).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am 21 and living alone (renting)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Apologies for the mini novel, just wanted to give as much background as I could. TL;DR at the bottom, I would advise reading that first then read the novel to fill in any blanks if needed.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in the middle of a conversation with my bf last night (via IM) when he disappeared for the majority of two hours - I assumed he was just really caught up in a game (he was telling me he was going to be playing Overcooked with his brother who was visiting) or that he'd fallen asleep after the busy weekend we had and was just wiped out. No big deal or anything - up until the point that I was about to go to bed myself (this was around 23:30). I sent him a message to say goodnight and that I'd talk to him soon and I had just put my phone down when a message came in from him. I checked it, thinking it would be a goodnight text, but instead I was greeted with the message&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I need to get out of here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wasn't really sure what to make of this and was sort of worried by it so I replied asking him what was up. He told me he had spent the guts of the past two hours arguing with his mom. I sat up with him to talk about what had happened for about an hour and just let him rant about his mom and his dad and get it out of his system, all the while trying to keep a fair view and give helpful answers to his questions/statements. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's a normal thing to have fights with parents on occasion but my bf is almost always butting heads with either his mom or his dad or both of them. It's getting to the stage where he doesn't want to be at home because of how badly they get on. I can understand where he's coming from, I used to not get on all that well with my mom but when I moved out, things changed, and now we get along like a house on fire. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My bf's parents are very much results oriented, i.e., no matter what it is that my bf does they need to see good results from it in order for them to think of it as being worthwhile, be it in exams, work life etc.. If they can't see any results for themselves then whatever it was was a waste of time as far as they are concerned. They tend to pick on him about things even though he could have just completed a really hard task in work or got accepted into some course he really wanted and worked hard to get into - if they can't immediately see results from something he does it gets shot down on him. It's like they need a piece of paper with a grade on it to show them what he did was worthwhile. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to support my bf and I want him to know that I'm always there for him but at the same time I don't exactly want to get dragged into this in such a way that it puts my relationship with his parents in a bad place. They're great people, I personally get along very well with them and I know they like me, but I think because he is the youngest in the family, they just don't see him as a capable, independent adult and that may be the main problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last thing I want is for anything to come between him and his parents in such a way that it ruins their relationship permanently. I'm not looking for a solution to this problem (though if anyone has got one, &lt;em&gt;I am all ears&lt;/em&gt;), I'm mainly just wondering if anybody has any advice on dealing with this kind of situation that I could impart onto my bf to help him out. &lt;strong&gt;He is living at home at the minute as he is trying to save money for college next year so moving out isn't on the cards.&lt;/strong&gt; He also knows he can stay with me any time he wants no questions asked but that's not always feasible due to prior commitments either of us have made. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My bf is constantly fighting with his parents and I want to help him and support him without ending up in his parents bad books. I currently lend an ear to him and offer advice/a shoulder to lean on when he comes to me about a fight with his parents - there is nothing wrong with this and it works really well, I'm just wondering if there is more that I could do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is living at home to save money for college so moving out isn't an option. Both his brothers are moved out but visit every now and again so for the most part it's just him and his parents in the house. I am living alone (renting) and he is welcome to stay with me anytime, but that's not always possible due to prior commitments either/both of us have made. Any advice on how to offer more support to him? I'm not looking for solutions to his problem, he's the only one that can do that realistically, just looking for other peoples experiences with this kind of situation and what they did to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If any more info is needed, please don't hesitate to ask and I will edit as needed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19380" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-07-24T11:41:49.223" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T16:45:45.573" Title="My boyfriend has issues with his parents, how do I support him without ending up in his parents bad books?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-07-25T18:12:46.283" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16923" CreationDate="2018-07-24T11:40:04.047" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some of the best support I received when I was going through tough times was an open ear.  &lt;strong&gt;Listen to your boyfriend and be sympathetic about his current situation, and offer some kind, reassuring words to calm him down.&lt;/strong&gt;  Sometimes all people need is someone to be understanding about their situation and &lt;em&gt;just listen&lt;/em&gt;.  It's a passive approach that allows you to maintain your relationship with his parents and still support him at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think there is a way to &lt;em&gt;actively&lt;/em&gt; support your boyfriend and also not end up in his parent's &quot;bad books&quot; at the same time.  Even standing up for your boyfriend on small issues will be remembered by his parents, and this will compound over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T11:40:04.047" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16923" CreationDate="2018-07-24T12:24:12.197" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Parents who are overly-demanding and controlling are not really fully-developed as people themselves. It is well &lt;a href=&quot;https://psychologenie.com/controlling-parents&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;recognised in psychology&lt;/a&gt;, and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/overly-controlling-parents-cause-their-children-lifelong-psychological-damage-says-study-10485172.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;known to be damaging&lt;/a&gt; to children, even grown children like your bf. As you say, it doesn't mean they are bad people - they probably see it as caring, or an expression of their love. They want the best for their son; the problem is they want what &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; dogmatically believe is the best and do not consider what he may want out of life. They think they know better than he does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is confusing because your bf is an adult. True, you're both &lt;em&gt;young adults&lt;/em&gt; so you're still developing as people yourself to a degree. The smartest people are those who acknowledge they can always learn and develop. But the way his parents are behaving is frustrating to an adult because (a) they are still treating him like a child, and (b) in a way they are behaving like children themselves and your bf is under pressure to respond to their demands in much the same way that a parent has to respond to a crying baby. We all want to please our parents, and when they make that impossible it is highly upsetting and frustrating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First rule: &lt;strong&gt;don't speak negatively about his parents&lt;/strong&gt;. No matter what they say or do, or how much they  drive him crazy, he will still love them. He will defend them if you attack them, and instead of you being a support to him you will become the &lt;em&gt;perpetrator&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A psychology model I personally find very helpful to understand is the &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Karpman Drama Triangle&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Basically, the idea is that in every conflict there are three roles: a victim, a persecutor, and a rescuer. But the main idea is that these roles &lt;em&gt;shift&lt;/em&gt;. Right now your bf's parents are causing him difficulties, so they are the persecutor, he is the victim, and you are the one wanting to rescue him. But a wrong word against his parents could force &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; into the persecutor role, his parents the victims, and he will rush to the rescue of his parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Supporting&quot; means helping him to do what &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; wants to do, so the most helpful thing you can do in support of him is talk to him using a method similar to how a counsellor would. Listen carefully to his problems, and then draw him out with questions to help him reach his own conclusions and his own answer to the problem. Ask him &lt;em&gt;why he thinks his parents are like this&lt;/em&gt;. This will help both of you have empathy for them. Then perhaps ask him &lt;em&gt;whether or not he thinks trying to please them will actually make anybody happy - them, or him&lt;/em&gt;. The answer, if it comes honestly from him, is almost certainly &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt;. If they are always like this, they are never happy, and nor is he.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer that hopefully you can guide him to is that he needs to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop worrying about pleasing his parents.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop &lt;em&gt;trying&lt;/em&gt; to please them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Live his life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe his parents, if they are the good people you say they are, will never abandon their son. So he wants to waste a little time playing &lt;em&gt;Overcooked&lt;/em&gt; (it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a great game, I met the developers and played a beta of this about 5 years ago!), some parents worry that their kids are wasting their life with recreation instead of studying or working, but it isn't the sort of thing that makes parents disown their kids and write them out of their will. They really need to get over this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See if he is willing to trial some new behaviour. He should try telling his parents what he is doing, with a smile, and then when they explode just keep smiling and &lt;em&gt;don't take the bait&lt;/em&gt;. Let &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; get frustrated, but he mustn't get angry yourself. Your bf needs to learn that his own happiness does not hinge on trying to please his parents. Everybody in this drama is responsible for their own happiness. Likewise his parents need to learn to let go and stop controlling, and a change in behaviour from their son might force them to accept that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-07-26T07:58:32.383" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T07:58:32.383" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16926" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16964" CreationDate="2018-07-24T12:27:06.493" Score="2" ViewCount="672" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some information upfront: I'm 21, our group of friends is between 18-21, we're all from Germany.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problem is, all of my friends and I meet up frequently to smoke a hookah (pretty common here in Germany), which I try to quit at the moment. Works to an extent so far, sometimes I just give in and smoke. I feel like they won't invite me to go out anymore, if I tell them I quit it for good, because literally every weekend got something to do with hookah lounges or something similar. Not that I think they wouldn't want me around them anymore. But I feel like they would figure I don't want to come because I quit smoking and thus not invite me in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of my friends are getting minimum to under minimum wages. I myself am getting paid way better than them, because I'm working in a big company whilst writing my bachelor thesis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I try to suggest something they always decline by saying they don't have any money to go there, don't have enough money to drive there by bus or just don't have any interest do go there. Sport activities also just get dumped as soon as I suggest it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I communicate to my friends that I, although I stopped smoking, still want to join them when they go out, because I value them and enjoy their company?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I also would like to communicate that we should do other stuff too, without being annoying, since I am not 100% sure these excuses of not having enough money are always true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T11:42:23.790" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T13:32:04.097" Title="Getting along with group of friends after quitting smoking hookah?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;toxic-people&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16884" CreationDate="2018-07-24T13:03:30.963" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I ask them to &quot;pay it forward&quot;. I would phrase it similar to, &quot;I am happy to help you just to be neighborly. If you feel like you owe me something, please pay it forward by helping someone else in the future.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also like donating to charity, but then I have to think about if the charity I like will also be one they will approve of, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1974" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T13:03:30.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16930" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-07-24T14:17:56.297" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-07-24T14:17:56.297" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T14:17:56.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16931" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-07-24T14:17:56.297" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Malaysia, or the Malaysian culture. " OwnerUserId="321" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2018-07-24T14:40:34.937" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T14:40:34.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16932" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16923" CreationDate="2018-07-24T14:20:47.437" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on my own experience with a father who was loving but didn't appreciate what I did as a software developer (I think he thought I was a keypunch operator) I'd take a two pronged approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, as you are doing, let your boyfriend blow off steam to you, and as he is doing so, give him some validation that he's not getting from his parents.  Remind him that &lt;strong&gt;yes, he has accomplished something&lt;/strong&gt;.  This is really important, because no matter what his rational mind says, if his parents are telling him what he's doing isn't worthwhile, he's absorbing that message.  He needs that counter-message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, you can support your boyfriend with his parents without getting into an argument with them.  Bring up his accomplishments when there isn't an argument going on.  In other words, you aren't defending him or disagreeing with them, you are giving them &quot;news&quot; like &quot;wow, he managed to do X!&quot;.  Hearing this as an accomplishment from a third party (you) is going to give it some validation in their eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T14:20:47.437" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16933" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16869" CreationDate="2018-07-24T14:29:27.530" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd take the opposite of the upvoted advice - do not make it about you, but about him otherwise you're dumping him and flattering him at the same time.  How will he grow from this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been on the receiving end of &lt;em&gt;it's not you, it's me&lt;/em&gt; and I intuitively knew it was dishonest and it was unhelpful.  That's a double slam: I get dumped and I can't grow from a failure?  Can you imagine something worse than not being able to improve?  You start this exactly this way, &quot;I could dump you and say it's me and not give you feedback, but I feel that would be mean as you could never grow after this relationship.&quot;  This is &lt;strong&gt;honest&lt;/strong&gt; and it's much kinder than lying; a lie that prevents growth is awful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is it about him that you don't like or that makes you feel you're just friends?  Really &lt;em&gt;feel this&lt;/em&gt; out.  Tell him.  If you feel no butterflies, tell him &quot;I never feel butterflies around you.  I'm sorry.&quot;  Whatever makes you feel like he's just a friend, tell him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two of you are over, but he can in the least grow after this.  He'll learn from this.  If you pretend it's all on you and not him, he can't grow.  He'll simply feel terrible about being dumped and will feel there's no hope.  That's the worst thing you could do to someone.  Feedback may temporarily hurt, but that hurt leads to growth.  By constrast, no feedback does nothing for the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To relate my own example, a girl dumped me and gave me honest feedback about why (unlike the &lt;em&gt;it's not you, it's me&lt;/em&gt; girl).  It took a year, but I improved from the feedback and I later met an amazing person that I know I would never have been good enough for.  I am still good friends with the girl who dumped me because she was honest and I have a ton of respect for her.  It took courage, but we're both happier and much healthier as people.  That could be you and him; if you truly value his friendship, make sure that he gets a chance to grow as a person from this.  You'll be really glad later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16655" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T14:29:27.530" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16934" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16923" CreationDate="2018-07-24T15:44:01.037" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in a situation in the recent past that did not go well with my parents. I am also from a family of 3 boys, me being the middle one. It was hard to get my views across to my parents. At the time, it was my older brother who came to my rescue. He understood my point of view of what I did. So, he spoke with them to make them understand. Based on how your BF's relationship is with his brothers, I would suggest that you talk to your BF and ask him to talk to his brothers about it. If they have been through the same thing and they care for their brother, they can step in. This way, you are still the caring GF. Since the brother's are taking care of it, your reputation with your BF's parents is not affected. Plus, since one of them is about 29, by which time, I guess he is in a better of place life and career wise, his support for his brother might have some value even if he says the same thing that your BF says. Considering he is the youngest in the family and given the nature of the family, I doubt this would change easily. But they have to keep at it. And your BF needs to keep doing his best in everything so that when results do come, his parents can see it for themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worst case scenario, he may have to move out, even if not now, after a while, and things might change for him. And seeing how he takes care of himself, maybe his parents also grow softer. But throughout this, your BF needs to stay strong and not give up and not do anything crazy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11916" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T15:44:01.037" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16935" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-24T15:54:16.240" Score="3" ViewCount="565" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner and I are currently in a bit of a quandary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there were say 4 people travelling, two in a relationship and two not, and the two not in a relationship happen to be of the same sex, would it be fair to your partner to go on a trip within that group of people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we've read some things and know what the typical juvenile response is to this, if there's no cheating then it is fine. Of course. But that is not always the point. If a member of the opposite sex asked me to spend the night at their place alone, and of course no sex involved, I would not do it, because it is plainly disrespectful to my partner to expect they tolerate that behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we are wondering if this situation is acceptably tolerable to a partner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are both quite young, one of us is later 20's and the potential traveler is early 20's, if that matters&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20280" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T15:54:16.240" Title="Is it fair or appropriate to travel with single members of the opposite sex?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-07-24T16:29:54.227" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16922" CreationDate="2018-07-24T17:40:18.340" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a funny video about couples communication that made the rounds relatively recently, but it applies here as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;It's not about the nail&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think what may be happening here is that you are the man in this scenario and your mom (or other people) are the woman. They're not looking for answers, they're looking for someone to listen. The problem is that a person like the man in the video, in the spirit of wanting to help, can only think of solutions, which can come off as lack of empathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifically regarding your mother, you could start with a &quot;joke&quot;: the next time she starts to talk about her day, you jump in with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let me guess, so-and-so did X again, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then quickly jump into the meat so you don't seem passive-aggresive:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom, I love you, and I want to hear about your day. However, you've complained about this same individual doing this exact same thing for (X amount of time). When I've offered suggestions for how to fix the problem, you seem like you're refusing to take any action, which makes it seem like you enjoy complaining about the action more than you hate the action itself. Is that the case?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, this can generate dialogue to get to the root of the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the issue in general, when people tell you about their problems, perhaps preface your comments with something akin to the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you looking for help/suggestions here, or are you just venting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then adjust your comments accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10744" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T17:40:18.340" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16938" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-24T17:49:37.017" Score="37" ViewCount="11239" Body="&lt;p&gt;I ran into a rather nasty one this past weekend. I was out with a close friend at a party and could very clearly hear people making exceptionally nasty homophobic and transphobic comments, up to and including threats of physical violence towards us. My friend and I are both queer, and she's trans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it was as disgusting as that sort of thing always is, what really bothered me most about it was seeing people I'd hung out with earlier in the evening sitting with these horrible people and doing absolutely nothing to stop it. Like these people claimed to want to be friends and hangout with us in the future, and they were in a position to put a stop to it, they could have said something about it, but didn't. To be clear, the bystanders weren't outnumbered, they were straight identitified, and seemed somewhat aquainted with the bigots. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What made it worse was having these people come up to us again later and continue this whole song and dance about wanting to be friends and hang out again... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know hateful people will be hateful. If my friend and I had confronted the people who were being hateful to begin with it would have almost certainly escalated the situation toward violence. But the &quot;friendly&quot; bystanders did almost as much damage. The way they didn't even acknowledge the situation, not with the bigots, not even with us after we said something to them about how rude the bigots had been. It was like they wanted to pretend that they hadn't been listening to the bigots, hadn't been sitting right there, awkwardly laughing along with the hateful comments, laughing like they hadn't ever met us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of me wanted to unload on the friendly bystanders... I wanted to hit them square in the face with all the pent up rage from the experience. The other part of me knew better.  They were probably uncomfortable about the whole experience. They were probably afraid to say or do anything. That's probably why they were being extra special friendly afterwards. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All they would have had to do was say something, a simple &quot;hey, chill out, they're friends of ours&quot; could have ended it. Instead it went on until the bigots left the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, my question is, how do I encourage the &quot;friendly&quot; bystanders to do the right thing in situations like these in the future?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clarifications:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The bystanders were friends of my close friend. Not super close friends, but people she had partied with before.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The people making hateful comments were not friends, or even aquaintences. Just people who happened to be at the same party.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This situation draged on for roughly an hour. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As usually happens with these things, the comments started small and gradually got worse, eventually leading to threats of physical violence. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Intervention could have, and probably should have, happened long before things escalated to threats. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Something as simple as changing the subject probably could have worked, if the bystanders had intervened early in the escalation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I doubt the bystanders would have been in any physical danger. Again, the bystanders outnumbered the bigots, were straight identitified, and seemed to be aquainted with the bigots.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Given that many of the bystanders were friends of my friend, and that they wanted to be friendly both before and after the incident, there's no reason to believe that these bystanders were also opposed to trans or queer people.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The goal here is to encourage bystanders to de-escalate situations like this in the future.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T16:16:38.787" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T20:48:39.807" Title="Encouraging bystanders to step up" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16922" CreationDate="2018-07-24T18:36:14.120" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I communicate that I am getting frustrated when people tell me their problems?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Every time I give her a solution she point blank, refuses to do anything and just accept it as a problem but still rants about it every other day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time the same old story comes up:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask what steps they have taken to address the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Remind them of &lt;strong&gt;one&lt;/strong&gt; of the solutions that you provided, ask about the result.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they say they didn't try that, didn't work, not going to do it, ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reply that they have told you about this already, you've offered a solution that they couldn't (didn't/wouldn't) implement and now, having done nothing, they think that repeating this to you is either a &lt;em&gt;solution&lt;/em&gt; for them or something &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; want - explain politely that is a mistaken belief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If each time they thought to address this issue with you they had instead directed their energy in the appropriate direction the matter might have been resolved by now. Instead they have wasted your time, and continue to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing more you have to offer (politely make it sound like they've ignored your well thought out advice, and the time you've taken to offer it), this isn't something you need to hear about again, they ought to bring up a different topic next time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Next time it sounds like they are bringing up the same subject politely interrupt to inquire if you have already addressed this issue with them,  beginning to end. Imply it's not your shortcoming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't know (or care) &lt;strong&gt;then&lt;/strong&gt; remind them that you have in fact addressed this, and don't need to go over it with them again. Regardless of how many times it continues you have done your part, it is time for them to do their part; none of which involves you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T18:36:14.120" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16938" CreationDate="2018-07-24T18:59:17.083" Score="30" Body="&lt;h1&gt;In the Moment&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think there is much you can do while actually in the moment that is safe.  There is a lot of context that can change the situation.  For example, if alcohol is involved I would be a lot less direct than if they were sober.  The one thing that I would suggest to try no matter the context would be to &lt;strong&gt;make direct eye contact with a friend and stare.&lt;/strong&gt;  Make them feel guilty for not speaking up.  Shame is very powerful in our society and direct eye contact might make them take action, which is similar to why people won't do deviant things in public (usually) because of the shame that will follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also mention this to the staff for them to deal with.  Making physical threats toward someone isn't acceptable no matter who it is on the receiving end, and the manager is perfectly equipped to handle this.  This isn't exactly an IPS solution but it might be the one that works the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Approaching the group to try and talk with your friends can be risky, as the hostile members &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; possibly see this as a threat.  I stress the word &amp;quot;could&amp;quot; because, as I stated above, it varies wildly from person to person and if alcohol is involved, along with a bunch of other factors.  I wouldn't recommend this unless you are 100% confidant and comfortable doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;After the Incident&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mention the incident to your friends and explain how it made you feel when they are being &amp;quot;extra special friendly&amp;quot; with you.  Let them know that you want them to speak up if this happens again, using &amp;quot;I feel...&amp;quot; statements to avoid direct confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like they might want to speak up, but are intimidated by the hostile people, or because of public shame.  During my times in restaurants I have witnessed many people become hostile at other patrons or servers and start yelling, all the while their family or others with them will look away as to try not to be associated with the actions of the loud person.  This could be the reason why your friends don't want to speak up in public, but I can't be certain.  Ask them why they didn't stand up for you (if you wish to be a bit more confrontational) and see what their responses are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T18:59:17.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16942" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-24T19:31:39.613" Score="0" ViewCount="373" Body="&lt;p&gt;Very specific question, I know, but this is something I've thought about a lot as someone who frequently wears headphones in public and has to contact people in private with them on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often, when a friend/SO is wearing headphones I find it challenging to politely get their attention. I really dread when I don't notice and startle them, or when they aren't expecting me and I'm not sure how to proceed. I've tried tapping surfaces near them, approaching slowly, gentle contact, but nearly all of them seems to startle the listener unless they are prepared for interruption (and, to be fair, the same happens to me as well!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm curious if there is an accepted way to get someone's attention when they're immersed in listening through their headphones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assume there is a polite and needed circumstance to contact the individual, and that they don't necessarily &quot;not want to be bothered&quot;; they just simply aren't expecting to be contacted at that time. It's not good to break someone's boundaries when they don't want to be bothered, but assume a situation like one I've encountered before: friend says to come to their room whenever, but when approached, is listening to music.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19133" LastEditorUserId="19133" LastEditDate="2018-07-24T19:42:42.117" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T09:39:30.060" Title="How do I get a friend's attention in a polite way when they're wearing headphones?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-07-25T13:58:10.307" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16923" CreationDate="2018-07-24T20:02:54.863" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Others have given good advice, so instead I'm going to take a step back and offer what is hopefully some insight into what I think is &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; going on.  This might come off as a little tough, but as an older person who's had to deal with a similar situation, yet who (believe it or not) can still clearly recall what it was like to be in my early twenties, it doesn't seem all that unusual a situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First: Your boyfriend's parents are older people who have an &amp;quot;adult&amp;quot; son who is living at home.  They sound like the sort of people who are willing to give him their support, but since he is an adult, they think he should understand that he can no longer expect to get this for free.  Their largess comes with conditions and expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine you have a friend who comes to you and says&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, can I crash at your apartment until I feel like moving out?  I'm not going to help pay rent, and I expect you to go to work every day and make money to buy us food and pay all the utility bills.  Meanwhile I'm just going to take my money and save up for something personal I plan to do. That's cool, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, I don't think that would be cool at all, and it sounds like that's not really cool with your boyfriend's parents either.  They're willing to give him a break because he's their son, but in return they want him to achieve a measurable result.  Objectively, that doesn't sound too unreasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway. Second, from your boyfriend's perspective:  He's a young, working adult who is trying to put together some money to go to school to improve his employment prospects.  This is a &lt;em&gt;mature&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;commendable&lt;/em&gt; decision, and I'm sure he feels his parents should be proud of and respect his ambitions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, he's growing up and wants to feel independent, yet he's frustrated because this good, long-term decision forces him to remain subject to short-term authority.  This creates perfectly reasonable friction when he tried to assert his right to control his life, and inevitably butts heads with his parents who can't quite let go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll be frank with you -- your parents &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; really stop telling you what to do with your life.  My mother still voices her opinions about my life choices, and it still occasionally gets on my nerves.  I just try to keep in mind that I'm lucky I have parents who care about me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friend once told me something that stuck with me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents start out as your parents, and they make your decisions for you.  As you get older, they become your friends, and you can &lt;em&gt;choose&lt;/em&gt; when to give them control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, as you get even older, they become your &lt;em&gt;children&lt;/em&gt;, and you have to make decisions for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the cycle.  Appreciate being a child for as long as you can, because, sadly, it's over all too soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's as old as time, this friction between the parents, who want their children to stay young forever, and the children, who can't wait to grow up.  It would be really nice if people understood these deep desires and fears that motivate their behavior, and sit down and talk them through, so both sides really understand each other ... but that rarely happens even in those of us who are old enough to know better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with the others that you should lend your boyfriend your ear and your attention and give him emotional support.  I don't think it's your place to get involved in taking sides between him and his parents.  That's his conflict to resolve, hopefully with maturity and patience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you might want to show him this answer, and see if it gives him any insight and understanding of where his parents are coming from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T07:33:10.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16942" CreationDate="2018-07-24T20:05:52.553" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a couple ways to do this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Send them a text message that you're on the way (assuming they have a mobile phone on them and you have their number). This allows them to prepare for your visit.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to get in their line of vision and gesture at them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're showing up at their place, knock louder than usual and ring the doorbell.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good rule of thumb is to get their attention while still maintaining personal space. Even if the person is a close friend to you and touching wouldn't be awkward, they may not be expecting the intrusion of their space and react startled. Also, some people are naturally jumpy and even the most polite gestures can startle them. However, just respect and maintain their personal space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-07-24T20:05:52.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16938" CreationDate="2018-07-24T20:56:09.647" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before you confront your &quot;friends&quot; consider some of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do you think they perceive the abuse the same way you perceived it?  Perhaps they thought it was more good-natured than it was.  If so, focus on educating them about how it felt for you, so that next time they'll know it's serious and they should say something -- or contact the bouncer, the club manager, or even the police, if the situation warrants.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Are they naturally reserved or shy people who would not step forward to assert themselves in &lt;em&gt;any&lt;/em&gt; situation, much less one that might lead to physical confrontation?  If so, recognize they are people who are never going to have your back.  Appreciate them for their attractive qualities, but don't expect them to stand with you against bigotry and intolerance.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Are they really people you want to be friends with?  If not, don't bother trying to teach them anything.  Walk away and hang out with a better class of people.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, people who enable bigots are not really my cup of tea, even if they're only milquetoasts doing it out of innate cowardice.  They'd have to have some other admirable qualities to make me want to have anything more to do with them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if none of the above seem to apply, then I'd deal with it calmly, and try to get their perspective on why they failed to act.  Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey John, the other night when we were at the club and those guys were harassing me and my friend, I thought it was pretty weird you let them go on and on and didn't say anything.  What's up with that?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if they say some rationalization to excuse their behavior, like they didn't think it was their fight, well ... now you know who they really are, and can choose whether to continue enjoying their company.  There's nothing wrong with what I call a &lt;em&gt;contextual&lt;/em&gt; friend, for whom you admire their virtues, and accept (and work around) their faults.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T17:38:11.290" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T17:38:11.290" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16938" CreationDate="2018-07-24T23:47:17.060" Score="-5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I wish we lived in a world where this kind of thing didn't happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You find yourself in a social mix consisting of three sets of people: (A) close friends, (B) some virulent bigots you've never met before, and (C) some casual acquaintances who act like they want to be your friends but stand by passively while group B acts hostile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say the way to deal with this is to leave. Group B are obviously not people you want to be around. Group C seemed nice, but based on random circumstances, they ended up showing what they'd have been like as friends -- unhelpful. You're lucky that you didn't put a lot of time and effort into developing bonds with C before finding out that this was really what they were like in a crunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, my question is, how do I encourage the &quot;friendly&quot; bystanders to do the right thing in situations like these in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On your way out, I would say to C something like this: &quot;B is a bunch of nasty bigots. We're disappointed that you stood by while this happened.&quot; Or if that's too uncomfortable or makes you worried that you'd be exposed to violence before you could complete your exit, you could say the same thing to them later in an email or text (assuming you even had their contact info).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What made it worse was having these people come up to us again later and continue this whole song and dance about wanting to be friends and hang out again... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was a second chance to send a clear message to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2572" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T14:12:35.757" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T14:12:35.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16947" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16949" CreationDate="2018-07-25T00:56:34.433" Score="8" ViewCount="1144" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a dilemma, I'm living in USA and I'm from Latin America (I'm learning to speak English too) so I'm trying to make some friends, I've already found a girl that is very nice, and she wants to hang out with me, but I really don't have much money. &#xA;I want to spend some time with her but I don't know how to tell her that I can't spend so much money without make her feel uncomfortable. I want cheaper (or free) hangout plans.  I also don't want her to spend money on me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My economic current situation:&#xA;I'm in USA legally but for my Visa I can't work, my husband pays all our expenses and he doesn't has much money. I want to study here with a scholarship, in this moment I'm studying to pass the exams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I communicate that I want to spend time with her, but don't have money to spend on her and would rather do free activities?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20294" LastEditorUserId="20294" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T22:07:59.783" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T22:08:16.367" Title="How to develop friendship without money?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;latin-america&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-12-18T00:46:40.737" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16938" CreationDate="2018-07-25T04:03:56.507" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best thing you can do if you hope to actually influence their future behaviour is lead them in what they probably should be doing by your own example. If they approach you all keen to be friends, tell them you cannot have anything to do with people who react with &lt;em&gt;awkward politeness&lt;/em&gt; to intimations of violence against you. And if you've communicated what you were disappointed in as well as you can, actually avoid engaging with them further. They've already shown they'll handwave away anything that's just words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being too afraid to be the person who speaks up and contradicts bad behaviour in the moment is one thing. You and your friend were in that situation for the sake of your own safety. But laughing along with someone behaving badly, and then pretending to the people hurt that none of it happened when they were &lt;em&gt;right there&lt;/em&gt;, is something else. These people know their acquaintances' behaviour is horrible. They are shamelessly two-faced and they think they can get away with it. Probably because they do a lot of the time. I don't know anything about the wider social context in this situation but I've spent a bit of time in some relatively wealthy and privileged social circles, and it's amazing what people who have social power will say and do and get away with. It seems it's seen as polite to not call attention to bad behaviour, and there are people who exploit this (your hateful group), or are happy to benefit from it (the 'friendly' bystanders who don't want to take responsibility for the people they choose to associate with).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do they want so badly to be friendly with you? They've already shown it's not because they are interested in caring about you as people with feelings. Wildly speculating now, but perhaps it's so they can say something like, 'okay, but even if my other acquaintances are bigots I'm not like them, I have queer friends.' Whatever the exact reason, you deserve better than to feed someone's desire to believe they aren't doing anything wrong. If you demand better, even if you can't bring about any sort of understanding in these people, you may force them to confront the fact that they can't both behave as they have been and have token minorities in their social circles to validate them. I think that's the most anyone can do to encourage behaviour change in anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19049" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T04:03:56.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16949" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16947" CreationDate="2018-07-25T05:11:17.187" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get it.  It's embarrassing to tell people you're broke, and you can't afford to do all the things they might like to do.  I've been there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound like a cliche, but one that's nevertheless true: &lt;em&gt;Real&lt;/em&gt; friends will want to be with you no matter what your circumstances.  Most of the time all they want is your company and your conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, everyone must eat, right?  So find ways to spend time with them doing the things that you would otherwise do.  Invite them to go grocery shopping with you.  Invite them over for coffee (or whatever you drink) on weekend mornings.  Invite them over to make dinner together some evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or what about activities you already do, like exercise and entertainment?  Invite them to go on a power walk in the park.  Invite them to watch a TV show you like, or a movie that's on TV.  Invite them to help you work in your garden, if you have one and you like that kind of thing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you'd be surprised how many free events there might be in your area.  Many communities and venues offer live concerts for free, or opportunities to dance, or art shows, or live theater, or movies in the park -- they list goes on and on.  I live in a larger city, but even so I know of at least ten to twenty bars that have live bands where there is no cover charge if you get there early enough (naturally you are expected to drink, but it's not required).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, don't worry about whether the activity you invite them to is something they'll enjoy.  The point is that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; enjoy it, and if they like you, they might have a good time because you are having a good time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And hey, you know you're not going to stay broke forever.  Finding good people to hang out with -- true friends, who aren't just with you as long as they're being externally entertained -- well, that's something you just can't buy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Edit) To answer the specific question of what to say if she invites you to do things that cost money:  Politely decline, saying that you would love to but you need to &lt;em&gt;save&lt;/em&gt; money. Focus on your need to pay for important expenses, not what you think of as your overall &lt;em&gt;lack&lt;/em&gt; of money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the invitation Mary, but I can't go out drinking with you tonight.  I'm trying to put together enough to take care of this problem I have with my teeth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says that she'll pay for you, you can accept but limit the degree of largess.  You can also insist on repaying her with some kind of return gifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, I'll go -- but only two drinks?  Any more than that and it'll feel weird.  Also you have to let me repay you somehow.  How about you come over to my place Thursday evening and I'll cook us dinner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T22:08:16.367" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T22:08:16.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16733" CreationDate="2018-07-25T05:47:10.737" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In contrast to the other answer, I suggest instead you get the entire group to start light-heartedly teasing your friend about her lying, every time it happens.  Nothing too insulting, just make it clear you're not buying it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, Jana, there you go, making up stories again&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh there goes Jana, telling us tall tales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come on Jana, you don't really expect us to believe that, do you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she insists that it's true, when it's clearly impossible, just respond by rolling your eyes and dismissing it again, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh Jana, give it a rest would you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh Jana, you're such a kidder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or, if you have documented proof&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seriously, Jana, we all know what happened.  Stop trying to be funny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one likes to be mocked, so do this &lt;em&gt;every single time&lt;/em&gt; she fibs, and hopefully, eventually, she'll stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, the key is always to make it sound like she's doing it as a joke, and that you're just not falling for it anymore.  That way you don't have to accept her fabrications, while at the same time she can't directly accuse you of calling her a liar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T05:55:54.763" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16938" CreationDate="2018-07-25T08:39:14.490" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, it is always hard to get others involved in these kind of situations - it requires courage on their part.. We even have a word in German, mainly used to describe a lack thereof: &quot;Zivilcourage&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in Mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... comments, up to and including threats of physical violence towards us. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Will likely not have given them the impression that this is true:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All they would have had to do was say something, a simple &quot;hey, chill out, they're friends of ours&quot; could have ended it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will shy away from entering into a conflict, especially one with potential violence involved, when they have no direct stakes in it. The most effective method know to me to get them involved, is to &lt;strong&gt;address them directly&lt;/strong&gt;. Focus them and ask them to help you / to reinforce you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(experience: one public racist attack, one public robbery)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I´m not quite sure, but from your post it reads as if there was no direct interaction between you and the bigots, so you did not have a open conflict where you could have had bystanders involved. Instead you´d hoped they had spoken up for you? (Please correct me if I got that wrong) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, my question is, how do I encourage the &quot;friendly&quot; bystanders to do the right thing in situations like these in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you have to make room for the possibility that they might have a different definition of &quot;the right thing&quot;. Now, I am with you on this, but I also have had accusations of needlessly escalating at a party when I didn´t let a racist comment pass. Some people may think this is not a good setting to get confrontational. A good middle ground could be to get the Host involved - let him make clear what kind of guests and behavior he tolerates at his party. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, you could have a discussion with them on where and how to speak up. You don´t have to make it about them. Just a friendly exchange of opinions about moral courage in general makes a good talking point at a party. That way the´ll get to know your point of view, without getting confrontational. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last, lead by example. The most influential thing for me, that got me to stand up for others more, was seeing a friend do it. There are lot´s of opportunities - racism, bigotry, or just badmouthing of an acquaintance who isn´t there to defend himself. Learn how to do it peacefully and effectively yourself, and you´ll influence others!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T08:46:59.303" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T08:46:59.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16953" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-25T09:00:31.717" Score="32" ViewCount="56995" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Note that I originally asked this question on the English Language Stack Exchange and was told that it belonged here (Interpersonal Stack Exchange), so I removed it from the EL SE and manually moved it here.)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a data scientist and I regularly receive e-mails from people (our office is split between London and New York) requesting things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often find that in the majority of cases, the people e-mailing me add a line at the end that is something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Let me know if anything is unclear.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally, if I am unsure about something, I will &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; ask for clarification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Who wouldn't?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question therefore is this: is adding such an obvious sentence necessary?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should add that I have worked with the same colleagues who have requested things from me for several months, so we aren't strangers and, as mentioned, I always ask for clarification if I am unsure about something.  I appreciate that it might be automatic on their part (like ending an e-mail with &quot;Kind regards,&quot;, &quot;Best wishes,&quot;, etc.) but there is an element to it that I just don't understand which is why people continue to state the obvious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's the same logic as asking somebody a question in an e-mail and then immediately beneath that writing, &quot;please let me know&quot; - the former clearly implies the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Surely if somebody who is given instructions is unsure about a particular part of said instructions, then they would be competent enough to ask the requester for clarification.  If they &lt;em&gt;wouldn't&lt;/em&gt; ask for clarification unless prompted, then it implies that their competency levels aren't high enough to warrant a role where they are asked to construct things for people who lay out clear, coherent instructions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people have said that the question is not clear, so in an attempt to make it clearer I will summarise below.  Also, please note that I am not ranting - I am in fact curious and keen to understand why some people add this sentence to e-mails even if they genuinely know for certain that you are perfectly capable of the task/s they request from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is simply this: given that you know that somebody is definitely capable of doing what you ask them, and given that you specify clearly what you want, is adding such a line to an e-mail necessary?  The reason I ask this is because it sometimes comes across as patronising - I'm sure that's not the case in most instances, but nevertheless it does come across that way sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4734" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-07-26T07:46:17.240" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T01:42:11.373" Title="Is adding “let me know if anything is unclear” to an e-mail really necessary or is it redundant?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16923" CreationDate="2018-07-25T09:20:39.857" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although culture differs, most parents want the success of their children as this in a way bring glory to them. (This sometimes have two effects: too concerned or over-protective without enough information which have negative consequence(s) or 2) trying to repeat / force an old experience that worked in the past in their son's life) Moreover having had much experience in life and also of their son, sometimes they may have a bigger picture of what is going on which your BF may not have disclosed either by virtue of 'ignorance' or he may not just think such facts are necessary to be disclosed to you.&#xA;Ensure your own parents (if possible) become friends with his parents because there may be nothing you do to encourage your friend that will not be misinterpreted in the long run as long as they know you are his best friend. (Your parents may know a better way of getting information across better than any advice you receive through the web) In fact, some parent may even think his once-in-a-while mistakes, if he does, are the responses you thought him.&#xA;Result is the end of all arguments, therefore, help, encourage and pray that your friend becomes successful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20303" LastEditorUserId="20303" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T16:45:45.573" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T16:45:45.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16938" CreationDate="2018-07-25T09:26:32.317" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you are describing is called the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Bystander Effect&lt;/a&gt;, and it is a well known psychological phenomena. In other word's you're right: They wanted to intervene, but there were too many other people there for them to feel able to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily, this is one of the few cases where &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/K5nq3KcDXaGm7QQWR/bystander-apathy&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;where telling people about a bias actually seems able to strongly reduce it&quot;&lt;/a&gt;, so the solution is simple: Explain the problem to the friendly bystanders, and next time they will intervene.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might not be the only reason, but other people have covered the other social aspects pretty well, and I'd be shocked if the bystander effect didn't have at least &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; bearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to learn more, I recommend: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/jisCHmxwmKoNwrRst/why-don-t-people-help-others-more&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Why Don't People Help Others More?&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/006124189X&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4652" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T09:26:32.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16956" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-25T09:28:29.767" Score="100" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a UK-based software developer, I often conclude an email with that line as I may sometimes fill my emails with terms that I take for granted but others might not understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have worked with people who previously felt that those in my role don't want to - or like to - &lt;em&gt;'make things clear'&lt;/em&gt; after an initial email, and so will either go find the answers themselves (which could take a lot of time) or do nothing about it, which would lead to bigger problems further down the line. Adding this line at least makes it clear that we don't bite and are happy to clarify something that isn't clear. This is especially useful if you are higher up than the recipient in the corporate ladder, where they might be even more reluctant to ask for something to be made clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding a friendly reminder at the end such as &lt;em&gt;&quot;give me a shout if you are unsure of anything&quot;&lt;/em&gt; shows you are willing to help and removes anyone else's apprehensions. It may seem unneeded to some, but others - especially those who do not think the offer to help is implied - will find it reassuring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastEditorDisplayName="user8671" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T09:34:12.063" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T09:34:12.063" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-25T10:23:14.223" Score="42" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is adding such an obvious sentence necessary?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes. As @Kozaky pointed in their answer's last paragraph, it's a big part of being friendly and reassuring. I agree 100% with that. I'll expand a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a teacher (with students) and business owner (with colleagues), I always add a last sentence along the line of &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;let me know if you need clarification or something else.&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A chinese proverb, often quoted by A. Einstein, says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many times, people will fear looking like a fool. Adding such a sentence at the end opens a door for them, so they may ask something without feeling weird or stupid. It also helps clarifying things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a teacher, it took me a couple of years to realize that it's not what you say that's the more important, it's the way people understand it, and the way you say it. Since then, I always ended any course or meeting with this friendly reminder, and never encountered any problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also ask &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;Who wouldn't?&lt;/strong&gt;&amp;quot;. Many people. Because they are too shy, lack confidence etc. Adding a sentence helps them. And you never know completely who you're talking / writing to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T10:23:14.223" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16959" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-25T10:25:51.140" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I add &quot;&lt;em&gt;Let me know if anything is unclear&lt;/em&gt;&quot; when I'm worried that I've been unclear!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is to take the stress off asking me for help. I use it to mean: &quot;&lt;em&gt;If there's anything you don't understand it's probably my fault for explaining it badly. Don't feel stupid. Don't feel apprehensive about asking because you think it'll make you look stupid. Just ask.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Naturally, if I am unsure about something, I will &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; ask for clarification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Congratulations on being a well-rounded individual with good social skills. Not everyone's the same as you. I &lt;em&gt;hate&lt;/em&gt; asking for help / clarification. It makes me feel stupid. It makes me worry that other people think I'm stupid. When someone let's me know that asking for help is ok, it makes things a lot easier for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="430" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T10:25:51.140" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16938" CreationDate="2018-07-25T10:45:47.053" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why didn't the bystanders do anything? Could it be for the same reason that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; didn't do anything? Your question says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If my friend and I had confronted the people who were being hateful to begin with it would have almost certainly escalated the situation toward violence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right. The bystanders probably felt the same way. They were scared to step forward. Every single one of them didn't know if anyone would support them if they stepped forward, or if they'd be left on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how do I encourage the &quot;friendly&quot; bystanders to do the right thing in situations like these in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give them something to rally round. &lt;em&gt;Everyone&lt;/em&gt; is scared of being the first person to step forward, people are &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; more likely to be the second. If you step forward and say something, you might find that some bystanders will support you. And once a few support you, more might.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not guaranteed to work. The bystanders might still feel too scared. But it's an idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, as it doesn't actually answer your question, I think you're being harsh on the bystanders. You're judging them for being human. We've had plenty of questions here on IPS along the lines of &quot;&lt;em&gt;This person in my office/pub/etc. makes racist/homophobic/offensive jokes. How do I tell him that it't not ok?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; The reason we get these questions is that ordinary everyday people don't know how to deal with offensive people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="430" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T10:45:47.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16938" CreationDate="2018-07-25T10:49:51.297" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The bigots work by assuming everyone agrees with them. Talk as if everyone agrees with &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In large groups few people will stand up to make a target of themselves if they think that their position is identical to those around them (see &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deindividuation&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;deindividuation&lt;/a&gt; ). They're unlikely to stand up and state their views so they let the bigot's assumptions speak for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know they think otherwise then state this too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bigot: &amp;quot;[bigoted remark]&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &amp;quot;Just stop, you're embarrassing yourself, no one else here has a problem with us.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've now put the same effect to your own advantage - just as no one wanted to focus attention on themselves by standing up for you its also very unlikely someone will stand up and refute it your claim they have no problem with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this doesn't make them 'step up' (i.e. put the spotlight on themselves) but at the same time you've shifted the weight so you aren't alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will also encourage people that actually they aren't alone in supporting you and this could give them the extra push they need to speak up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8698" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T10:49:51.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16962" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-25T11:08:31.190" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me add to the other answers  that the culture of asking questions differs among the world. People from different cultures may feel different about being allowed to ask questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I have the impression that people from the US are generally very open in this regard - in academic talks/lectures I have seen American students usually ask a lot of questions which also get answered. It is a little bit different in Central Europe and especially in some Asian countries where it is kind of frown upon to ask superiours questions (read for example this question: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/3095/how-to-get-more-co-operation-from-a-teacher-who-discourages-a-student-from-askin&quot;&gt;How to get more co-operation from a teacher who discourages a student from asking questions to clear his confusion?&lt;/a&gt; which is about India).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20307" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T11:08:31.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16964" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16926" CreationDate="2018-07-25T13:32:04.097" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is very challenging to keep your old friends when making a major lifestyle change.  Though you may not consider your decision to stop smoking hookah as recovering from an addiction, &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://americanaddictioncenters.org/blog/new-friends-can-help-addiction-recovery-efforts/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;making new friends&lt;/a&gt;&quot; is a key, often-repeated advice for those that are quitting an addiction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two things that you can do: do different activities with your current group of friends, and make some new friends.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you're making a lot more money than your friends, there are so many free and low-cost activities that you can do with them: going to someone's house to order pizza and hang out/play video games, outdoor activities (riding bikes, hiking, etc), finding free activities in your city.  If you live in a student town, maybe your friends can go with you to a Burschenschaft that hosts parties where you can drink but choose not to smoke.  If there are any people in the group that you are closer to, maybe you can hang out with them one-on-one, and you can go to the gym together.  Since smoking hookah is the norm in your friend group, you will have to initiate these activities, and it might be hard to get your friends to agree to them.  Be upfront that you are trying to quit smoking hookah.  The key is to tell your friends that you miss hanging out with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you're writing your Bachelor's thesis, you should try to build relationships with your colleagues, especially if they are close to your age (that's a good idea regardless of whether you are trying to make new friends or not).  Some other outlets to meet new people in Germany: meetup.com, Reddit, cultural organizations in your town, sports Verein.  You can see whether you can get a tandem partner, or take a class to learn a new skill.  It's always painful to be at a transition point in your friend group, but ultimately you'll learn who the most valuable and supportive people in your life are.  Best of luck to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20216" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T13:32:04.097" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16965" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16942" CreationDate="2018-07-25T13:57:02.023" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it is not necessary to startle them, then don't.&#xA;If it is necessary to startle them, then do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend is somewhere else with their mind, then there is no way to avoid startling them since you are not in the place where they can notice you. They could be in a pure soundscape, deep inside their own thoughts, or just zoned out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit to add:&#xA;The method least likely to startle them requires that you stay out of their personal space. You could knock on their door. If they can't hear the knock, knock harder. You could also use the door as a fan blowing air at them. If all this doesn't work then give up on being polite and just accept that you will startle them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19735" LastEditorUserId="19735" LastEditDate="2018-07-27T09:39:30.060" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T09:39:30.060" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16967" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16922" CreationDate="2018-07-25T17:44:37.613" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm very analytical and logical, so I typically will make the mistake of jumping to finding a solution right now. But sometimes people come to you for an ear to listen and reassurance that everything will be okay. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mom sounds like she is just frustrated with the situation and wants to vent. She isn't really looking for a solution to her problem. I'm going to go on a limb here and take a slightly different approach here. Instead of focusing on her problem at work, give her a bit of pep talk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh mom it sounds like you're picking up the slack at work like you did&#xA;  at home. I appreciate all of the work you've done with the family. I&#xA;  am sure your manager appreciates all of the hard work you do at work&#xA;  too. But mom if doing your co-worker's job is bothering you why do it&#xA;  at all? I hate seeing you upset like this. The difference between work and family&#xA;  is that we get to chose people we work with and we all have a role to play.&#xA;  I have a couple of solutions that I think could work for you, but&#xA;  regardless of what happens at work, remember you always have a family&#xA;  to come home to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if you don't want people to vent to you. When someone expresses that they've had a bad day or something similar, express your sympathy such as &quot;I'm sorry you had a bad day. I bet tomorrow will be better.&quot;, but don't engage and transition (e.g. &quot;I think you would enjoy this&quot; or &quot;This would cheer you up.&quot;) the topic into something else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T17:44:37.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16968" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16970" CreationDate="2018-07-25T18:24:25.673" Score="8" ViewCount="1246" Body="&lt;p&gt;Side Note: I'm in the US, and I chose to ask this on IPS as I'm viewing it as a coworker interaction rather than enforcing company policy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a summer intern at a tech company, and my office space is usually fairly noisy. This is just due to the nature of our desk layout, and the fact I'm seated next to a couple clusters of teams. I don't mind the noise necessarily, but there is a coworker near me whose smartphone and computer notification sounds are incredibly loud and distracting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pings are rather frequent, leading me to believe they're either fairly busy or chatting with people during work. However, I don't want to make any assumptions about their workload/work habits when I approach this interaction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I politely ask a nearby coworker to turn down the volume on their computer/phone notifications?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-25T18:27:43.013" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T20:31:42.783" Title="How to politely ask a coworker to turn down the volume on their notifications?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16970" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16968" CreationDate="2018-07-25T19:31:12.470" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I prefer the direct approach - &quot;Hey, man.  Would you mind dialing the sound on your phone back a bit?  When it dings for notifications, it's really distracting.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoid saying &quot;you&quot; or &quot;your&quot;, as that's going to tend to make it more personal, and it could feel like you're attacking the person, instead of addressing the issue, which is the volume of the notification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then smile a lot and be very appreciative if they do it.  If not, you haven't lost anything, and it's unlikely they can make it worse.  Moreover, it's very likely other people find it distracting/annoying, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16044" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T19:31:12.470" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16971" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="16977" CreationDate="2018-07-25T20:06:28.047" Score="12" ViewCount="1416" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in Eastern Europe and in my country we have a common practice of naming baby boys the same name as the father's father. While generally not an issue, I have entered a serious relationship and though we are not planing to have kids in the foreseeable future my father has started to apply a lot of pressure for us to have a kid and specifically naming the kid in his name, saying things like: oh &quot;When are you planning for little Borat to be around?&quot; or even directly asking &quot;You are naming your potential kid Borat, right?&quot; on numerous occasions. (Name changed for privacy and comedy reasons)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind the &quot;When are you going to provide me with a grandchild?&quot; part but my SO is not from the same country so she doesn't follow the same naming tradition and generally I don't think naming a kid (even a hypothetical one) should be a one person decision. I have discussed this with my SO, but since my opinion is that I don't want to honor the traditon her responce was something like &quot;Ok, good&quot; and it was not discussed further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Up till now I have been deflecting by asking him to not put the cart before the horse and jokes like &quot;Ah if it passes through 2 forms of contraception, we will call it Chuck Norris or Superman&quot; but I feel I should address the issue sooner rather than later and preferably in a way that wouldn't turn into a huge fight. I expect my father to have an issue with that as he is more of a traditionalist, I am his only son, and he wouldn't want his name to &quot;die off&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To sum it up, how can I explain to my father that I wouldn't want to name my future kid with his name without causing a conflict?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-10-02T15:27:49.780" Title="How to avoid conflict refusing to honor kid naming traditions" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16973" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16968" CreationDate="2018-07-25T20:31:42.783" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to work at a very large, very well-known tech company, the cool kind with the coffee bar downstairs, and the pool tables, and whatnot.  The company had an open office plan, which meant no high cubicle walls, and very few places to get away from the constant background noise of hundreds of people talking and typing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution?  &lt;strong&gt;Wear headphones&lt;/strong&gt;.  Everyone did, especially the developers who were trying to focus and get work done.  There was no other option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's say your coworker's notifications are so loud that you can hear them even through whatever background noise you've got going through your headphones.  In that case, you're probably not the only one who is annoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, you can confront your coworker directly.  However, it's not unreasonable to go to your manager, and explain the problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Lisa, I need to ask your advice.  I'm trying to do my work, but it's just so loud I can't concentrate.  Is this normal?  I'm wearing headphones with the music turned up, but I can still hear most of the racket in the office. There's people talking and phones going off really loud every few minutes and all kinds of distraction.  I just don't know how I'm supposed to be effective in this environment.  What can I do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an ideal world, your manager will send out an email asking people to keep the noise level down, and you'll get voluntary compliance from everyone, including your offending coworker.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, after you get some support from your manager, it should be easier to go to your coworker and remind them of the policy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Frank, man, could you turn down the volume on your devices?  I can hear them even through my headphones.  Thanks! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T20:31:42.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16971" CreationDate="2018-07-25T20:32:46.983" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I applaud the fact that you're taking responsibility for dealing with your family, instead of trying to deflect to your SO.  Cheers for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see how you avoid a direct confrontation, but you can try to avoid making it confrontational.  I would start with a lot of love and respect for your father by explicitly stating it to him.  And then I'd just come out and say that the naming tradition isn't one you plan to carry on when you make your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would begin by saying that it's not a particularly important tradition for you (avoid putting this on your SO - that can only create future tension between your father and her).  Be prepared for him to be upset and to want to argue about it, but I would stick to a rote answer &quot;Dad, I love you and respect you more than I can express, but I can't go down this path.&quot;  I don't know your father and his tendencies, but don't let him turn this personal or let him goad you into a fight.  This isn't about &quot;being right&quot;, it's about firmly asserting your position as a father in your own right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said all that, perhaps you and your SO might discuss your father's name as a middle name.  I'm American, so that's common for us, but I don't know if it's an option for you.  Perhaps your little one could be named Ontamu Borat Smith, or something.  That way you're paying homage to your culture and your father, while establishing the fact that you're forging a new path in your future family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly, this option should be discussed with your SO, first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16044" LastActivityDate="2018-07-25T20:32:46.983" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16971" CreationDate="2018-07-26T01:01:49.937" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try very hard not to have this conversation at all before this hypothetical person is born. It is an argument that will never end, he can always come back at you to get you to reconsider, and on and on until you give in. Whereas once a baby is born, they're named, and that's that. It would be rare for him to push for you to change the name once the deed is done. Grandparents tend to fall in love with little babies and forgive their parents many sins. I know we had 3 different grandparents advocating for and against various names while my children were gestating, but the topic was never raised again once they arrived and got names.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other reasons for waiting to have the argument include the possibility you will never actually have a boy, meaning you and your father never need to agree on a name, or that you will but with a different SO to whom this tradition is super important, meaning you end up doing it your father's way after all. But these are low-probability cases. The main reason is that you can't settle the argument until you have a son, so if you have it at all you will have it regularly until the boy arrives, and that's pointless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how do you not have the argument? You answer the underlying question instead of the question you were literally asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When are you planning for little Borat to be around?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad, I don't know the gender or the name of the baby we're not planning to have right now. I will be sure to let you know when I have news!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Big smile. Giving him that news will be great, won't it?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are naming your potential kid Borat, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that's the obvious choice if you were naming the baby we're not planning to have right now. [SO] and I will talk about names if and when we actually have a child together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he pushes,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad, I know in your day the names were basically chosen for you, but it's not like that now. I don't want to get into a hypothetical argument about someone who may never happen. When I need to name a boy, his mother and I will have to make that choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be appropriate to reassure him about your position on tradition in general: to list three or four things you love to do now or will be sure to do when you're a parent. And to reassure him about how vital his role will be in this hypothetical person's life. If there are specific things you remember your father doing with you, talking about how you look forward to his doing those things with your possible future son (and/or daughter!) can take the sting out of your refusal to confirm that you will do as he wants on the name decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T01:01:49.937" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16971" CreationDate="2018-07-26T01:26:52.683" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you should rationalize this a bit differently with your father: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dad it doesn't matter what we name the child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What matters is that he gets to know you,  respect you, and love you.&#xA;  If and when my SO and I decide to have a child, that's what I want for&#xA;  him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I only knew one of my grandfathers. I have wonderful memories of him.&#xA;  Is that what really matters?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And Dad, you know we might only have girls.... ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6584" LastEditorUserId="6136" LastEditDate="2018-10-02T15:27:49.780" LastActivityDate="2018-10-02T15:27:49.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16971" CreationDate="2018-07-26T05:16:04.563" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My family had a similar tradition, but on my mother's side. So much so, that my mother got stuck with a feminine version of the name, because my maternal grandparents had no sons. Let's just say it was Borat-ina, for the purposes of this answer. I only narrowly escaped the name because my father wouldn't stand for it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably not surprising that both of my brothers caught a lot of pressure to continue this tradition when they were fathering children. From the experience of watching all of this play out, I can point to a middle of the road compromise. And an inter-generational one at that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider using the traditional name as a middle name, or failing that, consider a middle name that's still meaningful to the family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my brothers carries my father's first name as a middle name, and the other caries my maternal grandfather's name as a middle name, and one of my nieces got saddled with the Borat-ina middle name. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just trying to say that there are ways to keep a tradition alive, even if it skips a generation, or is altered a bit. Using the traditional name as a middle name, is a way to nod to the tradition while not naming your kid something that you aren't comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for having that conversation, I think Kate Gregory nailed it pretty well. Don't bother until you have to. A simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We'll worry about names when there's a kid to be named&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... should work just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The middle name option is just a way to compromise and pass along a family tradition in a way that you, your family, and your future partner may be more comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T05:16:04.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16982" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-26T07:26:37.877" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There may be another interpretation here, given the IT / service provider nature of the interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would use this kind of language to convey something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'This is a request for work that I expect completing by the recipient.&#xA;  I feel I have provided all of the required information to undertake&#xA;  the task and will be unhappy if you come back to me at a later time&#xA;  with incorrect results or state that you didn't understand. By not&#xA;  responding with questions you are accepting this work item or task,&#xA;  and acknowledging that all required supporting information has been&#xA;  provided.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a lot of subtext, but that's what I feel the addition of the last sentence is about - it's really asking the recipient to consider whether this request for work is something that can be completed / appropriate and to inform the sender if that is not the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19730" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T07:26:37.877" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16983" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-26T07:55:26.037" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My question therefore is this: is adding such an obvious sentence necessary?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, it isn't always necessary &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you &lt;strong&gt;know&lt;/strong&gt; the recipients &lt;em&gt;either&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;(a)&lt;/strong&gt; are very likely to understand without needing clarification, &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;(b)&lt;/strong&gt; will not be &quot;afraid&quot; to ask if they &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; need clarification. I worked for 15+ years with the same core team of developers and would almost never use this type of phrase with them because I pretty much knew [the extent of] what they knew, and that they'd ask if needed. However, if I was writing to a wider audience, or including newer members of the team (about whose knowledge, or their confidence to ask for clarification, I was unsure) then I &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; include this sort of phrase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[...] given that you know that somebody is definitely capable of doing what you ask them, and given that you specify clearly what you want, is adding such a line to an e-mail necessary? The reason I ask this is because it sometimes comes across as patronising – I'm sure that's not the case in most instances, but nevertheless it does come across that way sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you correctly assume, in virtually all cases, it isn't intended to be patronising... so why do they do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Force of Habit&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a lot of people, it will just be habit. Other answers describe how using this sort of phrase &quot;lowers the barrier&quot; for recipients who might otherwise not seek clarification when it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; needed. Some email writers will simply have adopted such a phrase and add it automatically without questioning whether it's really needed for the &lt;em&gt;specific&lt;/em&gt; recipients of a &lt;em&gt;particular&lt;/em&gt; email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Perhaps slightly lazy, but not patronising&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Better Safe than Sorry&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For those email writers who &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; think about whether such phrases are necessary, they need to be reasonably sure &lt;em&gt;either&lt;/em&gt; that you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; need clarification, &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; that you won't be afraid to ask if you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I should add that I have worked with the same colleagues who have requested things from me for several months, so we aren't strangers&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say &quot;&lt;em&gt;several months&lt;/em&gt;&quot; is not &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; long a time... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; might know you know the material, but it takes a certain amount of time for others to be confident in their assessment of your level of knowledge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I always ask for clarification if I am unsure about something&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is great that you are confident enough to seek clarification if needed. However, again as other answers have mentioned, a lot of people, either because they are lower-down the corporate ladder, it is just their nature, or because of cultural norms, &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; be reluctant to ask for clarification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, although &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; know your willingness to ask, &quot;&lt;em&gt;several months&lt;/em&gt;&quot; isn't really a long time for others to have decided (reliably) that you are someone that will ask if needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would especially be the case if most of the time you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; fully understand what you are being asked, and therefore have had little or no need to ask for further clarification. From your colleagues' points-of-view, they just see &quot;no requests for clarification&quot; – it's had for them know if this is because you are &quot;afraid&quot; to ask, or simply don't need to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people will err on the side of safety and include the phrase even if not strictly necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Cautious rather than patronising&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1725" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T07:55:26.037" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-26T09:10:55.867" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Let me know if anything is unclear&quot; can be a very useful sentence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The references to numerical words (First through Fifth) are not intended to indicate a specific order, but just to help point out that a new and different point is being brought up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First&lt;/strong&gt;, it can indicate that you are a person who is willing to welcome questions (as many of the other answers point out).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second&lt;/strong&gt;, it can indicate that you recognize the topic itself may be challenging.  You are basically inviting people to have some time spent going into more detail, if desired.  But if it isn't desired, you're respecting people's time by moving on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third&lt;/strong&gt;, people generally don't say this in the middle of a bunch of simple statements.  So this can indicate that you're done talking about one particular topic, and that your mind is starting to move onto another topic unless anyone wants to stop that process.  Or it might indicate that the very prior or next sentence may be particularly challenging.  This may be a polite way of saying, &quot;think for a moment about whether this material was clear.  If something isn't making sense, then point that out now before we move onto a different topic.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Fourth&lt;/strong&gt;, this could be used for enunciation.  If you prefer Pepsi over Coca-cola, you could enunciate the word Pepsi, and then make this statement for added effect of how important this is.  &quot;Last time I visited a place like this, I didn't get what I ordered.  I'm feeling like a &lt;em&gt;Pepsi&lt;/em&gt;.  Let me know if anything is unclear.&quot;  The statement may feel a bit unfriendly, putting the sentence's recipient on alert, but that might be the intended result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Fifth&lt;/strong&gt;, this can be used for a test of a communications system, such as a wireless phone.  &quot;Can you hear me now?  Is my voice garbled?  Let me know if anything is unclear.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, some people may poke fun at a person who uses such a statement.  And sometimes it might be inappropriate, if you are making simple statements that are abundantly likely to be clear.  However, there are a number of times when the statement can be useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1768" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T09:10:55.867" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2061" CreationDate="2018-07-26T09:38:24.907" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Refer to science. Start here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-22/edition-4/think-having-children-will-make-you-happy&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-22/edition-4/think-having-children-will-make-you-happy&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A chronicle outlining why having kids makes you unhappy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here are some research on the subject if people don't believe this article (note that it is written by a professor in psychology and published in The British Psychological Society's magazine)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.pnas.org/content/107/38/16489.full.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.pnas.org/content/107/38/16489.full.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs13524-015-0413-2&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs13524-015-0413-2&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://users.wfu.edu/simonr/pdfs/Simon%20Contexts%202008.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://users.wfu.edu/simonr/pdfs/Simon%20Contexts%202008.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://personal.lse.ac.uk/mackerro/happy_natural_envs.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://personal.lse.ac.uk/mackerro/happy_natural_envs.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, what all these papers say is that having friends, a partner, interesting work, pets, good friends, stable economy and housing, hobbies, being in the countryside, city centre (but not suburbs = where you move when you have kids), mountains, near the ocean or a lake and so on - everything is very intuitive - makes people happy. But spending times with your kids has the opposite effect and therefore, a lot of people planning to have two kids stop after the first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If science reports are too impenetrable for the people arguing with you, here are some other articles in regular news outlets and similar containing the same information&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/01/why-does-anyone-have-children/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/01/why-does-anyone-have-children/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.vice.com/en_se/read/science-says-having-a-kid-is-one-of-the-crappiest-things-that-can-happen-to-you-384&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.vice.com/en_se/read/science-says-having-a-kid-is-one-of-the-crappiest-things-that-can-happen-to-you-384&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.economist.com/news/special-report/21585093-reasons-preserving-biodiversity-are-becoming-more-widely-understood-whats-use&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.economist.com/news/special-report/21585093-reasons-preserving-biodiversity-are-becoming-more-widely-understood-whats-use&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.psmag.com/health/do-children-make-us-happy-60392&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.psmag.com/health/do-children-make-us-happy-60392&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.economist.com/news/international/21725553-more-adults-are-not-having-children-much-less-worrying-it-appears-rise&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.economist.com/news/international/21725553-more-adults-are-not-having-children-much-less-worrying-it-appears-rise&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Food for thought: most western societies heavily subsidise having kids. In northern Europe just one year of school probably is around €15 000/year (or more). Add healthcare, sport and social activities to that. And still, in most countries the native population is decreasing. My conclusion from this is that people, when they have a choice, don't want to have kids. Imagine if car ownership was subsidised by €15 000/year - everyone would have one or more car(s). And imagine if children weren't subsidised but instead parents were obliged to pay for schooling etc from their own wallets and really could feel how expensive it was: &quot;Hmm, should I spend €15 000 on education or should I take a two months luxury vacation in the West Indies and still have money left. That is a difficult one to answer…&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3356" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-26T12:34:30.873" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T12:34:30.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16986" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-26T09:47:16.830" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The line isn't trying to give you permission to do something you'd naturally do anyway (ask for clarification); it's an indication that the author is not only happy to provide such clarification, but is also perhaps to some degree expecting it to be needed. Read it more like &quot;I recognise that this is slightly complex and that I may not have explained it in the best way; apologies in advance if this is the case&quot;, but without the overt and awkward self-deprecation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also used partially as a pleasantry, something to write instead of &quot;ok bye&quot; or &quot;see you later&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9314" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T09:47:16.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16989" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-26T15:42:59.237" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Absolutely worth doing if you've explained something non-trivial or critically important!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never underestimate the weird hangups, neuroses, anxieties and even general pig-headedness of people.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Being able to ask questions is a skill, one many of us struggle with. I've known people with subtle or unsubtle anxiety about social interaction who absolutely would be apprehensive about asking questions after something had been explained to them. I'm one myself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many times in my own life I've been presented with an explanation of how to do something, been thoroughly confused and/or uncertain how to proceed and &lt;em&gt;not been willing to ask for clarification&lt;/em&gt;. I recognised it at the time, understood it was stupid not to ask but some part of me simply refused to ask the questions. I didn't want to test the patience of the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By asking them to call-back to you, you give tacit permission to ask questions and maintain the dialog.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I can't overstate how much this can help smooth over potential hangups.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T15:42:59.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16775" CreationDate="2018-07-26T17:36:39.337" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a good opportunity to become familiar with the common communication concept known as &quot;subtext&quot;.  Most everyone understands that what people &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; and what they &lt;em&gt;mean&lt;/em&gt; are two different things, but all too often become too enmeshed in the superficial context of the argument to explore anything deeper.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example, the cliche:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: How do I look in this outfit?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: You look fine.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  A: What do you mean by that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Comedians love this kind of material because it exposes how communication often leads to misunderstanding. Person A isn't just asking how something looks on them, they're looking for &lt;em&gt;reassurance&lt;/em&gt; that they are still attractive to Person B.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wouldn't it have been nicer if instead the conversation went something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A: Do you think I look good in this outfit?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  B: Baby, I think you look &lt;em&gt;great&lt;/em&gt; in that outfit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are people, though, and only infrequently &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; what they &lt;em&gt;mean&lt;/em&gt;.  Sometimes it takes a skilled therapist days or weeks or even months to coax the truth out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a similar way, until you figure out the subtext of your girlfriend's &quot;silly&quot; question, it's going to be difficult to give her a satisfactory answer.  A simple way to get the ball rolling in this direction is to ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why?  What are you afraid is going to happen?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are any number of responses she could give, but suppose she replies something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just don't want you to forget about me, that's all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know about you, but I would feel comfortable replying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I promise I'll never forget about you.  Ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be completely honest.  I remember every one of my girlfriends, all the way back to my first kiss.  Hopefully it's the reassurance your girlfriend is looking for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To get back to your original question: There's really no way to avoid silly hypotheticals, at least without becoming a hermit and avoiding other people entirely.  Start to pay attention to your own conversation to see how often you say things with some kind of loaded subtext -- you probably do it far more often than you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Better to learn to read subtext, and to ask the kind of leading questions that allow you to get to the heart of what others really want or fear. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T17:36:39.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16991" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-26T18:26:18.957" Score="4" ViewCount="496" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider the following 2 scenarios:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After entering either a big shopping complex or high rated restaurant, there will be a queue and have to wait till our turn and buy/order items and then exit after completion.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After entering a local market or small shops, there will be no queue (randomness) and buying things or getting orders depends on the &lt;em&gt;penetration capability&lt;/em&gt; of the individual such as giving order with high pitch/loud voice, asking repeatedly or getting work done without caring who are waiting before him/her etc.,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I handle situations like the second one which need some sort of indecent or rude behavior? In such scenarios it will take either lot of time for our turn or may never get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I face this problem lot of times. If I go to local shops or hotels or juice points with friends, one of my friend gives order and get things done. If I go alone, I may wait for long time or leave from such place without completion of work. The annoying part is that my girlfriend takes initiation in such scenarios because I can't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I handle such situations effectively being not rude, not loud, formal, polite and descent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20344" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-26T18:41:19.677" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T15:01:06.200" Title="How to handle situations which demands odd behavior" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-07-27T07:42:14.133" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16991" CreationDate="2018-07-26T18:40:24.237" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your two statements: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I handle situations like the second one which need some sort of indecent or rude behavior? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to handle such situations effectively being not rude, not loud, formal, polite and descent?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;are contradictory.  You say it requires being rude and yet you want to handle this situation &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; being rude.  However, I've faced the second situation before at a farmers market once, and I am very used to the first situation being from a suburban town in Canada.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had to realize that while it would be rude to shout loud and over other people in other places, here it was common and perfectly acceptable.  &lt;strong&gt;Basically, what is rude somewhere else may not be rude here.&lt;/strong&gt;  For example, in Canada it is generally looked down upon to slurp your noodles/soup while you eat, but in Japan it is considered rude to not slurp.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In conclusion, it may be intimidating to speak up like this (it was for me when i had to) but my suggestion would be to just go for it.  Things are considered rude only because society as a whole says so.  If everyone is shouting over each other, you will have to do that to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T18:40:24.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-26T18:43:17.033" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It conveys that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are &lt;strong&gt;willing to spend the time&lt;/strong&gt; to give the recipient clarifications&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You &lt;strong&gt;won't look down on the them&lt;/strong&gt; for having such questions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; may have the ability to indiscriminately ask questions when you're confused as mentioned in your original question, but if you do, this is a rare superpower rather than the norm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may yet need to ponder this more carefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine you somehow get into email contact with the person you most admire in the world, and start a profound discussion about life philosophy.  Within his email to you, he references a phrase from another language with which you're unfamiliar.  What will be your first reaction?  Do you dare waste the time of the person you most respect in the world to ask such a trifling question?  Or would you prefer to spend your own time trying to clarify this uncertainly for yourself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially in an era in which almost any question can be answered for oneself by pulling from the vast array of resources perpetually at our disposal, the internal debate we weigh now is no longer &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I do to find an answer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but has shifted to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Which resources should I utilize in order to find an answer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Letting people know that you would be happy to be on the top of their list could be tremendously valuable information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19155" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T18:43:17.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16994" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16991" CreationDate="2018-07-26T18:44:13.197" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You seem to be drawing lines between being loud and straightforward and being &quot;indecent&quot; and &quot;rude.&quot; Note that google tells me that &quot;indecent&quot; can be defined as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not conforming with generally accepted standards of behavior or propriety; obscene.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if shouting to get attention is the accepted norm where you are, then there's nothing rude or indecent about it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, if I'm in a situation where what I'm doing isn't working or I'm not sure what to do, I usually try to look around and see what other people are doing. Whether this is in an airport, the DMV or a social event, it's usually helpful to take cues from other people and see what's working for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in a situation like you say where &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; is repeatedly asking in a loud voice, then that's probably the way you're going to get what you need. That being said, you're probably not the only one who feels bad doing this. Pay close attention to the people at the register next time and see if you can find someone who manages to checkout &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; the raised voices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T18:44:13.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16995" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-26T20:30:07.520" Score="10" ViewCount="1336" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently moved into a new apartment with 2 other roommates. Both of them are around 4-5 years elder to me, if not more. They do treat me as a younger colleague. I would have expected that this treatment would be kind – instead, it seems to be the very opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ever since I moved in, many of my actions are closely scrutinized by them. (Let's call my roommates &lt;em&gt;A&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;B&lt;/em&gt;.) For instance, the first time I took a shower in the apartment, a bit of water spilt out of the bathing area as I hadn't pulled up the shower curtain well (my old apartment didn't have one, so I wasn't used to using it). &lt;em&gt;A&lt;/em&gt; posed a generic message on our chat group, asking to take care not to spill water, and to mop it if it does spill. I apologised on the group when I saw the message and said I would mop up the water, and I did. Now it so happens that every time after &lt;em&gt;B&lt;/em&gt; takes a shower, I find the bathroom floor &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; wet. Yet, &lt;em&gt;A&lt;/em&gt; never seems to say anything about it. I have also not expressed my disapproval because it doesn't bother me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another instance is that I once cooked some eggs and the smell occupied the whole kitchen (it's very small and the ventilator doesn't work). I was very sick and so didn't have the energy to do something about the smell. &lt;em&gt;B&lt;/em&gt; entered the kitchen with some of his friends later and began complaining very loudly about the stench. He firmly told me to take care of this in the future. The funny thing is, for the whole of the past week &lt;em&gt;B&lt;/em&gt; had stunk up the kitchen to high heaven by leaving his dishes in the sink for a long time. I didn't complain because I knew he was busy with some work and thought he would appreciate me being thoughtful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart from this, &lt;em&gt;B&lt;/em&gt; plays very loud music almost throughout the day, leaves the toilet without flushing properly, has his friends over who create a ruckus, and &lt;em&gt;A&lt;/em&gt; also has his friends coming over creating a huge commotion. I, on the other hand, have nobody over, take care to be silent throughout the day, leave the bathroom clean, and the kitchen too (except in the above occasion as I was sick).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It seems to me that while &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; am the one quietly putting up with &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, they seem to be the ones looking for every opportunity to complain to me about the smallest of things&lt;/strong&gt;. I'm beginning to feel like a pushover, and I want to tell them that I'm also adjusting with a lot of things I don't like. I am not a confrontational person, and I do have to stay with them for a long time – so I want to do this in a calm, respectful but firm manner. Any ideas how I can do so?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&#xA;A and B had stayed together for sometime (at least 7 months) before I moved in. They do seem to be friends, and I believe they're from the same city, which also seems to create a bond between them. So it is indeed possibly A lets B get away with things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, I didn't complaim about these things to them because I was new (this is my third week) and I didn't want to seem too picky. Also, my previous 2 roommates were very adjusting folks and we had mutually realised that each of us put up with certain quirks of the other persons. So I had sort of become conditioned to this mutual adjustment and thought my new roommates would be similar. I thought they would appreciate me putting up with their actions, like my previous roommates did. In hindsight, I realise that this is because my previous roommates were probably extraordinary and I shouldn't expect this from everyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20346" LastEditorUserId="20346" LastEditDate="2018-07-26T20:56:12.190" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T18:30:08.593" Title="Letting roommates know I put up with them more than they put up with me" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16996" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16995" CreationDate="2018-07-26T20:46:53.377" Score="11" Body="&lt;h1&gt;No one will look out for you except yourself.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Especially&lt;/strong&gt; in a situation where you're living together, if you don't speak up, everyone is going to assume everything is fine. Your roommates probably have no idea that the situation feels unfair to you or that you dislike how things are being played out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it crappy to play loud music and have annoying friends over? Absolutely. But did you ever confront them about it and make it clear that you want the apartment to be peaceful and quiet during certain times of the week? Did you tell your roommates that you've found the toilet not being flushed properly sometimes? Did you get them together and have a talk about dishes in the sink?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like the answer is no to most of the above questions. This is a simple fact of life. &lt;strong&gt;If you don't speak up, no one will know something's wrong.&lt;/strong&gt; If you don't stand up for yourself, no one will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Approaching the roommates&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just from what you've said, it doesn't sound like they mean to be treating you badly, they simply don't realize the way they're coming off. Especially if they've been living together for a time before you joined, they're probably used to their ways of life and see nothing wrong except your new additions to their life style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since both sides clearly have very different views of the situation, I'd strongly suggest keeping things simple and having a straightforward talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you talk to them about the problems you have, make sure you do it in a way that you have their full attention. I'd get them together for a quick 15 minute talk and let them know that, while you like them and enjoy living with them, there are a couple things that you'd like them to change. I'd suggest you focus on giving your delivery by following some &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16189/11811&quot;&gt;constructive criticism techniques&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Afterwards, I'd send a text to confirm what you talked about. This will make sure that everyone understands the outcome of the talk and will also give you a &amp;quot;paper trail&amp;quot; in case they try to pretend not to remember your talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;: if you want things to change, you're going to have to let them know that there's a problem. As in most cases with misunderstandings where you don't believe both parties see eye-to-eye, I'd strongly suggest being straightforward and sitting them down to have a talk about what you'd like to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-26T20:46:53.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="16997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16991" CreationDate="2018-07-26T21:59:42.853" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may be familiar with the proverb:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When in Rome, do as the Romans do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the expected behavior is to shout loudly and force your way to the front of the queue then either adapt to the local custom or find yourself eternally at the back -- or go somewhere else.  Sure, you might retain your dignity, but how much is your time worth to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I suspect there's an underlying question, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I'm not a naturally assertive person, how can I learn to be assertive in situations that require it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's another trite aphorism to cover this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Fake it 'til you make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine you're an actor onstage, and your character is an assertive narcissist who feels they should be first in everything, and who cares nothing for social niceties.  How would that character act?  What would that character say?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would they be worried about stepping on other people's toes (metaphorically speaking)?  No.  Would they care about making all the other people wait for them?  Not in the slightest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be that person -- wear that jacket -- but only until you accomplish what you need to.  Then take it off and be &quot;yourself&quot; again.  Eventually you may find you don't need to pretend, that you can be assertive when you need to be, and polite the rest of the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're worried that other people will think you are a &quot;bad person&quot;, well ... the fact that you even ask that question probably guarantees that won't happen.  Plus, unless you're especially aggressive or annoying, you'll just be another forgettable face in the crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you feel that manners and dignity are more important, than you have a decision to make, whether you choose to regularly attend venues you consider &lt;em&gt;undignified&lt;/em&gt;.  This might mean giving up some of your social connections, but that's why we each have to make our own choices about what we value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a side note:  The situation you describe is much like what I experienced when I went to mainland China.  There, people most often &lt;em&gt;swarms&lt;/em&gt; rather than &lt;em&gt;queue&lt;/em&gt;, and the only way to get to the front is through steady physical force -- even in places like airports and train stations, where (if for no reason other than safety) you'd expect more organization.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would have missed my flight if I had held my usual reserve, but again, as the Romans do, I let go of my preconceptions about what is &quot;polite&quot; behavior and shoved my way through.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-07-27T15:01:06.200" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T15:01:06.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17001" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-27T02:32:28.847" Score="6" ViewCount="2500" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First, a little background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I have been together for just over 8 months now, and I have to say that this is the happiest relationship I think I've ever been in. I'm 23 going on 24 and she's 21. I just graduated college and she is finishing her senior year this year. Our relationship has, for the most part, been a healthy one. I feel fairly comfortable and able to talk to her about things, except for one area that I struggle with. I've always dealt with pretty serious anxiety, specifically relationship anxiety. It hadn't been a major issue however until my previous girlfriend cheated on and broke up with me. I dealt with many of the issues that brought up, however there's still one that I'm struggling with related to my anxiety in general. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will add that I am on medicine now which helps tremendously--I had been opposed to taking medicine because of the drawbacks of the major types of anxiety medicine at the start of this summer. However after a particularly bad week caused by starting a new job, being unable to communicate with my girlfriend while she was out of state for awhile, and the general changes that come with graduating college I decided to try Buspirone. No noticeable side effects and much less anxiety is a good thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until the start of this summer my girlfriend and I spoke fairly often throughout the day. Not constantly, of course, and I'd never expect that from anyone. I know I certainly wouldn't like it if my partner demanded I was talking to them all day via text. Still, we held conversations between classes and in the evenings while we were working on homework. At the start of the summer she took a trip to New York and I was basically unable to talk to her while she was away, and after that things have just been... different. We exchange maybe a total of 5-10 texts per day, and mostly our &quot;conversations&quot; feel like two ships passing in the night. Goodmorning texts, a few &quot;Hope your day is going well!&quot; texts, the occasional complaint about work. That sort of stuff. I'll try and have conversations occasionally that attempt to go deeper but she either seems to ignore my attempts at conversation or somehow doesn't notice that I'm trying to engage more than just minimally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with our relationship, either. When I'm with her in person (about once/week or once/week and a half due to distance while she's not at school) we have conversations, talk, and everything just seems pretty normal. She doesn't seem to notice anything different as far as I can tell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently I'm trying to decide how to broach the subject with her, without coming across as desperate or needy or clingy or what have you. I know that because of my anxiety much of what I'm thinking/feeling has no real cause and that I shouldn't really be feeling this way, but I just can't help but feel that there's something off. Yet I'm nervous about talking to her because the last thing that I want to do is make her feel smothered or like I'm being demanding of her attention. She knows about my anxiety, and we've talked about it a bit in the past (especially after the week that convinced me to try medicine). I can tell that she occasionally makes an effort to give me reaffirmation when she senses I'm in need of it, but this particular subject I'm just not so sure about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I even bother bringing this up? Part of me feels like this is just a &quot;me&quot; problem and it's something I should deal with to avoid putting any unnecessary burden on her/to keep from making her feel like she has to devote unnecessary amounts of attention to me. I just miss our conversations and the connection they brought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking to avoid a negative interaction with my girlfriend due to a perceived lack of conversation/drastic reduction in conversation on my end of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user20355" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-07-27T05:12:10.900" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T05:12:10.900" Title="How to communicate to my girlfriend that I'd like to talk more without coming across as desperate, needy, or clingy" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-27T07:18:25.660" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17001" CreationDate="2018-07-27T03:02:58.700" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, i think that the trip to New York has changed the mindset of your girlfriend about texting with you in a relationship. This isn't a particularly bad thing. personally, i'm in a LDR, and for me the only form of communication is text and the occasional call. I get a little anxious when she doesn't reply and the like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did mention that she is finishing her senior year, which could also mean her workload is increasing or that she is getting more busy as the finals come up. You need to see it that texting , while being a way to talk and connect, is also just a way to get to meet. If your meetings with her are more or less normal and have nice conversations and activities together, don't look too much into the text messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The Answer:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest bringing this up the next time you meet her. But &lt;strong&gt;do not&lt;/strong&gt; say things like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why haven't you been texting as much lately&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But ask about her workload and more about her current state and how it relates to less time on her phone or on social media. Just a tidbit from my own experience, my girlfriend texted me a lot less after i told her about a hard project i was working on, and after i asked if she's busy and cannot text, she mentioned that i was the one who was busy and she didn't want me to be distracted from my work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making it known to her that the low amount of texts makes you abit jumpy can help, however you did mention you don't want to come off as clingy and over attached. In order not to seem that way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Firstly, don't send multiple texts in a row without her replying or reading them, it always comes off clingy if she finishes up her work and looks at her phone to see 30 messages from you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Secondly, to promote messages and the like, try to shape your questions interestingly, the good ol' &quot;How was your lunch?&quot; are ok from time to time but it gets dry and boring when you ask that everyday. giving interesting information about your day or things you found cool/intersting is always better. Let her know more about the important and key things happening in your day and she'll be more ,likely to share that with you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if she still doesn't text more. Do not fret, maybe she's saving up conversation topics to talk with you face-to-face when cuddling each other, and that is way better then telling someone something over the phone. All-in-all, make her feel she's part and parcel of your day and life and she will be more inclined to give you updates. Just don't over do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="9229" LastEditDate="2018-07-27T03:34:14.970" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T03:34:14.970" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17001" CreationDate="2018-07-27T04:16:10.803" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It doesn't sound like anything odd or terrible is happening. Honestly it sounds more like you're transitioning from the exciting new relationship phase to the steady stable relationship phase. Which, believe it or not, is usually a good thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's common for most folks to get super absorbed into their relationship in the first months. It's exciting, you're still getting to know each other, and so... there's lots to talk about. But obviously this can't go on forever, nobody would get any work done, and society as a whole would cease to function. (&amp;lt;- jokes, well mostly jokes)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say it's a good thing because that new relationship excitement is ideally replaced with things like stability, reliability, commitment, comfort and so on and so forth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you enjoy a good drink, you may get this... New relationships are like shots of tequila or vodka at a bar. They're fiery, fun, exciting, always a good time, but not something you can do everyday without burning out, they require a certain amount of energy. On the other hand a good long term relationship is like a beautifully aged scotch, or bourbon in a rocks glass. They may not be as exciting, but they're worth savoring, sipping on, taking your time with. Don't get me wrong, both have their moments, both are enjoyable, but if you try to maintain the excitement of shots long term, you'll eventually find yourself hurting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... Now that we know this a normal stage in the development of a relationship, what do we do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, if you'd like to talk with your partner more, talk to them more. You'll just have to work on developing some new material to talk about. This is part of where the work of having a long term relationship starts. Just like those fine whiskeys I mentioned above, this doesn't just happen by accident, it takes patience, effort, and skill to make something really great. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than waiting by the phone for the next text, find something to do that you enjoy. Developing your own independent interests and hobbies will give you something new to talk about with your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that... It's usually ok to talk to your partner about what you want and need from the relationship. It's not necessarily smothering or needy to have an open discussion about these thing. The healthiest, most fulfilling, relationships I've had were the ones where we could sit down and really be completely honest about our insecurities, vulnerabilities, wants, and needs. People don't read minds, so if you want something from a relationship, it helps to speak up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T04:16:10.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17004" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16884" CreationDate="2018-07-27T08:08:42.377" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This situation is a tricky one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Accepting money as compensation is often not a good choice. You can hardly charge them what the work would cost in a professional setting. There are problems with tax and regulations and you might end up in a &quot;warranty&quot; situation, as in &quot;I paid for this, and now it is broken, so you have to fix it for free&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But accepting no compensation at all or going with the &quot;That's what I do, so it is no problem&quot; approach suggested by other answers is not without trouble either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found myself (and seen others with extensive computer knowledge) more than once in the position where others would start to completely depend on my knowledge without even trying to solve the problem on their own. I even had it once that someone demanded that I help them for free, because they believed, since I helped so many others for free, they would also have the right for free in-house service at the other side of the city.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good friend of mine routinely drives for more than an hour to pick up and repair computers for distant acquaintances without any compensation at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid the situation to turn from &quot;I help you every once in a while for free because I'm nice&quot; to someone totally depending on you, I usually stick to these &quot;rules&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Before looking at their devices I first ask them what they have tried so far and if they tried googleing for solutions for the problem. If they can't be bothered to invest some time in fixing their problems, why should I be?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I won't go anywhere only to help. I will help if I am already visiting or otherwise they bring their broken stuff to me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whenever I help someone, they stay with me during the time I spend fixing their stuff.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While fixing their stuff, I tell them what I do and try to educate them about what they need to do to fix the problem themselves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't take any compensation, as for me it enough compensation if they learn how to fix their problems themselves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might sound harsh, but it serves two purposes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They appreciate and value the time I invest and don't believe &quot;it's nothing&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Many people actually learn how to solve their problems themselves, even non-technical people. Most problems are actually quite easy to solve, and this strategy is meant to teach that to them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was this one time where a very non-technical friend of mine called me because she had internet problems and she started the conversation with &quot;I disconnected and reconnected the WiFi, when that didn't work I tried it with a wired connection. When that didn't work I rebooted the PC and resetted the router and tried again. All this didn't work. What else can I try?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is what happens if you educate the people and not only fix their problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10263" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T08:08:42.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17006" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17026" CreationDate="2018-07-27T08:18:49.913" Score="5" ViewCount="4755" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am mexican working in Germany (31), I got to know an amazing german lady 3 months ago (26), we started texting eachother since, it is awesome, we always have something to talk about and we both love joking around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have had 4 dates already, always a great time, she always wrote me afterwards something like &quot;today's evening was awesome I enjoyed a lot thanks&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to say, I really like her so at the end of our last date I told her so, of course I added some &quot;spice&quot; first and then I told her loud and clear &quot;I like you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her answer made me come to you for some counseling and suggestions, I am quite confused; here her words &quot;&lt;em&gt;I am pleased that you tell me that, it makes me happy, I enjoy a lot texting with you, every time I see I have a message from you I get excited and when we go out I have a great time, thank you for telling me this&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was expecting maybe &quot;I like you too&quot; at the end or something and I didn't ask her &quot;do you like me?&quot; or &quot;how do you see me?&quot; maybe I should have done it but I though &quot;I should never put a lady under pressure, if she feels it too, she will tell me without me asking, if I ask I could put her on the spot&quot; so I didn't ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that we kept texting eachother normally, there was no change on her side, always smiley and energic writing me about her day, which made me happy but on the other hand... I find myself like &quot;floating on the space&quot; if you know what I mean, with thousand things on my head, I just really want to know, what does her response is supposed to mean? Do I like her or not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really want to know if she likes me but I am not sure how to ask without putting pressure on her or making her feel &quot;under attack&quot; so I kindly ask for some advise from you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask her if she likes me?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks a lot in advance, cheers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19936" LastEditorUserId="19936" LastEditDate="2018-07-27T10:26:11.883" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T16:04:55.013" Title="How to ask the girl I am dating if she likes me?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17009" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17020" CreationDate="2018-07-27T10:26:10.460" Score="29" ViewCount="5930" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I created a new account for this question because asking it on my regular account could probably lead to identification of the person it's about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one of the many other StackExchange sites, there is someone who I suspect is gaming the system by upvoting his own posts using two different accounts, positively commenting on his own posts using the two different accounts, using a second account to negatively comment on answers that compete with his answer on the first account, etc. I have already reported these suspicions, that's not what the question is about, this is just context (he/they still is/are active though).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, because of my suspicions, I performed a google search on the two different account names + a common location for them. This led me to what appears to be a personal website of at least one of the accounts. However, among the google results already there were some strange files on this personal website, which are highly likely not intended to be publicly accessible. Investigating further showed many more files that are publicly available on this personal website. I'm talking about things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A signed contract for a house in pdf format&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Archives containing a bunch of source code (the person in question is a programmer), including source files with copyright notices of a company he works at / has worked at.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Contact details, birthdays etc. of family, friends, other kinds of acquaintances&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A &lt;code&gt;.bash.history&lt;/code&gt; file, which contains a long history of commands he has entered into his Linux-based computer. This file includes various raw-text usernames and passwords which he entered himself, links to porn sites he has been visiting/downloading from, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Various references to the name also used by the second account which I suspect he's abusing on StackExchange, and one explicit mention of using a second account (plus a link to something he's probably using to avoid detection by making it look like the two accounts are operating from different IP addresses).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Question&lt;/strong&gt;: Even though I don't particularly like the person due to the behaviour I have perceived, I do feel like I should somehow inform him that all this stuff is publicly available. He'd probably want to know and do something about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what the best way to go about that would be though. I could probably create an anonymous email account to send an email from. However, I haven't been able to find a place where he clearly publishes his email address (I did find various different email addresses in the files which I'm probably not supposed to have had access to though). I'd probably also have to explain how I managed to stumble into this stuff in the first place, but then he's likely going to be able to identify who I am; before finding these files I did already confront him in a comment from my main account that I've noticed his behaviour and don't think it's acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, if I'm already contacting him somehow anyway, it would also be nice to ask him to stop his cheating behaviour. I certainly don't want to come across as trying to blackmail him or anything; I have not and will not share his files with anyone else, but I still think he should be made aware that his behaviour on the site is not acceptable. Again, this is going to mean that he can likely identify my though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20363" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T10:56:09.067" Title="How to inform someone that you stumbled upon private information publicly available on their personal site?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-08-02T06:31:31.863" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17006" CreationDate="2018-07-27T10:50:54.200" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't believe you can find a proper way to straight up ask her as that would be &quot;putting her on the spot&quot; and some people don't react well under such pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What works for me in similar situations is non verbal ques. Look at her body posture when you are together. People tend to sit a lot more openly and casually when they are with people that they like. How does she react if you touch? Does she pull her hand away or does she let it linger? Is she comfortable spending time alone with you in some relative privacy or does she insist on meeting in very public places? Non verbal communication also tends to be more genuine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do after after a couple of dates is maybe plan a short trip together. A day hike perhaps to some interesting landmark, nothing too mainstream and crowded. See if she is comfortable with that and try to make a move if the signs are good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not certain you can read the moment properly you can cause a lot of damage though. It is a thin line. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T10:50:54.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17014" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17018" CreationDate="2018-07-27T11:14:33.510" Score="35" ViewCount="7845" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a romantic relationship with a very close friend of mine (we are both French and in the early 20s). We have been very close for years and we have been living together for a few months now. We spend almost all of our time together (nights and weekends).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he visits his family who lives three hours away from our place, I am unsure whether I should come along or not. I came with him the last few times and &lt;strong&gt;it went well&lt;/strong&gt;, I appreciate his family and I think it is reciprocal. However, I think it would perfectly reasonable if his family wanted to spend alone time with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;How do I know whether his family would prefer me to come or not?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to know because I would personally prefer not coming if it is what his family wants. They don't see him very often (once in a month or two months) and I don't want to &quot;spoil&quot; his visits. Also, in general, &lt;strong&gt;I hate being somewhere where people don't want me around&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My boyfriend wants me to come&lt;/strong&gt;, and on his point of view his family has no reason to want alone time with him (but he's close to the description of Asperger Syndrome, and he may be missing some clues or something)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving that his visits are always informal, there is &lt;strong&gt;no proper invitation&lt;/strong&gt; from his family: he just comes and they are happy with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a quite difficult topic to talk about since if he asks them honestly &quot;Does it bother you if X comes with me?&quot; , they can't really say &quot;yes&quot; because it wouldn't be polite and he might respond &quot;OK, so &lt;em&gt;we&lt;/em&gt; are not coming&quot;.&#xA;I suggested him to phrase the question differently, like &quot;Would you like to have alone time with me this weekend?&quot; but he assures me that his family would take the question exactly as the previous one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way to find out whether my presence is unwanted? Things to ask, or signs to spot when I am there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17641" LastEditorUserId="4430" LastEditDate="2018-07-28T07:24:19.163" LastActivityDate="2019-05-14T01:49:10.620" Title="How to ask my boyfriend's family if it bothers them that I'm coming along" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17006" CreationDate="2018-07-27T11:25:10.490" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the sounds of it, she does like you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her behavior and the text you got back from her would lead me to believe that, she says it makes her happy to know that you like her and she gets excited when she sees she has a message from you, all of which point to the fact she really enjoys your company and quite probably likes you too. Unfortunately though, &lt;strong&gt;the only way you'll know for sure is if you ask her&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand you not wanting to do ask her outright, it could come across the wrong way if you just out of nowhere ask the question and it could be very off-putting for her. I do think there is a way for you to go about asking and not throw her off or catch her off guard too much, you just need to pick the right time and not be overpowering in the way that you ask her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think a good time to ask her would be during one of your next few dates. You don't have to do anything extravagant to ask her if she does like you, just be the you she knows and casually bring it up, it could be something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Hey, remember a while ago I told you that I like you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: Yes, I remember you telling me, it made me happy!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I'm glad it did! I really enjoy spending time with you, it makes me very happy, but I was just wondering, do you like me too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your conversation could go a million different ways, but literally anything along the lines of this wouldn't be pushy or put her on the spot too much. I don't think there's a way to not put her at least slightly on the spot, but that's not necessarily a bad thing as long as you do it right and aren't pushy or in her face about it. You could also add that she doesn't have to answer immediately and can take some time to think about it if she wants to, you can add that based on her reaction to you asking (like if she were to act overly surprised, shocked etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps a bit and apologies if I glazed over anything, just let me know in the comments and I'll edit accordingly - good luck!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19380" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T11:25:10.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17018" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17014" CreationDate="2018-07-27T11:38:22.037" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are thinking too much into this. It doesn't matter whether or not his family would like to spend some alone time with him or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seeing how your relationship is somewhat serious the social expectation for the family is to try to accept you as becoming part of that family. If they would somehow even try to ask for your boyfriend to come without you it would be considered rude. This is also what your boyfriend means when he tells you that they would &quot;take the question exactly the same as the previous one&quot;. It's still rude to even consider it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you already have the feeling that the family accepts you there's no reason to be worried about it either. Instead of thinking about stealing quality time from his family with your boyfriend, see it as their family getting to know you better and being happy for your boyfriend to have found such an important person in his life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T11:38:22.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17014" CreationDate="2018-07-27T11:40:42.770" Score="18" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Giving that his visits are always informal, there is no proper&#xA;  invitation from his family: he just comes and they are happy with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like it's the standard &quot;we're happy to see our kids&quot; kind of visits that you're having. It seems like you're overthinking the situation. Many parents are happy their kids are in fulfilling relationships (and even more happy they're visiting at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would recommend you do not ask directly but instead pick up clues based on how they treat you. Are they happy to see you? When exchanging pleasantries like &quot;You should really visit again sometime&quot;, does their verbiage include you or only him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are very subtle clues, they might not even be clues at all, hence why I'm suggesting you're overthinking it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to have a similar situation with my grandfather. Usually, I would visit with some friends of mine when we were in the area. He was always happy to see me, but I had a similar sort of nagging doubt (There was a bit more to the situation but I'm simplifying a bit to draw parallels). The way he explained it to me was that he was always happy for visits from his grandson and didn't care if it was just me or others. He was just happy I was visiting at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is similar to your situation, so, sure, be receptive if the parents let on on their own they'd like some alone time with their son, but don't force the issue. They're adults and probably very capable of expressing their wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T11:40:42.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17020" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17009" CreationDate="2018-07-27T12:54:02.857" Score="33" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do feel like I should somehow inform him that all this stuff is publicly available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would do what someone did to me once (after breaking into a server I was renting and that had been badly protected by the admin): &lt;strong&gt;inform&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The guy who stepped in left at the root level a *.txt note saying that he had found a security breach. He touched nothing else. Thanks. Fixed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would behave like the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_hat_(computer_security)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;White Hat Hacker&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just found that [ this / this / this ] and this [ data / img / txt ] is accessible through a simple Google search (maybe include &lt;em&gt;just 1 link&lt;/em&gt;, to a minor data sheet, in case you hit the wrong guy, it's up to you to decide whether or not you give a link). Hope this help. Signed: White-Hat Sherlock.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this from a junk email, created, used and dumped as soon as you're done.&#xA;You've been a fair and nice guy, nothing else matters, nothing else needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second part, about cheating, isn't really of your business though. SO has policies, professional people performing the job, let them handle it. If you think he is tricking the system, inform them and that's it. They'll take care of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm splitting your OP into two separate issues, as they should not require, IMO, the same treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The security breach and the way you could handle it is nice. Forget about the rest (possibly 2 accounts), you did what you thought you had to. Let it go...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;From comments - clarification: As far as my research and understanding were correct, the &lt;em&gt;Computer Misuse Act (UK - 1990)&lt;/em&gt;, the &lt;em&gt;Comprehensive Crime Control Act (USA - 1984)&lt;/em&gt; and the &lt;em&gt;Computer Fraud and Abuse Act (CFAA) (USA - 1986)&lt;/em&gt;, and lots of others laws across the world (in many languages), until very recently, most say that you may &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; break into any computer, system, and/or access any data without authorization. It's illegal. It makes the unauthorised access to computer material an offence. So, what the hacker did to me was illegal, for sure, I know it, we/you all know it.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Whether their goal was nice or not, it's illegal. I just kept in mind the core of the action : &lt;strong&gt;inform me&lt;/strong&gt;. They told me, so we could fix it. Without that information, anyone, less well-intentioned, could have done a lot of bad things on our server. I can only thank them for sharing that information. And recommend that you too share, with the owner, any security issue, any part of sensitive data you find exposed on the internet, so that the owner can fix the problem and protect their data.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;I used this example, that happened to me, to illustrate the need to inform, not to support it, or discuss its il-legality. And I'm not telling more than: be nice, send an email to share what you've found. Don't let them be exposed.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T10:56:09.067" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T10:56:09.067" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17009" CreationDate="2018-07-27T12:55:18.737" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you already stated, both topics are essentially unrelated:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You found very personal information publicly availyble on the internet&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You suspect someone of cheating by using multiple accounts on Stack Exchange&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though one (cheating suspicion) lead to the second (found private information), they should be treated completely independantly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish, contact the person on Stack to discuss their behavior, but don't mention your finding any related website.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish, create an anonymous mail account and report the private data you found and where you found them. You don't have to explain how you found it. Address the mail to every mail address you found in this context, chances are that at least some of them are still active. Hell, you could write an actual analog letter and send it to his address...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By saying something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I found some &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; private data of you. And by the way, I &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; dislike your cheating behavior on Stack Exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you already blackmail or coerce him. You cannot link both topics without excerting pressure on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T12:55:18.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17022" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17030" CreationDate="2018-07-27T13:04:43.570" Score="5" ViewCount="1597" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months ago, a new co-worker &lt;strong&gt;A&lt;/strong&gt; joined the company. He was hired as a SEO expert social media marketer. Due to the nature of his job, he is always active on various social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter &amp;amp; Youtube. He's also obsessed with politics. Fortunately, all of the employees here are supporting the same political party (otherwise the whole situation would have been a hell for me).  He is always listening to the news while working using headphones. Every time a breaking news comes, he immediately shares it loudly and everyone in the working hall except me welcome this news and start commenting on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of the co-workers in the hall sit close to each other and keep discussing the political matters of the country. I don't get involved unless it seems very important to make a point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two days ago this person &lt;strong&gt;A&lt;/strong&gt; made an argument that the party leader should do this instead of that and I really got triggered and said: &quot;&lt;strong&gt;YOU SHOULD BE HIS ADVISOR&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PROBLEM&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put simply, I am really bothered and overwhelmed with these political discussions at work even though we all support the newly elected political party. Yesterday I was so overwhelmed that I went to the manager and told him the truth and asked him to let me go home for today.&#xA;He said &quot;Yes, I understand the situation and can't help it because of the election environment as he himself is involved in discussions&quot; and allowed me to go home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I want to communicate ?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to know, how can I ask my co-workers to stop discussing and gossiping over political matters of the country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, I am trying not to engage myself in these discussions by keeping quiet and using headphones so that I don't listen to those &lt;em&gt;Breaking News &amp;amp; political advice&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am pretty sure that this matter will persist when election season ends because people here are obsessed with political parties and affairs&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13555" LastEditorUserId="13555" LastEditDate="2018-07-27T13:28:42.473" LastActivityDate="2019-04-06T16:34:09.173" Title="How to address colleagues to stop talking about politics?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;pakistan&gt;&lt;politics&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17022" CreationDate="2018-07-27T13:35:17.810" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;One way to try to fix this is to feel out the co-workers on whether they really want to spend their time getting worked up about politics.  24 hour politics can be exhausting even when everyone (pretty much) agrees.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to sound people out separately from the work discussion.  Don't approach it as &quot;please be quiet I'm trying to work&quot; but rather in some other setting like lunch, mention how tiring or difficult to concentrate it can be with lots of politics going on.  Other people may chime in and agree, at which point you can steer the conversation towards trying to tone down the politics.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing this as a group will come across a lot better and be a lot easier than you individually telling people what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T13:35:17.810" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17026" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17006" CreationDate="2018-07-27T13:51:26.280" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know your question is &quot;How can I ask her if she likes me?&quot; but I would really like to advise you not to do it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not ask her anything like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she likes you, maybe she doesn't but putting her in a corner will only break the &quot;magic&quot;, if there's any. I believe you're afraid of being &quot;friendzoned&quot; (i.e. seen only as a male friend to her). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she likes you but she's:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;shy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;playfully teasing you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;in the social environment that doesn't allow her to explicitly express her feelings towards you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;1000 other reasons&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, don't be in a hurry, give her time to figure out does she likes you or not.&#xA;Just try to see if the things are moving forward: is she more comfortable when you're together (i.e. less nervous compared to the first date, if she seeks for physical contact like holding hands, hugs etc.)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, keep in mind that at your (I could say our) age both male and female tend to know what they want and how to get it, so I wouldn't spend months trying to figure out if she likes you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20371" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T13:51:26.280" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-27T13:53:54.133" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to reasons of politeness, habit or wishing to make the reader feel more comfortable about asking questions (as pointed out in all the other great answers) I sometimes include this kind of thing because it makes &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; more efficient. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would guess that statement might not make much sense to some people so let me explain what I mean. I'm a person that considers being clear and accurate in my communication to be very important. I'm also a little bit of a perfectionist. Between these two things, I often spend a significant (and probably unnecessary) amount of time writing and rewriting a document or email in an attempt to more clearly communicate to the reader exactly what I mean. In most cases, however, this is a waste of time. Intellectually, I know that the difference between these &quot;quick&quot; emails and the ones that take significantly longer to compose is relatively minimal and I've probably been clear enough with my first draft, but unless I take that extra time to review and revise, I tend to have a general uneasiness about how well I've communicated. Adding an extra line like the one you're asking about can help me to overcome the feeling that the email I'm about to send isn't &quot;up to my standard&quot;. As you point out, it's probably irrelevant to most of the people I'm sending work emails to, but it's also harmless and including it gives me permission to hit &quot;send&quot; and move on to the next thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18546" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T13:53:54.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17022" CreationDate="2018-07-27T14:54:19.747" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, make sure your arguments are always from the point of view of the business side of things, that way, it translates to the work environment having a problem instead of the worker (read: you) being the problem: The problem is that loud political discussions are disturbing your work and making you less efficient (and everyone else as well, as they are discussing politics instead of working).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The first step is to find out what your company's policy about this is; as most (at least large) companies have some kind of policies about political discussions in the workplace and/or about disturbing other employees work with idle banter and most of those policies say: Don't do it, keep it in your pants / do it in the break room.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's obvious that if almost all of the people in the unit you work in share similar political views, such policies can be left unenforced, but if you find one, you can use it as leverage when you tell your manager (or whoever you end up dealing with) that this is getting in the way of your work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your manager being a part of the problem signals to me that he is not the best person to solve the problem for you (again, company policy is what you need to figure out first - who is the person you turn to when your manager is the problem / part of the problem / not fixing the problem, if you don't know, turn to HR and they will tell you who that person is, if you don't have HR, turn to his boss with a &quot;I'm sorry to disturb you but I don't know who to turn to with this problem&quot; -type of message explaining the problem as objectively as possible - don't blame specific people for it, just explain the cause-and-effect of it - and the need for a solution / policy). This might not be possible / work in a non-corporate environment, where policies and strict adherence to set rules are not so important and managers lead with a from-the-hip -attitude.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If your company has no policy on it or is very liberal about this, you can always get noise-cancelling earphones (or -plugs) and put 'em on while you work (personal favourite, I don't know how people can live without them in the modern world) or when the political rambling starts. Just remember to first find out if your company can supply them to you before making the purchase yourself (depending on the way these things work in your company, you may need to make a formal requisition either to your manager or to a specific unit in the company).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11441" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-27T15:02:17.193" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T15:02:17.193" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17022" CreationDate="2018-07-27T15:33:54.983" Score="7" Body="&lt;h3&gt;I'm sorry, but I think you're going to have to let this one go.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's been several similar questions on the Workplace exchange, and while none are identical to yours, they all carry the same theme: politics creeping into the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/14461/how-can-i-avoid-divisive-political-issues-at-work&quot;&gt;How can I avoid divisive political issues at work?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/103216/is-it-reasonable-for-me-to-complain-about-an-objectionable-newspaper-being-order&quot;&gt;Is it reasonable for me to complain about an objectionable newspaper being ordered for the office?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/112888/how-do-i-deal-with-the-political-promotional-items-in-the-workplace&quot;&gt;How do I deal with the political promotional items in the workplace?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, there's a theme to the answers: If it's harmful to the company, tell the manager. If that doesn't work, keep your head down. In particular, Masked Man &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/a/112890/71210&quot;&gt;gives this answer&lt;/a&gt; to the promotional items question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Never let go of an opportunity to mind your own business. You have nothing to gain from getting involved in a confrontation over it. Ignore it and move on with your work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid to say I think that's the correct course of action here too. Throughout the course of your question, you've said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;all of the employees here are supporting the same political party&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;everyone in the working hall except me welcome this news and start commenting on it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;All of the co-workers in the hall sit close to each other and keep discussing the political matters of the country&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that your manager said &lt;em&gt;&quot;Yes, I understand the situation and can't help it&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;people here are obsessed with political parties and affairs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that your company has embraced this change in culture; that it's become baked in. At this point, then, what you're asking is &quot;how can I reverse an accepted change in my company's culture&quot;, and I don't know that you can. You can try to ask employee A directly to stop, but I think we both know that's not a likely prospect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you believe it's genuinely harmful to the company, then you should bring it up with your manager. Unfortunately, you have and he's effectively told you to deal with it. The next best resource would be HR, but I don't advise you turn there. There's a trope on the Workplace that &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/search?tab=votes&amp;amp;q=hr%20is%20not%20your%20friend&quot;&gt;HR is not your friend&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/116344/what-are-the-pros-and-cons-of-escalating-a-personnel-conflict-issue-to-hr#116375&quot;&gt;one particular question&lt;/a&gt; on the topic, Dan &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/a/116348/71210&quot;&gt;correctly points out&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;HR won't pick sides. They won't say if you are doing right, or if the other guy is doing right. Instead they will look if there are any legal issues and if they have to protect the company or not. Chances are though if you're constantly complaining, they'll just find a reason to fire you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The alternative, then, is to poll your coworkers' opinions on it. If there's support for cutting the political talk out of the office, then as a collective it may be worth bring attention to your manager again. This time, be sure to point to definitive negative effects the conversations have. If several people find it distracting, say &quot;we all agree, it makes it hard for us to stay focused on our work.&quot; Don't present the issue as harmful to you; present it as harmful to the company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, from the context of your question, it seems most people in your company enjoy the conversations. That shifts your goal from changing only person A's behavior to changing your entire office's behavior, and I don't think you have a strong enough case to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I would stay un-involved, and get better headphones. If you'd like advice on how best to do this, I'd point you again to the first linked question; in particular, I think &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/a/14465/71210&quot;&gt;Monica's answer&lt;/a&gt; gives the best advice here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="3601" LastEditDate="2018-07-27T16:31:28.750" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T16:31:28.750" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16995" CreationDate="2018-07-27T15:53:44.660" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had this issue on two separate occasions with 3 roommates. Granted, the second time around it wasn't as bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be up front. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be kind and try your best to be understanding.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't nit-pick at them personally. I've learned that the most effective way of confronting people when you're not confrontational is to outline the conversation with &quot;I feel..when you do (or don't do)...&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they try to pick at you then say &quot;Okay, I apologize that when I do...you feel...&quot; (don't try to or accidentally be sarcastic or condescending when you say this, it makes things worse): it's a bit of humility on your part which goes along way in a conversation with someone, but you aren't saying &quot;I'm sorry&quot; for your behavior or what &quot;you did&quot; - also say you'll work on it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When all is said and done end with 1 or 2 things you all can work on, this gives you leverage the next time you bring it up if it doesn't get worked on &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also preface by saying &quot;I know y'all have been in a groove with each other before I got here and I don't want to disturb the peace but...(the reference point 3)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anything, this is better than the one roommate I had who cried because I had alcohol (wine) in our apartment and wouldn't throw it out (she also cried because she needed the apartment 2 degrees cooler in the winter) and the other one who shunned me after I had picked up her drunk-ass and stood outside while she threw up at 3 in the morning in 20 degree weather :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20372" LastEditorUserId="20372" LastEditDate="2018-07-27T16:37:45.270" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T16:37:45.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17032" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17014" CreationDate="2018-07-27T16:01:37.010" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I already agree with other answers, but if you really want to have a more precise idea of the family's point of view you could try to joke about it and then ask more seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you feel like it you can address one of the parents along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Haha btw sorry you always have to cook more food for me [or whatever extra effort] when your son finally visits you !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably you can expect an answer which would look like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh don't worry it's our pleasure&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then you can follow with a more serious statement&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh thanks ! but really if once in a while you wish to have more &quot;only family&quot; time, just let me know I would perfectly understand&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can guess a bit more through their tone in this conversation if you really bother them, and you have given them the responsability to communicate to you if they want something. Just don't mention it again or they might believe you are looking for an excuse not to come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are if they did not want you around they would already have find a way to make you feel not so welcome&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9206" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T16:01:37.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17006" CreationDate="2018-07-27T16:13:22.873" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what you write it seems to me quite clear that she does like you. You make no mention to confirm she is single but I assume that she must be so after four dates she is still excited to talk and be around you that is strong evidence she likes you. It could be that she does not say as much in her response because she assumes it is obvious. There is really no way to know for sure without asking specifically though. I can understand why you may be hesitant to do so though and so you might want to ask a question that presupposes everything is going well such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I've been really enjoying our time together but I wanted to know where you see this going?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking this way you're not showing any indication that you aren't clear where she is at the moment, you're asking about her intentions and allowing you to talk about how you hope your relationship will go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T16:13:22.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17034" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-27T16:32:51.873" Score="1" ViewCount="697" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife's birthday is coming up next week, and I'm looking to get her a cake - she rarely ever has gotten her very own birthday cake, and I want to get her something she will really appreciate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has told me that her preference is for a cheesecake with cherry topping. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This presents a problem though - I do not like cheesecake at all.  As I am the only one who will be there with her (We prefer private birthdays), I feel like it would be awkward for her to have a whole cheesecake and see me not having anything.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She did mention that she would also like yellow cake with chocolate frosting, but I feel like this would be a substitute to what she's really asking for - and I feel like if I got just one slice of cake for me and a whole cheesecake for her, she would still feel awkward (and that getting one slice of cheesecake for her and a whole yellow cake would be equally awkward).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not want to just get two slices of different cake either - as the real draw of this is for her to have an entire cake made for her birthday.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do so that my wife won't feel awkward about getting so much cheesecake?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3209" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T15:17:19.393" Title="How can my wife have her cake if I won't eat it too?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-07-27T18:25:13.433" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17034" CreationDate="2018-07-27T16:49:11.633" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Get...both?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My local grocery store sells whole cheesecakes, single slices of cheesecake, and variety packs of cheesecake slices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Buy as much cheesecake as you think she'll eat, then make a small cake that can be for both of you. That way she has something home-made &lt;strong&gt;AND&lt;/strong&gt; what you know she actually wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10744" LastEditorUserId="10744" LastEditDate="2018-08-02T15:17:19.393" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T15:17:19.393" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17037" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-27T20:42:24.760" Score="1" ViewCount="75" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, as I am walking, for example, in a long corridor, I will randomly make eye contact from across the corridor with someone I know personally who is walking in the opposite direction. I want to greet this person but I am always unsure on how to do it. It's always a bit awkward because of the initial distance which prevents vocal greetings, but waving from afar and then slowly walking towards each other followed by another greeting is also kinda weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the best way to behave when you see someone you want to greet but they are far away?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I just wait to be close enough to greet vocally but the long walk without acknowledging each other is still weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13344" LastActivityDate="2018-07-27T20:42:24.760" Title="How to greet someone in a long corridor" Tags="&lt;canada&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-07-27T20:55:25.243" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-28T01:18:40.160" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally I tend to avoid this formula because it may let intend we think the other is not competent enough to understand my email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I rather say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please let me know if you'd like to elaborate on any of the above points &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or anyway something on this line, so that I'm not putting in doubt the interlocutor's ability to understand my words, but I'm rather showing openness to further expand my though to address any concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming to your question, I think it's polite to end an email with something like what I proposed, for the reasons stated above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1816" LastActivityDate="2018-07-28T01:18:40.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17040" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-28T03:35:34.897" Score="3" ViewCount="4723" Body="&lt;p&gt;To make things clear, I really love my mother and my girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About my mother&lt;/strong&gt;: she gave me everything in life. She really loves me, and do her best to take care of me. But I can not deny that she is a really difficult person to deal with, and when she doesn't like someone, she is really unpleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About my girlfriend&lt;/strong&gt;: she comes from a poor and divided family, but she is a person that always fights for her dreams. About 8 years ago, she left her hometown (about 500km from my city) to live here. We met each other at a party and started dating about 3 weeks after that party. We've been in a relationship for about 3 years. At the moment, she is having more contact with her family, mainly because of a newly born nephew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The differences between my GF and mother started long ago when, at a Christmas night in my house, my father said that he was really happy with my old brother having a new girlfriend; and he said nothing about my GF (me and my brother started to date our girlfriends the same week). Also, my mother has always been a pleasant person with my brother's girlfriend (because she was rich), while she was not giving much attention to my girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, my mother had already argued with me many times just because I was hanging on with my girlfriend and never said anything about my brother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that this hate towards each other is really driving me mad. It's causing me anxiety, a little bit of depression and emotional instability. Also, my girlfriend is threatening me that she will move to her homeland to stay with her family and will never go back. I want to find a way to solve this problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been on this relationship for 3 years now. My mother, unfortunately, is a very proud person. I think that she will not apologize for her acts and my girlfriend said that she doesn't want to live with my mother anymore. How can I make each other to live in peace?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OBS: I live with muito parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19967" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-07-28T06:58:51.570" LastActivityDate="2018-07-28T13:17:49.513" Title="My mother and girlfriend hates each other. What can I do?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;brazil&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-28T15:04:10.327" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17042" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-28T06:24:03.633" Score="9" ViewCount="810" Body="&lt;p&gt;I spend most of the time in my lab and do my work. I prepare food for myself everyday and want to eat it in the lab when hungry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally prepare limited food only for me and hence I want to eat alone without sharing. It is okay for me to share my food once in a month (or once in a long period) but not every day. Since I eat food daily in the lab and don't offer it to my friends/labmates, I can sense that they are developing an unfriendly opinion towards me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In India, it is minimum courtesy to offer the food to the surrounding people (who are not eating like me) before eating. Since the other labmates only eat their own food occasionally in the labs, it's not a big issue for them to share their food. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I offer food then I end up with either much less or no food and I can't spend my time and money on preparing more food so that I can have sufficient food after sharing also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I send positive vibes to labmates without sharing my food?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20344" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-07-28T18:30:41.780" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T15:49:21.507" Title="Etiquette of sharing food at workplace?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;sharing&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17043" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17042" CreationDate="2018-07-28T07:52:15.140" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;To me it sounds like your problem is not the fact that you are supposed to offer your food, but when you offer your food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you eat at the same time as your friends, you all offer to share at the same time. If someone takes half of your lunch, you can take the same amount of theirs to have enough food for a satisfying meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you make a &quot;lunch date&quot; with your friends. You could agree on a certain time or you set a time period (maybe an hour) and contact each other when you decide to eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, you said you don't want to eat together with your friends every day. Set the lunch dates at bigger intervals like every second friday or every first day of a month. That way you don't have to eat with them every day and they don't feel neglected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-07-28T07:52:15.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17014" CreationDate="2018-07-28T08:20:12.333" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you visit you might like to encourage them to have &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; &quot;alone time&quot; together, any opportunity to talk privately, perhaps even a couple of hours. When my brother or I visited our parents with our partners, I/we made it a point do something with our Dad -- e.g. go to the pub with him, or play a game of squash -- while our partners did something else, for example go the cinema with Mum, help in the garden, or do some homework alone on their computer, or anything like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastEditorUserId="9053" LastEditDate="2018-07-28T09:45:10.127" LastActivityDate="2018-07-28T09:45:10.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17040" CreationDate="2018-07-28T13:17:49.513" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a saying that &quot;blood is thicker than water&quot;, i.e. family comes first. However, I don't entirely subscribe to that view. Parents are human too, they have flaws, and may even ultimately not be very nice people. You don't get to choose that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an adult, you have a choice how much you let family interfere with your personal life, and this can require difficult choices. While you're living under your parent's roof, naturally it's hard to avoid them, and out of respect for them giving you a place to live, you should be civil towards them. If the dislike between your mother and girlfriend can't be reconciled, your options are pretty limited:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Continue to live with your parents and see your girlfriend, just try to minimize contact between them. (Most stressful outcome - basically nothing changes).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Move out of your parents house as soon as you can. Limit contact with your mother and try to heal the relationship with your girlfriend. You get more independence, but at a financial cost.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Accept that the relationship with your girlfriend isn't going to work out because of your mother's views, and end it. You get to stay living with them, but have to find a new relationship or just be single for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, option 2 is really the best outcome for your life in general, since as adults we need to find independence, and the earlier this happens the better it will equip you to deal with all the various complexities of life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-07-28T13:17:49.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17042" CreationDate="2018-07-29T07:46:07.843" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Indian here. Sharing food is an untold courtesy and few of them deem themselves entitled to take a bite of food from our lunch boxes, yes, without asking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Handling it varies from person to person, situation to situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In one case, when two colleagues took some food from another male colleague, he promptly said, 'Taste it. Leave enough for me so that I don't stay hungry'. Or something on those lines. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From next time onwards, everyone would get into an auto-alert mode and let him eat his food peacefully. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realized that when he said that, he sounded firm, confident but not rude. He knew what he wanted. He didn't drag the conversation and later swiftly switched the topic to something else. In such cases, people tend to forget the incident and yet acknowledge what he said. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, there could be pesky people who could take offense at it; it is always better to avoid them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. No one really has to know about the time/money factor. People can get nosy when you even mention it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T07:46:07.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17059" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-07-29T10:56:42.573" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-07-29T10:56:42.573" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T10:56:42.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17060" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-07-29T10:56:42.573" Score="0" Body="Questions that have a specific focus on people in Tunisia or Tunisian culture." OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-07-29T10:56:42.573" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T10:56:42.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17061" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17062" CreationDate="2018-07-29T12:05:54.700" Score="-3" ViewCount="337" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 17 years old boy. On my last holiday I met a girl one year older than me. We talked for like 5 min and I really liked it. She is working in the hotel which I was guest in. We exchanged our facebook profiles because we wanted to maintain some sort of connection. For now we are only texting and sending photos. I know that it's not enough. The distance between me and her is 4-5 hours by car. Can you give me any advice on how to improve our realtionship? Thank you in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20407" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T13:23:11.243" Title="What should I do to maintain a long-distance relationship?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-29T13:40:02.163" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17061" CreationDate="2018-07-29T13:23:11.243" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in a long distance relationship for 5 years (my husband and I are married now, but still living apart due to immigration stuff).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What we found worked was making sure we made time for each other. We text, we make sure we talk to each other every day (like a phone call or Skype call or something), that sort of thing. Knowing that we will hear each other's voices, even for a bit (and see each others faces, if we do a video call) helps the distance seem shorter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than that, find ways you can be together even with the kilometres between. For my husband and I, this means we play a lot of video games together, because that's what we like doing. There are sites you can use to watch the same movie together (or you get really good at going &quot;okay press play in 3,2,1,go&quot;),stuff like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, it's like any other relationship, except you have to work a little harder to be present in each other's lives, because you can't just hang out in the same space when you want to. Make sure you make time to visit each other when you can, because nothing replaces that face to face time when you can actually touch each other and do &quot;normal couple stuff&quot; (you never realize how nice it is to just sit snuggled up to someone quietly reading or something until you can't do it). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T13:23:11.243" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17042" CreationDate="2018-07-29T15:49:21.507" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a few options here: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Eat together with them&lt;/strong&gt;: Now you can eat some of the food that they offer. However, given the vast diversity in the food that people bring, this might not suit your tastes. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Eat alone outside the lab&lt;/strong&gt;: You don't need to share your food if there's nobody nearby. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Socialize with coworkers by other means&lt;/strong&gt;: At one of my previous jobs, I ate my lunch at my desk without offering it to anyone. However, I would occasionally bring in self-cooked &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aloo_paratha&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;dhokla&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puran_poli&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;ubbatti&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aloo_paratha&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;aloo paratha&lt;/a&gt;, etc. for my colleagues. I would also take coffee breaks, etc. with them. Nobody gave me any strange looks or treat me like a social outcast for not offering my lunch. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bring a little more food and choose how much you offer&lt;/strong&gt;: I know you said you don't want to bring more food, but I suggest you reconsider. Rather than letting them take as much as they like, you could say, &quot;Hey, I got some &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pohay&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Kanda Poha&lt;/a&gt; today, would you like some?&quot; and hold out a spoonful. Most people would either politely decline, or take a spoonful and be done with. Some people might ask, &quot;Can I have some more?&quot;, but I doubt anyone would have more than two or three spoonfuls, because that would be socially shameful. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, some advice from the Workplace perspective. Make peace with the fact that when you work with people in an office environment, you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to give up some of your personal preferences in consideration for others. It sometimes means spending a little of your own money. See this &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/a/116452/3192&quot;&gt;related answer&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="141" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T15:49:21.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17006" CreationDate="2018-07-29T16:04:55.013" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Do you like me?&quot; is like asking &quot;is there a sufficient limit on your credit card?&quot;.  What do you have in mind that wants a blanket authorization?  Are the things you have been doing with her not what you actually want to be doing?  Is &quot;I like you&quot; going to stand in for a number of separate &quot;I like to do $x with you&quot; statements?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or do you feel uncomfortable about asking for doing $x unless you get the authorization form signature beforehand?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she prefers to get asked even if she likes you?  Or she likes to get surprised?  Ask her.  If she does not like getting surprised, you can just ask as things come up.  And if she does like getting surprised, you have the perfect excuse for trying to feel out whether there are some definite no-no things not to try (yet?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user20410" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T16:04:55.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17069" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-29T19:58:20.130" Score="1" ViewCount="545" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 24 year old girl and a few months ago a guy wrote to me by chat answering a question, I was happy because I &quot;know&quot; him a little in social media and he seems to me a interesting person. The problem was he gave me short answers like &quot;haha&quot; so I think I was bothering him so I stopped to chat him. A month later he contacted me again. We texted during a few days, he takes a long time to answer me (6 hours or 1 day) so...the same story happened, I stopped to talk and everything ok. This situation has been repeated MANY times but I feel very tired and uncomfortable because I love to communicate, send random photos, audios, have a good conversation and know things about the person but I can't with this boy and that makes me think I'm doing something wrong every time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;More&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a lot of introverts friends and I never had a problem with them because I talk a lot, I ask a lot and &lt;strong&gt;I hear&lt;/strong&gt; a lot too. They say to me I'm a easy going person (maybe that explains why I can't manage this rare situation for me) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to act. He is a confirmed introvert, but I can't distinguish the thin line of introvert / disinterest. My desire to meet new people makes me want to talk but my insecurity makes me think that I'm bothering. The most important thing for me is not to overwhelmed anyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;So...I should ask things, talk and continue the conversation or only give a short answers too? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16151" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T11:39:48.803" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T11:39:48.803" Title="Deal with an introvert person" Tags="&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;texting&gt;&lt;chatting&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-07-29T20:49:42.310" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17069" CreationDate="2018-07-29T20:33:30.283" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My fiance is like this.  She doesn't tend to do little texts or emails.  It made me nervous and took me quite a while to figure out how to handle it.  Turned out she is just very focused, and whatever she is working on or doing at the moment is what she's thinking about.  She doesn't spend a lot of time with extraneous communication.  Eventually I stopped stressing about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know that this guy you are occasionally chatting with is the same but it's a possibility.  If he seems happy to chat with you but just doesn't do it very often, you may just need to back off and relax about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-07-29T20:33:30.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17072" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-29T23:30:31.137" Score="6" ViewCount="492" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am aware that it's more polite to give your employer notice in person, however the office I work in is not the same as my Line Manager. In order to give notice in person I would have to travel some hours during working hours at the companies expense. As such I have decided to give my notice via a phone call, after which I will email my resignation letter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My Line manager has themselves arranged a phone call with me, so I will tell them during this call. However, I am aware that my LM is fully expecting this call to be about work that I have and will do, and even possible plans for the future. With this in mind I feel I should start the conversation with my resignation, so that they're not talking about plans a couple months down the line. I'm also aware that my resignation will be unexpected and throw off what they had planned (such as future plans). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since my LM is expecting this to be a catch up call about my work I'm not sure how to bring up the fact that I'm resigning (with proper notice) in a friendly way. Basically, after the initial Hello's, how do I tell my LM I'm resigning in a friendly matter before they start talking about my work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm asking this on IPS and not Workplace because I'm asking how to approach a topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it helps I'm from the UK and I already have another job lined up. There are no hard feelings at my current place of employment, I get on with my co workers and even my LM. I've just found a job that better suits my needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16638" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T15:16:45.240" Title="Giving notice via the phone" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-08-04T17:50:26.463" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17073" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17079" CreationDate="2018-07-30T00:06:02.543" Score="2" ViewCount="1311" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the progression of events with me and this friend group:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I met and dated a girl &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I met some of this girl's friends. I got along with them just fine.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The girl wasn't romantically interested in me, and showed this by ghosting me. I asked her directly to be my GF, and she explained she'd rather be friends. We continued to be friends, but didn't interact very often because of work we had to do. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I was shy around her and her friend group, so I ghosted her without meaning it maliciously. When I noticed her reaction to this, I explained to her directly that I wasn't trying to ghost her, but that I was just shy. We were still fine friends.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some friends of hers regularly seemed to me to be ghosting me. This really bothered me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation as it stood in (5) above is a bad steady-state. I get ghosted by people who I'm not close enough to to resolve issues with. In my mind they must've been ghosting me because the girl had spoken negatively of me. The way the situation developed further is as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;6&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It eventually bothered me enough that I decided to cut contact with everyone in the friend group. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This hurt the girl (I'm not sure if she was aware that her friends were ghosting me), so several of her friends definitely dislike me now.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I still have to see them around on a regular basis, and not all of them dislike me. I feel pretty bad about it, but it's also somewhat liberating.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to focus on (5). I felt trapped at that point. Whenever someone ghosted me it was hurtful. I also didn't feel like I could ask the girl directly if her friends were being malicious because she is so much closer to these people than me as a friend. I don't like how the situation ended, but it seemed like one of the few reasonable responses I had to not keep getting hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose it's important to be general such that this question is useful for the community at large: &#xA;How does one interact with someone whose close friend group seems to dislike you? More specifically, how could one have approached the situation when at (5).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goals when I was at step 5 were to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Remain friends with the girl. I'm not looking to rebound, and I thought our friendship was genuinely pleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not get ghosted anymore&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not put the girl in a situation where she has to consider her friends' word against mine (in case they say they were not ghosting me, and also to avoid making her uncomfortable)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My approach only satisfied the latter two criteria.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some final details (though I can provide more if anyone's curious about anything):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The girl and I got along quite well as friends, which is why I considered it worthwhile to try to find a solution such that we could keep being friends. The people in her friend group made me pretty uncomfortable with all the ghosting, though. And since we were usually busy and couldn't hang out often, most of what I got from knowing her as a friend were kind of rare but pleasant hang outs with her and frequent unpleasant interactions ('ghostings') with her friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user20417" LastEditorDisplayName="user20417" LastEditDate="2018-07-31T11:53:58.133" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T11:53:58.133" Title="How to interact with someone whose close friend group seems to dislike you?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17075" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-30T00:14:34.947" Score="40" ViewCount="30529" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was born and raised in Italy and got married to a wonderful girl from Spain whom I met in the UK. A year ago my brother-in-law has met a nice girl from Italy and held a long distance relationship with her for about a year. A month ago she moved to live with him in Spain and he's about to propose to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been asked a few times by my in-laws the simple, very straight question: &quot;&lt;strong&gt;what do you think about her?&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; and I provided my honest answer: she's a lovely person, easy going, good looking but I couldn't find much of an intellectual depth. To be more clear, every question that I have asked her she summarized in a word or she was unable to articulate a convincing argument to anything. She doesn't even speak Spanish while she lived there for over a year (she was there 3 years ago). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have the feeling that it's too soon to propose and too soon to get married as they don't really know each other. They are both in their early/mid 30s and the age factor, at least on her side, pushes him to go ahead and foster the relationship. This family is very dear to me for many reasons, they are very famous and well respected in Spain and they really care about my opinions in general. From my conversation with other members of the family, I would say that we're all on the same page - she's nice, but she lacks something fundamental for a relationship and that is the intellectual capacity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are completely in love without control (which makes me very happy for them) but I think he deserves a much better girl; forgive me for being so blunt here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I talk to him about my concerns about her without losing my relationship with him and/or with the family? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answers below are very valuable to me! Just to sharpen my question a bit more: I was &lt;strong&gt;requested&lt;/strong&gt; to provide my thoughts about the girl by both father/mother AND the brother-in-law. They asked me to tell them what I think because they know I will tell them my humble opinion. It's a tricky question and hence I need to formulate an answer that is honest and direct on the one hand while diplomatic and unharmful on the other hand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastEditorUserId="2603" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T02:08:16.003" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T02:08:16.003" Title="How to talk to my brother-in-law about my concerns about his intent to propose to his girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17075" CreationDate="2018-07-30T01:18:28.673" Score="200" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll be honest with you.  You sound like you're judging someone else's choices by your own standards, rather than what might be best for &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, and what they consider to be &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; priorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, you come across as a bit of a snob who perhaps has judged the woman by superficial qualities.  She might be much more intelligent than you think but just doesn't care about the things you care about, enough to extend a conversation about matters she considers uninteresting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, it's entirely possible that someone who marries into your wife's &amp;quot;famous&amp;quot; family will have certain duties and expectations, like appearing gracious before the press.  In that case I would suggest you focus on her perceived ability to perform those duties rather than her perceived intellectual capacity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, then the only questions that matter are, &amp;quot;Does she make your brother-in-law happy?&amp;quot; and, &amp;quot;Does he think she embodies the qualities that make a good wife?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your in-laws asking what you think, I would have suggested you tell them you don't feel comfortable talking behind their son's back, but if he would like to have an open discussion about it, then you're happy to tell him your opinion of her -- with the understanding that, in the end, it's his opinion that matters and that you will be happy for him no matter what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Edit) To clarify the statements in the last paragraph.  You should not go behind your brother-in-law's back to discuss your opinion with his parents.  If asked, your answer should be something like, &amp;quot;I don't think I should talk about this without (brother-in-law's name) present&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If&lt;/strong&gt;, instead, the entire family wants to have a discussion as a group, and &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; your brother-in-law indicates he would be open to everyone's &lt;strong&gt;honest&lt;/strong&gt; opinion, and &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; you all agree that, in the end, it's his decision to make -- &lt;strong&gt;then&lt;/strong&gt; you can and should express your opinion freely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you might expect, saying, &amp;quot;I don't think she's very smart,&amp;quot; can come across as a bit rude.  Instead take a more tactful approach, and ask leading questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm concerned that you don't share the same interests.  What do you guys do together?  What do you talk about when you're alone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you ever feel like she's holding you back in any way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does she seem comfortable when you both are together with your own friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you think she's willing to learn Spanish, if only to feel like she can speak freely with your family?  If not, do you think that will be a problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are fair questions.  When you marry someone, you often marry their whole family, plus all of their friends.  If one partner doesn't get along with that extended group, it can cause a friction that grows increasingly uncomfortable over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you should not exaggerate those differences, or focus on any one particular trait.  Perhaps, to him, her most important quality is her sweet disposition, or her style, or simply the fact that they have great &lt;em&gt;chemistry&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, you don't know your brother-in-law's intended fiancée the way he does.  It's possible that her outward congeniality masks hidden depths, which (for whatever reason) she doesn't feel comfortable showing to just anyone.  You have to first check that you're trying to keep an open mind about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to his answers to those questions, without prejudgment.   Be willing to change your opinions about her, and her &amp;quot;fitness&amp;quot; for your brother-in-law.  Frame your own opinion in the context of what might conflict with what he wants, or which might cause significant problems in the family.  Always try to make it about &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;his values&lt;/em&gt; rather than about you and your values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example:  My wife doesn't much care about politics or current events. She has little interest in watching the news or discussing social trends.  When my close friends first met her, this came across as shallow and slightly conceited, since we love to talk about those things.  Moreover her overall appearance, her general &amp;quot;niceness&amp;quot;, and certain cute mannerisms, make some people judge her as having little intellectual depth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, I knew her differently, and knew that she could and would talk about all kinds of things that interested her, in great detail and depth.  Over time, my friends and family have come to know her as well, and come to love her for &lt;em&gt;who she is&lt;/em&gt; and not &lt;em&gt;who they expect her to be&lt;/em&gt;.  In return, my wife opened up and started to express more of an interest in the things my friends value -- although she still rarely reads the news, she cares about what's happening in the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are all kinds of reasons to get married.  Some of us want a partner who reinforces who we are.  Some of us want a partner who, instead, forces us to be someone else.  You can't really know unless you are the two people involved -- and because that's impossible, it's unwise to jump to quick conclusions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T06:51:54.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17075" CreationDate="2018-07-30T01:24:41.027" Score="64" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not in your place to say this, when they're in love.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is ultimately his business, not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Here's why you shouldn't tell him to not marry her:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could see if she were posing a real threat to him, in the form of a scam, or cheating on him, for example, that would justify you stepping in to help, but you have no evidence that such a thing is occurring.  Your only qualm seems to be that she is soft-spoken and terse with her replies to you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you did tell him not to marry her, for only the reason that she is terse in conversations, then you risk sabotaging their relationship for trivial reasons, as well as potentially ruining your own friendships with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please back off and do not meddle with their great relationship.  Not everyone has an opportunity to find their life partner, so when your brother-in-law has found that person, you should support his decision to get married, or at the very least, stay neutral with your wording.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20357" LastEditorUserId="20357" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T02:10:10.817" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T02:10:10.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16953" CreationDate="2018-07-30T01:42:11.373" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In &gt;90% of the cases, it's probably a friendly way to let you know they're open to questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, on (hopefully rare) occasions, it can also carry the subtext that &lt;em&gt;&quot;if you don't reply, I won't accept your lack of understanding of my email as an excuse&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now obviously a random stranger who isn't socially clueless wouldn't mean it this way, but if it's someone who has some kind of power over you, or whom you have otherwise given reason to believe that you may not respond if the instructions aren't 100% crystal clear, then there's a chance that this may be the intended subtext. You have to just use your common sense and look at the surrounding context to detect if this might be what's going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2033" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T01:42:11.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17073" CreationDate="2018-07-30T02:10:26.480" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Take a step back and evaluate your reasons for continuing the relationship with your friend.  If you are hoping that she will someday change her mind and agree to be romantic with you, well ... sorry, but that rarely happens.  More often than not, following someone who doesn't feel that way about you makes you look creepy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give it up, move on, find someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming there's a real friendship there: As all this talk of &quot;ghosting&quot; shows, I'm guessing you are quite young and perhaps uncomfortable expressing your honest feelings -- &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt;, even if you were, others in your age group (like your friend and her friends) would likely be uncomfortable receiving your honest feelings.  It's much easier to pretend to hide, and avoid the situation entirely than to tell someone directly that you don't want to spend time with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I should be fair.   People &quot;ghost&quot; others at any age, for all kinds of reasons.  It's not exclusively a young person's behavior -- although the older you get, the more subtle your avoidance, and the better your excuses for it.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, if this girl really wants to be friends with you, it wouldn't matter what her own friends do.  She'd make the effort to keep in contact with you, and tell you (one way or another) that she likes being with you. And you could do the same with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this other talk about who &quot;ghosted&quot; who ... I'm sorry, but that's just childish, not to mention irrelevant.  Focus on the positives of your friendship with this one person, and disregard anything anyone else might say behind your back.  Eventually, either your maturity will settle things down to where you can have an honest conversation with anyone involved, or you'll decide you've had enough of these games and pull the plug.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T02:17:49.347" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T02:17:49.347" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17072" CreationDate="2018-07-30T02:35:28.023" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest doing a Skype conference call, if you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, it's both a phone call and a meeting where you can see each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't, then proceed with the scheduled phone call and here's what I would recommend: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start the conversation by thanking your manager for their time, and immediately proceed to tell them of your plans to resign your position.  I think this works best, since if you wait until after a long, exhausting catch-up phone call about work and future projects, then you risk making your manager feel lead on, or you risk making them feel that they wasted their time on the phone call.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honesty is the best policy here - do tell your manager sooner rather than later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20357" LastEditorUserId="20357" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T02:46:10.153" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T02:46:10.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17072" CreationDate="2018-07-30T02:36:09.027" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Mary.  I'm glad you made time to take this call with me.  Before we get started, I am sorry but I wanted to let you know that I've accepted an offer with another company, and that August 10th will be my last day of work here.  I've really enjoyed working with you and I wanted to tell you this directly, before I sent in my official resignation letter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be clear and firm, by explicitly stating your last day on the job.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Express appreciation for the opportunity (even if you didn't enjoy the job)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep it short and simple.  Don't give details or excuses. State what your are planning to do in general terms, and leave it at that.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sticking to these points helps avoid an extended discussion which can touch on uncomfortable subjects, such as specific problems you have with this company, or with this person's managerial style.  You should not feel you have to &lt;em&gt;justify&lt;/em&gt; your choices in any way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you feel the company has serious problems, they're no longer &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; problems. Your goal is to leave behind sufficient goodwill so that if any future employer calls for a recommendation, the company won't feel the need to add anything negative.  I've heard that &lt;em&gt;actual&lt;/em&gt; negative comments from past employers are uncommon (because of the potential liability) but you never know what seemingly innocuous understatement might endanger your employment prospects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your manager does want to talk about specific reasons why you are quitting, it's entirely your choice if and how you want to answer.  If you don't feel like going into detail, then a simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just feel it better suits my needs&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is completely fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T15:15:39.410" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T15:15:39.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17082" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17086" CreationDate="2018-07-30T03:24:49.317" Score="22" ViewCount="5114" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently watched a YouTube video of a person who was handing out free food to random people - donuts, iced coffees, etc. - and so, inspired by this, I bought an ice cream bar last night for a homeless man who usually sleeps at the church near our home.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to do this again but I'm concerned that my approach could be strange or even condescending, as I've heard that sometimes people, whether homeless or not, do not like to be offered free things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, the food that I am looking to give out is not leftover food - it would be fresh food, bought from, say, a donut shop, or a coffee shop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I give out free food to people as a kind gesture but in a way that minimizes the risk of being rude or condescending?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference: West Coast city, United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20357" LastEditorUserId="20357" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T03:50:25.810" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T15:53:03.280" Title="Offering free food to random people as a kind gesture, without being condescending or strange" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17075" CreationDate="2018-07-30T07:36:19.337" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd say, have a talk with your relative and be honest. He might get defensive, but he might already have seen the problems you're seeing too, he's just not wanted to think about it too much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try using leading questions. Instead of saying &quot;I think this, this and this is bad about your partner&quot;, ask &quot;What is it that you like about her?&quot;. Let him talk and try to understand the good qualities he sees. Then you can gently discuss the doubts you have, i.e. &quot;Hey man, I'd never want to offend your partner, but.. I've had a hard time to get any sort of real conversation going with her. But maybe she just doesn't like me? What do you think?&quot; He will probably start defending her and show examples/convince you that she is indeed intelligent/deep/it's just a language issue. But he might also admit that he's been sensing some of the things you're saying, and you saying it might be valuable confirmation for him. When in love, it's very easy to ignore any negative or just rational thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's impossible to say how everything might go, because people are so different. But advise him to wait at least one more year before marrying. Remind him that it's a very big step, and even if it &quot;feels&quot; right, one just can't know a person well enough after such a short time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3934" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T07:36:19.337" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17082" CreationDate="2018-07-30T07:47:56.007" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm regularly offering food to the homeless people I meet in the streets of my city. Experience taught me that it's not such a good idea to buy the food first and then offer it, since it'd be something that the receiver doesn't enjoy consuming / is allergic to / ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid this situation, I usually come to see them first and tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi. I have no cash in my purse but I'd really like to offer you something to drink/eat. What can I buy that you would enjoy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;I have no cash&quot; part is unavoidable &lt;em&gt;in my case&lt;/em&gt; because I come from a country where cash is not that common anymore and so I rarely have some in my wallet and buy everything with my card. But I realized with time that this disclaiming &lt;strong&gt;sometimes make them more comfortable&lt;/strong&gt; of the idea of receiving food.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The remaining part of the sentence indicates &lt;strong&gt;your will to please&lt;/strong&gt; and they will be more inclined to ask for something they like. This is important because you do not want to look arrogant and if you let them the opportunity to choose what you'll offer, you'll help them the most.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to know that you may encounter a &quot;picky&quot; person sometimes. I offered to buy food to the homeless people in front of a grocery store last year, and they asked me for expensive, raw food (e.g. chopped steak, pork ribs, sausages). I was short on money and couldn't afford to buy them a reasonable quantity of meat, which is quite expensive in my country. You need to know you may find yourself in similar situations oftentimes. However, there are different things you can do to defuse them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you're offering to buy food, you can give examples of what you can buy them (maybe based on what is sold around):&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there something you would like to drink/eat? Hot coffee, orange juice, banana, cookies?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not only it can reduce a bit the shame the receiving person could feel to ask you for food, but also could orientate their choice toward one of the foods you've mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In the case they ask you for expensive food / food that does not meet your religious and ethical beliefs, you can be straight-forward and tell them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, this is not something I can buy. Perhaps this [similar food] would please you too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not obliged to disclaim the reason why you don't want/can't buy it, but there's nothing wrong to do it either. Keeping it for yourself could spare you a debate but also make you look arrogant. It depends on what is most important to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last thing I want to tell you is that if you're willing to, oftentimes the nicest thing you can do to help them is not only buy them some food but discuss a bit with them. They will really enjoy to spend some time with you, ask you about your job, the reason you're in town today. There's so many people who don't even greet them and pretend they're not here, they will really appreciate the human contact and trust me, you'll also learn from it too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T07:47:56.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17087" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17075" CreationDate="2018-07-30T08:07:11.990" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;So based on two things you wrote about her that you &quot;couldn't find much of an intellectual depth&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;... every question that I have asked her she summarized it in a word or she was unable to articulate a convincing argument to anything.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;She doesn't even speak Spanish while she lived there for over a year (she was there 3 years ago).&quot;  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have definitely right to have your opinion on anything, but if you really have some power to change someones decision (the family cares about your opinion), you should be much more careful about what you say out loud.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Be honest, don't lie. But think twice if you have enough information before you say something &lt;em&gt;bad&lt;/em&gt; about someone, because people remember &lt;em&gt;bad&lt;/em&gt; things more and put them more weight.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you know something more about her? Not just that she is good looking and lovely person, but what are her hobbies and interests? Did you ever tried to talk about that with her? Was her answer also just one word?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There is also possibility that she just don't like you (or your questions) that much and that could be the reason why her answers are short. Last but not least, what is &quot;convincing argument&quot; is quite subjective.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Someone has talent to learn languages and someone doesn't. Or maybe she doesn't have time or reason to learn Spanish. She was there three years ago. Does she speak Spanish in the past and just forgot? Italian and Spanish are both pretty similar. That could be advantage for one and problem for someone else. Based on &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.spanishdict.com/answers/190089/what-are-the-differences-between-spanish-and-italian&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this page&lt;/a&gt; the similarity is estimated at 82%. But one of the answers also stated that: &quot;I can tell you my personal experience: Spanish people understand Italian much better than Italians do with Spanish&quot;. I know that you are also from Italy, but again - someone has talent to learn languages and someone doesn't...  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last point. Long distance relationships are not easy and it is test for relationship. If they were able to maintain one for a year and now they are together in one flat for more than a month and they are still full of love, than it is great achievement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19992" LastEditorUserId="19992" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T08:20:01.010" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T08:20:01.010" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17089" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17094" CreationDate="2018-07-30T08:26:13.150" Score="13" ViewCount="6638" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an engineer, but I like to do more than that. I have some hobbies that also bring some extra cash.&#xA;My wife, on the other hand, she doesn't work right now. She is looking for a job, but unsuccessfully so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few weeks ago, while reading some information about one of my hobbies, she read as well and then she asked if I could teach her that. I've explained some things about it to her and then I've asked her if she likes it, because there is no point in doing something if you don't like it. She said that she loves it. I again said that there are plenty of things to read as it is a vast field, and you need to spend much time in order to learn something that could turn profitable later. She said she'll do it. Time passed, she read a bit but it's not even 1% as she should've, considering she wants to make money. I've told her that she really needs to be more disciplined, to read more, practice more and focus more. Every time she said that she'll do it, but... not now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, I've told her that in this way, she'll never learn it. Obviously, she got mad at me. I've tried to explain that it's not that I'm not supportive, I am, but she really needs to spend more time to learn and practice these things as they are really difficult. I also helped her and explained every time she asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;How can I motivate her to study a field more that she said she likes and would like to try?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: I accept tag suggestions, since I don't even know where to put the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: Does she have trouble understanding the subject on a (to her) satisfactory level?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: There isn't something too difficult that she could not understand. And she hasn't shown signs so far. When she didn't understand something, she asked. I've explained and she moved forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Q: Are you confident your wife genuinely wants to pursue the hobby with the same zeal as you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A: Yes, I haven't forced her, as &lt;strong&gt;she&lt;/strong&gt; had the initiative. I only explained that if she wants to be a pro, she needs to spend more time learning, otherwise it's a waste of time, since she won't know enough. We had a serious talk on this matter, and she said &amp;quot;Yes, I'll do it!&amp;quot; a few times already. Those were the moments when I've told her that she needs to study more in order to get there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13034" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T02:26:43.007" Title="How do I motivate my partner to study a certain field?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;explaining&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17090" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17089" CreationDate="2018-07-30T08:59:08.717" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you have mentioned, learning needs discipline, efforts and most importantly motivation. At some point of life, people tend to lose it for whatever reason; happily settled, content with the present status of life or anything else. Most of the times, motivation factors are different for different persons. And we, personally cannot motivate them. It has to come from them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your wife's case, she is eager but not motivated enough. Give her sometime. Let her feel the need to get motivated. And then you can proceed. Else, be prepared that she might never take up that thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if possible, to increase one's motivation, introduce them to section of people who are successful in that field. Regular interaction with them or even a glimpse of their achievements could encourage her to be more serious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T08:59:08.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17092" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17089" CreationDate="2018-07-30T09:26:20.510" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what I understand, I think I have been in situations similar to your wife's. There were topics I found immensely interesting, yet still didn't have the discipline to invest serious amounts of time and effort into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem in my case essentially boiled down to this&lt;/strong&gt;: Looking at the topic to learn as a whole gives the impression of a huge pile of work, and can be discouraging. For me, this led to procrastination, which in turn led to either extremely stressful last-minute learning (if the learning was mandatory) or complete abandonment of the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, being a perfectionist, I would be dissatisfied if my understanding of the topic was not as good as (I thought) it could be, which led to frustration and, again, procrastination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What helped me&lt;/strong&gt;: Setting short-term goals. Since the hobby in question is also your hobby (you having penetrated way deeper into it), this may be something were you can help your wife by agreeing with her (the 'agreeing with her' is important of course) on relatively easy-to-achieve short-term goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, when learning a new programming language, I didn't set my goal to writing a complete program. Instead, I made a list of some basic stuff I first wanted to learn and understand, then broke down the program I wanted into small bits and essentially developed little POCs for each single program part, and only in the end pieced it all together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additionally&lt;/strong&gt;, finding ways to apply the newly learned knowledge can help to validate the progress made as well as demonstrate that the achieved level of understanding is indeed sufficient for solving some problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Important addendum&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is of course another possible source of this perceived lack of disicpline: Maybe your wife just isn't as interested in the topic as she said she were.&#xA;I have witnessed people &quot;love&quot; their significant other's hobby just for the sake of their significant other, in order to have something to share with them, not out of genuine interest for the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, you may want to have a talk to your wife and make sure that her interest in the hobby is genuine. If it isn't genuine, you might as well spare both of you the trouble of trying to motivate her for something she isn't really interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17002" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2018-07-31T02:26:43.007" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T02:26:43.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17089" CreationDate="2018-07-30T10:51:17.800" Score="20" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I motivate my partner to study a certain field?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Motivation has a tricky psychology to it. It's sometimes easy to kill it even with the best intentions. You have to separate between internal and external motivation. Internal motivation is your own interest in a subject. External are factors like getting paid for it, getting respect for it, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Throughout human history the highest motivational achievements were made through internal motivation. It is the stronger force. The problem is, as it is internal, you can't create it externally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you start to apply factors of external motivation, such as creating pressure or rewards, you can actually replace part of the internal motivation by external one. You take out the fun part, so to speak, and make it into a profession, a duty ... a nuisance?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to help, without choking motivation, is to only assist where asked to. Let the learner progress at their own pace. Resist the urge to lecture even if you know better - some things one has to discover oneself. Only help when asked to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember when you as the expert come around, after she had some initial successes, and tell her that she didn´t reach even 1% and is altogether insufficient, how disempowering that must feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sxpKhIbr0E&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here is a good Ted-talk about it&lt;/a&gt; - The drum-lessons are actually a good analogy for your case.&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation#t-283703&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;And one little bit more substantial&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my suggestion is that you take a step back and let her find her own way. Let her figure out what she really wants and how to achieve it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That does not mean you have to put up with her doing nothing. If you feel she is not contributing enough, that's a different conversation. But let her decide how - she can always find a job in a kitchen or scrubbing floors, and I guess she'll find her own motivation quickly if she discovers those are currently her options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T17:08:07.357" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T17:08:07.357" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17095" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17112" CreationDate="2018-07-30T12:28:35.943" Score="59" ViewCount="9085" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt; This question takes place in the workplace, but I think (for reasons outlined below) that it is a better fit here than workplace.stackexchange.  I'll happily close and move though if that seems like the thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently hired someone who has a problem with arrogance.  I was pretty sure that was going to be the case when I hired him, but it is hard to find talented people so I hired him anyway.  All things considered though, his arrogance is not as bad as I thought it could be.  It gets irritating, and causes minor problems occasionally (mainly for me since I am both the person he works closest with and he’s my direct report) but it isn't at the level where he is at risk of losing his job over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not too long after I hired him I remember telling the owner of the company &amp;quot;He's a smart guy - the only question is whether he's smart enough to realize he's not the only smart person here&amp;quot;.  The answer to that seems to be no - he's not quite smart enough to realize he's surrounded by other smart people.  It sometimes seems that he treats the workplace as a contest to be the smartest person in the room, and I would obviously prefer less competition with those of us who see him every day and more focus on the job around us.  Just because, here are two examples of recent interactions that stick out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Examples&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Example 1&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had asked him twice about implementing feature X on the front-end.  His answer each time was &amp;quot;First you'll have to implement Y on the back-end&amp;quot; (I do both front-and back-end work).  I knew this wasn't true but this was never a high priority, so let it drop.  Finally it became a high priority so I brought it up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;quot;It's time to implement X on the front-end&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;quot;You'll have to implement Y on the back-end&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;quot;We've talked about this before, nothing has to change on the back-end.  I can send you examples.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;quot;Then please do because everything I've read says you have to make changes on the server&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; (a few seconds of googling): &amp;quot;Here's a link to stack overflow that shows how you do it on the front-end and here's an example in our code base where I'm already doing it on the front-end&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; &amp;quot;Oh, then you must have already done Y on the back-end&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Example 2:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a meeting with the entire team he threw out some technical jargon and then paused and said &amp;quot;Although I'm probably the only one in this room who knows what that means.&amp;quot;.  I was insulted enough for the whole team to jump in and went ahead and defined it for him, to which he responded: &amp;quot;I'm surprised you knew what that means&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My goals&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't expect to just &amp;quot;confront&amp;quot; him and see a different person the next day.  He's not fresh out of college (about 30) and has probably been like this a long time.  Therefore, I don't expect to see large changes quickly.  However I would like to figure out how to touch on his behavior, if at all possible in a largely non-confrontational way.  Partly because I'm not very good at being confrontational and partly because (as above) I don't expect to be able to sit down and &amp;quot;talk to him&amp;quot; and have any result other than being ignored.  However, those are just my expectations, and I'm happy to hear answers that take a different tact.  In essence: &lt;strong&gt;What are ways to help someone see life is not a contest to be the smartest person in the room?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;--Update--&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to give credit where credit is due.  He brought up my example #1 in front of the entire team today and said that he had looked into it and was mistaken.  He corrected himself in front of the entire team.  I told him not to worry about it because I make mistakes like that all the time too (really, who doesn't) and then we moved on.  Being able to admit that he's wrong is certainly a point in his favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20183" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T20:42:01.067" Title="Addressing arrogant attitude from a coworker as a teamleader" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17089" CreationDate="2018-07-30T13:43:33.000" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One important factor in motivation is immersion in a topic. Having more hobbies and side projects than I can realistically find time for, I've noticed that I tend to gravitate towards those activities that I get exposed to more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, reading about a specific topic on SE or talking about it with a friend (or my wife) usually generates a lot of motivation to continue work on a related project, and if it's something I'm sufficiently familiar with, tends to give me new ideas and approaches to try. Implementing those leads to progress on the project, which not only feels gratifying on its own, but might often spawn further discussion and involvement in the hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feedback loops like this are also what keeps a lot of people deeply involved in things like social media, online games or even, say, following a specific show on TV. The key difference, however, is that entertainment media is designed to be easily accessible, with an almost immediate payoff, whereas more practical hobbies tend to require a larger investment in time and effort before they become gratifying. The more difficult or arcane a skill is, the harder it might be to pass that initial hurdle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without knowing much about your wife or the field in question, I'd recommend that you try and create an environment that makes it easier for her to get more casually involved in the field. This might be as trivial as printing out some reference sheets and hanging them on a wall next to a whiteboard (this worked well for my brother and myself) or starting a small project with some short-term deliverables that you can work on together and discuss in your free time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the question, it appears that you check on her progress from time to time, and take the time to explain things when she has questions, which is good, but beyond that she might need peers, or an audience, or a hands-on project to interact with regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that I used to do as a teenager was to take a walk with a friend or family member (e.g. walking the dog or getting groceries) and just talk about our hobbies, even though most of the time we didn't share or even properly understand each other's fields of interest. Just listening to someone who's passionate about a topic has taught me more than sitting in front of a textbook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7365" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T13:43:33.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17095" CreationDate="2018-07-30T13:44:14.027" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all - the main problem with such arrogant person is that they may not want to learn. Be it learning new things needed for work or how to act around other people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is saying: &quot;If you feel the smartest person in the room, leave the room&quot;. If somebody look for place where they are the smartest, for me, it means they looking for a praise, not work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your example 1 could you ask him to check if Y is implemented? How to check it? Implement X. If it's not working they he can get back to you that it's not possible. &lt;strong&gt;BUT he need to do that.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Force him to answer to you with results rather than assumptions. Make him to challenge himself, that way you will avoid conflict. You will save time and nerves not making those petty emails and won't be the bad guy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the second example. I've had exactly the same situation with exactly the same outcome &quot;I'm surprised you knew what that means&quot;. My response was &quot;Don't assume you're the only one who read a book that sold in millions of copies&quot;. The situation was recurring so I started betting with him using Fibonacci number. Around fifth bet he lost he started to get the fact that he may not be always right. When he said something and I started to take out my wallet he knew he should fall back and say &quot;I will check that and be back&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T13:59:43.180" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T13:59:43.180" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17100" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-30T13:54:54.117" Score="3" ViewCount="809" Body="&lt;p&gt;In what has become an extension to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/16716/neighbor-unhappy-with-the-fact-i-asked-his-kids-to-return-our-toys&quot;&gt;Neighbor unhappy with the fact I asked his kids to return our toys&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife has just called me in tears because two of my neighbours felt it appropriate to yell at her because we ('you and your husband') 'tell their kids off'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if we were in fact telling them off for a range of things unrelated to us I would understand at least the displeasure, if not the uncivil nature of its communication. However these are the incidents they are referring to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/16716/neighbor-unhappy-with-the-fact-i-asked-his-kids-to-return-our-toys&quot;&gt;Neighbor unhappy with the fact I asked his kids to return our toys&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Child kicked ball into my kids head, apologised and we said &quot;it's ok, just keep an eye out next time&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking them not to let themselves into our porch / cupboard / garden&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this specific case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Child pointed a Nerf gun at our 2yr old daughters face (after shooting someone else who wasn't playing) and my Wife said &quot;shes not playing, its not nice to shoot people who aren't playing&quot;, at which point they shot my wife in the face instead and my wife went to the parents and told them what had happened.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife was then treated to 2 grown females shouting at her saying &quot;Don't tell our kids off, if you have a problem with our kids, come to us&quot;, which I'm pretty sure is largely what we have done. Now one of those neighbours is the first neighbours friend, but up until this point, we thought had no problem, and ironically tells the other neighbours kids off all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly at this point I feel the only recourse is to move but I feel thoroughly disheartened to be effectively bullied out of my home. My wife doesn't want me to speak to them in case it escalates further, but I don't feel I can simply leave things be. Surely not addressing it is worse? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What actions would people recommend for disputes with neighbours like this? It has an element of walking on eggshells, as I don't want it to turn into &quot;you should parent like this&quot;. Like this questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/7185/how-can-we-ask-neighbours-to-be-more-quiet-without-escalating?rq=1&quot;&gt;How can we ask neighbours to be more quiet without escalating?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately I want to address the tension between us in the most sensible way that wont lead to violence (I will probably repeat the tactic from the previous answer linked to). But I also would like to get a feel of options beyond that, I'm thinking some of the options in &lt;a href=&quot;https://rentberry.com/blog/bad-neighbors&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; are possible, but I'm not sure where to start....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3803" LastEditorUserId="3803" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T15:39:11.173" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T15:39:11.173" Title="Neighbours yelled at my wife for &quot;telling their kids off&quot;" Tags="&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;parenting&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-07-30T18:50:23.363" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17101" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17110" CreationDate="2018-07-30T14:21:32.077" Score="30" ViewCount="13212" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My long-term partner and I (mid-thirties) have apartments in different cities due to work reasons, we see each other on the weekends, always taking turns whose apartment we are staying in. While we generally enjoy each others company, there is something that is increasingly grating on my nerves when in &quot;my&quot; place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;SHE NEVER CLEANS UP!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, we both love good food and I happen to be a reasonably good cook. I also enjoy making her happy by offering new and exciting food. Her enjoyment of the meal is my main motivation to cook for her. We both eat our meal together, enjoy a glass of wine and chat. Food plays a major role in our relationship. However, cooking involves lots of effort and dirty dishes and I would like her to at least get involved when the time to clean up has come. That doesn't happen though. Over the course of a few years, at least I got her to carry her dishes back onto the kitchen counter, but it's still hit and miss for her to place those plates in the dish washer, let alone clean the pots. While I tend to enjoy offering her good food, I am starting to feel more like a restaurant than a partner (and she doesn't tip well!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example that happened this morning: for the umpteenth time, she did not replace the toilet paper roll on its hanger*, instead just placing a new roll somewhere and leaving the empty cardboard roll for me to remove and throw away. I have asked her many times to just replace the toilet paper and be done with it, but it seems this simple action is too much to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or she will leave a q-tip just lying around on the sink because she forgot to put it into the trash under the sink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When at her place, we eat out more often, leaving less dishes to be cleaned. While it is true that I don't usually clean her apartment, at least I do the basic stuff like putting dishes into the dishwasher or changing the toilet paper roll. I am really not extremely into cleanliness, I just feel like she could bear more of the common burden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I have tried&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have let everything stand around to motivate her to clean up herself. This just ends up with dirty dishes stacked in my apartment and her leaving for work (I have too many dishes obviously). By the next time it's her turn to come, I will have cleaned up because I can't bear the stench.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have practically ordered her to clean up. This usually ends in fights, her reminding me of the one time I didn't clean up at her place two years ago and nothing gets done.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Put up ultimatums, like I won't cook if she doesn't do the dishes afterwards. This does not work because I tend to get hungry as well. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She grew up in a single-parent household and was not materially well-off. I assume her parent compensated for that by cleaning up after her all time, so she never learned it herself. Also, I assume she just tends to forget things after using them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am looking for methods to get her to join more in household duties, especially when cooking - ideally without having to force her. Alternatively, I would also take methods for me to get less angry about the skewed workload. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&lt;sub&gt;I agree this example is extremely banal, but that's the kind of stuff that ruins marriages!&lt;/sub&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8873" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-07-18T17:27:30.123" LastActivityDate="2019-07-19T05:43:32.057" Title="Household chores in long distance relationship" Tags="&lt;chores&gt;&lt;long-distance&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17072" CreationDate="2018-07-30T14:27:04.200" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even though you already have an arranged call, I would suggest setting up an additional, earlier call specifically to discuss your resignation.  In setting up you don't have to say exactly what it's about, other than it's an important work-related issue that you need to discuss before having any other discussions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The times that I've resigned to move on that's what I've done.  I think it's a good way to go because it gives your boss a heads up that something significant is going on, so they aren't completely blindsided.  It makes it clear to your manager that you are running the call on a specific topic, so they don't come in thinking about the next few projects to work on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also lets you think about and structure the meeting so you can lay it out the way you want to, and not feel like you are interrupting or overriding your boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there isn't time before the scheduled call for an additional call, I'd suggest emailing your boss to let him know there's an important topic that you need to discuss at the start of the call.  Again, this let's him know something is going on, he isn't blindsided, and let's you start off the discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T15:16:45.240" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T15:16:45.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17095" CreationDate="2018-07-30T15:17:15.337" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;The points are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you hired him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you're the leader.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;your boss knows about his attitude and supports you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;coworker is arrogant / &quot;too smart - smarter than everyone one else&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a case like this, I would definately not try and do something that's not professional. Acting like a professional, in a professional environment, with professional settings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that situation I've always treated people in a very neutral way. It's really important that you don't argue with them, especially publicly, and, also, &quot;don't feed the troll&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Let people know what your decisions are, never your reasons. The former may be good, the latter will most certainly be bad.” &lt;strong&gt;Margaret Murray&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; kindergarden. This is business. As a manager, you don't have to explain everything and justify every decision. You buy some time from talented persons to perform a job. Give them duties, schedule, tools, a nice and professional environment, help them if/when needed, but don't argue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a meeting, I would assign duties and ask for clarification and questions. One at a time. Make sure his name is in the middle of the list. Never first, never last. If he interrupts you, be nice, but be firm. Remind him that you must follow the planning. If he has too many questions or start to argue, cut short, don't let him bother the team. &lt;em&gt;You act like a leader and protect your guys.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him you'll be glad to answer his other questions later, at your desk, or by mail. You don't have to prove that your team has talented people, or that you're smarter than him. You're the leader. Be wise, be nice, but be firm. Show strength. If needed, remind him 1-on-1 in your office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing personal, it's just business. It has rules, he needs to learn them, respect them, and follow them. Here, the IP skills needed are nothing more than calm and patience. The following quote can be read as &quot;hit the guy&quot;, but it's not, it's just to show how determined you are to make your point in a professional manner, without arguing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anytime he starts fooling around or tricking your system, go back to point #1. You say, you cut short, you expect results. You don't hold the door to arguments open to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time with a tremendous whack.” &lt;strong&gt;W. Churchill&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. roughly translated, if anybody has a better quote/version, please edit, thanks.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T18:13:24.080" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T18:13:24.080" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17101" CreationDate="2018-07-30T16:42:39.857" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Actually I think much of your situation is ancillary detail.  You'd likely have the same issues if you lived together full time.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're still talking about two common issues in relationships:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to reconcile different systems of values&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to peaceably negotiate mutually acceptable resolutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recognize that you and your partner have different priorities when it comes to housekeeping. You like a clean house; she's more indifferent and cleans when the level of mess passes a certain threshold.  Neither of you is &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt;.  Both are equally acceptable ways to live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learn to let go of your preconceptions about how things &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be.  Would it really be so bad if you just left the dishes lying around until the next day, or even until you had no more clean dishes?  At what point would it become equally intolerable to you both?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, consider whether this focus on cleanliness is simply a mask for some deeper values conflict.  Suppose you had a robot servant who constantly cleaned for you.  Would everything be peachy?  Or would you still find things to get upset about?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either let go of this need to &lt;em&gt;find fault&lt;/em&gt;, or figure out the deeper issue that needs to be openly discussed.  Professionals often say that relationship conflicts fundamentally come down to either sex or money, and whether you feel you have enough of each, or the power games you play to control access.  If one (or both) of these is a problem, talk about that, instead of the peripheral distractions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Resolving these things is how millions of marriage counselors keep the lights on, so it's difficult to come up with short, simple solutions.  Every relationship has its own quirks. In the end, though, most of these come down to give-and-take negotiations -- what each is willing to offer to ensure the partner's peace of mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you've found, ultimatums and other forms of &lt;em&gt;coercion&lt;/em&gt; often have the opposite effect.  When it comes to families, all most of us know about conflict resolution is how we were treated by our parents.  The default setting is to make demands, and back those up with some kind of threat, just as was done to us when we were young.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you try this with an &lt;em&gt;equal partner&lt;/em&gt;, you only create a power imbalance that generally leads to resentment and consequence.  Again, give up all expectation of right and wrong, even in &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; own home.  Approach it instead as a negotiation.  Some possible steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain how the situation makes &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel, and why it's important to you.  This helps give your partner context to understand how her actions impact your emotional well-being.  Your goal is to get her to put value on cleaning up, not for the reasons you value it, but because it's important to your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she continues to not care as much about cleanliness as you do, consider making that &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; job, in return for her doing something you don't want to do.  Come to a mutual agreement, even write down the terms and post it on the refrigerator, so you both know and accept these division of responsibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If need be you can impose a fun and mutually agreed-on &quot;penalty&quot; for non-compliance, like each time putting some money in a box toward &quot;date night&quot;.  Be careful that this stays light-hearted, though, and doesn't turn into a series of accusations.  Furthermore, be lenient when work or personal issues get in the way.  It's a &lt;em&gt;game&lt;/em&gt;, not a &lt;em&gt;contract&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that, in the end, this is more about &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; and what you can learn from the relationship, than what the other person is &lt;em&gt;supposed&lt;/em&gt; to offer you.  There's no external reason you couldn't shift your perspective to where you find joy in cleaning up after your partner, because it's nice to have someone to take care of.  I'm not saying you have to do this, but it is a good idea to ask yourself what &lt;em&gt;internal&lt;/em&gt; preconceptions and expectations exist that stop you from feeling this way.  Perhaps those things are also holding you back in other parts of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T16:42:39.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17101" CreationDate="2018-07-30T16:45:48.053" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem isn't that she's not cleaning...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real problem here is that you don't like the work you have to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your partner doesn't realize how big a problem this is for you. As such, I'd opt for a straightforward conversation as a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to talk about it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a time you're both calm (maybe when you're at her place) and tell her about the situation from your perspective, emphasizing that this is how you feel. Don't talk about how unfair it is or how she should be putting in more work, simply tell her that given the way things are, you don't like doing all of the cleanup when she comes over since there's more cleanup to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I feel&quot; statements will help prevent this from turning into a full confrontation--which it shouldn't be. The problem here isn't that she's not cleaning up, it's the way you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, the solution might not be for her to clean more. Maybe it's for you to spend a bigger ratio of the time together at her place. Or maybe it's to eat out more when she comes over. But the key here is to find some balance where you're okay with the amount of work you need to do. And the way I recommend finding that balance is by opening up to your partner and letting them know how you feel about the current situation and then trying to work toward a solution together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An aside about your first solution&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like part of the problem here is that your first solution was to use passive aggressive behavior (letting &quot;everything stand around to motivate her to clean up herself.&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, trying to solve problems where I'm upset in the relationship with passive aggressive means usually only aggravates the actual problem and makes it harder to solve in the end. It looks like the same has happened to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your partner has become used to the relationship working a certain way when you're at your place and now when you try to be direct, you have a shorter temper since you feel you've been wronged this whole time (though they have no way of knowing how bad since you only tried to communicate passive aggressively) and you're getting pushed back from your partner since they're now used to the way things work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, I'd highly suggest being direct and speaking up about things that bother you in the relationship. Good communication is key and while being passive aggressive can be easier and feel better in the moment, taking the time to put your thoughts and feelings into words and try to come to an understanding with your partner will almost always lead to a healthier and better long term solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T17:12:08.303" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T17:12:08.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17101" CreationDate="2018-07-30T16:55:51.157" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As far as cooking, my fiance and I have evolved a pretty simple system: one person cooks, the other person cleans up.  Sometimes we cook together but even then it's pretty clear who did the lion's share of the work.  It works out really nicely because whoever is a little tired from work and cooking sits back and reads or whatever while the other person cleans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This system between myself and my fiance happened without verbal communication.  You would have to be more explicit and ask your girlfriend if she is willing to have one person cook, and the person who doesn't cook clean up.  You might saying something like &quot;I'd like to balance out the chores.  How about when we eat in, one of us cooks, and whoever doesn't cook cleans up?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This system has the advantage that it gets rid of all ambiguity.  The OP and his girlfriend no longer have different expectations about who is going to do what.  It's crystal clear.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as other stuff like toilet paper rolls: some things you just have to ask yourself if it's worth getting stressed about.  Sometimes I'll find a load of wet laundry in the washer where my fiance started a load and got busy and never dried it.  I move it to the dryer.  It's ok.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T17:51:18.823" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T17:51:18.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17095" CreationDate="2018-07-30T17:13:54.487" Score="63" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a &quot;recovered arrogant person,&quot; I may be able to weigh in with a bit of experience. It's in my nature to be a hopeless prima donna, and I am happy to say that I have learned -- for the most part, now that I am old and wise -- to confine that tendency to places like karaoke bars and games. Here's my take on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arrogance comes from a fear of vulnerability, and being in denial about it. A person who is in denial about his fear of vulnerability tends to project and interact with his reality as if he were invulnerable, while everyone else pretty much sees him as he is. Without understanding that the person is motivated out of fear, and the compassion and sympathy that comes with that understanding, other people tend to feel attacked by his defensive measures. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who are afraid of being hurt by other people tend to first see intrinsic value in something that they perceive themselves to &quot;have more of&quot; or &quot;be better at&quot; than other people, and then make sure that nobody can threaten their dominance in that area. Arrogant wealthy people have better stuff than other wealthy people. Arrogant athletes would never lose a contest if not for bad referees, minor injuries, bad weather or whatever. Arrogant chess players would win every game, if not for mistakes caused by the terrible playing conditions. Arrogant smart people are smarter than other people. And arrogant software developers (like me) are never wrong in their area of expertise, and make sure they prove it at every opportunity -- and they'll invent opportunities if they have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that you're dealing with this sort of person, and it's important to understand that he's motivated by fear and insecurity. Furthermore -- and this is a tough one for anybody -- it's important to understand that if you feel anger at instead of compassion for that fear and insecurity, you need to ask yourself what fears and insecurities of your own are motivating that anger, and see what you can do to put them aside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your discussions with this individual, you've got to try to reach him at an emotional level, even though he isn't at all comfortable sharing his feelings. (Who wants to admit that they're insecure, when they're in denial about it?) Rather than pulling him in to talk about the problem specifically, you might try injecting some things into your everyday conversations with him that will get him to think about his positions, and in so doing perhaps think about himself as well. Do what you can to be a &quot;relentless seeker of truth&quot; rather than a corrector of his bad behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, in your first example, you might ask him why he thinks that Y has to be done before X. He says he read that, so ask him to show you what he read, so you can read it too. If he can produce that, then you can also demonstrate to him that you've done X before Y, and ask him why your practical evidence seems to contradict what he has read in the book. If he's at all like me, he will eventually admit that he was wrong (if he can't show you why you are), adopt the new opinion as if he had never held the old one, and continue on as before! But, he'll remember that you helped him learn something, and he's likely to become more open to learning more from you. Your compassion motivates him to trust you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your second example, I would simply ask him, in front of everyone, why he felt that way, and listen to what he has to say. He'll probably embarrass himself, but that will help him learn, too. You might then have a word with him in private and ask him why he seems to be underestimating the capabilities of his co-workers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to feel insulted for anyone on your team; that's just your own defensiveness, really. Feeling insulted gives him a false sense of power: &quot;sorry if you feel insulted by the truth, but I can't help it if nobody else can keep up&quot; sort of thing. The best way to deal with his illusions is to recognize them as illusions. (And you can tell the rest of the team the same thing, when they get offended.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep sticking up for him when other people get mad at him. If someone comes in to complain about his behavior, mention that he's motivated by a fear of being wrong, mention that we all have the same fear, and some of us deal with it in ways that are less public than others. Ask why his behavior matters. Try to get that person to have compassion as well. Of course, if there's a substantive problem where Mr. Arrogant is making a work-related decision that is negatively impacting Mr./Ms. Complainant's quality of work, then you'll have to get directly involved and tell Mr. Arrogant that he's going to have to do whatever it is &quot;this way&quot; instead of &quot;his way.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, at some point it's likely that his arrogance will directly and negatively impact the quality of his work. It's hard to solve problems when you think you already have all the answers! When he makes some sort of mistake that a more collaborative approach would probably have avoided, that's when it's time to correct him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pull him in for a chat. First, demonstrate his error, in a way that establishes it as incontrovertible fact. (Make sure you can do this!) Then, work to get him to see that his attitude is impacting his problem solving skills. Then, if you can, show him that he could do a better job if he understood the strengths of the other members of his team, and sought out their help when he needed it. Everyone has a contribution to make, and everyone on the team is better than him at something. (It would help to tell him what you think he's the best at, too, if you bring this up.) Finally, talk about his real strengths and why you value him, as well as his real weaknesses and what you think he needs to do to increase his value to the organization. Then, just bluntly tell him that his insecurities are holding him down, and keeping him from being the contributor that he really wants to be and that you know he can be. Offer to help him in any way you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't respond to that, then you have to weigh his impact on the rest of your team against the quality of his work, and decide whether or not to cut him loose. I hope it doesn't come to that, and good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20436" LastEditorUserId="20436" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T17:24:26.167" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T17:24:26.167" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17101" CreationDate="2018-07-30T17:17:01.530" Score="82" Body="&lt;p&gt;While in general there is a huge spectrum of how people feel about tidying and cleaning, I have noticed that people who live alone tend towards the ends of that spectrum. A q-tip or a dirty dish will have to be carried from where you see it to the garbage or the dishwasher eventually. Doing it now or doing it later is the same. If you see it and it bothers you, you take care of it then. If it doesn't bother you then who cares? You can use toilet paper from a roll stood on its end as long as you want, and eventually put it on the holder. On the other hand, if it bothers you the minute you see it, you had better tidy it up now because nobody else is going to. This leads to people who are right-this-minute tidiers about everything or it-can-wait tidiers about everything, rather than being more in the middle about things. That appears to be the case with the two of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing I've observed is that many people who live alone reuse things without washing them or putting them away, because they know the provenance - when a jar of something came out of the fridge, or what a knife was used to cut, or what was in a glass or mug. That, of course, doesn't work when you're not always the one who used the thing last.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what's really happening here is that you two are experimenting with merging your lifestyles, and with having another person to think about. It probably feels to you like you're the only one doing that, because you're cooking for her and cleaning for her and she's not returning that. But how much are you changing your ways? Aren't you just doing what you always did, but cooking more food or putting more dishes in the dishwasher? If her lifestyle includes being free to put things down and then use them again later, or at least deal with them later, doesn't asking her to put everything away immediately and deal with everything immediately constitute a bigger change?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a regular visitor who tidies up if I don't. It's kind of exhausting. I feel this pressure to make decisions about things that I would rather ignore, things I don't think are hurting anyone, right on the spot while my mind is full of something else. Now, perhaps your girlfriend should be willing to put in this work in order to live with you, whether for a weekend or forever. But you don't seem to even be aware it is work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend you ask her for some time to talk about housework. Try to come at it from the position of &quot;we have different styles of living&quot; not &quot;you need to do your share of the housework.&quot; Listen to what she tells you about her habits and her preferences, and how it makes her feel when you ask or expect her to do something faster than she would have done. The two of you will have to work this out. Perhaps you will end up tidying more than half, while she's still tidying a little more than she's comfortable. Perhaps you can't live together. But unless you know how she feels and why she does what she does, you can't work out a way forward together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T20:47:17.823" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T20:47:17.823" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17114" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17075" CreationDate="2018-07-30T18:18:03.787" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Relationships can be certainly be intellectually based. For example, two physicists might get together every day and talk about nothing but physics, and have absolutely no interest in any other part of each others' lives. But either one of those physicists could be happily married to someone with Down's Syndrome as well, or quite miserable married to another person as brilliant as himself or herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, our points of view diverge when you say that the intellectual capacity is something fundamental for a relationship. It isn't, in my opinion. For me, it is love, kindness, honesty, respect, trust and (emotional) communication. Those bring joy, which is what is fundamental to me in my relationships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Intelligent people are entirely capable of becoming fascinated with each others' intelligence, getting married on the basis of that fascination, and spending the rest of their lives making each other miserable. They often do!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A happy relationship has to be emotionally based. (Happiness is an emotion, after all, not an idea.) It may or may not be an intellectually based relationship as well. So, if you want your brother-in-law to be happy, then evaluate at the emotional side of their relationship. If you feel that intellectual compatibility is more important than happiness (and I'm not saying that it isn't, just that I think otherwise), then you might keep on as you are doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit to answer your edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are asking your opinion, and you think it's best to wait and get to know each other better, I would suggest that you say that. Very few marriages are negatively impacted by waiting too long to get into them. And plenty of marriages are gotten into too quickly and turn out to be a huge mistake. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I wouldn't talk about intellect, and how important it is, and I wouldn't even mention that you think her intellectual capacity is limited. Sometimes it's important and sometimes it isn't, and whether it is or isn't is not your decision. It's the couple's. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about it this way. Suppose your brother-in-law wanted to marry someone with brain damage, or in a wheelchair, or some such. Would you discourage him because the woman was &quot;damaged goods&quot;? If you did, he would probably lose respect for your insights, because if he's considering marrying her, he already knows what you're telling him and is considering it anyway. You would come across as shallow and insensitive, too. If you tell the family that you don't think she's all that bright, chances are pretty good that it will have something of the same effect. It seems unlikely that your brother-in-law doesn't know this, if it's in fact true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would focus on the positives, say that you would need more time to get to know her before you would feel comfortable sharing anything more than a superficial point of view, and suggest that there's never any harm in waiting a year or two, and plenty of harm in going in too quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20436" LastEditorUserId="20436" LastEditDate="2018-07-31T16:28:28.200" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T16:28:28.200" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17116" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6449" CreationDate="2018-07-30T19:10:00.930" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;To preserve your friendship and teamwork relationship, will take more than a polite no. If you can grab a cup of coffee with her and show her how much you value your relationship with her, without using the word friendship too much at first, because that really hurts, you may be able to navigate this with minimum damage. But it will take time. Seven month is not seven days. Were there signs that this was going on? Signs that you missed? I hope it works out. Keep us posted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12178" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T19:10:00.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17101" CreationDate="2018-07-30T20:14:37.827" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I met my wife when we were both in our late twenties.  While meeting someone &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; you've established a stable home life gives a lot of advantages, one of the disadvantages is it's harder work to learn to compromise domestically.  What you've been doing for years has worked for you - so it's tougher to learn to change eating/cleaning/laundry/etc habits than if you found someone in High School or College and are just starting out in the real world together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This applies to both of you.  She's lived the way she's lived for years - it obviously works for her (if it &lt;em&gt;didn't&lt;/em&gt;, she'd have changed before she met you.)  So you need to understand that what you're asking for is additional work for her that she &lt;em&gt;doesn't want&lt;/em&gt;.  Likewise, you need to understand that your natural instinct in the situation isn't to compromise, but to &lt;em&gt;figure out a way to fold her into the life you were living before&lt;/em&gt;.  And that's her instinct as well: to figure out a way of folding you into her life.  Compromise in that situation is tough, because neither person naturally wants to break their habits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be patient.&lt;/strong&gt;  Both of you are set in your patterns, and it's going to be harder to break out of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be understanding.&lt;/strong&gt;  Realize that you're asking a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; more than it seems at first glance: you're asking her to change habits for a gain that she &lt;em&gt;doesn't value&lt;/em&gt;.  If she did, she'd already be doing it, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be compromising.&lt;/strong&gt;  Every time an issue like this comes up, reassess your priorities.  You've got a belief that the dishes have to be done as soon as dinner is done.  Reevaluate it.  How important is that belief to you?  Figure out which beliefs are important to you, because some things you're just going to have to let slide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't keep score.&lt;/strong&gt;  You mentioned about being angry about a skewed workload.  Not, &quot;I feel overwhelmed with housework&quot;, or &quot;I don't have any freetime&quot; - but simply, &quot;I'm upset that I do more than her.&quot;  That's the surest way to get a relationship to fail: keeping track of who does how much like an accounting ledger.  Because I can &lt;em&gt;guarantee&lt;/em&gt; you, there are all sorts of things she does more of in the relationship (empathy, support, cheerfulness, smiles, physical affection, etc - it's doubtful you're giving more than her in every facet of things.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20443" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T20:14:37.827" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17082" CreationDate="2018-07-30T21:15:05.123" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've done this with nut bars while riding down a path that homeless tend to set up camp on/near.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just say &quot;We bought more of these than we can eat, would anyone like some&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've never had anyone say no, act insulted or ask for money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they can't eat nuts, they will give or trade it to someone who can, I'm sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2273" LastEditorUserId="2273" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T15:53:03.280" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T15:53:03.280" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17073" CreationDate="2018-07-30T21:15:45.333" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your description of &quot;ghosting&quot; reveals a problem: You take an instance of non-communication (what I think you call ghosting), and from it draw conclusions about the intentions and feelings of the other person (that is, as if it were communication).  In fact, you even point out that your friend thought you were &quot;ghosting&quot; her, when in fact you were just feeling shy.  There's obviously a feedback effect in play, where avoidance just compounds itself.  But here's the thing: none of you actually know how you stand with each other because you're all just guessing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The good news is that in principle the lack of communication is solvable by, well, communicating more.  Start by being charitable: that is, accept &quot;blame&quot; for the tense and uncertain relationship even if you don't feel that it's your fault, because it's a way to break down barriers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, sorry for being awkward and avoiding you last week, I was feeling uncomfortable and not sure if I had done something to upset someone.  Are we good?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, friend, your friends are making feel bad by avoiding me, but I'd like to continue to hang out with you.  Any thoughts on how I could improve the frosty environment with A and B and C and D?  Or maybe we could hang out occasionally without them?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi C... [no response]... [chase them down].  C, I notice you didn't return my greeting, which makes me think that you're upset with me or just don't like me.  What's up?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that this is not advice to accept all blame for a relationship onto your own shoulders, which is another recipe for disaster.  This is a conversation-opening strategy only, and a way to get intentions and feelings into the open.  If a &quot;friend&quot; refuses to engage, or bluntly says that they don't like you, well, you have your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2548" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-30T21:25:04.667" LastActivityDate="2018-07-30T21:25:04.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17124" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17128" CreationDate="2018-07-30T23:12:25.623" Score="1" ViewCount="420" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a similar question here: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/7905/6751&quot;&gt;How to tell someone believing in pseudoscience &amp;amp; conspiracy theories is wrong without making them feel stupid/upset?&lt;/a&gt; My question has a different setting: I'm dealing with a person who is not my friend or family member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation&lt;/strong&gt;: I was talking to a guy (an acquaintance who I have some common business with, not related to job) about sex-related topics and I asked him if he knows that syphilis can be transferred via kisses, and he responded with a bunch of nonsense. He believes that &quot;syphilis is a gene of the negroid race which helps to deal with high temperatures and that if a woman is infected, she will have a specific scent.&quot; (My rough paraphrase of his words.) That is obviously all false.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, he seems to have rather chaotic sexual habits, and I believe he might end up having some STD. He mistakingly believes that he can tell if someone is infected and take some actions to prevent the infection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;At the minimum, I want to tell him he's wrong, but I can't (and don't want to) spend too much time on it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ideally, I'd like to teach him something about reputable sources of information and how to spot urban legends, pseudoscience, etc., but I don't want to give him a lecture.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I already told him what I know about the disease, but he replied with, &quot;I'll find the info later [and show you].&quot; He seems like a stubborn guy, and I hope there's a method to present the information vividly, in a way which he wouldn't want to argue with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to be rude, but I'm not really afraid of upsetting him. Our relationships are somewhere between &quot;colleagues&quot; and &quot;bros,&quot; so he's okay with informal conversations.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is not the first time I hear this kind of bizarre &quot;facts&quot; from him, and since we'll probably communicate for a while, I'd like to do something about it, partly because I care about him a bit, and partly because some of his &quot;myths&quot; affect the way we do our common business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6751" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T05:12:00.793" Title="Disproving false beliefs of an acquaintance which may be dangerous or affect our relationships" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;russia&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-07-31T06:17:30.900" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17124" CreationDate="2018-07-31T05:12:00.793" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My go-to approach when dealing with bizarre beliefs like that is to simply ask &quot;Why?&quot; See also &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socratic_method&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this wiki article&lt;/a&gt; for some more info.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, going straight to disproving their belief will often be perceived (by them!) as some sort of aggression (trying to take away their opinion, trying to make them look / feel stupid), which in turn often makes them angry and / or stubborn, which ultimately renders them completely immune to any form of rational argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid this, I try to get them to justify their belief themselves, explain their reasoning and provide their sources. If they do this, the next stage would be to &quot;attack&quot; their logic and / or their sources. Both can again be achieved by asking critical questions, which may be formulated as open &quot;Why&quot;-questions or as suggestive &quot;Don't you think that...&quot;-questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Aren't you overlooking X here?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why do you think Source_A is reliable?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I think the most common objection would be Y, how would you counter&#xA;  that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing, in my experience, is to not explicitly take a position that puts you in opposition to them. A lot of bizarre beliefs and &quot;theories&quot; have some built-in defense mechanisms that involve seeing everyone who disagrees as &quot;one of them&quot; (henchmen of the Illuminati, sycophants of Big Pharma, extremist (left / right), ), i.e. an enemy who is not worth being listened to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this in mind, the above approach offers an additional benefit in that it lets you take a neutral stance. You show that you are willing to learn from them, but also make it clear that you're not going to be easily convinced. For me at least, this was an easy part to play, because I'm very much &quot;science-minded&quot;, and I'm willing to suspend my disbelief just for the sake of entertaining an idea of a &quot;theory&quot; and judge it on its own merit, even if my expectation of learning something fundamentally new is extremely low.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, it's useful to keep in mind that you're unlikely to change their mind in the course of one discussion, especially if the beliefs you're attacking form an important part of their world-view (not likely in the particular case you gave as an example, but you never know). So don't be too frustrated by (apparent) lack of success, and don't blame the other person for &quot;not getting it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17002" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T05:12:00.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17073" CreationDate="2018-07-31T07:04:31.860" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Nobody can &quot;make&quot; you feel any way that you yourself don't want to feel. If you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself why &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are making yourself feel uncomfortable. Take a minute, look at your thoughts, and see which thoughts you have that you react to with discomfort. For example, perhaps you have the idea that your true self-worth is defined by what other people think of you. If so, you might want to change your mind about that, and watch how your emotions change as a result. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people don't like you, stop caring. You don't live or die by what other people think of you; it's what you think of yourself that matters. Let them dislike you, and go ahead and like them anyway, because you prefer liking people. If they are mean to you, decide not to feel hurt. If you offend them, don't feel the need to defend yourself. Nobody really knows whether whatever you might have done to offend them is intrinsically or objectively offensive. Nobody really knows because such a thing doesn't exist, even though every ego in the world -- yours included -- wants you to believe that it does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to people the way you do when you like them, not to get them to like you, but because you do like them! Whether they like you or not. Find things to like in all these people who seem to dislike you. If people say mean things about you, or belittle you, it doesn't matter, if don't think of yourself the way they think they do. Forget about it and keep liking them. Some will stick around and become friends, some won't. Keep the door open either way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lao Tzu sums up the general idea better than I can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am good to good people,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I am also good to bad people.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  That is how to be good.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I am sincere to sincere people,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I am also sincere to insincere people.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  That is how to be sincere.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Tao Te Ching&lt;/em&gt;, Chap. 49&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So does Gandhi:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20436" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T07:04:31.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17130" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17131" CreationDate="2018-07-31T07:46:11.383" Score="31" ViewCount="13021" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a mid sized company. Due to company policy, we're usually not allowed to have personal electronics at work (all electronics in the offices must be tested every year, it's a licensing / auditing requirement).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This time of year, it is really, really hot. The IT office I work in has air conditioning, but the marketing and order processing offices do not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, our air conditioning is broken and is (sadly) not expected to be fixed this week or next week (the inspection today revealed more extensive damage). After this, a coworker returns from vacation that is allergic to AC anyways, so using the air conditioning this summer is pretty much out of the picture for my office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now my country is suffering a heat wave, and temperatures aren't expected to drop appreciably for at least another 2 weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I work in IT (we also do the testing of the electronics), I was able to bring and get tested a personal desk fan for myself. (It was a favor for me last year and has since been grandfathered in.) At the start of this heatwave (a week and a half ago) I lent my desk fan to the marketing department (2 people), since they're sitting in a particularly poor office for heat management. Due to lacking blinders and the facing of the windows, their office frequently gets 4-5C hotter then even outside temperature. I was in there shortly yesterday and came out drenched in sweat. It's bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, since our AC is broken, I'd really like to reclaim my desk fan. Current temperatures make working in my office a massive chore and productivity is at an all time low due to the heat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first (straightforward) attempt of asking for the fan back went predictably poorly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I want to know if there's any way or angle from which I can make that request without completly and utterly souring the relationship with the marketing department (I can just take the fan back, it's mine). Before I make enemies of my coworkers, I'm prepared to instead just eat the heat for the remainder of the heatwave.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Note that I'm not looking for legal remedies to the situation or outside remedies like &amp;quot;manage to somehow sneak in another fan&amp;quot;)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T13:39:10.447" Title="Reclaiming my desk fan when the office I lent it to is also really hot" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="8" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17131" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17130" CreationDate="2018-07-31T08:25:15.950" Score="66" Body="&lt;p&gt;My recommendation within the constraints set by you: &lt;strong&gt;Forget it - this is no longer your fan!&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;(on an IPS level, sure you may have it back when its colder)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason is that the marketing department is wronged, on a daily basis. They do not have access to the same resources or conditions as other employees have, namely a halfway decently temperatured workplace - &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.arbeitsschutzgesetz.org/arbstaettv/temperatur/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;as mandated by law.&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, on the other hand, normally have both an AC and also special treatment regarding private electronics. As such you are a symbol of that unfairness. You've given them a little bit of equality in giving them the fan. If you take it back, they will resist. There is no way you can take back a privilege given once, without resistance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will not matter that you are not the one responsible for the problem - as long as there is no culture of discussing and solving such problems with management, you will serve as a scapegoat just the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(That statement reflects my personal working experience)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a personal note: I'd want to frame-challenge your question. On the one hand you say it is not worth making a hassle with management - on the other hand you are clueless and asking strangers how to get your property back. Does not sound like a healthy environment to me. If you really want to improve things, get that communication problem solved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-08-02T08:22:44.480" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T08:22:44.480" CommentCount="16" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17075" CreationDate="2018-07-31T08:57:50.510" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suggestion to you would be that although you were asked your opinion by others not to jump into giving your thoughts and comments, but instead, take your concerns and direct them into questions. Assume that if you are correct in your assessment it a view that other people have already identified and by asking questions instead of giving comments you will help the other person to externalize any concerns they have and to contemplate them. This approach can be seen in 'motivational interviewing' in some professional circles (ocupational therapy for one) , but i think is simply a 'humble' and effective means of giving input through guided questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Concern: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she lacks something fundamental for a relationship and that is the intellectual capacity&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: To what extent to you find it easy to talk about the things that are most important to you in life?: spirituality, politics, environment, how to raise a family your values etc&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: How important do you think it is that you and here are of a similar intellectual capacity? How would you rate yourself and her on a scale of 1 to 10 where 5 is average?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be further questions like, do you ever find you are contemptuous about here lack of intellectual capacity, how much does it frustrate you etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20470" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T08:57:50.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17140" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17142" CreationDate="2018-07-31T09:39:22.167" Score="6" ViewCount="1034" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been working out at the local gym where I live for about half a year now. Since my town (if one can even call it that) is pretty small, the gym is too. There aren't a lot of people and therefore not a lot of machines/weights, but that's no problem, I never had to wait for anything. But since the gym is relatively small, aside from the owner there are no other trainers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the last 6 months I used the training plan the owner provided me (which was free). But after a lot of research myself, including books, websites and forums, I think the plan is highly unbalanced. I came up with a better, more balanced and less intense plan (since I'm only working out for half a year) and tried to talk to him about the topic. He immediately rejected my statement of his plan being unbalanced, and told me I should follow his plan. I'll see I'll make gains, he said. Sure, I might make some gains, but for what cost?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to just follow my own plan behind his back, because that might upset him. Because of his age he's pretty old fashioned, he also seems relatively stubborn. I don't want to upset him in any way, because, except for the provided plan, his advice always helped me. He also told me, if I'd change my plan it's on my own risk - I shouldn't come crying if I hurt myself with my own plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I use my own training plan without upsetting him and being able to receive future advice if needed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-07-31T12:00:20.373" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T20:49:08.143" Title="Using my own training plan without upsetting stubborn trainer" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;training&gt;&lt;exercise&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17130" CreationDate="2018-07-31T10:02:59.373" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I appreciate that this situation is a little challenging as far as interpersonal situations go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your seemingly advantageous position regarding whole fan situation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The lack of definitions about the basis of the loan before hand&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The (mutual?) perceived need they have for the fan.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically it is the 2nd and 3rd issue that is causing the most problems here. They feel the loss acutely and you feel empathetic and back off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple trick would be to lower the interpersonal discomfort but reducing opportunity for resistance. Go to them one day and say you have been doing some very hot work and need to use the fan again, perhaps use hyperbole like, 'you feel you might faint' without it. Don't wait for a response and directly start taking the fan. Psychologically the most uncomfortable position is the fear or loss and hope to prevent it. If they have opportunity to dwell they will quickly reconcile themselves to the new situation. If they object again you can apologize and say you are really need it, without stopping. Or you can back off. Depending on your relationship/style joking that they really owe you/ if you are ill they are doing your work/ or just says oh alright but you hope they recognize you are being kind to them. Allowing you to back out if need be&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible, do it when only one of them is around. (Ideally the most passive of the two).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may not feel like the most 'mature' thing to do but you have already intimated you feel like you tried asking nicely and they resisted (i.e didn't accept your legitimate claim to the fan. Instead, my suggestion aims to use social cues to change the balance 'cue health / severity of your situation referencing fainting' 'cue this isn't open to debate, so stop resisting and start accepting this change'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All said and done, given your willingness to eat the heat to preserve the peace. And a distinct lack of ill will against them, you appreciate why they didn't immediately return the fan perhaps other solutions is the best solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20470" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T10:02:59.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17140" CreationDate="2018-07-31T10:45:51.407" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You will not be able to completely avoid confrontation, but you can soften the blow, so to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, don't try to change your trainer's mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[...] tried to talk to him about the topic. He immediately regected my&#xA;  statement of his plan being unbalanced, and told me I should follow&#xA;  his plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, the trainer thinks his plan is good for you, and changing other people's mind is usually fruitless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it's not really necessary. Just train according to your plan - don't hide this, but don't push it in his face either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can see roughly two possible outcomes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Either he does not really care that much, or does not even notice. In that case you have what you want: You train according to your plan, you avoid conflict with your trainer, and you can still ask for specific advice if you want to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or he notices, and confronts you (&quot;Why do you no longer do X which is in your plan?&quot; or similar). Then you'll need to explain that you changed your plan because you feel it suits you better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the second case, the key points should be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt; try to convince him your plan is somehow &quot;better&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do&lt;/strong&gt; emphasize that you feel it better suits you, your body and your goals.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do&lt;/strong&gt; listen to his side. You don't have to agree, but as an experienced trainer, he &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; have things to tell you you did not know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after that the trainer still insists on you using his plan, you'll have to establish clear boundaries. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate your concern for me, but I have thought this through, and&#xA;  this is how I want to train. Please stop discussing this with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at this point the trainer still insists, your options will be limited to either enduring him, or changing gymns. He could even (being the owner) decide to evict you (don't know if that is possible in this case). At that point, you will have exhausted your options - but I hope it does not come to this. At least you have done everything you could to get along with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1775" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T10:45:51.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17075" CreationDate="2018-07-31T11:56:19.107" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Soft spoken and terse with conversations?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Unable or unwilling to provide complex answers when put on the spot? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds like me when I'm faced with someone intimidating (like a boyfriend's brother in law, or a job interview)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You're never going to see the best of someone under those circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you've not seen her displaying her intellect meaningfully, that doesn't mean she's stupid. More likely she simply isn't comfortable talking to you, which, I'm sorry to say is probably borne out by your own judgement of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice if you can; Spend more time with them, see how they interact, watch for more complex thoughts. They're not so hard to spot.&#xA;Give it time and keep an open mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, as others here have commented, Intellectual Parity is only a nice-to-have in a relationship, it's not crucial, certainly not as much as mutual love and respect.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You might not agree with this assessment, but your brother in law almost certainly does unless he's terribly unobservant of this person he's known for over a year. (that or he knows her intelligence better than you, which would be highly likely)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approach your brother-in-law with your concerns there is almost no way I can think of to broach the subject kindly or tactfully. You &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; come off looking like an asshole unless you have a far better relationship with your brother-in-law than seems likely to me.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you must. Frame it gently as a concern in a much wider conversation. It's going to be an incredibly touchy subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I wouldn't be willing to address it at all, it sounds like a fantastic way to alienate both of them and get uninvited from the wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-07-31T11:58:18.480" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T11:58:18.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17145" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-31T12:17:30.507" Score="0" ViewCount="87" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a collaborator who is working with me on a project. I guess he is too slow not because he is not capable but rather afraid of doing mistakes (on the problem we are working on) and perhaps he procrastinates a lot. Because of this, the project is suffering immeasurably. We have passed all the pre-decided deadlines. How can I manage and motivate him without hurting him the least?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20475" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T12:34:07.237" Title="Managing and motivating a collaborator" Tags="&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-07-31T12:34:09.590" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17145" CreationDate="2018-07-31T12:34:07.237" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can sympathize with your collaborator, I sometimes have trouble working on stuff and it's often due to fear of mistakes / failure / looking dumb / being overwhelmed.  One thing that helps me, might help your collaborator, is to help him break the project down into smaller, achievable tasks.  If he's feeling overwhelmed that will help, because now he can just focus on something that he can finish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T12:34:07.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17147" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17148" CreationDate="2018-07-31T13:39:58.643" Score="101" ViewCount="34851" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am asking this question for a friend. My friend is straight,  male, and married to a woman and loyal to his wife. He is a somewhat socially awkward person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He works in an office of software engineers. The other day, my friend was telling me one of his co-workers (she) was wearing a kimono-style shirt, and he was unsure about giving her a compliment without coming across as flirting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He ended up asking what material the shirt was made of and commenting that it looked comfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She responded pleasantly and went on to say that she got it from a thrift store and it was one of her favorite shirts. Then they both got back to work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of them have not socialized outside of work. They have socialized in work socials out of the office (movies, picnic, etc), but not extensively. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They see each other daily at work in the office and don't talk much, other than some chit-chat about the weather and how they are in general. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He does not want to make things awkward by potentially coming across as flirting. It wasn't absolutely necessary to make the compliment, he simply wanted to say something nice to a female co-worker, while respecting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend is naturally quiet, other than making some small talk and talking with co-workers for collaborative tasks and such. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For future reference: How can he approach complimenting her without making it awkward between the two?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T16:13:02.647" LastActivityDate="2019-12-20T04:32:17.450" Title="Complimenting a female co-worker without coming across as flirting?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="18" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17147" CreationDate="2018-07-31T13:57:22.073" Score="190" Body="&lt;p&gt;Coming from my experience in &lt;em&gt;receiving&lt;/em&gt; compliments from men I didn't know very well, I'd suggest focusing on complimenting the shirt vs complimenting the person wearing the shirt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, saying something as simple as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That shirt looks good on you, the color brings out your eyes.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;can be taken as '&lt;em&gt;flirting&lt;/em&gt;' by some (especially strangers who don't know each other very well), due to the fact that the compliment is aimed more at the person and not the shirt.  I think this often happens because individuals tend to get caught up on hearing the words '&lt;em&gt;you/your&lt;/em&gt;', regardless of what the surrounding context may be.  For this reason I'd try to avoid any compliments in which the word '&lt;em&gt;you/your&lt;/em&gt;' is involved (&lt;em&gt;even though there are potentially some exceptions&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, a statement such as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That's a cool looking shirt, what kind of material is it made of?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;focuses instead on how the &lt;em&gt;shirt&lt;/em&gt; looks without ever mentioning how it appeals/adds to the coworkers appearance or body shape.  This runs &lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt; of a risk of being misinterpreted by the other party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you establish enough of a rapport with someone, it becomes less awkward/risky to give compliments that &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; involve their physical appearance.  So long as the coworker is more of a casual acquaintance though, I would recommend sticking to compliments focusing on &lt;em&gt;the shirt&lt;/em&gt; over compliments with emphasis on the person wearing the shirt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-08-02T20:28:11.160" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T20:28:11.160" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17101" CreationDate="2018-07-31T15:14:48.457" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Adding another answer because the answers so far concentrate on how without first considering why she may be exhibiting this behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She probably still feels like she is a guest in your flat. As such, she may not want to presume to initiate cleaning herself. She may feel she lacks agency or incentive to clean. I know I've slipped into the routine of &quot;I'm the guest, I should be looked after&quot; (especially at a parents house!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the way I would address solving this is to take steps to make her feel less like a guest and more like a partner. Make it less a vacation and more a home away from home. Put some pictures of the two of you up. Clear some drawer/wardrobe space for her. Involve her in some decorating discussions/decisions. Go out and choose some new towels. Cook together! If it's something &quot;you like to do&quot;, try and share it together, and then you can share cleaning up together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me the issue is ownership - so anything you can do to help her feel more ownership will lead to her taking more responsibility of the space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20482" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T15:14:48.457" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17147" CreationDate="2018-07-31T16:17:56.160" Score="88" Body="&lt;p&gt;Jess K.'s answer is spot-on, but I wanted to add some additional detail. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The challenge is not only &lt;em&gt;what&lt;/em&gt; your friend says but &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; he says it.  Body language, eye contact, tone, cadence, and other things all can create a flirtations subtext, even when your friend is trying to act calm and cool.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When flirting, men tend to lean in, make direct body contact, look directly into the eyes of the other person, shyly smile, raise an eyebrow, play with their clothing, and various other &quot;cues&quot;. For what it's worth, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.today.com/health/18-body-language-clues-say-he-s-interested-definitely-t72476&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here's a list provided by the esteemed reporters on NBC's Today show&lt;/a&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, because your friend has social anxiety, focusing on controlling his body language might only add to his tension, for fear he might unconsciously screw up some subtle cue.  One trick that might help is to &lt;em&gt;visualize his coworker as male&lt;/em&gt; (or perhaps even as his boss) and note how his body automatically shifts to create a different subtext.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend was talking to a &lt;em&gt;male&lt;/em&gt; coworker who (presumably) he &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; find attractive, his body language would not include these typical &quot;flirting&quot; behaviors.  He would, for example, maintain a certain distance and a relaxed posture (instead of leaning in), avoid the appearance of wanting physical contact, and keep the tone light and friendly.  He wouldn't have a nervous little smile, because he wouldn't &lt;em&gt;be&lt;/em&gt; nervous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as verbal openers go, the fact that your friend is married provides an easy way to talk about clothing with any female coworker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, that's a nice top.  Where did you get it?  &lt;strong&gt;I bet my wife would want something just like that.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bringing up your spouse is (usually) a clear signal that you are not flirting, and that your interest is in the context of making your spouse happy.  While this might not be 100% true (a topic for a separate IPS thread) nevertheless it helps frame the discussion within &quot;appropriate&quot; boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T15:12:56.597" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T15:12:56.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17156" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17130" CreationDate="2018-07-31T16:39:53.310" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first step is to understand what problem you're trying to solve. You phrase this in terms of &quot;getting your fan back&quot;, but what really matters to you is that you have some way of dealing with the heat. Trying to do this by moving equipment around is not likely to work. If you take away the marketing department's fan (that is, the fan they're using now) then they're not going to be able to do their jobs effectively, which means less money comes in and your paycheck is in danger. Also, you will have shifted some pain from yourself to them, which is not great from an interpersonal skills perspective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead of thinking of this as a zero-sum game (there is one fan, we're trying to decide who gets to use it) think of this as a matter of working with your co-workers to fix your broken workplace. All of you are suffering, so you need to determine what it is you all need, and use your collective skills to get those things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things you might want to require would include blinds for the the windows to reduce the heat in the marketing space, fans for all workers in hot weather, and some way to get AC that doesn't cause problems for your allergic co-worker. I'm sure that you and your co-workers can refine and add to this list until you come up with something that you're all willing to support. Having done that, you all go together to management and have the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will give you two opportunities to develop your interpersonal skills: first, in bringing your co-workers together to present a unified set of requirements to management, and then in negotiating those requirements with management. Since you are a reasonable person presenting reasonable demands, you have a reasonable chance of success. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20488" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-07-31T16:48:49.787" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T16:48:49.787" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17014" CreationDate="2018-07-31T17:14:24.087" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the other answers. But I would add this. Spend a bit of time yourself, getting to know his parents. If I were a young man, and brought a young woman home, there would be times when I would be sitting around playing chess with my father or something, and my mother and the woman would be sitting around chatting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of the problem that you see seems really to be nothing more than your own self-consciousness and sense of intimidation. Your concern about &quot;alone time&quot; for your &lt;em&gt;bon ami&lt;/em&gt; seems more motivated by this sense of intimidation than anything real. He wants you to come; he knows his parents better than you do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From their perspective, they are probably well aware of your feelings, probably see you as understandably a bit nervous and shy (isn't everyone, when they go to meet the parents), and probably expect that you will &quot;warm up to them&quot; over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just form relationships of your own with his parents individually. They're just people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20436" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T17:14:24.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16995" CreationDate="2018-07-31T18:30:08.593" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds to me like it's time to move. All those nit-picky double standards aren't the issue. The issue is that you don't like their lifestyle and they don't like yours. The reason that they're acting the way they are about it is that they have the idea that that's your fault. It's nobody's fault. Don't try to fix it. Just take what you've learned about what you want your roommates to be like, and start looking for it. These guys ain't it, and you aren't going to turn them into it, either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I spent over 20 years going from one roommate situation to another, starting when I was 20. At first, it worked out sometimes, and didn't sometimes. I learned that you can  like someone and enjoy his or her company, and yet can't stand to live with them. Once I got into my 30's, I began interviewing roommates and expecting them to do the same, and wound up having some great experiences and making some lifelong friends. Meanwhile, I'd see younger people move in with their best friends from high school or whatever and be at each others' throats in a matter of months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you decide to live with someone, you need to have a very frank, candid and personal conversation about living habits. Nothing is off the table, because it certainly won't be once you move in. Smoking, music, bringing girlfriends/boyfriends in to stay the night, partying, drinking, drugs, bathroom habits, washing dishes, cats, dogs, snakes, parakeets, allergies, cooking, food management, etc. etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would keep a list of all the things that you learned that you didn't want to live with, and ask your next potential roommates about them. If after this interview, you don't think you and they would get along, just say so. If they get mad at being turned down, you know you made the right call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once dropped by a woman's house who was looking for a housemate. She had a neat-as-a-pin place, with all of her decor very carefully color-coordinated, and so on. Already a red flag for meI had a piano (an electric one), and she told me that it could go in my room, and oh by the way, she didn't want to hear me playing it. Ok, sounds like I would drive you up a wall, and for my part I'd be afraid to sit down in the living room. Thanks for your time, shook hands and I left. Funny thing was, I got a call from a guy three doors down from her, who was also looking for a housemate. She had called him and said he and I might hit it off. I dropped by, we talked for three hours or so, I decided to move in, and we wound up living together for five years until he got married and I moved out of town. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point of this story is that people usually don't mind when you tell them you don't think it would be a good idea to live together. (If they do, they're going to find ways to mind living with you, too, once you move in.) They don't want a bad experience either, and it isn't like either side is to blame for having different living habits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, look for a new situation, don't be afraid to ask personal questions when you interview them, and don't be afraid to walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20436" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T18:30:08.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17160" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12466" CreationDate="2018-07-31T18:50:55.053" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like @baldPrussian's approach and would definitely try that first.  But if he won't let you repay the money with money, then repay the gift with a gift.  Come up with something he would enjoy.  Invite him for a visit or take a trip with him where you pay his fare, treat him to a good evening out (dinner, show etc), or provide a keepsake that will remind him of your thanks.&#xA;&quot;You helped us so much when we needed it, we would like to show our appreciation with a (dinner, trip etc) now we can&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably better to arrange something with him than surprise him, but I would expect he will be much more open to something like this even if he wouldn't accept the return of the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8565" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T18:50:55.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17101" CreationDate="2018-07-31T20:18:14.243" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There have been a decent number of really rational responses here and my take on this is a little different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're trying to &quot;fix&quot; her. You can't. I have my doubts that's it's even possible for one person to fix another. It sounds like you've tried a range of approaches and all have failed. To me, this only strengthens my opinion that you can't fix people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will change if and when she decides to and that likely can't be influenced by you. I say that because you've been consistently trying and failing. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to accept that people won't do certain things for their signifiant others, but it's reality. I'm old and I've seen a LOT of relationships. Even the best ones have odd sticky issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I empathize because I am in the same boat as you. My spouse seems very similar in behavior and responses to nudging to yours. I am 20+ years in this relationship and have done everything you have done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me I had to look at what things my spouse does that I don't do, and factor that in. When I could find that he provided lots of value in other things around the house that I don't do (or want to do) it was easy for me to &quot;give up&quot; on getting him to change his behavior.  For example, I dislike yard work. My spouse is great at it. I hate shoveling snow. My spouse likes the snowblower more than me. There is give and take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think there is a serious imbalance where there isn't a give and take. If you are able to take a 1000ft view of things and see where your spouse does provide value and if you can find it's worth what you think the cleaning up is worth, you can likely get past this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand some people are built to take and not give. Hopefully she's not like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20495" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T20:18:14.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17163" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17147" CreationDate="2018-07-31T20:28:18.267" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a straight married male not interested in flirting and trying to avoid awkwardness, he should avoid complimenting members of the opposite sex on things he noticed for making them look attractive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the workplace, try and treat members of the both sexes similarly.  Would he often compliment male co-workers on their clothes that he noticed for making them look attractive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean all comments about clothes are off-limits; e.g., if a male or female coworker came in with a T-shirt with a reference to something you like or is funny, it's fine to start some small talk about their reference.  Or if the office is normally casual wear and someone came in wearing a very fancy clothes, it's fine to start a conversation about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if he doesn't frequently compliment male coworkers on their clothes being attractive, it's probably mildly inappropriate to comment on female coworker's clothes for being attractive.  This isn't to say she should call HR or his wife if he said a simple compliment about an attractive shirt, but many women feel uncomfortable about strangers or distant acquaintances commenting about their appearance, even obliquely.  This is true even when it was a sincere compliment with no ulterior motive, because it isn't possible for her to intuit his precise motive behind the comment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, in the future he should compliment her for similar reasons that he compliments his male colleagues (examples like &quot;good idea&quot;, &quot;thanks for being so helpful&quot;, &quot;great work&quot;, etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18956" LastEditorUserId="18956" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T12:00:20.407" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T12:00:20.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17147" CreationDate="2018-07-31T20:28:46.503" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;The difference between compliment and inappropriate behaviour is in the way you do it, more than what you do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can easily compliment people, by &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Making clear through your behaviour that this is what you intend (and nothing more)&lt;/em&gt;, and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Anticipating that they may be worried anyway, and so making very clear by your manner, that is &lt;strong&gt;all&lt;/strong&gt; you intend.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What follows is an actual example I had myself, a few days ago. I happened to see a young lady with really nicely done hair, at a train station. I wanted to compliment her (a stranger and young female POC) without triggering concern. My motive was that I felt she might like this, so long as it didn't worry her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just said as we waited near each other, &quot;I just wanted to say, your hair looks amazing&quot;, I smiled briefly, and then almost immediately, &lt;strong&gt;I started to walk about 20 yards up the platform&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;began reading things&lt;/strong&gt; on my phone, &lt;strong&gt;looking towards the train tracks not at her&lt;/strong&gt;. I got into a different carriage, and didn't see or speak to her again, or even look for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She got the compliment, and &lt;strong&gt;also&lt;/strong&gt; got the message that  I truly had no ulterior motive. Because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't try to convert the compliment into a conversation, or use it as a &quot;hook&quot; to engage her any further.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't try to stay in her personal space, or near her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't try to watch her for any reaction&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I immediately turned my interest back to normal disinterested passer-by things, like my own phone, and my expected train, nothing about her (as if we had never spoken)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I walked away &quot;normally&quot;, like anyone walking down a train platform. Not furtively, or guiltily. Just like normal. But not too slowly, and not looking back or anything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't try to pick it up later.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I didn't act like I had done anything wrong, or weird, or that I needed to explain anything to her, or carry on talking to apologise, or explain it was safe, or anything. &lt;strong&gt;I just shut up and left well alone/walked away, saying nothing more&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this last point is really important. It's so tempting to explain, but its actually an extended engagement that is most likely to cause worry (&lt;em&gt;whatever is said or whatever the intention!&lt;/em&gt;) than anything else. Trust that skipping it, and skipping any other hint of further interaction, will work better than misguidedly trying to &quot;make sure it's okay&quot;. If due to aspies or any other reason, this doesn't make sense, trust it anyway. It's very important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an office setting you can do the same, with modifications.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;say &quot;that  looks nice&quot;, and &lt;strong&gt;nothing else&lt;/strong&gt;. Say it as a compliment, but keep it bare, don't embellish, don't add more, and make clear what exactly you are complimenting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then immediately, but without acting guilty or furtive, or rushing, go do something of your own stuff. Some work, or a file that's elsewhere, or a coffee or whatever.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't explain, expand or apologise, or try to say anything more.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the colleague wishes, they will say thank you. If they don't, they won't. If they do, you can say, &quot;I didn't want to say more in case it wasn't wanted&quot;. Then again shut up, they will comment if they wish, if it was fine. But most people in my experience will be OK with a  very brief compliment, as there isn't time to get anxious or worried before it's over - and it's  clear the person really didn't mean or want anything more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;In a separate incident yesterday, I got to see the reverse side of this&lt;/em&gt;. I was walking down my local high street with an LGBT friend with a new and frankly awesome haircut. A passerby - a complete stranger - walking on the same side towards us, said as they passed, &quot;Love your hair!&quot;, &lt;strong&gt;and said nothing else and carried on walking without stopping&lt;/strong&gt;. My friend, who is quite stranger-phobic and anxious socially, and would normally worry, was left smiling by the compliment and the way it was done, and felt good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In today's society, that's probably the safest way to do it, apart from simply not doing it.... which is always safe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2018-07-31T20:41:23.203" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T20:41:23.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17140" CreationDate="2018-07-31T20:49:08.143" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I understand that the town is small and that you don't want to create unnecessary tension - but there already is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, the tension is on &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. You want to correct things by following your own plan and this might &lt;em&gt;move&lt;/em&gt; the tension to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is straight-forward. You own him nothing. You've done your own homework and think you've got a better plan. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His statements of &quot;don't come crying to me if you hurt yourself&quot; are manipulative and ill-mannered for a business owner. His goal should be your continued use of his facility which requires you to be happy and not stressed. Besides, did he agree to be responsible for you if you &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; hurt yourself and come &quot;crying to him&quot;? I doubt it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let this guy boss you around. Do your own thing. Also if this is the only gym in town, check out TRX and home workout options. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20495" LastActivityDate="2018-07-31T20:49:08.143" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17169" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17198" CreationDate="2018-07-31T23:11:34.587" Score="10" ViewCount="2049" Body="&lt;p&gt;I already asked this question before, and it was deleted for being off-topic (also because I did not check back for too long, and thus was unable to adjust my post according to the comments / the commenters did not see my changes.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question:&lt;/strong&gt; (hopefully not off-topic now - many thanks to the people who commented the other post)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;How to better react to my brother when he overreacts to small things, seeing them as intolerable 'disrespectfulness', or when he expects special rights? What reaction could cause him to re-think his reaction / his state of being-hurt?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(If that's not possible, it would be nice to at least be able to lead a normal, non-argument conversation with him, without having to make too many concessions. It could also help to understand why my brother is reacting this way.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional information:&lt;/strong&gt; We're a family of four, in a 'western' country. I am 25, my brother is 22. He lives with our parents again and is currently not doing anything, I am visiting our parents place every other week or so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Typical problem situations:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He expects to have 'time alone' in the kitchen. He does not want to cook food while people are around; he will state this to the people in question ('around' here is in rooms adjacent to the kitchen; one of them has to be passed to get to the kitchen.) [He has some money to buy food (not enough for eating out every meal), he even could cook in another kitchen in another flat if he asked]. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When my father told me about something he's done (most recent, the bottle smashing, see below), that's &quot;talking behind his back&quot;, and hurtful to him - when asked why exactly this is hurtful, he did not give a reason but replied &quot;don't you see what sick person this [our dad] is&quot; (that's a frequent statement of his)&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would understand it, if my dad had done more than just stating a fact, and if I had not directly told/confronted my brother about this; but to me this does not seem like 'talking behind someones back'. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Insults: &#xA;Here are two religious examples - my brother became a Muslim a couple of years ago - but there are other examples as well. E.g, criticism of all sort is seen as insult.  &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is against letting the dog be inside during the night (religious reasons); when my dad did some research on the view of dogs in islam, and talked to my brother about what he'd found, this was an insult to my brother (maybe doubting his knowledge was the insult). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On another occasion, my dad read a book very sceptical about the islamic faith, and claimed that the prophet might not even have existed. This was an insult to my brother (and not, for example, a 'different opinion').&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;More extreme situation:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Smashing a bottle in my mothers room and leaving it for her to clean, after walking in on her being in the bathtub - he faults her for forgetting to lock.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I, and my parents, have tried:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When we were on better terms, I tried to talk to him about instances where he felt treated unfairly by others, and tried to offer different points of view, or just a more moderate reaction. (People didn't always treat him right, but there are more useful reactions than just feeling offended.) He listened, and in generally did not seem to take it badly, but it also did not change anything. Of course, my knowledge of these cases was usually limited, and therefore he might just have been thinking 'she doesn't understand the situation anyway'.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling him he was overreacting considerably -- since then we're on bad terms.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reacting pissed (no effect so far)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling him it is quite hurtful to be told he cannot stand me being physically present  -- his reply was that 'You would not even know what it means to be hurt, otherwise you would not behave the way you do'.  (To a further question, he replied that yes, it's indeed us that have hurt him so badly.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We have tried factual arguments and logical arguments. There were very long discussions, sometimes ending angrily, sometimes not, but I don't remember ever having reached consensus.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;By now, my father just ignores him or shoots back sharply (without arguments).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My mother is generally very friendly and careful towards him, often stating (to him) that she wants that he feels at home and has everything he needs. She is generally ignoring any attacks from him. -- In some sort he is reacting positively to this; for example, these days he from time to time he says (to her) she's not the problem. However, it does not seem to change his behaviour in general. And he will still dig up her 'mistakes' another time. (A few months ago, he used to say similar things to me, like 'you're not the one, it's our mum and dad'.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My mother has suggested to him to go see a psychologist. He does not want to because he does not think his behaviour should be changed in any way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe this is exaggerated, but it feels like having lost a family member. Any help would really be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19821" LastEditorUserId="19821" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T11:13:33.663" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T15:33:21.520" Title="How to deal with someone who always feels treated disrespectfully?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17170" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-07-31T23:59:16.480" Score="3" ViewCount="429" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently took a freelancing job (fixed price, not per hour) to develop a certain aspect of a WordPress site. I was really interested in this project and was excited to learn WordPress, brush up on my PHP and get started. I was given a specific goal to achieve. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I came up with a solution, whipped up a small proof of concept (POC), and explained it to my employer. My employer is not very technical at all and doing things over the phone (and in person) can lead to many misunderstandings. He told me that the POC was not what he wanted, and explained what he did want. So, I spent a couple of weeks learning more WordPress, until finally, I built a very basic POC for his new idea. I sent him some screenshots, and spoke to him on the phone about it. He wasn't sure if what I had was what we wanted, and needed to meet in person about it. That's fine with me... BUT, the issue is that I am studying abroad next year, and I will not be able to sit down in person with him for the next year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see myself finishing this project before I leave, especially because of all the setbacks and potential setbacks. I am an eager developer and am ready to adapt and learn but at a certain point this seems unfair. When I took the job, I had a few very clear ideas about how this would be done, and the details are changing and the project is just getting bigger and bigger every time I present my progress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I express this to my employer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20501" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T00:32:09.863" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T06:24:29.527" Title="How to deal with an employer who doesn't know what he wants" Tags="&lt;jobs&gt;&lt;employers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-08-01T14:29:55.443" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17172" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17173" CreationDate="2018-08-01T01:40:52.607" Score="4" ViewCount="504" Body="&lt;p&gt;...but I love &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt; else about my job and I don't want to leave it! I'll just quickly list boss's attributes:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Absolutely radiates negativity  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consistently in a bad mood (I'd say like 80% of the time)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sarcastic, condescending  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Micromanaging silly, trivial things (my biggest pet peeve)   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asks sarcastic rhetorical questions when he feels you screwed up (which is always because...)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Impossible to please  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Nothing is ever his fault. Case-in-point: he borked a server migration by missing the DB part (only moved the frontend stuff, like web UI) and blamed &lt;em&gt;vendor&lt;/em&gt; documentation!  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;VERY poor communicator: hard to reach, gives vague instructions, not enough info. Constantly on DND in IM/chat.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Widely disliked in the company  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sending him daily emails now about what I'm doing, trying to gain his trust. I've read in multiple places that &lt;em&gt;over-communicating&lt;/em&gt; things (everything?) is helpful with a micromanager boss. I can only do so much though since he is such an incredibly poor communicator. God help me, I am trying to find solutions and &quot;build a bridge&quot; with this man but after a whole year at this job, I'm almost not sure it's humanly possible.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course my story here is one-sided, so take that into consideration I suppose, but I will say one of our absolute best technicians (I work in IT Ops) quit a few months ago. He and I were fairly close and he confided in me before he left that the only reason he was quitting was because of our boss. Also, we frequently commiserated about the IT director (our boss) before that. Lastly, I know said ex-coworker was extremely critical of our boss in his exit interview, but it doesn't seem to have done much good, if any.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All that said: &lt;strong&gt;I do not want to quit, so please don't suggest it!&lt;/strong&gt; My questions are:    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is there anything that can be done to fix this? I know there's no definite answer here, but in general. How does this typically go?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there is hope, what can I do to fix the situation? Other than over-communicating things, which I am already trying to do. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Perhaps I can use some kind of metrics to &lt;em&gt;prove&lt;/em&gt; I am doing a good job? We use tons of software for tracking things.   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What are my options as far as filing a formal complain or requesting a different boss? What if I got another job offer and demanded a different boss or that I quit? This is a small-medium sized business so I'm not optimistic on that front, but it easily could come to that.     &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any other feedback appreciated. Thanks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20500" LastEditorUserId="20500" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T19:50:25.813" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T19:50:25.813" Title="My boss is a micromanager and I resent him, maybe even hate him" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-08-01T05:42:24.053" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17172" CreationDate="2018-08-01T02:49:44.093" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've worked for a horrible micromanager in the past, so I'll say this in the clearest language possible: there was no way that I could change that situation.  The only thing that kept this person out of my hair was their being so busy, they had too little time to micromanage me.  How does this typically go?  Staff turns over completely about every 2 years - long enough to gain some experience and then get the heck out.  The MM calls them &quot;quitters&quot;, says that they weren't working out anyway, or that they need to be more careful selecting staff; very seldom do they question the turnover rate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Micromanagers, believe it or not, need to feel that involved.  They as a group don't trust their staff and some have a &quot;hero complex&quot; - they need to be the one who &quot;saves&quot; the staff from their own incompetence or &quot;save&quot; the users from their staff.  The one I had was too uncertain of their position to share decision-making with their subordinate managers, making me into a highly-paid technician.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Proof of doing a good job to a MM is that you're doing what you're told, the way you're told to do it, and getting the result they envision.  All other metrics are just fluff.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT filing a formal complaint: that's a pretty risky move.  HR departments like to say that they're there for the employee, but their real function is to keep the employer from being sued.  If a dispute comes in between you and management, the vast majority of the time, HR and upper management will side with your manager.  You will need a lot of proof of malfeasance, incompetence, and malpractice to gain the attention of upper management.  Even then, they will want to hear the manager's explanation.  That's not a route I would recommend going down.  If you get another job offer, take it and be happy.  Unless you are impossible to replace (and you most likely aren't), most corporations will take your demand as precisely that and not negotiate on it.  Even if they did, you will still have that broken relationship to contend with.  (I saw a manager at one place I worked at try to file formal complaints against a horrible boss he had.  The response this boss had?  To try to promote his position - with requirements he couldn't meet.  Then they could fire him for performance and not have it be retaliation.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry if I come across as cynical, but I've worked for a couple of micromanagers and found that there was no way to please them, no matter what anyone on the staff did.  One thing I've learned is that there are a LOT of really good jobs out there. Even if you love what you're doing, where you're doing it, except for one factor, you can find a different place where that one factor is replaced with a different annoyance (and it may not be nearly as bad).  Nothing is perfect, but work shouldn't be something that you dread spending a third of your waking life at.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T02:49:44.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17169" CreationDate="2018-08-01T03:42:06.360" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that there are a two options here depending on how willing your parents are to hear your input on the situation. If you consider your brother's assessment of your parents unfair, then you should discuss your concerns privately with your parents. Explain your perspective, listen to their perspective, and arrive at a consensus for how to address the problem. If your parents are not interested in your perspective, then I would try your mother's approach until you can get into a position where you can remove or distance yourself from the situation. Treading carefully around your brother may not mitigate all of his outbursts, but it will improve his behavior around and attitude towards you. The truth is that managing your brother's behavior is not your responsibility. If you feel he is a danger to you, contact the relevant authorities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20504" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T03:42:06.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17172" CreationDate="2018-08-01T04:17:35.720" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that you should certainly continue sending your daily progress emails to your manager; in addition, there's something else you can do to appease him when you're meeting him in person:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always bring a notebook and pen with you, when you are meeting to speak with him, whether the meeting ranges from a few minutes to a few hours.  Now, actively take notes when he is speaking, write down as much as you can, with brief periods of you repeating back to him what you wrote down in your notebook, just to confirm that what's written in your notebook is indeed what he meant to say.  I have found that this makes a micromanager feel considerably more comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to use a notebook and not several pieces of printing paper, which makes it look like you're doing some mindless scratch work.  A notebook signals that you are treating the note-taking process seriously, and you could earn more respect from this micromanaging boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last but not least, from my experience in the past, we persevered and hoped that the company will eventually get rid of a widely disliked manager, and sure enough, it happened.  We were all feeling the same as you did - we loved our jobs, with the exception of an aggressive micromanager who tended to want to make others look bad, in order to give off the perception that he was a hero and saving our department.  If you wait long enough, I would bet that things will eventually work themselves out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20357" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T04:17:35.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17130" CreationDate="2018-08-01T04:17:47.403" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Saving face&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having treated you poorly, the people in the other department stand to lose face if they back down from their stance by returning your fan.  Even though they understand that it belongs to you and that you're authorized to use it at work, returning it to you now would mean that they were wrong to not return it when you first asked, and that would be embarrassing for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Peace offering&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since their frustration is with their working conditions and not with you personally, they may respond well to a gesture of camaraderie and sympathy — a container of ice cream, perhaps, if that's appropriate for their office.  Nothing expensive; it's not a bribe, it's an opportunity for them to save face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Misery loves company&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think that the others would not respond well to a peace offering, you could tell them when you reclaim your fan that you need it at home.  Although you've already told them that you need it for your office, I don't think anyone could fault you for saying — as the hot weather goes on and on and on — that you're having trouble sleeping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The others don't need a convincing argument; they know they have to return your property when you ask for it back.  As long as you don't immediately benefit &lt;em&gt;at work&lt;/em&gt; from the others' loss, their pride might not require them to resent you for reclaiming your fan.  After a few days have passed — when the others can pretend that the dispute never happened, when it would be more embarrassing for them to continue treating you poorly than to let the issue go — you can bring the fan back to your own office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11109" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T04:17:47.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17170" CreationDate="2018-08-01T04:53:18.170" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;On an interpersonal level, you should treat him like a petulent child that cannot decide what to wear today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Offer a very limited set of choices. In your case, no more than 3, only 2 might be better.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Present your progress as prototypes (screen presentation). Let your customer look at and play around with it until he has a feeling for the current prototypes. Then ask him which choice he likes best. He must choose one of the presented choices and is not allowed to throw it all out the window and demand a different solution.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't let him fiddle around with features that are not finished. Show the edges clearly in the prototype. Let there be no half finished view, but display &quot;not implemented&quot; instead.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell him what your next step will be (what to expect of the next prototype), but only explain the superficial idea, no technical details. Ask him for his ideas and preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Write all agreements (of every presentation meeting) down and send them to your customer for his information. Hold him to these agreements. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way he feels still in control, has influence on the development of &quot;his&quot; product, but cannot change his mind chaotically and invalidate your previous work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T06:24:29.527" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T06:24:29.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17180" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17182" CreationDate="2018-08-01T07:41:17.130" Score="58" ViewCount="16972" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of my close friends, who is 25, has recently broken up with his girlfriend of 10-11 months. Naturally, he has turned to me and other people close to him for help and support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend is, by nature, quite needy and very inexperienced with relationships. He's taking the breakup extremely badly and his neediness has manifested itself in his communication with me and others around him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the past week, he's been texting me and calling me incessantly. I receive dozens of texts and calls from him throughout the day. I understand what it's like to go through a breakup and I know he needs people there to support him and help him move on. For the first few days, starting Saturday, I was very patient with him, attempting to console him and provide him with advice to help him move on from her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice basically boiled down to cutting off contact with her, focusing on building himself up, and finding a hobby to help him take his mind away from the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's now Wednesday; he hasn't accepted my advice, but instead has been spiraling out of control. The incessant calls and texts did not stop between Saturday and now. Each time, I've attempted to repeat my advice to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the situation is severely testing my patience. His texts and calls are interrupting me at work, when I'm with my family, and when I'm spending time with my own girlfriend. It has been a week since the breakup, and I can't hold his hand forever. I'm getting very frustrated with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently my communication to him has been quite blunt and I feel bad. I've repeated to him dozens of times that he needs to cut off contact with her, but he's not listening to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last night he turned up unannounced to her house and her workplace. Thankfully, he went back home after I called him and calmed him down. I feel like he's going to be arrested if he continues down this path. I tried to tell him this, but he refuses to listen, rather saying things like &quot;I need to see her again, I need to be with her again&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's also begging me to speak with her and &quot;change her mind&quot;. Obviously, it's not my place to do this, and I barely know her (only having met her once). I told him this, but he continues to ask me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm at my wits end. His actions are cutting into mine and others lives and are becoming dangerous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to my friend that his actions are harmful and that he needs to pull himself together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Additional info:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm seeing him in person on Sunday. Unfortunately, I'm unable to meet with him any earlier as I'm very busy this week.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His ex-girlfriend ended the relationship. Based on the texts from her he's shown me, I believe the relationship is beyond repair.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His mindset about the situation is totally twisted. He truly believes she still wants him and is still in love with him and that she's confused and brainwashed by others.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17135" LastEditorUserId="17135" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T00:03:05.240" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T01:53:15.907" Title="How to help a friend through a rough breakup when his actions are testing the limits of my patience?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;helping&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17130" CreationDate="2018-08-01T07:52:01.360" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try to agree with the marketing department that you're happy for them to continue to use the fan in the &lt;em&gt;short term&lt;/em&gt; but point out to them that the heat problem in their offices is a problem between them and &lt;em&gt;their management&lt;/em&gt;. Find out what they're doing to address this problem &lt;em&gt;through the correct channels&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have they requested relocation/work from home during this period? Find out what they're doing to &lt;em&gt;properly&lt;/em&gt; address their problem, and ask them to acknowledge that, whilst &lt;em&gt;temporarily&lt;/em&gt; obtaining your fan during this period has allowed them to continue working, it should never have been viewed as a &lt;em&gt;permanent&lt;/em&gt; fix to the environmental issues within their office (I.e. even if you don't get it back for a couple of weeks, they cannot assume that the next time the temperature rises that they'll be able to assume a re-loan of the fan)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, try to get on their side as a &quot;us workers vs. the management&quot; rather than &quot;you vs. marketing department&quot; situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I realise that most of this answer is workplace oriented rather than IPS, per se, but I feel it's the &lt;em&gt;professional&lt;/em&gt; approach to take in a &lt;em&gt;professional&lt;/em&gt; workplace)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20514" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T07:52:01.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17180" CreationDate="2018-08-01T08:08:27.147" Score="71" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in your position but never in such an extreme case. You must understand that he is going through a tough emotional time and he isn't really thinking how it might affect your friendship. What worked for me was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Set clear boundaries with your friend. Don't answer texts and calls during work hours or quality time with your family or girlfriend. You can just return one call after work and address his texts that you received during the day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He should know you are there to support him but not available 24/7 to fill his emotional hole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to distract him. Constantly talking about the girl and the breakup doesn't really help him to move on. In my case, my friend was a passionate gamer so distracting him was pretty easy, I just suggested we play some new game together and he focused a lot of attention to that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some people self improvement activities work well after breakups. You can suggest to your friend to start going to the gym (go with him a few times if possible), pick up a new sport or hobby depending on his interests. Show him a way to make use of his free time so he doesn't obsess with the lost relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure he isn't doing something that will have strong negative impact in the long term. Some people might turn to alcohol or drugs in cases like this. Keep an eye out so your friend doesn't end up in a hole he can't get out of easily later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A little addition specifically for the face to face meeting.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest talk about anything but the breakup. Find some activity to do (Go carting, Paragliding, Bungee jumping, ect.). Focus all conversations about the future and dismiss any conversations about the Ex. Sometimes we need our friends to focus us on the future when we are stuck in the past.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="5330" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T15:33:43.627" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T15:33:43.627" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17130" CreationDate="2018-08-01T09:18:01.777" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Approach the testing guys about the potential of testing ~6 fans&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look up the price of buying 6 desk fans, maybe 2 large floors stand ones and some desktop ones, whatever works (about £100 in UK for basic stuff)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go to the managers and explain, it is hot, for £100 and 30 minutes of testing time, which IT had said they are willing to do, everyone could have some fans.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, as it is not a small company the £100 and 1/2 hour of employee time is not going to be a huge deal and the manager will agree.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking the test people first will mean you do not surprise them with extra work, which may be unwelcome.  Instead, you are offering them the opportunity to get a fan in return for some work.  If people can opt into a scheme or work package they are sometimes more positive about the work relating to it.  The possibility of getting something from the work and the act of being consulted makes them more likely to agree to the potential testing.  People who get consulted about their tasks can feel more empowered, valued for their opinions and will be in a more positive mind when presented with extra portentical work (so the chances of them accepting it increase).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This proposed set of actions would result in everyone getting a more comfortable summer.  People are usually more irritable when they are uncomfortable so inter-personal interactions should go smoother if everyone is more comfortable.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would stop being the special one with A/C &amp;amp; their own fan.  People can become jealous of someone that receive special treatment (as you hint at in your question).  By making the availability of fans universal, you will no longer be a target of fan envy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By helping get everyone fans you become the person who helped improve the level of comfort in the environment at work.  People are often grateful to those who improve their situation or environment.  This often means you receive nicer treatment from those who you aided.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By going to your managers with; an outline of the problem &quot;everyone is too warm&quot;, a potential solution &quot;fans would make people cooler&quot; and a plan for implementing that solution &quot;these would cost, they can be tested by X (who has said they could make time to do it), we can purchase them from...&quot; you stand a good chance of getting a positive result.  People who just bring up problems can be seen to be negative.  People who give solutions are positive and are considered nicer to deal with by many.  People who can take the initiative to work on a plan and costings for a solution can solve problems and keep the burden on management of coming up to the plan at a minimum, can be seen as helpful.  A helpful person is often more popular than an unhelpful one.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, you could ask Marketing to swap back your fan for an equivalent or better one.  You will have just bettered their conditions by providing a more agreeable temperature and making others in the workplace more comfortable and nicer to deal with too; this may make them more receptive to discussions.  If you can offer them a trade of equivalent or better value (i.e. a bigger fan) they are likely to take the good deal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13108" LastEditorUserId="13108" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T13:39:10.447" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T13:39:10.447" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17184" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17180" CreationDate="2018-08-01T10:14:05.923" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;After a breakup, a person has a huge gap in their life - also in his everyday life - to fill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, he is filling this gap (this energy) into drowning into self-pity. You need to guide his energy into doing new stuff. Like Ontamu said in his answer, going to the gym, doing sports or finding another hobby can be a good thing to start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to make him do that, you have to tell him crystal-clear, that with his current behaviour, he is making things a lot worse. Try to make him understand, that whatever he wants to accomplish, getting himself together is part of accomplishing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take him aside and make sure he understands that this is a serious and important conversation that you are about to have.&#xA;Tell him something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Okay now listen to me clearly. What do want to achieve? What is you goal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Him: I want her back/I want to forget her...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Okay. Then you need to get yourself together. Woman don't like weak men. Show the world, that you are a strong person. You have free time now, so get better at [Sports/Work/playing an Instrument] or travel the world. Make yourself desirable by standing your ground. Don't be needy...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main challenge is to motivate him to find new hobbies. Remember to tell him, that in his current state, contacting her is the worst thing to do and he should not contact her at all for at least a few months until his temper has calmed down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Time will fix the rest then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3438" LastEditorUserId="3438" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T13:19:29.947" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T13:19:29.947" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17180" CreationDate="2018-08-01T11:32:49.920" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like what Sheryl Crow said, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The first cut is the deepest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how much you tell him to go out and do things to keep his mind off of her, it probably won't work.  Instead I suggest that you let him feel the pain.  &lt;strong&gt;It's ok to spend some time to feel the pain of a breakup&lt;/strong&gt;, and it takes time before moving on.  When he says things like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;omg I just really need to be with her right now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;you could say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;yeah, it sucks to be going through this, and it'll take time before&#xA;  things get better&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By matching his unfiltered honesty, you're helping him a great deal and he'll appreciate it because he feels heard by someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take your friend out to parties or other social scenes where he can meet new people; perhaps he will meet a new girl to date, and this would be the best outcome for him and you, as it would help him to move on sooner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he plans on doing violent things, do not participate!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Warn him of the consequences (e.g. jail time, loss of job) and remind him that things will eventually get better, even though at the present moment, things may seem hopeless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20357" LastEditorUserId="20357" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T01:53:15.907" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T01:53:15.907" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17187" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17188" CreationDate="2018-08-01T11:36:53.990" Score="22" ViewCount="7565" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple of us are planning to visit the 9/11 Memorial in New York next month on September 11th itself; it would be our first time visiting the memorial. I want to be careful to not treat the event as some adventurous visit and to keep in mind that people are going there for a day of mourning and remembrance.  This might be easier said than done, since there is also a 9/11 museum there that we plan to visit too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And another thing that makes matters a bit more complicated is that 9/11 occurred almost 17 years ago now. For example, we could still say things like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry for the loss of your son.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't know if is that unnecessary or even discouraged at this point in time, in the year 2018. We want to be cautious of what we are saying, in order to show respect to the families and not inadvertently offend them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can we interact with the families that lost loved ones on 9/11 without offending?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never been to a place of mourning before—not a funeral, nothing—so I'm very inexperienced in such environments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20357" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T18:17:02.767" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T18:56:33.973" Title="Attending the 9/11 Memorial next month - how to interact with families that lost loved ones?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17187" CreationDate="2018-08-01T12:00:17.403" Score="77" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Disclaimer: I survived the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2016_Berlin_truck_attack&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;2016 Berlin truck attack&lt;/a&gt;. My mother and I survived but I saw people (strangers) die around me, which is still an unbearable pain. I went through therapy afterwards and I have no sequelae but it is still an unpleasant memory to recall.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'd suggest you do not express condolences&lt;/strong&gt;, unless you're actually discussing with someone who just told you they lost someone on September 11th.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who survive such traumatizing event are trying to do one thing: move on*. Though I'm sure your condolences are well-meant, this is not necessary: it is not likely to relieve their pain, and would only remind them of their loss. Some people like to talk about their experiences to help them grieve, so if someone prompts you or starts talking to you about theirs, you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how hard this must have been.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This polite way to respond also acknowledges the pain and grief the person must have been through, and does not call for further discussion if the person does not want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;*This obviously does not mean they forget.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="6826" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T16:23:06.350" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T16:23:06.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17187" CreationDate="2018-08-01T12:01:08.467" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Unless someone is extremely emotional (think crying uncontrollably) and vocal about it, I wouldn't bother anyone there.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not everyone there is mourning a dead relative, as many people go on the tour simply to see the devastation.  I actually went to the museum a couple years back, and I don't recall noticing anyone in uncontrollable hysterics while I was there.  There were a fair few placing flowers by someone's name on the memorial, but nobody stopped them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would think it would be rude if someone did so to a mourner who was being discreet about their grief.  It is a sad day for them, just let them be.  I can imagine they don't want to be stopped by hundreds of people who don't know them and the loss they suffered.  I was stopped by a couple of people when I readjusted some fallen flowers who said something like you said above, and I knew nothing about the person who's flowers I was adjusting.  They were fallen and I wanted to fix it out of respect, and I had a few awkward &quot;oh&quot;'s come my way after I explained this to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is, &lt;strong&gt;you don't know that much about them and their loss.&lt;/strong&gt;  Let them be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if someone &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; crying loudly and openly, by all means, give them a word of comfort if you can.  There will be a lot of people rushing to this person's aid, given the location and the circumstance, so you may not even get a chance to get close to this person.  The words you chose above are fine, but you may want to be a bit more ambiguous about this person and say something closer to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry for your loss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;unless you know the relationship this person has with the griever.  It would be pretty awkward to say something like &quot;I'm sorry for the loss of your son&quot; when it was their husband or father who died instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T12:01:08.467" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17075" CreationDate="2018-08-01T12:15:17.937" Score="1" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Who cares if she's not a rocket scientist.  It matters whether or not she has a good relationship with your BiL and they have a good base for a marriage. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;No one can ever really see into the depths of another person's relationship. There's always stuff, good or bad, going on that you can't see. So don't presume to know what their relationship is really like. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real concern/question is whether or not your BiL can be happy with a person who has the flaws that you see. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I think the way to do this is not by providing a direct opinion about her, but focusing on asking directed, thought provoking questions that will get your brother in law to probe the nature of his relationship with his girlfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like: &quot;I like her just fine. She seems nice and has lots of good qualities, like X, Y, and Z. But it's not really important what I think. What matters most is that you two have a solid basis for a real, fulfilling marriage.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you ask things like: Does she make you laugh? Are you interested in what she has to say? Do you think she'll be a good mom (if you have kids)? Do you think she'll be able to perform the duties associated with being in our famous family? Etc, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's rushing into it, asking these questions may make him slow down and think about whether he needs more time, or if she's the right person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he really knows what he's doing and the answers are all &quot;yes&quot;, then be happy your BiL has found a wonderful partner for him and start making her feel welcome in the family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20523" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T12:15:17.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17180" CreationDate="2018-08-01T13:34:01.380" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Firstly, let me say that you shouldn't feel bad for being blunt.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;It's tough being blunt to a friend at this time, but honestly, it's what they need.  Good job.  I've been your end with a family breakup, and while I thought I was blunt, my g/f at the time was brutal, and almost screamed she didn't want to hear about it any more, stop talking about it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, for the advice about the meetup, there's 2 things I'd stress.&#xA;Firstly, no alcohol.  He's clearly not got a clear head, and making it more fuzzy won't help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, he's going to try and steer conversation, repeatedly, to her; that's ok, let him talk about her, but don't ask questions about her (you can however ask about things about not her).  If he says &quot;what do you think&quot; - then just reply &quot;I think those messages made it clear it's over, and you're wasting your time thinking about it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2353" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T22:22:16.127" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T22:22:16.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17193" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17205" CreationDate="2018-08-01T14:15:04.773" Score="20" ViewCount="5994" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been living with my housemate for just over 3 years (June was the 3 year mark). She's female and I'm male. We haven't had any issues living together up until her and her boyfriend broke up in November last year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She went from being someone who sang my praises in social situations to making me out to be the proverbial bad guy. I have no idea what brought this on, and I broached the subject with her about a month ago and again this past weekend, but she doesn't think her behaviour has changed since the breakup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason they broke up was because she felt like she was always came 2nd to everything else in his life (surfing, working, cricket). I think she was hoping that if he knew she wasn't going to stick around, he'd make more of an effort. However, that wasn't the case and so she ended it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I'm not imagining any of it, so how do I resolve this in order to get things back to the way they were?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;@Spagirl&lt;/strong&gt;: I don't have a partner. I'm a bit of an introvert, so I generally don't make plans unless I'm invited out by my friends. This isn't to say I don't go out at all. I'll spend every second or third weekend relaxing at home. We're the only two in the flat. Home life since the breakup has consisted of her bringing home boys she's met on Tinder for one night stands (basically using Tinder for sex only). We mix our social engagements with friends...she'll invite me to a thing and vice versa.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On to the belittling: Jane (for all intents and purposes) has a tendency to exaggerate things when she's talking to people. She started telling her friends that I never leave the flat and that I'm a hermit. This didn't stop until she had told everyone she knew.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After New Year's, Jane made a resolution to eat more vegetables (i.e. green leafy vegetables). I eat most vegetables but I don't enjoy the greens apart from spinach. So we agreed to start cooking our own meals. One night Jane was making dinner for herself and I jokingly commented on the fact that she was making enough food to feed a small country. She got defensive and went on about how it's all healthy food etc., and then looked me straight in the eyes and said in all seriousness &quot;You eat like an actual c**t&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Around the same time, I started cooking enough meals on a Monday to last me the week. Jane started telling friends how I'd cook for the week, but made it sound like it was the wrong thing for someone to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There have been other smaller instances which I can't recall right now, but the most recent had to do with dirty dishes left by her friend who was staying with us before moving to India (it's very rare I leave dirty dishes in the kitchen). Jane blamed me for the mess and brought it up in two social settings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for those that haven't noticed the pattern, she keeps bringing up an issue until everyone knows I'm not a great guy, when in reality I'm a pretty standup person. I've been called a real gentleman by a number of women and more often than not I treat others with respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20526" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-28T16:29:19.493" LastActivityDate="2019-03-28T16:29:19.493" Title="How to deal with someone who belittles you in social situations" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17130" CreationDate="2018-08-01T14:29:13.513" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the upvoted answers here are already great, I won't retread the same ground; particularly, the top answer here already has to say what I would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I would like to add that you should apologize to the marketing team for the original request for the fan back. While, ethically, we can agree that it was your fan and you are well within your rights to ask for it back, doing so provoked an aggressive response from them. Because of that, your marketing co-workers might feel uneasy or worried that you're eventually going to try to take the fan from them, which could sow discontent among them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would be worth your while to go back to them and apologize and make clear that (if you do end up no longer pursuing the fan) you are not going to attempt to take it from them any longer and realize their conditions are unfavorable. In doing so, you can build rapport with them again, and they may recognize the favor you have done them (which they may not have made clear with their previous response).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially, apologizing may end up with you gaining some benefit out of this sticky situation: the benefit of a recognized favor from your co-workers, and rebuilt rapport with them. In the future, they may even return the favor in a way they are capable of; however, if they remain uneasy about your attempt to retrieve the fan, this may override their gratitude for the favor with disgruntlement from the possibility of losing their coolness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19133" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T14:29:13.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17193" CreationDate="2018-08-01T14:42:18.570" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would guess that her behavior stems from low self-esteem. Her boyfriend obviously did not care enough for her to change his ways, that must have hurt her self-worth. She gets sexual validation by her one night stands, but some people (31 is a bit old for that, but ok) also get validation from putting people down in front of others and you are an easy target. I assume she does not treat you badly when both of you are alone? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are not absolutely dependent on her or her friends I would start phasing out social activities with that group. It's very hard to mend bad impressions, especially if only one side of the story has been told. Her friends will probably notice her tendency to put you down and not approve, but I would not count on them reaching out to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try talking with her about this, it might just be a phase. Until then, limit your interactions with her and enjoy life with other friends!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8873" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T14:42:18.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17180" CreationDate="2018-08-01T15:38:56.723" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had a very similar experience in the past, a friend who went through a rough breakup and had trouble accepting it, getting self-pitying and pathetic about it. &quot;I'm dead without her&quot; world-ending gloom. that kind of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My strategy was to open up about my own relatively recent breakup, Describe the pain I felt, relate it to what he almost certainly is feeling, express that I have an intimate understanding for how he feels and that no matter how awful it feels &lt;strong&gt;it will get better with time&lt;/strong&gt;. I think the knowledge that I'd been through something similar, survived and prospered was a comfort in itself to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You're his friend, be kind, bring stability, but don't support him being a fool.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get the sense you're of a reasonable and kind temperament normally, that means his actions genuinely are worthy of being impatient about. This isn't a failing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Feel free to express the impatience you feel.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Showing that you're getting frustrated with him &lt;em&gt;but still willing to care for his wellbeing&lt;/em&gt; may help to throw his own behaviour into new light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't be afraid to be harsh if he's getting self-destructive.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If he's not listening to your reasonable advice, make him listen, because he needs to do so if he's not in control of his own faculties.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;He'll thank you later&lt;/strong&gt;, even if he curses and accuses you of being a jerk about it now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T15:38:56.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17198" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17169" CreationDate="2018-08-01T15:45:57.223" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;This behavior has gone well past the point where you can easily solve it on your own, at least not with words.  If your brother won't listen to you and your parents' legitimate concerns and frustrations, then you either need to kick him out of the house, or bring in outside help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention he is religious, does he attend any particular mosque or follow a particular religious leader?  If so, go to that person and ask for his advice and help.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I searched and found numerous examples of where Islam unequivocally requires a child &lt;em&gt;respect his parents&lt;/em&gt;.  Coming from you, this information might create an ugly situation, but he should receive it better if it comes from from a respected clergyman.  Clergy are often trained to mediate and resolve conflicts using scripture and other religious doctrine.  While you and your parents may not be of your brother's faith, it should be helpful to listen with an open mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is not an option, and asking him to move out is also not an option, then the best solution is to stop &lt;em&gt;enabling&lt;/em&gt; his abusive behavior.  Treat him as you would any child or young adult throwing a temper tantrum.  Keep calm and patient, but don't give in to his demands.  Explain to him, calmly, that it's not his house and it's not his rules.  If he wants to make the rules, he should go live in his own house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't get angry. &lt;em&gt;As long as he uses anger, undefined guilt, recrimination, and other childish tools as weapons against you&lt;/em&gt;, don't listen to anything he has to say.  Simply ignore him, or politely tell him that you're not going to obey his &quot;orders&quot;. His only choices are either find a way to live in harmony with the rest of you, or live somewhere else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That being said&lt;/strong&gt;:  If he becomes violent, or threatens any of you with physical harm, you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; consider calling the police to have him held for psychiatric evaluation.  I'm not saying this is true of your brother, but there are far too many cases where family resisted recognizing the warning signs until it was too late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-10T13:46:18.470" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T13:46:18.470" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17193" CreationDate="2018-08-01T16:27:22.740" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is not possible for you to get things back the way they were. This because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation with your housemate has changed. She has become critical of her partner and has ended the relationship. She has been changed by these actions, and it is too early to tell if the changes are permanent, but people change, and their actions and opinions change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have been living with this person for three years and that is as long as some marriages. You have fond memories, and were happy with the way that she described you to her social circle. But you are now unhappy with her descriptions of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is obvious that she takes you for granted - and undervalues you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to decide how you are going to make sure that you do not become her 'doormat'.  After all you are not married. So I advise that to correct this situation you have to re-order the relationship. Take her to task each time she speaks out of turn, even if it may cause arguments. You will only be seen as someone in her eyes if you make sure that does not get away with any more unfair or insulting treatment. You have nothing to lose, but you have your self respect to re-gain. Be fair, just do as you want around the place, leave a few dirty dishes and have that argument as well. You may come out of it with a better mutual understanding and a return to things as they once were. Being passive in this situation will not help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastEditorUserId="19168" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T16:38:41.100" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T16:38:41.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17201" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17203" CreationDate="2018-08-01T16:48:04.990" Score="4" ViewCount="532" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am meeting with a recruiter, and she is taking me to lunch (paid for by her company) at restaurant that is local to my company's location. She is unlikely to have a loyalty card at this place because her company is far enough away that it would not be a regular visit for her like it is for me and my coworkers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The day of the week we are meeting is the restaurant's weekly day that a loyalty card earns 10% off the total bill. Is there a tactful, not-greedy way to ask if I can use my card to save her money and earn me some points? The loyalty card is applied to the bill, so if she's paying it will still work to save her 10% of the price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20316" LastEditorUserId="2347" LastEditDate="2018-08-02T06:49:55.840" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T06:49:55.840" Title="How to ask if I can use a rewards/points card at a paid lunch?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;meetings&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17201" CreationDate="2018-08-01T17:07:50.280" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm almost certain the recruiter won't mind that you at least ask to use your loyalty card, and will probably be happy and grateful that you will be saving 10% off the bill. I would bring it up before you actually go to the place, as to avoid confusion and to give her a chance to make sure that it is allowed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't mention that you will gain points.&lt;/strong&gt;  While it may be likely that the recruiter will not care, there is a chance that she might think you are being greedy.  And besides, the 10% is a good enough reward as it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T17:07:50.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17180" CreationDate="2018-08-01T17:30:43.573" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me like his behavior splits really into three categories: normal mourning, seeking support, and stalking. These three behaviors should not be confused with each other and treated differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Mourning&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People vary enormously in their reactions to grief. Some move on almost immediately, some get a lot more attached and go through a long, painful process. Contrary to some of the other answers, I think if your friend is someone who takes loss very hard, its best not to try and force them to stop. The grief process is absolutely critical for some people to move on from a loss, and can be their way to get it out of their system permanently, even if this takes months to years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not feel you should attempt to force them to &amp;quot;move on&amp;quot;, instead simply try and ensure they remain as functional as possible, support them in normal daily activities such as going to work etc. The pain cannot really be avoided but one can minimize the damage caused by it as it runs its course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found more extreme reactions and more prolonged periods of pain tend to be more common in those who are young, or have not had many relationships in the past. I cannot give a certain reason but if your friend has only had a few past relationships it may be harder on them then for someone more experienced. Some people however will always react this way, and it is just part of who they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Excessive Support&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, I would say, allowing this friend to lean on you to that extent is actually non productive, they need to face their own grief rather than try and rely on others to momentarily feel better. This is not to say you should cut contact with them or ignore them entirely. But severely limit how much attention you give and how often. If you want them to avoid bothering you so much, do not allow it, either don't answer, or immediately end the conversation if they begin to rant about the situation or suggest ridiculous activities or wont stop talking about their pain&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note, there is a small chance they will do something self destructive. This possibility is really impossible to avoid entirely, the best you can do is listen to them when they do speak to you for any hints that they are seriously considering something dangerous, versus ranting from the pain. Nothing you can do will protect them entirely, this is just not possible, but attempt to be receptive if they reach out in a genuine crisis, though do not confuse this for their more normal clinging to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Stalking&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should not even be humored, this behavior is dangerous and possibly illegal. If they bring it up I would suggest making one or two statements about how dangerous or disgusting their suggestion is and if they continue, just end the conversation or hang up. This is likely more effective than trying to argue or reason with them as they are likely doing this exactly to get attention, either from the ex or you. Giving it will encourage the behavior. But do not hesitate to warn the ex or call law enforcement if you believe they pose a real or serious threat, it would be better they be caught early than having later done something illegal that they could end up regretting for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In Summary&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you can stop the reaction of grief. But you need to distinguish where it is going outside of grief, into stalking, dangerous behavior, or clinging, and react appropriately to each. You should also reduce how much they are able to contact you, by answering the phone or replying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally, don't expect this will end quickly, so make sure you are in a position you can withstand whatever compromise you come to long term. If that means much much less contact so be it, but don't wear yourself down to acting irrationally by being exposed too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3629" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T17:30:43.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17193" CreationDate="2018-08-01T17:43:06.500" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;As people have been stating in other answers, this definitely sounds like an issue of seriously low self esteem brought on by the breakup. If she was never receiving validation from her past relationship, she's attempting to receive validation from one night stands and putting you down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How To Approach Her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned how you attempted to discuss with her about her behavior change, but it seemed pretty unsuccessful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I broached the subject with her about a month ago and again this past weekend but she doesn't think her behaviour has changed since the breakup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approached her about &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; behavior changing, it's likely that she took this as a confrontation. If she's receiving validation from the Tinder hookups and her friends, then it's not surprising why she didn't empathize with your situation. After all, &lt;strong&gt;you're the bad guy, and why should she listen to you, right?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should still talk with her about her behavior, but frame it as how it affects you. A common approach is using &quot;I feel&quot; statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I feel belittled when you make me out to be a bad guy while we are out with your friends&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I feel unheard when you don't acknowledge how your actions are affecting my well-being and our friendship&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;I feel unwelcome at home when you blame/belittle me over small occurrences (like dishes, making food in advance, etc.)&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These help to shift the perspective of both her actions and the conversation about them from &quot;You've changed and your behavior is bad&quot; to &quot;Your actions have consequences and are affecting me and our friendship in a negative way.&quot;&#xA;However, it's important that you still listen to her and how she feels in order for the conversation to be productive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to Continue with the Friendship&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a tricky situation considering that you are flatmates, so she isn't exactly avoidable. However, completely trying to avoid her may just continue to validate her bad behavior, which is the &lt;strong&gt;last&lt;/strong&gt; thing she needs. By the sounds of it, your friend is still really hurting from the breakup. Burning bridges with friends and promiscuous sex are both incredibly self-destructive behaviors of a person who is trying to gain control back into their life. Having both experienced rough breakups from a first and third-person perspective, what someone &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; needs in that situation is a good friend to listen to them and support them in their time of hurt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I want to note that being nice to someone after they've been repeatedly treating you poorly is incredibly difficult. It's easy for me to sit here on IPS to tell you to &quot;turn the other cheek&quot;, but you are under zero obligation to show her civility and respect if they aren't reciprocated. &lt;strong&gt;If this friendship is becoming increasingly detrimental to your mental and social health, then you should consider distancing yourself from her, if not ending the friendship altogether.&lt;/strong&gt; Further, if you are financially able, you may need to consider other places to live if this behavior persists. If she asks why, break out your handy &quot;I feel&quot; statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope that you and her both receive the help you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastEditorUserId="1905" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T19:05:40.243" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T19:05:40.243" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11218" CreationDate="2018-08-01T18:48:11.800" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hate to answer at this late date. The wedding in question has certainly already happened (or not), so this answer will only be of use to other people finding themselves in a similar situation. However, I'm kind of amazed to see 18 answers here, and not one invoked the golden rule: &quot;&lt;strong&gt;He who has the gold, makes the rules&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, this really should have started when the list was 5 people, but its super important to pull the handbrake as soon as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look at it from &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; point of view. The larger the list gets, and the more its known to have grown to accommodate requests, the bigger the snub it will seem to those left out. Now it doubtless seems to family on both sides like some kind of special exclusive event, and &lt;strong&gt;wrangling an invite is a sign of how high your status is with the family&lt;/strong&gt;. In that environment, &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt; is going to feel a little put-down for not being an invitee. If the roles were reversed, you would too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question makes it clear that the financial cost is a large part of the concern. With that in mind, any in-person pressure to expand the guest list should immediately be responded to with an explanation that the current list is, sadly, all that can be afforded, but a cheerful offer to do so if the requester is willing to pony up the full cost of an expanded venue (for &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; affected events). This includes cancellation fees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they agree, great. You get the bigger wedding everyone seems to want. If (much more likely) they don't, well that's their decision. As long as on your end the conversation is always centered on the venue sizes and monetary limit, it should be very difficult for anyone to continue to insist you spend more, and much easier for you to stand firm if they are so crass as to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastEditorUserId="5047" LastEditDate="2018-08-01T19:08:23.920" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T19:08:23.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17193" CreationDate="2018-08-01T18:58:47.267" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She went from being someone who sang my praises in social situations to making me out to be the proverbial bad guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason they broke up was because she felt like she was always came 2nd to everything else in his life (surfing, working, cricket) and I think she was hoping that if he knew she wasn't going to stick around, he'd make more of an effort but that wasn't the case and so she ended it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... she doesn't think her behaviour has changed since the breakup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... how do I resolve this in order to get things back to the way they were?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask why previously she was positive about you and now it's your opinion that she is critical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it that she thinks you've gone downhill, how does telling her circle of friends instead of discussing this with you lead to an improvement in the situation at your shared home - does she expect her friends to break the news to you or does she think that they appreciate gossip and oneupmanship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would seem she has had disagreement with two people close to her, the ex boyfriend and you - is it both of you or her, we can't guess if what her friends like most about her is that she gossips and puts people down, probably they don't like that and wouldn't want to be the subject of it behind their backs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A reasonable and non-blaming tone is the way forward, try to determine the justification for her point of view. Is there something else unsaid or is it that she feels you have such poor judgment that she needs to vilify you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another question is &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; do you need this, what attracted you together as roommates, do the original reasons remain?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A roommate that has your back and a friend that you can rely on is better than living with someone whom makes poor choices. Perhaps there is an advantage living with someone else or alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Breakups can be difficult and affect people in illogical ways, you want to be understanding and avoid &lt;em&gt;breakup&lt;/em&gt; with your roommate; commendable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another consideration is what do your female friends (or new acquaintances you date) think of you having a female roommate, one whom goes on what you described as 'Tinder dates' - you might be sabotaging your own social life in more ways than one (her friends will think of you as 'that guy' Jane is always telling us about; and your friends, new and old, will say you're the guy that lives with Jane, it's a 'partial package' deal).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to have a lot of female friends and enjoyed their company greatly, we got along without the problems that you mentioned. The two reasons I don't hang out with them anymore is because they married some guy I don't know and new females I meet question 'what is my history with all these other women' - sometimes it comes a time for change when things are OK, more often it's a time for change when things are unfavorable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T18:58:47.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17211" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17193" CreationDate="2018-08-01T19:36:32.057" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;At this point in time, it seems like your friend is lashing out from her &quot;recent&quot; (not so recent) breakup. I would say confront her and try to calmly communicate with her asking her how she's been, is everything okay (work life and personally), have you been talking to anyone lately, etc. Get her to start talking to you about herself. It's been said that people love to talk about themselves and I've yet to really see otherwise. Make sure you're welcoming and the conversation is a 'hey, haven't talked to you in a while lets catch up.' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can even suggest to go grab coffee at a cafe, this provides for a neutral setting that doesn't have all the negative vibes your apartment has. I would highly suggest this as your apartment space is not neutral and is a place from which she's nit-picking your behavior against you (in a sense, she 'has the upper hand here').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By getting her to open up, she might divulge what's actually going on and at the least you might have a broad perspective of what's going on in her head, it's applying psychology to your questions and your analysis of her responses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HOWEVER, if she continues to lash out at you then well you have what I would believe to be three options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her to put a sock in it and that you know she's going around shaming you and slandering your name to all your friends because she failed to keep a boyfriend (This is confrontational and an extreme AND something you should do only if you're comfortable with it). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;in this case you're calling out her behavior, hopefully it deters her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell her to stop or your friendship is over (ultimatum)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ghost her and move out (this is if your living situation is too toxic to live in anymore)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would honestly, do 3 since I've had toxic situations with roommates before and it only festers unless it gets settled. But girls are petty (I am one just to reference) and they're bitchy and 7/10 it gets worse than it would get better. And I wish in my cases I had moved out sooner rather than endure the environment I was in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20543" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T19:36:32.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17193" CreationDate="2018-08-01T19:59:20.317" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your roommate's behavior, as you describe it, can be interpreted as passive aggressive (sometimes transitioning into active, I suppose :)), which usually means that the person has an issue with you about something you did, but it's not anything the are actually &quot;attacking&quot; you about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your roommate's aggressive behavior appears to have been triggered by a breakup, it might be that she's mad at you about not receiving sufficient emotional support from you that she was counting on. Or maybe you provided it but not the way she wanted you to, for example by giving a &quot;fix it&quot; type of advice (the way guys often do :)), which usually perceived as uncaring. You've also mentioned how her lifestyle changed since the breakup and it is possible that she feels that you are judging her for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I'm just guessing here, but this might explain her &quot;hostile&quot; attitude towards you. In all likelihood, if you've done any of those things or something similar, you probably didn't even notice it and didn't mean it the way she took it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you're the one suffering right now, but if you want to preserve (or restore) your friendship you'll have to be patient and &quot;put yourself in her shoes&quot; while thinking back to the point when this whole trouble started and try to imagine what was she going through and what role you might have played in it. In any case, empathy is the key in trying to understand and reach her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13691" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T19:59:20.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17214" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12038" CreationDate="2018-08-01T20:32:05.327" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to expand on Galastel's comment. This sort of thing occurred with my grandmother as she got older and really reached a peak when she reached her 80s. It is true that older people get depression at decently high rates, both because of physical issues and social ones. For my grandmother it was both, she was getting weaker/sicker so had to move in with us, and because of that she was losing contact with a lot of her friends and loosing her ability to live her life as she pleased. Because of the depression she started lashing out in sometimes very hurtful ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What solved the problem for my Nana was to see a psychiatrist who prescribed a mild dose of an antidepressant. Afterwards her mood and attitude improved greatly. She has always been somewhat crotchety so it's not like she is all smiles, but the angry outbursts subsided. We even got proof recently that the meds were working, because she started having fits of anger last year until we realized she had started taking something that interfered with the antidepressant. A small medication adjustment had her back to her normal self.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know not everyone is fond of this kind of solution, but it has improved her quality of life and has prevented her from alienating the entire family as your Nanna seems about to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my household it was easy to broach the subject with her because she lived with us and my parents already were very involved with her health. I do not know how you would go about approaching this with her. Especially since she doesn't live anywhere near you. Perhaps people in the comments could suggest ways of approaching this topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might say a direct approach, but she already feels like the victim so I doubt telling her to see a therapist would help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5682" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T20:32:05.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17130" CreationDate="2018-08-01T22:37:54.223" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is there any chance that you might be able to switch to working evenings or nights during the rest of the heat wave? If this would be a problem for team collaboration, discuss the idea with your team and see if some or all of them would be willing to shift working hours for this short period of time. I realize it won't be an option for every team or on a regular basis, but to deal with a temporary heat problem, it could be the best solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what many construction crews do during heat waves in the hotter regions of the US. The work still needs to get done, but the heat is too dangerous for the workers in the mid-day sun. So instead of taking off until the heat wave is over, they will wait to begin the work day until the evening or even after the sun has gone down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's still hot enough at night that you would like to have your fan, you should be able to take it back, and lend it back to the marketing department during the day. You should tell the marketing department about your plan, though. Tell them that if you forget to return it for their shift, they're welcome to come borrow it off your desk, as you'll be at home during the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under the circumstances, I think this is the closest thing to a compromise you're going to find. I agree with other answers that the best course of action is to get management to provide a better solution to the heat wave, but if that's not possible, seek out any solution you can to keep yourself cool or avoid being there during the hottest part of the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16165" LastActivityDate="2018-08-01T22:37:54.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17218" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-02T01:13:15.323" Score="4" ViewCount="2380" Body="&lt;p&gt;Apologies for a strongly truncated backstory, but stackexchange wouldn't let me post it, claiming it was spam.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 24, my girlfriend's 25. She's my first girlfriend, she's had boyfriends before me. We've been together for 3 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, it seemed like a good, healthy relationship thus far. We rarely had fights, lots of small problems we could clear by talking things out. However, one reoccurring subject seems to never be solved: She wants me to spend more time with her. That looks like a reasonable request to me, because I work a lot to get my degree in a scientific field. (She doesn't have regular work.) My issue is that for some reason, she never can tell me  when she's unhappy with how much time we spend together; this problem always leads to explosions and drama and crying and all that. This happened 3-4 times so far. &#xA;Every time, I explained that I sometimes just don't notice that she's not happy with how things are going. She always seemed happy, or can tell me what's making her unhappy, apart from this bloody issue. I explained that I need her to tell me when she's not satisfied, and that I need to count on her to do that. I can't read minds. But it didn't seem to bear any fruit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two weeks ago, we got into a big fight. In short, she got in a fight with my brother, where he clearly messed up, but later on sincerely apologised. We were not in our home town, but a place where it's nice to spend your holidays. I had two weeks of school there, those two and others were there to relax.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next day, she left back home. She texted me when she was sitting on the bus already, and I got lucky that I went on a small field trip with the school that I was close to the train station so that I could meet her before she left. She did however promise to come back the following week with her sister without me asking, a promise she wouldn't keep, and later told me she never intended to keep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For two days, she didn't contact me. I believed that she wanted some distance, so I waited for two days before texting her. As usual when drama is unfolding in our relationship, she didn't want to talk or text about it, but only in person. She wanted me to &quot;think of her for a change and try to understand her&quot;. However, she wouldn't tell me anything. I didn't know for sure what was going on with her. She made a few comments  (if you really need to know what, I'll provide it) that led me to believe that she wanted to break up with me. My brother and a more experienced friend confirmed my conclusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A week later I returned home, missing the last couple of days of school, to talk things out with her. It was a nasty talk at first, where she accused me of some horrible things that were demonstrably wrong. In essence, she accused me of doing nothing for our relationship, while she's being the one doing everything and carrying this relationship. And some other things I'll omit for now. She told me that she'd expected me to protect her, and felt unprotected.  She also admitted that my reaction on that day destroyed her image of me being a white knight on a noble steed. She couldn't explain to me, at all, why she wouldn't want to give me any hint on what's going on inside her, all the while demanding that I understood her and empathise with her. I even offered to give her a call, and just let her talk and say whatever she wants to say, while I said nothing and just listened. She couldn't tell me why she wouldn't take me up on that offer; &quot;Others talked me into it&quot; is all she could tell me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following the advice of a female friend of mine, I suggested that my girlfriend and I get some distance and cool off. We agreed to meet this Friday, which will be a week after out last talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of things she said and did hurt me deeply, and I feel that it created a distance between us. &#xA;On top of that, I don't think that she has any intentions to reconcile things with my brother. I'm aware they won't be best buddies, but I want them to at least be able to be in the same room at the same time.&#xA;Also her parents, as she tells it, quite dislike me now. She lives with them, and I'm not comfortable visiting or  spending a night in a house where I'm not welcome.&#xA;Furthermore, apparently she had some image of me in her head, which now is no more, so I can't help but wonder whether she was in a relationship with me or that image of hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But most troublesome of all to me is that it seems to me like my biggest mistake was treating her like an adult, mature woman. I can't trust her to express her discomfort with our relationship, it looks like I'll have to dig to get her to tell me some things. I don't understand this, because for some things she seemingly has no trouble at all expressing her unease with. I also ask her almost daily how she is, and how things are going for her. And we went over this subject multiple times.&#xA;And when the fight broke out, apparently she expected me to not get emotional to her making me choose between her and my brother, as I see it to treat her like a child who still doesn't know how to deal with emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what I'd like advice on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;is it usual/common in a relationship to have to go out of my way to find out whether my girlfriend is unhappy with something in our relationship?&lt;/strong&gt; Am I setting unrealistically high standards by not wanting to have to do that?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I prefer an analytical and logical approach to problem solving, and can't deal with what seems like a purely emotional reaction that she exhibits in such cases. I don't know what's going on, what happened nor what to do. &lt;strong&gt;Is there a chance in the future that she'd be able to meet me halfway across and at least give me hints of what is going on inside her in such cases?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, assuming we agree to try and fix this mess we're in. &lt;strong&gt;How would I/we go on about mending our relationship?&lt;/strong&gt; I know that for me, this relationship can't continue in this manner. But I have no idea where or how to start mending. There is a lot of hurt and pain present on both sides, I'll have to somehow also mend relations with her parents, and she with my brother (at least to some degree). The main point remains that I need to trust her to talk to me when something's wrong, but I'm not even sure I currently trust her words at all.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Edit&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been asked to limit my post to one question, so here's me trying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I can see, the main issue is that in this situation, both she and I were communicating in ways the counterpart didn't understand. &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a way that this might improve in the future? Will I have to constantly explicitly ask her about her feelings towards our relationship for as long as it holds?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20548" LastEditorUserId="20548" LastEditDate="2018-08-02T14:45:37.727" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T14:45:37.727" Title="My girlfriend wants me to parent her?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-08-02T05:42:10.120" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17201" CreationDate="2018-08-02T02:27:40.927" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;How can you ask? - Simply mention that you have a loyalty card for the place, it will save 10% off the bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now what is her answer to be, surely it must be &quot;yes&quot;; or she will explain why it is &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt; to spend a particular amount in order to avoid a clawback such a &lt;em&gt;savings&lt;/em&gt; would be unwelcome. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if her boss takes her there for a annual meet-the-boss lunch or they happen to be in the area, would the boss expect that she would offer her card, and her not connecting this (and not having a card) fails to do so, secretly souring the lunch and meet-and-greet ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are old friends with the recruiter I see no problem brining this up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not quite that close you don't want to make &quot;yes&quot; a forced answer or &quot;no&quot; a difficult explanation - is it for her benefit (no, she's not paying), it's for your benefit; if her boss is a penny pincher they'll likely appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's somewhat comparable to going on a first date and pulling out coupons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nickel and diming is usually best kept out of business discussions as a general rule. Example: You're in an interview and after running the gauntlet they ask what you expect to be paid, you make a fair offer to which they ask if you'd accept a dollar an hour less; sure, for half the workload ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can you gain versus what can you lose. If you gain 10 points is it worth 10¢?, if there's anything &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt; with the idea it's likely to cost more than 10¢, if you're good friends I foresee no problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking is easy, when paying the bill comes up simply say you have a loyalty card that would entitle her to 10% off - how this works out is another matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T02:27:40.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17218" CreationDate="2018-08-02T02:40:52.810" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;From personal experience,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It isn't very unusual for couples to take extra effort to find out if their partner is unhappy or angry about something. I often have to ask my GF multiple times &quot;what's wrong&quot; to get a definite answer.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The way to make her tell you more or open up isn't to tell her she should, you have to make yourself more approachable, that being said, &quot;being approachable&quot; is subjective and since you know your gf best, only you can be the judge of what that means.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;your last query is abit of a bummer because i don't think any one here has &lt;strong&gt;the answer.&lt;/strong&gt; Hard to give you something for this.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T02:40:52.810" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17222" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-02T05:18:09.487" Score="16" ViewCount="8649" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend's family moved to the US about 2 years ago to escape their home country (which is going through political and economic turmoil) to start over. Her mom sells insurance, and her dad works in IT.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend (17) is the eldest of her siblings. She has a brother who we'll call Sebastian, and a sister who we'll call Valeria.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been dating for a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have strong reason to believe her parents have an emotionally abusive relationship with my girlfriend and her brother Sebastian, which has gotten physical at times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many times have I witnessed them lie blame on and guilt trip her for issues that aren't her fault, minimize her problems and make her feel sorry for trying to tell them about issues she's dealing with, deny or change promises they've made previously, and give little to no trust with no reasoning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The result is a seriously damaged self-image, almost constant self-loathing, depression, not being able to stand up for herself, and giving up on any help fairly easily. She is constantly apologizing for herself, saying that she is a bother or that she is abusing her relationship with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They aren't the most responsible parents either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just recently, her dad and uncle could have gotten in serious trouble while driving drunk. Her uncle had fallen asleep at the wheel. Luckily, nobody was hurt and the car was fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What makes matters worse is that her dad on multiple occasions has driven her family while drunk.  If caught (especially with her and her siblings in the car), it could ruin everything they've worked for in the past two years as they dont have their citizenship status yet and a charge like that (DUI with minors in the car) could result in deportation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Examples of Unhealthy Behavior in the Relationship&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past, her parents have looked at pictures of her on social media (Instagram &amp;amp; WhatsApp) and criticized her appearance, pointing out specific features and saying that she looks ugly or unattractive. She now has no posts on her instagram, her whatsapp pic isn't even her anymore, and she has very low confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her parents are constantly asking her for money she gets from her job, which is somewhat understandable since they send some of it to the family she has left in her home country. The issue is they get upset if she uses her money to buy things she needs or wants (clothes, food, makeup) and they also complain when she doesn't have any money left to save.  They've also threatened to make her quit her job if she doesn't pay them. Her parents also seem to want 100% control over what she wears, what she does to her hair, and what she buys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They only trust her/us when it's convenient for them. For example, if they've forgotten to pick her up or they know they'll be really late, and if I'm with her I'm allowed to drive her. Otherwise, they'll go out of their way to make sure she's never in my car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We FaceTime pretty often and on two or more occasions her parent's have punished her saying that she was changing or was indecent in front of me (which was not true, she left me in the other room). Both occasions where based off of dramatic assumption and she was punished without need for proof. The first time it happened her mom told the rest of her family and she was so embarrassed she cried herself to sleep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently she wanted to go to a concert with me.  She bought tickets for both of us and I was gonna pay her back with some money from my next paycheck.  Her mom told her to buy a ticket for her (since she obviously doesn't trust us) and said that she would also pay her back.  Now, when my girlfriend is asking her mom to pay her back, her mom scolded her and told her she was an &quot;ungrateful child&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her mom has also said to her in the past &quot;Your life does not belong to you, your life belongs to me&quot;, &quot;You could never live without me&quot; and other similar phrases of unhealthy dominance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend has realized that some of the things her parents do are not right, but she has become so used to the way they treat her that she thinks most of these things are normal in a parent/child relationship. How can I help her see that these behaviors from her parents are unhealthy and also help her defend herself from verbal attacks and manipulation from her parents?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What We've Tried&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has tried confronting her parents over problems she's dealt with and they continue to mock/mimic her or call her crazy or delusional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried to be there to listen to her and be that shoulder she can lean on when things get really rough with her parents. I remind her that what they're saying holds no actual truth and that she has never been annoying/bothersome. I am also constantly reassuring her and reminding her that she is intelligent, talented, and beautiful and that she is her own person (she would be able to live without her parents/they don't own her).*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*I've seen improvement with her self-image and confidence though the timespan of our relationship; however, quite often she'll fall back into that cycle of self-loathing and feeling helpless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have provided more information as well as an unfortunate update in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/17562/how-do-i-help-my-girlfriend-get-out-of-this-dangerous-situation-with-her-parents&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt; question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;--&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you to everyone that can help (and that has helped thus far)!  I really appreciate it!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20550" LastEditorUserId="20550" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T04:02:47.950" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T15:18:24.077" Title="How do I help my girlfriend defend herself against manipulative parents?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17218" CreationDate="2018-08-02T05:43:15.140" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;This will very likely be closed soon, but I'm feeling generous, and I've been there and done that, so here goes...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're both showing your age here. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. Pulling the &quot;you're emotionally immature, and I'm the logical one&quot; is a pretty common thing that younger guys do to younger women, and it's not great. You're both emotionally immature. It's a part of dating in your early years, and as I fully remember, that's rough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's unpack that a little bit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She wants a partner that doesn't need to be told that certain things are upsetting. Like it or not, that's a completely reasonable thing to expect. I'm sure that you expect the same from her, just with &lt;em&gt;different certain things.&lt;/em&gt; I'm sure that you have things that just seem obviously wrong, unpleasant, and upsetting to you; everyone does. Things that if they were to happen you'd feel upset about, and would probably feel more upset if you had to explain them to your partner. Dig deep, everyone has them. If you repress your emotions think of something more extreme - imagine that she crashed your car, and didn't understand what the big deal was... I know you're saying that that's different, and it obviously is. She probably wasn't raised with that whole toxic &quot;boys don't cry&quot; thing, so she probably reads and responds to emotional stimuli better than you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, you expect your partner to clearly communicate what's going on with them. This is also a completely reasonable expectation. Healthy communication is a cornerstone in every healthy relationship. Being able to take a step back and really talk to your partner in a way that works for the both of you is really very important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is... This is clashing with her expectation of not needing to explain why certain things are upsetting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been there and done that. I've been the logical, rational one, who was oh so frustrated with a girl for being too emotional. But... Looking back, that's not really the whole truth. The reality was that I was being emotionally tone deaf, she wasn't communicating in ways that made sense to me at the time, and it was easier for me to claim the higher ground than admit that we probably needed to meet in the middle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be that guy. You're not more mature because you were taught to repress emotions. You're just as immature and messed up as she is, just a different kind of messed up and immature. Learn from it, be willing to grow as a person, and as a partner, and even if this particular relationship doesn't work out, you'll be better for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-08-02T11:02:04.190" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T11:02:04.190" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17180" CreationDate="2018-08-02T09:13:40.840" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your last sentence:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He &lt;strong&gt;truly believes she still wants him and is still in love with him&lt;/strong&gt; and that she's confused and brainwashed by others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems to be the main issue. Once you break this thought pattern, his mind will be free to move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next Sunday (when you will talk to him directly) ask him for proofs that his belief is true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;likely there will be no logical reasoning behind it and if so suggest him to stop stalking her: make it clear that it is what he is doing, it is a purely selfish gesture, it may get him in legal troubles and, consequently, it may get you in trouble as well (since you are helping him). Therefore you will refuse to communicate entirely with him if he chooses to keep on this path.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if he provides some reasoning though, focus on these points exclusively: figure out if they are not gestures of kindness made by his ex in an attempt to lessen the separation burden. If you think there is a second chance based on these, suggest him to take a different approach: ask him to not contact her at all. If those beliefs were true, she will eventually contact him back.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12311" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T09:13:40.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17227" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17502" CreationDate="2018-08-02T10:02:05.823" Score="9" ViewCount="1423" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suppose this might be a tough one, but this community has proven to be able to come up with good answers far beyond my imagination, so I'll give it a try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob and Alice have been married for two years, now, and they have a small child together. Alice had (and still has) an affair and a couple of one nights stands. Bob found out (about the affair), Alice wants to get separated and divorced. They're both practising Christians and Bob refuses to accept their separation and divorce for religious reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob argues that is against God's will that they be divorced. Unless he (i.e. Bob) actively releases her from that marriage, he is not allowed to have sex with another woman - even if Alice would give him explicit &quot;permission&quot; (which she does). He is using this to put pressure on her implicitly stating that he will suffer until the end of his life because of &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;. Of course he also refuses to officially &quot;release&quot; her because he is convinced that it his obligation to bring her back on the right path instead of (him) just running away. His only options are to continue to live in marriage or - as he calls it - war! There's nothing in between! He is aware that their child will likely suffer from that, but that's only because it's parents are separated and it's mother refuses to do God's will. He keeps quoting the Bible and searching for &quot;qualified papers&quot; that support his position ignoring anything else. Anyone not explicitly sharing his point of you is at least an idiot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I'm looking for&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal is to help my friends settle their differences in a peaceful way so that they both can be happy and provide a nice upbringing for their child.&lt;/strong&gt; At the moment, my friendship to Alice is &lt;strong&gt;much&lt;/strong&gt; better and I'm afraid she's the only one willing to listen to me and actually trying things I may advice. However, I'm always open for suggestions on how to approach Bob, although I'm convinced that this will be really, really hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will give you some more background information - read as far as you think is necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What caused their separation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After about two years of marriage things between them got troublesome. Most of my knowledge is from Alice who talks quite openly to me about anything. I have no reason to believe she's (intentionally) lying to me but I am aware that her position is - of course - biased. Knowing both of them I find most of what she's saying at least highly plausible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice felt neglected by Bob. It's true, he has a very demanding job, but he prefers to &quot;relax&quot; a few hours a day in front of his computer rather than spending some time with his wife (or child). They had sex (obviously), but less than once a month and to him it was more like a &quot;let's get over it&quot; thing. He neither seemed to really enjoy it nor was concerned about whether his wife did so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bob's personality/background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob is in his early fourties (like me) and he has been one of my best friend for more than twenty years! In our twenties we both had relationships that lasted few years. We were both engaged - and we both separated before getting married or having kids. My separation was mostly consensual - it simply didn't work - while he got cheated on. We're both Christians and we spent a lot of time discussing religious topics always in an &quot;academic&quot; style - we were not praying together, for example. Up to a year ago or so I thought the way we think about &quot;being Christian&quot; were not equal, but at least similar. I tend to be a bit more liberal, he's sometimes slightly more conservative and &quot;dedicated&quot;, but that's about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob is very, very self-confident. What he says is right and no one should dare challenge his position. (It's not that he's getting angry, though, but rather ignorant.) This goes as far as saying a bunch of psychiatrists are idiots unwilling to diagnose Alice with borderline personality disorder - which he is convinced she has - for reasons he can't really explain. He very rarely makes mistakes. Further, admitting having made a mistake and perhaps even apologizing is even more rare. It is my impression that he is truly convinced he's right and always has been rather than secretly knowing he's wrong but not admitting it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Alice's personality/background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice is almost 20 years younger than Bob, very good looking with a &quot;troublesome&quot; personality. She has been (and still is) in psychiatric treatmend for anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder. Regardless, they got married within a year, moved out of town together and now have a child. I have become a very good friend of Alice and at the moment my friendship to her is even stronger while I feel somewhat &quot;alienated&quot; when it comes to Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During her youth, Alice was quite uptight about sex - partly because a some &quot;incident&quot; in the past. This is when she got to know Bob. It seems she's over it, now, and she loves and enjoys sex more than anything else. She really wants to try things, experiment... You get the point. Bob was open for none of those things so she began looking for it somewhere else and started an affair - which she is still in - plus a couple of one night stands. Of course Bob found out and as a consequence she began to force a separation and things got dirty. Bob was calling Alice a slut on just about every occasion - even in front of &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; parents - while Alice made Bob move out of the apartment. While Alice feels guilty she is convinced that she had absolutely no alternative other than doing what she did unless she wanted to &quot;make her whole life a complete and utter misery&quot;. Bob is absolutely certain that he has done nothing wrong and even if there was some slight mistake on his side, his wife has to tolerate that and do her &quot;duties&quot; in their marriage - which of course includes monogamy and obedience when it comes to his (sexual) needs. (He's not assaulting her, though.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Further updates&lt;/strong&gt; (This is where I may add things that happened in the meantime if I think they might be important)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob announced that even if Alice returns to him he won't ever even touch her again, because she is &quot;unclean&quot; now and will be for the rest of her life. If she doesn't return, he will do his very best to make Alice's life as miserable as he can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3310" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T14:02:12.553" LastActivityDate="2018-08-11T05:33:49.137" Title="How to help/advise a separated couple find an agreeable solution that does the least harm to their child during their turmoil?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17229" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17234" CreationDate="2018-08-02T11:55:45.473" Score="10" ViewCount="1982" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine, let's call him Bob, is in a relationship with a girl, Sarah. He is 24, she is 19. They live together with her 4 year old child. They often struggle financially and I, as I'm better off financially, try to help where I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sarah has now repeatedly asked me for help with Bob, as he is reeeeeeally lazy. He does next to nothing in the household, leaving all chores to Sarah. &lt;br&gt;When she brings up specific things she told him to do, which he didn't, he gets defensive and offended. We're talking about small things here, like washing some dishes, close the shutters etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As if this wasn't enough already, he tends to be manipulative, trying to make her feel guilty for pressuring him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first ~10 months they lived together, he didn't have any money and did not try to find a job or anything. He really hasn't got his life under control. Luckily, he has got a full time job for about a month now. She lives on welfare as she has to take care of her son. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think his behaviour is unacceptable and needs changing, but I'm reluctant to speak to him, as I'm afraid he will just get offended again and nothing will change. And even if I get him to agree with me, the past has shown that this will not help much and not for long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I tell him that his behaviour will cost him his girlfriend, in a way that he will at least try to act on it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4415" LastEditorUserId="4415" LastEditDate="2018-08-02T12:13:50.060" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T22:38:48.607" Title="How to talk to friend about changing his behaviour towards his girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="14" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17229" CreationDate="2018-08-02T14:34:46.877" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she is at wit's end and I am one of the few persons, Bob takes advice from, I feel obligated to help her and him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listening to your advice is an additional advantage that his girlfriend may have lost already. However, if you mention that you talked to her about their household problems he may see that as a back-stab or side-picking and you may lose that advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could mention your last encounter with her and describe how she seemed sad, or exhausted, or exasperated, or [other descriptive adjective] in order to make him realize that his help is really needed to alleviate her burden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he mentions again that you or her are pressuring him, you can let him see the whole picture: &quot;a woman taking care of an household by herself, another adult (food/clothes), and a baby without being rewarded the entire time will eventually deplete her entire energy. It seems to me like a dead-end to any relationship, but that's your call to make&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also focus some questions on her son, in order to understand how much interaction he has with him and to point out that at this age (4 y.o.) he requires a lot of attention, not just for food and hygiene but for playtime as well. Example: &quot;it can be surprisingly fun to play with kids this age, or even helping them out in various tasks, they will remember you for a lifetime... They will also never forget about you if you decide to ignore them (blaming you for their screwed up childhood when they grow up).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12311" LastEditorUserId="12311" LastEditDate="2018-08-02T14:41:32.320" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T14:41:32.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17235" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17252" CreationDate="2018-08-02T14:35:49.333" Score="18" ViewCount="1343" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am the kind of person that is quiet until I feel welcomed in a group of people, and even then, I still am relatively quiet until spoken to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Important information to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am deaf with cochlear implants. The cochlear implants are hidden beneath my long hair. I understand a person if the room is relatively quiet, the person speaks clearly, and if I understand the topic well enough to make guesses towards what the other person might say next.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Background noise, like other members of the group chatting, exacerbate the difficulty of understanding one person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am thinking of a situation where more than three people are present, all are hearing, and all do not know sign language enough to be able to communicate with me directly using sign language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;When you say that you need time until you feel welcome, how long does that usually take?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me personally, it does not take long. Feeling comfortable in a group can take one to three group meetings, and might even take only one, if the group is especially compatible. (Easy to understand, understanding people, we are respectful of each other, knowledgeable about whatever we talk about, and relatable to each other by experience, age, knowledge, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I make it known to the group that I need a little more patience to communicate with?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-09-10T22:58:55.643" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T22:58:55.643" Title="How do I make it known to a group of friends that I need a little more patience to communicate with?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17237" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-02T15:41:28.947" Score="77" ViewCount="22691" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently broke up with a guy (let's call him Tom) that I had only been casually dating for a couple months. During this time, I had what I thought was simply a crush on a co-worker for a while, but realized my feelings were stronger for the co-worker than Tom and decided to break things off. When Tom and I broke up, I simply told him that I lost feelings for him (which was true) without telling him I liked someone else just so I didn't hurt him more. But eventually, he asked if there was someone else and I wanted to be transparent and honest because I felt he deserved that much respect and told him about the feelings I had for this co-worker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I still wanted to remain on good terms with Tom because we were friends before we dated. I understand that's difficult right after a break up so I gave him his space. Yesterday, he asked me if I was going to pursue a relationship with this co-worker. I was shocked that he asked and asked why it mattered to him. He didn't respond but told me if I dated this co-worker it would be as bad as cheating on him because I thought about him during our relationship. He also said he would not remain friendly with me unless I did not date said co-worker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel bad for hurting Tom and don't want to hurt him more by dating this co-worker but at the same time, I really like this person and don't want to feel like I can't do something because my ex-boyfriend is telling me not to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I tactfully communicate with Tom that what he's saying is out of line or that he cannot control the decisions I make?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user19898" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-02-10T16:56:08.857" Title="How to tactfully communicate with ex-boyfriend about my personal choices?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-02T15:55:21.650" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're going to have to just say it.  There is nothing you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; do to ease him into it.  Hiding the fact that you are dating or something else like that would possibly hurt Tom even more than if you were honest, if he found out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him exactly what you said in your question.  &quot;What you are saying is out of line and that you cannot control the decisions I make.&quot;  If he gets angry about it and won't talk to you, then that's his problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking as someone who has once before been in Tom's place (albeit not as angry/emotional about the situation), if you were being ambiguous and didn't tell me the truth, I would have been more upset.  &lt;strong&gt;I could get over the fact that you left for someone else, but not if you lied about it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="2412" LastEditDate="2018-08-02T23:28:12.507" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T23:28:12.507" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17239" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-02T15:58:26.643" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Making boundaries is your best bet. Depending on how resistant he is to criticism, you can approach this a few ways. From your answer to the comment, I am making an assumption (I may be wrong) that he may be an emotionally abusive person. Be cautious in your approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is resistant to criticism, it is best not to give him ammunition to control you any further. What you said in your question is an excellent statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tom, what you said to me about not dating this co-worker was out of line. I can make decisions for myself. Don't tell me that I can't do this just because you wish it so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then walk away. If he persists in making demands, do not engage him. If he starts apologizing, simply and directly accept the apology and go date the co-worker, &lt;strong&gt;because there is absolutely nobody that can control your choices but YOU.&lt;/strong&gt; He cannot do anything about that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is more receptive to criticism, you can approach him a little &quot;softer&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tom, I know that you're hurting now, but this is my choice. Please be happy and know that I'm okay. I wish you all the best and please don't judge me on my choice of romantic mates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's better not to talk about the fact you are having feelings for the co-worker in front of him until his better reasoning kicks in, because when emotions kick in, it is reasonably hard to keep a steady logic for words and actions, increasing the likelihood of him saying something crazy or demanding, or hurtful because he is reacting to being hurt.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The overall goal here is to keep a steady stance on your decision, and make it firm that he won't sway you or make you cave in. It seems he may try to emotionally guilt-trip you, so watch out for that.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T15:58:26.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17241" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-02T16:04:50.273" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Setting and respecting boundaries is really important for healthy relationships. I think this is a good opportunity for you to set boundaries with Tom. As far as who you are dating in the future, simply tell him something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I value your friendship and hope we can remain friends, but who I date in the future is my decision and not yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as his concern over whether or not your attraction to someone else while you were dating is cheating - I don't know how invested you are or should be in convincing him otherwise. All you can do is tell him that nothing happened and attempt to help him see your point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't believe that exes should be hostile to each other, but in my experience people rarely stay friends after dating because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When a relationship ends, both people usually aren't over it at the same time; in your case Tom isn't as past it as you are. Your friendship - for him - still includes a desire for a romantic relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As people move on and date new people, the new girlfriend or boyfriend usually isn't happy to see their counterpart hanging out with their past flame. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In almost all cases the pre-dating friendship was heavily influenced by an interest in dating at some point, and in many cases there isn't much of a friendship left once the romantic interest has been taken out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T16:04:50.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-02T16:08:25.870" Score="209" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not a situation where tact is likely to help anything. Tom sounds hurt, maybe fairly, maybe not, and he has apparently decided that not only will he nurse that feeling but that you must tend to it as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your relationship ended, and whether or not that was primarily because your feelings towards Tom changed or because you developed stronger feelings for someone else is less important than the fact that you didn't want the relationship to continue. Tom (seemingly) feels that your co-worker was in some way the cause but that's an irrelevant detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tom, we dated for a while and it didn't work out. I didn't cheat on you, and when I thought our relationship had run its course &lt;em&gt;instead of cheating on you&lt;/em&gt; I decided to end it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's not entitled to date you, nor to control what you do. But, at the same time, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are not entitled to Tom's friendship, nor to his feelings being what you would prefer them to be. You've already made all of the relevant decisions here, and now it's Tom's decision how to deal with his feelings. The most you can do is to be clear and to accept Tom's decisions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T16:08:25.870" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-02T17:03:45.750" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a decision you have made for yourself. Just say that. There is no tact needed here. The more tact replies or explanations you give, the more emotional blackmail you would receive. You are not hurting Tom anymore. He is hurting you by putting you in a dilemma and trying to prove that you made an unethical choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2969" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T17:03:45.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17075" CreationDate="2018-08-02T17:49:36.810" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;every question that I have asked her she summarized it in a word or&#xA;  she was unable to articulate a convincing argument to anything&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That could just as easily be through disinterest in the conversation or through simply being quite a quiet person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This world is full of introverted people who are perfectly capable of having deep conversations if they want to and if they feel comfortable enough to, but who will often prefer to remain quiet or keep conversation to a minimum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She doesn't even speak Spanish while she lived there for over a year&#xA;  (she was there 3 years ago).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a Briton, I don't find that unusual. There are thousands of Britons who move abroad and never bother to learn the language. This doesn't necessarily mean she is unintelligent, but could possibly imply other negative traits depending on the circumstances, for example she might simply have been unwilling to learn the language because she only intended to stay for one year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This family is very dear to me for many reasons, they are very famous&#xA;  and well respected in Spain&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all due respect, unless they are royalty, that's irrelevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not about the family's reputation, this is not a business deal, this is the decision of one son about who he wishes to spend his life with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she's nice, but she lacks something fundamental for a relationship and&#xA;  that is the intellectual capacity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion 'nice' is more important than 'intelligent'. It is better to be 'nice but naive' than to be 'intelligent but nasty'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but I think that he deserves a much better girl&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not a decision for you to make. It is up to him, and only him, to decide who is 'good enough' for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as she is not trying to cause your brother-in-law harm and/or is not likely to cause your brother harm then there is nothing wrong here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day what matters isn't how smart she is or how attractive she is, it is what your brother-in-law thinks of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have the feeling that it's too soon to propose and too soon to get&#xA;  married as they don't really know each other&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is a more convincing reason to suggest delaying marriage. If you really want to, then you could perhaps ask your brother-in-law if he is sure that they know each other well enough to get married. If either of them is unsure then it may be best to wait a bit longer (e.g. 6-12 months) before they consider getting married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Marriage is a big commitment, but it is not final, if it doesn't end well then divorce is always an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Children on the other hand are a far more serious commitment - after a certain point you cannot simply get rid of children. I find people often get those two mixed up in terms of severity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, if your brother-in-law truly loves her, he might be prepared to reject the family and run off with her, like Romeo and Juliet. (I'd like to remind people that Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy - they both die at the end.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is probably in everybody's interest to prevent that, and it is important that the family realises that. If they don't want to drive him away then they should tell him their concerns and accept his decision if he ignores them. If the family is right then they will be there to help him. If the family is wrong then they will still be in contact their son.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastEditorUserId="2078" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T03:56:06.457" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T03:56:06.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17147" CreationDate="2018-08-02T17:53:45.733" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Complimenting a co-worker on her appearance is just too dangerous in the modern office environment. It can easily be construed, rightly, or wrongly, as a sexual overture, and potentially as sexual harassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If his goal is NOT to begin a romantic relationship, then the potential gain is virtually zero, and the potential harm is that he could be having a meeting with HR, black marks on his record, maybe even lawsuits, or losing his job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if this co-worker is pleased to receive the compliment, or he's confident she wouldn't complain about it regardless of how she took it, any third party over-hearing can complain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's just not worth it. Don't. If you want to strike up a friendship with a co-worker, talk about work, or sports or hobbies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;RE comment from @avazula: I don't claim to have done a scientific study on this. I'm simply speaking from personal experience and common sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can think of a number of workplace incidents that I have personally witnessed, or that I read about in the news because things went as far as lawsuits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for example, once two co-workers of mine were discussing motorcycles. A man made a comment about enjoying &quot;having that much power between his legs&quot;. If you heard the whole conversation, there was nothing sexual about it: he was talking about motorcycles. If he intended some sexual innuendo, it was very subtle, or at least, I didn't see any sexual innuendo. Nevertheless, a woman in the office heard just that snippet of the conversation, thought he was making sexual overtures, reported him to HR, and he got in trouble. He wasn't fired, I don't know exactly how far it went, but he got a stern lecture about making sexual advances in the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example 2: Saw on the news: A man watched an episode of the TV series Seinfeld. The episode included a joke whose punchline hinged on someone remembering a woman's named because it rhymed with &quot;vagina&quot;. He thought it was funny and sent an email to a female co-worker telling her the joke. She complained to HR and he was fired. So... it's legal to broadcast this joke over the air to millions of people, but not to tell it to one person. Hmm.&#xA;I could give many other examples. Anything remotely resembling talk about sex in the office is extremely dangerous to your career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2019-12-20T04:32:17.450" LastActivityDate="2019-12-20T04:32:17.450" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-02T18:07:31.877" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;My first try would be to simply ignore Tom on this. People are often bitter after a break-up. I wouldn't hold this against Tom. He presumably had strong feelings for you and you hurt his feelings. But I wouldn't let it stop you from dating someone else, either. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he persists, I'd politely say something like, &quot;I'm sorry, Tom, I'm not your girlfriend any more, and I can date whoever I like.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may well be that your friendship with Tom is over forever. It's pretty classic that when a girl dumps a guy, she says, &quot;let's still be friends&quot;, but the guy doesn't want to be friends. He wants you to be his girlfriend or he doesn't want you in his life at all. If that's the case, you're not going to argue Tom into being your friend any more than he's going to argue you into not dating this other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T18:07:31.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17235" CreationDate="2018-08-02T19:08:59.147" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you probably don't want to stand up and announce it, based on my general experience I can think of two ways of discretely but effectively conveying this information:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell one or two people ahead of time. Tell one of the talkative people in the hopes that they will gossip this information onto others, thus propagating the information. Choose someone who will be respectful when conveying this gossip.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are having trouble hearing, or worse you suddenly find someone staring at you expecting a response, just be honest. Point at your ear and explain you have trouble hearing and &quot;would they please repeat themselves?&quot; (ymmv with regards to the actual phrasing you use, its up to you though since you know the situation better than I do)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17350" LastEditorUserId="17350" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T16:16:40.220" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T16:16:40.220" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17235" CreationDate="2018-08-02T20:11:44.770" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you considered approaching one or more of your friends and asking them to learn sign language?  Perhaps you could offer to teach them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would broach the subject with the person with whom you feel the closest connection.  Start off by explaining how much you like the group, and how glad you are to be accepted as a friend by them.  Then state the truth - that your hearing is a major problem for you in a large group or when the group is at a restaurant, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask if they would be willing to help you better integrate with the rest of the group by learning to sign, and then ask them to sign for you when the background noise is too much.  You might also ask if you could be seated so as to face most of the group when you guys go out.  This would give you a better view of the faces and lips of potential speakers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I'd guess my hearing isn't nearly as bad as yours, I also struggle when there's background noise.  Years of loud music has done permanent damage to my ears.  I just tell people, &quot;Hey, can you face me when you talk?  Otherwise I can't hear you.&quot;  99% of the time people are eager to accommodate, especially since they WANT to talk to a willing listener, such as yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe this group of friends will pick up on the signing of the one friend and even begin to learn a little sign language, themselves.  All of this seems appropriate to me.  If my circle of friends included someone who needed a little assist in certain circumstances, we'd be happy to spend what is a small amount of energy to accommodate them, because it's also ensuring the continued presence of that friend, which is an accommodation to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16044" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T20:11:44.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17253" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-02T20:19:20.730" Score="122" ViewCount="24009" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a tremor, which varies in intensity. I recently ordered a sandwich at a restaurant, which was pretty easy to eat, but I gave up trying to eat the salad, because I was unable to do so with a fork. If I had been at home, I would have used my fingers to help get the lettuce on the fork (pushing the food with the fork, using my other hand as a backstop) or just picked up the leaves. I am not able to control a knife well enough to use that to push the salad on to the fork.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is this appropriate to do in public, or should I not eat anything unless I can do so reasonably politely?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am middle-aged and have no other visible disabilities (which I mention since that might affect people's perceptions). I live in an urban area in the United States. If I am eating with another person, they would either already know of my tremor or I would tell them. Of course, I order foods that are relatively easy to eat (sandwiches, not soup), and I've started looking into adaptive silverware. I tip well and even more when I've been messy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no need to suggest tools or technology to help me eat neatly, although I appreciate the desire to be helpful. I have access to information about such products.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4083" LastEditorUserId="20708" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T04:25:52.063" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T13:17:57.977" Title="Is it acceptable to violate table manners in public due to my disability?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;disability&gt;&lt;eating&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11008" CreationDate="2018-08-02T20:29:43.487" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you do say anything, I suggest giving her an easy out, such as: &quot;Would you like to get coffee after work, or do you have a policy against socializing with customers?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I am not recommending you ask her out, just suggesting a way of making it easier for her to say no without either of you losing face. Of course, if she tells you she has a policy against dating customers and you later see her dating another one, don't call her on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="290" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T20:29:43.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17255" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-02T20:31:06.920" Score="76" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes.  In fact, &quot;table manners&quot; are a matter of circumstance, as anyone with a background in etiquette should tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not physically possible for you to conform to my manner of eating, so I would be obliged to either conform to yours, or to politely ignore yours, depending on the specific nature of the issue.  For anyone beyond the confines of your table to make a face or to say anything would be the height of rudeness, especially if you were sharing a meal with someone else who was not bothered by your behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, it doesn't sound like it creates a spectacle, even on a small scale.  I doubt I'd notice if I were sitting 3 feet from you at another table, unless I was a nosy neighbor, and then any offense I might feel would really be on me and not you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16044" LastEditorUserId="430" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T15:28:17.897" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T15:28:17.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-02T20:46:28.553" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Basically your Ex is accusing you of starting another relationship (To whatever degree) before terminating your current one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only you know whether you crossed any lines before terminating the relationship.  (I.e. Things that would have either upset him, or you would know better than to do in front of him are Red Flags.  Examples might be flirting in either direction, intimate conversations, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have said honesty is better than tact at this point.  He's hurt, and feels that this other guy came onto at work (Likely knowing you had a boyfriend.  Warning:  If this guy came on to you knowing you had a boyfriend, that is a really bad sign.)  Be strait, apologize for hurting him, apologize for any flirting / inappropriate behavior you did or failed to put a stop too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ultimatum, might simply be because he feels stepped on, but it sounds to me more like he's trying to control you, and if so, that won't change.  It can happen in rare instances, but when you date friends they typically are not going to remain friends afterwards.  Most people are simply too jealous. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20585" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T20:46:28.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-02T20:46:58.717" Score="162" Body="&lt;p&gt;Can you violate table manners in public? Of course you can. Everyone can. In fact until someone learns them it's likely that they will be unintentionally violating them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Table manners are just codified expectations of behavior, normally considered part of &quot;polite society&quot;. This is a reciprocal expectation. You can't hold someone's poor manners against them if you aren't acting politely yourself. It is an incredible breach of manners to expect of someone something that they are incapable of doing. Because of this there is an expectation that people will make reasonable accommodations for people's differences. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you may be violating codified expectations about table manners, because you're incapable of meeting that standard and are making reasonable accommodations for your tremor (Choosing foods that are easier to eat, tipping extra when you make a mess), good manners dictate that your failure to abide by the specific expectations of fine dining should be treated as a non issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3150" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T20:46:58.717" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17147" CreationDate="2018-08-02T21:19:45.820" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my experience, even Jess K's the second question &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That's a cool looking shirt, what kind of material is it made of?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;can be interpreted as flirting (especially when coming from a socially awkward person). If your complement ends in a question, it shows you intention to have a prolonged conversation on a topic outside of your profession with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even the suggestion Andrew mentions &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, that's a nice top. Where did you get it? I bet my wife would want something just like that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;could send mixed signals, and not just because of the opening to talk about non-work things. Someone interested in you could interpret &lt;strong&gt;bringing up your wife as defense for a guilty conscious&lt;/strong&gt;. Moreover, such phrasing could function as a soft 'neg' because it could be interpreted as saying, &lt;em&gt;&quot;If you were my girlfriend I'd buy you that top a gift, but you aren't...&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Interpreted together, it could come across as either an intentional (or subconscious) desire to have an affair. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to just complement her say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh! I like your shirt!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then quickly get back to discussing work things...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17673" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T09:33:11.340" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T09:33:11.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17187" CreationDate="2018-08-02T21:58:29.317" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can we interact with the families that lost loved ones on 9/11 without offending?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very kind of you to worry about this, but unless you're visiting on September 11th, the odds are that there won't be any such families present at the 9/11 memorial at the same time you are. Most of the people there are tourists, taking selfies and being, well, tourists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Simply being quiet and respectful of others will probably be enough.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: I live in NY and work near the memorial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edited to add&lt;/em&gt;: I haven't been to the memorial on September 11th, but my impression is that during the public ceremonies, there are reserved areas for families of survivors.  However, I agree with JakeGould and T.E.D. that &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; who lived in the area was impacted one way or another by 9/11. If someone in mourning approaches &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, saying something like &quot;I'm sorry for your loss&quot; would be fine, but &lt;em&gt;listening&lt;/em&gt; and being respectful would be good, too. But remember that these are &lt;strong&gt;New Yorkers&lt;/strong&gt;.  They probably aren't interested in talking to strangers while dealing with their grief. Give them space to deal with their grief. (If they do want to talk to you, don't worry - they will.)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20588" LastEditorUserId="20588" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T18:56:33.973" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T18:56:33.973" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-02T22:13:29.650" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In your shoes, I would:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Offer to have a conversation about Tom's feelings regarding the end of the relationship, in the interest of the platonic friendship we hope to establish. He sounds hurt and confused, and processing some of that with you might allow him some clarity &amp;amp; perspective. This might involve discussing your interest in the coworker before the relationship ended, and where exactly the line was drawn. I would probably include a sentiment along the lines of, &quot;I believe it is human nature to become interested in people occasionally. In my mind, fidelity means not acting on those interests, rather than not having them in the first place - I don't think we can control these interests developing, just our actions. I thought I did well by you in recognizing that I wanted to end our relationship rather than trying to pursue those interests behind your back.&quot; He is free to disagree, of course, about whether or not that was the kind thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Tell him kindly that whatever happens between you and your coworker, or anyone else, is not up to him, and does not retroactively change anything about the way your relationship ended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Offer him some space to process on his own. Tell him that his friendship is important to you, and you'll be available if he wants to reach out in the future, but you will not make any overtures until you hear from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20587" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T22:13:29.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17263" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-02T22:34:54.957" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Manners are ultimately a matter of protecting the right of some people to not be bothered by other people. On the scale of human rights, I weigh manners as fairly low priority. What seems of vastly higher priority is the right of each of us to fully participate in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps this can be made clear by considering what you would want of others in a similar situation... Consider a person with a breathing difficulty, that made eating slightly noisier than most. Not excessively so, but with more lip smacking and the occasional grunt. Would you want this person to be able to go out and eat in public, understanding that it might be distracting if they sat next to you some day? Or would you want them to stay out of public restaurants and not risk bothering you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm hoping you would consider that a minor issue and would want that person to be able to enjoy a restaurant like anyone else. If so, consider that what you describe is even less distracting than this. There are only a few types of people who would be bothered by someone with a tremor eating with their fingers... Those of low empathy or low mental capacity who don't yet understand the frailty of our human condition. And those with extreme selfishness who feel that their wish for a specific kind of envoronment while eating should override another person's ability to live freely and normally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5812" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T22:34:54.957" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17264" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17229" CreationDate="2018-08-02T22:38:48.607" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If this is a person I have respect for, I'd sit him down and give him a speech similar to this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, Bob, I know it's none of my business, but I care about you, and I care about Sarah and her son, and I wanted to let you know what it looks like from my perspective. I know I don't have the full picture here, but it looks like Sarah's doing all the heavy lifting around the house and with the kid, and it doesn't look like the present circumstances are good for anyone. Her resentment can't feel good or be good for your relationship, or for the kid. Is there anything going on with you that I don't know about, that's making it especially difficult to pull your weight around the house? Have you talked to Sarah about it? Would it be helpful to just make a schedule of who does which chores on which nights? If this continues, I'm scared you'll be at risk of losing them both - is that something you're okay with?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at any point in that conversation he indicates that he does not want to have this conversation with you, don't press it. It really isn't your business, but if you do have a strong friendship with  mutual respect, he might be open to it, and it might be what he needs to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were friendly with Sarah, I'd also address the situation with her, and ask her how bad it is from her perspective - if she wants out, or what she wants to change, if things are worse or better than they seem to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that people can be very stubbornly blind to their own bad behavior, and it is possible that none of your intervening will do any good, but rather simply strain your own relationship with Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20587" LastActivityDate="2018-08-02T22:38:48.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17147" CreationDate="2018-08-02T23:51:24.400" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe it's better to compliment something about a co-worker's work, than what they wear -- or something they did (&quot;it was nice of you to do X&quot; or &quot;you talked well with Y&quot;), rather than what they look like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know about you but I don't really enjoy people talking about my appearance, at work I might rather they talked about work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway I think that would come across as less (or as not) flirtatious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people in a comment asked for reasoning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I interpret &quot;flirting&quot; to mean some kind of sex-influenced or sexually-charged communication -- see &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/17273/9053&quot;&gt;this answer&lt;/a&gt; for example -- if the compliment is something you'd say to a &quot;girl&quot; but not to a &quot;guy&quot;, then perhaps you shouldn't if you want to avoid any possible appearance of flirting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I think it's considered healthy (though I won't provide a reference for this assertion) to encourage (perhaps by complimenting a.k.a. giving positive feedback to) people's virtues ... i.e. what they &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt;, their skills, their kindnesses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal experience is sometimes disliking or feeling nonplussed by people's commenting on my appearance in the workplace ... so the &quot;golden rule&quot; suggests to me that I should refrain from doing that myself, and thus I forward this suggestion to you too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conversely, &lt;em&gt;work-related&lt;/em&gt; positive feedback is not just healthy generally but appropriate behaviour in the workplace, even from colleagues and not just from managers ... and therefore not inappropriate (which I think is relevant to the question, because I took &quot;not flirtatious&quot; to mean more broadly &quot;not inappropriate to this &lt;em&gt;in-workplace&lt;/em&gt; interpersonal relationship&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I understand there is or has been some &quot;sexism&quot; in the workplace, women not being treated as men are treated ... e.g. being treated as (sexual) objects of attractive appearance (i.e. passive decoration), rather than being treated as workers (i.e. active agents) -- hence I think it's polite to compliment someone's work rather than their appearance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also say this because I assume he wants to compliment her &lt;em&gt;somehow&lt;/em&gt; -- the question is asking how to do that -- and instead of saying &quot;don't compliment her&quot; I'm replying &quot;compliment her on something other than appearance&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Switching focus to the person's behaviour (instead of 'grasping at signs' of physical form) may help the OP steer clear of any flirt-adjacent thinking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think it's generally (outside the workplace too) polite to compliment someone (intentional) actions rather than their (more genetic) appearance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastEditorUserId="9053" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T14:48:40.257" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T14:48:40.257" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17269" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17147" CreationDate="2018-08-03T00:57:00.320" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest, that if your friend is really nervous about paying this person a compliment, it might be best to avoid doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reason being, his nervousness may be misinterpreted as being due to some kind of romantic interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not suggesting he can't ever pay her a compliment, however it's probably best to only do so once he feels more at ease with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying something like...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I like your shirt!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Needn't be in any way inappropriate, or flirtatious, but nervousness could unfortunately cause it to be interpreted that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I may say something like that to a female colleague, if I knew her very well, and worked with her on a daily basis. With other female colleagues, who I might not have known for very long, I would probably not comment, even if I just genuinely liked her shirt, and had no romantic interest in her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Office etiquette can be tricky. If in doubt, it's best to just keep conversations very professional. The last thing your friend wants is to make his colleague feel awkward or uncomfortable around him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His intentions may be perfectly respectful, but it's all in the interpretation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T00:57:00.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17270" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17271" CreationDate="2018-08-03T01:12:34.567" Score="3" ViewCount="856" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of the time (3-5 times a month) when I'm walking in the street or sitting on the public transit random strangers will make eye contact with me for more than 3 seconds and also smile at me in a way as if they want me to talk to them or something. In all of these situations I try to smile back while walking (or while sitting if I'm sitting) and then continue on my way (or look the other way) but sometimes I feel like I want to get to know the random stranger too as they have expressed interest. To clarify, I'm talking about situations where it's more than just a quick glance and smile, but a prolonged one that may include other things too such as turning to face me. What can I do in order to do this successfully without it being awkward or intimidating the other person in the off case that they didn't want me to approach them, and also to befriend the individual in the process if they do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;edit: M/20 &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20596" LastEditorUserId="20596" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T01:39:23.957" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T01:39:23.957" Title="How to approach a random person that appears to be interested in you?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17270" CreationDate="2018-08-03T01:34:11.330" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are standing close to the person, make a casual statement about the weather, or something about the public transport today, or some other totally benign topic. This gives the person who smiled at you a chance to react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be cautious as the person who seemed interested may have just been courteous. If they respond to your statement by grunting or smiling then looking away, then they don't actually want a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they seem interested however, ask the person a question about themselves. It gives them another chance to decline the conversation, via giving you a short answer. If they are interested however, this gives them an opening into the conversation and you can take it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Careful not to walk towards someone from a distance based on a small amount of eye contact and a smile however. This can be seen as threatening and intimidating and generally leaves a bad impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20595" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T01:34:11.330" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-03T01:35:38.850" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Table manners&quot; is just one small subset of overall &quot;&lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; manners&quot;.  One hallmark of good manners is patience and respect, and a desire to make others comfortable in your presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone displaying good manners would not, for example, comment on your disability &lt;em&gt;unless&lt;/em&gt; you brought it up yourself.  They may appear not to even notice your tremor or your use of your hands while eating, and indeed would treat you like they would any other table companion.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a number of resources that help teach &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.vantagemobility.com/blog/disability-etiquette-dos-and-donts&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;disability etiquette&quot;&lt;/a&gt;, with simple guidelines such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find commonalities before thinking about differences.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don’t assume they see their disability as a tragedy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask if he or she needs assistance before providing it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and various others.  Again, many of these are simple common sense to someone with good manners. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point of all this is that anyone who does seem offended by your &quot;table manners&quot; are themselves displaying a general lack of &quot;good manners&quot;.  It's likely the irony will go over their heads; still, there's no reason you yourself shouldn't be polite. If need be, offer a brief explanation, perhaps something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I have a neurological tremor and can't hold my fork steady when I eat.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should never feel as if you yourself did anything wrong, since it is &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; lack of good manners that is the issue.  You are simply compensating for that by helping them feel more at ease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T01:42:44.277" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T01:42:44.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17147" CreationDate="2018-08-03T02:49:42.893" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, a rule of thumb that I find works for many (heterosexual) males:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Think of a compliment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pretend she's a man.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the compliment suddenly seems homoerotic, 'weird' or doesn't seem like a compliment, don't say it, think of something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I.e. things like &quot;you look hot in that shirt&quot;, &quot;that shirt compliments your figure&quot; or even &quot;you're looking well trimmed, have you lost weight?&quot; are not good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secdonly, praising someone's skill, intellect or taste (in TV/food etc) is usually a much safer bet than commenting on their appearance. Something simple like &quot;good thinking&quot;, &quot;excellent idea&quot;, &quot;that drawing you've made is nice/skillfully done&quot;, &quot;yes, Stargate is so much better than Star Wars - you have excellent taste in scifi&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had numerous platonic relationships with females, and as far as I'm aware they never construed any of my comments (e.g. about their artistic ability, about their taste in TV shows etc) as a form of flirting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Disclaimer: my view may be skewed by the fact I am not in the habit of regularly complimenting people.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastEditorUserId="2078" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T18:55:07.797" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T18:55:07.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17187" CreationDate="2018-08-03T02:57:04.680" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can we interact with the families that lost loved ones on 9/11 without offending?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;I doubt you will have to actually worry about this, but if you are just calm, cool and know how to “hold space” you should be fine.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others have addressed this but need to add my two cents. I live in NYC, was in NYC when the attacks happened, I walked over the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan that day since I had some friends who were in Lower Manhattan that day and was concerned about them. They were/are all fine. I also regularly commute through the huge mall/transportation hub there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is all to say: I highly doubt you will have direct interaction with anyone connected to 9/11 attacks in any way. There are just too many people going through there all the time and—in all honesty—you will simply be another face in a crowd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that doesn’t me you &lt;em&gt;won’t&lt;/em&gt; run into someone indirectly affected by 9/11 that day. And if you do just be polite, calm, cool and just “hold space” for them. You know what holding space means? Just be polite, attentive, quiet and respectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Also, don’t forget the World Trade Center is still a working part of the city.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I will tell you right away you might find the 9/11 memorial site more disorienting in other ways. Like I said, the 9/11 World Trade Center area is more than just a memorial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First there are the reflecting pools at the footprint of each tower with waterfalls going down a few stories in height. These are definitely moving, free and open to the public. But you cannot avoid the reality that the World Trade Center site is still what it was before the attacks: A massive office park that also has a mall and transportation hub located there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am fairly certain utterly nobody who is a tenant at the World Trade Center is disrespectful to those who lost their lives that day, you need to really—in my humble opinion—to prepare yourself to seeing people rushing to work, shopping at an Apple store or buying coffee and snacks while mourning happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a topic that can be debated, but as a native New Yorker I find it hard to understand how to feel when I am at the 9/11 site because of the memorial being so close to the hustle and bustle of the city. So just accept the fact that is what it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And past that honestly just be cool and don’t be a jerk and you should be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T16:25:05.970" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T16:25:05.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17276" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-03T03:49:55.237" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a very tricky situation indeed.&#xA;On the one hand you don't want to upset Tom further, but on the other hand you shouldn't give up on having a relationship because someone is giving you ultimatums.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's quite likely that you will have to choose between Tom and your co-worker (let's call him Jerry).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you decide what to do, put yourself in Tom's shoes.&#xA;(Please bear in mind that this is a partially hypothetical scenario.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Presumably he thought the relationship was going well and perhaps didn't think it was as 'casual' as you did, perhaps he thought you two had a future. (Perhaps Tom doesn't even have a concept of 'casual' dating, some people don't.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you broke up with him and you told him that this was because you had &quot;lost feelings for him&quot;. You neglected to mention that you had found someone that you were more interested in because you believed this was somehow 'protecting him'. Tom is at this point probably very hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He believes you have fallen out of love with him and he's most likely confused about why. He tries to find a reason for this, something to blame. Eventually he concludes that there must be someone that you're more interested in. He asks you about this and you admit that you concealed the truth from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tom has just simultaneously discovered that not only was there someone that you were more interested in, but also that you concealed the truth from him (some might even class that as lying, either way it's a form of deception). Now Tom is even more hurt than before. You have hurt his trust by lying to him, and he now has an object on which to direct his hurt and hatred - Jerry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that he knows you lied about it, his trust has been irreparably damaged. He's probably beginning to wonder whether you're still be hiding other things from him. He might even believe that there was more going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like many people who feel wronged, he wants 'justice' - he wants those who he feels are responsible for his pain to be 'punished' for it. He is manifesting this with his ultimatum. He probably thinks that by preventing the relationship with Jerry from happening, it will make him feel better and will somehow provide him with 'justice'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is of course wrong to try to impose his will on other people, but when considering his point of view, it's understandable that he's letting his emotion get the better of him. Letting go of someone you like is hard. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reluctance to let go of either person is the whole reason that you're asking this question. You don't want to let go of Tom or Jerry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact of the matter is that there's nothing you can say here that will quell Tom's feelings. In his mind he's set you an ultimatum and he will enforce that ultimatum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are sure that Jerry reciprocates your feelings then you absolutely should get together with Jerry. You should tell Tom that you want to remain friends but if he no longer wishes to remain friends then that's the way it will have to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason Tom sees his ultimatum as a tool is because he believes that &quot;not being friends anymore&quot; is a significant enough threat that you won't take that option. If you show him that you are willing to accept that condition, his threat is empty and his ultimatum backfires.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Tom doesn't try to contact you to say that he regrets his ultimatum and wants to stay friends, then you must be prepared to let go of him. Perhaps someday you will reconnect, but until then you must try to forget about him and focus on your decision to be with Jerry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Jerry does not reciprocate your feelings then the objective changes somewhat. Forming a relationship with Jerry no longer becomes an option, and you're left facing a hurt possibly former friend who has forced an ultimatum upon you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must decide whether to try to reconcile and forgive his foolish threat, or to cut ties with him because of it. At this point you've both caused damage to your friendship, you by hiding your feelings for your co-worker, and him for threatening you with an ultimatum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way you must make it clear to him that you aren't happy with his attempt to dictate your actions and that getting back together with him is out of the question even if you do remain friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may end up deciding that if there's no hope of being 'together' with you (even when you aren't with someone else) then he might prefer to cut ties with you because it's less painful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd ask that you make sure that Tom has someone who he can lean on for support after you've gone. The end of a relationship is a tough time that causes many people, men and women alike, to do stupid things that they regret. As many will readily predict, he might try to come back with a vengence (e.g. stalking, violence etc), but what many people forget is that he might alternatively fall into a deep depression and try to take his own life. Suicide is one of the biggest killers of young males.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely he'll eventually get over it and move on with his life, but it pays to be aware of the less appealing alternatives. Good friends or a strong will/mind are imperative for preventing the negative outcomes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately the thing to take away from all this is that secrets and lies are the best way to kill any relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be honest no matter how painful the truth is - if it's out in the open then you can deal with it openly and honestly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T03:49:55.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17277" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-03T05:39:07.000" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a close family member who had that problem (until he got a brain pacemaker, which is a whole other story...). The worst were coffee cups, especially when the tremor got so bad that the content started flying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Judging from that, you have your hands full with other problems anyways, and manners or the impression you leave should be the least of your worries. From that experience, I know that it is very obvious to people around you what is going on. It's not like you're coming across as a rebel or someone who has not learned manners. Nobody without that disability would try to ingest the food in that manner. I.e., you are not likely to get confused with, say, an adolescent who does it that way out of spite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to make it even more clears, then the most you could do, in my opinion, would be to keep the &lt;em&gt;rest&lt;/em&gt; of the manners (not related to your hands) in good working conditions. I.e., good body position, proper chewing sounds, using the correct implements at the correct time, and so  on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, obviously, if your tremor is related at all to your body tension, focus on relaxing - especially relax about what others may think about you. If they think bad about someone with a bodily, involuntary disability, then you don't want to care that much about their opinion, I believe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T05:39:07.000" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17279" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-03T08:31:28.773" Score="12" ViewCount="4338" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been dating my girlfriend for a few months now and I have given oral and fingered her frequently, but that's the furthest she's gone with anyone. I feel like merely bringing up or suggesting handjobs, blowjobs, or sex will make her feel like she has to do one or all of those things right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel the seeds of resentment being planted, but I don't want those feelings to flourish because I really enjoy so many other aspects of this girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 23, she's 21 and we've been born and raised in the US. She seems really comfortable with me performing on her. We did talk about me doing stuff before and after but we've never brought up her doing anything for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I bring this up without making her feel like she has to do something she doesn't want to do? It seems impossible...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20610" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-08-04T00:02:17.657" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T07:13:48.540" Title="How do I bring up one-sided sex to my sexually inexperienced girlfriend without pressuring her into anything?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17279" CreationDate="2018-08-03T08:45:22.337" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;From personal experience, I've been the more experienced one (like you i guess) in my relationship. Sex and the like are very touchy subjects and most people who have not engaged in them before are either very lost or shy and uncomfortable with doing these acts. Also, Inexperienced girls tend to find the male organ a bit intimidating and strange to them, give her time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do choose to talk about this subject with your girlfriend, try to ask her how she feels about sex and what you guys have been doing so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If she's shy and uncomfortable :&lt;/strong&gt; In this case, you can try to encourage her to step out of her boundaries but also be very clear with her that you are not pressuring her into anything. This feeling is the trickiness and most likely boil down to her getting her courage or feeling it is the right time to perform such acts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If she's lost :&lt;/strong&gt; Here is where you just have to guide and teach her how to do things. She might feel that she will do things wrongly and you will be annoyed or angry with her if something goes awry. Handle those feelings with her and assure her that you and her are exploring something together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;All in all :&lt;/strong&gt; One thing which i found quite useful is showering together. If you are not already doing so it helps. Applying soap and what not on each other and showering or bathing together will help in more exposure to each others bodies. Making her more comfortable with it and might help with the one-sidedness. Side note, don't feel so bad that she isn't willing to do these within a few months, she's opened up enough to let you do things to her, it could just take a bit more time to get comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T08:45:22.337" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17279" CreationDate="2018-08-03T09:15:02.757" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in very similar position to you with one major difference. My Gf was very open that she isn't comfortable with sexual things right from the start. I agree that you shouldn't pressure her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The solution:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just give her time. 2-3 months isn't really that long of a time especially if she hasn't had intercourse before (or she has had bad experiences in the past).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let her approach the issue once she is comfortable enough with you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the first 4 months pretty much all sexual zones were off limits for me and that is OK. Afterwards she started opening up and even requesting to experiment more a few months later. I can't tell you how much time it takes as it really depends on her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Side notes:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know waiting can be frustrating but this is one of the times you should put her needs before yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Create a comfortable and safe environment. Establish rules and safe words. Explain that it is perfectly fine for her to refuse sex or ask you to stop anytime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those things can help your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T09:15:02.757" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17283" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17298" CreationDate="2018-08-03T09:43:47.583" Score="60" ViewCount="14506" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every now and then I volunteer for an association, organizing big role play events in my country (by big I mean several days with between several hundred people, so nothing at the national scale, but big enough nonetheless).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There I act as one of many game masters, creating the game to entertain people,... but I'm also meant to make people apply the rules whenever I can, be sure there are no cheaters etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The association has a responsibility towards the players somehow, and even though as a volunteer I risk nothing (legally speaking) if rules are not respected, it's part of our duty to make sure everyone is safe, and to some extent that the law is applied. I'm not there to play the police, yet I can't let people commit small (or not-so-small) crimes without doing anything, because the association might suffer from it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This year, I eavesdropped a little while waiting for someone, and heard people talking about what they were smoking. They were absolutely not trying to hide they were having fun with good old cannabis, and to the smell of it, indeed it was drugs they were smoking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here lies my problem. Smoking this is forbidden in my country. If many people are doing it, it will be very bad press for the event. Moreover, I'm talking about an event with childrens of all ages, pregnant women sometimes etc... thus people who must not be impacted by passive smoking from this drug.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I think I should step in and stop these people from taking drugs, right? But here comes the tricky part. It is a well known fact in my country that a large majority, especially for people of my age, is in favor of the decriminalization of cannabis. So, should I step in and stop this, I can be a hundred percent sure a lot of people will see it very negatively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was told in such case I could ask people to stop smoking, and in case of repeated offence, to seize their &quot;cigarette&quot;, or even exclude them from the area of play (which is a private property rented by the association). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is: I have a duty to perform, yet I'm absolutely not a member of law enforcement, thus the only authority I got comes from the respect players have for their game master. Nothing more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I approach these people to stop smoking drugs in the event area without causing a drama?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2150" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T17:09:27.863" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T10:01:21.600" Title="Dealing with small crimes as a volunteer" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;volunteering&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17284" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17279" CreationDate="2018-08-03T09:49:30.947" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all: No, you are not a bad person for asking this question. In fact I would argue it's quite the oposite since it shows you actually care about your GF.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be afraid to bring it up. Yes it might bring up some pressure for her, but chances are she's already putting pressure on herself because she's not doing anything back for you. What you should focus on is making her feel safe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her clearly that you won't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Suggesting a safeword&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; can show her that you're serious in respecting her boundaries. Make sure that you do respect them though (given the way you asked your question here I don't expect this to be a problem).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have brought it up she might show/tell you that she's insecure since she doesn't know what to do. This is the perfect opertunity to turn it around. Tell her you'll gide her though it at her pace. You can add to it that if she does something wrong it's because you didn't tell her what to do. By starting this way you can start as slow as she needs to go (this might take a long time to actually get anywhere) and gradualy let her try out new things when she's starting to get comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in short: As long as you focus on staying supportive you really can't do much wrong with just bringing it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(1) Safe words can be anything you wouldn't usually say during sexy-times. Which words to use is personal preference. It can be something like &quot;red&quot; to stop and &quot;orange&quot; to be more careful but without really stopping. Explicitly saying &quot;stop&quot; is fine too.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="12054" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T07:13:48.540" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T07:13:48.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17285" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17286" CreationDate="2018-08-03T09:54:00.023" Score="14" ViewCount="4941" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was working for a big company and I felt bad about the work I was doing. A friend (let's call him Tony) from my school (I am recently graduated) offered me a good position in his company. He does not own the company but is working hard here and is well respected. I accepted and I'm currently working there and I am very happy. On top of this I got back in touch with an old friend of mine (a girl, let's call her Sara) and introduced her to Tony. It appeared that Sara's best-friend (let's call her Alice) is the ex-girlfriend of Tony, and now we formed a friendly group of four which I really enjoy. The relationship between Tony and Alice is set, neither of them want more than friendship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We hang out 1-3 times a week at night, because we all work during the day, and have a great time chilling outside, dancing and chatting. From the first time I saw Alice, I had strong guts feeling for her (she looks very attractive to me, and she is a very kind person, she loves animals and me too). At first I locked this feeling away and said, it's the ex of my friend I just can't let myself feel that for her. And everything was OK, the feeling was here but I was able to ignore it. But since the last 3-4 times we hung out, she started flirting with me in a very polite manner, full of compliments and really nice eye contact. I just can't handle the feeling right now and I'm really thinking about dating her, but I feel really bad about my friend Tony and I don't know how he'll react.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The question&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I explain to Tony that I want to date his ex? I know I have to follow my feelings, but I'm really scared about failing the new relationship and destroying the group of friends we have now... I really want to know more about Alice, but I want to keep this group up. Any advice is greatly appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20614" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T17:29:45.607" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T07:35:12.427" Title="Relationship with a friend's ex-girlfriend" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17285" CreationDate="2018-08-03T10:06:40.337" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seems pretty straightforward to me: if Tony and Alice are happy being friends, why not just mention to Tony that you're thinking of asking Alice out? I'd be surprised if he had an issue with it, and honestly if he does I think it would be a bit harsh on his part - he can't be her friend and yet assert control over who she dates. If she's genuinely interested in you then as a friend he should be happy you may have a relationship opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: speak to him first (more as a courtesy than for permission), and if the conversation goes well, then ask Alice out and see where it goes. If the conversation with Tony does go badly, you need to decide if it's worth challenging his views and pursuing Alice or letting the matter drop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastEditorUserId="8888" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T19:31:31.027" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T19:31:31.027" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17283" CreationDate="2018-08-03T10:33:24.510" Score="80" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience, being polite actually works pretty well. I would approach with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey guys, please don't smoke that here, there are kids participating in the event as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are they know they are doing something they shouldn't and would just stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I advise against being judgmental or bringing legality into the conversation to avoid conflict. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course if that doesn't help you can do what every low level employee should do when handling issues at their workplace - Call your manager.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T10:33:24.510" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17283" CreationDate="2018-08-03T10:49:52.393" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently learned about &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;NonViolent Communication&lt;/a&gt; (NVC for short), which helped me since to express my concerns and feelings in really different matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It basically is about expressing what &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; feel and why, to non judgmentally and non violently reach a compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess you could try something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hello. I have recently found out you are taking drugs during the event. While I generally do not have any issues with drugs, I am anxious, because I need that people that come to the event and their family are satisfied and feel safe. I also fear I will be held responsible for any mishap, and that I would not be able to come again in future events. Do you think you could not display or talk about your drug use in public?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While they may not agree, it will open up the conversation, without sounding judgmental.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really suggest you learn a bit about NVC if you want to use that way of communicating your concerns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20615" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T10:49:52.393" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17289" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17291" CreationDate="2018-08-03T11:36:22.177" Score="39" ViewCount="4768" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a close friend with many great qualities. She has low self esteem probably because she was always expected to be the best (during school mainly) so even if she performs really well, she considers it to be average. She needs constant positive reinforcement and is very sensitive to criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is what results in her not being able to deal with failure. Even if it's only a board game, after losing she completely falls apart and starts saying stuff like &quot;there's no point of my existence&quot;, &quot;I'm worthless&quot; and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm the closest person to her and she really looks up to me. Still whenever I compliment her, or recognize her achievements, it doesn't feel like I'm actually helping her. It feels like I'm making her depend on positive reinforcement even more. When she hits a low point after a failure, I have no way to get her out of that state, other than distracting her with something else. She doesn't listen to reason or anything, she just gets into this loop of &quot;I'm worthless&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was a point when she decided to get help but then she changed her mind about it and I don't really want to push her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I make her realize that she is awesome and this doesn't change when she fails at something? How do I make her not dependent on positive reinforcement?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user20619" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T17:13:47.707" LastActivityDate="2018-08-05T14:18:21.230" Title="How do I help someone that has really low self esteem and gets crippled by failure?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;self-esteem&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17187" CreationDate="2018-08-03T12:31:04.540" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you've gone out of your way to go to a memorial for a terrible historical event. It should (both literally and figuratively) go without saying that you are sorry it ever had to happen. You no more need to apologize to every bereaved family you see than you'd need to do the same to every Jew you see at a Holocaust memorial, every veteran you see at the WWII memorial, or every African American you see at the MLK memorial. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Let the memorial do all the talking.&lt;/strong&gt; If you take an attitude of listening (rather than eg: laughing and taking smiling selfies in front of the exhibits), that should be enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also like to point out that family members were far from the only people left traumatized by this event. There were a lot of people who escaped the towers, but know friends and acquaintances who didn't. Even more, particularly in NYC, personally knew someone who died in the towers. There were people escaping down the stairs as first responders passed them on the way up, who have to live with the knowledge that almost all of those rescuers died. There are probably millions (yes millions) of people who &lt;em&gt;watched thousands of human beings murdered &lt;strong&gt;live&lt;/strong&gt; on TV&lt;/em&gt;. That's not the kind of thing that leaves a person unaffected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5047" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T12:31:04.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17289" CreationDate="2018-08-03T12:59:15.287" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a bystander, it can be tough to try and help people like this.  I would know, I used to have terrible issues with self-esteem when I was younger.  A few of my friends were very kind and tried to help when I opened up about it, but most of the changes that made me into a &amp;quot;better&amp;quot; person came from within.  People like this (including younger me) are very hesitant to accept praise from someone else, as they think they are lying or mocking them.  There are some things you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do to help though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;1. Be a good role model.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I say this, I don't mean &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;go and do everything and tell your friend about it, without including them&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;. What I actually mean is to &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;create goals with them and complete the activity with them&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;.  This is an important difference that can mean the difference between helping and hurting someone.  Showing off your accomplishments to them can have a damaging effect as they might take this as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;They are so much better than I am.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and they could even start to resent the fact that you are sharing this with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Creating goals and completing them with the person shows them that, yes, &lt;em&gt;they can do it too&lt;/em&gt;, or that &lt;em&gt;they can do what this much more &amp;quot;successful&amp;quot; person can do&lt;/em&gt;.  It made me personally feel better about myself when I was able to take a step back and realize that I can do the same things that my friends can, and that I am not the worst at everything in the entire friend group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;2. Don't tell them how to think.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend says something like &amp;quot;I'm worthless&amp;quot;, don't just say &amp;quot;No, you're not, because...&amp;quot;.  You might think this is a good idea, but believe me when I say this could possibly do more harm than good.  As I mentioned above, your friend might think that you are just saying this &amp;quot;because&amp;quot;.  After all, &amp;quot;how would &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; know my life, right?&amp;quot;  In addition, your friend will probably bring up a whole bunch of mistakes they made in the past, further harming the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A better thing to do would be to ask them &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;why they feel that way.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;  Affirm their feelings and offer solutions or personal experience if you can.  Whatever you do, &lt;strong&gt;don't ever say that it's not a big deal.&lt;/strong&gt;  It might not be a big deal to you, but it could be to them.  Don't invalidate what your friend is thinking, just show them that it is normal and everyone goes through the same issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;3. Problem solve with them.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This step does relate to the second, but it is more specifically tailored to when your friend is getting upset over an actual problem that they are having, not a feeling like &amp;quot;I'm stupid&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For many people like this, they think the problem is something unsolvable, something that they could never hope to fix.  Giving them another angle can help them realize that, yes, the issue can be solved.  Don't flat out tell them the answer, as they can internalize that as &amp;quot;I'm too stupid to figure it out&amp;quot;, but instead let them take the lead with fixing the issue, and offer some thoughts of your own to move them along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;4. Suggest therapy.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails, you can suggest therapy to your friend as a means to help.  I didn't actually need therapy for my case, so I can't speak on how effective it is.  I do believe it can help however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mention gently that they could have a self-esteem issue, and that you think a therapist could help them explain their feelings and discover the underlying issue at hand.  If you have any therapy experience, let them know how it helped you with &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; issues.  Don't feel bad if your friend rejects this proposal immediately, but you have planted a thought in their mind that they can explore as they go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart from what I listed, there isn't much else you can or should do.  This is technically an &lt;strong&gt;intra&lt;/strong&gt;personal issue with your friend, and it will be your friend alone who resolves this problem.  Even saying that, a good friend by their side is a great step to recovery, and I'm glad you are willing to stand by them and assist them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A handy link that you friend could use can be found &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;.  It goes over some different steps that your friend might be able to use to help them.  This isn't strictly IPS, but if they start to realize they have a problem and want to fix it, you can show them this.  Hopefully this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T16:21:46.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17283" CreationDate="2018-08-03T13:05:03.517" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're right to say you have a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems you understand your role, &quot;creating the game to entertain people,&quot; to help everybody have fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the police swoop in and arrest a lot of people for smoking weed, nobody will have fun. If families with children--or other people--have to leave your event or always be on the lookout, they won't have fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question doesn't mention whether you are expected to care for minors. So, I guess you are not; it's up to their parents to do that. If parents are giving their children into your care, that's a different situation entirely; ask another question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not your job to enforce laws; you know that. &lt;strong&gt;You don't have the power to confiscate contraband.&lt;/strong&gt; So don't use legality as your motivation for dealing with this problem.  Instead think about having fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can nudge people to avoid smoking weed by saying things like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;This is a family event. Please don't smoke weed inside the event.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, be cool! Do that outside!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should consider getting your organization to adopt a code of conduct, and setting expectations before the next event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11382" LastEditorUserId="11382" LastEditDate="2018-08-04T12:43:39.867" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T12:43:39.867" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17289" CreationDate="2018-08-03T13:19:27.740" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;While your friend is great at many things, one skill she still needs to learn how to develop is accepting compliments!  This may seem like a social skill rather than a self-esteem tool.  It is actually both.  Of course, accepting compliments won't magically fix her low self-esteem, but it will help to put her mindset outside of the cycle of constant negative reinforcement and self-fulfilling prophecies that she is imposing upon herself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Continue to encourage her to seek therapy.  In the meantime, you must train her to not push back when you compliment her.  Tell her gently that the reason you spend time with her and compliment her is because you love her and that you mean it!  You should set a reasonable expectation that whenever you tell her that she exhibits X quality, she should say, &quot;thank you&quot;, rather than &quot;no I don't&quot;.  That should be your constant refrain in this situation: &quot;Say thank you.&quot;  This technique doesn't mean that you're not available to listen to her insecurities, but it is a way of establishing a boundary.  It tells her that you will not accept her fighting against the love that you offer her.  It also communicates something important to her: if she needs validation in order to feel worthwhile, then she needs to rise up and meet the challenge of accepting it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you should do is to keep her in perspective.  As Cheryl Strayed once said in her essay, &lt;a href=&quot;http://therumpus.net/2010/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-48-write-like-a-motherfucker/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Write like a motherfucker&lt;/a&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You loathe yourself, and yet you’re consumed by the grandiose ideas&#xA;  you have about your own importance. You’re up too high and down too&#xA;  low. Neither is the place where we get any work done. We get the work&#xA;  done on the ground level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way to keep your friend's troubles in perspective is to kindly diffuse any misplaced melodramatic pronouncements she has with humor.  When she is debilitated with self-loathing after losing a board game, you can put an arm around her and say something like, &quot;Really!  Board game ability is what determines self worth! Who knew!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend does in fact have a mental disorder, it's true that it can make it more challenging for her to exist in the world.  However, she must do the hard work of living with it, and learning to exist in spite of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20216" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T13:19:27.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17289" CreationDate="2018-08-03T14:29:14.820" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a simple technique, but can be effective with repetition.  When I used to say negative things about myself, an older and wiser friend would tell me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you're my friend.  &lt;strong&gt;Stop picking on my friend&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone has deep issues with self-confidence, it's hard to break the cycle. It's much easier to expect failure and never try at all, than to expect success and possibly fail.  And this is a common belief -- you'll find that many people are more than happy to tell you something &lt;em&gt;won't&lt;/em&gt; work, but few will tell you something &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt;, so it becomes easy to fall into the habit of using it on yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above technique helps break this cycle by changing this fundamental attitude.  It can be spoken in a light and joking way to encourage your friend to see self-deprecation as &lt;em&gt;abuse&lt;/em&gt;, rather than normal behavior.  At the very least, it will get her to pause before doing it in front of you, and hopefully, eventually, help her to break the habit of doing it &lt;em&gt;reflexively&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-05T14:18:21.230" LastActivityDate="2018-08-05T14:18:21.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17289" CreationDate="2018-08-03T14:31:10.143" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your questions of &quot;how do I make her realize..&quot; and &quot;How do I make her not dependent..&quot; tell me very clearly that you are trying to &lt;em&gt;change&lt;/em&gt; her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course I realize you want to heal her, but you are effectively trying to change her thinking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In doing so you might be risking some kind of dependency. You mentioned she's dependent on positive re-enforcement and also that you are the closest person to her so I've made perhaps a bit of a leap in concluding that she's dependent on &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so, I'm not sure that's healthy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing you mentioned is that she considered therapy but then changed her mind. I would not hesitate to strongly persuade her to take this route. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not realize this and you also may even embrace your current role here - but this is a burden on you. If you had the skills to handle this you would not have reached out (and again, your aims here are clear and commendable - I'm not picking).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I think people only change when they want to and because she declined the route of therapy when it clearly seems like a good idea, it may be she even likes things the way they are. She might not even be aware of that, so getting a pro involved really seems like the way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this job is too hard for someone in a friendship capacity. Try to get her to reconsider therapy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20495" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T14:31:10.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-03T14:42:02.953" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Others have already given comprehensive answers, but I'll weigh in anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've always been rather partial to the phrase &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately table-manners may be disregarded as much or little as you like, it's just a convention, one that comes after your own needs. &#xA;Do what you can, disregard what you can't.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you need to drop the utensils and use your hands, do it with confidence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you aim to come across as more well-mannered though, then taking visible steps like using a napkin on your lap/tucked into your collar will make your behaviour appear more conscientious, and if dining with someone who wasn't previously aware of your needs you might benefit from saying something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Please excuse my use of fingers, my hands tend to shake too much for a&#xA;  fork&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice the phrasing isn't an apology there. I wouldn't even try to apologise if you find yourself compelled to explain.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There's no shame in it and nothing to defend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T14:42:02.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17283" CreationDate="2018-08-03T15:18:42.163" Score="119" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something that I found very effective when attending music festivals, and even while helping out as a doorman at a local club when I was younger, was a simple request for discretion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, would you all mind being a little more discreet? If we want this event to continue at this venue, and keep the cops out, we need to keep that stuff low key.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you please keep that behind closed doors? Finish up in your car or campsite. If this event gains a reputation for open drug use we may get shut down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This reminds people that they're out in public, and that they're putting the event at risk. Most casual drug users will tend to respect that it's not about your personal objections, but rather that you're doing your part to protect the event. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things like &quot;think of the children&quot; or &quot;what about second hand smoke&quot; are likely to be scoffed at. Many cannabis users believe that the only risks are the legal consequences, so there's not much point in inviting that debate. Making points about being able to use the venue in the future, and avoiding a heavier police presence aren't things they can really argue with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T15:18:42.163" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-03T15:46:55.073" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Joning the other people here, I would say that you do what you have to do to enjoy your meal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I'd like to offer a twist: you could use a piece of bread, as suggested above, or even a napkin as you help yourself to hold on to the salad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will show anyone who happen to notice that you're not just casually grabbing your food with your fingers - you obviously put some thought into this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, expressing any opinion on your fellow diner's difficulties is in itself a height of impoliteness, as noted in other answers. But you using another tool to help yourself would help your fellows avoid such rudeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20625" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T15:46:55.073" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17285" CreationDate="2018-08-03T16:12:19.073" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Will's answer is absolutely the correct one, but I wanted to add a different side to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who has been in Tony's position, talking to him can make a huge difference.  An ex and a friend started dating a few months after we broke up.  They both, separately, came and spoke to me about it before they got together.  It was much, much easier to deal with than finding out from someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're both still together 8 or 9 years later, and are still two of my best friends.  I'm not sure they would have been if they'd hidden from me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20626" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T16:12:19.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-03T17:16:58.503" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, a lot of the answers look at your specific circumstance, I thought I would approach it from the general stance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you ignore good manners due to a disability? The real answer to me is no, but with the caveat that those good manners are a social contract, meant for a circumstance, time, and place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's use another example. Here in Florida, is it considered pretty poor manners to hold the door to someone's house or business open if the next person entering is not doing so immediately. Other parts of the country would find this odd. But the reason this exists here is that it's hot and humid. If your paying a $350 electric bill, you don't really want someone standing with the door wide open for a few moments. You want the door open and shut.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example would be prayer. It's polite to stand for prayers when everyone else is, even if you don't believe. But no one expects that someone wheelchair-bound will stand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there are times with disabilities do pose a &quot;manners problem&quot;. For example, it is considered rude to listen to your laptop so loudly that it disturbs those around you. It would still be considered rude even if the listener was using a higher volume due to hearing issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likewise, it is considered rude to yell in a restaurant. And would still be rude even if you were yelling at someone that was hard of hearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to good manners is to remember your impact on those around you. If the impact is none or small then breaking the &quot;manners rule&quot; just doesn't matter, if you're doing so because you are disabled. If you are just breaking the rule because your lazy, that is when it is considered rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, however, the impact on others is large, then it is probably still considered rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1712" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T18:00:19.150" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T18:00:19.150" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17147" CreationDate="2018-08-03T18:32:14.840" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your friend should seriously rethink why he wants to compliment her and whether doing so serves any purpose beneficial to himself or to her. Does he usually compliment coworkers he's not close friends with? Does he often find himself wanting to, for both male and female coworkers, but feel socially awkward about doing so? Or is it a matter of this particular person being &quot;attractive&quot; and him wanting to get the experience of having complimented her (and her reaction to it)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he'd like to become someone who feels comfortable complimenting others around him on small things, I think he should put this person out of his mind and start by complimenting people he's not attracted to on things not related to their appearance, or at least not their bodies. It may be spontaneous and friendly to mention you like someone's shirt or their new glasses the first time you see it, but if you hold that thought in for the first few weeks you see it, then bring it up, it sounds really awkward if not outright creepy, like you've been dwelling on them and trying to get up the nerve to say something. It would really be better to focus on complimenting people's ideas, and in ways that aren't just flattery but that actually acknowledge their roles and that you value what they've done - like at a meeting saying &quot;Hey, last time [person] had a nice solution to a similar problem. Would that work here?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand your friend just has a thing about wanting to compliment this particular woman because she's attractive, then essentially he wants to flirt without it looking like flirting, and the right answer is just &quot;stop&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3142" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T18:32:14.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-03T18:50:41.690" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this appropriate to do in public, or should I not eat anything unless I can do so reasonably politely? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see a problem in doing so. Surely it isn't Royalty-dinner manners but not offensive or impolite to do when in public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However&lt;/strong&gt;... &lt;strong&gt;there is no need to violate manners here&lt;/strong&gt;... The appropriate and practical thing to do would be to &lt;strong&gt;use a knife&lt;/strong&gt; to help you get the salad into the fork. If you are in a restaurant surely you can ask for one, or well you can bring one from home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then use the knife in a similar way you use your fingers or napkin (as suggested in other answer). No need to handle the knife like a surgeon, just use it to push the salad to the fork so you can pinch it easily. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you won't have to use your fingers to do so, display good manners, and be able to enjoy your meal without worries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4073" LastEditorUserId="4073" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T20:08:16.870" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T20:08:16.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17308" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17310" CreationDate="2018-08-03T19:53:37.187" Score="24" ViewCount="3512" Body="&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; Certain details have been changed for privacy's sake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am the go-to person for tech help for my friends (and enemies), family, and &lt;strong&gt;teachers&lt;/strong&gt;.  I have helped everyone I know with tech since 3rd grade (I am currently in high school).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During school when a video wouldn't play, the projector wasn't calibrated, things wouldn't print, etc., I would help and fix these issues. Teachers thanked me and were appreciative that I was able to fix their &lt;strong&gt;school-related&lt;/strong&gt; issues within 5-10min without having to go through the IT staff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there was an art teacher at the school (I say &amp;quot;was&amp;quot; because she resigned, much later after this incident). She was rightfully known for &lt;strong&gt;ALWAYS&lt;/strong&gt; being on her phone. It became so bad that a petition was signed by multiple parents addressed to the board to get rid of her (although nothing came of it). As an outspoken, very opinionated, person I frequently made jokes to friends and made it clear that I was totally against her and her use of her phone. I even said things to her face (which looking back may have not been the most appropriate).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Towards the beginning of an art class, she put a lesson on the projector and started to explain what we were going to do that day.  Her phone pinged and she picked it up and started to look through it. The lesson came to halt, and since we were used to this we started talking and the room got loud. A few minutes later:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teacher: &amp;quot;[Insert My Name Here] come here.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Everyone went silent&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I walk over to her desk, wondering what did I do?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teacher: &amp;quot;I'm getting a message on my phone that my iCloud is out of space. What should I do?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm thinking it's probably photos of art or something for the class&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;If you don't want to buy more space on iCloud, you can transfer the&#xA;photos to the computer and delete them from your phone&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teacher: &amp;quot;Here's my Mac. Can you do it for me?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;Should we transfer it to the school computer for the lesson?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teacher: &amp;quot;What? No. These are my vacation photos.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Everyone laughed, except me.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't want to help her with a personal matter and encourage this behavior, but I also didn't want to get in trouble and sent to the principal for refusing, who based on my experiences with him, would probably not care that it was an inappropriate request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I ended up helping her transfer everything. This took the entire rest of the period, while everyone else got to sit back and enjoy the off period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sucked for multiple reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I had to help a teacher I didn't like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I was encouraging her irresponsible behavior&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Didn't help socially among other kids&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Everyone else got a period to talk, socialize, or do work from other classes and I didn't&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It was completely inappropriate for a teacher to ask this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal for future reference:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I want a way to politely tell her that (in a way that I would &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; get into trouble):&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is inappropriate to ask for help with personal matters.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't feel comfortable helping her with non-school related technology questions.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's the type of teacher that is liable to respond like &amp;quot;No? Excuse me?! Go to the principal immediately&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: Going to an administrator is not really an option as it was a right then and there thing and she probably would not have let me leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really want to give the impression that I am unable to help or don't know how for the following reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's hard to say I don't know when I am helping 5 other teachers with other tech problems&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's one of my few socially driving forces. I really don't want to lose what social interactions I gain (with other kids) by them losing their confidence in my abilities.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19515" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T20:48:44.210" Title="How can I decline to help my teacher with their personal IT problem?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17308" CreationDate="2018-08-03T20:52:27.910" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, this can be challenging because they are a figure of authority in your life that seems to be misusing that authority. Some points to recognize first:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It is inappropriate for your teacher to be interrupting an entire class so that you can help her with her personal IT issues, such as configuring her iCloud in the middle of a class.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It is not your job to do this, you are a student in the class. Not her personal assistant. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She is abusing her figure of authority to intimidate you into doing something that both you and her know is inappropriate at this time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possible Responses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 1:&lt;/strong&gt; Simply tell her that you would rather not help with this task as it will be disruptive to the class. Say something like, &quot;I know that you want me to help you configure your iCloud, but right now we are in the middle of lecture and it would take me the rest of the class period to do this. Are you sure you want to interrupt class for this?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A response like this forces her to acknowledge that A. This will disrupt the rest of class B. She should not be asking you to do this right now, and C. Give her a way to return to the lecture without causing any issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she still wants you to move forward and interrupt class, you could just tell her that you do not feel comfortable with helping her to handle a personal IT issue right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she escalates and sends you to the principal's office, just explain the entire situation to the principal. Your administrator should side with you on this topic, as your teacher should not be interrupting class, or be on her phone all the time like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel &lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; nice, tell her that you would be more than willing to come back at lunch or study hall and to help her, but you feel that it is inappropriate and unfair to the other students to interrupt the entire class to do that right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2:&lt;/strong&gt; Do what she asks and go to an administrator later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can always just do what she asks and go to the office later and ask to speak to her supervisor (the Principal or Vice Principal, maybe the Superintendent if it is a smaller school). Explain the situation to them and tell them that it made you uncomfortable and that you feel like class should not be disrupted due to situations like this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is their job to ensure a smooth learning experience, and to make sure that class is not interrupted, especially if this is a regular occurrence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 3:&lt;/strong&gt; If you do not want to face her, or an administrator directly you can always talk to your parent/guardian about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are that your parent/guardian wants you to get a good education, and if a teacher is interrupting that, they will want to know. Especially if they are using their authority to make you do personal tasks for them. Your parent can always schedule a meeting with the administrators at your school, and you can go with them if you wish. This may reduce the intimidation factor of having to face this situation alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 4:&lt;/strong&gt; Just leave it be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really aren't all that concerned and nobody else seems to be either, recognize that maybe it isn't that big of a deal to escalate. Unless this becomes a very regular occurrence or source of disruption, you can just chalk it up to being a one time thing and let it go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, these types of situations will happen in life, and if you learn to stick up for yourself, while being kind and respectful, it will go a long way to resolve the issue. Try not to manufacture conflict, just think of the best ways to resolve it and ask for advice (like what you are doing right now). Also, good job on becoming the go-to person for IT issues! In the future workplace, being a go-to person to help solve problems because you are knowledgeable can make you a valuable addition to any team. Keep up the good work!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19252" LastEditorUserId="7354" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T12:25:51.157" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T12:25:51.157" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17289" CreationDate="2018-08-03T21:27:21.633" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; You can't make her view herself in a particular way, you can only encourage it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If and when therapy comes up, promote it or stick in a short plug, but don't be too annoying. This is a larger problem than you should be trying to address. What follows is an approach to help her help herself, but it should in no way be treated as a substitute for therapy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Prepare&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By &quot;help someone&quot; you really mean &quot;change someone&quot;. Let's be clear that this particular change is personal, and you are not that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step is to protect yourself. Accept it's ultimately up to her to change. Be careful not to have hopes or expectations of this working out in any particular way. If you can manage your hopes and expectations about this, you can proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you cannot manage yourself, if you become or think you'll become too invested, then do not take this on. Doing so runs the risk of damaging the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Probe&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(From what I can tell, it's safe for OP to skip this step. I'm including it for completeness.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend doesn't talk about this, then the first step is to start the discussion. When the behavior comes up, try to talk about it. Depending on the behavior, you may be able to talk about it while it is active; alternatively, it should always be safest to talk about it afterwards when they've had time to cool/normalize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal here is to simply open up territory for future discussion. Ask about the behavior, the trigger, the feelings, her feelings towards it&amp;mdash;whatever is easy, safe, or convenient to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend retains the right to stop the probe at any point: from before you even start to mid-sentence, it's all fair game. This can be frustrating; expect it. You may need to probe (gently) at the same thing multiple times. You may not get anywhere. Remember, change is their choice. You volunteered your time and effort to go down this route&amp;mdash;don't expect a return on your investment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Confirm&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Confirming can and should be done as you probe. Whereas the goal of probing is to open up territory, the goal of confirming is exploring the same territory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend has a different opinion of herself. You need to acknowledge that and understand it. Echoing is appropriate. This is an issue with her relationship to herself. She might not truly understand the basis of her opinion, and this steps serves to bring the logic&amp;mdash;whatever it may be&amp;mdash;to light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Identify&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Warning: Before you proceed with Identify, your friend should be in a level-headed state. Some people aren't interested in being level-headed, so you might not get to this step. If your friend stops being level-headed, don't try to push through. Wait for the next opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are zero or more contradictions in your friend's logic. You need to identify them. In fact you may need to take a break after confirming to really analyze and think it through.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be zero contradictions; it is possible. This means there's a difference in assumptions or values. &lt;strong&gt;Do not assume/impose your own values or assumptions.&lt;/strong&gt; You may need to go back and confirm her underlying assumptions and/or values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is the case, you may be done. You can discuss the values backing her logic, but &lt;strong&gt;you must respect her values&lt;/strong&gt;. You can try to repeat this approach for one or more values. The same warnings and precautions apply. Warning: Success with an underlying value does not correspond with direct success in changing a behavior, so don't expect it to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is a contradiction, bring it to her attention. She may not see it as a contradiction. Strive to understand her point of view. Again: &lt;strong&gt;Do not assume/impose your own values or assumptions.&lt;/strong&gt; You can compare with your own view, but hers trumps. Reevaluate whether there are any contradictions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Warning: Your involvement may end here. The rest of the steps need to be driven by your friend. She may involve you, but understand that she should be the driver, not you. I include the next steps for completeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Evaluate&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This step is personal. Going through the prior steps hopefully incites your friend to take this step. I cover this for completeness, but also because these steps can be self-administered in which case the hope is that you will reach this step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should now have a solid understanding of the why driving the behavior. You may have instigated the investigation, or a concerned friend may have led you to this point. At this point there's one question you should answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I change?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you answer the right question. &quot;&lt;em&gt;Should&lt;/em&gt; I change?&quot; is different from &quot;Do I &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to change?&quot; We're seeking to align our self with our core values. This can be difficult. Allow yourself time to think through and process it. Try to avoid shelving the question. This may be appropriate, but it's not appropriate as a habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally the answer is &quot;no&quot;. &quot;No&quot; is an acceptable answer. In this case it means your behaviors are already be in line with your values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The alternative is &quot;yes&quot;. If this is the case, you've got a lot of planning to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Plan&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether the answer is yes or no, you should plan. You went through a lot of effort to get to this point, you should now fortify your position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examine your relationships. These will either erode or support your position. &lt;em&gt;There is no middle ground.&lt;/em&gt; Not being supportive signals your position is unimportant, and this does have a long-term impact, so weigh it appropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your answer was yes, then you need to maintain a focus on this change and applying it to your daily life for an extended period of time. Some people or changes can be quick, but it's best to assume this is not you. There are many resources on making changes, and I encourage you to seek them out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: Success (with making a change) is a road often littered with failure, something we'd expect the OP's friend to struggle with more than most. It's a bit ironic. Mentally prepare for and accept failure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6790" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T21:27:21.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17308" CreationDate="2018-08-03T21:53:21.987" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the assessments that this is a position of authority abusing their authority.  Saying &quot;no&quot; in that position will be uncomfortable; you are correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's not much you can do in that position when commanded to do so.  You can, however, set yourself up to not have to do that again.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest a quick chat with the principal.  You don't need to reveal names, but just say that &quot;A teacher wanted me to take class time to help with her personal phone.  I believed that I shouldn't take class time from that to help with personal technical support and i'd like to ask your support for that.&quot;  If the principal asks why, I'd answer that it takes your time from class (in this case the entire period) and really isn't your role as a student.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, when the teacher calls on you, you can say, &quot;Sorry, the principal has forbidden me to do personal support for other teachers.  If he or she says it's OK for me to help you, I will be more than happy to.&quot;  Then it's not &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; problem, it's the teacher's boss' problem.  The boss is the one saying no, not you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're helping other teachers and this is not possible, then I'd limit myself to 5 minutes.  If it can't be resolved in that time frame, I'd say &quot;this will take longer than I have, sorry.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-08-03T22:08:59.707" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T22:08:59.707" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17313" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17289" CreationDate="2018-08-03T22:19:07.087" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer: I Am not a therapist or professional and this is not advice of any kind.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But your friend appears to have what has been described as &lt;strong&gt;&quot;pass-or-fail&quot; mentality&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They think failing once is proof they are don't have what it takes, but this is wrong and detrimental as you have noticed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best you can do is keep being a positive influence with her while helping her realize &lt;strong&gt;that failure is a natural part of success.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This TED talk by Carol Dweck&lt;/a&gt; might be worth looking into. She describes a &quot;growth&quot; mindset, that encourages coping with failure and not letting it stop people from keeping improving/learning/trying. She probably could benefit from some actual professional counseling/therapy to get thru her mental blocks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes me recall the famous Thomas Edison quote about his many attempts to invent the lightbulb:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4593" LastEditorUserId="4593" LastEditDate="2018-08-04T00:11:26.240" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T00:11:26.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13120" CreationDate="2018-08-03T22:55:43.193" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I too read a lot.  Here is how I would handle it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) If the book is on a topic that I don't care for, and I have zero interest&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would tell them straight out: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but that I am not a good person to judge this book because (genre X) is not my thing.  You need to ask someone who is into that genre.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Period.  End of story.  They're just wasting their time, and mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) If I really don't want to invest much time&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would ask to see the book, and give it a 10-20 minute skim.  This is often enough to give feedback on their writing style and overall organization, and isn't an excessive amount of time to spend helping a friend.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can give honest feedback, for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think you write well ... but, to be honest, nothing in the first couple of pages really &lt;strong&gt;grabbed&lt;/strong&gt; me.  I'm not really a fan of this kind of work, so I'm perhaps not the best person to ask, but perhaps you could lead off with something more eye-catching?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think your &lt;em&gt;concept&lt;/em&gt; is sound, but I couldn't get past your writing style.  I think you need to get a writing coach slash editor who can help you string your ideas together better, and improve your verbiage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3) If I'll do it, as long as I get paid.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make this sound like a completely reasonable, even &lt;em&gt;obvious&lt;/em&gt; solution.  This is often the easiest way to stop &quot;friends&quot; in their tracks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would help you out, but it would take up so much time I couldn't possibly do it for free.  If you think it's worth it, I would charge (X) per hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they want professional help, they can cough up some dough.  A true friend won't try to get something from you for nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T22:55:43.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17279" CreationDate="2018-08-03T23:47:13.410" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;According to my wife, women talk about everything -- and I mean &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt;.  While your girlfriend might not have had direct experience of various sexual acts, she might know more about them than you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start by asking her &lt;em&gt;what she likes&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;what turns her on&lt;/em&gt;, and &lt;em&gt;what she'd like to try with you&lt;/em&gt;.  She might mention one or two on your list, in which case you're good to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, and considering your current level of sexual activity, it's not unreasonable to mention the ones that give you pleasure.  &lt;em&gt;Giving&lt;/em&gt; sexual pleasure can be as much fun as &lt;em&gt;receiving&lt;/em&gt; it, and you shouldn't feel bad asking for &quot;a little help&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's still uncomfortable with those kind of activities, then give her time, especially if she's young and trying to balance her physical desires against other things, like social or religious expectations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, if not, and you think she might simply be using you for her sexual gratification without being willing to return the favor, well ... I can understand your frustration.  By all means avoid creating pressure or resentment, but at some point your relationship may simply stop being very much fun for you, and you'll have to decide whether you want to continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-08-03T23:47:13.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17317" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17324" CreationDate="2018-08-04T02:11:47.097" Score="3" ViewCount="656" Body="&lt;p&gt;My cousin is getting married. She is considerably younger in age and we live in different parts of the country. I would not be attending the wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know how much I would like to gift. But how can I 'send' it? Western Union just doesn't sound right. I'm not close enough to ask her email in order to 'email' the funds, as some banks allow these days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would mailing a prepaid Visa or MasterCard be appropriate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I really don't know her good enough to venture a (department store) gift card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20639" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T06:06:21.880" Title="How do I send money as wedding gift" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-08-04T17:49:55.503" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17319" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-04T04:13:06.897" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say absolutely. Manners like this are small social rules and don't really impact anyone but yourself. Things like elbows on the table, using phones at the table, eating with your hands, etc. Most people will not care, and the people that will care may not be the people who you are about appeasing, if that makes sense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You went to that restaurant and paid good money for a meal, and a disability prevents you from keeping up with some minor social constructs. You deserve to enjoy that meal as much as anybody else, and it doesn't matter how you have to get the job done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone makes a comment about it or criticizes you, well, I can recommend two words and a hand gesture that will make them mind their own manners...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20642" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T04:13:06.897" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17317" CreationDate="2018-08-04T04:37:08.710" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I got married cash gifts were pretty common and honestly really helpful as we were fitting much of the bill on our own. Those cards that unexpectedly showed up in the mail helped an awful lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may seem less secure but sending cash inside a card is a reasonably common thing to do in the US. Snail mail is slow, but still pretty reliable and a nice card adds a personal touch that a wire transfer doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're terribly worried about security, consider sending a wire transfer to a trusted local family member and mail them the card with an envelope and so on. I'm sure someone you know will be attending a wedding shower and would be happy to pass along your card and best wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For those that think gifting cash is thoughtless, impersonal, or in poor taste... Think about all the expenses and stress involved in planning a wedding and getting started as a young couple. Cash is exactly what they need, so stop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... Go down to your local grocery, pick out a nice card, write something sweet in it, insert cash, and mail it. Or nudge a family member for a little help if you're a little paranoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another more endearing approach could be to call around to local florists in the couple's area and see if any of them do &quot;money trees&quot;. Yes that's really a thing... Usually small bills folded into oragami flowers and/or leaves clipped onto a wire frame tree. This will likely put you a little more out of pocket, but they look pretty, and it may be a nice touch for folks who care about that sort of thing. (Pro-tip many young couples could probably use the extra cash more than the presentation, so consider that when making your choice.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T04:37:08.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17317" CreationDate="2018-08-04T06:06:21.880" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not close enough to ask her email in order to 'email' the funds, as some banks allow these days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's something to work on ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Send a card, Postal Money Order, and perhaps a note/letter congratulating her and asking for an email address (you'll write a couple of times a year). The card goes on a table for all to see, the MO is good at any bank, and she can put the note in the scrapbook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A prepaid card doesn't say how much it's for and you are settling up a credit card account for someone else. Cash in the mail isn't a good idea, unless it's a tiny amount (which I presume it is not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T06:06:21.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17308" CreationDate="2018-08-04T06:53:35.163" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't find any other way to handle it, you still can play &quot;dumb and scared&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start with &quot;In theory its easy, ...&quot; and describe the process step by step. Than tell her the &quot;BUT&quot;: you never have tried it before, you are not confident to be able to do it AND if you make a mistake it WILL DELETE some/all of her precious photos.&#xA;Recommend to get some help elsewhere, &quot;better let a professional do this complicated task which requieres a trained craftsperson&quot;. Offer to put her in contact with someone who is able to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have been helpfull. You did nothing. You will still be the &quot;knows stuff&quot;-guy. And she will carry on to ask you. Repeat a few times and she (hopefully) will stop asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12542" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T06:53:35.163" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17222" CreationDate="2018-08-04T07:25:39.107" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would ask this in a comment, but lacking reputation at this point, How old are you? Do you both go to the same school? Are you of the same culture/religion?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These may seem like non-sequiturs, however, each of these (tip of the iceberg, by the way) could be additional indicators of the dynamics involved.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Immigrants (especially recent immigrants) regardless of the turmoil in their home country, usually still want that connection culture and religion can be huge factors (akin to abandoning the family).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Age, of course, is a big factor.  Right or wrong, at 17, she is a minor, and the parents are responsible for HER -- they (reasonably speaking) cannot control you.  However, if you are within a year or two of her, As a &quot;prospective courtier&quot;, the parents just might have expected more in terms of respect, such as the father's permission. If you're significantly older (3-5 years+), you might be seen as a threat (back to her abandoning the family).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... but I digress...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;REGARDLESS, The actions described are abusive.&lt;/strong&gt;  Her actions to attempt to standup to her parents are commendable, especially given the circumstances, &lt;em&gt;HOWEVER&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; cannot help beyond being supportive.  AS I assume you are not a doctor (and if you were, you could not medically treat her), She will likely require therapy to unravel and relearn appropriate relationships -- but that is out of your control!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If dating is supposed to help us determine those aspects of the other that are suitable for a long term/marriage relationship, then (and Please, &lt;em&gt;PLEASE,&lt;/em&gt; understand what I'm about to ask next... this is no slight at all intended against her...) I ask YOU:  For you, what makes this type of person continue to be suitable for such a relationship. Is there some benefit that &lt;em&gt;YOU&lt;/em&gt; derive from (potentially) being able to &quot;save&quot; her? Someone once said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you rescue a damsel in distress, you end up with a distressed&#xA;  damsel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And consider also... any long term/marriage relationship &lt;em&gt;WILL&lt;/em&gt; involve her family... and there is little to no likelihood that they will change, and you will have &lt;em&gt;volunteered&lt;/em&gt; to bring that into YOUR life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am also constantly reassuring her and reminding her that she is&#xA;  intelligent, talented, and beautiful and that she is her own person...  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will be the continuing refrain during the course of your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good Luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20645" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T07:25:39.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17308" CreationDate="2018-08-04T11:03:55.063" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most people take &quot;rejection by practical constraints&quot; easier than &quot;rejection by personal choice&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt your teacher would be happy if you would &lt;em&gt;choose&lt;/em&gt; not to help (which &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be a valid option, but probably isn't in your case, due to her personal deficiencies) - even more, if that happens in the presence of others. To avoid the conflict, I would point to real (maybe a little exaggerated) practical constraints. The presence of other students will actually &lt;em&gt;help&lt;/em&gt; you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you adopt the stance of being &lt;em&gt;somewhat&lt;/em&gt; willing and capable of helping at least &lt;em&gt;to some extent&lt;/em&gt;, I can recommend these simple pre-screening questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;What steps did you take so far in order to resolve your problem?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; to convey the messages&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; problem, not mine&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if I should help you, you should have made some effort yourself before (within your capabilities, of course)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if I help you, you have to &lt;em&gt;tell&lt;/em&gt; me in advance what you have tried so far, so we can avoid wasting time/energy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people who did not try anything and just want &quot;technical assistance for free&quot; will back off at this point. Then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Before I touch it - you do have a recent backup, do you?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; to convey the messages&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I certainly won't touch your system unless you have taken reasonable precautions (and have invested some of your time, too)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the process might get messy and extremely time-consuming for &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; of us, requiring to re-install from scratch or to reload from a backup.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm absolutely exempt from liability for any possible data loss, if we proceed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Allow your teacher to save face when asking this. E.g. don't ridicule her if she admits never having made a backup - especially not in front of others. Just nod gravely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are you easily can make a short, honest and polite explanatory &lt;strong&gt;rejection&lt;/strong&gt; statement based on the reply of your teacher, that you will (and should) not help in that case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone cannot pass these simple questions, you certainly should refuse to get involved anyway (unless it's your significant other).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Added: &lt;em&gt;what to do when I get asked to help with creating a backup?&lt;/em&gt; - &lt;strong&gt;&quot;One moment, that's not a technical 'problem' to 'solve', right?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Insist that is something she simply &lt;em&gt;has to do and account for&lt;/em&gt;... see above: &quot;What steps did you take so far?&quot; - Unspoken message: it's very similar to &quot;charging the device&quot; - owner does it, owner accounts for it, owner has at least be willing to find out for herself how to do it, even the manufacturer is thinking it's a process any owner can perform.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20650" LastEditorUserId="20650" LastEditDate="2018-08-05T12:37:28.733" LastActivityDate="2018-08-05T12:37:28.733" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12627" CreationDate="2018-08-04T19:59:01.440" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;A game like chess is about winning - and losing. It's not about &quot;self belief&quot;. It's about focussing, thinking hard, and doing your best to win, to draw if the opponent is good, and make it as hard as possible for the opponent if they are too good for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A normal adult, married woman with a child isn't going to lose her &quot;self belief&quot; over losing a game of chess. Are you the better chess player? There's nothing wrong with that, and if she correctly believes that you are the better player, there's nothing wrong with that either. I assume she also believes that she is a better player than the eight others in that event, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now if you &lt;em&gt;let her win&lt;/em&gt;, that tells her you think so little of her that you start cheating to make her feel better. That's embarrassing, and likely to destroy a friendship. I'm sure there are women who would appreciate that kind of cheating, but a woman joining a chess academy won't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether you are the better player or not, play your best game. That's what people want, because that's how they learn. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T19:59:01.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17289" CreationDate="2018-08-04T20:26:38.460" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a problem. Whatever you do, it might do nothing, it might help her, or it might damage her further. Google for &quot;maladaptive behaviour&quot; or &quot;maladaptive coping strategies&quot; to learn what you are up against. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend copes with failure in a way that subconsciously she thinks is good for her, but it actually hurts her. You mention her going into a state where she just repeats &quot;I'm worthless&quot;. That behaviour hurts her. But it makes you give her attention and compliments which she will like. If you look at her behaviour you will see that pattern: Her behaviour gets her positive attention, but it hurts her. (And at some point you may have had enough and leave her, and the positive attention is gone).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You realise that what you are doing for her is not actually helpful. It just re-enforces the maladaptive behaviour. She could very much use the help from a counsellor or therapist. That's in my opinion the best way you can help her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, take Andrew's &quot;Hey, you're my friend. Stop picking on my friend&quot;. This says you don't like her behaviour. She doesn't get points for saying &quot;I'm worthless&quot;, instead she is told off, but in a friendly way. That's a strategy that can work. If she loses a game, you can offer to practice with her, and if she repeats &quot;I'm worthless&quot; ask her what she is doing to change it. Give no positive attention when she plays being worthless. Offer help and withdraw your attention if it is refused. And keep it up for a long time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T20:26:38.460" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17332" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17336" CreationDate="2018-08-04T20:27:19.227" Score="12" ViewCount="2133" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm often invited to restaurants before or after certain meetings with groups of people I know, including friends. However, I don't like to eat &quot;outside food&quot; and never go to restaurants or get take out in my daily life.  I'm a really cynical person and I don't trust that restaurant food is of good intent. I want to be able to see every step of the process that the food went through before eating it such as how well it was washed, where was it grown, did the processor wash their hands before, is it fresh? I'm not a fan of business tricks such as skipping steps that can't be observed by the customer (such as not washing fruits because nobody can tell) Because I'm not able to keep track of these things at restaurants I prefer not to eat at them. These are my own personal reasons and I know they are not universally agreed upon by everyone else. I do not want to share them as I don't want a debate about why my reasons are not right; I know some of them are extreme, but I still prefer for it to be the way it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I still go to the restaurant though with them but don't order anything except maybe a drink just to have &quot;ordered&quot; something (which I won't drink). (Note: We go to low quality/inexpensive (or overpriced low quality) places to eat)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes this becomes awkward as the people I am with start asking me questions about why I don't eat. They try to help me by suggesting that we can go to a different restaurant or recommending things from the menu. Still, it won't make a difference as I won't eat it either way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like this becomes really awkward and sometimes offensive towards the other person(s) when they see I decline to eat or order any food. It also draws lots of unwanted attention to me. Since I'm not able to communicate exactly why I don't eat anything there I feel degraded not being able to deal with the situation and end up ruining it for everyone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to communicate to them that I'm sitting there at the restaurant to talk or spend time with them and NOT for the food as I am not a fan of restaurants or trying different foods in general. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I inform people whom invite me to eat with them that I would like to go with them to the restaurant but not eat?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20596" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T16:25:31.633" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T16:25:31.633" Title="How to decline eating food at a restaurant?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-04T22:02:51.387" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short answer:&lt;/strong&gt; Your friendship with Tom has ended. I would tell him this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really do want to pursue a relationship with my co-worker. I regret&#xA;  that we can't be friends anymore, but I've made my decision, and I'm&#xA;  going to stick to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Long answer:&lt;/strong&gt; I can only speak for myself, but I'm sure many men and,&#xA;  presumably, Tom feel similarly. We make efforts to control our emotions. When&#xA;  we're in a relationship, we make an effort to focus our feelings and attention&#xA;  on the woman we love. So when a woman breaks up with us and the only reason is&#xA;  that her feelings have changed, it tells us that she has not made that same&#xA;  kind of effort and that she is not able to make serious commitments. Tom feels&#xA;  betrayed, because his primary expectation of you has been nullified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in a similar situation (though I did not react the same way), so I'll&#xA;tell you what I think is going through Tom's head. Yes, it's entirely possible&#xA;that he doesn't understand his own feelings, but I'll try to explain what he's&#xA;doing anyway. I hate to pretend to be a mind-reader, but I think it's important&#xA;to bring up these possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yesterday, he asked me if I was going to pursue a relationship with&#xA;  this co-worker. ... He ... told me if I dated this co-worker it would&#xA;  be as bad as cheating on him because I thought about him during our&#xA;  relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He probably brought this up, because it's the best explaination he could think&#xA;of for why you can't be friends anymore. He probably never considered what would&#xA;happen if you broke up with him so abruptly, so now he can't figure out why he&#xA;doesn't trust you anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He also said he would not remain friendly with me unless I did not&#xA;  date said co-worker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is certainly a mistake on his part, because he doesn't realize how&#xA;difficult it will be for him to trust you again. He's trying to leave you an&#xA;option that he thinks will make things better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I tactfully communicate with Tom that what he's saying is out&#xA;  of line or that he cannot control the decisions I make?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to not be controlled is to be firm in your decisions and to realize that&#xA;you can't always have it both ways. (See short answer for what to say.) You&#xA;neither need, nor are entitled to his friendship. If you can let go of him,&#xA;which you &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; need to do, then he has no hold over you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, I would avoid framing his actions as an ultimatum. It's likely that&#xA;he's handling a tough situation in the best way that he knows how, and that he&#xA;doesn't know that you're attached enough to think that ending the friendship is&#xA;a punishment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15873" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T22:02:51.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3744" CreationDate="2018-08-04T23:32:11.347" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it were me, I think I would quickly and flatly come back with: &quot;Why wouldn't they?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a quick and easy rhetorical response that's jokingly cool and confidant.  This response would not typically be seen as provocative or defensive.  However, there is a small chance that your boss may want to defend their passive aggressive jab.  In that case, you may enter into a conversation about their negative viewpoint.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20656" LastActivityDate="2018-08-04T23:32:11.347" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17336" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17332" CreationDate="2018-08-04T23:42:06.063" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, this is awkward, and there isn't a lot you can do to make it less awkward. Very few people absolutely will not eat in restaurants. They may eat without enjoying it much, they may limit how often they do it to save money, but just plain not &lt;strong&gt;ever&lt;/strong&gt; consuming anything a restaurant, &lt;strong&gt;any restaurant&lt;/strong&gt;, has to offer is outside the cultural norms of pretty much all cultures that have restaurants. Your goal is to minimize the awkward feeling in other people when they learn this about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that you need to explain yourself at least a little. Not necessarily the &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt;, but the actual &lt;strong&gt;what&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;I don't eat food I didn't prepare myself.&quot; You need to state it that simply. They're probably assuming you are watching your weight, or have religious restrictions, or are saving money, or some other reason why you might prefer one restaurant to another or one dish to another at a given restaurant. When the helpful suggestions start you need to say your short sentence, eg &quot;I don't eat food I didn't prepare myself,&quot; as many times as necessary. The simple and calm phrasing and lack of details or explanation should help to mitigate the extent to which they feel criticized by your choices. (People do: if you say you don't do X they hear maybe you think they shouldn't do X whether you say it or not.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Immediately after that, they will be feeling kind of off-centre, so I think it's a great idea to say, as you did in the question,&quot;I'm here to talk and spend time with you and I don't intend to eat anything. I'm fine with that.&quot; Focus on the positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Now that I think about it, this is actually really similar to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/736/how-to-respond-to-peer-pressure-without-being-excluded&quot;&gt;How to respond to peer pressure without being excluded.&lt;/a&gt; which was about people going out for a smoke and the asker wanting to accompany them but not smoke. Check that out, too.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally this will become known as a thing about you. when the whole &quot;I don't know, where do you want to go&quot; thing starts, you can say &quot;doesn't matter to me, I won't be eating!&quot; and grin a little. They can get used to it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-08-05T17:18:43.547" LastActivityDate="2018-08-05T17:18:43.547" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17337" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-05T00:04:06.767" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a similar situation in which I tried to remain friends with my ex after a particularly messy break-up.&#xA;At one point he said to me, and I quote: &quot;If you do find another boyfriend, I'll stop being friends with you because I won't be able to bear that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moral of the story: he's just upset about you liking this other guy because he still has feelings for you. Even if you did &quot;cheat&quot; on him by getting together with this new dude, what the hell does that matter since you aren't together anymore? If anything, he should value that you respected him enough to break it off before you even &lt;em&gt;tried&lt;/em&gt; something with this co-worker. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20660" LastActivityDate="2018-08-05T00:04:06.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17332" CreationDate="2018-08-05T02:16:55.583" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get invited to join the group for lunch fairly often, where they've already discussed and decided where they (we) are going, and I go along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes I would eat there and sometimes not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In one case I explained that I did not like &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; kind of food without going into details, they thought I was missing out; I figured that I knew what I was missing (lucky me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In another case it was the group's favorite place that they always talked about, and I went partly out of curiosity and also to see what was so great. When asked what I thought about it I told them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I explained that while not actually &quot;bad&quot; it certainly was not good, my observation was that I suspected that they went there &lt;em&gt;solely&lt;/em&gt; because they liked the name and that it had no other redeeming qualities. They thought about it for half a minute and agreed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply explaining that you hang out with your friends/acquaintances because you enjoy their company, and not necessarily for specific actions, should be enough. Do they smoke and skydive, so you must do this too? - watch from the ground in the non-smoking area ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-08-05T02:16:55.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17343" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17350" CreationDate="2018-08-05T16:52:08.417" Score="7" ViewCount="3048" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been friends with Anne for 10 years now. We initially bonded over the fact that we both want to be musicians. While I've been actively working on it, she hasn't really done anything about it, she just vaguely says she wants to be a musician someday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few years after I met Anne, I went abroad to study. I kept in touch with her while I was away. One day, when we were talking on the phone, she just blurted this out: &quot;I'm really jealous of you because you got to study abroad, and it makes it really hard for me to talk to you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From then on, I never talked to her about studying abroad, or anything related, because I didn't want her to feel bad. We drifted apart, and though we still kept in touch, it wasn't the same as before. A few years later, she got the chance to study abroad, and turned it down because she was afraid of living on her own (she has always lived with her parents). I was really irritated by this after she said she was jealous, but didn't say anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some time later she moved to a different country. A few months ago, there was a conference in our town for aspiring musicians. I casually mentioned it to her and she got really excited and told me I had to go. Once I got back, I gave Anne a brief summary of what I learned, because I was afraid she might be jealous of me for getting to go. (this conference is held every year and she could have gone before, but never went. She couldn't go this time as she had moved away).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anne messaged me back, really excited, and asked me to give her all the details of what I learned, so I did. The way I see it, we both have the same passions and if our roles were reversed, I'd want to know everything she learned. I told her everything so that it was like she'd been there herself. She never replied. I waited, but after 2 weeks it became obvious she wasn't going to reply and I started thinking that maybe she was jealous about this too. Eventually I messaged her something really generic, I didn't say anything about the conference or the fact that she never replied, and she didn't mention it either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then, we have drifted apart even more. Now all our communication is initiated by me. It was always like that, but after I started the conversation she usually kept it going like old times. But now, she just gives me some generic reply and doesn't bother to keep the conversation going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really know what to do because I don't want to lose her as a friend. I don't understand how she can be jealous of me about things she also has the chance to do. I've had problems too, life and death problems, and she knows about those. I just don't understand her, because I've never been jealous of anyone. I want our friendship to go back to the way it was before, but I'm also not sure if I want to be friends with her if she feels negatively about me. How do I make sure I don't lose this friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20670" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T11:45:58.690" Title="How to continue a friendship after my friend told me she's jealous of me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17343" CreationDate="2018-08-05T17:15:35.360" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;This really feels like an overthinking situation. People regularly tell me they are jealous of some opportunity I have worked hard for. I either say &quot;I know, isn't it great?&quot; and share my joy or &quot;been a long road but so worth it!&quot; and share my pride. Part of her &quot;jealousy&quot; may include that she is too timid to do such a thing herself, so your confusion that she didn't do it after saying she was jealous may be misplaced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be friends with Anne just be friends with Anne. Stop fussing about whether she's jealous or not and stop managing yourself to try to make sure you don't accidentally say something to make her feel jealous. If you want to talk about something you've done, do that in a way you enjoy, not in a &quot;you-couldn't-be-there-here's-the-summary-of-the-whole-thing-I'm-doing-you-a-favour&quot; way. Relax. Love your life. Let her see you love your life. Let her ask you questions about things she's interested in, and answer her with enthusiasm and delight when she does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Walking on eggshells around a person rarely saves a friendship. Generosity of spirit and shared passions are what keep a friendship going. Instead of minimizing things like music that are important to you both, embrace them. If she really doesn't want to talk to you because you are succeeding where she held back, you won't be able to fix that by holding back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-08-05T17:15:35.360" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17348" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-05T23:16:51.637" Score="8" ViewCount="679" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently moved into a shared home where my landlord is one of the roommates. Shortly after her husband passed away. Understandably she’s been upset and stressed. Also I was told it was the husband who generally took care of things around the house, like repairs. She had been staying with family for a bit but now is back. During her time away her son dropped by and told me to contact him if there are any issues. I told him the Wi-Fi hasn’t been working properly (I tried fixing it myself and called the ISP but they don’t speak to someone not on the account). The son replied his mom is under too much stress right now to deal with it, which I get.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is how long should I wait, or how can I tell if she’s ready to be informed of some of my concerns regarding the rental? I have a lot of trouble knowing when and how to “cut someone slack”. For example the past two days there have been renovations/cleaning/redecorating which I hadn’t been informed of and I couldn’t use several parts of the house and even in my room it was very noisy. I would like to have the conversation with the landlord that I expect advance notice when things like this are happening but not sure if now is the right time given her husband's passing (I actually mentioned I didn’t know this was happening and they said “it wasn’t supposed to happen today”). Also, it’s insignificant as I never watch it but during the renovations the TV has been removed and it’s technically in my lease. I don’t want to nitpick, especially given the circumstances, but things like this make me concerned they aren’t taking the rental agreement seriously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another factor making things difficult is the landlord is almost always surrounded by guests/friends/family when she is at home. I don’t really think it’s appropriate discussing these things in front of them and when I tried in the past they butted in and interrupted. Would it be impersonal to just start using email even though I literally live with the landlord? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19971" LastEditorUserId="290" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T01:02:57.887" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T15:01:27.570" Title="How to talk to someone about work after their significant other passed away" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17348" CreationDate="2018-08-06T01:20:22.170" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As in many situations, here the &quot;golden rule&quot; is a good guide: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Treat others as you would like them to treat you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, imagine the person you are closest to just died.  How long do you think it would take you to &quot;recover&quot;?  A week?  A month?  Never?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not about how much time you should wait.  It's more about consideration and courtesy.  While the real-world responsibilities don't go away when we mourn, it's simple courtesy to allow the grieving person as much time as they need to get themselves together.  Some people recover faster than others, and some deal with grief by immersing themselves in their work or household chores.  You never really know how long it will be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not bother the mother.  Instead, since he has already offered himself as the go-between, I would contact the son.  Let him know that you want to give his mother the space she needs, but the ongoing renovations and lack of expected services (like the wi-fi and the TV) put you in a bind, because they are part of your lease and you rely on them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps suggest they put the redecorating on hold until the mother feels able to supervise the process, and is available to discuss the situation with her tenants.  If that's not possible, then I would just put up with it, assuming it won't take more than a week.  Renovations are a pain, but thankfully they are temporary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, mention that you are available to help with the wi-fi if the son can just talk to the ISP to allow you to manage the repair.  Be considerate and polite, but still firm about the need to take care of it.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please let me help with this?  I only want to take the pressure off of your mother in this difficult time, and I would really like to keep this from becoming a more serious issue.  It's such an easy fix, it would be simpler to just get it done, don't you think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T15:01:27.570" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T15:01:27.570" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17343" CreationDate="2018-08-06T01:58:29.090" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that you lost her as a friend (if she ever really was one) long ago. I think you need to just accept that whatever this was, it has run its course. It's time to move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It appears you and your friend aren't really passionate about the same things, and she has given strong indicators that she has no particular interest in maintaining communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A genuine friend would not be jealous about you having the opportunity to study abroad. She would have been happy for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This bit really clinches it I believe...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since then, we have drifted apart even more. Now all our communication&#xA;  is initiated by me. It was always like that, but after I started the&#xA;  conversation she usually kept it going like old times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't actually have a friendship with this person if you are always initiating the communication, and she isn't particularly bothered whether she responds or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's time for you to find some better friends, who share common interests and passions, and let this other person naturally fade out of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T01:58:29.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-06T03:54:04.047" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I tactfully communicate with Tom that what he's saying is out&#xA;  of line or that he cannot control the decisions I make?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry to hurt you, but this is my life and my decision to make.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will likely end your friendship, and that is his decision to make. The same way that he cannot control who you date, you cannot control who he is friends with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships are a dirty game and as a man, I honestly have no idea where women get this idea of &quot;staying friends&quot;. To us men, that sounds and feels like any deeper feelings weren't real. Going back to friendship after a relationship attempt is something that sometimes happens by itself, but almost always depends on both parties realising that a relationship doesn't work and being friends was better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you break a man's heart, you don't get to keep the pieces.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My namesake doesn't mean what he says. What he really means is: &quot;I still love you and this hurts me, so I'll go away and quietly cry in the corner.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; be able to have an ex-boyfriend-now-friend and a new boyfriend at the same time. Men don't work like that. Time might heal those wounds, but at this time, give him space, forget about the friendship, and if you are lucky, one day in a couple of months, he may come back, after he's dealt with his feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T03:54:04.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-06T06:08:06.900" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, your comfort with table manners is your own decision. May you violate table manners in public due to your disability? Yes. You may violate them even without a disability. There is no law against it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are worried about the diner owner kicking your out, talk to them. They'll appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are worried about strangers' sideways glances, I cannot assure you that seeing you eat with your hands will not bother anyone. It will probably bother some. But you know your reasons. If said stranger has nothing better to do than to dwell on the normal-looking person next table who seems to be helping themselves with their hands, let them dwell on it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9999" LastEditorUserId="9999" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T06:32:32.120" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T06:32:32.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17354" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-06T07:57:21.027" Score="0" ViewCount="807" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a male 28yo, my SO is a girl 25yo. We've been together two years and a half.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've each compenetrated the other's lives, we think similar about a lot of things and in some other things we have different postures wich makes our conversations pretty stimulating. We've also did a lot of things together through all this years that are totally remarkable and special for both of us. More than we did with previous couples, making this relationship pretty rewarding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last weekend suddenly she wanted to give ourselves a time, to see if she can deal with being alone. The reason was that she has this thought about travelling to Germany and spend a year living alone, or doing a EVS (European Volunteering Service), not for the sake of volunteering but to be alone in another country, I think it this way because she doesn't do any volunteering here to help poors or animal rights associations or even some volunteering in events teaching kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point of view is that if she want to go live abroad we as a couple can manage to do it, she is going star a PhD program this september, and we don't have to be in the country. But she doesn't care, her point is that she want to be alone abroad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's kind of unfair because if you are with somebody you want to be with that person, even though you need your loneliness moments, which I need too. So this means that we can move abroad an she will have freedom to meet people and to do what she wants, and share that experience like every couple living together. However I love her, and I don't want her to be forced to abandon her dreams for me. So I told her her do what he wanted with our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two hours after we both went home and me saying that she has to do what she feels she has to do, regarding leaving me or stay appart a time until she decides to leaving me, aka &quot;giving us a time&quot;. After that decission, she called me and said she wanted to be with me and see me at that moment, that she loves me. We met, everything went great. We met two more days and it went ok but something was blocking her, therefore blocking us. So I asked her &quot;you love me?&quot; She answered &quot;Yes&quot;, &quot;Do you want to be with me?&quot; she answered &quot;Yes&quot;, &quot;Are you allright with your decission?&quot; then she answered &quot;Ummmm.... well yes&quot;. This doubt is what is making me afraid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like she really loves me and thinks only great things about this relationship, but right now she is with me trying to reevaluate the relationship, maybe searching for things that can justify breaking up, while, conciously or not, taking decissions that she knows won't allow us to have much time to see us. It's just speculation, as it can be that she only feels bad for all of this and is still stressed about the situation, or worse, that she doesn't want to lose the money we spend on buying a trip to Sicily for this september. Where she confessed she wanted to give me a proposal ring, wich curiously was what I wanted to do too, I've already preordered it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So my question is&lt;/strong&gt;. What is the best course of action, to communicate her that she has to fully commit to my decission, whatever decission it is, but without stressing her out or forcing to decide out of pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I thought was not going out together this week and saying clearly that if she is going to go out with me and will be constantly reevaluating the relationship searching for a reason to break, I preffer to wait until she is totally decided. Doing this will probably stress her a lot more, and can be a reason to break since I can seem a bit unreasonable, and also we won't be doing anything about the trip probably losing all that money. The other thing is to keep meeting with her and being good and happy, the same guy as if nothing had happened. This brings me some issues, because in my last relationship my ex broke with me, then we continued being together and I chose this option, being the good boy as if nothing happened, and then she broke up with me just before going on a Erasmus. So this will mentally be hard for me, but maybe it's the best option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things to take into account:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We both like to travel, we even opened a travel blog.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Right now officially she decided to be with me, just after two hours of saying me that she wanted a break.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-The reasons that lead me to think about her reevaluating the relationship are a few comments that came out of nowhere in conversation. Like &quot;You are really beautiful&quot;, &quot;You are very good to me&quot;, &quot;You always take me to gorgeours places&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Since we met we traveled (counting only 3 or more days stays) to two cities in the region, to one city in another region, to a camping in some coastal area, to London, and Milano. This year we wanted to go Sicily as I said before and maybe Scotland or Belgium.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She also traveled alone or with other people, to Liverpool where two sisters of her live, to South Spain since she did there a Masters degree (we are from the north of Spain, and Germany that was a present of her sisters for Christmas.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I work full time with lunch break, wich means working from 8:30 to 18:30, which means that most of the year except summer we mostly hang out together in weekends. Due to responsibilities it's hard to meet in the week regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Since this year she works when they call her in a farm where schools organize excursions to learn about farm work. In may and june she works most of times five days a week 8 hours per day, plus 2 hours of commuting. Most of the year maybe it's one or two days of work by month in average, not pretty well paid, but she goes, because that way she is occupied and can earn some money for the weekends.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We were planning to go together abroad on a work grant next year.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She doesn't want to go living UK to search some better job and be near her sisters, because her mother will be alone in her house, and also has some debts to pay and a restaurant that isn't going too well.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She admitted that she loves me. That she thinks I'm beautiful and all of that. I believe her, since she repeated and showed affection in concordance. Even now she says that she loves me and that I'm the best person in her life. That she feels bad for putting me in this situation. Also recognized that she has too much pride against me for being a man and that he isn't too constant with what she starts.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20682" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T07:29:14.387" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T07:29:14.387" Title="Dealing with freedom problems with SO" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-08-06T12:26:43.840" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17332" CreationDate="2018-08-06T07:59:25.950" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's going to be weird no matter what — sharing food is a huge human social activity since well before civilization.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend emphasizing that your friends' company is the reason why you're out, and that you prefer to only eat food that you prepare yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People will ask you why, and you'll likely have to explain. There are a few strategies to deal with this, let's go over them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Deflect attention from the question by re-emphasising why you're there anyway (&quot;I don't eat food that I don't prepare, but I like hanging out with you folks&quot;) or trying to make people comfortable (&quot;I don't eat out, but don't let that stop you from enjoying!&quot;). Works but this may have people assume that you're doing so for private reasons and get even more curious about it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Explain your concern with the hygiene of food prepared at restaurants. I would not recommend this at all; it's either going to &quot;yuck your friends' yum&quot; and they won't enjoy their food, or they could feel offended that you don't trust the same places that they do.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;White lie: give an explanation that isn't true but that people are unlikely to challenge or argue with. You can argue a medical condition, such as severe allergies, or that you're not hungry at all, or that you're on a strict diet for medical reasons... Some people resort to this to avoid discussing the real reason but I don't encourage that either because you might end up getting deeper into your lie, and especially if these are people you're going to meet over and over, they'll figure out this isn't true and it'll backfire.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell your friends you can't make it to the main course but would like to join them &quot;for coffee&quot;. Show up after they sit down and order food, and order a drink (coffee, can of soda, whatever you feel comfortable with). You don't actually have to drink it if you don't want to but it'll attract less attention than not ordering anything at all.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A note on the last one. Depending on the restaurant, some will have policies against customers taking up a spot without ordering. Ordering a drink should make the restaurant whole, more or less, since often times they make all the margin on drinks. Be conscious that some of your friends may be uncomfortable if people in their party are not ordering because they may feel the social pressure to order from the restaurant. Thus I would recommend buying a drink in any case (be it a bottle of water) as it will deflect attention overall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18545" LastEditorUserId="18545" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T14:46:26.887" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T14:46:26.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17283" CreationDate="2018-08-06T09:02:59.067" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not there to play the police, yet I can't let people commit small (or not-so-small) crimes without doing anything, because the association might suffer from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is exactly what you should say.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if they don't understand (or pretend not to understand) and get nasty about it, you can ask them to leave your event just like you would any troublemaker.  It is not &lt;em&gt;likely&lt;/em&gt; to come to this if you are &lt;strong&gt;polite, persisent and persuasive.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can apologize, you can be polite about it, but this is the real truth—if you condone their &lt;em&gt;currently&lt;/em&gt; illegal acts, you place the entire event and the entire association at legal risk of being shut down by the police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can absolutely hold the line on this.  Depending on your own personal stance, and how argumentative they are about this, you might add something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, I'm not here to judge, and I'm not here to play cop.  I just need to keep this event safe, family friendly, and also keep it on a legal footing.  Let's take care of it ourselves before some local resident complains and it turns into &quot;no fun&quot; for everybody.  None of us wants that to happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could approach it more casually:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey guys, I overheard you about your smoking choices—I've got no problem with that, but we really need to keep it clean here at the venue.  It's a privately rented space and there's rental agreements and all that, so can you please hold off on that stuff until you get home?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(There's a difference between confronting someone currently smoking an illegal drug, and confronting someone who you merely heard talking and planning to smoke one later.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1919" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T09:02:59.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17354" CreationDate="2018-08-06T09:48:24.893" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a situation a lot of couples find themselves in today. I feel that there is a &quot;gap&quot; between the youthful desire to express your individuality, experience freedom,  go traveling etc - and the natural desire to &quot;settle down&quot;, start a family etc. Most people want both - to enjoy their freedom while they are young and then find time to experience the joy of having a family etc later in life. Even though you have done some traveling together and it sounds like you could have a good life enjoying your shared interests together, most people do still see their life in two halves and find it hard to draw a line and decide when is the right time to cross from one to the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds to me like your SO, who is a &lt;em&gt;bit&lt;/em&gt; younger than you, is stuck in this &quot;gap&quot;. She has spent two and a half years with you, so deep down she probably wants the stability comes with a relationship, but she also seems to want some more time doing something independently, to do some traveling on her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't assume that she is re-evaluating your &lt;em&gt;relationship&lt;/em&gt; unless she has actually said that. What she has actually said is that she wants &lt;em&gt;a specific time&lt;/em&gt; apart to see if she can &quot;&lt;em&gt;deal with being alone&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. It sounds more like she is re-evaluating &lt;em&gt;herself&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although it might hurt to be apart from her, you are going to have to accept it. If she has some doubts about being in the relationship then you wont help that by being controlling, or trying to talk her out of going traveling alone. Even if she were talked out of it, she'd probably regret it forever and that would put a strain on your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are right - being in a relationship with someone should mean stability, that is being together, building a life together, enjoying life and experiences together. I'm not saying that this is normal, to suddenly leave your partner for a year with the possibility that they may never return. But you are both young, and if she's suddenly thought to herself &quot;&lt;em&gt;oh no - I'm 25 years old, I've never done this, or that, or the other, and my boyfriend is about to give me a proposal ring, I've wasted my youth&lt;/em&gt;&quot; then you've got to let her work this out otherwise it will only come back again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What is the best course of action, to communicate her that she has to fully commit to my decision, whatever decision it is, but without stressing her out or forcing to decide out of pressure?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really love her and believe you have a future then your best chance of that happening is to &lt;em&gt;show her&lt;/em&gt; that you are the best option, not &lt;em&gt;not tell her&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best approach is to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Be supportive&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Couples support each other in a relationship, so by being supportive in this you are showing a good quality that could win her back. Say you'll support her in her decision.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Set reasonable limits&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Without being paranoid or clingy, you need to state your expectations. You don't want to be left for a year wondering if you are still together, or if you are free to see other people. She says she is going off to be alone, but you should show her that you will not wait around forever by setting a limit, not for her to come back, but to make a decision on your relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Don't try any emotional tactics&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. Your natural inclination might be to &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; you support her but perhaps still play the &quot;wounded&quot; card in the hope she'll change her mind. Don't. It isn't an attractive quality and it wont win her back. If anything, emotionally charging the situation will only force her to make a decision on your relationship that you might not like.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try this approach, or similar:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, if you really want to go to Europe for a year, I'll support you doing that. Make your arrangements. All I ask is that you tell me straight if we are breaking up, or just having time apart. I love you, and I'm prepared to wait for you, but not forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says it is over, be strong, but continue to be supportive. Remember, she seems to be torn. When she realises that she can't keep you hanging she &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; re-think, although don't count on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says you are just on a break, then just make your expectations clear. You decide what is acceptable or not, but I would say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay. I &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; wait for you. For me that means being loyal, too. I couldn't get back to how we are now if you'd been with anybody else. If that changes, you need to tell me immediately so I can move on with my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think a year is too long to waste without knowing, you could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you'll be away for a year, but after [6 months] I'd like us to talk and decide on the state of our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that after only a few months in Europe she could &quot;re-evaluate&quot; and realise she misses you. In which case you could maybe go visit her, get things back on track, and break up the year wait?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are lots of possibilities that could come from this. Don't try to control or change what &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; wants - just be clear about what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want, and be the good guy. I hope things work out for the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-08-06T09:55:10.243" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T09:55:10.243" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17359" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17360" CreationDate="2018-08-06T10:05:15.367" Score="73" ViewCount="25957" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of my friends have gone down the marriage with 2.4 kids route. Great for them but it does eat most of their time/money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not having done that, I can afford a decent house, to have a couple of holidays each year, and to spend money on luxuries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when they ask what I have been up to, I feel genuinely awkward.  I know they would do the same in my situation, so what is the problem? Believe me, I am not the bragging type.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell them these details without sounding like I'm bragging?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question has got nothing to do with putting a monetary value on having children.  I am NOT saying that not having kids is better than having kids.  If I did then I wouldn't be asking this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9694" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-15T18:52:05.387" LastActivityDate="2019-05-15T18:52:05.387" Title="How to talk about my comfortable lifestyle without sounding like I'm bragging?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17360" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17359" CreationDate="2018-08-06T11:27:54.463" Score="164" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know a mother with two kids who frequently mentions how much she envies my career and my current relaxed life. But, of course, she would never even think about trading her life and her kids for mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Different life choices give different rewards. There is nothing wrong with showing photos of your vacation, while they show photos of their kids and homes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing you can take care of, if you worry about making them feel bad, is to show appreciation and interest for their sides. Ask about the kids, ask whether they redesigned the garden, whether they grow vegetables themselves, etc.. To convey the interest, you can try to be specific with the questions (ask for grades of the kids, the current harvest, whether the house stays cool during summer, ...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4291" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T11:27:54.463" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17343" CreationDate="2018-08-06T11:45:58.690" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me just focus on the jealousy aspect: why wouldn't she be jealous?  Jealousy boils down to a feeling of resentment for something you could or should have had equally well, and all of the things you tell of are of that kind!  Of course, it's her own damn fault for being too chickenshit about life, but do you think that this &lt;em&gt;decreases&lt;/em&gt; the resentment?  Basically your acts are rubbing it in for her that she's wasting her life by not actually doing what she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now there isn't really a lot you can do here I think.  She feels locked out and she is holding the key herself, and you remind her of it.  So while she is still holding onto that key, she tries blending you out in order not to make her feel she needs to change anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this is of course just guessing, and asking her directly is not going to deliver a lot more information if that guess is sort of in the right ball park because the whole point of such a behavior pattern is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to think too much about stuff like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just for shining a bit more light on a possible explanation for the &quot;jealousy&quot; bit which you feel does not make sense.  Of course it does not make sense even after explanation, but in a quite more roundabout way.  Jealousy rarely tends to lead to useful results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user20688" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T11:45:58.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17359" CreationDate="2018-08-06T11:46:21.087" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;What makes you think it's bad to sound a bit bragging in the first place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's usually not advisable to brag out of the blue that you've been on your umpteenth holiday that anyone with kids probably can't afford. But that's not the situation as I understand it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You were asked what you've been up to. This means they started with showing at least some interest. At this point it's socially acceptable to brag a bit. Talk about your vacation just like anyone else would about theirs. The fact that you can go on expensive holidays more often AND are still able to afford more luxury items as well has nothing to do with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just pick the things to brag about. For example, my colleague has bought a new VR set that he had delivered to our work. Being in a somewhat relaxed working environment he even set it up so he could try it out there when everyone was watching. Of course, this was bragging. Not even hiding it. But it was fine since everyone else was interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all know we could afford it if we didn't spend our money on other things like kids/vacations/... The fact that you can afford it without compromising something else is just nice on your part. If you would brag once or twice a year on something awesome you did (a certain trip, a new VR set, ...) and at most casually mention the other cool stuff I don't think anyone would really mind it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you notice someone does get somewhat jealous about all the cool stuff you can do and you start feeling like you're bragging too much you can turn it around to what they think is more important. Give them the opportunity to brag about something else, like what their kids achieved lately, something you won't be able to brag about in the first place. This should balance out the jealousy and keep the conversations in general pleasant for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T13:30:40.120" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T13:30:40.120" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17363" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17552" CreationDate="2018-08-06T11:56:32.550" Score="8" ViewCount="481" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently (well, a few months ago now) backed a project on Kickstarter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was not my first one, so I was fairly prepared (I thought) to the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, turned out I was wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unlike other times, this package was blocked at the customs. The customs office then sent me a letter that was delivered 3 days after the package was sent back because I failed to collect it in time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I immediately contacted the creator, asking to send it back as soon as possible, and offering to pay for the new stamps in the way they would prefer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After 4 weeks the package was still nowhere to be seen. I contacted the customs, and the delivery company. They claim the last info they have is from before it was given to the customs, and that it is the sender's job to open an inquiry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told the sender as much, but it is now more than 2 weeks ago, and I have not heard anything back since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would like to push the issue with the sender, but I would like to avoid coming across as unfriendly and invasive.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in the EU and they are in the US, if it matters culture-wise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is an appropriate way to signal that I would like to be kept up-to-date with any development, without coming across as excessively demanding?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I do not consider this customer support, since there is only one person in the company on the other side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9000" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T16:21:16.380" LastActivityDate="2018-08-12T03:52:12.150" Title="How to press to receive updates without sounding obnoxious?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17359" CreationDate="2018-08-06T12:46:24.110" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sometimes people like to live vicariously.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, your friends have had kids and are unable to do some of the things they used to find enjoyable. Hearing about your adventures could be a way for them to relive their glory days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is more likely if they're always asking what you've been up to, and look a bit disappointed if you haven't spent the last week doing something awesome like playing sweet guitar solos while riding a rocket-powered skateboard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to worry about appearing bragging in the first place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were prone to bragging or arrogance then your friends wouldn't be asking what you've been up to. Furthermore, feeling awkward in response to being asked what you've been up to is not the response of a braggart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer explores an alternative reason why your friends might be interested in what you have been up to, which gives another reason why you don't have to worry about appearing bragging. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9468" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T05:43:04.617" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T05:43:04.617" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17366" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-06T14:34:49.353" Score="10" ViewCount="1716" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was previously invited to a friend's birthday party and was happy to go. They then announced that it would be a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Costume_party&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;costume party&lt;/a&gt; (UK, so &quot;fancy dress party&quot;) and I've had to pull out because I've never been able to wear costumes (it makes me embarrassed to the level of blushing so hard I feel faint - regardless of wanting to wear it or not). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this means they now know that's the reason and are trying to persuade me otherwise, since from their point of view going in a costume is just a bit of random fun, and they say I'm just being boring. At the same time, if I continue to press the point or even if I managed to get an exception to the costume rule, then a good chunk of the planning and appearance of the event would end up being defined by my personal problems, which is the last thing I want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I politely make clear that this is not an option for me without that casting a shadow over the whole thing for my friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19407" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T01:15:06.620" LastActivityDate="2019-01-02T22:15:32.083" Title="How do I politely turn down a costume party invitation because I am too embarrassed to wear a costume?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3043" CreationDate="2018-08-06T14:41:25.387" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the correct approach is to see if the neighbour will split the cost, and if you are really desperate, you can offer to pay in full.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will almost certainly get nowhere if you ask the neighbour to pay for the fence in full, even if it their responsibility. If they were concerned about the fence they would have already repaired it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think this is a difficult conversation to initiate with a neighbour. I'd literally knock on the door and suggest it, no need for cakes and other feigned bonhomie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, a word of caution. We did a similar thing with our neighbour. She agreed to split it 50-50. Then when it was time for her to pay her share, she wrote a bouncy cheque! Took a while to get the money out of her in the end, all very embarrassing and not a very positive experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry to be an old cynic, but (coming from a UK perspective), be wary of having any expectations about your neighbours' interest in maintaining their own property, or in minimising the impact on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6238" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T14:41:25.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17359" CreationDate="2018-08-06T14:46:49.363" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;The content of what you're saying isn't necessarily bragging, it would be down to how you say it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So an old friend with a kid or two walks up and says, &quot;So what have you been up to lately?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, thanks to not having children I have really nice holidays each year and a really nice house! What have you been up to???&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's bragging, the way it's said, even when reading it, sounds like gloating, &quot;I have something you don't&quot;. Just changing a few bits changes it from bragging to just chatting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I've got my own place, I work and go an a holiday or two a year, but then again, I haven't got kids so it's easier to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both have the same basic content in what is being conversed, but one sounds arrogant and the other sounds sympathetic to family life. If you decieded that you don't want kids because it would effect you current life too much, be honest. If you add on &quot;I just don't think family life is for me&quot;, it still sounds sympathetic and it shows you've thought about it at least briefly and decided to take a different path.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Body language as always plays an important role as well though. Provided you don't think you genuinely have the better life and therefore you are not trying to brag, by not bragging, your body language will portray that message as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bragger generally makes themselves taller and looks over confidently at the person they are speaking to, while grinning derisively at them, while looking like they don't really care what the other person does or says. A caring person in conversation looks relaxed and interested in what others have to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something also worth noting is taking the time to listen to them. If you explain about your life and then don't listen to them, that's definitely going to come across as arrogant and as you bragging, believe me. If they are parents, their personal time is far more important to them than yours is to you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20692" LastEditorUserId="483" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T21:03:29.390" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T21:03:29.390" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17369" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-06T14:58:08.417" Score="4" ViewCount="1626" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's call my friend &lt;em&gt;Bob&lt;/em&gt; and the story girl &lt;em&gt;Alice&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in class with &lt;em&gt;Bob&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;Alice&lt;/em&gt;. Some day Bob posted a picture of a gun (not his; from the Darknet, because he was drunk) in our class chatroom (WhatsApp). A few days after, a policeman came into our classroom and took Bob outside. Later on, when he was back, I asked him what happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob recognized he did a wrong thing and apologized to the whole class. Please note that we've all known each other for more than 5 years, so we know he was drunk when he did it. The class took it as a joke, and we all moved on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, now here's where things are getting pretty strange:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob was suspended for three days, apologized and accepted the punishment without any discussion. A few days after the talk with the police, a teacher went into our classroom and asked the whole class what they have to say about Bob's action. Everyone remained silent but Alice, who said &lt;strong&gt;Bob would kill everyone in the class&lt;/strong&gt; and mentioned some things Bob has done several years ago to prove her right, like the fact that Bob used to throw firecrackers to the ground with another friend from the class. The problem is that Bob was &lt;em&gt;legally&lt;/em&gt; throwing these firecrackers on &lt;em&gt;New Year's Eve&lt;/em&gt;, so there was nothing harmful nor unsafe in his actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Literally the whole class told Alice she shouldn't have said such things. Bob never hurt her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once he came back from his suspension, Bob was told by the class what Alice said about him. To my surprise, he wasn't even angry. He just said that he totally understands Alice and that he's really sorry for the whole thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of weeks after that, Bob got suspended again for three weeks for the &quot;picture-class-story&quot;, and when he came back, Alice offered him to lend her notebooks for he can get the lessons missed during the suspension. Bob didn't ask anybody for borrowing notebooks, and she spontaneously offered hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About one month later after the “picture-class-story“, Alice claimed &lt;em&gt;completely out of the blue&lt;/em&gt; that Bob has been following her on her way home (&lt;strong&gt;which isn't true&lt;/strong&gt;, because he is always the first one to leave the class and goes home right after). The police came again, and Alice said something that really surprised the policeman :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I see that this is impossible that Bob followed me. I withdraw my statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice's attitude toward Bob is very variable, going back and forth from positive to negative. She stares at him during breaks and she and a friend of hers even call him by a nickname. When a teacher was criticizing Bob and telling the class about their hatred toward him, Alice stood for him and defended him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob eventually changed schools, and I asked Alice after that why she did this to him. She said she had nothing against him... and that she didn't even really talked to him once in her life!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Bob does not hold a grudge against her either, but wonders why Alice always want to get him in such trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice asked me to help her reconcile with Bob. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can Alice try to do to reconcile with Bob after making false statements against him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20691" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T14:26:53.297" LastActivityDate="2019-10-14T16:15:33.680" Title="How do I help break the ice between Alice and Bob after past drama?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17372" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-06T15:42:01.017" Score="3" ViewCount="448" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was considering to join a colocation I found on the internet with an advertisement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For practical reasons (waiting for the rental agreement) the possible roommate proposed me to move in as a guest temporarly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it's been two weeks and I discovered that the flat is very dirty and poorly kept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first he told me that the previous roommate was neglecting, but now I have big doubts about his previous roommate's responsibility, and serious worries about his lifestyle that I'd have to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He told me that he got personnal problems that made it complicated and stated that he was near a mental breakdown, and that he also needed a roommate for financial reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I have my own problems too and I don't want to sacrifice my health to support him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet, I don't want to hurt him and make it worse for him by telling what I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could I express my worries about all these points without being perceived as denigrating and without hurting his feelings?&lt;/strong&gt; Is it even possible?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11184" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T21:46:37.267" Title="How to express worries about lifestyle without being perceived as denigrating?" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-08-07T07:17:19.730" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17373" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17375" CreationDate="2018-08-06T18:57:57.633" Score="3" ViewCount="316" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am the sole tenant of a rented apartment. Periodically the estate agents managing the property perform visits to check the state of the building.&#xA;I work away from home for extended periods (~ 3 weeks) and use the apartment for storage and washing. I rarely have time to tidy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Events&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recieved an email from the estate agents informing me of a routine property visit in a weeks time. I am planning on calling (by phone) the representative for my building and requesting the visit to be postponed until after I return so I can prepare the apartment for viewing.&#xA;The issue is that on the previous visit they were unhappy with the tidyness of the apartment. I feel that by asking for the visit to be delayed I am admitted that it is in a similar condition now. I worry they will deny my request due to the results from the previous inspection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I phrase my request to give the representative little to no leverage over the outcome?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What reasons (or &amp;quot;excuse&amp;quot;) can I use to improve the chances of postponing the visit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I respond to the following questions/statements?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;Why do you need to delay the visit?&amp;quot; - after I make my request&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;The tidyness of the property is unimportant, we are looking for damage&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&amp;quot;What have you got to hide?&amp;quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would most likely become flustered and stutter when encountering the above whilst on the phone, having a script, or answers to these, prepared would help me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Result&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;I managed to contact them via email and said the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I spoke to REDACTED this morning in regards to postponing the property visit on the 14th until the week after (20th – 24th). She advised I contact you via email to discuss this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am requesting this because I am often away from REDACTED for extended periods and rarely have time to tidy. I would like the opportunity to prepare the apartment for your viewing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It worked I successfully rescheduled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12934" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T15:14:21.587" Title="How to ask estate agents to postpone property visit?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-08-06T22:37:09.237" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17374" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1467" CreationDate="2018-08-06T19:08:49.160" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the perspective of the parent, if my child plays a game with adults, he knows they're not obliged to go easy on him or give him a handicap. So if he comes in there with some smack talk, feel free to crush him. Do not underestimate him in Connect Four or Catan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, if he humbly asks you to go easy on him, as a parent I would appreciate it if you tried to make it fun for everyone. If a new player has a good first experience with a hobby, you are strengthening that hobby for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5615" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T19:08:49.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17375" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17373" CreationDate="2018-08-06T19:39:57.077" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why not just respond with the truth? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can we postpone the visit until [date that works better]? I won't have a chance to tidy up the apartment for viewing until then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a right to enjoy your apartment (and that means leaving it untidy to an extent) and if the agents don't mind the mess then they'll let you know, otherwise you've already let them know that it's not tidy and they can't take issue with you not telling them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20702" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T19:39:57.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17376" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17373" CreationDate="2018-08-06T21:35:02.163" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simply inform them that you are not in town for a viewing until whatever date. Your absence is enough of a reason - if that doesn't cut it, clarify that you would prefer to be present when people enter your home. This request is reasonable, and in general, unless there's a leak or some other time-sensitive issue, property management should be receptive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20587" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T21:35:02.163" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17373" CreationDate="2018-08-06T21:36:09.197" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;To me it seems like the perfect time for a viewing is when you're out of town and won't be disturbed. Te only downside for them is that it might be messy. I suppose there's a downside for you that they might complain it was messy, but I don't see what consequences there are other than hearing a complaint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would call and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I got your notification that you're planning to come on the 13th for a viewing. Right now the apartment is quite messy, and I am out of town and won't be back until the 27th. You're welcome to show it while I'm gone, but I wanted you to know what sort of state it is in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then let them make their own decisions; they're adults. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I'm assuming your rental agreement doesn't include keeping it tidy at all times, and they want a viewing either to show it to the tenant after you, or to look for damages they need to repair.  It being messy makes these things harder for them, so they should be motivated to choose a different time. If in fact you are obliged to keep it tidy, then I'm afraid you need to live as though there could be inspections any time, and don't go out of town leaving it messy. If you get a delay this time, don't ever need one again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T15:14:21.587" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T15:14:21.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17378" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17372" CreationDate="2018-08-06T21:46:37.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have already had some conversations about the state of the dwelling, wherein he explained that the previous roommate was irresponsible and that he was suffering from  mental health issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would continue the conversation like this:&#xA;&quot;Bob, can we continue the discussion about the cleanliness of the apartment? I understand that things have been difficult for you both personally and with the previous roommate's reticence to clean. I want to talk about plans going forward - I plan to contribute to the housework, but I don't want to move in if you don't have the energy to do the same. Do you foresee yourself being motivated to clean more in the near future, or should I find something else? If our lifestyles aren't going to mesh, I'd rather we quit while we're ahead.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he assures you in a way you find satisfactory that having someone else pitch in is all the motivation he'll need to clean his share, I'd suggest broaching the topics of designating chores &amp;amp; general expectations: things like 'wash your dishes within 24 hours', 'your room can be a mess but the living room should stay tidy', 'I'll do _____ if you do ____'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20587" LastActivityDate="2018-08-06T21:46:37.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17366" CreationDate="2018-08-06T22:11:20.557" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's a houseparty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There might be solution were you don't have to wear a costume to the party without being seen as a 'party-pooper'(as i think that is the way you see it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;If there is a pub nearby which is ok and they quite like it too(especially if it's the hosts' local - just let them know and go for a drink there. Either the hosts or possibly one of the others will pull you to the do anyway.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not a party exactly, 2 friends were going to a gig at a decent pub, we don't see each other that often, and somehow-(can't remember offhand)- I just had a drink or two with them beforehand. Dare say this arrangement could be called into play some othertime. It was nice to see them and a pleasant change from the routine as the pub isn't centrally located.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you haven't said is if it's a houseparty or at a prebooked venue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if it's a pre booked party- just ask if they wanted to meet up for a drink nearby beforehand.This would also have the benefit of giving them any cards or presents in person. In that way you're still involved and get to see your friends/family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20706" LastEditorUserId="20706" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T07:20:44.460" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T07:20:44.460" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17366" CreationDate="2018-08-07T01:08:52.530" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Get a t-shirt that says &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.etsy.com/listing/539727425/this-is-my-human-costume-im-really-a?gpla=1&amp;amp;gao=1&amp;amp;&amp;amp;utm_source=google&amp;amp;utm_medium=cpc&amp;amp;utm_campaign=shopping_us_-clothing-unisex_adult_clothing-tops_and_tees-tshirts&amp;amp;utm_custom1=11e1cf01-4ed6-4557-863e-6ab76ad07b95&amp;amp;gclid=EAIaIQobChMI79Cbwt3Z3AIVyWSGCh3dSQu0EAQYAyABEgK10PD_BwE&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This is my Human Costume&lt;/a&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/bC35C.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/bC35C.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;picture of a t-shirt saying &amp;quot;This is my human costume (I&amp;#39;m really a worm)&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither boring nor are you forced to wear a costume. They already know your objections, and this way, you've participated ironically without having to bow to a dress code. You'll still have to plan your outfit, but it won't be about a costume. Anyone asks, say &quot;I'm not big into fancy dress, and I'd said yes before I knew it was a fancy dress party, so this is me.&quot; or &quot;I don't like dressing up, but I do like parties, so this is me.&quot; Or &quot;I'm not into fancy dress, but I do like NAMES OF FRIENDS HERE and wanted to come out tonight.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one says &quot;I'm really a worm,&quot; but there are a bunch of others that say &quot;I'm really a giraffe&quot; and so on...the most that might happen is that you might have to answer questions about really being a worm or a giraffe. (Answer &quot;I'm not a giraffe tonight for sure--I'm super human, look at me doing human things! I'm eating chips! It's a really good costume. Giraffes don't eat chips.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are other options out there &quot;Sorry I left my costume in the TARDIS&quot; for Doctor Who fans, t-shirts that say &quot;This is my Lazy Millennial Costume&quot; and so on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, this is the lowest of low effort while still fitting in and being fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just keep in mind that really, no one will probably care. Other people will be far more worried about their own stuff to give it much of a thought unless YOU make a big deal of it. Because it doesn't need to be, and your t-shirt can basically say that. I've been to parties in the U.S. where folks have worn these, and it's never been a big deal.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Congrats, you have now made it politely clear without saying a word, even though they already know! Once you've bought one of these, you'll now have a standard go-to outfit for any fancy dress party! Do wear pants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for not going to the party at all--you've really already done your due diligence on that basically saying &quot;I'm not doing a costume and I won't be the only one there not in costume.&quot; They are being the rude ones for not empathizing with you..You've pretty much said all that you can say, and they are being pushy and making you anxious. Just stay firm but kind if you opt not to go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With my solution, you neither have to wear a costume, nor are you excluded from the fun. And, I've seen this on folks who don't like costumes and people who just didn't feel like dressing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2019-01-02T22:15:32.083" LastActivityDate="2019-01-02T22:15:32.083" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-07T05:11:19.633" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you order your meal, ask the server for extra napkins, saying something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I have a problem with my hands that makes it difficult for me to eat neatly, may I have some extra napkins?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets the server, and the staff in general by extrapolation, know that there is a sympathetic reason why you are eating differently. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You will have to come up with a different small request if you are at the type of restaurant that has a napkin dispenser at each table.  Perhaps a few slices of bread to help contain the food, as another answer suggested. You can also ask the server for suggestions about what foods can be most easily eaten with unsteady hands. &quot;is this sandwich easy to eat neatly? I've got some trouble with my hands.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This transforms you from &quot;weird person breaking social norms and perhaps going to do something disruptive or dangerous&quot; to &quot;disabled person who we should at least pretend to accept.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source of advice: faded memory of someone bringing in a disabled child when I was working food service. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Added:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had an incident last night that might provide some extra guidance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my area public libraries are used extensively as community workspaces -- people come in with their laptops and phones and take advantage of free WiFi, air conditioning, convenient restrooms, etc.  Like a coffee shop without the coffee. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was doing some collaboration with a friend with a physical issue; I was sitting in a chair and he was lying on the carpet with his feet up on a chair.  A librarian came by and told him that chairs were for sitting and that he needed to change position.  Before he could answer I simply said &quot;he has a bad back&quot; and the librarian quietly said &quot;oh&quot; and walked away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just the hint of presenting it as a disability issue was enough to take the pressure off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="547" LastEditorUserId="547" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T13:17:57.977" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T13:17:57.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17386" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17366" CreationDate="2018-08-07T07:55:28.710" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I politely turn down a costume party invitation because I am too embarrassed to wear a costume?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you say: &lt;em&gt;they now know that's the reason and are trying to persuade me&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'd say: &lt;strong&gt;be honest&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't tell them the true reason if you don't feel like it, but let them know how their insistence on attending their party with a costume is making you feel &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put the cursor on your feelings, not on their behavior. Don't disclose what you want to keep hidden, but you need to set boundaries. Therefore, some explanation seems mandatory. For instance:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You guys already know how bad I feel about this &lt;em&gt;costume thing&lt;/em&gt; of yours. Please understand that it's something I can't go over. It's personal. I don't want to spoil your party, but, at the same time, don't want to explain any further, or feel uncomfortable, bad or weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was once in that kind of situation, very similar. I explained it to the folks in charge, they pushed a little more, I cut it short with a smile; and finally, didn't attend the party. I don't know if they noticed that I was not here, but I had no feedback, good or bad, the following days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T07:55:28.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17359" CreationDate="2018-08-07T08:23:57.093" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to brag, focus on things (stuff, income, achievments, whatever) you do have and they don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want the opposite, focus on things they do have and you don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask, answer honestly. If you regret the choice (you have sacrificed family life to live free), say or mention that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope I read your question right and you are single. You have decent house, but there is no one to call it home. You go often on (expensive) vacations but do you have anyone to share your feelings there with? You spend money on luxurious things to make your life comfortable but do you have someone to make their life comfortable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The different choices you and your friend made have different effects in different scales. You win in easy-to-assess wealth scales, they win in hard-to-quantify emotional scale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9991" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T08:23:57.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-07T10:06:44.073" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not sure, how I would communicate with him. However, I had a similar situation with my ex-girlfriend. And all I told her was in the vibe of: Whoever wins you over is the one who deserves you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(They are a real sweet couple by now)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe he needs his time to think about everything, but he is the one who is responsible to manage his feelings, not you. There is no need to make you feel guilty in his position. You where honest with him as soon as you realized it for yourself, that is all he could and should expect from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep that in mind, when communicating with him. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20719" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T10:06:44.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17389" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-07T10:58:10.213" Score="9" ViewCount="1894" Body="&lt;p&gt;A close and old friend of mine said he knew someone who wanted to hire me to make a computer program. This &quot;someone&quot; provided me with fake id and never paid me. I eventually traced my stolen program and found it was my friend who had been using it all along. My friend continues to deny his involvement and just keeps escalating things such as saying I hacked into his work computer to find out he was using the program and that he’s going to sue me for hacking. Actually my friend works at his dad’s company so he told his dad I hacked into their network and his dad called me. His dad seems to believe my side of the story but says he can’t really force his son to pay me (I have known his whole family for a very long time). My ex-friend also photo-shopped a contract with my signature on it to make it look like I agreed to something I hadn’t so he could resell the program. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am extremely confused and upset. There are many parts of what happened that don’t add up, my friend is very wealthy and I know he could have paid. Even if he didn’t want to pay I would have done it for free but not prioritized it above work that I’m paid to do and I think he knew this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I reported this to the police and they basically said it’s not worth the time, effort and money to go to court (though we are effectively my ex-friend did steal hundreds of dollars from me and had a fake identity to bully me around). The police advised me to stop contact with him and block him on social media.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have/had the same group of friends and I believe he is trying to discredit me so they won’t believe me when I say he has refused to pay me. How should I talk to the people in this group of friends as I think it’s fair that they hear my side of the story? I recently red something about how it’s a problem in our society how people try to stay out of other’s people business when those ripping off people really should be held accountable and be known for their actions. Given the complexity of the scam, and how I found out it was him, I can't really &quot;prove it&quot; to the circle of friends, for example my ex-friend just says I didn't get paid because it had a virus, which isn't true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want is for my other friends who know him not to believe the lies he is telling him and to make them aware he isn't to be trusted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20723" LastEditorUserId="20723" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T11:36:17.660" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T18:47:56.093" Title="(ex)friend scammed me and is trying to discredit me in group of friends. How can I proactivley let them know what happened?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="13" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17390" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17389" CreationDate="2018-08-07T12:28:12.880" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a very weird situation on your hand. I see that you have noted that you can't really prove it to your friends but I presume you are thinking that you need to prove it beyond reasonable doubt and that isn't really the case. I presume the value of the lost work isn't too high because you have not taken legal action yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How I would approach the situation is start by addressing the ex friend with the fake name he provided to you. This should spark the interest of your friends and they would inquire why you do that. From there you can give a short explanation to what happened. I would phrase the explanation in a somewhat humorous way, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, Mr John Smith approached me to develop a piece of software for him and he never payed me. I later traced the identity back to Ex friends name. It isn't important enough to bring to court but if wants to be John Smith I will call him John Smith. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might just laugh, they might join in on the joke. Having them inquire about the issue ends up much better for you as it doesn't sound that much like empty slandering or gossips. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you feel betrayed but sometimes losing some amount of money to get rid of a fake friend ends up better for you in the long run. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T12:34:46.430" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T12:34:46.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17391" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17389" CreationDate="2018-08-07T12:52:48.103" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First thing, what I would do, is talk the whole situation over with a Lawyer. I think it is necessary to get a good understanding of your options, before you decide how to go further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The things you list amount to some serious crimes. Fraud, forgery, reputational damage ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is imperative that you draw a line and fight back. If you just take the loss and move on - as you say his behavior does not quite add up - so it makes you look kind of guilty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are absolutely sure you are right, fighting back should be no problem. If you trust the father, maybe you can outline the severity of you ex-friends actions to him, and make him come to his senses. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If any attempt for a amicable solution fails, consider going to court. If he get´s convicted, that´s a pretty strong argument for your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T12:52:48.103" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17393" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17394" CreationDate="2018-08-07T14:06:54.780" Score="43" ViewCount="14454" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context :&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend (let's call her V) and I, are programmers, and sometimes we ask each other questions when we believe the other may have an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few times, she’s told me that I sounded patronizing in my answer (which might be the case, but I don't see how or why).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We usually never put punctuations at the end of our sentence, and when we do, it is usually a sign that an argument will start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The exchange usually happens like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;V: How do you do A by B?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: I don't know, I don't have the ecosystem on my computer to test it, but I believe the answer is C, let me check&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Delay of 5 minutes or so.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Ok the answer does seem to be C, according to this reference, this should work&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  V: How? Can you write it?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: (code solving A by B with C)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  V: Ok thanks.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Sorry for the delay, I was making sure I had the reference for it&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  V: Then you are very smart.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Why are you upset?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  V: Because you said like every dumb person would google that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;[argument continues]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe something in the way I express myself in that particular interaction was definitely wrong, when I was saying that I was looking for reference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However this is the way I usually interact with colleagues for technical questions and when I answer on Stack Overflow I make sure I have the right reference to back my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know we are talking about interactions with my girlfriend, but on technical issues I was assuming we were interacting like we would in a work fashion. Maybe this is my mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my question: &lt;strong&gt;how can I answer such a question without sounding like a patronizing guy, that has all the information?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Thank you very much for your inputs, there are a lot of good recommendations in the answers to the question. There was a clear difference between the tone of my exchange with her here and our general interactions (but no part lacking in this dialogue).&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Today we exchanged again about some programming topic and I used a tone we have more in our usual interactions and offered one solution that she looked up by herself and she found another solution.&#xA;The general gist was to give what I honestly think is the answer and trust her research, helping further if needed.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user20726" LastEditorDisplayName="user20726" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T13:13:23.537" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T11:36:30.747" Title="How to answer a technical question without sounding patronizing" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="13" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17393" CreationDate="2018-08-07T14:26:17.040" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;As this is your Girlfriend, I can see two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talk about your style of communication with her, and agree on how you will handle these incidences in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example my wife &lt;strong&gt;always&lt;/strong&gt; reminds me of speed traps (even though I know of most of them). We decided it's better to get that information one time too often than having to pay - so I can't be mad at her for reminding me of the obvious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, when she complains about work I only listen and &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; try to help, unless she specifically asks me to. I know she is not looking for help, but for sympathy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just ask her how she prefers you react to those incidences. Does she want you in logic-solution mode or in tactful (but less helpful) mode? It's much easier not to get upset about tone if you know what to expect.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Stop helping all the way. Just give her what you have and let her run with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could go like so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;V: How do you do A by B?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: I don't know, could it be something to do with C?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  V: Oh, sounds interesting. I'll look it up.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Ok, happy to help. If that does not work I'm happy to dig deeper with you. Just let me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what I usually do with colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="30" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T12:04:48.927" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T12:04:48.927" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17393" CreationDate="2018-08-07T14:34:28.797" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem with written communication is that the chances of the reader misinterpreting the meaning or the tone the writer intended are significantly higher. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, it would be a good idea to let her know that you were not trying to patronize her, at all, and that you are sorry if she felt that way. All you were trying to do is help her. You can mention what you said in your comment, that you know you have poor teaching skills, and it's something you are trying to improve (if that's the truth, of course), so you'd be happy to take her feedback on board.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, I'd recommend trying to use a similar writing style to the one you use with her for non-technical conversations. For example, if you use emojis, maybe include some emojis. I'm assuming here, but it could be possible that she takes your &quot;more serious writing tone&quot; as patronizing, when in reality, it's nothing but a &quot;more serious writing tone&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5550" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T14:34:28.797" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17393" CreationDate="2018-08-07T15:01:53.173" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I empathise with you, I sometimes have the same experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you work with computers, mathematics, data analysis or similar, you spend a lot of your time in a very binary world where everything is either right or wrong. Of course, when it comes to relationships of any kind, things &lt;em&gt;aren't&lt;/em&gt; so black or white, right or wrong, zero or one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be true that there are people in this world who are great with numbers but terrible with people, emotions etc. but not everybody that works in one of these fields is like that. In my experience you can be really in touch with emotions, both yourself and others, and still have the aptitude for working with the cold, hard facts of numbers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem you have is that these two worlds are colliding. You are talking to your girlfriend about a &quot;work&quot; subject and so you are speaking to her the way you might talk to a work colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you are learning from each other, in a way you are taking up the role of a teacher when you show each other things. There are different training styles used in a professional workplace which can fit different situations. To be honest, any of these styles may still be perceived as patronising because in your relationship you are partners, equals; but in any kind of teacher-student situation you are not really equal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If any teaching style is appropriate it would be &quot;coaching&quot;. When someone is being &quot;coached&quot; in a workplace they are basically being shown as little as possible and rely on the learners existing skills. If in your responses to your girlfriend you always acknowledge her skillset then you are showing respect for her. Try and point her in the direction of things she may already be familiar with. So for example, instead of saying &quot;Google it&quot; (which has become kind of patronising), if you know the answer might be on Stack Exchange for example, and you know she already uses the site, suggest she search there. Or if you are explaining something new, try to connect it to something she already knows, or even better, something she showed you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also avoid being dogmatic about things. Rather than say &quot;&lt;em&gt;this is the best way&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, try &quot;&lt;em&gt;I've found this to be the best way because...&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. This shows that you also acknowledge there may be different answers to the problem and that you have been through a learning process yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T15:01:53.173" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17389" CreationDate="2018-08-07T15:06:07.657" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's going to be really, really hard to do this in an informal setting like among a social group of friends, especially if he's heading you off with preemptive lies. Your friends simply may not believe you, and they are not a court of law, so formal evidence and proof will carry different weight there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your documentation (from comments above) is your best (and only) bet. Your friend's position is supported by his (fake) contemporaneous documentation. Your best defense is your own. You obviously can't have a copy of a contract that you never signed because it never existed, but the information you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have (communications with this fake persona) likely contradicts it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, your friend using a fake persona at all should weaken his argument substantially, and establish that he is less than honest. His explanations since then sound like they are inconsistent, at least in that he is not producing a specific case for his being correct but rather generating lies on-demand to deal with your accusations. Inconsistencies in his explanations may also be persuasive to your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, official action against him will be convincing. You've already gone to the police, but as they told you this is likely not worth their time and so a criminal conviction is probably out of reach. The more typical approach, in my understanding, would be for you to bring a lawsuit against him for anything you think he is guilty of and that you can prove-- theft (in the case of getting the program through deceit and never paying you, despite having agreed to), defamation, slander, and others. A judgment against him in such a suit would be a powerful, easy to convey and understand piece of evidence in your favor. Even a small claims court judgment in your favor would provide this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you consider a lawsuit, &lt;strong&gt;consult a lawyer&lt;/strong&gt;. Do not rely on advice from the internet (maybe consider asking on Legal.SE for some initial guidance, but that's not a substitute). A lawyer can advise you on how a suit would proceed, your chances of success, other options that may exist for you, and a (rough) estimate of costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T15:06:07.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17398" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17419" CreationDate="2018-08-07T15:47:40.690" Score="1" ViewCount="414" Body="&lt;p&gt;When someone else is giving me a treat, I’d prefer to keep quiet if the food is not delectable, as complaining might sour the atmosphere, or hurt his or her feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how should one respond if the tables are turned? That is, you treat someone to a meal, and he or she complains incessantly about the food to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20729" LastEditorUserId="17002" LastEditDate="2018-08-19T11:27:28.157" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T11:27:28.157" Title="Dining etiquette" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-08-08T11:04:35.377" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17399" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17393" CreationDate="2018-08-07T16:38:31.293" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're replying over chat, share a link to your search results (don't use LMGTFY) and point out which results you think look promising. She's smart enough to know how to google, but, and this is the important bit, the expertise you're giving her is knowing what the right search terms are... This way you are helping her solve the problem herself... pointing her in the right direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively if it's something on the simpler you can try something along the lines of &quot;Have you tried searching for B? You have? Hmm... What about C?&quot; A lot of times the real key isn't knowing the answer, it's knowing how to look up the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="389" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T16:38:31.293" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17400" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17403" CreationDate="2018-08-07T16:38:52.603" Score="-4" ViewCount="1177" Body="&lt;p&gt;One type of folks I am really, really annoyed with are the mothers talking about their first kids in their first years after birth.  They virtually cannot talk about &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; except their children.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After having observed this dreadful pattern for many unrelated moms for several years, I am wondering whether it is possible for them to speak normally and not about when their child learned to recognize the family members, to say the first word, to go to the john itself, or to start playing with the other kids. Such crazy talks of these moms are as automatic as machine guns; the moms are unstoppable and uninterruptible, physically unable to finish under half an hour. (My cousine is a prime example: she talks and I silently listen.) If you gather several moms in one room, you are guaranteed to keep them busy for the whole day unless they, well, need to take care of their kids. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, is it possible to get anything unrelated to their child from them upon asking a simple &quot;Hey Nancy! How are you doing?&quot; or is it better not to ask them anything at all?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My interpersonal goal is to improve my communication skills in this matter by getting out of a conversation I dislike or changing the topic quickly.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user20732" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2019-04-17T14:41:32.230" LastActivityDate="2019-04-17T14:41:32.230" Title="How (not?) to talk with moms" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17401" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17393" CreationDate="2018-08-07T16:41:23.417" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have two suggestions: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you interact well together when you're face to face, I assume you must be doing something different than when you're communicating by text. &lt;strong&gt;Find a way to express some of the things that you do face to face, in text.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me I make a lot of faces and verbal cues. So in text I use phrases like 'hmm' 'uhhh' 'maybe something like' , etc. It's almost a &quot;Stream of consciousness&quot; way of writing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found it signals &quot;I'm not (and don't think I am), a god who knows everything I'm talking about&quot;. I learned this just from the way I knew I liked knowledgeable people to interact with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The choice to talk conversationally in text depends on the kind of person you're talking to. It can also signal to some people that you are not confidant in your knowledge. I like talking to my peers in this fashion but some take this as weakness. So in business you may not want to talk like this. Especially when trying to make decisions. But in your case it makes sense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't delay.&lt;/strong&gt; Just fire out your thoughts. As a teacher you're also trying to pass on how you think. One of the best things I heard during an interview was 'its ok to think out loud' after I sat silent thinking for a while on a question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;V: How do you do A by B?&lt;Br&gt;&#xA;  Me: hmmm&lt;Br&gt;&#xA;  Me: I don't know&lt;Br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Probably C would work&lt;Br&gt;&#xA;  Me: I read an article somewhere...&lt;Br&gt;&#xA;  Me: &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;link&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;Br&gt;&#xA;  Me: This agrees it should be C&lt;Br&gt;&#xA;  V: How? Can you write it?&lt;Br&gt;&#xA;  Me: uhhh one sec let me write that up&lt;Br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Something like this:&lt;Br&gt;&#xA;  Me: &lt;code&gt;&amp;lt;code&amp;gt;&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that above transcript looks weird, its because my choice of 'in between words' is meant to sound like me talking in real life. You should use what ever you would usually say face to face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20731" LastEditorUserId="1959" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T17:11:04.283" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T17:11:04.283" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17398" CreationDate="2018-08-07T16:43:02.880" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If there is something wrong with the food, like too much salt or something burned, you should call the waiter to you and explain the problem. Usually they will prepare the same meal again, offer you something different or offer you a discount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the food didn't meet your expectations but there was nothing objectively done wrong, you could still tell the waiter. Most ask you if everything is allright at some time during or after your meal, so this is the perfect time. Don't expect a discount if you ate everything after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were not satisfied because you don't like fish and there was nothing but fish on the menu, it's unfortunately not the fault of the restaurant. You can still tell the staff, but don't order something you know you won't like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T16:43:02.880" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17400" CreationDate="2018-08-07T16:47:37.577" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;With that vague of a greeting, there is really no way to tell how they are going to respond. If you don't want to talk about their children that badly, it would be best to simply not engage them in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, keep in mind that being a mother is a very hard task. Their children, especially firstborn children, basically become the center of their lives due to the amount of time and effort it takes to take care of a child, especially if they've never done it before. Therefore, it stands to reason that they would not have much else to talk about. Maybe you could try being diplomatic and listening for awhile to what they have to say before trying to steer the conversation in a different direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20733" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T09:43:35.003" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T09:43:35.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17405" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17400" CreationDate="2018-08-07T17:00:16.760" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question is both too broad and too narrow. Too broad because people vary and what works for one will not work for another. Too narrow because people get obsessed on narrow topics beyond children: their upcoming or recent marriage, the PhD they are finishing, their new house, the bread or cheese or beer they now make themselves, a board game they've started playing, how hard it is to care for their dying parent... the only possible difference here is that you find yourself routinely in groups where several people have the same obsession and are happy to discuss it with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't say why you want to talk about something else, but it's kind of strange to expect that you can vaguely say &quot;how are you doing?&quot; and the person will magically start discussing a topic that's ok with you. &lt;strong&gt;To have better conversations, be a better conversationalist.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Nancy! Did you get that orchid to bloom?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi Nancy! I was thinking of you yesterday when I was making butter tarts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nancy! Great to see you! You still headed to the lake this summer?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, these things require you to remember things about the person from last time you talked, and be willing to discuss something (anything) that is not their child/wedding/bread. If you can, people will end up thinking of you as that delightful person who helps them forget all their troubles for a few hours and talk about summer plans or butter tarts. Or reminisce about the days when they had time for gardening. Or look forward to the days when they will have time for it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If what you want to do is sit still, throw out vague greetings, and then feel left out if people settle on a topic that doesn't interest you, don't think you can somehow correct or stop them. They're enjoying it. Offer them something more enjoyable if you want a change - and don't do it after they already have a full head of steam on their favourite topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T17:00:16.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17407" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1467" CreationDate="2018-08-07T17:16:42.830" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;For Chess, I like to provide a different experience for them. Trade queens at the first opportunity. Most people rely on the queen too much and this helps them learn to play better with the other pieces (and maybe you too). You can also get more pieces into play before trying to take any pieces. This gets more options for them to consider than most games they play and makes the game look more epic than most games kids play. Kids will feel they did well just by having played a longer game. Obviously, this doesn't preclude the other ideas of how hard or easy to play but does make the game more interesting for the them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20736" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T17:16:42.830" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17411" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17416" CreationDate="2018-08-07T18:36:18.700" Score="3" ViewCount="1286" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; I am a guy who has traveled quite a bit across the U.S. and made a lot of friends due to an organization that I am a part of (not work related). Last year I went to visit some of these friends in another state and they brought along a few people I had not met yet, and we got to know each other over the course of a weekend. We exchanged contact info and parted ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the people that I had met needed some help with navigating a few things in our organization that she was learning how to do, and I had previous experience doing them so I offered to help. We began to communicate frequently and I gave her the advice she needed. She is an interesting person and we chatted about a lot of other things via texting/email as well. &lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;We do not see each other regularly due to the distance that is separating us&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretty quickly though, she started to message me a ton and some of the conversations got way too personal for my liking. I asked her to back off, but she would only leave it for a week or two before trying to get too personal again. She also started to tell me a lot of very personal things about her life that I was not interested to learn because we were just casual friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently I felt very bombarded with how much communication that we were having because it was pretty much nonstop and she wanted me to provide her a lot of emotional support, other advice, and for me to tell her all about my life and past etc... I felt smothered and bombarded and also I just wanted to be casual friends. I had learned from some others that she has some issues with respecting people's personal boundaries, and I had begun to feel that in my own life when she started asking me very personal questions (past relationships, my battle with depression, about when I would next start a relationship, and questioning a lot of my personal choices).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wanted to create some distance in the friendship so I started to drop hints that progressively became more and more blunt but she still didn't get it. Unfortunately, they didn't translate very well to her, and she continued to bombard me further. Eventually I just straight up told her to please stop bombarding me with messages etc... Even after telling her that, she continues to message me, and is quite upset with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally she is very upset by this and doesn't understand why I am telling her to back off. Originally I tried to ask her nicely, but she just didn't get what I was telling her so I had to be pretty harsh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also recently told a close friend of mine (a girl) who I was considering asking out on a date (she liked me and I liked her etc...) that she could never date somebody like me blah blah blah. Basically it ruined that friendship beyond repair, and I do not want it to happen again with my other friends. I have since ceased communication with her and no longer respond to any of her messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have a large mutual friend pool due to both being in this organization, and I am concerned that this may happen again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; My biggest concern through this is that I will lose the mutual friends that we share, since she is close to them and spends a lot of time with them and I rarely see them. I am very close to these mutual friends and have known many of them for 10+ years. I do not want to lose those friends because of this situation, but I feel like it could be a big possibility. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I preserve those friendships while still ending this one? Is there a way to avoid the collateral that is inevitable in the near future?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Also, how can I explain this situation to these friends without it sounding like I am bashing this girl?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also just thought of this as well, since I likely will have to interact with her in the future due to our organization, &lt;strong&gt;What is the most professional way to interact in the future?&lt;/strong&gt; (This may be a topic for another post)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19252" LastEditorUserId="19252" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T12:21:40.127" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T04:07:25.410" Title="How to establish boundaries in a friendship when the friend does not understand, while preserving mutual friend group" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17235" CreationDate="2018-08-07T18:50:20.053" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not necessarily an answer to your question, but it may help because it is relevant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend that also is deaf with cochlear implants, and they learned sign language to help mitigating the trouble of communicating. Similar to you, in noisy situations they do not hear very well. For me, it helps a lot that I understand that they are hard of hearing so that when we communicate, I can make sure to look them in the eyes, enunciate my words, speak loudly and clearly, make it easy to read lips, etc... This is an immense help for them to understand what I am saying since I do not know sign language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that I have noticed them do, is that &lt;strong&gt;whenever they introduce themselves/are introduced to new people, one of the first things they tell them is that they have trouble hearing.&lt;/strong&gt; It may seem to be a bit embarrassing for you, but it helps my friend to make it clear from the start that they need some extra attention to hear properly. This way, when they do not understand or hear what you have said, it is significantly less awkward to ask for someone to repeat it/speak up/go somewhere quiet to talk etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also helps because if somebody new comes over and you are introduced to them, then the person you are talking to can inform them, or you can inform them. It may seem uncomfortable, but most people are very understanding and they want to be accommodating so that they can get to know you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19252" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T18:50:20.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17366" CreationDate="2018-08-07T18:56:55.893" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you know of a mutual friend or character in a TV show you both watch who has some strong phobia, you could compare yourself to them and then redirect:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know how Soandso is deathly afraid of spiders?  I'm like that, but&#xA;  with costume parties.  I've tried, and I just can't deal with it.&#xA;  But hey, I'd still like to meet up with you.  Can I buy you lunch&#xA;  the week after?  I'm really looking forward to seeing some pictures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should accomplish:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Helping them to better understand that it's a big deal for you and logic or peer pressure isn't going to make a difference (would they expect to talk someone out of an intense fear of spiders?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Taking the edge off with humor (comparing costume parties to spiders, and very slightly poking fun at yourself)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't leave room to immediately argue with your fears.  If they interject before you get to your backup offer, just kind of acknowledge it with a &quot;Yeah&quot; or &quot;Uh huh&quot; and then ignore whatever they said as you go on to suggest the alternative meetup.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Shows you don't bear ill will for the choice of a costume party -- in fact, you are actually interested in knowing about it and maybe you objectively think it's a cool idea -- you just don't want to be there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You still get to see the birthday friend and celebrate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adjust details as desired for accuracy (sub in clowns, heights, etc?) and the logistics of meeting up with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20738" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T18:56:55.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17393" CreationDate="2018-08-07T19:00:22.300" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the problem is that you googled it for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't know. Okay, no problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But then you looked it up for her instead of letting her do that. She didn't ask you to, didn't say she had no time or anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You just &lt;em&gt;assumed&lt;/em&gt; you'd be better suited to google this. (Or you just genuinely wanted to help, but that's what she might have thought). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try seeing it from her point of view. She asked you, you didn't know, then you thought she wouldn't be able to google it herself so you did it for her. (Yes, I know, you didn't mean to imply that. Thing is, you did imply it.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time, say for example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know the answer but I can just look it up because I've had a similar thing recently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or just don't look it up, ask her if she wants you to help searching. Just make sure you leave the decision to her. She didn't ask you to solve her problem, she asked if you already knew the solution. Don't answer a question that wasn't asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a side note, personal interactions in a relationship are just different than in the workplace. A colleague might say “hey cool thx“, a partner may be more conscious about how you just took away their problem to solve it for them. It kinda feels like asking someone how to do something and them taking the mouse from you and doing it fast and without explaining. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7470" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T19:00:22.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17411" CreationDate="2018-08-07T19:12:50.093" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to Communicate to the Girl&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming at this point, statements such as &quot;I Feel...&quot; would be fruitless, as this person is seemingly not taking &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; for answer. I'd suggest indefinitely stop communicating with her for the time being. This friendship seems to be causing you a great deal of stress, and is affecting you negatively. Her behavior is incredibly rude and invasive, especially considering you've asked her politely to stop. You under no obligation to continue communicating with her about anything, let alone heavy/traumatic topics such as depression, past relationships, etc. If she asks you why or gets upset, say, &lt;em&gt;&quot;I asked you politely many times not to pry into my personal life and you persisted, and now I do not feel comfortable sharing with you anymore.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; Be firm and stand your ground. Another reason not to communicate with her anymore is the fact she is now trying to cause a rift between your mutual friends and romantic interests. &lt;strong&gt;Major red flag&lt;/strong&gt;. This is not the behavior of a &quot;friend&quot;, but someone who's toxic and will likely only continue this attitude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to Communicate to Your Mutual Friends&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stated:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I had learned from some others that she has some issues with respecting people's personal boundaries&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are, you're not the first person whose either noticed this, or been a focus of hers in the past. Regarding your friends, if they've known you for 10+ years, hopefully they'll believe you that you've been forced to act rude to this girl as a last resort. Reach out to them and explain the situation; if they're rational people, they should understand. Regarding the romantic interest, I'd suggest reaching out to her and explaining the situation. Unfortunately, the other girl may have burnt that bridge permanently, which is a possibility you may have to come to terms with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I want to stress is when communicating with mutual friends, frame the discussion and your decision in terms of yourself. Instead of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;She was being super annoying and prying, and she kept texting me nonstop. She's crazy, dude.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something along the lines of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I felt uncomfortable and distressed when she wouldn't take no for answer, and kept trying to pry into my personal life. I don't want to talk to her if she continues that behavior.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's trying to cause rifts between your social group, don't say anything she can use to validate her behavior. I hope both you and her get the help you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T19:12:50.093" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17417" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17418" CreationDate="2018-08-07T19:16:26.803" Score="24" ViewCount="7688" Body="&lt;p&gt;My significant other has always loved to do art, but has often been hesitant on entering any art competitions. She recently brought up that there is a competition that she is interested in entering, but is afraid she won't do well and is doubting if she should enter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I personally believe that doing competitions can be good regardless if one wins or loses, and I want to encourage her to enter. Since I've known her, she is often appraised for her artistic abilities by both peers and other artists. Despite this, she would occasionally give little regard to her artwork and say her pieces are &quot;Bad&quot; or &quot;Can be done better&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say to help encourage her to enter in this competition? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9369" LastEditorUserId="9369" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T19:25:41.590" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T03:23:23.143" Title="How to encourage my significant other to enter a competition?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17417" CreationDate="2018-08-07T19:46:39.987" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whenever you're encouraging someone to try something new, it's best not to pressure too much, so in everything you say, be supportive, and make sure you let her know that you like and appreciate her art whether or not she decides to enter any competitions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it sounds like you have genuine confidence in her art and think she'll both do well and benefit from the experience, perhaps the best thing you can do to encourage her is explaining both of these sincere beliefs: she will grow as an artist by seeking more feedback in a competition, and that her art is good enough to compete.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last, as she remarks that her art is bad or could be done better, you can explain that becoming perfect and finding yourself is a long process. For most professions, it takes about 10 years of 40 hours a week at anything before anyone can really claim to be good at it. That being said, feedback helps shape how we grow. She will likely grow taller and straighter (to borrow a tree analogy) if she broadens the feedback she's getting earlier in the process rather than later. If you can make these arguments to her and help her approach competitions more as a stepping stone to growth than as simply something to win, it should simultaneously make her more likely to do it and more likely to enjoy competing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T19:46:39.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17398" CreationDate="2018-08-07T19:51:15.823" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, &lt;em&gt;don't take it personally&lt;/em&gt;.  It's not your fault, it's the fault of the restaurant you picked.  Maybe you ate there before and the food was better, or perhaps your friend has higher standards or is a picky eater.  Recognize that you are not responsible for choosing their experience, but that doesn't mean your experience has to be the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, some people come from families or cultures where it's common to establish common ground with other people by complaining.  In some groups, this is akin to an art form, where each of the group attempts to out-do the others with tales of awfulness.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it's familiar and comfortable behavior, your friend might do it without thinking about it, and even without even thinking the food is all that bad.  It's just a habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would take a step back and look on it objectively as a kind of unintentional joke.  You treat someone to a free meal, and all they can do is complain?  Who does that?  Probably someone who is going to complain no matter what you do, so why worry about it?  Enjoy the theater.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which gives you several options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Play along with the joke&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Complain right along with your friend.  Attempt to out-do them by pointing out every flaw in every dish.  Exaggerate to the point of ridiculousness, if you think you can get away with the absurdity without having your friend feel like you are making fun of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore the complaints&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Utter polite but non-committal responses.  &quot;Oh, that's too bad,&quot;  &quot;What a shame,&quot;  &quot;I'm sorry you feel that way,&quot; and so on.  Don't engage -- just eat your food, attempt to direct the conversation somewhere else, and leave the restaurant as quickly as is reasonable.  Expect your friend to continue complaining on the way home -- but hey, if they get that much joy from it, let them get it out of their system.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Demonstrate having a positive experience anyway&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a buffet, right?  So ask them, if a particular dish is so bad, why are they eating it?  Point out dishes that might be better, particularly those that you liked.  There must be &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; among the many choices that they would like, right?  Look for the &lt;em&gt;best&lt;/em&gt; the restaurant has to offer, even if it's only the desserts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Attempt to show them the absurdity of their behavior&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note: I would do this only with close friends and family who seem open to change.  Otherwise it can turn into an unwanted &lt;em&gt;&quot;What gives you the right to tell me what to do!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; argument.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is from personal experience, at a time in my life when I thought belittling others was a good way to elevate myself among friends.  I tried this kind of complaining once with an (older and wiser) friend, who simply responded&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look.  It's a beautiful day.  I'm happy.  You're happy.  The people around us are happy.  We're eating good food at a nice restaurant, enjoying ourselves.  &lt;em&gt;Do we really need that kind of negativity right now?&lt;/em&gt;  Where did you learn that behavior?  Who taught you that was OK?  Can't you see you're just intentionally tarnishing your own experience?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so on.  This attitude got me to see the world in an entirely different way, and while it created some friction with my old friends and family, over time I got them to change as well -- well, at least when they're around me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T19:51:15.823" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17420" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17417" CreationDate="2018-08-07T19:54:42.860" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend is also an artist, and she also experiences this issue with self-confidence. While I'm not sure what your SO's Art Education is like, one of the most crucial aspects of becoming a good artist is analyzing work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, my girlfriend had recently entered her work into a Gallery Showing. &lt;strong&gt;We made it into a date!&lt;/strong&gt; While the judges were going around and looking at other works, we did too, discussing a lot of what we each enjoyed about every piece.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where she not only got to receive some feedback, but also encounter other art that inspired her further. Furthermore, we identified ideas that we thought could be enhanced in other pieces. By doing this, I was supportive when she was nervous &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; helping inspire her to create new pieces from our analysis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course, &lt;strong&gt;she can't win if she doesn't enter&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19468" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T19:54:42.860" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17421" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-07T20:21:19.450" Score="9" ViewCount="1084" Body="&lt;p&gt;There a couple things my partner and I are working on in our relationship.  Perhaps the most challenging is that there was a cheating incident a little over year ago on their end.  We didn't talk for nearly 8 months after it happened, but for the past 4-5 months have been working on rebuilding our trust and proactively communicating about the issues that had pushed us apart prior to the incident itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I've found is that even though 9/10 days I believe in my partner, our relationship, and the improvements we have made, I still wind up having moments of anxiety about this prior incident that I'd like to be able to discuss with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I may be stuck on a thought like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Have we made enough improvement in our communicative efforts that we could effectively prevent the circumstances that led us to that point the first time?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and would like to talk to them about it, if I can.  I've found that I get nearly instant relief from the anxiety accompanying those thoughts when I am reassured that that incident was a mistake, regrettable experience, or simply that it won't happen again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I've been struggling with figuring out how to start these conversations since the topic rarely ever occurs naturally in our day-to-day lives. I want to avoid making my partner feel emotionally 'ambushed' by bringing it up in a way that sounds like my goal is to make them apologize or otherwise feel bad for their previous actions - &lt;em&gt;because what good is easing my own anxiety if I'm creating more for them&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, &lt;strong&gt;what is the best way I can initiate these conversations with my partner to ensure they understand my intent is not to make them feel guilty for the past, but to help resolve some of my own anxiety about the future&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T04:58:41.107" Title="How to initiate discussions with partner involving previous infidelity?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17422" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17421" CreationDate="2018-08-07T21:52:25.280" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that being honest and direct is the way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation sounds broadly mechanical-- your anxiety sometimes spikes, and reassurance from your partner resolves that anxiety right away. And your question doesn't mention any specific triggers or anything that causes the anxiety, but sometimes the thought just gets into your head and is hard for you to dislodge on your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If those are correct, I think you can just say to your partner what you've said here and set expectations that you might need this at irregular intervals:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Most of the time I'm OK, but sometimes I need extra reassurance or else I get caught in a spiral of anxiety about our relationship. It's just about dealing with my spiraling feelings and not anything else; is it OK if we talk when I start feeling that way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That at least can cover things coming up &quot;out of the blue&quot; (from your partner's perspective) and let you get what you need when you need it. There may be a time limit on this sort of conversation (I doubt your partner will be equally happy with an arrangement like the above in ten years), but if you're feeling anxiety now it doesn't sound unreasonable to me that you seek comfort from your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for not intending to make them feel guilty, there might be a limit to what you can do. If your anxiety ultimately stems from their choices it could be impossible to separate your current needs from their responsibility for the current situation (in their mind). But the fresher the problem, the more reasonable it is that you get a bit of extra consideration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T21:52:25.280" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17423" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-07T22:17:24.797" Score="5" ViewCount="582" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know it's not a big deal for most, but I really do put a lot of effort into having a nice lawn, and our next door neighbour has done a few things that grind my gears, and I do not know how to resolve without creating a grumpy neighbour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He replaced his front lawn with an extended driveway, while our side is a lawn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as we moved in, he cut a foot strip off our lawn, and replaced with new sod, so it looks like a nice edge to his property while ours looked mediocre.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of worrying, we simply redid our entire front lawn with new sod to match.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The city-side curb grass we keep nice and thick (3&quot; or so) while he cuts his bare. The issue is that recently he started cutting a full lawnmower width into our side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cut the grass twice a week, it's very maintained and definitely the better looking of the two, while he does it once a month, then damages some of our side, even if I just cut 30 minutes ago, he will go over what I just cut and take a strip and turn it yellow and bare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I approach him without causing a heated neighbor situation?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20746" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-08-07T23:13:42.900" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T18:47:59.890" Title="How do I inform my neighbor about not cutting grass on my side of the lawn?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17424" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17421" CreationDate="2018-08-07T22:58:51.723" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bringing up past hurts that haven't healed is always a tricky thing to do in a relationship, for all parties involved. They're likely to feel hurt/concerned/guilty over the past transgression and you're obviously still hurting and probably having some trust issues from it as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Infidelities are just kind of like that... I hate to say it, but it's one of those things that are really very hard to ever fully recover from. Regardless of the reasons surrounding the infidelity, it's a hurt that damages the foundational trust of a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, to ever really move forward, you two will pretty definitely have to be willing to talk openly and honestly about it, as often and as many times as it takes for the both of you to completely heal. This requires a willingness to be vulnerable with each other at a very deep level. Exposing those bits of yourselves that allow you to heal, also means exposing those bits that cause you to hurt, because they're the same bits. That's not easy to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's cliche, but &quot;I feel .... &quot; statements can help here. It's not going to be pleasant, or easy, to admit to your partner that you feel afraid or insecure in the relationship, but it kinda sounds like that's the truth. When you feel that way, your partner kinda needs to know, if you expect them to respond to it and work through those feelings with you. Likewise, when they feel guilt, shame, or whatever, you'll need to know about that, in order to work through it with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience... One of the worst parts of being in your shoes is how it tends to unbalance the relationship. The person who cheated will likely be excessively apologetic, and likely to become something of a doormat afraid to voice needs because they're afraid of causing more damage, or seemingly not apologetic enough, trying to act as if the infidelity hadn't ever happened. And sometimes, they'll teater back and forth between the two. This  imbalance will likely rear it's head for you as well. At times you'll likely be super understanding and forgiving, and at other times, well, not so much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can rear it's head years after an infidelity, long after you both believe you've moved on... A simple little tiff over something trivial will push those same buttons and there that raw nerve will be once again... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mention the imbalance and the way that the emotions you're feeling now may resurface later because it's important to remember that forgiveness is an ongoing process. It takes work. Those &quot;I feel .... &quot; conversations are almost never a one and done proposition. Be prepared for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it wasn't a part of your question, but this comment hit really close to home for me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;in our case it had to do with a lack of communication revolving around my partner questioning their gender identity (which I didn't know about at all) and whether or not my sexual identity would still &quot;allow&quot; for them as a partner. Add that in with an available ex-partner of theirs and it was a recipe for disaster. – &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in pretty much exactly this situation. I know, I'm probably overstepping here, but in my case there was a lot more to it, that came out over time with those &quot;I feel .... &quot; conversations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Single causation is rarely accurate when it comes to these situations. I won't tell you what to do or how to feel about it, just know that while there may be reasons, reasons aren't really excuses. As in, no matter how good, or awful, the reason may be, it's still going to hurt, and you're still going to have to work hard to get past it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be tempting to try to accept the excuse and force yourself to &quot;forgive and forget&quot;, without having all of those really hard &quot;I feel ....&quot; conversations, but it's not something that I think can be forced, even when you really really want to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-08-07T22:58:51.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17417" CreationDate="2018-08-07T23:48:04.003" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I personally believe that doing competitions can be good regardless if one wins or loses, and I want to encourage her to enter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before taking any decisive actions, you should establish how taxing competitions are to your significant other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There are people who justly think that it does not matter whether you win or lose and treat any competition as a great opportunity to learn, network and just have fun.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some other people, however, have severe difficulties whenever competitions are involved. To them, the toll of participating may be huge: anxiety attacks, nervous breakdowns and shattered self-confidence in case they don't feel they did well enough.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your SO belongs to the former group, she just likely wants to get some little encouragement from you. If she belongs to the latter one, however, you should avoid exerting any pressure aside from voicing your opinion in a neutral tone, and let her decide on her own. If you complement her now and convince she would win, and then she does not get significant recognition, it may hurt both her self-esteem as well as her artistic drive in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your particular case the fact that she brought it up as well as expressed her desire to participate serves as a good indicator that she has almost made up her mind and wants nothing more but a little confidence boost from you. However, you are the only person here to know that for certain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I say to help encourage her to enter in this competition?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you should make absolutely clear is that no matter how well or badly she performs, it will not undermine your feelings or opinion about her art. If she is an anxious type, the fear that a poor result will affect your relationship may be one of the predominant reasons why she's reluctant to participate in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A somewhat similar thing happened to me in a musical context many years ago when I had a nervous breakdown on stage suddenly realizing that several of my friends surreptitiously snuck behind the scene and watched me play a difficult piano piece, fearing they would think of me badly if I don't perform it flawlessly. I know several other people who ask their SOs and friends not attend their competitions for the very same reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2951" LastEditorUserId="2951" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T01:22:12.503" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T01:22:12.503" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17426" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-08T00:26:44.127" Score="4" ViewCount="637" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in an area with huge oak trees, so leaf blowers are a real labor saving device when used in the fall (i.e. leaf raking season). I don't have any issues when the blowers are used to move leaves from the yard into the street during the fall. Unfortunately, several of my neighbors use leaf blowers &lt;em&gt;year around&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The use of blowers in the hot and dry summer is a real annoyance, because of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Air Quality.&lt;/strong&gt; Using blowers in the dry summer significantly decreases air quality to the point that it is more comfortable to stay indoors with closed windows. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Noise.&lt;/strong&gt; I like to eat on the deck, and this is not possible with the noise level of my neighbors blowers. Newer blowers models tend to be much quieter whereas my neighbors' are pretty loud.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's more work for me.&lt;/strong&gt; I don't have a blower, so I use a rake, broom, and dustpan to collect the loose yard debris and litter. Every time one of my neighbors uses a blower, I need to sweep my path again because they have blown derbies on it. In the end it'd be easier for me to simply sweep my neighbors' path to avoid their debris to end up on my yard.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first attempt to address this issue was super awkward, but effective. One of my neighbors would consistently (6 days a week) use a blower for 15 to 20 minutes around dinner time. One day when she was using the blower, I grabbed a rake and broom from my garage. With the yard tools in hand, I approached her and said: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I notice that you have been using your blower a lot, and it is quite loud. Have you considered using some other types of tools to pick up the mess?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was surprised that I could even hear her blower (even though she was wearing industrial hearing protection). I didn't expect the conversation to get that awkward, so I said, &quot;Just letting you know, thanks&quot;, and then walked away. That was the last time I heard her using the blower, but the interaction was too awkward to attempt again with another neighbor. What did I do wrong in this interaction?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our annual block party is coming up next month, and I think this might be a good time to address the use of blowers. Should I try to address this issue at the block party? How should I approach this issue?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be really convenient if everyone coordinated and used the blowers at the same time. I would very much prefer to hear 6 leaf blowers in unison for 20 minutes, than one leaf blower at a time for 2 hours. In the past my neighborhood has cooperated to thwart thieves and get rid of rats, is cooperation a possibility when it comes to the use of blowers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19241" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T19:53:29.080" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T19:53:29.080" Title="How should I talk to my neighbors about using leaf blowers?" Tags="&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-08-08T11:38:09.900" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17417" CreationDate="2018-08-08T01:23:37.073" Score="13" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Help your SO frame her goals&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is your SO entering this competition?  If her only goal is to win then a competition will be highly stressful, because that means if she does not win, then she has &lt;em&gt;failed&lt;/em&gt;.  And since only a small percentage of the competitors win a competition (that's sort of the point), it means that she's very likely to fail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if her primary goals are to get feedback from the judges and to share her art with other artists and art aficionados, then her success is not dependent on the results of the competition, only on whether or not she entered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So discuss what your SO is hoping to get out of the competition, and help her see that she can enjoy the competition no matter where her art is ranked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T01:23:37.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17428" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-08T02:08:25.183" Score="0" ViewCount="209" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it bad etiquette to give someone about $2000 dollars just as a donation to help someone after one lost his or her job or crashed his or her car?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe the receiver thinks that you think they can't take care of themselves when they are presented the money?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20747" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T02:51:08.007" Title="Giving a lot of money to someone as a donation" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-08-08T06:10:28.783" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17429" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17428" CreationDate="2018-08-08T02:51:08.007" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a general rule, people do not give dollars for nothing.  It would be hard to expect the other person to accept this donation and believe that there are no strings attached.  Its simply atypical.  Accordingly, the answer would have to be &quot;you can donate $2000 to someone if your particular relationship supports rising above this default assumption that there are strings attached.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason for this is that one of the purposes of money is to be usable for any purpose, not just the intended purpose.  If I give you $100 to repair your car, and you buy concert tickets with it, I'll be angry.  Accordingly in &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; environments, if I give you $100, I expect a certain level of transparency from you such that I can prove my $100 went to the right place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quite often the workaround is to directly support their needs, rather than giving them money.  If they have $150 in rent due, instead of donating $150 to them, pay their rent directly.  If they need car maintenance, pay the shop directly.  In my cultural context (USA), this is much better etiquette.  It also demonstrates that you're paying attention to &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; and their actual needs, rather than throwing money at them in the way one would throw money at a problem to make it go away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes you can even do this anonymously, if you like.  If you talk with a landlord, I expect you could pay rent anonymously for someone.  The landlord just cares that they get paid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are counter examples, of course.  Your relationships can vary.  One personal anecdote from my life came from my fraternity, and a loan.  When I was pledging, they had an event where the brothers tried their best to convey what &quot;being a brother&quot; meant to them.  One of my brothers (we'll call him Alex) had a story that stuck with me.  He needed $200 to help pay for tuition, or he was going to get kicked out of school.  He was lamenting this when one of his fellow brothers (we'll call him Bob) came by.  Bob didn't hear the whole story, just that Alex needed money.  Bob  just looked Alex in the eye and said, &quot;You need money?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah man, I need....&quot;, and Bob cut him off right there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How much do you need?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;$200&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And at that, Bob opened his wallet, handed Alex $200 and said &quot;Pay me back whenever you can.&quot;  Never asked what the money was for, when it would be paid back, or even &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; it could be paid back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now an open-ended loan like this isn't &lt;em&gt;quite&lt;/em&gt; a donation, but it's darn close.  I'd give this as an example of a particular relationship which permitted a gift of money with no strings attached.  Indeed, Alex told us this story specifically to point out how unusual the relationship was between brothers at the fraternity.  Usually interactions like that aren't done.  But sometimes one can do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T02:51:08.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17411" CreationDate="2018-08-08T06:26:18.087" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems like a bit part of your problem is because she is chasing a romantic relationship with you. You have tried to address the symptoms but not the actual cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is time you have the define the relationship talk&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you initiate contact as it gives you a bit more control of the conversation. Be firm and explain bluntly that you are not interested in a romantic relationship with her. Explain to her you don't feel the same way and you don't want to waste her time chasing something that cannot be. If she takes that as presumptuous it is even better for you as she will most likely back off to show you that you were wrong in presuming she had romantic interested in you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with this is some people really do not take rejection well. You can expect her to try to create a rift between you and your common acquaintances. I really don't have anything to help prevent that but it is rarely a thing that can affect 10 year old friendships between people. I like to think if people stop being friends with you over things like that they were not really friends you can rely on and want to keep anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might also understand and move on and I believe all your issues will go away.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Preserving the friendships&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise to keep doing what you have been doing with your other friends. Keep in contact, meet up whenever you are in town, stay connected. Nothing has changed in your relationship with those people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As to explaining the situation to them. Do so only if they ask or if you notice a big change in their attitude towards you. They might not care at all about the situation and if you start the conversation on this topic unprompted it will always come out as you bashing your mutual friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Regarding the girl&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be better if you can come up with some compromise about your relationship with the girl in question. Going for &quot;no contact&quot; can be rough on your friends. You don't want to put them in a situation where they have to chose to meet with you or to meet with her. It would be better on your relationship with her and your mutual friends if you can be civil with each other on the rare occasions you get to hang out together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T12:41:15.623" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T12:41:15.623" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17433" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17417" CreationDate="2018-08-08T07:33:02.220" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you've said, entering a competition like this can be good regardless of whether she wins or loses (is there such a thing as losing an art competition?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I definitely don't think she should focus too much on the possibility of winning. A lot of people enter, but most will not win. Art is such a subjective thing anyway. It really just comes down the the judges personal opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the possibility of winning is the primary motivation for entering the competition, she may be setting herself up for disappointment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having her work displayed in public, in a gallery, is worthwhile, regardless of the outcome of the competition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if she doesn't take home the prize, her work could touch or inspire people in all sorts of different ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've not entered many art competitions, and I've won even less, but those competitions that I've entered, without winning, were still very worthwhile experiences, and I know that people enjoyed my work, even though it may not have been the judges favourite on the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps she could approach this as though it's not a competition at all, but rather just an opportunity to have her work displayed in public. Having work displayed is not always easy, and an artist generally aught to jump at it when given the opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastEditorUserId="2767" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T08:29:07.203" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T08:29:07.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17393" CreationDate="2018-08-08T07:39:44.933" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps the problem is that you're essentially spoon feeding her. While this may seem the helpful thing to do, it doesn't help build her confidence in her own abilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps at this point...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;V: How? Can you write it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... you needed to take a different approach, and try to encourage her to solve the problem herself, with the reference you've already found for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could give her some guidance, or at least point her in the right direction, but ultimately she should be solving the problem herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm curious about how much time elapsed between you providing her the solution &quot;C&quot;, before she decided that she needed you to implement it for her. I suspect it wasn't very long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could try something like...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I will be happy to help you, but I just need to finish (some important task you need to complete) first. Perhaps in the meantime you could see if you can find some other references for solution &quot;C&quot; showing more complete implementation details.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully by the time you've finished whatever busy work you find for yourself she may have been able to complete the implementation herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastEditorUserId="2767" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T07:50:00.853" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T07:50:00.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17435" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17411" CreationDate="2018-08-08T07:57:54.777" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this may be the problem...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to create some distance in the friendship so I started to drop hints that progressively became more and more blunt but she still didn't get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't drop hints. It shows very poor character. It's rude and inconsiderate, and ultimately just hurts people's feelings more than is necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This girl is clearly interested in you in. If you do not feel the same way, you should simply tell her that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By dropping hints, all you're really doing is hurting her feelings, and potentially eroding her confidence, simply to save yourself some embarrassment and awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good rule to follow, like always. Treat others how you would like to be treated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T07:57:54.777" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17417" CreationDate="2018-08-08T07:59:56.103" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;She needs to develop a self-belief, not so much in her existing ability, but in &lt;em&gt;her ability to grow&lt;/em&gt; as an artist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All artists start somewhere, whether that be visual art, music, whatever. They may have some natural aptitude for their art but they also have to learn skills either in a formal school setting, from books, or simply by imitating the art of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With perhaps some exceptions, the worst artists are the ones that live in a bubble and see only their own work. I'm a musician, and I thought I was pretty good until I started playing in bands. Then I realised I had to a bit to improve on. But I did, and now I'm at a standard I'm fairly happy with. I still know there are musicians way better than me, but being around others and their work has helped me bring my standard up and develop a better filter for my own output.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Entering a competition may seem daunting to her. Try to get her to see it differently. Rather than going up &lt;em&gt;against&lt;/em&gt; other artists, see if more as a networking event. A chance to meet other artists, share ideas, see other people's work, maybe get some &lt;em&gt;constructive criticism&lt;/em&gt;, which all artists need to improve and grow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she can shift her thinking from believing in her ability to believing in her ability to improve then she will realise the competition, will be good for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T07:59:56.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17400" CreationDate="2018-08-08T08:10:50.980" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming that you are not a parent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing you need to understand, is that children are the single most important thing in most parents lives. Their lives literally revolve around their little ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This apparently is a terribly boring and inane topic for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing I can suggest, if 'baby talk' bores you so dreadfully, is that you find some other non-parent friends to communicate with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're hoping to convince a mom that some other topic is more interesting than talking about her children, you will unfortunately be disappointed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might be able to engage her in a discussion on some other topic, but really she will just be filling in time talking to you while looking for another mom to talk to about her favourite topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T08:10:50.980" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17426" CreationDate="2018-08-08T08:14:09.170" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I try to address this issue at the block party?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Definitely not, you don't want to bring it up and everyone hate on you at once. This will cause an awkward encounter and potentially change the mood of the party. Enjoy yourself and chill out during this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;everyone coordinated and used the blowers at the same time&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If everyone else is using  blowers it seems to be only you who isn't, and it doesn't seem as if anyone else is bothered by it, this just makes you seem like the bad guy. At the end of the day it is not illegal and theyre not doing anything wrong by doing so, you can't tell someone to not use one just because it bothers you. They're not doing any actual harm as its not waking you up in the morning nor is it stopping you from sleeping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the first approach ending awkwardly that was inevitable you just basically told someone to not use a blower and to use manual tools instead. Luckily enough that neighbour was kind enough to do the same but you cannot guarantee that will be the same with everyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14299" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T08:14:09.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15812" CreationDate="2018-08-08T08:20:43.210" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you actually want...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a) to phase her out of your life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b) for her to get a job and get her license, and generally just move forward wit her life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really don't like this person, and do not wish to continue a friendship with her, then whether she has a license or job is hardly relevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If however you would prefer to keep her as a friend, but want her to get out of this rut she's apparently in, then perhaps you and your other friends could be proactive about it, and try to help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may be depressed or something, and this may be why she's having trouble moving forward in her life. It doesn't seem very nice to simply ditch her because she's having some issues getting started.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's still quite young. I hardly think she's a lost cause just because she doesn't have a job or a license by 21 years old. Lots of people don't at that age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T08:20:43.210" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-08-08T10:31:00.883" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me start with a little background about myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in a relationship with my ex for four years before I broke up with him. That is five years ago now, but the damage still lingers. I can see a lot of similarities between my situation and yours. I don't want you to go through the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In hindsight, my ex emotionally and sometimes physically abused me. I am an aspie and he would deliberately put me in situations that I have difficulty handling. He would then tell me I am an adult and should learn how to handle them. I don't think he did it on purpose, but he made me feel horrible about myself. I read uncertainty in your questions (I also read the previous one). Does Tom have a history of doing stuff that makes you feel bad about yourself, like making you admit cheating when you didn't?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think my ex ever realized what he did. I think his motivations ranged from laziness to actually wanting to help me. I believe he really loved me. I didn't want to hurt him, so I allowed it to continue for four years. Three years in, I tried to break up with him, but he was so upset, I decided to stay with him for another year. I shouldn't have. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please accept that you do not owe him anything. While you should not actively try to hurt him, you do not need to suffer to avoid hurting him either. His feelings are his feelings. You do not need to babysit them. I should have broken up with my ex when he refused to stay the night with me when I moved to a student flat in a big city (I'm from the countryside, and I was 17). I am glad you're not trying to make it work like I did, when it clearly doesn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I finally broke up with him, he was really upset. He said things like &quot;but I love you!&quot;. Remind yourself, it doesn't matter. An unbalanced relationship doesn't work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While your coworker made you realize you needed to break up, I already broke up with my ex before I even met my new partner. I met him a week after breaking up with him. He started out as a really good friend. He listened to me being sad about the breakup. He helped me put my feelings straight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He asked me to be his girlfriend a month after breaking up with my ex. That's when I received the message. &quot;How long have you been cheating on me?&quot;. My ex wouldn't believe I did not cheat on him, even though I hadn't met my current partner until a week after I broke up with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was 5 years ago. The friendship never returned to what it was before we started dating, but we are on friendly terms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you have this conversation, reflect on your past relationship for a moment. You say you broke up with him because of a coworker. Is that really how it is? Think about that for a moment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine for a moment that your coworker does not exist, and forget about your ex's feelings about this. Imagine you are free to date whoever you like. Put the hurt aside for a moment (yes, that's very difficult). Are YOU happy you broke up with your ex? Your feelings, not your ex's. Be honest with yourself. Think about this for a moment before you continue reading. Maybe you don't have the answer yet. That's okay.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am going to make a few assumptions here, but I have strong suspicion they are correct. In the end you broke up with your ex because your relationship with him didn't work out. Your coworker merely helped you realize it. Am I correct? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, on to your ex. What do you think he feels? I'm going to make a guess. He is upset because you broke up with him. He wasn't good enough for you. And even worse, someone else apparently is! He doesn't want it to be true, because that is easier. It hurts less. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe he thought it would be even easier for him if you didn't break up with him and cheated on him instead. He is hurt. People who are hurt do things we do not expect. He had you as his partner for a few months. Losing that hurts. I assume it wasn't easy for you either. But you'll have to recover from that pain on your own and so does your ex. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel bad for hurting Tom and don't want to hurt him more by dating this co-worker but at the same time, I really like this person and don't want to feel like I can't do something because my ex-boyfriend is telling me not to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let him manipulate you into admitting cheating. That is not good for your recovery process, nor for his. In fact, I think not hurting him more should not be your goal. If you were not cheating on him, but he wants you to admit you did, it sounds like he could use a wake-up call from his delusional stance. That will hurt him, but him believing you cheated or even left him for someone else is probably far worse for the future of your friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, super long backstory over. The answer is probably not what you want it to be. I'll try to summarize what I think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accept the possibility that your friendship is unrecoverable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not hurting him is almost impossible. He set up this awful situation by accusing you of cheating. You do not need to babysit his feelings now. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You do not need to please him, especially not at the cost of yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Forget tact. He's long past that with his controlling behaviour. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd go for a clear message to him. Signal it is over and that it is because of him, your coworker is not relevant. Perhaps call him out on it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tom, it didn't work out between us. We should both move on and it is not fair on me if you try to control my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T10:31:00.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17359" CreationDate="2018-08-08T11:56:33.103" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact you've don't have kids isn't relevant. There's plenty of people with kids who have a nice house, go on holidays, and have luxury things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how much you're earning, there's people earning more who &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have kids, and so enjoying the same (or more) than you, despite the cost of raising kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So – whatever you say you're doing right now – don't mention that it's 'because you don't have kids' or similar. You'll just sound nasty. Just tell them what you're up to, and leave your lack of kids out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20774" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T12:06:31.993" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T12:06:31.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17446" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-08T13:17:50.797" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think about other approach: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Use a dedicated tool (like some sugar pliers)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I am typical older large white man (no asian and nothing asian about me), but i just like use chopsticks to eat. I bring my chopsticks with me, go to reastaurant (or anyway else), order, cut the meat with fork and knife to small pieces, eat soup with spoon and eat the meal mainly with chopsticks, sometimes switching to for/knife as convenient for me. (I eat this way not only rise, but also potatoes, spaghetty, steaks, sausages, cucumber, pea, carrots, salad, onion ... you name it, just cutted to one-bite size)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I may get sometimes curious looks (yes, it IS unusual), but did not get negative reaction in my whole life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I may image, that chopstics are hard to handle for you, but having something like (oversized?) &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;sugar pliers&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; may work for you as well - you can give it a lot of tries to catch a piece and when succesfull give it hard grip, so it does not fall down. Your tool may have small &quot;teeths&quot; on the end to grip food even better. You may buy something in shop, or have it made customary, you may have nice case/sheat for it and without any explanation you will look like someone a little extravagant, but acceptable for nearly anyone. And if anybody ask, why you are not using just ordinary fork/knife combination, you can explain, that medical condition make it hard for you and the other option would be eating with bare hands, which is not as &quot;pleasant both for you and others&quot; as using little unusual tool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: as @Lord Farquaad commented, the question is if it is acceptable violate table manners and as many others answered, it is OK to do so, if necessary, but it is better to state somehow, that you are violating them for medical conditions, not because you &quot;just ignore/do not know/had not learned them&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wanted to suggest, how change &quot;violating them with announced good reason&quot; to &quot;not violate them after all, just be excentric&quot; by thinking out of the box and finding alternative approaches, if possible and convenient. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And to share my experience, that using something else, than just plain spoon+fork+knife is usually accepted as &quot;not violation&quot; under normal conditions (well, having dinner with Queen of England is other case)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20776" LastEditorUserId="20776" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T14:16:42.187" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T14:16:42.187" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17447" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-08T13:24:17.070" Score="2" ViewCount="163" Body="&lt;p&gt;Today again I called up a colleague and potential boss to ask about my application status to his department but totally forgot to greet him and ask how he is doing etc. &#xA;Partly in our nerdy organization this is even maybe okay but I do not like myself behaving like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I manage to force myself not just jump straight to the business after &quot;Hi &quot; but iterate 5-20 seconds in a polite &quot;senseless&quot; small talk which is though so important for normal communication?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="302" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T13:24:17.070" Title="How to act more politely despite of beng mixed up?" Tags="&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-08-08T14:10:31.473" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17448" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-08T13:34:24.693" Score="24" ViewCount="6035" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am happily married male, mid-thirties, Central Europe, two nice kids. With my wife, we have a great relationship and no big issues, just the normal ones (if she only didn't burn the meal that often :) ).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Couple of years ago, we moved to her birth town, which led to me losing literally all of my close friends (we make visits on a yearly basis, but the closeness of our friendships dissipated). The acquired loneliness troubled me quite a lot and it was basically my only big problem at that time. As an introvert, I don't need many friends, but I need at least a few really good ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation changed half a year ago when I stumbled over a woman who turned out to be very &quot;compatible&quot; with me. She is also married and has kids, so it all looked utterly innocent at the beginning. My wife likes her and I like her husband and we even meet together and all works well. My wife knows we are very close friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, that while she bravely fills my social needs, we are also getting closer and closer together. When she was desperate, it was me rather than her husband who helped her out of it (her husband is not into these things much) and same situation happened the other way: she helped me tremendously while my wife didn't really care or have time at the moment. We can talk about many things which our partners dislike discussing. We have a lot in common. These facts made us really very close friends and at some point I realized I fell in love with her. It looks like she might love me too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's clear:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Neither me, nor her want to change anything. We know we want to keep things and families as they are.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are completely positive that there will never be anything physical between us (we both have quite traumatic experiences of being cheated on).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We both see our relationship as something very special and helpful and if possible, we'd like to maintain it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question is: What's the best way to discuss this relationship with my wife without ruining what we have?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal in this conversation is to get her opinion on that. Something like &quot;stop it now, or I am leaving&quot; or &quot;I am fine with her as long as...&quot; or &quot;it's ok, I actually also have a similar friend&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt; In some comments and answers there is this &quot;How can you know there will never be anything physical between you two?&quot; topic. I just know, that's not an issue. That was actually my mantra last couple of months: &quot;It kinda feels like more than just a friendship, is it still OK? Well, we'll never touch each other, so it must be OK.&quot; But then thanks to placing my question here I realized, that &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;emotional affair&lt;/a&gt; is exactly what I am going through. And they state that it can be as harmful to the marriage as the physical affair, which destroyed my &quot;no touching, no problem&quot; theory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20777" LastEditorUserId="20777" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T07:30:16.650" LastActivityDate="2020-12-18T18:12:05.070" Title="How to tell my wife about a (possibly romantic) relationship with another woman?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17393" CreationDate="2018-08-08T13:36:32.953" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: Ok the answer does seem to be C, according to this reference, this should work&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  V: How? Can you write it?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: (code solving A by B with C)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  V: Ok thanks.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Sorry for the delay, I was making sure I had the reference for it&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  V: Then you are very smart.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Why are you upset?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  V: Because you said like every dumb person would google that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's an easy one.  Just STOP after &quot;V: Ok thanks.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(But I fear your GF may have been conditioned by the current 'offence' culture.  Offer simple information, you'll be accused of being brusque.  Elaborate and  it's 'mansplaining'.  You can't win this one.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4899" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-08T13:42:11.053" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T13:42:11.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17359" CreationDate="2018-08-08T14:55:56.197" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;An important realization here is that bragging is not about what or how, but about why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no statement you can make which is intrinsically bragging if the reason you made that statement wasn't to gain the other side's admiration and/or to make them jealous/put them down and/or to reassure yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence in order not to appear as if you're bragging when you're not, you simply have to make sure the other person understands why you said what you said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time this will happen by itself. You can describe in great detail (even with exaggerations) what an amazing vacation you have planned given only a minor prompt (&lt;em&gt;&quot;Hey, sup?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;). If it's obvious that you are telling me about it because you yourself are exited about it and can't wait, I wouldn't at all think you are bragging, even if I get jealous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, there is another thing I have noticed good conversationalists do when they get a generic prompt while catching up with a person they haven't met in a while. They don't dump and endless enumeration of things or drill down in great details on any one thing. They list of three or four different things. If they had many more, they group some of them in categories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives conversational hooks. The other person can now choose what sounded the most interesting to them and ask you a more specific question that lets you ramble about it more. Or if for some reason they want to avoid all of the offered topics, they will just tell you what they've been up to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20778" LastEditorUserId="483" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T21:48:45.370" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T21:48:45.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17393" CreationDate="2018-08-08T16:40:36.167" Score="1" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A principle I've found useful in a number of situations is to imitate the other person's style of communication. Ask her questions and see how &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; answers &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. Mirror that style back to her - not word for word of course but in essence.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As others have indicated, &quot;Thanks&quot; is a way of terminating a conversation. It shows the other person has appreciated your reply and accepted it with good grace. Nothing else is needed.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If someone asks for an answer, they are not asking for the methodology for obtaining the answer (even if they 'should'). If you answer as a teacher rather than as a fellow student of the subject, you are coming across as a superior/authority figure.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20782" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T16:40:36.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17452" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17253" CreationDate="2018-08-08T17:08:06.463" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since when should a protocol of good behavior get in the way of a basic human function: eating?  Manners are guidelines, not hard and fast rules.  Babies cry during sermons, and people sneeze at the opera. To the OP, it is quite considerate of you to look out for the waitstaff, and even more considerate to consider your fellow diners. However, your deviation from the norms is by description a minimal deviation. You are not doing something that would be considered repulsive.  I think your concern while dining is misplaced, and you should focus on your meal and your company. The rules of etiquette are guidelines, not chiseled into rock tablet. Enjoy your meal, your company, and the tolerance of the world around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only assistance tool that you need, you already have, and it lies between your ears.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8175" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T17:08:06.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17453" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17448" CreationDate="2018-08-08T17:32:39.270" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It kind of sounds like you want to have some sort of polyamorous relationship, where you can maintain what you have with your wife and family, while being afforded the freedom to persue this other potentially romantic relationship with your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While that's not impossible, it may be somewhat problematic...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're probably not sure how your wife will react to such a request, and you're probably not sure how your friend will react to such a request, nor do you know how your friend's husband will react to such a request. These are some pretty big things to consider, long before you think about broaching the subject with conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing to put some serious thought into, is whether you're using this new friendship/relationship to fill gaps and meet needs that aren't being met within your marriage. From some pretty painful experience, I can tell you that using polyamory to fix broken relationships, or fill gaps, doesn't tend to work out well. The new relationship tends to shine a spotlight on the lesser points in your marriage, those gaps can begin to look like chasms, when you have a new basis of comparison. To put it lightly, if it looks like you're looking to fill gaps in your existing relationship, polyamory isn't a good way to do that. Fix your existing relationship first before considering adding additional partners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After giving all of that a good long hard think, long after, really really think that stuff through... If you still think it's a good idea... Then you're ready to ask this question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: What's the best way to discuss this relationship with my wife without ruining what we have?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you payed attention above, you'll probably want to work on those gaps in your marriage before discussing anything about other relationships. You may even find that after working on those gaps that you don't need to lean on outside relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've worked out those gaps, and still feel the need to persue another relationship, then it's time to explore polyamory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take it slow. Do your research.&lt;/strong&gt; There are a number of pretty good online resources for information about polyamory. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.morethantwo.com&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.morethantwo.com&lt;/a&gt; is one that helped me navigate this stuff once upon a time, lots of good articles, give it a read before moving forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Let’s assume I buy all this. How do I make it work?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s easier to answer the question “How can you make polyamory NOT work?” Which is, in fact, a question I’ve addressed &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.morethantwo.com/polymistakes.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here.&lt;/a&gt; And in a handy how-to guide in PDF format &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.morethantwo.com/making_relationships_suck.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;, revised and updated in October 2014!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As with any relationship, making it succeed is more complicated than making it fail. One of the surest ways to make it fail is to lie. If you can’t be honest with your partner, and I mean about &lt;strong&gt;everything&lt;/strong&gt;, then polyamory isn’t for you. If you can’t abide by the rules of a monogamous relationship, then poly isn’t for you. If you cheat, then poly isn’t for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another good way not to make a poly relationship work is to browbeat your partner, or coerce your partner into accepting it. Poly relationships don’t work if one of the people involved only grudgingly accepts it; it has to be for the benefit of &lt;strong&gt;everyone.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I’m with you so far. No lying, no bullying; check. Now what?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depends on you, and on the person you’re involved with. When in doubt, if you’re considering trying a polyamorous relationship, it’s best to go slowly. Make sure you and your partner feel secure in what you’re doing. Make sure you don’t get so carried away that you forget about your partner’s needs. This is a very easy mistake to make, even if you’re watching out for it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you are already in a relationship, it is vitally important to make sure that relationship is solid and stable &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; you go experimenting with non-monogamy. A relationship that is not healthy to begin with will further erode if you try to change the foundation on which it is built.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So: No lying, no bullying. Remember to consider the feelings of your partners—ALL of them. Don’t forget that everyone has to be happy, or you can bet that nobody will be! Pay attention to your lovers. Don’t get distracted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get over the idea that polyamory gives you license to be promiscuous. &lt;strong&gt;It doesn’t.&lt;/strong&gt; Being poly does not mean you sleep with anyone you want. It doesn’t mean that your life is an endless vista of wild orgies. Put aside those ideas before you even start; that is not what it’s about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A poly relationship works only if everyone involved is happy.&lt;/strong&gt; While you can’t expect someone to be everything for you, all the time (even in a monogamous relationship), there is absolutely no dishonor in telling your lover point-blank, “Look, I don’t think you’re spending enough time with me. You need to pay more attention to me.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the &amp;quot;Polyamory FAQ&amp;quot;:  &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Once you've worked on your foundation (worked on any and all pre-existing problems in your marriage), done your research, and are still sure you want to move forward...&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then talk to your wife about the possibility of having a polyamorous relationship. Again, take it slow. Be willing to share what you've learned from your research, and give them time to think it through. There's no guarantee that your wife will respond well to the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Non-monagamy, of any kind, is a hard deal breaker for some people.&lt;/strong&gt; So be advised and warned that there's no honest, risk-free way to bring the subject up. &lt;strong&gt;If you really want to do this, you're going to have to accept that risk.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T17:51:27.950" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17423" CreationDate="2018-08-08T18:47:59.890" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This doesn't have to be some Machiavellian endeavor here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Strike up conversation casually (&quot;Hey Bill whats been going on?...&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After a few minutes of small talk, get to the point, preferably in a way that makes it feel like a favor rather than instructions (&quot;Oh yea, I was hoping you could help me out with something....&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;State the issue clearly, but kindly, and optionally shift blame to an absent party. That last part may/may not be advisable depending on the their disposition and the situation, but most of the time it's ok. (&quot;Could I ask that you be careful to not mow too much over the property line? I don't mind too much, but the wife is particular about the lawn and on my case...&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other option would be much more passive aggressive and put up some sort of divider that would make the division clearer and harder to mow over. That seems much more likely to create resentment though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20529" LastActivityDate="2018-08-08T18:47:59.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17448" CreationDate="2018-08-09T01:30:01.433" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;You want to maintain what is essentially love-affair with another woman, and maintain your marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be difficult to achieve, unless your wife has actually indicated she would be ok with an open relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether things are physical yet or not is somewhat arbitrary. If you are &quot;in love&quot; with this other woman, eventually it will become physical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine a hypothetical conversation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Honey, I'm in love with another woman. I intend to continue seeing this woman, but I also want to stay married to you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very few spouses would be OK with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could perhaps imagine how you would feel if your wife announced to you that she was in love with another man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I see it, you have 3 choices...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Continue the affair in secret.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;End the affair and re-commit to your marriage.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;End your marriage and pursue a relationship with the other woman.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've stated that you're completely positive that the relationship will never be physical. Is that realistic though?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Prior to this relationship starting, would you have been &quot;positive&quot; you would never be in-love with anyone other than your wife?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most wedding vows include words to that effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question directly. I don't believe you can discuss this with your wife, and not expect things to change radically for you as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T11:08:38.570" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T11:08:38.570" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17359" CreationDate="2018-08-09T02:40:49.843" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make a joke out of it, and then give people the opportunity to follow up if they're genuinely interested in the specifics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a friend who was a surgeon who had this problem when meeting women. If they said &quot;So what do you do?&quot; and he said &quot;I'm a surgeon&quot;, he'd have people tell him he sounded arrogant. He switched to saying &quot;I work in a hospital&quot;. If people then followed it up and asked for specifics (&quot;What, like an administrator?&quot;), he'd say &quot;Oh, no, I'm a surgeon&quot;. That small extra step made a big difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With your friends, I'd be tempted to say &quot;Ah, you know, normal playboy lifestyle&quot;. And then leave it at that &lt;em&gt;unless&lt;/em&gt; they ask for more details. If they ask for more details, go to town.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People aren't always asking for information, a lot of conversation is surface-level and placebic. By putting information that might sound like bragging behind a &quot;wall&quot;, and making people who want it have to ask specifically, you'll avoid sounding like you're bragging. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20791" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T02:40:49.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17458" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-09T02:56:07.070" Score="2" ViewCount="824" Body="&lt;p&gt;My sister, 27, who is 2 years older than me, found her boyfriend on a dating app. My sister was in depression during those days and it was her boyfriend who provided her with emotional support. Now they both want to marry each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Few reasons why he is a bad match:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Destroyed her Dream MBA B-school application&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently, this guy sucks in English essay writing skills. This guy contributed a lot to her MBA B school essay applications. Our entire family told her to rewrite her essay, but my sister didn't listen. She couldn't get into her dream college and had to settle for some other college. My sister is blind and thanks to this guy for at least helping her secure admission to some other college.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Extremely rude and possessive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Inappropriate behaviour&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I met this guy along with my sister, he passed a needless sexual joke which made me and my sister both awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lied about his salary. His actual salary is 40% less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Unhappy with my sister's academic career progression for own selfish goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister is blind and wants to marry him only because when she was under depression for 2 months this guy helped her a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The moment I try to convince her about all this, she deviates from this topic and stops listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I convince her that this boy is not the best match?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20792" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T03:42:55.323" Title="How do I convince my sister that her boyfriend who helped her a lot is not good as a life partner?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-08-09T07:44:30.920" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17459" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17417" CreationDate="2018-08-09T03:23:23.143" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As others have said, what is she getting out of the competition? If it's because she loves art, and will get exposure to other people who love art, and doesn't care how well she does, then it's a positive thing. You always learn something about your own art by people's reaction to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she goes in with the idea that she needs validation of her skills by winning or placing well in the competition, then she is too much caught up in the idea that so many of us have that our value is measured in terms of what other people think of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Art is a very subjective thing, and great artists are often not regarded as such in their lifetimes -- Van Gogh had trouble selling any of his work. So, winning an art competition really doesn't say anything about the quality of one's work, other than that the judges liked it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being self-critical about your art doesn't necessarily mean that you lack confidence, either. Any work of art can always be improved upon, and it's part of an artist's makeup to always look for things that might have been done better, even after pronouncing a work finished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest to her that what she thinks of herself matters, and what others think of her doesn't matter at all, so she really has nothing to lose by sharing her work with others. I would also mention that if people really don't like her work, it's probably quite good. If it weren't, people would be more likely to simply ignore it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20436" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T03:23:23.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17411" CreationDate="2018-08-09T04:01:39.143" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;With respect, it sounds to me like you're letting your insecurities get the better of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why don't you trust all your close friends' advice before you trust advice from strangers like us? What are friends for? Get help from them first. Find a couple of your closest mutual friends, let it be known that this woman is angry with you because she has made advances that you found inappropriate and you rejected them, and ask them for advice. (That isn't &quot;bashing&quot; her; you haven't said that the advances &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; inappropriate, but that &lt;em&gt;you found&lt;/em&gt; them that way. You're not suggesting that you're in the right and she's in the wrong.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're uncomfortable talking about this with a friend because she is a woman (a lot of men are, about this sort of thing), do it anyway, if you think she can give you good advice. And keep in mind that you build your friends' trust in you by trusting them. So do it. Nobody is going to be able to sabotage a friendship that is built on trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And by the way, real friendships don't get &quot;ruined beyond repair&quot; by people who are attempting to sabotage them. If the lady friend that you liked accepted this woman's negative input about you without giving you an opportunity to respond, then I'm sorry, but she probably wasn't as much of a friend as you think that she was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most professional way to interact with her is to interact with her professionally and keep it that way. If she tries to steer your interactions with her to a personal level, that's unprofessional, isn't it? As you say, that might be a topic for a different post, but it will certainly be something to take up with your friends. Find someone who you think is really good at dealing with that sort of situation and seek out his/her advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20436" LastEditorUserId="20436" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T04:07:25.410" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T04:07:25.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17227" CreationDate="2018-08-09T07:38:36.287" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion there are a few separate issues here and I will try to address them one at a time. Based on your note at the end of the post my answer presumes that &quot;help them get back together&quot; won't achieve your goal so my answer is more like how to deal with the separation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dealing with Bob&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you explain about Bob there is very little you can do to change his attitude toward the situation. That doesn't mean his attitude cannot be changed, it just has to come from someone he respects and would listen to. As his believes are strongly religious I believe that a priest might be able to get to him and help him moderate his attitude and help him find peace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would explain the situation to a priest and ask them for help. They might give you some helpful information or be willing to meet with Bob and have a conversation on this topic. I believe he would respect the priest and the church enough to not dodge the topic or refuse the meeting. The hard part would be to find someone that would take some time to help and doesn't have such extreme views as Bob. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dealing with Alice&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems that she has already made her decision and knows that she has to look for happiness somewhere else. All you can do here is be supportive and a good friend. Try to keep her from taking extreme actions* during this conflict while Bob deals with the separation (unless absolutely necessary). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Extreme actions would include, restraining orders, fighting for full custody, leaving the country, ect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dealing with the kid&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I understand the child is way too young to understand what is happening around it so this goes as advice to either parent to help the kid in the future. My parents got separated when I was 8 and from personal experiences I can share what were the most difficult parts dealing with that. This presumes both parents can be civil about the separation and no harm can come out of any of those things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't prevent the child to spend time with either parent. Children should be able to spend time and rely on both their parents for help with the issues they face growing up. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't ask the child to chose between his parents. I have experienced a lot of big holidays (Christmas, Easter, ect.) that I was asked to chose with who I want to spend them with and ALWAYS the other parent was hurt if you didn't chose them. It is never fun and it is no decision a child can make and I still hate Christmas to this day for that reason. Have a set schedule and stick to it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A bit derivative from above but: Don't bribe the child in order to get him to spend time with you. I don't think I need to explain why &quot;Spend Easter with me and I will get you a new Bike&quot; is a bad idea.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't ask the child to take sides. I am close to my 30s now and I honestly don't know why my parents got separated. I don't want to know. They are both my parents and I still love both of them. I don't care who was wrong and who was right, it was their decision they got separated and I was very actively trying to avoid shaping my relationship with my parents based on their attitude towards one another and I am very happy they didn't try to influence me to take a side.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said all that, keep in mind that it would be hard to help as 3rd party. You can just help mediate and steer them in the right direction but they are their own people it is very hard to predict how everything will unfold.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T13:35:35.320" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T13:35:35.320" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17463" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17467" CreationDate="2018-08-09T07:47:40.657" Score="23" ViewCount="10023" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I just recently rode a taxi again in Germany and I was wondering about the proper etiquette if there is one. I rode a total of like 3 taxi in my life and I never was sure on how to behave (I always rode alone).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The first time I sat in the front and the driver talked to me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The second time I sat in the front and the driver didn't talk with me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The third time I sat in the back and the driver didn't talk with me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: What is the right etiquette for riding a taxi in Germany?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; Please note that I am asking specifically for Germany, but if there is a global etiquette, that one would be preferred.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T11:43:37.760" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T13:24:12.497" Title="Etiquette when riding a taxi in Germany?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17463" CreationDate="2018-08-09T08:04:48.970" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not specifically in Germany, but in general sit in the back if there is place (when you travel alone or two people), greet and say goodbye to the driver but talking when unasked is of course optional. Please observe that many cab drivers are not from Germany anyway but it is hard to second guess driver culture and preferred mode. Either way, if the driver asks questions and wants to talk, it is only polite to engage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T08:04:48.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17463" CreationDate="2018-08-09T08:09:27.600" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I rode a taxi once in Germany with a parent of mine, but every taxi drive I took in other countries &lt;strong&gt;(mostly western &amp;amp; central Europe / China)&lt;/strong&gt; happened the same way, whether I was alone or not: the driver opens the trunk so you can put your luggage in it and then they either open you the door of the rear of the vehicle or &lt;strong&gt;expect you to get in at the rear of the vehicle&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember one time I had an ankle sprain and no one was home so I had to order a drive to go to class. I got in and sat next to the driver, who was very surprised. I didn't understand at first, but my mother told me later that day that the clients are expected to go at the rear when possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if there's an etiquette ruling that but it's more polite to go at rear whenever possible for &lt;strong&gt;it lets the driver the choice to engage in a conversation&lt;/strong&gt; (and release them of the guilt to overhear your conversations with the other passengers if applicable). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that the custom of sitting at the back may vary around the world. As stated in comments, when you're traveling on your own in Australia, you should sit next to the driver. If there's several people traveling, one might ride in the front as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T13:33:01.653" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T13:33:01.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17466" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17448" CreationDate="2018-08-09T08:52:48.160" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In short: Just talk to your wife what this best friend really means to you and ask her what boundries she feels comfortable with. The way I understood it you still consider your relationship with your wife as more important than this new found interest. By having agreed with your wife on acceptable boundries it'll be easier for you to hold on to those and still enjoy the comfort of a really close friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me tell you the situation I was/am in and what I did wrong at first so it becomes clear why I advise the above. (sorry if it turns out long, it's an interesting situation and can't really cut out certain parts).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My SO and I have been together for 10 years now and will get married in about month from now. Like you I have no intention of cheating on her and plan to live the rest of my life happy together. That doesn't mean it's all perfect though. With planning the wedding and now finalising buying (/building) our own house we're both under a lot of stress that we can't really get away from in each others company since there's this constant reminder of what we still need to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of years ago at my job I got closer to my colleague, let's call her M. At the time it was mostly just interacting as normal colleagues with a bit of joking about flirting which I already did with other male colleagues as well, so this in itself didn't mean anything. Until at one point at a company party I had a nice evening together with her, and somewhere along the conversation I semi-jokingly asked her if I was her type... to which she confessed I was. This caused some tension between us at work, still nothing serious but we could both tell that the insinuation jokes might have some truth in them as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months ago when it was her birthday I jokingly said &quot;aww, I'm a day too late, this was my one chance to give you kisses without socially getting into trouble&quot; to which she started challenging me and we ended up in the hallway with me giving her 3 kisses (as is customary here in Belgium... for friends and family, normally not for colleagues). Shortly after that (with us talking more casually from that point on) I actually confessed my feelings to her as well, but added that I would never follow through on them since I'm not going to give up my monogamous mariage with my wife. Between us this feels comfortable since we can talk openly between us about our feelings, joke about the flirting and know that neither of us will actually follow through on doing anything that crosses the boundaries we set.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Up to this point I really didn't keep anything secret from my SO. She knows about the 3 kisses and knows that I get along really well with M. She likes my honesty and knows nothing serious is happening between M and me... until those couple of days she went out of the country for work. I knew M had broken up with her boyfriend around that time and was going to have a finalising conversation with him the weekend right before my SO was going away. At this point I made the mistake of inviting M to my house without telling my SO beforehand. I personally was convinced that I didn't do anything wrong. My good friend needed support and I could easily provide that while at the same time have a break from the stress from planning our marriage etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I'm a firm believer of not keeping secrets I did ofcourse tell my wife about inviting M over at our house when she was out (I kinda wanted to tell her beforehand already but she was under too much stress that she wouldn't be able to handle going away for her job). And boy was she unhappy about it. She didn't trust me for a while and me still messaging M on whatsapp a lot in the evenings didn't really help either. So I sat down with my SO and talked about what actually happened (nothing much, just a bit of cuddling while watching Disney movies) and what it meant to me (just being there for a friend that needed support). My SO had some trouble placing it but I think she did understand that my true intention was still to make our marriage work and nothing serious was ever going to happen between me and M.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It took some time to recover though. My SO from time to time asked me to show whatever M was sending me on Whatsapp to see what kind of attention we give each other. I happily gave her my phone anytime she asked and tried to give her at least the same attention. Things improved more after she finally told me that she thought I was giving M too much attention and needed to learn what more apropriate boundries were. I followed through and greatly reduced the frequency of messaging M. Instead showing my SO that she still means a lot more to me than M ever would.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It completely turned around for the better when M invited me and my SO along with some of her friends to Disney Land (Paris). My SO would finally actually meet M and see how we interact and at the same time get some time out from all the stress she was in as well. Since then my SO no longer asks me to see my Whatsapp messages and even better, suggested that not only M but M's friends that went with us to disney land should also be invited to our wedding (but jokingly added that I shouldn't dance too close to M then :p).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At least for me being (mostly) honest worked out for the best. Although I never explicitly told my SO that I might have (had) feelings for M, she must've realised it's more than just a friend. At the same time since we vaguely agreed on what she thinks are acceptable boundries between M and me she can trust me to not cross those. So our marriage will still continue as planned (with some extra great guests) and I expect us both to live happily ever after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="19880" LastEditDate="2018-08-10T11:03:11.687" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T11:03:11.687" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17467" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17463" CreationDate="2018-08-09T09:35:53.983" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in Germany and ride the Taxi regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Germany:&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;You can sit, wherever you want!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm alone I usually sit in the front. A lot of Taxi-drivers are up for a chat, and usually know the city quite well so it can be useful when you are somewhere new.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I have company, I usually sit in the back so we can talk to ourselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other parts of the world, sitting in the back seems to be more common or even mandatory (London, New York). In general, you can't go wrong if you sit in the back. Also, if you are a foreigner, there is nothing wrong with just asking the driver on your first ride. &lt;em&gt;I'm new, what's the protocol...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other etiquette for Germany: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tipping is not mandatory, but also not uncommon. Just do however you feel. I usually do ~10%.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Prices are fixed by the local government, and there should be a counter that displays the current fare. It has a starting price (~3€), and then a per km/minute price. Night rates are usually a little more expensive. That said, especially for longer trips you can often negotiate a cheaper fixed fare beforehand.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there are several taxis, you usually go to the one in the front. Exception: if you want to negotiate a fixed price, you can also ask the other ones.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The taxi business is controlled quite tightly. Every taxi has a number in the back window. If you have any complaints, remember that number and the time at which the issue occurred.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are required to use your seatbelt (as in any car in Germany).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-08-10T14:49:35.803" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T14:49:35.803" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17359" CreationDate="2018-08-09T10:41:36.757" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friends have asked what you've been up to, you tell them. If they didn't want to know, they wouldn't have asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds as though, you are concerned you may make your friends envious, that you have a better life than they do. However I'm quite sure it will not be interpreted that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a nice car, house, regular holidays etc. That's great, but hardly something that will drive your friends to envy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lots of people can afford these things, many can afford these things as well as having children. So if you consider it that way, it seems less special.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're able to have a comfortable life, by sacrificing having a family. That is a big sacrifice to have to make, for some simple material possessions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you consider it this way, it seems your life is not so special that it need cause envy or jealousy amongst your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T10:41:36.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17471" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-09T12:42:43.550" Score="4" ViewCount="689" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a moderately good looking woman. With basic makeup and hair styling, I can make myself look pretty. This is my preferred look when I go out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Situation:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Meeting new people or acquaintances and having formal/casual conversations.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Scenario : Workplace discussions or casual conversations with people who already know that I dress up well. They dot know if I ever tone down.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Few people assume that I know certain things or topics; could range anything from cooking to finance to politics. When I tell them that I have no idea about it, they usually mock me by saying, &quot;Oh!!! I thought you were an exceptional person with knowledge in that area'. This is rather a polite way, but some people use rather rude, blunt and impolite statements. This is hurtful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could even be the reverse. If I approach someone with a query related to my work or any topic that they are experts in (cooking, politics) etc, a few of them retort saying that, 'This is simple. I thought &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; knew it.' or 'Someone like &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; should know it' and make fun of me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, it could even be about my personal preferences. One time, an incident occurred in the office and I backed out for reasons known to me. A few colleagues commented 'We expected so much from you' and started laughing hilariously. Though it was not a cowardice act but rather a general human tendency, they projected to me that I am a coward myself and made fun of me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Scenario : Casual conversations with people who already know that this tone downed dressing is the only me.&lt;/strong&gt; This happened a mere 2-3 times in my entire life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case, I tone down my appearance, such conversations never occur. I get sympathy or sometimes even advice about how to deal with it. But, I prefer my way of dressing and do not intend to tone down anytime in the future. In this case, they are different set of people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wondered why should I be a know-it-all and if it not okay to not know everything or anything in this world. After a little thinking, I assumed that probably my kempt persona could be the reason people assume that I have idea about most of the topics, or it could be to prove that I am dumb or it could be to prove that their own assumption about me was wrong. Irrespective of their intentions, those statements do bother me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to ensure that I do not really get bothered about such statements and I wondered if I could say something in return to them which would make them feel that they were rude or make them realize that I do not have to be a know-it-all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something akin to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sorry to have disappointed you. I wish I knew more about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am lost for other kinds of such one or two liners which would make them think twice before making such statements. Can you please guide me with this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adding a few links to testify what I am saying. A little google search helped me with these. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Attractive Women Are Perceived As More Intelligent&lt;/strong&gt; Quoting from &#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://bigthink.com/elise-bohan/women-have-a-biological-advantage-on-dating-apps&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://bigthink.com/elise-bohan/women-have-a-biological-advantage-on-dating-apps&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Studies have found that the clothes we wear shape others' perceptions of our capability.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.businessinsider.in/12-science-backed-tricks-for-appearing-smarter-than-you-are/Smile-/slideshow/50594755.cms&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.businessinsider.in/12-science-backed-tricks-for-appearing-smarter-than-you-are/Smile-/slideshow/50594755.cms&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Attractive people are also seen as more intelligent&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wired.co.uk/article/prettier-people-more-intelligent&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.wired.co.uk/article/prettier-people-more-intelligent&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14242" LastEditorUserId="14242" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T14:58:06.830" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T18:53:38.860" Title="Responding to people who assume that I know certain things because of my dressing" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="21" ClosedDate="2018-08-09T19:19:35.980" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17471" CreationDate="2018-08-09T14:09:47.940" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;With the current information the only answer I would have is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be honest and tell them the comments hurt and that they only seem to happen when you are dressed like this.  Do they have an issue with the way you dress?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point you only have your interpretation and I assume you are trying to get a non biased interpretation from here, but we don’t know the people and haven’t witnessed the interactions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 1 be honest about the way they make you feel and request them to stop treating you like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 2 escalate to management if they persist after being asked nicely&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 3 if management can’t or won’t help talk to HR about it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 4 if HR can’t or won’t help you will either have to cope with it or find another job&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. It’s always good to let them know how you wish the interactions and relationship would go.  This shows them how you wish to be treated and also how much you value the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20169" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T14:09:47.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17473" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-09T14:50:52.787" Score="4" ViewCount="505" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a part of a friend group where somehow anytime we do anything, there's one friend that somehow twists it to a way to belitter herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, let's say we are sharing our artworks in a chatroom, she'll respond something like &quot;Wow that's so good, I should just give up drawing now since everything I make is crap&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if we are picking a movie to watch, she'll go &quot;Oh that's a better choice than any trashy movie I'd pick&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately she came back into the chatroom to talk about how she just had been cut off from being friends with for being too emotionally draining, and I can understand why but she isn't 100% of the time like that. And I suspect she is self aware of what she is doing sometimes but can't change how she feels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing we say can or do can make her feel like we love her as a friend and want her to do well. When we post art, we aren't trying to say &quot;You suck at drawing&quot; when we pick a movie we aren't trying to say &quot;You suck at picking movies&quot; and I just don't know how she gets those ideas in her mind&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people are depressed and constantly belittling themselves like this, what is something we can say or do to help them know that we are friends, and we care? I'm not good at making jokes, and &quot;I hope you feel better&quot; never works. Inviting them to do stuff with us doesn't seem to work, because she says no a lot. Saying &quot;No your art is pretty good, I love how you draw x and y&quot; works maybe the first time but after the 30th time... I don't have a lot of new things to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say in situations when she belittles herself that will &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1.) Not confirm her negative thoughts.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;2.) Steer the conversation to something positive.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;3.) Help her not see everything we do as a personal attack on her. (IE: showing her art = &quot;My art sucks&quot;, Making dinner for her = &quot;My cooking sucks&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6888" LastEditorUserId="6888" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T18:47:05.783" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T22:47:32.600" Title="How can I steer my depressed / low self esteem friend away from belittling herself on unrelated topics" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17471" CreationDate="2018-08-09T15:25:44.910" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even after reading your story and all of your comments, it's difficult to understand &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; someone would act in this way.  It's not clear what your appearance -- dressing up or down -- has to do with your perceived knowledge of cooking or politics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing that makes sense is to assume that person is &lt;em&gt;envious&lt;/em&gt; of your appearance and wants to belittle you, in order to make themselves feel superior.  Although you might think this behavior childish, unfortunately, it's fairly common, and can be difficult to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although it may not seem like it, it's actually a kind of &lt;em&gt;compliment&lt;/em&gt;.  The person casting aspersions wouldn't do so if they didn't think you have unusually good &lt;em&gt;style&lt;/em&gt;.  They'd just leave you alone and not consider you a threat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first, take it as a kind of weird compliment.  That should keep it from bothering you as much.  Feel free to assume literally meaning, and ignore any nasty subtext.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some examples of responses you can use in either situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How nice of you to think that, but actually I don't know anything about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why makes you think that? Of course, I'd love to be an expert on it, but I don't think I know any more than you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really?  Well, I know a little bit about (subject) but I haven't really spent much time studying it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the specific case where you go to someone for their advice, and they respond to the effect of, &amp;quot;Someone like you should know that!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm flattered you think that way, but I'm completely lost.  &lt;strong&gt;That's why I came to you, because you seem to by the expert here&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note: One reason people are nasty to those they are envious of, is because they assume that you are first going to be nasty to them, possibly because you look better.  It's what I call a &lt;em&gt;self-creating&lt;/em&gt; belief system, because naturally many people will respond to nastiness with nastiness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, this is a kind of &lt;em&gt;schoolyard&lt;/em&gt; behavior some people never outgrow -- but you can sometimes break the cycle by always being nice, and sincerely compliment the other person.  It doesn't always work (or it might take a long time to work) but it can often make &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel better, to know that you are trying to create harmony among your coworkers, rather than sow additional discord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T18:53:38.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17475" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17473" CreationDate="2018-08-09T15:27:13.607" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, depression is a serious mental condition and should be treated by professionals. Don't expect anything you say to make her depression dissappear. But you can help her see herself in a better light and strengthen her self-confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow that's so good, I should just give up drawing now since everything I make is crap&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't confirm her negative remark, instead, reply something positive. As a rule of thumb, expect her to think about your reply as long as you thought about it. A platitude like &quot;Your art isn't that bad&quot; doesn't need any thought from you and will be forgotten by her in a second. Instead, think about her art and her recent artwork and reply&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's not true. I really liked the picture of the dog you did last time. The eyes were amazingly beautiful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh that's a better choice than any trashy movie I'd pick&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, don't comment on anything negative. You can reply with a positive past experience again, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you picked [past movie] and it was really good / hilarious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could put her negative remark into a different perspective &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's why we want to watch that movie with you, to show you how good it is. I'm sure you'll enjoy it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could steer the topic away from the negative aspect (her choice in movies) and reply &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It doesn't matter who chooses which movie, they are always better if you watch them with some friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Always remember, platitudes and empty phrases are not credible, especially for someone with depression. They are so insignificant that it doesn't matter whether you say them or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take your time, &lt;strong&gt;think about the person&lt;/strong&gt; you are replying to and always reply something positive, never mention or repeat their negative remark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T15:27:13.607" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17473" CreationDate="2018-08-09T15:32:39.510" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your friend may be dealing with a psychological issue, something like depression or low self-esteem. If this is the case, then she is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; trying to prompt a reaction from you. There isn't anything in particular that she &quot;wants to hear&quot;, but rather you are experiencing an &lt;em&gt;expression of the underlying issue&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These kinds of issues aren't necessarily ones that you are going to be equipped to tackle in arbitrary social settings. They are more in line with what a professional therapist or psychiatrist can provide. Even if your friend is &lt;em&gt;fully aware&lt;/em&gt; that your are her friend and you care that won't necessarily move the needle on her thoughts or behavior-- she may not believe those things in the moment (even if she does at other times or rationally understands that they are true).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you can do:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that these are suggestions from my personal experience and are definitely not a comprehensive list, nor are they things that I would expect to work for every person every time. And, importantly, they shouldn't be expected to &lt;em&gt;fix&lt;/em&gt; things so much as &lt;em&gt;maybe improve them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Reassure, but don't participate in wallowing&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's great to say that you like her art, and that's a valuable contribution in that it does not feed smoothly into spiraling thoughts of low self-worth. There is some risk in your responses becoming mechanical, especially if the negativity is common for your friend, and mechanical responses will be less reassuring to your friend and easier for her to dismiss. I can't tell you where the right balance is, but I would say it's best to be clear and decisive: &quot;well, I can't speak for you, but I really like your artwork [and maybe something specific that you like, some technique or a good piece]&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But try to avoid getting sucked into intricate details, which may be loosely connected (at best) to her feelings and more justifications for them instead. Your consistent message is that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; do not share the negative opinion that she is expressing. You might not have new things to say, but she's not feeling a new thing. You are not building a rational case to convince her (which probably won't work), you are countering her non-rational sentiments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Provide opportunities to do something other than wallow&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one can be hard, but sitting around and not interacting (like at a movie) gives a lot of opportunity to close of and focus only on negative thoughts, which can build on one another. I'm not saying that movies are bad, just that they are not necessarily ideal for addressing these issues. Activities where there are things to do and see and, importantly, interact with external things, might help her focus on other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Engage her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She sounds like she's having trouble reaching out to you, especially when feeling as you describe. You can help by contacting her yourself (planning things to do and inviting her, following up and encouraging her to attend), and then interacting with her when you're together. A good goal is to get her out of her own head, and external activities and conversations are good for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Don't force things for no reason&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't want to pick the movie, don't make her, and don't dwell on it. It's probably better for her to come along and engage socially with you all instead of having her do that plus adding the pressure of pleasing everyone else with a (to her) high-stakes decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5. Give examples of &lt;em&gt;reasonable&lt;/em&gt; self-criticism&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might feel that she is uniquely unworthy, and so anything she picks will be bad while anything anyone else picks would at worst be OK. If you pick a movie, and it's terrible, a passing comment like &quot;wow, that really wasn't great. I should have chosen the other one!&quot; without dwelling on it can reinforce that that sort of decision is not very important and that &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt; can make a non-ideal selection. It's probably not as good to point those things out about &lt;em&gt;each other&lt;/em&gt;, as that suggests that people might judge her choices. But if you pick a bad movie you can show that it's a pretty minor issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might even be able to encourage her to be more assertive. If you're getting something to eat afterwards, something like &quot;well, I'm not lucky at picking things today, so someone else should choose the restaurant. [Friend], where should we go?&quot; can indicate that even choices that aren't huge successes are OK, and that she would not be alone in making such a choice. But, as above, if she really doesn't want to, there's no real reason to make her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;6. Professional assistance&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like I suggested above, there are a lot of situations that would match what you are describing that are not suitable for social friends to address on an event-by-event basis. A professional can be very valuable in those cases, if she's open to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;----Background----&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I go through depressive cycles myself, and have for my whole life. Some of what you describe in your friend resonates with me (though that in no way means that the situations are the same; I do not know your friend). These are largely drawn from my personal experiences, particularly my reflections during non-depressed periods.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T15:32:39.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17478" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17482" CreationDate="2018-08-09T16:58:02.900" Score="9" ViewCount="1559" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a male brazilian (born and living) software developer. I'm part of a remote team with people living in Brazil and in USA (born in other countries as well). We've been working together for 1 month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently I am in USA on a business trip to get to know my colleagues working from here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day after the work we decided to go out for a happy hour. During the happy hour we started to play some party games (let's say table-tennis) and I got a match against one of my female colleagues (which is also our team leader). Since it was our first match, we were not sure about who was supposed to start playing. I tried to be polite, so I said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Ladies first, please go ahead!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Briefly after she looked at me and said that this is a very rude thing to say in USA. I felt really awkward and promptly apologized to her. In Brazil usually it is not a rude thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that the &quot;ladies first rule&quot; is something that may sound rude in some cases, but in this situation in particular I was just trying to be polite with a colleague that I hold a huge respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: How rude is &quot;ladies first rule&quot; in USA?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11264" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T19:05:31.373" Title="How rude is &quot;ladies first rule&quot; in USA?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-08-09T18:50:47.990" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17359" CreationDate="2018-08-09T17:20:42.557" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;What's funny is that I've had the same question, but with the roles reversed!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been married more than 22 years to a wonderful wife. We have 6 kids ages 7-20. Our marriage and kids are a sources of great joy to me. When people ask what I've been doing lately, it almost always is something having to do with my family.  If I'm talking with someone who is single and/or with no children, I often feel self-conscious and a little sorry for them that they don't get to experience the incredible blessings that I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every state in life has joys and sufferings that are unique to it. One way to avoid sounding like you're bragging is to remind yourself that the person you're talking with may actually feel grateful that she or he is not in your situation.  I explicitly work on cultivating a genuine interest in what my interlocutors are saying, what they are experiencing, and how they are feeling.  I can then affirm and share in the good things that they experience, without drawing explicit attention to what I may (perhaps wrongly!) feel they may lack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4539" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T17:20:42.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17478" CreationDate="2018-08-09T17:31:06.157" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Ladies first&quot; could be offensive to people that believe that women should not receive special treatment and may constitute this action as being sexist. Some people would categorize &quot;lady first&quot; as a form of chivalry and not be offended, but thankful of the action. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend in this kind of situation in the future you merely ask your American colleague if she would like to go first, instead of saying &quot;ladies first.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T17:31:06.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17478" CreationDate="2018-08-09T17:41:22.933" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer your question: &lt;strong&gt;no, the 'ladies first' rule isn't inherently rude.&lt;/strong&gt; However, the response to your gesture of &quot;ladies first&quot; will vary. Some may take it as patronizing, as if you're insisting they're incapable of opening the door themselves. Some women may take it as a flirtatious gesture, which is a situation you may want to avoid if you're coworkers with these women. Others may respond positively, and view it as proper and chivalrous etiquette. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you could ask, &quot;Would you like to go first?&quot;, this could cause a weird and unnatural break in the conversation or walk. My suggestion is to still open doors for female &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; male colleagues, but instead say something along the lines of &quot;After you&quot; instead of &quot;ladies first&quot;. This removes the somewhat complicated gender roles and obligations, and now frames the gesture as a common courtesy. Now, the underlying social implication is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am happy to perform this polite gesture because I enjoy being courteous to others!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I am a man, you are a woman, and this is what men have to do for women.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T17:41:22.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17483" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17463" CreationDate="2018-08-09T18:21:19.943" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There really is no etiquette for taxis in Germany; they enjoy no special status (aside from being considered too expensive for everyday use in a non-business context if there is a good alternative, which there usually is). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have, on business trips, rode many taxis, have sat in the front and in the back regularly. Some drivers are talkative, and some are not. &lt;em&gt;Everyone&lt;/em&gt; &quot;got it&quot; when I did not want to talk. I signalled that in the usual way, e.g. by not initiating any small talk myself, by closing my eyes and leaning back, by using my phone or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T18:21:19.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17484" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-09T18:50:22.587" Score="29" ViewCount="2367" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am a very high functioning autistic and can act &quot;normal&quot; most of the time. Most people don't know I have autism, esp at work or other controlled situations so it's not a problem there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I still have meltdowns from time to time in social situations, where my condition becomes very apparent. These include behaviors like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;stimming behaviors/partial loss of motor control&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;inability to change subjects&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Panic attack (triggered by the meltdown)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;very poor&lt;/strong&gt; communication to the point of being perceived as abrasive&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Literalism (I will mistake sarcasm or use the wrong words)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Loss of ability to filter. (if it's in my head it comes out without any tact)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Selective mutism (If it's bad enough, I lose the ability to speak)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, while I can withdraw (and do), this still brings problems. When I withdraw, people who know me as a normal everyday person are often shocked and make assumptions about me, like thinking I'm acting like a jerk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm unable to address these assumptions right when the meltdown happens, and later it is much harder explaining myself because it looks like I'm making excuses for bad behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fallout of such incidents takes a big emotional toll on me. Sometimes I unintentionally offend people, sometimes they think I'm putting on a show, sometimes people accuse me of playing the victim on purpose. All of this is very grating and emotionally draining and saddening to deal with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes when asking about how to deal with this, I'm told I should just stay away from certain places. However, I'd like to still interact with the world and partake in society. Cloistering myself off from everyone is not a viable option for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is only a problem with acquaintances, strangers and friends, my job by nature of the workplace does not often generate such interactions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is principally when I am in social settings in groups among friends and acquaintances. More so if there is strong stimuli such as loud music and/or flashing lights.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm looking for a method or set of methods that I can develop to better address fallout from my meltdowns and to avoid ruining social relationships with them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T23:58:45.693" LastActivityDate="2019-03-14T04:50:09.163" Title="How to address fallout from my meltdowns and to avoid ruining social relationships" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17478" CreationDate="2018-08-09T19:05:31.373" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't really disagree with the other answers, but wanted to expand a little. The US is very big, and there are very different cultures in different regions, but for the sake of simplicity we can group these into the &quot;North&quot; and &quot;South&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Bias alert, I'm from the South). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note, this is painting with very broad strokes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the South, chivalry is still the norm. People even talk about &quot;Southern gentlemen&quot; as the sort of ideal archetype. In the South, you are almost expected to hold the door for women, allow them to go first, help them carry stuff, etc. Failure to do this usually won't get a verbal reprimand, but you will come off as rude. &lt;strong&gt;Ladies first&lt;/strong&gt; wouldn't almost never be considered rude here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People in the North tend to fancy themselves as the modern and progressive-minded bunch. As such, you are more likely to encounter people who see polite acts as somehow condescending. They go to lengths to treat everyone equally, even if that means equally rude. &lt;strong&gt;Ladies first&lt;/strong&gt; is more likely to be seen as rude here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though in my personal opinion, any woman who gets actually offended by &lt;strong&gt;Ladies first&lt;/strong&gt; is beyond saving and should be avoided as much as possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20529" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T19:05:31.373" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16605" CreationDate="2018-08-09T19:13:24.287" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I apologize for the repeated, prolonged absence, but I've decided to answer this question myself since I've found a solution that seems to be working for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, I've decided to try to gently push them in the right direction by making commissions and guiding them in a way that will hopefully ultimately lead to them improving, as this is an artist that understands that no one knows what a commissioner wants in a commission more than the commissioner themselves.(edited)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not an ideal solution for me due to the fact that money is not easy to come by for me and will possibly leave me worse for wear because of such, but I ultimately may just have to deal with this fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19915" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T19:13:24.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17488" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-09T19:31:09.453" Score="7" ViewCount="523" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I have a friend who's suffering from a condition known as cirrhosis that will likely take their life anytime between several months from now and several years from now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, this condition, unlike for example, late-stage cancer, isn't an unavoidable death knell; with the right procedures, this condition can be very much treated, if not outright cured.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But unfortunately, this friend of mine cannot afford these treatments any longer, and absolutely refuses most forms of help from others, especially money based help, simply because they think that taking other people's money to make their life better is being selfish, and that taking what they can't give back is against their moral code.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worse still is that they've had a pretty miserable life overall (to the point that their miserableness had led to their condition), and they insist that their life would continue to be awful without this condition. In other words, I feel they're basically trying to commit &quot;suicide by inaction&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't want to lose them, and I feel more powerless than ever. Is there anything whatsoever I can do to get them the help they need?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19915" LastEditorUserId="19915" LastEditDate="2018-08-09T21:18:53.150" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T21:18:53.150" Title="Helping a friend who will likely die without help, but refuses help?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2018-08-09T22:27:49.797" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17489" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-09T19:59:26.550" Score="7" ViewCount="2441" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Growing up, I was always close with my sister because I spent a lot of time with her and told her everything. As I grew older and went to college, I began spending less time with her and our relationship went through peaks and valleys. About six months ago, I moved in with my sister and her husband (they live close to my university and I have one more year to complete) in order to save money which I was very grateful for. When I spend a lot of time with my sister and her husband and their friends, things are great. She is really nice and loving and fun to be around. Her friends and I don't have much in common so I prefer to spend time with my own but I will on occasion hang out with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problem: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though I live with my sister, I'm rarely home. I work full time for an engineering company during the summer, I have a boyfriend, I also work in a lab, and I like to hang out with my friends a couple evenings a week since I can in the summer. My sister does not understand this at all. She gets very upset with me when I'm not home frequently. She will call and talk about me to my parents and other siblings and treat me with a very cold attitude when I do come home. If I don't hang out with her friends she gets upset too. If she calls me that night and I don't come home to spend time with her and her friends because of a previous commitment, she will be angry when I see her again. This gives me anxiety to even see her or come home to the place I live. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I have a reasonable and calm conversation to explain to my sister that I love her but cannot deal with the way she is handling our situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are both in our twenties living in the United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user19898" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-08-10T13:25:51.770" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T18:45:56.087" Title="How to talk to my sister about not spending as much time with her?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17473" CreationDate="2018-08-09T22:47:32.600" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm a part of a friend group where somehow anytime we do anything, there's one friend that somehow twists it to a way to belitter herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As an example, let's say we are sharing our artworks in a chatroom, she'll respond something like &quot;Wow that's so good, I should just give up drawing now since everything I make is crap&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Or if we are picking a movie to watch, she'll go &quot;Oh that's a better choice than any trashy movie I'd pick&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To best deal with this you need to carefully try to assess what it is that she is trying to accomplish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is she saying something negative about herself:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;because she genuinely feels underappreciated or unworthy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;hoping to get a compliment.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;wanting her decision (or artwork) to be chosen over the others.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;just making conversation, and forcing the response to be positive towards her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;trying to put out negativity, and since you're not targeted your reply won't be aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I say in situations when she belittles herself that will:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Not confirm her negative thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Steer the conversation to something positive.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Help her not see everything we do as a personal attack on her. (IE: showing her art = &quot;My art sucks&quot;, Making dinner for her = &quot;My cooking sucks&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before you get into that situation try to avoid it in the first place, but also try to avoid going down one of the other 'wrong roads' listed above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: If there's just the two of you sitting around and you are both at the junction of picking a movie ask if she would like to choose what you watch:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she says OK just like the choice and next time say &quot;she chose last time, it's your turn to choose&quot;. - no blaming, or right or wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she says her choice will be bad then you can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the first few times assure her that you think her choice will be OK - then it's no longer her choice that is &lt;em&gt;bad&lt;/em&gt; but your opinion that is invalid; why would she insult you when you are being polite.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;subsequent times explain that previously she decided she would let you choose, you are open to letting her choose too but you don't want to argue about whether she should decide if she can decide - that's just circular and non-productive; if she would prefer to chat over watching a movie there's little point in trying to be argumentative about her own decisions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For artwork let her show hers or not. Say you don't want to show yours because it's unfinished. If it is finished say it's good because you spent enough time on it. If ultimately her artwork is to be no good why not suggest she: spend more time on it, let you help or offer a tip, quit art and doing things that entitle her to be negative.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Lately she came back into the chatroom to talk about how she just had been cut off from being friends with; for being too emotionally draining, and I can understand why - but she isn't 100% of the time like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And I suspect she is self aware of what she is doing sometimes but can't change how she feels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;True depression can come and go - the condition isn't necessarily continuous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can go to a community help center and explain this, see if they have someone whom can join you for dinner and put out an insightful and winning comment that will save everything or provide you with better targeted advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you can ask if she would like to go to one of these places to discuss what is troubling her - that can very easily go bad, sound blaming or suggestive that she has a problem - ask them first how you would cautiously proceed with this.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you are sure she is not ill you need to assess if she is a nuisance and like the other group said &quot;emotionally draining&quot;. Decide how much time and effort it is worth to you to fix the annoying aspects of her behaviour. It's up to you to decide for yourself what investment you will make. If she's a really great person it will be worth it, perhaps you would be better off with her other friends she mentioned. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Myself: I have a &lt;em&gt;budget&lt;/em&gt; for such activity, a smaller one for new friends and more patience with older friends - you don't want to be an enabler for things to continue this way, and end up with an old friend that really is no friend at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-08-09T22:47:32.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17492" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-09T23:36:08.783" Score="9" ViewCount="897" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work as a software developer for a company that has recently started to use agile practices. For those unaware of the term, part of the agile process is to have retrospective meetings where the team look at how they can improve their processes in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have had a couple of these meetings recently where suggestions have been made for improvement, including some that I have made. The problem is I believe my team leader has taken it as criticism of her management style. While I can't speak for other members of the team, I have certainly not meant any criticism. I have a lot of respect for her and she has helped me on many occasions. I believe she is an excellent leader.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to let her know this but it seems out of place to just walk up and tell her this. So my question is, how do I let her know that her leadership is appreciated without it sounding strange or out of context?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20817" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-11T16:22:44.203" LastActivityDate="2019-03-28T14:11:50.523" Title="How can I let my team leader know she is appreciated" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17489" CreationDate="2018-08-10T00:10:11.957" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My sister and I have a similar relationship - she wishes I spent more time with her, but I am busy with work and school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are my suggestions for you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell her directly that her overbearing behavior is bothering you. Remind her that you appreciate her letting you stay with her and you enjoy her company, but because of other commitments you can't be with her all the time. Tell her that it's unacceptable for her to act cold towards you and to drag other family members into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also suggest planning activities with her in advance - maybe once a week, or however often you are comfortable with. Plan activities that you will both enjoy together, make sure to get her input about what she would want to do. Outside of these planned activities, make sure you clearly communicate your free time with her so she doesn't feel blindsided by you being busy. When you show her that you are prioritizing hanging out with her, she may feel more placated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also consider other factors that may be influencing her behavior. Possibly she is lonely, or upset about something and wants to discuss it with you? Perhaps you and her husband could go about seeing if something else is up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T00:10:11.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17495" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17559" CreationDate="2018-08-10T00:20:23.697" Score="10" ViewCount="2310" Body="&lt;p&gt;I moved into a shared home where the landlord is also one of the people living in the suite I share. After moving in she told me she can't take out the garbage or recycling. I don't know why she can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind doing extra once in a while but I think it's unfair if the usual expectation is for me to take out her trash. Someone suggested I ask for $10 or $20 off my rent as compensation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's unfortunate the trash can is very far from the house and we have to go down three flights of stairs to get to it. Apparently the city wanted it there because of zoning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of the reason why it's important to figure this out is so I can make an agreement with the other roommate who is able to do the trash (e.g. splits days with him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to ask my roommate for a fair compensation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19971" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2018-08-10T20:56:16.063" LastActivityDate="2018-08-12T20:10:19.600" Title="Roommate says she won't/can't take out trash. How to ask for compensation?" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17498" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17463" CreationDate="2018-08-10T01:18:30.420" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here in Austria (which is a neighbour of germany) you can sit in front or in the back. You are the guest and you choose. You can also decide to (small-)talk or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it's really not much you can do wrong here. However as everywhere not all taxi drivers on all days are in the same temper, so their might be slight differences in your experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I know there is not much of a etiquette other than&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;be kind&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;smalltalk or not, as you like&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;sit in front or back, as you like&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;maybe give some tip if you want and the ride was good (maybe 5-10%), but you don't have to - it is optional.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short: You pay, and the driver has to act professionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19079" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T01:18:30.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17499" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17495" CreationDate="2018-08-10T02:27:08.897" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a good question of negotiation.  I would suggest not asking for a fee &lt;em&gt;upfront&lt;/em&gt;, such as the 10 to 20 dollars off your rent that you had in mind, but instead, when the time comes to renew your lease, or if you don't have a lease and the landlord wants to raise your rent, bring up the fact that you've been doing extra work around the shared home, namely taking out the trash, and state that it would be fair to keep the rent the same as before, without increases.  If she insists on raising your rent, then start negotiating her down to an increase that could take into consideration that you and your roommate did extra work.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would bet that your lease / rent will be favorable to you for as long as you wish to live there, because the landlord will have grown used to your helpful ways around the house -- and good roommates are hard to find.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20357" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T02:27:08.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17227" CreationDate="2018-08-10T08:15:39.760" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are times that people make up their minds in such a way that facts and logic have no further effect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if Bob truly appeals to the Bible for motivation, consider pointing him to the book of Hosea in the Bible, where God’s attitude towards His people is demonstrated tangibly by the interaction between the prophet and the prophet’s unfaithful wife. It acknowledges the pain caused by and consequent to the unfaithfulness, but it also speaks of active redemption and the underlying desire for a return and reconciliation. It’s not a long read, and the main question for Bob to consider while reading it is: &lt;em&gt;When God was in a situation like his, what did He do ... and what was His desired outcome?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to children, there are no verbal instructions as powerful as what they pick up from their parents’ attitudes. Contempt for spouse in one generation becomes unhealthy emotional baggage in the next generation. Regardless of how Bob feels about Alice, he should consider how his treatment of her affects his own child (and his relationship with his child) in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don’t expect this to produce immediate changes in Bob’s attitudes or behaviour. His wife still cheats on him and this has got to hurt. However, the goal is to get Bob to look at the situation from a couple of other important perspectives: from God’s perspective and from his child’s perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your own interactions with Bob: even if you find his reactions to be over the top, consider riding through this with him. His perspective, however narrow you might think it to be, was shaped by the truly awful discovery of marital unfaithfulness. He might have been overly outspoken to Alice’s parents, but have you considered that &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; was unfaithful and yet &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; was thrown out of their home? This is a picture of his broader situation, and it might help for him to reflect on what he can do so it doesn’t keep turning out that way. It sounds like he could really do with a friend right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal is for a peaceful resolution, with Bob and Alice happy and giving their child a nice upbringing. Most of this isn’t up to you, and it’s not easy to achieve even when husband and wife both want it. Here, Alice isn’t even willing to give up her ongoing extramarital affairs. I suspect that the starting point for any reconciliation is for each party to understand the perspective of the other person. That’s not to say they’d agree with it, just that they look and really see through the other person’s eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As their friend, it sounds like you’ve heard both of them out. You don’t have to be the one to find the way forward; what you can do, though, is to show them that their side of the story isn’t the only side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T08:15:39.760" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17393" CreationDate="2018-08-10T11:36:30.747" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The context is everything here! When you answer a technical question, people will be very happy you solved their issue regardless of your approach, unless they have a personal issue with you. Like a co-worker who despises you, customer who is angry at a company you represent, or your wife/girlfriend who... God knows what. Think harder about this one. Could be your love life, your having cats instead of children, or 1000 other things. Technical questions have little to do with this one!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13622" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T11:36:30.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17505" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17509" CreationDate="2018-08-10T13:10:42.220" Score="76" ViewCount="50833" Body="&lt;p&gt;A bit of a background, I am in my early 20's, I was in a relationship for 8 years, we have broke up on good terms, and I have never experienced  &quot;single life&quot; so I don't have any experience in this kinda stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During a night out, I went on a trip with a group of friends to a different city few weeks ago, I met a girl (let's call her Amy). We made out and talked for a good while, and got interested in each other similar interests. After that I walked her home and that was that. We still keep in touch on a daily basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am traveling there this weekend with a group of friends again, Amy will be out as well, and I want to ask her to spend a night with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: &lt;strong&gt;How can I ask a girl to come back to a hotel without sounding creepy?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20830" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-11T19:23:05.567" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T05:37:30.053" Title="Ask a girl whether she would like to come back to a hotel with me on a night out without being creepy" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17505" CreationDate="2018-08-10T13:23:21.293" Score="56" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, do you want to come back to my hotel room tonight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simple.  &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;You already made out with her&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.  Unless she was very drunk and didn't remember or regrets the whole situation, I'm fairly sure she won't take this in a creepy way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you have to do before hand is figure out if she's still into you, by seeing how she reacts to conversation with you.  If it's really awkward (she doesn't look at you, won't talk to you, etc.), then I wouldn't try anything.  However, if she seems just as excited as the last time you talked to her, go for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T13:23:21.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17484" CreationDate="2018-08-10T13:47:36.443" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;As suggested in this &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/a/47379/36008&quot;&gt;answer&lt;/a&gt; on the sister site workplace.stackexchange.com for dealing with panic attacks during interviews, prepare a card with carefully-chosen words, describing the situation and why you need to withdraw.  Prewritten communication cards are recommended for a number of communication difficulties, such as &lt;a href=&quot;https://theaphasiacenter.com/pocket-card/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Aphasia&lt;/a&gt;, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.stroke.org.uk/what-is-aphasia/communication-tools&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Stroke&lt;/a&gt;, and &lt;a href=&quot;http://autisticspeaking.blogspot.com/2016/04/carry-letter-revisited-wallet-card-from.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Autism&lt;/a&gt;.&#xA;By addressing it in the moment, you can avoid the awkwardness of re-opening the event, as well as feeling like you are excusing yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might use words like this.  I am only guessing as what you might want to reveal to your friends in this situation, so make them your own:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friends, you may not be aware that I am a high-functioning autistic,&#xA;  which usually does not interfere with my social activities. &#xA;  Occasionally, like now, it does, and my only option is to withdraw, as I&#xA;  am not currently able to communicate effectively.  It is no one's&#xA;  fault, and if I have inadvertently offended, I apologize.  Don't&#xA;  worry, and I look forward to our next meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep this card handy, hand to your friend/acquaintance, and make your exit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you'd rather not be so up-front about autism, another option is to focus entirely on the symptoms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Friends, you may have noticed that I sometimes get into a state where&#xA;  where I cannot communicate effectively.  This is something I have&#xA;  little control over, and when it happens, my best option is to&#xA;  withdraw.  I apologize for anything offensive I might have said.  Be&#xA;  assured no one did anything to cause this.  Don't worry, and see you&#xA;  next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a situation is more likely than normal to cause a meltdown, mention it up-front: &quot;Hey friend, just wanted to let you know I sometimes have difficulty with loud environments/flashing lights/whatever.  I'm looking forward to this event, but if it goes badly for me, I might act a bit oddly and may have to leave suddenly.  If so, don't worry, carry on, and I'll catch up with you tomorrow.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2548" LastEditorUserId="2548" LastEditDate="2019-03-13T12:45:29.950" LastActivityDate="2019-03-13T12:45:29.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17489" CreationDate="2018-08-10T14:16:10.620" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My background:&lt;/strong&gt; I had a roommate that behaved like this, not a sister, but very similar experiences. Looking back on it now, I would have done things differently, but here's my thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: My dorm college roommate and I became very good friends over the summer, we went to see a Broadway show together- her treat for my birthday. My friendship there was very casual, I thought it was very sweet and caring of her. When we came back to school, I had been talking more and more with a guy that attended the same school, and I had fallen in love and started dating. In short, my relationship with my roommate had turned into a light friendship where I expected to catch up sometimes. I was otherwise occupied with my boyfriend then. However, my roommate expected more. &lt;strong&gt;She wanted to spend more time with me and was disappointed and mad when we could not.&lt;/strong&gt; (We should have communicated our expectations more to each other at this point.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our friendship fell apart after that, and was very rocky. There were other things going on at the same time, school, other dramas, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It seems that both you and your sister have untold/blind expectations of each other. This can cause a rift in the relationship, so communication needs to happen.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My suggestion:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a cup of tea/coffee (whatever you like to drink) together and write out expectations of each other relationship wise, and show it to each other. Be kind and direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's an example approach I thought of to start the conversation off. (You do not have to follow this!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, (sister), I understand you've really struggled getting to know my schedule and not being really sure of expectations of each other, so I want to clear the air and lay our cards out on the table here. I want to express to you my expectations so that there's no blind expectations in our relationship that might harm it, and I would love it if you can tell me yours, so I know about them, and then I can tell you whether I &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; satisfy them or not. After these discussions, we'll have even less blind expectations and we'll know what we can and can't do for each other. Does that sound good?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, &lt;em&gt;from what I read&lt;/em&gt; (I may be incorrect, since I do not know you personally) your expectations of her and yourself could be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect that you will be kind and understanding when I have commitments to satisfy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect that you will communicate respectfully when you want to spend time with me, and respect me when I say that I cannot for X, Y, or Z reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect that I will respect you when you say you want to spend time with me, and I will see what I can do with the schedule constraints I have at that time. &lt;em&gt;I may not be able to immediately spend time with you, but I can schedule a time for an activity.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Scheduling a lunch, dinner, movie, or activity of some kind that you both enjoy would be fun and enhance your relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot tell you what she might say, but if you approach it in a calm manner, and on a good day, I believe things are looking good for you both. Wishing you all the best!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T18:45:56.087" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17509" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17505" CreationDate="2018-08-10T14:19:31.670" Score="193" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people claim that, in this &quot;politically correct&quot; climate, it feels impossible to ask someone you are physically attracted to have sex without coming across as a weirdo -- but these people fail to understand a simple concept:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Consent isn't creepy&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;should ask&lt;/em&gt; someone if they would like to become more intimate, especially once you've established that you are attracted to each other.  There are any number of ways to pose the question, and no need for a &quot;sophisticated&quot; line:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I really like you.  I'm staying at a hotel nearby, do you want to come and spend the night with me? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, of course, you might feel &lt;em&gt;nervous&lt;/em&gt; asking this of someone, but that's OK.  It's perfectly normal to feel some anxiety in this situation, because it's something you want (probably a lot) and you risk rejection by putting it out there.  Sometimes you just gotta go for it, though.  The risk is worth the reward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side note:  If she does say yes, then I recommend buying some condoms so you're prepared, but don't &lt;em&gt;assume&lt;/em&gt; her consent to come back to your hotel means she wants to have &lt;em&gt;sex&lt;/em&gt;.  If she is at your hotel room, and things start heading in that direction, then it's definitely OK to &lt;em&gt;get her clear consent&lt;/em&gt; that sex is what she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, some people think all this &lt;em&gt;talking&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;asking&lt;/em&gt; gets in the way, but I think you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; your sexual partner to be fully engaged and enthusiastic.  It makes things much more comfortable, playful, and ultimately &lt;em&gt;enjoyable&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Edit) To be clear:  This is all about &lt;em&gt;consent&lt;/em&gt;.  Consent means that sometimes the person you ask might say &quot;no&quot;, and, regardless of your personal feelings, you should accept their decision with good grace. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T15:36:16.547" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T15:36:16.547" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17510" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-10T16:02:17.327" Score="14" ViewCount="831" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an adult male in his late 20's and have been living on my own for several years with a good job. My dad every so often will go to garage sales or the store and see something interesting he thinks I'd like. These are usually small things, typically under $50. However, I have my own tastes in things and what would fit in my life. As an example, he may know that my coffee pot broke and I'm looking around for a new one. He'll buy me a red one when my kitchen is color-coded stainless steel/black.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just found out he bought me a shelf, which I need, but haven't bought on my own because I was still trying to figure out what style/shape would best fit in my apartment. If I see something he gets me and I don't like it, I start feeling ungrateful. What makes it even worse is that I'm much more well off than my dad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convey to him kindly that I just don't like some things he buys me and that he should either stop buying me things or consider that I won't like everything he gets?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20833" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-08-10T17:10:42.650" LastActivityDate="2020-11-17T15:47:57.347" Title="How can I convey to my dad that I like that he buys me things, but sometimes they are just not my taste?" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17511" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17505" CreationDate="2018-08-10T16:13:17.853" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask her, and be clear all options are ok with you, by &lt;em&gt;explicitly stating a range of options as being okay, and trying to anticipate and support wherever she may be at&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm really enjoying your company, its a shame we don't get so much time together.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'd like to ask, do you want to spend the night at my hotel? &lt;strong&gt;I don't know if that's too pushy or it's okay to ask&lt;/strong&gt;, but if I don't ask, I won't find out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And yes, &lt;strong&gt;saying no is okay, and I'll respect it, and if it's yes I won't assume anything&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just want to say I really like your company and &lt;strong&gt;want to find out if you'd be okay with getting closer, or if that's not something you want&lt;/strong&gt;.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, although a bit wordy, this kind of approach works really well and people really &quot;get&quot; where you're at and appreciate it, because it's clear that you are trying to respect and ask, not subtly push.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T16:13:17.853" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17512" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17510" CreationDate="2018-08-10T16:44:33.897" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would have a conversation with your dad and explain it to him just like you explained it in the question - &lt;strong&gt;that you appreciate the gesture, but you don't need these items&lt;/strong&gt;.  Explain to him that you prefer to buy things for your apartment by yourself, and that you just don't have space for all the things he's buying for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible that this is your dad's way of showing his love for you, so maybe suggest other ways of doing so - such as meaningful activities you could do together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T16:44:33.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17514" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17515" CreationDate="2018-08-10T18:41:07.800" Score="18" ViewCount="2716" Body="&lt;p&gt;Long story short, my ex and I split on pretty poor terms a couple months ago. They cheated again, I moved out, and now they're moving in with the person they cheated with...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm trying to &quot;break up well&quot;, trying not to hold grudges, or foment animosity. I'm not looking to be friends with them, but I'm also not looking to be enemies. Basically I'd like a clean break. They go their way, and I go mine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here complications arise. Despite the context of the breakup, and being told that I'd rather not hear from them, they still want to be friends, and still want me to help them when they run into problems. To further complicate things, we're still legally married, so I kinda need to keep things as civil as possible till the paperwork has been shuffled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to be civil, but to put a stop to these requests for help, sympathy, and friendship. Basically I'd just rather not have contact till we're signing papers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I go about telling them that these messages need to stop without escalating the situation? Or perhaps the more nuanced question... How do I explain to an ex that breaking up, in this context, means that it's kinda inappropriate to continue leaning on me for support?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first thought was &quot;Your problems are no longer my problems.&quot; But... This sounds a bit blunt and cold, and I suspect that it may cause things to escalate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2020-06-24T18:27:08.027" Title="Breaking up well" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;divorce&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17514" CreationDate="2018-08-10T19:14:08.060" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've went through &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; of break ups since I came out.  Most of them were because of my own shortcomings at the time, but in almost all cases I wanted to remain friends with my exes because at the time I was still fairly emotional dependent on them.  &lt;em&gt;Bad idea&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found is that when I was met with statements calling &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; out for my behavior, such as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You can't be part of my life anymore because you did X.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;it actually made me feel as though &lt;em&gt;maybe&lt;/em&gt; I could make a friendship work if I repented enough to make up for X - meaning I started trying &lt;em&gt;harder&lt;/em&gt; to prove I could be a great friend.  Alternatively, sometimes it made me feel the need to &lt;strong&gt;argue&lt;/strong&gt; to validate my actions.  Either way, not beneficial to either party involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I found that there was a lot less arguing and tension when I'd be told something more like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I can't see myself being friends with you right now, it's too difficult for me emotionally, with everything that's happened.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Right now, I need some time apart to figure things out for myself.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this was more beneficial for a few key reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Gave me an end goal for regaining their emotional support&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;(i.e. Eventually maybe we can be friends again)&lt;/em&gt;, which tided me over until I was able to find emotional support not reliant on their presence&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Made me feel like I was doing the &quot;right&quot; thing by honoring their request, which was beneficial since I felt like I was in 'the wrong' in terms of our break up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of your ex, I think #1 is most important here.  Your ex desperately wants to hold onto your emotional support, but you don't want to give it.  However, you still need things to remain civil until you are no longer legally married.  &lt;strong&gt;Express to your ex that you can't stay in touch right now because of how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel about the situation&lt;/strong&gt; (don't use 'you/your', focus on 'I/me').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the length of your absence from their life increases, it's likely they'll replace their previous dependence on you with a dependence on someone/something else.  They'll realize they &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; survive without you and not push the friendship envelope any further.  However, if that's not the case, &lt;strong&gt;stick your ground, focus on what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want and what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; need without pointing any fingers at them&lt;/strong&gt;, and get through your divorce before escalating to any more 'blunt' methods of rejecting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-08-10T19:14:08.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17519" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17549" CreationDate="2018-08-11T03:57:14.997" Score="2" ViewCount="596" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been going to my dentist for the past 18 years. It's a family practice: the dentist, his wife (hygienist), his sister-in-law (appointments and billing), and some additional staff I've never dealt with (I think an associate dentist and a hygienist.) I enjoy my visits very much, just really lovely people, every six months it's nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I've been developing a problem that I don't think they're taking seriously enough. I don't want to insist, it'd seem like I was telling him how to do his job. They're so nice, I feel like a jerk. So, I've been thinking about going to a different dentist to get a second opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I do that without offending my dentist? Surely dentists share records and also my insurance would rat me out for cheating?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Edit:&lt;/b&gt; I'm not scheduled to see him again for a few months, so if I go with the &quot;tell him&quot; option do I need to call him first or just make an appointment with someone else myself, and what do I say once I go back next time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19030" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-11T18:49:47.373" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T16:24:48.180" Title="How do I get a second opinion without offending my longtime dentist?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17227" CreationDate="2018-08-11T05:28:42.747" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Okay, it looks like there are a few issues here, and both of them were acting in an un-Christian fashion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With Bob, there is a very clear problem with his pride, but there is also a more subtle problem in that he was clearly failing to meet his wife's sexual needs. Paul writes the following in his first letter to the Corinthians:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not deprive one another, except by mutual consent for a limited time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can see, Paul explicitly states that neither the husband nor the wife is to refuse consent to the sexual desires of their spouse. The purpose of marriage is the sanctification of sexual desire, so if one party needs more sex, the other party should oblige them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, Paul goes on to state the following slightly later in that same letter:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Alice and Bob reconcile (and, if they're both Christians, they probably should, from a Biblical point of view, given that Paul banned divorce between Christians in this passage), he'll need to take her back fully, and that includes satisfying her sexual desires, regardless of whether or not she's &amp;quot;unclean&amp;quot; now. Further, his behavior calling her a slut is decidedly unloving, and Paul commands husbands to love their lives in his letter to the Ephesians:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a glorious church, without stain or wrinkle or any such blemish, but holy and blameless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Indeed, no one ever hated his own body, but he nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. For we are members of His body.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, Alice's adultery was also a sin, and that's not good either, but it doesn't excuse Bob's sins against her - this sort of situation is exactly why Paul banned Christian spouses from refusing sexual consent towards each other. Marriage is a covenant relationship, and just because one party violated their duties in that marriage does not release the other party of their own duties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7295" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-11T05:33:49.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17525" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17532" CreationDate="2018-08-11T11:18:02.397" Score="13" ViewCount="2933" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a very nice co worker at my office. Every morning he comes to my desk and we chat for about fifteen minutes about how our kids are doing and whatnot. I really enjoy these morning conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At one point both him and I had to go through some training courses at work, and one of the courses was taught by an Asian (he was the only Asian) guy. Also both my wife and kids are Asian, and my co worker knows that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So one morning while talking with him, we get approached and asked if we finished a particular course. Since I do not remember all the course names or what they were about (they were just boring corporate nonsense), I asked if it was a course taught by an Asian guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point my co worker gets visibly upset. He accuses me of being a racist. I try explaining to him that there was no animosity in my words and that there was no other way for me to describe the guy teaching the course (since they were all almost identical due to corporate world not allowing for much variance in men's appearances). I continuously try to explain to him that people shouldn't hide their race and that my wife and kids are Asian and it would make no sense for me to be racist towards Asians. He keeps on calling me a racist, obtuse and a troll to any explanation I give. Then proceeds expecting an apology and tells me that I should never identify people by their race.  At his point I get upset too and tell him that what he is saying is trying to control people's speech and that everyone is entitled to free speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point he gets up, leaves, and ever since that conversation he has avoided me, and hasn't even said hi back to me if he sees me in the hallway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is a very nice guy and very pleasant to talk to. I would like to resume our morning conversations, but him avoiding me doesn't give me a chance to talk. How do I fix things between us without having to apologize since I believe what I have done was not wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE:&#xA;So I ended up sending an email to mend things over. We met, I apologized indirectly, he said that he was a bit too sensitive about it and overreacted, and apologized too. So we pretty much both indirectly apologized, and now our morning conversations are resumed, although some damage seems to have been done since now they are not quite as open, but I am sure time will fix that too. I followed exactly what Kate Gregory said, and it worked!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20853" LastEditorUserId="20853" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T01:03:41.473" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T01:03:41.473" Title="Friendly co worker suddenly distant/rude because of different views" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;&lt;politics&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17526" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-11T11:25:50.067" Score="3" ViewCount="690" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 17 and lived for 9 years in London; I have lost my American-English accent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I have returned to my home country, and I just can't get through to them &quot;Stop making fun of the way I talk!&quot; ( Here in my country, AmE is common )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was mocked by other students in my class and the conference hall. I don’t want the others to laugh at me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’d like to say a few words in order to make them feel a little ashamed!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20854" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-08-11T14:56:10.543" LastActivityDate="2018-08-11T15:03:32.263" Title="How can I get across &quot;Stop making fun of the way I talk!&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;accent&gt;&lt;public-speaking&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-08-11T16:27:49.823" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17532" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17525" CreationDate="2018-08-11T13:52:31.320" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to clear the air with this co-worker. Even if you were in fact secretly an incredibly racist person, and you briefly let your guard down and let it show (I'm not saying that's the case), your co-worker's reaction sounds over the top. Some of the avoiding of you may be embarrassment over the over-reaction. Then given that you're not a racist and don't want to be thought of as one, you'd like to clear it up I'm sure.  Since you need to work together, and used to enjoy chatting, it's worth putting in some energy to fix things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, think long and hard about your original comment. Not even vaguely remembering the name of a course you went on is kind of strange. Not remembering the date or anything else about it except the race of the instructor is kind of strange. It indicates that for you, that's what stood out about it. Many people would think that showed you pay attention to race, and in a lot of people's minds, that makes you racist. They say things like &quot;I don't see colour&quot; which people of colour say is actually a terrible thing to say. Take some time to sit with your own thoughts on this. Would it have been better to say &quot;the one we took in July?&quot; or &quot;the one about dont take bribes?&quot; than what you said? IS the phrasing &quot;an Asian guy&quot; a little dismissive? Would have you have said &quot;a white guy&quot;? This is all just you and your head, just thinking and learning and growing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, is there a reasonable apology you can compose? Not one of those &quot;I'm sorry if&quot; non apologies. Something like &quot;I'm sorry we clashed over my description of the instructor. I could have worded that better or come up with a better way to clarify which course you meant.&quot; Work on that until it's something that is genuinely an apology and is genuinely true and reflects your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, email the co-worker and say something like &quot;Can we meet over coffee so we can clear the air between us?&quot; Don't put your apology in the email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the co-worker refuses to meet, you can say something like &quot;I would really like a chance to apologize and return to how things were between us. I believe you've formed the wrong impression of me and I'd like to fix that.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get to meet, say the apology. Then say something like &quot;our friendship is important to me and I want to restore it.&quot; Then listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to say things like &quot;free speech&quot; or &quot;I can't be racist because I am married to someone of a different race.&quot; Focus on the conclusions you drew when you thought this through, and if it seems appropriate, share some of that. Listen to how the coworker felt when you said that. Listen to how the coworker felt when you defended yourself. You may both learn from the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally you shake hands and put it behind you. Worst case is things never go back how they were, but at least you tried and it's not festering and getting worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-08-11T13:52:31.320" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17525" CreationDate="2018-08-11T13:52:43.857" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't quite see how the views you describe qualify as liberal, but here's how I typically deal with situations like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you won't gain anything by replying &quot;No, I'm not a racist&quot; when someone accuses you of being racist. All you achieve is going into confrontation mode, which for most people is the point where they become irrational. Instead, ask them to clarify, something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Why exactly do you think what I said is racist?&quot; / &quot;What exactly do&#xA;  you mean by 'racist'?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask this as non-confrontationally as possible, try to understand what they regard as racist, why they think their definition of racism applies to you / your statement etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can start questioning their definition (in your case, it sounds like their definition of racism is quite nonsensical) or explain why their definition does not apply to what you said. This is also best achieved by asking leading questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point of all this is to let them have their say, demonstrate that you are interested in not being perceived as racist (why else would you care to listen to them?) and that you are in principle willing to learn: After all, in principle, even statements not meant to be racist can justifiably be perceived as such. Understanding this may also help avoiding clashes like the one you described.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Free speech is completely irrelevant in this discussion, by the way. Either what you said is racist (which is the claim of your co-worker), or it isn't. Referring to free speech just means that you are legally allowed to say what you did, which is independent on whether or not it was / is racist. Calling a statement out (correctly or incorrectly) as racist does not automatically imply wanting to ban that statement from being made in public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can happen though is that the fall-back to free speech is seen as an implicit concession (&quot;Yeah, alright, it was racist, but I'm allowed to say it anyway!!&quot;), which is obviously not what you intend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17002" LastActivityDate="2018-08-11T13:52:43.857" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17539" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17526" CreationDate="2018-08-11T14:53:36.143" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make a joke, so instead of them laughing &lt;em&gt;at&lt;/em&gt; you, they're laughing &lt;em&gt;with&lt;/em&gt; you.&#xA;You can say something satirical to make light of the situation, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Contrary to what you might believe, people in the UK actually speak pretty good English.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As of course you (and hopefully they) know, England is where English comes from, so the British naturally assume theirs is the &lt;em&gt;proper&lt;/em&gt; English accent, and occasionally make fun of us Americans for speaking something (to paraphrase Douglas Adams) &amp;quot;almost, but not quite, entirely unlike English&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a light-hearted, fun way, turn the joke back on them.  Examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Pretend not to understand their &amp;quot;horrible&amp;quot; accents (with their weird &amp;quot;a&amp;quot; sounds and strange terminal &amp;quot;r&amp;quot; sounds, and bizarre, made-up words like &amp;quot;sweater&amp;quot;).  Suggest they invest in &lt;em&gt;remedial&lt;/em&gt; language lessons, and give them a short lesson in how to pronounce, for example, &amp;quot;aluminum&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;vitamins&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;schedule&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you talk to them, exaggerate their American accent to the point of absurdity.  &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSO9OFJNMBA&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here's a skit from Monty Python's film &amp;quot;The Meaning of Life&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt; (with varying degrees of success) as an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Every time someone mocks your British accent, bring up some random (and possibly made-up) fact about the UK:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Did you know the United Kingdom recently named chicken tikka masala as its national dish?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The crumpet, which the British eat every morning for breakfast, was originally designed as a weighted throwing disk to protect themselves from early-morning marauding Vikings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and so on.  Again, use humor to defuse the situation.  Be clever, and eventually you'll all be laughing together, instead of you being the odd one out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-11T14:53:36.143" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17540" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17526" CreationDate="2018-08-11T15:03:32.263" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was mocked for having an English accent when I first moved to Canada. I was younger than you are, and it was really upsetting. I can't control how I speak! In my case I lost the accent very quickly as a form of self preservation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't recommend mocking them back. If nothing else, it shows you thinking mocking how people talk is a fine thing to do. What's the point of that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have two real choices: rise above it, or open up about it. A third not very realistic choice is to make different friends. I mention this in passing, because there are plenty of people who wouldn't be mean to you, you are not stuck with this group of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To rise above it, you just smile. You acknowledge that you don't sound like them. You say things like &quot;living abroad has changed me in lots of ways, mostly all good. The accent is just one part of it.&quot; You say &quot;I hear girls love British accents&quot; (or &quot;boys&quot;, as appropriate.) You say &quot;Americans think everyone with a British accent is positively brilliant!&quot; In every way you consider your accent a good thing: a marker of your broader world, wider experience, different education. (To be honest, this is the root of the teasing - your friends know this is a lovely thing about you and want to say it isn't so that they feel better. It's like teasing someone for being tall or getting the best marks.) Don't be a snob. Don't put them down. Just enjoy this thing about yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that feels too brave, and these really are your friends, then open up with them. Don't laugh or smile. Look right at them and say &quot;hey, I can't help how I talk now. My parents took me there and this happened. It's not under my control. Don't bug me about it please.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your plan to make them feel ashamed is not a good one. You want them to either feel empathetic, and not mock you at all (what with being your friend and all) or to realize that you don't mind what they say about your accent, because you like it. Those are achievable goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-08-11T15:03:32.263" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17543" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-11T19:13:13.577" Score="-2" ViewCount="330" Body="&lt;p&gt;February 2017, I organized a surprise party for my girlfriend's 40th birthday. I don't think I'm exagerating saying it was a real success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In February 2019 I'll turn 40 myself and am convinced she is going to do the same. The thing is several clues already  lead me to know when it will be. It's just clues but all the pieces coming together already made it quite certain to me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will, at some point, tell her I know or knew. &lt;strong&gt;What would be the best time to tell her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for reasonable consequences of telling her early, late or after the event. I'm not asking &quot;what should I do?&quot; but what might happen in each scenario. That would really help me to be sure that whatever I decide, an evident consequence that was not so evident to me doesn't blow into my face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11770" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T07:08:02.640" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T07:08:02.640" Title="Handling surprise birthday which is not a surprise anymore" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-08-12T12:45:09.953" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17505" CreationDate="2018-08-11T20:01:33.507" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;On a more funny note, if the girl has a good sense of humour, you could ask her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;“Hey, how can I ask you if you want to come with me to the hotel without sounding creepy?”&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may make you feel less nervous also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea of a question phrased this way is that it leaves some room for interpretation while it doesn’t make you look shy and indecisive. If the girl already has a good impression on you, it’s likely she will appreciate that you respect her and don’t want to push her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is yet undecided, the semi-joke question will leave room for an answer that is not yet final and can change later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15739" LastEditorUserId="15739" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T06:14:36.147" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T06:14:36.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17510" CreationDate="2018-08-11T23:46:42.477" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd handle this problem in a two-step manner.  First, explain to him that you appreciate him buying you these things, but you sometimes don't like the style, more or less like you explained it to us here.  You've grown up with the man, so I assume you have some level of repore, I'm sure he'd understand what you're saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, I'd suggest to him that he could take pictures of things he's &lt;em&gt;thinking&lt;/em&gt; of buying and send them to you, to make sure the style looks good.  This is, of course, assuming you both have cell phones capable of sending and receiving images.  This way you can confirm that the style is appropriate before he spends money on the thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that idea isn't feasible for whatever reason, then perhaps there's another way to check in advance.  Perhaps your father could simply call you and describe it, or perhaps you could start going on these little treasure hunts together and make it into a family bonding thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18955" LastEditorUserId="18955" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T22:53:33.030" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T22:53:33.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17519" CreationDate="2018-08-12T00:33:17.840" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've worked in the medical field for a little bit, including directly with physicians. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, yes, they have egos.  Secondly, however, they're used to people getting second opinions.  They have as their main charge seeing to your continued health rather than their ego.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd imagine the same is true with dentists.  If they're anything like physicians, and I suspect they are, they are used to people asking for second opinions.  The main thing is to be up front with your medical providers about what your plans are.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They don't need to know WHY you want a second opinion and that really doesn't matter.  What matters is that you see someone competent for your second opinion.  And your dentist should be used to recommending someone else.  If they give you any bit of a hard time about wanting a second opinion, then it's time to switch your care to someone more professional.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Believe me when I say medical providers have WAY too much to do than look at your records when they don't have a reason to. Secondly, the US has HIPAA, which prevents sharing your information aside from only where necessary.  That includes your insurance, for which &quot;ratting you out&quot; would only create extra paperwork.  That said, a care provider will inform, via letter, another care provider when they see that provider's patients.  That ensures your care is continuous and nothing gets missed - it's to your benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the &quot;what do I do&quot; part of your question: that's really out of scope here. The interpersonal side of this is, again, to be frank with your provider about what you do, and do not share your reasoning.  Discuss your concerns about your health frankly - there is nothing you can ask that they haven't heard something more embarrassing.   Tell them you want or got a second opinion and what that was, and ask why that treatment plan is better or worse than the one they have.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-08-12T20:28:31.380" LastActivityDate="2018-08-12T20:28:31.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17505" CreationDate="2018-08-12T01:15:43.503" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;The polite way to do this is easy; ask her if she'd like to come back to your room for a cup of tea. This way, she can accept the invitation to spend more time with you in a private setting without committing to physical contact prior to spending a few minutes with you in private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does accept, she knows what might or might not happen in your hotel room. It is up to you to be a gentleman when you get upstairs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she &quot;isn't thirsty&quot; or she &quot;doesn't like tea&quot; then you know you will need to wait until a future encounter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-skZx5liyaM&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Relevant Seinfeld episode&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: Comment requested a reason why this is a good idea. I feel like I covered all the reasons already, but I guess I need to be more explicit. Here's a list of reasons in gory detail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This is a standard method that is used in North America; if you are in North America, there is a chance that your counterpart will be familiar with this. It is well known enough that it was featured in an episode of a popular sitcom, Seinfeld. See link above. I assume this would also work in Europe and even parts of Central / South America, but don't have personal experience with dating in these regions. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Asking somebody for tea of coffee is not offensive. On the other hand, there are many people - both men and women - who would be offended by a blunt question like &quot;Do you want to have sex with me tonight?&quot; There are many people (including myself) would find Andrew's answer above &quot;I'm staying at a hotel nearby, do you want to come and spend the night with me?&quot; to be very blunt and just as offensive. Inviting someone for tea is not blunt; instead it is subtle, yet it can be a clearly understood by many what you are driving at.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Asking somebody up for tea delays, and accepting an invitation for tea, is absolutely not consenting to physical contact. It allows both parties to go to a private area and then assess how comfortable they are, and how secure they feel in each others company. &lt;strong&gt;If one person feels uncomfortable - they have a sociable recourse to simply request the tea which they were invited for, and when the tea is finished, a sociable recourse to initiate an exit.&lt;/strong&gt; For example, it the OP invites Amy up to the room, then discovers that he has qualms about continuing to spend the night with her, can simply serve some tea and make conversation, then offer to call Amy a taxi to return home.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;People in general do not enjoy rejecting others. A direct question like &quot;Want to come up to my hotel room&quot; requires a &quot;yes&quot; or &quot;no&quot; answer; and &quot;no&quot; is a clear rejections.  Many people, after a fun evening, would dread to reject a new partner outright. It might even happen that someone who was not interested in starting physical contact might say &quot;yes&quot; just to avoid rejecting.  On the other hand, with an invitation for tea, saying &quot;Not liking tea,&quot; or &quot;not being thirsty&quot; is far less rejection-y, and more just a statement of opinion that allows both parties a graceful exit.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I don't date anymore, but in 2 decades of dating, many times I was &quot;invited back for a bite to eat&quot; or &quot;for another beer&quot; or &quot;some tea to settle me down&quot;. I attest from personal experience, and from the experience of my friends, that this was indeed the norm. Asking, or being asked, bluntly to go to another person's domicile early in the relationship would, in my personal experience, be a turn off.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 2:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A comment by @William Grobman that adds to my answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would bold the comment that you still need to find out if she's interested in getting physical after getting her upstairs. I agree it can come off as robotic and blunt to just invite her up to have sex and that a slower seduction that allows her to gracefully exit without outright rejecting you is best. &lt;strong&gt;Just make sure you don't try to ask her up for tea and then just take liberties with her now that you're in private. Still be extremely respectful of her bodily autonomy.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd add to this that consent can be withdrawn by any party at any time. While this should be common knowledge and isn't really part of the answer to the question, it's a good idea to restate it anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6067" LastEditorUserId="6067" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T21:02:51.150" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T21:02:51.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17363" CreationDate="2018-08-12T03:52:12.150" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, don't want to be a pain.  I know the original problem was entirely out of your control.  But I still haven't received my [whatever].  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've tried following up with customs and the delivery company, but they say that they can only give answers to you.  Is there any chance that you could follow up and find out why they haven't delivered it or notified me that I need to take additional action to receive it?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was and am super excited about [whatever].  I think that the idea is great and really want to try it.  If they send you any updates, could you let me know?  I'm feeling kind of frustrated, because not only don't I have the product, at this point I don't have any idea why I don't have the product.  Did they return it again?  Lose it in transit?  Anything that you could tell me would be helpful at this point, as they won't tell me anything.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Replace [whatever] with the actual product name.  I'm assuming that your Kickstarter order includes an actual product and not just tangential merchandise like stickers and t-shirts.  If not, you may have to adjust.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used the phrase &quot;super excited&quot;.  If that doesn't match how you actually feel, you should change it.  But you should try to give some kind of compliment at that point, as you are proposing extra work.  You want to express that that extra work will accomplish something.  You may want to explain what about the product makes you desire it so much.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also acknowledges that you are not blaming the other person for the problem.  It points out what you have done from your end and why you need help from the other end.  It expresses how the situation is making you feel while putting the blame on customs and the delivery company.  But it also explains how the other person can help.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-08-12T03:52:12.150" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17543" CreationDate="2018-08-12T07:00:53.653" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I'm sure you are aware, your choices boil down to either tell her &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; the event, or tell her &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; the event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell her before the event&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Among the many drawbacks of this option, is that (despite all the evidence) you might be wrong, and you might seem a little foolish for jumping to conclusions.  Alternately it might seem as if you &lt;em&gt;expected&lt;/em&gt; your girlfriend to throw you a surprise party, and she might feel that she let you down by not having one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This alone makes it the less tenable option.  While you might draw reasonably logical conclusions from the evidence you've seen, you can't really be &lt;em&gt;sure&lt;/em&gt; it's going to happen.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of this, it spoils the fun for your girlfriend and your guests.  They've come expecting to &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt; to surprise you, with the general understanding that you might not be surprised.  If you tell her your suspicions in advance, and she tells others that you figured it out, they'll all likely be disappointed that they weren't able to keep you in the dark.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The benefit of telling her in advance is that you don't have to try to keep up the act until the day of the party, and (depending on who else knows you know) you might not have to &lt;em&gt;act&lt;/em&gt; surprised.   Also, it's &lt;em&gt;possible&lt;/em&gt; that your girlfriend will get upset that you deceived her the whole time, which could upset your relationship ... but this is unlikely, and anyway it would be pretty hypocritical for her to get mad that you deceived her about not being deceived by her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that you are unable to keep up the act -- which may be likely, if you have a poor poker face -- then a variation is to tell your girlfriend in advance of the party, &lt;em&gt;but advise her not to tell anyone else&lt;/em&gt;.  That way you both can work together to make everything appear to go smoothly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tell her afterward&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this option, you get to have your party, and everyone gets to have their fun.  The only drawbacks are the previously mentioned &quot;mask of ignorance&quot;, and that you have to &quot;trick&quot; your girlfriend and your friends.  However you can always respond that you &lt;em&gt;suspected&lt;/em&gt; but you didn't &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt;, and anyway you didn't want to spoil their fun.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, while the party itself may not be a surprise, you might be surprised by &lt;em&gt;who actually shows up&lt;/em&gt;, or by the exact circumstances.  As long as you don't actively look for clues, there should be &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; about the party that turns out to be pleasantly unexpected.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-12T15:22:59.050" LastActivityDate="2018-08-12T15:22:59.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17557" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17222" CreationDate="2018-08-12T17:14:52.617" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;They sound not only manipulative, but they are derogating her too, her mother in particular seems to be the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think she needs a professional help. Psycho-dynamic/psycho-analytically orientated psychotherapy would be of help to clarify her problematic relationships, which drag on since early childhood, I presume. The socio-economical context just make these toxic relationships more pronounced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can interfere only when you are present. It's interesting by the way, what is their attitude towards you. But I'm afraid you can fix only that part if there is anything to be fixed. Because it seems there your girlfriend is unable to look at her mother and their relationships from a more distant view.&#xA;Good luck! Tell us how it goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20876" LastActivityDate="2018-08-12T17:14:52.617" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17558" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17600" CreationDate="2018-08-12T17:59:46.893" Score="10" ViewCount="934" Body="&lt;p&gt;I went through rough phase in my life two decades ago. By God's grace I was able to come out of it. I have had a few friends who were with me in that stage. They were not encouraging or giving me confidence but at least they didn't back out or discourage me. I respect them for that and our friendship has been good all these years. In fact, we were too young then to even talk or discuss about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A decade ago, one of those friends, Alice, went through a rough phase. We were all together and later things settled. Again, we spoke about it only once, when the incident actually occurred and I didn't bring up the topic again, since it would be digging up the dried tears. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A few incidents related to the problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the last two years, whenever we have a conversation, Alice brings up the rough phase I went through and tells me how well I handled it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that she is trying to praise me for that, but I really do not want to talk about it for various reasons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know that there are many others who endure more pain but did not succumb to it. I feel that I am just one of them and I deserve no praise for it, not in every conversation that we have. Also, she has started giving me unsolicited advice about something which she should be least concerned about. I guess she thinks that she is at a stage where she can advise others but she really doesn't know if others really want her advice. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Its been two decades that the incident has occurred and it doesn't make any sense to talk about it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whenever my group of friends meet, my name and my endurance phase always comes up. Talking once is okay, but every time makes no sense to me. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whenever these conversations happen, I do not talk about it. Because, from my end, it doesn't make any sense. But, later I realized that, all of them are, subconsciously doing it only to make me talk about it. So, the moment I talk about it, tell them how much pain I went through etc, they would actually get to listen first hand about everything and this would make them stop having conversation about me, forever.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not ever want to discuss about it with anyone, let alone Alice. So, if someone else is trying to talk about it, I divert the topic or move away from that place, gracefully. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The actual problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice is a good friend of mine and I want to tell her that I am not interested in talking about it, ever. I would like to tell her that everyone goes through such phases and want to insist that she went through one too. If I chose to respect her endurance, she has to choose to respect mine too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, in case I even mention about her rough phase, I am pretty sure she wouldn't want to talk about her's because she would break down then and sob for hours. In fact, for days. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, me telling her directly would be rude but I do not see how I can be polite about it. Is there anyway I can state to her that I am not interested to talk about my past nor is her unsolicited advice welcome, without burning bridges? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18643" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-08-15T08:16:41.027" LastActivityDate="2018-08-15T08:16:41.027" Title="Politely replying to a friend to not have a conversation about past incidents" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17495" CreationDate="2018-08-12T20:10:19.600" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is complicated because the person is both a roommate (expectation of equal division of chores) and the landlady (unbalanced power relationship).  Because she's a roommate, maintaining a good relationship is especially important because you interact all the time.  Asking for $10 or $20 off the rent risks sounding petty for no &lt;em&gt;significant&lt;/em&gt; gain for you; I trust this amount is a very small portion of your rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I would look for something that would normally be your responsibility that you can ask her to do.  That way you're trading chores and nobody has to feel taken advantage of.  There must be household chores that aren't physically taxing for her -- vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been the weaker party in shared housing before (though never lived with the landlord directly), and I've had someone share (and pay rent for) a house I owned.  I found that prioritizing the &quot;roommate&quot; relationship over the &quot;landlord&quot; relationship when dealing with household stuff was easier for the people on both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-08-12T20:10:19.600" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17560" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17235" CreationDate="2018-08-12T20:47:31.907" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have seen people with hearing difficulties -- not even as severe as yours, but difficulties nonetheless -- cup a hand behind an ear (to focus the sound better) when trying to listen to someone in a noisy environment.  This seems to be a near-universal signal for &quot;I'm having trouble hearing you&quot; and does not require that you say something up front.  Instead, you can wait for the situation to arise, cup your hand, and say something like &quot;sorry, I'm having trouble hearing in here -- could you repeat that?&quot;.  If it keeps happening, somebody might suggest moving to a quieter part of the room.  Note: even if cupping your hand that way &lt;em&gt;doesn't help with your particular situation&lt;/em&gt;, I still suggest doing it because it's a visible &quot;having trouble hearing&quot; gesture that people will understand.  When you're ready to have a conversation with them about your hearing, you can get into more details then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, in my experience (from the abled side for hearing and the disabled side for vision), it's usually easier on everybody if you go ahead and mention your disability early on.  I had a coworker who was deaf in one ear, which he told me the first time I sat on the &quot;wrong&quot; side and tried to talk to him.  Most people want to avoid causing difficulties for others but can only do so if they know that there's a problem and &lt;em&gt;what to do to correct it&lt;/em&gt;.  While people with &lt;em&gt;mental&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;cognitive&lt;/em&gt; disabilities are not always received well, in my experience requests to accommodate &lt;em&gt;physical&lt;/em&gt; disabilities are generally received well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-08-12T20:47:31.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17562" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17567" CreationDate="2018-08-13T03:54:59.197" Score="24" ViewCount="8851" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hello Interpersonal Stack Exchange,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About two weeks ago I posted the question &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/17222/how-do-i-help-my-girlfriend-defend-herself-against-manipulative-parents&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;How do I help my girlfriend defend herself against manipulative parents?&amp;quot;&lt;/a&gt;. I recommend reading that one first as it contains some preliminary info that ties into this post.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that it's necessary to start a new question because I did leave out some info on my first post and the situation has also gotten &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;much worse&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: I know it's quite the lengthy post but all the information is necessary and I've tried my best to shorten it down as much as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PPS: It could be said that maybe the internet isn't the best place to look for help in a situation like this, but just know I'm trying other sources of help as well and my hope with this post is for it to spread so we can get as much help as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background - Pt. 2 [Trigger Warning]&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my first post there were a few things that I failed to mention that I am mentioning now since they are of more relevance in this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first being &lt;strong&gt;a history of sexual abuse&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In her lifetime there has been multiple occurrences of sexual abuse/molestation ranging from when she was six to just recently. &lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;There are two main occasions I want to talk about here:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First Occasion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was six or seven at a friends house and there was a period of time where her friend was using the bathroom and the dad tried to rape her. What makes this case difficult is that the man that did this was a well known judge in her home country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second Occasion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A boy in her school has been trying (sometimes successful) to molest her during a class that they shared.  That went on for the last school year and I hope it won't happen again (I don't think they share classes anymore).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;The second being &lt;strong&gt;a history of self-harm&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe this started mostly because of the sexual abuse history and how it affected her but I also believe it's also partly due to the derogatory remarks and additional emotional abuse she receives from her parents.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In the past she has caused harmed herself by &lt;em&gt;burning or cutting herself&lt;/em&gt; but no longer does these things.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The last time she cut herself was on her thighs around 3 months ago. It was another time where her parents were giving her a really hard time. She showed me and we did a lot of talking went on about why she does it and how she can stop and I still try to help her with it.&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When her parents found out about it their reaction was not helpful. Her mom told her she was crazy and asked her if she was planning on cutting her siblings too.  Her dad got extremely upset and asked her if she was also doing drugs while proceeding to seize all of her makeup and rummage through her personal belongings on a mad witch hunt for drugs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Some Context&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Around the second month we were dating, I got into vaping for various stupid reasons. I used to bring it sometimes when I would come over and would use it when we would walk around the lake near her house.&#xA;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;There are a couple points I want to bring up about this:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I was into vaping for about three weeks before I decided that I hated it more than I liked it and eventually planned to sell the vape pen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I used nicotine free e-liquid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She had tried a puff once and didn't like it at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I accidentally left it at her house the last time I used it. She found it, told me, and was going to give it back to me the next weekend when I came over. However we kept forgetting and one week I just told her to get rid of it, but she apparently didn't since she felt bad and knew I was going to sell it. We forgot about it up until this point (it was hidden in one of her bags).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;&lt;br/&gt;The Problem(s)&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So today the plan was for me to come over and hang out with her for a few hours since it's the last day of her summer. Unfortunately, her mom somehow found the vape pen we had forgotten about so long ago and freaked out while proceeding to tell her father and uncle. This situation is &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;very bad&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;, especially with the drug talk from earlier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So basically, we ended up not hanging out and she has been asking me for help and updating me up until now.&#xA;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;br/&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Let me tell you how they've retaliated...&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They've emptied her bank account and &lt;em&gt;transferred all funds to her mother&lt;/em&gt; (as far as I know all future direct deposits will also be taken from her not long after they drop).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They will take all of her personal belongings at the end of tonight and I am not sure when or if she'll get them back. (She might get her phone back)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Her dad told her–today–she had three strikes but that she's already used two of them.  This and apparently the first is from when she cut her leg (his reasoning behind this strike is he thinks she was just wanting attention, which is a pretty f'ed up mindset if you ask me).  If she strikes out again, apparently they will then move somewhere else (in or out of country). Honestly her parents hate it here and will look for any excuse to move out of the country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They told her that no matter what she will have to attend college in her home country. She doesn't want this. She has signed up for multiple scholarship programs and wants to attend college and start her life here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;br/&gt;Best case scenario, her family is staying in the country for two more years. She has told me she doesn't want to leave with them and has told me she would like to move in with me when her family leaves.  She'll be 19 at the time so there shouldn't really be any issues with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do we properly inform her parents that she 1) will not be leaving with them, 2) will not be attending college in her home country, and 3) will be moving in with me when they leave?*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*I have a bad feeling things will not go well when this subject is brought up and am wondering if legal help will be needed since, although she will be 18+, I have a feeling that they will still try to assert their dominance over her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Additional Notes&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me also clarify that her parents know about both instances of sexual abuse and have done almost nothing about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried following community guidelines to my best ability, but I'm sure I could have messed up somewhere.  Feel free to let me know and I'd be happy to fix!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20550" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T18:44:25.497" Title="How do I help my girlfriend get out of this dangerous situation with her parents?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-08-13T17:56:21.753" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17564" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17562" CreationDate="2018-08-13T06:19:09.203" Score="35" Body="&lt;p&gt;From an IPS perspective I don't see any way you could change the way her family treats her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sounds like a clear case for child-welfare / youth protection / whatever it's called in the US. Draining a bank account leaves clear and objective evidence and creates a strong dependence on her parents. Add the sexual abuse and evidence of self-harm and she should get some kind of help there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also has to persue professional psychological help, preferably as an inpatient to get away from her parents. This may sound harsh, but telling a medical professional that you have thoughts of self-harm or suicide hopefully gets things in motion very fast. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a &quot;maybe you'd like to think about getting help&quot; situation, she absolutely needs professional help, and soon! And she needs to break any contact with her family as soon as possible. For that, she needs someone to lean on, so please don't abandon her now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T06:19:09.203" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17566" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17682" CreationDate="2018-08-13T08:50:19.413" Score="5" ViewCount="687" Body="&lt;p&gt;To address duplication concerns, this belongs on IPS rather than workplace stack exchange or finance, as I would like to address the specific issue of &lt;em&gt;recommending budget help&lt;/em&gt;, and handle this as a friend rather than as a colleague, so am looking for an IPS specific answer (although I won't mind if you feel there is something important business wise / finance wise I should know that can help going forward). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Context: I run a consulting company, and am in a very stable financial position. Bob is older, has a &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; well paying job and family. I've had a ~6 year friendly relationship and ~3 year professional relationship with Bob. Both in Australia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over a period of time I have worked with Bob on a few projects, he's always been a nice guy, and in previous projects he's always been above board and whenever he'd invoice I'd always promptly receive the agreed split.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last project I did with Bob we invoiced in two installments. Initially it was agreed that installment A and B would be split 50/50. However, at a later date, Bob requested if he could receive A in full for use in an upcoming (long overdue) family trip. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agreed to this, however, a few months down the line, I had not received payment for installment B either. In terms of monetary amounts, this is not critical and will have no effect on my business (was only ~$1000-3000). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I invoiced Bob for this, then after 30 days received a call from Bob asking for leeway on the invoice due to unforeseen financial circumstances (that were explained, refinancing issues and medical bills). I was happy to offer this indefinite extension, and even if he were to say &quot;I can't pay this&quot; I would simply tack the price onto the next job we do together, and invoicing would go through my company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that Bob is not in the best position financially, it seems that the main problem is not his income (he'd be earning 200K+), so I am sure that if he had budget help his position could improve considerably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to be meeting with Bob soon for a catch up. &lt;strong&gt;I would like to recommend that Bob seeks budget help&lt;/strong&gt;, but there are a few additional factors in the equation (hence why I'm asking here):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm much younger, in my 20's and he's in his late 40's, so I can't use my normal approach of directly relating to experiences in my own life&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would like to maintain a friendship with this person. I believe we have a good relationship, and would feel comfortable discussing other personal topics, but this is one that could potentially be very difficult to navigate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am willing to give the option to waive the debt on the condition he seeks professional budget help (all the business minded people here will be screaming no), but I don't know if this will help the discussion. I have no problem with alternate payment arrangements in terms of time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is possible his wife is the main person in need of budget help, so any approach I take would also have to address the alternative where it is his wife who needs to seek help (which would be another question in itself), so for this question, how do I continue if this is the case?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also happy for answers that say &lt;em&gt;do not do this&lt;/em&gt;, but answers that allow me to achieve an outcome that &lt;strong&gt;improves the overall quality of both our lives&lt;/strong&gt; are favorable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may have been some confusion with my initial post so to clarify a few things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I expect the money will be payed, he has stated he will, it will just be a matter of time. Option 3 above is only relevant if that could help with the discussion of seeking budget help.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't necessarily have to or want to involve the amount outstanding in the conversation, but this was the context of what prompted me to ask this question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would like to bring up him seeking budget help as a friend, because I feel like this could improve the quality of his life, as I have observed over a long period that money is a limiting factor in him pursuing some things&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20888" LastEditorUserId="20888" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T08:05:13.643" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T10:19:32.653" Title="Politely recommend budget help to a friend who owes me money?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17562" CreationDate="2018-08-13T08:58:33.883" Score="68" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do we properly inform her parents that she 1) will not be leaving with them, 2) will not be attending college in her home country, and 3) will be moving in with me when they leave?*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You do not&lt;/strong&gt;. You're dealing with abusive people with full power over her. Do not do this until you are absolutely sure they cannot force her to do anything she doesn't want, like taking her back to her country of birth. No interpersonal skills can help you at this point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to deal with these people is a danger to your girlfriend. The only interpersonal skill you can use here is: know when to use interpersonal skills and when not to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your first step is to get her to safety. Remove their power over her. Start with calling &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.childwelfare.gov/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Child Welfare&lt;/a&gt; at 1.800.422.4453. They can offer you advice on how to deal with the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T08:58:33.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17568" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17569" CreationDate="2018-08-13T09:05:11.983" Score="10" ViewCount="1919" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a very friend who I was close with that I knew for a long time. My family even knew him from birthday parties and we had gone on trips together etc. My friend recently involved me in a scam and basically stole several hundreds of dollars (more details in my other questions). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it is now I have blocked off all communication with my ex-friend. My family (including my grandmother) keeps asking about him. I've told them parts of what happened and they are surprised I haven't forgiven him yet. I was at a family dinner and one of them who already knew about the falling out asked how he's doing and I said I don't want to talk about it and they replied &quot;I didn't know it was still a sore spot&quot; and after hearing this my other family members became even more interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I can't just forgive and forget about someone who has stolen hundreds of dollars from me. Also the dropping communication is partly from my ex-friends end too, when I was trying to resolve it I tried to meet with him but he did things like send other people in his place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I tell my family? The scam was highly technical in nature and most of my family aren't tech savvy. My friend was engaged and my family keeps asking if he's gotten married yet etc. My family worries a lot and I don't want to stress them out by telling them I am out hundreds of dollars. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20723" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T09:13:39.730" Title="What to tell family who ask about a friend I had a falling out with?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-08-13T14:00:19.770" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17569" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17568" CreationDate="2018-08-13T09:34:38.327" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to firstly decide how much you want your family to know about the situation. Personally, I'd advise you tell them everything. Because at the moment they appear to still like and &lt;em&gt;trust&lt;/em&gt; this person who scammed you out of hundreds of dollars, so right now the door is open for him to scam your family too. That is how confidence tricksters work - by relying on other's misplaced confidence in them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you tell your family the depth of his deception then they might well change their opinion. But at the moment you say they expect you to &quot;forgive&quot;. There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving is a &quot;letting go&quot; of the bad feeling, and actually that is helpful to you. Negativity is not good for your health. So maybe your family are just trying to get you to move forward with your life. They might not be suggesting you resume your friendship, and if they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; then that might change once you discuss the details with them properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Loss of trust in someone, or loss of friendship is really more a &lt;em&gt;consequence&lt;/em&gt; of someone's actions and is not dependent on whether or not you &quot;forgive&quot; them. For example, if a friend borrowed your car and accidentally scratched it you might well &lt;em&gt;forgive&lt;/em&gt; them completely, but as a &lt;em&gt;consequence&lt;/em&gt; you might not loan them your car in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What your friend did to you was &lt;em&gt;deliberate&lt;/em&gt; and he has shown no remorse, which really indicates he can't be trusted. Unless he were to completely turn around and demonstrate he is sorry to you, including paying back what he took, it is highly unlikely that anybody would expect you to go back to the way things were with this friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T09:57:41.557" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T09:57:41.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17573" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-13T12:27:12.227" Score="13" ViewCount="2143" Body="&lt;p&gt;Because of my work, I often bring my laptop with me to show stuff to other people. The problem is that a lot of people end up touching my screen to point to things on it. One developer I worked with would always touch my screen with his finger. From the beginning I told him as nicely as I could not to touch the screen as it left fingerprints, but old habits die hard and he would do it again. I told him again but he looked at me like I was a monster. Since then, many other people (not just coworkers but friends or anyone I show anything to on my laptop) have put their fingers on my screen. Sometimes I tell them after they've touched it, but the damage has already been done and they've added their fingerpints on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally, I would like to find a way to stop people from touching my screen before they've touched it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user3178" LastEditorDisplayName="user3178" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T12:38:29.330" LastActivityDate="2020-08-02T10:13:14.537" Title="How can I prevent people from touching my laptop screen with their finger?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17574" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17579" CreationDate="2018-08-13T12:52:55.067" Score="16" ViewCount="3312" Body="&lt;p&gt;tl;dr Bruce believes that the world is, at its core, a very nice, nonjudgmental place where people get along and don't criticize, and when this belief is contradicted he either refuses the evidence or withdraws into himself. I'm worried for his future at music school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend. Let's call him Bruce. We are both college age (19-21). I have known him for years, and he is one of my best friends. He and I get along very well in almost every way, and we each have a great trust in each other. There is just one issue that crops up occasionally: he believes that any treatment that goes against how he believes he should be treated is unfair to him. This would not be a problem if he did not have naïve expectations for how he believes everyone should treat each other. I don't mean 'talk it out' expectations, I mean 'why would anyone ever say an insulting word to another?' expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These expectations are not always a problem. His girlfriend is very similar to him, and, while it does produce a pseudo echo chamber effect, it also makes them both incredibly happy, and it has improved both of their dispositions, in the short and long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever anyone doesn't conform to his expectations, he immediately assumes the form of someone that has been mistreated. He sulks, he whines, and he loses all his personality for a few hours. He believes that everyone is putting on an act when they don't like someone else, and that if everyone was just honest with each other, then all these problems would go away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know for a fact that he feels this way: his two shoulders to cry on are his girlfriend when he can, and, when she's away, me. She lives an hour's drive away, so a lot of the time I am more convenient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example that encapsulates this attitude is an interaction we had in a class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Me standing up debating with the class on how safe our area is compared to others&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*I sit down&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*Bruce, who stayed out of the debate, leans over&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Br: This school's not that safe, you know&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: What are you talking about? *provides statistics&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Br: Everyone here is really judgmental, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Aren't you going into music? They're even more judgmental there: it's all about how you play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Br: No, it's different there!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: You've talked to people that went there. Do you really believe &lt;em&gt;insert local harsh music teacher here&lt;/em&gt; was an outlier?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Br: Yeah, I've met some of the professors!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: On a recruiting trip?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Br: Yeah, so?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was often shielded from criticism in his household, as his mother was focused on him growing up happy and enjoying his youth, at the expense of things like constructive criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes me very worried for his future. He is going into music, and while he certainly has the skills to be successful, he intends to go to a very prestigious music school, and it is likely (if his audition is on or above his average) he will get in. There, it is likely he will meet the real world, including instructors that take a very hard line stance, and a tough love approach. I want to somehow introduce him to even a small sampling of what he will receive, or convince him that everyone there isn't nice and get along, as he believes that this &lt;em&gt;incredibly competitive&lt;/em&gt; music school is all sunshine and rainbows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, &lt;strong&gt;how do I convince him that some people just don't get along, and that he will receive criticism he will just have to take?&lt;/strong&gt; I've tried many things, including engaging him on the subject while he's sullen (he refuses to believe me), while he's happy (he brushes it off), by injecting a small amount of criticism into our conversations (he looks at me expectantly until I praise him, and when I don't, he is thrown off balance), and trying to talk to his girlfriend about it (she thinks he will be able to handle it and refuses to talk to him about it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt; This is different from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/17169/how-to-deal-with-someone-who-always-feels-treated-disrespectfully&quot; title=&quot;this question&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; as mine does not involve abuse, just naïveté.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8603" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T19:17:10.450" Title="How to help my friend accept criticism?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17568" CreationDate="2018-08-13T13:10:46.633" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general the simple truth should do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He is a con artist who scammed me out of several hundred dollars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a German saying &quot;Friendship stops at money&quot;: it doesn't matter if it's 2 bucks or 2000, as soon as they trick you out of money, they're not a friend anymore. I'm not sure if this is culture dependent, but in my culture, if I say that someone scammed me, nobody would expect me to be friends with them anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That &lt;em&gt;seems&lt;/em&gt; to be the main point of your question. There are several directions to go from there, but that comes down to what you want to achieve. If you want to avoid overloading your family with technical explanations,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I did some work for him and he didn't pay like we agreed&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is enough. Or, if people are interested in all that juicy drama and you don't want to talk about it, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm quite upset about it and don't want to discuss it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will be respected by people who respect you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in the end it comes down to what you want to achieve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would inform anybody who A) knows him and B) I care about, in order to protect them from also being scammed. That's a personal decision though, not something you should just emulate from a stranger on the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Seems I overread your very last sub clause &quot;[...] &lt;em&gt;and I don't want to stress them out by telling them I am out hundreds of dollars&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. In that case, you might go with less information, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He betrayed my trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's all I can say so far, the rest then comes down to your context: How stressed out would you family be, would you want to white lie to them &quot;to protect them&quot;, how important is keeping an open relationship with your family etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6877" LastEditorUserId="6877" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T09:13:39.730" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T09:13:39.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17573" CreationDate="2018-08-13T13:13:16.843" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes I tell them after they've touched it, but the damage has already been done&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok you know what comes now, tell them &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; they look at the screen. Like &quot;here let's look at that on my laptop but please don't touch it as I have to clean it too often&quot;. That is a reasonable reason and telling before doesn't leave them feeling guilty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Annoying things burn into mind more than varying things. If they touch again, say the same phrase again. To make it even more annoying you could take out some towel/handkerchief and clean the screen before you continue. Say &quot;It's better to remove it when fresh&quot; if you like.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Of course you shouldn't make yourself too creepy doing so ;-) They should know it's not you to annoy the situation but them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Practical help: Give them something else to point that doesn't scratch the screen. Or connect a mouse and tell them to use the mouse to point, put the screen a little farther away from them. This might avoid the finger going on it's way at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T16:13:57.767" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T16:13:57.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17577" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-13T13:24:31.580" Score="7" ViewCount="527" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently playing in a band of beginners with varying degrees of skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It all started because my friend and I (the two guitarists) are enrolled in a music school that closes for the summer, and we wanted to practice together.&#xA;A few friends wanted to join and now we have a typical rock band formation (2 guitars, 1 bass, 1 drummer and a singer).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our drummer is the only exception: he's a semi-professional musician on a temporary hiatus, and he's playing with us just for the exercise. He can ace anything we can play, so he doesn't care too much about the songs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have been voting for the songs to include in the list. However I feel that the bass player and the singer have been often pushing for songs that are not appropriate for our formation, skill level and general intent. They often push for songs that require lots of synth or keyboard sounds, or songs that are very much pop with little didactic value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other guitar player is an absolute beginner and is not really able to judge the didactic value of a piece, and the drummer (as explained above) is usually neutral because everything we do is easy to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already tried to explain that pop songs are not good for us, as we are supposed to be studying hard rock or blues pieces, but my bass player and singer are convinced that we can just write our own arrangements (which is not a good solution in my opinion).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I approach them about choosing different songs that better fit our intent, without hurting their feelings towards their own suggestions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20895" LastEditorUserId="20895" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T13:34:53.613" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T10:12:01.113" Title="How to convince my band members to play different songs?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17578" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17484" CreationDate="2018-08-13T14:52:43.350" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer: I'm not on the spectrum. I'm about as average as one can be, and I don't know if any of the advice below is even feasible for you, if you're capable of doing what I'm going to say.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've worked with several people on the autism spectrum over the years. These people did have meltdowns, although they were different from what you describe. Jane had the habit of locking herself in the toilet and pulling out her hair (trying to talk to her made it worse), &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/3385/1599&quot;&gt;Alice&lt;/a&gt; was prone to fits of shouting, swearing and throwing stuff (mainly buckets of dirty water) when things weren't going her way/she got overstimulated. Neither of them was very able to distinguish sarcasm, irony, or to recognize a joke, even when they were having a good day. A third co-worker at the same workplace sometimes just disappeared when there were too many people in the shop. I'm assuming they had some kind of meltdown too, just not in sight of others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe is high-functioning and not as prone to meltdowns, but when he has them, it usually results in shouting a lot, being incapable of being reasoned with and being very, very literal. If you told him a sentence, he'd only pick up what met their way of thinking at that moment, he'd just not hear words/nuances and completely misinterpret what was said, in a way that it fit a stance of: 'I'm angry about this now, and you've just confirmed I should be'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'm going to suggest here, is coming from how these co-workers explained their meltdowns to me, how they handled the fall-out of their meltdowns. I know no two people with autism are the same, their meltdowns might have been far milder or worse than yours, my personal preferences might not work for other people and there may even be a cultural difference because I was raised with a 'they can't help themselves, so you deal with it instead' attitude. Still, I hope this might help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First off, friends&lt;/strong&gt;. I don't know what your standards are for calling people friends, but to me, it usually implies that this is a person I can trust, that I would not be afraid of sharing information with, it implies already having a relationship in which &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/12159/1599&quot;&gt;self-disclosure&lt;/a&gt; is common. If you have any friends that don't know about your autism and meltdowns, I'd find a way to tell them sooner rather than later and let them know. Prepare them for what might happen, and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6427/1599&quot;&gt;offer a solution/tell them what they can do when a meltdown happens&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I became friends with Jane before I knew she was on the spectrum and I saw her having a meltdown for the first time. After a while, Jane first just told me she had autism, later added that she sometimes had meltdowns where she locked herself in the toilet and told me to never try and talk to her while she was in there, she locked herself up mainly to have a quiet place where there were fewer stimuli (light, sounds). She couldn't really offer any solution, except for me to give it time and wait it out, and I could be quiet when walking past the toilet. I've 'seen' Jane have a few meltdowns, I've cleaned up the hairs after her a few times. In each case, it was sufficient for her to say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry, I'm okay now, let's get back to work/partying'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I knew what might happen and was able to easily recognize the meltdown when she had it, there has never really been any fall-out or ruining of our friendship because of a meltdown. We're still friends, and because I know her and her meltdowns, I also know they will pass and that she'll be a nice person to interact with once she's back to normal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, by educating people beforehand of what might happen, you'll have a lot less explaining to do afterwards. If you're dealing with friends, explaining about your autism and meltdowns, especially before they have ever seen them happening, should lead to a lot less fall-out. I know the world isn't perfect, and depending on who you call your friends, you might lose them if you disclose about your autism and meltdowns, so please use your own judgment in this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclosing your autism to your friends might also lead to you encountering what's called a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_stigma&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;social stigma&lt;/a&gt; and if you feel someone might be very prone to stigmatizing you, disclosing your autism might never be an option if you want to keep that friend. In my opinion, disclosing after a meltdown may then still be worse than before, because now they have seen the kind of behaviour that leads them to stigmatize you in full force instead of having just a description of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For acquaintances and strangers&lt;/strong&gt; this is a lot harder. These are usually the people that you know by name and see when doing the groceries every Friday, or don't even know at all. Self-disclosure in such a relationship isn't going to work. I would first of all advice you to only invest your time and effort into strangers or acquaintances you'd like to interact with more often. It can take a lot of time and energy, and it's up to you to decide if this person is worth that. Once people see you have a melt-down, even when you try to explain it afterwards, you're likely to encounter the social stigma attached to autism or disbelief: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes parents attempted to defuse the situation by explaining the nature of their child's disability to the person who made the comment. Often this was successful and the other person was mollified, and, sometimes, even apologetic. Other times, however, an explanation made no difference. &lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/1467-9566.00316&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;source&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very strange, being on the other side of a meltdown if you have no idea the person is having one. One moment Alice seems perfectly fine, the next I'm standing there with wet and dirty hair/clothes because she threw the bucket of water and the cleaning rag at my head, because 'I talk too much'. Or you're discussing your code with Joe when all of a sudden he explodes in a fit of rage against another co-worker because of something completely unrelated but it has been bothering him and he wants it out of their system NOW and it started because you mentioned the word 'test'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know people have autism, and they suddenly have meltdowns, prepare to be shocked. Especially when their meltdowns are so very different from the meltdowns you're 'used to' (in this case, quietly locking yourself up in a toilet, trying to avoid light/sounds) that you don't even initially recognize them as such. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide you want to put in the time and effort to manage the fall-out and keep the social relationship intact, your best bet is to apologize, explain, and show you're not always like what they just experienced. My co-workers (both were what I would call acquaintances at the time) explained their autism and meltdowns to me after having had a meltdown in front of me, and despite everything, I'm still in contact with Alice and I still love working with Joe. Their explanations included more than just a 'Sorry, can't help myself, it's autism' though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep the explaining and apologizing separate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Here is an example of using excuses in an apology: &quot;I'm sorry that I snapped at you when you came into my office yesterday. I had a lot on my plate, and my boss demanded my project report an hour earlier than planned.&quot; In this case, you excuse your behavior because of stress, and you imply that the other person was at fault because he bothered you on a busy day. This makes you look weak. A better approach is to say, &quot;I'm sorry I snapped at you yesterday.&quot; This is short and heartfelt, and it offers no excuses for your behavior. &lt;sub&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/how-to-apologize.htm&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;source&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, neither co-worker 'explained' their autism in their apology. The first sentences they spoke to me, after having their meltdown, was more like the second example in that quote: &quot;I'm sorry about yesterday&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the explaining, this is what is very likely to make people suspicious and what can do the most harm. &lt;strong&gt;I've personally found that I find it a lot easier to accept the explanation, when it's offered as a 'warning' that this might happen again, than as an 'excuse' for what has already happened.&lt;/strong&gt; So, only explain after the apology (this doesn't even need to be during the same conversation), and explain in terms of what might happen, like I described Jane doing above in the section on dealing with friends. Phrase it as a 'warning' for the future, explain what people can expect and how they can recognize a meltdown, and if there's anything they can do that's helpful (even if that means not doing certain things) tell them that too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Acts speak louder than words. Joe and Alice apologized, then left it at that for a while. A big part of apologizing is showing you have moved on. They didn't bring up their meltdown at every corner, instead, they apologized and we all went on with our lives. That's why I mentioned not doing the explaining in the same conversation as the apologizing above as well: An explanation to me works a lot better if I have already seen behaviour that confirms this is an incident, not regular behaviour. &lt;strong&gt;Of course, that doesn't work if you're having meltdowns often, but the people I met didn't have them that often&lt;/strong&gt;, so they could risk not directly explaining and sounding like they're making excuses. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another method that might work for you when dealing with strangers and acquaintances, is having another person that knows you well do the explaining. When I went to Paris on a school trip, I was put in a guest family with a girl from another class/year, that was basically a stranger to me. She had some kind of disability (I forgot which one), and was showing some pretty erratic (to me) behaviour: I had to do all the translating because she somehow had some mental block preventing her from speaking French to our hosts (which I at some point just started to refuse), and meticulously keeping a travel diary to the point where she'd wake up at night, turn on all the lights and had to write down that she'd also had a croissant for lunch because she forgot to mention it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I later had a teacher explaining her disability to me (on her request) when I snapped and told her that turning on the lights at 3 a.m. was stupid, that writing down that you ate a croissant could wait till morning, she should go back to sleep, and I turned off the lights again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having a teacher, someone that knows you and the other person well, explain to you that someone has a serious reason for behaving the way they do works well, because then you have a (hopefully) impartial looking party doing the explaining, which will take away some of the 'that's just excuses for shitty behavior' attitude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure your chosen narrator knows what they're doing though: They should be able to explain in pretty impartial terms and not sound like they're making excuses for you or defending your behavior. Instead, they should be capable of conveying a sense of mutual respect and impartiality when explaining, recognizing the fallout and hurt of the other party as well as represent your difficulties and being capable of explaining them to the extent that the other person knows what they can do next. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T14:52:43.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17574" CreationDate="2018-08-13T14:53:04.613" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you may be worrying about someone who doesn't need worrying about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bruce and his girlfriend may have a different outlook on life to you. Arguably theirs is a more &lt;em&gt;positive&lt;/em&gt; outlook. I can see you aren't trying to bring them down or make them more negative, and your intentions might be well-meaning, but the one piece of information you give about their attitude which I believe is the most important is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;...it has improved both of their dispositions, in the short and long run.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So their &quot;naivety&quot; as you see it might cause them to be disappointed in others from time to time, but apparently this has been put to the test and proved to make them happy in both the short &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; long term. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Why do you want to change this??&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I convince him that some people just don't get along, and that he will receive criticism he will just have to take?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe the answer is that you don't? You think he lives in some kind of la-la land where he believes everybody is nice all of the time, &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; you've already shown that he deals with each negative encounter in isolation as and when these occur. If he had more negative experiences than he did positive ones he would come to his own conclusion that people are overwhelmingly mean, or unfair, or whatever - but clearly that &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; his experience. Maybe he is right to assume the best of people, and that &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; people are nice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're trying to give him a &quot;dose of reality&quot; to try and safeguard him from disappointment, because clearly when he &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; encounter unfairness he takes it worse than most people. And on this point I agree with you, he might need some help here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Your&lt;/em&gt; experience in life may have made you &lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt; people to be mean and unfair - but that doesn't mean that most of them always are, right? You just expect it, so when it happens you aren't as disappointed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to &lt;strong&gt;unfair criticism&lt;/strong&gt; or general unfairness, rather than try and convince Bruce that people are &lt;em&gt;mostly&lt;/em&gt; awful, just allow him his positive outlook, but try and help deal with disappointment better. The thing to get across to him is that each individual is in control of their own actions and not anybody else's. He must learn to accept that other people may be mean, but not let it affect him or his own actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as you say, if he wants to get through music school he also needs to take on &lt;em&gt;constructive criticism&lt;/em&gt;, otherwise he won't succeed or improve. Again though, you may be worrying unnecessarily. College is a natural progression of his education. Most students would have already passed some kind of exams at high school level and experienced some form of constructive criticism before they go to college. In comments you have told me that specifically in the case of your friend, he has had very little criticism and not really grown from it. That is unfortunate. But the bottom line is that if someone really has never learned to take and kind of constructive criticism, how can you possibly hope to constructively criticise that aspect of his personality? You probably can't, and any effort to get through to him might harm your friendship. It might be better all round if he learns the hard way that he needs criticism to improve. Just be there for your friend when he finds the criticism difficult and then you have an opportunity to tell him straight that it is for his benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-08-15T12:26:28.877" LastActivityDate="2018-08-15T12:26:28.877" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17577" CreationDate="2018-08-13T15:01:30.157" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Playing in a band always comes in hand with making compromises. From personal experiences i can tell that you have to find a style of playing every member from your band can enjoy. Otherwise the ones which personal preferences will not be minded will loose fun and quit the whole thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The great thing about music is, that you are able to combine everything and make up something new. Why not having a pop-song and make it more interesting with some bluesy licks? Or give a bluesprogression a pop-touch with some catchy melodies?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another solution to your problem would be just to jam together instead of playing a song. By doing so, everyone can add the style of playing he likes. This also makes you a 'better' musican, because you will learn to play &lt;strong&gt;together&lt;/strong&gt; with your friends. You will have to &lt;strong&gt;listen to the other players&lt;/strong&gt; and response to them instead of just playing how a song is written. &#xA;The only catch is, its very hard to jam as a singer. But you can try to choose a chordprogression from a song the singer knows to jam on, so he can sing the lyrics. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They often push for songs that require lots of synth or keyboard&#xA;  sounds, or songs that are very much pop with little didactic value.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to mention the different levels of skill. You always have to fit to the wakest part of your band. Overtaxing a not so skilled player will lead them to loose fun of playing. Let them play some easy / basic things. You can come up with something more advanced on top of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;pop songs are not good for us, as we are supposed to be studying hard&#xA;  rock or blues pieces&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do you think so? Maybe it is just because &lt;strong&gt;you want&lt;/strong&gt; to play that style or dislike pop? Most popsongs might just have a simple chord-progression, but its up to you to play it in an interesting and challenging style. You dont have to just strumm the chords from the progression. You can spice every still so easy song up and make it challenging to play. You can reinterpret any song in any style/genre or grade of complexity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I approach them about choosing different songs that better fit our intent, without hurting their feelings towards their own suggestions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell them you want to play more in the style of blues or hardrock. But you have to make clear, that it is &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; intent. If you are looking for different things, you can try to search for songs in between your genres which everyone is okay with. Try out the two solutions i wrote above. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also try to inspire the other bandmembers for the type of music you want to play. Listen to some music together. Try to find out, what the other mates like / want to play and what they dislike. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to see things from their perspective. Let them inspire you with the music they want to play. Be open mindend for other things, maybe they will come up with a popsong you really like and want to play...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20897" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T15:01:30.157" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17581" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17222" CreationDate="2018-08-13T15:18:24.077" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having dealt with a similar experience for the past year, I'm going to try to build on EFrankl's answer.&#xA;I want to forewarn you that you have good intentions, and I understand the feeling that you care for this person and will give them undying support, but you will likely not fix this person. &#xA;She is going through serious emotional trauma and that can build up and cause her to behave in ways that aren't immediately apparent to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&#xA;I had dated a person that I had loved and cared about for the better part of this past year. She had grown up in an abusive household not too different from the one yours currently inhabits. She immigrated to the states with her father, who has taken care of her and raised her outside of that abuse.&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;However&lt;/strong&gt;, despite my best intentions, I wound up being strung along in a one-sided relationship. I gave her all of the love and support that she could have possibly needed, and I wound up being used by someone who was so used to surviving and so unable to let me into her life that she couldn't let me get close to her. So I wound up funneling time into trying to save this person, who I loved so much, when I never got a reciprocation of care and suppport on her end. This became very emotionally draining on my end, and I tore myself apart trying to help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, we are not psychotherapists. We are not professionals. You care very much for your girlfriend, but she needs the authorities to intervene and will &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; professional help. As EFrankl put it, &quot;I am also constantly reassuring her and reminding her that she is intelligent, talented, and beautiful and that she is her own person...&quot; will be a constant part of your relationship. And you might not get out what you put into this either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sending this as a warning. Tread lightly and do not try to intervene yourself. Abusive family members have more control, and you directly intervening may cause more harm than good. And be wary of your relationship, you will likely not be able to fix her, but you can provide support when she needs it. Be wary of your own health as well, as this could take a heavy toll on you as well (personal experience). Came here from your continued thread. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend going to the proper authorities and, though you won't understand now, I'll quote what my former girlfriend's father said to me when we were alone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know what this will become, but I hope it turns out well. I hope that this evolves into a relationship. But you need to be careful; she has been hurt badly. This is not something you can fix, so be careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't understand what that truly meant until now. I'm not upset with her, I just couldn't do anymore. Take my advice and tread lightly. I hope all of this works out and your girlfriend finds the help she needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20898" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T15:18:24.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17562" CreationDate="2018-08-13T15:35:52.557" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your GF needs legal advice even if she doesn't think she can beat her parents in court. At minimum she needs to know how her visa works and what her options actually are in this situation. A commonly accepted wisdom in decision making is that you can only make the best decision if it's in your list of options to consider in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lawyer up, it's time. Ask every firm or lawyer you contact if they can help you for free since you can't pay. It might take a bit, but you'd be shocked at what you find. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as IPS is concerned, your GF seems to have a problem enforcing her boundaries with her parents. The first step to correcting that is to get her ability to collect money back. The second would be to get her other money back as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13972" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T18:44:25.497" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T18:44:25.497" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17573" CreationDate="2018-08-13T16:46:13.393" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a touch-screen age, unfortunately you're fighting against a &lt;em&gt;natural&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;expected&lt;/em&gt; behavior.  On a display, people expect to be able to point at, activate, and swipe around things with their finger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can, of course, tell them in advance, &quot;Please don't touch my screen,&quot; but this might come across as slightly &lt;em&gt;neurotic&lt;/em&gt; behavior, since they may have had no intention of touching your screen.  Also (as you have discovered with the developer) they might forget and do it by habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To counter this, be ready by bringing two objects to every meeting:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A piece of paper (any paper)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A pointing device (like a pen)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have the paper in one hand.  If you see someone about to touch your screen, quickly hold up the paper between their finger and the screen, and say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't touch the screen, as it leaves marks.  Use &lt;em&gt;this&lt;/em&gt; (handing them the pointer) instead&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then move the paper away.  Repeat as as necessary.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This creates what the Neuro-Linguistic Programming people call a &lt;a href=&quot;https://chopra.com/articles/deconditioning-how-to-create-pattern-interrupts-and-learn-new-behaviors&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;pattern interrupt&lt;/em&gt;,&lt;/a&gt; basically just a mental trick used to break habitual behaviors by inserting something unexpected into a familiar process.  The next time your developer reaches toward your screen he might remember the piece of paper in the way, and stop himself before you need to do anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also has the benefit of being non-invasive, in that you don't have to physically touch him or restrain him in any way.  You just put up a barrier -- a boundary around &lt;em&gt;your stuff&lt;/em&gt; -- so that, even if he touches the screen through the paper, at least it won't leave a mark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Final note:  Make sure you get your pointer back, or (better yet) use something you don't mind giving away, something cheap and disposable like a coffee stirrer or a popsicle stick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-15T16:42:31.963" LastActivityDate="2018-08-15T16:42:31.963" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17584" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-13T17:16:23.910" Score="1" ViewCount="353" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have very hectic schedule. I do not get time to read new subjects. I am working as teaching assistant for a subject which is very new to me. Material to teach arrives my email from mentor, just on the night before my presentation day and I prepare in hurry manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Students in the class are very active and asks questions which obviously I cannot answer. I feel ashamed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell students that I am new to that subject and not to ask questions in acceptable manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20344" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T19:12:42.407" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T19:12:42.407" Title="How to tell students to not ask questions" Tags="&lt;students&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-08-13T20:31:02.523" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17585" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17584" CreationDate="2018-08-13T17:40:11.050" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to tell students that I am new to that subject&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This part is simple: &quot;I'm sorry, but I am new to this subject. I may not be able to answer all your questions&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;and not to ask doubts in acceptable manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, on the other hand, is something you should not do. If you cannot teach your students what they ask because your seniors have put you in a difficult position, at least teach them how to find out for themselves, or turn it into a learning activity that you pursue together. Teaching them how to learn effectively is is as important a part of your job as imparting facts. You need to move past the idea that not being able to answer a question is somehow shameful, because it isn't, and you certainly don't want to teach your students that there is anything wrong in asking questions in good faith.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13984" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T17:40:11.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17586" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-13T17:47:37.067" Score="18" ViewCount="1234" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a really introverted person and conversations can quickly feel quite exhausting and mentally draining for me. Of course I like to have a social life and enjoy it to have nice chitchats with friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc. - to a certain extent. But there are some extremely talkative extroverts who would often push me to my limits. They are still really nice people and I enjoy talking with them in general and would like to remain in a good relationship with them, but I always start feeling exhausted as the conversation is going on for a while. Especially in noisy environments where it's hard to acoustically understand each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a situation like that, I don't just want to say something like &quot;let's stop talking for now, I'm getting tired&quot; since this would most likely be taken personally. But I'd like to let them know in a polite way, that I sometimes need a break but would like to continue the conversation later.&#xA;Most extroverts don't understand that feeling and either feel personally attacked/unwelcome or can't take the issue seriously and say stuff like &quot;come on, it's not that bad, you have to get used to that&quot;. (These are my common experiences).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I approach this issue politely without hurting feelings and harming my relationships?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to have a way to hint/give signals when I start getting tired and need a break from the conversation, that they would understand and not feel bad about. But I can't think of a sensitive way to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Please also consider situations where I'm not able to walk away to have a break or end the conversation. For example: at my workplace where my colleagues are always around in the small office room.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20902" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-13T21:33:10.583" LastActivityDate="2019-11-24T05:15:18.670" Title="How can I (an introvert) convey to extroverts that I need time to rest/recover after talking?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;extrovert&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17586" CreationDate="2018-08-13T18:42:35.350" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;My background: I am married to a very introverted person, and I have had to explain his disappearing act when he needs to go recharge. I understand the reluctance of explaining what you're doing and why you need to recharge/rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach this issue politely without hurting feelings and harming my relationships?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to have a way to hint them/ give signals when I start getting tired and need a break from the conversation, that they would understand and don't feel bad about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you interact with these people on a daily basis:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let them know early on that you are an introvert and need time to &amp;quot;recharge&amp;quot; occasionally, and do not mean any insult to them when you leave the conversation. It helps here when you know them, they will be familiar with you leaving to recharge, and think nothing of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When with friends, tell someone that you need to recharge/rest, and if anyone asks for you while you do whatever you need to recover, that friend can &amp;quot;cover&amp;quot; for you, and simply say &amp;quot;cinnamon has gone to recharge, they'll be back sometime, be patient please.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you feel the need to recharge, let them know using &amp;quot;I/me&amp;quot; statements to avoid putting blame on the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to take a few moments to recharge, I would love to continue this conversation later, is that okay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you do not interact with these people on a daily basis (acquaintances):&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Same thing applies here- Let them know early on that you are an introvert and need time to &amp;quot;recharge&amp;quot; occasionally, and do not mean any insult to them when you leave the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This step may be harder when you're not around friends, but it shouldn't stop you. If there is one person around you that you feel comfortable with, maybe not necessarily a friend but a trustworthy person- you can tell them if anyone asks for you that you have gone to recharge and you'll be back sometime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you get tired, find a good time in the conversation to say that you need a break, and you need to recharge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to take a few moments to recharge/rest, I would love to continue this conversation later, if that's okay with you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe then you can exchange phone/text numbers if you want to continue at a later time if the person is not available later in person.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The overall goal here is to have you clearly and succinctly state that it is YOU, not THEM that needs a break, and if they have a problem with that, it is not your responsibility to entertain them or keep talking with them. The best way is to &lt;em&gt;not make excuses&lt;/em&gt;, and just state what you need and express desire to continue the conversation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expressing the desire to continue the conversation at a later time politely informs them that you are not trying to get away from them because they are talking, but that you are tired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need a few moments to recharge/rest. May we continue this conversation later/at a better time over a meal, next day, over text, in a game, etc...&#xA;There are so many possible modes and locations of communication!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;One of your concerns:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most extroverts don't understand that feeling and either feel personally attacked/unwelcome or can't take the issue seriously and say stuff like &amp;quot;come on, it's not that bad, you have to get used to that&amp;quot;. (These are my common experiences).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Repeat what you need to say to tell them you need time to rest, and that they can continue the conversation later at a better time. If they keep insisting, maybe go to a trusted person or a friend to let them know that this person won't let you go rest/recharge/recover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-13T18:51:16.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17590" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-13T22:29:39.853" Score="2" ViewCount="391" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not sure how to approach this question so please bear with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every member of my family, including me, has a problem with my father's behaviour. I am trying to find a way to solve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply put, my father comes home after work and immediately reaches for the beer. He drinks 5-6 cans a night. He gets drunk, not a massive amount, but enough that his behaviour changes. In fact, I think he enters this behavioural mode automatically before he even starts drinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is this behaviour? Well, he interrupts and critises people on &lt;em&gt;everthing&lt;/em&gt; they say or do. I mean &lt;em&gt;everything.&lt;/em&gt; He mostly does it to my mother - he undermines everything she says and it is affect me since I can't even have a conversation with her without him saying something about every single thing she has to say. It gets to the point where my blood boils but no matter how much I or my mother tell him to stop being irritating he doesn't seem to acknowledge it. I can't stress enough how demoralising it is to have someone put down everything you say constantly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we confront him about it, which is usually when he is in this state (i.e.: after he's had a few beers) he becomes &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; defensive. He turns every genuine argument we have into a joke, behaves like a child and eventually gets angry and starts spouting some incomprehensible or illogical sentences in an attempt to change the topic. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Dad, your behaviour is annoying. We've told you numerous times to&#xA;stop yet you continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dad:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh it's just a joke, what's life without jokes. &lt;em&gt;(immediately&#xA;deflects)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; I am being serious here, you do this all the time, it is&#xA;irritating, offensive and you cannot treat me or mother like this. We&#xA;can't say a single world without your needless comments interrupting&#xA;us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dad:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh so I'm not allowed to have an opinion? I am not allowed to say anything? &lt;em&gt;(tries to imply he is a victim)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is how it starts... He fails to acknowledge what he does to us. He starts acting very childish, almost as if he's giddy. Anything we say, no matter how logical and earnest, he dismisses with a deflection or some twisted logic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Approach&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easy to see it's near impossible arguing with him or trying to change his view &lt;em&gt;while he is in this state.&lt;/em&gt; I have spoken with him about his drinking problem but he fails to see it as a problem. For him it's just a way to unwind after work and he fails to notice his change in behaviour. He refuses to even contemplate the idea that these beers might be getting him drunk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The worst part is that this behaviour mode, as I said earlier, has been happening for so long now that he often enters it when he knows it is time to relax (i.e.: no alcohol involved to begin with). This includes going out on weekends, making public events with him unbearable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I handle this behaviour? It is impossible to talk sense into someone who is so stubborn and childish.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20906" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T04:51:11.190" Title="How to argue with father who denies everything and makes illogical arguments?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-08-14T06:58:06.007" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17593" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-14T04:47:29.267" Score="38" ViewCount="13894" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is an intern at my company who has been there for two months. During this time I've helped her briefly on a few projects and we have talked socially at work a little but mostly worked completely in different departments. She is of the same age as me and will not be staying in the company at the end of the internship. Would it be inappropriate for me to ask her if she would like to get a drink outside of work? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user20910" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T05:00:12.457" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T18:31:35.120" Title="Asking out an intern at close of internship" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17590" CreationDate="2018-08-14T04:51:11.190" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is vague so the answer is matching.  People have to want to change and this usually comes from their way of life or dealing with things doesn’t work for them.  Consequences become greater than the benefit of the current behaviors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stating boundaries is a very good thing and always the first step to let someone know their behavior is offensive and hurtful.  The issue I see here with your approach is that he is already partially or fully impaired when you are talking to him.  You need to talk to him when he is sober, as your mom is involved it should likely be both of you or just focus on the way you feel and don’t try to get in between mom and dad.  They need to work on their relationship, you work on yours, but let him know it hurts you to see him treat your mom that way too.  Be prepared to tell him how you wish to be treated instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next step is hard for everyone.  Consequences are required to enforce your boundaries and let the other person know you are serious.  In this case the consequence is your presence.  If he continues let him know you aren’t staying around if he continues and then leave to your room or a place you can separate yourself from the abusive treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives him the opportunity to understand what is hurting you and understand he isn’t going to be able to keep treating you that way and maintain the same relationship with you.  Hopefully he will decide to change, but this just escalated on consequences from here proportionate to the treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. I believe the frequency and amount of drinking you mention is considered alcoholism.  You and your mom might think about looking into resources related to that near you.  Alcoholism and domestic happiness rarely exist together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20169" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T04:51:11.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17593" CreationDate="2018-08-14T05:00:21.137" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;So long as you respect her answer and ask politely there should be no issue with it.  I would be honest and tell her it is not work related but you are interested on getting to know her on a personal level, or romantic, etc... your own words. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20169" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T05:00:21.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17596" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17605" CreationDate="2018-08-14T06:57:52.687" Score="15" ViewCount="19983" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, I know that &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1163/its-my-birthday-how-do-i-tell-people-who-dont-know-who-might-want-to-know-w&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; is very close to mine, but has no answer that would match my needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, I find it shocking how many people answer for a workplace situation. This question is about generic place and a generic way that can be taken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday a colleague of mine had birthday and I didn't know about it until later that day where the coworker brought in some food and sent an email to everyone. I felt pretty embarrassed, as I already met him at that morning but had no clue. This is the reason for following question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please assume following situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am the person having birthday&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We meet each other for a short period of time (lets say around 5-10 minutes)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is a 1-on-1 conversation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This can happen in any place with any person I know (talked to that person a few times but only small talk)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This person has absolutely no clue that it's my birthday (doesn't ask &quot;what's up?&quot; or similar to which I could respond properly)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am not giving off any hints by my looks or my behavior which could cause a question.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I tell someone who has no clue (and therefore doesn't ask about it), that it is my birthday without it being somewhat awkward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not looking for answers like the ones in the linked question, as they are mostly suggest to bring food or do some activity. I am looking for answers which are purely conversation based (A short conversation, only small talk, no questions about what up etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that answers such as &lt;code&gt;Hey, it's my birthday!&lt;/code&gt; would not be a good fit in my opinion, as I feel that it would be pretty awkward if you walk up to someone and the first thing you say is &quot;It's my birthday!&quot; (also I feel its kinda rude).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastEditorUserId="6097" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T13:12:04.507" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T14:49:31.690" Title="How to convey (non-awkwardly) that its my birthday?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-08-14T17:13:14.380" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17597" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17593" CreationDate="2018-08-14T07:28:15.617" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;There shouldn't be any ethical conflict in asking her out, especially if she's about to leave the company.  Ask her out first in a general rather than specific way (for example, &quot;I would love to take you on a date sometime&quot; as opposed to &quot;do you want to have dinner on Thursday?&quot;) so that she clearly knows your intentions. That way, if she says no, you'll know it's because she's not interested, rather than because she isn't available on that day, and then there is no miscommunication/confusion about that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the intern is leaving the company soon, there might be a different power dynamic based on the different roles you had in the organization.  So in addition to asking her out, it's very important to give her plenty of room to say no.  For example: &quot;I've really enjoyed working with you.  This might sound forward, but I would love to see you again.  Do you want to go out with me sometime? If not, I'd also be happy to hang out as friends.&quot;  (Assuming that, for example, you are interested in pursuing a platonic friendship with her.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20216" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T07:28:15.617" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17598" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17566" CreationDate="2018-08-14T07:45:07.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems that the issue is not that Bob needs budget help, but the fact that he owes you money!  There's nothing wrong with claiming money that you are owed, in fact, it's an important to insist upon this.  This wasn't an emergency rent payment that you gave to a family member in a crisis; this was money that Bob owes you in a professional context and it is his responsibility to pay you back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, it is probably inappropriate for you to insist that Bob get budget help, given the nature of your relationship to him.  How would you hold him accountable for budget help, since you would accept that instead of your payment? If Bob were financially dependent on you and was spending your money frivolously, that would be a different situation, but it looks like this is a simple failure to pay a business expense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be sure, nothing incentivizes/motivates someone to budget their own finances like having to pay money that they owe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no reason you can't carry on a friendship with Bob.  Perhaps he needs to pay you back in installments, or perhaps you can set a deadline.  Listen to him with compassion, but don't feel that you are overstepping yourself to inquire calmly about a business expense that he owes you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like Bob has a history of paying on time and has a friendly relationship with you, so if he is going through a rough time financially, he will probably let you know, and then you can figure out where to go from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20216" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T07:45:07.267" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17599" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17596" CreationDate="2018-08-14T07:46:17.067" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your colleagues approach to this was just fine and can be copied for situations in the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many companies have some place where if you put food there, it is assumed that it is free for all and will be eaten. (Not taken. If I put a cake in the company's kitchen you are welcome and supposed to cut off a slice of cake and eat it, and maybe two slices especially if it gets late in the day and it looks like the cake might not disappear until the end of the day. You are not supposed to take the cake away). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And since nobody would know what the cake or whatever you put there is about, and that you put it there, you can either put a sign there explaining, or send an email. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no need to feel embarrassed if you meet someone and don't know it's their birthday (yet). If you are not told, you cannot know. And nowadays companies in many countries are not allowed due to privacy laws to tell about birthdays. So your manager cannot shout &quot;Hey everyone, today is Xtremebauer's birthday&quot;. For legal reasons. Which is Ok, since some people wouldn't want anyone to know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T07:46:17.067" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17558" CreationDate="2018-08-14T08:06:02.450" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The solution here is to set a very clear boundary but to also let Alice know that you are still there for her.  Don't make any hints about what you want.  If she brings this up again, tell her very clearly that, while you appreciate her praise, the only way that you can move forward is to not speak of the rough patch that you went through, and that the best way that she can support you as a friend is to never bring it up again.  Then make it clear that if she prefers to process the rough patch she went through with conversation, you are available to chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20216" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T08:06:02.450" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17601" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17596" CreationDate="2018-08-14T09:35:33.700" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you don't want to say that directly, you can always try to start a conversation about a celebrity or a historical figure or any popular person and tell that your birthday coincide with yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For eg,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you know {celebrity_name}? They turned {years} today. {some casual talk about that person}. Do you know their birthday coincides with mine?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will give them a hint that it's your birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one time, when there was celebration for &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganesha&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Lord Ganesha&lt;/a&gt;'s birthday in my new office, I did tell them that it's my birthday too. That's when they stuffed my mouth with sweets brought for the occasion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't find any such person your birthday coincides with, try to have a casual conversation about birthdays or something and then mention that it's your birthday. Some people might get hint when you're talking about birthdays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to say this to some people and everyone will start wishing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also try to start a conversation and mention it. However, you shouldn't try to be too subtle as they might not get hints and will not wish you birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in the end, there is nothing to be shy about it or think whether someone will consider it rude or not. This is your big day and you have to tell everyone about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T09:35:33.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17577" CreationDate="2018-08-14T10:00:02.810" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is in part a &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/2511/what-is-the-difference-between-not-answering-a-question-and-posting-a-frame-chal&quot;&gt;frame challenge&lt;/a&gt;, although also providing a direct answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end, you sum up your question by asking how to approach the other band members about songs that fit &quot;our intent&quot;. Before that, you say your drummer doesn't care too much about the songs you play, the other guitarist isn't able to judge the didactic value, and your bassist and singer are pushing for things with little didactic value.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting all that together, I find it hard to reconcile with asking them to play songs that fit &quot;our intent&quot; - you're asking them to pick songs that fit &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; intent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're very clear that your purpose with this band is to learn and develop as a musician. The other guitarist, who you initially started with, is also on board with that aim, but the impression I get from reading your post is that the drummer is indifferent and the other two members sound like they just want to have fun playing music they like. I think the key thing is for you to reconsider whether the make-up of this group is compatible with your goal of playing to develop particular musical skills. It may well be that the best way for you to achieve that goal is to just find a different group of people to play with - people who share that goal, or at least who are happy to actively help you work towards that goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to do that, you can of course go ahead with your plan of asking the others to play things that better fit your intent. You said the drummer doesn't really mind what you play, and the other guitarist seems to share your goals (at least to a reasonable degree). So you only have the bassist and singer to convince. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said they're your friends, and you didn't mention any personal issues coming from the disagreements over which songs to play, so I'd suggest you can be very straightforward. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, I've been enjoying playing with you, but some of the music that we've picked doesn't really fit with my goals. My main reason for being in the band is that I want to keep developing my [x,y,z] skills while school is shut over the summer. A lot of the [synth/pop/etc] we've been playing doesn't give me an opportunity to practise those skills. If I'm going to work on those things, I need to play more [blues/rock/whatever]. Would you be ok with us focusing the band in that direction?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't talk about &quot;the music you've suggested&quot; not helping with your goals (it sounds accusatory and could lead to them getting defensive and arguing), and don't talk about &quot;when I started the band&quot; even if you did start it with those intentions (it could sound a little controlling and arrogant, even if you don't mean it to). Just explain the problem (the music you've been playing doesn't help you reach your goals), propose a solution (tell them what would be necessary to help you reach those goals), and ask if they're ok with it. Be prepared for the possibility that some of them might answer &quot;no&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you've tried to speak to them before and they suggest writing your own arrangements of the songs they've suggested. That sounds like they're offering a compromise. You don't have to take that compromise (as I suggested above, you might just have to find other people to play with, either as well as or instead of your current group), but you should be prepared to explain why the compromise doesn't work for you (if you just bat away their suggested compromise without explaining why it doesn't help you, it could come across as you being rude and unreasonable). As above, they're your friends, so you can be quite straight-forward here: &quot;I need to work on my [whatever] skills, composing new arrangements would take too much time away from that&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2360" LastEditorUserId="2360" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T10:12:01.113" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T10:12:01.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17604" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17609" CreationDate="2018-08-14T10:46:13.430" Score="10" ViewCount="1542" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend, Jane, mid-twenties, who is going to get married to Joe, mid-thirties. &#xA;Joe has a good job, owns a house and generally has things 'in order'.&#xA;Jane had several (short, low paying) jobs and an education without many job prospects. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She moved in with Joe a couple of years ago, and while he is working she does cleaning and cooking and held some part time jobs.&#xA;She left these jobs for reasons like &quot;The colleagues were not nice&quot;, &quot;the manager was not nice&quot;, &quot;the rules were not nice&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of Joe earning enough money, they have a generally comfortable lifestyle. They are definitely not having any money problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently she is without job as she has a burn out, and has two things to do: cleaning and cooking.&#xA;She is seeing a psychologist and has group therapy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She tells me: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;group therapy is not working, as when she doesn't do the homework, there's no consequences&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she can't focus on one thing, she gets distracted a lot and doesn't get work done&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a 'to do'-list doesn't work&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she can't get government support because her future husband makes too much money and she thinks this is unfair&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she's very tired because she read comic books for hours/played games until 2 am&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she can't do the cleaning and now hired someone to do it for her (leaving only cooking to her)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in my mid-thirties, have a good job and had good education. I have had my hardships in life, but a burn out has (luckily) not been one of them. Obviously I would rather play games all day, but I understand there's things in life that aren't as fun as others but need to get done anyway, like paying the rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a very hard time understanding her, as I find most of what she tells me a result of her not having the discipline to do something/her being lazy.&#xA;I understand she can have a burn out, but I don't feel like she's doing much to make it better. In my opinion she blames other people for her problems (&quot;the colleagues/manager/rules were not nice&quot;, &quot;there's no consequences if I don't do the homework&quot;) and wants other people to solve her problems (&quot;it's unfair I don't get government support&quot;, hiring someone else to do the cleaning for her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to agree with/confirm everything she tells me, as I just have a very different view on life than her, but I do understand that &quot;just do it, you're home doing nothing all day!&quot; is not going to help our friendship and could be understood as condescending or not believing the burn out is real.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I absolutely think her burn out is real and I would like to give her some different views on what she is saying. I especially disagree on the government support part, they don't need it, since as a family they earn enough to (comfortably) pay for everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I talk with my friend about her problems without being condensending about it, but not just agree with everything she says?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I am not looking to sit her down and start a talk with her, it's just when she brings these things up when we're hanging out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Answer to a comment what my relationship to her is: she's my friend for over 10 years. We used to work together. She moved away (~1 hour drive) to live with her future husband a couple of years ago. We don't see each other often because of this and possibly this started with me asking how she was doing (in a general greeting kind of way). Later that day we were just talking and the subject came to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;edit2&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;In the comments it was pointed out I might not actually believe the burn out. This might be, thank you for noticing. There are some situations Jane is in which could definitely cause great stress, but I have left out of the question. Think of family issues and the wedding coming up. I could easily understand these issues, but this question is about things I think should could easily change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16072" LastEditorUserId="16072" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T08:20:56.597" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T13:34:06.197" Title="How can I talk with my friend about her burn out problems when I disagree with some things she says?" Tags="&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17596" CreationDate="2018-08-14T10:46:36.643" Score="19" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yesterday a colleague of mine had birthday and I didn't know about it until later that day where she brought in some food and sent an email to everyone. I felt pretty embarrassed, as I already met her at that morning but had no clue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sounds pretty standard to me, other than the fact that you got embarrassed by it. Most adults aren't that bothered about their own birthdays. Mainly it's an excuse to eat some cake, and share it with colleagues. Your colleague probably didn't tell you that it was her birthday when you had the morning chat because she wasn't that bothered about it and didn't expect you to be either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell someone who has no clue (and therefore doesn't ask about it), that it is my birthday without it being somewhat awkward?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like for you a birthday is a fairly big deal. In terms of bringing it up, I'd do so the same way I'd bring up anything else that's interesting in my life: I'd wait for the person I'm chatting to to ask something like &quot;How are you?&quot; or &quot;Get up to much last weekend / last night&quot; or &quot;You got anything planned tonight / this weekend?&quot;. So I could then respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm good. Super excited today because it's my birthday!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I spent the weekend baking cakes so I could bring them in today because it's my birthday&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Didn't do much last night, but tonight my other half is taking me out for dinner because it's my birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This weekend I'm going karting with some friends to celebrate my 23rd birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that in these examples you're not &lt;em&gt;walking up to someone and saying &quot;Hey, it's my birthday!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, you're describing what's going on in your life and adding the reasoning as &quot;because it's my birthday&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="430" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T10:46:36.643" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17596" CreationDate="2018-08-14T10:53:50.067" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I haven't been to Germany, but  where I'm from it's generally polite for both people to ask &quot;what's up&quot; or &quot;how are you&quot; or &quot;how was your day?&quot; or something equivalent if meeting casually. If it's similar where you are, this is a good opportunity to mention it's your birthday. Or you could wait for a lull in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If neither of these opportunities arise they are probably too distracted by something else, maybe the situation, maybe the contents of their own head - in this case they are possibly not going to be too enthusiastic to learn it's your birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20913" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T10:53:50.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17593" CreationDate="2018-08-14T11:20:04.007" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;The unethical part &lt;strong&gt;may be a thing&lt;/strong&gt; when there is power or dependency in play (a boss asking out their reports for instance). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In larger companies this is something which is normed a way or another (a female friend of mine married a guy in her organization (he was her n-2) - once they started to date they were split into two organizations so that there is not formal hierarchical relationship and everything was good).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some companies even encourage making a family with someone else in the company, or having several members of a family apply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are in a case where there is no hierarchical relationship between you (which is already easier) and on top of that she is leaving. &lt;strong&gt;So no - there is no problem here.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that I think of it I know a case where an ex-manager asked their intern out when that intern was leaving (to make sure all relationship has ended). Another happy marriage (at least it was a few years ago when I saw them for the last time).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE: Another case I recall is my professor at the university who married his student (he was a post-doc at that time and was teaching a group of students she was a member of). I got her as the TA for a course I was getting a few years later after they married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastEditorUserId="1871" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T18:31:35.120" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T18:31:35.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17596" CreationDate="2018-08-14T11:21:45.277" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;she brought in some food&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could simply go as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dave: Hi.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Helen: Hi, Dave. Oh, I brought some food for my birthday, I'll send an email with more information later. Please feel free to drop by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, tell them you brought something and explain it's because it's your birthday!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8230" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T11:43:02.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17604" CreationDate="2018-08-14T11:34:33.660" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first and most important thing you have to understand is that&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Burnout looks like lazyness on the outside but is very different on the inside&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about people like rechargeable batteries. Your own battery gets somewhat drained during work, slightly recharged during lunch break, even more recharged during freetime activities and fully recharged at night. Her battery operates at 10% capacity. Cooking for 1 hour drains her completely and she needs a very long time to recharge. Reading comic books and playing games is her way of recharging but she needs to do those things for a very long time because her battery is broken. Cleaning the house &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be in her capacity, but will drain her completely again. To you this looks like lazyness, but she honestly doesn't have the energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this because one of my family members suffered from burnout. During her 30s and 40s, she was a mother of 2 children, worked 40 hours/week, did the household and cared for her elderly mother. Now she can mop the floor &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; cook for 1 hour before being completely drained and needing several hours of rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her therapist explained to her that burnout needs the same amount of time to &quot;heal&quot; as it developed. So if your friend suffered from burnout for 10 years, she needs at least another 10 years to get her battery working again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is hard to understand (at least it was to me). If you tell her something like &quot;You should do the cleaning on your own&quot; she might feel bad or even worthless, in the worst case she could become depressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing you could do is show your understanding for the things you do understand and show her positive alternatives to the things you don't agree with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Group therapy is not working? Why don't you look for a therapist that can really help you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can't get work done because you get distracted? Split one task into smaller sub-tasks. It feels &lt;em&gt;so good&lt;/em&gt; to know you completed one of your tasks and have accomplished something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can't do the cleaning? With the right therapy you feel better and have more energy. Then you will be able to manage the cleaning without paying someone else for that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a usefull comment Evargalo added:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[T]he way out of burn-out is to give yourself little goals everyday, and enjoy the satisfaction of what you have accomplished. The goal can seem very tiny (Do the dishes / get up before 8.30 / switch off any game at 11pm / whatever), what counts is that there is a goal and that it is reached. She can be more ambitious the next day, and hopefully she will even want to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A word on government support:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I don't know the social system in the Netherlands, but in Germany you can get a pension when it's proven that you are no longer able to work for more than 3 hours a day due to medical or psychological reasons. If something like that exists in the Netherlands, she could try to apply. In the case of my family member it took 10 months to get evaluated and approved, so they surely rat out the lazy ones and offer support only to those who are genuinely unable to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T13:34:06.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T13:34:06.197" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17596" CreationDate="2018-08-14T11:59:30.677" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As other answerers pointed out, you can bring it in a casual conversation. If there is any celebration, event, whatever, the same day, talk about it and mention your birthday is the same day. You can mention it more or less obviously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another easy solution is to talk about the weather, and say how it will impact your celebration day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask the person you talk with when is his/her own birthday. He/She will probably ask you in return when is yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tell a joke related to birthday or celebration, which will give you the opportunity to evoke your own birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also wait for a proper moment in the conversation to mention it's your birthday. For example, a few days ago, I worked with a friend of mine to conclude a music festival. He said &quot;Another year is gone (&lt;em&gt;une année de plus en moins&lt;/em&gt;, not sure if the translation is good)&quot;, which I replied &quot;Tell me about it, it's my birthday next week!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually, my best advice would be to &lt;strong&gt;do not make a big deal about it&lt;/strong&gt;. It's your birthday, everyone has one, and no one will be mad at you to be a bit selfish that day. Moreover, as @AJ said in his answer, if you tell it to just a few people, they will spread the word themselves and after a short time everyone will wish you a happy birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20305" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T11:59:30.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17369" CreationDate="2018-08-14T13:39:18.763" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The best answer is honesty and a humble apology.  Tell Bob that she is very sorry and tell him the 100% truth of why she lied about him on multiple occasions.  He will either forgive and move past it or it was too much to continue a relationship with Alice.  It wouldn’t hurt for Alice to indicate the type of relationship she wishes to have with Bob as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honesty is required to have a honest relationship.  An apology needs to happen if you wish to move past offenses given.  As there is already a breach in trust, it’s a good idea to define the desired relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice has proven herself untrustworthy and hostile towards Bob.  She must prove herself trustworthy by being honest where she wasn’t and apologize in recognition for wrong doing to Bob.  Then if Bob forgives her they can build a relationship with trust.  As Bob may be gun shy, stating her desires from the relationship would likely help ease those fears of Bobs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20169" LastEditorUserId="20169" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T14:40:52.067" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T14:40:52.067" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17612" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17558" CreationDate="2018-08-14T14:01:03.860" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One solution is that when you both are not talking about your rough patches, bring it up and say that you want to be there for her, but would like to move on from the rough patch, and not bring it up again. Use &quot;I/Me&quot; statements instead of &quot;you&quot; statements to divert blame, say that this is what you've considered and want to do. Additionally, make a point that you do not mind talking about her rough patch, if she needs help processing and thinking about it, but would like to avoid yours, because you have moved on and want to leave it be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a good solution because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are talking about what you would like to achieve in the friendship, and are not putting pressure on your friend. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are kindly saying &quot;This is something I am doing. I'd rather not talk about this, please.&quot; rather than interrupting the conversation and blaming her for not letting you move on. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Emphasizing you are still there to help her with whatever she needs will help her remember that she will be alright and that she can still consider you as a good friend. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Diverting the conversation to being about what you're doing to move on, and clarifying boundaries is a great friendship-builder, and will help both of you move on healthily from your rough patches. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T14:01:03.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17615" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17558" CreationDate="2018-08-14T18:35:17.047" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest the sandwich method because it has worked well for me. It is 1 positive, 1 negative, 1 positive. It is clear that you have every intention of investing in this friendship for the long term. I feel that the sandwich method is a good starting point with generally softer souls, which it sounds like Alice is. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Alice, you have always been there for me through thick and thin. I'm&#xA;  grateful for you friendship. I honor you as my friend so I feel like I&#xA;  should share from my heart that that part of my history is not a part&#xA;  I feel like talking about with anyone. You know, I kind of moved on...&#xA;  I mean, I know it's there and all, but I find that I appreciate what I&#xA;  have today and what the future holds even more, so I'd rather not talk&#xA;  about it. I hope this makes sense. You're a strong and caring person&#xA;  so I hope you understand.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your own words, of course. Did I sugar coat that? Yes, but I find with sensitive souls it only takes a nudge like this and they got it. If it doesn't stick, then you can reword the conversation more directly and try again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's distracted, she may forget from time to time, and at that point, after having this conversation, it may be best to try to non-chalantly change the subject. At that point, you have tried once or twice, and she is forgetting; she's not trying to be malicious (based on your comments). It's then on you if you want to repeat the conversations or just accept that she is distracted and forgetful of your request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13909" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T18:35:17.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17617" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17593" CreationDate="2018-08-14T19:55:42.483" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's risky asking her at work, &lt;em&gt;particularly&lt;/em&gt; if she isn't interested—consider damage control. If you do ask her at work, make sure you don't have an audience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even then I advise against it, because when women are at work, they are hostage to the situation. FWIW this includes working women at &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; place of work, where you may just be a customer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get her a going-away card&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would do something different if I were in your shoes. I would get her a basic &quot;Good Luck!&quot; card. They sell them everywhere they sell greeting cards.. Inside the card, put something simple like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;HER_NAME, you sure do stand out from the crowd! &#xA;  &lt;br&gt; Good luck on your next&#xA;  adventure &#xA;  &lt;br&gt; — user20910&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;PS. &lt;a href=&quot;https://bit.ly/2MizSRV&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://note.ly/2MizSRV&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;*Disclosure: I've never used note.ly, but I assume it allows people to share notes with others using short URLs similar to bit.ly, so to demonstrate this I formatted a fake note.ly URL and linked it to a bit.ly that's linked to note.ly's homepage. Hopefully you get the idea.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure the &lt;a href=&quot;https://bit.ly/2MizSRV&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;note.ly&lt;/a&gt; note does something flirty like, suggesting you'd like to take her out, and 'Check one: yes, no, maybe.' The point is, make it fun. And don't forget to include your phone number in the note so she can actually respond!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Timing the card delivery is probably the hard part. Personally, on her last day, I'd take a half day off, deliver the card just before lunch, then bow out. This is mostly in the theme of &quot;avoid an audience&quot;. Make sure it's a face-to-face hand-off, but don't dive deep; I'd say &quot;HER_NAME, I've got to take off early today but I got you a going away card and didn't want to miss you. See you if I see you!&quot; Then leave. Don't stall. Don't hesitate. Don't wait for additional conversation. Just go. As of now, your pieces are in play.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This solves some problems and does some fun things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It doesn't put her on the spot at work, which saves everyone a whole&#xA;mess if she isn't interested.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's a little drama which will drive her crazy till she follows the link, &quot;What?? What is this link?? What is he doing!?!?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's ultra memorable. And it might single-handedly reset whatever context/frame she has of you, which at bare minimum you need to catapult out of &quot;coworker-zone&quot; ASAP.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;And best of all, it puts the ball in her court. If you hear from her at all after this, game on.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't have a boyfriend and if she's at least 51% into you, I'm pretty sure this approach will at least get you a text. From there it's up to you. Hopefully I'm not too late. :) Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4408" LastEditorUserId="4408" LastEditDate="2018-08-14T20:19:17.773" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T20:19:17.773" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17369" CreationDate="2018-08-14T20:39:15.860" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sidenote: I'm not from Germany, so my answer may not take into account German social norms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reconciliation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way Alice can reconcile with Bob is to offer him a sincere and truthful apology. She cannot take back what she has inflicted on Bob (the police involvement, Bob switching schools, potential emotional toll, etc.). However, taking responsibility for her actions shows that she truly feels remorse towards bob. This does not guarantee that Bob will forgive her, but it's a step in a right direction for Alice to make amends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way to show remorse is to for Alice to indicate to Bob she is making changes towards improving herself and her bad behavior. You state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, she is actually stable.... Maybe she had some feelings (not love, but you know, some “good“ feelings) for him and maybe he did ignored that and that's the reason why she acted like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, that sounds like the exact opposite of stable behavior. Lightly making and redacting serious allegations about stalking and violence aren't healthy ways of displaying affection towards someone. (Granted, I'm making assumptions) but Alice may have some sort of personality disorder or &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.medicinenet.com/confusing_love_with_obsession/views.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Obsessive Love Disorder&lt;/a&gt;. Therapy sessions or talking with school counseling are concrete examples of Alice making efforts to change her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2019-10-10T20:25:22.503" LastActivityDate="2019-10-10T20:25:22.503" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17505" CreationDate="2018-08-14T20:53:00.527" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it matters whether you share a culture or are familiar with her culture vs. not knowing how these matters are handled there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When traveling, I've usually just asked after dinner or a drink if she'd like to come join me in my room. I wasn't sure which euphemisms were popular there and didn't want them to feel misled. While this has come off a little blunt and surprised some women in more conservative countries, they seemed to just chalk it up to cultural differences and appreciate the honesty and low pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know the culture, a euphemism like what @axsvl77's suggests is definitely more tactful and allows her to reject you without making you lose face, which is easier for her. I use this method at home or when I really know the local culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12540" LastActivityDate="2018-08-14T20:53:00.527" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17621" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-15T12:38:42.433" Score="2" ViewCount="482" Body="&lt;p&gt;An English teacher working in Russia notices that their student has adequate speaking and listening skills for their level, but &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; struggles when it comes to writing and reading, both in English and in the student's first language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can the said teacher politely tell the student that they have signs of being dyslexic and that they might benefit from visiting a doctor?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For note, I am not the one having this problem, it is happening to my colleague pretty much right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The student is 28.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1581" LastEditorUserId="1581" LastEditDate="2018-08-15T12:59:58.270" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T10:07:13.500" Title="How can an English teacher tell their student that the student is dyslexic?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17622" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17621" CreationDate="2018-08-15T12:57:26.263" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would have thought that a teacher would have some kind of training on this kind of matter. If they have been trained how to identify dyslexia with some degree of certainty then surely the correct course of action to follow was part of that training? And if they have &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; had such training, then how can they be so certain that this student has dyslexia?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't speak for Russia, but in many other countries there is &lt;em&gt;protocol&lt;/em&gt; to follow both in teacher-student communications and also when it comes to medical matters, which this may or may not be. The problem is that this is an interpersonal skills site, and an &quot;etiquette&quot; answer might sound very reasonable yet go against the proper procedures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your colleague needs to know the &lt;em&gt;correct protocol&lt;/em&gt; to follow for this situation in your country as their own job is at stake if they say or do the wrong thing. There should be resources available to your colleague to refer to, and if not then they should refer to a senior teacher or the head for advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-08-15T13:19:27.857" LastActivityDate="2018-08-15T13:19:27.857" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17623" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17626" CreationDate="2018-08-15T15:11:24.417" Score="3" ViewCount="1838" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a feature in Slack called emoji reactions. It allows users to respond to any message on Slack with an emoji reaction.&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/fIIm5.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/fIIm5.png&quot; alt=&quot;it looks like this&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;(source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://get.slack.help/hc/en-us/article_attachments/214876427/Screen_Shot_2016-10-19_at_4.41.02_PM.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;slack.help&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you can choose a skin tone for your emojis:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/3LaiK.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/3LaiK.png&quot; alt=&quot;it looks like this&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;sub&gt;(source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://get.slack.help/hc/article_attachments/360003049907/skintone.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;slack.help&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do, this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/4CuYz.png&quot; alt=&quot;image with yellow thumbs up emoji&quot; /&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will turn into that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/qYZCY.png&quot; alt=&quot;image with black thumbs up emoji&quot; /&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If multiple people with different skin tones selected react to the same message it will look as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/wrS36.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/wrS36.png&quot; alt=&quot;images with multiple thumbs up emojis of different color&quot; /&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to support someone else's reaction you can just click on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to the question itself. Let's say there is a message with a reaction from someone of different skin color. What should I do if I want to add the same reaction myself? Both options seem bad to me. If I react with a reaction of my skin tone, it will be shown as a separate reaction. It will look like I want to put emphasis on my skin color and separate myself from whoever reacted the first. If I react with a reaction of the skin tone of whoever reacted the first, it can be seen as mockery or cultural appropriation. I'm really at a loss here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20940" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2020-12-24T11:31:14.910" LastActivityDate="2020-12-24T11:31:14.910" Title="What skin tone emoji should I use in Slack reaction?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-08-15T15:42:46.303" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17623" CreationDate="2018-08-15T15:37:50.510" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I compare&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It will look like I want to put emphasis on my skin color and separate myself from whoever reacted the first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I react with a reaction of the skin tone of whoever reacted the first, it can be seen as mockery or cultural appropriation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then for me the first statement could be more true than the second. But this is an extremely subjective point of view.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;So I would click an existing image, simply to not make it overcomplicated to watch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope it calms you a little down if I tell you this doesn't look like a real problem to me ;-)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The probably most important thing to think about is if someone ever creates a problem out of this, remember to simply not vote any more on their postings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-08-15T15:37:50.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17626" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17623" CreationDate="2018-08-15T15:42:17.043" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Nobody will really care.&lt;/strong&gt;  I use Discord, software that is heavily based off of Slack, and I am on servers with a large amount of people that have differing skin tones.  Most people just use the default yellow emojis, but there are a few people who have set it to match their skin tone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It all depends on who reacts first.  If I react with a yellow thumbs up, people who have set the emoji to a skin tone will still react with the same reaction, and vice versa.  &lt;strong&gt;Just follow the reaction of the first person.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would assume most people care about what the emoji &lt;em&gt;actually represents&lt;/em&gt; rather than the skin tone of the emoji.  If I had to say which one would be more offensive, I would think it would be adding your own reaction with your skin color (especially because you're white) as it could be seen as you not wanting to associate with people of darker skin color, but that is just my guess (also as a white guy, so take that part with a grain of salt).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had no issues with using the &quot;wrong&quot; skin tone on any of my 10+ servers when this has come up, but if someone has voiced an issue in the past then I would respect their opinions and follow that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I can't access my Discord at this time to give examples, but I would post pictures if I could for proof.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastActivityDate="2018-08-15T15:42:17.043" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17604" CreationDate="2018-08-15T16:43:48.040" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds a lot like Jane has a real problem, a medical issue of some kind, not just &quot;laziness&quot;.  I'm not even going to begin to diagnose but inability to focus, lack of energy, unable to accomplish even simple tasks, sounds like a lot of possibilities: depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was &quot;Joe&quot; (Jane's soon to be husband) in a previous relationship.  My ex-wife had some of the same symptoms but I suspect different issues.  Given what you say about Jane's past, I simply don't believe this is a case of overstress / burnout that will require years of idleness to recover from.  A bit of Googling shows that it's accepted that high stress causes problems and lowering stress will help, but no indication that this needs to be a lengthy process, and you haven't noted any periods of high stress in the past for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on my experience, Joe probably is quite worried about all this.  I think the best thing you could do, if you feel comfortable doing so, is having a talk with him about your concern for Jane.  Joe getting feedback from other observers that Jane has a serious problem and needs more help is important.  And together the two of you may be able to convince Jane to get medical diagnosis and treatment.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From rereading your question I understand this answer is a &lt;strong&gt;lot&lt;/strong&gt; more work than what you asked for.  So maybe just something to consider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-08-15T16:43:48.040" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17628" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17631" CreationDate="2018-08-15T19:41:33.013" Score="10" ViewCount="2171" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a master student (20+) that for the last 6 months has been renting a room in an older woman's (50+) house, that is we're living in the same house (just two of us). Unfortunately, I didn't have a possibility to check the house and room myself before I moved in (I only saw the pictures she made) so our only way of communication was email. She seemed a nice woman with a colourful personality (she's a yoga teacher) but as the time has progressed it turned out that she's a person that I don't quite get along with. As it turned out she believes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;everything is a floating energy (we can walk through the walls)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;we're neither born nor die, we're floating energy (reincarnation?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the weather and terrorist attacks are controlled by masons (Illuminati)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and a lot of other weird things, moreover she's super anxious. She's been divorced for a long time and living alone since then, and I have an irresistible feeling that she feels alone (although she has a son in my age). Whenever there is a possibility she starts to talk a lot, even when I'm not in the mood. During some conversations, she was unintentionally (at least I hope so) trying to talk me into believing the same things as she does. It was absurd as I'm not only an agnostic that doesn't believe in anything but science but also a physics bachelor so in effect, I started to spend as much time as possible at the university and friends' flats and basically avoid her. I'm a calm, industrious person that usually spend most of the time alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now my agreement is reaching its end and I'm looking for a new flat. Among the offers, there is one that is affordable (woman again) but its description bugs me a little bit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she's 30+, willing to share her house with someone who likes to spend time together a little bit&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it seems that she's a children therapist working with animals&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she mentions that there's a yoga room in her house (whenever I see or read yoga I cringe)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The housing market is really tight so I can't be picky that much. Again, I can't check the room myself (only email) but now I have friends whom I can ask to do it for me. Assuming that she will respond to my message, how could I gently ask her if she believes the same things as my current house owner and if yes, inform her that I don't believe those things and I'm not willing to talk/listen about it at all?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20944" LastEditorUserId="20944" LastEditDate="2018-08-16T17:39:29.030" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T10:57:05.603" Title="How can I ask a stranger who I'd be living with if he believes in weird things?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17629" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-15T20:37:07.040" Score="12" ViewCount="989" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 17 year old female living with my parents, a brother and sister. Everyday when I get back from school I enjoy my alone time in my room as I get tired of being around people the whole day quite easily. For some reason it is common in my family to simply walk into each others’ bedrooms without even knocking first. It really annoys me when it happens as I could be changing clothes, sleeping or doing something I’d prefer no-one catches me doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven’t brought it up with my family yet as I am unsure how to phrase it. If I ask them to knock first it may make them think that I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing or hiding something from them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the above, I want to know: &lt;strong&gt;what is the best way to ask my family members to respect my space by knocking first without sounding guilty of wanting to hide something?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20946" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-13T14:43:41.030" LastActivityDate="2019-03-13T14:43:41.030" Title="Asking family members to respect my space" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17628" CreationDate="2018-08-15T21:06:50.793" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer your question:&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Respectfully, you shouldn't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine you're in her position and are searching for potential leasers/flatmates, and someone immediately starts judging you based on your outward appearance. If you begin the relationship with, &lt;em&gt;&quot;You don't believe in anything weird right? I'm not really interested in any of that hippy stuff.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; You're already framing yourself as someone unwelcoming to other lifestyles that don't correspond to your own. Regardless if this woman &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; the stereotypical yoga-enthused, peace/love/carefree type you may be anticipating, she rightfully may not want to live with someone who's going to consistently invalidate her lifestyle. While it seems you aren't compatible with this type of lifestyle, my guess is you're prioritizing finding housing over compatibility. This approach could jeopardize your housing situation with this potential home-owner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So, what can you do?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get to Know Her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have the time and opportunity, you should get to know her. Have a phone call, or get coffee, or show her that you're at least invested in the personal aspect of your relationship. Taking this approach shows her that not only are you a welcoming and friendly person, but will also give you an opportunity to gain some insight into her lifestyle and personality. If you really want to ask her, you could try to gauge the situation with something along the lines of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm glad I am able to get to know you! My last roommate tried to convince me one time that the weather was controlled by the Illuminati. How crazy is that?!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she laughs along with you about that, then not only is she probably more level-headed than your previous homeowner, but also you've made a personal connection with her. I want to note that this could possibly insult her, if she does in fact agree with that notion. However, the silver lining is you're able to find out more about her. Granted, this won't reveal all the skeletons in her closet, but you'll be able to gain more insight into who she is and what she believes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Find another Housing Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, you know yourself best. If this housing situation has potential to be another year of stress and ostracization, then you should look into other housing options. You may feel more comfortable reaching this conclusion if you get to know her and realize it's not a good fit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bite the Bullet&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having struggled through the grind of finding university housing, I empathize that time is always of the essence. If you don't feel like you have the time to find another housing option, it may be in your best interest to accept this housing situation for what it is. Rarely to people find the perfect person to live with, and the caveat of sharing rooms with others is being accepting and respectful of other's lifestyles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-08-15T21:06:50.793" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17629" CreationDate="2018-08-16T00:00:57.230" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the best way to ask my family members to respect my space by knocking first without sounding guilty of wanting to hide something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, a necessary premise: &lt;strong&gt;everybody has something to hide, and that's OK&lt;/strong&gt;. And this does not mean that the hidden thing has to be illegal or immoral: someone may want the freedom to put contraceptives or that one brand of cookies in a drawer without parents knowing, some other person may need some time alone to secretly write poetry or to read that one book they're publicly mocking (Twilight, 50 shades of X, you name it) etc. Having some space and time which is exclusively personal, as opposed to infancy times when everything is shared with parents, is an important step during growth and it is vital during adulthood. This is to say that guilt is not a necessary and automatic reaction from your side to people inferring that you have something to hide. &lt;sub&gt; &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2013-01-09&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Click for a bonus SMBC comic to illustrate the concept in politics&lt;/a&gt;! &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for &quot;how to ask&quot;: if you are afraid that suddenly asking them to always knock may be weird, start by setting timeframes in which they have to. Find a way to signal that you want other people to knock in a certain moment (a &quot;Do not disturb&quot; sign or any other thing on the handle of the door, simply closing the door...). Then, comunicate to your family that you want them to knock when they see it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you really make me jump when you come into my room without knocking / last time you didn't knock I had put my t-shirt on for two seconds / I was sleeping when you entered my room without knocking, and I want to avoid these circumstances in the future, so starting from now can you knock when you see X?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I take from your explanation that you may be an &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.deviantart.com/romanjones/art/How-to-Live-with-Introverts-Guide-Printable-320818879&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;introvert&lt;/a&gt;. If they inquire on the reasons of this new boundary, you can explain that you need time alone to recharge, just like you did here. Chances are you took this feature from somebody in your family and your parents are already familiar with this behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next week/s or so of implementing this system, remind everyone that forgets to knock - insist, if you have to. Remind on the spot, do not let it go quietly. Depending on your personality and the circumstances, you can also ask the person to go back the door and knock -- my brother did it all the time and, as harsh as it sounds, it may be an effective way of dealing with the issue with those of your family more prone to overstep the new boundary (in our case, our mom). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, warn beforehand that you're going to put the sign on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm going to my room for a while, if you need something just knock, ok? I'll put the sign on to remind you to do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rinse and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. It's a new boundary, it takes time to be accepted and embraced by everyone in the family - it really depends on what are your customs as a family and what is the personality of everyone. Just be confident that &lt;strong&gt;this is your right&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastEditorUserId="6808" LastEditDate="2018-08-16T09:01:37.407" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T09:01:37.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17634" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17663" CreationDate="2018-08-16T01:03:50.063" Score="8" ViewCount="1653" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the situation:&#xA;My boyfriend and I have been dating for around 1.5 years. At first, when I met his friends I liked them a lot, but as time has gone on I've noticed a side to their relationship that makes me uncomfortable.&#xA;While his friends always joked about my BF being the &quot;dad&quot;, I have started to notice that they really do expect him to clean up after them all the time, both literally and figuratively. He does so much for them for essentially nothing in return, other than them occasionally spending time together. He puts his entire life on hold when they &quot;need&quot; help without so much as a thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really want to encourage him to stand up for himself, because he deserves more than this. I want his friends to at least start acknowledging what he does and stop taking advantage of him. He complains to me about it fairly often, and even when he doesn't, I can tell it bothers him. But whenever I nudge him to confront them (on the few occasions that I felt his friends really took it too far), he makes excuses for them or says it isn't a big deal. It's starting to drive me crazy how selfish they are, and how they can just get away with it. Whenever he asks for help, they won't give it or are extremely reluctant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR: How can I encourage my boyfriend to stand up to his friends that are taking advantage of him, without causing conflict between us?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20951" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T13:01:53.357" Title="How can I encourage my boyfriend to stand up to his friends?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17635" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17644" CreationDate="2018-08-16T03:04:21.947" Score="12" ViewCount="1394" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am part of a running group that meets every week. The running group is part of a large store, but is actually free (I think they do this for publicity and in hopes of people would buy things from the store etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months ago a new staff member started leading the running group. She has some very strange and uncomfortable stretches she makes us do before and after the run. On one time they even involved touching someone else's head to put more pressure on the stretch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not expert but I suspect lots of these stretches aren't healthy. We always do these stretches in a big circle and she calls people out who aren't doing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can I refuse without making a scene?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it is free I don't really think this would be the best course of action. I believe other people feel the same way as I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5247" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-12T16:54:45.200" LastActivityDate="2019-03-13T00:26:37.433" Title="Declining to do exercises I think are unsafe without making a scene" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17635" CreationDate="2018-08-16T04:09:21.243" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stretches are meant to have an effect, it is unlikely to not feel anything.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You surely find information about that somewhere on the internet, perhaps with more details to what you should feel with a particular stretch and what you shouldn't.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally gym leaders are quite flexible and can stretch more than anyone else. It must not be a problem if you can't go as far as she can, neither for you nor for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I complain&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, first of all just talk, don't yet complain&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;to the store manager&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, talk to the leader first. Why go the way top down? This is a bad image upon you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I refuse without making a scene?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she calls you out first of all tell her it hurts and ask if it should. Ask what you can do to do the excercise without having a problem.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;After class you can tell her it's uncomfortable to be called out like that, ask her to do that another way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I believe other people feel the same way as I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to use that for an argument, don't &quot;believe&quot; but be sure they really do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastEditorDisplayName="user10085" LastEditDate="2018-08-16T10:39:37.883" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T10:39:37.883" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17638" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17628" CreationDate="2018-08-16T06:59:54.410" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;One question I like to ask prospective housemates, which may help in this situation, is: &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Can you tell me about any previous house-shares you've been in that haven't worked out, or where you've had housemates that were difficult to deal with?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answers to this question I'm usually looking for would concern cleanliness, housework, life schedules, etc. For example, if they complain that their ex-housemate never cleaned up after themselves, then that's a good indication that they're a tidy person, whereas if they complain that their ex-housemate was always nagging them about cleaning, then that's a red flag. You may also get answers about how they were uncomfortable about their ex-housemate often having a partner over, or vice-versa, which may indicate compatible expectations (or not) with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could steer this more towards beliefs by adding examples to the question in order to lead their answer. E.g. Adding to the question, &quot;... like where they turned out to be too messy, or too controlling, or just bigoted or closed minded?&quot;, might draw out answers about an ex-housemate who refused to believe in their crystal healing practices. Or you could go the other way, and add a humorously exaggerated example of crazy beliefs, where the exaggeration is unrealistic enough that the person won't identify with it (and so won't be offended by you putting it in a negative light), but it may open them up to discussing beliefs of past housemates. This might add something along the lines of &quot;... like where they turned out to be too messy, or too controlling, or tried to convince you to join their human sacrifice cult?&quot; to the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not guaranteed to get you an honest answer to the question you really want to ask, but offers a good chance of gaining some insight without offending the person you are interviewing. You'll probably need to think a bit about how to word it to best steer the conversion towards what you really want to know about. Also, I recommend avoiding specifically asking about one's &quot;worst&quot; ex-housemates, as this can get awkward if they've had any particularly bad experiences (e.g. violence). Asking about housemates &quot;that were difficult to deal with&quot; is much safer than asking &quot;what was your worst house-sharing experience?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6257" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T06:59:54.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17628" CreationDate="2018-08-16T09:16:18.037" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yoga is one of those things that means one thing to one person and something completely different to another. It started out as a Hindu religious practice, but these days has become just another exercise routine for many.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this reason many would tell you not to assume that your new prospective house mate is into all the tinfoil-hat stuff that your current one is simply because she does Yoga.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I'm of the opinion that the origin of things really &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; matter, and shouldn't be ignored. These days most people seem happy to wear clothes designed by the same people who made Nazi uniforms, or buy computers built by the same company who built the death-camp ovens, and if you try to point these things out they would rather not know and remain in blissful ignorance. But I just can't separate Yoga from its religious roots and while I have nothing at all against anybody else's beliefs, I believe it would be hypocritical to practice something that I personally don't believe in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a housemate practicing Yoga for fitness only doesn't bother you, but a house full of pseudo-spiritual stuff &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt;, then you do need to find out which she is. Is she just someone trying to improve their core-body strength, or is she trying to achieve enlightenment and reach nirvana?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to meet her and talk to her. Arrange a viewing. Ask all the questions about the house you would want to and be friendly from the outset. Then, when it seems right, ask her about herself. Ask her about her work. It does sound a little unusual, so show an interest and draw out of her exactly what it entails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From talking to her and looking around the house you'll soon get an idea of whether or not you will get along, and you shouldn't need to ask her outright what she believes in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For balance, I should add that getting along with people who believe different things to us is actually a really good life skill. Surrounding ourselves only with people who we agree with can actually lead to feelings of superiority and intolerance. I'm sure that isn't the case with yourself, but do have a look inward and see if you can't overlook a few things in an otherwise decent housemate. Her &quot;therapy&quot; work with children and animals sounds a little bit hokey to me, but if it helps some people then who am I to say it has no merit? So even if the Yoga isn't a thing in this case, you might need to be a little more accepting of people who are less guided by science than you believe yourself to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-08-16T09:26:13.287" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T09:26:13.287" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17640" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17634" CreationDate="2018-08-16T10:24:25.123" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems your boyfriend is struggling with refusing anything his friends ask.&#xA;I was pretty much the same up to the point where a &quot;Friend&quot; asked me to lend him about 400 USD and never returned them (around 1 whole monthly wage at that point in my country).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was my wake up call to start working on this issue. I found out that there are hundreds and hundreds of resources on the internet about &quot;How to say no&quot; and most of them are actually very helpful. It is a very common problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The hard part is to make him realize that it is actually an issue and to make him &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to work on it. From his perspective he is just being nice and he probably doesn't see it as a problem. Though there is a difference between being nice and being taken advantage of. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you can do is try to help him realize when people are taking advantage and point it out to him when you identify situations like that. He really doesn't see it that way (I can guarantee it) and just talking about the situations and hopefully seeing it from a different perspective will help him identify the issue. Do tread carefully as it might be taken as you trying to distance him from his friends which isn't really the goal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T10:24:25.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17641" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17645" CreationDate="2018-08-16T11:39:55.747" Score="56" ViewCount="24083" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend has a tendency of getting fixated on things she thinks true, when she won't listen to any reasoning and starts arguing with me. We are in our late twenties and we have been together for 8 months. She is a foreign student in my Central European country, we both work as interns. Neither mine nor her first language is English, but it's the only common language we share. I'd say our language skills are nothing near excellent, but better than average in our countries, e.g. we rarely have to pause in live speech to find the appropriate expression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We planned going on a short holiday. A few days after reserving a room online I found out we have to pay for the accomodation in Euro, instead of *local currency*. As she has a Euro bank account, I asked her if we could pay from that. I never indicated I want her to pay for our stay without compensating her in *local currency* or by paying for dinner, etc. We always share payments, except for transportation. I never asked her to pay for the fuel when I drive her somewhere. However I'm fine with that, since my pay is better than hers. The recent online conversation leading to the conflict went as the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Hey babe, I guess we have to pay for our room in Euro. Can we use your account for that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: I wanna use that money when I travel around Europe with my family. Can't we pay in *local currency*? Let me check this out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I don't know, I'll have to ask them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: Why did you choose such a place to stay? Cancel it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I did choose it because this was the only one which was rated like above 6/10 and still not a hotel room for 500 Euro/night in *local currency*.&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: What? It's so expensive! I could buy many things for that! Just forget about it, and cancel the reservation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Please stop saying this, our room costs 60 Euro/night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: I can't pay 500 Euro for one night. I won't go there, it's so expensive. Cancel it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: What are you talking about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: Do you wanna piss me off? What if they charge me more?&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Why would they do that? Read again, it costs 60 Euros.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note #1: Her sudden turn to accusing me in her second answer isn't exaggeration, it literally happened like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note #2: The exact wording of the conversation couldn't be understood as &amp;quot;our room costs 500 Euros&amp;quot; at all, reading it back, it's still clear I was referring to other possible choices. I repeated the fact multiple times (even when she was attacking me), after the quoted part from our chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It went on for a while, she gave me more and more aggressive responses. I asked her if she drank something, since she has a history with alcohol, and this made her go wild. She deliberately misinterpreted my choice of words &amp;quot;free room&amp;quot; as if I meant &lt;em&gt;free of charge&lt;/em&gt;, not &lt;em&gt;vacant&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;available&lt;/em&gt;. She insulted me for being stupid, crazy, said I just wanted to argue with her, told me I constantly accuse her of doing something wrong.&lt;sup&gt;3&lt;/sup&gt; I asked her to read back, and copied print screens of our conversation but she refused to read them, or listen to the fact, that our room wouldn't cost 500 Euro/night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is &lt;strong&gt;how can I de-escalate the situation if it happens again?&lt;/strong&gt; This seems to happen quite often. Telling her the facts doesn't seem to impact her perception of the situation, like it's already fixed forever in her mind. Asking her if she is drunk is obviously not a way to do that, but I did that after some arguing, after I became angry too. Thought about simply not responding to her for an hour or so, but I just can't let it go when someone doesn't understand my explanation or disregards my reasoning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IIRC this thing happened like 4 times in our relationship. Considering myself quite rational it affects me badly. After the initial refusal, I admit if I made a mistake and apologize. She has a different personality, she'd rather try to explain and defend her position, but then laugh at herself realizing her argument is incredible, this happened multiple times. I wouldn't mind her not saying, only realizing she was wrong, as long as she doesn't cling to false statements so strong. We have been together for 8 months. I don't feel this thing happens like each day, but every 2 months seems a bit too often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Typically after such fights we don't speak for some short time, it seems like time solves the problems... I usually try to talk about the fight, but occasionally she shuts it down with a &amp;quot;you just look for arguments&amp;quot; sentence. Sometimes she knows she was wrong, sometimes she doesn't. If she doesn't, she can't take any criticism at all. Other than this thing I like her and our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't remember having any conflict right before this argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; We decided on going on this trip lately, so there weren't lots of free places to choose from.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt; 500 Euro/night&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;3&lt;/sup&gt; The thing I &amp;quot;accused&amp;quot; her during this argument is misunderstanding my messages and the cost of the accomodation. I'm under the impression she isn't aware of the real meaning of &lt;em&gt;accustaion&lt;/em&gt;. E.g. asking her if she has charged her phone before going out is &amp;quot;accusing&amp;quot;. I guess she is thinking I'm ready to blame her if she hadn't. I've tried talking to her about this issue before, but she didn't seem to get my point.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20956" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-05-28T19:00:42.630" Title="How can I make my girlfriend not to get fixated on false facts and listen for reasons?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="14" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17642" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-16T12:21:06.820" Score="18" ViewCount="3602" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I currently live with my family, in a fairly sizeable house. My sister also lives at home, as does her boyfriend who has grown to be my closest friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of our main hobbies is mechanical work on cars and motorbikes. We both have a lot of basic tools, but each of us has a number of specialist tools that it makes no sense to have multiples of (and some materials too). One of us owns them, and in the past we've been pretty good at just sharing their use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Developments&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, I've noticed my friend has become more and more cagey about lending me his tools. He's naturally more protective of his stuff than I am, and a few instances have built up of people borrowing his tools and either losing them or them coming back broken (same thing happens to mine every now and again, but I find it easier to let this stuff go). I haven't been as good as he has about replacing stuff I've broken or lost of his in a timely manner, which is something I plan to change. This is probably a contributing factor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All came to a head recently when he fitted a key-latch to his garage (as much to just keep the doors shut as to lock everyone out). I mentioned that it'd mean if we wanted to borrow one of his tools it'd be more effort for him to come and unlock it, so would he be happy with that, given how freely and happily I share my tools.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His response was &lt;em&gt;'Fine, I won't use your tools then'&lt;/em&gt;, and has since made comments that make it clear he's still angry about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Additional Points&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On average, I have more specialist tools than he does (and the tools I have will be more expensive for him to purchase). He also uses more of my materials than I use of his. From a purely objective perspective, he has more to lose.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know he's more protective of his stuff than I am. I make sure not to ask to borrow any tools I own myself, and am very careful to always ask before borrowing anything. The former he holds to, but I'm not so sure about the latter (I don't really pay attention to it, so it may be that he does but I don't register it).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I specifically make a point of not counting favour/reciprocation as that way bad relationships lie. I share my stuff because I like him, he's my friend, and I want him to be happy. It hurts me that it feels like this feeling is not reciprocated. To try and get away from the whole 'counting' thing, I tend to focus more on attitude when asked than volume.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The resistance to sharing &lt;em&gt;feels&lt;/em&gt; childish to me. I try to see things from his perspective (he's a young man currently living with his girlfriend's family, likes to have his own stuff, probably going through the whole 'carve your niche' process young adults go through, and is probably feeling a bit hemmed in and not being able to find somewhere that's his own space). So the feeling of childishness could well just be different perspectives.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I best communicate with my friend that sharing of specialist tools is both within our mutual interest, and not doing so will needlessly incur significant financial burdens on both of us and makes me feel hurt?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having read a number of IP threads on communication, my current plan is to have a convo about how his actions make me feel hurt and try to steer away from any examples of 'counting'. For one, I just don't give a toss if it's unbalanced in those terms. Secondly, it might just avoid any knee-jerk &lt;em&gt;'Fine, I'll just use my stuff and you use yours'&lt;/em&gt; reactions as that way everyone loses. I'll probably try to end with &lt;em&gt;'If that will really make you happier then we can do that, but it does make me feel a little hurt'&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not so sure on the last phrase as it feels a little manipulative, but it's an honest descriptor of cause-and-effect. Not sure what's more valuable in this case...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19586" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T08:45:56.097" Title="How can I talk to my friend about reciprocal sharing?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17643" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17642" CreationDate="2018-08-16T13:03:55.483" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what you've said, my initial reaction is to see your friend's point of view. He isn't unusual in wanting to protect his expensive possessions, and it isn't as if he has been &quot;over-protective&quot; of them from the outset. He has toughened-up his stance in direct response to some of them being lost or broken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, your attitude is very admirable. It seems like you want to make peace; you value his friendship; you have more tools and so it doesn't appear that this is all about what you can get out of the arrangement; and most importantly you have acknowledged that you haven't been timely in putting the losses of his tools right and you want to fix that. When I say that I see your friend's point of view, I certainly don't mean you are in the wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every friendship is different, and what works for one friendship doesn't always work in another. Some friends live in each other's pockets, as the saying goes, and never fall out. For many though, some boundaries actually help the friendship thrive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You obviously have lots of things in common with your friend, who you describe as your closest, but you are very different in your attitude to your belongings. He may be a little uptight about them, whereas you describe yourself as much more laid-back about things lost or broken. Those two personality types clash. Even if you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; break or lose his tools, your attitude alone will make him think you don't take things seriously enough to take care of them. I would say that a boundary in this area is needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise you to accept his new limitation, and by your actions show that you respect it. See, if he believes that you aren't as responsible with his tools as he has been with yours, showing that you accept his decision will go some way to proving that you aren't as reckless as he might believe you to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can, maybe it is time to try and build up your tool collection so that you don't need to rely on his - so long as you don't put the cost before anything more important. You will probably find that your friendship works better when you are independent in this way. The situation you currently have where you live in the same house as your sister's boyfriend is unlikely to last forever anyway. Eventually you will get places of your own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the friendship, you have a choice of either speaking to him about it &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt;, or just letting it lie and perhaps addressing it &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; and when &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; brings up the subject of borrowing tools.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really feel like the friendship has been damaged, or that he is angry and you feel like this needs fixing straight away, you could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really sorry about the situation with the tools. If I broke/lost any I'd like to replace those for you, and I will as soon as I can. I respect your decision to stick to our own tools in future. The most important thing to me is that we are still friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, if things just cool down naturally now that you are sticking to your own tools, you may choose to just leave the conversation, but make sure you continue to treat him normally and as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he actually brings up the subject, perhaps asking to borrow one of your tools, you again have a choice - you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; &quot;lead by example&quot; and let him borrow your tools. It might make him realise he has been a little unfair. Or, if the reciprocal arrangement really matters to you, you could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm happy for you to borrow my tools. I'm a little sad that you don't trust me with yours anymore though. Our friendship is very important to me. Do you think it would be better if we kept to our own? Or is there a way you could trust me again so we can share?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-08-16T13:09:27.543" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T13:09:27.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17644" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17635" CreationDate="2018-08-16T13:07:28.157" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every exercise class I've ever been in as an adult, the instructor has given out alternatives.  For example, if we have a station that is pushups, she'll demo the full pushup, then show doing it on your knees, then say that if pressure on your wrists are a problem, here's yet another alternative.  That's the professional approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the leader of the running group isn't doing this, &lt;strong&gt;she is not being professional&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; do an exercise or stretch that you believe will or might injure you, or that gives you pain that you think is damaging your body.  Don't be afraid to simply speak up and say &quot;I have a problem with my ..., what would be a good alternative&quot;.  If the instructor won't give you an alternative, pick your own.  If the instructor calls you out, clearly say that what she is asking for will injure you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once took tennis lessons from a woman a couple of years out of college.  She was an amazing player who was thinking of getting on the pro circuit, but she had spent a few years recovering from wrist injuries due to her college coach insisting that she &quot;play through pain&quot;.  Don't be like her.  You know your body, and what is constructive pain, and what is destructive pain.  Listen to your body.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T13:07:28.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17645" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-16T14:47:01.633" Score="106" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are probably a lot of issues at play with your girlfriend and relationship which I'm not picking up on well, but there are a few things I took from reading your question which might be of use:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For de-escalating a situation that has already begun:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Proactively assume responsibility for miscommunications&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communicating well is not a matter of stating true facts (though that is important). It is about expressing things that are accurate in a way that the other party will understand. It is common, in my personal experience, for technically-minded people (like engineers) to only focus on the accuracy of their statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially if your girlfriend feels that your tone is often accusatory it might be good to present things as mistakes you made in expressing information, not failures on her part to understand it. Always placing the blame on her for misunderstandings can easily feel accusatory, particularly when you are in fact making an accusation (such as when you state that she &lt;em&gt;deliberately&lt;/em&gt; misinterpreted your use of the phrase &quot;free room&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think I was unclear when I said 500 Euros. That's what &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; decent hotel rooms cost. I chose this hotel because it's less expensive and costs 60 Euros.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Ask her about her positions, even when you're sure they're wrong or you think you know why she thinks what she does&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easy to be dismissive when you're sure you're right, particularly when there is something like a chat log. But it can help to have someone explain why they hold a certain position, as this requires them to think about &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they think something is true and doesn't give as much room to focus on the fact that they think it's true. It will also give you specific arguments to address, rather than just endlessly repeating that you think she's wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you think it would cost 500 Euros?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Don't be dismissive, and make an effort to engage with arguments and positions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the chat segment you posted, your girlfriend clearly expresses a specific concern: &quot;What if they charge me more?&quot; Your response starts off with (2), when you ask &quot;why would they do that?&quot; but then immediately follow up with a (not very diplomatic) suggestion that she has misunderstood (&quot;Read again&quot;) complete dismissal of her concern. That the price is listed at 60 Euros &lt;em&gt;in no way addresses her stated question&lt;/em&gt; of &quot;what if they charge me more?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if her concern seems unrealistic or nonsensical to you, she has expressed that it's a worry for her. Indicating that you don't care and think she's foolish for it isn't going to de-escalate anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Stay focused on what you're actually doing&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want her to acknowledge your (accurate) position that the room will not cost 500 Euros per night. You can't really force that to happen, but the argument can stall out when you say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just don't understand why you think it will cost that much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She can explain herself, or stay entrenched and leave you wondering why. You &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; need to figure out exactly why she thinks what she does (though in some cases that may be useful). If she won't be convinced, especially if her position is irrational, further examination of her reasoning probably won't help you. For example, suggesting that she was drunk could not possibly have been productive (on this specific topic, at least) in terms of you convincing her of your point. Moving your argument on to tangential topics makes escalations more likely and does not advance your goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoiding future situations which might require de-escalation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, there are a few things you can probably do to help keep these situations from coming up so frequently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Improve your communication with your girlfriend&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This mostly overlaps with (1) above. Stating things which are true is &lt;em&gt;not enough&lt;/em&gt; to communicate well. Knowing how your girlfriend tends to interpret information, it might have been better to not say &quot;500 Euros&quot; at all-- it's a specific number which has no bearing on what your experience will actually be. Had the phrase instead been&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I did choose it because this was the only one which was rated like above 6/10 and still &lt;em&gt;reasonably priced&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;this particular misunderstanding would have been avoided.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't predict everything she might do, but if this is a common sort of problem between you then it could be the case that you are often providing extraneous information that you can predict might be misinterpreted. It's still an accurate description if you leave out &quot;500 Euros&quot;, and removes a potential point of misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communicating with a specific person involves understanding how information might be received by them, even in cases where what you state is &lt;em&gt;not wrong&lt;/em&gt;. When you want to be understood this is nearly as fundamental as speaking a common language in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Be more charitable in your interpretations of her positions, and more humble in your assumptions about your communication&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll agree that the most natural reading of your initial 500 Euro statement is as you describe. But it is not the case that it &lt;em&gt;couldn't be&lt;/em&gt; understood as expressing that the room would be 500 Euros per night (it depends on where you read the termination of the clause initiated by &lt;em&gt;and still not&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When there is a potential language issue it's even less reasonable to assume perfect clarity in how your statement will be parsed by her. For example, you seem to be assuming that your understanding of the usage of the word &lt;em&gt;accuse&lt;/em&gt; is perfect and that she simply does not understand it herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be blunt, based on this small sample of communication from you, I would lean towards agreeing with your girlfriend. Your overall tone does strike me as accusatory, even if &quot;accusation&quot; isn't the most accurate word to describe a given incident. &quot;Read it again&quot; is an accusation that she did not read it correctly, and this is the case whether or not the accusation is true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying that you &quot;can't let it go when someone doesn't understand your explanation or disregards your reasoning&quot; suggests that you are prone to driving arguments until someone explicitly acknowledges that you are correct. That, plus a seeming reliance on the technical accuracy of your wording and &quot;telling them the facts&quot; sounds like argumentativeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are fine with communicating this way but it sounds like your girlfriend is not. She may well be overly sensitive about this, either in general or as a result of experience interacting with you specifically, but either way your experiences are likely to be better if you try some modifications to your approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-08-16T17:30:01.783" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T17:30:01.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-16T14:47:44.677" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Clearly she does not think she is wrong, nor she takes a moment to understand you. And we cannot blame her for that, it could be a habit or how she was brought up, but you can play a part in helping her change that. For now, let's just associate it with a stubborn mindset and bad habit...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When such things happen, first thing, stay calm, cool down, do not ever get heated up or argue, arguring or esclating the situation almost never helps. Next time, just point the facts to her, and just walk away/ignore her for a short period of time. Hopefully she will eventually realise something is wrong and turn to the facts. Some people are stubborn or refuse to accept they are wrong, so fighting back never helps, so just let them be, just ignore her, let her cool down, let her self reflect, it is better for you, it is better for her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she is your girlfriend, she loves you, it means she enjoys talking and spending time with you, but everytime she refuses to look at facts and fight back, you can take that away from her temporarily, not as a form of punishment, but for her to remind herself that she needs to accomodate and work with you to make things happen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, my suggestion is to let her think for herself, you can just take a step back everytime such things happen. Present the facts, walk away for a while. Do not need to say or do anything else... You mentioned when she does not know she is wrong, she will not take criticism, that is her pride and dignity stopping her, she refuses to be verbally attacked because she thinks she is right. So you do not need to argue nor critcise her, just let her self reflect. Sometimes, the best things happen when one is in a calm state of mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19280" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T14:47:44.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17642" CreationDate="2018-08-16T14:50:11.557" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is too much of an answer to be a comment, but it's also similar enough to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/17642/how-can-i-talk-to-my-friend-about-reciprocal-sharing/17643#17643&quot;&gt;Astralbee's answer&lt;/a&gt; that I won't rehash some of the things that were already said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I would like to add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No one has ever &lt;em&gt;gained&lt;/em&gt; trust, by &lt;em&gt;expecting&lt;/em&gt; trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the point in your post that I take as being the most likely source of contention:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I mentioned that it'd mean if we wanted to borrow one of his tools it'd be more effort for him to come and unlock it, so would he be happy with that, given how freely and happily I share my tools.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You basically told your closest friend that you expect his trust, because you trust him, and while I think he could have responded more maturely, I wouldn't go so far as to say his reaction was childish, just more, young-adultish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quid Pro Quo doesn't make for healthy relationships, and you basically asked for a favor by saying &quot;because I did you a similar favor.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/pop-psych/201501/quid-pro-quo&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;There's a Psychology Today article that speaks about this in detail.&lt;/a&gt; However, one of the key things it talks about and is relevant here is that imagine if you invited your friend over for dinner. You made them dinner, and at the end they pulled out their wallet and asked how much they owed you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't doubt your intentions at all, you sound very sincere in your request, but I feel like it's very important to realize how this &lt;em&gt;possibly&lt;/em&gt; came off to your friend in an effort to repair that relationship. I won't advise you on what to do at this point, but it seemed to me like there was such a glaring exclusion about why your friend might have been upset that it was worth throwing up as an answer. Do with it as you feel is appropriate from other answers once you decide what course of action you want to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13051" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T02:34:54.460" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T02:34:54.460" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-16T15:48:58.777" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem that you describe might be more an issue of communication using a chat instead of real problem of your girlfriend. If you can't have a chat by phone or face to face, try the following when you have a chat by text with her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to avoid ironies, because when you read an irony, is hard to realize that is a joke instead of a true statement. When you said &quot;and still not a hotel room for 500 Euro/night&quot; is quite easy to get fixated to the number stated there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Once she is confused about the issue, you apologize saying that it was your mistake in the communication. Avoid blaming her because she did not read the right thing. You can say &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;My mistake, ignore that I said earlier. The correct information is the following...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she gets mad, read again what you said, because probably she was offended by something else, phrases like &quot;Please stop saying this&quot; or &quot;Read again&quot; can be interpreted like harsh words. So be sure to apologize before continue with the conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20341" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-08-16T16:01:26.107" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T16:01:26.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17650" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-16T15:53:01.933" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe you should have talked about the room and the money before reserving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And just my opinion: you are completely ignoring what she wants, “stop saying this“ “what are you talking about“ “read again“. I think neither her nor you are the victim in that conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying she's being reasonable here, I'm saying you aren't either. To me, this conversation is not about her paying the complete bill or anything that you said. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A relationship is &lt;strong&gt;per definition&lt;/strong&gt; loaded with feelings. Those feelings work like an amplifier. &lt;strong&gt;In both directions&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some misunderstandings are normal. But in my opinion, the skill you need is to listen what she says instead of enforcing and reiterating your opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually, that's a very important skill in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how do you deescalate? Take a deep breath and then start searching for the real problem. You booked a room she thought wasn't cheap enough. Or maybe she had around 500€  on her account and didn't want to go near 0. I don't know. The problem is, neither do you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: &lt;strong&gt;Don't argue, listen!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7470" LastEditorUserId="7470" LastEditDate="2018-08-19T09:33:38.453" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T09:33:38.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17651" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17653" CreationDate="2018-08-16T15:56:54.507" Score="49" ViewCount="8349" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a high functioning autistic woman and I recently went to a meet up for other autistic people and met a guy. I let him add me on facebook and we talked a little bit and he tried to ask me out almost immediately which I rejected by saying I didn't want a relationship. We went back to having a fairly normal conversation after that, but he started repeatedly telling me I'm attractive and it's making me really uncomfortable. I'm starting to get really scared and I don't know how to respond. I have no experience with dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like I just don't want to be friends with this guy or talk to him anymore. I don't think he has many friends, but we don't really have a lot in common except our autism. I don't want to crush this poor guy by just saying he's scaring me so I can't talk to him anymore so I don't know how to respond. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way that I can politely reject him while minimally hurting him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20960" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T23:12:51.000" Title="How can I politely reject someone's advances?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17651" CreationDate="2018-08-16T16:06:52.837" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since the guy is autistic, he may not understand what's wrong in this behavior. However, intentional or not, I believe the behavior itself could still feels like harassment for you. I am in no way suggesting that you need to tell the guy this, or act on it in any way, e.g. report it. In my opinion, it's perfectly acceptable for you just to be completely up front with him: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You are making me uncomfortable, and you need to stop now. I gave you my answer and it's not going to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also remember that even if you put lots of effort into being nice and respectful, you cannot control whether he feels hurt or upset. It is absolutely not your responsibility to protect him or go out of your way to be nice to him if you are polite and respectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also consider blocking him on Facebook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastEditorUserId="20493" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T16:12:51.507" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T16:12:51.507" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17653" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17651" CreationDate="2018-08-16T16:58:46.297" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer:  I am also autistic (high functioning).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you are a bit higher functioning than the person you describe, which may be part of the problem.  As you know, we have a spectrum disorder which is diagnosed by meeting criteria from several categories and to varying degrees.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you've learned, just having the autism in common doesn't mean you have much else in common, and sometimes even the flavors of autism don't jibe well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that, the problem sounds like he is mistaking social cues. If you want to maintain a friendship with this person, be very direct and say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Please don't comment on my appearance, it's not appropriate and it makes me uncomfortable.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be direct, be firm and leave no room for ambiguity.  He may have it in his head that he's complimenting you and may not be able to judge the social context. I know that I run into problems myself with the connotations of words and can say inappropriate things myself, so I can see how someone could get into this innocently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your consideration for his feelings is admirable, BTW.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just don't want to be friends with this person any longer try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dave, I'm sorry but outside of the autism, I just don't have anything in common with you.  I just don't see any connection, even at a friend level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See how that works.  If he still doesn't get it, then you may have to make it a bit stronger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dave, you're a good person, and I don't have anything against you, but I do not want to be friends with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then let it rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still persists, then you may need to take a stronger stand, and even block him from social media if need be, but use the minimum force you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES (he may not understand).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;State clearly your intentions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take progressively strong measures.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Let him know that he's making you feel uncomfortable, and why.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-08-16T23:04:52.217" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T23:04:52.217" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17654" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17695" CreationDate="2018-08-16T17:09:45.383" Score="4" ViewCount="936" Body="&lt;p&gt;This woman bought the duplex we rent a couple months ago. We live in the upper, she lives in the lower. She and her girlfriend seem to sleep in the room directly below mine and I can often hear them talking, laughing, and walking around late into the night, even until 1am sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not like they are &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; loud; just loud enough that I've been having trouble sleeping or going to sleep. I don't believe they think they are being loud enough to bother me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has a young adopted daughter that has had a couple sleepovers with a friend in the past, and they were much louder at that time (and stayed up even later). Both times this happened I politely confronted her about it and asked if she could be quieter. She seemed unwilling to compromise at those times and the kids were still loud after I talked to her. (This has not happened recently.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of her uncooperative nature the last time I brought up a much &lt;em&gt;worse&lt;/em&gt; noise issue, I doubt whether she would help me out this time. It's probably worth mentioning that we have been looking for another place to live even before she bought the place, and we hope to move soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The past couple nights they've interrupted my sleep and while I don't want to be a jerk about the noise, it's also affecting my health and my performance at work now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would consider earplugs except that I suffer from tinnitus and wearing earplugs just seems to amplify the ringing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does it seem like there's some way I can approach her about this problem? If so, how?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20965" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-17T14:32:46.160" LastActivityDate="2018-12-17T14:32:46.160" Title="My new landlord tends to stay up late and make a bit of noise, my sleep is suffering" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-16T18:11:24.067" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's what I think is likely happening: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's very uncomfortable with using her account to pay for the room. When she says it's going to cost her €500, she's essentially describing her emotions about paying for the room. In her mind, she's not exaggerating the cost; she's accurately expressing her feelings, which matter to her more than the money. Her feelings about it are that big. Consider this a figurative use of language on her part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She feels that she shouldn't be involved in the finances. As a grown man in his late twenties, you should be able to handle a simple thing like this on your own without coming to her for help. Women don't like dependent men. They're not crazy about women being dependent on them either, but you're the one she's in a relationship with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no reason for her to be involved. Just open an account in Euros. You'll need one anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's not actually being crazy here. Rather than expressing her concerns directly and plainly, she's merely alluding to them in a way that seems weirdly indirect and crazy &lt;em&gt;to you&lt;/em&gt;, but the underlying concern is legitimate and it's how she communicates. You'll certainly never talk her out of it. You can say &quot;You're being a little nuts there, babe&quot;, but say that in an affectionate way and don't make an issue of it. Go ahead and open your own account in euros. This won't be the last time you'll need one. She doesn't want to have to tell you what to do; you're an adult, you're supposed to figure it out for yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many, many times over the years, with a fair number of women, I have found that they will balk like this and give me a lot of &quot;crazy&quot; objections that make no sense &lt;em&gt;to me&lt;/em&gt;. When that happens there's always a real underlying reason that makes a very great deal of sense, but they don't want to talk about it for whatever reason (occasionally it's something bad, but usually it isn't). My instinct is to push ahead and disregard &quot;crazy talk&quot;, but I've found that it's a good idea to try to figure out what the real reason is. If it matters that much to her, there's a good chance it's genuinely important. Don't argue logically with the weird &quot;€500&quot; stuff. That's got nothing to do with anything. Maybe the real reason is something you can talk her out of or just bulldoze over, maybe not. Not in this case, I don't think. &lt;em&gt;Do not&lt;/em&gt; take this as a blanket suggestion to give girls whatever they want when they act upset: They rarely give you any solid hints about what they actually do want (they may not even know), and they may not deserve it anyway. Figure out the real issue and make the best decision you can. Sometimes &quot;no&quot; &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; the right answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I think she is very bothered by the fact that you seem unable or unwilling to resolve this issue without depending on her resources.&lt;/strong&gt; Women do not like it when men are dependent on them. She doesn't want to be your mother. She likes you, she doesn't want to come out and say what bothers her. She doesn't want to say anything that suggests her boyfriend is weak or helpless. But nevertheless she has alarms jangling in her head and she can't ignore them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Whatever the reason, she is telling you as clearly as she can that she will not go on this trip on those terms.&lt;/strong&gt; At the very least, the terms have to change for her to go. Maybe she won't go anyway -- if you arrange to handle all the expenses yourself and she still makes excuses not to go, you've got a much bigger problem. You can't force her to go and you should not try, even if the terms were absolutely reasonable by anybody's standards. If she were being genuinely unreasonable, I'd advise you to go without her. But I don't think that's the case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Women are much less inclined to say what they mean in plain simple language than men are, and they are infinitely less inclined than male engineers. That will remain true whether you like it or not. Learn to work around it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, at your age relationships are usually fragile and temporary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a little bit curious about the other incidents where you thought she was &quot;acting crazy&quot;. If I where you, I'd think back over them in detail and try to figure out what her real motivation might have been. Maybe she's basically an unreasonable person, maybe not, I don't know. What you described in your question sounds like a basically reasonable girl who doesn't know how to deal with what you're saying.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(An earlier version of this answer assumed that she was being completely unreasonable, but on reflection I don't believe that was the case). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4561" LastEditorUserId="4561" LastEditDate="2019-05-28T19:00:42.630" LastActivityDate="2019-05-28T19:00:42.630" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17660" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17654" CreationDate="2018-08-16T18:36:30.863" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Side Note: I'm not a specialist in housing laws&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, I'm sorry for your situation. It seems you're attempting a pacifist approach, which is commendable. However, if your landlord was not receptive to the first polite request, she may not be receptive to any following requests. Therefore, you may need to utilize the law/your lease agreement to try to limit her noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sublease Agreement&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience (though this could possibly change), most leasing contracts have noise rules. For example, my current lease does not allow loud noise past the city noise ordinance, which is 9 PM. If your contract contains certain guidelines, and if she's breaking these rules, you can politely point out that she's violating the terms of her own contract/city laws:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi Alice, sorry to bother you again, but you and your family were very loud again last night and it affected my sleep again. In my lease contract, I agreed to not make any loud noise past 9PM, and I would really appreciate it if you also respected those rules.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest not calling a noise complain to the police unless it's a very last resort. Not only will this further strain your relationship with your landlord, but this could spark vindictive behavior on their part. Not to assume the worst of her, but she may resort to purposefully causing more noise at night, denying you utility services, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of these suggestions work or you choose not to follow this advice, you may need to stick it out until you find another housing option. Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T18:36:30.863" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17634" CreationDate="2018-08-16T18:42:31.500" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was about the age that your boyfriend is, I also had trouble saying no to friends. I'm generally a helpful person, but I dislike not being acknowledged for the help I give. Sadly, a number of my friend were selfish to the point when they expected money from me and I had trouble even saying no to that. These were &quot;alcohol meat friends&quot; to use a Chinese saying that only stick around if you give them things (or do things for them), but never gives back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was also my girlfriend that helped me realize what was going on and gave me the courage to challenge my friends. I found that many &quot;friends&quot; only stuck around because I said yes to everything. When I started saying no, they started disappearing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's part of growing up and this knowledge comes with time. I recommend being a supportive girlfriend and continue to coach your boyfriend that he deserves better than what he is getting.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T18:42:31.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-16T20:24:55.973" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Before up/down voting this answer please read the disclaimer at the bottom of this answer.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You claim to be logical but you are not acting logically. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most humans are not logical thinkers. You might be higher than normal in logic. Your girlfriend, judging from her actions in your question, appears to be very illogical/emotional. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first answer is, stop expecting your girlfriend to behave logically. If this is a deal breaker for you in your relationship then first consider all of the non-logical things about her you like most. You might find what you desire in your life is someone who is less logical than you. You might even find it exciting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop treating your girlfriend as your equal. Unless she has made an oath of commitment to you (such as a marriage vow) she could leave you tomorrow. &lt;strong&gt;Therefore you do not equally bear the burden for her decisions.&lt;/strong&gt; If she chooses to spend too much of your money, and then you break up a year from now how would you feel about that trip? You'd be carrying an unfair share of the burden for the trip. You might feel cheated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not put yourself in situations where her lack of reasoning and communication skills can hurt you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not allow yourself to get worked up when she get's worked up. Remain calm. Do not respond to every statement. This isn't a debate because she is not logical, you are. If anything, consider an emotional response, one not even involving words. Sometimes that's silence, sometimes a sound, sometimes a hug, etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now lets look at this from a new angle, she is not your committed better half but a temporary friend, and she is illogical (but you like that about her). &lt;strong&gt;How would you approach the situation in your question differently?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might let her explore travel options. You might listen carefully and attentively to her desires. Would you let her handle the logistics? Would you let her book a room you have to pay for? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if she pitched a fit because she did not get what she wanted? How would you react?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to a happy relationship is to recognize that a person is not who you want them to be but how they act. You cannot change another person, you can only do what you perceive to be the right thing. When you are committed to someone it is different than dating (no matter how long). Sometimes people in relationships change their behavior because of a good example set by the other person, but they rarely change the core of their character. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Begin a period of detached observation. Given certain stimuli, how does your girlfriend respond? Look more at the action than the words. Then think logically how to proceed effectively in your new environment with facts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;DISCLAMER: &#xA;This answer comes from a different operating model than many others will. My advice is unorthodox, however I've been married for 15 years and no longer have situations like these. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you disagree with my answer because of some notion about how things &quot;should be&quot; please understand that my answer is pragmatic and based upon my personal life experience not on your personal ideals of right/wrong good/bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20971" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T20:24:55.973" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17634" CreationDate="2018-08-16T21:09:06.583" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in a vaguely similar position, where I was given good advice, which I knew was good advice, but was unable to act on it because the root reason for my actions was not generosity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say I'm worried my roommate will lose his job because he sleeps through his alarm, so I wake him up every morning... and eventually this leads to him not setting an alarm and expecting me to wake him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling me he shouldn't be relying on me doesn't address the base issue: I don't want him to lose his job (if for no other reason than he would then be unable to pay rent... which would be worse than having to wake him up every morning). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, I shouldn't be doing it for them. Yes, they are taking advantage of me. Yes, I don't like doing it. And yes, I'm going to continue doing it (because it's the better option in my mind).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is there may be an underlying issue which is why he does what he does and that is the root issue if you want the behavior to change:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may feel indebted to them (has he known them for 10+ years? I do a lot more for long time friends)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may think they are unable to take care of themselves and if he doesn't do anything they'll fail (&lt;em&gt;If I don't clean their dorm no one will and they'll be kicked out of housing/school&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may be maintaining a social position (&lt;em&gt;I have a reputation as a reliable person and I don't want to lose that&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may just have trouble saying no to people.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to know is to ask &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;. Maybe it's simple, maybe it's not. But I never volunteered the root cause until I was specifically asked why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3633" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T21:09:06.583" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17664" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17629" CreationDate="2018-08-16T21:13:02.717" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are not a little kid any more.  You are entitled to privacy.  The rule ought to be: &lt;em&gt;if the door is closed, knock first&lt;/em&gt;.  Put a sign up if you must, but try persuasion first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start with your mum - she was your age, once upon a time, and understands better than most what being 17 is like.  Bring up the slightly exaggerated idea that you are worried what would happen if for example someone were to burst into your room while you are getting dressed and how embarrassing you would find that.  No doubt, she will have a quiet word with the rest of the family and tell them to cut it out and knock first. How effective this will be depends on the family dynamics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You then follow that up with keeping your door closed more and more, and yelling at those who don't knock first.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20974" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T21:13:02.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17634" CreationDate="2018-08-16T21:53:03.397" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;His behavior is up to him, there isn't much you can do to help him make the right choice, except to urge him to make the right choice.  (Hint, he needs to resist the urge to explain why he is saying 'no'.  Explaining is only opening him up to his friends challenging his justification.  &quot;Sorry, no I can't&quot; is all he should say)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, helping him to find a new set of friends, so he can detach himself from the leeches, might be effective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-08-16T21:53:03.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17666" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17651" CreationDate="2018-08-16T23:40:58.880" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I would recommend...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reiterate to him that you do not want to pursue a relationship with him. Be polite, but direct. Don't apologize, or feel as though you need to justify yourself. You have an absolute right to not want a relationship, and you're under no obligation to provide a reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this may seem harsh. Being direct helps avoid any confusion, and let's him know that this is your decision, and it is final.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't accept this, and continues to try to contact you, I'd suggest you just stop responding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Purely based on what you've explained in your question, I'm not sure this is exactly a harassment situation. At least not yet. However I would certainly suggest you retain any and all correspondence from this person, just in case, particularly if it's offensive. If you get abusive emails or phone messages from him, don't just delete them. If his behaviour does become problematic enough that you need to escalate to law enforcement, you will need evidence to support your claims that you're being harassed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastEditorUserId="2767" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T00:57:19.010" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T00:57:19.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17667" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-17T00:30:11.283" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this is where things started going badly wrong with that conversation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Please stop saying this, our room costs 60 Euro/night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: I can't pay 500 Euro for one night. I won't go there, it's so expensive. Cancel it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After which you said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: What are you talking about?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect she started typing her message about 500 Euro, before she saw your message clarifying the actual 60 Euro price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you then wrote that bit about &amp;quot;What are you talking about&amp;quot;, that would very likely be taken as being condescending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You were confused that she was talking about 500 Euro, but she didn't know at that point that the actual price was 60.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it's a about her getting fixated on false facts and not listening to reasoning. She was just in a panic because she thought you'd booked a 500 Euro room (understandable), and hadn't had time to read your clarification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it was really just a simple misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To prevent this happening in the future, I'd suggest that if your girlfriend writes something which seems strange or illogical, carefully check the previous messages, to see if there might be something that you wrote that could have been misinterpreted. Also don't assume the other person has seen or read every message you've written. Often people are distracted, or just busy thinking about, or starting to write the reply, that they can fail to notice an incoming message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T00:30:11.283" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17670" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17673" CreationDate="2018-08-17T04:50:29.040" Score="44" ViewCount="13652" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this friend, I could easily call her my best friend. We see each other at least twice a week usually, have travelled together etc. About 6 months ago she confessed that she has feelings for me, but I don't feel the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have any issues with the fact that she feels that way, and I'm still very keen on continuing our friendship, however it seems to be having an impact on us. I'm in a committed relationship (I'm female and bi), and whenever I mention anything involving my partner to her, she gets upset. She doesn't yell or cry or anything, but becomes very distant. I can tell that I've upset her and that in turn makes me feel awful, and every time it happens we have a 'talk' about it. It normally starts like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Oh yeah, so last night we went to that restaurant near my place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: Oh.. that's nice...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: The food was pretty good, so maybe you and I should go sometime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: Mmm...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After which she'll continue to be distant, and then for the next half hour I'm trying to remedy the situation, apologizing and telling her it's ok, that she's still important to me. She also gets upset whenever we don't see each other for more than a few days, and when we see each other again we inevitably end up having another one of these talks. We get along really well otherwise though, and we've both agreed that abandoning the friendship is not an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen the question &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12628/reject-a-close-friend-interested-in-dating-me&quot;&gt;Reject a close friend interested in dating me?&lt;/a&gt; but I feel that this is different, as I've made it very clear to her that I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, and I don't feel like she's pressuring me into one. We are very close friends, and I want to stay that way, but I do feel like it's straining our friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Up until now I've gotten by by just not mentioning my partner at all, but this is getting increasingly difficult as they become a bigger part of my life and I'm unable to talk to my friend about important things happening. I would like to be able to have a normal friendship where I'm not inadvertently upsetting her all the time, but I need to be able to talk about my life too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, she's not out. This is new for her and she has mentioned it's the first time she has felt this way about anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to help her feel better about the whole thing? Is this something that just needs time? Am I just being selfish here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20976" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T10:14:47.757" Title="How can I help a close friend get over me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;rejection&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17642" CreationDate="2018-08-17T04:56:50.220" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Respect a person's tools. Period. Full stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the first things I learned working in construction and trades was that a person's personal tools are their livelihood. While that may not be the case here, it's probably worth treating everyone's tools with that level of reverence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it may just be a tool to you, many people develop a really very serious attachment to their tools. Every tool in their garage or box has a back story. They become a bit like old friends. When you pick one up you remember all the projects you've conquered together. You remember the sweat and frustration of those really difficult jobs, and the elation of finally making some damn thing work again... Or in those really great moments, creating something with your own hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of my personal tools were inherited. They were my father's tools and I remember learning to use them with him as a child. A tool of sufficient quality to be passed from generation to generation is a precious, almost magical, thing. It may just look like a beat up old framing hammer, but it's really Mjölnir. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just trying to offer some perspective on why this tool borrowing thing is as delicate as it is.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Borrowing a tool in this context is a sacred trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to borrow a tool it had better come back in the same, or better, shape than it was when you asked for it, and it better go back to the exact spot that it was borrowed from. It can be infuriating to be in the middle of a job, and have to hunt for a tool or find it damaged. Completely flushs the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;flow state&lt;/a&gt; down the toilet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've violated this sacred trust, it's more than understandable that your friend is hurt. He's probably properly pissed off about it. Replacing a broken tool doesn't bring his friend back from the dead. He has to make a new friend of this new tool...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that we've put this situation in context. What can you do to recover the lost trust? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't ask to borrow anything for a good while. Work beside each other and let him see you taking the time to care for your kit. Make a real genuine effort to show him that you treat your tools as seriously as he treats his. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Trust is earned, that takes time and effort. It can't be expected or demanded. It can't even be asked for politely.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you re-earn his trust, and he let's you borrow something, &lt;strong&gt;be careful.&lt;/strong&gt; Know that you're using something that may be valuable to him in ways that aren't readily apparent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically... Show don't tell. Show him that you take care of your tools and that you're trustworthy enough to care for his.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T04:56:50.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17672" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17670" CreationDate="2018-08-17T05:10:30.547" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can help her get over you, by not trying to remain friends with her, at least in the short term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her feelings for you are not the same as yours for her, and this will always cause angst, until she resolves these feelings, which takes time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to continue the friendship too soon, without giving her enough time away from you, could lead to resentment, and harm the friendship long term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The jealousy is a clear indicator that she is not in a place yet emotionally where she can be friends with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will need to get to a point where she can comfortably see you in the arms of your significant other, and not feel jealous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastEditorUserId="2767" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T07:37:02.857" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T07:37:02.857" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17670" CreationDate="2018-08-17T05:49:38.777" Score="61" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like your friend is in love with you. Despite it being an unrequited love, and you being plain about that, it's going to be hard for her to turn those feelings off. Seems like she's entertaining the idea that you two will be together some day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not being selfish and it's probably going to take time. But it's not something that you can really help her with, beyond not accommodating the fantasy. By not accommodating the fantasy, I mean, don't avoid talking about your relationship. Don't treat her differently than you would any other close friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best friends in the world is someone that I dated once upon a time. Shifting the frame of the relationship took time and effort, it was hard to talk about our new relationships for a while, but eventually it became something of a focal point in our friendship. We know each other really very well in a romantic context, so we're sort of uniquely qualified to offer each other relationship advice. (Not a one for one comparison to your situation, just pointing out that it's possible to get over the feels.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that may help the situation, is to have a sort of &quot;break-up&quot; conversation with her. I know you two never dated, so it may seem odd, but bear with me... Rather than avoiding uncomfortable conversation, steer into the curve. Have a direct conversation about what you're noticing and how it's detrimental to your friendship. Start with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, it seems like you're really uncomfortable hearing about my relationship. I need to be able to talk to my best friend about this stuff, but it feels like I can't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Putting your cards on the table will probably be uncomfortable, but it's kinda necessary if you two are going to get past this stuff. It's what friends do, ya'know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may need some time to process her feelings, she may need some space to do that, but avoiding the issue isn't going to help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As this is her first serious same sex crush... Things are likely going to be a little harder for her. She feels safe with you. Safe enough to take a pretty big step into being queer, and that changes things a bit on her end... You still gotta do what you gotta do, but please be gentle. Rejection in this situation is a little more fraught.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remember my first crushes in my journey. Once you've exposed your stuff to someone, and you're not really at a point of self acceptance... It's easy to get hung up on them. As if they're the only fish in the sea. The only person who knows you and accepts you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, in these cases, please be gentle, but be honest. Being honest means being completely honest and not shielding them from the truth, but it also means doing a little hand holding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have an opportunity to help them find their way in their journey. Makes for some really deep meaningful friendship stuff. Show them the ropes when you're able, and they're ready to hear it. Remind them that you're not the the only fish in the sea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Damn... This is hitting close to home...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess, just be the person you wish you had when you were first figuring this stuff out for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T05:49:38.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17675" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17642" CreationDate="2018-08-17T08:27:29.807" Score="6" Body="&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Replace his lost or broken tools.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently he has a real (meaning physical, like in real estate) complaint against you.  You've lost or broken some of his tools without replacement.  Rectify this by purchasing replacements.  Also, when you think you've finished, ask him if that's everything.  He may remember things that you've forgotten.  And it may be the things that you've forgotten that really bother him.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Offer to share your tools without reciprocation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also has an emotional complaint against you.  When he took an action that made your life more difficult, you implied that it was unreasonable.  In order to fix the relationship, you should do something for him.  The next time he needs a tool that you have that he doesn't, offer to loan him your tool.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Casually mention that you need a tool that he has that you don't.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he offers to let you borrow his tool, great.  You've rebuilt most of the relationship.  If he doesn't, then either borrow the tool from someone else or buy your own.  You have more work to do.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I numbered these because order is important.  Also, don't expect to run them all together.  This week, you might replace his tools.  Next week, he might mention or otherwise indicate that he needs a tool that you have that he doesn't.  The week after that, you might be able to drop a casual mention of a tool that you need into the conversation.  Maybe.  Don't be afraid to put it off.  Loan him multiple tools without reciprocation if necessary.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I say casual, I mean casual.  Don't imply that it would be helpful if you could borrow his tool.  Mention it as if you don't know that he has that tool.  E.g. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm planning to pull my spark plugs.  I don't have a long socket for that.  I wonder if I can borrow one from [some other friend] or I might have to buy one.  Are you interested in taking a trip to [the local tool store]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please ignore any lack of truth in that example.  Perhaps that is entirely the wrong tool or task.  You'd know better what would be the right one.  And the wording should be yours, not mine.  Consider writing this down ahead of time so that you know exactly what you want to say and don't accidentally imply that he should loan you the tool.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't offer to let you borrow the tool, then clearly you have more work to do to earn his trust.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You describe yourself:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find it easier to let this stuff go&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple things.  You say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;On average, I have more specialist tools than he does (and the tools I have will be more expensive for him to purchase). He also uses more of my materials than I use of his. From a purely objective perspective, he has more to lose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The resistance to sharing feels childish to me. I try to see things from his perspective (he's a young man currently living with his girlfriend's family, likes to have his own stuff, probably going through the whole 'carve your niche' process young adults go through, and is probably feeling a bit hemmed in and not being able to find somewhere that's his own space). So the feeling of childishness could well just be different perspectives.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not to be harsh, but to encourage introspection, I think that these are cases where &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are not letting stuff go.  If his actions hurt him more than you, that's his problem.  It's not yours.  If he's being childish, that's his problem.  It's not yours.  So if you do decide to have a feelings talk with him, avoid these feelings like the plague.  Expressing these kind of feelings is the problem, not the solution.  It would be better to express them openly than in the passive/aggressive way that you have.  E.g. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I mentioned that it'd mean if we wanted to borrow one of his tools it'd be more effort for him to come and unlock it, so would he be happy with that, given how freely and happily I share my tools.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But better not to express them at all.  You unintentionally insulted him with this.  Telling him that he's being childish and not looking out for his own best interests would just insult him again.  When you talk about your feelings, make sure that it's feelings about things that actually relate to you.  Some of what you say comes off as somewhat patronizing.  He's three years younger than you, not thirty.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before trying to express your feelings, take time to address his.  You know at least part of it.  Address that first.  Then, before trying to communicate your feelings to him, try to get him to communicate his feelings to you.  And listen to what he is saying.  Because as of this moment, it is more important to address his complaints against you than your complaints against him.  It's possible that you might have to prime the pump with something that you feel to get him to respond with how he feels.  But if he starts talking, listen and encourage him to continue.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to write out how conversations might go.  Then reread them a few times and try to see things from his perspective.  Are you being patronizing?  Are you focusing on how you feel about the results of his actions on him rather than the impact on you?  Are you making the relationship transactional with quid pro quo requirements?  If you notice problems like that, fix them.  Set the conversations down for a week and then read them again.  Do you notice new problems?  Fix them, review them, and wait another week to review them again.  Repeat until you can't find new problems.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, be honest with yourself.  Are you bothered that his actions are childish or hurt him more than you?  Or are you really just bothered that they hurt you?  It's fine to care about how things affect you.  There is no one better qualified to determine that.  But don't gloss over that with yourself.  If you do, your real feelings will keep coming through and offending him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T08:27:29.807" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17676" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17642" CreationDate="2018-08-17T08:45:56.097" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that &quot;makes me feel hurt&quot; is not a relevant or appropriate complaint, and that it's likely to further inflame the issue. He is not responsible for your feelings. He has every right to keep his tools for his exclusive use, and your implication that his doing so is a cruelty against you is not likely to help the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would approach this as a cooperative businesslike arrangement with rules. I would suggest that you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Pay him back for everything you have lost or broken. And I'd pay generously--for example, if there's a choice between replacement value or some sort of depreciated value, I'd go with replacement value.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Apologize for past delays in paying him back.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear that you will pay for any future loss or damage within, say, three days.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask him what would make him feel more comfortable about returning to the policy of mutual borrowing of tools. Perhaps a binder where you enter a note of what you've removed and note again when you return the item? An agreement that you will not touch specific tools? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he is simply not comfortable with you entering his space and borrowing tools without him, but is willing to loan you tools when he's there, accept that gratefully.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T08:45:56.097" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17677" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17629" CreationDate="2018-08-17T08:49:33.230" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, you shouldn't feel guilty or awkward to ask for a private place. As a young adult, you're starting your own life, where your parents don't tell you anymore what you should or should not do, give validation or opinion about everything, … It is therefore your right to have a personal place where you can hide your stuff and do your things (including legal and non-guilty things you don't want to share, like knitting, drawing landscapes or listening to lovely heavy metal music) where no one will disturb you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I have been in the same situation a few years ago, I would recommend you talk with your family about your wish to private space and establish clear rules. The solution I came up with is open-closed door. If you don't mind be disturbed, leave the door (wide) open. If you want to be quiet, close the door (or leave it ajar if your pet go in and out).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the door is closed, ask them to knock and wait for your signal to enter, or don't enter if you don't allow them. If they enter without knocking, point it out gently but firmly (I used to say &quot;knock knock&quot;) and ask them to go out and do it again. This will mark the mistake and create the habit to knock first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't recommend to give moments of the day when they can/can't enter, since depending on your mood you may want to have more quiet time than what was planned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case it worked pretty good after a few weeks, the time everyone get used to these new rules. My mother had a hard time dealing with it, since she is very extrovert and hates secrets, she didn't really get the point of all that business. But with some time and patience it eventually went fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20305" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T08:49:33.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17678" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-17T08:58:31.040" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner and I also don't share a native language, and misunderstandings can be frequent but we've gotten used to it by checking that the other person has understood the point being discussed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, if the initial misunderstanding has triggered an emotional response, it can be quite difficult to reason your way out of it. In your particular example, I think the point of using her Euro bank account has triggered the misunderstanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although in the past you have shared costs (or even paid for the majority yourself) that act of asking her to use her bank account has made her think she will be paying the costs... hence her defensiveness. She has stated that her money has been saved for a different purpose, and then proceeds to lessen the damage to her bank account by challenging you on the price of the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only way out of this is to be the adult in this conversation, apologise as you inadvertently caused confusion and start the conversation again by clearing stating what percentage of the costs you will cover (or if you just expect her to pay for food), and state when you will transfer Euros into her account. That way she knows what her responsibility will be, her exposure to risk is defined and you can then both talk about the fun stuff such as which Room to stay in, what Restaurants to eat at etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20982" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T10:09:25.897" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T10:09:25.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17621" CreationDate="2018-08-17T10:07:13.500" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just speak to the student, 1 on 1 quietly somewhere where there is no one around. Start by bringing up the conversation &quot;Hey I noticed you speak and listen really well, and thats amazing (bring up the strengths of the student), but you seem to struggle in writing and reading a lot more than you should have, and that is fine, but it might be due to a condition known as ....&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then suggest the course of action. Firstly, I have to applaud the teacher for at least being able to identify the situation and the potential cause, this can go a long way for helping the student. Just kindly suggest a visit to the doctor, after all there is no harm. If the student has no family members around him/her, then it would be great that someone follows the student to the doctor, since it was mentioned he/she struggles in reading and writing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The teacher can also look online for possible Dyslexia tests, I am not sure how accurate those are but it could help in clearing the situation or give us a better judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We do not want the student to be feared of the doctor or a potential Dyslexia condition, it is important the teacher tries to phrase it in a manner when speaking to the student that it is better for him/her to visit the doctor, just to find out so we can help the student. Whatever the outcome is, we should just accept it and make the best out of it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19280" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T10:07:13.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-17T10:08:39.543" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;The already top voted answer clearly tells you how to de-escalate the situation, but I'd like to add the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Pick up the phone and call her.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Looks like I'm explaining it wrong, I'll give you a call, hang on..&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Even if you believe you are explaining it correctly, you obviously are not if the person does not understand).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Online conversations lead to miscommunication more often than not. There are countless occasions I can recall where a message I sent was perceived differently than what I intended because the other person replied before I did. Emphasis is everything when communicating and it's all lost when doing so via messaging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a relationship communication is key, don't try to do it all via messaging, especially not important things like booking a holiday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just don't say something like this before you call:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Looks like you don't understand, I'll call you&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By blaming her for the miscommunication she might not want to pick up at all. Don't take the risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7297" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T10:08:39.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17681" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17683" CreationDate="2018-08-17T10:12:23.973" Score="28" ViewCount="4916" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and my partner have recently started searching for a new apartment. The reason for leaving the current one is the difficult landlady despite us being model tenants. This includes things like refusing maintenance, being invasive and rude, refusing to get paid through bank, arriving late for appointments, and tiring to communicate with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been asked why do I want to leave my current residence by some landlords of the apartments I have visited so far, and I've faced a dilemma: I really wanted to mention that the bad cooperation with the owner made me want to leave, so they know that similar behaviours will not be tolerated (and also just tell the truth), but on the other hand I think that would seem like accusing your last employer for leaving a job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far I've not been sincere and just said that we needed more space, but I don't like lying and I definitely don't want to experience a similar situation as with my current tenancy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Question:&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;I would like to be sincere when answering to them and take that opportunity to express without being misunderstood, that I really need the landlord to be reasonable and for us to have a nice cooperation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:48:36.147" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T19:48:36.147" Title="How to express my concerns to a potential new landlord?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;&lt;explaining&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17682" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17566" CreationDate="2018-08-17T10:19:32.653" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that making this recommendation would very likely end both your friendship and your professional relationship with Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are things that adults just can't get away with, with regard to other adults, and I think that this is one of them. In particular, the offer to forgive the debt if he gets budget help feels very much like a parent rewarding a child. Just as you wouldn't offer to cut his meat, comb his hair, tie his shoes, or buy him an ice cream cone as a reward for brushing his teeth every day, I don't think that you can make this offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if Bob earns 200K+, I doubt that his problem is as simple as budgeting incompetence. His money woes are probably related to some pretty entrenched habits--maybe a shopping addiction, maybe a gambling addiction, maybe an issue with drugs--and your entering this private area of his life is likely to threaten whatever veil of secrecy he has around those habits. If the issue is his wife, that further increases the odds of the destruction of your relationship with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He owes you money. The best way to deal with this is, IMO, to require him to pay you. I think that it's unwise to tack this amount on the next invoice, because I don't think you can count on him paying that next invoice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T10:19:32.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17681" CreationDate="2018-08-17T10:32:14.590" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;It &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a dilemma. You're worried that if you speak against your existing landlord, any potential new landlord might think &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are the problem; perhaps that your standards are impossible, and that you might cause &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; grief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; tell the truth though, there is something potentially &lt;em&gt;worse&lt;/em&gt; than your new landlord suspecting you are lying. If you act like everything is fine, then you might be playing into the hands of an equally bad landlord looking for naive tenants that don't have any standards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember the reason for wanting to move - a bad landlord. Sure, admitting you have had a problem with your existing landlord might put off some potential new ones, but only bad ones. So if anything, being honest is a filter that you want to have. You just need to phrase it in a way that shows you are not unreasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You haven't detailed any specific problems, just that they didn't cooperate with you. Let's just assume that you asked for something to be repaired - something that ought to be covered by your basic rights as a tenant in rented accommodation. When asked about your reason for leaving you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We aren't satisfied with our current property. Some essential repairs were highlighted but these were not dealt with even after a reasonable length of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't say you had a &quot;disagreement&quot;, just keep it factual, and minimal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any decent landlord will know that they have to fix basic essential things to a reasonable degree and in a reasonable length of time. If they are decent, this won't bother them. They may even boast that they always see to that kind of thing. On the other hand if they know there are loads of problems with their property that they were hoping you wouldn't notice, this lets them know you're on the ball with that kind of thing. If they don't get back to you, assume that you had a lucky escape.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not an expert in the law, but I see you are in Europe and I understand that there are laws governing rented property. Whatever your own reasons are (i.e. if it wasn't to do with repairs) you just need to phrase it in a similar factual, non-opinion-based manner (e.g. don't say something is &quot;terrible&quot;, say it &quot;doesn't meet standards&quot;, or whatever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T22:44:22.093" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T22:44:22.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17684" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17681" CreationDate="2018-08-17T10:37:01.870" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to be sincere and [...] express that I really need the landlord to be reasonable and for us to have a nice cooperation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, be sincere :) Tell them. But not in a negative way, talking about the past. Be positive when you address them with your concerns. Talk about the future and what you expect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When visiting, talking to them, about the rent and other stuff, mention what you need:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm pretty sure that you're seeking for &quot;&lt;em&gt;model tenants&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, and you're right about that. I'm also pretty sure we'll be above your expectations (maybe talk about being quiet, clean, paying the rent on time ...etc). And, &quot;&lt;strong&gt;in return&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;, we expect to have a very nice relationship with our landlord (you show them that YOU being nice first, you want to get something at the same level).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, explain what you need; When I was in a similar situation, I always focused and highlighted the positive parts and expectations. I would them my landlord that, if anyone complain, they let me know, and I'd take care of it (never happened, as I was like you, but it is reassuring for them to hear it). On the other hand, (nice smile and tone) I hope that you'll be able to answer any question or take care of any problem, with smooth communication and efficiency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It always worked &lt;strong&gt;when the landlord was nice&lt;/strong&gt;. But that's one thing you can't be sure from the beginning, unfortunately. Sometimes, later, I discovered that I was wrong trusting them. There's nothing you can do about that, as it's first a matter of trust when you both sign the contract.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T10:37:01.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17685" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-17T10:48:16.743" Score="13" ViewCount="16406" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother had behaviors towards me I'd consider inappropriate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when I was 17 she dropped her pants in front of me once. I knew she did this on purpose. She stayed like this for 5-10 mins when she knew I was seeing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example is when my Dad and the rest of the family were out for the evening. Only she and I were home. She called me upstairs and asked me to massage her back - she said it was itchy or something. She laid down on her stomach, unstrapped her bra and asked me to massage her back. Even if she wanted me to massage her, I don't understand why she needed to unstrap her bra.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;She did this twice to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her behavior towards me also changed when I started dating girls. She didn't like me seeing women. I think she tried to create a rift between me and them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her behavior annoys me and I think it is inappropriate. How can I ask her to stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20985" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T14:51:39.100" LastActivityDate="2020-03-31T18:12:30.077" Title="I think my mother is seducing me. How can I ask her about it?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17634" CreationDate="2018-08-17T13:01:53.357" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is not your fight, so you need a gentle hand here. Do not criticize him for his current relationship with his friends or he'll just start hiding it from you. Instead, show him what a positive relationship with friends looks like and that 'normal' relationships involve give-and-take, not just give. It may take longer to take effect than some of these other solutions, but it's a much more lasting solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19692" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T13:01:53.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17681" CreationDate="2018-08-17T13:09:57.263" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty sure that if you had issues with your landlord, that means there were underlying issues beyond their cooperation. If everything goes well, you really don't need to talk much to your landlord, so if you find them uncooperative, that means you needed something fixed which didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if they ask, talk about those rather than the landlord. There were constant issues with the heating and they never got fixed. This gives you the opportunity to focus the conversation on those points which &lt;strong&gt;were&lt;/strong&gt; the actual problem. &lt;em&gt;By the way, what kind of heating is installed?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If of course the issue is that the landlord lived just below you and found you were too noisy, well, ahem, you'd probably have to skip that one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5168" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T13:09:57.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17689" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17685" CreationDate="2018-08-17T16:06:38.990" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a tremendously difficult situation to address.  Your mother’s sexuality is not your responsibility and in many cases this could be considered assault punishable by law.  The nuances and desires for the relationship define much of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have you communicated you are not interested in participating in these activities or seeing her unclothed?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Has there been any coercement including implied guilt, shame, punishment, or removal of healthy relationship as a result of number 1?  (I.e. retaliation of rejection)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Are you without a means to get away from these behaviors?  (I.e. you live with your parents or they pay for your housing and food)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel there is any sexual inappropriateness you need to speak up against it.  It is a good idea to involve your Dad as he is her partner and sexual monogamy is usually an assumed part of the relationship.  You can let him know of the behaviors and that you are uncomfortable with them and uncomfortable talking to your mom and ask him to talk to her about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Past the above you can leave or get legal involvement.  Either way look up sexual and emotional molestation and familiarize yourself with the actual definitions.  There are usually quite a few examples and specifics so you can see where the specifics in your case line up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that the situation you describe may constitute grounds for her prosecution even if you were consenting depending on the laws of minor age and sexual conduct.  Naturally though if you go the legal route it’s much harder to have a future relationship with your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, you are not alone and this is more common than you think.  It is a violation and sick in my opinion and has potential of causing lasting sexual confusion depending on the nature of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. I hope for your sake it’s a big misunderstanding and your mother doesn’t know what she is actually doing, but you seem to already believe this is intentional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20169" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T18:31:29.540" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T18:31:29.540" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17681" CreationDate="2018-08-17T17:46:56.923" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Approach it indirectly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask the new landlord about the overall state of things in the residency and mention things of concern like hot water, cleanliness, lack of pests, etc... &gt; Be sure to cover what's currently irking you and gauge their response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then if you still have doubts, ask them to theoretically resolve a sample situation (ex. &quot;Say my residence is not getting hot water, what is the process for that?&quot;).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you can figure out if the new housing situation will work for you without exposing anything that may be of concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3639" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T17:46:56.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17691" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-17T17:51:45.703" Score="7" ViewCount="1978" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL;DR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A stranger approached me and asked me if they could use my phone. I didn't want to be rude and say no bluntly, so I wavered, and felt uncomfortable. How do I say no to strangers asking for use of my phone? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is for future reference, this happened a few days ago and I would like to know what I (and others) can do in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was waiting for a bus at a bus stop, using my phone. A person approached me and asked me if they could use my phone to make a phone call. I wasn't sure what to do so I asked &quot;to who?&quot; and they answered &quot;my brother&quot; and I said &quot;... to pick you up?&quot; at this point I wasn't really sure of whether they were telling the truth or not. I finally ended by semi-confidentially saying that my bus was arriving soon, and I couldn't do that. After repeating a few times, they walked off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this situation, I couldn't just leave the location, and I was uncomfortable around a stranger I didn't know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I tell a stranger no when they ask to use my phone for a personal phone call?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reason I am asking on here is that I didn't feel confident when I said &quot;no&quot; that time, so I would like to have knowledge about what I can say and what is considered okay to say in this setting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notes: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will not put down the appearance of this stranger, because I do not want any bias. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was outside at a bus stop, near government buildings, downtown, in a relatively small city (population ~98,100).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question is different from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/5314/how-do-i-best-handle-offering-my-phone-upon-request-without-becoming-a-phone-boo&quot;&gt;this one&lt;/a&gt; in that this is a setting where I did not indulge the stranger at all and did not want to lend the phone to the stranger at all. Additionally, I am in a more public place (on the street), not an enclosed place where social rules apply (the library). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T18:23:51.723" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T03:48:40.163" Title="How do I politely say no to a stranger asking to use my phone to make a personal call?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17693" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17691" CreationDate="2018-08-17T18:20:20.830" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;The #1 rule with saying 'no' to a stranger is to not leave any &quot;wiggle&quot; room for them to appeal to you.  With as much confidence as you can muster (avoid any hesitation in your voice), I would suggest saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Sorry, but I only loan my phone to people I know.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If&lt;/em&gt; you are familiar with the area, I would try suggesting an alternate option for them, along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;There is a gas station a block away that may have a phone you can use.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they insist, repeat your previous statement with a strong &quot;no&quot; until they give up and move along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although it may be appealing, &lt;strong&gt;I strongly discourage telling them that your phone is dead, inaccessible, or otherwise unavailable&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;em&gt;First&lt;/em&gt; of all, if they have been watching you and have seen you use your phone, they will know this is a lie and may call you out on it.  &lt;em&gt;Secondly&lt;/em&gt;, you do not want a stranger thinking that you can't call for help (should their intentions be malicious).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;: A reasonable person may be disappointed that you denied their request, but will not escalate the situation.  If someone &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; escalate the situation (threatening or harassing you for use of your phone), you should leave the scene or otherwise seek help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T18:20:20.830" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17654" CreationDate="2018-08-17T19:14:28.643" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a similar situation in an apartment that I was renting where somebody next door to me was excessively noisy (left the radio/television on all night on high volume, talked on the phone loudly until 1am, vacuumed their carpet at midnight etc...) and I had to involve the landlord. This guy had been living there for a long time (5+ years or so) and he and the landlord were friends, so my landlord basically told me that he wasn't going to do anything about it and that I would have to deal with the noise (incredibly irritating, but I really couldn't do all that much about it). My solution was to just move away. It sounds like you have already started that process, so just continue down that road.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, it is important in this situation to recognize that your relationship with this person is that you are their &quot;customer&quot;. They are providing you a product/service and you are paying them in return. Think of ways that you can leverage this relationship with that person to your advantage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;One Approach&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend talking to her about it again and to say something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I am sorry to bother you, but I am having trouble sleeping due to the noise. Would it be possible to institute quiet hours starting at [Insert Time Here] on weeknights so that I can be rested for my job in the morning?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this approach is not effective, you can come back and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have tried to be respectful about the noise issue, but I am having trouble getting restful sleep at night. If I am not able to get to sleep at night because of the noise, I may have to begin looking for another place to live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may cause her to become spiteful and intentionally make noise at night so that you have trouble sleeping, or it may motivate her to quiet down in an attempt to keep your business. It is hard to say what the response would be due to a lack of knowledge of her personality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Another Approach&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also try befriending them in an effort to create a higher degree of mutual respect. Inviting them upstairs for dinner or for a barbecue in the back yard could be a good way to resolve this situation and improve your relationship overall. If they got to know you better, they may come to respect you more and at night they might be thinking along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;OP has to be at work in the morning, we should probably be a little bit quieter&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;OP has their big presentation at work tomorrow, she is probably stressed enough as it is without us making it harder for them to rest&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc... Now, this obviously depends on their personality and your goals. It could be a lot of work to do this just to get some rest at night, but who knows? You may gain some good friends and also create a much more positive relationship with your landlord!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be a good idea to also evaluate how reasonable they are being. Is this the type of noise that would bother &lt;em&gt;anyone?&lt;/em&gt; Or is it just the type of noise that is bothersome to &lt;em&gt;you?&lt;/em&gt; Determining this can help you to decide a reasonable approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my own situation, until I was able to move away from my noisy neighbors in the apartment, I started to play some soft white noise (nature sounds, a stream running, whatever you like) from a speaker next to my bed. It was rather quiet, and I could still hear the neighbor, but it helped me sleep MUCH better. This solution may not work for you because of your tinnitus, but it helped me immensely until I was able to find another place to live. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing to be cautious of is that you want to be as polite as possible when dealing with this so you do not make the problem worse. Since they are the landlord, they are ultimately in control of the property. As long as what they are doing is not in violation of your contract, you may have no choice but to move away if their behavior does not change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Final note&lt;/strong&gt; it seems like you want to be polite and create a peaceful resolution, if you continue with that attitude, I am sure that you can both work something out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19252" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T19:14:28.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17696" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17574" CreationDate="2018-08-17T19:17:10.450" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bruce believes that the world is, at its core, a very nice, nonjudgmental place where people get along and don't criticize, and when this belief is contradicted he either refuses the evidence or withdraws into himself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These two views seem at opposition to each other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If Bruce believed that &quot;the world is a very nice nonjudgmental place&quot; then he would think that people &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; very nice and non-judgemental - people aren't mean to Bruce and judge him unfairly, instead they are always nice and offer helpful advice.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When his beliefs are contradicted he either thinks that the other person is incorrect or that he has held a mistaken belief and now the idea is shattered.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's more a matter of how he arrives at his ideas in the first place - are &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;true&lt;/em&gt; beliefs sound and logical - and how he addresses new information, positive or negative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If Bruce made a mistake that had &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt; consequences and you told him he made a great decision would he &lt;strong&gt;agree&lt;/strong&gt; with you?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If Bruce made a mistake that had &lt;strong&gt;serious&lt;/strong&gt; consequences and you told him he made a great decision would he &lt;strong&gt;agree&lt;/strong&gt; with you?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If Bruce made a great decision that had &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt; consequences and you told him he made a big mistake would he &lt;strong&gt;disagree&lt;/strong&gt; with you?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If Bruce made a great decision that had &lt;strong&gt;serious&lt;/strong&gt; consequences and you told him he made a big mistake would he &lt;strong&gt;disagree&lt;/strong&gt; with you?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's the case you need to explain the disconnect between decisions he makes and feedback he receives from others. Whether there are consequences doesn't determine if something is correct or not, nor does someone commenting upon his actions determine their validity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of those things are absolutely connected - assuming it's only when a majority of people are confirming the righteousness or wrongfulness of his actions, only then does he begrudgingly accept is also not absolute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is not automatically right or wrong, nor are other people - it's based on fact, and better decisions are based on education and experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Bruce does something once and thinks it's correct that neither means that it is in fact correct, nor always correct in every circumstance going forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That is what you need to politely explain.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are only correct if you tell him that he is correct and always wrong when you tell him he is wrong it's unclear exactly how you can open a dialogue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explaining that if he hasn't put enough thought into his decisions he will run the risk of criticism and possibly serious consequences, that should be enough - if he simply blows that off it is his right to hold that belief, that is different from being correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply explain that time will bear the truth and he may later learn the correctness and consequences of his decisions. That might encourage him to put more thought into things on his own, and rely on you less when his ideas don't turn out favorably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He believes that this incredibly competitive music school is all sunshine and rainbows. My question is, how do I convince him that some people just don't get along, and that he will receive criticism he will just have to take? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is studying music for the enjoyment of his girlfriend and himself then he's in luck. If he intends to perform publically he will have to &lt;a href=&quot;https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/face+the+music&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;face the music&lt;/a&gt;. Even highly successful musicians receive hate mail and have people whom dislike their music. Otherwise there would be one song and one musician whom was voted to play it, like in a dictatorship (but without the voting).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are correct that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; has a problem, that he accepts criticism poorly and overreacts, there may be underlying causes. For more information see: &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;narcissistic personality disorder&lt;/a&gt; (NPD) and &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oppositional_defiant_disorder#Social-cognitive_factors&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;oppositional defiant disorder&lt;/a&gt; (ODD), which are recognized in the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DSM-5&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders&lt;/a&gt;, Fifth Edition (DSM-5).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T19:17:10.450" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17697" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-17T20:21:04.193" Score="4" ViewCount="726" Body="&lt;p&gt;About a year ago I landed a great job in a field that I've been trying to get into. The problem is that most of my friends make much less than I do. Their jobs are near entry level and they don't make much more than minimum wage. Most of my friends also don't have much ambition to get careers and are satisfied with just &quot;jobs&quot;. They of course want to make more, but are too ingrained in their current situations to work towards something better. I'm not looking down on them because they work hard. It's just they work hard for very little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like to think of myself as financially literate and good at managing my money, so a good portion goes into investing/saving. However, there is still a chunk that I'd like to use towards splurges such as vacation. Naturally it'd be nice to do these thing with friends. Sometimes I front the cost, but if I always did that it would become a burden financially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure how to reconcile the differences in lifestyle my friends and I are able to live. If I want to do something that would be expensive such as traveling abroad, how can I bring it up to my friends that aren't as well off as myself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user20999" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-18T22:52:56.250" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T16:17:44.333" Title="How can I deal with a discrepancy in financial situations between friends/family and myself?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13468" CreationDate="2018-08-17T21:10:13.367" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A playful way to let them know you are not interested in gambling for actual money, but you would be interested in participating is to say something like, &quot;Are we playing with chocolates or jelly beans? Because lookout, I'm a Candy Shark&quot; then wink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they look confused, that probably means they meant money. That's your chance to say, &quot;I'm a Micro-roller, one roll of pennies is my limit.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're betting for more than candy or pennies your third option is to say, &quot;although the stakes are too steep for me,I can still play how about I be Dealer?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing else, You can still be in the room, enjoy some snacks and participate in the conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21002" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T21:10:13.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17699" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17704" CreationDate="2018-08-17T21:40:54.937" Score="13" ViewCount="770" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a slight situation arising and would like some opinions/thoughts on how to proceed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Some Backstory&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am male, in my early 20s.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have self-harmed for a number of years, and am currently a few weeks 'clean' (read: no open wounds).  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have scars on my upper-left arm and over my chest and torso. The scars are easily noticeable but not too large/deep (I have never cut deep enough to require professional medical attention). For a visual reference, think 'Aftermath of a somewhat vicious cat attack' rather than 'Geralt of Rivia'. :)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Currently, exactly 0 people know that I have self-harmed and 0 people have seen my scars.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The general reason for my self-harm is bouts of depression.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a few days I will be going on a short holiday with a group of close friends. Most of the (~8) people attending have known me for a few years. This holiday will involve some swimming, which will result in me removing my shirt and revealing my scars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an effort to be more honest with people I care about, I would not like to try and hide my scars or attempt to explain them away using a lie (although I doubt this would be possible since they are quite obviously self-harm).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I have come to accept the fact that my friends will find out about my history of self-harm. However, I would like to make the 'reveal' as easy as possible for all parties involved (where 'easy' translates to 'least awkward')&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I have no experience with people discovering this somewhat embarrassing fact about me, I am unsure on how to approach the situation. I am a very laid back person and I think most people would be genuinely surprised by the scars, even though they may not vocalise that fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My aim is to portray that I am okay with questions/comments about my scars and nothing anyone can say will 'trigger' me or anything like that. If they want to ask me questions about it, fine. If they want to say nothing and ignore the whole thing, fine also. I would hate to be treated differently and have people censor themselves around me after they find out but I can see this might be inevitable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first thought was to approach the situation head on and make a comment/joke about my scars as to show that I am not sensitive about the topic, but maybe that would cause some unnecessary awkwardness. But I also feel waiting until I am questioned about it by someone else would be less than ideal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have a secondary concern of 'triggering' someone else while talking about my self-harm. Since they have no idea that I do this, it is not out of the question that someone else in the friendship group may have a history with this themselves (or someone they love) and may not be as laid back about it as me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would love some input and thoughts about the situation I am in.&#xA;This is my first question on any SE site, so apologies if anything is off. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and have a great day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21001" LastEditorUserId="21001" LastEditDate="2018-08-17T22:52:04.887" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T07:19:55.193" Title="How to deal with friends finding out I self-harm(ed)?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17670" CreationDate="2018-08-17T22:21:46.403" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/17670/how-can-i-help-a-close-friend-get-over-me/17673#17673&quot;&gt;@apaul's answer&lt;/a&gt; as a first approach. If that's not sufficient, I have some further perspective to add.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in a VERY similar situation that your friend is in now. What I can say for my personal experience was that I would read into normal best-friend interactions as if they were romantic in nature. This was an extremely hard believe system to break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I was looking for in a relationship was quite similar to a close friendship: someone to spend time with, talk about feelings with, share aspirations and fears, etc. Despite the person with whom I was infatuated being clear about the fact that they were not interested in a relationship, I would perceive those normal interactions as &quot;hints&quot; about their &quot;true feelings&quot;. This was, of course, incorrect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like your friend, any mention of my friend being interested in another person would be met with terrible feeling from myself. It was extremely hard to deal with. Despite being very hurtful, even that wasn't enough for me to get the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that perspective, I suggest being wary of the idea that telling the friend, no matter how directly, may not be sufficient for them to get the idea. That didn't work for me, and &lt;strong&gt;may&lt;/strong&gt; not work for your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If the behavior continues after being direct with them&lt;/strong&gt;, you may need to end the friendship. I went through several years in the position of your friend, which continuously negatively impacted my mental health. It wasn't until the friendship was ended that I was forced to truly face the fact that no relationship was ever going to happen, and FINALLY move on. You may, at some point, be able to begin a new friendship, but that may not be guaranteed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, allowing your friend to stay in this sort of position is not helping them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4817" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-08-18T09:21:11.873" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T09:21:11.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17702" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17670" CreationDate="2018-08-17T22:52:21.027" Score="2" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Stop making a big deal out of it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Just continue the conversation as you normally would.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's a bit (or very) distant and you make a big deal out of it, that's going to highlight the reason she's distant, and thinking about it will probably reinforce those feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will also make her more self-conscious about it, and make it more difficult for her to give a &quot;natural&quot; response any time you mention your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such conversation also generally aren't pleasant, so regularly having such conversations could lead to her associating any unpleasant feelings the conversation itself brings with you mentioning your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't make a big deal out of it, she should become less and less distant each time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Changing the subject could help, although this would ideally involve a fairly natural transition. If it's painfully obvious that you're now changing the subject because the current subject is uncomfortable, that will lead us back to the same problem (although to a lesser extent).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This has a risk of making the problem worse, if her feelings means you can't be friends.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I'd argue this is something she needs to figure out on her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving up on your friendship instead (or putting it on hold) would, to me, imply you don't think she's capable of making decisions based on her own feelings (which is certainly possible, although I wouldn't start with that assumption). Giving up on the friendship because her behaviour as a result of the feelings is making things unpleasant for you is, however, perfectly reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This isn't &quot;avoiding the problem&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I read it, you've already spoken about this, multiple times. Continuing to do so will only make the problem worse. You don't scratch open a wound repeatedly, you leave it alone to let it heal.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If, however, you haven't made it clear that no relationship will ever happen&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... you should definitely do that first.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, do be careful about &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;reading signals that aren't there&lt;/a&gt;. &quot;Oh.. that's nice...&quot; doesn't sound particularly distant. Although you're a much better judge of whether or not she's being distant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T22:52:21.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17651" CreationDate="2018-08-17T23:12:51.000" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The biggest problem that an autistic person has is to know intuitively what another person's feelings are. That can be overcome to some degree by training (&quot;tears come out of a person's eyes then the person is likely to be sad, unless they are cutting onions&quot;), but how well that works is different from person to person. So if you rely on this young man to realise from your behaviour that you don't want to meet him, that is likely not to work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to part ways is to express yourself as clear as possible. Say to him that you will not meet him again, that you will not be friends with him, that there will never be a relationship between you. Clearly stated facts, no judgment of him, but also nothing to water the statement down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is autistic. So you want to give a message that an autistic person understands. This message achieves this, so you achieve your goal for yourself, to get rid of this person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying not to hurt the person is a noble goal (and is very much more important than being polite - being polite &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; hurt people and often does). Will this hurt the person? To the degree that he doesn't achieve &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; goal to be with you, and eventually have a relationship with you, it will hurt, and that is unavoidable. You could make it less hurtful in the very short term (&quot;we can still be friends&quot;), but that just makes it worse in the long term. For both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest advantage of an autistic person is rational thought. So what your statement means to him is that he wanted a relationship, but he won't get one, so no need to waste his time with you. Other people can be highly irrational, and might react badly to this strict approach. So don't use this approach with the wrong person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think there is no need to mention that you are getting scared, because &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; would be hurtful, without helping your case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-08-17T23:12:51.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17699" CreationDate="2018-08-18T00:14:28.467" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;This situation is probably a lot more common than most people would think. I'm having trouble pulling up solid stats, looks like most of the studies are looking at hospitalization figures or self reporting in rather small sample pools. Anecdotally I've known more than a few people who have cut, and I had a small period of burning myself many many years ago...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I applaud your willingness to be honest with your friends about it.  Coming out of the self harm closet is probably a positive sign of moving forward with your recovery. Letting others in adds a little accountability and may help you to stay &amp;quot;clean&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anywho, on to what you were actually asking about...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your scars are more noticeable you can expect some questions from folks who aren't familiar with the subject. People who haven't seen these kinds of scars may not recognize that they're self inflicted, so it's reasonable to expect a:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wow, what happened to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you ok?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where your answers will likely prompt follow up questions. If you go through with being honest you can expect some questions about &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; you self harm from more tone deaf folks. More mature friends may just leave it there, but don't be surprised if people are curious or concerned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best answer and hopefully the honest answer will be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went through some pretty hard times, but &lt;strong&gt;I'm getting help and I don't self harm anymore.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course for this to be an honest answer, you'll need to seek help from a licensed therapist if you aren't already. And you'll need to try to stay clean. I know that's easier said than done, but it's a whole lot easier to explain past self harm than it is to explain ongoing self harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may find that you have friends who've been there too. Talking about it with people who've been there and done that can be really cathartic. If you have friends who are still self harming, your courage in talking about it may even encourage them to do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friends are your friends because they care about you. If they see that you're hurting yourself they're going to be inclined to worry. If it's all in the past, they'll worry less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So... Get some help, stay clean, be honest about your past, and try to take steps to ensure that the past remains in the past.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T00:14:28.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17706" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17691" CreationDate="2018-08-18T06:52:04.977" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, I am sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is polite enough (especially given the request) and you have to be crystal clear the main answer is no. Don’t offer explanations. They only encourage counter arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In this day and age mobile phones contain all your private information and are used to pay your bills, receive tan numbers etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lending a mobile phone nowadays can not be likened to letting someone call from your landline! Even if you have keep the phone locked while they call, you still place an (often) invaluable item in their hands. Imagine the trouble that could arise from misuse or theft of your phone! Everyone in today’s society knows this and you should not feel the slightest embarrassment for acting on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore you are not in a situation where the other person can expect no help. You are “outside at a bus stop, near government buildings, downtown, in a relatively small city”. Anyone genuinely in need can appeal to the authorities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am fully in favour of helping others, but it cannot be done in the face of such high probability of exploitation and with so much to lose (very negative &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expected_value&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;expected value&lt;/a&gt;, so to speak).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4514" LastEditorUserId="4514" LastEditDate="2018-08-18T09:17:06.817" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T09:17:06.817" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17699" CreationDate="2018-08-18T07:19:55.193" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't think that I'm an expert and take my advice with a grain of salt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you don't want any special attention, I don't think you need to attract attention by talking about anything beforehand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just go on as normal, some people probably won't even ask what happened - personally, I wouldn't pay much attention, people lead different lives and anything can happen to them. I have a friend that did some self-harm a long time ago (a lot for me, but that's because for me &quot;none&quot; is the norm), but he kinda wore it proudly. Wrote &quot;Kill me please&quot; on his chest with a razor and showed it to everyone via social networks with a smile. I don't think anyone payed it any special attention, besides thinking he just wants to cause an uproar in his social circle.&#xA;These days I'm a lot more aware of mental health, and retroactively understand that things like that were a sign of problems, and not just his way of getting even more &quot;fame&quot;, but everything is fine in the end, and that's all that matters. Still, I'm living in Russia, there's little awareness of mental health here, so your mileage will probably wary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then some people will be simply curious, with an approach like &quot;Lol, whatever happened? Did you meet a vicious raccoon or something?&quot;. I don't think answering a question like that would be very awkward - along the lines of &quot;Nah, did that myself, thouht that would be a good idea at the time. Not really&quot;. After they understand that you actually did this yourself they might drift to any of the other categories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people would be genuinely concerned - them you want to assure, that it's in the past and you get the help you need - provided that it's the truth, of course - if it's not their concern is well founded, after all, and they will be right to try and help, even if you don't personally believe you need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can also imagine some people will be horrified and alienated somewhat, and will require you to actively assure them that it's fine, live goes on, etc, but I can't give much advice in this case - my answer comes from thinking how I could react, and I wouldn't react like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20689" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T07:19:55.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-18T08:09:25.330" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's look at the start of your exchange:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: I wanna use that money when I travel around Europe with my family. Can't we pay in &lt;em&gt;local currency&lt;/em&gt;? Let me check this out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I don't know, I'll have to ask them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She brings up three points separate points. You ignore the first point, answer the second and reject her third point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After she said that she wants to use the money when she travels around Europe, you could have immediately said that you two will share the cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see a good reason to say &amp;quot;I'll have to ask them&amp;quot; after someone says that they want to check out the issue themselves. Depending on the power dynamic between you the fact that you don't want her to look the issue up herself might be offensive to her and reason to assert power in her response by telling you to cancel the reservation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation would like have went a lot better if you would have addressed her concern about her wanting to use the money for her family trip directly and would have let her do whatever research she believes to be reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="92" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T08:09:25.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17709" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-18T09:33:18.280" Score="2" ViewCount="235" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was in Copenhagen (Denmark), I was impressed by the dialog of some other tourists with our host. They both spoke their native Scandinavian languages (noteworthy to say I understand no Scandinavian languages but I believe I can recognize that they are actually spoken), but it sounded like they speak different languages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only I have understood was a relatively large number of English words they used in their conversation. Is it a common practice to communicate this way? So, what is the more polite and effective way for a Swede to start communication with a Dane: to start speak pure English or to start speak his native language, adding English words when you doubt your interlocutor understand you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21007" LastEditorUserId="21007" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T13:45:21.700" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T13:45:21.700" Title="What is a language that Swedes will prefer to use with Copenhagen hostel personnel?" Tags="&lt;language-barriers&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-08-18T15:18:00.090" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17670" CreationDate="2018-08-18T10:14:47.757" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The &quot;friend zone&quot; is a terrible place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's obvious she wants something you don't want, but it doesn't seem to be obvious to you that you want something she probably doesn't want. She doesn't want to be your &quot;just friends&quot; best friend, she wants to be your lover.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By keeping her close-but-not-that-close because that's what &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; want, you're friendzoning her. The way to help her get over you is to not friendzone her. As in, don't fill your time and space with her. Let go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to help her get over you while still getting the friendship you want from her is - Give her time and space to get over you, for there to be any chance of a healthy friendship at some point in the future. There's no chance of it now. So meanwhile, let go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T10:14:47.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17691" CreationDate="2018-08-18T11:40:28.453" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;These days, my phone is no longer just my phone.  It has my photographs and videos, my social media apps, and all of my contacts, not to mention my bank apps, work-related apps, and even my password manager.  By unlocking and handing over my phone, I give a stranger potential access to all of this information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in the same way I wouldn't hand my car or house keys to a stranger, or allow them to rummage through the contents of my home computer, I would never just &lt;em&gt;hand over&lt;/em&gt; my phone to anyone I didn't know and trust.  It's become an &lt;em&gt;unreasonable&lt;/em&gt; request, period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that, much depends on the situation and the attitude of the person asking.  If I'm &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; in an area where I feel safe, or the person seems sketchy or overly pushy, my response would be, simply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but that's not going to happen.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No need to explain, no need to apologize.  Just tell them &quot;no&quot; and go about your business.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if the area is safe and the person seems to legitimately need help, then I might offer the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I'm not going to give you my phone -- but &lt;strong&gt;I can make a call for you and put you on speaker&lt;/strong&gt;. What's the number?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then dial the number and let them talk to the person on the other end.  If the conversation starts to drag on, gets too complicated, or is too argumentative:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is starting to go on a little long, so I suggest you guys figure it out in the next 30 seconds before I hang up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If at any time they become aggressive, or upset, or in any way make me feel uncomfortable about their intentions, then my simple response is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;OK, we're done here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then I walk away, or, if I can't leave, I ignore them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this has never happened to me, but if they continue to be aggressive, or start bothering other people, I might confront them directly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's clear you have a problem.  I think it's best you explain it to the police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then call 911.  Tell the dispatch something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There's a person at (location) who is harassing me and other people.  He/she keeps asking for my phone but is unable to explain why he/she needs it, and it's making us feel unsafe.  Could you please send an officer over to talk to him/her and see what's going on?  Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: If any of this comes across as abrupt or rude, keep in mind that the other person initiated the conversation by making an &lt;em&gt;unreasonable request&lt;/em&gt;.  You may be happy to help out someone who legitimately needs it, but &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; get to determine what that help involves.  It's up to the person needing help to keep things polite, civil, and safe -- if they can't manage that, then you should feel no obligation to assist them further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-18T22:17:00.783" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T22:17:00.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17712" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17685" CreationDate="2018-08-18T18:17:50.873" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no question from your description that your mother's behavior is &lt;em&gt;completely&lt;/em&gt; inappropriate -- there is no &lt;em&gt;&quot;I think...&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a &quot;Prakash&quot; issue, your mother has clearly inappropriate boundaries. There are many possible reasons for your mother's behavior, but Prakash is NOT the person to address the reasons with his mother.  This is a terribly unfortunate situation in that as children (regardless of age), we commonly seek refuge in our mother's -- this is normal -- but these types of problems, usually leave us without that &quot;safety net.&quot; And, to be certain, not by &lt;em&gt;our&lt;/em&gt; choice.  And this point must be made clear: &quot;Parkash did not do anything wrong -- mother MADE the &lt;em&gt;CHOICE&lt;/em&gt; to violate the boundaries.&quot; That is unfortunate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Age is very important.  Legally, there are certain remedies at various ages. &#xA;You state &lt;code&gt;...when you were 17...&lt;/code&gt;, how old are you now? A rhetorical question that does not require an answer, and not that her behavior is appropriate at any age, at the risk of making an assumption, you sound to be a legal adult, in which case your ONLY REAL option seems clear, and not to put to fine a point on it: Get Out! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to extricate yourself from any further influence she is able to exert on YOUR life.  As you stated, she has already interfered with &quot;other women you were seeing&quot; and &quot;creating a rift&quot; -- this is a classic abuse maneuver: Isolate the victim. And as your &quot;world&quot; has shrunk, she is now &quot;become attractive&quot; -- this too, is common among &quot;prisoners.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will be especially difficult for you Prakesh, and you'll likely need to seek help (Friends, government assistance, enlisting in the military may be an option, too).  Based on your description, your mother is likely to guilt you into staying (&quot;you'll never make it without me/us/your family&quot;, &quot;but don't you love me&quot;, &quot;Please, don't leave your mother&quot;).  The alternative is to subject yourself to continued abuse.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you're Dad may not be aware of what is happening. However, abusers do not always act outside the purview of the family. There are many reasons for this as well, but these, too, are beyond Prakesh's control. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope I have been clear in that in no way is Prakesh at any fault in this situation, and IMHO your mother has sought to blur the boundaries, but because you are also indicating the acceptance of these &quot;false&quot; boundaries, I would very strongly recommend that you seek out a qualified therapist to help you focus on identifying and establishing boundaries, as well as establishing and maintaining healthy relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good Luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20645" LastActivityDate="2018-08-18T18:17:50.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17713" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17697" CreationDate="2018-08-18T19:40:26.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friends probably need to plan big expanses well in advance, so you should do the same. Make plans together &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt; to travel &lt;em&gt;next summer&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, your friends need to be reliable and start putting some money aside now. If they have a tendency to spend all their money at the end of the month, they won't have enough to travel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a compromize that suits all of you. If you insist on a 5 star hotel with all-inclusive service, that very idea might be out of proportion for your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make very concrete plans. How much will the flight and visa cost? How much for the hotel? &lt;strong&gt;Very important:&lt;/strong&gt; don't forget additional costs for food, drinks, tours, rental car, entrance fees and tickets. It will become a very boring travel if you are forced to do only free of charge activities. Write your budget down so your friends have a reminder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you have a valid passport! Some countries require that your passport be valid until 3 months after entering the country. This might cause additional costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friends are reluctant to make these concrete plans, carefully ask them why. They might realize that they can't afford this travel but are too embarrased to admit it to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared to lend some money. If you or your friends travel for the first time, your expenses will most likely be higher than expected. Communicate with your friends that you are prepared to lend them money and how much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-08-19T17:21:53.503" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T17:21:53.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17714" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17716" CreationDate="2018-08-18T20:13:47.917" Score="13" ViewCount="2176" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like too much of the responsibilities of being an adult fall on my shoulders, and that my wife does a lot more taking than giving in that regard. I would like our relationship to be more of an equal partnership where I feel that I benefit from it too. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, and the romantic side of our relationship is pretty good, but there's also a practical side of two adults living together and that's where I feel like I get a raw deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had a big fight this morning over the silliest thing, because she was upset at me for not refilling the coffee maker after using it (which is not a thing in our house, I usually have to refill it in the morning before I use it myself.) But it really struck a raw nerve for me, and opened up an argument about how I want her to do more around the house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm ten years into my career, and I've been quite successful at it. She's just starting out. I work 60+ hours a week, she works about 35. The difference in income is more than 10x. She keeps her money that she earns to herself and uses it for personal things, and I pay for all of our expenses, rent, food, vacations, eating out, etc., plus I give her a monthly stipend that she can spend how she likes. Given the difference in our income, I don't mind that so much - I feel she could contribute in other ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I handle the garbage, the supermarket, and the finances, bills, and taxes. I manage to get 1-3 hours each evening before bed, plus half a day off each weekend to spend with her. In order to work as much as I do and still do all of that, I have no life or friends outside of work and marriage. It's hardly balanced, but I'm happy enough like that because I know I'm working towards an early retirement and secure future for my wife and I and our future kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think if she could just keep our tiny 500 sqft apartment clean, and have supper in the fridge for ~5 days a week (which should mean cooking 2-3 times a week.) that would be the minimum contribution. I don't think that's too much to ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In reality she gets home from work tired, spends some time unwinding with her smartphone, and then spend 1-3 hours with me watching netflix or other activities. Then she'll often stay up late on her phone again, and I go to bed early because I get up at 4:30 and start work. She gets up late, gets ready and goes straight to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dishes pile up, the kitchen, floors, and surfaces get dirty and accumulate junk. It gets worse all week until near the end of the weekend when she finally makes an effort to do something about it. It's a good week when the apartment is relatively clean by the time the next week begins, but that's rare. She cooks about as often as I do, which is maybe once every two weeks. I got fed up last weekend and spent a couple hours vacuuming and packing things away, but I really don't have time for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she can't pull her weight now, how would things be when we have children together? When we have a larger place and all the demanding needs of children? The thought terrifies me because I can't take any additional responsibility, and I'm scared I'll end up having to carry most of that alone too. There's no take-backs on the decision to have children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need things to change soon and gain some level of confidence that I won't be alone in this before it comes time to start a family. I don't know how to approach it. We argue over this a couple times a year but nothing ever really changes. There are some short term changes, and then that terrible smartphone comes out again and things start to degenerate until we're back to where we were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's hard to paint an accurate picture of a marriage in just a few words, and harder still given you only are getting my side of things. But I'm really at the end of my rope here and I don't know what else to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask my wife to share more of our responsibilities, in a way that encourages long-term changes?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21015" LastEditorUserId="21015" LastEditDate="2018-08-18T21:10:19.450" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T20:47:58.410" Title="How can I ask my wife to share more of our responsibilities?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="8" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17691" CreationDate="2018-08-19T01:56:27.993" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simply say: &quot;No, I don't lend out my phone&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if they asked if you had a few hundred (or over a thousand) dollars they could hold on to until it was time to return it, then would it be OK?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not for you to enquire the nature of the call if it doesn't seem like an emergency, in that case you can offer to make the call for them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if they drop or throw your phone, who pays; can you afford to be without?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many reasons not to hand over your phone and few reasons to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether it seems rude not to lend strangers your personal possessions is an opinion, you probably could have gotten by without seeing them and they simply need to rely on their Plan &quot;B&quot; had they not seen you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply state that you don't lend your phone. It should be the answer they expect, if it seems like a problem for them you should be alert that they might not accept the answer; put away your phone so you don't drop it. Some phones have a one touch panic dialer you can set up if you're worried about getting your phone taken away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T01:56:27.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17714" CreationDate="2018-08-19T02:33:10.820" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to take the &quot;tough love&quot; approach and start out by being brutally honest:  &lt;strong&gt;You can't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or rather, there's nothing you can do that will &lt;em&gt;guarantee&lt;/em&gt; she will change her ways.  You can try (and you may have tried) bargaining, bribing, coercing, nagging, arguing, tricking, and flat-out begging -- but either she will or she won't, based on what she chooses to be her priorities in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, it has little to do with so-called &quot;gender roles&quot; or other &quot;traditional&quot; family patterns.  Some people choose to take care of the house they live in, either because they were brought up that way, or because they like things neat.  Some don't, and choose to expend their energy in other ways. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would let go of the entire idea that things &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to be a certain way in your relationship.  It would certainly make your life easier if your wife did help more, but it sounds like you two are muddling along somehow regardless.  Let go of that stress -- hope for an improvement, but every time you notice yourself starting down that cycle of frustration and anger, stop yourself, and recall all the reasons you married your wife in the first place, and how much you enjoy being with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, you two won't always be living in a small apartment, working long hours.  I'm sure you plan to move up to jobs where you work less but get paid more, and you move into a larger space.  And, as you say, you might choose to have children -- think of all the chaos that will bring into your home.  Would you rather be eternally frustrated by all that's &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt; in your life, or eternally grateful for all that's &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, &lt;strong&gt;that being said&lt;/strong&gt;, here are some things you can try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1)  Hire someone to come in and clean your apartment every week or every two weeks.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this because you &lt;em&gt;want a clean space&lt;/em&gt;, and you both clearly don't feel like managing that chore. This is for yourself, with no consideration or frustration about what your wife is or isn't doing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The greatest gift I gave myself, twenty years ago, was to get a housekeeper to come by every two weeks and do all the chores I hated doing as a kid -- cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, changing sheets, etc.  I'm married now, and the housekeeper still comes around like clockwork to make sure my house doesn't get too messy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, at least once a week, you'll remove the frustration of dirty corners and piled-up dishes and make sure the mess never gets out of control.  You can enjoy the cleanliness, at relatively small cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2)  Talk with your wife and agree on a set of rules and tasks you do &lt;em&gt;together&lt;/em&gt;.  Some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have a mutually-agreed on rule that &quot;no dishes are to be left in the sink&quot;.  Either wash them or put them in the dishwasher (if you have on)e.  This goes for both of you.  If need be, you both get up and wash them together.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;No clothes lying around.  All dirty clothing goes in the laundry basket.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Set aside days of the week for different chores.  Sunday might be &quot;laundry day&quot;.  Monday &quot;grocery shopping day&quot;, Tuesday &quot;cooking for the week day&quot;, and so on.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Institute a &quot;Henny Penny&quot; rule, something like &quot;If you don't help &lt;em&gt;shop&lt;/em&gt; and you don't help &lt;em&gt;cook&lt;/em&gt;, then you don't help &lt;em&gt;eat&lt;/em&gt;.&quot;  Helping can be as simple as chopping or mixing, anything to show a willingness to participate in necessary chores.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and so on.  The key is these are things you do &lt;em&gt;together&lt;/em&gt;, so you both get in the habit of getting them done, rather than arguing about who is supposed to do them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Mutually agree to put away the phones when you are doing anything together -- eating, watching a movie, even driving.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be a tricky since it's such a habit to be constantly checking messages or Twitter or Facebook or whatever mind-suck captures your attention, but it helps if you both recognize that it's damaging to your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, personally, dislike it when I'm having a conversation with anyone and they stop to check something on their phone.  I tolerate this from friends and other people, because what can you do, but my wife has learned that when she does it with me, I consider the conversation over and walk away.  I can't control what she does, but I can choose not to wait around for her to finish whatever she considers more important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are exceptions, of course, and you have to work these out.  We both work from home, and sometimes we get important emails or texts.  Or we might be wondering about something and one of us will Google the answer.  Also checking directions while driving, texting a friend we're going to meet ... all reasonable situations to use the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may take a while for her to get used to this change in behavior.  It helps if, at first she physically &lt;em&gt;shuts down&lt;/em&gt; the phone so that, in order to look at it, she has to turn it back on and wait for it to start up.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually she can break the habit and start paying more attention to you when you are home -- but this means &lt;em&gt;you should be attentive back&lt;/em&gt;, and not distracted by some thing you find interesting.  It takes discipline from both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are any number of tricks and tools marriage counselors use to get couples to talk to each other without argument.  The one I've heard most is to phrase everything as an &quot;I&quot; statement.  This sounds hokey, and in the beginning it can be, but the key is again to shift your attitude away from what the other person is doing &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt;, and toward how you yourself feel about that behavior.  Examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you pick up your phone and start texting with friends when we're alone together, &lt;strong&gt;I feel frustrated to be shut out of the conversation&lt;/strong&gt;.  I want your whole attention because we only get a short time together each day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I come home late and there's nothing in the house to eat, &lt;strong&gt;I get annoyed&lt;/strong&gt; because I'm hungry and I don't want to have to take the time to cook.  &lt;strong&gt;I would like&lt;/strong&gt; to be able to sit down and have dinner with you right away.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, ask your wife for her suggestions&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do you think we can manage this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you need from me to make this happen?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do you think we can work together to achieve (outcome)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, do your best to find out what motivates and de-motivates her from doing certain chores.  For example, my wife gets frustrated if I put dishes in the sink, or stuff on the kitchen counters, right after she's cleaned it.  I would rather have them in the sink than lying on tables around the house, but for her, it's discouraging to go to all the effort of cleaning only to have it become dirty again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can try (and have tried) try to explain that's what happens with kitchens -- they get dirty, they get cleaned, they get dirty again, day after day.  But it's possible for me to find a compromise by paying attention to when she has cleaned, and then trying to keep things clean as long as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually you might want to do things like create a division of household chores ... but again, if your wife is the sort of person who isn't motivated to do them on her own, it's unlikely she'll be &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; motivated to do them because she &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; to.  This might be something you have to wait for her to suggest herself, rather than bring up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can tell you from personal experience that it is possible to get your spouse to change, but it takes time and patience.  In the meantime you're better off trying to figure out why the situation upsets you as much as it does, and getting rid of old or unnecessary thought patterns that create unwanted stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-19T14:06:45.760" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T14:06:45.760" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17717" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17697" CreationDate="2018-08-19T07:32:30.090" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Most of my friends also don't have much ambition to get careers and are satisfied with just &quot;jobs&quot;. They of course want to make more, but are too ingrained in their current situations to work towards something better. I'm not looking down on them because they work hard. It's just they work hard for very little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK - Can we break this down - For one reason or another it appears that you are looking down on your friends. It also seems that you regard their lack of ambition and that they work hard for little as wrong (actually they are just not like you that is all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be an important thing to examine deep down how you value your friends, and how they are important to you. If you look down on them because you have found wealth then they are going to find this out sooner or later, and you will be left with no real friends (friends who will be friends because of a genuine reason, not because of financial status). Friendship goes both ways, you have to participate and be in the moment with your friends, otherwise why have any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to reconcile your friends, you must clear your mind of how well off you are, and start by concentrating upon your friends &lt;em&gt;at their level&lt;/em&gt; - engage with them in a modest way, do not offer to pay for expensive trips arranged by yourself - ask them what they want to do in your company. And be satisfied with that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to be overcome or obsessed with your success and let that influence your attitudes or the way that you categorise people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, easy come- easy go. You might find yourself between a rock and a hard place one day - a time in which you may regret not having your friends any longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-08-19T17:17:41.533" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T17:17:41.533" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17714" CreationDate="2018-08-19T08:23:28.493" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I see it, the usual deal when two adults live together is that they each do half of the housework. So we start there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to assume that if you both worked forty hours a week and made the same amount of money, you would agree that it's appropriate for you to cook half the time, clean half the time, do the laundry half the time, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if you both worked forty hours a week and you earned more per hour? Would it be fair to say that she has to do more of the housework because your salary is higher? I would argue that, no, it's really not. This is not a roommate situation, it's a marriage. In the marriage, her time should be regarded as just as valuable as your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She works 35 hours a week and earns much less than you. Could the two of you survive on double her income? Is a life where you both work 35 hours a week, you both bring home identical paychecks, you both do half the housework, and you spend much more time together, a plausible one? Sure, it would be a much less luxurious life, but could you survive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that life is a plausible one, then let's look at why you're not living that life. You have a career. You're successful at that career. Do you enjoy it? Is it what you wanted to do with your working life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say: &quot;I have no life or friends outside of work and marriage. It's hardly balanced, but I'm happy enough like that because I know I'm working towards an early retirement and secure future for my wife and I and our future kids.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But is that the only reason? Do you get no enjoyment or gratification from your career? Is it purely and entirely a sacrifice that you make for your wife and theoretical children? If you weren't married, would you drop that career immediately? Is your wife delighted that your life is not balanced? Does she have zero desire to live a balanced life with her husband?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you're seeing that you work extra hours, there's more money accessible to her, and she should pay back for that money by doing more housework.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it seems to me that it may be possible that she sees it as you working extra hours at a career that interests you, she's deprived of much of her husband's time, and she's supposed to pay back for...that deprivation?...by doing more housework.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No, I hardly ever get to see my husband, but the bonus is that I get to spend extra time mopping floors and scrubbing pots.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see how that may be iffy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also concerned with the idea that you &quot;give&quot; her a stipend. This is a marriage. Doling money out to her like she's an employee feels odd.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people, in this situation, would combine the 1X and the 10X, decide on a specific and EQUAL amount of &quot;play money&quot; for each spouse, and then make mutual decisions on what gets done with the rest of the money. The 10x earner wouldn't get 10 votes--they'd get one vote, and the 1X earner would also get one vote.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the couple would also spend some of that money on household help, so that one person isn't doing two people's worth of housework.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T08:23:28.493" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17719" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17681" CreationDate="2018-08-19T09:02:07.207" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Approach it directly, and help yourself avoid experiencing the issues you have had with the previous landlady with one in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... but on the other hand I think that would seem like accusing your last employer for leaving a job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Renting is very different from employment. A prospective landlord wouldn't take issue with telling you what a past tenant did that he did not like. Likewise, you ought to state explicitly and clearly what motivated you to leave your previous rental and seek out a new one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a landlord chooses not to rent to you because your expectations are too high, this is not the landlord you wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21025" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T09:02:07.207" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17721" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-19T12:01:52.443" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your conversation escalated to a situation where you were arguing with each other about who was right, who did what, who misunderstood what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instil in your relationship the notion that when you have a disagreement, it’s &lt;strong&gt;you and her together against the problem, not against each other&lt;/strong&gt;. No accusatory tones, no assigning blame, even if one of you was clearly in the wrong. If it became an issue that affects both, you both need to work collectively towards the same resolution. Any comment that is about what any of you did is thus irrelevant and should be left out of the discussion. &lt;em&gt;After&lt;/em&gt; you solve the issue, you may have a conversation about how to avoid those particular types of situations in the future, a kind of post-mortem analysis. But seeing as the disagreements are fuelled by miscommunication, that may not be necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So insist (and act accordingly) that you’re always on her side and have no desire to blame her for any problems. Rather, you want to fix the greater issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is something you’ll need to do &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; fights.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10703" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T12:01:52.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17714" CreationDate="2018-08-19T13:16:48.450" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like what you are saying is that you want a feeling that you two are working together.  It's very difficult when you feel like you are &lt;strong&gt;expected&lt;/strong&gt; to be doing most of the work, and that work isn't appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you can resolve this one on one.  I think you need an impartial mediator that can help you two sort through reasonable expectations on each side.  I say mediator rather than counselor because this sounds like more of a negotiation case. A mediator can help you agree on a cleaning schedule.  Or if your wife doesn't want to clean she can decide to take some of the stipend and pay someone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main thing is that you both get to a common understanding.  I've seen good mediators in action and it is possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T13:16:48.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17724" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17691" CreationDate="2018-08-19T17:18:10.880" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;No&quot; is just fine as an answer, &quot;Sorry, no&quot; would be slightly more polite but is just as fine. As a stranger, I have no right at all to use your phone, so &quot;no&quot; is just fine from that point of view. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it's not just that you have no obligation to let them use your phone. There is also the fear that you might get robbed. If it is in an open place (you said as a bus stop), and there's a good chance that the person is stronger than you (statistically, ElizBs are less strong than say Andrews, just because an Andrew posted), then that fear could be justified, depending on your country and location. If a person needs help by using a phone, they might be better off to approach a group of people, or do it in an enclosed area, so there is less fear of theft. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-08-19T17:18:10.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17726" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-19T18:47:36.230" Score="8" ViewCount="1196" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, the story is a little complicated and I always have a little trouble expressing myself, I guess that's also one of the reasons why I'm asking for help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, I'm a Brazilian guy, about to turn 20 years old and I'm gay.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I started college about a year ago and there I met this guy. He's awesome, really sweet and smart and all of that. At first we became just friends, and that went on for about three months. Until that point I thought he was straight (He would even tell me about this girl he was with and he wanted something a little more serious with her) and we were becoming really good friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day he asked if I wanted to go see a movie with him and by the end of the night we had kissed. That's when things started to get complicated. He was the first I had ever been with but I was not the first guy he had been. He told me he had wanted to be with me for a while and that day he finally had had the courage to do it. We &quot;dated&quot; for about two months and I developed feelings for him. After that when I found out he had been seeing another guy as well. As much as hurt as I felt, I kept it to myself since we had not agreed on being in a serious relationship anyway and I really cared about him and didn't want to ruin our friendship. I told him that I didn't want to be anything other than friends with him anymore and that I wished he'd find someone he would be happy with. My feelings for him didn't go away but I really wanted him to be happy and I couldn't imagine what it would be like to not having him as my friend, he had become a really important person for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this we kinda started talking a little less and pretty much only saw each other at college. Until one day he told he missed me and wanted things between us to be the way it was before. I told him that I had developed strong feelings for him and I couldn't keep things the same as before if he would be with other people at the same time. He told me he would do whatever he needed to be with me so I gave him another chance. We have been like this for about 8 months now. That brings me to my question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have a quite romantic relationship and I know he has only been with me for the past 8 months but every time I try to talk to him about us, and about where our relationship is going he says that we have nothing serious and that he's not ready for that. My question is:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I tell him that I want to be in a serious relationship without hurting or scaring him?&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few things I know that maybe a factor for his fear of being in a relationship:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A few years before I met him he had a girlfriend who cheated on him several times and was really abusive towards him (physically and emotionally)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His family is very &quot;conservative&quot; and I know he's really scared of telling them hes bi  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He tried a relationship with another guy before me and this guy also cheated on him &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21032" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T01:27:30.627" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T15:22:10.177" Title="How do I help someone to be ready for a relationship and overcome his fears?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17727" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17751" CreationDate="2018-08-19T23:21:36.303" Score="5" ViewCount="989" Body="&lt;p&gt;The flip-side to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2463/what-could-you-possibly-say-to-a-friend-who-cooked-a-meal-you-didnt-enjoy-at-al&quot;&gt;this question about being asked one's opinion on food they didn't like&lt;/a&gt;;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What things should you keep in mind if you have cooked or are cooking a meal for family or friends, and would like their honest opinion of it, for future or immediate reference? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a number of reasons that generally boil down to politeness, most adults seem reluctant to express their true feelings about food they've been served - the only metric I can often get is if they enthusiastically tell me how good it was, then they probably enjoyed it, and if they say nothing, or only complement the smell, or the decor, or how well the napkins are folded, then they probably didn't. In that latter case though, I still don't know what they didn't like, or what I should do better in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd really like to minimize the mutual-loss where I take time to cook for someone, and they force themselves to pretend to enjoy it. Especially important would be requesting honest feedback if I'm not done cooking yet, when changes could still be made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main sets of circumstances that I think would require different methods/responses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People for whom you cook often/regularly, versus people you don't see often&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People who can cook things they themselves like, versus people who, while they know when something doesn't taste good to them, don't really know how it could/should be improved&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6909" LastEditorUserId="6909" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T15:01:34.700" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T16:55:13.247" Title="How do you get someone's honest opinion about your cooking?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17726" CreationDate="2018-08-20T00:02:51.310" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hooman,  &lt;em&gt;YOUR&lt;/em&gt; biggest problem in this has nothing to do with your being a &quot;Brazilian guy, about to turn 20 years old and I'm gay.&quot; You could leave these details out, and make your post completely gender neutral, and (my) response(s) to your questions would be the same.  &lt;strong&gt;You Can't&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;You Have&lt;/strong&gt;, and &lt;strong&gt;You Haven't, (at least not yet)&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Twenty is a hard age, anyway, in that as adults, we want the adult stuff that goes along with it.  Realistically, though, the basic ability to differentiate between what we can and &lt;strong&gt;cannot&lt;/strong&gt; control (note the emphasis) does not develop until the late twenties (if ever, IMHO)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the heart (no pun intended) of the question, you can't &quot;help someone be ready.&quot;  In this case, they are, or they're not. You've already asked several times, hence: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;every time I try to talk to him about us, and about where our relationship is going he says that we have nothing serious and that he's not ready for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initiating the conversation IS in your control, however, you are unwilling to accept that part (remember, 20yo) that is a) not at all in your control; and, b) completely within his control, as he stated: &quot;he's not ready...&quot;. As I'm certain (&quot;every time I try to talk...&quot;) that you have expressed your desire for a more serious relationship, as he continues to stay, these convo's apparently have not been &lt;em&gt;sufficient&lt;/em&gt; &quot;to either hurt or scare him&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to your post, early on you realized &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; what kind of person this was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He told me he had wanted to be with me ...After that when I found out he had been seeing another guy as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here he was willing to string you along as an &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt;, and by the rest of your post, you were a willing participant: nothing changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the first thing to consider is what is and is not in your control?  One can only &lt;em&gt;control&lt;/em&gt; what they think or feel -- and, yes, based on their own circumstances.  One cannot &lt;em&gt;control&lt;/em&gt; what another is (or will) think or feel.  Information can be provided, but ultimately, that person will think or feel as they see fit, for their circumstance(s). This is not permission to be cruel, but if our needs/wants/desires are not met, a line has to be drawn.  Of course, there are always consequences to our decisions, and these may affect our &quot;others&quot;, but we have our own load to carry and they have theirs -- it is unfair (to you, in this case) to carry both loads.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what do you YOU, Hooman, control? And yes, this is your question, WHAT DOES HOOMAN WANT? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;YOUR CHOICE: Serious relationship, or just hanging out (leave it as is)?  Neither answer is &lt;em&gt;wrong, per se&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;unless it is not what Hooman wants&lt;/strong&gt;. If you're &quot;happy/satisfied&quot;  with the current arrangement: Great, but stop pestering the guy, he's not gonna change and you know it.  If you're not happy/satisfied: Great, move along but stop pestering the guy, he's not gonna change and you know it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20645" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T11:52:04.690" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T11:52:04.690" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17726" CreationDate="2018-08-20T00:42:18.980" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Welcome to being in love&lt;/strong&gt;. Those are great news for you but unfortunately, there's no tutorial that explain what to do or what not to do or whether the love is equal on both sides and if you both share the same vision and same expectations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I help him be ready &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the most straight forward answer is that there're no magic words that you can use but you can simply give him time and the more &lt;strong&gt;quality time&lt;/strong&gt; you'll spend together the more feelings he will develop for you. Admiration, respect, listening, generosity are keys in making the other partner get connected to you. Don't push it too much though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I can't, how do I tell him that I want to be in a serious relationship without hurting or scaring him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've been together for 8 month you're entitled to ask or state that you should be exclusive. But the key here is to use the right words, don't use &quot;I want a serious relationship&quot; instead you should use &quot;I'm a serious guy and I feel committed to our relationship&quot; that sends a clear message about &lt;em&gt;yourself&lt;/em&gt; and about &lt;em&gt;you and him&lt;/em&gt; (us).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastEditorUserId="20418" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T15:22:10.177" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T15:22:10.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17727" CreationDate="2018-08-20T02:17:05.980" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;One way, and perhaps the most reliable way, is to observe how enthusiastically they eat what you have prepared.  But this is after the fact, and inefficient, and you say you would like to be able to make course corrections as you cook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, I think you have phrased your question's title incorrectly.  The question should not be whether they like your cooking, but whether they like what you have cooked.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, as you say, it depends on your &quot;audience&quot;.  If you are giving a dinner party, your guests are obliged to sincerely pretend to like what you have cooked unless they have a &lt;strong&gt;serious&lt;/strong&gt; allergy, in which case they should inform you of it beforehand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About all I think you should do at a dinner party, is to inform your guests what you are cooking for the main course, and, for example, ask who likes the dish more spicy and who likes it less spicy.  As I said above, guests at a dinner party are &lt;strong&gt;way out of line&lt;/strong&gt; if they are picky or critical.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If your audience is people for whom you cook frequently&lt;/strong&gt;, I suggest that you simply ask them.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I noticed last night that you only picked at your grilled eel.  What&#xA;  fish do you like most?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, during the course of the meal, you can discuss the new recipe you are experimenting with and ask them for their advice, particularly if they are also enthusiastic cooks.  In this tactic, you might start out with a reservation (preferably real) of your own:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think I put too much sugar in the durian tart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a narrow line to walk between appearing to fish for compliments and get honest feedback.  Thus, I think you should discuss your cooking only with people whom you know very well and like a great deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T02:17:05.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17731" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17691" CreationDate="2018-08-20T03:48:40.163" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In situations like this, especially involving a stranger, I respond with only &lt;strong&gt;one word&lt;/strong&gt;, spoken in a &quot;soft&quot; (non-aggressive) tone, which gets the point across without being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;h1&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Sorry.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they push the matter, just repeat again, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Sorry.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Details like the size of the city or what the person looks like are irrelevant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bottom line is, if you don't want to loan your property to someone,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don't need to have a good reason, and,  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don't need to explain yourself&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think that approach is rude at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Personally&lt;/em&gt; I will go out of my way to help strangers any chance I get, including loaning my phone for a quick call (twice within the last few weeks) because I believe what stands to be gained (karma!) is far greater than what stands to be lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...but that's my opinion, and we're all entitled to our own!  :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7393" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T03:48:40.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17714" CreationDate="2018-08-20T07:10:18.953" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say you don't mind the current situation, but it sure is not healthy and it can lead to burnout sooner or later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that chores should not be split equally or based on the money each one of you brings home, but in order for both of you to have &lt;strong&gt;the same amount of spare time&lt;/strong&gt;. Just think housework as an extension of your job. Doing half the housework when you have already worked more hours than her is not ok. Sharing them based on money is not a good idea either: it's like paying your spouse for their work - it just doesn't feel right, in a loving relationship both parts should contribute in order to make the relationship work, not because of money .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in your specific situation your wife should be doing more housework than you, but she doesn't even do half of it. Well, as far as I can tell &lt;strong&gt;she learned that she should expect you to do most of the housework&lt;/strong&gt;. You have conditioned her to think like that. But this can change if you both want to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try cleaning only your clothes, cooking only for you, making your own coffee and &lt;strong&gt;stop doing the things she expects you to do&lt;/strong&gt; (like refilling the coffee machine). Just don't ever do it again and then &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; will become your expected behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not to be done to antagonize your wife. It is so you have &lt;strong&gt;more time for yourself and your wife and less arguments&lt;/strong&gt; and that's the way you should put it when she notices and asks why you stopped doing this or that. It will be hard at first but then it will turn to your default behaviour, your wife will learn to accept it, it will help her take care of her own things and the time you spend together will increase in amount and quality - you won't be beaten up on every day basis any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other strategy you can try is to have a &lt;strong&gt;specific day of the week that you do all the major chores&lt;/strong&gt; like dusting, vacuuming etc. It is important that you both decide which day. This will help you organise and share them better. For example, my partner and I have chosen Fridays, so we can have a chore-free weekend and we have decided on doing 'sets' of chores alternately each week (dusting, vaccuming is a set and cleaning the kithen and bathroom is the other). Organizing every day chores can help too ('Hon, I did the dishes yesterday, so I think it's your turn.').&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some point you say that she argues that she is not contributing enough. She can understand how much she does so by &lt;strong&gt;writing the chores she has taken care of in a list&lt;/strong&gt; (it can be a whiteboard or a paper on the fridge or something). You should both write them down so you can compare and organize them better. &lt;strong&gt;You can also write the weekly chore program&lt;/strong&gt; (both discuss and write it down, it could even be fun) and just tick them when you've done them. In order to make it more interesting and enjoyable, write not only chores, but ways of recreation too e.g.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;washing dishes&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;watching Mindhunter on Netflix&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T09:28:18.513" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T09:28:18.513" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17734" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-20T09:36:30.077" Score="5" ViewCount="1183" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, let's name our main character &lt;strong&gt;Josh&lt;/strong&gt;. Josh is a close friend of mine in highschool, we're both 14. Problem is Josh is very addicted to his phone. At first, Josh would use his phone after class a lot (that makes sense, it's spare time); but then Josh starts to use his phone in class (kinda bad but not really), now he only uses his phone in class. Every period, if you were to see him, he would be on his phone on Snapchat chatting up girls his age. But at this point, it has gotten very unhealthy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So to go into detail:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For science, English, maths and social studies. Josh is always &#xA;(from me and everyone else in our class) using Snapchat talking to&#xA;people. These are the same subjects he is not strong at and&#xA;sometimes our maths teacher would worry for Josh's grades&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Josh is too addicted to chasing girls, focusing more on&#xA;girls instead of school. This is short-term satisfaction, I told him.&#xA;Thing is, he is not chasing girls for the chance of finding love. It&#xA;is more of a social status thing. For example, he goes around&#xA;bragging about having sex and recently, sending footage of him getting&#xA;head. (huge controversy, leading to a lot of people leaving group&#xA;chat because they were disgusted). BTW the reason for the use of his phone in class is to talk to these girls.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Recently, (like 20 mins ago) I tried talking to Josh about his phone addiction in class and suggesting for him to&#xA;get rid of Snapchat to be able to focus in class. His &#xA;response is that it is fine and that he is doing well in his&#xA;subjects. I am his closest friend, so yes, I know his grades, and as said before, he's not that strong in some subjects.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My classmates and other friends are aware of Josh's addiction and&#xA;several times, Josh has become more violent as well. I have&#xA;witnessed him slamming his &quot;close friend&quot; into a locker because&#xA;he dropped his phone.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this has gotten out of hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is:&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;How can I help Josh overcome his phone addiction?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2147" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T09:54:29.180" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T16:24:23.513" Title="How to stop my friend's insane phone addiction" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17735" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17734" CreationDate="2018-08-20T09:59:04.847" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like with every kind of addiction the hardest part is to make the person admit they have a problem. You did the right thing trying to address it with him and I would say you should give it a couple more tries before you give up on that option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the other options I can suggest will not be very popular with your classmates or Josh so they might cause some backlash if you are not careful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If talking with Josh doesn't work I would try to escalate it first with the teachers in school. I am 100% certain you have a no phones during class policy in the school so you can share your concerns with the teacher and ask them to be more strict about this policy. Make sure you explain you are asking because you are concerned for your friend and his grades and not because you think they are not doing their job right. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If issues continue I believe you should talk to Josh's parents. They are the people that should be able to remedy the situation. Just share your concerns with them and let them decide the best course of action. This might cost you your friendship though as it might be seen as you &quot;ratting&quot; on your friend and betraying his trust. I wish I had anything better to suggest. The amount of backlash really depends on how they handle the situation and how Josh will take it or how long it takes for him to realize you are actually trying to help him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T09:59:04.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17727" CreationDate="2018-08-20T10:04:06.013" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd really like to minimize the mutual-loss where I sacrifice time to cook for someone, and they force themselves to pretend to like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since your question is very broad, I will focus on this part. The way I handle cooking for someone the first time, is usually asking them two types of question: first I ask for their favorite dish (just to have some comparison, I usually don't cook exactly that... or I just ask for ingredients they like), secondly I ask whether there is something they completly dislike. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By cooking something related to their favorite dish and not using any &quot;bad&quot; ingrediants, I am quite confident that I never wasted the time I spent cooking for guests ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some additional inqueries (&quot;do you like spicy food?&quot;,...) can on the fine-tuning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One final hint: being very clear in your dinner invitations can help! I usually tell my guests the menu beforehand, giving them the option to interfere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4291" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T10:04:06.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17734" CreationDate="2018-08-20T14:29:23.183" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you describe is the typical spiral of a computer or internet addict: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They have a problem in the real world (bad at school, bad with girls, can be literally anything). They feel like they &lt;strong&gt;cannot accomplish anything of importance&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They retreat into the digital world where they &lt;strong&gt;can achieve virtual accomplishments&lt;/strong&gt;. In his case, the bragging right is far more valuable that the actual sex.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The addiction causes more problems in the real world.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They withdraw further and further.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking his phone away by force (by teachers of course) will keep him from using it during class, but it will not remove the cause of his addiction. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What he really needs in professional help.&lt;/strong&gt; As with any addiction, true change has to come from within. Only trained, professional psychologists can teach you to cope with your addiction and change yourself to get rid of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to his parents (in private) and explain the situation from your point of view. Tell them that this looks like an addiction to you and should be treated like alcoholism or drug abuse. If you really want to help, research programs for rehabilitating internet addicts and forward useful information to his parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What he also needs is a friend! If Josh's parents decide to talk to him about his addiction, there &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; be arguments, accusations, hurtful words and hurt feelings. Try to see it all as a symptom of his addiction and be aware that he doesn't mean half of it. Stay his friend and help him through it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more positive experiences you can give him in the real world, the less he needs to withdraw into the virtual world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T16:24:23.513" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T16:24:23.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17726" CreationDate="2018-08-20T14:48:10.360" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Define &quot;serious relationship&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not trying to be flippant or condescending, but definitions vary. For some a &quot;serious relationship&quot; is being in a relationship with someone they've fallen in love with whom they would like to remain in love with for the time being, for others &quot;serious relationship&quot; has a connotation of long term commitment, for others perhaps even life long commitment, and for still others it can carry some connotations like interdependence, monogamy, nesting, white picket fences... And so on, and so forth...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People have different ideas of what a &quot;serious relationship&quot; is, what it should look like, how people in serious relationships should behave, etc. Part of the trouble is that a lot of people seem to think that their interpretation of &quot;serious relationship&quot; is the correct, or only interpretation, and that their definition is universal and universally understood. Well... As troubling and non-romantic as it may sound... That's not really the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your interpretation is perhaps a little more &lt;em&gt;&quot;traditional&quot;&lt;/em&gt;? I really hate that word... &quot;Traditional&quot; always carries connotations. Perhaps better put, your interpretation would seem to include things like monogamy, long term commitment, and eventually settling down with a life partner, or husband. &lt;strong&gt;There's nothing wrong with this interpretation.&lt;/strong&gt; It's beautiful and romantic and it works well for an awful lot of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your, partner? boyfriend? friend with benefits? may have a different interpretation of &quot;serious relationship&quot;. His interpretation might include a lot of the same goals and values, but you won't know for sure until he's ready to have those conversations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it sounds like he isn't really ready to have those conversations, possibly because his interpretation has been tarnished by previous relationships. Again, you can't know for sure until you two talk about it, but this is often the case. Take &quot;long term commitment&quot; as an example; while that may sound like reassuring security to you, it may sound like uncomfortable vulnerability and/or possessiveness to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand you're about to turn 19... And while it's trite and cliche... You're awfully young. (Please don't hate me for saying it, at least not as much as I hated people for saying it when I was engaged to be married at your age.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not trying to say that you're incapable of having serious relationships, or that you don't know what love is. I'm not trying to invalidate you in any way. But... It's worth keeping in mind that the person you are at 19 is likely going to be a very different than the person you will be at 25. Just like the person you are now is very different than the person you were at 13. You're at a stage in life where you're learning, growing, and changing rapidly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I'm not intending to invalidate you, or your relationship. It's just worth keeping all that in mind if you want to work towards that interpretation of &quot;serious relationships&quot;. You'll be growing and changing a lot in the next 5-10 years, so if you're hoping for a relationship that will last that long, it'll be pretty important to ask yourself if you two are growing and changing in similar directions and have similar goals. Truth be told, that advice holds at most any age. Most folks never stop growing and changing over the years, people grow together or they grow apart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond asking what definitions of &quot;serious relationship&quot; you're working with, and asking if you are growing in similar directions towards similar goals... Ask yourself if this relationship is working for you right now. Are you enjoying this? If nothing changed would you be happy? Looking forward to the future with someone is great, but you can't live there, you have to live in &lt;em&gt;the right now.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your &lt;em&gt;right now&lt;/em&gt; sucks, because you don't feel secure in your relationship as it stands, you're going to have to communicate with your guy about it. Many people don't respond well to the &quot;serious relationship talk&quot;, sounds much too serious, and can come across as a demand to move the relationship forward at an unnatural pace. Keep in mind that adding seriousness to a relationship that sucks may not fix the relationship, it may just lead a serious relationship that sucks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than having that serious relationship talk, you could tell him how you're feeling &lt;em&gt;right now&lt;/em&gt; and why you're feeling that way, without asking for a &quot;serious relationship&quot;. Let him respond to your feelings. Talking about your &lt;em&gt;right now&lt;/em&gt; may help it suck a little less, and it may lead to an opportunity to talk about definitions and goals. You may even find, as is oftentimes the case, that you're already having a serious relationship he's just afraid to call it that, because of a tarnished definition of &quot;serious relationship&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T14:48:10.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17740" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17744" CreationDate="2018-08-20T15:01:35.910" Score="92" ViewCount="21975" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had some guests in town visiting from Europe this past weekend. They wanted to treat me to a nice meal as a thank you for me hosting them so we went out to one of my favorite restaurants, which was very nice of them. When the check came I noticed they didn't leave a tip so I kindly explained what the protocol is here and that the waitstaff rely on tips for their living. Still they were uncomfortable with the idea and refused because of something or other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was very uneasy about this because not only will the staff be totally stiffed, but I don't know if I can show my face there again now. I thought about leaving the tip myself, but my guests would probably have been offended at me implying they were cheapskates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: what's the best approach for dealing with this where the restaurant staff gets their tip and the friends don't get offended?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19030" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T16:21:03.887" Title="Covering for person who refuses to tip waiter without offending?" Tags="&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;tipping&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17740" CreationDate="2018-08-20T15:29:59.783" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should leave the tip yourself while briefly explaining the custom. It's &quot;optional&quot; in that it isn't formally enforced (as the overall bill would be if you tried to dine-and-dash), but it's not really a &quot;bonus&quot; for the people working there. At worst, you can double back and leave some cash on the table in the hopes that your friends won't notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tip is not much relative to the cost of the whole meal and so it's still a nice thing for your friends to do for you even if they decline to cover the tip themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The convention for restaurants in the U.S. (where I presume you are based) is to tip, and the restaurant business in virtually all U.S. restaurants is based around that (for example, waitstaff pay is often set under the assumption of tips being provided around a certain level). Even if the service is poor the expected result is generally a &lt;em&gt;small&lt;/em&gt; tip, not none at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand confusion for someone who comes from a place where tipping isn't done. But while it was nice of them to want to treat you to a meal, a tip is part of the cost of that meal. Not tipping is loosely equivalent to leaving payment for only ~85% of your bill in any other context, and if you tried that while visiting them I doubt they would just shrug it off. Particularly at a local restaurant they would want to go to again!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T15:29:59.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17740" CreationDate="2018-08-20T15:42:27.747" Score="196" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been through similar situations (friends not tipping because they didn't have money or because service was 'too slow').  In the cases where I knew I'd be a returning customer and didn't want to make a bad impression, I would usually try to sneakily add extra tip in my own bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in the case where your guests are covering the whole bill and you're unable to &quot;sneak&quot; a tip in unnoticed, I suggest explaining the cultural expectation (as you did), and when they say they're still uncomfortable with it, &lt;strong&gt;calmly&lt;/strong&gt; saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;That's alright if you aren't comfortable with it, I really appreciate that you bought my whole meal, so I'll go ahead and pick up the tip.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying this nonchalantly is a good way of keeping the situation de-escalated and emphasizing that you're thankful for their gratuity in buying you a meal. If they argue about you spending money, just remind them that you live here and want to be able to return without a bad reputation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't mind if you don't want to tip, but it makes me uncomfortable &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; leaving one since I come here often and the staff expect it. Since you paid for my whole meal, I'm more than happy to pick up the tip since I'm the one wanting to leave it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing so, you're reminding them that even if it doesn't seem normal to &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, it's an expectation and a norm for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to that you still need to maintain since you live here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T21:13:18.043" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T21:13:18.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17740" CreationDate="2018-08-20T16:04:28.490" Score="80" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be clear, while the amount of the tip you leave is somewhat flexible, in countries like the United States where it is customary, you should leave a tip unless the service is extraordinarily bad (but that's been so rare that when it happens I complain to the manager and get the entire meal comped.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not leaving a tip actually &lt;em&gt;punishes&lt;/em&gt; the waiters and staff, since many restaurants typically underpay the hourly for waiters and instead expect them to make it up from tips.  Plus, many restaurants share tips between waiters, as well as with the busboys and sometimes even the kitchen staff, in order to encourage cooperation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can argue that this is an unreasonable or an unfair system, but I think that's off-topic.  The point is that tipping is &lt;em&gt;expected behavior&lt;/em&gt; and it's fairly rude not to add the tip to the cost of the meal.  I'm sure there are many customs in their own country that would be similarly impolite if ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That being said&lt;/strong&gt;: If someone has offered to pay for your meal, and does not leave a tip, it's on &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;, not on &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.  You should try to explain the custom to them, but you should neither force them to leave a tip or risk embarrassing them by ostentatiously leaving a tip where they can see you doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want, you can make some excuse to separate yourself from the group on your way out, go to your waiter (or the manager), and surreptitiously give them some cash, with a brief explanation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, my friends are from Europe where they don't tip, so I hope this will cover it?  Thank you so much for a wonderful meal!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can pull this off, you will have gracefully smoothed over any ruffled feathers from the restaurant staff while simultaneously not ruffling any of your friends' feathers, the best of both worlds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, then let it go for now -- but make sure to remember the name of your waiter.&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; The next time you visit, you should be able to request that person, and leave them an extra tip to make up for the previous visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. I can't speak for other places, but in every restaurant in California that I know we have the same primary waiter the entire meal. The exception is when one waiter is done for the day, in which case they come over to explain and introduce the new waiter. The other people who come around to clear dishes or refill drinks are other staff like busboys, etc, which is why I mention that many restaurants share tips, to motivate everyone to provide the best service. This is for restaurants that have formal waitstaff, of course.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T23:14:42.383" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T23:14:42.383" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17740" CreationDate="2018-08-20T16:13:11.973" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've faced a similar situation, in which my dad left a small tip despite the service being great. While this situation is a little different because there's no cultural difference (although maybe it's a generational difference), my course of action could still apply.  In this situation, I expressed to my dad that I was unhappy with the small tip, reminding him that the service was perfect and that servers often rely on tips. When he refused to leave a larger tip, I simply added to the tip myself. While he was a little upset, I achieved my goal of leaving a larger tip, and I expressed to him my reasons for doing so, even if he didn't agree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, I would highly recommend leaving a larger tip, even if your friends don't understand why. You explained to them the custom of tipping, and you don't really owe them anything else. After all, you mentioned that this restaurant was one of your favorites and now you don't feel like you can return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T16:13:11.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17697" CreationDate="2018-08-20T16:17:44.333" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Footing the bill for expensive vacations for your friends doesn't sound very sustainable - and it could lead to future issues with your friends, such as them feeling guilty about you paying, or them starting to take advantage of your wealth. Yelm's suggestion about planning expensive trips far in advance might also work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I would recommend planning expensive vacations on your own or with friends that can afford it. I would suggest planning cheaper excursions with your friends that aren't as well off - such as day trips, or a vacation to somewhere within driving distance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, don't forget to take into account what your friends want to do - they probably have good suggestions of fun things to do together that are within their budgets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T16:17:44.333" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17740" CreationDate="2018-08-20T17:04:24.520" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I've been in these situations, usually with older people and less so with foreigners, I don't &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; anything to those in my party. Instead I look for a careful way to leave some cash at the table, or if I'm desperate, perform a discrete hand off directly with the server.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's never failed me to &quot;accidentally&quot; leave something at the table, then once everyone has exited the restaurant, &quot;notice&quot; it's missing and run back in real quick to collect it, using that opportunity to drop some cash on the table. It also works to wait until everyone has left and then slip back in real quick to &quot;use the restroom&quot;. The only times I've approached the server directly is when I'm with people who see me regularly enough they might otherwise notice a pattern, forcing me to use different tactics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I see it, if someone I'm dining with is buying my dinner for me, it's reasonable for me to leave the tip anyway. Or if I'm with someone(s) who for whatever reasons refuses to tip, or tips poorly, then I justify this as damage control for my own reputation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With respect to the &quot;cultural disconnect&quot;, when it's generational, the table is a risky place for that conversation. I've never known that conversation to result in one party or the other eventually conceding to a change of thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4408" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T17:04:24.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17748" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-20T19:54:29.880" Score="19" ViewCount="4496" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was recently on an public meeting with 2 famous journalists. As it's usual, firstly there was an organized discussion lead by the host, after which there was a space for questions from the audience. Between those 2 parts, there was a 10 minute break, during which everyone stood in groups in the bar with a cigarette or a glass of wine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it OK to join the talk in these groups, if it's nothing personal? Are they always people who knew each other before?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="171" LastEditorUserId="171" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T06:46:03.010" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T10:44:53.840" Title="Is it OK to engage in strangers' conversation during a break in a lecture?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17748" CreationDate="2018-08-20T19:59:23.737" Score="27" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it OK to join the talk in these groups, if it's not anything personal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't go to journalism conferences, but I go to developer conferences regularly. As long as you are polite there is nothing wrong with approaching people and introducing yourself. Networking and meeting other professionals is a major reason to attend professional conferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are they always people who knew each other before?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often am with a co-worker or someone else I know at these conferences, and I still welcome the chance to meet new people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T10:44:53.840" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T10:44:53.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17750" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-20T20:57:54.220" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Pronoun trouble&lt;a href=&quot;https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6e1hZGDaqIw&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;!&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first problem I see when reading your conversation is you are using &lt;em&gt;quite a lot&lt;/em&gt; of placeholder words: like &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;that, them, it, such a, this&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; ... to refer to past bits of the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very often with substitution words, you and the other person are not referring to the same &quot;that&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a heated conversation, that is a recipe for disaster.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, when you're mad, and someone uses a substitution word like that&quot;, you tend to map it to &lt;em&gt;whatever you're angry about&lt;/em&gt;.   So even more than usual, the &quot;that&quot; which you are referring to is &lt;em&gt;not the same&lt;/em&gt; as the &quot;that&quot; which she thinks you mean.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sets you into a death spiral, with you defending the &quot;that&quot; which is correct from your perspective, and &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; hearing you defend a different &quot;that&quot; which is ludicrous or unfair from her perspective.   You don't even realize you are talking about different &quot;thats&quot;.   Allow this to go too deep and there's no recovering from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you need to create a hard &quot;break&quot; in the conversation at once.  Either step away, or create what appears to be a snap turn (from her perspective) where you start agreeing with her &quot;that&quot;.  And you are welcome to attribute this snap turn to &quot;not understanding what she meant&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then at some point in the future, lay down the facts at hand in a format which lends itself to presenting those facts.  Voice conversation often isn't it. Often times I print it out on paper.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also helps to make her feel included: present options A, B or C, and warn that the desirable option may not last. She's likely to say &quot;book it fast&quot; in which case you already did.   If she wants something else, you work it out, and if it ends up not being the place you booked, call and cancel it (after you have the new place booked). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T20:57:54.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17751" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17727" CreationDate="2018-08-20T21:08:15.853" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My best strategy for this (and it doesn't always work well) is to ask what people think might &lt;em&gt;improve&lt;/em&gt; the dishes I prepared. I'm always ready to tweak recipes and like to do so until I find the approach that makes dishes come out just the way I like them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The opening of &quot;what changes do you think might make this better?&quot; gives people a soft opening for critiques that they might otherwise be too polite to mention, and can also let people highlight things that they liked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T16:55:13.247" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T16:55:13.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17752" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-20T21:10:18.083" Score="8" ViewCount="382" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm someone who always has a lot of projects going - inventions, car resto-mods, home repair, programming, etc.  Inevitably a proportion of the people I meet see this as an opportunity to get someone to implement their Big Idea for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few people I trust to do projects for; the projects are limited in scope and we usually trade for time or if it's for a good cause.  The ones that scare me are the completely open-ended projects (&quot;revolutionize an industry&quot;, &quot;million dollar idea&quot;), or when they say &quot;wow I might have regular work to send your way.&quot; (I already have a full-time engineering job.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is my personal time is my most limited resource.  If I had additional time I'd use it to further one of my own backlogged projects.  When I carve time out to be social, getting roped into another project as a result of that does not help me keep a balanced life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm happy to teach, but few want to learn.  I can critique an idea and advise how to fix it, but have learned the former is never welcome and the latter is never heeded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet I'm still trying to be social.  How do I tell someone, &quot;I don't have time to &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; things for you,&quot; without coming across as saying, &quot;I don't have time &lt;em&gt;for&lt;/em&gt; you&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21047" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-08-20T21:14:47.507" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T21:15:29.970" Title="How to deal with friends or acquaintances requests to do their big idea projects?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17752" CreationDate="2018-08-20T21:15:29.970" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you mention in your question that you can &quot;critique and idea and advise how to fix it,&quot; I suggest that you tell your friends/acquaintances just that. Explain your limited time just as you explained it here - that you value the time you do have and you have plenty of your own projects to work on. That's all you have to say - &lt;strong&gt;it's perfectly justified, and you don't owe anybody anything else&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That sounds like an interesting idea and I'd love to see how it turns&#xA;  out, but unfortunately I don't have time to take this on. If you want&#xA;  advice or feedback further into the process, I'd be happy to help you&#xA;  out with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, since you say that your criticism and advice generally hasn't been well received, I would recommend not offering it without being asked for it. Just make it clear that you're happy to give it if asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T21:15:29.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17748" CreationDate="2018-08-20T21:18:50.660" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally, yes. I think it's important to read the tone of the strangers' conversation - if it seems like they're discussing something serious or personal, best to not join the conversation.  However, I'm sure most of the attendees at such a conference are there to network and meet new people, so you would probably be well received.  You could approach a group of people, introduce yourself and ask a question related to the discussion, or ask them why they're at the conference/what they hope to get out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-20T21:18:50.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17755" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17727" CreationDate="2018-08-21T00:05:58.287" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe the key to getting meaningful feedback on your cooking is by being a leader at the table.  In other words, by modeling the behavior that you wish the diners would have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, before that, make sure that you actually do want honest criticism and can handle it.  I know that when I cook, I mostly don't want that  :p).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are a few suggestions for how to tease honest appraisals out of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Create an environment where people feel safe to share their feelings about food.&#xA;Or in other words, try really hard to be positive and to keep the experience fun for your diners.&#xA;If the diners are having fun, then they'll assume you're having fun, and they&#xA;wont think they've offended you in their behavior.  They will begin to ease up on masking their true feelings and thoughts about the food.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talk about what you think about the food you've prepared.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It will demonstrate the words and language used to describe food.  Food is&#xA;hard to talk and think about.  And, though I'm not an expert at food, I'd suppose&#xA;there is a specialized vernacular for talking about food among experts.  But,&#xA;most people won't have such language arsenal to use.  However, if they are having&#xA;the same experience with food that you are, and you describe it, then they will&#xA;automatically associate your description of the food with their experience.  With&#xA;time, they will start using the same type of language you used.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It will demonstrate what food descriptions you consider acceptable at the table.&#xA;For those who are fearful of being offensive, if they hear your critiques, they&#xA;will be more likely to share those same critiques in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Expressly ask for peoples opinions.&#xA;It may not get you immediate results, but it will cause people to start thinking about&#xA;how they might respond to your request.  It will also clue people in to the fact that you at least think that you want criticism. At this point, some people will start to subtly test you to see if you can really handle what they think.  I'd suppose, some others may test you in other not so subtle ways.  If they feel good about those tests, they may take you up on your request.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When somebody shares a thought or opinion about the food, take a moment&#xA;to validate their thinking.  The validation needs to be on the same level as the person&#xA;giving you their thoughts.  For a child, it may be &quot;that's an awesome idea&quot; or &quot;your right, it is too salty&quot;.&#xA;For an adult, it may be thinking about their suggestion for a moment so that you can give&#xA;a comment back that shows an expansion on their idea.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These types of suggestions, I suspect, will also apply to non-verbal communication, like forcing yourself to eat food that you don't like. Help people feel good and happy at the table, and I think their behaviors will reflect how they feel about the food more accurately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21049" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T00:05:58.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17756" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-21T01:21:03.503" Score="1" ViewCount="345" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ive been getting very upset over this - not sure if i should be or if im just over sensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically my friend from france has just moved to the london (where i live) and doesn't seem so enthusiastic to meet. To offer some background, we've been  very close for 4 years and actually used to go out but then remained friends, messaging every other day since etc.&#xA;Since I've been getting the impression that I'm not so high on his priority list since his move, i've ceased to send initial messages to him, yet he still frequently messages me. The constant communication contrasted with his disinterest to meet is hurting me pretty bad and im not so sure what i should do.&#xA;Advice anyone?&#xA;Thanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21051" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T02:04:07.043" Title="My friend doesn't want to spend time with me" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-08-21T02:44:16.297" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17727" CreationDate="2018-08-21T01:48:33.270" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm imagining you saying cheerfully, at the end of the meal, &quot;So if you had to pick one of these dishes to have again, what would you vote for? Joe, let's start with you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should give you some specifics about what's good, and if no one votes for a dish, you know that something is likely wrong with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in fact, once you know that something is likely bad, it might be easier to bring it to another person or group and say, &quot;OK, this dish is not successful, but I can't quite put my finger on why. Could you do me the favor of tasting it and criticizing it? Remember, I am absolutely looking to hear what's &lt;em&gt;bad&lt;/em&gt; about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T01:48:33.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17758" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17778" CreationDate="2018-08-21T01:52:13.147" Score="2" ViewCount="739" Body="&lt;p&gt;Today, I entered my new school (I'm in 9th grade) and, as you could guess, I had no friends, but there was some guys that were so good to explain me and stay with me. I really like staying with these 2 guys, they are actually three, but, the third one is so rude!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my country, almost every person you know always talks to you with rudeness, even in a &quot;good/normal&quot; way, but in a bad way too. This guy is always talking to me with rudeness and making bad jokes, also, he throws me stuff even when I've only known him for like an hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;He's always like that, don't care that much&quot;, but, he's really annoying! I just don't follow his games because it can be worse; the other problem here is that I'm in a group where there are only 6 boys, including me. The 34 people left are girls! I also want to hang out with girls, but I'm not that good and I feel so uncomfortable, all people in this school have knowed each other because of their past years, but I'm new! (The only one)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20886" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T10:11:36.123" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T17:27:46.900" Title="How can I deal with a rude classmate?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-08-21T19:29:25.013" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17756" CreationDate="2018-08-21T02:04:07.043" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assorted thoughts:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The friend just moved. He/she may just be really busy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If every invitation has been for a similar activity, you might want to suggest a different activity. You've been suggesting dinner? Suggest coffee. Suggesting a weeknight? Try a weekend afternoon. Suggesting your house? Suggest going out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If that doesn't work, it might be time to politely and cheerfully signal that the ball is in their court. &quot;Hey, I can tell that you're really busy settling in. I'm going to stop pestering you with invitations and just let you know that I am totally still interested in getting together, whenever things get a little calmer for you.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you used to date, is it possible that they both (1) are dating someone else and (2) are afraid you'll be offended by that fact? The ball-in-their-court strategy might help with that too--it might make it clear that you're not too intense about this. (Even if you are.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T02:04:07.043" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17761" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17763" CreationDate="2018-08-21T03:52:43.763" Score="25" ViewCount="11564" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sorry this got a little long...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am self-studying a course. Two years ago I began to use some lectures by a professor from the United States (I'm from a different country). He is retired now. While watching his lectures, I began to have some questions about the topics. So I usually sent him an email which he usually replies to quickly. This has been going for a long time and I am extremely grateful that he almost always found time to answer my questions and even answer my follow up questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last month, I sent him an email. He didn't respond. This is perfectly understandable because he might be very busy. The next day I sent him another email asking another question, and he responded to wait for a week before he can answer me because he has been very busy. I'm pretty ashamed at this point because I'm not sure if I am annoying him already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, yesterday I thought he is no longer busy, I sent him an email to ask another question. He responded something like this (not exact words):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry it looks like I am ignoring you. I have been very busy and&#xA;  answering your questions isn't a small amount of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then proceeds to answer my question and asked if I understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I began to panic because he felt that he is ignoring me. The thing is I don't feel ignored at all. I know he's busy. In fact when I first started sending emails my hope is he would reply just a few times. I never expected he would help me a lot by always replying to my emails.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is: how can I tell this professor that I don't feel ignore by him because I know he can be very busy and just answer my questions if he has the time? And also, if it matters, how can I express that I am extremely grateful he even answers my questions at all? I am not even one of his students. I just know about him through his lecture videos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure what to do because I don't know the culture of the United States and I might offend him somehow by replying rashly. This professor has been very kind to me, and I do not wish to do something that might offend him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21058" LastEditorUserId="21058" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T05:47:14.300" LastActivityDate="2020-12-13T14:15:11.340" Title="How to tell a professor that I don't mind if he is busy?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17761" CreationDate="2018-08-21T04:59:02.350" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;A possible gushing response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: &quot;Sorry it looks like I am ignoring you. I have been very busy and answering your questions isn't a small amount of time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &quot;Professor (Name), I can't express how much I appreciate the time and effort that you put into answering my questions. You've been doing me a huge favor and helping in my studies more than I can say. I'm always happy to wait until you have time to answer, and if you're too busy to answer any longer, I will completely understand and still be immensely grateful for what you've done for me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't say, &quot;Yes, I'm too busy, sorry,&quot; I would suggest that you probably wait for the response to each question before you send another question. If the delay is so long that you fear that he may not have even seen the last question, you might make an exception, but in general, I would suggest one question at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T04:59:02.350" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17764" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-21T05:02:47.887" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Learn to make her feel what is wrong&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Believe it or not, she feels she's doing the right thing, although she might not. This problem is pretty common. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People act following feelings. You don't think what will happen if you fall down as you walk, all the pain et.al. You just walk, and avoid falling down. All the logic behind is already imprinted in your mind. So, we just act following feelings, even intelligent people. We don't have the time to think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But some people don't have the basics correctly imprinted. Just as your girlfriend, who feels she need to react emotionally, without prioritizing reasons or logic. Behavioral causality (how to react to an action or stimulus) is a learned mechanism, and it can be changed. Ask Pavlov. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, this is the process to help someone having wrong reactions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You need to &lt;strong&gt;discover the underlying issue and name it&lt;/strong&gt;. After having an issue, and after she gets rationality back, you must discuss with her what was the problem and give it a name. A short name is ideal, you will need it, like &quot;emotional reactions are useless&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You need to &lt;strong&gt;repeat each problem's name after it occurs&lt;/strong&gt;. And you will follow the same reasoning scheme you've used previously. Problems names should become catchphrases, like &quot;avoid reacting emotionally before thinking&quot; or whatever.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the key is detecting and repeating. Repetition in the right circumstances will cause her to detect and &lt;strong&gt;feel&lt;/strong&gt; something is wrong. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she feels something is wrong after naming the problem, and that behavior repeats, eventually she will start feeling that something is wrong &lt;strong&gt;without naming the problem&lt;/strong&gt;. Success.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Warning&lt;/strong&gt;: Although this process could be appear to be manipulative, it is just a tool, like a gun. You decide if you want to use it. Because if you use it for good, you can really help others. But if you use it for bad, you can really harm others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This knowledge is applicable to any communications issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21059" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T05:02:47.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17766" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17769" CreationDate="2018-08-21T09:01:07.237" Score="13" ViewCount="4718" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every time my grandmother talks to me (everyday since I live in their house for almost a year now) she brings up a sensitive topic.&#xA;This situation has been going on for about 4 months now and I can’t stand it any longer and I know if I have to deal with this much more I will explode and I don’t want that to happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Topic:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The topic is about the fact that I will get money from an estate that is currently getting sold.&#xA;The reason this topic is sensitive to me is because I worked together with my stepmother to renovate the house and my grandmother hates her to death. She uses every chance to talk bad about her and in general spreads negativity whenever she can. E.g. &quot;Why do you even try, she won’t give you your money anyway&quot; or &quot;You still help her?  You are wasting your time!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Actions:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tell her every time that it’s worth putting work into renovating an old house and I will get my money because my stepmother is not as evil as my grandmother thinks she is. Every time I try to tell her, she says I am such a naive fool.&#xA;Still, she won't stop. It's not like she has Alzheimer’s or anything similar, but it seems she just loves to bring it up all the time. It has come to a point where I simply don't talk to her anymore until she bursts into my apartment/my room and I have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say to her that stops her from bringing up this sensitive topic to me every time she talks to me although I tell her not to, because it worsens my mood?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12107" LastEditorUserId="18174" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T14:02:44.247" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T00:47:14.643" Title="How to clarify to a person that I don't want her to talk to me about a certain topic anymore?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;taboo&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17766" CreationDate="2018-08-21T09:16:55.437" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, if you didn't try that already, try explaining to her that she hurt your feelings when she says what she says. Tell her that you would like her to trust your judgment or stop bringing that up. Be calm but firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you already did this multiple time and it doesn't work, try adding emotions to your speach. When she bring the topic up, get mad at her, show your feelings. You don't have to get too mad but enought that she will understand that you are not okay with her saying what she says. Repeated this as many time as necessary. She might get the point eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;To summarize&lt;/strong&gt; : if the calm and reasonable approach doesn't work, show your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T09:24:02.863" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T09:24:02.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17768" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17773" CreationDate="2018-08-21T09:31:38.500" Score="14" ViewCount="7372" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to the gym quite frequently, so does the guy this question revolves around. I don't really like chit-chatting (or talking in general) while im working out - I'm usually in my zone, with headphones on and music blasting. Never had an issue with someone interrupting me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday though, the gym was pretty well visited. Thus I had to work in on the same machine with this guy (he did his set and while he takes a break I did my mine, and so on) so none of us had to wait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thing is, he was doing a slightly different exercise than me and then tried to convince me to do this exercise too, because to him it seems superior. I tried to tell him I'd rather do the exercise I normally do but he kept on talking about the benefits, which annoyed me a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate it when people try to talk me into something which clearly is not on my current workout routine or try to correct my form. Especially when it's like this guy, who has horrible form himself and doesn't seem to know a lot about the exercises. (all of this I obviously didn't say to him, because I don't want to sound rude)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I turn him (or others) down quicker in the future?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="2478" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T20:54:03.573" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T00:35:37.997" Title="How to turn down unsolicited advice at the gym?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;exercise&gt;&lt;gym&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-08-22T08:22:19.610" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17769" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17766" CreationDate="2018-08-21T09:33:01.297" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is your grandmother. And she obviously cares for your future because blood is thicker than water. But it seems apparent that she is harbouring resentment towards your Stepmother, because of something in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last thing to do is antagonise your grandmother. Instead you have to try and soothe her feelings so that she stops offending you with repetitive comments casting doubt upon your future fortune with your stepmother. You can explain that nothing is certain in life, nobody knows what will happen but you decided that it would be good to be a part of the renovation with no expectations. You could ask her to respect your decision and allow you to make your own mistakes, allow you to grow up yourself. Also you could ask her if she could think about reconciliation with your stepmother by asking for her suggestions on how that may be achieved, and how you could mediate in this. It is her problem, and she is making it your problem. You have to show her that her words will not change the relationship that you have with your stepmother. Try these things, then when she talks about again just walk away straight away and close the door behind you for a while without anger or any words at all. Keep on doing this until she knows that it is pointless making her repetitive provocation, and starts to think about what it would be like to lose you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T09:33:01.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17768" CreationDate="2018-08-21T09:46:19.567" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;The classic advice is to keep your headphones in. This will either discourage someone from talking to you in the first place, or if they do you have justification for not hearing them, whether you genuinely didn't, or did but chose to ignore them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have to talk, you could say something like, &quot;I'd prefer to do it my way, thanks.&quot; If they persist, just repeat it or some variation of it. Eventually they'll get the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the gym, if you want to escalate this, you could always make a complaint about being harassed to the owners and they might have a talk with the person in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5711" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T09:46:19.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17766" CreationDate="2018-08-21T09:47:12.053" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mom used to make fun and insult my dad, her ex-husband. What worked for me in theses situations was honesty &amp;amp; calm, and this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to explain super calmly that you need to be listened &quot;now I will say something really important for me, so don't interrupt me&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then find the good argument for the situation. Why do you think she can't talk bad about your stepmother or your project: because that woman is part of your family and you think family is the most important, or you think that's natural to help people, or something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you explain her that if she can't understand this and calm down when you two talk about that, this will install a taboo between you two, because you can't stand this anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also write her a letter/email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21069" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T09:47:12.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17758" CreationDate="2018-08-21T09:50:02.613" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have no idea of how you can deal with the bullying in itself. However, I can give you advice about the overall situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start making new friends. If the situation with this third guy doesn't improve, you will be glade to have other people to turn to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say that you are not good at making new friends, so find people that are shy/weird/not good in socializing, in brief: people like you (thats not a negative jugement, I'm one of these people). There are probably more likely to accept you in there group than the popular one. If you don't know how to recognize them, find the ones that avoid spotlight. Then, go toward them, introduce yourself and ask if you could join them (or use whatever technique you feel fits to make new friends).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you still want to stay with your first group and want the bulling to stop, try saying calmly but firmly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you stop this? It's very annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I'm not really optimiste about the effect of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After I read the answer of &quot;and a dot&quot;, I came up with a third strategy that can be put in place if the second one fail:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Choose the person you like the most in this group. Find a way to talk to him privately. Explain to him that X is really annoying you. Then, ask him if he could interfere to make X stop. With any luck, this will fix the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T13:40:41.300" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T13:40:41.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17773" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17768" CreationDate="2018-08-21T10:04:07.657" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/17770/8354&quot;&gt;@pyro&lt;/a&gt;'s response, I will add this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When this kind of situation happens to me, I use my technique of &quot;politely not engaging in the conversation&quot;. In other words, I let them speak but instead of responding &quot;yes&quot; or &quot;no&quot; when needed, I just say a neutral &quot;humm&quot;. This &quot;humm&quot; is just here to say &quot;I hear you&quot;. Eventually they will stop talking, maybe ask you if you are convinced, to which you can respond: &quot;I'd prefer to do it my way but thanks&quot;. At this point, they will probably end the conversation, disappointed. If not, just keep using the same technique and refuse to argue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T21:51:17.687" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T21:51:17.687" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="10799" CreationDate="2018-08-21T10:12:51.870" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a few very good answers and they cover a multitude of scenarios.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before revealing your feelings to your mother, it would be helpful to consider the following points.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;YOUR REASONS&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit down and contemplate why it is that you now consider yourself to be an atheist. Be very true to yourself and make sure that you are certain what these reasons are. This will give you confidence of where you are spiritually in the present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;YOUR UPBRINGING&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Realise that although you are no longer part of it, your mother's ideas concerning her religion has produced a moral code which has reflected upon you. For example you have loving feelings towards your family, you do not wish to hurt them and have respect for them. These feelings have been inspired by her ideas around her religion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;YOUR MOTHER&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how many times people may practice their religion, the decision to be a good person is their decision and not the religious institution. You mother is responsible for her kind acts in bringing you into the world. You are obliged to treat your mother sensitively, and she deserves your real and your most innermost feelings. To be fair you must be honest and not hide from your truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;THE FUTURE&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody knows the future. You might deny all religion now, but something may call you back at some future point. Realise that you consider your self an atheist at the moment - but possibly not for all of your life. Your beliefs have taken you where you are right now. Allow your mother to be your protector, to help you in her own way, and once you have explained your non- beliefs then accompany her to church out of respect and a willingness to be part of your mothers life and expectations, not because of the religious regime. Whilst there take note of the sermon and try to see the messages within them without being bound by them. The Bible has been around for a long time and there are many lessons to be learned from it. Lessons in human nature, and how to respond to others. But you do not have to believe in the concept of god to do this nor believe in the hereafter to gain wisdom and an ethical code without illusion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastEditorUserId="19168" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T19:49:01.460" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T19:49:01.460" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17776" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17761" CreationDate="2018-08-21T11:02:04.680" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to break your dependency on this professor, for your benefit and his.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is entirely possible that he has been too busy recently and will resume &quot;normal service&quot; in due course.  You just need to be patient and find some other way to get the answers you need.  Maybe there is a Stack Exchange site on the subject you're studying, or some other internet resource, where you can ask a community your questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But another possibility is that you're becoming too much of a burden on him and he is being polite, withdrawing support on the basis of being &quot;busy&quot;.  He most likely doesn't want to leave you high and dry.  But on the other hand he wants a life, and has indicated that your questions take a lot of his time.  You have said this has been happening for a long time and maybe it has started to become too long, for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit as requested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you're asking the wrong question.  You would come across as extremely arrogant to let him know it's OK with you that he's busy for a while.  He is not your servant and he doesn't owe you anything.  On the contrary you owe him a great deal of thanks.  Consequently my answer focuses on how I think you should respond to the current situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The direct answer then, in my opinion, is &quot;You don't&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10487" LastEditorUserId="10487" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T12:40:26.480" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T12:40:26.480" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17641" CreationDate="2018-08-21T12:00:10.927" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note that the attention span of people is very different. There are people that can listen for minutes, absorbing much information from the input. On the other hand, some people only absorb one piece of information that is processed and has to be discussed at once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note also that this hasn't much to do with intelligence, as intelligence is related to the speed of processing rather than being able to listen properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems like such a situation: Due to a misunderstanding, your girlfriend absorbs one information:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The room costs 500€ per night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This triggers a hefty reaction: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't pay that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now she is unable to process more information until the initial problem has been solved. All that you are adding is interpreted as disregarding her problem, which is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't pay that!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only information that is helpful in this situation is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't have to pay that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without explicitly conveying this information, you will have nearly no chance to get through, and all snarky remarks or &quot;read again&quot;s will exacerbate the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A general hint: If you have to interact with people with a very small attention span, ironic remarks are not the best option. They often get misunderstood, and then they are the only information that gets processed, leaving the person to wonder why you are so unfair or mean. You'll have to resort to clear communication as much as possible, conveying the important facts in the first part of the first sentence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12109" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T12:00:10.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17758" CreationDate="2018-08-21T12:42:53.393" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Venture out and make some friends, don't worry if they are girls, it is fine to make friends with girls too, girls tend to be more understanding and caring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the rude guy, well, ignore him. Most people bully because they see satisfaction in it or just want attention, if you do not give him attention, aka ignore him, he will not gain any satisfaction and not bother you. He himself, will feel lonely too. We all have feelings, and when we are left out or ignored, we don't feel as good, so, ignore him, ignore his existence, don't bother with him. He is part of the society so let him be, do not even bother to hate him, he do his thing, you do your thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand, he might be really annoying you, but if you show annoyance, you are satisfying his desire to bully and do it more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are 2 ways I would go about it, one way is as mentioned, ignore, or another way, is to assert dominance and raise my voice at him, what I used to do was &quot;What is wrong with you? Grow the f*** up!&quot; That might come out as being rude and honestly set a bad impression, so i really do not advise you do that. Especially when your still new. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For now, just ignore! It is what it is, such people are all over the society, best we can do to ourselves is not to feed into their desire to bully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19280" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T12:42:53.393" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17779" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17761" CreationDate="2018-08-21T12:49:25.337" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mentioned the professor is retired now. To me his reply sounds like initially he thought you'd just be asking him one or two questions, but now you are basically using him like he's your professor with regular office hours. He's very politely letting you know not to bother him anymore and let him enjoy his retirement (he should be less busy now, shouldn't he?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't tell him you don't mind, leave the guy alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21074" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T12:49:25.337" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17780" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-21T13:40:23.820" Score="-5" ViewCount="1548" Body="&lt;p&gt;I do not support the tipping system. I think it's absolutely repulsive that restaurants don't just pay their employees what they ought to be paid, and instead have them relying on the whims of random customers (and their wallet sizes). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Change is only going to come about through resistance, and for that reason, I do not tip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inspired by this thread, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/17740/covering-for-person-who-refuses-to-tip-waiter-without-offending&quot;&gt;Covering for person who refuses to tip waiter without offending?&lt;/a&gt;, how do I then deal with Americans who try to force me into tipping? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I deal with these sorts of people? How do I make them understand that no, tipping is not a good system, and that yes, resisting the system &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; bring about change (as it already has in many places in metropolitan cities)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21075" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T23:42:20.053" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T23:42:20.053" Title="How do I deal with Americans who are trying to force me into tipping?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;tipping&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-08-21T15:12:29.157" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17782" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17780" CreationDate="2018-08-21T13:49:40.473" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;One&lt;/strong&gt;: Explain to &quot;the american&quot; why you don't wanna tip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Two&lt;/strong&gt;: Find a restaurant where employees have a minimum wage (for example by searching on Google). By doing so, you will support restaurants that pay a minimum wage. In the long term, restaurants that don't pay employees well might die because no one would want to eat there anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Three&lt;/strong&gt;: If no restaurant fitting your criteria is available, don't go to the restaurant. The true aim here is to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; support restaurants who do not directly pay their employees. If you eat there, you will participate in this form of &quot;modern slavery&quot;, even more if you are not tipping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T15:09:19.653" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T15:09:19.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17780" CreationDate="2018-08-21T13:51:14.330" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could explain to your friends exactly the reasoning that you provided here: that you don't support tipping because restaurants should pay their employees fairly, and that you believe resisting the system will bring about change. This is the most honest, straightforward course of action.  It has the potential to start a thoughtful debate about the subject. But remember that you can &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; explain it to them; you won't necessarily be able to convince them to abandon a cultural norm that they've always known. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, you have to accept that if you are in the USA, you will likely be perceived as rude by your friends and by restaurant staff. Also, while refusing to tip may bring about long term change, it has an immediate detriment to the waitstaff you encounter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastEditorUserId="20493" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T14:53:02.633" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T14:53:02.633" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17784" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17766" CreationDate="2018-08-21T14:00:52.423" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m sorry for your situation. It must be really stressful especially that you live with her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand the urge to change her behavior, but what feels like resentment that your grandmother holds for your step mother is most likely not to change any time soon. As a result it might be really difficult for her to not remind you of what she saw and what she worried about your step mom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of changing her, your goal could be reducing conflicts with her when the topic comes up, which helps relieve your stress. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some deescalation skills you could try. For example, state what you observed to your grandmother:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You seem to be very angry at her(stepmom)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You seem to be really bothered by what she did&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’m sorry you are in pain because of this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And wait for her to respond. Repeat what you observed this time again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’ve seen this type of response works better in confrontational conversations than fighting back with your own arguments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It acknowledges how they other person might be feeling, which normally would help clam them down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also provides a “mirror” for them to see their own emotions and how they are in play in a heated conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More importantly, it keeps you outside of the focus of the arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I’d like to point out a broader concern. You mentioned she would burst into your room. Does she in general respect your boundaries, physically or emotionally? How did she normally respond to your previous attempts to assert your needs? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If change doesn’t look promising, you might have to consider limiting interactions with her or even moving out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope it helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastEditorUserId="15507" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T14:05:00.693" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T14:05:00.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17786" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-21T14:09:25.930" Score="11" ViewCount="2633" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I've tried a bunch of things to get an answer to this question, none of which have worked, so I figured why not try Stack Exchange, maybe you guys can help me :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, here's the background: I'm a guy, in my early 30s.  I'm a bit of a dork, my main hobby is gaming (all gaming, literally anything you can consider a &quot;game&quot; is something I will at least try once, although I don't like all of it; in particular the in-vogue high-graphics low-gameplay FPS genre is something I treat with utter disgust) and I'm a software engineer by profession, which means that I have enough money, but also means that I don't have a lot of opportunity to either be around the opposite sex or to exercise, so I'm slightly overweight (although trying to lose weight by dieting and have had mixed results).  As far as I'm aware I have good hygiene (I shower every day etc, and nobody has ever mentioned to me that I have BO except immediately after I've done some activity which has exerted me to the point of sweating, which is understandable).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the problem is, I'm having trouble getting girls (women, if you prefer; I prefer the vernacular &quot;guys/girls&quot; over &quot;men/women&quot;) to go on dates with me.  In general, the way it seems to go is I'll meet a girl, we'll chat about whatever, she'll sometimes mention that I'm a nice guy and whatever, and then abruptly she will stop talking to me, not respond to my IMs, tests, etc, for seemingly no reason that I can think of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the thing is, as I mentioned, I'm slightly overweight but not massively obese (for a height/weight estimate, I'm about 5'10&quot; 180 lbs and I don't drink beer so I don't have a beer gut), I have good hygiene, most girls consider me to have a good personality (at least that is the feedback I have received); it seems I'm checking all the boxes.  But I can't seem to &quot;close the deal&quot;, as it were (that is not a crude reference to sex, I just mean that getting second dates or keeping girls interested in me is profoundly difficult).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would like to do is get feedback on why I'm having such difficulty.  Unfortunately I don't have many friends who can give me productive feedback; obviously my friends are my friends and they like me, because they're my friends; the ones who I've asked have given me either non-productive feedback or have given me feedback which isn't practical (e.g. &quot;you're too fat, lose weight&quot;, which I'm trying to do but one does not simply drop 50 lbs overnight (when I started dieting I was almost 210 lbs now I'm slightly over 180) or &quot;get some new hobbies&quot;, which is good but I don't know what types of hobbies to try).  What I would like to do is get feedback from the girls who have rejected me, but the problem is they don't usually just flat out reject me; usually they just stop responding to my messages, so asking them anything is difficult.  I also don't want to go up to random girls, who I am interested in and who are my friends (or at least friendly with me) and ask out of the blue &quot;why won't you date me&quot; or whatever, cause that's weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are some things I can try to do to try to get real, meaningful feedback to improve myself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18408" LastEditorUserId="18408" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T19:47:53.383" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T19:19:06.863" Title="How to ask for dating advice?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17787" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17714" CreationDate="2018-08-21T14:23:55.947" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just a small answer concerning your financial concerns: From your paragraph, I get the feeling that you are enabling her. You pay for everything and even give her a stipend. I found it very helpful to start a joint account for finances that pays for all common expenses. Each puts in a monthly amount (50/50 or depending on financial ability) and it pays for house, vacation, food etc. That really took my mind off the feeling I was the one constantly paying for everything. Additionally, the financial burden will create a sense of responsibility for the house etc. (As a German saying goes: If it costs nothing, it's worth nothing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might not want to do this (I had a few discussions with my partner because she is more risk-averse financially). In that case, you will definitely have to reconsider if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It is very important to be on the same terms financially with your future spouse once the throes of passion have subsided and you have to juggle mortgage, kids and other expenses. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8873" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T14:23:55.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17780" CreationDate="2018-08-21T14:44:45.250" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Refusing to tip as an individual kinda shows a distinct lack of understanding of the issue and a lack of interpersonal skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, I would hazard a guess that most Americans don't particularly like the tip system. They just understand that refusing to tip only hurts the individual service person. Basically a restaurant owner is unlikely to change policy within their establishment because people don't tip, they're not directly affected by their wait staff losing money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your approach also shows a lack of a rather important interpersonal skill, empathy. Effectively you're saying that you don't care that you're hurting, what are already, low wage workers. You're fine with having a negative impact on the quality of the life for these workers just so that it doesn't come out of your pocket... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If fighting the tip system is really important to you, boycott the businesses, don't just withhold tips. Both approaches hurt the workers, but at least in this way you're also putting a little pressure on the business owners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you really want to see real actual change, encourage and support labor unions. That's where most of these kinds of large systemic changes for workers come from in the United States. Collective bargaining, through unions, allows workers to stand united and demand a living wage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt; &#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking a step back and looking at why a culture does something is an important step before attempting to change what a culture does. Probably one of the the major criticisms of American culture is that we have a history of not bothering to understand a culture before trying to change it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea of &quot;American exceptionalism&quot;, the idea that our way is inherently better, has caused an awful lot of problems throughout history...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably best to learn from our example, lest you end up with our reputation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T14:50:04.753" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T14:50:04.753" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17789" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17793" CreationDate="2018-08-21T14:47:31.673" Score="94" ViewCount="24083" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm working in a small office of about ten employees, all of whom are religious apart from myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I'm open about my atheism and write about it on my blog, I am careful not to discuss religion at work. That is, I will not bring up the subject. However, if anyone else mentions it, I make a point of saying something. Since I was brought up Christian and read their book as well as went to church for many years, I am quite comfortable discussing any aspect of it and probably know as much about it as my colleagues, just minus the belief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, a colleague asked that I do not make any comments because his beliefs are strongly held and he took offense to something I said, without revealing what it was. I thought the comment was odd, since the last time I mentioned religion was several weeks ago. At an office meetup in a restaurant, someone else raised the subject of bacon being against some religions. Thus I pointed out that wearing mixed fabrics and eating shellfish are also forbidden, and commented that the rules of this deity seem somewhat arbitrary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought this was unfair, given the habit of my superior, who often tells people, if I sneeze, &quot;Don't say 'bless you'. It offends him.&quot; It &lt;em&gt;doesn't&lt;/em&gt; offend me, but his comment does. It's not as if anyone is literally intending some sort of religious blessing whenever anyone sneezes, so the end result is that my atheism is occasionally brought up as a topic of discussion, whether I want it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The person who suggests that he doesn't like my comments is very young and insecure. How do I politely tell him that I do not intend to make any comments about religion, but also make it clear that if the subject is raised, I &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; talk about it just like anyone else? And he probably won't like what I have to say...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Commenter Erik asked about my location... I'm in Johannesburg, South Africa. Although there's a strong online atheist community, most people are religious here, and being an atheist is pretty rare. It's normal to be the only atheist in the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21077" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T18:52:01.103" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T04:47:19.000" Title="How to address a double standard where my religious colleagues consider it OK to discuss religion, but then ask me not to?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;south-africa&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17791" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-21T15:03:09.043" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest you take an approach that is apologetic, but firm. For example, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I apologize for offending you with my comments about religion, and I will not make such comments unprompted. However, when we are having discussions about religion, I have the same right as you to contribute to the discussion.  I respect your beliefs surrounding religion and I expect you to respect mine, whether or not you agree with them. It is clear that we will likely never agree about religion, so let's agree to disagree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you acknowledge his feelings while still standing your ground that your opinion matters.  You also acknowledge your difference in beliefs and remind him that both of you are allowed to have these beliefs, and neither is superior to the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the &quot;bless you&quot; comments that your superior is making, I suggest that you bring it up with him in private. Explain it to him like you did us: that people saying &quot;bless you&quot; does not offend you, but that his comment does. This way, your point is clearly communicated but your boss will not feel uncomfortable by being called out in front of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If/when your atheism is brought up in conversation against your will, simply tell the group that you would prefer they don't discuss your religious beliefs. You could then change the subject to something more appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastEditorUserId="20493" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T15:17:33.410" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T15:17:33.410" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-21T15:20:13.487" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being a person with strong beliefs, you're unlikely to &lt;em&gt;&quot;make friends and influence others&quot;&lt;/em&gt; by arguing with people who also have strongly held beliefs. More, or less, you're a bit more likely to alienate your religious co-workers by talking about their religion, than you are to get them to question their deeply held beliefs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's not to say that you should bite your tongue and not speak up in these conversations, just saying that tact can go a long way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, and experience, the subject is either up for discussion or it isn't; people are either free to discuss their beliefs or they're not. The idea that it's ok for only religious folks to talk about religion is a bit silly in most contexts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing that tends to make a big difference, is how the beliefs are discussed. Tact. Are you attacking their deeply held beliefs, or are you discussing your own? Showing a baseline of respect to your peers, and by extension their beliefs, can go a long way towards making these discussions less painful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust me, I know how hard that is in some cases... I fall into a demographic that many religions openly persecute/d, and as hard as it is at times, I try really hard not to blow up at them. Sometimes it's better to let them see through their own eyes that their beliefs about people like me are unfounded. This often feels like the labor of Sisyphus, but it's still better than denouncing thier deity/s and confirming thier preconceived notions. (Honestly I still struggle with this, but I'm making an effort... It can be amazingly cathartic to bash back, even when knowing that it's often counter productive.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... Rather than:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your beliefs about X are inconsistent, false, and thus laughable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My beliefs about X are...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T15:20:13.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-21T15:27:51.100" Score="111" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt; I am an atheist, I know many atheists and people of other religions personally and have witnessed many &quot;discussions&quot; turn into full on yelling matches, which is why I refuse to participate unless I am talking with a close friend.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That is, I will not bring up the subject. However, if anyone else mentions it, I make a point of saying something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rhetorical question: &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Why comment?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; I understand that you have the knowledge to discuss it, but challenging people on their religious (or political) beliefs all the time gets annoying. You are just going to alienate your coworkers and make them dislike you by doing this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you don't want to invite these discussions with your office neighbor you have to not be receptive to having an argument in the first place.&lt;/strong&gt; When your supervisor makes the snarky remark, just roll your eyes and shrug it off. Act like you don't know what he's talking about and ignore any questions that may poke at you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key point that always gets brought up against my atheist friends when they try to debate is that they are very condescending and intolerant of religion, and &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; challenge &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; someone says about religion. I understand that you may not act like this, but I don't know you act real life. Simply be the bigger person and just &lt;em&gt;let it go&lt;/em&gt;. People will stop bothering you as much if you don't react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, to deal with your supervisor, I would recommend simply &lt;strong&gt;asking them to stop, privately&lt;/strong&gt;. Explain that while they may think it is a joke, you don't appreciate it and you would like them to stop. Hopefully they will be receptive to this, and to maximize your chances of getting these comments to stop, avoid being hostile or too direct so that you don't make them upset. Ripping what zanahorias said in their answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Explain it to him like you did us: that people saying &quot;bless you&quot; does not offend you, but that his comment does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good advice, I just wish I could have written it a bit quicker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you may think it is a double standard, you already pointed out that this company is entirely full of Christians &lt;em&gt;except for you&lt;/em&gt;. I wouldn't even be surprised if the reverse situation was occurring right now, with nine atheists against one Christian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm in Johannesburg, South Africa. Although there's a strong online atheist community, most people are religious here, and being an atheist is pretty rare. It's normal to be the only atheist in the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I stated earlier, going around challenging everyone's strongly held beliefs could cause you to lose respect in their eyes, so be cautious. A wise man once said nothing, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18334" LastEditorUserId="6085" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T04:54:08.990" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T04:54:08.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17794" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17820" CreationDate="2018-08-21T16:17:52.070" Score="4" ViewCount="758" Body="&lt;p&gt;The company I recently joined is owned and being run by a single person: my boss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He knew me from earlier in person a little, so he called me one day over the phone, to leave my previous employer and join his company. I met him in person, he told me all about his impressive plans on starting a new business branch which involved custom machine design (let's call it &quot;the prosperity machine&quot;), and made an offer whith such a high salary that I did not even think about not joining. I have 5 years experience in custom machine design, my boss little. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the beginning everything went fine. I started working directly with him and he mostly talked about his business plans and the prosperity in the future. He gave me little tasks which had nothing to do with my profession, but I thought that's ok, it's just the start. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As time passed by, I found out more and more red flags: high turnover rate among people directly working with him , some mention that he is bipolar, and he also started behaving unusually, telling me that I cost too much for the company and do nothing. &#xA; - So what would you like me to do then? - He tried giving me some daily little projects, fortunately a little bit more to do with my profession, but every project got stalled near the beginning as he did not agree with my design proposals. Sometimes he even sent me home because he had nothing to give to me for that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So one day I told him to start doing the project he hired me for, and design the &quot;prosperity machine&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He finally agreed to this, and started the project by introducing his plans to me. He came to me every day with his new ideas that he was thinking about all night. Filled papers full of drawings, had a meeting with me every day. &#xA;Whenever I tried to add my ideas or add something to his ideas he just would not listen. He appeared to be completely incompetent in machine design and had the worst and most impossible ideas I have ever heard. I tried to tell him how to do it but he got upset and angry calling me a rebel. He even told me not to think and leave it up to him to do as he says. So I agreed and he often gave me tasks on filling excel charts that add no value to the project, or his regular nonsense drawings. I am a little lost, working on something that makes no sense, leads to completely nowhere, wasting time, yet still receiving a high salary which is being produced by the other people in a different profession (which my boss tells me he hates) at this company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I work alone in my profession, I cannot talk to anyone about the project specifics, however if I mention the boss, most people share their bad experience with him, but don't really care as they have their own work to do.&#xA;There is a co-supervisor at the company who is helpful in every way, but cannot or does not want to help as he is legally just another employee who has been working with my boss for many years and says there is nothing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;prosperity machine&quot; project itself is not bad at all, the basic concept is viable, so I consider designing and building it. It would greatly help if he would trust me at least little enough that he would let me work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I express disagreement to my boss without him feeling insulted every time I share my ideas?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20889" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T18:38:46.933" LastActivityDate="2020-06-29T10:22:14.813" Title="How can I express disagreement to my boss without him feeling insulted every time I share my ideas?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17795" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-21T16:35:30.580" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could ask if there could be a policy that a specific subject will be off topic and not brought up at the office, in this case religion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easy to think about it using a different subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You think a particular football team is the best, they can do no wrong; even if they came in last.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All your coworkers feel the same way, about a different team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must have the office window open, for fresh air; it affects your health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your coworkers are concerned about their health too, but they want the window closed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right or wrong usually the majority rules, but if you can explain that having the conversation leads to bad feelings, doesn't further productivity, and has nothing to do with the work you are doing, perhaps people will agree it is time wasted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is usually the basis of such beliefs (yours or theirs, and other religions) that there is a dichotomy, you can only have one belief; otherwise you are wrong. That is what certainly makes &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; (or some group/groups) wrong. Failing any proof to support one's position and lack of any necessity to bring it up it's best for everyone to find something else to discuss, like work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T16:35:30.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-21T17:24:47.763" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you are right when you say there is a double-standard. I am a devout Hindu and if I can talk about my beliefs, you as an Atheist are also allowed to talk about your beliefs. (Atheism is discussed as being it's own &quot;religion&quot; in Hindu scriptures, because it's a way of life a person adopts for himself.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem occurs because people usually take it as all religions on one side (believers in God) and atheists on the other side. I actually don't agree with this way of putting things. But since, as you mentioned, they take offense when you say something as part of the conversation, I would say &quot;why bother?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just walk off, although I feel they will be offended even by this when it happens a few times. Open discussion requires an open mind and if they don't have it now, I don't think they will have it in the near future. In any case, it's highly important to keep things cool at work and since you are alone in your way of thinking you will have to let it go even if you don't like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8483" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T04:47:19.000" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T04:47:19.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-21T17:59:59.360" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to take a different tack from the other answers, and instead suggest your colleagues should become more familiar with the field of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apologetics#Christianity&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Apologetics&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; if they plan to &quot;talk shop&quot; around you.  Apologetics is the systematic defense of religious belief through logical argument. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because Apologetics is so well-established, there is no reason your colleagues have to fall back on some weak denial when presented with an apparent contradiction.  Instead it should motivate them to do the research and find out the source of the contradiction, and the doctrines that resolve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not to mention it's hypocritical to suggest that your atheist assertions are offensive while their Christian assertions are not.  Anytime they say something like that, you could just reflect it back at them: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, your insistence that there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a God offends my deeply held belief that there &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To paraphrase Monty Python, that's not &lt;em&gt;argument&lt;/em&gt;, that's just &lt;em&gt;contradiction&lt;/em&gt;.  It's silly, and moreover it stifles the flow of interfaith dialogue that is the foundation of societies that value religious freedom.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those involved in Apologetics know this and relish a good religious debate.  Their faith is strong enough to stand up to a few knocks; moreover they can throw a few good punches themselves.  I suspect that, if they do a little research, they can find counter-arguments to most (if not all) of the typical &quot;atheist&quot; positions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than picking apart your colleagues' beliefs, I would instead focus on the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Their religious beliefs and practices don't offend you because you know what you believe to be true.  In the same way, your beliefs shouldn't offend them, if they are similarly firm in their convictions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;There is an entire school of Christian philosophy, dating back 2000 years, that supports the free and rational defense of Christian belief.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Religious debate can actually &lt;em&gt;strengthen&lt;/em&gt; their beliefs, especially if they come up with an argument you (the atheist) can't counter.  Again, if they have the courage of their convictions, they should give you their best shot.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, let them know that your presence as the &quot;loyal opposition&quot; can be &lt;em&gt;for their own good&lt;/em&gt;, in that it deepens their understanding of Christian thought, and shifts their belief from simple faith to a more stable, rational foundation.  Otherwise, if they are too apprehensive about a little friendly discussion, they can always avoid the topic when they are around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, it is a problem is that this happens in the workplace, where you can't leave, and you have tasks to perform.  Unfortunately, this is subject to your employer's discretion, albeit constrained by labor law.  This seems to be the most relevant bit:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;S6 of the  &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.labour.gov.za/DOL/legislation/acts/employment-equity/employment-equity-act&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Employment Equity Act&lt;/a&gt;:  “No person may unfairly discriminate, directly or indirectly, against an employee, in any employment policy or practice, on one or more grounds, including race, gender, sex, pregnancy, marital status, family responsibility, ethnic or social origin, colour, sexual orientation, age, disability, &lt;strong&gt;religion&lt;/strong&gt;, HIV status, conscience, belief, political opinion, culture, language, birth or on any other arbitrary ground”. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.labourguide.co.za/most-recent/2000-accommodating-diversity-in-the-workplace&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;source&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, if your colleagues are free to discuss religion in the workplace, your employer cannot legally prevent you from doing the same.  If the topic comes up (e.g. &quot;that offends me&quot;) then you can always mention that it's only &lt;em&gt;fair&lt;/em&gt; that you get your turn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-26T00:41:08.580" LastActivityDate="2018-08-26T00:41:08.580" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17768" CreationDate="2018-08-21T20:27:46.643" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, thank the guy for his advice, and then make it clear that you're not going to follow it. It doesn't cost you anything (not anything real, anyway) to thank someone for unwelcome advice. But you don't have to follow it. &quot;I sure appreciate the advice, but it's not going to work for me right now.&quot; Something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that you can say is that while his may be a great exercise, you have a routine that you follow and it's much easier for you to follow it than to change it, especially on the fly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you could say is that you're prone to injuries if you don't do things very carefully, so if you were going to incorporate his exercise, you'd need to spend some time working up to it. Maybe you'll try it out with less weight some other time when things aren't so busy. If he then offers to show you with less weight, tell him thanks again, but you only have time to do your routine and then you have to move along. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I've been guilty of that particular sort of abrasiveness in the past, which is probably why I can easily imagine some of the ways that he might take it even further over the line! At some point I'm afraid your choices are to pack up and leave, ignore him, or complain to management. Hopefully, you won't need to do any of those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20436" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T20:27:46.643" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17802" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-21T20:33:24.270" Score="4" ViewCount="1481" Body="&lt;p&gt;Restaurant setup:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In Canada, meals under $10 a person.  Usually smallish Asian, Pizza or Fish and Chips type of restaurants.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sit down, grab your own menu from the table.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Waiter shows up to take the order (sometimes the waiter is also the same person as the cook and the cashier, sometimes they are different people)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Waiter rarely shows up again - usually because the meals are over relatively quickly &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Waiter brings food and drinks (sometimes water is self-serve from a big jug that you can grab or already at the table)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When done eating, leave dishes and walk to the cashier which is sometimes close to the exit and sometimes close to the kitchen.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the bill for the group is be $36 to $39, I usually just let the cashier round it up to $40 (I pay cash).  Most of the time they seem thankful but I'm not good at reading facial expressions, so I'm not sure if they really are happy with the tip or not.   I seem to get a big range anywhere from very happy to very disappointed.  I tried to figure out if there is correlation between the look and the amount I leave and I can't see any clear relationship.  Strangely enough at one restaurant where I go frequently, once I got a happy look and the next time I got a disappointed look for what I figured was the same tip.   It's really confusing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In regular restaurants things are easy I usually use credit card and punch in 15 to 20%.  In fast food restaurants where there is no waiter I don't tip at all (into the little jar).  The one I'm having trouble with is this hybrid style of restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it's kind of a mix between fast food and slow food.  I figure the tip should be the same way (somewhere between 0% and 15%).  Is it really like that?  Am I over-tipping or under-tipping?   Also when there are multiple people involved I feel very awkward giving a tip to the cashier and giving 0 to the waiter.  Will the waiter get their share?  How will the waiter know the tip came from me personally?   I thought of leaving the money on the table, but again I'm not sure who will get the tip.   On top of that the tables are not that well &quot;watched&quot; by the staff so the tip may lay there for 10 minutes and someone else can just grab it as they are passing by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like it shouldn't be that hard, am I missing some basic understanding of how all this works?  So far I've been going with &quot;that's tipping culture for you - just roll with it and when it doubt just tip extra&quot;.   I'd like something clearer than that.  I hate undertip, and I really hate to overtip.  A formula would be great :-) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8327" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-08-21T20:58:23.957" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T16:10:30.180" Title="Do I need to tip in a restaurant that has both a waiter and a cashier?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;tipping&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17714" CreationDate="2018-08-21T20:45:46.063" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not trying to make a long-distance diagnosis, but what you describe makes me think that your wife likely is having problems with depression, and I think you need to deal with the possibility.  Symptoms include irritability and disturbed sleep schedules.  Speaking for myself, the endless time spent on trivial activities and the shirking of responsibilities sound awfully familiar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving her a talking-to, as some of the other answers suggest, isn't going to work if she'd depressed.  What you're going to accomplish in that case is to make her feel guiltier and more stressed and generally worse.  Try to figure out what's going on with her and then talk about responsibilities.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are online tests for depression, but the best thing probably would be to get her to a doctor for screening.  (Given your description of finances, you've either got good health insurance or can pay for good care.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may take a long time to get out of depression (it did for me) and it's frustrating to live with a depressed person (ask my wife), but knowing more or less what's wrong may help, and if she starts making progress things will get better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18513" LastEditorUserId="18513" LastEditDate="2018-08-29T20:47:58.410" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T20:47:58.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17804" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17802" CreationDate="2018-08-21T22:06:19.973" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel very awkward giving a tip to the cashier and giving 0 to the waiter. Will the waiter get their share? How will the waiter know the tip came from me personally? I thought of leaving the money on the table, but again I'm not sure who will get the tip. On top of that the tables are not that well &amp;quot;watched&amp;quot; by the staff so the tip may lay there for 10 minutes and someone else can just grab it as they are passing by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Canada and the United States, usually you would leave a cash tip on your table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would pay at the cashier and they would give you &lt;strong&gt;all&lt;/strong&gt; of your change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not the cashier's job to either shortchange you or try to wring a second tip out of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not as though you can tell the cashier that you didn't think something was good enough, thus you will pay less - that's a complaint to take up with the manager, whom you can ask to speak to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't tip the cashier for letting you pay or giving your change politely, it's best that they give you the correct amount or you can ask to speak to the manager, it is theft.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the amount to tip:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TripAdvisor says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.tripadvisor.ca/Travel-g153339-s606/Canada:Tipping.And.Etiquette.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Canada&lt;/a&gt; - &amp;quot;Gratuities are seldom included in Canadian restaurants. It is customary to tip approximately 15-20% on the total bill before tax, less for poor service, more for truly exceptional service.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many restaurants may charge an automatic 15-18% gratuity for larger groups.  This is up to the individual establishment but is usually applicable to groups of 8 or more. Some restaurants also &amp;quot;auto-grat&amp;quot; groups from countries that don't normally tip.&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.tripadvisor.ca/Travel-g191-s606/United-States:Tipping.And.Etiquette.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;United States&lt;/a&gt; - &amp;quot;Some states allow a &amp;quot;tip credit&amp;quot; to count as part of the Federal Minimum Wage of $7.25/hour so tipped employees may be paid as low as $2.00 an hour plus tips.  Generally, the average tip is 15% to 20% of the total meal cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tipping practices can vary depending upon the location in the U.S., and even published guidance can vary greatly depending upon the source.  For example, some Americans don't tip at a buffet restaurant, but it's generally good form to tip $1-2/person for wait staff just clearing several rounds of plates, to as much as 10 percent if the wait staff is refilling drinks and providing other services.  The general rule is to tip in proportion to the service, and the quality of service being delivered.&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leaving money on the table is common practice. The person clearing the tables (sometimes the person whom served you, sometimes someone else) it the one whom &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;gets&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; the money; it is distributed to the staff in accordance with restaurant policy. Sometimes the chef gets some and sometimes they are paid enough (leaving all the money for the frontline staff).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Theft from the tables is &lt;strong&gt;not your fault or problem&lt;/strong&gt; to worry about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have no cash and pay by credit card there is usually a 'tip line' on the bill where you can write the amount. Alternatively you can explain to the cashier that you wish to tip a particular amount and have that added to the bill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There shouldn't be a problem: getting your meal, leaving a tip, or getting your change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the bill for the group is be $36 to $39, I usually just let the cashier round it up to $40 (I pay cash). Most of the time they seem thankful but I'm not good at reading facial expressions ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the bill is for $39, you give them $40, and you leave them with the impression that $1 is the tip then they think you are tipping 2.5% - a very small amount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They should be polite and smile, there is no facial expression to be read&lt;/strong&gt; - it they give you a bad experience ask to speak to the manager if you have time, I simply wouldn't bother coming back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much as the waiter doesn't eat part of your meal on the way to the table so they get a tip the cashier doesn't nibble on part of your change when you are paying for your meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people aren't being paid enough where you go to eat and taking it out on you instead of talking to the manager either you need to speak to the manager or not return there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understand that people in Canadian restaurants are notoriously paid far too little and the restaurant's owner are notoriously unable to understand why they are unable to hire anyone - often going out of business rather than paying their staff more. That's not your fault, don't accept poor service. You paid 100% of what the menu said it would cost and were good enough to volunteer (hopefully, for them) a reasonable tip - that's the extent of your responsibility - otherwise they would throw you out or call the police.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If no one says anything and over time no one comes back then no one will be able to work at that restaurant or eat there, that helps no one if the food and service are good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let one disgruntled employee spoil everything, if there's something wrong with them they probably won't be there next week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T22:06:19.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17740" CreationDate="2018-08-21T22:29:57.007" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I appreciate your discomfort about not leaving a tip for fear of damage to your reputation from the staff at your local venue, but by forcing the issue you risk damage to your reputation from the people paying for your meal. You have explained the local cultural norms after which they made a decision, which you should respect. Coming from a European background they may well have been confused about why you would choose to go to a restaurant where the staff were not being paid by their employers, something alien to most Europeans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21096" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T22:29:57.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17786" CreationDate="2018-08-21T22:51:28.613" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is an incredibly hard question to deal with both online and in real life. There are a lot of variables at play, and it's extremely difficult for a given person to identify which of those matter, the exact circumstances you're encountering, etc. Someone might well be able to give very generic and obvious advice (like &quot;get new hobbies&quot;). Besides, people may not even have a strong, conscious understanding of what they respond to/do that other people respond to. And if they don't know, they can't just tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But even if someone gives you ten things to do, and you do them, there's no particular reason to think these are substantial and decisive things that will produce the results you want. It is, in my opinion, &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; unlikely that these sorts of troubles are due to a handful of distinct, discrete &quot;things&quot;, like (for example) liking D&amp;amp;D rather than SoulCycle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything specific that I suggest is, at best, a guess which may have nothing at all to do with your specific situation. That said, I have two broad strategies that might be of some use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Cyrano Review&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to properly convey the real context and events of what you're doing when you are trying to get or impress a date, especially when drawing from the things that you noticed and remembered (you already know all that stuff!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you have someone who you think might have some good advice, having them nearby so they can see for themselves can bring a lot more of that context in. This could be as open as a group event where you're all together the whole time, or as removed as a friend who goes to the same bar as you and checks in on things once in a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later your friend can talk to you about things. If you make an obvious misstep, you can get an honest report of it. If you miss an opportunity, they might be able to point it out to you. And there's no guessing about what signals you might imagine she sent (or did not send). If your date is just not a good match for you in terms of personality or interests, you can hear that (hopefully) unbiased report and know that there may not have been much else you could have done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The Non-Date Perspective&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been my observation that dating is not as different from other relationships as many people seem to think. There are some differences, of course, but someone who is able to attract people for totally platonic, non-date activities is probably someone who will also be able to attract people for dates &lt;em&gt;as well&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind you don't need to be entirely focused on &lt;em&gt;dates&lt;/em&gt;. You can aim to improve your social skills in dating-relevant areas without actually needing the scenario (and attendant pressures) of dates or trying to get dates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get out, meet people, and try to get together with people for casual events which you happen to enjoy. You'll probably have more opportunities to do this with people in general as opposed to the subset of those people you'd be interested in dating, which can give you more scope to try different approaches and see what people do and don't respond to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T22:51:28.613" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17768" CreationDate="2018-08-21T23:43:48.433" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be polite and politely decline. Just say something like, &quot;thanks for the suggestion but I'm working through a set routine right now.&quot; When the guy persists, put your headphones back on. There's always those guys at the gym who are more interested in socializing or showing off than working out. I'm just there to work out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21097" LastActivityDate="2018-08-21T23:43:48.433" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17802" CreationDate="2018-08-22T00:19:37.390" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In an environment where it seems like everyone is helping out at every table, the restaurant almost certainly pools the tips and shares them with the entire staff, according to a predefined percentage.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At a &quot;family-style restaurant&quot; where you pay the cashier up front:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If paying in cash leave the tip on the table.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If paying with a credit card add the tip as usual.  It will get back to your waiter.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How much you tip is up to you, but if they are providing &quot;standard&quot; service, then leave a &quot;standard&quot; tip. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case where the waiter is just a food delivery system, who takes your order and delivers your food and does little else otherwise, I see no reason to tip the full amount.  A few dollars is sufficient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about who gets the money or how it's divided.  Waiters make money from tips and they will follow up to make sure they get the right amount.  Sure, management might play games, or the other waiters might steal tips -- which is illegal, but there's not much you can do about it.  In any case the majority of restaurants make sure everyone gets fairly paid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Edit) In response to the added comment: I've never had the experience where I didn't know the total until I went to the cashier.  Usually the waiter brings the bill with the total amount on it, and I bring that up to the cashier to pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in that case I would pay the bill with the cashier, ask for sufficient change, then &lt;em&gt;go back to the table&lt;/em&gt; and leave the tip.  Although I rarely pay for anything with cash these days, so I would just add the tip to the total charge on my card.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should add that these days I always round the tip up the higher dollar amount so it's easier to calculate, or I leave all the coins on the table with the rest of the tip.  I just don't see the point of carrying around coins anymore, except for the occasional parking meter (and, even then, many of those take cards nowadays).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T16:10:30.180" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T16:10:30.180" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17766" CreationDate="2018-08-22T00:47:14.643" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are truly getting your due soon, deal with her only a bit longer, then buy her a nice gift with some of the proceeds. The card should read something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Grandma,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you know, I came into some money on a real estate venture and wanted to spread the love. I hope you enjoy this gift.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Love, hopsinat&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The principle here is a very old one that first may upset her, but will eventually shame her because of the way she treated you (and your stepmother). If she's an honorable person, she'll apologize. In the least, she'll stop talking about your stepmother. Some have called this &amp;quot;kill them with kindness&amp;quot;, while other interpretations expand it to &amp;quot;love your enemy&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;turning enemies to friends&amp;quot;. History and ancient wisdom books are filled with instances of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she continues to be nasty, get away from her. Move out and away from that toxic environment as fast as you can. Don't bide your time, as toxic persons such as this can ruin you faster than you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5547" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T00:47:14.643" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17812" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-22T05:21:37.813" Score="38" ViewCount="11409" Body="&lt;p&gt;As some background, I go to a co-ed boarding high school. I have a girlfriend back home and am straight. My wing in the dorms is filled with a large collection of my friends. We're close- we play basketball, guitar, tennis, and poker together whenever we have free time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're all straight except for one bisexual friend, whom I'll code name Bob. &#xA;We completely accept and support his sexuality. Bob is quite emotional, and has talked individually to each of us about his social anxiety and coming out to a select group of people as bisexual. In his talk, he has mentioned to us (individually) that he's depressed because he has an intense crush on another male at our school, who he doesn't name (to me), has a girlfriend, is completely straight, and understands that there's no chance that he would ever be in a relationship with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rest of us friends have talked about it, in private, to confirm that I'm the only one that has heard the talk about the anonymous person he has a crush on three times. He's offered to tell another one of us who his crush is, yet this individual honestly declined the information (wisely, but it doesn't really help me). This leads me to think that he's specifically attracted to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As friends, we hate to see his obvious sorrow about this impossible relationship. However, in the case that this is possibly directed toward me (and I'm very sure this is the case), I feel like I have to do something for him to get over me as a crush, while still keeping him as a friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I do to help Bob get over me as a crush while still keeping him as a friend?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; We're Americans east of the Mississippi.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've looked at related questions (&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/12628/reject-a-close-friend-interested-in-dating-me&quot;&gt;Reject a close friend interested in dating me?&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/17670/how-can-i-help-a-close-friend-get-over-me&quot;&gt;How can I help a close friend get over me?&lt;/a&gt;), but the difference here is that I'm not 100% sure that his crush is directed toward me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob has specified that he has had this crush for several months. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21103" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T19:48:17.203" LastActivityDate="2020-09-12T17:25:57.927" Title="How can I handle a bisexual friend whom I think is attracted to me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17813" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17740" CreationDate="2018-08-22T05:23:44.977" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unless patrons are explicitly told that they are required to contribute to the wages of staff, then it's absolutely not unreasonable to not tip unless the service has been exceptional. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want your friends to supplement the wages of staff, then tell them that, don't ask them to tip, because by definition that isn't what you're doing, so it's understandable they'd be confused and reluctant to tip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;In America, we are culturally obliged to supplement around 15-20% of the wages for waiters and waitresses as restaurant patrons, in the same way you are expected to contribute a donation to free Museums&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By framing it how it is, you no longer need to ask them to leave a mandatory tip, which quite understandably any outsider would find dumb, as explaining that &quot;tipping is protocol&quot; would not have the same effect as saying &quot;supplementing wages is protocol&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are also allowing them to leave an actual tip if they wish to (in addition to the wage supplement).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="495" LastEditorUserId="495" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T04:23:08.200" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T04:23:08.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17814" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17812" CreationDate="2018-08-22T05:51:56.683" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;High school is a tough time for everybody and I understand why you feel you should do something to help your friend in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to actually do nothing. People have a lot of crushes in their highschool years, I have had a crush for every other female friend I have had at some point or another during that time. They come and go and that is perfectly normal. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal is to keep your friendship intact. Do exactly that, don't change anything. The way you lose a friendship is to distance yourself and &quot;give him space and time to figure it out&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe things will be back to normal in 2-3 weeks. If not you might want to have a 1 on 1 conversation about it. Exactly how that should go I can't really tell as it really depends on your personality and his. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to address some concerns about the 2-3 weeks range after OP noted that this has been going on for a couple of months. It is an arbitrary range based on my experience, it is different for everyone. Crushes generally last until the next one comes along. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though your situation has been going on a fair bit more than my estimate I don't believe that changes the situation. My guess is that your friend doesn't want to confront his feelings because he is afraid. He is afraid that expressing that he has feeling for you will change your friendship as rejection is certain. For him it is a lose/lose situation as telling how he feels will create awkwardnes between you two and not telling how he feels already does. I don't think there is a better way to show him that your friendship wont change than to actually not changing how you act around him. My experience has been that just doing/not doing something works better than promising someone you will do/not do something but that might not be the case for everyone. Maybe your friend needs to hear it to believe it. You should know better than me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T21:20:01.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T21:20:01.197" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-22T06:20:39.357" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the important question for you to ask yourself here is, why has this become such a big deal for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is that your colleagues are making you feel mocked or harassed about your identity as an atheist, the answer is clear. You should attempt to make an arrangement with them of mutual effort to not make anyone feel uncomfortable for their religious (or non-religious) identity. However, this will mean you also have to commit to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; bringing your views on religion out if religion is being discussed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I too was raised as part of a Christian faith and am now not religious (not an atheist, just not religious). So I feel relatively confident in challenging your assertion that you 'know as much about it' as they do. You have little or no idea what it means for this religion to be a fundamental part of your identity. For you it is at best academic; for them it is their lives. Your attempts to discuss religion in a purely factual sense probably insult your colleagues in a similar way as a colleague with children might be insulted by unsolicited parenting advice from someone who proclaims themselves of the childfree sect. Knowing a lot about something is not the same as living it. And discussing something as someone who is a known opponent of it is different to discussing something that is an interest or part of your identity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You describe the colleague you offended as being 'insecure', but being offended by someone speaking up against something you care about whenever it is discussed seems fairly rational to me. If I liked a TV show and every time I discussed the latest episode with work colleagues this one colleague who was known to dislike it kept pointing out plot holes and bad acting, I would be offended and consider their behaviour antisocial. I would wonder at &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; insecurity to want to cause discord just because they don't share in something everyone else likes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know the extent to which your colleagues' discussion of religious matters is toxic, but the good thing is it is probably within your power to de-escalate the current tension somewhat. As everyone with the exception of you sees religion as a normal part of their lives, you will have to accept it will come up. If you feel determined to take part in these conversations, rather than pointing out the flaws in ancient religious texts maybe you could ask your colleagues some questions about the role of religion in their lives. You might be surprised to find their reasons for being religious are not what you assume. In turn they will probably feel more positively towards you for not assuming that you know as much as they do about this integral part of their lives and may even want to ask you questions about your situation of &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; being religious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19049" LastEditorUserId="19049" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T06:45:04.263" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T06:45:04.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-22T07:50:17.387" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Depending on how confrontational you want to be, you could ask this person to stop airing their religious views in your presence - or you could simply walk away, metaphorically, by saying something non-committal or indicating that you don't care. But both these scenarios are less than ideal, because they inevitably lead to conflict - what you really need is a kind of truce, where you can be true to yourself and express you opinions, and they can feel that you are not attacking something is important to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a difficult one, really, because on one hand, you clearly feel that it is rather oppressive; on the other hand, religious people are quite often fundamentally insecure - at least that is my experience - and easily take offence and feel that you are onto their case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have learned over the years, working in UK with colleagues from a wide range of backgrounds, is to be open, direct and respectful in my atheism. It is perhaps easier for me, because I am genuinely interested in other cultures, so I will ask about their traditions etc - and I will also express my complete lack of belief in religious matters. Respect is central here - I try to find common ground rather than attacking their beliefs; all cultures I am aware of share a large core of moral values, things like honesty, trustworthyness, caring for your family and children etc. This establishes a relationship, where you can disagree on more peripheral matters without causing major conflicts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In conclusion, I think you need to seek a compromise that is acceptable to all involved. Find out why this person feels you are too much, and be willing to accept that it is a real issue for that person, even if it is trivial in your opinion. Then work together to establish a protocol that works for both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20106" LastEditorUserId="20106" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T09:06:31.733" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T09:06:31.733" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17812" CreationDate="2018-08-22T07:55:58.623" Score="32" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'd suggest you &lt;em&gt;encourage&lt;/em&gt; him to tell you who his crush is.&lt;/strong&gt; If they tell you that you're indeed the person he has feelings for, then you can tell him that that's not how you feel and so he knows and can move on. Don't push him to reveal his crush's name but &lt;strong&gt;let him know that you're hear to listen and help&lt;/strong&gt; and let him decide what to do. As a friend, that's the most you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Longer answer:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal experience&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back in high school, my best friend had feelings for me. He just found out I started dating my first SO, and suddenly he realized he had feelings for me that were not just &amp;quot;friendship&amp;quot;. I was in the same situation as you, knowing my friend had feelings for someone but not knowing toward who they were directed, and it was painful to see him suffer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He kept telling me how he was in love with someone but that a relationship with that girl would be impossible, so I kept asking why it was. He ended revealing I was the girl in question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be clear on your intentions&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I did and what you should do if your friend comes clean with you, is that you should gently tell him that you're not feeling the same way. He'll naturally be hurt not to be liked back but there are gentler ways to say no than others. For example, you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob, you're an amazing person and a dear friend of mine. I'm sorry I do not feel the same way for you, for I would not want to hurt you. I hope it's okay and that we can still hang out with the band.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned from experience that people tend to keep hoping until they have a straight 'no', and that after being told nothing's gonna happen they can move on. Still, you need to reassure him on the fact that he's not gonna lose you (as a friend) for he came clean. I would &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; justify the &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; by the straight argument, because it's a rather impersonal reason. I guess that it'd be quite efficient to express that your feelings will never change though, so it's up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be patient&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you can't force him to tell you his crush's name, so don't push him. The important thing is that he knows he can count on you, should you be the aforementioned crush. If he comes clean and that you're indeed the crush, then reassure him as proposed above, and then let him take some distance for a while if he needs to. I know from experience that many people need to stop seeing the person they like for some time to get over it, that's a normal thing. That does not mean your friendship is lost, just that he needs time to get back to the friendship relation. So what I'd say is be patient, be supportive, show your friend you're here to talk if he needs/wants to, and then let him decide what to do with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T07:55:58.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17794" CreationDate="2018-08-22T08:46:30.793" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;How can I express disagreement to my boss without him feeling insulted every time I share my ideas?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure you can. My best advice here would be to try to found a new job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you can still try to improve things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, plan a meeting. Tell him that you think the way you work as a group doesn't seem efficient enough. Blame you, not him, you do not want to put him on the defensive, otherwise, communication will be lost. Then, suggest improvement. This is very important, do not go there without a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a regular meeting, try to make him focus on his &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt;, why does he want this done that way? Why does he think X is a better idea than Y? If he ask you something impossible, find out what he really want, then explain to him it cannot be done and why before (or after) giving him an alternative. If he want you to do things his way, tell him that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; would be more efficient doing them yours (but you sure the opposite is also true). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to reassure him, make him feel like his ideas have value and that you respect him. Be patient and humble, listen to him, do not interrupt him and, when he is finished talking, guide him to where you want him to go. Try to not make it a matter of &quot;him vs you&quot; but &quot;you both vs the difficulties&quot;. Make him feel like you are a team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think he might be bipolar, do research on that subject. It might help you understand your boss, which would lead to a more effective communication. However, her is the basic symptom of bipolarity: if he doesn't take any medications, that means he has two periods. The &quot;down&quot; one, when he is depressed and the &quot;up&quot; one, when he thinks he can conquer the world and probably doesn't sleep much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T12:10:43.657" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T12:10:43.657" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17794" CreationDate="2018-08-22T09:42:41.027" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Basically your new employer head hunted you for a specific purpose. He took you from your old job and therefore has responsibility for your welfare. But why did he do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly because he has an ambition to build a machine from a concept which he has no idea about nor how to build it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly he poached you because of your experience which he has not got.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you have been hired as the expert to realise his dreams. But it turns out that he expects you to magic up his ideas whilst just sitting at your desk - with no concrete concept drawings or development plans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has QUICKLY shown you that he can be inconsiderate and disrespectful, and that he at all points does not value your advice. He has the potential to make further nasty comments at will. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically as long as you are liable for this abuse then you cannot deliver your best solution. Also what worsens this situation is the fact that he just does not listen to your ideas and solutions which are SKILL BASED advice to realise his dreams.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So either you must just look elsewhere for a job where you will be valued, or ask your old employer if they will re - employ you. Or you must completely lay out your conditions for going forward to your employer. This also includes informing him of his rudeness, making him aware that it will no longer be tolerated. Do not fear this, because right is right in any scenario. If it came to a tribunal for unfair dismissal then you would win. Also it is likely that any such claim would never come to court because he would settle. So the only answer is to stop your boss from galloping all over you whilst contributing nothing but silly ideas. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not easy - it has to be borne to move forward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T09:42:41.027" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-22T13:07:47.977" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Flip your question around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize the inverse is not exactly symmetrical, but it's still a useful exercise in interpersonal relations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider the following scenario: under what circumstances would it be appropriate for a religious person to interrupt a conversation about the banalities of religion with a discussion of the fiery afterlife that awaits you? Or, more benignly, just share their beliefs in an attempt to bring you back into the fold?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It isn't going to be your online atheist chatgroup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what if it was a long time friend? One who you had a long history of mutual respect with, who was obviously doing it out of concern for you, etc.? Evangelism (for religion or against it) works best in the context of a solid relationship. That person might not change you views, but your reaction to the attempt will likely be totally different than one of your coworkers walking up to your desk and telling you that you're going to hell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I realize that the two situations are not totally symmetrical, but &lt;em&gt;in the minds of your coworkers&lt;/em&gt; they aren't preaching fire and brimstone at you, so you shouldn't be poking holes in their conversations about Christianity. And because I know people are going to complain even though I've already added two caveats, remember that whether or not that thought is justified is irrelevant: you're trying to get along with your coworkers. Trying to have a rational, logical discussion about a topic that to them eclipses human reason is not going to make friends in the context of a work relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this of course goes out the window if they start e.g. mocking atheism, then it's &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; behavior that violates the unspoken &quot;live and let live&quot; social contract.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4233" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T13:07:47.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17828" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17836" CreationDate="2018-08-22T13:14:26.327" Score="93" ViewCount="95402" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have recently come across a situation that made me feel very uncomfortable, especially if it had been more of a personal issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I contacted my doctor yesterday with pains in my hand/wrist as I didn't feel it was serious enough for a visit to the hospital, but had been going on long enough I needed a professional opinion. I spoke with the receptionist on the phone, with the call going as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Receptionist: Hi, how can I help you today?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: I'd like to make an appointment to see a Doctor today please, do you have any available?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Receptionist: Let me have a look... Yes, we have xx:xxpm, is that okay&#xA;  with you?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: Yes, that's great, thank you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Receptionist: Okay, it will be with Dr. xxxxxx. Can I ask what the reason for the appointment is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point I froze, as I've never had this asked by the receptionist, and I ended up explaining my issue out of panic/anxiety of not knowing how to decline the request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I make clear I'm not happy sharing this information with them, without offending them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21118" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T10:32:14.417" LastActivityDate="2019-07-24T23:50:43.113" Title="How to respond when a Doctor's Receptionist asks the reason for the appointment, after confirming appointment is made?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17829" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-22T13:15:08.377" Score="-1" ViewCount="445" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am 35 weeks pregnant and I didn't tell an acquaintance of mine yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is an old co-worker of mine and works a few blocks away. She quit working at the same company as me in January. She was honest about why she was leaving. Since then, I've gone for lunch with her twice. We don't text/talk regularly and last time we had lunch I was 20 weeks pregnant and I forgot to mention it to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time we had lunch I also mentioned to her some in-law/marriage issues so I feel awkward telling her that I'm pregnant now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell her without it being awkward? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3833" LastEditorUserId="3833" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T07:46:57.760" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T07:46:57.760" Title="How to tell someone you are pregnant at such a late stage?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-08-22T13:56:09.797" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17830" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-22T13:28:12.317" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes they can ask you to know in advance what the problem is and what to expect. In my opinion what the receptionist did wrong was not saying &quot;if I may ask&quot; after his sentence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had a similar situation when I contacted my urologist to cancel an appointment. The lady on the phone asked me the reason, but she said &quot;if I may ask&quot; after. I didn't feel unconfortable saying &quot;I don't feel pain anymore&quot; but of course the business between urologist and patient is always delicate, so I could've of course declined his question saying &quot;it's a personal matter&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As per &quot;What is the best possible answer to show that I am not happy sharing this information with them, without offending them?&quot; It's really no big deal. A simple &quot;sorry it's private&quot; or &quot;I prefer to speak with the my doctor only&quot; won't offend anyone. The receptionist can't force you to share information with her but keep in mind that due to the nature of her job she could see some data about you written somewhere. Also I think it's unnecessary to tell you that everything is confidential.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14159" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T13:28:12.317" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17831" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-22T13:37:53.617" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Warning&lt;/strong&gt;: I'm french and the answer to this question might change depending of the country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my (young) experience, this question is fairly common. I never bother to ask &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; he/she needed to know but I'm guessing it is to establish the gravity of your problem (and maybe move the appointment to earlier) or direct you to an other specialist (a dentist for example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand the &quot;Can I ask...&quot; as a way to allow you to refuse to answer (but I'm not a native english so I could be wrong). Anyway, you can always reply by: &quot;Do I have to? I rather discuss it only with the doctor&quot;. This way you show that you are uncomfortable sharing your problem and I don't think anyone will be offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T17:27:23.303" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T17:27:23.303" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17832" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17829" CreationDate="2018-08-22T13:55:45.557" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's nothing to feel awkward about. I don't know the reason why you forgot to tell her but you could simply tell her you didn't want to mention your pregnancy at such an early stage (miscarriages are still frequent at that stage).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You say she's an acquaintance and you haven't seen her in 15 weeks, so you're not close enough for her to get offended that you didn't tell her earlier IMO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise if you want to use a lighter tone, you could still tell her when you see her stunned look when she sees you arriving:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, didn't I mention last time we saw each other? I think someone's in there, living for free!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd not overthink this. This is supposed to be a happy event, I'm pretty sure your acquaintance will be happy for you as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T13:55:45.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-22T14:03:54.037" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem may lie in miscommunications. Receptionist asked the question expecting answer as &quot;Consultations / first visit / prescription need&quot;. It's rather to know how much time will you take more than exact reason why you want to see a doctor.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that you understand her from totally different perspective so you assumed she's asking about your condition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for her the reason is &lt;em&gt;consultation&lt;/em&gt;  and for you it's &lt;em&gt;wrist pain&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T16:31:49.767" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T16:31:49.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-22T14:08:09.307" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in the UK and am also unfortunately no stranger to having to make doctors appointments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Appointments with doctors / GPs are typically given in time-slots, perhaps 15 minutes or half an hour, it probably varies. If the receptionist does not know &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you are looking for an appointment, they will book you in for the shortest single time slot. That's likely what they have been trained to do. The worst-case scenario from this is that the doctor determines &lt;em&gt;during&lt;/em&gt; the appointment that 15 minutes isn't enough time to help you and suggests you come back later for a longer appointment. When I've had this happen, in passing along the doctor's suggestion, I simply say to the receptionist that the doctor &lt;em&gt;&quot;wants me back for an hour-long appointment next time.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the receptionist will ask what it is for. They are not usually asking for specifics. From past experience, they are asking if any special preparations have to be made; special equipment, a specific room in the building, assistance in moving or communicating with you, these kinds of things. If they do ask, you can simply tell them that &lt;em&gt;&quot;no special preparations are needed&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. If they persist, deliberate or otherwise, I've told them that &lt;em&gt;&quot;that's just for the doctor and I for now. It'll be up to her/him to decide if anyone else needs to know.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; By doing this, you are reminding them of your confidentiality without coming across as offensive. Let your rights work for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T14:08:09.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-22T14:30:57.787" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see myself in you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I don't have quite the same scenario, (I'm atheistic but in a more atheist-friendly environment), I'm a Vegan and have very much the same kinds of situations on that subject instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sometimes have people tip-toeing about when ordering non-vegan food when we go to restaurants, even though I really don't care (similar to your boss suggesting that saying &quot;bless you&quot; is offensive to you) and if people say things that I regard as stupid or uninformed about my diet, or about non-vegan diets, I'm often prone to jumping in with what I perceive at the time as friendly conversation but which is basically antagonism with a smile. I can't help but poke at the subject when it comes up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very likely that you've established yourself as being in a counter-position to religion, not simply for yourself, but for others. Any conversation you have on the subject would reinforce this notion that you are in effect being antagonistic, even if it's not meant to come across that way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You represent contrary opinions where everyone else is in an echo chamber of agreement, and that will set people on edge.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Your colleagues are normal, you are not. You represent a threat to normality, you are evidence that there is more than one way to live one's life. A challenge to How Things Are.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Beliefs are frequently tied closely to identity, and challenging them even obliquely is essentially a personal attack. How well people roll with it is rather more variable.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Your young offended colleague likely feels uncomfortable for those reasons as much as anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to answer the question, ask yourself if you want to be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1) ...a Frame-Challenge to your co-workers' lives&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if you'd rather just...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2) ...get along with them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming the first, consider very carefully how you talk about religion. You'll want to make really sure you're actually debating rather than simply challenging them when they aren't expecting it. Most people don't expect a debate on subjects they believe in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming the second, Bite your tongue and don't contribute to conversations about religious matters unless asked for your view. That's the simplest solution I can see for your problem. It's a professional environment and people's personal beliefs, however widespread, shouldn't have any bearing on it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That second one works pretty well for me most of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T17:15:13.293" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T17:15:13.293" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-22T14:55:06.860" Score="274" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have recently had to make a long series of doctors appointments. After the 3rd time someone asked me this I got a bit annoyed too and asked them why they were asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The receptionist smiled at me and said I didn't have to be specific, but she wanted to know so she could provide details for the doctor. This way they can determine multiple things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How long the appointment will take&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the doctor needs to make any arrangements (equipment, assistance, reserve a certain room)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if the doctor needs to do any research in advance. (Maybe you're coming back because the previous treatment didn't work, in this case he needs to think about a new treatment.) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If it's likely they'll need something from you (urine, bloodtest etc) they might inform you about this too. Especially if it's a follow up appointment. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's nothing personal and you don't have to go into deep details, but it will probably help you out if you give her &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not required to do so however, and you can always tell her 'I'm more comfortable discussing this with the doctor'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T17:26:19.270" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T17:26:19.270" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17837" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-22T15:13:49.413" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From how you describe things, it sounds like that what you view as &quot;discussing&quot; these things is viewed by your coworkers as &quot;attacking&quot; them, even if you're just stating objective facts (&quot;the Bible word-for-word says...&quot;) in a neutral way.  Your comment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And he probably won't like what I have to say...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;shows that you realize that even your neutral comments are likely to irk some people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am religious and throughout my schooling have consistently been surrounded by people &quot;attacking&quot; me, most of the time through general observations and comments (similar to your example) but sometimes directly attacking me and my religion.  It was difficult at first, but as I heard what people said, I gradually developed an ability to identify where, when viewed by my set of beliefs, the logic of their statements broke down and I no longer felt threatened by such comments.  It sounds like your colleague is still in the &quot;it was difficult at first&quot; stage of a development that parallels mine, at least possibly.  There's a lot I could say to help him, but he's not the one asking the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address your question, I think it's important to have an honest conversation where you try to figure out exactly what you said that offended him, see if it's something you should fix/apologize for, and try to understand each other better.  Then you can explain that it's not fair for him to expect that he can discuss religion but abridge your right to do so.  And on your part, you should assess the comments you make to see if their intent is to simply converse on a subject or if (perhaps unknowingly) you are actually trying to attack their beliefs.  If the latter, I think it's likely you'll offend again if such comments continue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3239" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T15:13:49.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17838" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-22T16:30:48.430" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I make clear I'm not happy sharing this information with them, without offending them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simple; when asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Can I ask what the reason for the appointment is?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You politely respond :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I would rather not share that information.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, based on the wording you provided, the receptionist was trying to give you the option to avoid disclosing any personal information you didn't feel the need to disclose.  That's the importance of starting the question with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Can I ask...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really wanted to make sure there was no hard feelings, it might make sense to add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If you have any specific questions about the nature of the visit, I may be able to answer those.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems like it could be excessive; but as mentioned in other answers, the receptionist is likely only trying to figure out some logistics of your visit.  There is probably some information that would help them, and that you could share without any awkward feelings on your end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1734" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T16:30:48.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-22T18:04:20.000" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see a variety of ways this could go. I think that in the end, if the religious discussion is producing conflict, the solution isn't to insist on your right to discuss, but to ask them not to discuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The variety of ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example 1&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;No bacon for me.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fred: &amp;quot;Is that because you keep kosher? You know, that would also mean that you can't use mixed fiber (etc., etc., etc.). Your religion seems pretty inconsistent.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, Fred is the person who brought up religion and behaved inappropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example 2&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;No bacon for me.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fred: &amp;quot;Oh, you have to try it--it's delicious.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;I can't--it's a religion thing.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fred: &amp;quot;I'll bet you're wearing mixed fibers (etc., etc., etc.). Your religion seems pretty inconsistent.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, Joe brought up religion, but only through necessity. Fred is still at fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example 3&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;Club sandwich, please.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fred: &amp;quot;You know that has bacon?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;Not a problem. I don't keep kosher.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fred: &amp;quot;Ah. Just making sure you knew.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, everybody's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example 4&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;In my religion, bacon is forbidden because reason and reason. Historically, this reason and also reason. Some people also argue it's reason.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fred: &amp;quot;You know, I've always wondered why restrictions on pork are strictly enforced, but others that would seem to be just as important based on the text--for example, about mixed fibers--aren't. It always struck me as inconsistent.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;Yeah, that's because reason--or possibly reason.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, IMO everybody is fine. If there was a preexisting rule against any religious discussion, Joe was wrong to raise it, but it seems to me that everybody is being civil.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example 5&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;In my religion... (same as above).&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fred: &amp;quot;You know, I've always wondered why...(same as above)&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;I don't appreciate you criticizing my religion.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fred: &amp;quot;Um. I thought we were discussing religion. No problem--let's talk baseball.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;After all, religious reason and religious reason.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fred: &amp;quot;Joe? I understand that you don't want me to talk religion, but in that case I need to ask you to stop talking religion.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, everybody could have been fine if Joe had backed off after what looked like an initial misunderstanding, but Joe is wrong to persist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example 6&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Joe: &amp;quot;In my religion...(new comment)&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fred: &amp;quot;Joe, we agreed last time on no religious discussion. Let's talk baseball.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T23:28:13.137" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17841" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-22T21:08:37.803" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;This answer is for the case given here, i.e. on the phone and not on-site, so there are no other patients listening in.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Receptionist: Okay, it will be with Dr. xxxxxx. Can I ask what the reason for the appointment is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, I have never met a receptionist which did &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; ask this question. It it is very valuable, practical information for them. It helps them to find a good time slot, including probable duration etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I prefer doctors whose assistants ask such. It means they think upfront, and I then usually do not sit in the waiting room for hours because they can actually plan their doctor's time in a sensible way. Also, if the same person handles the appointments of multiple doctors (which is the usual way in my country), then they get to pick the one who might specialize in my problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you are doing well to simply put together your acceptable answer up-front (before the call) and then give it. You might also just come out with your problem without them asking anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The receptionist should accept any level of detail, and at least in my country the receptionist obviously is also bound by law to uphold confidentiality, just the same as the doctor (and more likely than not, they have access to the same data anyways because they need it for their work).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have a problem with my hands that I didn't feel was serious enough for a visit to the hospital, but it has been going on long enough that I need a professional opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have some pain in my hands and need a professional opinion on how to proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or simply...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would prefer to discuss that with the doctor in private.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first two might indicate that you need an X-ray or MRT or whatever advanced test they can do, and the receptionist might be able to find a timeslot where that apparatus is free, saving you a lot of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T06:56:30.350" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T06:56:30.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17842" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3744" CreationDate="2018-08-22T21:25:03.597" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact that this is such a consistent pattern &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; the statement doesn't make sense in context suggests to me that the preface &lt;em&gt;&quot;I don't know why, but...&quot;&lt;/em&gt; is merely said out of &lt;strong&gt;habit&lt;/strong&gt; and the speaker doesn't intend it to indicate a negative. Compare to &lt;em&gt;&quot;To be honest...&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  and other such crutch phrases. They are said to fill a space, with no thought as to how they modify the meaning of the sentence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12172" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T21:25:03.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-22T21:33:26.067" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;With the GP practice that I am registered with in the UK, the receptionist's questions would have been in the opposite order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are presenting with a &lt;em&gt;new&lt;/em&gt; medical problem, after being asked what the problem is the receptionist (who is a trained health professional, not just a telephone operator!) would &quot;triage&quot; the problem and possibly transfer the phone call to one of the practice's nurses, rather than immediately take up a doctor's time with something that might not need that level of expertise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would add that the receptionist has access to your computerised medical records, so you don't need to describe things that are already on that record in detail - the receptionist can read! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact &quot;admin&quot; type problems (e.g. with repeat prescriptions, or test results that have gone astray for some reason) are usually sorted out by the receptionist him/herself, without anyone else having to spend time on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have no personal experience of refusing to give any information about a medical problem, but I suspect the result of that refusal would be put at the &quot;back of the queue&quot; so far as getting an appointment was concerned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="373" LastEditorUserId="373" LastEditDate="2018-08-22T21:38:37.943" LastActivityDate="2018-08-22T21:38:37.943" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-23T04:15:30.367" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’d just play it safe. The fact is that while it’s not fair for someone to make comments that may offend one of your disposition and then hold you accountable for doing the same to them, you’re better off not saying anything that will offend them if it has no real necessity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, as a Jew I often hear what are misconceptions about the Bible. If I’m involved in a conversation where it comes up, I won’t make an effort to correct it unless the other people show interest in my opinion. There are a couple of reasons why stating my opinion could be offensive, so it’s best avoided.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21142" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T04:15:30.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-23T05:43:14.683" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if this is relevant to your specific discomfort, but I haven't seen it mentioned here yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you're in the US, everyone involved in your medical care, from your MD to the nurses down to the receptionist and even peripheral care providers such as Pharmacists and pharmacy technicians or physical therapists are bound by HIPAA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Granted sharing personal medical information with any stranger can be uncomfortable, anyone working in the medical field should be well versed in not only the legal, but also personal sides of privacy and won't be sharing that information with anyone outside your treatment. In fact I even had to take a short course on the legal aspects of medical privacy for certification as an IT Network Tech, on the off chance I ended up working for a medical facility who would then go into deeper detail in their training program.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As most have mentioned, the real reason for these questions is really just to update your doctor/care provider so that they can be better prepared to treat you to the best of their ability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: I just saw that you're not located in the US, but I would imagine that the UK privacy laws are similarly all-encompassing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20600" LastEditorUserId="20600" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T05:50:04.780" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T05:50:04.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17848" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-23T06:13:54.980" Score="55" ViewCount="10364" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm unique in a lot of ways. I don't like sports, I'm not in touch with the current affairs, I don't have any opinion on most things and I don't know about most of the things that people talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I'm sure that there is a reason to all of this. I'm never disrespectful to elders. I'm willing to listen if anyone wants to share something and I can help someone in any way then not only do I volunteer but I sometimes go out of my way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite me not offending anyone, people get offended by the fact that I don't know xyz. It could be anything of the topics that I mentioned in the first paragraph. This is usually followed by judgements like &quot;oh my God! You don't know xyz? Don't call yourself a man&quot;, or &quot;how on Earth do you not know this? Everyone knows this&quot;. Even if I try to ask them &quot;oh, do tell me about it! I'm interested to know&quot;, &lt;em&gt;they still turn it back around to me&lt;/em&gt; and judge me for not knowing the xyz thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've started getting annoyed as I have to go on listening to this. What are good replies to this kind of judgement that people pass? How do I stand up for myself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit: Even when I show an interest in their topic, and try to make a discussion about their hot topic, they still drop that discussion and bring the conversation back to that judgement about me not knowing xyz.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21144" LastEditorUserId="21144" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T06:24:39.457" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T16:50:20.833" Title="How do you deal with colleagues and people around you constantly passing judgement on you for not knowing something?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T06:31:19.050" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry that this is happening to you so frequently, it definitely sounds annoying!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see a couple options here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could turn the attention back to them - when they say &quot;You don't know about xyz!?&quot; respond with &quot;No, I don't! Can you explain it to me?&quot;. This both shifts the focus back to them, but shows them you're interested in learning more and gives you a chance to better understand the subject. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Respond with a little self-deprecating humor. Responding to their comments as if they're joking diffuses the teasing, and gives them a chance to reconsider their rudeness. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they are being particularly rude, call them out on it. Say &quot;Nope, I don't know about that, and I don't appreciate how you're treating me because of it. I have other interests that I prefer to spend my time on. I respect your interests, I just don't know much about them.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, your response may vary person to person and may even incorporate parts of each approach. Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastEditorUserId="20493" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T06:37:07.047" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T06:37:07.047" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17850" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T07:07:51.020" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If this comes from one (or some) person in particular, you can use the following technique:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, find a topic where you know a lot and they probably know little. Then, respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, I don't know &lt;em&gt;xyz&lt;/em&gt;, I have no particular interest in this topic. However, I love that topic and I know a lot about it. Do you know &lt;em&gt;abc&lt;/em&gt;? And &lt;em&gt;fgh&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You follow with a big info dump on the topic you love and can finish by: &amp;quot;See? We don't have the same centers of interest and that's all right. So, can you now stop saying 'Everyone knows this', please?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I successfully use that technique with a &amp;quot;friend&amp;quot; of mine who could stand that I knew nothing about music (and movies) and thought that I was uncultivated (in my case, I info dump authors and book titles on him).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you got those commentaries from no one in particular, I suggest making a face to let them know that they said something wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or using humor:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-- But everyone knows this!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;-- I guess I'm a unicorn then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit in response to comment:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to use the info dump technique but don't know with that topic you can info dump them, ask yourself what you spend your free time doing. Once you have the answer to that, you can memorize some hardcore facts (that you don't already know and that you are happy to learn about) and info dump the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you can ask your family: &amp;quot;In your opinion, what are my center of interest? In what field do I know a lot?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T07:02:16.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T07:29:46.957" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;One reply that always worked for me is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Imagine how boring the world would be if everyone had the same interests and the same tastes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you stop the teasing without being rude and they cannot possibly say anything to contradict without being rude themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, depending on your mood, you can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask them to explain what they wanted to tell you. &quot;So, what about the drummer of the Beatles? I still don't see what's so special about him.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Change to a neutral topic or one that might interest you both. &quot;I really don't care about people kicking a ball around, but did you know (interesting fact) instead?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Fight fire with fire... (only if you feel really insulted and the other party just won't let it go) &quot;Yes, I don't know about the latest Trump tweet and still call myself a man. Do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; know how your phone recognizes what you are saying and converts it to a Google search term? No? You're using your phone every day and still don't know how it works. How do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; call yourself a man?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-08-25T06:55:12.753" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T06:55:12.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17852" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17855" CreationDate="2018-08-23T08:12:29.163" Score="6" ViewCount="1222" Body="&lt;p&gt;I often go out on weekends with a few friends of mine, we're all around 18-21 years old from Germany. One of them (lets name him L.) really is a chill guy. Me and my friends aren't really that good with girls in a romantic way, but we got some female mutual friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the deal is, every time our group is joined by a girl, L. behaves pretty &quot;agressive&quot; towards me and others. He's always trying to talk about himself in a good way while pushing us others down verbally. I should add we make fun of each other in a friendly, funny way all the time (as many guy-groups do) - nobody gets hurt and everyone, including the one made fun of at the moment, can laugh about the joke and/or roast the other one with a nice comeback. But when girls are around, L. does that to an extreme. He also always tries to push himself in the foreground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quick example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm fairly skinny, hence I'm always called a leek (&quot;Lauch&quot; in German, a pretty common way to make fun of skinny people here in Germany). I don't really have a problem with that, but last weekend he wouldn't stop comparing me to thin objects literally all night (because a female friend of us was around). Furthermore, when one of us was speaking, he quickly got his phone out and showed us some memes to get the attention back on him, which was really annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I now want to adress this behavior of his, make him aware of his behavior so that he hopefully stops/lessens it, but don't really know how.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T08:45:28.967" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T17:27:43.777" Title="Address friends overly &quot;agressive&quot; way to get attention back on him when around girls" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-23T08:58:01.290" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;UK resident here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience this is completely normal, the Receptionist fills in a form with your details and broad-strokes nature of the problem so that the doctor can have a clear idea what to expect beforehand.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Doctors are always busy, frequently overworked and benefit massively from not having to ask questions that could have been put on a form at reception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're really not comfortable giving a response, something low-detail or just saying it's not something you'd want to tell anyone but the doctor about will be acceptable, just not quite as convenient for them.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If it's an urgent problem or causing you active pain you'll want to make that clear though, otherwise your problem may get pushed down the queue in favour of more vocal patients.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In practice (no pun intended), I wouldn't worry.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The receptionists have seen and heard far worse stories than you're ever likely to bring them and they're typically legally or at least professionally bound to keep your confidential information private in the same way as the doctor is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T08:58:01.290" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17852" CreationDate="2018-08-23T09:10:34.737" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to share what I would do in this situation with a big disclaimer that it might not be suitable for you specifically or your group of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With my group of friends similar behavior was met with a very strong reaction from a few other people within the group and it was always very effective. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would say: &lt;strong&gt;Fight fire with fire&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to note that making fun of each other was a favourite past time activity in my group and it was maybe more than other groups do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples: Boy 1 talks to Girl 1. Boy 2 tries to focus attention to him. Boy 3 (or Boy 1 in some cases) intercepts with something like &quot;Oh Excuse him, he turns into attention black hole when he senses people without a Y chromosome.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then pulls Boy 2 to the side and Boy 1 can continue conversation undisturbed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or another situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B1 speaks with G1, B2 tries to go &quot;Oh look at this cool meme I saw yesterday&quot;, B3 immediately goes &quot;No look at my meme&quot;, B4 goes &quot;No look at mine&quot; all obviously mocking mocking B2 trying to butt in. Then B3 continues with &quot;Wasn't that nice, lets do something more fun, isn't this paint drying on that wall over there, lets go see&quot; and pulls B2 away again before anyone saw whatever he was trying to show on his phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is how we would handle this when any member tries to focus attention on him while someone is having a conversation with someone from the opposite sex. I am saying again, might not be suitable at all for your group and everyone needs to be in on the joke. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T09:10:34.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17856" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17860" CreationDate="2018-08-23T09:40:35.480" Score="94" ViewCount="23378" Body="&lt;p&gt;A while ago, my parents/brothers and I went to visit a theatre performance (in The Netherlands, where we live). We booked really nice first class tickets with empty seats in front of us. We booked them very last-minute, hoping we would be lucky, and we were. A few of the seats in front of us were still empty during the performance. After the break, what looked like a mother and her daughter (in her early teens) entered the row in front of us, and stopped at the seats in front of me and my dad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I clearly overheard their talk, and the girl was telling her mother that these were not their seats, that their seats were about 5 rows further back. Her mother tried to keep up the act that these were their seats though. In the end, she noticed they now had our attention, and asked us 'Are these seats taken?'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom and dad were hesitating, so I just cut in: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, these seats aren't taken. And no, they will not be taken either. We booked our seats this way, so maybe no one would be in front of us. I clearly overheard your daughter telling you that you booked seats about five rows further back, so please go to the seats assigned to you on your ticket, or I will go and fetch an attendant to remind you where they are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Might be of interest that we booked 1st class tickets, and that about 2 rows further back, 2nd class started. So they were basically trying to get a free upgrade. &lt;strong&gt;Also note that taking seats that aren't assigned to you is breaking the theatre's house rules.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite my answer, the mother sat down, and pulled the girl into a chair as well, the girl already looked majorly uncomfortable and embarassed at this point. So, I got up, didn't engage the mother further, fetched the nearest attendant like I had promised, and they came with me to remove them to their own seats. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The girl's mother started insulting my mom, telling her she had done a poor job raising me, that the only thing she did right was feeding me (I am overweight, ouch). At this point, only the attendant's presence probably prevented this from escalating into a proper, physical fight. This ladies remarks managed to take away some of the good spirits we were in that evening, despite us all having had a really good time up to that moment, and us trying to dismiss/joke it off afterwards. We were all a bit less cheery for the rest of the evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the attendant escorted mom and her daughter to their proper seats, &#xA;I started feeling bad for the girl, she was looking so embarrassed with the way her mom was behaving, we were feeling less cheery but she was close to tears. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get the impression something in my response/actions triggered all of this, but I can't really put a finger on what it was. &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;So, next time someone takes seating not assigned to them, how can I handle the situation in a way that won't make the other person feel a need to be nasty and ruin our cheerfulness, while at the same time prevent possible children of being embarassed by their parent's behavior?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There have been a lot of comments saying it's not 'my job to enforce the rules' or that these people were perfectly entitled to take those seats, so to clarify a bit further to avoid this confusion:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the Netherlands, it's perfectly acceptable (and even expected) to point out to people that they're breaking a rule and inconveniencing you, before getting any authorities involved. People talking in a silence carriage, people smoking outside of smoking areas, people taking seats that aren't theirs to take, neighbors causing stench by having 30 dogs: It's expected you point out that there's rule they're breaking, that they're inconveniencing you, and only after go fetch an authority. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So yeah, while it's technically not my job to 'enforce' the rules by physically moving these strangers to their proper seats, it's my 'job' (duty?) to tell them, &lt;em&gt;when seeing people trying to take seats that aren't theirs, and being asked whether these seats are free&lt;/em&gt;, that these seats may be free but not theirs to take according to the rules of the theater, and to let them know breaking it will get them into trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they hadn't asked, and I had seen them commit the offense, I could've silently flagged an attendant or pointed out their mistake to them in a more gentle way, like 'Hey, we didn't see you here before the break, did you miss the beginning?'. But by asking whether the seats are free (which, as LordFarquaad pointed out in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/17882/1599&quot;&gt;their answer&lt;/a&gt; is equal to confessing you're trying to commit an offense), the burden was up to us to tell them that they were trying to break the rules being fully aware of them (which is slightly worse than unknowingly breaking a rule). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people might be thinking that I'm only taking offense to the seat being occupied, but the combination of them deliberately breaking the rules in combination with them not paying for the seats and limiting a view, all while engaging us in the process, is what makes it worthwhile enough to be assertive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T11:35:49.693" LastActivityDate="2019-12-09T14:52:21.493" Title="How to handle people blocking your view and breaking the rules at the theater by not sitting in their assigned seats?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T10:03:28.900" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also get asked this kind of question from time to time, with similar levels of incredulity but usually without the insults.  Often I'll ask that person to write me a list of things I'm supposed to know, sometimes adding the explanation that if &lt;em&gt;everyone&lt;/em&gt; knows this stuff then it's really important and useful to help the few that don't to fill in the gaps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those that take it seriously think about it for a bit and then realise what's wrong with such a list and subsequently why the stuff they know doesn't necessarily overlap the stuff I know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10487" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T10:03:28.900" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T10:15:44.093" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It appears from what you said and the way that lady behaved that you seem to be gone a little far (from that lady's perspective) by telling them to call the attendant. Of course, her behaviour wasn't any good and they were looking for a free upgrade (which is a very common thing). Though I cannot read what was going on the mind of that lady, but she must have thought that I'd sit here since it's empty and see what happens once you told them to call the attendant. Pulling her daughter in her seat confirms it. I've seen the similar cases where people do exactly what they aren't told to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the next time when someone is not taking their assigned seats, just tell them where their seats are, given that you know that these aren't their seats. Something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me! Are you looking for {seat no}? It is there after five rows in the back. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't tell them to call the attendant and don't do it at all since they clearly want to sit there. If they sit in the wrong seats and you want to call the attendant, just do it without explicitly saying so and attendant will take care of it. Also try not to come along with the attendant if you want to avoid the fight. You can also save their children from embarrassment a little by avoiding arguments, but not completely because their parent just did the wrong thing by seating into the seats not assigned to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they ask whether these seats are taken or not, just tell them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We don't know. Maybe someone is running late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T10:26:58.087" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T10:26:58.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T10:27:50.283" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This pretty much sounds like a clear case of: &lt;strong&gt;You can't control how others will feel&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my eyes you took the proper course of action to receive your goal and you can't change how others would perceive that course. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The mother is the one who brought the child into that situation, not you. If the child/other person feels uncomfortable, it is there job to get out of it. They can always tell the mother/person that breaks the rules to stop and behave correctly. Mostly these kind of people are more likely to listen to someone they know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I think that you can't stop someone from becoming nasty if they really want to. In this case the mother wanted that free upgrade, no matter what. You weren't even able to stop her with the threat to fetch an attendant (which indicates that she is a nasty person to begin with). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sorry to tell you, but I think you handled it pretty much perfect as you wanted to keep the seats in front of you empty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two possible ways to not have the mother becoming nasty and having the daughter being embarrassed is by accepting the fact that the mother wants to sit there and actually let them sit there. Or by going to the attendant without saying anything to these persons at all. The second solution might not be 100% failsafe as they might be suspecting you to be the one who called the attendant. And from there we would be back to becoming nasty towards you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6097" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T10:27:50.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T10:30:36.040" Score="97" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been the kid in a situation like this. My father can behave a lot like this girl's mother. It is extremely embarrassing when your parents break social norms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's analyse their behaviour. One or more of them wanted better seats. One of them, most likely the mother decided to take the empty seats in front of you, which were an upgrade. The houserules of the theater and social etiquette don't allow that, but they did so anyway. It seems like the girl was more aware of the rules and/or social etiquette than the mother (or cared more for them). Being her parent, the mother is in a position of power over the girl. The mother forced the girl to do something embarrassing: breaking social norms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point they realised you caught them in the act of doing something embarrasing. What is even more embarrassing than doing something embarrassing? Being seen doing something embarrassing. At this point the mother asked &quot;are these seats taken?&quot;. She was looking for confirmation from you that it was okay to sit there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's where an opportunity to stop them feeling embarrassed appeared. You could have said &quot;no&quot; and left it at that. You'd have confirmed that their actions are within social norms for you. That does not get you to your desired outcome, though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could have said yes or some not-definite no, but that would be a white lie. You may not feel so good about lying, and they would know you lied when no one turned up in the end, but you would have saved them some embarrassment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I clearly overheard your daughter telling you that you booked seats about five rows further back&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, you confirmed you caught them red-handed. This must have increased the embarrassment even further. But the mother continued the socially unacceptable behaviour and sat down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, you could have used something less... accusatory. The part about getting an attendant can also be considered threatening (&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/17861/21067&quot;&gt;as pointed out by Imus&lt;/a&gt;). This gets their defences up. Perhaps&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Those seats were supposed to be empty. We bought these more expensive seats for exactly that reason. Are you sure those seats are yours?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question allows them to back off graciously, instead of even more embarrassed. The way you've described this mother, it may not work, though it should have achieved overall lower embarrassment levels. The high embarrassment levels are probably what fueled the mother's anger. Her intrapersonal issues are not your fault. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should they not go back to their seats at that point, you can escalate (peacefully). This does bring more embarrassment to them, but &lt;strong&gt;that is entirely on the mother&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You got caught in a catch-22, set up by the mother. Suffer or embarrass. The only thing you can do is damage control. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-12-09T14:52:21.493" LastActivityDate="2019-12-09T14:52:21.493" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T10:42:37.997" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the seats were taken it would've been easy. You could've just answered that and they would most likely go to their own seats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem here is that the seats were actually empty. So they're not actually &quot;stealing&quot; the seats from anyone (except maybe the theater, but I'm assuming you don't really have an issue with the free upgrade part, rather with the limiting our view part).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taken from their perspective you don't really have much right to complain. Someone else could've actually payed for those seats so you would've had the same inconvenience anyway. While they get a major difference from 4 lines of people in front of them to perfect view (especially so for a smaller kid).&#xA;So their only concern would be taking someone elses seat which they ask you if that would be the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of getting confirmation that those seats were in fact free, you responded quite boldly that even though the seats are free they're not allowed to sit there, and you'd even go so far as to get the attendant to make them go away again. Ofcourse she wouldn't be happy with this response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try with a friendlier wording instead of immediatly threatening to get the attendant:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me miss, but these are not your seats. We would greatly appreciate it if you didn't limit our vision by taking them instead of going back to your own seats. Thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you show them that you have an issue with it and give them the chance to back out ... which she most likely will ignore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that you can decide if your minor inconvenience is really worth the trouble of forcing them to go away. If you decide it is you can with a clear concience request more strongly for them to leave and if needed get help from the attendant:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Look, I tried asking you nicely to go to your own seat, do I really need to get the attendant or are you going to follow your smart daughter's idea to actually go back to your own seats?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Added bonus for confirming the kid she was right all along, which might aleviate some of the embaressment later on when the kid tells the story to her friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's impossible to prevent the kid from feeling embaressed. This is entirely on her mother. Try not to let it get to you too much ... or if it does, choose to take the slight inconvenience of limited view the next time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T10:42:37.997" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17862" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17888" CreationDate="2018-08-23T10:43:14.293" Score="4" ViewCount="714" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a city in the UK that is hosting some competitive sporting events in coming months. From my time at university and beyond, I have made a number of friends and acquaintances across the globe, some of which are interested in the sports involved. They mainly come from North America and Asia. Many have been messaging me asking if it is worthwhile travelling to attend these events. Many of them - from the wording of their messages - assume that because I live in the city, that I automatically have an interest in the sports involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I have no interest whatsoever in these events and thus have never tried to learn more about them. I would normally recommend a friend or acquaintance who also lives in the city that they could ask for pointers from, but nobody in my extended circle is interested either. To my knowledge, I have never lead anyone to assume that I do like these sports.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I find the events to be quite inconvenient due to road closures, effects on public transport etc., but I keep these opinions to myself as I don't want to discourage an avid fan from attending (and it's the price you pay for living in the city!). When someone asks for info or if I'm interested, I don't mention these inconveniences, nor say anything hurtful or extreme; just that it's not my cup of tea, but they ought to check out web sites or Facebook groups for people that might be. I'm always still happy to catch up with them in person if they come visit though, and the city has plenty to offer besides hosting these events. I'd hate to lie to them because I know virtually nothing about the sports, I really can't say if the long trips are worth it just for those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On my opinion alone, some are feeling discouraged or are seriously considering cancelling their trip because it's not worth it if &lt;em&gt;I'm&lt;/em&gt; not excited about it. For many I suspect I'm their only regular point of contact here. My questions are; How can I encourage them to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; base their judgements purely on my own opinion (without ignoring them or lying)? Similarly, how can I suggest to them to do some digging into groups that would be interested without coming across as dismissive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastEditorDisplayName="user8671" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T10:53:35.643" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T00:46:57.573" Title="How to encourage people to not make/cancel travel plans based solely on my personal opinion?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17866" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17812" CreationDate="2018-08-23T12:06:26.960" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, it doesn't matter what your friend's (apparent) sexuality is. Whether heterosexual (plenty of self-labelled &quot;straight&quot; people have same sex affairs/sex at some time), homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or even asexual but romantic, it doesn't matter. What matters is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is it you they have a crush on&lt;br/&gt;and if so&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do you wish them not to act on it towards you&lt;br/&gt;and if so&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;what do &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want as far as friendship or other connections go.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they haven't explicitly said it's you, then you have no reason not to directly ask. If they then say it is you, you can gently tell them you are flattered, but not after that with them. It isn't something you want now, and won't be something you are likely to want in future either. But you do like and value them a lot as a friend, and would like them to think if they can handle that, or if they need time apart (as friends) to process it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T12:06:26.960" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T12:11:07.410" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I deal in areas that require a number of pieces of specialist knowledge, and it's not possible to learn &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;a href=&quot;https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/lessons-from-sherlock-holmes-cultivate-what-you-know-to-optimize-how-you-decide/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Sherlock Holmes once described his mind as an 'attic'&lt;/a&gt;, choosing carefully what knowledge to store and what to forget (Watson decrying the fact he did not know whether the sun orbited the earth or vice versa).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is the same case here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When challenged by a colleague, friend, or even verbal opponent on the topic of ignorance, it's worth politely reminding them that there must be some subjects that even they do not know about (the depth of the ocean, for example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if someone said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;oh my God! You don't know xyz? Don't call yourself a man&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My reply might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It is not possible for a single person to know &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will concede that, yes, there were subjects they were ignorant on. It might be worth adding:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I imagine at some point you were also unfamiliar with the subject to begin with?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a lot of people expect learner drivers to be able to know everything about driving - forgetting they too were learners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might even add that you're purposefully avoiding cluttering your mind with information you personally deem as unnecessary:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I prefer to focus on topics of interest, so I avoid having to keep track of unnecessary details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A skill vital within a workplace is that teamwork, and thus having people who know particular things (and not say 'everything') is vital. A surgeon will not necessarily know about financial acumen, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18052" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T12:11:07.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17868" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T12:13:07.727" Score="80" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to work in a cinema where this is a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did the correct thing by getting the attendant and letting them deal with it, that is what they are trained to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only thing I would potentially do in the future differently is not even engage them to begin with, generally if someone knows they are doing something wrong in a public setting like a theatre, they are much more likely to ignore you than accept defeat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I noticed them sit in seats which they obviously were not supposed to be in, I would quietly grab a steward and they will do the rest. That will avoid a direct confrontation with yourself and will have the desired outcome of them being moved.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17401" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T12:13:07.727" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17869" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-23T12:25:47.900" Score="90" ViewCount="32618" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently started dating a girl and we're an item, and are happy hanging out together.  We have strong feelings for each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is somewhat overweight (not hugely so but not at a healthy weight) and I am a little overweight.  Although I do some exercise, usually playing squash and walking, I could still do with working out at the gym more. I would probably want to do mostly weight training, but I really struggle to motivate myself to go and let my gym membership lapse as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would hugely benefit both of us to go to the gym at least twice a week and I think a great solution would be for her to be my gym buddy.  The trouble is I know she is extremely insecure about her weight to the point where I have had to convince her on multiple occasions that I am attracted to her because she assumed I am not, owing to her being overweight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would be good for both me and her to go to the gym regularly and I actually think if she got into it it would increase her self-esteem a lot and reduce the insecurity, but I fear that asking her to be my gym buddy would be interpreted by her as &quot;I find you fat and ugly&quot; which is not true at all.  I simply think it is a good thing in general to keep fit.  At the moment her lifestyle is quite sedentary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I go about asking her to be my gym buddy without hurting her feelings, and with a decent chance she'll say yes?  I'd like to sign us both up together at the same time for a nice gym and arrange to go maybe 2 days a week to work out for an hour each time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21154" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2019-06-28T17:29:19.043" LastActivityDate="2019-06-28T17:29:19.043" Title="How can I ask my girlfriend to be my gym buddy without hurting her feelings?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;exercise&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-23T12:50:01.147" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;On how to convince her, you might want to &lt;strong&gt;approach the issue on the fun way&lt;/strong&gt; rather than the healthy one - tell her about the pleasant feeling soreness brings, how she'll feel she has more energy, how you're gonna &lt;strong&gt;spend more time together&lt;/strong&gt;, committing on a common activity. Tell her that you need someone to motivate yourself, as you just told us. People are way more likely to go something good if it serves other rather than just themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I also found helpful to convince my SO to go to the gym with me is to &lt;strong&gt;subscribe to a duet formula&lt;/strong&gt; - you pay for one, you bring a buddy - whoever they are, whenever you feel like it. These formulae are way cheaper than two regular subscriptions (and only slightly more expensive than one regular formula) so it'd make your girlfriend more comfortable and less afraid of wasting money (if that's something that bothers her). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T13:31:24.170" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T13:31:24.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-23T12:52:12.027" Score="57" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Having been that receptionist a few times* I can tell you about it from the other side.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm UK based and was working for NHS GP surgeries. Receptionists are bound by all the same patient confidentiality rules. They're just receptionists, no special training apart from the list of reasons that get you through regardless, the doctors make any decisions on priority based on the reason given.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your description of the conversation you were offered an appointment on the same day, that would class as an urgent appointment and require a reason to be given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are permitted to say it's personal or private. The receptionists don't want more than one or two words to describe it, it's not a very big text box. We certainly don't want the extensive details that too many people gave us as soon as they were given the opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking a reason for the appointment normally only applies to &lt;strong&gt;urgent appointments&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;special appointments&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;nurse appointments&lt;/strong&gt;. Every so often a doctor will ask for a reason on every appointment but it never sticks as it takes too long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a doctor the &lt;strong&gt;special appointments&lt;/strong&gt; are normally things like baby and maternity checks that take longer. If you're booking multiple slots for a single appointment the doctors are going to want to know why, a reason is always required for this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Nurse appointments&lt;/strong&gt; often require equipment such as dressings or vaccinations that may not be stored in their own room fridge. Putting a reason on the appointment allows the nurse to have everything ready before calling you in. Nurses will not normally call a patient in without knowing why they're there, if they have to leave a patient in the room they'll need to call another member of staff in. A patient should never be left alone in a clinical room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Urgent appointments&lt;/strong&gt; can be prioritised based on the reason given. &quot;Personal&quot; will come below &quot;Chest Pain&quot; or &quot;Baby having asthma attack&quot; for example. Some reasons also allow overbooking of appointments, there's a set of reasons which will allow you to book an appointment on the same session even if all the listed appointments are filled. Beyond that list, the receptionist doesn't care what your reason for wanting the appointment is, they &lt;em&gt;must not&lt;/em&gt; attempt to make judgement on the urgency of your condition, only a clinician can do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason the receptionist asks at the end of booking the appointment is simply because that's when the dialog box comes up asking for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&lt;em&gt;It's a tough job but not a thankless one, around Christmas we lived on chocolate provided by the regular patients. Soooo much chocolate, but more is always appreciated.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1669" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-30T14:33:44.570" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T14:33:44.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T12:57:02.100" Score="90" Body="&lt;p&gt;Please do not be offended, but I feel like you might be the kind of person that doesn't pick up on subtle social interactions. It could also be the case if English isn't your first language, or you are not originally from this (presumably) Western culture where this exchange is taking place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't have any opinion on most things  ... People get offended by the fact that I don't know xyz. It could be&#xA;  anything of the topics that I mentioned in the first paragraph. This&#xA;  is usually followed by judgements like &quot;oh my God! You don't know xyz?&#xA;  Don't call yourself a man&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reading the above, my first thought is that you are mistakenly believing that the folks above are actually offended. Here's an example of something someone might say in a routine conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;OMG you haven't seen the new Star Wars movie yet?? What, are you&#xA;  LIVING UNDER A ROCK OR SOMETHING?!?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dude, you've never been to a strip club?!? Don't even call yourself a&#xA;  man anymore bro!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the above statement, the person speaking this way is actually communicating &lt;strong&gt;their&lt;/strong&gt; passion for the topic, without actually meaning much of any kind of insult to you. This has (bizarrely) become a somewhat common way of speaking over perhaps the last few decades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, I would suggest that rather than trying to decide how not to offend these folks, you consider that they are not &lt;strong&gt;actually&lt;/strong&gt; offended in the first place. A good way of moving forward, if that is the case, is to just fully roll with the punches here and laugh along with them. Also feel free to hit them right back with the same kind of exchange. The next time this happens to you, &lt;strong&gt;just fire right back&lt;/strong&gt; with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nope, I didn't watch the 'Super Bowl'. I was too busy re-watching&#xA;  Season 10 of 'Doctor Who'. Wait, you don't know about Doctor Who? WHAT PLANET&#xA;  ARE YOU FROM?! How do you even get through life?!?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Replace &quot;Doctor Who&quot; above with literally any topic you are interested in)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21156" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-25T18:01:55.043" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T18:01:55.043" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17874" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-23T12:59:54.913" Score="131" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make it about &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; and not about &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt;.  In other words, tell her that you want to go to the gym more often but have trouble getting the motivation, and it would really help &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; get there and work out if she would be your buddy and go with you.  That should remove a lot of her anxiety and have her feeling good about helping you out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that it is much easier to work out when I know I have a buddy relying on me.  I covered a lot of miles running through ice and snow and heat and rain solely because I didn't want to disappoint the person I was going to run with.  You've probably had some similar experiences, even if it wasn't exercise, where you did something good for yourself because you were partnered up.  Think about that and have that ready when you discuss it with your girlfriend. Again, making it about &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; having it easier to work out if she's willing to help out.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your girlfriend is uncomfortable with her appearance she may not want to change and shower at the gym.  For that matter, depending on the state of the gym shower, you might not want to either.  You could say something like &quot;might be easier for me if I changed and showered at home&quot; and see how that flies.  If she tells you no way she is leaving the gym sweaty and smelly, then you know that isn't an issue for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may also be more at ease if you don't go full on with buying a long term membership right away.  Maybe just do some day passes.  I know the theory is that if you buy a membership, you'll feel compelled to use it, but if you are already stressed about going, that may add even more stress.  And if you have several options for gyms, buying day passes lets you try out a couple of different ones till you find one that feels right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the other answers to this question say that the OP should not try to help his girlfriend with her insecurity about her weight and appearance, and that by doing so, he is &quot;body-shaming&quot; her.  However, the OP says his girlfriend is extremely insecure about her weight, to the point where he has to reassure her that he finds her attractive.  Her insecurity is a &lt;strong&gt;relationship problem&lt;/strong&gt;. Exercising and becoming fitter is a well known way to increase self-esteem.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who was the &quot;fat kid&quot; that was bullied in school, I can personally speak to this.  A buddy helped me get an exercise program started so I could train for a 7 mile race.  That turned my life around and completely changed my self image.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-08-29T11:00:33.387" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T11:00:33.387" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T13:36:51.360" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this specific situation, the path of least resistance came in the form of them asking if the seats were taken.  Unless you are opposed to lying, it would have been easiest to just tell them that the seats were in fact already taken.  The mother was apparently willing to break social norms, but by asking, revealed that she probably wasn't willing to enter into a conflict with someone who &lt;strong&gt;did&lt;/strong&gt; have a proper claim to the seat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a more general situation, where they didn't attempt to engage you at all, just quietly go find an attendant, and point out that someone is sitting in a seat they are not assigned.  If avoiding conflict is especially important to you, take that moment to continue on past the attendant for a restroom break or something. The attendant will have already corrected the issue before you return, without any obvious cause and effect involving you (unless they actually witness you talking to the attendant).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your secondary goal of saving the child from embarrassment is almost always going to conflict with your desire to enforce social norms on their parent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10207" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T08:18:58.607" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T08:18:58.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17877" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T14:07:50.113" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is the less upfront but &quot;safer&quot; strategy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they ask you if the seat are free, tell them you don't know (someone might have bought the ticket without you knowing) and then say that you do not advise sitting here because the theater is very picky about the rule of &quot;not changing seat&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they seat down anyway, wait a little (so that they forget you) and go fetch the attendant. Make sure to not be seen with him so they won't know that you are responsible for them being forced to there previous seat. Since you warn them about the theater rule, they will probably expect this and the drama will be avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more upfront and &quot;dangerous&quot; strategy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother is more or less like this girl mother so, I might be able to give you insight into this mother brain. And since I have a long experience dealing with my mum, I might be able to help you dealing with this kind of people in the futur.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a similar situation my mother whould also have take those better and available seat and wouldn't have seen the harm in it. After all, she wasn't taking anyone place, right? But you obviously disagree with that fact so you need to make her understand &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you think they cannot take those seats (she doesn't have to agree, just to understand so that she will resent you less). Maybe try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, we buy these tickets because we knew those seet will be free. They doesn't belong to you so do you mind moving somewhere else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they move somewhere that is still in 1st class but isn't in front of you anymore, then they are no longer your problem (but you can still go to the attendant if you like to).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I belive you also have a problem with the fact that this mum is breaking the in-house law. You need to understand that she probably consider this law as stupid and thus, she has no problem breaking it. And you probably have no chance in changing her mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they didn't move after you ask them (maybe there aren't any other &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; seat available), wait a little (five minutes maybe). Then, say something like that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but you really block my view and since the rule of the theater specify that people are not allow to change seat, do you mind regaining yours?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that you waited saw that you did try to be nice but your question will inevitably be perceived as selfish (you are putting your confort before them) and the mum will probably refused to move.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, you already made two attempt at &quot;moving them&quot; without success. You show that you are polite (with a lot of &quot;sorry&quot;) and patient. They will still think you are selfish but at least you have other quality so the mother will probably be less violent against you for what's coming next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, here come the last attempt:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I didn't want to fetch an attendant but you are breaking the rule which make me really unconfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then get up and go fetch the attendant. The mother will probably still be angry at you but hopefully less violent. And for the child to not be embarassed, well, that probably a lost cause (but you can still try to apologize to her with your eyes/face).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T14:41:42.283" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T14:41:42.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T14:21:59.860" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem with the way you phrased what you were saying, was that it sounded like it was from you to them. As in, you were saying &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; say you are not allowed to sit there&quot;, which of course encourages them to object. A better way to put it, is to phrase it so that you are on the same team. Something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid this theatre actually has rules about people changing seats. While I'd be happy to let you sit there if it was up to me, I wouldn't want you to get in trouble when the attendant comes through to check the seats.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you make it clear that you are on their side, but remind them that it's against the rules. So if they get angry at anyone, it will be at the theatre, and not you. If they still insist on sitting there, then really on their own head be it. You have warned them it's against the rules, but it is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; your place to enforce these rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to press the issue, you can say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'd really appreciate it if you didn't sit there, as I don't want to be interrupted when the attendant asks you to leave&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here you are still trying to phrase it non-confrontationally, but as it is a bit more selfish (&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; don't want &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; viewing to be interrupted), there is a chance it could be taken badly. At least you are making it clear that your problem is not with them per se so much as the fact that they would be breaking the rules, and you highlight again the fact that sitting there is explicitly breaking the rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are not causing you any problems, and your only issue with them is that they are breaking the rules, then going to the attendant to ask them to be moved will be taken badly. It is a general rule of human society that when person A breaks a rule and person B reports them to an authority figure, person A will be angry with person B. For reference, see the phrase &quot;snitches get stitches&quot;. Unfortunately there really isn't any way to get around this, and if you decide it is important that a rulebreaker be reported, you just have to accept that you will make an enemy of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4652" LastEditorUserId="4652" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T10:15:20.277" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T10:15:20.277" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-23T14:37:38.773" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many people think that working out implies your current body is ugly; you want to break that idea. I think your explanation in your OP does a pretty good job; I wouldn't be afraid to just be up front and honest about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;List of things I told my GF to convince her to train with me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;there's nothing wrong with wanting to improve. I told her I like the&#xA;way my body looks but still enjoy working out everyday and seeing how&#xA;my body improves.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;because I workout everyday, and she often ended up waiting while I&#xA;was busy, we would be able to spend more time together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it would be fun to have a hobby we could share and do together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm very attracted to her and like the way she looked (I've told her&#xA;this many times)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;because she already looks perfect to me, it would drive me crazy if&#xA;she improved herself even more&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I'd lead by setting an example. Don't wait for her to start working out! A gym buddy is nice, but don't 100% rely on him/her; that's setting yourself up for excuses (&quot;can't workout today because x is not coming&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the way, a strength-based routine is pretty unisex, so that could be fun to do together!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19757" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T22:07:34.973" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T22:07:34.973" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-23T14:55:43.410" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;Instead of just going to the gym, try to find a physical activity you both will enjoy doing together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rock climbing is a great activity to get in shape, lose weight, and build confidence. If there is an indoor climbing gym in your area, I suggest you two go and check it out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or try to join an adult softball, kickball, soccer, etc. league.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you're not saying &quot;Let's go workout because we're overweight&quot;, rather you’re saying, &quot;Let's go do a fun activity together that gets us up and moving!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do understand that she may be unwilling to partake in these types of activities due to her weight and insecurity (I have a friend who refuses* to go climbing because she doesn't want to be, &quot;the fat girl&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To overcome these types of objections, I usually reply, &quot;No one will really notice or care, they're doing their own thing&quot; or I've even said, &quot;everyone will actually be impressed because they know you have to work harder than them!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing brought up in the comments is that you both may find motivation to start going to the gym after partaking in these physical activities for a period of time. I've started going to the gym to work on conditioning to improve my climbing. I'm much more motivated to workout to improve my strength and ability rather than lose weight or look a certain way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;*I actually got her to go climbing last weekend and it went really well. She didn't feel uncomfortable and actually enjoyed it. &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastEditorUserId="30" LastEditDate="2018-08-27T09:39:01.707" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T09:39:01.707" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17881" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T15:03:47.767" Score="73" Body="&lt;p&gt;In any theater with assigned seating, it is not your job to remove people from seats they haven't paid for.  That is the job of the ushers and other staff, who are paid to check tickets and are (perhaps minimally) trained to resolve disputes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know the seats are not taken, but you don't want to tell the person asking, instead defer: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They may or may not be, why don't we ask the attendant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are determined to thwart their intention to take the seats, add, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Here, let me get the attendant for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and watch them quickly sidle away, knowing their tickets will be checked and they will be exposed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, how hard would it have been to just let them have the seats, since no one was sitting there?  You could even become co-conspirators by telling them that you know the seats are available, and help to set the daughter's mind at ease. Yes, they're taking seats they didn't pay for, but they're not &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; seats and it's unlikely that they would have seriously impeded your view.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you all get to enjoy a better view of the performance, and walk away happy, instead of creating an entirely avoidable public squabble that left you all feeling upset.  I just don't see the upside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T16:41:25.703" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T16:41:25.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T15:14:58.390" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your approach should focus on 2 things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Point out what they should be doing without accusing them of wrongdoing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Focus on the rule, not on how it affects you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At a venue with assigned seating, there's really no reason someone should be asking if a seat is taken. The only seats you know are taken are your own; if you have to ask, they're not your seats. So really, even if you hadn't overheard that their seats were actually 5 rows back, you already know they're trying to get a free upgrade.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, calling people out for wrongdoing makes them really unhappy. You've told the mother &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I know you're trying to do something you're not supposed to do&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; and people don't like that. A more interpersonal approach is to effectively say &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I know this thing is wrong, not that you're trying to do it or anything.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; But that's &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; hard to do by focusing on the bad behavior. It's just too easy for them to assume you're calling them out, which is what we're trying to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A far easier approach is to reassert good behavior and assume that's what they're trying to do. For example, when they ask if those seats are taken, look at them with a big smile and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, well the seating here is actually assigned, it should be on your ticket. Do you know which seats you have? I can probably help you find them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't say this with any condescension or accusation; you want to appear genuinely enthusiastic to help. As far as they can tell, it's never even crossed your mind they might be trying to do something wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From here, then, you've given them two options. The first is for the mother to quietly concede and go to her assigned seats. That's the best case. At no point do you have to expose that she tried to do something wrong, she doesn't have (too much) ill will towards you, and the seats in front of you remain open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more likely outcome is for her to say something like, &lt;em&gt;&quot;Well, our seats are actually a little farther back but we can't see very well and if these seats are open .......&quot;&lt;/em&gt; The thing is, she knows she isn't supposed to be sitting there, but the fact that she's trying to anyway means she's already justified it. That she got mad at you confirms this; she saw your intervention as an injustice against her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's important though, is that she's confessed to you that she's trying to break a rule. You didn't squeeze it out of her and you didn't accuse her, she just told you. You've gotten through the first half of this conversation without putting her on the defensive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now,  I still think you shouldn't bring up how them sitting there affects you. Like I said, she's justified being in that seat. If you then said &lt;em&gt;&quot;well I cant see with you there,&quot;&lt;/em&gt; then she has to decide if your justification is better than hers, and the odds of that aren't exactly overwhelming. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I'd focus on the &lt;em&gt;object reasons why the rule is important.&lt;/em&gt; Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They actually don't want you to do that. Sometimes people show up late and it's really disruptive if someone's in their seats already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This helps avoid a &quot;you vs. me&quot; mentality. She doesn't really get to push against you on this, because it's not your rule; you're just telling her about it. At that point, if she decides to go ahead and sit their anyway, just quietly get the attendant. You've told her that she shouldn't be sitting there and why, which is all that can be expected of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3601" LastEditorUserId="3601" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T20:16:00.157" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T20:16:00.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17883" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T15:17:55.893" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would recommend simply dismissing them.  When they say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;oh my God! You don't know xyz? Don't call yourself a man&quot;, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would reply with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Am I supposed to know xyz?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or in your other case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;how on Earth do you not know this? Everyone knows this&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My reply would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I guess everybody doesn't know this after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is all assuming that you really don't care about the topics discussed and have absolutely no desire to learn about them or further engage with these people in conversation.  There will always be people to pass judgement, let them to it and move on.  Escalating and starting arguments will accomplish nothing productive in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21167" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T15:17:55.893" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17884" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-23T15:28:48.097" Score="45" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You spoiled your own enjoyment and the enjoyment of the other family by creating conflict.&lt;/strong&gt; The only sure way to keep everyone happy is to simply not engage. That gives you essentially 2 options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Go straight to an attendant who can handle the situation for you.&lt;/strong&gt; Don't tell the family you disapprove, and don't let them see that it was you who got the attendant. Just be nice to them, get up and find an attendant, and get a drink of water while they chat with the interlopers. Return to your seat when it is resolved. They might feel a little embarrassed, but you wont be involved and it won't be as bad for them since they are less likely to fight about it with someone in a position of authority.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just let it go.&lt;/strong&gt; You still have good seats and you went to the theater knowing full well that someone else could have legitimately purchased the seats in front of you. It isn't your job to enforce the rules. Be happy for them for getting nicer seats than they paid for. Maybe be a bit envious. Then move on and enjoy the show.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I volunteered at a local summer theater throughout high school, both as a bouncer and an usher. I can tell you that I would much rather take care of a problem like this myself than have the guests make a scene. It makes things bad for more than those involved, souring the mood for everyone around them. Also, we have seen many people take a free upgrade on their seats after intermission, and we would only ask people to move back if we could see the people around them looked annoyed. It happens, it's not the end of the world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And what do I do if these people make quietly flagging the attendant&#xA;  without engaging impossible by asking whether the seats are free?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You shrug.&lt;/strong&gt; You can still walk away from this situation without engaging. This is my go-to method of diffusing combative people - it essentially says &quot;I'm not willing to be part on this discussion. You may be right or wrong, but I'm not going to talk about it.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In the Netherlands, it's perfectly acceptable (and even expected) to&#xA;  point out to people that they're breaking a rule and inconveniencing&#xA;  you, before getting any authorities involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some Googling, I see that it is common practice in some parts of the Netherlands to participate in public, vocal social policing. I want to point out that social policing clearly did not have a happy ending in this particular situation (not to comment on its practice at large). I suspect this has to do with the nature of the activity you were participating in. You were there to relax and have a good time, so getting involved in an argument of any kind is going to spoil things a bit. Where I come from, we have a saying to describe this, though it is a little crass: &lt;em&gt;Peeing in the pool.&lt;/em&gt; It means you fouled the atmosphere you are supposed to be enjoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for getting an authority to take care of it for you, even in the Netherlands, sometimes the authorities will react before a &quot;civilian&quot; will. My reason for telling you to get a drink while the attendant was talking to the rule-breakers was to remove you from suspicion of tattling. That will prevent people from giving you stink-eye or even creating more conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2018-08-30T15:29:51.023" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T15:29:51.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-23T15:36:23.320" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've worked for doctors and answered the phone.  We don't need all the details, but we need to know you are having wrist pain or what.  We don't mindlessly fill in slots.  Even your hairdresser needs to know if you are getting a a dry cut, cut and color, wedding hairstyle, or what!  We have to make sure you are seeing the wrist doctor, not the back doctor.  I have literally had to pull information out a caller, only to find out that the &quot;back&quot; problem she wanted an appt for was actually for hemorrhoids!  She was about to wait up to 2 hours to see an orthopedic surgeon instead of a proctologist!  I don't know what you know, so a few questions are important.  Even if you are seeing the right doctor, there are certain conditions that take longer, like back pain, so we have to make sure we only have 2 backs on the whole day.  Gotta know.  It's not that we want to know - it's the doctors' rules and it's part of scheduling.  What we don't need is a lot of extra information we didn't ask for, because we probably have 6 other callers waiting.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21168" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T15:36:23.320" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17862" CreationDate="2018-08-23T16:38:20.680" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like the people wouldn't go to see the event if they couldn't make visiting you part of the trip.  Which is to say, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are as important to them as the &lt;em&gt;sporting event&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no reason to mask your lack of interest in the sport:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To be honest, you're better off asking someone else &lt;strong&gt;because I really couldn't care less about (the sport).&lt;/strong&gt;  It's just not my thing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(For example,  every year in San Diego there is a well-known convention called &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.comic-con.org/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Comic-Con&lt;/a&gt;.  This is one of the largest conventions in the world, with hundreds of thousands of visitors, hundreds of booths and exhibitions, talks from major film studios, and usually more than a few celebrity appearances.  In all the years I've lived here, &lt;em&gt;I have never gone&lt;/em&gt;.  I hear it's fun, but I have no interest.  If people ask me if they should go, I tell them pretty much what I wrote above: &lt;em&gt;&quot;It's just not my thing.  You should ask someone who does go.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, this response may be a disappointment if the wanted to invite you to see the event with them.  If that's the case, you can proactively address it by offering an alternative:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But that doesn't mean you shouldn't come here to see it.  I've heard it's quite exciting.  &lt;strong&gt;We can always make plans to meet at (location/activity) afterward.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T00:46:57.573" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T00:46:57.573" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T16:45:46.787" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like sports, I'm not in touch with the current affairs, I don't have any opinion on most things and I don't know about most of the things that people talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very much like you in that regard, and I have friends who used to make comments expressing how surprised they are that I know so little about something they care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though the suggested responses are by no means bad, I find a lot of them to be excessively logical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't even need to defend yourself with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not possible for a single person to know everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine how boring the world would be if everyone had the same interests and the same tastes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just own it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Oh my god, how do you not know that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I just don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: You don't know what that is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Nope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: How on Earth do you not know this? Everyone knows this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Well I don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's how I tend to handle it - perhaps it's too blunt for your taste. If they persist with the comments, just hold your ground:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person: Wait, you really don't know about that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: No, I really don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's something that you're interested in learning more about, then of course you can follow up &amp;quot;Nope&amp;quot; with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't care about it, try just leaving it at &amp;quot;Nope&amp;quot; and see what happens. My friends have since stopped with their comments after having noticed that I don't care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7440" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T16:50:20.833" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17862" CreationDate="2018-08-23T16:53:10.770" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As with most situations of this nature, simple communication is probably best, but you are already doing that, as you posted: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When someone asks for info or if I'm interested, I don't mention these&#xA;  inconveniences, nor say anything hurtful or extreme; just that it's&#xA;  not my cup of tea, but they ought to check out web sites or Facebook&#xA;  groups for people that might be. I'm always still happy to catch up&#xA;  with them in person if they come visit though, and the city has plenty&#xA;  to offer besides hosting these events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There does not appear to be any deception by these comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are discouraged by your lack of interest, that is out of your control. Should &lt;em&gt;THEY&lt;/em&gt; choose to change their plans, that is &lt;em&gt;THEIR&lt;/em&gt; choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20645" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T16:53:10.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17852" CreationDate="2018-08-23T17:27:43.777" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best way to address this issue is to talk to your friend candidly in a private setting. You, or maybe you and one of your other friends, should initiate a conversation. I wouldn't suggest having the conversation with many more people, because then L might feel ganged up on and react accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could start the conversation off with something like this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Recently, I (we) have noticed that you act very differently when we're hanging out around girls. For example, last weekend  you were incessantly teasing me about being thin. While I don't mind an occasional joke, it was annoying that you wouldn't let up on it. Additionally, when we weren't paying attention to you, you kept trying to show us memes, even though we were talking about something else.  Have you noticed this behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give him a chance to respond. You may gain some insight into why he's acting like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to affirm his friendship:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We enjoy hanging out with you, and you're usually pretty chill. You're just hard to be around when you're acting out, and we'd really appreciate if you stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going forward, positively reinforce his behavior by affirming when his behavior improves, and gently call him out on it if the annoying behavior persists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T17:27:43.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T17:53:58.023" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're dealing with people who are bored. Boredom, I was told by my therapist, comes from being unable to make an emotional connection to one's environment. So, they artificially whip up emotions: they take something trivial and talk about it using words that stir up emotions in themselves and the people around them. By doing so, they temporarily feel emotionally connected again -- until the effect wears off, of course. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO, a lot of this behavior is copied from television. Scenes in television series are shorter and shorter, less than a minute, I believe, and every scene needs to make an emotional hit with the audience in some way. What you describe, is the cheap and easy way of doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are various tactics for stirring up emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Referring to matters of life and death. &quot;You've never had xyz ice cream? OMG, how can you &lt;em&gt;live&lt;/em&gt; without xyz ice cream?! I would &lt;em&gt;die&lt;/em&gt; if I ...&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Referring to inclusion or exclusion from a group. That's your own example &quot;You don't know xyz? Don't call yourself a man&quot;.  &quot;You wear a xyz shirt? You must be an yyz'er!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Referring to status. &quot;Wow, I used to think you were xyz but now you've totally blown it -- what a let-down. Hey guys, did you hear ...&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are simple tactics, all harping on the need that all people have to belong to a group for survival. But because they appeal directly to our most basic fears, it is practically impossible to not be affected by them, to not feel that momentary existential panic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you stand up for yourself? First of all, ground yourself -- to stand, you need to feel the ground under your feet, literally. You may feel like the ground has dropped from under you because you don't know xyz, but if you check, you'll find that the earth is still very much there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, remember that it's just a tactic, a game, if you will. Allow some silence to fall while you regain your feet and then determine your tactic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can play along: &quot;You're right! Tell me now, I beg you, I need to feel good about myself again!&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can be emphatic: &quot;You seem very passionate about this, tell me why.&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can be sceptic: &quot;Really? It's that important, is it?&quot;. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or you may even be adult: &quot;Calm yourself, please. If it really is important, I'll look it up later -- or did you just want the attention?&quot; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8908" LastEditorUserId="8908" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T18:26:54.563" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T18:26:54.563" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17894" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-23T17:54:28.380" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;For even lightly insecure people, a gym is a &lt;em&gt;very intimidating&lt;/em&gt; place.  Unless she want's to go herself and has expressed such a desire, you're unlikely to convince her to go straight to the gym.  Been there, believe me ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're better off asking her to join you on your outside routines first, walking, biking, etc.  Then start preparing some of the meals on your plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, try some of your workouts at home.  All you need is a few dumbbells or resistance bands.  You can ask her to spot you then....try it herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When exercising isn't scary, the gym isn't too scary either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21180" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T17:54:28.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T18:01:01.450" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a lot of good suggestions here, and I'll try to add to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I normally say is that I spend my time doing other things, as mentioned by someone else.   I usually mention what it is right away, or, if I feel they might ask, let them ask.  I also usually mention the most interesting and &quot;off the wall&quot; thing I've done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: &quot;You don't know who {XYZ sports star} is?  What's the matter with you?!&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Me: &quot;I spend my time doing other things, like building my 4 ft by 8 ft capacity CNC mill.&quot; *&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: &quot;What the {bleep} is a CNC mill?&quot; - or - &quot;You did what?!?!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Topic has changed from my perceived ignorance and I show them that even though I lack some information, I have a whole storehouse of information they've possibly never even considered.  If they are really rude and refuse to acknowledge that what I do is even slightly interesting, I make sure not to be around them anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Life is too short to spend time on people who don't like you and you don't like.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how rude they are being when they make that first statement, I'll use an alternate to &quot;other&quot;, such as: better, more interesting, more useful, or a variety of other terms that make their topic seem as insignificant as they currently see me.  If I know the person and realize it's just an outburst, I'll leave it as &quot;other&quot;, but if it's some obviously moronic idiot that sneers at anyone who isn't him, I'll lay it on real thick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As always, just make sure that you are telling the truth and not backing yourself into a corner by talking about something you don't know anything about or can easily be proven you didn't do.  You might also want to have proof of your claim (pics, website, etc.), so that when/if they ask for it, they can see it for themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not-Me: &quot;I'm the first person to visit Mars and Saturn, and I think your sportsball is almost good enough to be played by drunken, below average IQ siminans.  Oh, right, that's you!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As amusing as that might be, the first part is obviously not true and will reduce your credibility to less than zero, which means that when you get beat up for the rest, no one will really care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Caution&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't overdo it.  This may be perceived as you stealing the show.  Even if it's something spectacular, like winning a Nobel Peace Prize, play it down a little and try to blend back into the normal conversation.  If people are truly interested, they will prompt you to keep the conversation going as is, rather than you pushing it on them, even if all you're trying to do is drown out that first person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After your first few comments about your achievement(s), you can try steering the conversation back where it ended, right before that initial outburst derailed everything.  After a 1-2 minutes (or maybe just 30 seconds) of &quot;defending your honor&quot;, you can (or should) let it go and get back to what everyone else was doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, you've either corrected the initial insult and should let it go, or you'll be insulted again and know to steer clear of that person in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't always mind getting into arguments, so take my suggestion with a grain of salt.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it causes more problems.  Regardless, &quot;Keep calm and carry on.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;* Yes, I really did build a 4'x8' capacity CNC mill.  &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.EricsGear.com&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.EricsGear.com&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3616" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T18:01:01.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T18:41:03.647" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to examine the reasoning of your colleagues in these situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, these kinds of &quot;how can you not know?!&quot; responses usually happen because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This person has had this kind of thing happen to them before, and so are happy to be on the knowing side&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is something this person believes is common knowledge or cares deeply about and in their shock of you not knowing have replied with (what they believe to be) a half humorous remark&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Any combination of the above&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My choice response is to take it in stride. Getting (visibly) self conscious or trying to retaliate with sarcasm will give the first kind of person the satisfaction of making you uncomfortable and will prevent the second kind of person from wanting to explain to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd ignore their questions of &quot;do you live under a rock?!&quot; or &quot;how can you not know...?!&quot; and opt for a good natured laugh and something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You'd better fill me in quick then before anyone else finds out!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key here is that you're not letting yourself get tripped up by their response. You don't know something. Is it your fault that the environment you've been in didn't give you a chance to learn this information? Or that you're simply not interested in the subject? Not at all! So don't fret it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T18:41:03.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17898" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17902" CreationDate="2018-08-23T19:18:19.577" Score="9" ViewCount="5035" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who has been pouring his heart &amp;amp; soul into starting a rap career for the past 3 or 4 years. One day while hanging out with him at his flat, he plays me some of his new music from his SoundCloud. I was horrified to learn that over these years he hasn't improved his skills at all. It was utter trash. I wanted to tell him I didn't like it. But more importantly, I wanted to articulate &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; it was bad so that he might improve. I, however, didn't have the heart to say it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell him his music sucks in the most constructive way possible while minimizing resentment/hurt feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; an avid fan of rap, particularly &quot;SoundCloud rap&quot; so I do feel &quot;qualified&quot; to give some feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2076" LastEditorUserId="2076" LastEditDate="2018-08-23T20:10:45.330" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T23:23:13.883" Title="How to tell a friend their music is awful?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T19:19:58.330" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on your post, here's what I think is happening:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You open up to let a person relate to you, but then they mention a subject you're not familiar with and a couple of things happen...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You respond with a no I don't know, which makes the other person feel like they are no longer relating to you leading to them passing judgement.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They don't know you as well as you've described yourself here, so they don't know what you're into.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thereby, the solution is to immediately state that you're not into whatever they're bringing up.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey did you see that latest movie?&quot; &#xA;Nope, don't care about movies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Did you catch the game last night?&quot;&#xA;Nah, I'm not into T sport.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you're stating WHY you don't know, which will most likely get you a lot further than straight out denial of the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3639" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T19:19:58.330" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17900" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17898" CreationDate="2018-08-23T19:34:20.740" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What do you see as the benefits of telling your friend that you don't like his music?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I wouldn't recommend giving him this feedback unless he explicitly asks for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do insist on telling him, I would recommend that you do so kindly, and establish that you are giving him this feedback with the purpose of helping him improve. Tell him specific things that you don't like, and offer concrete ways for him to improve. I wouldn't tell him that you don't think he's improved at all in the last couple years. You might include examples of other rappers/rap music that you think he should emulate. I would also recommend including compliments about the aspects of his music that you do like, to soften the blow. Emphasize that you value his friendship and want the best for him and his music career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also remember that music taste has a lot to do with personal preference. Your friend might like his music just fine as is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T19:34:20.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17901" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17898" CreationDate="2018-08-23T19:34:21.877" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is there a reason for you to tell him? In my experience, unless you've been asked for honest feedback, there will be no positive effects from telling him his music sucks. You can encourage him to seek feedback (music teachers, online forums...), but don't offer it unsolicited unless you want to risk damaging your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he does ask you for honest feedback, focus on specific things he can improve. Is it the lyrics that need work? The delivery? The music? Offer suggestions for how to improve the specific aspect you criticize. Don't outright tell him that he sucks. Be constructive, and don't criticize more than one or two things each time he asks for honest feedback. And, however much he sucks, find at least one good thing to comment on each time. Maybe his vocals are very clear? There's a specific line or two of lyrics that's clever? However small the good thing is, if you mention it then the rest of the feedback will be better received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3844" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T19:34:21.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17902" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17898" CreationDate="2018-08-23T19:43:23.063" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR: You shouldn't&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;From a friendship standpoint:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he showed you his music because he's proud of it, then your job as a friend is to support him. Tearing him down by saying his music sucks will not only damage his confidence and drive that is so vital to a musician, but also potentially damage the friendship. Sure, his music may be unpleasant to listen to, and you may really dislike it, but he felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable enough to show you his creation. I don't see any benefit that either of you get from you saying his music is bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;From a critical standpoint:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he showed you his music, and explicitly asked for constructive criticism, then that gives you full right to critically comment on his work. However, you should focus on providing constructive pointers along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I really like your flow in this verse, but you seem to be relying on triplet beats (something common in trap/SoundCloud rap). But you have good lyrical ideas!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Your beat has this super dark feeling to it, which really compliments the song's theme. It feels somewhat repetitive though at times, perhaps a key change or bridge section would improve the track.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a genre perspective, you could even suggest that he experiments with new sounds and styles outside of SoundCloud rap. Currently, the trap and SoundCloud subgenres seem to be really saturated with similar-sounding artists. He may even stand out to others more if he incorporates other styles into his music.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that you actually listened and internalized his music, and provided thoughtful and supportive feedback. Even if he doesn't heed your advice, he still will value that you, his friend, care enough about him to partake in his creative endeavors. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, music and music taste is so incredibly subjective, and you being an avid music fan probably understand this. What &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; may think is trash, may not be what &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; thinks is trash. You purely saying to him, &quot;Your music sucks&quot;, &quot;Your lyrics are garbage&quot;, &quot;Your beats are trash&quot;, etc. can be easily dismissed by him with &quot;Well, that's your opinion&quot;, &quot;You're just a hater&quot;, &quot;Fine, then &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; write your own music&quot;, etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To summarize, your friend will internalize better and benefit from the constructive criticism. If you truly want your opinion to come across well, this will be the better approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sidenote:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been playing guitar for about 15 years now, and understand how long it takes to hone a craft. Three to four years into my music career, I was playing &lt;strong&gt;badly&lt;/strong&gt;. Now, I crave the advice and feedback from fellow musicians as that'll only help me improve, but the support from friends and family early on was &lt;strong&gt;crucial&lt;/strong&gt; to me. Knowing my friends were in my corner supporting me helped me &lt;strong&gt;want&lt;/strong&gt; to grow and improve as a musician. Who knows, maybe someday your friend will become a really skilled rapper, or even famous? However, he won't get there with you constantly putting him down, and if he does, surely that bridge will be burned along the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1905" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T19:43:23.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-23T21:25:12.253" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My short answer to your question is the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/17889/6628&quot;&gt;same as &lt;em&gt;@pushkin&lt;/em&gt;'s&lt;/a&gt;: just own it. You are who you are, and it's your job to be happy with that, not anyone else's. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many years ago, when I was a young man, a friend's three-year-old girl once taught me a valuable lesson. I had done something that she didn't like, picking her up and putting her in a car when she didn't want to go. When she was finished with three-year-old tantrum, she looked at me balefully and said &quot;I don't like you any more.&quot; I just smiled at her and said &quot;That's ok, you will later.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The valuable lesson was that I realized that I am the one who decides whether someone was &quot;attacking&quot; me or not. The best way to keep someone from &quot;pushing your buttons&quot; is not to have any! So, if you find yourself annoyed by criticism that someone levels at you, dig down, figure out &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; why and change your mind about it. It isn't what they say that upsets you, it's how you feel about it. And nobody can &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; you feel anything. You have to choose to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that others are judging you, then you're judging them as judgmental, too. If you perceive a judgment, you're making one. And none of us is qualified to make judgments. If we were, then all of us would know what the &quot;truth&quot; is, and nobody would argue about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, respond or not, out of love rather than fear. Just how you do that is your decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20436" LastEditorUserId="20436" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T06:42:41.583" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T06:42:41.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17905" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-23T21:38:36.927" Score="4" ViewCount="986" Body="&lt;p&gt;I moved homes a few months ago. I’m living with roommates: 1 couple and the landlady. I’m not sure if the landlady is currently living in the home as I haven’t seen her for several weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This morning I received an upset email from the landlady about me cooking and making noise after midnight. Given my work schedule (and other factors) I am up latter than what’s considered normal. I thought I was being quiet and am sorry I have disturbed the other roommates and would like to solve the problem in an agreeable way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There’s a few things I'm having trouble navigating&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1)  I have trouble communicating with the other roommates. They are extremely non-direct and sometimes when I’m speaking to them they quickly say their sentence and walk away before I can reply. They also haven’t done things I’ve requested of them like dry their hands before touching a door knob so it’s not wet for the next person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2)  It seems the landlord and the other roommates feel they can arbitrarily make rules for me. We had agreed to a signed lease which says I pay money to use this as my home and I really don’t appreciate extra rules being added on top. I would really appreciate if they phrase these things as requests or negotiations instead of orders. Another example includes the landlady was unplugging an appliance of mine because she doesn’t like it left plugged in (even when turned off). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The email stated &quot;your roommates have talked to you about cooking and making noise after midnight yet you continue to do that&quot;. First off, they didn’t talk to me. Second, they don’t get to decide when I cook. I know midnight is late but they are up themselves cooking until midnight so part of the thing is I have to wait until they’re done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I reply to this? My goal is to keep doing what I’m doing without having people try to impose additional rules and get mad at me when I’m not following them. Should I tell the landlady that the couple isn’t making an effort to communicate? Knowing what specifically is making noise would help because if it’s something like opening the fridge door then using a mini fridge might help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does one necessarily take priority: not talking to me vs I wouldn't have agreed to it even if he did? Or are these two separate issues that should be individually addressed? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19971" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T21:57:33.577" Title="Roommates complained to landlord before talking to me" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17905" CreationDate="2018-08-23T21:53:10.740" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a pretty good track record of getting along with roomates for almost a decade and I always found the key is to be brief, to the point, and unemotional. You do not want to start mixing issues together (eg the hand-drying thing mixed with the noise after midnight thing). Focus on each issue individually and only ever address one at a time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case I would respond to the landlady with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Thank you for bringing this to my attention. This is the first I am hearing about this issue. I will make an&#xA;effort to be as quiet as possible when I need to cook at night in the&#xA;future&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks again, refbobby&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This communicates that you did not know about the problem, will endeavour to resolve it, but will not be told when you can or cannot use facilities in your home. If you need to cook after midnight, you are cooking after midnight, people have to eat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to address the situation with your other roomates (which is optional), I would say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry if I was too noisy in the kitchen while cooking, in the future, if I'm too loud, you can let me know right away and I'll do my best to quiet down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This invites them to communicate with you first before escalating to the landlady, and it gives them an incentive, which is that you might be able to fix the problem instantly next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4557" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T21:53:10.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17905" CreationDate="2018-08-23T21:57:33.577" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a former RA, I've seen my fair share of roommate conflicts, and this sounds pretty familiar. I once had a roommate who left post-it note complaints on my door instead of talking to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would respond to your landlady and inform her that you will discuss the issue directly with your other roommates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, schedule a sit down meeting with the couple. Inform them that you don't appreciate them going to the landlady instead of addressing you directly: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We're all adults, and we should handle our disagreements as such. If you have a problem with me, please address me directly. There's no need for passive aggressive behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, address the cooking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand your frustration about me cooking at midnight, but it's what my schedule allows for. I will do my best to be quieter. Also, part of the reason that I have to cook so late is because I have to wait for you to finish cooking. Would you consider cooking earlier, or letting me use the kitchen while you're cooking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the other issues you've been having with all three of your roommates, I would recommend addressing those as well. Schedule an in person meeting, or send a group email since your landlady hasn't been home. Remind them about the doorknob and the appliances respectfully and directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your roommates' inability to properly communicate in person persists, I would recommend starting a group message so that communication is direct, and there's a record of it.  Going forward, you also might want to consider adopting the 2 day rule with your roommates - if something is bothering you, but not enough for you to address it within 2 days, you must drop it, because clearly it didn't bother you enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T21:57:33.577" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17908" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17911" CreationDate="2018-08-23T22:39:37.927" Score="2" ViewCount="926" Body="&lt;p&gt;I moved into a shared house where the landlord lives with us and is one of the roommates. She had some dogs that wouldn't stop barking. Generally speaking communication has not been good but for whatever reason the dogs were not in the home for about a month. Now they're back. The barking is so excessive I believe it may be illegal as it's a form of noise pollution and prevents people from quiet enjoyment. I just had a phone interview right when she brought them in the house and it really screwed me up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She makes no effort to control the dogs and they bark for minutes on end and during the night and day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been surprised when I hear barking and the dogs don't stop I assume no one is in the room to tell them to be quiet and I walk into see the owner sitting right there doing nothing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I do? Should I tell her this is illegal or should I complain to the city right away? Is it fair if I ask her to communicate if/when the dogs are staying in the house? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19971" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T04:41:53.863" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T04:41:53.863" Title="Roommate's dogs won't stop barking" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-08-24T08:58:37.277" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-23T22:51:33.610" Score="5" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Ask her out for ice cream!&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might sound flippant, but I'm not kidding. Point in case:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A few friends and I decided we'd do park runs together on a weekly basis... we went once.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A few friends and I decided we'd do breakfast together on a weekly basis, but do a park run first. Some of us have cleared 50 runs and are well on our way to 100; the others keep forgetting their bar codes (so the runs don't count). We run as a group chatting mostly supporting the slowest (after all the fittest can handle running for longer). If the route repeats whoever is tired can opt to skip the second round, but it happens rarely.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the above is written quite tongue in cheek it is quite true and the rationale is actually quite solid. No one wants to go do a negative activity, but everyone one wants to do a positive one; more so after doing a negative one. So ask her if she'd like to do something fun, but mention that there is a caveat, namely before you do the fun thing you have to do some form of exercise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was a really good talk by Dan Arielly (a psychologist/economist) on how to motivate someone to do something they don't want to; in it he talks about how he motivated taking some form of medication that messed you up for the evening. I can't find it now, but it boils down to do something fun after doing something less so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider both her and your point of view, would you prefer going to some gym or would you prefer a jog to the nearby coffee shop for a chat about your day and a big ol' piece of cake?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;*Update :&lt;/strong&gt; It, would appear that I hadn't explicitly tackled the insecurities of the girlfriend in my response, and this was deliberate. The implication I was aiming for in my answer was that by asking her to do something positive with you it indicates your interest in getting to know her, it improves the relationship, and bypasses her connotations associated with the gym. Saying &quot;Let's have ice cream&quot; bypasses any concerns about her/your physique. Saying let's exercise beforehand sets a challenge you both must complete to get a treat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It turns the whole thing around from &quot;I think you're a plump little duck let's hang out with mechanical devices and strangers to change that&quot; to &quot;Hey!! Fun idea, let's waddle to the pond and watch the willows and reeds sway in the wind as the sun sets&quot;. That is, let us do something crappy, hard and really miserable, but celebrate out accomplishments together afterwards, heck knows I need it, but I sure don't want to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, the gym may be your end goal, but it does not mean it's hers. Taking it easy at first with some alternative activity lets you surreptitiously ease into an exercise routine and before you know it she gets keen on the fitness thing and asks if you'd consider gym after a few weeks.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21188" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2018-08-25T11:38:47.763" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T11:38:47.763" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17908" CreationDate="2018-08-23T23:30:07.887" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't recommend complaining to the city right away, this level of escalation will probably result in more conflict. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, communicate to your roommate that the barking dogs are annoying you. Explain how the noise is getting in the way of you doing your work, getting sleep, etc.  Bring up the phone interview as a concrete example of how the dogs are affecting you. I think it's fair to ask for her to notify you when the dogs will be staying in the house. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also want to look in your contract to see if there are any agreements about pets or noise. Of course, I am not a lawyer and this isn't a law site, so you would need to contact someone with more expertise were you to go the legal route. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, in your other post you mention having two other roommates. Are they also bothered by the noise? Would they talk to your other roommate with you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-23T23:30:07.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17740" CreationDate="2018-08-24T01:36:18.963" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Imagine you fly to France and go to an ordinary restaurant with the same friends. At the end of the meal, your friends insist that you go help wash the dishes in the kitchen because &quot;that's the tradition&quot; in their country. When inquiring whether or not this is a legal responsibility of yours they answer no, but insist that you must follow the &quot;local customs&quot;. Likewise they fail to explain why the restaurant can't just raise their prices to hire a dishwasher instead of annoying their customers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's exactly how your friends feel. They've eaten their meal, paid their check, and legally speaking they are free to get up and leave the restaurant. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-qV9wVGb38&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Why should they pay extra&lt;/a&gt;? There is no logical explanation you could possibly offer as its an illogical practice in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your next actions depend on how good of a friend you are to your company:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If these are mere acquaintances and you're not sure how they would react, come back to the restaurant under the guise of forgetting something and slip the tip into the check folder. If the waiter has already picked it up, give it to them in person.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If these are your friends or family, give them the dishwashing analogy above (or an equivalent one) and laugh it off as an absurd American tradition. After acknowledging it as such, openly leave a tip and insist that its a thank you for them paying for your meal. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9110" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T01:36:18.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17914" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-24T06:42:55.090" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;So there's multiple things going on here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The family is taking vacant seats that don't belong to them.&lt;/strong&gt; This on its own is not the end of the world, as long as those seats are actually empty. How big of a deal this actually is depends on the theater and their policies. The family might shrug this off as &quot;well they're the same seats and they're vacant, so who cares?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The family is taking better seats.&lt;/strong&gt; This is the real kicker. They are getting themselves a free upgrade. The theater will most likely take issue with this. The family &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; at this point offer to upgrade their tickets, but given their attitude this is unlikely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The family is taking seats in front of you.&lt;/strong&gt; This on its own is a non-issue. It's not their problem, it's not the theater's problem. You booked the seats you paid for. Just because they were vacant at the time of booking, that doesn't mean they will stay vacant. Now of course the family didn't pay for them, but that doesn't make this grievance valid from their point of view. The family will just brush this away. &quot;They're seats, they can be sat on, you didn't pay for them to be empty, so who cares?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's relevant how these individual issues are seen by them, because it will influence the reaction. If you point out issue number 2, it's a lot harder to turn that into an ad hominem fight than number 3. Number 3 really is an issue that's just an issue for you (or your mother), the rest of the world isn't inclined to care about that in isolation. So bringing that up weakens the entire message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, these seats aren't taken. And no, they will not be taken either. &lt;strong&gt;We booked our seats this way, so no one would be in front of us.&lt;/strong&gt; I clearly overheard your daughter telling you that you booked seats about five rows further back, so please go to the seats assigned to you on your ticket, or I will go and fetch an attendant to remind you where they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two things here: Too much about 3, too little about 2. Number 2 is the thing that actually sticks. They didn't pay for those seats, their other ticket doesn't count because the prices are different. If they were seats from the same rank, they could just brush it away saying &quot;I got a ticket right?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that they might not have been aware that those seats actually were a different rank. You did not point that out, for it's entirely possible they were hearing issues number 1 and 3, weak and irrelevant respectively, while you could have focused on number 2. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point out that those seats are more expensive and use that to direct them to their own seats. Leave your own expectations out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;or I will go and fetch an attendant to remind you where they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is extremely condescending. They know where their seats are. They sat on them before the break. Just say &lt;code&gt;or I will go and fetch an attendant.&lt;/code&gt; and leave the hostilities out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One final note, if you want to ensure the seats before you are vacant, buy them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T06:42:55.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17915" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17924" CreationDate="2018-08-24T08:05:57.287" Score="46" ViewCount="14672" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other day, I was in a company meal with ~20 coworkers and someone offered me wine before adding: &amp;quot;At least you know this is vegan.&amp;quot; (because I'm vegan). I don't like alcohol so I politely refused before adding &lt;em&gt;with a smile&lt;/em&gt;: &amp;quot;In fact, not all wines are vegan&amp;quot; (which is &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finings&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;true&lt;/a&gt;). After that, all of my colleagues started to laugh at me like I was some kind of silly person who didn't know what she was talking about. &lt;strong&gt;And even after I try explaining myself, they still didn't believe me&lt;/strong&gt; (because I was unable to give details).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm the youngest person at my company, I look very young (I'm 23 but people regularly assume that I'm under 18), I'm a woman, I have been working there for three years and I'm like a student doing an internship (it's an simplification, my actual status is &amp;quot;étudiante en alternance&amp;quot; which mean I spend half my time in school and the other half at work; Kevin mentioned that it's called &amp;quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooperative_education&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;co-op&lt;/a&gt;&amp;quot; in the U.S., and eggyal added that it's a “placement” in the U.K.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I tried&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After my colleagues started laughing, I tried to explain to them that it was true and that during the process of fabrication, products of animal origin were used. They started pressing me with questions. Unfortunately, I didn't know much about what animal products were used, when and why (since I don't drink alcohol, I didn't care about the details). So, I tried to answer their questions but told them that I didn't know much about the subject and suggested that they find out on their own (implied: instead of asking me questions I couldn't/was not qualified to answer). My phone can't go on internet and they didn't care to google it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I'm vegan/vegetarian, I have to deal with this behavior a lot (this is just the most recent example). Normally, saying something like &amp;quot;I read that...&amp;quot; people are fine with, but when it comes to veganism, they aren't anymore. As a result, I try to learn every fact about veganism by heart so that I would be able to defend myself when someone is trying to ridicule my vegan commitment. But I'm only human and this is hard. Plus, turning myself into a human Wikipedia isn't really my dream.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I convey to my coworkers that: I don't know the details, they can look it up themselves (so they don't have to blindly trust me) but, please, stop assuming that this cannot be true and that I'm silly/stupid/whatever?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More important, how do I make them stop laughing at me? (I cannot control what they think but it would be nice if they didn't express it that clearly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Note and clarification&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not good at human interaction and the only real social life I have is with my extended family (a big one, but still). Also, I hate conflict so, please, do not answer with a conflict-oriented solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There were 20 people there: some with whom I take my coffee breaks and that I like; some with whom I work in my day to day life and with whom I eat everyday; my direct boss (N+1) with whom I really don't get along (he is sexist, among other things); the big boss who likes me but doesn't like my N+1; and others. None of them were vegan/vegetarian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I responded because they were talking to me and they said something false. I know a lot people think I should not have said anything, but leaving someone with a false belief seemed (and still seems) wrong to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Strong emphasis:&lt;/strong&gt; The argument wasn't about me being vegan/not drinking wine. It was about them note believing my statement (&amp;quot;not all wines are vegan&amp;quot;) which I couldn't backup with precise and complete details (just a vague &amp;quot;animal products are used during the manufacturing process&amp;quot;). Details that they &lt;em&gt;asked for&lt;/em&gt;. And since I didn't had enough details, they were laughing in disbelief while not carrying enough to fact-check.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T09:55:12.617" Title="How to explain to coworkers that being vegan does not mean I know everything about it?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;" AnswerCount="16" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T08:55:31.793" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think by immediately trying to explain yourself, you are already putting yourself into a defensive position. While this is an understandable reaction (they are laughing at you, after all), it is unlikely to improve the situation for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I would suggest putting &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt; on the defensive by making &lt;strong&gt;them&lt;/strong&gt; justify themselves (or rather: their behaviour). This can be achieved by politely asking something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did I say something funny? / May I ask what's supposed to be funny about that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may not always work, especially when dealing with a large group of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do go for the explanation yourself (animal products being used in some production processes), I would leave it at that superficial explanation. You can block further questions with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The exact details are just as irrelevant to me as the exact details of the leather production process, so I don't memorize them. The research is fairly easy, though, so if you're really interested, I'm sure you will be able to find out by yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it clear that you have done the research, and also gives a plausible reason why they cannot reasonably assume you can tell them all about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would avoid discussing the details. This just opens you up for (further) attack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17002" LastEditorUserId="17002" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T09:13:27.137" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T09:13:27.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17919" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T09:50:41.097" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When talking to Non-vegetarians, try to imagine yourself in their shoes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are fruitarians, vegans, vegetarians, people who only eat certain animals (like pesco-vegetarians), etc. To some omnivores this can get a little bit confusing, especially since they don´t really share the values (or else they would be vegetarians themselves) and also some don´t really care. All they notice is that somebody is demanding extra-treatment. Also, some of them tend to feel guilt-tripped if you start to talk about vegetarianism-related topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you want to avoid any conflict, try not to give any information that is not needed / asked for. In your example, you could have just politely refused the wine, without giving any reason. That way you offer much less &quot;attack surface&quot;. I guess the &quot;at least you know it´s vegan&quot; was already meant a little provocative, by starting to educate them you stepped right into the trap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, correcting people when they are wrong just tends to cause resistance. So if it is not essential to you, just let them hold their (wrong) believes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T11:59:11.890" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T11:59:11.890" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17920" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T10:03:45.663" Score="52" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure that you can get them to stop laughing.  What you might be able to do is to shift the meaning of the laughter.  Rather than say, &quot;Well, actually, not all wines are vegan&quot;, consider the following conversation:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Actually, even things made entirely from plants can be non-vegan if they are prepared with animal products.  And wine is on the list of things that one has to check.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when they laugh, say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know, right? What's the world coming to when you can't even rely on something made entirely from grapes being vegan?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know, right? What's the world coming to when a vegan can't even get a bloody drink?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't stop the laughter, but it may make it feel more like they are laughing with you rather than at you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might finish with a sorrowful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's a cruel, carnivorous world.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think that they will take that too as a joke.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this particular incident, you came off as a bit of a know-it-all because you rejected their joke. It's a conditioned response to broach rejection with laughter. (This is a &lt;a href=&quot;https://sites.psu.edu/siowfa16/2016/11/30/why-do-we-laugh-in-uncomfortable-situations/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;coping response in social psychology&lt;/a&gt; to diffuse awkward situations.) If you had instead just said...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Even so, I don't want a drink right now.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wouldn't have started down that path.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While your statement was true, it wasn't really responsive to the real question asked--if you wanted a drink. Since you didn't, vegan or not, you probably should have focused on the not wanting a drink.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do engage (and in many other circumstances, you won't have much of a choice), try to be clear that you're not basing this on your own knowledge. Instead, it's about exterior knowledge.  If it is well known among vegans that one has to check even things that are obviously plant-based themselves, refer to that. My example implied there is a vegan's list of things that need to be checked--beyond the obvious.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T13:08:14.277" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T13:08:14.277" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T10:55:04.280" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you concern is being seen, and mocked, for being a know-it-all when you don't in fact know everything, then consider &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; you convey to people that you don't know everything.&#xA;For example in the situation you describe, if instead of saying &quot;Well, actually, not all wines are vegan&quot; you had said something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but no. It's not about whether this is a vegan wine though, I'm just not keen on how wine tastes to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you would have made the refusal about your &lt;em&gt;tastes&lt;/em&gt; rather than what they might perceive as a moral stand. &#xA;It might be worth you looking at &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/11739/9837&quot;&gt;this earlier question&lt;/a&gt; where someone was looking for ways to deflect difficult conversations when eating out, there are several answers which explore the degree to which some people can feel that other people's veganism is a judgement and/or criticism on their own habits. if you want to evangelise for veganism, chose your moments rather than trying to make every food or drink interaction into a teachable moment. It isn't your responsibility to correct every misapprehension about animal products you hear, and if you do try to always correct people when they are in error, they might start to see you as a know-it-all and laugh at you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You would have raised the existence of vegan wines, (not about whether this is a vegan wine) but just in passing rather than the quite confrontational 'Well, actually....' approach. If the person offering you wine picked up on that &lt;em&gt;and wanted to know more&lt;/em&gt; then they would have the opportunity to ask you what made some wine not vegan.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If someone does then ask you what can possibly make wines non-vegan you can make a very honest reply about the limits of your knowledge rather than feeling that you ought to have answers. Perhaps:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To be honest I've never really looked into the detail of it since I prefer (insert drink of preference). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then if they push it at all, expecting you to know you can try to keep it light with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey if I'd known you were going to expect me to run a seminar session I'd have done some research and brought a PowerPoint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or whatever would work well for your own sense of humour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are think that their opinions of you being a know-it-all on veganism are already formed, then you might want to watch out for those situations where you have previously gone into 'human wikipedia' mode and change the script. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is quite likely that some of your colleagues enjoy  what we call in the UK 'winding you up'. The phrase is an analogy to winding up the spring of a clockwork toy and then letting it run. They may ask you questions about veganism because its fun to watch you go into human wikipedia mode. If that's the case, you need to break that pattern, you can't directly stop them asking, but you can change how predicable your response is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Instead&lt;/em&gt; of reeling off information, try telling them that you have realised than endlessly giving them facts it isn't productive for you or for them. Tell them what you've told us, that you don't want to be a human encyclopedia so in future you are only going to make reference to these things if you need to know what is in something they are offering you to eat, or the ingredients on a menu if you are eating out together. You can confirm that you are always open to talk about your views &lt;em&gt;if anyone genuinely wants to know&lt;/em&gt; but that you'd appreciate that being one-on one rather than a situation where other people can pile on for their own entertainment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A strategy like this allows you to be up front about the limits of your knowledge and about your willingness to keep repeating yourself. There is always the risk that some of your colleagues so enjoy baiting you that they will just try harder for a while, but most people are likely to take the hint that the time for deliberately winding you up over veganism has now passed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T13:13:55.483" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T13:13:55.483" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T12:13:26.507" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like they laughed because you made your point about being vegan. Some people who have a belief or culture which isn't widely accepted will appear to be going on about it all the time - the vegan comment was a joke, and you took it as a personal attack.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It's a common belief or at least common joke in the UK, that vegans go on about being vegan _all the time_.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you'd simply responding 'No thanks', they might have made another joke of it &quot;Isn't it vegan enough for you?&quot; or they may have left it at that, if they were genuinely trying to ask if you wanted some wine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continued to joke, you can calmly tell them that you don't find it funny. If they continue still, it's time to think about if this is bullying and follow the appropriate processes (which will vary on your environment, work processes, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact you pointed out (in their minds &lt;strong&gt;yet again&lt;/strong&gt; that you are a vegan) is what turned this into a joke.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="387" LastEditorUserId="21303" LastEditDate="2018-08-27T14:46:31.437" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T14:46:31.437" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T12:49:59.703" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;Fellow vegan, so I know what this is like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often get colleagues offer foodstuffs that are non-vegan (such as cakes containing milk, egg etc) and confusing veganism with vegetarianism (to the point people seem to be on the verge of arguing the incorrect definitions).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, you need to stop worrying if people believe you or not, there will always be times, no matter how much evidence you have of anything, that a person won't believe you (or won't want to believe you). Don't stress too much about proving anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, to avoid friction along the lines of veganism, I usually offer a mainline reason for refusing &lt;em&gt;first&lt;/em&gt;, so in your case, if they offer you wine saying it's vegan, you might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't really like alcohol anyway, so it's okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always cite taste. They might try to convince you to try some, but you can simply refuse and say you've tried alcohol before and aren't interested. What you're doing here is changing the playing field to your opinion on the product.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, if someone offers a cake, rather than getting the anti-vegan lecture, I simply offer a similar line:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not particularly fond of cakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will accept the initial mainline reason. And it sidesteps the 'is it vegan?' question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, if there's a dispute over facts you're not sure about, you need to turn the discussion into one about your &lt;em&gt;feelings&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;opinions&lt;/em&gt; (because only you know how you think and feel, and they can't insist otherwise). So if they say 'wines are vegan', you might offer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not too sure about that, they could possibly use animal products in the process, I'd need to check (online) first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is even if you know it's not vegan, what you're doing is appealing to &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; lack of knowledge as well. Have they checked? Probably not. They might try to say 'well, it's only grapes' or 'it's only bread', to which you can say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Even so, I would still need to double-check online first, a lot of products can be surprisingly non-vegan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This emphases your requirement is to check online first before you can accept anything. If they're laughing at you at this stage for wanting to be sure in your beliefs, it might be a form of bullying and not healthy social situation. They wouldn't laugh if a Jewish person wanted to check if something was Kosher, so why would they laugh at you for wanting to check something is vegan?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also it might be worth adding a few side facts of things that sound like they should be vegan but aren't. Vegetable soups, sauces often contain milk, and certain types of sugar are dyed with cow bones, and if they laugh, you can tell them they can always check. : )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18052" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T13:22:18.467" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T13:22:18.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17898" CreationDate="2018-08-24T13:28:26.597" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way you answer boils down to your own level of &quot;expertise&quot; in music, particularly in this genre.  Are you an &lt;em&gt;aficionado&lt;/em&gt; who could give constructive feedback on how to improve the music, or (despite your avid fandom) are you still just an &lt;em&gt;dedicated listener&lt;/em&gt; who knows what you like, but can't really articulate why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, unfortunately, anything you say might be hurtful. There's no way around that when criticizing someone's artistic effort.  They may feel they poured their heart and soul into the work, and then you come along and shred it, or dismiss it thoughtlessly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's assume you know enough to give expert advice, and your goal is to help them understand what's doesn't work, so they can go back and make it work.  If that's the case, you might &quot;pre-frame&quot; the discussion by getting permission to be honest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let me ask you this:  Do you just want my approval, or are you looking for &lt;em&gt;serious&lt;/em&gt; artistic feedback?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As anyone who's been to art school knows, other artists are not shy about laying into your art, brutally criticizing anything they might see as a flaw.  A good artist accepts this and learns to take it with equanimity.  Not all criticism is valid, but even the most gratuitous can contain some grain of truth that helps them improve.  It's a tough, but ultimately rewarding process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend is willing to get kicked around a bit, then you can soften the blow by prefacing the negative criticism with something positive.  For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I like the way that you strung together the lyrics in this phrase -- but, I have to tell you, they don't flow with that beat at all.  You need to think about mixing up your rhythms to let the music be part of your unique voice, and not just background noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you might expect you should avoid saying things like, &quot;That's utter trash!&quot; not because they're mean-spirited but because they don't contain any &lt;em&gt;actionable information.&lt;/em&gt;  Which is to say, don't sugar-coat everything, but do ultimately give &lt;em&gt;constructive&lt;/em&gt; advice that to encourage them to try harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this assumes you're willing to put in the time to help, of course.  This can take hours or even days, so be sure you are OK getting sucked in before you move forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if you don't want to take the time, or they don't seem to want your brutal honesty, or (as mentioned at the beginning) you don't feel you're expert enough to give an informed opinion, you can dissemble:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I listened to your music, but I don't think I'm really the right person to judge it as your style isn't really my cup of tea.  You should ask someone who is into that style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they counter that they know you are into &quot;SoundCloud rap&quot; and that doesn't make sense, you can try to draw some fine distinctions between what you like and what you don't:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, I know.  But I'm into music that has kind of jazzy, complex, upbeat rhythms. Yours is more dark, which already turns me off to it.  But other people might get into that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to stay honest by stating what you don't like about it, e.g. &quot;it's too downbeat&quot;, &quot;it's too slow&quot;, &quot;you're not really rapping about things that interest me&quot;, and so on.  This allows them to understand what it is that you didn't like, but suggests it's just a &lt;em&gt;personal&lt;/em&gt;, and not a &lt;em&gt;general&lt;/em&gt; opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing like that comes to mind, fall back on something innocuous and meaningless:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I just couldn't get into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might not work, as your friend is likely to press for details, but it is less unfriendly than stating your actual opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T13:28:26.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17926" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-24T13:29:33.087" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could possibly have avoid a conflict while keeping your wishes know by rephrasing how you spoke to the family. There is no way to completely get what you want without coming off as entitled and demanding, but your phrasing could have been improved, and you could have looked for compromise over making demands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, these seats aren't taken. And no, they will not be taken either. We booked our seats this way, so maybe no one would be in front of us. I clearly overheard your daughter telling you that you booked seats about five rows further back, so please go to the seats assigned to you on your ticket, or I will go and fetch an attendant to remind you where they are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is demanding, authoritative, and entitled. People don't like any of those three things. You immediately put them on the defensive by implying they were doing something wrong, putting your needs above theirs, and then threatening to get them in trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could instead have hit the same main ideas without being confrontational, which would have almost certainly caused them to be more willing to compromise and work with you. You could perhaps have replied with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, they're not taken, but we booked our tickets just an hour ago, knowing those seats were empty. We paid the extra for first class tickets and took the risk of booking last minute, so that we'd get seats without anyone in front of them. You see, a lot of the time we come here and get our experience ruined by someone blocking our view or talking all show long, or being on their phones. If you guys are going to sit there we don't mind, and we know you two will be respectful of our enjoyment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This establishes your expectations and desires, and outlines why you deserve the special treatment of essentially trying to reserve six seats for the price of three. You're putting the problem on you, and not preemptively accusing them of anything. Most people will hear your concerns and keep them in mind for the duration of the show - trying to not block your view or distract you. You won't create a conflict that will ruin the mood of the evening, and you'll still get the key parts of your expectations. The family might even go elsewhere if other good seats are available. You don't even need to mention that you'll fetch an attendant if they're causing you problems - they know it's an option and so do you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11903" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T13:29:33.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17927" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T13:33:05.873" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, your strategy was a bit flawed from the beginning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the coworker offered you the wine, you simply should have said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I do not drink alcohol, I am also a teetotaller.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(The problem here may be that a long time ago all common people in the USA I met do not know the word teetotaller at all. Hopefully that changed). &lt;strong&gt;If you want to explain something, use the most simple means.&lt;/strong&gt; You simply should have pointed out that this a completely different thing apart from your veganism. In case someone would have asked why, you simply state without judgement that you simply do not like the taste of alcohol. This normally ends the discussion to 100% because you cannot discuss tastes of other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you have gone the path of veganism, so how do you proceed if you are on this way or if you are not a teetotaller?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wine should be actually vegan so the behavior of the people asking you what is wrong with it was completely normal. &lt;strong&gt;Yes, you should learn the important details about your lifestyle choice.&lt;/strong&gt; You see, for many people some specific choices have an air of being gullible, easily influenced and fundamentalistic (I do not say that it &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; a so, simply that people &lt;strong&gt;think&lt;/strong&gt; so). The deck is stacked against you in this regard. A &quot;Hey, I do not know the details, but look for yourself&quot; gives you the not-so-good impression that you base important(!) decisions on hearsay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The correct decision if someone wants to give you such a present is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Erm, are those winegums without gelatin?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Is this wine without fining?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you have not rejected the present yet, just asked for clarification. The people will now be curious what the problem with gelatin or fining is (because they do not know) and some will be very surprised or even shocked that gelatin consists of animal bones and skin and that wines are &quot;improved&quot; by putting e.g. milk/blood in it. Explain those things without (hidden) reproach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advantage is that there are alternatives and it is possible that the products are in fact fully vegan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Keep explanations as simple and as resistant against objections as possible.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are unsure that a present is ok or if the person may not know that there may be problems with it, ask for clarification without outright rejecting the present. Explain the problem without reproach.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is important to know on what information you are basing your decisions. It is your(!) life you are living, not the life of somebody else life and you are responsible for your life, nobody else.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T13:33:05.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T14:12:57.190" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife is also vegan. I know the struggle at least second-hand. When she originally became vegan, she was (obviously) very interested in the topic and read &lt;em&gt;lots&lt;/em&gt; of material, which in turn meant that she had some interesting veganism-related tidbits of knowledge for many occasions (the &quot;wine is not actually vegan&quot; one is just one example), and she brought it up quite frequently. To her, she was just making conversation. Unfortunately, it turned out that many (most?) people aren't actually all that interested in how various foodstuffs are actually produced, especially if it makes them slightly uncomfortable (which many veganism-related topics do). Your situation reminds me a lot of this early phase of her veganism:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Somebody offers her some food.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She says no, explains that she is vegan now, and offers some more-or-less interesting information about the offered food.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The offering party is either confused, not interested, or does not believe her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A small discussion ensues (sometimes about being vegan, or about whatever information she offered), which invariably ended with somebody stating how vegans always talk all the time about veganism, or how they always want to &quot;convert&quot; everybody.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These conversations were quite frustrating to her, me (as I was often sitting next to her), but also to the other party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coming to your questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;More important, how do I make them stop laughing at me? (I cannot control what they think but it would be nice if they didn't express it that clearly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Easy. Don't get into &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; conversation in the first place. You know how it will end, so why bother? Note that the person offering you the wine was &lt;em&gt;most certainly&lt;/em&gt; not asking a genuine question about whether wine is vegan or not. They were making a rhetorical statement, and your comment just led them into a conversation that they were unprepared for. Don't get me wrong, they &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; definitely acting like pricks, but (as I said), I have seen this happen frequently even in groups of people that are generally nice. As other answers, I suggest to just not follow up on the veganism-related comment. A simple &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Thanks, not interested in a drink right now.&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; would do in the future. Only bring up veganism if you actually &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to have this conversation, and then be prepared to fight against some amount of ridicule and disbelief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I convey to my coworkers that: I don't know the details, they can look it up themselves (so they don't have to blindly trust me) but, please, stop assuming that this cannot be true and that I'm silly/stupid/whatever?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I said, they don't care about the details. It's not even about your information being veganism-related. To them, it just sounded outlandish, and they reacted in the same way as if you told them that the moon is actually made out of cheese. It will be &lt;em&gt;extremely&lt;/em&gt; difficult to make people &quot;stop assuming this cannot be true&quot; for something that they &lt;em&gt;really, really&lt;/em&gt; don't believe, and it's almost certainly not worth the effort to try. Change the subject, and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6272" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T13:12:48.897" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T13:12:48.897" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17930" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T14:14:16.140" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;My daughter has rare, severe allergies and as such, even when she explains, people often don't believe her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am hearing impaired, but there are conditions where I hear better than others.  I have other comparisons and things I've learned in life, but here's what it comes down to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People don't care.  They really don't.  If people aren't going to care enough to make sure they don't poison my daughter, they're not going to care if they annoy someone who's vegan.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;People don't want to be bothered with explanations.  They live their lives and don't want the details of the lives of others. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what do you do?  You just say &quot;no thank you&quot;. without explanation.  It eliminates the problem by not making it a topic of conversation to begin with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We humans, being as we are, like to get inquisitive, and at the same time don't like being proven wrong.  When confronted with information like &quot;actually, xyz is actually treated with animal products&quot; is going to make someone feel foolish for not knowing it, which is why you can unintentionally end up looking like a know-it all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you must discuss something like that, do it in a way that lets the person save face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No thank you, I'm not in the mood for wine tonight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I'm not sure about that brand of wine, I heard they might be processing it with something I can't have, but thank you for the offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, if you don't know about a subject, don't bring it up.  Again, this is where a polite &quot;thank you&quot; would be prudent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Human nature is such that people believe that any topic brought up is one to be debated, so please be aware in the future if you bring something up, be prepared to discuss it, not just veganism, anything at all, is fair game for discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When dealing with people who insist on being rude, consider the following approaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A blank stare with a prolonged silence.  This is a clear social signal that someone has crossed a line.  Follow this with changing the subject.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Simply changing the subject while turning away from the offender.  Again, a social cue that you've sent that the person crossed a line, but you are letting it pass.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I'm sorry, that's all I have to say.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I experience the same things when my autism comes up, from questions about counting cards to scraping forks against plates to test if over stimming me will get a reaction.  Discussing things with friends is fine, casual contacts, not so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastEditorDisplayName="user4548" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T17:27:34.790" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T17:27:34.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T14:21:55.523" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been vegetarian and on and off again vegan for 20 years. Best advice when interacting with working people is to never bring up being vegetarian/vegan. Simply decline food that you don't want to eat by saying you don't like that specific type. Ex: &quot;No thanks, I don't like chicken sandwiches.&quot;. If they ask why, say you don't like eating it for health reasons. Everyone usually agrees with health reasons and will leave it at that. Health is personal and is a great reason to not do anything you don't want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't like Brythan's answer. Joking about it will just approve them joking about it again in the future. Since you said you aren't good with human interaction, I'm assuming most of them assume your whole identity is a millennial vegan. When talking to them try to talk about something that is important to you(hobby) that they can relate with and more strongly identify you with. People view you refusing what they consume as a personal attack on their lifestyle as you do when they joke about you being vegan. Treat it like religion and culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ever get use to conflict:&#xA;Consider practicing debate. Show people videos on your phone of conditions of animals in the food industry right before their meal. One good video usually stops the topic ever being brought up again. There's a reason why kids cry when they find out where there food comes from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21176" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T14:21:55.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17935" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17938" CreationDate="2018-08-24T17:12:57.797" Score="15" ViewCount="2704" Body="&lt;p&gt;You know when you're sitting in a restaurant and you go to shake some salt on your food, but someone unscrewed the lid, so all the salt pours onto your food? This is my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife almost never puts the lid back properly on anything. If it's a threaded lid, she'll (usually) crossthread the lid so it's not properly secured, but often she'll just set the lid on top. For things like Tupperware, she'll typically press the lid onto 3 corners and leave the last corner unsecured.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Condiments and drinks get spilled needlessly; foods dry out, get moldy, or absorb odors unnecessarily in the refrigerator or get stale in the cupboard; etc. She never spills any of it as far as I know; she must assume that nothing is properly closed. She is not bothered by any of it, whereas I don't even like having peeled garlic and open butter in the fridge because of the absorbed smells...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask her to fix this issue? I have talked to her about it before, but usually after I just spilled something or made a mess because her lid skills, so I'm already irritated. She knows she does it and that it bothers me. I am more exasperated than confrontational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19480" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T06:20:19.850" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:03:51.430" Title="How do I persuade my wife to put lids on things in the kitchen?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17935" CreationDate="2018-08-24T17:18:57.787" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Approach her at a time when you haven't just spilled something or made a mess, so you're in a calmer mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best way to talk to her is to remind her of the sanitation issues that arise from her failure to replace lids correctly. Remind her that you both could get sick if the food goes bad. Tell her that you don't want to waste food by always letting it go bad. Refuse to buy her favorite foods unless she properly puts them away. I would also try to get a better idea of why she hasn't been replacing the lids. Has she given you any reasons for not closing the containers before? Perhaps ask her why it's been so difficult for her to remember to do so. Maybe there's something else going on that you can address.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: the reason I suggest refusing to buy her favorite foods is because it's something my parents used on my siblings and I when we were young. If we didn't clean up the kitchen after cooking, they wouldn't let us cook and if we didn't put things away after using them we weren't allowed to use them. It worked for my parents, although it might look a little different for OP because obviously a married relationship is different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastEditorUserId="20493" LastEditDate="2018-08-25T18:20:41.633" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T18:20:41.633" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17935" CreationDate="2018-08-24T17:49:57.377" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this is part of her lifestyle, making this a harder kind of habit to break. As such, any halfhearted effort on her part will probably fall short. Unless she really wants to stop, I don't think you'll see an end to spilling and rotting food in the near future. So why isn't she making a conscious effort to stop? This could be a couple things, but my guess is that she doesn't understand how much of a problem this is for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Helping her understand the problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest confronting her and being straightforward about it to make sure that she understands. Find a time when you're not upset from a recent spill and sit her down to talk to her about the situation. Try to use &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&amp;quot;I feel&amp;quot; statements&lt;/a&gt; to prevent her from getting defensive. Focus on how the situation is troubling for you, not how she's causing you problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Some fun reinforcement&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I'd use positive reinforcement as encouragement. For a situation like this, I'd &lt;a href=&quot;https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/XDaysSince&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;get a whiteboard and write in all caps&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;0 DAYS SINCE&lt;br&gt;&#xA;LAST INCIDENT&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then every day increment the number. If you have a big spill or something's gone rotten, return the number to 0. This could turn into a game of sorts. It will also help her realize how often this is happening to you. Notice how the number never gets larger than 3? This is a real problem!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may be a little cheesy depending on you and your wife's personalities, but you could definitely have some fun with this. Maybe you could go on a fancy date night once you reach some number of days or do something else she would enjoy, or set other milestones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; I'd have a straightforward conversation with her to make sure she understands why you're having trouble with this and then--if you feel comfortable--incorporate some fun positive reinforcement ideas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T04:21:44.160" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17939" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17935" CreationDate="2018-08-24T17:54:38.953" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure you can change your wife habit. Habit are extremely hard to change and if she don't have very good reason to change them, she simply won't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if she feels like she is already doing more than her share in housework, she might feels like you are just giving her more work but won't do it yourself. If you think that this might be the case, you need to have discussion with here about that (maybe see &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4288/21067&quot;&gt;this answer&lt;/a&gt; or other related question about chore sharing). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, you can try switching task. Take the chore that involve putting lids and give her some of your own. This way, you will be sure that the lids are correctly put.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T17:54:38.953" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17940" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17946" CreationDate="2018-08-24T18:10:33.010" Score="14" ViewCount="4468" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every so often I find myself in a situation where a friend or coworker asks if I want to do something social, and I don't want to for some non-committal reasons. By &quot;non-committal&quot; reasons, I'm referring to nights where I need time to myself (I'm generally an introvert), don't feel like spending money, or have various personal things I'd rather get done (maybe work on some personal projects, clean my apartment, cook a meal I've been preparing, etc). In other words, I don't have a &quot;solid&quot; excuse such as a previous engagement, illness, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these situations, I feel that it's unnecessary (and rather cumbersome) to go into detail in my response, so I usually say something along the lines of, &quot;thanks for the invite but I don't really have time tonight&quot;. Depending on my relationship with the person, or the type of personality they have, this is often met with friendly peer-pressure. They'll respond with questions and statements to sort of egg me on, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Oh come on, what else could you be doing?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;What, are you doing laundry or something? You can do that kind of stuff any time!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;It's just for a few drinks, it's not like we'll be out all night!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; (with my particular friends/coworkers, it's rarely &quot;just a few drinks&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sort of peer-pressure, no matter how playful or well-intentioned, always frustrates me immensely. I see it as an invasion of privacy, and strongly feel that I shouldn't be expected to dive into the details of my night. With friends/coworkers that are particularly aggressive with their peer pressure, the situation usually ends in one of two ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;a)&lt;/strong&gt; I give in, despite my best judgement. This is not ideal because it means I'm not taking my own needs seriously.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;b)&lt;/strong&gt; I become openly frustrated with them, and say something mildly hostile, such as, &quot;I said I was busy, why don't you understand that?&quot; This is not ideal because it creates a pretty uncomfortable situation for the both of us. They are usually taken aback (they weren't expecting their playful egging-on to be met with anger), and I feel bad and somewhat ashamed with myself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I better handle this situation, so that &lt;strong&gt;neither party feels bad in the end&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional info:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm a 28 year old male&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm introverted but certainly not a loner or reclusive, and I feel that I socialize a healthy amount, so please no, &lt;em&gt;&quot;you just need to relax and get out more&quot;&lt;/em&gt; responses.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I understand that they're only egging me on because they enjoy my company and want to hang out, which is flattering, but doesn't make me any less frustrated.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do enjoy hanging out with the particular friends/coworkers I have in mind, and as long as I at least know a few days ahead of time, I'm usually happy to go out with them. The scenario I've outlined here typically occurs when I'm asked spontaneously, and is certainly not the &quot;norm&quot; of our social interactions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why this peer-pressure bothers me&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As &lt;strong&gt;dbeer&lt;/strong&gt; mentioned in the comments, it may be helpful to delve a little deeper into this topic. Off the top of my head, here's why I believe I become so frustrated with this type of peer-pressure:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I feel it's an invasion of privacy&lt;/strong&gt;. I could very well not want to go out because of a highly personal matter that I'm not ready to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I find it a little disrespectful&lt;/strong&gt;. This may be a bit overkill, but when someone tries to coerce me into going out even after I stated I couldn't, it tells me that they don't think I'm capable of making my own decisions. As a side note, I'm specifically talking about &lt;strong&gt;persistent&lt;/strong&gt; egging-on. A small little, &quot;aw, but it would be fun&quot; isn't a big deal to me.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm nervous about their reaction&lt;/strong&gt;. This ones a bit more personal. Growing up, I had some bad experiences with friends who seemed legitimately angry any time I told them I didn't feel like hanging out. Sometimes I would even find out that they gossiped about me during the social outing that I didn't attend. In retrospect, I can tell that the issue was really on their end, but some of the anxiety that caused me has definitely carried over to adulthood.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17261" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-08-25T03:59:31.773" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T03:59:31.773" Title="How to calmly respond to friendly peer-pressure when it's a major pet-peeve?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;peer-pressure&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T18:32:55.153" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answers here miss an important point of the actual situation [edit; most of them miss]. When a group of ~20 people come together to eat you can be sure they are going to laugh and make fun. They will not be interested in any details, no matter how accurate, about your Vegan situation or probably any other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your skills in social interactions are limited then my answer would be to simply say &quot;No, thank you&quot; to the wine and let it go. The comment of &quot;Knowing it is vegan&quot; was made in the least serious possible way, not as a challenge. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What little I know about vegan and other such diets is that they are well thought out. Accuracy aside, there is considerable thought and attention to each phase and part of all kinds of (worlds of) food available. The bad vegetarian reputation comes from non-vegans getting a blisteringly thorough answer to a simple question such as &quot;What's for lunch?&quot;. The experience of  too much information or great debate on food morality has been known to put people off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have my own health and diet issues. I make a point of not discussing them with anyone, Unless someone asks me particularly about them and then only if they have a need to know, show real interest and desire to learn. I've spent too much time listening to people telling the same story, or giving today's update, about their ongoing health and diet issues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21222" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T18:32:55.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17940" CreationDate="2018-08-24T19:28:47.510" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With friends/coworkers that are particularly aggressive with their peer pressure, the situation usually ends in one of two ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a) I give in, despite my best judgement. This is not ideal because it means I'm not taking my own needs seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To &lt;em&gt;invest&lt;/em&gt; in a friendship sometimes you 'have to' do what others want, on their schedule. If it's not worth the investment you should make that clear in a polite manner. You might explain that you ration 4 hours a week for recreation, outside of that you have many important things to attend to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are part of a group that you particularly enjoy hanging out with, and they always do great things, then perhaps it's useful to alot more time for them; if introvertion is a problem that you want cured this is your chance - otherwise, don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b) I become openly frustrated with them, and say something mildly hostile, such as, &amp;quot;I said I was busy, why don't you understand that?&amp;quot; This is not ideal because it creates a pretty uncomfortable situation for the both of us. They are usually taken aback (they weren't expecting their playful egging-on to be met with anger), and I feel bad and somewhat ashamed with myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are pushy it is not wrong to push back, if they are offended why not ask why they escalate things to the point where raised voices are all they can hear (acknowledge).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why would they ask you if your opinion is invalid or you can only say &amp;quot;yes&amp;quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They have asked, you have answered, explain that you need to be on your way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's really a bullying or microaggression that you can only agree, do what you are told. Why not pick better friends, say that you are spending your time with the other more interesting and less pushy group with whom you have common interests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making an escalation, then trying to turn it around into a joke, and further pile-on that you have overreacted is manipulate. You should call out that behaviour. If it's you that's so poorly behaved then surely they are withdrawing their offer, and &lt;em&gt;now&lt;/em&gt; you can be on your way - or is all forgiven, and you'll do what you are told?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain politely that you don't appreciate this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably that you give in that encourages their tactics and they may well only seek the company of people whom accept that behaviour. Don't be an enabler, explain that you will see them only at work and not after work, or if they are with a friend that you have in common, but that you won't be seeking them out on your own - they don't respect your opinion and schedule, and are argumentative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T19:28:47.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-24T19:31:39.383" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is a triage system that most practices have n place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Practices keep a certain number of appointments open every day, with senior GPs, more juniors colleagues and nurse practitioners. This is so that genuinely urgent cases can refereed to a GP who will usually call back fairly quickly to discuss, in order to avoid having to go to A&amp;amp;R. The receptionist needs to make a decision about who to pass it on to (if at all.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to give any details, and it really is urgent, then say &quot;I can't go into details because I will be overheard, but it is urgent and I would like to speak to a doctor about it as soon as possible.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21225" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T19:31:39.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17940" CreationDate="2018-08-24T20:19:51.603" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why don't you be honest and say you're an introvert and you need time alone? After some time people will stop asking you to go to things because you keep saying no. Expect people to take it personal. If your not willing to be more social for people, don't expect them to like you as much or to not take offense. They can't understand why you wouldn't go hang out with them and you can't understand why they want to all the time. You can't expect to maintain relationships properly with people without work. Maybe in the future think of it as relationship maintenance chore with only those you want/need to have a relationship with. You're unfortunately in the minority. The minority usually suffers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21176" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T20:19:51.603" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17940" CreationDate="2018-08-24T20:24:52.783" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's only one reason that your friends would continue to ask you in different, more pressuring ways to do something--&lt;strong&gt;it's because they believe they have a chance of changing your mind.&lt;/strong&gt; The fact that you've ended up giving into this pressure before doesn't help, but at the end of the day, this seems like a problem with the art of saying no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know that this is a friend who's susceptible to consistently pressure you, I'd say you do the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the invite, but I'm going to be busy then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if this conversation has happened before with peer pressure and you feel comfortable, I'd add with a wry smile:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This one's non-negotiable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't get dragged into giving details. If you begin to discuss your reasons, they will see this as a negotiable point, which is exactly what you're trying to avoid. Instead, if they say something like &quot;Come on, what else could you be doing?&quot; change the subject to a future hangout. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I'll be there at Larry's birthday this weekend with you guys!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one likes a rejection, but this will at least give them something to focus on in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-08-24T20:30:52.077" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T20:30:52.077" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-24T20:39:58.937" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mum (a professional preschool teacher) believed in offering choices -- never a choice like, &quot;Do you want to wear a shirt today?&quot;, but rather, &quot;Which shirt do you want to wear to school today: this blue one, or this green one?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IOW she'd offer a choice between whichever alternatives were all acceptable to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly your GF might like a choice -- and not just, &quot;go to the gym!&quot;, but rather, &quot;What would you like to do for exercise, healthy fun and games, with me? We could go jogging, cycling, swimming, go the gym, learn a martial art, take dance lessons, join a soccer team, (etc.)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'd like to sign us both up together at the same time for a nice gym&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead maybe try different activities until you find one she likes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently even you don't like the gym; so...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T20:39:58.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17949" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-24T21:02:19.127" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two things you should be focusing on: veganism isn't about the ingredients, it's about the process, and the default assumption is that a food isn't vegan. Presumably, you were having this conversation in France, so I don't know what exactly the words you were using were, but going with the English word &quot;vegan&quot;, many people think that it's about what's in the food, when in fact it is about wanting to avoid foods whose production involves what they consider to be cruelty to animals, regardless of whether those animals end up physically present in the food. This would explain your coworkers' incredulity: wine is made from grapes, not animals, and it doesn't occur to them that there would be animal products involved in the production. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other issue is that you're getting put into the position of trying to prove that it's not vegan, which necessitates a large amount knowledge. But you want to eat things you know are vegan, not merely not eat things you know aren't. An observant Jew isn't going to eat some random piece of food they're offered on the theory &quot;I don't know it's &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; kosher&quot;. You don't have any obligation to prove to them that it's not vegan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I recommend a response along these lines: &quot;Well, I'm concerned not only with the main ingredients, but whether any animal cruelty was involved in making it. A lot of products that you wouldn't think involve animals actually have minor ingredients that are food products, or have animals otherwise involved in their production, and different people have different ideas of what constitutes acceptable animal involvement, so I prefer to be safe and stick to the foods I know satisfy my particular standards.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4664" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T21:02:19.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17950" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-24T22:48:42.807" Score="4" ViewCount="267" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner is bad about keeping up with small chores, like putting away the dishes after eating, which results in them piling up and turning into big chores, which then turns into a big problem for both of us: We both work and have busy lives so it is hard to find the time for major clean up operations that take hours, like washing a giant mountain of dirty, dried dishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've spoken about this and we both agree about the necessity of keeping up with our chores. The problem happens at the compliance level, my partner seems to often forget to do them anyway. I don't think the forgetting is malicious, it's just that habits are hard to break and reform. It doesn't help that I occasionally skip out on my chores myself, but I do it much less frequently and &quot;catch up&quot; with missed chores much sooner. It is a lot harder for me to keep up with my part when the house is already messy as well. Mess in our house seems to have a way of begetting more and more mess. And the lingering mess creates stress for both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't wish to be a nag and just remind me partner about every dirty dish, every loose sock, every little bit of paper, etc. Frankly, I wouldn't have the energy to exercise such vigilance: The constant badgering about tiny chores would be a chore in and of itself to me! Even if I were able to have the tenacity to nag about every single thing, this still doesn't help with chores skipped when I'm not around, or when a chore has been skipped but my partner won't be home for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There some similar questions posted already, but they seem different from mine in that the chore-dodger does not want to be doing the chores in the first place. I view my situation as the next level of this: My partner does want to break the bad habit of not doing chores, but it is proving difficult in practice. So what steps can I take that would be effective in helping my partner accomplish this goal?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: This has been going on for more than a year, and although there's been some improvement, it's very little in the grand scheme of getting from a messy house that requires devoting every other weekend to &quot;spring cleaning&quot; to a not-messy house which requires a more modest amount of maintenance. So I wonder if &quot;just hang in there and be supportive&quot; is perhaps not a sufficient solution by itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18915" LastActivityDate="2018-08-26T11:24:27.277" Title="How can I get my partner to keep up with her chores?" Tags="&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;chores&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-08-26T13:50:19.190" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17951" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4703" CreationDate="2018-08-24T23:56:55.607" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will answer this from a guy's perspective, given my experience of talking to hundreds of men about relationships and seeings dozens of them unfold before my eyes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do you tell?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lack or presence of touch is not a good indicator of anything besides general sexual attraction. A guy could be touching your thigh because he hopes to invite you for a night of fun or he could be touching the thigh of his future wife. Touch alone doesn't communicate that information. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Likewise I seriously question the suggestion of directly asking the guy about his intentions. Unless you've known him for a long time and know exactly how he behaves in dating, receiving an answer won't tell you the full picture. Many guys will respond with whatever the other side wants to hear or genuinely respond to your question while under the influence of sexual attraction, rather than through any long term planning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A better way of measuring a guy's level or commitment is to analyze how much effort he has invested into the relationship so far. If he's driving every weekend for 2 hours just to see you for a coffee, he's probably interested in a relationship. If he insists you come over to his neighborhood and all you do is walk around in the park, he's probably looking for something casual. Obviously this will vary according to the person's income - there's nothing wrong with a poor student taking his date to McDonald's, but likewise an investment banker paying for a Michelin star dinner doesn't reveal much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, be aware that people's intentions can change at any time during the relationship, otherwise no one couples would ever break up or get a divorce. You might change your mind post-coitus and your partner has a similar right. It's hard for people to predict these kinds of outcomes in advance, even if they have the best intentions. At the end of the day all of us have to risk disappointment in dating and there's no magical solution that could resolve that ambiguity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9110" LastActivityDate="2018-08-24T23:56:55.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17950" CreationDate="2018-08-25T01:27:45.377" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This issue goes to the very heart of your relationship. You sound both committed to your weekly work, but neither of you seem to be committing to clearing up the devastation caused by that weekly work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It calls for an equal amount of will, a mutual desire to please one another and a mutual realisation of one another's standards and respect for one another, and shared feelings of what is appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you have stated, you have not attained these mutual qualities or at least they are not operating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do not reach agreement on this fundamental issue then other more serious issues requiring mutual agreement will never be resolved and your relationship will suffer. With this in mind, it is imperative that you should both sit down and agree again on how to go forward with behaviour that is mutually satisfactory.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you just clear up your own dishes for a week before bringing it up - just leave the other dishes to one side so that your partner can see that you are angry. The let them raise the issue.  Just go out a couple of times when it is really untidy so that they are faced with their own mess. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this because you cannot just go on being angry and resentful without taking this on. Do not offer any ideas how this may be solved nor give in, just clear your own mess and wait until your partner comes around and demonstrates the ability and willingness to put their back into solving the issue for you both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19168" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T01:27:45.377" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17953" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17967" CreationDate="2018-08-25T01:58:06.057" Score="23" ViewCount="2963" Body="&lt;p&gt;The title summarizes the issue quite well: I'm arachnophobic and my wife wants a pet spider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She knows I'm terrified by all kinds of bugs, and she wants to buy it anyway. I know phobias are not good... But, hey! I didn't choose to be afraid of such things: I've been phobic for as long as I can remember, and haven't had any success dealing with it: therapy, counselling, support from friends... In the face of a spider, I simply freeze in panic, fighting an urge to run as fast as my legs can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; aware about my phobia: I've talked about it with her, and (I thought) I had made clear that under no circumstance I'd tolerate a spider in my home. She told me: &quot;instead of being terrified, why don't you just face your fear?&quot; The intention seems noble, but it's a weak justification, given that it was said after the main intention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two days ago, when I arrived, she told me: &quot;can we go to a pet store?&quot;. I told her: &quot;sure; why&quot;, and she answered: &quot;just to get a little animal&quot;... It took me a second to realize what she meant, and I literally began to shake and to ask (to beg) &quot;No! Please, don't! Not &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; thing!&quot;. She simply and plainly told me: &quot;Take me there or I'll go anyway. You don't have to see it, it will be enclosed&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She bought the spider (a tarantula), despite me begging her not to. She's studying a second career, and right now she's taking a course about arachnids. She planned to buy a spider with a classmate, and the original plan was for the classmate to keep it; however, my wife changed her mind and chose to keep the spider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm terrified and angry. I feel ignored. I simply want to run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I see it right now, I have three alternatives:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Cope with the thing: The spider stays, I fix the rules about its accommodation and try not to suffer about it. That will for the benefit of my wife, but it will make me unhappy (or at least, anxious two out of three hours I'm at home).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;An ultimatum: Tell my wife &quot;the spider goes or I go&quot;. If I succeed, I'll be happy, but I'll make my wife angry and resentful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Simply assume that the spider is a sign of severe insensitivity towards me and go. That would be a terrible blow for both my wife and me... it would risk my marriage; at the very least both of us would be angry at the other for a while, and the central problem (the spider at home) would not be addressed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My main objective is for the spider to go. I simply can't be happy while the animal is here. So, the main question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I insist my wife get rid of the spider without looking like an insensitive or stubborn guy?&lt;/strong&gt; And, as a secondary objective: if my wife does not get the message (i.e. she does not get rid of the spider): how to communicate the &quot;ultimatum&quot; in a respectful, but firm and final tone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10910" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-08-26T16:48:30.743" LastActivityDate="2019-06-16T13:59:31.407" Title="How do I insist my wife gets rid of her recently bought pet spider, given that I'm arachnophobic?" Tags="&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;pets&gt;&lt;fear&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17954" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17714" CreationDate="2018-08-25T03:12:01.480" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's do some back of the envelope calculations, presuming you live in the US. You say your wife is working on a low salaried job for 35 hours/week. At US minimum wage (7.25$/hour), that's around $14k/year. You on the other hand make 10x as much, so your income is at least $140k per year before tax. Therefore presumably you're not a poor household by any measure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With those numbers in mind, let's solve your issues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The dishes pile up&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why not buy a dishwasher? The really nice ones even dry the dishes for you so there's minimal work involved. Add a kitchen sink disposal unit and dishes are extremely easy to clean. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;kitchen, floors, and surfaces get dirty and accumulate junk&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Buy a Roomba vacuum robot, call the maid once a week, and your issues are solved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I handle the garbage, the supermarket,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why spend time at the supermarket rather than ordering groceries online? You can even set up an Amazon subscription for the most common items to save you the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;kitchen, floors, and surfaces get dirty and accumulate junk&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With grocery shopping, cleaning and washing dishes no longer in the way, cooking would become a lot easier for both of you. Same with other chores such as taking out the garbage and laundry. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I presume your wife is otherwise a good person, or else the two of you wouldn't be together. I also presume that you don't want to break up over house chores. So why not use the money you work so hard for on something that would make your relationship easier? If that's the only problem in the relationship, throwing money at it is guaranteed to make it go away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9110" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T03:12:01.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1633" CreationDate="2018-08-25T04:20:02.293" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am also an adult male living in the US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It matters on where you are. In large cities, with skyscrapers and bustling traffic, it's best to mind your own business. Granted, if you notice a particular individual often on your regular route, it is OK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, when at places like the gym it's generally wise not to pay too much attention on formalities. Yet, that rule-of-thumb can very depending on if it's packed to the gills or bone-dry. That leads into another point: it depends on the type of person. Gym rats are usually happy to be acknowledged--especially if you go further, ask them a technique related question. (Nothing is fixed when tail is in the mix.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Small towns or in a suburban neighborhood, on the sidewalks with old folks taking a stroll, runners, people walking their iguanas, etc--they will generally &lt;em&gt;look&lt;/em&gt; to see if you will say something in passing. (This is the opposite from stone-faced forward-bent city dwellers.) I find that if I wait 'til the last second to nod-wave and say a quick greeting, they often fumble to return acknowledgement, caught off guard. So to avoid that awkward who's-going-first, I usually smile and wave even at distances that may seem a little too far away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To sum up, (1) location matters (2) setting and busyness has an effect (3) the type of person factors in--especially if they don't look entirely busy (e.g., the gym rats who spend daily gobs of hours pumping dat iron). More importantly, try to observe new places. Take the time. Smell the surroundings. Notice how the people behave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wherever you are, it's not rude to avoid making eye contact. If you're passing by one person every week from age 10-70, that's over 3000! People simply don't remember. (Well, unless you cupped your hand over half your face and leaned away as if they had the plague. That would etch a bit of mold on their mind.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21102" LastEditorUserId="21102" LastEditDate="2020-12-09T21:37:57.450" LastActivityDate="2020-12-09T21:37:57.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17953" CreationDate="2018-08-25T05:24:31.110" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your wife probably doesn't understand the extent of your phobia, judging by how adamant she is about getting a spider. I think the best way to address this is make sure she completely understands your phobia and why you feel the way you do. Tell her how hard you've tried to overcome your phobia without success. Explain to her that her insistence to get a spider makes you feel disrespected and ignored. Firmly insist that you will never change your mind about spiders, and that her tricking you into being around one isn't going to make a difference. Tell her that you aren't choosing to be scared of spiders in an attempt to spite her or derail her wants, and that you have little control over your phobia. Remind your wife that you are both equal partners in deciding your living environment and what lives in that environment. You have the right to feel safe and comfortable in your own home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also try to better understand why your wife wants a spider so bad. Even if you aren't at all open to getting a spider, understanding why she wants one might help you empathize with her. Also see if she would be willing to get a different pet that doesn't scare you quite so much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, work with your wife to come up with another way for her to have a pet spider in her life. Perhaps one of her friends or family members could get one with her and keep it at their place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastEditorUserId="20493" LastEditDate="2018-08-25T05:38:42.777" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T05:38:42.777" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17950" CreationDate="2018-08-25T05:34:40.153" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the person in my relationship that's more messy, I can sympathize with your partner but I recognize that I need to improve my cleanliness skills. Some of my suggestions are things my partner's tried on me before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to address this situation is to be direct. Tell your partner that you value having a clean and tidy living space, and that you feel they are not pulling their weight in achieving that.  Explain to them that this has been bothering you for over a year, and you're fed up with it. Tell them specifically what they need to improve on. Also ask why they dislike doing chores and what gets in the way of them getting chores done. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to work together to form a new system of doing chores. Ask them which chores they like doing best (or at least, dislike the most) and let them do those chores. Maybe they would be more motivated if the two of you did chores together at the same time and could maybe create a more enjoyable experience out of it. Maybe you could create some sort of reward system for completed chores to motivate them extrinsically. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However you decide to go about this, I urge you to address it directly and as soon as possible. The longer you go without addressing it, the more upset you're going to get, which has the potential to manifest in other areas of your relationship. I really don't recommend taking a passive aggressive approach and stopping doing your chores, that just makes it worse for both of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T05:34:40.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-25T10:00:26.273" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;make it clear that if the subject is raised, I can talk about it just like anyone else&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you shouldn't, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine a German scholar and a French scholar -- the German scholar likes to talk abut German, and the French scholar likes to talk about French -- all well and good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's less good if the German scholar says, &quot;French literature is horrible, self-contradictory, stupid, a waste of time, and people who like it are idiots.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps it would be fair to explain atheism, if it comes up as a topic of conversation -- &quot;Is it true that you don't like people saying 'bless you'?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't take that as a &lt;em&gt;carte blanche&lt;/em&gt; to criticise other people nor their religion[s].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the characteristics of a &quot;sectarian&quot; is the view that &quot;only this is true, everything else is false&quot; --perhaps you shouldn't do the same yourself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps your attitude to religions might be, &quot;don't criticise what you don't understand.&quot; Of course it's legitimate for you to decide that a religion is not worth learning, not worth understanding -- but when I have to draw a line somewhere (which everyone does, especially in matters of religion) then I draw it somewhere like there -- i.e. that your opinions as an atheist are kind of off-topic when the topic is religion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a &quot;double standard&quot;. It's like, my opinions as a vegetarian are off-topic when people are talking about their eating meat -- and they might know I'm vegetarian, it would be impolite though (perhaps unfriendly, intolerant, tending toward intolerable or insufferable) to interject my disapproving views into the conversation each time they discuss the topic amongst themselves in my company. People already know my opinion, more or less, and if or when they want more they can ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Religious tolerance&quot; suggests you shouldn't criticise their views, should let them be free to choose their own. And don't make a religion out of criticising theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Incidentally I think this is more-or-less the policy on Stack Exchange, for example -- on the religion sites, to answer questions about one sect without being gratuitously critical of others; and on stackoverflow, to answer questions about a programming language without criticising others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, in the same vein, consider using &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;I-messages&lt;/a&gt;&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In interpersonal communication, an I-message or I-statement is an assertion about the feelings, beliefs, values etc. of the person speaking, generally expressed as a sentence beginning with the word &quot;I&quot;, and is contrasted with a &quot;you-message&quot; or &quot;you-statement&quot;, which often begins with the word &quot;you&quot; and focuses on the person spoken to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, saying &quot;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; believe this&quot; is much politer than saying &quot;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; are stupid to believe that&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If an &quot;I&quot; message contains &quot;you-messages&quot;, it can be problematic in conflict situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And saying, &quot;I believe you're stupid&quot; isn't a good example of politeness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastEditorUserId="9053" LastEditDate="2018-08-27T10:20:13.887" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T10:20:13.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17962" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17953" CreationDate="2018-08-25T10:08:52.730" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no way for me to know exactly what is going on through your wife's mind but I believe it might be a misguided attempt to help you face your phobia. She knows you had tried to deal with it unsuccessfully in the past and she wants to help you face it through exposure. Though it is a valid way to get over a phobia it is not suitable for every case and definitely isn't something you should just force someone into without their consent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step to dealing with the issue is figuring out why she wants the spider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is just something that she just wants for herself Zanahorias's answer gives a good suggestion how to deal with that and there is no need for me to repeat it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is indeed because she is trying to help you get over the phobia then you need to have a whole different conversation. First you need to understand that she is coming from a good place and she isn't ignoring your needs but is trying to help you overcome something that might cause some more serious issues. I don't know to what extent your phobia is and I really hope something like that doesn't happen to you but I have found a spider in my car while driving and I jumped a little without having arachnophobia. Might have ended up in crash if I did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's all good and all but you need to explain to her that trying to overcome this fear should be done on your terms and not hers. Hear her out why she things she needs to do this. If you don't want to work on this issue explain your side, tell her that you appreciate her concerns but it is something that you have dealt with up till now and you don't want to try and overcome it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do want to work it out set some clear terms and do start slow. Maybe once a month you can go to the pet store and just look at the spiders. Then try going more often. The pet store should be willing to let you touch one of them after some time if you feel ready. Having one in your house as a pet might be the last step towards a solution but definitely not the first one. Come out with a plan together and try to follow it as best you can. It is not going to be easy but with your wife supporting you rather than just ignoring your concerns it should be easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-08-26T00:54:35.283" LastActivityDate="2018-08-26T00:54:35.283" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17963" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-25T10:35:05.443" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since I'm vegan/vegetarian, I have to deal with this behavior a lot&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, you don't have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dismissive behaviour is caused by vegans making such a big fuss about it, and is a perfectly normal counter-reaction to someone pressing a fanatical attitude. Note I don't say that &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; do that, but you get pressed into that because frankly speaking, a lot of vegans are straight out annoying to everyone around them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ordinary people do not make a point out of their eating habits. Everyone has something that they don't like or don't eat for whatever reason. But most people don't put a label on it (&quot;I'm a smelly-cheese-refuser&quot;). Vegetarianism and Veganism especially often come with a reason of animal well-being and not taste, and often try to make meat-eater feel bad about themselves. Nobody likes to feel bad about themselves, so a counter-reaction follows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, now you are in this corner, you put the label on yourself and are receiving reactions caused not just by yourself, but also by overly zealous and ideological fellow vegans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their laughter and humorous treatment of the matter is a way of dealing with it in a way that deflects the underlying issues. If they make a joke about veganism, they don't have to take a stand and flat out say &quot;I like meat and if animals die for it, so be it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to decide if you are an ideological vegan or not. If you are, there are a dozen ways of hurting them back, but I won't help with those. If you are not, understand that pushing back against this humour will bring the hidden feelings of discomfort to the surface and will very likely get you an even stronger counter-reaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead you need to disarm them. You need to make it clear that this is your personal choice and you are perfectly fine with their personal choice of not being vegans. You need to be non-judgmental and that is quite hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About the wine, for example, you could deflect the question by answering not just that you don't know all the details, but by offering to look them up and enlighten everyone at the next opportunity, if they are interested. If you remember some details, you can also use the opportunity to demonstrate that you are not judging, e.g.:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, it turns out that some animal products are the best finishing agents, and non-animal substitutes don't come close. So these are actually the better wines, they just don't fit to my personal choice.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Showing &lt;strong&gt;respect&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;acceptance&lt;/strong&gt; to an opposing view is what gets those who hold it to show the same to yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T10:35:05.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17964" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-25T12:40:34.913" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It may help to view the problem objectively, without the religious angle. If you can keep that angle out of the initial analysis, your problem is almost solved, if you see the underlying problem, which is a matter of debate, literally, a question of manners and politeness as a matter of rhetorics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are anything like me, you try to be &lt;em&gt;provocative&lt;/em&gt;. You demand equal standing because it's not there. The others might be willing to grant that, but not more. Your actions are paradox, because you are trying to involve them in a discussion that should end in the conclusion that there was nothing to discuss. This is &lt;em&gt;subversive&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Provocation&lt;/em&gt; is often interrupting the discourse, trying to take the lead in the discussion. But if you change the topic of the discussion, that is &lt;em&gt;destructive&lt;/em&gt;. As a side note: Think of pro-vocation as talking (voco) before (pro) others, or rather, trying to do so when others are speaking, as disruption. So you might have appeared aggressive and destructive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you may try to be &lt;em&gt;constructive&lt;/em&gt;. You need a set of axioms (your working hypothesis) and a set of basic values (ground truth) -- Even if you don't have any ground truth, that's your ground truth. That goes without saying, literally. Further, your wish to take part in the lunch time discussion should be worthwhile. If that's a mutual feeling, then, at the very least, if you test out your arguments with their help, it depends on cooperation. So the argument needs to be approachable, digestible, and open to discussion. Proof by contradiction can work, if the issue is a very simple, but otherwise the &lt;em&gt;law of the exclude middle&lt;/em&gt; ... well, it excludes compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An uncompromising tone can violate the principle of openness, so much so that it shouldn't be taken serious. Propositions are just that. Whereas a question serves more than offering a proposition, because it also subpositions the propositions rank as dependent on modular predicates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The modality in question here is whether your convictions hold stronger, which depends on the other's convictions. Given the aforementioned claim, you might rest easy on the assumption that the other convictions are also just propositions that they are testing out. So the best you can do is be an example of your own conviction. If that does not include any religious believe, don't build your own believe on disbelieve if there is enough shared believe to build on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It becomes difficult if the disbelieve encroaches on your own believe, I know, but that is most often consequence of rather worldly affairs. Your boss supposes protection for you. Try to embrace the merit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21249" LastActivityDate="2018-08-25T12:40:34.913" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17953" CreationDate="2018-08-26T00:07:06.613" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, you're saying that you, an &lt;em&gt;arachnophobe&lt;/em&gt;, are married to a budding &lt;em&gt;arachnologist&lt;/em&gt;, who has brought her work home with her?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As they say, &quot;Buddy, you got a problem.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With due respect to the other answers, this is not something you can solve with a simple &quot;let's work it out&quot; conversation.  You have my sympathy, as it seems your wife is being &lt;em&gt;astoundingly&lt;/em&gt; insensitive, but that doesn't really help your situation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid something is going to have to give. Either you are going to have to face up to your fears, or you're going to have to find another place to live, and possibly an alternate way to live with your wife.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;It's not her place to force you to overcome your fear of spiders&lt;/em&gt;.  You get to decide that for yourself.  It sounds like you've already tried various options, but if you really want to keep your marriage intact, this might motivate you to bear down and find a means to at least manage your phobia.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Along those lines, I find it interesting you chose to marry someone who is enamored with something that terrifies you.  Perhaps your subconscious is trying to send you a message?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If overcoming your fear is just not an option, then direct confrontation, and perhaps an ultimatum, is probably your best bet.  Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Either the spider goes, or I go&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, this forces your wife to choose between you and something else she loves, but  you have to make it clear that she can't make these kind of unilateral decisions about the home you share.  Sacrifices are not unusual in any relationship, after all, and sometimes we have to give up on something we want in order to get something we want more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's possible this is a &quot;watershed moment&quot; for your marriage, but I would have trouble with someone who didn't respect my feelings before introducing something so upsetting into our relationship.  Marriage is about partnership, and if your wife can't let you be an equal partner, then there are deeper problems than those created by one solitary spider. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2019-06-16T13:59:31.407" LastActivityDate="2019-06-16T13:59:31.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17967" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17953" CreationDate="2018-08-26T00:16:07.400" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your wife went ahead and made an optional purchase of a pet, knowing that it absolutely terrified you.  She made this purchase with no consideration at all of how much emotional pain this would inflict on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is a big deal.&lt;/strong&gt; You are right to be angry.  I don't believe in a loving relationship a spouse would go ahead and do such a thing.  Even though you don't indicate this in your question, there are more problems going on in your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have some understanding of how wrong her action is because my best friend, a guy I've known since grade school, is absolutely terrified of dogs.  Forcing my friend to &quot;confront his fear&quot; by forcing a dog on him would be incredibly cruel, and totally useless.  I can't imagine doing such a thing to a friend, much less a spouse or partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should get individual counseling.  Not to help you with any phobias, but so you can discuss what's going on in your marriage with a neutral third party.  From there you can make some decisions about what to do next.  Having someone to discuss this with will help with coming up with some concrete options instead of just feeling helpless and terrified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-08-26T01:01:45.057" LastActivityDate="2018-08-26T01:01:45.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-26T00:56:56.267" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Take smaller steps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First ask to go for a walk around the park, or to somewhere several blocks away. You don't want to take a bus, car, or your own vehicles; perhaps bike riding is OK, and a smaller step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second explain that you go jogging for half an hour on particular days, ask that she join you. Next tell her you jog for an hour on a different day, and she should come along; you'd really enjoy her company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next up is the gym, where it's a big step up and sounds like a commitment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she won't engage in limited healthy activity with you she's not going to go to the gym.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the gym is too regimented and one must bear public scrutiny, this can be too much for someone whom is self-conscious and interference by others even when one is fit is often not well received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you live in an apartment with a gym that is unused or there's a couples class for family exercise (that doesn't make it sound like you are proposing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make each step a big deal, and don't heap praise on her for accomplishing some goal. Don't take the enjoyment out of doing something useful together that you both want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-08-26T00:56:56.267" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17971" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17950" CreationDate="2018-08-26T11:24:27.277" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner is also neglecting his houshold duties. We also spoke about it many many times and although he totally agrees that he needs to do more, it is hard to actually make that happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are better at keeping up now although not (yet) where we want to be. My experiences so far are that these are important points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Commitment to well defined goals&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't go into specifics so I want to point out that it is important to mutually commit to well defined goals. You wrote &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we both agree about the necessity of keeping up with our chores&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Between you two you should definititely formulate that in a lot more detail in order to make progress towards a goal. Have a look at &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/smart-goals.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;SMART&lt;/a&gt; goal formulation. I find it especially important that you mutually agree on who should do what how often and be honest about if what you agreed on is something that is important enough to you that you really want to keep the promise and that you think that you are able to keep the promise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Defined routines on WHEN to do it&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What improved the situation for me/us is when at one time my partner told me: &quot;I really need fixed duties and routines for this&quot;.&#xA;He has two daily chores (feat the cats and clean the cat toilets in the morning) and two fixed chores that are irregular (unload the dishwasher and put away dried laundry). What I noticed is: routine is key. He does his daily chores reliably during the week but neglets them on weekends because the routine is not the same. He has troubles to do the irregular chores and I think it is because the time WHEN to do it is not fixed. Even if I tell him: I hang the laundry today, we agreed on that you take it off within two days afterwards so I expect that I can do another laundry the day after tomorrow.&quot; - he says yes and forgets the schedule the next minute. I think that he never has any idea how long the laundry is hanging on the line. I now tell him when he needs to take it off, but I think the best would be to have a visible token hanging on the laundry line (which he passes several times a day) and when he sees it he knows he has to take it off today or I'll get angry.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So either put chores to routines that are already established (each time after brushing your teeth, collect all your socks in the living room) or have a timeschedule, chore board, ... something very visible that makes itself important in their head instead of having them to make the chore important in their head themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Don't do it for them&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is important too. Because each time you do their assigned chore for them, their chore will become less important in their head. They will know that at some point you will do it. Instead, remind them about it and support them in reaching their own goals. If it doesn't seem to work then check your goals again. Does your partner really recognize the goal as important and still wants to meet it? Is is doable for them? Do they know when they are supposed to do them? What was keeping them from doing it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Agree on roles&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It doesn't help that I occasionally skip out on my chores myself, but I do it much less frequently and &quot;catch up&quot; with missed chores much sooner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may sound a bit strange or overly technical, but I think it is useful to agree on roles in the household. At work my partner is a project leader for a bigger project with several people working under him. At home I am the project leader of our project &quot;household&quot;. He has assigned tasked and we both expect him to keep up with them. I do whatever I see as most important, keep an overview and remind him of his tasks if he didn't do them. This doesn't mean that he is not doing anything else except his assigned tasks, he does still decide by himself that he will take out the trash today for example, but it does give him the structure he needs to complete fixed chores and me that power and freedom I need (for managing the household project). My partner can accept this because it is clear to us that I am doing more chores and he knows by experience that simply taking decisions and keeping an overview takes time and energy as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Also I want to add: since we agreed that it is important to swipe the floor but nobody acutally wants to do it because it consumes so much time in one piece, we now have a housekeeping lady that comes once every two weeks to clean the floor.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope something here helps a bit. Good luck with improving your housekeeping!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21236" LastActivityDate="2018-08-26T11:24:27.277" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17976" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17740" CreationDate="2018-08-26T19:30:35.467" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The people saying that &quot;it is not your responsibility&quot; and &quot;do not embarrass your guests&quot; are approaching this situation too simplistically:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;True, nobody is &lt;em&gt;legally&lt;/em&gt; obligated to tip. But, given that tips are typically a component of the expected income for the person waiting on you (if not also additional staff) and not a &quot;bonus&quot;, there is a &lt;em&gt;moral&lt;/em&gt; obligation and it should be paid. It doesn't really matter who pays the tip, just like it doesn't matter who pays the bill. So if your guests are not willing or able to, then yeah, it kinda does fall to you as one of the people who received the service (and took up that servers time when they could have otherwise been waiting on another table that would have paid the tip).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tip is part of the cost of the meal. If someone offers to pay for the meal but doesn't cover the tip, then they aren't truly covering the &lt;em&gt;full&lt;/em&gt; cost of the meal. But the cost is still there. And the time was spent and work was done, hence it should be paid for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a good reason why the tip is often included, and often at a slightly higher rate (typically 18% instead of 15%) for parties over a certain number of people: because it's part of the actual cost, and larger parties demand more resources, and hence a much higher risk if that party fails to tip since the staff was working for the large party instead of spending that time on others, and there is no way to recover that loss since the time has already been spent.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Ideally&lt;/em&gt; you should not embarrass your guests. BUT, in this case, it is your guests who are embarrassing you by not following local customs. If they don't feel comfortable paying, or don't have the means to pay, then fine. If they get embarrassed when you pay (you did explain how this system works), then they will have to get over that. And lucky for them it is &lt;em&gt;much&lt;/em&gt; easier to get over being (slightly) embarrassed than it is to get over not being able to pay your rent because your income depends on tips and rude (or uninformed, in some cases) people aren't tipping what they should, even though the work was done. But, the guests actually don't have a right to be embarrassed in this particular situation. It doesn't matter where they come from and what the customs are there. As the saying goes: &quot;When in Rome, do as the Romans do.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, even if making for a slightly uncomfortable situation, is better than trying to do it discretely because that doesn't help set the example that this is indeed how things work (in the US, at least). Trying to hide that you are leaving a tip enables them to continue not tipping at other restaurants. And, if they later found out, then that would take away from the point that this is expected and not just an occasional polite thing to do. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was very uneasy about this because not only will the staff be totally stiffed, but I don't know if I can show my face there again now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also the wrong approach. Most of the time it is never too late to correct a mistake (or to apologize, etc). There is nothing stopping you from going back to that restaurant and speaking to the manager on duty about the situation. You can probably pay the tip, and if you tell the manager what night you were there, it might even get to the correct people (those that worked that night, especially the person who waited on your table).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To look at this another way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say that you are walking home from the restaurant with your guests and there were some left-overs. At some point, they start throwing trash on the ground. You politely explain to them that they should not be littering. They reply that doing so is not considered bad where they are from, and they continue walking. Do you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;leave the trash there, feeling bad that there is trash on the ground, but never doing anything about it?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;leave the trash there, but come back later to clean it up?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;pick it up, right then and there, and say to them, &quot;If you want to throw trash on the ground back home, then fine. But here, that's not acceptable. So I will throw this stuff out when we get back to my place.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address certain questions / statements left in comments on this answer that have since disappeared:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The tip is entirely optional&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying that the tip is optional is correct only in a technical sense, at least here in the U.S., because you are not forced to leave it (although that is not always true: as I mentioned above, sometimes gratuity is included in the bill). But in practice, a tip of 15% of the pre-tax total is an assumed part of the transaction, especially in places where there is a two-tiered minimum wage and wait staff are paid less than the standard minimum wage ( &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.epi.org/publication/gradually-eliminating-the-two-tiered-wage-system-for-tipped-workers-in-new-york-will-improve-working-conditions-and-wages-for-tipped-workers-across-the-state/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Gradually eliminating the two-tiered wage system for tipped workers in New York will improve working conditions and wages for tipped workers across the state&lt;/a&gt; ). While I agree that the two-tier system is unfair and should be eliminated, the fact that it exists indicates the degree to which tips are an assumed part of the cost (when being waited on).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do you support employers who don't pay their employees enough?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a flawed view of the situation. I am supporting the employees. Me not going to a restaurant would most likely suggest to the owner that I don't like what they have to offer instead of it being a protest about the working conditions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why don't you protest by not leaving a tip?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because not leaving a tip has no chance of being an effective protest. All it does is force someone to spend some amount of time performing work that they won't get paid for. People who don't leave a tip are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; &quot;standing up for what is right&quot; (regardless of how they have romanticized such actions in their heads); they are just jerks who didn't bother to ask the wait staff how the system works, and what effect that action would have, before proceeding to underpay someone who is most likely already not highly paid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not convinced? Just ask a few people (who wait on tables) in a few different places how thankful they are that you refuse to tip. Explain how you support their cause, and are fighting the system, and see if they get all teary-eyed while shaking your hand and/or giving you a big hug for being so understanding, enlightened, and brave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference, please read the following two answers (at least the first one) to the question, &quot;What happens if you don’t tip your waiter in the U.S.?&quot;, on Quora:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.quora.com/What-happens-if-you-don%E2%80%99t-tip-your-waiter-in-the-U-S/answer/Patrick-Barton-13&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Patrick Barton's answer&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.quora.com/What-happens-if-you-don%E2%80%99t-tip-your-waiter-in-the-U-S/answer/Maryam-Shaikh-11&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Maryam Shaikh's answer&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17678" LastEditorUserId="17678" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T16:21:03.887" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T16:21:03.887" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17977" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-26T19:38:24.223" Score="13" ViewCount="1626" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've got a wonderful boyfriend who I can very openly communicate with. We've been together half a year, but we've been friends for years before that. I'm in my early twenties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far we have handled all difficult discussions with ease, but I'm still scared about approaching him with this topic. We both made very, very clear that we don't want children right now as we're busy with our lives. We often fantasize about the future and how we want to spend our lived together but neither of us ever mentions children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We both don't like (most) children, get annoyed by toddlers and despise babies. Yet, I like the thought of maybe raising a kid one day, like two decades from now (in my late thirties). MAYBE. I'm faithful that when I start talking about this topic, we'll end up agreeing on it, like with so many other things. But I don't know how to bring this up without seeming like I want children. I could just ask assuming the negative - &quot;Do you ever want to have children?&quot; but I'd rather be more neutral.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask my boyfriend about his preference regarding children without him making assumptions about my own?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21280" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-27T16:39:29.803" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T13:29:24.350" Title="How to approach my Boyfriend on his opinion about having children eventually?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17977" CreationDate="2018-08-26T20:22:08.863" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would hazard a guess that a great many people don't want, or aren't ready to have, children in their early 20's. That's not to say that this isn't something worth thinking about, and it's pretty definitely a conversation worth having long before making long term commitments, but a great many people probably aren't ready to &lt;em&gt;settle down&lt;/em&gt; and raise a family at that age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I started raising children in my late teens, and spent most of my adulthood doing that, but even then I didn't/don't want children of my own... This became a major bone of contention in a few relationships over the years and even contributed to the end of a couple. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The decision to have children, or not, is one of those huge life changing decisions that change every decision making process thereafter. &lt;strong&gt;It's honestly not something that people should be talked into or out of.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When talking to a partner about the desire to have children at some distant point in the future, it's probably a good idea to be clear about the timeline that you have in mind. Make it clear that you don't want children in the next few years, but that it's something that you'd like to consider in your late 30's. Keeping the timeline in the conversation will likely be important, a great many of those people who aren't ready to &lt;em&gt;settle down&lt;/em&gt; and raise children in their early 20's will be ready in their 30's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand... Some folks just don't want to raise children, and that's every bit as valid a decision and it should be respected. These conversations shouldn't be ultimatums. While you may not want to have a long term relationship with someone with different life goals, &lt;strong&gt;you really don't want to raise a child with someone who isn't 110% on-board either.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With all of that said...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've only been dating for 6 months in your early 20's, it may be better to put a pin in that conversation for a little while. You've got a lot of time to make up your mind, and this is most definitely not a conversation or a decision that needs to be, or should be rushed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take a little more time to figure out what you want out of life, what you want out of a life together, and how compatible you two are as a couple; before looking at how compatible you two will be as parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-08-26T20:22:08.863" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17977" CreationDate="2018-08-26T20:25:08.317" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with @apaul (comments) &lt;code&gt;... a very different conversation at 20 than at 30-35.&lt;/code&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a guy, be direct and straight-forward with him. Don't try to sugar coat it -- this is an important &quot;life to determining&quot; question for both of you.  You will get as much (or more) from &lt;em&gt;HOW&lt;/em&gt; he answers, as you will from the answer itself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should go without saying, but... &lt;code&gt;timing is everything.&lt;/code&gt; In my experience, the middle of a TV Show, movie, sports event is not likely to have his complete attention on the topic. Similarly, the moment either of you walk in the door from work/school.  Pick a time you both can be fully engaged in the conversation.  If he's up for a walk or a casual dinner, perhaps would be a good time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understand that this is not a discussion, nor a precursor to an argument, that is to say, regardless of his response, don't argue -- he (as you) are entitled to your respective desires and life plans. Be accepting of his answer &lt;em&gt;ESPECIALLY&lt;/em&gt; if it is counter to your desires, and &lt;em&gt;YOU&lt;/em&gt; make &lt;em&gt;YOUR&lt;/em&gt; plans accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One other thing to understand is that at 20ish, (the collective) you are more likely than not to change your mind(s) in the next 4-6 years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, dodging the question is an answer.  If he's willing to spin around this question, how will he spin around other life-event question?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20645" LastActivityDate="2018-08-26T20:25:08.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17981" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17848" CreationDate="2018-08-26T21:04:14.660" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;All humanity is ignorant most of the time, and if not at this moment then soon enough.  We gamble on studying things worth knowing, but often find out too late it's that one thing missed, or something never suspected, which mattered more.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's usually no need to fight fire with fire, or teaching with teaching.  The real question is whether you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; know about &lt;em&gt;X&lt;/em&gt; or if it's optional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If it's something you agree you ought to know,  say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't know that.  All this time I'd thought parking brakes were ejector seat levers.  It helps explain a lot of things I never&#xA;  understood before.  Thanks for setting me straight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...or, in an environment where such a confession might be hazardous,&#xA;use only one word:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Oh.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if that's not enough:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well that's interesting, I'll definitely be planning to brush up on that soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the information seems to be about something you've tried but&#xA;disliked or found uninteresting, say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I really tried to watch Soap Operas once but it just wasn't for me.  My Aunt ____ just loves them, and she always throws&#xA;  a fit about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well I never understood the appeal, and maybe you're right that I've missed out.  Gotta get back to work now, but remind me to ask&#xA;  you more about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may help to flip things around.  Suppose you encounter a colleague, (and let's say it's a subordinate colleague), who doesn't know anything at all about something you vehemently hope they should.   Spontaneously you erupt with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You didn't know &lt;strong&gt;that&lt;/strong&gt;?  How is that even possible?  Etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look over all the users answers for this question and consider which ones the more spontaneous you wouldn't like, and why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6628" LastEditorUserId="6628" LastEditDate="2018-08-27T04:27:18.057" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T04:27:18.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17982" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-26T21:56:54.380" Score="3" ViewCount="651" Body="&lt;p&gt;My aunt asks a lot of questions, some of which come across as invasive or non-constructive. One example is we were planning to meet at a mutual family members house and she kept asking me questions like which route I would take to get there. I eventually asked why and she said &quot;just making conversation&quot;. For me this is slightly annoying because it was coming across as a logistical concern, not &quot;just making conversation&quot;. Other examples, are my mom and dad recently went through a bad divorce and my aunt sometimes asks about his career etc. which I think she may turn into gossip. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another question she frequently asks with for no apparent reason is &quot;where are you?&quot; or &quot;are you home?&quot;. When I answer she usually quickly changes the subject or asks another question. This messes me up because if my plan changes or if I go out, then I'm not sure if I should inform her or if she was just asking for the fun of it. It could happen I waste time playing phone tag to tell her I'm no longer home when it didn't matter in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also add she's a very social person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the best way to approach this? Should I tell her directly, try to deflect the questions or try to change the subject? Is it polite of me to just reply with &quot;why do you ask?&quot; I'm all for &quot;just making conversation&quot; but there's a time and a place for it and I find when talking on the phone it's not a great time. I’m introverted and it kind of stresses me out when people ask random questions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I communicate to her that the copious amount of questions she asks are unwanted, and that she needs to consider what she's asking?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16052" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-08-27T23:27:37.847" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T23:27:37.847" Title="Is there a way to ask a person to not ask so many questions without coming across as rude?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17983" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-26T23:20:41.300" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make your invitation be about enjoying her company, not about working out.  Tell her you like spending time with her and would enjoy her company if she felt like going to the gym with you.  Word it as an invitation rather than a request, with a tone of voice and choice of words that make it clear that it's OK if she doesn't want to go.  You are saying what you would enjoy (her company), and then giving her the freedom to make her own choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says no, or seems hesitant, tell her it's OK (and mean it).  But you can repeat the invitation now and again, with kindness and sincerity and an utter lack of pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you've removed the workout from the request.  It's about spending time with her, and that time would be at the gym, but the gym is not the focus.  The time you spend together is the focus.  Overweight people have to live with constant judgement and with people trying to control their weight for them.  By making your request be about spending time with her, you've made sure that you're not giving her the impression that you, too have fallen into the trap of trying to control her weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing to keep in mind is that the relationship between exercise and weight loss is complicated and not clear cut.  Exercising does not guarantee weight loss.  See, for example: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.vox.com/2018/1/3/16845438/exercise-weight-loss-myth-burn-calories&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The science is in: exercise won’t help you lose much weight&lt;/a&gt;.  There are many good reasons to go to the gym, of course--fitness is about much more than just weight.  This is another reason to make sure that your invitation is &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; about spending time with her, and not at all about weight.  If she does go with you, she may not lose any weight, or much weight, so make sure that weight is not the reason you are inviting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11307" LastActivityDate="2018-08-26T23:20:41.300" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17985" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="17986" CreationDate="2018-08-27T00:36:11.420" Score="-9" ViewCount="1018" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sure this is something most frequent internet users have seen at some point in some online interaction; some one pickes a handle, screen-name, or username that just seems to completely undermine anything they could possibly have to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the purposes of the question let's say the username is Trolly McTrollmaster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way of pointing out that no one is likely to take them seriously because they chose a terrible username, without causing undue offense, or escalation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know a name is just a name, but some people... Well, go a little overboard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify, I'm not just picking on someone for a poor choice in name. I usually ignore silly usernames untill someone with a silly username wants to join in on a serious discussion and complains that they're not being taken seriously, or when the username broadcasts an obvious agenda. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-08-27T01:34:51.443" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T01:43:14.173" Title="Challenging someone's choice in username" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17986" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17985" CreationDate="2018-08-27T01:43:14.173" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When it is &quot;my&quot; community - by my own sense of ownership - I message the person right away. Something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your username is not appropriate for our site. Perhaps you meant it as a joke, but it could be painful for many of us. Please change it now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am a mod or admin, I do this by pm and if I am ignored, even for just a few minutes, I'll send a stronger message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know your reasons for choosing that name but it can't be on this site. If you don't change it, you'll be kicked. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I act on that, usually in consensus with my fellow mods and admins. I have done this more than once on a server of mine. Most people do change quickly (sometimes with some embarrassed mumbling about discord and their gamertag) or leave the server. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I'm not a mod it's the same process except I have to message an admin to report the name and say what I've said about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How what about when I don't own the site in any way and don't feel I can take action myself? I would still message the person, but probably more publicly, since I would not be entirely certain that my preferences are the site preferences. I might word that more like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I find your username really inappropriate. Perhaps you meant it as a joke, but it could be painful for many of us. Please change it right away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If others feel the same way, the name may well end up changed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't use any of this for Trolly McTrollface. But names that contain racial slurs, incitements to violence, hateful words for any group of people (even if the person is a member of the group), or just insults in general, I will call out. Also real names that are not yours. (One of my servers attracts people who think it's hilarious to use the names of people who are famously opposed to the aims our groups work for.) You have all the words in the universe for your user name. If you don't want to use your real name, that's cool, but there's no need to be rude or offensive, and being a joke doesn't change that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T01:43:14.173" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-27T02:23:11.830" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Allow me to challenge this one a little. You have decided, seemingly independent of her, that she needs to make a change based on your view of her body. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note: I'm a 300ish lb female-presenting human. I do work out now, but not to lose any weight, I just like the idea of lifting lots of stuff. That said, for years I didn't do a whole lot beyond walking (because I take transit everywhere), and was perfectly healthy by my doctor's metrics and could still do pretty much anything I wanted that didn't have a weight limit, like ziplining etc.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might not be happy with your body, and that's fine, its the meatsack you're stuck with, you're welcome to decide to treat it as you like. But assuming that because &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; think she's overweight, &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; needs to go to the gym and workout and change that, and therefore &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; has to be approached carefully so &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; can convince &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; to do what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; think is right for &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; body seems...not entirely fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's well within her rights to be upset and hurt if you tell her she needs to change herself. Just because she is overweight based on your opinions of what that looks like, doesn't mean it's actually something that actively needs to change - being of larger body proportions doesn't necessarily guarantee that she's not fit, or not healthy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So perhaps, you might want to rethink this - you seem to want to find a way to spend time together in a more active sense, and that's a laudable goal, &lt;em&gt;as long as both people want to do it&lt;/em&gt;. Has she expressed any interest in what you do at the gym? Or has she mentioned any other sort of &quot;active&quot; activity that you might better enjoy, because you're doing it because it's fun and not because you think she needs to lose weight, and therefore pushing her this way is going to make her miserable, and thus potentially resent not only the workouts, but you for making her feel inadequate because she has to do this? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get it - we all want what's best for our partners, but we also need to realize that what we think is best for ourselves is not always best for others. She might have her own very valid reasons for being the size she is, or for not wanting to do the gym thing. You need to respect that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T02:23:11.830" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17989" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17982" CreationDate="2018-08-27T03:24:52.967" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like she might be sticking to the basics of conversation-making - ask a question, then the other person will have to speak. I wonder if she's attempting to bond with you, keep a social norm of light conversation, or is scared of being made uncomfortable by silence. Working out her true motivation will help you meet her goal without the expense of having to answer her quiz.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way is to re-direct the conversation to herself. Ask her what she thinks. If she's asking about your route, you can say you're not sure yet and ask which way she would go. If she's asking about your father's career, you can say he's fine and ask after hers. This way all the pressure of talking is removed from you and she gets to feel highly valued.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're quite close, or become quite close, I think you could actually talk to her specifically about your issue of feeling stressed when asked many questions, but it's probably not necessary if she isn't heavily involved in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21287" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T03:24:52.967" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17992" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17982" CreationDate="2018-08-27T06:04:34.447" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she's &amp;quot;just making conversation&amp;quot; then you could make conversation, by giving her non-responsive answers. If she persists, thus making it clear that she's not just making conversations, you could walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Which route are you taking?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Don't worry, I've got it handled. Hey, have you tried the fruit salad?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;No, but, are you taking I-5 or the coast road?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;It's got watermelon, cantaloupe, and...I think it's kiwi.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I was talking about your route.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Or maybe pear. I'm going to ask Mom; now I'm curious. Great talking to you.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;How is your father coping with the divorce? Is it affecting his work?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Hey, how's your job at the nursery going?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I was talking about your father.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I heard that landscaping is going through a boom lately. Is that true?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Your father. Is your mother harassing people at his work place?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I've been thinking of putting in some rosebushes. Hey, I need a drink. Great talking to you!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is sometimes referred to as the &amp;quot;bean dip method&amp;quot; or the &amp;quot;pass the bean dip&amp;quot; approach. The &amp;quot;original&amp;quot; post describing this method seems to be one by Joanne Ketch that is no longer available, but some other links:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://livinganyway.com/wp/2015/02/06/the-bean-dip-response-companion-to-the-spoon-theory/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://livinganyway.com/wp/2015/02/06/the-bean-dip-response-companion-to-the-spoon-theory/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/09/27/handling-the-grandparents-unsolicited-parenting-advice/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/09/27/handling-the-grandparents-unsolicited-parenting-advice/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://twolittlegrasshoppers.com/tag/the-bean-dip-method/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://twolittlegrasshoppers.com/tag/the-bean-dip-method/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you're reasonably confident that the person is well-meaning, you could also try a little gentle direct pushback:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Aunt Jane, is there a specific reason why you need to know these things? I'm getting a little overwhelmed by all the questions and would like to discuss something else&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's someone that you deal with all the time and you can be direct with, you could be direct:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Joe, you ask a lot of questions. I know it's just who you are, but sometimes there are just too many. So from now on, I'm going to tell you when you're over quota on questions, OK?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which sets you up for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;OK, so I-5. And then are you going to take exit 35 or 37? Do you think you'll go to In N Out or Chiles?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Joe. You're over quota.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works well for me with my guy and close friends--when an issue is pre-discussed, with a key phrase (&amp;quot;over quota&amp;quot;) (&amp;quot;no movie snark&amp;quot;), it's fairly easy to shut the issue down in the moment. My theory is that once the issue is understood once, ideally in a calm moment, it's easier to dredge that understanding up from memory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T18:34:39.373" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17993" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18008" CreationDate="2018-08-27T07:22:00.013" Score="34" ViewCount="9356" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm asking on behalf of friends of mine who have a daughter who is diagnosed with &quot;high functioning&quot; autism. Let's call her Jane.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane went to a regular primary school but couldn't learn in this rather chaotic environment and had to repeat her first grade. She changed schools and has attended a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montessori_education&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Montessori School&lt;/a&gt; for 2 years now. The concept of this type of school is that students are never forced to learn, but encouraged instead. They learn in mixed classes so the fast learners can learn with the older students and the slow learners can repeat lessons until they understand them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane is a good and fast learner, but until now she doesn't see any use in practicing reading. She is 9 years old and attending the third grade. If her reading skills don't improve until the end of this school year, she gets transferred to a special-needs school. We want to prevent this at all costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jane knows the alphabet and is capable of reading texts if she's forced to do so (&quot;You can only have a cookie if you read the name on the cookie box&quot;). She reads very slowly and at the skill level of a first grader. Since her school never forces her to do anything, she doesn't get regular practice at school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ways we tried to encourage her that failed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;General explanations like &quot;You need to read the street signs&quot; or &quot;You cannot order food if you cannot read the menu&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Any kind of threat like &quot;You won't be able to learn because the interesting stuff is written in books&quot; or &quot;People will think you are stupid&quot;. (Of course, we don't tell her that constantly. It's just one thing we tried once and her reply was basically &quot;I don't care what other people think about me, so I don't need to read.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If we try to force her to read, she reacts petulant and stubborn. It generally goes like this: we are playing a board game together and tell her &quot;To know what to do next, you need to read this sentence on the game board&quot;. She becomes petulant, walks away and prefers playing alone with her toys.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Age-appropriate books for reading practices. She generally finds them boring and childish and never sticks with them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Read a good night story to mommy. Again, she becomes petulant and aggravated and is kept from sleep for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Interactive fairytales on a tablet computer. Since the tales are read out loud, there is no need for her to read the text. If the tales are not read out, she has no interest at all in it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Transferring her back to a regular primary school is not an option.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;How can I be encouraging Jane to practice her reading, even if she doesn't recognize any use in it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T06:37:41.793" LastActivityDate="2020-03-18T09:12:49.840" Title="How to encourage a child with autism to practice reading?" Tags="&lt;children&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;parenting&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17994" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-27T07:40:44.963" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not to stray too far into parenting but I had a similar problem with learning reading comprehension at a young age. My primary motive for not reading much was the same too: I was uninterested in what I was being shown.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where the key to the answer lies. You need to find a topic that Jane is interested in. There are likely to be a few where she's &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; interested in. This is the perfect in to give her a book about it and then help her reading it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had exactly the same issue. It takes my interest to learn something. I was able to get proficient at reading because my aunt gave me several books about topics I was very interested in, and suddenly I had a very good motivation to learn it. After that kick starting period I became quite enamored with reading books as absorbing the information became quite addictive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say she's a good and fast learner, which is typical for her condition. It's also typical she'll be very hard to motivate. Use her areas of interest to get her invested in the activity you want her to practice. Knowledge begets the thirst for more knowledge, so if you really pique her interest, the skills associated with it will quickly develop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T07:40:44.963" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17995" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-27T08:48:56.000" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Allthough I am not a parent I am diagnosed with PDD-NOS, an autism spectrum disorder, so I think I can try and give an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this might not be the complete case I think it might have something to do with interest. You mentioned how she thinks books are boring and childish. The cause of this is that the contents of the books probably do not seem interesting enough to her. For example if something does not interest me I have to put in a lot of energy and focus to even try doing it. This is one of the actual symptoms of having a disorder in the autism spectrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the answer to your question is finding out what interests her and making her read about that. Let's say she likes animals a lot, you could try and give her a book about animals. If this does not work try giving her a book that is harder to read (above the expected level for someone her age). While this might sound counterproductive it could be that normal books are too easy and the slow reading etc. could be caused by disinterest and by reading slow she might hope you give up wanting her to read. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So while it seems she reads at a certain level it might actually be different 'in her head' so to speak and she is just trying to avoid having to read by making others 'bored' of it or by showing her boredom with it this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned she is a fast learner, so it is certainly possible you'll have to try and find something that interests her so she can find enjoyment in reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21295" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T08:48:56.000" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-27T09:47:51.623" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I've done with my daughter that did not like to read is to encourage her with carrots, not sticks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First I would &lt;strong&gt;sprinkle around the house small notes&lt;/strong&gt; written &quot;Ice cream&quot; or &quot;hot chocolate&quot;. When she would find them and bring them to me, I'd serve all the children what she had found. &lt;strong&gt;But&lt;/strong&gt; this depended on her older sister playing along and not helping her. Luckily her older sister is gifted and understood the purpose of the cards, so that was not an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, I would read books along with her, but &lt;strong&gt;change some things&lt;/strong&gt;. When she would catch me changing things, I would encourage her. Often a tickle - or letting her tickle me - was encouragement enough to get her to read along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I would read the same simple books that I gave her to read on her own. I could then discuss with her what we read, and make lots of jokes. Very importantly, I would &lt;strong&gt;start &quot;misunderstanding&quot; things&lt;/strong&gt; in the books, and have her explain to me what I misunderstood. That improved her reading comprehension considerably, not to mention her intrinsic motivation to &lt;strong&gt;catch daddy being wrong&lt;/strong&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7726" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T09:47:51.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="17999" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17977" CreationDate="2018-08-27T11:55:35.163" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I were in your shoes in our early twenties.  Then when we were about 30, my wife said something like...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When we're old, do you want our kids to come visit us at Christmas?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, that was very effective on me.  I couldn't imagine old age without grown children.  Now we have four kids, aged 7--14.  It's a busy life but I wouldn't trade it for the alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise that you not wait too long.  After having your first child, there is a good chance that you will want another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So my advise is... ask him if he wants to have grown children when he is an old man.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8524" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T11:55:35.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-27T14:11:17.537" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I be encouraging Jane to practice her reading, even if she doesn't recognize any use in it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to convince someone to practice an activity that they don't see a benefit to, is to show them the benefits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My son (just started second grade) is much the same as your daughter.  He does not show any interest in learning how to read, and gets frustrated when we push him to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our approach has become a mixture of compromises and natural consequences.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The compromises revolve around rewarding voluntary reading activities, while allowing him to opt out if he is not interested.  For example, he likes having stories read to him at bed time.  So now he has a choice: he can read a story to us, and we will then read a story to him; or he can skip a story at bedtime if he doesn't feel like reading.  He does skip some nights, but most of the time he is willing to read in order to be read to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The natural consequences are focused on pointing out places where an inability (or unwillingness) to read interferes with him doing what he wants to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Video games frequently have instructions.  When he plays them, he tends to immediately click past the instructions, which leads to frustration when he doesn't know what to do.  We are working to reinforce that when he clicks through an instruction, he is missing important information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he wants to watch TV (on-demand streaming services), we remind him that if he wants to search for something, he needs to spell the name to search for it, and if he isn't sure what he wants to watch, he can read the titles and descriptions to decide if what he wants is there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At restaurants, he has to read the menu in order to know what to order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you've tried something similar to this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;General explanations like &quot;You need to read the street signs&quot; or &quot;You cannot order food if you cannot read the menu&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd be interested to hear what happened when you tried it.  My son sometimes moves on to something else, for example deciding that he is no longer hungry, but persistence and consistency has paid off for us.  He no longer seems to resist the idea.  Perhaps it is because he no longer is fighting against our attempts to push him into doing something he doesn't want to.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Jane pushes back and just stops showing interest in an activity once she understands that she'll have to read to participate, I suggest holding firm, and don't make accommodations (such as reading from the menu for her).  At the same time, don't turn it into a punishment.  Agree to let her get a meal after you leave the restaurant (even if it isn't exactly what she wants), or let her stop playing the game (but by all means continue to play without her, if practical).  The idea is that she can decide whether to read or not, but that you are not going to go out of the way to do read for her.  If she wants you to read for her, then obviously reading has some value; otherwise, she'll just have to be inconvenienced unless she decides it's worth the effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is worth noting that we combine this with a general approach of trying to get him more interested in things that require reading.  For example, we take him to the comic book store and help him find comics on topics that he enjoys.  We will then buy them for him if he agrees that he will read them himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2185" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-08-27T22:24:54.823" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T22:24:54.823" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-27T15:20:35.613" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;What isn't working&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Pushing&lt;/em&gt; Jane towards reading isn’t working. It is likely that it sets up an oppositional dynamic with the adults around her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To date she has &lt;em&gt;defensively&lt;/em&gt; insisted that she doesn’t care what people think or how the board game goes. She can’t back down from that stance without feeling vulnerable, if she drops her defence the adults ‘win’ and she loses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that this isn’t the moment for either overt rewards or for appeals to logic, or indeed anything that draws attention to whether she is reading or not. It might well be the time to be sneaky and give her space to back down from that stance without remark.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider how you might use subtly set up circumstances where she can &lt;strong&gt;drift&lt;/strong&gt; towards reading of her own volition, such that she doesn’t think anyone else is involved. It &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; interpersonal skills, but the trick may be to make the involvement of the adults concerned as invisible to her as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First have a think about whether anything is undermining the message that reading is a good and normal thing&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Does she see adults around her reading for pleasure? Does she hear&#xA;them talking to each other about what they read?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Are there reading materials lying about the place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Are there often other diversions and attention catchers available to&#xA;her? Is the TV or radio often on, can she watch DVDs on demand, play&#xA;games on a tablet etc?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In much the way that relieving insomnia requires good ‘&lt;em&gt;sleep-hygiene&lt;/em&gt;’, getting over not-reading may require good ‘&lt;em&gt;entertainment hygiene&lt;/em&gt;’.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where Sleep hygiene requires limiting exposure to activities which compete with your ability to sleep, entertainment hygiene would require limiting exposure to and accessibility of competing audio/visual inputs or activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Environment&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aim to create a situation where, whether it is for an hour or so every evening or a couple of evenings a week; other entertainments are not activated. I don’t mean make a big production about turning off the television and announcing ‘now we shall have reading time’, just don’t turn it on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If necessary start with a very short period and don’t be afraid to stage manage it at first if that helps to break old habits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At a time when the TV, radio or computer would usually be switched on, something like this could happen:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adult 1: who might already be reading some fiction&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;can we just leave it off for a few minutes while I finish reading&#xA;this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adult 2: picking up their own book&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No worries&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After 10-15 minutes or whatever seems good:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adult 1: putting aside book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for that, I was just at the bit where the dinosaurs had the&#xA;aliens cornered&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(or whatever floats your boat but might plausibly pique Jane’s curiosity too.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adult 2: looking up enthusiastically&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, I loved that bit, wait until you get to… Oh, no I’d better not&#xA;say… spoilers!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then the TV goes on and things carry on as usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But &lt;strong&gt;don’t&lt;/strong&gt; immediately suggest that Jane read too. Just make sure there are things around that she &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; read if she felt like it but maybe stuff that the adults also read.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;'Age appropriate' materials&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my first answer I focused on the type of reading material which had captured my reading imagination, but that wasn’t about interpersonal skills and I’ve deleted it. But one of the things I spoke about was some of the reading material I enjoyed at the time I was getting over my own ‘Jane-like’ reading resistance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having eventually had my reading imagination captured by cartoon strips about a girl called &lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/EpH9O.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Beryl the Peril&lt;/a&gt; who was anti-establishment,  not 'childish', who made things happen if she was bored and who often got the better of her parents (she didn't much mind any punishments). I spend half my pocket money on Peanuts books, moving onto BC and more recently all of Calvin and Hobbes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What those have in common is that they are accessible without being 'childish' or even 'for' children and though individual strips often stand alone, there is a world and often a wider story arc linking them. In Charlie brown, Linus, Calvin and Snoopy, there is a lot for a self-sufficient, imaginative or or not-one-of-the-crowd child to identify with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So,  as an adjunct to the IP skills of leading by example and creating a conducive environment and de-emphasising the necessity of reading, my suggestion would be to look for some kind of longer form comic strip. I'm not sure what's available in comic books in your country, whether there are things that aren't all super heroes, but look for something that isn't just the four-frame funnies. Look out for a full page 15-20 frame strips with room for some story development in each tale, a wider story/world arc and perhaps published weekly or fortnightly so that it comes as a drip feed, building anticipation. &lt;strong&gt;But here's the thing&lt;/strong&gt;, don't tell Jane you got them for &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; to practice reading on, just have the adults read them themselves, quibble over whose turn it is, laugh while reading them, be seen to enjoy them!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not familiar with graphic novels, but there might be good characters to be found in that section of the bookshop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;TL:DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don’t try to push Jane into the pool while you are all at the edge, let her see you all splashing about and leave some water wings handy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T15:20:35.613" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17982" CreationDate="2018-08-27T17:48:14.033" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can try non-committal answers, followed by asking her a related question.  For example, if she asks what route you are going to take, you can say you haven't decided yet.  If she asks about your Dad's career, you can say you haven't heard any news, but maybe she should ask your Dad.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can follow up with a question of your own that's related to hers: &quot;When was the last time you visited cousin Mary (assuming you are meeting at Mary's)&quot;.  Or &quot;Speaking of careers, how is your work in real estate going?&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she really just wants to chat, giving her a chance to talk about something she is interested in should get her going and stop the flow of questions.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's trying to be nosy, then you'll have to fall back on being non-committal till she gives up.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T17:48:14.033" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18005" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-27T18:16:12.473" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm gonna go counter to the other answers; most are focusing on &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; to ask her to the gym, I'm gonna focus on &lt;em&gt;whether you should&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been there: you love someone so much that it hurts to see them not take care of them self. More than once I've lost relationships because I pushed someone I loved against their insecurities and broke their trust. It's especially tricky when the person you love struggles with self-esteem because it's so easy to send them into a spiral of self-doubt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She is somewhat overweight ... At the moment her lifestyle is quite sedentary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you mean well and you're trying hard not to make this seem like judgment and body-shame, but is it? I suspect that if she chooses to see it that way, well ... she won't be entirely wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, you are looking for ways to talk her into something that you suspect she won't respond well to. If she chooses to see that as manipulation, well ... she won't be entirely wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone's been there, especially if there are self-esteem issues at play, you need to be really &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; careful around things that can be perceived as manipulative / judgmental.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I actually think if she got into it it would increase her self-esteem&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't. It's not your job to think for her. &lt;strong&gt;As her boyfriend, your job, above all else, is to be her cheerleader not her coach.&lt;/strong&gt; That's how she'll come to trust that she can be herself and tell you anything without fear of judgment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be comfortable with the person she is and find aspects of that to be genuine about celebrating. If she decides to take up a physical activity, celebrate and praise like crazy, but I would advise against trying to change her or manipulate her into it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3101" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T18:16:12.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-27T19:20:41.050" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know much about autism, but my sister was diagnosed with dyslexia at a young age. She had a very hard time learning to read. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our parents were told to try and instill in her a love of books and stories by reading to her aloud and listening to books on tape. They were told to read books above her own reading comprehension level which would still hold her interest. Books included the Nancy Drew series, Little House on the Prairie, Ann of Green Gables, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she was slightly older, in middle school, school was becoming harder and reading became more of a chore again. Luckily, there was a teenager at a local bookstore who knew a lot of good YA novels and would recommend new ones to my sister every summer so she kept reading things she liked in a non-school environment. She did this all through middle and high school, and my sister continues to read for fun even as an adult, although it is still more difficult for her than it would for someone without a learning disability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is, the physical act of reading can be hard, but if she's interested enough in the content of the story, she will see the value in books eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21314" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T19:20:41.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18008" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-27T20:05:37.653" Score="81" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;FULL DISCLOSURE:  I am a high functioning autistic&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Three things come into play with autism that I see here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rigid thinking&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Routine&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Obsessiveness&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By trying to force her to read, they've run aground by #1.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will never win a battle of wills with someone who has autism.  The rigidity is a brick wall you will run against.  Trying to force an autistic to do something is like trying to hold onto water by tightening your grip.  You can't force, you need to negotiate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she has no routine that includes reading, they've run aground by #2.  Since the school never got her into a routine, she sees no purpose, and since it's now a disruption of her schedule, and not a part, she's seeing this as a painful disruption, if not an outright punishment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Which brings us to 3, which is the key.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that is &lt;strong&gt;VERY COMMON&lt;/strong&gt; in autistics, is an obsessiveness with narrow interests.  I got interested in atomic theory at the age of 9, learned everything I could, and had a college level of knowledge within a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find an interest that she's obsessed with, and bring her books on the subject, she will likely consume them with fervent dedication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find out what she's interested in, buy her books on that subject, tell her that she can learn all about it in the books, then let her talk all about it after she reads. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Play &lt;strong&gt;TO&lt;/strong&gt; the autism, not against it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right now, the rigid thinking has kicked in.  Reading has no purpose for her, so it is a waste of time.  If it benefits her then it has a purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user4548" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T20:05:37.653" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-27T21:27:12.543" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've heard this method suggested to parents to encourage kids to read:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start by reading a book to her, something a bit longer and with a really engaging storyline. Read on a daily basis (or whatever) to her to really get her interested in the book and make a habit of leaving the book somewhere accessible for the kid. Start ending the reading sessions on cliffhangers. The theory is that the kid will be curious enough about what happens that they pick the book up on their own to find out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option: Have sticker-charts and the like been tried? I mean... there is nothing wrong with some useful bribery. It sets up some sort of &quot;instant&quot; &quot;reward&quot; for reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How about teaching her to navigate with a paper-map and having her give directions while driving by reading the street names? It gives her control (over where the car is going) and also real-world consequences (oh no! we took a wrong turn!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something a bit out of the box: What about texting or something similar? Maybe a cheap cell phone or tablet to keep in touch with friends or parents? Or perhaps child-friendly games that have some textual interaction or key components that requires reading? I think &quot;Zoombinis&quot; was a game I enjoyed around that age as a kid. It had a lot of pattern-matching but also involved reading puzzle directions and the like. In this case, the game is not FOCUSED on reading, but (very) small sections of reading are the means to an end. Heck, even a game like Pokemon could be decent (especially if she likes the cartoons?). Lots of text in that, but reading is FAR from the &quot;goal&quot; of the game so it might not feel so &quot;forced&quot; to her. Even something like Mario Odyssey on the Switch has some instruction in text-format. Actually, basically all games with a story line have instruction and story in text-format. Phone games like &quot;Cut the Rope&quot;, &quot;Candy Crush&quot;, etc don't though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest though, I think it largely comes down to finding something to motivate the kid: A good storyline they can't resist finishing, some sort of bribe or reward, life consequences, a fun activity that involves reading, etc. The easiest and most enduring will probably be to find something they LIKE - maybe it is stories about robots or faeries or dragons, maybe biographies (in which case, try James Herriot - its mostly child appropriate and funny), maybe non-fic books like &quot;how tos&quot; or about how things are made. Maybe its books about one really really specific niche topic. Maybe it turns out that they LOVE story-driven RPG video games or comics/manga. Maybe they want to MAKE robots, in which case learning basic programming would be the motivation. Maybe she would be interested in learning how to use Google to find the answers to questions she has. It is a matter of FINDING that motivation - and I think the only way to do that is to talk to her and find out what they actually like (which may take a good deal of trial and error).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I re-read the OP and it doesn't seem as if anyone reads TO her. That would be the number one suggestion: Read to her. Read to her daily and have her situated somewhere that she can easily see the book while reading and trace your finger under the word being read. It will draw her eye to the words and start creating stronger sound-word-meaning associations. You may find she is reading along eventually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2397" LastActivityDate="2018-08-27T21:27:12.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18010" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-27T22:32:00.700" Score="4" ViewCount="490" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have a brand new CFO (yay!) and he's a very successful businessperson with a down to earth personality. He's been with the team for 2 months, and has some wildly successful ideas that have really helped the whole team. I sort of aspire to be like him, and am shooting for further managerial responsibility and hope to one day have a C-suite position. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to ask him to be a mentor to me and help me to further my own career. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask the new CFO to be my mentor going forward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2012" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T09:06:54.323" Title="How can I tell the new CFO that I'd like him to be a mentor?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18012" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-28T00:42:39.640" Score="14" ViewCount="2086" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Me&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in a large city and have done so my whole student life and now career. I studied science at university and have two degrees. Through work and studies, I've lived a large chunk of my life abroad so speak French and German fluently and to an outsider, I'd probably be seen as a &amp;quot;metropolitan liberal&amp;quot;. I like to discuss things: I can discuss a topic for hours, probably even enjoy a conversation with someone who disagrees with me, rather than someone who shares exactly the same opinion, so we can share different points of view. Due to that,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I rarely make statements with full certitude and do not mind showing a bit of doubt in my claims. Although that could be seen as lack of confidence, actually I'm fairly confident in what I know/don't know. In general, I'm more of a listener than a talker but enjoy talking about matters that I feel I have something useful to share about i.e. I'm not the kind of person that dominates a conversation but when I have something important to say, you'll hear from me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I struggle to tolerate stereotypes and generalisations, I think that most things in life are more nuanced and that understanding the general characteristics of a country or a person is important but that deep understanding requires a more nuanced approach. In the same way, I'm not entirely against talking about conspiracy theories and similar. They can be &amp;quot;entertaining&amp;quot; but that if you want to suggest that the Americans didn't land on the moon, you certainly can't make such a statement with more confidence than anyone can make a statement that they did: science is as much about determining what you don't know than it is about what you know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;My father&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father is very different, he left school and home at 17. He's a smart, switched-on man so I think he has always been keen to prove his knowledge: he likes quizzes and general trivia, reading up on things: he's a fan of popular &amp;quot;science&amp;quot; books. He lives in a small town. He may be described as someone who &amp;quot;likes the sound of his own voice&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He likes to make bold statements and gets very frustrated if anyone questions anything he states. As he doesn't have a &amp;quot;traditional&amp;quot; education, I sometimes feel he tries to replace it with trivia, popularized science and has a thing for conspiracy theories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, my father may talk about a conspiracy theory in which a coincidence is seemingly so &amp;quot;unbelievable&amp;quot; that it proves some dark forces are behind it, when in effect it can be explained through general probability i.e. an event that has a 1 in 5000 chance of happening, if it happens, is nothing more than a funny coincidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The Problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time I will just avoid even talking when my father starts talking about such matters as I know that he doesn't really want to hear anything I have to say. He just wants someone to nod along. But even when staying quiet, &lt;strong&gt;he will throw in a few personal attacks like &amp;quot;You university-educated people wouldn't understand this&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;People like you from the metropolitan elite, disconnected from reality, can't understand this&amp;quot;, which makes it difficult to stay quiet.&lt;/strong&gt; Remaining quiet doesn't seem to work for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I'm aware that someone who keeps interjecting and weakening someone's statements is very annoying, I will very rarely, if at all, &amp;quot;temper&amp;quot; his statements like that but on occasion, I feel the need to provide a more nuanced view. Whenever I make a reply that presents a slightly different perspective, it will annoy him incredibly. For example, he may say that Americans all have right-wing views apart from the &amp;quot;metropolitan elite&amp;quot; of course, and having lived in Vermont, I will mention that the State tends to be on the left side of the political spectrum, and he'll be very annoyed. On the few occasions that I have felt strongly enough to present a completely opposing view, this has been enough for us to fall out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has put me down in front of my wife and family in the past and to avoid conflict I've had to just stay quiet. I think he is aware of that and exploits it. On one occasion when I pointed out that he was being disrespectful he jokingly said that he's allowed to be disrespectful as he's my father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sometimes wonder that if I paid less attention to what he was actually saying and then just steered the conversation in the direction I wanted, there would be fewer opportunities to really disagree on anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I prevent such a person from putting me down during our conversations,  considering that he's my father?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21320" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T09:15:07.080" Title="How do I prevent a &quot;conspiracy theory fan&quot; father from putting me down?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-28T02:58:22.607" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but I really struggle to motivate myself to go and let my gym&#xA;  membership lapse as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just want someone to go down the gym with you, just try to find someone else who will go with you, it sounds like it would be a lot easier and less painful for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your objective is to make your GF lose weight, then stop and actually ask her if she actually wants to lose weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't want to lose weight then don't try to force her to lose weight - accept her as she is. If you don't like her being overweight and you feel the need to change that then you might want to think whether you actually want to be in a relationship with her or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does want to lose weight but doesn't want to go down the gym then find a different way to do it. Pick a physical activity that you can both do and enjoy without thinking about the fact you're losing weight, or perhaps do something in private so she doesn't have to worry about a load of strangers passing judgement on her, e.g. get a rowing machine or a treadmill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think it would be good for both me and her to go to the gym&#xA;  regularly and I actually think if she got into it it would increase&#xA;  her self-esteem a lot and reduce the insecurity&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd be interested to know why you think this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Insecurity about appearance doesn't come from being stereotypically ugly, it comes from fear of other people's opinions and fear of judgement by society for not being stereotypically attractive. Some people can look as stereotypically pretty as possible and still be insecure about their appearance. Often the best answer is not to change one's appearance, but to change one's outlook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I qualify 'stereotypically' here, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. People find different features attractive, i.e. there are people who find overweight people attractive and skinny people unattractive despite that not being the social norm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So how can I go about asking her to be my gym buddy without hurting&#xA;  her feelings, and with a decent chance she'll say yes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To reiterate, you can't make her go unless she actually wants to. You need to ask yourself &quot;why do I want her to do to the gym?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is &quot;for health reasons&quot; then make sure you're not jumping the gun, she might already be adequately healthy, often diet is a bigger contributor to health than how active someone is. If she is unhealthy then you still need to ask if she wants to be healthy (not everyone cares about their health), and if she does then the answer isn't necessarily the gym - you should consult a health professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer to &quot;why do I want her to go to the gym?&quot; is &quot;to improve her self esteem&quot; then consider seeing a psychiatrist/councellor instead. Self esteem problems are usually psychological issues that won't go away just by looking stereotypically attractive. Even stereotypically attractive people can have self esteem issues, self esteem is a psychological phenomenon, not a physical one. Self esteem issues are typically created from a mixture of the internal problem having a negative outlook on life and the external problem of society being judgemental.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course if the answer to &quot;why do I want her to go to the gym?&quot; is &quot;because she's fat&quot; then you really need to reevaluate why you're in this relationship. Getting into a relationship and then trying to change your partner isn't healthy. The point of a relationship is to be with someone you like, not to find someone and then try to turn them into what you want them to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2078" LastEditorUserId="2078" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T22:09:35.890" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T22:09:35.890" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18014" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18015" CreationDate="2018-08-28T04:02:11.193" Score="6" ViewCount="1038" Body="&lt;p&gt;It has come to my attention, that quite a lot of people in my office don't wash their hands after using the restrooms. I'd estimate approximately 30% of people have this habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apart for being utterly disgusting, this is a potentially serious health risk for all other employees, who have to share the same facilities as these people. Poor hand hygiene helps to spread serious illnesses like gastroenteritis, and even hepatitis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know specifically who these people are. I have just very often heard, when I'm in one of the cubicles, others come in, use the toilets, and walk straight out without going anywhere near the hand washing facilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is really starting to make me very uncomfortable at work. It just seems very unfair that I have to use the same shared facilities as people who I know haven't washed their hands after wiping their backsides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I communicate this to others in the company?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2767" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T10:32:34.260" LastActivityDate="2019-07-24T17:04:49.747" Title="How to communicate to work colleagues about the importance of hand hygiene" Tags="&lt;personal-hygiene&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18014" CreationDate="2018-08-28T05:00:12.897" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think  your best shot is to wait for a &quot;special occasion&quot; when the risk of getting a disease because people don't wash their hands are at the highest (like when there is the flu running around).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, choose a sign you would like to be put in the toilet. Signs are good, they are impersonal and a constant reminder. People won't get defensive over a sign but they might over a human. And if they feel accused, they probably won't see your point (that not washing your hands is dangerous).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you choose the sign, be careful to choose one who explains &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; it is important to wash your hands. People don't neglect to wash their hands because they don't care, they think it is a stupid and useless rule which is only there to waste their time. I used to think that too. But if you put a sign that explains &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; washing their hands is important, they might change their mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, for the sign, I will suggest something like that:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/2GAKn.gif&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/2GAKn.gif&quot; alt=&quot;Stop the spread of the flu, wash your hands.&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you have your sign, go to HR, explain that there is a flu running around and that you are concerned that some people &lt;em&gt;forget&lt;/em&gt; to wash their hands (this is important, you don't want to say that people do it in purpose, your HR might be one of the people who don't wash their hands) and are spreading the disease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If HR answer with a categorical no, drop it. You don't want to be on bad terms with HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If HR agrees with you, then you can offer to take care of it. This way, you will be sure that the sign will be put in place within a short period of time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If HR agrees and says they will take care of it but don't, you can try a slight followup. But don't be too insistent, you don't want to be on bad terms with HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A completely different approach would be to ask no one for anything and just put the sign in place (without anyone knowing that it's your doing). But be preprared for it to be removed (and maybe an angry sign/email from HR asking people to not put signs in the toilet).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="17002" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T05:11:59.883" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T05:11:59.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-28T09:27:10.760" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd like to suggest something completely different that may work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My source for this is my own nephew who has high functioning autism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially he went from being one of the worst at spelling to one of the best in about the span of a year, without any increase in actual dedicated reading time and we couldn't work out why, until his mum went on Netflix at their house and the English subtitles were on - it turns out that while watching shows in English, he had still decided to leave the subtitles on, and he was passively picking up reading comprehension as he watched shows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Might I suggest something similar (if this child enjoys watching tv) - feign an issue with your Netflix/DVD player/whatever that causes subtitles to get left on. While it may not increase their desire to read as such, it may at least help solve the problem of improving their reading speed and spelling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11561" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T09:27:10.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18021" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-28T10:10:48.123" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she doesn't see any use in practicing reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone else already said, show her the use. Show it in an aproppriate way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;You need to read the street signs&quot; or &quot;You cannot order food if you cannot read the menu&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume both is not a field of any interest for kids. Think about the aproppriate way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;People will think you are stupid&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another turn off. I would have bet a lot on the response &quot;I don't care what other people think about me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If we try to force her to read, she reacts petulant and stubborn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On this one too :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Age-appropriate books for reading practices. She generally finds them boring and childish&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So why not something she likes more? Find out what that is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what use could there be? Make her curious to read. Show that the whole world is made of text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The TV program.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Something you buy, ice cream without a picture that hints to the taste.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The manual of something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you are out, stop at a sign to read it and comment it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A book you read, generally occupy yourself reading something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she asks things you don't know and have to look them up in the internet or elsewhere. Or things you know but can be a good topic for that...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop the telling tablet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And for all those things, don't read a lot to her. Say she can read that on her own, that is too long to read. But without too much of a hint you're going to lure her into reading. Kids aren't stupid, they will feel that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T10:10:48.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-28T11:19:44.700" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;According to information I have been given...&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An easy way out of situations like this — even allowing some backpedalling — is to not state things as solid fact, but something along the lines of...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;According to information I have been given, not all wines are vegan&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...which then gives you an easy out...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;...so just to play it safe here: thank you, but no thank you.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason for this is that you acknowledge that the information they have — or rather consider themselves to have — may be different than the information you have. This allows for accommodation of having different views on the subject at hand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they then go on to ask for details, you just say...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I do not have all the details unfortunately, but we can go look it up if you like to know more. Would you like that?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This invites them to make a combined effort to find third party information on the subject. Since you are at a stalemate where they (think they have) one piece of information and where you have differing information, you are at a stalemate. The stalemate can then be broken by finding independently sourced information. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also solves the problem you were worried about as coming off as a &quot;know-it-all&quot;. With this you are explicitly saying &quot;Well, I am actually &lt;strong&gt;unsure&lt;/strong&gt;, so you could be right. I am willing to have this arbitrated by finding information from an independent source&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you started along the lines of...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Not all wines are vegan&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...then you can correct that with...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Well, to be fair... &lt;strong&gt;to the best of my knowledge&lt;/strong&gt;, which I freely admit is not perfect, not all wines are vegan.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this you are not stating things as an non-negotiable fact, but as something tenuous, and that can be resolved, if the other party wished to do that. By doing so you are leaving it in their hands if they want to move forwards towards a resolution, or if they are happy with the situation as it is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4227" LastEditorUserId="4227" LastEditDate="2018-08-30T10:47:37.633" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T10:47:37.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18023" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-28T11:24:03.177" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As was mentioned in another answer, humor is a coping mechanism for dealing with a situation/information that we can't really handle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For most people, especially non-vegans, they can't even process the fact that something made from vegetables could not be OK for vegans (and they probably conflate vegan and vegetarian, anyway). It's also rare to find someone who abstains from alcohol for any reason besides being an alcoholic. (I know, because I abstain for religious reasons, and it's fairly confusing. Fortunately I work somewhere right now that is rather accepting of this!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1nYEH6EDwM&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Most people who argue/make fun will immediately stop when you agree with them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a situation like this, when someone says, &quot;What? Not all wines are vegan? That's insane!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best response agrees with them - &quot;I know, right?&quot; (the agreement part), &quot;It is crazy! But it's true!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're in the US you can use a couple of phrases that may be part of common culture:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Strange, but true!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;True story!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For most people, that will be sufficient. If you want, you can follow up with, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But fortunately for me, it doesn't even matter because I've tried alcohol before and don't like the taste/how it makes me feel/etc., so no thank you. (said with a smile).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2308" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-08-28T13:04:55.737" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T13:04:55.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18025" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-28T13:21:26.500" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note: High functioning autist here. Since this is interpersonal and not parenting, I think I have valuable input how to talk to autistic people/children. People who themselves aren't or didn't know any to a high degree often have a lot of problem to understand what an autistic kid needs most of all in their life. That thing is: Structure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Schools for autistic children&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my very rude opinion, having her on a school like that was a huge mistake. If there is one single requirement that helps autistic children get along, it's structure. Structure, structure, and more structure. A school that lacks that is hell, and she'll have to learn how to work all over again. A better school for her would have been one that insists on the exact same schedule of lesson/breaks every day, with the exact same teacher everyday, in the exact same classroom everyday, at the exact same table. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why ? Because she won't have to process the surroundings anymore, which are ever-changing on a Montessori school. She simply won't have any time to catch up with her lessons because there's so much other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution 1: (Easiest for you, but depends on the girl)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for how to have her learn to read - a couple answers here were useful. Finding out her interests is one - let her taste a bit, and if she likes it, tell a bit more. If she continues asking, tell her you don't know, but you'll buy a book for her about it. Then continue to do that. Do NOT coddle her with easy language books. If she doesn't know the meaning of words, give her a dictionary or let her google it. Basically, use her passion for wherever it may be as a goal and reading as the means to get there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll probably have to supply new books later. It's really best for her to let her dive as deep into any chosen subject as she wishes. Especially if it turns out to be something she could make a living out off later. Attempts to broaden the subject can work, but don't press after an initial rejection. For example, if she's obsessed with physics, do offer math books, but don't insist on them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Solution 2: (will work with every autistic child smart enough to comprehend the subject)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you cannot find a single subject (which can happen), structure is the only solution. For example, every day after dinner(which, if life is all about this girl, should be at the exact same time everyday), take an hour to read with her. Even if she's stubborn, force that hour of attention. However, inform her at least one day before this new schedule starts, preferably a week ahead with a couple of reminders. Once in the session, do it in sight of a clock so she can see how long there is left. And once the hour is done, she gets to stop again, unless she wants to continue (she wont, at least not at first). If she's stubborn, stay determined. And be clear about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it the first thing after dinner. Don't delay starting it. I grew up catholic, and the prayer at the end of dinner was the official end. If there is a marker of the end of dinner like that, start immediately after it with her, before things like the dishes. She knows she can't do anything else before it's done, so making her wait longer(by starting later) until she can resume play is cruel. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as it's the same moment every day, of course it doesn't have to be after dinner. As long as it's inside a firm structure, she'll do fine with it, and most of the stubborn refusal will stop in a week after she discovers that attempting to refuse won't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personal experience why this is good&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm from a family of four boys, all of us were autistic. Luckily for us, so was our mom, so she provided the structure we needed without having to actively introduce it. At school, I unlearned how to learn - any pure knowledge subjects were far to easy, and I never had to work. This was a problem later at college - how do you learn ? The solution was simple - set aside a specific environment to work. So at college, I'd do useful things, in between classes or staying longer. Because in my home, I could never manage to actually work on something that didn't have my passion. Why ? Because it's nearly impossible to maintain structure living alone. Staying in the physical college buildings gave me the structure to work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Addendum&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Injecting the reading into daily activities is the wrong thing to do. It'll surprise the girl, and make her dread reading even more. That is another reason for the structure - in exchange for an hour of dedicated activity, she should be free of reading for all the other time she spends at home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not surprising the child is very important for children with autism. Even when she's back on track with reading again, don't just say &quot;we'll stop today&quot;, but instead &quot;as good as this is going, we can stop practicing after another week&quot;. If she seems to enjoy the together time, try and find something else to do together which she would find fun, or which you believe can help her in her development. This is far from out of the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19390" LastEditorUserId="19390" LastEditDate="2018-08-30T08:55:57.170" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T08:55:57.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18026" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18010" CreationDate="2018-08-28T13:26:41.057" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;How close is your working relationship with him?  If it is close, then you can simply ask if he ever considered being a mentor and take the conversation from there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it isn't close, or if he says &quot;no&quot;, you can simply attempt to emulate behaviors and have him become a defacto mentor.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What books does he read?  How much does he read?  What does he do with his spare time?  What periodicals does he read?  What kind of things does he as a key to his success?  Why does he do this or that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking him specific questions about his behaviors might help him be a good mentor and would simplify the process for him.  For example you could ask him:  &quot;what specific advice would you give to a guy in my situation who wanted a c-suite position&quot;.  He might answer:  &quot;get an MBA from a good university&quot;.  That 5 min conversation would lead to an effort that might take 2 years of effort on your part.  It also identifies you as a serious person and the relationship could develop from there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5061" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T13:26:41.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18027" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18010" CreationDate="2018-08-28T14:23:23.140" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ask the same question yourself. Find someone with the same distance in level, who might ask you to help him out. How will you feel about it? What will be the right question? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although in my opinion, being direct and honest is the best approach, it can depends from person to person. If he is a tough one, then you need to work on your behaviour &amp;amp; context first. Several things can help you in preparing the environment like wearing same style/types of clothes, going for lunch at same place etc. When you ask them for help and guidance, you need to be honest and pure. First you need to express your opinion about them, their professionalism and the knowledge they posses. Then based on this, you asks them to guide you through. If you don't feed like being direct, you can ask to be put in the same team/project or things like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was also surprised how people are actually keen to help you, if you asks for it. I have done it in the past, and with those people I still have strong connection. I even feel very comfortable to talk with them on completely different subject or ask them for advice on how they do things in their life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you manage to succeed in establishing close relationship with him, keep that connection forever. Apart from the knowledge, those people are also motivation that can help you build your character further. Best of luck. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21336" LastEditorUserId="21336" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T09:06:54.323" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T09:06:54.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18028" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-28T15:37:31.183" Score="2" ViewCount="414" Body="&lt;p&gt;So a bit of backstory real quick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back in school I was really shy and pretty socially awkward but mostly with people I didn't know really well or wasn't friends with them. Among friends, I was really comfortable. After high school and cutting some toxic people out of my life completely, I have changed a lot. I'm a lot more extroverted in general, I feel really good talking with all sorts of people I don't know and I believe I can handle almost any situation perfectly well, expect breaking in to established groups where I don't know anyone. If I know just one person all is fine, everything come naturally. But when this person is missing , I feel lost and kinda I'm being reminded of myself in the past, which feels kinda horrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast-forward to today, since 3 months ago more or less, I started working at a university laboratory as a intern and being evaluated for starting a doctorate. The whole situation came out of the blue and I feel really lucky for this chance but I also feel like I don't really deserve it, for no particular reason. In addition while I was &quot;accepted&quot; for my doctorate I can't start this year because of a single class I still haven't finished, in my undergraduate studies. While I still work here , I just haven't officially started my doctorate. All this leads us to a weird position. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the first day I felt uncomfortable, cause working at an environment like that was really novel to me .And while most people are young (late 20s , I'm the youngest at 22 )  I wasn't sure how to approach them. I talk with everyone but I feel still fell a bit awkward and distant from everyone. While the vast majority seems like cool people, they have all been working together for a while and I feel a lot like an outsider. In addition , I feel like I'm being given a lot of leeway and a lot of second chances especially considering I didn't manage to finish my bachelor on time and have to wait until next year to start officially. Also two other people who started at the same time as me seem to have integrated much better than me.All of this has caused me a lot of anxiety and made me much more timid and shy , like I used to be in the past, at least at work. At other situations I'm still the same outgoing self, and I'm happy about that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular one day when we all went out to eat and I volunteered to drive. While driving I was much more cheerfull and talkative, than when I was at the lab ,which lead to another co worker (f/28) saying something to the lines of ,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;See even Mikailo , is more outgoing during summer &quot; and  I replied.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah , I am much more tense and shy at the lab than my usual self&quot; to which she said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah, It's just you seem very antisocial and you don't look like you enjoy talking to people.&quot; , which took me by surprise and felt it was really harsh and unwarranted especially considering the tone. I realize I haven't given the warmest of intention but I felt this went too far and it really made me feel horrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time we picked another coworker I met for the first time, friend of hers, who even before leaving the parking area was whispering to her comments about my driving , considering I've heard nothing but praise for my driving , I hardly think it was that bad , it warranted rude criticism , even before leaving the parking area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides the event itself, all this situation made me wonder , if this is how they all see me, and the situation is that bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I really want to ask, are my feelings of &quot;isolation&quot; at work normal and will they go away with time or is my current predicament my &quot;fault&quot; and I should look at fixing my behavior. Also how should I have handled the situation in the car and my further relationship with that person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'm interested and I want to be friends with people here, I just don't think I doing a great job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6115" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T17:00:50.850" Title="Social interactions at work and shyness" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-08-28T18:55:04.840" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18012" CreationDate="2018-08-28T16:44:16.943" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've already learned from past experience that your father isn't interested in opposing viewpoints, and it would seem that you and him have very different ideas about what makes for an interesting conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion would be to disengage from the topic or conversation when he puts you down, or when the conversation moves in a direction where you feel that outcome is likely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could either try to change the topic, or move on entirely to another room, place or activity, while keeping the mood as light as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if your father makes a remark like &quot;you university educated people wouldn't understand this&quot;, you could respond with something like &quot;Maybe not, but what we do understand is how to have a good time! Hey [family/wife/mother/siblings] how about we go [for a walk, watch a show, play a game, get some drinks, etc]&quot;.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or as he's starting in on a topic you know will be one-sided nonsense, use a similar tack before it gets too far along. &quot;Oh I think I've heard about this before, but hey [other person], can you tell us about xyz instead?&quot;  Or maybe &quot;I don't need to hear about this one, I'm going for a walk&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal here is to use your presence and attention as a way of dictating what you are willing and unwilling to sit through from your father. If he is going in a direction of conversation you aren't interested in hearing, or treating you in a way you don't wish to be treated, you disengage and he loses your attention. In this way, you don't have confrontation or conflict, and you don't have to waste time arguing or trying to change his viewpoints.  Obviously the specific way you respond and where you put your attention  instead of giving him your attention will depend a lot on you, your interests, and your family dynamics.  If your father is persistent is his behaviour, it might ultimately mean seeing him a bit less, or spending less time with him directly even when visiting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, I would suggest you give some independent thought to your father and his motivations. I don't know the man so I can only guess from the sparse description you provided, but often those who talk the loudest and with the most forcefullness are covering an insecurity. It may well be that your father is somewhat intimidated by your deeper level of education and that some of these slights and declarations are coming from a place of respect, not that that makes the conversation any more interesting or the slights any less uncalled for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4557" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T16:44:16.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18028" CreationDate="2018-08-28T16:52:02.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel really good talking with all sorts of people I don't know and I believe I can handle almost any situation perfectly well, expect breaking in to established groups where I don't know anyone. If I know just one person all is fine, everything come naturally. But when this person is missing , I feel lost and kinda I'm being reminded of myself in the past, which feels kinda horrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially if the members of the group know each other for a long time, your feelings are normal. I startet my first Job after my apprenticeship a year ago, working together with people that know each other for a long time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can hardly participate in a group conversation, since they are probably talking about topics you don't know much about, or don't even wan't you to talk too much, because they don't know you yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to break the ice for me was to have conversations with individual members of the group. You can start the conversation with the person about something you have heard from him during a group conversation. For example his family, that he likes to visit festivals, plays football ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get to know the people more and more it will be much easier to be part of the conversation. It is however normal that this takes time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah, It's just you seem very antisocial and you don't look like you enjoy talking to people.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people have heard something like this, including myself. Sadly what you think is not always visible to others, so they think differently. There are some basic things to look out for, for example seeking eye contact, standing upright and smiling a bit. What really helped me was to tell myself &quot;I feel good, I like beeing here and am open to talk to people.&quot; during those group conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sentence itself from your co worker is indeed rude to say to you infront of others and I understand your shocked reaction. It is good that she talks with you about it, although it would have been much nicer to say that directly to you, not while other people are listening. You could have asked what makes her think like that, and that you are surprised. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21343" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T16:52:02.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18031" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18028" CreationDate="2018-08-28T17:00:50.850" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;So let me get this straight:  You're 22yo, working with &lt;em&gt;older&lt;/em&gt; [SIC] persons, in a lab, and while not yet working on your doctorate, have your &lt;em&gt;foot in the door&lt;/em&gt;? Sounds to me like: 1) they should be &lt;em&gt;uncomfortable&lt;/em&gt;, and; 2) you are deserving of some high praise for your amazing achievement. Kudo's to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Comparing yourself to others is inherently unfair to you. Each person, regardless of environment (work/school) has their own experiences to draw from (e.g. your experience at your age has brought you to this place now).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With respect to the car incident:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;1.  IMHO, Never drive co-workers.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;2.  The comment from the co-worker, while harsh, could be used as an opportunity to reflect (or even inquire for more details).  Of course, you could just &lt;em&gt;feel horrible&lt;/em&gt;, but as you sound like a scientist, I will suggest that you treat this as any other &quot;experiment&quot; ... learn and leave the feelings out.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;3.  Given (as you say) the &lt;em&gt;tone&lt;/em&gt;, maybe the person you were driving, was just a b-----.  This tends to be supported by the comments when picking up the other worker. If so, this is less a reflection on you, than on her/them.   (See #1)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;code&gt;...Is this how they see me...&lt;/code&gt; is of lesser importance than doing quality work.  Your Professor is not likely to consider your work relationships in lieu of your work quality.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally,  I understand the difficulty and frustration of trying to balance these two areas. To this I can only offer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep your eye on the prize.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pressure makes diamonds.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20645" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T17:00:50.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17789" CreationDate="2018-08-28T18:04:29.230" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is important that if something angers you or frustrates you that you do not discuss it until you are no longer angered or frustrated by it. You must wait. Then at another time approach the person and ask if they remember the incident. You can then tell them that what they were asking or discussing was putting you in an impossible situation. You are telling them not to do that again, please. This should clue them in that there are lasting consequences to their light entertainment and that you wish them to knock it off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21222" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T18:04:29.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17828" CreationDate="2018-08-28T21:37:49.620" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Really late to the party here, and upvoted most of the answers here, however I thought you might appreciate a (U.S) physician's perspective on this (speaking as someone once in private practice.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a physician, my primary concern is that you get the appropriate level of care &lt;em&gt;when you need it&lt;/em&gt;. Imagine how the response to making an appointment might differ if the answer(s) were:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm having chest pain... (more questions or put you on the phone immediately with a nurse to do important triage)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm coughing up blood... (see above)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm short of breath... (see above)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to talk about losing weight... (OK, see you at 2 o'clock, M. X!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My knee hurts... (see above)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have a rash on my arms...(see above)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://health.stackexchange.com/q/1879/169&quot;&gt;A bat flew into my face last night...&lt;/a&gt; (doctor calls back and tells you to go to the Emergency Room right away!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've been bitten by a tick... (nurse gets on the phone, asks if tick is still attached)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I've been bitten by a spider... (some nursing triage, worry about MRSA and precautions office might need to take to limit spread)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It hurts when I go to the bathroom (let me see if we have anything today...)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I make clear I'm not happy sharing this information with them, without offending them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any time you make it clear that you think you may know more than a person who is doing what they perceive to be their job does, it will most likely be somewhat offensive. So choose your position: your comfort or theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best route might to be politely evasive, but &lt;strong&gt;give them what they really want to know&lt;/strong&gt;, or let them off the legal hook:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's nothing serious&lt;/strong&gt;, just some minor aches and pains.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;It's nothing serious&lt;/strong&gt;, something that's been going on for a couple of weeks, not serious enough to go to the hospital/emergency room about.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;It's nothing serious&lt;/strong&gt;, I'm sure it can wait until tomorrow. Thanks for asking.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;It's nothing serious&lt;/strong&gt;, I'd rather wait to discuss it with the doctor tomorrow, if you don't mind, thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are tactless or doggedly determined, they might say, &quot;The doctor will want to know what it's about.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then a, &quot;Thanks, I'm aware of that. &lt;strong&gt;It's nothing serious&lt;/strong&gt;. I'll discuss it with Dr. X tomorrow&quot; should do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2708" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T21:37:49.620" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18036" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18038" CreationDate="2018-08-28T21:51:56.753" Score="5" ViewCount="1159" Body="&lt;p&gt;I posted a message in a very large Facebook group (~75,000 members) asking for specific information to help me in my internship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One person that speaks Spanish messaged me and asked me to be his friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I speak no Spanish&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He said he was from Mexico, I live in the northern U.S, far from Mexico. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My hesitation factor is that I see no reason to be unkind or rude to a person that has not been mean or insulting to me at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I already told him that I prefer to be friends with people on Facebook if I see them face-to-face. He did not seem to get it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has called me on Facebook Messenger a few times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I tell him that I do not wish to be friends because of our locality and language barrier?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-09-02T04:27:58.167" LastActivityDate="2018-09-02T04:27:58.167" Title="How do I say no to a person seeking friendship that doesn't understand internet etiquette?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18036" CreationDate="2018-08-28T22:16:34.227" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you don't know this person at all and don't have a relationship with him that you wish to protect, one straight forward course of action could just be &lt;strong&gt;blocking him on Facebook&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's too blunt for you, try explaining yourself again: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As I've explained, I'm not interested in being Facebook friends with you because I don't know you personally, and we have a language barrier that would make it hard for us to communicate. Please stop calling me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One disclaimer, he might respond that he speaks English, so in that case you could just emphasize the first point again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he persists, reporting or blocking him is always an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T22:16:34.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18036" CreationDate="2018-08-28T22:16:50.980" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have already been kind to this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you suspect language barrier (or, for that matter, limitations in social skills) is a problem, you could try to rephrase your statement with more direct rather than indirect language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of saying &quot;I prefer to be friends with people on facebook if I see them face-to-face,&quot; you can write &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I am sorry if I was unclear, I do not want to be your friend on facebook because I do not know you face-to-face&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; or something similar. This more direct language might come across as rude to some, but you already tried a softer approach, and indirect statements can be difficult to read in a second language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would also be reasonable, and not particularly rude, to simply stop communicating with this individual. You have already provided enough information such that they can use other resources to understand that you have already told them you do not want to be friends (for example, they could ask on a forum or ask a friend to help them interpret your statement).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would even suggest that internet etiquette suggests you didn't even have to go that far: you have not done anything to indicate you are actively soliciting individual contact beyond answers to the question you posted, and this person has gone beyond normal etiquette themselves, so your obligation to be polite is reduced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T22:16:50.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18010" CreationDate="2018-08-28T22:25:05.470" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had a couple of mentors in my career and I know people who actively engage with their own mentors. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, successful people have a lot of people looking to them to be their mentors.  So you're probably part of a long list of people.  Your boss most likely doesn't have the time to respond positively to all these requests, so it's up to you to make it worth his while.  The mentors I have had have all appreciated my efforts in that regard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To engage successfully with a mentor, I'd first of all find a way to make his stress less (and not more).  A pastor in my church had a guy volunteer to mow his lawn in exchange for mentoring.  I don't think you need to go into providing free lawn care, but the principle is a good one: how can you make his life easier?  That gets missed a lot.  Part of that, especially in the workplace, is to be the best you can be at your job.  If you stink at it, your boss won't be interested in helping you advance your career.  If, on the other hand, you are excellent at your job and make his life easier, that makes the prospect of mentoring you more appealing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, beware of the time commitment you ask of a potential mentor. You're looking for advice, not a career map.  Weekly sessions with this person would be very draining to both of you and makes you seem incapable of working without your hand being held.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Determine where you want to go and what you think of the best path to get there.  Mentors don't want to do your work for you; showing independence and the ability to do your own research will help a lot.  The mentors I have had have all appreciated my efforts to improve THEIR performance, which led to their giving me more responsibilities and exposure to more interesting work.  It was definitely a 2-way street.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T22:25:05.470" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18040" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18036" CreationDate="2018-08-28T22:28:07.940" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I already told him that I prefer to be friends with people on facebook if I see them face-to-face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Seems like you already have told him and he chose to ignore your polite brush off. At this point it's reasonable to be a little more direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I'm not interested in developing a long distance friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the messages continue after that, block and report as needed. You've already fulfilled your portion of the social contract and someone choosing not to &lt;em&gt;&quot;get it&quot;&lt;/em&gt; isn't really your responsibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine if someone approached you in person in this manner. They decided to strike up a conversation, you decilined and then they proceeded to follow you around and talk to you anyway. The etiquette doesn't really change just because it's happening online, what's pushy/creepy/rude in person is just as pushy/creepy/rude online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-08-29T12:54:44.460" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T12:54:44.460" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18041" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-28T22:51:01.153" Score="9" ViewCount="2314" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work as a junior programmer in a rather large office setting, and I would like to introduce myself to a coworker who works near me, but in a different field (possibly HR?). Unfortunately, I feel like this has been made difficult by the awkward situation I have placed myself in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only interaction I have had with her is a very brief work-related &#xA;question she emailed me back when I started my job (about 5 months ago). Later she added me on LinkedIn, and I accepted her request, but for reasons I still can't fully explain, it never prompted me to talk to her in person, and a few months have passed since then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reasons for introducing myself and trying to get to know her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She seems like a friendly individual based on her interactions with other coworkers I have seen.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I feel very guilty for not talking to her after the LinkedIn request, and it feels like a missed networking opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She is attractive and around my age.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reasons for avoiding the introduction:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;An incredibly uncomfortable amount of time has passed and it only gets worse.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Still feel guilty about the LinkedIn request, so I don't know how to bring it up.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The office space (open cubicles) has a hundreds of workers and I feel intimidated by the busy setting and the group of people she works with.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation bothers me even more because my coworker's cubicle is right next to the door, so I pass by her basically every time I go to the bathroom or enter/leave the office space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is: &lt;strong&gt;How could I introduce myself to this coworker?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I try to wait to catch her in a more social event at the office rather than on the office floor during work hours? Should I bring up the LinkedIn connection?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I fully understand that she probably has no strong reason to initiate an introduction with me on her own. As I said, the office has many workers passing by her every day, and many of them seem to be socially awkward programmers, and it's evident that I am just one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21352" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-29T00:39:31.387" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T23:26:28.860" Title="How to introduce myself to a coworker after a sufficiently awkward amount of time has passed" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;introductions&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18042" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18041" CreationDate="2018-08-28T22:58:36.427" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest that you do something casual. You could ask her to get lunch with you during the workday the next time you pass her cubicle. Ask her about her role at the company, or bring up something that happened recently at your company or in your community. Or, if she shares something on LinkedIn that piques your interest you could start a conversation about it. You could definitely approach her at a social event if that feels more comfortable. If you're too nervous to just talk to her out of the blue, email her asking if she wants to get lunch so you can learn more about her position and get to know her better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't beat yourself up about not talking to her after the LinkedIn request, she probably wasn't bothered by that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you say she's a very friendly person, I'm sure whichever approach you try will be well received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T22:58:36.427" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18043" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17898" CreationDate="2018-08-28T23:23:13.883" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend is supposed to be supportive, so first find something positive to say about his music. You can then choose one problem area and address it by asking a question about why he chose to do that or mention that you noticed that many artists do this differently. Limit it to one thing as too many negatives can seem like an attack and make the person defensive and reject everything you say.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's his music so it's his choice, just offer an observation and let it go if he rejects it. Your job is to be a friend, there are plenty of critics out there to let him know where he fell short. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to suggest that he start/join a group either online or locally of aspiring musicians who can listen to and critique each others work as the best feedback will come from fellow music creators.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21354" LastActivityDate="2018-08-28T23:23:13.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18041" CreationDate="2018-08-29T00:40:52.383" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Consider that she might be feeling as awkward about the situation as you are -- but you'll be at an impasse until one of you decides to do something about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Walk right up to her cubicle, tomorrow morning if you can, and say this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi.  I was feeling that it's kind of weird that we work next to each other and we've never been formally introduced.  I'm Duncan (extend hand to shake)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simple, quick, done.  No more anxiety.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, just let the conversation take its natural course.  If she brings up the LinkedIn request, you can be honest and laugh about it with her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, I remember.  Actually that's why I was feeling even more awkward, since we're connected online and we've never actually connected in real life.  It's a strange world, huh?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally you'd wait for a moment when she is not interacting with other people, but if no such opportunity presents itself, then I'd say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt anything. I just wanted to take this opportunity to introduce myself as I've been here five months and it's kind of strange I've never actually officially spoken to any of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then introduce yourself to everyone around her, or at least those who are paying attention and who don't seem too busy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just noticed your comment that &quot;she is attractive and around my age&quot; which suggests you have some romantic interest in her, and which is probably the source of some of your discomfort.  Dating coworkers is, well, &lt;em&gt;complicated&lt;/em&gt;, and while it's not unheard of (my brother ended up marrying a woman he met at his first job out of college) these days it can quickly get you into trouble if you misread the signals.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that, I recommend at the very least &lt;em&gt;pretending&lt;/em&gt; a lack of any romantic interest when you first introduce yourself.  See how she responds to that, first.  You should probably also check if there are other answers here to the question of how to ask a coworker out on a date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-08-29T19:52:21.613" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T19:52:21.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15422" CreationDate="2018-08-29T00:58:24.990" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd avoid being &lt;em&gt;tactful&lt;/em&gt; about it, if it really bothered me.  Instead I'd &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; something about it to try to make sure the germs spread no further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get yourself a large bottle of hand sanitizer.  The next time you notice the person come back from the bathroom without washing, ask them to hold out their hands.  Spray sanitizer into their hands, and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There.  Now we don't have to worry about you getting your germs all over the game pieces.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, the first time they'll laugh about it.  The second time, they'll remember to wash their hands.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either that, or they'll just deliberately avoid washing in order to provoke you.  Which is fine.  Just keep hitting them with the sanitizer, as often as needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(In response to avazula's comment):  Usually quite early on, children are taught to wash their hands after using the toilet.  It's basic hygiene.  Obviously, as adults many tend to ignore this (and other childhood edification), so it would be embarrassing to be reminded of something that, as children, they might have been scolded for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-12-27T16:39:23.687" LastActivityDate="2018-12-27T16:39:23.687" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18050" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-29T03:40:53.653" Score="2" ViewCount="1216" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel stupid for asking, but I need a third party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have recently been looking back into the religion of my youth and I've decided it's something I want in my life. This would mean a few things, but the one in question is not having sex before marriage. I've been sexually active for years and it's something &#xA;I've enjoyed, but not as much as most people. I am willing to give it up for the next few years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend/fiancée (no date, just decided we want to get married at some point) does not feel the same. When I expressed to her my interest in this religion, she was a little shocked, but asked me to tell her about it. I brought it up early on that it would mean no more sex for now, which she didn't like but essentially said she's willing to wait for me. However, now it's been a few weeks and she is very irritated and said she won't be happy in the relationship unless our sex life goes back to normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would do anything for her, so i told her i would. I'm not very comfortable and it's not something I want, but I feel like I should for her. I feel like it's my fault, but I'm also sad because I feel like she isn't willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy, which i am willing to do for her. Is that a valid feeling? Did I make the right choice, or should i try expressing it to her again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little more information: we're both in our early twenties and have dated on and off for about five years. We live separately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. please feel free to close this question if I posted it inappropriately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21358" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T16:06:44.193" Title="If someone you love wants sex, should you give it to them to make them happy?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-08-29T04:38:06.237" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18050" CreationDate="2018-08-29T04:44:32.813" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are always two parties in a relationship. You need to find some kind of compromize to make you both happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; have had sex in the past, didn't enjoy it much and want to abstain untill you are married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your girlfriend&lt;/strong&gt; has had sex in the past, enjoyed it and doesn't want to abstain untill marriage, but she did for you for several weeks and is now frustrated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either no sex at all or 100% sex is not a compromize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, I advice you to be brutally honest with yourself. If you were married to this woman, would you enjoy the sex &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; than you do today? If not, you are just delaying the sex. Marriage is supposed to be &quot;till death do us part&quot;. Will you (both) be happy with each other or will there be fights over how much sex you have?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then think about the things you are and are not comfortable doing, both personally and for religious reasons. Think of as many different categories as possible. Sex is more than &quot;putting object A into slot B&quot;. Do you like cuddling and kissing? Giving and receiving backrubs or massages? How much intimate contact would you allow and what would you categorize as &quot;sex&quot;? Are you ok with pleasuring her with your hands or toys instead of using your genitals? Is there anything missing in your current intimate relationship that you need or miss? &lt;strong&gt;Make a list of all these things.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you came clear to yourself it's time for a serious conversation. Tell her what you categorize as &quot;sex&quot; and what kind of contac you would allow. If it's more about personal reasons than religion, tell her exactly what you like and don't like about sex and whether or not this was an issue with other women as well or just her. The list you did in the previous step will help you a lot here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the conversation isn't constructive because you feel awkward and ashamed speaking about it, or because your girlfriend didn't have time to collect her thoughts, interrupt it. Make a date (maybe in one week) when you plan to continnue the talk. Let your girlfriend make a similar list and exchange the lists, then explain to each other what is written on them. This makes very intimate confessions easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't write anything into stone. Make it clear that you can discuss the result of this talk and find a different compromize. If one of you has a new idea of what to do during sex, talk about it beforehand and say whether or not you are willing to try it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-08-29T16:06:44.193" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T16:06:44.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18041" CreationDate="2018-08-29T07:06:31.347" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Does this person go to coffee/tea/whatever break in a break room? If so, you can just take a break at the same time and join her and everyone else present in the break room. A break is a very good time to get to know people since they are generaly more relaxed and don't have something else to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what I did in my first job and it worked (well, actualy someone invited me to join everyone in the coffee break but you don't really need an invitation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is no coffee break at your job, you can try to bring confectionery (for your birthday, your six month at the job, a come back from holiday, etc..) and invite everyone to join (via an email for example). With any luck, she will come and since you will probably pass near her, you can personaly invite her to join.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also use a similar tactic at the lunch break. If you eat alone, when the time to eat comes, you can approach her, ask her where she eats and if you can join them/her since you don't have anyone to eat with. You will probably feel uncomfortable (I know I will) but, unless she eat with her family/non-coworker friends or really loves to be alone, she will probably be happy to welcome you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once was working in another country, didn't have anyone to eat with and asked a coworker where he and the other people eat. Turns out he was eating on is own and was very happy to invite me to join him (he took this lunch break as an opportunity to show me his city).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is eating alone at her desk, like some other people at your company, you can go to those people and ask them how they feel about eating their sandwich outside/in a park for a change. You might find people that will be happy to and she might be one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In most of these case, you will have opportunities to become friend not only with her but with other co-workers too. Just don't be too pressing, if she doesn't want to be your friend, she doesn't and you just have to drop it. There are other people at your work and I'm sure some of them will be happy to get to know you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem very concerned by the fact that it has been 5 month. I suggest to just act like everything is normal and people will probably do the same. If anyone makes a comment, just say that you needed time to take your marks. You can also add that you didn't know how to introduce yourself. There is no reason they will resent you for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="6759" LastEditDate="2018-08-30T11:47:45.263" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T11:47:45.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17869" CreationDate="2018-08-29T08:10:41.497" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would stay clear from the thought that you somehow know what is good/best for her or for you both and that you have to convince her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remind yourself that you are together with her, you are an &quot;item&quot;. You are not responsible for her in any way. Feeling responsibility for the other is a sure recipe for disaster, since it introduces a kind of &quot;power slope&quot; between you and her - even if only in your own mind.  Especially her body... that's her own responsibility for sure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To your question: simply go to the gym and ask her to come with you. Forget about your weights, that is inconsequential (or even harmful). Tell her that you want to spend the time with her, that you want to have a common activity, that it is boring without her, that you would love to have the &quot;buddy&quot; factor, that being &quot;two&quot; would be huge for your own motivation, and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people need artificial motivation to go to the gym, an easy one is gaming yourself with numbers (weights, duration, whatever). This works well for pairs as well, you can get a healthy competition going (not for absolute numbers, i.e., who can raise more weight, but to cheer each other on when, not if, motivation goes away).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't even mention weights. If &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; mentions that she is to overweight for going to the gym, then handle that (make her aware that most people in a gym don't care a bit about other people, nobody will think bad about anyone, you yourself are overweight too, and so on).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this assumes that there is even the slightest chance that she would actually &lt;em&gt;enjoy&lt;/em&gt; the activity. If you already know that she does not like the general idea of gyms (i.e., the actual sport activity that is done there), then don't bother. In that case, just go on your own, enjoy it, and be done with it. Remove any rankling feelings about missing an opportunity to help her or something like that. You are not her daddy...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T08:10:41.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18054" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18012" CreationDate="2018-08-29T08:42:41.197" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since engaging didn't work and not engaging didn't work either, I will suggest playing the &quot;why&quot; game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever your father says something you think isn't right and you can't just listen and do nothing, ask him &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; he thinks that or just a simple &quot;&lt;em&gt;really?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; to ask for more information. Keep asking him questions. Don't argue against him, let him get bogged down in his explanations. At some point, he will probably get uncomfortable, maybe even angry at you and will want to leave the conversation. Let him do that (or else, he will get &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; angry).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat using this technique. If you father know that engaging in this kind of conversation will lead to him being uncomfortable, he will just stop engaging in them and you &quot;win&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Warning: I will advise to be careful with this technique, some people might react badly to it and you may not want to deal with the consequences of that with your father. See how it goes when using it and, if you don't like where the conversation is heading, just stop (&quot;Alright, I don't want to talk about this anymore&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note: A French radio columnist named Guillaume Meurice use this technique and it's really funny to listen to. If you understand French, I suggest you take it a look.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="20493" LastEditDate="2018-08-29T18:56:47.997" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T18:56:47.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18012" CreationDate="2018-08-29T13:09:10.463" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wonder if your father feels insecure about his own (lack of) education, and hence feels the need to re-establish the role of father and mentor that he had when you were growing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so then one way forward would be to find something he is better at or has more experience of than you, and ask for his advice on that subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3550" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T13:09:10.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18056" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18057" CreationDate="2018-08-29T13:40:40.293" Score="10" ViewCount="1182" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and my partner have an indoor cat. She stays in our apartment except when we are away travelling, then we take her to my partner's parents to look after her until we get back (this happens 2-3 times a year for about a week or less at a time). Both the parents are very fond of her and especially the mother (let's call her Amy) loves taking care of and playing with her. When she communicates by phone or when we are visiting, she always asks how the cat is first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our kitty is healthy (physically and mentally) and quite well trained (she rarely gets into trouble). When she's visiting Amy's house she gets spoiled of course, but I don't mind at all. What I do mind though is that Amy feels entitled to give advice about how to raise the kitty - e.g. that she needs to eat in the morning as well, have access to all rooms when we are at work. This advice gets repeated almost every time we speak and it often has an accusatory tone which I am not fond of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What have I tried so far:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Kindly explain &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; the kitty cannot have all that and &lt;strong&gt;how&lt;/strong&gt; this doesn't make her less happy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Change the subject.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not answer/speak at all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Note that we have already discussed this and concluded it wasn't possible to follow the advice.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What was the impact of my above actions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Same advice given next time we meet, although I don't think Amy forgot the justification I've given previously. Anyway, I have repeated the justification quite a few times.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Same.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Did you hear me?&quot; and further elaborating on what she believes must be done. And the same advice being given next time we meet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acted offended for the rest of the visit. Same advice next time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner - Amy's child - either ignores her or becomes a little rude (when tired). Ignoring her didn't work for me as I mentioned earlier and I really want to avoid being rude as I am too grateful to them for taking care of my cat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;NOTE: Amy has never had an indoor cat before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a way that I can avoid such unwanted advice from Amy (permanently if possible)?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastEditorUserId="4044" LastEditDate="2018-08-29T15:06:23.797" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T16:32:28.093" Title="How to stop unwanted advice about my pet?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;pets&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18056" CreationDate="2018-08-29T14:41:25.407" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to own pets that would require someone else to look after them for a few days if I was out of the country. Despite raising them in good health, my parents - who usually volunteered to look after them - were determined to offer advice and question my responsibilities at every opportunity. You and I are not the first to be in this situation; I have heard and read many stories of people who leave their dogs with the parents for a long holiday, only to come back to the dog being noticeably overfed and a novel about how things could improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my own experience, this seems to be an extension of a parenting nature. Their responsibility goes beyond just looking after Kitty for a weekend; as Kitty belongs to their child, Amy probably feels in-part responsible for Kitty's well-being, &lt;em&gt;almost&lt;/em&gt; like if Kitty were a grandchild. If you ever question the approach of a parent to parenting... it doesn't go down well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I tried (that was &lt;em&gt;largely&lt;/em&gt; successful) is something you might not be too keen on; agree with Amy. 99% of the time, Amy does not see the cat and has no proof beyond your word that what she suggests is actually being done. Amy can dole out advice forever but you don't need to act on it. If she suggests you feed it more, reply that you will consider it, or even that you will try it. If she asks later why the cat hasn't been putting on weight, give her the facts that your cat is in a perfectly healthy weight range and gets plenty of exercise. On subsequent meetings, simply in a friendly manner remind her that she already gave you this advice. &lt;strong&gt;Once Amy &lt;em&gt;has the impression&lt;/em&gt; you two are actually taking her advice to heart rather than objecting to it, the nagging may decrease.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you are leaving Kitty at Amy's mercy for weeks at a time on a regular basis, she is unlikely to incur any long-term issues from Amy's 'alternative approach'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an extreme circumstance, you may have to put your foot down as you would with anyone who is critical of your approach. If it is causing such a rift, it may be better for everyone in the long run to look into professional long-term pet carers (I've seen them for dogs, they must surely exist for cats), or seeking out someone else who can help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if on the phone she asks how the cat is before you... I'd want to cite personal experience again but my own replies to this have been at least partly sarcastic. &lt;em&gt;&quot;Mrs. Kozaky and I are fine thanks&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, and not mention the pet at all. (If you're determined to stay on good terms with Amy, one would not advise this.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T14:41:25.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18041" CreationDate="2018-08-29T15:41:15.243" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was actually in the same situation today. I have been in the office for about 3 months, saw the person walk by several times, and actually stared at him a little a few times, because my wife has an acquaintance in the office and I was wondering if it was him. But we never talked. I was sitting in a seat quite close to him today, and found it a good opportunity to introduce myself, when he arrived and was not in the middle of something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just walked up and said: 'I have seen you walk by a few times already, but I haven't come around to introduce myself yet, I am ..... and I work on....'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was not awkward at all, it just keeps getting a bigger thing in your mind if you keep postponing it. Do it as soon as possible, but make sure the person is not in the middle of something where it would be uncomfortable to be disturbed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T15:41:15.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18041" CreationDate="2018-08-29T15:49:12.747" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The LinkedIn page should tell you a bit about the girl - her role in the company and bits about her training/education (which university, what subject) and possibly a bit about her interests/places she's visited. Do you have a common interest, something that'll be in the back of your mind if you talk?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you looked at what she's putting out on LinkedIn? Is there anything on that that you would normally respond to in real life, a chatroom, Twitter or LinkedIn?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possibly she or her team has won recognition for something. This would present an opportunity to congratulate them on LinkedIn and in passing, and that would break the ice. This might give you an opportunity to give her feedback - but you might as well go through your other LinkedIn contacts too. After all it's nice to be nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you might also get some response by asking a question similar to one which she's responded to in the past, not specifically aimed at the lady in question - but more general, and could prompt some casual chats with her or those around her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a cheerful newspaper lad who delivers in my neighbourhood and he says, &quot;Good morning&quot; to the people he passes on the street. I, and I'm sure others, respond with a 'Good morning' or similar. It's a simple non-invasive means for talking to people which has a positive impact and frames you in a good light. You could supplement this with people's names that you know and other light chit-chat: nice day, has X had her baby yet? a local news event or anything not out of the ordinary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20706" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-08-30T23:26:28.860" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T23:26:28.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18061" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-29T17:17:12.200" Score="2" ViewCount="682" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have a relationship of five years, he before being with me was a promiscuous man however he had no serious relationship so let's say he had the freedom to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In our relationship has not given me reason to think that he has been unfaithful, however I can not help feeling insecure knowing that in his social networks he sees and likes pictures of models with little clothes, I know they are things of men maybe, but I get the following concern:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it really necessary to make your attraction public to other women?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not pretend to be the only woman who attracts him sexually, but I think that a little discretion on this issue has nothing wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It should be noted that I do not speak of two or three models, they are many and not necessarily famous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to have another point of view. I would like to know what to do to handle this situation internally. How can I talk to him without thinking that I'm just a jealous woman without justification?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21366" LastEditorUserId="21366" LastEditDate="2018-08-29T17:45:00.230" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T17:45:00.230" Title="How can I talk to my boyfriend about how often he looks at girls online around me?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;trust&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-08-29T18:08:28.043" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18061" CreationDate="2018-08-29T17:36:59.180" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you are being paranoid - you cannot deny your own feelings, but you should consider why this bothers you so much and address that specific issue with him.  Regardless, you should be honest with him, it's possible he doesn't know that this bothers you (unless you've already told him even though it seems like it should be obvious).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just don't like him looking at models online but don't really think he is acting inappropriately, you should tell him that you are uncomfortable knowing that he does this and it hurts you that he makes it obvious that he does.  It may not be realistic for him to stop looking at images of women online altogether, but you might suggest a little more discretion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are upset that he is making known that he like to look at these women publicly by following them on social media, I would recommend that you tell him that you feel embarrassed that he is advertising to the world that he likes this.  Again it may be unrealistic to suggest he never look at an attractive women IRL or online, but the fact that he follows these women feels like a personal embarrassment to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to decide if you are ok with him occasionally looking at these images if he is being discreet.  This is not entirely uncommon but again you have to decide what you approve of and what you can tolerate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be honest and talk to him - let him know why you feel the way you do and hopefully he will change his behavior.  You can't change a person completely but you might be able to encourage a little more discretion in how he acts in ways that are public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6236" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T17:36:59.180" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18063" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18073" CreationDate="2018-08-29T18:55:08.670" Score="9" ViewCount="1641" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a cousin who is younger to me and she seemed a bit disturbed over the fact that a guy in her class had confessed his feelings for her. But she exactly doesn't feel the same for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was thinking of advising her to say a &lt;strong&gt;no&lt;/strong&gt; boldly. But on a second thought, she may be perceived as &lt;strong&gt;the typical heart breaker&lt;/strong&gt; so she should probably speak up a bit more differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My cousin's 16. She's very timid, sensitive and introverted too. They are not strong friends, in fact I didn't even know he was her classmate so she hadn't had the least expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, she is an introvert and likes to keep limited friends. They don't even have a common friend...so she was really taken aback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I wanted to know if there is any other way to say it...I mean how can she say him &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; a bit more politely and differently from the stereotypical &quot;no.&quot; Rejection will never be taken well on the other end but I want to know if I can suggest her something more intelligent to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20175" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2020-02-22T16:42:59.410" LastActivityDate="2020-02-22T16:42:59.410" Title="Helping my cousin reject advances from a classmate" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18063" CreationDate="2018-08-29T19:05:27.990" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;There isn't a great way to tell someone who's confessed their love to you that it's not reciprocal. No matter what you say, there will be some sting. Your cousin needs to prepare for that regardless of how it's delivered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind, your cousin should be absolutely up-front and honest without being mean. This is important because the message should be 100% unambiguous, but obviously she doesn't want to hurt him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's really sweet of you, and honestly I'm flattered, but I'm not interested in taking this relationship to the next level. I'd like to remain friends, though!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it. There's no need to say anything more. I think it's often tempting to emphasize how much she enjoys the relationship to try and make him feel better, but I personally dislike that approach - saying &quot;we're so great together! we have tons of fun! we get along so well!&quot; doesn't come across as reasons for the relationship &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to progress, and opens her up to an uncomfortable &quot;debate&quot; on whether or not they should date, so I would recommend avoiding that approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12278" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T19:05:27.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18068" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18012" CreationDate="2018-08-29T23:21:25.627" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There isn't much you can do with someone who is actively resistant to argumentation or critique of their ideas, and especially someone whose sole, effective position is &quot;you are wrong&quot; regardless of the topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely not worth trying to engage in much detail on any given topic-- he's indicated that he is unwilling (or unable) to do so. Here are a few things I've found useful towards the goals you describe:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Engage to the level of detail your father is willing to entertain&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is an easy one since the level of detail sounds low, though if he specifically wants to goad you it may not deflect him. If he states that Condition X is true because of Element Y, you can say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, X would be consistent with Y&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It acknowledges that he might be right, and that the connections he sees (or more murkily assumes) could conceivably be real given that the assumptions are valid. You don't have to establish the validity of the premise or the conclusion, or even disagree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can express disagreement, gently, by indicating that your father's assertion is not the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; possible explanation consistent with the information he's given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Ask him to explain&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be risky-- plenty of conspiracy theorists love to wax on about their beliefs. But, in my experience, most people that entertain conspiracy theories (and similar ideas) feel strongly based more on repetition than evidence. People that watch a lot of cable news networks (of any stripe) often come away with a strong belief in specific conclusions but little as far as evidence suggesting that those conclusions are valid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your father is incapable of presenting evidence upon request, this may be the case for him as well. Afterwards, even if he repeats his assertions, you have some space to say that even if he's right, he can't demonstrate it, and if he can't demonstrate it, why should he expect anyone to be persuaded? He may not slow down, but he will look (and possibly feel) increasingly foolish if totally unable to meet a very reasonable request to back up both his assertions and his innuendos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Challenge his insults&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the hardest one, but takes direct aim at what seems to be upsetting you the most about these situations. When he says something like &quot;You university-educated people wouldn't understand this&quot; you can respond&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is totally different from challenging the specific position he's asserting since it's about what &lt;em&gt;can be known&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;by whom&lt;/em&gt;. He may or may not have much of an answer, but it at least breaks the two assertions apart from one another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: this is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; an endorsement of starting a deep, adversarial conversation about epistemology (unless you both want to), and it's definitely not an endorsement of arguing back about how much a person with a university-level education might know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Steer the conversation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned this one in the question, and it's a good tactic. If you are able to keep conversations away from topics that get him going, and especially if you can keep conversations from lingering there, then the issue just won't come up so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5. Be direct about what you want&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tell your father it bothers you when he puts you down in front of your wife and family and ask him to stop. Even if he truly feels he has a right to that behavior that doesn't mean that he has to exercise that right. He may stop if you make clear that it really does bother you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;6. Humble up&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even in cases where you are certain that you are objectively correct, it is also possible that your knowledge is neither complete nor decisive, and you may not be interested in explaining/able to explain the relevant background in a way that makes a persuasive case that what you're saying is true. You may be hindered in expressing &lt;em&gt;the detail which demonstrates that you are correct&lt;/em&gt;, in which case your position is not much better than just repeatedly asserting that you are correct and this is the case &lt;em&gt;even when you actually are&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, in the question you describe an appeal to general probability theory suggesting that an event with a 1 in 5000 chance of occurring actually occurring is simply a random coincidence. I'm sure that's not a complete description of events, but as written the statement is incorrect (i.e. just because there is some probability X of me dying by accident in the next year doesn't mean that I can't be murdered, and it would be bad police work to ignore the possibility of murder because there is a nonzero chance the death could just be a random accident).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I imagine that your actual statements were along the lines of the law of large numbers and Occam's razor, and these are great arguments. But they are also relatively dense, describe what is most sensible to believe (rather than whether or not a given event happened), and do not disprove your father's position (though they likely undercut his chain of reasoning pretty badly!). Maybe your father has enough background to evaluate the arguments. If not, it would be similar to handing over a written version of your argument recorded in Japanese (assuming your father cannot read Japanese). The truth of the information in the document does not in any way make it any more accessible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easy to be certain that you're right but much harder to be able to back that certainty in a clear, logical way that can be demonstrated to others. Unless you're doing the latter with your father (and it sounds like he wouldn't be interested), your father may not perceive much basis for believing you over the last dozen books he read-- it's all assertions to him anyways, and he's had a &lt;strong&gt;lot&lt;/strong&gt; of repetition to internalize one particular set of those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-08-29T23:21:25.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18012" CreationDate="2018-08-30T05:18:10.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like a mismatch of epistemology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Epistemology addresses such questions as: &quot;What makes justified beliefs justified?&quot;, &quot;What does it mean to say that we know something?&quot;, and fundamentally &quot;How do we know that we know?&quot;.&#xA;  &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epistemology&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;- Wikipedia&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are various formulations, one of which ([BYU][&lt;a href=&quot;http://linguistics.byu.edu/faculty/henrichsenl/ResearchMethods/RM_1_02.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;2&lt;/a&gt;) distinguishes among intuitive, authoritative, logical and empirical approaches. As a highly educated person, you probably give more credit to logical and empirical approaches. Your father sounds like he favours the intuitive and authoritative approaches.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Each approach helps you ‘know’ different things well, and each has its pros and cons in knowledge acquisition. For example, you’d want an empirical approach to medical testing but a more intuitive approach when interacting with people (imagine a salesman coming up to you multiple times with different ways to pitch the same thing - it can get annoying very quickly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that evaluating one approach with the tools of another approach doesn’t work well. The logician is frustrated with the imprecision of the empiricist; the empiricist can’t see where the intuitive get their facts; and so on. When you say that your father is “wrong” about something ostensibly in the empirical domain, you’re not ‘speaking his language’.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try this: instead of pointing out the logical and factual flaws in your father’s statements, ask him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Dad, where are you going with this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can word it to suit the way you normally talk with your father, but the intention is to understand why he brought it up. He might just be relaying something he heard on the news, or he might be trying to express his concern for your wellbeing. If it’s just trivia, feel free to disagree with him (politely) - he’s likely not all that vested in it emotionally anyway. But if it’s about him worried about you personally (regardless of how crazy the threat vector might sound), he’s emotionally involved, and you can acknowledge his concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once he knows that you are seriously trying to engage with &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; matters of interest, it would be natural for him to move from put-downs to true discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastEditorUserId="10573" LastEditDate="2018-08-30T14:51:04.290" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T14:51:04.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18073" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18063" CreationDate="2018-08-30T12:24:15.013" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If I have gotten anything wrong please let me know and I will edit accordingly&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if there is a way to let this guy down gently, rejection is rejection even when it's sugar coated and there's no telling how he'll take it. He could be very gracious or he may not be, either way though, if your cousin isn't interested in him she should tell him and make sure he knows that before things get awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you cousin, I would find a moment either before or just after a class they have together to tell him that I am not interested in a relationship with him. She should be polite but to the point, and she doesn't have to apologize or justify herself. If she's not interested she's not interested, that's nobody's fault and hopefully this boy will accept that. I know this may seem harsh, but it's better to be honest and to the point as it helps avoid any confusion for everyone involved and means at the end of the day everyone is (hopefully) happy and the boy is aware that your cousin has made her decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She could say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey (boys name), I just wanted to let you know that I thought about what you said and I'm not interested, but I appreciated you being honest with me so I thought it's only fair for me to be honest with you too.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see you mentioned in your question that they don't have any common friends so I'm guessing this means they don't really know each other either. If she wanted to, she could add in that she'd like to get to know him as a friend, it may help to soften the blow. I will add that &lt;strong&gt;she should only offer this to him if she is actually interested in potentially being friends with him&lt;/strong&gt;, if she isn't then just leave it out, it's better for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that at the age of 16 everything can seem very daunting, but having been in the same position as your cousin a few times in my life I can say that being honest and direct is better in the long run even though it is a tough thing to do. It means that what you say is understood and everyone leaves knowing exactly where the other person stands, it leaves no room for something to be picked up the wrong way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am sure your cousin will be fine, good luck! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19380" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T12:24:15.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17977" CreationDate="2018-08-30T13:29:24.350" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree that sometimes the direct method isn't always the best one. A great life skill I've learnt over the years is that when you want to know something, but it's a little awkward to directly ask someone about it, you ask some small specific thing about what you want to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, you could ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you had kids, what would you name them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he answers with a name, you can be sure enough that he's not one to opt out of having kids. If he doesn't want to have children, he's unlikely to mention any names because he hasn't thought about that yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19492" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T13:29:24.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18075" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-30T13:55:26.613" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to challenge a notion of the answer you gave to these ladies. They said &quot;Is the seat taken?&quot;, the answer ought to be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In reality unless you checked 4 secs ago on the website, you have no way of knowing if the seat is taken. Even more, you have no actual way of knowing at all, because maybe the theater had saved those seats for someone, for some obscure reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could have added something like someone else suggested&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, I wouldn't advice on taking them because the theater is strict about the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a situation like this, your personal motivations shouldn't be part of what you say. Also I totally get you, people that break rules these ways really make me mad. But you shouldn't let that show.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way you phrased your answer was like &quot;I have been keeping a close watch of you two, and I know you want to break the rules, and I won't let you because it would bother and cause me discomfort if you did&quot;. So what did they do? Exactly that, &lt;em&gt;Cause you discomfort&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also try to remember, but you said they noticed you noticing them, maybe you guys were too obvious? Because otherwise they wouldn't have asked, and you could have gone straight to the theater staff without grief given to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To the people saying is not your job, and you shouldn't care, etc, about helping to enforce the rules. And also saying that there is no harm done. I would like to challenge that notion, I think, despite the flaws in the actual implementation, what you did was great. Cheers to you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What if the seats were actually taken? And the people that had them were late? If @Tinkeringbell let them sit there, the actual owner would have to deal with the situation, which seems only fair, but you know what? Some people find those situations extremely uncomfortable. And they might just take other seats, just not to challenge these ladies. I know I might if I was arriving really late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As matter of personal opinion, in general, I think, a lot of what is wrong with this world is people saying &quot;it is not my business&quot;, and not helping to enforce the rules, because no harm &quot;&lt;em&gt;to them&lt;/em&gt;&quot; was done. Rules are there for something. At least now, this lady, MAYBE will learn, or might be a bit more cautious the next time, maybe she won't, but maybe she will. And others that watched what happend may say &quot;maybe is better not to sit in the wrong seat in this place, that could happen&quot;. Humans are animals of habit, if people gets in the habit of breaking the rules without consequence, it only gets worse and worse with time, not better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8855" LastEditorUserId="8855" LastEditDate="2018-08-30T14:11:01.577" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T14:11:01.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-30T14:18:19.000" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a child I had a very similar scenario with learning to swim.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I just wasn't interested in learning, I had floats, I was happy paddling about with them and I wasn't worried about it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;My parents tried all sorts of ways to get me to learn.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;My uncle even hurled me into the pool in a &quot;sink or swim&quot; scenario once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I simply wasn't motivated to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, dad found the solution:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Straightforward bribery&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Turns out that if you offer a kid &quot;Any single toy in the toy-store&quot; he'll do pretty much anything :P&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He set strict requirements to achieve it, I had to swim under my own power from one end of the pool to the other and back, unsupported by any floats, not touching the sides or bottom of the pool at any time. If I did that while he watched, I got the toy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After years of indifference and stubbornness it took me mere days to teach myself to swim properly once I was properly motivated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might be able to achieve something similar.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Find something your child wants that you can provide and offer it as reward for daily reading. I suggest she reads aloud to let you see her progression and ensure no foul play (much as we love our kids, they're often devious as hell) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear that it's a bonus, not something normal you've put behind a paywall.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;One option might be a big trip to a theme-park, set it as a reward for say...30 days of reading aloud to you each evening, then commit to doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're worried about what kind of lesson this is teaching your child..it's about teaching your child to be goal-oriented, to see something she wants and work towards it honestly and fairly. It also teaches trust. In my case, I learnt that my dad will honour his promises.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastEditorUserId="4628" LastEditDate="2018-08-30T14:28:04.380" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T14:28:04.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-08-30T16:29:19.850" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As other answers have pointed out, you embarrassed them by pointing out that they were breaking the rules, and that's probably why the mother became hostile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One strategy to avoid this would have been to show the mother/daughter that you were on their side, before stating your case. I'm sure you've been in a similar situation before, where you saw that something was going free and decided to get yourself a sneaky upgrade. Most of us have done that, and it's usually no problem, as long as it doesn't inconvenience others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By making it clear that you're not judgmental of their breaking the rules, but just interested in whether your view is blocked, you might have avoided embarrassing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you could have said something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think they're free, but we booked these seats because there wasn't anyone in front so we'd get a good view. I don't blame you for trying to upgrade though! I'd do the same thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Done in the right sympathetic/friendly/jokey tone, it might have kept them on your side. If they like you, they're more likely to want to avoid inconveniencing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Were there other free seats they could have moved to that were equally good but that weren't directly in front of you? If so, you could have said that to them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't blame you for trying to get a sneaky upgrade, but would it be ok if you sat in those seats instead so we can still get a good view?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3863" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T16:29:19.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18063" CreationDate="2018-08-30T17:09:01.767" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's unfortunate that we live in a society where we have to be careful with how we reject people, as if &quot;no&quot; is simply not sufficient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't fear violence or any crazy behavior, then simply a clear &quot;No, sorry, I am not interested.&quot; should suffice. The reason being that a lot of people - especially people inexperienced with relationship and courtship (teenagers or introverts who didn't date much) - doesn't seem to understand &quot;no&quot;. A lot of times, it can be misunderstood when you say &quot;let's stay friends!&quot; especially if she is still nice to him. He might still believe he has a chance and essentially keep trying until he &quot;wins&quot; by acting nice. Not everyone reacts that way, but in my experience - a lot of my ex gfs, have experience where they rejected men - the men eventually end up friendship guilting the women until a clear and concise &quot;hard NO&quot; is communicated. Sometimes you need to be blunt to avoid dragging it on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19852" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T17:09:01.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18079" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-30T17:32:46.407" Score="0" ViewCount="652" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: &#xA;We recently moved to a new neighborhood and it's rather dark at night (not many street lights). Most neighbors leave outside house lights on at night. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Issue:&#xA;About a month after we moved in a neighbor put a half-page letter in our mailbox stating that our outside lights shine into their bedroom, meaning they can't have their windows open at night. They've asked us not to use our lights at night but ending with essentially &quot;of course it's up to you what you do.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other info:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only spoken to the neighbor once (&quot;hi my name is...&quot;) for about 30&#xA;seconds since moving in&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Neighbors in question are across the street and over one house, so maybe a couple hundred feet from the light source&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't see how our lights (recessed floods pointing downwards) could be shining into their room, but also don't think they're lying &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The outside area where our outside lights are intending to illuminate is very dark, e.g. wouldn't be able to unlock a car parked&#xA;there without the lights on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Although I'm not too concerned about crime, the area the lights illuminate is steep so slips/falls are possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My wife thinks we should ignore the letter, and not give them any power over the situation. My MIL thinks the people are &quot;crazy&quot; for making the request.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possible options I see:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep using the lights as we want. They have the problem, so need to adjust.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop using the lights, since it obviously bothers them and we're &quot;nice people.&quot; Remember to bring a flashlight when walking by the area.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Plan to turn the lights off at some predetermined time, like 10PM, except when we know we'll be out and need them on when we return (infrequent).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3 Questions: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is it reasonable for them to make their &quot;no lights&quot; request?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do we respond at all? I assume we will live across the street from these people for many years.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How much do we &quot;give&quot; in trying to achieve a compromise, assuming they are even open to one?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21379" LastEditorUserId="18334" LastEditDate="2018-08-30T19:06:19.597" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T19:06:19.597" Title="My new neighbours have very nicely requested something that I find unreasonable, how should I proceed?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-08-30T18:01:50.053" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18079" CreationDate="2018-08-30T17:50:07.193" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even though your lights are recessed floods pointing downwards, it is possible that the light still enters their bedroom by a series of reflections. Since it does bother them, it is alright for them to make the request to you by writing the letter they did. But it is now up to you to decide if you want to accede to their request and not switch on the lights at night, or if you don't want to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be very nice and accommodating and switch off the lights, be sure that you use a flashlight when walking around in the dark so that you don't get into any accidents. However, if you think that it is important for you to switch on the lights and that the lights don't really bother them that much, you could do that by telling them, either in person or writing a letter, that you really do need the lights on, and suggest that they just use the blinds to keep the light out of their bedroom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, their letter and its ending suggests that they are open to communication and are not unreasonable. Having a conversation about the matter will definitely help to sort things out between you and your neighbours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21370" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T17:50:07.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17993" CreationDate="2018-08-30T18:34:53.550" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is similar to other answers, but I think it's a new perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like one of the problems is that reading is being presented as optional when in fact it is compulsory. e.g. she has the choice to stop playing the game rather than reading to continue with it. This is a bit dishonest and confusing/ frustrating to all parties. Jane is annoyed that the adults keep pushing her towards reading when she's made it clear she doesn't want to (and interrupting things she likes with something she doesn't like), and the adults are annoyed that she's not choosing the option they want her to choose. I remember being confused with this sort of thing as a child- why offer me a choice and then get cross at me for the choice I made? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be better to come clean and just say she has to do reading practice, for X amount of time each day, starting at Y date. She can choose what to read, but she can't choose not to do it at all. (And do make sure there is plenty of choice about what to read- books at her level, books on her interests, fiction and non fiction.) Don't push it outside of those times. You can balance it out by giving her something she wants, a new right to go with the new responsibility perhaps, or some extra pocket money to recognise that she's spending time doing an activity of someone else's choice, but she has to do it either way. That way everyone is on the same page about which things she can choose and which things she can't, which should make communication about the issue easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also explain to her that even if reading seems like a big chore now, it won't be that way forever. It will get easier the more she practices, and maybe she will even start to like it one day! It might be a little bit reassuring even if she's not convinced about the last bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21382" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T18:34:53.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17786" CreationDate="2018-08-30T21:03:49.020" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there are several different areas where you could aim to make progress. It is only based on a small amount of information, so please correct me if I am wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It sounds like your self-esteem, especially with respect to dating, is not very high.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't get out enough to meet new people, and make contact with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are not very skilled in interactions with members of the opposite sex.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These points seem quite independent, but they are actually strongly related. Improving any of these points also improves the others. If you are more confident, it is much easier to contact new people. If you are that social guy who jokes a bit with everyone at a party, girls will want to get to know you and come to you. If you enjoy life, and have a lot of fun, people want to be around you, we all want to have fun right.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you can try to improve yourself in fun way. Diet can also mean eating more healthy, and you can also lose weight and improve your health with new activities/sports. That is also a great way to meet new people and improve your social skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Registering for a cooking course and/or club. A great way to have fun, become more healthy and meet people at the same time. Also a great activity on a date.   &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find nice activities or sports to do. The most important thing is that you enjoy it. Try new things, also things very different from what you usually do. You could force yourself to try something completely new every second week. It can be especially nice if you can bring a buddy with you. I am a typical guy guy, engineer, my favorite sport was kickboxing. But a friend dragged me to bikram yoga class, and I enjoyed it so much I registered. Never would have thought that, and I actually smirked and made fun of it quite a bit when she suggested it.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try some club or group to meet new people. When I moved to a new city and country I joined some groups at meetup.com. I met new people and had a lot of fun. There is something for everyone there; book clubs, wine clubs, cooking clubs and going to bars clubs. Or try some gaming related clubs, I think they are also out there.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last but not least, about social interaction with the opposite , I can highly recommend finding some information about something called the PUA, or pick-up artist community. This is a group of nerdy, analytical people, who have made it their mission to dissect the game of courting/flirting and romance in an understandable and almost technical way. I found it very enlightening and it helped me improve my social skills and understand people much better. The book 'the game' by Neil Straus describes how he came in to contact with it, became obsessed with it and got very good at it. It also describes all the facets about it in some detail. I found it very entertaining to read too. Be a bit careful with it though, some people almost get addicted to it,  and there are also some weirdo's and creeps who are in to it. Never loose yourself, and always treat other people with respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck with your quest, and most importantly, have fun!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T21:03:49.020" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17915" CreationDate="2018-08-30T23:28:14.333" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Something you might want to do, rather than lying about not liking wine or being teetotal, which you probably should be uncomfortable with as it might lead to issues later. Is simply to share that veganism often comes down to trying to remember from and keep up to date with lists of which products are always vegan friendly and which aren't. And admit that you're working on uncertainty but trying to play it safe, if you can include that you don't necessarily mean the wine itself, but the process (in italics in the quote), you might also come across more reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, saying something more like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No thanks, wine &lt;em&gt;bottling&lt;/em&gt; isn't always vegan and I can't check right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should come across more reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still don't believe you and keep laughing, there's a trick to disarming that social tension you can learn in management and &quot;personal presence&quot; classes where you essentially stay in your energy through the laughter and imply you understand but won't change your mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you remain stoic, (but don't frown, something between a slight smile and a blank expression is preferable, you're trying to seem reasonable but not upset) and once the laughter has died down, a simple &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wasn't joking, even wine production uses additives and animal products now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;said with a straight face&lt;/em&gt; will make it clear that you understand the reaction but want your choice respected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2595" LastActivityDate="2018-08-30T23:28:14.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18086" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-08-31T00:28:53.640" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who's experienced similar personal bullying and tried all the usually suggested methods with similarly no success, have you considered &lt;strong&gt;denying him social acceptance&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very simply, both of you exist in a broader social environment in which no-one wishes to feel alienated, if you ask people from your classes to denigrate his abusive behaviour as &lt;code&gt;dickish&lt;/code&gt;, or &lt;code&gt;tactless&lt;/code&gt; (i.e. not seem to be defending you, as opposed to simply finding him vulgar and mean), you can give the impression that the class will reject him if he keeps it up. Humans, having an innate fear of alienation, will tend to respond to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This anti bullying methodology of fostering an atmosphere of intolerance to anti social behaviour is being researched as one of the newer anti-bullying campaigns, in schools there's a tendency to try to make this seem &quot;cool&quot;, but this has a tendency to come off as cringy, but when implemented well, it seems to be effective. And more importantly, it seems it can be done by a single person to react to specific instances of bullying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of him telling you to stop talking if you interact in class, what you want is to have a friend with you who understands what you want, to respond directly to him, essentially calling him a dick, ask them to keep it short and blunt, you're not trying to raise a fuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case of something more like the suicidal character insult, assuming it might happen again, try to have another &quot;ally&quot; around willing to call out to the group what he just implied, in the tone of &lt;code&gt;who says that about someone?&lt;/code&gt;, or &lt;code&gt;This guy just tried to call her too ugly to commit suicide&lt;/code&gt;, something slightly exaggerated to get across how it would feel to have it said to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your personal reaction while others are doing this should be along the lines of &lt;code&gt;I know, right? What the f*ck?&lt;/code&gt;, essentially agreeing and trying to show something like a mixture of disgust and annoyance, without really acknowledging &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt; too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This all requires finding an ally willing to essentially be an actor for you, but if it works, it should spread out to the class that your bully is being tactless and dickish while you're just putting up with it, and the social pressure will likely slow or stop his behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it fails, maybe slap him (jk. don't actually resort to violence please).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2595" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T00:28:53.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18087" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-31T04:00:06.590" Score="10" ViewCount="1852" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am talking about a close family friend - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We travel daily on the same route almost during the same time, the other person has to travel about 8 kilometers more than me. So we decided to share the ride, planning to take our individual vehicles on alternate days. So if I am taking my car, I get down at my destination, he then drives my car to his. Sometimes we have to wait a little for each other. This went well for the first few days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now he has started to find some excuses to avoid taking his car, and almost always it will be mine. I think it's because he want to avoid his expense on fuel. How to politely tell him to stop this? If it's always mine, I don't have to waste my time waiting for him, or spend my fuel for the extra 8 kilometers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am worried about this because our families are close and I don't want this to be an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17712" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T09:53:31.753" Title="How to ask co-rider to share price for fuel?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18087" CreationDate="2018-08-31T08:10:16.287" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could tell them just like you told us. The key is to remain polite and not to sound accusatory in any way. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, I'd like to talk to you about our carpooling arrangement. I have noticed that we've commuted a lot with my car lately, so I wanted to know if everything was okay with your car?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;could introduce the fuel payment conversation. It gives them a chance to explain why they gave up on offering their own car to commute. This expresses your (maybe genuine?) concerns, and make them feel you're interested in their life and wellness (which is a good thing since you said your families are close).   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they imply that this is a temporary situation, ask them how long they think it's gonna last until the car is usable again. The key is to make them feel that 1) you feel their concern and &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; 2) you are yourself embarrassed by the situation.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's a temporary situation, then you could just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I'm glad it's gonna get fixed soon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the amount of time needed for the situation to get fixed is fairly short according to &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; standards, then &lt;strong&gt;there's no need to mention fuel expenses sharing&lt;/strong&gt;. However, if you feel that it's a situation that's likely to go on for a while, then you need to ask for financial participation. Tell them you'd be happy to help them, provided they participate in gas expenses.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You could go with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry you're encountering issues with your car right now. I'd be happy to drive you to work every day until the fixes are done, and since your workplace isn't that far to mine, I'll be fine that we pay the same amount for gas.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear (but politely) that paying for gas isn't an option if they want to benefit from carpooling. &lt;strong&gt;Be gentle, but firm&lt;/strong&gt;. This should suffice to make them understand you want them to get involved in the gas payment, but if they contest, you would tell them that you cannot afford to pay for gas that you don't have to use. You need to make it clear that paying for gas is to solve your issues, not theirs. This would not leave room for discussion and make it clear that you'd be happy to help provided they pay their due. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Frarugi mentioned in comments, some people may be bothered by the idea of paying for gas and would be more inclined to accept if you instead mentioned a &lt;strong&gt;&quot;returning the favour&quot; policy&lt;/strong&gt;. If your friend has their car blocked for 1 month, and so only yours can be used, then next month only your friend's car will be used for the commute. This does not make it seem like a &quot;payment&quot; for a service, but it is just like the &quot;today mine, tomorrow yours&quot; policy used until now, just on a bigger scale due to the &quot;emergency&quot;, and also solves the problem of the friend saying &quot;but your car consumes waaay more than mine&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-08-31T09:53:31.753" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T09:53:31.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18091" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-31T10:11:55.077" Score="68" ViewCount="21704" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in an allotment with a shared parking &lt;strong&gt;with assigned spots&lt;/strong&gt;. One of my neighbours always parks their car in front of the door of my building instead of in their assigned spot. They also have access to the parking but they would never use it, &lt;strong&gt;despite the fact that it's not allowed to park in front of the building&lt;/strong&gt;. The problem is, that the path where they park is not wide enough and so whenever they park in front of the building, it leads to two issues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Their car blocks some parking spots and therefore prevents people from parking in their spot,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If we already have parked in our assigned spot, their car prevents us from getting out of it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used my excellent skills in Paint to make a drawing of the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/eZb74.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/eZb74.png&quot; alt=&quot;Drawing of the &amp;quot;parking situation&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I've tried so far&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A year ago, I met them as they were getting out of their car after parking, and so I politely asked them if they had a reason to park here. They told me that their car's suspensions were too fragile to handle the little step that needs to be climbed to go in their assigned spot (the whole parking has such steps). Their explanation didn't make any sense to me (what car is not able to climb a 4cm step?) so I just let it go. They continued parking there since.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I thought of putting a note on their windscreen to tell them they block the way but I found it rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's already been accidents in the allotment. Their car is wrecked of getting bumped and my own landlord bumped their car because it was standing in the way. She warned them (and paid for the damage) and told them not to park there, but they haven't stopped doing it. &lt;strong&gt;I can't escalate to their landlord because they own their apartment. Bringing it to joint ownership meetings is a possibility, though (i.e. the allotment residents meetings).&lt;/strong&gt; We don't have a building manager or common-property manager.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I try to get my neighbour to park in their assigned spot instead of blocking the way?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Disclaimer&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My landlord told me she thinks this neighbour has OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), but I don't know that for sure since the neighbour never told me themselves.  They suspect OCD because of some behaviors of theirs, like stealing the whole building's doormats to cover their floor with them. They also have routines when they leave their car that makes me suspecting they indeed have OCD. If someone has experience with OCD, I'd be happy to get answers that take it into account as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;More details&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They indeed actually park their car &lt;strong&gt;right in front of the door&lt;/strong&gt;. It's not really a problem for pedestrians for we have a sidewalk between the street and the entrance door, so trollers can pass anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The 4cm step I mentioned is actually a &lt;strong&gt;slope&lt;/strong&gt;, so it's not a problem even for a car with delicate suspensions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We don't have (to my knowledge) municipal parking management units. Even though it existed, they actually could not do anything since, as an allotment, &lt;strong&gt;it is a private location&lt;/strong&gt; (and therefore a private road). The complex does not have any agreement with a private towing company to service the lot.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The location where they park is indeed a &lt;strong&gt;safety issue&lt;/strong&gt; regarding a  situation where there is fire or a resident shall leave in an ambulance.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We're not paying for the spot separately from our rent and utilities (it's a whole package). Therefore, we can't just threaten our landlord not to pay for the spot for she would talk to them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;There's no wheelchair users in my building. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My landlord lives in the condo below the bad parker.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-19T18:45:12.030" LastActivityDate="2021-04-15T02:48:39.650" Title="How to try to get my neighbour to park their car in their assigned spot?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18092" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-31T11:05:08.373" Score="2" ViewCount="464" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being around people is tiring for me (the more people, the worse it is, especially if I don't know them well). It also often causes me anxiety. When I'm really too tired, I just want to stay at home and do nothing, but I often feel like I &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to go and force myself to do it  (even if it makes me unhappy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I sometimes do&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I really don't feel like going, I just pick up a lame (but true) excuse and hope the person will not resent me for not coming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some of the excuses I used in the past:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, bars make me really uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, I have other things to do this week-end (do the food shopping which will exhaust me and prevent me from going to the party later).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lame excuses are lame and I fear people will take it personally (like I don't like them), especially if I do it too often. So, I'm thinking of telling them about my anxiety and my tiredness, but I also fear they will take it personally (my boss did when I told him that talking to him make me anxious). Also, I'm afraid some people will translate &amp;quot;people tired me&amp;quot; as &amp;quot;You are really tiring&amp;quot; (my aunt might be one of those people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how can I tell people (especially my aunt) that I might refuse some of their invitation without them taking it personally?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Notes and clarifications&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My aunt is insecure and, since her retirement, she sais things like: &amp;quot;No one come visit me, no one like me&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T16:59:04.573" Title="How to tell people that you will not go to their party without them taking it personally?" Tags="&lt;approach&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18093" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-08-31T11:05:47.193" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I see two ways of dealing with this: direct approach or delegate it to the landlord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 1: leave a polite note on their windscreen, to explain that parking their car outside the door makes it impossible for other residents to access their space, and would they please park in the allocated space in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it short and sweet (no need for threats) and see if it yields any result. If not, either jump straight to option 2, or leave a second note that is a bit more forceful in tone: end it by saying that if they continue parking here you will have to raise the issue with the landlord as you need unrestricted access to your designated space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Option 2: since you have a landlord, it seems like their responsibility to deal with these kind of disputes. If all residents have an allocated space, and this person isn't using it, seems a fairly clear breach of their tenancy agreement. The landlord should be able to deal with this directly with the tenant in question, and should they not get the matter resolved, ultimately I expect the tenant could face eviction for breaching the terms of their lease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm quite non-confrontational myself, and in my opinion, one of the benefits of renting is that you have a landlord who you're paying money to, who is responsible for ensuring you have use of the property in accordance with your agreement, so why not make it their problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T11:05:47.193" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-08-31T11:12:19.730" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you can do is talk to them again in person or write a letter to them about the situation. Tell them that what they do is not only against the rules of the place you live in, but also preventing others from parking in their assigned spots, preventing them from leaving, and causing accidents, so it is certainly unacceptable. They mentioned to you long ago their fragile suspension. That is something you should bring up again. Tell them that having that delicate a suspension as to not even handle a 4cm slope is not a valid reason for giving other residents these parking problems. Say everything politely but firmly to make sure the points get across to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still don't follow the rules, then it is time to make a complaint to the landlord or the people who manage the buildings and parking lots where you live. You said the landlord could not do anything about it because they own their apartment, but still they have no right to park there, and you need to insist that the landlord takes the appropriate action, because it is the landlord's responsibility to ensure everyone can park safely. As a last resort, the case can be referred to the police, because accidents certainly should not be allowed to happen, and ambulances and fire-fighting vehicles should be allowed to stop at the spot they park.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the OCD you mentioned, there are many types of OCD, and unless you know the details of the case, it is not possible to figure out how their OCD comes into the picture. If that is involved, that is something they will need to explain to you. Otherwise, you don't need to factor OCD into consideration. In any case, their OCD cannot be used as a reason for giving the residents these parking problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21370" LastEditorDisplayName="user21370" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T08:23:24.423" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T08:23:24.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18095" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18097" CreationDate="2018-08-31T11:24:17.963" Score="40" ViewCount="15041" Body="&lt;p&gt;A little over a year ago I changed my job. Now my previous employer (a small startup) has contacted me asking what it would take for me to come back. While the place was not at all bad and I left on fairly friendly terms (as much as possible when your leaving itself hurts the company), I really love my current workplace and have no desire to go back. I've already decided on a &quot;no&quot; for an answer, but I can't come up with a good way to put it that minimizes the chances of them being upset. I don't want to burn any bridges, who knows what the future holds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, I'm a person who really dislikes conflict, so when people try to pressure me, I tend to give in just to keep the peace. They, on the other hand, have no issues with pressuring people, and they could reeeeally use my help, so that's another thing I'm worried about.  I know I will not give in, but there is the potential for me becoming reeeeally uncomfortable. &lt;em&gt;I'm looking for some way of answering that leaves them with no further recourse but to accept it; where it's pointless to try and pressure me.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some options I've considered:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Saying that I want to come back, and name a salary too large.&lt;/strong&gt; This is risky. Obviously, there is &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; price at which I will move. If they promise me a million euros a month, I'll do it, of course. But where is that line? The real answer to that question I don't know myself. If I name the price too ludicrously high, I'm afraid it'll sound like I'm blowing them off. If I make it plausible, there's a chance they might actually offer it to me and then I'll have to either accept it, or tell them that I was lying. In addition, even if they do accept a very high salary, I'm not certain how long they would be able to pay it out. They have made some too optimistic decisions at past.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Saying that I won't come back because there are some &quot;personal&quot; or &quot;family&quot; reasons.&lt;/strong&gt; That's nonspecific enough and would prevent further prying (I think), but I also feel like this still sounds too much like an excuse. It's obvious that I'm not telling something and trying to avoid conversation. I doubt they will be happy with this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Telling them the truth by simply saying that I like the new place better.&lt;/strong&gt; I believe this would be just followed with more questions about what &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; do I like here better, insistence that their place is pretty good too, more offers of a bigger salary, and other kinds of pressuring.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... &lt;strong&gt;How can I politely decline a job offer from a previous employer, avoid them challenging my reasons for doing so, yet not burn bridges?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. Almost forgot - as for my culture, I'm from Europe. Hope that's enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21393" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-08-31T17:38:53.083" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T13:53:53.793" Title="How to decline a job offer from a previous employer, without burning bridges?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;employers&gt;&lt;jobs&gt;" AnswerCount="13" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18096" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-08-31T11:49:35.123" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have not been in a similar situation yet, so this is just my line of thought, rather than personal experience. I would not mention anything salary related, nor anything about the workplace, but build my answer around the work itself. Say that you find your current topic / project / assignment / whatever too interesting to leave in the middle of it. As you said, salary and workenvironment are points they could challenge. But dedication and interest in your current projects are a) making you look good, b) hard to argue against and c) hard for them to overbid.&#xA;It also does not burn bridges, as after the projects are over, you might be on the market again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4291" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2018-08-31T13:44:18.450" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T13:44:18.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-08-31T11:55:41.427" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't waste anybody's time on this one. You decided on no, so tell them. Don't lead them on by making any outrageous demands. This will give them the signal that there might be something to negotiate, which is something &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't want and is a complete waste of their time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say no, and if you want give the reason you don't want to follow up on their offer. If they try to pressure you into accepting either way, you can just ignore them. You have given your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T11:55:41.427" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-08-31T12:11:57.357" Score="58" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why&lt;/strong&gt; they choose to park at the door and block other people is irrelevant.  Their car may be made of glass, they may have OCD, they may be jerks that don't care about other people.  Whatever the reason, they need to not park there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with the other answers that this is something to take up with your landlord.  The way to get your landlord to take action is to contact her each time you notice the car parked at the door.  At some point it's going to be easier for her to tell the people not to park there than it will be to keep dealing with you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also suggest to your landlord to get movable signs or sandwich boards that say &quot;No Parking&quot; and have those up in a way to block parking at the door.  You could temporarily move those out to park.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry that you are being rude by contacting your landlord multiple times.  You are &lt;strong&gt;paying for a parking space&lt;/strong&gt;.   Even if your landlord isn't the landlord of the people mis-parking, the landlord still has responsibility to make sure that you have access to your parking space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T12:43:41.990" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T12:43:41.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-08-31T12:15:36.067" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;I could have written this question around a year ago, of course changing euros for CAD.  ;)  Seriously, this can be a tough place, especially if you knew (and know) the old boss quite well.  You don't want to make them feel like you're cutting them off, but you have to be honest.  Here are my suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Means of communication.&lt;/strong&gt;  If at all possible, avoid making the discussion a face to face conversation.  As a non-confrontational person, I knew before even trying that if I tried, my boss would either leave me feeling like &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; was responsible for cutting him off or he would end up getting me back part time or, or, or.  If you can, make the conversation written (email, chat, etc.).  Barring that, make it a telephone call.  It's a little less personally engaged, and consequently it's easier to treat the situation objectively.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Wording.&lt;/strong&gt;  On the one hand, if you did enjoy the work there, you can focus on the positive memories, but also be clear that you have found your niche at the new company.  Something like,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I enjoyed working for you, but I'm really happy at my new job, and I just don't feel any reason to change right at the moment.  I seem to have found my place here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the offer!  I really appreciate the value that you put on my work.  However, I've really found my niche at [xyz company] and unless something changes, I'm going to continue working for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be straightforward.  Don't hang off about it.  You have the right to choose where you work, and they have to understand that.  But also be careful not to throw a negative light on their company; your goal is not to put them down; it is simply to show that it's not the place for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="123" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T12:15:36.067" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18100" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-08-31T13:16:47.113" Score="98" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fire_marshal&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;United States and Canada, you can call a fire marshal&lt;/a&gt; (firefighters in France according to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/455/oldpadawan&quot;&gt;OldPadawan's&lt;/a&gt; comment) to come in and evaluate the entrance for fire code enforcement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They can order the installment of signs which say &quot;No parking or standing at any time&quot; and if the neighbor continues to violate the signs then you can call police to ticket them and/or have them towed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may consider involving your landlord or other parties but that's a gamble because if it costs money to put up the signs then they will sheepishly avoid it even if it solves the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To expand on my reasoning I would just like to point out that the person performing these transgressions is someone which has proven themselves to have a loose moral compass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person will always look for the most weaselly method of doing what they want. They are fully aware that repercussions do not exist and that any complainers thus far have no authority. They will gladly make you bend over backwards just to get your hopes up that they will consider your point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may politely listen to you and you could go on and on about inconveniences and safety hazards until you're blue in the face but at the end of the day they will smile and continue doing as they please.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T16:36:11.850" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T16:36:11.850" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-08-31T13:35:29.063" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;In essence your previous employer is kind of a &quot;recruiter&quot; in this situation so you could try a not-so-canned variation of the phrase which I use when recruiters contact me with relevant opportunities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for your interest in me but at this time I am not looking for alternate employment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is zero reason to mention anything personal such as liking your new job too much, or that you are working on an intense project which you enjoy, or saying anything bad about them, and definitely don't hint that you do have a breaking point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continue to press the issue and you wouldn't mind working for them again then just make sure you negotiate compensation to your liking and specify a minimum employment duration which entitles you to a substantial payout if they cannot maintain you for the agreed duration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T12:46:14.830" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T12:46:14.830" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18102" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18092" CreationDate="2018-08-31T13:40:56.550" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can completely understand where you are coming from Noon, I'm the exact same as you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having to be around people can be utterly exhausting sometimes. In my own personal experience it is always more than okay to just be honest and tell people that you are simply too tired. If they know you and respect you they shouldn't have a problem with you not being at something they are organising. I will often say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey (friend/aunt/person), thanks so much for the invite! I don't mean to disappoint you but I won't be able to come to (your party/dinner/event), I'm just too tired and could use a little time to myself to recharge. I hope you can understand.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the most part, people don't mind if you miss out on events occasionally. Your friends and family will understand that you need time to yourself and they probably won't mind giving you that time if you say you need it - after all, they're your family/friend so they care about you and your well being, if that means giving you a night to yourself to recharge then they should be okay with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wanted to, you could even suggest another time where you'd be willing to meet with whoever it is. You could grab a coffee together or go for a meal, or call over to their house or have them call to you. By suggesting something on your terms you know that it will be a small encounter consisting of just you and the person you've said it to and it will be for a more limited amount of time so you won't be as exhausted after it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps, just let me know if I've missed something and I will edit accordingly! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19380" LastEditorUserId="19380" LastEditDate="2018-08-31T13:49:41.477" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T13:49:41.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18103" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18120" CreationDate="2018-08-31T13:58:43.317" Score="126" ViewCount="42653" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this is a weird question, but I'm kinda annoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I met someone at my local gym. We started to talk from time to time and one thing leading to another we made out (not sexually) and are a couple as of today. We try to go slowly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's been a few weeks now, but &lt;em&gt;I still don't know whether they're a man or a woman.&lt;/em&gt; They're Asian, bisexual, with very androgynous traits. Their name doesn't help me, I can't read Chinese, and we speak English. Clothing style is as ambiguous as the rest. Earrings are kinda boyish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried a few time to notice whether they would go the the ladies' or men's bathroom to no avail. (Whether they didn't go, or it was a mixed bathroom.) They stopped going to the gym and I didn't notice before which changing room did they use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to tactfully check whether my new partner is a man or a woman? The result doesn't especially matter to me, but the uncertainty does. I'd like to know what to physically expect when I'll... you know...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person never presented themselves as transgender or as any unusual (statistically speaking, I don't mean to offend anyone) minorities. Even though we talked about similar topics, they never said anything showing they have any kind of special sympathy toward these people. AFAIK, they're not a member of the LGBT+ community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21396" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-01T13:28:02.843" LastActivityDate="2019-10-15T13:25:35.770" Title="How to tactfully check whether my new partner is a man or a woman?" Tags="&lt;europe&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="22" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18104" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-08-31T14:08:02.730" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds tricky to convince them, since the neighbor is already fine violating the standing rule with a very weak excuse for doing so. The other answers cover some good options, and I agree that this is probably something for the landlord (or whoever is responsible for administering the parking lot). But I'll add a few more ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Strict Enforcement&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The exact steps to be taken depend on the rules for the parking lot. If it's the sort of lot with rules and a statement that &quot;violators will be towed&quot;, then it's appropriate for the landlord to start contacting a tow truck and having the car removed when parked this way. If the police can asked to start ticketing the car, or take some other sort of formal action, that's another idea. Depending on how ownership is set up, they may not own the parking space or have any guaranteed right to use the lot at all (though I would imagine that they do have something like that). But if not, revocation of their privileges to use the lot could be appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is that there will be &lt;em&gt;consequences for your neighbor&lt;/em&gt; to keep breaking the rules. As things stand, your neighbor effectively &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; park as they have been-- they get everything they want, and there is no apparent downside to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Joint Ownership Meetings&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a good option, assuming that the meetings can impose something binding. Depending on what formal powers the residents actually have you can mete out a punishment directly or officially change the rules such that consequences can be applied in the future (such as adopting a policy that improperly parked vehicles will be towed at the owner's expense).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like this option because it expresses that the issue is a problem for a lot of people in the allotment and is indirect: it's not about attacking your neighbor, but rather about focusing on the rules and the reasons that those rules exist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Compromise&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one may or may not work (it depends on how honest your neighbor's suspension story is), but it could be less trouble to simply have everyone in the allotment chip in some money and have the step on your neighbor's space mitigated. That might be sanding down the step, installing a small ramp, or something similar. That removes the excuse for not parking there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people I know dislike this sort of appeasement, but if your neighbor is willing to park in their space without the step then this might ultimately be the least troublesome approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;OCD Note:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your neighbor wants to claim a feature of their OCD as a reason that they have a particular need to park there, they can do so. But that's an affirmative response (meaning they have to claim it), not something that you need to assume to justify their bad behavior. Unless your neighbor wants to offer this as the real reason for their parking habits I don't think you need to concern yourself with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OCD also doesn't address the competing needs the residents have-- it may be important to your neighbor to park there, but it's also important to the other residents that that area be clear. It's hard to see OCD overruling everyone else's interests in a situation like this, even if it is truly a factor (which is possible, I guess, but sounds shaky to me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T14:08:02.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18105" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-08-31T14:27:11.083" Score="26" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Involving third parties is the key&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, this is not an ideal question for ips.se, because it's the problem you generally &lt;em&gt;shouldn't&lt;/em&gt; be resolving 1-on-1 with the miscreant.  You have already taken this to the limits of fair negotiation.  Unless you have the negotiating skills of Tony Robbins, you are far more likely to accidentally escalate this, turn it into a feud, and have that turn &lt;em&gt;nasty&lt;/em&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, the police will tell you: &lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt; try to resolve these &lt;em&gt;mano-a-mano&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need third parties.  One way to involve them is making extra work for them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; parking space: it's one you are leasing.  You can lease another parking space that is not likely to be blocked by this person.   Ask the landlord to issue you another space that is nearly as good.  With luck, he'll have none free, then you can &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; start pushing him to rearrange the entire parking deck so that everyone gets a space only 1-2 spaces farther than their original.  That would be a big pain for the landlord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The scofflaw is also enjoying the fact that &lt;em&gt;only he&lt;/em&gt; is doing this, and the rest of you are bending over backwards to accommodate him.  It would be a much bigger problem if everyone did!  And that would force the landlord to action.  &lt;strong&gt;So everyone does it&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;em&gt;especially&lt;/em&gt; when you have the perfectly legit excuse &quot;I am unable to access my assigned space&quot;.  Eventually, the landlord is forced to put his foot down and roar &quot;Enough!&quot; And the scofflaw will get the message too.  After it settles down, the scofflaw will resume, because the can't resist limit-testing.  The day that happens, everyone also resumes the same excuse.  &lt;strong&gt;Deny him the scenario where &lt;em&gt;only he&lt;/em&gt; gets to do it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my country, if I am parked properly, and someone else parking improperly has blocked me in, I call the cops, they call their tow truck.  Tows only end one way: the scofflaw goes down to impound and pays to tow and impound fees. It's designed to be a penalty.  I would visit your police station and see how they do things there.  It may be he finds a ticket on his windshield every time he does it, or that your kerb needs a splash of red paint.   The cops will get sick of dealing with him too; in this case, you are motivating them to your cause by making them share the pain. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another pain-motivator is talking to the city planning department or fire department - parking is usually addressed in a building's construction or occupancy permits, do those plans/permits allow or prohibit parking there?  Does the fire department feel that if they needed to fight a fire in that building, they'd be OK with a line of cars against that kerb limiting access?  Your question would be entirely innocent: ”If he can do it, I can do it too, right?&quot; The pain-motivator will be on the landlord because he'll get the fines/order to remedy.  This is a heavy hit upon an innocent (if we define collaborators as &quot;innocent&quot;), so use it only as a last resort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like I say, not the ideal IPS question, because &quot;how do I interact successfully with the scofflaw&quot;, the gold-standard advice is &quot;you don't&quot;. But you can still interact with others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="12538" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T14:03:18.067" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T14:03:18.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18107" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-31T14:31:20.050" Score="7" ViewCount="351" Body="&lt;p&gt;My in-laws split a few years ago. The reason wasn't anything big (at least to my opinion) but this is not the point...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife has spoken with both recently and they both seem to regret getting divorced. They both admitted (separately) it was a mistake and wish it never happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my wife is getting the idea to help them get together again but I understand it's not that simple. They may just be saying it out of nostalgia or because their current situation is no better than the previous (they both live with someone else now but they are unhappy about their respective partner).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the question is, how to find out if they actually want to get back together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4505" LastEditorUserId="4505" LastEditDate="2018-09-01T19:51:15.540" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T19:51:15.540" Title="How can I find out if my in-laws want to get back together?" Tags="&lt;in-laws&gt;&lt;divorce&gt;&lt;reconnecting&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18108" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18113" CreationDate="2018-08-31T14:41:09.583" Score="10" ViewCount="874" Body="&lt;p&gt;So the title already gives some major details, but I’d like to evaluate further, to explain the situation better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m currently working on a short-term job, ending next week. The commute to this workplace partly corresponds with that of said woman, though we board at different stops. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you had to ask me what I know about her, I would have to admit that I know nothing. She seems interesting, dresses neatly, seems educated, and admittedly I like how she looks. So I’m judging a book by its cover, not knowing the contents. I know this may be pretty odd. But in any case, it would be nice to get to know her. Of course I realise that in doing so, my judgement may change and realise that we are simply very different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I want to do this in a very non-intrusive manner. Certainly not on the bus, with so many people around. We however get off on the same stop. Engaging in conversation on the bus is a no-go too, since she always has headphones on. Being in our 20s a note seems childish too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your opinions are highly appreciated! Cheers&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addition #1: I never successfully asked someone out directly. This makes me usually very nervous in a very obvious manner. Also, I’m leaving for a couple of weeks soon and when I return my commute may change (new job location etc) - so no guarantee that I’ll get many chances after next week! Maybe I should have though about this sooner...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21399" LastEditorUserId="21399" LastEditDate="2018-08-31T14:46:54.307" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T22:04:33.070" Title="How do I politely/non-awkwardly get to know/give my number to a woman on a bus, in a non-intrusive manner?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-08-31T14:51:40.000" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;A male friend of mine who cosplays as female characters a lot has oftentimes struggled to tell what gender a person is who is similarly cosplaying, and who may or may not be of different genders from their characters. I offered him some similar suggestions once he got started talking to some of them. &lt;em&gt;(Disclaimer: None of these are absolute guarantee of identifying if your 'SO' is a man or woman, but they may help.)&lt;/em&gt; If you fear a direct question will be interpreted badly, you could try a few of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For the humour of it, compare passport photos, old family photos etc. In many countries, babies and young children are dressed in more gender-specific clothing (blue for boys, pink for girls etc.). Some passports or drivers licences for example may specify a person's biological gender. This is no guarantee of their current status, but it might help.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Look to social media and/or how friends and family address them. Some languages use gender-specific wording when addressing someone. This may help who they at least identify as. If they're from a different country from you, ask about their upbringing. Certain local customs mentioned might lend themselves to one gender over another, giving you clues.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On the assumption that your own gender is obvious, try to establish (indirectly) through conversation what your partner's sexual persuasions are. If you're a man and she says she is straight, then she is a woman (or at least identifies as such).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T14:51:40.000" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-08-31T14:58:38.683" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of the other answer here doesn't seem to follow the &quot;tactfully check' element. That means you want an objective independent source of information; asking is not checking. Asking opens the door to ambiguity and not to mention the most important aspect it can cause irreversible offense. The average person would get offended with that question (which is why the OP is asking the question here). I would imagine if your answer is &quot;simply ask&quot; then you haven't really read the OP's question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it's important to know that the OP is trying to find out biologically which sex the person is. The OP wants to know what to physically expect, not the self-identification aspect. So asking would likely either offend the person or get you the person's gender and not their biological sex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do is to show them your funny looking identity card of sorts and  have a laugh about it... Then you claim that it's unfair that they have seen you but not the other way around, at this point, hopefully they would shyly produce their ID card and then you can freely check out how old they are and which natural sex they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another super easy method that you can use is simply ask to add them on social media. There must be clues in their pictures and/or how their friends interact with them. Pronouns and clothing, for example... Or how their family/friends addresses them (brother/sister/son/daughter/my girl/my boy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;=== Proof that ID are more likely to be correct than asking ===&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Premise 1 : Your ID naturally shows your birth sex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Premise 2 : Not 100% of the country allows you to change your birth sex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Premise 3 : If someone cares about concealing their birth sex enough to alter their government ID, then it follows that they will not simply tell you the truth just like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Situation 1:&#xA;Person is XY, ID still says XY, he identifies as male.&#xA;Both asking and Checking ID both give correct SEX (male).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Situation 2:&#xA;Person is XY, ID still says XY, he identifies as female.&#xA;Asking gets you GENDER (female), checking gets you the native sex (male).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Situation 3:&#xA;Person is XY, ID is changed to say XX, he identifies as female.&#xA;Both Asking and Checking ID give you incorrect sex (female).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, checking ID is &quot;at least as correct&quot; as asking and in some cases, more correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19852" LastEditorUserId="19852" LastEditDate="2018-09-12T03:35:19.480" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T03:35:19.480" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-08-31T14:59:37.133" Score="48" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Ask them what pronouns they prefer.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For members of the LGBTQ+ community, this is generally a reasonable and respectful question regardless of the physical appearance of the person.  It indicates that you are not assuming that their preferred gender and their apparent gender are the same, but neither does the question imply that you think they are different.  You just don't know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, this won't necessarily tell you what the physical sex of your partner is, but it does open the door to conversations about gender where you might be able to find out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Even if they are not members of the community, the question is probably still fine.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are not a member of the LGBTQ+ community, they are more likely to be surprised by your question.  But that does not mean that they are unfamiliar with it, or would take it amiss if you asked.  Unless you are unusually bad at reading faces this is probably not the first time your partner has caused confusion about their gender.  A tactful, reasonable question about their gender would likely be well received even if they had not heard it asked before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastEditorUserId="7752" LastEditDate="2018-08-31T16:07:13.773" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T16:07:13.773" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-08-31T15:06:38.100" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just ask, after setting up the topic in a way that makes the question natural. There is already too much cloak-and-dagger character to your concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Begin or steer a conversation towards gender identity (mention a celebrity, a recent controversy, watch &lt;em&gt;Zoolander 2&lt;/em&gt;, there are lots of avenues), describe your own situation (&quot;I've always identified with my biological sex and consider myself a [whatever is true of you]&quot;, or something similar). Then you can present a statement like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I've never asked, how have you considered your gender over the course of your life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is only so naturally a question as blunt and direct as this can be asked, and if it's legitimately not a big deal to you either way then it shouldn't be that big of a deal to ask about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T15:06:38.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18113" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18108" CreationDate="2018-08-31T15:35:40.320" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;It might be too late for this method, but this is usually how I end up &quot;knowing&quot; people that I initially only recognize by sight.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When eye contact is made, smile and nod hello/goodbye.  No words.  Works with headphones.  Don't maintain eye contact for more than a second or two after the nod exchange.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When MUTUAL non-verbal greeting starts to occur; now you can start adding in words, &quot;hello&quot;, &quot;hiya&quot;.  Eventually, ramp up to compliments and greeting-questions.  &quot;Hey, that hat is great!&quot; &quot;How are you today?&quot;&#xA;If she is wearing headphones all the time- this step may prove difficult-  I've never tried, but I'd guess that trying to mime this stuff could be just as endearing.  Just to clarify:  it is not the intent to engage in conversation at this point, merely to exchange pleasantries.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the person ignores you, well, then this method has failed.  But usually, people will start to respond: After a few instances of this, the ice is broken; Attempting to engage in conversation with this person is now socially acceptable, and will no longer be considered intrusive. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;At this point, it's time to simply ask her out. Keep it simple and make clear what you want. It sounds like just after exiting the bus is the best time. If you exit the bus first, just turn around and wait for her, then approach directly from her front, with a smile and small wave.  Watch her face as you approach, this could clue you in that she does NOT want to interact.  If it is clear that she does NOT want to approached by say.. avoiding eye contact - then don't, today is not the day.  If she keeps up eye contact, maybe raising her eyebrows, you're good.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I suggest simple wording like: &quot;Hi.  My name is Grey, and I would very much like to take you for a cup of coffee.&quot;  Notice you haven't even asked her out here,  you have simply stated what YOU wanted.  She can now choose to go with you, or not, without being put &quot;on the spot&quot; to reject your offer.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17674" LastEditorUserId="17674" LastEditDate="2018-08-31T17:22:50.367" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T17:22:50.367" CommentCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18115" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-08-31T15:45:25.803" Score="3" ViewCount="678" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a younger sibling that has been out of high school a year. He's had one short term temp job and is now looking for another job. In my free time I browse jobs that I think he'd do well at, but there is always a problem with them. These are usually something like him not fitting every requirement in the job posting. I then try to explain that as long as you fit the general description of what they're looking for, there's no harm in applying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, he wants to start his own business down the road, but would like a source of income first. After he rejected several jobs I had told him about, I asked him what he's looking for. All he says is that he wants something that doesn't make him tired and miserable after getting off work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate with him to find out exactly what he's looking for so that I can help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21403" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T13:08:43.237" Title="How can I communicate with my sibling about getting a job" Tags="&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18116" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18115" CreationDate="2018-08-31T16:17:53.090" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since your sibling does not have much experience with previous jobs, maybe the best approach is to convince him about finding a job only to help him to realize what he likes. Is quite hard to know what one likes or dislikes is you have barely experienced a job.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;He does not need to see the job as the ending of something, but as a milestone in the way. By having different jobs he'll discover for sure what he really likes.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;By talking to him about having a job only with the purpose of getting experience, you'll force him to describe at least what he does not like about certain jobs available.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Fortunately, he's brief description (avoiding feeling tired and miserable) is quite wise, because is a feeling, not an idea. To feel something means that you must experience it first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, once you have convinced him about that concept. The next step is to ask him to describe what he dislike about a specific job offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What about this job, do you think you'll enjoy it or dislike it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe his answer will describe his expectations, if he does not seem to sure. Your next move might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since you don't seem to hate that job, give a try for some time, to let you gain some insight about how you feel in that kind of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he declines the idea, he has to give you an argument, otherwise your previous sentence still apply. But, if he describes what he dislike about that job, you'll have some information you need to find out what he is looking for.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By repeating the cycle with other jobs, each rejection will carry a description of the job he expects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20341" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T16:17:53.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18117" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18108" CreationDate="2018-08-31T16:20:29.897" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone and directly approach her.  The fact that you haven't previously, on a more casual level, in some manner, kind of puts you in this bind where you now need to be a bit more direct because of the time factor.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a disclaimer, I'm very shy about approaching people, and this would definitely tie me into knots, and I'd probably wind up doing nothing except, later, thinking back wistfully on another opportunity passed by, but I find I have a lot more courage when advising others from behind my keyboard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The approach I suggest is, just after exiting the bus, walk up to her, so she sees you coming, make eye contact, and if she still has the headphones in, give a little wave, while looking like you'd like to say something to her.  If she removes the headphones just tell her - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You've been meaning to approach her and chat on the bus, but you're a bit shy and you didn't want to intrude.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Introduce yourself by first name, hopefully get hers in exchange, and offer a handshake.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You'd like to share a cup of coffee (or something casual) with her and get to know her a bit better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hopefully there's some kind of shop within a block or so of your bus stop, so there's a convenient and publicly visible location, to put her at ease about it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask if she'd be interested, as a stop after work, and suggest a day very soon.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's not interested, thank her for her polite consideration and wish her a nice day. Accept the &quot;no,&quot; if it's the reply, but hope, as we all will, that she will accept your offer for an ice-breaking beverage stop.  Hopefully we'll see a &quot;what in the world do I talk about on a casual 'date'?&quot; question from you in the near future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6146" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T16:20:29.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-08-31T16:30:48.333" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would find it very rude to take any action before politely asking them to move it. It would be best to just ring their bell and talk about it. you could take the following in consideration:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't ask/tell them to park in their spot. It really is not your business if they do or don't, as long as it is not bothering you anymore, it is fine.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give them details about why it is bothering you, so they know it is not because you like complaining or ordering people around.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show them you care about whatever reason they may give for putting it there, some compassion helps a lot to keep things friendly and make sure someone does not feel offended.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever reason they may give, it does not give them the right to hinder you. Politely insist that they park somewhere else.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say something like this: 'I understand that it can be difficult for you to park in the spot, or a bit further away, but I cannot get in to my spot like this. I am sorry, but I will have to ask you to park it somewhere else'. This is a kind request, they should react by apologizing and promising to park somewhere else, if they don't, continue with 'It is not allowed to park in that place, and because of your car I cannot get in to my assigned spot, I will have to insist that you park it somewhere else'. If they still won't comply, I would follow up with a last warning: 'Please park your car in another place from now on, otherwise I will have to sue you/file a formal complaint/bring it up in a meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: Several people have suggested that the gentle approach has already been tried and that it is time for stronger action. I don't agree with that. In this specific case it has already been more than a year since the subject came up, and it was not a very strong way to say it(as I understand it). It makes sense to me to try it again, but much more clear and persistent.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general it is never a bad idea to give someone another chance to do the right thing, it does not cost anything more that one or two minutes of your time. Going for a direct attack from the start has a big chance of ending in a fight. A fight with a neighbor should always be avoided, no matter whether you are right of wrong. It can be extremely difficult and many people have moved to another house because of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastEditorUserId="8064" LastEditDate="2018-09-02T18:49:18.910" LastActivityDate="2018-09-02T18:49:18.910" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18119" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-08-31T16:32:31.610" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're an &lt;em&gt;alumnus&lt;/em&gt; (or alumna) of the old company now. This means that as you quit on positive terms, it is fine to feel some kind of attachment to them, if just for memory's sake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having options is always good. You may not want to change jobs right now, but things might be different in your new company later, and you might change your mind in a year, or three. Or you may meet colleagues from the old company in some job function later. So, I would not only not burn bridges, but even take opportunities like this to make a positive impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have already said that your answer is &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; right now; and you don't want to give them a too abrupt &amp;quot;no&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some options I've considered:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naming a salary too large.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a form of lying - you'd lie about your intention to come back. It is totally uncalled for and will get you into all kinds of troubles (not legal ones, but your conscience will remind you about it, later).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying that there are some &amp;quot;personal&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;family&amp;quot; reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, a form of lying. This line is appropriate if there is a somewhat hostile environment anyways; it is a somewhat unattackable defensive line if you simply do not want to disclose something which you are not legally enforced to disclose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's nonspecific enough and would prevent further prying (I think),&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would still leave a bad aftertaste. Your old employer would think about what on earth could be &amp;quot;personal&amp;quot; reasons that were so important that you could not come back, but could not disclose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply saying that I like the new place better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would be burning bridges, to a degree. I mean, obviously you like the new place better, or you would not have quite in the first place, but still.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end, my way would be to thank them kindly, and then firmly say no, while leaving a line open:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nice to hear from you again, we had a good time together. I'll stay at my new company for the foreseeable future, but is it alright if I keep you in mind and contact you if that decision should change?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously, this leaves a certain line of attack open for your erstwhile employers; e.g. they could just come nagging next month (&amp;quot;so... have you made up your mind...&amp;quot;). If you find a way to formulate this to make it clearer that you are talking about the &amp;quot;long-term&amp;quot; future, all the better. But if they do that, then on their &lt;em&gt;next&lt;/em&gt; request, you can give a firm no:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi Xyz,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;thanks for thinking highly of me, but I will stay at Company B.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kind regards, AnonymousClone&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; do not get the message:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi Xyz,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll stay at Company B, and have no intention of changing jobs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Kind regards, AnonymousClone&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still ask again after &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;, make a new IPS post with the new information. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally: I also am conflict-averse and one way I found that helps is to &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; emotionally detach yourself from your mails (or if it's a phone call, make up your line up front, maybe even write it down, and deliver it in cold blood). Even if writing a single &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; kills you internally, sometimes it's just necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck, and have fun practicing the &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; skill!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T18:54:45.707" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-08-31T16:34:53.753" Score="88" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's take a few steps back...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The result doesn't especially matter to me, but the uncertainty does. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also say that you're annoyed and have been trying to make note of which bathroom they use and the like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are somewhat incongruent. It doesn't matter or it does. There's nothing necessarily wrong with having preferences, but be honest with yourself about your preferences. You may be bisexual and enjoy dating both men and women, but it sounds like you may not be pansexual, as in, you may be less comfortable dating someone who may not be comfortable in either of those binary categories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking another step back, you need to know what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; mean by &quot;&lt;em&gt;man or a woman&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Are you talking about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sex   &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(the anatomy of an individual's reproductive system, and secondary sex characteristics)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gender    &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(typically used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Presentation/Expression&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(how someone outwardly expresses their gender through dress and/or behavior)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this person's presentation is androgynous, that obviously leaves you clueless about their gender, and sex. Their presentation &lt;strong&gt;may&lt;/strong&gt; be telling you that they'd rather not be identified, or labeled, as either male or female... &lt;strong&gt;Or it may not....&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, you don't know without asking, and asking will be an awkward conversation no matter what the case may be. Whether they strongly identify as a particular gender, and you haven't picked up on it, or if they'd rather not identify as a particular gender... this is likely to be an uncomfortable conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no &lt;em&gt;sure&lt;/em&gt; way to get around it. Many people don't use the restrooms, clothing, or other constructs that correspond to their assigned sex/gender, so trying to use these as sign posts may not give you the information you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to know, you're going to have to ask. Just be sure you know what you're asking, why you're asking, and what you intend to do with the information once you have it. Does it really matter to you, and if it does, why does it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as the conversation goes, be honest, but be gentle. Try to be self aware and aware that these are questions that may be intensely uncomfortable for the person you're asking. If the answers really don't matter, consider letting them disclose in their own time and in their own way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few answers here mentioned checking state issued ID. That isn't exactly a great suggestion for a few reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Many countries allow folks to change their names, and the sex/gender listed on their state issued identification, birth certificates etc. without requiring surgical transition. And &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_recognition_of_non-binary_gender&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;some places&lt;/a&gt; allow nonbinary gender markers on IDs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This means that the sex listed on their ID may not match their plumbing. (So, if that's what you really want to know, ID won't necessarily tell you that.)  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Some people who are in the process of transitioning and have yet to do the legal paper work shuffle will not be likely to show you their ID. If the ID card lists a name and sex that they no longer identify with, this may be an intensely uncomfortable/delicate question and asking may be seen as a pretty huge invasion of their privacy. The same goes for some agender, intersex, and gender-fluid folks. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Basically the information on their ID card may lead you to make inaccurate assumptions, and asking to see their ID may be seen as incredibly invasive.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-09-02T22:08:48.067" LastActivityDate="2018-09-02T22:08:48.067" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-08-31T16:36:27.833" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are considering what lie to tell.  This is unproductive.  Consider how to tell the truth - you're happy where you are and don't want to leave.  &quot;Thank you for the offer  I'm flattered, but have no plans to leave my present job at the moment&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4899" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T16:36:27.833" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18123" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-08-31T18:27:39.597" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;One possible way to find more information (not necessarily all, though) about &lt;em&gt;a person&lt;/em&gt;'s sex is to go together to the beach, an aquatic park, a swimming pool, or any other place where normally little clothing is worn. (Update: better yet, a nudist beach or nudist activity. Thanks to a comment for that! [now deleted])&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But perhaps the most appropriate way to find that info about &lt;em&gt;your partner&lt;/em&gt; might be to ask. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Though if you do not care anyway, why ruin the suspense? ;-) )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update &quot;to back up this answer with supporting information, as required by site rules&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is a good or bad idea depending on various specific, minute details of the involved people and their circumstances only known by them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I suggest this because it was not yet suggested at the time I posted, and it is (to me) a very obvious way to get more information about a person's physique. Whether appropriate or not &lt;em&gt;for them&lt;/em&gt;, only they can decide.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I thought it was pretty obvious, but going together to a place were normally little clothing is worn&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is tactful, because such is the dressing code of the place, and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;more skin is usually exposed, which allows more information about the body to be gathered: male genitalia tend to be at least insinuated, so presence or absence are telling; males often bare their chest, while females cover their mammary glands.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17603" LastEditorUserId="17603" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T12:09:08.160" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T12:09:08.160" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18124" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-08-31T18:50:22.147" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you should just have a discussion about sex to set expectations. You can start with basic questions about how soon that may or may not happen, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a completely normal and reasonable discussion to have when getting together with someone, and segues nicely into discussing specifics about what they like and what they want (or don't) in a relationship sexually and otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So just have this discussion that you should have anyway, which often has an expected degree of awkwardness, but can be used to set expectations about any aspect of your relationship. At that point, depending on your partner, you could ask how much experience they've had with sex, likes and dislikes, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask about their preferences with specific acts, you may get an answer that tells you what to expect regarding their physical sex characteristics, which seems like the main thing you don't want to be surprised by (it could certainly be awkward to expect one body part but get another, even if you're open to it going either way--if that made you hesitate, it could make them feel unwanted, so better to get it out of the way instead of being surprised in the moment).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&#xA;Also in the vein of talking about sex and to offer a more concrete example: prior to actually having sex, you could talk about sexual fantasy. You can ask what they think about that turns them on, and if the right situation arises, you could ask for them to describe what they'd like you to do to them, or ask them to describe what you'd see if they undressed (possibly over the phone. Exactly how to approach it depends on how shy or how direct this person is, which may be influenced by culture).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21407" LastEditorUserId="21407" LastEditDate="2018-09-01T07:03:54.540" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T07:03:54.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-08-31T19:03:14.303" Score="32" Body="&lt;p&gt;When a person outwardly presents as androgynous, there are two cases to consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They intentionally present as androgynous, and may not (yet) be comfortable discussing/revealing their anatomy with you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They have a naturally androgynous appearance, and may be embarrassed to be mistaken for a different sex&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the first case, your partner is aware of the need to resolve this issue before an awkward reveal in the bedroom. If you ask them outright, they probably won't be upset by the question, but may be uncomfortable answering. If that's the case, express support and wait until they are ready to have that conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the latter case, any attempt to ask outright may be extremely embarrassing and/or offensive to them. Invite them to participate in an activity that would necessarily reveal their sex innocuously, such as going to a beach or pool, or to dress up for a fancy dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10211" LastEditorUserId="2855" LastEditDate="2019-10-15T13:25:35.770" LastActivityDate="2019-10-15T13:25:35.770" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18108" CreationDate="2018-08-31T22:04:33.070" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Considering the time issue, I have come up with the following solution based on the replies of @PoloHoleSet and @Glurth:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My next bus with her is on Monday, while my last bus is on Friday. Friday 7th I leave the country and return on the 20th.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Monday to Thursday I try to simply nod, and smile. When I sit next to her, I try to say hello or goodbye if the situation arises (i.e. if she doesn't have headphones on). So far, when she was looking at me I simply turned my head away, trying to avoid eye contact. I guess I didn't want to seem too obvious.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Based on the reaction I get from these subtle actions, I'll decide what to do on Friday. If she smiles back or nods, then I'll simply pass her a piece of paper with my number. I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of 'Hey, I'm Grey. I'd like to take you out for coffee when I return from [generic country] in two weeks time, if you're interested. Have a nice day!' - if she texts, then great. If not, then no problem I suppose; most probably I won't see her as often afterwards, even if we live in a small village.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well...this will surely put my GAD treatment to the test. I'm nervous just thinking about it. Quite frankly I'm just afraid of the outcome - so many variables at play. Eg., will the fact that I'm asking her to meet me in two weeks time put her off? Or am I rushing things, trying to achieve a month's work in a week? I don't know...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All I know is that the last time I bottled up my feelings for someone, once I got to know her well things went south after a couple of years when we ended up living together under the pretence that we mutually viewed ourselves as just friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21399" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T22:04:33.070" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18107" CreationDate="2018-08-31T22:40:51.760" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best way to approach the situation is for you or your wife, or both of you, to talk to each of her parents separately. Ask them how they feel about the separation and their current living situation.  Ask them if they really do want to get back together, why they want to get back together, and what might be stopping them from pursuing that. Then, ask if they feel comfortable bringing it up with their former spouse. Offer to approach the spouse with them if they feel more comfortable that way. Encourage them to keep the conversation casual and not put too much pressure on it too soon. Perhaps they could schedule a date-like activity for them to just spend time together, whether or not they broach the topic at that time. Encourage them to keep spending time together, for it will help them decide whether getting back together is what they want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like another big part of the equation is your wife. It sounds like she really wants them to get back together, so make sure to communicate with her openly through all of this so that she maintains reasonable expectations. Be there for her if her parents decide not to get back together and she's disappointed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, when you're talking to your in-laws, remember to keep the focus on them, and not what you and your wife are hoping for. Help them decide what the best course of action is for each of them and for their relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T22:40:51.760" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-08-31T23:04:07.903" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I understand it right, your landlord owns your appartment (maybe others), and this person owns their own apartment. This is France, so I don't know the particular rules. Here is how it works in my experience in other places:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First step, you go to your landlord and complain to him that you can't use your parking space. Bring a few photos of that car parked there and hindering you. Tell your landlord that he needs to either make sure that you can park your car, or you will ask for the rent to be reduced. Make sure that your landlord (whose help you need) gets this right: You don't actually want to pay less rent, you want your parking space. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, your landlord will now go to that person and tell them that the landlord's rental income may go down because of that person's behaviour, and they will hold them responsible. If that person doesn't react, you insist that your rent gets reduced, and the landlord will send that person the bill promptly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There will very likely be a meeting of the homeowners once or twice a year, and it will come up at that time as well. Where I lived, all nine owners met twice a year, together with a lawyer who got paid to run the building, and that's the place where such problems would come up (lucky enough, nothing like that happened at our place). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be nice and friendly to your landlord, because it's not their fault, but it is their responsibility. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-08-31T23:04:07.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18092" CreationDate="2018-09-01T01:52:41.443" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Etiquette does not require you to give someone an explanation when you turn down an invitation. In fact, it discourages it. The excuse is likely to offend more than the refusal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To quote Miss Manners/Judith Martin: &quot;Miss Manners...has always declared specific excuses to be unnecessary when one promptly and graciously declines by expressing regret.&quot;&#xA;(&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/05/AR2010010503532.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/05/AR2010010503532.html&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just turn them down, &quot;promptly and graciously&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Bowling? Thank you so much for inviting me, but I have to say no.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they're rude enough to demand &quot;Why?&quot; (and it would be rude), you still don't give them an answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Why?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, it's just not possible. But, again, thank you for thinking of me.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Why?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Because I have to say no.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;But why?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Because it's just not possible. Thank you so much for inviting me--please excuse me, I have to put out a fire.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Miss Manners put it another way in this tweet: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://twitter.com/RealMissManners/status/980966061506990083&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://twitter.com/RealMissManners/status/980966061506990083&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More links:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-turn-down-an-invitation-2017-6&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-turn-down-an-invitation-2017-6&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/1987/08/02/why-an-invitation-is-not-an-insult/69204fdc-a91a-44a1-ae32-280e69d9d50a/?utm_term=.12d21b7423ce&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/1987/08/02/why-an-invitation-is-not-an-insult/69204fdc-a91a-44a1-ae32-280e69d9d50a/?utm_term=.12d21b7423ce&lt;/a&gt;  (with a little more discussion of why an excuse can be ruder than no excuse)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Miss Manners is a widely recognized etiquette expert in the US, though she seems quite comfortably familiar with etiquette in the UK as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One useful search string for even more links is &quot;an invitation is not a summons&quot;. And that's the point. The default, when receiving an invitation is not a requirement to attend unless you have a really good excuse for declining. You don't need an excuse for declining. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet another search string, when you're thinking, &quot;How can I possibly refuse to explain?&quot; (and explain and explain and explain) is &quot;don't JADE&quot;. The acronym stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. When you make a decision that is completely within your authority, it's often unwise to behave as if you owe the other person an explanation or need to persuade them to give their permission.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2011/05/jade-good-for-jewelry-bad-for.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2011/05/jade-good-for-jewelry-bad-for.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the smallest of pseudo-explanations (&quot;Oh, I'm so sorry, I have plans.&quot;) may be OK with some people--people who know the etiquette and know that they have no right to an explanation. It's a little frill that may soften the interaction. But with some people, even the hint of an explanation is an invitation to debate, and you don't want to invite that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastEditorUserId="20981" LastEditDate="2018-09-01T16:59:04.573" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T16:59:04.573" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-09-01T07:19:29.353" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's another approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are lots of &quot;getting to know you&quot; conversations that could get your partner to talk about their identity. Some topics were mentioned previously, but I have a few more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could ask if their name is usually male or female (some names in some countries can be both). Since you presumably can't guess more about their gender by name, you can use your ignorance of their culture as a point of curiosity to start a conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask what it was like growing up, going to school, etc. This is especially helpful if they grew up in another country. You can ask something specific in this conversation, like how were boys/girls treated, and what was your partner's experience. Talk about your own experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask casually if they ever plan on having children. If it doesn't seem too serious—but I think this is a reasonable question to ask by a third date. Age is also a factor, since if you're young and the relationship is new, it may not be the most relevant to your lives right now. At any rate, getting to know your partner's goals in life or a good thing (you could also ask the more low key question about what their goals are, but that's more vague). Of course, they could say they want to adopt and leave it at that, which is no help, but there are no guarantees—it always depends on how the conversation goes.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21407" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-01T13:28:41.327" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T13:28:41.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18135" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18142" CreationDate="2018-09-01T12:06:11.283" Score="3" ViewCount="460" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually have no problems making friends but it seems that I always seem to have trouble keeping them, not because of misunderstandings or anything but because it just gets super awkward for the two of us to be alone together after a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5137" LastEditorUserId="5137" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T14:01:36.457" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T14:01:36.457" Title="How to sustain friendships" Tags="&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-09-02T03:48:57.067" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-09-01T12:26:27.570" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am from Europe and I think a lot of the existing answers are not meant for Europeans. For most of Europe (all the parts I have lived in at least), Gender is Biology and not a self-personification like in the U.S. I can say that asking the conversation about pronouns or having them clarify the American version of Gender will lead to a really awkward and confusing conversation. So I would avoid this conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably ask another person that either they work with or is somewhat familiar with them what their gender is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask them to say something in their language, pretend to learn the language or something and see if they respond feminine or masculine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some others have mentioned asking for a name and that might work as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some mentioned comparing photo IDs. I think this would work for passports. Most of us have to carry a passport and ask to see a passport from the country or ask him if you can see if he has had such and such document and you want to compare it to yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also &lt;strong&gt;avoid&lt;/strong&gt; asking about personal life experiences. Most of us are &lt;strong&gt;not open&lt;/strong&gt; like Americans are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe try calling the person dude or brother in the language and ask if you can use that since you cannot pronounce the name. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked this question to my girlfriend and she says to just ask what gender they are and get the awkward conversation over with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13000" LastEditorUserId="152" LastEditDate="2018-09-02T08:43:11.233" LastActivityDate="2018-09-02T08:43:11.233" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18135" CreationDate="2018-09-01T12:51:35.003" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a challenge to sustain friendships, especially as we get older.  One thing that I've noticed is that awkward moments occur when there's nothing going on.  I've also found that relationships tend to improve when we do things with one another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One solution to this is actually not that complicated: do something when you're together.  You talk about being alone together - what are you doing in that time?  If it's just sitting around, that has the potential to be very awkward very quickly, especially for guys.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go bowling.  Go to the nature center.  Go to the range.  Invite your friend to attend a lecture with you.  Attend a worship service together and discuss that afterward.  Learn to golf.  Help your friend with a project at their house.  Do something charitable together.  The main point is: build your friendship on shared experiences together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T12:51:35.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18135" CreationDate="2018-09-01T13:54:13.430" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Concur with @baldPrussian, above...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few years ago I found myself going to meditation meetings during which about 20 minutes would be spent &quot;in meditation&quot;.  The background here isn't important, except to say that this particular meeting only lasted about a year and I hadn't &quot;meditated&quot; before or since. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest benefit that came of this practice, for me, was that I learned to quiet my own thoughts, not silence them outright, but cut the roar in my own head, to a din -- I learned to be with myself, which in turn allowed me to be comfortable in &quot;awkward&quot; moments. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just another tool...I hope this helps...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good Luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20645" LastEditorUserId="20645" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T13:34:34.017" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T13:34:34.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17519" CreationDate="2018-09-01T16:24:48.180" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've been developing a problem that I don't think they're taking seriously enough. I don't want to insist, it'd seem like I was telling him how to do his job. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to discuss what you think the problem is and ask how they can fix it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they explain that there is no problem then you should expect that waiting for them to fix it is pointless. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If they agree that there is a problem then you need to discuss a schedule by which time you should expect this matter to be dealt with.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The reasoning behind that advice&lt;/strong&gt; is that you have brought this up with them and they have provided you with an answer. If you didn't understand part of the answer, why it's not a problem, then that's the portion that needs a better explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know you are correct and that they are wrong you need to take your business elsewhere. Indeed, with something more complicated than what you are qualified to know about, you can seek another opinion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question arises: If the next dentist agrees with the first will you accept that, or if two out of three isn't enough will it need to be three out of five? You need to obtain a satisfactory explanation that you understand otherwise you will continue to question what is being said to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's necessary to book an hour long appointment to discuss this then that's what you need to do. The dentist probably won't mind being paid to talk instead of working on your teeth, since &lt;strong&gt;you are paying for it&lt;/strong&gt;. If you try to book for a procedure at a fixed price then &lt;strong&gt;want a free consultation&lt;/strong&gt; thrown in for good measure that comes out of the dentist's pocket instead of yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should be able to ask for a recommendation to an expert in the particular field of dentistry that is specific to your problem. There are a limited number of experts whom have taken the extra training to specialize and being recommended to them is necessary to book an appointment in most cases. You &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; visit another dentist and ask if they will refer you to an expert.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only you can decide if the problem lies with: the explanation, the listener, the dentist. If you are in any pain you should change dentists. If you are worried that one tooth is a little crooked then perhaps the dentist doesn't believe that you would want to pay over a thousand dollars to fix it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to explain what you think the problem is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to obtain an explanation that you understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask if they will remedy your complaint even if it's a trivial matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To spell out the reasoning, &lt;strong&gt;for others&lt;/strong&gt; whom would say that the reasons were not provided, it's your mouth and you are paying for it. Your dentist should take your complaints seriously and you should take an expert's advice seriously. If you don't have confidence in your dentist you need to go elsewhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not scheduled to see him again for a few months, so if I go with the &quot;tell him&quot; option do I need to call him first or just make an appointment with someone else myself, and what do I say once I go back next time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Call your dentist soon and book an appointment for a consultation. Use the time to discuss this beginning to end to your complete satisfaction. You can ask for referral to an expert if you feel it's necessary. If they refuse then you need to decide between staying or seeking another practitioner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you consider yourself friends with this family then you should feel comfortable discussing your care with them, they might wonder about whether or not you accept their advice if you go behind their backs and ignore the advice you have been given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7238" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T16:24:48.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18056" CreationDate="2018-09-01T16:32:28.093" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The advise my father has given me about other people offering me advice repeatedly is to say and do the following...&#xA;&quot;Thank you for your advice. Let me write that down.&quot; &#xA;Afterwards all you need to say if it is repeated is that you reviewed their advice and have made your decision on how to deal with it.&#xA;Anything beyond that must be met with a firm &quot;I made my decision on the matter. Please respect my decision!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it turned out, I used that very good advice right back to my parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20442" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T16:32:28.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18135" CreationDate="2018-09-01T16:55:00.677" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I might suggest that the 'awkwardness' you feel in a relationship with other people is related to your feelings about the relationship itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a while a person might change his expectations about the nature of the relationship, perhaps expect more openness, discussions about personal topics that previously where avoided, more trust, more vulnerability, in other words more intimacy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When one of the partners has such an expectation while the other person does share such expectations, the expecting person might be disappointed, which in turn might lead to the tension and 'awkwardness' you describe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I invite you to observe whether your expectations of your relationships change over time, and also does your relationship partners change their expectations over time and perhaps bringing new expectations to an existing relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21423" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T16:55:00.677" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18012" CreationDate="2018-09-01T17:42:05.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Among other things, if you notice the conversation is headed in the direction where your father might challenge or try to put down your opinion, try to switch into grey rock mode, as said in the accepted answer at &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/15480/21422&quot;&gt;How can I handle my father challenging everything I say?&lt;/a&gt;. Effectively,it's a way of disengaging from a conversation, and prevents giving the person more things to latch on. So in your example, when he says&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;People like you from the metropolitan elite, disconnected from reality, can't understand this&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respond with dispassionate&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ah, OK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may not stop original statement, but prevent the situation from sliding into the direction where he can put you down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, suggestion I'd give is let him have his opinion, unless it's a matter of serious consequence (health, life/death situation, etc), where there's no room for opinions. So if he's arguing about political spectrum in your state, that's fine - let him have his view, regardless of whether it's fact or not; in this case, you're not required to prove it's false. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21422" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T17:42:05.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18145" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-01T19:00:06.497" Score="3" ViewCount="129" Body="&lt;h1&gt;The Story&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give a bit of background, me and my good friend of almost 7-8 years have been attending the same university. After our first year, both of us, along with two mutual acquaintances, chose to live together in apartment. We currently live in an off-campus, four person apartment in a semi-urban setting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, I am a very busy person. I take a large number of credits, I am pursuing a dual major, and I partake in extracurricular activities that take up a large portion of my time. On a regular weekday, I wake up around 4:30am, leave the house, and return sparingly until about 5:30-7:30pm, after which I spend an hour doing work, only to go to bed at 9:00pm. This was the case last year as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And lastly, my friend also &lt;em&gt;(I think)&lt;/em&gt; had 'high' expectations of the four of us living together. He would frequently tell me during the summer about many things they hoped we would do together, like cooking together, hanging out, and going on trips. I didn't want to shut down these expectations, but I made a concerted effort to remind them of how little time we will practically have (due to the large amount of schoolwork during the semester).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, when we arrived, we did hang out quite a bit, and cooked a bit, and did do some trips, as expected. However, as soon as my semester started heating up, I obviously spent less and less time at home, and told my friend and roommates accordingly, letting them know I couldn't hang out with them because I was busy due to X, Y, Z, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The Issue&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, after the first few weeks of settling in, the few times I am home and my friend is home, I get a 'cold shoulder' or avoided. I say hi, ask how are they doing, I ask them if they want to join me when I am playing video games when I am playing with other friends online, I get either no response, an indiscernible mumble, or ignored. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I am worried my friend is unhappy because their expectation of me as a roommate was not met, especially by me spending very little time in the apartment as well as not joining him for some of the activities he likes to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To make matters worse, I suspect he does not like me using some of the little time I &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; have to do stuff with people other than him, such as playing my favorite video game &lt;em&gt;(I do not ask him to join because he does not like the game)&lt;/em&gt; with other online friends of mine. The only guess I have is that he is taking me not hanging out with him as me not liking him anymore, not enjoying his company, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I confront my roommate, explain the situation, and ensure our relationship is not seriously harmed?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21233" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T19:00:06.497" Title="How to ask my roommate/good friend if they are unhappy because I did not meet their expectation of me (as a roommate)?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-02T22:50:59.117" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-09-01T19:15:56.823" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Find legal means to enforce the use of the allotted parking spot.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possible avenues are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if there is a contract clearly requiring the neighbor to use the allotted parking spot, the signatory(/-ies) can enforce* this &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;the owner(s) of the street and / or the area in front of the door may enforce* a no parking rule &#xA;(who exactly established that it is not allowed to park in front of the building?)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem of course is if you're not one of the parties above, it would cost them money and they may not want to escalate the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In that case you can only hope to find enough evidence that their behavior is a health and safety issue and may (or did) result in serious hazard to health or property damage (demonstrated by former incidents or official survey) or breaches any laws.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Teaming up with other neighbors who share your frustration would lessen the financial burden and the wrath of the neighbor for dragging him to court with this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously any legal dispute will severely harm the relationship with the misbehaving neighbor, but ultimately it doesn't seem to be all roses anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*options to enforce should ideally include fines and / or towing threatened in the court order&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;(in light of the critique in the comment by baldPrussian)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My solution is in fact a very civilized interpersonal conflict resolution widely accepted in our society.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It requires quite a few social behaviors and skills, showing &lt;strong&gt;restraint&lt;/strong&gt; from resorting to &lt;strong&gt;violence&lt;/strong&gt; (our most &lt;strong&gt;instinctive&lt;/strong&gt; conflict resolution approach), &lt;strong&gt;objective analysis&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;discussion&lt;/strong&gt;, finding &lt;strong&gt;implications&lt;/strong&gt; and potential &lt;strong&gt;resolutions&lt;/strong&gt; regarding the conflict while appointing a &lt;strong&gt;third party&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;neutral facilitator&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;There may be a point in conflict situations, where one must recognize (another skill btw.) that ones own interpersonal skills are insufficient or not applicable to resolve the conflict as wished.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OP already exhausted in my opinion many (more amicable) personal interaction possibilities in resolving the conflict with a resolution she desires as expressed in the question and I wanted to present an alternative approach to other answers that were already given.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So among other resolutions that I also could think of (&lt;strong&gt;OP offering payment or other incentives&lt;/strong&gt; to the neighbor to park as wished, use &lt;strong&gt;coercion&lt;/strong&gt; or &lt;strong&gt;blackmail&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;begging submissively&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;imploring reason and compassion&lt;/strong&gt; for the sake of the &lt;strong&gt;safety of children&lt;/strong&gt; etc., all requiring certain skills) I presented a choice that I think is the most desirable to end the conflict.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;(As a Prussian you would appreciate the order it represents, I wager, baldPrussian)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It requires employing reason and emotional detachment among others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is such a good solution that all countries on this planet and the societies living within their borders use it as their &lt;strong&gt;basis&lt;/strong&gt; for the &lt;strong&gt;rule of law&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously there is a factor of power (exerted by society, represented by the judicial and executive branches of government) with the ability to enforcement within this framework, actually allowing for a &lt;strong&gt;finite&lt;/strong&gt; resolution of ultimately any conflict. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything outside this framework is raw violence and anarchy, which in and of itself is also social interaction and requires many skills in navigating through life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, violence could be &lt;strong&gt;another possibility&lt;/strong&gt; to &lt;strong&gt;resolve this conflict&lt;/strong&gt;, however it will have repercussions for anyone living in a society governed by the rule of law and negates the adherence to social behavior as agreed upon by current society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately the rule of law is often diminished or dismantled in countries that suffer from rampant corruption or are in a state of war either within or with other countries as a direct reaction to conflict or violence on a larger scope than this case.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;OP is not living in such a country however.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21425" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T04:35:55.143" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T04:35:55.143" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18147" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18149" CreationDate="2018-09-01T19:32:11.173" Score="9" ViewCount="2060" Body="&lt;p&gt;I started a new programming job recently and just wrapped up my first task. As part of it, I had to change a critical line in a file from &lt;code&gt;ABC&lt;/code&gt; to &lt;code&gt;XYZ&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my second task, a coworker mentioned that it might be helpful to look at some code my teammate Sam recently worked on. He's been on the project for several years and sits in the same office as me. While searching for it, I noticed Sam had also recently edited that critical file from my first project. Out of curiosity, I looked closer... and found that the edit set that line &lt;em&gt;back&lt;/em&gt; to &lt;code&gt;ABC&lt;/code&gt; to resolve a minor display issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &lt;code&gt;ABC&lt;/code&gt; line will cause the entire application to crash in certain scenarios, which is why I was tasked to make that change in the first place. Obviously, this needs to be fixed!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to talk to Sam about this, because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't know the best way to fix it such that both our problems are solved, and he would probably have some ideas since he's more experienced&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'd feel very awkward and rude &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; saying anything and surprising Sam in next week's meeting when I mention &quot;I've been working on [same bug he just 'fixed']&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to explain why I did that, so he won't inadvertently introduce more bugs in the future. (Sam knows I had been working on this, so I'm not sure why I wasn't looped in on this in the first place, but that's beside the point now..)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure how to approach Sam, though. Normally I would start a conversation like this by suggesting a fix I could do, but since I'm new to this project I don't have one. I don't want to sound accusatory or possessive over my code. Sam seems like a reasonable person, but given how busy he is, would likely be annoyed if he thought I was trying to dump this problem on him (&quot;Hey your code is wrong, you need to redo it&quot;). I'm also just worried about putting my foot in my mouth (has happened a few times lately, unfortunately) and giving a bad impression to my new coworkers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;More details&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our company has source control, bug tracking, and code reviews for every commit. Our commits are both already in the &quot;alpha&quot; code base (visible to developers and testers, but not released to the public), and linked to the respective bugs that they fix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His commit message was like: &quot;Bug: History doesn't show ABC. Fix: Line wasn't ABC, changed line.&quot; A comment at the top of &lt;code&gt;XYZ&lt;/code&gt; file explains that it runs either &lt;code&gt;ABC&lt;/code&gt; or &lt;code&gt;DEF&lt;/code&gt;, because &lt;code&gt;ABC&lt;/code&gt; doesn't always work. (The real names of the classes are more like &quot;Thing&quot; vs. &quot;Thing Selector&quot; if that helps explain it.) So this is why I suspect he (and the coworker who reviewed his change) didn't actually look into &lt;code&gt;XYZ&lt;/code&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately I only had tests to ensure &lt;code&gt;XYZ&lt;/code&gt; functioned appropriately and not that this file was actually running &lt;code&gt;XYZ&lt;/code&gt; (lesson learned there!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach Sam to let him know his &quot;fix&quot; breaks my code, and get his help on actually fixing it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-02T18:07:54.317" LastActivityDate="2018-09-02T18:07:54.317" Title="How to tell someone they broke my code and ask them to (help) fix it?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18148" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18147" CreationDate="2018-09-01T19:52:40.197" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would email Sam with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Sam, I saw some changes you made recently in this commit (link the commit here if you can). I’m still trying to familiarize myself with our codebase and I was wondering if I could meet with you to discuss some questions I have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’m free (list 2-3 times you’re free. If you can, look at his calendar and match times when he’s free).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You’re right to fear ending up with your foot in your mouth—that’s definitely something that’s happened to me at new jobs more than I’d like to admit. I’ve found that an easy way to avoid it is to ask for an explanation of what’s happening instead of throwing accusations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Sam explains his change the same way you did, then this email gives you an excuse to follow up with “won’t this break in edge cases I, J and K?” on the pretense of learning more about the system. And whether you’re right or wrong, watching him think it through in real time and give you an answer probably will help you learn! Not to mention you can use this chance to ask him how he’d like you to handle any inconsistencies you find in his commits in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T19:52:40.197" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18147" CreationDate="2018-09-01T23:03:53.617" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are overthinking this a bit.  It happens that software developers make mistakes.  We all do.  The best approach isn't to think of it as &quot;this is &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; mistake&quot; or &quot;why did you mess up &lt;strong&gt;my&lt;/strong&gt; code&quot;.  I try (emphasis on try) to follow the approach called &lt;a href=&quot;https://blog.codinghorror.com/the-ten-commandments-of-egoless-programming/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;egoless programming&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the best approach is the straightforward approach.  Send Sam an email of the form &quot;I noticed a problem in X code. I think it's going to crash under these circumstances.  I'm not sure what the fix is.  I'd like to go over it with you when you have some time so we can figure it out, or see if I'm wrong&quot;.  Assuming Sam is a professional and not hyper-defensive, he'll be fine with this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless the bug is critical or too hard to explain in email I tend to work this way so people can deal with the issue on their time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about whose fault it is.  You both work for the same company.  Bugs affect both of you.  The customer isn't going to care who was responsible for the bug when the product crashes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time something like this happens, I try to figure how how it happened, and how to prevent it from happening again.  Did the comment entered on the commit make it clear what was being fixed?  If the fix isn't obvious, should there be a comment in the code explaining what's going on?  How about a unit test?  Is this &quot;the tip of the iceberg&quot; and there are related bugs? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-09-02T15:19:50.217" LastActivityDate="2018-09-02T15:19:50.217" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18150" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-09-01T23:04:28.157" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You answered your own question when you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;h3&gt;I really love my current workplace and have no desire to go back.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sun rises. The sun sets. Seasons change. Jobs come and jobs go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Thanks, but while I enjoyed working with you at that time in my career, I really love my current workplace and have no desire to go back to XYZ company.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that this will work because being direct and honest in professional—and even casual—situations like this is the best tactic. Additionally, if you like your current job and do not want to go back to your old job, that is simply the answer: You like your current job and do not want to go back to your old job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if somehow your old company doesn’t want to take “No…” for an answer, you really need to double down and state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“I’m sorry, please do not take this personally but I have moved on and cannot see myself going back for any reason.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, you can only do so much to make someone else—or some other company—feel happy. And in my opinion, being honest, clear and succinct is the way to end up in the best position for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-09-02T23:57:49.247" LastActivityDate="2018-09-02T23:57:49.247" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18151" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18147" CreationDate="2018-09-01T23:18:25.273" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In a reasonable environment, everyone's changes go through code review. If I changed your change back to the original, then code review is the right time to notify me. That's the time where you point out why your change was needed (which I might not have appreciated). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is the issue that your change fixed a bug but caused a display problem that wasn't there before your fix. That should have been found when &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; code was reviewed but unfortunately wasn't. When you fix a problem, you shouldn't cause other problems. So I would reopen your bug, adding a comment that your solution fixed the big problem, but introduced a small one, and you should modify your solution to fix the big problem &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; causing a smaller one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-09-01T23:18:25.273" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-09-02T00:01:05.530" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before you answer their question, you need to understand it. As you suspect, it’s not a simple inquiry as to what it would take to get you to return, it is in fact an &lt;strong&gt;attempt&lt;/strong&gt; to get you to return.  It is the first step in a process that is intended to end with you working for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a *Churchill quote site:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Churchill&lt;/strong&gt;: &amp;quot;Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Socialite&lt;/strong&gt;: &amp;quot;My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... &amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Churchill&lt;/strong&gt;: &amp;quot;Would you sleep with me for five pounds?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Socialite&lt;/strong&gt;: &amp;quot;Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Churchill&lt;/strong&gt;: &amp;quot;Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are trying to get you to agree in principle so they can then haggle over the price.  Unless you want to haggle over the price, don’t go there.  Use a simple “thanks for the interest, but I am not interested”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While it may be true that you have your price, unless you think they can and will meet it, there’s no reason to mention it.  If they reiterate that they want to know what your price is, stick to your answer “I’m not interested in changing positions right now”. Doing so isn’t going to upset them or burn any bridges because their actual question is: will you name a price that would make you want to return to work for us.  And you are responding with a polite no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are actually interested in getting you at any price they can afford, they will stop trying to get you on the cheap, and start making offers until you accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above is from an IPS perspective, from a workplace perspective, asking you to name a price is tactic used to pay the lowest price. IMO if they really wanted you and weren’t concerned about cost, they would simply make an offer and if that didn’t work, increase it. Payroll is typically important in total, not individually. They could probably offer 2 or 3 times your current/former salary if they thought it was important enough. Or since it is a startup, equity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*That the quote is actually from Churchill is disputed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="470" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T11:14:27.693" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18154" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18147" CreationDate="2018-09-02T00:32:51.153" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you are overthinking this. Simply tell Sam exactly what you have found&#xA;by writing an email &lt;strong&gt;only to Sam(!)&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;Hello Sam,&#xA;&#xA;I saw that you changed the line XYZ back to ABC. The problem is that this line is likely responsible for a far nastier bug which I found and can cause a crash under certain circumstances (Insert details here). So we need something to fix the display issue and this bug. Could we talk about this?&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find Scohe001's reaction not sufficient because it does not mention the &lt;em&gt;actual&lt;/em&gt; problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The normal reaction is that you both look at this and find a solution for both problems. It is important that you first mail Sam alone so you can both sort this out under you two, but that you have evidence in the rare case Sam tries to ignore/sabotage you. If you see that the line will cause unanticipated trouble (yeah, that happens often :/) it is likely that you both must escalate the situation to the lead developer (We have a little problem here...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you sure that Sam overwrote the line? Normally you have a Version Control System (VCS) which informs each person about changes in the codebase and the first thing I do when I see changes is that I look up the reason in the commit message and if not sufficent ask the colleague what he did. The thing is if you do not update your current state repeatedly it is easy to assume that changes are (not) there when in fact they are (not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8702" LastActivityDate="2018-09-02T00:32:51.153" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18155" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-02T02:46:59.747" Score="10" ViewCount="2591" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend from college who I think may have mild autism. He is extremely intelligent knowing all manner of world affairs, trivia, etc. and generally witty and fun to be around. However, he says things that are wildly inappropriate at times that are often denigrating to me and really upsetting. For example, sometimes he might make a joke about the holocaust that is incredibly rude in polite society but is hilarious in context. When he takes it too far however it is enraging. He can say things like &quot;Oh [me] said it was OK later if we take [my girlfriend, not present] out back and roll train (gangbang) her.&quot; He does not seem to say this about other people and genuinely believes he does nothing wrong when saying them. When confronted about his actions he says things like &quot;I didn't say that!&quot; or &quot;What did I do?&quot; Or things of that nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The line between appropriate and inappropriate behavior is hard to draw sometimes because of the sense of humor that our group of friends has but clearly there are circumstances that are upsetting to me and I've made it clear about it before. We're both men in our late 20's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I confront my friend about his inappropriate jokes without being immidiately dismissed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21431" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T06:06:54.433" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T16:23:56.597" Title="Friend constantly saying inappropriate things" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18163" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-02T17:53:09.960" Score="16" ViewCount="2059" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was queuing at a café when two older men cut the queue ahead of me. I believe it was a genuine mistake - the room was cramped with people, and a space appeared when a woman missed that the queue was moving ahead (she was reading a menu), where they jumped in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me and some other queuers noticed this - we went ahead and tapped their shoulders and told them they had to move back. They did not like this - they refused to believe the queue had extended that far, and accused &lt;em&gt;us&lt;/em&gt; of trying to cut. They even implied that I had threatened violence (No one had done anything of the sort - I was slightly frightened by this). Eventually, we were six people asking them to move but they flat out refused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I specifically brought up how the gap appeared and that the queue hadn't ended where they entered, but they insisted that we were in the wrong - they claimed the woman had been reading the menu without standing in line (as if it's impossible to do both).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end I went ahead and tried to get a member of staff to join us in sorting out the situation - but they were overworked summer workers who didn't know/care enough to handle the situation. I slinked back to my position in the queue, where the discussion had died down and the cutters were still ahead, eventually getting served before us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;: How could I/we have handled the situation differently, to get the cutters to move back in the queue?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could've dropped the whole thing, not joining the confronters, but that wasn't likely to reach the results I wanted. I hear &quot;it's not your job to enforce the rules&quot; as a possible rebuttal to my question, but none of us enforced anything - if we had physically removed them from the queue, or refused to serve them until they took their correct position (which we obviously couldn't), that would've been enforcing. Right now, we just informed them, and then the staff (who could've enforced the rules), of their behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their justification for refusing (we were six strangers who had, on the spot, conspired to jump ahead two queue positions) was so bizarre that I feel there must've been a way around their absurd levels of denial. Of course, I might be wrong in the assumption that it was a genuine mistake - then their counter-accusations take a very different meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the record, this situation occurred in Sweden, which has a queuing culture similar to the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21444" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T08:58:51.640" LastActivityDate="2020-05-08T21:39:00.880" Title="Accidental queue jumpers refuse to believe their mistake" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;sweden&gt;&lt;queueing&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18164" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18155" CreationDate="2018-09-02T19:09:48.187" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your details it seems like the confrontation isn't right after the offense was made, which complicates things. In this case, with an extremely inappropriate joke, do not hesitate to reply instantly that this is off limits (family, girlfriend,...). It might make things awkward for half an hour and you might even get temporarily treated as a killjoy, but he has to know that this isn't ok. If you're with friends, they might even join you a bit like &quot;yeah, not cool man&quot; or even by not saying anything, as silence is a form of approval in this case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've encountered friends like this who go too far or put you down to make themselves look better. You'll be better off handling this situation right on the moment and establishing boundaries, even if you have to sacrifice the fun for an hour or so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18251" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-02T20:30:56.883" LastActivityDate="2018-09-02T20:30:56.883" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18166" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-09-02T20:26:56.587" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... but I'm kinda annoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I met someone at my local gym. We started to talk from time to time&#xA;  and one thing leading to another we made out (not sexually) and are a&#xA;  couple as of today. We try to go slowly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of answers here but one thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is what jumps out at me from the part of your question I'm quoting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to call this person your 'date', if that's alright - it seems to fit. My first assumption is from your American English phrase &quot;we made out (not sexually)&quot; - being British I'm guessing that means you kissed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK so that's the background to my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main issue I picked up on is your annoyance. Is it with your date for not revealing their gender? Or is it with yourself for not handling the not-knowing patiently? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your annoyance is with your date, is it because you believe that there's some deliberate concealment going on?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If so and your date is concealing it deliberately out of shyness, you'll need to suppress that annoyance, or it could make an awkward situation turn really disagreeable when you decide you can't bear the suspense any longer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume you're quite sensitive and don't want to look like a bull in a china shop in your attempts to solve this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact to avoid such a situation you might want to back off from a relationship a bit and treat them more as a friend than a date for a period - that would give you more time to work out whether you can get into a relationship with this person without forcing a &quot;gender revelation&quot; discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's obviously very difficult to dial back your feelings for someone especially if you're not the patient type, but if you can, it would be a good approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, your date could be concealing their gender because they enjoy creating the suspense. Did you detect anything that supports that view? If that's the case then there is much less chance of hurting anyone's feelings and you could try any of the suggestions given in other answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13313" LastActivityDate="2018-09-02T20:26:56.587" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-09-03T01:08:38.787" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As per PO's additional information, they asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What would it take for you to move?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the perfect opportunity to reply with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nothing, I am not interested in changing jobs, thanks again for your interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you already answered it you can backpedal:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry for the miscommunication/misunderstanding, but there is nothing that will make me change my current job, I appreciate the offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it brief so it doesn't invite responses. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you get a response, respond late (few days later, even 1 week is fine) and just reply &quot;Sorry again but I'm not interested,&quot; and maybe: &quot;let's keep in touch.&quot; etc&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20908" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T01:17:09.367" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T01:17:09.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-09-03T04:39:16.643" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This question is quite similar to not remembering a persons name after interacting with them for too long to still be asking for their name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you have three more honest options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask outright about their biological sex (!) &lt;br&gt;&lt;em&gt;(preferably within a conversation easing into the topic)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I would do this&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, but in your case I recommend the second option, &lt;em&gt;unless you really, really need to know, in which case it seems that it does matter to you after all&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt; (this one might be awkward and / or surprise / offend your partner)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;my recommendation:&lt;/strong&gt; wait until a makeout session leads to more intimacy to find out &lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;(since you're apparently comfortable making out with the person and seem a bit shy to approach the topic, why not simply wait)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;wait until the person reveals their sex on their own accord - basically a variation of my recommendation (whichever comes first will reveal the sex)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything else seems sneaky and dishonest (you may try some of the suggestions here nonetheless if you like).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In conclusion of your statement that the result doesn't matter, you must be bisexual yourself and have no &quot;unpleasant revelation&quot; to expect, so to speak, as a hetero- or homosexual person may have when &quot;confronted&quot; with a gender they're not attracted to.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Hermaphrodites (intersex nowadays) can be a mixture of both sexes, so a bisexual person shouldn't really have issues with that either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Which means, no matter what their sex turns out to be, you're free to concentrate on their personality and how you two fit together as individuals.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a European I'm in agreement btw. with ApertureSecurity about the different approach and self evident understanding in comparison to American society.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Non binary gender identity indeed has nowhere near the same importance here.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt; So asking about especially their &lt;strong&gt;pronouns&lt;/strong&gt; or gender identification may result in bewilderment or awkward embarrassment on the side of the party being asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note, transgender pronouns are still binary (he/she) and used here according to the sex the transgender person transitioned to or is in the process of transitioning to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Non binary pronouns (them, they, ze etc.) for example are not even a noteworthy topic (and are quite a bit more problematic to implement) especially in non English speaking countries here, since many languages have male and female ingrained into them in prefixes or suffixes for example in addition to the pronouns to address the person.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Some transgender people chose the gender neutral pronoun &quot;it&quot; surprisingly, despite being a bit strange to refer to a person as &quot;it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To summarize my reasons for my recommendation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking flat out about gender identity/pronoun as was suggested is not as common in Europe as the USA.&lt;br&gt;This is also why I said I'd ask for their biological sex, since OP asked to know about man vs. woman. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The person is not an outspoken LGBT activist, so they might not even consider there to be ambiguity regarding their sex, causing surprise/embarrassment. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;OP seems a bit shy in approaching the topic.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;OP is comfortable to make out with the partner without knowing their sex/gender identity.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;OP stated,the result wouldn't really matter either way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;OP seems to be bisexual, ergo either sex would be fine.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So despite OP having asked the question I think it might be better to just wait instead of it becoming awkward.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21425" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T00:52:38.007" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T00:52:38.007" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18163" CreationDate="2018-09-03T08:36:49.240" Score="19" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we went ahead and tapped their shoulders and told them they had to&#xA;  move back. They did not like this&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not surprised. Physical contact and an accusation? I wouldn't like it either and would be tempted not to move, even if I knew I was wrong.  When you draw their attention to the fact they pushed in, it needs to be as blameless as possible and offer them a way out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, I can see that you didn't realise it, but we have been&#xA;  waiting in the queue here. It was an easy mistake, but would you mind&#xA;  terribly moving to the back? Thank you so much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No physical contact, make your tone friendly and make it clear that it was obviously not intentional on their part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people will back off at this point. However, some people are jerks and won't acquiesce, no matter how politely you phrase it.  You have only two options then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Escalate. Insist that they move. When they don't, get other customers/staff involved.  Demand management involvement if things don't go your way. This has a good chance of getting you all kicked out, regardless of right or wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let it go. Lose your place in the queue. Wait a couple minutes more, while feeling slightly annoyed and mildly smug that you are a better person. Then immediately forget all about it once you are served. This is the British way. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3815" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T09:44:12.417" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T09:44:12.417" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18163" CreationDate="2018-09-03T09:15:32.597" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure how socially acceptable this is in Sweden, but in other countries, sometime early in the confrontation someone would have been likely to pull out their phone to video the entire thing.  This often (but not always) changes how far outside the norm people are willing to act when they know that their behavior might go viral.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is what I recommend the next time this happens.  Take out your phone and tell them you are recording the conversation.  Be excruciatingly polite at all times:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really sorry, but there is a queue here and we've all been waiting for X minutes for a table.  It's incredibly unfair for you to rudely jump ahead of all of use who have been waiting patiently.  You are, of course, welcome to wait at the back like everyone else here has done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, if they make accusations that you threatened violence, repeat that all of this has been recorded, which will show that you did no such thing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the most part, you can ignore anything they say in their own defense.  Just keep repeating variations on, &quot;We've been waiting for a while, and you're being rude,&quot; until they either move to the back of the queue, or you reach the front where you can simply insist (on video) that the person after them in line should be next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may or may not work.  The men might not care that they're being recorded.  Or they might get upset and try to physically stop you from recording -- which, technically, may be criminal assault, but that doesn't really help you once you're in a physical altercation that you have to explain to police. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, as I said, you might find that the threat of you posting their rude behavior to a public forum might stop them from pushing the issue as far as they did.  True, the vast majority of these things get ignored, but (especially if either of them is any kind of public figure) you never really know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To the question of whether this is legal:  In countries with strong &quot;free-speech / free-press&quot; laws it is &lt;em&gt;generally&lt;/em&gt; legal to photograph and video people in public spaces, as long as it is not for commercial use.  Restaurants and similar establishments may have a policy against it (good luck enforcing this -- how many times have you seen people take photos and video of their party and/or food while eating) but all they can do is get you kicked out, not sue you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't dig deep enough to find the relevant law (it's probably in Swedish anyway) but &lt;a href=&quot;https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Commons:Country_specific_consent_requirements#Sweden&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here is the Wikipedia article&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T15:52:42.693" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T15:52:42.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-09-03T10:25:58.143" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This frequently happens to me and usually I answer something of the sort of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for thinking of me, but I am happy in my current workplace and am not considering changing my job in the foreseeable future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this answer is in no way offensive and will definitely leave the opportunity to reconsider in future. At the same time it is firm enough so that they don't bother you for a while (in my experience about 6 months to 1 year).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21451" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T10:38:39.813" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T10:38:39.813" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18174" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-09-03T10:51:54.380" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Involving the police or other authorities is overkill and will make the relationship between neighbours a bad one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The basic reason these people park where they do is convenience.  It is less effort for them to park close to the door and they clearly don't care about other people's problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The nice way to solve this is to make sure that they feel your problems themselves.  Make it inconvenient for them.  So I suggest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you find your car parked in, call them and ask them to move their car temporarily so you can get out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stay calm, be polite, but &lt;strong&gt;do not accept NO as an answer.&lt;/strong&gt;  If they hang up, walk to their door and continue the conversation.  You have to be insistent enough that they will find moving their car is a smaller effort than listening to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say thank you when they have moved their car. Be polite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you come home and your slot is blocked, do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Optional step) Once you have established a routine that they have to move their car on demand, leave very early some mornings and come back very late some nights. I mark this step as optional as it goes against &quot;being polite&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Staying calm and being polite is important.  Shouting matches doesn't solve problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It looked like there were two other slots blocked by this car.  Get those people to do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you will find that soon they will be tired of this and just place their car where it should be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I stress being polite here.  I think that is important both to make them cooperate, but also to preserve a good relationship with them for later.   These people are used to being shouted at and it doesn't bother them anymore. Getting a polite and reasonable request is more likely to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4713" LastEditorUserId="4713" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T07:21:41.907" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T07:21:41.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18163" CreationDate="2018-09-03T12:10:32.317" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Once you had informed them of the issue, gotten help from the staff, and still didn't get the desired result, I don't think there's anything else you could do.  Filming it would only show a confrontation between two groups, with no indication of who was right or wrong.  It's not something you want to get the police involved with.  At that point I think all you can do is decide that it's just not that big a deal: some people were jerks and you had to wait another five minutes for your sandwich.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the future, It's better to speak to line jumpers immediately.  When I've seen line jumpers, having someone behind them say loudly &lt;strong&gt;as they cut in&lt;/strong&gt;, &quot;excuse me, the line starts back here&quot; works.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best example of this I have ever seen was in the Caracas airport.  The concourse was an enormous open space that had 3 or 4 long lines laid out in such a way that they were crossing, and you had to stand in one line, get thru that, then get to the next line, etc.  One guy tried to cut into the front of one of the lines.  The woman behind him reamed him out in a stream of Spanish.  I have no clue what she was saying but he slunk away and I'm pretty sure people behind were applauding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2020-05-08T21:39:00.880" LastActivityDate="2020-05-08T21:39:00.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18115" CreationDate="2018-09-03T13:08:43.237" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Before answering the question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you can't help someone who doesn't want it. If he's always rejected your suggestions, doesn't elaborate on what he's looking for or how you can help him, or has never shown being grateful for your help, this might mean he's not interested in your help. If he didn't ask for it in the first place, that's also a good clue. Reflect on those things (or ask him) before putting more effort in his job hunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Than there's the fact that he might have unrealistic expectations, or is lazy, about his job hunt. First, he says he doesn't fit all job requirements when he rejects the postings you found, then later tells you he just didn't like the jobs themselves. Someone who lies about why they don't pursue a job, then tell you the reason is because they're picky, is not someone who seems very serious or invested in his quest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Answering your question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's say he wants your help and you still want to give it to him. Maybe it's hard for him to think of specifics, so I'd ask about job posting he has been interested in and wanted to pursue. Maybe also look over a couple of job posting you thought would be great for him, and ask what particularly he didn't like. I'd go back to him and say something like : &quot;I want to help you in your job search, but up until now you've rejected many job openings I forwarded to you. If you'd like me to still help you, I'll need to know more about what you're looking for. Could we maybe look over some job postings you've liked ? I'd like to know more about what kind of jobs and what aspects of a job you're interested in.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't seem interested and continues to give you vague responses, I would stop helping him, at least for a while. You can ask questions and offer your help, but in the end it's his job search and up to him to accept your help or not, you can't force him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21195" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T13:08:43.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-09-03T13:34:30.730" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Assuming you're not in a hurry and you don't want to make it obvious where you're heading to, one option is to ask for few lessons of Chinese.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the language is even more tricky in terms of gender than English, at some (early) point you get to words like &quot;boy / girl&quot; which will likely lead to &quot;I am a boy/man&quot; or &quot;I am a girl/woman&quot;. It's natural to state your actual gender (however this will be the perceived one rather than biological).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if it does not automatically reveal the sex of your partner it may help building a situation where you can either ask plainly or ask your best guess and when corrected just blame your novice at the language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The benefit of this approach is that it will show your additional interest in sharing something extra and putting some effort into your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may also look for example at &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.u.arizona.edu/~kepeng/EastAsianCulture/Readings/R23.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this paper about gender in Chinese&lt;/a&gt;. If you get to examples you should be able to immediately able to recognize the pattern. There is an obvious character signifying the female gender. I don't know though if it is used in any documents and it will require you to check some documents which can lead to an awkward situation (as mentioned in other answers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that knowing the name won't help much. As you can see for example on this &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.behindthename.com/names/usage/chinese&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;page with Chinese names&lt;/a&gt;, there are many names used for both genders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21060" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T13:34:30.730" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-09-03T13:54:11.920" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I thought of putting a note on their windscreen to tell them they block the way but I found it rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet this is what you should do next, &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; you get fire marshals and owners' assembly involved. Right now, all you did was &lt;em&gt;asking&lt;/em&gt; your neighbour why they parked in front of your spot, and they gave you an explanation which basically dismissed you. You need to be more assertive and &lt;em&gt;tell&lt;/em&gt; them not to park there. If telling someone their car is blocking your way is too difficult, a written note is indeed a good solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a more assertive conversation/note has no effect, I would proceed with your landlord, owners meeting (via your landlord) and finally, the authorities. Getting other parties involved before you actually complain to your neighbour about their parking habits could be seen as overreaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T13:54:11.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18180" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-03T14:28:42.060" Score="8" ViewCount="1062" Body="&lt;p&gt;I frequently find myself writing emails or technical documents that include a lot of technical information.  However, even when written to &quot;technical people&quot; about technical things, it seems that the length of the email is too long and therefore it goes unread, ignored, skimmed, etc. and I've become known as a long-winded person.  I'm starting to get flak for that, and I'd like to understand why or what I can do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How long is too long?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that the length of &quot;too long&quot; is absurdly short; longer than a couple paragraphs is considered too long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What are the details?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the reason for the long-windedness is an effort to be thorough, reduce known/possible miscommunications (some of which are highlighted below), and deal with the fact that the &quot;technical&quot; people aren't very technical, nor competent.  Sometimes the lack of competency is known (I'm instructing someone for the first time in something they've never done), and sometimes it's because they are deficient in prerequisite topics (common in my industry; explained below).  Often, I include screenshots with notations, and I leave them large to be easier to read.  That increases a page count quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feedback I get (from bosses and coworkers) is that such lengthy emails/documents are unwelcome and unwarranted, with an emphasis on time spent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Possible solution: Executive Summaries&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've started to include an executive summary at the front, but I think I've passed the point of no return, and the email gets ignored or stays unread.  Part of that is because most people in the industry are overworked, part of that is email culture is to ignore things, and part of that is any reputation I have for being long winded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boiling down something to an executive summary may still be too complicated (another problem I deal with), or they feel like I'm being overly vague, arrogant, or condescending.  I haven't gotten much feedback about this in written form, but when I do that face-to-face, it's obvious they think I'm being overly vague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Possible solution: 6th grade reading level&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was once told to keep emails and docs at a 6th grade reading level.  Attempting to do this was met with some success, until things became complicated enough that I had to start expanding them.  It's not easy to break things down into less complicated chunks, and often that means they wind up being bigger chunks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Some examples:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Table of Contents&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was handed a project to start working on, and as I went through the existing documentation, I wrote down questions and commentary ahead of a planned meeting to go over these sorts of things.  It was ~8 pages, so I used the auto-format capabilities of MS Word to generate a Table of Contents (ToC).  This takes all of a minute or two and makes it easier for the reader.  However, my boss, who was CC'd when I sent the document, clearly didn't like the ToC and was stuck on that, bringing it up anecdotally in a different meeting with no relation to this project.  I think it was because he didn't know how easy it was to make, nor how to use it.  I think ToCs are incredibly useful since they are CTRL+clickable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Clarity vs brevity&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tend to remove pronouns and references in my written works because I find most people can't find the thing I was referring to, and stick on the wrong one.  For example, above, I changed &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think they are incredibly useful since they are CTRL+clickable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;to &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think ToCs are incredibly useful since they are CTRL+clickable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;so that it was unambiguous that I was referring to ToCs.  This may come across as off-putting, but I'm not sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lack of &quot;basic&quot; skills&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While my industry works with technology, the people in it are usually not very tech savvy.  For example, only very few of them (~1/10) know about keyboard shortcuts like CTRL+C, CTRL+V, or that most programs have a search function built into them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Poor reading/writing skills lead to brain overheating&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also find that people don't know how to use certain punctuation marks and therefore use them wrongly.  I've discovered that people use quotes (&quot;&quot;) to emphasize something, instead of to satirize it (like I did above for &quot;technical people&quot;).  The former should be bolded, while the latter is often referred to as &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Air_quotes&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;air quotes&lt;/a&gt;&quot;.  I've also seen people confuses slashes with commas:  this is the same/similar, yet people would write a list of items as a/b/c/d, when it should be written as &quot;a, b, c, d.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that when presented with technical data in a technical format, or just unfamiliar formatting, the reaction is a brain overload, or anger and resentment that they are unfamiliar with something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Region&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in the US, and all of these problems come from people who were born and raised in the US, almost exclusively within the same geographic region.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I more effectively communicate in emails to my coworkers?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8724" LastEditorUserId="8724" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T01:23:43.183" LastActivityDate="2019-05-01T16:33:58.457" Title="How to effectively communicate technical data/instructions without writing &quot;too long&quot; emails?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-09-03T19:40:45.777" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18180" CreationDate="2018-09-03T14:43:31.003" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;A short email is harder to write than a long one. People are telling you to take the time and put in the effort to write a short one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's say you're writing an email about how to boil an egg. In some sort of self-defense to ward off problems that have happened before you include sections on how to choose the right pot, a detailed discussion of the various sources of water for filling the pot, and a section for both gas and electric stoves, as well as how to tell which kind you have. 7 pages in, you mention to put the egg in the water, and three pages after that you say to start the timer -- perhaps when the egg is put in, perhaps when the water comes back to the boil. You include several videos to be clear about whether water is boiling or not, because these people aren't technical and you can't be too careful. After the videos, pages away from saying to start the timer, you indicate how long to boil the egg for, and then there are several more pages of vital details about egg-cups, spoons, knives etc and an appendix on running hardboiled eggs under the cold tap and what causes that green ring. Nobody can find the &quot;ten minutes&quot; in all that. They are frustrated by the huge long irrelevant thing you wrote.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What they want from you is to mention the water, the pot and stove, when to put the egg in, when to time from, and how long to cook it. That's easy to know about egg-boiling. It's hard to know about your subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An email is not a course. It's not a manual. It won't defend you from trouble. It is &lt;strong&gt;hard work&lt;/strong&gt; to extract the absolutely vital pieces of information from the trove you know, and share &lt;strong&gt;just those&lt;/strong&gt; with the people who need them. You are being told you should do that work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your emails, tell people the things that they need to know and would not think to ask if you didn't tell them. Include links to more detailed background they might need, or include documents as attachments and explain the circumstances under which the attachments will be needed. If something is tricky or depends highly on something else, it's ok to say &quot;we may need to de-frabulate the syscomator at this point, but if so I will notice and let everyone know,&quot; or &quot;at this point it's important to do nothing for 24 hours so we can tell whether or not I need to de-frabulate the syscomator&quot; without including a simple ten page summary of that process. They don't need to know those details. They do need to know about the letting it sit. You need to put in the work to establish what they need to know in this email, which is less than everything they need to know ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T14:43:31.003" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18180" CreationDate="2018-09-03T15:44:44.620" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your personality leads you to always write a certain style of email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your style is aimed at communicating detailed and unambiguous information which covers all reasonable eventualities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You get flak for these answers, they go unread, get skimmed and ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The emails get skimmed and ignored because, despite your laudable aims, your communication style is not appropriate to the recipients. It may be the information you believe they need, but it isn't the information they want, presented in a format accessible to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't so much leading horses to water and trying to make them drink as carting several gallons of water to horses that had merely expressed a desire for a couple of sips.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People may be frustrated and annoyed for several reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;they are not easily finding the information they wanted from your answer&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;they may resent you apparently having the time to compose multi-page&#xA;emails which they see as being bulked out with irrelevant information&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They may feel you are grandstanding or showing-off, perhaps even trying to belittle them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your aim of trying to communicate effectively has led you into trying to communicate &lt;em&gt;exhaustively&lt;/em&gt;. Not everyone has the same capacity to digest large blocks of information and assimilate them as you may have. You are estranging people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that you take your approach back to first principles and look at what constitutes &lt;strong&gt;effective&lt;/strong&gt; communication. You may think that highly technical documents &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be appropriate for your audience, but the evidence that it isn't &lt;em&gt;is the response you are getting&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Effective communication in this context probably means cutting out all the things that are fascinating, provide background, correct people for using punctuation that you think wrong... all the things that a tutors of my partner in his university days called:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;True but trivial&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of the emails you are laboriously constructing, all of these things are obstructions to effective communication, they mess up the noise to signal ratio.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use your detail and fact focused nature to &lt;strong&gt;write yourself a solution&lt;/strong&gt; to writing overlong emails. Analyse the problem, identify the pitfalls, punctuate it correctly, add a ToC. Sigh sadly and shake your head at the limitations of your colleagues and go forth and communicate with them in their own language!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2019-05-01T16:33:58.457" LastActivityDate="2019-05-01T16:33:58.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18180" CreationDate="2018-09-03T15:56:37.097" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Information is valuable, and I can certainly understand the desire to give the people you correspond with, all the important details you think they need.  But let me ask, How many times in your emails have gone over the steps for X,  and the steps for Y.  Sure, one needs to do both X and Y to accomplish Z.. but if your email is particularly about Z, mentioning X and Y may be helpful, or it may, as you have found, be harmful, depending on the recipients level of knowledge/need/interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your technology job was anything like mine, I would suggest you simply create a set of Standard-operating-documents, and store them someplace where the people that you email, can look at them.  Google's DRIVE, for example, would probably work well for this.  In there, thoroughly document X and Y, and label the file names clearly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in your email about Z, rather than a table of contents, you can just include a list of relevant links to the appropriate X and Y documents, at the bottom of your email, in a section called &quot;related information&quot; or something similar.  You can even reference these docs from within the email text, if necessary, to describe how they relate to Z.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, a simple link can either be clicked-on or NOT by the recipient.  The main difference here, is that it is &lt;strong&gt;their&lt;/strong&gt; choice whether or not to look at (or even just &quot;see&quot;) the additional info.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can follow the same linking-to-other-docs procedure when creating the standard-docs themselves.  It will prove more flexible to have lots of short docs, with many &quot;related&quot; links, than just a few long ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another advantage of this method is that is reduces your total workload-  you only need to explain the details of X once, ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17674" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T15:56:37.097" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18184" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18204" CreationDate="2018-09-03T16:25:59.387" Score="29" ViewCount="4593" Body="&lt;p&gt;I started dating this girl just over a year ago. We first met 7 years ago at college; we were only acquaintances back then. Fast forward a few years, we recognized each other at a work party and discovered we both work for the same bank.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We hit it off right away, and she had no problem expressing she was interested in me. I found her fascinating too. She's clever and witty, makes me laugh, and she showers me with a ton of affection, constantly. When she asked me out, I took a while to respond because I had to be sure. After my first (and only, at that point) relationship, I was single for 4 years, and I was very happy by myself and a relationship wasn't something I was looking for, as I was focusing at getting to a better place professionally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I couldn't ignore her, however, and decided to give the whole dating thing a try. Just before our first date, she told me she was a high functioning autistic, she has aspergers, and has trouble dealing with social situations. Furthermore, because of her very violent and abusive ex (from whom she had to get police protection and relocation), she suffers from anxiety attacks, depression, and PTSD. Poor thing has scars all over. Still, I was determined to give it a go and knew it was going to be hard work, but I thought I could be a good support for her help her heal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost immediately, I noticed that I would have no space for myself. She moved in, 2 months later, with me, without asking me; one day she came, and never left. Slowly all her stuff were moved and when I tried to talk to her, she would get hurt and assume I wasn't serious. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the year, I've begun to see the &quot;real her&quot;, and the &quot;real her&quot; is a very sweet girl who doesn't want to hurt anyone and just wants to make some friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to her Aspergers, or anxiety, or past (or all of them), she can't seem to make any friends at all. I am quite a social introvert myself - I have plenty of hobbies and plenty of groups of friends due to those hobbies, and I spend time with the groups, in my own terms. I definitely hang out once a week at the least, plus most weekends. Obviously, I took my girlfriend to each of the groups, and initially she seems ok, but she has this strange thing of deciding that she doesn't like someone. Once she does that, she does everything to avoid that person. I have tried talking to her about it, and she just says they remind her of her abusive ex and withdraws into herself, and says she doesn't want to talk about it. Any further attempts seems to send her down the depression spiral so I let it go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I surf a lot. One of my surf buddies is a girl around my age. She's not single, but she's in a long distance relationship. I have 7-8 people I can call friends that I regularly surf with. This girl and I are very close friends, we've known each other for 4+ years, we get along well, we went Pokemon hunting when GO was a thing, and we went to watch animated movies when there was one. All of that was with the group. We never did anything together alone. When I introduced my girlfriend to the surfing group, she said she wasn't comfortable with how close my female friend was with me. No amount of trying to explain that there is absolutely no romantic interest between us seemed to satisfy my girlfriend. When I would try to arrange dinners with the rest of the friends, without the female friend, my girlfriend would say she is not comfortable with it, and the rest of them would know the girl is missing and not hang out. I now barely surf, because, even though my girlfriend says I can go surf, she becomes miserable when I go and sulks about it a lot. I'd rather not go surf knowing I am hurting my gf and I can't seem to enjoy the activity anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat that for most of the other groups of friends. One of them had a very small wedding and didn't invite my girlfriend (the wedding was planned before we started dating). Now my girlfriend doesn't want to hang out with them, because she has been excluded and bullied all her life and this friend brings forth those memories. Another group of friends I play Xbox games with, asked her a lot of questions and she doesn't like him. So now I don't invite them over to my place to play games. Yet another group of friends I rollerblade with came across as very aggressive, so now she doesn't want to hang out with them. You get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can see why she can't make friends, and she relates one event to another and ends up stressing and having anxiety attacks about events that occured several years ago. You know how we heal from something bad over time? She doesn't seem to heal at all. Any time any of the topic of my friends comes up, she starts crying all over again as though it only just happened. When I ask her to let go, she says, &quot;what does that mean? I don't know what letting go means and I don't know how to do that, I wish I could make friends and I wish I didn't stress, but I can't help it&quot;. So I don't know how much of this is PTSD and how much is her Aspergers. Or both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, this relationship is costing me a lot of friends and I'm having to wear a lot of hats for her. She has no friends, so I have to be there constantly for her as a friend. She has no parents and I have to mentor her, she has no hold on facial expression and social situations so I have to constantly answer her about people's intentions and why something should be done a certain way, and why she doesn't deserve the pain. Among all this, the real, witty, charming girlfriend comes out very very rarely and I am finding it hard to maintain romantic interest in her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, I am heartbroken for her and every time I imagine myself in her shoes, I am terrified. I can't imagine having no one to talk to, no one to ask how I am, not knowing people's intentions (She says that a person smiling and person being angry appear the same to her and she can't tell the difference), and I feel terrible and selfish when I think I should end the relationship so I can heal. She honestly believes (thanks to her ex) that she is worthless and has some serious lack of self confidence. Any time I give her a compliment, she questions and doubts and asks for explanation. she constantly asks if I love her, and if I am going to leave her. She says she can't tell if I love her, even though I take care of her and care for her and show her, both by words and actions, that I love her. It makes me sad that she can't tell I love her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, I'm having trouble deciding whether or not I should stick with her because I like her and try to work towards healing her, or if I should end it here and hope she can recover by herself. I have no doubt she loves me, and I've always heard about how difficult it is to find someone who truly loves you so letting this go seems, at times, foolish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I talk to her about how she should forgive people, starting from herself, and that it's okay to give people second chances and to hang out with others in a group if she doesn't like one?&lt;/strong&gt; I get no chance to talk about all this because she withdraws into herself every time I attempt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4721" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-09-03T19:53:54.863" LastActivityDate="2020-08-27T11:41:12.187" Title="I am very close to breaking up with my girlfriend for selfish reasons; how do I talk to her about our relationship?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;anxiety&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18186" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18180" CreationDate="2018-09-03T16:42:51.767" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I deal with this on a daily basis, because I am someone who loves to write 10 paragraph essays and post them on Facebook or send them as email.  I am aware that my approach is not effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention one thing which resonated with me: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Most of the reason for the long-windedness is an effort to be thorough, reduce known/possible miscommunications&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to technical content, I find there are two paths.  One is the giant wall of text that we both love (which nobody ever reads).  The other is to insert yourself, saying something like &quot;if you have any questions, do not hesitate to email me about them.&quot;  Communications is not fire-and-forget.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The mistake both of us make is the belief that the sending of the content is the important part of the communication.  As long as the information was written out in text, we consider the job completed properly.  However, in reality, it's the receiving of the content that matters, not the sending.  That involves &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; mind, not just yours.  &lt;strong&gt;The important part of this is that no email will ever fully transmit the knowledge in your mind, no matter how trivial it may seem.&lt;/strong&gt;  Take advantage of that.  Leverage it.  Give yourself some breathing room to focus on what different kinds of people want to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Focus on one viewpoint which you believe should matter to them, and talk to it.&lt;/strong&gt;  Don't try to give all the viewpoints and get rid of all of the ambiguity.  Ambiguity is fine.  Give them one tiny viewport into the world you think matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quite often technical content in our minds looks like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/9L5yKm.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/9L5yKm.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Watch&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you feel your blood pressure rising, with a need to describe &lt;em&gt;every&lt;/em&gt; little detail because the watch just doesn't work without them?  Imagine having to read a description of this watch when you really didn't want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you wanted was this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/o1qrx.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/o1qrx.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Drop of water on grass&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the comments section is always open if you have any questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T16:42:51.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18187" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-09-03T17:12:51.643" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had something similar happen to me, and one major element for me -- which might also be appropriate for you -- was that I didn't want to rule out &lt;em&gt;ever&lt;/em&gt; working with them again, but it sounds like the time is not right for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you might consider answering along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you, I very much enjoyed working with you and would love to work with you again.  But I don't think the time is right for me to change jobs right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the advantage that you're making it clear that you don't want to burn any bridges.  If they try to push for reasons why you don't want to move right now -- which would be fairly rude -- then you're perfectly at liberty to say that you've got personal reasons, and you're not going to expand on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5895" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T17:12:51.643" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18103" CreationDate="2018-09-03T17:40:33.427" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been thinking about this one for a while, and I think you actually have at least two questions in your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When I'm talking about my new partner to others, what pronouns do I use? Do I have a new girlfriend or a new boyfriend? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When my partner and I go from &quot;making out&quot; to something more, well, naked, what am I going to find in my partner's underwear?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first question can, in theory, be answered by techniques such as noticing what bathroom your partner uses. But as you've seen, that's not always simple. And if your partner is nonbinary, it's unlikely these observation techniques will work, since they will be forced to choose male or female when neither really applies to them. &lt;strong&gt;The only thing that will work is asking.&lt;/strong&gt; The downside to asking is that if your partner is binary and cis, there's a chance they will be offended that you have to ask. I think that's a small chance, and best overcome by &quot;giving before you take&quot;, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know we've just started being a couple, and it's exciting. Are you telling people I'm your girlfriend, or using a title like that for me? [Or: I would like to be known as your girlfriend.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;[Use the word that applies to you and you would like to be known as.]&lt;/em&gt; Pause a little. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And you? When I tell people about you, I should say you're my ...?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then kind of trail off and see if your partner makes a suggestion, though of course they may suggest &quot;partner&quot; or &quot;lover&quot; or something else gender neutral. If they do, you could be so bold as to say &quot;and your pronouns are?&quot; though it's possible that they won't even understand the question and be angry that you asked. In that case you could try saying that you ask everyone even big bearded lumberjacks who are standing naked in front of you. (If that's true or close to true.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think any amount of asking is going to prepare you for the underwear situation. If the person is in transition, then they may have genitals that don't match their presenting gender (or the legal gender on their id.) If they are intersex they may have both. If they are nonbinary or androgynous then once the clothes are off everything may be quite clear, but don't assume that's what is going to happen. It is likely that if they are trans or intersex that they will tell you before you have sex, so the less they say leading up to that moment the more likely they are confident that their physical gender matches their presenting gender and you know what it is. If you got a gendered reply to your request for a romantic title, and no clarifications or &quot;wait, there's something I need to tell you&quot; as the making out intensifies, expect that sex when you get to the naked part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T17:40:33.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-09-03T19:18:11.423" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some great answers here and I cannot add to them in terms of your immediate question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I think you've hit upon a bigger life issue when you said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm a person who really dislikes conflict, so when people try to&#xA;  pressure me, I tend to give in just to keep the peace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people mistake &quot;giving in to keep the peace&quot; with &quot;defusing conflict.&quot; In fact, you're not defusing the conflict - you're &lt;strong&gt;perpetuating&lt;/strong&gt; it. Conflicts arise, in many cases, because two parties haven't agreed upon an acceptable way forward. They are &lt;em&gt;in conflict&lt;/em&gt;. Conflict doesn't have to be violent or angry - it can be congenial and polite. All negotiations are, at their heart, conflict resolutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Key to all of this is&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They, on the other hand, have no issues with pressuring people, . . .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You appear to equate &quot;polite&quot; with &quot;respecting another's boundaries and backing off.&quot; (A very European attitude!) Your former employers probably don't. (How American of them!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, you need to consider yourself. The only person you will live with for your entire life is yourself. If you do not provide the minimum necessary for yourself, you will be unhappy. Consider how you will feel if you &quot;give in&quot; and return to your former employer. Will you have protected yourself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21464" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T19:18:11.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18180" CreationDate="2018-09-03T19:21:51.147" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read through your question, and said to myself: I have no clue what problem he describes, but this is surely a wall of text ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that this question is representative of your usual communication style, what is good and bad about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main problem is one of focus. I mean, in inquiring about your communication style, you thought it necessary to include&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that most people in your audience are not very &quot;technical&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that most people in your audience don't know keyboard shortcuts,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that word can auto-generate a table of contents, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that you have seen people use slashes and commas incorrectly,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;that bold font should be used for emphasis rather than &quot;air quotes&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How is that relevant to the way you write your emails? Moreover, I can assure you that people either know these things, or don't care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to write better&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;focus on the matter at hand, don't allow your mind to start wandering (or edit out unrelated stuff before sending)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;only include stuff that is &lt;em&gt;known&lt;/em&gt; to be relevant. Things that &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be relevant belong in separate, clearly labeled sections / documents, so people can read them only when they need to&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;be clear in what you write, and use the language of your audience. If necessary, extend this language by introducing new terms with clear, unambiguous definitions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3747" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T19:21:51.147" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18180" CreationDate="2018-09-03T19:49:12.460" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You summarised your question excellently in the title, by the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can relate. Even here I've written paragraphs upon paragraphs before being able to distil it into the essential message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find out more, manage their expectations, don't over-commit, and avoid going on tangents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are examples of openers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I need more information to pin down the exact issue. What OS are you using? The steps required differ depending on that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What have you tried so far?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is rather complex. Are you sure you want to go down this route?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You will need to do [summary], then [summary]. I can explain more if needed. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You will need to do [summary], then [summary]. Be careful not to [summary] as that could wreck everything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you have a moment please call me and I'll walk you through it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Here's a couple of links to articles. Let me know if you need anything else.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm writing a how-to as a lot of people get caught up on this. Will update you when it's done.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a last resort:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When do you need this by? It's pretty involved and will require an in-depth response. Expect a long email.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20913" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T19:49:12.460" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18193" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18194" CreationDate="2018-09-03T21:35:52.303" Score="3" ViewCount="595" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live with 2 roommates and we are students. We are really good friends, we have each other's back but you know, there are going to be problems too. I study Computer science, the other roommates study Mechanical engineering and Physological counseling and guidance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are going to set up internet in our new apartment and we have a disagreement about that. My roommates do not care about the internet that much, they just surf on Instagram and Whatsapp. I, on the other hand, watch programming videos on YouTube all day, there are always software updates, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They think it is a waste of money to pay money for internet. That's why they want 30 GB limited internet, but I know it would last for maximum 1 week. It is like they stand against me together. What do I do? How do I explain my side to them? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21466" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T00:09:54.117" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T00:09:54.117" Title="How do I deal with my roommates wanting a lower tier of internet service?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-04T06:23:32.593" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18193" CreationDate="2018-09-03T21:47:10.120" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most things in life are a compromise. It sounds like your internet usage requirements are greater than theirs, so seen from their perspective it would be wasteful to pay for a higher capacity/speed service than they need, just to accommodate you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would suggest is, you find the difference in price between the service they would be happy with, and the one you want, and offer to pay the difference yourself. For example, if their service would cost $30 and yours $40, you split the $30 three ways ($10 each) and you pay the extra $10 for the better one. This would seem reasonable as you are the one who will benefit most from the extra service. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly they make also get to take advantage of the better service, but that is something you may have to accept as a consequence of you getting the outcome you want. Convincing them to pay equally for something they don't feel is a necessity seems a touch unreasonable in my view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-09-03T21:47:10.120" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18195" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18202" CreationDate="2018-09-03T21:50:42.827" Score="8" ViewCount="1481" Body="&lt;p&gt;My fiancée and I are getting married in fall next year. The location where we will marry has only two available dates and we have to pick one. One of the date is in mid-October where the weather is still not cold and the date numbers have a special meaning to my future wife and myself. The other date is much later in fall, when it's really cold and it's usually very likely that it will snow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We really want to marry on the first date to avoid the possibility of snowing, to please both our families about not marrying &quot;in winter&quot;, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that the date for the nice weather and special number pattern is also the exact day where my SO's best friend will be 30.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have spoken to my fiancée's best friend and we have told her that we have a choice and have asked if as of now she has anything already planned, if we could take the date. She's usually not the type of person to organize anything for her birthdays (she never did in the past). This being a sensitive subject, we carefully worded our question so that she doesn't understand it as a request for permission, but rather as an advice scanning. She acknowledged that it wasn't such a request for permission. As expected she said she had no plans and immediately asked her boyfriend who replied he has already something planned on that date for her. We usually are not of the judging type, but given the story of the couple, we have strong indication that the couple won't last until then. We might be wrong, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, pressed by the location owner, we have decided to take action and chose the date of my SO's best friend's 30th birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do we tell her (and her boyfriend) that we are going to marry that day without hurting her feelings, without angering her boyfriend and making it clear that they're welcome at our wedding? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Changing the wedding location is just not possible for various reasons (budget, advance payment already paid, size, proximity, type of location, we've been looking for one forever and finally settled on this one, etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21467" LastEditorUserId="20493" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T23:04:38.573" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T23:18:34.747" Title="How to tell my fiancée's best friend we will marry on her 30th birthday?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18196" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18197" CreationDate="2018-09-03T22:23:27.627" Score="12" ViewCount="2657" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a middle aged man living in western Europe. I have a crush on a female colleague who recently joined the company where I am working, but in a different department from me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today by random chance I saw some information suggesting that this woman might be gay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually I don't care if my colleagues are gay or not, but obviously given that I have a crush on this woman I do care. And though we work in an environment where being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, it still would feel inappropriate to me (and uncomfortable) to ask her about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a good way for me to handle this situation? Is there some way to phrase the question in a not too direct fashion so as not to stir up any trouble?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21468" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T02:57:18.927" LastActivityDate="2019-05-12T07:03:47.760" Title="Finding out if my crush is gay" Tags="&lt;romance&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18196" CreationDate="2018-09-03T22:54:03.550" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;For a moment, let’s set aside the matter of your crush’s sexuality and focus on the fact of her being your ‘crush’.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you plan on asking her out or telling her how you feel?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do either of those you will find out if she reciprocates your feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she &lt;em&gt;doesn’t&lt;/em&gt; reciprocate your feelings, then it makes no &lt;em&gt;practical&lt;/em&gt; difference to you if that is because she is attracted to women or to other men. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to return to your question, while there may be many ways to find out if she is attracted to women or not, in the end that is immaterial. Because what you want to know is whether she is attracted to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing gained by trying to find out if she likes you by a process of elimination or by category. She isn’t obligated to fancy anyone purely on the basis of them belonging to her preferred dating pool. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try getting to know her better as a person and a colleague and then ask her if she is interested in going on a date with you. If you happen to learn that that’s unlikely in the process of being normal and friendly, well... then you know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2019-05-01T16:28:44.557" LastActivityDate="2019-05-01T16:28:44.557" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18199" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18200" CreationDate="2018-09-04T00:10:55.497" Score="2" ViewCount="462" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a shared house and the landlord's dog barks frequently. This disturbs me day and night. I was very direct with the landlord and told them the barking is interfering with my ability to do work and I expect something to be done about it. The landlord was very direct with me and said they won't be doing anything about it. In my opinion the barking is excessive enough that it's illegal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to find out if the neighbors can hear the barking and if they are affected by it. I do not know the neighbors (I only said hi to them in passing a couple times). How can I go about this without coming across as I'm trying to cause trouble, and how can I get their honest opinion?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally it would help if they can submit complaints to the city too, or even testify regarding the noise. But if the dogs barking isn't loud enough to be heard out of the house I would like to know that too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a very difficult time with people who I disagree with on a fundamental level. I cannot understand how my landlord could think it's fair to not control her dog, and she is like this in other situations as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19971" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T18:49:43.643" Title="How to ask neighbors if they are bothered by someone's dog barking?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18200" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18199" CreationDate="2018-09-04T01:04:13.397" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;To approach your neighbors, I would wait until the next time you see them. I would ask them how they are, and if they have heard barking when they're home. Waiting until the next time  you see them instead of going to their door gives the impression that you are not actively seeking out what they think, you just happen to see them and come up with a conversation topic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey there neighbor! How you doing? (response from neighbor) (respond to neighbor) So, here's what I'm curious about, you know the landlord... Their dogs are awfully loud. I wonder what's going on in there, why they're barking so much. Does it bother you or not? I'm just curious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to be friendly while you communicate, and show friendly body language. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: There is not much in the question that tells me why you should be afraid to talk to the neighbors, I understand needing a bit of a confidence boost. A script such as this may help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="6371" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T06:55:55.457" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T06:55:55.457" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18196" CreationDate="2018-09-04T04:01:58.183" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question sounds like you saw her a couple of times but that's it. Shouldn't you get into better contact with this woman as a first step?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start a normal conversation with her. If the time has come you can ask her things like what she is doing after work or generally in her leisure time, what her hobbies are and the usual stuff. If she does by asking her whom she does that and so on. There is a good chance she mentions her relationship status. Then keep on asking, depending on what she said.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Don't make a question-and-answer game out of that, it should be a normal conversation without evidence about what you really want to achieve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another approach is to ask colleagues about her. (see Edit!) Again, wait for a suitable chance to ask if you don't want to reveal your plan to some colleague.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Question the things you saw (what are they?). Has anyone else seen that? What do they say about it, if so?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Does she have a common colleague that both of you talk to? Do you have common fields to work on? Find a &quot;network&quot; at your company to take advantage of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do be aware that even if she is single and not gay you still are not automatically her new partner ;-) Or you will find out she isn't your best match.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: Asking colleagues doesn't mean to ask &quot;hey is she gay or not&quot;. I meant to subtly find out if they know a little more about this person. This can be her task in the company, where she worked before, what region or city or part of a city she is from, how old she is... and so on. The normal chitchat that happens often without any harm. Perhaps there is somebody who knows about her and perhaps this can help to get a better picture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastEditorUserId="13264" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T04:07:50.237" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T04:07:50.237" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18195" CreationDate="2018-09-04T06:28:20.313" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's not really going to be possible to come out of this unscathed. You already asked, the boyfriend already said he has something planned. So now you've decided in full knowledge that your girlfriend's best friend likely won't be able to attend. This is virtually guaranteed to cause at least some ruffled feathers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd advise you to tell them as soon as possible, so they can make arrangements and/or figure out alternate plans for the day of. It still has the chance of being recieved very badly, but that chance only goes up the longer you wait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to start the conversation by explaining the difficulties that led you to choosing this date as you have here. Be as neutral as possible about this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Absolutely &lt;strong&gt;do not&lt;/strong&gt; bring up your hunch that their relationship won't last until then. That's going to come across as cruel at best and will not endear you to them in any way shape or form. Drop that line of thinking completly and focus on explaining to them why you had to choose that date and then live with their decision (which might be for her not to attend the wedding).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2347" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T06:28:20.313" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18203" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-04T07:48:09.333" Score="65" ViewCount="122424" Body="&lt;p&gt;When talking with people through instant messenger or texting, I find it rude when someone doesn't reply. The other day I had met up with someone I knew from school. He told me about a business idea he had, and expressed interest in working with me. The next day I messaged him about it and he ignored me (even though I got the read receipt). A day later I messaged &quot;aren't you going to reply?&quot; and he basically gave some short answer that I'm pretty sure was intended to be dismissive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I set boundaries to let people know I expect a reply, even if it's something like &quot;I don't feel like doing this anymore&quot;? Or is this just the reality when it comes to instant messaging etiquette? I know some individuals who do this more than others (i.e., it's a habit) and that is the focus of this question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree sometimes a day is not long enough, and that read receipts may not have had time to reply. However, the question I asked was very straightforward (what is the name of the website?) and this same individual has done things like this before. Perhaps a better example is my friend was going to an event that I was going to as well, and when I asked him what time he would be arriving, he ignored me. Even replying &quot;not sure&quot; I would find more polite. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20244" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-10T17:18:40.810" LastActivityDate="2019-12-10T09:52:26.137" Title="How to let people know I don't appreciate being ignored in instant messaging?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;texting&gt;&lt;chatting&gt;&lt;instant-messaging&gt;" AnswerCount="15" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18204" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18184" CreationDate="2018-09-04T08:00:52.033" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer: I don't have Asperger nor autism, but I do have emotional dependency, PTSD, anxiety attacks, social anxiety and depression.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may seem blunt, but &lt;strong&gt;you can't really help her&lt;/strong&gt;. Unfortunately, she is the only one that can help herself and no matter how much effort you put into it, it will probably not work if she is not willing to acknowledge the fact that she needs to work on some things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Staying in a relationship because the other person loves you, and it is difficult to find someone who truly does, is not really healthy for you nor for her on the long run. You might end up being more and more frustrated as the time goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is probably comfortable for your girlfriend to rely on you for her emotional stability. With you, she does not really need to make friends because she has you around. And you stay around more and more because you see your friends less. When she decides she does not like some of your friends, she then get you for herself only for some time. What this might do unconsciously for her, is comforting her brain that, if she distances you from your friends, she gets rewarded by more attention and more care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might all seem like not such a bad thing, but comforting her brain about something that is making her anxious is the best way to make sure she will get more and more anxious as time passes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also like to point out that there might be a red flag when she says she does not feel that you love her. It can be caused by depression, or by anxiety, but it can also be a way emotional dependency is expressed. And if you feel like her whole world revolved around you and only you, it probably is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise you to try and take time for yourself, with your friends or so. It does not have to be a lot at once, but little by little, do things for yourself. You can't be all in one and her stability should not rely only on you, because it is not healthy for her , but also not fair for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I talk to her about how she should forgive people, starting&#xA;  from herself, and that it's okay to give people second chances and to&#xA;  hang out with others in a group if she doesn't like one? I get no&#xA;  chance to talk about all this because she withdraws into herself every&#xA;  time I attempt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To reply to this question, I think maybe you should write her a letter. That way, she can read it whenever she feels strong enough, and/or read it in multiple parts to make it easier on her. I think you should be very clear yourself on what you want to achieve first. If your goal is to see your friends, write that. If you want her to give your friends another chance, write that. If you want her to believe you when you say that there is no romantic interest between your female friends and you, make it clear too. Maybe talking to your friends to avoid any burst of anger around her could also be useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like you want to help her further, you could offer to work with her on her anxiety. There are a few tools that are very effective, but require to be exposed to situations that scare her a little bit. It's one of the best way to get out of anxiety actually, but she must be willing to take the step. If she is, you could arrange social gatherings with your friends, first a small amount of them and for a short time, and then increase little by little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you should also make it clear that it is not because she does not like some of your friends that you will not see them anymore. You are allowed to see your friends by yourself as well and have activities that don't involve her. It is actually healthy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could also ask her if there is some activity she would like to do but does not for some reasons. And then offer to do them with her, because it might make her more comfortable to do it with someone she trusts around her. That could allow her to make some friends if she wants to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is not seing a therapist, maybe you could tell her that it seems very important for you that she does. She might not want to, because the status quo is comfortable, but a good therapist will help her work on dependency, anxiety and depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will most probably not like the change, but it is going to benefit her on the long run. Anxiety is a tricky thing and so is PTSD. But they can be fought step by step, as long as she is willing to try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communication is important and you might want to ask her to find a way to have those conversations, even if they hurt. Because if you want to have them and she does not, but it's her way every time, you might get frustrated and it might pile up with time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to be clear in your mind and make sure you emphasize the fact that it is extremely important for you and for your relationship that some things change. I wish my ex would have written me a letter before deciding he could not take it anymore and leave, so I could have made the changes before we reached that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck to you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14307" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T08:00:52.033" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-04T08:04:20.210" Score="162" Body="&lt;p&gt;No one likes to be ignored, but with digital media, that's unfortunately something you will have to get used to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People often read messages pretty quickly but do not always have the time to immediately respond. Especially in a case where a reply is not a quick answer or might need some more thought behind it, such as how it sounds from your example. This is similar to e-mails for instance, these are not mediums you should expect people to immediately respond on, even if they have read your message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, sending a reminder a day later definitely sounds appropriate. Your message sounds a bit direct and confrontational, so I would formulate it more along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you get my message?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's not much else you can do. Letting them know you expect a reply in advance does not really help your case either, they are already aware of this. You could try adding something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please get back to me whenever you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will let them know in a friendly way that you are waiting for a reply, but does still not guarantee anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want an answer, call them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19635" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T08:26:21.707" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T08:26:21.707" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-04T08:48:32.077" Score="97" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't expect people to answer you right away when you send them a written message. They might be busy, they might be too tired to answer, they might haven't taken any decision yet and so one. Unless you are sending a message to one of your employees during work hours, this person doesn't owe you their time. And responding to someone is something that takes time, no matter how small the message is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, asking for an answer after a reasonable time, does seem... reasonable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will advise against a question where you already know the answer (and the other person know you know), like: &quot;did you get my message&quot;. This might sound aggressive to the person you are talking to (it does to me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would suggest instead would be more like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you get some time to think about my message?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful to not use this if your previous message didn't need thinking. As OP pointed out, it will probably be seen as sarcastic. Instead, I suggest using that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you might be busy, but if you could just take some time to answer to my previous message, I would be grateful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you might be busy, but I'm still very interested in X, so if you could just take some time to answer to my previous message, I would be grateful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they answer by saying they are sorry, but they really don't have time right now, you can ask them when they think they would (and add something at the beginning of the message like, &quot;it's not to put pressure on you, but...&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all those cases, you show that you have respect for the other person's time, that you are considerate, and you know they might have more important things to do than respond to you. Since you are considerate, the other person will probably be more willing to respond to you (and respond in a favorable manner). I know that I will (and I sometimes take a really looooong time to answer).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit, additional backup&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am someone who often takes quite some time to respond to a message. Sometimes it's not an issue but sometimes it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other day, my aunt asked me to send her a list of the t-shirt and books I wanted for Christmas. I said &quot;ok&quot;, but then I didn't send her the list (I didn't think there was any hurry since Christmas was still in one month and a half).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a few days, she messaged me again, saying that she needed the information before the X of December because she will be really busy afterward and wouldn't have time to buy the gifts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I now had a deadline (and knew &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; it was so urgent for her to have the information), I was able to motivate myself and successfully send her the list the last day of the deadline. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the question is more a way to make conversation (for example with a friend) and you don't really need the answer, I suggest to just drop it. It is not very pleasant to be ignored by a friend, but it seems this friend doesn't have that much time for you. He/she may have some but obviously less than you, and so you will need someone else to spend time with when this friend isn't available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This being said, you can still try to &quot;revive the conversation&quot; (not sure that's English) with your friend. Wait a couple of days and, if you friend hasn't responded to you, just send him a &quot;random text&quot; like a smile, a &quot;Hey&quot; or a &quot;What's up?&quot;. With any luck, your friend will then have some time and respond to you. If not, you will just have to move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-12-10T09:52:26.137" LastActivityDate="2019-12-10T09:52:26.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18195" CreationDate="2018-09-04T09:13:52.613" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell them like you did here, minus your opinion about their relationship. It seems that even without this you would have made the same choice, so just don't think about that anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you asked about their plans first and still choose the day of her birthday, it will sting a bit more. Tell them that after careful consideration, the other date didn't work for reason XYZ and you booked the venue the day of her birthday. Tell them as soon as possible so that the boyfriend can change plans (if possible and if they want to, they might decide not to come to your wedding). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have power over their reaction or them being hurt, but you can convey to them that this wasn't an easy decision to make, you didn't make it lightly and you really hope to still see them at the wedding but understand if they choose not to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Small note : I hear you that it was hard to find a venue and once you did you only had two dates to choose from, but you still had a choice. You could have booked the other date, you could have postponed the wedding to next year... You made a choice, no one forced you. Don't tell them when you explain your decision that you &quot;had no choice&quot;, because you did. You prioritized your wedding over her birthday and the possibility that she won't be there if the boyfriend's plans can't be moved. It's not a bad choice, there's no right or wrong here. Your goal here shouldn't be to convince them you did nothing wrong and so they have no reason to be hurt or angry, but to warn them, be apologetic and acknowledge this is an inconvenience for them, and that you still would love having them at your wedding.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21195" LastEditorUserId="21195" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T09:20:16.667" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T09:20:16.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18091" CreationDate="2018-09-04T09:27:07.973" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think contacting the landlord over and over again, or other third parties sometimes can be exhausting and will lead to even worse relationships with those people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you to put the same step/slope at that place they are using for parking, if it's possible or maybe some other object like concrete blocks that can be removed after they stop doing this (if that will ever happen). I will say my suggestions is a first-thing-to-try measure, but I cannot say it will work for every country or situation. You will need to speak with other people who live in there, if they agree with this. Sometimes it is really hard to reason with low esteem people, and dealing with them is an almost no-win situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they still try to remove the blockade to keep parking there, then, I will personally find some other apartments for rent, rather than having my negative energy around every time I enter/leave the apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At any case, please let us know what happened, as I am very curious to hear also feedback from any action you take. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21336" LastEditorUserId="21336" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T09:37:49.137" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T09:37:49.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18209" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18184" CreationDate="2018-09-04T11:22:39.657" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am no psychologist nor a neuropsychologist myself, but I will share my thoughts from my past experience and learnings. I think you should hear some more ideas before you made decision to take any steps, decisions that may best fits into your environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every state of the mind is physical state combined with chemicals. You cannot change something so hard wired and boosted with hormones overnight, and I think you are also not expecting that as well. I would say that there are two choices you have, to try and change something at her, or to break up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was in a similar state-of-mind with my still ongoing relationship, where I was overreacting and kind of a forbidding any other male relation with my girlfriend. Not all of them of course, but those who I considered as threatening to my relationship or to try to abuse my girlfriend. I am very good at recognizing patterns and body language. You see, I am considering myself as a very reasonable and thoughtful person, but it took me a while first to notice the not desired state-of-mind that I have, and then to try to change it. My wake-up thing happen when I tried to realize what will happen if I lose her by any cause. There was not a single situation that I can easily survive that, and not because I really was so madly in love - but the fact that all of my daily routing was in schedule with single person. On the other hand, I also got the feeling that I am controlling in a way some other person's life. If I continued like that, I am pretty sure I wouldn't have still my relationship. And the change was also not overnight, but a process for which I was thinking on daily basis to change my emotions. Change in environment can also helps this process. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While my methods worked quite well for me, I think they don't apply in your case. She is still not aware of the current situation, and thus you have even harder problem. You can have a discussion with her to pinpoint some reaction that was not right. I will use some happy moment to address those bad-behaviours. For example when you go on a dinner and you express your feelings about how much you love her, and then you say that there is nothing for her to worry about especially not like &quot;that&quot; and &quot;that&quot; situations, and instead of enjoying the moment she get anxious. Our minds are very adaptable and if you keep repeating something over and over again, they will get used to it and that's how you build a habits. Only in those happy and feeling-safe moments you will start changing something at her deep down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also made some mistakes and I think before you become aware, you will make them again. You need to learn how to express things that you don't like (to happen), and make sure others are getting that. Moving in like that is totally not OK for a person who does have a control in their live and have career plans. You should have made some statements back in the second or the third day, but now it is too late. And I am telling you this not to get rid of her, but to think about your next action. She maybe is so pure and insecure, but you need to define red lines and keep to them. Her lines are not to let you go in any case, and she is keeping to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just keep in mind that before any action you take, there must be a good emotional coverage or otherwise things will start breaking apart. That's why you address something bad in a good moment (Sine wave) so things are normal. It is also called a sandwich techique - first you say something good, then something bad then again something good. Always serve it like that or otherwise she will feel threatened in her deep primitive part of the brain will be activated. The way that someone will star listening to you what you are saying and taking that information as really important is when they feel very safe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could be a long process and you might ask yourself if you are ready to do such a thing. I can only assure you that if you manage to change someone's life to be a better (not even with you around), is the most amazing feeling. I am trying to push my girlfriend now to do things that she was not feeling ok in the past, mostly because of me. And even those small steps makes me feel very happy and accomplished. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Final note: Any relationship should be based on pushing yourself and your partner to become better on any field - if you want to have lifelong one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I forgot to mention that his ex-boyfriend abuse was also her fault because she allowed that and lacking a self control in her life. You should talk this with her, and as soon she realize this, you will start to feel the change. Why? Because if you are aware that it's your fault for others to abuse you and make you feels bad, you are not looking for a problem at others, and thus, you start thinking that not everyone is the same and will do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21336" LastEditorUserId="21336" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T13:01:09.727" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T13:01:09.727" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18210" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-04T11:37:04.853" Score="57" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just because it is called &quot;instant message&quot; doesn't mean you get an instant reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are countless reasons why someone may not respond to a message. They might be driving, at work/school, or maybe - crazy thought - they might be someone who doesn't check their phone every 5 seconds. Even if you have some kind of indicator that they have &lt;em&gt;read&lt;/em&gt; the message, like the green ticks on WhatsApp, this doesn't meant they are in a position to reply. Instant messages are marked as read when chat windows are left open on a computer, or if they are read and dismissed from a lock screen notification... you really have to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even if they &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; read a message doesn't mean they are in a position to respond right that second.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was an &quot;early adopter&quot; of the internet and I can tell you that when people sent the first emails, they didn't expect an instant reply. It was a replacement for traditional mail, and the only thing we expected to cut out was the delivery time. You only got your email when you turned on your PC. Reading and responding to mail used to take time, and it still should really, if we want the responses to be well-thought out and have any degree of quality. But 25 years on and we expect instant email responses too, because emails go to people's smartphones, and &lt;em&gt;everybody&lt;/em&gt; has a smartphone, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you called somebody and they didn't answer, you wouldn't always assume they were ignoring you - they might be busy, not have their phone, or it might be on silent etc etc. We should think the same with a text message or instant message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give someone a reasonable time to respond. Sure, after days of no response you might want to &quot;chase it up&quot; if it is urgent, but there are nice ways to do that. You could simply ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, did you get my previous message?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or why not go old-school and &lt;em&gt;call&lt;/em&gt; them? I don't blame you for feeling frustrated at non-responders. If I'm honest I feel the same way if and when it happens to me. But it is much about your personality as theirs. &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; feel that you require a fast response, but that doesn't take into consideration what others think is acceptable. Calling a person may be better because right from the start you know if they are free to talk, or not. And if they are, you get a response straight away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem with your direct question of &lt;em&gt;how to let people know I don't appreciate being ignored&lt;/em&gt; is that it comes over a little passive-aggressive. You assume they are &lt;em&gt;ignoring&lt;/em&gt; you, but neglecting to reply to a message is not the same as ignoring the sender.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were to say from the outset something to the effect of &lt;em&gt;here's my question, I expect a reply&lt;/em&gt;, most people would think you were being aggressive, arrogant, and demanding. Similarly if you chased up a message with something like &quot;&lt;em&gt;I expect a reply&lt;/em&gt;&quot; this would be rude by most people's standards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a &lt;em&gt;given&lt;/em&gt; that by asking a question you expect a reply, so there is no need to say it. A gentle reminder like I suggested above will bring your question back to their attention. If they are a decent person they will give you an answer, when convenient. Admittedly, some people &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; rude and deliberately ignore messages. You will figure out which they are if you allow a reasonable time for a response. But if you push for an answer aggressively you may lose a decent friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="217" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T13:22:55.107" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T13:22:55.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18095" CreationDate="2018-09-04T13:17:22.783" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Been there before. Almost like I wrote the question but I was on a phone when I was asked that, so I had to respond immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said that &quot;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;currently I put myself through lot to learn the process and the domain that it would be bad for me if I quit, and letting down others who count on me&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one wants this. You can also offer your help after working hours to his project because you believe what is he doing and enjoy working with him (if you don't want to leave him feels bed). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still insist - he is a bad for you and you should not care about the burned bridge. Why? Telling him this would put him in a state where he will force you to do something you believe is wrong for his own personal needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No lies. No direct approach. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21336" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T13:17:22.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18213" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18184" CreationDate="2018-09-04T13:22:37.910" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everything I will say may sound rude, but it's how I see things from outside. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a relationship there are 2 people involved. You can't stay together just because she loves you. &#xA;The question is quite simple: do you love her? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you feel guilty leaving her because she needs you? I know that it may sound selfish, but do you think you can be her psychologist forever? Imagine in a couple of years time when you will end up with no friends (it's already happening) and a completely frustrating relationship. In my opinion she should immediately start showing some willing to fix things up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not clear to me if she already sees a therapist, but she should start doing it. &lt;strong&gt;There is no other way out&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it looks like it's difficult to talk with her about these issues, write her a long letter where you write everything. If the letter is not enough, just give her an ultimatum. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that after these steps you will have done everything you could to save the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10527" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T13:22:37.910" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-04T15:31:58.667" Score="30" Body="&lt;p&gt;You give them a call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Email, IM, text messages are asynchronous media. You can't expect people to drop what they are doing to answer you. Read / Received receipts mean the message was delivered and (possibly) displayed on some screen. It does not mean it was looked at, read, or understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does this mean for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth accounting for some delay in your communications. Other people have their own schedules and what every email, text and IM is at heart, is a request to wedge some of the sender's time into the recipients' schedule. You're not in control of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, on the other hand, you have a deadline, you can include that in your email (&lt;em&gt;it would be great if you could respond by X because of $reason&lt;/em&gt;), where &lt;em&gt;$reason&lt;/em&gt; is something likely to be interpreted as &lt;strong&gt;reasonable&lt;/strong&gt; by the other party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="277" LastEditorUserId="277" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T15:37:30.873" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T15:37:30.873" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-04T15:56:34.523" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I set boundaries to let people know I expect a reply, even if it's like &quot;I don't feel like doing this anymore&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boundaries are supposed to protect what is precious to you. You first need to determine what that is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the precious thing is your &lt;em&gt;time&lt;/em&gt;, for example, you can say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The offer is good until tomorrow. After that, the deal’s off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then if they respond the day after, they run up against your boundary when you tell them you’ve withdrawn the offer. The next time you make an offer, they’ll know that you’re serious about the deadlines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can adapt this to protect your dignity etc. Be aware, however, that boundaries aren’t meant to be coercive tools - they aren’t there to make others behave the way you want. If they don’t reply, they just run up against your boundary, but setting a boundary can’t ‘make’ them reply. (You might be overstepping &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; boundary if you try to force them to reply.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastEditorUserId="10573" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T17:13:26.497" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T17:13:26.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18218" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-09-04T16:14:59.207" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, next time someone takes seating not assigned to them, how can I handle the situation in a way that won't make the other person feel a need to be nasty and ruin our cheerfulness, while at the same time prevent possible children of being embarassed by their parent's behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By allowing the person to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Face_(sociological_concept)&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;save face&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your reaction gave the mother two options: (1) Accept the public scolding by a younger person and go back to her assigned seat or (2) hope that you are bluffing and stay. Apparently, she thought that choosing option 1 would make her look weak in the eyes of her daughter, so she chose option 2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution is to give her an option that is consistent with her &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-image&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;self-image&lt;/a&gt;, for example, by &lt;strong&gt;pretending&lt;/strong&gt; that she is doing you a favor:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, they are not taken, but we booked our seats this way on purpose, so maybe no one would be in front of us. Would you mind taking the other seats over there? &lt;em&gt;[Pointing to other &quot;free upgrade&quot; seats which are not in your way.]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is: &lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; know that she isn't really doing you a favor, your parents know it, the girl knows it, and she (probably) knows it as well. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that she can &lt;em&gt;present herself&lt;/em&gt; as someone who not only (a) got a free upgrade but also (b) was kind to you by moving a little bit to the side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5596" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T16:14:59.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17856" CreationDate="2018-09-04T16:44:19.003" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer the question in the title: you mind your own business.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer the question in the post: you can’t.  When you are nasty to others, they tend to want to be nasty back, and unless you take joy in their misery, everyone ends up having a miserable time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if I had been the people in front of you, and understood the entire situation I would have worked extra to ruin your day! Why?  Because you were basically doing the same thing as they were. You were using the seats in front of you without paying for them.  You were using them to get a better view. A view you did not pay for and were not entitled to.  And then when someone came along and foiled your nefarious plan, you had the gall to call in the attendants to have them hauled away!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To compare the two — Goal: better seats (upgrade) without paying for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Expenses: you (first class), them (second class)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Premeditated: you (yes), them (possible but not probable)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inconsiderate of others: you (yes), them (not until after you brought the attendant)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Successful: you (yes), them (no).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You planned more and spent more and were successful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having read your story, I feel sorry for the people trying to sit there, and hope they had a better day afterwards. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Addition because of comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider a similar scenario: two people are on a plane trip, and purchase two tickets, and pick an aisle seat and a window seat, with a seat in between. The plane is not fully booked and the middle seat is indeed empty. Then someone sits down in the middle seat.  They no longer have as much elbow room, and explain that their plan to game the seating system for extra elbow room is being ruined and the person needs to depart immediately so they can resume their enjoyment of successful gaming of the system. And then are shocked and upset that the person doesn’t depart immediately and the person expresses their unhappiness when the flight attendant is summoned to eject the person ruining their plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The OP purchased seating intending on taking advantage of the timing to get use out of not only the seats he paid for, but seats he didn’t. He is not honestly upset that someone is gaining an unpaid for advantage, he is upset that HIS unpaid for advantage was taken away and wants it returned.  And he wants it returned in such away as not to ruin his mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the OP wanted those seats to be empty he had every opportunity to ensure that they were by simply purchasing the seats and then not sitting in them. He didn’t want to PAY for the seats to be empty, but feels entitled to be upset that someone else who didn’t pay for them is benefiting from him NOT paying for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="470" LastEditorUserId="470" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T04:08:44.113" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T04:08:44.113" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="13071" CreationDate="2018-09-04T18:25:54.763" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're facing these kinds of conversations on social media, a great resource is &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.facebook.com/whitenonsenseroundup/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;White Nonsense Roundup&lt;/a&gt;. They're a volunteer organization that believes people of color have enough on their plates and shouldn't have to explain racism to white people, so they &quot;round up their own&quot; to educate about race issues. You can tag them in a post and a volunteer will take over for you in explaining the issue at hand. I've tagged them a couple times and they've been great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the conversations are in person, you can just tell them you don't want to talk about it and change the conversation. If they persist, remind them that &lt;strong&gt;just because you're a person of color, it doesn't mean you're an expert on the issue or want to engage in these conversations&lt;/strong&gt;.  Remind them that they're perfectly capable of doing their own research and that there are a plethora of resources on the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T18:25:54.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18222" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18454" CreationDate="2018-09-04T19:08:48.563" Score="9" ViewCount="1329" Body="&lt;p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently suffered a bit of a fallout in a teaching group I'm frequently a participant in. This was because I kept making brutally honest criticisms about their style of teaching (e.g. &quot;your teaching style needs a lot of work because [x]&quot;), which others didn't really like me doing, and those other people got fed up with those actions and got mad at me. But the thing is, they seemed absolutely fine with my doing said action earlier on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the people in the group are much older than me and have more years of teaching experience, but don't really mesh with the culture of the students (which is part of the feedback I try to give them). (In fact, it's worth mentioning that I was offered a summer job &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; of my young age and my knowledge of the students' own culture.) They generally don't let me know about how they feel about my feedback until it gets on their nerves, which can happen many variable times later. This seems to happen with a majority of the group, but the feedback is mostly individual, unique per group member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a mildly autistic person, I have difficulty picking up nonverbal cues, and I need others to let me know when I make some social mistake, or how they feel about a certain social action I take. A lot of the time, others don't tell me what I did wrong, holding it off in the name of &quot;politeness&quot;, and only when they're finally fed up with it do they break down on me. I usually do ask them why they felt that way, and they don't tell me. (I'd like to know so that I can improve my feedback.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I initially attempted to prevent this situation by telling the other participants that I'm mildly autistic and I'd prefer it if others would tell me if they wanted my criticism to be phrased in a different way. This didn't work, however, and the majority of the group's participants still continued to show such &quot;polite&quot; (but unhelpful) behavior toward me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to increase the chances that others would tell me immediately when I make such mistakes, rather than not tell me or delay telling me in the name of &quot;politeness&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11936" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T17:09:03.350" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T17:11:59.323" Title="How do I ask others to more quickly let me know about social mistakes I make?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-04T19:56:28.480" Score="47" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Ignoring IM's is part of proper use, start doing it, too.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;View ignoring of instant messages (IM's) positively. Some more determined people are ignoring IM's intentionally as part of their personal boundaries to keep their focus, productivity or peace. They are determined to ignore personal instant messages in work to prevent distraction. They are determined to ignore work-related messages outside work to give themselves proper rest. They ignore messages during evening workouts or personal time to fully take their time which is important for them. Maybe you can find yourself in some of those settings, too. IM's, similar to incoming calls, are intruders, bringing you something often quite unrelated into your current context. You need to create your personal policy how to handle them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover, instant messages are considered to have smaller weight than e-mails because they disappear from view too easily. If you remember, in many messengers of the past, starting the messaging app did not bring recent messages and current position in chat, but they started blank - anything recent was gone. Even today, we still do not expect that the person will really find our recent message once it was dismissed - dismissed either intentionally or simply because the notification was blocking other view. This way, some IM's are even never noticed at all. (Example: by chance, last week I just discovered that someone wrote me very important IM in January, obviously relying on fact I'll find it. I found it 8 months later when searching for something else.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tips when reaching others not responding to your IM's:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Urgent thing? Ping via IM once more, then call.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Thing which needs more elaboration on either side? Condense your request into e-mail and send it. If it deserves special attention, you can use IM to notify that you sent an e-mail right now.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tips for incoming IM's:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you can't pay attention to them, be sure you keep them unread (or remember them) and follow them at later time&lt;br&gt;&#xA;OR&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;show your IM partners that they do not have to rely on IM's and they have to consider them forgotten if you did not respond to them shortly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a commenter below my answer has said, instead of respecting other peoples' boundaries, you are basically asking here &lt;em&gt;how you can force their boundaries to get open wider&lt;/em&gt;. But forcing other people's behavior generally does not work (unless it is required by state law, by some obligation of them towards you or by a contract). But for standard instant messaging, just give and respect freedom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1778" LastEditorUserId="1778" LastEditDate="2018-09-10T09:44:17.547" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T09:44:17.547" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18224" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18225" CreationDate="2018-09-04T20:23:54.880" Score="4" ViewCount="897" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend is chubby. I don't mind this. I like chubby girls, I find her very attractive as she is. She wears her weight very well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's decided to lose weight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I be supportive of her decision and her progress without making it seem that it's a determination of her attractiveness, or my opinion on her body? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm trying to find ways to compliment her by acknowledging the weight loss as well as just her in general. Currently, I've been very separate in these compliments (I'm trying to make sure that when I tell her how good she looks, I'm not tying it to her weight loss. I want her to stop when she feels comfortable or happy, I don't want her to think that I want her to continue for my sake, or that I'll only find her more attractive if she does). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I tell her about her weight loss, I'm usually saying things about how her clothes look looser or how she's much lighter (she's actually getting smaller but not much lighter, so I've been working out so I can give her the illusion that she's lighter, even if the scales aren't really showing it too much. She's gaining muscle, so her mass is equaling out) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that I may be overthinking this whole thing, but I'm just trying to make sure I walk this carefully. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want to make sure the words I give her are the best words I can. I want her to be happy about her weight loss, but not make her feel it's important for our relationship. It's for her. But I also want to make her feel sexy because of all the effort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In what ways can I improve my approach? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19603" LastEditorUserId="20493" LastEditDate="2018-09-04T21:30:32.660" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T21:30:32.660" Title="My girlfriend and her weight" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-05T07:38:22.870" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18224" CreationDate="2018-09-04T20:50:47.210" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend trying to find more specific compliments that don't necessarily correlate to her &quot;attractiveness&quot; or her weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you start working out, you start becoming healthier and stronger so complimenting her on her ability to run further or faster, do more reps, etc. anything that can highlight the benefits of her exercise outside of physical weight loss. This also will help her develop a mentality that her effort isn't just to make her look better, it's to feel better (which, IMO, is a better motivator to keep up the hard work).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of her physical appearance, you could mention she looks &quot;toner&quot;. This can be a great word to describe someone who isn't necessarily losing weight (as in on the scale) but building muscle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T20:50:47.210" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18227" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18155" CreationDate="2018-09-04T21:48:55.023" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This guy made a rape joke about your girlfriend, and you still call him your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you allow that, he will not change his behavior.  He has no reason to.  Now, if you and your friends say to him &quot;That is disgusting.  Get out of here right now&quot;, he might learn to keep his mouth shut.  If your 'friends' won't back you up on that, they are not worth having as friends anymore than that creep is.  Then again, it might be that a set of people who find Holocaust jokes hilarious is going to be totally unable to do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if he is autistic, which I doubt, it doesn't matter.  Autistic people do not have free reign to make rape jokes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T21:48:55.023" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18228" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-04T22:38:40.580" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact he read your message doesn't imply that he &lt;em&gt;has to&lt;/em&gt; reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this might sound rude, but it's perfectly fine to &lt;em&gt;not answer&lt;/em&gt; when someone you barely know sends you a message. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are countless reasons for which he might not want to reply (maybe he's busy, maybe he's not interested anymore, etc.). The fact you chatted with him doesn't give him an obligation to answer to your messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I set boundaries to let people know I expect a reply, even if it's like &quot;I don't feel like doing this anymore&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot expect such things from other people, they are free to do whatever they want. &lt;strong&gt;Expecting other people to do things&lt;/strong&gt; is fine if you are in a hierarchical relationship (father/son, or boss/employee, etc.) but otherwise, it's not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact you're using a tech service that allows you &lt;strong&gt;to track&lt;/strong&gt; if he read your message doesn't give you the right to force him embrace your own expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't feel like doing this anymore&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very few people will dare to say this directly to stop a relationship. It's a fact. But yes, more or less, silence is often a way to say this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after one week he still didn't reply, it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a reply: he changed his mind, and doesn't want to continue the discussion anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Addendum&lt;/strong&gt;: why do people usually ignore and not explicitely say &lt;em&gt;&quot;I don't feel like doing this anymore&quot;&lt;/em&gt;? Because saying this would start a new conversation, new questions (e.g. &lt;em&gt;&quot;Why don't you want anymore? What did I do wrong?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;) requiring new answers, new messages, that would create even more embarassment. For this reason people sometimes stop the conversation by just ignoring the messages, it's easier, faster and doesn't ask for a justification about their feelings (people don't like to have to justify themselves about why want to stop a relationship).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8100" LastEditorUserId="8100" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T14:22:22.030" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T14:22:22.030" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18195" CreationDate="2018-09-04T23:18:34.747" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are making this more complicated than it has to be.  Honestly, there was no point in asking around at all unless you were actually going to move the wedding data based on the answers.  Were you really considering doing that?  About the only reason I could think of to change from a date that worked well for us to one that did not might be to accommodate a family pregnancy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have any indication that this friend is so irrational that she will be offended by the date you chose.  Your fiancee tells her &quot;we ended up picking 6/12/19.&quot;  That's it.  No one in her right mind would think that picking her birthday means she is not expected at the wedding!  Presumably this best friend will be a bridesmaid, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She will at some point tell the boyfriend, and he will figure out what to do with his plans for her birthday.  Presumably, he's not so crazy that he will take your wedding plans as a personal slight.  I'm not sure why you even consulted the boyfriend at all.  He gave you pretty much exactly the worst answer you could get from him, and you are carrying on anyway. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-09-04T23:18:34.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18230" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18232" CreationDate="2018-09-05T01:51:02.453" Score="12" ViewCount="2939" Body="&lt;p&gt;The three things needed from a relationship (at least I feel) are Emotional, Physical and intellectual. My GF gives enough Emotionally by supporting me and encouraging me in my endeavors and also physically (obvious thing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue I feel often is that in conversations she does not pick my brain for anything. I realize that that not every moment can be a high-level discussion about philosophy or theories. But whenever we reach a topic which requires deeper thought she tends to shut off and not want to continue talking about it and saying things like &quot;change topic&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit of background, I'm older by a few years and also more exposed and educated than she is. I've been together with Alice for about 1.5-2 years with majority of it being an LDR (long distance relationship). This is half the reason why I only realized the conversation issue more recently as most of our talks are online which do not hold the same weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for what a deep topic is to me. It isn't so much me diving into something I like and talking about it to no end as she desperately looks for an escape from this man who can't stop talking about Westworld. It's more along the lines of science, politics and the like. **Example: ** I watched an interesting video on GMO food and its effects, I asked her what she thought of it and the reply was &quot;they are bad and not natural.&quot; As I asked more and wanted to pursue the topic she told me to change the topic and she didn't want to continue. This happens for other topics as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Main Deal:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way for me to convince her to open up to more topics and try new things instead of changing the topic or avoiding &quot;hard&quot; topics?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9229" LastEditorUserId="6371" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T03:41:35.853" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T22:03:00.367" Title="Approaching GF about my intellectual needs and her lack of providing it" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18230" CreationDate="2018-09-05T02:38:26.900" Score="37" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a big part of the problem here may be your attitude and perception. In my experience, having a &quot;deep&quot; discussion involves opening up and delving deep into your thoughts on a matter. The one thing that would make me close up immediately would be perceived judgement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you're &quot;more exposed and educated than she is.&quot; Firstly, are you sure that this attitude isn't bleeding through into your discussions and how you interact with her when trying to have a discussion like this? And secondly, I think you need to realize that being exposed or educated may not be requirements to have the kind of intellectual conversations you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe a lack of education or exposure would make it hard to have a deep discussion on string theory or fashion in Milan, but everyone has &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; they care about. &lt;strong&gt;I think your biggest problem is that you're pushing for a very specific kind of conversation about subjects you're choosing.&lt;/strong&gt; Instead, I'd suggest trying to find something that she'd like to talk a lot about. Maybe she's genuinely never thought about GMO foods, or has given them so little thought that she doesn't feel comfortable having a deep conversation about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how do you find a subject that she'll love to talk about and you will too? I have two suggestions for you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Find something that she spends a lot of time doing that you're only a little familiar with and try to find out more of why she's interested. Since you'll be looking at the subject with mostly fresh eyes, you'll probably have a vastly different perspective than her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do something new together. Maybe you both go see a movie together and discuss afterwards over a meal. Maybe you go to a museum and discuss afterwards over a meal. Maybe you go to a poetry reading and discuss afterwards over a meal. (do you see a pattern here?) Find something thought provoking (for me and my SO this is usually something art related) and interesting for both of you and experience it for the first time together so you're both on the same page. This way, &quot;exposure&quot; and &quot;education&quot; shouldn't play as much of a role. It may also help to tell her that you're interested in discussing whatever it is you're going to see with her afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T22:03:00.367" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T22:03:00.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18233" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18230" CreationDate="2018-09-05T08:14:23.330" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to the excellent answer from @scohe001, I'd want to add that not all people like the same type of discussions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You gave a perfect example that could have happened the same way to me: the discussion about GMO food. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I get home from work, I could enjoy talking about it, discussing controversial pros and cons and thinking about solutions on how to save the world. At the same time, this could give me a little distance from my own problems. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner, on the other hand, would start to worry and stack this on her own existing problems. She would get the feeling of additional stress and responsibility that she really can't deal with right now. So her natural reaction would be: This is bad, the world is messed up, there is nothing I can do about it right now - can we please move on?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to force her to stay in this discussion would cause her to have a bad time. If you love her, don't do it unless it's a pressing personal matter. Let her decide when and where she wants to have an opinion and where not. Instead, rather try to find out what's moving her in the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, as somebody else pointed out, having intellectual exchanges with someone is normally not mutually exclusive. You can always try to find other people who also enjoy this kind of discussion and get your thought-food there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T01:11:41.147" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T01:11:41.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18222" CreationDate="2018-09-05T10:49:12.597" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the key is, to let them save face. This is especially delicate when you give criticism in front of a group. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you criticize someone in front of others, and you use wordings like &lt;em&gt;your teaching style needs a lot of work&lt;/em&gt; it has a high potential they feel attacked and get defensive. What they will understand than is: &lt;em&gt;You suck ...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such situation´s it is especially hard to give you clues, as this would mean you had to admit you feel hurt. Admitting you feel hurt to someone who is just hurting you is especially difficult, as it adds additional attack surface. So the natural reaction, especially with people not too close to you is to hide any feelings. &quot;Raise your shields&quot; so to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try to take the bite out of it a little if you preface your criticism with a statement of your own inability to give good feedback - so you take some of the blame for any possible perceived attack beforehand - but this only goes to an certain extent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, to prevent such misunderstandings you probably wont be able to rely on instant feedback in a live group situation. Instead, try to learn how to give constructive feedback in a 1-on-1 or training situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(How to give good feedback could make another good question, if it hasn´t already be answered.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T12:53:34.440" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T12:53:34.440" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18235" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18222" CreationDate="2018-09-05T11:25:00.170" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am not diagnosed with autism, but I also tend to be more honest than polite. Since I am aware of that, I usually tell people to shut me down if it becomes too much for them. I usually do this at one of these two opportunities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When the social situation is obviously something like a feedback round, a discussion table etc. &#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I tend to step on people's toes sometimes, or say things more rudely than I mean to. Just in case you feel attacked at some point, let me know please, so I can clarify :)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works well for me in non-formal situations with friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When I just said something that I'm not sure of whether it might be too much rudeness/honesty.  &#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Uhm, I should probably make clear that this is just my opinion and that I tend to be a bit too direct at times. I hope I didn't attack you on a personal level?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both are obviously things that put you in subpar light. But that's better than putting &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; on the spot.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask people one-on-one for feedback on your behaviour if you still feel like they are bothered by it. Make sure to actually listen to the feedback, and to give them the belief that you are considering it. That means among other things that you shouldn't justify too much (and in my experience, too much is way sooner than you'd think. People expect that you'll defend yourself and ignore their opinion.)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Asking for that feedback has multiple advantages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You show that you care  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They have an opportunity to tell you something that is bothering them without losing face in front of the whole group  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;You&lt;/em&gt; don't lose face by the whole group telling you that your communication skills suck.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding your specific situation of giving feedback.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;your teaching style needs a lot of work because [x]&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't phrase it that way. Ever. The point of giving feedback is that they can change for the better. If you start a sentence with &quot;You suck ...&quot;, everything else will be pretty much not heard by them in a helpful way. Instead, they will instantly erect a mental wall and only listen to you in order to find a reason why you are wrong.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, &lt;strong&gt;start with something positive&lt;/strong&gt; to get them into a state of actually listening. Then, explain to them what bothered you, but &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; explain how you think they could do it better. That's constructive. There's no need to tell them that they are really bad, just give them a few hints but by no means so much that they feel like they are doing a bad job. That would not help them become better, usually. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to &lt;strong&gt;end with another positive thing&lt;/strong&gt;. You don't want them to forget about your actual constructive feedback, but you also don't want them to have the feeling of &quot;you did not optimally&quot; when you stop talking.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make also sure to use &quot;I think&quot; and such, instead of &quot;You are&quot;. Don't claim facts, especially not about them. That calls for trouble, even though both are - if one takes the time to actually think about it - quite obviously just your opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2061" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2018-09-22T18:10:10.713" LastActivityDate="2018-09-22T18:10:10.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18236" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18245" CreationDate="2018-09-05T11:27:41.617" Score="9" ViewCount="19550" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: I’m completing a BSc Mathematics, currently in year 4.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people who have almost no mathematical background ask me what I study in university. I understand that this is a very common way (at least in my country) to start a conversation to an undergraduate, but I think that this is inappropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not going to blame them because I believe that they truly don’t understand what mathematicians are doing (perhaps I don’t either). Also, explaining what to study in other majors appears to be much easier (at least for me). For example, a CS student may explain with an applied course (such as mobile app development). This is even easier for job-oriented subjects (law, social work etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually start by saying that MATH students study rigorous maths like theorems and proofs. There are several domains like PDE and applied maths (I’m not going to talk about analysis and algebra because the discussion will soon go into chaos, and I believe they know nothing about elementary calculus and linear algebra). My most “real-life” example is image processing (and perhaps, no other examples). However, I think emphasising such an example does not give a very clear picture of what a math student studies. They may even have difficulty understanding cooperative strategy in game theory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worse still, they&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;start feeling that studying maths is useless (and I believe that a lot of people think so).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;start by teasing at people who study math. That’s fine because it is OK for me to simply ignore them after a detailed explanation (e.g. studying math trains one’s reasoning skills), but this is in no way a good situation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;start by saying something irrelevant, especially for those who entirely don’t know advanced maths. For example, they think that a 10-year-old child who won in a competition by correctly doing a large number of mental arithmetic calculation in a short time is very good at maths.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually try to explain in detail, slowly and patiently, but in vain. Any hint?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4332" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T16:12:20.743" Title="How to reply to someone who asks me what I am studying?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;explaining&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-09-05T16:43:21.793" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18236" CreationDate="2018-09-05T11:47:31.317" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;So is the question really about what you study? Because you answer &lt;em&gt;What do you study&lt;/em&gt; with &lt;strong&gt;Math&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or is this question on how to explain what you are studying? So after you respond with &lt;strong&gt;math&lt;/strong&gt; they follow up with question &lt;em&gt;and what do you do exactly&lt;/em&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the latter, from personal experience, people don't want to know what you do exactly. It is, as you stated, just a conversation starter.  So you can just say &quot;theorems and proofs&quot;. It may not be true but any other answer will give the same impression. &#xA;Also from personal experience, you can just say that the whole field is big as universe and your section is closer in size to solar system.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I don't go into detail about my work, unless my interlocutor shows me they knows something we can talk about.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Also I picked up few &quot;tricks&quot; that look amazing but are actually totally useless. In math department I think it may be those &quot;Asian&quot; way of multiplying large numbers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T11:47:31.317" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-05T12:25:44.427" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest following up with information on why a reply is important. Thinking about why you need a reply will help you deal with delays in messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the name of the website?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;[read, no response]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will have time to look at your website tonight, and I would like to see it before we discuss this further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of people have a hard time saying &quot;No thanks&quot;, so giving an &quot;out&quot; will always help you figure out where others stand, and takes the uncertainty out of the conversation. Giving a deadline always helps in setting expectations for the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When will you arrive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;[read, no response]&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will arrive around lunch, so maybe we can meet for lunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the other person doesn't have a good answer, offering a baseline to go off of can help narrow down uncertain plans. Now a reply can be &lt;em&gt;&quot;Sorry, I don't think I'll be there until after lunch.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; Or it can be &lt;em&gt;&quot;Yeah, I should be there for lunch, lets meet then.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; As the event approaches, you can narrow down plans for specific places and times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the recipient continues to be difficult, keep setting deadlines. &lt;em&gt;&quot;Are you going to be here soon? I want to eat before the 1:30 panel&quot;.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By setting expectations and deadlines in the conversation, eventually a reply will become urgent enough that you'll get an answer; or a reply will simply become unnecessary. Some people are just bad at making a commitment or saying &quot;no&quot;, and by sending specific following messages, you can learn which people you can expect replies from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12254" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T12:25:44.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18239" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18236" CreationDate="2018-09-05T13:26:18.947" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally when people ask these kinds of questions, they're just trying to get to know what sort of person you are. Your answer gives them a sense of your interests, and how you spend your time. Beyond that, whether consciously, or unconsciously, they're feeling out your soft skills. Small talk gives people a sense of how approachable you are, your sense of humor, your personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way you choose to answer a simple question about what you study ends up telling the person a lot more than your field of study. So, you'll have to ask yourself what sort of impression you want to leave on your conversation partner. Are you intellectually smug? Are you intelligent, yet grounded? Are you nerdy, but quick with a joke? Would you rather not be bothered? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you actually study has little to do with that impression, unless the person has a similar background or interests. Granted, high level math has a rather small target audience, and most people won't understand what you're studying, but you can choose to think less of them, or you can navigate the conversation with a little more skill and find some common ground. Once you've found common ground, you'll probably leave a much better impression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than focusing on your field, you could segue into campus life, student loan debt, the cost of textbooks, or pretty much anything that's study/university adjacent. These are topics that a much wider audience will be familiar with, and will likely lead to a more natural conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, my brother is an electrical engineer. Most people, in the small town we grew up in, would have a hard time understanding what he was studying, but he went to a university with a rather well known football team. This made for an easy place to segue to. He could tell a story about going to see a game, or the school's hyper focus on its sports program and shift the conversation towards something that people could relate to and have a light conversation about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of small talk like tennis or ping-pong, but rather than trying to score points, you're looking for a volley. Nice gentle serves that people can return. If you're the guy who spikes the ball at every opportunity, and complains that people can't return the serve, you'll eventually be limited to a very small set of people who are interested in playing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T13:29:05.027" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T13:29:05.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-05T13:47:55.220" Score="12" Body="&lt;h1&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;instant&quot; in instant messaging is a horrible misnomer. It isn't instant, and it's frustrating to expect it to be so. It engenders confusion in reasonable people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Longer&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Instant&quot; messaging is &lt;em&gt;asynchronous&lt;/em&gt; (as in not synchronized), as is email, snail mail, text messaging, voicemail, etc. If there's no one there to take the message when it arrives, it hangs around until someone reads/listens, or even just until the heat death of the universe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By contrast, speech, phone calls, skype, telegraph, etc. are &lt;em&gt;synchronous&lt;/em&gt;: if there's no one &quot;listening&quot; on the other end your message falls on the floor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people have really embraced the nature of the asynchronous communication methods, which really irks people that still have expectations of synchronous communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice to you is that if you expect (or need, in a particular case) synchronous communication, then use a proper method: phone call, skype call, meet for coffee, etc. Don't leave a detailed voicemail, instead say &quot;hey call me back&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; the other person has read your IM, real-time response just isn't an intended feature of the system (again, despite the name). It's a &quot;best effort&quot; feature of the system from a technology standpoint, and, IME it's a &quot;best effort&quot; kind of thing socially too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4233" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T13:47:55.220" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18241" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18236" CreationDate="2018-09-05T14:09:43.500" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with the answers saying this is basically small talk, but have a different approach on how to respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience (biomedical electrical engineering), nobody cares what exactly you do (programming an algorithm to extract stuff from signals, calculating electrical fields, simulating a circuit), they simply want to be entertained. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, I say we do stuff like pace makers, mri, ct, etc. That's enough for 90% of people, because they don't even care how exactly you do that. It's enough to &lt;strong&gt;visualize what you do&lt;/strong&gt; though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend the same to you. Don't say “bayesian summarizing of unexplicable vectorized vodoo data“, make it so the other person can “touch“ what you do. Say for example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I could calculate credit scores based on how your friends behave on social media.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can consult with firms that don't know why they produce so much waste instead of product by analyzing how much waste is created at the different stations and predicting how changes will improve that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or whatever floats your boat. Just don't make it about math. Frame it differently. Understandable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone insists (but doesn't have the knowledge to understand it), you can still throw the 7-dimensional integration of qubit-quarks at them. Then they can say “ohhh wow, that sounds hard“ and you're over it. I've never come across someone who was interested in more details. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Details are boring. A conversation is entertainment. Think about a few standard lines that sound cool and you're fine. They don't want a clear picture. If you're just into theoretical stuff without application, you can still say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I invent the stuff the engineers can use in a 100 years to make flying cars. Just like Einstein invented the theory of relativity which helped us get to space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Accuracy = details = boring). If you want something more accurate, spend some time finding something equally catchy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7470" LastEditorUserId="7470" LastEditDate="2018-09-05T14:14:53.477" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T14:14:53.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-05T14:58:51.267" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you need some info at a particular moment, your best bet is to call. There is no accepted rule as far as I know when it comes to time replying to a text message. If you need to know if something by a certain time you can try sending them a call. If that that fails you can send a text or email saying that you just need to know by a certain time otherwise you’ll act on it. (E.g.: I need to know if someone is going to give me a ride to the airport tomorrow, but I need to know by tonight if they’re going to do it; just in case I need to schedule a taxi. I’ll let them know this by text usually further in advance, and call closer to the deadline, and, if that fails to get a response, make a decision on my own.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21142" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T14:58:51.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18243" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-05T15:28:27.690" Score="4" ViewCount="1605" Body="&lt;p&gt;Starting about a year or two ago, my wife (let's call her Sally) has been rather dishonest about some of the activities we've been apart of. Most of the time I don't notice, but my friend notices far more frequently. I would just like to preface this that our marriage is going good and there have been no problems with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other week, my company invited spouses for an after work party. Without going into much detail, the first thing Sally did was fill up her bag (and the zip locks she tucked away) with various nuts and sweets. I noticed this when she kept packing me lunch with the same sweets/nuts as the party a month later. Most recently, Sally found out that a vary popular water park lets readmission if you have one of those temporary tattoos. Since we go a lot (at least 2-3 times a week during season), Sally came up with this plan where she would get a real tattoo that greatly resembles the temporary tattoo. Sally is currently in the process of &quot;observing&quot; each weeks tattoo. She has loads of notes about them, which leads me to believe that she's actually serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I talk to her and stop these minor schemes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21500" LastEditorUserId="17869" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T04:24:05.123" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T14:55:29.013" Title="How do I talk to my wife about her minor scheming?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18236" CreationDate="2018-09-05T16:09:59.423" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another way to answer this question is what do you plan to do with your math degree. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I study computer science which often leads to the joking (or sometimes serious) question &quot;Can you fix my computer/printer/wifi?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually use this stereotype to segue into what I hope to do with my degree. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh, I'm not a IT/hardware/networking expert. I'm studying so that I can later ...&quot; Then finish up with what you plan to do with you degree&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This addresses why studying math is practical (you are planning a career), any stereotypes they might have about math careers (you reorient the conversation around your goals and interests, not ten-year old protégées), and usually stops teasing (because you give a serious reply).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if someone asks &quot;What do you study&quot;, you would reply, &quot;I'm studying math, so that I can later...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Teach math&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consult on X/Y or Z&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Become an actuary&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Become a day trader&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whatever it is that you hope to do in math&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking about what your future plans are is another way to make your degree accessible. Like many of the other answers, people have a mental picture of day traders, actuaries and consultants, while they might not understand the theoretical basic of their jobs, so they can continue the conversation in a relevant direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The one disclaimer for this answer is if you hope to become a theorist. No one knows what theorists do (joke). Then I would suggest using DonQuiKong's answer to flesh out what area you hope to contribute to in theory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21502" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T16:09:59.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18236" CreationDate="2018-09-05T16:12:20.743" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I personally think that the right answer for you will depend strongly on your mathematical philosophy. If you are a platonist, then mathematics is completely about &lt;strong&gt;discovering truths&lt;/strong&gt; (not about &lt;strong&gt;evaluating mathematical expressions&lt;/strong&gt; as per your point 3). If you are a formalist, then mathematics is just about &lt;strong&gt;proving theorems&lt;/strong&gt; within your chosen foundational system, and whether they are 'nice' or not is a matter of mathematical aesthetics. If you are a finitist, then almost all higher abstract mathematics taught in university are meaningless to begin with, and you may not have a good answer. If you are unconcerned with foundations and philosophy of mathematics, then I think you should at least figure out what &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; personally believe in and wish to gain from mathematics, because that ought to drive your mathematical exploration, and hence how you explain that exploration to others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To specifically address your points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I usually start by saying that MATH students study rigorous maths like theorems and proofs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as you are not anti-platonist, phrase it not as &quot;theorems and proofs&quot; but as &quot;facts and justifications&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There are several domains like PDE and applied maths (I’m not going to talk about analysis and algebra because the discussion will soon go into chaos, and I believe they know nothing about elementary calculus and linear algebra).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can if you wish mention very basic results like the intermediate value theorem, but phrased in a layman way or even weakened. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you draw a curve from one corner of a square to the opposite corner through the interior of the square, without lifting your pen, you must at some point cross the diagonal between the other two corners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, I know that this is not accurate; it is only about piecewise smooth curves, and does not convey the complexity of continuous curves. But it is just to get the point across that it is a fact that can actually be &lt;strong&gt;proven&lt;/strong&gt; and not just left to intuition or guesswork.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My most “real-life” example is image processing (and perhaps, no other examples). However, I think emphasising such an example does not give a very clear picture of what a math student studies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well image processing is not on the pure mathematics side, so if you are a pure mathematics student then clearly using such examples might not sit well with explaining what &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; study. So instead try to find examples in your specializations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They may even have difficulty understanding cooperative strategy in game theory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like game theory, you can try to use simpler examples. There is no need to explain the most complicated knowledge that you have gained from university.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12070" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T16:12:20.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18243" CreationDate="2018-09-05T17:55:11.007" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask her about these behaviors&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is some reason that she does these things (or a collection of smaller, non-overlapping reasons), and knowing the &quot;why&quot; will be a critical element in talking to her about this at all (whether or not you try to convince her to stop).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to better understand her is key-- you should be trying to &lt;em&gt;obtain&lt;/em&gt; information &lt;em&gt;about her&lt;/em&gt;, not trying to &lt;em&gt;transmit&lt;/em&gt; information about what you &lt;em&gt;want her to be&lt;/em&gt;. Seeking information is not the same as expressing judgments, and it's easy to slide from the former to the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Once you understand more about why she does these things you can try to discuss and address those causes&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This step depends a lot on the specific reasons behind her activities. If, as some comments have suggested, she's trying to be very frugal then a conversation about your family finances and monthly household budget reviews might help a lot. Conversely, if she just gets a thrill out of small-scale scheming maybe talking about potential consequences to you both will be effective (&quot;If the waterpark finds out about the tattoo, you could be banned for good!&quot; or &quot;People at the party saw us sneak all that food, and my coworkers are giving me a hard time about it.&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In summary&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any efforts to get her to stop doing these things will be greatly aided by an understanding of why she does them in the first place. Once you know more about that, you can address those causes in the hope of eliminating the (perceived) need for those behaviors, and then the behaviors themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-09-05T17:55:11.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18251" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-05T22:17:26.857" Score="3" ViewCount="623" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in a long distance marriage right now - my husband is American, I am Canadian. He comes to visit me periodically (and I him), and when we do visits here, my family is very insistent that we do some sort of dinner or event or something to all spend time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's somewhat frustrating, as I understand they want to spend some time with him as they don't see him often, but it always has to be on their terms. They like to tell me &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;where&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt;, and it's always to me directly - and if I mention that my husband should get a say/opinion or that I want to check with him, I get told that &quot;this is the way we need to do things because then we can all be together as a family&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most recent example of this is that we are going to dinner the next time he comes, to a local buffet restaurant. My mom decided when, she decided where, and then told me to pick a time between 1-4pm and to invite everyone like it's my idea. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I did. I decided 4 pm so things would not be too busy (this place cooks your food in front of you, it can get busy and you have to wait lots if there are lots of people). I made a reservation and everything. I figured then we avoid the rush, it works out. It frustrated me some that it was a demand of when and where (without even asking us if we &lt;em&gt;wanted&lt;/em&gt; to do anything, or if we had any plans or anything - I know from past experience if we did have plans, the expectation is that &lt;em&gt;we'd&lt;/em&gt; change to accommodate &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fast forward to today - my sister asks if we can move it to 5:30 pm - this means it will be right during dinner rush, so we are going to have to wait a lot, it will be very busy and overwhelming. I don't want to move it, but if we don't, her husband can't come. So instead of negotiating or discussing, when I mentioned that I made the reservations and I didn't know if I could move them, there was just a demand that I figure it out because &quot;we are family and we don't get to see him ever&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also frustrating because once they get what they want they tend to act overly cheerful and like my frustration doesn't even matter. I never get an apology or anything for the behaviour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm honestly tired of being railroaded - I get that they don't get to see him much, and neither do I. I'd just like all of us to get input - I am tired of them dismissing me when I say I need to see what my husband thinks, I am tired of them deciding when and where and how without concern of what we'd like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make these lines of communication a bit clearer and more open? Every time I put my foot down, I tend to get told I don't value my family and get guilt trips thrown my way about how they're just trying to make the best of it and get to know him and all of that. It's very frustrating, and it makes me not want to plan things at all, because this kinda sours my desire to actually be around them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, we have a great relationship, but for some reason planning family events just seems to bring out the worst in my family (but my mom especially). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T09:27:14.097" Title="How can I work with my family to respect my boundaries when it comes to event planning when my husband is in town?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18252" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18251" CreationDate="2018-09-06T00:12:43.840" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;So if the emphasis of your mom is on &quot;we all have to get be together&quot; (and it sounds like you don't object to that part) could she give way on the &quot;where&quot;?  So you could say &quot;sure, we'll switch to 5:30pm, let &lt;strong&gt;me&lt;/strong&gt; find a nice place that won't be crowded then&quot;.  You can even make the point that that way you can all talk without it being too noisy and overwhelming.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to try to &quot;hold your ground&quot; take a look at the book &quot;Emotional Blackmail&quot;.  It's a bit pop-psych but it really helped me in dealing with my emotionally controlling ex-wife.  It helps in seeing patterns of emotional control and gives techniques for changing the dynamics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T01:38:40.897" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T01:38:40.897" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18253" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18251" CreationDate="2018-09-06T01:30:59.787" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your family is bullying you, and you have to assert yourself for your sake and your husband's sake, and, eventually for your children's sake.  You are in a test of wills.  Just hang firm, don't explain, don't apologize, &lt;strong&gt;at most&lt;/strong&gt; make &lt;strong&gt;minor&lt;/strong&gt; compromises, and eventually after a lot of drama, they will capitulate.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the following responses seem too curt and cruel to you, soften them a bit, but get the message across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You don't value your family&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My husband is the most important member of my family; I value him&#xA;  enormously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we are family and we don't get to see him ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My husband is the most important member of my family and I don't get&#xA;  to see him nearly as often as I want to.  When he is here, we want to&#xA;  be together, and the rest of the family will just have accommodate our&#xA;  schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another technique that is useful with bullies is to say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This discussion is closed&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and hang up or leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am assuming your parents are not old and in poor health; if they are, you need to be more accommodating than this answer advises.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user1760" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T01:30:59.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18251" CreationDate="2018-09-06T01:31:03.603" Score="7" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Before talking with your mother:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make a plan with your husband, pick a day or two that might work, and that fits your preferences. Pick 5 places that you, your husband and your mother like to go to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sit down and breathe. It's better to compose yourself before going into the fray, and don't assume there will always be one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Compile a list of all the different thoughts you have and separate the thoughts from facts. If you end up in a fight with your mother, the best thing to do is present the facts without emotion. They can't argue against their own facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;When you talk with your mother:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have some scripted responses ready in case she starts insisting you follow her whims just because of her desire to do so. This can help you keep your head and not be led by emotions. This is not easy, I know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples might look like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mother, I understand you would like to do this, but me and husband have plans to relax and spend the day together on that day. Is there a chance we can do it on a day that both me and husband and yourself agree on?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she refuses&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see how me and husband will be happy if you completely take over the planning, and leave me and husband with no say and an obligation to go. If that's the case, I won't have any fun and will be less likely to go. I don't want to miss out on time with you, but you really have to understand that this schedule is not just yours, it's mine and my husband's too. I have limited time with him, and I'm sure you don't want to get in the middle of that. That would be really impolite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These phrases will let your mother know that it is socially unacceptable to do that, and you will &amp;quot;be less likely to go&amp;quot; as in, you are slightly threatening you don't want to hang out with them, because she is railroading you. In addition, you are implying that she is being invasive in your relationship with your husband, and letting her know firmly it isn't right. Using phrases like &amp;quot;You wouldn't want that, right?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;You know this isn't right to do, right?&amp;quot; continues to remind her that her own emotion could be getting the better of her, and you're offering reason versus emotion, and a good, civil conversation would be a better way of expressing expectations of each other. If you want more on how to express expectations of each other, maybe check out &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/17508/19249&quot;&gt;my answer on this question&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Another option&lt;/strong&gt; is to create a message for &lt;strong&gt;everyone&lt;/strong&gt;, including your mother, expressing that you have tried again and again to have a say in plans, but keep getting railroaded, and write it in &amp;quot;I/Me&amp;quot; terms, saying how you feel when you are spoken to in this way,. If at least one family member really gets what you're saying, they can realize that your mom is not respecting you, and help you put a stop to your mother's bickering, or at least be another voice of reason and support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could offer day and time options, that you and husband listed, perhaps including the one she wants (if it is a day you can/prefer to do), and at a time you prefer, and options of places (that you and husband listed). The hard part here is staying firm on these, and not expressing uncertainty, because she can latch on and wiggle that give-in from you. Do talk over that in detail with your husband, make sure that you both have decided firmly on these.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making boundaries with anyone will definitely create resistance as they get used to the new idea, and they will have to deal with it in their own way. The important thing to remember here is that it is &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; your fault that they are feeling hurt, you simply have made something clear that you would prefer X over Y, and they aren't used to that. They will learn and heal. Or get mad, guilt trip you. (Hopefully not in this case).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Avoiding guilt trips are difficult to do, and here's an article on some methods to do that: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jen-smith/how-to-deal-with-guilt-trips_b_10019964.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Huffington Post article&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the article, the six major steps to take are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't take it personally&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Watch out for the signs&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Build up your self esteem&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Practice&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stand your ground&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say no&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To sum it up, this is a tricky issue- you love and care for your mother, but can't stand being railroaded every time you want a say in what time you have with family and with your husband. Not to mention, your husband is being railroaded completely, and that isn't good. Following those guilt-trip avoidance guidelines will help build your confidence to put your foot down with your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T01:31:03.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18255" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18222" CreationDate="2018-09-06T01:45:17.237" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, you're running into the fact that correcting adults is a violation of social convention. So for them to tell you that you're violating a social convention, they would need to violate a social convention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have some friends who are really comfortable with you and are willing to give you honest criticism? If so, one possibility could be to ask them if they would do some roleplaying with you. That's not as good as getting the actual people who are offended to tell you, early, why they're offended. But over time, it might give you a better idea of what kinds of communication triggers people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I imagine a roleplaying session:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: OK, so what happened?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: I said, &quot;Your teaching needs a lot of work, because (X, Y, Z).&quot;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: Yeah. Problem. 'needs a lot of work' is going to be taken by them as insulting. I can't explain exactly why, but people are going to take it as superior and condescending. I suggest that you cut that phrase out of your vocabulary. One possible alternative could be, 'I see some issues with X, Y, Z.'. Try rephrasing using that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: (rephrasing using his suggestion)    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: OK, that was better, but then the way you described X....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would, obviously, take a fair chunk of time. In an ideal world, you could do this friend a corresponding favor of some kind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T17:11:59.323" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T17:11:59.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18256" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-06T01:57:34.060" Score="9" ViewCount="881" Body="&lt;p&gt;Basically I have to give someone I live with notice I will start legal action against them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A roommate's dog will not stop barking. I told her it affects my ability to work and sleep and she said she does not intend to do anything about it. The roommate is also the landlord, so things are about to get hairy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically I need to give her one final warning on official document with a deadline to fix the problem. I plan on taping it to her door, though it could be served to her in person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really just want this problem to go away, and hope this final warning will be enough for her to take action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Given that I live with her, how can I do this in a way to minimize hard feelings?&lt;/strong&gt; Perhaps I can do it when I plan on not having to see her for as long as possible? I do plan on moving but in the mean time this isn't fair that I pay a lot of money and get woken up at night and my work is disrupted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19971" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:44:33.720" LastActivityDate="2018-12-20T03:30:59.110" Title="How to involve the law with minimizing feelings of threatening" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18257" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-06T03:14:55.807" Score="39" ViewCount="31133" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a close friend who I have been very supportive of each-other and it's been a relatively decent friendship but lately it's gotten out of hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend calls me 3 to 4 times a day and texts me non-stop. To the point I almost expect it. He always makes some kind of excuse why he needs to call me, for example he will say &quot;I need you to call me. It's important.&quot; or &quot;I have a question to ask you. Can you call me?&quot; Then even if I tell him if he can just text me or if it can wait, he will call me anyways. Doesn't even matter what I'm doing. I could be at work, or out in town, or doing chores, and I'd have to drop everything. And these conversations will go on forever, to the point of wasting my time because there talking about stuff I really don't care about or he talked about it already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried a few things. Ignoring him turns into a nightmare. He will begin spam calling and texting me till I pick up. I'll wake up after a nap or coming back from outside, only to find tons of messages and voicemails with a slow progression of him getting pissed off because I didn't answer his calls. And the direct approach only gets similar results with the same excuse: &quot;I have a right to call my friends!&quot; I can understand like once a week, but 3 or more times a day... that's excessive...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's putting a strain on our friendship and I can't stand doing this everyday. I'm desperate for some way to fix this without ending what would be a perfectly fine friendship otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answering some questions:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Is there a chance of mental illness?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you consider being short fused a mental illness. Otherwise, I'm sure if that was the case, I would have picked up on it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Is there something in it for me?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No. I'm not a person who would use someone else for any reason and neither has he. Matter of fact, we hate depending on others. (Unless I have misunderstood what you mean.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Is this a possible relationship issue?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm only clarifying this because I saw it brought up. I'm a dude, Hes a dude.  There's nothing between us other then a long-term friendship. I'm not even going to bring sexuality into the mix ether.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What is he calling about?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he talks about &quot;urgency&quot; he usually dose have a problem, but its usually only &lt;em&gt;minor&lt;/em&gt; problem, like something I usually cant help him with and sometimes I'm sure he could care for on his own. But from what I've caught onto, its usually only something he can get my attention for so he can go &quot;Well, since I have you on the phone...&quot; And then he starts talking to me about random things that just have no connection to his original problem and are simply not important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21510" LastEditorUserId="21510" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T23:28:59.533" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T23:28:59.533" Title="How can I get my friend to stop calling me every day?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-09-07T17:06:09.240" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18257" CreationDate="2018-09-06T05:01:45.337" Score="67" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that you're going to have to set a boundary, enforce the boundary, and try not to care about his reaction. This will probably mean accepting that the friendship might end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With my mother (and I realize that's a different relationship) I set conditions for communicating with her, and I clearly explained them to her. The rule was that if she called me precisely ONCE and left a message on my cell, clearly and directly asking me to call her back, I would probably call her within 24 hours. If I didn't, she was allowed to call me ONCE in the next 24 hours. If she violated any of these rules, then I made sure that I did NOT call her in the 24 hours after she violated the rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It worked. If it hadn't, I would have upped the consequences, such as a week's timeout instead of a day's timeout.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, it's harder to lay down the law with a friend, but you're going to have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm imagining a phone call:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Joe, I can't support the amount of communication we've been having. From now on, I can't accept your calls or texts on weekdays or Saturdays. On Sundays, I'll try to make time to listen to your messages and look at your texts, and I may be able to call you sometime Sunday afternoon. But, Joe, if the messages and texts are angry, I'm not going to WANT to call you. If there are too many, I'm not going to have time to listen to or read all of them.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(rant rant gnash rant)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Yeah, you have a right to call. But I have a right to decide when and if I answer.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(gnash rant gnash rant)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Joe, you seem upset. I'm going to let you gather your thoughts. Maybe we'll talk on Sunday. Bye, Joe.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T06:37:12.163" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18257" CreationDate="2018-09-06T09:16:25.810" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm desperate for some way to fix this without ending what would be a&#xA;  perfectly fine friendship otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just not possible. Not that the friendship absolutely won't survive if you set boundaries, but there's also no method that guarantees it. You cannot control how he will react, you only have power over your own actions. And since you say the friendship won’t last if this goes on, the only thing you can do is tell him how he is hurting this friendship and what would save it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, set boundaries, be very clear about them with him, and enforce them. Tell him that you value his friendship, you wish to be a good friend to him, but the constant calls and the demand that you must always be available to him is just not possible, and it must stop, or you won’t be able to be his friend anymore. Than set the boundaries which are reasonable to you. Limit the amount of phone calls per day or per week. If he still calls you and messages you frequently, enforce those boundaries. Block his number and send him a message, something like : “Like I said last time, I can’t just be available to you always every day, and your stream of messages are stressing me out. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk to you”. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I have a right to call my friends!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any sane person would understand that your friends shouldn’t be dropping everything to take your calls, multiple times a day. If he says stuff like that, ignore him, don’t go into that argument. Stick to your boundaries. Just say “I hear you, but I still want you to stop spamming me when I’m unavailable.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing: what is he calling you about? Does he really have so many urgencies? If yes, there might be organizations whose job is to help him out. If not, he might be suffering from a mental illness and needs more help than you can provide. Either way, it might be useful to talk about it to him and see how he can get the help he needs without burdening you so much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21195" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T18:01:37.367" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T18:01:37.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18251" CreationDate="2018-09-06T09:27:14.097" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;No is a complete sentence&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It’s OK to be selfish with your yeses. As McKeown notes, you have to&#xA;  make your peace with the fact that saying no might mean trading&#xA;  popularity for respect. It’s unquestionably worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.forbes.com/sites/reganwalsh/2018/02/11/no-is-a-complete-sentence/#558039f456df&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.forbes.com/sites/reganwalsh/2018/02/11/no-is-a-complete-sentence/#558039f456df&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;An invitation or plea for help is not a summons to appear in court.&#xA;  People who don’t want to attend events to which they are invited have&#xA;  the option of declining. “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to attend.”&#xA;  That’s all that is necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-fallible-mind/201204/no-is-complete-sentence&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-fallible-mind/201204/no-is-complete-sentence&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you go along with saying “yes” to things you don’t really want to&#xA;  do, you are going to need to learn to put the word “no” in your&#xA;  vocabulary. Not only that, but you need to remember that “No” is a&#xA;  complete sentence...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Here is what you need to do when you don’t want to do something: say&#xA;  “No.” That’s no, period, end of story. If you want to say, “No, thank&#xA;  you,” that is acceptable, but don’t add anything else to the sentence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“No” is the magic word to getting your life back. Just remember that&#xA;  it is a complete sentence, and act accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://think-human.com/no-is-a-complete-sentence/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://think-human.com/no-is-a-complete-sentence/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T09:27:14.097" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18262" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18282" CreationDate="2018-09-06T10:42:28.890" Score="9" ViewCount="2734" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every time I call my friend he puts me on speaker. I don't know why but I know his girlfriend is controlling and is always in his life 24/7. How do I get a private conversation without sounding like I'm being sketchy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional Info:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Phone calls, she's always there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Meet ups, she's always invited.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is the abusive type: Childish threats to leave him and slapping&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm a guy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3231" LastEditorUserId="3231" LastEditDate="2018-09-12T12:26:41.990" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T12:26:41.990" Title="Friend's controlling girlfriend is always listening to his phone calls with me. How to stop this?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18263" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18257" CreationDate="2018-09-06T11:21:07.190" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would attempt to be straightforward and brash, yet in a personal and friendly manner. There are a variety of excuses you could use (as long as you don't look like a hypocrite). Maybe something like:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;-&quot;Hey dude, I know you love to communicate, but it's taking a lot of time up and distracting when I am doing stuff.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-&quot;I love talking and whatever but I can't be calling and texting you all the time.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-&quot;I need go to the bathroom/call someone else/drive/take a nap/etc.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course making excuses will only get you so far and he won't get any sort of hint and change. You could also accept his phone calls but limit them to X number of minutes, saying you're doing something and need to focus or that you have other things to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the guy is really too thick-headed to take a hint that he needs to dial it back, it might not be optimal, but maybe you could escalate it to the point where you get into an argument, and then can reconcile. I assume your friendship is strong enough however. telling him you need your space and he needs to either condense what he has to tell you into a single phone call a day or wait a few days to unload, at the risk of him being offended, might play out better in the long run. If he is taken back by it, after a few days, you can approach him and say &quot;I'm sorry, but I need my space. We can still talk, just don't call and text every day. If I say i'm busy or don't respond, I'll contact you as soon as I can.&quot; This of course assume he's rational enough to handle it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And perhaps, maybe there is no easy solution. I had a friend who would &lt;strong&gt;constantly&lt;/strong&gt; text me, and in a matter I especially hate (really short texts but a lot of them). I wouldn't have my phone at work so when I get to my car, there would be 20 messages, all short and stupid and every day. I told her repeatedly and quite harshly, that she &lt;strong&gt;NEEDS&lt;/strong&gt; to stop texting me so frequently else we would not be friends anymore. I said not to call me and/or leave voicemails (as I really hate those). It escalated to the point where I blocked her number (but I still get the messages though my computer messaging application as the number is only blocked on my phone's level. I made it quite clear her number was blocked yet I would still get a flood of messages for weeks without me responding until I would just spam to her to stop and her number was blocked. Needless to say we aren't friends. She would absolutely not get a hint. We were definitely not anywhere close as friends as you probably are, even if you aren't close. I'm just telling you how some people will not listen to reason even if you shout it in their face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T11:21:07.190" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18264" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18257" CreationDate="2018-09-06T11:28:15.013" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your friend has nothing to do with his free time (except calling you), you may want to consider &lt;strong&gt;finding him a suitable activity which will occupy him&lt;/strong&gt;. If he's looking for a job, help him finding one. If he's single, make him meet some acquaintances of yours. Suggest a book he should read, or a netflix series he should watch, or a computer game. If he has hobbies, make him meet people you know who are into something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T11:28:15.013" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18265" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18272" CreationDate="2018-09-06T11:45:14.670" Score="26" ViewCount="13115" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/strong&gt; I drive to work at my own expense. My friend gets a free ride from me, saving her money and time. I say &quot;don't be late&quot; sometimes, and she freaks out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I live in a metropolitan area and have a vehicle. I have a friend/coworker who ditched her car when she moved here so she takes the metro by default. She has been late before but I have too, and I have a history of oversleeping as I am a heavy sleeper. Sometimes, and infrequently, I will simply say when I will plan on picking her up from the metro (as she takes a much shorter metro ride to my place to get carpool ride vs taking the metro all the way to work) so will say something like &quot;I'm leaving at 600. Don't be late!&quot;. For whatever reason, she freaks out that I have the audacity to say &quot;don't be late&quot; when I have overslept before, which I said last night and overslept today. I tried to explain that I'm not being a hypocrite and only say it as a friendly reminder, as we are not infallible but she's not having it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some details:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have a car, she does not &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My commute is 20-30 min in my vehicle, her commute on metro is about an hour, her commute when carpooling is about 25-35 min (short metro ride and then carpool)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I spend a minimum of $70 in gas a month just commuting, she would spent at most $160 a month ($8 round trip per day x ~20 work days in a month) BUT she's part of a subsidy program for mass transit users which has a max allowance of $245/mo but I don't know how much she's receiving.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She does not pay me anything, ever. I don't ask but she never offers anything more than a &quot;thanks&quot;.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Half the time, she doesn't even ride home with me because she decides to stay later to build credit hours at work or will make me wait for her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was a GS-07 and she is a GS-09 (roughly $45k/year and $55k/year respectively, but I am a 09 now and she is becoming an 11 ($55 and $65 respectively). This is only relevant because she complains about money and not being able to afford the metro (despite the subsidy).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She also has another coworker that gives her rides (same situation but he lives close enough that he picks her up directly and she doesn't need the short metro ride over).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not my fault she &lt;strong&gt;GAVE&lt;/strong&gt; her car to her sister back at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just an example of how she acts, this one time she asked to stay 15 min later to build 15 min of credit hours, which is ridiculous if you ask me. I said I didn't want to but she insisted so I said okay and said I'll work on my project. I needed 15 min more than she did and when the first 15 min passed and she said she was done, I said I need 15 min more and she acted like that was ridiculous and she didn't want to have to wait for me, so we ended up staying 30 min past the work day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I let her know that she's the one benefitting at my expense for something that is completely voluntary by myself and only serves to help her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I refuse to stop asking her not to be late or to take back what I said before because I think I'm being perfectly reasonable. She thinks me saying that is &quot;disrespectful and dictatorish&quot;. I'd prefer for this to not be the reason to end a friendship but I won't stand for disrespect. I don't mind this arrangement but I do mind her attitude. I think I'm only doing her a favor. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure I oversleep sometimes but I literally have 35+ alarms set over a 60 min period between my phone and 5 different clocks. I know, ridiculous. So it's not like I try to oversleep. I have a half-hearted apology which I could do better but the reason I don't drop the subject is because she demands respect and acts like only she's in the right (mind you I don't have to give her rides at all and they're free for her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastEditorUserId="7440" LastEditDate="2018-09-08T01:52:38.467" LastActivityDate="2019-03-13T14:26:01.947" Title="Carpooling coworker sometimes makes me arrive late or stay late" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18262" CreationDate="2018-09-06T11:53:43.433" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try telling him that you won't be calling him if his girlfriend demands that. Try to convince him that her attitude isn't healthy. If he tries to rebut or calls you sketchy, tell him it's not normal for every phone call to be shared. You could also try telling him that if he wants her to be in his life 24/7, that's fine but you don't want her in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is he desperate and willing to put up with anything for his relationship? Does he just not care?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T11:53:43.433" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18267" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18262" CreationDate="2018-09-06T11:53:49.883" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I´d try to catch a private moment with him. Maybe when you go out and she uses the restroom? And then simply be honest and ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, sometimes I really miss having a private 1-on-1 conversation with you. Seems to me your girlfriend is really around any minute. What about that?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then listen what he has to say. If he thinks this is nothing to worry about or is unwilling to change that, I´m afraid you´ll have to deal with it and maybe find somebody else for your 4-eye talks, at least for now. It´s not really your place to get between them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he signals this is a concern for him also, you can suggest the two of you should have private times. How he breaks that to his partner is really his problem - maybe the topic of another question here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A general remark: As a friend you always have the option to take a step back and wait - and then be there to support him when his relationship finally breaks apart. I had lots of Friends the I kind of &quot;lost&quot; when they where in an intense relationship, but that came back afterwards. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also make room for the possibility that he likes it that way. In that case this can last a bit longer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, there is nothing you can really do to push him, only lend him a hand if he decides this is not right for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T14:08:16.140" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T14:08:16.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18256" CreationDate="2018-09-06T12:14:39.010" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be sincere but remorseful. Hand it in person. Say something like &quot;I know this isn't favorable but I really, really need your dog to stop barking. I'd hate to be a butt but I &lt;strong&gt;need&lt;/strong&gt; you to do something about it, and I'm &lt;strong&gt;this&lt;/strong&gt; serious about it (hence the legal notice).&quot; Really emphasize that it's between her dog barking and you being functional at your job, and frankly you chose being functional at your job to be more important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some other things you could do:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-I would suggest making the suggesting of getting anti-bark devices like the high-frequency sound emitters or shock collar and even paying for it&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-You could get a high-frequency emitter as she may not hear it though the walls but the dog would (I think they're like $10)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;-Before you serve the letter, you could try to appeal to her one last time, try to convince her that a dog constantly barking is unacceptable for both a tenant and a landlord &#xA;-If she does not budge, I would strongly suggest looking for other places and maybe negotiating severing your lease without penalty&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the legal action calling for? What is the consequence? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T12:14:39.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18269" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18265" CreationDate="2018-09-06T12:36:06.200" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been in a similar situation with carpooling but we were always 3-4 people going together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The system that we used was quite simple. If you were not where you are supposed to be on time you got left behind as it is not fair for 3 other people to be late if you can't make it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day you are the one doing a favour to that person. You set the rules. If she is not happy she doesn't have to carpool with you. Just stick to your schedule and offer rides if she wants them. You are under no obligation to stay late and wait for her or leave the moment she wants you to leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can tell you that nobody was late more than once as we were carpooling to a nearby town and it was generally a pain to get there if you missed the car. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T12:36:06.200" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18265" CreationDate="2018-09-06T12:45:32.220" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are absolutely right and it is not your job to take her to work everyday. That situation for waiting 15 minutes is ridicules and I am pretty sure she is a selfish person and only interested in her own feelings. Discussing directly the issue with her will looks like you got fed up and now don't want to do it anymore. I wouldn't do that, first - since the nature of your relationship was not established in such a way and second - you will not gain neither lose something except relief&#xA;sometimes accompanied with guilt maybe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me it looks like she have one of those &quot;skill&quot; to be always-in-control over the situation. Expressions like &quot;I need this&quot;, &quot;I need that&quot;, &quot;I am not going to do that&quot; are strong example of turning&#xA;the situation in her favour due to the fact that they will makes you feel bad if you don't do something.&#xA;On the other hand, I think you are giving too much explanation to her. You have absolutely no need of doing that! Your problem maybe currently is with this coworker, but&#xA;my guess is that can be applied to any other situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should try instead is to give short responses/answers on any situation that makes you even little discomfort, and make sure they know that you'll feel bad otherwise.&#xA;For example, you are waiting in the car her or on your way but you know she is late, try to call her before and say only &quot;I am in a hurry and I need to go, if you won't be able to make it in 5 minutes just know that I am gone. See you latter.&quot;&#xA;She might insist on you waiting for her and probably ask what you need to do so urgently but just insist that you are in a hurry or say something short without giving any information that will justify your need to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also tell her in a totally not related situation that you want to change your lifestyle and that you put some rules to follow. One of them will be also to be consistent in going to bed and leaving to work with your &quot;new time schedule&quot;. Your focus should be to slightly move out of the situation that you are currently in, if you want to keep the friendship. Otherwise she might take it personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case you need to work out on your skills to express emotions in a subtle way so others wont use your soft side of the heart.&#xA;Next time when she told you to wait for her 15min credit hours - tell that you feel trapped or depressed or whatever that you need to spend any minute in the office. &#xA;And remember - it's your life, you define what you are doing with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21336" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T12:45:32.220" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18271" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18277" CreationDate="2018-09-06T13:00:20.007" Score="23" ViewCount="4616" Body="&lt;p&gt;I formed a small group that comes together to discuss work on personal projects, similar to a &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.thesuccessalliance.com/what-is-a-mastermind-group/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Master Mind&lt;/a&gt; group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While the members are enthusiastic about participating in the group, they are admittedly not the most timely. There are often days when a member of the group will arrive late to the meeting, causing the scheduled start time to be delayed until their arrival. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have a rule for the group to not miss a meeting twice in a row unless it's a serious emergency. However, this has not helped motive everyone to make the meetings. There are a couple of members who would frequently provide a late notice that they are unable to make it and would either ask to meet virtually or be caught up on what they missed later on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I worry that if the group continues down this road it's going to result in a disbandment. This group has been helping myself and others to keep up with our personal projects, and I feel that abandoning the group is going to de-motivate people from actively working on their projects.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to help encourage some of the less timely members to become more timely?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Switching to virtual meetings has not always helped, as members missing the in-person would sometimes still not show-up without providing reason why.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Moving the time to a later start has also not helped. The people who do show up late to the meeting end up showing late to the later start times as well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21522" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T16:58:06.757" Title="How to Encourage a Volunteer Group to be Timely?" Tags="&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18265" CreationDate="2018-09-06T13:15:48.553" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. There are many reasons why this arrangement is to your disadvantage, and there seems to be no benefit to yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding the fact she sometimes makes you late: you mention that you are sometimes late yourself even without her. Well, almost everybody is sometimes, but would you agree that most people know how much lateness they can afford? Irrespective of whether you need to be in work by a time stipulated by your employer or because it suits your own schedule, if you can be &quot;late&quot; yourself then you probably can't afford for someone else to make you late too. It doesn't matter whether your colleague thinks you are a hypocrite for asking her not to be late, fact is that she could make &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; late when you can't afford to be. This fact alone would make many conclude it might be better for you each to be responsible for getting your own selves to work on time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding her lack of contribution: well, this is a matter of &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; etiquette, not yours. Perhaps she reasons that as there is no additional cost to you (the details you give suggest you don't go out of your way, and she meets you en route) that she isn't &lt;em&gt;costing&lt;/em&gt; you anything so there is no need to contribute. Of course, this isn't really in the spirit of carpooling. It is supposed to be a &lt;em&gt;sharing of resources&lt;/em&gt; to save money and be more environmentally friendly among other things. Most people would offer to share the costs, especially if a fair percentage of your fuel costs is less than their public transport costs. Also, I believe your two incomes are completely irrelevant to the situation. Sure, the fact she earns more than you does make her complaints about her salary and also her lack of contribution to you a little more insulting, but even if the salaries were the other way around it would only be good etiquette to offer you a contribution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering all of this, and after further discussion with you, to be honest I don't think what you have with this colleague even fits the definition of &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carpool&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;carpooling&lt;/a&gt;&quot;. There are no shared savings from the arrangement. In fact there isn't much of an arrangement either - she rides with other people or you as and when she feels like it. It seems that what you do is entirely for her benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't a site for telling you what to do. Rather we try to help address problems in an interpersonal way. Whether you choose to end the arrangement or try and fix it you would need to talk to her. In either case, we advocate honesty and you should just be straight with her to avoid any ambiguity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to end the arrangement you could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've been thinking about our car pooling, and it seems that on the whole we have different schedules. I want to be in work by 06:00 each day because this supports my preferred finishing time. &lt;strong&gt;Sorry, but that means it isn't possible for me to give you a ride anymore.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, if you feel the situation could be rescued you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've been thinking about our car pooling, and it seems that on the whole we have different schedules. I want to be in work by 06:00 each day because this supports my preferred finishing time. &lt;strong&gt;I'd be happy to continue giving you a ride if you can fit in with that preference&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And see what she says. She may choose to get a ride with the other colleague instead, which is win-win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't &lt;em&gt;owe&lt;/em&gt; it to anybody to take them into work. Your employer will see you all as individually responsible for getting to work. What you have been doing for her is a kind gesture, even if she contributed, because you do not have to do it. I believe the approach above which focuses on &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; preference to be in work on time will be better received than if you tackle her about &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; attitude or lack of contribution. Getting her to see it from your point of view may even prompt her to address the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T15:38:04.640" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T15:38:04.640" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18163" CreationDate="2018-09-06T13:23:47.123" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Physical contact is always going to cause problems, as is a confrontational &quot;You need to move to the back&quot; approach. I usually go for a friendly but firm:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me guys, the queue is back there&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and point towards the back. This draws their attention to how many people are in line, making it more obvious that you haven't just joined the queue. If they become aggressive or make a big deal of it, just let it drop - it's a place in a queue and not worth ruining your day over. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4071" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T13:23:47.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18271" CreationDate="2018-09-06T13:23:58.703" Score="2" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Create a group chat (Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, GroupMe, or just text). Some apps allow you to send out event reminders and you can sometimes @ALL people in it. Some apps are great because they will tell you who saw the message. &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This will help people be accountable for each other while creating light pressure as people contact with other members is easy and there is little excuse for unexcused/unannounced absences or delays&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remind people that you are all busy and have your own schedules.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Again, to create a small sense of urgency that other people's time is being wasted by someone being late&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Encourage people to makes suggestions that may help them be less tardy. &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe someone has to drop a kid off at practice before and just hasn't said anything. There could be a variety of excuses but sometimes people aren't vocal unless encouraged&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to reinforce the arrival time by having a 15 min arrival window. &#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This will give a solid timeframe of when to arrive while being slightly flexible&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Keep track of who is late the most and if it is a trend for certain people, pull them aside and have a 1-on-1 to ask them what the issue is and if there's anything that can be changed to help them arrive earlier.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To go on about people not being vocal, some people still aren't even when encouraged unless directly confronted. There is always a reason, even if that reason is because the person is just not timely. At least talking 1-on-1 will allow you to get an idea why people are tardy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Encourage people to carpool if possible.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This not only makes other people accountable for others, but makes them at fault for making other people late and may encourage people to be more prompt&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any incentive you can create/bring? Maybe donuts and coffee? Don't bring a ton, but enough for everyone. If people are late, there will be none left. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is tricky because being too strict may result in people feeling pressured or a hostile/authoritarian environment. However, people who are detrimental to a group, well-- are just that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastEditorUserId="21520" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T14:51:20.227" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T14:51:20.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18276" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18271" CreationDate="2018-09-06T13:56:32.750" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can always try offering a &quot;carrot&quot; to those who are consistently on time.  For example, start a scoreboard that tracks how often certain members are on time, with a $5 Starbucks gift card (or whatever is appropriate) each month to the most punctual.  If there are multiple &quot;top scorers&quot;, then turn select randomly or turn it into a contest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen this work well for things like seminars (with dozens or hundreds of participants) where the leader wants everyone back in their seats at a certain time.  After each break, those who come in on time are given raffle tickets, with one or two prizes immediately given away. Those who come late get no chance to win anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, as the old saying goes, &lt;em&gt;You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink&lt;/em&gt;.  To some extent you can't control human nature, and if some of the members aren't motivated enough to make the effort into making the group work, you might be better off cutting them loose, or finding a way to work around them.  Hopefully you would still keep a motivated &lt;em&gt;core&lt;/em&gt; group that is always on time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The challenge here is that the people who are really busy and have trouble being on-time, might also be the ones you most want in your mastermind, because they are actually making good progress on their projects.  So, as another old saying goes, &lt;em&gt;Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater&lt;/em&gt;.  It may be you want to reorganize your meetings to allow 10 or 15 minutes for &lt;em&gt;nonessential&lt;/em&gt; discussion, to allow the latecomers to participate in the &lt;em&gt;essential&lt;/em&gt; discussion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T13:56:32.750" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18277" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18271" CreationDate="2018-09-06T14:40:18.767" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;Start at precisely the agreed time and only very briefly pause the discussion to welcome late-comers. They are the ones who broke a promise, it is only right if they feel a bit awkward (and not you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once had a job teaching students photoshop. It was voluntary but we had one useful rule which was to always start at exactly the given time, especially on day one! If there was a break, we would say: Alright, we'll have a 10min break, so we will continue at 8:43. And we would be in front of the class and begin speaking at precisely 8:43.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels a bit funny, but it's a really friendly method and after the first day, everybody had understood and punctuality was not an issue anymore! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we however failed to be strictly punctual on the first day, punctuality of the students suffered considerably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21529" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T14:40:18.767" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18279" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18271" CreationDate="2018-09-06T16:00:52.840" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;By appeasing their lateness you are sending out a clear signal that being late is okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not too late now but from day one you should have enacted repercussions to the tune of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Providing an agenda&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Starting at the agreed upon time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not facilitating people's haphazard &quot;I will be late&quot; notices&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not getting late-comers caught up by wasting everyone else's time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point you should use your next meeting to announce your intention of my bullet points from above to be effective as of the following meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T16:58:06.757" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T16:58:06.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18155" CreationDate="2018-09-06T16:23:56.597" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Confront him and be very stern. Put on a serious face and make sure he knows you mean business. Reinforce this in any way you can be it by saying &quot;I'm dead serious&quot; or if he makes a joke, tell him to stop and that he &lt;strong&gt;needs&lt;/strong&gt; to pay attention. Depending on the type of autism, I know some have issues reading social cues so don't assume he assumes anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you've got his attention on a serious subject, let him know that what he is doing is wrong, or at the very least, inappropriate. Tell him what is wrong and why it is. If you want to tell him you're okay with X in private company, but it's not appropriate in public, then do that (but maybe it's better to just have him avoid it all together, your call). Take the rape joke for example. I would say, &quot;Hey dude, that's not cool. I get it may be a joke, but that's my girlfriend you're talking about. It's disrespectful, lewd, and frankly not tolerated by many people. It encourages sexist behavior and can cause emotional issues for people who have dealt with actual rape. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is receptive to the idea that maybe he is being a stinker, perhaps you can come up with a plan to stop him in his tracks. Maybe you can give him a signal or say a codeword when he starts to get out of line, which will give him the hint that he needs to reevaluate his words/actions. Also explain to him how to think about what he's about to say/do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What am I about to say/do?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Will it offend anyone in this context?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Could it offend anyone in this context?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is there ever a situation where this will be appropriate?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it works with him, maybe even have him ask himself if he would do/say X in front of his mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it become way more serious, give him a sort of ultimatium. Say that you don't want to be see with someone who is making lewd and socially unacceptable remarks like he is. It may also be helpful to get the support of a few peers to reinforce what you're confronting him about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T16:23:56.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18262" CreationDate="2018-09-06T17:54:58.020" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some broader issues to consider (described in other answers and comments), but a couple of ideas to address the specific question as asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Request to not be on speaker phone (and don't mention the girlfriend)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've heard versions of this request before. Speakers and microphones vary in quality, and it's not unusual for the speakerphone to be less than ideal. Maybe it's hard for you to hear the other person with the microphone so far away from their mouth and ambient noises in between, or maybe there is an odd echo that you find irritating or distracting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can gesture towards an issue like this and ask (or at least express a strong preference) for not being put on the speaker when you talk. Not everyone will accommodate you, and not in every situation (I know my mom dislikes when I use the speakerphone, but if I'm cooking and she wants to talk right then that's her only option).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Invite your friend to events with no option to bring another person&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you buy two tickets to a show that you think will sell out, and then invite your friend once it has sold out, there's no opportunity for him to bring her along. There are plenty of situations where it is plausible that tickets could be hard to come by or available in only limited quantities for people to buy. This won't help if he refuses to attend events without her though, and it sounds as if that is a possibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. A regular &quot;friends' night&quot; based around an activity the girlfriend does not like&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may or may not work out, but if you and your friend really like to do something that the girlfriend does not, you can try organizing get-togethers around that thing. The girlfriend may or may not tag along, but if she does sometimes she can observe for herself that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You and your friend are genuinely engaging in the activity (i.e., it's not just a cover for some nefarious purpose)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is free to come along but may not have a good time (because she's not into the activity herself).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As other people have noted, you can't &lt;em&gt;make&lt;/em&gt; your friend engage with you in private. If he consistently chooses to accommodate his girlfriend's desire to monitor these aspects of his life you'll just have to choose between interacting with both or interacting with neither.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T17:54:58.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18283" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18256" CreationDate="2018-09-06T18:24:30.147" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In the situation you describe, you can't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want your landlord to do A (stop the dog from barking), and she refuses to do A. You have options-- if you don't like where you are living, you can leave (even if that involves breaking a lease). But instead of that you have decided to stay where you are &lt;em&gt;and also&lt;/em&gt; unilaterally lower your own rent (that's the effective result of suing her for compensation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so you are using the &lt;strong&gt;threat&lt;/strong&gt; of legal action to &lt;em&gt;compel&lt;/em&gt; her to do what you want, which she has already expressed she does not want to do. You &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; threatening her (even if the thing you want is totally reasonable, and your landlord is being totally unreasonable).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming that your legal analysis is correct you will get what you want either way (lower rent or a quiet home) and she will definitely get something that she doesn't want (lower rent payments or having to deal with her dog). You're not negotiating these things with her, you're telling her how it's going to be and forcing her to comply. That sounds like a recipe for hard feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, in summary, I don't see how you can minimize the impression of a threat when the threat is exactly what you want to express in the first place (that's the prompt to get her to act). I also don't see how you can do much about hard feelings when you have decided to force her to do something she doesn't want to do (quiet the dog or accept the rent you unilaterally feel your rental is worth).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're the one in this situation, not me, so it's your call and you do what you need to do. But I think that the &quot;minimum&quot; level of hard feelings you can hope to achieve here is still going to be pretty high.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T18:24:30.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18284" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18293" CreationDate="2018-09-06T18:36:51.320" Score="2" ViewCount="6588" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: There's this girl I really like, who is apparently not interested in me, &#xA;since I've already made a move on her without any luck. &#xA;Nevertheless, I've decided not to give up and make one more effort to try and win her over.&#xA;I want to prove my worth to her/impress her and make her think it over.&#xA;How should I handle the situation this time? How should I approach her? Text her? Only in person?&#xA;Which kind of attitude would be my best chance?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here comes the long story. It's been like 4 months that I'm in to this girl. Most of the guys I talked to,&#xA;do find her to be attractive but in my eyes, she's like a goddess, extremely beautiful. I'm 99% sure she's single,&#xA;we live really close to each other but don't know each other a lot on a personal level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the beginning, I didn't even have the guts to talk to her because I thought I stand no chance with her. At some point,&#xA;I realized I had to take my shot and approach her even though it seemed kind of pointless. I started talking to her both&#xA;in person when I got the chance as well as texting her a few times and she would react really calm and cool about it (not excited though)&#xA;, smiling etc, being kind of friendly as if we knew each other for a long time. But that was smalltalk she was just trying to be nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as she realized I like her, it didn't go well (as I expected) and I already regret that the way I expressed myself was pessimistic without&#xA;any confidence at all and said some things that might have scared her away. When I asked her out, she read the message but didn't respond anything at all. &#xA;Then, I had to tell her everything through text e.g. &quot;I really like you a lot and have been thinking about you for a while, even though I have&#xA;no idea if you're even attracted to me I want to get to know you better and just had to let you know how I feel to get it out of my system.&quot;&#xA;Nothing vulgar or bad about it, but I do understand it was too much overwhelming for her and I blew it. Anyway, that happened 6 weeks ago,&#xA;I got no response to any of this, so I get what it means and tried to stop thinking about her or meet someone else, but it didn't work.&#xA;I went out with another girl but couldn't enjoy it or get my crush out of my head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, I recently changed my mind and decided not to give up and try to approach her once again. Even though I'm well prepared for &#xA;one more rejection, I feel like I have nothing to lose, so I might as well follow my instinct. Since then, I've only texted her once on her &#xA;birthday with an honest and beautiful wish for her birthday when she actually did respond typically &quot;thank you, blah blah bla&quot;. Other than that,&#xA;I bumped into her twice outside and both of the times I acted all chill as if nothing happened, I even teased her a little bit, she was laughing &#xA;and later I got away, no pressure, it was not awkward at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These days I changed my profile picture and she hit the like button, which was so&#xA;unexpected for me. Obviously, that doesn't mean she likes me, but it definitely means that she's ok with what happened, not trying to avoid me&#xA;or terrified with the way I approached her back then. I mean like, if you really despise someone or think that he's creepy and you're fully aware&#xA;that he's attracted to you, would you do something like that? Would you &quot;like&quot; his picture or act normal and smile when you see him outside?&#xA;Probably not... It doesn't make sense, I almost feel like she's playing with my brain. Like she wants me to pay attention to her again because &#xA;she is enjoying it even though she has no intention of going out with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, I have no idea what went wrong, I just assume that she doesn't like my face/style/appearence or just was afraid to be open to someone&#xA;she doesn't know well enough, or I didn't handle it right or maybe she doesn't want to get involved to any trouble because we have a lot of common acquaintances in the &#xA;neighbourhood or she has her mind on someone else, or she wanted to be single for the time being during summer or a combination of all these&#xA;assumptions. Either way, I know it's almost a lost case already and it's irrational from my side to keep going after her, but unfortunately that's&#xA;how I feel, so please do not give me any advice to stop spending my time on her, I already know that I should and tried it without succeeding. By this point,&#xA;I just want to try once again to win her over. I need a way to surprise her or impress her, do something she wouldn't expect from me,&#xA;make her have a second thought on me and maybe make her consider me as an opportunity if that's possible. I just need to improve the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a local event in a few days that I know she will attend and if I go there, most likely I will see her in person again and have the chance&#xA;to talk to her. Should I wait for this? Or text her anytime e.g. tonight? And what am I supposed to say? I want her to feeling comfortable with &#xA;whatever I do, not to put any pressure on her like last time. Thank you for reading this long text, what would you do in my position?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21531" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T21:32:32.333" Title="How should I approach my crush if she's not interested?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;rejection&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-09-06T20:06:22.953" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18285" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18292" CreationDate="2018-09-06T18:59:05.063" Score="25" ViewCount="10854" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am selling used textbooks online in a Facebook buy and sell group. Two people contacted me within a minute apart to buy the same book, which I had listed for $50 OBO (&amp;quot;or best offer&amp;quot;). I messaged back asking them both if they would pay more than my asking price of $50, since they had both messaged at the same time (I would have sold it to the person who messaged first if they had been farther apart).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One person replied back immediately, saying they would pay $60 for it, but no more than that. The exact conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;Would you be willing to pay more than $50?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: &amp;quot;I can do $60! ... But if they do any higher I'll pass.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other person hasn't replied yet. I told the person who replied immediately that if the other person didn't beat their offer soon, I would sell the book to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, now here is the meat of this question, they just asked me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;So if the other person passes, did you want $50 or $60?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I explain politely that, since they said they would pay $60, I would prefer for them to honour that pledge?&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;(It doesn't seem fair to the other person that I would take the $50 anyway.... or maybe I am just greedy ....)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21535" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T12:41:35.123" Title="How to tell someone they should honour their bid on my item?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18265" CreationDate="2018-09-06T19:29:04.393" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Train here&lt;/strong&gt;. You want to ride...  I vow that I will never leave the station early.  &lt;em&gt;That&lt;/em&gt;, I can control.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for &quot;late&quot;, you gotta understand.  Stuff happens, paperwork, responsibil-- ok look, at the end of the day, it's because &lt;strong&gt;I'm the train and that's how it is for trains&lt;/strong&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might seem unfair, that she owes you timekeeping and you don't owe it back in equal measure, but that is a reality when you are the train. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So from my perspective... if she's at the agreed place at the scheduled time, and you're not, the only possible reason is that you're late.  You didn't leave early - you &lt;em&gt;wouldn't&lt;/em&gt;.  So she can wait a few minutes and along you'll come.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, you do your fair level best to stick to timekeeping.  End of the day, if &lt;em&gt;your best&lt;/em&gt; isn't good enough for the customer, this mode of transport may not be for them.  Main thing is: &lt;strong&gt;You do the best you can do, &lt;em&gt;and don't worry about it&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you only have one passenger, lucky you, you're free to negotiate of course.  If she runs late and calls you, and you're agreeable, you can wait if you want, but you don't owe her that.  Just stick to what works for you.  In your case, your friend always has a plan-B to get home, so she's not dependent.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;One more thing, I'll tell you a secret.  Running a couple minutes late actually helps stragglers.  Even with cell phones pulling time off satellites, not everyone's phone is synchronized to the second.  Happens all the time where a straggler rolls up to the station with their watch showing 7:00 and mine says 7:01, and I'da been gone.&lt;/em&gt;   Let the schedule slide a minute or two, and a bunch of passenger complaints just go away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T19:46:03.143" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T19:46:03.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18285" CreationDate="2018-09-06T19:45:24.020" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;Obviously you want $60 rather than $50. That's going to be the case regardless of any other factors involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mistake is less the auction situation (though without time limits for responses, that may not have been ideal) and more that you are communicating irrelevant information to the two prospective customers. Neither person needs any information beyond the price to beat to get the book and the outcome of the auction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The $60 bid was intended to see that person A gets the book over person B and it doesn't seem to me that that situation has changed any (person B is essentially standing at a bid of $50). Person B's failure to respond shouldn't be viewed as anything other than a &lt;em&gt;refusal to outbid A&lt;/em&gt;. In which case A can have the book for $60 and everyone is happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's how I would say it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You outbid B and won the book for $60.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The exact phrasing is not very important (and such phrasing requests are off-topic for this stack). What is important is emphasizing the situation that established the $60 price: there was a &quot;tie&quot;, and no one would get the book, but then you entertained higher bids so that someone &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; get the book. Without the $60 bid, the tie would still exist and A would not pay anything at all (and would not get the book).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-09-08T23:22:19.327" LastActivityDate="2018-09-08T23:22:19.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18285" CreationDate="2018-09-06T19:51:08.627" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ethics are a very important interpersonal skill. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's take a look at the situation.  You have an item for sale.  2 people expressed an interest in it.  Did you list it as $50 or best offer, or did you list it as $50?  If you didn't list it as &quot;best offer&quot;, then I find myself challenged to take bids on an item that I didn't list as being available at auction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you have an offer of $60 but no other offer that would make that person offer that increased amount.  Were I in that position, I'd find that as arbitrarily raising the price after announcing its sale, with no reason to raise the price other than &quot;they're willing to pay it&quot;.  Ethically, I find that to be on shaky ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Will someone report you to the police?  Probably not.  Will your reputation suffer?  Again, probably not.  It comes down to a question of ethics.  And here I ask myself: are my ethics for sale for 10 bucks?  For me, the answer is &quot;no&quot;. The only reasonable course of action I see for myself is to honor the original terms of sale and accept the initial price, which I considered a reasonable price at the outset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, WRT the two people expressing interest at the same time:  I'd pick one.  It doesn't matter who.  The item was for sale for $50, so I'd pick a purchaser, accept their $50, and consider it a $10 lesson to include the phrase &quot;or best offer&quot; in future sales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T19:51:08.627" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18291" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-06T20:14:29.397" Score="2" ViewCount="350" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am hanging with a group of friends all around 22 - 23 years old . One of us is sometimes having some anger and sadness at mixed times. It makes the group feel weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To detail these crises: he could get upset about someone for a petty reason, and starts speaking roughly and even sometimes insulting people. It makes us feel weird, but none of us are confrontation types of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the main problem is that only a few member of the group are supporting these crises. I had a problem with that, but I let it go. Some people of the group with background went deeper in the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another time the problem was that he was in trouble with people in the group and make it known to the one who is the best of them, but was also handling personal issues at that moment. With the same problem as the guy, I was not a help in reducing his resentment, and now I think I even made it stronger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although he is very rough talking, there is no physical violence involved or mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question in the end is how should I act with this person?&#xA;Should I force myself to be a more confrontational person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21537" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-06T20:22:45.590" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T20:22:45.590" Title="How to deal with a frank speaking and overthinking guy" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-09-07T04:34:30.123" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18285" CreationDate="2018-09-06T20:38:22.187" Score="33" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;So if the other person passes, did you want $50 or $60?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;If the other person passes, it means they were not willing to go beyond $50 and you were, so you clearly need to pay the price beyond $50. That was your commitment to securing the purchase of the book. You need to pay the $60. Otherwise you're telling me that you were not really willing to go beyond $50.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person stopped replying, there's a chance they abandoned the idea of buying it (or maybe you're being too impatient and they didn't have time to reply yet?), and if that's the case then now you only have one buyer, who wants to pay the original $50. You wanting $60 can be considered being greedy, and by requesting them to pay it you might be risking losing your buyer. However, strictly speaking, they did agree to paying $60 specifically with the purpose of being the best offer, and if they go back to $50 they are no longer being the best offer (ignoring the fact that there are no other offers).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should do? It all depends on how much you want to sell the book now or not. If you're willing to hold it for some more time and sell it again later, you should enforce the $60 and run the risk of losing your remaining buyer, ending up not having any buyers now. If the $10 are not that important to you and you just want to get rid of the book, take the $50 which was the value you wanted from the beginning anyway. ;-) Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A deleted comment mentioned there was &quot;another possibility&quot;: to stop communicating with the seller (as a buyer), since the enforcement of the price at $60 was seen as unethical by them. And that comment had a good amount of upvotes, so I'd like to address that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, OP is the seller, not the buyer. Discussing the possible feelings, reactions and thought process you would have as a buyer are not the focus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, discussing the possible feelings, reactions and thought process of the buyer who made the $60 offer, even though not being the focus, can help give an insight on how to tell them that they should pay $60 instead of $50 in a polite way. Discussing the feelings and reactions of the other person who apparently already gave up on the book, on the other hand, contributes nothing to the matter at hand. You might still want to give your opinion on OP ethics and morality, but you're definitely not giving an &lt;em&gt;answer&lt;/em&gt; that can help OP, as is SE's purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third (now addressing the some other answers), OP is not asking for help on deciding the price they should sell it for (which by the way could be closed as out of scope for this SE from the little I observed around). They have already decided the course of action and the selling price. The question is on &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; to explain the decision in the most polite way. Questioning OP's ethics might be valid as a support point that you might be using to answer OP's question. But simply passing judgement without addressing the question itself is probably out of scope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fourth, OP has the right to renegotiate, change the price, lower it or increase it, or abandon the deal as they see fit, at any time. Just as much as any potential buyer has the right to renegotiate, ask for a lower or higher (!!) price, or abandon the deal and stop communicating at any time. OP is not Amazon, you know. ;-) Some people might consider the renegotiation as not nice. Some people might consider it normal. Some people might consider they're fools if they don't take the opportunity. OP is not doing anything illegal, so it's not up to us internet randos to judge them, we have to respect their choices. According to the &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/help/on-topic&quot;&gt;help&lt;/a&gt;, questions that &quot;&lt;em&gt;ask us to adjudicate 'right' and 'wrong'&lt;/em&gt;&quot; are off-topic. OP did &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; ask us to adjudicate. Yet, several answers did adjudicate &quot;right&quot; and &quot;wrong&quot;. I'd suggest we all review the help and discuss more in meta. ;) This is an awesome SE that I'd love see it going past beta. Let's contribute to rounding up the corners before we go to production though. ^_^&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20845" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-09-08T23:23:27.567" LastActivityDate="2018-09-08T23:23:27.567" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18284" CreationDate="2018-09-06T20:39:25.800" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'll start with the answer to &quot;What would you do?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would leave her alone, and I would move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm glad you typed all of that out, because I can say this for sure:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She rejected you, and pressing her to 'win her over' will only make her uncomfortable. She's made it clear that it's unwelcomed, and her silence to your advances says more than her words would. She doesn't need to give you a reason, and you even asking would be unfair for her. She probably knows you mean well and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Next time ask to hang out, get to know the person, and move up to asking out on a proper date. You don't start by telling someone you don't know that well how much you want to be with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no 'winning' someone over if they don't respond to your advances - you win them over when they are interested in you. If they aren't interested it's harassing someone. Life isn't a Disney movie or a rom-com. One text of &quot;Hey, wanna hang out sometime?&quot; could go either &quot;No&quot; or &quot;Yes&quot;, but spilling how you feel doesn't leave her with much to say if she doesn't feel the same way or even know you have those feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the social event - ask her to hang out. If she says no - don't continue to persue her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this doesn't pan out for you, here's some future advice - just ask a girl on a date without burdening them with your expectations and infatuation. You can't possible have &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; feelings for someone you don't know, but just asking them to hang out or go on a date is enough so you can get to know eachother. If they say no - move on. It isn't important why - you respect the answer and move on. Obsession is unhealthy, and you have to recognize it isn't her - but your idea of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21349" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T20:39:25.800" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18294" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18285" CreationDate="2018-09-06T20:40:11.277" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There are two ways auctions are run.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One is the classic live auction, in which people make a bid, listen to other bids, then make a new bid, and the highest bid is the price the item goes for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second is the eBay process, where everyone states the highest they are willing to go, and the item goes to the highest bidder at &lt;strong&gt;just slightly higher than the second highest bid.&lt;/strong&gt;. The ebay process is intended to simulate the live auction case but without having to literally listen to a bidding process, but also not overpaying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't specify which of those processes your auction was following.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could reasonably argue each way, but your best bet for niceness is to take $50.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also ask yourself - what would you do if the guy said &quot;I've changed my mind and I want to pay $50&quot;. You don't have another buyer. Are you going to put the item up for sale again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5800" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T20:40:11.277" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18284" CreationDate="2018-09-06T21:32:32.333" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;we live really close to each other but don't know each other a lot on&#xA;  a personal level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is difficult because you asked a school friend you don't know that well out on a date via text message. Ideally you would have talked on the phone quite a bit before this, or known her a little more personally prior to &lt;strong&gt;asking her out in person&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lets forget the semantics for a second.  You got her phone number somehow (hopefully she gave it to you in person versus you gleaning it off social media like Facebook).  Since you wrote additional texts of angst and regret you should own up to all those texts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to &lt;em&gt;apologize in person for asking her out via text and also for the subsequent texts where you angst/apologized because you put her on-the-spot&lt;/em&gt;.  For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey ______, I'm very sorry about all those texts- you know which ones.  I&#xA;  think I put you on the spot.  Anyway I'm really sorry.  If you&#xA;  want I can stop contacting you or just be friends.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you're main problem is therefor solved because you or obsessing over the non-response.  She will respond in whatever manner, you just have to accept it.  Be prepared for either a positive or negative response, but play it cool. Be nice and considerate before, during and after the apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I advise against is living life through social media and text messaging.  You should strive to talk to people in person (or on the phone) and stay off of social media because studies show these result in depression and obsessive behavior which are not positive traits.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't mean it but following her around can be interpreted as stalking, or an obsessive personality.  You should only attend events that interest you, not because your crush is attending.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are less willing to date someone who exhibits obsessive behavior.  You have to find an outlet for your energy, such as sports or hobbies. For example, I have a friend that hunts/fishes and plays guitar.  He's not a master guitarist or anything but he can play some simple chords.  People who try to learn and try out new things are generally happy people.  And people like making friends and dating happy &amp;amp; interesting folks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21528" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T21:32:32.333" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-06T21:44:02.067" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pardon one more recommendation in a slew of others — ten others, at time of writing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From reading your description of the situation, my intuition suggested this possible scenario to me — &lt;em&gt;please bear with me,&lt;/em&gt; because I will explain by way of example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I chat on IRC, there is this one person who repeatedly sends me private queries requesting that I assist them with a little project of theirs.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This assistance they desire takes a shape of them outsourcing creative effort to me for devising scenarios for a certain fictional character.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When it began, things seemed simple enough.  Over time, I learned that they were relying on me to make up for their own lack of creative exercise:  they aren't presenting me with scenarios and asking for some a critique, but asking me to devise rationales and initial conditions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is likely that this person lacks certain interpersonal aptitudes.  A form of Asperger's?  Possibly.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I therefore attempt to tailor my interactions in a way which minimizes, as much as I can know, their emotional distress or trauma, while assisting them indirectly.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Usually I simply tell them some variant of “I'm not in the mood” or “not now”, but sometimes I ignore the query when I'm not actively engaged in another discussion elsewhere on that IRC server.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, enough of that.  Now, to your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other answers have addressed how you can phrase your requests so as to be clear that whether there is a certain deadline, or whether you would like confirmation that the message was received even if the recipient has not yet formulated an answer to your request.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;These dangling messages of yours are not simply friendly chat, but are professional questions which involve other social protocol.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My recommendation is that you assess the root cause for the lapse of reply.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Other answers have mentioned various possibilities:  that the person simply hasn't gotten your message yet, hasn't read it thoroughly, or has read it but does not know that you are awaiting a confirmation that they are thinking things over.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There is another which you should consider:  how often are you, for lack of a more tactful phrase, &lt;strong&gt;pushy&lt;/strong&gt; when someone says ‘no’?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When you are inviting another person into some manner of bargain with you, and they tell you that they aren't interested, or that they are but with some unpleasant stipulations or conditionals, are you yourself impolite or difficult with compromise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are, then there is a chance that these other people are ignoring you simply because it is the easy way for them to mitigate the potential situation on their end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think that this is a possibility, then it seems to me that the best approach would be for you to address that outright.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Admit that you have been difficult or obstinate in the past.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inform them that you will endeavor to be more reasonable in the future.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer them some incentive.  This is not a trick for bargaining or an attempt to beguile them:  this is a boon, offered with no strings attached, to make up for any past wrongs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, for the formalities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Proceed with delivering your proposal.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mention any deadlines for when you require an acknowledgement of receipt, if necessary.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In the interest of being forthright, inform them why there is a deadline:  This is not a tactic; it is only necessary if you would like to proffer your venture to another person and not to the both or more of them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Mention any deadlines for when action needs to be taken.  This is when an agreement to proceed is required.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally — as other answers have put forth, — you need to consider whether the medium of “instant messages” really is the best for what you want.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;When people see an IM, they usually associate that with brevity or with informal messaging.  Of course, you can have IM serving in lieu of paging — &lt;em&gt;e.g.&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Where are you?  Come up to the conference room ASAP&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, that's probably not your relationship with these people who seem to be ignoring your messages.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="469" LastActivityDate="2018-09-06T21:44:02.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11243" CreationDate="2018-09-07T01:13:00.787" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If possible, try to make light of the situation without changing your opinion.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you might call me a &quot;Rule Nazi&quot;, but be aware &lt;em&gt;ve haf vays off makink you comply!  Brink out the vet noodles!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree that the game itself, and the exact rules, and even the winning, all matter less than the fun of playing the game. The rules are there for a reason, and it can be frustrating to try your best to win a particular game, only to find out someone has been playing a slightly different game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let everyone know that your role in the group is to enforce the rules of every game -- but as much as possible, do it with a sense of wit and humor.  Eventually I think everyone will appreciate that there is someone in the group who has memorized and is a stickler for the rules, so they don't have to worry about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T01:13:00.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-07T06:50:05.290" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've read all the other answers and I don't think they're great advice. (No offense.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is IPS but also general business. You need to keep that in mind as you approach it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In this situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be patient, accept that he won't get back to you soon, and be prepared for him to never get back to you at all on it. You can't win them all, and in life you're going to hear a lot more &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; than you hear &amp;quot;yes&amp;quot; and that's okay. It's something you must be able to accept without having it affect you negatively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In future situations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be patient, and always give a follow up time. &amp;quot;That's great, can you get me the info by Thursday?&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;I will set up a time for us to talk again next week, please send me relevant research material before then so I can review it and we can discuss it.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both situations, be very patient. Patient persistence is how business happens. And having followup deadlines show you know what people need to do, how long it will take for them to do it, and that you have the management skills necessary to keep them in line. And if someone is fussed by having time frames in which they need to get things done, you don't want to get into business with them anyway. Better to not complicate your friendship with such things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should you call? Probably not.&lt;/strong&gt; That doesn't highlight your ability to be patient, and will only lead to you being ignored when it's actually time sensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Should you text again? Probably not.&lt;/strong&gt; If it doesn't work out, that's okay. It's important to not get too attached to an idea until you see it's going to be concrete.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1633" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T06:50:05.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18300" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-07T07:25:23.917" Score="10" ViewCount="1455" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 30 years old, this is not my first job, and every time I start a new job, I promise myself to be more social and talk more with people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But what is happening is that I start disliking almost everyone and skipping daily social events (like coffee, lunch, etc) because when I'm there, I can only think to run away from the conversation. I think it's normal to speak about futile things (&lt;em&gt;it's Friday!&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;look at my new shoes!&lt;/em&gt;) especially at work, but everyday? I find it hard to imagine I'm the only one shouting inside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;how to improve my conversation skills such that I can enjoy time spent with people?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd prefer to talk about Fridays than my private life. I could stop worrying and talk about Fridays. On the other hand, if it's not rude or weird, I'd prefer doing something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21546" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T07:57:38.720" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T21:43:34.287" Title="How to handle office chitchat" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;chatting&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-15T14:54:10.447" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18300" CreationDate="2018-09-07T07:41:37.530" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short answer is: Yes you can do something else. Talk about your interests. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you describe often happens with groups that are not really close but forced to spend time together. They just run out of things to talk about and switch to trivial things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know when you are new you kinda feel like the odd one out and try to join in on other people's conversations but this causes your issue of being stuck talking about meaningless things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest to try and start a conversation about things you are excited about. That hike you are planning this weekend, the project you are working on at home, that new movie you are excited to see. Anything that is your interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The new group will most likely welcome the chance to talk about something else and learn a little bit more about you and your interests in the process. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternately if you don't want to talk about things that interest you try to talk about things that interest the other people in the group. I presume that because you don't like talking about your personal life you assume other people feel the same way too. It might be the case or it might not be. It might be a cultural thing too, but people in my country enjoy talking about their life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have any interest in other people's lives too then you can stick to global events, the weather or the day of the week.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T08:01:08.307" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T08:01:08.307" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18302" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18304" CreationDate="2018-09-07T08:17:49.583" Score="5" ViewCount="4427" Body="&lt;p&gt;The title explains the situation, but there are a couple of details that you need to know about to have a better understanding of the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She (23, hair-dresser and part-time model) and me (24, college student) have been in an on-and-off relationship for 4 years. Although we have often split up and found each other again, we never lost a strong (physical) desire for each other.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Her understanding of a relationship is to go on vacation together. I myself hate &quot;vacation&quot;. I would rather travel, but that's not possible with her because she prefers hotels and restaurants over sleeping in the woods and a meal from the supermarket.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She has hinted every day for 8 weeks that she wants to go on vacation with me, repeating the date when she wants to go at least once a day, but always in a rather friendly manner.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She is clearly overworked and states often that staying overseas with me would cure this.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My passion is entrepreneurship and I've been saving my thin student-worker wages to bridge the time of unemployment when starting a startup. This being said, going on holidays would set me back financially quite a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Although I like her very much because she has a very innocent heart, I do not think of her as my future wife. From experience (advice from successful entrepreneurs) I know that a startup rarely tolerates any relationship on the side.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling her this, however gentle and respectful, will trigger a very sad / disappointed reaction in her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The question is therefore: How do I tell her all of this while being as adult and respectful about the situation as possible (what choice of words, what situation, how to behave if she starts a massive guilt-drama)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1762" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T23:42:37.020" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T23:42:37.020" Title="How to explain to my girlfriend that I don't want to go on vacation with her, while being respectful and grown-up?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18285" CreationDate="2018-09-07T08:29:14.017" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There was no formal auction nor rules set up, but I would go by the quite typical 10% increase vs the second-highest bid (or the max bid if there is under the 10% difference between the bids). Usually rounded if you are doing cash transactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have one bid for 50$ and one for 60$. So, if you go by the above and want to make it fair for everyone, you should sell the item for 55$. You get slightly more than the base 50$ so you should be happy, and the person willing to offer more gets the item, even for less than the max they are offering, so they should be happy too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Perhaps say&lt;/strong&gt;: &quot;the other person stayed at the 50$ offer, so you are outbidding him with the 55$. You get the book for less than the max you are willing to pay, I get more than 50$ of the other offer, so I believe this is fair for both of us.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, let's assume some hypothetical bids of the other person: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the current offer for 50$ gets raised to 100$. In this case I believe you should sell for 65$ to the person offering at max 100$. Similar text to the above.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the other person gets back to you offering the same 60$, well, too bad for him, you should sell for 60$ to the first person that offered the money. He offered the same amount faster. Don't try making more rounds. This time say to the first person: &quot;The other offer was also 60$, but you are getting the book as you offered this amount first&quot;. The second offer gets: &quot;The other offer was also 60$, but came before yours, so the other person is getting the book. Sorry.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21550" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T08:29:14.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18304" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18302" CreationDate="2018-09-07T09:00:32.277" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think the problem here is the vacation. In fact, you even say that you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; like vacations, just a different kind. You appear to like &quot;travelling&quot; and sleeping in the woods; she wants hotels, beaches and exotic locations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, it sounds like you are two very different people. Just look at these quotes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;she prefers hotels and restaurants over sleeping in the woods and a meal from the supermarket&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;She [is a] hair-dresser and part-time model....  My passion is entrepreneurship&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem very different in your personalities and have very different goals, which is probably why you also say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I do not think of her as my future wife.&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if the conversation you ought to have with her should be about why you don't want to go on vacation together, or perhaps why you should break up altogether. But this isn't an advice page. I can only advocate honesty in your conversation, and tell her straight. The longer you string anything out, whether that be her expectation over the vacation or about the relationship altogether, it will hurt her. You do note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she has a very innocent heart&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you break her expectation over anything it will be bound to upset her, but the longer you leave that, the worse it will be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to talk about all the things you probably never talk about, given the nature of your relationship which you describe as almost entirely physical. &quot;Entrepreneurship&quot; is surely about hard work, but I wouldn't say it excludes any relationship. What we all need, no matter what our goals, is a partner who supports us and shares the same goals. Be careful in this respect - some people with goals like yourself may be pursued by people who think your work ethic will mean access to lots of money. You need to be in a relationship with someone who has the same &lt;em&gt;work&lt;/em&gt; ethic as you, not just the desire for the reward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask her what her goals are. Maybe you'll be surprised if you've never really discussed this properly. But if you feel that you are going in different directions, point out these differences to her and tell her how you feel about the longevity of your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T09:18:57.100" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T09:18:57.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18305" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18314" CreationDate="2018-09-07T09:12:08.890" Score="11" ViewCount="1693" Body="&lt;p&gt;At the annual summer party of our company I have introduced a friend and colleague of mine to my supervisor. My colleague is from another department at another office and we have known each other some time before beginning to work at our current firm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next day she told me that he found his behavior extremely obtrusive, with him staying in her proximity throughout the whole evening and bringing her drinks, even though she clearly stated that she did not want to drink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My superior has since then messaged her about once every two weeks, first via corporate email and then privately via facebook, although she has not accepted his friend invite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem arises from the fact that she told me several times how uncomfortable she is with the situation and I got the feeling that she is expecting me to do something about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I asked my colleague whether she has yet given him a clear rejection or sign of lacking interest she told me that up until this point she did just ignore him. I asked this question as a hint, since I figured that it is quite hard to infer a lack of interest when it is not clearly stated. While it may be obvious to her and me (for several reasons, with the main reason being that she is enganged and into wedding preparations), it may not be to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not want to approach my boss with this issue, since that may damage our professional relationship and I do not feel like it is the right way. Apart from that issue I have always experienced him as very professional person and as suitable for his position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely - without damaging our friendship - tell my coworker that she should give him a clear rejection instead of just ignoring him and handle the situation by herself this way, with me available for advice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21549" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T19:22:44.883" Title="How to deal with a boss that privately texts an (uninterested) coworker" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18300" CreationDate="2018-09-07T09:23:03.870" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suggest using a technique I call &quot;The random fact conversation&quot;. It consists of stating a weird/fun fact about any subject. In your case, you can focus on a subject you like and wouldn't mind talking about with your coworker. You can introduce your fact like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you know that...?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I recently learned that...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your coworker might then reply by asking for more details or will just start talking about something related to that fact. In any of these case, you &quot;win&quot; by talking about a subject you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, this technique falls flat and no conversation will start. You can then try to state another fact related to the first one or in a completely different topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who likes to know new things, I use this technique very often. However, I recommend to not use it when a conversation about something else is already happening because people will probably not change the subject and you changing subject will be seen as weird (if not a bit rude). But you can always wait for a pause in the conversation to state your fact. Alternatively, you can engage with someone who isn't active in the current conversation and might thus be open to talk about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T09:23:03.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18305" CreationDate="2018-09-07T10:25:10.857" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You said that she never directly ask you for help. To me, it doesn't sound like she wants advice for you. When I have a problem with someone, I tend to speak about it again and again and again. It doesn't me that I want advice from the person I am talking to. What I really want is to say what I have on my heart and hear the other person reply with something like &quot;What a jerk!&quot;. I don't want advice, I want someone to listen to me and empathize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she explicitly asks for advice, go ahead and give them to her. But in any other case, don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Unsolicited advice is not nice, people don't like them, don't do it&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is a helpful link related to that and an extract: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, that’s what I learned about giving people unsolicited advice, especially in response to them dumping their problems on me—it’s patronizing and condescending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://tinybuddha.com/blog/no-one-wants-unsolicited-advice-actually-helps/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://tinybuddha.com/blog/no-one-wants-unsolicited-advice-actually-helps/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, for now, I suggest you just keep your advice to yourself and listen to her. Be compassionate, be emotional, be here for her, listen to what she says and don't try to fix things when she doesn't ask you to. In short, &lt;strong&gt;give her emotional support&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is a very good guide to know how to give emotional support: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Give-Emotional-Support&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.wikihow.com/Give-Emotional-Support&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that you listen to your friend problems isn't enough, instead of giving her unsolicited advice, I suggest asking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can I do something to help you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, if your friend wants you to do something, she would have a chance to ask without feeling like a burden to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, avoid asking &quot;Do you want advice?&quot;. People tend to respond &quot;Yes&quot; to this kind of question just to be polite, even if they actually don't want advice. If you ask this question, you might end up giving unsolicited advice even if you didn't intend to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T16:05:46.043" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T16:05:46.043" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18305" CreationDate="2018-09-07T11:13:25.183" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a friend tell her as a friend.  “If you are bothered by his communicating with you why don’t you tell him you are not interested in a relationship with him?” &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might actually be probing you to see how you feel since he is your boss and you introduced her to him.  This puts out there that you don’t expect her to have any contact with him because he is your boss and also indicates you believe the ball is in her court to make her stance known to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After this hopefully she will make her stance clear and you can be supportive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to avoid the “unsolicited advice” completely then indicate that you feel she is asking you to step in and help and let her specify her intention.  You can’t read minds and trying to is just going to cause relationship strain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20169" LastEditorUserId="20169" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T19:22:44.883" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T19:22:44.883" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11243" CreationDate="2018-09-07T11:49:03.777" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way you describe it, there are 3 &quot;parties&quot; in this &quot;conflict&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;New guy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Everybody else&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But actually I think that the new guy making jokes about you enforcing the rules is kind of a red herring to this entire question. The reason I think this is because all he is doing is voicing an opinion - an opinion that everybody sat around the table either held themselves, or disagrees with, but didn't voice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically some people &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; care about the rules of a game, and these are generally people who find relaxation in the actual playing of a game itself. There are other people who find relaxation simply in the &lt;em&gt;social&lt;/em&gt; aspect of playing games. This second group I would imagine are less likely to care about the rules being strictly obeyed, or who wins and loses, so long as they are with other people, chatting, laughing or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is one of those occasions where I believe that the best &quot;interpersonal&quot; approach is, in the main, to be silent. At least for a while. &quot;Non-verbal&quot; communication is an interpersonal skill. Knowing when &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to speak is as important as speaking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you speak up about the rules then you are going to divide people, broadly into the two types of player I mention above - those that care about the rules, and those that aren't bothered so long as they have fun. Your entire concern seems to be over not wanting to come across badly, which is fair enough. So my answer is simply &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; be the person to raise this - wait and see if anybody else does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The likely outcomes of you just leaving this situation to resolve itself are:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Sooner or later someone else will probably say something about the game, if they care about the rules. It may even be that people are already discussing it, and perhaps more than one person will express this feeling. This could result in it being resolved, as the culprit is more likely to listen to a majority rather than one person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Some people may start to quietly leave the game if they don't feel that it is worth playing. This would be a shame, but you could then identify the people that care about the rules and maybe even set up a separate game with just them, if that is what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) If the majority of people don't really care about the rules then the situation may just continue as it is. If that is the case, you may just have to come to accept that maybe you were the only one who saw it as a competitive game while everybody else just saw it as a bit of fun. Maybe you could try and view it the same way and just enjoy some association and banter?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a separate issue, I think there may be a conflict of personalities between you and the &quot;new guy&quot;. For someone so new to make an issue over your concern over the rules of a game does suggest they might have a problem. Again I would just let that slide, and be the bigger person. People like that tend to make a fool of themselves sooner or later, but if you argue back you just give them fuel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the start of this answer I said you might believe it is you, him, and everybody else - but it sounds like before the new guy came along you were just one group. It wasn't you Vs everybody else! People that cause divisions often don't just split people two ways, they divide into three, because while they try to make someone else out to be a problem, they also try to make themselves a victim of sorts. Staying quiet and not retaliating prevents them from doing that to you, and they only succeed in alienating themselves from the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T11:57:43.160" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T11:57:43.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18265" CreationDate="2018-09-07T11:51:13.437" Score="4" Body="&lt;h2&gt;If you want your colleague to be on time&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, &lt;strong&gt;try to always be on time yourself&lt;/strong&gt;. It's much easier to demand other people to be on time if you set an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, stop calling it &quot;carpooling&quot;. What you do is not really a case of car sharing, instead &lt;strong&gt;you give her a ride&lt;/strong&gt;. Use this exact wording, e.g. &quot;sorry I can't give you a ride tomorrow&quot; or &quot;I can give you a ride at 6:30&quot;. That should serve as a reminder that your colleague is the one to benefit from the arrangement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, &lt;strong&gt;announce the hours which suit you&lt;/strong&gt; often and make her agree: &quot;I'm driving to work at 6:30 and plan to drive back at 5:00, is that OK?&quot;. If she says &quot;no&quot; you simply tell her she'll have to use the subway. If she agrees, that gives you a fresh argument against her being late in the morning or wanting to stay late in the evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Alternatively&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider asking her to contribute to the rides. If you split gas expenses 50/50, perhaps it wouldn't be so much of a problem for you to occasionally wait for her 5-7 minutes in the morning when she's late, and stay 15 extra minutes in the evening when she has something urgent to finish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T11:51:13.437" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18305" CreationDate="2018-09-07T12:31:51.690" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unwanted advances from either gender, but particularly from men, are under real scrutiny right now. Maybe that is even partly the reason behind your concern. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But lets not blow it out of proportion. The facts are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You haven't done anything wrong by introducing them. It was completely innocent and incidental. You weren't setting them up.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He hasn't done anything &quot;wrong&quot; either. He's just bought her drinks and texted her. Sure, his social skills might be lacking if he hasn't &quot;got the message&quot; from her ignoring him, but that isn't a crime.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your friend cannot reasonably blame you for it. In fact, your getting involved might be making it worse! The more you say, the more it may seem to &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; that you and your boss are speaking about the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are nothing to do with your supervisors messages to your friend; nor are you responsible for getting her message to him. You can avoid the potential conflict you are concerned about by staying out of the matter as much as is possible. Really, your friend should handle the matter herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advice you have already suggested is exactly what I would tell her to do - to send him a definite message and say that she is not interested, and that she is engaged. If he still persisted I would suggest the same message again but add that she finds his persistent messages inappropriate. In a workplace, that really ought to silence anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really believe she is expecting you to help resolve it, before you do anything, ask her if that is the case. You could still tell her that you do not wish to get involved. If you feel guilty about the matter, tell her that this was not your intention when you casually introduced them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; feel you should help her out then make it clear you will pass on &lt;em&gt;one&lt;/em&gt; message to your supervisor and not get involved beyond that. I would suggest something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know the girl I introduced you to the other night - you do know she's engaged, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And leave it at that. If you suggest that you &quot;know something&quot; then he could get defensive, and that is the relationship-ruining material that you're trying to avoid. Just state that fact, and leave it with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T12:40:06.413" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T12:40:06.413" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18305" CreationDate="2018-09-07T12:33:33.100" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As the introducer, unfortunately some of the blame tends to fall back on you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would recommend is, to casually inform your supervisor that she is taken without getting involved directly. That could be an elegant way not to get directly involved in this, but nonetheless improving things for both. Most sane people will stop going after a person that is engaged and into wedding preparations. Also, rejection is much easier to swallow if the other one is simply already taken, then when she is rejection oneself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when you are on a small talk situation with your superior, you can just casually mention how stressed your colleague is at the moment, because of all the wedding preparations. That should not only tell him to back off, but also give him a reason why she ignored him previously. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T12:33:33.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18305" CreationDate="2018-09-07T13:21:33.380" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of parties here that, for good or ill, are involved despite things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, there is you.  You introduced them.  By definition, that makes you involved, even though you don't want to be.  (Edit in response to swbarnes2)  Your friend may even be reluctant to put a stop to this, thinking that it may cause you some professional hardship since it is your boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, and more importantly, is the company.  They met at a work function, and he used corporate e-mail to communicate with her.  Even if that's not happening now, it did.  And that drags the company into it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you tell your coworker to give him a clear rejection?  That's a phrasing request, which is out of scope here.  However, in that rejection, she should include a couple of things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clearly state that she is uncomfortable with his attentions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His attentions are undesired&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She wishes them to stop, and do so immediately&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's something that people should do more clearly anyways, and should respect when done.  But that's an op-ed piece, not an IPS.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, for the non-IPS piece.  If he does not respect those wishes, she can go to the HR department.  This could be understood as sexual harassment, especially if she has a paper trail, and that gives HR departments the willies.  If she has the corporate e-mail he used to communicate with her, that makes it the company's problem and if they're smart, they'll deal with it and do so fast. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T18:15:32.577" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T18:15:32.577" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18317" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18262" CreationDate="2018-09-07T13:43:57.487" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you can do, and what i've seen working almost every time:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell his Girlfriend you would like to talk to your friend in private.&#xA;There is a high chance, she does not see herself as abusive, maybe a bit overprotecting, but in a good way ( probably based on bad experience ).&#xA;Your point is to not appear as threat to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is crucial to not blame her or even mention her being always involved&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His relationship is not going to end well, you already guess that and he will probably realize that he does not want to live like this forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21557" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T13:43:57.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18285" CreationDate="2018-09-07T15:23:21.220" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll name the 2 people for brevity:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Person A: the one who offered $60&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Person B: the one who offered $50 and you didn't hear from again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does Person A know what Person B's counter offer was - for any amount, including whether they made a counter offer &lt;i&gt;at all&lt;/i&gt;? &lt;b&gt;No&lt;/b&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person A has said they're willing to buy the book for $60 &lt;b&gt;under a condition they couldn't possibly verify&lt;/b&gt; (knowing what Person B's best offer is). If being able to verify counter offers is important, Person A should be using a platform that supports it, and not sending emails offering arbitrary additional sums of money. This is frankly a risk they are taking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are no &quot;feelings&quot; in business transactions**. Person A has ultimately offered you $60 and you simply tell them you'll accept it. Person A has already said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But if they do any higher I'll pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their only assumption could be that Person B made a higher offer if you tell them you'll accept $60. What else could they think has happened?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;** Some people are talking about ethics. You're selling a book, and it comes down to a $10 difference. It's not a house! This sort of thing takes place everyday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21560" LastEditorUserId="21560" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T15:58:19.597" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T15:58:19.597" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18323" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-07T15:30:24.630" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a personal ranking of interaction and with each step down I assume that the answer my be delayed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;face to face &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;videocall&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;phone call&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;IM&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;mail&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;snail mail&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This helps to set &lt;strong&gt;expectations for the other party&lt;/strong&gt; (when they get an email it means that it is less urgent compared to them coming in to see me in person).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a golden rule, there are lots of possible variations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if I received an IM from you, I would put it somewhere in the middle of &lt;strong&gt;my own classification&lt;/strong&gt;. Since there is no Official Message Reply Time Standard, everyone builds its own and none is better than the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;ignore&quot; list is a bit different (but the conslusions are teh same). I am less likely to ignore&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;face to face&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;snail mail&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;email&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;IM&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;phone call&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phone call is at the very end because I do not like it too much when people expect interactivity with a problem which I did not have time to think about, and usually the &quot;over the phone&quot; version is more chaotic. On the other hand misunderstandings are cleared right away so, again, it depends on the cases (and people).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T15:30:24.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18324" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18326" CreationDate="2018-09-07T19:01:50.730" Score="0" ViewCount="409" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 60 year old male working in a school. I mentored a young female teacher for a year and we became very Close although friendship was only ever the agenda as I am happily married. My brother recently died unexpectedly leaving me the sole survivor of my birth family and bordering on depression I found the only person I wanted to be with was my friend who had offered support. I then became possessive and on one occasion wrote a stupid letter professing all sorts love and longing etc. There was never any sexual element to this but it caused my friend to react with horror, cut me off from her phone etc and in effect blank me except when we have to speak about something at work. I am mortified by my behaviour but apologies are met with “I don’t want to talk about” and walking away. I have taken counselling and dealt with my grief issues. Now I would like to rectify the friendship. I am not looking for anything else but at moment I cannot begin to know to repair the damage or even if it is possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21563" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T22:41:27.343" Title="How can I repair a damaged friendship?" Tags="&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-09-08T01:52:53.083" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18324" CreationDate="2018-09-07T20:05:40.310" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe this answer could be considered a &quot;frame challenge&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should speak to your counselor about whether or not it would be a good idea for you to recreate your friendship, &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; you think about how to rectify the friendship.  A counselor should be able to help you understand your own motives and give you guidance as to what is appropriate.  If you aren't comfortable speaking to your counselor, that in itself is a sign that you shouldn't be contacting your friend.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point you need to clarify whether you are truly pursuing friendship, or you are trying to start a romance.  If your friend was really upset with what you wrote to her and doesn't want to see you, why are you pursuing contact?  A counselor can help you understand for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course one other issue to address with your counselor is your relationship with your wife.  That on its own might preclude trying to renew your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-09-07T22:41:27.343" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T22:41:27.343" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18326" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18324" CreationDate="2018-09-07T21:57:39.897" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Rectifying friendships that you have broken is very hard work.  I've had friendships I've wrecked and repaired, and friendships I've wrecked permanently.  Whether this can be saved is really up to her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing is to give your friend time to heal.  You crossed a very thick border, and now that's how she sees you.  Any attempt to repair the damage while she sees you that way will only enforce that belief.  How much time?  I can't say.  some people are more forgiving than others.  The important thing here is to give her the space she obviously wants and needs, and allow her to indicate to you when she is ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second thing is to recognize how you fouled up.  There's no need to prostrate yourself in front of her or do something silly.  Engage, however, in a REAL apology.  For those who aren't sure what that is, it is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge what you did&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Take responsibility for your actions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge the damage you did&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;State what has changed so it won't happen again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Shut up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never, ever, try to apologize for someone else or to lay the blame on something or someone else.  Apologize for YOU and what YOU did.  I've found that this is well-received and generally accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do that, wait a few seconds for a response.  Maybe she won't forgive you.  Maybe she will.  You can't make her do either, so it's just a waiting game.  On some occasions, I've said something to the extent of &quot;That's what I had to say.  Thank you for your time and listening; I'm going to leave now before I do something else stupid.&quot;  Then leave, and don't bother her for a while.  You can still interact at work, but stay professional and keep your distance.  It will be hard, but she needs the space and to no longer see you as a person with something else in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then never speak of this ever again.  Never write her a letter.  Never repeat any of the steps that caused this to happen. Take your lumps, learn from it, and don't do this again.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-09-07T21:57:39.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6298" CreationDate="2018-09-08T08:16:59.273" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My problem with your question is that you shouldn't need to make excuses for how YOU choose to use your phone, or handle emails, respond to SMS, or whatever.   I also simply wouldn't bother mentioning the cost aspect - because that invites people to accuse you of being cheap, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply say that you do not monitor your phone continually, so you don't always answer calls or read messages immediately.   People don't need to know why, they just need to know what to expect from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That may seem a bit blunt, but people don't have any right to demand your immediate attention.   Any more than you have a right to demand theirs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having set the scene like that, make sure you follow up appropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't think a reply to a message is needed, then don't reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a reply is needed (such as &quot;We need to change the meeting time.  Is 2 or 3 pm better for you?&quot;) then reply with your preference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if someone sends you a message &quot;The meeting has changed to 2pm Thursday&quot;, and you can make the new time, then all you need to do is appear at the meeting on time.    If appropriate, thank the person who sent you the message in person - not by SMS.     If you can't make the new time then reply with an apology - but only if other people &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; need to know you won't make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone gratuitously asks you to acknowledge a message, such as &quot;The meeting has changed to 5pm Thursday, please acknowledge&quot;, then simply ignore the last two words, and respond the same way - show up at the new time, and only reply if you judge it necessary, and thank them in person for the message.    If someone complains to you about not replying by SMS, reiterate the explanation that you only read messages occasionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6387" LastActivityDate="2018-09-08T08:16:59.273" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18331" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12604" CreationDate="2018-09-08T19:55:51.273" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So many people wrote that it is awkward/difficult/tiring etc to speak English with people of yur own mother language. I strongly disagree. I believe that if you have the intention to be inclusive you don't care about those difficulties or they are simply no there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have worked together in a team with 5 people of my own language and with one person who did not speak this language. So when this person was around everyone automatically switched into English and I can tell you that it did not feel awkward at all. This was also the case when we met socially. &lt;strong&gt;It was natural, we did not even notice that we spoke English.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on this experience I find it rude if people speak their own language in situations you mentioned. If they would inform me that speaking in English is difficult for them or if they would just talk with me about it, this would be no problem at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So coming back to your question: If your roommates don't have the mindset of inclusiveness they will likely not change their behaviour.&#xA;In our international world we all should adopt the mindset to switch to a language that all persons present can understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21581" LastActivityDate="2018-09-08T19:55:51.273" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18333" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18335" CreationDate="2018-09-09T00:55:57.010" Score="8" ViewCount="351" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been trying to meet this professor to talk about whether or not he would like to help me further develop this software that I've released.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've exchanged emails three times. The last one was from him, about a week ago, telling me that he was busy this past week but might be available this coming week. He ended this email by saying &quot;I will be in touch.&quot; I'm not sure if I should take this to mean that he intends on contacting me about his availability, or that he will respond promptly to any email I send him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the one hand, I could've slipped from his mind this past week because he is so busy, and I should contact him to remind him of my great interest in his mentor-ship. On the other hand, I don't want to be pushy; he does already have a lot to deal with, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21586" LastActivityDate="2018-09-09T07:59:42.187" Title="Is responding to an email ending with &quot;I'll be in touch&quot; considered pushy?" Tags="&lt;school&gt;&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18334" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18285" CreationDate="2018-09-09T03:23:56.863" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you can call them honor-bound to pay $60.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you did was basically an auction, trying to find the highest bidder.  The question is whether it is an honor bound bid to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: &quot;Would you be willing to pay more than $50?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: &quot;&lt;strong&gt;I can do $60!&lt;/strong&gt; ... But if they do any higher I'll pass.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I do not consider this to be a &lt;em&gt;bid&lt;/em&gt; in the sense of being bound to pay $60.  As other answers have pointed out, the rules of the auction have not been specified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What really happened was that you got them to reveal their bidding strategy, so that you could proxy bid for them.  That way you and the other person could negotiate, knowing what this person was going to do if they were in person and bidding live.  They told you a maximum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I'm not one to say economic trades are honorable, but if I were, I'd say you might be the one that is honor bound to accept $50, and not leverage the extra information you got about their bidding strategy (which they gave to you).  There was no contract, of course, so you don't &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to treat it this way, but I find this view of how the conversations played out to be more reasonable, regardless of greed.  &lt;strong&gt;They trusted you with their max price, rather than keeping it secret.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you might play a game and say the winning bid was $51, which would be an accurate model of an auction in which you were proxy-bidding.  The other person bid $50, and you proxy bid $51 for this buyer, and &quot;won&quot; the auction. If I was playing that game in my head, I'd want to choose a reasonable increment, like $1.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-09-09T03:23:56.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18333" CreationDate="2018-09-09T07:59:42.187" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a native British English speaker, I have always taken&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I will be in touch&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To mean&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I am aware of your communication, I will deal with it in due course [please don't chase me any further]&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So on that basis, yes I would say if you reply again on the same topic within a short time period, he is likely not to appreciate it. The difficulty comes in deciding how long to wait before a lack of response warrants further contact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His reply stated he &quot;might be available this coming week&quot;, but the use of &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; tends to suggest he may or may not contact you that week. It's personal preference, but in your position I would wait at least one extra week before initiating contact again, unless there is some external factor creating time pressure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-09-09T07:59:42.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18337" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18285" CreationDate="2018-09-09T09:31:06.920" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This was not a public auction (in the sense that all participants can see the bids made by others in real time), where the bids rise step by step over possibly multiple rounds until some bidder is the last one to state a number, which then is the price at which the item is sold.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, the reply seems to make it clear that the bidder stated his complete strategy including when to stop bidding (perhaps because they already noticed that a full auction process could require a lot more messages being exchanged); which means that the 60$ are not a bid per se in the form they might have made &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; the auction mode were in the form described in the first paragraph.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the nature of the communication, I would treat this auction as most resembling the following mode: Everyone submits a &lt;em&gt;single&lt;/em&gt; bid &lt;em&gt;secretly&lt;/em&gt;. In such a scenario, it is natural so sell the item to the person with the highest bid, but at the price determined by the second-highest bid. This makes sense, for if we do as if there was an auction as described in the first paragraph and the participants would repeatedly raise in steps of 1$, the highest bidder would at some time be the one to call either the second-highest bid or the second-highest bid plus 1$ - and thereby be the last bidder. If we imagine steps of 10 cents or of 1 cent or in fact of infinitesimal amounts, we finally end up with the rule as stated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in conclusion, I suggest that you ought to sell the item to the 60$-person for 50$. Or if you are uncomfortable with it, add a symbolic dollar to make it 51$ and say that they won because 50$ was the other person's last word. This should make everybody happy and no-one has reason to feel bamboozled (not even you, as you were more than willing to sell at 50$ or even less &quot;OBO&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3519" LastActivityDate="2018-09-09T09:31:06.920" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18265" CreationDate="2018-09-09T17:14:36.827" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your arrangement is operating on the basis of &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://whistlinginthewind.org/2013/01/15/predictably-irrational-chapter-4-the-cost-of-social-norms/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;social norms&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, and it isn't working out because she's not taking care to be socially acceptable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you change your arrangement to operate on &lt;strong&gt;market norms&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I noted above, even your $70/month for gas doesn't reflect the true costs of owning a car:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;gas&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;maintenance&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;insurance&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;wear-and-tear (eventually requiring the purchase of a replacement car)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A better reflection would be a standard mileage rate, such as the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.irs.gov/newsroom/standard-mileage-rates-for-2018-up-from-rates-for-2017&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;IRS mileage reimbursement rate of &lt;strong&gt;54.5c/mile&lt;/strong&gt; for 2018&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to guess that your commute is about 12 miles one way.  At 54.5 cents per mile, that's $6.54 per one-way trip.  On that basis, commuting by car is costing you about $283/month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you know the cost of her ride: &lt;strong&gt;$3.27 per one-way trip.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now that you know that, you can decide how you want her to pay.  One option is for her to pay when she rides with you, but not when she doesn't because she's late.  That way she can be less upset about being late, because she's saving $3.27 each time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to allow her to continue not paying, but impose a penalty whenever she's late.  How much would be enough to leave you happy to be getting the extra cash rather than upset about the lateness?  Perhaps $2 per 5 minutes of lateness, for example.  Her 15 minutes of extra &quot;credit time&quot; would net you $6 in exchange for waiting for her, and she can decide if it's worth $6 to her to get credit time and make you late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it's a bad idea to replace social norms with market norms, because it allows people to shamelessly pay to continue to engage in bad behavior.  But in this case she doesn't seem to have any shame (in fact, &lt;strong&gt;she's&lt;/strong&gt; trying to shame &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;!), so you have nothing to lose here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6594" LastActivityDate="2018-09-09T17:14:36.827" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18339" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-09T20:31:31.840" Score="3" ViewCount="469" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a friend whom I met online, who seemed to disappear from the internet almost a year ago. I do not know anyone else who also knew her. She is a person I had known for some years, who I met up with in person to catch up on things once in a while, and chatted online with from time to time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some months ago I noticed that she had stopped replying to my messages, which was unusual and unexpected. I then noticed that I could not find an active online presence from her anywhere, and when I tried to call, noticed that her phone number was delisted. I was afraid that she may have died, but could not find an obituary anywhere, and I hoped that this suggested she may well be alive, since online advice suggested an obituary would be available if not, and because for others I have known who have died their obituaries are easy to find. I sent her an email simply asking to notify if she was still alive, but sadly got no reply. She had previously been placed in a mental hospital for some months, and I thought perhaps she was there again or otherwise away from an ability to reply to my messages. But I also knew that despite being a young woman in her early thirties, the month or so before she apparently disappeared she had been recovering from some health problems which had constrained her to a hospital for some time, and I was afraid that they might have worsened again to the point of claiming her life. At one point I even drove to her house and knocked on the door, but the stranger who was then living there said she had no knowledge of the previous owner as the house had been vacant a few months before when she bought the place and moved in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I've found that my friend has indeed died, as she is listed as deceased in an obscure &quot;notice to creditors&quot; document I managed to find. She died 10 months ago which was when I noticed her replies had ceased. The last time I saw her was a couple months prior, when she was attempting to recover from the health problems after the hospital stay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person had a positive impact on my life, and I am sad that she is suddenly gone from the earth and from my life. I am looking to find some closure, and feel that I need more information for that. I think what I would most like to know is however she died, whether there was a time of opportunity I missed where I could have helped her through it, by at least letting her know that she is cared about. I hope this information is not too personal for me to inquire about, as I do not want the circumstances of her death to be left to my imagination.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned I am not familiar with anyone from her social circle. I am considering writing an email to one of her family members to explain that I knew her and to ask about any information they would want to share, but also want to be respectful of their privacy. She had briefly introduced me to her brother a long time ago, but I have not been given his contact information, and think I would feel more comfortable contacting her father, whom it was that listed the notice to creditors publication. I knew that she had a positive relationship with her father, and he has to some degree invited contact on the topic by placing his information on that publication. Though, his intent in publishing that was of course different than the purpose of my response to it would be. But also, I think that in general a parent is in more of a position to field contact from his child's social affiliations and may be more inviting to my contact for that reason. I think if I were in his position, I would at least not mind receiving respectful contact from a person who cared about my deceased family member enough to ask about it, and might even be happy to hear from such a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that I would be able to write a letter in email to her father, but want to be careful to do so as respectfully as possible. An outline of what I have in mind would be to: state that I knew her and express my condolences; explain that my reason for contacting is that I am a friend who is not connected to others in her social circle and thus did not have confirmation of her death until noticing the creditors document; ask whether an obituary was published or some way that that I can come to understand the circumstances of her death or anything about her the family feels comfortable sharing; and to express gratitude in advance for any such information he would feel comfortable replying with or linking to, and that it is okay if they don't want to share or reply at all to me since they don't know me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a personal note, I feel an urge to know more than just the circumstances of her death, I'm not sure exactly what -- perhaps this is just a normal feeling of miss that comes from losing a person. I don't know whether it is normal to sometimes not write an obituary upon a person's death, so that the public can at least hear a bit about them and that they have died. It has been anxious to be in limbo not knowing what happened to her, but I cannot blame anyone for not publishing an obituary that I've been able to find; I realize that the loss of a person can sometimes be paralyzing to dealing with that kind of thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How much of what I've mentioned in this post should I share as I write the letter? I welcome any advice to help me be as respectful and effective as possible in this situation as I try to understand and come to terms with this loss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21595" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T05:35:58.260" Title="I noticed an old friend of mine has died. Should I contact her father (whom I've never met) to ask about her death?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-09-10T07:44:52.257" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18340" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18339" CreationDate="2018-09-10T05:35:58.260" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In death, especially if circumstances had been less than ideal immediately prior, parents tend to welcome news of positive influence their daughter had on others. Their child has passed on, leaving them with just memories. You’re looking for closure, but it can be healing for them to hear the good legacy their daughter has left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your email, consider talking about some of the interactions you had and in what way she was a positive influence on you, then ask if you could visit. You can sit with them, reminiscing about their daughter and your friend. I feel that asking for an obituary in an email would seem insensitive. Much of what you’re seeking will likely come up more naturally in conversation when you visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone deals with grief in their own way, and it might be the case that your friend’s father doesn’t want to talk about things. In that case, just ask where you can go to pay her your last respects. This would also be a form of closure for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T05:35:58.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18203" CreationDate="2018-09-10T10:00:32.490" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers are already all great, but you mentioned something I want to refer to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, the question I asked was very straightforward (what is the&#xA;  name of the website?) and this same individual has done things like&#xA;  this before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that there is a specific person which, from your perspective, ignores your attempts more frequently. I have been in the same position with a friend of mine who did not respond for multiple days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What really helped was sitting down with the friend and having a non-confrontational conversation on how that feels for me. It went something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt; I really value you as one of my friends and hold you dear to&#xA;  my heart. I love chatting with you to keep in touch. I noticed, that&#xA;  sometimes you do not answers my messages for very long times and that&#xA;  makes me feel sad and ignored. I realize, that this is just a&#xA;  situational conotation that I myself implied from your non-response&#xA;  and I am sorry for doing that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then gave my friend some space to reply to that. Afterwards I proposed that a short reply like &quot;Nice, will look into it later&quot; or &quot;Ok, busy right now&quot; is a way more satisfying response for me, because I know the friend has seen it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really improved our friendship. But I do not recommend doing that with everyone who does not respond immediately to every IM. This was a case of not replying for days/weeks. If something is urgent, call. This thing is calles smartPHONE for a reason ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21600" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T10:00:32.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18300" CreationDate="2018-09-10T10:22:31.343" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are some contradictions in your question : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;First you say you wish to be more social at work, but then you end your question by saying you'd prefer to do something else (as long as it's not rude).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talking about mundane stuff makes you scream inside, but you prefer to talk about this than your private life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if I were you, I'd first take some time answering some questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why do you want to be more social at work ?&lt;/strong&gt; Because it's &quot;what people do&quot; ? Is it in your culture rude not to socialize with colleagues ? Because you want to grow as a person and connecting with other people is meaningful to you, even if it's not easy ? Ask yourself if this is something you actually want to do for you. If not, as long as you're polite to your colleagues, you're not obligated to socialize with them (barring cultural standards). Some people love having work friends, others prefer to keep their work life and social life very separate. This is okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If socializing with colleagues is something you want to do, &lt;strong&gt;what would you ideally like to talk about ?&lt;/strong&gt; Between the weather and private matters, there's a whole array of subjects that are acceptable to talk about in a work environment and which most people don't find intrusive : movies, holidays, work issues, gardening, an instrument you play, a restaurant you've tried, new changes or issues in the industry you're working in,... Spend some time thinking about subjects you at least wouldn't mind talking about to your co-workers. If those still feel too personal, it's up to you to decide what is more important : socializing at work at the expense of talking about scream-inducing stuff, have conversations which are more pleasant but require sharing private stuff at work, or not socialize at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also say you very soon start to dislike your colleagues, but by spending a bit more time with them and talking about subjects which don't bore you to death, you might start to appreciate some of them. You also mentioned group activities you now avoid. Maybe getting to know people in a group is harder for you. Instead of trying to be friendly with everyone, try to first only talk with one or two people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21195" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T10:22:31.343" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18300" CreationDate="2018-09-10T11:20:27.510" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been there before and what helped me was: asking questions and showing interest in people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An easy way is to ask about their weekend plans or how their projects at work are going, and to ask follow up questions on what they say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you get to know people better you will have more topics of conversation that aren't just mind-numbing small talk. You said you would rather not talk about your private life, but there's no reason to avoid talking about your hobbies in order to find some common ground with people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21602" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T11:20:27.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18345" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-10T11:29:08.363" Score="8" ViewCount="2825" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a friend for almost three years now, we are both 24 y.o, we have always been so close and, even if we live far away from each other (+9000km), we have spoken every single day since we parted ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been to his country (in South America) to visit him in 2017, and he has recently come to mine to visit me (Europe). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the beginning we have liked each other, but distance and me being in a relation ship - with a guy I really love - made it impossible to have a romantic relationship. However, it's true that when we saw each other, we were behaving more like a couple than just friends: cuddling, spooning, holding hands… &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went to visit him in 2017, and after a month, he met a girl with whom he started a friends with benefits relationship and eventually ended up being her boyfriend. At that time, my friend and I were planning a trip of one month together, and his girlfriend got jealous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During that time, she was getting jealous every time I was sending messages to my friend to the point that he had to show her the messages we were sending each other in Instagram, and he would stop talking to me if she was around, which seemed unfair to me, and I told it to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the trip I asked my friend about his feelings towards me and his girlfriend, and he told me he likes me more and he enjoys talking with me more. He also said he didn't want to be in an exclusive relationship with his actual girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, after the trip, he talked with the girl and told her that he had cheated on her several times and that he didn't see her as girlfriend, so they stayed as friends, which is cool if they feel like being friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem came when now, after the trip and the break up, they met again (as friends), and he went to sleep at her house, and he stopped answering my messages. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would be ok if he does so because he really wants to. I mean, I don't want him to feel forced to answer me, and I would be perfectly fine with it if it were his own choice. I have asked him before if he doesn't reply to me because he doesn't want or just to not make the girl feel jealous, and he always said the second scenario. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where I mainly see the problem. Because somehow he's being manipulated, not directly though, to stop talking to me or not talking that much, while he has the will to do it. And I believe him when he says so, because as soon as he leaves the girl's house he replies to all my messages saying &quot;Sorry, I was with the girl etc&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I want&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I want to achieve is to make him realize that his relationship with this girl is affecting our relationship. And that theirs is not a healthy relationship as she has checked messages I have sent my friend and he's stopped doing things we both like (talking to each other) just to avoid his ex being jealous again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am searching for advice as I want to say it in a way that I don't sound jealous of them being together again (as friends or whatever), as I am really not.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want him to open his eyes and realize that it's not a healthy relationship. I am aware that talking about such a sensitive topic might make him feel like I am jealous and that I'm trying to get him to avoid interacting with her. As I said, we like each other, and I would like to handle the problem without making him feel this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I've tried so far&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before the trip, when he started doing the same, I talked with him very seriously and I told him that this kind of behavior annoyed me, because he was not talking to me just because she was feeling jealous/bad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I told him about it, I also talked about his relationship with her and he realised he needed to tell her that he was not seeing her as a girlfriend and so on, he waited to come back from the trip and he said it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He also stopped doing like that and he was talking to me while going to the toilet or so if he was in the girl's house or the girl was around him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, I am surprised he did it again as I already explained him how I was feeling about it before (in July) and he seemed to understand it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I approach him with the topic again so he can understand my feelings and that he is not in a healthy relationship? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional information&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want a relationship with my friend as I am more than good with my actual boyfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17145" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T06:12:38.787" LastActivityDate="2019-03-17T18:16:01.137" Title="How to explain to a friend I don't like them stopping talking to me due to a jealous friend/sexual partner?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18346" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18300" CreationDate="2018-09-10T12:10:54.190" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am slightly confused though. You don't hate small talk but you hate what people talk about in general so you avoid social functions? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you wanna talk about whatever, then keep talking&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone says something about topic A, talk about topic A. Say your related experiences, comments, opinions, ask about their involvement, etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworker: &quot;&lt;em&gt;I'm thinking about Mexican for dinner tonight.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What restaurant? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ever been to _____?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My aunt makes great Mexican dishes.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What's your favorite dish?   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I love authentic Mexican but still go nuts over Taco Bell.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the very least, you can use this conversation to learn about your coworkers. What they are up to, what they like/dislike, their friends and families, their quirks, background, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you don't want stupid, boring, small-talk, spice it up yourself&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bring up specific topics, especially something you know others will talk about&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It can be simple like TV shows or movies&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It can be complex and in-depth like philosophy, politics, or social issues&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that small talk is mundane talk. Don't expect anything great to come of most small talk because you'll probably get canned responses.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Q: &lt;em&gt;How was your weekend?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A: &lt;em&gt;Good&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's the end of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very rarely will it be anything meaningful, at least in my experience.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;Oh it was wonderful. I my boyfriend took me to this resort. It was down south by Nowheresville. There were a bunch of little shops and I really wanted this painting I saw...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is what you want, I'd encourage you to start. No guarantee but people will be more willing to converse more if you do. Don't give canned responses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you want interesting conversation, control the dialogue&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do what engages you. Conversation isn't something you have to do at gunpoint under the demands of other people. Say what you want to say. Talk about your interests or activities. Avoid things you know won't elicit a response as the conversation will die rapidly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just remember, this is normal&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not every conversation will be fun. Sometimes, you just have to bear it until it's done. My coworkers do the same stuff just about every day. It's always, &quot;What's for lunch?&quot; &quot;How was your evening?&quot; &quot;How's your weekend?&quot; &quot;How's your work going?&quot; To which the answer is pretty much alway the same. One guy talks about his LARPing (Live-Action Roleplay) which frankly, I don't care about. I think there are a lot of interesting aspects to it but half the time, I don't wanna hear it or am busy. Nevertheless, I listen, interact, and respond. If I really can't bother with it, I'll become more focused on my work or dismissive or leave to go to the bathroom. Sometimes, people talk about their kids and how great they are. I don't care. I don't have kids right now and anyways, they're not my kids. One person talks about her personal drama every day and it's the same crap all the time. &quot;Mmmhm. Mmmhm.&quot; I say. She finishes, we move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about it really. If you wanna go to lunch with people, just go. If they talk, nod your head and agree. If you really have contempt for menial garbage people talk about, avoid that or change the topic. Sometimes though, you have to choose when you want to be social. Only go to lunch or parties half the time. This sort of conversation is honestly pretty typical for most people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T12:10:54.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18347" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18350" CreationDate="2018-09-10T12:16:14.877" Score="68" ViewCount="23566" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just moved to a new city for my master studies. I met a man via a social website who is already living here and he offered to rent me his two room apartment for a year while he was studying abroad, then there would be a possibility to extent my stay until the end of my studies but we would share the living space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Original price seemed very reasonable since it was a private full apartment for myself. Just some weeks before I was supposed to move in he told me he was cancelling his year abroad because of lack of funds. The price did not change, but given the market prices of the region it was still a reasonable amount so I didn't say anything. Now upon coming here I realized he is living in a student apartment (the place is subsidised by the government so rent is much cheaper). Looking at the price lists on the official student dorm's website I suspect he pays around 420€/month for the full apartment. I am paying 480€/month for my single room with furniture, so he is basically paying negative rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to the law of the region (Sweden), it is illegal for you to sublet your apartment for more than 10% above the set price (and I'm just renting a single room). Also I do suspect that subletting a room goes against the student dorm's community rules. So in fact what he is doing is illegal, and possibly against the student housing rules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that we have become quite good friends in the short time we have been living together, also the housing situation in the city is quite tough. Waiting lists for students are long and looking for an apartment in the middle of the semester would be quite a nightmare. Also I do prefer living in a quiet two room apartment and not in a dorm, since I want to focus on my studies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think I am ready to give an ultimatum of &amp;quot;&lt;em&gt;either you lower the rent or I move out&lt;/em&gt;&amp;quot;, I think it is highly beneficial for both of us to live together, I just want to reach a better price. He said himself that he is very happy with me as a roommate, and I suspect it would be quite hard for him to get another person who would be comfortable living with him and also with the irregularity of the situation. I still have not signed a contract but we have talked about it and he agrees that we should do it ASAP.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I approach him about this so I get an optimal price and it does not escalate into an argument?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21603" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2021-04-27T14:08:21.770" LastActivityDate="2021-04-27T14:08:21.770" Title="My roommate is making me pay too much for rent. How can I confront him?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;negotiation&gt;&lt;sweden&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18348" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18345" CreationDate="2018-09-10T12:27:45.997" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Okay, hopefully I understand everything that is going on. &#xA;First off, do you want a relationship with this friend? If so, tell him. That part is simple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, he is just friends with benefits/just friends with the girl, right? So why is she getting jealous? You need to tell him to tell her that she has no right to get jealous if they are not in a relationship. That's just silly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, maybe talk to him and maybe her about an open relationship. I'm personally not a fan and think it could complicate things if people truly aren't okay with it, but if everyone is okay with it, then it would solve everything. He dates the both of you, and you both date him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might be getting to opinionated here but it sounds like a mess. There is no rigid structure to all of your relationships. You and him are friends, he and his girl were dating but now friends, so if no one is currently dating anyone, then you are all just friends. If he's ignoring you because she's jealous, then either he needs to grow a spine and tell her he is allowed to do what he wants, accept the fact that they're dating again, or tell her to leave. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what do you want? Do you want a relationship with him? Do you want him to yourself or are you okay with an open relationship? Are you okay with a long-distance relationship but if he fools around with this other girl? I feel like he will continue to sleep with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A word of caution though and I'm not trying to make you doubt him, but guys are manipulative. If he refuses to leave her but doesn't want an open relationship, he may just be pulling you both along to get his way on both fronts. If he wants you, he will drop her. If he wants her, he should at least tell you he just wants to be friends. If he wants both, he should say that to both of you. Now the only thing that may actually disprove my suspicions of his trickery is that he obviously isn't getting any 'benefits' from you hence the distance (unless he is in a decent time interval becuase why would someone have FWB thousnds of KM away?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T12:27:45.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18285" CreationDate="2018-09-10T12:41:35.123" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: &quot;I &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; do $60! ... But if they do any higher I'll pass.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This clearly indicates that they are only willing to pay $60 if the other person bids 59.99$. However, there's noone paying 59.99$.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, $50 it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have no other buyer. Be glad your only buyer doesn't see that and negotiates any further (or walks away, too.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8298" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T12:41:35.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18347" CreationDate="2018-09-10T12:43:59.137" Score="112" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;New parameters = new deal.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he first offered to sublet his apartment, it was the FULL room/space with all amenities at your OWN benefit. Which is obviously not the case anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter what the law says (and IANAL), you can still nicely ask him what's the new deal. And see how he'll react. Don't make a fuss about it. But explain that, as the apartment is &lt;strong&gt;now&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;&lt;em&gt;shared again&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, how do you (both) reach a deal to share expenses?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would wait for a meal time, when both of you are in the kitchen, then talk to him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By the way, Bob, I was wondering... When we agreed that I would move in in here, you set the price at 480€. I thought that was nice because I had the whole room and conveniences just for me. Now that you're back, how do we proceed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you show him that the inputs have been modified, and that it should lead to a new result. You ask for his proposal. You don't force anything. You don't even talk about the price at first sight, but also about the room, about the whole thing. Let him understand that things have changed since your agreement, and that you're willing to re-negotiate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he shows one card, you adjust your argument, and show one of your cards. Be nice, and don't argue. That's the way a negotiation has to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see that he's struggling or can't answer, just tell him that you'll both take time to think about it, and set a new informal meeting within some days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, depending on his answers, you may have to come back to ask another Q.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But your goal is to keep the room at the lowest and fairest price. So you should not upset Bob. On the other hand, you also have to set boundaries. Nicely :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;This is based on experience about commercial discussions. I haven't rent any room like this with someone, but had to negotiate with professional agencies about new deals when renting. It's more or less the same way to go. Smoothly, and slowly. Just try to show how unfair the new deal is for you, and how it makes it hard for you to stick with it....&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="3473" LastEditDate="2018-09-10T22:16:16.233" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T22:16:16.233" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18347" CreationDate="2018-09-10T13:00:15.780" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two major factors that can swing this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Illegal rates&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Supply and demand&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before I come back to this, here are a few suggestions: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;First off, you can sit with him and suggest a reasonable rent. Ask him if he can afford to lower the rent. Be simple and straightforward. Simply ask for lower rent. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Compare your living situation with comparable situations and show the rent is too high. He may not realize he's overcharging.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Appeal to his sense of reason. Ask if he could lower the rent and you could use the money.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lie. If he's really unwilling to budge, you can say something like &quot;I love living here but it's eating up all my money. I found this place across town that I might be able to get into for a cheaper price.&quot; He may hear about this competitive rate and be willing to lower his as you offer him as a friend, a solid tenant, and a filled vacancy. It would be much better if you actually found a place that you can use as leverage but the empty threat of moving might get him to renegotiate.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Negotiate services for rent. Maybe offer to clean more, mow the lawn, shovel snow, wash windows, take care of his dog, whatever he may need you to do. Of course this will only help if he takes off a good chunk of rent. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Finally, bring the law into this. Show him the numbers how he's charging too much. Of course, I'd consider this as a final option as it's most likely to create the most amount of tension. If he doesn't budge and you insist on paying less, do whatever means necessary to legally force him to comply.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to go back to what I was saying at the top, illegal rates are your leverage. If your end goal is to get cheaper rent, this is your ultimate tool. He can't argue with the law but it may end up destroying your healthy friendship and tenant/landlord relationship. There, he may try to sabotage you. Take your stuff, lose your stuff, offer a less-than-stellar experience, not perform maintenance, and generally underperform. Best case is he complies and he has no hard feelings, but I imagine if that were the case, he would've renegotiated your rate without bringing in the law.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for supply and demand, even though he law dictates that your rent shouldn't be so high, the fact is you have a good deal and it's hard to get housing for students. You are happy with what you have. Sure you're overpaying in the eyes of the law but don't compare yourself to other people. Do you think you're getting a good deal? Yes? If so, you can ask to renegotiate but don't press to hard to ruin your relationship. If your deal isn't good, you don't have too much to lose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you afford the rent but don't want to pay more than you have to? Well then again, don't ruin what good deal you have just to save some money. If you can't afford it, then you have to do what you have to do to pay less, even if it means not being friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your speculation that he pays 420 Euros/month is only speculation. So if you paid a max of 462 Euros/mo, it would be legal. Is it worth arguing over the 18 Euros? If you're paying 480 and he's paying ~437 or more per month, that's also legal. Is it possible he's paying 437/mo? The monetary margins seem pretty low. You're paying 14% more than you speculate he's paying, only 4% above the legal limit. Granted it's illegal but since you're speculating, there is no evidence he's ripping you off, unless you can prove his rent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more thing to keep in mind. Are you getting benefits any other way that is unusual? Do you get free covered parking, pets allowed, all utilities included, ultra high-speed internet, a home gym, luxury kitchen with stainless steel appliance and granite counters? Remember to factor this in. Maybe he renovated the place and needs to recoup some costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T13:00:15.780" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18352" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18345" CreationDate="2018-09-10T13:09:51.903" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I had a friend who I thought was in a toxic relationship, I’d approach it with “I’m worried about you” in mind and say something like “I’d like to talk to you about X. It scares me a bit that when you’re with her, you can’t talk to me at all. Can we talk about that ? Is it only with me or are there other people you don’t talk to when you’re with her ? Because that’s the kind of stuff that’s not normal in any relationship (friend or more). Is everything OK ?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is… I don’t think that’s the case here. First, you say you’re not jealous, but your whole question is way more about you not liking him not talking to you then truly thinking he’s in an unhealthy relationship. You say you like each other but the distance makes a relationship not possible (so there can be some jealousy there that some girl can see him whenever while you only have the phone), you ask him who he likes better, who he likes to talk to better, and when talking about this you’ve mainly talked about your own feelings (“I told him that this kind of behaviour annoyed me”, “How could I approach him with the topic again so he can understand my feelings”). You seem way more focused on your own feelings and your own needs than his.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So check with you first : why does this bother you and why do you want to speak up ? Is it because you’re bothered he doesn’t talk to you when he’s with her ? Or is it because you’re worried he’s with someone who is cutting him of of his friends ? If it’s the first, you’re not that different from the other girl. She doesn’t want him talking to you because it makes her uncomfortable, so don’t make your friend do something just because it makes you uncomfortable. Instead, talk to him to know what he’s feeling and thinking, ask him questions about the relationship with this girl, and express you’re there for him if he needs help or someone to talk to. After all this, depending on his answers, you can tell him again that you're also hurt about this, and you don't want to be ignored by someone just because of someone else's opinion. But I would really first check in with him and how things are on his end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That all being said, the fact that she still forbids him to talk with you (or just makes a scene when he does) is worrying, even more now that they're just friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;EDIT&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I saw your comment to Greg's response. So it seems what truly bothers you is the effect this girl has on your relationship with him. I still think it's worth to put yourself aside for a moment and talk to your friend to see what's up with his ex. Ask him if everything is OK, and later tell him that you're still hurt he ignores you because of someone else. I think there's a strong chance things will continue as now, you've already had that discussion more or less and things still haven't changed, but at least you might have a better idea on what's going on on his end. And you can choose what to do with the information. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, drop the fact that he likes you better or likes to talk with you more. That may be the case, but it didn't change anything. Either he's in some kind of toxic relationship with this ex, or he's a wimp (and prefers to avoid her drama by ignoring you). Since it isn't about you in each case, how much he likes you isn't really a factor here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21195" LastEditorUserId="21195" LastEditDate="2018-09-10T13:34:34.003" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T13:34:34.003" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18353" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18359" CreationDate="2018-09-10T15:07:27.490" Score="4" ViewCount="500" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are many posts on social media that are a load of rubbish and just plain factually incorrect. They often end in “if you don’t share a fairy will die” or some such nonsense having bad luck. I usually just ignore them because it’s not worth the effort of entering a discussion with the person who shared the post and don’t cause much harm IMO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However sometimes these posts are dangerous because they give bad medical advice, such as the posts about so-called “&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/medical/ask-the-experts/cough-cpr&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;cough CPR&lt;/a&gt;”. A quick Google will usually take you to a site like &lt;a href=&quot;https://skeptics.stackexchange.com&quot;&gt;Skeptics.SE&lt;/a&gt; or Snopes.com which has the facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such cases I’ll sometimes post a quick comment like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry but this ones a myth &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With a link to a Skeptics, Snopes, or some other site with some info.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However I don’t want to be the person that’s always telling people they’re wrong, even if they are, as often the posts are shared with good intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I politely inform people the post they shared is wrong/dangerous/bad advice without being annoying?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bonus if you know how to get them to stop sharing such stuff in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2356" LastEditorUserId="2356" LastEditDate="2018-09-10T15:56:06.227" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T17:12:32.080" Title="How to politely tell someone the post they shared is wrong/dangerous/bad advice?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-09-10T20:13:45.967" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18347" CreationDate="2018-09-10T15:12:35.247" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am faculty in a Swedish university, so I have at least some passing knowledge of the student housing situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would strongly encourage you to keep the legal angle out of the picture, even though you say in a comment that this is your &quot;strongest point&quot;. As you say yourself, your entire living arrangement is highly dubious. Students are not allowed to sublet their apartments, and if your deal becomes public the effect will be that either (1) you are forced to move out, or (2) both of you have to move out because your friend's lease gets cancelled. Queues for student apartments are very long, so option number (2) is a real possibility, which may allow you to put some pressure on your friend, but keep in mind that you lose either way. What legal limits the law sets for apartments that can legally be sublet seems fairly irrelevant here, especially since there is a pretty big grey area in practice (if you go on Blocket, you will find that people have a pretty wild idea of what 10% of the market rate is, and given the housing situation they seem to get away with it). The best you can do with these 10% is to use this number as a baseline for negotiating a fair price (half of his apartment price plus 10%).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fittingly enough for this Stack Exchange, this leaves you with having to find an interpersonal solution. Your friend is, clearly, ripping you off. You were not friends when he started, but given that you are now, he should be willing to re-negotiate your terms to something more sane over coffee. I don't think you need to beat around the bush too much - tell him that you are unhappy about your deal and want to re-negotiate it. As you say yourself, your friend has to be aware that your deal is all but fair, so if he is reasonably smart he has to be expecting this discussion to come sooner or later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is completely unwilling to give in, he is either financially unable to give in (maybe he depends on this money and his free housing?), or maybe he just isn't such a good friend and would rather have you leave and try to rip off the next person. In both cases, your options are pretty limited - accept this terrible deal, or move out as soon as you have found something else. That said, the equivalent of 480 EUR per month is still quite cheap if you live in a major Swedish city, so it may be hard for you to quickly find something better. In any case I suggest keeping your eyes open for another apartment, because I see a real danger that the association managing the house somehow becomes aware of your arrangement and makes you move out on a fairly short deadline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6272" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T15:12:35.247" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18355" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18347" CreationDate="2018-09-10T15:45:48.553" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I had to guess then this is not the first time that this person has offered their 2 bedroom apartment for rent and then change the terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that you two have become friends but I suspect that I too would be 100% best friends with the person paying 110% of my mortgage and getting only 1 bedroom out of the deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing you can do is to shop around for other apartments right now; shop for at least a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have a fallback plan in place then you can try opening up the discussion about how the current price you are paying is not reflected fairly in the current living arrangements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you have not signed a contract yet, make sure to semi-secure new living arrangements just in case the roommate is not willing to reach an amicable agreement in regards to the rent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-09-10T20:01:54.623" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T20:01:54.623" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18345" CreationDate="2018-09-10T16:05:44.473" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm from South America. And here every women will be jealous of your behaviour. Not sure how would be on Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now what I see he is trying to have a relationship with this girl. And if she request stop contacting another girls cuddling and holding hands with him sound like a reasonable request. You know happy wife happy life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want have a healthy relationship with him, then you have to build a relationship with his girlfriend so she doesn't see you as a threat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But looks like you want something else and probably him too. So if he want have two girls at the same time he will have to juggle between both and that require stop writing to you when he is with the other girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10608" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T16:05:44.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18358" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18353" CreationDate="2018-09-10T16:50:01.520" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just do it, honestly. People need to stop using social media as a vessel for false information in the name of moral righteousness or &quot;likes, shares, karma, upvotes, follows, retweets&quot;, etc, because that's the only motivator for people to do it. People share selfies with their dying grandmas on their deathbeds for crying out loud, and regardless their apparent motivation, it's subconsciously for the attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to post a link or just arge the cold facts with sources cited saying why ____ is false. Even the most informed people share obviously fake new, tips, and hacks. Getting into unchecked information can lead to dangerous consequences. Look up &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://imgur.com/gallery/BuF31&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;how to grow crystals ammonia gas&lt;/a&gt;&quot;, &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/spurious-charge-2/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;iphone Wave charger hack&lt;/a&gt;&quot;, or &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://me.me/i/ice-cream-too-frozen-to-scoop-microwave-your-spoon-for-3902592&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;heat spoon in microwave for easy scoop ice cream&lt;/a&gt;&quot; just for example. There are plenty of useless ones like &quot;Will Ferrell died!&quot; or &quot;State police are performing Operation Bumblebee and cracking down on speeding!&quot; The whole culture of false information when a simple Google reveals facts, is breeding gross amounts of unacceptable ignorance. Not to get too political but so much of the stories about Trump or his administration's related issues are out-of-context, miscaptioned, or completely false. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be up front. If people want to be idiots and not fact check and share information without citations, then you must help them see what's wrong else stand by and watch as they spread ignorance. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T16:50:01.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18353" CreationDate="2018-09-10T17:12:32.080" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So how can I politely inform people the post they shared is wrong/dangerous/bad advice without being annoying?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You refer them to a neutral authority. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You comment &quot;Sorry but this ones a myth&quot; could be just as wrong as the post. It's a situation where your word stands against another ones, but the other one has shared their word a thousand times already. What will people believe?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a quick Google search brings up a neutral, reliable source of a counter argument, you should quote this source and add a link to the article you're citing. Depending on the kind of myth / lie that is being spread, you could:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Arouse the interest of readers like &quot;Have a look at the Mythbusters taking that claim apart with dynamite&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rectify the facts in a humorous way, &quot;fun fact: spinach contains ten times less iron than you believe because some scientific assistant put the comma in the wrong place.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Actually warn people of false claims: &quot;There have been X death cases because people believed this crap. Here's the scientific proof that this miracle medicine actually harms your body.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T17:12:32.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18360" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18345" CreationDate="2018-09-10T17:25:39.830" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;This answer is something of a frame challenge. It looks like you've already clearly voiced your displeasure with the situation, and the situation continues despite your displeasure. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I'm going to go out on a limb and be the bad guy here, because... Well, the simplest explanation is usually the right explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you and this guy had a long distance pseudo relationship. You talk fairly constantly, plan trips together, and most likely flirt. Now he has a local girlfriend/partner and it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to have a relationship with the local, and a more casual relationship with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are pretty good that he's playing you and this local against each other, because that way he doesn't have to be accountable for either of you being upset. You're upset with the local, and she's likely upset with you, leaving him free to continue both relationships relatively blame free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to call it what it is and take a giant step backwards. He's playing you both, if you don't like how he plays, take your ball and go home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're ok with the arrangement as is, that's your prerogative, but don't delude yourself about what's going on. Accept that there will be less frequent contact, because he's choosing to spend time with someone else. She probably is a little uncomfortable with the amount of contact, but chances are pretty good that he's telling her rather similar things about you being jealous, as he's been telling you about her. It's not her fault that he's choosing to spend his time the way he is, that's his choice whether she likes it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, if you're going to be upset, be upset with him. He's an adult making choices, if he chooses the relationship with the local, she probably didn't force him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The interpersonal skill here is recognizing when someone may not be being completely honest, and/or may be avoiding accountability for their own feelings/actions. In cases where you've already made your thoughts and feelings known, and the other party hasn't acquiesced, sometimes all you can do is adjust your own expectations of the situation.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T19:14:32.817" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T19:14:32.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18362" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18368" CreationDate="2018-09-10T20:08:27.210" Score="5" ViewCount="1565" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know there are a lot of &quot;how to tell a guy I am not interested&quot; posts but this is slightly different due to: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am interested&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I want to keep going to the cafe he works at&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am in an open relationship&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend and I (we are both guys) decided to be in an open relationship last year because we both travel a lot. The rules dictate that other people can only satisfy physical needs, and emotional attachments are not allowed. None of us have acted on this, as far as I know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I met a waiter getting brunch on Saturday and we exchanged numbers to meet Wednesday. When I told my boyfriend, he was upset because to him, meeting someone in real life (vs. an app) and exchanging numbers implied an emotional connection. To his credit, I didn't tell the waiter that I had a boyfriend and was only looking for a one night stand. It was spur of the moment and I thought I could explain the situation later. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thinking about this, I have decided that it would probably be the best if I don't meet up with this guy. How can I tell him that I don't want to meet up but still stay cordial? He works in a cafe the same block as my apartment and I would want to keep going to his cafe. I can't be friends with him as he is very attractive and my boyfriend would probably not appreciate us being friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Notes:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are in NYC&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My boyfriend has cheated on me two years ago (we weren't open then)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21614" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T21:55:38.320" Title="How to tell a new guy I misunderstood my open relationship rules" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18363" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-10T21:09:23.447" Score="9" ViewCount="1178" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Situation&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I are in the process of building a house to start a family. We have hired a contractor that will arrange everything from start to finish to deliver a habitable house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The lot we are building our house on is meant for two &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semi-detached&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;semi-detached&lt;/a&gt; homes. Our neighbors finished building their home recently. During preparations for our house, our contractor discovered that the foundation placed underneath the common wall on our neighbors' lot is actually too wide and about 20 cm is placed on our lot (probably by mistake); it now blocks construction of foundations for our home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That small part of our neighbors' foundation cannot be reused because each house needs to rest on its own foundation to allow both of them to move independently. Using this part of the foundation as part of the foundation for our house is simply not possible and cannot be presented as an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our contractor has proposed two solutions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remove any of part of the foundation that is on our lot.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Move our home 20 cm and fill the gap with additional insulation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first solution will most likely damage the house of our neighbors and potentially lead to an unstable common wall. The second solution has no risk for any damage but reduces the valuable space on our lot by a small amount (though, certainly not negligible) and adds an additional cost to the construction of our home due to the additional insulation and exterior materials that are required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We met our neighbors once before the incident and both parties clearly expressed the intent to have a friendly relationship for many years to come. Once our contractor explained the problem with the foundation, we contacted our neighbors and requested another meeting to discuss the solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first solution could be enforced through court because we did not give permission to install the foundation of our neighbors' house on our property. However, letting the court resolve this issue will most likely take a few months to a few years. The relationship with our neighbors will be ruined (because their house will most likely be damaged) and we do not want to risk an unstable common wall.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We favor the second solution but obviously do not want to pay the additional cost to make it all happen. All in all, we would already voluntarily sacrifice valuable space on our lot to fix our neighbors' mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We already briefly explained the situation and solutions to our neighbors over the phone but they immediately made it clear that they also have no intent of paying any additional cost because they simply do not have the funds to pay for it at this time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The additional cost is estimated to be 2400 euros. We could pay for it ourselves but obviously prefer spending it elsewhere. We also feel that paying this from our own pocket would hurt the relationship with our neighbors from our side for the coming years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are meeting our neighbors tomorrow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is the best course of action to get our neighbors to pay for the additional cost of moving our house as a result of their faulty foundations? During tomorrow's discussion, what arguments could we use that have the highest likelihood of persuading our neighbors to pay?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What general advice should we keep in mind when discussing this topic with our neighbors? Are there any big &quot;do's and dont's&quot; for situations like this?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Update&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, thanks for all comments and answers, they have most certainly be helpful to us!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have met our neighbors and discussed the issue. We explained the problem as it has been presented to us by our contractor and stated the solution: removing the encroaching foundation that is on our property. We also stated that enforcing this solution is completely within our right because we are the owners of the property and did not grant permission for any such construction. Then we continued that the aforementioned solution entails a high risk of permanent damage to the house of our neighbors and that we were willing to accept a workaround that involved moving our house. We presented the cost estimation our contractor provided us and formally requested all costs be payed in full by our neighbors in case they chose this approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the start of the conversation we emphasized that our aim is to find a solution that everybody is happy with and that others have forced us into resolving a difficult matter. Nobody at the table was to blame but everybody had the best interest in finding a solution that works well for all. Afterwards, we phrased our request quite formally just in case our neighbors would react badly to our proposed solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Luckily for us, they reacted quite well and appreciated the fact we were so open and direct to them. They also emphasized they have our relationship as their primary interest because we will be living next door for many years to come. They have accepted our requests and will present it to the contractor responsible for the construction of their foundation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, our contractor already confirmed that their contractor has acknowledged the faulty foundations. It appears that they will resolve the issue themselves. Nevertheless, we have requested that all communication is also forwarded to our address so that we can keep up with how things are going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this outcome, I want to thank both answers that were posted before we had the meeting. One showed that a friendly tone is of utmost importance in discussions like this. The other also highlighted the fact that we should not tolerate grave mistakes and exercise our rights appropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21616" LastEditorUserId="21616" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T22:16:10.980" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T22:16:10.980" Title="Neighbor is responsible for additional costs to construction of our house; how to convince them to pay?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;belgium&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18364" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-10T21:37:09.397" Score="2" ViewCount="542" Body="&lt;p&gt;At school, my friend (let's call him Ivan) is quite intelligent. He's in enrichment classes, gets A to A+ grades and is very conscientious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the risk of sounding narcissistic, I am objectively one of the best performing students at my school/country (through national test results, etc.) and as a result often find my day-school subjects easy, but monotonous.&#xA;Before I continue, it might be important that my classes are held on a periodic basis. With a number of periods in a day, each period of my timetable refers to a specific class in a specific classroom. However, some of the classes (usually due to teachers, not content) are overwhelmingly viewed as wastes of time. I won't name these but as an example, such a class might consist of us discussing unrelated topics and not covering content up to an appropriate curriculum standard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result, I often haphazardly approach schoolwork and classroom behavior. When I feel that a certain class is wasting my time (e.g. other students refuse to listen to the teacher -&gt; stern talks, we have an incompetent substitute teacher) I usually dedicate that time to other things. As of recently, I've been dedicating that time to olympiad mathematics, and studying things like inequalities and functional equations seems more relevant to my overall learning then spending 50 minutes in a class not learning anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm certain that the class is a waste of time / counterproductive. I'm not sure whether dedicating time to 'being efficient' / actually learning useful information is the right course of action, but that's another question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In one particular class I'm in with Ivan (literature), I find the coursework and discussion relatively shallow. However, I enjoy the class, but because I find it so easy I usually do not put as much effort into, say, essay-writing and note-taking as someone like Ivan. Despite this, I always get better grades than him. Again, &lt;strong&gt;please understand&lt;/strong&gt; that this isn't me trying to show-off - I just want to adequately contextualize the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ivan's noticed this and recently confronted (no negative connotation) me about this. He told me that it often annoyed him that he would put so much effort into rewriting and perfecting his literary analyses/etc. yet it seems like I write them half-heartedly and still manage to write excellent essays regardless. I fully sympathize with him - since there are still people above me and I once felt the same way about a particular person. But in my case, this just pushed me to try harder - and while I never reached the level I desired, it satisfied me that I had turned some sort of jealousy into a productive mindset. However, I'm not sure how to react to Ivan's confession. We share other classes as well, such as mathematics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I could do is to artifically degrade the quality of my work. This doesn't seem reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing I could do is to encourage Ivan to act the same way I did - to manifest his jealously for my standards as a motivation for him. But to me, this comes across as pretentious - and given Ivan's already trying extremely hard, I'm not sure how well received this could be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The third option is to stop being so easy-going about the course. I find the course easy (but enjoyable), but I wouldn't want to (superficially?) work harder than I need to. While I could write even better essays and be more proud of my work, I choose to dedicate that time to studying Olympiad mathematics instead, which I believe is more satisfying for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fourth option (and the final one I can think of) is to ignore the situation - I shouldn't care what he thinks of my performance, right? The problem is, I'm relatively good friends with him and I want to, at the very least, maintain that friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is: what is a feasible solution that addresses Ivan's confession without compromising our friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21608" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T01:52:25.737" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T03:23:24.083" Title="How do I avoid academically 'shaming' a fellow student/friend?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-11T07:29:00.683" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18365" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="6113" CreationDate="2018-09-10T21:46:54.283" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Americans use OK very often and this is a situation where it is perfectly suitable as it implies acknowledgement and it acts as a filler word to move conversations along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;'k' or 'ok' would be perfect (in the US).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a terrible conversation starter though. It doesn't allow for a follow up sentence. Use &quot;great&quot; or something similar for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17350" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T21:46:54.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18363" CreationDate="2018-09-10T21:48:06.223" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is based on my experience in the U.S. (which is quite limited even so) but the approach may be of use for a meeting coming so soon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The major issue is that their house is intruding on your property, which they cannot do without your permission (regardless of what any previous owner of the lot may or may not have arranged). They are breaking the law, even if they are doing so in all innocence, and you don't need to tolerate that. Their choices are largely limited to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They lose some multiple of 20cm of their foundation (damaging their house, as you've noted)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They pay you rent for the ongoing use of that strip of your property (an awkward arrangement)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You sell that strip of your property to them (at any arbitrary price, not necessarily the cost of relocating your house) and have the lots re-surveyed accordingly, solving the issue permanently.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The property lines stay as they are, your neighbors continue to use ~20cm of your property, you relocate your home to accommodate the issue, and someone pays the cost of doing so.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practical Advice: Split the Cost&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's unlikely that your neighbors did any of this intentionally (if they did it at all! It could easily have been a mistake by a contractor or surveyor, with your neighbors never knowing about it until now). So it would be a good idea to avoid blaming them at all. The issue is that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; now have a problem to deal with, and you are no more guilty of anything than your neighbors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your leverage here comes from the fact that you are legally in control. It's your property that their house is encroaching on, and so you can utilize legal machinery to get your way whether your neighbors agree or not. I would &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; recommend this framing if you value your future relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this is otherwise going to be a big issue for one of you, you could split the difference and have it be a more minor issue for each of you. If you agreed to sell that strip of your property for 1200 Euros you acknowledge that this isn't your fault, nor your neighbors, solve the problem, and avoid using threats or absorbing the whole cost yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your neighbors have indicated to you that they can't afford to pay right now. If that's the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; reason they've offered for not paying, then there is little point in demanding that they pay for everything upfront. You might suggest an installment plan, or some sort of delayed payment, or something similar to address their stated inability to pay immediately. Getting an agreement like this in writing is a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But the basic approach is that they pay for the use of that land, one way or another, and you allow the timing of the payment to suit your neighbor's needs. This applies whether you are splitting the cost at all or are imposing all of the costs on your neighbors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you are dead-set on having your neighbors pay the full cost:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would lay out the simple facts: it's your property, and the problem is now costing you money. You can get lawyers involved, damage their home, or both, and your neighbors will probably not have any chance of winning as long as their house is partially on your property. If I were insistent on not paying, this implicit threat would probably be the only thing that could motivate me to do so. You'd get 2400 Euros, but also an unlimited amount of unpredictable acrimony from me for as long as we were neighbors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T21:48:06.223" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18362" CreationDate="2018-09-10T21:53:20.647" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, question: does the waiter anticipate this is going to be a one night stand or does he think there may be a potential long term thing that could come of it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m sorry to preface with my own two cents, but I think it sort of leads into my answer. I think, given your current position (having made plans and at least part of those plans being sexual in nature), it will be very hard for you to a) cancel this, b) continue going to that cafe, &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; c) interact with the guy in a strictly platonic, employee/customer manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should tell him the truth the same way you told us here. You are in a relationship that you’d like to respect and meeting a guy at the coffee shop and going out with / staying in with him later would not be respecting the relationship. Disclose the open status and your misunderstanding of your boyfriend’s interpretation of “no emotional connection” if you please, but I don’t think it’s necessary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3640" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T21:53:20.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18362" CreationDate="2018-09-10T21:55:38.320" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just be honest.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to keep going to this café it's likely that you'll keep running into this waiter indefinitely. It will be hard to maintain any story about why you couldn't go out with him after all that is satisfying to him and does not fall apart at some point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead, you can just tell him that you're in an open relationship but your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this specific case and so to preserve your relationship you can't go out with him [the waiter]. That's it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T21:55:38.320" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18364" CreationDate="2018-09-10T22:54:44.837" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He told me that it often annoyed him that he would put so much effort into rewriting and perfecting his literary analyses/etc. yet it seems like I write them half-heartedly and still manage to write excellent essays regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend is clearly jealous of your academic abilities, and that your abilities can make him feel inferior by comparison. I would talk to him about this, specifically trying to highlight what &lt;strong&gt;he's&lt;/strong&gt; better than you at e.g. sport.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should make him feel better about himself and his talents, even if they are not academic in nature. Additionally, if he is struggling you could offer to help him out in subjects he is finding difficult like literature to help him improve, although make sure you avoid making this sound patronising.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do worse on purpose:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a waste of your time and effort, and he will likely see through your attempts, which will not help the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Encourage him to be as good as you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is probably downright unhelpful, as he is just not as good as you, which is why he's upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Put in more effort:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either this provides diminishing returns, so not worth the effort, or your essays get much better, which will likely make Ivan feel worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ignore him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should be the thing that you try, when you decide that your friendship with him is not worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to him positively and emphasize his own talents, reminding him that academic talent is not a necessity in life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21619" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T23:06:53.700" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18364" CreationDate="2018-09-10T23:48:03.013" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Hmm, looks like I have to answer this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I enjoy the class, but because I find it so easy I usually do not put as much effort into, say, essay-writing and note-taking as someone like Ivan. Despite this, I always get better grades than him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds just like me back in the day! LOL. You seem to have discovered that the stastistical distribution of IQ is indeed a bell curve. C'est la vie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway. You're in school, so you're there to learn. Might as well learn something useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore, whatever the topic is, this is not what you're supposed to learn. You can just read the book at home and ace the test, that's not a problem. There's no reason to shove it in people's faces either, as there is no pride in doing something easy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to reframe the problem and realize you are in school to learn how to interact with other people. This will be a very useful skill during the rest of your life. If you pick a career where you have to lead people (like management) then it is an essential skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend you pick a group of a few students and coach them. Make sure you don't pick only the ones at the top of the class. Someone like Ivan, who is jealous of you, would be more difficult. You should try anyway, but make sure you also pick students with different skill levels. If all your buddies are nerds, that's an occasion to make more buddies. You can exploit this strategy to soothe Ivan's jealousy, by starting a study group which you will both lead. If he enjoys the &quot;prestige&quot; then all's good. If he's really the envious type though, maybe he will explode in flight. Another learning experience for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you have a challenge. I think you'll like it. Explaining something that you think you understand to someone is an excellent way to realize that you don't actually understand it as well as you thought. Helping people is a good way to make friends. Also you will need to understand them in order to explain it to them in a way that suits them. The students you coach will catch you off-guard with questions, and you will look like an idiot, which is a good thing since this will prevent them from being too envious. Of course you will research the questions and learn new stuff, but if you are wise you will make them research the questions too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will probably encounter some failures, which is pretty much required if you want to learn anyway, so that's also a plus. And you will also save a few academic careers, I hope. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-09-10T23:48:03.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18371" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18364" CreationDate="2018-09-11T01:46:57.677" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL; DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just tell them to focus on enjoying the subject rather than worry about who they're beating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Longer Answer:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll tell you what. I've been on both sides of this spectrum. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Until 10th grade, there was a girl that scored the best grades with minimal work, as if she wasn't even trying. Back then, I tried to constantly work harder and got frustrated when she would always beat me and still be able to do all her extracurriculars, and even ace those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in grade 11-12, there are many students (including that girl) who I'd always been beating. Then, they got frustrated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been in their position before, I told them to stop trying so hard to beat me (or anyone, for that matter) and start trying to perfect their knowledge instead. Improve their skills for their own benefit rather than for getting better than any person X.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While my friends took this seriously, they're still on good terms with me. The result was that they actually managed to beat me a couple of times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do is:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him that while it may look like you're not actually working hard on your course, you're able to do well because you enjoy it. (I'm not sure if this is true, but your enjoying the subject definitely has something to do with you doing well at it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A side note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While other answers have mentioned that Ivan is jealous of you, I think he's more unhappy for himself not doing well than he is unhappy that you are doing better than him. That makes a huge difference in your approach towards him. However, be cautious all the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="157" LastEditorUserId="157" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T02:02:17.350" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T02:02:17.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18364" CreationDate="2018-09-11T03:23:24.083" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know exactly where you are coming from. As a fellow math olympiadian and ARML (American Regional Mathematics League) starter, Mensa (member of Mensa)... I get a lot of that jealousy and hatred that you are feeling. So at the risk of being socially excluded, I learned to... Pretend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I convinced myself that if there's merit in pretending to be like just like them, why not? I would attend study groups, but spend the majority of my time doing some other problems (I like to minimax video games) while others studied. My actual &quot;learning&quot; would be done when people ask me questions (lol). I literally learn on the spot when I need to help someone solve a problem and I had to go read through the relevant chapters. I find that usually reading through the text once and understanding it fully is sufficient to solve any problem that can result from it. I treated studying not as an end-goal but rather just a tool, I get to enjoy the social interaction of studying with people without feeling I am wasting my time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I mean by treating studying (and by extension, academics) as a tool and not an end goal is that... I didn't extract all my joy from academic superiority anymore. I CHANGE that goal to maximize your personal success, which would include how to get to people to like me more by being more normal. It takes some practice, but you will get the hang of it. Sometimes it feels like I am lying to people but that's the only way to stay humble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How did you find that exam? Wasn't it hard?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of the truth, which will sound arrogant no matter how true it is,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;No, I didn't even study, I could code when I was 11.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say something a normal person would say, and bite your tongue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Yeah, it was, it was... I just hope I did well.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You make a lot more friends that way and it's overall more beneficial than simply being yourself and get everyone all jealousy and hateful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19852" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T03:23:24.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18373" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18374" CreationDate="2018-09-11T04:53:00.730" Score="10" ViewCount="1006" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;: my parents have been running a small restaurant which opens everyday with another employee for a couple of years now; things went okay so far, I don't hear much complaints. I've been helping them whenever I can, back then when I was still in college until I graduated recently and got a job.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And here come my situation: my parents tend to go on something they call &quot;&lt;em&gt;religious trip&lt;/em&gt;&quot; every 2-3 weeks on Sunday (which I don't know much about) and ask me to come and help the employee since she will be working alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm usually okay with this and come to help my family whenever they go on their trip. Things went okay until last month, when they suddenly needed to make their trip very frequently (from every 2-3 weeks on Sunday to weekly on weekends) and asked me to come help the employee (which I still accepted for them and would feel extremely bad if Ilet her work alone).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They promised it won't last for long, but it's already been a month and they're still going for their trip weekly in weekend. I'm getting very tired with this situation now, since I work 44 hrs/week and just want to take the weekend to rest. Sometimes, I'm just so tired that when I receive their text to come help, I almost come confront my parents (which I managed to hold back).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here is my question: &lt;strong&gt;How do I convince my parents and their employee to close their restaurant while they go on their trips?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is something that I've tried:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asked them to close the restaurant for at least Sunday while they're gone, refused with &quot;We will lose our regulars if we close the restaurant for one day&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell my parents that I'm tired and won't come to help, to what they say that&#xA;&quot;if you don't come the employee will have to work alone&quot; (I still come to help at the end).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tried not to come help at all, but feel so bad that I still come help after 1-2 hours (I don't have any emotional attachment to the employee though, just feel bad to leave someone to prepare and run the restaurent by themself).  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some information to clarify:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm male, moved out after graduate.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We live in Asia &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They give me some money to compensate which I put to family's account for bills and and give some to my sister who still living with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20459" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T05:39:01.073" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T20:14:36.697" Title="How do I convince my parents and their employee to close their restaurant while they go on their trips" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;south-east-asia&gt;&lt;persuasion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18374" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18373" CreationDate="2018-09-11T06:11:40.920" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that your issue is not if the restaurant is open or not but that they take up your weekends when you need to rest so my answer would be more or less to &quot;how can you convince them to let you rest on the weekends&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thing first, they are your parents and they have provided for you and taken care of you for most of your life. They feel entitled to your help with the restaurant and probably with good reason. I don't believe just flat out refusing would work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are still your parents though and they will most likely keep your needs above their own. I would talk to them and explain that working on your regular job is tiring enough and having no time to rest is damaging your health and your performance at work. No parent wants to be responsible for his child ending up losing his job or even worse - ending up in a hospital. Keep the conversation about you and the effects that working on the weekends is having on &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't judge them for their choices but just explain the effects of their choices and hope your parents will make the right decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also suggest other alternatives so they can still get what they want (keeping the restaurant open). You mentioned you have a sister. Maybe she can go help out instead of you? Or the long time employee can have someone come to help out on the weekends. Your parents are wiling to pay you for your time, they shouldn't have a problem paying somebody else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have an honest discussion with them. I am sure there is some compromise that can keep everyone happy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T06:11:40.920" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18375" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18383" CreationDate="2018-09-11T06:25:56.433" Score="78" ViewCount="20981" Body="&lt;p&gt;My younger brother has a wife and two daughters and has habit of spending money. For example, he likes going to movies often, eating out often, and buying name brand clothes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also have a wife and three kids. I am not like him. I only spend when I see there is a need for it; like when it's been a long time since we last ate out, so we should splurge a bit and go out. I have pretty good savings and herein lies the problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother is not doing any savings and when I guide him to save money of his own, he simply says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I have you as my backup. Aren't you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I remain speechless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days ago I said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Everyone is on their own in this world. What if I was broke; how would you help? Why do you always think that you are the only one that might be in a bad position? Please start creating some back up.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now he is not talking to me and has been sarcastically detailed about paying things. He is paying me back for even water and soda bottles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell him that I will be always there for him, but that it doesn't mean he should not have his own back up plan? Saving is also earning in the long run too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19289" LastEditorUserId="2012" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T14:40:03.250" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T17:15:23.177" Title="How can I stress to my brother the importance of saving when he relies on me as a safety net?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;responsibility&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18376" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18378" CreationDate="2018-09-11T07:47:48.390" Score="8" ViewCount="859" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not sure if this is the right place to ask this question, but here we go. In my college I like talking to people and making connections. I think I am an extrovert. Sometimes when I talk with other students I like to say “hey, how are you?” with a big smile. A lot of people just respond with a smile and they don’t reply back. Yesterday I asked two people how their vacations went, they barely said anything and just smiled a little bit. They didn’t ask me how my vacations went. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I live in the northern part of Italy. I don’t know these students very well. We go to the same classes and we sit almost next to each other, we know each other's names and have said exchanged greetings like 'hi' a few times. I don’t hang out with them outside of class. This happens quite often with the same people (pretty much every time). These people are very outgoing with the group they hang out with. But they kind of shy away when they leave third group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I’d like to know how to get to know these people, so how to do so when they don’t respond to greetings the way I would expect them to&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5411" LastEditorUserId="7377" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T04:22:26.913" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T04:22:26.913" Title="How to get to know people who don’t respond to greetings the way I would expect them to" Tags="&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;college&gt;&lt;italy&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-11T08:06:14.837" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This may be a mixed answer because I think you should also ask on &lt;a href=&quot;https://money.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;Personal Finance &amp;amp; Money&lt;/a&gt; how to talk and introduce people to personal savings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I understand (and assume) your brother don't think in terms of &quot;him and his family&quot; but rather &quot;him&quot;. So when HE need help he go to you, because you are his brother. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I think you should do is to talk with his wife. Ask if they have any savings, do they have any plan (maybe she thinks they will ash her part of family?) and MOST IMPORTANT: Do they know how much they are spending vs. how much they need to spend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also need to explain to your brother that it's not about your backup plan (you have one) so he don't need to repay you for every soda can. It's about HIS and HIS family financial security. The old - take this soda can money and put it into saving account.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastEditorUserId="217" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T12:41:19.657" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T12:41:19.657" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18378" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18376" CreationDate="2018-09-11T09:07:59.203" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is pretty common that people considers everyone from outside their friends circle as strangers. As such, it may be uncommon to have small talk/interactions with strangers that go beyond necessary communication. It may also be that you are too forward and they feel oppressed even if your intentions are kind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that in your situation, you should first try to befriend those people by referring to what you have in common (since you are going to the same class, you can start discussing it), rather than go with random &quot;hello, how are you?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T09:07:59.203" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18379" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18380" CreationDate="2018-09-11T09:23:45.923" Score="2" ViewCount="482" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm working in a software company as a junior s/w developer(&lt;strong&gt;fresher&lt;/strong&gt;). Recently I was assigned to a project, already 2 of my team members who are senior to me by almost 3-3.5 years are working on this project. I was asked by my reporting officer to transfer their work on my machine, install it and review the code. While installing a bug floated, which the older members could not solve and I came up with a work around to this problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They seemed unhappy with the work around, I told them that I don't know how else to solve this problem and if they want to solve it they can, (moreover the technology is new for me) and in this context they were rude to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They told me that I'm behaving as a trainee and I should do it by myself and so long I don't solve this I can't do anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I'm bothered with this behavior is even if they are senior to me I don't work under them, My reporting officer is some one else and moreover, the bigger question is &quot;Can you be rude with your coworkers?&quot;. I believe no one can be rude, If my company is not happy with my services, they can fire me but they can't be rude with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, coming back to the issue, what should be my response to these people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21628" LastEditorDisplayName="user21628" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T09:28:46.473" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T10:18:03.467" Title="How to respond if your colleague is rude to you?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="0" ClosedDate="2018-09-11T10:20:23.233" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18380" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18379" CreationDate="2018-09-11T10:12:24.467" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems like some of your senior colleagues may be quite insecure. It is a classic scenario that someone younger joins a team with new ideas, more recent education and training, and this makes some older team members insecure about their own abilities. Instead of welcoming new people with skills that will strengthen the team, insecure people think only how it will affect &lt;em&gt;them personally&lt;/em&gt; - how it reflects on them if you can do something they can't, and possibly how you might go on to bypass them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would say you need to be &lt;em&gt;balanced&lt;/em&gt; in your attitude and approach to this. On one hand, try and see it from your colleagues' point of view. You don't necessarily know what promises your colleagues may have been given about their own careers that didn't happen. They may have been promised training and development, or career progression, and if that hasn't happened yet then they might be angry about that and (unfairly) projecting that onto you because you're the new guy with a fresh outlook. On the other hand though, it is unreasonable of them to demand you bug fix something they can't, especially when the code was somebody else's and the bug arose when they were giving it to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't respond with rudeness if someone is rude to you at work. If you set out with the aim of firing an insult back or proving them wrong in a very public way then you might end up looking bad yourself. Remember you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; still new and while you might know a few extra workarounds than them there is no substitute for experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Use the project you are working on to prove yourself. Research the problem and fix the bug if you can. If not, try to implement the workaround in an automated way so it is as good as a fix. Alternatively, can you see a way that the bug could be avoided if you built this code again from the ground up?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found myself in a similar situation a year ago, and after a year it has almost completely resolved itself. Ways I have found work to improve the situation are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Even if someone has irritated you, show them respect as a senior and ask them for advice on some things. If they have an ego problem this will puff them up a bit and feel better about themselves and their skill-set. If they feel less insecure they may treat you better.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Focus on your own work and quit suggesting ways they could do theirs better. The longer they spend struggling with bugs of their own creation the less time they have to interfere with your work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the rudeness persists from specific individuals you may consider going to your manager (or their manager) about it. But don't do that too soon - get a few successful projects or pieces of work under your belt first. That way your manager will see it as a concern raised by a valued member of staff rather than &quot;the new guy causing trouble&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One year on in my role and I have my own workload which built up over time, and this keeps me separate from anyone that was a little rude when I was learning from them / job shadowing in the beginning. I have built up working relationships with more people and know where I stand with them, so I know they wouldn't listen to one or two people who might be rude. And the rude people have softened. If they are still a little sarcastic towards me on occasion I feel comfortable either ignoring it, or else I have the knowledge and experience to dismiss it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T10:18:03.467" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T10:18:03.467" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-11T10:51:57.587" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your brother seems to have missed the point of what you tried to say to him. You want him to think about the &quot;&lt;em&gt;big picture&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and start saving for the future; instead he seems to be angrily paying you back for small things just to show you he is upset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say nothing about your &lt;em&gt;incomes&lt;/em&gt; so I assume that the difference in your financial situations is entirely down to &lt;em&gt;spending&lt;/em&gt;, not due to any disparity between what the two of you earn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As brothers you are not predetermined to be the same, but if you shared an upbringing then you must have some common ground on which to discuss this. If you can open up a dialogue you can perhaps get him to think about how he could adjust his spending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many people that struggle to pay bills think the answer is to &lt;em&gt;earn more&lt;/em&gt;, but like yourself, being smart with the money you have is much better and gives you more time with your family, as well as more time to enjoy what you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find it helpful to view &quot;spending vs earning&quot; this way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you spend $2.50 on a coffee every morning on the way to work, assuming you work 5 days a week and 48 weeks a year that adds up to $600 a year.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;According to the US Census Bureau the median household income in 2016 was $59,039. If that was your annual salary then you spend almost 2.5 days' salary on your morning coffee.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;With these figures, giving up your morning coffee, or taking your own into work instead of buying it is the equivalent of giving yourself a 1% pay rise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The average annual pay rise in the USA is around 3%. Find two more savings like your coffee and you've matched your annual pay rise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the sounds of it, right now I'm preaching to the converted. You already save money by being careful. But perhaps this thinking could help your brother. If he can view &lt;em&gt;saving&lt;/em&gt; money as an alternative to &lt;em&gt;earning&lt;/em&gt; it, he might be inclined to make some changes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you said to him previously might have been a bit confrontational and perhaps insulted his ability to look after his family. To settle the dispute and attempt to address your concern you could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Our last conversation about money didn't go the way I intended. I was just worried about you and wanted to offer you some advice. I'm sorry if I upset you. I want you to know that I would always help you if I can, but I'm sure you agree that we all have to put our kids first. I couldn't use money that my children may need in the future to bail you out of a financial situation. If you are interested in hearing how I manage to save money when I have almost the same circumstances as you, then I would be happy to share that with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he gives you the opportunity, try and use similar reasoning to my examples. Even if at first he view it as a way of saving in some areas so he can spend it on things he or his family want more, it may over time become instinctive to him to save money rather than waste it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T10:55:54.773" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T10:55:54.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18383" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-11T11:05:36.310" Score="70" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, he seems annoyed. He probably knows you're at least somewhat correct, but at this point you comes across more as a know-it-all vibe than good intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that he is annoyed makes sense: It's his money and you're telling him how he should spend it (or actually, to save it). How would you feel if he kept telling you to &quot;spend more money, enjoy life more!&quot;? At one point you will get annoyed by it (and now imagine sending receipts of everything fun you buy as overreaction).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest you take a step back. It's their money, they can spend it how they see fit. You've given your advice and they've chosen not to stick to it. Move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address the more current issue, the no talking/micromanaging/etc, I suggest you say something along the lines of this, and then leave it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey man, this petty stuff isn't working for either of us. You know I talked to you about saving because I care for you right? I don't want you to end up on the streets, I'm your brother, I'm supposed to keep an eye on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if you want to bring up the part about you being his backup plan:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Of course I'll help you out if really needed, but I'm not your default failsafe. You should not count on me &lt;em&gt;by default&lt;/em&gt;, I'm not saving to take &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; risks, that's why I recommend you save some yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also stop giving money to enforce this. You could also decide it per situation, then I'd recommend only to help  when the problem is a 8 out of 10 or higher. And if you do, buy the item yourself and give that to him. This way you make sure it isn't spent other then you intended, while helping, and it also gives a better sense if what you get (money, especially digital, is more abstract and easily misjudged, while a real object or service is a lot more concrete).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="5504" LastEditDate="2018-09-15T13:01:45.667" LastActivityDate="2018-09-15T13:01:45.667" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18363" CreationDate="2018-09-11T13:14:33.887" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a choice here. The legalities of the matter seem pretty clearly in your favour, so you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; adopt an entirely legal approach and just let your lawyers sort it out without having to say a word to your neighbours. While some would argue that isn't an interpersonal solution, in my opinion any option which could &lt;em&gt;potentially&lt;/em&gt; improve a human relationship or minimise damage to one &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an interpersonal solution. There might actually be &lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt; bad feeling from your neighbours if the bad news that they either have to pay up, or smash up came from a lawyer in matter-of-fact terms and not from you. If you go over to their house and say the wrong thing (and there's no guarantee that any approach we give you here will be well-received by your neighbour) then it could potentially become a whole lot more personal and a whole lot worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although you say that the legal approach could take years, a well-worded legal letter from a lawyer could present the two options to them and they would almost certainly agree to the one that does not mean they have to smash up their home. I know they have already said that money is an issue, but they must surely realise that if they refuse both options and this goes through the courts they would only end up paying whichever option you enforced &lt;em&gt;plus&lt;/em&gt; your legal costs because this case is in your favour &lt;em&gt;prima facie&lt;/em&gt;. Going &quot;legal&quot; does not necessarily mean years of waiting and court, it could get sorted quickly via lawyers. Consider it as an option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you say that you would be happy with the second option of moving your house slightly but at a financial cost to you and losing some usable land, have you considered the fact that you could take this option &lt;em&gt;and then&lt;/em&gt; pursue them legally? You can build your house anywhere you like on your own land, so moving it has no bearing on your neighbours. But you can prove with land registration documents that they have built on land you own, so you could build, take the hit, then pursue them later, perhaps for the value of the land that you have lost to their mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I think this really needs sorting legally. Because if you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; deal with it legally now, you will have real difficulties if you ever come to sell your house. I say this because if you go with option 1 and get them to move, then your house and land will be exactly as stated in all land registration documents. But if you go with any variation of option 2, any potential future buyer's lawyer or realtor (whoever handles the legal aspect of purchasing in your country) may pick up on the fact that your neighbour's house is built on the land they are buying from you. If you couldn't sort it quickly under those circumstances then your sale would probably fall through. If you allow your neighbours house to sit on your land then you still need to go down the legal avenue of getting the land re-partitioned and re-registered. I appreciate there may be other options to you, such as them paying you ground rent, but in my view these are complications that could also prevent a future sale. Some buyers don't want complex situations, they just want to buy a house and live in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do still want to speak to them personally, and I can think of just as many good reasons why you should take this approach, you should still be absolutely clear on your legal position before you do so. This is not so you can go in with a legal approach first, but so you can fall back on it if he doesn't receive you as well as you hope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This is really awkward, but as you know we have come to build our house and your house has apparently been built on part of our land. We really want to come to an agreement that suits us both. But the only two options that are available to us do carry a cost. I hope you agree that it isn't fair for us to pay for a mistake made by your builders?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See what they say. They ought to agree in principle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to pursue your second option &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; you agree with my point on the legal issues surrounding the land, you could perhaps go on to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We feel that the fairest option to you would be not to insist that your house be altered, but move our building slightly. However, there is still the issue of your property being on our land, so sooner or later we are going to have to resolve this legally because if we ever came to sell our property there would be a discrepancy that could prevent a sale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm willing to hear any suggestion you have on how we can resolve this financially?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful not to hurriedly accept any solution they suggest without thinking it over, and perhaps getting legal advice on it. You could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for your suggestion, I'll have a think about it and get back to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't give you a solution that you are happy with then just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope you understand, I'm just trying to build a family home for myself, same as you. I think it is best if we just get this sorted out through legal channels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just finally, on the matter of them not having the funds to pay - if they have just bought a property then either they paid for it outright, or they have taken out a mortgage or loan. If they had the cash, they are minted, so don't take their word for it they have no money. If on the other hand they have a mortgage or loan, they could extend that loan to cover the costs to you. Although this is an assumption on my part, mortgages are usually based on the saleable value of a property. As you and your neighbour are building your own properties on land I would say that any mortgage your neighbour has will have room for extension, because they took it out &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; they built, and now the property is built it will be worth &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T13:37:22.350" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T13:37:22.350" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18385" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-11T15:24:28.837" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I may have misunderstood the situation, but the only thing I found weird was the interaction you described as :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;he simply says &quot;I have you as my backup, aren't you?&quot; I remain speechless. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That seems to convey the message that he believes that he'll be able to turn towards you if he ever has any problems or runs out of money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't seem to be a point of view that you share with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is correct, I'd advise having a talk with him and setting clear boundaries. You should explain to him that you are not his personal savings account and that if he ever has a problem you may not consistently lend him money or help him as much as he would like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is undoubtedly not going to be the most pleasant conversation you could have and you should try to frame it as something out of your control. Explain that in some circumstances you couldn't physically be able to lend him money, for example if you are fired before him, you'd have to use your savings to sustain your family and yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8590" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T15:24:28.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18386" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18388" CreationDate="2018-09-11T15:29:37.533" Score="107" ViewCount="21261" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently read a &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/118968/recovering-from-an-embarrassing-misunderstanding-about-new-moms-rooms&quot;&gt;great question&lt;/a&gt; on Workplace.se and it reminded me of a similar situation I've come across a couple of times, where I did not know how to interrupt the speaker without embarrassing him even more. It often happens with non-technical coworkers that misunderstood something technical, but can also happen in a situation between friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it would be easiest to take the example from the Workplace.se question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John starts his argument with how he found out about the 'new mom's room' that was recently created. He is disappointed there is no new dad's room as newborn baby life is just as hard for dads as it is for moms. He goes on about how unfair it is new moms 'get to nap' and that change needs to be made. The company needs to be more mindful of equality, so a new dad's room needs to be made too, so dads can unwind or have a power nap too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now John here had misunderstood the meaning of this 'new mom's room'. The room was intended for breast feeding women to be able to have privacy while pumping. I understood this quite early on in his story and &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; have stopped him from embarrassing himself any further. With this topic he could have potentially offended people as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you stop someone in a public or group situation like this, without putting his mistake in the spotlight even more?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or would putting the mistake in the spotlight give him a chance to set his argument straight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1681" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2020-01-09T20:40:45.313" LastActivityDate="2020-01-09T20:40:45.313" Title="How to interrupt someone while they are telling a group wrong/embarrassing information?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="17" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18387" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18265" CreationDate="2018-09-11T15:59:06.653" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Desperate times require desperate measures. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here I make assumption that your pooling buddy doesn't really react well to verbal pleads made in &quot;good will&quot;. And also due to their personality/identity/character your buddy fails to realize that this behaviour is not acceptable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically your buddy is getting a &quot;free ride&quot; and doesn't &quot;feel pain&quot; of being late or smth.  Basically we need your buddy to start feeling the &quot;pain of responsibility&quot;. And IMHO the best way to do it - to introduce &quot;financial responsibility&quot; or so it &quot;hurts financially&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking for .50$ per mile is pointless, as it doesn't really give you any advantage. Now when the person is late - they can claim that they pay you for mileage and you're still bugging them with being late and &quot;do not hold on to your side of responsibility&quot; (that would be cheeky, but some people don't have boundaries... and twist situations to their advantage...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea of @Kyralessa is good, but $6 for being late still feels like a free ride, plus actually the actual process of getting paid (finding notes, finding change, will be annoying and taxing to you). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would proppose, that you introduce &quot;carpool driver respect deposit&quot;. The deposit may be &quot;topped up&quot; in the beginning of the month. Your buddy gives you $100 as the deposit (yes, it can't be small money like $10). Remember that this money is NOT &quot;payment&quot; for the ride (you still hold the claim that you give them the ride for free and maintain leverage). The purpose of the deposit - is to give your buddy flexibility to be late when they want, but under given conditions and with the price to pay for being late. (Again, remember, that the ride is still free!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the interesting part: &lt;strong&gt;The Being Late Tarifs&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;every time buddy is late [1min-5min] from the deposit is deduced a $5 fee&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;every time buddy is late [6min-10min] from deposit deducted $20 fee&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;every time buddy is late [11min-15min] from deposit deducted $50 fee&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;[16min+] you can either just charge $100 or just take off&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose here is to use &lt;strong&gt;exponential raise&lt;/strong&gt; in tariff to drive necessary behaviour from your buddy:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you're little late (happens to all of us, once a week you can afford to pay $5)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you're late - shell out $20 and try harder next time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you're very late - well, the annoyance one feels shelling out $50 bucks for being late should make person feel the pain you feel when being very late.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also on shaming, etc. &#xA;Important part is that - you still offer the ride for free, so you have the upper hand. No one can have any decent arguments against you, as you're giving person free rides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's them paying for the &quot;disrespect&quot; or &quot;being late&quot; or whatever you prefer to call them. They're absolutely free to arrive on time and get free ride. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only &quot;iron rule&quot; you should define since the very early stage and stick to it: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No money in the &quot;driver respect deposit&quot; - no ride&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The argument you can make: &quot;You want a free ride - show me some respect!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HTH&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;ps. Of course such financial ways of motivation may look from first sight weird and awkward and shouldn't occur when people respect each other's time. But as I wrote in the opening: desperate times require desperate measures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21638" LastEditorUserId="21639" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T19:21:29.807" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T19:21:29.807" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18386" CreationDate="2018-09-11T16:06:37.077" Score="140" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this particular case, John is speaking in public. You see that he is going to embarrass himself tremendously. You want to keep the embarrassment to a minimum. And you don't have the luxury of thinking time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You start by saying calmly &quot;John, can I stop you right there.&quot; If he stops, you say &quot;Can we have a minute outside.&quot; And if he agrees, you take him outside and explain things to him. That's about the least disruptive and the least attention grabbing way you can do it. You need to get enough of his attention to make him stop after all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you said to me &quot;Gnasher, can I stop you right there.&quot; I would think &quot;he better have a very good reason to do this&quot;. I would also think &quot;maybe he &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; have a very good reason to do this&quot;. So the reasonable reaction for me would be to stay calm and follow you. If John behaves unreasonable, like shouting at you for daring to interrupt him in his highly important speech, then the result is down to him. Most people are reasonable and leave the room with you with minimum fuss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS. To Jerome: There is absolutely no &quot;demonstration of power&quot;. There is no power to take him outside. I explained how I would react to such a request myself, which is hopefully that I would assume that such an extraordinary request wouldn't be made without a very, very good reason. The person is absolutely free not to follow that request - and as a result, embarrass themselves. And the situation described was not about making a mistake. It was about a situation posted on workplace where someone desperately looked for help recovering from some outrageous embarrassment. The person asking for would have been glad (in hindsight) if someone had taken them outside. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T08:42:13.107" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T08:42:13.107" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18389" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-11T16:09:10.920" Score="8" ViewCount="1099" Body="&lt;p&gt;Growing up in a small town, I had one friend throughout my school years - we shared interests outside of the norm as well as certain difficult aspects of our family life, and even after we parted ways for further education (her going to a different country, across water) we somewhat kept in touch. That is to say, we didn't exchange messages much at all, but any time she was home (summer holidays and over Christmas most notably) we would meet and catch up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this time, a year after we finished school, she told me that she was diagnosed with a condition. To my knowledge, it is mostly incurable but is treatable, and can cause depression and low energy. I can't say for sure if this actually has any importance but I feel it might.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cut to 3 years after school - I graduated, and my friend was repeating her third year of university, with two still to go. My final year of university really took it out of me, having struggled with social anxiety and depression, which to this day are still an issue for me. I happened upon a job opportunity that would involve me relocating to the city my friend was studying in. I swiftly let her know it was an opportunity via text, and she seemed as enthusiastic as I was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The weekend I moved, we met up. Regrettably, I arrived an hour late to our rendezvous, and I worry that rubbed her the wrong way; additionally, I think the meeting ended on something of a sad note. I may be remembering it worse than it is, but I definitely came away from the meeting feeling quite morose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We haven't met since then, which is nearly a year ago now. Depression hit once again, and only exacerbated my inability to initiate conversations. As such, the messages we exchanged were extremely sparse - maybe one &quot;How are you doing?&quot; a month, which either went ignored on her end, or led to a few basic texts catching up, maybe once a season.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This didn't strike me as an issue until recently, when she indicated she'd like to meet up at the end of August in a text at the end of June. When the end of August came, I texted with another &quot;How's it going?&quot; and got no reply. Around a week later (a week ago now, start of September) I followed up saying that I hoped she was okay and that I'd love to meet up with her when she was free, and again heard nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, I've not been very popular, or good at making friends, so I treasure the ones I do have - I may just not be very good at showing it, due to my insecurities. She's one of the few genuine friends I've ever connected with, that felt more than just a &quot;friendship of convenience&quot; as I've become accustomed to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there anything more I can say/do to try to re-engage her? Or is this her way of cutting herself off from me, having found better friends? It's the living in limbo that's really hurting me - if I knew I could process and start to recover, but for now I'm clueless and hopeful. I've been considering actually calling her instead to more proactively engage her, but it's out of the ordinary for me, and I'd worry that it'd be rude to do it without warning like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry for the wall of text, but I wanted to give as much detail as possible! Am new here as well, so if I've done anything wrong, please let me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR - With depression as a possible factor on both sides, and after having texted occasionally with little response, how do I proactively rekindle a waning friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21615" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T15:53:31.683" Title="How to reconnect with my unresponsive childhood friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18391" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-11T16:23:13.960" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First you need to decide what you would want to do if he ran into financial trouble. Say he loses his job and can't pay the rent. You can help him out financially. Then you can explain to your wife why she can't go to nice restaurants, and to your kids why the can't have expensive clothes, and your money goes to your brother whose wife and kids have all those things. Or you can give him a loan, but going to a lawyer first who sets up a loan contract that will force him to pay back with interest, with consequences if he doesn't pay. Or you can give him nothing, which means he might lose his home. This is entirely up to you. None of these three paths would be wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should tell him that if he thinks he has you as a backup, he is completely wrong. (That's what you tell him, as convincing as you can. What you would do if he needed you is up to you). You have savings, but they cannot be used. They are the savings that you need to put your three kids through university, and to help them out when they move to their first own home. So if he thinks you would take any of that money that guarantees your kid's future, and spend it on him, he needs to think again. You can then remind him that he could have savings if he spent a little bit less money, and that he can't expect you to finance his life style. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as he sees you as the backup, he can see no reason to change his life style. So you must make sure that he won't see you as backup anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The paying you back for water bottles is just childish behaviour, and it is about pennies, which is nothing compared to the savings that he should have. He is trying to pretend to look financially responsible. That will stop soon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@David: There is very good reason not to hand over money: The brother could have just as much savings as OP with a different lifestyle, and the OP's wife and kids would be rightfully angry if he effectively financed the brother's life style. So that's not good. The OP could also ignore the brother's problems and not help at all. That's also not good, since it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; the brother. A loan in such a form that it will have to be repaid - sure, it's not good either. It's down to the brother that there are no good choices; OP will have to make what he feels is the best choice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If my brother got into trouble, I would help him out, saying &quot;here's the money, pay it back if and when you can&quot;. But then he hasn't been wasting his money all the time, so that's fine. On the other hand, two relatives have been marked as &quot;not a penny&quot;, but if they were in enough trouble, there would be a loan &lt;em&gt;with a contract&lt;/em&gt;. Because in my experience there is no such thing as a loan without a contract within the family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-09-11T23:01:32.017" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T23:01:32.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-11T16:35:51.537" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you mainly have a fundamental misunderstanding.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You're talking about having savings for emergencies, he's taking it as having savings for unexpected expenses.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You're just talking about fundamentally different things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to talk to him and make sure he knows you have &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; best interests in mind. You want him to save money so that he can provide for his family even in an emergency. You don't want him to save money so that you don't have to loan him any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12799" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T16:35:51.537" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18386" CreationDate="2018-09-11T18:38:33.657" Score="58" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly, when someone is dumb enough to jump in to complain about something they know nothing about, embarrassment can't be avoided.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this particular case, John's blunder could have been sidestepped as soon as it was clear what he was doing by using it as jumping off point to start discussing a point which has a little more merit, like &quot;Should we be calling it a 'new Mom's room' when it's only for breastfeeding moms?&quot;  In this particular case, since John was speaking from the viewpoint of someone trying to safeguard equal treatment, this would be a valid point to make, and pushing the conversation in this direction would have given John something relevant to talk about, rather than him having to fold up his presentation and sit down rebuked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T18:38:33.657" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18396" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-11T20:07:39.673" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;You got some variant of your message across. That's unusual with entitled people. Now you're trying to weaken the message. Don't do that. Accept the water bottles and soda bottles. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't promise to be there for him. You can quietly resolve, to yourself, that you are prepared to provide certain kinds of help if it's desperately needed, but why tell him that? Why undermine the idea that he needs to take care of himself as an adult? If it took your words, and his pouting and his soda bottles, to convey the idea that it's past time for him to be resonsible, then so be it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's not speaking to you. So be it. Let him pout. Maybe the pouting is the outward sign of him starting to grow up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wanted to avoid talking about your culture, so in my culture:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the time comes in the future when he asks you again for money, don't just hand it over freely. Don't buy him stocks. Don't give him ANY more money unless and until he is at risk of being hungry or homeless--and even then, don't give the money to him. (This is assuming that he does earn, or that he could choose to earn, a sufficient income that, if managed correctly, would allow him to support himself and his family.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he can't pay the electric bill, pay it directly. If he can't buy food for his kids, bring over groceries. If he asks you to pay the electric bill again, then demand full visibility into his finances, demand that he account for every single penny, before you give him money again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, adults don't account to other adults for their finances. If he wants the privacy of an adult, then he needs to take on the responsibilities of an adult, and start managing his own money competently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T20:07:39.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18373" CreationDate="2018-09-11T20:14:36.697" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell them all, including the employee, that after October 1, 2018, you will never again step in to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are taking responsibility for your parents' problem, and their employee's problem. As long as you take responsibility for the problem, they can treat it as not their problem, and they can delay solving it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they know that you are not a resource, they are motivated to start figuring out a solution. Maybe the employee has a friend who can help. Maybe your parents can find another employee who wants just a few hours a week. Who knows? There are solutions. But until you step away, your parents will never find those solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And don't find the solution for them. Part of the process needs to be making this their problem, not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was going to suggest that you offer to help a limited number of times, but I think that's a slippery slope--they will push you to do a little more, and a little more, and you'll be back where you started. You need to cut them off from your help, completely and permanently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T20:14:36.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18398" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-11T20:42:01.883" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;The main question is &quot;How can I stress to my brother the importance of saving when he relies on me as a safety net?&quot; - this answer approaches this indirectly by suggesting a way for OP to stop being a source of easy money.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My policy about money: I do not lend it. I either give it, or I refuse it.  I apply this to everybody (friends, family, strangers), and everybody who knows me well, knows that policy (I tend to explicitly state it - if someone asks me to lend them some money, I may say &quot;sorry, I do not lend money, ever&quot; - and then proceed to either give it to them (&quot;but here, keep it, you do not need to give it back.  In fact, I won't take it back&quot;), or leave it at that).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This solves all kinds of problems; and it could also solve yours. Sit him down, and have &quot;the talk&quot; with him - make sure that it's about &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt;, not &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; behaviour. Tell him that you are taking money out of the equation in your relationship. You will never lend him money at all, not a penny, nor 1000$. You will always either give it to him for keeping, or you will not give any; and you will reserve the right to freely decide which of the two it will be in every individual case. Also, reserve the right to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; explain or discuss why you did the individual decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This puts the whole pressure on him, and removes any pressure on &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;: if he, in his heart, is a good guy, he will feel bad/ashamed about asking you for money - he knows that if you decide to give it, it is a gift, and you will not take it back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, in the other case, he is a bad apple and would suck you dry over the long term, then you simply decide to stop giving when you feel like it, problem solved. No discussions, no explaining, just stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is definitely totally fine to alternate, or decide randomly or by gut feeling. As long as he cannot really predict or influence your behaviour (which would be him having control over you), anything is fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does this solve every problem in the world? Probably not. But it deftly gets rid of any implied pressure on you to give, or not give, anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="391" LastEditDate="2018-09-14T07:55:30.110" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T07:55:30.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-11T23:51:11.543" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't worry too much about the immediate micropayments / annoyance your brother has with you. Perhaps even separately stash whatever money you get from these transactions to return as a gift at an appropriate time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly they found themselves to be a fool unexpectedly and few take kindly to that, but it will likely wear off quickly if they're rational.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To get to the root of the problem and fix it, consider sitting down with him and working out a good savings plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he has never bothered doing any saving, he may not know how to start and simply having a second bank account and putting a reasonable portion of their income into it may be sufficient to get them going for themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4660" LastActivityDate="2018-09-11T23:51:11.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-12T02:53:35.360" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lots of answers here but I will be blunt: Your brother is not getting the message and when he says this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“I have you as my backup, aren’t you?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to respond firmly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Look, you are a member of my family and I am there to help you. But I cannot just give you money all the time. Family is there to help you for all of the other things besides money. If you don’t value that I have nothing to give you.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say this as someone who has had to say similar things in my life to family members over the years. And as cold as that might sound, my biggest regret in saying things like that is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; saying them sooner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Happiness and stability in life and in relationships is based on respect, boundaries and limits and it sounds like your brother has none of that and is straight out co-dependent which is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; a healthy place to be.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you say this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now he is not talking and micromanaging things. He is paying me back even water bottles, soda bottles.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So basically he is going from one extreme to another and—in the process—disrespecting you in a new way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time he does this kind of pandering stuff, respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Look, if you think paying me back for water and soda means something, do that. But this is not about money. You are an adult and you need to simply take care of yourself.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I don’t know anything past what you describe, but you need to really plan on a way of cutting him off. And you should not make money the crux of this action on your side, because it isn’t. You should be ready to say this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Look, I can’t deal with this. This is not about money. You are a full grown adult. You need to take care of yourself and you are simply causing me stress. I cannot deal with this from you so I think it’s best for you if I don’t contact you for a while. I need a break from this. When you get your act together, get back to me.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, it might seem cold, but that is the reality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You respect family. You want to have a healthy relationship with your family. But you cannot simply support your family in this way &lt;em&gt;even if you could afford it&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Co-depdency is not a relationship. It’s someone sucking the life out of you and emotionally abusing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T02:53:35.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18403" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18404" CreationDate="2018-09-12T06:14:56.597" Score="3" ViewCount="1489" Body="&lt;p&gt;I come from a very big family (31 first cousins) and I only see them about once a year since they live in Mexico and I live in Spain (I live alone with my brother, all the rest of the family is in Mexico). &#xA;One of my cousins is getting married in November, I get along with him very well but we rarely speak if I´m not in Mexico.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been thinking more and more of my GF as a long term partner, and since I only go once a year to Mexico I would like her to meet my family this November in the wedding. It´s a very good time since everyone will be there and I think they will get along with her nicely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to ask my cousin if it would be possible for her to come, but since we rarely speak and the wedding date is very close I really don't know how to approach this. I'm thinking via text would be better, since calling would probably be weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13099" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T15:42:34.810" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T15:42:34.810" Title="Asking my cousin to invite my GF to the wedding" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18404" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18403" CreationDate="2018-09-12T07:14:20.837" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Making last minute changes to a wedding can be stressful but by no means impossible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest if you can't see the bride and groom in person then the next best alternative is to call. Calling allows you to feel out the situation a bit and get out of the it if you need to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few pointers for the call:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to call when both of them are together as you don't want one making a decision without the other about their wedding&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't put them on the spot by requesting an immediate answer. Just ask and arrange to call back in a few days so they can see if it is possible. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give them a way out. You don't want them to think that if they refuse you, you won't be able to celebrate with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However weird calling might feel it is more personal than a text and you are making a personal request from them. You will get a better response in my opinion with a call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T07:14:20.837" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18405" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-12T11:01:01.100" Score="1" ViewCount="400" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just (again) discussed an interesting problem with a close (female) friend. She frequently gets angry at people for no good reason. She is aware of the problem herself but can't help it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, she is late for a meeting which the other party, fairly, frowns upon. This causes my friend to be very angry at that person. My friend knows that the other person has a &quot;right&quot; to be annoyed with her being late, while she herself has no reason at all being angry at that person in that situation but she can't avoid it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first advice to my friend was that she must learn to apologise and these days she is pretty good at apologising. She always gets back to people, including me, the day after and tells them &quot;it was wrong of me to be angry at you yesterday&quot; but this is exhausting for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we discussed how she can avoid ending up in these situations to start with. I think it is human to feel angry even when it is yourself that is to blame for the situation but I don't really know how I, or others, cope with it. It is kind of tacit knowledge. I can only tell her to &quot;analyse the situation rationally and if you realise it is your own fault, then shut up&quot; but that approach doesn't really work when the situation that triggers the anger is ongoing (obviously, when she has calmed down she can think rationally about the situations - that is why she is able to apologise later on).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you advise?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: the goal is to act more rational in situations when she gets upset. Sometimes it is justified for her to get upset (e.g., when someone else is late for a meeting) but frequently it is not. How can she learn to distinguish between these two situations &quot;in the middle of it&quot; (she is good at making that distinction later on when looking back on what happened but then it is too late)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3356" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-09-12T12:41:54.890" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T12:41:54.890" Title="Being angry at people for no good reason" Tags="&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-09-12T11:59:35.083" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18405" CreationDate="2018-09-12T11:39:36.080" Score="3" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Get professional counselling&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's usually the most effective way because the professional she visits can find the root of her problem before solving it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know many people who had the same problem, and some of them have overcome the issue by getting counselling. Some have lessened it without going to a counsellor, but none have solved it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, without special education and having our own feelings towards the person with an anger management problem, we can't stop projecting our own situation on the problem person, while counsellors are especially trained to perceive things as close to how they actually are as possible, and to find the very reason of her behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if she doesn't solve the problem completely, at least she will understand the underlying reason and be able to soften the consequences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1581" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T11:39:36.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18409" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18376" CreationDate="2018-09-12T13:48:40.337" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a mostly introverted person, i do not know the names of colleagues i have had courses with for over two years and i am okay with it. &#xA;For you it may be the most natural thing to ask someone how the vacation went,&#xA;for someone not as outgoing as you it is a bit blunt, like asking you out of the blue &quot;how is your love life?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to the getting to know them part of your question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start slowly, you can jump in with the topic of your lecture, the weather, it does not really matter, just nothing personal and do not expect a long answer.&#xA;Smiling is a good sign, even if their answer is not as you expect it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21557" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T13:48:40.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18410" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18389" CreationDate="2018-09-12T13:56:45.927" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As hard as this might be to read, I don't believe she is interested in being your friend because she would be reaching out to you and engaging with you if she was. The best thing you can do is to let her go. Wait for her to come to you and accept that she might not do so. It appears she has been, at most, polite towards you on the whole. The last thing you want is to appear pushy. That might build resentment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen many times people who have been my closest friends come and go. One was a work colleague I spoke with most days about all sorts. We met up regularly for lunch, helped each other with our personal issues, laughed and cried together. But I left that firm to work elsewhere and we soon lost touch, she responded less often to messages and the promises she made to catch up went unresolved. Which sadly is part of life. She will have her reasons but I don't need to waste my energy worrying about that. She knows where I am if she needs me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please try doing the same and let her go. Sorry. It's horrible but you need the energy for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21656" LastEditorUserId="21656" LastEditDate="2018-09-12T16:47:59.110" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T16:47:59.110" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18411" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18403" CreationDate="2018-09-12T16:39:02.750" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Events like weddings can be either &quot;assigned&quot; or &quot;open&quot; seating, and you haven't specified which this is.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assigned seating events are those where the host have precisely determined exactly how many people are coming and have to pay for a dinner for each, whether or not they show up.  These usually have guests seated at specific tables, so adding another guests can mean shuffling around everyone else to make sure everyone is seated, and also seated where they should be.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Open seating is less formal, and there should be plenty of seating for everyone. &#xA; Guests are meant to find their own seats, and will often serve themselves from a buffet table.  With open seating adding a few more people is usually fairly trivial -- the list isn't &quot;set&quot; so it's assumed that single guests may bring a &quot;plus one&quot;.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it depends.  If this is a formal event where the guest list was decided months ago, then you may ask, but be prepared to have your relations say &quot;no&quot; -- not because they want to be mean, but because it might mean &lt;em&gt;uninviting&lt;/em&gt; another guest (which should be avoided).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if it's an open event (not atypical with large families where they're never sure exactly who might show up, and they wouldn't want to offend some distant relation) they should be more flexible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with the other answer that calling them is probably best, especially since time is short.  If they're busy with the wedding arrangements, a text or email can be overlooked.  It can be simple yet diplomatic, something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi cousin!  Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I know this is last-minute but I was hoping to bring my girlfriend to your wedding so she can meet the whole family.  I understand completely if this would be an inconvenience, of course, but I just wanted to check if it was possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking &quot;is this possible&quot; gives them an easy way to say &quot;no&quot;, if it would be too much trouble.  It also gives them an easy way to say &quot;yes&quot;, as they may be enthusiastic about meeting your girlfriend, and it's always nice to have more people come to this kind of celebration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T16:39:02.750" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18412" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18386" CreationDate="2018-09-12T17:00:41.680" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;For such situations I like to wrap the missing bit of knowledge in a question, e.g. &quot;This is very interesting, John.  Would all of this continue to be true if mothers used the New Mom's Room primarily for breast pumping?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully the light goes on for John.  That is, the question hopefully makes him realize that he has misconstrued the purpose of the New Mom's Room.  By transmitting the correct purpose to him as a hypothetical, wrapped in a question, he can extricate himself from his predicament with a minimum of embarrassment.  (Although not zero!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the light does not go on for him, then he has bigger problems than merely misconstruing the purpose of the room.  At that point he would seem to be incapable of grasping the true purpose -- and who knows what else -- and so I'd say he's on his own at that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21661" LastEditorUserId="21661" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T18:13:30.923" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T18:13:30.923" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18403" CreationDate="2018-09-12T17:21:20.807" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I mostly agree with the key points in the existing answers:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't put them on the spot to make an immediate decision: Let them know you are interested in inviting your girlfriend and ask them to let you know at a later time if that is possible&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make clear that you are okay with their decision either way: Use language requesting whether this is possible&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge to yourself and in your request that this might be a big ask: Apologize for the proximity to the event and note that you realize planning something like this can be quite stressful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the decision of whether to call or text/email depends on your overall goal. If you want to increase the chance that your girlfriend is invited, a call might be more persuasive, but it also might put more pressure on the couple. A text or email is less intrusive and lets them decide on their own time. If you and your cousin are fairly young people (especially 30s and younger), the days of text being too informal for this type of conversation have passed (I say this from a US context; I can't know this is necessarily true in Spain/Mexico). Personally, I would rather receive a text communication when asked something like this while planning an event like this: it makes it less likely to make a hasty decision or even hesitant commitment without the other half of the couple's input, for example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also suggest that you &lt;em&gt;in some way make clear your girlfriend may not be able to attend&lt;/em&gt; (assuming this is the case and you haven't already asked her; you should wait to hear from your cousin before doing so) unless you plan for her to come regardless of her participation in the wedding (which you indicate you do not): it would be a bit of a faux pas to let your cousin make arrangements for a +1 and then you find out your girlfriend is unable or unwilling to attend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T17:21:20.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14108" CreationDate="2018-09-12T17:26:45.417" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;So as not to embarrass her, shift the embarrassment to yourself.  For example, &quot;Alice, I'm sorry, but I don't hear well out of my left ear and I'm missing a lot of what you say. Can you speak a little more deliberately?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, as you say, other people in the company have the same problem understanding her, then they will not believe you are actually hard of hearing.  They will instead admire you for your selfless tact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later, if you are alone with Alice, you can say, &quot;Thank you for helping me out.  I think some of the other people in the room had trouble with the acoustics.&quot;  Then she might understand that she's the problem, not your hearing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. If later on someone remarks that your hearing problems seem to have gone away, you can say: &quot;Yes, my ear was full of wax, and now that it's cleared out, I can hear like a dog!&quot;  No one will ever ask you about hearing again, once you hit them with a waxy image.  :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21661" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T17:26:45.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18415" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18386" CreationDate="2018-09-12T18:20:59.503" Score="98" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it was me, I might say something like, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John, you bring up an &lt;em&gt;excellent&lt;/em&gt; point.  Calling it a 'Mom's Room' is&#xA;  kind of confusing.  But calling it a 'Breast Pumping Room' sounds kind&#xA;  of awkward.  [Making eye contact with John and the other members of the group] What are some other names we could call the room where&#xA;  mothers can pump their breast milk for their babies?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So by deliberately misunderstanding and redirecting, John is complimented, corrected and embarrassment is mitigated. John is also given space to process the interaction: he can relinquish focus to the group while he deals internally with his gaffe or he can continue to be part of the conversation on his gently corrected course. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generalizing this approach:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Error:&lt;/strong&gt; John says something completely wrong in front of a number of people. So wrong that the rest of the group knows John is wrong. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Affirmation:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;John, you bring up an &lt;em&gt;excellent&lt;/em&gt; point.&quot;  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Misinterpet to correct:&lt;/strong&gt; Restate John's statement so that it's now correct. Pretend that this is what you heard John say. If you can, elaborate on your misinterpretation to both distract John from trying to &quot;correct&quot; you and to signal to the group that the topic has changed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Redirect:&lt;/strong&gt; Making eye contact with John and the other members of the group, ask a question about your deliberate misinterpretation, as open-ended as possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastEditorUserId="7377" LastEditDate="2019-09-06T17:24:12.180" LastActivityDate="2019-09-06T17:24:12.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7707" CreationDate="2018-09-12T18:27:19.850" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The following solution could work for you, but only because (a) you seem to have a deep, mutually respectful relationship with him, and (b) you have known each other for quite some time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, do not use this unless you think he can tolerate some teasing.  It also helps that you are not his disciplinary boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He: &quot;Sorry to be slow...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &quot;Joe, it's fine.  You know, it just uses more bandwidth and makes it slower if you apologize, which you have absolutely no need to do.  Tell you what, I promise that if I ever find you too slow, I will instantly tell you.  Scouts' honor.  But your part of the bargain is that, if you ever again apologize for being slow, I will send someone to cut off your left testicle.&quot;  To give him a chance to process this, add another sentence, perhaps something like &quot;I have some cousins in your city who used to work on a cattle farm, and they know exactly how to do it.  It won't hurt much, but there will be bleeding.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure this answer will be downvoted for its crudity, but before you do, recognize that, if the right relationship exists, this could be effective.  Humor is always a great tool, and hyperbole really helps memory.  He's going to remember this conversation 400 times as long as he remembers the Dunning-Kruger effect from an earlier answer.  And every time he's about to apologize he's going think about the image you left with him... and stop.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(And if he does slip out an apology, you can say you're going to send him some cheap towels for his cubicle... to clean up the blood if he does it again.  Everybody laughs, but the message gets through.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It goes without saying that if he has some disease or problem with his testicles, pick a different body part!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21661" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T18:27:19.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18199" CreationDate="2018-09-12T18:49:43.643" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;My sense is that direct questioning of the neighbors will raise their shields.  After all, they will have to live next to this landlord long after you are gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, instead, see how the neighbor responds to a sympathetic statement like:  &quot;So sorry about all that dog noise that comes from our house.  It's not my dog!&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the neighbor commiserates with you, you have your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21661" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T18:49:43.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18386" CreationDate="2018-09-12T19:16:28.787" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;For your example of &lt;em&gt;&quot;someone getting something technical wrong&quot;&lt;/em&gt;: Most of the time technical mistakes are irrelevant to the conversation, and no one else even realizes there's a mistake.  Since you want to avoid causing embarrassment, &lt;strong&gt;the best IPS option is to do nothing at all&lt;/strong&gt;.  Whatever they said will likely quickly be forgotten anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it really irks you, you could let them know privately later.  If they're the type who takes offense when being corrected, you could frame it as a TIL:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, hey, check this out.  According to this website, snargles actually &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; flurbulate. Neat!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in the original example where the person is saying something wrong that they &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; need to know about for the rest of the conversation, and/or everyone else already knows it's wrong, if they aren't prone to confrontation you can let them mostly save face by saying something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's a common misconception.  Most people think snargles snagify, but they actually flurbulate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shifts the mistake from them to &quot;most people&quot;.  They'll still probably be embarrassed, but significantly less than if you hadn't spoken up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; prone to confrontation &lt;em&gt;(eg. the type who refuses to admit when they're wrong)&lt;/em&gt;, there's basically nothing you can do for them without hurting your relationship.  Unfortunately in that case, I'd recommend doing nothing and letting them learn from their mistakes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3473" LastEditorUserId="3473" LastEditDate="2018-09-12T22:00:52.080" LastActivityDate="2018-09-12T22:00:52.080" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18420" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18421" CreationDate="2018-09-12T21:32:26.443" Score="4" ViewCount="856" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend of over 10 years hired me earlier this year to work for a major corporation making great money. She's my boss now and since then our friendship has not been the same. Oh, and did I mention she's now having a baby for my EX, which is why I think I got the job, she's feeling guilty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a very likable person and I allow people to be themselves with no judgment, and they love me here in the office. People she use to vent and complain about before my arrival aren't so bad, we all get along. I've been promoted already and things are looking on the up and up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On 3 separate occasions in front of various co-workers, she seemed so surprised that I was knowledgeable about certain people, certain current events, and topics. She would say, &quot;Oh, I didn't think you would know this!&quot; &quot;Oh wow, you know about that?&quot; &quot;I wouldn't expect you to know this?&quot; and then she wants to know why I like something as if I'm not privileged enough to be exposed to such things. Today I almost lost it, but I need my job!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, I didn't go to the best schools, nor lived in the best communities, or was raised by a rich family, but that doesn't give ANYONE grounds to insult me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I express this to my sensitive friend/boss?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21666" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T09:16:07.503" Title="How to address a friend/boss about how she speaks to me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18421" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18420" CreationDate="2018-09-12T21:46:26.883" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, I would recommend not working for someone that you know. Making friends with people at work/employers is fraught with much less peril than is becoming employed by or employing people you're already friends with. The fact that she is or was romantically involved with your ex only complicates matters further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But anyhow, you're there, so on to the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion would be to bring it up privately with her. Ask for 5-10 minutes of her time, bring up the subject generally, and then cite a &lt;strong&gt;specific&lt;/strong&gt; example. You can then mention that she says things like this frequently/often/occasionally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would pause before appealing to her emotions. Instead of saying, &quot;I think it's super hurtful when you say things like this,&quot; instead you might try something like, &quot;I realize that you didn't mean it this way, but can you see how someone might be offended by that?&quot; It's possible that the former approach might make her think that you're overly sensitive, whereas the latter allows her to come to the correct conclusion herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10744" LastEditorUserId="10744" LastEditDate="2018-09-14T16:04:59.453" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T16:04:59.453" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18423" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18389" CreationDate="2018-09-12T23:22:02.650" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Tell her what you're feeling.  Via text or email because it's less intrusive and allows her to to choose whether to respond or not.  Start with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm not very good at making friends, but I treasure the ones I do have - I may just not be very good at showing it. You are one of the few genuine friends I've ever connected with. So I'd like to know if there's anything I can do to keep you as a friend.  If you tell me 'No' or if I don't hear from you then I'll know that it's a lost cause.  I hope all's well with you and I wish you the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get no answer or a vague answer about getting together &quot;sometime&quot; or a flat &quot;no&quot;, then give up and move on.  All these are ways that some people say &quot;No.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastEditorUserId="7377" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T15:53:31.683" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T15:53:31.683" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18424" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18427" CreationDate="2018-09-12T23:23:58.570" Score="2" ViewCount="235" Body="&lt;p&gt;I forgot something important that the doctor I saw for a consultation told me. Would it be rude of me to email his practice and ask him to tell me again what I have forgotten? I paid a lot of money for the consult, so I think I am entitled to a little bit of courtesy help. But I am not sure. That's why I am asking here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21669" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T04:08:00.230" Title="Forgot something doctor told me during consulation" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-13T04:23:00.977" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18425" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18376" CreationDate="2018-09-13T00:06:29.383" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask them for a favor.&lt;/strong&gt;  Since you're in class together, ask for their help on an easy question in class.  For example, a due date on an assignment or a topic brought up previously in class.  Most people like to help other people.  It makes them feel good.  Do this a few times.  Thank them profusely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then after a question on class, start introducing little conversational gambits based on what you happen to have overheard them say to their friends. Don't be obvious that you've been eavedropping, that's creepy. Just if you've heard them talking about a football game they've seen ask about one of the players on the team. Something like that.  Or talk about the weather, the professor, the town.  Something safe that everyone has an opinion on.  Or compliment them on something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're doing is helping break down the conversational barriers that exist between strangers.  For many people it's hard to jump from pleasantries to conversation with a stranger because they don't know them.  Allow them to get to know you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if they reject your conversational advances, they're not going to be friends.  Look for other people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T00:06:29.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18426" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18376" CreationDate="2018-09-13T02:42:25.283" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is there any particular reason why you want a friendship with these specific people?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, I would say, move and try to befriend others. Friendly overtures are simply not going to work on everyone. Maybe they don't want to socialize where they go to school, maybe they're too busy to socialize--who knows?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do badly want to get to know these specific people, then you may want to observe who they are friendly with, and see if you can get a more formal introduction. I know that I'm not very comfortable with strangers who try to talk to me, even if those strangers have something in common with me, like work or a class. So you may need to make a connection through someone who is not a stranger to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T02:42:25.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18427" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18424" CreationDate="2018-09-13T04:08:00.230" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Would this be a relatively quick reminder/email, or an hour-long conversation/many pages of email?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's relatively quick, I see no issue at all. If it might take an amount of time similar to the amount of time taken by the original appointment, that could be an issue. But it's the doctor's job to tell you if you're asking for too much, so call in any case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T04:08:00.230" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18428" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-13T04:13:35.710" Score="6" ViewCount="997" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm currently in a new area of the business in what is somewhat a career change (from support to development).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been in this position for just over a year now, and when I started my boss wanted me to read a 800 page PDF on one of the software packages/IDE/platform that we primarily use. After reading it, he wants to send me on a course then get certified on it, but won't do it until I have read it and he's 'tested' me on some concepts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my previous role, I had learnt a great deal about this software already just by trial and error (and challenges), so when I read this PDF/Book I am struggling so hard to retain the information. I have never been able to learn anything this way, as I mainly learn by doing and researching certain things that I get stuck on, or from an instructor lead training.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boss has told me that I need to read this book/PDF and won't take no for an answer. There are no reasonable videos that exist anywhere for this software, which makes things drastically harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell him that I need help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21671" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-04T15:12:43.483" LastActivityDate="2019-03-05T07:48:31.720" Title="How do I tell my boss that I cannot learn the way he wants me to?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2019-03-05T12:33:21.830" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18430" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-13T04:38:29.223" Score="5" ViewCount="700" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 19, I just graduated in May. I'm planning on joining the Air Force soon but due to the state of my family, I feel some guilt about doing this and leaving my dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family has &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; strong addiction problems. My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic who had a physically abusive father and a schizophrenic mother. My mom and her siblings were taken from their parents and placed in foster care at very young ages (~4-6 years old). My mother often told me of how she was sexually abused and beaten, split from her siblings and other horrible things. My mother has been in a living hell since birth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sympathize with my mom because of this &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt;, she has formed a dependency on drugs and pills as a coping mechanism. My other siblings have gotten wrapped up in this addiction as well and my mom has used them as a means to get her &lt;em&gt;fix&lt;/em&gt;. Often getting them to bring her pills and drugs. In the same breath she tells them they shouldn't do it she's asking where they got them from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad, unfortunately, has watched his kids suffer for all of his adult life because of addiction and because of my mom's role in it and enabling them. My dad had his wild days in his 20's but now works 6 days a week and has for many years even now in his 50's. The only thing he does is work, sleep, eat and maybe watch a little TV. He grew but unfortunately, my mom didn't. They divorced after 15 years of marriage when I was about a year old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My older brother is in prison for drug-related charges and has been basically since I started high school and even still after I graduated. He had a child with a woman with severe addiction problems who barely sees her son on his birthday. There is no one to take care of my nephew except me and my dad. I've watched my nephew since he was 5. He just had his 10th birthday and isn't old enough to stay home alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My older sister, who's younger than my brother, is struggling with addiction as well and has been living with us. She had a daughter too with someone addicted to drugs who can't take care of their daughter. Her and my niece live with us as well. There's usually always an argument brewing because my sister is selfish and doesn't follow my dads' rules. He can't even give her money to go get some soda from the store because she'll take the change or just spend it on something else entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was buying her suboxone to help with her addiction but she started selling them and he's since quit. My sister has fallen asleep and forgotten to pick her daughter up from the bus stop a few times, almost overdosed in front of her, lies and steals from my dad and other things. My sister isn't reliable in any sense of the word and can't be depended on for anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point of this long question is that my dad has a whole lot of stress and problems to deal with. I've helped a lot with cleaning, cooking, taking care of my nephew and niece but I'm supposed to go into the Air Force in a couple months and won't be able to help him. My dad is getting older, he can't handle the stress like he used to. His health is declining and my siblings and mother are putting him in an early grave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He works nonstop and for the most part has been the &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; reliable adult in my life. He's the only reason my siblings haven't gone out and gotten themselves killed is that he's constantly wrangling them up and trying his best to keep them in line. He's just trying to make sure his kids survive and his grandkids don't have horrible lives because of their parents' choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel an immense amount of guilt leaving him with all these problems but he's told me repeatedly to not let him &lt;em&gt;hold me back&lt;/em&gt; and that he can handle it. He said he dreams of the day one of his kids &quot;makes it&quot; and has a decent life. I'm his only kid to graduate high school and he takes immense pride in that. And I plan on getting my degree while in the Air Force in Computer Science.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On one hand, I know he needs my help and on the other, I know that staying home to help would crush him. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; I'm going into the Air Force soon but feel guilty leaving him with all of the family problems we have. I don't think he can handle the stress and I think I should stay to help him. But he's told me repeatedly not to let him hold me back, he can handle it and to go anyways. Any advice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21674" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T04:38:29.223" Title="Should I leave my dad?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;abuse&gt;&lt;substance-abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-09-13T04:46:37.997" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18428" CreationDate="2018-09-13T04:56:03.033" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try working towards the common goal, not towards using the method your boss proposed to you. The common goal is for you to prepare for the certification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your boss proposed reading a lenghty PDF as his preferred way of learning, but if that doesn't work for you, find your own way. Talk to your him about it and present an alternative method of learning to him that you think is more effective for you. You will probably realize that it's not at all about reading instructions or tutorials, but about learning for the certification. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A possible alternative is using any and all information available &lt;em&gt;in addition&lt;/em&gt; to reading the PDF. You write that you primarily use this software, so install it on your computer and execute important steps mentioned in the PDF. Find a &quot;Hello World&quot; tutorial and work your way up to more complicated projects. Read about the problems people have with it in forums.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are any arguments about wasting time because you should just read, not type or click anything, you tell him honestly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That you're trying very hard to learn what he wants you to learn &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You've tried his proposed method of learning but it doesn't work for you. You think just reading alone wastes more time than hands-on practice.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You apply your own method of learning in order to achieve a common goal (getting the certification)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same argumentation can be used if you don't have the software installed on your computer and need permission or the setup to install it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey boss, I was reading the PDF you gave me, but I don't think its very useful to read all that without some hands-on practice. I'm afraid I'll forget too much of those information and it will take another year before I can get the certificate. Installing the software and actually executing the steps mentioned in the PDF would help me a lot to learn faster.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep the common goal in mind. It's not about reading a PDF, it's about you getting the certificate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T09:47:54.977" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T09:47:54.977" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18428" CreationDate="2018-09-13T08:59:20.363" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also moved into a more specialist area of ICT after nearly 2 decades working in support, so I can understand your situation very well. Support is such a wide field that is always changing. I often found myself in situations where I was under pressure to fix something I had never seen or heard of before, and so you develop the ability to quickly learn just as much as you need to solve an immediate problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That skill can transfer over to something like development and be very useful. I have managed to do what it sounds like you would prefer to - that is I have learned my new job skills whilst doing the job, incrementally. For example, I started by making amendments to existing code, so I'd Google for examples of what I was trying to achieve and by comparing that with what I was already starting with I was able to learn just enough to make the needed change. One year on, and I've built up enough knowledge to write stuff from the ground up. And my boss tells me that in his opinion I'm as competent now as anyone who has been here for years and years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, your boss doesn't seem to have the insight to see that you could potentially learn any other way than reading an 800 page document. Seriously, I don't know &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt; that could read that much continuously and retain it. You can't become a car mechanic by reading a Haynes manual. You can't fly a plane just by reading a book. I guarantee that the course your boss wants to send you on will not be pure theory, no practical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The interpersonal problem you have is that your boss &quot;won't take &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; for an answer&quot;. He has put up a roadblock to communication. The only interpersonal solution he will allow you to give him is going to have to begin with a &quot;&lt;em&gt;yes&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Once you have satisfied him then you're going to get sent on the course, where you can learn properly in a classroom environment with both theory and practical elements. The course is really the &quot;help&quot; you say you need to ask for. By the end of that, surely you will be as competent to the level he expects. So you really need to jump through this hoop for your boss, read the document, and &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; you will get the course you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To say &quot;yes&quot;, you've read it, you really are going to have to read it! But there are many different &lt;em&gt;reading strategies&lt;/em&gt;. If you are studying something intensely then you read carefully and this takes time. As I said previously, I don't believe anyone can &lt;em&gt;learn&lt;/em&gt; like that. When someone intensely studies a document it is usually a document about a field they are already skilled in - for example a historian studying a history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;skim&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; or &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;scan&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; the document. Get the gist of it. Try and retain the basics involved. You can legitimately say to your boss that you have read it, and if he quizzes you on it then you should be able to give some basic answers that will satisfy him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he asks you a very detailed technical question that you can't answer, then you could say &quot;&lt;em&gt;Sorry, it was a very long document, I don't recall that. I'm sure the training course will consolidate what I read.&lt;/em&gt;&quot; This may prove to him that reading in this way has limited value, and indirectly asks for the &quot;help&quot; you need. However, I'm fairly confident he &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;won't&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; ask you anything so detailed - most managers are not deeply technical themselves, and as you say he only wants to test you on &quot;concepts&quot;. A &quot;concept&quot; is really a very broad idea of something. You should be able to understand the concepts of this software by skimming the documentation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate I have made an assumption about how technical your manager may or may not be, but the fact he believes you can learn from reading alone suggests he has not learned it himself. There are countless management theories, courses and qualifications that teach people how to manage staff - but there are also numerous counter-theories that focus solely on managing computer programmers. Many people believe that the usual management strategies do not work with the personality types most prevalent among coders. You're technically minded, and you fundamentally disagree with your manager over a point which at the core is really about personality and abilities, so I can't really see that he can be all that technical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T11:07:07.040" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T11:07:07.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18434" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18389" CreationDate="2018-09-13T09:30:24.400" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having lived through some periods of depression myself I can tell you the reason for her not reaching out might not be that she doesn't want to be in contact with you. When I was going through it my mom had to send someone to my dorm to physically check if I was alive(on multiple occasions)  because I wouldn't pickup my phone or respond to messages or go to classes at all. You can imagine how low of a priority was reaching out to people at that point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can tell you it is a deep hole to climb out of on your own and in times like that it is the close friends that wouldn't take &quot;No&quot; for an answer and didn't care that they were pushy that helped me out the most. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that you should go to her house and drag her out and force her to talk about what is going on. Though that was very useful for me when my friend did that it is definitely not something that would work for everyone and might cause more harm than good in most of the cases. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do in your shoes is try to initiate contact again but put more focus on yourself than on her. I would tell her that you miss the times you used to talk to each other and you are going through some things and would really like to talk to her about them in person. If she still cares about you and your friendship she might be willing to accept. When you open up to her, she might be inclined to open up to you as well. It is generally easier to talk about other people's problems than your own, depression or not. If she doesn't want to maybe the other people that have answered are right and you just drifted apart a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just wanted to share my story and explain that not responding might not be so strange if the person is struggling with depression and shouldn't discourage you that much. You should be very careful though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T09:30:24.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18435" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5036" CreationDate="2018-09-13T11:34:45.403" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;it seems like you care about your mother so I would recommend helping her out and trying to ease her in this situation as much as possible (as much as you care). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to me like there can't be done too much about your grandma so if you care you can try helping her out somehow, if you don't care about her you should try getting her out of the house (that's what I would do) - she is not happy anyway and she poisons rest of the family, she also seems not to be sane so reasoning won't work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talk to your dad and mom about the problem - that's for sure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21677" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T11:34:45.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18436" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-13T13:04:38.423" Score="9" ViewCount="920" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Background&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been playing an online mobile phone game for about 3 years now. The game is about building a castle, an army, and you go and attack either other players or computer generated targets. In the very beginning, I had my own alliance and encountered a problem-player, someone who exhibited unacceptable behavior online. Rude remarks, constant belittling and verbal abuse from this player towards everyone in the alliance (but especially me) eventually led me to kick them from my alliance (which is the only way of blocking them from chat) and block their personal messages (which I have kept blocked since 2016).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few months after that I gave up my own alliance and with the rest of my members joined a bigger one, so I could count on more assistance when building and defending my precious online castle. This group was (and still is!) awesome. We're all either Dutch or Belgians in an age range from 13 to 76. They taught me how to play the game most effectively, and we meet up once or twice a year for a barbecue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Problem&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem player recently joined the alliance I'm currently in. I've immediately warned the current alliance leadership of my past problems with this player (they know all the details), yet we agreed that we would give this player a chance nonetheless based on recent in-game behavior indicating a change for the better. In the first few weeks, everything seemed fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But now this player is becoming a problem again, in both chat (which can't be blocked, but at least other people can 'defend' me there) but also by other behaviors towards me in the game that can't be handled by either the leadership or other players. Both the alliance leadership and I agree that their recent behavior is a problem &lt;em&gt;given our past interactions&lt;/em&gt;, yet no-one is really sure how to handle setting the boundaries for this player only.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As they're not a problem towards the rest of the alliance (yet?), we really like to try and set, and consequently enforce, a boundary specifically for them. The problem with doing this, however, is that some of the behavior I won't tolerate from this player, is okay with me when coming from others I don't have the same past with (because then I know it's just a joke, or will be followed up with constructive feedback for example). It's a bit like creating a boundary allowing one of my brothers to tell me in the most insulting way they can come up with that my hair looks really bad today, but at the same time disallowing the other brother from even looking at it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have already tried telling them to stop what they're doing again, but it was received with a 'You're just being a drama queen, you're singling me out, if someone else is allowed to do this, I demand to be allowed to do this too. You're seeing malicious intent when there is none, leave me alone and take your grievances someplace else'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That caused quite a disturbance in the group chat, most regular players are willing to help me without knowing the full story of our past. The leadership knows about my past, and they all want to help me set and enforce a boundary too. Yet there is a minority of people that definitely feel like I'd be wrong setting this boundary for this player alone (including the player, there are about 3-4 very regular players in this group, who are not necessarily more 'vocal' than others).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Question&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Everyone in this group is used to be treated equally by the leadership. We've never had the leaders (or other players) set boundaries/rules for a single person. Setting the boundary will indeed single this one player out,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The alliance leadership definitely wants to set and enforce this boundary for this single player too, is keen to help me, but wants to keep the confusion and discord within the group to a minimum,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rules and decisions made by the leadership are generally received well and obeyed without question since their rules/decisions are applied to all players equally. In this case, not everyone in the group feels it is fair to set this boundary for a single person, and people have already protested as such,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Kicking the problem player from the alliance will be done, but only &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; an attempt at setting and enforcing the boundary has proven to fail as well,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to deal with setting and enforcing a boundary for a single person within a group that's used to be treated equally?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T10:16:52.050" Title="How to set and enforce a divergent personal boundary for a single problematic person in an online group of people?" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18436" CreationDate="2018-09-13T13:57:01.343" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact is that, well, not everyone acts the same, and the boundaries that need to be set, depend on &lt;em&gt;how they act&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're setting boundaries &lt;em&gt;for&lt;/em&gt; that individual &lt;em&gt;based on&lt;/em&gt; your experiences with him. This is normal. He's choosing to cross them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used to be in a small group of friends who used to play a boardgame that was mostly played by a mix of teenagers and 30 something year old males. My group was &lt;em&gt;kinda oddly mixed&lt;/em&gt;, about half female, half male, and well... I lost interest cause the folks who helped run events didn't deal with folks who made things &lt;em&gt;less fun&lt;/em&gt; by minmaxing, or worse, rules lawyering on their feet...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And my friends quit after that cause some of the players were sexist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I might have been ok with, as a 18 year old male, was different from what my female friends were ok with. They had different boundaries. Likewise though, as a core group, we probably were more in tune with each other and probably had different boundaries than the broader community would have had.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even online - in well run communities, as someone in a position of trust I need to try to be aware of the boundaries and comfort zones of at least my core userbase and better yet &lt;em&gt;complete strangers&lt;/em&gt;. This is trying my best to be a decent human being. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, this comes down to &quot;Tink is not comfortable with Random J Dude doing this thing&quot; and &quot;Random J Dude should respect that&quot;. Its fine to set &lt;em&gt;those&lt;/em&gt; lines and &lt;em&gt;expect&lt;/em&gt; those to be respected. To me, there's no long process - just a matter of setting expectations &quot;Hey, I'm not comfortable with that&quot; and expecting them, within reason to be respected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2745" LastEditorUserId="2745" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T14:03:23.040" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T14:03:23.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18438" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18428" CreationDate="2018-09-13T14:17:02.270" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can understand your problem, talking to and convincing your boss can be a daunting task. But i see a problem&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have been in this position for just over a year now&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine you are the boss, and someone comes upto you &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;after a year&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; tells you he/she doesn't feel like one year of studying &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;a single pdf&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; isn't helping. He/She will need special training or hands on experience. how would you feel? Do you see a problem?. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you had told them sometime earlier he/she might consider. But after a year, IMHO don't think trying to convince them is a good idea. I might've misunderstood this point, but if this is the case convincing them otherwise will fully depend on he/her personality and might end up harming you. Now way of going around this.Remember there is a second view, your bosses view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometime as a developer, you cannot expect tutorials or video blogs to exist and your team might not have the budget to hire a trainer and classes. I some times had to work with even software help manuals due to lack of tuts or docs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This answer might not be what you were expecting but your best bet it is to &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;just finish the PDF&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;. This even might be a test to see if you are worth the training and certification spends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;imagine you have to teach&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; from this pdf and do a presentation, how would you prepare? do the same way. Some time learning to teach, makes you ask the right questions and helps you compress the info a lot quicker. Try getting a sandbox environment and ask you colleagues/boss for small problems you can fix or try local exercises on(the pdf might have these).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can understand the pressure from doing a career shift and i might've misunderstood your problem completely. But the best way to prove/grow yourself is just getting stuff done, by hook or crook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5279" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T14:17:02.270" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-13T14:31:07.693" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The issue is obviously that you are afraid for your own family and its financial security. From your description it is clear that you believe if your brother is hit by a financial emergency, he will have to rely on you due to having no savings of his own, and that will endanger &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; financial security, and thus your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should have stated it in such terms. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Man, you are my brother and you can count on me. But here's a but: I have a family too, man. My first responsibility goes to my family. My emergency reserves are for my wife and my children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you need advise about how to build up an emergency fund? I struggled with it myself in the beginning until I figured it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T14:31:07.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18440" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18445" CreationDate="2018-09-13T15:05:49.217" Score="19" ViewCount="6141" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in a small team in a smallish company. Every so often, one particular member of the team will say they will do something (typically unrelated to our job such as buying a card for someone who is leaving, or moving used mugs from her desk to the dishwasher, etc.) but a week later, this task will still not be completed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to remind them to do these tasks with phrases such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you getting X, or shall I just buy it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But such phrases are normally shot down with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Don't buy it. Also work on your people skills and be less rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, I'll do it in a bit&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I remind them to do these tasks without coming across as rude, impatient, or passive aggressive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I found &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1307/how-can-i-remind-someone-to-do-a-task-when-reminding-them-makes-them-less-likely&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt; question, which is similar, but I think only really applies to a closer type of relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21682" LastEditorUserId="7440" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T22:55:08.140" LastActivityDate="2020-08-28T11:41:24.557" Title="How to remind someone to do a task that they have forgotten about?" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18441" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18428" CreationDate="2018-09-13T15:10:18.607" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I would do: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Read the contents of the document. Cherry-pick and read the bits I think are useful/interesting, plus play with the software as much as possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask boss for test, expect to fail it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Using the questions that I failed, use them as a guide of what I have to learn (if you pay attention to what was asked, then you'll have a better idea of may get asked the 2nd time around), or if the test felt especially unfair, use it as ammo to prove I need extra help. If I passed, hey course, here I come. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There'd be no way I'd read an 800-page instruction manual either. That's a reference document. If the course is expensive, that's probably why your boss wants you to be more than ready before doing it - so the company doesn't have to pay for the test twice. So yes, I'd likely cheese the task, or refuse it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing I've done for videos (my bane), is pawn it off on someone else, and have them talk about it. The trick here is to pick the right person who'd watch it and actually find it interesting and then naturally talks about it (for you this may take the form of removing snippets from the book and giving them to an interested party). Or I'm going to have to wait for a point I'm mentally ready and take notes - taking notes helps a LOT with absorption. Just reading won't necessarily help - you either need to be interacting with the thing being mentioned, or writing down a summary of what you've just consumed. And you won't remember everything - humans don't. Don't beat yourself up if you don't remember it all in one go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a topic that isn't working out for you, then there's the option of discussing it with your coworkers. You don't have to mention The Book if you think they'll grump at you for it - but you might be able to do things like &quot;Oh, I was having issues with the debugger the other day, can you show me how that works?&quot; or &quot;I saw  in the IDE, do you use it? Is it good?&quot;. Depending how enthusiastic the people are around you, it might be possible to get bits of their time to help you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12110" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T15:10:18.607" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18440" CreationDate="2018-09-13T15:47:43.863" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you tried putting a deadline on the task, either explicitly or implicitly?  Instead of saying &quot;Will you buy a card for someone?&quot;, try saying &quot;Will you pick up a card for coworker by Friday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sets the expectation that you expect the task will be done in a certain amount of time, instead of leaving it open-ended. It's less ambiguous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Story time:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have used this technique many times in work situations. As a developer, I frequently service requests from non-technical end-users.  i.e. &quot;can you add feature X to the application&quot;.  Once the work is done, I would let them know &quot;hey, I have added it, can you go test it out in Development and let me know if its working for you?&quot;  What would happen is I would never get any feedback and/or they would never test the feature.  The feature would end up getting pushed to production anyway.  To compound matters, they would come back to me weeks and months later saying &quot;feature X didn't work.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, I'm required to have them complete their task, because I can't do it for them.  Only &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; can tell me if the feature is working as they expect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what I started doing is saying things like &quot;hey, feature X is completed. It needs to be tested by Friday or we'll assume you are signing off on it.&quot;  When I started doing this, I noticed that they would start marking the &quot;due date&quot; in their calendars or otherwise getting back to me fairly quickly, often the same day or the next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By setting an arbitrary deadline, you are communicating, in no uncertain terms, the time frame in which you expect this task to be completed.  In my case, I was also able to communicate the consequence of NOT completing the task within that time frame, which was they would be signing of on something they hadn't tested or even looked at.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21079" LastEditorUserId="21079" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T17:22:54.843" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T17:22:54.843" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18222" CreationDate="2018-09-13T16:39:00.823" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;All good answers.  Here's another trick you can try. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of my upbringing I speak very directly and confidently and I sometimes step on people's toes. So what I do to counteract that is act the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead of saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your teaching style needs a lot of work because [x]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I'm confused.  I see you doing [x] but I don't understand why. Could you help me understand how [x] would help me teach students?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case I might say (a couple of times, not every time):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm autistic so I have trouble understanding personal interactions sometimes.  It's like I'm a Martian.  How would you explain to a Martian like me how [x] helps teach students?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases, in the ensuing conversation I would make as few declarative statements as possible.  I would continue to ask clarifying questions in a respectful way until either the person realizes their mistake or someone else jumps in with feedback. Or you find out that what that person is doing is correct now that you understand the reasoning behind it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people are confronted in a way that emotionally engages them, they revert back to little monkeys. Little monkeys are concerned about dominance and fighting to maintain dominance. This is hardwired into each human brain.  So you want to avoid emotionally engaging them and avoid confrontation that could be emotionally interpreted as attacking them to establish dominance.  Then you're engaging the modern rational human.  Emotion is left out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need more help in respectfully engaging in feedback by asking questions, I suggest you study the Socratic Method and Socratic Dialogs, which will also be handy for your teaching.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T16:39:00.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18444" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18452" CreationDate="2018-09-13T16:55:16.577" Score="4" ViewCount="1225" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes my SO makes a statement that they find funny for obvious reasons, but I don't find it funny at all, and in fact slightly offensive. It's a statement meant to engage me in conversation, like &quot;why does this exist?&quot;, so it's difficult to ignore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My usual response is to continuously ask them what the funny part was until they realize that I don't find it funny. However, I don't think that's a good approach to use with someone I'm supposed to have good communication with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to talk to my SO about how they would expect me to react to what they were telling me, but they were &quot;confused I was asking for guidance about a basic social skill.&quot; I was stumped at how to reply at this point, and gave up the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What would have been an appropriate reaction that let the conversation continue while still letting them know I did not find it funny?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to acknowledge that I understand what they're saying, and show that I don't share it, but then move on without being offensive. I find the &quot;I don't find that funny&quot; to be too blunt, and it opens an opportunity to ask why I don't find it funny, which would extend the uncomfortable conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21684" LastEditorUserId="7440" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T22:00:09.853" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T01:22:38.013" Title="How to react to unfunny statements made by significant other?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18445" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18440" CreationDate="2018-09-13T16:56:21.887" Score="17" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;are you getting X or shall I just buy it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your coworker may have been rubbed the wrong way by this as she could interpret it negatively in numerous ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm being accused of not doing my task&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm being accused of being forgetful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This person thinks they're better than me because they think I need help with something so simple&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This person has more time on their hands than me and I resent that&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We can't control what other people think but to prevent assumptions, we can define more of our intent and reason(s) for inquiring:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, did you get a card yet? Just want to make sure we get one in time before (person) leaves.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Would you be able to move the mugs to the dishwasher sometime today?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally it sounds more polite if you frame your request to look like a favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also pose a rhetorical question or casual comment depending on your dynamic and her sense of humor to act as a reminder:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't know we had so many mugs&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Are these mugs multiplying?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Where are these mugs coming from?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Should we try to be discreet when signing the card?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Wouldn't it be funny if someone just wrote &quot;Happy birthday&quot; in the card?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she continues to avoid doing the tasks I would avoid intervening if the tasks are small and personal to her (not moving &lt;strong&gt;her&lt;/strong&gt; mugs, &lt;strong&gt;her desire&lt;/strong&gt; to get a card for someone leaving, etc.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T16:56:21.887" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18446" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18444" CreationDate="2018-09-13T19:27:16.133" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to make jokes and references, which my wife would completely miss, because she'd never seen the movie or TV show. It's great way to introduce your SO to a classic movie (Pulp Fiction anyone?), TV show or book. Other times, I would make a joke that just rubbed my wife the wrong way and vice versa. It's import to understand what offended the other person, apologize and find some compromise A healthy relationship means that you have to learn what the other person's comfort levels when it comes to comedy and other topics. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a couple of ways to respond to you SO:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why is that funny to you?&lt;/strong&gt; Asking this question should force your SO to explain why they're laughing. If they respond with &quot;But it's so obvious!&quot; or similar, respond with &quot;It's not obvious to me. I am not you and I want to get to know what you think is funny.&quot; (Note: &quot;But it's so obvious&quot; is a rude response, but I recommend addressing that in a separate conversation.) Now your SO should start to unpack the joke. If not, they are the ones lacking in social training.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't find that funny.&lt;/strong&gt; Responding with this is more rigid, but sometimes necessary for offensive jokes. This is meant to tell your SO that they said something offensive to you. You may have to explain why you're offended. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T19:27:16.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18444" CreationDate="2018-09-13T19:32:52.790" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can definitely relate to your situation - my SO and I have rather different tastes in a number of things, including humor and socio-political views. Most of the time we get along (six years and counting!) and we do have good, thoughtful conversations about our views, but sometimes he says things that cross my personal lines - for example, using a word that I find particularly offensive or an off-color joke that I felt went too far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this takes place over messaging (i.e. text-based medium), my go-to is usually:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;SO: Did you hear about foo? Blah blah... &lt;em&gt;something I disapprove of&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  me: :/&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  me: Yeah, I heard about foo, &lt;em&gt;continuing conversation&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Emoticons and emoji&lt;/strong&gt; are great to convey attitude without having to actually type it out. We frequently use them in our texts, so it's natural to use them to convey mood in these situations as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is in person - like the emoji, &lt;strong&gt;a quick frown and shake of the head before continuing&lt;/strong&gt; is usually enough to convey my feelings. Body language is a great way to communicate things that you don't want to actually talk about, because you're expressing yourself without actually verbalizing and giving them words to respond to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is saying &quot;Ok... anyways,&quot; before continuing the conversation. This is another way to signal acknowledgement (&quot;Yes, I heard you&quot;) but still that something is wrong (long pause), without actually saying that directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or sometimes I would write (or say) something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;me: Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but, &lt;em&gt;continuing conversation&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which again &lt;strong&gt;recognizes what he says, but dismisses it and moves on&lt;/strong&gt; before a discussion can be started (unless he chooses to circle back and ask why - but since we've known each other this long, he's probably aware of what it is I don't approve of already).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(&lt;strong&gt;Side note:&lt;/strong&gt; although you say you'd like to avoid discussing why you don't think it'd funny, I do encourage you to have that conversation &lt;em&gt;eventually&lt;/em&gt;. While there's nothing wrong with choosing your own place and time for it, it's important to be able to communicate openly for a strong relationship. In my own relationship, although we don't agree on everything, it works because we still trust each other to have a respectful discussion about things that are troubling us.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T19:39:53.297" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T19:39:53.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3092" CreationDate="2018-09-13T20:02:26.853" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A common response among German-speakers when confronted with someone who is learning German is simply to reply in English.  Since it's common, the speaker will just assume you're doing the cultural default.  If the speaker presses you, explain in English that you speak a dialect of German that even many Germans don't understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first you do what's expected.  No confrontation.  If that doesn't work you place the blame entirely on yourself.  If the speaker continues to press you, explain that you are late for an appointment or need to make a phone call and must leave now.  Yes, it's a little lie but lies like this, &quot;little white lies,&quot; are a common technique of etiquette. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T20:02:26.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18450" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18428" CreationDate="2018-09-13T21:32:05.713" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question as asked:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would talk to your boss about &lt;em&gt;what he wants the end result to be&lt;/em&gt; and not about the process he assumes you will take to get there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that it's unlikely that your boss truly cares if you read the manual or not. What your boss almost certainly wants is for you to be &lt;em&gt;highly competent with the software&lt;/em&gt;, and the information required to achieve that happens to be in the manual. If your boss began testing you, and you passed all of the tests he posed, do you think he would care if that knowledge came from reading the manual versus some other method?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also seems that the certification course would have some value in, you know, teaching you the stuff in the manual. Why does he want you to be an expert on the software prior to enrolling in the course?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you want to talk to your boss about this, those are the sorts of questions I would ask: what do you want me to be able to do &lt;em&gt;in the end?&lt;/em&gt; If you are unwilling to interact with the manual at all, the conversation is about having the task reassigned to someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Slight frame challenge:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your boss wants you to be competent with the software, and the only real avenue towards that is the manual (&quot;there are no reasonable videos available...&quot;), what other options do you imagine you have? Failing to become an expert with the software is equivalent to just not doing the job assigned to you. I don't know of a reasonable IPS answer to &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead I suggest using the manual to collate information in a way that is &lt;em&gt;more useful to you&lt;/em&gt;, not just read it and (apparently) hope to memorize it as you go. If you read and annotate the manual you can end up with things like lists of functionality, glossaries, step-by-step instructions on how to do various tasks, etc. And you have a reference document which is better for you than the manual itself. I have done this myself for dry software documentation. You could also use your notes to plan and execute learn-by-doing style activities so that you can better retain the information in your preferred mode.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you can satisfy your boss and also accomplish what he has assigned to you by using a reading of the manual as a starting point, not as an end in itself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is overwhelmingly what I advise in this case. If you can't get the required expertise from anywhere else, and you won't interact with the manual at all, how can you possibly complete the task assigned to you? Then it's about having the task reassigned to someone else, or else it might be time to polish your resume and have a different conversation with your boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T21:32:05.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18451" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18300" CreationDate="2018-09-13T21:43:34.287" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Practice&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Myself and some siblings have had this issue where we'd like to connect with others but couldn't stand the trivial meaninglessness of small talk. Unfortunately, that is where all of the deep, meaningful talk comes from - as, if someone isn't comfortable sharing the small stuff with you, there won't be anything bigger. Social intimacy/closeness is something that is built from little to big, bit by bit over time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to practice. There are many situations in life where you or someone else is stuck in a situation with time to kill. Maybe you are waiting at an airport. Maybe you are being checked out by a cashier. Whatever the situation is, consider starting a small conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Learn to listen to what they are saying. As you start to listen to others, your world begins to expand past yourself to include more people, and your world gets bigger. Because you care about the person, you care more about the small stuff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5840" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T21:43:34.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18452" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18444" CreationDate="2018-09-13T22:48:18.223" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You cite two goals in the comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My goals are 1.) avoid engaging in uncomfortable discussion of topic and 2.) reduce frequency of comments&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that your two goals oppose each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you avoid engaging, then you risk their not learning that you don't appreciate their comments, and they may very well just keep making them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your desire to avoid offending is admirable, but they're your SO. There are times in your relationships (especially in close ones) where you will need to have uncomfortable conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like you say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't think that's a good approach to use with &lt;strong&gt;someone I'm supposed to have good communication with.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't avoid these uncomfortable conversations, because then you will end up putting up with things that you don't want to put up with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tolerating leads to resenting.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is supposed to be the person that you may spend the rest of your life with. If you have a problem with their behavior, you should bring it up to them. Yes, it may be uncomfortable, but you need to do it for your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have several options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the joke is simply unfunny, but not particularly offensive, you don't need to make a big deal about it. You could just not laugh and let it go, or ask what's funny about it. Over time, your SO may adapt to your sense of humor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find your SO's jokes offensive though, you may take a different approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not laughing or asking what's so funny about it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an option (though it contradicts my point above about communicating with your SO). It is certainly possible that your SO will adapt to your sense of humor and stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your SO doesn't though, which seems to be the case given what you stated, then just stop them after the joke and directly, but calmly state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but I don't find those types of jokes funny, and in fact find them a bit offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(You can then clarify what you find offensive about it if you want)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, the ball is in their court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they apologize and don't make jokes like that again, then mission accomplished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do, then bring it up again, but this time cite their past jokes as backup:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, look you've made jokes like this before (1, 2, 3, etc.), but I just don't find that type of humor funny (because...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, don't lose your cool and take it out on your partner, and focus on the fact that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't find it funny rather than &lt;em&gt;they're&lt;/em&gt; not funny. Prefer &lt;em&gt;I'm offended&lt;/em&gt; to &lt;em&gt;you're offensive&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, again, the ball is in their court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, you can't really change people, or at least you can't expect them to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot force your SO to have a different sense of humor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may choose to compromise and avoid jokes that offend you (which is obviously a win for you), or they may chose to not compromise and do what they want. If that's their choice, then you have to decide for yourself, how important is it that they don't make jokes like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is this something that's worth breaking up over? If yes, then break up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's not, then &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; might have to compromise and allow them to make jokes like that. It's not ideal, but it's sometimes how these things go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But at least you'd have brought it up and not let resentment build inside of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7440" LastEditorUserId="7440" LastEditDate="2018-09-13T23:58:12.443" LastActivityDate="2018-09-13T23:58:12.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18453" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18444" CreationDate="2018-09-14T01:22:38.013" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another possible approach is to simply ask &quot;Who was that for?&quot; in a very neutral way so there is the possibility your partner might realize is is for them, personally, and not for you. You might be able to go a bit further if they use &quot;I'm confused&quot; as a way to ignore feedback by saying &quot;those kind of jokes are really just for you. I like you but I can't agree with you on this one.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, it is very important to make sure they know who you are for them in a positive way first. Something like &quot;You are my life partner and I love you. When you say stuff that is really only for you it can really bother me. What can I do from where you sit to be able to tell you when you've said something that bothers or embarrasses me?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, this is the key thing, whatever they say is the truth. If they say &quot;Nothing. &lt;em&gt;It is your problem&lt;/em&gt; for being too sensitive,&quot; that is their truth and make up your mind about that. If they tell you to do a specific thing to alert them, then commit to doing what they say will help and take it at face value - do the exact thing and if they care they will follow through and stop it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever they tell you - get the communication by saying &quot;Got it.&quot; and if you have a rebuttal say &quot;Got it. And...&quot; For example: &quot;Got it, and here's how this occurs for me - you say stuff that leaves me wondering if you value how I feel about you.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get that every time they make a sarcastic or negating crack they get you to pay attention to them. Even if &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; know the attention is negative not everyone is very distinct about whether attention is helpful or hurtful to them in their relating with others. I personally gave up sarcasm in my communication style (I have a lifetime in tech and it gets rough and cynical sometimes) and taking sarcasm or perceived sarcasm out of our communications created a massive improvement in talking with my life partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They really do love and care about you and at some level they have a belief that this is a way to test your love by seeing if you will put up with them being ambiguous or judgey. It is an act. It occurs a lot with perfectionists and we know there are a lot of them in coding and tech careers. I encourage you to give it a try and see what happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21689" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T01:22:38.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18454" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18222" CreationDate="2018-09-14T02:32:13.250" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've received lots of (correct, IMO) feedback about what you're doing wrong in raising your concerns, but you asked about how to ask for feedback in a different way, so I'll address that part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Outside of close-knit communities, you cannot expect all members of a group to do something that is outside the bounds of normal conventions of politeness.  Even if you say you want direct, frank feedback and not to worry about being impolite, you're putting the other people in the group in an awkward position if there's ever anybody in attendance who you isn't already clued in.  You're asking Bob to be blunt with you, but Alice (who wasn't there when you made the request) sees Bob being a jerk.  That's not fair to Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, you are asking everybody else to take on a burden before, apparently, you have done what you can on your end.  Requests for special accommodations generally work better when people see you making the effort.  In your case, you can't understand things like facial expressions, so you should try to put more &quot;checks&quot; into your participation.  When you give negative feedback (which you should improve per the other answers here) and aren't met with &quot;thanks, good idea&quot; or the like, correct immediately -- say something like &quot;I'm sorry, was that too blunt?&quot;.  Don't wait for them to tell you; assume you might have erred, because it's happened often before.  And if they say &quot;yes&quot;, be extra-careful in what else you say for a while.  Show that you're trying to do better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People have limits to what they're willing to change and according to your question they're already aggravated.  So my last piece of advice is: find &lt;em&gt;one person&lt;/em&gt; in the group who's willing to work with you and give you some coaching and feedback.  One person in my social group has a very annoying habit and has a &quot;buddy&quot; with a special hand signal that means &quot;you're doing it again; stop it&quot;.  People who know know, but causal onlookers wouldn't notice anything special.  The key to making this work is to internalize one thing: in the moment, the mentor is always right.  Later, privately, the two of you can discuss and deconstruct what happened, but if you need this kind of help then by definition you can't evaluate the situation on your own, so you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; be willing to trust the person you ask to be your mentor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T02:32:13.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18455" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18436" CreationDate="2018-09-14T04:31:33.410" Score="5" Body="&lt;h2&gt;The Alliance Leadership gives them an official warning&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A warning system is very popular because it accomplishes exactly the issue you are describing: It allows authority to create boundaries targeted at an individual while still using a universal and fair rule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lets take a look at how the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.planning.vic.gov.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0023/5873/7_Enforcement.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Australian Government handles official warnings&lt;/a&gt; for comparison:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If the responsible authority believes on reasonable grounds a person has committed an&#xA;  offence but in considering all the circumstances, decides an infringement notice is not appropriate, they can serve an official warning&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the &lt;em&gt;Alliance Leadership&lt;/em&gt; believes on reasonable grounds that the &lt;em&gt;problematic person&lt;/em&gt; has committed an offence, but considering that it is &lt;em&gt;multiple minor offences&lt;/em&gt; they decide that &lt;em&gt;kicking&lt;/em&gt; them is not appropriate. So, they serve an official warning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As detailed in the document, one of the main uses for official warnings is exactly the use you are looking for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Issuing an official warning can also be used in negotiating compliance&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Negotiating compliance&lt;/em&gt;... ie. Establishing individual boundaries&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;How should the alliance leadership introduce and enforce warnings?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, it is up to them to customise the system to their own needs. The document I linked is for law enforcement and although its a great example for the ideas behind, and reasoning for warnings.. the application is likely too ridged for an online game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, the Alliance Leadership may prefer to just talk about it over chat whenever necessary. An interesting middle ground I've experienced in other online communities is to have a publicly available link for what behaviours constitute a warning, what that warning means, and what you should/can do after getting a warning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;How to respond to people worried about &quot;unfairness&quot;?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This reaction is normal enough with any new rule. Fortunately it is not a big deal because official warnings are (when handled by responsible people) very fair. Since your community already has a positive opinion about leaderships fairness it should not be a difficult conversation. Just calmly explain what the warning means, and give some extra focus on what it means for THEM.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Don't worry, this does not mean that you will suddenly be kicked for making a stupid joke. Joe in Leadership is very fair and he will only give out a warning if someone truly deserves it. Even then you still would not get kicked because its just a warning.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps it won't be enough to properly console them, but with time and a history of fair applications of the rule, the warning system should be integrated into your community without a hitch. After all, giving someone a warning is by no means a completely foreign idea, its so popular its almost expected in online communities nowadays, at least as they expand and become more established (which it seems The Alliance is on its way to becoming).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T04:31:33.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18436" CreationDate="2018-09-14T06:58:57.017" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yes, you're singling them out, but it's fair. You see, the two of you are building two opposite narratives: they are saying that their acts are the same of everyone else&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if someone else is allowed to do this, I demand to be allowed to do this too&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;whereas you say that they actually aren't the same:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;because then I know it's just a joke, or will be followed up with constructive feedback for example&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, you're judging the singling out by their narrative, which incidentally is exactly the one that bullies use with teachers in school (&quot;What did I do!?&quot;). But here's the thing: one act or phrase cannot be judged without a &lt;strong&gt;context&lt;/strong&gt;. The phrase &quot;Hey gorgeous&quot; can be told to a girl by her friend seeing her in a new dress or whispered by a random man following her, and it conveys different meanings and feelings. So don't let their narrative mask the context. From what you've written we can gather these differences in context:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Recidivism&lt;/strong&gt;: they have already proven that they're a problem player, whereas the others are &quot;clean&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ill intentions&lt;/strong&gt;: they supposedly &quot;joke&quot;, when the context tells that they're speaking seriously. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Destruction&lt;/strong&gt;, so to say: they provide critique, but without the &quot;constructive feedback&quot; part. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure that there are many other differences that can be detailed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this light, their behaviour is &lt;em&gt;not the same anymore&lt;/em&gt; as the other players! With this in mind, go to the leader and explain them all these differences in context, so that they can use them to set a boundary. Their equity plays in your favour, of course, because they can explain that the group is still treated equally, but it's that one player that is not behaving with you like the others. Needless to say, the warning must be specific to the single unacceptable behaviours of that player and not to their whole conduct; it will be the leader's job not to make them feel excluded from the community. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6808" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T06:58:57.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18457" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18436" CreationDate="2018-09-14T08:56:20.970" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/18456/1583&quot;&gt;LinuxBlanket&lt;/a&gt;, there shouldn't be a problem in singling this user out. But the leadership may still be hesitant to create specific rules for this one player, or to treat them in a special way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; should certainly be allowed to set different boundaries with different players, and these boundaries should always be respected. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If we look at what the problems seem to be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A (formerly) abusive player interacts with another player that they used to harass, against that second players wishes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or more generally: A player interacts with another player in a way that the second player doesn't like.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It shouldn't be that difficult to formulate a rule against this. This rule wouldn't just be for this one specific player, but for all players. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Players who have behaved inappropriately towards another player in the past may not interact with this player in a way that is against their wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or more generally:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We sometimes like to joke around and tease each other. This can be fun and in good spirit! However, if a player asks you not to interact with them in this manner, you need to respect their wishes. Please respect other peoples boundaries. Repeated violation of this rule will result in a ban.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking players, &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; players, to respect each others boundaries shouldn't be controversial, or be seen as attacking a specific player. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1583" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T08:56:20.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18436" CreationDate="2018-09-14T09:57:55.147" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The atmosphere in your gaming group sounds a lot like mine. Insults are thrown all over the place and no one takes offense. Usually. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have a rule:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If someone tells you they don't appreciate you interacting with them in a certain way, stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like most members of your community follow this rule without it being outspoken, except for your problem player.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We stick to this rule religiously. A single warning only, after that it is a kick. We have rarely needed to remove someone, but it has happened. And it's okay to allow different things from different people. LinuxBlanket has a &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/18456/12101&quot;&gt;great example&lt;/a&gt; in his answer about the phrase &quot;Hey gorgeous&quot;. That can be a compliment, a joke or just plain creepy, depending on context (read LinuxBlanket's answer for more about context, he explains it better than I could). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My old roommate once explained it to me like this. I was her roommate. I couldn't be her friend. I had seen her on her best days, on her worst days, dressed nicely, dressed in pyjama's, with beautiful make-up and with no make-up. Friends were not allowed to see her on her worst days, in pyjamas and wearing no make-up. But I was, because I was not a friend, but a roommate. I thought her explanation was odd at the time, but I'm getting it now. We have different relationships with different people. You don't need to put a label on them, like she did, to do this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't treat all people the same and we don't need to. What you accept is up to you and that can be different from person to person or even day to day. You can decide this person is not your [insert label] and doesn't have the right to joke with you like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend going with a rule similar to ours. It will give you ammo next time he interacts with you in a certain way. Should he complain, you or the leadership can explain to him that it is up to an individual to decide how much they take from another individual. Perhaps a phrase like this would help if he really doesn't take the hint?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I only let my friends talk to me like that and you are not my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="12101" LastEditDate="2018-09-14T10:16:52.050" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T10:16:52.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18459" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-14T11:22:39.637" Score="2" ViewCount="251" Body="&lt;p&gt;A relative of mine is doing me a favor. I didn't ask him for it, he offered it, but I'm genuinely happy that he wants to do it for me. He promised me to do it this week, but today he sent me a message telling me that he didn't have time this week due to some stuff going on in his office. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm completely fine with that, it really isn't something urgent and in the end he's doing me a favor, so I'm sure not going to complain if it takes some time. The problem is that I don't know how to word this properly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal:&lt;/strong&gt; I'd like to communicate to him that it's really fine if it takes some time and that I really appreciate his effort, without pressuring him or anything like that. Ideally someone would make an example how such a message could look like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21699" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T11:22:39.637" Title="How to respond to someone being late with a favor" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;instant-messaging&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-09-14T14:30:24.823" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-14T18:19:36.620" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The savings you describe as having belong to your kids, to your wife and to you. They are there to provide security for future. Your brother needs to understand that if a time comes when he will ask you for money, you will have to chose between your children and him. I think he will understand if you chose your kids over him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that after the current situation cools down (you need to give it some time), instead of telling him what to do, explain to him why are you saving and what for. Talk about your plans for your children, for your immediate family, etc. Treat him as equal and ask for advice from him, even though you know what to do. You need to make him feel like a person who is in charge of his family and their future and that people depend on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will always be a safety net for him however, since you are his brother, but make him understand that you will be there only in case of serious events, and contribute with the minimal amount that wouldn’t jeopardize your family’s future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15739" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T18:19:36.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18461" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-14T19:58:54.697" Score="3" ViewCount="233" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the comments section on this &lt;a href=&quot;https://scifi.stackexchange.com/questions/194787/is-there-a-depiction-of-superman-where-he-is-an-african-american&quot;&gt;question&lt;/a&gt;, someone took offense at calling african-americans black (because not all blacks are african). Then took offense at using the term african-american (because the question was about black people, but specifically pertaining to Americans), so they suggested that &quot;black American&quot; be used as an all-inclusive term to describe people with dark skin in America.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a white American, this immediately set off alarm bells in my head. The term &quot;black American&quot; sounds like the kind of thing I would never think of uttering in public. (I can picture the dagger glares already. I can hear the angry follow up responses. White progressives are &lt;em&gt;mean&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is &quot;black American&quot; an acceptable term to refer to all black people in America, even those who are not ethnically African?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could it be that it sounds like dog whistle and that is why I instinctively am against it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17350" LastEditorUserId="17350" LastEditDate="2018-09-14T20:07:51.770" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T20:07:51.770" Title="Is &quot;Black American&quot; an acceptable term in the US?" Tags="&lt;language&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-09-14T20:08:14.537" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18462" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1671" CreationDate="2018-09-14T20:21:54.607" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I use every other term other than skin color or ethnicity to describe a person. As a matter of fact, I haven't had to use skin color as a physical descriptor since I was young and didn't know any better.  If it really is difficult to distinguish between two people on the basis of location, role, clothing, height or weight, I describe eye color and hair color/quality.  For hair quality, I &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; use the term &quot;nappy&quot; which is derogatory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastEditorUserId="7377" LastEditDate="2018-09-17T18:00:30.240" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T18:00:30.240" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18463" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-14T21:21:09.023" Score="4" ViewCount="316" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a former co worker say something I was offended by. (I’m African American and he’s Caucasian.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told him to be careful wiping down the mantle over a fireplace because it was hot and I didn’t want him to get burnt. He proceeded to wipe it off, looked over at me and said &quot;well at least if you get burnt they won’t be able to see it&quot; and kept walking.  I was speechless an sick to my stomach. I let my manager know. They talked to him and he was never disciplined for it at all. He apologized and said he would never talk to me again, which I said ok, thank you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple days after that he said &quot;how are you doing, Janet Jackson?&quot; I already felt uncomfortable working with him. I informed my manager again they talked to him and he continued to work there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I have done something different?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21707" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-09-14T22:44:48.433" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T23:19:02.193" Title="How do I deal with a coworker who keeps making racist comments?" Tags="&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-09-15T00:17:35.533" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18463" CreationDate="2018-09-14T22:40:49.957" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Reporting the incident to your manager was the correct thing to do. Not escalating the situation was the correct thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time he says something racist, report it to your manager. If you feel your manager is not doing anything, go to HR and report it to them. It is important that there is a paper trail that explains what happened and how you responded and how others did not respond. (HR won't do anything, but the paper trail is important)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond that, it gets difficult. However this question will likely get closed, so wazawazawoozle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17350" LastEditorUserId="17350" LastEditDate="2018-09-14T22:48:17.120" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T22:48:17.120" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18463" CreationDate="2018-09-14T23:19:02.193" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Going by your two quotes, this seems to be an individual who tries to be funny but fails miserable, and who isn't very good with words. You were offended. Do you think he intended to offend you, or is this something that can be explained with verbal clumsiness? Some people come out with the stupidest things all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would generally recommend to expect the best from people, if they say something that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be offensive give them the benefit of the doubt, don't take things to heart because you never know how it was really meant, and get along with people. And when you learn that this was wrong, that he is indeed trying to insult you or worse (which might be due to race, or sexism, or he might just be an a**hole who doesn't like your face), then come down on him like a hammer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But whatever happens, don't let it affect you. If he insults you, you should feel anger with him, not be affected by it yourself. An insult towards you doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it means there's something wrong with him. If something similar happens, tell yourself &quot;I'm fine, he's the one with the problem&quot;. You will feel better for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's easy to say in hindsight, and much more difficult when you are in the situation unprepared, but when he said  &quot;well at least if you get burnt they won’t be able to see it&quot;, the best reaction would have been to say &quot;what do you mean by that?&quot;. The answer would have given you a much better understanding of the situation. He could have said &quot;I think that came out wrong, what I really meant was (something totally harmless)&quot;, or he could have said something totally racist. But either way, the situation would have been much clearer. As I said, much easier to say in hindsight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-09-14T23:19:02.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18468" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18472" CreationDate="2018-09-15T11:43:09.843" Score="84" ViewCount="23984" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: my partner and I are in our late twenties. We have lived together for about a year. He does maybe 20% of the housework, arguing that I have more free time because I work fewer hours. When he is not working or sleeping, he plays a mobile game or watches YouTube videos.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind him being lazy. The problem are his childish temper tantrums. Some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I suggest going out, he will agree. However, when the time comes around, he will find something to criticize about me, for example, I look stressed or complain that we're late. He will either go home, or if we have tickets / can't back out, will sulk the whole time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example is I'm lying on the couch reading a book. He will come to me whenever he likes and demand that I give him attention right then. If I don't submit to his requests, he'll be angry and I'll have to come to him and apologize. If I try to let him cuddle me and continue reading, he'll position himself in a way that blocks me from reading. If I'm on the pc he'll pull me away and whine until all my attention is on him. This does not happen all the time, he does allow me to do things alone. But it will happen on most days, unless he's already avoiding me as part of a tantrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He does not see this behavior as a problem. Predictably, when I try to talk to him about it in a calm moment, he'll have a tantrum right then and refuse to talk to me for some hours or days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's behaving like a two year old child. But techniques for dealing with child tantrums (distract him, pretend everything is fine, talk about the issue later when he's calmed down) don't work on him, because he recognizes what I'm doing and feels disrespected. How can I deal with these tantrums in the moment, and how can I make my partner understand that he needs to take some responsibility and learn to deal with minor disappointments without a huge overreaction?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4613" LastEditorUserId="4613" LastEditDate="2018-09-15T11:55:17.557" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T08:46:37.907" Title="How to defuse or prevent an adult temper tantrum" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-15T13:40:13.940" Score="160" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you have something else going on here.   Reading through this: he agrees to go out, but then is angry about something small.  He makes disrespectful demands on your time and then misbehaves when those demands are not met.  He won't discuss issues because he &quot;feels disrespected&quot;.  He refuses to talk to you for days.  He makes demands for affection and insists that they be met to the point of being (mildly) physical and demands that YOU apologize for not meeting his demands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those aren't symptoms of a childish tantrum.  Childish tantrums are about one thing, rage for a few minutes to an hour, and then subside.  Children as a whole don't rage for days.  I don't think the issue is the tantrums as much as his behavior toward you as a whole.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to propose that you view this as something else.  This is consistent with abusive behavior that I've seen toward abused women I've known.  And if it's consistent with the  behavior I've seen and heard of from these women, it's going to slowly get worse.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to deal with this?  You confront it and refuse to let it control you.  Abusers rely on power to control, which he is trying to do with you.  In the end, you absolutely have to recognize your own power in this relationship and exercise it as well.  That doesn't mean &quot;get caught in a power struggle&quot; but &quot;achieve balance&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of that balance is to not let this behavior control you, even if it is a tantrum.  Keep this in mind: behaviors &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; continue if they achieve a goal.  If a behavior is unproductive, it will eventually stop.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he sulks when he's agreed to go out, don't let this affect you.  &quot;I see you're not happy; that's fine.  We've purchased tickets and I'm going to go to the show.  If you're not in the mood, you can stay home and I'll catch up with you when the show is over.&quot;  You're not responding; you're not arguing.  You're refusing to let this behavior control you.  You're exercising your own power.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I understand you're not talking to me; I'm sorry to see that.  I'm going to go to the library to read; I'll be back in a couple hours.&quot;  &quot;I see you're angry about something and not talking to me.  I'm going to have coffee with some friends.  I'll be back around 2&quot;  Again, you're not making demands on him; you're not responding to the behavior - you're refusing to let it control you and being empowered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have already recognized that his behavior needs to change; one can't stay in this kind of relationship not based on mutual concern and respect.  And he needs to see that you have options and will exercise them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-09-15T13:40:13.940" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18470" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-15T14:13:37.080" Score="9" ViewCount="2284" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m going on a first date tomorrow with a guy I matched with on a dating app a few days ago. In these past three days, I found him texting a bit more than I’m used to and it has caused some concerns for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is how should I tell him  that I prefer to text less without hurting his feelings on the first date?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My expectation:&#xA;Since we have set a date to meet, let’s just text to figure out the logistics. Maybe check in the night before or the morning on the day of. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His behavior:&#xA;He would text me three, four times a day every day and seemed to expect more than just checking in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: &#xA;Today he started a trip and texted me to figure out when and where to meet. After we agreed to meet tomorrow somewhere, I thought the conversation was over. However, in the next 2 hrs, 5 hrs and 10hrs, he texted me again sharing pictures of his trip and asked me how my day went. I replied and he followed up with more questions. I felt a bit obliged and tired. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My concerns:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I do not think I can do this every day. I’m not a person who’s always on the phone. My work is busy; When I’m free I like to engage in fun activities or enjoy some me-time. (See my expectation as above) &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible that we have different needs for personal space? For me texting that much is something I’d probably only do with my boyfriend, where there is naturally a lot to share and communicate on a daily basis. But with a guy I just met, I’d expect to interact mostly just on the dates we’d go. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some context if it matters:&#xA;- We are both in our early 30s. I am and he seems too to be looking for a serious relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL; DR: matched a guy on a dating app. He texted a lot, I didn’t like it. How to communicate that on our first date? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastEditorUserId="15507" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T05:31:47.820" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T05:31:47.820" Title="How do I approach my date about texting less?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18471" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18470" CreationDate="2018-09-15T14:40:15.557" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me like he feels your relationship has already started. He's sharing his day with you and showing you that his expectation for a relationship is that you will at minimum be interested in these every-few-hours updates. (It's possible the trip is unusual and that in a normal three-day period there would be less to give you updates on.) He may also be wondering why you are not texting him about what you're doing and how much you're looking forward to the date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel you would text like that with a boyfriend, then consider the possibility that he just already considers himself to be your boyfriend now. After the date, if you agree, then you won't have a mismatch on texting levels. But I actually hear that you don't want to text that much with anyone. If that's the case, the general approach is not to reply quickly, and to include cues in your reply like &quot;I was in the pool&quot; or &quot;I had my phone off while I was reading&quot; or &quot;I never answer texts in the middle of the night&quot; (these &lt;strong&gt;do not&lt;/strong&gt; need to include apologies for not replying more quickly) so that he learns your preferences by example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-09-15T14:40:15.557" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-15T15:06:54.430" Score="88" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are two huge keys to toddler tantrums. The first is understanding what causes them, and preventing that (not the tantrum, the trigger.) For my kids that meant making sure they did not get hungry. For many kids it meant not letting them see things they weren't allowed to have, or not keeping them out past the time they needed to be asleep. The second is not letting the tantrum work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've described two different scenarios with your partner. The first is that he sometimes doesn't want to stick to plans to go out, and he tries upsetting you as a technique for not going out. My daughter used to upset me terribly on the way to skating competitions. Like telling me I was taking the wrong route to a place we had never been before, or criticizing my driving when she had not yet learned to drive. I came to understand this was born of her fear of the competition and not aimed at me personally. It's possible your partner is nervous about these events -- what to wear, what to say to people -- and that an open discussion about them would be very insightful for you both. (It's also possible he's a rude selfish jerk, I'm not saying there is only one explanation for what you see.) So when he starts insulting you right before it's time to go, you can ask something like &quot;are you ok with going to this thing tonight?&quot; and if he says no, ask &quot;what is that, is it something I can help with?&quot;. You might then end up at &quot;how about I go to represent us both and you don't have to?&quot; (Introverts are often super happy with this solution.) You might end up at &quot;would it make more sense to do this next week instead?&quot; or who knows what, you can only find out by communicating. Here you are diverting the &quot;tantrum&quot; as you call it, (though I apply that to out of control screaming and physical movements, not considered insults followed by days of sulking) to a discussion of why he doesn't want to go after all, and what the two of you as a couple can do about that not-wanting right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second scenario involves him coming into a room while you're occupied, and being rude until you pay attention to him. I think he feels ignored and rejected when you don't acknowledge he has come in, and don't appear to care whether he comes in or not, so I suggest preventing that emotion from rising in him. Let me suggest something to you that you probably feel is counter-intuitive, and that some commenters are going to say is pandering to an abuser or the like. Try it for a few days or a week. When he comes into a room, stop what you're doing. If you're reading, don't just lift your eyes from your book: put a bookmark in it and put it down. If you're doing something on the PC you can pause, pause it, take your hand off the mouse, and turn your back to the screen and look at him. You're in a relationship with this person. You love him, right? Smile. He has just come into the room. It's good to see him. You like him. Let him know. He may want to have a conversation, or ask you to do something with him, or he may just want to do something in the same room as you. You can go back to the book or the PC in a minute or two. If you routinely do this &lt;strong&gt;before&lt;/strong&gt; he gets all crawly-on-you-put-himself-between-you-and-the-inanimate-object-he's-jealous-of, you'll have more control, so you'll be happier. You'll be reminded you actually care for this person, so you'll be happier. And he'll probably be happier too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to do that, because in fact your day does not get better when he comes into the room, then perhaps his fears (that you would be happier not living with him) are in fact correct, and you should look into what it will take to separate. But give it a try first and see if you both cheer up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Does this sound like I'm apologizing for him or excusing horrible behaviour? I don't intend to. The behaviours you describe are &lt;strong&gt;not okay.&lt;/strong&gt; But telling someone &quot;if you keep treating me like that I will leave you&quot; will not in fact stop them treating you like that. It's entirely possible that the horrible behavior is coming from fear, worry, stress, insecurity, and the like. And since you call this person your partner and are committed to them, one of the things you may be able to do is lessen those feelings and help them feel secure and cared for. This &lt;strong&gt;may&lt;/strong&gt; improve their behaviours dramatically. Again, you're not &lt;strong&gt;causing&lt;/strong&gt; the rudeness and sulking. You're not &lt;strong&gt;responsible&lt;/strong&gt; for it. But there are things you can do that may, by changing the underlying emotions, fix the behaviours. May.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-09-15T15:06:54.430" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18473" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18505" CreationDate="2018-09-15T15:09:08.297" Score="1" ViewCount="1059" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend and I have been friends for many years. We've traveled together, grown up together (since our early twenties) and her family and I are close. It's important to me to maintain this friendship - I love her, and we've been through a lot of ups and downs and supported each other through rough times and celebrated good times. She and I don't live in the same city, but we talk on phone frequently and visit/travel together at least 3 times a year. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've noticed that lately, when we hang out, she sometimes acts unfriendly. She can be blunt to the point of hurtful with people she's close with (myself and her family). This seems to be &quot;normal&quot; with her family (at least, her parents have never expressed surprise or hurt when she has been what I consider &quot;rude&quot;), but it's not ok with me. Last year after a particularly rude comment I took some time to calm down and told her that I didn't appreciate the way she was talking to me. It was hard but we had a good conversation and she apologized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problem is, she can sometimes still be curt, rude, and disrespectful in her tone. It's just a general lack of softening her words... for example, she interrupts me and doesn't always consider my point of view when making decisions. It gets to the point where I feel that I am &quot;walking on eggshells&quot; and I'm not even sure (from her tone) if she likes me - but then I think, this is crazy - we're such good friends! Have you ever hung out with someone who is &quot;hangry&quot;? It's kind of like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She mentioned to me once that she had to practice &quot;softening&quot; her approach with colleagues because her manager spoke to her about her coworkers being &quot;afraid&quot; of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I tell her I need that softened approach, too - without putting our friendship on the line?&lt;/strong&gt; I need her to know I value her friendship, but that her behaviour seems to indicate that she doesn't like me, or that she doesn't value my opinion. I know she &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be friendly on a consistent basis - I see it when she interacts with people she's not as comfortable with! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Particularly, I am struggling to find ways to use &quot;I&quot; statements when what I want to say is, &quot;You can be rude and disrespectful. I don't appreciate being interrupted. When we are traveling I need you to consider my point of view, even if it is 'less convenient' than making your own mind up&quot;. How can I say, gently,  &quot;you're not friendly with me sometimes and it hurts&quot;? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12198" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T15:07:36.000" Title="How can I ask my friend to... well, be friendlier in the gentlest possible way?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18473" CreationDate="2018-09-15T16:14:55.833" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you were getting close when you mention &quot;I&quot; statements. But specifically you need to avoid making direct judgements about her. &quot;You can be rude and disrespectful&quot; is an example of this. Statements like this somewhat subjective. While many people may agree, you say her family tend to be this way. It could be rude for many, but maybe just normal for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I'd suggest is addressing it when it happens, but do so by focusing on how you feel. An example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you do X, it makes me feel hurt (or upset, or whatever you feel). We've been friends for so long, I know you aren't trying to be hurtful, but I can't help how it makes me feel sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there you could bring up what she mentioned about needing to soften up her speech at work and even offer to be her &quot;social coach&quot; and poke her when she sounds harsh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear you're not accusing her of any bad intent, but just hoping to help others see the good things you obviously see in her. Nobody is likely to try to change if they feel attacked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21715" LastActivityDate="2018-09-15T16:14:55.833" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-15T18:09:27.283" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I have you as my backup. Aren't you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How difficult is it to say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;No, you don't&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is difficult but it is the only clear way for him to understand that he is on his own. He is an adult, has responsibilities and, sometimes, one needs to learn the hard way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he wants to be childish by paying you back water - go for it. It will take time but he will understand that you will not help him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he needs money do not give it to him. It is likely that this will be the missing bit gone for clothes or fancy lunch. He will survive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second or third or fourth time when you still just do not give him one rupee he will realize that he is on his own. &lt;strong&gt;The important part is that he will learn on non critical cases&lt;/strong&gt; (it is not like he is dying and needs money for an operation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also mean that your relation will be tense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2018-09-15T18:09:27.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18477" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-15T18:16:02.873" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was a teen I met a Young Friend, who told me,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll '&lt;em&gt;discuss&lt;/em&gt;' anything with anyone. :-) But if it turns into an '&lt;em&gt;argument&lt;/em&gt;' I'll say, &quot;You're right!&quot;, and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMO it's not &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; job to control his behaviour, to evoke adult behaviour from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far as I know, this (&quot;walk away&quot;) may be good advice for &quot;defusing or preventing&quot; all forms of abuse in a relationship -- i.e. also violence, alcoholism, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may also be something odd or unhealthy about the relationship, or his view of it, that encourages or permits or reduces him to behave that way -- but I think it's impossible to say what that is given (based on) only your (one-sided) description of the relationship. So another possibility might be &quot;therapy&quot; or &quot;couples' counselling&quot;, a.k.a. &quot;marital counselling&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/18468/how-to-defuse-or-prevent-an-adult-temper-tantrum#comment74857_18468&quot;&gt;this comment&lt;/a&gt;, perhaps too there's some emotional or relationship skill that he didn't learn from/with his parents -- unfortunately I don't know how to supply a lack like that ... except to model (i.e. demonstrate) appropriate adult behaviour yourself (loving behaviour, if it's that kind of relationship), and see whether he responds accordingly, and if not then &quot;govern yourself accordingly&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the risk of being off-topic, see &lt;a href=&quot;https://buddhism.stackexchange.com/q/7488/254&quot;&gt;this topic&lt;/a&gt; (about choosing a partner): including &lt;a href=&quot;https://buddhism.stackexchange.com/a/7760/254&quot;&gt;this answer&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://buddhism.stackexchange.com/questions/7488/any-authentic-sutta-from-any-tradition-that-gives-guidance-on-what-kind-of-partn/7760#comment10749_7760&quot;&gt;this comment&lt;/a&gt; (i.e. that a partner is not a child).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you ask it may be that he feels he's not getting enough affection from you (or as you said, &quot;attention&quot;). Meanwhile you're calling him lazy and childish, and complaining about the housework.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess this relationship isn't really going well for (doing good for) either of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you ought to split up, or get more in-depth relationship advice than can be managed on a Q+A site like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also think that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;During a relationship breakdown, both parties (rightly or wrongly) blame the other, have their own grievances.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It would be unskilful for me to &quot;take your side&quot; (or to take his) in the argument, to blame him based on what you said -- e.g. to confirm your view (&quot;yes you're right: he's lazy and childish&quot;) -- although even more wrong to deny what you said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming you're right (i.e. that your description is accurate), even so I'd expect that the behaviour you describe may be situational rather than inherent -- i.e. that it's a reaction to, a result of, this relationship -- not the behaviour which he produces in every relationship (I guess it's not how he behaves at work, for example). But I can't diagnose the relationship dynamic at this distance, based only on what you said (and, you imply, neither can you).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Sulking&quot; is a symptom or example of a communication breakdown&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A couples' counsellor might, if you both consent, try to facilitate two-way communication -- not by taking sides especially (&quot;yes he's lazy&quot;) but by &quot;setting boundaries&quot; -- or as a nerd might put it, by defining a &quot;communications protocol&quot;, such as, &quot;wait for your turn, you have to listen to her while she's talking&quot;, or, perhaps techniques like &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;I-messages&lt;/a&gt;&quot; and so on ... but, I don't know, I think there are many schools (techniques, philosophies) of relationship counselling&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you can't agree on how to relate with each other, if you're unable to do that, then what might be better is a divorce lawyer or equivalent -- who again might (ideally) not take sides as to the cause of of the relationship's ending, but instead try to facilitate a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No-fault_divorce&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;no-fault divorce&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also I'm probably sounding kind of clinical but if I would diagnose something it's that there's maybe a lack of gentleness or affection, one-way or both ways -- not that you should have to (be required to) feel affectionate but, I don't know, you and/or he might want to in a relationship with your partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even that (i.e. &quot;affection&quot;) may vary somewhat though, e.g. Buddhism might recommend the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nyanaponika/wheel006.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;Brahma-vihara&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; attitudes as the right way to relate to people, rather than craving and attachment and aversion -- answers should be based on (my) personal experience but it's really hard to presume I know what you each give to, each expect from, this relationship -- hence, you know, I think you'd have to communicate with him about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastEditorUserId="9053" LastEditDate="2018-09-17T12:17:37.983" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T12:17:37.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18470" CreationDate="2018-09-15T21:21:40.793" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;It doesn't seem that the problem is that he texts you frequently -- after all, it can be rather nice to have someone give you that much of their attention.  Instead it's the fact that you feel it's necessary to &lt;em&gt;respond to to his texts in a timely manner&lt;/em&gt;, possibly because that's what he expects any of his friends to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To take a step back:  When getting involved in a new relationship keep in mind that the other person is going to do any number of things differently from how you would do them.  That's what makes it fun.  Most of the time, what they do isn't &lt;em&gt;wrong&lt;/em&gt;, just different.  This attitude help you to avoid trying to control someone else's behavior, and instead focus on not letting them control &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So be yourself.  If you don't feel like texting back right away, then don't.  If he asks, &quot;Why don't you text me when I text you?&quot; just respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's OK. Don't be upset if I can't text you back right away.  It's not always convenient for me to respond each time you text -- but I will try to respond as soon as I can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that way you draw a mild boundary between what he wants to do, and what you want to do.  He can text you to his heart's content, and you can feel no pressure to respond promptly to each. You also help affirm his desire for your attention, in that he knows you are at least &lt;em&gt;reading&lt;/em&gt; his texts and &lt;em&gt;thinking&lt;/em&gt; about them, even if you're not constantly communicating.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, this is only a first date, so it's a little premature to talk about long-term solutions.  If you find you like him, and want to get more involved with him, then you can always meet him halfway and become comfortable texting more frequently.  You might find that you actually enjoy this kind of connection.  Or he might choose to text less often, because he knows you find it annoying, and be more concise and clear in his communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, find out if your want a more serious relationship, and then think about how to adjust your styles to be more harmonious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T14:31:40.763" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T14:31:40.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18403" CreationDate="2018-09-15T21:48:33.613" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;People often bring guests to weddings, it's called a &quot;plus one&quot;.  Call up your cousin and ask him about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side, plus ones are typically included in the wedding invitation.  Your cousin has probably has quite a few calls already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3041" LastActivityDate="2018-09-15T21:48:33.613" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18480" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-15T22:13:36.523" Score="3" ViewCount="414" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in a college video game design course with a strong emphasis on group work. I'm highly invested in the outcome (I'd like to use the final game for a portfolio, if possible) so I decided to create a Discord server the day after the group was assigned, just to show some excitement and get things rolling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I'm not the assigned team leader so I tried to do this without stepping on anyone's toes. The rest of the team - save one - has joined the server, so I assume it went over well enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That one teammate has strongly resisted joining. At first, they said that Discord was not accessible to them because their phone was too full to install another app. That struck me as a bit of a flimsy excuse, but I took it at face value and suggested they use the website or desktop version of Discord instead, since the majority of the team had already joined the server.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They had also suggested a group text or Facebook as an alternative - I responded that Discord is probably a better tool than group text, but I avoided mentioning Facebook. That's another issue entirely - I don't support Facebook as a company, but I didn't want to bring that up and come off as feeling morally superior. I definitely do not judge anyone for using Facebook, and in fact I still have an account, but I avoid using it as much as possible. I feel strongly about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They responded:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah I know it’s available on PC. But to be real with you I don’t use discord on a daily basis if not ever. It’s gonna be difficult to use this as means of communication since it’s not very accessible for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know discord has voice functions but that’s something available in other applications. And that’s why I proposed Facebook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don’t really know how to contact the others in the team so I guess it’ll be easiest to get together before or after class next week and just discuss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm conflicted here. On the one hand, I feel like they might have deeper issues with Discord that they aren't bringing up, and I'd like to respect that, if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, this response comes off as kind of combative to me, and it's hard not to feel like they're avoiding Discord out of laziness and slighting me in the process. I have reason to believe that English may not be their first language, but I haven't spoken to them in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is admittedly pretty minor, but I feel like if this becomes a pattern in the group dynamic then we're going to run into trouble for the rest of the semester. If they can't make a minor sacrifice like this, will they be able to compromise on later decisions? I'm also worried about whether this says the same about me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really see a resolution, given the facts I know, that isn't me using Facebook or them using Discord (I certainly don't expect them to use another service given their reasons for avoiding Discord, although I would be willing). I'd love to find another solution, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's a polite way to respond here? How can I approach this in general? It would be nice to resolve this over email before we meet in person, but I would understand if that isn't feasible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21717" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T16:55:47.747" Title="How to respond to someone strongly resisting a specific app for group communication?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-09-17T01:00:11.423" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18480" CreationDate="2018-09-15T22:37:56.550" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This kind of dissent is futile in the workplace.  When you join a software development team, you will be told what application will be used for group communication, and you are expected to take whatever steps are necessary to ensure you can participate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point of team-based assignments is so students can understand how teams integrate and produce software out in the real world.  Which is to say, if the majority of the team have chosen to use Discord, then the dissenter should go along with the group decision.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Period.  End of debate.  You need to move quickly past these kind of petty details in order to get the &lt;em&gt;real&lt;/em&gt; work done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just say to the lone holdout:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You understand that the rest of us have joined this server, and if you choose not to join, you won't be part of the discussion?  We have to pick a tool and go with it, otherwise you're just holding the rest of us back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note, I agree that group text and Facebook are not good alternatives for software development.  I don't know that Discord is either, at least compared with more common tools like Slack, but then again it's not a bad idea to use something you're familiar with so it doesn't distract from building your project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Edit) in response to the assertion that I'm being &quot;impolite&quot;: Sorry, but the earlier developers learn this lesson, the better.  Out in the real world individuals normally won't get their own way -- the point of team projects is to teach students about the inevitability of compromise.  The team has a job to do, and the more one member wastes time with trivial objections, the more likely that person will be let go because they don't fit in.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Moreover the suggestion of group text or even Facebook for team communication suggests this person is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; new to the field and needs to get up to speed.  Might as well get familiar with something like Slack now, because they're going to be using something like it the rest of their career. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-09-16T16:55:47.747" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T16:55:47.747" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18420" CreationDate="2018-09-15T23:54:26.377" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;IMO it sounds like at the moment she sees you as a threat - for 2 reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She's soon to have a baby which is naturally going to make her need a safe and stable social environment. The fact it's with your ex means she might be thinking she needs to worry about the problems you might cause when she has that added responsibility.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You're doing very well socially in the company, it might be making her feel you're going to overtake her soon.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a few paths you could take:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask her to stop, but it will probably be interpreted as a &quot;shot across the bow&quot; and make the behaviour worse&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ignore the put downs, but the behaviour will probably stay the same.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Show her that you won't be a threat to her - eg. Ask to do a small joint project together. Or talk positively about her to someone else and subtly make sure she's aware of what you said. That doesn't necessarily mean you're accepting her behaviour, just that you're changing her environment so she doesn't feel as threatened.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However you deal with it good luck and hope it goes well :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21719" LastActivityDate="2018-09-15T23:54:26.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18484" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18420" CreationDate="2018-09-16T09:16:07.503" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The comments she makes, like &quot;Oh wow, you know about that?&quot;, have two effects: They make you look bad to your peers (only to the extent that they take any notice of what this woman says), and they insult you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to handle &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; problems. You could have a quiet talk to her, but that would handle only half the problem. The best way to handle it is immediately when it happens. And the best way is to be not defensive: Of course you know about that (whatever that is), and you are totally surprised that anyone might think you wouldn't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So: &quot;Oh wow, you know about that?&quot; &quot;Of course I do. What on earth makes you think I wouldn't?&quot; So first, it shows your peers that there is no doubt at all that you are knowledgable about things. Half the job done. And it puts her into an awkward position. She now has to withdraw her comment in front of anyone, or she will have to come with an explanation, which would be seen as very, very rude by your peers and would hurt her reputation a lot more than it would hurt yours. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead of gaining points on whatever perverse scale she is scoring, she is losing. That's usually what stops that kind of people. Going to her and complaining how hurtful her comments were isn't going to help, because that was most likely the intent. Turning it back on her, that helps. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T09:16:07.503" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18480" CreationDate="2018-09-16T09:58:51.500" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What's a polite way to respond here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A first step is to think about advantages and disadvantages of establishing something new. Obviously this communication server is new to them.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Often someone very engaged in a task tends to establish new things. For others this often sounds like unnecessary additional effort. Why install something new on the smartphone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next thing: Some people really don't want to be bothered with project specific messages all the time. The emphasis is on &lt;strong&gt;all the time&lt;/strong&gt;, all over the day whatever they do. It is not helpful to be out and get information that you can't handle right now when you are not busy on the project.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Personally I started to tell people that write me on Whatsapp &quot;could you please look up xy in your files&quot; or &quot;could you tell me xy when you are at home&quot;: &lt;strong&gt;yes I can but I am not at home right now so please send me an email because this messenger is not the right place to keep messages unread or process them later.&lt;/strong&gt;   There is no &quot;I will try to remind&quot; - I won't. I explicitely make clear that their message in this medium will probably be forgotten. Not because I am stupid or lazy, it's the nature of this messengers. No, I don't set a message to unread that irritates me everytime I check my smartphone. Period. No discussion. It works :-)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;So you should be sure this way of communication really helps your project to advance. Showing passion is great - but don't overpower yourself and others with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Establish a culture of communication. You will need that to draw boundaries, you can't be present for this project everywhere and at every time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah I know it’s available on PC.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Great. Show the advantages, for example that no smartphone must be equipped with this messenger, they can keep it on their PC that they will need to work on the project (your don't do that stuff on smartphones?), they can turn it on when they are ready to read messages and keep it off otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But to be real with you I don’t use discord on a daily basis&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well now they should. Show the advantage over Whatsapp and Facebook if you think I am right about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;discord has voice functions&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You probably don't want to use voice messages to do important communication. Do you like to read things again if required or do you want to play hundreds of voice snippets back and forth to find something again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don’t really know how to...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show them the basics. Don't use every feature only because it exists. Make it easy, it shall help and not irritate all of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I guess it’ll be easiest to get together before or after class next week and just discuss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This guy is my hero! Of course this is the best way to get things done!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T09:58:51.500" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18486" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-16T16:59:04.790" Score="49" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are in an abusive relationship; and you should &lt;em&gt;leave your partner&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you describe is &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;emotional abuse&lt;/a&gt;, and it is not okay. Particularly concerning signs are unreasonable demands, getting angry when these demands aren't met, and then punishing you for failing to meet his demands. This is abusively controlling behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His demands are unreasonable. He spends his time in solitary pursuits (YouTube, video games), but demands that you abandon your solitary pursuits (reading) at his whim. This is completely one-sided and a clear sign he is not treating you with respect. Agreeing to something and then not wanting to do it at the time is not great relationship behaviour, but using that as excuse to punish you by criticising you or sulking all evening is abusive. Withdrawing from you for days if he doesn't get what he want is abusive behaviour, it is making you (a) take responsibility, and (b) feel guilty about &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; bad behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It does not matter whether his abusive behaviour comes from an inability to control himself, or some childhood insecurities, or him just being a bad person; the fact is that they are abusive and you do not deserve to be treated like that. You should leave your relationship, and not tolerate such behaviour from future partners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="356" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T16:59:04.790" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18375" CreationDate="2018-09-16T17:15:23.177" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some time ago I read an interview with a Saudi mine worker. He had originally been on the (Saudi) government dole and didn't work. For various reasons he went to work in a gold mine. His main take-away was that by having some savings and an income, he was his own person. He didn't have to pay any attention to the &quot;welfare people&quot; to pay for food etc. He also made much more money than he did on welfare. As an aside, he liked the mine owners' relation to the workers; they didn't ask him about politics or religion, only if he could load 16 tons a day (so to speak). On a minor level, being self sufficient is basically &quot;screw you money.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell you brother he will get a big ego boost from being self-sufficient (not necessarily rich, just no dependent on the government as the first line of help.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21729" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T17:15:23.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18488" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-16T17:34:48.810" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;An adult behaving like this is not behaving like a two year old; it means something else when an adult does it. I would let go of comparing with a child and look instead for other words to describe the behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Predictably, when I try to talk to him about it in a calm moment,&#xA;  he'll have a tantrum right then and refuse to talk to me for some&#xA;  hours or days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to talk in a calm moment seems the obviously right thing to do. If that isn't possible, then that seems to be the first 'blocker' before you can talk about temper and behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like he won't, at the moment, listen to you. Is there someone else who you both trust and respect who he would listen to?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4889" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T17:34:48.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18489" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-16T17:40:07.020" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you first need to evaluate your relationship. Does he show signs of love and support? Are those signs more frequent than his “tantrums”? Does he show genuine happines for your personal achievments? Do you guys have the same future goals? Does he spend most of his time off work with you? Is he passionate and generous in bed? If when you argue, you end up crying, how does he react - does he drop arguments and try to confort you or he is annoyed even more?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel the answers to the questions above are positive, and show that your relationship is otherwise healthy and happy, but feel that his “tantrums” will degrade it, you should solve this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you identify the cause of his “tantrum” behavior? Was he an only child, was he spoiled when he was little or in previous relationships? Is this behavior permanent or occasional? If you find a reasonable cause, at least you have a clue that it is not because he started feeling uncomfortable with your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding his tantrums, I would just not submit if I feel his behavior is totally injust. If you are both, heading somewhere and he leaves, just go alone. If you need time for yourself just tell him.   If you want to spend time together and he has been playing games for hours, do something alone or with your friends. Tell him whenever he makes you feel sad or question the future of you being together. Don’t apologize if you really feel you are right, as this makes him think he is right to treat you like this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If things don’t change, you may need to discuss plainly about the future of your relationship. When that happens, be prepared to remain strong on your position if he does not show signs of listening to you. Nobody is perfect and to make a relationship work, both have to let go sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if he ever turns violent towards you, call the police, leave and never look back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15739" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T17:40:07.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18490" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-16T17:43:42.803" Score="36" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having often spent much of my marriage as the more childish partner, I'm going to suggest that helping both yourself and your partner in this situation is more complicated and more involved than you seem to appreciate at this moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the core of it, your partner is &quot;throwing temper-tantrums&quot; because they lack basic relationship skills AND because of their incorrect worldview. You will not be successful in establishing a healthier relationship with your partner if you treat only the symptoms (the temper-tantrums) rather than addressing the deeper issues. And in order to address those deeper issues with your partner, you will need to first learn some things about yourself and improve your own communication skills to be able to help your partner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the books that has really helped me, The Anatomy of Peace, teaches that as long as our primary goal is to change another person we will have limited success. To be successful at helping others change, it must come as a result of loving them and not a deliberate, scoped plan to change them. While I know that this does not technically answer your question, I would ask what your goal is with this relationship? The kind of growth that I know your partner needs is not going to come quickly or easily. Are you really committed to the level of effort to help your partner through this growth?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the answer is yes, then I would suggest the following to begin from another book that's helped me a lot, Crucial Conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both scenarios, it sounds like your partner has needs / fears that they are not communicating correctly. It falls to you as the more mature partner then to create a safe space that invites them to begin to evaluate what they are feeling and express those feelings so you can talk through things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, you get home from evening out where he sulked the whole time. When you get home, you could start with something like &quot;It seemed like you didn't enjoy our evening out very much. Can you share why?&quot; He might say, &quot;I don't want to talk about it.&quot; At this point, you effectively have to hold a meta conversation where you ask, &quot;Why don't you want to talk about it?&quot; and he'll say, &quot;Because we'll just fight and nothing will change.&quot;. At this point he's expressed a valid fear and in order to establish a safe space for him to open up, you need to validate that fear. You might say, &quot;You are correct. In the past discussing these things has just resulted in us fighting. But because I love you and care about your happiness I would like to try again to talk times when you are unhappy and what we need to do to help with your unhappiness. Could we please try discussing what you were unhappy about tonight?&quot; Then he might say, &quot;What will be different this time?&quot; And you might respond, &quot;Because this time I will try to listen without getting angry.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to highlight a couple of techniques that have helped not only my wife and I to communicate but also to communicate better with our teenage daughter from the above example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking &quot;why&quot; questions. Never ask yes/no questions. And every time they respond hone in on another &quot;why&quot; question that you can ask to get them to further open up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You must be willing and able to listen to what they have to say without getting angry yourself. The moment you get angry, the whole thing will shut down. That said, when (note I said &quot;when&quot; and not &quot;if&quot;) you do get angry you can help by saying to your partner as calmly as possible what you are also feeling.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Validation. When your partner is upset or angry you can begin to create a safe space for them to talk by validating their feelings. One thing that was very hard for me to learn was that even if a person's conclusions are incorrect (if their point of view is skewed or crooked to the rest of the world), their feelings are real and legitimate and come from a place that is real. As a result, it's always possible to validate what your partner is feeling even if you disagree with it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start with your goal in mind. What do you want from any particular crucial conversation? Is it convince your partner that you are correct? Is it to help one or both of you be happier? Is it to figure out how to have an evening out that you can both enjoy or to figure out boundaries for &quot;me&quot; time?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to echo what baldPrussian stated with a slightly more nuanced perspective. This behavior from your partner is definitively abusive and manipulative. I would suggest from what you've described that it comes more from his own ignorance and immaturity than from any real malice and he may be able to grow beyond it, if he wants to. There have been moments in my marriage where my spouse sat me down and said in no uncertain terms, 'You must change or we cannot stay married. What do you want?' Those moments were real wake up calls to me. Same thing happened with a job and a boss who cared enough for me as a person to say basically the same thing. One good thing he did was then give me reading assignments and ongoing coaching to help me to grow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would highly suggest that you take time to do some reading yourself. Two books that for me were transformative were the Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Group and Crucial Conversations. I would also suggest that you consider finding a good relationship counselor that you can meet with personally to provide ongoing coaching and teaching.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13745" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T09:38:52.187" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T09:38:52.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18491" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-16T17:50:58.860" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;This might not be the advice you are looking for, but everything you describe are red flags and point to an unhealthy relation with a possibly mentally unstable person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend seriously questioning this relationship. What you describe is not the behaviour of a healthy person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can probably curtail this particular behaviour using any of the hints given in other answers. However, I agree with many here that this behaviour is indicative of deeper issues, and they will just surface again through some other intolerable behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="6371" LastEditDate="2018-09-16T23:59:48.107" LastActivityDate="2018-09-16T23:59:48.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18473" CreationDate="2018-09-17T01:41:20.817" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Particularly, I am struggling to find ways to use &quot;I&quot; statements when what I want to say is, &quot;You can be rude and disrespectful. I don't appreciate being interrupted. When we are traveling I need you to consider my point of view, even if it is 'less convenient' than making your own mind up&quot;. How can I say, gently, &quot;you're not friendly with me sometimes and it hurts&quot;?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One approach to writing I statements is to start by just putting &quot;I feel&quot; in front of what you are thinking of saying.  So you would write down something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I feel you can be rude and disrespectful.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I feel I don't appreciate being interrupted.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I feel when we are traveling I need you to consider my point of view, even if it is 'less convenient' than making your own mind up.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I feel you're not friendly with me sometimes and it hurts.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may find the statements that you've written to be kind of clumsy and not how you talk.  That's fine at this point.  Don't be afraid to sound clumsy now.  You'll be changing it.  Or since this is an IT site, refactoring it.  The important part is to get those feelings down on paper so that you can refer to them in the next step.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the next step, try to rewrite the &quot;I feel&quot; statements to be more natural but still express the same thoughts.  If you can, try to express things as an observation, a feeling, a need, and a request.  This is the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;four-part non-violent communication&lt;/a&gt;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you interrupt me (observation), I feel disrespected (feeling).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Now think about what you need and what request you will make.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When we are traveling and you find it more convenient to make up your mind yourself than to consider my point of view (observation), I feel [what?] (feeling).  I need you to consider my point of view.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Finish out the feeling here and add a request for &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; your friend can consider your point of view.  &quot;Can you do that?&quot; is a possibility, but the more concrete the request, the greater the chance of compliance.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When you're rude or not friendly towards me, I feel hurt.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Again, think about what the real need is here and what you want to request.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes people criticize me for concentrating too much on wording.  This is not some perfect rewording of what you originally said.  You should put things in your own words.  Particularly since I may be misunderstanding what you want to express.  But I find it easiest to explain with examples.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is that you should try to fit your statements into the pattern:  I [observe something], and I feel [something].  I need [something].  Would you be willing to [something]?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6371" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T01:41:20.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18495" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18496" CreationDate="2018-09-17T03:17:34.550" Score="6" ViewCount="3093" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been friends with the oldest brother, Gary, since middle school. His younger brother Billy also integrated into our group of friends around high school and Billy, Gary, and I frequently played video games together online during this time. Near the later half of High School, Jennifer, the middle sibling became fully integrated into this group of friends. Then, Gary and I moved off to separate colleges and Gary's participation in the group has been reduced to about a 10th or less of what it used to be but I persisted. A year later, Jennifer leaves for college and comes to the one I am currently at. Lately we've been spending a lot of time together and I've been considering asking her out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I best mitigate or deal with the potential issues, provided she accepts or declines?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Billy, Gary, and Jennifer are intelligent and reasonable people&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jennifer had asked me to her prom and Gary asked me why I was taking his sister to prom with some hostility in a joking manner but was satisfied with my answer, which was I thought it would be a nice thing to do (which was true at the time, and I guess still is but would be overshadowed in the present)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gary and Jennifer are very different people and don't get along perfectly, but are probably closer than most siblings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is in the United States&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21736" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-09-17T08:12:18.123" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T16:17:40.753" Title="How to Deal With Asking Out A Friend's Sister" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18496" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18495" CreationDate="2018-09-17T04:47:59.463" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, sounds like you're interested in your friend's little sister and it also sounds like you're pretty set on pursuing a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's take a moment to examine what sort of relationship you want to pursue with this young woman, cause if it was a young woman who meant something to me, that would be my first question. Are your intentions honourable? Do you intend to have some kind of respectful, lasting, and meaningful relationship, or is it just lust?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly I don't have a little sister, but I've had daughters, and if anything, that's probably a higher standard. You want the people who pursue the people you care about to treat them well. Any inclination that this pursuer's intentions aren't as pure as the driven snow, and all those nasty protective instincts kick in. You probably want to avoid those protective instincts. They may be bad for your friendships in the best case, and bad for your health in the worst. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Check your motives first. If you really want a real relationship with this woman, then proceed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, think about your relationship with her brothers. Do they have a high opinion of you? Have they seen you behave questionably toward your previous partners? Effectively, would they think you're a respectable match for a young woman who means the world to them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can check both of those boxes... Are you willing to risk all of these friendships for the relationship you might have with this woman? If that's even a question you have to think about, you probably shouldn't move forward. Because, doing this even in the very best circumstances, can and will, risk all of these friendships. Even if things go wonderful for years, if things turn bad, you should expect to have a falling out with all of these people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should you decide that your intentions are good, and that her brothers like and respect you well enough, and that it's worth the risks... Cause you will... Cause young love is like that... Brave, or foolish, or both... probably both. Talk to the young woman first. You're not asking her brothers for a date, you're asking her. She's your priority. If she likes you, and her brothers don't, they may get over it in time. If you ask her brothers first, she could and likely should feel somewhat demeaned and controlled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I realize that sounds counter intuitive given the opening paragraphs about the brothers respecting you, but bear with me.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll be changing the context of all of these relationships. She'll need to see you as more than her friend, or her brothers' friend. And her brothers will need to see you as a potential brother-in-law. If you want this to go as smoothly as possible, and maintain those friendships, you'll need to seem like a good fit in both categories. But neither work if she doesn't like you, so that's going to be your first concern.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't want to pursue something more with you, respecting that fully will be your best bet toward moving forward, without damaging all these friendships. (Another reason it'll be important to ask her before testing the waters with her brothers) Asking her brothers and then being shot down by her will likely lead them to question any and all interaction you have with her from then on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-09-17T12:09:38.483" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T12:09:38.483" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18497" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-17T05:33:27.397" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with other folks who've pointed out that your partner's behaviour is controlling and (emotionally) abusive. In my experience, some individuals with this behaviour pattern escalate into more extreme forms of abuse, and some do not. I don't know of any way to predict whether he's going to persist in behaving as he does, or if his behaviour is going to get worse over time. (Instances of true cognitive behavioural change are quite rare, statistically speaking; furthermore, successful changes only ever occur in people when the fear of change is outweighed by the suffering associated with staying the same. Call it &quot;motivation,&quot; call it &quot;bottoming out&quot; -- any way you slice it, he won't change unless he wants to change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very likely that he does not see his behaviour as abusive. Indeed, he might claim that he is being &quot;victimized&quot; by your refusal to drop everything and tend to him in seclusion on his timetable. It is very likely pointless to confront him about his behaviour verbally, esp. if you use language like &quot;controlling&quot; and &quot;abusive&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others in the thread have pointed out that you can't change his behaviour.   They are quite right to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here is where the &quot;real talk&quot; starts: brace yourself, it might be hard to hear: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can't change him, you can only change you. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's probably going to stick with his behaviour. It might even get worse. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This relationship isn't 100% bad; if it were, you would have walked away part-way through the first date, amirite? So what was good about it at first? What (if anything) continues to be good about it? Does the good outweigh the bad? Will the good outweigh the bad in one year, in five, in ten? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is there anything in your personal history that suggests you are repeating negative patterns? Is your relationship with your partner similar to the relationship your parents had? How's your self-esteem? Do you feel that you &quot;need&quot; a partner to be ok? Is there some part of you that enjoys &quot;being the adult&quot; while he &quot;behaves childishly&quot;? Do you fear being alone? Do you feel you need a partner in order to survive?  My point here is that his &quot;relationship velcro&quot; is a match for yours, so what's that all about? &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's how I'd proceed if I was now in your shoes (I was in a similar sitch before,tho' in my case my troubled ex-partner was a woman, not a man- I'm a woman too, btw):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Put the focus on what you can control. Forget about trying to figure out why he behaves the way he does or what you can do different to make him do different. You are not the reason he does what he does. Put your energy into examining yourself, your history, your motivations, and how you want to live in the future&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Seek support from trusted family, friends, self-help or support groups, and/or a professional. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't keep what you are going through a secret; secrets make things worse, not better&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Expect that the minute you put the focus on you instead of him, he's very likely gonna freak the eff out. It's called a &quot;change-back!&quot; reaction. If he's got the escalating pattern of problem behaviour, during a change -back reaction, his problem behaviours will increase in frequency and intensity. Keep yourself safe and ask for support from the folks I mentioned in #2. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck in this journey, it's hard but it's worth it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21737" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T05:33:27.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18498" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-17T11:19:57.883" Score="2" ViewCount="654" Body="&lt;p&gt;I (m/21) had a friend (m/18), a very good one. I drove to him after work nearly every day and we saw us every weekend. But suddenly, he began to meet other dudes from his class. This is nothing bad, but he changed his personality drastically to get into this new circle of friends. Now ..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He lets me pay for things I didn't do. He is somehow able to make it look I was it and nobody can prove the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He doesn't like me anymore because of my girlfriend. He is the only one who doesn't like her for no reason.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He tells my sister that I am the problem why we don't understand each other. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;At his new circle of friends, he can only get attention by drinking too much and buying expensive stuff (15k car and 2.5k computer at his age with no job). I don't know where he got this money from. I know that he had about 2-3k saved up until last summer. The last few months, he said he can't go out with us, because he has no money.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He waits to buy expensive stuff from the internet until one of us or &#xA;his other friends are beside him, to let everybody know that he is buying &#xA;expensive stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He says I'm just envious and if I say, that I could have all that too, &#xA;because I'm earning a lot, he is like &quot;Prove it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Every time I explain something to him, where everybody knows that I am &#xA;right (because it's about the thing I do as work or something I know a lot &#xA;about), he doesn't believe me. If I get proven after a few days, he &#xA;forgot that I have said the right thing. Due to that, he made me looking &#xA;unintelligent&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are some examples, why I don't want to do anything with him. I'm generally a worse human than he is in his oppinion. Another good friend of mine and him, also thinks that he became silly. But this other friend is accepting it, because he doesn't want to lose a good old friend. I don't want to lose a friend too. But he is showing me, that he doesn't want me in his life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't just go to him and say, that he has changed drasticly. In this case, he would say, that I have changed. It wouldn't matter, if this other friend goes with me to talk to him. He would think, that I can't talk to him on my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm clueless about this. At the moment, my thoughts about breaking contact are bigger than fixing our friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you have some tips for me how to talk to him about his change, I feel helpless with this and I don't really want to quit this friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17847" LastEditorUserId="49" LastEditDate="2018-09-17T15:48:21.420" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T15:48:21.420" Title="How to tell a friend, that he became an insufferable bigwig" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-09-17T15:37:31.033" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18499" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-17T11:28:12.873" Score="2" ViewCount="628" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm taking some &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.rsa.ie/en/RSA/Learner-Drivers/Motorcyclists/Initial-basic-training-IBT-for-motorcyclists/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;mandatory&lt;/a&gt; motorcycle lessons (required before you can legally ride on the road).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've paid around $600 for these &lt;strong&gt;to the school&lt;/strong&gt; the runs the course. The course (whose structure, contents and length are defined by the government) is supposed to be 18 hours (of class / riding time) and runs over a weekend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to slow progress over the weekend - the instructor wants to take me for 4-5 hours of further lessons at a cost of about $40 an hour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I don't disagree with this assessment and would very much like more practice.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, over the weekend - we arrived at 8am and left at 5pm both days with an hour for lunch. This means that I'm owed 2 hours of work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The instructor is going to contact me to arrange the extra hours - &lt;strong&gt;how do I make a point about the missing hours without ruining the relationship we currently have&lt;/strong&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I genuinely enjoyed the lessons over the weekend, the instructor was very nice and I have no doubt that he does want to prepare me for the road.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issues I see are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I were to say this to the school directly - The instructor could possibly get in trouble for cutting the weekend sessions short&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm worried if I say it to the instructor - he might take it badly, wrecking our relationship and go on the defensive.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He could simply say that he hasn't seen sufficient progress in our extra 4/5 hours and demand more lessons before he will sign me off&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a diplomatic approach to doing the extra hours with the instructor while getting the two hours I'm owed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21741" LastEditorUserId="21741" LastEditDate="2018-09-17T11:56:12.233" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T20:02:36.277" Title="Instuctor wants me to pay for additional lessons before sign off; but didn't complete all hours of the course" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18501" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-17T11:57:35.033" Score="76" ViewCount="27762" Body="&lt;p&gt;My parents are from India, but I was born and raised in the Netherlands (which is where I still live). I am in university and a friend keeps making jokes about the fact that I am of Indian descent. The problem is, the jokes are simply not funny. Although I am not offended by them, I don't know how to make him stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when I was eating my sandwich and he asked whether I have ghee on my sandwich instead of butter or paneer instead of cheese, while he could clearly see that it was regular cheese (it was Gouda if I recall correctly). &#xA;And another time he asked whether I knew some random Indian person he saw on the train. Now we get along quite well otherwise, but his jokes are really not funny. &#xA;How do I make him stop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: For the rest, we share a similar sense of humor, so other remarks are not as bad. I could indeed tell him to just stop, but I don't know how he will take it. He does a similar thing to another friend of his from &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suriname&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Suriname&lt;/a&gt;, who thinks the same as I do. Would it be a good idea to confront him together or would this make the Dutch friend uncomfortable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21742" LastEditorUserId="7583" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T13:04:13.933" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T13:04:13.933" Title="Friend keeps making jokes about my ethnicity which are not funny" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;humor&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18501" CreationDate="2018-09-17T13:14:58.327" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;Communication is key here -- I don't think he actually realises that you are annoyed by his remarks. Just sit down with him and tell him how you feel and take it from there. Or rag on him jokingly for not having any other material besides your ethnicity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I have personally taken to using more blunt techniques in both personal and professional communications rather than being roundabout how I feel, and it has worked for me; people are often daft and do not realize that other people react differently than they themselves would in similar situations. For example, if I feel that a remark is hurtful, I would let them know why I react negatively. I live in Sweden which also has very subtle social rules, i.e. not being blunt, which often takes people by surprise, but it has also been appreciated in the cases where I have been blunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastEditorUserId="17106" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T08:28:51.757" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T08:28:51.757" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18503" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18501" CreationDate="2018-09-17T13:23:23.927" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;As long as the jokes aren't offensive I think an indirect approach would work better than a straight confrontation as it would seem like you can't take a joke if you directly call him out on it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was in your shoes I would respond to vaguely racial remarks by taking them a bit overboard. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey do you know the random Indian person I met on the train last weekend?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A response could in the tone of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Ah that must be Lakshay from Mumbai. We are 1.2 billion people but everyone knows each other. It must have been weird for him to travel on the inside of the train cart&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bonus points if you do it in exaggerated Indian accent. I believe it sends the message that ethnic jokes aren't funny quite clearly but in a more passive-aggressive way. Hopefully your friend will take the hint and just stop making jokes on this topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though should he ever progress to jokes that are offensive you should just confront him immediately. There are a few posts on this site for how to handle inappropriate jokes. My favorite solution is to pretend you don't get the joke and ask them to explain it. Nobody likes explaining jokes and especially trying to explain an offensive joke would make anyone look very racist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: &#xA;There has been a lot of controversy around this answer and I want to hopefully clear some of it. I suggested this approach mainly because OP mentioned the jokes are coming from a friend and he isn't offended by them. It is definitely not the proper way to respond to racial jokes in general. I do believe that when a friend is doing something stupid but you don't want to confront them directly for whatever reason, mocking the stupid thing they are doing gets the message across and doesn't hurt the friendship, but a direct confrontation might. Please keep in mind that OP isn't facing issues with random strangers or coworkers but with a friend that he probably cares about enough to come here and ask what to do rather than just confront and distance himself from in the future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-09-19T10:27:50.920" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T10:27:50.920" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-17T14:19:04.187" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been like your partner. It took me thirty years to overcome those issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helped me was being left by my partners after I abused them emotionally in our relationships. Only being left taught me that I needed to change if I didn't want to be alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you stay with your partner, he has no reason to change, because his behavior has no disadvantage for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21748" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T14:19:04.187" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18505" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18473" CreationDate="2018-09-17T15:07:36.000" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sure, non-violent communication is a thing, but it will only work with some people, in some circumstances. Likewise for I-statements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rule #1 of I-statements (and pretty much anything else) is to shoot the message, not the messenger. For example,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I feel you can be rude and disrespectful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...is an accusation against her character, which could put some people in a bad mood. The &quot;I feel&quot; at the start probably won't be heard. This:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ouch, that was rude!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...is an invitation for her to say it in a nicer way, and not an attack on her character. This is still a kind of a I-sentence, since you are giving your own point of view. If she cares, she should answer something like &quot;Really? Was it?&quot; and at this point she should be more willing to listen to you, and you can go on, &quot;I feel...&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rule #2 of I-statements is that you're counting on the other person's empathy, so it will only work if they actually care about your feelings. This should be the case here since she's your friend. However, I-statements can make you sound weak, especially if you use them on someone who has a competitive attitude or a &quot;strong personality&quot; like your friend seems to have... In this case, there's a tradeoff: you're going to sound like a whiner and lose a little bit of her respect, while counting on her respect for your feelings for it to work, which is a bit of a paradox. I-statements aren't a panacea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She seems to have a strong and competitive personality, not very sensitive, and her family seems to be like that too, so this may be her normal way of interacting with people she's comfortable with, as you say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know she can be friendly on a consistent basis - I see it when she interacts with people she's not as comfortable with!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you're focusing on your own point of view too much: you're considering I-statements because they would work well on you, but that isn't the point, you are looking for something that will convince her, not you. So, you have to consider her own point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's used to interacting with her family in ways that you find curt and a bit offensive, then maybe you should try that on her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example: at a dinner, I was introduced to a woman whom my friends described as &quot;she scares all the dudes away&quot;, well she was certainly loud and boisterous, and she talked like a drunk pirate, teasing and talking trash, interrupting everyone constantly to talk about herself, etc. Also, very hot, which some would perhaps find intimidating. So, when she finally shut up to have a drink, I casually mentioned that her tattoo looked like garbage, and asked her if she got it in jail or something. After she recovered from a spectacular fit of giggles, we were best buddies for the rest of the evening. I simply used her own method of communication on her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She mentioned to me once that she had to practice &quot;softening&quot; her approach with colleagues because her manager spoke to her about her coworkers being &quot;afraid&quot; of her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very good sign, as it shows that she is aware of the problem, and she's trying to fix it, but maybe she has trouble doing so, because people don't actually tell her when she's going over the top. Without feedback, one can't adjust...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to suggest you both agree to learn from each other in order to increase your communication skills. For example, when you have something to say, you should interrupt her. It doesn't matter if you consider it rude, what matters is if she considers it rude to interrupt. If she's okay with it, then go ahead. Feel free to add &quot;Wow, I managed to shut you up!&quot; and score an achievement. Likewise, when she does something that you find rude, provide immediate feedback. Don't hold a grudge for a long time, that's unhealthy. Instead, just say something like &quot;Ouch, that was rude!&quot; on the spot. Observe how her family members talk to her, and use this as a blueprint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are shy and have trouble making yourself heard, practicing it with her should help you. Learn each others' languages, basically. This should prove valuable when interacting with others too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T15:07:36.000" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18501" CreationDate="2018-09-17T15:33:55.483" Score="128" Body="&lt;p&gt;Pretend like you didn't understand that it was a joke and take him seriously. It could go like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey do you know that random Indian person I met on the train last weekend?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stare at him for ~5 seconds with poker face and then ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you mean?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't think I understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What makes you think I should know that person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should force him to explain his joke and hopefully he will realize it's not funny and will stop. If he will keep trying replying with a joke then just continue taking him seriously and make him explain his jokes. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2371" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T15:33:55.483" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18507" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18501" CreationDate="2018-09-17T15:52:24.263" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I would do in your case is say, with a smile, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When you make jokes about my Indian heritage, I feel kind of hurt and&#xA;  irritated.  I was born in this country and I'm just as Dutch as you&#xA;  are. I need you to respect that.  Please don't make that kind of joke around me again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he continues to make those remarks you can repeat the above a couple of times and then after that every time he makes an ethnic joke, look at him expressionessly and say with a flat voice,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That's not funny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn't work, then he's not really your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other alternative is to act as Alex L suggests and pretend that what he says is not a joke until he feels how ridiculous he is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastEditorUserId="7377" LastEditDate="2018-09-17T18:02:53.183" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T18:02:53.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-17T16:16:58.247" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having worked with elderly people who behave like this I can say that behavior will never change. Visitors would attest that they were always that way and perceive it as getting worse, due to the cognitive and motor issues that develop. These issues causes great frustration which lead to even more tantrums. Since these issues originate internally (faulty memory, tremors, confusion) they cannot be mitigated or controlled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have said it is abusive and manipulative behavior. Ask yourself if you can handle this behavior indefinitely and with more intensity later in life, as it seems that's how it will go. That's my own anecdotal experience however.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user20534" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T16:16:58.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18501" CreationDate="2018-09-17T19:44:38.110" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be Direct&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think this situation requires a particularly careful response.&#xA;The next time your friend makes an unfunny joke about your ethnicity (while you two are alone!), simply respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, man, your Indian jokes are never funny, could you {just stop with them / work on them}*? I'm not really offended, they're just not funny to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you two have a fairly close friendship and you have never communicated this, he might even appreciate your opinion, and hopefully will understand your feelings regardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Explain Further&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is any awkwardness you want to dispel, or you'd like to be a bit more clear, you could pull out your phone and show him a video clip of an Indian joke that you find particularly funny. If he seems open to feedback, you could try explaining why the joke you just showed was funny, but his jokes aren't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using your examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For example, when I was eating my sandwich and he asked whether I have ghee on my sandwich instead of butter or paneer instead of cheese, while he could clearly see that it was regular cheese (it was Gouda if I recall correctly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may have been a potential for a stereotype joke if you were actually using ghee or paneer, especially in an otherwise normal sandwich.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;And another time he asked whether I knew some random Indian person he saw on the train.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There might have been potential for a joke if you had run into an Indian person on the train and you knew him, and pointed this out to your friend, &quot;I know this guy!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue seems to be that your friend recognizes what could be a potentially funny situation (if one finds ethnicity based jokes funny), but that situation doesn't actually exist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*: Your request to him depends on your desired outcome. Would you be okay if the jokes were actually funny and don't mind helping him improve his comedy, or would you prefer they stop outright?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;**: This answer assumes that you yourself find ethnicity and race based humor to be funny when done correctly. If you do not, simply being direct, as in the first part of the answer, is enough. Your uncomfortableness is more than enough justification for your friend to stop making these jokes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3626" LastEditorUserId="3626" LastEditDate="2018-09-17T19:57:13.490" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T19:57:13.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18501" CreationDate="2018-09-17T20:24:51.713" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In America &quot;I don't appreciate making bad jokes about my ethnicity&quot; followed by some explanation would suffice. Typically you want to follow this up with some explanation that focuses on how it makes you feel about an otherwise valuable and appreciated friendship rather than astronomical degree of garbage your friend's jokes are. Making sure the focus is on how it makes you feel about the jokes rather than your friend's inability to make good ethnic jokes will help the conversation stay on topic and increase the likelihood of the problem getting solved by helping prevent your friend from making it about him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a bit more confrontational so I don't know how it would work in the Netherlands. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more thing, this approach requires you to sort out and articulate your feelings in a way that doesn't make your friend feel like complete trash. That's why you don't see this sort of thing happening all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13972" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T20:24:51.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18501" CreationDate="2018-09-17T21:00:45.153" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you are being much too nice about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am not a minority per se, I am an Australian who lives in North America and tend to get asked idiotic questions or have stupid jokes/questions/accents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After being polite the first year or so I got fed up and I'll make it obvious the person asked an idiotic question or made a stupid joke that isn't funny, or sounds like an idiot when they try and impersonate Steve Irwin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now I will be overly passive aggressive or sarcastic to someone who frequently does it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to call people out who behave like this and put them in their place quickly, but you also need to understand the difference between genuine curiousity and someone being stupid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I.e. when they say CRIKEY MATE in a terrible impersonation, I'll immediately say, You sound like a f**king idiot and you're embarrassing yourself, don't do it again because you look like an utter tool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they ask idiotic questions like, OH DO YOU RIDE KANGAROOS TO WORK.&#xA;I will usually say as sarcastically as possible, YES OF COURSE WE DO, IT'S A CITY THE SIZE OF CHICAGO AND WE DON'T HAVE CARS EVERYONE RIDES KANGAROOS.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually people don't want to be further embarrassed and will remember not to ask me idiotic questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21763" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T21:00:45.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18518" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18529" CreationDate="2018-09-17T21:11:18.910" Score="78" ViewCount="28936" Body="&lt;p&gt;My significant other (SO) and I like to play card and boardgames from time to time. The problem is she always throws a tantrum when losing (crying, being mad). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she gets the slightest bit behind in any game, she gets apathetic and says the game is stupid or there is no sense in playing, it's over anyways (but it's more like losing 1 point in tennis than a 7-0 in football). But when she is winning she is super happy and has fun. I really like to see her win and have fun, but it takes the fun out of playing when she wants to stop if I get ahead a bit. I talked about it with her, but she always says she can't help it that's just the way she reacts to losing. When I say but then it's not fun for me she says we should just stop playing. But I clearly see that she is having fun and enjoying the games too when winning and it would be a pity to give that up. I'm 24 and she is 29, so it's no teenage problem. Any advice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I tried that didn't work:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I tried to explain her that it is just a game and it's more about fun and being together. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explaining that in a game somebody has to lose and because of that necessity, losing is not bad.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Trying to show her the other side, when she loses somebody else wins&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I help her to not get sad/mad when being behind or losing?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Thank you very much for all the helpful answers, I have definitive got good advice that I will try out the next time we play, which will probably be soon :) I accepted @astralbees answer since to me it feels like it tries to solve the underlying issue the best, without coming of as patronizing or pushy. Just some good ideas how to think about this problem and what could be done. I also especially like the quick reminder before the start of a game, because if the person that has the problem already accepts it as such, a quick reminder can do wonders and it is a really quick and simple option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11118" LastEditorUserId="11118" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T08:25:50.177" LastActivityDate="2018-12-30T20:51:35.960" Title="How to help significant other lose gracefully in games?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;games&gt;" AnswerCount="14" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="15" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18519" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18495" CreationDate="2018-09-17T21:12:43.600" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't make things more complicated than they are. Ask her out and then just mention it to her brothers &quot;BTW, Jennifer and I are having a beer on Friday&quot;. Not telling the brothers about it signals that you have something to hide. On the other hand, (neither) her brothers (nor her parents) (don't) own her. She decides herself (yes, even if she is below 18 or whatever &quot;coming of age-limit&quot; that is applicable) if she wants to go out with you. It is no one else's business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21424" LastActivityDate="2018-09-17T21:12:43.600" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18501" CreationDate="2018-09-17T21:58:11.573" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many of the responses you got so far seem to be quite tone deaf in regards to your question...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since it seems like both of you are fine with making fun of each other, I would suggest a couple of approaches. Mirror or modify his jokes, make fun of his inability to make funny jokes or simply show disappointment. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you mirror his joke with an even worse joke about him being Dutch, preferably in a stupid sounding voice. &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Do you know that Windmill over there?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Is there 'something Dutch, maybe Tulips?' in your sandwich?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. You could also modify them to something like &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Do you know that guy over there? I guess not. He's called humor btw.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Is there humor in your sandwich? Doesn't seem like it.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point out the unfunniness in his jokes. &lt;strong&gt;&quot;This is the lamest joke I've heard all month.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Which dumpster have you pulled that joke out of?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, stop, close your eyes, face-palm a bit, shake your head, sigh and ignore what he just said, it doesn't warrant a response anyway. Only do this if it comes naturally to you though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these shut down his joke, show that you don't think it's funny and hopefully make him think a bit. It might take a couple of tries to get him to stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's making jokes like that, he should be able to take this without being too offended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21762" LastEditorUserId="21762" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T08:36:07.737" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T08:36:07.737" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18521" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18545" CreationDate="2018-09-17T22:13:09.563" Score="0" ViewCount="874" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have recently decided to trade in my car for a leased car. So far no issues. The problem is that I usually pass through anything I want to purchase with my dad. I am 30 and admittedly this may have been slightly rebellious, but the car purchase was well researched before hand. I am still living at home but looking to move out within the next year. My dad went off on a business trip and he won’t be back for a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is trying to break the news to him when he gets home in a way that can be a civil mature discussion. I am afraid of the worst as we usually have some really horrible fights and I want to avoid that. I want him to understand that I’m not going to run every financial purchase I want to make through him for his approval. I am capable of understanding budgeting, I make more than enough that it doesn’t threaten my future plans, and I want to be seen as an adult, not a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2408" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T00:05:13.913" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T16:55:46.060" Title="How can I tell my father I have traded in my car for leased car without checking with him?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18522" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-17T22:52:59.110" Score="46" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try cooperative board games where you have to work together to win instead of competing against each other. I personally recommend Forbidden Island and Arkham Horror. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; My wife has similar temper tantrums when she loses and I have to throw the game for her to feel better. She tells me this is because sometimes (more like always) she just wants to be spoiled like a kid. But losing on purpose is very boring for me and she gets mad if I make it too obvious I'm throwing the game. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Comparing with the other answers on this question:&lt;/strong&gt; Playing a group doesn't work, because she wants to always to be able to beat 1 person which usually becomes me. The peer pressure to be a good sport doesn't affect her. Educational route teaching her good sportsmanship didn't work, because she's not interested in changing. Given her other good qualities, bad sportsmanship isn't a deal breaker for me. The compromise we reached is to play cooperative board games together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastEditorUserId="17869" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T17:11:57.273" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T17:11:57.273" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18525" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18521" CreationDate="2018-09-18T07:44:01.597" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you want to be seen as an adult then act like one. You are 30 year's old and you have made a decision how to spend your money. You don't need to run that by your parents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would advise to disengage any attempt for confrontation from your parents because as soon as you start explaining your choices you are on the defensive and will be seen as that you NEED to explain your choices and that is definitely  not the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you live with your parents they will definitely notice the new purchase so when your father says something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh you got a new car. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't start justifying the purchase by explaining how good of a deal it was and so on. Just reply something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, isn't it cool? Do you want to take it for a spin? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if he asks:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why did you get a new car? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just go for the plain and simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For pretty much anything else he can point out as a concern just tell him not to worry and that you have it covered. No way for the discussion to be uncivil if there is no discussion. If he got a new car he wouldn't start explaining himself to you. Treat him as an equal if you want him to do the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I used this approach a few years ago when I made a bit of a reckless decision to go through paragliding training and spend about 33% of my yearly income on paragliding equipment. My father wanted to have a sit down and discuss it and I did exactly what I am suggesting to you. Just refuse to have a discussion. All of his concerns about, price and safety were rebuted with a simple &quot;This is what I want to do&quot; repeated about 10 times or so but it worked. As soon as you start defending yourself you are putting yourself at a disadvantage.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T08:19:43.250" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T08:19:43.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18526" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-18T08:04:09.233" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;There isn't anything that can completely solve your issue as it just comes down to personality. Some people just don't take losing well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Except for the already suggested Co-Op games that should work well because you are not competing with each other I would suggest getting some more Euro Style* games where there are multiple strategies for victory and it isn't very clear who is ahead before the final scoring.7 Wonders is a good example and recently I got Endevor: Age of Sail that I think would work very well. Both don't even have a scoreboard they are just scored at the end of the game and require a decent amount of strategy. Also there are games that are competitive but have some co-op elements that should work beautifully in your case. Between Two Cities comes to mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To sum it up just buy games without scoreboards, there are plenty. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&quot;Euro style&quot; is a category of games that are popular in Europe, many of which are from Germany, that tend to focus on mechanics/strategy over story/looks, and often involve a hidden score mechanic and no way to eliminate players. They often also have reduced ability to screw over other players during the game. (Erik's definition is exactly on point so I think it should be part of the answer not the comments)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T12:21:59.460" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T12:21:59.460" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18527" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-18T08:42:21.210" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Others suggest that you focus on cooperative games to avoid the situation altogether but my approach is different -- I would try to communicate with her to find out &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; she feels so strongly about losing. Either through discussions and plain introspection or a couple of therapy sessions to help her. My nephew was also a very sore loser (anger to the point of breaking things), and he has calmed down significantly after sitting down with him, working out why he feels so strongly about losing in a friendly competitive game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in your shoes I would focus on making it more lively, for example reacting stronger to a play by her that puts her at an advantage. This is what I have started doing when I play with my SO and it becomes more fun for her (and me, inadvertently) as she feels smaller &quot;wins&quot; throughout the game, despite the outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to teach others how to improve can often come across as you pointing out flaws and mistakes in their own gameplay, which can be very hard to take, and an entirely different beast to tackle; one we haven't been able to solve either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T23:48:02.163" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T23:48:02.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18528" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18521" CreationDate="2018-09-18T08:54:51.870" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't say much about your dad's personality, but I'm sure you must love him to care so much about his feelings. However the fact that as a 30 year old adult you are worried that he will react badly to a financial decision you made for yourself and you might get into a &quot;horrible fight&quot; does suggest to me that he has a tendency to react badly. If that is the case, there might be no interpersonal solution that can &lt;em&gt;avoid&lt;/em&gt; confrontation. The best you can hope for is to handle the confrontation in a calm, benign way that may win him over and set a precedent for any future disputes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also use a lease car, and while I acknowledge it isn't the right choice for everybody, when I did the maths it seemed a good financial decision for me. I don't know what the deal is where you live, but for me the monthly payment to lease a brand new vehicle is comparable to a monthly loan repayment on a 4-year old vehicle, yet it also includes breakdown cover, servicing and sometimes other car-related expenses too. I don't think my parents feel it is a good decision either though - they come from a generation where you bought something and the important thing was that it was yours, you owned it, and you had something to show for your money. It is an older way of thinking, not necessarily wrong, just a little inflexible. Perhaps your dad thinks a similar way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not win him over on the financial argument if he is not willing to change. But you could try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wasn't sure about a lease car to begin with, but I did the maths and it worked out really well for me. The cost is very reasonable, I get a brand new car and I don't have to worry about the maintenance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he isn't convinced but you think he is open to reasonable discussion you could give further information on the financial aspect. Adjusting for whatever your deal includes, you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know some people don't think it is good because you don't own a vehicle at the end of the lease, but brand new cars lose most of their value in the first 3 years anyway. If you want to drive a new car you lose much more money in depreciation than you do from leasing it. The cheaper option is to drive older cars, but then you pay a lot more on maintenance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally though, if your arguments with your dad are as &quot;horrible&quot; as you say, it will likely be a case of the more fuel you give the argument the longer it will burn. It might be best to clip it short and not discuss any &quot;details&quot;. Don't attack his point of view, just focus on the fact that this choice is &lt;em&gt;yours&lt;/em&gt; and what you consider best for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't think it is worth arguing about. I put lots of thought into my decision, and it is working out well for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T08:54:51.870" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-18T10:04:58.860" Score="39" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try and think &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; she might behave this way. Everybody thinks differently and not everyone finds enjoyment in the same things. I think perhaps the thing some people don't enjoy about board games and card games is that, while there is a small amount of &quot;skill&quot; in understanding the rules and strategies, they are mostly dependent on &lt;em&gt;random chance&lt;/em&gt; - the order into which the cards are shuffled, or the roll of the dice. To some that can seem exciting or fun, but to others it is just frustrating. Does perhaps your SO think this way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may also be possible that your SO has some insecurities that surface when she loses at games like this? I don't want to make assumptions, but most people in relationships want to feel &lt;em&gt;equal&lt;/em&gt;, yet have a hard time accepting that two people can be different in skill sets and abilities but still be &quot;equal&quot;. For example one person in a relationship may earn slightly more than the other, or have slightly more academic qualifications. Things like this can cause insecurities in some. It may be that the imbalance she sees in the number of games she wins to you (you suggested in a comment that you win 60-70% of the time) makes her feel less of an equal, or plays on an insecurity she already has about something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One way you could try and adjust her thinking without a confrontation would be to set the example when losing yourself. Rather than &quot;let her win&quot;, which is frankly patronising and something you would do to pacify a child, why not look for some kind of recreational activity in which you think she would legitimately kick your backside. There must be something in which you think her skills or ability, be it athletic, mental, whatever, would beat you. See, if you believe that the fun in playing games is in the playing, not the winning, then this won't matter to you. And after she's trounced you, have a laugh about it. Big her up without patronising her, but most importantly show that you &lt;em&gt;enjoyed&lt;/em&gt; the activity. Set the example for being a good sport and a gracious loser.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to talk to your SO about it at a time when she hasn't just lost a game to you. Perhaps before you begin a game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Before we begin, I just want to say that I like playing games, and I like being with you. I don't care who wins or loses, it doesn't mean anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this will reassure her in two ways - firstly that there isn't any meaning attached to winning a game, but secondly that you play games with her because you want to spend time with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T10:04:58.860" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18531" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-18T10:06:34.180" Score="34" Body="&lt;p&gt;Why not invite more people to play? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having 4 players instead of 2 means even if she's 2nd or 3rd, she still wins over the last one. The result would depend on whether she wants to win over someone, or finish first though...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the 3 other players are having fun, she will feel more pressure to not leave and spoil the game (ie, exploit peer pressure). Having only 2 players allows her to control the game: if she leaves, the game ends. Having 3-4 players prevents this. Even if she leaves, you can finish the game with the others while she sulks and pouts and feels like the sore loser. That should be educational ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T10:06:34.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18533" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-18T10:27:02.537" Score="78" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been a bad loser. I've thrown tantrums like you describe your girlfriend does. I have recovered (reasonably), but it took me years. Your girlfriend may have different variables during her recovery, so it may take longer or shorter, but it will far from instant. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is something you can't solve for your girlfriend. She has to learn to accept that losing is okay. This is something she has to do and you can only support her, so don't blame yourself if you don't succeed. Let's outline a few steps you can take. There are two sides to this answer, but they are tightly interwoven. An interpersonal one for you and an intrapersonal one for your girlfriend. This site is called Interpersonal skills, so I'll focus on your interpersonal skills, but I think focusing on her intrapersonal skills is important here too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most importantly, &lt;strong&gt;don't judge&lt;/strong&gt;. Not in the moment, not afterward. The feeling of losing is not a fun one, not to anyone. We can learn to cope with it, but it will never be fun. Judging her for feeling bad won't make her feel better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do not try to provide criticism in the moment&lt;/strong&gt;. Someone who is experiencing strong negative emotions is rarely receptive to criticism. Instead show support. Relate to her. Losing does suck, but it's also part of life. Don't rub the &quot;it's part of life in&quot;, but don't leave it out either. You don't want to make her feel worse, but at the same time you don't want to reward her for throwing a fit. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Help her figure out why she hates losing&lt;/strong&gt;. You can try a little mind game with her, this one worked with me. (When she's feeling happy or neutral, not after she has just lost or is feeling tired) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Why do we play games? Are games fun if we always win? Your first answer may be &quot;of course!&quot;. But is that the case? Imagine a computer game for a moment. The moment you start it, 5 seconds in, it shows the screen &quot;you win!&quot;. You won. Does that game sound fun to you? Winning is fun if we overcome a challenge. A game needs a challenge. More difficult challenges that we can still win are often most fun. Ever played this really difficult game of chess that you barely won? That is a great feeling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Games are most fun when we play it in a level that is close to our skill level. To be able to have a meaningful win, we must have losses sometimes. Wins don't mean anything without a loss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A loss allows us to reflect on how we can improve and to get better. A loss is a game on it's own. Losing is just an opportunity to improve. Getting back up, getting better and learning, that's the goal. Maybe it's the journey, not the destination?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a mindset, some people have it naturally (like you, it seems), others can be taught (like me and your girlfriend). Changing a mindset is not easy. As I said earier, you can only support her, but she needs your support. Be gentle and don't force your opinions on her (yes, I share your opinion on winning/losing now, but don't forget that a mindset is still an opinion!) or you will be met with stubbornness. &lt;strong&gt;Be her ally, not her enemy&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That can be a tactic even. Challenge a game together or even other players. I love 2v2 matches with my boyfriend in World of Warcraft, for example. We fight a common enemy. If we lose, we'll talk about how we can improve. Not blaming the other person is something I had to work on here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For working together, I can recommend Minecraft (preferably a quest pack with goals) for a computer game or Pandemic and Arkham Horror for board games. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A final note: games have a degree of chance and a degree of skill. Some games are 100% chance (roulette) and other games are 100% skill (chess), but most games are inbetween. Dealing with losses in chance games is different than dealing with losses in skill games, but it sometimes gets difficult when a game has both elements. I dealt with games with mainly skill elements in my answer. Chance elements require a different but similar approach. In the first stages of recovering, I found it difficult to deal with losses in games that had both elements, even if I could handle the elements seperately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="12101" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T09:53:24.147" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T09:53:24.147" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18534" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-18T10:50:37.843" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I mentioned in the comments elsewhere, it could be that you need to spend some time investigating other types of games. Perhaps your SO feels that the games you are playing are tailored more towards your own particular strengths, and so it's not that she is particularly bad, but that she has a natural disadvantage before the game even begins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, my own SO is dyslexic/dyscalculic. As a result, she tends to not like games that are overly focused on maths or have lots of text - even though she's more than smart enough to play such games, she feels she is at a disadvantage before the game even begins, and it's not one she can overcome simply by playing more or getting better at the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, she's creative and enjoys games that are focused more on story-telling, or art. We enjoy &lt;em&gt;Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective&lt;/em&gt; because it's story based, working co-operatively to solve a mystery, while allowing me to do most of the reading and not disadvantaging her as a result (and while it's co-operative, it still allows each person to shine by figuring out different parts of the mystery and feeling smart about it). We also enjoy games like &lt;em&gt;Mysterium&lt;/em&gt;, which revolve more around social deduction and again there's no reading, just lots of gorgeous art. Dexterity games, such as &lt;em&gt;Flick 'Em Up&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;Catacombs&lt;/em&gt; also go down really well (additionally if one person is unnaturally good at such games, they're easy to houserule handicap rules for).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to figure out which aspects of the games you have played with your SO she has enjoyed the most, and which aspects she has enjoyed the least (I know you said losing in general, but does it seem more like she dislikes losing due to an aspect of the game she finds personally challenging, or an aspect of the game that's luck-based and outside of her control, etc), this could tell you a lot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, perhaps it's the type of game, or perhaps she doesn't like that the game itself places you both in direct conflict. Again, while you have said you don't necessarily want to play co-operative games, you might find some success playing so called semi-co-operative games (games where you are ostensibly both playing on the same side against the game's mechanics, but you still have your own individual victory conditions, so that there's still an overall winner but minus the direct confrontation aspect). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm the kind of person who doesn't necessarily enjoy confrontational games, and while I really enjoy co-op games as a result (for me the experience is worth more than the win), semi-co-ops are a good compromise if you want to keep things a little competitive without necessarily feeling like you're deliberately attacking the other player for the duration of the game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13343" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T10:50:37.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18535" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-18T11:52:41.323" Score="-4" ViewCount="652" Body="&lt;p&gt;People don't age at the same speed. The variance for age of (non-violent, natural) death is several decades. And you can notice this difference in the speed of aging at an earlier age, too. Some people appear ancient at sixty, others are virile and look youthful at the same age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a bit over 50 years old, and yet people who don't know my age regularly guess that I am around 40 years old. The youngest I was thought to be was &quot;in my twenties&quot; when I was 45 years old. I couldn't quite believe that, and after repeated displays of incredulity on my part, the other person corrected themselves to &quot;thirty&quot;. Today, my skin is still free of wrinkles, I'm slim and physically fit, and my lifestile is that of a 25 year old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Face to face, much younger people readily accept me as one of their peers, and young women react very open to my approach. In fact my last two relationships were with women both sixteen years younger, and all my friends are between 25 and 38.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in online dating, where one has to specify one's age, age is the prime selector after gender. Women that are only a few years younger (and sometimes look older than I), consistently sort me out as too old. The common reply (if I get one) when I write to a fourty year old woman is: &quot;I'm looking for a man my age.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Since I am consistently judged to be about ten years younger than I really am, is it appropriate to specify a younger age in online dating?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I look like I'm fourty, is it okay for me to pretend to be fourty in online dating?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of this lie is to enable me to get in contact with those women that would positively react to my approach in a face to face situation, instead of the women my own age who don't regard me as their equal due to my age-inappropriate lifestyle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other aspect is that I will probably live longer than those people my age who look their age. My greatparents all lived to around ninety, at a time when the average age of death was seventy. My parents are ninety and of good health. They might live to be a hundred. So in a sense I am not fifty in the same way than some other fifty-year-olds. Giving my &quot;real&quot; age would actually be misleading, if you consider age as indicating the state of one's health and the lifespan one has left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21777" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T17:09:22.743" Title="I look ten years younger. Is it appropriate to give a younger age in online dating?" Tags="&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-18T12:22:01.470" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18536" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18535" CreationDate="2018-09-18T12:17:28.723" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've never used online dating, so I'm not sure if this will work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume that the website has an entry for age, and a free text field where you can write about yourself.  If so, &lt;strong&gt;I recommend you enter &quot;40&quot; as your age but clearly state your true age in your description of yourself.&lt;/strong&gt;  You might also discuss why you entered &quot;40&quot; as your age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The age entry of &quot;40&quot; will get you the views you want, but your description will remove the element of deception.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8524" LastEditorUserId="8524" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T12:36:17.947" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T12:36:17.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18535" CreationDate="2018-09-18T12:36:22.897" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; recommend doing this. Women have their reasons for wanting someone in a specific age range, and every man who wants to date younger women thinks he should be the exception, so they won't be impressed when they find out you lied to get them to give you a chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's understandable that you have this impulse. In online dating, people judge and exclude possible partners based on numeric values (age, height, distance) they might be willing to overlook in another context. But many women get a massive amount of attention online, and have to filter it somehow or they would be overwhelmed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting a relationship with a lie will undermine your partner's trust even if she does not dump you right then. With height, you could claim you have an unusual measuring technique, but with age it's obvious you know exactly what you're doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend finding women whose preferred range includes both your real age and your apparent age. If you're 1-3 years beyond the top of the range, most women won't be bothered by that either. Design your profile to emphasize your youthful looks and lifestyle. Don't lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4613" LastEditorUserId="17872" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T17:09:22.743" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T17:09:22.743" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18539" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-18T14:06:13.620" Score="7" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Focus on the positive&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Board games often have many dimensions and someone may be ahead in one (or a few) dimensions, while being behind in others. For example, you may have a lot of &amp;quot;points&amp;quot;, which may be how the game is ultimately scored, but she has plenty of &amp;quot;resources&amp;quot;, which can be used to gain &amp;quot;points&amp;quot; in the long term (trying to keep the example general).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she complains, you can highlight one part of the game which &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; going well for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could (a) distract her from complaining or thinking about the big picture by giving her something to focus on, (b) get her to think of the other dimensions of the game and (c) point her towards a strategy that might help her win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: There is no sense in playing, it's over anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Well, I'm going to get a hard time winning against that giant army of yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: With all those mines you'll probably catch up in no time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I'll have a hard time winning if you manage to promote that pawn of yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Don't directly disagree with her or invalidate her feelings&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says &amp;quot;it's over&amp;quot;, don't say &amp;quot;it's not over&amp;quot; nor &amp;quot;don't say that&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's more confrontational and is thus more likely to make her defensive and less open to changing her mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Keep it light-hearted&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one may or may not work, depending on her personality and your delivery, but you could try some light-hearted humour in response to what she says.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also combine this with focusing on the positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: There is no sense in playing, it's over anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: You're just trying to get me to let my guard down to buy you some time to finish that barracks of yours, aren't you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Remind her of when she caught up&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can highlight a specific time when she was behind and managed to catch up and win, that could help her believe there's still a chance she can win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Specifics about the game would help, to make it easier to compare, but don't worry too much if you can't get it 100% right (or if you get it largely wrong, for that matter).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: There is no sense in playing, it's over anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: It's only 10-5. Didn't you manage to win from 10-4 last week?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T14:06:13.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18540" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18501" CreationDate="2018-09-18T14:50:45.553" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm Dutch, so perhaps I have some cultural sensitivity on the other side of this question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This guy is obviously not racist in the hard sense: he doesn't mind you being Indian (or the other guy being from Suriname) enough to stay away from you. Instead you are friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you suggest yourself, I think that you should team up with your friend from Suriname and explain to this guy - who probably just honestly thinks he's funny - that he is not just not amusing you. He's actively annoying you and coming across as racist. Tell him that. Being in a minority (in that 3-some) should do him some good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the indirect stuff in the other answers may just come across as more banter. I tried that recently with someone and they just upped the ante. [Though, since I'm a woman, which also changes the dynamic]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course if - after some straight talk - he continues the jokes, I don't know if you should stay friends with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;=== edit ===&#xA;The OP obviously wants to remain friends with this guy. The only way I would personally consider that is by trying to talk about it. This scenario is a 'strength in numbers' attempt that should make it an easier conversation. But no, I have not tried this solution. As a white woman, I have not been in this situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not personally want to stay - or become - friends with someone like this, but to each their own. I can hardly stand it when people make this sort of joke in the office. I would not want to be around this stuff in my free time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I do think that in some cases this type of conversation is a good idea. After all - if people don't talk to each other about what bothers them, then what is the quality of the friendship anyhow? And if someone grows up in a circumstance of cultural insensitivity, the only way they will change is if people tell them that there is a problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4855" LastEditorUserId="4855" LastEditDate="2018-09-19T15:09:03.520" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T15:09:03.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-18T16:02:21.963" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she is a fan of sports, find a game where her favorite team overcomes a very big deficit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Her: There is no sense in playing, it's over anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Did the Patriots quit when they were losing by 28 points? No, they keep playing and won the super bowl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=016LXFHpFCk&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=016LXFHpFCk&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or something like this:&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAPmqbY6Omw&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAPmqbY6Omw&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also share and discuss quotes like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/1v9KF.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/1v9KF.png&quot; alt=&quot;A picture of Michael Jordan with a quote saying: &amp;quot;I&amp;#39;ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I&amp;#39;ve lost almost 3000 games.26 times, I&amp;#39;ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I&amp;#39;ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.&amp;quot;&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, &quot;How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?&quot; Edison replied, &quot;I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10608" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-30T20:51:35.960" LastActivityDate="2018-12-30T20:51:35.960" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18543" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18495" CreationDate="2018-09-18T16:17:40.753" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Jennifer wants to know what's on your mind before you talk to her brothers about it.  Tell her your interested in adding romance to the relationship, but you're worried about how her brothers will react.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She did ask you prom, and you went together, that's pretty special.  Without reading too much into it, I'd imagine the idea of romance has crossed get mind already.  What does she think?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3041" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T16:17:40.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18544" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18470" CreationDate="2018-09-18T16:48:59.630" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe his behavior is normal for reasons I'll outline below, however if you are finding it to be draining to reply right away or that the frequency of his texts bothers you you should talk about it sooner rather than later. If you explain that you don't like to spend much time on your phone and that your work and activities take you away from your phone so you are not able to respond right away there shouldn't be any hard feelings on his side. The beauty of texting is the fact that it's asynchronous he can leave you messages and you can get back to him at your leisure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being a guy myself who has used online dating for some time I tend to think that this is normal online dating behavior on his part. Texting frequently before first meeting for a date is normal, it allows both parties to get a better idea of what the person is like (yes some dating sites have more extensive profiles where you can read what they've said about themselves but hearing about in conversation can reveal more about them), gauge each each others' interest level and make the prospect of your date more exciting.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Texting before dates can also be fairly important for more introverted people who have trouble making conversation with people they don't know very well as they can get ideas of what you're passionate about, or that you have in common to talk about when you're on your date.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly on this topic, as was briefly mentioned in a comment, simply setting a date to meet and stopping communication until just before the date may not work for most people in online dating. Keep in mind that with online dating its very possible for them to be looking at and talking to many different people, stopping communication can give the impression that the person doesn't consider the date to be important to them, or that they've lost interest in you and that they've abandoned the date (hopefully letting you know they've cancelled but they may not since its an online interaction).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T16:48:59.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18521" CreationDate="2018-09-18T16:55:46.060" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to stop this conversation before it begins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing wrong with telling your father about your decision to lease this vehicle. In fact, you should! It's always nice for parents to hear what you're up to in regard to medium/large decisions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; want to justify your decision to him. There's nothing wrong with explaining why you made a decision, but you are under no obligation to do so because &lt;strong&gt;this decision does not affect your father&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More importantly, you've described your father as someone who takes great care in other peoples' decisions. This is a good reason for you to not justify it at all, because...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When you list justifications for a decision, you are opening up opportunities for an argument.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to prevent the argument&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, you need to start the conversation as if you are &lt;em&gt;telling&lt;/em&gt; them your decision. Do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; make it seem like you are explaining, justifying, or confessing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey Dad, guess what? I leased a new car!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or let's say your parents ask you what you've been into lately, you can say &amp;quot;I recently leased a car for my commute&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've indicated that at this point your dad will be upset. Perhaps he will try to argue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Do NOT engage!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a few sample conversations you can use to &lt;strong&gt;shut down&lt;/strong&gt; a brewing argument:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: Why would you do that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I wanted to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: So you think that makes it a good decision?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Yup!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your dad may insult you, be angry, complain, etc, but at this point, he has nothing to argue with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully at this point, he leaves it alone and the subject changes. But let's say he presses on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: Well, how much is the lease?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I'd prefer not to talk about finances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad: You are making a horrible financial decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Well I'm finished talk about it. [Insert something that changes the subject].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he keeps pressing, just leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, &lt;strong&gt;it takes 2 people to fight&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, you &lt;strong&gt;cannot&lt;/strong&gt; control another person's emotional reactions. He may be angry, bad mood, etc, but at least you can avoid a fight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T16:55:46.060" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18547" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-18T20:01:47.993" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Lots of good answers here already, but I wanted to add one thing I didn't see:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Re-emphasize game elements other than winning&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's frustrating to try to play a strong game and then fall short (my friends and I had to institute an &quot;it's fun to win&quot; rule so that the person who was clearly going to win games of Risk could actually do so). But winning and losing comprise barely any of the time spent playing most games!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Games are usually about making interesting choices, and those are still possible even if it seems like you're going to lose. In many games it's not even possible to make that assessment until the game is essentially concluded anyways (how else could you analyze the consequences of your strategies?). This is very person-dependent, but if you can help her &quot;find the fun&quot; in game&lt;em&gt;play&lt;/em&gt; rather than game &lt;em&gt;conclusions&lt;/em&gt; it could go a long way towards avoiding these ruts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Optional: No Compromise&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, personally, don't have much patience for &quot;it's just how I react&quot; arguments. Most people react as your girlfriend does when losing games-- from ages 4 to 7. Most people subsequently mature and grow out of it. Even if it's how your girlfriend &quot;naturally&quot; reacts to not obviously winning that's hardly an immutable trait. I doubt you would accept the position if her response to losing were arson rather than a tantrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've spent time with people who behave similarly to your girlfriend in this way, and unless I perceive some efforts to improve this childish behavior I don't play those sorts of games with them. Period. We can hang out and do other things, but if playing games with them is likely to not be fun due to potential explosions I'd rather do something where fun is more likely. If you two simply have non-overlapping approaches to what makes games fun and worthwhile, and neither of you will budge then there's little point in forcing the activity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T20:01:47.993" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18548" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-18T20:27:13.533" Score="7" ViewCount="1125" Body="&lt;p&gt;Inspired by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/18518/2667&quot;&gt;the reverse question&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife and I play a lot of board games (e.g. &lt;em&gt;7 Wonders&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Carcassonne&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;Ticket to Ride&lt;/em&gt;), and some card games (e.g. gin rummy) or video games (e.g. &lt;em&gt;Mario Kart&lt;/em&gt;). We both quite enjoy them, though they’re more important to me than she.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the most part, she refuses to play competitively: she’ll play as well as she’s able, but only up to the limit of what she can do without messing up others. This does not interfere with her enjoyment of the game! She’s happy to play without any serious regard for winning or losing, and is much happier not being competitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems to be guilt-driven: she feels bad ruining anyone else’s strategy. For examples,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In gin, she will be (a little) upset to learn that she had a card another player needed to win, even if she 1. also needed it, and 2. had no way of knowing that in the first place (neither of us is much good at counting cards, and in particular she makes no attempt to do so).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She’s very careful with shells in &lt;em&gt;Mario Kart&lt;/em&gt;, to make sure she only ever uses them on computer opponents rather than one of the human players. She’ll let a blue shell (which automatically attacks the racer in 1st place) sit unused, blocking her ability to pick up something else, if she knows I’m in 1st. If she accidentally does hit me with a shell, she feels some (moderate) guilt about that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither of these things necessarily ruins the game for her, and she’s certainly not distraught or anything about it, but the negative feelings associated with these things are enough to affect how she chooses to play the game, as evinced by the blue shell thing. She isn’t particularly bothered by this, and enjoys the game even if she loses. She’s certainly much happier losing than she is with the negative feelings associated with attacking another player. As such, she has little motivation to change, and therefore change may be impossible and attempting to change her might well be inappropriate. &lt;em&gt;I know that.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, I think she might enjoy the game more if she got a little more competitive. Certainly I don’t think she ought to be experiencing negative emotions over playing a game well and fairly; alleviating those would be a primary goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And yes, to be honest, it affects my experience as well: I end up trying to play “nice” both out of a desire to reciprocate and also to try to keep the playing field level, but ultimately there is zero way to know if I won because of better play, or because she “out-niced” me. It would be nice to be able to convince her that I would enjoy the game &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; if she frustrated my tactics, than if she let me win. I have said as much, but she doesn’t seem to buy it—or, at least, doesn’t buy it enough to feel free to do so and not feel guilty about it. It feels a little silly that her attempts to improve my play experience actually degrade that experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal here is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; to enjoy game time with my wife: I already do that. Therefore, answers focusing on playing something else, like a cooperative game (&lt;em&gt;Pandemic&lt;/em&gt; is already one of our favorites) are missing the point and not answering the question. The goal here is also &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; to enjoy the challenge of stiff competition for its own sake: I already do that, too. Therefore, answers focusing on finding that challenge elsewhere are also missing the point and not answering the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal here is to alleviate her negative feelings associated with competitive play, hoping to achieve greater satisfaction and enjoyment of game time for both of us. Answers should focus on how to achieve that, if possible, and if an answer wishes to claim it is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; possible, which may well be true, that needs evidence to support it. Answers will absolutely be judged on how well they Back It Up! per Stack Exchange principles, and answers that assert facts without backing them up will be downvoted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2667" LastEditorUserId="2667" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T23:39:46.453" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T03:01:32.670" Title="How to help my SO feel less guilty when playing competitively in games?" Tags="&lt;games&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18548" CreationDate="2018-09-18T21:03:41.417" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I suspect what you need to find is games that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;are &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; co-operative&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;where players can stymie each other&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;where most stymie moves are not obviously so at the time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you're playing cards, and hearts are led, and you play the king, and she has the ace, she knows playing it will beat you. And in many games, there's that moment of &quot;if I play here, that person can't get to x.&quot; You want to avoid that, and avoid games that only provide that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We play crayon-drawn train games, for example. There's no point trying to be the third person to build between Liverpool and Edinburgh in British Rails. But when the first person builds, they are not actively stymieing anyone. Even the second person has no idea whether anyone else would ever want to do that. And if they build, the third person will just choose different loads from their load cards. I think there are enough of these strategy games, where you get some frustration and difficulty but it's not &quot;ha! I threw a bomb under you car!&quot; I don't care for that either, so I don't play those kind of games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this will achieve two things. First, it will give you a chance to play a competitive game, and experience some of that frustration you want. Second, your wife will make some choices that later stymie you, and will see that nothing bad comes of that. You might even practice verbalizing your pleasure at having a little puzzle to solve of how you can do X even though someone has already A and B. This will let her experience the positive side of playing more competitively, even though she didn't do so on purpose. Then one of two things will happen. She'll either refuse to play those games, or play them super weirdly to be entirely sure none of her choices could turn out to be a problem later, or (more likely I think) she could start to be ok with making these sorts of blocking moves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Will she ever want to throw a bomb under your car? Probably not. But she may be able to move a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="61" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T22:32:15.073" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T22:32:15.073" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18548" CreationDate="2018-09-18T21:54:00.670" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on my own experience, you may be out of luck. What it sounds like you are looking for is someone that will provide a competitive edge for you-- but that requires an opponent who is pushing to win (and that generally has the flip side of pushing for other players to lose). That drive is the very thing that she doesn't have and doesn't want, and without that motivation it will be difficult for her to provide the type of play you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not just a conscious decision to play the game under X approach that makes for a competitive player and an exciting challenge. It's the underlying motivation to claim victory that fuels a competition, with actual play just being an expression of that personality or mindset. Competitive play requires constant engagement with the game, which in turn requires some motivation to engage. People that I know that don't have a desire to win strong enough that they will compete hard tend not to compete.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With board games that tends to mean playing ones that I can hardly stand (&lt;em&gt;Apples to Apples&lt;/em&gt;, I'm looking at you) or ending up with sessions where I find games hard to play (a player that doesn't care about winning can change the state of the game in ways that are hard to account for), or games where the less competitive people just don't have much fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried and tried to excite people so that they feel the same way that I do about games that I love, but when they are dead set against competing for first place it's been all but impossible to get them to compete for first place (in any meaningful way, at least). It's similar to getting someone that hates broccoli to enthusiastically eat a plate of plain broccoli-- it's not a matter of a small tweak here or there, they fundamentally dislike the core elements of the underlying activity. Every moment of trying to force themselves to play as I would prefer is a chore, and the lack of interest has tended to make for mediocre performance (in terms of acting as a more challenging opponent).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two ideas which might help at the margins:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Pursue a &quot;broker&quot; strategy (not necessarily a &lt;em&gt;competitive&lt;/em&gt; one)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may fall into the category of &quot;play different games&quot;, but some games have less-competitive play styles available while still allowing players to be involved with the game and other players. If you can find such strategies in games you already play, suggesting them to her might provide a nice, alternative option to heavy competitiveness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example I'll mention Settlers of Catan. You can easily amass resources and play to make deals with others based on some arbitrary criteria (you may want to maximally help all other players, for example). You can do that even without pursuing victory yourself-- the &quot;broker&quot; player essentially becomes another feature of the game, and others can adapt their strategies to take advantage of that feature. That might be less of an option in Carcassone (always help people close out cities, maybe?), but it could be an option in more games than you might think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Express that player strategies &lt;em&gt;depend&lt;/em&gt; on interference from other players&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Playing the game well isn't about hurting or dominating other players, it's about devising strong strategies and executing them effectively. Opponents aren't playing against me as much as they are playing against the strategy I have devised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's &lt;em&gt;nicer&lt;/em&gt;, in terms of what I want, for other players to let me test those strategies out and see how they perform than it is to just let me win (winning the game is fun, but often a secondary goal for me). So it's not a matter of helping me to win or lose but instead to help me hone my understanding of the game. She may not go for this at all, but removing the personal element and replacing it with a technical one might help her replace her guiding play style with another (for certain games, at least) without having to change her attitude or feelings about competitive games in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-09-18T22:27:07.687" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T22:27:07.687" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18548" CreationDate="2018-09-18T22:05:58.807" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;what about playing games where direct competition is heavily encouraged (think connect four or 2 person blokus), in these sort of games much of the enjoyment comes from out strategizing the other player. To further encourage competitive play in these games you can try suggesting what moves they could make to counter what you did, this can show that you want them to challenge you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I use this method fairly often when teaching someone a new game I am familiar with since I'm a competitive person as well. I think this method works well to increase the feeling of being challenged against someone who doesn't know the game and even more so for someone who knows the game.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively would a game like dominion where you don't always know for sure who is winning be helpful? Dominion can be set up using different combinations of cards so if your wife doesn't like playing cards that harm your strategy you could use a different set up that doesn't include any of those cards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T22:05:58.807" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18554" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18559" CreationDate="2018-09-18T22:30:06.913" Score="7" ViewCount="719" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; Strained relationship with my father, symptoms of which are: the only thing he can talk to me about are life choices, when I want to talk about literally &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt; else. How can I discuss this with him in a sensitive way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For important context, my parents got divorced when I was in early childhood. Dad was emotionally abusive and had a lot of anger issues, although I don't remember/was shielded from the worst of it. Suffice to say I never developed a bond with him when I was young. I've spent most of my childhood and teenage years, however, being the only son he could regularly talk to, as my younger brother can't talk and my older brother was estranged far worse. So I've visited him on weekends for about as long as I can remember, out of duty and knowing how much it would hurt him to not see me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dad has since mellowed out and gotten much better over the years, and has supported me financially throughout all of my teenage years and through university. Although we get on, I still struggle to talk to him about anything. Part of the reason is that the only thing he'll talk to me about is careers, college, university, life choices, where I'm going next, or just constantly giving me advice. And I hate it, absolutely. I understand that from his perspective he's supporting me, nurturing me and trying to help me to grow, but when people are constantly trying to tell me to do something, I instinctively want to do the opposite, and every time he tries to make me talk about what I'm going to do in my life, I want to talk about it less.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, while he clearly thinks he's supporting me by doing this, he doesn't see that I've spent my teenage and adult life trying really really hard to create a bond with him that I never had as a child, for his own sake, and I just can't connect with him. I really do try, I try to talk to him about other things - what's going on in my own life, my interests, music, television, film; what's going on in his life, his interests, his work, his everything else. And this will work for a little bit before conversation just fizzles out and then we stop talking. I still haven't managed to find our common interests, the things we both enjoy and are passionate about, and feel like I have no way to connect with him - and the constant barrage of &quot;advice&quot; just turns me off even trying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this is something that requires a deep and honest conversation, but I've never been good at that - I've never told him how I really feel about anything before, and never been able to explain to him how his support actually makes me feel stifled. I hate confrontation, and I think a small part of me is still scared that I'll make him angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So really, I want to know how to best break it to my dad that the way he's trying to develop a normal relationship with me isn't working and is pushing me away, and I need him to be able to talk to me about anything that isn't related to my future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11026" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T02:37:08.960" Title="How can I approach my dad talking to me about nothing but career and life choices?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;estranged-relations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18556" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18554" CreationDate="2018-09-18T23:00:48.700" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Try using Nonviolent Communication (aka &quot;Compassionate Communication&quot;) with your Dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The template used goes &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;When you do [A] I feel [B].  I need [C].  I need you to do [D].&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So applying the template to your case you might try&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Because I love you so much, I need to discuss something with you. When we get together you either ask me about career and life choices or you give me advice.  We don't talk much about anything else.  When people tell me what to do I want to do the opposite because I'm an adult and I've earned the right to make my own choices. So I feel sad and distant from you. I really need to feel that you both love me and respect me and my choices.  Could we work on talking about stuff we both enjoy?  Is there something we could do together and enjoy each other's company?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feel free to substitute your own A, B, C and D here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T23:00:48.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18557" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18554" CreationDate="2018-09-18T23:09:03.423" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Bring it up during conversation. When your dad tries to inquire about how things are going in your life, you should respond with something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I appreciate that you're interested in how things are going for me, but do you think we could talk about X instead? I think it might be fun to just forget about that stuff for a while and talk about something random! Did you see the preview for Captain Marvel yet? Looks good/bad!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's as simple as that for step 1. It doesn't &lt;em&gt;sound&lt;/em&gt; like you've tried anything yet to specifically inform him of how you're feeling, so this is a gentle opener. It informs him (CASUALLY) that you want to talk about something else. He could just not realize how you feel about this. Checking in on what's going on in someone else's life could just be how he makes small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he refuses to accept this, you can move onto something more serious, like what empty suggested, but I think it's probably best to start with something more subtle - that might be all you need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12278" LastActivityDate="2018-09-18T23:09:03.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18559" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18554" CreationDate="2018-09-19T01:59:46.150" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having been a dad in a somewhat similar situation... He's trying. Being a dad is a hard thing to be. One of those things that you don't fully wrap your head around till you're doing it and questioning wether you're doing it well, so you try harder... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a vicious cycle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a dad you're trying to impart all of those lessons and tips you wish someone told you when you were young, it seems like your sworn duty to prepare someone for life. That's an awful lot to take on, particularly when no one really taught you most of that stuff. It's easy to forget that you learned most of those things through trial and error, by making your own mistakes, by being your own person...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's even harder to watch someone you care about make many of the same mistakes and learn many of the same lessons, the hard way...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... You try really hard to get your kids to &quot;do the right things&quot; and &quot;make the right choices&quot; while bypassing those really hard moments. You also forget to take a step back from guiding them, to just be with them. And, ya, that sucks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me and my dad had a pretty terrible relationship. We never saw eye to eye on much of anything. He was always trying desperately to tell me how to live, and I always looked at his life and questioned whether that was what I wanted for myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Funny thing is... My kids probably looked at me at thought the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing I didn't realize about my dad, and the thing my kids didn't realize about me was, &lt;strong&gt;everyone wants something better for their kids than what they had.&lt;/strong&gt; Dads just have a rather limited tool box to draw from. They're doing their best, but being a good dad is an impossibly high standard. When you're a very small child, a dad is omnipotent, and then the reality slowly sets in .. No one is qualified. No one was properly trained for it. You just end up doing your best with what you have. (And admittedly, that sucks too.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope that gives you a better picture of where he's likely coming from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On to what to do about it...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk to him.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask him if he can drop the &quot;dad&quot; for a little while and just get to know him as a man, as a person. This will be hard for him, because it's his role. Probably a huge part of his identity as a person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It'll be easier with more frequent contact, if you're talking to him more than just, ya'know, checking in on holidays and birthdays. If you're only communicating on the rare occasion, he'll feel the need to squeeze in all those life lessons when he has the opportunity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him get that &quot;dad stuff&quot; said and out of his system, and ask him if he'd like to join you for a cup of coffee or a pint. (Honestly a pint may be preferable.) And then really sit down and get to know the guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My one regret with my own dad is that I didn't get to do that before he died. And honestly, I know because he told me, it was his one regret with his own dad. If you still have the opportunity, take it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-09-19T02:37:08.960" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T02:37:08.960" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18562" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18548" CreationDate="2018-09-19T07:16:38.323" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a gamer myself, on one side I really appreciate your wife's attitude (I despise those that play only to disrupt other's strategies) and on the other side I understand your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I see different solutions that can help her learn to be more competitive (or you less), that are not mutually exclusive. Plus a frame challenge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Play co-op games. There are plenty of video and board-games that have co-op modes/rules, find one that both enjoy and she will have to play as competitively as possible to help the team. This can help her learn to be more competitive.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Play games that have bartering mechanics (e.g. &lt;em&gt;Settlers of Catan&lt;/em&gt;). She will be in the position of helping others even while competing against them, this should help her feelings in that regard. This can help learn not feeling bad if others can't complete their strategies (e.g. they could ask for help but they did not/was not enough)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talk directly to her. You say&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think she might enjoy the game more if she got a little more competitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;but would she? Sure, we are speaking about your wife, so you know better than me what she does/not like, but in my experience, even after years of knowing a person, they might surprise us in unexpected ways. Are you sure she does not prefer avoiding competition and actually enjoys the game more if there is less competition?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If there are other players in addition to you two, play as a team. Example, in &lt;em&gt;Ticket to Ride&lt;/em&gt; you could try to play together and by doing so you will learn about each other's decision process. She might be able to lean from your competitiveness (or you might learn from her lack thereof, who knows). I realize that this is easier said than done, as communication is easily &quot;intercepted&quot; by other players severely affecting the balance of the game, a possible workaround is that for a few matches &lt;em&gt;only teams&lt;/em&gt; are allowed.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9000" LastEditorUserId="9000" LastEditDate="2018-09-19T16:48:39.027" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T16:48:39.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18563" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18548" CreationDate="2018-09-19T07:48:30.990" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The problem can be separated in two parts. One is the emotions she goes through when interacting with other player and the other is motivation to try to interact more with other players.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the motivation part you can consider &quot;Upping the stakes&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe when you play versus your SO you can make small bets for trivial chores i.e. whoever loses takes the trash out and does the dishes. Any other favors or small things that are part of daily life would do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might encourage her to go try harder to win. You might need to go into unfavorable odds for you but lets for a moment consider you managed to get her to play all out and win at all costs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Afterwards you will have to face the real problem which is that this isn't enjoyable for her. You can try to help her feel better about it by praising her strategy or skill, explaining that you enjoy it more when she challenges you and so on. Though that might help a bit it will still probably not be enjoyable for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which brings me back to basics. The reason we play games is to enjoy ourselves.&#xA;We are all different and we enjoy different things. It is always nice when your SO enjoys things that you enjoy as well but it is pretty much impossible to overlap in every single way. At the end of the day you are asking her to enjoy an activity less so you can enjoy it more with the reasoning that if you enjoy it more she might enjoy it more. It is flawed logic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T07:48:30.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18564" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18567" CreationDate="2018-09-19T07:56:39.683" Score="1" ViewCount="479" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a three bedroom apartment with three of my former colleagues. Two of us have a room of their own, while I share my room with P(his initial name). P is also the most outspoken and social amongst us and we usually have a good chat now and then. But most of the time his behaviour is really annoying and intolerable. He points out to me even my smallest mistakes. Like if I forgot to keep the glass of milk in the sink he sends me a pic to remind me. Oftentimes, he suggest how I can do things better or what is the right way to do them. When I confront him that every one commits mistakes, he makes illogical arguments that he never makes mistakes.&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;           &lt;br/&gt; Sometimes, he just says random things to annoy me. Like you took too much of the curry and you shouldn't have, as there won't be much left for the rest of us(when in fact I took okayish amount and he is the one who can be accused of this quite often). &lt;br/&gt;&#xA;          &lt;br/&gt; I sometimes lose my cool, but it seems to make him glad. He says that he is only trying to make me a better person and such silly stuff. I also ignore some of his things which annoy me like he eats a lot of snacks and keeps them hidden, and often eats them in a different room(so that I may not get to eat some of 'his' snacks).&lt;br/&gt;&#xA;            &lt;br/&gt;  He also listens to music and other stuff without headphones and doesn't use them until I plead with him and tell him that it is really annoying.&#xA;          &lt;br/&gt;The rest of the flatmates are all fine. We have good conversations often and don't bother each other with petty stuff. &lt;br/&gt;&#xA;             How can I make the situation better so that I dont have to look for accommodation elsewhere?       &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21795" LastEditorUserId="21795" LastEditDate="2018-09-19T08:15:22.760" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T08:24:11.610" Title="How to deal with annoying Room mate?" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-09-20T08:29:57.407" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18548" CreationDate="2018-09-19T08:03:52.950" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You slowly encourage competitive play through light hearted teasing and humour&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have hosted and attended weekly board-game meet-ups with friends and strangers for a few years now and have encountered just about every level of competitiveness. In my experience, so long as the player is &lt;strong&gt;actively interested&lt;/strong&gt; in the game and &lt;strong&gt;willing to put in effort&lt;/strong&gt; for their own enjoyment or the groups then there are lots of ways to encourage them to be competitive. Your SO is clearly not disinterested in these games, and even better, she &lt;strong&gt;wants&lt;/strong&gt; everyone and especially you to have fun so the solution lies in showing her just how much fun it is for YOU when she (for example) steals a train route out from under your nose in ticket-to-ride.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Immediately there is an obvious obstacle, you can't show her how much you like something if she never does it. To get past this you will need to &lt;strong&gt;provoke&lt;/strong&gt; small amounts of competitiveness, react positively and slowly build up from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Teasing as indirect, playful provocation&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Teasing is a great way to provoke people, but it does come with some unwarranted negative connotations as while ideally done with good intentions and clear to everyone as a jest, it can also be a form of bullying. Don't worry, you are not about to bully your SO. As &lt;a href=&quot;https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/f327/7906dcbc51b8a47cd837c82dae5890ba3a80.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this review&lt;/a&gt; shows, the way to identify (and show others) that the teasing is not hostile is in the number and clarity of off record markers used to signal that what is being said was done in jest. In my experience, the best off record markers will be whatever you and your SO find the most funny. Whether thats exaggeration, using metaphors, references to existing jokes, personifying a fictional character... its up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where your humour comes in. You should surround the entire interaction with humour. It is both your off record marker and a great way to show that you are having fun. When they get provoked into some minor competitive play you need to show that you enjoyed it. You can go for the direct gleeful sound followed by a comment on how much you enjoyed that move, but there are so many other ways to show that you liked something that you could also do. Use your and their sense of humour, rely on running jokes, do whatever you can to show that you are enjoying being crushingly defeated. Once clearly having fun you can also react by escalating the competitiveness with more teasing and humour. Remember, teasing should be done in jest which means there is a back and forth so don't just encourage them to be competitive, encourage them to tease you back! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This solution is not fool proof. I obviously can't speak for any deeper rooted personal issues, and people that simply couldn't care less about the game or the other people playing are a pet peeve of mine and it can be very difficult to encourage them to do anything. However, your SO does not sound like that at all, in fact it sounds more like they care &lt;em&gt;too&lt;/em&gt; much. This is a good thing. Social dynamics have a lot of reciprocation, so they will hopefully reciprocate everyone's enjoyment and find themselves more often than not playing in the way that they think will be the most fun for everyone (competitively!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the group dynamic is that most people absolutely hate losing! then encouraging competitiveness in that environment will be quite the battle. I would instead work on establishing a seperate group dynamic in a different context, even if that just means when its only the two of you playing mario cart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T03:01:32.670" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T03:01:32.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18470" CreationDate="2018-09-19T08:23:05.213" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been through this myself quite recently, when I began dating again after coming out of a lengthy relationship. Unlike the other responses, I think I have a different perspective on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like you, I've experienced people who seemed very heavy on messaging frequently, and despite finding it a bit over-the-top, at first I wanted to be polite so would always reply as quickly as I could. After going through this with a few different dates, I found it exhausting and actually made it less exciting for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution here is to be more in control of how much you communicate, by not feeling obliged to respond to every message you receive. Don't apologise for this either. Let's say you've been at work all day, and your date has sent you two or three messages. There's nothing wrong with replying after work and responding to all their messages in a single reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, either you choose to increase the frequency that you message to match their expectations, or you decide to message them how much &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; want to, and see whether they start messaging a bit less as a result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes this might not work - the date may decide you aren't communicating enough and move on to someone else, but that's no bad thing if you aren't comfortable with someone who needs that level of interaction so early into dating. They probably aren't going to get any better, so the issue would eventually annoy you more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T08:23:05.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18567" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18564" CreationDate="2018-09-19T08:24:11.610" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a very broad question, but what I would do is sit down with him and point out specific examples in which he has been inconsiderate, and then explain how you feel. I would also let him explain his side of the story, and how he feels, and how you can come to a conclusion so that you can co-exist in the apartment. Buy a couple of beers and ask him to join you so that it doesen't feel too awkward to have that conversation. Because right now you do not feel that it is working. What you may consider annoying, such as him reminding you to put away dishes, and him &quot;hiding&quot; his own snacks, he may find annoying too; having to remind his roommate to do his dishes and feeling the need to keep his snacks hidden from you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T08:24:11.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18568" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18501" CreationDate="2018-09-19T09:22:15.060" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;I too am from the Netherlands and have made (jokey) comments about a friend's origin in the past. Others thought it was really funny, but he didn't like it at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day he told me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you stop making jokes about my origin? I don't think it's funny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said I'm sorry and I didn't mean to hurt or disrespect him in any way. I've never made a joke about it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This works especially well in the Netherlands. Because we tend to be very direct; If you don't like something, just say it how it is. Dutch people will generally respect that, especially friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19587" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T09:22:15.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18569" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-19T09:35:56.660" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can just stop when she says it's over or otherwise indicates she wants to stop.  This is a tactic my friend used on his children.  If they were sulking or being obstructive (which might be because they were losing or for other reasons) he would just ask them that since it appeared they weren't enjoying themselves did they want to stop.  Sometimes they did and sometimes they didn't because they realised they did want to play and the cost of that was behaving like an adult.  Either way the bad experience of playing with someone who is being difficult ended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure it's not fun for you to only be allowed to lose.  There is more than one person's feelings to consider here.  If she can't get over this (and she really should be able to) perhaps this is not something you can enjoy together at all.  I don't think there's any harm telling her this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I disagreed with a couple of the answers regarding what type of game to play.  It is possible she just dislikes losing in which case there's not much you can do but in my experience there are a few types of things that can cause frustration, which turns in to bad behaviour in a person who can't manage it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first is when a game is too random, you come up with what you think is a good move and the dice (or whatever) just stabs you in the back.  Sometimes this is still your fault because you should have had contingencies in place in case you were unlucky but either way some people find that very frustrating.  If this seems to be the case you could try games with very low levels of randomness.  Rumis, Manhattan Project or Citadels spring to mind but you could research on boardgamegeek.com looking for low randomness games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next is a game which is too skill based.  The exact opposite basically. Lots of games have some element of randomness because most people don't find it fun to always lose to someone that is better than them at the game.  If you can blame bad luck, or a gamble that just didn't pay off, a lot of people can laugh off the loss.  If you are just out manouevered at every turn and beaten because you just weren't smart (or devious, or persuasive) enough it can be frustrating.  Games with a high level of randomness but still enough skill to make it interesting could include Risk or King of Tokyo.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This probably doesn't apply to you since it seems your problem is mostly two player but a game where you can get teamed up on because either you are not good at persuading the other players or they pick on you for some possibly out of game reasons can be extremely annoying.  It's especially frustrating if you think they are victimising you even when there is no good in-game reason (that is, you aren't in the lead).  Games which are considered 'multi-player solitaire' on boardgamegeek are a good antidote to this.  Most of these aren't actually solitaire but they feel that way to some people.  Examples could be Carcassonne, Caverna and Ticket to Ride.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I agree with another answer suggesting co-operative games.  Sometimes people deal better when it is 'the game' that is beating them instead of a person.  A lot of these games have tunable difficulty levels so you could ensure you would win most of the time while still having a somewhat interesting time (depending on how much of a challenge you need to be entertained).  Games like Arkham Horror, Zombicide and Pandemic can be fun to play even if you are losing badly but you can make them so easy that someone with even a basic grasp of the tactics can win 90% of the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A game where it is very hard to tell who is winning until the very end might work well too.  There are quite a few games where you don't work out the score until the end and unless you put a lot of effort in it's hard to see who is really winning.  This would put off any bad feelings until the end and perhaps this would be better. Maybe allowing the frustration to fester for a long time makes it worse and a short sharp shock of &quot;oh, I lost&quot; would blow over quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17000" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T09:35:56.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18570" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-19T10:26:32.403" Score="2" ViewCount="397" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently accepted receipt of some flowers for a neighbour who wasn’t home. We don’t know the neighbour at all (even to say hi on the street). The flowers are clearly for a death in their family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The delivery person said they had put a card through their door explaining that we have the flowers. Even so, I’ve been round a few times now to hand the flowers over but nobody is home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At some point soon the flowers will start to wilt/die. At this point, what is the best course of action? Should I throw them away and explain that they’d died when the neighbour inevitably comes to get them or should I keep them and hand over a bouquet of dead flowers? Is there an alternative course of action which would be better than either of these?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; the concern is that I want to return the property but am worried that it will have significantly deteriorated by such time as that is possible. I don’t know the neighbour or their situation and am not interested in getting involved further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21798" LastEditorUserId="21798" LastEditDate="2018-09-19T10:39:37.553" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T10:54:26.687" Title="Accepted receipt of ‘deepest sympathy’ flowers for neighbour" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18570" CreationDate="2018-09-19T10:51:15.410" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is very opinion based and I can't really back it up by anything but when you lose a family member the very last thing on your mind is what happened with a bunch of flowers that someone sent to your apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is keep them until they start to wilt and throw them away. Keep the card and try to return that to the neighbor in person. Tell them you are sorry for their loss and forget about it. I don't think any reasonable people will fault you for not keeping dead flowers in your apartment for unspecified amount of time. Though keep in mind that people going through such hard times might not always be reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are asking about an interaction with an unknown to you person so this is just a guessing game. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T10:51:15.410" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18570" CreationDate="2018-09-19T10:54:26.687" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would assume that they have been quite busy tending to important matters after the death of a beloved one. What I would do is try to take care of the flowers to the extent of my best ability, but if they wilt before they return I would wait for them to return, then purchase new flowers (and add the original card with it) and hand them over while offering condolences. You should of course also tell them that the flowers withered but you got them new ones (as not to make it seem as if they were the original flowers because that could backfire).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they instead come knocking because they saw that the delivery man's card, I would explain that the flowers unfortunately withered, but kept the card  safe for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T10:54:26.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18573" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18499" CreationDate="2018-09-19T11:05:18.910" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This applies to most situations in which you are uncertain of what the correct answer is -- just ask. He does not have to feel defensive if you phrase it in a curious way, such as: &#xA;&quot;Hey! I think this is going great, but I am wondering how the time is counted. Shouldn't I have like two hours left of training?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an instructor he should definitely have been asked this question a hundred times already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on how pleased you are with his answer, you can also call the school just to ask how they calculate the time; or even call a nearby competing school and ask how they do it. Often they will have the same planning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T11:05:18.910" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18574" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-19T11:28:04.450" Score="3" ViewCount="762" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background:&lt;/strong&gt; My siblings are used to spending money without a care in the world and it has leaked into the board games we play. When we play games they always want to bet. When I ask them if we can just play for fun I am met with a lot of peer pressure and criticism. I just want to have fun and not make the game more stressful by losing money I really don't want to put out, but my family finds it less fun without betting. It's not a phenomenal amount of money and I could just suck it up and chip in so everyone is happy but owing family money is never fun. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; How do I deal with people who constantly bet at games when I don't want to bet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt; I like Onyz and Upper_case's answers. I will awake the next game night and try both of the answers and will accept which one works better. Let me know if this does not align with how Stack Exchange operates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3231" LastEditorUserId="3231" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T07:55:10.830" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T07:55:10.830" Title="Family constantly bets when playing games" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;games&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18575" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-19T11:31:13.867" Score="27" ViewCount="4633" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a job where I frequently meet new clients. Sometimes this is good, but often, it can be quite difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll meet people who I have nothing in common with. So we'll explore a few topics - sports, weather, family life or whatever - basically just small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, if I find no interesting topic to latch onto, it gets really awkward and we run out of things to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this job, aside from performing the task well, it's actually really important to build some sort of rapport with the client, because a lot of whether I'll get repeat business is based on this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I build rapport with someone who I find boring and have nothing in common with?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21801" LastActivityDate="2018-09-29T06:11:49.663" Title="How do I build a rapport with someone I find really boring and have nothing in common with?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18576" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18574" CreationDate="2018-09-19T11:36:35.910" Score="4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Firm But Gentle Boundaries!&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a pretty common answer around here, so at the risk of repeating something that has been said before...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's okay to just say no. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Oh, are you all going to play X?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: Yep, gonna play for money again!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Oh, no thank you, I'm not interested in playing for money.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Them: &lt;em&gt;peer pressure&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: I appreciate it, but I think I'm going to go do [other activity] instead&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand it can be hard to stick to your guns like this. In the past I've had trouble with it, but just like anything else the more you do it the easier it gets. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something that has helped me in the past is to have a backup activity already in mind ahead of time, and script the conversation out in your head. Then when the time comes, you're not surprised and undefended, you're reading from a mental script.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course it goes without saying that if they acquiesce to your demands, you don't need to leave and do the backup activity. If they do, then you can play the way you want. If they don't, you still get to do your fun backup activity, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope that helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3426" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T11:36:35.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18577" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18575" CreationDate="2018-09-19T11:38:26.497" Score="53" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest way for me to build rapport with peers is to be interested in their hobbies -- I may not be interested in, say, music production, but I sure will ask them about the process of how to figure out and create a song. Usually they light up and love to talk about their passions, and passion is fun to talk about. &quot;So what are your interests? Oh, golfing huh? You know, I've actually never golfed, but it looks so relaxing. Is it difficult to learn?&quot; for example is usually a very good way to start it off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I should also note that I am usually much younger than my co-workers and clients, and very rarely do my hobbies align with theirs, and talking about passions in general has always been a great middle ground for us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T11:38:26.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18578" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18575" CreationDate="2018-09-19T12:23:04.573" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Building rapport is an essential part of creating long-term relationships. Generally, men and women have different interests and this also varies from person to person. Building rapport with most of the people is not difficult if your approach is right. Here is what you should do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find the things, topics, and activities your client likes to do or what interests them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Use this information as a tool to engage them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, engaging people and building rapport are easy when you talk to people about things they like rather than what you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Secondly, if you find something common then it is a bonus for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13555" LastEditorUserId="13555" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T04:20:40.767" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T04:20:40.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18575" CreationDate="2018-09-19T13:10:58.387" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;The fact that you find some people &quot;boring&quot; suggests to me that you personally find interest in very &lt;em&gt;specific&lt;/em&gt; things. Perhaps you have a particular interest or a range of interests that you enjoy discussing, but are struggling to feign interest outside of that &quot;sphere&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That description probably fits myself to a degree - I enjoy music and films on multiple levels, both as a listener/watcher but also as a creator/writer. There's a bunch of other subjects I am enthusiastic about too. But what I have found is that, if I can tap into &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; someone else is enthusiastic about a subject &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; are into but I am not, I can sort of feed off their enthusiasm and &quot;appreciate&quot; the subject, even if I don't feel like exploring it any further myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give you a personal example - I used to work with a guy who liked trains. I have no interest in trains. In fact, in the UK &quot;train enthusiasts&quot; (or &quot;trainspotters&quot;, as some are termed both correctly and sometimes incorrectly) have been the subject of jokes for decades. To many, they are the original &quot;nerds&quot;, long before the internet came along and made it cool to be a nerd! But after asking some genuine questions about where his particular interest came from, and why he found it interesting, I did kind of understand it, on a level. He liked a particular &lt;em&gt;kind&lt;/em&gt; of engine that only carried passengers in rare circumstances when there was a shortage of other engines. He found the process of (a) finding out that this particular train was being put into use at short notice, then (b) getting to that part of the country in time, and (c) clocking up hours riding on this &quot;rare&quot; train, to be exciting. And, I can sort of get that. Trains might not be interesting to me, but exploring the country and the &quot;thrill of the chase&quot; sounds like fun. It reminds me of the thrill I get from seeing my favourite bands at different venues around the country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what I am suggesting is that you don't have to like the same things as someone to find a way to talk about it. Explore their interests until you can appreciate them on a level you can relate to, and you might find that you can have a conversation you both understand and find interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T13:10:58.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18581" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-19T13:18:00.773" Score="5" ViewCount="1250" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background: To get a technical diploma I started to attend school last week again and will be there till may next year. I'm currently 22 yo and I'm generally a very agreeable person. The school is about 35 minutes of driving time away from me and has very few parking slots.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I knew beforehand that one other very shy guy (Bob) from my small town would also visit the school, so I planned to carpool with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the first day everyone introduced themselves. A third guy (Steve) heard us talking about where we were from and asked if we could drive together. Picking him up adds about 5 - 10 minutes of detour to the overall drive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was the first day and not knowing anyone yet but Bob I thought I'd be fine and maybe even a good opportunity to make a new friend. Steve didn't tell us he would not have a car the majority of the time for the next three months till the next day after we already agreed on it but told us, he'd give us money for the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now after a little more than a week, I don't feel like it's really working out. The extra minutes of detour would be fine if the ride itself was fun. It's not really because Steve doesn't talk much and only looks at his smartphone. Steve also comes across as arrogant and judging from the few stories he told me as a somewhat vengeful or narcissistic person (proudly talking about how he was almost fired for ignoring his superiors orders).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even worse at school he does ignore Bob and me (avoids eye contact, walks very far behind or in front) and only talks with his clique. Which is weird because while I don't talk much with the people in his group I have no problems having a normal conversation with them - and for that matter I'm doing fine with most people there. He didn't even know my name after a full week even though we had to introduce ourselves 3 times at that point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Steve's behaviour feels unacceptable and disrespectful to me. &lt;strong&gt;While he doesn't have to acknowledge my presence I also don't have to drive him to school.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;He's is depended on Bob and me, because the bus, his only alternative aside from Bob, takes over an hour and will put him at school 40 minutes early. (So 1h 40m of time while being expensive.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to avoid getting personal because he will still be in my class for the rest of the year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I tell him politely I won't drive him anymore without making him an enemy?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: Bob and I take turns driving our own cars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21804" LastEditorUserId="21804" LastEditDate="2018-09-19T13:55:00.653" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T21:58:02.760" Title="How do I tell someone I won't drive them anymore, when they have no car?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18582" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18575" CreationDate="2018-09-19T13:34:36.983" Score="9" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have a job where I frequently meet new clients&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this set-up, you always have at least one thing in common, namely work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Build rapport in their career, what the company does, what is it's purpose. This is also helpful for your pitch/onward working relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Examples might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What brought you to working for the Civil Service?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What are you working on at the moment?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What did you study to become a data scientist?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user5012" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T13:34:36.983" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18583" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-19T13:52:33.453" Score="8" ViewCount="933" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a client paying for my take-out at a small authentic restaurant and quite pregnant. The female asian clerk is laying it on thick with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Are you sure there is just one in there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;= Yup! Just one!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really?!?! That can't be!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;= I tend to get big, it was the same for my first, I got a lot of comments.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;When are you due? It must be soon?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;= Sometime in mid-November...still quite a way to go!&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;staring at my belly with wide surprised eyes&lt;/em&gt; ...and more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The place is pretty small, it sits maybe 20 people at most. It's mostly a counter with a little grocery. The lady was about my age and quite loud.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm assuming she may not be native to the culture because she had a pretty thick accent, possibly Japanese.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could tell she wasn't ill-intentioned but a bit clueless of local etiquette. I've had a lot of similar comments from other local workers but they're not typically as loud or expressive and a bit more careful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wasn't angry and played along to an extent as to not make her uncomfortable (and I'm getting used to this). It got me wondering however, that if it were me, I would want to know if I was doing something rude in a culture that isn't my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't go there very often but often enough to recognize workers' faces. She seemed to be a new employee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How could you let someone from a different culture know that they are doing something rude without putting them on the spot in the workplace?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21401" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T00:10:20.953" Title="How do I let someone from a different culture know that they are doing something rude?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18584" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18581" CreationDate="2018-09-19T14:09:22.387" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Excerpt from the comments, serves as a &lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Steve is paying for his lack of providing a car for 1 out of 3 trips, right? Assuming it's a fair compensation, he's not really getting a favor (nor are you providing a service) from you as much as he's contributing equally.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  From the looks of it, Steve's a bit more practical about your arrangement and doesn't quite see friendship as part of the deal. Regardless of why he chooses to approach the agreement this way, I see nothing wrong about what he's doing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As I said, you're free to end the agreement, but I'm not convinced that Steve's behavior is a valid justification for doing so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This maybe isn't what you want to hear, but I would consider dropping an agreement because of Steve not meeting an (&lt;em&gt;unspoken&lt;/em&gt;) agreement of being your friend is not a valid justification.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;That doesn't mean you can't change your mind&lt;/strong&gt;. The agreement was not set in stone and you can change or revoke it. But if Steve were to be upset about it, I'd say he's got a fair point of view (unless he exagerates).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The extra minutes of detour would be fine if the ride itself was fun. It's not really because Steve doesn't talk much and only looks at his smartphone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I can understand you being disappointed that Steve's not partaking in conversations, I don't think you can require him to do so either. If he doesn't want to talk, he shouldn't be forced to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your carpool agreement does not bind him to be your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Steve also comes across as arrogant and judging from the few stories he told me as a somewhat vengeful or narcissistic person (proudly talking about how he was almost fired for ignoring his superiors orders).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is he actively arrogant (or otherwise unfriendly) towards you, or is he simply talking and revealing things about himself that show he is an arrogant person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the former, you have a valid complaint about Steve's behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the latter, you're effectively judging Steve based on his personality. This by itself is not a valid reason to break the agreement. Not everyone's character is flawless, not everyone is able to remove/hide/counteract their personal flaws. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Steve is not actively acting out against you, I don't think you can really judge him for misbehaving. At worst, you can consider this a clash of characters rather than misbehavior on Steve's part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Even worse at school he does ignore Bob and me (avoids eye contact, walks very far behind or in front) and only talks with his clique.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's specifically avoiding you or talking about you behind your back, that is a slight.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if he's simply hanging out with his friends instead of you, that's perfectly fine. Just because you carpool doesn't mean he needs to hang out with you during the day. He did not sign a friendship contract.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;While he doesn't have to acknowledge my presence I also don't have to drive him to school.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I get your point, do keep in mind that you came to an agreement where you drive him to school. Steve didn't particularly agree to hang out with you during school hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to avoid getting personal because he will still be in my class for the rest of the year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're judging him based on him not meeting unspoken expectations, and his character. While you're of course entitled to your opinion, you have made it personal (at the very least to Steve's point of view).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to avoid it getting personal would be by lying about your reasons to end the agreement, and lying is inherently not a good interpersonal solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;While your assessment of Steve's personality may be accurate&lt;/strong&gt;, even if it is spot on, it does not inherently invalidate the carpool deal that was made, as long as Steve is not actively being a dick to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I tell him politely I won't drive him anymore without making him an enemy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;If Steve were already being actively disrespectful towards you, as per your claim, how would you expect him to stop doing so after you cancel the agreement? I doubt it's going to get better.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't guarantee that Steve won't mind you breaking the agreement. However, that doesn't mean you're not allowed to change or cancel the agreement. The best you can do here is be polite, explain that it's a mismatch of characters and &lt;strong&gt;do not&lt;/strong&gt; resort to namecalling, criticizing or judging. Don't make statements that imply he is the problem. Focus on the fact that you and him are a bad fit, rather than one person being &quot;bad&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Offer him a reasonable notice period so he can make arrangements. I can't tell you how long; that very much depends on Steve's situation (and general behavior towards you during the notice period). Talking to him might even be enough to shake him loose and address the issues you've experienced - if you're willing to give him a second chance at least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether Steve takes offence or not, depends on Steve. If he does get upset (within reasonable boundaries), you can't really hold that against him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2018-09-19T19:49:36.537" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T19:49:36.537" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18585" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18581" CreationDate="2018-09-19T14:19:02.530" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just be direct with him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry Steve, but I can no longer carpool with you.  You will have to take the bus or find some other means of transportation going forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to give a reason, it is your car and your time and you are not his personal driver ( and based on your description of Steve, he is not much of a friend ).  If that makes him an &quot;enemy&quot;, that is his problem not yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21812" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T14:19:02.530" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18587" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18583" CreationDate="2018-09-19T14:48:08.353" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Interesting question. But is this really a cultural difference, or your personal preference? I'm assuming you are from a Western culture, and although I can see why you find the persistent questions about your baby bump to be rude, I don't believe everybody from your culture would feel that way. Even if the questions aren't phrased the politest way, I further believe that many people would make allowances for the other person's cultural background and their speaking in a second language. After all, I'm sure they don't think they are being rude - quite the opposite, they surely want your custom and are just trying to make general chit-chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my own experience of expecting kids (and we're expecting one as I write this), it isn't always the questions you get asked that are rude, but the fact you get asked them over and over by different people that make them tiresome and unpleasant to answer after a while. And the reason I believe the same people ask the same questions over and over is because the information is way less important to &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; than it is to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, so they have no intention of retaining your answers when it is just friendly chatter. So next time they see you, they just ask again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, all that said, I don't feel I should be suggesting a way for you to say to her that what she is saying is rude in your culture. I think it would be better for you to say that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; find it uncomfortable to talk about. Which is what I think the real problem is. And that is fine! Interpersonal skills is all about communicating, and we all have different feelings and different things to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could say, with a smile:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Everywhere I go at the moment people want to talk about my baby bump! I'd love to talk about something else for a change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To really show that you're not being rude yourself, maybe raise a subject you would like to talk about. As the lady seems so interested in your baby why not ask her if she has kids?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T14:48:08.353" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18589" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18574" CreationDate="2018-09-19T15:06:58.760" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;That sounds tough-- if the betting is their favorite part, you'll probably have a hard time separating them from it. Some possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Bet tokens that aren't money&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you bet poker chips instead of cash, the gambling element is still there but doesn't cost anyone any money. The tokens can still have some kind of value (being worth a chore, or control of the TV channel, or something else). They could even be redeemable for cash (i.e., they're good for chores but can also be traded at a face value of $1 or something).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might not like this, as betting behaviors can be very different when the stakes are for money versus something else. But if the tokens have mutually appreciated value to you and your siblings it could be a great alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Bet, but don't really collect&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can still bet on games, and win and lose those bets, without having any money actually change hands. If you instead keep a family ledger of outstanding &quot;debts&quot;, it can still be clear who is winning and losing over time but the tab never needs to be closed out. Over the long run I would expect the debts to mostly cancel out, though even if that's not the case as long as the tab is not called it wouldn't really matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Make book!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is my favorite approach. If you have studied (or are willing to study a bit of) statistics, you can organize bets and side bets between your siblings. This is more complicated than just saying &quot;I'll bet $5 I win this game&quot;, but also allows for more interesting bets (with varied odds, conditions, etc.). Correctly assigning odds to attract bets in workable proportions means that you generally won't lose any money. If you take a margin on payouts you can even make money (though I personally would not do so in a case like this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would allow betting to occur to your siblings' preferences, inherently removes you from betting, and (depending on what you find interesting) may add something of interest to you in the betting process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T15:06:58.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18590" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17786" CreationDate="2018-09-19T17:37:54.590" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the feedback from your friends is real and meaningful. If they're telling you to lose weight, then take that as a sign to double down on your existing efforts.  You've already shown you can lose 30lb, and of course it's not going to happen overnight, but you'll wake up in 3 years time and the weight you are then (and the consequent effect on your dating life) will be entirely determined by the effort you put in now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not that you have to wait till then to make meaningful improvements.  Your friends have suggested that you get involved in hobbies; if you aren't sure what to do, then you should follow up.  Ask if they can introduce you to some of the hobbies they take part in (and some of the girls they know through those hobbies).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, you mention that you have a hard time getting feedback from girls because you tend to drop out of contact rather than getting rejected outright.  A relationship is not a job interview where you get feedback at the very end; it's an ongoing process of communication.  If you're meeting a girl for a first date, ask her to be honest with you &lt;em&gt;during the date&lt;/em&gt; about whether or not she sees things going further.  Reassure her that you won't take things personally, and keep a humorous attitude so that you can at least give her the impression that that's the case. Get feedback early and often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that works quite well is to ask a girl what her 'type' or 'usual type' is.  This gives her an easy way to tell you things she isn't keen on about you.  For example, if she says that she likes really tall guys, then you might be able to tell later on that she rejected you because of your height.  If she says she likes skinny guys, or guys who play sports or music, then you might get more of a picture into why you might not be fitting the requirements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With any luck, you will get a bigger picture of what girls are after, and also see that, just as all women are different, so are their tastes in men.  If you've been rejected because of your height, for example, then you know that there's no kind of self-improvement you can do that will change that; you just need to find a girl who is shorter than you in heels, or who isn't looking for a super tall guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4571" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T17:37:54.590" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18591" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-19T18:46:58.407" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're not gonna like my answer because she's already told you. &quot;she says we should just stop playing&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A strong negative emotional dynamic is something that takes time to change. These changes often &lt;strong&gt;cannot be accelerated by someone other than themselves&lt;/strong&gt;, because, as the cliche goes, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mentioning her age to be 24 has no bearing on this, because a person just doesn't magically master their emotional flaws. Everyone has room to grow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like other commenters have mentioned, there are many ways you can try to investigate and probe the root cause of this. &lt;strong&gt;But be warned&lt;/strong&gt; that any prying into a person's emotional subspace is going to invoke emotional responses, requiring emotional willpower, and will be emotionally draining. Keep this in mind because you're the one putting her into this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My recommendation is to, as the cliche goes, &lt;strong&gt;listen to your girlfriend&lt;/strong&gt;. She made it very clear that &quot;she says we should just stop playing&quot;. The more you probe or push her, the more she will notice your inconsideration of her will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about this: what is your motivation in this endeavor? Are you doing this for her or for yourself? Is playing cards/board games that much of a deal breaker?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21824" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T18:46:58.407" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18592" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18594" CreationDate="2018-09-19T19:17:46.423" Score="42" ViewCount="8307" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, just yesterday iOS 12 came out for Apple devices. All of my family (including me) use Apple devices faithfully. My dad has used a Mac since they were first commercially available for the public. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;iOS 12 has some serious parental control upgrades that will allow my parents to have complete control over everything I do on my iPad. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.apple.com/ios/ios-12/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here&lt;/a&gt; is a link to where you can read up on what's new. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am 16 years old. I don't have any sort of phone yet because I deem myself too young and I don't have the money for one yet. Not owning a phone eliminates most of my problems in this area. Anyway, when I bought my iPad I was too young to work at a real job. I used some birthday money to pay for pamphlets and I walked around and hired myself out as an amateur yard-worker. It was seriously hard work. I handed out 400 pamphlets and only 7 people followed up. I saved up my hard earned money and bought myself a MacBook and an iPad to teach myself how to code. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really have anything to hide anymore but I would appreciate my iPad being my iPad. It seems like it would be unfair for my parents to invade my ownership like this. My parents will most likely (although, we haven't updated yet) take advantage of this new Screen Time feature in iOS 12 and restrict my usage because I have a really bad track record of hiding things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will admit, I used to look at pornography a lot. I was hugely addicted to it. Back when iOS 7-9 was still jail-breakable I figured out how to remove all the restrictions my parents had put in place and I could download whatever games or apps I wanted. I got caught doing all these things (Because your sins always find you out) and developed a ton of trust issues with my parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was back when I was really irresponsible and untrustworthy. I &lt;em&gt;feel like&lt;/em&gt; I have built a lot of that trust back up. I think it would be unfair for my parents to do this. I don't have a lot going for me. I'm only 16, technically still a minor which means my parents own my devices. I have regretfully proven myself untrustworthy before, which gives them a lot of incentive to invoke some restrictions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, how can I approach them and ask them to trust me and respect my privacy? I don't really use my iPad for much. Mostly just school, some gaming with friends, and multi-tasking with my job. I think I do a good job of regulating my own behavior. How do I tell my parents this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10634" LastEditorUserId="10634" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T09:53:06.127" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T09:53:06.127" Title="How to ask parents to respect my privacy" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;privacy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17786" CreationDate="2018-09-19T19:19:06.863" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have to be very clear about your expectations about &quot;real, meaningful feedback&quot;. I think most people see no benefit for themselves in telling you 100% exactly what they think about you and your performance in dating. It could lead to misunderstandings, conflicts or guilt if they go too far. Would you dare tell one of your friends he is fat/unsexy/a loser/lazy/impolite etc? The same goes for women giving you their opinion and the effect is in fact stronger in this case, because there is always the fear of being overpowered. It also makes you look desperate in their eyes and they will lose some respect. Your guy friends might also have no idea what a girl wants. Are they popular with girls themselves? Finally, is there any really objective opinion? Ask 20 people a similarly open question (not about you) and see how little their opinions will overlap. As much as I would love some of that honest feedback myself, I think it is not worth the trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From a first glance, it seems that you are intelligent and you pay attention to other people's responses, body language, etc. But you are trying to catch a signal (the girl's interest) in a noisy environment (irregular and half-honest feedback) by calibrating your sensors as well as possible (asking for honest feedback). There will always be some noise and this is something we have to expect. If you are always trying to reduce it, you will just perpetuate your insecurity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, what I suggest is to to embrace the noise until patterns start to emerge. Find an activity that you enjoy and that involves plenty of women, just to get a glimpse of how they think and become more comfortable around them. For me, that was social dancing (salsa, swing, tango, whatever), for which there is always a shortage of men at the higher levels. You have to work together with your partner and you often have to switch partners. It might also help you with your weight loss goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck with your targets in any case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21826" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T19:19:06.863" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18592" CreationDate="2018-09-19T19:46:48.197" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;You are in a challenging spot that pretty much every adult can identify with - you feel like an adult, you want to have adult responsibilities and the ability to make adult decisions, yet you're still legally a child and feel like your parents have too much control over you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really have 2 options here.  Option 1 is to let the narrative happen.  Option 2, which I recommend to develop as an excellent interpersonal skill, is for you to control the narrative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To do that, you approach them.  Acknowledge your mistake.  Show how you have changed.  Tell them that you have the iPad and want to earn their trust - now how do you do it?  And then you (gasp) do it.  Winning back trust doesn't happen overnight.  It takes longer to win it back than it did to lose it, and that's another important interpersonal skill to have - being trustworthy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have an excellent beginning here in your question.  I'd say just that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't really use my iPad for much. Mostly just school, some gaming with friends, and multi-tasking with my job. I think I do a good job of regulating my own behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then talk about the initiative you put into this.  You did lawn jobs.  You saved.  Tell them why you don't have a phone.  These are mature decisions and should be pointed out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then you show them that you can self-regulate.  As they see that you've changed, the restrictions should lessen up slowly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you talk to them, be calm.  Accept their decision.  The angrier you are and the more you fight, the less chance you have of winning.  If the decision doesn't go your way and you are calm about it, there's a chance of it changing down the road.  If you yell and fight, the decision gets a LOT harder to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to any negotiation is to solve a problem for the other person.  Look at the reasons you parents would want to restrict your access, and discuss how you would solve that problem without their needing to do something.  Be frank and serious - if you try to patronize them, they'll see through it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've got kids of my own and I can tell you this: it's very hard when you have to switch from being an active participant in your kid's life to being a spectator. Some navigate that easier than others do.  All your life, they've had to make decisions for you and you're at an age where they can start letting some of those go - but there's a whole (literally) lifetime of them not doing that.  So be patient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T17:58:41.923" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T17:58:41.923" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18595" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18499" CreationDate="2018-09-19T20:02:36.277" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems clear that the instructor was depending on making the money. There is nothing wrong about this at all. We grow accustomed to what we do for a living making us the money we need. You surprised him and shook his cage when you asked your simple question. This can be seen from his reaction and reliance on somebody else to follow up. You have no need to apologize but would do well to do so anyway. You can chalk up your question to a higher authority, the wife/husband who needed this explanation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the instructor is taking too much time he must have thought you were happy to spend time hanging with him. Instead you have a set purpose and budget and limited time to spend. If you (both) proceed with a clear business like attitude you can get to the end of your transaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21222" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T20:02:36.277" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18592" CreationDate="2018-09-19T20:10:56.840" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;baldPrussian makes some excellent points.  What you need to do is negotiate with your parents to find a mutually beneficial solution, one that gives you additional privacy but gives your parents assurance that you're not doing anything that will affect your health or safety. They are still legally responsible for you and more importantly they love you and don't want you to come to harm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best book on negotiating is &quot;Getting to Yes&quot; by Fisher and Ury. I suggest you read at least the summary &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.beyondintractability.org/bksum/fisher-getting&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;(click here)&lt;/a&gt; because mastery of negotiation techniques will demonstrate your maturity in a way that simple words cannot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The four principles of &quot;Getting to Yes&quot; are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;separating people from the problem, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;focusing on interests rather than&#xA;positions, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;generating a variety of options before settling on an&#xA;agreement, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;insisting that the agreement be based on objective&#xA;criteria&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Getting to Yes&quot; has techniques for dealing with obstacles:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;when the other party is more powerful&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;when the other party won't use principled negotiation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;when the other party uses dirty tricks &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first of these obstacles is the main one you're dealing with. When the other party is more powerful&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;the weaker party should concentrate on assessing their best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA). The authors note that &quot;the reason you negotiate is to produce something better than the results you can obtain without negotiating.&quot;[p. 104] The weaker party should reject agreements that would leave them worse off than their BATNA. Without a clear idea of their BATNA a party is simply negotiating blindly. The BATNA is also key to making the most of existing assets. Power in a negotiation comes from the ability to walk away from negotiations. Thus the party with the best BATNA is the more powerful party in the negotiation. Generally, the weaker party can take unilateral steps to improve their alternatives to negotiation. They must identify potential opportunities and take steps to further develop those opportunities. The weaker party will have a better understanding of the negotiation context if they also try to estimate the other side's BATNA. Fisher and Ury conclude that &quot;developing your BATNA thus not only enables you to determine what is a minimally acceptable agreement, it will probably raise that minimum.&quot;[p. 111]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the agreement to be objectively verified, I suggest a technique that was used during the nuclear arms reduction agreements of the 1980s, &quot;Trust but verify.&quot;  If all else fails, you can suggest to your parents that &lt;strong&gt;in return for removing controls on your devices, they can inspect your devices at any time&lt;/strong&gt;.  You will get minute-to-minute privacy in exchange for occasional inspections to verify compliance and you can negotiate the terms of those inspections.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastEditorUserId="7377" LastEditDate="2018-09-19T21:41:24.753" LastActivityDate="2018-09-19T21:41:24.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18604" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18605" CreationDate="2018-09-20T07:55:05.740" Score="3" ViewCount="532" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure whether this is a question for the workplace or IPS board, but I think it's more of a inter-personal than work related issue. Please correct me if I'm wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About three months ago I started working for a rather big software company right after finishing university. I'm the only female (26 years old) fulltime engineer (there are two other female students, who are there a few times a week, but in a different team) in my department (the others are all about 25-40 years old with a few exceptions). I have no problem working with men, as i have dealt with a male dominated environment in my studies, too, and many of my close friends from that time are male. During my studies I have encountered some... awkward situations, with male students not knowing how to handle a female team mate or even lead, but nothing even close to harassment or anything. So it's not like I never experienced any feeling of exclusion because of my gender, but it hasn't bothered me much at that time, because the projects were short-lived. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, in the working world, this is a bit different. My department is settled in R&amp;amp;D, so we are actually quite a few small teams with very different projects, that have not really much to do with each other. I'm in a very new, very small team, with only one colleague, who I get along with quite fine. So I don't really work with the other people in my department and we generally don't have much in common work wise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the thing is, that I can't really integrate into the rest of team somehow. I'm generally shy at first, but quite outgoing as soon as I'm in a conversation with someone (I might even talk a little bit too much at times, when I'm excited about a topic...). At first I thought, that it's probably going away with time, when I get to know them better. Now, three months into the working world, I still have the feeling, that they don't really know how to interact with me. I don't think this is mainly because of my gender, but I suspect it's at least a part of the problem. They are definitely not unfriendly or rude or anything, but some of them can't even look me in the eyes, when I greet them in the hallway, and oftentimes it's just really, really awkward (for both sides I assume). In the beginning some of them tried to talk to me out of courtesy, asking about my studies and my project, but this stopped after about a month, when these subjects were exhausted. The atmosphere is generally really chill, relaxed, and easy most of the time, and they talk to each other quite frequently and most have been working here for a few years by now, so it sometimes feels like I'm left out of the &quot;boys club&quot;, when they talk about their projects, their hobbies, ... When I try to just take part in the conversation (e.g. through asking questions) it oftentimes feels like hijacking, because I don't really have to say anything about the subject and feel that I sound just desperate and annoying. They also had no problem interacting with a new colleague who started after me, who was integrated right from the start (he was working in a bigger team, though). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have to say, I didn't really mind &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; much first, because I did not intend to make any best buddies here, and I thought it would just become better with time on it's own. But now my only team member is away for a long vacation. On most days the whole department is having lunch together. I really dread the lunch time by now, because they mostly won't talk to/ignore me (not in a mean/hostile manner, just like... not waiting for me to get my food and such. More like in an awkward manner.) and sometimes when the table is already full I have to sit alone. I often try to start a conversation on the way to the canteen, to keep it going during lunch, asking about projects, current events, and so on, but mostly it won't last until lunch, because we oftentimes spread out to get our food and meet again at a table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really want to integrate myself into the department more, to avoid such awkward situations in the future and have a more pleasant/healthy work environment for everyone. But I really don't know what to do anymore. I tried initiating conversations, I tried asking questions, making jokes, and generally try to be as likable as possible (this is my nature anyway). Oftentimes these strategies work for a single conversation, that is then really great. But afterwards it's just like before and they still have a hard time interacting with me later. Is there anything else I can do? I'd rather not talk to my lead about it, at least right now, because I fear it would be taken the wrong way, me complaining about them not liking me immediately and that it's their fault and such (which I don't believe at all). If possible, I want to do this on my own by adjusting my communication to be more inviting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21841" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T13:17:45.673" Title="How to improve relationship with uninterested coworkers?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18604" CreationDate="2018-09-20T09:35:11.823" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They are definitely not unfriendly or rude or anything, but some of them can't even look me in the eyes, when I greet them in the hallway, and oftentimes it's just really, really awkward (for both sides I assume). In the beginning some of them tried to talk to me out of courtesy, asking about my studies and my project, but this stopped after about a month, when these subjects were exhausted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As much as I'm not wanting to stereotype, don't underestimate the somewhat larger degree of social ineptitude that you find in what I'm going to generalize as &quot;intellectual&quot; fields.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In another vein, it may also be a consequence from them not wanting to come across as trying to garner the attention of the one female coworker, which can wrongly be inferred (by you or third parties) to be an attempt at flirting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on your description, it's more than reasonable that this may simply be inexperience with casually interacting with women.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt; if this is in fact an ingrained company culture, then this answer definitely does not apply, and I genuinely wouldn't know how to overcome it. This may be incredibly hard or even nigh impossible to overcome.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can actually use myself as an example here. I'm not the most social at the best of times, but I do notice that I feel &lt;em&gt;slightly&lt;/em&gt; more comfortable talking to men than women (if they're strangers). Not because of any sexist ideas; it's simply a matter of statistically being more likely to find common ground, and due to social anxiety I tend to avoid situations that are more likely to lead to awkwardness (which ensues from not finding common ground).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The simplest fix here is to show that you won't bite. This means you'll initially be the one always taking the first step, but when you've created enough rapport to show that you're just &quot;one of the guys&quot;, they'll be less guarded about interacting with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start conversations with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show interest in things the group does (e.g. ask if you could join them for lunch, or if there's a team building event, or ...)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Strictly avoid coming across as wanting to prove a point, it makes your interactions feel disingenuous and it's hard to recover from it after it has happened. Stay true to yourself at all times.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to match their usual conversations, both in topic and tone. However, don't force it. If the topic/tone does not come natural to you, find a middle ground between their preferred topic/tone and yours.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Comedy works wonders. If you make people laugh, they tend to not feel guarded about you anymore. This is why icebreakers are so valuable for social purposes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(Subtly) disprove the specific stereotype they may have wrongly attributed to you. If they assume you don't engage in shop talk; show them that you do. If they assume you don't like coarse/dark humor; prove them wrong. If they're afraid of saying something wrong; laugh off your own mistake so that they know you don't get caught up on it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Rally behind a common enemy (within professional reason). Whether it's management, the code quality, or the procedures, there will generally always be a commonly agreed upon enemy. If you offhandedly (indirectly) talk about your frustation with something that just &quot;happens to be&quot; their common enemy, that has a bonding effect.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking for their help may also lead them to feel less inept around you - as you've suggested to them that you find their input valuable (and therefore wouldn't dismiss them).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The core idea behind all these suggestions is that you &lt;strong&gt;genuinely&lt;/strong&gt; show that there's common ground between you and them. If they realize that you're intentionally finding common ground, or that you &lt;em&gt;knew&lt;/em&gt; that this would be common ground before you sad anything; then they might (wrongly) infer that you are &lt;em&gt;forcing&lt;/em&gt; your way into social interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T13:09:17.490" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T13:09:17.490" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18184" CreationDate="2018-09-20T09:46:11.660" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Building on excellent answers above, I think another important question for you to ask is &lt;strong&gt;what you want.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can’t change someone when they refuse to change. But you can, and only you can, decide what kind of relationship you want and what is acceptable or not. &lt;strong&gt;It is not being selfish. It’s being responsible.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have shown a great level of empathy for her and devotion to this relationship. However, I see &lt;strong&gt;a lack of compassion towards yourself,  respect for your own needs and abilities to set boundaries when they are violated.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems this relationship has been really draining you, isolating you and bringing more pain than happiness to you. So why have you stayed? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’d recommend that you shift the focus from her to you and that &lt;strong&gt;you seek therapy&lt;/strong&gt; as well. It sounds to me it’s not just her that needs to heal. And you are most likely not equipped to help her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastEditorUserId="15507" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T09:52:41.667" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T09:52:41.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18607" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-20T10:02:34.797" Score="53" ViewCount="19515" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend, which is also my coworker, likes to organise events for his friends. He invites a lot of people, but always expects everyone to join him regardless of if they have already planned something for that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I'm one of his co-workers, but we work in different locations, he uses Skype to ask me. This is our conversation that started yesterday. We're Germans so the texts are loosely translated. (Edited to hide personal information)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: hey, want to go to the movie? I'm gathering some friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: maybe, what movie and when? :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: To the new ***. Next Friday at 8. We might go for some food afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: ah, sorry man. Got something planned for then already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: can't you reschedule that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: nope, had it planned months before&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;About 2 hours later&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: where would you like to get food after the movie?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: nowhere, I won't be there&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: let me know if you change your mind&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;A bit later&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: What do you think of **** restaurant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: no idea, never been there&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: here's the menu (URL). Choose something in advance so we can order ahead Friday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: won't be necessary. I won't be there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Next day, in the morning&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: Don't forget to send in your order for Friday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point I started ignoring him&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: you'll be there right. I can count on you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: I already promised others. I can't come with you guys and that won't change&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: we're with 9 already. One more and we can get a discount.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Don't expect me to help with that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Him: think a bit about it. I'll message you again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I have made clear enough that I can't come and told him I was busy that night. Yet, he still doesn't seem to accept that as an answer. This happens every time he plans something, and I'm getting really tired of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make clear to this person that I can't come and that he has to accept that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21846" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T13:45:18.610" Title="How to say no to an extremely pushy friend" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18608" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18592" CreationDate="2018-09-20T10:07:33.817" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Trust is next to impossible to regain, regardless of your age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also unclear what it is you've done to violate that trust, were you caught hacking? Browsing porn? Downloading (perhaps specific) apps and games after you were told not to?  While it's not relevant to the Q&amp;amp;A &quot;what&quot; has been done, it does affect how much freedom you may be able to negotiate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if you were caught hacking your parent's bank info it's unlikely there is any conversation you can have with your parents to convince them to give you your space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if the offense was &quot;i got caught browsing porn&quot; then it's ideal to have a one-off adult conversation with your mother or father, whichever is easiest to talk to, about how you understand the danger of what you did (as your parents are responsible for your actions, their complacency can be misconstrued as negligence by the law -- and this has serious implications for your parents, you, AND your siblings -- for parents this can be very scary, and their kids don't really understand the half of it until they become parents, too.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What am I saying? &lt;strong&gt;It's not enough to acknowledge your mistake.&lt;/strong&gt; This is great textbook advice, but, what is &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; necessary is for you to acknowledge the ramifications of your actions (and in doing so, you also recognize that your actions were a mistake without needing to say as much.) This will prove to your parents that you've developed to a point that, perhaps, you can be trusted to make good decisions moving forward. This is why &quot;mom, dad, I am sorry I did that one thing. I know it wasn't right, and I know not to do it now, and I will never do anything like that again. I am a different person today&quot; is itself insufficient justification -- as a parent this comes off as begging, grovelling, possibly even penance ... but it is not a sign of maturity, it is the exact opposite (to an educated parent, anyway) and only serves to dissuade them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without recognition of cause/effect it is very hard for a parent to trust where trust has been violated once before, as the violation demonstrates that you are willing to make a bad decision (regardless of the circumstances, the violation applies cleanly over ALL concerns.) &lt;strong&gt;This is what you are dealing with now, and breaking trust is not something anyone forgets, ever.&lt;/strong&gt;  Time and trust are not really related as we might like to think. Think of trust as an absolute: it is today what it was 2 years ago, and what it will be 2 years from now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider that the prefrontal cortex is the portion of the human brain responsible for rationalizing right and wrong, it is the part of the brain responsible for rationalizing cause and effect. This portion of the brain begins development as early as 5-8 years old, and continues development as late as 22-25 years old (I believe academic studies put the range 7-21?) Parents reading this can confirm that up until this development begins children are very malleable and compliant, if you tell them something is right or wrong they take that knowledge at face value, and this sort of interaction directs a childs actions before they're able to understand on their own what to do or why. As such, your parents learn your personality long before you do as part of raising you, answering your questions and dictating your behavior. They get an idea of how you think as early as 2-3 years old, and they watch that mental development continue for the rest of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is also why we make the mistakes we do as children. It is why our parents are held legally responsible for our actions. It is what you are battling with, whether you realize it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So with that knowledge, to circle back around:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You need to have a mature conversation to make it clear you understand the ramification of your actions. This will hold more weight with your parents than anything else you can say or do.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This conversation should NOT be attached to your request for freedom/privacy/ownership. DO NOT MIX THESE CONVERSATIONS.&lt;/strong&gt; Heck, space them out two weeks or so for maximum effect. Not doing so detracts from the credibility of your acknowledgement instead causing it to be viewed as mere &quot;bargaining&quot; (ie. &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; &quot;acknowledgement.&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also consider that if this sort of introspection was not possible before reading these answers then it's entirely possible that you're not ready for this conversation (yet), and your attempt will instead be viewed as a negotiation/manipulation attempt and not recognition/comprehension of your actions. (or put another way, consider that a conversation about ones rational capability and maturity is a battle of wits, yours vs. theirs, and you may still fail even if you have prepared a bullet-proof argument.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All else aside, I was a child &quot;technology enthusiast and savant&quot; at the age of 6 (mmhmm, my poor parents, lulz) and while I won't enumerate all the &quot;mistakes&quot; I made I do remember when my parents confiscated technology, shut off the phone, canceled credit cards, restricted the hours I could be out, restricted who I could associate with, etc. As a result they kept me on the straight and narrow -- not by restriction, but &lt;em&gt;by forcing me to be extremely careful with my actions until I could realize the ramifications of those actions.&lt;/em&gt; I, of course, didn't see it this way until my mid 20s (yep. prefrontal know-it-all right here) and so ultimately nothing they did stopped me.. I used friend's computers, got my own laptop and kept it at my friend's house, learned to phreak public lines, at one point I even had a phone line installed without them knowing (later added to the top of the list of &quot;worst ideas ever&quot; the day the mail/bill for the line came in. oops!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The hardest part for me as a teen was that not having a phone meant I couldn't talk to my girlfriend(s). I eventually got them to turn the phone back on after talking to my mom about this, but, the trade-off was that she got to keep the phone off the hook unless I got pre-approved permission to make a call, and even then she would listen to make sure I wasn't using the line for &quot;other things.&quot; This was awkward for me for a while, but, I got used to it and after a while she stopped snooping my calls, gave me some space, and my parents ultimately learned to trust my ability to make sound decisions (although my dad still watches me skeptically when I touch one of his computers, and I am over 40 years old now.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust is next to impossible to regain, regardless of your age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;HTH, best of luck.  Parents only ever want the very best for their children and as messed up as it sounds; this is how they show it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17315" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T10:07:33.817" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18609" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-20T10:09:39.637" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;He is not respecting you, so you can be quite blunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend writing something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I feel quite disrespected being ignored. I told you my decision, multiple times, and it's final. I'd like to be there, but I've got other plans, please respect that. I'm going to ignore that topic now if you bring it up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or in German (freely translated):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, ich fühle mich von dir ignoriert (alternativ &quot;fühle mich verarscht&quot;, thanks @Iris). Ich hab dir genau gesagt, dass ich nicht kann, und dass sich das nicht ändert. Ich hab an dem Abend bereits etwas vor, bitte akzeptier das. Falls du das Thema jetzt wieder ansprichst werd ich dich einfach ignorieren(, sorry).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he now writes back, just ignore him. Don't ignore him else, but if he speaks about that topic, don't respond. You've made your stance clear, he can't just say &quot;I now assume you will be there...&quot; from now on. If he does, it's not your fault, and you might want to rethink if he really is a &quot;friend&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5726" LastEditorUserId="5726" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T13:57:03.257" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T13:57:03.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-20T10:14:16.750" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you consider him a friend that you would like to keep or get rid off? If second, then you can apply the following strategy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;when he asks for the first time, politely say thank you but say you won't go/ do the activity&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;all further questions should be ignored, zero reaction from your side - you have already thanked him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if nothing improves after three exchanges like above, stop reacting in any way to the first attempt&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will probably feel bad initially but you should put your well being first in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand you want to keep him as a friend and go out perhaps only sometimes, you have to be way, way more diplomatic. In all above cases, you were starting explaining yourself ending up in multiple answers, but one answer per conversation and only if there is an explicit question, is fine. If your friend makes a remark that is not a question, ignore it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T10:14:16.750" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18604" CreationDate="2018-09-20T10:34:03.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As stated in the comments, software companies tend to draw a certain demographic that isn't that great with some parts of human interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe 3 months might not be enough time for some people to open up to you, especially if you don't have that much interaction expect during lunch time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually big companies organize different clubs based on some interests and meetups to try to mitigate this exact alienation of employees from different teams, but I guess it is not available everywhere. My information is from people working for google and I am well aware employee care is at a different level there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest look for such meetups and try to meet people outside of work hours. If such do not exist you can look into organizing one. A thing that works well with IT people in my experience is board games. I myself have a passion for them as well so if I was in your position I would ask my superiors if we could organize something like that and I will bring a few games from my collection on the arranged date and have some fun with other coworkers. If they enjoy your company doing not related to work things they will open up to you a lot more easily. You can do a lot of other stuff too depending on what you enjoy. Just try to engage with them out of work and have fun. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you said you you don't have that much to talk about currently so finding some activity that you can do together and then talk about it afterwards is the key. Movie, concert, games, something of that sort. Drinks or barbecue or a hike could be awkward if there is no conversation going on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T10:34:03.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18612" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18615" CreationDate="2018-09-20T10:36:33.620" Score="8" ViewCount="1616" Body="&lt;p&gt;My lease is ending and I need to find a new place to live. After moving out of my parents' place I have always lived with roommates. I am not yet able to financially afford my own place by myself. For a variety of reasons it's very hard to find a decent place in the area I am in. I viewed a very nice place that has basically everything I want (affordable, good location, enough space, good kitchen etc) however the place is intended for Christians. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently it used to be strictly for Catholics and now it’s more about having &quot;Christian values&quot;. I'm not sure if this is a good fit as I don’t consider myself religious. The only specific rules I was told about this are no being excessive drinking at home and over night guests must sleep in a different room. Where I'm currently living we don't have such rules but I tend to follow them anyway, however I’d really like to be able to drink as much as I want or have someone sleep over on the occasion. That being said, everything else is nice so I may still take it and see it as a compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I communicate I need to be told specific rules that they consider Christian values?&lt;/strong&gt; Since I'm not Christian myself, the term &quot;Christian values&quot; is a bit vague to me. I told them that I don't consider myself Christian and would like more information to make a decision, but they replied, &quot;feel free to ask any specific questions&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, I consider myself to be &quot;without religion&quot; more so than a devout atheist. I don't have problem with people who are religious but don't want them trying to convert me. (some Christian values I do agree with, like care for your neighbor.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21847" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T11:25:25.863" LastActivityDate="2021-02-06T22:21:59.430" Title="How can I communicate I need to be told specific rules that they consider Christian values?" Tags="&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18613" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18612" CreationDate="2018-09-20T11:00:05.210" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that the best course of action is to talk to them and make it understood that while you yourself is not a christian, you respect their beliefs and rules they want to enforce in their house (moderate drinking, no guests staying over in the same room). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only you can decide if it is a good fit or not, but it is important to have an open dialogue with the other tenants to see if both them and you can live under the same roof.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit per your edit: Tell them that you are absolutely fine with only drinking in moderation and only letting guests sleep in a separate room, but also ask if they have any other rules that you should know of. This way there should not be any surprises when moving in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastEditorUserId="17106" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T11:06:42.647" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T11:06:42.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-20T11:01:06.227" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you say no to other people, just say so without giving any further explanation because this leaves the door open for more discussion like it did in your case. It may sound rude and might make you hesitate to say, but it is fine. Just say no and don't give them any explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this approach must be followed only when you're sure that the other person is not listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://oureverydaylife.com/say-no-pushy-people-4558956.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this Our Everyday Life article&lt;/a&gt;,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Refuse to give an explanation. When you say &quot;no,&quot; you may feel the need to add&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;because I'll be busy that morning&quot; or some other explanation. This give the other person an opportunity to say, &quot;Oh, but if you're not busy in the afternoon, you can do it then.&quot; You don't owe anyone a justification when you refuse a request, so don't open the door to further discussion and negotiation by giving one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they try to change your answer or get an explanation, just say (taken from the same article),&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I said 'no,' and that means I won't be able to do it at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have already given an explanation, then say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've already given my answer, so please respect it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be as pushy as they're being and keep saying no. This is their nature and they might be wanting you to be there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-09-22T18:42:35.973" LastActivityDate="2018-09-22T18:42:35.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18615" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18612" CreationDate="2018-09-20T12:04:01.350" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;To avoid any issues in the future about what you expect and what they expect I would suggest just having an open discussion with them about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rules they have set are quite vague. Is excessive drinking 2 glasses of wine or 2 bottles? Is the rule for no overnight guests intended to prevent random sexual contacts done in the house or would a sibling coming over be a problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start by acknowledging that you understand they are trying to keep to the christian values and even though you are not strictly religious your personal believes and behavior overlap a decent amount. Go over the things that trouble you phrasing it something like &quot;You expect this kind of behavior, but sometimes I enjoy doing this and that, would that be acceptable?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being open with them shows that you care about the values they want to uphold and that you are willing to follow the &quot;rules&quot;, you just want to know what is the extent to those rules to determine if it is a compromise you want to make. You definitely don't want to take the place on the other merits and be here in a few weeks again asking &quot;My religious roommates are being judgmental towards me, what can I do?&quot; or something like that. I believe they have seen a few too many american college movies and are worried about the tenant replicating that behavior, but I doubt that is on your agenda. Just be open with them and understand specifically what they are looking for so you can make the choice based on facts not speculations. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T12:04:01.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18616" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-20T12:20:45.480" Score="68" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been told I tend to be a bit passive aggressive when dealing with those kinds of situations, but I like to mask it with a bit of humor. In your position I would reply something like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;我不会来&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he asks you what is that you can reply &quot;I am not coming in Chinese, you don't seem to understand when I write it in German so I decided to try some other languages&quot;. Then you can proceed answering every other message about the meetup with the same phrase in a different language(yey, google translate) until he gives up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then as a joke you can message him in the language of your last message asking about something else as he apparently understood it the previous time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Takes some time and effort on your part but you can both get a laugh out of it at the end of the day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T12:20:45.480" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18604" CreationDate="2018-09-20T13:17:45.673" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience, it can be difficult breaking in to an established company with long term employees.  It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with gender.  It's more that people have worked together, formed their friendships and habits, and aren't necessarily looking to integrate new people into their groups. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I took a new job at an established company and that's exactly what I've found.  The company is mostly male employees, but that isn't really a factor, as the men and women seem to get along fine.  There's no social awkwardness there.  But as you have found, people are very polite with me, but not particularly friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What has happened for me is that as I work with people on projects, we develop a relationship and it becomes easier and friendlier to chat on a variety of topics.  It's unfortunate that you only have one colleague you work with day to day.  One of the problems I've seen is that a lot of people have no clue what I do, and really no basis for talking to me.  Once I work with someone, that problem is dispelled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply chatting, or attending company functions, may break the ice a little but doesn't really fix anything.  The only thing that's helped me is actually working with people, solving problems together.  I also share an office with a couple of people and occasionally have joined in on general conversations, and that's gotten me to a friendly basis with my office mates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottom line&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's going to take time.  I've been at my job 2 years (yeah, I'm a serious introvert) and I'm still breaking the ice with people.  But it is getting better.  3 months is a &lt;strong&gt;very short&lt;/strong&gt; period of time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As much as possible try to find ways or projects for actually working with other people.  That will give you a chance to talk, build respect, and give your coworkers knowledge about who you are and what you do. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When the opportunity arises, keep joining casual conversation.  Yeah it's awkward, but that's how you find common interests.  I love dogs and when a coworker I didn't know brought her puppy to work, it gave us a chance to bond over a shared interest.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T13:17:45.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18621" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18624" CreationDate="2018-09-20T15:38:01.423" Score="4" ViewCount="925" Body="&lt;p&gt;Background:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I'm a university student (USA) that currently shares an apartment with 5 other people, 2 people to each room. Typically, I have to get up early to go to work and then go to school after that. This means that I go to sleep much earlier than most people my age (around 10:30 P.M. most nights), so I can function at work in the morning. My roommates operate quite differently (going to bed after 1 A.M. most nights). Our walls are extremely thin, so if they are having a lively conversation, or if they are watching something, it bleeds right into my room. Additionally, my room roommate will burst into the room in the middle of the night, turning on the lights, waking me up from my half-sleep, as he tries to get to sleep himself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This morning was a breaking point for me. Apparently, three of my roommates stayed up the entire night, burst into my room at 5:30 in the morning (shortly before I would normally wake up), waking up my other roommate, so that they could tell him of their night's escapades and go eat breakfast.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I let my roommates know that their noise is affecting my sleep in a tactful way that won't make them see me as a stick-in-the-mud (I consider these people my friends)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: How can I tell my roommates they are being too loud without them hating me?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17668" LastEditorUserId="17668" LastEditDate="2018-09-20T15:43:03.723" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T16:18:41.480" Title="How can I tell my roommates they are being too loud at night?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18622" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18625" CreationDate="2018-09-20T15:43:35.757" Score="13" ViewCount="745" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a good friend who, in my opinion, uses his cell phone too much while we are hanging out. When we do things like go to dinner together as a group, he is often not paying attention, engrossed in his phone. During many conversations, sometimes concerning personal issues in which I value his opinion, he is continually looking at his phone (answering text messages, using Facebook, Instagram, etc).  When he does finally put it down to respond to whatever I've been saying, he often veers from the subject because he wasn't really paying attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Worse, he often drives and texts (or uses Instagram, or looks for music on Spotify). Things got tense the other day when he was driving and nearly ran a red light because he was not looking. I was already nervous from his lane drifting, and out of fear I yelled out something (not vulgar or offensive at all, but not particularly polite) to get him to put his phone down and pay attention. Now he is sort of upset with me for &quot;having attitude&quot; with him—but I am not going to apologize for simply having a fear-based reaction to a legitimately dangerous situation, regardless of how abruptly my request was made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another friend and I have brought up our concern with him, and his response is generally that &quot;it's not that bad&quot; and he claims he just has a better-than-normal ability to multitask (i.e. pay attention to what we are saying while simultaneously interacting with his phone). I know this is not the case because when I actually am paying attention, I notice his responses are not always exactly on topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the driving, I don't feel I can require that he not text and drive (despite it being illegal where I live) because he is an adult and can do what he wants. But given that there is already tension around this subject, I feel that always insisting that I drive when we go somewhere is going to come across as passive-aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is a relatively new phenomenon in our 10-year friendship. I don't want to lose him as a friend but he is starting to be a drag to hang around with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to him (while not &quot;having attitude&quot;) that his behavior is putting a strain our friendship, especially when I've already seen that he doesn't view it as being a problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He lives far enough away that car travel is necessary to hang out. And we like to go on road trips together. How do I manage my safety in the car with him when it is not always practical for me to drive everywhere?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21853" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:32:53.550" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T19:32:53.550" Title="Cellphone-obsessed friend (and driver)" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18623" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18612" CreationDate="2018-09-20T15:56:45.657" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your confusion is not unreasonable, as the scope of &quot;Christian values&quot; varies from person to person, and the exact rules can't be gleaned just from reading the Bible.  These likely prohibit things like excessive drinking and unmarried sex, but they may also expect you to pray with them (or at least not disrupt their prayer), observe certain holy days, and so on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it may be the house is trying to skirt any legal hot water by offering the nebulous restriction, since in many areas it's &lt;em&gt;unlawful&lt;/em&gt; (with some exceptions) to restrict housing based on religion.  It's also often unlawful to restrict based on sexual orientation, so &quot;Christian values&quot; might be code for &quot;no homosexuals&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point I would research the law and, if the relevant law does prohibit restrictions based on sexual orientation, I would ask them straight out whether they would consider renting to homosexuals, just to see how they might try to answer without breaking the law.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, even asking the question might get me rejected as a possible renter -- but then again my innate skepticism means I probably wouldn't fit into that environment in the first place.  But this probably explains why they want you to &quot;ask questions&quot;, to judge what sort of person you are based on what sort of questions you consider important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would consider it as a kind of game, to see how much I can discover about these unspoken boundaries by asking detailed questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I understand you prohibit excessive drinking, but what about two or three glasses of wine at night?  Does it have to be wine or is hard liquor OK?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I like yoga and Buddhist meditation.  Is it OK if I practice in the common spaces of the house, or should I stay in my room?  Or is it not allowed?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;How do you guys feel about heavy metal rock, as long as I keep it to a reasonable volume or wear headphones?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;Are there clothing restrictions expected in the house?  What if I walk to the bathroom in my underwear, is that against the rules?  What if I walk there naked?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so on. Again, if it was me, I'd get more and more outrageous, just to see what they'd do ... but then I wouldn't really want to live in that kind of environment.  The point is to test the limits, and get them to think what they actually want in a roommate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely, though, they just they want someone who will be a good roommate and also respect their religious views.  Certainly challenge them -- but be nice, and don't be surprised if they are more tolerant than you expect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T15:56:45.657" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18624" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18621" CreationDate="2018-09-20T16:18:41.480" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'd definitely frame this topic with a &lt;strong&gt;focus on you and the effects that the situation has had on you&lt;/strong&gt;, rather than talking to them out of anger.  Something like...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, guys, I have a problem.  I've been so sleepy lately that getting through the day has been a painful struggle.  Work is getting hard because of it, and so is school.  I was wondering if you guys could help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you're not being angry or accusatory, but you're laying out your needs and non-judgmentally expressing why you need the change that you need.  This should minimize any chance that they'll react adversely or consider you a stick-in-the-mud.  No one likes to feel crappy, and most people can empathize with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course the next step is to identify what's interrupting your sleep - and again, &lt;strong&gt;talk about the actions, not the people,&lt;/strong&gt; and do so in as non-judgmental a manner as you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It wakes me up a lot when the light comes on at night when (room-roommate) gets home late.  And when the TV is on in the other room, or people are talking, the sound goes right through the wall and wakes me up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For most people, this will again feel less like an attack and more like you're identifying problems.  Of course different people will interpret the same communication very differently, so I can't guarantee that no one would react badly to that.  But from here, you've drawn out the problem and can move on to &lt;strong&gt;requesting a change in behavior - or brainstorming solutions&lt;/strong&gt; to make it feel more collaborative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I'm trying to figure out how to get better sleep going forward.  What do you guys think?  Maybe (room-roommate) could come in with his phone light instead of the overhead light, or the TV could be turned down, or something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you make it clear that you're looking to solve a problem and not control the behavior of your roommates, then they're much more likely to engage positively and constructively - and someone might even come up with a solution to a problem that you might not have thought of.  And you can go ahead and suggest the obvious if they aren't engaging, or aren't effectively engaging, in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, no solution will be a magic wand.  The room-roommate coming in when he comes in might still keep you up, and there may simply not be a good solution to that.  The roommates in general - who of course I don't know - may not bear the empathy needed to respect your problems.  And even if they come up with a strategy to reduce their impact on you, sticking to that strategy might be hard!  But this might be a start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8693" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T16:18:41.480" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18622" CreationDate="2018-09-20T16:35:32.190" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're right and you're wrong about your assumptions. You certainly cannot force him to not text and drive, as he is an adult. However, &lt;strong&gt;he is endangering your safety and if that bothers you then you should speak up&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your other friends seem okay with that. And that's fine for them, but don't count on their support. In fact, when you speak to your texting friend, make sure your friends aren't there to back him up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First and foremost:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Refuse to be in a car with him unless he doesn't text and drive&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all have our risk tolerances, but we must respect our differences in that regard. Your friend has no right to make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be firm, but not rude. This is all you have to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Either I drive, or you stay off your phone while driving, or I don't wish to come with you guys. Sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend chooses his phone over your friendship, that's quite a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your safety is more important than any interpersonal skills.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; If this issue is a little less serious, and you don't mind dragging it out longer to possibly reach a more amicable solution, you can &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt; to convince your friend to stop his habit, at least around you, which leads me to...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Talk to your friend, privately&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already tried saying something while he does it. He knows you don't like it and he's made his decision. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your only choice to convince him is a private conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This conversation is going to be highly contextual, so I cannot give you many things to say. However, you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;make it about your safety/comfort, not about his ability&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may be the best driver in the world, perhaps with an incredible multi-tasking ability. Perhaps he has 2 brains and 4 working arms. Well, chances are he's like the rest of us, and is statistically unable to text and drive without risking at least a moderate amount of safety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless, &lt;strong&gt;you need to make him understand that the consequence of his action is that your experience is damaged. And you need him to tell you whether or not he cares about that.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't... see option 1.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: Leave out any details about his phone usage outside of driving. That issue is a separate (but probably related) issue. However, you need to tackle one at a time. Trying to mix the details will weaken your position and point, and decrease your chances of solving either conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T05:10:59.953" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T05:10:59.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18626" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-20T18:00:04.977" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't say anything. Just ignore him. The next time you talk to him, if he mentions something about you not going, you tell him that you already told him no. Don't forget that he can not force you to do something that you don't want to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this kind of people you need to be blunt. A no with some excuses won't do it. You need to be energic like when you tell your dog &quot;No, do not do that!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:&#xA; In my experience, these people are a bit selfcentered, they have a big ego and tend to see themselves as superior to you. They don't listen because, why would they? the know what's best for you, so your excuses are not good enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've met people like that and, if I am honest, I could say that I've been like that a couple of times. A touch of attention is a good medicine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be a bit harsh, but if he is truly your friend he'll get over it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21855" LastEditorUserId="21855" LastEditDate="2018-09-22T20:48:40.737" LastActivityDate="2018-09-22T20:48:40.737" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-20T18:02:41.203" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have always been the sore loser, but have improved my ability to handle losing without getting grouchy over the years. What works for me is to rationalize to myself that if I am losing, then the friends and family with whom I play are winning, and that must feel good for them, so I should be happy for them. By focusing outward on others rather than inward on my own selfishness, I can convince myself that losing is no big deal. I have to continually remind myself of this new attitude however, and I still sometimes grumble and make others uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if this is a philosophy that you could teach your SO. Your SO would have to put in the mental effort, but you might introduce the idea next time you lose a game. Simply explain that your disappointment at your own loss is more than compensated by your genuine enjoyment at seeing your loved one win. When your SO is losing, you might also gently request that your SO try to feel happy for you, but given the storm of emotion going on in your SO's head at that time, this request will probably be less well received.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21856" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T18:02:41.203" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18628" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-20T18:20:07.130" Score="18" ViewCount="5554" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was born with a naturally fierce-looking face.  Piercing blue eyes, heavy brow, downturned mouth.  All due to my genetics.  In addition, I tend to scowl when I'm worried or thinking deeply.  I can literally make babies cry just by looking at them.  People often think I'm angry when I'm simply feeling neutral or even happy.  My family and friends are used to my appearance but it can be quite a shock to strangers. I work at smiling but sometimes it makes me look like a complete maniac.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've learned to smile with both my mouth and my eyes which helps but I have to be careful or &quot;maniac&quot;. I also talk diffidently and avoid too much eye contact, especially with small children.  When I start working at a new place I tell my colleagues that I may look angry sometimes but that I literally scowl with concentration when I'm in flow and when I'm in flow I'm feeling great!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are other ways I can soften my appearance and way of talking so that I am perceived as being more welcoming, friendly and happy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-23T15:15:36.843" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T14:59:41.010" Title="How do I appear more friendly when I have a fierce-looking face?" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;&lt;first-impressions&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18629" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18647" CreationDate="2018-09-20T19:39:40.767" Score="2" ViewCount="446" Body="&lt;p&gt;My siblings and I have a rocky relationship and I want to find out what the causes for the issues are. The last times I've asked them about this I've got responses like &quot;Everything is fine&quot; or &quot;There are no issues&quot; and they seem to avoid any discussion about this topic. What can I do to find out what the causes of the issues are?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21861" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T12:49:49.143" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T12:49:49.653" Title="How do I find the causes of the issues between me and my siblings?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;germany&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18628" CreationDate="2018-09-20T21:22:04.503" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not a body language expert, but I believe there are some fairly simple things you can try to improve the situation. You say your smile can look maniacal, perhaps you are trying too hard? When I want to smile casually, I tend to imagine myself reacting to someone making a witty or humorous remark, so something between a grin and a smile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like you, I often find when I'm out walking in public that if I'm busy thinking about life in general, I'll suddenly realise I probably have a glum look. I make an effort to do three things when this happens:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stand more upright with my shoulders back: an open posture is more friendly and welcoming than being hunched.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lift my head so I'm looking up and outwards, not down at the floor: again this makes you appear more approachable and engaged with your surroundings.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Smile a bit. Smiling itself actually lifts my mood, and then I think about things that make me happy in that moment (good weather, upcoming events etc.) Even though I'm naturally quite shy, I've even taken to smiling at passers by, just casually. Getting a friendly smile back is another thing that can make you happy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like anything, smiling and appearing more &quot;happy&quot; is a skill you can practise, so if you're prepared to put in the effort, it becomes a habit and sooner or later people will notice the difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T21:22:04.503" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18581" CreationDate="2018-09-20T21:58:02.760" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there are two issues here, firstly, there seems to be a difference in expectations between you and and Steve. You see picking him up as a favor, he sees it as a fair trade of services(I assume this), since he is paying for it. How much he is paying determines which is really the case, but that does not mean both of you see it that way. He may genuinely think a small amount is enough to make you happy about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second issue is that you seem to have very different characters. You see it as very rude to be in a small space with someone you know and not engage in some small talk (I also think it is a bit rude), but he may not see it that way. Some people are not really in to small talk, and only want to talk about things they are very interested in. I doubt Steve means to be disrespectful to you because not getting a ride would be quite inconvenient for him. I also get the feeling a bit that you believe your way of doing things is superior to his, he may see you as arrogant too.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think there are two ways of trying to solve this. The easy way is making sure you get paid enough for it to be worth the trouble. His share of the cost plus wages for half an hour a day. You could say: &quot;Hey Steve, picking you up every day takes a lot more time than I thought, I think it would be fair if you pay XXX, is that ok with you?&quot;. You could check how much the bus costs, and use that as an argument if he complains. Then make sure he sits in the back, and just enjoy the time with your friend. If you are happy with the financial arrangement, and don't expect anything more from him, there should be nothing to feel bad about anymore.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The hard way would be to tell him you don't want to drive with him anymore. You would also miss out on a nice opportunity to practice getting along with people who are very different that you are, that is a very important skill in life for most people. You will probably have to work together with them later, and communicate with them in all sorts of situations. Avoiding a possible conflict should not be a reason to drive him though. If you really don't want to do something, you should always stick up for yourself and not do it. Then you just say something like: &quot;Hey Steve, I'm very sorry, but picking you up every day is much more difficult than I thought, I would prefer to drive with Bob only&quot;. This is assuming that Bob feels the same as you though, it seems you are in this together, so you need to solve it together too.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was not there, so I can never fully understand the situation, but I have the feeling that the best thing to do would be to think a bit about what you expect from him, and why his behavior annoys you so much. The only thing we can really control in any situation is our own behavior. Never waste your time thinking about what others should do differently, that is their problem, if it is not right, it will catch up with them sooner or later. Just let people be how they are, and think about what reaction will work best for you in the end.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T21:58:02.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18637" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2475" CreationDate="2018-09-20T22:57:58.697" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I was young, I used to hitchhike for thousands of miles.  Most people would pick me up because they were lonely and wanted someone to talk to. So my motto was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Everyone has at least one good story.  It's my job to find that story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've heard some amazing stories from people you wouldn't look twice at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other story of mine that's relevant is my grandfather liked to tell the same stories again and again from his youth.  When I was talking with my grandfather my motto was:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Everytime he tells the same story I'm going to make it a different story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way I did that was by actively listening to his story and each time I heard the story I would ask him different questions about different details in the story.  And then ask more questions about his different answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try that with your colleagues. The way you dig for a story is by asking an open question and then asking questions about what they tell you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some open questions you can use are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What do you do?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Where are you from?  If they are from here, then ask them how it's changed since they were a kid&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have any kids?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What do you like to do when you're not working?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What do you enjoy most about working here?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is your biggest challenge here?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you could have any superpower, which would you pick? Why?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How long has this pub been here?  Any beer here I should try?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can go on for hours.  In my experience, most people can talk about themselves forever as long as someone is actively listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if someone asks you a question, have a few stories ready to tell.  If they seem to getting bored, hand the conversational ball back to them with something like, &quot;But that's enough about me.  What do you think about...?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One more thing. Laugh at everybody's jokes.  If someone holds your section of the table with a story, smile, nod and make appropriate interjections.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll get on fine.  Younger people have to establish themselves, they tend to be goal driven. Older people have met their goals and tend to prioritize people over goals. So they like to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have fun!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastActivityDate="2018-09-20T22:57:58.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18641" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18628" CreationDate="2018-09-21T04:42:45.753" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A face is just a face. It's what you do with it that makes the difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've known a great many people, myself included, that weren't exactly blessed with nice friendly looking features. But, I can tell you from personal experience that what you look like doesn't have much to do with whether people perceive you as fierce, or intimidating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give an easy example, let's take it to extremes. I've known some 1% bikers. Real actual gang members. Who went well out of there way to augment their appearance to appear more intimidating. Tattoos, leather, poor choices in facial hair, the whole thing... But when you actually got to talking to a lot of these guys, they were teddy bears. Sure they could put on the scary biker thing, but when it came down to it, they were good guys. Loyal, friendly, and quick with a joke or a laugh. To be clear, these weren't weekend warriors, they weren't faking it, some of these guys knew where the bodies were buried because they put them there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But... They were still human... Perhaps horrifically flawed and potentially violent humans, but still just humans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being well and truly intimidating is usually deliberate. Most people aren't going to be intimidated by the way your face looks. It's more in your mannerisms, the way you carry yourself. You can look like a murderer, hell you can be an actual murderer, and not be perceived that way by changing your attitude. And in changing your attitude, you end up changing the way you carry yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're tense and guarded, you'll look tense and guarded. If you're volitile, you'll look volitile... If you're self conscious... You'll look self conscious. But if you're relaxed and open to getting to know people, that shows too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is, putting on an intimidating face doesn't tend to work, neither does putting on a happy face. You're fighting against a social evolution that's been happening since before humans were humans. Before we had language we had to be able to read each other's faces to determine if the other ape was friendly or going to eat us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to look more approachable, work on feeling more approachable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T04:42:45.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18642" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-21T05:12:02.367" Score="4" ViewCount="213" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am wondering how I can help an individual overcome counter-productive avoidance behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, let's say a woman (let's call her Jane) works in an office where her boss once became physically violent and had a history of screaming at his subordinates. Despite this having been dealt with through HR, Jane has spent the last few months avoiding contact and interaction with all the supervisors. Even written reports or performance reviews go unopened on her desk because she is too overwhelmed to read them. All regular work is done, she is talented, but she seems completely unable to engage with the 'authority' figures as she had previously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When asked to review a report in the presence of one of our supervisors, Jane did it, ended up crying at the end of the meeting, and then taking two days off work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not a therapist, and it is my understanding she has refused a referral to a therapist, but it is important in my professional role that I try to find a way of mending these working relationships. Further, Jane has maintained contact with me throughout the events at our company, I've previously been a mentor to her, and she seems receptive to my advice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are all highly educated, talented adults. The reports, and performance reviews, are not 'violent' personal attacks, though they can be unpleasant. Long-term avoidance of feedback and new instructions could ruin Jane's career. How can I encourage or make a 'safe' or mentally healthy space for her to start engaging with the reports? She needs to read them. She needs to act on some of their advice and start filing responses to them, not letting unopened envelopes pile up in her office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7822" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T08:16:39.860" Title="Coping or Treatment Strategies for Avoidance Behavior?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;employers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18643" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-21T06:17:08.053" Score="78" ViewCount="17821" Body="&lt;p&gt;Yesterday afternoon I (male, late 30) went to the supermarket in my neighborhood to buy something. Since the sky was menacing rain, I took along an umbrella. Lucky me, when I got out from the supermarket it was raining, so I opened the umbrella and headed home. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Few meters ahead I saw a woman (looking about my same age) walking in my same direction without any umbrella. As I got close to her, I covered her with my umbrella and offered her to walk together. She thanked me and stayed under the umbrella, while making some small chat (how long are you being living here, the road works, the rain, etc.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the entire walk I tried to keep some distance from her (at least one palm between our elbows), despite the umbrella not being that large, just to avoid any creepy factor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we reached the second block (I live on the third) she told me she had to cross the road, because she lived on the west side on the road, while we were walking on the east side, and didn't want to bother me with crossing twice. So she thanked me again and had a short run under the rain to reach the opposite side walk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I took it as a polite way of hinting me of not following her until her door, so I didn't insist on offering her some more shelter, and kept walking on my side of the road. However, later I reconsidered it as just being polite from her and not wanting to bother me and that I might have come out as rude for just walking away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I have offered her if I could further shelter her from the rain without sounding creepy or pushy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21873" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T15:47:19.633" LastActivityDate="2019-10-30T15:59:51.557" Title="Offering to share my umbrella without sounding creepy" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18644" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-21T06:25:35.327" Score="4" ViewCount="543" Body="&lt;p&gt;Asking for my wife:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife has been sponsoring a child in Africa for 15 years. They regularly exchanged letters through the sponsorship program. No direct contact occurred,  the letters were being transported and translated by the sponsorship program. The money we sent to the sponsorship program didn't go directly to the child, but to programs that helped the community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The sponsor child is no longer a child and has aged out of the program. My wife wanted to continue being in contact with this person so in their final letter they exchanged email addresses. In time they quickly started emailing (in broken English), multiple times per day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our former sponsor child often turned the topic to her family who are sick and their house which needs repairs, not directly asking for money but strongly inferred.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our former sponsor child is now a university-educated adult, unlike my wife. And although they are in a poorer country than us, should have the ability to make a decent income, if they were motivated. We don't want to take away the incentive of meaningful employment by continuing to subsidise them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can my wife maintain a friendly relationship without sending money?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7617" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T15:54:30.413" Title="How can I remain friends with my sponsor child without continually funding them?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;south-africa&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18645" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18643" CreationDate="2018-09-21T06:37:02.573" Score="105" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally you shouldn't offer further help. As soon as she wants to go her way you let her do so. You are a random stranger to her, there is every chance she doesn't want to lead you to her home because you might be just a nice guy, but you might be psycho stalker. Any insistence to walk her home might be seen as creepy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying all that the only possible answer to your question in my opinion is - give her the umbrella and go your own way.  Might go with a card so she can return it someday. This is the only way you are not going to make her question your intentions. You will end up soaked but with the warm and fuzzy feeling that you did something nice for someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-09-25T05:27:17.790" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T05:27:17.790" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18646" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18643" CreationDate="2018-09-21T06:47:22.427" Score="51" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think you could have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Different people have different sensibility to what makes them uncomfortable. I know that, for me (a woman), the mere fact that you propose your umbrella would have made me uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that she accepted your proposition doesn't necessarily mean she is comfortable. I know that I would be capable of accepting this proposition out of fear, even if I don't want to accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that she did some small talk tends to indicate that she was comfortable with this situation. But it is not a proof and you can't be certain of that. Even if she laughs, you can't be certain that she is comfortable. I tend to laugh &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; when I am uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this to say that you couldn't offer further shelter and be &lt;strong&gt;certain&lt;/strong&gt; that she doesn't think you are creepy and pushy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you still want to ask, you can minimize the risk of sounding creepy/pushy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, check if you feel that she is comfortable. Don't ask her but see if she is doing her share in the conversation (and not just responding to your question then maybe asking &quot;and you?&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, when she told you she has to cross the road. You can maybe say something like that &quot;I wouldn't have minded but, anyway, have a nice day&quot;. With this, you show her that crossing wasn't a problem for you but that you respect her decision (and that you don't expect her to change her mind). If she really wants to use the umbrella and was just being polite, she will ask you to accompany her further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, &lt;strong&gt;do not insist!&lt;/strong&gt; People who insist are creepy. You don't want to be creepy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T08:58:12.877" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T08:58:12.877" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18629" CreationDate="2018-09-21T08:07:00.153" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;To improve this situation I invited my brothers to come over to my   home where we could do a BBQ and talk a bit. I would like to address this topic in this occasion. Do you have an idea how I can talk to   them about my view about this and ask them what's the cause of their current behaviour?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask for him to join you for a beer in private if others will attend and let him know how you feel. Give some examples of times that you have felt that your relationship has felt forced or strange, and then ask him if he feels the same way, and if he does, tell him that you would like to change that. That's pretty much it; be &lt;strong&gt;honest&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;open&lt;/strong&gt; about how you feel. Either you two work out a plan to communicate better, or he directly or indirectly (by avoiding the subject) tells you how he feels and how he wants to proceed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T08:07:00.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18642" CreationDate="2018-09-21T08:16:39.860" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is unfortunately not much that you, or anyone else but Jane can do to help her overcome her fears and anxieties that have grown. Much like phobias such as driving or public speaking, it is something that must be met head-on in order to get better. What you can do is offer to accompany her to a therapy session as moral support, but ultimately Jane has to want (or realize that she &lt;strong&gt;needs&lt;/strong&gt; to) get better. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would consider sitting down with Jane in private and telling her that while it is tough and scary, it's for her best to deal with her problems now rather than later as it won't magically dissapear or work itself out, and that you would hate to lose such a talented colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T08:16:39.860" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-21T08:18:44.160" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Are you close with that person? Are you good friends or is he just someone you met once and don't want to associate with?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Maybe he IS pushy&lt;/strong&gt; and thinks you're just making up an excuse to not go, but he really enjoys your company, so he keeps trying. Then:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You like his company in general, but not this particular instance - you should make your excuse more believable. Add a couple details to why you can't go. Suggest going some other time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You want nothing to do with him. - Then keeping good relationship is pointless and nigh impossible. Just be as rude as you need to to decline.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Maybe&lt;/strong&gt; that is just how he is. &lt;strong&gt;He doesn't mean anything by it,&lt;/strong&gt; he's just being social. Maybe he doesn't think, that sending a couple texts a day to a friend (and you're friends, right?) is such a big issue, so he doesn't really expect anything besides what you reply with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask around, is he always that talkative? If so it's your call - Changing people is hard, so if you want to keep your relationship with him, I suggest you treat his subsequent invitations as jokes. Reply lightheartedly, since oftentimes all the other side wants is a reply. They're just checking if you're still on the other end of the line.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had all kinds of friends in my life, some are quite peculiar. For example one was really keen of making and receiving birthday presents. He would always find out everyone's birthday and give them some small present (but not just junk, good stuff), however if you miss his birthday he'd start hanging out around you more and more until at some point he'd remind you of his birthday and appropriate some of your belongings after asking for it as a present, mostly a pen or a cactus or something very insignificant. From my point of view it was pure madness, but it was ultimately not malicious and just his way of keeping in touch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There're all kinds of people and worldviews. Oftentimes these worldviews collide, not because they are hostile to each other, but because they are different. In that case you just need to try to get a glimpse of that other worldview and act from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21850" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T08:18:44.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18650" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18690" CreationDate="2018-09-21T08:22:49.037" Score="98" ViewCount="41727" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty sure that these are things that we all face. Let's say that you spent months researching about something (be it moving from full time job to being a freelancer, creating a website, starting a business etc). There are colleagues who don't speak to you, but want to learn how they can do what you did from you  &lt;strong&gt;with no other interest in you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's take the case of starting a non-commercial website. I asked my friends, acquaintances and none of them could help me out with any info. Next &lt;strong&gt;I spent months in researching&lt;/strong&gt; various ways I could build a site, various hosting sites, how to go about hosting my site, designing it, what software to use, what customizations to apply. This was apart from my 80 hour work weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After months of constant effort and sacrificing other goals I was able to publish my website. And now people just walk up to me, comment on how great the site is, and then want to know &lt;strong&gt;what specific software&lt;/strong&gt; I have used to create my site. Once I answer it, they quiz me around various other topics around how they can create it themselves. After their queries are answered they walk off, never to speak to me again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence, I do not feel like sharing this info &lt;strong&gt;with someone who's not interested in making a connection with me&lt;/strong&gt;. It's because I have sacrificed a lot of energy into getting it. &lt;strong&gt;If a good friend of mine asks me then I'm more than happy to share whatever I have learnt.&lt;/strong&gt; However, when colleagues or acquaintances ask me about what API, tools, software my website is based on then I don't want to declare it to them because they haven't built up enough friendship with me to deserve the fruits of my labor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do you not reveal info when colleagues or acquaintances ask you about something without being mean to them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Important Edit to add context:&lt;/strong&gt; These things are &lt;strong&gt;NOT work-related&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are personal goals that I have persued. But at the workplace there are always people who want to be spoonfed what you learnt with great pains (again, not office related) and at the same time they don't really care about being friends with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please keep this context in mind before blindly replying &amp;quot;at work share everything&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21144" LastEditorUserId="21144" LastEditDate="2021-04-20T09:19:55.443" LastActivityDate="2021-04-20T09:19:55.443" Title="How do you deal with colleagues, acquaintances asking you for knowledge that you gained with months of effort?" Tags="&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="17" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="28" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18651" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18662" CreationDate="2018-09-21T08:38:25.507" Score="5" ViewCount="574" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have run into a problem at work which I can not figure out the best way to deal with; the coworkers often like to gossip about eachother, and me being new makes me a great person to tell gossip (and most likely gossip about). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tactfully tell them that I would prefer not to hear or talk about gossip, without coming across as stern or cold? Acting disiniterested (&quot;mhm, okay.&quot;) has not worked so far. While saying &quot;I do not want to gossip about our coworkers, it is incredibly disrespectful.&quot; should get the point across, I would still like to at least keep friendly appearances up, if at all possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I work as a systems administrator at a lab diagnostics company and share office spaces with administrators, other IT personnel and economists. The culture I can't really articulate yet as I haven't been here for long.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastEditorUserId="17106" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T10:04:09.027" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T17:06:13.420" Title="How to tactfully shut down gossip-talkers?" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;sweden&gt;&lt;gossip&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18652" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-21T08:38:34.683" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you feel the need to avoid sharing your knowledge and experiences with your colleagues - which I think is a shame - then direct them to online resources (articles / tutorials) which would enable you to help them help themselves. If they want direct help then let them know you're busy and might be able to help them later in the day, or later that week. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe there's a lot of value to being someone who people come to for help. If it's having an impact on your workload then of course, speak to your manager about it for advice. He might give you the power to say no to people at busy times. I'd imagine he'd rather you help others than not though. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, knowledge in one particular area lead to me being called upon by lots of people throughout the organisation for assistance... and this was getting in the way of the work I was there to do. It took time and sharing / documenting my knowledge in that field to pass the baton on but this was a good thing for my project, good for me personally, and good for the wider organisation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it's hard at times feeling &quot;used&quot; by colleagues but oftentimes people go to work to work and get things done and see others around them as resources to getting that work done. It's not personal - they're not being heartless or mean - it's just the way some are. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the interpersonal connections will come in time, if you and the other people want that to happen. Be friendly when helping people and it'll naturally follow. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21656" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T08:38:34.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18653" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-21T08:38:58.393" Score="47" Body="&lt;p&gt;An approach that would work nicely in your situation is to just point them to where you got your research done. For example to the question of &quot;What software did you use to create it?&quot; you can say something like: &quot;Oh there are hundreds of options for that, I read about it on ...... .com. Different options are explained there better than I could explain them to you, you should check it out.&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you are not totally brushing them off and you are referring people to the sources that helped you which will also help the creators of those sources. If you feel someone is close enough to go into more details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this would work as it is giving people a starting point, which is what they need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a better answer too but your only interest in me is my expertise on this topic and I have spend a lot of time to get it so I am not telling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T08:44:59.030" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T08:44:59.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18654" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-21T08:38:58.503" Score="423" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're asking this question on Stack Exchange, a website built on the very idea of obtaining information from others without much interest about them personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can you imagine everybody on the internet had the attitude of &quot;Well, &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; spend loads of time figuring this out, so why would I provide this information freely?&quot;? There would be no tutorials, no documentation and no Stack Exchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean that you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; freely provide everything to know, but it stands to help to be a slight bit more helpful. You say you spent a lot of time looking for the right approach. Point them to the information you found that led you to what you made. You don't necessarily have to share the information itself, but sharing the source of the information can be really helpful without costing a lot of effort from your part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is however a huge difference between SE and social context: on SE, it is not expected that you provide an answer to every question you see - there are no consequences.  In a social context, there are strong negative impacts for &quot;tuning out&quot; and not responding to a question asked of you.  In that sense, you are held hostage until you provide an answer, which does not happen on SE.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such a circumstance, I think it becomes an appropriate and diplomatic &quot;way out&quot; to point them towards a tutorial or a knowledge base of the software/whatever that you used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="2262" LastEditDate="2018-10-01T06:31:08.767" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T06:31:08.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-21T08:44:40.543" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;This reminds me of some classmate that asks to see my homework without anything in return. It was like I worked really hard to do my homework, and they get to see the solution for &lt;em&gt;free&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest taking this last word literally and see this as unpaid work. After all, they are asking you information on a topic you would rather not talk about and are taking your time with nothing for you in return.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what I would suggest you do is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Allow them to ask a couple of questions. They might just be polite by showing interest.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you feel that they have asked enough questions, tell them that:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I'm not really interested in talking about this. Can we talk about X/something else instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's okay to not be interested in speaking about something and suggesting to talk about something show that you are open to speaking with them, just not about your website.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, if they are really interested in building a website, you can propose to them a &quot;private class&quot; where you will act as a teacher in return for some money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2018-09-30T23:15:02.567" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T23:15:02.567" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18468" CreationDate="2018-09-21T08:46:37.907" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Seeing how he seems to care about you, one way is to make him feel guilty. Make yourself look more disappointed by those, than you are. Maybe add some tears even. Passive all the way, that would make him want to protect you, from himself included.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You sound like you're emotionally stable and a strong person and thus serve as a support pillar for him, which is why he allows himself to relax completely around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21850" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T08:46:37.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18657" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18012" CreationDate="2018-09-21T09:15:07.080" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;My father loves his conspiracy theories as well (though he did graduate with an engineering degree at the top of his year), sometimes he enjoys telling me about one of them and argues (pointing out at me not getting quite as good of an education) if I find it necessary to straight out deny some of the arguments he makes. Though we do end up arguing loudly sometimes, we do agree on one point in the end: &lt;strong&gt;you can't prove anything with 100% certainty one way or the other.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;you certainly can't make such a statement with more confidence than anyone can make a statement that they did&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should probaby tell him that every time he tries to get a response from you and just avoid the discussion altogether without trying to put him down in turn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He has put me down in front of my wife and family in the past &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this is an unrelated issue and parents often do that, though most of the time without malicious intent. He said it himself, &lt;strong&gt;he's your dad. And it seems, that he loves you, though in his own way.&lt;/strong&gt; He did help you get a good education, something he himself does not have, but seems to find important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you did bring it up with him, I believe he will try to rein himself in, but will need reminders from time to time. You gotta understand, most of his time wth you, you've been a little runt and it's hard for him to change his attitude towards you now that you're a grown man. I have 2 little sisters, that are married now, but most of my life (around them that is) they've been riding on my shoulders and now it's hard for me to view them differently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21850" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T09:15:07.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18644" CreationDate="2018-09-21T09:20:27.307" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you and your wife did is a very nice thing, and to me it seems you did &lt;em&gt;two&lt;/em&gt; very separate things. Firstly, you made regular donations to an organised charitable program that you trusted would use the funds benevolently. As you stated, you did not directly send money to any one child. But secondly, your wife took the time to write to a child which of course is the point of such &quot;sponsorship&quot; programs, but not required in order to make a charitable donation. I think it would be helpful in this situation to view these as two separate things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your wife is no longer communicating with a child through an organised charitable programme. She is now directly communicating with an &lt;em&gt;adult&lt;/em&gt;. Their communications are no longer going through the charitable organisation's channels, so there is no filter. What the adult is now saying to your wife is likely to be more influenced by their own personal needs and those of their family. I don't want to be cynical here, but there is also a possibility that your wife is not even communicating with who she thinks she is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me the dilemma you are facing is similar to when you see a homeless person on the street asking for money. You could give them money directly, but what will they spend it on? Or you could support homelessness by donating to a charity that will definitely spend it on food and shelter for homeless people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to continue helping the same charitable cause financially, could you continue your donations, or find a charity that helps people of all ages in the same country? If that is the case, whenever your wife feels that they are directly or indirectly asking for money she could perhaps respond by saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am sorry to hear of the difficult situations you are experiencing. I hope that the donations we are making to [name of charity] are continuing to help you all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing this you are indicating (i) that you are still helping financially, and (ii) by naming the charity you donate to you are showing them where they can go to get help. Even if you cannot continue supporting it right now you could still name the charity and say that they are continuing to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While charities are not all perfect, and the administration of some of the larger ones can mean only a fraction of your donation actually goes to their cause, at least you can be assured (if the charity is respected and transparent) that their funds are being spent on what you expect them to be, and that they are distributed through organised programmes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are struggling with the decision of whether your money will go further when sent directly or through a charity, a helpful resource may be either &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.charitynavigator.org/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Charity Navigator&lt;/a&gt;, or &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.charityclarity.org.uk/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Charity Clarity&lt;/a&gt; in the UK, who both rate charities by their accountability and transparency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T09:26:16.577" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T09:26:16.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-21T09:49:54.850" Score="79" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/18650/how-do-you-deal-with-colleagues-acquaintances-asking-you-for-knowledge-that-you/18654#18654&quot;&gt;As has already been pointed out by @JAD in their excellent answer&lt;/a&gt;, the idea that we &lt;em&gt;shouldn't&lt;/em&gt; share what we know with others does not sit well on this website. Sharing information freely is exactly what Stack Exchange is all about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I understand some of the sentiments in your question. It is very frustrating when people leach off your hard work and use it to give them an advantage &lt;em&gt;over&lt;/em&gt; you, such as gaining a promotion at work that perhaps should have been yours. Situations like that happen because the &lt;em&gt;other&lt;/em&gt; person doesn't share the principles of sharing for mutual benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a huge difference between the kind of &quot;knowledge&quot; you get through lengthy research, and the kind you get by asking someone else for their own personal conclusion. The person that did the research has an understanding of &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; their answer was right, or the best option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can quickly give someone knowledge, but you can't quickly give them understanding. Knowledge is just facts. For example, imagine someone has never heard of or tasted a tomato before. You could tell them, quite factually, that it is a fruit, and you have just imparted some &lt;em&gt;knowledge&lt;/em&gt; to them. But unless they have a bit more &lt;em&gt;understanding&lt;/em&gt; of what it tastes like and how it is used, they may not realise it doesn't belong in a fruit salad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if by &quot;&lt;em&gt;months of research&lt;/em&gt;&quot; you just mean searching for the right resource to learn from (such as Stack Exchange), or comparing different sources or methods until you decided which was best, why wouldn't you pass that on? If someone had done that for you they could have saved you months of your time! If there is something to still learn from that resource then the recipient still has to do that reading and practice that skill like you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand you mean someone wants the &lt;em&gt;result&lt;/em&gt; of your work so they can bypass having to work it out for themselves - well, when someone &quot;fakes it&quot; and passes for knowing something when they really only leached off somebody else and skimmed the surface, ultimately they are going to come unstuck. If they were challenged, they wouldn't be able to explain why that is the right, or best answer. And if someone got promoted into a job role on the strength of such a fraud, it will soon become apparent they can't do the job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is helpful also to consider the two very different meanings of &quot;&lt;em&gt;free&lt;/em&gt;&quot; that are sometimes confused when talking about openness and freedom of information. One famous example used to make the distinction is that of the difference between &lt;em&gt;free beer&lt;/em&gt;, and &lt;em&gt;free speech&lt;/em&gt;. Sure, you can't do everything &lt;em&gt;for free&lt;/em&gt; - you have to make a living, and indeed you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; - this dilemma is occurring at your place of employment where you are paid for being there and benefiting the company in any way they expect you to. But do you want to live in a world where you can't &lt;em&gt;freely&lt;/em&gt; access information? I don't. And it is in that spirit that I have made over 200 contributions to this site.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, by all means share what you know with others, especially in the workplace because frankly your employer would probably expect it of you. If you think you are being &quot;used&quot; and even overlooked then why not make your manager aware of any &quot;training&quot; that you give to colleagues? Perhaps say something like &quot;&lt;em&gt;I'm just checking with you that it's okay to take [x amount of time] out to show [colleague name] how to.....&lt;/em&gt;&quot; That way your employer knows where other people are getting their knowledge and skills from. You are not holding back from helping others, but you will hopefully get equal recognition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-10-01T08:18:23.990" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T08:18:23.990" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18651" CreationDate="2018-09-21T10:22:24.780" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Gossip&quot; is of course a pejorative term for &quot;idle talk&quot;. It implies negativity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, &quot;gossip&quot; isn't necessarily saying negative things about people. For example, lets say the gossip was good news: &quot;&lt;em&gt;Alice is having a baby! Isn't that wonderful?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; Except Alice didn't want everybody to know she was pregnant just yet. She was looking forward to telling everybody in her own time, and now everybody knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are &quot;gossips&quot; their whole lives. Other people learn over time that it can be hurtful. The former tend to get labelled eventually and most people do give them a wide berth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, although you are not getting the instant results you want, I think you already have the right approach. Show no interest in gossip, and don't be a part of it. There is nothing you can do to shut it down, especially when it is about yourself. The more you protest, the more gossips will talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If somebody says something &lt;em&gt;negative&lt;/em&gt; to you about another person, you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; shut that down by disagreeing, in a polite way. Simply say something nice about them. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Gossip: &quot;I find John a bit annoying. Don't you?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: &quot;Actually I've always found him to be pleasant and very helpful.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That tells the gossip that you are an &lt;em&gt;ally&lt;/em&gt; of that person and they won't dare say anything negative to you in future in case it gets back to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone comes to you about something they have heard &lt;em&gt;about you&lt;/em&gt;, then you have an opportunity to either correct it if it is untrue, or confirm it. When dealing with something untrue, try not to get upset. Just dismiss it as untrue. You could ask who told them, but then you're getting into the realm of causing divisions. Telling someone that they've been lied to will put them off listening to gossip in the future. If something &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; true about you and is fascinating other people, a smile and a quiet confirmation shows you aren't embarrassed of it, and again this diffuses gossip. It isn't exciting if it doesn't cause you embarrassment. Of course, when dealing with &lt;em&gt;malicious&lt;/em&gt; or unacceptable extremes of gossip by all means take whatever action is available to you in the workplace to root it out and have it dealt with formally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, don't start to imagine the gossip that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be said about you. We can't ever know what people say about us behind our backs; not even what our friends say about us. Therein madness lies. True friendship involves knowing people's bad points and &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; being friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are new to the office, and so things will settle down over time. Decent people will be drawn to you and will grow to trust you over time &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you just keep out of the gossip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T10:22:24.780" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-21T10:38:31.870" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're trying to be somewhat nice, but firm, since you mentioned people asking the same questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Look, I've already explained it a dozen times to other people. Just go ask &lt;strong&gt;* or *&lt;/strong&gt;, I'm done with repeating the same things.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is basically pushing responsibility onto someone else. You don't straight up refuse; you give the asking person a way out, while also providing an excuse for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or for the first time questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Look, I've spent months reading about it, and I can't possibly answer it in a few words. Do you really want me to spend hours explaining everything to you?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People aren't dumb; they can take a hint and most will not get offended by refusal as long as it's not rude. Besides you're just scaring off the person with the prospect of putting in an effort AND shame them with the fact, that you already did, while not saying anything of the sort directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I can go quite deep into the reasoning here, but I don't think anyone needs it. Read ahead on your own risk!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want to give a negative impression, so you can't straight up deny, so you need a legitimate excuse. That would be &quot;tired&quot; in the first case and &quot;it's very complicated&quot; in the second.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't want the person to look for you again for the answer. In the first case you give them an alternative solution (sometimes easier if they're friendlier with other people you refer to) and in the second you imply that it would take more effort from them than they are prepared to spend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now then, if they do decide to make trouble, you need society to be on your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People are social animals, and society as a whole always considers you being in debt to it just for being a part of it. &quot;Good manners&quot;, &quot;social responsibility&quot;, etc. are a part of it. Many pointless social interactions are a way for people to pay that debt off. You're saying &quot;Good morning&quot; to your neighbor every day? You've paid your due, and you can skip on being nice for the rest of the day as long as the rest of society is aware. You don't interact with others much? Your debt doesn't go away, and now you have to actually behave lest you are considered an &quot;outcast&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, since you sound like you're not very social, in most arguments brought into the public you will start from a lower point, than another person, as long as they go out drinking with others regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now in the first case you state right away that you have paid society back already and even do it more by showing the other person where to look for a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the second you state your preparedness to pay to society, but you also state that the other person will obtain a rather big amount of debt to society for receiving the answer. If they insist on you explaining everything that means they now can't refuse anyone's quite sizeable requests lest they become an &quot;outcast&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And a small thing to think about: you have to judge by yourself, but people who feel &quot;senior&quot; to you sometimes would ask you about your achievements just to give you a chance to brag about it. If that is so, refusing is rude, but you don't really have to explain anything, just make small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Small talk is important. It is your shield.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21850" LastEditorUserId="4845" LastEditDate="2018-10-01T00:56:07.277" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T00:56:07.277" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18668" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-21T12:00:07.017" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I got an answer discussing with my wife and also after reflecting over it - which is the best answer IMO and I would like to post that here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding this situation, &lt;strong&gt;it is better to share the information&lt;/strong&gt; because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They can find out anyhow&lt;/strong&gt;. Share your knowledge. If someone really wants to find out what engine you've used, what tools you've used then they can still find it out by examining your site in details.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You might end up being a big help to someone.&lt;/strong&gt; If you share you might end up helping someone do what they cannot do. You never know when that person might come back and help you one day.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can ask them to take a quick look at your site.&lt;/strong&gt; If you don't feel like helping out someone because they're not friends of yours, then ask them to visit your site immediately and give you an opinion, feedback, or to post a comment in exchange. It's going to take them a minute max and then you feel good about helping them with their site.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21144" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-09-22T11:31:57.090" LastActivityDate="2018-09-22T11:31:57.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18628" CreationDate="2018-09-21T12:51:14.933" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You're not the only person with this kind of &quot;problem&quot;, and it isn't the only &quot;problem&quot; of its kind! I've always been told that I have a &quot;sarcastic sounding voice&quot;, and the truth is I'm as sincere as can be! In fact I often see things very black and white, so the idea of being sarcastic isn't in my nature - I say what I mean rather than imply things. It really is just the timbre of my voice - the more animated I am, the more &quot;musical&quot; my voice is. So, like you, people can misconstrue me &lt;em&gt;but only if they don't know me&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My experience of this is that while it can be a &quot;curse&quot; during first impressions, it in no way inhibits deeper relationships and friendships. I've even come to consider it a &quot;blessing&quot; - people can't take me at face value. If they want to understand me, they &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to get to know me properly. I also really like that &quot;click&quot; moment when I visibly see that people who maybe weren't sure about me at first finally appreciate me, perhaps after some specific act of kindness I've shown, or from my being helpful, or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying deliberately to change how your natural expression looks is only going to result in an even more &lt;em&gt;unnatural&lt;/em&gt; look on you. And a look you just can't interpret is probably worse than one you think you can.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're nice, as I'm sure you are, then over time people will realise you aren't angry. So put effort into your &lt;em&gt;personality&lt;/em&gt; and how you &lt;em&gt;act&lt;/em&gt; rather than worrying about how your face looks. This will win people over and you'll have genuine friends who aren't so superficial as to judge you from outward appearances only.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, there is even a &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=resting%20bitch%20face&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;colloquial term&lt;/a&gt; that may describe what you have. Not sure if I can write it here, but check out the link. It might not seem a very pleasant term, but it is usually applied in a humourous way to say that someone really &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; nice despite their expression. Personally I've always used the term &quot;default face&quot;, which I find quite funny. We all have an expression that our face returns to when we don't actually have an expression. And I'm willing to bet that when you &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; laugh at something for real, instead of deliberately trying to force a smile onto your face, you look perfectly happy and natural.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T12:51:14.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18671" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18651" CreationDate="2018-09-21T12:51:50.477" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to work in a group that loved to do this- they spent a lot of time tearing each other down, talking about one another, and generally just doing the things that you speak about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My reaction to this was to just say &quot;that's not my issue&quot; or not engage in it.  I never stopped it from happening, and that's primarily because you cannot change other people's behavior but can only change your response to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also found that speaking positively of others and giving them the benefit of the doubt did change how others spoke around me.  I didn't argue but would just try to always speak highly of others.  That also changed the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I did see one thing happen in a different job that really stuck with me.  During a meeting, one person tried to apologize for another.  The person running the meeting said simply, &quot;Let's not talk about [x] while he/she's not here to defend him/herself&quot;  I use that a lot nowadays and it's really effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T12:51:50.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18672" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18680" CreationDate="2018-09-21T13:06:58.700" Score="5" ViewCount="1250" Body="&lt;p&gt;A coworker in the cubicle next to mine only wants to talk about her daughter when someone comes to her cubicle to engage in small talk. The conversation may start out talking about things like our last company meeting, weather, politics, sports, economics, etc., but the conversation always ends with her talking about her daughter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I and other coworkers in our area have to listen about how her daughter did this or that, how her daughter is spending too much time on her phone, how her teacher was mean to her, how much her daughter is spending on clothes, where her daughter wants to go to college, how angry she got when a relative made her daughter sad, and on and on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My coworkers and I have discussed this and we would like to know if there a polite way to tell her that we don't always want to hear about her daughter every day?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21891" LastEditorDisplayName="user21891" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T14:50:07.550" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T16:32:21.667" Title="How do I tell my coworker to stop talking about her kid every day?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18673" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18518" CreationDate="2018-09-21T13:06:59.777" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm teaching my kids this at the moment. I've found it very useful to read The Well Played Game &lt;a href=&quot;https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/well-played-game&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/well-played-game&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a wide ranging treatment of why we play games, but the relevant bit here is that he talks about how sometimes, it matters whether you win or lose. It can add excitement to a game. I certainly identify with this. When I play tennis, I play to win. But other times, it can spoil a game. I identify with this too. When I play Street Fighter with my friends, I'm usually the best, and so focusing on winning would spoil all the fun. We just play to have fun, and nobody much notices or minds if I win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think helping your SO to understand the actual function of playing games with winners and losers (sometimes, it can add to the fun) and the problems with it (sometimes, it can take away the fun) can help you both navigate the space of how much you notice or care about whether you win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21893" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T13:06:59.777" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18674" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18628" CreationDate="2018-09-21T13:25:04.000" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I work at smiling but sometimes it makes me look like a complete maniac.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aim for the &quot;Buddha smile&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're trying for the &quot;oh I'm &lt;em&gt;so&lt;/em&gt; happy to see you&quot; smile or that your concious attempts at smiling (with your mouth &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; eyes) are too much. These are completely over the top for most social interactions with strangers. People will know your smile is fake even though you smile with your eyes because it seems inappropriate for the current situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you tone it down a bit, you get into the friendly zone without broadcasting &quot;fake smile&quot;. Lift the corners of your mouth a little bit without necessarily showing your teeth (although it's not a no-go). It should look like a smiling Buddha, not completely neutrally relaxed, but not outright shining either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do this&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/GIiPh.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/GIiPh.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;smiling buddha&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of that&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/sGw2L.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/sGw2L.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Picture of a man smiling like a horror movie actor (crazy smile)&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-01-03T14:59:41.010" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T14:59:41.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18675" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-21T13:41:54.670" Score="11" Body="&lt;h2&gt;About what you're doing...&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This feeling you have is usually the origin of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tribal_knowledge&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;tribal knowledge&lt;/a&gt;--where a person or group in a company hordes knowledge to themselves without letting any &amp;quot;outsiders&amp;quot; in on their hard earned know-how. Beware this feeling, as not much good comes from withholding knowledge. Neither for the person being withheld from or the withholder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I'd like to take a look at your question without delving into why it might or might not be a bad idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Looking at their expectations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the comments and answers here are any indication, when someone asks you a broad question about the work you've done--even if they're just an acquaintance--they expect this information to be given freely. As such, you'll be going hard against the grain if you don't want to give them this information. In social situations, this is usually only okay with a good explanation or a diversion. If you just say no without a solid explanation, in my experience the other party will probably either become upset and/or push harder for the information. &amp;quot;Why don't you want to tell me? I just want to know XYZ, is that too much to ask? Why are you being weird about it?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, if the reactions here are anything to go by, giving your actual reasoning may cause disbelief or outrage. As such, I'd divert the conversation while still giving them something to work with. With a smile and good-natured attitude, you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh boy...I've spent so long staring at that project, I already see it in my sleep--don't remind me! If you want to learn more though, I can send you some of the websites I used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you deal with the inquiry in person when it happens and you can send them whatever resources you feel necessary after the fact when you're back at your desk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T13:41:54.670" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18678" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18643" CreationDate="2018-09-21T14:25:07.763" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's quite a good thing you used a &quot;NL&quot; tag, because I live in France and that would definitely sounds like you were hitting on her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, when I offer my help to someone and they say something like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's alright, you can leave my package here! I live just to the opposite side of the road!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just ask :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you sure? That doesn't bother me at all to help you a little longer!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are indeed &lt;em&gt;sure&lt;/em&gt;, I will just just let it go, but &lt;strong&gt;it's important to let people know they are not asking for too much&lt;/strong&gt;, and that I truly want to help. They might just say &lt;em&gt;it's alright&lt;/em&gt; because they feel like they are bothering me, so they are just trying to be polite. I just want to let them know I did notice they were trying to be polite, but my offer still holds. After that, I consider my job done, if I may say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, context is really important. If it's a girl my age, I will never ever insist, but if we are talking about an old lady, I definitely would (&lt;em&gt;reasonably&lt;/em&gt;, of course).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Congrats to your mom though, who raised you so well that you are well-mannered to offer your umbrella, while feeling (slightly?) awkward about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6136" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T14:25:07.763" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18680" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18672" CreationDate="2018-09-21T15:11:01.093" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Someone who is &lt;strong&gt;in the conversation&lt;/strong&gt; with her can get her off her hobbyhorse by changing the subject or ending the conversation, though this may leave her feeling sad and less friendly with all the rest of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Got any plans this weekend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;. . . 5 minutes of back and forth about weekend stuff . . .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, that reminds me of the time my daughter went to [etc etc]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking of family, my brother is [something totally unrelated]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or after the first few sentences of daughter reporting:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds tough. Well, I'd better get back to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is easiest if there's no reason for the chat - in some workplaces you might need to wait at someone's desk while a process finishes or whatever. But you can always change the subject quite abruptly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an eavesdropper there's not &lt;strong&gt;much&lt;/strong&gt; you can do, but you could have a prior arrangement with your nearest neighbours where you will come and rescue them. When you hear the conversation being steered to her daughter, you walk over and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry to interrupt you two, but [DeskPersonName], can you take a look at this error message for me? [or some other likely reason to need DeskPerson to leave the conversation with DaughterReport.]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be a multi-way rescue pact if you like. Obviously if she becomes aware you are all doing this behind her back she will be deeply hurt. Weigh that against the resentment and gossiping that is already happening before deciding to implement this plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T15:11:01.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18681" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18672" CreationDate="2018-09-21T15:17:40.310" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Edit: My answer is only valid if she is talking to you directly or your co-worker (even though the &quot;I need to work&quot; thing could also work knowing you need some calm).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The office is a place where you spend a lot of time, with most of the time people you would probably never talk to at the bar or anywhere else. You've got to deal with each others flaws and well, it's a pain in the ass because you can't fight with people since you kinda need to team up to do a great job and keep a sane atmosphere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, you can do 2 things :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignore her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you cannot just pretend she isn't here (actually you &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt;), but do not answer her. Just make 'hmm' noises so she might understand you are absolutely not interested in her daughter's life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her you need to work&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is not rude and most of the time, true. I would just say things like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow sorry but I REALLY need to do these things, I'm so late in my agenda!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last but not least, you have to consider that &lt;strong&gt;some people do not understand the gentle way&lt;/strong&gt;. Sometimes you want to be subtle and definitely not rude, but some people are very self-centred and &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; understand how you couldn't be interested in her stories; it's her daughter, right? In this case, you cannot mix being the good and gentle person AND not having to deal with her boring stories.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6136" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T15:17:40.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18684" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18672" CreationDate="2018-09-21T16:32:21.667" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the topics she chooses around her daughter it seems that it is troubling her a lot. You could ask her &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have noticed that you mention your daughter's problems a lot. Do you feel overwhelmed by them? Do you get the support you need from your friends and family? You could even consult a professional if you think it's taking a toll on you - they could help both you and your daughter if she needs emotional support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows concern and the advice can actually help her. If she just wants to blabber about her daughter she will get embarrassed that she sounds so emotional and she repeats herself by always talking about her daughter, so she will hopefully stop or at least reduce it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4044" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T16:32:21.667" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18628" CreationDate="2018-09-21T17:36:42.753" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The description of yourself reminded me of me.  Although, I've never made a baby cry!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When someone presents me with a good question, thus causing me to frown, I vocalize the fact that I'm thinking: &quot;hmmm...&quot;, &quot;that's a good question&quot;.  If they appear to have been taken aback by my frown, I might even say &quot;I frown when I think&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as general interactions, I tend to put a bit of a &quot;stupid smile&quot; on my face.  As in, &quot;I might look angry, but I'm actually not thinking about anything&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another part of anger is attention, what is the object of your perceived anger.  Blinking your eyes is a way to show you aren't fixated on whatever you're looking at, and looking at something other than the person your talking to are ways to show that, if you are angry, it has nothing to do with the current situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, when you are actually angry, act like an adult.  This way, people won't be afraid of how you might react to being anger, and are less likely to care if you look mad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3041" LastActivityDate="2018-09-21T17:36:42.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18689" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-21T18:59:25.143" Score="4" ViewCount="953" Body="&lt;p&gt;In 2 weeks I will have a new sister in law as my brother is getting married.  I knew her before they dated and thought that she talked a lot about herself, but that otherwise was friendly and pleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mum can get exciteable and my brother was worried when the gf came around for her first dinner with us that my mum would be too intense.  My mum really surprised both of us, and was very calm and relaxed (as well as friendly and engaging).  Since then the gf has been at our house on numerous occasions and I can honestly say that we've been really nice to her.  She's still talked about herself a lot, never asked about us or how we were, but otherwise been pleasant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my brother and his gf eventually talked about getting married, he began to work hard and save money.  She had some money but spent it all on a huge holiday for herself.  So when she came home and they actually got engaged he already had a lot of savings and she had very little.  She then didn't get a job (she'd quit for the holiday), so the wedding is really being paid for by my brother and generous relatives and friends from both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents had a wedding anniversary when my brother and the gf were almost 6 months dating.  The gf did not acknowledge the anniversary by gift, text or card.  My mother was hurt by this, but didn't let it show out of the home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents have tried really hard to help my brother and his fiancee out.  When his car broke down and he had no money (because, wedding) they gave him their car. They could only afford a cheap banger of a car for themselves, which they now drive.  My mum also bought them a beautiful engagement gift with lots of personal and practical items. I gave them quite a large amount of money and a personal card.  I also feel that I've always jumped to help when they've asked for it, given her lifts in my car (she doesn't drive) and otherwise made myself available. We've worked hard to make her feel welcome and introduced her to our friends as they're going to be living near us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were invited to the wedding 3 weeks before the wedding.  In fairness, so were most of the other guests.  This was the only 'job' my brother's fiancee had to do, he'd handled the rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We know the same amount about the wedding as the other guests do.  We also haven't been invited to the bride's hen party - even though her mother is going.  I understand that the bride can invite whoever she likes, but my brother invited her brother to his stag night.  He also having her brother in the wedding party but she isn't having me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't need to be best friends with my sister-in-law to be, but I feel that she is very uninterested in us and is making no effort.  My brother has a great relationship with us and says that her mother is a nightmare, but he's worked hard to stay friendly.  He also says that his wife-to-be is quite unorganised, and seems to pin most of it on that.  My biggest concern is that she is really hurting my mum, who has tried to welcome her to the family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like the wedding is too soon to be starting any kind of drama, but my mum only has one son and I'd hate for her to be unhappy on his big day.  There are other members from my side of the family who have been incredible to my brother and I growing up, and also were very generous with wedding gifts.  They haven't been thanked yet, and I'm concerned they will not be acknowledged at the wedding either.  How can I address this with my sister-in-law and/or my brother?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21917" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-09-23T17:31:41.460" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T09:53:52.490" Title="Future sister-in-law upsetting family with inattention?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;weddings&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18690" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-21T19:29:57.773" Score="67" Body="&lt;p&gt;First I would like to clarify something, I don't fully agree with the Stack Exchange (SE) example in other answers. SE is a network which asks others to volunteer to answer; you don't tag a particular person and ask them to answer it for every question. And everyone is a stranger here with no social relations or social cost involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you experience is similar to what techies usually have, where others just ask them help with their tech stuff without even considering the value of the help they are receiving. They're in no way similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your hard work is yours and you &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; say no to people who are not worth it. That's why stuff on the internet has licenses and patents. Nothing is truly free unless you want it to be and you are not wrong for wanting it not to be. Of course, the flip side is others have the same right. It is a matter of choice and everybody has that right to choose IMHO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your specific question, if you really are okay to share some general details and are not really close, why not use a white lie?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them you had a tech friend who helped you out with the specifics and you only did the easier parts and you would have to ask him for the info. And you only know bits and pieces. You can choose to disclose what you want but avoid specific details with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will ask my friend but he might be busy and might not be able to answer. I can share an article that helped me understand the stuff.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;From the person who asks your knowledge, if you want recognition/acceptance then share it, if you want profit then trade it, if you don't care then just say no.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5279" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-09-30T08:56:13.347" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T08:56:13.347" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18691" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18821" CreationDate="2018-09-21T21:14:50.910" Score="9" ViewCount="1505" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this old college &quot;friend&quot; that has been calling me for years almost every day. We live over 1,000 miles apart now and haven't actually seen each other face to face for over 5 years now. But it finally has gotten to a point where it is actually affecting my daily life. Previously I have been able to ignore it for the most part as &quot;Oh, that's just him.&quot; But, recently I've gone through some traumatic life events of my own (not related to him) and I just don't have the mental capacity to handle his crap anymore. 2 common things he does when he calls is:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Talks in a &quot;stoner&quot; voice like Jim Breuer from Half Baked, which I find extremely annoying.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He talks about things that happened 15+ years ago over and over again, which I also find annoying.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I even recall after I moved away when talking to him on the phone, that I didn't find any of that stuff funny anymore. Yet he continued to do it and now here I am posting on StackExchange about it years later because I don't know how to end it. He calls me at work, he calls my cell and texts me everyday! Multiple times! I would like to be friends, but it almost has gotten to a point where I might have to cut him off in my life, to be able to &quot;move on&quot; with my own life and find peace. There was a time when I was married and he had a live-in girlfriend where the phone calls were cut down to maybe a couple times a week, most of which I would not answer. But after he found out that I was divorced he started to call again every day multiple times a day, most of which I ignore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is another odd thing, in the few times over the years when I had hung out with him with either his mom or brother, he would act COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, like a &quot;normal&quot; respectful person. But as soon as they were gone he would go back to acting crude and weird. I even recently called another old college friend from the group and asked if he received phone calls daily from our common friend and his reply was, &quot;No man... he hasn't called me in over a year.&quot;, that's when I realized it was only me that he is harassing. I did blow up on him 1 time recently as he sent me a valentine that I thought was not funny at all. He did stop calling me for about a week, but then soon enough the phone calls, text messages started flowing in again. Something is wrong, and I can't help him. I've got my own things I'm dealing with in life now where I just don't have the mental capacity to deal with his &quot;shenanigans&quot;. And I just don't find it funny anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I inform my friend that the phone calls need to stop or slow down, because I am considering cutting him off if they don't stop?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21918" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-09-23T14:51:02.637" LastActivityDate="2018-10-19T17:05:48.840" Title="Old friend that calls me multiple times a day, How can I talk to him about it?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18692" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18694" CreationDate="2018-09-21T21:35:20.247" Score="10" ViewCount="1447" Body="&lt;p&gt;In &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/18643/&quot;&gt;Offering to share my umbrella without sounding creepy&lt;/a&gt; op, assumed to be a man, shares an umbrella with a woman because it's raining a lot. For some reason good portion of the response to this question revolves around flirting. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given the situation, I don't understand why this is considered flirting at all. Furthermore, the top answer for this question mentions giving the woman the umbrella when she wants to part ways so she won't get wet. I'll be honest. This move is pure class from my point of view. It's just something you do if you're not going to walk another couple of miles in the rain. The issue is that in the last sentence of this paragraph the answerer mentions a date being a possible result of this action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What followed this was a bunch of push back from who I can only assume to be women about how this was bad. None of the people who had a problem with this actually engaged with the act of giving someone else an umbrella. All of the comments were about the inclusion of a possibility of a date being a massive problem. Even the mod who deleted said string of comments asked for it to be removed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is the suggestion of a date being a possible outcome of an interaction so offensive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few other answers to this question which also state that op seems to have been flirting and such kindness would have made the answerers uncomfortable. I just don't get it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to hash this out in the comments, but this doesn't seem appropriate to discuss there for whatever reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;tl:dr;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why is the suggestion of a date being a possible outcome of an interaction so offensive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user13972" LastEditorDisplayName="user13972" LastEditDate="2018-09-21T22:12:00.210" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T14:25:57.857" Title="Why is this random act of kindness considered offensive flirting?" Tags="&lt;flirting&gt;&lt;act-of-kindness&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-09-22T04:19:34.013" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18694" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18692" CreationDate="2018-09-21T22:14:08.240" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Offering help with ulterior romantic motive is usually fine, provided the intent is clear &lt;em&gt;and the recipient has the option of turning down said help.&lt;/em&gt; If both conditions are met, I could see the offer to help as a flirtatious gesture, or the start of one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, the issue here is that the recipient in question is in a tough spot where it would be harmful to her to turn down OP's help. She was out uncovered in the &quot;menacing rain&quot; after all. So if OP is only helping because of an ulterior motive, it gives the situation a slimy feel by making it seem like OP is taking advantage of someone else's misfortune to get them to let him close when ordinarily they wouldn't have. Would he have helped if the girl were less pretty? If it was a guy instead? Not to mention that now that he's helped will he feel like she owes him something? What if he acts on this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this is the basis for the question OP asked. How can he take what might be a flirtatious situation and make it clear that he is just trying for a random act of kindness. This is why, when the top answer mentions &quot;get[ting] a date afterwards,&quot; it comes off as a little tone deaf. The whole point after all was to make it seem like that &lt;em&gt;wasn't&lt;/em&gt; what OP was expecting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, to quote a comment on this answer, &quot;To tell anyone you 'could' get something out of a kind act is, IMO, taking the 'kindness' out of the act.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-09-25T14:25:57.857" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T14:25:57.857" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-22T04:09:19.350" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;These two sentences are the key to your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“And now people just walk up to me, comment on how great the site is, and then want to know &lt;strong&gt;what specific software&lt;/strong&gt; I have used to create my site. Once I answer it, they quiz me around various other topics around how they can create it themselves. After their queries are answered they walk off, never to speak to me again.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay, so your question is—in all honesty—a bit rambling and all over the map. But this is fair. I think you might be a but your bolded final “question” statement gets clearer: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;“How do you not reveal info when colleagues or acquaintances ask you about something without being mean to them?”&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s not your job to make people feel happy. And it is also not your job to be mean to them. Here is the deal:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;You need to be 100% honest to them in a way that respects you and respects them.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to me you might be equating directness and honesty as being a “rude” response to a situation like this when the reality is directness and honesty is not rude at all. In fact, being clearly direct and honest is the best way to end a discussion like this before it escalates to something (potentially) worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So knowing that, all you really need to say is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Well, it’s not as simple as providing a shopping list of software. This was a lot of hard work on my part and while I appreciate that you liked the site, I’m uncomfortable going into any real detail on how the site was created.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might have someone come back to you that says: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Oh! So this is super secret!”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you can then just respond:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“This is not a big secret but coding and programming a website is not something you can just casually explain.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now past this someone might actually push you further and basically want you to make a website for them. In fact, a lot of what you describe feels awfully like someone passively trying to say, “Make me a website like yours!” And if that is the case clearly say, “Sorry, I appreciate you like the site but I have a full time job and this was a lot of work.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then honestly you need to perhaps repeat variations of the above or change the topic entirely. That is up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But as I say, your question seems complex but it is simple: You don’t want to take about the website to people like this so you have be 100% honest and clear. And if all is said and done and they are still pushy or upset? Well, that is not your problem. Just say, “Sorry!” and walk away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T20:15:00.217" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T20:15:00.217" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18697" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18691" CreationDate="2018-09-22T05:57:29.917" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friend clearly has a problem. I understood that you have not the time, nor the energy to discover why he acts like this. I am going to make a hypothesis and base my answer on it but my answer should also work if my hypothesis is wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My hypothesis is that your college friend is on the autistic spectrum. That would explain his social &quot;weirdness&quot; but also mean that you will need to be &lt;strong&gt;very explicit&lt;/strong&gt; when you are going to talk to him about his behavior. An autistic person doesn't do great with vague instructions (for example, they don't understand what you really mean when you say &quot;too much&quot; but they do understand when you say &quot;more than X&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You obviously need to have a conversation with that friend, blocking him will only make him confused, he won't understand your behavior, will be hurt and will pass the rest of his life wondering &quot;What did I do wrong?&quot; (I might also found an other way to contact since you didn't make it clear that you don't want to talk to him anymore).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can choose to talk to him via text or phone (wanting that he calls you or you deciding to call him). But if he is truly on the autistic spectrum, I would strongly advocate against using the phone (so, &lt;strong&gt;please use text message&lt;/strong&gt;). An autistic person tends to not be that great on &quot;live speaking&quot;, especially if they don't know what subject will be discussed. Using text allows having time to think, process and answer without being in the rush of &quot;live conversation&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, here is what I would say in the message/conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Start with a warning&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, he will have time to mentally prepare and will know that what will follow is important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi X, I wanted to talk to you about something for a long time. I feel that it's important that I tell you this, please do not interrupt me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's important to put in this warning is the word &quot;important&quot; to &lt;strong&gt;explicitly&lt;/strong&gt; tell that you are having an important discussion. And the &quot;do not interrupt me&quot; because you don't want to be interrupted, because interruption will likely derail the discussion and because you really need to tell him what you will tell him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Tell him what the problem is&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be very clear (explicit) and &lt;strong&gt;to the point&lt;/strong&gt;. You don't want your message to be lost because you talked too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can start by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I appreciate your discussion &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, clearly state what the problem is: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You phone and text me too often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to tell more, stay to the point, this way you avoid &quot;drowning&quot; your message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't talk about the fact that he only has one subject of conversation. You need to fix the major problem first. If you unload on him all the problem at the same time, chances are, he won't remember everything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Tell him what you would like him to do fix the problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you have told him that he texts &quot;too often&quot;, you need to make it clear what &quot;not too often&quot; is. Choose a number of texts/calls that you will be happy with and tell him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would prefer if you only call me once a month and texted me once a week. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Tell him what will happen if he doesn't respect your demand&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to plan what to do if he doesn't respect your demands and he needs to know the consequences of his actions. This way, he won't be confused want you block him because he will have been warned. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you don't respect my demand, I will have to do X.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;X could be &quot;block you for a week/month/forever&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Stay available for his questions&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might think that you have been pretty clear but, maybe not to his point of view. So, I suggest telling him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you have any questions about this new boundary, I'm willing to answer them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Thanks ELizB for suggesting this new phrasing). Saying &quot;If you have any question&quot; is a bit to open and can lead to questions about &lt;em&gt;anything&lt;/em&gt;. Adding &quot;about this new boundary&quot; help staying on-topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;If the discussion didn't change his behavior &lt;em&gt;(or only for a time)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Reminder him of the rule &lt;em&gt;by writing&lt;/em&gt; (so that he has no excuse to forget them).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell him that he didn't respect the rules and that force you to act accordingly (cf: what will happen if he doesn't respect your wish).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Start enforcing your rule (by blocking him if it is what you had decided).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-09-23T05:07:32.327" LastActivityDate="2018-09-23T05:07:32.327" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18698" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18701" CreationDate="2018-09-22T07:22:34.107" Score="2" ViewCount="172" Body="&lt;p&gt;I needed to discuss some matter with one person. The outcome of that is important for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the beginning of the week, I got an email where that person proposed several dates when we could have a meeting. I replied that all proposed dates suit me and I don't have a preference. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the week is nearly finished, the meeting should be next week, and I still haven't gotten a reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm thinking I should send an email to ask for confirmation or choose one of the proposed times and ask to confirm it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely ask for a response, especially considering that person never replied to me when we were discussing a different case?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1790" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-22T20:40:20.317" LastActivityDate="2018-09-22T20:40:20.317" Title="How to politely ask for a response?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;email&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18701" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18698" CreationDate="2018-09-22T09:15:44.793" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;shall I chose one of the proposed time and ask to confirm it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Your description appears to me as if the other person told you some times they are fine with. So it's your next step to pick one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They wouldn't have told you times that don't match for them so you shouldn't waste more time discussing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-09-22T09:15:44.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18703" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18698" CreationDate="2018-09-22T11:23:31.770" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Our lives are busy and we are often snowed by email and IM. What helps is avoiding back and forth and respecting time of our counterparts. Being empathetic will help you be a polite and efficient communicator.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about your goal in this example. It is not a response that you want, you want to set up an appointment. As they have already indicated available slots, simplify the life of your counterpart by sending a simple response &quot;Perfect -- I'll put some time into our diaries! Thank you...&quot; followed by a calendar invitation. All they will have to do is accept or reject or propose new time - just in one click!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21953" LastActivityDate="2018-09-22T11:23:31.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-22T11:54:12.320" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; questions.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you don't want to share this knowledge if they're not interested in making a connection with you, but yet they are there talking to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking is how you build a connection with someone. If they're &lt;em&gt;primarily&lt;/em&gt; interested in the website, you could still use this as an opportunity to build a connection with them (although arguably they'd be looking for this information online if that's all their after). If they are also interested in building a connection with you, they might've seen the website as a good opportunity to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, as I read it (correct me if I'm wrong), you simply answer their questions and don't express any interest in what's actually going on in their life. You don't try to talk to them after this, even though they made the first move. So, from their perspective, &lt;em&gt;you're&lt;/em&gt; the one who's not interested in making a connection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, and more to the point, this will be a polite way to take the focus away from the website and thus avoid sharing too much knowledge you don't want to share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also worth keeping in mind that many people have plans to create websites that never end up happening, many more are just generally curious about such things, a decent bunch would just go with the first available option in terms of tools or hosting, and the very few who would actually do months of research probably wouldn't go with the first recommendation they get from someone else, so it's unlikely (if not impossible) that you sharing this information will help them avoid the months of research you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example of asking them questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Hey, I hear you've built a website. Which tools did you use for that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I used X, Y and Z. Why? Are you building a website of your own?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Yeah, although I haven't really gotten around to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I totally get it, it can be hard to find the time. [What do you typically do with your free time? / What will the website be about?]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3296" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-22T12:05:54.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18706" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-22T16:47:03.800" Score="3" ViewCount="3283" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in my early 30s, unmarried male. I teach engineering at a local university. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Each of my classes have around 30 students. I try to treat everyone fairly. There are of course students who do not want to interact and also who want to over interact, as well as the level headed ones.  There's a fair number of female students in my class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now there are some female students who become emotionally invested in me, either silently or conspicuously. The silent ones have a hard time in maintaining eye contact with me, which I can live with; even though in my local culture, it is an etiquette to maintain eye contact in a student teacher setting. I am okay with it. This does not bother me much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What bothers me are attention seeking female students. I can deal with the male ones. But with the female ones, I sometimes feel helpless. There are couple of things that come into play whenever a female student who might be emotionally interested in me tries to seek attention. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It is unprofessional to be uninterested in the most mundane question of a student. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Since that student is female, it is impolite to leave her hanging. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have never been in any sort of relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have prioritised career over other seemingly important things in life; however when somebody challenges in a flirting duel I do not back down. I might have in any other scenarios, but it is my class, I do whatever it takes to have the upper hand... in order to maintain control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now all of these can be treated as fun and games for me. It might not be for a twenty years old student. I worry how their grades might be affected when they realize that I was only trying to be do my job without any ulterior motives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, my question is, is there a way to distance myself emotionally to twenty years old attention-seeking female students without being rude and at the same time trying to maintain control of my class?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21962" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-09-23T14:47:37.900" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:27:39.283" Title="How to handle students in a classroom who might have feelings for you?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18707" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-22T18:27:52.523" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;So propose what will give you exactly what you want: no information without an interest in you personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, your site is so great! What software did you use to create it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey Joe, thanks, I appreciate the great feedback. Are you looking to create your own site? That's fantastic—it's been a lot of work but has been really rewarding. You know, just knowing what software I used isn't going to help you much. There's so much more to it than that. If you're really looking for guidance on this, I'd be happy to sit down with you and help advise you. Tell you what—let's grab coffee and go over what you have in mind for your own project.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the coffee, avoid talking about technical details of your site. Ask about what the other person has in mind. If the coffee goes well, then say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Joe, I think I can help you. Tell you what. As a recognition that it took me months to figure all this out, and I'm sharing my hard-won knowledge with you who could end up competing with me, why don't you come on over to my house on Friday night at 6 PM and bring 14 tacos from MyFavoriteTacoPlace. I'll provide the drinks, and we can look at getting you started.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, it would have to be your own style—but this should be enough to get what you're looking for. Those who have zero interest in coffee or a meal will bow out quickly enough. When anyone says &quot;but can't you just tell me the name of the software?&quot; You can answer &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;there are tons of ways to build sites. How does knowing what I used help you on its own? It all depends on your budget, functionality required, time commitment you're willing to make, and so on. Sites don't just happen, they are planned.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of this is a lie and none of it is trying to put the person off indefinitely. It's just a bid for them to get serious about interacting with &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; (on a topic you probably enjoy) rather than simply extracting gold nuggets and running off with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T18:15:28.807" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T18:15:28.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8070" CreationDate="2018-09-22T18:28:41.360" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Judaism, this question is discussed in the context of the prohibition of gossip. Tractate Ketubot 5: advices: &lt;b&gt;Stick your fingers in your ears&lt;/b&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This reaction is theatric, makes it clear that you don't want to hear what is being said, and is non-confrontational in that you are not attacking the person who is speaking. If you are asked why you are doing this, you can simply say, &quot;In order not to hear things I don't want to hear.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2790" LastActivityDate="2018-09-22T18:28:41.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18709" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18643" CreationDate="2018-09-22T18:42:45.897" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that changing how you offer the umbrella in the first place would help set people at ease about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While not getting wet is appreciated, having someone simply walk over and hold an umbrella over one's head—and necessarily encroaching on personal space—could be a very awkward thing. It puts the person in the position of having to refuse it if it is unwanted, and the people who are most likely to want to refuse are also the most likely to have difficulty doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So consider in the future, walking up to be near the person where you can be seen, but not too near, and simply offering your services in a non-threatening way. How do you do that? Start with &quot;it seems like you're getting pretty wet, there&quot; or perhaps &quot;enjoying the weather?&quot; (asking a question that the person will say &quot;no&quot; to helps engender a sense of power that will be favorable to you). Keep unexcited, low pitched voice, falling at the end or barely rising if it is a question. Whatever the response, you can get from it an idea on how to proceed. If you're met with a positive response, simply extend your umbrella to your side (not toward the person) as if to make space, and gesture with your hand that the person is welcome to step into that space, perhaps with &quot;I'm headed &lt;em&gt;that way&lt;/em&gt;, but I don't mind a detour if you don't object?&quot; The nonverbal part is important, though, and can come first. Nonverbal signals are much easier to get past the ego.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By the person stepping under the umbrella instead of you placing it overhead, he or she will have a deeper sense of control over the situation. Combined with asking questions where &quot;no&quot; is the response that indicates cooperation with you, this is much more likely to make the person feel comfortable accepting further assistance. You didn't force an unwanted situation on someone. Instead, you offered freely-chosen escape from the rain, which if taken, was bodily expressed as wanted (such having a significant psychological effect on the person, as self-chosen physical actions have great power to change cognitive frames).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Add some humor. If the person has smiled or laughed, even &quot;you look like a drowned rat.&quot; Act like you don't mind being slightly disagreeable—this can counteract any &quot;creep&quot; vibe from coming across as too desperately agreeable. Act like you don't care one way or the other if the offer is accepted, but also suggest you don't mind going a bit out of your way. Make this offer to help keep the person dry &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; the person has to indicate that your continued presence is unwanted. Make clear your own path so all the person has to do is &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt; to separate. Make each step something the person can willfully choose without having to say something awkward or forceful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2568" LastEditorUserId="2568" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T13:32:52.517" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T13:32:52.517" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8070" CreationDate="2018-09-22T19:35:10.190" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I want to stop somebody from gossiping to me, I look at them sadly and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wonder what you say about me when I'm not around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This usually works.  Whenever I use this line, I get protestations from gossiper that I'm a really neat person and that they wouldn't dream of gossiping about me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The line works on several levels. It's not rude but indicates your aversion to gossip.  It also gently lets the gossiper know that they may have lost points with you because you suspect them of talking about you behind your back.  Finally, the gossiper may catch a little bit of empathy and realize that other folks may be gossiping about &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7377" LastEditorUserId="7377" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T21:25:11.403" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T21:25:11.403" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-22T22:43:04.937" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, there is no substitute for directness. I once got a phone call from an acquaintance - I really couldn't call him a friend, then or now - from the book club where we were both members. He asked me if I was going to a meeting of the Royal Astronomical Society that evening and, if so, could he have a ride with me. The meeting was a two hour drive away - longer by train or bus - on a bitterly cold winter day and I was not a member of the Society nor had I ever attended a meeting of the Society in the past. In short, he had absolutely no reason to believe that I was attending this meeting. When I said that I had other plans, he implied that I was leaving him in the lurch and asked how he was supposed to get to the meeting. In as neutral a tone as I could manage, I suggested taking a train or bus. I did NOT tell him off or take him to task for his effrontery in asking/demanding that I give up my evening to chauffeur him to an event in another city on very short notice, although I was tempted. (I should mention that he made no offer to pay for my gas or buy me a meal even though this trip would have taken at least six hours counting travel time and the duration of the meeting.) He never asked me for another ride again ;-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The same individual gave me grief on another occasion. He was supposed to present the topic for the monthly meeting of our club that month and either the day before or the day of the event, he emailed me asked me to print 14 copies of a document that was already present on our wiki, just in case some people hadn't seen the wiki. (He said his own printer wasn't working.) He made no offer to repay me for the ink in my inkjet cartridges so I assume I was just supposed to donate this. I had no intention of absorbing that cost simply because he demanded it. I offered a compromise: I'd print ONE copy of the document, give it to him just before the meeting, and he could copy it (at HIS expense) on the photocopiers at the library where our meeting was taking place. I arrived about five minutes later than we'd planned due to circumstances beyond my control and then spent several minutes trying to find him, which I eventually did. He was furious with me for not meeting me where he thought we were meeting - we'd agreed to meet at the entrance to the library and he assumed I'd meant the outer entrance but I'd meant the inner entrance - even though you could see one entrance from the other. As for the document I'd printed, he didn't need it because he'd explained what he wanted to a librarian who helped him print it from the wiki. He did not so much as thank me for printing a single copy of the document as promised or coming early to help him out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following this event, I avoiding talking to him entirely beyond bare greetings and he no longer attempted to put any demands on me. Eventually, he stopped coming to the club altogether. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course this is a different situation than yours but nonetheless, I think just saying no a few times is enough. If your &quot;friend&quot; persists in not taking &quot;no&quot; for an answer, just ignore him and if he admonishes you for not coming, remind him that you said no. Unless he is completely dim, he will eventually understand that when you say no, you mean it and it is pointless to keep asking you. Naturally, if you want to accept a later invitation (assuming you get another), you should feel free to go. If you actually like this person or the other people he meets with and you are available, don't be afraid to go if invited. &quot;No, I can't make it this time&quot; is NOT the same as &quot;No, and don't ever ask me again&quot; :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18913" LastActivityDate="2018-09-22T22:43:04.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18712" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-23T00:13:24.013" Score="1" ViewCount="517" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend of opposite sex. We see and talk with each other about once a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every few weeks I initiate an unsolicited conversation online (private message on social media).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person never ignores my messages (and never ignores anyone else either).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask what they think of my unsolicited online conversations and have them answer truthfully?&lt;/strong&gt; (i.e., how to ask them if it is bothersome and should I stop?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Age: 20 to 35 years&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21971" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-09-23T15:01:25.447" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T10:21:06.917" Title="How to ask friend for their honest opinion about my sending messages?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18714" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18715" CreationDate="2018-09-23T05:00:48.920" Score="3" ViewCount="611" Body="&lt;p&gt;For reference, my significant other and I are in our early twenties. We have been married for less than a year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We argue frequently- nothing too toxic, no swearing (which is offensive in our culture), no mimicking or name calling or physical violence. Unfortunately, some of these disputes are difficult to resolve and we are both fairly stubborn. Many of the arguments center around fairly inconsequantial issues. For example, one evening, my s.o., who we will call Taylor, approached me right before we left the house with the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;T: Could you turn of the bathroom light since you were the last one out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;M: What do you mean?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;T: The bathroom. You were the last one in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, I realize Taylor is right, I did walk in the bathroom after they left. However, I didn't do anything in the bathroom (just glanced at my reflection). As I thought about it, I became confused: why did my s.o. leave the light on? What reason did they have to believe I would be the last in the bathroom? Basically, I started feeling really bothered because their actions seemed petty and hypocritical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, I try to generally leave things the way I found them- I don't turn off someone else's light, just like I don't throw their half-eaten meal in the garbage. So it's challenging for me to see how Taylor can justify saying I should have been the one to turn off the light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try explaining this, but Taylor remains convinced I'm wrong. We move on, but later that night the same issue came out but we didn't move on that well and just stopped talking for the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a recurring theme: I feel like I'm being logical and that I'm right, and Taylor is convinced I'm wrong. No amount of talking makes either of us change our minds. I want to make up, but I don't believe I'm wrong. And sometimes, Taylor refuses to move on unless I say I'm wrong. I don't feel comfortable lying, but in these scenarios I'm unsure what I can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is fairly simple: how can I resolve a conflict when we both want to work it out but are both still convinced we were right in the first place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21974" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T17:11:05.353" Title="How to resolve conflict when neither spouse concedes?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18715" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18714" CreationDate="2018-09-23T05:37:39.157" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I resolve a conflict when we both want to work it out but are both still convinced we were right in the first place?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ironically, your answer is in your question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoid being &quot;convinced&quot; you're right.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to remember that in a marriage (or any relationship in general), when conflicts arise, the mindset you adopt should be you and your spouse against the conflict instead of you against your spouse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that these issues are symptomatic of another problem - neither of you seem willing to concede in an argument. This isn't a very healthy way of conflict resolution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No amount of talking makes either of us change our minds. I want to make up, but I don't believe I'm wrong. And sometimes, Taylor refuses to move on unless I say I'm wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you should not discuss merely this issue, but the trend that you have noticed in conflicts you two have had. Just as you have reasons for your beliefs, I'm sure your spouse has reasons for choosing to not move on. Try to discuss and understand each other perspectives, as cliché as it sounds, and avoid thinking that you have to be right and the other party has to be wrong to move on (this applies to both of you) - interpersonal relationships are much more complicated than right and wrong - and be objective: &lt;strong&gt;what is the issue here, and how do we resolve it as a team?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21975" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-23T13:49:17.337" LastActivityDate="2018-09-23T13:49:17.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-23T06:16:19.173" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to bypass skype and talk in person. This is exactly the kind of situation where your friend is using social media (skype) to act in ways which would be difficult if you were talking face to face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is still relevant, I would walk up to this person face to face and state the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey there, I saw your messages on skype regarding the outing you are&#xA;planning next Friday at 9. Thanks for the invite, I really appreciate&#xA;you inviting me. But I wanted to let you know that I will &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; be&#xA;able to come because I have other plans. Perhaps another time. Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Place big emphasis and stress on the &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; so that they understand that its a no. If they persist with questions, like what do you have planned instead of the outing, make sure you do notsay, since this is not their business. Respond instead by diverting the conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: But why can't you come?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I have other plans&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: But what other plans? Can't you tell me? Am I not your friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: So anyway, again really thank you for inviting me and sorry I can't come. I will see you another time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the questioning persists after this face-to-face contact, such as them asking you again why you can't come and what are your other plans, you have now reached the realm of harrassment. This individual is now harassing you and you have to take it to the next level. Another face to face contact (lets say their name is Frank). This has to be done in private, and in a cool, collected manner. You &lt;strong&gt;cannot&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;should not&lt;/strong&gt; get angry/emotional during the following exchange. Stay in control. You need to have a firm tone that shows them there might be negative consequences if they are not careful with you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Listen, Frank, I noticed that you are very persistent about inviting me to these outings. I also noticed that you like to ignore me when I say no, and ask me about my private plans in evenings and weekends? Could you please explain why you do this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: Well you know I just like to make sure you are having fun on evenings and that you are not getting bored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Right, I don't want to be rude, but I don't need you to babysit me. What I do on evenings and weekends is up to me. I appreciate you trying to look out for me but it has gotten to the point where I am quite annoyed by this behavior. I want us to be good coworkers who respect each other's private business. Would it be possible for you to stop this behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point they will probably realize that you mean business and they will either apologize or agree to stop. If they do not stop, or otherwise come up with some immature/mind-bending excuse why they think they should continue the behavior, it means that they enjoy harrassing you, which could eventually take a toll on your productivity at work. That would be a good time to escalate this to HR or your manager. It is better to avoid this, however. Start with the above two steps and most likely they will stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12547" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T13:45:18.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18717" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-23T06:59:23.560" Score="2" ViewCount="196" Body="&lt;p&gt;I spent most of my high school isolating myself. Mostly watching anime and being alone. I was always too afraid to get close to anyone, and now that it has been years since high school, I want to reconnect with those people. Maybe one of those reasons I pushed others away is because I am bisexual, and was afraid of letting people know that. &#xA;How do I start being social? I missed my shot at growing my social skills in high school, so I need somewhere in the adult world to branch out and grow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21978" LastActivityDate="2018-09-23T06:59:23.560" Title="Coping with alienation in high school in adult life?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-23T15:28:11.827" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18643" CreationDate="2018-09-23T09:47:48.963" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually tell the exact location I'm going to, right at the moment I offer to share my umbrella with a woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, she gets to decide how long we share the umbrella. If she wants to, she can pretend she has to go somewhere else, and she doesn't need to be afraid that I'd follow her right to her doorstep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2102" LastActivityDate="2018-09-23T09:47:48.963" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18719" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-23T10:11:08.730" Score="6" ViewCount="500" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I have noticed that the relationship I had built with a co-worker seemed to be eroding. One of the possible reasons might be my manager giving false negative feedback to him on my account. Some context can be found in this &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/115314/how-can-i-deal-with-abuse-by-my-boss&quot;&gt;post&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal&lt;/strong&gt; is to strengthen a good working relationship with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;:&#xA;He was the manager of my partner team. One of his team members was assigned to my project and “report” to me in this project. Our regular interactions involve weekly group meetings with all parter teams and managers and ad-hoc work assignment/brainstorm meetings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have been working together for three quarters. In the first two quarters we had built rapport. Discussions were open and productive, and we both gave each other high performance ratings and positive feedback in our official performance review reports. Outside of work, we also had a few very enjoyable chats at our company lunch where we about similar workout hobbies and books. Knowing a little bit how he sees the world and himself in it, I have a lot of respect for him as a person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Starting this quarter, my manager had been sharing with me “constructive feedback” that she claimed this coworker had privately given her. In the beginning, it definitely planted some seeds of mistrust and resentment in me, as I didn’t feel it was fair to only see one side of the story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I started to realize it might be her abusive tactics to sabotage the working relationship between me and him. My reasons are that 1) there was no private feedback from him in previous quarters. ; 2) she has demonstrated consistent behaviors of making false comments. It’s likely that she was lying about this too. 3) I’m not sure about her intent, but it’s possible she witnessed our rapport and somehow was not happy about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s also likely she was doing the the same to him behind my back, giving negative feedback to him made on my account. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other symptoms:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He used to back me up in meetings, but recently his comments were almost always against mine. Sometime my suggestions and questions were just dismissed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our recent work communication has not been as effective as before. It seems that he was not opening up with me about his true opinions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I respectfully check with him if he had received some negative feedback made on my account? How do I ask if he had given feedback about me to my manager? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best way to build trust is open communication. However, I do not feel comfortable revealing the weird dynamic with my manager. It might stir up a lot of emotions in me and I might be perceived as having personal problems with my manager instead of being objective. However, without that important context, I’m not sure if I’d come across as genuine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastEditorUserId="15507" LastEditDate="2018-09-23T15:40:19.613" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T20:17:00.790" Title="How do I respectfully ask my co-worker if he had received false negative feedback made on my account?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18720" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18706" CreationDate="2018-09-23T10:13:34.287" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stop flirting with your students. It's ridiculously unprofessional, and if anything makes the other students respect you less. On top of that, most educational institutions have policies forbidding sexual relationships between teachers and students. Even if you never take it beyond 'flirting battles', what if someone else in your class reports that you're being unprofessional towards female students?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to deal with flirting students is to remain professional. Ignore any nonverbal flirting. Answer any relevant questions they ask the same way you would if a male student asked them. If they ask personal or inappropriate questions, simply respond with &quot;that's not relevant, let's get back to the topic at hand&quot; or &quot;that's personal, let's get back to the topic at hand&quot;. Repeat as needed. This is not rude, it is the best way to lay down a boundary between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour in your classroom. If you respond by flirting back with them, you show your remaining students that you don't have the ability to shut down inappropriate classroom behaviour. That's a good way to lose control of your class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some 20-year old women (and men) haven't yet learned how to act around someone they find attractive and have a professional relationship with. Some might even be hoping for favours in exchange for flirting (or more). That means you have to be the adult in the room and be firm and shut down inappropriate conversations and questions immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the most important quality as a teacher is to not get provoked by your students. Don't let them dictate your behaviour. This means not engaging in flirting battles, not starting to yell at students who misbehave (you make your opinion of their behaviour clear calmly, without yelling), not letting students shift the classroom discussion to irrelevant topics, and so on. Be the adult in the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3844" LastActivityDate="2018-09-23T10:13:34.287" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18722" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-23T12:21:23.767" Score="5" ViewCount="3105" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm an 18-year-old male. Some weeks ago, I and a female friend of mine went on a one-week cycling trip. We're almost exactly the same age, she's an old childhood friend, we've known each other practically forever, sometimes we saw each other naked when we were children, occasionally we bathed togehter back then. She's more or less like a sister to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We haven't ever been sexually interested in or felt sexually attracted to each other (that is, at least I haven't to her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On our cycling trip, we slept together in one tent, in our underwear, and because of the heat, we slept outside our sleeping bags.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One morning, when I woke up I had a morning wood, which isn't something really surprising. However, she was also awake and watching it. I was so embarrassed I was unable to speak. When she noticed that I'm awake, too, she didn't say anything, but got fully dressed quickly and left the tent, straight-faced. I waited for my morning wood to cease, then I got dressed myself and followed her. We did not talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've received the same sex ed, which didn't specifically deal with morning woods, but when you google that topic, you'll easily find that it is a normal physiological mechanism essentially unrelated to sexual arousal. I don't know though whether she has googled it, and I don't know how well girls in general are informed about that matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a virgin and I'm quite positive that she is, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our trip continued like the days before, we kept talking to each other normally, in fact I don't think her behaviour towards me has changed at all, so our relationship does not seem to have suffered damage and I'm not concerned about that episode anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I have eased the situation in a non-awkward manner? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21986" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-10-01T06:58:26.110" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T05:42:10.330" Title="Handling awkward situations caused by morning erection around non-romantic partner" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18724" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-23T15:54:49.043" Score="2" ViewCount="364" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently communication with my coworker had been a bit weird.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some background &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/18719/how-do-i-respectfully-ask-my-co-worker-if-he-had-received-false-negative-feedbac&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He came to me a few weeks ago and expressed concerns that an important goal of his team was not progressing and that I and my peers should give it some priority. He seemed to be stressed about it. I explained that the task was actually blocked by another team and in fact I had been the one to push it forward. I also tried to reassure him by sharing the concrete steps that team was taking. He seemed to be relieved, smiled, said great and left. I thought we were good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, only a few days later he raised the same issue again in a group meeting with my peers without any acknowledgement of our previous conversation or specific action requests. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It made me feel really frustrated for a few reasons: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, I was not sure how our conversation had landed with him. Was he not happy about the next steps I had scoped out? Did he need more support from my peers? Did he not trust me? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, I had gone extra miles to support his goal and there had been zero acknowledgement or appreciation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, I was surprised to hear that he was misinformed in the first place, as his team member was working directly with me and they should be very much aligned on the progress, blockers and next steps. It made me think whether there is a process issue. I thought about possible reasons and suggested two solutions to him but none was taken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;:&#xA;How do I ask him what his true concerns/requests are without sounding too pushy? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T07:03:22.950" Title="How do I ask my coworker his true opinions?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18725" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18728" CreationDate="2018-09-23T19:15:18.870" Score="1" ViewCount="649" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was thinking of making this two separate questions but I think the two together are closely related and affect each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had the experience a few times were someone is trying to get me to do something or ask me questions that really is between me and a different person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My specific situation is my landlord often has guests and family over. I live in the same building as my landlord does. I feel like whenever my landlord says something or I try to ask her something, a lot of random people butt in. This is a problem because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't feel like my privacy is being respected&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sometimes people give me the wrong information&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In terms of legal concerns, my landlord is the one I should be communicating with.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One example is I asked my landlord how to turn on the heat, and a friend of hers butted in and showed me how to use the thermostat. What he showed me was wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example is the landlord's friend asked me when I was moving out. I really think this is between me and the landlord. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In general, how do you politely tell someone you will discuss something with the person who it concerns (which is not them)?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two separate scenarios:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The person who it does is present but others are too, and they keep jumping into the conversation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The person who it concerns is not present, and the person asking the question is being a &quot;busy body&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the situation where someone is trying to get into someone else's business is fairly generic so I'm not looking for super specific solutions to the couple examples I give here. (If necessary I can give more examples).   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19971" LastEditorUserId="6371" LastEditDate="2018-09-25T00:58:18.433" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T00:58:18.433" Title="How to tell politely someone it's none of their business?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2019-03-13T10:55:28.720" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18727" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18729" CreationDate="2018-09-23T22:10:27.960" Score="2" ViewCount="880" Body="&lt;p&gt;Please reword if necessary&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My crush (same one as in one of my other questions) is now a good friend of mine. She certainly does like me as a friend, and I want to remain as her friend but I also have romantic feelings for her. I am not asking how I should ask her (that was the previous question, thx for the answers btw, really appreciate it!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently she showed me a few texts someone send her who's also interested in her, but that doesn't go both ways (lucky me). She expresses distaste and frustration about that guy and she also says to me that he is a bit of a creep.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I react in that situation while also avoiding an argument with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;additional info:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are both autistic (PDD-NOS)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are both introverts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had a child-relationship in the past, wich I have talked about with her and she still holds photo's and other things (like a little box) with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I slept at her house a week ago, in her room but in separate beds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. Due to my autism, I'm very bad at expressing emotions and writing long pieces of my experience&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7064" LastEditorUserId="4263" LastEditDate="2018-09-30T22:09:12.847" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T22:09:12.847" Title="How do I interpret this situation my crush has given me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-09-24T07:16:41.170" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18728" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18725" CreationDate="2018-09-24T01:30:29.063" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So your communication issue appears to not be with the landlord but rather with random, unknown, strangers?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of this depends on how polite you want to be with others.  Generally, when someone butts in and are not part of the conversation, I'll start out with, &quot;Thank you; I'd prefer that [x] answer this question.  We can converse more later if you'd like.&quot;  Then I'm stating a preference and not locking that person out; I'm also opening the door to a later conversation if the person wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that person doesn't take the hint, then I will become more forceful.  If they butt in again, my response is..  &quot;Excuse me; I'm talking with [x].  You are...?&quot;  [answer]  &quot;Thank you [interrupting person]; I am conducting business with [x].   Please forgive us &#xA; while we finish that.  Thanks!&quot;  Generally that makes plain that I don't want that person's advice.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if they don't then I move to the third phase: &quot;I'm sorry, it appears that I won't be able to get the information I need without an interruption.  When is a good time for me to stop by when we can converse about this without others interrupting?&quot;  Note in this that I don't talk directly to the interrupter; I make plain that my conversation is with the initial subject and I want to continue that when the interrupter is not around.  The sentence is about me and my need, not anything else.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point of these techniques I use is that I don't validate the interrupter by including them in a conversation they weren't invited to be part of.  I continue it with the initial subject and say little to the person injecting him/herself into the conversation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously there's a time to be gracious; I don't recommend doing this when you're engaged in a friendly conversation about the weather (for example).  This should only be used when conducing business and an additional person's presence hinders conducting that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I missed this so I'll add it as an edit: WRT a busybody, that's actually pretty simple.  &quot;I'll have that conversation with [x], thanks&quot; and leave it go at that. You don't debate their qualifications to answer the question; you don't engage them; you just make plain that you want that conversation with the desired party.  If they ask &quot;why&quot;, the response is also quite simple: &quot;That's the party I desire to have that conversation with.  I appreciate your curiosity but that's business matter between the two of us; I'm sure you understand.&quot; And leave it there.  If they are persistent, then revert to the first answer and repeat it ad infinitum.  You are under no obligation to explain your desire to conduct your business with someone else and a busybody will only try to argue with you to include them, so don't give them anything.  Be polite yet firm: &quot;I'll have that conversation with [x], thanks&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T13:39:45.930" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T13:39:45.930" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18729" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18727" CreationDate="2018-09-24T02:43:28.147" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You really cannot interpret this action in isolation. She could be thinking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ugh, this guy, texting me, expressing an interest in me, I don't want a relationship, so gross, it's horrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She could just as well be thinking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;ugh, this guy, texting me, expressing an interest in me, when he's nothing at all like dear sweet Termatinator, so gross, it's horrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people will think that she's showing you this to confirm that she's not dating anyone else, and to show you how close you are that she can share these confidences with you. Others will think she's showing you this to confirm that you and she are &quot;just friends&quot; and that she has a dating life which is separate from this friendship. Either or both could be right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially with someone on the spectrum, trying to guess from indirect cues like this will be highly frustrating. She's not necessarily sending accurate cues (for example she may have strong feelings she isn't showing) and you're not necessarily reading the cues she sends accurately. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what should you do? First, you can learn from her what she (and likely many other young women) consider creepy. This will help you avoid being creepy yourself with her or with others. Second, you can be a supportive friend and say things like &quot;I am sorry you are being pestered like this, is it upsetting?&quot; Do not be a supportive friend by taking action yourself such as telling the other person to stop bothering her, at least certainly not without making sure she's ok with it. Most young women would not be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, if you're feeling brave, you can use discussion of her dating life as a way to start discussing her dating life and whether there is room for you in it. By raising the subject, she's opening that possible conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can't do is conclude that a relationship between you might be possible or is a complete no-go, based simply on her showing you these texts. The information you need is not there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T02:43:28.147" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18731" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18734" CreationDate="2018-09-24T04:46:15.957" Score="42" ViewCount="19658" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have this female friend who likes hanging with me. She even comes at my place to spend some time. She's my good friend. Sometimes back, she had a heartbreak and she's been telling me she is not ready for relationships or roll with any guy. Some few days ago, I was at her place then she got a call and told me her man was coming so I should leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Afterwards, in the late night she sent me a message that she's not into relationships again. Then later in the morning she told me she sent the text because she was high and they'd been drinking. &#xA;I have no interest in her whatsoever. I just have her as a friend but I need to tell her to stop lying about her current state and embrace what she has without sounding rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is the best way to politely ask a female friend to stop lying to me about her relationship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14184" LastEditorUserId="14184" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T10:03:01.013" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T10:03:01.013" Title="Politely ask a female friend to stop lying to me about her relationship" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18732" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-24T05:30:34.217" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think what is happening is that by responding you give him the impression that you are still responsive and could perhaps be persuaded eventually. You said that you started ignoring him at some point, but you did not. I think that right after &quot;Him: let me know if you change your mind&quot; you should have simply said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No means no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And delete every subsequent message from him about that matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, you must put your foot firmly down and follow right through if you want others to take you seriously, otherwise some of them will always treat you as a footstool that can be pushed around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12070" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T05:30:34.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18724" CreationDate="2018-09-24T07:03:22.950" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just have a one-on-one with your co-worker and ask him if your proposed ideas were not enough (as a gentle reminder that the issues have been resolved). Stress can also make people forget stuff and act strange. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him tell you how he feels and what he needs too, so you both are on the same page if you missed to address a point that he feels is important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T07:03:22.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18731" CreationDate="2018-09-24T07:35:24.587" Score="97" Body="&lt;h1&gt;She is trying to justify herself&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My guess is that she is lying because she tries to give you a picture of herself that, she imagines, will meet your expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to make clear to her that she is your friend and that you are OK with whatever she wants to do with her personal life. She can start a relationship, have friends for the night or stay alone and you will be happy anyway to hang out with her and chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you see her, try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, [Name], about the texts from the other night. You don't have to justify anything. I'm your friend and I'm happy as long as you're happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe, if she feels that she doesn't have to explain what she is doing to you, and that you are not judging her, it will be easier for her to tell the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11498" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T08:24:01.850" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18735" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18738" CreationDate="2018-09-24T07:40:13.450" Score="4" ViewCount="1106" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to end a date that is mostly about conversing. Example: long conversations where the only reason the date concluded was last call for a train or the place we were at was closing. I enjoy most of the dates I have so I don't want to sound abrupt in closing the date or give off the impression I didn't enjoy my time with the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some details on me, if it matters:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm a guy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;More of a listener than a talker, so the other person has more control over the coversation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are only talking about dates that don't have a clear ending&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3231" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T08:22:02.330" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T16:23:21.333" Title="How do I conclude a date without sounding rude or abrupt?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;first-impressions&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18736" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18689" CreationDate="2018-09-24T08:00:46.600" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;You can choose your friends, not your family&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you say, you have acted very well. Keep friendly with the future bride. You don't want to start a war with her: she is soon to be part of your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You brother choose her. That's it. He probably sees everything you say, but because of other factors, he still thinks she is the One. So respect it and trust him in his choices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, what you could do is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Propose your help for the organisation&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hi brother, I know you are very busy, and probably your fiancee too. Would you like me to help with something? The &amp;quot;Thanks&amp;quot; cards maybe?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By doing this, you show him that you care for him. And you give to discreet hints:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A reminder about thanks cards (or whatever you choose to ask) and&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They seem to be a bit late about organisation, they both seem too busy (and he knows if his fiancee is really busy or not).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Involve your mother&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you fear that she will be unhappy, try to do positive things about the wedding with her. Show her that you are happy, it's contagious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go together to buy a dress/hat for the wedding&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Plan together about going to the hairdresser on the day of the wedding, just before.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Prepare together a personal gift/talk for the wedding. (childhood pictures of your brother, funny story that happened to him, ...)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sre the wedding will be great, and that your brother is thankful that you care for him. Maintaining a good relation with his wife will help you maintain a good relation with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11498" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T08:00:46.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18737" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-24T08:20:40.917" Score="3" ViewCount="478" Body="&lt;p&gt;For two years, we have been renting out part of our house to a family who we were introduced to through church. Our family is no longer part of said church, but we are still on friendly terms due to them having no other place to go. Now their son in particular, is nothing short of rebellious. He has been smoking since the age of 11 (according to him), even smoking during exams, and regularly gets drunk with mutual friends despite the fact that he is still underage by law, and has recently been driving under the influence without a driver's license. (He turns 18 in November, which is the legal age for both driving and alcohol consumption in my country). He is not an abrasive person, in fact he is quite tolerant and laid-back, and has shown this personality around me all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bit of background about me: I am 24, and heavily introverted. I have generally gone through a rough childhood where my parents have sheltered me from most childhood activities, and have been very hard on me when it came to making my own choices, hence my introversion and inability to be firm about a decision. I still live with them so they would most likely severely punish me if they found out the truth about him, as he is very good at keeping it a secret from both of our families. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result, I have grown to appreciate solitude a lot more, and don't make friends easily, especially if they're the children of family friends, who are outside my age group. This is why I refer to him as an 'acquaintance'. I have regrettably lied to him before about having 'other commitments', and we do still spend time together when the activity is deemed 'moral' enough by both of our families, (e.g going to the movies).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have just recently acquired my driver's license, so while I can legitimately get away now, it also opened the door for him to potentially use me as a free taxi service, which I obviously don't want. I also definitely do not want him to coerce me into breaking the law in my family's car. However, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings when making a decision, so I want to know how to decline his frequent invitations to go with his other friends to break the law by speeding excessively, and driving under the influence, without lying or offending his feelings, and also to let him know where I draw the line about his habits while abiding by the same principles outlined above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22002" LastEditorUserId="22002" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T12:50:36.087" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T12:50:36.087" Title="How to tell acquaintance that I don't endorse his reckless habits?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;&lt;south-africa&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18735" CreationDate="2018-09-24T08:22:30.210" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think plenty of us have been on dates (or just in friendly meet-ups) where we would be capable of just chatting indefinitely. Unfortunately, other obligations such as sleep, work, train times etc. can cut such meetings short. Most of the time, people will understand this if it does not come as too much of a surprise. We all have other responsibilities in life to ourselves and others. Even if you are mostly a listener, if you are both chatting most of the time, there will be opportunities to bring it into a conversation without seeming rude or abrupt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can make it clear that you'll have to leave at a certain time without it sounding as if you WANT to cut the date short, rather that you HAVE to. &lt;em&gt;&quot;I'll be able to stay out with you for another hour or so; my last train is around eleven-ish.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; can come across better than &lt;em&gt;&quot;I have to go, my next train's in ten minutes&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. In this example, you're clearly demonstrating that you're having a good time by remarking that you'll be happy to stay in their company for a least another hour or so (rather than ten minutes!) and given them a friendly advance warning that there will be a wind-down time at some point later. It also comes across positive that you're offering a bit of flexibility on when exactly you will have to leave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it comes closer to when you want to leave, you can again bring the point across without it sounding so abrupt. If for example you are buying rounds, you can remark that you &lt;em&gt;&quot;have time for one more&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Again, it demonstrates that even if your time together is limited, you are still enjoying their company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, a friendly mention of your home-time earlier in the evening (without dwelling on it) will avoid you coming across as abrupt or rude later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T08:22:30.210" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18689" CreationDate="2018-09-24T08:34:09.640" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, you may not welcome this answer, but it seems to me that you're looking to find fault with this woman.  Of course she has picked up on that and is keeping her distance.  The solution is for you and your family to avoid seeing everything she does as about you and designed to hurt you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that stands out about your comment is that she talks about herself a lot and doesn't take much of an interest in anything.  I obviously don't know her, so can't judge for myself.  So I'm going to assume you're right about this.  We all know people like this and that means we're all faced with a choice: (1) be mature and deal with that one problem or (2) use that one problem as an excuse for making OTHER criticisms of the person and blowing things up to be unpleasant for everyone.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and your family seem to be choosing (2) right now--using this woman's selfish attitude as a reason to find fault with everything she does.  I can understand why you'd do that.  Selfish people are annoying and it's tempting.  But if you want your brother to be happy, if you want family gatherings to be about fun instead of drama, then you have to choose (1).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can you deal with her selfishness?  When you see her, ask her how she is doing.  Ask her specific questions about her life.  That way, you're giving her an opportunity to feel valued as a person.  I'm guessing that right now, she feels like she has to fight for attention because if she doesn't, none of YOU will take an interest in her.  Then after she has said her piece, make sure not to talk about things that exclude her.  If you talk about people she doesn't know, include her by explaining who they are.  Make sure to discuss topics that aren't just people, but hobbies, the news, etc, that she can join in on.  That way, she won't feel she needs to fight for attention.  Then if she continues making everything about her, gently redirect the conversation to topics that aren't her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've mentioned some specific situations that are a problem.  Every single one of them falls under &quot;none of your business.&quot;  Her relationship with your mother is your mother's business.  Her wedding plans are your brother's business and hers.  They don't involve you and you can't use them as an excuse for disapproving of her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me explain that a bit more.  I understand your position.  Of course you want your family members to be happy.  But she is also your family member now.  And also, I think your brother is not behaving as a man mature enough to get married should.  He should NOT be criticizing her to you guys.  He should not be pretending that he isn't responsible for decisions about the wedding, etc.  If she has spent her money and he doesn't want to spend his on something (not just the wedding but anything), then he needs to man up and be responsible for deciding whether to still get married to someone who doesn't have the same financial goals as him and how much to spend.  If people were invited only three weeks before the wedding, then he is also responsible for that.  Also, people had the freedom to decline to attend if they found it inconvenient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your parents' wedding anniversary, why would she care about that?  It's a celebration between a couple.  I barely know when my own parents' anniversary is and can't imagine being expected to make a fuss of someone else's parents' anniversary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is all a long-winded way of saying that you need to step back.  You need to stop making your brother out to be a helpless victim.  He is responsible for his own relationship.  It is his job to smooth the way between her and your family.  You are making a very common mistake right now, which is to demonize her and act like your brother is a saint--and say just enough to him that he starts having doubts about her.  This is not helping your brother.  If you make his marriage unhappy, he will not be happy and he will not enjoy being around your family if he starts associating you guys with stress.  I sound critical, but I genuinely am trying to help.  I hope you have the maturity to look at what is going on and examine your family's role in this situation.  You'll all be happier for it.  Good luck.     &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22003" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T08:34:09.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18740" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18737" CreationDate="2018-09-24T09:15:14.543" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I mean this in the nicest way possible - there are some superfluous details in your question. The fact you met him through a church you no longer attend, and your own introversion are not really anything to do with the fact you have a tenant who is breaking the law and you don't want to be part of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mention this, not to criticise your question, but to point out to you that you seem to be feeling worse about this than you should. The fact you think these details have anything to do with the problem suggests to me that you may be blaming yourself in some way, or feeling guilt over wanting to refuse his requests. Really, you have no reason to feel bad about cutting him off. This is simply about you not wanting to break the law, and that's all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't want to hang out with him at all, you just need to respond to his offer with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks, but no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be short, but it is truthful, firm, and doesn't &quot;attack&quot; his choices in any way. If he expects more detail you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It just isn't my thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Or whatever similar expression is most natural and inoffensive in your country/culture) Whatever you choose to say, the aim is to state that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't want to go, not that you are judging him for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If on the other hand you feel comfortable associating with him but want to draw the line at certain things - for example if you don't mind taking him for a ride in your car but don't want him to drink in it, or you don't want to speed because he asks you to - then you need to be equally as assertive but make it clear it is &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; personal decision, not an attack on his own values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can't drink in our car. If you want to drink that is your choice, but not in our car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T09:15:14.543" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18741" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18762" CreationDate="2018-09-24T09:22:33.337" Score="33" ViewCount="22345" Body="&lt;p&gt;I met a person online. Both of us 35.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some conversation, I asked him the kind of books he prefers. He told me that he reads dark books which I won't like. I guessed &quot;crime/ghosts&quot;, he said no. Then I got curious to know what does dark mean and asked him to give example. He told me he likes &quot;Penthouse forums&quot; and reading about the sadistic side of humans. One side dominating the other vulnerable one in sexual terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some time later he asked me to tell him my dark side. Then he asked me to tell him the wildest thing I have done. I asked him if he has asked in reference to the books he reads. He replied he knows I am not too sexual since I usually talk about specifics and sexuality is not black &amp;amp; white etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;How to respond to someone who wants to know my dark side and wild things that I have done when I don't understand what he wants to know exactly?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Moreover, when someone asks and tells such things what does it usually mean? What should be expected from such people and conversations?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are from India. India has a conservative culture regarding females and wild things (whatever that means).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="120" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-09-25T12:58:04.407" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T06:53:13.583" Title="How to respond to someone who wants to know my dark side and wild things that I have done?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-09-26T13:27:05.307" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-24T09:36:43.730" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have to tell this guy his behavior is stupid. Rather than saying abruptly, use &lt;strong&gt;humor&lt;/strong&gt; to make him understand he acts stupidly. This is an alternative to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/18616/21458&quot;&gt;Ontamu&lt;/a&gt;'s answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Him: Don't forget to order your meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: By the way I have an important question for you...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Him: Yes ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: In the sentence &quot;I already promised others. I can't come with you&#xA;  guys and that won't change&quot; - what is the word that you don't&#xA;  understand ? I will be glad to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21458" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T09:36:43.730" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18689" CreationDate="2018-09-24T09:53:52.490" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may not like this advice, but before I begin I will tell you that this comes from someone who has been divorced, and once I was in a very similar position to your brother. So I'm not telling you any of this from some abstract point of view. I understand your position, and you might even be right, but I see it from the other side and I want to give you a balanced answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With weeks or days to go before your brother gets married, I promise you that if you were to approach your brother with the subject of &quot;are you sure about this woman?&quot;  or raise any other negative feeling about her then chances are it will lead to the biggest upset of your lives. He will be beyond offended. He will tell his wife-to-be. You may all be cut out of the wedding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to consider the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. That she isn't as bad as you think&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you are expecting too much from her because of how much you love your brother. As a close family unit you are all similar, but that doesn't mean your brother has to marry someone who behaves exactly like his own family. Nobody is perfect. You yourself (and your brother) will have flaws. You want to point out her flaws, but is she doing that to you? If you say what you are thinking, you will come off as the baddie, not her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. That your brother is an adult&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he's old enough to marry, he's old enough to make this decision. She might be a bad match, and it might go horribly wrong, but you can't tell him that at this late stage without insulting his decision-making process and his right to his own choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;3. That marriage might be the making of both of them&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lots of people marry too young, too hastily, or are just blinded by love to their partner's bad points. But a successful marriage is not so much about how similar you are, but about &lt;em&gt;how you deal with differences&lt;/em&gt;. Both of them are going to have to make adjustments for it to work. It might just be that after a year or two of marriage, she is a better person &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; she loves your brother enough to make those kind of adjustments. Being &quot;self-centered&quot; just doesn't work in any kind of partnership. So even if it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a bad match, it doesn't mean it will fail. If they both try hard to make it work, then it can, and some of the strongest marriages are forged that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;4. That if it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a mistake, it is your brother's mistake to make&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the bit you may not like to hear. But as a divorced man I can tell you that while I admit I made a bad choice now, if my family had told me that at the time I would not have listened. In fact I would likely have supported my wife because &lt;em&gt;that's what married people do&lt;/em&gt;. If you brother is serious about this girl, she's his chosen family now, so he will always take her side and he will defend her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless you had a &lt;em&gt;serious, tangible concern&lt;/em&gt; like you've uncovered proof of a secret past or something equally as dramatic, then you should support your brother's decision to marry. Because if it &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; fall apart (and I hope it doesn't) then he'll need you all and your support then, too. Make divisions now, and should the worst happen down the line he could spiral into self-oblivion if he believes he has no support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often mention in answers a useful psychotherapy model known as the &lt;em&gt;Karpman drama triangle&lt;/em&gt;. In short, it explains how, in a real-life &quot;drama&quot; those involved are forced into three roles of &lt;em&gt;victim&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;persecutor&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;rescuer&lt;/em&gt;. If you make one of the roles, the other two will emerge. What I believe is that if you &quot;attack&quot; his wife-to-be then  you will become the &quot;persecutor&quot;, she will be the &quot;victim&quot; and your brother will naturally rush to her aid as her &quot;rescuer&quot;.  Don't make yourself into the bad guy. If she &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; have a problem with you (and she might not; she might just be a bit self-centred right now) and she says negative things about you to your brother then he will naturally defend &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. Let it be that way around, if anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T09:53:52.490" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18741" CreationDate="2018-09-24T10:21:22.590" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can only tell from my experience (means my answer is based on my own experiences and should be only linked to them. I don't mean it at a general rule). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When men start talking about topics like that, they usually want to push the conversation into sexual ways to get arousal from it. Common next step is to send/ask you for explicit images and stuff like that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;br&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting a question like this early on by a random stranger over the internet is creepy and it doesn't matter if he belongs to any community or not. From my experience, most people who come up with such questions early on are creeps and want to shift the conversation in sexual ways.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's worth to mention that sadism != murder and that not all people who asking questions like this are creeps or have bad intentions.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;But coming up with a topic like that early on is most likely a creepy sign in my opinion.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to stay away from those people (unless you want to talk about stuff like that) and block them, if possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17142" LastEditorUserId="120" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T06:53:13.583" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T06:53:13.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18741" CreationDate="2018-09-24T10:59:58.083" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Short answer to your question of how to respond: &lt;strong&gt;never respond to a question that makes you feel uncomfortable&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting to know someone does involve asking them questions. In fact if someone talks more about themselves than they ask about you, something isn't quite right. But there is another extreme, and I think you are seeing this here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person wants you to reveal &lt;em&gt;specific&lt;/em&gt; things (eg &quot;dark&quot; thoughts, or something sexual) rather than asking you &lt;em&gt;open questions&lt;/em&gt;. They are not showing an interest in your likes and dislikes - they are trying to lead you down a very specific path, and that is a form of &lt;em&gt;manipulation&lt;/em&gt;. Do not fall for it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think this has anything to do with your country or culture. I am very concerned that this man might be looking for someone else to share his &quot;dark&quot; side with. If you really have no concept of what that means, the question you should really be asking is not &quot;what does that mean&quot;, but rather &quot;&lt;em&gt;do I really want to know??&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not intend to demonise anyone who claims to practice such things as your online friend does. What is most concerning is that this person is evidently hoping to find someone interested in these things &lt;em&gt;outside&lt;/em&gt; any &quot;community&quot; that exists for those involved in such practices. I would describe this as a form of &quot;grooming&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, not judging the personal preference of others, but personally I do not feel &quot;grooming&quot; of any sort is a sign of an equal, loving relationship; rather a form of manipulation designed to &quot;soften&quot; someone to something they would otherwise have found abhorrent if presented to them with full transparency. If what your online suitor has hinted at is not your personal preference and you do not wish to get pulled into that world then you should consider severing all communication and putting measures in place to protect yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T13:35:10.753" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T13:35:10.753" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18746" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18719" CreationDate="2018-09-24T11:38:35.417" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been working in a company for 11 years now, and I can tell you that those feelings are misplaced. Indeed, you are having too many ideas without any proper feedback to state those arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People have the tendency to over complicate things. You are not getting reciprocated feedback so your cues are out of bounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will quote to you something my manager used to repeat for me:&#xA;If you assume, you make an ass of u and me (ass-u-me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that these feelings you are having are not substantiated in any way, once you open the discussion, the idea will spread around that you have rampant notions of delusion. That is not true of course, but you have made your daily interaction to be accustomed to feedback. However, you have not realized that some people you have not been socially trained to pickup their physical cues. Therefore, you are at a disarray because it is confusing to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not pay too much attention to what your mind is picking up in terms of behavioral pickup. You have a job, do it and get it right. They ask you to do jump, you say how high. They tell you to do things differently, just do it. Learn to improve in order to coexist. Later on, you will matter. We have a saying back home, tie the donkey where its owner wants it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another one: Leave your dough to the baker, even if he ate half of them.&#xA;One day, you will become that baker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are times where your feedback is needed, don't allow this confusion now to rob you away from being an authority on anything later on. Raise yourself above being a social recluse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why do people change their behaviors sometimes? Why didn't you expect they have other things in their lives that are causing them this swing in behavior? They have their own personal lives too. That is expected, they are human beings, they have their metabolism, their social needs and they expect as well social cues which some may learn to overlook them or not. The higher up the person, the more trained they are to proper interaction, normally. :D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are other factors but I will not go over them here. They do not relate to you directly, hence not crucial to your ability to work and have a successful life at the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So to answer your question, don't ask anything which is not related to the job at hand. Nothing personal if you are not confident enough.&#xA;Negative feedback of you is always welcome. Don't fret about it. Try to work around your problems and please remember these golden rules:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No problem lasts forever. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tomorrow is always a brighter day. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Time heals all wounds. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If all fails, there is nothing that whiskey can't solve.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you the best of luck forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22007" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T12:07:32.547" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T12:07:32.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18731" CreationDate="2018-09-24T11:56:24.697" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friend is probably not really lying, at least not primarily to you. This sounds like a case of her not being truthful to herself first and foremost. I would assume that she would honestly &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; the things she says to you to be true (that she's not into relationships right now, that the thing with her ex is over, etc.), but evidently they are not. In other words, she probably believes what she tells you when she tells it to you - but then things change when he texts or calls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be her friend, the best thing you can do is probably to have an honest conversation about what is going on in her love life. Happy people typically don't flip-flop between &quot;I am so over this&quot; and &quot;he is coming to my place in an hour so you need to get out&quot;. What you can do as a friend is help her come to understand her own emotions - maybe, even likely, she &lt;em&gt;isn't&lt;/em&gt; quite over this guy, and that's fine, but she should understand how she feels so that she can make informed decisions. As Legisey says, it's important to not judge her for her emotions (it's ok to still have feelings for somebody, even if these feelings led her to heartbreak before), but that does not necessarily mean that the best course of action is to jump right back into a relationship. Alternating between &quot;I hate that guy&quot; and one-night stands is probably even worse. These are things that you as a friend can help her talk through (but keep in mind that at the end of the day it's not about you - if she tells you she will not see him again only to hook up with him the next day, she isn't doing this to spite you!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, there is also the alternate possibility that, at least from her side, your relationship isn't quite platonic, and that's why she wants to convince you that she is in fact single and (almost) available. We random people on the Internet can't figure this out for you, but it's certainly a possibility to consider if she does not want to talk about her ex to specifically you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6272" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T11:56:24.697" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18748" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-24T12:10:09.863" Score="3" ViewCount="426" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all,thanks for reading this extremely rambling question. This is a highly personal scenario I've wanted to get help with, and frankly couldn't work up the guts to talk to someone, not even my guardians. So I'd really appreciate it if you'd bear with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An extremely close relative passed away when I was taking admission in the college and I was not in a proper state of mind. So I tended to keep close to myself in the first few days. This guy, a sophomore picked me out from the very first day and started asking annoying questions, all of which I attempted to politely deflect; but this somehow gave him an incentive to progress to causing even more disturbance, until some of his and my classmates restrained him. Such incidents happened some time till the freshman-sophomore bonding ceremony of the college, and I did not really see more of him that semester, which led me to moving on with life and accepting said occurrences as bad experiences which could be ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my second semester, all was going well until one day which has traumatized me ever since. I was working in the lab with saws and files, and was taking a breather,when this guy passes by. Nonchalantly he pats and fondles my balls quickly before walking by as if nothing had happened. As he was passing by, a file I held at an awkward angle opened a tear on his fabric and this act was unintentional; I might justify it as a kneejerk reaction. He turned back and cornered me, abusing me for disrespecting my seniors and promising to get me after class. As I tried to leave for the day, a quarter of an hour later, he confronted me with two older seniors who shouted at me, while my supposed classmates laughed at me, and asked me to apologise to the guy. After initially being angry, I got scared, sought my bully out and apologised for any trouble or misunderstanding (I don't know what I had done to him to this day). Then at the gates he got an even more rough guy to scare me witless, and he tore my satchel as I threw embarrassment to the wind and ran out of the gates. This has taken a lot to come out with, and I'm admitting only recently that said event has scarred me mentally, perhaps for good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was ostracized by my mates and became a laughing stock to the rest. I was a tall, super skinny guy, and being laughed at was a regular part of my life. It became agonizing, and I couldn't live with that. Even going to college was painful. I tried to adopt a different persona, viz that of a talkative geek, but it doesn't go too well and hurts me more at the end of the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This story doesn't end in my sophomore days either. One day, as I ate during recess, this guy appears in the room accompanied by a few of my laughing batchmates. He proceeds to prod and insult me, even after I requested him to stop. So I clam up, because anything I do will be twisted by him as an excuse for violence, and soon he leaves, being bored. But then I went to the toilet and he sidled up to me asking why I did not talk. I tried to leave immediately but he blocked the exit and started pushing at me. I tackled him to make my escape, fell down and got my backside handed to me. I complained to the departmental head. When this guy is summoned, he makes it out that I'm an ill-behaved maladjusted aggressor, who can't seem to distinguish between good fun and violence. The professor made us shake hands and we parted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These incidents have taken a toll on me. I cannot concentrate on my studies any more and find myself in a haze of nightmares and spurious bursts of anger at random things. I obsessively go through self-help books and martial arts videos to gain motivation, but this doesn't help either. Meanwhile this guy in his last year, has, it seems, begun targeting me once more. He hasn't got an opportunity to escalate yet, cause I always move with a few guys I recently got to know and he's stuck to throwing insults only. But I'm very scared though I try my best not to show it and maintain a stiff upper lip, indeed I doubt anyone apart from me knows about my trauma. But I've had my fill of such experiences and feelings for a lifetime and I would like to get concrete advice on how to get over myself and steps to take should I ever get accosted like this again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT:Noon and the others added insightful advice and I'm grateful to them for that.Though I'd really like advice on how I could have handled said situation better,since said person has once again begun an,albeit one-sided communication channel by recent means of testing my patience,I'd like to know how to respond to him in justified manner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22015" LastEditorUserId="22015" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T12:45:14.920" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T13:15:56.853" Title="How to move forward from being bullied severely as freshman?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;college&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;&lt;abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-09-24T20:46:58.683" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18749" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18748" CreationDate="2018-09-24T13:15:56.853" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me start off by saying that I am very sorry for how you are being treated, both by your bullies as well as the department head. My initial reaction would be to escalate the situation to an instance beyond the department head, be it his supervisor or the principal. This is violence in the school which affects your school work, as well as physical and mental health and that should never be tolerated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Nonchalantly he pats and fondles my balls quickly before walking by as if nothing had happened.&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; is sexual assault and should be treated as such, and I would advice you to at least talk to the police about it, and make sure that it is documented. If they decide not to press charges, the situation has already been documented in case he escalates his behaviour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also talk to them about the bullying you are going through and say that you want it documented as well. For each instance in which he bullies you, document the time and location as well as what happens in detail and bring it to the department head and say that you have involved the police and would like help in the matter. Perhaps then he will look at it more seriously. Or once again, contact his supervisor. Be vocal about the situation you are in until someone listens. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To answer your question, though:&#xA;&lt;em&gt;But I've had my fill of such experiences and feelings for a lifetime and I would like to get concrete advice on how to get over myself and steps to take should I ever get accosted like this again.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that some steps you should take is to &lt;strong&gt;talk to your guardians&lt;/strong&gt; about the situation and get therapy as it helps to provide support and resources to deal with bullying. This is a situation which shouldn't have to be handled by yourself anymore. Hopefully your guardians are responsible and can help you escalate the reports of abuse so that it gets looked at and taken care of, be it changing school or him being expelled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the meantime, if you keep being approached by your bully, tell him that you wish to be left alone and any contact he makes with you will be reported to the school and police. If you are in public, be loud so you draw attention to yourself and your bully in hopes that he will realize that you are no longer an &quot;easy&quot; target. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T13:15:56.853" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18750" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18753" CreationDate="2018-09-24T13:26:08.470" Score="2" ViewCount="382" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a software developer with 4+ years of experience. I'm moving out of my current company and get a better offer (both in pay and role) from another company. I'm socially awkward and try to avoid daily meetings in my agile work environment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I get a huge hike with my new job offer with a role of technical lead. I believe I'm not ready for it yet. But still I want to give it a try as it can be a game changer for me. I have even planned to fake it till I make it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I think it may not be fair not to inform about my incompetency to my future employer. So will that be considered dishonesty if they find out about my shortcomings in future? How can I inform them politely, I may not be a great fit for lead role but would be great addition to the team as I'm technically strong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: I was already able to fake it in the interview. So it wouldn't be a problem for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22021" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T14:10:40.410" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T14:29:28.500" Title="How to turn down a promotion in new job?" Tags="&lt;introverts&gt;&lt;leadership&gt;&lt;employers&gt;&lt;jobs&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-09-24T15:45:04.813" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18751" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-24T13:46:23.050" Score="6" ViewCount="1305" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a friend with benefits for almost one year who eventually became my girlfriend even though I didn't see her as so, I could say it was just by routine, we were seeing just each her and doing &quot;couple&quot; things so we started dating, even though we never talked about it. Let's call her Jennifer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jennifer's family situation is not good. Her brother is a drug addict and her father abandoned them and her mother. Moreover her family is poor. And she has little to no friends, I am the closest friend she has.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if we were dating, I didn't have strong feelings for her, I was not even in love and I was embarrassed to be seen with her as she is not beautiful. I know this is a stupid thing and I shouldn't care about what others say but I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, at that time (and still) I liked another girl who lives far away from me (different continents) so I can't have any kind of relationship with her. I have liked this girl for 2 years and a half now, but still I am not sure if I am in love with her or not, distance is such a big obstacle to me and she has a boyfriend. Let's call her Sophie. Sophie is my best friend. And the 3 of us are in our 20s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is that at the beginning, when I was seeing Jennifer as friends with benefits everything was fine as I could still see other girls at discos and so on, but Jennifer was not happy with that and we started an exclusive relationship. Some time after it, I met with one friend and we decided to go to the beach, so I cheated on her but I didn't say anything to her at that time. I know it's not good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I went on a trip with Sophie and I really wanted to be with her (physically talking) because I really find her so attractive and I like her personality lot, even more than Jennifer, Sophie asked me if I wouldn't feel bad about Jennifer and honestly I wouldn't have regretted it. Talking with her she told me I should tell Jennifer about me cheating on her and I completely agree, my family also told me I should. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I came from the trip I told Jennifer about cheating on her and that I didn't see her as a girlfriend, she was so upset and I thought we would not even be friends but eventually we are going out every weekend to the cinema as friends and I am even sleeping at her home from time to time. Now, I don't have any problem with that, I have my feelings for her clear and I just see her as a friend or a friend with benefits, nothing else. I still like Sophie most, both her personality and physique.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But from this time on, I am starting to be worried of this behavior as could be a sign of her having a dependence relationship with me. As I have said she doesn't have many friends and her situation is difficult. But, at the same time, it feels weird for me that she wants to have contact after cheating on her and telling her that I don't like her as a girlfriend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question and goal is how can I gently ask her about it without breaking the friendship we have now? I don't want her to be in love with me again or something because it is not going to be the same way with me, and I wouldn't like to hurt her again. How could I approach her? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22025" LastEditorUserId="22025" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T11:33:17.663" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T11:33:17.663" Title="How to ask my ex if she has a dependence relationship with me?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18750" CreationDate="2018-09-24T14:29:28.500" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Word of Warning&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may actually be no way you can have you cake and eat it, the pay and conditions are subject to the requirements of the job. you may be able to ask for a lower position but with that position will be lower pay (it may still be on more than your old job but less than this TL job).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Its also worth noting that doing a job badly can have very bad repercussions compared to turning down that job and not doing it at all, if you are genuinely not ready for the role, then it may be worthwhile just turning the job down outright. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Meat of the matter&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something non committal but also not rejecting might be the best bet here, as you have already &quot;faked it in the interview&quot; so you don't want to make problems before you even start in the role&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [&lt;em&gt;insert boss's name&lt;/em&gt;], in regards to the requirements of my new role, I just wanted to clarify a couple of points: will there be any staff under me? and will I be required to carry out performance reviews or any other minor HR roles? i only ask as I've had plenty of one on one meetings with managers, but I've not had to any experience sitting on the other side of the table. You may have been able to tell in my interview while my technical abilities are very good, i do not have much experience in the managerial role and this concerns me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sets out that you are aware that you'll need to perform some of these roles but doesn't shut them down immediately, as you've said you faked it in the interview so you don't want to appear as to have lied to your new boss. but it also sets out in advance that your social abilities are indeed a concern which means your boss has been made aware of it, this should help steer the conversation towards a situation where you can either attempt to change the conditions for your new role or ask for a lower position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm Sorry [&lt;em&gt;insert boss's name&lt;/em&gt;] I've thought about it a lot and while i would really like the opportunity to work for you, I'm worried my Social skills don't match the requirements that my team would need. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it look like you are more concerned &lt;em&gt;for the team&lt;/em&gt; then with the role, this shows you have a moral compass and is a gentle and polite refusal of the job. but also makes you look good to your new boss, i would avoid following it up straight away with &quot;is there any chance i can work in a less senior role&quot; too quickly as your boss will likely want to think about it for a short while, instead give him a minute and see what he says, if he offers to adjust your terms of service then discuss it and arrange whats best for you, but try to think about whats best for him/her as well and meet somewhere in the middle. if they're annoyed that time has been wasted then you should just thank him for his time and walk away. leave it a day or two and then email offering your sincere apologies and ask that they keep your CV and should a less senior position open up to consider you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Training&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could follow up the first paragraph with a small section about wanting to be trained for these roles if they are indeed part of your new position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know the role requires me to be an Technical Adviser to junior members of the team and conduct reviews, this is my weakest skill for this position and was wanting to see if there was any training available to help me improve that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This I admit would only really be for the HR tasks that Leads often have to perform but you may find it helpful and after some time you might find that you are able to perform these roles without issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't knock it till you've tried it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've said you plan to fake it till you make it. its not impossible that once you've been in the role for a few weeks you find the social requirements of the job are a lot less then you expect and actually you're able to manage you awkwardness perfectly fine. the above note however might stand you in good stead as your boss know to look out if for you if you do struggle at any point in the leadership role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20692" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T14:29:28.500" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18607" CreationDate="2018-09-24T14:30:08.557" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like he is hassling you because he really wants this group discount. You could also solve his problem by either suggesting someone else to invite, or advising to poll the other members if they know someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But really, you shouldn't have to do that. Respond very courtly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, 100% not coming, maybe next time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then do not reply to that question again. (Feel free to reply to unrelated things though)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3964" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T14:30:08.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18755" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18735" CreationDate="2018-09-24T14:50:56.677" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who gets tired around other people, I usually don't know in advance when I will want to leave because I'm tired. This has lead me to use the following technic over the years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;A warning beforehand&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I go to a party and I'm a bit tired even before getting there, I warn the host in advance (or at the beginning of the party) with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry but I will probably need to leave early (because I have other stuff to do/because I need to be well rested for tomorrow).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually take care of not giving a specific hour so that I can leave when I want. If it turns out that I wasn't that tired and decide to stay longer than I thought, it's not a problem. If my host is surprised to see me stay that long, I just say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm having too much fun, my chores will have to wait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, now your host is pleased because you decided to stay the &lt;em&gt;regular&lt;/em&gt; length of time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Time to leave&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I get tired of any the social gathering and I want to leave, no matter if I warn the other people that I might leave early, I use the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I watch my watch&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I wait a bit (so you won't seem rude)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I watch my watch again and say something like: &quot;I'm sorry but I will need to leave soon&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I wait again (again, in order to not be perceived as rude)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After some time, if the other people don't put a stop to the conversation, I:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;watch my watch a few time&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;start to fidget on my chair&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;finally say: &quot;It was nice spending time with you but I need to go now&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All those steps allow the other person to mentally prepare themselves for the fact that you will be leaving soon. This way, your departure won't seem abrupt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;edit in response to comment:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second part of these step is to make &lt;em&gt;the other person&lt;/em&gt; feels rude if they don't put an end to the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are afraid that this approach will make you seem rude, as I'm not in other people mind I can't know for sure, but no one ever told me I was being rude (but they might have think I was anxious/nervous and didn't want to be late for whatever was coming next).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-09-25T07:45:20.637" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T07:45:20.637" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18756" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-24T14:58:08.000" Score="86" ViewCount="43845" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I are both in our early 20's in the US. We have been together for almost 3 years and have been living together for a few months now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I've been with other girls before her, I am her first for everything. First kiss, first boyfriend, first everything. This has been a sore point for her and though I don't consider it a big deal, I know that it's something she dwells on. We've had many long conversations about it in which I try to emphasize that I'm not with those people anymore, I'm with her now because I love her now. However, while she may put it out of her mind for a time, I know it's something she always comes back to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Early in the relationship, maybe two years ago, we had a conversation about my past relationships where she wanted to know who I had been with and what we'd done. Knowing already about her insecurities with my past relationships, I withheld some of what I did. I told her about all the girls, but I specifically told her I only kissed a girl I in fact slept with (this would be a big deal as outside of my girlfriend I'd only slept with two other girls).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this was wrong and whatever pain I was trying to shield her from will only worse now when she finds out. It was honestly probably mostly selfish of me to withhold the information anyways. But it's something that's been eating at me all these years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We just had another conversation about my past the other day, and I was forced to continue the act. I really love this girl and I don't want to continue hiding things from her, even if they happened years and years ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I come clean about my past and tell her how much actually happened in a way that will minimize both her mistrust of me and her self-consciousness?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note: I'm completely open to a frame challenge that argues against telling her at all, but as I'm pretty set on telling her, it would have to be a very strong argument) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22026" LastEditorUserId="4177" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T18:52:35.380" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T02:38:48.337" Title="Disclosing my past relationships to my girlfriend" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="20" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18757" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18735" CreationDate="2018-09-24T15:26:51.060" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can set up an endtime starting the date. Depending how interesting the other person is, you can set the deadline according to your expectations. So, when that time is reached you can simply say that you need to go. The other person would not feel bad about because you stated the limitation of time earlier.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In case you are having fun with your date, you say you can extend the deadline and arrive later to your next appointment, in that way the other person would feel you're having fun.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;In case you're bored during your date, you can say you made a mistake about the endtime, and you are already late, you excuse yourself about the time and leave to your fictional next appointment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20341" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T15:26:51.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-24T15:43:35.043" Score="114" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been married for over 20 years and have discovered a couple of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's always going to find out&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's better if you tell her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You both have pasts that you have no control over&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of this depends on the strength of your relationship.  If it's still fragile, then you've got a whole different issue going on after 2 years.  But let's say things are going well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest picking a time when you both don't have a lot of other things going on.  So don't do this at a family gathering, holiday, or important event.  Take an evening when you both are calm and not in the middle of some other discussion.  Then, lay it out.  &quot;There's something I haven't told you.  My thought process was this...&quot; and explain WHY you chose to not tell her.  Take responsibility for your decision and apologize, and then lay out what you should have told her.  I've found that just telling her works better than getting into a long explanation: tell her what you have held back, give a short explanation why, and then apologize for messing up.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to tell her everything you held back at this discussion. If you tell her more later, she'll question whether there's other stuff you haven't told her.  That can be... damaging to your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T15:43:35.043" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18760" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-24T16:05:03.293" Score="96" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your only mistake was lying about things when asked the first time... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be an unpopular opinion, but you still have a right to privacy in a romantic relationship. Your past is your past, and you shouldn't be coerced into divulging intimate details that you aren't comfortable sharing. It's one thing to get to know someone, it's something else when they're grilling you for information that they'll hold against you later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like these questions are coming from a place of insecurity, which is a red flag on it's own. If she &quot;needs&quot; to know all the intimate details of your previous relationships for any other reason than simply getting to know you better, it's perhaps a sign that she's not really ready for an adult relationship. As you get older, it should probably be expected that your partner has dated other people before you. Thinking less of them, or constantly questioning how you measure up, is a strong indicator of immaturity and self esteem issues. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your initial response could have been something more along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't kiss and tell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The past is the past, I'd rather not discuss my failed relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Or, perhaps ideally, you could have unapologetically laid your past out on the table.&lt;/strong&gt; If she could accept your past relationships as just more background information about you, then great; if she couldn't it would have been better to move on early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But.... That ship has already sailed. So, if you really want to continue the relationship with this person you'll likely need to come clean. Not because she has a right to know any of it, but because you made the mistake of lying about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best bet will probably be to focus on apologizing for the lies. Your mistake wasn't the previous relationship, it was lying about it. Like any apology, admit what you did wrong, accept responsibility, and be prepared to accept the consequences. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try not to excuse yourself with things like &quot;I wasn't honest because...&quot; Or &quot;I was just trying to protect you&quot; Having a reason for your actions isn't the same as having an excuse. You had reasons, but they're not great reasons, and they're not going to make the lies feel better. And I suspect if we're being honest, you lied to protect yourself as much as you lied to protect her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, you screwed up. Now it's time to admit it, apologize, accept that she's going to be hurt and angry, and see whether this current relationship is going to be salvageable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find that she can't forgive you, returns to the subject to pick at old wounds, it may be better for the both of you to take it as a lesson learned and go your separate ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T16:05:03.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18761" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18751" CreationDate="2018-09-24T16:18:48.167" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to be extremely blunt with this answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My question and goal is how can I gently ask her about it without breaking the friendship we have now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might not be what you want to hear, but let me explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you are right in saying that she may be emotionally dependent on you. Judging from what you said about her family, it seems that she views you as a source of emotional comfort and support. This may be why, to you, you never thought that both of you were dating, but to her, it is the first time she has been showered with attention and she misconstrued that as romantic interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in my experience, breaking dependency often requires introspection, time and a change in environment, primarily by limiting contact with whatever you were dependent on - you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do think it is in her best interests to bring this up to her. Don't tell her that you think she is dependent on you straight out; phrase it such that you worry for her and that you think she may be relying on you too much emotionally. Most importantly, &lt;strong&gt;give her alternatives&lt;/strong&gt;. Look up therapists or support groups that she can join. Tell her that although you are her friend and are willing to support her, she should seek a healthy social life aside from you. In doing so, you not only address her problem, but you also provide her with a way to solve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, caring for her means being able to let go. If she chooses to cut contact with you, respect her decision to do so. Allow her to heal. &lt;strong&gt;Give her time.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21975" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T16:18:48.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18741" CreationDate="2018-09-24T16:40:45.927" Score="72" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like he's laying his kink cards on the table early. This may seem agressive, and perhaps foolish, but it boils down to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm into these kinds of things sexually, what are you into?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's coming across as aggressive, either because that's a part of his kink, or because he's looking for a purely sexual relationship, or because he's relatively inexperienced and doesn't know better. He's looking for someone who's into the things that he's into. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. Some tact would probably help him, but some people prefer the direct approach. (Different strokes for different folks.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Effectively he wants to know if you're a kinkster, and/or if you'd like to to explore that with him. If you have an interest in &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;BDSM&lt;/a&gt; and are interested in discussing it with him, go for it. If not, then don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a really very diverse bunch of folks who identify as &quot;kinky&quot; the vast majority are perfectly normal people, who just like particular things sexually. The overwhelming majority are not mentally ill, deranged, or dangerous in the slightest. In fact one could easily argue that &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consent#Affirmative_consent&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;affirmative consent&lt;/a&gt; was common in the kink community years, if not decades, before it reached mainstream culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(Of course there are weirdos in any group, just saying that like any group the weirdos are the exception and not the rule)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T16:40:45.927" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18765" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18714" CreationDate="2018-09-24T17:11:05.353" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, I didn't do anything in the bathroom (just glanced at my&#xA;  reflection).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you realize how childish you sound?  Someone has to turn off the light at the end of the night.  You really want her to get out of bed and do it because you didn't meet some self-determined standard of doing enough in there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Additionally, I try to generally leave things the way I found them- I&#xA;  don't turn off someone else's light, just like I don't throw their&#xA;  half-eaten meal in the garbage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you realize how childish you sound?  This doesn't sound scrupulous, it sounds lazy.  Are you 100% sure that she never ever cleans up after you, ever?  My guess is, she, at least sometimes, sees a mess of yours, and cleans it because it's the right thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adults realize that it's much easier to have a little bit of flexibility to be willing to do thing that aren't 100% your responsibility.  If you both behave this way, it's more efficient than both of you ignoring things that need to be done because it's not &quot;your&quot; problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T17:11:05.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18770" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18741" CreationDate="2018-09-24T19:20:04.807" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Irrespective of the culture, the age and the gender, I wouldn't continue to converse with the other party if I am &lt;a href=&quot;https://chat.stackexchange.com/transcript/message/46867396#46867396&quot;&gt;frightened with such questions&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to respond to someone who wants to know my dark side and wild&#xA;  things that I have done when I don't understand what he wants to know&#xA;  exactly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop the communication, after clearly telling the other party that you don't like to answer such questions. If he still continues to contact you via SMS (as you mentioned in a comment), contact the local police or consult a lawyer for further help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Moreover, when someone asks and tells such things what does it usually&#xA;  mean? What should be expected from such people and conversations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be anything. Wild guess is sex, money, or just for fun by ruining other people psychologically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22036" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T19:20:04.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18772" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-24T19:48:37.793" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;I disagree with the first answer and &quot;She'll always find out&quot;.. If she hasn't said anything for two years, why would she all of a sudden find out now. Bringing it back up now will only bring up trouble and shatter any trust you've built up, even if that trust was built on 1 minor oversight. The longer you wait, the easier it will be to forgive, imo. Plus, if you wait long enough she might even forget that you didn't tell her about the sleeping together thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't believe you should feel any guilt over sugar-coating your past. As long as anything you had in the past is completely over and could never happen again.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22040" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T19:48:37.793" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18773" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18780" CreationDate="2018-09-24T20:03:27.450" Score="12" ViewCount="1540" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work as the sole web developer in my department doing back end work. As I'm sure many of the developers here will attest to, a large portion of the time spent programming is spent on thinking how you're going to write the next class, function, etc.. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a co-worker who is not savvy in software development who takes notice when I am not touching my keyboard. He often walks by my office and sometimes comments on how I should ask for something to do from my superior if I'm not busy. I often tell him that I actually am busy, but as my monitor is turned away from my office door. He is always incredulous. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I can understand how it may seem that I'm watching videos or something by not actively typing for long periods of time, these comments are starting to get annoying. Frankly, I think he should mind his own work since I don't report to him in any way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I politely deter his comments?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="163" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T22:34:00.783" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T16:24:26.250" Title="Co-worker constantly thinks I'm slacking off" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18774" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18719" CreationDate="2018-09-24T20:17:00.790" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your problem is that while you suspect your manager of causing strife between you and your coworker, you have no proof of that, and if you raise that possibility with him and it turns out not to be the case (ie he has some other reason for changing his behaviour towards you) then you may inadvertently appear to be the person going behind someone else's back. For that reason, I would advise you to approach your coworker (I'll refer to him as Bob), but limit the discussion to his changed behaviour, and ask him what changed and how you can work with him to improve things. One possible example of how that might go:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi &lt;em&gt;Bob&lt;/em&gt; - can we chat for a minute? I was wondering if you could help&#xA;  me understand something. In yesterday's meeting you were quite&#xA;  dismissive of my suggestions, and we haven't been able to chat like we&#xA;  used to. This just doesn't seem like you, and it feels to me like &#xA;  something has changed in our friendship,&#xA;  and I really want to see if we can fix it. &#xA;  Can you help me understand the problem?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If Bob offers up that he is upset with you because of something X told him you reported about him, you now have the opportunity to clear that up and tell him that you would not say things behind his back, and ask him to speak to you if anyone gossips about you in the future. This clears things up without you saying anything to Bob that you don't know for sure is true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, Bob may have other reasons for his behaviour, and this approach gives him an opportunity to discuss those reasons with you and maybe provide a way forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately there is always the possiblity that Bob decides not to work with you, in which case you can try a few other approaches, but as long as you keep things professional on your end, you can rest in the knowledge that you have tried to maintain a good working / friendship relationship with Bob and have left the door open to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22037" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T20:17:00.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18775" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18773" CreationDate="2018-09-24T20:33:33.060" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have a co-worker who is not savvy in software development who takes notice when I am not touching my keyboard. He often walks by my office and sometimes comments on how I should ask for something to do from my superior if I'm not busy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being a software engineer, I get these type of ignorant comments from people who don't understand the nature of software development. There is a lot where you have to spend time thinking, researching and discussing how to approach a problem. You don't spend the entire time typing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some background on me. I volunteer my time teaching people basic technical literacy and programming. My approach is usually to educate first. My response to this type of person is &quot;Would you measure a Product Manager (or pick a popular business position)'s productivity by how many emails they write in a day or how much revenue their decisions bring in?&quot; &quot;Would you measure the productivity of a novelist by how many words they write in a day or how many best sellers they launch?&quot; The answer to both of these questions is &quot;No you wouldn't, because these are imperfect measures of productivity that speak only to volume and not quality.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Educate&quot; route has worked for me in some cases, but if it doesn't work rather than resorting to rudeness yourself, I would talk to your manager about this person's comment and how they are hurting your productivity. Show that you tried to resolve it yourself, but this person is not receptive. Then have your manager deal with it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastEditorUserId="17869" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T23:03:08.303" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T23:03:08.303" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18777" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-24T22:10:05.427" Score="42" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, please take a good look at what you have actually written.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wrote that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ol&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;You need to tell her because it is &quot;eating at you&quot;   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;When you tell her, she will likely react with &quot;self-consciousness and mistrust&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;She is already very bothered that you have more &quot;experience&quot; than she does.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;It was &quot;selfish of you to withhold the information&quot; in the first place.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you want to tell her in order &lt;em&gt;to make yourself feel better even if it makes your girlfriend feel worse?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds to me that if you do this, you are just being selfish again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't do anything so terribly wrong. You may have had selfish reasons but you were also protecting her feelings. You also avoided revealing secrets between you and your ex-es who also have their rights to privacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your whole reasoning is in fact so flawed, that I need to ask you: Are you sure that all this is not an elaborate self-deception aimed at achieving some other goal. Perhaps you are looking to hurt your girlfriend or feed her doubt? Perhaps you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; her to break up with you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really suggest you talk to a therapist or at least a very good friend before you go through with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22043" LastEditorUserId="22043" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T20:38:34.530" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T20:38:34.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18778" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18773" CreationDate="2018-09-24T22:39:48.947" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Everything is easy if you are not the one who has to do it. That seems to apply to your colleague very strongly. He doesn't understand what you are doing, so it must be easy. (Strange enough, I often think that things I don't understand must be hard). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time he comes, get out of your chair, ask him to sit down, and have a go at writing some code. It &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; give him some insight, when he realises that what you are doing is something he literally cannot do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But that's something you just do for your own entertainment and to cut him down to size a bit. As Jomack said in his answer, what this person does is absolutely rude and unacceptable in the workplace. So when he suggests you should ask your manager for something to do, you offer to take him straight to your manager and discuss the matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-09-24T22:47:21.777" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T22:47:21.777" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18780" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18773" CreationDate="2018-09-24T23:31:14.767" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like the advice of another answer that suggests educating the person, given your assumption that they simply don't understand what your job entails. However, I found the analogies suggested there could be perceived as condescending, particularly to someone who is a bit insecure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Surely, this person is being quite rude to you, and you would be justified to some extent in being rude back, but you specifically asked for a polite response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would simply explain to them what is obvious to anyone who has written software: explain that you are planning in your head the next steps you are going to take so you can write good code that doesn't need to be rewritten, has a structure that can be easily understood by someone else, executes optimally, or whatever other coding values you have that you are upholding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If education like that doesn't solve the problem or if they want to argue, I would address the specific issue more directly, putting into your own words something like: &quot;I am working even if it doesn't look to you like I am, and my supervisor is happy with my productivity. I would rather you not interrupt me anymore while I am busy.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastActivityDate="2018-09-24T23:31:14.767" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18781" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18735" CreationDate="2018-09-25T03:45:20.530" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be blunt, your first mistake is going on a first date (Or early enough that you need to ask this question) that doesn't have a predefined lifetime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a general rule if you are asking someone out and you are unsure of how it will go, you increase you chances greatly of them saying yes, if you bound it. An example of this is a coffee date before work, where you have a clear time and elsewhere to be no matter the outcome of the date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Failing this foresight, I would say it is best to be blunt. Either you have somewhere to be, in which case that is a perfectly good reason to end it, or you are not interested in spending time with this person. If the former is the case, it can be a hard deadline like a train (you mentioned) or it could be a early morning the next day. Either are fine and perfectly acceptable. If the later is the case then say so and end it right then and there. This will save you both a lot of trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally the best way, regardless of the conclusion of your date, to show your interest is a follow up text or call or whatever is appropriate to say as much and organise another date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T03:45:20.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18782" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18773" CreationDate="2018-09-25T03:53:16.843" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have to explain to your coworker that nature of your job is such that you have to spend a lot of time thinking before typing, but you have to be careful to not make your explanation sound like an excuse. Your explanation has to be short and to the point. Using relax, confident, paced voice tell him/her: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There is this proverb: &quot;measure twice, cut once&quot;. Meaning, measure, compute and double check everything before making changes that are hard to undo. Originally it was about things like woodworking, but in current days it also applies to my job as well. If I write code without giving it enough thought I may end up having to refactor it later and that can take from few a days to few weeks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If joke will continue, such as &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see you don't have much to do there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply answer &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I already explained to you that I need time to think before I write code.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even just&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm thinking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm thinking how to write my code. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The longer the joke continues the less attention you should give it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But in the beginning the most important key is: be short, concise, confident and to the point with your answers. Do not let your coworker trigger you or upset you. If you do that it will signal to the annoying co-worker that they achieved what they wanted. If you stay calm, relax and confident and if you won't make a big deal about it your coworker should slowly get tired of his/her joke. Remember, you don't own him/her any explanation whatsoever. Getting mad and/or going over the board may backfire, spoil relationships and cause even more annoying remarks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2371" LastEditorUserId="2371" LastEditDate="2018-09-25T04:22:30.620" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T04:22:30.620" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18783" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18712" CreationDate="2018-09-25T03:56:07.097" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they are responding to you properly and having genuine conversations with you then there is your answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to messaging, it is stupidly simple to ignore someone, be that bothering you or simple that you do not have time for. If this person is responding, you are not bothering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, there probably is something to be said for the fact that this person (Based on how you asked the question) doesn't seem to initiate conversation with you. This implies either they are simply bad at initiating conversation, or you are not that important to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of my educated guesses on the other parties thought process, if you enjoy doing it and they are talking back to you then keep doing it. Don't be pre-concerned that you are a bother. If you are, you will get much stronger signals than you currently have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T03:56:07.097" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11880" CreationDate="2018-09-25T04:58:03.217" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;End things with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how transparent you are with her, how much access she has to your phone and other means of communication, if she believes you to be unfaithful, it will eat away at her and she will always be thinking of how you could have done something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking it seems like a fairly unhealthy relationship and besides what happened in her past it is clear that she does not trust you, there is no coming back from that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One other answer suggested and ultimatum, the phrased it differently but that's what it was and it is most certainly also not a healthy solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another answer suggested giving up all hand and going as far as to get phone records, this again is not an ideal solution, because it will never end. Once you prove to her what you say is true, she will pick something else, and you will be forever proving to her that you are legitimate. Again unhealthy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also as another point to the &quot;proof&quot; idea, an irrational person (Inferred, but an acute description I think) when presented with evidence that invalidates their point of view is unlikely to respond favorably. Even a rational person is unlikely to respond well to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless of which way you look at the problem and your possible solutions, there is no winning outcome and your best course of action is to end things before the relationship start negatively impacting your life and or you get any closer (feelings wise) to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T04:58:03.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18786" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-25T05:49:53.760" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, life is better if you don't hold onto the easy to copy things.  If your knowledge is easy enough to convey in a few minutes of conversation, it's easy enough to appear on a do-it-yourself site when someone else figures it out.  Where will you be then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, the situation you are in reminds me greatly of a question from earlier this year about &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/10894/how-do-i-handle-strangers-who-want-to-borrow-a-cigarette-and-give-nothing-in-r&quot;&gt;people who &quot;borrow&quot; a cigarette&lt;/a&gt;.  It was a similar situation in that they had something of some small value that they didn't want to give out freely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The moral of the story from that question was to make the process of getting the cigarette from you worth the cost of giving up the cigarette.  I'd recommend a similar approach for you.  You have marks approaching you, seeking information.  Can you think of something you want to practice that you might be able to practice in the process of communicating this information?  Maybe there's something you want to learn, and you want to practice extracting that from the other person.  I have one friend who may enjoy testing the debate skills of anyone asking such questions.  Another recently read a book on hostage negotiations and may have some fun playing with those skills.  Myself?  If I can make you listen to philosophy till your ear falls off, I'm happy to hand out some trinkets of knowledge in return for getting to have that much fun!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have someone approaching you who wants something.  Enjoy it.  See what can come of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I'd avoided spelling it out, but you are specifically asking for a way to avoid giving information without being mean.  You can always seek to glean from them information about how to not be mean when not giving them the information.  You can always have a go-to approach that &quot;works on everyone,&quot; but rejections like this are often most gentle if they are custom tailored to that specific individual.  The conversation gives you time to figure out how to tailor it.  &quot;Works on everyone&quot; solutions always feel like &quot;works on everyone&quot; solutions, but a tailored response can be very gentle indeed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastEditorUserId="486" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T19:18:32.897" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T19:18:32.897" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18788" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-25T07:57:29.957" Score="1" ViewCount="2252" Body="&lt;p&gt;Emotional wounds cannot heal without an apology from the person who hurt you. If the person who hurt you does not ever acknowledge that, the emotional wound is left unresolved and it can really leave lasting aftereffects on your perception of the world and how you act towards other human beings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the person who  has wronged you feels absolutely no remorse for what they did to you, feels that they were 100% in the right, and will under no circumstances will ever take responsibility for their action, what should you do? I feel like trying to repress or forget about it is not a good way to deal with it. I feel like the conventional wisdom of &quot;don't be bitter; hanging onto hatred for a past wrong only poisons your emotional health; learn to forgive people, not for their sake but for yours&quot; is sort of a cop-out because the person who wronged you will feel completely free to do that sort of thing again in the future to other people because they will never face consequences for their actions. If someone were to steal from you, or sexually assault you, or cheat on you, or any possible thing that would hurt you physically or emotionally, there's nothing you can do to bring emotional resolution? Trying to get an apology out of them would only result in them either deflecting blame or giving an insincere apology to try to get out of trouble. Do you just have to accept that this person will never issue you an apology or acknowledge that they hurt you? You just have to eat the cost of a deep emotional/psychological scar?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Main question/goal&lt;/strong&gt;: What can you do to let go mentally and emotionally of someone's wrongdoing against you? So that it is not something that you are still bothered by, not something that you give too much thought to. With the main constraint being that they will never apologize.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22058" LastEditorUserId="22103" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T04:08:22.167" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T04:08:22.167" Title="When someone refuses to acknowledge they hurt you, what can you do to move past it?" Tags="&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-25T10:41:28.160" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18789" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11880" CreationDate="2018-09-25T08:09:54.563" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a game you cannot win.  Relationships differ from flings by having each other's back.  That doesn't work without trust.  Trust has to be both extended and earned.  If you are being microcontrolled, it isn't there.  It's like being a mail man where your superior keeps accompanying every tour of yours to make sure that actually deliver all the letters, sometimes openly, sometimes covertly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That would not be a useful employment since it does not actually save labor.  If she cannot be brought to trust you, whether through any fault of yours or hers, you don't have a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trusting you may be a larger leap for her than for others so you should be supportive of her.  Part of that may be not unnecessarily exposing her to stuff that worries her while at the same time not going to any length to hide stuff from her.  That's a thin line.  It also means answering questions without getting defensive, at the same time discouraging fishing expeditions getting nowhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's about setting &quot;soft&quot; boundaries: telling her when you think it isn't being helpful to go somewhere, yet doing so when she insists.  Until either of you gets tired of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is draining your enthusiasm for her, you need to convey that cost without taking away her choice of paying it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Jealousy can destroy a relationship.  Don't let her pay a higher toll for it than it actually takes, but don't hide the toll it does take from her.  That's your best bet at making stuff work.  Whether it's enough, only time will tell.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22060" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T08:09:54.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18792" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18788" CreationDate="2018-09-25T08:22:48.090" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is more of a psych answer than an IPS one, but for what it's worth:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I disagree with the premise. Yes, it hurts not to have an apology or acknowledgement and it goes a long way to have one. But your healing should not depend on how they act.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes it's more like a wound needing a doctor (or the body's own processes) than a reconciliation. In fact, if the person is the kind not to admit any wrongdoing, and you keep yourself too open and dependent on what they say or do to you, they're more likely to hurt you again. In that case it's important to find a way to recover without an apology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no need to despair about the permanence of damage because someone else refuses to cooperate with your healing. Yes, they may never face consequences. But at the end of the day, that's not your problem. Other loved ones who understand and support you, the doing of self-work, and gaining a neutral, non-judgemental but non-approving understanding of why the person might have done something, so that it makes sense in how you understand the world, are all likely to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, it might in fact be possible to make someone understand the wrong they did, if they're average people. The question is how they will respect you; how they will empathize with your pain; and how they will face their own blocks to admitting having done wrong. Not everyone is within a few easy steps of those three things, but it might help to identify which one or ones are missing. And what would be the use of an apology &quot;extracted&quot; without those ingredients? They're what make an apology sincere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, a person who respects you and sees your pain may not even need to understand why what they did is wrong, just that the consequences were real, and that can be enough legitimation when you're hurting. However, if that legitimation is not forthcoming you can still seek it in yourself or other loved ones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="475" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T08:22:48.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18741" CreationDate="2018-09-25T08:44:25.867" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He told me he likes &quot;Penthouse forums&quot; and reading about sadistic side of humans. One side dominating the other vulnerable one in sexual terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this person is a sexual sadomasochist. This is a fetish that involves sadistic (causing pain/humiliation) and masochistic (receiving pain/humiliation) fantasies. It is only done if both parties consent and both parties enjoy the idea. If the idea scares you or you are not into the same things, you are completely free to break off the relationship. There is never a reason for you to get yourself into something you do not feel comfortable with! It is a good idea to tell them you are not interested, and break off communication. If they are an honest person, they will leave you alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two kinds of sadomasochism. There is sexual sadomasochism, and there is non-sexual sadomasochism. The sexual kind is not uncommon and can even lead to healthy relationships. The non-sexual kind is a disorder where people afflicted have an urge to hurt people (or be hurt themselves), and do not necessarily feel remorse doing so. This kind is dangerous. Many abusive relationships involve this kind because the people affected cannot tell or do not care how another person feels. They will not be honest with you enough to tell you what they like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sexual sadism and dominance/submission fetishism involves a wide range of activities. It can be anything from sexual torture (whips, bondage) to &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotic_humiliation&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;humiliation&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Moreover, when someone asks and tells such things what does it usually mean? What should be expected from such people and conversations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It usually means that they are looking for someone with similar fantasies; someone to be the yin to their yang. It's likely that he wants to know if you have any &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kink_(sexuality)&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;kinks&lt;/a&gt; (unconventional sexual practices), or perhaps do not even know that you do. This is very possibly the reason they were so straight forward with you. They did not want to waste your time building up a relationship that would not be able to last. Paradoxically, his direct honesty is a good sign. People who do want to exploit or abuse someone will not tell you of that fact beforehand. Instead, they will pretend to be perfectly compatible with you and gain your trust. They will ask you what you like and will always happen to enjoy the same thing. They will seem to be &quot;perfect&quot;, without any flaws, yet will try to guilt you into wanting to be with them. Those kind of people, regardless of their kinks or lack thereof, are the true abusive characters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is true of all communities, including the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;BDSM community&lt;/a&gt;, that there are people who are violent and do not care for another person's welfare. Those people are not worth being with as they will only form toxic relationships. You should know the warning signs of a toxic relationship regardless of the kind of person you are with. From what you said in your question, this person is not displaying any warning signs:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They are being straight up with you about what they are into.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They are not threatening you or trying to guilt you into anything.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They are trying to learn from you to see if you enjoy the same things they do.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He replied he knows I am not too sexual since I usually talk about specifics and sexuality is not black &amp;amp; white etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;BDSM does not need to be sexual, although that is a large part of it for many people. Someone expressing that they are non-sexual or not particularly sexual may still be open to the topic. This does not mean you should pursue it if you are not interested, of course! If you are, go for it! If you aren't, he should respect your decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I need to stress that, while it is very likely that this person is not harmful, it is always possible to meet someone who will become genuinely abusive!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22055" LastEditorUserId="22055" LastEditDate="2018-09-25T09:13:02.880" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T09:13:02.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18794" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="11880" CreationDate="2018-09-25T08:47:09.060" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had one relationship that was very similar to what you are explaining and as a disclaimer I want to say that I was not able to save it and the jealous behavior was a big part of why it failed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned that big part of what was happening in my case was not so much about things I did or didn't do but were largely based on insecurities and bad past experience on her side. It might be something else in your case so the first thing that I would suggest is to have a sit down with your SO and get to the bottom of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing is about reassuring her and not accusing her that she feels the way she feels, but trying to understand why she has those feelings and trying to address the source rather than the result. You are already being open beyond what is generally expected so the reason must be somewhere else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an afterthought the biggest lesson I learned from my failed relationship was that you need more than just being in love with somebody to be happy with them and if you can't be happy with each other it doesn't really matter if you love them or not. Make of it what you will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T08:47:09.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18795" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18788" CreationDate="2018-09-25T10:02:03.847" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had at least one occasion where someone offended me terribly without realising they did anything wrong. They said some truly insensitive things to me when I was emotionally vulnerable and hurt me terribly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found helped most was gaining clarity over their mindset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I considered that they simply didn't comprehend that they had done anything wrong, it wasn't in that person's nature. They were oblivious to how upset they had made me when everyone around us recognised it. This was a common pattern of behaviour where they had managed to alienate almost everyone around them one by one and never connected their behaviour to their diminishing circle of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason this incident sticks in my mind is that the month of concealing how upset I was (I didn't really know how to express it or get an apology) took a really nasty toll on me and plunged me into Depression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The turning point was a discussion with a close friend over the subject, where I decided once and for all to disconnect from the person who offended me. &#xA;I stopped socialising with them, stopped going to the same clubs and events as them, firmly and quietly cut them out of my life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I dismantled my relationship with them and that was that. Overnight I felt like a huge weight was gone. The Depression lifted almost instantly and I was able to move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've run into them a couple times in the past few years, they still have no idea what happened and I'm not inclined to tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately this is a Frame Challenge answer though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you can't do what I did, or you feel it's an overreaction. Talk to them one on one, tell them exactly what they did wrong and how it made you feel. If they have any heart, they'll understand and apologise. If not..well, you don't need people like that in your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T10:02:03.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18796" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18741" CreationDate="2018-09-25T10:29:27.133" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience, (and generalising massively) those with a kink or two tend to fall into two broad categories... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those who understand what they want, and what others want and try to find some consensual way to play out their fantasies. This group tends to consist of the most open, considerate and emotionally mature people I've met.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other set seem to be those who like the idea but haven't really though through the implications / how to handle the situation appropriately.  This group can be well-meaning but potentially dangerous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that this is coming up in conversation early-on seems like a positive sign (far better than in the bedroom while holding up a pair of handcuffs), but I'd take the bluntness / lack of subtlety as a potential warning sign (either inexperienced or insecure).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fundamentally, you need to ask yourself what you want out of this. If it's something that interests you, you're curious, or just willing to try something new then this might be worth taking further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the idea doesn't appeal, now is a good time to say &quot;thanks, but no thanks&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interestingly, how that refusal is handled will likely give you some insight into the personality you're dealing with &quot;Ok, pity, would've been fun&quot; implies someone who respects your position. Something less understanding might again be a warning sign. If there's any anger / resentment, I'd suggest walking away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this person is serious about their kinks and knows how to play properly, you would be in safe hands. Unfortunately, that's not an easy assessment to make, especially over the internet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22032" LastEditorUserId="22032" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T12:29:16.230" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T12:29:16.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18798" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-25T10:48:45.200" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;A &quot;frame challenge&quot; to the idea that you must continue to respond to your girlfriend's request for more details of your past:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You did nothing wrong by not revealing every detail of your past&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's normal that people don't discuss detailed romance and sexual history.  The past is the past.  Dwelling on the past causes confusion and blurs the present.  The only exception is when that history is likely to impact the current romance, such as a vengeful ex.  You did nothing wrong by not doing a &quot;tell all&quot; about your past, and your girlfriend should not be making you feel guilty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You aren't going to help your girlfriend by telling her more details about the past.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This has been a sore point for her and though I don't consider it a big deal, I know that it's something she dwells on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after all you've told her, she's still &quot;dwelling&quot; on it, she has a problem with the very idea that you &lt;strong&gt;have&lt;/strong&gt; a past.  This problem affects your relationship, but it's not your problem to solve.  You can help her with it, but you can't solve it for her.  Whatever you tell her won't fix her insecurity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If she is insecure about women in your past, she will be insecure about women in the present&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Coming clean&quot; about the past may seem like a quick fix, but it's just opening the door to more trouble.  What will happen when you work with women?  Or go to a gym or join a running group that has women?  Perhaps she's only disturbed by comparisons with past girlfriends, but there is a strong possibility that she's going to be upset by friendly relationships with other women in the present.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are showing her by your actions now that she has nothing to worry about.  Continue to treat her with respect and love, but also establish reasonable boundaries, and close the door on the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T20:16:34.903" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T20:16:34.903" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18800" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-25T12:33:08.547" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're going to come clean, &lt;strong&gt;now is the time.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Broad recap:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The first time she inquired about it, you decided to withhold part of the information, I'd consider this a bad move, but not exactly uncommon, I'm a little surprised you felt that three sexual encounters was substantially &quot;worse&quot; than two. but there it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second (I assume) was only a few days ago and you upheld your original lie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anywhere up to a few days after that is narratively the perfect time to approach with a &quot;I'm sorry, I'm feeling guilty about this&quot; conversation. You've had time to reflect on the mistake and conclude that you need to take action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you leave it a week, it'll be further and further away and it'll be less fresh in her mind. Context is everything, so &lt;strong&gt;Do it now.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't make any excuses, admit that lying was stupid and that it's been eating at you ever since. Reinforce that you love her and apologise sincerely. If she takes it badly, take the consequences on the chin and wait patiently for her to cool off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's how to come clean. It's not likely to be as tidy as that, but being honest and open, apologising and accepting the consequences is the only way to break this sensitively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Will she be happier for knowing you lied and covered it up? Probably not, but the reveal and apology will demonstrate how you feel and she may well feel more secure that this relatively minor thing is the worst you have to hide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4628" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T12:33:08.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18751" CreationDate="2018-09-25T13:01:36.240" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general, I think &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/18761/22069&quot;&gt;fysh's answer&lt;/a&gt; is very good, I'd just like to add a few things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you are telling us about her, she is and has always been in a bad situation. You are something that helps her keep going. You give her attention and care about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One big thing, I want to point out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;&lt;em&gt;Friends with benefits&lt;/em&gt; includes being a &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;friend&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you should be honest with your friends. If you did not talk about what you wanted from the relationship in the first place, it is a major issue. Communication is key, not only in romantic relationships, but among friends, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is perfectly fine to have open relationships, hookups, friends with benefits or a hardcore BDSM Dom/sub relationship. But what each partner wants from the relationship and what they expect has to be communicated. Or emotional problems are just a matter of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should have a talk about everything with her. Including all the things fysh mentioned.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assure her that you are her friend first and foremost. It really sounds like she is dependent on you emotionally. Encourage her in everything that could help her loosen the&#xA;dependency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an example, in one of my relationships the girl I wanted to be with was really crushed, because her boyfriend left her. She has a very strong fear of being alone and was more than welcoming that I was there for her and after a short time she wanted to be with me, too.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I feared that I might just help her fight off the loneliness, but it was not specifically me she wanted, but just anyone and since we were very close I was the first to come up.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;So I prioritised being her friend and supporting her, even encouraging her to meet other people. I gave her whatever support she needed, but refused to be a rebound.&#xA;After a while, we actually became a couple, but not as quick as she wanted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Though the goal was basically opposite to yours, the same base idea applies. Encourage her to get rid off her dependency and when she has freed herself of that she will be better at doing the right thing for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22069" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T13:01:36.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18804" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18805" CreationDate="2018-09-25T14:22:47.567" Score="2" ViewCount="559" Body="&lt;p&gt;Nowadays software developers (at least in Europe) get a lot of job offers via LinkedIn. I'm always making sure I reply to recruiter in a timely fashion, thanking for getting in touch &amp;amp; explaining that I'm not looking for new opportunities. If I know someone who might be interested in the opportunity, I'm asking recruiter if it is OK to forward the details to other potential candidate(s). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, often those offers have nothing to do with the skills mentioned in the profile. I consider recruiters who do not check skills clearly mentioned in the profile and send an offer completely irrelevant to your skills as being unprofessional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the polite way of replying to someone that they are being unprofessional because of reasons I outlined above. The goal here is to bring their attention to the fact that they leave negative impression and that negative impression equally applies to company they represent. Furthermore, they are wasting time, as whoever receives the offer reads irrelevant text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Up until now I was ignoring such e-mails, but I'm thinking if I would &lt;strong&gt;politely&lt;/strong&gt; explain the situation maybe they'll pay more attention to it and won't do the same again in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what would be the polite way of communicating this ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22075" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T14:51:29.253" Title="How to politely reply to recruiter that (s)he being unprofessional" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18805" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18804" CreationDate="2018-09-25T14:43:20.480" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;The most polite way, which is also effective (e.g. worth &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; time), is to keep ignoring. Keep in mind that they don't care about rejections, they get paid for succesful applicants. You sending a message to them costs them time (to read) with little to no gain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recruiters often have a template where they just replace the name and copy/send it, unsolicited:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi PASTE_NAME_HERE. I have a challenging job for you, [other fairly general text here].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often, they implement a kind of &quot;personalised spam&quot;, they send it to a lot of people with a very broad filter so they have a higher chance of someone responding positively. It's not very personal, thus it doesnt require a personal reponse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to be helpful, it helps to write on your profile that you're not interested for new job oppertunities. This'll cut down the amount of messages.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-09-25T14:51:29.253" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T14:51:29.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18808" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-25T15:39:00.387" Score="18" ViewCount="1218" Body="&lt;p&gt;My religious maternal grandmother passed away recently and my mother is involved in planning the services which will be held at a chapel and presided over by the religious minister. My mother just informed me that they are planning a musical number for the great grandchildren to sing and that it will likely be &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.lds.org/music/library/childrens-songbook/families-can-be-together-forever?lang=eng&amp;amp;_r=1&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Families Can Be Together Forever&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The song is about how families that share gospel belief and ceremonies can live together after death.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife, our young children, and I left the church several years ago. Losing my bedrock of faith, confronting my mortality, and losing the possibility of an afterlife with my own family was challenging and heart wrenching. Hearing  &quot;Families Can Be Together Forever&quot; now causes me significant stress. I cannot bear the discord of my children singing to a crowd a song extolling an afterlife that this religion teaches they can never have a part in because of their family's lack of belief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first thought was to politely decline, but I am concerned about my children being excluded from a significant ceremony while their cousins are singing at the podium.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be simple to just politely decline, but I'm considering a response of the form:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I would love my children to participate if they could sing a non-denominational song. Maybe Somewhere Over The Rainbow, or Amazing Grace?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems like it would increase the possibility of my children participating in a meaningful manner. On the other hand, this is a religious ceremony planned by a religious family, and the black sheep of the family suggesting secular music for the services in this emotional time could be seen as disruptive and self-serving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I suggest an alternative music selection for this number?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11211" LastEditorUserId="11211" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T13:32:46.377" LastActivityDate="2018-09-29T13:13:38.140" Title="How to suggest alternative music for my children to sing at my grandmother's religious funeral?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18773" CreationDate="2018-09-25T15:59:25.590" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As your colleague does this when they are walking by, you have an obvious reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see you are not so busy yourself, as you are walking around again (and breaking your colleagues' concentration).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That should allow your colleague to get some perspective if needed (I am not convinced they are not just joking around and trying to be social) and otherwise is the proper response to continue the banter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9386" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T15:59:25.590" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18810" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18735" CreationDate="2018-09-25T16:23:21.333" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh wow, it's already &amp;lt;the time&amp;gt;! I've been having such a good time that I completely lost track of time. I really need to be in bed by &amp;lt;bed time&amp;gt;, so I have to leave in &amp;lt;time until leaving&amp;gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then at &amp;lt;leave time&amp;gt; (optionally):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So when can I see you again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has the advantage that you can use it for most times when on an evening outing. To reduce the abruptness you announce in advance that you are going to leave and you can adjust the amount to your preference. To further remove any awkwardness you can bring up a possible next date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9386" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T16:23:21.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18811" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18773" CreationDate="2018-09-25T16:24:26.250" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is your coworker your manager or could in any way influence your career?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No? &lt;strong&gt;IT'S ALL GOOD!&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to justify anything to your coworker and I, honestly, would be mildly insulted by said collegue. You are busy, you say you are busy, and then you go back to your business. I think sometimes it's not worth to justify ourselves to other people... you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Programming is 80% thinking and 20% typing :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And that's it. You could explain what does it mean to program but that'd be a long explaination and you should probably leave that to a night out or lunch break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14159" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T16:24:26.250" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18812" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-25T16:40:07.090" Score="74" ViewCount="25085" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've made a friend, Bob, in my workplace who is &lt;em&gt;too much of a gentleman&lt;/em&gt; for my comfort level.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially, we became fast friends due to our shared interests and political beliefs.  We often message outside of work and get lunch together every few weeks.  We don't work in the same department, so these lunches are usually the only times we see each other. The problem is that Bob's acts of kindness are making me more uncomfortable as time goes on. I haven't told him this yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time we go to lunch, Bob &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; rushes over to my side of the car to open my door for me.  I've told him he didn't have to do this, but he insists that it's &quot;the way his mother raised him&quot; and does it anyway.  He also always pays for my meal, even when lunch is expensive.  I've went as far as asking the waitress for two checks, but Bob will catch her a moment later and ask her to go ahead and put everything on one check.  I've explained that I don't want him to feel the need to pay for my meal, but he continues to do so anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I'm totally fine with the actions themselves, the combination and insistence of these two habits make me uncomfortable because I &lt;strong&gt;do not&lt;/strong&gt; want Bob to be doing this as a romantic gesture.  I also don't want to alienate Bob, because I rather enjoy his friendship. As is, though... I'm starting to find myself wanting to avoid Bob so that I don't have to worry about his intentions &lt;em&gt;every time&lt;/em&gt; I eat lunch with him. I don't know if he does these things for other women.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to get Bob to stop doing these things for me without making myself look presumptuous, unappreciative, or making Bob feel bad on the off chance he isn't trying to &quot;woo&quot; me with these niceties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What can I say/do to kindly show Bob that I prefer to do these things for myself?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; I have a partner - and I haven't told Bob directly, although he may know through my posts on social media - but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We're both white Americans from the Midwest United States.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-10-02T14:05:28.387" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T12:47:42.800" Title="Asking a coworker to discontinue his chivalrous acts towards me?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18815" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18808" CreationDate="2018-09-25T17:23:56.827" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;What about ducking the issue altogether?  Singing while on the edge of tears is a very uncomfortable thing.  It might be prudent (regardless of topic) that the family plan on just sitting at the service and grieving.  That could be the response: &quot;Sorry, they won't be up to singing in public on that day.  I'd rather they be able to focus on the service and their emotions, and not take on additional public performance stress.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2548" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T17:23:56.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-25T17:28:21.517" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might want to consider it as a matter of pragmatism instead of morals or ethics with this in mind:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling her only helps you by reducing your guilty conscience  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's not at-risk for any STIs or surprise-babies showing up in your life  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She already has shown how insecure this subject makes her  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what does telling her do &lt;em&gt;for her&lt;/em&gt;? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not a whole lot of good. And what do you get out of it? The &quot;relief&quot; of coming clean? Seems kind of selfish for very little benefit to either of you or the relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're going to have all kinds of trials in any relationship, and trust is one of the hardest things to build after being broken. You lied back then and know it was wrong. You feel bad now. Use that feeling as motivation to use honesty as your policy from now on. Remorse rarely has any practical application, but in this case it might be just what you need to stay honest, ironically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11312" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T17:28:21.517" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18817" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-25T17:40:24.343" Score="-2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way to spare Bob's feelings if he were romantically interested in you is to indicate that you are already in a committed relationship. This isn't a crutch so to speak, but pretty clear way to indicate &quot;If you're doing this in a romantic way, it's not going to get you anywhere.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I would recommend a frank conversation with Bob and about how his chivalry makes you uncomfortable. For instance, you feel like the gestures are more appropriate for your significant other or that you feel you fully capable for opening your own doors and paying for your own meals. A true gentleman/person does acts of chivalry not because the other person is incapable of the action, but that they feel as though they shouldn't have to.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a friend confront me with the same question making sure my gestures weren't coming from a romantic angle. It didn't ruin our friendship or anything (I wasn't coming from a romantic angle), and I appreciated the frankness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T17:40:24.343" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18818" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-25T19:39:40.097" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you have mentioned in comments that you have not told Bob that this makes you uncomfortable (and why), I suggest you do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend &lt;strong&gt;explicitly&lt;/strong&gt; telling him to stop the behaviors that are bothering you, and would note that &quot;You don't have to do this&quot; is not, strictly or even generally speaking, telling him to not doing something. It is telling him that he is not under an obligation to do something. For example, if I get into the office earlier than my coworkers, I would set up the coffee maker and start of coffee for the office, so that it would be ready when my coworkers arrived; this is not something I had to do, as it wasn't in my job descriptions, was not asked of me by my superiors, and I don't drink coffee. Multiple times, my coworkers have told me &quot;I didn't have to do this&quot;; no one ever told me to &lt;em&gt;stop&lt;/em&gt;, until the office got a Keurig machine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also would recommend specifically naming the behaviors the , rather than asking him generally, e.g. to &quot;stop the chivalrous behavior&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;While I agree with OldPadawan's comment, that being told that his actions make you uncomfortable should be sufficient to make him stop. However, since you are friends, and if he stopped these behaviors the two of you would presumably continue to meet for lunch, and you don't find the behaviors inherently offensive,I would recommend telling him your reason for disliking the behavior, namely that you think it is being done a romantic gesture and you wish to keep your relationship platonic. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Seeing as you asked for what to say, I would recommend saying something like this (removing anything that isn't true): &quot;Bob, I enjoy being friends with you and eating lunch together, but your habit of constantly opening doors and paying for my food (and any other behaviors) are are making me uncomfortable. Please stop with these romantic gestures, or we'll have to stop having lunch together and I quite enjoy your company&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is quite possible for Bob to deny any romantic feelings; in that case, I suggest you accept his denial, but state that it still makes you uncomfortable and re-iterate your request that the behavior stops reguardless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't worry about alienating Bob; either he is a good friend, and is willing to drop the behavior for the sake of your comfort, or he is not someone you want to be around, and you are exiting a bad situation early. I agree with jcmack's answer that frankness is generally appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Personally, the check behavior is more egregious because a) it involves money and b) he is countermanding your actions and intentions. Therefore, I would focus on this behavior more. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Finally, as a man who also had this sort behavior pounded into him by his mother, and for whom it also caused problems, I would request that if you ever have sons, that you &quot;pay it forward&quot; and not impress this behavior upon them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12841" LastEditorUserId="12841" LastEditDate="2018-09-25T21:43:56.377" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T21:43:56.377" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18820" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18741" CreationDate="2018-09-25T20:14:02.200" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like remind, that on internet nobody knows if you are really a panda.&#xA;That means, even if the person told you something, it may, or may not be true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And the reasons after this questions may be different - from seeking someone similar, or just curiosity, to even be harmful to you - if you reveal and of what you think as &quot;dark&quot; or &quot;embarrassing&quot; (or your friends/mom could think so), the person can it use against you, usually to say or reveal more and then take control over you (blackmailing to send such information to your relatives openly on internet or anything else, if you do not as they command you) - which is bad, as you do not know, who the person really is (trust me, it is not hard to play online person of different gender, age, personality, ... so well, that everyone would fell for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is really easy, even using fake account to make your personal friend (in real life) to trust, that he/she communicate with somebody totally different). So any &quot;secret&quot; that was told you may not be true at all, it is, that you will be trading your real secrets (that can hurt you) for something, witch just look like &quot;secrets&quot; but are totally fictitious and just made so you would trade for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would just respond &quot;I have no dark dark side or weird thoughts, which I would like to speak with you about&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(and no, that does not imply, that you even have any such things)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person insist, that you should reveal them, I would close communication totally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But it may be also, that the other person is just curious and mean no harm, if the response would be like &quot;OK, so sad, I hoped to know you better, but lets talk about something else&quot; than it may be ok. I maybe would chat more with such person, just be more careful, to not say anything possibly compromising me, or even anything making me more easier to find personally/online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(As you mentioned, people around you may you make big problems, if somebody would spread wild thinks about you (supposing you are female from India and not Panda after all)) :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20776" LastEditorUserId="120" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T04:08:40.573" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T04:08:40.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18691" CreationDate="2018-09-25T20:20:59.127" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think I finally came up with how I'm going to end this friendship. Unfortunately I just feel that this friendship has to end because I don't see him following any boundaries that I set forth, as I have attempted this in the past and he has just laughed at me when I tried to. So with that said, I'm going to say something like this:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Hey man, look you know I've gone though a lot here lately and I just feel that in order to move on, I feel that we need to go our separate ways. I just feel that in order to better myself, I need to have positive people in my life. I hope you understand.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;UPDATE: He has since ridiculed me to our old friends for a news article he found online about me coming in last place in a trail run. He no longer calls me, but we are also no longer friends. From best friend to not even being friends, oh well I guess that is how the ball bounces.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21918" LastEditorUserId="21918" LastEditDate="2018-10-19T17:05:48.840" LastActivityDate="2018-10-19T17:05:48.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18822" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-25T20:29:59.897" Score="106" Body="&lt;p&gt;The potential romantic angle is a red herring. Whether or not Bob is interested in you and intends these gestures to be his &quot;moves&quot; on you, you don't want the gestures at all because they &lt;em&gt;suggest&lt;/em&gt; that he &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; harbor those intentions. Him denying romantic interest probably wouldn't resolve this (would you believe him and then become totally fine with the gestures? Or would you always wonder, at least a little, and continue to have the same problem?). I know plenty of women who, even when on explicit, romantic dates, vastly prefer to do things themselves (particularly paying for meals). So from my perspective any mention of Bob's (possible) romantic intentions are already off-topic and cannot be of much use to you in achieving your goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to actually stopping these behaviors, you should be &lt;strong&gt;clear&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;direct&lt;/strong&gt;, and &lt;strong&gt;ready to back up your preference&lt;/strong&gt;. You strike me (from this question and elsewhere on SE) as someone who prefers more indirect communication, which can be easy to misinterpret. Consider&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've explained that I don't want him to feel the need to pay for my meal, but he continues to do so anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If his impression is that he shouldn't &lt;em&gt;feel he needs to&lt;/em&gt; pay for your meals, that suggests that he still can if he wants to. Since he's trying to be a gentleman he may well still prefer to do so. In his mind he may be even more of a gentleman for it because he's doing it by choice rather than obligation. Conversely, if you expressed to him that you &lt;em&gt;do not want him to&lt;/em&gt; pay for your meals, there can be no question that he's going against your wishes by paying. &lt;strong&gt;DO NOT&lt;/strong&gt; expect him to just &quot;get the message&quot; somehow, especially as there seems to be some chance that these really are his default behaviors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I say &lt;strong&gt;back up your preference&lt;/strong&gt; I mean declining to spend time with Bob if he maintains these behaviors despite your clear and direct request that he not do so. If you like, you can explain that you feel uncomfortable when spending time with him due to these gestures. That makes it clear that his choices are to stop spending time with you or to stop the rote behaviors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you really need to say is something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob, I appreciate your being so attentive to me. But it really makes me uncomfortable when you do things like this, and I don't want to be treated this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T20:29:59.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18824" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-25T20:41:26.057" Score="25" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you’re probably right about not relying on the existing relationship, as that’s not in-and-of-itself the reason you are uncomfortable with this behavior. It would be inaccurate, and can cause anguish later if, as a worst-case scenario, your relationship status were to change. And frankly, it’s not his business &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you are uncomfortable with his behavior; you just are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(For what it’s worth, totally with you there: it may well have been how he was raised, but frankly I’m not buying it—holding the door for someone is one thing, but running around a car to get the door is something else, and paying for lunch is another level beyond that. Personally, those are things I do as romantic gestures for my wife. It has been quite a while since those were considered the expected behavior of a gentleman with every woman. Certainly a rather patriarchal form of chivalry, even assuming that isn’t an inherently redundant statement.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, there is a technique in many kinds of communication wherein you intentionally refuse to offer explanation. Offering explanation invites discussion or debate, possibly counter-points or what have you. Talk about exactly what you certainly don’t want! So I also think you are simply &lt;em&gt;better off&lt;/em&gt; avoiding an explanation, whether that be your existing relationship or any other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I think you are best off just putting your foot down, so to speak. No explanation, no excuses (for you or for him), just a plain statement. No need to make a big deal about it, you certainly don’t want or need to guilt him for anything he may or may not have meant by it, but it should be clear. I would start with the paying-for-lunch thing in particular: it may not be very much for him to open the door for you, but paying for you is explicitly costing him money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please, really, I am not comfortable accepting your money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he insists or pushes, I suggest saying exactly what you have here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;No, really, this is uncomfortable and it makes me not want to get lunch with you, knowing you’re going to make me uncomfortable. I won’t keep doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2667" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T20:41:26.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18827" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-25T21:05:21.247" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're looking for a gentle, yet direct approach that will level the field without making him feel snubbed or put off... So, why not word it that way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It'll probably help to set the stage before you're already on your way to lunch:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, I appreciate your old fashioned gentlemanly way, but it feels kind of unequal by today's standards, it's 2018 after all. This time I'd like to drive and pay, and in the future I'd prefer to pay separately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Placing things in an equality, or feminist, frame may get him to relax on the &quot;chivalry&quot; and it may neatly avoid an uncomfortable conversation about your relationship status.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Although it doesn't really address the suspected underlying problem.&lt;/strong&gt; If he's really being &quot;chivalrous&quot; in order to court you, which isn't really chivalrous, you'll probably need to be more direct. You can be direct, while also keeping the tone light with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, I appreciate your old fashioned gentlemanly way, but it feels kind of unequal by today's standards, it is 2018 after all. This time I'd like to drive and pay, and in the future I'd prefer to pay separately. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I can pay my own way, it's not like this is a date.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using a light, almost joking, tone allows him to save face and hopefully he'll take the opportunity &lt;em&gt;&quot;Of course this isn't a date, we both knew that, haha...&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T10:35:03.133" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T10:35:03.133" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18829" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-25T21:35:54.793" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you need to distinguish some of his actions, and temper your reactions to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Opening the door for someone is just a polite gesture, not related to any kind of romantic interests. As he said, it's just how he was raised, and I think you should let this go. It can be a hard habit to break, so just view it as one of his ideosyncracies. If you want to keep him from doing it, you just need to be faster at getting out of the car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, paying for a meal is generally considered part of dating. Platonic friends rarely pay for each others' meals, unless it's regularly reciprocated -- one pays one day, the other pays the next time, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to explain to him that you consider yourself a modern, independent woman. When he pays for you, it diminishes your self-esteem. While you understand that he doesn't mean anything demeaning by it, that's still how it feels to you. Maybe you can try to get the server to give &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; the check, so that you can pay sometimes. When they're coming to the table, grab the check and say something like &quot;It's my turn this time.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps the next time you're arranging to go to lunch, you can say &quot;I'll only go if you let me pick up the check&quot;. Once the water has been broken, maybe you can get into the reciprocating rhythm I described above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of this works, I think you may have to put your foot down and cut off the relationship with him. I know you say you generally enjoy these occasional get-togethers, but if he does something that really annoys you, this may be the only way for him to get the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2574" LastActivityDate="2018-09-25T21:35:54.793" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18831" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-25T22:22:30.737" Score="1" ViewCount="469" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm extremely conflict avoidant. I am a peace-keeper in group situations because I hate watching people fight. When it involves me directly, I will do almost anything to push it off or avoid it. This inevitably does nothing but cause me to agonize for more time over the problem before addressing it, at which point it is often worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate haggling and negotiating. I'll take the raw end of a deal to avoid the conflict involved in getting a better one. I'm not a competitive person and people who are very competitive often don't get along with me because I don't play along with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often catastrophize that the person is going to completely blow up on me and scream but that has never happened to me even once. Still, I drive myself insane waiting for the inevitable second where the conflict has to start. If I'm thrown into conflict unexpectedly I often handle it well, it's just when I know it's coming that I break down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only source for this I can think of is that my dad had a short temper when we were younger and would lose it over really small inconveniences. It was rarely directed at us and never physical (sorry waitstaff, cashiers, dad's employees) but as a child it made me feel sad/awkward to see and I'm sure that's had some lasting effect. He started taking medication when I was a teenager and it quickly stopped. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example: I quit my job recently in favor of a new one. I was going to talk to my boss Thursday but didn't because I was afraid. Then Friday he was out and I wanted to do it in person (i.e. making up reasons to push it off). Over the weekend I was so stressed I mostly lost my appetite, I was constantly catching myself clenching my jaw, and now I've even developed a cold (possibly unrelated to it but I've heard stress can weaken your immune system). My boss has only ever been perfectly nice to me and during he was understanding and congratulated me on my new job. Walking into his office I thought I was going to pass out and my voice (I'm a mid 20s male) went up an octave and was at half volume for the entire conversation. It was completely involuntary, I was trying to lower/louden my voice so I seemed more serious/confident and I &lt;em&gt;could not.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have self esteem issues, I'm not depressed, and I'm a generally happy and fulfilled person. I just can't stand conflict. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not like this trait about myself but I don't know how to fix it. I am not looking to actively incite conflict but I want to learn to handle it without tensing up so much I'm sore for days after. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8630" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T18:20:32.230" Title="How can I practice dealing with conflict?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18833" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-25T23:43:22.317" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;From a psychopathic and removed perspective, all relationships (Romantic or otherwise) are about value. The only reason you spend time with him is because you get some value from the relationship. I would say that in his case he feels as though without doing those things he feels less valuable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless the intent of the actions however, you do need to be careful if you wish to maintain the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be blunt and straight forward that the actions make you feel uncomfortable. DO NOT relate them to romantic or really even mention his intent. Because an assumption about the intent, if wrong, will drive a wedge between you two, and if right, will drive a larger wedge between you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Essentially his intent should not be of your concern, nor should it affect your decision making. You choices, how you feel about the situation and ultimately what you say to him should be based of your personal feeling about his actual actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to tell him that his ACTIONS make you feel uncomfortable. (No need to qualify with a reason, and definitely do not go down the gender equality route suggested in another answer). If he asks you why they make you feel uncomfortable, your best route is to target the paying for food. Say you dislike always depending on him, and suggest a solution (Maybe take turns paying).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you say, give a solution, and make it clear that you value his company, not him paying for things for you. He needs to understand that you genuinely like spending time with him, but are currently uncomfortable because of his over the top actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastEditorUserId="22050" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T00:31:47.107" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T00:31:47.107" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18831" CreationDate="2018-09-25T23:58:38.850" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am no doctor, but it sounds like you have pretty serious anxiety, possibly stemming from your home life. Regardless, the best advice I can give you is to go and see someone, a professional. Even if it is just once.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short of that I would suggest 2 things that helped me as I have gone through a similar thing, not as extreme as you describe but close.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Always ask myself what is the worst that can happen. Really think, it is often not bad at all, like in the boss example. Now this on its own is not going to make you feel any better about doing it, but it is going to logically make sense in your head that there is no really bad outcome, you will be safe, so to speak. Then just do it. Again this is an easy thing to write, and read, a much more difficult one to actually do. You will feel so nervous and anxious, your hands will get sweaty, you'll get that weird feeling when you are on something high and you look down and electricity goes through your body, but you just need to do it. (These may vary, but it is what happened to me)&#xA;Doing it once, won't solve your problem, and that feeling never seems to go, but every time you push through you get a little bit better at it and its a little easier the next time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The friends with conflicts part. This to me is fairly simple. If you are not comfortable around them, then they are probably not your best choice of friend and you should probably try to find others, they are out there and you will feel better. Personally here is where I differ significantly, as I love conflicts between other, being the voice of reason and calm. But in a similar fashion hate when that is directed to me. &#xA;Your two options are to get used to it or find new friends. That's blunt but it really is that simple.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general and in answer to your primary question I would recommend you see a professional and talk about these things, maybe they get to some root, or maybe they prescribe something, but as I said it sounds like pretty severe anxiety, and you should really talk to someone with proper knowledge on your history.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastEditorUserId="22021" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T08:08:04.790" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T08:08:04.790" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-26T00:53:00.847" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If neither of you have an interest in building a personal (as opposed to business) relationship, &lt;strong&gt;you can charge them for this information and your time explaining it&lt;/strong&gt; -- effectively, provide a professional consulation service on the subject. (In personal relationships, the reward, instead of money, is presumed to be a comparable service in return sometime in the future.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After all, you're saving them a lot of time and effort they would spend digging it up themselves -- which equals lots of saved money for them. So it's only natural to request a small share of that saving (large enough to satisfy you yet small enough for it to be still worth it for them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Since this information has nothing to do with your, or your colleagues', jobs&lt;/strong&gt; (as far as I can see), &lt;strong&gt;sharing it with them does not fall under work collaboration&lt;/strong&gt; (as some other answers' authors seem to be thinking). Which, among other things, suggests that you should not be making consultation sessions during your paid work hours (unless the damage for your employer would be negligible but since you're making such a big deal out of it, it seems that it would be not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7821" LastEditorUserId="7821" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T00:58:34.747" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T00:58:34.747" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8654" CreationDate="2018-09-26T04:24:44.677" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Today I followed a friend's advice and simply asked her if she wanted to have coffee, to which she replied, &quot;I'm too lazy to leave home&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Am a female. I would like a direct approach from the guy, as follows:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Greetings,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;    The reason I asked for a coffee with you is that I like you as a person and I feel we share common interests. I am interested in knowing more about you in person.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I understand that it is difficult to trust someone you meet online, so if you are not currently interested/comfortable etc. with me - just say so. I am willing to wait.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="120" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T04:24:44.677" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18843" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-26T09:36:04.227" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of good answers here, but i wanted to answer from the other side of the fence. I know my situation is not exactly the same as the OPs but i thought it might offer a small amount of useful insight into how Bob feels in this situation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was raised in a similar way to Bob, that the gentlemanly thing to do is to drive and pay for dinner/drinks when out with a woman. now this extends to both my girlfriend and to other woman on the very rare occasions i go out with a colleague or an old friend without my GF. now this is an ingrained behavior; i appreciate it is not in keeping with Feminism or equality standard of today, however it is still something that i feel strongly about, as i said its how is was raised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other Women&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For a moment we'll ignore my GF and come back to her later. i'll start with a couple of female friends, I know that they are independent women and like to make their own way, but when they pay i feel i'm letting them down. I KNOW this is not the case but it is still the way i feel. and that uneasy feeling those few women may have which as similar to those feelings of the OP are probably about equal to the uneasy feelings I have when they pay. there is no romantic intentions between myself and these other women but the gentlemanly feelings are still there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time my friends know its just how i am, and agree to let me pay for the meal, however if we go out of an evening to the pub, they will always push past nad pay for drinks before i get a chance to get to the bar, this frustrates me but they've informed me that if i'm not going to let them pay for lunch then they're buying rounds!!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This simple friendly almost jovial but firm stance left me with two choices:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ignore them and demand to pay, which in itself went against my gentlemanly mindset as ignoring them or going against their firm wishes is outright rude&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;suck it up and let it happen&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this makes me sound bad, but after some time and many occasions like this when the women suggested grabbing lunch, we went and when it came to paying they would say &quot;No, i'm paying my half&quot; i would allow them to do so. they always did this politely and without anger in their voices but were firm about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is i'm still uneasy each and every time it happens, if Bob was raised in a similar many to myself then he will never be happy with the situation so ingrained is this mentality, but he may be willing to accept it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Missus!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes i know this is not the same situation as its between partners in a Romantic relationship but... the methods she has taken to break my habits in this regard may be of use. my GF is a fiercely independent woman, but due to an eyesight problem is unable to drive, so we'll ignore driving from this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Myself and my GF often go out for lunch or dinner, (rarely anything posh its usually just pub grub) when we first started dating this actually caused some friction between us as she wanted to pay for dinner or at least half of it and i wanted to pay in full. so she began a campaign to break my gentlemanly habits, it began with: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If i left the table to use the facilities or go for a cigarette (Yes i'm a smoker, yes i know its unhealthy) she would get the bill while i was away from the table.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She would suggest going out for dinner but only under the condition&#xA;that she be allowed to pay&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She would book activities which could be paid for in advance and then any difference at the end i was &quot;allowed&quot; to cover&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These days if my GF says she's paying then i no longer argue, i don't try to pay behind her back, I accept its her choice despite how uneasy it makes me feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she leaves it open however then i'm going to pay!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Opening Car Doors&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the exception to the rule. opening or holding open a door for someone is something i will always do if able to do so, and quite frankly i will not stop it, its only meant as a polite gesture. i will admit i don't go running around to the other side of the car as quickly as i can though. if they get the door open before i can, then i can't exactly stop it can i? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit as per a comment:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not suggesting you or anyone should feel sympathy for Bob, although i understand how this answer might read that way. Just that the automatic assumption that Bob is definitely acting this way because has romantic intentions is incorrect. its possible of course but it could be something else and may explain they way he acts which are not always obvious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was further detailing my feelings to explain why my missus and others had to use the methods they did in order to &quot;break my habits&quot; I knew i didn't need to do those things but &quot;i was just being nice so why was anyone getting annoyed&quot; was very much MY mindset until proved otherwise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Final Thought&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate this final section will likely attract downvotes but: For the OPs sake i hope they can convince bob to calm his conduct without causing offence or embarrassment to either party, but if Bob is truly just being a gentlemen without other motives as the OP suggested is possible, then i hope they can find a middle ground where neither feels uneasy as to the way their lunches etc go&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20692" LastEditorUserId="20692" LastEditDate="2018-10-01T12:10:23.490" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T12:10:23.490" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18844" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18846" CreationDate="2018-09-26T09:36:08.333" Score="2" ViewCount="297" Body="&lt;p&gt;I started almost at the perfect job. Still one thing is bothering me to the point where I think about changing the job or working freelance. I am working for one department and have fairly good relationship with my boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the second interview took place, also the director of the facility was there and he asked me then if I also would program for him if needed. But this was clearly was not part of the job description. I said yes, just to get the job, but clearly knew and know that I don't want this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did not yet happen that he asked after 3 month, and hopefully it never happens, because I would not be comfortable with it and for the organisation at whole it wouldn't be beneficial if the work of the department where I am at gets interrupted (I know that the director is fully not aware of what every department does, so he probably wont see this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me personally, this agreement feels wrong, it bothers me, and I would like to withdraw it. But it may seem rude, or maybe the director then even doesn't want to have there anymore.&#xA;Any idea how to handle this kind of situations?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22111" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T10:11:35.947" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T11:53:43.290" Title="How to deal with agreements which are made in a dependency situation?" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;jobs&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-26T15:43:03.423" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18845" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18844" CreationDate="2018-09-26T09:46:25.540" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In every job I ever encountered:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I had to follow orders of the superiors, not only direct but also higher up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I had to be willing to perform other reasonable tasks then the ones originally in the job description, if asked to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That´s just how our economy works. Essentially you already work for your director, albeit indirect. You have to realize that any job you take will be subject to these possible changes. Even when you work for a small startup with only one boss, it could be bought out by others and you could get new assignments etc.. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you stay calm and don´t worry to much until something actually changes. When that happens you can react accordingly, for example by stating that the interruption of your current task would hurt the company or the likes. If you don´t reach an amicable agreement then, you can still look for another job. No need to worry now, when such a condition will probably never happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T11:53:43.290" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T11:53:43.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18844" CreationDate="2018-09-26T09:59:41.327" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say that the thing you are worried about has actually not yet happened after 3 months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't worry any more about something that may not ever happen. What he said at your interview may have just been a throwaway statement. In my experience, VIPs often ask things like that. In some cases it may just be to show their importance. At one interview I was asked by the head of an organisation if I would drop whatever I was doing and help him if he had an IT problem. I answered that I would, but added that I hoped he would only ask me to do that if it was genuinely urgent. I was offered the job! (but didn't take it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are faced with the situation where he asks you to do something for him, flatly refusing may hurt your career. You could perhaps explain that if you were to do it your existing workload would be affected. As director of the company though, if he wants &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; then he can probably deal with any problems arising from it clashing with your workload, maybe getting your work covered by somebody else. Important people tend to get what they want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it &lt;em&gt;were&lt;/em&gt; to happen, say after 6 months, and if it were something that came up maybe once per year, would that be so bad?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people, including myself to a degree, do not like &quot;uncertainty&quot;. I am happiest in my work when the parameters of what I have to do and how I have to do it are clearly laid out. Deviations from the norm and disruptions cause me more stress than being busy. Perhaps you are a little bit like that too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fact is, change is a huge factor in any tech environment. As a programmer you probably deal with change more often than you realise as technology constantly advances. Taking on the occasional ad-hoc task from your director may not be as bad as you expect. You could try and see it as a positive thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T10:05:28.923" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T10:05:28.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18844" CreationDate="2018-09-26T10:28:26.130" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have often been asked to do stuff for my superiors that are a bit out of the scope of my position. It is not so uncommon practice in my country. The way I ended up handling it might be a bit rude but for me it worked very well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as the director asked me to do something, I would drop my normal work and start doing that and only that. I would stop answering e-mails, phone calls or whatever else. As soon as my Supervisor notices that my work is piling up and it is not getting done and asks me what is going on I would tell him that I am doing work for the Director and focusing on that because it isn't possible to do both at the same time and he should take it up with the director. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From here there are 2 likely scenarios. Either he will let you finish what you are doing and you won't need to juggle all responsibilities or he will talk to the director about him taking up your time and other critical things falling behind as a result. It is very different conversation when the team leader asks the management to not take up their resources. Either result worked for me in my case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it is very dependent on position or work you are doing but after doing that two times, the third time the director asked me if I could do what he asked as paid overtime so I can tell you it is effective.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T10:28:26.130" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18848" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-26T11:46:44.380" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Woman's point of view)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best way of dealing with your problem, coming from a woman that was lied so many times, cheated on and many other things, might be: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear ..., since we are moving in together and since I never was more&#xA;  certain that I want to wake up next to you every single day of my life, I&#xA;  have a confession to make. Remember when I told you about my previous&#xA;  relationships, well, at that time, I didn't intended to lie to you,&#xA;  but felt like telling you less than it really happened. I know this&#xA;  talk is  out of the blue, but if I m not going to tell you the whole&#xA;  true, it might eat me alive. ....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember to start and to end the conversation telling her how much she means to you, and highlight the fact that you love her so much that you could not continue keeping stuffs like that from her. And that from now on, although she wasn't your first, she will be your last and that is way more important than being the first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For a woman the first means the world, for a man, the last means the world&lt;/strong&gt; so make that clear for her too in case she forget due to the mass of information that hit her! &lt;em&gt;(she might not be your last, but at this very point she is, so make her realize that too)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I learned from all my relationship is that &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;if you learn to dress nicely and sweetly any kind of information, it can be delivered and understood more easily&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; that saying it all directly. It might sound cliche but I would give my everything if in any of my past relationship, my lover would tell me the truth, instead finding it out on my own or in an verbal aggressive way.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like the others commented, try and choose a moment when you are both relaxed. And also be prepared for a &quot;little fight&quot; or for her asking for more details. And try not to fall in her trap and answer nicely to anything she asks but with dignity. Since is your past, you don't have to be ashamed of it, but embrace it and show her through words that all of those are in the past and are called &quot;failed relationships&quot;. And since you decided to open to her with your everything this means only one thing: that you love her so much and coming clean even after such a long time means you are ready for a bigger step &lt;em&gt;(like moving together, not really marriage if you don't feel like being there yet, make it clear)&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But remember one single thing : &lt;strong&gt;is you past, it doesn't define you, but is part of you.&lt;/strong&gt; If she can't accept, she might not be the one. Because if she truly loves you with all her heart, this conversation will go on smoothly and even end up in a romantic way. If she is the one she will pick only the part where you really wanted to come clean in front of her for a better tomorrow. Even if she will end up being a little upset, comfort her and assure her, she won't end like the others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it is really hard consider you already have 3 years, but keep in mind that usually &lt;strong&gt;what goes easy, ends, and the hard things to get, lasts forever&lt;/strong&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Update:&lt;/strong&gt; I understand that you already moved in for 3 months, yet turn the conversation into &quot;being a huge fuse for yourself that you moved in with her&quot;. Maybe that's the reason that you are ate up from inside because of you past. Moving in comes with responsibilities and you have to point that out.&#xA;You don't have to act it, since already will be difficult for you to say it, but show her how excited you are and that what you are about to say or said is a big step/thing for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They were only &lt;strong&gt;white lies&lt;/strong&gt; to you, &lt;strong&gt;lies&lt;/strong&gt; that you didn't feel like sharing them due to a lot of reasons &lt;em&gt;(reasons you can't remember)&lt;/em&gt;, but &lt;strong&gt;lies&lt;/strong&gt; that you are ready to speak them out, now, thanks to her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Last update&lt;/strong&gt;: If she asks you &quot;why did you hide the fact that you slept with x&quot;, tell her that you did that because you felt like being the right choice at that moment &lt;em&gt;(and that you can't remember exactly what you were actually thinking)&lt;/em&gt;, but blamed yourself from hiding her this for so long. And you finally come to your senses and realized how much your lover means and that you can no longer keep secrets from her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Best luck!&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21391" LastEditorUserId="21391" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T14:07:31.067" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T14:07:31.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18849" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18831" CreationDate="2018-09-26T12:04:51.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I´d second @Negotiate´s advice to see a Professional and see if he can help you in a more personal manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than that, I can recommend you look into taking up a hobby where you can train theses situations in a less serious environment.&#xA;This could be anything where you discuss and have controversy with other people. For example impro-theater, debate club, book club or Live action roleplaying come to mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T16:17:47.193" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T16:17:47.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18850" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-26T12:06:04.433" Score="1" ViewCount="431" Body="&lt;p&gt;Company got bought a while back. Some new head of something comes visit from oversea. All hands meeting. At the end of the meeting the local office boss thanks the bigger boss for coming over and starts clapping. Next thing everyone starts clapping. Nobody really knows why. I'm not clapping, I just feel awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;s&gt;Should I do something about it? If so what?&lt;/s&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Goal: I'd like other people to realise there is nothing to celebrate in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Idea (reductio ad absudrum): start clapping randomly when someone important finishes a sentence. Wait for other clappers to join in. Ask why they clapping. Probably not a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22115" LastEditorUserId="22115" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T14:18:28.713" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T14:18:28.713" Title="Clapping in meetings" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;meetings&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-26T13:37:37.997" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18850" CreationDate="2018-09-26T12:40:40.457" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Clapping is a social convention, and social conventions will vary at the highest level across cultures, and at the lowest level within individual groups.  It is possible that you have been bought by a company where the convention is to applaud the bigger boss.  Plus, it is also possible that your local boss is trying to improve his social standing with the visiting higher boss.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can decide whether you want to join in with this convention, but if you don't and the majority does, you are going to stand out - you won't be in the &quot;in group&quot;.  You need to decide personally if you care about this, and your decision should include considerations of what sanctions may be imposed - which could range from mild disapproval all the way through to being fired for &quot;showing disrespect&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22118" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T12:40:40.457" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18852" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-26T14:23:05.193" Score="4" ViewCount="3163" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I have known each other and been good friends for around ten years, but only got together four years ago. Fast forward to today we are married, have our own place and a 2.5 year old son.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We only recently married, but our relationship has been solid for the most part with a few hurdles here and there which seem natural enough, but I've noted a couple of times that I'm being held at a different standard that she isn't holding herself to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've had this discussion about a number of topics like work, children responsibilities, free time management to name a few.&#xA;However since I'm only focusing on a few cases regarding the opposite sex and we've had few enough instances where that's been an issue so I'll preface those.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first time was when we've been together for around a year, we were living together and she was pregnant.&#xA;She asked me to fix something on her laptop as I'm tech-savvy unlike her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Due to her broken touch pad (sometimes it went crazy for a second or two) I miss-clicked and found myself in a folder which contained pictures send by Viber which I didn't know she had and that seemed a bit sketchy, but what really got my attention was a picture of her ex carrying her bridal style in front of a bed you'd assume right before intercourse.&#xA;Now I won't say I felt good seeing the picture, but being an adult I understand that she's had previous relationships and so have i, and then I saw that the picture was sent 3 days before we got together which made me feel uneasy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I should mention that my previous relationship which lasted more than three years ended pretty badly with me finding out she had cheated multiple times, had at least two relationships ongoing relationships while she was with me and it left me with trust issues, something I had discussed at length with my now wife.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So at this point my reaction was to check her messenger, something I hadn't done until that point since I never felt I had a reason to, but I was having a  &quot;&lt;strong&gt;Oh no, not again&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; moment and I found out they were still talking frequently in a very friendly matter, which seemed odd considering she told me he abused/beat her and that if I ever lay a hand on her she will immediately leave me.&#xA;During their conversations I noticed that he often talked about sex, not with her per se, but she didn't seem to mind it either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My next reaction wasn't very adult-like, but I just left the laptop as it was - showing that I had read the conversations and seen the picture, went to a friend's place and had a couple of beers while not picking up my phone.&#xA;The reason I did this however was because I knew I was affected and probably angry so I had to clear my head before talking about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't mention a thing to my friend, but was thinking about it the whole time and tried not to jump to conclusions, before she had the opportunity to explain so after feeling I had cooled down went home to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She explained that she doesn't use Viber anymore, that's why I didn't know about it and she can't control when someone sends something and asked if she wanted to stop talking to her ex - to which I replied yes, though looking back at it I probably shouldn't have asked. She told him that they can't talk anymore emphasizing on the part that &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; don't want them to and that kind of hurt me, not because it wasn't true, but the way it was said and the response was him insulting me for being a &quot;pussy&quot; to which she only sent smiley emojis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end we agreed that I overreacted, moved on and this hasn't come up ever since. She also removed all of her password-saving on our laptops so I cannot access anything on my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't go into this much detail with the times she has confronted me with those kind of issues, but in my eyes they were ridiculous at best. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Being friendly over messenger with my female cousin who I've spend my childhood with (she didn't know we were cousins)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Playing an online game with a group of people, one of which happens to be a girl (it's a 5 vs 5 game), which I've never met, and we were planning a meeting since we (me, wife and child) were going to be visiting their (the four other people, girl involved) town and wanted to do a real-life meetup since we were playing quite often at that point. I essentially had to cut all ties with those people, which subsequently killed my desire to play the game at all.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Getting hints (which I'll admit I totally missed) by a girl online, to which I didn't reciprocate anyway as she was helping me with a part-time work assignment and that was entirely where my conversations with her were aimed at. This is from the current year so it shows that she is still digging through my messages, but I don't mind it all that much if she feels more secure, it's still a bit insulting that she doesn't trust me though.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Recently got a new job in a small firm and although she seemed uninterested by my new office/male colleagues she had a mild reaction when she found out that I had a female colleague as in she asked a bunch of questions like &quot;is she good looking&quot; &quot;how old&quot; etc..&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile in the last couple of months at her work she is constantly asked to travel with her boss/supervisor who is the one who got her the job there. He has been nothing, but good to us, getting her that job which is extremely niche and has only several positions in the entire country, not to mention it's been her dream job for as long as in know her. I have only good feelings regarding this person and feel grateful for the opportunity he has provided her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As of late she has needed to travel quite frequently for the conferences from work as well as, because she is working to get her master's degree and the speciality she needs is not available in our city. I don't mind the traveling in itself, but she tags her boss with her even when it's not entirely necessary e.g few days ago she went for her thesis defense and he joined in because she needs moral support/help to prepare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to emphasize that this is not about trust. I don't suspect that she is cheating, but I'm somewhat annoyed because knowing her if I brought it to light as something that's bothering me she would probably ridicule me as she always does when I so much as hint I might be jealous, even though I imagine if the tables were turned she would most likely go batshit crazy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is &lt;strong&gt;how can I get my wife to see that she is holding me to a higher standard than she holds herself?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22108" LastEditorUserId="12779" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T15:17:52.420" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T14:36:36.163" Title="Dealing with double standards from my wife" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-09-27T05:54:52.920" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-26T14:59:25.953" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;early 20's in the US. We have been together for almost 3 years &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;sore point for her [...] she dwells on&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;many long conversations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;she always comes back to&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;I [...] continue the act&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This triggers a lot of memories for me. Young, inexperienced couple, one overly sensitive/clinging partner, the other one (you) going for the protective role. Long discussions which resolve nothing. Acting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It took me about 15 years to figure out that relationships just do not work this way. You are thinking a lot about what you can say or do to avoid her hurting, but this is most certainly futile. There will &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; be a pit for you to fall in, and you will &lt;em&gt;never&lt;/em&gt; find the way to shield her from everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Knowing what I know today, I wish I had done this some decades ago:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't think too much about what you are saying will do to her. Obviously you love her, so there is no reason to be mean to her, but if you have something to say, then say it. If you cannot tell the truth to the parther you are going to be with forever, then there is no point in being together. Especially if children should join the picture, a trust-less relationship is hell.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;And yes, this is about trust - you have to trust that your relationship can survive whatever you tell her, about any topic whatsoever. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If your woman is at all like mine was back then, I understand that it seems incredibly hard if not impossible to tell her something that you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; will make her angry or hurt. Your whole post screams &quot;I want to protect her&quot;. This is a fallacy damaging both you and her. You are both adults. She may need your protection from outsiders, but if she needs protection from YOU, then that is a disaster. Think how it will feel if you are on vacation, in a nice restaurant, you say something seemingly harmless, and she starts crying. Believe me, you do not want to live through such a relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So. My advice: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Shift your own frame of reference and forget about that girl you slept with. That is not the issue at all.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;From now on, say what you truly think. Always, about any topic at all. Never double-guess. Never think how much it will hurt her. Treat this as a benchmark for the state of your relationship - if it does not survive this, then it was not meant to be.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If this particular topic (about that girl) comes up later, then obviously (by rule #2), you tell the truth. Don't see it as &quot;admitting&quot; or anything, you did nothing wrong. If she says that you lied, you tell her (truthfully) that you wanted to protect her and did not, at the time, know how to do that in any other way. &lt;em&gt;If&lt;/em&gt; you wish to make her feel that this will not happen anymore, then do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; tell her that you won't lie again, but tell her that you won't try to &lt;em&gt;protect&lt;/em&gt; her (from silly stuff like this) anymore. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accept the conflict. Your experience with her will probably change, you may have more fighting or crying. If that happens, learn how to work that out - find a pair therapy, or ask here again.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't outright say it, but if she is constantly down and depressed, and easily brought into that state, there may be a deeper problem - depression, inferiority complex, such things. If you get that feeling, then it is very important that you do not judge her, or try to be her therapist. This is one &lt;em&gt;sure-fire&lt;/em&gt; way to kill your respect for her. Stick with her, make sure she knows you love her, and try to get her into contact with friends etc., maybe find a therapy, whatever.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;First and foremost, stop being her protector. She is not a child where you have to manage their emotions. Of course, don't be rough or mean. Be truthful and treat her like an adult.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If this &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; nags at you, then go by rule #2: tell her. But don't come crawling about that old relationship, but tell her that you are having a problem right now about that old lie, and that you wish her to know that, so you can sleep again. Make it about the lie (which is the only thing you actually &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; wrong regarding her and yourself), not about the sleeping-with, but be quite clear that you &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; sleep with that other one before you met your current partner. I'm sure, with the described mindset you will find out what to say. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Although this may sound cruel: before you decide to get children, do a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of soulsearching and find out if these kinds of problems have been fixed thoroughly. If not... think about what will happen when you have children &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; an emotionally unstable partner and come to whatever conclusion seems right for you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T18:20:57.000" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T18:20:57.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18854" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18852" CreationDate="2018-09-26T14:59:56.010" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am going to start by saying I have a very strong distaste for controlling people. Any form of control one partner has over the other should be consensual and not coerced. That is a very distinct difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your wife exerts control over you for unbased jealousy&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Playing an online game with a group of people, one of which happens to be a girl (it's a 5 vs 5 game), which I've never met, and we were planning a meeting since we (me, wife and child) were going to be visiting their (the four other people, girl involved) town and wanted to do a real-life meetup since we were playing quite often at that point. I essentially had to cut all ties with those people, which subsequently killed my desire to play the game at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I understood that right, your wife specifically made you cut ties to a group of friends on the mere basis of jealousy regarding a person you have never met in person.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;That is &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; healthy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your comment you claimed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had to quit the group is a huge overstatement on my part. I chose that option since it was the easiest and i have plenty of other friends/activities and not a lot of free time, so it didn't feel like a big-deal to ditch people i only knew online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows you have adapted to your wife's controlling nature. You know that arguing and standing your ground is a tedious process and just give in on every whim she has. Even &lt;strong&gt;IF&lt;/strong&gt; in this specific case you really didn't care that much about the people - which I doubt, since you wanted to meet them - there was no reason to ditch them besides your wife's controlling nature.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the other case, where you had a severe reason for jealousy her response was locking you out of her devices.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;She is entirely controlling of your relationship and it does not appear to be consensual as you are very unhappy with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[...] if I brought it to light as something that's bothering me she would probably ridicule me as she always does when I so much as hint I might be jealous, [...]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not healthy. There is a fetish for humiliation and ridicule - it does not seem to be one you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your goal should not be coping with the double standard&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your goal should be &lt;strong&gt;changing it&lt;/strong&gt; and making your wife treat you fairly.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Of course, you can't just remove her jealousy, but you can free yourself of unwanted control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is only possible through extensive communication. Talk to her specifically about her double standards. Give exactly the examples you gave here. Show her the extent of the control she is forcing on you and make it clear you are serious.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Make it clear you want fairness, not control over her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am aware that this is far easier advice to give than to adhere to, but I am sure it is a necessity in your scenario. You are clearly suffering from the status as it is - understandably. Your goal has to be improving the status quo - not having to deal with it and be unhappy for the rest of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And i wholeheartedly agree with the not-healthy relationship, but fixing issues is what i've come to believe a relationship is all about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say fixing issues is your goal, but your question is about coping with the emotional issues your wife causes for you. Either by her behaviour or by her ridicule if you bring any of the issues up.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Your wife is emotionally manipulating you into compliance. &lt;strong&gt;THAT&lt;/strong&gt; is the issue that has to be fixed - not your lack of coping with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22069" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T14:59:56.010" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18855" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-26T15:22:19.263" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a woman myself, living with insecurities and etc, although I would want to know the truth.. but I would rather not know.. after knowing the fact..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every woman wants an ideal.. you are an ideal now.. don't tarnish that.. of course she would want you to tell her everything, in the hope that you are the ideal man, you are her first; and likewise; but you are not... so live with it, but don't tell her. This is small matter, there are thousands more important things in life you both can focus on, then dwelling in the past. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regardless... coming clean or not, it's not worth it, because now she will have someone that will become the ghost from the past that will always haunt her, or a shadow that can never leave her because it will always be at the back of her mind, what if... what if... what if... some of the what ifs could be. What if she is better than me, prettier than me, or what if you still thinks of her at times, though not the whole time; especially when you ran into problems like fighting over things, etc. Trust me, what lies in the past, just bury it there, focus on the future, live in the now..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner never comment on his past relationship, though I would always be curious and naturally, I would want to hear things like &lt;em&gt;oh, you are so much better than x&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;she is nobody&lt;/em&gt;, but come on, you can't live your life reassuring her of her own insecurities your whole life. Woman is always insecure, so to save you the trouble later, dont talk about it now, or ever.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just my humble 2 cents. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22122" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T17:45:01.473" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T17:45:01.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18856" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-26T15:27:30.593" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR: &quot;Bob.  It's not going to happen.  But thank you very much.&quot;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking as a man who has been gleefully guilty of this, I would suggest that you do not have a friend in Bob -- not the type you want, or that he wants -- and you have nothing to lose but an illusion.  This undefined zone of discomfort is as close as you are going to get to a mutually satisfying relationship.  &lt;em&gt;That is why neither of you have changed it.&lt;/em&gt;  You both know what's up, and you are both hoping for the other to come around.  It's not going to happen.  This is a politely prosecuted pursuit/evasion relationship, and it will feed on itself without fundamental change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that even in your question, &quot;What can I say/do to kindly show Bob that I prefer to do these things for myself?&quot;, you are politely avoiding the real issue.  Bob knows that you would prefer to do these things for yourself -- but he would prefer to do them for you.  He is placing a marker for later, while simultaneously defending his territory against other comers.  He has reserved you for the future, and wants everybody to see it.&#xA;Door or no door, you have expressed that you do not wish to be reserved for the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds that you and Bob have a relationship which can survive a bump.  I suggest a gentle, caring, forceful statement in a place of sufficient privacy to respect his needy ego: &quot;Bob.  It's not going to happen.  But thank you very much.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There won't be much need to explain, or even to continue talking.  It will be what it will be.  Bob may in fact not be able to deal with this very well going forward, and will probably be angry, humiliated, and distant for a while.  That's just a wounded ego.  But you're &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; in a dreadful situation, and frankly, so is he.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user15836" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T15:27:30.593" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18831" CreationDate="2018-09-26T15:34:23.807" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can practice by asking a friend to help you practice. Have an argument with them (artificial, of course) and practice. Say there is only one cheese sandwich in the shop, you both want it, you both have the exact same right to get it, so practice how you get it. (I suppose that’s a situation we’re you’d normally lose out). And no sharing. You must leave with the sandwich. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course do this at home, not in the sandwich shop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T15:34:23.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18858" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18862" CreationDate="2018-09-26T15:37:08.127" Score="24" ViewCount="5904" Body="&lt;p&gt;This year I suggested that we make the 19 hour drive to go see my family. Travel Saturday and Sunday, and then travel back the next weekend. My wife seems to be on board with it, however, she still wants to celebrate Christmas with her family which is four hours away, either the weekend before or after the big trip. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am against this, because I believe it is excessive. We will be traveling to see her family twice in November and again in January. Ever since we have been married (8 years this past August), we have celebrated Christmas completely with her family, even when we lived far away (I was active duty). I have never complained, because I know it means a lot more to her than me. I began experiencing Christmas away from at least parts of my immediate family from about the age of 10. She has never. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other than my older brother and my mom, I haven't seen my family since Thanksgiving 2014, and since being married, never actually on Christmas. I kind of think it is time. We also have three kids, ages: 1, 4, and 7. And they really don't know my side of the family, and have only known Christmas with her side. She initially said that the kids would be upset about not celebrating Christmas with the cousins that they know. I said they would probably be fine, and that she was the one that would have the hardest time with it, she conceded that was probably true. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really like driving, so spending 3 weekends in a row in the car does not appeal to me. I don't think asking her to give up one Christmas with her family is asking that much, especially when considering how often we see them already compared to my family. She argues that my family never comes to visit, which is true, though not completely fair. Both our parents are about the same age (60ish) but mine are still looking after kids (adopted and my special needs younger brother), and my sister has a large family, so making a 19 hour cross country trip is a bit more involved than a four hour jaunt without kids. Also, the only one of her siblings that have visited us, only has 2 kids, so I don't think that argument holds as much weight as she thinks it does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I talk to my wife about this so that we can find a solution which make everyone happy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13064" LastEditorUserId="16861" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T14:33:34.413" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T14:33:34.413" Title="How should I discuss on which side of the family to spend Christmas with?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18858" CreationDate="2018-09-26T16:14:57.217" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to challenge your frame here in a big way.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why go at all?  Your family now is YOUR family.  It's your wife and kids.  You can visit Grandma and Grandpa at any time.  Plus, and you know this from your experience, traveling with kids is a pretty big ordeal.  Whether it's 4 hours or 19 hours, the amount of logistics is incredible.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this travel makes holidays stressful.  Couples argue over whom to visit and when, like you are doing now.  The simple solution is simply to agree between the two of you: We are celebrating with our family now.  Make plans on visiting the family at a time that works better for you, with less argument about the date and conflicts with other relatives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have done this, and it's made the holidays a lot less stressful.  One of our parents tries to lay on the guilt about not being there, but we  don't accept it and respond with &quot;if it really matters to you to see us, you come here.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T16:14:57.217" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18861" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18858" CreationDate="2018-09-26T16:16:39.513" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr: Endure the additional drive to see her relatives, or visit your relatives at a different time&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note: I'm trying to use &quot;family&quot; to describe you, your wife, and your children, and &quot;relatives&quot; to describe your and your wife's other relations)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very asymmetrical situation, and my read is that there are several distinct but intersecting considerations which are confusing things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Christmas with one's relatives is &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; more important to your wife than to you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't see your relatives often, and they don't really see your family&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You see your wife's relatives often&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't like driving very much&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question seems to assert that (2) and (3) are blended with (1). I do not think that this is the case. Consider: if your major complaint is that you, your wife, and your children don't see your relatives enough, then it's totally reasonable to want to plan a visit (especially if it's difficult for your relatives to come see you). But there's no particular reason that that visit &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt; to revolve around Christmas. For you it sounds like it's important to see your relatives; for her, it sounds like it's important to see her relatives &lt;em&gt;for Christmas specifically&lt;/em&gt;. Her preferences don't allow for much flexibility in timing, but yours do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't indicate whether or not Christmas is an important thing for you, but spending it with your relatives seems not to be. Conversely, Christmas with her relatives apparently &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; very important to your wife. So you're effectively asking her to give up something very meaningful to her in exchange for something that is not so meaningful to you. That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't get your way here but is important to keep in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you're set on seeing your relatives on the actual day, and your wife is (at least mostly) OK with that. She's floated a compromise in which you all still see her relatives around the same time, but not on the actual day. Now it's no longer &quot;her relatives or mine&quot;, but &quot;her relatives or my preference for my relatives this year and also not driving&quot;. That's harder to defend. I'm right there with you that long road trips are not fun, but is your desire to not be in a car for an additional 8 hours after being in one for 38 hours (baked in for seeing your relatives) that much stronger than her desire to see her relatives for a special holiday gathering, as she has done in an unbroken tradition spanning her entire life?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not crazy to recognize that your wife has gotten her preference every year so far (though it doesn't seem that that is something that bothers you very much on this topic). But that's not a great rationale for her getting none of what she wants this year just so that you can have something arbitrary and not as meaningful to you. Unless the Christmas element is a lot more important to you than your question lets on, you can easily satisfy everyone (and all four items in my list) by bending on the day: visiting your relatives for Thanksgiving (or any other holiday, or even any arbitrary day) and hers for Christmas seems like it would completely eliminate the issue while maximizing what everyone wants and minimizing what everyone doesn't want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T16:16:39.513" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18862" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18858" CreationDate="2018-09-26T16:28:50.163" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;Her wanting to see her family for Christmas is reasonable, and I would suggest avoiding approaching this as a zero-sum game where one person has to &quot;get&quot; the visit they want around Christmas and therefore the other has to &quot;lose.&quot; (I think you are already doing a pretty good job of this and have clearly taken into consideration the different valuation you both put on Christmastime visits).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wanting to see your family on Christmas is also reasonable, and it seems like your wife is not opposed to this, so that's great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, not wanting to make 4 trips in 3 months to visit family 4 hours away is also reasonable; I think if you want to make a stand that only the Christmas visit is the one that can't happen, you are probably not being reasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be difficult for my suggested approach because of commitments you already made, but if possible now or in the future &lt;strong&gt;try to frame the negotiation about the number and occasion of visits to her family, rather than &quot;hers&quot; versus &quot;yours&quot; around a single event.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you are most bothered by taking so many trips to her family, rather than the Christmas visit itself. Perhaps she would be willing to skip one of the other trips if it means you don't mind doing two circa-Christmas trips. If the question is instead &quot;do we visit my family on Christmas or do we visit them for grandma's birthday in January?&quot; you may find it easier to compromise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another alternative to consider is that you may not both need to make every trip there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For both of these approaches, the general concept is a negotiating strategy that &lt;em&gt;provides choices to the other party while establishing your needs&lt;/em&gt; rather than trying to &lt;em&gt;convince someone that your solution is best&lt;/em&gt;. In the end, that lets both of you feel good about the eventual outcome: if your wife gives up one of the other visits, she might feel like she both got what she wanted (Christmas with her family) and also &lt;em&gt;gifted you what you wanted&lt;/em&gt; - she can feel good about both parts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastEditorUserId="3089" LastEditDate="2018-09-26T16:35:05.157" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T16:35:05.157" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18831" CreationDate="2018-09-26T18:20:32.230" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have sort of similar problem as you. I am pretty good at solving other's problems (successfully) but I can't keep a level head when it gets too personal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case I know if I am going to face a difficult situation/problem , I talk to someone close and tell them  the problem. Then I just follow whatever they say or get them to mediate, if need be. Sometime that third person advice/motivation just gets me clear and going. &lt;em&gt;If I am going be bad at it, why not just reach out for someone who is good?&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am lucky in the sense, I have few friends who are mature/trustable enough to help me get a perspective. Since you are always the mediator I think people will be happy to help you. Maybe I don't understand your situation exactly but hopefully this may work for you to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5279" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T18:20:32.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18866" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18935" CreationDate="2018-09-26T20:20:05.083" Score="8" ViewCount="1762" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is uncle of my good friend, very elder to me and family man also. I am surprised with his unexpected demand of sex. I want his guidance but not at the cost of fulfilling his worst demand. How can I interact?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend has introduced me to her uncle for the purpose of some guidance help. I was speaking normally and respectfully with him. But after some days he started manipulating me by saying 'I love you' (through phone), started virtual sex, he used to send kissing symbols through WhatsApp and asked me where shall we go and how will we manage further meetings and all. I know this manipulation is all for sex. I was shocked (and my feeling was of humiliation). I was quite aware of the fact that he is a married person and father of 2 daughters. I had talked with my friend on the phone and told her all the things about her uncle. But I was again shocked because she blamed me for the incidence. I mean, she blamed me that I might have attracted him. I have again surprised because in college and for 3 years she and me were together in the same room and very good friends. She knows me very well that I never did anything other than study in my college days. And how could she blame on me. This incidence has broken our friendship. She blamed it on me. It means that now, she doesn't trust me. So, I don't want further communicate with her (as I think if she wants she will contact me whenever she will feel).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The uncle is very elder to me. He manipulated me in a very polite way (so that I could not understand his hidden aim). But I was aware of the fact. I am not at all interested in him for sex. But I want guidance. (Sometimes I think that why to take guidance from such worst person). But then I thought that let us keep my principle as it is and make changes into strategy. But what strategy of interaction can I adapt so that he will stop behaving like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, the main issue is I want guidance from the uncle but not at the cost of sexual relationship....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to interact with the uncle in order to stop him from behaving like this?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Notes and Clarifications&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to communicate with any of my friend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to sleep with him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was thinking to explain all the matter with his wife, but thinking&#xA;upon this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to give trouble to my family members&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may be thinking that he has all career achievements means he can sleep&#xA;with anyone he likes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T14:29:22.710" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T14:29:22.710" Title="How can I stop a person who is uncle of my friend and manipulates me for sex?" Tags="&lt;sexual-assault&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18867" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-26T21:14:06.423" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say/do to kindly show Bob that I prefer to do these things for myself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exactly what you told us, in firm but friendly terms. As you are friends, this should be possible without alienating him. If it does not work, then you have a pretty good indication that it was not &amp;quot;just&amp;quot; friendship or old habits that were driving him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd go so far and make this the first topic of one of your lunches...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, there's one thing that I need to bring up. I've found out that your two habits of opening doors for me, and paying my lunch, make me really uncomfortable to the extent that I catch myself not wanting to go to lunch anymore. You have already explained to me that those are habits of yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please, accept that I these are not my habits, and that I am really unhappy whenever you do it. Please do not do it again, as it destroys the whole lunchtime for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, word it as you would usually talk, and be happy and cheerful. No &amp;quot;sorry&amp;quot;, no &amp;quot;you do not need to...&amp;quot;, just a simple, clear message. And get any thought of hidden agendas he may or may not have out of your head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he keeps explaining that you do not need to feel unhappy about it, then repeat that you do feel unhappy about it, and add that it would mean a lot to you if he respected that wish of yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no way whatsoever, if you keep repeating that thought in the discussion, that he can talk his way out of it - you keep repeating that he is making you uncomfortable and that you would like him to respect your wish, that you do not want it, that you do not want him to force it on you, etc. If this takes a lot of talking, or if you cannot get through to him at all, then maybe you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; rethink the friendly relationship you have going on, after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="391" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T07:17:31.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18868" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-26T21:21:58.707" Score="-1" ViewCount="528" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm working on a &quot;for fun&quot; project together with some online friends. We do not intend to make money on it or become famous or anything. We're just doing it because we're like-minded individuals and we believe that together we can create something cool and improve our skills in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all have many other things going on in our lives, such as school, work, parenting, and so on. Because of that the progress slows down from time to time. Since it's a free project that's not meant to be too serious, I don't think it's right for me to get angry about occasional periods of inactivity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But still, I feel like certain members of the team could use some discipline. I know that they are indeed quite busy dealing with other responsibilities, but I'm certain that if they tried a little harder they would be able to do more without it seriously affecting their everyday lives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I bring up this matter in a tactful manner (either by making a statement for everyone to see or discussing the issue with my teammates individually)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22129" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:37:49.010" Title="How can I encourage teammates to be more responsible in a &quot;for fun&quot; project?" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18868" CreationDate="2018-09-26T21:41:30.497" Score="4" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You can't force them to do anything&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or at least not without alienating them. You're talking about taking something that for them is a fun hobby to do in their free time and making it a chore. Not only will it ruin the fun for them, but you'll probably lose them as contributors altogether. As such, I suggest allowing for the opportunity of them saying no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would find a time when they're all free and have a call in meeting where you can draw out your vision for the project. Show how there are things that could use more work and try to set deadlines. &lt;em&gt;Suggest&lt;/em&gt; parts of the project that certain members may enjoy working on and work out a deadline with them. If they say no, then that's all you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, how much work they do is up to them. There's no contractual agreement and no money changing hands. You guys are all in it for the fun of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T21:54:37.637" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18871" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18852" CreationDate="2018-09-26T22:47:37.277" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your question and comments, it's difficult to see a double standard.  Both of you are being jealous, and it looks like you started it.  You're describing it in terms that make her seem like she's going further, but neither you nor I know how she sees it.  There's no double standard about privacy either, since she chose to cut off your access to her accounts and you chose not to cut off her access.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a comment on another answer, you say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This isn't a jealousy/romantic exclusive issue, its the way i&#xA;  presented it, but the double standards are ever more present in other&#xA;  areas. I have tried talking about it multiple times to no avail, as if&#xA;  she doesn't understand my points of view - we're very different&#xA;  intellectually(she is a book-smart person and very emotional while i'm&#xA;  more sound logic based and resourceful) so she often doesn't get my&#xA;  views on a number of topics and we simply agree to disagree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't explain yourself so she understands, which suggests that you don't understand her point of view.  For many things, it's fine to agree to disagree, but you really do need to be able to communicate on things like behavior standards.  You also suggest that you're intellectually superior, and that's a potentially dangerous assumption in a relationship.  It leads to lack of respect for the other.  In a close relationship, it's necessary for each person to consider the other's viewpoint.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To understand where she's coming from, try sitting down sometime when things are relatively calm and you have some time.  Ask her about her take on something you disagree on, such as things you think there's a double standard on.  Your goal here is to understand her, not to resolve anything.  It's going to be difficult, but refrain from defending yourself or arguing with her.  When you ask questions, make sure they're to clarify your understanding of her viewpoint.  When you think you understand it, think about it.  You need to understand that it's a valid way of looking at part of your relationship, or you're likely to drift apart as a couple.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To let you know where I'm coming from, the post looked like I could have written it in a slightly different universe.  I was pretty bad at communicating and respecting other approaches to thinking and decisions when I was young.  Sound logic gets you to the wrong place if your premises are wrong.  I'm presenting some of the lessons I've learned along the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18513" LastEditorUserId="18513" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T14:36:36.163" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T14:36:36.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18852" CreationDate="2018-09-26T23:13:43.360" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Three days before even meeting you, this person (who was already her ex) sent her a picture reminding her about a time they had sex, and &lt;strong&gt;you're jealous&lt;/strong&gt;? Seems like the ex was being creepy and unpleasant, and this may well have cemented her decisions to both stop using that app and start dating someone new (which turned out to be you, aren't you lucky.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend you do not pursue the &quot;we have a double standard here&quot; theory. Instead, pick one of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am upset and feel jealous because [thing] and here is what I want to do about it. Only if she says &quot;I don't think I should be held to that standard&quot; could you say &quot;but you hold me to that standard.&quot; She may not offer that objection.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think you are setting the bar way too high in feeling jealous when I do [thing] and I think doing [thing] should not be something that threatens and upsets you. Only if she says &quot;but you are jealous when I do those exact same things&quot; should you say that actually the things you get jealous about are way worse than the things she gets jealous about.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the advantages of this is that when you imagine yourself saying &quot;I am upset and jealous because just before we started going out, your ex sent you a picture that made it clear you were about to have sex&quot; then when you hear that out loud it may occur to you that jealous isn't the best response to that. Compare to &quot;I am upset and jealous because when your ex called me names after hearing I didn't like you two still interacting, you didn't argue with him but just sent smiley faces.&quot; It's more complete. You're not asking anyone to guess why you're upset. It's clear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A similar thing may happen if you choose option 2. &quot;I think you were setting the bar way too high when you objected that overly friendly Messenger conversation with the person who turned out (but you didn't know) was my cousin.&quot; Again in hearing this you may realize that since she didn't know it was your cousin, the bar maybe wasn't too high. Or with the milder thing, &quot;I think you were setting the bar way too high when you objected to that student sending me hints about wanting to be closer.&quot; She may then clarify, &quot;I wasn't objecting to her sending hints, I know you aren't responsible for that. I was objecting to you not shutting down her line of hinting by telling her you were in a relationship.&quot; Then you can say &quot;I get that. I missed all the hints so I didn't shut them down. If I had realized that's what was going on I would totally have told her to forget it, I'm in a committed relationship.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It almost doesn't matter which of the two you choose, other than it should be one you support. For the sake of completeness, let me just point out that you may only pick one. That is, &quot;I am jealous about [thing] &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; you set the bar too high when [thing]&quot; is a double standard of its own, no?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-09-26T23:13:43.360" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18874" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18910" CreationDate="2018-09-27T00:22:04.247" Score="6" ViewCount="1213" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother-in-law hates my guts and we haven't even met yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This weekend, my wife and I will be meeting up with her parents for the first time after they kicked her out unexpectedly. This will be the first time I'll ever get to talk to her parents in person, or verbally even. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see, my wife and I met online 2.5 years ago and we've always been one state away in distance. 3 months ago, her mother tried to catfish me and failed miserably. I had a fairly strong suspicion who she was so I went along with it for an hour and ended it with &quot;Goodnight, $name. It was a pleasure finally getting to speak with you. :)&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seemed like a badass move at the time but, the day after, she ended up kicking out my then-fiancee and I had to drive to her and have her move in with me. We've been living together ever since and got married last month. My wife has been in touch with her family online the whole time. Now her mother wants to meet me in person and refuses to video call before then. We agreed to spend a few hours at some events (restaurant dinner + pumpkin patch the next morning), because my wife really wants her property she couldn't bring with her at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the same mother that &lt;a href=&quot;https://law.stackexchange.com/questions/29773/evil-mother-filed-missing-person-report-after-kicking-out-adult-daughter-any-wa/&quot;&gt;filed a missing person report with me as the suspect&lt;/a&gt; when I went to pick her up (she was an adult at the time), refuses to acknowledge my good traits, hates my race, hates my family she's never even seen, hates my lack of religion (she's a Jehova Witness), hates my looks, hates the age gap between her daughter and I (almost 5 years), hates the fact that I used to play first-person shooter games as a teenager (found me online), constantly wants to get our marriage voided, and has sent my wife messages saying she would've murdered me if she saw me at the time I went to go pick her up from the motel she was staying at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My lack of religion is perhaps the largest thing she hates about me, but I'm mainly concerned about the last part because she said it in such a serious manner which makes me seriously nervous about my safety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I steer a conversation away from things that could be used against me?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: the only reason we agreed to going is to get my wife's property she couldn't take before and, more importantly, her cat whom we have strong emotional attachment to. Were it not for that, we wouldn't even consider going. Agreeing to a quick dinner and event seemed like a nice way to make an impression on them along the way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4589" LastEditorUserId="4589" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T17:09:09.730" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T06:33:42.617" Title="Making a (second) first impression on mother-in-law. How can I survive this?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;in-laws&gt;&lt;first-impressions&gt;&lt;safety&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18877" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-27T01:33:52.187" Score="16" ViewCount="2317" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few months back, four of my friends and I started meeting monthly for Dungeons and Dragons sessions. We weren't all close at the start of our campaign, but are now a tight-knit group. One member of our group (let's call her Jill) asked if her boyfriend (Let's say he is Jack) could join at the end of the first campaign. I didn't have any issue with this since I didn't know Jack and the more the merrier. I have since come to find out that no one else in our DnD group likes Jack. They find him arrogant and annoying. We were all asked by Jill if he could join, but no one spoke up at the time. Now we are trying to figure out how to uninvite the guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the dynamics at play: We all like Jill as a member of our group, but nobody would be terribly upset if she stopped attending. We just want to maintain our friendship with her. Nobody cares about Jack's feelings, haha. Jill doesn't date around too much, but most of the friends seem to agree that Jack will not last. Jack wants to run his own game, but he also wants to be in ours. This seems like the easiest way out of this situation: Somehow get Jill to be in Jack's game and continue our monthly game without them both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I believe that plan is the path forward, I am having trouble imagining the conversations that would lead to the desired result. Help me come up with some ways to navigate those conversations or any other useful solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Updates: To clarify, Jack has not yet joined our group. The negative opinion of him has formed from other interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22135" LastEditorUserId="22135" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T21:34:33.600" LastActivityDate="2019-06-01T22:19:16.917" Title="How do I uninvite my friend's boyfriend from Dungeons and Dragons?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-27T03:06:11.910" Score="-1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You'd be wasting your breath even if you told them.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;note: this is a frame challenge to the underlying assumption that the answer is the valuable part.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, &lt;em&gt;people don't really listen&lt;/em&gt;. People are terrible students. They don't want lessons; they want to stay in the comfort zone of their preconceived notions, or at best, figure things out for themselves. So the question is as likely to be about ego reinforcement: they want to hear you name software &lt;em&gt;they already like&lt;/em&gt;, so it can affirm their own decision. If you tell them you used &lt;strong&gt;Zyxxlon&lt;/strong&gt;, which nobody's heard of, they won't even remember it when they get home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In the novel series &lt;em&gt;The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy&lt;/em&gt;, a massive supercomputer was built to compute the ultimate answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything. After 7.5 million years, it printed out &quot;42”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, what makes your choice &lt;em&gt;powerful to you&lt;/em&gt; is not the magic answer (&quot;42&quot;), but the &lt;strong&gt;confidence in the process which drew you to the answer&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tell them &quot;WordPress&quot;, but it won't be powerful to them in that way. Because you cannot transfer the confidence in the quality of that answer, and all the research which brought you to that answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get it? The valuable commodity isn't the answer; it's the research and confidence in the same. That doesn't convey.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And anyway, the best for them &lt;em&gt;probably isn't the same&lt;/em&gt; as the best for you. (If it was, we would all use the same platform). They would not, and should not, take your answer at face value and just use your choice; they &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to find their own &quot;42&quot;, just as you did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Instead, describe your process.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't tell them &quot;42&quot;. Tell them about the process you went through to decide which to use or to arrive at your answer. After all, &lt;em&gt;this is what they will end up having to do for themselves&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, here is your answer: only go as deep into it as the relationship warrants.  And you can go pretty deep nto your process if that's called for.  Or you can go this shallow: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow, I must've looked at 100 platforms to find one that fit me. It's more personal than you'd think, I couldn't tell you what's right for you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here you're not &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; describing the process, becuase you don't owe them that.  This is a hint; a seed; one they could plant and grow their own process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My point is, you can legitimately answer their question as lightly as that, and not worry about having been rude. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8534" LastEditorUserId="8534" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T00:05:21.613" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T00:05:21.613" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18874" CreationDate="2018-09-27T06:24:52.357" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some relationships are not worth fixing, especially abusive ones, seeing as she tried to catfish you as well as name you in a fake police report, stalks you online, threatens to &lt;strong&gt;murder&lt;/strong&gt; you, et cetera.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would instead urge both you and your wife to stay far away from her and have her behaviour documented by the police if she keeps harassing you. If she escalates then file a restraining order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: Because you still need to converse with her for some time, see if you can flip the tables and instead ask her questions so that she will talk about herself rather than her dislike for you. If she steers the topic into religion, ask her about what it's like being a Jehova's Witness and their practices, for example. If you approach the topics with curiousity, she should be more receptive to talking to you in a more relaxed manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastEditorUserId="17106" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T06:33:42.617" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T06:33:42.617" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18881" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18887" CreationDate="2018-09-27T07:24:49.500" Score="11" ViewCount="5416" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The context is &amp;quot;in general&amp;quot; but let's say that we are in any discussion that imply improving something in my life. So it can be with a GF, with a parent, my manager etc.. The argument &amp;quot;there is better or worse&amp;quot; does not take in consideration anything els that what I personnaly have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Situation:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to know what is the best answer to this argument in order to recenter the discussion on the main subject that should not be affected by what other does. I think that this argument is an easy trick to avoid any change and sometimes to just avoid a discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Example #1&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A : I think that we should improve [something].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B : Why do you want this ? You know, there is always better and worse, you should accept what we have now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Example #2&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A : I would like to have a better salary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B : There is better and worse, you should accept what you have now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I counter the argument &amp;quot;there is better and worse&amp;quot; in order to make the interlocutor feels like he did not used a valid argument ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3837" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T11:49:32.347" Title="How can I counter the argument &quot;there is better and there is worse&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-09-28T07:53:47.260" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18882" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18881" CreationDate="2018-09-27T07:36:58.187" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I always hated this argument too. In this kind of situation, I use the following answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know there is always better and worse, it doesn't mean we should do nothing in order to improve things!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then, I usually go with a long tirade about how it is the responsibility of every one to make the world a better place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Warning&lt;/strong&gt;: The other person might get defensive after that, but they will definitively understand that you don't think &quot;there is better and worse&quot; is a valid answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I generally use this technique in an activist setting when someone (not an activist) suggest that we should do nothing because &quot;There are bigger problems&quot;, &quot;It is what it is&quot; and &quot;It's not that bad&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T16:43:28.577" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T16:43:28.577" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18884" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18874" CreationDate="2018-09-27T08:31:14.423" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to applaud the commitment you have to your wife and for even agreeing to this meetup after all that has happened to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to actually handle it would be tricky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best advise for your situation is to try to remain calm no matter what happens during that dinner and to try to stay positive. Angry people sometimes calm down when they see that the other side stays composed and the last thing you want to happen during dinner in a public place is to turn into a yelling match. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you believe that the religion is a major part of the problem, have you though about telling them you could consider converting to your wife's faith? It doesn't have to be something you commit to but just considering it might put them a bit more at ease. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good idea if you expect other kind of issues during this meeting is to have some friends at the restaurant sitting on a different table, just having your back if there is a problem. That should help you remain calm in any case. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If things get unbearable and you cannot keep your calm, I would advise just leaving rather than engaging into the fight. Just say something like &quot;I hoped this meeting didn't end up like this&quot; get your wife and go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever plan you decide on, talk it over with your wife first so you are both on the same page and you stand united. Have a plan for certain situations ready so you don't lose time figuring out how to respond to them during that meeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T08:31:14.423" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18881" CreationDate="2018-09-27T08:41:41.353" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a time for a lengthy, well thought out argument, and equally there are times when it can be unhelpful to use that approach. In controlled debates where two speakers are given an amount of time to speak freely without questions, a person may have the time to carefully dismantle an opponent's position and show it to be incorrect or unhelpful, and then make their own point in whatever manner they feel is best. However, in less controlled situations such as open meetings where anybody is free to interject and speak over you if they wish, taking too long to make your point can be disastrous. You may begin to make a very good point but get interrupted and criticised over an incomplete statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're asking how to fight a clichéd argument, so naturally you probably don't want to resort to clichés yourself. Hopefully my suggestions below are not too clichéd, but my point is that a brief counter statement before you make any detailed argument is the best approach if you think that you may be interrupted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going to assume the example of a business context, where you have made an argument for improvement and somebody else is arguing to keep the business model as it is. The arguments could easily be adapted to other contexts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could counter such a statement with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;True, there are worse models than ours; but that should not be a reason for not wanting to improve and become one of the best. If we are neither the worst nor the best then we are mediocre.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Many of our competitors have programs of continuous improvement. If we do nothing, we will be left behind. If we are not moving forwards with everybody else, it is the same as going backwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Neither of these approaches directly attack the idea that &quot;there are better and there are worse&quot; or show that to be a fallacy, but rather they show that other external factors mean that refusing to change or improve is not viable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T09:40:12.633" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T09:40:12.633" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18886" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-27T09:00:50.983" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I say/do to kindly show Bob that I prefer to do these things for myself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Female poster here. I have encountered this situation, and these are the different steps that I usually take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Expressing my needs &lt;em&gt;clearly&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I've told him he didn't have to do this&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I've explained that I don't want him to feel the need to pay for my meal&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does not express the fact that you are not comfortable with the situation. It can be misinterpreted as &quot;You don't have to do this, but if you want to, please do&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying, unambiguously: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I have the means to pay for myself and would like to do so. Not paying for my meals makes me uncomfortable.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;will be enough for some colleagues. For the rest, see step 2.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. Explaining in detail why it is not OK&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are different reasons I used.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Having you pay for my meals makes me feel uncomfortable because:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;ul&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;it introduces an imbalance of power in our relationship if you always pay, it makes me in your debt, and that is not OK&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;since you do not do it for every colleague you eat with, it is favorable treatment, and thus not professional behavior. It could be misinterpreted at the office and I don't want it to start gossip.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;we can't have gallantry and gender equality, I'd rather have equality&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;  &lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this step, most people understand and stop it. That being said, I had some people answer that &quot;This is a matter of education&quot;, or &quot;You are not in my debt because I gladly do that for you without expecting anything&quot;, or &quot;It can't be misinterpreted because I am married&quot;, and for those cases, I offer point 3.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;3. Doing exactly the same thing they are doing&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, we are no longer in the &quot;nice part&quot; of the advice, but that actually worked really, really well on all extreme cases of people not taking no for an answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They rushed to open the door in front of me, I did the same and rushed to hold the door&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They insisted on paying for all meals, I jumped on occasions when they would go for a smoke or to the bathroom, and so forth to pay for the whole meal. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After a couple days, it made them really uncomfortable. One was feeling stupid making a scene each time I paid, one was just feeling in my debt and being uncomfortable about it, ... This is when I explained that this is the way they make me feel, and it usually made them stop. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, at the moment, haven't had one guy on which that last part did not work, but you have to stand your ground and be &lt;strong&gt;very firm about it&lt;/strong&gt;. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6304" LastEditorUserId="6304" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T12:47:42.800" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T12:47:42.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18887" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18881" CreationDate="2018-09-27T09:01:10.477" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question can be re-framed as being overcoming resistance to change. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience reasons include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The potential to be worse off as a result of the change&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Fear of the unknown&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Effort exceeding reward &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ego - it is someone else's idea&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When speaking about change, you should therefore frame the conversation around the benefits the change will bring, and describe the way in which the change will occur. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even ego can be overcome by seeding the idea in a conversation and then later referring to the conversation in terms of 'you know that idea we came up with last week'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the example you gave you asked the wrong question - you &lt;strong&gt;told&lt;/strong&gt; rather than &lt;strong&gt;sold&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An online search for 'overcoming resistance for change' will give you a wealth of information, although most of it is aimed at corporate change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22140" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T16:41:30.293" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T16:41:30.293" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18888" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18893" CreationDate="2018-09-27T09:25:45.683" Score="2" ViewCount="717" Body="&lt;p&gt;So there's this girl I was dating back in may I matched on Tinder. I was over that pretty quickly and I still don't have any romantic interest in her. At the time we were dating (and I'd bet long before that) she seemed to have a lot of personal problems, like anxiety and stuff like that. That's also the reason why we really couldn't get in touch romanticly at all. One time she even had something I' describe as a panic attack when we tried to go to a little festive (which she asked me to go there with her). I was really worried.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After our 3rd date she told me she can't date me anymore, she got so many problems going on in her life and doesn't wanna involve me into that. Haven't heard a single word from her since then. We &quot;broke up&quot; peacefully, I wished her the best for the future because I saw what she was going through while we dated. Broke up might not be the best expression to use, we casually dated for like 1,5 months. Nothing really happened physically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Found her Instagram a few days back randomly and was wondering how she's been and if she feels better now. Again, I don't want to date her again or something. That's over. I just felt like a little voice in my head telling me to message her and ask how she's been. I don't got her number anymore, so my approach would be right on her Instagram&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I do this without it being pretty awkward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="19868" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T11:01:07.083" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T11:01:07.083" Title="Approach former date online without making it awkward" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;online-relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18812" CreationDate="2018-09-27T10:19:49.687" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a wide range of answers already but if you believe it is due to romantic intent, I'd go directly to shutting that down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain that [gentlemanly actions] are things you only feel comfortable doing with a romantic partner and thus you don't want to continue them as you feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gentlemanly actions being stuff like, him paying, him opening the door etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would shut down any romantic play completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: To answer the comment below...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to know what the guy's intent is, and most likely in this situation it is because he harbours romantic feelings. Although the OP doesn't state this explicitly, I would assume it is as it's a common scenario especially with someone being so generous to another - the behaviours he exhibits are very unlikely to happen between two heterosexual males for example. His behaviours are therefore romantic in nature and the only way to stop him from performing such behaviours is to demonstrate that no romantic connection exists or is possible. Many other answers involve directly explaining the symptoms (the manifestations of his romantic intent), saying that they makes the person feel uncomfortable but this does not address the root cause. Without addressing the root cause the person will find other ways to express their romantic intent, and the problem will persist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore it is required to shut down the romantic intent, either directly or indirectly. The direct approach, akin to saying &quot;I like you but I am not attracted to you&quot; would result in hostility, because the guy has never explicitly stated romantic intent and therefore would be upset at the presumption. So an indirect approach would be better. However it needs to be an approach that leaves no room for things to change or for ambiguitiy, and also if there actually is no romantic intent doesn't jeopardise the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Therefore stating that you don't feel such gestures are appropriate outside of a romantic relationship, you have clearly stated there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; no romantic relationship or accord between the two of you. OP said not to use their own relationship status but I think it would help to add that in, by saying such gestures are appropriate outside of a romantic relationship like the one with my husband. This would help neuter the idea that a romantic relationship could possibly form in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also expresses the fact you're uncomfortable with any kind of gesture as opposed to stating which gestures are inappropriate directly, and doesn't use words like &lt;em&gt;I would prefer...&lt;/em&gt; which suggests there is some flexibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly it doesn't hurt the guy's feelings as much because you're not outright implying there is anything romantic going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7409" LastEditorUserId="7409" LastEditDate="2018-09-27T11:31:34.977" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T11:31:34.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18712" CreationDate="2018-09-27T10:21:06.917" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;While you can try to decipher his/her behaviour in order to see if he/she finds it annoying or not, you will never know unless you flat out ask &quot;Hey, I've noticed that I am always initiating conversations with you -- how come you don't contact me too? Sorry, it just crossed my mind and I got curious. :D&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people are also just bad at initiating contact and may very well enjoy conversating with you, but it has become a thing that you move first. It's very individualistic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T10:21:06.917" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18892" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18888" CreationDate="2018-09-27T10:39:26.740" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think it's a valid question; she broke up because she was/is going through a lot of personal problems and felt that she needed to focus on herself, because relationships take up a lot of emotional energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reaching out with a friendly &quot;Hey, I just saw you on Instagram and thought I'd catch up with you; how's life? :)&quot; is fine as long as she also wants to engage in conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T10:39:26.740" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18888" CreationDate="2018-09-27T10:46:33.993" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having had personal contact/friendships/relationships with people with anxiety and/or depression (usually both), I can assure you that from their perspective social interaction can be very difficult at times, but also something they crave at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Try to approach her as a friend, not an ex-lover&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means expressing that you care about her and want to know how she is doing. Since you mentioned there was no bad blood between the two of you, I do not see anything stopping a friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend you ask her how she's been. And that you follow up with asking about specific issues she mentioned while you were dating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No flirting, nothing ambigous, just plain honest care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you established contact and had a conversation, you could meet up for a coffee or something. Very casual, just a simple, nice hug for the start and see where it goes. See how much she is willing to share. If she blocks entirely, it is better not too keep poking, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;A side note:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, girls with an anxiety attack can not &amp;quot;be helped&amp;quot;. What you can do, what makes it significantly better from their perspective, is hold them. Whether it is a romantic/sexual partnership or just a friendship.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;The anxiety will not disappear, but it will not be as bad as if no one (they trust) was there at all. (The trust is a necessity, though.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes being there for her is all you can do and the only thing that makes it more bearable, even if it does not remove the anxiety.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22069" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T10:46:33.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18894" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18899" CreationDate="2018-09-27T11:11:59.877" Score="26" ViewCount="30107" Body="&lt;h1&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When my mom bakes a cake for us (whoever is at home but it's usually me, my little sister, my father and her), she uses eggs (which are not vegan), even if I will be there. How can I &lt;strong&gt;tell her&lt;/strong&gt; that I find it &lt;strong&gt;hurtful&lt;/strong&gt; to completely ignore the fact that I'm vegan, and thus can't eat the dessert?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm 23, I have been vegan for 2 years, I live in my parents' house (well, not the past 6 months but I'm moving in again). I often cook the meal or part of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom hates cooking (I hate it too). She also doesn't like that I'm vegan and would probably wish for me to &amp;quot;convert back&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the meal, there isn't a &amp;quot;main dish&amp;quot;, there is just vegetables and starchy cook separately from the meat to make the meal vegan for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she cooks something that needs milk/butter, she uses vegan alternatives but, if she needs eggs, she won't use the vegan alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I have tried&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I see that she is about to prepare a (non-vegan) cake, I ask her, why not use some maize starch(or some compote, depending) instead but she always told me &amp;quot;that's not how I learned to cook&amp;quot; or some similar excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, she will also say: if you aren't happy, you can cook. But the problem is, I do cook sometimes (just not cake) and I don't want to always have to do the cooking just because I'm the only vegan at home. Even though I know what to use as an alternative and would be able to tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't tell her (yet) that I found her hurtful because I wanted to avoid this (probably) difficult conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I &lt;strong&gt;communicate&lt;/strong&gt; to my mother that I find it &lt;strong&gt;hurtful&lt;/strong&gt; when she cooks for everyone but me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Notes and clarifications&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother does cook vegan stuff sometimes but only if she only needs to switch cow milk with rice milk. If it involves eggs, she won't switch ingredients.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When there are multiple things to eat, I don't really mind not eating something but when there is only one dessert, I do mind. Especially since this happens on a regular base (~ once per week).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please, don't tell me that I'm selfish. I just want to be able to enjoy a vegan cake the same way they enjoy the vegan meals that I make.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, I can't go out and buy a vegan cake, they're not readily available where I live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of answers suggest to teach her to cook vegan. This might work, but it might also not work: last time I tried, she just let me do the waffles on my own. So, I would be grateful for other solutions that do not involve cooking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If the dessert is vegan, everyone will happily eat it.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother usually cooks 2/4 of time, me 1/4 and my father 1/4. At least that's how I see things but everyone on the house probably has a different opinion on the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The cake is usually for the four of us (well, three of them since I can't eat it). If it's for guests, I mind less not being able to eat it (because it's not really for me, because I usually know in advance and because I can prepare/buy myself something else if needed).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people seem to think that I'm vegan for health reason, I'm really, &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; not. And the last time I tried to eat a not vegan cake, I didn't enjoy it because I felt guilty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Follow up&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have asked my mother to tell me every time she wants to use eggs in a recipe (so that I can jump in and use something else instead).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also printed and pinned on the fridge a summary table of what to use instead of eggs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, today, when my mother told me she wanted to make a pie using eggs, I jumped in and used Maizena instead (will she was cooking some other stuff). We didn't cook together but she mostly saw what I did and I hope that, if I do it often enough, she will start doing it by herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(but answers to help bring that issue with her are still very welcome if all this doesn't work)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notes and clarification&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would rather have the answer to &amp;quot;How to &lt;strong&gt;communicate&lt;/strong&gt; to my mother that I find it &lt;strong&gt;hurtful&lt;/strong&gt; when...&amp;quot; but people keep giving me answers to &amp;quot;how to have her cook vegan&amp;quot; so I used their solution in the hope that I won't need to &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;communicate&lt;/strong&gt; that I find it &lt;strong&gt;hurtful&lt;/strong&gt; when...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T12:24:11.930" Title="How to communicate to my mother that I find it hurtful when she cooks dessert for everyone except me who is vegan?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18895" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18881" CreationDate="2018-09-27T11:12:04.870" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is something you can say about anything. Anything can be better or worse. Pointing out that fact will make it obvious your interlocutor didn't use a real argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people use this kind of line precisely because they don't want to use an argument : they would rather not argue their disagreement. As such they simply use a blatant truth to close down on something you can agree with. It's up to you if you politely accept they dodge the debate, or if you feel they are getting away with it a bit too easily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the second case, you should try to dig their inner real reasons for disagreeing. So you can start by asking questions about their feeling about the matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A : I think that we should improve [something].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;B : Why do you want this ? You know, there is always better and worse, you should accept what we have now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A : There is always better and worse of anything. I thought my proposal was reasonable... what is the problem with improving [something] ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22143" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T11:12:04.870" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18896" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18877" CreationDate="2018-09-27T11:15:15.640" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;The base advice you would also get on &lt;a href=&quot;https://rpg.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;Role-playing Games SE&lt;/a&gt; is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Communication and honesty&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does not mean you sit in the game round and tell Jack he is arrogant and annoying. Jack is new to the group and has been introduced by Jill. You &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to talk to Jill about this. Not only is she the only one who wanted him in the group, but she is also the only one who cares if his feelings are hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to talk to her - as a group, not just you as the gm - &lt;em&gt;outside&lt;/em&gt; of the game. Tell her that the entire group does not like how the dynamic changed since Jack got introduced. Assure her that you would still like her to attend, but that Jack is not compatible with the group. Refrain from using insults or complaining, but do bring examples in which Jack disturbs the group dynamic.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You don't have to judge Jack, but talk about his behaviour as difficult for the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a solution with Jill. Make the suggestion that since he wanted his own group anyway, he still has a group with Jill. Try to suggest that it might be best if he left the group, but do not give her the feeling that he is just being kicked out and she has no say in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might not be a fun conversation, but if this keeps going your group will disperse. One person incompatible can easily ruin the fun for all players in the long run and no one will be in the mood to play anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22069" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T11:15:15.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18894" CreationDate="2018-09-27T11:28:17.530" Score="253" Body="&lt;h3&gt;You are asking for something extra&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is perfectly fine to be vegan. But if there is a bunch of people to be cooked for, demanding a change of meals because of the wishes of one would be &lt;em&gt;requiring something extra&lt;/em&gt;. Just because you &lt;strong&gt;choose&lt;/strong&gt; not to eat something, does not mean everyone else is fine going with that and also not having that for family dinner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the comments and edits I read that your mother seems to have very little knowledge about vegan replacement products and prefers to cook &amp;quot;how she learned it&amp;quot;. It might simply be that she is used to that and insecure about such replacement products, which is why she does not use them on her own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to note this, as it makes a major difference. You want some additional effort to be made for you. &lt;em&gt;This can be fine, but you need to be mindful of specifically that to not act entitled towards her.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Communication - the difficult part&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have two options, either &lt;strong&gt;avoiding the issue&lt;/strong&gt; (which you stated is not your longterm goal, but where you are at currently) or, in my opinion, &lt;strong&gt;simply being direct&lt;/strong&gt;. You are feeling hurt that your mother does not cater to your wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your goal is to communicate your feelings then you have to &lt;strong&gt;be direct and honest&lt;/strong&gt;. Tell her directly without beating around the bush that you feel left out. If you feel insecure about how the conversation might go then think to yourself about who your mother is. From what you have edited into the question and said in the comments she is probably a nice person and is not intent on hurting you.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Probably the worst that could happen is her being dismissive of it at first, which would mean you have to keep pushing.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Talk to her that you would appreciate a change of behaviour in this regard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you talk to her make sure not to say something that feels like you are blaming her, because then she will think of you being entitled for extra effort. You should go about it by focussing on you feeling left out and that you would appreciate her letting you help her cook so you have a common meal and you do not have to cook an extra serving for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your mom has learned vegan cooking with your help she is definitely more likely to apply it in the future. Because then she has the tools and the knowledge of how important that is for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always find an honest approach to be preferable, you will not get your point across by distracting with something else that might be easier to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22069" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-07T09:26:22.433" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18894" CreationDate="2018-09-27T12:32:44.997" Score="121" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Originally commented on a different answer, but I want to flesh this out into a full response -&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unlike other answers, I don't believe your primary choice is to just accept this as what it is and move on.  However, I &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; think that a monologue about how she's making you feel is going to make her &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; likely to accommodate you.  If anything, approaching people with &quot;&lt;em&gt;I feel slighted by your behavior&lt;/em&gt;&quot; usually makes people less likely to work with you.  That's why, in the following paragraphs, &lt;strong&gt;I'm going to explain a more subtle way to express to your mother that you want to change the current norm, without making her feel under attack&lt;/strong&gt; (which will increase your odds of success).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key thing to remember here is that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; chose to be vegan and take on all responsibilities that come with it: giving up certain foods, buying special (sometimes expensive) substitute ingredients, learning how to cook with these substitutes, etc.  Unsurprisingly, your mom had no say in the matter.  For someone who doesn't like to cook, the fact that she does make &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; vegan meals for you (aside from cake) &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; an important indicator that she &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; trying to accommodate for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of pitting the cake issue as you vs your mom, view it as a moment where you need to be a teacher.  You've said that your mom doesn't like to cook. As someone else who doesn't like to cook, I'm going to run on an assumption based on how I'd feel about learning to cook a common recipe with new, unfamiliar ingredients: &lt;strong&gt;Stressed&lt;/strong&gt;.  Learning how to do something you already &lt;em&gt;don't enjoy&lt;/em&gt; in a different way can be overwhelming.  This is your moment to &lt;em&gt;teach&lt;/em&gt; that it isn't as big of a stress as it needs to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Invite yourself to cook a vegan cake with your mom&lt;/strong&gt;.  I'd recommend approaching it by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I've been upset that I haven't been able to eat any of the cake, but I understand that learning to cook specifically for my diet can feel like a big task.  Would I be able to cook the next cake with you, and I can show you that it's actually pretty easy to substitute eggs for _____?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's important about your approach, which you'll see above, is that you &lt;strong&gt;come at your mom from an understanding angle&lt;/strong&gt; while still &lt;strong&gt;expressing that you've been impacted by being left out from the eating of dessert&lt;/strong&gt;.  This is as far as I recommend going into your feelings with your mother.  Once you've made this gesture of acknowledgement about &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; feelings, it'll increase the likelihood that she'll listen to you and accept your offer to show her how to make a vegan cake, because you're coming from an area of compromise and mutual acknowledgement.  &lt;strong&gt;Remain prepared that you may still need to compromise, the cake may still not always be vegan&lt;/strong&gt; (maybe others still want the egg-y cake sometimes or it's just more convenient for your mom)... but this will be a start to reducing the amount of stress she feels by accommodating for a diet she did not choose and isn't used to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If she declines your offer&lt;/strong&gt;, I'd take the opportunity to ask her why she doesn't want to learn.  Express that you feel really left out and miss being able to enjoy her cake, and that you'd like to know why she won't compromise with you.  Unfortunately if there's nothing you can do to help console her reasons, at this point you may just have to accept that she is unwilling to budge about learning this new cooking skillset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;All parties involved in this situation feel what they feel - selfish, rude, or otherwise.  The best way to bridge this problem is with understanding and attempting to find a compromise, with emphasis and focus on OP and their mother, as asked in the question.  Let's focus on positive suggestions and bridging the gap instead of criticizing OP's feelings.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T17:07:04.890" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T17:07:04.890" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18877" CreationDate="2018-09-27T14:24:16.983" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk to Jill, not to Jack. Come as one.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that Jack is not going to last, he isn't your friend, and that nobody cares about his feeling. Just to make it clear : don't talk to Jack about the situation. There is no need to make an uncomfortable situation out of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to talk to Jill, and you need to come as one. She has to know that it's not just you, but the whole group who can't handle Jack's behaviour any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We have been talking with the group and...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is really important because it shows that you guys all agree on it, so you are not being a princess, and more importantly, &lt;strong&gt;it shows you care about her feelings: you had the thoughtfulness to speak with your other friends before won't hurt her&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be gentle, but be direct.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't get along because he is an idiot. She doesn't need to know that Jack is an idiot, just that you don't get along. Do not spit on Jack behind his back, your friend Jill doesn't need that. You guys have more fun when Jack is away, that's all. Worst case scenario is that she takes it personnally and leaves the group, but imho, &lt;strong&gt;she already knows you don't like him&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6136" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T14:24:16.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18907" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18874" CreationDate="2018-09-27T18:04:04.497" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I decide to write this as an answer although it perhaps istn't really a new one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your wife arranged that ask her about the general mood you will probably face there. Discuss why this should be a good idea if they kicked her out because of you and hate you enough to talk about killing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If things still are the way you described them, then probably the woman (or the parents) expect to find reasons why you are the wrong partner for her daughter. And maybe reasons why it was a good idea to kick her daughter out. Do you really think this could repair a relation? If I had to bet if this brings you together or escalates - I'd bet for escalation...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing you need is recreate the bonds between your wife and her parents. She must do that on her own, without you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Picking up properties doesn't require a dinner. If it really is only about picking up things, I recommend her to go there with one or two other people to help carry things, but &lt;strong&gt;not with you&lt;/strong&gt; if they hate you in every aspect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T18:04:04.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18874" CreationDate="2018-09-27T18:56:25.783" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recommend looking into how to respond to and handle emotional abuse, in general. My personal experience with a narcissist has taught me several things how to handle situations like these. I think the best one overall is the grey rock method.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The Grey Rock Method&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid the mother-in-law making drama or taking &amp;quot;digs&amp;quot; at you (chipping at your self esteem, passive-aggressive insults, etc) you have to become a &lt;em&gt;Grey Rock&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A Grey Rock person basically is just that. An uninteresting person, that doesn't respond in the way that the abuser/narcissist wishes them to. For example, if your mother in law starts making snide comments or saying things related to her religion that she holds over your head, you respond neutrally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom-in-law: Huh, what church you go to? I don't think it's as great as mine!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you're probably thinking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I don't like that statement....&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What comes out of your mouth:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ah, yeah.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other responses you can use, depending on context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yeah.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to note that you have to control your emotions here. If you and/or your wife are empathic people, it will be difficult. (I am an empath, and it's really, really hard!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, you want to give her &lt;strong&gt;ZERO&lt;/strong&gt; negative energy that she can feed off of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can absolutely enjoy your day. Keep in mind that she has NO control over you and your wife if you &lt;strong&gt;do not let her&lt;/strong&gt;. If you let her affect your emotions and reactions, you've given her a step stool.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;The Grey Rock Method&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the source, more examples if you want to read further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do have to talk to them, stick to tedious subjects like the weather. If they ask questions, give short, uninspiring answers that can’t possibly lead to further conversation.&#xA;They ask, “how are you?” and you respond “fine, thanks.”&#xA;They ask, “what did you do at the weekend?” and you respond “I did my laundry and mowed the lawn.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they respond with “you’ve become boring,” just nod and smile in agreement (they don’t have to know that you disagree wholeheartedly with that statement).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple yes and no will suffice where appropriate, but sometimes you won’t want to commit to an answer if it means giving an opinion. In these cases a non-binding “hmmmm,” “maybe,” or “we’ll see” will do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never talk about your personal life, even the smallest details. They will hook their claws into any morsel of information you provide and use it to try and further the conversation and extract narcissistic supply from you. They want to know what you value in your life now. They envy what you have (regardless of what it is), and if they can’t have it, they will seek to take it from you somehow. Don’t give them the chance; remain secretive about your new life without them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never tell them how well you are doing (as much as it might please you to rub their noses in it). Remember, they are driven by their egos, and any suggestion that you are better off without them or that they are in some way inferior to you will be seen as an affront to their identity. They see themselves as above everyone else in every regard, and if you imply that you are doing better than they are, it will enrage them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-27T18:56:25.783" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18881" CreationDate="2018-09-27T20:01:56.943" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I might have missed that in other answers. You need to provide reasons why something needs to be done. &quot;If it works, don't break it&quot; principle is very important. You have to say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if we're not going to change that, then we will suffer X, Y, Z consequences&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At best, translate it into business value:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We need better backup strategy, or we'll lose data and possibly thousands of dollars&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main reason why that is a good course of action, is that any change has associated costs. You need to invest time and other resources into design, and implementation of your proposal. This cost must be offset by some benefit to the organization. This principle works on all levels:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;multi-national corporations: we need today new printers that don't jam paper. Current printers jam paper every hour, stalling 1 worker for 10 min every day. Average salary is $30/hr, or $5/10 min, which turns to be at least $1000 lost a year. New printer will cost like $500&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;close circle of friends: we need to go to another place for dinner. This is because people on Yelp say they felt sick afterwards. I don't want to risk even tiny chance of that, it is not worth it to me&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastEditorUserId="11991" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T10:32:16.553" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T10:32:16.553" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18915" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-27T21:29:27.203" Score="2" ViewCount="402" Body="&lt;p&gt;I regularly notice a loved one's bad posture while they are using their computer.  It's at the point where I am concerned about the long term health of their back and spine.  What would be a good way to bring it up?  I have a feeling simply pointing it out or telling them to straighten up won't lead to any noticeable results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22173" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T12:13:01.053" Title="How to point out a loved one's posture at the computer?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18918" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18881" CreationDate="2018-09-28T00:12:13.937" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the first thing you should do is look at &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; this is a counter to your argument.  Your argument is in the form of &quot;I think we should expend energy in this way.&quot;  Their argument is &quot;Why expend energy at all?&quot;  The reason this counters your argument is that it's a valid question.  If you seek their help in accomplishing a goal, you should at least be able to argue that what you are going after is &quot;better than nothing.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would not treat this as a counter to your argument.  I'd treat this as an opportunity to sell them on the value of your idea.&lt;/strong&gt;  They've set their bar at &quot;convince me that your idea is better than no idea at all.&quot;  Merely proving this will bring them back to the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You ask for a general solution to this one, and there isn't one.  You will never find one universal solution to this which magically brings the discussion back to where you want it to be.  &lt;strong&gt;Discussions are not one sided.  You need to tailor your argument to the individual.  What are their goals?  Their aspirations?  Why is it worth it to them to spend the energy to discuss the topic, much less actually act on any results that come from that discussion?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will need to connect with them at this level.  If you cannot connect with them at this level, it is unlikely that you will be able to connect with them at a higher level later on in the discussion.  If it's your boss using this argument, understand what tasks are on his plate.  Nothing sells a boss faster than convincing him or her that you can do their job for them.  If its your significant other, an argument like this likely points to them being tired of you forming arguments about what improvements need to be made.  If its a parental figure, they may be testing you, to see what you do next.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's the President of the United States that you're talking to, you might take his position literally -- POTUS's time is worth quite a lot.  Your topic may actually not be worth their discussion time.  You may want to go find a lower cabinet member to talk with first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In all of these cases, the correct way to resolve this challenge is founded in your relationship with the individual.  Start there first.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="486" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T00:12:13.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18919" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18986" CreationDate="2018-09-28T02:07:10.433" Score="7" ViewCount="999" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I've known this girl as a stranger for years and this past week we actually interacted and chatted for an hour.  She told me a lot about herself, and expressed interest in hanging out the next time we're at the program that we see each other at (which meets once a week).  I could see this person becoming a friend that I won't regret the time I spend with her, except for one thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it became relevant to our conversation, she told me that she was ADHD and had &quot;some Asperger's&quot;.  She was very open about these things, which I was glad about because it allowed me to ask some clarifying questions about how the conditions affected her.  When I got home I did some research on Asperger's and found that a lot of what she told me about herself and the manner in which she said it was represented in the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The only thing that I found hard to work around about the interaction was that she rarely asked questions of me and when she did, she did not give me much time to fully answer before she interrupted&lt;/strong&gt; with a (long) comment of her own. (I asked a lot of questions about her because I was genuinely interested to learn about her life.)  But aside from this, I think she's decently socially aware.  There are pauses in our conversation and I usually ask a question related to what we were talking about or one about a different subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm also not sure how well she does paying attention to and discussing deeper and more involved topics (e.g.* how people work/their motives, psychology, the theory behind personality types, highly sensitive people [HSPs]).  If she can't talk about stuff on that level, then I question how well my time is being spent and will probably rather do work on my laptop which I will have to get done anyway.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;*All of which I am extremely interested in and like to do research on in my free time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, I don't think that this is a good way to establish a &lt;em&gt;mutually satisfying&lt;/em&gt; friendship.  Ideally, a mutually satisfying (rather than sufficient) friendship would consist of both parties discussing topics that they both enjoy exploring and both representing about 45-65% of the words spoken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other Relevant Details&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She is deeply interested in Minecraft (I read that people with&#xA;Asperger's tend to be deeply interested in narrow topics) and I have&#xA;never played and have no interest to begin.  So our topics of common&#xA;interest are sparse.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;She also has stomach problems, so she spends most of her day on the couch (doing school or playing Minecraft).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We are in high school and I am a senior and she is a freshman.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to pursue a friendship with this girl, but I would like to talk about the things that interest me as well, not just about her.  &lt;strong&gt;QUESTION: Is there a way that I can get her to let me talk during our conversations and steer it towards less superficial things?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11873" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-23T20:57:26.473" LastActivityDate="2018-11-23T20:57:26.473" Title="How to get a friend with Asperger's to engage in more of a mutual conversation" Tags="&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18921" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-28T05:07:01.563" Score="4" ViewCount="519" Body="&lt;p&gt;I considered putting this question into the Travel stackexchange but this issue feels like it's more to do with interpersonal skills and communication than actually travelling. I'm happy for it to be moved if necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put it briefly, I have a particular, very uncommon phobia which happens to overlap with a food that's considered a delicacy in many countries. I've found myself in a number of situations where I have to turn down high quality, expensive food because I simply can't bring myself to put it in my mouth, and I'm worried that this comes off as rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm very adventurous when it comes to new foods and more than happy to try something new, but this food is the one exception for me. Unfortunately it's common enough that it comes up from time to time, but not &lt;em&gt;so&lt;/em&gt; common that I can simply avoid any restaurant that might serve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ordinarily it would be simple enough to explain that it's due to a phobia I have, but this is a much bigger issue when travelling in countries where my hosts might have limited, if any, English-speaking skills, and come from a culture that might be less sensitive when it comes to mental health issues. In these cases my hosts may end up pressuring me to try this food, because I 'might like it', but though I hate to, I still have to refuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This happened last time I travelled, when my hosts invited me out for a big family dinner with about 10 other people, and I had to turn down the feature dish. The people around me seemed quite confused and perhaps a little hurt that I didn't want to partake. I'm travelling again soon and, being a bit of a foodie, have plans to eat at a number of high-end restaurants, but I'm worried about this coming up and that I'll offend the chef.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried steps to manage my phobia over the last few years and have come a long way. It's a lot milder than it used to be but eating the things that trigger it is still not something I can do, and may never be. I'm worried that if I did just suck it up and try it I would end up vomiting and causing a significantly worse situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously learning the local word for 'phobia' would be a start, but I'm not sure how effective this is. Is there a universally-applicable way that I can tactfully refuse this food if it's put in front of me without seeming rude? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20976" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T06:43:01.700" Title="How can I explain a phobia when travelling to a non-English speaking country?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;eating&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18921" CreationDate="2018-09-28T05:23:34.507" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know what the food is, but let's say it's shrimp. You are free to say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I cannot eat shrimp.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people have religious restrictions, others are allergic, and others have a terrible memory associated with the last time they ate it. In general, asking you why is rude, but it may happen. You are not obliged to explain. In fact, a long talk about how disgusting it is and how you start to gag etc is likely to &quot;yuck someone's yum&quot; and put the others off their meal. So say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to get into the details, I just can't eat it. But I have no problem watching you all enjoy it so please, go ahead!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone says to you &quot;but you might like it&quot; they are trying to be nice. So you want to be nice when you tell them they are wrong:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thankyou, I wish I would. Trust me, I know from other times that I cannot eat it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can then repeat your end-the-discussion point like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am fine not eating it, please, everyone go ahead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to smile. You are happy to be here. You are not upset that one of the things on offer is something you can't eat. You are pleased that your hosts care about the food that is available to you. Reassure them about that with your expression. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T05:23:34.507" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18923" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18924" CreationDate="2018-09-28T05:59:51.613" Score="-2" ViewCount="535" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m asking this because, now I’m Romania, our high school principal made those who are grade 12 to start class from 8-9AM. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My major problem is when it comes for me to wake up on 8:00AM, so I end up being late because I don't have time to get ready.  Last year in high school, we used to start at 13:00PM.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But here’s another problem. Our principal no longer allows us to enter in class other than from 9:00AM or 8:00AM. And because of this rule, we are marked absent when late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My question is:&lt;/strong&gt; How can I ask all my classmates to come with me and  ask our principal to change the time table? How can I determine which other classmates will join me?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13918" LastEditorUserId="18594" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T07:03:30.903" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T07:03:30.903" Title="How can I ask all my classmates to do as I want to do?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-09-28T08:09:27.070" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18924" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18923" CreationDate="2018-09-28T06:41:30.793" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In college my classmates and I were very unhappy with our professor's ability to teach so we planned to go to the Dean and request a change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a little confused on what you mean by ask, if you mean privately or publicly, so I'll give a suggestion for both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Publicly: When you and your colleagues are alone, just get their view on the change. If they see it as a problem as well plan a time to go to the principle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What we ended up doing&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Privately: We ended up making a GroupMe(any group messaging app would work) and passed a note with information on how to join(you could also add your reason on the note) while in class. Then when everyone connects, you can discuss your plans to meet the principle. This can keep you anonymous if you like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3231" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T06:41:30.793" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18925" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18921" CreationDate="2018-09-28T06:43:01.700" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;If the communication by spoken language is the main problem, you might go with a white lie that is easier to express than the concept of phobia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them you cannot eat this for medical reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If broken english is spoken, you can go with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My doctor says &quot;do not eat this&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you must communicate more by gestures than by language, with any luck the word &quot;doctor&quot; is still understood by your hosts. Point to the food, make a gesture of eating it, say &quot;Doctor says no&quot; and do the general gesture for &quot;no&quot; (like shaking your head or waving a finger in front of you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you make your hosts understand that you will absolutely not eat this food and &lt;strong&gt;it's not because they've failed you&lt;/strong&gt; in any way or you're trying to be rude. In some cultures where hospitality and pleasing manners are highly valued, this is a widely accepted way of saying &quot;I don't want to eat this for whatever reason&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T06:43:01.700" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18928" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18931" CreationDate="2018-09-28T07:44:56.627" Score="41" ViewCount="44563" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is there an etiquette for asking if there are certain things a person does not want or cannot eat? If I cook for a group of people, is it on them to tell me about it, or do I ask them? If it's on me to ask, how can I do that without implying they have i.e. health issues?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The diet could be because of many things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Religion&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A choice they made (vegan / vegetarian)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Allergies / Health issues &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I'm from Belgium :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="314" LastEditorUserId="314" LastEditDate="2018-10-01T07:25:02.703" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T13:37:50.973" Title="What is the etiquette for asking whether someone has a special diet" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;eating&gt;" AnswerCount="10" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18929" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18928" CreationDate="2018-09-28T07:48:41.840" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;People I know who organize foodstuffs for events that attract lots of people with lots of different food related wishes have taken to calling the collection of this &quot;Culinary handicaps&quot;, although it might depend on the setting whether or not people enjoy a description like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably &quot;dietary requirements&quot; is a safer way to put it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I'm not sure whether this is on topic for interpersonal skills, though. It sounds more like an English Language Learners question. Or maybe a Cooking one.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T07:48:41.840" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18930" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18928" CreationDate="2018-09-28T08:36:52.040" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally it is on them to tell you, but it is nice of you to ask. Asking shows that you care about their needs and special requirements and I don't believe anyone would find it as rude or awkward or as an implication of a disease. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good idea is to ask before hand if anyone has any dietary restrictions so you can plan food for them and not during the meeting when all the food is already prepared. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T08:36:52.040" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18931" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18928" CreationDate="2018-09-28T08:46:30.110" Score="82" Body="&lt;p&gt;The etiquette is for people with dietary restrictions to tell the host about it beforehand.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;But it happens that these people forget to tell the host, and to prevent awkward situations at the dinner table, it is perfectly fine (very nice and accommodating even) as a host to ask the group for dietary restrictions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To prevent such a question from being awkward or implying anything, the host can pose the question to the whole group and not single people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking something in the lines of this is perfectly fine:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Are there any dietary restrictions I should be aware of?&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Please let me know by [day X] if there are any dietary restrictions, so I can prepare accordingly.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt; ask for specific restrictions, like &quot;Should I use low-fat ingredients?&quot; as this is exactly how you imply they have (health) issues. Let &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; tell &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; if they have specific requests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-01T13:37:50.973" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T13:37:50.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18932" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18928" CreationDate="2018-09-28T08:53:01.300" Score="15" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Asking&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking is better than waiting for them to tell you, since there's a number of reasons why they may &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; tell you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may slip their mind, they may think you already know, or they may assume there will be something to accommodate their requirements anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you ask, you show your willingness to accommodate their dietary restrictions and you show that you care enough to ask. This might convince someone who is hesitant to accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;How to Ask&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When cooking for a group of people, ask it right in the invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned above, it shows right off the bat that you're willing to accommodate them and showing that you're a good host.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, by putting it in the invitation, you're asking in general. If you're afraid that asking personally might imply anything, here's your chance to avoid that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T08:53:01.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18933" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-09-28T09:03:14.543" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T09:03:14.543" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T09:03:14.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18934" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-09-28T09:03:14.543" Score="0" Body="Use this tag on questions where queueing is an important part of the questions; not for questions about something that just happens to happen in a queue." OwnerUserId="146" LastEditorUserId="146" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T09:03:14.543" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T09:03:14.543" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18866" CreationDate="2018-09-28T09:29:17.493" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, after recognising that this man has sexually harrassed you, abused his position as an older authority figure over, and shown himself to be untrustworthy by desiring to cheat on his wife, you still want &quot;guidance&quot; from him? You don't say what this &quot;guidance help&quot; is, but I am presuming it is some kind of tuition or something that will help you in the next stage of your life/career.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very difficult to answer your question as asked - how to still get help from this man - when nearly everybody who reads your account will be totally disgusted at his behaviour. My natural inclination is to tell you to get as far away from him as possible and have no further dealings with him. There is no excuse in any culture for what he has done or tried to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you may be aware, the media right now is absolutely full of &quot;historical&quot; cases of sexual harrassment and abuse, many of which were committed against young women by older men who in some way had a measure of control over their careers, for example young actresses who were coerced into sexual activity by film directors and felt they couldn't say no in case it hurt their future prospects. The point to remember is that in many of these cases the young girls &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; go along with the coersion at the time but are speaking up about it now because they have spent so many years troubled about it, some to the point of blaming it for long-term mental health problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because we aren't here to tell you what to do, the questions you have to ask yourself are:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you really need this man's help so badly you are prepared to put yourself in danger?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Would you be able to ensure your safety in his company?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Could you live with the potential damage to your emotional and mental health for the rest of your life if something preventable did happen to you?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As he has already blamed you for the exchanges that took place, would further contact with him not damage your reputation and your friendship with his neice?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't answer all these questions positively then &lt;strong&gt;seek the help of someone else you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; trust&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If &lt;em&gt;and only if&lt;/em&gt; you can be sure of those things and you absolutely insist on getting help from him, could you complete your exchanges remotely, for example entirely by email? If so, keep your emails completely professional and do not address anything inappropriate he may raise so that your emails can never be shown to anybody else out of context.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you must be in his company to receive this help, take a chaperone every time you meet, or meet in a public place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T12:54:05.027" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T12:54:05.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18936" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15971" CreationDate="2018-09-28T09:44:04.043" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Get the PfA involved more. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.peopleforanimalsindia.org/animal-birth-control.php&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;PfA India actually advocates Animal Birth Control (ABC)&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your neighbour is now against you and feels she needs to protect &quot;her&quot; dogs against you. But she feels the PfA is on her side. She may not listen to you, but might listen to the PfA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know what she has told PfA exactly. So call PfA and explain the situation yourself. Emphasise that while your neighbour means well, what she does may not be in the dogs' best interests. That the dogs haven't been sterilised. That the dogs may be fed, but still malnourished because the food they get lacks vital ingredients.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The PfA may be able to mediate between you and your neighbour as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="146" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T09:44:04.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18937" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18938" CreationDate="2018-09-28T09:59:52.427" Score="22" ViewCount="5294" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I met a girl on a dating site. We were talking a bit for few days. But last Saturday, both of us were feeling down, so we decided to meet for a walk on our first date, and later we went to my place, and cuddled (no sex), and fall asleep together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think she liked me and probably want a proper relationship. But I felt I didn't like her that much, mostly because of her personality (I find her very different from me, and not the type of person I am looking for). She is also bit bigger than me (in weight), so that also a partly reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to ask her to be friend (even just platonic) because both of us suffer from loneliness, and together we can help each-other in a foreign country (both of us are expats).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I ask her if she like to be just friends without hurting her feelings. I have no good excuse that won't hurt her. Good chances are I will make her feel insecure about her weight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22190" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T10:12:00.470" LastActivityDate="2018-09-29T16:35:43.883" Title="Asking someone you met on a dating site to be friend, because you didn't like them enough to date" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18937" CreationDate="2018-09-28T10:23:52.533" Score="33" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she is interested in you romantically, you &lt;strong&gt;can not&lt;/strong&gt; make her your friend without hurting her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did not specify how well you know one another, but I am guessing not that well. Then it is not that bad, as it is unlikely that she is truly in love with you or something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Honesty without being rude is the way to go.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to be honest and direct about how you did not feel a spark to fire up a relationship, but you did like her and would want to spend time with her. This will, of course, hurt her a little if she wanted your relationship to go further than just friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important part is not talking around it and make it sound like a &amp;quot;maybe&amp;quot;, but to be direct. If you give her hope that you are going to crush later, you are being cruel. It is important not to give false hope.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;There are two basic ways this can go down:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is hurt and does not want to spend time with you - If that is her reaction when you are honest and friendly, it was unavoidable that her feelings got hurt.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is a little hurt, but likes you enough to want to meet you in the future again.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@JackAidley pointed out, that there are two more options I completely forgot about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She feels the same way and is glad of the outcome&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's actually just not interested&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In those options her feelings are not hurt, though.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Option 4 would then only potentially hurtful to you, depending on your stance on things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;You need to steer clear of mentioning her appearance&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is likely to be insecure about her appearance, do not mention it at all. If she wants you to elaborate on why you do not want to be with her, talk about how you think your personalities are not compatible for that. But it would be best to avoid that, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear that you like her and would like to spend time with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;A personal note:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend not to start anything sexual in a situation like this, if she agrees to being friends. I she suffers from loneliness, too, as you said, then it could help her, but it could also turn into a dependency thing or an almost-relationship (which would be similar to giving false hope).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way I see something sexual being okay is if there is in-depth communication about what both of you want from the relationship and find an agreement. That is the best way to prevent hurt feelings on both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22069" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T21:04:48.913" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18928" CreationDate="2018-09-28T10:38:14.763" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since there is no location tag, I'll answer from a Dutch perspective. You say: &quot;Do you have a special diet?&quot;. Simple as that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone will understand why the question is asked (the reasons you already summed up) and will also understand such things can not be seen from the outside. Nobody will take offense in this, as they are asked this same question every time the eat with strangers, whether it's in a restaurant or as a guest in peoples home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, if someone would take offense, it would be them that broke etiquette, as such a question is considered harmless, polite and expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Come to think of it, I should add that &lt;em&gt;not asking the question&lt;/em&gt; might get you some raised eyebrows from people. Restaurants will normally provide the needed information in their menu's, but in a private setting you are more or less expected to ask beforehand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21207" LastEditorUserId="21207" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T10:50:32.177" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T10:50:32.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18937" CreationDate="2018-09-28T10:48:26.190" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would be honest (as friends should be honest with each other) with her and say that while you do not see yourself getting involved romantically with her, you would love to be her friend because you enjoy her company. You do not have to mention that she is heavier than you; just point out that you are looking for someone more like yourself personality-wise. Then just ask her how she feels and take it from there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T10:48:26.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18919" CreationDate="2018-09-28T11:03:28.920" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If she has asperger's and ADHD, she may not realize that she interrupts you to keep talking, because it is fun to share your interests and her mind races as you talk. One of the many challenges of having aspergers is understanding social interactions and the element of give-and-take while talking to someone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest letting her know that you would like to finish talking before she interrupts you, such as: &quot;I've noticed that you often interrupt me when I am talking; I would like to finish my sentence first. Is it OK if I remind you when you do that?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will also have to adress the fact that you would like to talk about subjects that are a little less superficial, but depending on her personality, she may not want to do that at all. It is going to require a discussion between the two of you to figure it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T11:03:28.920" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18944" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18915" CreationDate="2018-09-28T12:13:01.053" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone that spend a lot of time on the screen and have an horrible posture, I want to say that it is not that simple to realize that you have a bad posture, especially when you're young (because you may just not care).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What hurted me was picture taken from the side by my mom, she showed me how bad I was stading and how bad I was looking. No one wants to looks like a &quot;?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking picture of someone, even a loved one can be invasive, so I think that you should tell him that you noticed that he has a bad posture and ask him if he is okay to be photograped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, tell him what he can do to improve his posture because showing a problem without proposing any solution won't help. You can say that a physiotherapist or an ergonomic chair may help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conclusion, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just said that &lt;strong&gt;you care about him&lt;/strong&gt;, let him know that &lt;strong&gt;you will be there&lt;/strong&gt; for him, that because &lt;strong&gt;you love him&lt;/strong&gt;, you &lt;strong&gt;don't want him to suffer&lt;/strong&gt; in any manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3837" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T12:13:01.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18928" CreationDate="2018-09-28T12:15:53.490" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is a variety of vegetarians, there are many health problems, there are diets for ethical reasons or just feeling better, there are many people that simply don't like certain food. This happens everywhere and it is absolutely not odd to ask for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I recommend to &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; talk about &quot;diet&quot;, &quot;requirement&quot;, &quot;restriction&quot; or other terms that could imply certain problems. These words make your question sound like &quot;hey some of you are overweight or look ill...&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You don't want to sound like a medication's instruction leaflet? Then simply avoid such terms.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me (middle Europe) using those phrases shows too much of prediction about a person. Let me show two example questions and what I could think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Are you on diet or restricted?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not everyone is. What's up with me to think I am? Do I look overweight or ill?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or: I really am. Why do they point it out this way? I feel &quot;caught&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or: I simply don't like X - but if I tell that now they might think I have one of those problems.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Do you eat everything or do you have special wishes?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Some people don't like everything, this question takes care of that - fine. But hey I am fine with whatever I get.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or: please no pork for me. I don't explain that further and the question doesn't point into any direction.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or: Coffe without sugar for me. Nobody knows if I am on diet or if I simply don't like it so sweet.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastEditorUserId="13264" LastEditDate="2018-09-29T07:18:13.183" LastActivityDate="2018-09-29T07:18:13.183" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18948" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18950" CreationDate="2018-09-28T13:37:21.240" Score="5" ViewCount="1533" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My one childhood friend asking me for marriage. He is my very good friend. I want to say him 'No' for marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Few months before, I have seen a guy on Facebook in recommended friends' list and recognized him immediately that we were together since 1st to 12th standard. We again became friends. After some days, He asked me for marriage as he is also single. I have not yet answered him anything. But the issue is my expectations about my life partner are different. He does not suit in these expectations. Although he is well educated and well settled but he has a health issue. My parents said &quot;Deny his proposal&quot;. I have to listen to my parents and also I myself don't want to marry with him. I would have denied easily his marriage proposal if he would not have been good friend of mine. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He is my good friend since childhood. He is very serious and sensitive kind of person. I would like him to remain as a good friend only. I am thinking that he should not get hurt when I will say 'No' to him for marriage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't understand, How to say 'No' to him for marriage so that he will not get hurt?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T17:21:02.163" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T17:21:02.163" Title="How can I say &quot;No&quot; to a best friend asking for Marriage?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18949" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18808" CreationDate="2018-09-28T14:07:24.357" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; while I attempt to answer this question, I realize that this topic is extremely sensitive for many.&#xA;I apologize in advance to any that will feel offended by my words, it is definitely not my intention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just coming back now and realizing a crucial miswording in my question! My wife, children, &lt;em&gt;and I&lt;/em&gt; left the church years ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, since this has been cleared, I would have a fundamental &lt;strong&gt;frame challenge&lt;/strong&gt; for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Losing my bedrock of faith, confronting my mortality, and losing the possibility of an afterlife with my own family was challenging and heart wrenching.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I cannot bear the discord of my children singing to a crowd a song extolling an afterlife that this religion teaches they can never have a part in because of their family's lack of belief.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reading this it seems to me that you were (and are to this day) not convinced of your choice, and somehow you feel guilty for taking your kids away from the church.&#xA;Personally I would try to resolve this before going any further with your request of changing songs.&#xA;(I focus on you because you have not mentioned what your wife thinks/feels)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would then pose to you the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if you (and your family) don't believe in an afterlife, you have lost nothing, as the lack of afterlife is for everyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if you (and your family) still believe in an afterlife, given the age of your kids, nothing prevents them from possibly joining again the church one day and be forgiven (and thus re-join that afterlife you consider &amp;quot;lost&amp;quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, letting your children participate into the song would not be a problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if you (and your family) don't believe in an afterlife, the children are simply singing along some fairy tale (that the rest of your extended family believes to be very real)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;if you (and your family) still believe in an afterlife, the children are singing about something you also believe (although possibly in a different way from the rest of your extended family)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases, the rest of your extended family is happy, and your own family either has done nothing of consequence, or has participated in its own way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I am trying to say is that the problem does not seem to be the act of singing that specific song, but the meaning you give to it and the feelings this meaning evokes in you.&#xA;Your children are obviously sensitive to your feelings, particularly if you wear them on your sleeve, so it does not surprise me that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;my children immediately said they hated the song - I think because they saw my reaction of distress upon hearing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would then stress my frame challenge and invite you to reflect on your feelings, the meaning that you give to specific acts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an agnostic/atheist (depends on what definition you use) that also comes from a religious family and upbringing, I am sympathetic to your difficulties in shedding the baggage that comes with that, and that is why I am giving you this answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My kids are 4 and 6. They also receive comments from neighbors children, &amp;quot;I'm going to heaven, but you won't get to be with your family when you die because you don't believe.&amp;quot; These comments are hurtful to my children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a different issue, but important nevertheless, as it gives background to the question.&#xA;You seem to come from a deeply religious neighbourhood that does not tolerate secularism much, and I see how that can be difficult to navigate.&#xA;I would also have a couple of suggestions on how to alleviate the pain of your children in these scenarios, but as this is not the topic of the question, I will leave it for when someone will ask that question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nevertheless, this tells me that your community might be much more conservative than the ones I've been used to, so you might be going through more difficulties than me.&#xA;My answer would like to urge you to evaluate closely if some of these difficulties are self-inflicted, and could be removed by some reflection.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9000" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T14:07:24.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18950" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18948" CreationDate="2018-09-28T14:11:58.813" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't claim to know much about Indian culture, and the speed at which he asked for you to marry him (only &quot;days&quot; after regaining contact with you) will be surprising to most people of a Western culture. But as you feel able to say &quot;no&quot; (ie you do not feel any obligation to say yes) and your only concern is how it will make him feel, I believe that is relatable accross cultures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention his health problem, so I take it this is relevant in part to the way you feel. Even if it is not, you just view him as a friend and you don't want to hurt him. Perhaps his health problem just makes you feel worse about turning him down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good foundation for a successful marriage is when &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; people have realistic views of both the other person &lt;em&gt;and themselves&lt;/em&gt;. Your friend has to be reaslistic about his health condition. It may limit his options in life, including his marriage options. And if he has had this condition for some time &lt;em&gt;he should already realise this without you telling him&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the health issue &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a contributing factor to how you feel about marrying him, that doesn't make you a bad person - after all you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; his &lt;em&gt;friend&lt;/em&gt;. Maybe you don't feel that you could achieve your goals in life married to someone with ill health, or that you have the strength to support someone in that situation. It is your right to make choices for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So don't feel bad. Turn down his proposal the same way you would do with &lt;em&gt;anyone&lt;/em&gt; that you just did not feel that way about. You are worried about upsetting him and are looking for some special way to turn him down that will reduce that somehow; but by treating him normally you dignify him far more than by trying to soften it because of him being in poor health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By all means acknowledge your friendship, because that is a &lt;em&gt;positive&lt;/em&gt; thing. Your goal should be to make your own feelings completely clear; to reaffirm your friendship, and to avoid making his health problem an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could perhaps say, or adapt:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your proposal was a surprise, but I have taken time to give it serious consideration. After much heart-searching I must decline. You are a good friend whom I respect greatly, but my heart is not inclined to feel more than this. I hope that we can remain friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T14:18:03.077" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T14:18:03.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18951" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18948" CreationDate="2018-09-28T14:12:38.997" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;strong&gt;But he is my good friend since childhood. I would like him to remain as a good friend only.&lt;/strong&gt;&quot; is pretty much the best way for you to turn him down, and whether or not he accepts it is up to him. By asking you to marry him, he has put himself in a vulnurable position in which anything other than a &quot;Yes!&quot; will have a hurtful outcome; so it is best to just be honest about how you feel and what you want. How he decides to react to it is up to him and is nothing that you can change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T14:12:38.997" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18952" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-28T14:26:54.890" Score="11" ViewCount="1119" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and my wife have been married for almost 5 years and together for 7. We are both relatively young, she is still in her twenties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The past year or so, I have not acknowledged her very much. I have done my own thing mostly without consideration for her. She tried to make an effort during this time to maintain a healthy relationship with me, but most of the time, I responded with anger / irritability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although it's taken quite some time, I now realize I would like to make an effort to re-build the relationship back to a healthy one. Problem is, she now says that she is not interested, after being disheartened so many times already.&#xA;Now she won't spend time with me, even if I ask her to eat dinner with me, she would rather just watch TV by herself, go out with friends and basically be without me. She says that she is 'not sure' if she is interested in salvaging the marriage anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love her very much and would like to try to save the marriage, but she doesn't trust that my efforts will be maintained and that I mean what I say. So my question is, how can I convince her to join me in making an effort to make things work out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16660" LastEditorUserId="16660" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T15:14:21.187" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:29:35.583" Title="How to re-build intimacy with romantic partner" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18953" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18952" CreationDate="2018-09-28T15:02:28.400" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you are realizing the wrong thing.  You realize that you need to rebuild the relationship but should state that you realize that you messed up pretty badly.  That's the first step in rebuilding this.  I've had a somewhat similar issue: my sleep apnea was undiagnosed for a long time.  As a result, I was pretty crabby and volatile around her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's obviously hurting.  The important thing here is to recognize the hurt that you have caused and start dealing with that.  You are starting the right thing - spending time with her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you haven't already, there needs to be a very frank discussion between the two of you.  That needs to start with the basic question: are you both interested in salvaging this marriage?  She needs to hear how you truly feel and how your actions don't show your feelings.  I say this because that's where you are at right now.  You've driven her off, and she's accepted that.  Now your question is: can she be invited back, or has she resigned her position?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, the first thing is to show her that things have changed, how they have changed, why they have changed, and how they have changed permanently.  I'd guess that part of her challenge is wondering how she knows for a fact that you won't respond with anger again.  That's going to take longer than you took to lose your status.  It will need to be done slowly, cautiously, and with regard to her feelings.  That can consist of being pleasant around her, spending time with her on her activities, and (gently) trying to work yourself back into her life.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In essence, you most likely need to start over.  How did you woo her?  How did you prove to her that she was important to you?  What did you do together?  Spend time with those, and don't quit doing them this time around.  Show genuine interest in her and help her to grow as a person.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be done, but you have a large challenge ahead of you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit in response to edit (and other thoughts)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's not sure, there's still hope.  At this point, you'd really benefit from a third party, such as a marriage counselor, pastor, or marriage and family therapist.  These people are trained to help people who are struggling but want to save their marriage.  They can help you with exercises to change the dynamic at play here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-09-28T15:56:06.883" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T15:56:06.883" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18958" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18952" CreationDate="2018-09-28T16:10:44.040" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Its your turn to understand and manage her moods and tantrums.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Marriage&lt;/strong&gt; is the mutual kind of understanding. The partners should understand each other. If one partner is down/angree/sad then other partner should manage the situation and vice a versa. There are up and down situations generally arise and it happens.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, in your case, when she was trying to make healthy relationship with you then you have not behaved properly with her. You have ignored her. So, at that time she was managing the situation. Now, the situation have become opposite. Now, its your turn to understand and manage her moods and tantrums. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to convince her by using not only good words but also act nicely which she would like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you can try following things. I know she is not giving time to you because she got hurt so much. But just follow her and take her time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask her to give one chance to settle down the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This matter requires some time. Time is the best healer.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;During this time, do the things which she likes the most.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Cook the favorite dish for her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make list of her favorite things.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give her some gifts which is affordable to you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Help her to do the daily activities (but be patient so that you&#xA;should not loose your own temper)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;After doing all these above things, just ask her for outing. Go with&#xA;her to some wonderful place.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Divert her mind to some intersting and comedy talk which will make&#xA;her laugh.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These points at least give your mind comfort that you have tried all the things for her. Surely, it will be considerable from her side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, If above points will not work then (I don't know your country or culture) you both can take the expert advice i.e. your parents or her parents, elders or family members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T18:29:35.583" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:29:35.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18928" CreationDate="2018-09-28T16:26:56.160" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think, that asking for &quot;dietary restrictions&quot; or whatever beforehand is not so simple, as there may be cases, which you think are perfectly normal to do and some people think they are totally normal to avoid at any cost, to the point, that they do not consider it as &quot;restriction&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also the list of what possible would not be welcome will be long or incomplete, probably both (hey, I would not consider to mention I would not like eating live spiders for example ... but I would not eat it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I would rather came with something like &quot;I was thinking about ham and eggs and bread for this meeting, would you all like it, or should I came with something else?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then it is on the people to either say &quot;yes, good with me&quot; or say &quot;Sorry, I do not eat anything of pigs&quot;, &quot;I would not like eat even the eggs, as they are animal babies&quot; or &quot;I cannot eat bread if it contain gluten as I am allergic to it&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now you see, that the original choise was not best for this group and considering available ingrediences (now and here) you offer something else: &quot;And what about vegetable salad with olive oil?&quot; and now is is all good except the lady there, which say &quot;I would rather get it without oil at all&quot; (as she try to loose some weigtht before season) and you say &quot;yes, no problem, I will not add it on your plate.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everyone is happy and you know, that you can provide that. And nobody have to solve long puzzles about living spiders, monkeys brains, mushrooms and all other possible foods, which somebody &quot;just does not like&quot; for any personal reason (dislikes, allergy, religion, cultural, whatever).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will bet, that for ANY food exist at least one person, which does not want to eat it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of my friends are vegans, some of my friends say &quot;it is not food, if there is no meat in it&quot; (and means like at least 75%) ... there are people saying, that doing steaks over &quot;rare&quot; should be punished by law, others like it &quot;really, really well done&quot; (that is just a small step under &quot;totally charcoiled&quot;) ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But usually even in large groups is possible to find small number of subgroups, which would like SOMETHING common for the subgroup and so it is possible prepare like 2-4 kinds of food and make everybody happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But IMHO is better to offer, what you can do (have acces to ingredients, have practice with and such) and ask, if it is OK with everyone (and then target the parts, which does not fit), than ask everyone, what he/she/it/... would like (as you end with as much request as are people in the party) or ask what each one does NOT like (as it results to long incomplete lists and feels awkward to many people to talk long about what everything they cannot/do not want eat. But saying &quot;I would prefere salad without oil and just watter instead of beer&quot; is not so hard and is easy to fullfill.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20776" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T16:26:56.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15971" CreationDate="2018-09-28T17:12:07.367" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Ignore that lady and directly make complaint to city's MNC (Municipal Corporation)&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am also from India.&lt;/strong&gt; So, I know few solutions are available as below,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;First of all Don't speak with that lady because she looks like very&#xA;stubborn kind of nature.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In India, In every city, there is &lt;strong&gt;MNC (Municipal Corporation)&lt;/strong&gt;. They&#xA;have certain kind of rules about these street dogs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Each year, the september month is breeding period of dogs. At that&#xA;time, you might have seen many dogs on street. So, during this&#xA;period, Specially, MNC people take action against these all street&#xA;dogs. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They do not listen to these kind of dog lovers (I mean who harms&#xA;human being and loves animals).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They care much about citizens rather than animals.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So better way to ignore that lady and directly go to MNC. They will immediately take the action against these street dogs. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your problem will solve immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T18:24:08.837" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:24:08.837" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18964" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-28T18:39:50.177" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most of the answers are very good but a point must be made or at least emphasized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It used to be the practice of those in professions to keep the particulars of &quot;How to do it&quot; from people outside the profession. Reference the history of the Masons or any priesthood into ancient times. Shaw's dictum; &quot;All professions are a conspiracy against the laity.&quot; tells the story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the computer age blossomed people, youngsters usually, who knew how were more than happy to share not just how, but that they had figured out how. Since that time it has been uncommon for people not to share the benefits of their knowledge. Consultants are often much more aware of this and are likely to first establish a contract or other relationship before they open up about their answers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The skills that have been left behind are those of dealing as a professional; representing yourself as working for a living, not giving away results and methods, attitudes of service, etc. What's new is the shock of adults as they find that other adults are not willing to give away what they value. Professionals have many polite ways of saying, &quot;I'm sorry, I can't help you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: Thank you, Tinkeringbell, for the edit advice, and this is meant as non-snark. My first entry ends with the answer. Several others go into detail on how to give the OP's colleague just what they want while the OP is asking how Not to do that. From OP's question, their emphasis;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do you not reveal info when colleagues or acquaintances ask you about something without being mean to them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels like we both have the same problem at different layers of recursion. My comment explains an answer and then ends with it. Here it is again: &quot;I'm sorry, I can't help you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By way of interpersonal relations you may have found that you can't talk to them about the data or your experience gathering it without then eventually giving them what they want. Many ways to do that have been thoughtfully provided above. My point was how people have come to expect total openness when their used to be professional or other personal boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is that they are trying to engage you with this subject. You are at liberty, if you prefer, to resist. Telling them &quot;It's too complicated to describe.&quot; or &quot;I don't have time to help.&quot; are ways of doing just that. These are polite as they need to be. How bad they feel about it is not within your control or your responsibility. You may prefer to tell them you are open to other subjects. Then the phrase might be, &quot;I'm sorry, I can't help you with this.&quot; You are entitled to your own methods and results. It  is you who must not feel bad about your choices in this regard. And I do hope this has been helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21222" LastEditorUserId="21222" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T18:24:39.970" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:24:39.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18966" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18575" CreationDate="2018-09-28T19:52:05.477" Score="1" Body="&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Crossmatching/mirroring and asking questions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Focus on the body language while asking questions about the things you find boring.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a skill that most people find useful and will keep you engaged while being able to gauge rapport. Once you have kept a decent pace with the client's body language, and have asked them enough questions to not get awkward, focus on storytelling (short and sweet) and improv techniques.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on the &quot;&lt;em&gt;Yes, and&lt;/em&gt;&quot; of improv instead of the &quot;&lt;em&gt;Yes, but you're boring&lt;/em&gt;&quot; that is in your head. &quot;What Every Body is Saying&quot; and &quot;&lt;em&gt;Improv Wisdom&lt;/em&gt;&quot; are both good books for further reading.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point being, they don't have to be interesting, you do, and most people will find you interesting if you find them interesting. Make sense?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22212" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-09-29T06:11:49.663" LastActivityDate="2018-09-29T06:11:49.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18967" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="18968" CreationDate="2018-09-28T21:40:59.073" Score="1" ViewCount="544" Body="&lt;p&gt;There have been many times while driving on the highway when another car has suddenly cut into my lane in order to get over to the right-most lane so they can exit the highway, and I had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting that car. I have chosen not to immediately vent my anger at that person because I don't want to create a road-rage incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I usually have done instead was to wait until that car was halfway up the exit ramp, then I beeped to get their attention, and then I visually expressed my anger towards that person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, a friend of mine was traveling with me in my car when once again another driver cut into my lane to exit the highway. I then waited to beep and visually express my anger until he was half way up on the exit ramp.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After I did this my friend said that I acted cowardly by waiting until the other driver was unable to chase after me and visually express his anger. At first I thought he was joking but he was quite serious. I told him that I do this to avoid road-rage incidents, but he thought what I did was unwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He said regardless of my reasons for doing it, it was still a cowardly act and I should instead be 'man enough' to vent my anger at another driver up close instead from a position in which the other driver is unable to retaliate. He believes my cowardly act of revenge may enrage the other driver and may motivate him to get back on the highway and chase after me, thus creating a road-rage incident. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it unwise then to attempt to anger other drivers who are exiting the highway?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21891" LastEditorDisplayName="user21891" LastEditDate="2018-09-29T02:50:14.980" LastActivityDate="2018-09-29T02:50:14.980" Title="Is it unwise to attempt to anger other drivers who are exiting the highway?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-09-29T00:26:48.380" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18968" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18967" CreationDate="2018-09-28T21:55:37.177" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get it. I have often wished that I was driving a James Bond spy car which could pop out dual 50 cal machine guns and give a bad driver a burst. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you and your friend are both wrong. Doing anything to escalate a driving mistake into a road rage incident is nuts. Refraining from escalating a situation isn't cowardly, it is the mature response. Getting into a demolition derby or a fight with some idiot is insane. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6584" LastActivityDate="2018-09-28T21:55:37.177" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18877" CreationDate="2018-09-28T21:56:42.903" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The easiest, lowest-conflict approach?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Give Jack a shot.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not saying that your friends' opinions of Jack are wrong-- they may well be 100% correct. But your current trajectory is to exclude him based on word-of-mouth from situations totally distinct from roleplaying, and you're set to cut Jill loose from your allegedly tight-knit group for essentially no reason at all. That's a pretty strong reaction in a low-stakes situation because you vaguely assume that you can't possibly have fun with him around. And as no one in your group saw fit to do more than silently allow Jill's request to be granted he may not be &lt;em&gt;so&lt;/em&gt; bad that you can't endure him for a couple of hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he joins your group for a session or two, and he's not a good fit (as sounds likely), then you have an actual &lt;em&gt;reason&lt;/em&gt; to disinvite him, and your group can discuss it (possibly with Jill included). &lt;a href=&quot;https://rpg.stackexchange.com/questions/tagged/group-dynamics&quot;&gt;RPG.SE&lt;/a&gt; has plenty of information on handling that sort of thing. If Jack and Jill break up along the way, then the problem really solves itself. Letting Jack join isn't a permanent decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A key element of this approach is that you and your group should give Jack an honest chance. No badgering, no going from annoyance-level 0 to annoyance-level 9000 the first time he does something you don't like. You, as the DM, can also do a lot to distract, channel, or otherwise smooth over any tendencies Jack might have that the group finds disruptive. Another part of the DM's role is to help manage group dynamics (it's your table), but you have more options than kicking people out. And if it honestly doesn't work out, or the group just thinks the game is more fun without him, you can get there equally well at that point as you can today.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I strongly suspect that the reason you're having trouble imagining conversations that end with Jack excluded (and maybe Jill too) is that you don't have much of an affirmative reason to pursue that goal at this time. That's especially the case for you, as you have zero firsthand knowledge of him, which makes you a poor choice to spearhead the effort if you decide to ban Jack before he gets anywhere near your table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you do decide to uninvite Jack, before or after playing with him&lt;/strong&gt;, it should be a group decision and discussed and conveyed outside of the game itself. The rationale you give should be truthful, but focus on the game itself and how he and the rest of the group don't mesh well with a result of a worse game for everyone. It's not about him (even if it &lt;em&gt;really is&lt;/em&gt;), it's about the game that the whole group shares.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2019-06-01T22:19:16.917" LastActivityDate="2019-06-01T22:19:16.917" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18971" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18706" CreationDate="2018-09-29T13:41:59.237" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Student and teacher attraction is harmful to you only. Maintain dignity of education&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's your students' age to love, flirt or be in love. They can do mistakes by behaving like that. But you can not do mistake. You are elder to them. You are serving in college as teacher. It is your responsibility to ignore their irrelevant behavior and concentrate on their academic questions and academic career. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If any wrong thing will happen then you may loose your job as well as reputation. It will not affect to them. It will affect on your career. I know your age gap is not much. But please give priority to your own work and career. These things happen in colleges. Mostly with male professors. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;is there a way to distance myself emotionally to twenty years old attention-seeking female students without being rude and at the same time trying to maintain control of my class?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer&lt;/strong&gt; - It is not the matter of rudeness from your side. But it is your responsibility to behave in discipline manner with all students in class. If any female students try to initiate flirting (verbally) then scold them proper manner like parents do. If they try to initiate flirting (non-verbally), then just act as you have not understood it. The female students may attract towards you but you can not because here being a professor/teacher, it will become shameful to you. So be careful and follow above steps. Student and teacher attraction is harmful to you only. So, to maintain dignity of education, it is very necessary to control on yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T18:27:39.283" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:27:39.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18974" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18650" CreationDate="2018-09-29T18:27:02.790" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think an angle that some are missing is that this the time to learn the knowledge and figure things out is in some ways a red herring. While I don't per se disagree with the accepted answer, I think it still misses something important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is people asking you to, in the present day, to &lt;em&gt;currently&lt;/em&gt; &lt;strong&gt;do work&lt;/strong&gt; for free for them, with a presumption that because the work involved is presumably &quot;just&quot; &quot;imparting knowledge&quot;, it carries no burden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That some people &lt;strong&gt;volunteer&lt;/strong&gt; their time and skills to answer questions on a site like SE is also a red herring for situations where that &lt;strong&gt;work&lt;/strong&gt; is being directly requested of someone, with a clear presumption of expecting it to simply be given for free. There are a number of contextual differences, but the primary one is the valuation of someone's individual time and skills and agency.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than focusing on the more &quot;proprietary knowledge&quot; aspects where discussing this has an associated cost background for you (your time spent learning), I would instead be upfront that this is a complex topic and that the results rely on a lot of your own work and knowledge, not just things someone can go grab off a website and install somewhere and achieve the same result in readymade fashion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Soft Opening wrapping Firm Boundaries&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would personally start off with mentioning the &lt;strong&gt;basic overview in generic terms&lt;/strong&gt;, such as &quot;it's a WordPress based site primarily driven with custom plugins and themes&quot;, because if you feel like you're giving something special away (regardless of field) with a cursory overview of the &lt;em&gt;fundamental&lt;/em&gt; techniques/off the shelf tools used, I can happily tell you: you're not. Even if they seem to be asking for &quot;specific&quot; details (it's hard to tell from your question how that's usually being phrased by them), this is how I would initially respond.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would frame this in such a way that makes it clear that you presume that covers everything that was asked adequately. Don't, yourself, offer to &quot;go into more detail&quot;/etc. Don't ask questions of what they're doing/wanting to do, unless you're actually interested in potentially fishing for work or at least giving them the impression that you do want to discuss this more. If you're speaking to someone who understands the field and was just generally curious, this will be enough to have explained &quot;what you did&quot; in a general way. If they want to start going on about a particular framework/etc, then you can happily jabber on about it too, or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do definitely also recommend paying attention to the other answers which dive into taking the request initially as a compliment, and particularly answering back in a way that frames it as such and addresses the complimentary nature of it, not the request itself (beyond maybe what I outlined above of using a generic broad overview).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, it doesn't hurt to mention that it was &quot;a lot of work&quot; and, inasmuch as it did &quot;took a lot of time learning/took a lot of skill/was something you were glad you were already trained in ____/etc&quot;. Particularly any custom work as such. It's ok to be proud of what you did and how you got there, and it's ok to clearly signal the value involved. Answers describing pointing people to places to &quot;get started&quot; are appropriate here if the followup question is something like &quot;wow, how did you get to that point?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;But if someone is &lt;strong&gt;still&lt;/strong&gt; asking for more details, one eminently correct followup is to stand up for yourself, your related expertise, and your time as a professional, in a professional and polite manner:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, it would require more technical detail than I have time for to get into specifics, but I do consulting on this: here's my card and I'd be more than happy to schedule a &lt;strong&gt;consultation&lt;/strong&gt; sometime if you're interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to make clear up front and right now that this isn't going to be free even then (although the language cue/signalling of using &quot;consult&quot; is intended to help here), you could follow that up with either something along the lines of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...get in touch, and we can discuss my rates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or simply&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just follow the link on my card to my site, then it's under &quot;Consulting&quot; in the menu.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(have either a basic rate schedule or a mention of discussing rates on the related page) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing wrong with making clear that this is an aspect of your profession and as such it is work, and you are not planning on doing work for free just because someone else demands it of you, naively or otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Part of this is a matter of establishing clear boundaries with others. It's that you're still being friendly, but are not going to be &lt;strong&gt;taken advantage of&lt;/strong&gt; for being friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a difference between professional peer curiosity and related friendly discussion, and people who are &lt;em&gt;effectively&lt;/em&gt; (even if unintentionally/unaware of doing so) devaluing your work and your skills in order to essentially ask you to &lt;strong&gt;do work&lt;/strong&gt; for them, for free. Regardless of whether they realize that's what they are doing. Because, yes, standing there &lt;em&gt;explaining&lt;/em&gt; in deep detail is work, even beyond the discussions in other answers of proprietary details or not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Standing there and having a friendly peer discussion about some esoteric detail just because you found it interesting and the person you're talking to is knowledgeable on the topic and also finds it interesting is a very different story. I'm assuming that you can easily tell the difference between the two conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another part of this, and why I use the word &quot;consulting&quot; regarding this, is that the firmly structured context you are creating makes sure that this is regarded appropriately and also appropriately seen in regards to your own views. Do not suggest you would do this for &quot;a few beers&quot; or anything similar. Firmly contextualize this as work for you, not just a fun hobby you do for funsies, and make clear you expect others to treat with you on that context as a professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, to be clear, the expectation is that once &quot;real money&quot; is involved, &lt;strong&gt;most&lt;/strong&gt; people who have casually engaged you on this topic as if you are just going to magically be able to tell them how to do what you've done in the space of a conversation will at best express some interest in following up and then never do so. Firmly shifting this into a &quot;I'll work for you, but this is real work if I do so&quot; and &quot;only for real money&quot; drives away nearly anyone who had created a mental model whereby they trivialized this into something where simply expecting you to stand there and tell all they needed off the cuff was in any way going to both happen and going to result in them getting results like yours, just like that. My partner often remarks that if she had a dime for every time someone asks her about an idea for artwork and then runs away after a noncommittal response when given a professional quote, she'd be a millionaire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What about just dodging the question?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One other avenue, obviously, is to simply say you're &quot;not interested in going into more detail right now&quot;, but this type of passive demurral doesn't help in resetting and firming related expectations and boundaries. The &quot;right now&quot; can also easily be taken as a &quot;oh, but you'd be happy to at a later date&quot;. Relating your discussion of those details to being a job you could be hired to do for them firmly contextualizes the nature of you going into more detail as being work, and all of the surrounding connotations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Negatives&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One potential downside is that some people will see this as &quot;money grubbing&quot;. Part of this is that it will simply occur because there are people who feel entitled to demand work of others and refuse to view it as such. Depending on how much time you want to spend and how acrimonious things feel, you can take the time to ask them what their profession is, then ask if they expect to get paid for doing their profession, and hopefully bring them around to understanding why you aren't going to &lt;strong&gt;consult&lt;/strong&gt; (and I suggest sticking to using this term for anything about further discussion, as it is a hard cue that forces context) for free: if you want to further soften this--assuming it's true--you can always say that you'd be happy to do it at your &quot;friend rate&quot; but this is work for you and you hope they understand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also lean on the part that this is your time off and that you like to have some at least reasonable work life boundaries, and this is part of how you maintain those because otherwise people keep asking you to do work for free on your time off. Saying it like this is fairly passive aggressive (particularly depending on the tone), but can be reworded to be nicer or not as the situation demands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people will refuse to understand no matter what, and no matter how nice you are, and I suggest dropping or shifting the topic of conversation at that point. You can't fix everyone. And yes, to me, this is something that is worth describing as &quot;broken&quot; when someone else refuses to be civil about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen this happen in a number of fields that involve intellectual and especially creative work. Some people have a mistaken impression that just because in broad theory &quot;anyone can do it&quot; (in terms of things like &quot;anyone can arrange some images on a page!&quot;), and what they see as the &quot;work&quot; involved is &quot;so simple&quot;, that means that the time to describe or even outright do it is something which whoever they latch on to should simply grant them, and that anything else would somehow be uncivil. It's hard to pull apart the genesis of this behavior, particularly since it varies person to person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I think it is nice to try to find and correct the underlying faults in their schema leading to this type of impression, that's also a form of emotional labor for which I don't think anyone should feel forced to engage in, and can be a hopeless task that just leads to acrimony as they pull back and entrench. I also wouldn't suggest making a professional referral for related counseling at this point, unless you really intend to insult them (because that's almost certainly how it will be taken). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;In Short (aka TL;DR)&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've personally found that simply setting clear, clean boundaries, explaining your own stance in a relatable way (e.g. &quot;this is work for me, just like your job is work for you, and I wouldn't ask you to work for me for free, please &lt;strong&gt;respect&lt;/strong&gt; the same of me&quot;), and not worrying about &quot;fixing&quot; their related mental model, but simply calmly ending the conversation if they insist on arguing, is the approach that overall works the best, and if done correctly also makes you appear to have taken the &quot;higher road&quot; to anyone else who is present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside from the IPS side of this, one plus is that it may actually generate some related work for you, assuming you're interested in that. While this answer might seem to presume that you would be, it's relatively easy to adjust this for not wanting to or having time to do said work, which involves either raising prices (and I generally recommend setting them firmly at a reasonably high scale either way) or simply saying you're too booked up for the forseeable future [but can refer the person to someone else who might be able to help (assuming that's true--and this can be a nice way to send work to friends/colleagues who freelance)].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11794" LastEditorUserId="11794" LastEditDate="2018-09-29T18:52:47.950" LastActivityDate="2018-09-29T18:52:47.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18975" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18756" CreationDate="2018-09-29T21:05:56.440" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't say whether telling is right, but it &lt;em&gt;probably&lt;/em&gt; is, especially given your own strong feeling that have persisted. The flip side is &quot;will it eat at her&quot;, and that you have to judge and weigh in the balance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would &lt;strong&gt;admit human fallibility and fear&lt;/strong&gt;, and tackle it like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;When we discussed past relationships, I didn't tell you everything. I was nervous and fearful, and I took the cowards way out, I didn't tell you about everything. I know you better now, and I want to put that right. I'd rather have you know I did wrong before, but that I chose to put it right. I did have other relationships. They weren't great, but I felt they put distance between us and I was scared what that would do. I rationalised that it was okay not to tell, and now I'm more and more sure that was wrong. I'm sorry I lied, and I want to put it right.&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does several things. It &lt;strong&gt;admits cowardice,fear, and wrongdoing&lt;/strong&gt;. Those may have been easy to rationalise but they are accurate and worth admitting - she may probably  have those words in mind so you might as well admit them and take some of the &quot;sting&quot; out of it. Also it shows acceptance of serious fault, and that might help her to be a bit sympathetic if she sees you were scared, did wrong, and now want to fix it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It also &lt;strong&gt;leaves the door open for her to say how she wants to handle it&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't offer anything, even as little as &quot;do you want to talk about it&quot; or &quot;what do you think&quot;. Your statement and silence after, will clearly invite her to consider how she wants to reply. She might not want details, or she might. She may have a reaction or may say &quot;I want to think about this, can we talk later.&quot;.  So by not saying anything, you let her digest it, and choose in her own time, and own way, what she wants to say in return, and what she wants to know (if anything).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastEditorUserId="2123" LastEditDate="2018-09-30T02:38:48.337" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T02:38:48.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18976" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18163" CreationDate="2018-09-29T23:31:59.300" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone gets in front of in the line, and they refuse to move, there is not so much you can do. I will not be the first one to use physical force during a disagreement, so I will not pull somebody out of the line. I will try to cut in front of them if I get half a chance. That way I can reverse the situation, now they are in the position where they would have to start pushing to get me out. Most people will not do this, and if someone does, at least I am not the one who started to get physical. If anybody else was in front of me before I moved forward, I will let them in front again if they ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastActivityDate="2018-09-29T23:31:59.300" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8212" CreationDate="2018-09-30T05:38:11.113" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I deal with a lot of politics in my family. I recently got into a pretty heated discussion with my Dad, but we both made it out with our relationship intact. Here are some tips to help you get through this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, your both adults. You are both entitled to your own opinions, even if that means they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. A book I read a long time ago helps deal with this, its called: &lt;strong&gt;How to win friends and influence people&lt;/strong&gt; by Dale Carnegie. One of the topics covered in the book is how to win people over to your way of thinking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to find his factually incorrect posts and correct them. Confront him about them and present your case. Don't yell, try not to get angry. Try to tell him in a mild pleasant demeanor. Be persuasive and help him see your side of the picture. His response will be to dig in his heels and refuse to accept it, but you need to avoid any conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Whenever you argue with someone, no matter if you win or lose the argument, you still lose. Your Dad will either feel humiliated or strengthened and will only seek to bolster his own position. Try to avoid arguments whenever you can. An honest discussion is very different from an argument. Arguments usually involve yelling and &quot;your wrong, I'm right&quot; attitudes. The objective is to help him see your side of the picture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show respect for your Dads opinions. Never say &quot;You're wrong.&quot; Never tell your Dad he is flat out wrong. It will only serve to offend him and insult his pride. No one likes to be humiliated. Start the conversation with something like: &quot;Hey Dad, I saw your post about [FB Post] and I don't think thats right. Can you show me some sources to prove this? Because what I've got right here says [FB Post correction].&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try honestly to see things from your Dads point of view. Other people may often be wrong, but you cannot condemn them. You must seek to understand them. Success in dealing with your Dad requires a sympathetic grasp of his viewpoint. You can't argue against something you don't understand. What caused him to think like this? Did he have any influential people is his life? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally, be willing to accept the fact that you might actually be wrong. Your Dad has been alive longer than you and he knows his stuff. Unless you have evidence showing otherwise, you might just be getting annoyed at him because you don't like the way he thinks. Most people aren't aware of the opinions of people around them. Your Dad might not know that you don't like the kinds of things that he posts on FB. Unless you verbally announce to him that his posts are hurting your feelings, then he isn't aware of it. He can't read minds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are both human. You have differing opinions and they are causing conflict. It happens more often than not. Just work through this. The relationship won't rebuild itself. You have to put in what you want to get out. If you want love, respect, and recognition, you have to put in love, respect, and recognition. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you could just unfriend him, get rid of FaceBook, and never talk to him again. I wouldn't recommend this though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10634" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T05:38:11.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18978" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-09-30T06:31:08.443" Score="0" ViewCount="613" Body="&lt;p&gt;If one is considering entering a relationship with a person who has had previous relationships lasting many years, is it acceptable to ask to speak to their previous partners in order to confirm that the person is being truthful about their previous relationships? Suppose you've met a person online and so you have no real overlap of social circles, no friends in common, etc., and you've been going out for a few weeks or a few months. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22235" LastEditorUserId="22235" LastEditDate="2018-09-30T07:09:56.273" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:22:22.100" Title="Is it acceptable to ask to speak to a potential partner's ex-partners?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-09-30T11:51:27.780" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18979" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18978" CreationDate="2018-09-30T07:05:40.333" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;That's not a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you imagine this talk to be like?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, I'm DJG, the guy you never met, whom your ex loves now instead of you. I want to talk to you about your failed relationship to see if she lied to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe they realized that their love went cold and parted in good terms, but maybe there were fights and affairs and lies. You can never know if her ex tells you the truth or lies to you just to make her life miserable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ex-partners of your current partner are non of your buisness. You can talk about them if both of you want to, but contacting them is not accepted in any culture I know of. It's the past of every person that cannot be changed. Someone might have been unfaithfull to the last partner but be absolutely devoted to the current one. Someone might want to keep certain relationships secret because they're embarrassed about it. Someone might not want you to know about a past abusive relationship out of fear you would become just like her ex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, it's up to you to decide whether you trust her word or not. Take a step back and imagine the new partner of &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; ex contacting you and asking questions about your past relationship. What would you answer? What would it tell about the new partner?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-09-30T07:20:06.940" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T07:20:06.940" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18980" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18978" CreationDate="2018-09-30T07:10:23.243" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Don't ask&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, it is quite difficult to judge a person with whom you don't have any mutual friend. You don't know his/her social circle, you have not seen personally. Still you want to enter into relationship with that person. You have not given importance to these all things. But you want to know about her/his relationship with ex-partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, consider follwing 2 scenario,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Suppose, consider that you have asked this question to you partner then what is the gurantee that he/she will tell the truth. Even though the mistake was his/her, how come she/he will tell you that previous relationship has broken due to my mistake. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Now, think from another side. Suppose, your partner has accepted that in previous relationship that was his/her mistake. Then, Would you like to accept your partner even though she/he is telling you about her mistake and truth about the previous relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, first of all ask this question to you, and if you still want to accept him/her then &lt;strong&gt;don't ask the question which you wanted to ask&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still you want to ask then ask with polite manner, &quot;&lt;em&gt;If you don't mind Can I ask about your ex-partner?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. And before asking this question, confirm her/his mood is good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T18:22:22.100" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:22:22.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18981" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18978" CreationDate="2018-09-30T07:39:04.350" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You probably shouldn't ask to speak with previous partners. For a whole bunch of reasons. It's not a good idea. And no matter what you hear, it's not going to be good for your relationship...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your partner's previous partners will be the most biased source of information. They're all previous partners for a reason. Regardless of the reasons for them being previous partners, their perspective will be different from your partner's. Don't expect them to be telling the same story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Beyond all of that... Asking them shows a distinct lack of trust. Trust is a key stone in any relationship. Demonstrate that it isn't there and the whole structure will come crashing down around your head.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately for us all... I have experience with a context where something similar is common...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In polyamorous relationships it's fairly common to meet your new partners' other partners. And admittedly, a part of that is simply making sure that their other partners' are aware of the situation and are all on board.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I did say somewhat similar.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;(This is still a terrible idea.)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When meeting a partner's partners' it's generally best not to pry, but rather let the information come out naturally. 'Cause it will, whether you want it to, or not. Focused questions usually won't be necessary. The context of the meeting will get them talking, and no matter what they actually say, the non-verbal cues will tell you most of what you need to know. Are they uncomfortable, reluctant, angry, sad? These things kinda tend to tell you what you actually need to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More than that... Knowing how the new partner feels about making introductions... That's something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(MOST of the reason this is a terrible idea.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one wants their new partner to dig around in their previous, &lt;strong&gt;failed&lt;/strong&gt; relationships. Their reaction will only serve to feed your lack of trust. Kinda why current polyamorous relationships are different. There isn't that glairing &lt;strong&gt;&quot;failed&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, some sorts of relationships require meeting and regulary dealing with the ex. A strong &lt;em&gt;for instance&lt;/em&gt; would be a partner who has children from a previous relationship. If you're stepping into a step-parent roll, you'll have to to meet, greet, and get to know the previous partner to some degree.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is the worst possible situation to ask about the nature of their failed relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a whole extra layer of raw nerve in the majority of cases. They're auditing you much more than you could them; you're the new potential parent in their kid's life. In this case it is all about the kid. Do not lose sight of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T07:39:04.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18982" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18928" CreationDate="2018-09-30T11:43:36.367" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;is it on them to tell me about it, or do I ask them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I don't tell you and you don't ask me then it's up to me (as guest) to decide whether to take what I'm served.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I don't want something I can say, &quot;No thank you&quot;, at the time -- but some hosts/hostesses see that as a bad thing (even if that's my choice), which is awkward, so maye communicating in advance is better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I count it as socially skilful of them if, once informed, someone remembers my dietary preference  the next time without asking again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I do that without implying they have i.e. health issues?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Is there anything you don't eat?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9053" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T11:43:36.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18983" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18928" CreationDate="2018-09-30T12:46:32.057" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;In most cases the guests will tell their hosts if they have any special diets that they follow. However, in the event that they don't or they forget then it's often best to ask beforehand. It's best to do this indirectly through something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, is there anything you want in particular?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will offer them a chance to suggest anything (whatever they suggest will of course be in line with their special diet). However, if they don't have anything to suggest then simply ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yeah, so, is there anything you can't eat? I once cooked these big, fat barbecue ribs for my friend only to discover they were vegan and it was unbelievably awkward so since then I always remember to ask people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach is pretty good because it keeps things casual and informal. It also shows the person that you're not only asking them and that you ask everyone and most importantly of all it also helps to lighten the mood with some humour which will make the exchange less awkward and tense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22237" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T12:46:32.057" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18984" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18894" CreationDate="2018-09-30T12:51:06.563" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure if I read that correctly, but I get the feeling this is also a lot about &lt;em&gt;getting a cake baked by your mother - for you&lt;/em&gt;. As you say you find it hurtful when she bakes a non-vegan cake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, why not communicate THIS to your mother? Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have so many happy memories involving cake you did bake for us.&#xA;  Nowadays, with my being vegan, I can't anymore enjoy a cake my mother&#xA;  baked. I feel so left out seeing you all eat this cake, and not being&#xA;  able to participate. I know I chose my vegan lifestyle and so am&#xA;  responsible for it. But eating a cake you baked is not only about a&#xA;  tasty dessert, but a symbol for the love and the unity as a family. If&#xA;  I get you a recipe and the ingredients for a vegan cake, and showed&#xA;  you how to bake it that time, would you bake one for me the next time?&#xA;  I just want to feel that feeling of having a cake my mummy made for&#xA;  me...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By pointing out the symbolism of said cake and its significance to you, it wouldn't be about accommodating your &quot;extravagant&quot; lifestyle, but about a labour of love.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a simple technique derived from Marshall Rosenberg's &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;violence-free communication&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found that any time I used it, explaining my feelings and therefore the reason behind my plea, people are more inclined to comply with my plea. Granted, I take this approach mostly with my family. The examples are varying... talking to my daughter about the necessity of wearing a helmet while riding her bike: I want her to be protected the best way, because I love her - instead of just ordering her to do it.. Asking my husband to wake me from napping with a hot tea: because it feels like being cared for and loved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course there's a difference with my daughter STILL not wearing a helmet or my husband not making tea - the first gets a sterner talking and asking for her reasoning, the latter just gets a sigh and an &quot;okay&quot; - I may be disappointed, but there's no point into forcing somebody into a labour of love, is there? ;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22238" LastEditorUserId="22238" LastEditDate="2018-10-29T12:24:11.930" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T12:24:11.930" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18985" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18163" CreationDate="2018-09-30T13:40:43.643" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Not every battle is worth fighting, especially if you've just run across two sociopaths that are suddenly making false allegations against you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, the restaurant can easily fix the underlying issue in the future by investing in a cheap &lt;strong&gt;sign-up sheet, a clipboard, and a pen&lt;/strong&gt; that is tied to the clipboard. And if a sign-up sheet isn't appropriate, I'm sure that such a problem can be helped with better signage somehow, or a reconfiguration of their default queue, or better staff training (if you feel the wait-staff could have done better in enforcing the queue).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if I were you, I would leave an online review for the restaurant retelling your story and outlining your preferred tentative solution. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Disclaimer: Keep in mind that this advice is largely US-centric. In the US, online restaurant reviews can cause a significant financial impact on the restaurants being reviewed and many restaurant owners take them very seriously. I am assuming the same for Sweden, but I do not know for sure.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3057" LastEditorUserId="3057" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T08:25:54.517" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T08:25:54.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18986" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18919" CreationDate="2018-09-30T14:49:32.320" Score="8" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Problem of being interrupted&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she is Asperger, she probably has a hard time figuring out when it's her turn to talk. I would suggest using hands signals to help with that. Hand signals are really easy to see and hard to misinterpret.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;First, have a discussion with her where you tell her that, sometimes/often, she interrupts you when you haven't finished talking which makes you feel frustrated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Then, tell her that you would like for the both of you to find a solution to this problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Finally, suggest using hands signals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(this follow the pattern of: &amp;quot;When you do X, I feel Y, what about we do Z instead&amp;quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she has Asperger, be very direct, precise and to the point. Otherwise, she might get lost in what you are saying and miss the important information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hand signals&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the hand signals, I would suggest having one for the person who talks and one for the person who wants to talk. The hand signals can be anything but I personally like these ones because everyone tends to understand them (I'm Asperger myself and use them often, especially when I want to talk):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For the person who wants to talk&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The person opens her mouth and takes a big inspiration. At the same time, he/she raises one finger (like in school but at shoulder height).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You actually have two signals here (the mouth and the finger). I tend to use the mouth signal first and, if the other person doesn't let me talk, the finger one (with a little bit of waving if the other person &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; don't let me talk).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For the person talking&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;As soon as you detect that the other person wants to talk but you aren't finished, raise your hand, palm open, to symbolize a stop signal. You can even add a slight &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; head signal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When you are finished talking, do a &amp;quot;go ahead&amp;quot; signal (let the stop signal down then, with your palm still open, point to yourself than to your interlocutor). You can also add a slight &amp;quot;yes&amp;quot; head signal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The asking question problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the problem that she rarely asked questions of you, you need to know that she probably doesn't know what question she should ask you and that having a conversation with anyone might be stressful for her. As an Asperger, when in a conversation, I tend to use the &amp;quot;and you?&amp;quot; trick but, sometimes, I'm afraid that this would be inappropriate and I don't ask (which might lead other people to think I'm rude).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I only say this to help you understand her better. I won't suggest any course of action, however, if you decide to talk to her about that, be direct, precise, to the point and tell her &lt;strong&gt;what she should do to improve things&lt;/strong&gt;. If you only point to what she is doing wrong, you will stress her because she won't know how to do better. I hate when people do that, don't do that to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, when you tell her how she can improve things, be extra precise, the more precise, the better (having example will help). If you are too vague, you will only stress her because she won't know what to do with what you have tell her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The superficial problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find that you only have superficial conversations with her, maybe find what she was interested about before Minecraft. She might still be interested about it and you might like the topic too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also try talking about things that aren't Minecraft but that are related (like video games, construction stuff, etc...).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, many Asperger people are interested by the topic of injustice, social justice, veganism, activism, etc... I don't know if she will be interested in that but, if you like one of those topics, it's worth a shot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If none of this work, you can try to find a list of discussions topic on the internet and ask her to give a grade to each topic depending on how much she is interested in them. I would even suggest that you do the same and, when each of you is finished, each show the result to the other one (you can even talk about it, telling each other why you love/hate this topic and why she loves/hates this other one).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T08:05:34.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18919" CreationDate="2018-09-30T16:38:05.053" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a way that I can get her to let me talk during our conversations and steer it towards less superficial things&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience, the only way for a teenager with Asperger's to &quot;let you talk&quot; and listen is when your topic interests them. For such people, getting into something new is a long and windy road filled with setbacks and uncertainties. Ultimately, the topic will need to start &quot;making sense&quot; to them and become a &quot;missing puzzle piece&quot; that will neatly sit together with their previous interests and hobbies. While it's impossible to force them to like something, you can try advertising your topic in a way that will logically &quot;click&quot; for them and make them willing to explore it at their own pace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, if your friend plays Minecraft on a multiplayer server and has trouble communicating with other players because of her introverted and self-focussed tendencies, you can broach the idea of how knowing psychology and personality types could help her convince other players to build that giant Death Star replica she's been drafting plans for for the past few weeks. Expect it to fail however, in which case don't press it further. The more pressure you apply, the greater chances are she will loathe the topic for the rest of her life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Honestly though, the psychology-related topics you listed could not be any worse for a person with Asperger's whose only handicap is precisely in understanding other people. Do you have any other interests which don't have something to do with psychology, such as natural sciences, art or literature?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, if you want her to take interest in programming (assuming she isn't proficient in it already), you both could fantasize about various cool Minecraft mods you could make together if she learned how to program. Or add math and physics to the mix, and you could team up and make your own Minecraft-like game from scratch!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, if a &quot;mutually satisfying&quot; friendship means to you that you get to talk about your problems and hobbies as much as she talks about hers, I don't think that will ever work out, even if they both coincide (though that helps immensely). While I firmly believe you can make fantastic friends with people with Asperger's and autism, such friendships need to be truly selfless and asymmetrical. A kind of friendship where both people accept each other the way you are, recognise each other's strengths and special needs and use those differences to your mutual advantage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2951" LastEditorUserId="2951" LastEditDate="2018-09-30T16:51:29.477" LastActivityDate="2018-09-30T16:51:29.477" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18928" CreationDate="2018-10-01T01:10:27.840" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I figure if I know someone well enough to be cooking for them then I know them well enough to ask if they'll actually want to eat what I'm cooking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually just ask people if there's anything they don't eat. They can fill me in, or not, on the relative importance of their &quot;don't eat&quot; status. So, for example, I know my Jewish friend won't eat a bacon sandwich and is totally non-negotiable on that, my friend who needs a gluten-free diet won't eat bread and is non-negotiable on that, and my friend who doesn't care much for onions would prefer not to eat them but at a push can pick them out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone presents a list of requirements so arduous that it's all but impossible to please them, do the best you can this time and don't invite them again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can't comment yet, so to clarify. If someone is such a picky eater that it's all but impossible to satisfy them, it may be that it's easier to just not bother trying. It's easy enough to choose something to satisfy a well defined restriction or preference, for example not serving bacon when my Jewish friend is visiting (knowing he not only won't eat the bacon but also won't eat anything that might have touched the bacon). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I knew someone a few years ago who had severe food allergies that seemed to constantly evolve. She couldn't have any dairy, any wheat, any seafood of any type, and it was far from rare that each visit brought a different food she was sensitive to. It was all but impossible to cook anything that worked, not least because the dish she might have eaten last time I saw her would make her physically sick this time. In a simple case where you're entertaining one or two people (in this case, the lady and her husband) it's easier to manage. If you're trying to entertain a group of people and there's one person who either can't or won't eat anything, it may get to the point where it's easier to just not invite them. I figured it went without saying that if the particular person is sufficiently important to you that you want to accommodate them no matter what then you'll accommodate them no matter what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22254" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-10-01T04:37:06.003" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T04:37:06.003" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18996" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-01T02:32:21.080" Score="3" ViewCount="1059" Body="&lt;p&gt;I (F 20) have a close friend (M 21) that hasn't been responding to any of my texts for about three weeks. The last time I saw him was at a party at a mutual friend's house three weeks ago. I don't recall anything out of the ordinary happening at the party that would explain why he's not responding. Usually, he's not great at responding but usually responds eventually. I would estimate that only 10% of my texts went unanswered. But I've texted him 10 times in the past three weeks with no response. I texted him pretty mundane things about sports, or sent him memes, in line with usual conversation that we have. I also texted him to make plans twice, and even called him but he didn't pick up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About two weeks ago, I texted a mutual friend of ours to ask if she'd heard from him since it was weird he hadn't responded to me. She was actually with him at the time and I asked her to ask him if he was mad at me or something, and he apparently said that he wasn't, that he loves me and is just bad at responding. But he still hasn't responded since then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't ran into him in person since the party, but it's possible I will because we go to the same university and have some of the same friends. But there's no routine event I'll see him at or anything like that. However, I'll most likely run into him within the next couple weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask him if there's a reason why he's ignoring me? And if I do, should I try it over text or just wait until I see him in person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T11:57:34.773" Title="How can I approach my friend about why he's ignoring me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3786" CreationDate="2018-10-01T02:38:04.123" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Screw minding your own business. If you see someone ANYONE being bullied, abused, etc., INTERCEPT! Either directly or indirectly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, on to the constructive part. Ok. You saw I mentioned communication, correct? Let's face it. Most people do not excel in this area. But if you can muster the courage next time(try practicing/perfecting like a pitch in the mirror), go with this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh! I just remembered! (Only address one of them--this is your call on which as to who you think it is more relevant to as far as interest goes) I was just reading this article/watching this show/heard on the radio (you get the idea) and heard a really informative and kind of thought-provoking discussion between these two Psychologists about Confidence, Alpha/Beta dynamics, becoming your best self, etc. And one line particularly drew my attention. They were discussing the Alpha personality and said something about, oh let me see here, I think they said 'Healthy people do not tear each other down for no reason, and that empowered people empower other people.' I really like that! What do you guys think? I even considered getting it printed as a bumper sticker, HAHA!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok. To break it down. Your automatically diffusing the situation even if it's only temporary by creating an entirely new environment and one that is not conducive to aggression, but the exact opposite. Since you aren't making a criticism directly, nobody starts in their personal &quot;Defense Mode&quot;. Actually, that's why the preamble is vital. It's simply a distraction, misdirection, planting a psych seed, however you'd like to specify. But! It doesn't shut anyone out from hearing what you have to say from the very beginning. Actually, by addressing only one party, you're indirectly grabbing both of their attention. One is addressed, but the other is listening to discover why they were left out. See what you do there? lol. Ok. Now, when you finally introduce the &quot;meat&quot; of the discussion it will be thought-provoking, and since the male subject is NOT an Alpha personality, his likely response is to adopt this behavior to mimic an Alpha due to his own personal insecurities. Even if that doesn't work(I'm pretty confident, however), anytime he intentionally defies that statement he looks weaker, and as a lesser version of himself. And hun, men who treat women like that are more concerned with how they are perceived by others and themselves than most everything else. Of course, you can literally either quote the script, or feel free to modify the details some to your liking with the goal of approach, delivery, and acceptance being key. Used correctly, this WILL work. I hope things improve. And if you would, please, take the moment to reply and let me know how it goes! &quot;Astra inclinant, sed non obligant.&quot; &#xA;~Rebellia Rose™ xoXXXox™&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And to all the other commentators saying &quot;Mind your own business&quot; when you see someone being abused, you should be ashamed of yourselves. (Signed, &amp;lt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm a universe of secrets. The curious contrast of a tempestuous soul. I don't watch television. I don't discuss things that don't matter. I truly believe that knowledge is power and that it is sexy as hell. I agree with Nietzsche(I think) that the only sign of a true intellectual is an open mind. I love all things psychology, specifically behavioral psych. All I do is work and learn. Well, that I can post, lol. But mostly just those two. Otherwise, I'm learning how to work better. I'm an INTP. A Certified Wedding Planner. A webcam model. Took two years in junior college as a double major Bus MGMT/Bus MKTG just to find join the Marine Corp. Later got denied due to surviving an epidural hematoma with a 90% death rate at merely 14yo. I have lived more life in my 33 years than most will in 90 and I wouldn't change a thing. I'm morally courageous, confident, liberated, and not bashful in the slightest. So, feel free to ask anything. For the greatest service we can ever provide, is the service to others. And as a pursuer of knowledge, the only logical desire or motive to do so is to share that knowledge with the world in hopes of elevating our species. All I ask? Please pay it forward...&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22248" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-01T04:35:50.750" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T04:35:50.750" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="18998" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18996" CreationDate="2018-10-01T03:01:05.647" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I ask him if there's a reason why he's ignoring me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't&lt;/strong&gt;. Or at least not over text. You've already sent 10 unreplied-to messages. Another one is not going to make it more likely for you to get a response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I too am terribad at responding. For me, as the number of messages I need to reply to grows, the likelihood I'll reply shrinks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I do, should I [...] just wait until I see him in person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's where things really depend on what you want out of this and how you see your friendship. Regardless of what you're looking for though, I'd steer the conversation to the texts by referencing one of the jokes/memes you sent:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That reminds me of that one meme I sent you where ____ was ____! Did you see it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He might apologize for his lack of responses then and there if he's caught on from the texts with the mutual friend. This would allow you to gauge his reaction and act accordingly. If not however, how you bring it up may depend on your goal. For me though, I'd try to suss out how he feels about being texted that much by asking if this is something he wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you've seen the meme conversation to it's conclusion I'd bring up the lack of responses like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Speaking of memes I sent you, I feel like I totally bombarded your inbox with a one way conversation these last three weeks! Should I stop sending you so many?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then from there you could gauge his reaction. But again, this all depends on what you're wanting for the friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T03:01:05.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18722" CreationDate="2018-10-01T07:17:48.037" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Given the fact that she didn't really respond at all or express discomfort, I think what you did, not say anything and carry on as if it didn't happen, is really the best course of action. She probably realizes that morning wood is a natural occurence unrelated to arousal. I think saying anything would have drawn unnecessary attention to it and made it a bigger deal than it really was. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she did appear uncomfortable or bring it up, I think the best way to go about it would be to address it like, &quot;oh, that happens sometimes, no big deal.&quot; You could explain to her what it is, in case she doesn't know. You could introduce a bit of humor, like &quot;oh yup, part of the deal of being a dude,&quot; though that might be a little riskier. Assure her that there's no reason for her to feel uncomfortable as you aren't sexually attracted to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastActivityDate="2018-10-01T07:17:48.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19009" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18894" CreationDate="2018-10-01T18:46:08.547" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Time your communication better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling her that she is being hurtful is not very amicable and would likely result in further defensive responses as it is probably hurtful that you do not like her food any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on your story, I believe the biggest stumbling block is the timing of your communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;When I see that she is about to prepare a (non-vegan) cake, I ask her, why not use some Maizena (or some compote, depending) instead but she always told me &quot;that's not how I learned to cook&quot; or some similar excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;why not use some Maizena&quot; is specifically provoking a defensive response because the simple answer is &quot;I am not familiar with it, why are you pushing this in my face right now?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trying to change the way that someone does something in the middle of execution is downright the most ineffective way of getting a person to change what they are doing. It provokes a sense of defensiveness because you are asking them to change in the middle of auto-pilot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, it is specific to cooking but it's true in countless aspects. Consider the following scenarios:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To a student: hey I see you're studying biology tonight from textbook xyz, may I suggest textbook abc instead? It's better you know.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To a carpenter: hey I see you're about to install the standard oak handrail, would you mind using this exotic wood instead?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To a mechanic: Hey I see you're about to change my oil, can you rotate my tires first?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you see what I am getting at? You need to have a damn good reason for interrupting execution. Damn good reasons are usually limited to safety (hey, don't use peanuts or else 2 people will be hospitalized) and money (I know you were gonna install oak but I will pay for the labor and expenses for the exotic wood so make it happen, thanks.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see you have tried this multiple times but your results have been absolutely futile because she resorts to being defensive due to bad timing on your part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, based on her cooking vegan stuff sometimes does make it clear that she is trying and being receptive to your needs so that is good news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to wait until a neutral time (2PM on a Sunday maybe?) when you can bring up your dietary wants. Additionally, now would be a good time to apologize that you've been trying to interject your veganism in the middle of meal-prep. State how much you appreciate the vegan dishes that she does make. Do not place blame for her wanting to cook in a way which is familiar. If you try telling her that she is being hurtful at any point then that will result in further defensiveness. &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; need to meet half way and offer to always keep egg substitutes stocked and provide some sort of ratio chart of one egg to whatever substitute. &lt;strong&gt;YOU&lt;/strong&gt; should take this time to preemptively offer to cook dessert for a week straight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since this conversation will be held during a neutral time, you may even request your mother to take some time on non-busy day and teach you what she knows and you can collaborate and chime in with the substitutes that you know. This way you will both learn in a safe setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being vegan is &lt;strong&gt;YOUR&lt;/strong&gt; want in life so you absolutely cannot expect people to bend over backwards for you. However, people are usually willing to accommodate with enough notice so always be grateful anytime anyone steps out of their comfort zone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about all of the things you had to learn and internalize when you made the choice to be vegan. Asking someone else to do the same in the middle of meal-prep is quite an egregious request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6054" LastEditorUserId="6054" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T14:52:58.570" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T14:52:58.570" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19012" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-02T05:57:04.140" Score="3" ViewCount="648" Body="&lt;p&gt;How would one greet a person on his/her birthday today, (at least some sort of greeting to acknowledge his/her birthday) especially when his/her father died yesterday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am from Sri Lanka and he is from India and we are working in Middle East. The greeting would happen face to face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's an old friend who is now a colleague too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22280" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T13:00:42.867" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:19:57.027" Title="How would one greet a person on his/her birthday today, especially when his/her father died yesterday?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;india&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19012" CreationDate="2018-10-02T06:36:56.240" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being an Indian, I hope this answer would help you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to greet your friend with different manner because the situation is sad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Before birthday greeting, you need to give condolence.&lt;/strong&gt; While giving your condolence, initially just sit calmly near your friend for some time because atmosphere is very sad. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just give one hug to your friend. If he wants to cry on shoulder then Let him cry. Spend some time with your friend because now he needs someone close to share his father's memories. Please don't bring any cake with you because situation is not that much enjoyable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Initially just say few words,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;The incidence is very sad. You need to face the incidence with strong mind. The uncle can not come back. You have to accept the reality. Slowly you need to forget the things. I am with you. Don't worry&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Spend whole day with your friend. According to situation and if there is a need then spend some more time with him. Your friend needs mind support so you will have to be there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If possible go somewhere else (other than home), I mean to some peaceful place so that he will feel better. Bring some snacks or food which he likes. Change the topic to something interesting so that there is some smile on his face. If possible, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Create a scenario so that he will forget the incidence for some time. And according to the somewhat changed situation, greet him for his birthday.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;strong&gt;Wish you many many happy returns of the day. A very happy birthday ! I wish you will get great, successful, healthy and long life ahead.&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can try to make him busy for whole day in another interesting stuff then you can try that also.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T18:19:57.027" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:19:57.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18722" CreationDate="2018-10-02T07:57:37.830" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I believe you made the situation a bit awkward by not saying anything though apparently worked well enough in your case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was me I would just turn away from her saying something like &quot;Hey at least it isn't bleeding for a week every month&quot; and pretend to go back to sleep while she has time to regain control of herself and get ready to leave the tent. As noted in the comments this would be pretty inappropriate joke if it was a complete stranger next to you, but I presume it wouldn't be to your childhood friend that you grew up with. You can say pretty much whatever that can be taken as a joke to lighten up the situation and show that you find it humorous and not awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After things settled down I would go out and apologize and try to explain a little. In the lines of &quot;I am sorry if that startled you this morning, but it is just biology. It happens to all the healthy 18 year olds out there.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience things unsaid and ignored tend to pile up and cause issues in the future and after all it isn't something you should feel ashamed or awkward about. To be honest it would have been more worrying if you didn't get an erection in this situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18855" LastEditorUserId="18855" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T05:42:10.330" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T05:42:10.330" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19012" CreationDate="2018-10-02T09:54:41.157" Score="6" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wish them a happy birthday and remind them that they can talk to you about their loss and their pain, but &lt;strong&gt;do not try to comfort them&lt;/strong&gt;. They need to know you haven't forgotten their birthday, yet that you're not expecting them to be joyful on that day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Further explanation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's a novel I recently read where a man lost his wife while she was giving birth to his first child. His daughter's birthday would always be the day he lost his beloved spouse and therefore, he would never totally enjoy his daughter's special day. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-support-a-friend-who-lost-a-parent_n_5af597a9e4b0e57cd9f8c3e2&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Grieving may change the signification&lt;/a&gt; and atmosphere of some special days like Father's Day or a birthday for people who lost someone. What you need to know is that although the temptation to comfort them is strong, you should not try to do it. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.refugeingrief.com&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;It has been proven&lt;/a&gt; that the most effective thing one can do to help someone who's going through difficult times is only to &lt;strong&gt;acknowledge their pain&lt;/strong&gt;. If you try to comfort them, it could sound like it's either not a big deal (&lt;em&gt;&quot;these things happen&quot;&lt;/em&gt;) or that it shouldn't hurt (&lt;em&gt;&quot;you'll get through this&quot;&lt;/em&gt;). For instance, this is why saying to someone whose marriage came to an end&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're a good person. You'll easily find a new partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;would not necessarily help them. &lt;strong&gt;They need to go through the sadness process&lt;/strong&gt;. By comforting them, you deprive them of one precious thing that is that &lt;strong&gt;they know you know&lt;/strong&gt;. You know what they're going through. Comforting them might make them feel that you don't understand what they're going through and how bad they're hurt. Letting them tell you their story is the first step toward acceptance and healing. I know it's difficult because we hate seeing our relatives suffer and we'd like to do anything we can to help them, but this is the most effective way to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering this, you could say to your friend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob, I know these last days must have been incredibly hard. I'd still like to wish you a happy birthday. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I'm here if you want to talk about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wishing them a happy birthday makes them know you remembered and care about them, yet with the other sentences, you let them know that you understand their pain. When this latter alleviates, they may be able to celebrate again, but right now, all they need is that you don't forget them and express your caring through these tough times. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-10-02T10:08:20.477" LastActivityDate="2018-10-02T10:08:20.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19019" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="215" CreationDate="2018-10-02T14:19:55.413" Score="1" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Instead of giving your personal number, Ask their personal number&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very common scenario. I have also faced this situation many times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Instead of rejecting your mobile number, you can use following trick&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;If the person asks your phone number then,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In reply to him, instead of giving your personal number, just politely ask his own mobile number- &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Please give me your number instead, You can ping me anytime on my Facebook messenger. I would like to call you back&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Share your Facebook id to him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He will understand easily that you don't want to share your number. He will surely not again ask you your phone number.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T03:56:33.703" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T03:56:33.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19021" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-02T18:44:30.697" Score="7" ViewCount="788" Body="&lt;p&gt;We all met each other at a sports association in college, where we formed a team. Over the years, some people quit and 4 of us were left. We had regular dinners and started going on holidays together. During one holiday, one of the friends got suddenly very upset with another friend, for no logical reason. It resulted in a horrible day, and the next days were also not fun. For most of the holidays that followed this one, she often canceled. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 3 of us now want to go on a holiday without her. But, since we still are a bit in contact, we think it is better to tell her about it. We expect that if she were to find out afterwards she would be more hurt. I, however, fear that she will get very upset and it will end our friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people online suggested to tell her but not to give any reasons, as this may lead to a back-and-forward argumentation fight, which sounds awful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can you tell a friend that you prefer to exclude her from a 'group'-holiday?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further details:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We did not exclude her because she often cancels, but because the holiday probably will be nicer without her. Among my friends I am the one who has most contact with her. We used to hang out a lot more (back when I lived nearby). She has some issues with planning and sleeping and is someone who seems to see negative things in everything and also fights a lot. But I don't want to hurt her and end the friendship. The other friends feel like they can't be themselves around her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22294" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T11:28:26.797" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T11:28:26.797" Title="How can I tell a friend from a friend group the group wants to go on holiday without her?" Tags="&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19022" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19021" CreationDate="2018-10-02T19:01:08.927" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;**heavily edited answer due to comments from OP since asking the original question **&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think would be fair to talk to her about the holiday before she starts seeing posts on social media. Some may argue her cancelling on the last few trips justifies not inviting her on this occasion and gives you guys a free pass to go ahead without involving her; however, there’s clearly a deeper issue which needs resolving. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You describe your friend as someone who has a negative view of everything; as being generally disruptive; and makes those around her feel uncomfortable about being themselves. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She appears to have recognised this and apologised for ruining a previous trip but instead of resolving these issues and moving on as a group she has distanced herself and it seems that resentment has built up in your other friends and they don’t appear to like her anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are stuck in the middle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like I say, I think it’s fair to speak with her about going away without her. Try doing so on her terms, in a call or preferably face to face. Make it clear to her that you wish to remain friends and that you don’t want to see the group break apart but that on this occasion the three of you are arranging a trip without her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make it clear that you don’t understand why she has avoided the last few trips she has been invited on and would like to work that out if possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don’t say anything that assumes you know why she avoids these trips or how she feels about the group; allow her to open up about that if she wants to. Remember she apologised for her behaviour previously so as friends that should have been an issue laid to rest. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speak with the other two friends also, before speaking with her. Let them know your intention and see if they would be willing to try working things out if she agrees to it. Then if your friend is willing, the four of you can get together later and talk. It would also help make your chat with her more about “we the group” than just yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21656" LastEditorUserId="21656" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T07:59:09.123" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T07:59:09.123" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19024" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19021" CreationDate="2018-10-02T20:46:38.313" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Amoung my friends I am the one who has most contact with her. We used&#xA;  to hang out a lot more (back when I lived nearby). She has some issues&#xA;  with planning and sleeping and is someone who seems to see negative&#xA;  things in everything and also fights a lot. But I don't want to hurt&#xA;  her and end the friendship. The other friends feel like they can't be&#xA;  themselves around her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your comment, I believe meeting up with her one-on-one and having an honest conversation with her would be the best in terms of coming clean about the upcoming holiday without her and possibly helping her grow as a person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask to meet for coffee or drinks, whatever is casual, say you want to catch up (or call her and ask if she has some time to chat since it seem you may not be too close in proximity). Have some nice small talk then go into the fact that you actually want to discuss your friend group. Tell her that the three of you are going away on holiday and the group as a whole felt it best to not invite her after the incident at X holiday. Ask her about the incident and get her side (if you hadn't already) and ask why she hasn't come to the last three, as in did this incident have anything to do with it and why. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using I (or we, in this case) statements will/should help alleviate her from feeling attacked. &quot;We felt a very negative energy from you.&quot; &quot;We feel uncomfortable around you at times.&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A person may not realize how much their actions affect others (maybe she does since she stopped coming). Hopefully this incites some self-reflection on her part (and maybe you see a different side and see you could have acted better in a situation). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, my friendships have grown stronger after such conversations. It shows you care about her and her views. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things to keep in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Listen to her and don't interrupt or try to put words in her mouth&lt;/strong&gt;. Let her finish her thought, acknowledge it (try to use an empathy statement, &quot;I see how you could feel X because of Y&quot;). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Remain calm and factual&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try not to speak for others. If she asks specific questions and you don't know the reasoning or answer, tell her, &quot;I can't speak to Alice's point of view but from what I understand or saw, this is how I feel about Z.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&#xA;This comes from personal experience. I had this happen in my own friend group and had a very real, honest, and open conversation with a friend. I was able to see where she was coming from instead of making assumptions and realized how my and other's actions attributed to her feeling/acting the way she did. &#xA;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2018-10-02T20:46:38.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19026" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-02T22:37:42.550" Score="-2" ViewCount="705" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I criticize circumstances or a person who caused something or did something that is worsening something's or someone's current situation, people tell me stuff like &quot;do it better yourself&quot;, &quot;you do the same&quot;, etc. and just instantly kill the whole discussion. Most of the time I am aware that I do those mistakes too. But apparently me having done what I am criticizing is enough for people to not even discuss the problem with me or declare all of my arguments as invalid because &quot;but you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't only the case when I am the one doing or having done the mistake I am criticizing. It is also the case if the person or institution who I am siding with in a discussion is doing or has done it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometime ago, German media was criticizing that there were cases in Turkey where people were way too long in custody before being presented to a judge or even properly looking at the case. When I tried to talk with people around me about that, of them just argued &quot;Well, that stuff also happens in Germany.&quot; and just stopped the discussion because of this empty phrase.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I deal with this? Whenever people use those killer arguments, I think to myself &quot;well, that's true but that doesn't change the current situation at all. It just hinders progression.&quot; I don't know how to properly convey this thought of mine to people who seemingly don't want to discuss in a fruitful manner. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want them to understand that those arguments aren't enough to stop the discussion. This is just an assumption, but I don't think that those people think they are souring the conversation. I feel like they are genuinely thinking that using arguments which fall under the category &quot;but you&quot; are arguments which have any validity. To me these &quot;arguments&quot; feel empty. I don't want to come over like I am better than them. I am not. If my attitude towards this problem is wrong, I would really like to hear why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My primary goal is the situation's improvement. When I am criticizing someone, it isn't just for the sake of criticizing or being on a moral high ground. The most famous occurrence of this is when someone goes on and on about how bad something is but doesn't do anything to improve the situation himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22302" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T01:12:30.840" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T01:12:30.840" Title="How to deal with people who instantly end discussions with a &quot;you aren't any better&quot; kind of argument?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-10-05T02:17:12.280" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19029" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19026" CreationDate="2018-10-02T23:39:13.670" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm reminded of these two idioms:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pot calling the kettle black.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of which roughly equate to that you shouldn't be pointing out flaws in other people that you also have i.e. you're a hypocrite. I use this type of language to indicate to the speaker to empathy with the other party. If your solution is so simple, why haven't you done it yourself? It's very easy to criticize other people for not doing enough, but maybe what you propose isn't easy at all, which you would know if you did it yourself. An recent example on SO being overweight parent blaming their daughter's laziness for her weight problems. If losing weigh is so easy, why are the parents overweigh too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to your original question, &lt;strong&gt;how do you continue the conversation when you encounter this argument of &amp;quot;you do it too?&amp;quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. Here are some suggestions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge that you (or your country, your team, etc) have this problem too and look for common factors that would solve the problem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Refute the claim. It's possible that you don't have this problem and warrants some explanation of why the two situations are different.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17869" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-02T23:46:42.450" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19026" CreationDate="2018-10-02T23:44:04.843" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;They are trying to end the discussion because they don't want to have it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to the personal example, you have to be very careful of being a hypocrite, because they are right, it does lessen your view if you yourself don't even believe them enough to have changed your own behavior. If you continue the behavior you are criticizing, why would someone listen to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the more global and political arguments, there are two options, either you know and expected them to make this argument, in which case you have evidence to dispute their claim and their point it moot. OR you are arguing from a less informed place then you re-frame and challenge. This is most definitely poor arguing skills and should be avoided, but if your opponent is not that great then it can work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Are you saying that our legal system is as broken as Turkeys?&quot;&#xA;&quot;I think that is a bold leap, do you have evidence to back that claim up?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or even a complete change of frame&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Ok if I accept that might be the case, then what is your proposed solution?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do you are flipping it back on them to force them to defend their position. And failing that changing the argument to a solution, which you can then poke holes in down the track.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be frank though, this is getting to the point of winning more than having meaningful conversation, and it already seems the other party is disinterested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastActivityDate="2018-10-02T23:44:04.843" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19032" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-03T03:30:00.763" Score="3" ViewCount="162" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to invite a Muslim friend and his family over for dinner and want to know how to casually inquire if they are strict Halal when it comes to food so that we can make the appropriate adjustments if need be. Or, can it be as easy as asking &quot;Are you Halal?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Duplicate question issue:&#xA;I do not consider this a duplicate question as the linked question doesn't cover my specific request of how to talk about Halal issues (they talk about everything but...). I'm merely asking for examples - I don't even know how to use the term &quot;Halal&quot; or if I should even use it.  Is it the same as/similar to &quot;Kosher&quot;. Is it wrong to even suggest that kind of comparison?  I imagine there are also varying degrees of adherence. It would be great to be able talk about it with some semblance of dignity without having to ask &quot;Do you guys....?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12858" LastEditorUserId="12858" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T17:20:19.360" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T17:20:19.360" Title="How to Ask a Muslim if He Adheres to strict Halal tradition" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-10-03T07:54:44.847" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19034" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19053" CreationDate="2018-10-03T10:54:12.290" Score="16" ViewCount="31692" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I forgot the birthday of my best friend. Later, when I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday. He is refusing my phone calls. I think he is angry at me. How can I convince him to forgive me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today is my friend's birthday. We have been best friends since childhood and we share everything with each other. We used to talk on phone daily about almost every topic. We also meet once every 3 to 4 months because he lives 65 km away from my city. I remembered his Birthday before, but today I forgot to wish him a Happy Birthday. When he called me in the morning, I was talking with him about other stuff and did not remember. A few hours later, I opened my Facebook account and there I saw the notification about his birthday. I called him immediately, but he has refused my phone call. (Generally, he doesn't refuse my calls).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Clarifications&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have wished him Happy Birthday by sending an SMS (of 'Happy Birthday') on his mobile.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can send another on Facebook messenger but he knows that I don't use it. Even if I use it then it will also not be enough for this special day.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I can not travel to his place today.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I cannot repeatedly call him on his mobile because he might be busy with his work. It may be possible in the evening but I don't know whether he will pick up or not.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Issue&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to say I am sorry about forgetting his birthday and want to wish him a Happy Birthday. How can I communicate with him so that he will forgive me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt; - Answer would be appreciated from any cultural background.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T22:07:42.533" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T22:07:42.533" Title="I forgot my friend's birthday, how can I convince him to forgive me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19035" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-03T12:10:12.720" Score="0" ViewCount="312" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a colleague, with whom I need to spend the most of my time. I personally feel that this person is not mature enough and does loose talk with others.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a very silent person and not prefer to react to any rumours or negative comments about me. My colleague does a negative campaign about me. I came to know these from other friends. He mostly says to other people the following sentences: &lt;em&gt;X is not serious about his work&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;people are saying that X wants to escape from his work&lt;/em&gt;,  etc.,  X here refers to my name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually never reacts anything after hearing these from my friends and I try to forget all these. I don't even like to react. But when the days are passing, the campaigning is happening at a higher rate if I am absent for some few days. Is it okay to ignore all these? If not, then how can I react to this silly propaganda? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18202" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T13:40:48.940" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T14:22:08.100" Title="How to handle negative campaign about me by a colleague" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-10-03T15:52:35.143" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19034" CreationDate="2018-10-03T12:13:21.153" Score="44" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don’t. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will find in life people forget things. Usually as people get older and more mature (past their teens) they care less about the occasion of their birthday. If as a grown man he’s honestly that upset about you forgetting his birthday (which right now you're simply assuming) then &lt;strong&gt;all you can really do is tell him &lt;em&gt;“I’m sorry”&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; because if he is a reasonable person then this should be all you need to do. Besides, he's your best friend and surely has better things to worry over than when during the day you wished him a happy birthday, if at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach works because in apologising you're saying you will try not to make that mistake again and that you acknowledge he might have been upset about it. I have had to do so myself because I tend to forget my niece's birthdays and since my mother died I don't have anyone sending me useful reminders about birthdays. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be cheerful about it - not remorseful - and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21656" LastEditorUserId="21656" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T15:36:00.163" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T15:36:00.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19034" CreationDate="2018-10-03T12:26:07.853" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If he is your best friend, I doubt he is going to break off his friendship with you over you failing one time to wish him a happy birthday or you not sending a gift to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest that the next time you two meet up and go out to dinner or some event like a football game, as a way of showing that his friendship means a lot to you, you should pay for everything. This act of kindness should heal the wound of you forgetting to wish him a happy birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he still treats you coldly after that, then he is a pretty petty person and you trying to maintain a long-term friendship with him may end up causing you a lot of grief down the road. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21891" LastEditorDisplayName="user21891" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T16:06:12.880" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T16:06:12.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19035" CreationDate="2018-10-03T13:51:44.923" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;A more Workplace-y answer but also usable as an IPS:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wherever you go, you will always have a detractor.  It may be someone that feels threatened by you.  It may be someone who just doesn't like you for whatever reason.  It may be someone who needs to expand their position and feels the need to do it at your expense. Or it may be someone who is just a jerk.  Either way, you wind up with rumors and gossip to contend with.  I've seen this in close to 40 years of working at almost every place I've worked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At work, there is one person that you need to impress: your boss.  The others are, although not irrelevant, secondary.  Your boss is the one that can fire you and determines your career advancement.  Co-workers come and go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this gossip concerns you, sit down with your boss.  Explain what's going on and your concern.  Get some honest performance feedback on how you are doing, and address that.  Don't get defensive; merely explain that you've heard rumors and you don't want that to affect your relationship with your boss.  Don't try to prove that wrong; that merely sends a red flag.  And keep in contact with your boss.  You don't need to be friends, but you do want your boss to see you as someone that they can depend on and to deliver consistent quality results.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, with respect to your friends (and not always at the workplace): don't get defensive here.  My response is usually something like &quot;[X] can flap their gums all they want.  I let my results speak for themselves&quot; and let it go at that.  That noise may bother you, but you can't let it appear to do so.  Merely stay confident, and deliver consistently.  When people see that you get stuff done and done well (including non-work activities), your co-worker will make him/herself look small by spreading (known to be) false gossip.  That shows you to be the grown-up in that interaction, and by playing the long game, you don't get down to that level.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T14:22:08.100" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T14:22:08.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19035" CreationDate="2018-10-03T14:06:05.747" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Stuff like &quot;X is not serious&quot; is a little foo fuzzy to me to take actions. First of all I recommend to ask your friends to not just listen to this but to scrutinize this person's statements right when they are made. Such like &quot;what makes you think X is not serious, X wants to escape?&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This requires the person to come up with facts - or identifies lies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This creates a fundament for you to take further actions. For example you have evidence to ask this person why they are lying about you, or to talk to your boss about false statements.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Or perhaps it reveals misunderstandings that you can clarify.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T14:06:05.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19041" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19045" CreationDate="2018-10-03T14:12:10.307" Score="18" ViewCount="1430" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently came across an article titled &lt;a href=&quot;https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/mans-guide-to-holding-space-slake/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;A Man's Guide To &amp;quot;Holding Space&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;, which was linked in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3607/21558&quot;&gt;an answer to this question&lt;/a&gt;. I had never heard the term before, but recognised some of my own patterns of behaviour, both in the original question, and in the article (especially the tendency to try and fix a problem I am told about).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; holding space?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to &lt;a href=&quot;https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/mans-guide-to-holding-space-slake/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;this article&lt;/a&gt;,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Holding space is not:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Just Listening&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Trying to fix, solve or provide alternative points of views for your partner&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Disconnecting or diminishing your partners emotional experience&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A one way conversation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Being disconnected from your own experience&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It then goes on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of it this way; when you hold space, you are creating a container for the other person’s emotions to come up, be seen without the interference of your own and be released.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Holding space is like creating a metaphorical bucket for someone to emotionally and verbally vomit into.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand the concept of holding space as being sympathetic, emotional support for someone when they have emotions which are troubling them and which they may not fully even understand themselves. I've certainly been there myself—wanting someone to &amp;quot;be there&amp;quot; for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is this short summary roughly correct?&lt;/strong&gt; The description above sounds an awful lot like &amp;quot;just listening&amp;quot; to me, which the article expressly states not to do. &lt;strong&gt;How can &amp;quot;holding space&amp;quot; best be described, without being self-contradictory?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;em&gt;How&lt;/em&gt; can I hold space?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When holding space for someone, the focus should (obviously) be on them. The article suggests what to do keep the focus on the other person,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give them permission to share, permission to trust their instincts/intuition and trust their internal wisdom;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Create the space for them to make decisions or take actions that might be different than your own.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However it provides no guidance on &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; to do these things. I also don't necessarily agree that it is always a good idea to let someone do these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give a personal example, the person might have extremely low self-esteem, and so their internal wisdom may tell them that they are to blame for a situation, or that they are fat, or stupid, or result in a number of other harmful conclusions. It is my instinct to try and nip these thoughts in the bud (e.g. &amp;quot;You're not stupid&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;It's not your fault&amp;quot;), but doing so invalidates the &lt;em&gt;feeling&lt;/em&gt; the other person has.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking of validation, the article makes it painfully obvious that validation is important,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Validation, validation, val-i-da-tion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What kinds of things can I say to someone that will achieve the multifaceted goal of &lt;strong&gt;keeping the focus on the person&lt;/strong&gt; I am holding space for, and simultaneously &lt;strong&gt;validate their feelings&lt;/strong&gt;, but &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; encouraging negative, self-deprecating thoughts?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;What if they happen to have low self-esteem, does this change things?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21558" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T15:13:28.283" Title="What is &quot;holding space&quot; and how do I do it?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;helping&gt;&lt;academic-research&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19041" CreationDate="2018-10-03T15:13:28.283" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my experience &quot;holding space&quot; is essentially a rebranding of empathetic response. It's something most people do naturally under the right circumstances, but it may require more effort for some people in some circumstances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you ever sat with someone who was dying? Not the going to die someday, or eventually, but someone who was going to die in the next few days/hours? You know you can't save them, you know there's nothing you can do to make things better... All you can do is &quot;hold space&quot; and allow them to go through what they're going through and be there with them completely while they do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Effectively you're giving yourself to someone, in a whole and compassionate way. Suddenly your schedule and needs and desires and ego fall away and you're just being there for them. It's not about saying or doing the right things. It's more about having your intentions in the right place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not really even about &quot;just listening&quot;. Of course much of it is listening, and I mean really listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak. But, well, most folks seem to &quot;just listen&quot; in an emotionally detached sort of way. This is almost the opposite. This is listening while fully emotionally engaged. Turn the empathy up, but turn the ego and judgement off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're effectively telling the person who you're holding space for that you're going to walk with them through whatever it is they're going through. That they're not alone. That you're there for them, and that this moment is 100% not about you, your thoughts, or your opinions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Admittedly it's easier to approach some situations this way. When it's someone you're close to, when there's nothing else you can really say, or do; you may find yourself doing it naturally. Or when it's someone who's going through something that you can relate to on a very personal level. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be harder when it's someone you don't know well, going through something that you can't directly relate to. The key seems to be that whole empathy thing. You may not know them personally, you may have never experienced what they're experiencing. But we're all human. For the most part, we all know what pain feels like, we know what sadness feels like, we know grief and anger, and so on... Even if you don't know the person or the situation, you know the feeling. You've likely experienced that feeling in some context, so you know, in some small way, what that feeling is like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you find this sort of thing difficult, it is a skill that can be learned with practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Go and speak with a hospice volunteer, someone who holds space on a regular basis, consider spending the day with them observing their work. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Sit in with group grief counseling meeting. Most places will have 12-step-like groups who meet to share and process their grief after the death of a loved one.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Volunteer at a soup kitchen or crisis center. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suppose &quot;holding space&quot; is hard to describe in words. It's something you have to see with your own eyes. It's something that you have to do, to really understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T15:13:28.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19046" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19034" CreationDate="2018-10-03T15:18:15.383" Score="6" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Show your apologies through actions rather than words.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actions speak louder than words and show more sincerity than merely saying &quot;sorry.&quot; Do something for him that shows you care about him. The following shows some suggestions for what this can be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It should be something he likes or appreciates. Don't pick something that only you would like.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This gesture should involve some level of effort on your part. For example, don't just buy something out of convenience. This &quot;effort&quot; could involve ordering a dinner, spending time with him, buying something that takes some thought, etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ideally, this gesture should not involve much commitment from your friend. For example, a movie could be a bad idea if your friend does not enjoy going out on weekday nights.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not overdo it. Don't buy him something super expensive or do something so elaborate that it makes the friend feel awkward.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Buying him lunch or dinner is a good staple. Since you can't visit his home today, then maybe ask if you could order something for him. Perhaps offer to take him (and his family) out to a movie next weekend. If there's a new movie that just came out on Blu-Ray, then offer to buy it and spend a weeknight or afternoon with him watching it. These are just examples. What you do should depend on what you know about him and what you both like to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22316" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T15:18:15.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="869" CreationDate="2018-10-03T16:58:45.807" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing that I thought of when reading your question is this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You cannot control other people ... they will say what they want. They have many years of developing habits of teaching you and guiding you. They will probably keep doing these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can control how you react. You can politely listen, thank them for their advice, and then do what you want. If you want to be treated like an adult, you have to act like one. I know you are not in the US, but this is what acting like an adult means here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are responsible:&lt;/strong&gt; you get up, take care of yourself, get to school and work, all of the things of daily activity ... &lt;strong&gt;without asking for or needing help from anyone.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are independent:&lt;/strong&gt; you pay for what you need. You buy your own food, clothes, transportation, housing, etc. ... &lt;strong&gt;without asking for or needing help.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are mature:&lt;/strong&gt; you can listen to someone share their opinion without feeling the need to change it or argue about it. It is just an opinion. Everyone has them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You are decisive:&lt;/strong&gt; you make decisions about your life on your own. You may ask advice once in a while, but you decide what is best on your own. You make your own schedule and set your own goals.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You care for your family:&lt;/strong&gt; you do what is needed to take care of your family. If they appreciate help with cooking, cleaning, car repairs, yard work, fixing the roof, babysitting, shopping, transportation, medical care, new glasses, caring for older family ... whatever they need or appreciate ... &lt;strong&gt;without expecting anything in return.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you live in their home, you will not be viewed as independent. Doing the other things on this list will change their view of you, however, but it will take way longer than you want it to. Basically, it will 'feel' like you are changing very quickly and they are not acknowledging it at all. This is true and you cannot change what people think or say. It is what it is. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will do and say what they want. It is their house, after all. You can react in a different way, though. You can be respectful, listen carefully, and then continue on with your adult life. You do not have to argue for adulthood ... you have to act like it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is one of those times when 'actions speak louder than words.' Act your age and you won't have to talk about it anymore. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you absolutely, obsessively MUST talk about this with them, put it on your calendar for an hour once every 2 months. During that one hour, every 2 months, you can tell them how it makes you feel and ask them to refrain from saying those things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The rest of the time, act like an adult: respect others' opinions but lead your own life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is just my opinion, or course. Feel free to ignore me or tell me why I am wrong. I admit I am not familiar with Asian households. I welcome the chance to become more educated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18633" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T16:58:45.807" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19048" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-03T17:37:57.827" Score="6" ViewCount="4818" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine, Chris, recently had a &lt;strong&gt;massive&lt;/strong&gt; falling out with their &quot;step-mom&quot;, Mary. That part they've learned to accept, but the problem is that Mary is the mother to one of Chris' siblings that they're really close with, Alex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever Alex wants to hang out at my Chris' house, it's usually Mary who brings them over. Apparently, up until this last incident, Mary would always come in the house and chat with Chris for a bit before heading out. Now Chris doesn't want her to come into their house at all when dropping Alex off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obviously a problem for Chris because they don't want to come off to Alex as someone not able to &quot;keep the peace&quot;--which is something Mary preaches heavily--but they also really want to set this boundary. They're very uncomfortable around Mary now and don't want them in their personal space.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's the best way for Chris to tell Mary that she is no longer welcome in their home?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8878" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-07-18T17:28:07.390" LastActivityDate="2019-07-18T17:28:07.390" Title="How to (politely) tell someone they are not welcome in your home" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19048" CreationDate="2018-10-03T18:28:03.003" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If Alex is a minor who is dependent on Mary for transportation, putting up with Mary's occasional presence may just be the price Chris has to pay for hanging out with Alex.  I don't see any way to say &quot;I don't want to associate with you, even in a casual situation&quot; without giving offense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any way Alex can take the bus over?  There is no mention of Alex's age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may even be a somewhat moot point.  There is no suggestion that Mary has tried to show up at Chris' house since the incident.  We have no idea what the incident was about, or how Mary feels about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, it isn't fair for Alex to be forced into the middle of this conflict.  I think it would be kindest if Chris were to try and meet Alex for a while at some kind of neutral location.  Perhaps a movie or play?  That would give Mary no reason or opportunity to linger.  Chris could offer to bring Alex home afterward.  If that goes well, perhaps another movie or other activity that would not be a drop-in sort of activity, and then Chris could take Alex to dinner afterward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would get the point across perhaps a bit more subtly, and without causing a scene unless Mary is determined to make one.  One doesn't always have to use words to communicate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1761" LastEditorUserId="1761" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T18:33:04.060" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T18:33:04.060" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19048" CreationDate="2018-10-03T19:30:51.113" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many people in this world face this exact dilemma: a child they love and adore can only be dropped off by someone they can't stand the sight of and don't want to speak to at all. It's more common when the &quot;someone&quot; is the other parent, but the concepts can apply in your case just as well. It may be more work than what you used to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, try to see Alex without getting Mary involved. This may mean going and picking them up, perhaps at a time when someone other than Mary is in the home. Or meeting them at school (with permission of course.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, when Mary drops Alex to you, meet them both at the door. Greet Alex warmly and happily. Alex has nothing to do with this disagreement with Mary. If you can, try to say &quot;thankyou for dropping Alex off&quot; or some other normal friendly thing that you would say to anyone, and half a sentence about when Mary will be back or when you'll be returning Alex or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not say &quot;come in, have a cup of tea!&quot; or whatever you used to say. Go ahead and be cold, but polite. Not pure icy silence, but nothing extra and no invitation. If Mary starts to say anything, such as &quot;aren't you going to invite me in&quot;, turn to Alex and say &quot;why don't you take your stuff to your room&quot; or &quot;why don't you get the controllers out and get X launched for us to play&quot; or whatever else is age appropriate for Alex to go and do. Once Alex is out of earshot, calmly say &quot;no, I don't that would be ok right now.&quot; Then again thank Mary for coming by with Alex and confirm when and how the visit will end. You are super happy to see Alex and you are a super co-operative adult in the visiting process. You just don't want to talk to Mary at all about anything including why you don't want to talk to Mary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she insists on discussing it, you can say that you think another time, when Alex is not around, would be better. Or that you need time to get over the upset of The Incident before discussing how you can move forward. Or that your therapist recommends you don't discuss this with her. Or whatever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then close your door.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The variant when picking Alex up is to greet Alex warmly, thank Mary for having Alex ready, and confirming the return time and protocol, then leaving. If you have to wait while Alex gets ready, you can just wait quietly without having any conversation. You can say the same sorts of things about not talking about it here and now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the same things apply when it's time for the visit to be over. Have Alex ready in advance of pickup so there's no &quot;standing around waiting&quot; for last minute packing, peeing, etc during which you and Mary aren't talking. Be polite but not warm, and don't talk about what you don't want to talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T19:30:51.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19052" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19058" CreationDate="2018-10-03T19:47:17.373" Score="5" ViewCount="672" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been friends with a girl, who I'll call Samantha, since high school. Four years ago, Samantha started a relationship with a lesbian, who I'll call Alex. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Alex is a genderfluid person and prefers they pronouns, but identifies as a lesbian. This does not relate to the question itself, just a guide about how to talk about them.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've known for several years that Alex has been emotionally and financially abusive to Samantha. I have rescued her from situations before, and Alex knows, but I appeared to move on. I continued to talk to them and be around them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After months of debate that I've supported her with, Samantha ended the relationship and gave Alex time to gather their things and leave. Alex even posted on Facebook that they'd hit Samantha and were being broken up with as a result. It was the most permanent break up I could imagine. I cut off all contact with Alex on social media afterwards and have not spoken to them since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the weeks passed, Samantha talked to me less and less, even though I checked up on her frequently. Alex continued to live there. I feared for the worst. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then the worst happened: they're back together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love Samantha so much and want her out of this relationship. I know I can't do that, but I want to be as good a friend to her as I can. How do I hang out with her now? How do I still be her friend and around her? Alex knows that I want nothing to do with them, and I have not unblocked them. I hate them and have hated them, but I've been nice to them for Samantha's sake for all these years. Now, though, things are much different. Samantha believes/knows I cannot be around Alex any more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr My friend got back with her abusive partner, who I've cut contact with. How do I hang out with her?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;edit: extra context, Alex and Samantha are very poor, I live with my parents and can't host them often, we all identify as white, and we live in the southeaster United States. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16855" LastEditorUserId="16855" LastEditDate="2018-10-03T19:58:06.397" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T05:49:24.950" Title="How do I deal with my friend's abusive partner who I've cut contact with?" Tags="&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;abuse&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2019-01-14T09:33:53.727" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19053" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19034" CreationDate="2018-10-03T22:17:38.083" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short answer: You can't.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no such thing as &lt;em&gt;convincing&lt;/em&gt; someone. You can display your arguments and that is all. The part of actually believing what you said/demonstrated is up to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having forgotten his birthday for a few hours doesn't diminish how much you care or how important the person is for you, those are separate facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are certain advantages in your situation that can help you feel better about this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have been friends for a long time and you have proven your&#xA;loyalty and fondness before.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have shown sincere regret for the action that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; have hurt him. You openly recognized that you could have done better and you have offered apologies.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are human. When the initial sting has dissolved, he will probably empathize with your falibility. After all, he is human too.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, he has shown signs of needing space. You have repeatedly reached for him, you have made your point of wanting to repair things. Silence and distance may be his way of digesting things. Concede him time and space to be calm, think, heal. Respect his process, this may increase your probabilities of him opening up to listen your version of things. You can even send a message saying &quot;I don't want to bother you, I'll stop calling. Please reach out when you want to talk to me.&quot; or something along those lines.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will be his choice to look at this from a different perspective. What you can do to &quot;fix&quot; it is forgiving yourself. You will know because you will no longer want to compensate a past event (which will never change), compensation comes from guilt. &#xA;Instead, you will continue to strive for a better friendship from where you stand. That's what will really allow you to leave it behind. He may forgive you too, one day, and if you have forgiven yourself, you will be ready for when he does. Then you can start a new page, a guilt/blame-free relationship again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22325" LastActivityDate="2018-10-03T22:17:38.083" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19055" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19052" CreationDate="2018-10-04T01:43:08.520" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I ran into a similar situation with a friend some years back. She was dating an angry, abusive man. He was the very definition of toxic masculinity, but &lt;em&gt;&quot;I didn't know him like she knew him, and he was different when it was just the two of them...&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I voiced my objections when I first met him. It wasn't hard to see what kind of man he was. When I had the chance to speak to her alone I warned her that he checked more than a few boxes for &quot;potential abuser&quot;. Unfortunately she became pregnant shortly thereafter and then married him. Long story short, I ended up having to tell her something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know I care about you and I'll always be here for you, but I think you're making a mistake. If you ever want to talk or hang out, I'll be around...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course the abusive partner didn't want her to have anything to do with anyone who questioned his role in her life, so we lost touch for a while. But I made the point to leave the door open and check in from time to time. So eventually when she finally had enough of the abuse, and divorced him, we managed to pick up where we left off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't save people from making their mistakes. No matter how much you want to, or how good your intentions may be, they're going to do what they're going to do. Gods know I've been in my share of relationships that all my friends warned me about, and no matter of them telling me, kicking me, or screaming at me could keep me from falling in love with terrible people and having terrible relationships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good friends are still there when you eventually pull your head out of your ***, that's what friends do, and sometimes that's all they can do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T01:43:08.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19056" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19059" CreationDate="2018-10-04T01:52:28.617" Score="6" ViewCount="1232" Body="&lt;p&gt;So the context of this question is as follows: I attended a friend’s art opening a week or so ago. It was a pleasant, low key affair and a few of the people in attendance tangentially were connected via a common arts organization we all volunteer at. This art show was a group show completely disconnected from this arts organization; simply a common group of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, no drinking is happening so alcohol cannot be blamed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the opening proceeds I run into someone I met at one point—about 1 to 2 years ago—at said arts organization and he introduces himself to me, I introduce myself to him and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“I met you a few years ago. I’m not too sure you remember, but we did.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some reason he seemed to be excessively offended by me mentioning that and responded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Oh, I don’t remember you… But we met a few years ago?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Yes…”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And he says again:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Well, I don’t remember you… But you remember me right? I guess you know better than me, right?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then this awkward back and forth goes on an on for a few rounds and it feels a bit uncomfortable to aggressive on his part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation changes, and then this is where it gets weirder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As the night progresses, no matter what the topic, if we were together he would endlessly say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Oh, I met Jake before. In the past I guess. I don’t remember. But he said so.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This goes on and on so much other people are looking at the other guy quizzically as well. I’m trying to “grin and bear” it, but it’s painful. I didn’t want to confront this guy in the middle of the opening because that would have ruined our friend’s event. And given this guys odd behavior, who knows how bad that could have been.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It even spiraled to the end where I said, “Gotta go! Nice meeting you!” And everyone is nice and polite… Except for “that guy” who is aggressively shaking my hand and repeating:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Well, it was nice to meet you… But we apparently met before and I don’t remember you from then. But still, goodnight!”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While some of this might seem comical, a lot of the interactions were just straight out passive aggressively weird. Real sense of hostility. No real humor to deliver or intonation. My sense is he knew he was at a sensitive social event and was “testing limits” for his own enjoyment. Other people seemed to sense this as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;So when all is said and done, could there have been a way to politely get this guy to stop being a jerk at this event?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How would it be possible to stop someone like this without making a scene? Is the solution as simple as a, “Hey… Let’s talk…” followed by leading said person to a quiet place—even outside of the venue—to confront them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Please note that the fact this happened in the context of an art opening with colleagues from an art organization has little bearing on this behavior. The person in question is not trying to be “witty” or cool but was genuinely aggressive.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T13:45:43.327" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T19:51:40.937" Title="How to deal with someone attempting to “push buttons” and pick fights during casual social gatherings?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19058" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19052" CreationDate="2018-10-04T02:42:22.353" Score="8" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Hang out with Samantha without Alex&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just because they are in a relationship doesn't mean that they're joined at the hip.  Your dislike of Alex is already known, so simply ask Samantha to hang out without Alex.  While you're hanging out, discuss topics unrelated to their relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't let Alex join the two of you on your hangouts if they try.  You don't have authority over Samantha's life, but you do have authority over your own, and Alex is no longer allowed to take part in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Samantha will likely get pushback from Alex about this plan.  Abusers typically try and isolate their victims from the victim's support networks.  There is a very good chance that eventually Alex will force Samantha to choose between them and hanging out with you.  When they do, abide by whatever choice Samantha makes (as much as you hate it, it's still her choice to make), but if she chooses Alex make it clear that you will support her if she ever changes her mind, and keep in contact with her through more remote means (phone calls, texting, Facebook, pen pals).  Don't try and pressure her to change her decision, but always make sure she knows that you'll support her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The hangouts you arrange don't have to be just you and Samantha.  While Alex is very definitely excluded, that doesn't mean that you can't have other friends there with you.  This has two added benefits - one is that by helping Samantha make friends (or stay close to her existing ones) you strengthen her support network.  Secondly, it weakens Alex's ability to use a theoretical romantic entanglement between you and Samantha as a pretext for ending your hangouts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastEditorUserId="7752" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T05:49:24.950" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T05:49:24.950" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19056" CreationDate="2018-10-04T03:17:07.763" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There was a point where you could have defused it if you'd detected the &quot;ramp-up&quot; in his responses.  When he questioned your statement for the second time:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;“Well, I don’t remember you… But you remember me right? I guess you know better than me, right?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a sign that, despite reasonable expectations in a social setting, this is something the other person wants to push on (especially with that &quot;know better than me&quot; part).  To defuse that, you could have responded with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Perhaps I've misremembered.  Well, if we haven't met before, I'm pleased to meet you now.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By saying this, you accept blame on yourself and redirect the discussion.  I've used this approach many times, though not specifically about past meetings with the person I'm talking to.  (I've used it when someone else and I disagree on some memory or some unimportant fact.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you only realize later that he's going to be weird about it, you can still try the &quot;perhaps I'm mistaken&quot; approach.  The longer he's been carrying on the less likely it is to work with him, but the other people around you will hear you too.  All you can do at that point is to rely on them to realize which of you is behaving inappropriately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastEditorUserId="106" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T15:13:54.213" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T15:13:54.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19062" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19065" CreationDate="2018-10-04T07:45:40.927" Score="25" ViewCount="6265" Body="&lt;p&gt;Every single day at 3:45 PM Bob rings the doorbell at work. Every single day I answer the door and hand Bob a small amount of paperwork. Every single day there is about 10 seconds as Bob flips through the paperwork checking that everything is in order and occasionally (1/50) make some note or request at the end of the 10 seconds. &lt;strong&gt;Normally&lt;/strong&gt; the polite thing to do would be to make some idle, friendly smalltalk until he confirms that its all good and I lock the door and go back inside. However, we have been making the same comments for almost a year and because of this I feel the etiquette may be different to the usual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to my colleagues and I that we have a polite, friendly and professional relationship with Bob. A few things have come up over the past year (e.g. I know Bob has one son and one daughter and he knows I play recreational table tennis) but in general 10 seconds is not long enough to properly get to know someone. Conversations can sometimes resume the next day but that is a moot point because I have no interest whatsoever in getting to know Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I can tell Bob seems equally happy not to engage in any conversation that would take extra time and just stick with being polite in the minimalist sense of the word. But it is not exactly clear to me what that means in our scenario. It is hard for me to believe that proper etiquette would be to repeat the same pleasantries 100 times (they are certainly &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; pleasant by this point) but saying nothing (which to be honest is what I feel like doing) seems like it could be misinterpreted as stand-offish and having good professional etiquette takes priority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;What is the standard/polite etiquette for 10 seconds of smalltalk in a workplace when you repeat the exact same process with the exact same person every single day?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Smalltalk lasts only as long as we each have to stand there, it does not make Bob go slower and the second he is done we stop talking.&#xA;Here is an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Hey, &lt;strong&gt;Bob:&lt;/strong&gt; How's it going?, &lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Good thanks here is today's, &lt;strong&gt;Bob:&lt;/strong&gt; Thank you, hot day right?, &lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; you betcha, &lt;strong&gt;Bob:&lt;/strong&gt; More than usual? &lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah, everyone must be speeding things up as we get closer to the end of the year, &lt;strong&gt;Bob:&lt;/strong&gt; Well, its all good, &lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Thanks, bye.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T11:17:40.150" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T17:14:47.227" Title="What is the etiquette for smalltalk in a workplace when the context and person is always the same?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;australia&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19064" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19080" CreationDate="2018-10-04T07:56:41.337" Score="18" ViewCount="11159" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’d like to know how I can make people stop telling others every single thing I tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here’s a dialog between me and my high-school classmate, in class:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Me: In case you can’t eat any more, can I have the rest? (Out of taste)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My colleague: No.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My colleague: Look, that guy asked me if he can eat my hamburger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then my colleague changed her mind and she gave me the hamburger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also had an experience similar into this one before, and many times in elementary school. I live in Romania.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there a way which you can speak to others in such that others won’t need to tell to others about what I told them or asked them?&lt;/strong&gt; It’s really disrupting me and annoys me that they act like it is so weird. I wish there would be a way to put an end to this kind of situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, when you see someone eating something and you would like to how how it tastes, how do you ask your colleague in such a way that they wont tell others what you asked?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I asked my colleague about this, is because I felt taste for it to eat, because I wanted to try how does the hamburger tastes different from shaorma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before one of my colleagues invited me and other one with her in one desk, so that we can talk in a break time, and she allowed me to eat from what she eats and she didn’t repeat it to others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't seem like a weird request to me. I ask my mother or my sister sometimes this. And according to my logic, it is polite to ask someone. If that person says, no, then I respect their wish. Sharing food is one of the ways you can build good relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some info:&#xA;1. I'm 19 years old, and she's 18 years old. Some of my class are 18 years old. And I'm 1 year ahead of them in grade 12( the final school year).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13918" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T08:22:58.483" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T11:37:49.313" Title="How do I prevent people from repeating to others everything I say to them?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;&lt;high-school&gt;&lt;students&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-10-08T11:51:40.300" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19065" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19062" CreationDate="2018-10-04T08:44:24.450" Score="36" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What is the standard/polite etiquette for 10 seconds of small talk in a workplace when you repeat the exact same process with the exact same person every single day?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if there's exactly a standard etiquette for this specific situation. But from what I know, &lt;em&gt;the core of etiquette boils down to being considerate of others feelings and being considerate of what's customary in a society, in all situations where people interact with each other.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;sub&gt; 1&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Working from that premise: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You seem to feel no need to get to know Bob better, have been making standard polite small talk, and have thus been polite (even as you call it 'minimalist').&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob seems equally disinterested in making more than the standard small talk you've been making for a long time now and seems to prefer to stick with the minimalist approach to politeness. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;10 seconds isn't long, Bob has to check the papers during those 10 seconds, acknowledge you and that the papers are okay, and move on to whatever comes next. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as I can see here, &lt;strong&gt;you're already taking into account a consideration for Bob's feelings&lt;/strong&gt;, and unless you get the impression that Bob is dying to talk more to you, to tell you more about his life and/or know more about yours, I would not change whatever you're doing now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As for being considerate of what's customary in a society:&lt;/strong&gt; I would compare Bob's job to that of a cashier, a job that I did for a few years. You get a customer, you say hi, scan their products, conduct a monetary transaction and say bye. Sometimes you get a small peek into the customer's private life (they have a son, daughter, or play a sport), but most often it's just 10 seconds of doing your job and being polite about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Customs may differ per society, but in The Netherlands, society may even consider a larger amount of small talk than what's currently happening as rude and inconsiderate. Society says it's customary to not hold up the person that's delivering your packages by talking more than necessary with them (Hi, thanks, would you sign here, the pen isn't working, have a nice day!). You're not supposed to hold up the cashier and the line with more small talk then it takes to conclude the transaction either. I'd say the same probably goes for Bob and his job. Both Bob's feelings and society so far seem to focus on allowing Bob to get on his way again as soon as possible, so your current approach seems perfectly considerate of what's customary in society. &lt;strong&gt;Unless you're getting signals that you're doing something wrong, don't change it&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't mean you can get away with saying nothing: It is more polite to acknowledge Bob with more than a grunt or a nod, and complete silence is even ruder. I'd advise against complete silence or the always grunting, as I certainly didn't like having customers reacting with only a grunt or ignoring my 'hello' or 'I wish you a pleasant day'. I found them quite rude. &lt;strong&gt;Just as society expects you to not hold someone up, it does expect you to acknowledge someone that's helping you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. &lt;a href=&quot;https://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etiquette&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;loosely translated from the Dutch Wikipedia page on etiquette&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T17:09:45.100" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T17:09:45.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19067" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19064" CreationDate="2018-10-04T08:52:28.587" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your Example&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In above example, you can communicate in following way,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You: If you don't mind, may I taste it? Next time I will tell my mom to prepare same for us&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way which you can speak to others in such that others won’t need to tell to others about what I told them or asked them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Short Answer&lt;/strong&gt; -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can analyze their behavior patterns and accordingly communicate with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Further Explanation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here, measure issue is the perception of the other member that how he/she interpret your communication. It depends upon trust between one another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't change others but instead you can make changes in your way of communication (I am not saying you are bad in communication). I mean, you can change your way of communication according to atmosphere in your organization.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are talking about grapevine communication which is unofficial, informal and personal communication that takes place in an organization as a result of gossip and rumor. This type of communication can distort facts and create conflict or misunderstanding. It is very important that you identify them ahead of time. When people don’t have all the facts in hand, they tend to speculate information and create distorted facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Focus on&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can focus on following things,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Focus and understand on the “why” before engaging in communication&#xA;to avoid ratholes and side issues&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listen&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make your message as easy and simple to digest as possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Avoid using words that can be confusing.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be clear and direct to the point.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things (or if possible make above positive changes in you according to their behavior patterns). This happens in many organizations. you need to concentrate on your work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T18:14:01.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19064" CreationDate="2018-10-04T09:01:00.307" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, you won't be able to avoid those situation in the future, but maybe next time you will be more prepared to face them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My opinion regarding the 'hamburger' situation, you should make the whole thing as &lt;strong&gt;coming from their side&lt;/strong&gt;, not yours.&#xA; In your example make her offer you the rest of the hamburger without even asking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am gonna write you down some scenarios to the 'hamburger' situation hopping it will help you in many other cases: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1: Instead of asking her : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In case you can’t eat any more, can I continue for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should say : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am really curious how it tastes. Maybe next time I will order the&#xA;  same seeing you eating with such a big appetite. Is it good?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;and maybe after that she will say: &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You can take the rest if you want since I am already full.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(instead of throwing the rest of the hamburger, she will pass it to you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2: Let's say the scenario you've presented already took place and you want to solve this issue of her being like that. Say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, I didn't mean to offend you by asking for the rest, I was just&#xA;  curious about the taste. Sorry for the misunderstanding!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if you are good fellas and not just random colleagues, that share no more than few words a day:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you say it a bit louder, maybe they didn't hear you! (and laugh)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes turning the situation into something funny, shows a sign of an intelligent and relaxed person, who has control over any situation. Just be careful, when choosing to be ironic / sarcastic because not everybody understands it and you might end up being creepy or silly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3: Just tell them straight that your intention was simple and if they want to mock you, they better find something else to do because you won't tolerate that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was asking you politely, you don't have tell that to everyone. Sorry, next time I will think twice before I'll speak my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should keep in mind is that &lt;strong&gt;you should not tolerate, they mocking you, if it makes you uncomfortable&lt;/strong&gt;! &#xA;Sometimes &lt;strong&gt;making the whole thing coming from their side&lt;/strong&gt; or &lt;strong&gt;turning an unpleasant situation into something funny&lt;/strong&gt;, might help you deal with this kind of problem next time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Best luck!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21391" LastEditorUserId="21391" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T13:39:16.173" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T13:39:16.173" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19071" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19026" CreationDate="2018-10-04T11:40:51.407" Score="-4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're critiquing something that has no relation to you personally / that you didn't affect, I'd respond with &quot;A movie critic doesn't have to be a director&quot; or something of the likes of &quot;So what?&quot;. You're not guilty of hypocrisy, they just want to shut the argument down for whatever reason they have. You can critique something that you can't do better, and that's for the better. If you're critiquing a mistake that YOU've made as well, the situation is different. In this case, you're guilty of hypocrisy, and they have the high ground (argument-wise).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As OP said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just feel like it's unnecessary to mention another parties' mistakes if the conversation isn't on a personal level but more about global or political arguments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OP is right, and if they want to continue the argument, they should stand their ground with a simple &quot;So what?&quot;, or with a saying similar to the one I gave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22336" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T01:09:41.030" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T01:09:41.030" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19072" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19083" CreationDate="2018-10-04T13:53:42.877" Score="2" ViewCount="560" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Incident&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice and I are relatives but not on good terms. Recently, Alice was bereaved and I got to know about it through a third person. With the kind of rapport that I have with Alice, I am sure that I would have never been informed about it. Yet, I did pay a visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a mourning event happening in her household a few weeks later where all kith and kin would be invited and certain rituals are performed. I am sure that I will not be informed about this either. And, I would be blamed if I do not visit her. At the same time, Alice would also blame me stating that she had invited me yet I haven't visited. (This happened earlier with other kind of events too.) Yes, lies everywhere; can't help that aspect. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me being part of the mourning is important. If I do not attend, my absence would he highlighted and I would be scorned by the elders of the family, which I do not want to happen. Getting an invitation is important because I do not want to be the uninvited guest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to initiate a conversation with Alice and make herself inform me, if not invite me, mostly through telephone. I do not want to give her a chance to blame me for not visiting her at this crucial moment. Ultimately, I want her to invite me and I definitely want to visit her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few elderly people whom we both know and whom Alice is close to. I can take their help too. But, not sure how to go about it. How do you suggest I go about it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S: This question wouldn't be valid if she invites me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18643" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T17:15:34.527" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T22:28:47.603" Title="Prompt a person to invite me" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;&lt;grief&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19074" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19078" CreationDate="2018-10-04T14:34:25.457" Score="0" ViewCount="468" Body="&lt;p&gt;My attitude is that one cannot reason with someone who, for whatever cause, is being unreasonable. If that party has got it into their head that they are right, even despite blatant contrary evidence, no amount of justification will change that. Indeed, empirically, it usually makes matters worse. However, agreeing or submitting to their whims -- whilst an easy option -- is clearly not a good solution as it undermines yourself and sets a precedent for increasingly wild allegations. I therefore feel that, as one cannot &quot;win&quot; in this situation, the best option is to remove yourself from the situation entirely: i.e., don't &quot;play&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, this is not always possible. For example, if your significant other is being unreasonable, what does one do? One can listen and try to empathise with their position as much as you like, but it rarely works; meanwhile, your own position is marginalised, which causes increasing frustration. Changing the subject -- which is basically &quot;not playing&quot; -- can work, if whatever's being discussed is trivial enough, but for everything else, it's not going to fly. Asserting your position, as I describe above -- especially with logic -- definitely doesn't work, no matter how sympathetic you are!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Short of becoming an absolute stoic -- and I guess training yourself to not become defensive is partly a solution -- what techniques can you use to quell an unreasonable or non-evidence based argument when you're forced to engage?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22339" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T15:25:34.087" Title="How to deal with unreasonableness" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19075" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-04T14:53:33.167" Score="4" ViewCount="474" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m part of a software development team and the people engagement team in our company. This week has been extremely exhausting with both of my development work and people engagement work being really demanding. I managed to work through those but I believe that I am already burned out. Due to this, I am looking forward to the weekend so I can rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, friends/colleagues have organized an event after work tomorrow, Friday night. They have organized this since last week. They sent out an invitation via email and I didn’t reply since I was still unsure during that time. Now, I am convinced that I do not want to join due to my current state, both physically and mentally. However, friends and colleagues are trying to persuade me to come. I’ve said no but they are really persistent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am really grateful that they invited me but I am just so tired that I just want to go home as soon as possible tomorrow and rest during the weekend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I effectively communicate that I can’t join because of my current state?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22342" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T12:39:06.077" Title="How to politely decline friends/colleagues trying to persuade me to join a Friday after-work event?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19076" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19074" CreationDate="2018-10-04T15:04:49.353" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this kind of situation, what I always do is try to &lt;strong&gt;agree to disagree&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If no one is going to change their mind and you are sick of talking, you can say something along the line of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see that &lt;strong&gt;we&lt;/strong&gt; will not be able to agree. So, I suggest that we leave this discussion for now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;we&quot; is important, by using &quot;we&quot; you don't just blame the other, you blame yourself too. So, you avoid implicitly telling them that they are too stubborn will you are not (which might lead to &lt;em&gt;another&lt;/em&gt; disagreement).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other is still trying to argue, I suggest saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm tired of talking about this, please stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By making it a request and by being polite, the other person is more likely to stop (at least, that what I have observed).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person is &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; trying to argue, &lt;strong&gt;refuse to engage&lt;/strong&gt;! Do whatever it takes but do not fall back in the discussion, it will only make it harder to leave after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I suggest to not engage (this is a none exhaustive list):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Leave the room (even if the only place to go is in the toilet)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;put a headphone with music on&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get mad and yell at the other person &quot;I DON'T WHAT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE!&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Warning: these options are kind of rude but the other person was kind of rude by refusing to stop talking about it, so they kind of &quot;deserve it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T15:04:49.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19077" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19072" CreationDate="2018-10-04T15:18:51.320" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The most important person in bereavement is the bereaved.  If you have a conflict with Alice, &lt;strong&gt;it is not appropriate to attempt to resolve the conflict during her bereavement.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The polite thing with grief is to help or to get out of the way.  If you don't expect to be invited to an event, because of Alice's own feelings towards you, then don't go!  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...and take comfort for yourself in the firm knowledge that by abstaining, you are doing the best thing you can to support Alice in her bereavement.  This is an expression of true friendship, and something that will help you build trust with her later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really need to be there at the event, and if you really need an invitation, it seems the only way is to make up with Alice and to accept whatever terms Alice wants in order to restore your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Statement: I'm from California.  I would be glad to learn what there is to learn about grief from other cultures.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15681" LastEditorUserId="15681" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T15:36:29.627" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T15:36:29.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19074" CreationDate="2018-10-04T15:25:34.087" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I always like to lay out the rationale behind each viewpoint:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I believe X because of A, B, and C. You say you believe Y, but why is that the case?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach prompts someone to lay bare their reasoning (or lack thereof). Even if they don't want to admit it a person is usually going to be aware that an assertion without any sort of evidence they can provide is not a strong one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So while asking for explanations of &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they think what they do won't necessarily make them more reasonable it provides an opportunity for them to demonstrate that they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; being reasonable, or makes it clear why you think they are not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conclusion I usually get to (when there isn't a reasonable basis for the other persons opinion... or my own!) is that if you can't provide any basis for why you hold an opinion you are holding it irrationally. That doesn't mean that you are wrong, but it does mean that you should not expect anyone else to be impressed or persuaded.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And when you've reached that point and they still won't budge, then it's time to agree to disagree and move on. Unless one party has more argumentation to use to try and persuade the other, there is nothing more to discuss and nothing to accomplish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T15:25:34.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19075" CreationDate="2018-10-04T15:31:58.680" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you really don't want to join them because you are too beat up from the work week, then make sure you communicate that. It is entirely possible that your co-workers think you are making up an excuse to not join in on the fun. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are usually up for these events, but just not this week, the best thing you can do is explain that, and suggest an alternate day or event that would work for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing to get across is that &lt;em&gt;The problem is not them&lt;/em&gt;. Generally this will make people much more inclined to see your side of things and stop pressuring you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a side note, take care in how you refuse an offer like that. If your voice has a tone of uncertainty, like you insinuated you had earlier in the week, then people will be more inclined to pressure you, because they think they can win you over. Be firm in your convictions, and people will back down more often than not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20115" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T15:31:58.680" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19080" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19064" CreationDate="2018-10-04T15:35:10.877" Score="67" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Don't give them anything to talk about&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a critical IPS skill that, unfortunately, not everyone comes by naturally. Sometimes you have to really work for it, and it can take a lot of trial and error to understand how your actions will be perceived. A good rule of thumb is &lt;strong&gt;if you haven't seen other people doing or saying something before in a particular social context, then don't do that thing.&lt;/strong&gt; In your example, that means at the type of gathering you were at, if you haven't witnessed people sharing or asking to share food, then you should do neither.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Understanding that you should follow suit in social situations, there are two ways you could have handled this situation better &lt;em&gt;in this particular social setting&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Just eat your own food and don't ask anyone to share theirs. This includes times when someone cannot finish their food and would otherwise throw it out. It is not yours, it might seem like begging, and it is certainly unusual &lt;em&gt;in this setting&lt;/em&gt;, so people are more likely to talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Imply&lt;/em&gt; that they should share, but don't outright ask them to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Man, that looks good! I've never had one of those before!&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;What does it taste like?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Are you going to finish that?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These should all indicate that you would like to try some of their food, but doesn't really give them the opportunity to talk about how you were begging food off of them. Note that it might be annoying to them because you are indirectly pressuring them to give you food (and people can often be annoyed by indirectness), but the reason why people utilize these kind of indirect requests are precisely to avoid breaking social norms like the one you broke.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, too, am a person who is annoyed when people talk about something innocuous I said or did. I just choose to remember that people will think what they will think, and it'll be okay. I also have had a hard time with self-awareness, especially while I was younger, but I still suffer from it every now and again. Thankfully I was blessed with an analytical mind and have been able to figure out the faux-pas by watching how other people act. Look around, observe the behavior of people around you, and emulate it. &lt;strong&gt;People will stop acting like you are weird if you act like them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5253" LastEditorUserId="5253" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T23:29:21.927" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T23:29:21.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19075" CreationDate="2018-10-04T15:40:52.257" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing I have found that is very effective for me is to take the focus off of the event in question and place it instead on some &lt;strong&gt;other&lt;/strong&gt; occasion. For example, you could say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I would really like to attend the event Tomorrow, but I had something come up early Saturday morning and I have to make preparations. Let's plan something for next Friday!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they press for more info, just be polite and deflect with something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It's health related, I don't really want to get into the details&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In reality, this is honest because you are making an appointment with yourself to manage your stress (mental health). Coworkers and friends don't always need to know all of the details of what you do to take care of yourself. As an introvert, I have found this type of deflection to be very useful when trying to manage which work related events I actually have the energy for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15895" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T15:40:52.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19082" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19095" CreationDate="2018-10-04T16:05:53.087" Score="14" ViewCount="3943" Body="&lt;p&gt;So it's been 4 months since we started dating. I'm aware that she is insecure and jealous but it has been going worse since we started dating. At first she started complaining about me hanging out with my female friends so I gave up on that for the sake of our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She then started getting mad over likes and followers on Instagram. I tried to help by removing people whom I don't really know but this did not help and she just kept getting mad when I like my female friends pictures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm writing this because today we had a big argument and I really do not know what to do. We were in a resturant with an mutual friend. Our friend wanted to switch places with me in order to take a picture. So as I was sitting I glanced at the table in front of us. There were 3 girls whom I barely noticed. I did not even look at their faces, it was only a 1 second glance. She got so mad over it and said that I am a disgusting man who checks over girls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar arguments also happened just because I looked at the girl who was passing by. It's important to say that I do not do that all the time and I do it indiscriminately whether it's a woman or a man.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like walking on eggs. I'm always thinking about things that I should not do in order not to make her angry. I'm consciously forcing myself not to look around because it makes her feel bad, yet nothing seems to work out. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I assure my girlfriend that looking at other people does not question my faithfulness towards her and that I am uncomfortable with her getting jealous?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love my girlfriend and I really want to fix things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA; Almost two years since i wrote this. I just came across it by accident. Our relationship ended one year ago. It was rough. Many fights and suicide attempts followed this one. I couldn't save the relationship. I couldn't take it for much longer and i broke up with her. She is doing fine now. She has a new boyfriend and she is going to therapy. And i am still wishing that things were different. We live to forget and i have made peace with it. Thanks to everyone who replied to this and tried to help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22347" LastEditorUserId="22347" LastEditDate="2020-05-25T16:52:28.207" LastActivityDate="2020-05-25T16:52:28.207" Title="How to tell my girlfriend I'm uncomfortable with her getting jealous when I look at other people?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19072" CreationDate="2018-10-04T17:01:58.853" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I think you are unlikely to get what you want by interacting directly with Alice.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a very difficult situation. Here are the key elements, as I understand things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Alice &lt;strong&gt;will not&lt;/strong&gt; invite you on her own&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Alice &lt;strong&gt;will&lt;/strong&gt; lie to other relatives about having invited you&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Your relatives will think less of you if you don't attend (whether&#xA;or not you are invited, given (2))&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So Alice doesn't want you to be there, and is fine with your elder relatives blaming that on you rather than her. I can't imagine a line of argument which will cause Alice to give up what she wants (you not being at the event) just to give you an invitation in return for getting something she specifically doesn't want (you attending the event). Lying about inviting you accomplishes everything for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What to do?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the workaround is to interact with other relatives and not Alice. If you ask an elder relative about the upcoming mourning event (maybe mention that you're sure it must be taking place soon but you don't have the details because you haven't received an invitation) you express your interest in attending and also point out that you did not get an invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will undercut any lie from Alice about the invitation. It expresses your intent to attend without accusing Alice of anything (maybe the invitation got lost in the mail or something). It also gives you all of the information needed to attend (time, place, etc.) from the person you talk to. She won't be able to exclude you while also pretending to have invited you, and talking to other relatives about it means that your intentions can't be mischaracterized (especially if you speak directly with an elder relative).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-10-04T22:28:47.603" LastActivityDate="2018-10-04T22:28:47.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19082" CreationDate="2018-10-04T17:58:52.410" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;In short&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Her possessiveness may eventually destroy your relationship if you let it. Do everything (as suggested below) to make changes in your partner that allow you to overcome her harmful feeling.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can do following things,&lt;/strong&gt; (You love your girlfriend, So surely You can do these things for her)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make her aware of her controlling behavior.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make her feel loved and enhance her sense of self.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not respond with anger. Be patient. Possessiveness can’t be cured overnight.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show her a brighter and a more beautiful future. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain to her that trust is an important aspect of a relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Work on her past. Try to discover the root of the insecurity.&#xA;(If one's parents have set a bad example it's likely they could be following it)&#xA;(You can take professional help)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your Question - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I assure my girlfriend that looking at other people does not question my faithfulness towards her and that I am uncomfortable with her getting jealous?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It means, She tries to control your behavior. Any kind of controlling behavior in relationships is a clear sign of insecurity.&#xA;When the feelings of jealousy or insecurity come into relationship then it can cross the line from love to possessiveness. &#xA;&lt;strong&gt;This insecurity comes from fear of rejection.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reason&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very likely that she has a great lack of self-love and self-confidence. She feels that she “need you” in order to be happy, safe, secure, and successful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Try every points as suggested above. Wait for few days. The changes in her behavior will take place slowly.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T07:03:40.257" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T07:03:40.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19085" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19064" CreationDate="2018-10-04T18:09:06.550" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds to me, like the person was surprised by your request and wanted to express that surprise. This is likely due to a difference in cultural norms. Like BlackThorn mentioned, it appears you're breaking some cultural norm by asking for the rest of her food.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she shared with her friend, not only was she expressing her surprise, but was also subtly (possibly subconsciously) enforcing the social norm you were breaking, by embarrassing you. Additionally, by talking to the third person, she was getting renforcement and validation that you were indeed breaking the social norm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's likely that the person will continue to use this technique if you do not do something to intervene. What I would suggest, would be to try to get the person to use a more polite way to educate you on the expected social norms in the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps you could try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, it seems like the way I asked for your food wasn't something&#xA;  you were expecting. I'm used to everyone sharing any food they aren't&#xA;  going to finish [or some other norm for you]. Is that not appropriate&#xA;  here?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That might lead to an insightful discussion on differences in social norms. This will also show that you are interested in learning openly about social norms. So in the future, if the person witnesses you breaking a norm, they are more likely to explain the social norm and have a discussion with you, rather than embarrassing you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference, this does actually come from personal experience, but from the other side. I used to mock people that did things that I found socially unexceptable. After someone graciously had a conversation with me about differences in culture and perspective, I started slowly changing to a more polite way of letting people know that their behavior didn't fit the social norms I was familiar with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4533" LastEditorUserId="4533" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T11:37:49.313" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T11:37:49.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19091" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-05T01:51:13.617" Score="2" ViewCount="411" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an eighteen year old going to a 4 year university in the USA. This school was my number 1 choice going into the college selection process. I loved most things about it, and my parents met there and both were ecstatic when I selected it as my school. Right now I am a freshman in my first semester.&#xA;There were several problems with this that I overlooked, ignored, or didn't understand how much they would mean to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The 3 main ones:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Expensive: It's out of state, so instead of $20k, I am paying $50k per year. This fact has me really worried about my student debt after hearing all the horror stories.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The atmosphere is much different than I anticipated. Maybe I am just too immature, but I cannot get used to the party atmosphere at all, and I think it has hindered me socially.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My friends. In high school, I had a big group of friends, they were all awesome and we hung out all the time. They &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; went to the in state school. I also got in, but instead elected to go to my number 1 choice. While I still am in contact with nearly all of them daily, I am not a person that can just make new friends like that, and especially not one that can be as close with them as I am with my other friends. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents were &lt;em&gt;thrilled&lt;/em&gt; when I committed to this school. They didn't pressure me into at all when I chose it, but once I did they confessed that they always wanted me to go there, and started...slightly down talking other schools that I got into (including the in-state). They also pay about 25% of my tuition, which is obviously amazing. I would like to &lt;strong&gt;tell them I want to switch schools&lt;/strong&gt; in a way where &lt;strong&gt;I don't look like a &quot;coward&quot; (for lack of better term)&lt;/strong&gt; and such that they will be just as supportive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope I'm not sounding spoiled, and maybe I am in the wrong (please tell me if I am), but I just want to go to the school where I can be with my friends again and have a same (excellent) education. The schools are almost identically ranked in my major. A major part is that I just don't feel &lt;em&gt;comfortable&lt;/em&gt; here and I want to convey that. I am visiting this weekend, where there is an opportunity to bring it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you for your help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22358" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T19:32:55.403" Title="How do I tell my my parents I want to switch schools from their alma mater to a new one?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;college&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19092" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18996" CreationDate="2018-10-05T03:48:05.470" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that the more intense the &lt;em&gt;ignoring you&lt;/em&gt; part gets, the more likely  it is that he's emotionally involved in whatever made him feel like distancing himself from you. He doesn't seem to be ignoring you because he doesn't care but &lt;em&gt;because&lt;/em&gt; he cares. If that's the case, it's probable that he wants peace to clear his mind. There's nothing you can do to accelerate the process but there are things that you can do to make it easier for both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, here's how I interpret the situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He distanced. It doesn't matter &quot;why&quot;. When we disconnect is mostly because we're overwhelmed by something. (We disconnect when there's something so annoying that we can't stand it, we disconnect when something hurts so much that we can't deal with it, etc). Plus, we've stated that &lt;em&gt;he cares&lt;/em&gt;. When we care, emotions are amplified.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're in distress too. Inside that distress, you can't empathize with him (as he can't empathize with you inside his overwhelming whatever), so you're in a loop of not understanding each other. There may be other signs of what happened in his version of things and you may be overlooking them because of the extra focus you're applying on the discomforting situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He may not even know how you feel.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find your own peace. Try to focus on yourself for a few days. You'll get clarity. You might see things you didn't before. You may understand a little how he feels. &#xA;(Just to state an example, try to imagine how you would feel if you wanted space and you were being constantly invaded to be interrogated about why you wanted space. We all have different responses but he has made clear that pushing for answers will not accomplish a positive one).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe the best way of showing that you care is respecting that distance for now by not asking him for explanations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after that, you still want to reach out, you can try a more neutral method, like a letter. Write how you feel and how important it is for you to recover the friendship and let him assimilate all you've said. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He'll come around when he's ready.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22325" LastEditorUserId="22325" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T11:57:34.773" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T11:57:34.773" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19091" CreationDate="2018-10-05T04:57:06.883" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry that your college experience isn't living up to your expectations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the best way to go about this is to sit your parents down and explain to them like you explained to us why you want to switch schools.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, acknowledge that it's their alma mater and they were excited for you to go there. Tell them while it's a great school, it &lt;strong&gt;hasn't been a good fit for you&lt;/strong&gt;.  Thank them for paying for part of your tuition. Explain to them your financial concerns, but emphasize the fact that the environment isn't right for you, that you feel uncomfortable and are unhappy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also be sure to establish that you have a plan to switch schools. Before you talk to them, do some research into what the transfer process will look like, and contact the admissions department at the new school if need be. Remind them that the two schools are ranked equivalently for your major. And tell them that since your friends go to the other school, you'll be much happier socially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your parents are upset and argue against you switching, remind them that you're paying 75% of your tuition and you want to be able to control how much debt you are in after school. Remind them too that it's your college experience, not theirs, and you want the best experience for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend this course of action so that your parents understand WHY you want to switch. The biggest thing is getting them to empathize with you so they'll see your point of view. Showing them that you have a plan of action in place will assure them that you aren't just giving up, you're making a decision to improve your situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your parents want what's best for you, and I'm sure they will be supportive, even if it takes them a little time to warm up to the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20493" LastEditorUserId="20493" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T19:32:55.403" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T19:32:55.403" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19095" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19082" CreationDate="2018-10-05T06:53:33.897" Score="21" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Red. Flag.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell your girlfriend to - in no uncertain terms&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stop being an abusive spouse.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Apply the same trust towards you as you afford her&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one is optional, but would help&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get therapy. Anger management / Abandonment fear sounds reasonable but I am not a psychiatrist.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her behaviour is completely antithetical to progression into a trusting intimate relationship and needs to end or else you will never have one. You cannot force her, teach her, coax her - But you can tell her that you do not appreciate her behaviour - and if and only if she is willing to set a target situation where number 1 and number 2 is met - then try to create a roadmap towards that. (And I being a cynic would require number 3 as well, but your mileage may vary - it may be a part of the solution). Start with small things, practice them, master them and then do larger/more complicated things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is not willing or do not listen, then well... I'd advise you to end the relationship, but I am just a bystander. You'll have to set your own borders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5494" LastEditorUserId="2183" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T13:59:22.373" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T13:59:22.373" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19064" CreationDate="2018-10-05T11:49:33.357" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't really prevent people from talking about what they heard or saw. You can, however, prevent people from discussing awkward things you said or did, by &lt;strong&gt;not saying or doing awkward things&lt;/strong&gt;. If you're convinced that your request to finish someone else's meal was not awkward, then you should have no problem that other people talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply put, don't publicly do or say things you wouldn't want your colleagues to know or talk about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3211" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T11:49:33.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19075" CreationDate="2018-10-05T12:39:06.077" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In general I always vote for &lt;strong&gt;Honesty&lt;/strong&gt;. In this case that would be &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19079/22069&quot;&gt;Cubemaster's approach&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your coworkers know you and if you directly and honestly tell them that you like the idea of the event, but just need some rest they should understand. Lying with some made-up excuse works, too, but it bears unecessary risks for awkward situations. Like if someone somehow found out you have not been at X place you mentioned in your excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Be direct&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry guys, I am very tired. I need some rest and simple relaxation at home. Work's been exhausting this week.&#xA;Have fun! You can count me in for next time, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last sentence just applies if you are usually very interested in events like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22069" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T12:39:06.077" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19101" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19091" CreationDate="2018-10-05T16:10:17.923" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;College is not something that you should take lightly, for the reasons you've mentioned (expenses, distance/solitude) and others that are implied in your question, one of which is: You want to be happy and you're currently not. You're taking action towards your happiness and I find that admirable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's OK to change your mind, you declined for this university with limited information, meaning you hadn't &lt;em&gt;lived&lt;/em&gt; it when you chose it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; life, not your anyone elses. It's OK not to accomodate to things that seem to suit someone else (your partying classmates, for instance). Maybe it is the perfect university for someone with a different profile. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you put your interests in the first place —not your parents nor anyone elses—, if you make your happiness your priority, all of this issues will acquire their right proportion &lt;strong&gt;for you&lt;/strong&gt;. Then you'll be able to weight them (Can I deal with this partying for 4 years and be happy?, Can I enjoy being far from home? Is it really worth it to be spending all this money on a major that I could be getting in a more convenient university?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you'll find out that you were just panicking out of the contrasting shock, being your first semester away and all. Maybe not, and you'll deeply know that this is not what you want and switch schools.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;College (and life, in general) is only as hard as you allow it. If you can have excellent education minus the suffering, sounds like a pretty good option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems like you feel in debt with your parents, but they seem like very supportive and caring people. I'm sure that if you explain your concerns, they will support what's best for you. And as the adult you are now, you're entitled to decide what's best for you. If you respect your inner decision, it's more likely that they will too, as a consequence of the confidence you project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way I can think of communicating this is covering the next:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Expressing gratitude for their unconditional help&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stating that this is not a fleeting feeling but a decision you've made striving for happiness.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Pointing out the plan and the benefits. Make sure to have enough information for all the things that are unsettling you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And last, remember you're doing great.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22325" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T16:10:17.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19104" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-05T17:19:27.720" Score="3" ViewCount="1317" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is all going to sound very judgemental to my friend, but trust me, it's not. I think I know how she feels and I understand why she would do it and I want to help her. My whole friend group does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend Alice is a very, very sweet person. People can't see this though because she lies. A lot. Big lies. &#xA;She is always telling me about the boys she's with, but we've never been able to meet any of them. I saw her chatting with a boy on Facebook once, but then I also saw the other half of the chat when I wasn't supposed to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People in my class in high school thought she was strange and weren't nice to her. They somehow looked up all the friends she had on Facebook, to find that most of them were fake. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She said she had a thing with this guy in the class and how they really liked each other, but I knew that he was the one leading the Facebook investigation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are in university now, she is in another country and we talk online.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever we talk, she always spins up stories about all the guys that are just crazy over her and how she is playing hard to get. She is a great friend but I really hate seeing her lie like this. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My other friends do think she has some issues to deal with, but they don't see her lying problem. They seem to buy into every crazy story she tells.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've brought up with them how I felt that most of her stories were untrue, but it didn't really go anywhere. We have talked about her a lot, only because we are worried that there's something going on in her life that she is not getting help for. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I can't help her with other issues, but I want her to at least feel that she doesn't need to lie to make herself look better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell her that she doesn't need to lie to us because we are her friends and will support her no matter what, but without offending her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I'd like to emphasize that this friend is important to me. She takes lots of things to heart, however, so it's best if I phrase things subtly and gently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16748" LastEditorUserId="16748" LastEditDate="2018-10-06T22:27:30.700" LastActivityDate="2019-01-18T05:38:36.260" Title="How to confront a friend who lies about relationship and popularity?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19107" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-05T19:00:54.240" Score="10" ViewCount="1431" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have an alternate personality. Not like a medical disability (though it could be argued that the paranoia that started this is a problem), but like a fake life story I use when I need to participate somehow but don't want to use real-life details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This started from online gaming when I was in highschool for safety reasons. I chose a fake name, and built a life story for myself. As time went on, it got more elaborate and I started using it IRL as well in situations where I didn't want to talk about myself, but there was some sort of social obligation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's become a habit at the point to just use my alternate name if I'm not required to use my real name (like for legal reasons). Like small talk with a person I'll never see again at a bar or something. This means, socially, I'm effectively two different people that are never in the same room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem here comes from the fact that I've been hanging out with a group I originally introduced myself to with my fake identity. I'd like to move them over to my real life, but I have no idea how to even communicate that everything they think they know about me is false.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fake identity is not intended to hold up to scrutiny, it is literally a means of getting out of answering questions I don't want to answer. So this is generating a fair amount of stress. I didn't anticipate wanting to make this activity a larger part of my life (swing dancing) or interact with these people outside of the activity itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I explain this to these people without losing their friendships?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22372" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-03-28T15:17:01.753" Title="How to explain to someone that I'm not who I said I was?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19108" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19107" CreationDate="2018-10-05T19:37:51.613" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;With my friends I go by my middle name, but my legal name is on all my documents. This has caused problems both ways. Friends I meet wear betrayed expressions when they see my driver's license or come with me to get my mail. At my first job I didn't tell HR before they setup my email and badge so I figured &quot;screw it, I won't be too close to people at work, it won't be a problem.&quot;...And then I invited some of them to hangout with friends outside of work and it was a mess. Half of them calling me &quot;Sco&quot; and the other half calling me &quot;he001.&quot; Trust me, I know exactly how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that telling them usually causes shock and awe for maybe an hour max and then they've forgotten about it. I'll get jokes for weeks or months about how weird it is that I have two names, but as long as I joke back it's usually pretty light.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The bad news is that telling them is going to result in a lot of questions. &quot;Really? That's so weird, why would you do that? (jokingly) Who even are you anymore?!&quot; You may have a slightly harder time since you have more to make up for than just a name, but the situation will probably play out in about the same way. If I were you, I'd try to let them discover your real name first and then explain more after you let them swallow that. After all, the name is probably the biggest hurdle to get over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe when you're getting your wallet out to pay you say &quot;Oh my goodness, I hate having to look at XXX year old threesmallchildreninanovercoat every time I open my wallet. Do you have a terrible driver's license picture too?&quot; Inevitably, they'll ask to see yours and when they do they'll probably see the name and you'll get a bunch of questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the secret: they're only going to think that it's as bad as you do. If you freak out and start stuttering &quot;Uh...um...yea, I don't know...I, I guess I've kinda lied to you guys about a lot of stuff&quot; they're only going to get more suspicious. Relax, be casual, laugh and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Didn't you know? threesmallchildreninanovercoat is my nickname! My legal name is XXX, like on the license. I can be a little paranoid about information when I first meet people, so I usually go by threesmallchildreninanovercoat. I respond to either if you like my legal name more!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let them digest this. Answer more questions about your name. Take the jokes for a few weeks. And next time they bring up something about your past they're wrong about you can gently correct them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: [...] Did you study about that at Harvard?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Err, actually I was at Yale. That was probably my paranoia with my personal information when I first met you. But we actually didn't! At Yale we focused on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And slowly correct the lies one at a time as they come up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It'll be a long road and you'll have to be willing to take a few jokes and play along, but all in all as long as you can convince yourself that this isn't a big problem and play it off that way, they won't think so either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-05T19:44:23.347" LastActivityDate="2018-10-05T19:44:23.347" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19104" CreationDate="2018-10-05T21:03:42.937" Score="2" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Explain the bad consequences of this behavior and achieve her confidence and trust in you in order to change her behavior&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My Life Experience&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my friends wanted to become a doctor. But due to financial problems, she could not become a doctor and pursued nursing education. Her dream was not fulfilled. But, she used to tell to everyone that she is a doctor. She often used to create false stories about her patients, their surgeries. As a result, she used to get respect from everyone. But a few days later, one of our other friends got the real information about her. They felt bad for her and further they could not believe her. A few other members of the friend group made fun of this. She felt bad. Due to this, her stress level increased and she fell into depression. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reason for this Behavior&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many times, it happens that many people could not fulfill their goal (whatever it is) in life. So, they try to dream it (or try to feel it) and try to implement in real life by creating false stories. So, they try to create a false scenario. As a result, they get false respect and false appreciation which they always like and wanted to achieve in life. These people need care and support. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your friend's behavior&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she always spins up stories about all the guys that are just crazy over her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also told that your classmates are thinking - 'she was strange and weren't nice to her'. She might be observing in college that many boys are talking with girls. But, nobody talks with me and behaves strangely. This is the reason, she is dreaming and making false stories in order to feel everyone's company and feel the craziness for her. Instead of changing her own strange behavior, she is diverting her own mind to create unnecessary(false) stories. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever she is not getting, she tries to get it through dreaming. She tries to feel that &quot;I am also that pretty and every guy wants to talk to me&quot;. So, she tries to create false stories to get appreciation and attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can you tell her&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take her time. You can arrange a meeting with close friends. Tell her the bad consequences of her behavior. Tell her that, after some time nobody will have faith in her and she will be alone. It will become more stressful. So it is better for her to stop creating false stories. If possible, please take care of her. Tell her -&quot;We all are with you, we support you but you need to change your behavior&quot;. Try to gain her confidence in you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;She needs your care and company. If that does not work, then try to get some professional help.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-06T13:11:36.240" LastActivityDate="2018-10-06T13:11:36.240" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19110" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19107" CreationDate="2018-10-06T00:10:42.583" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You need to apologize&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are &lt;strong&gt;many&lt;/strong&gt; socially acceptable techniques you can use for not answering social questions, as opposed to putting forth such an effort into creating a fake persona and portraying it as one's own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one likes being lied to. Even small, innocuous lies will make others perceive you as untrustworthy. Lying like you are isn't common, and many people are actually incapable of doing it. Think of it like a weapon (because it &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be used as one). Once you show someone that you are capable and &lt;strong&gt;willing&lt;/strong&gt; to use this weapon on them, they are going to become uneasy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keeping your identity private is fine, but you're doing it in an inappropriate way. Sometimes, people ask you those social questions because they want to get to know you. If they wanted to get to know a fictional character, they would watch a movie.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, mistakes happen, and they are fixable if your friends forgive you. I recommend trying to make light of the situation as much as possible. Timing is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait until a friend mentions one of your lies:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; Hi [Your fake name]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah... about that. That's not my real name. (A smile might go a long way here)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; Really? Well what is it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; It's [Real Name]. The reason I used the other name is because I can be a little paranoid about my identity. I promise it's not because of some dark secret or because I'm an undercover CIA agent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh, well, that's okay. Is there anything else that isn't true?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah, I generally use fake info that can identify me, such as where I was born, where I went to school, my job, etc. Everything else is true. I'm really sorry I lied. I promise I'll be truthful with you from now on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rinse and repeat with all your affected friends. If they ask questions, answer them 100% honestly. Otherwise, just correct your falsehoods as they are brought up in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That conversation is an example. What's most important is that you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Apologize&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Promise you won't lie to them again&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10605" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-06T00:10:42.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19056" CreationDate="2018-10-06T00:37:41.740" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If your quotes are verbatim what was said, then I read this situation as the guy taking (or pretending to take) exceptional offense with your word choice of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“I met you a few years ago. I’m not too sure you remember, but we did.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You meant this to get across the message of &amp;quot;We met, but you are under no obligation nor expectation to remember me.&amp;quot; This intention is very courteous, potentially saving a person from feeling the need to pretend to remember meeting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, your particular wording &lt;em&gt;&amp;quot;I'm not too sure you remember&amp;quot;&lt;/em&gt; could come off as you informing a person of what they do and do not know, in this case, telling the person that they don't remember. While all you meant was that you would not expect them to remember, a certain type of person could take offense to being told what they know (especially if they did remember). &lt;strong&gt;In my opinion taking offense to this and not understanding (or willfully ignoring) your innocuous meaning behind the statement is an IPS failing on their part.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This negative interpretation and offense taken seems clear to me by their next few responses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Oh, I don’t remember you… But we met a few years ago?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Read from the perspective I've outlined above, they are not confirming that you are telling them &amp;quot;we met a few years ago&amp;quot; but confirming that you are telling them that they don't remember you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, since you meant no slight by your comment and did not for-see/realize the way that they had taken your comment...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Yes…”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He then sets up an even more explicit stating of what he is offended about. As Monica pointed out in her answer, this was the ramping up moment and a point at which tensions could be defused.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Well, I don’t remember you… But you remember me right? I guess you know better than me, right?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately defusing this situation is going to be tough since you don't understand the source of offense. My preferred way of defusing a miscommunication is to call out the fact that I think there was a miscommunication and invite that person to work back through the conversation to repair it. Something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Um|Whoa|Uh,] I'm perceiving that you've taken offense to something I've said, but I think there may have been a disconnect between what I meant and what you heard. No offense was meant, what did I say wrong?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach could also work after &lt;strong&gt;pulling the person aside&lt;/strong&gt; after a number of these petty and snarky interactions calling back to the offense. Pulling them aside for a one on one interaction more likely to be effective, an audience drives on to defend themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is rational and doesn't want to be offended, this should defuse tension, maybe shed some light on the miscommunication and perhaps even lead to an interesting conversation about the miscommunication (if you're some meta-analyzing conversation nerd like I am). Asking for an upset person's input on what is upsetting them will often (in situations such as this) make them aware of the triviality or non-existence of the perceived slight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand, if this person was determined at this point to take offense, this comment leaves them very little real issue to take with you and as you observed, people were able to identify who the bad actor was in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T19:51:40.937" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19119" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-06T15:15:01.327" Score="8" ViewCount="2428" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a 14-year old female and I've been friends with this specific girl for about 9 months. She has been really 'touchy-feely' with me for the past month. I'm the type of person that doesn't really enjoy skinship, but because I dote on this friend of mine, I just shook it off. I know the fact that she tends to hug people a lot, but it seems a bit different with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She tends to be touchy with me more than what a 'normal friend' would. She do things like what an over-protective girlfriend would do to her boyfriend (Hold hands, Lock arms, Blow kisses).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My best friend who I have been friends with for 7 years doesn't really do physical intimacy that much but this 9-months girl have stepped over the boundaries sometimes. She said that she &lt;strong&gt;used to be bisexual&lt;/strong&gt; but has become straight; however, all my friends say that she probably has feelings for me. This has been bothering me for quite some time now... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to break our friendship. How can I tell her that I'm not comfortable with the physical contact she is initiating? :(&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm Straight&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm uncomfortable with physical intimacy&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The girl used to be bisexual&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22382" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2019-03-15T17:21:26.980" LastActivityDate="2019-03-17T19:04:07.970" Title="How can I tell to my friend that her behavior is weird to me?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;physical-contact&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19120" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-06T15:34:56.620" Score="3" ViewCount="2226" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Dealing with a father that gets angry when a man teaches his child in additional courses&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m 18 years male. Currently, I am pursuing 12th( the final year of High school) year education and very close to final exams. The reason I’m asking this, is because, I had an issue 3 years ago in grade 9, that on a winter, my mother hired a man to teach me math in additional course, and sooner later my father found about this and he got angry at my mother, and he made a huge scandal over nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That man was only teaching me math. Big deal. If you were a father, would you get angry at this very small thing? I thought it’s normal for someone to be learned by anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I tried?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to have a discussion with him, and I asked him, “why did you got angry?” And he replayed, “I don’t like another male to teach my child, I allow only female!!!” And I told him, “But you told me that a person can learn from anyone” and he said, “close the telephone and think what I mean”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I ignored him( out of anger) and started to think he’s kinda jealous that someone is able to teach me math while he isn’t.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; How do you ask your father not to get angry when he sees a male teacher is teaching his child math instead of a female?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I need to know how to speak with him so that next time he won’t need to get angry over nothing. Instead of being happy that I’m learning, he’s angry. This isn’t faire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish there would be one day, he wouldn’t have to get angry just because a male teacher is teaching me math. So what if he’s teaching me math?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13918" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-08-13T23:07:07.127" Title="How do you ask your father not to get angry when he sees a male teacher is teaching his child?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19119" CreationDate="2018-10-06T15:42:35.297" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;We can't really tell you what it means, as she's the only one who is going to know that for sure. Maybe she's just a very affectionate person. Maybe she does have deeper feelings for you. The only person who knows that is her. So if you want to know about what her actions mean, it's likely that you're going to have to have a conversation with her about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, it seems like the real issue might be that you're not comfortable with the affection/physical contact, and that's making you unhappy. I'd strongly suggest trying to talk to your friend. Let her know that she's more physical than you're comfortable with. It's okay and healthy to draw these sorts of boundaries - friendship means that everyone should be comfortable and feel safe and such. So I think that the best approach at this point might be a couple of uncomfortable seeming conversations to figure out what is going on, and drawing some clearer boundaries about what you're personally okay with. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the why of it is less immediately important than the fact that she's doing something that you don't like. It's important that you let her know, as she might not realize that your comfort level with physicality doesn't match hers. So the best advice I can give is be ready to have an open conversation with her. I'd avoid accusing her of anything in terms of crushes or wanting a relationship with you - in fact, I'd avoid all discussion of anything beyond friendship at this point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd just approach her when you can, away from everyone else so it doesn't end up being a big scene, and let her know that you're not comfortable with the hugs or locking arms or whatever it is, and also let her know what things you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; comfortable with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm someone who is naturally very affectionate, so I often ask friends if hugs etc are okay before I do them, but I'm also an adult who has had a lot more practice with this stuff. I used to be bad for assuming since &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; was comfortable with hugs and stuff, everyone else should be too. It took a few friends having the sorts of conversations I suggest before I really caught on - perhaps your new friend is like that too. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastActivityDate="2018-10-06T15:42:35.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19120" CreationDate="2018-10-06T17:34:38.760" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In short -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Proper timing and his happy mood are important to ask about anything to your father&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alex, everyone's nature is different. You father's nature is angry. I know, you can't implement your decision about your own education. It finds you discouraging. Please don't be judgmental. He may not be jealous on another male teacher. there may be different reason. Now, at this situation, you need to keep patience and tackle the situation with proper manner. An angry person tends to anticipate other events that might cause them anger. Don't respond with anger. &lt;strong&gt;Sometimes, another person's anger has nothing to do with you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Further Explanation&lt;/strong&gt; -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may happen that your father has another theory of not allowing male teacher and they do not want to reveal you this theory (you also not revealed this theory in your question). So, instead of asking him again and making him angry again, just capture his good mood, and proper timing to get consent about the things which you want to implement in your life. Or, you can ask to your mom to find the reason from your dad. It may also happen that they might have discussed with each other about the reason. I know it is difficult to handle the tantrum of short tempered person, but it is not impossible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your Question&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do you ask your father not to get angry&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know exact reason of allowing female teacher and not male teacher, then at least you can follow the points given as below,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Timing is everything&lt;/strong&gt; (don't ask anything to your father in his bad&#xA;mood, ask when he is happy)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't ask in front of other people.&lt;/strong&gt; (Your father may feel&#xA;uncomfortable in front of others, ask him in private)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Work for it&lt;/strong&gt; (Show him through your work that you are becoming more&#xA;responsible)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that your father gets angry on very small things. It seems that they are short tempered. So above points may help you to get his consent about your any problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also ask few question to yourself -- &lt;strong&gt;Would gender issue really affect on your education? At the end, you are more concerned about getting knowledge from whoever (that really does not matter). So why are you focusing on this point now? 12th education is your main career year. So, you can make complaint on the poor style of teaching if he/she is performing (but do not complaint for gender issue). So, let your father decide male or female. You don't have to bother about this issue, NOW ! Gender issue is really not important for you.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, In his (your father's) happy mood and by seeing proper timing, you can ask about male teacher instead of female.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T07:38:43.737" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T07:38:43.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19123" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-06T23:52:13.897" Score="4" ViewCount="141" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't stand anymore to encounter smoking parents as I visit playgrounds with my 3 years old daughter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Is there any constructive way to ask the smokers in order to stop smoking at playground?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not want a real escalation, it is playground&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not think I am there to educate anybody&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not want to just leave &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer with experience would be appreciated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Objection&lt;/strong&gt;: passive smoking can lead to cancer and death.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal&lt;/strong&gt;: avoiding escalation, avoid my child inhaling smoke but not leave the playground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="302" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-07T05:14:58.710" LastActivityDate="2018-10-07T05:14:58.710" Title="How can I ask the smokers to stop smoking at playgrounds?" Tags="&lt;smoking-vaping&gt;&lt;parenting&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-10-07T16:32:06.557" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19056" CreationDate="2018-10-07T07:40:31.603" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know an answer has already been selected, but I have to disagree with the idea that the questioner should/could have handled this differently. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think he/she did nothing wrong, and should not take responsibility for how the weird passive-aggressive person responded. That person sounds like a textbook narcissist who couldn't handle the idea someone else has a better memory. Since they responded aggressively to something totally innocuous, it's equally likely they would have been aggressive even after the &quot;perhaps I'm mistaken&quot; line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution to dealing with people like that is—as the selected answer included as a failsafe—to allow their aggression to be visible to others, and let them be judged for it. And, to avoid/limit interaction with them whenever possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is a better course of action for at least two reasons. Firstly, on the principle that it does not allow the narcissist to alter the behavior of those around them. Secondly, it does not pretend that the aggression displayed by that person is justified. By apologizing to them, their behavior may be reinforced, and they will continue to be unaware that anything was wrong with it. As I said above, it is also unlikely that there was only one 'trigger' for that person's obnoxious aggression; taking the &quot;Sorry, I must be mistaken&quot; approach is not sustainable if they do repeatedly take that form of response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is much better to actually signal to the person—without escalating—that their aggression is not welcome, rather than allowing them to continue feeling like the wronged party from an objectively innocuous comment. Some degree of ostracism can help that person get the signal, without making a scene.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22389" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-10-07T18:56:12.953" LastActivityDate="2018-10-07T18:56:12.953" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19130" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-07T10:04:46.527" Score="8" ViewCount="1080" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine has a business idea. He asked if I knew how to make (smartphone) apps, and I said yes. I recently graduated and currently have some spare time for a side project and could see this being valuable experience to present in an interview, even if the business doesn't prove to be profitable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I met with my friend a few times to discuss the business and the app he wants for it, and at first things seemed reasonable, though now he wants me to help with side projects and the actual running of the business. I told him I said I could help make an app, not be his e.g. account etc. He just argues &quot;we need to start small&quot; and &quot;it's nothing complex&quot;. He has also been messaging me and acting like he's my boss and has gradually been increasing the work load. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find him enjoyable to hangout with, we both have the same taste of music and enjoy going to venues together. But I really don't appreciate how he's acting as if I agreed to do all this work and isn't listening to my concerns. It's really getting annoying, he's texting me &quot;are you at work?&quot; and when I reply &quot;yes&quot; he replies &quot;does everything I sent you make sense?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been ignoring his texts and call or telling him I'm busy but he doesn't seem to want to take no for an answer. How can I tell him I'm not going to build his business for him and still remain friends? How can I avoid arguing with him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We live in North America and my friend is Filipino. I noticed some people are very good at wording things and making the situation very difficult for their request to be decline, and I've noticed Filipino can be like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this were professional work there would a long legal contract specifying the exact nature. Normally with friends, is it really necessary to state before starting &quot;I have the right to stop helping you at my sole discretion and may become busy with other work&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit for answers given: I know if I ask to get paid he would just say &quot;when this takes off you will get lots of money&quot;. Of course there's no guarantee of it taking off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22391" LastEditorUserId="22391" LastEditDate="2018-10-07T18:54:57.407" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T22:49:50.130" Title="How to decline additional help when friend won't take no for an answer" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19131" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19120" CreationDate="2018-10-07T10:24:51.143" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;That's a difficult question. You can't control your father emotion and neither can he. The only thing your father can control is his reaction to those emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You think your father &quot;get angry over nothing&quot; but, for him, it certainly isn't nothing. The fact is, you don't know &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; he gets angry and, without the &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;, it will be hard to resolve the issue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that you tried to ask him &quot;why&quot;, but it failed. Based on personal experience, I think it was a good idea to try to understand the &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;. When you are trying to negotiate something, knowing why the other person doesn't want something is always a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But it failed, so what can you do now?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think knowing the &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; is still your best shot but it won't come out easily. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As DDD said, timing is important. Don't ask when he is already preoccupied or angry, this will likely cause him to refuse the conversation and not answer you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As your father might be embarrassed by the reason he gets angry, it's better to ask him privately. This way, he doesn't need to disclose the reason in front of everyone but only in front of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit&lt;/strong&gt;: As &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/11738/wendyg&quot;&gt;WendyG&lt;/a&gt; pointed out (and I agree), when talking to people who are bad at &quot;opening up&quot;, it's better to do it when you aren't face to face (like when you are on a walk or driving somewhere). I don't know why it works but, as someone who doesn't open up easily, I know that I more confortable this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, all this is good but might not be enough. In order to improve your chance of success, I suggest coming in with hypotheses of &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; your father gets angry. &lt;strong&gt;Warning&lt;/strong&gt;: don't use them at the beginning the conversation, keep them for later if your father doesn't &quot;open up&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start the conversation by telling your father something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would like to know why you don't want a male teacher to teach me. I feel that this might help me understand you better and I would like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a person, I feel that getting to know someone better is a noble goal and your father might feel the same way. If he does, this will make him more likely to answer your request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give some time to your father to respond. If he doesn't, you might start throwing hypotheses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is it because X?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(for example: Is it because you are afraid the teacher might be a bad man?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let him answer, then give him the time to give an answer to the &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then start the process again by throwing another hypothesis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At any point, your father might close the discussion (I don't want to speak about it!). I won't tell you what to do in this case (push more or let it rest) but I would like you to keep this in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your father might not be ready to talk about his feeling, not yet and maybe not ever. Not with you and maybe not with anyone. He has the right to some privacy. If you want to respect his choice, you can tell him this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see that you don't want to talk about it. If you change your mind in the future, I will be there to listen to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last sentence keeps the door open for future discussion, so that one day, you finally get the answer to why he his angry (and so that you can talk to him and peace his mind).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that I have been a bit quick about why it's important to know the &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;. So, here it is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have the &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;, you can start negotiating. Without the &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;, you are just throwing random argument in the air, hoping that one will change your father mind. But, with the &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt;, you can focus on what your father dislike and concentrate your effort on that.  Which is, in my experience, way more efficient. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-08T15:40:01.190" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T15:40:01.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19132" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19130" CreationDate="2018-10-07T10:26:08.947" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would make this simple. He is taking advantage of your friendship. You need to be direct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I did you a favor to get you going but I am not longer going to work&#xA;  for free. My professional rate is $x.  I still value our friendship&#xA;  and hope we can continue to hang out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;We need to start small&quot; implies you are somehow partners. He has given you nothing. You are not part of this business. Even if he offers you an equity position think twice. You also have to pay if the business loses money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastActivityDate="2018-10-07T10:26:08.947" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19130" CreationDate="2018-10-07T11:19:06.120" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tell him I'm not going to build his business for him and still remain friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can work - but nor for free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask him how he imagines you collaboration to fit into his company. Probably you want that to be soft but nevertheless expressive. So don't ask if you are part of this success - assume you are but you only don't know how exactly this will work. This takes his illusion of someone who works for free until he isn't needed any longer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example take this as a basis.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;This business is about to become serious. What are your future plans for this business? We should fix my position too. Doing x and y takes a remarkable time for me so will I be employed in your company, will I become a co-owner or which way else will I be involved into this?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This still leaves space for you to stop working on the project if you see you can't do all that stuff for longer or you just don't want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastEditorUserId="13264" LastEditDate="2018-10-07T11:26:58.790" LastActivityDate="2018-10-07T11:26:58.790" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19134" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19130" CreationDate="2018-10-07T11:34:34.860" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Go straight to the problem:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was happy to help with some coding for you as a favour, but this project seems to have grown and is now taking over our friendship. It's time for me to step away from the project so that we can go back to enjoying our time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also asked about setting boundaries before starting. That's true: when it comes to business, it's helpful to agree on everyone's expectations at the start, especially what each party is willing to put in and what each party wants from the venture. It can feel extremely awkward discussing such matters with friends, but in my experience, it is a one-time awkwardness. Afterwards, everyone knows where they stand and what to expect. If the expectations aren't compatible, the deal will fall apart sooner or later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are a programmer, so I'm sure you want any bugs in your programs to be revealed as soon as possible. There's a similar idea at play here: if the deal will fall apart because of a fundamental incompatibility in expectations, it's much better to have it fail early on, before significant resources are expended. More importantly to your goal of saving the friendship without continuing the demands you feel are overbearing: if you will walk away from the deal anyway eventually, it tends to affect your friendship less if you walk away before having put in significant effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Returning to the suggestion at the start of my answer: incompatible expectations tend to breed resentment, and resentment tends to grow with the amount of effort put in. Now that you see that your friend's expectations are incompatible with yours, it is better to stop putting in further effort. It's not as clean a break as stopping right at the start, but it's better than allowing things to worsen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastEditorUserId="10573" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T22:49:50.130" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T22:49:50.130" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19135" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16489" CreationDate="2018-10-07T12:05:21.323" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are reasons for every Behavior. After observing the situation, it is required to find out better solution so that atmosphere would become more pleasant and healthy. Few of the observations are written as below and accordingly reached up to the conclusion. While observing, I have taken your sentences into consideration in order to figure out her nature and situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Comparative Observation&lt;/strong&gt; - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;pre&gt;&#xA;_______________________________________________________________________&#xA;|Her nature                    |           Your nature                 |&#xA;|______________________________|_______________________________________|&#xA;|Introvert                     |        Extrovert                      |&#xA;|------------------------------|---------------------------------------|&#xA;|Self-Centered                 |        Not Self-centered              | &#xA;|------------------------------|---------------------------------------|&#xA;|Stubborn nature               |        Doesn't look like that         |&#xA;|------------------------------|---------------------------------------|&#xA;|No Patience                   |        Doesn't look like that         |&#xA;|------------------------------|---------------------------------------|&#xA;|Like to enjoy with 1,2 person |        Like to mix with group         |&#xA;|______________________________|_______________________________________|&#xA;&lt;/pre&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Conclusion&lt;/strong&gt; - Her nature is more on negative side. You both have opposite nature. It is difficult to have friendship. I fear, sometime relation will burst. Instead of making the situation worst, please talk to her on this topic politely. Talking directly and politely is better than facing any worst situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can arrange meeting with her in some free time and politely discuss the matter. Initially, just talk with her on funny jokes or talk on some interesting stuff. And later, slowly capture the proper moment so that she will not get hurt and you can tell her the fact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Please tell her politely&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We all are teammates and colleagues. In any work situation, we always help each other. So, I prefer to talk with everyone in equal manner. You and other team members are equally important to me. We are working professionally. I observed few negative things in your behavior. ................. (tell her everything). We all deserve everyone's attention. So better to follow healthy atmosphere instead of troubling each other. I hope you can understand the situation. I would like you to be always there with all of us in work and would like to enjoy together. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this answer would help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-07T17:27:02.990" LastActivityDate="2018-10-07T17:27:02.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19136" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19130" CreationDate="2018-10-07T23:18:16.290" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who works in IT, there's an old principle: the guy who built it supports it.  I've run into things I've done years ago that are no longer in my job that people still ask for help on.  You are kind of in this space as well.  Especially with a app to program, that needs to be understood over the long haul.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest issue you have is the proper setting of boundaries, which your friend apparently lacks and wants to exploit for their gain.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Both of these can be resolved with another IT principle: a Statement of Work.  @Lawrence has a good idea about backing out completely but that may damage your friendship.  Hence I recommend doing a SOW.  Normally that's done before any work starts; there needs to be a meeting of the minds for what will be delivered, by whom, when.  However, that still can be done here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time your friend contacts you, I'd say politely but firmly, &quot;I think that we have a disconnect about my level of effort.  Let's you and I sit down and write up a Statement of Work so we have that clarified.  Until we do that, I'm reluctant to do anything because we don't have a good meeting of the minds.&quot;  Then, every time my friend contacts me about more work, I'd refer back to that need for Statement of Work and that, without it, I can't go any further.  And that would include a point at which you wash your hands of the whole thing, unless you want to take on supporting the app you wrote.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That will do a couple of things for you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Establish that you want to continue being friends, but need better definition around your level of effort&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ensure you both agree on your role and responsibilities&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ensure you both agree on his rights and requests for you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Establish boundaries so you don't wind up building the business for your friend, at no cost to your friend&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If my friend would try to lay a bunch of guilt on me about this, I'd respond with, &quot;As your friend, I don't have a lot of time for this.  Normally my consulting rate is [x] (it should be at least double my current hourly rate at work), which I'm waiving for you already because we're friends.  But I still need to have both of us understand how this works so we don't damage our friendship.&quot;  Then, if my friend wants to demand a bunch of work for free, I'd make them aware that they are damaging our friendship with their demands (and I'm not by trying to establish our mutual goals).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-10-07T23:18:16.290" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19137" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19181" CreationDate="2018-10-08T00:10:52.360" Score="5" ViewCount="1117" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently met a girl on a night out when we were both quite drunk, and, having liked her I began texting her every now and then. After a  few days, we decided to go out for some coffee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, when we met up I realised pretty much instantly that I wasn't really attracted to her at all (i.e. I don't enjoy her company much), and that I didn't want to go ahead with anything, but it was clear that she thought otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where I screwed up. Instead of texting her to let her know that I enjoyed the date (even though I didn't, it's just mean not to) I didn't contact her again. Worse yet, she mentioned to me a few times that she has had bad experiences in the past, and that they have lowered her self esteem. I feel like I have now contributed to that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today (the second day after our date) I saw her walking with a friend. I waved and smiled, and she did the same back, but it was clear that she seemed quite sad. I then saw her later in a corridor alone, where we again exchanged smiles, but neither of us said anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I now feel awful. I know I screwed up, and I know it's affected her. How do I go about fixing this, and how can I make sure it never happens again? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="534" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T02:45:04.057" Title="How should I apologise for making someone feel bad for something that wasn't their fault?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-10-11T07:19:10.953" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19139" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19119" CreationDate="2018-10-08T08:35:23.350" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Don't allow your friend to behave in this manner&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have observed that she is behaving differently than normal friends do. You don't like something and that feels you uncomfortable. That is enough stuff to talk with her. Don't think much about her straight or bisexual physical status. This is her personal problem. Your goal is to remain her friend but without her touchy behavior. So, don't adjust her behavior because it makes you uncomfortable, frustrated, and diverting your mind. Better to tell her now than its become very late and which should not affect on your friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, tell her politely &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;You are my good friend. But I really don't like your touchy behavior. Let us keep some distance while talking. Other friends are talking with me by keeping some distance. Being friends, we can talk on our dislikes. So I did. Hope you can understand.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, you can avoid her for 2 to 3 days. Later, whenever she will ask you by taking initiative that &quot;&lt;em&gt;why are you avoiding me since 2 to 3 days?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Then at that time also you can tell her above things. Then also she can understand it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;At the end&lt;/strong&gt;, still she will behave with the same manner then just describe the fact to your mutual 1 or 2 friends. Together, you can arrange one meeting and tell her behavior and body language which you feel frustrating. &lt;strong&gt;More than one person advice, surely helps.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-08T11:35:06.170" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T11:35:06.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19137" CreationDate="2018-10-08T12:09:32.960" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tough situation.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Out of your question I understand the fact that you do not enjoy at all her company not even as a friend since you decided to end things so easily. &lt;strong&gt;Am I right?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she told you about her past experiences, that means she thought of you as been different. And you might be, since you feel like that after deceiving her and after seeing her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to text her out of the blue, like right now, asking her about her day and try  not go into a deep conversation, just keep it casual. Or better, tomorrow or next time when you see her, approach her and ask her how she is doing, and have a small talk. &#xA; Make her offer you an answer better than '&lt;strong&gt;ok&lt;/strong&gt;' or '&lt;strong&gt;fine&lt;/strong&gt;' by answering to her: &lt;strong&gt;and you(how you doing?)&lt;/strong&gt; with a more complex answer than hers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to tell her you don't like her or that you don't like her company, since she doesn't act crazy as you guys are something more, but you can't avoid or ignore her either. It is not nice, and you might end making her feel worst about herself. &#xA;Just have a chit-chat/small talk with her about her day or something and act natural.&#xA;She might be way to polite and respect you decision of not contacting her, but at least she deserves an explanation or something more than just an smile and a wave.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If things get complicated and she starts wanting more from you, after the small talk just tell her in a nice way : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I care about you, but as a simple friend. I like having talks with you&#xA;  from time to time, but I can't share your feelings. I 'd like to know&#xA;  that whenever we see each other we can salute and ask each other&#xA;  'what's new?' without being in an awkward mood.  I know it all started&#xA;  as a flirting talk, but somehow down the road I realized I am not&#xA;  prepared yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes being frank might hurt, but in time she will appreciate way more that sincerity than being ignored. And after all she might not like your company either, she might just liked talking to you when she felt like being alone. You can't never be sure about something and you can't assume either that she might be a hurting and bad state/mood right now. But you can still be a nice human being and put a smile on her face by just : asking how she is and really listen and mean in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like Simon Sinek once said in an interview- whenever you ask someone : &lt;strong&gt;how she/he is&lt;/strong&gt;? you are obliged to sit there and listen and care, otherwise just don't ask if you are not interested at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's what I am saying, if you really care at least and you don't want to make her feel weird about deciding not to talk with her anymore and if you want to feel free about that guilt just act natural and go towards her saying: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey! How are you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;****PS:**** &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;In life, you don't have to apologize to anyone for not returning their feelings or simple not liking her/her company(you can't please everyone)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, buy you have to apologize for being weird and cut all the chains with her out of the blue or at least try to not ignore her whenever you see her. Since you are feeling awful you really have to free yourself from that guilt and straight things with her. And I can assure you that the Universe will take you somewhere where you will see her again really soon if you want that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Best luck!&lt;/strong&gt;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21391" LastEditorUserId="21391" LastEditDate="2018-10-08T13:12:24.220" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T13:12:24.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19141" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19189" CreationDate="2018-10-08T12:43:50.790" Score="31" ViewCount="17915" Body="&lt;h1&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My aunt bought some houmous thinking it was vegan when it wasn't. How do I tell her she made a mistake without upsetting her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other day, I was at a family dinner. My aunt didn't mind making it a vegan meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She bought houmous thinking it was vegan. My little sister pointed out (to me, privately) that it wasn't vegan because there was some white cheese inside (she knew because she had helped to transfer the houmous from the box into a nicer container. I didn't ask her if she actually did read the ingredient list but she wouldn't have known there was &amp;quot;white cheese&amp;quot; in it otherwise. I wasn't very surprised because I have seen houmous with cheese in it in the past).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later during the meal, my cousin asked me if I had checked that the chips were vegan because, sometimes, there are eggs in it. I hadn't (I didn't know they put eggs in some chips), my little sister ran to see if they were, they were.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My aunt got mad at my cousin (her son) and said that she had checked the chips and that she also had checked the houmous and there weren't any eggs in it so both were vegan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't say anything to my aunt (because I didn't want to upset her further). I just double checked with my sister that the houmous wasn't vegan (she was sure that there was cheese in it, I believed her).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My aunt bought the houmous thinking it was vegan (because it had no eggs in it) but it wasn't, as there was cheese in it. Now she might make the same mistake in the future. I don't want this to happen but I also don't want to hurt my aunt (she is a very sensitive person).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I tried&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing. When she told my cousin she had checked for eggs, it was a very bad timing to tell her that the houmous was, in fact, not vegan because of the cheese.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to communicate to my aunt that she made an honest mistake when buying the food for this family meal, without upsetting her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Notes and clarifications&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm the only vegan in my family but my other cousin (my aunt's daughter), who wasn't there that day, is vegetarian.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Even though my little sister is not a vegan nor a vegetarian, she is very supportive of me and will always be on my side when it comes to veganism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My aunt knows the difference between vegan and vegetarian (she had put vegan cheese on the lasagna and she buys me rice milk when I stay for the night). I think she just didn't notice the cheese in the ingredient list (I, myself, had the same problem a few time when I start becoming vegan).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm 23 and my sister is 17.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I never saw the ingredients list but I trust my sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This happened yesterday&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The houmous was only a part of the appetizer, not the main course (so I had other stuff to eat).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2021-04-03T06:56:19.053" Title="How to communicate to my aunt that she made an honest mistake when buying food for a family meal?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19142" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19149" CreationDate="2018-10-08T13:01:02.807" Score="68" ViewCount="25873" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Note: one of my best friends is in this situation with her friends, so I'm asking this question for her (from her perspective).&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have two close friends, Bobby and Sarah, that I met together almost 3 years ago (we all met at the same place/time). Bobby and Sarah have been dating for almost two years now. Things are pretty serious between them. They both still have their own places, but there seems to always be an empty apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At a party recently while she was pretty drunk, Sarah admitted to me that she slept with another man about a month ago&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;. I was shocked. Things (at least from the outside) seemed to be going well for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was only friends with either Bobby or Sarah, this would be easy. But I'm torn--I feel like no matter what I do I'm choosing a side and &quot;betraying&quot; one of them even though they're both close to me. That being said, I think that honesty is the best policy, so I've decided, as his friend, that this is something Bobby should know about. However, I know Sarah will likely be upset about a breach of trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I let Bobby know that he's been cheated on while minimizing the fallout for myself from Sarah?&lt;/strong&gt; I love them both and I don't want to lose either of them to this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. In response to several comments about whether they may or may not have an open relationship: Sarah explicitly referred to what she did with the other man as &quot;cheating,&quot; which leads me to believe that it was not something Bobby consented to.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T02:55:54.573" LastActivityDate="2019-03-20T15:42:33.043" Title="How to tell a close friend they've been cheated on when the cheater is my good friend" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="9" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="10" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19143" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19142" CreationDate="2018-10-08T13:01:02.807" Score="112" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;This is the initial advice I gave my friend. We're still talking about how she should handle this, so I'm excited to see what you interpersonal adepts come up with! :)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're right to fear Sarah becoming upset about a breach of trust, because you &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; be breaching her trust. You'd be taking something she told you in confidence (even if she was inebriated) and going behind her back to spill her secrets to Bobby. Because of this &lt;strong&gt;I'd tell Sarah directly that you're planning on telling Bobby.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sarah's probably feeling some kind of mix of guilt, self-loathing, fear, and a whole host of other emotions. Depending on her personality, she may be one step away from turning all of that toward you as hate and anger. As such, I'd try to play to her empathy to you as her close friend by emphasizing how much you care about Bobby and her and how much it would hurt &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; to have to keep this secret.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd bring up the party and have a conversation about what happened--letting her vent her feelings about the whole thing. After she's gotten it all out, I'd let her know what you're thinking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't think it's fair to Bobby to keep hiding this from him. I love you both and I don't feel like I can look him in the eye and keep hanging out with him if I have to hide something like this from him. I think it'd be better for both of you if he heard it from you instead of me, so I wanted to give you time to talk to him before I see him next&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;. I don't want to go behind your back or betray your trust with telling me, but this isn't something I can keep from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She might be mad. She might yell at you. Or she might feel defeated and seem to deflate. Either way, make sure you stay as calm as you can while handling her. If you think it'd be a good idea, you can offer to tell Bobby together with her if she needs the support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. Thanks to @JessK for this one!&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-08T22:04:57.470" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T22:04:57.470" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19119" CreationDate="2018-10-08T13:11:18.640" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answers seem good, but to add one more dimension: You're at a time of life when people tend to try out different behaviours ways of being, what psychologists call identity exploration. (This is one reason why your friend might say she &quot;used to&quot; be bisexual — the current understanding is that sexual orientation doesn't keep shifting.) It's natural that your friends will experiment with different levels of affection, different ways of showing it, and different targets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During this time, it's important to give unambiguous feedback about whether a behaviour is appreciated. The person honestly may not realize or pick up on the signals you're trying to give, and words like &quot;weird&quot; are too vague. (Don't the movies tell us that weird can be good?)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was just starting high school, I was also overly affectionate. One day a teacher quietly pointed it out to me, explaining the importance of making sure other people are equally into it, and simply to check on others' boundaries. That certainly made me change! It helped that this message came from a trusted adult, but it would also have made sense from a trusted friend. It didn't put an early stop to identity exploration and boundary-testing throughout high school, but it was the right move then and I didn't forget it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the message is hard to accept, so consider giving it gently and stressing that this isn't a reflection of not wanting to be friends. On the other hand, sometimes a gentle signal is also not a strong enough signal, in which case I think DDD's solution of temporary avoidance is a good one. When you're exposed to a person you like every day it can be hard to do the emotional work of deciding how it's best to act around them!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="475" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T13:11:18.640" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19145" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19141" CreationDate="2018-10-08T13:39:46.600" Score="59" Body="&lt;p&gt;Her becoming upset about the matter will most likely come from a place of trying to make you feel included but failing to do so (seeing as she had checked the ingredients but missed the cheese by accident). I would approach the subject with a very polite &quot;thanks for putting in the effort to make me feel included&quot;-mindset. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to let her know that you appreciate the effort she put in, but explain that unfortunately a lot of food is very tricky to find in vegan/vegetarian forms, even as a veteran vegan/vegetarian. I'm sure you've got some stories about finding some tasty looking food, but then finding out it was non-vegan that you could tell her to let her know that it is very tricky. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the way that my SO has talked to my family when presented with food that she could not eat (diabetic), and instead turns the &quot;I can't eat this!&quot; into &quot;I saw a really good light soft drink that turned out to be incredibly sugary; it's so hard to find good alternatives&quot; story. This also reduces the blame/shame put on the party that purchased the item.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T13:39:46.600" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19142" CreationDate="2018-10-08T13:49:45.113" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I feel you!&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand perfectly what you are going through, but &lt;strong&gt;my advice is to stay out of it.&lt;/strong&gt; &#xA;I know they both are your friends and you love them and care for them, but please don't choose sides and don't tell Bobby about Sarah, either Sarah about planning to tell Bobby what she did. It won't end well and for some reason maybe Bobby doesn't want to find something like that or maybe he won't believe you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, you might lose them both in your way to make things right.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just take a moment and think. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that from the outside their relationship seemed to be going really well, but what if they are not? What if Bobby doesn't make Sarah feel good? Or what if their act is just too good that they don't realize how much they are lying? What if Bobby is the one pushing Sarah over the edge? What if Bobby cheated on Sarah too? What if? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There might be a lot of scenarios so don't jump to conclusions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since Sarah told you about that, she might felt really bad about that and that secret might be eating her up from inside. And somehow she felt like telling someone her deepest, darkest secret in order to free herself from the guilt. Maybe she tries to deal with the fact that she cheated on a good man. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were you, I'd stick with Sarah and make her see the truth before hurting Bobby more than she already did. But not trying to threaten her with: &lt;strong&gt;I will tell Bobby everything.&lt;/strong&gt; Try to highlight to her how much they both mean to you, and that by telling you that secret, she made it hard for you to look at Bobby. Repeat her what she means to you and that you want her best. Tell her that her secret is safe with you. But in the end, Bobby will find out (karma) so she better tell him. Make her realize that her decision wasn't good and that if she misses something in her relationship she should end things before keep hurting Bobby. And try to &lt;strong&gt;make her tell you the real reason why she did that. Because there is always a reason behind every act!!!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Threatening someone even as a friend, is never ok. I know your intentions are good and pure, but she won't see it like that. She will see it as an act of betrayal. Be by her side and help her go through all of this. She trusted you with her deepest secret and that means you can't go simply to Bobby. As I said previously, there might be a chance that Bobby won't believe you or that he already knows. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just trust the Universe and Karma and things will set the way they should. Just don't choose sides before knowing perfectly both sides and even then, you might not know the whole truth.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take into consideration the fact that even after Bobby finds the truth, he might forgive Sarah, but not you. And in the end, you don't want to lose them both. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ps:&lt;/strong&gt; Be by Sarah and make her turn herself to Bobby but not by pushing her or threatening her. And be by Bobby's side too (by defeating him in front of Sarah).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ps2:&lt;/strong&gt; Make Sarah understand the burden and the huge amount of responsibility she put on your shoulders when telling you the truth. Now, because of her act, you have to lie and betray a friend in order to cover for her. And if she is a good person, which I vote she is, down there, she will take the quilt out of your shoulders and tell Bobby the truth on her own. And in the end, if this scenario happens, you will end with two best friends, not just friends! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Best luck!&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21391" LastEditorUserId="21391" LastEditDate="2019-03-20T15:42:33.043" LastActivityDate="2019-03-20T15:42:33.043" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19148" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-08T14:21:30.027" Score="8" ViewCount="801" Body="&lt;p&gt;Muslims are only allowed to bow and prostrate to God because we consider such things acts of worship, and Islam is a very monotheistic religion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a problem in Japan, where bowing is considered a common greeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I handle greetings where I'm expected, but unable to bow, without seeming disrespectful?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22393" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-10-08T14:45:59.423" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T22:12:48.367" Title="How do I greet someone when bowing is a common greeting among the people without being disrespectful?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;&lt;japan&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19149" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19142" CreationDate="2018-10-08T14:29:40.250" Score="56" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question is how you can tell Bobby that he has been cheated on, so you have already decided that is the right thing to do. That is good, because we can't solve a moral dilemma for you, and we couldn't say whether or not you &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; tell Bobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because you've already made this decision it is fair to say that your own personal moral code has told you that Sarah has done something &quot;wrong&quot; and that Bobby has a &quot;right&quot; to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just for a moment imagine what &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; happen if you &lt;em&gt;didn't&lt;/em&gt; say anything and Bobby later found out about it and learned that you knew all along. He probably wouldn't trust you anymore, and he'd likely assume that your covering it up either by deception or omission meant you took Sarah's side in the matter. In actual fact your conscience is telling you to say something to Bobby because you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; side with Sarah.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I put that scenario to you is because at the end of all of this, no matter how people react (because there is no guaranteed method to minimise &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; possible fallout) you want to have a good conscience and to have stood up for what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; believe is right. That can be worth more than holding onto a friend who doesn't share you stand on matters like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are two possible outcomes from telling Bobby you should consider:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He dumps Sarah because he cannot forgive her indiscretion, he may not take the news from you so well but in time he will probably thank you for telling him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He forgives Sarah and they stay together. This &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; result in them &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; pushing you away, because if they want to make a go of it as a couple, having someone around who knows a &quot;dirty secret&quot; might be a threat to that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also there are two possible reactions from Sarah worth considering:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She eventually comes to understand why you had to tell Bobby, and you retain your friendship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She never forgives you and you lose her friendship. This could happen whether they break up or not.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't guess at the odds, but I would say that the scenario in which you are most likely to lose them &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; as friends is if you say something and they stay together. Even if they can understand why you did it and forgive you, it will just be awkward having someone around who knows that your relationship isn't as perfect as they want people to believe it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best approach I can suggest is for you to speak to Sarah first and &lt;em&gt;tell her that you believe Bobby has a right to know&lt;/em&gt;. If she agrees with that then you could tell her &lt;em&gt;she has to tell him herself&lt;/em&gt;. Tell her that you feel you have a moral obligation to make sure he knows, and that only if she doesn't tell him will you have to tell him yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't a guaranteed fail-proof method, but I believe it is the one most likely to be successful because (i) you aren't doing anything behind Sarah's back, (ii) if she tells Bobby then he need never know you were involved, (iii) it alleviates your conscience and (iv) shows Sarah that your motivation is your conscience and a desire to do the right thing, rather than simply interfering in someone else's relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T14:29:40.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19153" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-08T15:01:04.217" Score="32" ViewCount="6885" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on television shows, it seems borrowing tools from neighbors is a potential minefield. I need to power wash my front and back porches and the siding of my house. My neighbor has a power washer that he uses to do this on his house 2 times a year. In the ideal world I would borrow the power washer every year or two (I don't care if my siding and porch are a little dirty).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Details that may be relevant: I live in a highly urban area of a major US city in a block of row homes. I have no space to store a power washer, but the neighbor has a shed in his back yard. I see the neighbor regularly (he likes to sit on his porch) and we happily chat for a few minutes. We have been into each other's houses a few times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can I ask to borrow the power washer and if so how? I would plan on using it for a few hours and returning it clean and dry, is there anything else I should do? Is payment in beer (he drinks beer on his porch) appropriate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3259" LastActivityDate="2021-03-03T12:16:01.840" Title="Etiquette regarding borrowing of power tools" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19154" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-08T15:20:33.330" Score="7" ViewCount="807" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have Chinese parents and the stereotype is 100% true in this case... I’ve recently gotten a bad score on a test, however I’m in double accelerated math. However, apparently that’s the standard for Asian kids, and other kids work harder and are smarter and etc. How do I get my parents to not yell at me? Vague on purpose for various reasons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22407" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T00:04:14.473" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T14:51:35.693" Title="How do I defuse a shouting fight about a bad test?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;china&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19156" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19141" CreationDate="2018-10-08T16:05:18.610" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've bought houmous many times and made it to a variety of recipes, and cheese isn't a typical ingredient.  Neither is egg, by the way.  I probably would check the label f I was feeding a vegan but very much as a just in case step. (The one I had a lunchtime states: &quot;Ingredients:Cooked Chickpeas (53%) (Water, Chickpeas), Water, Tahini (Sesame) (13%), Rapeseed Oil, Concentrated Lemon Juice, Salt, Garlic.&quot;).  If present I would expect it to be mentioned prominently on the front of the pack, as an additional ingredient (as for example chilli would be). The reason for this, to quote Wikipedia, is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hummus is a common part of everyday meals in Israel. It is made from ingredients that, following Kashrut (Jewish dietary laws), can be combined with both meat and dairy meals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would reassure her that she was caught out by something abnormal -- it's not her fault if they put non-standard ingredients in there. I would prefer to do this quietly, without involving anyone else, though I certainly wouldn't hide it from them. I like to avoid a fuss, and it wouldn't help her either to make a bigger deal than necessary. If the best opportunity to say something along the lines of &quot;you really don't need to worry on my account, it's not your fault they used a weird recipe&quot; is in front of the others, that's also good, especially as once said you've got the chance to move on - so saying it early is good. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1866" LastEditorUserId="1866" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T16:43:08.903" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T16:43:08.903" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19157" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19148" CreationDate="2018-10-08T16:28:46.113" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is only my &quot;preference&quot; for handling such a situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I posed the question as if &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; were unable to greet someone with a handshake either due to a medical condition or religious constraint (I believe certain Jewish holy men can not touch).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would smile very happily, and either nod or wave. i.e. A different cue that I am happy to see that individual and I acknowledged his presence. I would explain only if pressed or the other person appears sad. &lt;em&gt;Perhaps&lt;/em&gt; a cue also that I am not able to shake hands (or in your case bow)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note I am from United States, and I do realize Japanese society is quite different, so I am not sure if they would react as other Americans would given the above.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7579" LastEditorUserId="7579" LastEditDate="2018-10-08T16:42:35.970" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T16:42:35.970" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19142" CreationDate="2018-10-08T16:30:01.350" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since this is StackExchange, I'll made a sci-fi reference to convey my point: this is a real-life interpersonal Kobayashi Maru dilemma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something to consider is that not only did Sarah betray Bobby, she also forced you into choosing a side (a no-win scenario) by telling you. Others here have laid out all the permutations, but you really have no idea what consequences will happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We must first acknowledge that there is no way to control reactions of others in this scenario; due to this you must focus on minimizing the damage to yourself. Regardless of the consequences (which you have no control over), if you follow your own ethical headwinds you can at least hold your head high - content that you acted consistently with your internal value system.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way you wrote the question, it appears that you believe you must tell Bobby. This is something I agree with for the following reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Knowing nothing other than what was documented in the post, we can objectively agree that &lt;strong&gt;Sarah wronged Bobby&lt;/strong&gt; in one of the worst possible ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) &lt;strong&gt;Sarah also wronged YOU&lt;/strong&gt;. She falsely assumed: &#xA;[a] You will default to taking her side (an insult to your character)&#xA;or &#xA;[b] fails to understand that the burden of this knowledge forces you into an ethical dilemma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Due to (1) and (2) above, we know that Sarah is consistently untrustworthy and selfish &lt;em&gt;with respect to this this event&lt;/em&gt;. It's reasonable to conclude that she cannot be trusted to tell him without self-serving damage control that would only serve to mislead Bobby and prolong his hurt. Trickle-truth is hyper-common with cheaters and is a thing that must be acknowledged and prevented if your goal is to truly do right by Bobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Side commentary: I would let Sarah know WHY you acted on the information (&lt;em&gt;after the fact&lt;/em&gt;). Sarah appears to be so enveloped in her own solipsism that she needs this overtly explained to her. She obviously does not appreciate or understand the dilemma she put you in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TLDR: tell Bobby everything you know and then step out. Assume you may never talk to either one again. Remember it's a no-win scenario that is custom-built to test your character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit: per commentary below, this has been edited to further detail my thought process.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22410" LastEditorUserId="22410" LastEditDate="2018-10-08T21:34:48.447" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T21:34:48.447" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19153" CreationDate="2018-10-08T18:10:36.963" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you talk that regularly, then you can certainly ask, as long as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You give him a clear expectation that he'll get it back by X day/time and stick to that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You let him know you'll return it clean and refueled, and stick to that. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It costs about 60 bucks a day to rent one from the local big-box store, so maybe a twelve-pack is appropriate? Make it worth his while but never go over half the value of rental.  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19692" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T18:10:36.963" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19162" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19153" CreationDate="2018-10-08T18:15:35.390" Score="50" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sure you can&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not an American but having lent and borrowed many tools to and from many different people from different cultures, this seems universal:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would plan on using it for a few hours and returning it clean and dry, is there anything else I should do? Is payment in beer (he drinks beer on his porch) appropriate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is fine. Simply ask him if you can use it, thank him in advance and promise him the beer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where things go wrong (in my experience), the &quot;minefield&quot; bit if you will, is when people borrow things but don't use them right away, or return them in a worse state. Or when people excessively borrow and don't return the favor when called upon. I've never seen any argument over something that was borrowed once, promptly returned and accompanied by beer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be that your neighbor has some bad experience lending things though, so he might deny your request, or be a little firm on cleaning/returning. If he denies your request, just accept it and say you understand, no harm done. Otherwise, just do as he requests, he'll appreciate that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&#xA;As @StianYttervik points out, this is something to keep in mind: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd also add, be very aware of the possibility of your having to replace the power tool in question. Don't borrow toys you cannot afford to replace...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21207" LastEditorUserId="316" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T09:39:46.157" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T09:39:46.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19148" CreationDate="2018-10-08T19:49:00.697" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As an American with a strong interest in Japan and Japanese culture I think that you will be fine without bowing. This is second-hand advice, so definitely don't treat it as the final word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bowing in Japan is (as far as I am aware) a lot more intricate than just bending at the waist to some arbitrary angle. Advice that I have received as someone travelling to Japan (and that I have seen given to other travelers) is to &lt;em&gt;not bother trying to bow&lt;/em&gt;. It's apparently just very difficult to appreciate all of the nuances and implications as an outsider, and so even if you were to bow there is a good chance that you're doing it &quot;wrong&quot; in some way or another (though probably not to any horrifying extent, just not exactly correct for your situation).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Japan is an interesting place, but it's very used to tourists and other travelers that don't really understand the intricacies of Japanese culture. Especially if you're in a larger city any good-faith effort to be polite will likely be received well (they were certainly accommodating of and kind about my poor-quality Japanese language skills).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Shaking hands is supposed to be getting more popular there, especially for businesspeople, but is still unusual. If you're there for business purposes you'll be better off reading up on customary business card exchange (it's a real thing, and there are rules for it) than worrying about bowing or not. And if you're there just to visit, the standard of behavior expected of you will be quite low. Honestly, by worrying about this at all you are probably ahead of the game compared with any random tourist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T11:10:19.213" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T11:10:19.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19141" CreationDate="2018-10-08T19:56:56.573" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;From your aunt's answer (that it was vegan because of no eggs) it sounds like she didn't even consider that dairy could be an issue.  If you want to get a good result, I'd treat this as a chance for education rather than correction.  You say that she understands that dairy is non-vegan.  However, she clearly made an effort to buy vegan, and when challenged remarked that &quot;it doesn't have eggs&quot; indicating that she didn't consider cheese.  Since cheese is a common component of hummus where you are, that indicates she isn't thinking about dairy.  Or perhaps she's thinking about milk, but not cheese.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you should try to discuss what makes a recipe vegan, &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; as a &quot;here's how you screwed up&quot; conversation but rather as &quot;when I decided to go vegan, I had to figure out substitutes for these things like eggs, milk, cheese, etc&quot;.  Or some such.  Bring it up without saying &quot;hey, that hummus you bought wasn't vegan&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you want to do is educate your aunt so there isn't a problem in the future, because you can't go back and correct the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm emphasizing education because clearly your aunt is making a good faith effort to buy you something vegan.  I find it unlikely that she looked at the ingredients list, verified that it didn't have eggs, and then deliberately ignored the cheese.  You mentioned in a comment that even you sometimes have trouble verifying all the ingredients are vegan.  You should bring that up, again not to correct your aunt, but to show how carefully the ingredient list needs to be checked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying &quot;don't buy brand X of hummus, that isn't vegan&quot; doesn't solve the problem.  Your aunt might well buy another brand that also had cheese in it.  It's better to make sure she knows what to look for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also possible that your sister is just incorrect, the hummus was vegan, and merely contained something that looked like cheese.  Which is another reason not to &quot;correct&quot; your aunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T12:19:02.563" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T12:19:02.563" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19141" CreationDate="2018-10-08T20:40:32.887" Score="24" Body="&lt;p&gt;You shouldn't say anything at all. Your aunt obviously made a special effort to accommodate everyone's dietary expectations but made a simple mistake. That mistake had no consequences to anyone except one person - you. If she were to do it over again, she probably wouldn't make that mistake, for two reasons: 1) As you said, she knows the difference between vegan and vegetarian. (By that, I assume you're saying she knows what is acceptable to a vegan.) and 2) It was an honest mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It isn't always necessary or beneficial to point out someone's mistakes. Instead, focus on the positive and boost your aunt's self confidence at the same time. You can do that by complimenting her on the generous effort she made for all of you. You can even point out how well she prepared the meal to everyone's expectations. But just avoid any hint at her mistake. Under those circumstances, she's more likely to look at it as something she wouldn't mind doing again, rather than just a bother that brings no appreciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4100" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T20:40:32.887" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19130" CreationDate="2018-10-08T20:52:26.163" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My experience with people who negotiate better than I do is that I have to draw a line and stick to it, because if I don't I can be talked into things I shouldn't allow.  You need to pick a line beyond which you won't go, and this has to be clear and easy to explain. It should not involve vague promises or commitments.  Make it clear that you will regard going beyond your limits as trying to take advantage of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also need to consider whether he is trying to take advantage of you, and whether he is a real friend.  His idea seems to be that you do most or all of the work, he tells you what to do, and he'll make vague promises of money.  Explain that you think this is going beyond friendship.  The possibilities are that he'll back off on demanding work, or he'll drop you as a friend.  If he does the latter, you're better off anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that, unless your friend is in the software business, he almost certainly grossly underestimates how difficult the job is.  If he considers himself the idea man who doesn't have to do the real work, he's going to want a disproportionate share of the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd recommend telling your friend that, if this is going to become more than a hobby project for you, you need to have it set up legally.  (Again, if he refuses, either he's not serious about following through or he's serious about stiffing you.)  Your duties should be specified, along with your compensation (which can be either pay up front or a fraction of eventual profits - and if it's the latter I'd run it by a lawyer first.)  You can make it clear that this will allow you to preserve your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18513" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T20:52:26.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19142" CreationDate="2018-10-08T21:11:39.783" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you should have a follow-up conversation with Sarah. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you may feel it’s your responsibility to tell Bobby, it is really Sarah’s. Sarah should be given the option since it was her transgressions that led her to the situation in both (1) challenging her relationship and (2) telling you about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a heart-to-heart with her about what she shared while you were indulging. Let her know your feelings about the situation, just as you have done here, and ask if she has any plans to share what happened with him. Don’t be judgmental or accusatory. People that engage in extra-relationship affairs often aren’t trying to hurt their partner and sharing it with you may have been a way of seeking help.  Encourage her to talk with Bobby and that although you have no plans to abuse her trust, you think Bobby’s important and it would be all-the-more disrespectful to hold such information from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;what you say and how you say it is important.&lt;/em&gt; This is a delicate situation and the slightest misinterpretation could make devastating impacts on your relationship.  For instance, it could also backfire and Sarah could maintain her relationship with Bobby and turn it all on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22419" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T21:11:39.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19142" CreationDate="2018-10-08T21:43:59.020" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ah, moral dilemmas. I believe some other poster said something similar, but consider a &lt;em&gt;Machiavellian&lt;/em&gt; perspective. From chapter 21 of Niccolo Machiavelli's &lt;em&gt;The Prince&lt;/em&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A prince is also respected when he is either a true friend or a downright enemy, that is to say, when, without any reservation, he declares himself in favour of one party against the other; which course will always be more advantageous than standing neutral; because if two of your powerful neighbours come to blows, they are of such a character that, if one of them conquers, you have either to fear him or not. In either case it will always be more advantageous for you to declare yourself and to make war strenuously; because, in the first case, if you do not declare yourself, you will invariably fall a prey to the conqueror, to the pleasure and satisfaction of him who has been conquered, and you will have no reasons to offer, nor anything to protect or to shelter you. Because he who conquers does not want doubtful friends who will not aid him in the time of trial; and he who loses will not harbour you because you did not willingly, sword in hand, court his fate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Niccolo Machiavelli is &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Niccol%C3%B2_Machiavelli&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;considered many things&lt;/a&gt;: a diplomat, politician, historian, writer, playright, poet, and a philosopher. However, he is also considered a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humanism&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;humanist&lt;/a&gt;. Although this quote of his refers explicitly to war and, in particular, taking a side versus remaining neutral, this theme also exists in relationships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking analogously, there is no way to completely win in war, be it a war between your allies, enemies, or both; there will always be losses. After all is done, whether you sided with the conquering side or the conquered side, there is something that you will have lost:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if siding with the conquering side, you will have lost all respect and favor from the conquered side; &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if siding with the conquered side, you will have lost all respect and favor from the conquering side, and you will be destroyed. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In choosing one side, you will undoubtedly be hated by the other; you will be singly hated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remaining neutral involves detriments as well, worse so than having chosen a side: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the conquering side will both view you as disloyal for not having supported them, &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; the conquered side will view you as disloyal for not having lost with them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will be doubly hated, from both the conquered side and the conquering side; a worse fate than being singly hated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what must a prince do? He must come to the understanding that in war, there is always loss. Moreover, he must understand that remaining neutral is doubly worse than choosing a side. Thus, he must choose a side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In another, less elegant way of putting it, someone's gonna get hurt regardless of the decision you make. At the very least, you can control some of the damage and choose to reveal what you heard from Sarah to Bobby. And I'm sure you've heard enough quotes by now, but let me give you another one: &quot;all it takes is one bad apple to ruin the bunch&quot;. Unfortunately, Sarah was the bad apple and she ruined not only her relationship with Bobby by cheating on him, but also with you by telling you the truth and placing this burden upon your shoulders. She created a &quot;war&quot; and now all will suffer (to varying degrees).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21084" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T21:43:59.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19175" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19142" CreationDate="2018-10-08T23:07:39.973" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are several missing bits of knowledge that are not presented. We know these two people are not married and not even living together. We don't know what their expectations are from the relationship. We don't know if one (or both) of them are not ready for a longterm emotional and economic relationship. The fact that they maintain separate residences suggests they have not in fact made a commitment to a lasting sexual and/or emotional relationship. They may never have discussed what level of commitment they share or expect of the other. Or they may even have divergent understandings of the other's commitment to monogamy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to be making an assumption that Bobby understands that a joint commitment has been made to maintain at least temporary exclusivity on a sexual level. And you are also assuming that honesty with Bobby &lt;em&gt;requires&lt;/em&gt; you to share knowledge with him. You should re-consider where this assumption comes from. Is it possible that this moral posture is really what you would expect in a relationship, but not necessarily one that Bobby expects?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel the need to talk to one of them, it should first be with Sarah. Say simply that you wish you had not been given this information and you feel uncomfortable keeping it from Bobby. I'm not, however, sure you have the right to even ask about the level of commitment in their relationship. It's really between them and them alone whether they want to share that personal information with you. That will inform your next steps. It might result in Sarah `fessing up if there was a (broken) understanding of exclusivity. Or it might clarify where she sees the relationship going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12093" LastEditorUserId="12093" LastEditDate="2018-10-08T23:13:19.123" LastActivityDate="2018-10-08T23:13:19.123" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19137" CreationDate="2018-10-09T00:25:03.957" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't apologize. Don't talk to her. Don't dwell on this situation in any way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on what you said, she understands and is aware of what happened. Therefore I would advise you to be polite, make yourself rarely seen for a while (if you run across her frequently) and learn not to be impulsive when involved with alcohol or women or both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You both got burned due to your impulsiveness and the best recourse is to not make it any worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17350" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T00:25:03.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8427" CreationDate="2018-10-09T01:21:55.340" Score="-1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I mean, if he really does insist on paying, I guess I can probably live with that. I just don't know how to do it without it being awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You friend wants to pay and you don't really care, so just let it go polity. When the bill arrives, say: &lt;em&gt;I think it is my turn&lt;/em&gt;. If you get turned down respond: &lt;em&gt;should we just split it&lt;/em&gt;. If that is turned down, just say &lt;em&gt;thanks, I will get it next time&lt;/em&gt;. If the bill never arrives, just say &lt;em&gt;you seem to always win this game, are you sure I cannot pay&lt;/em&gt; (likely followed by &lt;em&gt;thanks, but let me get it next time&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't play, your friend will either stop, or feel good about themselves. Either way it is no skin off your back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3259" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T01:21:55.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19137" CreationDate="2018-10-09T06:15:02.227" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I disagree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19140/&quot;&gt;Eveleen's answer&lt;/a&gt;. This might just lead to a more awkward time later. I think what you did was nearly correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I once had a very similar situation, and I was direct and ended it by saying that things just don't work for me both as friends or lovers. While this was harsh at first, I felt much better after a short while. And it is just the most honest thing to do. Why should you waste your and her time with small talk pleasantries if you know you won't go deeper? Better a little emotional pain now but less later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just apologize for not writing her and state the reasons, e.g. I am not feeling/seeing a future together&lt;/strong&gt;, something along those lines but with a bit more tact.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11118" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T02:45:04.057" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T02:45:04.057" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19182" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19154" CreationDate="2018-10-09T07:48:14.053" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;They are your parent before being anything else and they want their best for you.&lt;/strong&gt; Even if the best means sometime having way to high expectation on you and even 'their best' might not mean your best. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to take a deep breath, relax and accept them being like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best you can do in my opinion, is to show them you work really hard and sometime &lt;strong&gt;you need a nice-encouraging word from their side&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am raised in Romania and my parent way of dealing with my bad grades was different from yours, yet I know deep down, they 've loved me and they thought as being the best way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I came up with two scenarios and I can't tell you which one is the best, is your choice, yet if I were you I'd choose the first one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1: Tell them right away.&lt;/strong&gt; Go home, hug them, give them a kiss out of the blue and tell them - that you are really sorry for that grade, yet you studied hard, but apparently not enough. And that next time you will give your best and you won't stop until you will make them proud they have a son/daughter like you. Ask them if hey are upset or disappointed and ask for forgiveness again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;since they are your parent, they will be a little upset, but seeing you being way more mad on your own, they won't yell or punish you. They will help you stay more focus and maybe they will also help you understand the parts you failed in test. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2: Wait until you take another grade at any subject and tell them then that you have two news.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;em&gt;(This '2' worked on my parent a few times, yet mine were definitely different then yours).&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't suggest you to take into consideration the second scenario, being a grown up on my own right now. If I 'd be a parent I'd prefer them telling me the truth right away and showing to me that they are really upset and scared to not disappoint me. &#xA;Yet I presented the second scenario to you, so you have a backup plan in extreme cases. I repeat myself, lying to your parent won't turn ok in the end, so take in consideration do you want them to lose trust on you, or to be by your side? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(note: I don't know that good how Chinese parents deal with bad grades, yet is my advice, thinking that being a parent means that you love your child way more than anything else in life)&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes the best way to get through is being honest and true to yourself! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;HOPE FOR THE BEST, PLAN FOR THE WORST!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; - that's my favorite quote. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Expect for they being understanding, but plan your explanation to that bad grade as expecting for the worst. I know it sounds extreme, but can be applied on so many cases/scenarios in life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to tell them right away and show them that you fear the fact that you might upset/disappoint/angry them. After all is just a grade and your health and joy in life should be for them way more important. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just have faith and love them! &#xA;And learn from their way of teaching you, so when you will be a parent you won't apply that or you will but being careful not to scare your child as they did to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Best luck!&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21391" LastEditorUserId="21391" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T07:55:41.750" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T07:55:41.750" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19141" CreationDate="2018-10-09T09:14:09.477" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It appears like your aunt is a bit misinformed about veganism. She thinks she only needs to look for eggs, while she also needs to look out for cheese and other dairy products.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend to slip this into a future conversation not connected to any meal she cooked for you. Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;It is so hard to find good vegan food. It always surprises me in what kinds of products you find cheese or milk. I always need to check the fine print on the back of everything I need to buy. A while ago I saw houmous in the supermarket and found that they put cheese in it. In houmous? Can you believe it?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Important points:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;I-statements&lt;/a&gt;. You are framing the problem as your problem, not her problem. That way you do not put her into a position where she needs to defend herself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't claim she made this mistake. She should realize that she &lt;em&gt;maybe&lt;/em&gt; made that mistake, but she doesn't lose face because you do not accuse her directly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You communicate that it is an easy mistake to make and that you almost fell for it yourself (which might or might not be true, but that's beside the point).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1943" LastEditorUserId="1943" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T10:09:50.633" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T10:09:50.633" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19186" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19219" CreationDate="2018-10-09T09:53:03.160" Score="0" ViewCount="640" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An acquaintance of mine wants to buy the same apartment as me, and neither of us is willing to back down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In short&lt;/strong&gt;, we discovered before going to the showing that were both very interested in the same house (we discovered the listing independently). I don't want to enter into a bidding war with this person, where we would both lose out (by ending up paying more).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I of course feel that my reasons for wanting to move to this particular flat are stronger than hers, but naturally she feels the same since she doesn't want to back down either. I am staying with my parents and they have just put their property on the market, so I am in need of place. This apartment meets all of my needs, and also allows me to stay in the same complex as my sister and brother-in-law, who I have a good relationship with. She however has told me that she needs to enter the market soon so she can have her parents over in the holidays. She also said that I should look at something else since she has perceived that I earn enough to get a bigger place (and implies that she can't buy anything else), which seems to be a guilt tactic to me. So, I don't find her reasons valid, and she doesn't accept mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I have tried&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I told her I was going to put in an offer, to play open cards and show my seriousness (which might have encouraged her to put in an offer herself sooner than she might have without me telling her this). Because measuring who wants it more (or who has more right to it) is a pointless exercise, we are thus leaving it up to the buyer to decide without having disclosed our offering prices (going to put in our bids blindly against each other). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We also made the estate agent aware of our situation so he will not disclose the other's bid. This is the solution we have gone with, and at least one of us will end up &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; getting it. I am certain things could have been less stressful for both of us if we could have come to an agreement beforehand. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Questions&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask friend or acquaintance to relinquish attempts to offer to purchase property so that my own attempts will be cheaper/easier?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22438" LastEditorUserId="22438" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T15:20:31.140" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T15:13:13.950" Title="How can I ask an acquaintance to make no offers on an apartment we are both interested in?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;acquaintances&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19142" CreationDate="2018-10-09T10:55:39.420" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been where you are, and it's horrible.  You have my sympathy.&#xA;It's a bad situation, and there are no good options for you, but you need to pick a side.  You might be able to stay friends with both, but you should go forward under the assumption that you cannot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine you didn't have this information, and fast forward 2 months: Bobby and Sarah have broken up because he found out about it.   Where do you stand?  Sure you want to stay friends with both, but when push comes to shove and they both invite you out on the same night, what do you do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My situation was slightly different - Bobby was the cheater and continued to cheat on Sarah.  What I did was talk to him repeatedly, and explained that he needed to tell Sarah before she found out on her own.  I did not give him an ultimatum, because I didn't want to take sides.  He didn't tell her, but she did find out on her own and they broke up.  She eventually forgave me for not telling her and we are still friends; I lost touch with him because I chose her over him after the break up.  If I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would have told her when I found out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have decided on a side, then you can either:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Give Sarah an ultimatum to tell Bobby before you see him next.  If&#xA;she does not then tell Bobby that you feel terrible giving him this&#xA;news but you felt he needed to know.  You will be there to support&#xA;him if he needs it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tell Sarah that you wont say anything but eventually Bobby will find &#xA;out and she needs to be prepared for it, and preferably tell him&#xA;first.  You will be there to support her if she needs it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4733" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T19:52:34.983" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T19:52:34.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19141" CreationDate="2018-10-09T11:19:59.057" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'll start this answer by saying that (as per Jim's answer) it is important that it is an honest mistake on the part of your aunt. (Things are very different otherwise.) Given this, it is likely that your aunt will try harder not to make the same mistake again, because if she cares for you she of course wouldn't purposely try to give you food that you feel uncomfortable eating. And that is the starting point you should keep in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hence your objective is not to point out the mistake (unless you already have a very firm and stable relationship, which you don't seem to have yet), since you said that she is a sensitive (presumably to criticism). Rather, make it easier for her to avoid the same mistake the next time. To do so, perhaps you can put it to her as a request:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for the meal! Do you mind trying to get XXX houmous or YYY houmous the next time, since I very much prefer them, since the other brand seems to have some unusual ingredients that don't suit me well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you encourage her by implying that you would appreciate her cooking such a meal again, just with a substituted ingredient. Since she made an honest mistake, she would in fact be happy to know what brand to look for, as opposed to having to hunt for a suitable brand on her own (and potentially getting it wrong again).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that it would not be nice to make this request too soon after the meal. Perhaps wait one or two days, so that you can mention this just in passing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, consider the following point, though it has nothing to do with the question of communicating to your aunt. If your reason for veganism has to do with morality, then not buying non-vegan food supports that stance, but if a mistake is made and you or someone preparing your food has already bought non-vegan food, you may wish to think through whether rejecting that food will still support your stance. In my opinion, sometimes it is better to just accept honest mistakes on a one-off basis as long as there is little risk of people using that one-off acceptance against you, because the 'damage' usually cannot be undone (that food often cannot be returned). If your reason for veganism has to do with health, then infrequent mistakes should not have much impact on your health, so it can be wise to take them in good stride. Of course, this is just my opinion as a non-meat-eater who has faced similar circumstances, and your viewpoint may differ.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12070" LastEditorUserId="12070" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T14:07:09.113" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T14:07:09.113" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19148" CreationDate="2018-10-09T11:50:10.250" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Nice Question&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Only sitting down is no problem. Otherwise, the handshake is globally accepted body language for greeting among the people&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further explanation -&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bowing means doing &lt;em&gt;Ruku&lt;/em&gt; (putting at 90 degrees) or doing prostrating means doing &lt;em&gt;Suju&lt;/em&gt; (completely down, putting your fore-head down) is Haram (not allowed) in Islam. You can only bow down and do &lt;em&gt;Suju&lt;/em&gt; to Allah (God) and no one else. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sitting down is not Haram&lt;/strong&gt;. But a person you want to show as superior and want to degrade you and sit down i.e. not good in Islam. This is against to Islamic culture. &lt;strong&gt;All the human being are equal in Islamic culture&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Allah said in &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Surah Al Hujuraat Ayat (Quran Ch.49 V.13)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; - &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;Human beings, We created you all from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another. Verify the noblest of you in the sight of Allah is the most God-fearing of you. Surely Allah is All-knowing, All-Aware.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, &lt;strong&gt;you can sit down to greet the people in Japan.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Japanese people are friendly, they can understand the fact that the greetings against the religion's rule is prohibited and it will not be considered as disrespectful act. Here, &lt;strong&gt;your intention behind 'not bowing' is pure&lt;/strong&gt; and there is specific reason. You have respect for them in your mind and that solves the problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The handshake is globally accepted body language&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-09T22:12:48.367" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T22:12:48.367" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19193" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19154" CreationDate="2018-10-09T14:51:35.693" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who also comes from a Chinese family (not in the US though, a primarily Asian country), I'll try to provide some insight that the other comments seem to be slightly lacking in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Asian Culture&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unlike (what I understand from) Western culture, Asian culture emphasizes &lt;strong&gt;extremely heavily&lt;/strong&gt; on filial piety as well as unconditional respect for your elders. This usually means that they hate being &amp;quot;talked back&amp;quot; to, the definition of which has expanded to basically giving even a mildly non-compliant answer to anything they say. Sometimes, even justifying your position is seen as being defiant, unreasonable as it seems (I really dislike this aspect of my culture).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll preface this with saying that this is from what I have observed. I believe that this rather traditional belief is likely due to being brought up under these circumstances and believing that that is what a parent-child relationship should be. A lot of Asian parents are very restrictive and believe that they know better than their children (whether that is true or not is irrelevant) and as a result, don't really respect them. I would say that's where the Asian stereotype of over demanding parents come from - Asian parents are more conservative and don't really empathize with the struggles of their children, which can lead to them shouting or punishing them through violence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps more exaggerated instances of this can be found in Asian media, especially in dramas, where in the more cliché ones, children are essentially an extension of their parents to whom they are subservient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;In Response to OP&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Much like what some other comments said, your post is lacking in context, but I'll try to cover all bases.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a bunch of questions you can answer to decide the best course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is your desired outcome?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you want to placate your parents? Or do you want them to  understand why you did badly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're looking for the former, you should honestly just tide out their shouting and agree with whatever they say. I know this is unhealthy, but from my experience, the conflict will not end unless you accept that it is your mistake no matter the circumstances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can attempt to justify your poor results after they have become less emotional, but this is dependent on the following point as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, if it is the latter, here is a follow-up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are your parents usually reasonable with regards to other conflicts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, you can try to explain to them that what you scored was actually the average, since it is a doubly accelerated class, but whether they accept this or not is dependent on their regular behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are they usually reasonable? If so, they might be upset because they believe that you are not putting as much effort as you should have been. Whether that is true or not is irrelevant, but if that is why they're upset, explaining this to them would be immensely helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my case, my father has severe anger management problems, so when I was younger, he would frequently lecture or shout at me over seemingly insignificant matters, depending on how much I rebut him. Growing up, I realized that the easiest solution would to be to essentially placate him by accepting whatever he said. Unfortunately, he would always be insistent on him being right, which meant that there wasn't much of a point in talking to him afterwards, so I basically grew to ignore whatever he said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I can't be overly specific in my answer since you know your parents better than I do, but you should &lt;strong&gt;consider what outcome you want&lt;/strong&gt; and perhaps, sadly, &lt;strong&gt;accept that you can't really control your parents' outburst at you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can only hope that in time, they will respect you enough to converse normally with you. I'm really sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21975" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T14:51:35.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19194" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19196" CreationDate="2018-10-09T15:13:10.060" Score="0" ViewCount="260" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am watching professional wrestling. In the show I am watching, the commentary team is doing a good job, but lacking in one very important area. This particular area is not something that many fans need, I need it because I have a physical challenge and it would really help me if they improve on this area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two months ago, I found one of the commentator's twitter account. I quickly created my own account and tweeted him to make him aware of this particular area that they are lacking. It seemed to be received very well because they mentioned my tweet on the show.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, though they've improved their commentating, they still are lacking at this particular area of commentating. I do not dare to tweet again because they might find it insulting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, this commentator posted again. He asks for suggestions to improve his commentary. I cannot resist and sent him a reply that looks like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Enjoyed what you did. My only suggestion is for the team. I am so thankful that you now ... more often since my tweet. Please do them more. Something as simple as ... would really really help a lot. Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, hours after replying, I began to feel that my actions might be inappropriate due to the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They might feel I am demanding too much.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There must be some reason why they didn't implement my suggestion earlier and I am disturbing them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My questions are:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is my message appropriate? Is there a chance this might be taken negatively?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What should I have done?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21058" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T16:16:08.663" Title="Replying to people in social media without sounding insulting" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;netiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-10-09T19:36:56.327" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19194" CreationDate="2018-10-09T16:16:08.663" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't see anything wrong with the excerpt you included here, it seems you are keeping a respectful tone and focusing on providing constructive feedback, exactly what they asked for.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that if this commentator has a particularly busy schedule or large audience they may lack the time to address specific repeat comments or are likely to get a very large number of messages, not all of which may be as respectfully phrased or helpful. The fact that they acknowledged your suggestion previously is a good sign, commentating something live it may take some time for them to remember your suggestion to be able to include it more often, give them time and know that you've done your part to try and help them deliver a better commentary.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for why they might not have included your suggestion earlier, well common knowledge can be surprisingly uncommon sometimes :P&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T16:16:08.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19153" CreationDate="2018-10-09T19:37:23.267" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Douwe's answer is good. I just wanted to add that I've been in the exact position as you before, and I opted to request to borrow a willing lender's pressure washer from a community site called &lt;a href=&quot;https://nextdoor.com&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Nextdoor&lt;/a&gt; (not affiliated). I simply made a post asking if anyone had equipment I could borrow and someone responded. You may have access to a similar neighborhood website via an HOA Facebook group or town forum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While nothing is expected by the lender when you borrow (except that the item be returned in the same or better condition), it is certainly nice to return the gesture if possible. I opted to provide a small tip to show my thanks. Much cheaper than buying or renting the equipment, and everybody wins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21611" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T19:37:23.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19202" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-09T20:01:47.727" Score="3" ViewCount="438" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner and I are working in close but distinct academic fields as researchers. It turns out that my career is reasonably successful, without being stellar, but her situation is more complicated. She simply does not produce enough research output, not because of a lack of skills (she is truly brilliant) but because she does not work enough. This is mostly due to the fact that she has mild mental health issues that make it difficult for her to concentrate on solitary tasks when she is distressed, which unfortunately happens quite often and tends to get worse over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She often asks me to tell her my &quot;honest&quot; opinion about her prospects. My honest opinion is that she should look for another job more compatible with her personality, and that opinion is shared by the vast majority of the people who know them. However, she gets infuriated when I only mention the idea that there are interesting activities to do outside academia. She accuses me of not believing in her potential, or even of intentionally crashing her self-confidence. She puts pressure on me to work together, which would not make sense at all given that our fields are distinct. This topic has become extremely sensitive between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think she would just be happier if she admitted that this career is not a good fit for her, and if she switched to an activity with less pressure, more flexible hours, etc. That said, I am not sure that giving my honest opinion would help her, and it would probably jeopardize our relation. What should I say when she asks me this question?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11135" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T20:18:16.250" Title="Should I tell my partner my honest opinion about her career choice?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;life-partner&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-10-09T20:34:19.493" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19202" CreationDate="2018-10-09T20:18:16.250" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you could benefit from the opinion of a third party.  Even one session with a counsellor or therapist (you mentioned mental health concerns) could help her to answer some questions objectively, without feeling like you're criticizing her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in her situation (still am), where career suffers in part due to mental health issues.  It's a lot easier to have these frank discussions in a support group, or with a therapist then it is with a partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17644" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T20:18:16.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19186" CreationDate="2018-10-09T21:53:05.990" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you will have a difficult time achieving your stated goal without a lot of extra legwork.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend has indicated that this is the home for her, and she's apparently unable to look for another in time to suit her needs. If we assume that she's being honest about her needs then it's difficult to imagine her bowing out just so that you can save money &lt;em&gt;and also&lt;/em&gt; get the thing that you both want for yourself, exclusively, while she gets nothing. Are you really surprised that this is not attractive to her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's not being honest about how much she needs this place then we're stuck-- it's hard to suggest an option that she might like without knowing what she wants or why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want her to withdraw you'll need to address the reasons she's currently refusing to do so. If she really does need a place soon, and this is the only one she's found that meets her requirements, then your best bet might be to present her with similar apartments for sale. That way her walking away doesn't leave her completely empty-handed, nor does she have to invest her time and energy finding another suitable place to live.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possibility is to pay your friend to retract her offer. There might be some amount of money which would compensate her for her trouble but still be less than the amount you would have had to add to your bid to compete with her. You come out ahead, she gets something, and everything's OK. Whether or not she will go for that will depend on the amount of money involved and how unique this apartment is in meeting her needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't think of anything else that would even &lt;em&gt;maybe&lt;/em&gt; sway me, if I were in your friend's shoes. If she really needs the apartment, or even just badly wants it, but you are dead set on preventing her from having it (not maliciously, but just because you can't both get it) then she may not mind you having to pay extra for it. Possibly even a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; extra. Why should all possible benefits accrue to you, and none to her? Besides, by leaving her bid as is she may well end up with the apartment she wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, there are other parties involved. It's entirely possible that your &quot;standard&quot; bid for the unit would be too low to beat out other potential buyers, and only trying to beat her offer actually puts you in the running to get the apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-10-09T21:53:05.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19206" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-09T22:30:00.280" Score="18" ViewCount="4536" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Here's the situation:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's this girl, let's call her Jane, that I've known for slightly over a year.&#xA;We met pretty randomly when we were both looking for a dance partner for ballroom dancing, and the past year we pretty much only met at lessons and events related to the lessons.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;During the previous year she had a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However at the start of the current year her boyfriend broke up with her, and at that point I realised that I like Jane, and wouldn't mind seeing if we could date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since then we see each other &lt;em&gt;slightly&lt;/em&gt; more often, as she asked me if I would like to try out for the exercise that she does, and I ended up enjoying it (although whether that is purely because I enjoy the activity, or because she is also there, I am not sure of).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether or not there are any signals that she is interested in me, I would not feel confident saying. There have been some things that make me go &amp;quot;Hmmmmmm&amp;quot;, but I do not have a good track record at reading signs, and know of myself that I tend to interpret things more favourably in such circumstances&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The problem, and question, I run into is:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What is a good way that I can approach asking her if she wants to date, without making it incredibly awkward?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I really want to avoid is making it that she no longer feels comfortable going to dance lessons with me, or that's she feels awkward about me asking her out.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Additionally I do not want to give the impression that I was waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend, so that I could ask her out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another point is when it would be good time to approach this subject with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I also want to make it is clear as possible that I do not mind it if she rejects me, but I also don't want to end up with a really vague answer like &amp;quot;Well, maybe later&amp;quot;, as that would offer me no closure so to speak.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope I worded the question clear enough! It's my first time asking a question here, so anything I can do to improve the question, please do tell&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22456" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T08:02:46.640" Title="How to ask someone you see regularly out on a date, without making it awkward?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19208" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19206" CreationDate="2018-10-10T09:40:34.147" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before asking if she wants to date you, maybe first figure out if she’s open to the idea of dating and if she’s already seeing someone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, you could ask her for a coffee after one of your regular activities together. Make it like a casual catch-up instead of a date. During the coffee, ask her if she’s dating and what she is looking for. If she is available and interested in you, she’s very likely to share that with you and ask you the same questions. And based on her answer and the interaction, you could get a better sense of her interest level and whether there is a good fit between you two. With this new information, it’d be easier for you to decide if you’d like to make the next move and what kind of date would be more appropriate for you to ask her on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T09:40:34.147" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19209" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19232" CreationDate="2018-10-10T10:00:19.480" Score="10" ViewCount="1878" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were at a party for a mutual friend and as we were standing in a circle, talking to each other, she started talking about her kids' field trip. I was semi listening, semi listening to the other conversation next to me. When she showed the picture of two toddlers, I asked her if one of the kids had down syndrome. &#xA;When I saw the looks on everybody's face, I knew she was hurt because it was her kid I had mistaken for. I apologized immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Requirement&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I apologize to my friend? I felt really ashamed that I put her in that position. It was an honest misconception of mine, and didn't mean it as an insult or anything like that. I feel very bad about, do you have any suggestions how to act further? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorDisplayName="anon" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T11:33:17.380" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T11:33:17.380" Title="I have suggested my friend's toddler has down syndrome. How can I explain myself or apologies to her?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19210" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19206" CreationDate="2018-10-10T10:09:32.713" Score="5" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Chances are good that she likes you, too.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Usually&lt;/em&gt;, women signal interest more subtly by &lt;em&gt;causing&lt;/em&gt; them and their interest in question to spend time together, even if by no means romantically. And since she invited you to her exercise, it sounds a lot like she wants to spend time with you.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Of course, I am an outsider and can't say for sure, but I wanted to add that for reassurance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You stated two distinct goals:&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;Approaching her without creating an awkward scenario&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;not being too direct/bashful as to cause her to go to defense and making excuses/delaying&lt;/strong&gt;. (I find my description of the latter lacking, but you'll see what I mean.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The setup&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has made clear through her actions that she likes spending time with you. Sou you should use that. In your case, as you do not want to risk your friendship and dance partnership, you might not want to be too direct.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Invite her to things friends do together. When you go out with your friends, maybe invite her, too. (Ask your friends about that, first, though.) Friends can do a lot to make someone look more attractive as group scenarios and dynamics do show your social skills as well as friends would usually try to make you look good or fun to be with, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you could do is invite her to dinner. I would recommend a restaurant and not your place, but that depends on cultural context and personalities (and your cooking skills). It is rather obvious in terms of where you are going with that, but it is not nearly as direct as &amp;quot;I want to be with you&amp;quot; or something of that sort.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Stating it like this would give her the option of rejecting a dinner invitation &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;instead&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; of you. So even her rejection would be indirect.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;For this it might be best to not give a timeframe at all or a vague one. Otherwise you could barely tell a rejection from an actual excuse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is also the alternative of getting dinner tonight spontaneously. Maybe after dance class you ask her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, I wanted to grab dinner at [not-too-fancy-restaurant of your choice], want to join me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would not give her the opportunity to clearly signal &amp;quot;I like you, but I am not interested in dating you.&amp;quot; (if that was the case), but you could test the waters in regards of how much she seems to be interested in spending time alone with you, in a very roughly date-like scenario.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The conversations&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You did not want to be direct, so you should try to bond on the basis of friendship. This approach might not give you a direct answer of &amp;quot;yes&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;no&amp;quot; within a single conversation or even day, but it is a lot less likely to make it awkward for you to still spend time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have fun together, enjoy activities together if she enjoys all that with you, chances are good you could make it work. If you have trouble looking for positive signals of &amp;quot;I'm into you&amp;quot;, consider looking for negative ones of &amp;quot;I'm not comfortable with this&amp;quot;. This does not mean you should try things you think could make her uncomfortable, but to see her reactions on subtle stuff. Like simple, random body contact. If you accidentally touched her hand, does she pull hers back intentionally or is she just surprised. None of these things are very clear signals, but you'll get an overall feeling with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get the right feeling, either change the subject to relationships to find out if she's seeing someone at the moment, or ask her out to something quite obviously date-like. Especially with the latter you will get a rather clear yes or no. Phrase it as an invitation and not a &amp;quot;I want to be with you&amp;quot;. That way it is more likely she is going to be honest, if she intends to reject you, but avoiding being direct about dating gives her more space and opportunity to be honest instead of cautious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Side note:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also want to make it is clear as possible that &lt;strong&gt;I do not mind it if she rejects me&lt;/strong&gt; [...]&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;[&lt;strong&gt;emphasis&lt;/strong&gt; mine]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phrasing is very important. You should certainly not have her see it as &amp;quot;you do not mind if she rejects you&amp;quot;, because if that was the case how could she be interested in you if you cared that little?&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;What you should signal is that you could bear rejection, not that you don't mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22069" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T10:09:32.713" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19211" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19206" CreationDate="2018-10-10T10:15:40.350" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;One approach would be to let her know you'd like to get to know her better and ask if she'd be willing to do things with you outside the context of the dance related activities you both take part in. If she is interested in you then she'll likely say yes and you can ask her what she'd like to do. There's a chance she may even ask you if you mean a date - which would be great because you can simply ask her if she would like that (give her the power). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say that you're off to a good start though - she has sought you out for additional activities within the scope of dancing and no one wants to dance with someone they don't like! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take things slowly if she doesn't raise the matter of dating - these things tend to happen naturally over time if they're going to happen. Perhaps if after a few months you’ve started seeing each other several times a week and you’re arranging an activity (even if it’s just coffee) ask her if she would like to make it a date. Hopefully she will :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21656" LastEditorUserId="21656" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T08:02:46.640" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T08:02:46.640" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19212" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19209" CreationDate="2018-10-10T11:03:01.437" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You have already apologized. You can't do anything more than that. She will also forget it. Don't let her recall it again.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a mother shows the picture of her child to her friends or family members, obviously she expects warm admiration about her child (or any question regarding the kid's activity). But here you directly asked her about her kid's Down syndrome. She might have got deeply hurt because it's unusual to hear such things. You did something she didn't expect to happen and everyone's attention got redirected at her and her reaction. You already apologized, and you didn't want to hurt her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now what you can do is talk to your mutual friends about your actual intentions. You can request one of your friends to come with you and both talk to her about the misconception. Request to your friend to speak with her again when alone and explain what you tried to do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;She didn't mean to insult you and she feels very bad about her wording. She was engaged in another conversation and by mistake she talked like that &quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The involvement of more than one person affects on the matter differently.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You have hurt her. Now you apologized in person and through your friend. That is enough.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorDisplayName="user21996" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T07:29:12.107" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T07:29:12.107" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19213" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19254" CreationDate="2018-10-10T11:28:49.817" Score="43" ViewCount="20085" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most people that I interact with on a daily/regular basis seem to need to over explain and qualify every statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An example would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm heading out shortly and your car is blocking the drive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far so good, but they will then continue and state:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You'll need to move it out onto the road. If you don't I can't get my car out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other examples include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling me I need to click &quot;send&quot; after writing an email.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling me that the kettle will need water in it before I can boil it.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The printer needs switching on first before trying to print.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of these things are said in passing either. My colleague genuinely asked me &quot;You know the printer needs switching on first before you try to print that?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I kindly explain to these people that I get it, I honestly have thought of whatever they are about to say, but in a way that doesn't deter them for contributing useful observations in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22460" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-05T13:33:12.413" LastActivityDate="2020-10-25T00:22:07.110" Title="How should I ask people to stop over explaining things?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;feedback-methods&gt;" AnswerCount="12" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19215" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-10T13:29:04.087" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;Think about it like this: at the end of the day, they're just trying to help and in doing so they're only using their own breath and time. Not to mention there may come a time when you actually need this little extra bit of advice. I know I've genuinely forgotten to turn on the printer before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice for you is to respond neutrally. I'd simply do whatever it is they're advising and give them a quick &quot;Thanks.&quot; or &quot;Good call.&quot; or &quot;Yea, I got it.&quot; as you start doing it. After all, if it was common sense then you're probably going to do it already, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will acknowledge them and make them feel like they've helped and their advice has been received, while you continue doing the same thing you were already going to do. Everybody wins! And this way, if one day you truly do need their advice, you won't look bad for having gotten upset and turned it down before only to come back begging for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T13:29:04.087" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19216" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17169" CreationDate="2018-10-10T14:09:53.190" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is a grudge.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your brother is not acting like this because he wants attention, as Andrew suggested above, or because he wants to control other people (hence Andrew's suggestion to &amp;quot;ignore his tantrums&amp;quot; is wrong and will backfire sooner or later). This is also not so much about little things like letting the dog in or leaving the kitchen to him - though these situations may indeed annoy him, he would not act like this in a normal roommate setting, and would probably try to communicate and cooperatively negotiate boundaries instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, your brother is aggressive because he is angry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know what he is angry about exactly, but it must have happened long ago and hurt him deeply. The main target of his anger is your father (the &amp;quot;sick man&amp;quot;), but you and your mother also become targets when you are perceived as allies of your father - this explains why sometimes &amp;quot;you are not the problem&amp;quot; and at other times you very much are. It may be the case that everything seemed normal for a while when he moved out of the house, but the underlying issue was always there, and the sudden stress of a lifestyle change may have triggered a form of post-traumatic stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Furthermore, your brother probably wasn't really that much affected by a bad work experience; the main problem is that deep down he doesn't want to find a job and move out because he can't move on from his past trauma. He feels that he has unfinished business, so to speak, against your father, but is confused as to how to find closure and is trapped in a vicious cycle: he gets petty revenge through the behaviour you describe, and then he is further damaged by perpetuating an unhealthy family relationship - and then becomes even more bitter. You and your mother are the collateral damage here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I am right, your brother is in a lot of pain. Moreover, he does not know how to deal with this pain as an adult. He feels deeply wronged by your father, and this turns into a desire to hurt your father back, and in the process he is destroying his own life and dragging down the rest of the family as well. For the moment, he can't fully love and trust you or your mother, because of your relationship with your father. Perhaps he is refusing therapy because he feels that therapy can't give him closure unless the father is somehow punished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What you should do&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, this whole interpretation of mine may look like wild conjecture, but I think it's probable enough to warrant investigation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Please ask your brother if he hates your father. If the answer is yes, or teary eyes, you know what's going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't ask why, as that may be a painful question - even if your father never intended to hurt your brother and had his best interests in mind, a parent can inadvertently do enormous damage to a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't judge the feeling. Accept that the pain is real.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Assure him that whatever it is that caused him this much damage should never have happened, and &lt;em&gt;in that respect&lt;/em&gt; he has your support (note that this does not mean that you have to approve of his actions or share his sentiment of bitterness, just that you should validate his perception that whatever hurt him in the past was wrong).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Then give him an outside perspective of his current situation, how it's damaging everyone, and how he hasn't been doing himself any favours. Hopefully at that point he will be receptive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Why you should do it&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I'm suggesting this is because your case has striking similarities with one I know very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Person A was severely depressed (to the point that they stopped showering for months) and hostile towards their family, and did not seem to want to get better. The reason, unknown to most people for a long time, was precisely a deep-seated problem with the father.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The father died, and A was still suffering: they were still angry, but now with no one to be angry at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things started to get better after A had a heart-to-heart with their sister. After that point the family relationships started to mend and A was able to start moving on, get on the job market etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some family members know the problem, others still do not. The key interaction was the emotional communication with the sister.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22466" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T15:33:21.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-10T14:51:13.460" Score="83" Body="&lt;p&gt;The example you gave reminds me of a similar conversation we've had about &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/a/2147/3171&quot;&gt;phrasing constructive comments&lt;/a&gt; on this site ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm heading out shortly and your car is blocking the drive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a statement of fact. &lt;em&gt;OK, so what?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You'll need to move it out onto the road. If you don't I can't get my car out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aha - &lt;em&gt;they want you to do something about it!&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may seem super obvious to you why they said the first part, but it's not always so. Even (especially?) in relationships, you see the following happen: Person A makes a statement, expecting Person B to understand and fulfill the implied request. Person B doesn't realize this and doesn't do the request. Person A gets upset that they didn't do it. Person B gets upset because &quot;I'm not a mind reader!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many of us (myself included) have had this experience, so we've found it beneficial to be very clear in our communication. If I want my partner to do the laundry, I don't say &quot;hmm, the laundry basket is getting pretty full&quot;, because he's just as likely to say &quot;yep, sure is&quot; and move on, and when I get home from work I'm disappointed that the basket is still full of dirty clothes. Instead, I say &quot;Hey, could you do the laundry today?&quot;, making an explicit request (so then he responds yes or no, and there's no surprises when I get home).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possible reason, like when your colleague mentioned turning on the printer, is that they have experienced those problems before or seen others tripped up by that, and are trying to save you the trouble. If my coworkers mention a problem that I've dealt with before, I often ask them some basic questions to get to the root of the problem - sometimes even though they're quite experienced and competent, we all overlook things sometimes. As a programmer I do this more often than I like admit - so when a coworker says &quot;you're sure you're compiling the right code, right?&quot;, I know they're asking because we've all done that before!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that all is to say, it doesn't sound like people are necessarily saying this out of disdain for you or because they think you're stupid, it's that they're trying to be helpful and clear in their communication. Even if they might not be, it's best to assume good faith in your interactions with others until proven otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I kindly explain to these people that I get it, I honestly have thought of whatever they are about to say, but in a way that doesn't deter them for contributing useful observations in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Simple responses like &quot;yep!&quot; or &quot;thanks!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; are a good way to acknowledge politely. If you were already about to do whatever they suggested, &quot;Yep, already tried that&quot; or &quot;Yep, on it!&quot; conveys that, without getting into details. I do this with my mother in law, who is a bit &quot;Type A&quot; and just likes to give advice. She means well, and I don't want to risk conflict, so my priority is to be appreciative of that over asserting my expertise. (Although gentle humor, if you can pull it off, can work well, e.g. &quot;no worries, I haven't burnt down the house yet!&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to &lt;strong&gt;explain what you have done or thought of&lt;/strong&gt;, either before or after the comment. Over time they'll learn the extents of your knowledge and realize they don't need to remind you of the basics (if they pay attention, that is.. unfortunately that bit is mostly up to them!). I've had to deal with that starting new jobs before, where it took some time to &quot;prove myself&quot; before the new coworkers figured out what I was experienced with (or not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, &lt;strong&gt;make sure you're modeling the behavior you want to see&lt;/strong&gt;. For instance, I often preface my basic-level suggestions to coworkers with &quot;This may seem obvious, but have you tried...?&quot;. Although it's not direct, they may pick up on these mannerisms and reflect them back to you. It also makes it easier, if this becomes a long-term problem with some people, to discuss your frustration if you're not doing similar things yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all of this, &lt;strong&gt;keep a friendly attitude!&lt;/strong&gt; If they are hurt by your response, they will be less likely to volunteer information in the future, for fear of another bad response. This goes along with assuming good faith. Thank them for their willingness to help you out, even if it's the most obvious thing in the world to you and you already knew it, so they are encouraged to continue contributing in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2019-04-11T14:04:13.533" LastActivityDate="2019-04-11T14:04:13.533" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19218" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19186" CreationDate="2018-10-10T14:54:38.770" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Offer to pay her money, on the condition that you finalized the sales contract.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obviously of value to both of you, and like this, the money goes to the acquaintance, not the seller. It's most likely still cheaper for you to pay her something to get the flat that raise the price with a bidding war. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if she is much more interested, she might offer the money to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1648" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T14:54:38.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19186" CreationDate="2018-10-10T15:13:13.950" Score="4" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I ask friend or acquaintance to relinquish attempts to offer to purchase property so that my own attempts will be cheaper/easier?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't.&lt;/strong&gt; She's free to do what she wants, as are you. For all you know another third party neither of you know about is also showing interest in the property and may be putting a bid in. The seller doesn't care about any of you; they just want to get the best price they can. The agency doesn't care about any of you; they just want to get the best percentage cut of the sale price as a fee (for them this situation is gold). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be to make it clear to this person - if you have anything to do with each other in your day-to-day life / work - is to let them know that whatever happens it's nothing personal and that you'd hope for it not to effect whatever relationship it is you have. That would be more decent than selfishly expecting her to back down; which I doubt you would like if the tables were turned. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21656" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T15:13:13.950" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19220" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-10T15:30:47.017" Score="1" ViewCount="1095" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I met a guy at work a nine months back, and over time we became really good friends. Initially, he had a huge wall up, and wouldn't open up at all, but over time, as he began to trust me, he let it down bit by bit, till I became one of his closest confidantes about all things emotional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I met him, he was in a friends with benefits relationship, but he had feelings for the girl. Over time, it blew into a full- fledged relationship. In the meantime, I, being the absolute idiot that I am, developed warm fuzzy feelings for him. Of course, I didn't act on them, but they were very much there. As time passed we became closer and closer friends, but I moved to a different city for work, and most of our conversations were over text, sometimes over call. A month back, his girlfriend dumped him and he was heartbroken. He kept trying to get her to accept him back again, but she gave him a hard no. All this while, he'd talk to me and I'd listen to keep his mind of things. Two weeks back, he found out she was cheating on him all along, and he was shattered, and talked to me for a whole three hours, while in tears.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, before all this happened, I posted an article on my blog about having a crush on someone. It was an introspective article that focused on how I felt, no sappy descriptions of the guy or anything. So he chanced across it a week back, and kept pestering me about who it was. I held back to the very best of my ability, and this went on for two days, until he finally asked if it was about him, and I said yes. I wouldn't ever have told him at such a low point in his life if he hadn't straight out asked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He was incredibly taken aback, and his first response was, 'This is fucking cringy for me, I don't know what to do,' followed by a whole lot of 'ME? Really? But we're so different'. Anyway, the conversation ended on a fairly normal note with him telling me we'd still be close friends and to not regret having told him. The next day, he told me he was always there for me if I was sad, and it felt really wrong to him when I cried. For a week, we carried on like we used to before and everything looked like it would be fine, till he suddenly stopped cold and left my text unanswered and stopped talking all together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should I just give him his space or ask him what's up? I feel incredibly guilty and confused.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: It has only been 3 days, but this silence coming from a person who used to talk to me a lot, every single day, still feels like a long time. The goal is to stay friends with him because I really like him even just as a friend because he's really fun to hang out with and caring as well. I wouldn't want to intrude if he needs his space, but I don't know whether he needs space, or just doesn't want to be friends anymore or even if he is ready to talk about this. I just don't want to make him more uncomfortable than he already is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22468" LastEditorUserId="22468" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T05:48:18.713" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T05:48:18.713" Title="Have I lost my best friend because I told him I liked him?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-10-10T16:12:27.123" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19221" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19206" CreationDate="2018-10-10T15:51:59.827" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you've liked her for a while there's a decent chance she's already picked up on some hints that that could be the case and has decided to leave the ball in your court. This was the case for me in a past relationship where I developed a bit of a crush on a girl I was working with. I thought I had been subtle in hiding my crush but when I finally decided to admit I liked her and wanted to ask her out she didn't seem at all surprised. In the end our friendship wasn't affected and we did get out to a date after some time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course we can't always expect this to be the case but I think in general it's hard to entirely hide it when you like someone and there's always a chance they've noticed little hints to start to suspect it, if they haven't changed their behavior towards you as your crush has grown they probably don't hate the idea of having your interests at least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T15:51:59.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19222" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19220" CreationDate="2018-10-10T15:59:24.887" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;being the absolute idiot that I am&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, you're human like the rest of us. Try not to worry about that. Nor the blog post because ultimately the only thing you've done is be honest and the two of you have / had established a desire to remain close friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel for your friend, he will be going through a rough time right now. His reaction to his girlfriend dumping him &lt;em&gt;(it sounds like it never stopped being a friends with benefits relationship for her)&lt;/em&gt; and his reaction to your blog post is all going to be a flutter. He probably needs some time and space to get used to the idea she is gone and perhaps that you - his lovely caring close friend - have romantic feelings for him. Hopefully he'll see that he's quite lucky in that regard. He might even be upset at himself for how he reacted, you never know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anywho, whatever is going on with him &lt;strong&gt;it doesn't mean you can't still be his friend&lt;/strong&gt;. If it has been a week, say, since you heard from him last leave him a message along the lines of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi there :) Haven't heard from you in a while - hope you're alright - know I'm here if you need anything. Hope to speak soon :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;...and then give him space. You've let him know you still care about him; you've given him a chance to talk if / when he wants to; and with the ball in his court you can just give him the space he might need. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this works out for you :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21656" LastEditorUserId="21656" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T16:14:45.953" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T16:14:45.953" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19223" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-10T17:46:14.837" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Confessions of an Overexplainer...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people tell me I'm insecure, or need to have self-confidence. They couldn't be more wrong. In my case, it comes from parental abuse. Being wrong meant a drunken beating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Years of therapy have shown me that I over-explain when I don't trust the other person understands completely, as I fear being wrong. I'm trying to say a little, and see if the person wants more clarification. It is very difficult to break these habits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another factor that may be contributing to those you interact with might be that they are genuinely enthusiastic about the subject. Again, in this case there is no intended malice or anything like that-they are trying to be helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm just trying to show the other side from my own experience without knowing what is happening in the heads of those that annoy you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One suggestion might be to simply ask your questions in a different way-a way that betrays your existing understanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Added per @noon:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer, or reflection, or perspective above is meant to help the OP find the way forward by not assuming the responses he/.she doesn't approve of might be coming from a good place, and to not assume they are meant to be annoying or unproductive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, you will see that while most approach the point of [mild] conflict from the viewpoint of the OP, I am trying to add color by shining light from the 'other' side. Wisdom from experience is best not spelled out in black and white, but rather presented in a respectful way that allows the OP to find their own unique truth, and way forward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody can honestly claim to know what this particular person must do. That is an impractical expectation. Rather than preach, I can only offer respectful insight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22469" LastEditorUserId="22469" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T23:17:10.757" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T23:17:10.757" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19225" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-10T19:05:25.397" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I kindly explain to these people that I get it, I honestly have thought of whatever they are about to say, but in a way that doesn't deter them for contributing useful observations in the future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't because you can't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem lies here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Most people that I interact with&lt;/strong&gt; on a daily/regular basis seem to need to over explain and qualify every statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to be annoyed by what most people would consider normal behavior, this means that to change this behavior &lt;em&gt;you need to change the entire world&lt;/em&gt;. Or rather, almost anyone that lives in it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19217/21207&quot;&gt;Other answers&lt;/a&gt; have already touched on why people might over explain and how to keep interactions to a minimum, so I will not go into that anymore. I just want to point out a simple fact that I think is overlooked a little here (and quite frankly in a lot of other answers on this site):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't (reasonably) change the behavior of humanity at large.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think for a minute what it would entail in your case: You would either have to engage in a conversation about this with almost every new person you interact with, and since people are creatures of habit you would have to have this conversation over and over again (and quite possibly impose on people the very annoyance you want to end). Or, you would have to start some sort of campaign to stop this behavior and spend huge amounts of time and resources on it. Neither of these options is practical, and even if they where, they would probably not bring about the desired outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what's left is to simply accept that people will behave like people, which at times can be pretty annoying for sure, but sadly cannot be helped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;=======&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: @TinkeringBell asked me why it would be so very bad to engage other people about their behavior, in a comment that seems to have fallen victim to the comment kraken that roams this site. (I really don't understand why, it was a perfectly valid comment asking for clarification on my answer). So I'll add my response here, because I think it adds value:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wouldn't call it 'very bad' at all, but more like a 'mission impossible'. Since this is about coping with annoyances, expecting (almost) every other person to change their behavior will most probably lead to frustration, while learning to be tolerant to other people's annoying behavior is actually an excellent opportunity for personal growth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21207" LastEditorUserId="21207" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T08:42:53.743" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T08:42:53.743" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19229" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19130" CreationDate="2018-10-10T20:02:36.510" Score="0" Body="&lt;h2&gt;My Experience&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work as a software developer for my day job, but I also work for myself making prototypes/products and other projects in my &quot;off hours&quot;.  Most times it's for myself, and sometimes for others.  I do this as a side business, so people have a little more understanding of where I come from when I talk to them about their projects.  I think most of their understanding is that I'm telling them about my business when they bring up an idea they want me to make for them, so the fact that I'm telling them I do things for pay &quot;automatically&quot; lets them know I have certain boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I have been approached by co-workers, friends, and family to make different things over the years.  Usually they ask me if I have the capability to do something, with respect to what I already do, so again they seem to have the expectation that I'm not going to spend all my time and effort on their project.  I also tend to state that I have other projects that I'm working on, but am willing to look at what they have in mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are a good friend of yours, you might not have to go as far as a Statement of Work, as baldPrussian mentioned, but setting expectations from the beginning is very important.  I sounds as if this wasn't done initially on this project, so taking a step back and setting expectations in a SOW would be a good move right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you get more experience in the workforce, you will come up against something called &quot;scope creep&quot; or &quot;trying to hit a moving goal&quot;, repeatedly, which is what it sounds like you're butting into right now.  Setting expectations will help mitigate that issue.  With expectations set, you can sometimes reset your moving goal back to the agreed on initial expectation.  The push back from this reset depends entirely on everyone's attitude.  Sometimes you can make this easier to take if you state something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm afraid that this/these new goal(s) go beyond what I was initially on board with accomplishing.  I think we need to dial it back a bit.  However, once we get the original set of goals complete, we can see about reaching this new set.  We just need to get some things complete before we start pushing further.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is to say, if you're good to go with the new set of goals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Point of View: Switch&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your friend's viewpoint, you may seem like &quot;the man&quot;, the person who can do anything, knows everything, and can be &quot;whatever&quot;.  Your friend might be realizing that they are in over their head and are asking you for help, even though it seems like they are demanding you to help.  (At the same time, they may be hesitant to bring someone else in on the project, since that &quot;new guy&quot; is only doing what your friend said they themselves would be doing in the first place.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may simply be expecting you to have quick answers for their &quot;impossible&quot; or difficult questions.  You've already agreed to help them in one respect, so why would you not agree to help them in other respects, right?  You want this to work and not waste your programming efforts, right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well... yes and no to both.  This is back to setting expectations.  Do you want to or can you help them with the business side of things?  Can you do this at the same time as your day job and building the app?  The only right or wrong answer to these, and other questions, is if it works for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To push back on things you don't know or aren't willing to help with, you can passive-aggressively use the site &lt;a href=&quot;https://lmgtfy.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://lmgtfy.com/&lt;/a&gt;.  This acronym stands for &quot;let me Google that for you&quot;.  Once you put in search terms, you can send them the generated link and it'll show them a condescending way to search for the thing they asked you about.  It also allows them to do their search right from that page, so it's not completely wasted effort on your part.  I wouldn't start with this approach first, though.  Start with setting expectations, then if that doesn't work, simply do a search then send them the link to the search.  If it's not clear to them that you are simply doing their work for them at that point, then the next step might be lmgtfy.com.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3616" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T20:02:36.510" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19232" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19209" CreationDate="2018-10-10T21:43:13.050" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ow&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even in light of Dutch etiquette (or lack thereof, the Dutch tend to be very informal. I know cause I live there) this is a faux-pas for sure and will have raised some eyebrows. It will probably, depending of course on the people involved but people being people, also have been the basis for some gossip and/or snarky or disapproving remarks made in private afterwards. However, &quot;blurting out something stupid&quot; is a fundamental part of the human experience. We've all been there; you, me and luckily also your friends. Stuff like this is not unforgivable and I would be surprised if it was treated as such. If it was, it would almost certainly be in a much broader context involving more than just this single incident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You obviously still feel bad about the whole affair and feel the need to apologize to your friend again, but the first question should probably be: should you apologize again? I think this depends on your friend. If she has already shrugged it off, bringing it up again might not be the best thing to do. Your mutual friend might be of help here, you could inform discreetly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do sense that your friend still feels hurt, or resentful towards you, you could try and &quot;talk it out&quot; as the Dutch say, but you'll probably want to pick an appropriate time to do so. And you should be reasonably sure she is willing to talk about it with you, again something your mutual friend could help you with. If you do, being completely honest would probably get you the furthest. I wouldn't recommend adding meaning where there is none, if you didn't think it through (or didn't think at all) just say you didn't. The Dutch use an English word for this: &quot;brainfreeze&quot;. If that is what it was, call it that. Calling it an &quot;honest misconception&quot; might be explained poorly, like there is a truth to it (which, even if there was, would be wise not to mention). Mixing and matching your own words together you'd end up with something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I felt really ashamed that I put you in that position. I didn't mean it as an insult or anything like that. I feel very bad about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I wouldn't worry much about the other people that were in the room, to them it will probably just have been another weird/awkward situation that is easily forgotten, especially since you've already apologized.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21207" LastEditorUserId="21207" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T11:22:37.383" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T11:22:37.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19233" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-10T22:04:41.910" Score="2" ViewCount="208" Body="&lt;p&gt;For the past ten years, I have been living next door to a family with four kids and both of the parents work. They usually get home from work around 6:00pm on the weekdays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their four kids are latch-key kids who get home from school around 3:30pm each weekday. Whenever they come out to play in their back yard, they are always very loud, constantly screaming while playing and constantly teasing their 7 year old sister who is contantly screaming her head off. She has an extremely high-pitched scream and I swear you can hear this girl screaming from a half a mile away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have told their parents on multiple occasions that their kids make a lot of noise and all the screaming is unnerving, but I never seen their parents come out of their house to tell their kids to quiet down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never told their kids to quiet down but this may soon be coming to an end because I just can't take it anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it be appropriate for me to tell these kids to quiet down during the times when their parents are not at home?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21891" LastEditorDisplayName="user21891" LastEditDate="2018-10-10T22:46:57.527" LastActivityDate="2018-10-10T22:46:57.527" Title="Would it be appropriate to tell my neighbor's kids to quiet down when their parents are not at home?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-10-11T04:38:33.910" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19234" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-11T01:24:55.810" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;There may be something about your communication style (or pre-conceived notions people have of you) that leads people to think they need to clarify things that you find obvious.&#xA;Lets try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;You're blocking my car&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: &amp;quot;OK&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: &amp;quot;I'm leaving at 2PM so you'll need to move it before then&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oops, I just over-explained. Instead of OK, you say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;Got it, I'll move my car before you need to leave at 2&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I now know you understood your action item (and deadline) and there's no need for me to clarify. Once you do that a few times I have confidence that if I say something with an implicit action item for you, you'll get it and we can lapse into a more concise communication style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are may also be other issues of social expectation at play here. Are you by chance from a different culture than the people you're talking about? People from the East Coast of the US tend to be more abrupt (what do you want?). People on the west coast more round-about (Is there any food or beverage I can get you?). People communicating across cultures tend to over-explain in order to get confirmation that they've been understood (and for the gender differences read the fabulous article &amp;quot;Men Explain things to me&amp;quot;). I know that when traveling in India my understanding of what was implicit was wildly inaccurate. I got to the point where I needed explicit confirmation before I was confident that we'd communicated. The people there could have prevented mutually frustrating repetition by telling me their understanding of the implications of our conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10357" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T01:24:55.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19235" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19367" CreationDate="2018-10-11T06:17:25.367" Score="8" ViewCount="1293" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a French woman with &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism_spectrum&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;ASD&lt;/a&gt;, I often find myself struggling to know if I should do &quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheek_kissing&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;em&gt;la bise&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&quot; (cheek-kiss) in greeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, I don't like to do &quot;&lt;em&gt;la bise&lt;/em&gt;&quot; for various reasons--one of them being that I don't like being that close to or touching a stranger. As such, I would rather not do it when it's not necessary. This may lead other people to think that I'm not really social but as long as they don't think I'm outright rude, it's fine with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had some past experience where I was in a situation where I should have given &quot;&lt;em&gt;la bise&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and didn't and the other person took it very badly. It was a friend of my mom visiting at home and I didn't properly greet her. So, now I try to force myself to do &quot;&lt;em&gt;la bise&lt;/em&gt;&quot; whenever some friend of my mother comes home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know there is a lot of gray area concerning when someone should give &quot;&lt;em&gt;la bise&lt;/em&gt;&quot; or not but I was hoping I could find some kind of formal guideline so that I won't have to do &quot;&lt;em&gt;la bise&lt;/em&gt;&quot; when it's not really necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that &quot;not really necessary&quot; is primarily opinion-based, so I will be the judge of that. But knowing that &quot;in this situation, people strongly expect other to do '&lt;em&gt;la bise&lt;/em&gt;'&quot; or &quot;in this situation, people tend to do '&lt;em&gt;la bise&lt;/em&gt;' half of the time&quot; would be nice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What's the etiquette concerning &quot;&lt;em&gt;la bise&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and when should one do it?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I accepted an answer. Nonetheless, I would still be glad for any answer who might complete what was already been said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T15:06:53.407" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T15:08:36.327" Title="When should one do &quot;la bise&quot; in France?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19236" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-11T06:42:00.697" Score="15" ViewCount="3444" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work in a technical role in an international environment, and have (and prefer) a very direct communication style. If you want my help, the best way to get it is to simply state your problem, where you encountered it, and what you want me to do about it (if it's non-obvious). If I need more information than that (typically not), I'll ask for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my non-technical co-workers, whose job is customer-facing (part of our support team)... doesn't communicate this way. Her job occasionally requires her to ask me about an issue she's having, to see if I can't fix it on the spot. This is not a problem, it's part of my job to help her out when this kind of stuff comes up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, the &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; she asks for help - she'll state the problem upfront (after which point I have enough information to get started) and then just &lt;em&gt;keep going&lt;/em&gt;, providing a whole bunch of context that would potentially be useful in her job but is utterly irrelevant to the task at hand. To make things worse, she will often repeat the irrelevant stuff a few minutes later, breaking my concentration in the process. By about the third repetition I'm usually rather annoyed, and if it's late in the day I typically have to restrain myself from quite rudely telling her to just shut up so I can fix it and go home already.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although this is only an occasional issue, I'm looking for ways to communicate to her that I have the information I need to fix the problem at hand, and that I don't need her to repeat herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Additional Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am Canadian&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is Italian&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We both work for a company in the Netherlands&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22481" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T09:41:10.420" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T19:02:34.497" Title="How to communicate with a coworker who repeats meaningless context?" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;cross-culture&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-10-11T21:27:11.080" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19235" CreationDate="2018-10-11T06:44:39.887" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Context for people of IP : French male here, usually in France you do &quot; la bise &quot; in family circle ( females and males ) and close female members in the workplace. In the south of France it's more common to do la bise even from a male stranger to another.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have the same problem doing la bise, in the workplace for example, I prefer shake hands of my female coworkers as I do it for my male coworkers for, from my point of view, in the interest of equity. In a less important way, doing la bise in a party to female strangers too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Personally I resolved this problem by simply saying : &quot; I would rather shake hands for equity purpose &quot; or I say &quot; bonjour &quot; with a slight bow of the head, keeping my distance, showing I'm not interested to do a bigger move.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first option, most of the people understand very easily. If they feel offended ( mostly female strangers or female coworkers I meet for the first time ) I consider it's more their problem than mine because I consider you don't have to force someone to do something making you uncomfortable. And I don't get why they feel offended, a handshake or a cordial &quot; bonjour &quot; is not that terrible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22482" LastEditorUserId="22482" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T06:58:22.113" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T06:58:22.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19235" CreationDate="2018-10-11T07:05:35.713" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As @Papapouiki said, it depends on the region of France.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In Lyon, you usually do &quot;la bise&quot; to friends and family level. What I means by level is that if a new person is introduced to you by a someone and you can draw a &quot;friend / family&quot; link between the new person, then you &quot;should&quot; do &quot;la bise&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for example, you do &quot;la bise&quot; to a friend of friend. Same for a family member of a friend. But not for a co-worker of friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also want to add something : when I was teenager, I wanted to do &quot;la bise&quot; to a co-worker of my mum. She didn't want to for some reason. As I was approaching, she firmly offer me her hand. I was a bit surprised at first, but now I think it was completely appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the thing here is not to let things go awkward. When you meet someone new and you don't really know what to do, go ahead and offer her/him a hand. They might be surprised, but they will accept &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; choice. If you let them choose first, &lt;strong&gt;and then&lt;/strong&gt; specify that you would prefer a handshake, here comes the awkwardness and confusion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, just an exception in my opinion : I don't think it's a good idea to greet with either &quot;la bise&quot; or a handshake when it's for someone physically weak. It can be elders or sick person, or even kids. Just greets them without approaching them physically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17897" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T07:05:35.713" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19244" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-11T08:15:44.390" Score="20" Body="&lt;p&gt;One possibility you might like to consider is that they feel the need to add further explanation because your body language doesn't tell them that you have already understood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm heading out shortly and your car is blocking the drive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;then what happens next will depend on how you react, or are perceived to react. If you explicitly respond &quot;OK, I'll move it&quot; they're likely to say &quot;Thanks&quot;. If they add &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You'll need to move it out onto the road. If you don't I can't get my&#xA;  car out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;this suggests to me that the signal you sent back after their first statement was that you hadn't got the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without knowing you and seeing your body language I can't possibly tell if I'm on the right lines here: but give it a thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1660" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T08:15:44.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19246" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19236" CreationDate="2018-10-11T09:28:38.157" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;I work in IT and this type of situation happens a lot here in France. In general, the basic thing to do when you have enough info is to tell the other person that she can go and continue her work and that you will tell her when it is fixed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example (Thanks Vlad274 for the formulation): &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think I have all the info I need. I will reach out to you if I need anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is a good way to handle it. The person understands that you acknowledged the problem and the situation. Plus they know you will contact them when it is handled. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22448" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T19:02:34.497" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T19:02:34.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19248" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-11T09:54:29.720" Score="21" ViewCount="7623" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is kind of a follow up to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/19130/how-to-decline-additional-help-when-friend-wont-take-no-for-an-answer&quot;&gt;How to decline additional help when friend won&amp;#39;t take no for an answer&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend has a business idea that he wants me to build an app for. I'm still deciding my level of involvement. I am ok doing a little work for free for the experience but my friend isn't technical and some of the stuff he wants done he doesn't realize how time consuming and complex it would be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has mentioned he could pay me for some of the work. If this could pay like a regular job, that would change things. But I'm not sure if he has the money or is just dreaming (as in, it &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; be a good idea, but not actually pursuing it). I'm not expert on start ups, but don't you normally need investors to put in money? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask my friend how I would know he could pay me? (note, I carefully chose the word &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; and not &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt;) He doesn't drive a new fancy car or anything, but maybe he does have money set aside for this. How can I find out? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22391" LastEditorUserId="11289" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T14:25:15.757" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T17:31:01.020" Title="How can I initiate a talk of money with my friend about his business idea?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19248" CreationDate="2018-10-11T10:18:29.307" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would be frank with him; have a one-on-one and let him know that you can do some smaller work for him to help him out, or do larger tasks that will take a lot of time and effort to complete, but will cost. Then have a discussion about the his/the company's finances and negotiate pay that you both feel is fair. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things you need to consider is that a non-funded start-up generally has very little money aside from his personal investments, so it is important that you both figure out if he can afford your services, and if you have the time to work for him, assuming you already have a job. This will affect both the quality and time in which you can deliver a working product, and he needs to be aware of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine was in a similiar situation, but ultimately decided (after having a long discussion about the other friend's vision, finances, strategy, market research etc) that he could not provide a product within a reasonable time-frame for the amount of money that he would have been paid (very little compared to his full-time job). He did not want to work nights and weekends for a meager sum, and he also did not feel that the risk of joining a start-up was worth it given the fact that the owner was mostly winging it, strategy and planning-wise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T10:18:29.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-11T12:30:20.430" Score="21" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most answers here discuss the first example but not so much the other examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Telling me I need to click &amp;quot;send&amp;quot; after writing an email.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Telling me that the kettle will need water in it before I can boil it.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;The printer needs switching on first before trying to print.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which rather seem to indicate an assumed lack of knowledge on your part which, it seems, isn't really there. People seem to think you don't know these things, but you actually do. The straight-forward way would be to politely point out that you already knew that. Something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks. I already knew that you have to click &amp;quot;send&amp;quot; after writing an email.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks. No need to tell me that a kettle needs water in it before it can boil. I've done it before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks. But I already know that the printer needs switching on first before trying to print.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular, if a colleague genuinely asked you &amp;quot;You know the printer needs switching on first before you try to print that?&amp;quot;, in case you really knew that I would simply answer with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, I know that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And, in case you didn't or had forgotten about it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks. I didn't know that. [or] Thanks. I had forgotten about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should pay special attention on not coming off as arrogant. But it's still very important to let others know what you know and what not. The key is friendliness. You could for example add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks. It's very kind of you, but that wasn't the problem, I know that ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the specific situation, you might want to give some more details to make sure that people understand that you got it. Stating that you knew that already is kind of a rebuff but with a polite and possible light-hearted tone it will signal that next time people can expect that you already got it. If this is not enough, you could gradually become a bit more impatient.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While in the cases of people contributing really useful observations in the future, I would explicitly express my gratitude (&amp;quot;Thanks a lot, I didn't know that. That was really helpful.&amp;quot;). That way they learn the true boundaries of your knowledge and that will help you very much in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you know the people well enough you can even use irony and even a slight sarcasm in a light-hearted way like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really? Kettles do not produce boiling water out of thin air? [Smile]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to make sure, that the conversations stays friendly, e.g. by smiling. It usually does the trick for me close to 100% of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1755" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T07:33:25.840" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19257" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19248" CreationDate="2018-10-11T12:59:31.633" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Decide what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want for it, tell him that.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, he has an idea he thinks is worth the effort, time and money, great! But you're not him. Your priorities aren't the same. You might have some doubts about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It all really doesn't matter and it's very simple: Decide for yourself how much time you think this'll cost, what your hard limits are and what the minimum is you're willing to do it for. This could be fixed payment for fixed hour, a percentage of income, a combination, or something completely different (maybe he can do something you want?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you've done that, you are ready to get into the conversation, the chances you get caught of guard are now smaller. I suggest you start with explaining that, while you are a friend and want to support him, you have to also think about yourself/your own time/money. That way you seperate feelings from facts, which is always a good thing to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to ask wether he can pay it. You just have to explain that there is a minimum that is required (or a maximum of work you can do for free) in order for you to not get into trouble yourself and then you can bring of one or several options you're willing to do it for. Then it's up to him wether or not the other person thinks it's worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T07:39:53.750" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19258" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19248" CreationDate="2018-10-11T14:32:16.993" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just Googled for &lt;code&gt;average cost of developing an app&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://savvyapps.com/blog/how-much-does-app-cost-massive-review-pricing-budget-considerations&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this page&lt;/a&gt; said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Apps built by the largest app companies, the &quot;big boys&quot;, likely cost&#xA;  anywhere between $500,000 to $1,000,000. Apps built by agencies like&#xA;  Savvy Apps cost anywhere between $150,000 to $450,000. Apps built by&#xA;  smaller shops, possibly with only 2-3 people, likely cost anywhere&#xA;  between $50,000 to $100,000.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That was dated 4 Feb 2015, so prices have probably risen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have known a bunch of people who were sure that they had a sure-fire idea that would make them a million.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not a one would have been willing to invest the lowest sum mentioned, $50k, even if they had it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I enjoy developing software, and would be doing it as a hobby anyway, I have twice agreed to do all of the development, while “idea guy” did all of the marketing. Note that I &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; dealt with people in an industry with a client base in that industry, who could reasonably be expected to bring in sales.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since neither of us knew at that point how or if it would work out we agreed on a 50-50 split. If you will need a marketing guy later, &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;do not&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; short change them – give them an equal share. Probably best to find one now, to see if the idea is even feasible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won’t get into the inevitable delays, overruns, ideas for “minor, but must-have” features that took months to implement. Suffice it to say that no friend of mine could have afforded to pay my charge out rate for the time I put in, so a percentage seemed the only possibility. YMMV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be aware that some people have extremely vague postcard pitch ideas (“like Facebook, but better”) and think that that is all that is required of them and you will make them a millionaire in return for a few $100. Don't bother trying to persuade them; just make your excuses and wish them good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See also &lt;a href=&quot;https://freelancing.stackexchange.com/&quot;&gt;https://freelancing.stackexchange.com/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[Update] To actually address the question: I have had more opportunities than those, but decided not to pursue them. The most important thing for me was the personal aspect - whether I thought that I could do business with the stranger with the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What your friend should beware of is that during the development phase, he has the upper hand and can call most of the shots. for me, that translates to me taking the technical decisions, but explaining them to my partner. Similarly, when he makes the inevitable requests for new features, he has to explain the business case to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the software is ready, the balance of power shifts, then the final marketing decisions are all in the other guy's hands. I have taken care to choose partners who will consult me and listen to my input, but ultimately, I have to trust that they are the expert. Which is why it is so important to choose the right partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure if that is cynical, or rational, but it's my view and YMMV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To finally answer, once we knew that we would have such a relationship, there was no problem being straightforward. I explained that I would be investing what would be the equivalent of 6 figures of my time, evenings and weekends for months, in one case years. And, as sure as people are that their ideas are sure-fire winners, there was no guarantee of success.  It might make us rich, or it might tank, so how about an even split? In both cases where I went forward, my partners agreed. In at least one case where the other person held the view that &quot;it's only a little bit of software&quot;, I wished him the best and told him that I hoped that he would would find someone who would do the work at the split that he envisaged and we parted company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4957" LastEditorUserId="22717" LastEditDate="2018-10-25T17:31:01.020" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T17:31:01.020" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19259" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19248" CreationDate="2018-10-11T14:36:07.717" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL/DR: Don't ask.  You'll find out naturally by having a business discussion.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been in this situation many times, .com, real estate, apps, etc.  this isn't that difficult of a situation to deal with.  The most important part is to decide what you can do as a friend and what you can do as a business partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a friend, you can talk all you want.  Talk about his idea, how to implement, challenges he will face, whatever.  Talk and advice are cheap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, any sort of actual work or material contribution should be addressed as purely business.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I ask my friend how I would know he could pay me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a business transaction, just be direct.  You don't have to ask about monetary pay specifically.  Instead, you can open the negotiation by asking what kind of terms he's willing to consider.  This is to get him thinking that you don't come free.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, he might offer something other than money, equity for example, or some kind of in-kind trade.  At this point, it's up to you to decide if that's satisfactory and make a counter offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really just want cash, make that clear in the beginning.  If he agrees to cash, then you mutually agree to a reasonable deliverable with an upfront payment.  That's when you know if he actually has the cash or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he doesn't follow through first by not paying, let it go and continue your friendship.  Eventually, it'll be a funny story.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21180" LastEditorUserId="21180" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T15:33:50.953" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T15:33:50.953" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19235" CreationDate="2018-10-11T14:47:19.423" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If I extract this question from your comment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;To be clear, I want to know when I should definitively do &quot;la bise&quot;, not how to avoid it at all cost.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer would be &quot;Never&quot;. There is no occasion where you should definitely do &quot;la bise&quot;. You can never control how the others will react, so let's focus on YOUR feelings instead, and if doing &quot;la bise&quot; makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't be forced to do it. There is no courtesy involved in doing it or not, it's not a sign of respect of any kind (like bowing in Japanese culture for example), so if anybody is getting angry for you not doing it it's entirely up to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the context I'm in Belgium so the situation is a bit different (very common for 2 male friends to do it) but still very similar to France.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11770" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T14:47:19.423" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19236" CreationDate="2018-10-11T14:57:36.043" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel your pain.  There are two primary ways I use and have seen others use that are usually effective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take control of the conversation.&lt;/strong&gt;  Once the problem is stated, immediately take control by asking specific questions that should require short specific answers.  Ask several of these until you're satisfied and the other person feels like they've communicated something useful.  It's usually OK, to gently cut them off with interjections like &quot;Wait, let's go back&quot; or &quot;One more thing about...&quot;  You could even ask a pointless question to not let them ramble. :)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Use a physical distraction.&lt;/strong&gt;  Headphones.  Once you're satisfied, just say &quot;I'm on it&quot; and put headphones on.  The phone.  Say &quot;I need to check one thing with whoever&quot; and reach for the phone.  If they hang around, say &quot;I don't want to take more of your time.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bonus:  If they're really don't take the hints.  Get up and walk back toward their desk while you talk about the problem.  Then leave them there, even heading away opposite your desk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21180" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T18:42:32.220" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T18:42:32.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-11T15:09:15.920" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can relate: this can be super annoying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far the answers assume that everybody is on the up-and-up. However, this might be how the new kid gets treated: 'let's find out if they can take the heat, shall we?' The water heater example makes it sound likely that they aren't only being helpful. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you get the vibe that they're really messing with you, a humorous response - or 'duh' - or something - is probably the way to go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[trying to add 'expertise']&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the Netherlands, at sailing camps, the new kid - literally a kid of about 12 - will get the assignment to go find something non-existent. Like a waterproof strainer. The way you know it's a fool's errand, is because it's something that does not make sense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is more extreme than what the OP is asking. However, I do think that because it's clear how a water heater works, there is no reason to think this is absolutely serious. Similar to how the waterproof strainer just doesn't exist. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems to me that this is about culture. And finding out how to deal with it is about observation and hit and miss. But if something doesn't make sense, don't take it seriously seems a good rule of thumb to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have practical experience in dealing with this in any other way than by simply looking offended and ignoring stupid comments. But that is just me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4855" LastEditorUserId="4855" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T07:52:03.250" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T07:52:03.250" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19263" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19235" CreationDate="2018-10-11T15:09:53.377" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;A lot of thing regarding &quot;la bise&quot; depends of the region but some may be the same everywhere. If it's not the case, just know that I'm from Alsace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thing that I know: it is not expected and may even seem weird as a male-male greeting. Not sure if it's specific to Alsace but here, I've only witnessed two men doing &quot;la bise&quot; in a father-son situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here I come to a point : &lt;strong&gt;You are expected do &quot;la bise&quot; to your family.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm pretty sure it's the same in all the country, but as far as I know, you should do &quot;la bise&quot; to your family, even if it's someone you don't know (I was forced to do it to a aunt I've never met before and never met again since then).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can do &quot;la bise&quot; to your friends.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, in my friend circle we don't do that. Probably because I'm the only female and not used to do it. But I had once a friend that was greeting me every morning with &quot;la bise&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can also do &quot;la bise&quot; with people you work or study.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There again it depends of them. Some are willingly doing it, other are just greeting you without even a handshake. Through my life I had every situation: some people doing &quot;la bise&quot;, others giving handshake, others only giving verbal greeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A hint that can tell you if you are expected to do &quot;la bise&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It happens here frequently, people are moving closer to you and moves their head toward you to begin the movement for &quot;la bise&quot;. If that happens, give your cheek and don't forget the little &quot;smack&quot; noise, some people aren't confortable if you don't make this noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't do &quot;la bise&quot; but was expected to do it&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't worry, just explain yourself, saying you don't do frequently &quot;la bise&quot; to people isn't a big deal. Just apologies and say, if you're not against it, that next time you'll do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, people that are expecting it may find it weird for you to don't do it (my SO's mother was very shocked the first time I encountered her and told her that I don't do &quot;la bise&quot;) but they accept and some may even remember that it's not your cup of tea and ask you if you do it or not next time you meet them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;One last thing, if you're at a party or some gathering of people knowing each other&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be pretty obvious, but if you see everyone else greeting each other with &quot;la bise&quot;, you are expected to do the same, even if you don't know anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22495" LastEditorUserId="22495" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T15:16:30.723" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T15:16:30.723" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19236" CreationDate="2018-10-11T15:49:26.283" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way I usually handle this kind of situation is saying :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think I have all the information I need, I'll need to do some&#xA;  tinkering and dig a bit to find a solution to this issue, i'll reach&#xA;  out to you in XX minuts/hours/days to update you on this topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way the person knows when they are going to be contacted, and they'll let you work during this time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2843" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T15:49:26.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19236" CreationDate="2018-10-11T16:09:07.420" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've struggled with this too, and I'll echo Johns-305's suggestion of &lt;strong&gt;taking control of the conversation&lt;/strong&gt;, but with a different approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your coworker is a non-technical person she is probably acutely aware that these problems are outside her ability to assess, and that she &lt;em&gt;doesn't know what she doesn't know&lt;/em&gt;. She can't evaluate what information is relevant or useful, and she may be trying to ensure that you have all the information you need anyways. So you get everything she thinks might be related to make sure that nothing meaningful is left out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I've found helpful in situations like these is to define what the operational question is for the other person, and once they acknowledge my summary as correct, maintaining that definition. So if your coworker explains the issue to you and you feel you have enough context to understand the problem, &lt;strong&gt;restate the problem succinctly&lt;/strong&gt; and then enforce that future comments/additions (from both of you) &lt;strong&gt;stay on topic&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ah, so it seems like your problem is X, and you need Y to happen. Does that describe your issue accurately?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you've summarized her problem and your coworker starts adding more context again, you can simply respond by pointing out that that additional context does not relate to the actual problem (as a non-expert, she likely does not know).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Coworker: I see [sign of problem X] as soon as I start my computer. It also impacts my tasks Y, Z, and ZZ, and […]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: That sounds frustrating, but I think we're veering off topic. I think have enough information for figuring out X. Give me a moment, I'll let you know if it turns out I need to know more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is that you are patiently, clearly emphasizing the specific issue, that you do not require any further information about the issue (and so any more additions from your coworker are neither necessary nor helpful), and that you are working on resolving the issue (you're quiet because you're working, not because you're waiting for more input).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your coworker may still interrupt your work (some people are uncomfortable with silence), but at that point the problem is more that she is interrupting you at all than that she's giving you information which is irrelevant to the problem (would the effect be different if she started in with some small talk, for example?). When the issue is that you are being interrupted, you can deploy something a bit more direct:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but I'm trying to focus on resolving your issue and I get distracted pretty easily by conversation. I'll let you know if I end up needing any more information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T16:09:07.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19268" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="1804" CreationDate="2018-10-11T18:03:51.203" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many people compare themselves with others by asking the salary question. If our salary is less than theirs then they become happy or if it is more then they become sad. This comparison does not become always healthy. So, here we can reply them with happy manner, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not much ! but usually I don't need to look at the right side of the menu while ordering&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explanation - Many people are not comfortable to give the answer of this question irrespective of their high or low package. Blunt or straight forward reaction of your real mind set at that time is also not healthy for the scenario. This answer I find suitable when there is no any urgent need of exact salary figure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T18:03:51.203" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19248" CreationDate="2018-10-11T18:41:15.393" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you (and your friend) have a much more fundamental problem, and that is the &amp;quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?q=ideas+are+a+dime+a+dozen&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;ideas vs execution debate&lt;/a&gt;&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideas are a dime a dozen. People who implement them are priceless. - Mary Kay Ash&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Not everyone holds this view, but it is one that resonates with my experience.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People like your friend tend to think that coming up with the great idea is the &amp;quot;hard part&amp;quot;, and all they need to do is have someone &amp;quot;whip up a simple app real quick&amp;quot;, and the rest will take care of itself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is seldom the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apps need maintenance. They need to have bugs fixed and features added for new versions to keep users interested. They (frequently) need 24x7 back-end servers to manage data and users and security and logins and content and a million other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the new business is successful, they need to scale up quickly and smoothly without going down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I'd make sure that you and your friend are on the same page on this fundamental issue. Is his plan realistic? Are you &amp;quot;on board&amp;quot; with the feasibility of the plan? If so, should you be a (vested) &lt;em&gt;partner&lt;/em&gt; in the plan, and not just a hired coder?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; willing to throw together a 1.0 version of his app for a fixed cost, does he have a business plan for maintaining and improving the app down the road? Or is he going to be bugging you again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like aspects of Catija's answer in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/1159/4090&quot;&gt;this already-linked question&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found that one of the most effective ways to ask if they're paying is to say something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you have in your budget for this part of the project?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Phrasing it this way is a bit more open than &amp;quot;What can you pay me for this work?&amp;quot; You aren't part of the equation here - it's them and their budget. You're asking about their business structure. If they're honestly trying to make a go of it, they'll have a budget and they'll be able to answer what they have budgeted for (if anything).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, does he &lt;em&gt;really have a plan&lt;/em&gt;? Or just a wild-ass dream?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4090" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T18:41:15.393" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19271" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19272" CreationDate="2018-10-11T19:24:55.757" Score="14" ViewCount="6757" Body="&lt;p&gt;In the gym I go to, we don't have personal trainers but gym instructors - they just stay there and guide pretty much everyone if they have doubts or they see someone exercising incorrectly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I know, there are 3 gym instructors. I always go to gym in the afternoon and I always meet the same instructor. He's a very cool dude and I have no personal problem with him, even though he is not actually my friend: I never have contact with him outside the gym.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, he &lt;strong&gt;ALWAYS&lt;/strong&gt; talks to me, from the moment I get there until I leave. I only have about an hour to train and since he is always talking to me, 95% of the time I don't get to finish all the exercises I should.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried some non-direct approaches:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Going with earphones on: didn't work, he still talks to me and practically ignores that I am listening to music.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Giving short answers (trying to show that I am not inclined to talk): he seems not to notice that someone does not want to talk.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to be rude with him because again, he is a nice person and I don't think he does that on purpose. The subjects we talk about are not the problem either (just current events, chit-chat, not gym-related). The only problem is that I want to be able to finish all my exercises.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I express my willingness to be able to finish my workout, should it mean for him to talk less to me&lt;/strong&gt;? I don't want to completely stop talking to him, but not that frequently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The gym instructor and I are both males. I don't think he was romantically interested in me because I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend (as I have seen him leaving holding hands with her). Even if that is not the case, I'm also heterosexual so I think I never gave him the impression I was flirting with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22500" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T01:56:00.867" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T08:33:38.323" Title="How do I prevent the gym instructor from talking to me?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;brazil&gt;&lt;gym&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19271" CreationDate="2018-10-11T19:40:48.763" Score="23" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the way you ask the question, it sounds like you don't have an issue with the person or the conversation, you have an issue that you aren't able to complete your workout.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially when you want someone to change their behavior &lt;em&gt;because of you&lt;/em&gt; rather than &lt;em&gt;because of them&lt;/em&gt; it is best to &lt;strong&gt;emphasize the problem you are having and let them change their behavior to help you&lt;/strong&gt; (this strategy can also work even if they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; at fault in some way to avoid them pushing back).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could come across as rude if you were to say that they are distracting you or preventing you from finishing your sets. However, if you say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have a hard time focusing on my exercise and talking at the same time and I am worried I am not going to finish today, could we chat another time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, he can &lt;em&gt;help you with your workout just by ending the conversation&lt;/em&gt;: rather than feeling bad because he lost a conversation partner, you give him an opportunity to feel good by helping you out (of course he may not feel this way, but that's not up to you: you are definitely not being rude if you are giving that option).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, you are making clear that the conversation itself is not the problem because you are offering to postpone it. By referring to that day in particular, you avoid calling them out on their past habit of conversing with you (which is not really their fault anyways if you haven't made your preference clear yet).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they argue at all (maybe they say you don't have to speak back or something?) you can be more direct, while keeping the focus on yourself. &quot;I know myself too well, even just listening slows me down because I stop to think about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wanted this person to completely avoid talking to you when you are working out, even for a short time when you arrive, you will probably need to be a bit more direct and you are more likely to hurt some feelings, but you can use a similar script: just explain that you will &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; be pressed for time and can't be talking during the limited time you have to exercise. Just as long as the focus is still on &lt;em&gt;your exercise habits&lt;/em&gt; rather than their distraction you are doing the best you can to get what you need without being rude - you can't expect any more from yourself than that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I do not have any direct experience with Brazil or gym culture in Brazil, in the U.S. probably one of the least offensive needs one could assert in a gym is a desire to focus on working out: that is a value that many in that space will share and understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastEditorUserId="3089" LastEditDate="2018-10-11T20:00:25.020" LastActivityDate="2018-10-11T20:00:25.020" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19271" CreationDate="2018-10-11T20:26:52.217" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Remind him of this one exercise rule - &lt;strong&gt;No one should talk while doing any exercise.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First thing is that he is not your personal trainer so there is no need to stand beside you and talk to you for the whole time. (Personal trainers generally get payment according to an hourly basis)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second thing, he is a gym instructor. His job is to give attention to all the members in the gym. All members deserve equal attention from the gym instructor. His behavior affects the gym quality because he is not concerned about how much he should talk to one specific person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have joined the gym for a specific purpose that may be weight loss, or simply to remain fit and fine. His job is to help all members to achieve their health goals. He is not doing that. Rather, he is more interested in talking about various subjects which are irrelevant to exercise. So he is diverting you from your goal (not purposefully). You easily get slowed down or diverted due to his talk. It seems that your &quot;silent&quot; approaches of body language do not make any impact on him. Still, he continues to talk and can't understand your body language.  &lt;strong&gt;He does not seem like a professional trainer.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can use the following options if you have any related health goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suppose your goal is weight loss, then you can talk to him politely,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sir, I am very desperate to lose my 3 kg weight within this month. I have to concentrate on my exercise. I hope you would help me to achieve my target. I can not talk while exercising.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suppose your goal is to remain fit and fine. Then &lt;strong&gt;you can suggest to him that he change his own daily workout time and join you in your workout so that he will not engage in chit-chatting, and can able to do his workout also&lt;/strong&gt;. Or, you can politely tell him,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sir, I've heard from experts that if we talk while doing any exercise, then we don't get good results out of that exercise. So, I want to follow expert guidelines and really want to concentrate on my workout.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then it won't be rude to him. You also said in your question that you don't want to stop talking to him. You can talk with him after finishing your daily workout, and for 5 minutes at the end. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Last but not least, you are paying and taking service from them. So, sometime you need to be straight forward while talking.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user21996" LastEditorUserId="19312" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T01:43:01.593" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T01:43:01.593" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19248" CreationDate="2018-10-12T03:35:34.693" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As with all start ups, it may succeed or fail and your friend doesn't know himself how it will turn out and hence doesn't know how much, when, and if he will be able to pay you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice is to help him build a technical side of his business plan. It is not hard and won't take much of your time. Ask him to describe what he wants to build in detail then use your technical knowledge to explain the production process, estimate time and money needed to build it. Write it all down and make a copy for your friend. Format doesn't matter. Err on the pessimistic side. Then give him a week or so to think it over. If he comes back to you (most give up at this stage), then your can naturally dwell into financial details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13622" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T03:35:34.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19279" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19300" CreationDate="2018-10-12T03:47:09.767" Score="78" ViewCount="27326" Body="&lt;p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Occasionally, I head out to volunteer to teach robotics programming at an all-girls school in my area. For context, I'm male and age 20, and the students are adolescent females in 7th and 8th grade (13-15 year olds).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I head out to teach, most of the students there treat me professionally, with a teacher-student relationship. I usually act &quot;fun&quot; with the students, as if I were another kid with similar interests. However, a few attempt to flirt with me, asking me about my relationship status or complimenting me on my appearance. (The flirting is completely verbal and not physical in any way.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand where they're coming from; they're adolescent teenagers who don't normally see younger males (though the school does have male teachers and staff, but they're much older). For my part, I don't have any &quot;embellishments&quot; or any specific features that would render me &quot;attractive&quot; in my society, but one student has commented that I look &quot;younger&quot; than my age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When one of these students starts to flirt with me, &lt;strong&gt;how can I make it clear that this isn't the right time or place to make such comments or questions and that they should be treating me professionally&lt;/strong&gt;? The director of the program has told us to lie about our relationship status (i.e. to say &quot;I have a girlfriend&quot;) in response to such comments, but I'd prefer not to lie to accomplish my purpose.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; Not a duplicate of &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/18706/how-to-handle-students-in-a-classroom-who-might-have-feelings-for-you&quot;&gt;How to handle students in a classroom who might have feelings for you?&lt;/a&gt;. First of all, the person in question is not only much older, but also the consistent instructor of the class; I, on the other hand, am just a volunteer who goes there on an infrequent basis. Second, the &quot;feelings&quot; in question there are genuine romantic feelings, not just casual flirting. Third, the &quot;students&quot; in question there are grown adults at about my age; the answer may be different for adolescent children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally, the top answer there isn't really a way I wish to handle this situation. I can't &quot;stop flirting with my students&quot; because I am not. Also, I don't wish to say things like &quot;that's not relevant to this discussion&quot; because I'm a volunteer, not a teacher, and the attitude I wish to show to my students is that of a &quot;fun&quot; person who's also knowledgeable; saying direct things like &quot;that's too personal&quot; is too direct for my purpose. The other answer there completely contradicts this as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11936" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2018-10-17T18:12:15.213" LastActivityDate="2021-03-31T15:25:55.120" Title="How do I tell students at a school I volunteer at to stop flirting with me?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;school&gt;&lt;teachers&gt;&lt;flirting&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-12T05:26:13.403" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Warning&lt;/strong&gt;: I never was in a similar situation before. But I had to deal with comment or question that were making me uncomfortable. So, here is what I suggest doing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait for the thing that makes you uncomfortable to happen, this way everyone would know what you are talking about and they won't have to wonder &quot;what exactly is making him uncomfortable?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then state something like that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would you mind stopping this kind of comment? It's making me uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stating that it makes you uncomfortable is important. I, personally, am more likely to follow someone instruction if I know &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; I have to follow them (if I don't, I tend to just do as I please because your rule makes no sense to me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Warning&lt;/em&gt;: Be prepare for your student to push back and ask &quot;why is this making you uncomfortable?&quot; and &quot;you shouldn't be uncomfortable!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, simply remember that this is your &lt;em&gt;feeling&lt;/em&gt; and nobody can argue with feelings. They are here and, even if they are irrational (I don't say they are), you can't control them. (You might want to tell that to your student if they tell you &quot;don't be uncomfortable!&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I usually use this technic with coworkers, understandable people and grown-up stranger. I have no idea how it could turn out with teenagers and as Jamie Clinton noted, this could as well fire back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After you have made your request clear, quickly &lt;em&gt;change subject&lt;/em&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, you might end up in a discussion about your feelings which you don't necessary wants. So, before this (unwanted) conversation start, just say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let's talk about X instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Note&lt;/em&gt;: They might still want to talk about why all this is making you uncomfortable but, in my experience, people are more likely to drop a subject if you give them another one to talk about instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-13T04:30:36.807" LastActivityDate="2018-10-13T04:30:36.807" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19283" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19295" CreationDate="2018-10-12T07:23:19.253" Score="63" ViewCount="21866" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a man in my mid-40's and met some time ago an old friend (woman, mid-40's as well) when travelling (to her city). I traveled there again a few times (every few months) and it is obvious that a (very positive) sexual tension between us is raising.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually have a dinner with her, then we part ways but there is always this untold  sadness that it did not go further (on both sides). Long story short, it is extremely likely that we will end at my hotel over one my next travels.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My problem (and hers as well) is that we are very much grown ups but also very much inexperienced in how to deal with the transition between the dinner table at a restaurant and the bed in the hotel.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to make it as &quot;natural&quot; and non-awkward as possible but I honestly do not know how to handle the transition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear: this is not strictly a dating advice, in the sense that we will be fine during the dinner and (hopefully) fine when in bed - it is really that way in between that is complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also the fact that we both want it to happen is clear for all kind of reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will be in a large city, in Europe, the hotel has a restaurant but we will likely have dinner somewhere downtown.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22510" LastActivityDate="2019-02-22T14:58:03.057" Title="How to reduce the awkwardness on the way to the bedroom?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="11" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="11" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19285" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-12T07:52:26.717" Score="83" Body="&lt;p&gt;From personal experiences, it's always going to be sort of awkward, because very few can act like a suave George Clooney-esque character from a movie, so &lt;strong&gt;just embrace the awkwardness and have fun with it&lt;/strong&gt;. Even in movies they usually cut from the bar lounge to the bedroom. Hell, even living with a significant other for 10+ years and moving from the living room to the bedroom is still awkward in the sense that it's just like &quot;uh let's go to the bedroom&quot;, rather than something from a steamy novel or whatever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You most likely won't be able to make a smooth transition from a restaurant to a hotel room, but it can be made fun by being happy about the situation, giggling, initiating some light intimate contacts etc on your way there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastEditorUserId="17106" LastEditDate="2018-10-16T05:29:47.687" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T05:29:47.687" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8377" CreationDate="2018-10-12T08:08:18.250" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am French, living in France. The country of the morning handshakes, where everyone spends an hour wandering from office to office to shake hands or have the &lt;em&gt;bise&lt;/em&gt; (&lt;a href=&quot;https://francaisdenosregions.com/2016/12/21/la-carte-des-bises/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;one, two, three or four&lt;/a&gt; air kisses between men and women).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I positively hate both of these. There are no particular reasons for that (no religious, germ related or anything else).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So I decided to gradually lower the amount of handshakes by proactively saying hello without shaking hands, or just wave hello.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It worked. People in my office finally accepted this as a fact of life, some of them were making a bit of (good-hearted) fun about that - which paradoxically helped the others to just accept that I do not shake hands all the time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now when they shake hands, they skip me (or not, it depends on the day) and the amount of hand shaking is reduced to almost zero. Same for the bise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1871" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T08:08:18.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19248" CreationDate="2018-10-12T08:59:12.227" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't ask whether he &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; pay you, or even a third party to do the job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just inform him that he'd have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Huh, that's an interesting idea mate. It could be cool. I've gotta tell you, though, that's a lot of work. It's the sort of thing you'd have to pay to get done &amp;mdash; off the top of my head I'm thinking maybe three months full-time to put together a first version. I don't know whether that fits into your business model or not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And away you go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it simple!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the response is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nah, I'm sure it's easier than that. Couldn't I find someone to do it for free??&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then your final statement on the subject is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Lol no mate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;hellip;adding in an amused, wry smile if you fancy it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're the domain expert. This is your advice. Just give it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9314" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T08:59:12.227" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19290" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19292" CreationDate="2018-10-12T10:41:26.480" Score="39" ViewCount="7994" Body="&lt;p&gt;I studied Computer Science and now work full-time as a developer. When I come home from work, I want to spend some time with my husband and the kid until bed time, and then play video games or crochet or puzzle, listening to audio books... I really need this time doing things where I can turn off my brain, as the job (and especially the social interaction coming along with it) is quite exhausting to me and I want to leave work at workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My husband has been unemployed for several years and has spent much time at home with his PC, trying to figure out many things and became tech savvy before we met. After we became a family, he does most of the chores, takes the kid to daycare, cooks (~ male house-wife). He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Anytime something around his PC, our home network, the router or peripheral devices, etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me when I'm not successful. Even when everything works fine, he tells me instead of playing a game, I should program some mods for it or program apps for his personal use or simply work/read/educate myself. He thinks my job is just 'free time' as I often could send him a short message and tell him about my day, and he does the 'real work' - as our toddler is very demanding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently I could chose from wasting my spare time with issues I am not interested in, and fighting with my husband and having a bad conscience for being not as dedicated as he wants me to be. I mostly chose the latter, but I'm tired of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8597" LastEditorUserId="3090" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T17:02:26.277" LastActivityDate="2020-02-08T23:55:04.750" Title="How can I tell my husband I need time for myself without work?" Tags="&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;work-life-balance&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19291" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-12T10:59:50.957" Score="95" Body="&lt;p&gt;The nub of this is that you want to have your cake and eat it. You want to act like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;another kid with similar interests&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;yet not have them respond to you as though you were&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;another kid with similar interests&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your interactions with the students, you set the tone for how they respond to you. If in all other ways you want them to respond to you as though you were just another kid, you set a tone of complete approachability. Their response is an outcome of the tone you set.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some years ago I used to volunteer with a group which took underprivileged urban youngsters away on outdoorsy weekends. Inevitably kids that we took away on these trips 'aged out' of eligibility, but a number of them wanted to continue coming on the trips and volunteered as leaders. What the groups organisers found was that we couldn't really get it to work if they came along as leaders immediately because they were, in the eyes of the kids whose safety we were responsible for 'another kid with similar interest'. That being the case the kids did not respect their authority and weekends became chaotic and more dangerous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution for the group was to require those who aged out to take a full year away from the group before they volunteered as leaders, to help break that chain and set them apart from the kids we were there to look after and help. Approachability is good, complete approachability can lead to blurred boundaries as you have found.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your solution therefore lies in setting a different tone. I'd suggest that the appropriate tone is that of a friendly adult with a specific enthusiasm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quite how you backtrack to that position is difficult for anyone else to advise as we don't know that particulars of how you currently present. What you can do is make sure you don't start with the 'another kid with similar interests' tone with new student groups.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For students you already interact with you need to find ways to set yourself apart, that might involve introducing greater formality into your sessions, whether that is but how you dress, how you speak to the students, how close you allow them to be to you physically... you are best placed to judge that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is also likely to involve a period of awkwardness as the student body notice that you are presenting yourself differently, but in your own interest you should do this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While your students are not grown adults, they likely aren't idiots and the ones who push the nature of your interaction already know that they are being transgressive. They are pushing you and you need to push back, and you need to push back &lt;em&gt;when it happens&lt;/em&gt;. I know you wish to avoid directness, but it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; appropriate to meet directness with directness. if a students asks you such a direct question as 'have you got a girlfriend'or says 'Ooh gparyani you look cute today!' it is &lt;strong&gt;absolutely appropriate&lt;/strong&gt; to reply with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's that got to do with robotics programming?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you choose to say should be clearly &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhetorical_question&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;rhetorical&lt;/a&gt;* and used as a means of closing the line of conversation down, rather than merely deflecting it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say such a thing loud enough for other students to hear, but say it with a smile then it is a gentle but public rebuke which is probably just embarrassing enough for them not to ask again, and discourage others from doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;*meaning that it is a figure of speech in the form of a question that is asked to make a point &lt;em&gt;rather than to elicit an answer&lt;/em&gt;. If the student tries to answer, perhaps explain what a rhetorical question is rather than engaging with responses on personal life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2021-03-31T15:25:55.120" LastActivityDate="2021-03-31T15:25:55.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19292" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19290" CreationDate="2018-10-12T12:22:25.953" Score="38" Body="&lt;p&gt;An important factor in any relationship is mutual appreciation. Not feeling like your partner values you or what you do to try and benefit both of you is extremely disheartening, and in my opinion something that should be restored in your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Restoring appreciation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your husband does not seem to understand that your work is demanding, too. Sure, having a toddler to take care of for the longest part of the day is demanding. But so is having a job.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;You should have a talk with your husband about that. Don't make it a confrontation that might leave him feel attacked, but a &lt;strong&gt;calm discussion&lt;/strong&gt; in which both of you clearly state their point of view.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him that you feel stressed when you come home from eight hours of work (I'm assuming) and need some time to unwind. Just relax and do something to help you shut off your brain. You don't want to come home from work and directly be greeted by more work. (Trust me, I get that...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And also mention that you might know tech stuff, but you don't know &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;all&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; of tech stuff. Just because somebody is an electrical engineer it does not mean they can fix a microwave that stopped working. Say (calmly) that it always stings a little when he mocks you for not being able to fix something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Everybody needs an occasional timeout&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is perfectly fine to ask of your partner to just have some time on your own. Everybody needs that from time to time. This does not mean your relationship is dysfunctional it just means you want to relax and take your mind off things. That is normal and should be respected by partners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Make the discussion about finding a solution &lt;em&gt;together&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your phrasing should always reflect that you do want to find a solution to the current problems and &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; that you are just stating how things should be done in the future. Figure that out together.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;Maybe in an honest and calm discussion you get some more insight on how your husband is seeing things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The result will most likely be a compromise, but it will very likely be better than your current situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22069" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T12:22:25.953" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-12T12:33:37.177" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't think that it is possible to make a completely non-awkward transition from the dinner table to the bedroom if the sole purpose is sex. Of course, you can make it less so, by applying humour and both being able to laugh about the situation. This is something I often do and helped me in general in awkward situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice albeit would be to not only set the goal to sex but set the goal to a cozy evening together, maybe watch a movie you talked about etc. If everything goes well, you understand each other and have fun, lying in bed, most certainly cuddling will automatically lead to intercourse in most cases (if no one is super shy and both don't like taking the first step).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Advice:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my advice would be to rather than for sex, meet up afterwards for an occupation you both like, aka watching a movie, and you will see what happens. This IMHO is way less &quot;awkward&quot; because you can talk about topics like the movie, or other things while no being so nervous as &quot;what should I do next&quot; because during a movie you have loads of time to go step by step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are unsure how to set up the transition you might ask when the dinner is concluding: &quot;As you are also fan of X would you care to watch X together at my room i rented for my stay here? :)&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there is attraction on both sides this is a no brainer :D Actually thats exactly the way i got together with my current girlfriend after a very very extended coffee. In our case it was Harry Potter ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="7301" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T12:37:41.090" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T12:37:41.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-12T12:53:04.300" Score="77" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/19283/how-to-reduce-the-awkwardness-on-the-way-to-the-bedroom/19285#19285&quot;&gt;As @JCJ suggests&lt;/a&gt;, it's unlikely you will eliminate the awkwardness entirely. But one thing you can do is prepare a flimsy reason to invite her to your hotel. For example, &quot;want to get a bottle of wine and drink it in my hotel room?&quot; Most likely, she'll understand what you're really asking, and then the cat will be out of the bag (whether or not either of you acknowledges it verbally). If she accepts the invitation but misses the subtext, that's fine too--you'll have solved the problem of getting to the hotel, and escalation should be easy from there, if she's as interested in you as you say. (Needless to say, you should make sure she's comfortable at every stage of the process, and if she's not, de-escalate things politely.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16341" LastEditorUserId="4202" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T00:04:46.807" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T00:04:46.807" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19296" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19310" CreationDate="2018-10-12T13:56:36.153" Score="9" ViewCount="5851" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is this girl that I really like. Recently we have been hanging out together with some of my friends. She said she liked it and wanted to come the next time too. She also wants to come to other events that I am going to. The last month we have also been chatting a lot so I think she likes me, but I don't know for sure because she has been talking a lot about her last relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her last relationship was her first relationship, and the other person brutally broke her heart by cheating before the first month of their relationship was over. She says she is so happy it's over but talks about it a lot. More then you would expect from someone who had their heart broken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to ask her directly because we have a few classes together, and we have to travel together. If I ask her and she says no, I think the next times we spend time together would be very awkward and clumsy to talk to each other, and that she doesn't want to hang out anymore or do things together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So how can I tactfully ask this girl if she is ready for a new relationship without messing up the connection we have.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I really want to ask her out but I don't know if she is ready for it. If possible I also would like some tips to check if I am only her talking buddy and nothing more, or someone to just hang out with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22519" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T18:19:12.767" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T21:05:05.017" Title="How can I tactfully ask this girl if she is ready for a new relationship?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19290" CreationDate="2018-10-12T14:26:54.543" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recognizing that different cultures have different norms I'm going to be brave and say I recognize &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; jealousy here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say brave because the problem with mentoring is our answers are only as good as your description of the problem. I am also making some assumptions here. I'm assuming he doesn't contribute to income(not an issue in itself as he does the home making). Im assuming you own/rent a home together and live together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is an example you give in your back-story that stands out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Any time something around his pc, our home network, the router or peripheral devices etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me, when I'm not able to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this started around the time you graduated and or landed your new job that might indicate some jealousy on his part. The mocking part might just be his way of leveling the field a little&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Yes you have your degree but your not that much better than me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A simple response to this might be &quot;&lt;em&gt;Well your the one asking me! You broke it!&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You haven't indicated what he did before he became unemployed or why, What his aspirations were/are, What his education/experience is and what he has done about it in response so it is difficult to relate and offer up past experience where possible. Finding out what he plans to do in order to contribute when the little one starts school will be a good measure of his mind set.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your direct question &quot;&lt;em&gt;How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; could be rephrased slightly and instead answer the question &quot;&lt;em&gt;How can I find a way to relax that agrees with both of our requirements.&lt;/em&gt;&quot; This is going to be a team effort and will need buy-in from both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for how to talk to him, A quick fix that worked for me was to stick some wellies on the little one and take down-time outside and away from any distractions. A walk or kick around worked quite well. This should help give time to workout what to do at home, if nothing it helps lubricate conversation a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will only work if your husband is not glued to his pc and reluctant to have any time away from it. You have not said what he does with it. Is he studying? Is he researching? Does he freelance? Does he contribute to the households cash flow in any way? Does he intend to soon and he's building his way there?. If he is simply &quot;Fiddling&quot; you could recognize that too him but also understand that might be his way of unwinding too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being a parent is hard work, You mention daycare and I am assuming this is stay and play where he stays with little one with out much chance for a break. One question to ask would be what he intends to do when the little one starts full time school? As this will significantly shift the pressure onto you, And most likely cause resentment on your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some suggestion's then to start with might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Decide and work out if he is at all jealous in any way. &lt;em&gt;What he is jealous of and how that manifests might be two different things.&lt;/em&gt; This is best done with indirect questions, perhaps even a story. If you suspect he is jealous of your degree then a story of how a friend you studied with that dropped out of uni has just landed a job as a junior programmer and is doing well, might just illicit a response. See what his response is and go from there. Obviously keep it factual and relate-able. How you deal with where to go next is another Question all together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What does he do on his pc that requires so much attention from you? Could your intervention to fix something not wait a day or two while you have a &quot;Date Night&quot; or &quot;Quiet Night&quot;. If he has the technical knowledge but would rather see the 'Qualified' one do it in order to 'Justify' or 'Prove' your time at uni then that again is a whole other Question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find some common but neutral interests if you want to unwind together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If all else fails the blunt approach usually works, a good fall out usually clears the air in my experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22460" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T16:25:27.523" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T16:25:27.523" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19298" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-12T14:53:31.797" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;When the bill comes at dinner, tell her that you've had a lovely time spending the evening with her, that you wish the conversation didn't have end, and that also, you would be overjoyed to be privileged enough to continue to spend time with her the remainder of the night. If she is on the same page, she may suggest that the night need not end now. Then you offer to share a cab back to your hotel room so that you can keep the conversation going. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Making a reference to coffee is unwise and unneeded at this point as it directly implies sex; you should allow things to go that direction naturally as opposed to forcing the issue. In my opinion, women generally do not appreciate the assumption that sex is expected, even if they are attracted to you; and to be clear &lt;em&gt;you should &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; be expecting anything&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next part of the transition need not be overly awkward, but rather a part of foreplay. That is to say, on the taxi ride to the hotel, if she consents, try kissing her. Start on the lips, then slowly move up and down her neck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you could try, would be to, if she consents, hold her hand; however, this might be a bit trickier. Some people will not feel comfortable with this if they don't see the possibility of a long-term romantic relationship. But this approach might be more acceptable to you if you are not comfortable with PDA. Another variation of this would be to gently rub the fingers of your spare hand up and down her arm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Light affection such as the above, will not only reduce awkwardness, but also may make the overall encounter much more enjoyable for her as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have fun, just make sure you are both on the same page! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="533" LastEditorUserId="533" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T22:07:05.843" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T22:07:05.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-12T15:26:45.783" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;By way of disclaimer, I should say first of all that if the school has a code of conduct or similar that tells you how to deal with this situation, you should absolutely follow that ahead of any advice you receive here. Secondly, I would advise you to make sure that your superiors are aware of both the problem you are facing &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; of any strategy you propose to try. That way if it backfires or is misinterpreted you have some backup.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While your youth can certainly be used to an advantage in teaching, it just isn't possible to be an authority figure &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; someone's friend, although you can certainly be &lt;em&gt;friendly&lt;/em&gt; and approachable. In England nearly all the cases I have read about where teachers have been accused of impropriety of some kind it has been described as an &quot;abuse of authority&quot;, so remember that you should behave like a teacher, and a teacher is an authority figure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best and safest approach is to state with all seriousness that &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; behaviour is inappropriate, and that it should stop. If you try to soften the impact of that statement in any way, perhaps by saying &quot;it would be inappropriate &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt;.....&quot; then this could be misinterpreted by a teenager as really meaning &quot;oh, if only I wasn't your teacher, then I would&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just a short anecdote from personal experience which may be relevant - when I was at school 27 years ago there was a young female teacher, all the boys fancied her, and on a couple of occasions, she allowed some inappropriate things to be said and left them unchallenged. She even laughed about them. Oddly, I visited the school last week because my daughter is now high school age, and I learned two things - firstly that this same teacher has been the deputy head for the past 27 years and &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; retired; and secondly that the school has suffered from a bad reputation for about the same length of time. A new headteacher has just come in, got rid of a lot of old teachers (some by early retirement) and is trying to turn the school's reputation around. Now, I'm not saying that old teacher of mine is solely to blame for the school's troubles, but it is interesting that a teacher who failed to be an authority figure in the classroom has been in the second highest position in the school during its decline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T15:26:45.783" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19300" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-12T15:27:30.703" Score="108" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Given the constraints you've laid out in your question, you can't.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to be seen (roughly) as a peer to these students, but also want them to treat you as a professional that is off-limits for any non-professional activities. You want to clearly lay out a broad class of behaviors you would like the students to cease, but don't want to be direct in expressing those. You don't want to deflect the issue by lying, either. That doesn't leave many options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think that there is any way to accomplish all of your goals at once, and so you'll have to pick which one (or ones) to bend on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The flirting you describe explicitly is extremely mild, and while I'm not second-guessing your assessment of your situation I will say that those sorts of questions can definitely be ordinary, non-flirtatious conversation. Those are the sorts of things that young teenagers tend to focus on, a lot, and so all else being equal you're simply more likely to have conversations about that than about national trade policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background informing my answer:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see three large issues at play here: the age and stage-of-life of the students, the nature of flirting, and the way you want to present yourself to this group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1. Age and stage-of-life of the students&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My recollection of young teenagers, particularly girls (and this is very much in the rearview mirror for me at this point, so it may not apply as well as it once did) is that that is the age when they start to &lt;em&gt;practice flirting&lt;/em&gt;. They may flirt with anyone, including someone in whom they don't have much genuine interest, because they are experimenting with a new mode of interaction which offers new possibilities. It also feels like part of not being a child any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I say all of this to point out that, while you are probably not &lt;em&gt;irrelevant&lt;/em&gt; in this situation, it may not be as centered on you as you imagine. If they are looking to &lt;em&gt;flirt&lt;/em&gt; more so than to flirt &lt;em&gt;with you specifically&lt;/em&gt;, then they are less likely to care what you think about it. The more the behavior is a part of the girls' internal motivations, the more the issue resembles a student with some other arbitrary, undesirable behavior, like being disruptive during class or gossiping. If that's how they want to express themselves, and you just happen to be a target when you're there, you'll have a hard time modifying that. Especially indirectly. This also can make the strategy of trying to appear less appealing to flirt with complicated-- it may just not matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. Flirting&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Flirting is about pushing limits and suggesting a bit more than is explicitly stated. If you were to be direct about not wanting to be flirted with, for example, I would bet that you would &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; see some flirtatious behavior from at least some of the students. Maybe less often, maybe more subtle. But establishing limits of expected behavior also sets the terms for what counts as flirtatious, and establishes the boundaries for a flirt to push.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using your explicit examples, the behavior you describe as flirting is both extremely mild and easily masquerades as an innocent question. The latter is what makes it flirtatious (rather than forward) and also makes it hard to call out directly (it's easy to imagine a response to a call-out being &amp;quot;I wasn't flirting with you, I was just making conversation!&amp;quot;). Trying to discourage it indirectly can easily just be seen as you coyly flirting back, in which case a determined flirt might just redouble her efforts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3. Your chosen affect&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your explicit goal in how you approach these students is to seem like a peer. Peers are the acceptable group for these students to flirt with. School is where they do the most interacting with their peers, so for them it is the appropriate place to do things like flirt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a little bit like asking &amp;quot;when I walk down a dangerous alley, how can I appear rich without increasing my risk of getting mugged?&amp;quot;. If you really want the one, you're at risk of dealing with the other. I'm not saying that that's &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;fair&lt;/em&gt;, but the more you present yourself as a peer, the more they'll see you as a peer, and the more they'll treat you like a peer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T06:03:47.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19290" CreationDate="2018-10-12T16:23:07.930" Score="17" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can 100% relate to the situation you've described. I'm also a programmer, work crazy long hours, and have a wife who wants to spend every waking minute that I'm not at work together. I love her to death and I want to spend time with her, but I'm also very introverted and require &quot;downtime&quot;, meaning time spent alone and not working, in order to recharge and satisfy my mental health needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the beginning of our marriage, this issue caused us a lot of tension. When I tried asking her for some space, she would take it as a personal attack against her. While I in no way intended this, I can see how she felt that way. She was probably thinking something to the extent of &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;he spends so much time at work, then when he comes home he still&#xA;  doesn't want to spend time with me. What am I doing wrong?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually, once I began to understand why she was so upset, I tried to explain to her &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; I needed some downtime instead of simply stating &lt;strong&gt;that&lt;/strong&gt; I need it. Even though she still couldn't empathize with my feelings, she began to understand them better and things began to improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although you don't directly allude to this in your question, I think it's important to highlight the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In no way should you feel guilty about feeling this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While a solid marriage is going to have some give and take, your mental health needs are real, important, and deserve to be addressed. Not addressing them for fear of confrontation or guilt isn't really doing yourself or your husband any favors in the long run.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Based on my experience, my advice to you is the following: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Be upfront and honest with your husband.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him the truth, that you love him and want to spend time with him and your kid, but that you also need time alone to yourself. It might take some getting used to for him, but he should respect your needs and provide you with this space. If he doesn't, then there's probably bigger issues between you two.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing to consider is the perspective of your husband. He's alone with a toddler all day, so it makes complete sense that he would crave interaction with an adult at the end of the day. Does he have any hobbies/friends outside the house that could provide this for him? Or has he looked into getting a part-time job, if not for the money just to get him out of the house a bit more? These things could take some pressure off of you, and ensure that both your mental needs and his are adequately met.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13667" LastEditorUserId="13667" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T12:30:59.650" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T12:30:59.650" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19302" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19307" CreationDate="2018-10-12T16:27:57.800" Score="11" ViewCount="833" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently dropped my wallet while shopping, reached out among local lost-and-found groups on Facebook, made contact with someone who found it and made arrangements with them to meet up so they can give it back to me.  There was nothing of value in the wallet so there's no issue there, but I do want the wallet itself back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is, the person in question has apparently decided that I'm her new friend.  Now that she has my phone number, she's been sending me long texts and voicemails telling me way more about her life than I need to know.  I feel like our contact should have been as simple as 'Thank you for finding my wallet, where and when can we meet?'; 'X street at 2 o'clock?'; 'Perfect, see you then'.  I get the impression that she is someone with a lot of problems - abusive relationship, serious illness in the family, etc, and that she has been dying for someone to talk to.  But she has also mentioned that she's already seeing the proper authorities/supports about these things so it's not like I can give her a useful phone number either, I think she just needs a buddy.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not without compassion and certainly don't want to do any damage to someone who is clearly quite vulnerable, but I never volunteered to be this person for her and she's a total stranger to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the phone I can be noncommital or express a quick note of sympathy but quickly change the subject back to making arrangements to hand over the wallet (which I have to do many times, she is very quick to bring the conversation back to her problems).  But we're due to meet in person tomorrow so how do I stop her talking my ear off, again without doing her any damage because she is clearly in a bad place, but also without volunteering to be her new support system?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For cultural context, Ireland is a place where kindness towards strangers is highly valued, where cutting someone off when they're talking is considered very rude (and similarly you're expected to notice when the person you're talking to is politely trying to get away, which this person does not), and using phrases like 'sorry you have this problem but it is your problem' may well get you stoned in the street!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9559" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T16:52:59.780" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T06:54:38.160" Title="How to gently and compassionately stop a stranger talking to you about their problems?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;ireland&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-12T18:39:31.883" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your best non-offensive way to answer that type of stuff is a smile with a deflecting comment like, &quot;Hey, that's not robotics!&quot; and start talking about something else without answering the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that &quot;Hey, that's not robotics!&quot; is a deflecting statement instead of a question (which the girl could answer, her answer would take the topic back away from robotics). If the question is received literally then it could be experienced as hurtful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're teenagers in a girl's school, you don't have to give them a &quot;verbal slap&quot;  - unless one or a few of them keeps it up and/or starts getting closer to you or something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The code of conduct comment is a good one - ask about it and talk to someone about it - explain that you want to keep this from becoming a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9927" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-10-16T04:32:14.137" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T04:32:14.137" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19307" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19302" CreationDate="2018-10-12T19:07:25.327" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I sometimes also struggle to disengage myself from someone who is looking to talk. My usual tactic is to make obvious signs of your need to be leaving (ex. taking out your car keys, checking your watch or your phone for the time) and when you have the chance bring the topic back to your wallet&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks again for finding my wallet and helping me get it back, you know I'm really sorry to hear about [insert problem they have mentioned] but I really need to be getting to my next appointment. I hope things work out for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you're addressing the topic they wanted to talk about and bringing the purpose of your meeting back into focus. I think wishing them well but not suggesting or volunteering to help should leave you morally in the clear and not leave an open invitation for them to rely on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T19:07:25.327" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19302" CreationDate="2018-10-12T19:11:04.693" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say you tell her about your own problems, (only little ones, and not complain or be mopey about them. Just mention), be very polite and obvious that you are at the point in your life, where you would just wanna be alone in order to sort things out, or make it clear that you don't see yourself as the best fit to advise her on her personal matters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do try to be supportive. I mean tell her to be strong, tell her that most of the time in life, we are the only ones we got. We, humans, are just not good at being alone, we want something or someone, no matter how useless that is just to avoid being on our own. Tell her that it's okay. She is not wrong to find solace in a stranger, thank her for her trust in you but that blind trust can lead her to some trouble. Not everyone who has an ear is worth talking to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't wanna be rude I admire that. But there is a difference between being rude and holding your ground. You don't have to ignore her or cut her off. Just respectfully tell her that when you don't respond as maybe she expects or doesn't reply to her, does not mean you don't feel her pain but it's just that you feel helpless and awkward in her situation because it's obvious you can't directly help her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hopefully, she will get the point and at least lessen the communication. However, I would humbly ask you to just take a few minutes and just listen to her from time to time. It doesn't have to be that often or not at all. But kindness will serve a long way. I hope she finds her way through life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT. The reason I am asking to mention your own issues is to let her know that you have your own life to deal with. Don't do it like you are whining. It has worked for me in the past. I had a friend who always kept talking about things and people in her life that I could not at all relate to ( because I never met those people ) I felt annoyed but I had a good relationship with that friend in general and didn't wanna hurt their feeling, so I started talking about my own life, and people in my life who they never met, soon they got the point and from thereon we talked about things that were common to both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22492" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-10-14T06:54:38.160" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T06:54:38.160" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19309" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19296" CreationDate="2018-10-12T19:19:06.247" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;why not pose your question as a hypothetical the next time she brings up her past relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;her: something something past relationship&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  you: right, that is too bad. Do you think if the right person came around you'd be ready to try again with a new relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you are showing compassion as her friend and making sure she is alright and still getting the answer you are looking for for yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think there a lot of other questions around the topic trying to figure out how much another person likes you or how they may view you that you may find helpful for your question about asking if you're her talking buddy or something more, either way I think this is a separate issue from asking if she is ready for a new relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T19:19:06.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19296" CreationDate="2018-10-12T19:32:38.733" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Tactfully sure, risk free no.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little disclaimer: Huge amounts of literature are written about this subject (not to mention the romcoms) so I doubt you will get a definitive answer to this question here. I hope I can help a little though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you express romantic interest someone, your relationship with that person is going to change at least a little for the foreseeable future. This can be a very positive thing if it works out, but when it doesn't it might be a little awkward, that's how it tends to go. That doesn't in any way mean you can't have a normal friendship with this person afterwards though, lots of people have friendships that used to be &quot;something more&quot; for at least one of them, myself included. But when you express interest, you risk getting turned down and feeling bad about that. Interpersonal.se is not going to be able to help you with that I'm afraid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So how can I tactfully ask this girl if she is ready for a new relationship without messing up the connection we have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I gather from your question you might want to hold off on this for a little while. Presumably, you want this new relationship to be &lt;em&gt;with you&lt;/em&gt;, not just in general so I'm going out on a limb here and assume the priority is to try to make that happen, and not to get the answer to your question as soon as possible. From what you write it appears to me that you get along fine (have some &quot;chemistry&quot; if you like) but have not yet developed a deep friendship, and she is still in the process of breaking up, at least mentally, with her former boyfriend. In my experience, this is not the time to ask the &quot;big&quot; questions yet. By asking her if she is ready for a new relationship you are forcing an answer to that question, and if she says &quot;yes&quot; she will be taking on a lot of commitment all at once. This might be a little overwhelming and if that makes her say no, then that is the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think a more indirect approach would benefit you more, and would display more of the tactfulness you asked for. Why not, in stead of asking her if she's ready for a new relationship, ask her if she would like to go have coffee with you somewhere later? (The &quot;later&quot; part is important because it implies you show interest as opposed to a matter of practicality when you travel) In my experience, this will most likely be interpreted by her as a subtle probe. She now has the option to go along, to politely refuse, or to take some time by telling you she'd like to, but not right now. In any way, this will be a lot less loaded than asking about a relationship directly and therefore a lot less awkward which ever way it goes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21207" LastEditorUserId="21207" LastEditDate="2018-10-12T19:39:29.723" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T19:39:29.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19312" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19296" CreationDate="2018-10-12T20:29:34.803" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you like Justin Timberlake? In his song, &lt;em&gt;Nothin' Else&lt;/em&gt;, he sings,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been asking everybody what they think&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't know why because they don't know you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm even asking other guys what would they say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't know why cause they don't do what I do&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice? You know her better than anyone who's going to answer you here does (probably). Don't go on asking about &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;how can I tactfully ask&lt;/strong&gt;&amp;quot;, because what one of us might respond with might not vibe well with how she reacts--that's something &lt;em&gt;you should know better than any of us&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for whether or not she's ready (for a romantic relationship), giving you another quote, from the Stoic philosopher Epictetus:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We should always be asking ourselves: “Is this something that is, or is not, in my control?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is that she has her own burdens and responsibilities, as do you. Other than providing compassion and sympathy (as others have suggested), there is nothing else within your power that you can do to change her &amp;quot;readiness&amp;quot;. In my honest opinion, it's not something you should worry about either, because ideally, if she does like you, then her &amp;quot;readiness&amp;quot; would be second to her attraction to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for tips to check who you are to her? This probably isn't a complete list, but here are a couple of things to watch for:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Body language&lt;/em&gt;: does she &amp;quot;accidentally&amp;quot; bump into you? Does she engage touch/pokes first? Does she look &amp;quot;open&amp;quot; to you, or are her arms crossed when you're with each other? Does she face you with an &amp;quot;open&amp;quot; look when you both talk?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Awkwardness&lt;/em&gt;: how does she deal with awkward silences with you? Is the silence deadening, or is it something that makes the both of you giggle and/or enjoy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Conversation topics&lt;/em&gt;: if she talks only about herself, she's a friend. But if she also asks about you, then she's interested in you, and this is something you can weigh and leverage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, if she talks to you about past relationships, it's never a good sign. Change the topic, or make it lighthearted and fun. As &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/com/0692552669&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Corey Wayne&lt;/a&gt; suggests, wooing a woman is about making her have a good and enjoyable time. If she sulks about past relationships while going out with you, then being with you will be associated with all the bad feelings of her prior relationships. Remember that although you cannot control how things will be, you &lt;em&gt;do have&lt;/em&gt; influence over the direction of the relationship between &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; and someone else. Good luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21084" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T20:29:34.803" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19314" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19296" CreationDate="2018-10-12T21:05:05.017" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I tactfully ask this girl if she is ready for a new&#xA;  relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't. That's a highly private question, you can't just ask her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides, I imagine this isn't really what you want to know anyway.  You want to know if she wants a romantic relationship with &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can ask her if she wants to go on a date with you on a chosen day, and see how she responds.  That question you have a right to get answered.  (Though if she says no, you don't have a right to ask why, just accept what she says)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says no, then yes, it will be awkward.  Sorry, there is no way around that.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T21:05:05.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-12T22:19:28.710" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like playing dumb when people treat me dumb.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone who annoys me by over-explaining might see me completely stop whatever it is I'm doing, give them my full, direct, &lt;strong&gt;intense&lt;/strong&gt; attention, and ask them to continue the explanation or even start it over, filling in the blanks they left the first time. I'll ask for clarifications, what-ifs and hemms and haws, to be really good and sure that the person has thought of everything and is really giving me the best possible instructions. I praise their willingness and commitment to putting all that effort in for my benefit, and then thank them for just one or two more minutes to consider some additional hypothetical or uncertain questions I still have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After one or two experiences like this, they tend to think a little more carefully about how much detail they really want to give me in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short: I have been known to ask people not to over-explain things by asking them to over-explain things. I have been satisfied with the results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3031" LastActivityDate="2018-10-12T22:19:28.710" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-13T02:35:48.547" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Many years ago, a partner and I (still extremely good friends), used to have fun playing the hell out of this aspect of an evening. Typical conversation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Can we have sex yet?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Nooo! You've got to invite me in for coffee!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Okay. Would you like to come back to my place for coffee then?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Of course!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;(Arrive, door opens, door closes, coffee brewed)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Okay, done making coffee, can we do sex now?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;Nooo! You have to tell me you love me, and make me feel special!&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Is it okay to lie?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Maybe?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Okay. I love you, you're special, and &lt;strong&gt;now&lt;/strong&gt; can we do the bed thing?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;Noo... I have to resist, it says so in allll the movies... (etc etc)&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this isn't quite the situation you're in, but laugh, love and enjoy, and maybe this will give you a smile, and some ideas!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2123" LastActivityDate="2018-10-13T02:35:48.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19321" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-13T06:22:57.550" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m in receipt of such interactions from time to time, and ensuring that the other person isn’t offended by my response isn’t necessarily my primary concern if they’re being particularly patronising or condescending. I typically find it comes from people who are somewhat ignorant in their own way, and aren’t necessarily sensitive to the capabilities and intellectual capacities of others; they’ve just found a way to make the world work for them and have decided it’s the way it must be done. That said, I am at fault for some of the interactions and I know why - I’ll get to that later &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that most people treat you this way, and in the spirit of “we teach other people how to treat us” you’ve probably (without realising) engineered a situation where people think you need the overexplanation. If you’re now seeking to turn that around, perhaps start with the people who you know and get on with best - something as simple as asking “yes, I &lt;em&gt;had&lt;/em&gt; made the mental connection that the kettle needed water in it before it could boil said water, and I find that people tend to state the obvious to me a lot. Is there something about our past interactions that led you to believe I needed that extra info?” a few times, maybe out of earshot or others so you’re not publicly calling them out on being a douche, may be all that’s required. If you’re getting these comments because the commenter is similarly continually amazed at how the world works, don’t be surprised if this approach doesn’t work out- there genuinely may be nothing you can do to stop them thinking you need the extra info because they needed it once too&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel that’s a bit confrontational you could do the “add additional information to demonstrate your smarts, but add a bit of fake ignorance that they’ve helped you get over” thing instead, where you demonstrate a level of understanding above theirs but plausibly claim that their advice was useful because you didn’t know &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;“Well that’s weird, because the print spooler in the computer is supposed to take a document into its queue even if the printer is off, and submit it to the printer when the printer comes online.. If that never works out for this printer, we should probably get IT to take a look at the setup”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is true, adds some info they might not know, suggests a blame target that is neither of the humans in the interaction and proposes an alternative focus of attention. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the root cause of the problem is the other person’s level of ignorance and inability to appreciate your grasp of the world, it’s unlikely this will work out either and the best approach to dealing with someone who treats others this way is to avoid them wherever possible&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the root cause of the problem is that you’ve managed to teach people around you to perceive you as lacking the mental agility to make connections on your own it should be entirely reversible, but you’ll need to teach them the exact opposite of what they already think about you, and that’s a bit more of an uphill struggle than coming from a position of no preconceptions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As others have already commented, modifying the timing of your response may help. A few jobs back I had a colleague who was foreign, though fluent in English. One aspect of interacting with him that a lot of people found problematic was that he didn’t make responses at expected points in conversations. We’d say something and stop, expecting a response to indicate understanding, and it wouldn’t come. It was like speaking into a void, and people ended up over explaining to fill the silence, partly because they thought he wasn’t getting it, and partly because hey didn’t like silences. Acknowledgement would then come, leaving the impression that the overexplanation was required. If he’d jumped in earlier with a variation of whatever over-explanation was imminent, he’d have shut down the opportunity for the explainer to make it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mentioned that I receive such things occasionally, and I know how it’s come about -I have a habit of thinking about many things, and I’m occasionally more interested in finishing my train of thought than being mentally yanked into the room to interact with a person telling me to put water in the kettle, so the initial interaction isn’t heeded.&#xA;I know that no one likes to feel like they aren’t being listened to, and thus the fault is mine for not listening to them initially. I take the blame/punishment by accepting an overexplanation because it gives me time to work out what their original problem was (the bit I didn’t i didn’t listen to) but it makes me like the typical “absent minded professor” albeit with an aversion to saying “hmm.. what did you say?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, if you find most people treat you like this, it’s either that you hang out with a considerable quantity of patronising douches or it’s the case that something about you has taught them to do it. If you’re struggling to work out what isn’t is, ask them- they’re uniquely qualified to answer because only they truly know why they act like they do. If you don’t want to ask, it’ll be a lot of patience, introspection and trial and error, maybe also involving getting a new group of friends without the preconceptions (if you want faster results)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3726" LastEditorUserId="3726" LastEditDate="2018-10-13T07:00:52.417" LastActivityDate="2018-10-13T07:00:52.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19322" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19290" CreationDate="2018-10-13T08:30:44.480" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A couple approaches that are perhaps more low-road than other answers.   :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, you are a professional developer.  He is the tech-savvy one.  These are waaay different things.  (As a developer than can set up a *nix network and do tech support I understand it's all &quot;being good with computers&quot; to those outside the industry, but that's not the point.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't expect formula one drivers to act as mechanics just because &quot;they're really good with cars&quot;.  Neither should developers be expected to solve printer and router problems.  That's a job for the tech guys.  I would suggest that he look into tech-support courses and maybe gradually re-enter the workforce doing odd PC problem solving jobs.  Even if he doesn't take up employment, just doing the courses might be enough to give him something to occupy his free time other than what you are or aren't doing.&#xA;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In regards to the 'you should create mods/read/educate yourself' arguments, ask where his latest &lt;em&gt;Effective Parenting&lt;/em&gt;/&lt;em&gt;Advanced Cooking&lt;/em&gt;/&lt;em&gt;Handyman Mastercraft&lt;/em&gt; is, or why boeuf bourguignon/lobster thermidor/mille-feuille hasn't been on the dinner table recently after you've come home from a long day at work.  If your expertise is expected to be used to benefit your partner, then his expertise should benefit you.&#xA;&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, I might make an ironic comment that with all the nagging he's doing he's behaving like the stereotypical house-wife, and that he should quit his whining, get you a glass of wine, and go back to the kitchen and do the dishes where he belongs.  Though this might not work outside of western culture, within that space the point should effectively be made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3387" LastActivityDate="2018-10-13T08:30:44.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19323" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-13T08:30:50.380" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The awkwardness is there to fill a space the same way that there is awkward silence when a conversation stops and nobody knows what to say just then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To remove or avoid the awkwardness, do not leave an empty space. Instead of going from dinner to sex, make the transition smoother with more steps. Pick your places at the dinner so that you can start with light, playful touches. Then go for a walk or some other activity where more touching is possible. The walk can &quot;coincidentally&quot; lead towards the hotel. Touching becomes kissing, kissing becomes more sexual touching, and this you can easily continue well into the room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Plus it's more fun this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't see the space between dinner and bed as awkward. See it as foreplay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastActivityDate="2018-10-13T08:30:50.380" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19324" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-13T10:04:01.643" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It could help to suggest going back to either person's place before dinner ends. If dinner is one hour, then say 15-20 minutes before, you say something a bit more refined than &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Don't let me forget, but I also want to tell you (more) about topic N. I have this-food and that-drink at my place. When we finish dinner we can head there, but for now let's continue with topic K. You were saying ...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are interrupted with a strong objection (not a question) to where you two will go next, then that's a no. Questions are not objections. So don't flake or get timid if asked stuff like &quot;how far away are you&quot;, or something teasing like &quot;is that the best place to discuss it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you continue with topic K. Dinner ends: &quot;Let's get a cab/ride-share back for this-food/that-drink.&quot; Add a line about it, like &quot;I first had this in...&quot; &quot;can you believe it costs less than the water they leave for you on the counter?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All the awkwardness comes from waiting until the end to suggest the next location. You suggest mid to 2/3 through the first location, and reference it a 2nd or 3rd time when things end. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it is absolutely OKAY for you so EXPECT sex at some point during the night. The same way I can expect a 6 on the next roll of a dice. It's just and expectation, and there is a 6 on the dice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; okay to act inappropriately should the reality not line up with your expectations at some point during the night. I hope that makes sense. (Too many people saying not to expect it. Could the expectation mess with how you interact with her? Yes. It it wrong for you to expect it - i.e. should you not be allowed to think whatever you want? No. Think what you will).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13499" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-10-13T10:24:11.783" LastActivityDate="2018-10-13T10:24:11.783" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19326" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-13T19:38:51.103" Score="15" ViewCount="3504" Body="&lt;p&gt;My close friend of 30 years (my best friend) is an alcoholic, and her alcoholism has progressed to the point where it's taken away her ability to be a friend to me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has always been a heavy drinker but it's never impacted our relationship until this year. Until now, she and I have enjoyed sober recreation, and giving each other mutual support in every area of life. I am feeling unimportant and abandoned. As a counselor, I am educated about all forms of addiction and the toll it takes on friends and family. Having said that, it’s sometimes easier to give guidance to people with whom you’re not emotionally involved with, rather than know the most appropriate course of action when it’s happening in our own lives.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The final straw came when she ignored my birthday, the only acknowledgment I received from her was a Facebook status like when someone else wished me a happy birthday. This behavior is uncharacteristic of the past 30 years of friendship, and the only things that have changed are increased alcohol consumption as well as being in a relationship with a man who is also an alcoholic. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tactfully end the friendship with this person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is now a one way relationship and she is not putting in effort to maintain our friendship. I have decided this relationship is over, at least until she can be sober. I’m feeling angry, hurt and resentful. I own my feelings and have accepted I cannot change her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is still lingering in my mind is not having a sense of closure. I’m torn between letting her know where I stand, how I feel, and why, versus saying nothing and simply fading away without telling her how I feel.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dilemma is not whether or not to continue this &quot;friendship&quot;. I do not wish to continue this relationship, however I am unsure how to best end the friendship in order to gain the closure I’m looking for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have talked with her earlier this year about certain behaviors that I feel have hurt the friendship. I have told her I worry about her drinking and driving, and her health. However, I never told her how much her behaviour hurts me and our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22551" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2019-11-05T12:20:10.920" LastActivityDate="2019-11-05T12:20:10.920" Title="How do I end a 30 year friendship with an alcoholic?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19326" CreationDate="2018-10-13T20:06:21.827" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this other person has already ended the friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Respond to any communication she makes politely, but don't initiate any communications of your own. Don't make any promises or commitments to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this leaves a hole in your life&amp;mdash;for which I would not blame you&amp;mdash;go ahead and find someone else to fill it. (If you want to know the best way to fill that hole, it's another topic for another question.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Addendum&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to know what to do. (Full disclosure: I am an adult child of an alcoholic father, so I understand your struggle to some degree.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step One: Commit to moving on, no matter what.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in your position, the only closure I would need is my own commitment to ending the relationship. Any closure in which she accepts your decision requires her to be reasonable, and this is completely beyond your power. As a now-disgraced comedian once said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't know the recipe for success, but the recipe for failure is trying to please everybody.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have no control over how she will respond to your decision. You may be letting this uncertainty stop you from doing what is best for you. That needs to stop:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You do &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; need her permission to end the relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You do &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; owe her an explanation for ending the relationship.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You do &lt;strong&gt;NOT&lt;/strong&gt; have to correct her if she is wrong about something (assuming, of course, that you have not misled her about anything).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you concede any of these points, you grant her the power to keep you dangling; she will withhold her permission, ignore your explanations, and refuse all correction, just to keep things going. You cannot win that game&amp;mdash;she will move goal posts faster than you can run&amp;mdash;but you can and should refuse to play it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step Two: Tune her out.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as social media goes, adjust your settings so that her social media activity no longer shows in your feed. In Facebook, for instance, simply stop following her posts. If she sends you private messages, you should be able to tell whether they are genuine requests for help, or an attempt to hurt you or assert control; answer the former &lt;em&gt;if you want to&lt;/em&gt;, delete the latter. If you have social media links to other people that exist only because they are her friends, filter them out as well, so that her activity in their feeds doesn't show up in yours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she knows your phone number, you may find it necessary to block her calls and texts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step Three: Let sleeping dogs lie.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as informing her of this, I recommend that you simply do nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if your message ending the friendship is 100% truthful and 100% respectful, some people are triggered by anything that smacks of criticism, especially if it touches on a problem of which they are in denial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you say nothing to her, then at a later point decide to resume the relationship, you will not be in the position of having to unsay something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you send her any message, she may misunderstand it, and it will be difficult to correct the situation. Or she may correctly understand the message, but will lash out because your message reminds her of something she's trying to avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the best explanation is to provide no explanation at all. As the saying goes,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A wise man once said nothing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Step Four: Remain firm.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may do the social media equivalent of yelling and screaming and stamping her feet, but she can't do it forever, and if anyone who isn't enabling her behavior asks you about it, you can let them in on the truth. The drama will pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Epilogue: Remain open to genuine repentance.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that in time some event will leave her with no choice but to accept that she has a problem. If she contacts you and says that she has given up drinking and wants to mend fences, take her at face value and do what you can to help her stay on the wagon. That will also be a good time to tell her that you can only be friends while she's sober.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19084" LastEditorUserId="19084" LastEditDate="2018-10-13T22:54:20.057" LastActivityDate="2018-10-13T22:54:20.057" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19329" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19326" CreationDate="2018-10-13T20:20:36.503" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you have made the decision to end the friendship because it is toxic, and it is not possible for you to give her the support she needs to recover. This isn't the same as not caring, so there is no need to feel bad about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I accept that you have made this firm decision to walk away from it; however, I am going to challenge you on whether or not you feel you could live with yourself if you do absolutely &lt;em&gt;nothing&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From personal experience I can tell you that unchecked alcoholism can lead to an early death. I am aged 43 and an extremely moderate drinker - I barely drink at all - but &lt;strong&gt;two&lt;/strong&gt; people my age and younger that I knew growing up are now dead from alcohol-related illnesses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many countries, the suggested approach to help an alcoholic is to stage an &quot;intervention&quot;. Apparently you work in this field so you likely know what this is better than I do, but I understand it is where a group of friends and family approach the person together to confront them with their problem and encourage them to get the help they need. This doesn't mean the friends and family actually &lt;em&gt;give&lt;/em&gt; the help - it is about getting the person to accept that they need expert help, and then encouraging them to seek it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only other person you mention is your troubled friend's boyfriend who is also an alcoholic. If you walk away and leave her with people who won't support her then I doubt she'll ever recover. Can you live with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you could just walk away. That won't be a very difficult conversation. You just need to tell her straight that you cannot be around her while she is self-destructing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But my challenge to your stated goal is that you could alternatively &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt; and get her the intervention she needs, and you could still walk away. You don't have to be around her while she is in this &quot;toxic&quot; state, but at least by doing this you would be less likely to feel any guilt later if her condition gets the better of her, which I sincerely hope it doesn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-10-13T21:34:57.060" LastActivityDate="2018-10-13T21:34:57.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-13T20:33:48.797" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Perhaps they are stating the obvious because you are giving atypical responses. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm heading out shortly and your car is blocking the drive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The expected response is something like &quot;Sorry, I'll go move it.&quot; If you are giving a flat response like &quot;OK&quot; then it's not clear to the other person that you understood and are going to move your car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other cases of over-explaining, like &quot;don't forget to turn on the printer&quot; are completely normal and should be acknowledged with &quot;Thanks&quot;. People do this because at some point they did forget, so they think they helping you avoid frustration. For some people this is just a nervous habit. If you are frequently giving atypical responses to requests, it's possible that your behavior has made people anxious about interacting with you, which leads to more over-explaining in conversation with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7270" LastActivityDate="2018-10-13T20:33:48.797" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19331" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-13T21:23:22.427" Score="5" ViewCount="280" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work as a counselor in a drug and alcohol treatment facility. It is a high-stress, demanding job and requires extensive charting tasks to be completed by specific deadlines. All counselors receive weekly audits to ensure we are completing tasks on time and efficiently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The work space is very small and there is not a lot of private space to complete necessary work. This will not change. Other counselors are focused on their work and I am not experiencing this problem with anybody else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dilemma&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A new co-worker, also a counselor, talks a lot and talks about non-work related subjects. His talking is a source of distraction and has caused me to be less efficient in my work by his continual interrupting me while I am engaged in my work, coming into my office space, knocking on my door, etc. His continual talking and sharing about his personal life, political views, religious views and other issues is not only distracting, it makes me feel uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to be polite and maintain a good rapport and positive working relationship. I have given subtle hints such as closing my door, responding to his chatter with one-word responses, and telling him I need to concentrate on getting work done. None of these things have solved the problem, and I would like direction on how to effectively communicate to him that his talking is a source of distraction and is causing me to make mistakes in my work. I don't want to be rude or impolite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I communicate this to him in an effective way?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22551" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-14T00:58:18.067" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T10:56:43.137" Title="How do I approach a co-worker about talking too much and being distracting?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19333" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-13T23:51:39.843" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;For what it is worth as another 40 year old but NOT in the scene, I'd really simply suggest the honest approach. If you feel there is 'sexual tension', the 'hard to get' game isn't so fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I may have missed this, but is she local with a house/kids? Reasons not to go that way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say during the last 15 minutes of dinner, ordering dessert, simply- &quot;I'd really like to get dessert but there's nothing here that strikes my fancy. Do you know anywhere else?&quot; That opens up the option for her to invite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could also say &quot;I really don't want the evening to end, but I understand you've got to get to work tomorrow. If you don't think you'd be too tired tomorrow, would you like to get a bottle of (beverage) and watch some sort of lousy movie at my hotel? I guarantee it'll be at least 4 years old and with very bad special effects&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OK, more my style on the last one. And you've provided multiple ways for her to say NO without hurting your feelings or implying she owes anything to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you've got to seriously consider that she can say 'no' (And so can you!) at any point. There's nothing that's owed at any point. Even &quot;I really love seeing you on my trips, and would just love to spend more time with you somehow&quot;. (careful using the L-word, ya know?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. I wish you well and hope that you can find happiness- and that she can too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22560" LastActivityDate="2018-10-13T23:51:39.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19334" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19339" CreationDate="2018-10-14T07:50:46.767" Score="35" ViewCount="13486" Body="&lt;p&gt;For context, my girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now, and we're really close, especially when it comes to talking things over. We would both describe ourselves as nerds, and would never normally really care too much about how other people judge us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fairly soon after we'd started dating, she revealed to me that she often didn't feel brilliant about her body image. I responded by repeatedly telling her how gorgeous I find her, which, after a bit of time, appeared to clear things up pretty well. However, this has recently reared its head again, and I would really like a way of finding a cure for this, rather than a bandage for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even without being totally biased as her boyfriend, she is nowhere near overweight (she's slim, and is a regular, if casual, runner), but I can't seem to get her to believe that or understand it. Things did develop a little bit recently, when she, whilst we were discussing this, having thought about it for a bit, thought that it might come down to her being worried about not being healthy enough - which was why my attempts at reassuring her as to how beautiful she is has reduce in its efficacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other factor in this is that family members have, in the past, not helped her in her body image (or just in general about her appearance - telling her that I won't like her if she doesn't put makeup on before dates with me - although I have convinced her that it's entirely the opposite, I'd be more offended if she did!) - for instance in describing her, in relation to her even thinner sister, as 'the stocky one' in the family. One family member in particular has hypochondria, especially about obesity, which has led her to the opinion that almost all of the country is obese.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, how can I make my girlfriend feel better about herself? I am slightly worried that, because she can be extremely determined, this might end up reaching the point of anorexia if she puts her mind to it, or, that if I convince her not to do anything, that she might end up feeling worse about herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22566" LastEditorUserId="3090" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T17:27:02.667" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T17:27:02.667" Title="How to make girlfriend feel better about health and body" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19142" CreationDate="2018-10-14T08:33:32.337" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing you might want to consider is to let Bobby know about it anonymously. Assuming the conditions are right (if she doesn't remember telling you about it, or if other people also know about it), they will never know it came from you. For example, drop a piece of paper (not handwritten) explaining what happened, let him decide what he'll do about it. It will not have as much credit as you telling him: an anonymous message is not something most people would blindly trust. But it might make him go after the information and find out about it on his own, or might prompt him to talk to her about it and maybe she'll admit it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I say this as an alternative to what others already commented, since nobody else proposed this idea. I myself would follow most people's advice of speaking with the friend who admitted the cheating. First I'd have a long talk about it as to why they did that and so on, and try to encourage them to do it too. But I can see how for many people, telling him anonymously might be a better option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20845" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T08:33:32.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19336" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19334" CreationDate="2018-10-14T08:59:04.323" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am (or at least used to be) in the same situation as your girlfriend. My mother kept telling me I need to watch my weight for the past few years. I grew up with an older brother repeating how ugly I am every chance he got. I dropped almost 10 kilos in the past year and gained a lot of muscle, but still feel ugly and fat. It just happens less often than it used to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is actually not much you can do to help her with that. You might want to &lt;strong&gt;suggest she gets some professional help&lt;/strong&gt;. She seems to have unresolved issues with her appearence that a professional therapist could work on with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is give her support. Try to acknowledge the way she sees herself, instead of reponding to her by saying she is gorgeous. You can try to make her question herself if you want, but it would probably be better to not negate the experience she is having. For example, you could direct her attention to something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: Look at my belly, it's so full of fat&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: I am sorry you feel that way about it. I personally find it very cute. Actually, as much as your gorgeous shoulders.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to use some feature she is not insecure about when you point her attention to some other part of her body.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, you might want to read into &lt;a href=&quot;https://americanaddictioncenters.org/body-dysmorphia/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot; title=&quot;body dysmorphia&quot;&gt;body dysmorphia&lt;/a&gt;. Not saying she has that, but it might be a possibility, and reading about can give both of you pointers on the matter and on seeking external help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck on that journey and thank you for caring about her and wanting to help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14307" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T12:19:12.160" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19338" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19331" CreationDate="2018-10-14T10:56:43.137" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you have already tried the subtle approach, and it isn't working, it's probably best to be direct and frank. Next time he enters your office, say something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have [specific tasks] to complete by EOB, and I am behind, if it's not an urgent business issue, can we talk during the next lunch/coffee break?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you mentioned you are interested in remaining polite, it would be best to follow through with your promise, and talk to him at the next lunch/coffee break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19330" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T10:56:43.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19339" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19334" CreationDate="2018-10-14T12:35:23.107" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can relate to the feeling of being nerd and judged for my outer appearance (Chinese) quite well. So I like the fact you encourage her with words and I admire your courage to share this publicly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer is mixed version of personal and professional experience (coach/trainer not therapist) as well as skills that I have required on trainings about human behaviour and the mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Language&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's great that you tell she's gorgeous and slender. Keep that that up. You're what you tell yourself. Even though she might tell you the opposite her subconscious will eventually believe you (that's why it probably stopped the first time). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll give you an example: Imagine yourself standing before a mirror and saying &quot;I'm stupid.&quot; a hundred times over in an hour. How do think you'll feel then? What do you see when I tell you not to think of the pink elephant? ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;The Social Environment&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As I told you before language affects us. So do the people around us. In your case it sounds to me that what her family does is basically indirectly or directly telling her she's &lt;em&gt;&quot;fat&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. The same affect applies she can try to resist her subconscious won't let her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can you do to change that social environment into a positive one? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Emotions are Infectious&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speech is one part of the equation. Emotions are another thing altogether. If you say something like &lt;em&gt;&quot;You're the sexiest woman alive.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and don't believe it yourself - then the other person will be skeptical. To make her feel good you need to feel good yourself. This is easy because you're doing it already - great job on that front. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see when you feel good nothing can touch you. So when she's happy it's easier for her to overcome the feeling of insecurity regarding her body. What other things can you do to make her laugh, feel happy, loved etc. to strengthen her basic confidence? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Provocative Style (Advanced)&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a little bit tricky. It needs practice and empathy to work properly. You'll create resistance on other side without hurting someone. What I often experience are people who say &lt;em&gt;&quot;No you're wrong, life really sucks.&quot;&lt;/em&gt; when I tell them life is good. If I feel like the person always disagrees regardless of what I say I apply the provocative style. It's easy explained: You agree with whatever they say without using irony. Here are some ground rules&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Only use generalizations (everbody, people, women)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Agree with whatever they say (Yes and)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Exeggarate in a funny way (all women should be fat to make man feel good about themselves)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't be ironic with your tone&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me give you an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other person: &quot;My life sucks.&quot;&#xA;Me: &quot;Yeah, it does. People shouldn't be happy that's not good for them.&quot;&#xA;Other person: &quot;What?&quot;&#xA;Me: &quot;I agree. Life can't be good and people should suffer.&quot;&#xA;Other: &quot;I'm not like that...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do something that the other person doesn't expect which will create confusion at first and resistance second. This is good because she now has an intrinsic motivation to change herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps. If you have anymore question feel free to ask :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20177" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T12:35:23.107" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19341" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-14T14:45:31.617" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As this is more like answer to OP and others, than just comment to @VISQL / @avazula :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will put it a little bluntly (sorry):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;OP say, that he regullary meeats his friend at dinner (every few months or so) and that they enjoy it and that his wish is to end in bed with her sometime in future, and he feels, that it may be possible (so she may feel like that too), but it is AWKWARD to make steps from dinner to bed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They both are adults, they respect each other and are friends. It is really possible, that it may result in the bed - would not be first or last time in world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The pure fast, that she meets him on dinner each time possible and they both enjoy the time and are sad, when it ends suggest, that there may be more, if situation will came right way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I read VISQL comment in the way, that OP SHOULD expect, it will happen and so BE PREPARED for it (that means not run away in panic, if they happens one night in his hotel room in romantic mood). He does not say to FORCE her into it against her will, but he say to keep in mind, that it is possible (and desired) result and that OP should be positivly thinking toward it. (If I expect, that I MAY end in hotel room with my friend, I would make sure the room is tidy, there are like two wine glases and wine bottle somwhere, as well as there are two cups and coffie maker with coffie and suggar ready, also some chips or something like that, BEFORE I leave the room for dinner (and also be sure, that I have condom or two, just in case, but not in clean display). (If my expectation came true, then it would help, if not, it does not hurt.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the dinner I would keep in mind, that I want this nice end and I expect it to eventually happen. So I would invite her over the dinner to (say) see movie with me in sure way and with positive thinking about that, like &quot; ... BTW I got recently this movie I enojeyd it and was thinking, you would also enjoy it, so I took it with me, would you like to see it with mee today?&quot; (expecting her to say something like &quot;hmm, why not&quot; or so and take it as yes. Also if the reaply is &quot;Shoud I do it? Would not be that inapropriate?&quot; I would say &quot;Yes, sure you should. I would be really glad, if you do.&quot; - but if she say &quot;Sorry, I cannot today I have to go there and there and ... and ...&quot; then I would reply like &quot;Ok, maybe next time?&quot; (maybe she really does not so much time today) and finish the dinner happy as usual and offer it next time too. But if she say &quot;Sorry, I am happyly maried, I would feel that like cheating&quot; or &quot;Sorry, I do not want to go that far&quot;, then I would say &quot;Oh, no problem, anyway, I like to have dinners with you and talk about so much things&quot; and left it be as it is)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, if she take all my offers positively and we end in bed and are happy next morning, it is like the expected 6 on a dice - does not happen each time, but MAY happen. And all went well as I expected. If she turn it down for today, it like 4-5 on a dice, happens, no reason to expect I will get 6 next time I try. If she turn it down totally, its like 1-3 on dice, not what I hoped for, but if I take it right, we will be still friends, who does to &quot;just dinner&quot; every few months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand if I would expect, that there is no way for positive result (I would even not try at all, but if I would), that it would sound more like &quot;I have that movie on my room, but I suppose, you will not go with me to hotel anyway&quot; (and she will turn it down for sure - or nearly for sure, depends, how much she wants that result). So better EXPECT the best, but be not discouraged if not everything will go the best possible way. Just avoid the worst way and be nice and fair all time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also try to think about how it looks from other side - she meets you regullary, she feels good with you, but she is not the one, who should offer spending night together - you are not Prince on White Horse and she is not 16 anymore to faint, if you just smile on her - so the common sense is, that you would say her nice words, you would suggest to do next small step, then another, until you are there, where you want to be, while she is expected to accept it, if she is comfort with it, or even &quot;little defend, but not so much, that she would succeed with defence&quot; to make her more valuable price and &quot;not so easy to get&quot; - its a game and while you both enjoy playing, it is ok to play it. If she would like to stop, if would be told in different tone (&quot;I am not sure, if I should accept such invitation&quot;/&quot;Yes, such beautiful lady really should do&quot;/&quot;You talked me into it&quot; versus &quot;Sorry, I do not want to&quot;/&quot;Sorry, did not want to press you&quot;/&quot;Anyway, will we have dinner again next time?&quot;/&quot;Yes, we will&quot;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any way, if it goes well, you are expected to do a lot of &quot;small steps&quot;, each little far, then previous and let her decide, if she want to accept it, or stop it just there. You can bet, she takes care about her, she knows it, you know it, it is common sense for mature woman to dress good, have some nice earings/bracelet/parfume/clothes/shoes/whatever, when she goes to dinner with old friend. But still it is good to compliment her on that, on dinner about bigger visuals (that color really suits you and makes you hair even more beautiful), in cab, when you sit near each other, than in restaurant (you smell really sweet), in the hole room (yous skin is so soft and warm) - yes she knows, but it makes her happy anyway - and it is true, so nothing to be ashamed to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You tell her about the video in course of dinner, let her some time and ask here to go see it near the end of dinner (if she react immediately like &quot;I would like to see it&quot; - if basically mean &quot;I just want you to make me offers for each next step, so I can agree, as I cannot say it beforehand, just ask me and let me to say YES&quot;), talk about it and about her in the cab, offer her some wine/coffe, run the video, put the chips in bowel and sit near her to share it, then touch her, put hand around shouldes, touch her hends and more ... still expect, that if she went so far, she would go even another step, until she say to stop. If she does, then stop (ofcourse), but then you know, that next time you can safely go so far and maybe one or more steps too. It is not problem, if she is not ready continue today, maybe next time. But expect, that she would like to continue, until she state otherwise, as it is you, who should do these steps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your intent to sleep with here is like 100% (if she would agree), but there is a lot of awkwardness around the way.  It is possible, that just now her intent to sleep with you is also high, but the awkwardness totally stops her, from saying so. But she may agree to do a lot of small steps, with are not so awkward and could be seen as logical, you just present them as &quot;totally normal for adults as us&quot; and she is required to not reject it (it is much much easier, that to initiate it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine, what would happen with awkwardness, if she would next time invite you for a little walk, then some hot tea at her home, run some movie, while talking about something else, then put out two glases and bottle of wine on table and sit near you, just sipping the wine, head on your shoulder, looking at the movie. And on titles she would excuse herself, went in bathroom, return in towel and offer you to use the bathroom too. Where it would end. And how muchj it would be awkward to you to &quot;just agree&quot; with each of these steps, if presented like something &quot;normal and expected&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Yes, would be little awkward, but not so much and I bet, you would just follow, even if you would on the start on dinner had intent only like 30% to sleep with her - it there would be no contradiction.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this is, what I think, that VISQL meant with EXPECT the positive result as you would EXPECT 6 on the dice you just throw. It may happen, it may not, be cool, if it does not happen, but EXPECTING it you make it more probably to happen it and lot less awkward at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20776" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T14:45:31.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3658" CreationDate="2018-10-14T15:06:56.790" Score="-2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You know one strategy that doesn't work: Trying to give her no reason to be angry. One answer involved a strategy that worked amazingly quickly: Leaving the home for a few hours when she starts. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another strategy that may work is actually shouting back, and louder than she does. Not saying &quot;do you realise how bad this makes me feel&quot;, because she does know, that's why she's shouting in the first place. But for any accusation that she makes, throw one back into her face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What will happen? She will learn that her behaviour is unpleasant. She will also learn that her behaviour will have unpleasant consequences - for her. She will either stop her behaviour, or will decide that she needs an easier victim. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T15:06:56.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19343" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19334" CreationDate="2018-10-14T15:59:34.063" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't &quot;make&quot; her feel one way or the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been married for a long time now, and I've learned that I cannot change my wife's body image.  The images she sees daily on TV, in magazines, etc, are just too many.  There's a chorus of &quot;you don't measure up&quot; that women are subjected to on a regular basis, and it's your one voice against many.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do, however, is accept her for who she is.  If you want to encourage her to feel better about herself, don't focus on trying to combat that message about body image.  Focus on &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;.  Spend time with her.  Tell her what she does well (and be sincere about it).  Do things that she enjoys, and tell her you are having a good time doing that.  Encourage her in her work and hobbies.  Remind her that she is worthy of being loved and then demonstrate it. Demonstrate her value to you.  &lt;strong&gt;Those&lt;/strong&gt; are the things that will help improve her self-image.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you can do is to ensure that she knows you will support her.  Don't get into arguments with her family, don't try to separate her from her family, but do say things like, &quot;I'm happy with how she looks&quot; or &quot;I would never think of someone I cared about as overweight&quot; or &quot;she's an amazing person that I love spending time with&quot;.  That will send a positive message, yet not get you into arguments that you can't win.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An additional note: don't downplay the things she doesn't like about herself.  Instead, build up the things that she does like about herself.  Compliment the things that you notice. That's a slow process, but helping her self-acceptance by enabling her to see that others notice the things that she likes will help her to gain a more positive image.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T01:12:59.067" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T01:12:59.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19344" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19334" CreationDate="2018-10-14T16:13:31.840" Score="-1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The other factor in this is that family members have, in the past, not helped her in her body image (or just in general about her appearance - telling her that I won't like her if she doesn't put makeup on before dates with me - although I have convinced her that it's entirely the opposite, I'd be more offended if she did!) - for instance in describing her, in relation to her even thinner sister, as 'the stocky one' in the family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just addressing this one issue, there's an old proverb that is totally applicable here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Looks don't mean anything.  Real beauty is what's written in the heart.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll need to go a little careful saying this, but talk to her about the following.  No matter how good looking she is now, as the years pass, those looks will fade.  However, the beauty that's in her heart, which is the one that really matters, will never fade away.  That's why you're in love with who she is, not what she looks like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By letting her know that makeup doesn't matter, you've already laid the foundation for this, just take the time now to make it 100% clear how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2810" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T16:13:31.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19334" CreationDate="2018-10-14T18:34:50.977" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;In addition to what other people have already said, you can also do those things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, compliment your girlfriend about things that aren't body related. Things like: &quot;You are so smart, creative, funny, etc...&quot;. This will increase her self-esteem and &lt;a href=&quot;http://www2.uwstout.edu/content/lib/thesis/2010/2010huebscherb.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;studies have shown&lt;/a&gt; that people with better self-esteem are more satisfied by there body:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Self-esteem was the most important predictor of body dissatisfaction, with females with low self-esteem experiencing more body dissatisfaction than those with high self-esteem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Griffiths &amp;amp; McCabe, 2000, p. 312)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In relation to the previous point, I will also argue to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; complimenting her on her body &lt;em&gt;at all&lt;/em&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is probably counter-intuitive but, if you tell her &quot;you look beautiful&quot;, she might wonder: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What will happen if I gain weight? Or if I start having wrinkles? Will he still love me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will put more pressure on your girlfriend to &quot;look good&quot; (whatever that mean). And any change in her body might decrease her self-image.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what I will suggest doing instead is saying things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You will always look beautiful to my eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you are telling her that she &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; beautiful but that it as nothing to do with how she &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; look.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can also use:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Your inside is so beautiful that I can't even see the outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(but be careful with this one, it might suggest that she &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt; ugly but, since she is also nice/funny/whatever, it's okay).&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This last point is more about you. Try to avoid making comment about how other people look. Thinks like &quot;Wahoo, she is fat!&quot; and &quot;Did you saw her makeup? It was so ugly!&quot; are to avoid. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you talk about those subjects, you show that you care about how other people look. This will naturally lead your girlfriend to think that you care about how &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; looks (since you care about other people look, why wouldn't you care about her look?) and this will put more pressure your girlfriend to &quot;look good&quot;. Which, in turn, might lead her to think she is &quot;ugly&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T18:34:50.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19346" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-14T20:03:13.283" Score="10" ViewCount="731" Body="&lt;p&gt;My grandfather (85 years old) is affected by Alzheimer disease, and although it is still a mild form, it is now visible in the conversation as he often struggles to remember a name or loses his train of thoughts while telling a story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandmother loves him (at least I think) but surprisingly she has become very aggressive towards him since he has been sick. She shows signs of impatience while he looks for words, sermonises him when he does not understand something, etc. She does it in public too. I think her behavior towards him almost qualifies as abusive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That makes me very sad, as I wish he had more support and care for the last years of his life. It is disheartening to see him giving up on participating in the conversation, as if he finds it simpler to stay quiet and avoid her aggressive reactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandmother clearly understands his situation and she is otherwise a very nice person, so I still have hope she could behave nicer to him (although I don't understand why she mistreats him this way). I would like to bring the topic with her but do not want to sound too judgmental / accusing. Any thoughts about how I could ask her to be nicer to her husband?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11135" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-21T11:18:16.763" LastActivityDate="2019-03-21T11:18:16.763" Title="How to ask my grandmother to be nicer with my grandfather?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19349" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19213" CreationDate="2018-10-14T21:40:17.847" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, it's just less friction to let it go with a simple &amp;quot;Thank you&amp;quot;. Sometimes a positive acknowledgement can avert the over-explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm heading out shortly and your car is blocking the drive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might say &amp;quot;Let me know when you are ready to leave and I'll let you out&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;Give me a minute and I'll go move it&amp;quot;, or some such, depending on the situation. In any event, I won't just say &amp;quot;Ok&amp;quot;, but indicate that I understand the situation and am willing to accommodate the implied request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to click &amp;quot;send&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The kettle will need water in it before you can boil it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The printer needs switching on first before trying to print.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For each of these, I might just respond with &amp;quot;Got it, thanks.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be that a simple &amp;quot;Ok&amp;quot; to any of these will be interpreted as &amp;quot;so, what?&amp;quot; which then begs the over-explanation, or reinforces a pattern of over-explanation. Giving a short, positive acknowledgement that you clearly understand the situation might help give the over-explainer the confidence that they don't have to spell it out for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12026" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-14T21:40:17.847" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19352" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-15T02:50:51.497" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: I am answering as a teacher, now teaching in a high school. In the past, when I was teaching assistant at university, I have been in the situation where students were trying to flirt with me. I also did my internship with a girl class (in a co-ed high school).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;@Upper_case's diagnostic on the situation seems fine to me: middle school is a very special period for a teenager:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Their body changes, and they want to experience the effects they make on others.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Middle school is for many the time of the first boyfriend/girlfriend. As @Upper_case explained, middle schoolers need to learn how to flirt and are sometimes clumsy (when is it appropriate to flirt? when is it not? How to flirt?). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are still young and may not be aware that what is appropriate in one situation is not appropriate in another one. In short, they don't always know that they should behave &quot;professionally&quot; at school.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It is a time where they challenge the rules of society. How fun is it to make the teacher embarrassed by asking him private questions!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I am not sure that your examples (asking about your status relationship, telling that you look good) really qualify as &lt;em&gt;flirting&lt;/em&gt;. Maybe they are genuinely interested in your life, because they feel close to you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether it is flirting or not does not matter anyway: what is important is that you don't want to answer this kind of questions. Because of the fourth point above, I think the other answers, that is deflecting the question, may backfire. Actually, if the students see you are embarrassed, they may try to push the limits even further. I don't like your director's solution, as lying is often a bad option.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Refuse to answer private questions&lt;/strong&gt;: be firm, but keep a friendly attitude. Don't justify yourself, you don't have to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Student&lt;/strong&gt;: Teacher, do you have a girlfriend? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: I don't answer private questions. Sorry [Smile]. Let's come back to Robotics&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Better, as a teacher, you can use it to teach them a lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Maybe? You know, privacy is very important. I don't like to answer this kind of questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Acknowledge but don't make it a big deal&lt;/strong&gt;: how do students know they got beyond limits? Because adults got upset. So, if they tell you look good, just acknowledge and continue what you were doing. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Student&lt;/strong&gt;: Teacher, you look great today! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Thanks. I was saying that [continue your last sentence].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Notify firmly when they are going beyond boundaries&lt;/strong&gt;: being close to students does not mean you should tolerate everything. Enforcing personal limits is a way to get respected. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Student&lt;/strong&gt;: Teacher, your suit looks good on you. It makes you look sexy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Sexy? This is not a way to address a teacher. Please stop using that language from now on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ignore the matter&lt;/strong&gt;: sometimes, it is better to ignore small provocations to show the students they have no effect. The students had to write their name on a paper when I was a TA at university. One student wrote her name with hearts. I smiled when I saw it and tried to find which student did it. We made eye contact. The following weeks, she did it again but, because she was only a few years younger than me and I was afraid it would be considering as flirting, I decided to completely ignore it (no smile, no eye contact, keeping a perfectly neutral expression). She stopped after a short time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5387" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T02:50:51.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-15T03:54:08.867" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;b&gt;Many people at this age are desperate for answers and guidance in life.&lt;/b&gt; Often children get very little attention form their parents, and they spend very little time around older people, who they are supposed to use as models for being the adults that they will soon be. Children are often separated in to age groups with rather narrow age ranges.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really agree with your trouble with the lying about having a girlfriend when you really don't school policy. First of all it teaches you to lie, and second of all it doesn't really solve anything. From their perspective, even if you did have a girlfriend, couldn't you break up with her, or have two girlfriends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel up for it, you can answer their questions with short pieces of wisdom and advice that may be valuable to their lives. They look up to you because you're older. Saying that &quot;you have a girlfriend&quot; enforces the idea that everyone must have a boyfriend or girlfriend. That's something that their minds are already full of and you don't need to make it worse. It should be perfectly acceptable to say that you don't have a girlfriend, and that you are spending time with other things in your life at this time. If you want to be a good model to them and you're able to, you can tell them a couple of sentences about girls that you've liked in the past and the nice things that you've done for them. Maybe it'll help them realize that being with 13 year old jerk who thinks he is better than everyone really isn't a path to happiness, and they should be strong and ignore the peer pressure. Be careful to not go too far and get in trouble with the school though! They may not take kindly to discussions about certain topics, even if it's obvious to you that the kids are already discussing things that are way beyond any bad influence you could teach them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, try not to sexualize questions or take them in a bad way if you can. If somebody says &quot;You look sexy&quot;, you can say &quot;Oh so you think I look like a man? Thanks&quot;. It's not really a bad thing to be dressed up and look like a man after all, since that's what you are. Try to direct their thoughts to good things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I'm just talking about short phrases here that are good truthful answers. Not you becoming their relationship counselor. You can just ignore them and tell them to get back to school things once their questions become to silly and pointless.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: Regarding your comment about you seeming weird to them by saying how you're not in a relationship. I don't see a way around it. It's acceptable for people to not be in a relationship, and to not be seeking one. Many people live like this, and often it's when they're older and they've been though lies and abuse and they don't want to start that over. I know what middle and high school kids are like now. They might insist that you're gay if you don't have a girlfriend, and they're not always incorrect to think that in today's culture. If you did want to make up something, you could say that you have a girlfriend in a different country that has a better economic future, and thinking of going over there at some point. At least it's an answer that will get them thinking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11683" LastEditorUserId="11683" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T15:49:08.613" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T15:49:08.613" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19354" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19334" CreationDate="2018-10-15T06:40:52.530" Score="-1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;having thought about it for a bit, thought that it might come down to her being worried about not being healthy enough&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are many resources online about improving health. It is a very serious issue and should be addressed. One of the most important things she could do is educate herself about diet and the effects of what she eats has on her body. If she already runs that is a good step in the right direction. Encourage her to find a type of exercise that she finds enjoyable and can stick with, be it running, yoga or weightlifting to name a few.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Basically, how can I make my girlfriend feel better about herself? I am slightly worried that, because she can be extremely determined, this might end up reaching the point of anorexia if she puts her mind to it, or, that if I convince her not to do anything, that she might end up feeling worse about herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is worried about her health that is not something that should be shamed. Helping her on the path to getting fit and healthy will not only give her a feeling of accomplishment, but she will feel better as she is actively working towards being healthy and will be in control of her source of anxiety rather than controlled by it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;One family member in particular has hypochondria, especially about obesity, which has led her to the opinion that almost all of the country is obese.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming American this is wrong, it is only about 1/4 of the country.&#xA;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/adult.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;From The CDC&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The prevalence of obesity was 39.8% and affected about 93.3 million of US adults in 2015~2016&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck to you and have a happy long life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22580" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T06:40:52.530" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19355" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19406" CreationDate="2018-10-15T07:44:49.203" Score="20" ViewCount="11558" Body="&lt;h1&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell this Facebook friend that they might be on the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism_spectrum&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;autism spectrum&lt;/a&gt; without being too intrusive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have this Facebook friend that I care deeply about and with whom I interact often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This person cares a lot and is very compassionate. They don't know it but all the links and messages they posted really helped me and changed me &lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt;. And, today, I believe I am a better person because of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's also this person that helped me realize (thanks to the article about autism they posted) that I'm on the autism spectrum. And, I &lt;em&gt;strongly&lt;/em&gt; believe that, at the time they were posting those links, they were wondering if they were on the spectrum themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They never posted that they discovered that they were in the spectrum and, giving that they share a lot about really personal matter on Facebook, I believe they would have posted that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not knowing that you are on the autism spectrum is fine unless it makes you suffer. Two days ago, this person posted:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I didn't understand what he was saying [..] I see that he thinks I'm stupid. Maybe I'm stupid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's usual for people on the autism spectrum to not understand what a neurotypical person is saying because we (people on the autism spectrum) don't have the same way of thinking. It's like speaking in a foreign language where there are cultural differences involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that, if my Facebook friend knew that they were on the spectrum, they wouldn't have thought they were stupid. It's easier to accept oneself when you know &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you are so different. At least, it was easier for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is the reason why I want to suggest to this person that they might be on the spectrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I have tried&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing (yet).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I suggest to this Facebook friend that they might be on the spectrum?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Note and clarification&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I never saw this person &amp;quot;in real life&amp;quot; and don't plan to but, based on what they have been posting for the last 5 years, I think there is a really good chance that they are on the autism spectrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Wondering if you are on the autism spectrum isn't the same thing as taking it seriously enough to ask for a professional diagnostic. And I know from experience that having someone apart for yourself who also believe you are on the spectrum can help take this possibility more seriously (it helped me, even if I still waited two years after that before asking for an actual diagnostic).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We don't have any mutual friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This friend have, in the past, posting things that show interest in knowing &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they were the way they were and &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; they were soooo tired all the time (for people who don't know, tiredness can be an indication that someone is on the autism spectrum).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-21T17:20:06.313" Title="How do you tell a Facebook friend that they might be on the autism spectrum?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19356" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-15T08:38:46.427" Score="9" ViewCount="4941" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another week, another Monday and another same old unpleasant question (at least for me) - What did you do for the weekend? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple years ago I moved to another country in western Europe from South-East of Europe. As you might be familiar, the culture is a bit different between these two regions, but that mostly depends of a person's adaptability and how strong he is holding to his values (religion and tradition).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, from this point on, I would like to exclude those dimensions of differences between people, and focus on other dimensions (mentioned bellow).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, very often at work I've been asked by my colleagues &lt;strong&gt;&quot;what did you do for the weekend&quot;?!&lt;/strong&gt; I find myself in very uncomfortable position answering this question because of several reasons.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, for the sake of simplicity let's consider that I am some form of introvert, geek and hard-working person. This means that most of my weekends I am spending on learning and working on something&#xA;(sometimes related to work, sometimes very different from it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, I am seeing this question as a way to express to others what they did, by replying to it and then asking back what they did.&#xA;I do understand that this is very basic way to create ongoing discussion, but I also know that I am often being judged by doing what I want and not &quot;enjoying life instead&quot; (by their definition).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On other hand, I feel very comfortable speaking about very wide range of topics like economics, technology or anything which is not really personal (seems logical for introvert, right?).&#xA;Another thing why not speaking about personal things matters to me, is because I found that mostly in my line of job, if I keep personal relationship out is the best for everyone.&#xA;Very often my ideas at work, threatened some positions around me, and they acted defensively on it. So, I have difficult time to keep the balance between sharing personal life, and competing with the colleagues at the same time.&#xA;To be also clear, I am not rude at all while I am working my job, but very often I am stating facts citing resources and addressing the real problems. I am also not a solo player, in fact very helpful to those who want me to help. And also I am aware of &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/18300/how-to-handle-office-chitchat/18346#18346&quot;&gt;this&lt;/a&gt; question, but I didn't find the answers satisfying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can you address to those questions in a way that it'll be polite, but acknowledge them you are not fine answering those question over and over again?&#xA;I would like to hear more like a general answer that can be applied to a different organizations, rather than to my current position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21336" LastEditorUserId="21336" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T12:04:06.560" LastActivityDate="2018-10-19T08:10:30.153" Title="Handling the question &quot;what did you do for the weekend?&quot;" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19355" CreationDate="2018-10-15T08:41:21.663" Score="63" Body="&lt;h1&gt;You don't&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone that has been in a similar situation, I can give you a bit of insight in how this would be received by your friend. Simply put, you are not in a position to diagnose (or meddle with) the mental state of others, especially over the internet. Frankly put, this is none of your business. Later down in the answer, I will outline what you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; do instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Autism Spectrum Disorder&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok, so a bit about ASD. As is mentioned in the name, it is a spectrum. Not everybody will be equally affected by it. Some (more than you might expect) people have it and live their lives normally, as they would, without caring too much about it. A few quirks here and there, a bit awkward in communication and interaction maybe, but nothing too severe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People with ASD struggle with things like (new) social situations, deviations from daily routine, reading between the lines, and so forth. Not necessarily all these things, maybe only a few; it is a spectrum after all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So there are a few things to note here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Most people with ASD learn to live with it, quite often in such a way that they don't necessarily realise they have it in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The term ASD is very broad.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Telling someone they might have ASD.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What good is that going to do? A diagnosis in itself isn't worth much. When I received my diagnosis, it didn't mean anything. I didn't learn new things, it's just a label psychiatrists use. What &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; matter is that the diagnosis might unlock counseling or other means of helping with the problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that for many people, having ASD isn't a problem. If it is not affecting their daily life in a way that they would need help with dealing with ASD, what good is a diagnosis. This is a big part of the reason you shouldn't offer your opinion to &quot;strangers over the internet&quot;. You don't know whether:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They are aware of their ASD&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They struggle with their ASD&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They want to seek help with their ASD&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And frankly, unless they make it so, these are none of your business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;So how &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; you help?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see the person and their symptoms. Try to address those, instead of the diagnosis.&#xA;Be helpful by aiding with their struggles, don't label for the sake of labeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T08:41:21.663" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19358" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19371" CreationDate="2018-10-15T09:21:06.297" Score="5" ViewCount="689" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm having trouble with a few friends (I see on a regular basis) to take me, and what I say seriously. They sometimes straight up just ignore me. Also, it's not like I'm telling them to do stuff they can't do or things that are unreasonable, they're simple requests.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This weekend, me and 3 friends went out, got some drinks (only one for me because I had to drive home afterwards) and had a lot of fun. At the end we went to McDonald's to grab some food and we also took some of these balloons for kids with us. On my way home, I dropped 2 of the friends off, because they both live maybe a few hundred meters away from the McDonald's and the point where I dropped them off was on my way driving home anyways. So no big deal for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, after I told them to pick up their trash and the balloons and they told me they'd do so, but after I arrived home I noticed they left it on the back seats and the floor. The next day I confronted them with that via text, both said it wasn't them. (Obviously it was one of them though...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make them respect what I say in order to take what I said serious?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T19:38:40.653" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T19:38:40.653" Title="Making my friends take my requests seriously" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19359" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19355" CreationDate="2018-10-15T09:32:59.243" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Autism is understood today in a way that it never was in the past, which is why so many kids are getting a diagnosis, but also why so many adults that &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; be on the autism spectrum were never diagnosed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You point out that there is a clear difference between &lt;em&gt;thinking&lt;/em&gt; you are on the autism spectrum and actually getting a &lt;em&gt;professional diagnosis&lt;/em&gt;, so presumably your goal is to encourage your friend to get a proper diganosis, not just think it of themselves. But you also say that this friend gave you the information and tools to discover this about yourself, so the likelihood is that your friend &lt;em&gt;already suspects it of their self&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some adults have found it beneficial to get a professional diagnosis later in life because it helps them understand themselves better, explain themselves to others, and even get some support if needed. Others, however, prefer &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to seek a late diagnosis. Even if they suspect they might be on the spectrum, they may feel that they have learned how to deal with life, found their place in society, are happy with their friends, job etc, and do not require a label at this stage in their life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do talk to them about it you are likely going to find yourself in a situation where you don't have to convince them that they &lt;em&gt;might be&lt;/em&gt;, but rather talking about whether or not they should get a professional diagnosis. This may or may not be helpful for your friend and is their personal decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, by all means, have the conversation, but don't &lt;em&gt;tell&lt;/em&gt; anyone directly that they are definitely autistic unless you are qualified to do so. Neither should you force anyone to get a professional diagnosis if they don't really need or want it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could perhaps just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really want to thank you for the information about autism that you sent to me. It helped me understand myself. I think that getting a diagnosis might be beneficial to me because I have a need to understand myself better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might just encourage your friend who may suspect the same about their self to do the same thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to force the subject, the most gentle way might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you ever thought that you might be on the autism spectrum yourself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is less direct than saying &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; think they are autistic, and less likely to cause offence if they do not believe they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just one final point, and I hope you feel this is fair - you say yourself that it is usual for &quot;&lt;em&gt;people on the autism spectrum to not understand what a neurotypical person is saying because we (people on the autism spectrum) don't have the same way of thinking&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. So with this in mind, would it be fair to say that someone with autism &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; misinterpret the words or actions of a neurotypical person to be autism? You might actually be the least qualified person to say someone else is autistic or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T10:02:54.503" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T10:02:54.503" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19360" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19364" CreationDate="2018-10-15T09:56:26.373" Score="38" ViewCount="17506" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend (let's call her Claire) shares a flat with a couple (let's call them Bob and Alice). Bob is a close friend of mine, and I get along pretty well with Alice. The three of them used to sleep all together, in an open relationship, and things were fine (that was before the bonds between Alice and Bob tightened and Claire and I started our relationship).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What happened&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob was away for the weekend, and one night, Claire, Alice and I went to have some drinks. Things were going smoothly up until the moment Alice told us that it would be cool if the three of us could sleep together that night, and that she sent a text to her boyfriend to ask if he was cool with that. The answer was no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if my girlfriend was cool with that, I wasn't, because Alice is the girlfriend of a close friend, and I have the feeling that it isn't the right thing to do regarding Bob. I couldn't reveal my point of view at that moment because the text had already been sent. I now fear that Bob could hold some grudge, or that those events could alter the relationship Bob and I have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach Bob to clarify things, and explain to him I wasn't cool with all that was said and that I didn't play any role in all of this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22583" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T12:58:11.410" Title="How to approach a friend about his girlfriend asking to sleep with me?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19356" CreationDate="2018-10-15T10:12:29.383" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally this is just fairly unimportant conversation and shouldn't be taken too seriously... The answer, &quot;Oh nothing much&quot;, or &quot;Just relaxed&quot;, (or &quot;enjoyed the good weather&quot; if it was good) and then follow up by asking them back is enough to satisfy most people who ask this question. If they've done anything interesting they'll tell you and then you can talk about that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really think you can let them know that you don't like being asked that question without coming across as rude or odd... You may as well be telling them you don't like small talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either that or preempt it by asking them first!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3984" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T10:12:29.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19356" CreationDate="2018-10-15T11:24:35.133" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;People listen to you so they will know when they can start talking about themselves&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such question is not asked because person asking it is curious about what did you do.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;And from personal experience, as western European working in multicultural company in western Europe, asking such question is not part of our routine. We are taught that such question should be asked because A) it's what English speaking people do B) it help know other people you work with in corporal environment. In groups where majority are western European such question will be rarely asked. And IF it's just because people want their turn to tell YOU how did they spend their time.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;For us question and answer are just copies of English &quot;how you doing? - fine&quot;.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;For most people in my company, that I know, it's enough to say few times &quot;not bad&quot; to stop asking this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because it's small talk any answer is good &quot;Chillin&quot; &quot;eating&quot; &quot;doing some stuff&quot; or &quot;Didn't get drunk and get into a fist fight for sure, how bout you?&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually answer with &quot;stuff.... and things&quot;. If you're feeling really adventurous you can say, staring at a distance &quot;doing the right thing&quot; and then stare into their eyes and add &quot;I hope&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, because it's typical water tank thing, you will hear this question every Monday, probably from new people who don't know you yet, or from people from countries that they don't think they could NOT ask it. Just because it's expected to be polite by taking interest in other people life not really caring about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastEditorUserId="11735" LastEditDate="2018-10-19T08:06:29.240" LastActivityDate="2018-10-19T08:06:29.240" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19364" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19360" CreationDate="2018-10-15T11:46:41.423" Score="64" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;even if my girlfriend was cool with that, I wasn't, because Alice is the girlfriend of a close friend, and &lt;strong&gt;I have the feeling that it isn't a right thing to do regarding Bob&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that here lies the problem, as you're putting &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; conception of what a &quot;right thing&quot; is in the equation, rather than let Alice and Bob discuss it between themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would you change your mind if the both of them were cool with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, if &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are uncomfortable with having sex with anyone, whatever the reason, don't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your question, it may not be necessary to over-stress it. Since your relation with Bob visibly permits it, just casually say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Bob, just so you know, Alice asked you first about she, Claire and me sleeping together. I did not even get to say something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If appropriate, you may follow with a joke about submissiveness. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you'll highlight two things :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You did not initiate the idea.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Alice thought of Bob &lt;strong&gt;first&lt;/strong&gt;. That may help keep their relationship healthy by showing/reassuring where their priorities are.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19880" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T16:38:46.180" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T16:38:46.180" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19365" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19358" CreationDate="2018-10-15T12:20:53.230" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it's something that you wouldn't really stop giving them a lift for then say something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Listen, I like my car to be clean and tidy so could you take the rubbish with you otherwise we'll eat in&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically your two options are, don't give them lifts, or stop them eating in the car if neither of the methods above work. If you don't want rubbish and crumbs in your car the easy method would be to just eat inside the restaurant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be really firm with it then you can always say that if they don't take their rubbish then they won't get lifts again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14299" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T12:20:53.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19366" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19355" CreationDate="2018-10-15T13:19:01.107" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your approach to this 'problem' is one of seeking a process which you think would have helped your situation in a similar context. What you forget here is that everyone is different, and this in itself might be an answer to how you can support your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend has observed one specific instance of two people failing to communicate a concept, presumably an unspoken but important aspect of an interchange.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is true that people on the autistic spectrum will not be sensitive to some of the nuances that people use to indicate their feelings - equally they can be more sensitive to some behaviours (as an artificial example, a change in habitual behaviour).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do to help is to explain that 'talking cross purposes' is a very common problem. Generally two people have some common 'public' information, and some related un-shared information. It could be some other stress factor, a previous conversation, a mis-heard word - it is surprisingly easy for a mis-understanding to develop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It won't &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; help your friend to ask directly 'which cue did I miss' when they realise that something has gone wrong in an exchange, but you can support them in (a) admitting that they got confused, and (b) asking questions to confirm. Encouraging them to sometimes ask open ended questions (How was your day?) could also be useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="78" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T13:19:01.107" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19367" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19235" CreationDate="2018-10-15T13:47:33.140" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: A lot of what I say in this answer is already said in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19263&quot;&gt;Thyerus's answer&lt;/a&gt;. But I think it gives enough information to be more than a comment. Maybe a community answer would be a good idea to answer this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, a bit of context here: I'm a male in my late 20s living in the south of France.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think there are four parameters to take into account to know when you're expected to do &quot;La bise&quot;. Namely:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gender&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Geography&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Age&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Social link with the person&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, let take them one by one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Gender&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of the time, women are more expected than men to do &quot;la bise&quot;. For instance, when I come to work in the morning, I do &quot;la bise&quot; to all my female coworker and shake hands with all the males one. This is of course dependant of the 3 other points, but note than in a situation where one will expect a man to do &quot;la bise&quot;, a woman will be even more expected to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Geography&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thyerus said in his answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Not sure if it's specific to Alsace but here, I've only witnessed two men doing &quot;la bise&quot; in a father-son situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't say it's specific to Alsace, but it's really wrong in Provence. A rule of thumb is that in the south, people tend to do la bise a lot more easily than in the north. I don't really know where to draw the line, but I live near Marseille, and I do &quot;la bise&quot; to all my friends, no matter male of female. Once again, there are 2 more points to take into account, but in south of France, the Gender part is (almost) invalidated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Age&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, younger people tend to do &quot;la bise&quot; more often. Moreover, the greater the age difference, the lesser I'll go for &quot;la bise&quot;. I think you can see it the same way as &quot;tutoiement&quot; vs &quot;vouvoiement&quot;. If I'm meeting a 60+y/o, I'll probably &quot;vouvoie&quot; them and shake their hand. If they're 20, I'll probably give &quot;la bise&quot; and &quot;tutoie&quot; them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Social link&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your relation with the other person is also very important. I'll separate it in four categories: Friends, Family, acquaintance, and workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what I get of your question, the problem occured in family. Once again, this may be cultural, but I always do &quot;la bise&quot; to all my parents friends. Moreover, &quot;la bise&quot; is often see as a more affective and non-formal way to greet someone. If they're your mother friends (as in your anecdote), they probably see you (depending on your age) as &quot;the cute little daughter of my friend&quot; more than &quot;the [whatever job you do] of [whatever company you work for]&quot;. So it make sense for them to go for &quot;la bise&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think friends and family aren't really a problem. You know them well, see them often, and know which one expect you to do &quot;la bise&quot; or not. The 2 main problems are acquaintance (friend of a friend, or friend of family types for instances) and cowokers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For acquaintances, I think you can use the 3 other points: I get from your question that you're a girl/woman. So, that's 1 point for &quot;la bise&quot;. If you happen to live/meet them in south of France, and if they're around your age, there is a 90+% chances they'll go for &quot;la bise&quot;. If they're much younger/older than you and in Paris or Brest, they'll probably go for a handshake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most troublesome part (for me) is the workplace. As I said in the previous points, I do &quot;la bise&quot; to all my friends, male of female, but I shake hands with all my male coworkers. I also said I do &quot;la bise&quot; to my female coworkers, but I shake hands with my female managers. And doing &quot;la bise&quot; to a manager, no matter if male or female, old or young, in Marseille or in Lille would seems really akward. And just as I'm writting this, I realise that some male managers do &quot;la bise&quot; to female employees, but I've never seen the opposite. To be honest, it's probably one of the most akward part whenever I change team: getting to know if I should do &quot;la bise&quot; or shake hands to my new females cowokers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Summary&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sadly, I think there is no way to fully answer your question about &quot;when should one do it?&quot;. Has you said it's a lot of greyzones. I tried to reduce it to a spectrum with (at least) four dimensions. I hope it helped you a bit, but sadly it still isn't perfect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same age, same social status, at least one is female, south of France -&gt; &quot;la bise&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Big age gap, one is the manager of the other, both are male, north of France -&gt; don't even think about &quot;la bise&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anything in the middle -&gt; Greyzone!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22588" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T15:08:36.327" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T15:08:36.327" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19368" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19356" CreationDate="2018-10-15T14:48:58.023" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Regarding your second point,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I also know that I am often being judged by doing what I want and not &quot;enjoying life instead&quot; (by their definition).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just reply that whatever you did (be it reading, learning, tinkering, etc.) is something &lt;em&gt;you like&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may help your colleagues get a better grasp of what constitutes &quot;enjoying life&quot; for you (and maybe others), and ultimately make them less judgemental.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might even find your hobby relatable to one of theirs, and start showing real interest instead of just bragging about their own week-end exploits. :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19880" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T14:48:58.023" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19369" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-15T15:00:49.923" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Rather than being an interested peer, maybe you can view yourself more as a friendly and engaged manager. These kids aren't far from their first boss.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They won't like it, there will be some discomfort (to match your own discomfort), but address the situation as an appropriately-behaving employer would, &lt;em&gt;for their benefit as well as your own&lt;/em&gt;. Teach them that the 'workplace' is not the place for excessive flirting, especially unreciprocated 'advances'. &lt;em&gt;More especially&lt;/em&gt;, between a mentor and those they're helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not sexual harassment yet, and I don't mean to imply that it is or that it ever will be, but it's a teachable moment to influence their own behavior and response to such behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Get another adult involved, like the guidance counselor--especially because this is a delicate area that is in no way related to the class. You're not admonishing the kids, you're teaching.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, they might be a little colder and a little more distant, but this is not necessarily a bad thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: With the current awareness about the prevalence of flirting, incessant flirting, outright misconduct, and more, this seems like an opportune moment to show the children (even children that haven't flirted with you) how easy it can be for something innocent to make another adult uncomfortable. It's too easy to read something, such as current news, and think &quot;that behavior is repulsive, I'd never do that&quot;, it's perhaps an opportunity to show every student how easy it can be to fall into this trap.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your reaction, you can show them that it's okay to express discomfort with flirting ore more-aggressive behavior. You can show the proper workplace channels that they can take issues to, with a counselor or authority standing in for HR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16750" LastEditorUserId="16750" LastEditDate="2018-10-19T18:32:39.750" LastActivityDate="2018-10-19T18:32:39.750" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19370" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19360" CreationDate="2018-10-15T15:45:46.190" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;You will most likely find that Bob is much more relaxed about this than you are. From &lt;strong&gt;his perspective&lt;/strong&gt; this is what went down:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he was out of town&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;his girlfriend asked his permission for a threesome&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he refused&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;nothing happened&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the perspective of a person comfortable with open relationships, the second point is no reason for concern or worry and certainly not to hold a grudge. If she had gone forward with it despite the negative answer, that would be a different matter. But in open relationships, asking your SO when you are thinking about having sex with a third (or third and fourth) person is completely normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;How to approach Bob&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are worried about the episode, you need to get it out of your system. Mention it in a humorous way during your next natural conversation with Bob. The tone should be light, but you can admit that the idea had you worried and surprised. You can lead with the fact that it was her idea and she didn't even ask if you are interested before she texted him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be ready for Bob giving you an answer you don't expect. He may well be perfectly fine with you sleeping with both girls, just on that day not. Or he would prefer to be there as well and have a foursome. They may even have discussed this exact scenario beforehand and the reason she texted him was that his position was &amp;quot;maybe, depends on how I feel that day. Ask me when it happens, ok?&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could also be the other way and they have sinced closed their relationship and she was testing how serious he is about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or it could be that he likes you as a friend, but not as a lover of his GF.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Going forward&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should also use the opportunity to find out where &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; GF stands on this whole issue - on open relationships in general and the one she used to have (still has?) with the other couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And maybe you should firstly understand where &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; stand on this question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3375" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T12:58:11.410" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19371" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19358" CreationDate="2018-10-15T15:53:23.550" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you are able to see your backseats/floors from your position in your car, I'd &lt;em&gt;highly&lt;/em&gt; recommend turning around as they are getting out to see if they are forgetting to take any trash with them and, if so, saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh hey - don't forget to take your _____ (bag, trash, fry container, etc.) with you, please.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reminding them on their way &lt;em&gt;out&lt;/em&gt; of the car is crucial because you are just reiterating your earlier request, and you are very kindly putting them in a position where if they &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; leave trash they would be blatantly disrespecting you (which virtually no one would do in this situation).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This is the most non-confrontational way to remind people to take their trash, so long as you stay casual and non-chalant as you say it,&lt;/strong&gt; and after a few rounds of this, it's likely they'll start to do it on their own out of habit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If for some reason this doesn't work, or things are still getting left in the car, the next time someone mentions wanting to grab food, I'd recommend saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;The last couple times I've drove us to food, I have to clean the trash out of my car later.  If we go, will everyone please throw away their own trash when they get out?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows that you are getting hesitant about driving them to food, and may stop if the behavior continues.  If they value the privilege of getting to ride around and eat while you drive, they'll probably be a little more cautious about cleaning up because they don't want to lose that benefit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T15:53:23.550" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19372" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-15T16:34:37.357" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm probably late to the party here, but i'll give you my view on this, which isn't really an answer but depending on how you take it, it might be for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my personal experience and my development through teenage years into adulthood, i went from having 0 sucess with women to having alot of it. Awkwardness was a HUGE battle as i was a bit awkward in this transition. What I figured out was that awkwardness is a choice. &lt;strong&gt;It's your choice to define a situation as awkward and trust me, once you do, it is.&lt;/strong&gt; If you never feel awkward you tend to influence the people around you to feel the same as you, ofc this goes both ways so as soon as you feel awkward she also feels, at least, that you are making things awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not about the exact situation or what was said and done, it's about how you and her react to these things. Ofc this is what confidence is called, being on top of the situation w.e. happens and never letting things get awkward. But what i'm trying to get across with my answer is that &lt;strong&gt;awkwardness is contagious and you are in control of it&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that said, i understand it doesn't quite answer your question and it's just my personal experience and not fact. I hope it can help you in the future tho :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ps: sorry for any typos, not primary language and writing a bit fast as i'm short on time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18899" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T16:34:37.357" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19373" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19346" CreationDate="2018-10-15T17:15:43.830" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I sadly experienced the same thing with my grandparents a couple of years ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your grandmother is going through a lot of stress and emotional distress. Dealing with Alzheimer, seeing a person you love slowly decaying is terrible. Chances are that she doesn't know how to deal with it, and her reactions are the way she copes with it. She does need help, but resources are usually scarce. And keep in mind that she's from another generation where mental health was seen as a huge taboo and asking for help was hugely regarded as admitting insanity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things aren't going to get better and might become ugly quite fast. In the third phase of the disease, your grandfather will become more disoriented, incontinent, and even aggressive, mean or violent with your grandmother. If she's in denial, she will want to keep him home. Dealing with this will greatly tax your grandmother's health and wellbeing. It is important that your family be there to help her and move your grandfather to specialized care units when it will be time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are, your grandmother is not willingly being mean to your grandfather. You could ask her how she's doing and if she needs help, letting her know that you've seen her being aggressive with your grandfather and that it worries you about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wish you strength. Alzheimer is a terrible disease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2129" LastEditorUserId="2129" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T18:02:23.857" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T18:02:23.857" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19375" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19346" CreationDate="2018-10-15T18:15:30.100" Score="14" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Frame Challenge: You shouldn't. You should, instead, ask about &lt;em&gt;how your grandmother is coping&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;try to support her.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alzheimer's is an extremely challenging disease to cope with, for everyone involved. If you asker her straight out whether or not she should be nicer and more patient with your grandfather I would bet she would say yes. Knowing that that is the case does not in any way make it easier to actually do, and knowing that she is failing to do something she knows she ought to do probably only makes her feel more stressed and drained.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider from your grandmother's point of view: her husband, who was an intimate part of her life for a long time, is now different from who he was (at least to some degree), and those changes are going to continue to happen and compound one another. Any important tasks he used to handle are now dumped into her lap. A lot of routines and habits of communication and living are now disrupted. Instead of enjoying their lives together, as she probably imagined would be the case, she has to be responsible for an adult that can't care for himself properly and that is also somewhat unaware of his increasing limitations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And so when there are clear signs of your grandfather's disease it may be triggering all sorts of negative feelings for her, along with the knowledge that this will consume increasing amounts of her life at the same time that any plans or dreams she may have had are crumbling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's hard to deal with, and especially if they are not in an assisted living facility she's not going to be getting much of a break from that. Ever. That's an incredibly difficult situation, and it's not surprising that her frustrations may boil over, nor that some specific behaviors (which are themselves the most noticeable signs of the disease) might become symbols of the whole situation to her. It's unlikely that she suddenly dislikes your grandfather, or that she has coincidentally taken up bullying as a hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So there are a few possible paths. If you think that your grandmother has simply become a worse person (in effect, whatever the actual genesis is) and is abusing your grandfather then it's important to get external help, probably from a legal or social work angle. If you think that she's buckling under some severe and intense stress, then treating her compassionately (instead of accusing her of failing at an obvious task) is a better way to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've recently gone through a very similar situation with my own grandparents, and just indicating that you can appreciate your grandmother's new burdens is likely to help a great deal. Any further assistance you can offer, such as helping with tasks your grandfather used to do, lightening her burden by helping with housework or other mundane chores, will be greatly appreciated and are probably a good avenue towards the better situation you are hoping for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T18:15:30.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19377" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19360" CreationDate="2018-10-15T18:26:48.223" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If they were in an open relationship for an extended period of time, then the rules of an such a relationship are well-understood by Bob. I doubt he would be upset, especially given that he was asked for permission and his wishes were respected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to indicate to Bob that you did not request anything, I recommend mentioning the event casually and describing Alice making the request. An accurate description is probably ideal here, because as written in the OP Alice did in fact make the request on her own. If you don't think that you can discuss that night casually then you can explicitly say that you want to make sure things are clear between yourself and Bob, just to make sure there isn't any unpleasantness down the line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob may or may not accept that-- two couples, each in open relationships, with prior ties between some of those relationship participants, while he was out of town... well, if he were suspicious and possessive then the open relationship would probably not have worked for him in the first place. But honestly this sounds like a not-very-big deal given the situations you all are in, and is probably not going to be a problem unless it comes up again in the future (which would really be a different problem anyhow).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T18:26:48.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19378" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-15T19:01:06.100" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The simple solution is to tell the students that you are a member of the staff, and such comments are inappropriate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is likely that they probably aren't serious, and are just exploring new thoughts that are occurring to them for the first time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, you have to keep the big picture in mind, because you're older, and society in general will hold you to a much higher standard of behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could inadvertently get yourself in undeserved hot water if you don't stop those comments. Someone may overhear girls chatting about you, and might think that you were a willing participant. Even if totally false, just the hint of something like that can wreck your future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19337" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T19:01:06.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19380" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-15T19:22:14.570" Score="5" ViewCount="1029" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know that people have their own points of views according to different religions, cultures etc. and so on, but how can I deal with people who outwardly come to you and find it wrong or a problem or just odd that you wish to stay a virgin until marriage?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By &quot;deal with&quot;, I mean how can I make them understand this is my choice whether it is religious or cultural, and I will not be convinced by them so could we stop and change the subject. In other words, how can I make them stop asking me these questions and make it clear that this is my personal choice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22393" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T20:20:35.073" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T20:51:46.440" Title="How to deal with people who think staying a virgin until marriage is wrong or odd" Tags="&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-10-16T02:05:32.433" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19381" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19346" CreationDate="2018-10-15T19:46:00.133" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I went through this recently. The emotions and stress is high, your grandmother is having her life and her partners life changed in radical ways. There is nothing that can be done to fix the situation (there is no cure for this disease).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, don't be upset with your Grandma. You can't understand what she is going through right now. You also can't control how she controls her own emotions and actions during this period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best thing you can do is be physically and emotionally supportive. Don't be accusative or upset or resentful. Be the optimistic one when everyone else is sad. Be the reliable one. Block out your subjective emotional opinions and just work towards getting everyone through the situation with minimal emotional trauma.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17350" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T19:46:00.133" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19382" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19380" CreationDate="2018-10-15T19:48:54.713" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to deal with people arguing with me about me being a vegetarian. They ask questions like &quot;Is it because you are from India?&quot; and &quot;What is wrong with you?&quot; and &quot;That is so stupid&quot;. I had my reasons. I had my justification for choosing to not eat meat. When I try to explain myself, they try to &quot;convince me&quot; otherwise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I learned, the hard way, that they are not trying to insult you. But just trying to &quot;help&quot; you. When you believe in something that people don't generally believe in, they think you just don't know any better. Some people are genuinely just trying to learn the root of your belief system and understand better why you do it a certain way, while some just think all you need is some talking to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is what I started telling people:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh it's OK, I am not in a dilemma. That is just who I am and I know why. I have my reasons and I wish to stick with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People usually go &quot;Ooookkk...&quot; But then again, it is in fact your belief system that isn't up for debate. Just be direct with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Important things to remember when trying to not engage in an argument or debate:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;DO NOT try to convince them that your way is better than theirs. You don't want to seem like you're preaching your belief. When someone even thinks about talking to you about this, they are coming from the other side. It is just as annoying to them as it is to you if you try to convince them otherwise. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your question says &quot;Religious or cultural&quot;. This shows a very good attitude about this whole thing. As in, you don't even want to dig as deep as &quot;Why&quot;. Keep it that way. DO NOT mention either of those terms. That is just opening up a can of worms and leads to more questions/accusations/debates.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sound confident in what you say. Simply state a direct statement that tells them to stop &quot;trying&quot; to talk you out of your belief.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Maybe start talking about something else right after. You want them to know how disinterested/indifferent you are towards their opinions on your beliefs. Just state the statement and carry on with something like: &quot;But anyways, how was your day today?&quot; or something, depending on the situation and the person you are talking to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In conclusion, try to be as clear as and as direct as possible about your confidence in your belief and they usually stop. I've been there and I know it can get annoying. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S.: Keep in mind this: IF someone is asking you questions regarding your belief system with genuine curiosity and willingness to learn the reasons, you should definitely tell them why. Always support others willingness to learn. When they utter words like &quot;But what about....&quot; is when they are trying to convince you otherwise and when you need to stop the conversation. Don't immediately throw this at people because you make a lot of enemies doing so. Entertain the &lt;strong&gt;talk&lt;/strong&gt;, block the &lt;strong&gt;debate&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T19:54:31.453" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T19:54:31.453" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19383" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19380" CreationDate="2018-10-15T20:44:33.653" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think this question can be generalized to&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I stop debate about my beliefs?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This applies to anything. &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/11739/how-do-i-answer-the-question-why-are-you-vegan-honestly-without-making-them&quot;&gt;Veganism&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1556/how-to-ask-a-vegan-to-stop-telling-me-about-veganism-because-i-am-not-interested&quot;&gt;carnivores&lt;/a&gt;, alcohol consumption, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/14764/friend-of-a-friend-trying-to-coerce-me-to-quit-smoking/&quot;&gt;smoking&lt;/a&gt;, studying Latin, having Instragram, watching Real Housewives or Walking Dead, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/13708/11991&quot;&gt;abortion laws&lt;/a&gt;. It doesn't matter what is the problem, you always have a right to not listen to negative complaints about your behavior that doesn't affect others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be useful to remind people that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it is your opinion and you are OK with it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;they might have other opinion and that's fine too&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;your opinion doesn't affect them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;you don't want to engage in this discussion right now&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't stop, you can nod, say &quot;Yeah, I see&quot; and physically walk away. There is nothing rude in that response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, if you feel that person is not acting in good faith, you should avoid them. You have to start conversation having same goal. If their goal is to belittle you or change you, you are not having a productive conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on the circumstances, though, the person asking you might be genuinely concerned. For example they might assume you have some sort of trauma. It is on them to ask that question, but you don't have to answer that either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11991" LastEditorUserId="11991" LastEditDate="2018-10-15T20:51:46.440" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T20:51:46.440" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19384" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19360" CreationDate="2018-10-15T20:59:13.153" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is all on Alice.  If she was going to send a text to Bob she should wait for a response before presenting this to you and Claire.  Or ask you and Claire first and only send a text if she get a positive response from both of you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your concern is that you did not get a chance to express your choice.  You want to express your independent choice to Bob.  You want Bob to know that text was sent before she talked about it to you and Claire.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you should be up front.  I am assuming Alice got the response from Bob before talking to you and Claire about it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would just go about it straight up.  Have a direct conversation with Bob.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would just like you to know the sequence of events the other day.&#xA;  She texted you before talking to us.  My feelings on this was no based&#xA;  on both my relationship with Claire and you.  Even if my answer was&#xA;  yes I would have declined if I knew you said no (if that is true).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastActivityDate="2018-10-15T20:59:13.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19387" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19402" CreationDate="2018-10-15T23:31:10.350" Score="9" ViewCount="1015" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently developed &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyshidrosis&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;dyshidrosis&lt;/a&gt;, which makes my palms look disgusting. So &lt;strong&gt;I don't want to show my hands to anybody to see&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People often do not looking at the hands when shaking, and this eczema does not spread from person to person. However, if they do, it would be very award whatever I explain. So I would like to avoid shaking hands as much as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm looking for a way to avoid shaking hands. Ideally, they should forget about the needs of shaking my hands. I'm in the US, my job requires me to have meetings with strangers once a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Updated&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I enjoy meeting with people, and have no problem with shaking hands, fist bump, high five or whatever. This eczema is short term, and I want to start shaking hands again when it is over. I don't want to develop a reputation of avoiding shaking hands. Moreover, I'm Asian and atheist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks @EmC for pointing out, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/11267/greeting-others-as-someone-with-clammy-hands&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; is the closest to mine, avoid shaking hands because of a condition. But the difference is that clammy hands do not look disgusting. I have no problem shaking hands as long as people do not look at my hands. The &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/8377/how-to-refuse-to-shake-hands-without-offending-the-other-party&quot;&gt;other question&lt;/a&gt; is not very related to mine, as I said, I want to start shaking hands again when my eczema is gone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12340" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-08T11:25:30.377" LastActivityDate="2019-03-08T11:25:30.377" Title="How to avoid shaking hands?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;greetings&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19388" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19355" CreationDate="2018-10-15T23:56:24.360" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19357/13363&quot;&gt;the top answer&lt;/a&gt; that you should not directly tell this person. You state&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They don't know it but all the links and messages they posted really helped me and changed me a lot.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's also this person that helped me realize [...] that I'm on the autism spectrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and it's not clear whether you ever communicated this to them or not, but this would be a good place to start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Send the person a message and let them know how much they helped you, and how they helped you realise you're on the spectrum. While here, you can mention frustrations you had before you realised, and how they feel solved now (if they do). Talk about &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; you came to realise (I assume you were properly diagnosed).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you strongly believe this person may suspect they're on the spectrum, telling them about how they helped you and how you came to be diagnosed may actually push them to go get tested. Your journey may inspire them, or may give them strength to get checked out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should not ever directly mention that you suspect they're on the spectrum, even if they respond and you're chatting about it. Take this next part with a grain of salt: I don't see any harm in asking them if at the time they considered themselves to be on the spectrum. If you intend to ask, I would weave it in amongst other things, and not just directly ask that one question. So if they respond and ask about your situation and you talk more about it, you could ask if they thought they were on the spectrum, but don't say that you think they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I don't think it's wise to ask is if you're wrong: that person might believe you think they're an idiot (cause they don't understand someone sometimes, or because of other behaviours) and they don't have a disorder causing it, and then they might get really worried about what others think of them. Consider a skin condition or other physical condition instead: you ask someone if they have that particular condition (like a facial deformity), because it looks the same yours did, only to find out they don't have a disease and they will probably get upset and worry about how people perceive them. Of course not everyone will get upset, especially if you are truly friends, but being on the spectrum isn't life-threatening either, so you gamble telling them and maybe they get diagnosed and live more comfortably vs the risk of them not being aware and becoming extremely offended and paranoid. Not worth it IMO because words, once said, cannot be taken back, and we probably all have times in our lives where someone had said something about us that we remember clear as day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13363" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-16T07:07:06.687" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T07:07:06.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19389" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-16T02:09:44.430" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Also, I don't wish to say things like &quot;that's not relevant to this discussion&quot; because I'm a volunteer, not a teacher&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;STOP&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are there in a professional teaching capacity, regardless of your payment status, or why you are working, you may or may not have the qualifications for it, but you are most definitely a part of the teaching staff when it comes down to how you should be handling yourself in front of students. You should treat yourself no differently then other Young teachers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, this is super dangerous waters, you need to draw a HARD line with the students, THEY know already what they are doing is wrong, hell, it's probably the reason why they are attempting to tempt you that way, breaking taboo's is rebellious and fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's making you uncomfortable, you need to be absolutely honest but firm with them, showing weakness may cause the problem to get worse however it depends on your classroom control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you believe you have the gall for it, and the students are mature enough to understand, and the students &lt;strong&gt;truly want to be in the class&lt;/strong&gt;, address the students involved directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I make it clear that this isn't the right time or place to make such comments or questions and that they should be treating me professionally?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Please refrain from making comments like xyz, It can land both of us in a lot of trouble, and I would prefer to be treated a little more professionally, If the comments continue I will start removing you from the class (non-participation -&gt; removal for 1 session -&gt; detention -&gt; removal from program)&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt; This will &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; work if the students intentions are to get the class cancelled, get out of class, or get you both in trouble, and it's worth trying to work that out before taking action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for lying about having a partner, I'm not 100% sure it would help to lie (if the students are going to flirt with you regardless of you not being a student at the school, why would they care about cheating), but a way to answer that without lying is &quot;I'm not currently looking for a relationship&quot; Because you are not, you are in a classroom full of adolescents in a teaching capacity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14042" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T02:09:44.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19390" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-16T04:46:08.387" Score="11" ViewCount="782" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a group of friends, and we have been together for a while now where we meet once or twice a week, to play games together - D&amp;amp;D, board games, etc. It's a social event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, especially lately I've noticed that one person has started to lean in a certain direction when it comes to conversation - I'm having more and more issues trying to contribute to the conversation. I get ignored, or they talk over the top of me, and I feel like I'm forced to stop talking. I have been taught to wait for an opening to talk, or if someone else is talking, to stop and wait. But every time I do this, I still get cut off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't done anything to solve this, I have only seen how far this goes. It even got to the point where I had started talking, then they began talking, I didn't stop talking, to see if they would, but to no avail. And again, I was the one that was ignored.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am unsure of how to approach this - but it has been going on for several months now - I am unsure of why this has begun happening, or if anyone else has noticed the issue, or even who the cause of the issue is - myself or others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach the person, or the group in order to deal with this situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22605" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-16T15:11:56.043" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T12:47:31.540" Title="Dealing with people ignoring me, or talking over me" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19392" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19355" CreationDate="2018-10-16T07:16:00.610" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;ASD is a label but where you draw the line is pretty arbitrary. If your friend landed on the light side of the spectrum he is unlikely to recognize himself as autistic. Most of my weird friends don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was never officially diagnosed but my 5yo is. ASD would explain a lot about my father's weirdness and I would not rule myself out either. But what is the point?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know ASD can be very debilitating but we were lucky enough to just have some hard time socializing. All of my life I've been labeled as talented yet excentric. I like to think I'm just wired differently: in neurotypical persons the GPU of the brain is devoted to recognising faces and body signals. On my brain these structures serve to other purposes like drawing (for me it is as easy ad if the lines are already drew on the paper and I'm just stroking over them) or writing software. I'm pretty sure the first guy that learned how to make fire was a weirdo. Guys like Einstein, Edson and Da Vinci were weirdos too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I don't think he will be offended if you insinuate he is on the spectrum. In fact I think if he does not recognize himself in the spectrum he will just have a good laugh: aha, no, not me, no. So you have nothing to lose, he will either believe you or disregard you. If you are a friend you are entitled to your opinion. So just be candid about it, life is too short.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1906" LastEditorUserId="1906" LastEditDate="2018-10-16T12:38:36.880" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T12:38:36.880" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19394" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19390" CreationDate="2018-10-16T09:45:01.730" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know the particular situation quite well. Sometimes, things just get out of hand for no apparent reason or because one person had a bad day. For simplicity, let's call the person talking over you &amp;quot;Bob&amp;quot;. The reasons why Bob talks over you can be numerous and I don't know which one applies. A short list of possible reasons include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob is egocentric and wants to be the center of attention. Especially in Pen&amp;amp;Paper RPGs the more you talk, the more you influence the game, which puts Bob into a position of power.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob just got a &lt;em&gt;really funny&lt;/em&gt; idea and is &lt;em&gt;so excited&lt;/em&gt; that he cannot wait to blurt it out. He's behaving immaturely.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob wasn't raised the same way you were and doesn't see any fault in his behaviour.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob doesn't like you anymore and intentionally talks over you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Bob has a hearing deficiency and doesn't hear that you started talking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that it's extremely hard to change Bobs behaviour, especially if the rest of the group doesn't agree or care either way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suggest investigating why his behaviour changed that way. You can either ask him directly or ask your friends whether they noticed any changes in Bob's behaviour. If he disrupts your other friends as well, you can be reasonably sure that it's not a personal problem. If they tell you Bob talks badly about you behind your back, you can be reasonably sure it's personal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can address the situation with your friends. Don't make it about you, but about the general situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our games have been quite chaotic lately. You can barely voice any idea without being disrupted by the next idea. I'd like us to calm down a little and let everyone talk without disruptions. We'd have more fun that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With some luck, your friends will agree and start noticing Bob's behaviour during your games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next time, Bob talks over you, kindly ask him to let you finish speaking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I wasn't finished yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hold that thought for a minute, I wasn't finished.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could you please let me finish without disrupting?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friends agree that Bob's behaviour is rude or if Bob disrupts your friend as well, they might ask him to stop as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T12:47:31.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19395" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19283" CreationDate="2018-10-16T10:04:32.170" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Among the other answers I haven't seen the obvious thing:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Make an open and honest proposition.&lt;/strong&gt; At some time, maybe after some nice exchange over the desert, tell her that you enjoy her company so much and you feel for her so much and you have been sad every time when you parted ways the other times you spent together. Tell her exactly what it is you feel: You would like to invite her to spend the night together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That will &lt;em&gt;still&lt;/em&gt; be awkward to some degree, mostly because there is a looming possibility that you misread her and she'll be surprised and taken aback and say no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To deal with that awkwardness you could make it explicit as well, starting with: &quot;You know, I feel like on my first date but there is something I really have been wanting to tell you for a while ...&quot;. If she's on the same page she'll be touched because you are actually blushing and you are sincere and you &lt;em&gt;dared.&lt;/em&gt; Chances are she'll say &quot;I thought you'd never ask.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being sincere and honest is a good start into a relationship which is why I would not try to be manipulative or clever about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck :-).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4313" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T10:04:32.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19396" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19398" CreationDate="2018-10-16T11:08:48.407" Score="7" ViewCount="661" Body="&lt;p&gt;My example will be salary negotiations specific but I'd like to know how not to let other person dismiss you easily from negotiations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a few days I'm planning to renegotiate my salary with boss of my company. He is a charismatic and outspoken person, and I know from other people he is not very willing to give raises. On the other hand, I'm a rather quiet and reserved person, although I know that in controlled situations I can be assertive. The problem is this will be far from controlled situation for me and I'm afraid, that even though I have some good points on why would I deserve the raise I might get quickly shut off and dismissed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is, are there some techniques or things I can do, to prevent myself from being easily dismissed, to continue negotiations when I still have something to say and not let other person end it prematurely?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18755" LastEditorUserId="17872" LastEditDate="2018-10-16T16:47:41.910" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T19:39:32.597" Title="How not to get dismissed in a negotiations" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;negotiation&gt;&lt;jobs&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19397" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19390" CreationDate="2018-10-16T12:09:50.820" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This can happen - without bad intent - if you are one of the people who break their speech for a time longer than average, and you are talking to people who take a shorter break than average as a sign they can/should interrupt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So it &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; help if you try to speak with pauses as short as possible. If someone tries to speak while you speak, you don't stop but continue speaking, louder. This will help if others are just having different speaking habits than you. It won't help if they are not actually willing to listen to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking calm and quiet so that others need to focus to listen is also something that &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; help with some people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forget what you have been taught. Yes, it is right in principle, you should wait for an opening and not interrupt. The problem with this is that between people, the required length of the opening is different. So they will take the slightest pause in your speech as an opening to interrupt you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T12:09:50.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19398" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19396" CreationDate="2018-10-16T12:41:10.367" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Coming from another reserved person, make sure that you present the reasonings for why you should have a raise in terms of data; i.e., &quot;I have saved us $X dollars per year by...&quot;, &quot;I have performed very well which has resulted in customer queues dropping by X.X minutes&quot;, &quot;Here are several written compliments from customers about my work&quot;, &quot;With my education and experience the average salary for this position is&quot; and so on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Play to your strengths, which is not being a quiet, shy type, but rather by being analytical (or such that often applies to introverts). You can still negotiate with charismatic extroverts because it is hard to dismiss logical data. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The real issue, for me at least, is staying on track with an extrovert because it is common to be overwhelmed and side-tracked, which is a way of avoiding your talking points. I find it very important to remain composed, and keep reminding the other person that you would like to get back on track regarding your work performance, as well as your suggested raise. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But to answer your question regarding how not to get dismissed in negotiations: it is just as much the other parties' job to negotiate a raise (or plan, idea, etc.) as it is yours, so keep that in mind and do not be disheartened when (most likely) he shuts down your proposal and offers little-to-nothing. If you deserve a raise then you should have the data to back it up, so make sure to use it to find a middle-ground which both of you can agree on. It should be discussion rather than a yes/no. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are also, of course situations where the other party &lt;strong&gt;refuses&lt;/strong&gt; to back down, where no matter what you say, do or show will make him change his mind, and in those cases it is better to shop around for other oppertunities. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T12:41:10.367" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19400" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19326" CreationDate="2018-10-16T15:09:55.337" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As others have noted, it seems that your friend has seen to it that there is not much of a friendship left to end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that, I think that the most natural way to proceed is to simply let the relationship fade (even that phrasing is problematic, as the relationship seems to have &lt;em&gt;already&lt;/em&gt; faded). Importantly, it's not &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; that is ending the friendship, it's your erstwhile friend that has done so. You may have decided that you will no longer invest any of yourself in whatever relationship remains, but the idea that it's on you to formally end anything seems hard to support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For that reason I think it would be odd to reach out to your friend to declare that you agree the friendship is over. It would be sort of like you're not going to eat a cake any more when the cake has already been entirely eaten. If your friend tries to reach out to you again at some point it would be appropriate to decline that contact by explaining that the friendship is clearly over (whether you point out that that was due to your friend's behavior or not).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Closure is great, but this sounds like a situation that's already closed. There may still be some satisfaction in declaring your decision, and the reasoning behind it, to your friend. But in my personal experience, whatever it is you're looking to get from such an action, your friend will not provide it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T15:09:55.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19402" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19387" CreationDate="2018-10-16T16:16:28.350" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you are just trying to avoid shaking hands for a brief period, I don't think there is any need for you to tell the other party that you'd rather not shake hands. You don't need to explain why or you don't need to let them know you'd rather not shake hands. All you need to do is not shake hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing about hand shaking and initiating a hand shake is your body language. There are several cues you can read and understand if someone is trying to shake your hands. A little lean forward, an empty and unoccupied right hand, the distance between the two parties, to name a few. We can dig into these three in particular to demonstrate ways of avoiding the handshake:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Body language:&lt;/strong&gt; Stand up straight. Do not budge or twitch when being introduced to someone. Do not make them feel like you are getting ready to do something with your body. When I meet someone new, I observe if they are looking forward to a handshake or if they are trying to shake my hand. If they don't seem like they are, I completely avoid offering my hand and just do a lil wave and say &quot;Hi how are you&quot; with a big smile on my face. Project that image when meeting someone new. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Empty and unoccupied hand:&lt;/strong&gt; Have you considered maybe holding a coffee mug or a piece of paper or some &quot;report&quot; in your right hand? Make it seem like it is a lot of work to have to offer them your hand? I've always found myself waving to people who are holding something. I get that some people still offer their hand and expect you to make room in your right hand! But it reduces the chances of you having to slightly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Distance between the two parties:&lt;/strong&gt; Depending upon how close a party is, I may or may not offer my hand. If you stand far enough away, they usually would just wave. Make yourself just slightly inaccessible. Be sure not to completely cover yourself behind someone, but be the second in line, instead of right next to them. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few other situations where I see myself not offering a handshake to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Enthusiasm:&lt;/strong&gt; This is the weirdest one I've seen. If someone walks up to me enthusiastically and starts talking the minute I see them, it becomes so much more casual so much faster that there does not seem to be a need for a formal handshake. Something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The minute you see a new party, start talking to them AS YOU WALK UP TO THEM like so:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Hey you must be &quot;insert name&quot;, nice to meet you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Then just lead the way and walk them to wherever you need to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In a group setting, try to stand in the end of the group, the farthest away from the party being met. People usually stop shaking hands after the 3rd or 4th person.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In a one-on-one setting with a party that you've already had contact with, try to talk about something else instead of the usual &quot;hey nice to meet you&quot;. Not something really obscure or abstract, but something that rings a bell in the party's head that &quot;oh yeah this is that guy&quot;. A continuing joke maybe. A reference to something you've once told them. Something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: See, I told you I am a real person!! &lt;em&gt;Laugh&lt;/em&gt; How are you doing today &lt;em&gt;person name&lt;/em&gt;, was the drive OK for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bottomline, just distract them from the hand shake by your body language. Make them feel like there was no need for one at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps you and I hope your eczema goes away quickly! My wife is going through contact dermatitis on both her hands and it does not seem fun.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T16:16:28.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19403" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19390" CreationDate="2018-10-16T19:32:34.603" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had similar issues with a past co-worker who would tend to get excited talk over others increasing in volume as they went. I found the best way to take back control of the situation was like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;co-worker: but we can't just do that...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  me: [raises hand like to indicate stop] hang on a sec, why can't we?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  co-worker: I already told you! [starts back into rant]&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  me: whoa, whoa, let's just back track...  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here you're getting their attention visually to interject with what you want to say (hopefully this gets them to pause, if not you can repeat 'hang on' a few times as well). When you talk you should keep your voice calm and at a comfortable volume. If when they start talking again they go back to speaking louder that's when interjecting a second time becomes really effective, again keep your tone calm and slow down to draw their attention to the way you are speaking. I found that this almost guaranteed they calmed down their own tone and slowed down to be more open to discussion&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T19:32:34.603" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19404" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19396" CreationDate="2018-10-16T19:39:32.597" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The first thing to think about is whether this is really a negotiation, or whether you're just making a presentation asking for a raise.&#xA;Negotiations are about people who both have something to offer coming together and trading.  In a good negotiation both parties walk away from the negotiation thinking they are happy with the deal.&#xA;Salary discussions are sometimes negotiations and sometimes not.  It depends on things like whether you're likely to leave if you don't get the raise, and on whether there are things besides salary that might change your job happiness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of great negotiations courses out there that have some very valuable techniques for approaching negotiations; I've taken &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scotworkusa.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;the Scotwork course&lt;/a&gt; and found it valuable.  So if you find yourself with the time and money, going and finding a course is not a bad option.  But it sounds like you're looking for something more immediate.  So I'll summary some of the points I've learned and practiced:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Decide ahead of time what your limits are.  Will you look for another job if you don't get a raise?  What level of raise would make you happy?  What is your initial asking position; go in with that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have a wishlist of things that you would be willing to trade.  If you're offered an acceptable raise, but not as much as you want, have items to ask for that would make your job more favorable.  Would you like more vacation?  Would you like some slight changes in your job?  Would you like to commit to re-review your sallary in a specific time?  Would you like to have a explanation from your boss on what you'd have to do in order to get the raise you want.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Have a series of questions to ask.  These will mostly be to give you a chance to think, but they may well be valuable in and ofthemselves  to help you understand your boss.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Think about possible options and about how you'd feel with them.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do as much research as you can on what's typical for your company and industry to pay.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the negotiation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be open about what you want and whether you have to have it, but not as open about how much you want it.  &quot;I need a raise,&quot; might be a great way to phrase things if you plan to leave if you don't get a raise.  &quot;I'm looking for a raise,&quot; is something you should definitely say.  If you'd be interested in changing work hours if you don't get the raise or something like that, be sure to actually say that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you are getting off track and need a chance to think, ask one of your questions.  Regroup while you're listening to the answer and then try to bring things back on track.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you have to step back from one of your desired outcomes, be prepared to pull an item from your wishlist and ask for it.  &quot;It sounds like you can't give me what we both agree I'm worth this year.  If you will agree to reexamine my compensation in six months, I'd be happy with the number you quest quoted,&quot; might be an example.&#xA;The idea here is that you want to treat yourself as having value.  You try not to just capitulate and give things away for free, but instead have other proposals ready that you'd be happy with when your first option doesn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you need a bit more time to think, ask if you could go grab some water or go to the bathroom or similar.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22598" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T19:39:32.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19406" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19355" CreationDate="2018-10-16T20:05:11.323" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;OP Here&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I finally decided to go ahead and sent a private message to my Facebook friend. Here is a summary of what I have put into it (warning: everything was written in French, so this is a translation):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;First, I wrote a warning that I was unsure of how to tell them what I wanted to tell them and that I was sorry if it was clumsy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The aim of this first part was to make them more lenient and well dispose toward me. I don't know if it worked but that was the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I started the second paragraph by telling them that the message was mostly about thanking them. I followed by all the way they open my eyes and made me a better person thanks to all the links they shared.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The third paragraph was about how they helped me realize I was on the autism spectrum thanks to all the links they shared, how it took me a long time to go get an official diagnose and how it helped me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those two paragraphs above were about thanking them so that they would understand why I would want to help them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The fourth paragraph was about the fact that I knew they suspected that they were on the autism spectrum. I followed by telling them that I wouldn't have gone for an official diagnose if someone else didn't believe too that I was on the spectrum (because I didn't trust myself and because it sounded like a crazy idea). I told them that the person who diagnosed me told me that, for them, &amp;quot;tiredness is the key&amp;quot;. I then told my friend that I knew they had tiredness issues and all this was why, even if they didn't trust themselves and even if it sounded crazy, I was advising them to check it out (if it wasn't already done).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one was the hardest one to write. I guess we could summarize it like that: it's important to have someone who believes in you, I believe in you, go check if you are on the autism spectrum because it might be worth it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I finished by a fifth paragraph where I told them that I wish it wasn't too inappropriate of me to tell them that. I told them that I believe they were a wonderful person and that I cared about them and this was the reason (as well as their latest Facebook post) that triggered me to send this message to them. I finished by wishing them strength, courage and all the comfort I could give them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is basically me sending love via the internet to increase my chances that my message would be taken well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what my Facebook friend responded to my message:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ohlala it touches me very very much thank you!! ❤&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was then followed by them sharing a bit about where they were on the diagnose part (basically nowhere even though they strongly believed they are on the spectrum) and then we discussed for a while about our different experiences and how it was hard to find the energy to get a diagnose when we're having a full-time job/being a busy student.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I guess it went well, thank you all for your answers :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Warning&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For people who want to try to do the same thing, here is some important point which, I believe, could have changed the way things went:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I was myself on the spectrum (and I told them so)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I knew they had already thought about the possibility of being on the spectrum in the past&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I knew they had no negative prejudice against autism&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those three points are very important but I believe that the third one is the most important. If someone thinks &amp;quot;autism&amp;quot; is an insult and you tell them that they might be on the spectrum, be prepare for they to react &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; badly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second point is important because, if the person never thought of that before, it might come as a bit of a choc. It's not a reason to not talk to them about that (quite the opposite, if you ask me) but it's a reason to be extra careful when doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the first point, I believe that the fact that I was on the spectrum show that I wasn't trying to insult them and that I wasn't thinking of them as some inferior (which might happen if someone not in the spectrum says that to someone. If this is your case, you may want to reassure your friend that being on the autism spectrum doesn't mean being &amp;quot;less&amp;quot;, it just means being different).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T05:03:51.990" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19407" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19387" CreationDate="2018-10-16T20:28:57.857" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you believe that this is not something that will last a long time, then a fairly appropriate response to a request for a handshake is &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I apologize, I was a bit sick, so I'm being careful.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's generally understood that people may take extra care not to get others around them sick, and avoiding handshakes is a very common part of that. Say it casually and positively, carry on with the conversation, and they aren't likely to ask further questions. If you suspect that they may see your condition, you may need to offer a more pointed explanation, such as &quot;I have a temporary hand rash.&quot; A temporary rash may be anything. It could be a burn or poison ivy, which would hurt or itch if you shook hands. You could even give them that white lie - &quot;sorry, handled some poison ivy recently,&quot; although I'm guessing that won't be necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9999" LastActivityDate="2018-10-16T20:28:57.857" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19410" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19411" CreationDate="2018-10-17T02:32:48.157" Score="2" ViewCount="327" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a male freshman in university, and don't have many friends as my modules are mostly taught in a flipped classroom fashion. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a module I'm taking right now and since I have been struggling academically for awhile now, I am always the last of my tutorial group to vacate the venue due to the huge amount of questions I have regarding the material. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is this particular guy who always comes early but is from the next tutorial group that shares the same tutor. We have met a few times as the seating arrangement in class is pretty much fixed and he is always waiting for me to pack up. He has started a conversation a few times like &quot;How do you find this module?&quot; and I kept making my conversations short, firstly because I should get going in my situation, secondly because I do not really know this guy as a friend or even an acquaintance, thirdly it's because I'm an introvert who often finds continuing usual conversations difficult, much more for awkward ones with strangers. We didn't even exchange names but he always talks as if we know each other. The only commonality we share is perhaps having the same tutor and having the same seat, in different time slots.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the event of such similar encounters, what would be the appropriate action?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22618" LastEditorUserId="22618" LastEditDate="2018-10-17T03:02:18.547" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T04:12:02.013" Title="How should I converse with a stranger" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;school&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-10-17T13:14:57.927" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19411" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19410" CreationDate="2018-10-17T04:12:02.013" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do you feel uncomfortable with this smalltalk?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;You don't like it&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then keep saying trivial things like &quot;yes I like it&quot; and leave, you have a reason to leave and noone can feel insulted if you don't keep talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;You like it&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am someone who also can't create interesting smalltalk out of nowhere. There is no sense in trying to do smalltalk like a pro if you don't feel like one. Listen to some smalltalk that people do, a lot could simply be left unsaid without any harm to the world :-)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I see perfect conditions in this situation for you to talk to this person because&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You have a common subject. If you discuss questions after class when he comes in, he can share this conversation. &quot;Do you have the same class now?&quot; or &quot;What do you think?&quot; easily involves him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As you should leave and he starts his new class, there is not endless time left. There is no pressure for you to keep a conversation going on and on... If you run out of words, say &quot;ok see you next time&quot; and leave.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If somewhen you feel like talking more to him and he really shares the same class then ask if he has more time to continue.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Find a defined subject to talk, for example what you started to talk when time cut you off. Perhaps you can explain things to each other about class that one of you didn't understand.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If your schedule allows find a short break after which you have to leave again, this provides a reason to &quot;escape&quot; and reduces awkward moments for you. Then you will see how things evolve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Never forget: if this doesn't lead to a new &quot;friedship&quot; - that's life, not your fault. Then things are the same as they are now - not worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T04:12:02.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19412" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-17T05:38:20.073" Score="5" ViewCount="1065" Body="&lt;p&gt;Personally, I am a 21-year-old male, and my family consists of my mum, dad and a younger brother aged 17.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To provide an overall context of my family before I talk about the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Analysis of involved characters&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Might contain certain levels of bias)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Myself&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extremely academically driven, willing to work hard for the grades (Mainly interested in the field of Mathematics but not a prodigy in it, doesn’t fair well in linguistic subjects like global relations or possibly literature)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Freshman in a Computer Science course (Enrolled because it’s the course that my entry points could enter yet prospects are believed to be good, slight interest in programming though zero knowledge in tech trends and not IT savvy at all, and the belief that Computer Science is a subset of Mathematics and my skills might be relevant)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Not fairing well academically (50 percentile for all modules taken this semester, maybe due to lack of adaptation to new undergraduate life and employing of wrong study techniques from my previous education system or the major is filled with talents)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lacking of all practical skills (Financial literacy and value assessment, handyman skills that every independent man should possess and interpersonal skills between people (I’m an introvert that just gets nervous talking to anyone)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Younger brother&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Totally not academically driven, puts in the minimum effort yet still expects the rewards to be high and then rants about it later on. Simply put, happy-go-lucky.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(When one is lagging behind on the syallabus, and still intends to try for a good grade, of course the logical thing to do is to put in extra time for the subject. However, when my brother meets with this scenario, it seems like he doesn't put in that effort as I always catch him napping for more than 8 hours a day and assume he isn't the sort to wake up during wee hours to study since he's generally a sleep lover. He would just pray hard that the untouched topics, which is apparently a huge chunk, doesn't appear in the exam. After the end of the exam, he still harbours high expectations about his exam outcome and rants about it when the actual results are out, when he knows clearly he didn't even put in the minimal effort like what anyone would have done to deserve a good grade.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently did very badly overall for all modules in a major examination in high school and wanted a change in specialisation to Engineering just because he thinks everyone there can graduate easily without much effort and has a lot of job prospects, even when he once said he dreaded it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is extremely tech-savvy compared to me, might be a better Computer Science candidate as opposed to me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Better financial literacy, better handyman skills, maybe better interpersonal skills? (He can talk a lot with other people including strangers, but I find his topics to be directed only towards making fun of/devaluing the other person and he just keep repeating the process and the other person happens to always be the tolerant kind)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dad&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Main breadwinner of the family through an active job, hence is too busy to take care about family problems and usually intervenes only when he deems necessary (For the current problem to be stated, he doesn’t find the need to intervene directly)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Very good financial literacy and handyman skills, since he was previously an engineer before switching to a managerial position elsewhere and was brought up under a family situation which forces everyone to be independent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No emphasis on grades, but wants everyone to possess the same independence level as him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually asks my younger brother “How to” problems regarding technology devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mum&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obtains income from a passive source, leading a carefree life which involves seeking shopping and other entertainment venues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fairly good financial literacy, but depends on my dad for almost anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like my dad, no emphasis on grades.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like my dad, usually asks my younger brother “How to” problems regarding technology devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The Problem which snowballed after a decade long&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family lives in an Asian society where education seems glamourizing. Since young, even though my family doesn’t really actively compare our grades, from my perspective my brother seems to somehow be really bothered by the difference in our academic abilities, and also perhaps some small privileges I might get as the older brother. This is just a single possible scenario, it could also be the complete opposite: He's full of himself. I will just talk about the former case for now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recall an event when he first turned 12 and was about to transition into a new school. He consulted my mum about some academic matter, and of course my mum asked me to join the conversation since I have been through the same transition phase. I just gave my opinion on the corresponding matter and tried to help. Back then when he still bothered talking, he explicitly said I'm nosy and should just mind my own business. Now that I think back from his perspective, maybe he thinks &amp;quot;I'm devaluing him&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In his later year of growing up, he has become quite cold towards me or even bear some sort of grudges towards me, avoiding to ask help from me as much as possible even when he clearly needs it. He doesn’t even look me in the eye whenever I talk to him and keeps all conversation as short as possible, and if he had to take something (maybe pepper or instant noodles) of which happens to be more convenient by asking me to do it, he would rather do it himself. Sometimes I could unintentionally hear him hissing bad remarks behind my back as a way to vent his frustration after he got some kind of unfair share of a deal from his perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At first the problem didn't really bothered anyone in the family and everyone just continued being involved in their own lives, until concerning relatives or friends start questioning such weird behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some recent examples include a monthly gathering over dinner with my cousins. My brother would always wait for me to sit down first, and intentionally choose to sit at the seat furthest away from me. My cousins will always question me when my brother is away for awhile like what happened recently, and I would find it awkward to reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Gradually, he closes his heart away from the entire family since I always raise my problems directly to them and they would gladly resolve it, and maybe my brother hates my “robbing of attention” and simultaneously feels that my parents need him more than the other direction and hence instills a mindset of “being superior compared to everyone else”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To my parents, they don’t see my brother as having as much problems as compared to me (though I don’t completely deny that), so this should rule out the possibility that the cause of my brother's intention of closure is actually that I'm comparatively better than him according to my parents(In fact it's the complete reverse). If it was the other scenario, I cannot even reason why he's showing such signs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They also think I, as the older brother, should be responsible for resolving the “decade long Cold War” between us (which clearly I’m not good at doing) and they don’t seem to be doing anything to help make that bridge happen. This is one of the things that they have been nagging me to do and it’s getting really annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don’t deny I don’t have my own problems too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I have a discussion with my brother in order to &amp;quot;make peace&amp;quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22618" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T16:28:44.827" Title="How can I make peace with my younger brother" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19413" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19412" CreationDate="2018-10-17T08:48:01.747" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will tell you about my situation, which I hope can help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a younger sister, and we hated each other. Whenever we talk to each other, it was just to hurt each other. &#xA;For some reasons, I wanted, like you, to improve our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What worked for me is &lt;strong&gt;attention&lt;/strong&gt;. I offer my attention to my sister, about her daily problems, concerns and happy moments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And this is life-changing. Of course at first it was really awkward (I still felt resentment at that moment, so being interested in her life was difficult and not natural). But now, I can say my relationship with her is completely different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe this approach can work for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is that your brother has its own role in the family, and you have your. But the role of a little brother can be much harder and ungrateful, especially if you are seen as more &quot;successful&quot;. You then become the first, the best and the chosen one, while he might feel that he is only here to help with some tech problems. (Of course I choose exaggerated words, but try to walk a mile in his boot).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you should do is making him feels revalued. Instead of looking on internet for a tech problem, go ask his help. After he helps, thanks him and most of all, try to get interested, ask him how does he know so many stuff, where he learns, etc...&#xA;(In your description, you said that your mom/dad often ask his help, but you don't. Even if you feel you do, it's not enough :))&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At dinner time, keep some discussion time to entirely focused on him. Be curious about him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, at first, he will be closed, and not really want to talk with you. But be consistent, it's a matter of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Another thing that help my relationship is a discussion room between all the family. Create a chatting room with your family member, and casually share pictures / thought during the day. At first you might be the only one, but one moment he might come to do the same. At that moment, be sure to react and discuss about what he says, showing you grant him your all attention&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17897" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T08:48:01.747" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19414" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19412" CreationDate="2018-10-17T09:24:05.107" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;From the way you describe yourself, I would say you seem quite a &lt;em&gt;humble&lt;/em&gt; person. You are honest about your own problems and shortcomings. I can't see that you have done anything to give your brother the impression that you think yourself to be superior to him or anyone else. What your brother has are &lt;em&gt;insecurities&lt;/em&gt; about himself, and he is directing the anger that stems from that against you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Many insecurities can he helped by &lt;em&gt;reassurance&lt;/em&gt;. For example, telling someone who feels unloved that you love them can help. However, &lt;em&gt;platitudes&lt;/em&gt; do not usually help. That is if somebody has really convinced themselves that a problem exists they need &lt;em&gt;evidence&lt;/em&gt; to prove otherwise. For example, a policeman shouting &quot;&lt;em&gt;there's no need to panic&lt;/em&gt;&quot; will actually be interpreted by most people as &quot;&lt;em&gt;there is something to panic about, he's just not telling us&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you do need to talk to your brother, but likely you are going to need to do &lt;em&gt;more than just tell him&lt;/em&gt; that no rivalry exists between you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As has been said in another answer, you need to show him attention, that is give him your time. A single conversation probably won't fix things. Is there something that you used to enjoy doing together? Some kind of activity? When you go out to play a sport, watch a movie, have a meal or a drink together, you are out together as &lt;em&gt;equals&lt;/em&gt;. It will help him focus less on your day-to-day activities where you are academic and he is not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might start by suggesting that you do something together. He may be surprised, but accept. If he does, then you could find a good time later to discuss your past problems. If on the other hand he refuses right there, it could be a time to have the discussion there and then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really miss the relationship that we used to have. I don't understand why you are so cold to me these days. We are brothers. I love you, and I view you as an equal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that something like this focuses on the positives and the truth about how you feel. I think at this stage you should avoid raising what &lt;em&gt;you think&lt;/em&gt; might be his problem. Let him bring that up if he wants to. If he does, that is good because you can finally talk it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can both agree to move forward, make sure you continue to give him attention and make time for activities where you are together as equals. Also, are there some things about which you could go to him for help? Don't manufacture a fake situation - but could he help you with something he is good at and you are not? If you learn to &lt;em&gt;rely&lt;/em&gt; on him a little it could boost his self-worth and show him that you respect his abilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your parents would support you both in whatever you choose to pursue. I don't think you do get &quot;benefits&quot; for being the older son - you just hit certain milestones first. I'm sure that if your brother &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; identical to you and pursued the same academic path he would get identical treatment from them. This may be worth noting to him if he brings up the subject of favouritism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-10-17T09:26:27.127" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T09:26:27.127" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19415" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-17T10:15:12.490" Score="20" ViewCount="1240" Body="&lt;p&gt;I just experienced a difficult situation and I did not know how to react. My SO and me have a pet hamster that showed some worrying behavior and might have to be put down. She is very attached to him and she started worrying and crying intensely. While I like the hamster, I am not really emotionally attached. What made the situation worse is that she always projects the future negative while I project it positive. So for her he was already dead and for me he just had a small thing that a vet would be able to fix in no time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I don't know the future, but when he eventually dies I can see questions coming up like why are you not sad? Did he mean nothing to you? &#xA;How can I prepare for this event and also show her that I care &lt;strong&gt;about her&lt;/strong&gt; and her wellbeing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I saw &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2944/appropriate-reactions-to-people-who-recently-lost-their-pet&quot;&gt;this question&lt;/a&gt; which is great and gave me some further reading. But most advice is written for outsiders and not really shared pets. Also the main point is listening to the person. While I did that in the above mentioned situation for most she was just crying and not saying anything, which makes listening hard. I also did not really know what to say, I thought of the obvious also mentioned in an article in the question of what not to do: &quot;Like you could get a new one&quot;, but did not say it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main problem is that I have the feelings of an outsider but the role of an insider(since the pet is shared) which makes anything I say like &quot;I am so sad about this&quot; fake or &quot;My condolesence&quot; too distant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I tried so far is just holding her and not saying much. I just said &quot;That it will be fine&quot; but this definitely won't help when he actually dies. Is there something more I could do than just physical contact, that could help her with her emotions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11118" LastEditorUserId="11118" LastEditDate="2018-10-18T09:25:34.833" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T17:30:52.190" Title="How to handle emotional expectation about an animals death, I do not fulfill?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;grief&gt;&lt;pets&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19416" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19415" CreationDate="2018-10-17T12:46:39.127" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some general advice about the situation without knowing the specifics of your relationship with your girlfriend. These are just things that have worked for me in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't avert the subject of the pet being ill. If she wants to talk about it acknowledge and validate her feelings. If she is being scared or sad about the situation then that's just the situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to use techniques for feeling more control together - for example reading about what the pet might be suffering from and learning about it together. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Treat bereavement with respect. It is a strong feeling.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Savour the nice moments you had together with the pet and focus on things she has done to improve the pet's life and situation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider techniques that help with the accompanying stress such as somatic breathing or meditation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be supportive, her grief or sadness is not something you need to &quot;solve&quot;, focus on being there for her, hearing her out and gently suggesting alternatives.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure to support other aspects of her life during this period so that they are well maintained. Namely that she sleeps well, eats nutritious food, exercises (if she normally does) etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be watchful but non judgmental of harmful coping behaviours (such as excessive rumination).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T12:46:39.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19417" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19415" CreationDate="2018-10-17T12:53:36.617" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've gone through this &quot;from the other side&quot; as the person who was very, very attached to my dog.  My fiance liked my dog, but wasn't nearly as attached.  I understand where your girlfriend is coming from because as my dog aged, I could see what was coming, and it made me sad to think my friend would be gone at some point.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Losing a beloved pet painful, gut wrenching, and it doesn't go away quickly.  I still get sad when I see reminders.  Garbage bags make me sad because I used little ones to pick up after her.  I'm sad I don't have to get up at 3am to wake her up and get her outside because she couldn't make it through the night anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What my fiance did was be there for me.  Not tell me it was ok or anything like that, just hold me and comfort me.  Don't try to fake it, don't pretend you are as sad as she is.  On some level she understands that her friend has a special place in her heart that isn't there for you, and if she's like most pet owners, that's ok.  You can be sad &lt;strong&gt;for her&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't &lt;strong&gt;say&lt;/strong&gt; anything that's going to fix it or make better.  If you lost your best friend, someone your girlfriend knew but wasn't particularly close to, you wouldn't expect her to mourn in the way you would.  What would help you?  Probably someone who is understanding that you are going through a trying, emotional time.  Little things like bringing a cup of tea or taking a walk together.  Think of it that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-10-17T13:09:40.543" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T13:09:40.543" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19418" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19415" CreationDate="2018-10-17T12:58:57.163" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know you say that the way you may feel about the animal's death may prompt questions about how you feel about your SO, but unless she has already expressed a concern that you don't love her, really the only thing you should need to explain is your feelings for the animal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is impossible for anyone to tell you how to express something that you feel, so the first step is for you to find a &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; to explain it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can sort of relate to this. I love animals, I really do. Animal cruelty and intense farming concern me so much that it made me stop eating meat. But when it comes to pets and natural deaths from old age or illness I am not deeply affected emotionally. Personally, I see flora and fauna the same way - flowers and trees bloom in the spring, then they die back, and new ones grow. Likewise, to me, animals generally have a short lifespan compared to humans so I expect to see them die but get joy from seeing newborns and the cycle starting again. And on top of that, I believe we have a duty to care for flora and fauna that is in our care - and that covers taking care of our planet's ecology but also taking good care of any pets we choose to bring into our homes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, that's just the way &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; think, I don't want to put words in your mouth! But I've put this across to a few people in the past and they have understood my point of view. I notice that you said you &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; the animal... and I assume that you contribute at least in some way to its wellbeing? Perhaps you take a share in feeding, cleaning etc? If so then you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; care for the animal, and this proves it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your SO does show concern over your behaviour if and when the pet dies, you could perhaps say something &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I did care very much for [pet name]. I hope that I showed that by the way I took a share in caring for him. I guess I just accept animal deaths better than some people. When you take on a pet with a short lifespsan it is inevitable that it will die. I try to show that I care about it during its &lt;em&gt;life&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T12:58:57.163" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19419" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19412" CreationDate="2018-10-17T12:59:53.210" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you say things like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Totally not academically driven, puts in the minimum effort yet still expects the rewards to be high and then rants about it later on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you think your brother sees it the same way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People (and kids in particular) can be very good at picking up who believes in them as people and who holds negative ideas about their character.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the way your question is written I can tell that you care deeply about your brother and love him on one hand but there is no mutual trust between you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might be misinterpreting but it sounds from your perspective that your brother does not believe you are on &quot;his side&quot; and thinks that it's an adversarial situation. When you say things like &quot;puts in the minimum effort and still expects the rewards to be high&quot; I think it might undermine trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your brother needs your family to be available emotionally to hear him out and instead you're always trying to fix problems for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would consider trying to genuinely do your best to be on his side. It's not your job to fix him or change him nor is it to give him career advice. I do think there is value in establishing a relationship with him that rewards trust and loving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As some general trust-building advice (a lot of it also written in the other (good) answers here):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Apologize for not being emotionally available to your brother and make a commitment to do better. That is - own up to yourself and then to your brother for trying to fix things for him rather than being there for him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make yourself genuinely available for discussion. You can do this for example by  telling him &quot;Hey, if you ever need to talk about something just the two of us, you're my brother and I love you and I'm here for you&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do not judge him for being &quot;lazy&quot;. Instead whenever he puts effort into something call him out on it (positively) and compliment him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Start doing nice things for him that show you care (which you do) while acknowledging his independence and difference from you. If he plays a sport start showing up to his games, if he likes a certain computer game buy him an expansion, if he likes cooking buy him a utensil etc. These don't need to be expensive or two time consuming.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a disclaimer, I might be reading this wrong - so take care when applying the advice above. If you have any doubts about the mental state of your brother please speak to a mental health professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="4527" LastEditDate="2018-10-17T13:32:15.343" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T13:32:15.343" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19421" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-10-17T13:41:39.540" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="3181" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2018-10-17T13:41:39.540" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T13:41:39.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19422" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-10-17T13:41:39.540" Score="0" Body="For questions on how to deal with other people when you or they have recently suffered a loss." OwnerUserId="3181" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2018-10-17T13:41:39.540" LastActivityDate="2018-10-17T13:41:39.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19428" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19355" CreationDate="2018-10-18T04:10:34.340" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;For several reasons&lt;/strong&gt;, this is the type of situation that is probably not going anywhere. There are two possibilities when it comes to your skill level with this topic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you are not trained to diagnose mental issues, which I assume you are not from the lack of mention, it is not appropriate for you to be suggesting a specific diagnosis.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you ARE trained to diagnose mental issues, it is inappropriate for you to be involved because you have a personal relationship with this person.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In either case&lt;/strong&gt;, let it be. People have friends, family, and therapists to help them with these issues. More importantly, part of our journey in life is recognizing and fighting our own demons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You see, it isn't the knowledge&lt;/strong&gt; that is the important thing. It is this personal battle with the trials of our lives that is the important part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Whether this person knows&lt;/strong&gt; they have an issue, chooses to admit it, chooses to share it with you, chooses to seek sympathy instead, chooses to change, or chooses to stay the same ... that is all their personal journey. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You cannot cheat someone&lt;/strong&gt; out of this experience and expect it to work out well. The most important challenge we all face is living our own lives in the company of our own difficulties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No matter what you do&lt;/strong&gt;, you will not be 'helping' anyone feel better except yourself. The only respectful choice is to enjoy the friendship you have with this person, listen kindly to their difficulties, and abstain from offering unsolicited advice. This is true of any good relationship with appropriate boundaries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The important question is: why do you feel so compelled to get this involved with fixing someone else and narrating their personal journey?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18633" LastActivityDate="2018-10-18T04:10:34.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19429" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19431" CreationDate="2018-10-18T08:37:24.237" Score="20" ViewCount="10851" Body="&lt;p&gt;Might be a weird questions, but I'm really confused. A good female friend of mine (I'm male) recently suggested we should cuddle, after we talked about how both of us feel rather lonely at the moment. That actually sounds good to me, I'd really enjoy holding someone in my arms again since I'm pretty much always single.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: Her boyfriend works far away and is only at home at the weekend, and he is totally okay with the idea. They trust each other and he knows me and knows I would never try to &quot;steal her&quot;. However, I'd like to deal with this non-romantic because of that. I respect them being in a relationship and have no romantic interest in her at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there any sort of etiquette for cuddling like in a just-friends (platonic) way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="11936" LastEditDate="2018-10-19T04:08:07.297" LastActivityDate="2018-12-22T17:38:55.953" Title="Friendly Cuddling, in a non-romantic way" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19430" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="18163" CreationDate="2018-10-18T08:42:48.110" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In Sweden, the &quot;correct&quot; way to handle a situation like this is saying (non-threatening, just stating neutrally): &quot;Hej, ursäkta mig, men nu går du före i kön&quot; (Hi, sorry, but you are cutting in line) loud enough for them and others in line to hear. Avoid physical contact because it easily escalates the situation because they get more defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they act like they do not hear you, then you and everyone around them silently judges them. If they respond violently, de-escalate the situation and ask the cashier (when it is your turn to order and they are not within earshout) to speak to their manager, then let them know that they cut in line and responded very aggressively so they can handle it in a way they deem appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-10-18T08:42:48.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19431" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19429" CreationDate="2018-10-18T08:51:47.843" Score="40" Body="&lt;p&gt;Maybe I can help a bit. I'm in the same situation, just on the other side. I'm in a very happy relationship and I'm regularly cuddling with one of my male friends. My boyfriend is completely fine with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is (like always) communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, your friend should talk to her partner about boundaries. How much physical contact is okay for him and what's crossing a line. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When that's done you should talk to her about the same things. Make sure you're on the same page. For example, my friend's boundary is me hearing his heartbeat while cuddling so I make sure that doesn't happen. Things like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally you might want to reevaluate the situation now and then. Your friend should check back with her boyfriend regularly and you should talk to each other about it now and then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another important thing is making sure you're really okay with it being purely platonic. If you start feeling like it's more than that, take a step back and talk to her about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally I can only say that (to me) physical contact isn't in itself sexual and bonding with a friend like this is extremely rewarding, especially when you know it helps the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in summary: communicate, stay respectful and enjoy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22631" LastEditorUserId="22631" LastEditDate="2018-10-18T09:02:24.003" LastActivityDate="2018-10-18T09:02:24.003" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19432" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19356" CreationDate="2018-10-18T10:07:13.720" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you think they are just asking out of politeness and really just want to get on to the subject of what &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; did at the weekend then it really doesn't matter too much what you say. So some brief, truthful answers you could give might be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Mainly reading. What about you?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;I just spent time on my hobbies. What about you?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Just relaxing. What about you?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you include asking about their weekend then you quickly move the conversation along and it is less likely they will quiz you as to what &quot;relaxing&quot; included, or what your &quot;hobbies&quot; are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having said that, maybe by hiding your interests you are keeping yourself trapped in a cycle of facing this question every week. If you are transparent and let your colleagues know what you are interested in and how you like to spend your time then chance are they will ask you less, or not be surprised when they ask and you repeat the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are embarrassed about your choices of recreation then when you describe them you will sound introverted  - which I know you say you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt;, but there are more positive ways of looking at this. If you really enjoy reading and learning in your spare time then present this in an enthusiastic way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really enjoy reading and learning new things, so I spend most of spare time doing that. I have lots of personal projects on the go. That takes up most of my weekend. I love it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that people only &quot;judge&quot; if they see something unusual. If you present what you did in a joyless way they will find it unusual that someone would spend time doing things that did not bring them enjoyment. But if you really do &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; to do these things and &lt;em&gt;choose&lt;/em&gt; to do them on the weekend, &lt;em&gt;show&lt;/em&gt; that you enjoy it and then it won't seem so unusual. And if you do get jokes or comments about your choices, try and laugh them off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have used this anecdote in an answer before but I feel it is apt - I used to work with someone who spent his weekends riding on trains. He spent a year hiding that from everybody, and people thought he was &quot;strange&quot; because it was obvious he was dodging questions about where he was going and what he was doing. But when he finally explained it, even though people didn't understand the appeal, they were &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; accepting of him because they understood &lt;em&gt;him&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-10-18T10:17:55.060" LastActivityDate="2018-10-18T10:17:55.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19434" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19435" CreationDate="2018-10-18T14:44:20.247" Score="7" ViewCount="878" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I am in a band consisting of 5 people: 2 guitarists, the drummer, the bassist and a vocalist (might be worth mentioning that the guitarists are brothers that only tend to see each other at practice). Due to the style of music we play we pretty much need everyone there to practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We meet up twice a week up to practice or write new songs and play gigs roughly once every two weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We decided together that we would practice on Thursday evenings at 6:00PM after work and on Sundays because all of us were free at that time. This was working out fine until recently. &#xA;One of the guitarists (I'll call him X) keeps showing up late to practices by 2 or 3 hours, or not turning up at all. X also makes it to every gig but barely and has caused us to not be able to have a sound check. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Each time he's late/doesn't show up he sends us a message stating that something has come up. This has been happening consistently for the last 3 months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now we don't want to kick X out of the band as he's clearly talented and brings a lot to the band when he's here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, what would be the best way to express that this kind of behavior can't continue without it negatively affecting the band/music?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit:&#xA;We've spoken to X a few times about the issue and he usually just apologizes and insists that it won't keep happening.  It seems as though he wants to stay in the band as he keeps pushing us to get more live shows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3208" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-10-19T11:06:04.030" LastActivityDate="2020-01-27T13:53:05.030" Title="How to politely ask a band member to stop being late/ditching last minute?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;music&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19435" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19434" CreationDate="2018-10-18T15:15:35.290" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all - I am only projecting my personal experience and that of friends and what worked for me here - YMMV.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try to address it with him directly and privately:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey X, can we talk about band practice?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I would follow up with a bland and &lt;em&gt;objective&lt;/em&gt; representation of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Our music requires everyone to be coordinated and be there at the same time to practice. When not everyone is at the same place at the same time we are unable to practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that the actual facts of the issue are stated (rather than laying blame on X, even if X is to blame).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, I would contrast and frame the issue with how you value X:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think you are a talented musician and I appreciate you and your art. I think the band is better when all of us work together and I think you bring a lot to the band.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that some people have a hard time giving compliments in person - so make sure you practice if this is a problem for you. Then I would raise the objective &lt;em&gt;specific&lt;/em&gt; issue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In the past few times we haven't been able to to schedule a time to practice together. In addition we have missed a sound check. This bothers me because I care a lot about our band.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stay concrete, bland and non-judgmental. This isn't about &quot;X being wrong&quot; this is about &quot;figuring out how to work together in a way both sides are good with&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then ask about what to do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What do you think band members can do better in terms of scheduling or otherwise so that we are all able to make it in time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or alternatively, ask directly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In the past 3 times you arrived late to practice. Why is that and what can we do to help?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to not make this about X being wrong, X being a person who is late or even X being late in the last few meetings. It is important to keep this about &quot;how the band can meet and practice in time&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important that X feels safe in this discussion so that it doesn't turn into an argument. It is not your place to educate X as a friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since X is a friend I would also consider asking him how he's doing out of context since people suddenly starting to be late can be a symptom of other (more severe) issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="4527" LastEditDate="2018-10-20T16:17:11.290" LastActivityDate="2018-10-20T16:17:11.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19436" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19429" CreationDate="2018-10-18T15:31:21.800" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;Make sure &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are OK with cuddling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Getting affection from a female friend* can be very confusing and as someone who doesn't have a lot of relationship experience according to you it is important you make sure you are OK with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If something like this makes you feel uncomfortable you don't have to do it (even if you like the affection). You deserve to be loved and you deserve to be happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think it jeopardises your wellbeing then you don't have to do it even if it's fun. You can work towards relationships that are intimate and meaningful to you. In my experience being in an CNR (Consensually Nonmonogamous Relationship) requires &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;a lot&lt;/em&gt; of boundaries&lt;/strong&gt;, maturity, relationship experience and even then it's a lot of work for it to not be stressful. Some people can make it work, that doesn't mean it's right for everyone - it might be and it might not be right for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if the touch isn't sexual (or intimate) to her, it might feel that way to you (and it's totally legitimate if you feel that way).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are absolutely OK with cuddling, genuinely have no romantic interest and can set up clear boundaries then the answer by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19431/&quot;&gt;user4308&lt;/a&gt; is good. I especially like the emphasis on communication. Just make sure that this is right for &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;(* or more generally, someone you are attracted to)&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-18T16:39:26.253" LastActivityDate="2018-10-18T16:39:26.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19437" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19434" CreationDate="2018-10-18T17:21:01.613" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;For myself in these situations I tend to try at first to focus on the problem rather than the result. Here the result is that this band member is late or missing, but the problem is that they say they have been having something come up that takes them away from the band. Focus on trying to find out what that something is that keeps coming up, if you can resolve that then that should solve them being late or missing.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your band mate won't explain what it is that keeps coming up try to see if maybe their schedule has changed and a different day would be better for them so whatever was coming up won't block them. Otherwise if they do explain what it is coming up in addition to this if applicable you can try to help them with the issue(s) so that they can attend regularly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-10-18T17:21:01.613" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19439" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19429" CreationDate="2018-10-19T07:40:40.140" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;As an addition to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19431/&quot;&gt;user4308&lt;/a&gt;'s excellent answer:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is an organized form of non-romantic cuddling, called &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuddle_party&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;cuddle party&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, which might be helpful to you to explore this form of cuddling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These parties typically organize a room that is suitably quiet and private, and have someone who explains the ground rules and boundaries (no touching of private areas, asking for permission before touching etc.), and makes sure everyone follows them and has a good time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are usually multiple people present (a small group typically), and you are free to choose who to cuddle with or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The setting is obviously different from cuddling with a single person you already know, but the rules and boundaries they use, and the experience you gain there (if you choose to go) may help you with finding your and others' personal desires and boundaries and communicating them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1775" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-19T07:58:30.837" LastActivityDate="2018-10-19T07:58:30.837" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19440" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19356" CreationDate="2018-10-19T08:10:30.153" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can you address to those questions in a way that it'll be polite, but acknowledge them you are not fine answering those question over and over again?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know much about the culture where you live, but this question is really common where I do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest, first of all, not to give it that much of importance. An easy way to avoid talking about personal stuff you did during the weekend, whether it was work/learning/fun, is a simple answer:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Colleague: What did you do for the weekend?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: You know, regular stuff, relaxing. What about you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that, when you reply like this for two to three times, your colleagues should eventually understand that you'll never give up details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, this way you'll actually give an answer, without giving up any personal details and throw the ball back at your colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17144" LastActivityDate="2018-10-19T08:10:30.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19441" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19442" CreationDate="2018-10-19T10:06:43.000" Score="8" ViewCount="683" Body="&lt;p&gt;Three of us at the table having dinner. A buddy is talking in a &lt;strong&gt;long-winded&lt;/strong&gt; way about a business idea he has. The idea is pretty unoriginal (import anything from China and sell it on Amazon). As he has no actual experience in the area, there is little insight he can offer. Why talk about this so long?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My buddy, like everyone else, needs to be respected and heard out. Just because someone might be at a different level in say business thinking, he still deserves to be respected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I balance the above with my &lt;strong&gt;instinct to shoot him down&lt;/strong&gt;. I must admit I do tend to be overly critical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do I steer the conversation in a new direction where he has more interesting things to say? I don't want to offend him... I tend to be passive and not take control, more the listener. Should I just see less of him or try to avoid the &quot;business-idea-brainstorming&quot; type activity with him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19099" LastEditorUserId="19099" LastEditDate="2018-10-19T10:41:41.943" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T17:29:36.093" Title="Balance being respectful with cutting off non-sense" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19442" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19441" CreationDate="2018-10-19T11:16:31.927" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's be honest - if it &lt;em&gt;wasn't&lt;/em&gt; an informal setting among friends and he was actually pitching a business idea to investors he wouldn't get away with talking for so long. If this was &lt;em&gt;The Apprentice&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;Dragon's Den&lt;/em&gt; he'd get cut off mid-flow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although you clearly respect your friend's right to speak and don't want to offend him, actually in this informal setting you probably have a lot more leeway to speak frankly without causing offence than you would if it was formal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To encourage him to get the point and bring the subject to a conclusion, I would try this approach - interrupt him at an appropriate point, but stay on the subject. You're cutting him off, but you're not shutting him down. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This sales pitch is a bit long. You'd never get anyone to invest with a drawn-out pitch like this. Let's break this down. Your business idea is to buy things cheaply direct from China, then resell them at a profit on sites like Amazon?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows (i) that you have been listening to him because you have been able to summarise his pitch, and (ii) that you are interested in it because your criticism is &lt;em&gt;constructive&lt;/em&gt; and you want to make it better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See how he responds. Hopefully what he says from here on will be shorter and to the point, and the subject will soon be exhausted. It may be that he was meandering and repeating himself because you were just letting him speak openly without interruption.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Interrupting someone isn't always rude. Sometimes people just talk and talk until they get something back from the other party. Look for them pausing, slowing down, or sending non-verbal signals that they have exhausted what they want to say. But even if you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; get any of those signals, when someone has dominated the conversation for long enough it is fair to interrupt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this approach doesn't shorten his pitch and bring the subject to a conclusion, then you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; interested in what you have to say, but I don't want to talk about business all night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either invite him to &quot;wrap things up&quot; if he still has something left to say and you don't want to offend him, or feel free to call time on it and change the subject if you've had enough. Being honest with him is better than just seeing less of him, because at least he has the choice to modify the behaviour that is getting you down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-10-19T11:16:31.927" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19443" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19441" CreationDate="2018-10-19T14:23:15.943" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Cutting someone off isn't disrespect or a sign of boredom, at least not always.&#xA;Knowing that, you can try to take any direction with the conversation following what you want to speak about. This is the goal of your interuption. But remember that how you interupt him is up to how you interact together : formal? And are you close ? Are you about the same age? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My global advice would be to wrap the interuption with a well-choosen compliment. Do not lie, just tell the truth&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Nice idea you got there, I think it could be rewarding&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that line you show him that you don't cut him off because you don't care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if you are into it and want him to give more details, you should say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But we all know how it works. What do you actualy plan to do? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you want to speak about something else, you could go for somthing like this :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But come on! We aren't here to talk about business. What about [this specific thing you all like to do]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or anything else that you want;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you got the point : if you want to speak about something else, just give it a try. Chances are that your other friend was wanting that too. And if you don't like what you are curently talking about, you will show it with non verbal language, wich could be seen as an insult by the one talking. &lt;em&gt;Remember that most people prefer a hard but polite truth rather than a fake smile.&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22632" LastActivityDate="2018-10-19T14:23:15.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19446" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19429" CreationDate="2018-10-19T15:39:20.877" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm just echoing what the other answers are because &lt;strong&gt;this cannot be stressed enough&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communication, communication, &lt;em&gt;communication&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you are entering into is also known as a queer-platonic relationship or QPR. It sounds like both you and this lady friend are straight and with heteronormative relationships there are a lot of unwritten rules that people just know and add shortcuts to determining roles in the relationship (like men are expected to be the more decisive partner when it comes to planning out dates). These unwritten rules lay a foundation of expectations that isn't present in non-hetero relationships because queer individuals do not have all of that societal backing that hetero relationships have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience of polyamory I've had a concurrent QPR and a &quot;normal&quot; relationship. My QPR ended while my other relationship with my girlfriend is staying strong. My QPR failed because we had terrible communication and ultimately discovered that there just wasn't much compatibility. With my other relationship, we made it a goal at one point to have a monthly discussion on how our relationship was doing in our own opinions and if we needed to reset any boundaries. I thoroughly believe it was our commitment to being open and honest that has kept our relationship alive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some resources online that are pretty helpful in facilitating communication. The ones I have used are the &lt;a href=&quot;https://morrisseyandcake.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/screen-shot-2013-07-02-at-9-43-04-pm.png&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Physical Boundaries Checklist&lt;/a&gt; which lists every body part and what extent of physical contact are ok for each part. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other is the Relationship Request Form which is a cute form that helps cover all of the bases:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/YcddK.jpg&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;https://i.stack.imgur.com/YcddK.jpg&quot; alt=&quot;Relationship request form&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These may seem silly because it's not as necessary in typical relationships given the common tribal knowledge, but you may find that these will help you immensely when proceeding with these kinds of relationships. What I have done in the past is sit down with the other individual (or Skype if you are doing the long-distance thing) with one copy for each individual. We each filled out the forms, shared with the other individual, and asked for clarifications as needed. It was a little awkward at first, but I felt much better afterwards because the boundaries were set.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After the initial conversation, it is good to have an occasional check-in to determine the &quot;temperature&quot; of the relationship. For me, it tends to be a casual &quot;Hey how are things going on your end?&quot; and the conversation is done in minutes if feelings haven't changed. I find that getting into the habit of asking &quot;Can I get a temperature check&quot; keeps the conversation low-key and doesn't feel like it is interrupting the current activity (this is something that my group of friends do when playing D&amp;amp;D or watching movies, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck with your adventures! :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22086" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-22T17:38:55.953" LastActivityDate="2018-12-22T17:38:55.953" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19447" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19387" CreationDate="2018-10-19T18:01:29.793" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is perfectly polite to state upfront that you will not shake hands. If done pleasantly just before, or as people step up to do so it will be all the explanation you need. You may add &quot;I'm very pleased to meet you. I'm afraid I will not shake hands.&quot; and proceed from there. It might look odd for you to be juggling mugs or bandages in an effort to provide a practical excuse. Be pleasant and interested in them but direct and firm, and even private about your own needs and preferences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit based on comment; My astronomy advisor had a skin condition that left his hands raw on a regular basis. Whenever he met for the first time with students or parents he would welcome them and politely add, &quot;I'll not shake hands but I'm glad you came by.&quot; I cannot recall anyone being put off by his honest, upfront behavior. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21222" LastEditorUserId="21222" LastEditDate="2018-10-19T20:58:06.390" LastActivityDate="2018-10-19T20:58:06.390" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19449" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19434" CreationDate="2018-10-19T19:17:00.830" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a band you need to decide what you can tolerate with lateness and absence.  If you are willing to accept the accept the status quo without kicking him out of the band then that affects how you go about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start off with telling him that his absence and lateness is affecting the band. Ask him if  anything can be done to accommodate him.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask him what can be expected from him going forward.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that is less than what you had decided to tolerate then tell him that. Tell him the expectation is X.  If he does not live up to X then give him a couple warnings and replace him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2718" LastEditorUserId="427" LastEditDate="2020-01-27T13:53:05.030" LastActivityDate="2020-01-27T13:53:05.030" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19451" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19485" CreationDate="2018-10-19T22:00:15.300" Score="5" ViewCount="1025" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad is an un-diagnosed very likely covert narcissist and at the last counseling meeting, he declared that he felt that everyone made him the instant scapegoat. (which isnt't true, because from my perspective, it's self-inflicted). &lt;strong&gt;How do I respond to that statement, and let him know that I have no intention of truly harming him?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned before, my dad's behaviors reflect that of an &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201601/7-signs-covert-introvert-narcissist&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;covert narcissist&lt;/a&gt;.&#xA;Disclaimer: I am not diagnosing him, he fits the description very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ever since the divorce 8 years ago, the relationship between us has not been pretty. Many mean words were exchanged, and I considered going no-contact (cutting him out of my life) many times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He feels everyone is not listening to him enough, but in my perspective, everyone's &lt;em&gt;had enough&lt;/em&gt; listening to him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He has been wanting counseling for a long time, but left things up to me as if I needed more help. This has been discouraging, and not at all supportive of my mental well-being.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He continually states that he suggested counseling first, even though I've been going all those 8 years and he has gone for maybe half that or less. I do not know for sure.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What has been tried.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the meeting, I directly told him that it was a big, big assumption of his that everyone has this sort of negative feeling against him. He talked around that and basically didn't really respond to it. He really can talk himself out of these kinds of situations, narcissists in general are very smooth talkers. I suggested he go to counseling, he said he doesn't understand what to work on until I tell him in family counseling. (Saying he will not go to individual counseling because he's learned all he could about himself) He's manipulating the situation to fit what he desires.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;During the counseling, the counselor only acted as a mediator, not as a family counselor. This was previously agreed on.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I respond in disagreement to his statement of &amp;quot;Everyone makes me the instant scapegoat!&amp;quot;? My goal is to assert that I am &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; trying to make him a scapegoat for my issues.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(everyone, including myself, while I am in front of him) I would rather remain cool, calm, and collected, and civil, while directly stating my belief. I want&#xA;to assert that I am not automatically making him the scapegoat of my issues, but also recognizing that he needs to continue to own his mistakes and accept responsibility. It seems like this is a method of his to avoid responsibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Notes and clarifications&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am a 25 year old female that is married and not living with my dad&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My parents divorced 8 years ago, my mother has remarried (happily) and my dad is still dating.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Family drama history is extensive, my dad has started spats and he is isolated from his family (siblings, my mom's family, etc), because not many people want to talk with him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Last but not least: &lt;strong&gt;I care about him still, and want a healthy relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will not accept answers that tell me more about narcissists, how they behave, why they behave, whether to cut him out of my life or not (that's not the question), and anything that is not explaining how to respond to the statement the next time he tells me in front of a counselor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any suggestions and edits needed, let me know and I will edit accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T21:18:24.870" Title="How do I respond to a person that says they are everyone's scapegoat?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;divorce&gt;&lt;narcissists&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19453" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19451" CreationDate="2018-10-20T08:07:44.477" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't answer, ask him questions instead. Your goal is to understand him and his reasons for feeling like a scapegoat and only then make him understand you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you tell me of an instance where &lt;em&gt;you felt like&lt;/em&gt; being the scapegoat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of you is an all-knowing being, so don't state things objectively. Put them into a &lt;strong&gt;subjective and personal perspective&lt;/strong&gt; by saying &quot;you felt like&quot; instead of &quot;you were&quot; or &quot;we made you&quot;. &#xA;If he evades the question by answering &quot;always&quot; or with too many examples, concentrate on the most recent event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ok, let's concentrate on the most recent event when you felt like I/we made you the scapegoat. I don't do it intentionally, so you have to explain it to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't stop digging and don't let him evade or change the topic. You want to understand why &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; feels blamed by things &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; don't mean to put blame on him. Be like a hound persuing a scent trail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was trying to understand &quot;scapegoat event&quot; and I still don't understand why you felt like I made you a scapegoat. I'm trying really hard to see how you felt at that time, but you need to tell me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only when you (hopefully) get him to concentrate on this one event, you can start explaining yourself. Again, put it into a &lt;strong&gt;subjective and personal perspective&lt;/strong&gt; by saying &quot;I didn't mean it that way&quot; instead of &quot;that's not true&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What I/we said at that time was meant like X, not putting the blame on you. I'm sorry you felt bad at the time, but it was not my/our intention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he has too many other situations swirling around in his head, your explanatation will have less of an impact. &quot;Maybe you didn't mean it at that time, but you meant it then and then and then...&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you both concentrate on one event, you listen to how he felt and then you tell him how you felt, the impact is much bigger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Resist the temptation to talk too much. Your goal is to fill 90% of your speaking time with questions and only 10% with answers. Get him to talk and explain himself and listen to him without putting the focus back on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stating things from a personal perspective makes it easier for him to accept that he misunderstood. If he feels blamed and you say &quot;that's not true&quot;, he might feel blamed again for feeling blamed. If you say instead &quot;I didn't mean to blame you&quot; it's much easier to accept, because in a subtle way you take the blame on you and let him adjust his view without the feeling of being wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: I have never been in a comparable situation and explaining where my experience came from would be too long and unrelated to the question, but have a look at this &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiN67V5q3C4&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;TED Talk by Brian Fretwell&lt;/a&gt; (trigger warning for mentions of drug abuse among young people) to see how asking question in contrast to giving answers can change your interaction with a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-10-20T19:07:34.623" LastActivityDate="2018-10-20T19:07:34.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19456" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19451" CreationDate="2018-10-20T21:54:36.363" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You do not need to respond to or refute this statement. Without reading all the rest of your material and why you're diagnosing your father as a narcissist, you can surely see that &quot;everyone is doing x to me all the time&quot; is a very self-centered statement, making it all about him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would probably respond something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Everyone feels they're being scapegoated when things are put on them. You have a share of responsibility for [single thing being discussed right now] and that doesn't disappear just because you are blamed for some other things too. I want to talk about [single thing being discussed right now], not about you feeling bad when you realize you're partially responsible for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you're talking about, say, not being able to see both parents on Christmas because they live hundreds of miles apart, and he's the one who moved, and he's all &quot;you are all making me the scapegoat for everything! I had no choice, I had to move, it's not my fault&quot; you can calmly keep the conversation on how you're going to manage Christmas given that traveling between the homes isn't possible. Not every outburst (and especially not every &quot;poor me&quot; outburst) needs a response. Not every situation that a family works to solve needs to establish whose fault it is before solving it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might help, given you want a healthy relationship with a selfish person, to focus on your own goals and the things you want to achieve. Set aside whose fault it is, who caused it, and the like. (This is not the same as setting aside who needs to change, of course. If someone is hitting you, and your goal is not to be hit, one way to get that is for the person to stop hitting you.) If you want a new X and can't afford it, don't get wrapped up in who broke your old x. Solve your problem as a family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-10-20T21:54:36.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19458" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3728" CreationDate="2018-10-21T01:58:24.767" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Please don't ask me to defend myself, I hate it, and it's one of the reasons I keep putting off calling you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assertive, but polite.  A clear answer.  Does not imply you dislike the person, just that this conversation bothers you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found turns of phrase like this be effective in similar situations.  It puts the person you are talking with on a different footing, where they need to consider your point of view, and your feelings, rather than just their own.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17674" LastEditorUserId="17674" LastEditDate="2018-10-22T16:45:34.100" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T16:45:34.100" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19460" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="17237" CreationDate="2018-10-21T07:48:00.260" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;To answer the immediate question... it's really none of his business what you do next, or who you do it with. He's out of your life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you break up with someone, discontinuing all contact is the easiest way for the other person to get over it  - out of sight, out of mind. Since you did the parting, it might be easy to think you can be 'just friends', but to the person on the other end, that looks like you're leaving the door open. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A difficult thing to keep in mind - when you were together, you probably became accustomed to sharing common thoughts and moods. That's no longer the case: how he feels now is quite different from how you feel now, so you can't really gauge him like you once could. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's not hanging around because you were the great love of his life - if you were, you'd still be together. He's probably doing it because his pride took a shot, and the simplest way to eliminate that pain is to get back together. Doesn't usually work, but that won't stop them from trying. I know... first time a girl tossed me off, it really smarted, and I made a fool out of myself. Only later did I realize that it was just hurt pride... we really weren't right for each other.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you break up with a guy, you're going to hurt his feelings. Only time and distance will mend that. Maybe in a few years, after he has found someone else, you can resume being friends. Or, maybe never. Unfortunately, getting serious about a good friend often wrecks the friendship, if it doesn't work out. Those emotional scars don't heal quickly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For now, tell him your dating habits are not something he should be concerned with. And, for his sake, fade to the background and discourage future meetings so he can move on and get over this. Out of sight, out of mind. Just because you can meet him with no romantic feelings doesn't mean that he can do the same. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has been my experience that, with very rare exception, you really can't be friends with someone you recently broke up with. Just too many emotional conflicts... it will not end well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19337" LastActivityDate="2018-10-21T07:48:00.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19461" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19326" CreationDate="2018-10-21T08:11:17.853" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having had a few friends get involved with alcohol and drugs, to the point where it affected their life, I've been there and done that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, forgetting your birthday isn't an insult. It's a sign of how far the condition has progressed. The person who always remembered your birthday isn't capable of responding, because the alcohol has suppressed that part of the personality. Keep that in mind so the memories of the good times don't become bitter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There really isn't a lot you can do when chemicals really take control of a person. The stuff has altered their judgment, so it's near impossible to reason with them, as I tried, and you probably tried, too many times. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd suggest you just stop responding and stop visiting her. Maybe, in a moment of clarity, she will realize what the alcohol is costing her. If she does ask why you aren't around any more, just say you have known her a long time, and you don't want to be around that level of booze consumption any more. That's what I did, and in one case, it appears to have done some good. That person later recovered, and said when I pointed out that I just couldn't deal with the constant stream of drugs and stoned behavior, it did ring some alarm bells with them. That's when they first started looking for help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no point in making a big statement, because it won't have any impact. The person it would have had an impact on, is buried under gallons of alcohol. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19337" LastActivityDate="2018-10-21T08:11:17.853" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19462" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19464" CreationDate="2018-10-21T22:15:09.143" Score="8" ViewCount="3804" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am genuinely worried and would like to know how an old ex-girlfriend is doing. But it's been well over 2 years since she and I last talked and when we broke up, it wasn't on good terms. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I DON'T want her to think I'm trying to re-ignite anything but I DO want to come off nice and genuinely concerned. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My initial approach was to just say &quot;Hey, how have you been?&quot; But now I'm not sure if I should even talk to her again or if I should just let old relationships be set aside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Context&lt;/strong&gt;: We broke up because of misunderstandings in showing proper affection. The misunderstanding led to unfortunate argument exchanges and it was bad enough that we didn't speak for 2 years. We both &quot;hated&quot; each other but at the same time still deeply cared for each other... I'm not sure how this is scientifically stated, but that's the best way I can explain it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is just to be her friend again, because we were best friends before dating. As a friend, I just want to be in good terms again. So that at least when we see each other, we can say hi, or catch up since it's been so long. But am I looking to hang out with her on a regular basis again? Probably not. Essentially, I'd like for us to be at least acquaintances, if not friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I start a conversation with an ex to restore past friendship?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She and I are Asians living in America. So, I guess it's better stated as Americans who were raised in an Asian household.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22660" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-22T04:24:07.310" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T19:05:44.860" Title="How to start a conversation with an ex with whom the relationship ended in bad terms?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19464" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19462" CreationDate="2018-10-22T14:23:35.977" Score="10" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I start a conversation with an ex to restore past friendship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the thing about friendships, they require that both parties involved &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to be a part of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now imagine you've broken up badly and you're upset, but eventually you get over it. You make new friends, pick up some new hobbies and piece things back together. Then two years later out of the blue you hear from this ex asking to come back into your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From personal experience, I'd like to tell you to drop these thoughts. The both of you knew (or should've known) that by starting a relationship you were risking the friendship. It was a risk you took so that you could be even closer, and it looks like it didn't pay off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would strongly suggest that you accept this as the price to pay for being in a relationship with a close friend and learn the lesson for next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; insist on going through with this...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Any hangout should be in a group setting&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't be alone with this girl. Not only will that send the wrong signal, but it will likely be awkward for the two of you. A group will give the both of you some wiggle room. If things get awkward, you can talk to someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;At least the initial hangouts should have some activity planned&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With close friends you can just pop over to their house and whatever happens happens. Maybe you spend 5 hours on the couch watching TV and talking about the latest gossip. Maybe you find yourselves in Walmart for hours. The simple truth is you're not going to know what to do or how to act with each other, that's something you'll need to rediscover. The best way I've found to do this is over some activity. Maybe it's a boardgame night, maybe it's video games, but the activity will help to lessen the awkwardness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't approach her directly&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Setup a hangout and have a mutual friend invite the ex. Make sure she's made aware that you'll be there and that you know she'll be there and you're fine with it. This will let her know that you're open to being friends again without making it look like you're pushing for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T19:05:44.860" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19465" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19462" CreationDate="2018-10-22T14:30:48.560" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be Honest.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all be honest with yourself, sometimes we just try to convince ourselves that we just want friendship when we end up realizing that was just withdrawal from the other person and our intentions weren't precisely friendship at all, as a friendly tip I would suggest you to try to determine if that's your case, because otherwise you will fail at the second part(doesn't matter which are your intentions if you don't express them truthfully and straigh forward), which is the important and the one you're concerned about. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be honest with her. Just tell her what you want and how you feel, don't overthink too much and try your best to not be anxious about it. You'll try your best and then it's up to her to choose if she want to try friendship or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being honest on what you want and feel is the best way to start solving problems in interpersonal issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6215" LastEditorUserId="6215" LastEditDate="2018-10-22T15:29:10.287" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T15:29:10.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19466" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-22T15:47:49.290" Score="4" ViewCount="798" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a boy in my twenties and I'm living in my parent's house in the north of France. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For more than one year we have new neighbors. Their daughter (who is about my age) is beautiful and I want to get in touch with her. Basically I'm looking for a friend, especially because I'm just going out of a relationship, but I find her very attractive and I will not be against a relationship with her if I find her interesting after we talked a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually know her name from the name of his parents, Facebook did the rest of the job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm wondering how I can start the conversation. In fact I can't use the usual techniques like asking for some salt or oil because she is living in her parent's house too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is living two houses away so she is never passing in front of my house, and me neither. I'll never meet her naturally, I have to go ahead if I want to talk with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Actually I'm pretty shy and I would prefer to start the conversation through internet, but I think it's not the more efficient way to get in touch with a girl, it could looks weird to do it, especially for someone living so close to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I'm not really comfortable with this kind of situation, I don't know what to ask or even how to engage the discussion. I know it's like any other girl I could meet in the street but I'm not used to start a conversation with a stranger and I'm pretty sure that I can turn in my advantage the fact that we are neighbors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know anything about her culture, in fact she hasn't distinctives signs, but in my case I'm an open-minded person and I'm not religious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What the best way to start a conversation with her ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22667" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-22T16:22:56.790" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T16:22:56.790" Title="How to start the conversation with my neighbor" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-10-23T07:05:57.323" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19468" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19412" CreationDate="2018-10-22T16:28:44.827" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Sorry, this is a long one!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few things struck me when reading your post:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;He's &lt;em&gt;seventeen&lt;/em&gt;  - Teenagers are well known the world over for being moody, thinking they know better than everyone older than them (&lt;em&gt;Quick! Elect a teenager president while they still know everything!&lt;/em&gt;) and with high needs for sleep (often at times that don't match up with normal adult circadian rhythms). So a certain amount of the behavior your seeing is probably to be expected, that said as you describe it things do appear to be somewhat excessive.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is extremely tech-savvy compared to me, might be a better Computer Science candidate as opposed to me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This, combined with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Usually asks my younger brother “How to” problems regarding technology devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Like my dad, usually asks my younger brother “How to” problems regarding technology devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;rang a &lt;em&gt;big&lt;/em&gt; bell for me - from what you describe you have historically had the better record academically and given your brother's younger age he might not have fully recognised that achieving that required substantial effort on your part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now however you are studying in &quot;his&quot; specialty - from how you describe it he's the go-to member of the family for technology and computer-related things and I think this could have triggered the following response:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh great! Now Prashin is muscling in on &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; territory! Doesn't he know that computers are my thing? He's pushing me out of my &quot;place&quot; in the family&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually think this is extremely likely, and I'll explain why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;of course my mum asked me to join the conversation since I have been through the same transition phase. I just gave my opinion on the corresponding matter and tried to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Siblings are often living under the (often mistaken) impression that their parents are &quot;keeping score&quot; and tend to always compare themselves with their siblings as being their first reference point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately for the younger sibling &lt;em&gt;they can never catch up&lt;/em&gt; - they are &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; 4 years behind!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What your mother was doing of course was trying to help your brother by getting you to offer your input because you had recent experience of exactly what he was going through. But that doesn't mean your brother interpreted it that way! I could easily see that translating as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mom doesn't even want to help me with this, of course she's brought &lt;em&gt;Prashin&lt;/em&gt; in, because &lt;em&gt;Prashin&lt;/em&gt; is &lt;em&gt;soooo&lt;/em&gt; great and he didn't struggle with this at all!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically I expect he felt completely undermined there and is now trapped in a cycle of trying to prove he doesn't &quot;need&quot; your help with anything and he can be an &quot;adult&quot; and should be respected as such. This is supported by the way that he has learned many &quot;adult&quot; skills that he doesn't technically need yet (handyman, financial nous etc), and it's telling that they are ones where you haven't excelled yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To that end I imagine the way your parents would ask him for help with technology would boost him massively, it was his niche, what made him &lt;em&gt;special&lt;/em&gt; (and therefore loved and wanted by his parents) and you going in to that field (when it wasn't your area previously) is going to look to him like you are trying to take that away from him, you and I know that's crazy of course - but to a teenager &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt; that everyone else does is about them!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And remember this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I always raise my problems directly to them and they would gladly resolve it,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, when your brother tried to do the same (when he was 12), they didn't - they turned to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;. To a twelve year old child that probably felt like a slap in the face.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So what can you do?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I think the best thing you can do is start showing your brother that &lt;em&gt;you need him&lt;/em&gt;, you mention that you are struggling to adapt to the tech aspects of your Computer Science course - could you ask your brother some things that he might be able to answer for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'd be showing him you value him, that you see him as an equal, and  you'd be dispelling the Legend of Prashin that he might have built up and more importantly you are opening a dialogue with him where &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; has the &quot;power&quot; and the position of respect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise I think you might just have to give him time - at 17 some of us are still dreadfully immature, and you may find that as he progresses into &quot;true&quot; adulthood he becomes somewhat more approachable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T16:28:44.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19469" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19441" CreationDate="2018-10-22T17:06:08.783" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I'm in a conversation and someone is going on and on about a subject that doesn't interest me, or where he has beaten the subject to death, my general approach is to try to take something about what he said and make a statement that goes off on a tangent. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like he's talking about importing merchandise from China. So if you're interested in politics, you might say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wonder if you'd run into trouble with the administration's new tariffs on imports from China.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then launch into a discussion about politics. Or say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yes, China produces some fascinating products. I just bought an X that was made in China ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where &quot;X&quot; is something that you are interested in. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or say how his discussion of transporting the merchandise in ships reminds you of a cruise you went on recently. Or whatever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these examples sound contrived, think about other casual conversations you've had. People often go off on tangents only loosely related to what was said before. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a friendly talk we think nothing of it. Your friend may be disappointed that the conversation has steered away from what he wanted to talk about, but unless you're very clumsy about it, he needn't even realize that you deliberately changed the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-22T17:29:36.093" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T17:29:36.093" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19471" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19415" CreationDate="2018-10-22T17:30:52.190" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;(a) Don't try to talk her out of her feelings or downplay her feelings. Certainly don't say something like, &quot;What's the big deal? It was just a hamster.&quot; I think most reasonably sensitive people realize not to say that, but there are much milder statements that people sometimes make without thinking it through. Like, &quot;You can get another hamster&quot; or &quot;I'm sure you'll get over it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(b) If she attacks you for not caring enough about the hamster, don't try to defend yourself. Don't argue about it. People feeling strong emotions often get irrational. You are not going to force her to be more logical. Just take any abuse stoically. If you turn it into a fight, she could be mad at you about it for years. If you just let her vent, she'll probably apologize later. Regardless, don't worry about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10718" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T17:30:52.190" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19472" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16259" CreationDate="2018-10-22T19:37:22.347" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;It might be useful to acknowledge your exasperation, but at the same time, step back and examine the possibility that his intentions might be misunderstood.  Your emotions and reactions are completely valid!  He might be just trying to make you more comfortable.  Are you in a position to clarify communication preferences with him, or is it not comfortable for you to ask?  (Not sure on the full social dynamic here.)  Maybe something like, &quot;I'd prefer to keep the subject on the task at hand, please.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being in a supervisor position seems like a difficult thing.  Intentions can be misrepresented for anyone, but I feel that a supervisor has an extra layer of social magnifying going on.  I'm wondering if he might be checking in with you to see how to better handle giving assignments and expectations, provided that you are going to have a quality of life change soon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he says it's normally not a problem, maybe he is trying to reassure you that your work quality has not suffered as a result of the sleep schedule interruptions.  That's my intuition, though.  I have no idea what the tone of voice was, or the sentences before this phrase were, or what the body language was like.  Trust your gut here, I'm just going by what I hope is a useful alternative view and have no idea if I read your paragraph correctly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like he is trying to share about his kids to make you feel more at ease.  However, his desire to share with you about being a parent who escapes back to work and avoids his kids might be also seen as a way to dismiss your desire to be with your child.  I hope I'm reading that correctly? I'm wondering if you might feel he is also expressing some kind of standard about the workplace/parent environment there?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also hate small talk with a burning passion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22645" LastActivityDate="2018-10-22T19:37:22.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19473" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19451" CreationDate="2018-10-23T00:19:11.843" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;A healthy relationship with a narcissist is not a realistic goal. A lower conflict relationship might be possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have you heard the phrase &quot;don't JADE&quot;? JADE expands to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. These are things that you shouldn't do with certain people, including narcissists. (And the &quot;argue&quot; part doesn't mean that you should agree--you go right on disagreeing, you just refuse to argue about it.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;JADEing gives the problematic person attention. It gives them the impression that you agree that your decisions are open for approval or disapproval by them. It lets them trap you in the endless cycle of trying to make them understand, rather than moving on to the point where you are going to set boundaries whether they understand or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, you want him to understand. But understanding requires that HE want to understand, and as long as you keep JADEing, he's getting plenty of entertainment; he's not motivated to understand. If you stop JADEing, you stop rewarding his refusal to understand. You put the responsibility for his understanding on him--where it belongs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A link on the concept:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2011/05/jade-good-for-jewelry-bad-for.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/2011/05/jade-good-for-jewelry-bad-for.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't change his view. Any effort to change it is doomed to failure.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you refuse to reward him for his complaint, the complaint may be less rewarding for him, and he may seek to cause conflict in a different way, perhaps a way that you find less upsetting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;Everyone makes me the instant scapegoat!&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;It's unfortunate that you feel that way, Dad.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;That feeling must be upsetting.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Well, part of why we're here is to help you to overcome feelings like that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't agree with your interpretation. Therefore, a conversation would not be productive.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I have no desire to make you a scapegoat. Therefore, a discussion of your belief that I do would not be productive.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't believe that the peple around you are making you a scapegoat. Therefore, a discussion of your belief that they do would not be productive.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;This is not a productive discussion. Is there something else that you'd like to discuss?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Dad, I expressed my unwillingness to discuss this. Shall we move on?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Dad, I remain unwilling to discuss this.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastEditorUserId="20981" LastEditDate="2018-10-23T16:30:08.497" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T16:30:08.497" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19474" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16259" CreationDate="2018-10-23T00:22:43.213" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I'm seeing your problem, you're not eager to discuss your issues, get sympathy, or anything of that sort--you'd like to get the conversation out of the way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But nevertheless, you're uncomfortable with social lying. Me, I'd just go with the convenient social lie, but if you were happy with that, you wouldn't have asked the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That suggests that a solution that's not a lie, but gets the conversation over with quickly, would be useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So: Have you considered an honest but much, much shorter, conversation-ender response?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm in this sort of mood, the conversation is often: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;How are you?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Adequate. You?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if you think that you can get away without mirroring the inquiry:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Adequate. How'd the install go last night?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With me, &quot;adequate&quot; gets a minor laugh, that minor laugh seems to &quot;fill&quot; the space that might be needed by conversation and consolation, and we move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other possible not-lying-but-brief responses:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;How are you?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Same as yesterday. How'd the install go last night?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Eager to hear how the install went.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Ready to work. How'd the install go last night?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if you are OK with conversation, just not the same old conversation and not a lie:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;How are you?&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Excited about the Game of Thrones season premiere. You gonna watch?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Obsessed with finding a new car. How do you like your Camry?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Hungry. Want to grab a bagel while we discuss the install?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastEditorUserId="20981" LastEditDate="2018-10-23T16:45:59.457" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T16:45:59.457" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19475" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19479" CreationDate="2018-10-23T03:35:25.317" Score="11" ViewCount="2035" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm living in an apartment with a roommate. When they first moved in they didn't have a router and therefore could not connect to the internet. I offered to let them connect to my wifi until they were able to purchase a router. 2 months later they are still on my wifi.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I occasionally play video games at night, and noticed that I was experiencing high latency. This lag makes these online games border line unplayable which is very frustrating. Perhaps my isp is to blame and not my roommate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the weekend they were gone and I had no issues with my connection. Given how consistent it was prior to them leaving, and the return of the lag after they came back, I am pretty certain it is my roommate that is causing this issue. I want them off of my personal wifi.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am able to disconnect them from my wifi in a way which they will be unable to sign back on. This is something I would like to avoid since we get along well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I communicate to my roommate that I want them off my wifi, without damaging our relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit: I apologise for not mentioning this in the original post. I'm in the US but this apartment has free internet. Each room can easily get their own connection by plugging in a router and signing up online for free. After living here for almost a year, I had never experienced this lag before. I had very fast speeds until this roommate moved in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22674" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-10-23T23:23:40.470" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T23:23:40.470" Title="Roommate on my wifi" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19476" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19475" CreationDate="2018-10-23T05:25:26.060" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no way to get around talking to them honestly (passive aggressive behavior is the doom of roommate relationships).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to bring it up is to address the issue honestly and without any apologies, awkward pauses, or uncomfortable silences. Make them understand that you don't see them as a bad person, you just think the internet is not working well with the current arrangement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would basically say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, Sepiyanqwa. I think we need to both pay for the internet.  It's been really slow for the past couple of months, and it's because we're basically both using a line meant for one. What do you think if we get a more expensive service and pay for it together? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At which point it's going to be up to Sepi whether too get offended or be like, &quot;yeah, ok, fair enough.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's normal to behave that way. Many people would fall into that trap, seeing that they aren't paying, and the other person doesn't seem to mind, and all is well as it is. But people generally want to be fair.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is not to come off as though this has been bothering you for a while. This can create tension, as you would basically be letting them know that you've been secretly annoyed with them the whole time, even when they thought your relationship was fine. That's unpleasant. You need to let them know that you aren't annoyed with them, you just want them to help you get the internet back to normal speed. You can even openly tell them so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are like most people, they'll recognize that you are asking something perfectly reasonable. And if they think that you shouldn't be bringing up them paying for the internet, well... you'll have an extra story about a crazy roommate you once had.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9999" LastEditorUserId="9999" LastEditDate="2018-10-23T15:40:15.823" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T15:40:15.823" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19477" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="210" CreationDate="2018-10-23T05:42:33.640" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't actually &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; to address it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind that, if you patiently listen to them talk smack about your work (with real interest, &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; sarcasm, and without rushing to disagree), you will come off as the party who is &lt;em&gt;secure&lt;/em&gt; in their own view. That carries a lot of authority, and does not require any conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you show real interest, and don't rush to contradict them, they may feel it too. It's difficult to disparage someone's occupation when they are simply listening to you with interest. It reminds them that the things they are saying are really just opinions, and that you don't necessarily see it the same way. If they then ask what you think, you can tell them how you see it, and potentially have a fun conversation. If they don't, it's ok. They'll get there sometime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The tough thing is to avoid sarcasm, eye-rolling, clownish facial expressions, etc. It's a normal knee-jerk reaction, and it can feel pretty good in the moment - but the best thing here is to be nice and genuinely interested in what they think. It's difficult, but it is what marks you as the adult to everyone around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9999" LastEditorUserId="9999" LastEditDate="2018-10-23T06:31:11.200" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T06:31:11.200" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19478" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19279" CreationDate="2018-10-23T06:16:57.390" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be boring with them.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This does not mean you have to be a boring teacher. But you do need to respond to flirting with a deadpan continuation of class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In other words, respond with something like &quot;I'm doing very well! Have some interesting materials for you guys. Ok, class! Open your books to chapter seven, and listen up!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Children will flirt. Hormones are a thing, and they aren't necessarily excellent at controlling them yet. The important thing is that their flirting is &lt;em&gt;unilateral.&lt;/em&gt; Nothing breaks the mood like clear lack of playful or fun response. Moreover, if they like you, it'll let them know that the best way to get you to like them is to do their work. They may take you up on that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9999" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T06:16:57.390" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19479" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19475" CreationDate="2018-10-23T07:41:32.093" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would focus on the actual problem (you are experiencing high pings) rather than criticise the roommate's behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey ROOMMATE, I play online games at night which is super sensitive to ping, I've been noticing I've been getting very high pings at night sometimes. This has been negatively impacting my gaming experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that it's entirely possible that the internet in your area was just congested at that time and it's not your roommate's fault, it's possible they wasn't using the internet or it's possible it &lt;em&gt;was&lt;/em&gt; them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to understand this which is already very kind and sensitive of you (good job). The important distinction is to not start with blaming &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; for anything especially since this sounds like it's a problem they might not even be aware of or understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, I'd contrast it with experience from your relationship as roommates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to think of us as friends who help each other out. I value our relationship as room mates and I think it's great we're getting along. I want you to know I'm here for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people have a hard time giving compliments or being open about their feelings. If this is hard you can practice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I'd ask them about solutions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you have any idea how we can figure out what's causing the high pings? I think it might be the ISP or the fact you're using the computer at the same time or something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can suggest that they try to use the internet at the same time as you play and measure how that impacts the pings. Make sure this isn't about them being wrong or bad or right - it's about addressing your issue as roommates who work together and want each other to have a pleasant home life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note it's important to be open about these things - the kind thing to your roommate is to tell them about the problem so you can figure it out together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, you can figure out how to solve the issue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can use a tool that does traffic shaping on their computer to limit the bandwidth he uses on your internet to a point it doesn't bother you (like, 1MBPs) on the router or their computer - maybe that's fine by you and doesn't bother them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can purchase a second plan (which is typically discounted) from the ISP together and not share for the plan.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember, focus on the problem that's bothering you (high pings) and not the problem of fairness (he's not paying for the internet) unless that problem bothers you. If it does - it's also fine to ask them to pay for the internet but &lt;em&gt;then expect them to have equal footing&lt;/em&gt; and have an easier time making demands about the quality of service as well - so I would not recommend it for starters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Watch out for safety cues (like the roommate getting defensive) and if they do - step back and emphasise the shared goal (living well together and getting along) and your willingness to figure out a solution together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="4527" LastEditDate="2018-10-23T17:19:36.067" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T17:19:36.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19480" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19475" CreationDate="2018-10-23T07:42:11.430" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to play a lot of online games with the need of good latency, and the only way for me to able to use the router alone was to just say it. Note that I did use to pay the internet bill alone and I wasn't staying with a roommate, it was in my family house and we were 4-5 members.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You seem to like playing those video games and you'd like to have a stable low latency. I would just be &lt;strong&gt;direct&lt;/strong&gt; about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit down with your roommate, bring back the subject that you allowed them to use your personal router until they get theirs, and be clear about it. I would go with something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey John, I would like to share some of my interests with you. I do like playing video games online. To do so, I need low latency. Since you're still using my personal router, which I have no problem with it, I would like you to disconnect for an hour or two while I feel like playing, or in case you urgently need to stay connected, make sure not to spend too much bandwidth such as watching videos or browsing pictures.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of this, I would continue using &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19476/17144&quot;&gt;Misha R&lt;/a&gt;'s answer by suggesting to upgrade the service and split the bill since you already stated the reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion being honest here is the best approach since there's nothing really going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17144" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T07:42:11.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19481" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19475" CreationDate="2018-10-23T08:44:11.690" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Before a confrontation, it is always best to get all the facts. Then if you are faced with a counter argument you are in the best position to improvise what you are saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although you sound pretty tech savvy and know how to block him on your router, the only reason you give for &lt;em&gt;suspecting&lt;/em&gt; that he is using a lot of bandwidth is that when he's not there, your games don't lag. Before anything else, I think you should look on your router to see who is connected. Is there a possibility that your roommate has given your password out to neighbours and there are &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; people connected? It just occurs to me that it would take some seriously heavy internet use to make your games lag. If he was a gamer, you'd probably know. If it is just your roommate, your router may hold some details on what he is doing on the internet. If he is using something like P2P then that would explain your lag; but if he's just browsing the web I don't see how that would impact on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way of viewing it though is that if you had a guest, it would be normal etiquette to let them have your wifi password. If your roommate is just doing the occasional bit of browsing, checking email etc, no more than a guest might, is it really worth arguing over the principle of this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you've checked the facts and you are sure he is using your internet service enough to impact on you then speak to them. Be reasonable. Rather than kick them off your router unceremoniously, why not give them a deadline to get their own service? Perhaps say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you purchased your own router yet? Just that I'm finding my internet speeds aren't adequate for my own needs when shared. Can we agree you'll be on your own service by the end of the week? (&lt;em&gt;or whatever is reasonable&lt;/em&gt;) That should give you enough time, then I'll change my wifi password.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T08:44:11.690" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19482" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="16259" CreationDate="2018-10-23T11:50:34.650" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;OP, from what you're describing, it sounds like your boss is looking very hard for a very specific level of &quot;pleasentries&quot; that he considers polite. Skipping over them feels too rude to him -- but &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt;, going into detail about personal problems might feel to him like oversharing; he might even be interpeting you as saying &quot;Listen I've got a MAJOR problem you need to know about,&quot; when he wasn't expecting anything more than a quick &quot;Good morning.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I can help you navigate these more smoothly. At the same time, do bear in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your boss is a lot of the problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Are you the best, most social, most eloquent small-talker and pleasentry-dispenser in the world? No. But this problem isn't you being bad at socializing -- it's at least as much your boss's fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's ignoring your discomfort. He's insisting on pleasentries that you don't want. He's interpreting you as being rude, oversharing, or both. He seems to have a &lt;em&gt;lot&lt;/em&gt; of trouble with anything a bit different than the conversation he was expecting -- and communicating well with others is all about adapting to them, not forcing them into your own patterns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's not much you can do about this -- you can't fix somebody else's problems. But it's worth pointing out that you're not the problem here, and it's a major bummer that it's falling to you to put in the effort to improve things and make conversations smoother. That &lt;em&gt;shouldn't&lt;/em&gt; be solely your responsibility. Sorry about that :-/&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, you can probably solve the bulk of this by just playing along with him, in a way that works for both of you. Let's call it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Casual Status Reports&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you're really looking for is some middle ground between &quot;I'm fine&quot; and &quot;Here is a detailed explanation of how I am.&quot; The middle ground is this: sum up how you are, very very briefly, and also be clear that your answer is no big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;The pregnancy is really messing my sleep up, but otherwise I'm fine.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Aggh, I'm kind of stressed about how much I need to finish today. How are you?&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's it. Just a quick description, a &quot;no big deal&quot; if you don't want it to be one. That's it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the thing: If he &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to go deeper, ask you details, then he will -- and that'll be the both of you choosing to shift the conversation to that kind of topic. But if he just wants to (a) be polite, (b) know that everything is OK (for &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; definition of OK, which is basically &quot;do I need to do anything?&quot;), then you've given him that, and you won't have &quot;pressed&quot; him (in his interpretation) into a more personal, more difficult conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20196" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T11:50:34.650" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19484" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-23T20:27:24.943" Score="11" ViewCount="1069" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few months ago, a Discord server was created for a site that didn't have its own livechat, but a lot of the members wanted one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this one girl creates a Discord server, and invites a bunch of us into it. There were about 25 members within the first couple weeks, and it has since grown to ~50 members, almost all between the ages of 15 and 21.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was appointed as a moderator by the creator of the server within the first week, as I had experience moderating online communities before, which... nobody else seemed to have. (Later, she offered me the position of &quot;head moderator&quot;, but I declined.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since that time, though, the creator has done stuff such as: a.) splitting the server into a lot of sub-channels for small subsets of the topic that the site is about, which results in fragmenting discussion b.) created a whole system of &quot;admin&quot;, &quot;head moderator&quot;, &quot;moderator&quot;, etc, as well as a whole &quot;application&quot; system involving Google Forms...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;There are others, but these two are good examples.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It feels like she's taking things too quickly and not allowing the server to develop normally; she's making things &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; more formal than necessary, especially considering the age of the participants, as well as fragmenting the server into too many side-channels, making it that starting a conversation in any of those small channels is very difficult. #general-chat is by far the most active - but even that isn't the most active.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How would I go about raising this issue to the creator?&lt;/strong&gt; I'd like to ask her to maybe cut down on the formalizing a bit, and get to realize that just because she has all these cool &lt;em&gt;abilities&lt;/em&gt;, that doesn't mean that she has to use them all immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We do have a moderator channel that regular users can't see. She also has her own channel within the server (as does one of the other admins).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="31" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T20:30:09.660" Title="How do I tell the creator of a Discord server that they're &quot;formalizing&quot; everything too quickly?" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19485" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19451" CreationDate="2018-10-23T21:07:58.350" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Q. How do I respond to a &lt;s&gt;person&lt;/s&gt; &lt;em&gt;narcissist&lt;/em&gt; that says they are everyone's scapegoat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were talking about answering this question in a one-to-one conversation with your dad, my answer would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A. You don't. Narcissists are constantly playing a game where everything they say is an attempt to manipulate you and the conversation to reach a goal they want. The only way to stop that is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to play the game by refusing to answer the question &lt;em&gt;as asked&lt;/em&gt;. I don't mean ignore them - but do not answer any questions directly because you are feeding the behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;But&lt;/strong&gt; you say that you are going to counselling with him and he is going to raise this question to you in front of the counsellor. That makes this more complex.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said you don't want to hear more about narcissism, so, I won't attempt to tell you anything about the behaviour as such, but do consider this - even if your dad &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; have this (and you can't say that with certainty, it is an opinion not a diagnosis) it is still a &lt;em&gt;learned behaviour&lt;/em&gt; and many psychologists believe that someone displaying narcissistic behaviour &lt;em&gt;can change&lt;/em&gt;. Your refusal to comply with any such behaviour may go towards helping him &quot;unlearn&quot; it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like he has selected this kind of counselling session with you as a way of saying what he wants to say in an environment where you are less likely to interrupt. He may feel that he can more easily manipulate you in a counselling session because it is a &quot;controlled environment&quot;, even though he technically isn't the one controlling it. As you say, he definitely needs personal counselling to try and help fix his own behaviour. But in the meantime, if you want to get your relationship with your dad back, for now, you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; going to have to answer his question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that you feel he needs to &quot;&lt;em&gt;own his mistakes and accept responsibility&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. He is using the term &quot;scapegoat&quot; because it implies blame. The shift of language is a classic projection technique - blame is something negative, and he is turning around your request for him to &lt;em&gt;admit&lt;/em&gt; to his mistakes and projecting that back as a negative motive (blaming) onto you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever it is you want him to accept responsibility for, you've probably already forgiven. You just need to hear him admit to it so that you can respect him and move forward. If he admits to certain behaviours, it is the leverage you need to convince him to get personal counselling that he clearly needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, say all of that. If he interrupts you, turn to the counsellor to moderate and make sure you are allowed to finish. The controlled environment of the counselling session should give you the opportunity to clearly separate these two things and cut off his attempt to turn it back on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you reply to his question with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A scapegoat is someone to take the blame. I'm not looking to blame anyone for anything. I'm asking you to admit to past mistakes and behaviour because I'm ready and willing to forgive them and move on. I also want you to admit to certain behaviours so that you can get help to change them. If you won't do that, there is no blame for anything - it just means we cannot move forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really hope this helps, and that whatever method or words you choose, you are able to resolve your relationship with your dad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-10-23T21:18:24.870" LastActivityDate="2018-10-23T21:18:24.870" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19487" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19484" CreationDate="2018-10-23T21:53:12.800" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I feel like this is a similar situation to a lot of group projects in school where you may think a group member is making decisions that could be harming the project. For myself in these situations I direct my concerns specifically about the project, or in this case the channel, and avoid mentioning who made the decision.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This becomes an even easier conversation when there are more members as well as you can pose the question to the group as a poll to try and get backup for your concerns.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ex message to the mods/admin members&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey guys, I'm not so sure it was the best time to split the channel into so many subtopics and channels since we only have a few members so far and there isn't a ton of activity yet. Do you think we could reduce the number of subtopics and see if that helps boost activity?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can see in this example that there is no blame or even mention of who made the decision to split up the topics and focuses on just getting input for whether the other mods and admins agree. This approach of avoiding pointing fingers works as well in a one on one conversation as well but when appropriate to include the team can further reduce the risk of offense to anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastEditorUserId="17872" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T15:36:28.990" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T15:36:28.990" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19488" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-24T03:03:19.947" Score="12" ViewCount="1264" Body="&lt;p&gt;That time of year is approaching once again. Tis' the season for social obligation, and my cousin has already started in about Thanksgiving via text messages. This year has brought a bit of a twist in that she asked me to bring my new partner...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not opposed to spending time with my family, most of them are good people, most were supportive when I came out. But I'm very hesitant to introduce my partner to my extended family in the context of a very large Thanksgiving dinner with 30-50 people in attendance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner and I are both pansexual, and she is transgender. She's a very strong person and is accustomed to the usual nonsense of dealing with folks who are, well, not as polite and considerate as they could/should be when it comes to trans issues. I know she can deal, but I don't feel comfortable putting her in that situation, with that many of my tone deaf family members, for an extended period of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to be honest about why I may not be there, but I don't want to be cold or come across as being disinterested in being apart of the family. I know my cousin is accepting and means well, but I know some of my other family members are not and don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already hinted at being hesitant to go with my cousin, she seems to understand my hesitation, but she tends to be the pushy sort. She's sort of adopted the matriarch role for my generation of the family, so she tends to be the organizer of family functions and the mama-bear who sees to it that people show up and bring a dish. I'm admittedly worried about alienating myself from the family members who &quot;get it&quot; in my effort to avoid conflict with those that don't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd likely only need to respond to my cousin's invite. As the organizer she tends to disseminate information through the ranks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've already talked to my partner about the invitation. She's not opposed to going, as I mentioned, she's tough and knows how to deal with abrasive people (she is dating me after all), but she also understands that it will likely be a bit much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How does one tactfully decline an invitation in this case?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T17:52:20.833" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T07:07:33.420" Title="Tactfully declining a family Thanksgiving invitation" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;holidays&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19489" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-24T05:39:21.530" Score="4" ViewCount="536" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Scenario&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to certain family matters, one of my cousins always lies to my mom. It could be from a simple occasion like where the family had gone for a vacation or  a more serious one like when a family member was admitted to a hospital. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mom does know that he is lying but doesn't say anything in return. She just listens to it but later cribs about it to me, something on lines of, 'Look at the way he is lying to me', 'He did not have to lie to me yet he is.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All said, my cousin is good to me. There is always mutual help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Problem and Expected Result&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do not want him to lie to my mom anymore. I understand that it is really not in my hands but atleast he should be aware that he is lying and my mom is not happy about it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Possible Solution&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want my mom to tell him, in a serious tone, for once, 'You don't have to tell me the truth; atleast do not lie to me'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What are the other possible solutions to this? This is what I want, he should think twice before lying to my mom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18643" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T19:21:45.353" Title="Retorting to a lying person" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19490" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-24T07:34:28.683" Score="-6" ViewCount="519" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Flashback&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today when I entered in class, I came late due to the fact that I’m in flow that I stayed on telephone. And when I came to school, I asked Chemistry teacher to annulate my absence, and an ugly( inside) girl told me, “get out of here!” and that made me be very angry at her that I wanted to beat her, but I couldn’t beat her,nor spoke bad, such as “f@&amp;amp;k you, asshole!”( out of anger). And she looked at me with ugly face, and that really irritated me a lot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;CLARIFICATION&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I’m trying to say is that, that girl, my class mate was mean to me and she behaved in such that she really irritated me. But not the teacher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; How do I deal with such mean people that next time, not to repeat it again? How can I make her changed her mean attitude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because, with some, she’s nice, only with me. Should I become very angry at her and act upon my anger?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make in such that others won’t need to talk to me in such that it really gets me mad?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What’s my goal?&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m want to know this so that I can stop doing whatever mistake I’ve done in past, so that in future, Mss. Ugly girl will not talk to me in the way that makes me to be angry at her. I want to have a good relationship as brother and sister( by helping each other in need, walking together etc…). Do you know what I mean? I only want to have all my class mates as my friends, not enemies. Because, my only enemy in my class, is that ugly girl. And by ugly, I mean unclean from inside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13918" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T19:27:50.447" Title="How do I deal with some of my mean classmates?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" ClosedDate="2018-10-24T13:57:24.017" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19492" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19489" CreationDate="2018-10-24T08:15:17.243" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some people love to lie and can't help themselves to lie over pretty much anything. I had a friend like this that constantly made both big and little lies. At first it was lies about small stuff like what he did over the weekend or people he had hooked up with, but it turned into bigger lies about family members having cancer and so on. I sat down with him and told him that I knew he was lying and it was incredibly hurtful because I was worried for him and his family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He conceded that it felt good to lie, and he apologized profusely. In the past couple of years when we have spoken, he hasn't (as far as I know or found out) lied to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could talk to your cousin in private and let him know that you and your mom knows that he is lying, and ask why he keeps lying; ask him to please be truthful so it wont continue to harm his relationship with the two of you. Either he acknowledges the fact and tries to improve, or he gets defensive and continues to lie in which case I would accept that he is a pathological liar that cant be trusted, while keeping conversation to a minimum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17106" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T08:15:17.243" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19493" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19488" CreationDate="2018-10-24T08:42:49.583" Score="6" Body="&lt;h3&gt;First, be sure you want to decline the invitation&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're asking about how to decline the invitation - I'm not sure there is no middle ground where you can attend and the event can be altered in a way where you feel safe and comfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just because you or your partner have thick skin doesn't mean you have to put up with insensitive or intolerant behaviour. It is your holiday and family time too and you want to attend it in terms you also enjoy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just because your partner is transgender and is used to bigotry does not mean she or you should put up with bigotry in a family setting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact you said &lt;em&gt;most&lt;/em&gt; of your family was supportive indicates that &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; were not so supportive. I would consider talking to your cousin directly about it and trying to find a way for you can attend the event &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; not be judged or attacked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Then, be direct and honest with your cousin.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact you understand and choose to be honest is great. It indicates to me you want to have a meaningful and real relationship with your cousin. I think it's a really good judgment call on your behalf.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey cousin. I really appreciate how you're trying to get everyone together for Thanksgiving. I also really appreciate the fact you are making an effort to accept my partner into the family and are inviting her to a family gathering. I am not comfortable with my partner in such a setting yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important for me to explain that this is a &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; issue and not a &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; issue. I love our family and I enjoy spending time with you but this sort of gathering is very stressful for me and may negatively impact my wellbeing. I hope I am in a position to attend next year (but no promises).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Then, &lt;em&gt;only if you are interested&lt;/em&gt; follow up with your cousin.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would love to be able to ease into this and gradually introduce PARTNER into the family. This is challenging for me but I really want us to be an active part of the family. Would you be open to sitting down with me and thinking about this? I want to have a discussion about what the challenges are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then - sit down (buy your cousin a coffee maybe?) and talk to her about why this is challenging. Acknowledge together that you are struggling with a real issue of acceptance and think together about how you and your partner can feel safe in this setting and feel accepted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to solve this or figure this out all at once - I'd focus on opening a dialog and letting your cousin in and then gradually letting other people in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact you don't want to introduce your partner to 50 family members is very understandable in my opinion and it sounds like a very stressful and tough situation even if all your family members were accepting and non-judgmental. Work with your partner and your cousin (if she is willing) on improving this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would also involve your partner in your concerns and fears about the situation and share your emotions and doubts with her. One of the benefits of being in a relationship is to have that someone you can talk to about these things :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's very understandable you feel this way and it's great you are willing to be honest with your cousin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T16:48:31.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19494" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19489" CreationDate="2018-10-24T08:59:24.137" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are the other possible solutions to this? This is what I want, he should think twice before lying to my mom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all - it is commendable that you want to help your cousin do better - so props for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, let's assume your cousin is a reasonable and decent person. Also, it does not sound like there is a financial and personal gain motive. So I would think this is not deceit or dishonestly from his side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Why would he be lying to your mother in that case?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, there are several reasons people lie like this. For example when I was younger I'd lie a lot because I was insecure about things in my life - my job, my friends, my relationships, where I'd go on vacation etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is possible that he is lying because he wants to leave a positive impression on your mother because he feels her love for him depends on him being more impressive than he really is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think most of the reasons of why people lie without hoping to gain something is because they feel like without the lies they are not good enough or not worthy of the love or attention of the people around them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Work on a feeling of safety&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would recommend pretty much the opposite of 'You don't have to tell me the truth; at least do not lie to me'. Your mother has good intuition for not calling him out on it directly - at least not until there is trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try the opposite in your mother's behalf. I would consider both you and your mother telling your cousin:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love you no matter what. You are our family and we care a lot about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Followed by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We love you both when you are doing great and when you are not doing great. Our love for you does not depend on how you are feeling. If you ever feel sad or angry we promise not to judge you based on that and you are always welcome to talk to us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then follow up by actually doing that and accepting them for exactly who they are. You can (and should) offer them ways to improve their life but do not attempt to change them - people typically change when they want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not bring the lying up - instead I would focus on being more approachable and accepting to that person so &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; feel better about bringing it up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once there is sufficient trust in the relationship I would call up the lies in a way that lets them save face. Rather than &quot;Don't lie&quot;. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is that an accurate representation of what you did or are you exaggerating for story telling purposes? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives them an avenue of saying that they tried to make better conversation rather than try to deceive you or your mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We love your stories when they say what accurately happened to you. We accept you just the way you are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat this and be supportive and non-judgmental until it sinks :) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course, I think there is great value in doing therapy together and talking to a professional therapist. I warmly recommend giving it a shot.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="4527" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T16:22:37.617" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T16:22:37.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19495" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19490" CreationDate="2018-10-24T09:19:20.270" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Emotions are opinions. Emotions are not right or wrong, they are harmful or helpful. Sometimes it is very tempting to react on an emotion such as anger and it is very important &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; to suppress our emotions or ignore them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact it's generally not a great idea to suppress our emotions does not mean we should always act on them. Another option you have is acknowledging them and processing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are not just your emotions and you are not your thoughts. If a girl irritates you in class you do not have to choose to act on it (which could be harmful).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Think and stop about what you actually want.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The situation of being talked down to in front of the class is challenging, hard and angering. Your feelings make sense and are legitimate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please try to see things from her perspective. Do not assume the girl was being mean on purpose or that she is not a decent human being. Always try to assume good faith.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Definitely do not resort to physical (or verbal) violence - it sounds very tempting and like it would help you deal with your emotions but it would likely accomplish the opposite result and just make you angrier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;What you should do&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all. I would avoid things like &quot;Should I get angry?&quot;. You &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; get angry - that's fine, anger is a natural and healthy part of life. Try to accept your emotions and own them - you do not have to feel guilty and ashamed for being angry. Not ever and not in this particular instance (which is quite angering!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is hard - typically a healthy routine (regular sleep, healthy food, exercise) really helps with being balanced and being better at accepting our feelings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've also found meditation to help a lot with this. There are some apps (like Headspace and Calm) you can check out and there are online tutorials that help with this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;You don't have to do anything&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can (and should) acknowledge your anger and the fact you were in an annoying situation but you don't actually have to do anything about it. This wasn't your fault and was not in your control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also about being late - sometimes we are late, don't judge yourself too harshly because of it and don't label yourself as &quot;someone who is late&quot;. Try to figure out &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you were late and see if you can address &lt;em&gt;that part&lt;/em&gt;. It might be organisational skills or time management skills you can work on (when &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; was in school I had neither).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If you still want to do something&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; blame the girl for being &quot;mean&quot; (or &quot;nice&quot;). Putting labels on people, even if they are positive isn't great since it puts them in a box. She is just who she is - she isn't &quot;mean&quot; or &quot;nice&quot; she might just do mean or nice things sometimes and maybe sometimes she is aware of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead if you want to address it with her I would try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, today in class I was very stressed because I got in late. I was very anxious to get in time. I consider you a person who does nice and kind things often. When you shouted &quot;get out of here!&quot; at me in class it made me feel very unwelcome and it made me hurt and angry. Do you think we can sit down together for 30 minutes and you can explain why you did that to me? I promise not to be judgmental and listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sharing feelings and showing vulnerability was &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; above my ability when I was in school and it took me &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt; to be able to have this sort of conversation. So remember you don't have to do this and if you don't that's absolutely fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if she says &quot;yes&quot; then &lt;strong&gt;sit down and listen&lt;/strong&gt;. Accepting criticism is hard but remember - the goal here isn't to &quot;win&quot; vs. the girl but to improve yourself and resolve the situation. Do not attack her, do not disagree with her criticism - just listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;If you want to do something and don't want to talk to her&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can talk to your teacher:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, when X told me &quot;get out of here!&quot; today it made me feel very angry. I feel like I have issues in class and am struggling. It made me feel unwelcome and insecure about my place in class and it made the class room feel very hostile and unwelcoming to me. I was already very anxious and stressed because I was late (which is something I am struggling with and working on).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this isn't a great option because it deprives you of the opportunity to deal with your issues with the girl or yourself directly (again, you don't have to do anything and your feelings are valid and normal).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's perfectly valid - remember to focus on solving the issue (and not winning).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would really focus on what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want to accomplish. You deserve to feel safe and be happy in school. School is a very challenging and stressful time for a lot of people (it was for me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="4527" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T09:33:26.510" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T09:33:26.510" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19496" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19489" CreationDate="2018-10-24T09:19:51.007" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off I like it that you try to change the situation and that apparently you have a good relationship to your cousin.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;All said, my cousin is good to me. There is always mutual help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a good starting point for you. I deal with people on a daily basis - yes, I live (just joking). I mean I train and coach people. So here are some ideas what you can do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Changing other People&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry, I have to take that away from you. You can't change people. That has never worked. The other person has to decide for themselves. I've worked with people who resist and you don't stand a chance - even though you know what you're doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is change yourself and/or your behaviour. This will for sure affect all the people around you. Also it's waayyy easier, since you want to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When have you noticed that changing you changed your cousin?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What can you change now?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Best Option&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's great that you see the good intent in his action. Whatever people do to people they like or love, it's coming from a good place. There's a Indian saying &quot;You can only judge someone, if you walked in their shoes.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case: Maybe he wants to protect your mom from the all the bad things that happen because she can't change it anyway. He feels like it would hurt her somehow. Yeah a better option would be saying nothing. There's a chance he's trained by his social environment that this is the way to go. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever the case. Unless you know the answer there's no reason to feel like you're feeling right now. These bad emotions are not helping you to solve this. Good emotions though will make you feel better until you have your answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What good intent could your cousin have to lie at this point? ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You're What You Say&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's a simple one: Language affects us on a subconscious level. So if you take with your mom how shitty the situation is - how does that both make you feel? Does that change the situation in any way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What people love to do is talk about the issue with everyone else besides the other person who really is the involved party. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Would it make a difference to stop talking about it until you solved the issue?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions are Powerful&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one was a real eye opener to me. Asking the right questions makes a difference in the conversations you have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me give you an example: Usually when you have a conversion it goes like this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Other: &quot;Good. You?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: &quot;That sound's great. I've seen him lately..&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Other: &quot;Really. I have..&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Normally you don't think about what kind of questions you can ask rather than telling something of your own. Here's the point though: if you want to change a persons perspective you have let them decide for themselves. With questions you change the focus of a person and let them find their own solutions. Have you noticed that I'm not advising you rather than asking questions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some examples for good questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Never ask the WHY Questions (goes to the past). The only thing you'll get, is a defensive justification.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Open questions like: What are you trying to accomplish with the lying (please be fair at this point since you don't know his intention)? How does that help your relationship my mom?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which one of these feel good to you? What other questions could you come up with to let him reflect?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Circular Questions (Advanced)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This takes some practice and is a good technique. What you basically do is ask the following: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Imagine you're my mom and have her feelings. How would it make you feel to be lied to? Would you want other people to lie to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your cousin to change he has to decide for himself that he wants to change something. This only works if he feels how your mom feels about it. It's important that you yourself feel relaxed when you have this conversation. Emotions are infectious. If you're angry, he'll be angry soon enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What kind of circular questions (change of perspective) can you ask him that you think will work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps somehow. Feel free to ask any questions :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20177" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T18:44:25.540" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T18:44:25.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19497" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19498" CreationDate="2018-10-24T09:35:22.193" Score="19" ViewCount="4568" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would like to ask for advice about my current situation, my girlfriend (26) and I (31) have been together for 2 months now and we really have lots in common and always have a great time together but! I am an IT guy so I am into technology very much and currently own a Nintendo Switch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really quite enjoy some video games (like Hand of fate 2, dark souls, doom, etc..), it is a way to entertain myself, to clear my head a bit after work and I do not play much at all, around 6 hours per week and some weeks I do not play at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, she despises video games from the bottom of her heart, her position is quite radical. I do not get why, when I try to explain why I like to play her answer is something like &quot;&lt;em&gt;-video games are for freaky and creepy nerds-&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and that's it! I cannot discuss any further about it, she just doesn't hear me at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could just sell my console and not play anymore, but I would like to first try to make her understand me, since she does not give me any reasonable answer about it so I would like to ask for some advice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I explain to her that it is something I enjoy?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks a lot in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To add some more details about it, our relationship is pretty new and this is the first major disagreement we have had so far.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried so little to be honest because she just does not want to listen, like really, she just says things like &quot;&lt;em&gt;no no, that's for creepies, for smelly nerds&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and stuff like that, I have tried to explain to her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That it is no different from watching series or movies (which she&#xA;does).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That I only play in my spare time when we do not meet normally after&#xA;work and would never prefer to play instead of meeting her or doing&#xA;something together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;To explain that it helps me to clear my mind after work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually tried to show her and explain a video game once and after 20 seconds she told me &quot;&lt;em&gt;are we going to do something else?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and that was it, I just turned it off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was quite surprised because our communication is very good actually, we have discussed important matters openly in a very productive way, but with this topic she gets just too aggressive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks again for your answers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19936" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-11-04T00:12:43.030" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T06:41:33.533" Title="How to explain to my girlfriend that I enjoy certain video games?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19498" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19497" CreationDate="2018-10-24T10:02:12.240" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all - it sounds to me that the issue here is that there is some aspect in your life that your girlfriend would not hear out and not &quot;video games&quot;. So if I got this wrong - please let me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A common approach that has worked for me is scoping this directly:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I care about you and want to have a relationship which we both share our feelings &#xA;   and be open and vulnerable with each other. When you say that computer games are for &quot;creepy nerds&quot; I find it hurtful because I really value you and your opinion. It makes me feel not accepted and am judged. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then contrast it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know you care about me and I enjoy spending time with you. I think we have a very positive relationship and I enjoy it. I really want to be at a point where we accept and encourage each other. I have hobbies I enjoy and I really want to be able to talk to you about it and feel safe with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And follow up with an invitation to dialog:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can we sit down and talk about what bothers you about computer games? I promise to listen and hear you out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then listen and hear her out. Do not attack her criticism even if you disagree - do not validate it either but validate her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some examples things that she might be feeling:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She might feel computer games are stealing you from her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She might feel you are dedicating time to things that harm you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She might have negative pre-conceptions of computer games.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Really - we don't actually &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; what she is feeling or why her thoughts are coming from that place. That's why dialog and honest communication is so important here in my opinion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is really not something that you need to judge but rather something for you to work out together on. If she has negative pre-conceptions challenge those in a way that does not challenge her and makes her understand you accept her even if she does note accept your love of video games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal here is to improve communication with her in general and encourage safety. There are two issues:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She does not like video games - this is fine. My wife doesn't like computer games either (I love them). She told me after 10 years of marriage that she was being defensive because when she was young her parents didn't get her computer games because she was a girl and she was envious. She's more open to gaming now. (Your girlfriend's experience might be different).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is having a hard time debating a touchy subject with you. It is very important to work on this! This sort of issue will inevitably show up in a relationship. Be non-judgmental and accepting - modelling the behaviour you want to see from her and hear her out.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is great you want to figure this out and work on it. Build up safety and trust and make sure this is a conversation and not an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="4527" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T11:26:40.727" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T11:26:40.727" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19500" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19497" CreationDate="2018-10-24T10:14:43.897" Score="11" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;-video games are for freaky and creepy nerds-&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You play video games. Does that make you a freaky and creepy nerd? I'm not sure I would really like that accusation (and generalisation) from my SO.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do think that this gives an avenue to explain this to her though. Ask her about that reasoning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You're suggesting video games are only for creepy nerds. If I like video games, would you consider me a creepy nerd? I'm only playing a few hours a week, it doesn't define who I am, it's just something I enjoy doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point, she can either stay to her views and effectively judge you as a creepy nerd, or maybe start to understand that the world isn't so black and white.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The latter of course is the preferential outcome, but the former also tells you a lot about your SO and your relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-11-04T00:14:48.307" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T00:14:48.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19501" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-24T11:44:55.460" Score="3" ViewCount="418" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to give this exhausting question, but I want to be sure I state every important detail. This question has 2 parts, both, I feel, have something in common.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To give some background about myself, I am a big extrovert - it's quite okay for me to just start talking with girls at train and go out with them to be friends later on. I am now at university and while on college, I have friends next door which I visit every day when I am alone in my dorm room (mostly because I am just not a type of person who feels comfortable to be alone for more than couple of hours). I am a programmer - programming since 11, now being 22. 119 IQ points in Mensa test. I am not afraid to ask and I like to know the details. Any problem bugging my mind is bugging me until I get to know the answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It all started at elementary school already. I was really not afraid to ask - for most of the other students - stupid questions. For me they didn't seem stupid because I see many perspectives the thing isn't clean in. The same was at high school - aimed at IT &amp;amp; Programming. Now, as on university, being in a hall of 300 other students, I am really trying to hold back before asking anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had a very good friend of mine, who then stopped seeing me for some reasons (not exactly sure about all of them), but one of the reasons she stopped to like me were &quot;You ask too much questions, its sometimes annoying&quot; or &quot;You try to detailize things too much&quot;. I am currently being with a girlfriend for 2 and a half year already and it's sometimes happening with her too. Why does almost nobody understand my need to know things? And why is this happening to me? All the thoughts that I considered were me being &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;seeing the problem from many perspectives, making me analytical, open-minded (maybe a lot connected to my programmer thinking?), maybe a good sign of intelligence?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;not being able to get what others say - maybe low EQ, low empathy?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;just too dumb to somehow interpret the answers and reading between the lines?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here comes the second part. Let's say I have a female friend on the same university as my GF. When my GF tells me a story about that friend hurting her feelings, I always try to see it from another perspective and show it to her (that correlates a lot with the way I think over things), in which, for example, I say something like &quot;I don't think she meant it as bad as you heard it. Couldn't she mean it &amp;lt;&amp;lt;&amp;lt;{this}&gt;&gt;&gt; way?&quot; The response is often something like &quot;Why do you always defend her like this? Why are you never on my side?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am really trying to be supportive as much as I can, and when she's down and is driven by her emotions I just try to rationalize the behaviour more than just agree with her. Is it just better to shut the mouth and agree with my GF even I know she could be wrong and it potentially worsens the relationship with this specific person? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22637" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-07-11T21:52:42.580" LastActivityDate="2019-07-11T21:52:42.580" Title="Is my overthinking bad or good? How to support an emotional girlfriend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-10-24T12:14:48.243" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19502" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19497" CreationDate="2018-10-24T11:46:43.313" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is quite normal for a happy, functional couple to have different interests and enjoy different things. The secret to a successful relationship can be more about how you deal with differences than about the things you have in common. We are all individuals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my own experience: my wife and I have a number of things we like to do together - activities out of the home and things we both like to watch on TV. I have a few nerdy interests of my own that she isn't interested in; likewise, she has hobbies and interests of her own. If I say I want to spend time doing something she doesn't like, she sees that as a chance to do her own thing, and vice-versa. I think that is quite healthy. If she has ever complained about me doing something she doesn't like, for example watching &lt;em&gt;Doctor Who&lt;/em&gt;, I just jokingly say &quot;&lt;em&gt;it's my 'football'&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, which she finds funny and totally understands. It is so common that men spend time away from their wives and girlfriends watching/playing football that it's a cliche. Personally, I can't stand football, and I've found making that connection helpful because my wife knows from the experience of her friends that this is &quot;normal&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So your girlfriend not liking video games while you do like them is neither unusual nor a problem in itself. The problem is really &lt;em&gt;how she deals with this&lt;/em&gt;. It seems like she actually &lt;em&gt;opposes&lt;/em&gt; you playing them to the point that you feel you have to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My first suggested approach is to see if you can soften her stance towards them. You need to find out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is it video games themselves that she is opposed to, or does she just dislike the time you devote to them? (which, if you're being honest, isn't that much)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you had a different interest - say, sports - would she allow you the time to devote to that?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you already do spend time doing other things that she is not interested and do not encounter any resistance then you already have an answer to these. If not, just ask her outright:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there another pastime that I could do instead of playing video games? If I joined a gym or a football team, would you be okay with that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure you use an example of something she would not want to accompany you on. You need to determine if it is just video games she objects to, or the time apart.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; need to call her bluff and actually do something else that takes you away from her for a time - maybe play a one-off game of sports or something. See how she deals with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are sure it is just video games then try reasoning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You say video games are for nerds. Well, do you think I'm a nerd? Do you think I would change who I am if I stopped playing video games? Don't you love me for who I am anyway?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after all this you come to believe that she is just being &lt;em&gt;clingy&lt;/em&gt; then you need to talk this out too. Not to escalate this too much, but if she is just &quot;jealous&quot; of the time you spend on something without her, she may have some deep-seated insecurities that could even call for a bit of counselling. But don't be too alarmed - many younger people, as well as people of any age in &lt;em&gt;new&lt;/em&gt; relationships, can be a little insecure. Make sure that as well as spending time on your own hobbies and interests that you make plenty of time to do things &lt;em&gt;together&lt;/em&gt; as well. Reassure her of your feelings as often as you can. If she doesn't have any hobbies or interests of her own, encourage her to find something. And if she does, show an interest in it. In my own experience, a comparison helps my wife understand my enjoyment of something she doesn't like. If your girlfriend won't even discuss video games, getting her to relate to your interest by comparing with an interest of her own, or maybe even another common male interest that she &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; understand, is a way of &quot;discussing it without discussing it&quot; and might even help soften towards video games.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T13:34:09.603" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T13:34:09.603" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19504" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19490" CreationDate="2018-10-24T11:55:01.823" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ok.. let's just check I've got this series of events correct:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You were late to class (because you deemed your phone call more important)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You asked the teacher to remove your abscence/lateness from your record.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;A girl in the class exclaimed &quot;get out of here!&quot; to you (this may or may not have been related to your rude and disruptive behavior of arriving late to class)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;em&gt;wanted to beat this girl in response&lt;/em&gt; or possibly shout obscenities at her.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additionally you have decided that you consider this girl to be both ugly inside and to have an &quot;ugly face&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Should I become very angry at her and act upon my anger?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answer is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No, you should not respond to people you find &quot;irritating&quot; by acting on your anger, especially not when that the actions that you seem to want to do include hurling abuse or worse, violence at them!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I deal with such mean people that next time, not to repeat it again? How can I make her changed her mean attitude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't control what other people are going to do, only your own responses to their actions. And I hate to break it to you, but you're going to encounter a few more &quot;mean&quot; actions in your life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Feeling a momentary flash of irritation, or even anger is normal - actually indulging that feeling by giving it head space or emotional energy only hurts one person in the long run - and that's you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't control other people's actions - but a good rule of thumb for &lt;em&gt;reducing&lt;/em&gt; the instances where people are &quot;mean&quot; to you is by being considerate of others, and that is something you &lt;strong&gt;can&lt;/strong&gt; control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T12:54:39.140" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T12:54:39.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19506" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19501" CreationDate="2018-10-24T12:13:35.693" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can relate to your story very much. I am also geared to analyzing / problem solving and also a programmer professionally. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I learned, over the years, is that sometimes in private situations I kind of got the &quot;problem&quot; definition wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your girlfriend tells you somebody hurt her feelings, the problem at hand is not how to improve future interactions - the problem at hand is healing the ache.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about about it this way: If she jammed her finger in the car door, she needs a band aid, not a lecture about how to use a car door. She probably learned that lesson herself already. If she keeps struggling with car doors, she will probably come to you and ask you to explain them to her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to learn when she needs emotional support vs &quot;technical&quot; support. With my wife I sometimes simply ask: Do you want a solution or do you want to be comforted?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also learned to take a step back on helping, for that same matter: Sometimes achieving a mediocre result &lt;strong&gt;yourself&lt;/strong&gt; feels better than having someone else help you achieve an outstanding result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So TLDR: &lt;em&gt;Listen carefully and make sure you understand the real problem - only offer a solution if asked to. It also makes you a better Programmer in the end ´cause getting the requirements right is already half the job&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T12:13:35.693" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19507" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19508" CreationDate="2018-10-24T13:52:19.027" Score="9" ViewCount="457" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People in my academic department office like to talk loudly, and today, there was boisterous laughing, which caused me to lose concentration. How do I indicate that they need to quiet down, politely?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Background:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I work as an unpaid intern in the school department X (Graduate school internship)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I do not know and am not acquainted with the people talking loudly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am out of sight in my cubicle, but close enough that I can &lt;em&gt;very clearly&lt;/em&gt; hear them chatting and laughing&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have no privacy, no doors to close, or anything to indicate or reduce the noise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are co-workers in the same department, but are all older than me- they are professors and research assistants. There are only a few (2 to 4) graduate student interns in other cubicles.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I tried:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clearing my throat loudly to indicate there is someone here&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sighing annoyingly to indicate that I am not happy with the noise&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I realize that they may not have heard these.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question:&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How do I indicate that people need to respect others who are concentrating in the workplace (AKA me), through an interpersonal skill involving body language (looking at them?), sound (clearing throat?), and/or spoken words?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to maintain that I would like to keep up my politeness because they are my professors and people I don't want to alienate myself from, just because I'm sour to them once or twice because they're just socializing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any edits? Let me know, and I will add as needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T09:01:28.107" Title="How to respond to loud people in workplace?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="9" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19508" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19507" CreationDate="2018-10-24T15:10:36.113" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I indicate that people need to respect others who are concentrating in the workplace (AKA me), through an interpersonal skill involving body language (looking at them?), sound (clearing throat?), and/or spoken words?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I would start by seeing things from their perspective. It's likely they don't see themselves as disrespectful - maybe they see themselves as people talking in a tone they feel is appropriate in their workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is very unlikely you'll be able to change them or their behaviour or convince them to be quiet starting with a &quot;they should not be rude&quot;. Especially given you have not even told them that the loud noise bothers you yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start by raising the objective issue to the relevant parties:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'm having a really hard time concentrating when things are loud around me. This is really frustrating for me. Can we talk about how we communicate in the open space?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that there explicitly is no criticism there nor an implication that they are disrespectful. You want to solve the &quot;loud noise&quot; issue and not a &quot;disrespect&quot; issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I would follow up with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I realise we all work here and need to get along. I don't want to suggest anything that might make you less happy at work. Do you think there is any way for me to have a quiet working environment when I need to focus? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then listen for what they have to say, when approaching people with your actual problem (rather than criticism) and explaining you're not attacking them but rather want to figure out a solution together it usually goes a long way in terms of their willingness to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not be fixated on &quot;them being quiet&quot; as a solution. You can work out quiet hours or times, quiet spaces, a &quot;if a discussion goes on longer than X then take it outside&quot; rule, maybe someone there has access to a quiet space you can use or any number of different solutions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The kind thing would be to have a discussion with them first and see if you can work out a solution in which all parties are happy. It does not sound like a zero-sum game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T15:10:36.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19509" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-24T15:45:55.393" Score="9" ViewCount="950" Body="&lt;p&gt;In online dating, people often find themselves in a situation where they are in contact with someone but do not want to continue the encounter and need to terminate it somehow. Doing this in a good way for both the person wanting to end the contact and the recipient of the rejection is not always easy. As a result, some people simply stop writing, hoping the other person won't write again and will eventually &quot;go away&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not happy with this solution, as I know how stressful it can be to wait for a reply that doesn't come. For that reason, I &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to let the other person know that I'm no longer interested, but now I don't know how to do this best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to explain the actual reason. I have found that this can be rather hurtful, especially if it hits on a nerve where the other person is sensitive. Also, it invites discussions and retaliation. (I have especially found &quot;You're not my type&quot; – recommended &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/1183/how-to-nicely-tell-someone-i-am-not-interested-in-a-second-date&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; – to lead to unpleasant return messages.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also don't want to devalue the effort the other person put into writing me or the exchange that might have been going on by a brief (and cold) declaration of disinterest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So what is a good way to break of contact in online dating?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Good&quot; meaning:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;not hurtful (even to sensitive persons)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;not a lot of work (for me)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22697" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T19:07:15.517" Title="How to say that you are not interested in online dating?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19510" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19507" CreationDate="2018-10-24T16:10:32.010" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a difficult problem in many workplaces (including mine). &lt;strong&gt;You will need to be direct about what you want, why you want it, and why your request is reasonable enough that they should cooperate.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you have already tried is understandable but is perhaps the worst possible approach-- it's indirect, unclear, and easy to overlook/ignore. &lt;strong&gt;Body language and arbitrary noises are not sufficient to express what you want, to the people to whom you want to express it, in a way that you can rely on being understood.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone might clear their throat or sigh loudly for any number of reasons, and the implicit setup of such actions is that it's 100% on others to 1) understand that you are unhappy, 2) with them, 3) for reasons due to their behavior, 4) that they can clearly identify and interpret, and 5) focus on catering to your happiness. Passive-aggressive signs do nothing other than express the face of your unhappiness, which other people may not care about very much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people even actively reject such behavior, with the result that they will be even &lt;em&gt;less&lt;/em&gt; likely to cooperate with you even when they perfectly understand your needs. It's much better to be direct and explain what you want and why the should help you to have it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry to intrude on your conversation, but I'm having some trouble focusing on my work due to some of the noise. I have to be here to get [tasks] done on time. Is there any way I could impose on you to speak a bit more quietly, or step outside?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as expressing why your request is reasonable, there are a few issues to keep in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is a shared space, to which you have no more right than these&#xA;others&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;A great deal of academic work is collaborative&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Noise may not be totally predictable&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's easy to lose a sense of proportion in the face of something so&#xA;irritating to you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are a low-status individual in this organization&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first is the biggest problem. Unless it's clearly marked out a as a quiet space, your preference for it to be quiet doesn't necessarily override their preference to talk casually with one another. Especially if this is more of a once-in-a-while thing rather than an all-day-every-day sort of thing, it can be hard to clearly lay out how much noise (and how often) is too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my own office I sit near a loud group of people, and they are loud pretty often. Their camaraderie is really important to them in that department. On balance they are significantly disruptive for less than 30 minutes at a stretch, and so on most days they are disrupting about 1/16th of my workday at most. It's not necessarily appropriate, but it's a hard sell to say that I can't get my work done due to that alone (there is plenty of other time, and plenty of other ways to arrange it). This is the case even though my productivity is compromised during those times, and some work tasks (like studying academic publications) are absolutely impossible for me in that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second bullet is a problem because working together is a crucial part of a lot of academic work, and developing and maintaining personal relationships is often an element of that. That doesn't mean that they need to do it in the office, but just because it isn't advancing &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; work doesn't mean that it isn't ultimately productive for the larger organization.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Predictability of noise can be an issue, especially if you are sensitive to it. For example, some people have loud laughs, and if they hear something funny it may not be a conscious decision to make that noise. They may &lt;em&gt;intend&lt;/em&gt; to be quiet, but it just doesn't work out (for whatever reason). Sometimes what is meant to be a brief, meaningless, small-talk greeting becomes an inescapable conversation. It's also hard to evaluate noise in a meaningful way-- most people have no idea how many decibels it takes to be heard in different circumstances, so they can't know that they are being too loud for you without you telling them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Losing a sense of proportion is a big issue for me. When I hear my loud coworkers, I go from whatever mood I was in to very annoyed in about half a second, and remain irritated even if the noise stops after a minute or two. It took conscious effort to identify that such a small portion of my day was affected by that noise, and my personal sense of grievance was too great for the actual situation. I am, simply, no longer a reliable assessor of how noisy they are being because my annoyance is now more of a &lt;em&gt;habit&lt;/em&gt; than a true response to the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, as a graduate intern, you have very little pull in the office. This workplace is probably not intended to cater to you as much as the professors, and so the &lt;em&gt;fact&lt;/em&gt; of your preference for more quiet will not be as impressive to them as your &lt;em&gt;rationale&lt;/em&gt; for why more quiet is a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T16:10:32.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19511" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19528" CreationDate="2018-10-24T16:25:23.827" Score="12" ViewCount="1746" Body="&lt;h2&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to befriend a coworker with similar hobbies and values but I'm afraid I'd either sound awkward or flirty. How can I make him understand I'd like to become friends?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been working in the same company for 9 months now. There's a coworker I met around the time I started that I recently got to know better after attending a programming boot camp he organized. There were 6 of us at the camp and we learned quite a bit about each other during our lunch breaks, where the atmosphere was more relaxed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to befriend this coworker, but there are two main issues that prevent me from doing it quite naturally:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He's a divorced man who's almost 20 years older than me and as I'm a very sociable woman. I'm afraid my sympathy would come across as flirting with him, and I really don't want that. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't have many friends anymore, most of them left after graduation and I want to make new friends. It's been a while since I last befriended someone and I suspect that coming to see him and saying &quot;Hey! You seem nice. Let's be friends!&quot; may not work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I tried so far&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I invited him to have lunch together at work. I accompanied him to buy some food and we came back to the office and ate with two other colleagues who extemporaneously joined us. I told him afterwards that I spent a nice time and he answered saying we could do it again on the days where he's free. This happened very recently so we haven't had lunch together again since.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Although this is not primarily driven by my will of befriending him, I send emails or come to see him whenever I'm stuck with an issue related to the language he organizes boot camps about. This gives me the occasion of asking him how he's doing, and he doesn't seem bothered by the question.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I signify to my coworker that I'd like to spend more time with him as a friend, without sounding awkward or flirty?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T16:54:40.967" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T23:04:49.480" Title="How to signify to a coworker I'd like to become friends?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;making-friends&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19512" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-24T16:30:50.593" Score="14" ViewCount="2109" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm uncertain how to deal with a family issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My 15-year-old daughter is being hounded by her aunt for $8,000, for no good reason, and she's kept phoning her cellphone morning, noon and night.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She told me she's terrified and worries about how to get the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As it is, she's a quiet kid, not obsessed with money or status, and a pleasant person to be around, all my friends say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The aunt harassing my daughter is my one of my five sisters-in-law, by the way, not my sister (who lives in the U.S.).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel angry and upset, and told my wife about this, but we're pretty clueless on how to deal with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I approach my sister-in-law to get her to stop/resolve this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please help me. I don't know what to do for the best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22698" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-27T16:44:04.863" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T01:15:22.327" Title="How to deal with aunt harassing my 15-year-old daughter for money?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;bullying&gt;&lt;harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19515" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19511" CreationDate="2018-10-24T18:09:25.480" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last time I did it, I did it through the hobbies.  We shared a love for a hobby activity, and I invited her to join one.  It worked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thinking about why I might be reluctant to join a younger woman for something, I might be worried about possible romantic intentions.  I might be afraid of being socially awkward (and I am often).  I might not want to get into a one-on-one situation.  I might want some assurance of enjoying what happened.  I might want to maintain the ability to back out with no hard feelings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the reason to get together was completely non-romantic.  Any awkwardness could be at least glossed over by concentrating on the activity.  It would be a group activity, so nobody would be semi-required to interact with any other in a non-structured way.  The activity would be fun.  If she hadn't liked it, she could have thanked me and said that she was not interested in that activity, and continued refusing other offers until I got the hint that she wasn't interested (seriously, I'm happily married because I couldn't recognize a brush-off forty years ago).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It was much like working together, in some ways, and so wasn't much of a step.  Semi-task-oriented activities are great for meeting others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18513" LastEditorUserId="18513" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T18:39:11.577" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T18:39:11.577" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19516" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4306" CreationDate="2018-10-24T18:17:42.560" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Although this question has a great, accepted answer, I'd like to add another technique/approach to handling such conversations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recently had to have a conversation that I knew I'd be emotional about. To prepare, I decided to write out the points I wanted to get across and questions I wanted answered. I ended up having these notes in front of me as I had the conversation. It helped me stay on track as to what I wanted answered and what I wanted to express to the other person. It helped keep my emotions in check because I could just look down at my notes and focus on what I needed to get out of the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation went incredibly smoothly and emotions were not heightened on either side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T18:17:42.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19517" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19509" CreationDate="2018-10-24T18:50:20.880" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I completely agree with your concerns on how it can be difficult to terminate a conversation with online dating and commend that you would like a softer method.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found worked fairly well for myself was to acknowledge the  conversation (I think for single messages its acceptable if you choose not to reply but this is certainly something you can decide) and insist on a relatively nondescript reason based on you and close the conversation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;it's been really nice talking to you but I just don't feel that we are a good match. Hope it works out better next time though.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By closing out the conversation with some form of better luck next time it signals that you are not up for discussion on this while still indicating good will.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T18:50:20.880" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19518" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="4306" CreationDate="2018-10-24T18:56:53.133" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Plan on having several conversations with that person, using each one to work up to the topics which one or the other of you are going to find to be confrontational or unpleasant. There's no need to put everything that needs to addressed into a single phone conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Call the person, exchange pleasantries, and then have a short conversation which reacquaints the two of you. Don't force things, and avoid bringing up topics which you know or suspect are going to make you or that person angry or upset. Surely you have many commonalities that you can discuss; and there are always updates on family members, that person or your careers, events concerning people who you both know, and even the weather if things get slow. From that conversation, get a sense of how things are between the two of you and then leave future conversations open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;if or when the two of you decide to talk again (as it is important that you BOTH see the need to have a relationship of any consequence. Extrinsic needs are not as important) then if the conversation turns towards the areas where you see there being conflict, then let it happen SLOWLY. Don't get angry or upset; listen to that person's point of view and determine where their perceptions of things or of you don't match your own. When they finish, state your own feelings and impressions about the matter, in a civil and an adult tone. Don't get angry, or too emotional, as that may cause you to say things which are not going to be beneficial as far getting your points across. Again, listen to what they say in response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If THAT conversation goes well, then either begin a regular phone/email/video chat schedule with that person. Make sure that it is something that THEY want to do, not just something that others are pressing them to do. As you become more comfortable, you both will begin to unburden yourselves of the things which caused your rift, and you may become friends or even close when you do so.Even if you don't, then you'll at least become civil, and that should be a minimum that your family members should be seeking. After all, YOU get to decide with whom you are going to be friends with as that always your prerogative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally...if things don't work out, then they don't work out. Again, your family or loved ones cannot dictate to you who you are supposed to be friends or closer with; that's your decision. All that you can do is attempt to lower the tensions between you and the other person and hope that they have an interest in doing the same. Anything else that occurs beyond that is a bonus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22701" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T18:56:53.133" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19520" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19509" CreationDate="2018-10-24T19:07:15.517" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Online dating is not very much different than real life encounters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't think that there's a connection between the two of you, then contact the person and state that. Don't bother with the presumptive &quot;We can still be friends&quot; as that indicates that you ARE friends and that you have determined that the other person should be satisfied with that. Simply tell them that while you enjoyed the time that you spent together (even if you really didn't) you just don't see things moving past that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the person is a stable adult (which hopefully you determined BEFORE you decided to go on a date with them) then they will understand and move on with their life. If they become angry or bitter, simply wrap the conversation up and move on with your life. If they continue to contact you, block them online and no longer respond to their texts or phone calls. Ideally, you haven't brought them to your home before getting to know them well, so you won't have to be concerned about their showing up unannounced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply let them know that you don't see a future in things with them, do so in a manner that preserves their dignity and feelings while still getting your point across and move forward with your life. Again online is no different than real life. You tell people how you feel and let them deal with it on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22702" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T19:07:15.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19521" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19511" CreationDate="2018-10-24T19:08:19.723" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had success making friends with coworkers through hobbies. Both myself and my coworker play badminton so we started meeting at the same gym to play, granted in this scenario we are both straight men so there was very little risk of romantic intentions but I still think if you would like to be friends outside of the office you should look at what you have in common outside of the office, otherwise it's fairly simple to be friendly acquaintances in the office.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address your concerns that this may come off flirty, the age gap should help to lessen the risk of that but to be sure just try to keep things professional, be careful about touching and perhaps avoid discussion about relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T19:08:19.723" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19523" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19489" CreationDate="2018-10-24T19:21:45.353" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First things first&lt;/strong&gt;: Your mom is an adult. If she found your cousin being untruthful to be more than a minor concern, she has a lifetime of tools at her disposal that she can employ to change that situation whenever she chooses to use. For whatever reason, she has decided not to do so and she is willing to tolerate your cousin's attempts to deceive her. That doesn't concern you personally as again she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are really concerned about your cousin's deceit, then take him to lunch or dinner somewhere and ask him about it in a non-judgmental way. He may get embarrassed or even slightly angry; but unless he is suffering from a serious mental or emotional illness, he'll see that you have &quot;caught&quot; him and that he needs to change his tactics with you. Let him know that you love him and that you support him, but that you REALLY need him to be honest with you as it makes it difficult for you to trust him when he isn't. Again, if he's stable mentally (except for the deceit) this conversation should end with the two of you becoming closer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he isn't mentally stable, then perhaps you might consider having a conversation with those close to him. If they don't suffer the same or similar problems, then they know how he is and they too might be interested in getting him help. Don't be mean or judgmental; simply point out that your cousin &quot;likes to tell stories&quot; and that you are concerned about this. Leave your mother out of this as,, again, she has the tools to handle herself and bringing her into things &quot;muddies&quot;the waters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your mother isn't a child.&#xA;She know's how your cousin is and she is choosing to accept him as he is or in hopes that he will change. Unless his actions present some kind fo danger to her, then your best bet is to work on your relationship with your cousin and allow your mother to handle her own relationship with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22702" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T19:21:45.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19524" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19497" CreationDate="2018-10-24T19:21:51.927" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to be blunt, it sounds like you aren't really compatible and may need to rethink your relationship. No healthy relationship should require you to justify or defend your interests or how you spend your time - partners should be supportive and respect the differences and unique interests we all have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in your situation (being a fairly 'nerdy' gamer myself), and I used to pretend that I wasn't so into gaming to seem less geeky to the girls I dated. Then I realised I wasn't being true to myself, and also found myself eventually lying to them about how I was spending my time, which is really unhealthy for any relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By all means try and talk to her about it some more, but it sounds like she's reacting quite immaturely to the discussion, by refusing to engage with the conversation and provide any reasonable justification for her opinion, so the chances of her changing her attitude are quite slim.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T19:21:51.927" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19527" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-24T21:46:45.447" Score="8" ViewCount="881" Body="&lt;p&gt;Our family takes turns watching over my grandpa since he's 92 and cannot live independently without assistance.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;I was at my grandpa's house over lunch and &quot;Alice&quot; stops by which was unusual- she is the mother of a man who is closer to my parents and they know each other through church- I'm not that close to Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandpa and I were eating at the table in the kitchen when Alice came to visit. After some chit-chat (asking how they were doing, talking about family, etc.) Alice started kissing my grandpa and he placed his hand on her breasts under her shirt. They continued to kiss and touch each other and I was silent. It seemed like they were pretending that I was not present while doing all of this. I kept my eyes adverted but I could see that my grandpa was pulling Alice's shirt as much as he could to expose her breasts. I quickly finished my meal, washed my dish and left quietly without saying anything.&#xA;I went back to work and Alice was not there when my brother came to stay with grandpa that evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to make my movements not come off as rushed or aggressive in any way and tried to act as if I was unfazed. But honestly I was very uncomfortable and wouldn't want to be in that situation again. I feel bad for leaving my grandpa when I was supposed to be watching over him but he was unattended for a few hours at most.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I could have handled the situation much better than I did so I'm looking to talk over this with my grandpa in case it happens again.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;I want to express to him that I care about him- I do not mind his romantic interactions or relationship with Alice- but the situation for me was uncomfortable and I was not okay with the intense PDA that happened in front of me. I'm not sure of an effective way to communicate this to him.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Misc. notes that may or may not be relevant on the situation:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a young adult living in the United States&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandpa can hardly walk and has some cognitive and memory issues; Alice is about 70 years old and can walk and drive&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My family doesn't have anything against Alice but we do not trust her to care for grandpa&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandma (grandpa's wife) passed away 25 years ago and he did have a girlfriend for a few years but she also passed away a couple of years ago. Alice's husband is also deceased but my family believes her son would be very angry if he found out about this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My grandpa is very religious and conservative- so this behavior seems unusual but I understand that his desires are probably very human/natural&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastEditorUserId="36" LastEditDate="2018-10-24T22:44:43.807" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T17:41:03.787" Title="How can I talk to my grandfather about his public display of affections with a woman in my presence?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;grandparents&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19528" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19511" CreationDate="2018-10-24T22:55:05.157" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be honest and direct.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation is a bit easier to handle than the alternative where you are trying to make a friendship at work into something more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For work-related lunches, etc, I see no need to do anything differently than what you have done: you have an open invitation to continue organizing lunches together. That's pretty normal coworker behavior, and common even for coworkers who would otherwise never see each other outside of work-related functions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you want to invite this person to something else outside of work you have a shared interest in, it's fine to make your expectations known. Unlike another answer that suggested you just share your hobbies together platonically, doing hobby activities together is also a normal part of starting a non-platonic relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Invite your coworker to whatever activity or event you might have shared interest in, express briefly that you don't want to be misinterpreted as looking for anything besides a friend, and let him respond. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Possible scenarios:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You are on the same page, no problem, and no further worries for you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He was uncertain what you were looking for and now you will have clarified and avoided future awkwardness.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He had other interests and now can politely bow out if those are his only interests.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only the last one really comes with a negative for you: you might have lost a chance to have a buddy, but at the same time you've avoided awkwardness in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T22:55:05.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19529" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19511" CreationDate="2018-10-24T23:04:49.480" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;TL:DR You need to find value in him and he in you that is outside of attraction, whether that be a common colleague that you both hate or a hobby or even a conversation. If it the value is based on attraction then you risk pushing towards a relationship. And if there is no value, then you will just remain polite work acquaintances.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to find something in common, outside of one anthers company. As in if all you do is go out to lunch together or go and check in on him at work, there is a high chance of this being misconstrued as either flirtation OR work friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other facet is just doing things together. This typically works better for strengthening a bond that is already there. And once you two are comfortable as friends this is absolutely something you should do. BUT When used from the get go, it comes off as relationshippy (Which you are trying to avoid).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for direct actions. I would keep up the in work contact, going to lunch ect and getting to know each other. But as another answer said be careful of &quot;Flirty&quot; subjects and touching. Then once you have gotten to know each other well enough to find common interests, suggest you do those things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the specific conversation re: just wanting to be friends. That is something that I would leave until you are moving in the wrong direction and need to correct. At which point, you need to be firm that you value him as a friend and don't want anything more. Though if he values you for things other than attraction, then this will never get there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One little extra tid-bit friendship is usually something that happens a bit more spur of the moment, (A common feeling, or hobby) not so much something that is forced like this. As in people try to make friends, and force it sure, but not usually with 1 specific person. That is usually reserved for dating and relationships. Also it is much easier to befriend him as a part of a friend group than it is on your own with such a targeted approach.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastActivityDate="2018-10-24T23:04:49.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19531" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="905" CreationDate="2018-10-25T01:34:24.583" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This sounds like your friend has serious problems. And while I'm sorry to say it seems like only professionals can help your friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While talking your friend into seeking professional help would be best this has been discussed in other answers. What I'm describing here is the worst case scenario - when the only way to get your friend help is actually forcing them. Keep in mind that this answer is from a European perspective (Poland specifically) where there are public health services.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your last resort is actually calling an ambulance. Set up a meeting. If your friend has visible delusions during the meeting discreetly call 112 (or 911) and tell them about it. Keep your friend in check and in place until the ambulance gets there. This way once your friend gets to the hospital he should get a psychiatric consultation or might even be taken to a psychiatric hospital. Be warned: &lt;strong&gt;this might harm your relationship&lt;/strong&gt;. But if other solutions don't work this will at least get your friend some help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, to reiterate: this is based on my understanding of the public health system in Poland and the assumption it works similarly in most of Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22537" LastEditorUserId="22537" LastEditDate="2018-10-25T15:49:53.400" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T15:49:53.400" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19532" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19512" CreationDate="2018-10-25T03:30:21.087" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;TL;DR - Confront your Sister In Law, insist she deal with you directly rather than your daughter and then try reach an agreement with the help of your wife and after planning some key points for conflict resolution&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clearly &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; has happened to make your SIL think that your daughter should give her $8,000. What that something is will affect how you choose to act so the first thing to do is find out what happened. I suggest directly asking your SIL rather than your daughter because she is the one who has taken issue with it. Finding out exactly what it is she has taken issue with avoids any misunderstandings your daughter may have had and you can always fact check with her after.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next you will have to confront your SIL in order to change the way she is dealing with whatever problem it is she has. Currently she is boycotting you (the parents) to text, call and generally harass your daughter for $8,000. This basically screams exploitation and even if she isn't, the fact that she &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; be abusing your daughters youth/nativity in order to get more money is what makes this interaction &lt;strong&gt;NOT OKAY&lt;/strong&gt; and you need to tell your SIL that. If she has a genuine and reasonable problem with your daughter then tell her she must deal with you or your wife to resolve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Confrontation can be very tough and having the skill to resolve the conflict effectively takes even more practice. While a phone call might suffice (provided she doesn't hang up), if you can manage it I really suggest talking in person as it makes the interaction more genuine and gives more potential to convey what you are trying to say. I am quite shy and have spent a lot of time thinking about confrontation and figuring out what techniques work for me. I don't have an exactly mirrored example but will try to share some related cases and explain why the technique I used might help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Probably the biggest thing that helps me is &lt;em&gt;getting support&lt;/em&gt; and I think your wife should absolutely be doing this with you. It is her sister anyway and having two people helps a lot more than you would think. I once purchased faulty computer parts from my brothers friend. So in order to confront him about the faulty parts I got the support of my brother. Having a 3rd unrelated person in the midst of a confrontation can be distracting. However, any time there is a &lt;em&gt;reason&lt;/em&gt; for them to be there it is hands down my favourite technique. My brother was my connection to his friend so it made sense that he was there. Your wife is both the mother and the sister of the two people in question. It wouldn't make sense if she wasn't there. Having her there will essentially allow you to keep each other in check. If one gets too heated the other will notice and remind them to step back, one can remember to bring up a topic that the other forgot in the heat of the moment, after all, confrontations can be stressful and emotional. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Forgetting things in the heat of the moment is also why &lt;em&gt;planning key points&lt;/em&gt; is a good idea. This will simplify the different things you need to remember and make it a lot easier for you to stay on track, it also allows you to purposefully decide to use good conflict resolution techniques. Last xmas I had to confront my Aunt and tell her no about something she was insistent on. I was worried about how she would react and what I might say so I considered all the factors, researched good conflict resolution techniques and planned out the key points I wanted to meet in our conversation. As this is your daughter we are talking about I can imagine that this is serious for you (meaning it might get heated) and similarly I can't imagine the reasons for your SIL acting the way she has. Because of this I think adding structure to your conversation through planning is a good idea to keep things cool on track. After researching &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.londonleadingforhealth.nhs.uk/sites/default/files/Difficult_conversation_planner-LAL1.pdf&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;difficult conversations&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.amanet.org/training/articles/the-five-steps-to-conflict-resolution.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;conflict resolution&lt;/a&gt; and keeping in mind that it depends greatly on your SIL's reasoning, here is the general key points I think are important:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clearly and honestly explain your objective.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listen to your SIL's reasoning, figure out the source of the problem and show that you have heard her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Request solutions. Try to co-operate rather than compete. Even though her no longer harassing your daughter is non-negotiable, there are going to be other ways you each can compromise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Reach a resolution. Do not allow yourself to leave before it is over. If she wants to storm off ensure she understands the actions you will be taking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exactly how you resolve the situation is up to you, and will depend on your SIL's reasons so I can't really give any advice here, but what I will say is &lt;em&gt;follow up&lt;/em&gt;. Check with your daughter that she isn't still being harassed and if she is then act on that and stop it (There are dozens of ways to stop phone calls). If your SIL is communicating with you to get it resolved make sure she feels heard. Whatever you decide, try to resolve it quickly and if it does not meet your SIL's expectations give your reasons, be stern and do not tolerate it if she tries to harass your daughter any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="7354" LastEditDate="2018-10-25T10:48:34.717" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T10:48:34.717" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19534" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19512" CreationDate="2018-10-25T04:10:07.120" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This appears to be a problem of an irrational adult attacking a child. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first part of the solution is to protect the child. Children do need to learn to deal with conflict, but this is not a conflict of an appropriate scale for a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd start with boundaries. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Block the aunt so that she can’t call the child’s phone from their phone number. Your phone provider can probably tell you how to block a number.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If that doesn’t work—for example, if the aunt calls the child from other numbers, the next step can be to get the child another number. I can assure you from personal experience that it’s hard to call someone when you don’t have their number. :)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You could hang on to the old number, so that aunt doesn’t know that she’s failing in her effort to harass your child and is therefore less motivated to step up harassment by other methods. I believe this is a strategy recommended the the book &lt;em&gt;The Gift of Fear&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If the aunt has any other way to get at the child -- email, other relatives who might take up the aunt's cause, etc. -- then block those avenues of attack, too.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above are boundaries. Boundaries are not a last resort solution; they are an essential part of healthy relationships. Just as it's OK to have a lock on your front door to limit people's physical presence, it's OK to set limits on their phone presence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A book-sized source of discussion of boundaries is &lt;em&gt;Boundaries&lt;/em&gt;, by Cloud &amp;amp; Townsend. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13176/6-steps-to-set-good-boundaries.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here&lt;/a&gt; is a quick web link on the concept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways-to-maintain-boundaries-with-difficult-people/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;This link&lt;/a&gt; addresses, among other things, the fact that you may need to hang up the phone. That's just one small step away from not picking up the phone in the first place, and then from making it impossible for a person to make your phone ring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People may be angered by boundaries. That's normal. &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201304/if-you-set-boundary-expect-deal-anger&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;It's expected.&lt;/a&gt; It doesn't mean that the boundary has gone wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boundaries in families are OK -- not a strange thing, not something to go to only after all else as failed, not something that, with a healthy person, should reasonably be expected to end a relationship:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries/resolve-boundaries-with-family/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Common Signs of a Lack of Boundaries with Family&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.redlandsdailyfacts.com/2015/07/10/how-to-set-clear-cut-boundaries-in-dysfunctional-family-relationships/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to set clear-cut boundaries in dysfunctional family relationships&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://hellogiggles.com/lifestyle/ways-set-boundaries-family-member-whos-way-involved-life/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;6 ways to set boundaries with a family member who's way too involved in your life&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://copebetter.com/9-ways-set-boundaries-difficult-family-members/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some bolstering of the idea that it's OK for parents to protect their children, I suggest reading &lt;em&gt;Protecting the Gift&lt;/em&gt;. But, also, here are some links that make it clear that many people support protecting your children from toxic people:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.nextsteptherapy.net/blog-1/protecting-your-child-from-toxic-people&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Protecting Your Child From Toxic People&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://medium.com/postmodern-woman/dealing-with-toxic-family-members-around-your-kids-bce31db06875&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Dealing With Toxic Family Members Around Your Kids&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-affect-kids-too-know-the-signs-then-explore-a-little-deeper/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Toxic People Affect Kids Too: Know the Signs and How to Explore a Little Deeper&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.romper.com/p/10-rules-for-talking-to-my-kid-about-a-toxic-family-member-19897&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;10 Rules For Talking To My Kid About A Toxic Family Member&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you've set a boundary. You've protected your child. You've established one building block toward a healthier relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the problem will likely spill over to you. What do you do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Debts tend to be legal matters. For this reason you could speak to a lawyer about the aunt’s claim and whether you have any legal liability.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Harassment tends to be a legal matter. One part of boundaries can be the next step -- consequences. Without consequences, boundaries are still just a request, not a boundary. You can apply certain consequences yourself, some of which are stated or hinted at in the links above -- for example, you can cut off communication for a time. But you can also speak to a lawyer about the harassment and the best way to be ready for the consequence of legal action, if necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some bolstering of the idea that it's OK to protect yourself against other people's demands, I suggest reading &lt;em&gt;The Gift of Fear&lt;/em&gt; about, among other things, the idea that dealing with problem people doesn’t always mean negotiating with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible that this might end the relationship? If Aunt might walk away, aren't you required to maintain her ability to call your daughter at all hours? Isn't the end of a relationship the worst possible thing, something unthinkable? Even if your daughter is in daily fear, isn't that a small price to pay for preserving the relationship? Doesn't she need to learn how important family is, by enduring aunt's behavior?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No. The end of a relationship is not the end of the world. If someone's price for that relationship is a free ticket to hurt your kids, or for that matter to hurt you, then that price is too high. It's OK to cut toxic people out of your life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.hercampus.com/life/family-friends/why-its-okay-cut-toxic-family-members-out-your-life&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Why It's Okay To Cut Toxic Family Members Out of Your Life&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/signs-time-cut-toxic-family-ties/story?id=27278012&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;7 Signs It's Time to Cut (Toxic) Family Ties&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thepragmaticparent.com/letting-go-of-toxic-people/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Letting Go of Toxic People, Even If it’s a Family Member&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.scarymommy.com/its-okay-cut-toxic-people-out-your-life/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;It’s Okay To Cut A Toxic Person Out Of Your Life (For Good)&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.huffpost.com/entry/a-hard-truth-about-life8_b_6199918&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;8 Reasons We May Need to Cut Ties With Family Members to Be Healthy&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;And a classic, &lt;a href=&quot;https://community.babycenter.com/post/a64446046/what-kind-of-questions-do-you-ask-to-vet-a-potential-therapist#c2542393980&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Rodinne's questions for vetting a therapist, in the context of toxic family members&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20981" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-30T01:15:22.327" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T01:15:22.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19535" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19512" CreationDate="2018-10-25T04:20:34.753" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is important to start at the beginning. In the moment it seems as if you don't know what's going on. That means the beginning is to examine the situation and find facts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Did your daughter borrow the money and you just don't know about?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does your SIL have any kind of problem with your daughter and she wants to .. well what does she want?  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt;, that is your daughter and your SIL, what has happened.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Ask your SIL why she thinks she should get this money.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Ask your daughter what she knows about this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then evaluate the situation and plan next steps. Only then.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If your daugther really got money from SIL - elaborate what for and how to pay back. Scold SIL for giving this amount of money to your child without you knowing. Make clear to your daughter that this is a good way to get into trouble - with SIL and also with you.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If no money was given, find out what problem SIL has. Talk to her husband, get things rolling to further clarify this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't just cut off contact and call SIL insane.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Many misunderstandings start this way. Someone said x then the other one said y then a third person takes someone's side without knowing what has really happened. At the end noone talks to the other anymore, each has their opinion, perhaps both are right from their point of view... But only one view is correct and nothing was done to work out which one and why.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The result is people quarreling and talking bad about each other - nobody knows why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T04:20:34.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19536" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-25T07:31:53.107" Score="5" ViewCount="679" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have found a new job in another city. While I'm looking for an apartment I will be living in my cousin's house.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never lived in her house before (and I have been at her house for the weekend less than 5 times) but we talk online regularly (more than once per week). I know I will certainly be expected to help. As someone on the autism spectrum I sometimes have trouble realizing when/if I should help. This leads me to be extremely tense when I think there is some unspoken expectation going on and I would like to avoid that. I would also like to avoid being seen as rude if I don't help by myself when I should have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask my cousin for specific house chore rules that I should follow?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like it to be more of a discussion than just a list of things. Everyone has chores that they like/dislike more than others and I would like to be able to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really like doing X, would it be okay if I do Y instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Details and clarification&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My cousin is married with two young kids (a 3-year-old and a less-than-one-year-old).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My cousin knows I'm on the autism spectrum (I told her one month ago) but I don't know how much she knows about this topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why did I decide to post my question here&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I never did something similar before and I'm afraid at how she will react (finding me weird, thinking that I just want to do as little as possible, etc...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'm not sure about how and when I should bring the topic (I only now that it would be better in person).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Also, if you have a list of chores I should talk about, that would be nice (I'm afraid something will be forgotten otherwise).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T15:46:44.697" Title="Going to live in someone else's house--how to ask for rules?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;housemates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19537" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19536" CreationDate="2018-10-25T08:09:20.473" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My cousin knows I'm on the autism spectrum (I told her one month ago) but I don't know how much she knows about this topic.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, if she don't know a lot, try to explain your autism using evertything you can if you're struggling to explain.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would like it to be more of a discussion than just a list of things.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of asking &quot;Hey ! what can i do ? Oh, I don't really like doing X can I do Y instead ?&quot;, you should ask her to explain it and interact when you need more explantion like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can do X but you don't need to do Y, (reasons why)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ok but I wanna help doing Y, how can I help ? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I wanna do Y instead of X, is it still fine ? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wanna help doing Y, you can help us by doing A,B,C or D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I sometimes have trouble realizing when/if I should help&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm in a similar situation (for different reasons), but the only thing that you can do is just to go and help doing X. Even if they don't need it, they will stil apreciate the effort !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I would also like to avoid being seen as rude if I don't help by myself when I should have&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't feel bad about it. Just try to help as best as you can, and if you &lt;strong&gt;NEED&lt;/strong&gt; help, feel free to ask them, and if no one is here when you need help, simply look it up on the internet (if you really need) or let that task aside and when they'll be back, ask a question like :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey ! sorry I didn't do X because I don't know how to do it ? can you help me and explain me at the same time ?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22062" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T08:09:20.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19538" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19512" CreationDate="2018-10-25T08:46:17.307" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is clearly some backstory that you’re not telling us, but that is fine, it just means I might have to make a few assumptions. &lt;em&gt;It isn’t normal behaviour for an adult to pester a minor for any amount of money&lt;/em&gt;, let alone a large sum like this, so I’m going to assume that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The aunt has some kind of problem, either in financial trouble or maybe has some kind of habit that she is trying to support.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has either tried to get the money from you or her brother or just knows that she’d have no chance if she did.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first conversation I feel you need to have is with your &lt;em&gt;daughter&lt;/em&gt;, not the aunt. If she is 15 she is a minor and should not really be subject to this kind of pressure from an adult. You’ve doubtless already spoken to her about it, but make sure that you have covered (i) that she must not worry about her aunt or the money, and (ii) give an age-appropriate explanation for the aunt’s behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hate making assumptions, but for example, let’s say the aunt’s problem is some kind of addiction. There are differing schools of thought as to whether or not addiction should be considered an &lt;em&gt;illness&lt;/em&gt; or not, and I wouldn’t want to get into that debate here. But you might consider your use of language before explaining it to your daughter. If you minimise detail too much and say that the aunt is “sick”, this might lead to your daughter worrying &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt;. It might be better to say that &lt;em&gt;giving money to the aunt will not really help her&lt;/em&gt;. You shouldn’t burden a child with all the details of the situation, but don’t keep secrets from her. Make sure your whole family are united in your thinking on this matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any conversation with the aunt needs to be similarly thought-out. The language you use with someone who is not thinking or behaving rationally is very important. If you say “&lt;em&gt;stop worrying my daughter&lt;/em&gt;”, this may send the message that her tactic is &lt;em&gt;working&lt;/em&gt;, as she may reason that if your daughter is worried about her, she may find a way to get her the money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best approach might be to show a &lt;em&gt;united stance&lt;/em&gt;; that is show her that, as a family, you are all resolved not to give her money. Show her that your daughter keeps no secrets from you and that you have all discussed it together. You could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I’m not happy that you went to [daughter] to try and get money from her. It isn’t appropriate to pressure a child for money. Do not do that again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where you go from here, I’m not sure because you don’t say what you want to communicate to the aunt. But whatever decision you make, make sure all your family know about it, giving your daughter age-appropriate information, so that she can respond if she has to. The best response your daughter could give her in future might be a firm “&lt;em&gt;you need to speak to my parents about that&lt;/em&gt;”.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T08:46:17.307" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19539" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19536" CreationDate="2018-10-25T09:07:25.383" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Because they are your &lt;em&gt;family&lt;/em&gt; and they know about your autism, you are in the best position to be completely open and honest right from the start. You will definitely feel more comfortable if you &lt;em&gt;speak to them about your concerns on your arrival&lt;/em&gt; than if you leave it and then find (or imagine) yourself in one of those &quot;tense&quot; situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might seem an overly simplistic approach but I really think it is for the best if you just lay out everything you want in one go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really appreciate you having me stay. I don't want to be a burden to you, so while I'm here I want to help out as much as I can. As you know I have [however you describe your spectrum disorder] and I'm not very good at picking up on things that aren't spoken. If there's a job that needs doing but I haven't been asked, I might not realise it. It would make me much more comfortable if you would give me a list of chores to do, then I know I'm doing my share.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They may, out of politeness, say that they don't want you to do anything. Insist:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please, it would make me feel more comfortable if I had some things I know I have to do. I want to help. If I don't have any, I'll just worry that I'm not picking up on something because of my autism. You could give me a short list and then add more to it later?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Family understand one another better than anyone, and I think this frank approach will both help them to understand you while you stay with them and make you feel more comfortable knowing that you have a way of helping them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T09:07:25.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19540" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19536" CreationDate="2018-10-25T09:13:05.760" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, I have lived with my uncle &amp;amp; aunt for about half a year. What happened when I lived with them was that they said 'just buy some groceries every now and then', and otherwise just help us out whenever you feel like it. We tried this, and that didn't really work. I had just moved out of my parents house, and only lived on my own for a few months before moving in with them. I didn't do enough according to their expectations, but in the beginning they didn't tell me. It made for some awkward moments, so then we did set up some rules.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that for everybody, not only those on the autism spectrum, that start living together, it is good to set up ground rules for any co-living arrangement. Everybody has different expectations regarding cleanliness, preferred dinner time, grocery expenses etc. Since you will be a guest at their home, you should try to follow their standards. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you talk online regularly, I would contact her that way and explain that you want to set up these rules. Then you can mention that you want to set up these rules clearly since you otherwise might have a hard time knowing if you're abiding their standards for the chores. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could then suggest that you, for example, do the dishes every night (if that is one of the chores you prefer). In this conversation, you can also ask what their usual chores are and ask how you can help with those. Then, to make sure that you don't have the anxiety regarding helping enough, explain to her how you are afraid of not doing enough, and ask her to tell you immediately if you would not be doing enough. In my case, my family didn't tell me initially if something wasn't to their standards, which caused friction. But after we made these rules, it was easy since we could just refer to them whenever there was a misunderstanding. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16176" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T09:13:05.760" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19542" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19527" CreationDate="2018-10-25T13:20:39.003" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I found usually works best is to address this in the moment it happens. You can  make a sightly humoristic comment to remind them that they are not alone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Something along the lines:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey you two, will you please get a room for that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay you two seem friendly! I better leave you on your own right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Say it with a smile and then leave the room / Let them leave. The trick is to make clear that you noticed, its no big deal, but you´d rather not be a part of it. They may need these reminders on more than one occasion, but they will get the message, eventually, when they make you uncomfortable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T13:20:39.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19543" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-25T13:55:51.557" Score="6" ViewCount="326" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's consider the following situation: a family member has offered to buy me a given object as a gift, for example a table, with a given budget, for example 500€ (random object and amount of money). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am to pick the precise kind of table I'd like. Let's now imagine that I have found a table that I love but that it costs 750€.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I add the missing 250€ myself without seeming ungrateful and/or hurting the person's feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course if the person gives me money and lets me buy the table myself there is no problem as I could just pay for the difference directly, but I would like to know how to handle this situation if the person wishes to go shop for the gift herself or together with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would like to achieve is that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The person contributes to whatever extent is comfortable for her, even lower than the initial amount offered (and I'm very grateful for that)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I add the missing money without hurting the person&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I get the table I like&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22712" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T15:43:52.157" Title="How to add personal money to a gift without seeming ungrateful?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;gifts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19544" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19550" CreationDate="2018-10-25T15:06:06.180" Score="6" ViewCount="1001" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a lot of experience with highway driving that most of my friends don't have. Rules (from the USA) like &lt;em&gt;only drive in the left lane when you are passing - ie. slow traffic keep right&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;never merge into another driver's blind spot&lt;/em&gt; are intuitive to me at this point. They make sense and make driving less stressful for all drivers around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, several of my friends, while conscious of the rules (guidelines?, laws?), are often forgetful or inconsiderate of other drivers. There have been many instances where I have felt uncomfortable as a passenger with my friends' habits of, for example, tailgating too close to the bumper of the car in front of them or not using their blinker to switch lanes. Time and time again, my friends' recklessness in these situations leads to &quot;road rage&quot; in other drivers who then become so offended that they MUST be reckless and angry back at my friend. It's an endless loop of rage and stress that is completely unnecessary. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know being a backseat driver in itself is a curse of impatience, but if I feel like I'm in danger whenever I drive with my friends, I think it makes sense for me to speak up. The only problem is &lt;strong&gt;I am not very good at confronting these bad driving habits and need help&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There have been times that I have tried to be upfront and straightforward with my friends, saying things like &quot;&lt;em&gt;Bro, you should really move back to the other lane- there are three cars behind you that want to go 10mph faster&lt;/em&gt;&quot; or &quot;&lt;em&gt;You should use your blinker, dude. That car in your blind spot may have been trying to merge too&lt;/em&gt;.&quot; But this typically just leads to them getting angry at me, their trusty passenger whose supposed to be on their side... I have also tried slipping passive advice like &quot;&lt;em&gt;Man, lately I've been feeling great and patient on the road because I've been giving everyone a TON of space&lt;/em&gt;&quot; but they just smile and say &quot;&lt;em&gt;nice&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm open to all suggestions on how to become a better backseat driver. I'd mostly like to get different approaches on how I can confront their driving habits, but I could also use advice on how to improve my patience as a passenger. Thanks!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19477" LastEditorUserId="19477" LastEditDate="2018-10-25T16:03:26.287" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T20:54:17.750" Title="How to be a good backseat driver" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;anger&gt;&lt;driving&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19545" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19543" CreationDate="2018-10-25T15:07:05.610" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pretend like everything is totally normal.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because frankly, it kind of is. Why would it bother them for you to add extra money on top to get your preferred table? Maybe they'd feel inadequate? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The obvious solution then is to make a best-effort, casual attempt to make sure they don't feel inadequate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank them &lt;em&gt;profusely&lt;/em&gt; for their assistance with purchasing this table that you have just &lt;em&gt;absolutely fallen in love with&lt;/em&gt; and that you can't express enough gratitude for them taking on a whopping two-thirds of the price!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're excited about it, show them! If you aren't, then &lt;em&gt;get excited!&lt;/em&gt; It's worth being excited over! Share that enthusiasm with them. Show them the table you like, explain why you like it, show your appreciation by brightening their day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This kind of tactic has always worked well for me because it is genuine and refocuses the attention of the conversation away from &quot;I'll just add a bit on top because that wasn't enough&quot; towards &quot;Wow!! Thanks so much for your help!&quot; which is &lt;em&gt;entirely true&lt;/em&gt;. Could you imagine feeling bad when the person you offered to help is so genuinely thankful? :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3426" LastEditorUserId="3426" LastEditDate="2018-10-25T15:43:52.157" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T15:43:52.157" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19546" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19549" CreationDate="2018-10-25T15:08:00.493" Score="6" ViewCount="398" Body="&lt;p&gt;I started a new job several weeks ago and like with any new job, I have no idea what I'm doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a &quot;mentor&quot;--somebody on the team who's designated to helping get me up to speed with everything--and I bug them &lt;strong&gt;a lot&lt;/strong&gt;. Some days I'm able to muddle through things on my own, but others I rely pretty heavily on my mentor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that he has a lot of work he needs to get done too and while I'm sure he and the rest of the team expected his output to drop for the first few months I'm here, there are some days I worry that I'm relying too much on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Please note that I'm aware that this is a new job and this is all expected, but logically there must be some amount of help that is &lt;strong&gt;too&lt;/strong&gt; much to be asking for. When getting ready to ask a question, how can I figure out how close I am to that line? That is...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When getting ready to ask my mentor a question, how can I tell whether or not they feel I'm relying too heavily on them?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-25T15:23:28.110" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T16:40:43.230" Title="How can I tell if I'm being a bother when asking for help?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19547" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-25T15:58:36.777" Score="3" ViewCount="664" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hired a contractor to redo my backyard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ensuing project was a battle every step of the way. The work needed to be checked nightly; he cut every possible corner; he took 2 months to complete a job that he said would take 2 weeks. When I tried to discuss the remaining items he became confrontational and called me, drunk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One item he was responsible for was planting new sod and installing an irrigation system. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He set the sprinkler timer for the irrigation system and planted the sod. &#xA;A week after the sod was planted I checked the ground and found it was a swamp: completely over-watered. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The grass began to die. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I shut the sprinklers off for 4 days to dry the ground a bit, and then turned the sprinklers back on, on an every-other-day cycle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The grass is now all dead and needs to be replaced. Two gardeners said it was watered to death. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The contractor insists it was the 4 days without water that killed the grass. He offered to come put fertilizer and new seed down. The downside is--it's very hard to plant grass seed, I doubt he would do it correctly, and I don't want to wait for new grass to grow. I also don't want to deal with that contractor any more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I confront the contractor about his poor work without it escalating?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22715" LastEditorUserId="18317" LastEditDate="2018-11-05T09:58:51.507" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T23:43:21.773" Title="How to deal with confrontational contractor who does not adequately do their job?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19548" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19544" CreationDate="2018-10-25T16:09:17.463" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure anyone ever appreciates being told how to drive, so I'm not sure this can be done in an effective way. This is especially true of drivers--no one thinks he or she is a bad driver. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Chances are your driver knows the rules but doesn't perceive their value, or he perceives the rewards of breaking the rules to be higher than the consequences. So it's not a matter of education. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might try appealing to the friendship and citing the issue as a personal one, thus giving your driver the chance to be magnanimous rather than defensive. Try, &quot;hey, I know this is my issue, but I sometimes get anxiety when drivers drive too fast/ too close/ do something that could cause road rage in another driver...it's something I'm working on, but I wonder if you might be willing to drive passively this time?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a driver, I'd much rather be able to do a favor to a passenger by slowing down than have my driving skills questioned--no mater the legitimacy of the question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22715" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T16:09:17.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19549" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19546" CreationDate="2018-10-25T16:15:34.267" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;My boss helped me traverse this fine line very well. I used to walk into his office 6 to 10 times a day for the first 3 months of my employment in my current company. He is an incredibly patient and generous and kind man. NEVER had an attitude with me, never acted like I am being a bother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But 10 times a day, as you could tell, is a bit much. After the first 3 months, he called me in for my 3 month review. We discussed my strong side and my weak side. You know, the usual stuff. He then said that the only thing he has a problem with me was that I go to him too many times in a day. To be clear, asking someone a lot of questions is different than going to that person, physically, too many times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He suggested I put down an hour or hour and a half every day before lunch. In that 1.5 hour meeting, I write down ALL my questions. I sit with him and ask him every question I have. This way, he expects me only once every day. For an hour every day, but only once. This helps him manage his own time and his own projects easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you said, it is expected of you to ask questions. But if you feel like you're being a bother, understand that you're being a bother by walking up to them 10 times a day, not asking them 10 questions. Walk up to them once or twice a day with as many questions as you want and people tend to not be bothered by that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel like you're annoying someone with your questions, this is what I'd suggest:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sit down with your mentor and ask them if they have a preferred time of the day they'd like to answer your questions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Schedule a time, for every day, with the mentor. Make it known that you will be there from 10 to 11 in the morning (for instance) Monday to Friday every day till you're comfortable with your new position.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it known that you're coming in with questions. A lot of questions. And I mean, actually tell them that you are. Tell them that you are still trying to get comfortable in your new position and you'd rather not bother them 10 times a day, so you'd rather do it once a day to answer ALL your questions. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will definitely be easier on you and your mentor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, to specifically answer your question, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I tell whether or not they feel I'm relying too heavily on them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Right before you ask your question, think about whether you've asked them this question already. Changing a few words around in a question might make it seem like a completely new question to someone new, but to the mentor, it is the same. The question has been answered, according to them. So analyze your question to see if it was in some way or the other answered by them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After your analysis, if you think your question is valid and has to be asked, but still feel like you're being annoying, start your questions with one of the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm sorry if I've already asked you this but....&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I know you already explained this to me, but I am having a hard time understanding this...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm really sorry if I'm asking too many questions, but I just need a little help understanding this...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you say all those, observe their reaction. Do they just nod? Do they reject your apology? Do they reject your assumption?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they are just nodding, they are getting kind of annoyed. Leave after you've asked that question. Come back tomorrow. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they're rejecting your apology (by that I mean, they express disinterest in answering your question right this moment), leave. They've basically told you that they'd rather not deal with you right this moment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If they reject your assumption (by that I mean, they are telling you something in the lines of &quot;Oh no not at all, ask all the questions you'd like answered&quot;), proceed with your question. Proceed with the question after. Once done, SINCERELY thank them for their time with you. Show them how much you appreciate their patience with you. Even if they are annoyed with you, your gratitude will negate that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, as an addition, try asking broad questions rather than a question about one very specific thing. For instance, Instead of asking &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how does the shipping department know what PO needs to be picked?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try asking &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how does the shipping department work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This achieves two things:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It will answer one or more of your questions. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This will project the image of you trying to learn the process as a whole rather than you expecting them to spoon-feed everything to you. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope this helps. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5155" LastEditorUserId="5155" LastEditDate="2018-10-25T16:40:43.230" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T16:40:43.230" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19550" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19544" CreationDate="2018-10-25T16:20:47.960" Score="8" Body="&lt;h1&gt;There is no such thing as a &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; back-seat driver&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have a cite-able source for this, but one point I remember from my driving school lessons was that nearly everyone suffers from road rage. This is quite a strange phenomenon. I am usually quite placid, but I often find myself angry and swearing at other drivers (from the privacy of my own car!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The recommendation from driving school was to be aware of this and deal with perceived problems later, when heads are clearer. In this case, that is the same advice I would give you. If you genuinely feel unsafe riding in the car with your friend driving, tell them, but tell them &lt;em&gt;later&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your ability to do this with the people you have in mind depends on how strong a relationship you have with them. I would expect a closer friend to respond more positively to you raising a problem, but someone you have newly met might take offense. If these friends are people you are uncomfortable raising problems with, you might skip straight to offering other alternatives. For instance, if you have access to a car, you can offer to drive. If you are planning to go out for a night of partying with your friends, offer to pay for the taxi/rideshare. As with every such situation, do not make the conversation about your problems with you friends' driving, but instead make it about how you feel. Tell them you are uncomfortable riding in a car with them driving, not that their bad driving habits are causing a problem. For more help with this, you could refer to any of the many good conflict-resolution-tagged questions we have on this site.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would add that people are often very sensitive about their perceived abilities. Everybody likes to think that they are a good driver, even though there are thousands of crashes per day &lt;a href=&quot;https://crashstats.nhtsa.dot.gov/Api/Public/ViewPublication/812451&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;in the US&lt;/a&gt;. Therefore, tread carefully. My approach to this situation is to do most of the driving myself, and comment on what I'm doing to try to guide my passengers to be more observant of the situation -- &quot;This guy looks lost/drunk/is weaving all over the road. Better back off and give him plenty of space!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for improving your patience as a passenger, my solution is to again turn to the data. While there &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; thousands of traffic accidents per day, presumably a great many are minor. Also, compared to those thousands, millions of cars are driving around all the time &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; getting into accidents. In the comments, &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/19544/how-to-be-a-good-backseat-driver/19550?noredirect=1#comment78888_19550&quot;&gt;NuclearWang linked&lt;/a&gt; a cool &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.pnas.org/content/113/10/2636&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;article&lt;/a&gt; which studied the risk increase of several risky driving behaviors. It is up to you whether these increases in risk are significant cause for alarm for you. I believe that driving is &lt;a href=&quot;https://xkcd.com/1075/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;inherently a somewhat dangerous activity&lt;/a&gt;. Unless there is significantly increased danger, like drunk or distracted driving, I do not worry about it more than I am usually worried while in a car.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18788" LastEditorUserId="18788" LastEditDate="2018-10-25T20:54:17.750" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T20:54:17.750" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19551" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19497" CreationDate="2018-10-25T16:36:48.007" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;The video games that you mentioned are a bit on the dark side.  For people who aren't into video games at all, they can present as quite frightening.  There is the tendency to say &quot;what kind of person would enjoy horrible (to me) ideas like this?&quot;, focusing on the content, and then generalizing it to all video games, and to playing video games in general.  You see the same sort of thing with any entertainment with dark themes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you think you might be able to persuade her to play some kind of on-line game with her, just to show her that it can be fun?  Tell her that you understand that there are themes in your games of choice which make her uncomfortable, but that you want to find some way that you can share this part of your life with her in a way that doesn't make her uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do you have access to two computers so you can play side by side?  Find a good social game that doesn't have dark themes and invite her to set down with you, with a box of chocolates as an added bonus, and maybe some wine as well, and make it an electronic date night.  Approach it with humor.  It's okay to tell her you are bribing her to play with you because you want to share what you love with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My personal favorite is World of Warcraft because it is a game that makes it easy to shepherd a beginner through the process.  Try to avoid anything &quot;creepy&quot; at first (start as a couple of humans) and make it about using the game to interact with her in an unusual way.  Crack jokes, have a good time, don't indicate that you'd rather be playing an undead character or a demon hunter.  Don't try to do this in different rooms if you can avoid it because the social element of doing it together may be critical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I suspect that if you can show her how electronic games can be a relationship enhancer she will eventually become less critical of your solitary games.  People are often afraid of the unknown, this will make it less frightening and threatening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had success using this technique for family members and acquaintances who &quot;demonize&quot; video games and role playing games.  They often judge the entire genre based on one or two examples with themes that they consider immoral.  Once they were able to separate the actual mechanics from the thematic details they became less hostile to the entire idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My father was violently opposed to all science fiction, and one day I asked him why.  It turned out that the only science fiction story he had read was one which featured nuns and was nastily anti-Catholic.  So I wrote him a science fiction short story which had what he considered a good message.  After he read that he still didn't see much point in stories that were about things that weren't real, but at least he no longer thought there was anything wrong with science fiction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Several members in my congregation were quite vocal about role playing games being &quot;tools of the devil&quot;.  I was pretty sure the only role playing game they had ever heard of was D&amp;amp;D, which explains their objections from a Christian point of view.  So during one church &quot;Games and Grub&quot; night I ran a role playing game.  It was a superhero themed game where everybody got to save the city from terrorists.  It was well received and when one of the detractors objected, I invited him to be a part of the next one.  I told him that if he found anything morally harmful in what we were doing I wouldn't run another game at a church event.  Long story short, he actually enjoyed himself quite a bit and I haven't heard any of them complain about role playing games since then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The important thing is to be able to recognize what elements in the game or genre are upsetting to them, and to present it without those elements.  Not only to show that it isn't as bad as they previously thought, but also to demonstrate how it can be a positive force according to what they consider important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1761" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T16:36:48.007" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19552" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19488" CreationDate="2018-10-25T16:55:01.947" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If it were me, I would emphasize the fact that the sheer numbers at the gathering make you and your partner feel overwhelmed.  And then you might trying to make arrangements to meet with family members on an individual or small group basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask for your cousin's help.  Maybe she can arrange several smaller get-togethers during the season and invite your and your partner to those.  If she keeps track of the family, she will know which people &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to pair you up with.  Your stated goal might be to allow your partner to get comfortable with enough of the family so that she can be able to show up to the bigger events and not be presented with a bunch of strangers who she would be expected to socialize with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would accomplish several things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) It would allow your partner to become more comfortable with mingling with your family.  It is much easier to become intimate and comfortable with people in a small group setting than a large group.  In large groups it is easy to observe without mingling or meeting, and that can lead to misinterpretations, gossip and speculations without any real basis.  In a small group setting you are much more likely to interact with the person(s) in question, and therefore to create a relationship with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) It would gain your cousin's help in integrating your partner with the family.  It sounds like she has a lot of influence in the family, and her championship will be a powerful factor in shaping your family's attitude toward your partner.  The fact that she loves to arrange your get-togethers and makes herself responsible for them tells me that she is a person who likes control.  People who like control love to be asked to help.  Ask for her help with your stated goal, that of making your partner and your family comfortable with each other.  It's a win-win.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) It would demonstrate to your family that your unusual partner is not a threat to their relationships with you.  I have seen many times that when a person chooses to have an intimate relationship with a person who is not, for whatever reason, approved of by the family, it causes them to avoid the family.  The family then blames the partner (ever since he started going out with &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; he has been avoiding us, she doesn't approve of us and she's trying to separate him from us...).  Eventually this gets back to the person, who has all the more reason to avoid family.  Each side's attitudes just feed the estrangement.  If you can stomp that fire out before it begins, you will have done yourselves a favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4) It would allow you to share the partner that you love with the family that you love.  Your family is part of your history, part of &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;.  Of course you want to share this part of yourself with your partner.  Once you have had a sit-down meeting with someone, it opens the door for more of the same.  Getting in a habit of meeting with family strengthens the support network that you two will need.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1761" LastEditorUserId="1761" LastEditDate="2018-10-26T17:03:52.063" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T17:03:52.063" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19553" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19544" CreationDate="2018-10-25T18:29:47.697" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As other answers have said, no one likes a backseat driver, so don't be one. If someone is consistently an aggressive driver...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Wait until the drive is over to give criticism&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take mental notes of specific significant events during your ride, and mention them to your driver. You can change your tone depending on how you think your driver will take the criticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You drive like maniac, you've got to take it down a notch&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You drive really aggressively, have you ever taken a defensive driving class?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You really scared me when you merged, I thought you were going to clip that car. Please be more careful when I'm in the car next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you realize you missed a yield back there? I think that's why the one car honked at you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, people who are aggressive drivers simply over-estimate their ability to avoid crashes. They're confident they can safely fit in that gap. They're confident that their current speed is the correct speed. They're confident they'd be able to stop in time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However: &lt;strong&gt;Even if you're the most skilled driver in the world, other drivers are not.&lt;/strong&gt; Defensive Driving is all about driving like &lt;strong&gt;everyone else on the road is a maniac&lt;/strong&gt; (something we can all relate to). That means assuming that no one sees you, everyone wants to cut you off, and they will disobey all traffic signs and signals. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you need to give immediate feedback during a drive, I gave some ideas below, but each specific driver and situation will be different. The goal, generally, is to frame it as other drivers being awful, and that even if you're the best driver in the world, you can't beat the idiots.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cruising in the passing lane:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Man, I hate when I get stuck behind someone in the fast-lane. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You should probably let this guy pass, I think he's getting pissed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;There's a car coming up on us real fast, I'm not sure he can see you, maybe you should get over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That guy is so close that he will hit us if we have to stop, you  should let him pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;No Blinker&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That guy was about to pass you, I don't think he noticed your blinker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You should put your blinker on so they give you room to merge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Following Too Close&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one is a little tough, and I'd be willing to bet its the number one source of road rage, so there's a bunch of angles depending on the situtation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That car in front is driving a little strange, you should back off in case he does something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You need to give that guy room, if there was something in the road you'd definitely hit him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12254" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T18:29:47.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19554" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19484" CreationDate="2018-10-25T22:53:54.480" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How would I go about raising this issue to the creator? I'd like to ask her to maybe cut down on the formalizing a bit, and get to realize that just because she has all these cool abilities, that doesn't mean that she has to use them all immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are identifying the root cause of your admin's behavior the same way I am. Whenever people get powers, they want to test them out. This discord server is probably the most important/active community that she has been an admin of. A certain amount of over-administration is expected. Unfortunately, I have seen, as I'm sure you have by your concern, communities fractured and broken by well meaning admins trying to make 'improvements' all the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm generally a proponent of one-on-one interaction where you are trying to address behavior of one person. If the admin is not the only one driving these over-formalizations and there are others involved from the mod team, then addressing the group seems better. People are often much more defensive in a group setting as opposed to one on one if they feel their authority is being questioned in front of the group. While challenging authority is not your goal, it is a possible interpretation by the admin when you try to approach them and so I recommend one-on-one to minimize defensiveness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another strategy for avoiding the impression that you're telling the person what to do is to ask them if they are open to hear some advice/constructive criticism/personal concern from you. The exact words to frame the message as each of these types is slightly different. When delivering, avoid statements structured as &quot;You are doing X which is wrong&quot;, instead focusing on the action and leverage &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;I statements&lt;/a&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am concerned that creating more text channels might fragment communication in our budding community&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can even share responsibility for previous over-formalizations as a member of the mod team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Maybe &lt;strong&gt;we&lt;/strong&gt; can cull back some of the topical text channels that &lt;strong&gt;we&lt;/strong&gt; have created, but don't seem to get a lot of traffic, those topics don't seem to have enough volume to overwhelm #general&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which approach you choose is based on personal preference and what you perceive would work best based on your usual interactions with the admin. Additionally, you mentioned that you are the only one with previous moderation experience in this community, and that has been acknowledged. This allows you to bring your advice and concerns from a place of personal experience rather than simple worry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the main concern you have that you want to get across is that all this structure is being added up front and the rigidity and fragmentation might stifle the community meant to grow into the structure. I always like analogies and find them to be an effective communication tool. My analogy for this issue is farming vine tomatoes (or grapes). A big healthy vine is supported by a trellis the farmer builds to help support it, allowing it to grow heavier tomatoes without collapsing under its own weight. Channel topic structures and mod recruitment processes are like the supporting trellis to a big healthy Discord community. The farmer doesn't attach a baby tomato vine to a trellis though. The plant has to do some growing on its own before it is ready to be attached to the trellis. The best community structures grow as the community needs them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastActivityDate="2018-10-25T22:53:54.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19558" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-26T05:17:23.930" Score="3" ViewCount="461" Body="&lt;p&gt;And by long I am talking 16 years since I had anything resembling a friend or GF. 10 years ago I was finishing grad school and knew people but never did anything outside of class work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried simply talking to people, the only people that talk to me in person are bored cashiers that are way too young and just bored enough to enjoy watching me squirm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried looking for friends on dating sites and penpal sites. Nothing at all there. Can't get a response. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I even went outside the country and got a few people from China, Vietnam and Ukraine to chat a bit but I have no clue if they are legit and they obviously aren't hanging out with me even if they were sincere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The two things that the people that will talk to me have in common is that they are women(which is fine-90% of the platonic friends in my life were women) and are roughly half my age: 25 +/- 2 years. Except one who lives in China and is 33, still significantly younger though. I just turned 50 and age gaps really bother me. My daughters are older than most of them but people closer to my age want nothing to do with me. I do look about mid-30's and probably act around that age.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;None of those that talk to me are what I would consider serious options for friendship or more. Maybe I am too hung up on age but I am pretty sure my daughters would be upset if I started hanging out with people around their age or a bit younger. What could I have in common with a 25 year old anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I have been alone so long is complicated and a very long story. I got in bad relationships due to low self-esteem and some fairly serious mental issues. I figured it was the best I could do but eventually decided that if that was the best I could do it is not worth it. I still have those issues but am a lot older and I can handle my issues far better. I am not even medicated and have learned to internalize my issues so most can't tell. At my worst, I come off more quiet and withdrawn even though I have a maelstrom in my head. But you wouldn't be able to tell. Even during a psychotic issue my external response is hard to detect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would like to connect now that I am in a better place and my kids have left and loneliness has crept in but apparently it is difficult to interact with anyone appropriate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not sure if I presented my issue competently but any advice for developing personal skills will be greatly appreciated. If something isn't clear or you can think of a way to narrow this mess I will try to answer your questions. I know it is very broad and basically boils down to &quot;How can I join the human race&quot; but I guess that is the point I am at right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you from reading this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt; The specific question is in the title. Maybe that is too broad but that is where I am at. I listed things I have tried and specific obstacles. I am not sure how to make my issue less broad. It seems that if I had a specific issue with a specific person, I might find help? To have issues with a specific person I have to get past my problem in the title. I guess no one can help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How about: If you met someone who had spent the past 16 years alone, how would you react and what could that person do to overcome any objections?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22720" LastEditorUserId="22720" LastEditDate="2018-10-26T17:25:53.703" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T17:25:53.703" Title="How to date/meet people after a very long break" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-10-26T12:10:48.643" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19560" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19558" CreationDate="2018-10-26T08:29:02.093" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have no daughter at home, so you have time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe the easiest path to get real friendship is to share something in common.&#xA;I advise you to find a hobby, and most of all find a community about this hobby. Hang out with them, you will make friends soon enough if you share something together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, it looks like the age gap is a problem for you, but I think you don't need to consider it as a problem. A friendship is a friendship, the age doesn't matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last piece of advice: don't start to be paranoid. Of course not all friendships are sincere, I do not ask you to be blind. But if you start to be suspicious with everyone, it's basically cutting your own throat : you are going to shut yourself away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am in a &quot;similar&quot; situation : I am in another country (other side of the earth actually) for work. Outside of work, I do not know anybody. Obviously starting to feel lonely. And making friend when you barely talk the language is hard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I found a hobby, and gather with people from my country (over internet of course). Having friend to spend some time with, even if they are not physically here, is helping.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you do not wish to go out and meet in person at first (my case), you can find plenty of online community about your hobby. It can be on forums, Facebook groups, Discord...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17897" LastEditorUserId="2603" LastEditDate="2018-10-26T14:37:17.123" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T14:37:17.123" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19564" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19565" CreationDate="2018-10-26T14:14:24.277" Score="6" ViewCount="1004" Body="&lt;p&gt;After 9 months into the relationship, my early 20's friend just got dumped. She thought he was the one. He'd say things like &quot;I've never felt this way with anyone before,&quot; or &quot;I could see myself being with you for the rest of my life,&quot; right up until he dropped the bomb on her last week. He did it by explaining to her that he's &quot;too busy with school right now&quot; and she's &quot;the right person, but the wrong time&quot; and more &quot;it's not you, it's me&quot; things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now ordinarily I'm good with post breakup comfort. I have the tub of ice cream ready and I'm prepared to listen to her vent and tell me what an asshole he was. But to my utter surprise, that's not at all what happened!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend relies heavily on her intuition, and she's told me multiple times (post-breakup) that she thinks that they were meant to be together and that they'll get back together in the future. Oh boy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things are complicated by the fact that they have classes together and their families are close friends so they'll see each other often. I'm worried that this combined with how she feels about the breakup will prevent her from getting closure and healthily moving on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've tried to confront her and help her see how douchey the whole situation was to help her move on, but she always takes his side and insists that he's &quot;always told her the truth, even about things [she] didn't want to hear, so why would he lie now in the breakup?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I help my friend accept that this relationship didn't work out and this guy is &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; the one?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T15:10:33.337" Title="How can I help my friend accept that the relationship is over?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19565" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19564" CreationDate="2018-10-26T14:55:34.090" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I help my friend accept that this relationship didn't work out and this guy is not the one?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be honest, you really can't. That may seem unfortunate, but this is probably something she's going to need to figure out on her own, in her own time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using rational argument, to dispel, discourage, or even explain something as irrational as &lt;em&gt;love&lt;/em&gt; doesn't usually work. The heart wants what it wants, and people usually have to work it out on their own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have already stated your opinion on the matter. If not, as an honest friend, you can and perhaps should tell her what you think. But do it &lt;strong&gt;one time&lt;/strong&gt; and do it &lt;strong&gt;gently&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;then drop it.&lt;/strong&gt; Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I know you still love him, but I think you deserve better than someone who would break your heart when being in a relationship became inconvenient, but I'm your friend and I'll be here for you no matter what.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've seen these situations play out a few different ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They split up on good terms, and then get back together some weeks-months later and have a pretty good relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They split up on good terms, and then get back together some weeks-months later and do the make-up break-up thing till one or both realize that it isn't going to work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They split up on good terms, and then one finds someone new. This can be devastating if the other is still holding on to hope, but it brings closure.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are, of course, many other scenarios, but these are the more common ones, so let's look at these for the sake of brevity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being the friend that bashes the ex doesn't go well in any of these scenarios. She still loves him. Bashing him may cause her to distance herself from you. If they get back together at any point, she'll know that you don't approve, and may worry that you'll judge her for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... With all of that in mind... What should you do instead?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be there for your friend. &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19045/59&quot;&gt;Hold space for her.&lt;/a&gt; Let her go through what she's going through, and be willing to go through it with her. If she wants to remember him fondly, listen patiently, if she wants to bash him try not to agree too enthusiastically. Remember that her feelings are likely to change and change again. You're there for your friend, not there for the ex. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the long run amicable breakups are usually easier to heal from. Things ended before they got really bad. Remember that even if her ex was a douchebag, he ended it before being really douchey to her and that's why she remembers him fondly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T14:55:34.090" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19566" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19564" CreationDate="2018-10-26T14:59:18.317" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all it is important to acknowledge that this is not your responsibility nor your problem to fix. As a friend all you need to do is be supportive and make yourself emotionally available if you are able.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, I've found very general things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you want to talk about your feelings regarding GUY then I'm here for you and I would love to listen&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am your friend and I respect you and acknowledge you as a person regardless of GUY.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To work a lot better than (co)runinating with friends about breakups and problems (I've done this a lot myself in the past).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More broadly: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to recognise that a breakup in a meaningful relationship is a really tough thing which often includes loss of shared meaning, plans, hopes and friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is normal for your friend to feel grief and it is not uncommon to deal with it with denial. People who undergo relationship breakup often experience symptoms of PTSD (enough to pass the &lt;a href=&quot;https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/smi.929&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;GHQ‐28&lt;/a&gt;!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I would focus on two sides - emotional availability and well-being:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Encouraging healthy behaviour:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;See if she is getting enough sleep and if she is not - see if you can help her make the choice to sleep better.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;See if she is eating healthy and enough. If she isn't, see if you can buy her healthy food for a little while or encourage her to cook together.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;See if she is getting enough exercise. If she isn't see if you can go work out together or find a nice exercise class.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make yourself emotionally available:&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge her feelings and promote a feeling of safety.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be non-judgmental and emphasize you are on her side unconditionally on this.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make it explicit that if she wants to talk you are there for her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note: I based a bunch of this on research - I explicitly did not want to clutter my answer with scientific reviews - if anyone finds them helpful or would like to contest a point I've made - I can gladly provide them)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="4527" LastEditDate="2018-10-26T15:10:33.337" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T15:10:33.337" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19569" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-26T17:25:05.117" Score="3" ViewCount="261" Body="&lt;p&gt;I had a good colleague a few years ago, who started at my company at the same time as me. The last time we worked together was around five years ago and we didn't have any contact since, but we still had each other's phone numbers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While we've never been best friends and we didn't do anything outside work, we got along pretty well most of the time. So a few months ago, I happened to see her on a newspaper of sorts and I thought I should send her a photo of it and lightly make fun of her (neither of us takes the other very seriously, so no worries). We ended up talking a bit and bringing each other up to speed on what we've been doing the last five years and we ended the conversation cordially.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, on my birthday, she sent me good wishes, which... surprised me. I didn't think she would still have my birthday written down anywhere as she didn't write to me the last five years before I contacted her. It was a pleasant surprise, but now... I'm not sure what to do. I have no idea when her birthday is! I looked everywhere and I just can't find it. I don't really want the good wishes to be one way, but I feel it would be kinda awkward for me to simply ask her when her birthday is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tactfully find out my friend's birthday when I can only contact her over text?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9692" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-26T19:35:38.573" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T21:30:09.340" Title="Tactfully finding someone's birthday you forgot?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19570" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19572" CreationDate="2018-10-26T18:17:01.967" Score="10" ViewCount="1613" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I was watching a video of a popular influencer showing his morning routine. I was impressed by how much he had automated his morning tasks--turning his lights on via voice command, building a small gadget to turn on his appliances with a phone, and such--that it inspired me to want to do the same with my significant other and my routine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I told my fiancee my desire to automate our more mundane tasks, she was reluctant of the idea. She kept mentioning how she felt that the cost of buying these tools for automation was not worth it and associated that these tasks were trivial enough that not doing them is being lazy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has expressed similar opinions on this when I had once previously offered up the idea of having our groceries delivered to us to avoid taking a trip to the store after we got off work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For clarification, we are not tight on money. I explained to my fiancee before that there are certain tasks I would like to just invest the money in for us to not have to do if it meant it'll save us time. This has resulted us in getting in arguments in which have never led to a resolution. I am getting tired of this topic coming up only for us to never reach a compromise. However, I'm having trouble finding a way to have this talk without it abruptly ending.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I talk to my fiancee about my desire to automate things without it leading to an argument?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9369" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-26T18:25:43.083" LastActivityDate="2019-08-16T01:32:57.577" Title="How to talk to my fiancee about automating our routine without it leading to an argument?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19571" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19570" CreationDate="2018-10-26T18:46:16.647" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You proposed an idea to your fiancee and she shot it down. You then had two options: accept her answer is no, or try to continue arguing the point. You chose the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the most important parts of non-confrontational conversations is &lt;strong&gt;listening.&lt;/strong&gt; This means listening to the words they say but it also means listening to their tone, and even listening with your eyes to their body language. If your fiancee said &quot;No.&quot; with her words, tone and/or body language then you need to hear them and respect that, otherwise the conversation will end in conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just bringing up the point again will only result in more of the same. From her perspective, you're still not listening. She's made her point clear. So if you want to tell her that you've decided to buy these things with your own money, or something else unrelated to trying to convince her, I'd start by showing her that you've really heard her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey hun, I've thought a lot about what you said about the automation stuff in our routine and I understand how you feel about it being pretty expensive. I won't try to convince you to buy it all with me anymore, but I think...(stuff you wanted to say about automation here...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, she's made her stance on this clear, continuing to approach her trying to convince her is only an insult to her. I would strongly suggest dropping it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T18:46:16.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19572" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19570" CreationDate="2018-10-26T19:07:08.210" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to assume you perceive your fiance as a reasonable and decent human being. This means that when she says &quot;no&quot; to your requests for more automation she is not doing so in order to insult or antagonize you and she has a reasonable reason. It's great that you want to work on better communication!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be that she enjoys doing these mundane things with you, it might be that it sounds like a waste of money for her, it might be any number of things which none of us really know but your fiance probably does :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to echo what &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/11811/scohe001&quot;&gt;scohe001&lt;/a&gt; said in their answer. It's very important to start conversations with an open-mind and a willingness to hear each other out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to suggest an alternative to the proposed solution though:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I would like to talk to you about automation. I realise this is a topic that has been contested and caused arguments before. I love you and we're getting married so I really want to figure this out together. I would like to learn more about your opinion on the topic - do you think we can have a friendly conversation about that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, &lt;strong&gt;actually hear her out&lt;/strong&gt; and try to understand her objections to certain aspects of automation. Do not presume this is about money (or anything else) and do not criticize her objections or attack her. The fact a discussion is &quot;tiring&quot; means that people have gone from &quot;understanding each other&quot; to &quot;winning&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, acknowledge her objections and try to genuinely understand them. Ask clarifying questions when you don't understand and try to figure out objective measures together for those objections. Be sure that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are approaching the discussion with an open mind and a true intention to understand her rather than win an argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then once you understand what her objections are. You can ask her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Given automation is something I care about and given your objections X, Y and Z. Do you think we can define some measures and rules together and figure out how to make it work?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, think together about what you can do in terms of automation. Explain why it is important to you. Be honest if it's just recreational fun - that's not a bad thing! Inspiration is often both important and helpful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stick to objective facts. Saying &quot;You're never supportive of my ideas &quot; for example isn't helpful when your'e frustrated - saying &quot;I am frustrated&quot; is entirely fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T19:07:08.210" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19575" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19569" CreationDate="2018-10-26T20:26:22.833" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is one of those questions that people overthink.  If you think about it, people really can either get offended, or choose not to.  They can either answer, or they can choose not to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, it's remembering people's names.  So I am up front about it.  &quot;I'm sorry, we've been chatting and I am drawing a blank as to your name.&quot;  Or, if we talk a little bit or see each other several times, &quot;Hey... we've chatted for a while and for some reason I cannot remember your name.  I recognize you but I just don't remember.  I'm BaldPrussian; can you help me out?&quot; In that case, people choose to not be offended and choose to answer the question.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People don't find it rude if you do it in a self-effacing way.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd do the same with birthdays.  &quot;Hey.. you sent me a birthday card, which was really cool.  I must have had your birthday written down somewhere, but I put it somewhere so safe that I can't find it.  Can you remind me when it is?&quot;  That should work over text as well.  Face to face, I've asked people &quot;hey, we should celebrate your birthday - can you remind me when it is?&quot;  As long as it's someone I know and they know why I want to know, they've been accepting of the question.  That should work over text as well.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-26T21:30:09.340" LastActivityDate="2018-10-26T21:30:09.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19578" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-26T23:57:43.300" Score="8" ViewCount="493" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am wondering how to go about handling the situation of my lifelong best friend having forgotten my birthday.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are not in habit of giving gifts as we live across many states from each other and many times through the years one or the other of us has simply not had the budget: but always we exchange cards, texts and a series of birthday &quot;e-cards&quot; to mark the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is like a sister to me, I am actually more worried about her, because it is not like her to forget.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She's never forgotten in all the years we've known each other (47 to be exact)...&#xA;I want to know what's really happening and not make her feel bad that she forgot...&#xA;How do I go about asking what is really going on with her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17759" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-27T00:37:09.707" LastActivityDate="2018-10-27T07:32:59.563" Title="I'm worried about why my friend forgot my birthday, how can I ask her about it?" Tags="&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19579" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19578" CreationDate="2018-10-27T06:12:28.970" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The answer I'm going to write is directly from WikiHow &amp;quot;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Ask-Someone-if-They%27re-Okay&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to ask someone if they're okay&lt;/a&gt;&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the link, they assume you can talk in person. However, it doesn't seem to be the case for you. So, instead, I would &lt;strong&gt;strongly&lt;/strong&gt; suggest calling and not using text. In a text, you don't ear the other person voice. Also, I have noticed that, for me, it's easier to say &amp;quot;I'm okay&amp;quot; via text than via voice call when I'm, in fact, not okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here are the steps:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Preparing to talk&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a &lt;strong&gt;private&lt;/strong&gt; conversation. This means, if you call and they are in the middle of a crow, postpone the conversation for later. Your friend probably doesn't want other people to hear about his problems (I know I wouldn't).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure to ask when your friend have time to talk. Interruptions aren't good for this kind of talk and having your mind somewhere else isn't good either. It's my experience that, in this kind of situation, people will likely dismiss you because they just don't have the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Call when you have time too. If you have something else in mind, your friend will probably notice and will be less likely to talk (that's, again, my experience).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Remember that you cannot &amp;quot;fix&amp;quot; someone's problems. If your friend isn't ready to talk, let it go (more about that later).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If talking about something personal make you nervous, you can write down some bullet points you want to address.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Addressing your concerns&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Take a friendly yet concerned approach&lt;/strong&gt;. When talking to your friend, be warm, open, and gentle. Show that you are concerned and want to help and support them. While you might choose to approach the conversation casually, make sure they know that you care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say, “I’m concerned about you and want to know if you’re doing okay.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask how they are&lt;/strong&gt;. Once both of you appear ready to talk, begin asking some questions. You can start by simply asking, “Are you okay?”.&#xA;Keep in mind that there are lots of ways to see how your friend is doing. Ask, “How have you been lately?” You can also ask, “How are you doing? Do you want to talk?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Starting the conversation can be the hardest part. Jump right in and allow them to respond however they choose.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Mention something specific&lt;/strong&gt;. If there’s something that worries you or concerns you, bring it up. Especially if your friend is surprised or somewhat defensive to your questions, expand a bit more. Talk about what you’ve noticed and why it concerns you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For example, say, “I’ve noticed you’re spending a lot of time alone lately. Are you doing okay?”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can also say, “You’ve been really secretive. Is there something going on?”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Try to stick to objective observations without adding any assumptions or accusations.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, you can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have noticed that you have forgotten my birthday this year. I don't blame you for that but it made me worry that there was something going on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoid confrontation&lt;/strong&gt;. Notice if the person doesn’t want to talk about it or if they feel immediately defensive. You don’t want to cause a fight or argument. If the person is not responsive to your questions, drop it. Reiterate that you’re concerned and that you’re there for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the person is getting defensive, ask, “Is there someone else you’d like to talk to?” or, “I’ll leave you alone, but please don’t hesitate to call if you want to talk.”&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Understand that it might take a few conversations for them to open up about whatever’s going on. Try not to push the issue in your first conversation or two.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;The next point in WikiHow is about suicide. Feel free to read it if you want but I don't think it's necessary to include it here. If someone diseagre with me, please leave a comment and I will include it.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In WikiHow, there is another part about &amp;quot;Responding to the problems&amp;quot;. Since your question isn't about that, I won't write it down here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-27T06:12:28.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19580" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19578" CreationDate="2018-10-27T06:56:46.670" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've known her for 47 years and she has remembered your birthday until now. That's quite the special friendship! Good for you being a kind friend and caring.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Are you OK with her forgetting?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, it is OK to feel insulted or unhappy with her for forgetting your birthday. It is commendable that you care deeply about her - that does not mean any feelings you have regarding this are not OK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure you are determined not to bring up the fact she has forgotten. Telling her she has forgotten (without judgment) is the kind thing to do in my opinion since it would give her a chance to make it up to you. It's like telling someone they have a piece of food stuck in their tooth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How to approach her&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I go about asking what is really going on with her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, you can phone her and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey X, you are like a sister to me and I care deeply about you. I want you to know that I'm here for you and that if anything is going on with you you can talk to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people have a hard time being direct with their feelings and thoughts to others. If that's you (which is absolutely fine) you can practice this ahead of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Express that your friendship does not depend on her well-being:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I think that it's important for life-long friends to be there for each other. I want you to know that I'm your friend because I like you and not because your status or place in life. If you ever feel like you want someone to talk to I'm here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, ask what's up with her. Avoid &quot;How are you doing?&quot; which encourages the automatic &quot;Fine, thanks&quot;. You can ask about things going on in her life for example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So what are some things you have been focused on the last few days?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be sure to be ready for good or bad news (it might be a family member sick but it might also be a new baby in the family or a new hobby - we really can't tell). Be supportive and listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So in general:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Frame the context of the discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Make yourself available and welcoming to the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Indicate you are supportive of her, willing to listen and value your friendship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask her a concrete question about what she has been doing recently.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's entirely possible she won't speak up or isn't comfortable speaking up. You can repeat this exercise of declaring your willingness to be there for her and support her non-judgmentally several times.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you can do (as a distant second alternative) is ask a non-distant or local friend what's up with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-27T07:32:59.563" LastActivityDate="2018-10-27T07:32:59.563" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19582" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19585" CreationDate="2018-10-27T12:01:05.247" Score="5" ViewCount="708" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been dating my girlfriend for the last year, but we became officially a couple 3 months ago, I'm 28 and she is 21. We do not live together and we see each other usually twice a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We had some situations when she becomes mad or upset about something which may or not be my fault so she starts texting me, this leads to a long and painful conversation over the phone, usually only text, eventually voice audios and rarely calls. These conversations end badly because I cannot get what the real problem is from her texts so I answer with something that makes her angrier for not understanding her, and it comes to a point where nothing I can say will make things better, so I have to wait to see her in person and begin a slow process of making things better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to help her in that moment and tell her it would be better to keep talking in person when things start to heat up without letting her think I'm kind of abandoning her in that moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most of her problems are because of her insecurity, and also she seems to have been hurt emotionally before so when she is in that position she gets really defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14252" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T17:16:54.180" Title="How to avoid an argument over the phone with my girlfriend" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19583" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19512" CreationDate="2018-10-27T16:04:28.527" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First: Talk to your daughter. Tell her that the aunt has no right to harrass her, but unfortunately nobody can stop her from phoning. Tell her that there is nothing the aunt can do to hurt her. Tell her that there is absolutely no reason to worry about the money that the aunt wants, because there is no way that the aunt will get a penny. Not from you, not from your wife, not from your daughter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, in case nobody thought of it, check whether your daughter's phone can block numbers. It's quite likely that she can block her aunt's number. The aunt might try to use another phone, that can be blocked as well. If she can't block numbers, get her a better phone that can. Which will cheer her up as well, and I guess she needs that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Third, you need to find out what is exactly going on in these phone calls. So when you're at home, she can unblock the aunt's number, and if she gets a call, come straight to you before answering, then take the call with you present, and put the phone on speakerphone. Prepare some question your daughter needs to ask: Why does the aunt want $8,000? Why does she think the daughter should give her $8,000? Why does she think the daughter has $8,000 to give her? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that information, it will be easier to handle this. Maybe there is a rational or irrational reason why the aunt thinks she is owed money. Maybe someone told her your daughter won the lottery, and she figured out she wants a share. Maybe she needs money and your daughter seemed a good victim. Maybe she just wants to upset your daughter. Anyway, once you figure that out, you can go from there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't find out anything, then you need to assume that the aunt has gone mad. Your wife might make enquiries first in the family whether the aunt is alright. It might be the beginning of Alzheimer's and someone, years ago, owed her $8,000 and she thinks it is your daughter. Thinking of madness is extreme, but so is the whole situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck. Once more, tell your daughter not to worry and explain to her why she doesn't have to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-27T16:35:37.850" LastActivityDate="2018-10-27T16:35:37.850" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19584" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19586" CreationDate="2018-10-27T18:08:59.760" Score="2" ViewCount="247" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been trying to argue using logic and facts but I think you know how certain people in &quot;power&quot; use different techniques to stay in power. I have noticed that for quite a number of years, quite a few people just refuse to answer my questions, even though my questions are reasonable. This is what we call in Sweden a &quot;power technique&quot; i.e. a method for the power user to stay in power. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I proceed in cases where people refuse to answer ever reasonable questions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22727" LastActivityDate="2018-10-27T19:21:43.737" Title="How should I deal with people who don't answer questions?" Tags="&lt;arguments&gt;&lt;non-violent-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" ClosedDate="2018-10-28T14:33:24.297" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19585" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19582" CreationDate="2018-10-27T18:14:49.907" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Congratulations on the relationship and good job taking a step towards better communication!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The advice below applies to cases where it is &lt;em&gt;not your fault&lt;/em&gt; and she does not perceive it as your fault - though it can be mostly applied in that case too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These conversations end badly because I cannot get what the real problem is from her texts so I answer with something that makes her angrier for not understanding her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, there are two options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Either she is looking for &lt;strong&gt;emotional support&lt;/strong&gt; from you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Or she is looking for &lt;strong&gt;practical support&lt;/strong&gt; from you.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to deal with them is entirely different. Let me start with practical support which is easier:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Practical support&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is when she's calling you with a problem &lt;strong&gt;and wants you to fix it&lt;/strong&gt;. This is clearly indicated by asking for help (&quot;can you help me with this?&quot;). If she does not explicitly asks for help but you still suspect practical help might be appreciated you can ask &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is this something you want me to try and fix for you or do you want me to just be here for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the issue is about practical support I recommend you ask clarifying questions until you understand the issue rather than answer. If answers make her angrier then don't answer - instead ask as many questions as you need in order to understand the issue and only then comment about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I really want to get to the bottom of this and make sure I understand you. Can you please explain why X?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to be kind and non-judgmental. If she is getting defensive it's because she does not feel safe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, after she has given you all the information - suggest concrete actions, let her pick from the alternatives, clarify it until it is clear to all sites and work on it together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Emotional support&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of time in relationships people just need other people to be there for them. If this is the case (and this is common) you do not need to actually answer anything at all. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you need to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;1. Make her feel safe&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I'd love to hear about all of this. I am here for you and I want to hear you out. You are welcome to tell me as much or as little as you want and I promise not to judge or criticise your feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then actually hear her out, try to be empathic and see where she is coming from and be non-judgmental. You do not need to fix anything here - just to hear her out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;2. Acknowledge her feelings&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she says she feel a certain way - simply acknowledge that. So if she say something along the line of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;X was really mean to me today and I'm frustrated!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than say something about X, you can respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Wow yeah, that does sound really frustrating. It gets really frustrating when people are mean to you sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, if she says something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am really sad because Y happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That makes sense, Y is something that can make people sad. I'm sorry you're sad and I'm here for you - thanks for telling me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do not need to solve X or Y for her - only to be there and listen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;3. De-Escalate and empathize&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is frustrated, sad or angry about something. You can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;De-escalate the situation when it is emotionally unstable. This can be done constructively (after acknowledging it) in several ways. Here are some (but certainly not all) examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can do somatic breathing (meditation)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can re-frame the situation in a way that does not paint it is pervasive or personal (but does not invalidate it!)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can ask for a 5 minute pause to eat/go to the toilet/drink.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You can affirm your affection for her (&quot;I love you and care about you&quot;).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then empathise with her. If you had a previous situation (especially with a favorable outcome) you can bring it up and emphasise the struggle and how you dealt with negative feelings during it. This helps reduce stigma and intensity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In particular experiences of overcoming help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing is to &lt;em&gt;be there&lt;/em&gt; in both cases &lt;em&gt;listen&lt;/em&gt; and be compassionate to her issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-10-27T18:14:49.907" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19586" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19584" CreationDate="2018-10-27T18:52:26.463" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;People would dodge or divert a question for many reasons. It can be that they don't have an answer and they don't want to be perceived as unknowledgeable or they might hold a hidden agenda and wish to maintain it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Politicians are notoriously known to put a lot of smoke-and-mirrors without answering a question simply because they are artist in this field and they use the words in such way that they say a lot but they will not answer your question. (Usually they would answer a completely different question where they feel comfortable answering.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So that's on a nutshell an intro of why to dodge a question; back to your original question: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How should I deal with people who don't answer questions?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they play the smoke-and-mirror trick on you do what lawyers like to do: &lt;strong&gt;guide them.&lt;/strong&gt; Given them the answer and ask them if what you said is true. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Would it be a true statement to say that you're against plan X because of A &amp;amp; B?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it simple so they can digest the question. Ask them if they can start with a YES or NO and then build their argument. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your questions are reasonable as you state then you should expect a reasonable answer. Don't allow them to lose focus and tell them that you didn't understand the answer if the question is [here comes the initial &lt;strong&gt;simple&lt;/strong&gt; question]. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-27T19:21:43.737" LastActivityDate="2018-10-27T19:21:43.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19587" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-27T19:04:28.743" Score="4" ViewCount="703" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; How to help/support a close person with no long-term goals in life who shies away from everything that is not immediately rewarding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother seems to be completely unmotivated. The only things he does without being forced are watching sports/Netflix, gaming (I am not sure but I don't think he is addicted), doing sports and meeting friends. Everything else (like searching a job) is only done if there is consistent pressure (mostly from our mother). He is 30 and lives with our parents. He does not wash his clothes and cooks and cleans only if he is forced.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today there was a discussion about the rent, which he is not paying. After this discussion I ended up writing this questions:&#xA;He earns good money and doesn't spend a lot so he has more the enough in his account. It seems like it's even to much trouble to spend the money. When his parents asked him to arrange a standing order for the rent he refused. Not because he wanted to keep the money. It is to much of a hassle to either set up online banking or go to the bank and arrange a standing order. He even offered to pay them instantly via PayPal any amount they wanted, just so he would not be bothered anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His main goals in live seem to be spending as much time watching Netflix and sports and playing some game on his phone as possible. It does not seem like he is happy or unhappy, it even seems like he doesn't care about his happiness. Asking him about goals and the future annoys him and if he answers, he says he doesn't care or he doesn't know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Additional Information&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;As far as I know he never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl. I&#xA;don't know  if and how much this bothers him. Asking him about this&#xA;topic he says he doesn't care. It seems like he resigned.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is not a very social person. But he has some friends which meets and is integrated in some clubs.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents, especially my mother, are upset about his behaviour but, like me, they are absolutely clueless what should be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About myself&lt;/strong&gt;: I am his younger brother, living 3 hours away from my parents and him. I come over to visit every 4-6 weeks for a weekend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Reason why I want to change his situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It feels like he is wasting his life&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think he could be happier&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I think he might regret his behaviour in the future&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His parents are suffering under his behaviour&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He might be lonely in future as his friends become more and more occupied with their families&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to him that I want to see him more active and less lazy and unmotivated?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22728" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-28T14:04:26.497" Title="How to deal with a family member who does not care about anything in life?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;how-to-help&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19588" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19587" CreationDate="2018-10-27T19:50:46.827" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I help him to become are more active and less lazy and unmotivated person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, people generally change when they want to change and only after they've weighted the pros and cons of the decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all - it is not your fault or responsibility to change him. As their brother you need to be there for him and believe in him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you indicated they would not consider getting help from a mental-health professional (which I highly recommend). You can:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Be there for him and listen.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do not judge or criticise his behavior or call him &quot;lazy&quot;. Instead: believe in him and be supportive of him. Tell him you love him and you're there for him and try to be non-judgmental around him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are his brother and you want to have a meaningful relationship with him. He needs to trust you and know you are on his side. For this he needs to not feel attacked or criticized around you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Help build his self efficacy.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him you believe in him, literally:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I believe in you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make small challenges around his fields of interest that he can win and then challenge him. This has to be things he &lt;em&gt;wants&lt;/em&gt; to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have him experience small success and gradually build up bigger challenges and congratulate him on successes. Re-frame situations he might perceive as failures (trying is a huge win after not trying - even if there is measurable outcome) and thank him for making an effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Support healthy habits.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that you should &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; criticize unhealthy ones until you have established a trusting relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might be (&lt;em&gt;after him agreeing to it&lt;/em&gt;):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Paying for a personal trainer for him at a sport he likes or a gym membership.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Promoting better food choices (cook for him for example) and avoiding celebrating with &quot;bad food&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Support good sleep hygiene and habits (a friendly competition of who can sleep better with a sleep tracker?).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Support and suggest practices for emotion regulation.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Meditation (a headspace/calm subscription works).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Getting him a pet (if he understands and can commit to one).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hiking/nature.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Relaxing creative hobbies (painting or coding for example)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Focus on objective, attainable and measurable goals&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you define goals together (for example for a friendly contest) - make sure that things are attainable and objective. Remember that this is not about &quot;winning&quot; this is about supporting him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck with your brother. It's pretty great you care so much and want to help him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-10-27T19:50:46.827" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19590" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19593" CreationDate="2018-10-27T23:06:25.190" Score="1" ViewCount="1022" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m 19 years old in Bucharest, Romania in high school at grade 12. Since I’ve been gifted with an iPhone, I kinda liked staying on my new phone. But, I couldn’t control myself. Now my parents suggested to make a time table, and at 19:00 every day to surrender my phone to my mother until the final exam.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another issue is that I have to take pills. After I had surgery on my back bone when I was in grade 9, my doctor recommended that I take pills for the rest of my life, without breaks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What's the main problem?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can’t even give her the phone, because when she does this, I feel like I’m 4 years old. And sometimes I don’t want to take pills at night, because I don’t feel like it. Like for example, today, I didn’t want to. But my mother forces me to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother keeps insisting that I surrender the phone and keep taking the pills. How can I talk to her in such that she will stop insisting with these two things?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Questions:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How to ask my mother to cancel the time table for giving up my phone?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How to tell my mother that I don’t want to take pills at night, only sometimes?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask her this in a way that she won’t get angry at me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I tried to ask her, &amp;quot;not this night&amp;quot;, she refused. And I don’t like to take the pills because it tastes horrible after it dissolves in water. It makes me feel sensations of throwing up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13918" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T19:30:04.707" Title="How to tell to my mother that I don’t want to do certain things she requests me to do?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19591" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-28T04:36:12.790" Score="4" ViewCount="592" Body="&lt;p&gt;I and one of my friends play a game 'X' and we play equally well. Whenever we have a team (pair) event, both of us pair up. However, in presence of others, he often says that I am in 'his' team. In fact, he once remarked while playing with another team that he chose me in his team because I played very well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I make my friend understand that such comments make me uncomfortable?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel I shouldn't talk to him about this directly as I don't want to escalate (he is very nice to talk with in general and it isn't a major issue). It's just that I don't want to listen silently and let others take my silence for granted. The next time it happens, I want to prepare myself for a tactful response in order to make him realize that such comments are unwelcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17667" LastEditorDisplayName="user17667" LastEditDate="2018-10-29T08:43:11.417" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T08:43:11.417" Title="How to tactfully deal with friend who claims that I am in 'his' team?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19592" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19591" CreationDate="2018-10-28T12:02:51.713" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Next time when he says:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Pickachu is on my team&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can reply &lt;em&gt;as it happens&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Our team&lt;/em&gt;, we are both on &lt;em&gt;our&lt;/em&gt; team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is non confrontational and objective and should clear things up. There is no need to make this into a bigger issue than it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless he has explicitly said otherwise it is likely that he does not in fact want to portray that he has &quot;accepted&quot; you and has another reason. For example: people think about things from their own perspective first usually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be very careful of &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/mind-reading&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;mind reading&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to bring it up directly (which you absolutely can - it's fine) you can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey FRIEND, I noticed that uses of &quot;Pikachu is on my team&quot; sometimes. Would you be OK saying &quot;Pikachu and I are on the same team&quot; instead because that would clarify we are partners and friends in the team?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's entirely possible he has no idea of the subtleties - or he does and calling him on it would make him pay better attention to the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on the facts (what wording was used) and not the subjectives or unknowns (his intentions). Contrast it with positives (we're friends and partners) and emphasize your shared success.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck with your friends and good luck with your chess :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-10-28T12:02:51.713" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19593" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19590" CreationDate="2018-10-28T12:23:01.833" Score="7" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I ask her these 2 questions in such that she won’t have to get angry at me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From what you wrote it sounds like this is a &lt;em&gt;trust&lt;/em&gt; issue. Your mother does not &lt;em&gt;trust&lt;/em&gt; you to behave like a responsible adult and take care of your own issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to build trust with your mother you need to engage in trust-building activities. Simply put: if you want to be treated like a responsible adult you need to convince her you are one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;How to get your mother to cancel the time table&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You demonstrate your ability to manage your own time consistently. You can talk to her about this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey mom, I realize that because you have concerns about my ability to manage my time you have restricted my usage of device X. This is frustrating to me and I realize this must be frustrating to you too. What trust-building steps would it take for you to let me run my own time-table while living in your house?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;strong&gt;listen&lt;/strong&gt;. Do not judge her response, do not attack or criticize her. Actually listen and come up with a constructive plan together for time management. You can offer to take active steps towards better time-management (like a time-management workshop or course) and offer to involve her in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Spending your time doing stuff you don't believe in does not lead to very constructive places.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to tell to my mother that I don’t want to take pills at night, only sometimes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You get a two doctor's appointments to two different doctors who understand your medical condition and you gather &lt;em&gt;evidence&lt;/em&gt; that stopping the pills at night makes sense for your medical condition. Then you approach your mother with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey mom, here are written statements from two expert doctors who suggested alternative treatment for my condition. According to their alternative I need to take pill Y only once a week. What do you think about it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;em&gt;listen&lt;/em&gt; to what your mother has to say. Again, it's great for trust building to help involve her in the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds frustrating to both you and your mom at the moment. I think it's great you understand this is something you should work on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-10-28T12:23:01.833" CommentCount="9" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19594" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19587" CreationDate="2018-10-28T14:04:26.497" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've known a lot of people like your brother. When I was younger I had a bad habit of collecting &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Couch%&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;couch surfers&quot;&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;couch surfer&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;  one who defeats homelessness by relying upon a series of friends' couches. A friend or aquaintance who frequently crashes at your house. Can be due to inability to pay his own rent, frequent and/or persistent intoxication, or reluctance to return to his own dwelling. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found was that many of my couch surfers wouldn't take the necessary steps to improve their situation until they had to. As in, they were content with living on their friend's couch, getting wasted, playing video games, until I got sick of it and put them out. This was always a hard thing to do. I wanted to help my friends. I wasn't entirely sure that they would be able to get it together and support themselves, but at the same time it was obvious that they were stagnating and I was enabling that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I found was that when I stopped enabling them, one of two things would inevitably happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They would find a new enabler, and live on their couch, or...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They would be forced by their discomfort to start providing for themselves, pay their own bills, and buy their own couch.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mention all of this because it sounds like your parents are enabling your brother to live the way he's living. It sounds like he's functional enough that if he &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; had to, he could pay his own way and get his own place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The solution here isn't so much about &quot;help and support&quot;, it's more about withdrawing the help and support, until he's supporting himself. A functional 30 year old shouldn't need his parents or siblings to nag and/or remind him to pay his bills, socialize, or date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's probably well past time for your parents to start the process of pushing him out of the nest. He may stumble, he may forget to pay his utilities and have them turned off a few times, but eventually these things become &lt;em&gt;self teaching&lt;/em&gt;. Life will impose natural consequences, so you and your parents won't need to. All you all need to do is to stop sheltering him from those consequences. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-10-28T14:04:26.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19595" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19670" CreationDate="2018-10-28T15:29:53.413" Score="8" ViewCount="928" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in a situation like this a handful of times. I'll provide an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a competative online gaming group, one other person and I were responsible for a particular task (role). Because of reasons outside the scope of the question, my usual partner to do this tactic wasn't there and I had to do this with someone who had never done this before: Bob. Bob made a critical mistake, but he did not realise he made a mistake. I did, and I knew only Alice had the ability to fix it. The mistake being critical, it meant we would lose within seconds if it didn't get fixed. I nicely but firmly asked Alice, having no more than seconds to explain. Alice refused to, because it was not part of her role. A few moments later, we lost the battle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alice went all-out on me. In particular, she complained about how I shifted my responsibility onto someone else and questioned my ability to do my role. She even questioned my ability to play this game on a competitive level. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The group leader responded to her accusations and asked me to defend myself (publicly, so GL, Alice, Bob and the rest of the group were part of this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point I saw two possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say Bob caused the mistake, not me. I felt uncomfortable doing this. I didn't want to publicly humiliate him. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Apologise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I went with option 2 and apologised for what happened. It being late and at the end of our scheduled game time, I logged off and went to bed after this (uncomfortable) conversation. I went to work the next day and when I got back, I found I had been removed from the group because I had supposedly failed at a critical task in my role. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. How could I have handled this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This being an online group, everyone was from different locations. Most people were from East-Central and Northern Europe, Britain and Netherlands. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarification: We normally discussed how the night went using forum posts. Most people responded the day after. I intended to leave talking about the actual strategy to the next day, when I could think more about my words.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;This group was pretty toxic. Being removed was very much a bullet dodged, but that's not the point of the question. I managed to explain what happened to the leader, but he couldn't invite me back or he'd &quot;lose face&quot;. I'd like to learn from this particular social situation.&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12101" LastEditorUserId="13953" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T20:51:24.570" LastActivityDate="2018-11-01T01:02:26.727" Title="How do I defend my role in a situation, when the person who caused it is part of the conversation?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19596" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19595" CreationDate="2018-10-28T17:47:22.767" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I get what the issue is. How about not be too nice next time and just state the fact. I wonder what happened to our dear friend bob. Is he still part of the group? Did he show any guilt about being the main reason you are out? Anyway that's not the point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is...You are too nice. You don't want to see other people embarrassed and that's all good and dandy but sometimes it puts you in tough situations even when you haven't done anything wrong. I guess for future, hold your ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When situation similar to this arises, detach. I repeat emotionally DETACH yourself from the whole thing. Instead of being in the center of it all, think facts, neutral. It helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter how much we want some events to occur differently, we have to stand afar and see whats obvious. Why take the bullet for people who you are not sure would do the same for you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IN SHORT, STOP BEING TOO NICE.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT: I don't mean detach yourself in a blank and robotic way. I mean detach your emotions and wishes. How would you assess the situation if you were not a part of it, like a third person. &#xA;Also nor do i mean that you should be an insensitive a**hoe who is always pointing facts (with all due respect to you.) There,s a huge difference between standing your ground politely and respectfully without hurting other's feelings (while still being firm) and being annoyingly rude and unreliably selfish. Rest i know you ll do the right thing. Take care&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22492" LastEditorUserId="22492" LastEditDate="2018-10-29T12:57:34.217" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T12:57:34.217" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19597" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-28T17:47:27.740" Score="2" ViewCount="716" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I, both 17 years old, have been together for about two months now. Character-wise, we both are what you'd probably call a little nerdy; we want to make career and so we try to be good in school. Still, we are both totally integrated and we have lots of friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few days after she told me she loved me, we had our first kiss. It was just a regular one but, since it's our first relationship, we found it awkward to kiss when our friends were around, so the next time, we kissed after a date. I kissed her once and tried to continue but she pulled away, which was already kind of irritating to me.&#xA;The next few times I tried to kiss her (no French kissing ;)), she avoided it and eventually, we talked about it. She had a pretty bad history with other guys, no relationships and nothing serious, but multiple guys treated her very poorly, sexually harassed her and tried to exploit the fact that she trusted them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She told me that she could understand that I wanted to kiss her and hold her in my arms when watching a movie and stuff, but she also said that it was not good for her because every time I did, she would be afraid because of what had happened to her. I asked her if I could somehow help her with that, but she said she wanted to cope with this herself; obviously, I completely respect that she doesn't want to have too close physical contact, I am in love with her and I want her to be happy, but still, it kind of bothers me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may sound cheesy, but I would love to kiss her, watch romantic movies, cuddle and stuff. It's not about sex. For me, it's about her and that I love her, if you understand what I mean. I really want to do all that stuff with her but at the same time, I don't want her to feel awkward or afraid; I don't want to hurt her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, this was a pretty long text, and due to my bad English, it propably sounds a little weird. My questions are: what do you think can I do to help her get over that? I am really helpless, it's my first real relationship and already I have to cope with a problem like that... Thank you all, in advance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22733" LastEditorUserId="59" LastEditDate="2018-10-28T17:59:53.783" LastActivityDate="2018-10-28T17:59:53.783" Title="Girlfriend has problems with kisses and physical contact. How should I react and how can I help her?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-10-28T21:15:30.650" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19598" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-28T20:29:47.983" Score="0" ViewCount="723" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife is very irritable.  The slightest annoyance can make her stern, change the way she speaks, and cause her to increase the volume and pitch of her voice, and essentially hammer her point to somebody until they are subdued into silence.  I see this behaviour with both her parents, her grandmother, and myself.  I don't think she behaves this way in the workplace or with friends although I'm obviously not always with her.  But I doubt that she is like this with other people because she is very sociable, a great networker and has many friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When she speaks with her parents she is likely to get angry whenever they don't understand something, make a mistake, or disagree with something she is doing.  She will raise her voice and keep speaking louder and faster, and argue with them until they are subdued.  Her father generally just makes his point but quickly gives and goes silent; her mother is more argumentative and will also shout back and they will have full-blown arguments until her mother just goes to another room, slams the door and hides away for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is not particularly aggressive to her grandmother who is an old lady but I've noticed that even with her while her voice doesn't tend to become shouty my wife will increase the pitch of her voice and consistently hammer away her point to her if they disagree on something (maybe her grandmother disagreed with how my wife spoke to her father for example).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife has told me that during her childhood her parents were extremely argumentative and couldn't get along so they were regularly fighting; they have not lived together for 20 years and they've tended to argue easily whenever they are together to the point where they now just don't speak to each other at all, even if they are in the same room for 4 or more hours at at time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've been together many years and married a few, and she has always been somewhat irritable and easily angered (except for the first year we were together).  I'm fairly good natured and have generally just accepted it as her part of her personality and let things slide, just nod along, do whatever she wanted done at the moment, said 'sorry' and 'it was me who did wrong' and whatever else would get her to calm down quickly.  I feel I learnt a long time ago that arguing back was fruitless so just found methods to return her back to a normal state as quickly as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In many ways we are happy and we are financially stable with no real worries at all; we have jobs we generally enjoy, reasonable salaries, have a home with a mortgage, no children and no health issues so there is no obvious underlying issue that should be causing my wife to be so angry and irritable.  My wife is also generally very caring, has helped me a lot while I studied while working, and we often have a lot of fun together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But things my wife was angry over with me include: I didn't turn the light off on the landing (many times); I'm late to meet her by 5 minutes (although she is also just as often later, and sometimes by a lot more, and I just laugh); I didn't send her a text to ask her how she felt at a particular time of day; my sister was late to meet us by twenty minutes; I invited a good old friend to stay with us at one weekend at a yet-to-be-determined time in the future; I went for a walk (after telling her) which lasted a couple of hours longer than I expected and when she phoned me I didn't answer for the first couple of calls as I was walking and didn't hear / feel the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any of these things have made her angry; this can result in being berated from a couple of minutes to an hour or more and I have to pretty much agree that 'it's all my fault' and say sorry multiple times to get her back to normal.  Many of these things I wouldn't even think of if she does it, or will just laugh as she realises her double standard (and she'll laugh too when she's caught out, such as being late).  Some aren't even really my fault, like my sister being a bit late, but I still have to say it's my fault for not considering and planning for my sister being late.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, despite my attempts to generally humour my wife's moods, on two occasions she drove me to an extreme rage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first time I don't remember why she was angry with me; it was unlikely to be anything serious because in many many years I've not done anything that a reasonable person would think was very bad.  That time she was smacking me across my arms; she was not hitting me so hard that I would be really hurt by it but it was repetitive and it was hard enough to hurt a little and be somewhat uncomfortable.  Along with the stress of being shouted at and berated too I felt extremely uncomfortable.  I eventually reacted by screaming in her face repeatedly to 'never hit me again'.  I was screaming as loud as I could and very close to her face and continued until her mum came to see what was wrong; at which point I told her that my wife had been hitting me and so I left the room and went to spend some time on my own.  My wife was silent when I screamed at her; she seemed intimidated by me and didn't shout back; I think she was shocked that I change and release my anger like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should say that she has never repeated that slapping behaviour since that day and I think she's clear now that I find it totally unacceptable. It wasn't a regular thing before that although I don't think that was a one-off event, it may have happened once or twice before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The second time I raged at her was recently and she started raising her voice and berating me because I made a comment that upset her; this time it was a mistake on my part, because I insinuated she had bad feelings towards my family, but really, the way she spoke led me to believe she was making a point about them because she ended one conversation about money and switched immediately to them (not that money and them is a big issue in any way).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, earlier that week she had already come home one evening and berated me for an hour where I said nothing and just took her shouting and ranting and did my best to calm  her down; the reason was because I hadn't emailed her to see how a medical appointment for a very minor issue had gone (her mum had already updated me and she was due home in 30 minutes so there didn't seem much reason to do anything but wait).  Later I'd let her know how much it upset me and that I felt it was actually a bit abusive and she was very apologetic for a couple of days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So when she started berating me again I first stayed quiet for about 5 minutes and just listened to what she said, hoping she would just finish venting. But she then started asking me questions so that I couldn't just be silent.  I told her I was sorry but she continued shouting, so then I told her 'it was all my fault and I was wrong' but again she continued going at me. I suddenly started to feel angry and told her to stop what she was doing; she didn't so then I said it more sternly and also swore at her; she then complained that I swore at her and continued complaining at me.  Suddenly I felt the anger increasing rapidly and kept repeating 'stop shouting at me' with variations increasingly louder until I was screaming at the side of her face while she sat there looking away in silence. This only last about 10 seconds and then I got up and walked away to be alone while her mum came to see what was happening.  It was even worse than just shouting because I'd been eating when she made me angry and I accidentally also spat out food that was in my mouth and throat while screaming at her so that it was on her hair and clothes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've haven't spoken to her since although I have spoken to her mum.  Obviously I apologized to her mum but also told her that I was struggling to cope with my wife's short temper.  Her mum of course was upset with my behaviour but she was pretty understanding too because she can really empathize; she actually is at the end of my wife's short temper much more often than I am.  I used to try and reign my wife in when they argued but gave up long ago as that would just turn my wife's anger towards me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I have to make peace with my wife again soon and I know we'll both be very sorry, but I also think that she is very much likely to continue being short-tempered and resorting to angry behaviour. I would like advice to help me and the rest of her family both cope with this and help her find better ways to cope with irritation, annoyance, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to feel that rage again; I don't want to behave like that; I try my best everyday to be a friendly and helpful person with everyone I meet and interact with, and have arranged my life to deal with negative people as little as possible (especially those from my past who would cause me to feel angry).  During some low points in my life I've suffered depression and had suicidal thoughts so I really value a calm and happy lifestyle.  I think because I've been in those negative states before I've learnt to not let little things annoy me in the same way my wife has, and I also don't have high expectations of everyone and am fairly understanding of people's minor failings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For some background, my wife is Chinese and I'm British, and we live in the UK; she has lived here much more than a decade and is fluent English speaker, has a good job, and is as integrated into the culture here as she wants to be.  Her mother comes to visit every year for a few months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What steps can I take to help my wife deal with her irritableness and anger so that I'm not in a situation again where I enter a rage?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22734" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-10-29T04:24:06.437" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T04:24:06.437" Title="How do I help my wife control her irritablness and anger so she doesn't induce me to a rage?" Tags="&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-10-28T21:15:56.883" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19600" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19598" CreationDate="2018-10-28T21:45:31.683" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I went through something somewhat similar when I was married. My partner would get upset or stressed and would resort to shouting and berating the people who were closest to them. Their parents, children, and me. A simple apology was rarely enough to sate the tantrums, they seemed to need a full groveling submission before letting up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to tell you that I figured out a way to help them channel their anger more appropriately, but that would be an overstatement. I did however find a way to deal with it until they decided to seek professional help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ended up using a series of what I call &quot;meta discussions&quot;. I'd wait until the storm had passed and everyone had a chance to calm down, and then &lt;strong&gt;have a talk about how we talk to eachother.&lt;/strong&gt; It wasn't a rehash of the fight, but instead talking about how we fought. Through these discussions I learned a lot about why they behaved that way, mostly that that was the way their parents fought. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Eventually I learned that I didn't have to put up with being treated like that. When they started shouting, I could just calmly make my exit and return home when they'd run out of steam. We discussed this approach in a few meta discussions and decided that it was probably for the best... In the heat of the moment, when emotions were high and they tried to keep me home and force me to listen to the shouting, I learned to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't deserve to be treated this way. When you're ready to talk to me like a partner, we'll talk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;This helped me keep my sanity till they sought out professional help. This is not a complete solution. The complete solution really does require professional help and support.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I'm in the process of getting divorced,  so take this with a heaping spoonful of salt ;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-10-28T21:45:31.683" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19601" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-29T08:53:00.360" Score="10" ViewCount="1229" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little over a year ago, I met a nice girl (let's call her Alice) and we went on some dates together. Things were going well until she stopped talking to me, which I later found out (once we started talking again) was because she had been having some body image issues and didn't feel up to socialising with anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since that initial gap of us not talking (for about a month and a half), things have deteriorated. We still speak every now and then, and we've caught up once or twice, but it's always very brief. There have been times when we have discussed catching up, or started a very short conversation, but nothing has ever come of it. For one thing I'm worried about cutting into her personal space too much or making her feel uncomfortable, so I'm always reluctant to initiate conversation with her, but a lot of the time it's because she doesn't reply to a lot of my messages when I do initiate conversation or bring up the possibility of us hanging out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, I like her personality a lot, and we have a lot of common interests. Although I said we did start out by going on dates, I would also be fine with things if she just wanted to be friends (and obviously, if her reduced communication is due to her not wanting any further contact with me, I would respect that and cease communication with her). I would assume that she doesn't want to know me any more, if it weren't for the fact that she initiates conversation from time to time and (from the tone of our messages) seems to enjoy talking to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Goal&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To find out what sort of relationship we have - whether we're friends, romantic interests for each other, or whether she wants me out of her life. (Incidentally, I'd lean more towards wanting to be friends with her at this point, but I could see a romantic spark starting up again). That way I know how much effort to put into communicating with her and know whether or not I should stop talking to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I've Tried So Far&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Starting up innocuous conversations in the hopes that once we get talking, I can move the topic to talking about what we think of each other. By innocuous I mean sending her a funny picture, or a link to an article she might be interested in. As mentioned above, our conversations are usually very brief, so the ball never really gets rolling enough.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Sending her messages asking whether she'd like to go out for lunch or to the movies. With a bit of luck, once we're catching up in person, I can bring up the topic. It's been a while since we've spent time together, though, and she usually replies that she's busy when I ask her to hang out, so I haven't had the opportunity to do so.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Flat-out asking whether she wants me in her life. To elaborate, I sent her a message a few months ago which can be summed up as, &quot;I'm worried that I might make you uncomfortable when I message you; would you like me to stay out of your life?&quot; I didn't get a response from her, and to err on the side of caution, I decided not to talk to her. Through complete coincidence, a few weeks after I sent that message, we ran into each other at a convention, and got (occasionally) talking once more from there.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I've Considered&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Calling her up and discussing what's going on between us. Speaking will have a lot less ambiguity than messaging, but it feels very confrontational (especially as this would come out of the blue), and I'd rather this conversation be as friendly as possible.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If anyone considers it to be relevant to the question, we're both Aussies, and we're both in our mid-20s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22737" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T11:02:24.387" Title="How to confirm what my relationship with this person is" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19602" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19601" CreationDate="2018-10-29T09:41:51.127" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;The words that stand out in your post are: &lt;em&gt;body image issues&lt;/em&gt;. Although you don't elaborate on how serious this problem is for Alice, it could well be the reason for your difficult communication. She has told you it was the reason your socialising &lt;em&gt;stopped&lt;/em&gt;, so it is a fair assumption that it is the reason your socialising hasn't &lt;em&gt;resumed&lt;/em&gt; as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People with negative body image issues &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; struggle with relationships. It certainly doesn't mean they can't have one, but it can be uncomfortable for them at times. They have an inner voice telling them negative things about themselves, and a partner telling them the complete opposite - and that can be confusing. Imagine if you had a friend that constantly told you with conviction things that you inwardly believe are untrue - that would be unsettling; you might not even know if you can trust that person. This is what a person with a body image issue in a relationship can feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, it may be that your questions about the relationship are unsettling for her, for different reasons than you might expect. I think you may have to be more patient and build your relationship back up again over time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of a &quot;date&quot;, tell her that you would like to meet as friends. Most importantly, &lt;em&gt;mean it&lt;/em&gt;. Don't promise to be friends and then go after more. You may have to earn her trust. Also, just consider whether her particular body issues might affect &lt;em&gt;eating&lt;/em&gt;. I don't just mean an &quot;eating disorder&quot; where people don't eat or overeat - some people can develop extreme anxiety about eating in front of others. A lunch date might not be the best thing. It might even be the reason you've been ignored/turned down. Even a movie date might mean popcorn, so try something that doesn't involve eating until you know more about the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; be complex at times, but really they ought not to be. It is normally obvious whether someone likes you or not. You seem sure that there is &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; here, even if it is just a friendship, so don't give up. Be a friend, &lt;em&gt;show&lt;/em&gt; (not just tell) her that she can trust you, and see if she is willing to talk more about this possible problem. In time she might overcome it, or at least get to a point where she can be more open about it with you, and with that will hopefully come understanding and better communication.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-10-29T11:02:24.387" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T11:02:24.387" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19603" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19607" CreationDate="2018-10-29T13:36:39.630" Score="11" ViewCount="1786" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are working in a open space, in France, for a &lt;em&gt;big&lt;/em&gt; company and there is this colleague that has been working here for 15 years that enjoy mocking everyone for everything. It seems that he just wants to be the &amp;quot;funny one&amp;quot; but sometimes people, including me, find that his comments cannot be classified as respectful jokes and are just harassment. He generally does this at the coffee break when there are a lot of people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Exemple&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This really happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Someone is wearing a pink shirt:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey what did we say about pink shirts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An African man is wearing a shirt with a shiny elephant on it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Dude, it is not the place to wear that. They are going to mock the whole service because you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have only been here for 2 months but I don't like being the one that does not act when something is wrong because some people clearly agreed with me about the fact that this dude can be just rude but people are scared because he has been there for a lot of time now and managers said &amp;quot;he is just stupid, deal with it&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I politely tell him that what he is doing should stop without hurting him and without becoming &amp;quot;the guy that has no sense of humor&amp;quot; knowing that my best chance to shut him down is when we are all getting coffee.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3837" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-11-25T14:03:22.247" Title="How can I politely tell a colleague that mocking someone's clothes in front of everyone is rude?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19604" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19603" CreationDate="2018-10-29T14:02:48.903" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, it is commendable that you want to help your colleagues and improve your work environment. Talking down to people because of their physical appearance is unprofessional in a lot of workplace environments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important to recognise that as you have no authority over him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He does not have to listen to you regardless of you telling him to change his style.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's possible that other people &lt;em&gt;genuinely&lt;/em&gt; don't mind the humor that much - so be certain you are actually speaking about a problem that exists.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This is generally not your problem to solve. You may at any stage escalate this to your boss or your HR department.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, if you do want to do this. I think it's important that the feedback is done in a way that does not violate your colleague's feeling of safety. I would tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In private and not in front of everyone. People are much less receptive to feedback given in front of a group because of group dynamics.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In a way that demonstrates you care about him and the workplace environment.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In a calm manner.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In an informal setting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In a way that focuses on objective measurable facts.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, I would suggest something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey X, can I buy you some &lt;em&gt;good&lt;/em&gt; coffee? There is something private I want to talk to you about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, when you are with him in a setting that is not the office without any other colleagues. Tell him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have noticed that there are often remarks in the office regarding the way people dress. I care a lot about our office culture and our team and I care about you - and it's apparent &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; also care quite a bit about our team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, approach the issue:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel very uneasy when jokes are made about other peoples' appearance in the workplace. People Y and Z are struggling with self image issues and it makes me feel uncomfortable when their looks are criticised. I really feel strongly about people feeling safe in the workplace. As a senior colleague in the workplace can I get your advice on this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This assumes that people Y and Z are &lt;em&gt;actually struggling with self image issues&lt;/em&gt;. Replace this with actual consequences of his actions as required.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that we are &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; criticising your colleague, we are not telling him to change his behaviour. We are simply explaining a problem to him and are asking for his advice. You can follow up with clarifying questions such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What do you think we can do so that people enjoy their time in the workplace better?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do you think we can approach this issue?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a senior colleague who has been here 15 years - what do you think can work well for this issue?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then listen to what he has to say. Do not presume the solution is for him to stop making jokes completely. It's possible you'll be able to understand the context better (you're there for 2 months) or for him to tone down or any one of a number of solutions for the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T14:02:48.903" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19605" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19603" CreationDate="2018-10-29T14:18:33.650" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say your colleagues agree with you that his comments are rude. You also say your managers have dismissed his behaviour and do not seem willing to act. This means that you will have to be careful about what you say because you won't have any backup from your managers if your attempt backfires and he gets offended. Also though, you may find that while colleagues may agree &lt;em&gt;in principle&lt;/em&gt; that he shouldn't say those things, you may find that once you speak up, some people will choose to &quot;stay out of it&quot;, and you may not get 100% backup from them either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Speaking privately to him will be the best thing. If you speak to him in front of others it will embarrass him and potentially divide the group into people who &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; support you and those that just back away because they don't want to be involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he hasn't said anything rude &lt;em&gt;to you&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;in front of you&lt;/em&gt; in very recent history, I would suggest you wait until it happens again. Firstly, because it may never happen again. If this does seem to have come to a head and colleagues are discussing it then it is possible someone else has had a word with him already. But secondly, if you take him to one side and raise something he said weeks ago, it will just seem like you are digging up something old to cause trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he says something rude, at the first opportunity discreetly ask to speak to him privately and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't think the remark you made earlier was very nice. It might be meant as humour but it comes accross as rude. I don't think you should make personal comments about people's appearance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't say too much or else he might become defensive. If he doesn't say too much, don't force anything out of him, just leave it with him to think about. See if his behaviour improves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he becomes defensive or argumentative; or if after speaking to him once he repeats the behaviour again, perhaps step your private word with him up a notch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The reason I'm giving you this advice is because it has been mentioned by a few people that your comments to people can be rude and personal. I'm trying to prevent you from overstepping the mark with what you say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This shows your intention is to help him. It plants the idea in his mind that this is a workplace, there are laws, and that if he isn't careful he could say somethign that gets him into trouble. But your managers don't seem like they would be interested unless what he said was &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; serious, so you really are not in a position to suggest a particular consequence to his actions. You will have to leave it with him beyond this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T14:18:33.650" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19606" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8900" CreationDate="2018-10-29T16:12:36.097" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been going through this problem for six months since my new neighbours moved in. I had a single guy living above me who worked out of the country for months at a time. So having a couple with a wife at home full time is an adjustment. I did try knocking on their door to introduce myself - but it seems we keep opposite schedules.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a night owl - she's an early riser. I don't even start work until 9 am while she was up at 5 am most mornings. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I left a friendly note introducing myself with my contact information and blaming the thin walls and ceilings for the noise. I also let them know some more info about the condo board, etc. Just to keep it friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that they would make noise in the morning and when they got home - constant walking and thumping. Our building is very old and not well insulated at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things got really good for a couple of months. But the past few mornings it was very loud even with ear plugs. So I emailed her to let her know. &#xA;Apparently they have done everything they can to reduce the noise. She had been working out in the morning. We exchanged schedules so she could work out later in the day. But even with a rug on the floor - the &quot;walking&quot; is unbearable most days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22743" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-29T16:19:30.100" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T16:19:30.100" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19607" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19603" CreationDate="2018-10-29T16:15:18.753" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m going to suggest something different from the other two answers currently posted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you take this colleague on one side to have a private discussion about this, you are relying entirely on your ability to persuade him that he is incorrect and that he should change his mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you raise the subject, (the subject being the acceptability of garments, not the Rude Colleague's opinion of the acceptability of garments) openly amongst the group you can play more on how willing he is to &lt;strong&gt;be seen&lt;/strong&gt; to be holding an unpopular opinion. Raising the general topic of acceptable shirts in the group allows it to be a wider ‘negotiation’ of the group norm rather than you 'standing up' for or against an individual person. Until this point the culture of the group seems to have been that he leads and they either follow or keep schtum. If you want to change the group culture, you will need to find a way to challenge that existing norm.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn’t mean you have to do it in a way that is likely to ostracise you if people don’t fall in with &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; view, and it almost certainly means you won’t be able to do it in a ‘one and dusted’ sort of way, changing culture, be it of one person or a group, can take time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like many an awkward workplace situation, addressing it &lt;em&gt;lightly&lt;/em&gt; can be the key. Rather than having a big confrontation or showdown where you  announce that you think he is out of line (you are specifically aiming to ‘bring him along’ rather than ‘take him down’), see if you can come up with a light-hearted seeming intervention which is open for others to jump into the conversation if they want. What that might be depends on you, your character, what your existing ‘banter’ with colleagues etc. is like, but if it was &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; office it might go something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Rude Colleague: Hey, what did we say about pink shirts?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Before the pink shirt wearer replies, I might jump in with a ‘Did we&#xA;  say they looked super cool and we all wished we looked so good in&#xA;  them?’ with a bright smile. I'd probably be addressing this at the group in general rather than RC in particular.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If RC (Rude Colleague) replies with something about pink shirts being&#xA;  effeminate or whatever his problem is with them, &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; might gently turn that back&#xA;  with a cheery statement negating it, ‘oh come on, who believes things&#xA;  like that anymore? Would you say that to [insert name of whoever would&#xA;  be the archetype of the opposite of whatever characteristic he&#xA;  alleges] if he was here wearing it? The shirt looks cool.’&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and then try to smoothly move the conversation on to a different topic, in a ‘but anyway, who saw Strictly Come Dancing at the weekend?’ Sort of way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The aim of this would be to, by way of gentle redirection of the conversation and perhaps a very low key chiding, show RC that he is out of step and that this isn't how people talk about other people's clothes any more, if they ever did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can expect to have to go through a similar routine whenever he starts complaining about people's clothes until one of you gives in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your other colleagues back you up, then RC receives a clear and united message that he is out of step. If no-one backs you up, don’t despair it might be that people will speak to you afterwards and that next time you try to derail RC from an insult they will be more supportive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It’s possible that you won’t get any support at all from colleagues, in which case your only recourse will be to take it up with management if you feel strongly enough about it &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; his behaviour is clearly in breach of some standard or guideline for behaviour in the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do speak to management about it and they are in fact perfectly relaxed about how people dress, perhaps see if they would be on board with something positive like having a 'Wear a Wacky Shirt day' to raise funds for a local charity and to show RC just how restrained the group's everyday shirts really are!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastEditorUserId="9837" LastEditDate="2018-10-30T14:59:14.797" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T14:59:14.797" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19609" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-29T16:28:13.953" Score="6" ViewCount="867" Body="&lt;p&gt;I’m asking this because today a girl, whom I like her very much, invited some of my classmates to a Halloween party, but not me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wished for long time to go to a party, because I never been to one before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to think and ask myself, “should I ask Ana to invite me to next party? No no, that’s stupid! That shows begging. Should I first become her friend and then be invited? No, I can’t ask her. Yes, it’s ok to ask. Aaah, it’s so difficult to decide…”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason for wishing to go to her party, is because I feel good in or with her company. I also think it could make our friendship closer, so that we can become best friends ever. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt; How can I ask her to invite me to the next party without intimidating her, or something like this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13918" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-10-29T16:48:20.330" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T16:13:40.977" Title="How to ask a girl from my class to invite me also for next party?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19610" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19595" CreationDate="2018-10-29T16:48:01.597" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having played my fair share of competitive online games I know the feeling of someone throwing all the blame on you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case you feel you were put in a situation where because Bob made a mistake and Alice was unable to cover for the mistake you weren't able to fulfill your role. It's unlikely that you will be able to convince Alice that you weren't at fault in the heat of the moment, even after some time Alice's pride will likely keep her from admitting any mistake on her part.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you made the right choice in choosing not to return their aggression or to shift it onto someone else. What you could have tried if you find yourself in a similar situation would be to communicate with your team mates what you think should have been done to give yourself the best chance at performing your role. This should be an open conversation where each person says what they think &lt;strong&gt;their&lt;/strong&gt; role is and how best they can support the team. Example:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As a fragile damage dealer I feel I can do my best work for the team when I am protected from their team's damage dealers, this means being careful when we push forward so I'm not flanked&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This conversation cannot happen though if your team mate is convinced that it was purely one person at fault though so chances are you couldn't really have done anything more with Alice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T16:48:01.597" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19611" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19582" CreationDate="2018-10-29T17:16:54.180" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think Benjamin's answer provides some great ideas how to handle these calls when they happen, I'd like to also present some ideas for how to handle these angry texts and phone calls after the fact.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships are all about communication of course, but sometimes we communicate in ways other people don't understand right away. Bringing these moments up later when you're both calm you can try to find a way forward that doesn't lead to upset feelings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can we talk about when we argued last week? I know you were upset about X but when you were texting I didn't know you were feeling Y. I really care about you and want to be able to help but since we don't see each other every day it helps me if you can tell me when you're feeling Y.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing this shows that you don't just want to fix a problem when something goes wrong but you want to support the way she's feeling, which can go a long way to helping overcome insecurities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T17:16:54.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19612" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19619" CreationDate="2018-10-29T17:54:41.820" Score="10" ViewCount="928" Body="&lt;p&gt;My friend recently texted me asking if she's mean to people and/or a bully, explaining to me that people at work told her she was. Unfortunately, she has a handful of negative characteristics and a generally rough personality. So, basically, yes, she tends to be rude to others and then plays the victim which furthers people's dislike for her. &quot;I don't know how drama finds me all the time, I never start anything!&quot; (exact words I've heard many times.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've stuck by her for many years, but I don't know how to respond. I've always avoided the question in the past (she's asked for &lt;em&gt;years&lt;/em&gt;) by giving her a half-hearted, round-about answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am afraid to lose her as a friend primarily because I am one of her only friends, but I need to tell her the truth. I'm positive she won't take it well (given other times of honesty), and she'll likely play the victim. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to present the honest information to her regarding her behavior towards others, without giving her the opportunity to turn it into victimization. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22744" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-10-29T21:13:09.653" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T21:45:10.840" Title="How do I tell my friend that she is, indeed, rude?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19613" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19620" CreationDate="2018-10-29T18:14:03.120" Score="11" ViewCount="2417" Body="&lt;p&gt;My partner and I hang out with another couple. We share many interests, have children of the same age, and are fairly compatible in many aspects. So all is fine for spending several hours together whenever we meet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that our female &lt;strong&gt;friend's tone is always &lt;em&gt;very loud&lt;/em&gt; (by anyone's standards)&lt;/strong&gt;. It affects us so much that we are actually meeting them less often than we would otherwise &lt;em&gt;because of this&lt;/em&gt;. After about an hour, we are both getting tired and I even get headaches. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am also concerned that the increased volume in her voice and somehow unawarely in everyone else's voice (it seems hard to keep a lower tone when she - and her partner, though to a lesser extent - speak(s) so loudly) is affecting our little child who is not otherwise exposed to this, since we are both fairly calm and quiet people and so are the other families we occasionally meet. We can sometimes notice that our child is more agitated and a lot more tired after meeting these friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I finally decided to try to do something about it last time we met, but without immediate results. This is what I tried:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell her (twice) jokingly: &quot;We can all hear well in this room, no reason to speak so loudly&quot;. Her reply was: &quot;But this is my normal tone of voice&quot; (which I already knew).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Occasionally whisper, in particular when addressing my own child. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: &lt;strong&gt;how can we go about it such that she is not offended &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; she stops being so loud?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22745" LastEditorUserId="22745" LastEditDate="2018-10-30T19:16:37.760" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T07:49:43.933" Title="How to tell a friend that she is too loud when she speaks without offending?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19614" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19612" CreationDate="2018-10-29T19:11:33.037" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having been in situations where the person asks for one thing but is clearly hoping to justify their own position/feeling that is contrary to your opinion in most cases I would choose as well to avoid the issue. If you do choose to voice your contrary opinion I found choosing one situation in particular and focusing the criticism on that. Don't say they were wrong, as this is directly challenging their belief about themselves, but lead them to understand that by trying to point out that there may be other ways their actions could be seen. Here you can take as soft or harsh a tone as you like in trying to lead them through the situation and will impact how much they take out of the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately having not had to employ this technique recently I can't recall the situation leading to me using it last. I do remember that while they were a little disappointed with the answer I think it's a bit inevitable challenging someone's belief like this instead of avoiding their question. After some discussion about the situation though they were less disappointed and perhaps a bit more mindful of their behavior in that situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastEditorUserId="17872" LastEditDate="2018-10-29T21:45:10.840" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T21:45:10.840" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19615" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-29T19:28:33.353" Score="9" ViewCount="3866" Body="&lt;p&gt;When visiting my girlfriend's family, my girlfriend and I will usually wind up on a couch with the typical light-cuddling of a couple in a room with other people--legs across the other's lap, leaning on each other, arms around shoulders, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thing is, she and her sister also tend to do that stuff when the two of them are on a couch together. When that happens, I don't presume to join them. I don't want to make her sister uncomfortable. But when my girlfriend and I are like that already on the couch, her sister has no problem with hopping in and making it a cuddle pile.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, even though she made it this way, the sister seems somewhat uncomfortable with her and I touching anywhere and seems really uncomfortable whenever I move in any way that changes how we are touching even slightly--even if I'm moving away from her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want her to do this if she's gonna be uncomfortable and thereby make me uncomfortable. I also don't want to 'lose territory' on my SO to her, like when I have my arm around my SO, and have to take it off to do something for a second, and then when I go to put it back, her sister's arm is now there, and her body language is not inviting our arms to both be there. I don't like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I effectively talk to her sister about this?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to set boundaries so that we don't have to be uncomfortable with each other. How do I open this discussion? I don't want to creep her out obviously and I want to emphasize that I'm not trying to cuddle her, I just feel uncomfortable, but like not because I'd feel uncomfortable with us touching, but because I dunno how she feels. How can we have a conversation about this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13953" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-29T20:59:03.060" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T14:00:42.470" Title="Confronting my girlfriend's sister about trying to cuddle with us" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19618" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19595" CreationDate="2018-10-29T20:36:04.740" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The core mistake you made, as I see things, is hiding information in order to spare Bob's feelings when neither was necessary. &lt;strong&gt;You could have explained what had actually happened.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds as if your group had a well-honed strategy, which failed due to a very understandable reason (Bob was new, and made a mistake, which happens). You, recognizing what happened and understanding what remedies were available, relayed the necessary information to someone that was uniquely able to help (though without enough time to explain why her help was needed). When the match was lost, instead of bringing to the team information on what happened so that it could be avoided in the future, you buried that information under a non-specific apology. You also assumed responsibility for what happened, in which case the blame and consequences really would belong to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This group sounds like a not-great one, but even a good competitive team is not a self-esteem club. People on the team have tasks in competitions, and they are expected to have the skills needed to deliver. When they &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; deliver because &lt;strong&gt;don't have&lt;/strong&gt; those skills, then that's something the team needs to address. After all, if Bob were going to stay on the team he would need to know what he did wrong so that he could become a better team member.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There was no reason that you needed to humiliate Bob (though, with the wrong mix of people, it may not have been possible for him to avoid humiliation whether due to you or not). You could have calmly recounted the critical moment in the game, explained what you saw and its relevance to the strategy, explained that no one could possibly have compensated except for Alice, and then when the mistake went uncorrected the match was lost. That might have produced more discussion and new ideas on how to handle urgent, in-match communication, pointed Bob to what he needed to improve in that role, or fallback strategies, or any number of other things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But instead, the team got none of that information and you took responsibility for the mistake. So now the team is under misapprehensions: that you were a worse player and team member than was in fact the case, and that Bob can handle the role, with no opportunity to improve the actual issues that came up in the match. I probably wouldn't have kicked you from the team, but I would not be pleased by this if I were one of your former teammates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The team deserved to know what happened so that it could improve, and Bob deserved to know what happened so that &lt;em&gt;he&lt;/em&gt; could improve. Bob being a part of the conversation should have been a good thing. If the group was so toxic that they were always going to attack &lt;em&gt;someone&lt;/em&gt; then there would be nothing you could do to prevent that after a loss due to an objective mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T20:36:04.740" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19619" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19612" CreationDate="2018-10-29T20:54:42.917" Score="9" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Your secret weapon: potential form&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what I would say if I were in a similar situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly? Yeah, you &lt;strong&gt;can be&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Critical portion bolded. If your friend is determined to play the victim, there isn't going to be much you can do to prevent her from doing so. But saying that she has &lt;em&gt;demonstrated&lt;/em&gt; the &lt;em&gt;capacity&lt;/em&gt; to be mean and a bully accomplishes a few things for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, it elides a lot of the victim mentality. You're not passing judgment on her as a complete person, you're pointing out that you've seen her act that way and so yeah, you can see how someone might form that impression of her. By shifting the discussion away from things she fundamentally &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; you can instead talk about things that she &lt;em&gt;has done&lt;/em&gt;. If she wants to try explaining those things away that's her business, but laying out things that 1) definitely happened, and 2) people perceive as mean and/or bullying behavior makes it clear that it's not about people ganging up on her-- it's about how she acts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, if your friend is only looking for validation of her behavior (as suggested in another answer), this lets her feel some of that without allowing her to just dodge the issue. She isn't fundamentally a bully all the time (perhaps; I don't know her), and some people might truly be unfairly critical of her. But talking about specific events brushes all of that aside. However many unfair situations there might have been, those specific examples are not among them. You'll have something specific to talk &lt;em&gt;about&lt;/em&gt;, not a pile of subjective opinions informing your impression of her overall character based around all the things you recall her ever having done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, if your friend is legitimately unhappy with those issues being fair descriptions of her, this framing makes it easier to see a path forward. &amp;quot;You are mean and a bully&amp;quot; sounds like she has to start changing fundamental, deep flaws within herself, which is a big goal. &amp;quot;You can be a bit mean and bully-ish sometimes&amp;quot; sounds like those negative traits are real but just a small part of herself as a person, and she's already got plenty of better behavior to expand upon. It's a much more manageable goal, and identifying situations where those qualities tend to come out can help her improve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-29T20:54:42.917" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19620" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19613" CreationDate="2018-10-29T21:55:35.217" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a loud person and I always have a hard time regulating my tone of voice, especially if I'm talking about something I care about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During my life, a lot of people have told me I was too loud and, most of the time, I didn't take it well. I was talking about something important to me and all they cared about was the fact that I was too loud. For me, it was like they didn't care about what I was saying. Even worse, it was like they were asking me to stop talking. Every time someone said something like this to me, I lost a little of my self-confidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what I would suggest doing is the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do not, never ever, interrupt her to ask her to tone it down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to talk about it in a private setting where there are as few people involved as possible (ideally, just you and her). I know I feel ashamed every time someone tells me I'm too loud, and it's even worse when there are other people to witness it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Try to introduce the topic in a neutral way. Also, don't make it about her being too loud but about you being too sensitive. This way you are shifting the blame so that she won't feel attacked by you. Maybe you can say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have noticed that you tend to speak in a loud way. Unfortunately, I'm very sensitive to sound and easily get headaches. Do you think it would be possible for you to speak more quietly? I know it's a lot to ask and it's hard to change the way you talk, but you would really be doing me a huge favor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If she agrees to try to keep her voice down and a situation arrives where you want to remind her to speak more quietly (because she forgot), I would suggest using hand signals. It's way less intrusive and, this way, you don't need to interrupt her. Also, if there are other people present, it's more discreet and respectful (and less shaming/infantilizing).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I would advise avoiding telling her too often that she is too loud (even if it's just by hand signals). I don't know your friend, but I will certainly be hurt if someone keeps telling me I'm too loud (and would see it as them not wanting me to talk).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T23:41:42.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19622" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19615" CreationDate="2018-10-30T00:23:12.040" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;You and the sister of your girlfriend belong to different world. Her world is her family world. Your world is with your girlfriend. The meeting point of these 2 worlds is your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, if you try to reach the sister of your girlfriend directly, this will be at best awkward. You may need to involve your girlfriend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would talk to my girlfriend about all of this. Then it will mostly depend on the opinion of your girlfriend on the problem. She will set the boundaries (or not..) accordingly with her sister. And that will be infinitely more efficient than if you try to set the boundary directly with her sister, who might take it defensively, or jealously, or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17897" LastEditorUserId="17897" LastEditDate="2018-10-30T12:57:40.687" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T12:57:40.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19624" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19628" CreationDate="2018-10-30T10:37:41.847" Score="6" ViewCount="602" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually drive my girlfriend to work on Mondays because the nearest car park is just over a mile away (although when the weather is nice she does enjoy the walk). On this occasion I suggested she drive as the weather was nice, forgetting she had to carry quite a bit to work and it would make it difficult. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of just reminding me about the stuff she has to carry, she overreacted saying things like &quot;don't bother then if you don't want to take me to work&quot; and &quot;you think it's ok to make me walk that far with all this stuff&quot;. Immediately I said my bad and that of course I would take her in, as I do most Mondays. But she carried on and demanded I give her the car keys over and over because she wouldn't accept it was an honest mistake. I got frustrated and told her she was being a child and walked off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, later we are not speaking. I said I am sorry I called her a child but I felt she was attacking me. She could have just reminded about the stuff and I would have taken her in no problem. Her reply is that you can't say &quot;Sorry, but&quot; because I have retracted the apology. This to me feels like saying sorry means I accept 100% of the blame, which I refute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have made it clear and apologized, but I would like to tell her that even though I expect an apology, my own apology still stands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22753" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-30T13:35:16.740" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T15:56:41.910" Title="How to apologize but also signal that you are also owed an apology?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19625" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19615" CreationDate="2018-10-30T12:00:20.020" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't have to confront her&lt;/strong&gt;, you need to show your girlfriend's sister you aren't an invader and/or a threat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Your problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's start with the &quot;When visiting my girlfriend's family&quot;. This is an important point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your girlfriend and her sister are in their safe family zone, in which you have been trusted enough to be invited. Even more, your question suggests that physical closeness with your girlfriend in her family presence is &lt;strong&gt;totally acceptable&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to consider that each individual of this family has a point of view on you and your behaviour, and &lt;strong&gt;will act accordingly&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that your girlfriend's sister could see your actions during these family events as partly intrusive, and her behaviour could be translated like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am here too&lt;/strong&gt;, please don't forget my existence&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I feel like I need to defend &lt;strong&gt;closeness&lt;/strong&gt; to my sister&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also means, other members (possibly parents) of your girlfriend's family could have a link to this situation, either directly or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a family outsider, you have very little to none possibilities to counterweight these influence efficiently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, your relation to your girlfriend's sister is &lt;strong&gt;very likely the key here&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Improving this relation, will be rewarding and showing of your care towards your girlfriend and her family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Possible Solutions&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;- Without girlfriend's influence :&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1- &lt;strong&gt;Try to know who she is, and what she likes&lt;/strong&gt;. Speak to her of unrelated subject and show interest in her person, this will reduce the possible tense between the both of you and start a link. If this is already the case, maintain and improve that link.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will improve the image she has of you, and could destroy the possible &quot;competition&quot; here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2- &lt;strong&gt;Give her space to cuddle&lt;/strong&gt;. Make sure she understand you will never be in the way if she wants to feel close to her sister. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these family events, your girlfriend's sister should be able to cuddle her sister if both of them want it. Let them decide what kind of behaviour they enjoy in this new configuration. Your girlfriend will send you hints on how and when she would like you interact with her, or with her sister. In this way you possibly get her to help you without asking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3- Take the time to &lt;strong&gt;discuss about this with her sister&lt;/strong&gt; (&lt;em&gt;risky in my opinion&lt;/em&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT Why its risky:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;Confront her directly makes this situation real, and is likely to create conflicts. On the other hand, if you try to deal with it by showing a different attitude, you can make this problem disappear and create a healthy relation with her sister in the meantime.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find a good moment to have this discussion when you can have a quick discussion during a few minutes without being interrupted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can see you and 'GF' are pretty close, that's really nice! She's&#xA;  lucky to have you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imply the fact that you are okay with this, and you want her and your girlfriend happiness. She'll also know you recognize her positive impact.&#xA;Then slightly indicate that you want to &lt;strong&gt;find your place&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I enjoy those moments with your family, I hope you don't mind if we cuddle sometime..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick is to state that you want to be on her side, without showing as a threat. &lt;strong&gt;You're here&lt;/strong&gt;. But you're &lt;strong&gt;not imposing yourself&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are no safe way of doing it : &lt;strong&gt;you will expose yourself.&lt;/strong&gt; So pick the best/positive side: your girlfriend/her sister. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could  add a family or personnal story of your own to help her empathize with your situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;- With girlfriend's influence :&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4 - Tell your girlfriend you think this is something about this and ask her how you should do it. The fact that you ask, will probably give you at least hints, or even make her act on it in a way she decides. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;5 - ask your girlfriend about her sister. Try to know her, show interest in her. Ask her to organize a meeting with the three of you. It would be even better with her boyfriend and/or friends. Be very specific on the interest you have in her, you just want to know her better and nothing more. &lt;strong&gt;This behaviour might create tension&lt;/strong&gt; between all people involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My experience&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I use to spend a lot of time at my girlfriends family house during the summer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She had both a little brother and sister. The age gap may be a difference here, but I had a very similar issue with her little sister. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I applied both first solutions and it worked really well. I actually had a really enjoyable relation with the little sister afterwards as we both started to like each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Little tips&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't underestimate your body language. Cuddle your girlfriend in front of her family is not totally harmless. It can imply a lot to her family and feel particular to some of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;keep in mind this might be some sort of group response, and not only the fact that her sister just want to cuddle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22642" LastEditorDisplayName="user22642" LastEditDate="2018-10-30T14:00:42.470" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T14:00:42.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19626" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19638" CreationDate="2018-10-30T14:24:50.323" Score="12" ViewCount="1179" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend, let's call him Jack, who likes to debate and who takes any chance to try and turn the topic of a conversation into the one he prefers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time it happened, I had posted a news on Facebook about a new Trump measure against trans people (I am trans). Jack took this opportunity to bring up his favourite subject for the past years: the way feminism is mistreating men by making unfair laws or by supressing the presumption of innocence. While I agree with him in most of his views about this matter, it is getting increasingly annoying having him always redirect every topic to the same stuff. In this particular case, he not only found a way to link the news with feminism, but also stated that this trans discrimination wasn't as bad as the one he is suffering for being a man, which further irritated me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My strategy on this occasion (I usually just let it be) was first agreeing with him on his complaints and then trying to redirect the debate again to the trans issues with the only outcome of him going on about how unfairly men are treated and that they are second class citizens, then about how this is much worse than what is happening to the trans community. I got mad at him at this point and ended up being more aggressive than I intended.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to know if there is an efficient way to let him know that he is showing no regard to the current topic of conversation when this kind of situation happens. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think I should add that he is not very skilled at social interactions - for example, he can go on a monologue for hours not allowing the other person to speak; he also doesn't seem to notice when his interlocutor gets bored of listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22124" LastEditorDisplayName="user22124" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T05:41:27.523" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T01:09:05.633" Title="How to avoid having always the same debates with a friend of mine?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19627" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19626" CreationDate="2018-10-30T15:03:18.630" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;One of the people in my group of friends has some strong religious beliefs which has often led to us clashing on issues and led to some very explosive arguments in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nowadays when the topic of conversation starts leading into one of those arguments I go; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'Oh not this again'   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And immediately change the subject to something else. If the issue is pressed I just say;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'We've been over this lets not go through it again'.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally I find the best method is just shutting down the topic completely, leading into it and giving them some concessions will just encourage them to talk about it more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18317" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T15:03:18.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19628" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19624" CreationDate="2018-10-30T15:08:11.173" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't link the two apologies together.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Both did something wrong, and both need to apologize, but seperately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you apologize for something, either you mean it or you don't. And saying &quot;I'm sorry for X, but you did Y!&quot; is surely not coming across as though you are really sorry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take full responsibility and apologize for what you did wrong. Do not mention her wrongdoings at all, as if they had nothing to do with each other. You overreacted and it seems you truly are sorry for that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that your misbehaving is apologized for, it is up to her to realize that she too has wronged you. Before that point, many people go into defensive, just as your girlfriend did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And as for signalling to her that you expect an apology too:&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You don't need to actively signal her anything. Such a signal would mean to her that your apology was insincere. It would be a similar situation as if you said &quot;I'm sorry, but ...&quot;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just let it be, let your grumpy mood be indicator enough that something's up, and let her apologize in her own time. If she doesn't do so in a reasonable timeframe, sit down and have a serious discussion about it when both of you are free of stress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T15:08:11.173" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19629" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19626" CreationDate="2018-10-30T15:09:05.120" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A good friend is the one who tells you when you have mustard stuck in your beard. I have a friend, let's call her Barbie - she really likes to talk about people that I have never personally met and there is 100% chance will never meet, so I have no interest at all what those people ate in dinner and so on. It annoyed me right away when I first met Barbie, then I realized, it was all Barbie knew. Those people were important to her, plus I could not at all for the life of me change the topic. She will come right back to telling me how so-and-so hates eating rice. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is you do try to listen what your friend is saying. After all, the things they talk about are important to them. Other times, you try to redirect the conversation to something that is common to both of you and that will require both of you to share your thoughts, instead of just one person. Remember, common grounds are interesting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now what you can do is not directly &quot;tell&quot; him (if you don't want to hurt his feelings), but try to point out some social interaction manners while mentioning other people or topics and things. Like casually say how two people can have better discussions when both of them are given the chance to express their views and perspectives and both can equally share. That is when it can be called a discussion. Otherwise, it's a lecture - and a boring and frustrating one, because you don't agree with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will help him interacting with other people too. Be polite but firm, and do mention that even as a friend, sometimes how he directs the discussion to one specific matter just makes you want to shut up and just agree. But not everyone is a friend, and small disagreements can turn into big fights. If you are respectful and polite and convey your concerns in the best way humanly possible, not sounding like a person correcting his mistakes but as a friend trying to help or be there for him, it will surely get to him or at least make him rethink his approach. Best of luck.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22492" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-03T01:09:05.633" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T01:09:05.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19630" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-30T15:32:29.747" Score="13" ViewCount="1512" Body="&lt;p&gt;My wife and I are struggling with a situation involving her sister.  Let's call her Suzy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suzy is an alcoholic/drug addict and is in a relationship with another alcoholic and physically abusive man, and has what we would classify as anger issues.  She is very easily irritated, and becomes irrationally angry at whomever she perceives as the source of her anger. She is seeing a therapist to address the underlying issue but has made it clear she has no desire to stop drinking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently Suzy has began expressing interest in taking our 3 year old child places, such as libraries, shows, movies, and to her own house for a sleep over party.  We are fine with Suzy visiting, where things are monitored, but we are not open to Suzy taking our son alone with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife loves her sister, but is struggling to find a gentle way to tell Suzy that she may not take our son due to the above reasons.  She does not wish to destroy her relationship with her sister, but has found herself avoiding Suzy to avoid this subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've suggested to my wife that she &amp;quot;blame&amp;quot; me -- and tell Suzy that I am the one putting my foot down on this, but she doesn't want Suzy to hate me either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We wish to tell Suzy we are fine with visits at our home, but we are not okay with her removing our son from our home alone -- without damaging the sisters relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can we get this message across to Suzy without causing even more problems?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Update&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife had her chat with Suzy about our concerns using &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19633/11811&quot;&gt;dbeer's approach&lt;/a&gt; (honest and up-front, but no blame), and part from &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19634/11811&quot;&gt;Francine's answer&lt;/a&gt; (history of bad decisions); and to our complete and utter bewilderment, there was zero confrontation. They have agreed they will go out together with our son until such time we deem she is fit to supervise him alone. Thank you!!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22754" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-07T09:42:27.763" Title="How to tell a family member they are not to have unsupervised time with your child" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19631" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19626" CreationDate="2018-10-30T15:41:48.617" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Trying to share your point of view with a stubborn friend can be really hard and frustrating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Firstly, I would aswell go for &lt;strong&gt;basic diversion&lt;/strong&gt; :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's talk about something else please, I'm not in the mood for this kind of discussion&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell me, have you heard about this X unrelated thing??&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then when his temper is cooler, &lt;strong&gt;give him strong hints&lt;/strong&gt; about his current behaviour during debates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know this point of view is really important to you and you feel like you need to defend it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if you don't listen to people, how do you expect them to do the same?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him this simple rule : People might not care about you if you don't have interest toward them!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This could lead to a long discussion about his social behaviour and you can help him get better tools to &lt;strong&gt;spot other people's reactions properly&lt;/strong&gt; (make sure he doesnt make a digression and focus about his behaviour).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, Jack seem to &lt;strong&gt;be hurts&lt;/strong&gt; or have &lt;strong&gt;a fixation&lt;/strong&gt; on that particular subject. Trying to find out (with him) why he is so into this and helping him get over it would probably unlock his opinion on it and stop the focus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22642" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user22642" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T16:22:47.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19632" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19624" CreationDate="2018-10-30T15:56:41.910" Score="-3" Body="&lt;p&gt;You could just get straight to the point. &quot;I overreacted, and will be happy to apologize for that, but only if you also apologize for...&quot;. It does make the apology less sincere if you do it conditionally, but I believe that is ok because the circumstances also make the offense less severe.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There may be more behind it though. Your girlfriends reaction was quite severe under the circumstances. Maybe she sees a pattern, and is reacting to that rather than just this incident. It may be useful to try to find out if that is the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8064" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T15:56:41.910" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19633" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19630" CreationDate="2018-10-30T16:05:19.843" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are a lot of judgement calls here, and it's a really difficult situation. If Suzy is getting her life together, and it's possible that you'll be willing to allow her to have unsupervised time with your son in the future, you might try making excuses for why one of you has to be with her each time one of these outings is proposed. It's likely that Suzy could use the bonding time with her sister, and that she'd enjoy spending time with your son and wife at the same time; it's definitely fun to have another adult around when you're hanging out with a kid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is a fairly permanent situation where she isn't going to be allowed to be alone with your son for an extended period of time, then honesty and boundaries are your friend, but it is going to be a &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; touchy situation. My advice would to be to carefully select language when describing the boundaries to not be specific to Suzy, but to alcohol, drugs, and the problems they present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We are not comfortable being away from our son if he's going to be in a place where some people might be drinking or doing drugs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People who drink might not like it, but it may be easier to swallow than &quot;we don't trust you and your boyfriend because you drink too much / do drugs.&quot; There are obvious sticking points here. Suzy will probably say: what if I promise not to drink? She may become hostile with this line of questioning as well. You will have to explain that her boyfriend might, or friends that come over might, etc. and that it just makes you uncomfortable. Suzy may tell you that she feels judged or anything else, but you should just stress that as a parent you have to feel comfortable with where your kids are, and that even small risks can produce massive anxiety. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, it's pretty likely that Suzy will take some offense at this, but you are making the right decision based on what you've said, and if you carefully explain that it's not about her, it's the situations around her, then hopefully she will understand and respect your rights as parents to manage what situations your son is in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've suggested to my wife that she &quot;blame&quot; me -- and tell Suzy that I am the one putting my foot down on this, but she doesn't want Suzy to hate me either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think this is a good idea. People overestimate their ability to lie convincingly as a rule, and Suzy would probably see it for what it is. Setting boundaries you are both comfortable with is a better bet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastEditorUserId="12085" LastEditDate="2018-11-02T13:41:17.233" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T13:41:17.233" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19634" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19630" CreationDate="2018-10-30T16:45:38.160" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Kudos to you for trying to help your wife with her sister in such an unselfish way.  But this would probably only lead Suzy encourage your wife to &quot;defy&quot; or &quot;sneak around&quot; you, and when the truth finally comes out it will be ten times worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be able to put off a confrontation for a while by telling Suzy that, as your son is so young, you aren't comfortable letting him be alone without you.  Then simply don't volunteer the information if you choose to have a sitter over (she may volunteer to sit).  If she is at all perceptive, this may subconsciously prepare her for hearing the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But eventually you are going to have to directly discuss the situation with your sister-in-law.  Even if she leaves her abusive boyfriend, odds are that the next man she chooses to have a relationship with will abuse her as well, and unless she kicks her habits you can't safely trust your son to her care.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you finally decide that it is time to bring things out into the open, there are a couple of ways you can go with the discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could shoulder the burden for your wife and let Suzy know that you do not feel safe allowing her to be alone with your son, because of her history of making bad decisions.  Your wife could be sitting there, making it clear that she supports &quot;your&quot; decision.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could do the reverse and sit there in support of your wife while she tells Suzy of &quot;her&quot; decision.  It depends on how strong your wife is feeling, and whether she thinks she will be able to stand firm during the confrontation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you could approach it as a couple.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way, the important thing is to show Suzy that you care for her, and that you want to support her, but that your son's welfare needs to come first.  Tell her that you don't want to take the chance that she lose her temper and either harm your son or ruin her chance for having a good relationship with him.  An adult's temper is a frightening thing to a child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit down with your wife and plan just what you are going to say and maybe even do a dry run rehearsal (it sounds like overkill and may feel a bit uncomfortable, but believe me, it does help you when the time comes).  Don't bring it up out of the blue; plan on sitting down to have the discussion when she is asking to take your son on an outing and being pushy or insistent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do it this way, it may feel less confrontational, and she hopefully won't feel ambushed or attacked.  It can feel like a natural consequence of her actions, and make it clear that you had hoped you wouldn't have to bring the subject up at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She may react with anger and storm out, but as long as both of you can keep control of your own emotions (you may both have to play the &quot;grown up&quot; to her inner child) you leave the relationship intact.  &quot;We are sorry that you feel that way.  Even if you are angry, we are family and we hope that you will come to understand how important that is to us&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; allow this confrontation to happen if the boyfriend is around, or is likely to show up.  Tell whatever white lies you have to in order to not confront him.  Hopefully she knows not to bring him around.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might even consider, the day after the discussion, especially if it turned out badly,  dropping a little card in the mail saying something like &quot;I'm sorry we had a disagreement and I hope you know that you are still welcome in our family&quot;.  This gives her something tangible to hold on to until after the anger and the hurt have died down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1761" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T16:45:38.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19635" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19609" CreationDate="2018-10-30T16:53:55.413" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you're hoping to have a relationship, you have to let things happen naturally. Asking someone to invite you to a party is an interaction that would feel forced to most people, and I would recommend against anything similar to asking for an invitation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The more natural way to approach this is to attempt to have the kind of relationship where you might get invited to a party or to just hang out. It sounds like you have a casual relationship with her, so you could ask her how the party went and mention that it sounds like fun to show some interest. Obviously, if you found out about the party in an abnormal or embarrassing way, then don't ask her about the party, but if you heard about it normally then it's fine to bring up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to address something I saw in the comments:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;But I don’t think I have done something evil to her that I deserve not to be invited.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships and misunderstandings are something the internet currently refers to as an iconic duo. This is even more true for relationships that can become romantic. Communication is hard to begin with, and my advice is try to be honest and open, and to not assign meanings to things without evidence. For example, not being invited to a potential romantic interest's party can mean that she has picked up on your interest and doesn't share it, but it can also mean she doesn't want to make the first move. It could also mean that she isn't sure about her romantic interest and doesn't want you to think an invite to a party is her declaring interest in you. Don't pressure things and try to keep everything in proportion and you'll figure it out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastEditorUserId="12085" LastEditDate="2018-10-30T18:35:26.330" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T18:35:26.330" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19636" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19609" CreationDate="2018-10-30T18:21:10.993" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you have a friend who is already invited to the party you can ask him to ask her if you can be invited. Many party organizers are open to let their guests have their own guests. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Who should you ask and how?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are multiple persons in your class who are invited, you don't want to ask more than two of these persons (ideally one), because you don't want to be &quot;that guy&quot; who asked everyone to be invited. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ideally you'd choose someone who is: one of your close friends and one of her friends. When asking, I would not mention the fact that you want to get closer to the girl. People gossip a lot, and if she learns it that way, that could lead to an awkward situation you want to avoid. Also if it happens that someone else has views on the girl, he could try to prevent you from attending the party. Just say you'd really like to party on Halloween but you have nothing planned yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be prepared for a refusal from either your friend (maybe he doesn't feel very close to this girl and wouldn't dare asking her this favor), or from the girl, it's her party, you are asking quite late and maybe everything is set up for a fixed number of persons and adding more would disturb the organization. Or maybe she invited only her close friends, etc. etc. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've thrown quite a lot of (small) parties, and there are some in which I had no problem telling my guests they could invite who they wanted (but I always validate first to be sure my place is not going to be too crowded, or set up a limit for invitations). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And in some other occasions I only invited my closest friends and told them they couldn't invite anyone else because I wanted to see them and only them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So even if you face a refusal, do not take it the wrong way, there might be a lot of reasons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22758" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T16:13:40.977" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T16:13:40.977" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19637" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-30T18:28:33.937" Score="4" ViewCount="525" Body="&lt;p&gt;An acquaintance needs to find a decent-paying job in her field, because she and her husband have no savings and her husband has a life expectancy of around two years. She is 50 and they have two teenagers. The family has expenses of $60K/year, but he earns less than that so has been getting money from me and friends. I don't have enough money to support the family after he dies. She had a well-paying job in the human resources field up until she got married and moved out of the city.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She doesn't drive (she has taken the driver test and failed), and there are no relevant jobs near her house. (There are retail jobs nearby, but she says the sidewalks are dangerously icy in the winter. This also prevents her from getting to a bus stop.) She doesn't want to use a taxi or Uber or Lyft. As she puts it, &quot;I won't get into a stranger's car&quot;. No examples were offered about issues getting into taxis in the past.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I talk to her about these fears, and encourage her to step outside her comfort zone so she can get a job?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22756" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-01T01:47:39.243" LastActivityDate="2018-11-01T13:33:37.287" Title="How to calm a person's fears about using a taxi to find and travel to work?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19638" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19626" CreationDate="2018-10-30T21:10:45.050" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;but also stated that this trans discrimination wasn't as bad as the one he is suffering for being a man&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To put it as gently as I can... And I had to write and rewrite this a few times to be this gentle... It sounds like your friend needs a hard reality check. While men's rights activists do have a handful of somewhat legitimate gripes, stretching that into anti-feminism and having the gall to claim that he faces more discrimination than trans folks is just, well, blatantly untrue. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand the feeling of losing priviledge. One of the harder things about coming out, was reckoning with losing my own straight white male priviledge. And I strongly suspect that that's a driving force for your friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How dare you think you can treat us like we've treated you for the previous hundreds of years!!!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But he seem to be missing the fact that others gaining rights isn't really taking rights from him. The playing field is just slowly, &lt;strong&gt;painfully slowly&lt;/strong&gt;, becoming &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;a little&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; more level and  he's not used to that. So it may feel like oppression, but it certainly isn't as if he's being denied jobs, housing, healthcare, safe bathroom use, or being re-defined out of existence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If no one in his life is challenging his warped perception, you can and probably should. It may make for a rough conversation, he may not want to hear it, but it's still &lt;strong&gt;the right thing to do.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be your own advocate. Don't allow him to talk over you or redirect the conversation down the red pill rabbit hole. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When he starts in, be blunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I was talking about something that really impacts my life. I've shown your issues and causes respect and listened to you about them at great length, over and over again. &lt;strong&gt;It's my turn to speak.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-10-30T21:10:45.050" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19639" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19637" CreationDate="2018-10-30T23:17:31.130" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR: Listen to your friend and understand their situation, and propose solutions. If the friend refuses all the solutions you both have thought of, change the topic and remind them that it's not efficient to spend more time on something they're not willing to change.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: I do not know the entirety of the situation, so I am making a few assumptions here, correct me if I am wrong. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Assumption: You have talked to this person before about helping them get a job, hence the response you got about the fact they won't get into a car with a stranger.&lt;/em&gt; &#xA;In this case, you are basically asking them to step out of their comfort zone, which can be tough. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest writing a short letter to the person explaining:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why you want to help them get a job&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why you think a job would benefit them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why you feel that the person can succeed in the job&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Why the person can get past the roadblocks of transportation and figure out how to get to the job- give them solutions, like you have tried before. Other solutions might be carpooling, or trying the taxi with you for the first few times (if you can manage it)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also think it's important to be encouraging when interacting with them, but &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt; (we're only human, we can make mistakes) to make sure that what you say isn't pressuring your friend more than they can handle. (For example, if your friend refuses to talk about taxis, don't push them into trying a taxi with you if they absolutely cannot stand it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After sending or giving the letter or note to your friend, let them have time to think about it. (This can be anywhere between a few hours to a week or two, it depends on the relationship between you both, which I don't know)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they bring up complaints of wanting a job and not having transportation, you can refer back to the note, and say something like &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was wondering what on this note isn't working for you? Let's talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you give me any examples of why you absolutely cannot do these transportation options? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are some solutions that could be implemented by changing only a little thing? What little things can or can't be changed? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What are some solutions that could be implemented by changing a big thing? What big things can or can't be changed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The questions here are guidance questions for helping you and your friend figure out what options might be best for you both. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend refuses to change anything, you can say that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Okay, I'm glad we had this talk, if you do not wish to change anything, you can refer back to this conversation and think about the options we discussed and any changes that could take place. When you are ready to make any changes in these approaches, let me know. Otherwise, we will be rehashing the same thing over and over. I would rather help you [do something else] (maybe job or hobby related) for the time being to keep spirits up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they approach this conversation again, let them know you have discussed it before, and you're ready to help when they are ready to change something. If they want to gain attention for that one thing, ignore it. It helps them realize that &lt;strong&gt;the only one to make any changes in their life is themselves, not others&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T02:16:25.300" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T02:16:25.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19640" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-31T02:46:50.560" Score="8" ViewCount="1605" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently I was invited to a co-ed indoor soccer game where all the participants were people from my company. At the time I didn't really know any of the other players personally and most of them I'd never met before because none of them worked in my building. I was made to believe ahead of time that it was to be a low-key and very casual soccer game, but all the other players--including the three female players that participated—were exceptionally good. I kick the ball around for practice on occasion, but I hadn't played in a soccer game in over 10 years. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things were going along okay at first, but I got tired fairly quick. About halfway through the session my legs/body were becoming fairly sluggish and I was stumbling and losing my balance often. That's when it happened: when trying to pass the ball I tripped and fell into one of the female players. My hand was out in front of me and I touched the player's chest with my open palm. This was bad enough, but I was off balance and I kept falling towards her while at the same time she was moving backward to get away from me so my hand seemed to stay on her body. It was probably a split second but it seemed like an eternity. Eventually I just fell on the ground. Needless to say, I felt extremely awkward but I tried to act as if nothing had happened. I was also really, really tired. Positions on the field were not really set, and so half unconsciously and half intentionally I migrated to the side of the field that she was not playing. This means that that for the remainder of the game we were on totally opposite sides (I had been playing left defender but my right foot is stronger than my left, and I to be honest had wanted to move to the right field anyways). For the last segment of the game my left shin muscle started to spasm and I had to leave the game. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few more details: I did not touch the player on purpose, and I am not the sort of person to do that kind of thing. I was wearing contacts for the game, but the contacts were a weaker prescription because I normally wear glasses. So my vision was not the best. I could not see if all the other players noticed what had happened, and if they did they did not make it known to me. I could not see the female player's expression so I do not know if she was distressed after the incident. Again, I moved to the side of the field opposite to her so we were not really in contact for the 2nd half of the game. I had never met the female player prior to the game. Because I did not play very well I do not think that I will be invited back for another soccer match.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I avoided the situation and acted like nothing happened. I am wondering if I could have acted better. What else could I have done to resolve the situation where I may have caused a woman distress by accidentally touching her chest during in a better way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22760" LastEditorUserId="12101" LastEditDate="2018-11-01T07:39:30.223" LastActivityDate="2018-11-09T19:42:38.983" Title="Appropriate behavior after accidentally touching female player's chest in co-ed sports game" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19641" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19640" CreationDate="2018-10-31T03:30:54.427" Score="22" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone that chronically overthinks and overanalyses situations, this is even too far for me. The short answer is no, she wouldn't have cared, it would be gone from her mind and not given a second thought. You were falling, it was an accident.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for each of your specific questions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;What you did was fine. You didn't mention it, but I assume you said &quot;sorry&quot; afterwards, as it was an accident. If you didn't you should have. Not because of where you touched, but because you fell onto another person. The typical response is to say &quot;sorry&quot; and move on. Yes you were right in just moving on and pretending it didn't happen. Though, by the sounds of it, for different reasons than what she probably assumed. (Which was probably embarrassment) &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;No. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. It was meaningless and only comes off as creepy that it is so on your mind, when it is probably something she dismissed immediately.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Really wouldn't worry about it. Assuming you don't get called in by HR, like I said before she probably didn't care and at worst had a laugh about it with her friends. And yes touching anywhere is something both sexes deal with in any co-ed game. As long as it is accidental and not creepy then it is expected and gotten over.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-11-01T20:37:38.063" LastActivityDate="2018-11-01T20:37:38.063" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19643" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-31T06:37:18.117" Score="14" ViewCount="1299" Body="&lt;p&gt;In many ways this question mirrors &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9835/asking-a-girl-whether-she-would-like-to-dance-with-me&quot;&gt;Asking a girl whether she would like to dance with me&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;The setting:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; I am alone in a nightclub. I am located in a city/region known for being culturally progressive and sex positive. Loud electronic music (generally house, or other electronic music) is a constant, conversation is conducted by near-yelling directly into somebody's ear and/or lip reading. At least some random contact with others in the crowd is expected, especially since I am dancing. I do my best to be friendly and polite with other crowd members; at a good event, with a good crowd, I feel that there is a strong emotional force and kinship generated between members of a crowd all dancing together. I am generally open to dancing with anybody else in the crowd. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I say &quot;with&quot; I mean, non-verbally acknowledging each other, sharing floor space and making space for each other. This may include more than just me and another person, more people generally make it more fun. Some physical contact may occur, perhaps some jumping up and down holding each other's shoulders, but does not include (as far as I'm concerned/know), anything inviting more intimate dancing from those around me. Colloquially I have heard this sort of dancing with people called a &quot;dance pit&quot; or &quot;dance circle,&quot; I couldn't find a good youtube video, but if you've been to a dance music event, you have likely seen me and my ilk. I am not talking about a mosh pit, which I enjoy on occasion, but would be astounded if somebody managed to exhibit the following behavior in while moshing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;The issue:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; I will occasionally get too much attention from somebody (not limited to one gender). People will non-verbally communicate the they want to dance more intimately with me. Sometimes this is simply beginning with physical contact that I am fine with and start progressively getting more intimate, some people are very quick to get down to some &quot;dirty dancing&quot;. &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;I have not felt violated or unsafe because of any of the behavior I am asking about&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, I would be okay with most (depending on the person, all) of this interaction if I were single/non-monogamous. I am however, happily monogamous with my partner, who is not in attendance, and I feel that becoming too intimate with another person on the dance floor will be a violation of that trust, nor am I interested.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Desired outcome:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; I want to turn down/discourage intimate attention on the dance floor politely, while communicating that I am open to and interested in more platonic dancing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;Current Strategy:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; For those that quickly place me in a situation I feel is too intimate, I will gently, but firmly grab their wrists and move their hands off me while moving the rest of my body away from them, sometimes by moving them (also gently, but firmly). For people who take a more slow and respectful approach, generally more subtle cues such as guiding hands away from me, maintaining a certain distance between bodies or only touching hip to hip generally works. Often people will show initial interest, but will get the message when I do not escalate (these people are great). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people don't get the message on the first approach (most do), I will resort to leaning in and saying something along the lines of &quot;No thank you, I'm taken&quot; or &quot;Thanks, but my partner and I have boundaries.&quot; I try to convey a friendly countenance (a smile and calm, smiling eyes) while delivering this message to show that I am not upset, but I am serious. If this doesn't work, I am likely to be a bit more firm in pushing the person away and disengaging and will just move away from them. The few times this has been employed was mainly to the level of intoxication of the person and even they understood me moving significantly away from them. If I am made uncomfortable or feel threatened then I would move away and involve bouncers, but I am asking about interactions that do not warrant that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;In what ways could I improve or modify these strategies to turn down the advances of others beyond platonic dancing?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Non-verbal communication and body language are the main and preferred communication medium&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Rationale for your answers is, of course, expected.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;While I identify and present as male, I would prefer an answers to this question be gender neutral unless clearly stated why my gender matters to this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="12145" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T18:12:30.137" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T14:44:37.267" Title="Gently turning down undesired physical contact/setting boundaries in a nightclub environment" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19644" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-31T09:04:18.750" Score="3" ViewCount="348" Body="&lt;h1&gt;TL;DR&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I calm the situation when my mother and sister are violently arguing without the situation backfiring at me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other day, my mother and my little sister (17 years) were arguing (my sister didn't wanted to do what my mother wanted her to do because of X) and the situation was getting a little out of hand. In fact, I was worried things were going to degenerate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This isn't the first time this kind of violent arguing has happened and I never know what to do to make everyone calm down. Most of the time, I just change place in the room and just stand, looking at them, hoping they will notice me (I guess I'm trying to silently say &amp;quot;I'm here, I'm watching you, be careful with your words and, please, stop arguing&amp;quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example of the last time my mother and sister were in an argument&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My sister was watching a TV show on her computer. My mother wanted my sister to accompany her at X so that my sister would do some sport (instead of staying at home all day). My sister didn't wanted to. My mother got really mad (overreacting like she was having a mood swing) and tried to take the computer from my sister's hands by force. In the meantime, my mother was saying in an angry voice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You spend to much time in your computer, you are going to come with me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I use to defuse the situation without them getting mad at me for saying something?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just want them to stop arguing so violently and start talking/negotiating like civilized people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T16:04:48.687" Title="How can I defuse a violent argument between two people?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19645" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19725" CreationDate="2018-10-31T10:01:13.973" Score="4" ViewCount="1428" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last month I moved into a shared house. There are 6 people living here. The primary leaseholder told me he had told another tenant to move out because he was always late on the rent. I never met this tenant or had a say in him moving out. Now it’s close to next month and we still don’t have a replacement. The primary leaseholder said we (all the current tenants) would have to cover the rent for the vacant room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my written agreement with the leaseholder, it only mentions my room's rent (I never even knew the rent amount for the vacant room until recently). Nonetheless, I don’t want to become enemies with him or he’ll tell me to move out too (my agreement is month-to-month). This is why I am looking for interpersonal skills advice rather than legal advice, because involving the law would definitely make him resent me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find it strange that we can't find a replacement given the low vacancy rate of the city and I think the primary leaseholder is just screening people to a very high degree of scrutiny and isn’t advertising on social media. The primary leaseholder had asked for everyone’s help finding a replacement, which I had been trying to do, but he never provided information or pictures so I would say naturally the responsibility falls on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can think of a lot of logical reasons to give but I know in situations like this logic isn't good at convincing people. &lt;strong&gt;How to communicate with my landlord that I won't pay extra rent without inspiring their resentment?&lt;/strong&gt; The primary lease holder is one of the roommates and I see him each day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The primary lease holder (who pays the rent to the landlord) says he can't afford to cover the whole missing rent. If this is true he should thought more carefully about kicking the roommate out. I sympathize with this and am willing to negotiate, like if he pays 50% of the missing rent and the rest is divided between the rest of the roommates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22765" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:42:07.923" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T19:42:07.923" Title="How to tell the leaseholder I won't cover a kicked-out roommates rent" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19647" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19590" CreationDate="2018-10-31T13:02:59.800" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As my mother used to say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you don't want to be treated like a child, stop acting like one!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course the converse is true - if you want people to respect and treat you as an adult you need to demonstrate that you are worthy of this by &lt;strong&gt;acting like an adult&lt;/strong&gt;. In fact that is fundamentally what being and adult &lt;strong&gt;is&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the key differences between an adult and a child is that they can recognize the need to do things that they might not &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; to do, or that are unpleasant in the short term in order to achieve a greater overall benefit. Children can't do this - which is why they need parents to make them do these things (otherwise every four year old would be trying to subsist of a diet made up exclusively of ice cream, cookies, and crisps and getting run over every time they came near a road). Parents don't make them eat healthy food and look for traffic to punish them or for the fun of it but because a 4 year old makes it plain with their behavior that they won't do these things on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you point out, you aren't four any more - and yet your mother is treating you like one. So why do you think that is? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it because she wants to punish you, or for the fun of it? Or because you've been acting like one and demonstrating that you're not making sensible choices?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's examine each of the two issues you posted about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Phone&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, by your own admission:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I couldn’t control myself&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And you have important-sounding exams coming up. So in this situation was your lack of control in terms of your phone use something a four year old would do? or something an adult would do?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to ask my mother to cancel the time table for giving up my phone?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is good that you recognize that it was your actions that lead to the consequences of your parents instituting the restrictive phone policy. So hopefully you should be able to see that logically the way to get the restrictions lifted is again by your actions in removing the impetus for the restrictions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Show you can be trusted with the phone by demonstrating that you understand why it was a problem before and that you are changing your attitude, do this by studying for your exams (or whatever) and (importantly) don't complain about not having the phone. Once you have done this for a sustained period of time &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; you can try approaching you parents:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand that I wasn't regulating my phone use before - I got caught up in the novelty of it all. However I think I've shown that I can act responsibly and keep my focus on more important things such as my studies. Could we review the phone timetable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Pills&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you have a skeletal issue (osteoporosis at a guess - given you mention it being Ca tablets and it starting post surgery for a fracture in your spine) which is serious business and believe me, speaking as someone with an incurable, degenerative skeletal condition myself if I could I'd put up with a little bit of daily nausea over the debilitating levels of chronic pain and the steady erosion of my mobility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned in comments that you understand that you could experience severe consequences for your health if you stop taking the tablets. Now I understand that taking the tablets isn't great and it makes you feel nauseous but is it &lt;strong&gt;really&lt;/strong&gt; worse than the consequences? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also mentioned:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wish I can be like others who don’t need to take pills at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Life isn't fair.. and also how do you know who does and doesn't take pills for different conditions? People don't always go around advertising their medical conditions. I currently take two separate medications daily, and I very much doubt a single other person in this building knows about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And (assuming the Calcium is to allow you to maintain bone density) how &quot;like others&quot; are you going to feel if you bone density drops to the point where sneezing or laughing breaks a rib or two?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So weigh the downsides of taking the pills versus the downsides of &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; taking them and ask yourself, what would you rather have?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to tell my mother that I don’t want to take pills at night, only sometimes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't - because that isn't a reasoned decision, it's the petulant whine of a child. Instead you say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really struggling with the side-effects of my current pills, I understand that taking them is important for my health so would it be okay if we talk to the doctor or another to see if there's an alternative way to take them without having to deal with the nausea? I'm going to be taking these for a very long time and I think it's worth exploring to see if we can make it easier for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if there isn't a better alternative (I'd be surprised if there weren't though - calcium comes in many forms) then you need to do the adult thing and work out a reason that matters to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; as to why you should be taking them. On a &lt;a href=&quot;https://space.stackexchange.com/questions/31259/how-can-i-a-high-school-student-in-bucharest-go-on-to-become-an-iss-astronaut?noredirect=1&amp;amp;lq=1&quot;&gt;question on Space Exploration SE&lt;/a&gt; you expressed an aspiration to be an astronaut. Well a big concern for all those in that line of work is &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spaceflight_osteopenia&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Spaceflight Osteopenia&lt;/a&gt; where you lose 1% of bone mass per month spent in space so you'd be needing your bones in the best possible condition before you went to space (and I seriously doubt any space agency would accept &quot;I don't want to take my pills because they taste yucky&quot; as a suitable reason to make an exception. Do you? So how about you use &lt;em&gt;that&lt;/em&gt; ambition as a reason to keep taking the pills? Even if you have to give yourself a nudge - maybe a picture of the ISS or something in your room that you can look at while you take them to remind yourself of why you're doing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T13:02:59.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19648" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19595" CreationDate="2018-10-31T13:34:43.737" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;That &amp;quot;team&amp;quot; was toxic. You said it yourself already. There are two ways to play this: either indulge in the stress, backstabbing and general unpleasantness of a toxic team. Learn how to navigate it and make the best out of it. While I do know a few &amp;quot;special&amp;quot; people who'd enjoy that, it seems it's not for you (and not for the majority of people, there's a reason it's called &amp;quot;toxic&amp;quot; and not &amp;quot;sweet and healthy&amp;quot;). So the other way is seeing whether a team is a good team and if you found one, stay with it. In the meantime, try to be that good team member yourself. That might get you negative points with the toxic teams, but you would not want to be caught not giving your best when you play with a good team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So what makes a good team, how would a &lt;em&gt;great&lt;/em&gt; team have handled this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Screen flashes red, game over&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Alice&lt;/strong&gt;: Wow sorry I could not help, that was on short notice. My fault.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bob&lt;/strong&gt;: Sorry, I missed that critical move, that's my fault, I'll prepare better next try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Sorry, we messed that up. Bob and I will coordinate better, give us a minute to prepare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What happened? &lt;em&gt;Everybody&lt;/em&gt; who missed an opportunity to make the team win owned it. Everybody stepped up and said &amp;quot;sorry, I will do better&amp;quot;. There is no reason to call someone out and nobody was blamed. Whoever leads the team has basically no job to do. There is no searching for mistakes or placing blame to do. All there is to do is to wait for Bob and you to coordinate, in private. &amp;quot;Coordinate&amp;quot; might mean you tell him exactly where he screwed up. But it's just you, in a private channel. Nobody needs to know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A team is a team. A team wins together or loses together. You and Bob are a sub-team inside the team. You win together or lose together. If the task did not get done, it's &amp;quot;we&amp;quot;, not him. Or you for that matter, you might mess it up next time. If someone from the team messed it up, it's &amp;quot;we&amp;quot;. If you messed it up, it's fine to say &amp;quot;I&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the next time this exact same thing happens, you say &amp;quot;I'm sorry, we messed that up, we will coordinate better, give us a minute&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that team is toxic and Bob and Alice sit there in silence, you did not lose anything. You didn't say it was you, you said you'd &lt;em&gt;fix it&lt;/em&gt;. That's a difference.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But maybe your next team &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; great. Then you definitely proved that you belong into a great team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Own your mistakes.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Own the mistakes of any team you are a member of.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Provide solutions.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do that, there is no need for finger-pointing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If people still do it, try to be an example. If you own your mistakes and nothing bad happens to you, people might be encouraged to do the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2706" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T13:34:43.737" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19649" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19644" CreationDate="2018-10-31T14:30:30.523" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This can actually be very difficult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First &lt;strong&gt;timing&lt;/strong&gt; is an issue, and &lt;em&gt;are you going to intervene?&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Arguing can actually be fairly healthy between two people. It allows them to show emotions and feelings without festering them. But as you said you don't want it to get physical.&#xA;So screaming and yelling might not be a good time to intervene, but when your mom and sister are getting physical it might.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to see when they start to get in each others space, look at body language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your comment is a very good one!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Choosing sides&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask yourself, Am i choosing sides? Or how would it appear to them? You are spot on that you don't want to choose a side.  But comments like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My mother got really mad (overreacting like she was having a mood&#xA;  swing)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can make it &lt;strong&gt;appear&lt;/strong&gt; to your mom you &lt;strong&gt;are&lt;/strong&gt;, so try to stand in their shoes and how you appear to them when you intervene.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So try to intervene without appearing to choose sides, don't get into the middle of the &lt;em&gt;argument&lt;/em&gt;, but in the middle of &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try interjecting by commenting their behavior and make sure you direct it to both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you step in, try to remain neutral and focus on diffusing the physicality of the argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would be honest and most importantly in a calm/relaxing way tell them what you said: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&quot;I really don't like it when you are both fighting/shouting/hurting each other, I love you both. Could you guys please sit/eat ice&#xA;  cream/take a walk and talk it out?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't put emphasis on civility or the argument it self. Then it won't be seen as meddling or choosing sides. But again it might depend on the situation. Make sure you aren't intervening just an emotionally healthy argument, try to assess the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My answer is based on anecdotal experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My experience is not directly related to the specific sister-mother situation.  But when parents fighting or my ex and her mother it did work. Also as my job I sometimes mediate between heated discussions in which also I try to not choose sides but appeal to getting a result in a healthy manner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I actually mentioned some of my own experience while being part of an emotional argument see: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4924/6719&quot;&gt;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4924/6719&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6719" LastEditorUserId="6719" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T16:04:48.687" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T16:04:48.687" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19651" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19643" CreationDate="2018-10-31T15:30:03.530" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Honestly it sounds like your current approach is pretty spot on. I'm not much of a dancer, so I ran your question by my partner who is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Consider going &amp;quot;squaded up&amp;quot; with a few friends, if your partner can't come. They can potentially interdict that type of behavior, and you can tell others you're just there to have fun with your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your current approach is good for going solo, it's unfortunate many people don't understand consent. If solo is your only option and it continues to be an issue try to find other venues. I find smaller events tend to have more respect on the dancefloor compared to packed nightclubs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To expand on that a bit, you can ask a friend to &amp;quot;interdict&amp;quot; if they spot someone getting too intimate. I've had a few friends that would ask me to step-in in these cases, and I gladly provided that service. Basically they'd ask, I'd spot someone getting too close and I'd gently move between them on the dance floor. In other cases my friend would step close throw an arm around me and hang until the offending party got the impression that we were there together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, there's safety in numbers. If you can go &amp;quot;squaded up&amp;quot;, as the kids say, that's a great way to dance safe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T04:08:10.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19652" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-31T15:52:37.240" Score="2" ViewCount="245" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have an university course in which I (Software Engineering) was assigned to a group of close-knit friends of a business career. Lastly, it has been impossible to work with them, since:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They have unreasonable expectations about the work I can perform in a&#xA;frame of time. E.g. Having the MVP of an app and a web dashboard from 9pm to 5pm of the next day.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They define unreasonable responsibilities from me. Eg. When we discussed about the project, they expect I should guess and ace every one of the features they expect to see. After a week of polling them (4 of them, in the group chat) with messages asking them to review the Minimum Valuable Product (an app), I have gotten no review of the features. Furthermore, they have threatened to remove me of the group if they are not &quot;satisfied&quot; with the output when given to the teachers&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They expect an unreasonable prioritization of the course from me. When I took part in an international 24 hours programming contest representing my university during a weekend and explained that I would not be able to work or communicate during that time, I was met with &quot;We want solutions, not excuses&quot;. Which would be a reasonable answer from my boss, but not from peers, since we should be seeking for consensus and not unilateral efforts.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are four close-knit friends, so they are majority and act in a dictatorial way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate to my group that I'm not happy with the way the team is currently working? I have even considered working all alone, but that would be too much of a burden to me. If moving to another group were possible I would do so, but I don't think it is (we are already mid-term, every group needs an engineer). Anyways, I would ask the professor for that change as last resort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18674" LastEditorUserId="18674" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T17:04:06.857" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T15:41:11.407" Title="Working with a team of close-knit bossy peers, from another career" Tags="&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19653" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19643" CreationDate="2018-10-31T16:07:54.637" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you just want to be friendly about the rejection?  Perhaps raise your hand between you, say &quot;Sorry- I want to dance alone ok?&quot; (while nodding your head up and down positively), then move back, extending your arm to create distance.  Asking a question like this elicits a yes/no response, which requires reasoning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Establishing that you want to dance alone is the truth and only reason for the rejection, which has nothing to do with the other person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think people who do uninvited touching already know in advance that rejection is highly likely.  You aren't forced to engage if they ask dumb questions like &quot;WHY?&quot; nor do you have to share your relationship status in order to 'defend yourself' against uninvited touching.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If being nice or creating distance doesn't work, then you may need to leave the dance floor and notify the bouncer (if they serve alcohol they should have several) of the inappropriate touching. The establishment is supposed to take care of disruptive patrons so that the venue remains safe and enjoyable for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21528" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T16:07:54.637" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19654" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19664" CreationDate="2018-10-31T16:15:07.723" Score="10" ViewCount="1810" Body="&lt;p&gt;I love cooking. I especially enjoy making complex dishes that require days of preparation and hours over the stove. Nothing that requires a Michelin Star chef, but it does require time, patience and sometimes specific tools.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From time to time, I bring dishes I made to friends or my office. Almost every time, I get asked how I made the dish, and almost every time, the person who asks seems disappointing from my answer. Some answers I tried:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give the full recipe (people seem disinterested after the 10th&#xA;stage...)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give a general ingredients list (people think I hide stuff from them, so they either say a disappointed &quot;oh...&quot; or ask for the full recipe, and then we're back to #1)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Say it's a bit complicated (people think I'm condescending, which I'm truly not, I just don't want a #1 scenario)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Joke about it (e.g. for a homemade ice cream: &quot;Oh, you know, just a lot of fat and sugar, and then some more fat and more sugar&quot; - again, they're not satisfied from the answer)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask &quot;do you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to know?&quot; (to which the answer is always &quot;yes&quot;, because that's the polite answer, and now we're back at square one)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get that there are many reasons to ask &quot;how did you make this dish&quot;: being polite, acknowledging my effort, genuinely being interested, etc. but it seems like no matter the reason for asking, or the way I answer, the people who ask always seem disappointed of my answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I answer this question without coming across as pretentious or boring the person who is asking?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3117" LastEditorUserId="3117" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T16:34:16.000" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T18:37:58.623" Title="Answering &quot;how did you make this dish&quot; questions" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19655" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19654" CreationDate="2018-10-31T16:43:02.773" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You make a good point--you have no idea why they're asking, so you don't know what you should say. If someone's trying to be polite, giving them the full recipe would bore them, while if they're also interested in cooking like you, brushing them off with &quot;you know, a little of this, a little of that&quot; would probably also be a turn off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, I'd actually avoid the question all together. I like to use humor, as it also has the double effect of lightening the conversational mood, but you could easily swap it out for any other avoiding technique you prefer. Then you can ask what specifically they're asking for. If it were me, the conversation may go something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; How did you make this dish?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; With enough complaining to impress a college student--this dish always kills me! What did you want to know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way &lt;em&gt;they&lt;/em&gt; can decide what to ask for and save you the trouble of having to guess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T17:54:00.720" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T17:54:00.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19656" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19654" CreationDate="2018-10-31T16:43:10.580" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think for a question like this it is helpful to think about what the motives of the person asking the question are. Unfortunately, this particular one can be a bit unclear: someone might want to replicate your work, or they might just be making a polite comment to give you a bit of credit/opportunity to boast (which in itself is a good interpersonal skill!). You want your response to be considerate of that possible range of motivations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, both for people asking about my cooking and for myself when I ask these sorts of questions, they are usually looking for a fairly brief answer. The way I would suggest structuring your response is to accommodate that likely desire for a brief answer, and then open the conversation for further discussion if you think they might be interested. In that way, you have little risk of boring someone, nor are you shutting them down by implying intentionally or not that somehow they aren't qualified to hear the whole story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would start with just a brief statement: maybe note one secret ingredient (&lt;em&gt;I added way more almond extract than the recipe suggested&lt;/em&gt;), a source for the recipe (&lt;em&gt;Oh I got the recipe from a cookbook my sister-in-law gifted me!&lt;/em&gt;), a particularly challenging technique or tip (&lt;em&gt;They were all falling apart until I started putting them in the freezer for 5 minutes before frying&lt;/em&gt;), etc. These brief stories let you share a bit of your expertise, let the listener feel like they are &quot;in on&quot; the secret a bit, and leave the conversation open.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, all of these sorts of statements do nothing to imply that your listener is deficient in any way: you can stick to your own development and learning as a cook, which is something most fellow cooks will be able to appreciate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if you are open to sharing the recipe or having, you can simply offer to share, probably in another setting, i.e. &quot;&lt;em&gt;If you want the recipe, I could email it to you?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; That way you aren't pinning anyone down for a conversation they didn't intend to drag on, and also not shutting them down if they were hoping to get more information.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think my answer mostly agrees with the one by @scohe001 - but I would still recommend starting with just some brief statement rather than asking what they want to know, because if they are asking to just be polite they don't actually have anything in mind in particular and you put them on the spot, they just want to hear you say what's interesting to you. Instead, I would ask if they want to know &lt;em&gt;anything else&lt;/em&gt; after you drop your little tidbit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T16:43:10.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19658" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19654" CreationDate="2018-10-31T17:32:31.623" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As your first statement suggests, you are probably a pretty &lt;strong&gt;enthusiast&lt;/strong&gt; cook!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That enthusiasm can be really useful (a part from actually enjoying cooking, which is good) for this type of situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Enthusiasm spreading&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be a good way to transform a long recipe interest into a &lt;strong&gt;positive and interesting story&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First state that you spend time and/or resources on it :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This one took me a few hours.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then you can &lt;strong&gt;understate&lt;/strong&gt; your commitment (humor always helps)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't get me wrong, I basically stared at topping for 10 minutes..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;State again your enthusiasm by telling you'd like to share the result with them (and get their approval)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, i'm pretty happy with the result. Please taste it and tell me!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you can go &lt;strong&gt;full humor&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh, you don't want me to get started on this! I had a hudge fight with an avocado..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And use funny ways to explain shortly how you made it. Even if you don't state perfectly the recipe you used, it will be entertaining and create appeal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Share some information&lt;/strong&gt; you found, to make it thrilling&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You wanna know something nice?? I found an incredibly easy way to do Z..!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This might sound nerdy, but you can use it as a diversion (to avoid getting seen as pretentious)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;adapt to the speaker&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will probably have to face situation where someone reject your enthusiasm&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh you're such a cook.. I could never do all of this!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find something that the person is good at, and use it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't do X as good as you, i'm sure it took you so long to learn it aswell..&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Trust me, you could learn to cook this in no time!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone states that he is unable to make it, use your knowledge to advise him to do an easier thing as a first step&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is another recipe really cool, doing almost the same thing. You could use it as a training!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or he gives arguments like : it's not worthy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meh, I don't like all of this. It takes so much time and efforts&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point specify why you enjoy it so much / why it is so useful&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, I enjoy cooking because I get rewarded with good food each time on the way&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22642" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T17:32:31.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19660" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-31T18:05:37.707" Score="8" ViewCount="751" Body="&lt;p&gt;While walking down the street I noticed another pedestrian, who was ahead of me, accidentally dropping his wallet. I did not stare at this wallet, of course, but it wasn't hard to notice that it looked quite valuable: it was pretty thick and had both documents and money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I said '&lt;em&gt;Excuse me!&lt;/em&gt;' but I got no reaction: this man had an enormous headset on his head and was failing to notice anything around him. To get his attention I had to speed up, walk in front of him, prevent him the road and wave my hand in front of his eyes. By doing this I clearly invaded his personal space, as I closed my distance to him considerably.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As soon as I got his attention I pointed his lost wallet to him and then, when he lunged to collect it, I left.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is: How to handle such situations so that I don't break societal norms and even more importantly, don't put myself to risk of being mistaken for a criminal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the main sets of rules about shared space  involve how closely we approach a stranger. Depending on the circumstances, it can range from five feet or more to inches. In an office lobby, you don’t come closer than five feet to strangers. However, in a crowded elevator we pull in those boundaries, sometimes to mere inches. We unconsciously know what is and what isn’t an acceptable distance in public and for the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An unwarranted violation of these rules is a serious danger sign. For a criminal to be successful, he must break the unwritten social code and get close enough to violate your personal space. He has to do this to control you. A knife at two feet is a threat -- from there he leaves you no choice. But if he’s 10 feet away, you can run. He doesn’t have control. Therefore, in order for him to succeed, he has to approach you -- and in doing so, break the social codes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Become a stickler for distance etiquette when you are in public -- do NOT let people approach you at inappropriate times. Unless you are in a line, crowded elevator or a crowd, don’t let anyone get closer than five feet. In a deserted parking lot, it’s 10 feet or more. That is your space, and he has no right to be there. If he tries to close, move wide. This will show you if it is an intentional or unintentional invasion. If you move and he continues on his way, it was unintentional. If he again veers towards you, be assured the invasion is intentional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above quote comes from Marc MacYoung's site nononsenseselfdefense.com, page &lt;a href=&quot;http://nononsenseselfdefense.com/personalshared.html#interpersonal_relationships&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Personal and shared space § Shared Space distance rules and crime&lt;/a&gt;. Reading this site made me think that my invading his personal space to get his attention was a serious matter. I fear that there are people who would react violently in such a situation, believing I might be trying to attack them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am especially interested in an answer that would compare how the situation is in Europe and how it is in the USA. This is because this happened in Europe, but one of the main sources of my fears that I did something very wrong - the above-quoted website - seems to be US-based. I was told that while what I did was OK in Europe (I clearly did this guy a favor, if I didnt do this he would have made himself a major loss), the same behavior on my part would be absolutely unacceptable in America, because by doing this I would have put myself into a grave and very real risk of being convicted for theft attempt - and that is even if I did not invade his personal space but just pointed his lost wallet to him from a safe distance. Is this accurate?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9016" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T19:05:40.547" Title="A stranger on the street accidentaly dropped their wallet: if and how may I point it out to them?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;public-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19661" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19660" CreationDate="2018-10-31T18:18:20.577" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;In this type of situation, I would've picked up the wallet while calling out &quot;Excuse me, sir!&quot;, jogged to catch up to him and tapped the side of his arm &lt;em&gt;with the wallet&lt;/em&gt;. I'd expect him to stop and turn and realize you were handing him his property. (As noted in comments, calling out to him as you pick up the wallet will signal to him, if he can hear you, and others that you are trying to help him and have no ill intentions)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes, you invade his personal space but since he was clearly not going to hear you call to him, you have to use another way to get his attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using the wallet to physically touch him is a different feel than poking or tapping him with your finger, not to mention, you are touching him with his personal property instead of touching him yourself. Tapping the side of the arm is also a common invasion of space while out walking versus having someone tap your shoulder or jump in front of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Could he become startled, yes, but people are often bumped and brushed against while walking on the street or in public spaces so people have become accustomed to accept that our space may be invaded at times in public areas and in such situations, I'm sure, it is welcomed. You could've easily slipped the wallet into your own pocket but you chose to give it back to him, can't imagine anyone being ungrateful for such a gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1839" LastEditorUserId="1839" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T18:34:48.300" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T18:34:48.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19662" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19645" CreationDate="2018-10-31T18:19:50.340" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since the leaseholder removed the other roommate unilaterally, without asking for your opinion, it doesn't seem appropriate for him to ask you to pay for the results of his action.  He keeps control for deciding who goes and who stays, therefore he should be responsible for the consequences.  You have only his word that he did everything that he could to get the other roommate to pay (I'm assuming that he did make an effort, but who knows).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he had consulted with all of you beforehand, that would have indicated that he felt you all had a &quot;stake&quot; in the process.  And in that case, you might all have helped him to encourage the other roommate to pay.  It might not have worked, but the fact that you were all involved would have given you some responsibility for the results.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might mention to him that you would have liked to have been consulted over whether the other roommate should have been evicted.  If he objects, telling you that it isn't your place to decide such things, then you can say &quot;if I have no control or responsibility over a decision, then I cannot agree that I should be held responsible for the consequences of it&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may very well still take offense.  You need to decide if it is worth this risk, or it would be better to just pay the money and stay in goodwill with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1761" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T18:19:50.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19663" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19654" CreationDate="2018-10-31T18:30:18.940" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whenever I get asked for one of my recipes, I give a very brief overview.  &quot;I used this and this...&quot; with maybe a single item that makes the recipe stand out &quot;Briefly heat to 350 before turning down and cooking at 250, it makes the meat more tender&quot;.  Then, if they seem to want more, I tell them &quot;if you are really interested in my recipe, give me your email address and I'll send it to you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have all of my recipes in Word .doc files, so I can just attach and send.  Or send a link, if I got it from allrecipes.com or some other website.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This satisfies the social aspect of people's desire to encourage and thank you by showing an interest, but also prevents the situation where they are being given a large amount of information with no way to retain it.  When they are looking glazed over, it might not be that they aren't interested, just that their information overload circuits have been tripped.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1761" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T18:30:18.940" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19664" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19654" CreationDate="2018-10-31T18:31:26.527" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read the comments to the question and I think this is not really a matter of phrasing but a matter of how to satisfy every possible asker's mind.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The answer is not to satisfy them but to let them choose their satisfaction of their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The dish takes approximately x hours, needs about y ingredients and has several steps of preparation.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It is probably too long to explain and keep in mind but I can mail/copy/hand you the recipe if you like to prepare this too.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;tells the truth.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is cooperative - you will give the full recipe to them without forgetting something.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;provides room to ask for more details about it for those who want to keep talking.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is short and not annoying for those who don't want to hear more.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastEditorUserId="13264" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T18:37:58.623" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T18:37:58.623" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19665" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19660" CreationDate="2018-10-31T18:50:05.207" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;You did &lt;strong&gt;exactly the right thing&lt;/strong&gt;.  You got the person's attention, pointed out the problem, while avoiding any action that would make it appear that you were a thief.  Getting into someone's personal space does violate a societal norm, but unsolicited touching of someone else's personal property is an even bigger violation.  I recently done similar actions to point out dropped money, where I had to intrude on someone else's &quot;space&quot;, and I'm positive I acted correctly.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a person who has lived in various parts of the USA all my life, I find the quoted text to not match my experience.  Sure, in a deserted parking lot at night, I'd be careful about people passing by, but the idea that people have to veer to be apart by 10 feet is not what I've experienced.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case you were trying to get their attention, by waving and probably pointing at the wallet.  Criminals who are planning on attacking are generally not going to be trying to attract attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-10-31T19:05:40.547" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T19:05:40.547" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19666" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-10-31T19:06:58.847" Score="3" ViewCount="397" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm American, considering taking a job in the Netherlands. My research into living into the Netherlands has predominantly been great, except for one very worrisome thing. &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zwarte_Piet&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Zwarte Piet&lt;/a&gt;. I was looking at schools for my young son and saw several pictures of them celebrating this and there were several teachers in black face. It's one thing to have read about it, but it was a bit staggering to see that it is truly a common part of the culture. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am white, my wife is black and our two sons are a pleasantly tan color (but in comparison to your prototypical white person, they would readily be considered black). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In preparation for possibly moving there, how do I properly address something that I find, and my wife finds even more so, offensive but is just a fairly common part of the culture? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not even fully sure how to explain why it's offensive/racist, I'm sure my wife could better explain it. To add to the possible difficulty, coworkers who haven't interacted with my family may have no idea my wife and children are black (not that it matters, but it seems like that might give more credence to my claims that it's offensive in their eyes).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22773" LastActivityDate="2018-10-31T19:06:58.847" Title="Dealing with unintentionally racist/offensive behavior of new country" Tags="&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="11" ClosedDate="2018-10-31T20:26:34.390" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19669" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19590" CreationDate="2018-11-01T00:18:15.190" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have a couple thorough answers already, but I still wanted to share mine since your issue with the pills really resonates with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was in graduate school, my father was diagnosed with celiac disease. Since it's genetic, my parents made me get tested for it. Even though I didn't have symptoms, it turns out I had it too. I became very depressed and upset because this meant that overnight I would never again be allowed to eat my favorite foods or order a pizza with my friends, and instead would forever have to be &quot;that person&quot; asking questions about ingredient lists...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The doctor told me that even though I didn't have symptoms from eating &quot;bad&quot; foods at the time, I &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt;, after being on the special diet for a while. So... I seriously thought about simply refusing to start the diet in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents suspected as much and had a talk with me:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They first tried to convince me the diet wouldn't be that bad, and this was really a blessing in disguise.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then they explained they were concerned about my long-term health. They pointed at my grandfather, who had died several years prior from complications of him going undiagnosed, and said &quot;we don't want that to happen to you&quot;.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Finally, even though I was mostly on my own at this point, they had loaned me money for a car so I could get to my summer job. They said that if I didn't follow the diet, I would need to pay up the rest of the loan immediately (wiping out my savings at the time).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you might imagine.. this conversation rather severely damaged our relationship. I hope you can avoid it escalating to this point!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Lessons Learned&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You need to explain your objections clearly and calmly, like a fellow mature adult. Try to practice &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;non-violent communication&lt;/a&gt;, using &quot;I-statements&quot; (&quot;I feel ... when ...&quot;) rather than accusing them of anything (&quot;You make me feel like a baby!&quot;), which will just escalate the situation. This also can encourage them to solve the problems with you! For instance, perhaps they will suggest a way to mask the taste or help you find an alternative brand.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let them know you understand the consequences. For instance, when my parents tried to make me get allergy shots as a kid, they eventually accepted that I really would rather sneeze than get stuck with a needle every week. However, this wouldn't convince them for the diet, because the consequences are much worse (their second argument in our talk). It sounds like this might be the case with the pills - so make sure to do your research! which leads to...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;The most important point:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; Show them that you have the self-discipline to do things you dislike when you understand that it's in your best long-term interest. Teenage boys aren't exactly known for looking out for their long-term wellbeing, and it sounds like your parents don't trust you to do that yet. Be proactive and open about taking medicine when you need it, and be patient with them. This is going to be the hardest part - trust takes time, and it won't happen after a single conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My parents didn't trust me, either, which is why they took such extreme measures. My biggest mistake was not proactively showing them that I'd learned to take care of myself. When I was a kid, I avoided anything vaguely medicinal, but I had gradually learned to do these things while I was living on my own... but because I was stubborn and still annoyed at my parents for making it such an issue, I never talked about it and even hid when I did things like take an allergy pill, so they thought I was still that same kid who would refuse such things. Although I can't be totally sure, I think if I'd been more open about how I could take care of myself, they wouldn't have felt the need to do what they did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I've mostly focused on the pills here, this also applies to the phone issue - since you say you couldn't control yourself, you'll need to show that you can now. Following the time table is one way, but they may still think that's due to the time table, not your own discipline. So a better way would be, for example, give up your phone &lt;em&gt;ahead&lt;/em&gt; of schedule saying &quot;Hey, here's my phone, I'm already done for the night&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Before having the conversation, spend some time demonstrating responsibility and doing your research on possible alternatives to your current situation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Choose a good time to have the conversation, when everyone is calm.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain how you feel in neutral terms, avoid making accusations at them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them about the possible solutions you found, along with examples of how you have been self-disciplined enough to implement them properly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listen respectfully to her response, and don't argue, but rather take it as a learning experience for how to continue improving yourself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-11-01T00:18:15.190" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19670" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19595" CreationDate="2018-11-01T01:02:26.727" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It does indeed sound like a toxic team, and perhaps nothing you could have said would prevent the resulting mess. But even though it might not have helped with that particular team, I'd like to address part of your question: how to explain what happened without throwing a colleague under the bus. I'd say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bob was new to this task, and made mistake X. I probably could have&#xA;  given him more guidance. I'll develop a checklist for the task that&#xA;  would help people avoid mistakes in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I didn't have the knowledge necessary to correct the&#xA;  problem, which is why I asked Alice for help. Alice, perhaps you could&#xA;  teach me how to do this in future so I won't have to bother you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An explanation like this accomplishes several things. You're excusing Bob (he's new), and taking on much of the blame yourself. At the same time, you're proposing a solution to prevent the problem from re-occurring. You're showing Alice that you don't want to impose on her, and again you're proposing a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2865" LastActivityDate="2018-11-01T01:02:26.727" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19672" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-01T06:44:06.347" Score="3" ViewCount="1024" Body="&lt;p&gt;My potential roommate and I planned to lease a flat for the last of our university time. However he plans to live in the flat even between semesters (not returning home) so that he can get a job to pay for his rent. My issue how much he can afford, since I did not know about his financial situation. The places that are within that range, seem extremely questionable, but if we were to split the rent then we could live in a slightly nicer place (not that much nicer). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this should have been mentioned before seriously asking to be roommates, I feel extremely guilty to turning him down knowing his situation and to be fair I did ask first (without knowing this). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update: sorry for not clarifying, I don't want to live with my roommate because I wish to stay in a nicer place, also we would have to worry about furniture as the places he has looked at are not furnished and may/maynot have a functional kitchen. Also I am far from home and without a car.&#xA;The area where most of these flats are located are not safe, many robberies and shooting have happened in some of the neighborhoods. &#xA;It's not that I don't want to pay rent over between semester, I just wanted to give a reason for needing a low rent, where as my situation is more flexible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Update 2: I assumed that if he was able to cover dorm fees then we could find a reasonable place. I have another friend who was in a similar situation they found a wonderful place that caters to students and I was hoping to live there as well, but that place is over budget as well. I asked about how much flexibility he has and he is set on what he can afford. &#xA;I did some digging and found a couple of places that might be decent, up to date on fire/safety codes/ within budget, but now he just shuts me down cause he's not in the mood to talk. &#xA;Yes I've offend him, but I did try.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22779" LastEditorUserId="22779" LastEditDate="2018-11-08T10:17:01.667" LastActivityDate="2018-11-08T10:17:01.667" Title="How to turn roommate down politely?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19679" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19637" CreationDate="2018-11-01T13:33:37.287" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you considered the possibility that her fears have nothing to do with Taxis or icy sidewalks, and instead are more about the fact that in ~2 years she's going to be a widow and also financially responsible for the entire household? Compound that by the fact that her chances of walking back into a &quot;decent-paying&quot; job in HR are slim, verging upon none.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not suggesting that she's lying about her fears, rather that she is instead focussing on substitute fears because the real issue is too big for her to handle. I'm not judging her for that - she's in a truly horrible position and any one of the challenges she's facing would be potentially overwhelming to anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such I really don't think that attempting to tackle the taxi issue directly is going to get anyone anywhere (no pun intended) as even if you resolved it her mind will likely throw up another spanner in the works in order to protect itself from facing the unpleasantness of her situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she isn't already I strongly suggest that you advise her to seek professional help (therapist, support worker, counselor) to help her deal with the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastActivityDate="2018-11-01T13:33:37.287" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19683" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19643" CreationDate="2018-11-01T22:41:04.893" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Like mentioned in other answers a night club is a night club, and drunk people being overly forward is not something that you can avoid.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said your current strategies are very good, for when you are already dancing with someone and want to remove them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whilst not specifically answering what you asked the best strategy for stopping unwanted advances non-verbally is to go with a male friend. This doesn't matter what your sex or orientation is. A good male friend is the ultimate buffer. It will both give you someone to dance with and will ensure no one approaches you. And if they do they are great for getting in the middle. This will sound sexist, but as a general rule, girls don't have this same ability or &quot;power&quot; in the club setting. I could go into huge numbers of reasons and scenarios but this would be a book. [Through extensive research being that male friend]. Another perk of this, dancing in a platonic manner with another person, is it attracts the few people in the club that also want that, and before you know it you'll have a solid circle going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another more on question technique, though not nearly as effective is utilizing eye contact. If this happens often enough to warrant asking this question, then I am sure you have a pretty good sense of the type of person likely to go too far vs the ones that won't (However these will be minimal given the setting). In these situations (before any dancing occurs) eye contact, and more specifically not making it, is a very good way to show disinterest from a distance. If they keep trying to make it and you keep avoiding then this will dissuade some, not all (it is a nightclub) but some.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do make eye contact this can be coupled with a shaking of the head to further signify &quot;don't&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-11-03T04:09:36.383" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T04:09:36.383" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19684" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19672" CreationDate="2018-11-02T03:13:53.947" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Financial reasons&lt;/strong&gt;, unfortunately, is the &lt;a href=&quot;http://divorce.com/top-10-reasons-marriages-fail/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;number 1 reason&lt;/a&gt; for marriage (and even empires) to fail.  &amp;lt;-- read this line again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to your issue: if you feel your roommate will not be able to pay his rent then you should have an &lt;strong&gt;adult, open conversation&lt;/strong&gt; about it with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's a potential script you can use:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John, I think we're jumping ahead of ourselves. &lt;strong&gt;We&lt;/strong&gt; didn't factor properly the finance surrounding our new venture and I have reason to believe that we may fail here. Let me explain you why: The monthly rent is $XXX/month. I may need to break some of my savings in the event we I don't make it so I'm hedged here but I'm not sure how will it work for you. Honestly, I don't feel comfortable with this and I wonder, as your trustworthy roommate, if you can put some light into your strategy and see if your strategy is valid. Alternatively [propose a better solution]. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't have this conversation, it is very likely that instead of focusing on your studies, you will be wrapped up with stress and unnecessary awkward moments with him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Planning is key.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-03T01:11:22.337" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T01:11:22.337" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19685" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19687" CreationDate="2018-11-02T03:30:44.953" Score="12" ViewCount="1309" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been saving for new PC for a while and should be enough in a couple of months, soon be building it. The PC's components have already been chosen and should be working for both my job and my gaming hobby.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once in a while, some relatives or my parents's acquaintance heard about my saving through my parents and would ask about what I'm going to do with it in a conversation. When I said that I was saving for new PC they respond with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That sound like a waste, you should spend it for traveling, get yourself some experience, you're still young.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can get a new motorbike with the same amount of money&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I maintain my bike very often, still in good condition)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why would you waste so much money just for games? Why don't you save it and treat us sometimes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I still hold small parties for my birthday and invite them...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I usually respond with something like it's not just for games but for my work too, I'm not spending all my saving for it (about 50%-60%) or sometimes when the conversation getting heated I just keep silent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I understand the importance of saving and won't spend all of it for my PC, some of these still irritated me and kind of angry when someone's hobby like traveling, party,.. is better than my gaming hobby. I do appreciate the thoughtfulness of elders/former generation for me about saving for the future. That's why I always avoid response with something sound arrogant like: &amp;quot;It's my saving/hobby/you won't understand.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to response to double standards elder relatives/acquaintance about my saving for a new PC without looking like an arrogant/disrespectful person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Goal&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wanna help them understand that this PC is necessary for my work and maybe also understand gaming is my hobby and should be treated like any other hobbies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're kind of my elders or same age/generation of my parents so it's not very wise to disrespect, especially where I come from.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20459" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-21T07:02:09.613" Title="How to response to double standards elder relatives/acquaintance about my saving for a new PC without looking like an arrogant/disrespectful person?" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;south-east-asia&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19686" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19626" CreationDate="2018-11-02T03:54:31.687" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Is it fair to summarize a FB interaction by saying you post about a trans issue and he will comment on that post and start discussing his men's rights issues?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's my understanding of what's going on.  If so, then let's break that down:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're posting on your page about a concern of yours.  You have started a conversation.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He makes a comment that ignores your issue and the topic of the conversation you started.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His comment is about his own concerns and issues.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest you reply to his comment and say, &quot;I understand you have this concern, and I'll be glad to either discuss it with you or let you discuss it with others, but on your timeline.  This is my timeline and my post, and this is a serious concern for me.  I posted this because I really want to discuss this particular issue.  Please respect my concern and that I started a conversation on one topic and want to stay on this topic in this particular conversation.  I'll give you the same respect when you start a conversation on your timeline about any subject you wish to discuss.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm kind of wordy, since I'm trying to cushion it, but the goal is to point out  you started a discussion on a particular topic, invoke the concept of respect, and ask him to please show that respect by staying on topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With any kind of situation like this, what's happening is that you are starting a conversation by sticking up for yourself.  When he sees this, he's trying to change the topic to make it all about him and his rights.  Be aware that there may be no successful way to get him to stop doing this, since he seems obsessed with his issues.  If his goal is to block you from claiming your rights and to assert his rights, no matter what you do, it will upset him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it a fine line. You have to decide how firm you want to be in drawing the line compared to how strongly he may react when you set that boundary.  Be aware that he may simply not respect any boundary like that which you declare.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you're talking to him in person, you can use a similar approach.  &quot;I understand that's a concern of yours, but can you please respect my concerns and that I was bringing up a topic by not changing the topic until we've finished discussing it?  I'll be glad to show the same respect for you when you bring up a topic&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22787" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T03:54:31.687" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19687" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19685" CreationDate="2018-11-02T05:46:18.520" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all don't be angry about them, People more or less tend to try to convince others of what they like because &lt;em&gt;I do it - so it must be perfect and the world needs to know&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can make your statement smoother if you slightly modify it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;It's my hobby you won't understand&lt;/strong&gt; becomes &lt;strong&gt;I know not everyone understands but it's my hobby. I like it and I'm looking forward to it. Doesn't that make it the perfect thing to save money for?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This sounds much better and by the way if they don't know what to respond they actually confirm you passively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you explain don't appear unsure. Don't find one &quot;excuse&quot; after the other, repeat the same answer to the same question. Yes this can become annoying and/or a kind of arrogant. But they probably will notice they were the ones who started it.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Another interesting answer to &quot;I don't understand you&quot; is &quot;well ok ... but that isn't an actual problem, is it?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T05:46:18.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19688" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19685" CreationDate="2018-11-02T07:42:54.150" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can twist the meaning around a bit. It's generally more accepted to spend money on education and your job than on hobbies, so emphasise that you need this computer for your job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not just for games but for my work too. You need good tools to do good work and I think it's a waste to buy a cheap computer that is not well suited for my work. I could buy a new computer right now, but I'll save a little more money to invest into a better computer so I can do better work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should expect questions like &quot;How does a more expensive computer improve your work?&quot;, so this strategy might backfire if you only need to write documents for your work. But if you do stuff that requires much processing power this answer might work for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T07:42:54.150" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19691" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19652" CreationDate="2018-11-02T13:46:20.697" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;We want solutions, not excuses&quot;. - explain that it was not an excuse. It was information that you won't be available. There is a difference between excuse and explanation.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You need to stress point one and two to them. Explaining why they are making this a problem. If they want a solutions they need to work on them.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Explain that you all need each other for this task to be completed. They need to take responsibility for their part and cannot expect from you to make up for their lack of effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On side, personal note - threatening you with removal from the group is bullying. They try to force you to work harder using only &quot;stick&quot; without any carrot. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should talk to your professor. Not about change but about problems with that group. Submit at least part of documentation to have a proof of your work and involvement. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastEditorUserId="11735" LastEditDate="2018-11-02T15:41:11.407" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T15:41:11.407" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19692" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19652" CreationDate="2018-11-02T14:39:01.310" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;They dont sound very friendly to me the way they are being the cause of so much stress for you. You need to be firm and upfront with them. Tell them that its a &lt;strong&gt;Group Project&lt;/strong&gt; and everyone is supposed to put equal effort along with showing mutual respect and consideration. Talk to your professor and make him aware of whats going on. Dont leave out the threatening to kick you out part.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;EDIT. Why op needs to do this ? well OP can either let things be how they are and hope for things to sort out own their own &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; stand their own ground. There is a difference between being rude, demanding and someone who wont let others take advantage of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time you meet them, talk politely but clear and firm. Stand, sit straight and look in the eyes.Talk to the point and avoid small talk or topics not related to your project.&#xA;That would show that you are here to work and not make friends and chit chat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them all what you have done so far in the project and ask them about their progress. Discuss ideas, ask for suggestion and give them your input about their suggestions or ideas. That would show that you are involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a last resort, go to your professor and be honest about the whole situation. Tell your professor about them threatening to kick you out of the group. Discuss what options you have in all this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22492" LastEditorUserId="22492" LastEditDate="2018-11-02T15:25:21.160" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T15:25:21.160" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19694" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-02T17:16:04.153" Score="5" ViewCount="715" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have been with my girlfriend for 5,5 years by now. We love each other, it was a really great time, but not without downs of course. And one of that downs happened 8 months ago. I think I had some kind of depression back then. I was unable to feel anything, nothing cheered me up, I started giving up on everything - college, training and most importantly - my relationship. On one of the parties I participated, I drunk too much and did something stupid - (almost) kissed with a friend of mine (that was barely a stub, but it happened). Didn't tell about this to my girlfriend. Then I lied to her for 3 or 4 times that I am out somewhere but in reality I went to meet that friend. And that was the problem - I did lie and did not tell everything (she found out it when she read my messages I sent my friend when I left my phone home - I don't blame her for it, it happened only once).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that party, it could have been anyone. Unfortunately, it hit on my friend. Now keeping in touch with that friend is not welcome (which seems somehow reasonable). But my girlfriend does not trust me in whole (at least not as much as before). Now I have nobody (except my girlfriend of course) I can truly talk to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I want to achieve?&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to rebuild trust in me. Convince my girlfriend that all of that is past now. Explain that the reason I did those bad things was not that friend herself, but whole the situation I was in. Finally, I would like to be able to meet my friend freely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I rebuild the broken trust with my girlfriend while still hanging out with my other friend?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22791" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T20:20:22.183" Title="How can I rebuild trust with my girlfriend while still hanging out with a friend?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;trust&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19695" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19694" CreationDate="2018-11-02T18:56:08.610" Score="10" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You probably can't.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You violated your girlfriend's trust, repeatedly, over a period of time. It sounds as though you plan to blame this on a bout of depression. Your written goal is to rebuild trust with your girlfriend while (from her perspective) potentially re-enacting that violation, requiring her to trust you in the exact way you showed that trust was not justified in the first place, without taking much (if any) responsibility for what happened, and without demonstrating that it won't happen again. That's a tall order.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the goals you listed conflict with one another, and all of them seem difficult in your current situation. Communicating with your girlfriend about how she feels, and what you can do to reassure her, will be critical for accomplishing any of them. Let's take them in turn, though in a different order than used in the OP:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Convince my girlfriend that all of that is past now. Explain that the reason I did those bad things was not that friend herself, but the whole situation I was in.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm grouping those together because they sound like two elements of the same goal to me. If I have misinterpreted, please let me know.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But here's the problem: this sounds like an excuse of convenience (even though it is plausible as an actual explanation). This rough period, presumably, came without much warning and no obvious way to &amp;quot;fix&amp;quot; it. This is something which you cannot guarantee will not happen again, without warning or apparent cause. And if it did happen again, would that not &amp;quot;pre-justify&amp;quot; more behavior your girlfriend would not like? What mechanisms might constrain your behavior so that your girlfriend can be comfortable that all of that is &amp;quot;in the past&amp;quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying &amp;quot;it's in the past&amp;quot; tends to be deployed as a part of &amp;quot;don't bother me about it any more&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;please don't use what you know I've done to assess what I might do in the future, in order to suit my convenience&amp;quot;. That may not be the case for you, but your girlfriend might still hear it that way. Making a promise that you can't keep won't help your case either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You made a mistake. It is not reasonable to expect your girlfriend to just shrug and ignore that, based only on trust in you which you have already broken.&lt;/strong&gt; It's for you to &lt;em&gt;demonstrate to her that you are committed to the relationship and that the mistake won't happen again.&lt;/em&gt; It's not her responsibility to just believe you because you declare that. How you do that will depend on your girlfriend and her feelings, which I can't estimate. So you'll have to talk to her about how she thinks she might be able to move past these problems.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Rebuild your girlfriend's trust in you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Extremely difficult. Even with all of (1) in mind, you have a problem: by placing any portion of the responsibility for kissing your friend on depression (or any related issues), &lt;strong&gt;regardless of how accurate this may be&lt;/strong&gt;, all other bad behavior needs to be addressed explicitly as &lt;em&gt;also&lt;/em&gt; being due to the depression &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt; for a distinct, separate cause.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I was depressed and drunk, and acted out without thinking&amp;quot; sounds like a plausible description of why the initial kiss may have happened. It's an absolutely terrible explanation for why you repeatedly lied to your girlfriend in order to secretly meet with the friend you kissed. If you try to use the depression/alcohol to describe all of the bad behavior my immediate reaction would be that you are reaching for an excuse in order to avoid responsibility for your actions as well as for repairing the relationship. &lt;em&gt;Especially&lt;/em&gt; if you want me to believe that all the negative things can be abandoned in &amp;quot;the past&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How, specifically, you go about rebuilding trust with your girlfriend will depend almost entirely on her feelings about you and your actions. You should be prepared for it to involve her subjecting you to more scrutiny, and for you to have to invest more in your relationship than you might usually.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Importantly, you will almost certainly have to deal with rebuilding trust &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; you are able to see this friend freely again (at least, without your girlfriend being there too).&lt;/strong&gt; As in (1), above, you are poorly positioned to promise that you'll be totally faithful, indefinitely. As above, talk to your girlfriend about how she feels and what she needs.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Being able to meet this friend freely.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This should probably be the &lt;em&gt;last&lt;/em&gt; of these goals that you pursue, and even then you'll have to be careful about it. Your past behavior suggests that you value being faithful to your girlfriend less than other things. Even if this impression is wrong, it's probably not reasonable to expect your girlfriend to feel differently. Repairing your relationship will require demonstrating that it's more important to you than recent events might make it seem, and trying to restore your activities with this friend &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; rebuilding trust seriously undercuts that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your pitch, as presented here, is that you only did what you did because of some external issue that is difficult to observe, impossible to predict, (apparently) absolves you of a lot (if not all) of the responsibility for what happened, and that this external issue will never come up again. That is... not very persuasive. Even &lt;em&gt;appearing&lt;/em&gt; to prioritize seeing this friend freely before absolutely satisfying your girlfriend on (1) and (2) is likely to make accomplishing (1) and (2) harder.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that 100% of the problematic behavior here was on your end (regardless of the reason), you should expect to bear more of the burdens that might be required to restore your relationship. If that involves seeing this friend less, at least for a time, that might be a price you have to pay. The alternative is your girlfriend feeling less secure in your relationship. If you can't handle what your girlfriend wants you to do, or feel that it is legitimately unfair, you don't &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to do it. But then you are moving away from accomplishing (1) and (2).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-02T20:20:22.183" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19697" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19698" CreationDate="2018-11-03T00:50:34.957" Score="-4" ViewCount="846" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had difficulties at only Chinese restaurants in Canada, Hong Kong, US, UK whenever I must return dishes. Their staff vigorously defend the dish, counter and deny my observations, get angry and say something offensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not Chinese, and surmise that I'm missing cultural in my communication. What am I doing wrongly, and what've I overlooked? Suppose that the food in a Chinese dish:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;is obviously rotten. I  touch nothing. I've been served &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choy_sum&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;choy sum&lt;/a&gt; that was  yellow, spongy; had blotches, discolorations, or flecks on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;or isn't obviously rotten, but you can taste that something's wrong after one bite. I've been served &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gai_lan&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;gai lan&lt;/a&gt; that's too stiff and unpiercable (unfresh?), and undercooked seafood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then a 10-minute dispute follows. The manager will argue that  nothing's wrong, and that I'm just unfamiliar with Chinese cooking methods. When all else fails, the manager blames me for not communicating my preferences to wait staff:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oh my God. You didn't tell us before. And now you want this and that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I know you're so picky, if you said nothing before?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the rest of the meal, staff glower at my table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2423" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T18:16:50.150" Title="How do I return inedible foods and not be charged, without offending staff?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;canada&gt;&lt;restaurants&gt;&lt;hong-kong&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-05T18:20:46.210" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19698" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19697" CreationDate="2018-11-03T01:39:05.773" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;(Note:  OP originally limited this to restaurants in the UK, US, and Canada, and my answer should be culturally acceptable in those countries. I can't say what you should do elsewhere, such as Taiwan or mainland China, because I don't know what is culturally acceptable there)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not going to address anything related to any specific type, ethnicity, or nationality, as I feel this does not matter.  Most businesses (in the US, UK, and Canada), including restaurants, will adhere to the maxim &quot;The customer is always right,&quot; even if the customer is clearly wrong.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you've been unlucky, as I've sent food back at many different kinds of restaurants and never had a problem.  The unwritten contract of food service is that they must provide food you enjoy eating.  If they are not able to this, then they have not held up their end of the contract.  If the restaurant owner complains, stand your ground.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, but this is inedible.  I am not going to eat this, and I'm not going to pay for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Period.  End of discussion.  If they try to argue, simply say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;OK, we're done here.  I'm leaving now.  Please bring me the check so I can pay for the rest of the meal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignore anything the owner or the waiter says, as it's not relevant.  If they say something offensive, all the more reason for you to leave and never come back.  If need be, leave enough money to cover the food you did eat, and walk out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if they threaten to call the police on you, then I suggest you take out your phone and video the conversation, fully documenting why you think the food is inedible (or at least inadequate).  I can't tell you whether the law is on your side; however in most cases you can only be criminally charged if you &lt;em&gt;deliberately&lt;/em&gt; skip out on the check.  If you have a good reason for rejecting the food that was served you, then it's likely to be a completely civil matter, and not worth pursuing in small claims court.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, remember to leave a negative review on Yelp, Google, or some other review site, so others will know to avoid that restaurant in the future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-11-05T15:08:22.607" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T15:08:22.607" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19699" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19685" CreationDate="2018-11-03T02:03:22.373" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is only natural for people to voice their opinions. Unfortunately, sometimes they/we cross the line without even noticing and it leads to a dissonance in the conversation. Rest assure that they mean no harm (in most cases) but to answer your question of &lt;em&gt;how to respectfully respond to that:&lt;/em&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will face 3 general strategies:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Defend&lt;/strong&gt; yourself and express why you should do it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Avoid&lt;/strong&gt; the question &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;[Secret Sauce] look at this as an opportunity to &lt;strong&gt;go around&lt;/strong&gt; their opinion &lt;strong&gt;and ask them questions&lt;/strong&gt; about things they feel &lt;strong&gt;passionate&lt;/strong&gt; about. We all have at least one.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, say uncle Bob comes over and says: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;That sound like a waste, you should spend it for traveling, get yourself some experience, you're still young.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Get pumped up with excitement&lt;/strong&gt; (because you're going to talk about something that means something for you), and say: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Uncle Bob, you play the Piano every day for 3 hours; I know you like&#xA;  it and it sounds awesome. Mom told me you just purchased a very&#xA;  expensive one. Wow. You know, this is the level I want to operate in.&#xA;  I love computers and I'm going after this particular one because I&#xA;  understand exactly what is needed on a molecule level. I enjoy reading the specifics and I put attention on every detail. It just makes me happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you divert the defensive approach of reasoning over an open conversation of what makes us happy in general. Can't see an outcome where they will still dispute that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastEditorUserId="20418" LastEditDate="2018-11-03T19:47:59.260" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T19:47:59.260" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19700" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-03T02:28:03.997" Score="8" ViewCount="501" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently graduated from university and am now working full time, while living at home until I finish paying off my student loans and can save up to move out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I'm still living at home, I want to spend as much time as I can with my parents, since I know after I move out, I won't see them very much. Even currently, I only see them for about 3 - 4 hours a day during the week, as I get home late from work often and they sleep fairly early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is, they spend so much time on their phones that I don't feel like I really get to interact with them much anymore. They're on social media during dinner, after dinner, while watching TV, and while in bed before going to sleep. When trying to talk with them, I get short or delayed responses, or asked to repeat myself because they aren't paying attention or aren't really listening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I try to talk to them about it, they get defensive and are in complete denial that they use social media as often and as long as they actually do. Short of gathering wifi traffic data to give them hard proof of the amount of time they are actually spending on social media, I've told them how much I've seen them on their phones when I am home and have asked them to try to spend less time on social media. I've emphasized that they might want to spend more time with me and my younger siblings while we're still living at home, because we will all be out on our own before they know it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While they agree with me when I bring that up, they don't change their habits and lately it seems to be getting even worse. Even during &quot;family activities&quot; like going out to eat, going to the beach, watching movies/netflix together, or playing board games together, they're distracted by their phones for a majority of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a better way I can get my point across and convince them to spend more time with the family instead of their phones?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22798" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T09:10:06.237" Title="How to talk to my parents about their excessive social media usage?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;social-media&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19703" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19713" CreationDate="2018-11-03T09:28:17.580" Score="2" ViewCount="277" Body="&lt;p&gt;I teach a 9th grade student. The problem is she is very talkative and doesn't pay attention on her studies as her final exams are near. Her parents are also very much worried about her. Whenever I ask her to be serious, put your effort as your parents send you here to study, they pay for you etc, she starts arguing with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can anyone suggest how to handle her as she is a bit sensitive. I don't want to give her punishment as sometimes she starts crying with her head down. How can I bring her back to study?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22802" LastEditorUserId="22492" LastEditDate="2018-11-03T16:26:35.027" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T14:41:08.667" Title="How to bring a student back to studies?" Tags="&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;&lt;students&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-07T14:03:09.147" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19704" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19700" CreationDate="2018-11-03T09:44:44.097" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First point would be to make them actually realize how often they pick up their phone.&#xA;Talk to the entire family about making a game/challenge out of it. You could use a system like a swear-jar, and every time someone takes out their Phone during dinner or other activities, they have to put a certain amount into it. Keep it small, but consistent, and make sure you and your siblings adhere to the same rules.&#xA;When going out, you can use a system I know lots of companies use during lunch. Everyone puts their Phone face down in the middle of the table and the first one to pick theirs up pays a round of drinks. (adjust to suit your family and budgets of course)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure to put valid excuses in place, an actual incoming call probably does not warrant a penalty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep this up until they hopefully realize how this is affecting your time together and change their behaviour accordingly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you can talk about putting a technical solution into place (sort of like parental controls) to limit the amount they can actually use their device.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3765" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T09:44:44.097" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19706" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-03T10:29:16.137" Score="2" ViewCount="575" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is the story:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was studying my Ph.D. in Italy I knew a Muslim girl who was also studying there. She was a friend of my friend so we were just hi-bye friends. After I graduated I went to Berlin to work. I was so lonely for about 6 months then all of a sudden my friend in Italy told me that this girl is coming to Berlin for a period of 3 months. So I got her contact and we started being friends. We went out multiple times and she came twice to my place. But we were just friends and there was no sexual thing happening. Actually, I didn't want to approach her because I knew she was Muslim and their boundaries are different. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One day she told me that she is coming to my place and she will bring alcoholic drinks. She had told me before that despite being Muslim she has no problem with drinks. So she came we drank and we became drunk. Then She came and sat beside me to show me her photos. Then, I don't know how it happened but we had sex. Afterward, we slept together and she left in the early morning. I contacted her in the evening and she told me she is very sick and can't go outside. I wanted to go to her but she told me that her friend is taking care of her and it is not needed. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two days after that I contacted her and she told me that for two days she is going on a working trip with her colleagues. After this trip I again contacted her and I realized that she is trying to ignore me by just sending brief messages without any kind of interest. And now she has turned her cell phone off. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now the question is how one should handle the situation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you don't want her to feel guilty about what has happened. Secondly, you don't want her to blame only you for what happened between you two and be an evil in her eyes. It would be good to have a chance and talk to her and talk things out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19105" LastEditorUserId="19105" LastEditDate="2018-11-05T07:59:07.280" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T07:59:07.280" Title="How to handle a friend who doesn't allow you to explain the things that happened" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-11-03T16:15:25.990" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19708" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19603" CreationDate="2018-11-03T11:22:06.493" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best way to deal with this is to signal mild opposition in the moment, not &quot;have a talk&quot; later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I was around and somebody (let's say Darren) made a comment like &quot;What did we say about pink shirts&quot;, I would respond with either a) slight mock outrage:&#xA;&quot;Darren!&quot; with an upward inflection, as if you're a little surprised somebody would say something 'so bold', or picking part of the phrase, &quot;the &lt;em&gt;whole&lt;/em&gt; company?&quot; with a slight tone of skepticism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another approach I would use is to contradict Darren,  but without hostility, saying something simple like&#xA;&quot;Well &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; like pink shirts&quot; or &quot;nobody told &lt;em&gt;me&lt;/em&gt; anything about pink shirts&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another strategy is to ask people to elaborate. &quot;What's wrong with pink shirts Darren?&quot; This can be said in a slightly playful way, and my experience is that often people who are low-key office bullies will mutter something and change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In conclusion: I think a private 'talking to' with Darren is the worst option, and it is better to express mild disapproval in the moment in order to send social signals to Darren that his behaviour is frowned upon.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14374" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T11:22:06.493" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19710" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19700" CreationDate="2018-11-03T11:34:48.443" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two other options:&#xA;Present the problem as a shared problem (if this is plausible). Talk about how you feel you are spending too much time on your phone, and maybe recommend an app that shows that to you. Since you've already brought it up with your parents, this might not be possible, but admitting your own fallibility is a good way to soften the blow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe you could suggest a 'tech free dinner' or other social event. Hopefully being away from their phones and feeling the 'itch' of wanting to check them will help them to realise how dependent they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the benefit of approaching it this way is that the conversation doesn't start with an accusation, which might prompt your parents to become defensive. Becoming defensive is an instinctive human reaction that prevents resolution, so I find it helps to have subjects be brought up in a more neutral way. With the second option especially, you could frame the 'tech free dinner' as a favour to you, something you're requesting. This might make them more likely to agree to it than if it's presented in a way which is critical of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14374" LastEditorUserId="14374" LastEditDate="2018-11-04T09:10:06.237" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T09:10:06.237" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19711" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19685" CreationDate="2018-11-03T11:41:25.753" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know if this counts as a good skill, maybe &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; need help from IPS, but I often just lie in those situations by implying I will/have changed my mind. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If somebody said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You could buy a motorbike for that price.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;oh yeah, maybe I will buy a motorbike then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's pretty hard for people to persist in arguing with you after that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then after you buy the PC, you can then talk about something useful for your work that the PC does, or even imply that you wish you'd bought a motorbike instead, with a smile and shrug. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Warning&lt;/strong&gt;: This may only work in (my) conflict-averse lower-middle-class white family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="14374" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-03T16:57:27.347" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T16:57:27.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19712" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19706" CreationDate="2018-11-03T13:39:44.677" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would challenge the frame that it is even your place to do anything at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, she doesn't owe you anything. Regardless of what happened between you two, if she is avoiding you, she is not going to answer and talk just because you harassed her more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, there is nothing that you can do to improve this situation. You have made your intentions clear (That you wish to talk to her about what happened) and if she is not willing or unwanting to have that conversation then your best line forward is to move on and leave her alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, and in response to your final paragraph. She clearly just wants to move on and forget. (And if she doesn't then she will contact you). She doesn't owe you an explanation or a reason and you, too, should move on and forget about her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-03T16:53:16.710" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T16:53:16.710" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19713" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19703" CreationDate="2018-11-03T13:52:58.473" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Thank you for the question. As it shows you care about your students. Instead of turning it into an argument, why don't you just sit and ask her what she likes or would like to do in future? Maybe it's the way she is being taught. Observe if she is a visual learner, or learns through experience or reading or maybe she is a slow learner and time-based activities or someone rushing her makes it hard for her to grasp the concept. We tend to dislike what we don't understand. If studying is difficult for her, she sure will avoid it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You didn't say if she is like this with all the subjects. Ask her what her favorite subject is. It can tell you a lot about her. If she doesn't like to read long paragraphs, ask/help her to download adobe reader (there is a function called &quot;read out loud&quot;) it can read the paragraphs to her. That way she can sit quietly and just listen. If she is a visual learner, give her related videos to watch. There is a whole new world out there. Google is your friend. If she is a slow learner, then DON'T ever rush her. It will make her nervous and want to quit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you are teaching her, start with the most basics. Step by step. Wherever she gets stuck, stop and repeat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if she really has no interest in studies, then you can try asking her if she is stressed about something, or is there something distracting her. Assure her that she will not be judged or punished for expressing her self. Talk like a guide, a friend. Hope she will open up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22492" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-03T16:45:47.250" LastActivityDate="2018-11-03T16:45:47.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19715" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-04T01:58:36.893" Score="4" ViewCount="358" Body="&lt;p&gt;My brother has a serious problem affecting all of us. Around 15 years ago, he started showing a great interest in religions and theology. He wanted to find God, the true and only God. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now after having read almost every book there is on the subject, from philosophy to Sufism, he has gotten nowhere. Worse, he has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 10 years now, and almost once a year he goes into a fit of rage and depression. During those yearly episodes, he shows very strange behavior. Last year, for example, he gave out cards to his colleagues saying that he was God. A few years earlier, I caught him  standing up and facing the dawn sun with his hand on his chest and eyes closed. He did this for almost an hour, as if he was imploring the sun or praying to it. Almost a month ago, he had been sleeping on the rooftop for over two weeks. He would carry the mattress on his shoulders and go all the way to the rooftop of the house. He doesn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. He has recently, for the very first time, told me that he is instructed in his dreams to do the things he does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, his family is almost falling apart, he doesn't want to share any more and doesn't give me, or anyone, the chance to talk to him. How can I get him to open up and talk to me, his younger brother?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother is a medical doctor, and he's almost 40. Birth religion is Islam. He has two kids, 9 and 5 years old.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22810" LastEditorUserId="22810" LastEditDate="2018-11-04T07:30:54.837" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T14:16:56.513" Title="How can I approach my bipolar brother so that he would speak with me?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19716" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19645" CreationDate="2018-11-04T08:26:20.387" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Gather history and precedent&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Ask other room mates what they plan to do this month. Also, ask if this kind of situation has occurred before and what happened then. Does the total rent paid by sub-tenants like you, add up to the rent for the whole facility or is it significantly more, thus earning the leaseholder a commission/income?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Action&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;If this is happening for the first time, or it is rare, you might first ask the other room mates if they are willing to discuss this further with the leaseholder or if they are willing to pay. If they are willing to discuss together, you people can approach the leaseholder. If they are not willing, you might discuss with him privately. Remember to bring up the extra income part if it exists.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why discuss&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;If you leave your room, he might be in for more financial trouble and you could let that be known to him politely. There is a good chance he will pay &quot;your&quot; portion of excess rent himself. If that happens, keep it to yourself and do not tell other people. Even if you still pay your excess portion, you'd have put up some resistance and caused some discomfort to the leaseholder for troubling you&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Consider&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Is there a possibility that the area vacant now is used by all/some room mates as extra space? That could be some justification for extra payment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5069" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T08:26:20.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19718" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19715" CreationDate="2018-11-04T09:38:47.663" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all - that sounds incredibly hard and frustrating. It is great that you want to help your brother and help him deal with his illness. Bipolar disorder is a very hard and frustrating disorder to deal with for the both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To start off with the positive - there are treatments that &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27243619&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;have been shown&lt;/a&gt; to empirically help bipolar patients. It is important to remember your brother is not his diagnosis - he is your brother and you love him. Do not reduce him to his diagnosis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I get him to open up and talk to me, his younger brother?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few things that you can do to start building this relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Take care of yourself:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing you might want to do about this is &lt;strong&gt;take care of yourself.&lt;/strong&gt; Having an ill close family member is incredibly taxing on &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; mental health and the first thing you can do to help him and get him to talk to you is to make sure you're taking good care of yourself. This is &quot;take care of yourself&quot; as in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider talking to a therapist about all this this. Having someone on your side you can talk to in a therapeutic relationship has been shown to help. Having a mentally ill family member is &lt;em&gt;very hard&lt;/em&gt; and it's important to acknowledge this and take care of yourself. If a therapist is out of question consider a spiritual leader. Support groups for people who have ill family members are also really helpful.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Consider self-soothing exercises and emotion regulation. Mindfulness can be great for this (meditation) - there are other alternatives (prayer for example also helps).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure you sleep enough, eat healthy and get exercise. Make sure you get social interactions that are positive and build a support network.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Learn about his condition&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your brother sounds like a smart and capable individual dealing with a very challenging problem. You want to understand his perspective. You can do this by &lt;em&gt;asking&lt;/em&gt; him about his life and then &lt;em&gt;listening&lt;/em&gt;. This relates to the next point.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Be approachable and non-judgmental&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that when you talk to him you &lt;em&gt;hear him out&lt;/em&gt; and then &lt;em&gt;acknowledge his feelings&lt;/em&gt; rather than attack him or his emotions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, you are my brother and I love you. I want you to know that no matter what happens I'm on your side and I'm always willing to hear you out non-judgmentally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Repeat this as many times as needed. Tell him you believe in him. If he does talk to you about something do not judge him for it. For example if he tells you he has been sleeping on the roof - rather then tell him to not sleep on the roof or that it's &quot;weird&quot; just acknowledge that it must be tough and ask him why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Brother: I've been sleeping on the roof in the last two weeks because my dream told me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bad&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: That sounds bad, you should stop listening to your dreams, you're smart - we had such high hopes for you why are you throwing things away?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's bad because it's judgmental and it doesn't seek to understand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Better:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Can you explain to me why you're sleeping on the roof?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Better:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: Thanks for telling me. I value that you trust me enough to share with me. Do you think sleeping on the roof is making you happier? Can you explain to me why you're sleeping on the roof?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Encourage him to seek treatment by sharing positive stories about people who improved their life. This is something you should do &lt;em&gt;after&lt;/em&gt; there is trust.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Acknowledge this is not something you can fix&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is incredibly hard and frustrating, but you cannot change people unless they want to and people with mental illness have a very hard time understanding they need help sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to be there for him and try to encourage him to get help but it is not your fault he is in this condition and it is not your responsibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="4527" LastEditDate="2018-11-04T14:16:56.513" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T14:16:56.513" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19721" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19722" CreationDate="2018-11-04T13:28:00.077" Score="3" ViewCount="1245" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am an outgoing person. I have no problem interacting with people and making friends, nor do I have an ego problem. But I have recently noticed that sometimes when I am just hanging out with family or friends and everyone is in a good mood, someone would joke to someone in a way that is obviously hurtful to that person. I have been on the receiving end too. Not all of them, but some of them, say things that can't be immediately fixed right away (sometimes not at all).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is.. I &lt;em&gt;always&lt;/em&gt; try to be respectful even with my closest friends/family and consciously make an effort to not say something that would embarrass them. Some examples of what I am talking about would be if someone jokes about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;your physical appearance&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;the way you talk&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;making fun of your age (oh you are not married yet? wow, when will you get married? at 90? do you wanna die alone?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if someone is poor, making fun of their financial situation&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if someone is short, joking about their height&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;making fun of someone's race (where I live this is normal and not considered a big political issue)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is.. people who do this are most of the time your close friends and family, who you &lt;em&gt;have to&lt;/em&gt; meet and interact with. And when you try to politely tell them that what they said was hurtful, they just brush it off saying&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was just kidding. Stop being so serious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I have experienced when you confront someone about this type of behavior is that they, in turn, start acting like &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; hurt &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So &lt;strong&gt;my question is&lt;/strong&gt;: when you are being made fun of by people like this, how can you let them know that this certain issue is sensitive to you and you would like them to not joke about it, without turning it into an argument?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never ever confronted anyone in public. I know that would embarrass them in return and that is the exact opposite of what I want. I always talk about it with the person when it's just me and them and we are in a relaxed mood. I don't interfere when it happens with other people except try to divert the conversation to something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But when it happens to me, I either ignore it, or I do sometimes mention it to the person in private. Like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Remember that you said this the other day, I understand that you didn't mean it but it hurt me and also now others make fun of it too. So please be considerate in the future. I will appreciate it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In return, I get advised to grow a thick skin and that I am too sensitive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22492" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-04T17:08:44.113" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T19:04:42.570" Title="How to ask close family and friends to stop casually joking about things that are hurtful to you?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19722" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19721" CreationDate="2018-11-04T14:26:59.730" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all, I would not presume people get offended at these jokes. I really appreciate the kindness in wanting to stand up for others. It is entirely possible some people are taking them &quot;in good faith&quot; so I would be hesitant of standing up to them without checking that it actually bothers them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course when you are the target of the jokes that's a different story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Take the sting out&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One skill I've found to help in that particular situation is to ask someone to &quot;explain the joke&quot; and pretending that you don't understand it's a joke and that they're discussing it entirely in good faith. That takes the sting out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: wow when will you get married? at 90? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: I don't get it, can you explain what you mean to me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them&lt;/strong&gt;: ... it's a joke&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: Oh, why is the age someone is getting married funny?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Them:&lt;/strong&gt; X is so fat he needs a mirror to use the toilet&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt;: I don't think X needs a mirror to use the toilet or why we're discussing X's toilet habits, can you explain that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that there is an underlying group dynamic of power in jokes that are perceived as aggressive as offensive - be watchful for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Give feedback in private:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that criticizing their joking behaviour in public is generally poorly received in my experienced (and it seems like this has been your experience as well). If you do choose to bring it up with them do so:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;In private.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While explaining you are providing the feedback because you care about them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Directly.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Stating only the facts and without accusing them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I care about you and value your company in social gatherings. I noticed that there were jokes made about X today and X is sensitive about topic Y. It really bothers them. What do you think we can do about the situation to make sure X feels welcome to join our gatherings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You really don't have to do this though, this is not really your problem to fix and I think a &quot;group dynamics&quot; solution like the first on is likely better in most scenarios.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-04T17:13:30.697" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T17:13:30.697" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19723" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19703" CreationDate="2018-11-04T14:41:08.667" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;One thing I've found to work teaching 9th grade is &lt;em&gt;believing in them&lt;/em&gt;. The other answer by &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/users/22492/confusedandhungry01&quot;&gt;ConfusedANDHungry01&lt;/a&gt; is really good and touches on this but I want to say it explicitly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found kids to have an understanding of what teachers are on &lt;em&gt;their side&lt;/em&gt; and want them to succeed and what teachers care about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So first of all &lt;em&gt;congratulations&lt;/em&gt;. You care - that puts you above most teachers I've run into when teaching 9th grade. Let's see what skills you can apply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Build self efficacy.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want to build her ability to believe she can accomplish her goals. This starts by literally saying things like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I believe in you and your ability to do great on this topic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then gradually building &lt;em&gt;small successes&lt;/em&gt; with her. Give increasingly harder assignments that are not out of reach for her and you believe she can succeed (even if initially the assignments seem small) and gradually build up her feeling of self efficacy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Self efficacy has been (for my 9th graders) the biggest determining factor in who succeeds and who doesn't at the end of the year.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Focus on her commitment to succeed&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If for example she did not do all the homework but did half of it instead of talking down to her you can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I see you've done half the homework. Thank you for dedicating time to work on the topic and doing substantial work on the questions I gave you. Can we go over the parts you didn't do and understand together what was harder about them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Be non-judgmental&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain to her that you're on her side, ask her what &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; wants and &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; and then sit down and figure out together how to get there and plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make her an active participant of the plan and have her commit to the different parts. Make sure she does not over commit (see the part about self efficacy above). Commitment and small successes create a sense of accountability.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Find interesting ways to approach the topics and use them. For example I've found project based learning on subjects that interest the students to be a great motivator and a way to cultivate curiously which people naturally have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Support her&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that you have a shared goal (her success). Criticism is fine but only &lt;em&gt;within that specific context&lt;/em&gt;. Criticism needs to be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Direct to the student.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;About an action and not about her. It is very important to understand that it is not your place to judge her as a person as her teacher.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Within a context of caring about her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T14:41:08.667" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19725" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19645" CreationDate="2018-11-04T14:53:06.470" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;In my written agreement with the leaseholder, it only mentions my room's rent&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That answers your question. You don't pay the extra rent for the extra room. When asked why you respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My agreement only pertains to the room I'm renting. I think it's unfortunate that the room is empty and I'm trying to help by showing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the primary lease holder says something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't afford the rent for the extra room!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You respond with empathy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It sounds very frustrating plus it sounds frustrating to have to deal with and then kick a roommate out. I hope we find a solution soon! If you want we can talk about it and how to find a room mate quicker. I'm here for you!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the primary lease holder or landlord directly asks you for money you respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I absolutely understand why you're asking me. I'm going to have to say no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not rude, it explains you understand and it's direct. If they argue you can respond with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I have agreed to pay amount X for room Y so I am going to keep doing what we agreed on when we signed the contract.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T14:53:06.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19727" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19721" CreationDate="2018-11-04T19:04:42.570" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sarcasm sometimes helps to make them ask themselves what effects their statements are supposed to have - or show there is more behind a solution than a simple hint of someone not married or fat or something else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Such like &lt;strong&gt;Well yes ... but that's a matter where simple assessments don't help.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This explains one can state something again and again, it won't help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or more special&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;wow, when will you get married? at 90?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The registrar always complains I need a partner to marry. Could you ask the next man/women coming along if they want to?&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a start for you to continue with an explanation instead of laughing&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;strong&gt;It's not easy to find a partner and I don't want to marry just anyone only to be married. So what now?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they tell you to not be serious, go on like &lt;strong&gt;but I am serious right now, why aren't you too?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If the person can take it, why not say &lt;strong&gt;make it funny next time then I'll know it's a joke&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-11-04T19:04:42.570" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19728" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19742" CreationDate="2018-11-04T21:50:29.623" Score="5" ViewCount="694" Body="&lt;p&gt;Brief summary about myself. I work in IT and often enough people ask me to help them with their IT related issues, most often it's someone from the family or relatives. In my every day work I do a lot of tech related things, which means some things to me seem super obvious or super easy to do, when for some people they're not. consciously of course I know that, but I assume that the problem that I have is influenced by my subconscious. There are times that I'm easily &quot;triggered&quot; by people not being able to understand what I'm telling them or how to do certain IT related things. I'm trying to work on my behaviour and I think it's much better than before, since I'm catching myself a lot of times not saying something, when I would have before and things like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This case is a bit different. I have a little brother that's 5 years old, he comes sometimes on the weekend and I really enjoy spending time with him, since he's a little fun kid and he really loves playing computer games, he doesn't have a computer himself, so being able to play at my home is like a birthday to him. Recently a couple of times I've noticed that I'm getting angry at him for things he does not understand. I'm not talkin about any kind of physical threats or whatever, just that my attitude kinda changes for some reason, last couple of times I managed to not get angry, but I still feel that something is not right and I'm afraid, even though he's a kid, he feels it too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He plays racing games on my computer or some other games for kid and usually he fails, since he's absolutely new to the computer and is a little kid and when I explain to him what to do, show him what to do multiple times, even though I do not get angry I'm still somehow not okay, I start to be distant or cold or whatever the word is to describe that behaviour. Afterwards it's still okay, we have fun etc. when he's not playing and it's like it never happened, because he also forgets stuff, since he's a kid, but when he leaves, I feel kinda gulity and I don't want to put him in a position that he's in the environment where he can't make a mistake, because that's definitely not going to help him. I know that the problem is only in me, him being a kid has nothing to do with my issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question is, &lt;strong&gt;how do I show him that it's okay to make mistakes without looking angry/frustrated or expressing anger or frustration at him?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. If you can recommend any books on a similar subject or issues that would be even more great, thanks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22815" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-11-05T14:16:54.313" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T14:16:54.313" Title="How can I show my brother that he did something wrong, without seeming angry, so that he doesn't feel afraid to make a mistake" Tags="&lt;children&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;&lt;games&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19729" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19730" CreationDate="2018-11-05T01:39:31.413" Score="5" ViewCount="2765" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a male in my early- to mid-20's who has recently connected with a female close to my age by finding her on a dating app. She preferred to have conversations on a separate app, popularly used for sending timed photos, so we added each other on there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I messaged her and introduced myself; I saw her on the dating app, I attend the same college as her, and I'm interested in a casual relationship (friends with benefits). I offered to meet up with her over food/drinks to get to know each other better. She replied by asking for photos of myself. I obliged by sending a couple normal photos, and one where I was only wearing undergarments. They seemed to have drawn a bit of interest from her, she said I was attractive and she wanted me to take off my undergarments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I decided not to give her too much too soon by playfully asking if she'd care to send a photo of herself, to which she read but did not respond. She does have some teasing videos and photos (pornographic nature) of herself on her profile, but since I sent her photos first, I wanted to see if she would at least send me something back personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as online identity and digital footprint type of stuff goes, I'm pretty conscientious about it, so I'm not really willing to put explicit photos of myself out there without some form of reciprocating. She has posted non-explicit photos on her profile recently, so I don't have much reason to believe that it may be a fake profile. I seemed to have piqued her interest and would like to hold on to that, without doing anything that may make her feel like I'm trying to extort her or anything along those lines, while protecting myself as well. I intend to pick up the conversation again, and I'd like to do so without causing undue wariness from either side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I communicate with her that I'd still like to explore this connection, in a way that is mutually beneficial, without making the conversation topic too serious?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16487" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-06T20:33:31.493" LastActivityDate="2019-04-13T21:10:32.053" Title="Showing someone you are interested in a relationship but not ready to send nude" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19730" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19729" CreationDate="2018-11-05T02:24:43.490" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question is primarily-opinion-based, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say it... &lt;strong&gt;Don't share nude or inappropriate pictures of yourself with people you don't know and trust extremely well.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once they're out there, they're out there, and you can't control where they end up, who they're shared with, etc. They could even come back to haunt you years later, when you're trying to be a professional, or raise a family. (Note the seemingly endless stream of political figures who get caught in scandals because of this sort of thing...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don't know this person well, and they're already asking for nude or inappropriate pictures, without offering to reciprocate there's a fairly reasonable chance that they're not doing it for the reasons you think they are, or would want them to be. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally speaking, when people are just being flirtatious and naughty, in good fun, they'll offer photos at some point &lt;em&gt;if that's their thing&lt;/em&gt;. You shouldn't really need to ask and asking can come across as presumptuous and/or rude. Always consider that they may not really want naughty pictures, they may have just been playing along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sources... I'd rather not give specifics, but I've done a fair bit of online dating and had third parties show me unsolicited, and jokingly solicited photos. It really does happen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T02:24:43.490" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19731" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-05T02:26:07.667" Score="4" ViewCount="490" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/122105/how-do-i-tell-a-friend-that-i-am-no-longer-interested-in-working-on-a-project-th&quot;&gt;already posted the question on the Workplace&lt;/a&gt;, but someone commented that it is more of an interpersonal skill question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend started a project exactly two years ago, the project is an ambitious multiplayer indie video game. I saw the project grow in the first year from nothing to a terrible-looking but fun to play prototype. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One year ago, I decided to join the project as the second programmer. This gave my friend a lot of motivation and we managed to improve the game by a lot. We had the first release and a few players joined and hanged out on Discord. It was cool. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the time, I was going to a school between High School and University that is exclusive to my region, my school's workload was very lightweight. I could pour a lot of time into this project. During the summer, I had a job as a software developer and worked over 50 hours every week. I still managed to put in 20-25 hours a week into the project. This of course, took a lot of sacrifice like the cute girl I was dating, but whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the summer, we made a second release. It was more popular then the first one, but kind of disappointing considering the new art that made the game look good. I spent around $800 on art, but time is by far the biggest investment for both of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;University started two months ago and I have a very big workload. I am very focused for this first term and I have very high grades. I intend to keep them like that. I am first and foremost focusing on school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even though I worked a lot more than a normal person this summer, University is exhausting me. I spend entire days studying and when I am not, I just want to relax now. My passion for the project has completely died. My friend on the other hand, is at a different University and things seem to go pretty smoothly for him. He has a lot of time to work on the project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past two months, I had basically little to no activity on this project.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am no longer interested in working on this project but this creates many issues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Our code review methodology requires all code to be reviewed and tested, we take this seriously.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since my friend is working on the project, I must approve his code before he can merge it. He has admin rights to the code repository, but since we stick to this methodology (which has truly proven to be effective many times when we were both actively working on the project), a lot of code ends up being queued for review.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reviewing code is pretty boring, but we think it is worth it. This ends up to be my only task when I do work on the project. As I said, I am exhausted from University and when I see time to relax I end up doing a tedious chore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It is affecting his motivation to work on the project&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My inactivity on the project is clearly affecting my friend's own behaviour. I'm assuming this is caused by him seeing that the code is queued up, design discussions are not moving and having the motivation boost from a partner in a project removed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Our friendship is being affected&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We used to talk on Discord everyday in the summer while working on the project. Since I started University, I have not talked to him a lot because I have rarely booted up Discord. He is a friend to me, but both of us are not very social individuals. We don't really know each other deeply, but we hanged out together at school for around 2 years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My finals are coming next month, but once they are finished I will be in a three week break (Christmas/Winter break). This would seem like an opportunity to get work done on the project. However, I do not want to work on the project in those three weeks. I am very burnt out right now. I actually think I need a few weeks off because I didn't take any days off in the entire summer. I even worked on the holidays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In all honesty, in the short to medium term (1 year). I do not want to be involved in this project anymore. I have invested a lot of time and many sacrifices took place. I am diligent and can work a lot, but for me to work in such way I need to be very passionate which I am not at all right now. On the other hand, I am very passionate about University. My current plan right now is to focus on school and when I get to relax, actually relax like a normal person does.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not saying that I want to quit this project forever, but I am no longer interested in actively contributing to the project and maintaining the code's quality until maybe one day I will decide to come back to it (Unlikely but plausible).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll add that my friend is more diligent and hardworking than me. This guy doesn't relax either, so it's like foreign language or a waste of potential if I tell him that I want to relax.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I tell this to my friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to lie to him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'd still like to be friends with him&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want him to stop working or slow down because I left.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The feeling I have right now is similar to the one who starts a business with a friend. He wants to quit and move on, but too afraid to do so because his friend is more invested in the business and he knows that by quitting he is likely to destroy everything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20291" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T14:01:41.583" Title="How do I tell a friend that I am no longer interested in working on a project that we have invested a lot of time" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19733" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19613" CreationDate="2018-11-05T07:49:43.933" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a few friends with the same problem (and an sicilian neighbour), which start a conversation quite loud and tend to get even louder by time. &#xA;Most people do not realize how noisy or quiet they are.&#xA;So far with all of them it helped to say:&#xA; &lt;strong&gt;&quot; could you tone a bit down? I am not used to this volume and get headaches&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They will get louder again after a while, but realize you're not being mean, so something like &quot;you are starting to get loud again&quot; will work after a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21557" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T07:49:43.933" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19734" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15109" CreationDate="2018-11-05T08:35:37.223" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In one of your comments you stated:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Maybe in the end it is my fault or he has so bad mood changes&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;It's not!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You need to remember that you life is about you, you do not play a background actor or some quiet girl in the corner. It is not your responsibility to care about an idiot or trying to better him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is about you and you do not need to be liked by everyone to be of worth.&#xA;If you can ruin his reward on bullying you ( laughs from the others, the feeling of power, whatever it is) it will stop, since you are not longer playing the losing role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A bully goes for the weakest link, you should identify what makes you a &quot;victim&quot;, so you know what he gets out of bullying you.&#xA;Do you lose temper? start crying? screaming?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;=&gt; try to get cold, you probably do not have the nerve for sarcastic witty answers, so what?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;=&gt; when he calls you ugly, depending on your selfcontrol you can say &quot;&lt;em&gt;anyways as i was talking about...&lt;/em&gt;&quot; and just go on, he gets nothing out of this or you say &quot; &lt;em&gt;at least my parents like me&lt;/em&gt;&quot; which in best case gets a laugh from the others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ruin the fun he gets out of it.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here are some nice answers already, but it really depends on your personality if you can &quot;just ignore him&quot; or &quot;hit him&quot; ( which could end in hospital, as most people will be to scared to help you). Show you are doing well, no matter how hard he tries to get you down you have a way better life, university or a job you love just ahead of you, while he will probably be serving you fries in a few years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;TL;DR&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Identify why he bullies you and not someone else&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;find a way that fits you personality to stop him getting fun out of&#xA;your discussions&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;remember he is a sitenode in your life, you can even take a polaroid &#xA;of him and say it's for you yearbook.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it does not matter what someone thinks about you or how you see yourself in the mirror&#xA;it is your actions you should focus on. if you are proud on your decisions and choices everything is perfect :) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21557" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T08:35:37.223" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19736" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19739" CreationDate="2018-11-05T10:17:05.417" Score="0" ViewCount="334" Body="&lt;p&gt;Our teacher does not allow us to use mobile phone in class but most of my class mates do including my friend. How can I politely tell her to stop using it in class as she misses out on important lectures and her grades suffer a lot due to it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22802" LastEditorUserId="22802" LastEditDate="2018-11-05T10:43:31.763" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T12:57:25.817" Title="How can I politely stop my friend from using mobile in class?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-11-07T13:05:46.430" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19737" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19738" CreationDate="2018-11-05T10:46:31.207" Score="15" ViewCount="2135" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Current Situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend of 5 months is currently living with me in my aparment. He moved in about 2.5 months ago, because he was kicked out by his roommate with a 2 week notice and completely out of the blue and since then, he has been living with me.&#xA;We are both 24 and employed. I work a full time job while he works 15 hours a week but he is also still attending university.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the reason of why he was kicked out is in any way important please say so and I will update this question. But since it is a long story I will skip this part for now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I made sure to be clear on what I wanted when he moved in. I told him he could live with me for as long as he liked, but I would prefer it if he would eventually get his own place since our relationship is still very new (I just don't think you should move together after just 3 months). He agreed but also said he would be fine with staying at my place permanently. (To which i did not respond, since I already told him what i preferred)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problems&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have not set any boundaries or rules on living together, since I thought this was only a temporary situation. And maybe it still is, but I do not know if he decided to just stay and ignore my preference or simply thinks that I got used to him living with me.&#xA;There are now slowly things arising like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;him taking a shower when I need to get ready for work, while he has a day off (I came late to work because of that)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;loud music when I need some peace and quiet&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;no more time alone in my apartment&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a lot of laundry, dirty dishes, ..&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I do not know how to approach him about these things, since A) I do not want to suggest that he has to move out and B) he thinks he can stay because I am talking about long-term commitments.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I am not sure if A and B are in conflict to each other, but what I basically want is I don't want to &quot;force&quot; him to move out, nor do I want to invite him permanently into my place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Goal&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to keep a healthy relationship with him and eradicate the negative feelings I get when the problems from above arise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to find a non-suggestive way of reminding him that I would still sort of prefer if he got his own place, without sounding like I want him to move out. And if he decided to stay, that there are things that need to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Summary&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I guess he does not see the need of having to move out at all. If I was him I couldn't see a reason either. He lives rent-free, close to university, in a quiet area. Except for the weekends and evenings, he basically has a whole apartment to himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am looking for an approach that won't hurt his feelings or suggest him to move out, but just to make him aware that there is a problem that needs solving. &#xA;How do I correctly start up a conversation about this? What can I say or do so he knows he is free to stay with me forever if that is his wish (though it is not mine), but then we have to set up some rules? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And just for clearance: I would &lt;strong&gt;prefer&lt;/strong&gt; it if he moved out. That means if he &lt;strong&gt;wants&lt;/strong&gt; to stay with me I would accept that. But if he has no preference of staying/ moving then I would like for him to move out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;UPDATE&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks for all the answers and comments, I see now that I will have to talk about this with him openly if I want my issues solved properly.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As an addition, I will try to start a conversation about our current living situation and ask him if he is happy with everything so far.&#xA;I have not considered the possibility that maybe he also has issues that he does not speak up about since he is basically only a guest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21449" LastEditorUserId="21449" LastEditDate="2018-11-06T12:29:09.490" LastActivityDate="2018-11-08T05:19:21.540" Title="We moved together unexpectedly and early. How do I approach my boyfriend about arising problems?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19738" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19737" CreationDate="2018-11-05T11:07:47.707" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;You should talk to him like you would to regular roommate. Sometimes people think they can get away with &quot;regular stuff&quot; because there is something more involved.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;As almost all people will tell you: communication is the base of any healthy relationship.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You are fairly early in your relationship so not only you need to get to know each other but you also get to work with each other on things that don't work for you (like loud music). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You should set and communicate boundaries you wish to have. Tell him that because of your job you need to have bathroom unoccupied before you leave to work. And that it's your need not wish.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your wish is that he would take dirty dishes to kitchen and put them in the sink. Explain why it's bothers you and why you want it your way.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make a list of things you would like him to do or not do. Maybe he could prepare such list for you too.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Propose &quot;alone time&quot; for each other. You need time to process all that is happening between two of you alone, or with friends (if he don't have them it's a good opportunity for him to seek it while looking for a new hobby) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Think if the reason he was kicked out by his ex-roommate should be a red flag for you. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;An obvious red flag&lt;/strong&gt; temporary things tend to become permanent. And in your case it's in his best interest if it became permanent. No rent (check your bills how they spiked up), close to university (so as long as he's studying he don't need to pay for transport). In your both best interest is that you live apart from some time so you can find things to bond over with rather then going straight to problems of everyday living together. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastEditorUserId="11735" LastEditDate="2018-11-05T17:21:44.950" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T17:21:44.950" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19739" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19736" CreationDate="2018-11-05T12:27:54.217" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Be honest with her. Tell her that you are worried about her, and that you know it's none of your business, but ask her if she could maybe turn off her phone in classes she attends with you as a personal favour to you. Sometimes I will do (small) things for friends that are important to them but not to me, even if I think they are &quot;technically&quot; wrong about it. Maybe your friend is the same.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3320" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T12:27:54.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19740" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-05T12:52:01.303" Score="6" ViewCount="909" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in a developing country. My wife and I make US$32,000 yearly. My brother and his wife live and work in a developed country and make much more than us, probably 3 times more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, some of our relatives have gone on international tourist trips. Now my brother wants to go on an international trip, one that surpasses the recent trips. He wants him, his wife, our retired parents who live in my country, and my family of 3 to go on this trip to Europe. Flights, trains, accommodation and visas all combined will be at least US$8250, not including local expenses. We would have to probably share the expenses 50-50.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just joined a new job recently and started making some money. Before this new job, my wife's and my income was US$24000. I can &lt;em&gt;afford&lt;/em&gt; this vacation my brother is suggesting, but it feels like an extravaganza. I still don't have a house of my own. I feel that If I tell him we can't come on this trip, it will reflect badly on my wife and me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition, I already have some emotional baggage which makes me feel that I am not respected by my parents. If I did not have to go on this trip I can think of many things I would do with the money saved - replace the old car at parents, put towards my home, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16189" LastEditorUserId="7583" LastEditDate="2018-11-09T20:58:58.300" LastActivityDate="2018-11-09T20:58:58.300" Title="How can I refuse my brother's plan for an expensive trip?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19741" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19736" CreationDate="2018-11-05T12:57:25.817" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can't stop her. It is her decision to do so, and chances are very high that she's already aware that she misses out on the lecture's content, and that she decided to do it anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All you can do is tell her your opinion on the matter, and hope for her to realize that it in fact is very important to be attentive during class. If she doesn't, or continues to use phone in class anyway, then there is nothing left that you can do &lt;sup&gt;[1]&lt;/sup&gt;, as it is her own decision.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;[1]: except tattletale to the teacher, but you would not do her any favor, and she will not stay your friend for long if you go down that road!&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T12:57:25.817" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19742" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19728" CreationDate="2018-11-05T13:00:12.063" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The most important thing that will help you keep a possitive attitude is to realise the level of skill that is expected of him and what exactly you can currently teach him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A 5 year old kid that only plays on a computer on a weekend every once in a while is probably not going to learn how to play racing games properly. Which is perfectly fine!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of getting frustrated at him for releasing the accelerate button on a straight part, or constantly oversteering which causes him to finish dead last each time. Think about what little steps of improvement he's making in the &quot;getting used to doing something on a PC&quot; skill.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you figure out what he is capable of, try to encourage him each time to just take a tiny step further. Here's some steps I can think of for a racing game on what to focus on:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;learn what the buttons do: how to accelerate, how to steer left and right&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;try to finish a race&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;finish a race without getting stuck at one of the walls, or driving way off the track&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;finish a race before the slowest PC player&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;use a powerup correctly (thinking of mario cart for example where he should throw a red shell when there's an oponent in front of him)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;use a powerup without releasing the accelerate button&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do want to point out here that figuring out what skill a kid is capable of is really hard to do if you only see them once in a while. A little trick I use myself is to check what exactly they're enthousiastic about and just go along with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, my nephew (also around 5 years old) was playing around with a mario kart game on his handheld console. He was sitting next to me and telling me things like &quot;oh look, I got this powerup now&quot; then released the accelerate to have his thumb free to press that powerup button.&#xA;So my reasoning was, ok great he just learned what those powerups are and what to do with them. I'm not going to teach him he shouldn't let go of the other button at this stage. Instead let him get used to the &quot;using powerups&quot; step first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing so keeps your own frustration in check and makes it natural to just keep their enthusiasm up. Like you said, just being there with you and being able to toy around on a computer are what's important to him. Learning to drive properly and being able to win races isn't something you expect of someone that is barely able to write his own name right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T13:00:12.063" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19743" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19731" CreationDate="2018-11-05T14:01:41.583" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I was in a rather similar situation where I was involved in a project. The difference was:&#xA; - I was the one who started the project but while others didn't lose their motivation and energy, I did&#xA; - There were multiple people involved&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, from personal experience I would suggest the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;be honest considering the reasons&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;try to make your friend understand that you have different thresholds in regards to amount of work you can invest without a&#xA;burnout&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;mention that if you force it, your productivity will continue to drop, as you progress in education the classes will become harder,&#xA;and all this could in the end mean that you will drop out of the&#xA;project anyway but also be burned out, maybe even be negatively&#xA;affected in other areas of life&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;leave an open door, suggest (and actually consider) that after a couple of months break from the project, you may feel refreshed and&#xA;re-motivated to re-join the project with new and more productive&#xA;attitude (I did)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if you care about the friendship, then also would be good to mention that if he has an emergency on the project, or a problem he&#xA;truly cannot solve alone, that you will be available to help out&#xA;(just mind that he doesn't abuse this)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;give him an advance notice, I understand being overwhelmed and wanting to end it all now, however this will enable him to both figure out a replacement as well as modify current procedures in place that include you, maybe consider still applying yourself during those 3 weeks so you can tie any loose ends and help him figure out the best course forward without you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's unavoidable that he will be slowed down for some time, but you can help him find a way around that, and if you force yourself he will be slowed down anyway since you will burnout.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22824" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T14:01:41.583" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19744" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19547" CreationDate="2018-11-05T14:34:36.260" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends what you mean by &quot;&lt;em&gt;without it escalating&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Of course you don't want it to escalate into a fight, verbal or otherwise. And you don't want to make &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; situation &lt;em&gt;worse&lt;/em&gt;. You need him on board to put it right (begrudgingly or cheerfully, it doesn't matter which, so long as he fixes it). But if you got bad service from, for example, a store assistant, you would &quot;escalate&quot; your complaint to a manager. Escalating a complaint is normal, and can achieve what you want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a contractor, I assume he is a self-employed tradesman and has no superior as such to escalate your complaint to. But in most countries, he will be subject to certain &lt;em&gt;building regulations&lt;/em&gt;. Tradesmen in some countries must have various forms of registration which require they comply with such regulations. You may have statutory &lt;em&gt;consumer rights&lt;/em&gt;. So there &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; people and places that you may be able to escalate these things to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Threatening to take someone to court or report them to a regulatory body isn't the first interpersonal solution I would recommend, but &lt;em&gt;knowing your rights&lt;/em&gt; is very important before you get into any conversation like this. The old proverb is, &lt;em&gt;forewarned, forearmed&lt;/em&gt;. Here on IPS we can put words in your mouth but you never know what is going to come back. Having all the facts, knowing what you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; threaten &lt;em&gt;if it comes to that&lt;/em&gt; is very important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the examples you gave, he sounds like he will try and blag his way out of anything you put to him. But people who try this are less able if they can see you know what you are talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do your research into your consumer rights. Perhaps talk to some other contractors about the way they would do things (just call a couple as if you are interested in having the work done, and ask the questions). Decide what you are prepared to go through with (ie small claims court, or report him to a regulatory body if there is one). Then contact him and perhaps say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am not satisfied with the work you have carried out. It isn't working as it ought to. I have given you the opportunity to put it right, and you have not done that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is the &lt;em&gt;grounds&lt;/em&gt; for your complaint. If you do your research (and I'm saying this because laws and the language used by the law varies between countries) you should pick up standard phrases such as &quot;does not meet agreed expectations&quot;, or &quot;does not work as specified&quot;. Modify what you say to include the phrases you find. This will show him you have familiarised yourself with your rights.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;em&gt;state your expectations&lt;/em&gt;. Either ask him to fix it once and for all, refund your money, put it back, or tell him you are not prepared to pay him (if you are sure your rights support this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he claims that he does not have to, or will not do something you &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; as a consumer you can expect of him, then you could choose to say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was hoping that you would be reasonable and put this right. If I must, I will take this further [and specify what you believe is the correct course of action &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; what you are prepared to do]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to give him one last chance to do the right thing, you could just add:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Are you sure that this is worth your reputation? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-11-05T14:40:17.557" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T14:40:17.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19745" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19737" CreationDate="2018-11-05T14:50:11.450" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The item that jumped out at me was &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;no more time alone in my apartment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Almost anything else can be dealt with by drawing up rules (take out the trash, no showering at time X, etc).  But if you are feeling like &quot;I really need my space&quot; unless you are in a big apartment, you need him to move out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you need to be direct.  Plan a talk at some &quot;quiet time&quot; when you are both comfortable.  You said that when he moved in, you made it clear that he should get his own place, that this was just a temporary solution.  Just go through that again and set up some timeline to make it real.  Obviously he is very comfortable, so unless &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; take action, nothing is going to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also make it clear that this isn't a &quot;breakup&quot;, it's just what you need right now.  If he cares about you, that should be enough.  If he cares more about his own comfort than he does about you, you've learned something important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T14:50:11.450" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19746" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="22376" CreationDate="2018-11-05T15:11:21.023" Score="7" ViewCount="1265" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a close friend of several years who is overweight. I've been reading and thinking about the issue of obesity and how invisible it sometimes is - how difficult to discuss and yet how emotional and important to those affected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to signal to my friend that I'm open to talking about it anytime. My goals are this (in order):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be a listening ear. Provide a space to vent or talk.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer emotional support.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Offer practical support &lt;em&gt;if they want it.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not staging an intervention. I'm not trying to say their obesity is a problem. First and foremost I want to be available and safe. If they would like help making any practical changes (such as discussing nutrition, exercise, or accountability) then I want to provide that. But it's not my goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friend has never brought it up for extended discussion. They will say things like &quot;I've been trying to make exercise a habit&quot; or &quot;I'm cutting back on (some food/beverage).&quot; They seem somewhat comfortable with the topic but have never discussed it at length with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate that I'm willing to support and be there for them without implying there's a problem to be addressed?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8628" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-11-05T15:24:22.283" LastActivityDate="2019-07-12T13:08:02.577" Title="How can I signal to my friend that I'm open to talking about their obesity?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19747" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19737" CreationDate="2018-11-05T15:21:28.863" Score="3" Body="&lt;h1&gt;TLDR&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you expressed it in several ways, I would suggest that &lt;strong&gt;you stick to the idea of him moving out.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Have a &lt;strong&gt;heathly relationship&lt;/strong&gt; also means &lt;strong&gt;telling&lt;/strong&gt; when &lt;strong&gt;things&lt;/strong&gt; are not okay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make him &lt;strong&gt;a short time guest&lt;/strong&gt;. He needs to &lt;strong&gt;respect&lt;/strong&gt; your conditions, but when he comes its a &lt;strong&gt;special moment together&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Suggest the benefits of &lt;strong&gt;both having your own place&lt;/strong&gt;. You will have plenty of time to &lt;strong&gt;move out together later.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My Experience&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am myself, a messy person. My roommate (girl) considers that cleaning our apartment is very important. As we are &lt;strong&gt;both equal&lt;/strong&gt; (we pay equal share, hold equal responsability) in this apartment, &lt;strong&gt;I have to&lt;/strong&gt; consider it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We have set a few rules, that allow everyone to be happy. Obviously, cleaning benefits everyone, but I'm not honestly sure I would be cleaning as much if I was living on my own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We made such arrangements, among others, so everyone is happy. because we are both roommates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Your Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But &lt;strong&gt;you're not really in a roommate situation&lt;/strong&gt; -&amp;gt; You are in a &lt;strong&gt;relation&lt;/strong&gt;, and he is a &lt;strong&gt;guest&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How he ended up in your place, or why you actually want him to move out, is less important than the simple fact that he is living &lt;strong&gt;at your place&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You actually &lt;strong&gt;don't share the weight&lt;/strong&gt;, you have it all, and this could create some drama if you let this grow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may be taking things for granted, and is happy about this current situation, but if you express your concerns, he will probably take them into consideration.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Possible Solutions&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want a healthy relation, &lt;strong&gt;you have to discuss&lt;/strong&gt; about your concerns. If you don't express your feelings, he has no sign that there is any problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to sound that you want him to move out, because &lt;strong&gt;you simply want him to move out&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;But that's not a bad thing, and you can/will show him why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take a time when you're both in a good mood, and have a few hours to have this discussion. &lt;strong&gt;Be ready to comfort him&lt;/strong&gt;. He might firstly thinks something is very wrong. It would be actually useful to &lt;strong&gt;demonstrate your affection&lt;/strong&gt; so he understands everything is fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't advise you to mention the past roommate story, as this is &lt;strong&gt;not relevant&lt;/strong&gt; (you are both in couple and he is your guest) and this might create some negative thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I am very glad to have you here, and I really care about you (and/or I love you). I won't argue that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;State the basics, you obviously &lt;strong&gt;care about him very much.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; We are together, but I feel like, at this moment, we could both have benefits to have our own place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is the tricky part. Don't let this discussion become &lt;strong&gt;arguments vs arguments&lt;/strong&gt;, because it's not! You're both on the same side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; You will always be welcome here, actually, I really expect you to stay several days a week because I want you by my side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; And I hope you will invite me as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; But why should I leave then?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I want to keep spending most of the day with you. So no one really leaves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; I don't want us to see each other because of habits! I care about you and I want to see more about your own world.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody is leaving, &lt;strong&gt;you will spend most of the time together&lt;/strong&gt;. This also means you can organize your time as you wish.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point that he will have more freedom, by saying that he will make all the decision in his apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're both in for &lt;strong&gt;the long run&lt;/strong&gt;, and you are okay about the idea of living together. But you will have to find a good place, discuss about rules, and set up a stable situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These are in my opinion the difference between &lt;strong&gt;moving together&lt;/strong&gt; and him moving at your place!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Home &amp;amp; Rules&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he becomes a &amp;quot;short&amp;quot; time guest, you will have less weight. Actually, the &lt;strong&gt;guest&lt;/strong&gt; statut will have &lt;strong&gt;more meaning&lt;/strong&gt;. When you stay at his place, you will do thing his way, and the same will apply at his place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By giving him the right to make you &lt;strong&gt;follow his rules&lt;/strong&gt; at his place, you &lt;strong&gt;get the same rights&lt;/strong&gt; in your own place when he visits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22642" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="user22642" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T16:19:42.283" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19750" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19746" CreationDate="2018-11-05T21:53:33.090" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have friends who, although not obese in my opinion, consider themselves to be so and are clearly not happy with their body image. The strategy I suggest here is the one that has had the better results in my experience with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that your friend sometimes makes statements related to their obesity, I think it is safe for you to try and address the issue - I wouldn't recommend it if they hadn't, for it could mean they aren't prepared to discuss it yet, or even to recognize they have this problem in front of others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In order to communicate your support to your friend, I would wait until they make another remark like the ones you mentioned (&quot;I've been trying to make exercise a habit&quot;, &quot;I'm cutting back on...&quot;). Then, don't say something in the same tenor of their comment, but be straightforward. Look them in the eye to convey you are serious about what you are about to say and ask something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you feel very bad about your weight/body?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be as warm as you can and then listen. I have found these direct questions to work very well. In my experience, people open up and don't seem to feel awkward about it, but relieved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you think this is too abrupt, you can first ask for more details like in the example you gave in one of your comments (&quot;How is your workout routine going?&quot;) and then go for the real question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once your friend and you have had an open conversation about their obesity, bringing up the subject again in the future will be much easier and then you can ask if they want any concrete help from you or just emotional support when they feel discouraged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Why do I think this is a good approach?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you keep the conversation on the casual level (&quot;Are you following any diet?&quot;), to change the tone of the chat to a deeper, more serious one takes some effort and courage on their part. They might not know if you will be comfortable with them being vulnerable in front of you. However, when you are the one who takes the step, you make it easier for them to share what they are really feeling or struggling with if they want to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, I think it better to ask how they are feeling rather than if they want to have a serious conversation about their obesity, because the second feels less natural, makes the whole thing appear bigger and puts more pressure into the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the past, when someone made a remark that showed they were not confortable with their body, I would tell them they looked ok, or that they shouldn't worry so much about it, but I have noticed this doesn't help. In fact, more often that not, the person ends up being kind of ashamed of feeling what they feel. The approach above, though, makes no judgement about what they should or should not feel and gives them room for opening up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hope this helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22124" LastEditorDisplayName="user22124" LastEditDate="2018-11-05T22:28:38.317" LastActivityDate="2018-11-05T22:28:38.317" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19751" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-05T22:12:35.783" Score="2" ViewCount="1006" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TLDR:  I have fighting adult siblings.  How can I mediate?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have two adult sisters (I'll call them Janet and Carol) who have been fighting for some time now.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The root of the fight was two years ago when Janet lived at Carol's house.  Janet was in a very unfortunate situation and needed help.  But Janet began to take advantage of Carol.  Eventually Carol put her foot down and called out Janet for her behavior.  Janet moved out and and hasn't forgiven Carol since.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my point of view Carol has reached out a couple times to fix the relationship and apologize but Janet rebuffs these attempts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is where it feels tricky. Our family will still hang out with both Janet and Carol (though not together).  Carol feels a little hurt that it feels everyone is condoning Janet's behavior - which is somewhat true.  As they are both adults it feels awkward to call out Janet.  It's gotten to the point where Carol doesn't feel welcome anymore and is moving out of state.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can talk to Carol openly about it.  If I bring it up to Janet, or suggest she lets things go, she will become very cold.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has had far reaching effects on all our siblings.  If any kind of party is held, Janet won't come if Carol is there and vice versa.  It is hard to quantify but this has caused great emotional anguish for my parents and other siblings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What strategies can I employ to mend this relationship as a sibling?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22830" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-06T02:47:50.827" LastActivityDate="2018-11-08T17:58:36.180" Title="How can I mediate between my fighting adult siblings?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19752" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19547" CreationDate="2018-11-06T00:26:07.790" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Most people are just too damn nice. For example, some of my tenants broke the shower faucet, and they were just too damn nice to call me and tell me they did. So instead they called a plumber, who shamelessly charged them €250 to replace a €20 faucet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The ensuing project was a battle every step of the way. The work needed to be checked nightly; he cut every possible corner; he took 2 months to complete a job that he said would take 2 weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The subcontractor is using your own niceness against you. He knows you will avoid conflict, so he'll treat you like a sucker. I've worked with people like that! &lt;strong&gt;For years!&lt;/strong&gt; They know how to exploit your unwillingness to say no. You're just too damn nice! All you have to do is to say the magic words: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You're fired.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T00:26:07.790" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19753" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19740" CreationDate="2018-11-06T00:51:52.247" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I take it from your question that your brother wants you onboard with a 50:50 spending among everyone; he makes 3 times more then you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're asking: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how can I refuse it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First off, it is very likely that if you do go on this trip you will spend much more then the price tag you suggested above and from a &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cost%E2%80%93benefit_analysis&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;cost-benefit analysis&lt;/a&gt; this trip is an expense far more then you can possibly afford. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given this, your best argument is to present the financial around this trip in such way that &lt;strong&gt;promotes&lt;/strong&gt; your brother but at the same time &lt;strong&gt;bringing his feet back to the ground&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As always, start with the good points - he took an outstanding initiative, he thought about his family and ask all of them to join you. On the flip side, he overlooked the economic of this trip. You guys are not on the same domain financially speaking and for that reason this idea, while honorable, is not executable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can say something along this line:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Brother, this idea sounds awesome! Mom and dad would love to join you&#xA;  and my wife is still entreating the idea. Full respect on the&#xA;  initiative here and hopefully many more to come. However, I'm not sure&#xA;  if this is a great idea from a financial point of view. You know, My&#xA;  wife and I are still working in [country name comes here] and the life&#xA;  standard are not as in Europe. I have the feeling that if we join you&#xA;  it will be an expense that will take us X years to return. I've struggled&#xA;  with the idea and decided, responsibly to decline. I'm sure you can&#xA;  relate to my argument.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T00:51:52.247" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19754" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19746" CreationDate="2018-11-06T08:53:57.573" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I used to be an obese person, therefor my answer is based on some personal experience.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, I would suggest that you never start the conversation yourself. This might look like a &quot;mocking&quot; advice more than a friendly one if you call him out about this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;My friend has never brought it up for extended discussion. They will say things like &quot;I've been trying to make exercise a habit&quot; or &quot;I'm cutting back on (some food/beverage).&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said that your friend would open up about this subject sometimes so I propose to use this opening as &lt;em&gt;yours&lt;/em&gt;. Be direct about it and show him that you're ready to help, let it be by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Exercising with him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not eating trash food while hanging out with him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Even consider doing some &quot;light&quot; diet to encourage him.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell him to pick up the best strategy and that you'll follow it yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A probable script that you can use following up his opening would be something like that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend&lt;/strong&gt;: I've been trying to make exercise a habit.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;em&gt;(In a supportive way)&lt;/em&gt;: What do you think about exercising together? Let's set up a schedule. About that, I remember reading about the issue of obesity and how invisible it sometimes is and I assume that you'd like to start exercising to lose some. At the end, it's all up to you, friend, but let me help you do that. If you'd like to speak up about it as well I am here for you. Do what suits you the best, &lt;em&gt;[Insert friend name]&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;And leave it as it is&lt;/strong&gt;. Don't bring the subject back, don't insist of doing it. You proposed your help following his conversation so it didn't look like you're watching him or have any problem with him regarding his weight. It's up to him now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17144" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T08:53:57.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19755" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-06T12:22:10.993" Score="8" ViewCount="1374" Body="&lt;p&gt;For as long as I can remember having first experienced love I've had trouble finding a partner and building a strong relationship.  More so, the only relationships I found, followed the pattern, that my partner was usually as desperate as I was to find a relationship, it was just a matter of days getting together and the relations rarely hold for longer than a few weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been observing others I feel like what happens to me is different from what happens to others, as no matter how weird someone is in their looks or personality they at some point just get into a relationship, no matter if actively looking for it or not. Even those not actively looking to get into a relationship usually have more success in finding someone feeling attracted to them than I had while still desperately trying to find someone to get a relationship with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For years I've been trying to figure out what the reason for this might be, and made it often a topic to talk about with my therapist. We came up with a lot of reasons that might be the source but due to trial and error behavior I figured out, most of them didn't have any impact on the outcome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking about it with friends they usually tell me &amp;quot;Don't get so desperate finding the right one takes some time.&amp;quot; And while I agree on that one, that's not my point.&#xA;As to be clear about it, in my whole life, thinking back into the 5th/6th grade, I never got a love letter from anyone, despite everyone(!) else receiving them a few times. I never had a &amp;quot;date&amp;quot; with someone in my late teen age. It was always from the very beginning pointed out if I had an appointment with an girl I liked &amp;quot;This is just friendship, don't consider it a date.&amp;quot; And even the recent years, people just keep pointing out if a relation to someone gets more intense, that I shouldn't expect anything but friendship from it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The fact that I have autism makes it difficult for me to conceal that I feel attracted to someone, probably making my attraction to them visible very early. And the way I experience attraction is from what I know way more intense for an autist than for an &lt;a href=&quot;https://crackedmirrorinshalott.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/autistic-allistic-neurodiverse-and-neurotypical-say-what/&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;allist&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I started wondering if this might be (as slowly I am running out of ideas what else might be the reason for this) the reason that I fail to make (almost?) everyone unable to feel romantic attraction towards me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be clear, this is just a yes/no question supported by some kind of evidence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I removed the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/europe&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;europe&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;europe&lt;/a&gt; again, since commentator agreed with me:&#xA;This is something I encountered cross countries and the observations I made were similar independent of the culture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-10T01:17:57.153" Title="Could expressed attraction be an absolute prevention of someone feeling attraction to me?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19759" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19755" CreationDate="2018-11-06T16:27:44.840" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;No, displaying the fact that you feel attraction will not, by itself, drive someone away.&#xA;In fact, this is how most people progress from a friendly relation to a romantic relation: by, somehow, expressing their attraction.  Of course, they are all sorts of ways to express this, some offensive and some charming: the WAY it is expressed is the critical part (assuming mutual attraction), and plays a major role in whether or not your overtures are accepted or rejected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if the person does not ALSO feel attracted to you, expressing your attraction WILL make them uncomfortable.  And here is where, I suspect, your Autisim comes into play.  Most people are able to &quot;figure out&quot;, or at least &quot;suspect&quot;, if someone is attracted to them, by picking up a hundred different subtle clues; posture, eye contact, words chosen.. etc..  Without the ability to pick up on these clues, you are at an extreme disadvantage in this area.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17674" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T16:27:44.840" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19760" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19762" CreationDate="2018-11-06T20:17:28.837" Score="23" ViewCount="1972" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I'm an agnostic young adult living in America&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A few years ago my family and I were at a Lutheran church because my cousin was becoming a pastor. Throughout the whole ceremony I did what I saw others doing- kneeling when they did, singing along, putting my hands together in prayer, etc. I didn't really know what I was doing but I was trying to fit in:&lt;br /&gt;Then everyone got out of their seats and lined up to for the juice/water/etc. and communion wafers at the front. I followed my family and people in front of me and received and ate a communion wafer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the weekend I found out from my boyfriend's family that one is not supposed to eat a communion wafer before one's first communion(? I think that's what I heard them say anyway)&lt;br /&gt;His aunt was more upset by this and said I would be going to hell in a concerned and sad way. My boyfriend's family is Catholic but himself and his siblings are much less religious than their parents and grandparents.&lt;br /&gt;His aunt also said she wouldn't even participate in a communion at a church she did not attend as it would be disrespectful. However his mother said she thinks it's proper etiquette to participate even if you don't attend the church.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This was all new to me and I'm mortified by how I must have looked during my cousin's ceremony. I really wouldn't have taken a communion wafer if I knew I wasn't supposed to. Most people there probably weren't disturbed by my family's actions as we were not confronted and maybe at worst some were thinking: “ignorance of the law is no excuse”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But &lt;strong&gt;what is the etiquette for participating at a communion for someone who is not religious?&lt;/strong&gt; The different perspectives I got from my boyfriend's mother and aunt sort of confuse me. I aim to learn more to properly show respect next time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17375" LastEditorUserId="7091" LastEditDate="2018-11-08T21:11:40.513" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T19:36:35.487" Title="Etiquette at communion for someone who is not religious" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;acceptable-behavior&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19761" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19760" CreationDate="2018-11-06T20:42:14.773" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I grew up Catholic and had the full suite of religious education that goes with it. I suspect that the rules vary by Christian denomination. The headline answer to your question for a Catholic service: if you are not Catholic, you should not take Communion at Mass. Full stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a variety of situations in which one is not supposed to take Communion, every one of which is considered to be a deeply personal matter for that person. It would be extremely rude to see someone refuse Communion and then ask them why they did so. Modern adherence is all over the place, but in general a church service is the least of &quot;what others [do]&quot; in participating in their faith. The sacraments are particular aspects of the religion, but they are only a small (though significant) portion of what believers are expected to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;official&quot; ways to decline Communion at a Catholic service are to simply not approach, eliding the issue, or to approach and then cross your arms over your chest (make an X with your arms, with your hands near your shoulders, making clear that you will not take part) and then step aside for the next person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Additional detail:&lt;/strong&gt; Your boyfriend's aunt's statement that she would not take Communion at a church she did not attend is not related to the Catechism at all, as far as I'm aware. The Church encourages Catholics to take Communion frequently. You can take Communion at any Mass, anywhere, at any time, provided that you, personally, are in a state where that would be acceptable at any Mass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Those states get really intricate, really fast. But the summary is that you need to be adhering to the dictates of Catholicism, including having participated in your first Communion (which itself is more an expression of the spiritual preparation for what Communion represents to Catholics) and are not living in a state of mortal sin (plus other situations, that level of detail is probably not useful here). Taking Communion when you are not supposed to is... pretty bad, theologically speaking. But as above, from the Catholic perspective, that's between you and God/Church officials (like priests), not you and any other members of the community.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-11-06T22:25:14.313" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T22:25:14.313" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19762" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19760" CreationDate="2018-11-06T20:54:06.460" Score="31" Body="&lt;p&gt;Both a preacher's kid and seminarian here. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A lot of this depends on the denomination in question.  Catholics and some Lutherans practice what is called &quot;closed communion&quot; where only those practicing that specific faith are allowed to participate.  Others practice what is called &quot;open communion&quot; where anyone is allowed to participate.  There isn't really an entrance examination as people visit other churches all the time, so it's up to the communicant (person taking communion) to determine if it's right for them or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Pretty much any answer will depend on how you interpret Scripture, and these conflicting answers can both be considered biblical.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's start with what you did &quot;right&quot; - trying to fit in.  A church service, especially one where you don't know what to do, can be somewhat intimidating.  So kudos to you for first of all attending a church service that meant something to your cousin, and secondly for trying to fit in.  I'll leave religious undertones out of this and say that I hope others appreciated your gesture.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Communion is a sign of participation in the faith.  To Christians, it means that you are part of the Christian community and you embrace the faith, and celebrate Jesus' absolution of your sins.  That's the simple explanation.  How did it look?  To a Christian, that only really matters to God.  To a non-Christian, therefore, it doesn't really matter to anyone.  I suspect that very few people there knew of your belief system and didn't pay any attention to you at all.  (I know when I take communion, it's a matter between me and God, and I don't pay any attention to others.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT the IPS skill here:  If you find yourself in this situation again, you can remain seated and not take part.  If the ushers want to call you to communion, merely holding up a hand to say &quot;no thanks&quot; will suffice.  No one should ask why you didn't take part and if they do, you can respond with &quot;I chose not to&quot; and leave it there.  @Upper Case's answer is technically correct but really only applies to Catholic churches - I suspect some Protestant ministers would be a little bit confused.  If you're not sure, ask an usher and they'll be more than happy to help you clarify any questions you have.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide you want to participate, then go ahead and do so with my blessing.  Watch what others do and follow their lead.  You're really the only person that knows what's in your heart and you're under no obligation to share that with others.  Personally, if I'm leading worship, I'd rather have one confused person feel welcome and discuss how communion works with them later than have someone feel like they're not welcome and stay away.  I'd be embarrassed to turn someone away for &quot;not being Christian enough&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-11-06T21:16:55.473" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T21:16:55.473" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19763" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19755" CreationDate="2018-11-06T22:32:29.077" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think I can relate with your feeling of desperately wanting a relationship from my high school days, I can tell you for sure you aren't the only one to see others and think it's so effortless for them to find a relationship but there was certainly work involved in getting it to that point though those efforts may not be easily seen. I don't think though that expressing attraction or a want to be in a relationship on its own would lead to rejection. As a rule of thumb I think you are always safe with masking your attraction enough to match the attraction the other person appears to be showing though if you still feel that is the problem.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A quick thing to note though, if the other person is not attracted to you and you choose to pursue them that could lead to them speaking up and rejecting your advances.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also mention that usually a couple of weeks is the longest your relationships last once they've started, if you're expressing very strong emotions about them already a few weeks in that is probably a little early for serious signs of attraction. If they are still warming up to keeping your relationship going and you show that you're all in it can create a pressure for them to either come to their own decision, sometimes that pressure is enough for them to want to back out of the relationship.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Relationships do take time to figure out though, I'm in my late 20's and only now starting to figure out how to keep relationships going, so keep an eye out and don't be afraid to go for it when you find your chance but like your friends and family say, don't worry about it too much yet if it doesn't work out right away. If you can learn something from it it wasn't wasted effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T22:32:29.077" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19764" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19751" CreationDate="2018-11-06T22:41:07.120" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Take the family dynamic out of this for a second and take a look at the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have two adults who are fighting.  What can you do about this to reconcile this?  In my experience, if both parties don't want to reconcile: nothing.  You can encourage them to reconcile but until both parties are willing to admit fault and accept accountability, there's precious little you can do other than encouraging that to happen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What strategies can you use to mend this?  First all, what is your experience in family therapy?  If there's a long-running dispute, it's more a matter for trained professionals than for a well-intentioned sibling with guidance from some strangers on the internet.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But let's say you want to try.  The challenge here is to get Janet to accept her responsibility for this.  Until she does, this won't change.  And as long as your family is choosing sides, she won't see a need to since she thinks she's right.  Your best strategy here is to publicly and clearly say &quot;I am not taking sides in this dispute&quot; and not take part in this dispute.  Once your family members see that, then you can start working them toward neutrality - one by one. You've seen that confronting Janet won't work, so there's no sense continuing to fail at that. As Janet's support starts to fall off, heads can clear and she can start questioning her role in this. In arguments in my family, that's been the best strategy for me to use. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T22:41:07.120" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19765" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19751" CreationDate="2018-11-06T22:43:33.557" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Mediation is to help two parties who want to come to an agreement and are willing to talk about it.  Janet is unwilling to talk about it, and has rebuffed Carol's attempts to normalize the relationship.  Carol is upset over people apparently condoning Janet's behavior, so she's not likely to be open to taking all the blame.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Exactly who is at fault to what extent doesn't really matter here.  What matters is how Carol and Janet see it.  You may not know how they see it, or know the details of exactly what happened and why.  Your opinion of who's at fault doesn't matter either, and expressing one is going to alienate at least one person.  You seem to think Janet is more to blame, which means that Janet's likely to treat you as being on Carol's side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, your immediate problem is that Janet isn't willing to talk about it.  If you can't get her interested in a reconciliation, you're not going to succeed.  I don't know Janet, so I don't know what's likely to convince her.  How have you tried talking to Janet?  If you've been implying that it's Janet's fault things happen, that would explain the cold reception.  It's entirely possible that Janet is an unapologetic jerk.  It's also possible that Carol spun the situation her way, and Janet's affronted that everyone appears to believe Carol's story.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Open a conversation by being explicitly non-judgmental.  Tell Janet you don't really care about fault, because it's unimportant compared to getting the family back together.  Tell her you want to understand it from her point of view.  Then listen sympathetically.  Don't judge.  If you give the impression that Carol is in the right, then you are telling Janet you're not neutral, and she'll almost certainly resume her earlier attitude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you understand where both people are coming from, and it sounds like you already know Carol's take on it, you can judge the situation.  The differences may be irreconcilable.  Alternately, Janet and Carol may be looking at the same thing in different ways.  You want to try to get them to see the other's point of view in a neutral way, and you probably want to make your neutrality more clear to Janet than to Carol.  Ask Carol to consider Janet's point of view.  If that goes OK (and Carol may just reject the whole conversation), ask Janet to consider Carol's point of view.  Try this until it blows up in your face, or when Janet and Carol understand each other's take on things.  If all goes well, they'll probably talk between themselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that you are minding other people's business all through this.  Your motives are good, but you are meddling in the affairs of others, and they have every right to tell you to get lost.  However, even if you only get in a good conversation with Janet, you will have done some good.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18513" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T22:43:33.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19766" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19547" CreationDate="2018-11-06T23:43:21.773" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you tried non-violent communication styles yet?  &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/1892005034&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Non-violent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You basically emphatically build up rapport with them first, by listening to them, but then you address your side of the issues after and ask how they can help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be nice, but clear that the situation as stands is not reasonable, but would like it corrected and are willing to work with them to resolve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, with construction contractors - I would never threaten them.  When you are done with them, you cut ties, post your story (only evidence you can backup via documented sources - to protect yourself from legal counters-suits) to yelp etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be worth recording the conversations you have - check your laws for your location to see if you can record without telling them (50/50) or their consent (common as long as they know even if they disagree)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel like you are probably past the point of successfully resolving this ... save the drunk calls if you can.  Get estimates from 2 or 3 other contractors.  Judge the new contractors based on their professionalism, showing up on time, returning calls etc.  If it's an expensive bill consider - having him return half his billed time for the job or having a lawyer contact the drunken contractor sue them to refund.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8087" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T23:43:21.773" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19767" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19746" CreationDate="2018-11-06T23:55:43.497" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me say this nicely, ... &quot;You absolutely can not find a good way to start a conversation someone does not want it!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they wanted an extended talk they would have said so ... that's all there is too it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, if you are concerned for someone, truly concerned - ask them how they are doing, how they are feeling.  If there are signs they are having a bad day, comfort them.  If there are signs they are down, ask if there is anything they want to talk about.  You do not bring up obesity, you bring up they seem down about something etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's all the encouragement and support you can signal until they ask for that help - you are always there for a talk if they want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't bring up the subject, that is how you know it's your issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8087" LastActivityDate="2018-11-06T23:55:43.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19768" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19751" CreationDate="2018-11-07T00:01:08.307" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a great book on building personal relationships.  It's a focused on romantic ones, but one of the things they do is they appreciate each other.  For them they stand there and look at each other till they realize how silly the fight is &amp;amp; they love each other.  Then they praise each other a bit before they go back to their discussion.  The book is called &lt;a href=&quot;https://rads.stackoverflow.com/amzn/click/1627780289&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Partners in Passion&lt;/a&gt;, it's not everyone's cup of tea it focuses on the bedroom - but, I have never experienced a happier &amp;amp; more health couple over long term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've used the idea of appreciation within my family - but if everyone doesn't return that idea it falls apart, Gottman says &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;Turning towards&quot; versus &quot;Turning away&quot;&lt;/a&gt; aka returning a connection someone offers (in a healthy way) is the key to if a relationship survives.  In some ways it's if they respect or care enough to bother caring about the effort someone puts forth.  Hard truth here - your family might not care about the other sibling enough to do the required work - it might not be about the sibling feeling unwelcome, it might be your family isn't welcoming ... disrespecting someone is pretty huge &amp;amp; most of the time it's non-verbal which is why I brought up Mark/Patricia's building respect &amp;amp; appreciation ... which is Gottman's key to successfully measuring how long relationships last.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like a bit of mercer for conflict resolution with families - it's never about blame etc - one of the examples of how to approach the situations - &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.mediate.com/articles/MercerD7.cfm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Link&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From managing people at the bar as a bouncer ... if they are drunk, you can use indirection on them like a small child ... moms are usually great at this ... queue in on how your mother would have dealt with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sometimes its just time to change the subject.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, everyone needs to move at some point to get perspective on life - mostly they return home eventually.  It's a really good thing, even if scary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Good luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8087" LastEditorUserId="8087" LastEditDate="2018-11-08T17:58:36.180" LastActivityDate="2018-11-08T17:58:36.180" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19771" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19760" CreationDate="2018-11-07T08:29:57.560" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: I'm French, I have done my first and second communion in a Catholic church (but I now consider myself agnostic).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In France, we have a saying: &quot;&lt;em&gt;In Rome, do as the Romans&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. It means that, when you don't know what you should do, do as the local people do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, you did this and it mostly goes well except for the communion wafer part. Honestly, if no one had told you beforehand that there was a special rule for the communion wafer, I don't see how you could have guessed. So, I wouldn't blame yourself for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now that you are aware of this &quot;special rule&quot;, you want to know what you should do next time. I won't repeat what the other two (great) answers have said but I will give you a more general guideline.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it comes to the communion wafer, the difference is between people who have done their first communion and those who haven't. Since you haven't done your first communion yourself, you should act like the other people who haven't done it either: childrens. In France, the age for the first commun is around 9 years old but it vary country to country. So I will suggest doing the same as children that don't have the ability to read yet to be safe (or better, checking one the internet/with someone before going to the church).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you see children going to receive the communion wafer but with their arms cross, do the same, if they stay on their seat, do the same, etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastActivityDate="2018-11-07T08:29:57.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19780" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19782" CreationDate="2018-11-07T15:48:34.600" Score="14" ViewCount="6256" Body="&lt;p&gt;First and foremost: I do have a really great relationship with my girlfriend. We trust each other blindly, never argue, almost everything is perfect and we are happy with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But one thing sometimes bugs me. During work I have lots of free time and sometimes want to write with her a bit. But sometimes she does not seem to have that much time, which is totally normal and something I understand. But she almost always says things like &quot;I got several things to do&quot; or that she is somewhere and I have no clue why or what she does at this specific location which bugs me a tiny bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To clarify I for my part am a person that likes to share my day with my significant other. I tell her almost everything I do, when I go somewhere, what I got planned etc. It has nothing to do with someone being jealous or something like that, I just like doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So on the other hand when my SO after not hearing from her the whole day writes &quot;yeah I got some stuff to do&quot; it hurts me a bit because I want to be part of her day a bit, and it feels like she does not want to tell me what she is doing.&#xA;We do not really keep secrets from each other and talk A LOT when together about everything so this is no trust issue but it sometimes feels bad to me personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are able to talk about it if someone has issues with something so this is normally no problem, but this feels to me a bit silly and small and actually no fault on her part because she doesn't have to report to me of course. It just feels bad for me sometimes. (Especially when she writes without smileys suddenly, and I know this sounds incredibly silly, sorry.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;So how can I communicate to my SO that such vague answers after not hearing from each other the whole day hurt me a bit?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="321" LastEditDate="2019-07-09T11:25:35.933" LastActivityDate="2020-06-02T22:04:41.753" Title="How to tell girlfriend that vague answers about her day leave a bad feeling in me?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19782" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19780" CreationDate="2018-11-07T16:08:31.670" Score="8" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Try direct and honest dialog.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's great that you are working on this sort of issue and care about building a healthy trusting relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to avoid getting &quot;Fine, I'm doing some things&quot; you need to make it easier for her to tell you why you're getting that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I want to make it clear that I acknowledge and understand that you are a busy hard-working person and I respect that. I think that sometimes I have more free time during my work than you have during yours. Sometimes when we talk when you're at work I get pretty general responses like &quot;I am doing things&quot;. Can you tell me why that is?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;em&gt;listen&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;do not criticise her response&lt;/em&gt;  and hear her out. She might be busy, she might have negative connotations for text messages during work, she might consider it unprofessional to text or she might prefer face-to-face time. We really don't &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; why she is doing that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is important that you hear her out and acknowledge her reasons. If she responses with an &quot;I don't know&quot; you can respond with &quot;Let's think about this together, I'm here for you&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank her for telling you why she is responding this way and then approach the subject:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, thank you for sharing these reasons with me. It makes me feel worried when I get these sort of responses from you. Do you think that we can figure out a way together to address your issues X, Y and Z?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then again - listen to her and hear her out. It is important for the relationship that you trust each other enough to be vulnerable with each other so I recommend that you reward her willingness to share with your behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think of a way together to address it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember: Trust isn't about having fun together - it's about trusting each other to be on each other's side (even when you are apart). Practice being vulnerable with each other and hearing each other out non-judgmentally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-11-07T16:08:31.670" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19783" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-07T16:10:54.090" Score="1" ViewCount="330" Body="&lt;p&gt;Long story short, I have anxiety when in groups of large people, unless I know them all very well. Each year everyone at my work (about 20 people in total) goes to an office Christmas lunch. This is the second one that I've been to since I've only worked here for about a year. Last year, as a brand new employee, it took everything in me just to force myself to go and it didn't go very smoothly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I came into the restaurant last year I could see that in our reserved area there were two tables already full and two empty. So I wandered up to one and asked one of the only people that I knew if I was allowed to sit anywhere and he said &quot;yeah&quot;. So I decided to sit alone at the table next to them. This was very uncomfortable and embarrassing, even though I don't actually mind sitting alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Within a couple minutes the same guy I asked jokingly said &quot;that's too sad&quot; and then changed tables to mine. I know he was trying to be friendly, but that only made me more embarrassed. Eventually a third guy and his family arrived which I knew and decided to sit with the two of us. The rest of the time went alright, but with some awkward conversation here and there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I get over my anxiety for another one of these lunches and hopefully not be so awkward, especially after my experience last year?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22840" LastEditorUserId="7091" LastEditDate="2018-11-08T20:53:46.637" LastActivityDate="2018-11-08T20:53:46.637" Title="How to get over anxiety for an upcoming Christmas lunch at work?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-11-07T19:17:50.170" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19784" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19783" CreationDate="2018-11-07T16:34:45.127" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to start by saying that social anxiety is a very common problem to have. Both your feelings and your response last year are entirely reasonable and valid. Social Anxiety &lt;a href=&quot;https://adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;affects about 1 in 18 people&lt;/a&gt; and anxiety affects about 1 in 5 people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is really great that you are interested in addressing your issue and that you have already taken a first step by asking here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I get over my anxiety for another one of these lunches and hopefully not be so awkward, especially after my experience last year?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all - there isn't a &quot;one trick solution&quot; for overcoming social anxiety. There isn't a single thing I can say that could make it &quot;go away&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second thing - this is something you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; work on and improve substantially. I have seen people transform their responses to anxiety and show substantial improvement over time using techniques of desensitisation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Stuff you can do alone&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are exercises you can do for working on your social anxiety. I am using the Oxford sheets but there are some others. Here is a link to the [Oxford worksheet]&#xA;(&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.oxfordclinicalpsych.com/view/10.1093/med:psych/9780195336696.001.0001/med-9780195336696-appendix-2&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://www.oxfordclinicalpsych.com/view/10.1093/med:psych/9780195336696.001.0001/med-9780195336696-appendix-2&lt;/a&gt;) you can also get the book.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is also the &lt;a href=&quot;https://dareresponse.com/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;DARE&lt;/a&gt; response which basically tells you to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Answer &quot;What if&quot; questions like &quot;What if I'm there and there is no one I can talk to&quot; with &quot;So what?&quot;s.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Accept your anxiety for what it is.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Run towards the anxiety and say &quot;I am excited by feeling social anxiety&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Carry on and engage with the dinner.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Interpersonal skills you can apply&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Gather your resources&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing that helps is planning ahead of time what you're going to do. Preferably if there is someone at your workplace you trust you can &lt;em&gt;tell them&lt;/em&gt; that you would like their help:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I have a hard time finding myself in large social gatherings and do better in smaller events. I really like the company and want to figure out how to participate in the Christmas party. Can I count on you for discourse during the party?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Prepare&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about interesting things that have happened to you in the last few weeks and you feel comfortable talking about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Have a plan for if anxiety happens&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a neat trick from dialectical therapy. If you become very anxious which is perfectly normal and happens to some people - it is good to plan for it. A self-soothing plan that includes something that doesn't distract you too much can really help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example - you can write down on a piece of paper something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If I get anxious, I will go to the restroom, pull out my phone and headphones and listen to the jazz song X. Then, I will take 10 long breaths.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4527" LastActivityDate="2018-11-07T16:34:45.127" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19785" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19780" CreationDate="2018-11-07T19:12:55.397" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to propose a bit of a frame shift for this question because as a more introverted person I can completely relate to your significant other.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it's important for you to realize that texting takes time (yes, its very small for a single text but conversations are rarely done in one or two messages) and effort to read and come up with your response and in that time you are taking their attention away from whatever else is going on around them. This means if they are at work, school, or just taking time to themselves to relax you're interrupting that for them.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my personal experience I would suggest that the best way to get a more involved conversation with your girlfriend would be to ask her for some of her time later to catch up, don't assume to take her time right that moment, you could even ask to make it a regular thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;hey, feels like it's been a quiet day, do you have time tonight to catch up?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way the conversation can be completed in just a few texts for her to say yes or no and a time perhaps and then she can return to whatever she has to do. Later when you're talking you're likely to get much better responses from her because she's agreed to the time it'll take to text a longer conversation.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could always go for the old school method and call her or skype her too though. Depending on what she is doing it can be much less disruptive to call and talk rather than having to read and write in addition to getting through more conversation in less time talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-11-07T19:12:55.397" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19787" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-07T21:34:13.970" Score="1" ViewCount="297" Body="&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to compliment someone who noticeable appears to have lost weight?&#xA;Also, is this appropriate if the other person has not vocalized that they were attempting weight loss so one is not aware of their lifestyle changes?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same sex and opposite sex?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7579" LastActivityDate="2018-11-07T23:38:31.290" Title="Compliment person on apparent loss of weight" Tags="&lt;compliments&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-11-08T09:34:42.090" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19788" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19787" CreationDate="2018-11-07T22:47:18.530" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sex is not so much an issue as your familiarity with the person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case where you are friends but not that close (Extension from them not telling you that they are trying to lose weight) The best and most socially common line is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;You're looking really good these days.&amp;quot; You can add some salt and pepper like a &amp;quot;wow&amp;quot; at the start, but that is the basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are closer and they have shared the fact that they are on a diet, then it might be okay to make a direct comment like &amp;quot;That diet is really working&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;wow you have lost a lot of weight&amp;quot; but in general even these are kind of awkward because they lead to a trap:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1: Wow that diet is really working, you are looking great&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2: I still have a long way to go&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a trap because either you say they look good now and they are not happy themselves, then you are a liar in their eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you say agree (You have said you still think they are overweight)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now there are some recoverable lines here, and again it depends on familiarity, but in general it is probably best to avoid the issue directly and give them a general comment about their aesthetic.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Either way it is important to understand the purpose and use of compliments and when to use them. And as a general rule the first option is the standard social interaction for almost all scenarios I can think of here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-07T22:47:18.530" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19789" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19787" CreationDate="2018-11-07T23:38:31.290" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Losing weight is a constant effort followed with a lot ups and downs. Anyone who makes the effort (and the effort shows), then it is very likely that they &lt;strong&gt;would love to hear a nice word because it confirm their effort&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously it depends on the level of proximity you have with that person and how much weight they have lost but generally speaking, here are 2 strategies to compliment:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;passive&lt;/strong&gt;: &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;hey, I noticed you lost some weight and wonder if I can ask you few&#xA;  questions about it. First of all, I must tell you - it looks awesome!&#xA;  and I wonder what type of training you're taking/diet etc&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;active&lt;/strong&gt; [high proximity]. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John, hats off, wow! I love it, you're truly amazing! [engaging conversation comes here]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think sex is an issue here (but as always, use good judgment)  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastActivityDate="2018-11-07T23:38:31.290" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19790" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19737" CreationDate="2018-11-08T05:19:21.540" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would prefer it if he moved out. That means if he wants to stay with me I would accept that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For discussions you should draw a clear line in this statement.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Telling to accept gives him an argument to stay. But for you this means you are not really ok with it, you'd only try to take it calmly. But looking closer you want him to move out actually.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;How long do you think this will work? Things already are not so &quot;calm&quot;. You see problems arising, will they resolve? I don't think so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you talk to him address the problems you see. Don't say &quot;but if you want...&quot; because this is an end of discussion for him.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Help him to find a place, don't set a too tight timeline but stay tuned to the situation. Make clear to him that the situation will evolve to &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; accepting this any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-11-08T05:19:21.540" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19791" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19793" CreationDate="2018-11-08T08:51:23.010" Score="1" ViewCount="699" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My parents want me and my fiance to move in city &lt;strong&gt;A&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My fiance and I want to live in city &lt;strong&gt;B&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm financially dependent on my parents, so they have the upper hand. Not totally dependent, but I need their help to buy/rent a place&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;City A and B are roughly 40 miles away. City A is a small town where my parents live. City B is a metropolitan area. Housing prices in city B are much higher&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I work in city B and currently commute between city A and city B, since I live with my parents&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My fiance is looking for a job in city B, so, possibly she will be working in city B too&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My fiance and I think that it doesn't make sense to commute between city A and B due to commute cost and wasted time and energy&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I already tried&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I talked to my parents, they are very stubborn. They don't want to spend any money in city B. They only help if city A is going to be our residence. I didn't tell them what my fiance thinks. I just told them &lt;strong&gt;my own&lt;/strong&gt; opinion/reasoning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I communicate my choice to my parents and retain their support?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13489" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-08T18:19:35.203" Title="How to tell my parents I want to live in another city and ask them for their support" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19793" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19791" CreationDate="2018-11-08T10:55:06.770" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;We can't tell you which option to take, because that isn't what we do here. The &lt;em&gt;interpersonal solution&lt;/em&gt; to your problem is to talk to your parents about it in a way that will bring you as close to your goal as possible - that is to state your preference to your parents in a way that will avoid dispute and hopefully still receive their blessing and support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems that your parents are still, to a degree at least, treating you like a child. This isn't an unusual problem by any means, so don't think bad of them. Fact is, you are engaged to be married. You are about to become a family of your own, just as your parents once did. The trick is convincing them of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One hindrance to that is your financial dependence on them. While you need their financial support, they are more likely to feel like they are still parenting you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you do, &lt;strong&gt;don't&lt;/strong&gt; go with your option 2 of blaming the move on your fiance. That might have long-lasting repercussions both on their relationship with your wife-to-be and between &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; and your wife-to-be!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best option would be to try and show your parents that City B is the best choice and hope for their support; but if they absolutely will not help then resolve to do that anyway without their support - perhaps taking more time to see if your fiance can get a job there, rather than your suggested option of seeking sub-standard accommodation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In everything you say and do, show your parents that you and your fiance are a &lt;strong&gt;family unit&lt;/strong&gt; now, and that you make decisions &lt;strong&gt;together&lt;/strong&gt;. For example, you could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Fiance] and I have discussed where we need to live. Neither of us want a long commute, and so we have decided to live in [City B]. She will look for work there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they object, don't get angry or cause divisions. What you say and do should maintain peace, because you have to think about the relationship you are all going to have for years to come. You might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry that you feel that way. We will always take your feelings into consideration, but we are getting married and starting a life together now, and so we have to do what is best for us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they talk about withdrawing their financial support, your goal here should not be to heap guilt on them, or to use &quot;emotional blackmail&quot;. Just be completely matter-of-fact and honest. You might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, that is what we have decided we must do, with or without your help. With your help we could set up in [City B] sooner, but if you don't want to help that is fine, it just sets us back a little.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of these suggestions show:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That you and your fiance are &lt;em&gt;united&lt;/em&gt; in your decision&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That you do not &quot;expect&quot; their financial support but are grateful for it&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;That their feelings are important to you, but secondary to the &lt;em&gt;joint goals&lt;/em&gt; of you and your fiance.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By all means, adapt these suggestions to suit your circumstances, but avoid any insincerity - that is, do not say you are going to do anything that you are either not prepared to do or financially unable to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-11-08T11:12:36.997" LastActivityDate="2018-11-08T11:12:36.997" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19798" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-09T13:28:13.710" Score="-2" ViewCount="333" Body="&lt;p&gt;Her boyfriend was really manipulative and worked on every possible factor that could make 'him' 'look bad' in her eyes. So he literally did everything in his power to eliminate all people from her life at our school to keep her away from his own 'deeds' he did behind her back. I was also one of those friends she was restricted to talk to. Finally, we decided to talk only in our colony premises and while he or an of his friends weren't around and pretended to have a 'fight', not many people knew about our 'plan'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But he was really cunning and he felt we talked and heard from a few others who are  his friends and thorough with the story. So he blamed her again and again but she still lied and so did I. There was this girl who my friend never like around her boyfriend but he never listened to her. He used to sneek behind her back and meet and be friendly with her, she knew it but didn't want to fight over this never-ending situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So this Monday, apparently her once-good friend also started spilling her secrets to her boyfriend and he in turn is my friend's boyfriend's best friend and obviously told him. That guy was furious for talking and believing people he had restricted her to. So he broke up and abused her so badly she couldn't stop crying. I couldn't see her like this and supported her the next day along with our another common best friend. We were all by her side but my stupidity surfaced when they saw a picture of 'her ex' with that girl he was supposed to stay away from in a very inappropriate pose on social media. She was broken and realized he was cheating on her all this 1 year and some months. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And I misunderstood that picture to be a private picture of my friend's and mistakenly told my boyfriend, who in turn told her ex's best friend and so yesterday or so he got to know and must have raged on her. I thought she had deactivated her social media so I called her and she explained what happened after my boyfriend told that guy. She was sad and feeling guilty that she lied to him and told me when she hadn't told anyone about the 'private picture' I understand my mistake but I don't know how to fix things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has said we are done! I don't want to lose another friend as I have always been losing all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She isn't talking to me and I think she's back with that guy, I can't even confront my boyfriend because then it'd get complicated and transferred further. I was stupid but what now?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is my bestest friend since past 2 years and a very supportive friend since 4 years. I don't want to see her alone and lose her. She has isolated herself from everyone else. How can I save my relationship with her? Please help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22853" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-09T13:39:16.477" LastActivityDate="2018-11-09T13:56:52.563" Title="I had a dispute with my friend who has recently been through a break up. How can I save the relationship?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-11T05:13:18.503" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19799" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19798" CreationDate="2018-11-09T13:56:52.563" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question is a little hard to follow, but if I grasp the basics:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have a dear friend A who has a boyfriend B who is horrible and abusive and doesn't want her to have any other friends, especially ones who are aware that he is horrible and tell her about it. He has tried in the past to keep you apart, and now he has succeeded. She isn't talking to you, and she is with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can you do about this? Almost certainly nothing. You're not a professional counselor, and even if you were, she isn't asking you for help freeing herself from an abusive relationship. You have no power over B to make him less horrible. You don't even know exactly why she is choosing to be with B when this means not seeing friends like you any more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention being in school. This kind of thing - having to choose between romantic relationships and friendships, getting caught up with friends who don't want the best for you or romantic partners who don't want the best for you, and not realizing that at first, people cheating and lying and betraying and sharing things you thought were private, people sneaking around and revealing things only to hurt others - this is pretty common in the late teens and early twenties of most people's lives. The pain is real. And this isn't something that can be fixed by saying the right thing, or revealing the right secret, or getting one other person on your side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tell your friend that you care for her. You can tell her that you want to be friends again whenever she wants it. (Don't say &quot;when you're done with B&quot; or &quot;when you come to your senses&quot;.) Then you can continue to live a happy and full life, and be a good example of a healthy person. Things change pretty quickly at this time of life, and you may be friends again or you may not. Don't put your life on hold over this; don't give B power over you as well as A. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-11-09T13:56:52.563" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19801" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-09T14:32:08.117" Score="14" ViewCount="702" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently started on a new team, with a single fellow developer. Under the motto of 'getting her up to speed as quick as possible', my co-worker has spent the past week sitting at my desk (open office space, yet a few desks reserved for the team so he's always close) and telling me what to write down. And by that I mean spelling everything out, he's not telling me 'this is what your code should do' but he's literally telling me to write down &lt;code&gt;System.out.println(&quot;Hello World&quot;);&lt;/code&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not new when it comes to the language I'm programming in, so I don't need this kind of heavy guidance. He's explaining me things I already know, telling me to write down things I already know perfectly well how to write down. When he &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt; end up explaining/mentioning some new trick, his way of 'explaining' allows very little/ no time to actually write stuff down or practice, so information has a very low chance of actually being retained well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He's constantly asking (every 15/30 minutes, sometimes every hour) to see code that isn't finished yet, tells me the bits that are done are great, and then just goes on to dictate the next step, the next line of code, that I haven't had time to develop on my own yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the past week, I've tried to convince him that I am in fact, capable of doing a lot of the stuff he has been explaining to me and that it may be more productive if he started working on his own portion of work for this sprint. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I started by simply asking:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;'Thank you. I think I got the rest of this, mind if I try on my own for a while? I'll let you know if I need your help'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, I've pointed out directly that this way of working isn't productive. I've met his remarks with 'I know', I've typed ahead without him saying anything. I've shown that I can do stuff on my own, I've also shown that I will ask him for help as soon as I get seriously stuck (even a few times figuring out what was the problem before he did). I've asked him multiple times to let me figure things out on my own, then showing that I am indeed capable of doing so, which he seems to confirm. Sometimes it results in being able to work on my own for 10 minutes, sometimes for up to an hour, sometimes it doesn't seem to register and he just continues talking. But he always checks in really soon after. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a bit at a loss here, as he's not giving me signals that he thinks I'm actually a bad programmer that needs this heavy guidance, nor are there any signals that he thinks I'm e.g. working too slow. The only reason I got from him for doing this is 'that I want you up to speed as soon as possible'. When I asked directly if my current pace of working is too slow, I got a 'no, not at all' and a 'now, type this:...'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Given what I've already tried, and his reactions to it, would there be any other way to persuade my co-worker to let me do my work and that he should focus on his own work?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know I can always escalate this to management/scrum masters, but I'd really like to make one last attempt without a mention of escalating if at all possible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-11-09T16:07:48.183" LastActivityDate="2018-11-09T16:10:42.090" Title="How to persuade a coworker we both need to do our own work?" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;&lt;persuasion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="12" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19802" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19801" CreationDate="2018-11-09T15:04:40.843" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;Considering what you have already tried, you may have to escalate more, and tell him to leave you be. Here are some other ideas I had to let him be happy with what he's doing, and let you work on your own:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask him to write down the &lt;em&gt;tasks to be done that day&lt;/em&gt; (NOTE: NOT the specific code, just the function of the code, with a few notes on what to use, etc), and then leave you alone with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to try something new today! Can you write out what I need to do today, and then I'll just go ahead and do that, and you can continue work on your part, so we can do this job twice as fast! It's really not productive for two people to be programming one thing. I would rather each of us focus on what we need to do. Write down the top (any number) 5-10 tasks to do, and I'll tell you what I can do. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he comes back and checks on you, you can then insist for him to leave you alone and you will come to him when you have a question, and that you appreciate all the help he's given so far. Something along the lines of this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He comes over and starts telling you what to type&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you just give me time to complete the main tasks to be done today, and I'll come to you if I have any questions? Thank you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he continues, interrupt him and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I will have to insist that you leave me be for the time being because I have this list of tasks to do that I understand what to do. Again, if I have any questions, I know who to ask. Please leave me be and let's get rolling on this project! What parts have you finished so far? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Diverting his attention to his part may be a tactic that works, because you can assert you are familiar enough with the tasks, but at the same time tell him that he needs to do his part as well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he is still insistent, something like this may help, as a last resort&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sir, I asked you to leave me be until I have questions, so I can do work. I'm feeling frustrated when you tell me what to do even though I have capability to do this coding work. I will come to you when I have questions, and have a good afternoon. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stop the conversation right there. Just ignore him and look at the computer, move to another desk, etc. to show that you are indeed frustrated and need space to concentrate. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This method feels a bit cold shouldered, but maybe later on during a break (if he successfully leaves you alone) you can express to him how appreciative you are of his trusting you to do the work on your own, and emphasizing that if you have any questions you will go to him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to let you know that I really appreciated the space you gave me earlier for concentration, and I got X, Y, and Z done! You can check the code for X, Y, Z while I work on A, B, and C. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This reinforces and rewards the space he gave you with compliments and continues to reinforce your boundary of you deciding who can dictate what to write and when.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastActivityDate="2018-11-09T15:04:40.843" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19803" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19801" CreationDate="2018-11-09T16:10:42.090" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're going to have to ask him politely but directly to stop it - and be prepared to refuse to negotiate. You can leave him an escape hatch to get out of the situation without feeling blamed, but any opening beyond that would just undermine your goals. Just don't move on until it's stopped for the moment, and don't let it start again without repeating something similar.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sure you're just trying to help, but I know what I'm doing and in order to get my work done I need to work alone. I'll let you know if I have any questions, and please assume I don't need help otherwise. If you want to check in on progress, let's set up [daily/weekly/whatever] one-on-ones [or use the tracker, or whatever makes the most sense in your context].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, there are pretty much two main motivations for behavior like his:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;he actually thinks you need or would welcome that sort of &quot;help&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;it's just an excuse to be at your desk talking to you&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That is, he severely underestimates your competence (and overestimates his) and/or he is not even treating you as a coworker. These are of course not mutually exclusive, and underlying this there could be any mix of incompetence and deliberateness and malice. Regardless, the key point is that he's fundamentally not coming at it from a perspective that works for you, and so actual correction is necessary, not just a diplomatic negotiation. He needs to know that you can do your own work (and want to), and he needs to know that you're there to work, not to sit at your desk and talk. And he needs to be told it in a way that doesn't leave any room to turn it into a debate, or a defense of his motives.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;His response may narrow down whether or not it's just incompetence - people who do these things deliberately tend not to want to change their minds or their behavior, and may get defensive or argumentative - but fortunately in this case you're in a workplace so you have others there whose job it is to support you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2798" LastActivityDate="2018-11-09T16:10:42.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19805" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19806" CreationDate="2018-11-09T17:40:12.607" Score="2" ViewCount="4464" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even though I'm not a gym addict, I'm a very active person, who does regular exercise, walks a lot, etc. However, my boyfriend is extremely lazy (doesn't exercise, prefers driving to walking). I suggested many times going to the beach together, renting bikes, but he always says &quot;another time&quot;. Sometimes I manage to persuade him to walk, but he always makes me feel like I'm pushing him to it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He really needs to start taking care of his body and health, but I don't know how to make him want to do that himself. How can I talk to him about improving his health?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22855" OwnerDisplayName="Andromeda" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-10T07:59:42.433" LastActivityDate="2018-11-10T07:59:42.433" Title="How to get my boyfriend to workout?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;physical-health&gt;&lt;exercise&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="7" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19806" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19805" CreationDate="2018-11-09T21:44:10.580" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your issue is really a difference in lifestyles.  When I was in sports in college, it was a challenge to convince my girlfriend that I needed to take the time to engage in training instead of spending it with her.  I suspect that you have that issue as well - you don't want to give up your active lifestyle for a more sedentary life, and he sees no reason to become more active.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your question, however has 2 different facets.  You want him to be more active, and also end on &quot;improving his health&quot;.  The first can be fun; the second is (to me) more inclusive of not only activity but also diet, regular medical checkups, and other health-related things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So let's focus on the activity side of things and assume that he doesn't have a reason for being sedentary (ie sleep apnea, depression, arthritis, or something else).  We men are a pretty stubborn bunch.  If we think something works for us, we stay with it.  So nagging and driving him to be more active will be somewhat effective in the short term and on individual activities, but won't lead to more lasting changes.  It will also badly effect your relationship.  Really, you want to have him decide to do these with you and make it enjoyable for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first thing I'd suggest doing is counterintuitive: let up a little bit.  If you're not pushing as hard, most guys will tend to resist less.  Yes, you care, but making him more resistant to change isn't doing what needs to be done.  So take a step back.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing that my wife and I have done that has worked out well is to invite one another into our lives and do so gradually.  She's making me into a soccer fan, a game she loves, by enjoying the games and encouraging me to watch for a few minutes.  I watch, enjoy her company, and then move on after a few minutes.  But the intervals are growing, and I have attended a couple games with her.  Had she demanded I go with her, I would have but not enjoyed it.  By her playing the long game, I was able to decide for myself to go with her and allowed myself to have a good time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep in mind also that he's not in as good of shape as you.  So a short walk for you may be pretty arduous for him.  But again, invite him in.  Take a 5-minute walk alone.  Then invite him with - invite, don't demand.  Or tell him you're going to the park for a short time.  Or go to the back yard and kick the soccer ball around for a couple minutes.  The key is for you to do something you enjoy, do it in bursts where he can feel like he's participated but not totally exhausted from it, and gradually work up as he gets in better shape. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, and this is important: do not make these activities into a big thing.  That's a reason that I resisted doing some things initially - it was a big production to do something with her.  In order to do something, we had to first do this, and then do that, and then after what seemed like an eternity of preparation we could finally do the thing we started out to do.  I was worn out just from getting ready!  So help him ease into it.   For example: if it's a 5- minute walk, do you really need to do x, y, and then Z?  Or can you just pick up and go?  That has also helped the both of us become more active.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-11-09T21:44:10.580" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19807" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-10T00:56:44.970" Score="1" ViewCount="717" Body="&lt;p&gt;Me and my Godmother have known each other for a year. During a year, she has helped me a lot, unconditionally love me and support me. We always help each other.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, two weeks ago, we had a serious argument, which was about she wants to take a break and have space as she has to fix the issue between her and her husband, in the meantime, she has to help her brother. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, she also told me her husband doesn't like me, he said something very bad about me. At that time, I was upset and mad. I felt hurt about the way her husband has treated me. Also, I was afraid of she will abandon me. Then I was out of control and shouting at her, questioning her. I was hoping we can discuss it calmly, however, I expressed my feeling in a improper way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I didn't understand her difficulty. I emotionally pushed her to the corner, she is overwhelmed and very sick. Until now, we haven't talked to each other (she has blocked my number, unfollowed and unfriend me from social media). She even said I'm not her Goddaughter. Yesterday was my birthday, I didn't receive any messages from her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I really don't know what I can/should do to rebuild our relationship. As I really hope she can address the issue between her and her husband. Also we can mend our relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how can I apologize and have a discussion with her in order to fix our relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22859" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-10T08:13:13.583" LastActivityDate="2018-11-10T08:13:13.583" Title="My Godmother has &quot;cut off ties&quot; with me. How can I apologize in order to fix the relationship?" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19808" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19755" CreationDate="2018-11-10T00:57:26.230" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;For someone who has autism these interactions are less accessible than for most people. And there is not really a simple solution, unfortunately. This isn't impossible, but a person on the spectrum may need to jump through a couple of hoops.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You may need to get to know them fairly well first - long enough where you can either pick up on their cues more easily, or where they know you well enough to understand that their cues need to be more obvious. But, of course, that takes time.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another approach is to try to think of this process a lot less seriously. If you are open about your intentions, they may be put off by it; however, if you are open, but with some degree of humor about it, they will understand that it is not a big deal to either of you - and will feel free to reject you or laugh it off without worrying about opening up a whole can of awkwardness. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be a good idea to ask them out when you are having a fun conversation - for instance, you are both sitting there laughing at something, then &lt;em&gt;at the end of the conversation&lt;/em&gt;, you go &quot;Say, want to get a beer one of these days?&quot;  If they say yes, good. Suggest a time / place. If they say no or hesitate, say &quot;hey, it's totally cool. No worries :)&quot; Then leave to do your thing. Then later, say hi and have a normal conversation with them as though nothing happened (because really, nothing happened). This will let them know it's fine, and you are not obsessed with them. Do not bring it up again. Let them bring it up, if they feel like it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously that's just one abstract example of an interaction. But the point is, if you don't take it seriously, it takes a great deal of pressure away from both of you. In truth, most people &lt;em&gt;like&lt;/em&gt; being liked. They just don't like the awkwardness that often goes with not liking someone back, or with the idea that someone is obsessed with them. If you remove that awkwardness, things get a lot more pleasant. However, you probably don't want to wait until you develop an obsession, since that will make it very difficult to have genuine humor about it.  And, in both 1 and 2, you would need to actively interact with them first. Luckily, that is also true for most people - autism or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9999" LastEditorUserId="9999" LastEditDate="2018-11-10T01:17:57.153" LastActivityDate="2018-11-10T01:17:57.153" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19809" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19807" CreationDate="2018-11-10T01:46:21.017" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are 5 things that comes from your post:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's a person that helps other people &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You made a mistake by pushing the limits&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You acknowledge the mistake &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You're looking for a way to rebuild your relationship with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She's gone dark (she's not communicating with you) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The biggest hurdle here is that she has blocked you on every possible dimensions and refuse to communicate with you. Her husband is her closest ally I can't speculate why he's against you but I'm sure you know why he choose this position. (or at least can make a very good intuitive guest) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To your question: &lt;strong&gt;Time&lt;/strong&gt; is the only medicine here. You need to respect her and give her the time she needs to cool off. It's unfortunate but any trial to communicate with her at the moment will result in elevating the problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've made a mistake and you admit it. That's great news! One day you can come back and sincerely apologize. From what you wrote about her, I have high confidence that she will forgive you. But you need to distant yourself at the moment and reflect yourself on the outcome. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastActivityDate="2018-11-10T01:46:21.017" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19814" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19816" CreationDate="2018-11-10T18:40:28.317" Score="-1" ViewCount="625" Body="&lt;p&gt;My question is about the one of my friend. She want to buy a laptop as I have two laptop. One for the university use and one for my home use. She ask me to buy my another laptop as I said I have my personal data on that laptop, So I don't want to give her. How I refuse a request of my friend to give my laptop?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22821" LastActivityDate="2018-11-11T01:10:44.420" Title="How I refuse a request of my friend to give my laptop?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-11-12T03:54:31.057" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19816" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19814" CreationDate="2018-11-11T01:10:44.420" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;The question is by itself pretty simple and the answer is also pretty simple.  She wants to buy a laptop from you.  Is it for sale?  If not, then the response is also quite simple: &quot;it's not for sale&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are other issues that we need to be concerned with, they should be included in the question.  If she wants you to give her a laptop, the answer is also similar: &quot;I'm not giving away my laptop&quot;.  Whatever response she makes to either answer, merely repeat your response.  Eventually she'll realize that she has no claim on your property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if you lose her as a friend over this, good riddance.  Real friends don't demand things from their friends and then refuse to accept &quot;no&quot; as an answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-11-11T01:10:44.420" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19819" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-11-12T01:30:25.610" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Answer from a male perspective:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always ask my wife that if she decides to put makeup - make sure it's a &lt;em&gt;touch&lt;/em&gt; of makeup and never too much. Honestly, sometimes I see other female with significant amount of makeup (layers or whatever you call it) and they look very good! however, if you remove their make up, they look completely different (example on youtube: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYp4AFz7zhA&amp;amp;t=90s&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;makeup before and after&lt;/a&gt;). So the make up is an issue of taste and I understand why you would prefer not to use makeup. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now back to your question and just &lt;strong&gt;to give a different angle&lt;/strong&gt; and answer the title question without repeating what was said already (after all it was posted 6 months ago). If you don't want to go into the &lt;em&gt;convincing you&lt;/em&gt; mode - you can always go along the lines of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know, I have some sort of allergies to most makeup and the one I rarely&#xA;  use is usually very expensive and I tend to use them in special&#xA;  occasion if any. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Point is: No one will argue with you about allergies.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One can argue that this is a white-lie but the idea here is to avoid the 'they &lt;strong&gt;try to convince me part'&lt;/strong&gt; read more about &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHZL_enUS703US703&amp;amp;ei=P9boW4SVHYS-ggegz4D4AQ&amp;amp;q=makeup%20allergies&amp;amp;oq=makeup%20allergies&amp;amp;gs_l=psy-ab.3..35i39j0j0i7i30l8.8044.8300..8605...0.0..0.90.169.2......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71j35i304i39.UFnHpwg63Ew&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;makeup-allergies&lt;/a&gt; so you can have a great story. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-12T07:20:11.800" LastActivityDate="2018-11-12T07:20:11.800" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19821" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19760" CreationDate="2018-11-12T13:09:44.567" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a musician I sometimes have to be in some church or other place of worship. I'm an atheist so I do not want to take part in any way; for one thing it would be against my principles, and for another it would be pretty disrespectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When they all start doing stuff I stay sitting quietly with my head a bit down. Generally the music is at the side or the back so no-one really notices. If asked I'll say, no, I don't belong to [this organisation]. If there's a songbook I might sing along, though, because I like singing. When it's over I sort of slope off discreetly and wait outside.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1737" LastActivityDate="2018-11-12T13:09:44.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19822" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-12T13:41:12.720" Score="2" ViewCount="168" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am in a group of friends of 5 people. We're all white, male, in our mid to late twenties. The group was formed from working together on the same group projects at the university. Obviously, over time, friendships are formed and the level of comfort within the group increases. It is common to make jokes amongst ourselves and just talk about random topics. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lately, I've begun to notice that one member (let's call him Bob) of the group tends to occasionally make racially insensitive remarks. They haven't been necessarily malicious but they are of quite poor taste. Now, I understand that sometimes people let loose in a group of friends and make jokes that you maybe wouldn't make anywhere else, however it makes me feel uncomfortable and even embarrassed whenever Bob makes the jokes that he has been making.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Couple of examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Another friend (Charlie) was approached in the gym by a black woman offering to play ping-pong with him. From what Charlie said, the woman seemed to have an unusual laugh and voice which made Charlie laugh and tell us all about in the group chat, which in itself is fine - sometimes you meet a person that has a weird trait and it makes you laugh, fine. However, when discussing the matter, Bob jumped in and felt it was necessary to bring that woman's skin color into the discussion. He went as far as comparing the woman to an ape and then making a generalization that all black people are apes. - Not only does it feel in extremely poor taste but also ignorant. Humans have all evolved from apes so why was there a need to say specifically that black people are apes?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) A slightly vulgar comic was shared in our group chat about a white farmer molesting his sheep. Bob didn't appreciate the comic because it was &quot;factually incorrect&quot;. He felt like the skin color of the farmer was not accurate. He didn't specify which skin color it should've been but made it clear that the skin color of the farmer should be changed for the comic to be funny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all live in Europe in the same city so growing up we weren't really exposed to diversity. However, you would think that someone obtaining their master's degree would have a little bit more sense and acceptance in them. Not only are Bob's racial jokes unfunny and offensive, they also make him sound ignorant and like a racist. I also feel embarrassed for him because I feel like if anyone outside from our group saw those jokes, they would think Bob is a moron and by association so would everyone else in the group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The other people in the group do not seem to be bothered by it. They don't encourage Bob but they surely don't make it known that the jokes are in poor taste. Generally they insert a generic smiley as a reaction to those jokes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've made it known that I am bothered by these jokes (specifically said it after the 1st example). As expected, the response was that I'm overreacting and people are just having fun. Any further Bob's jokes, I've just ignored to make it clear that I want no part in that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the question is, how am I supposed to deal with that kind of person? Bob is actually a nice person most of the time and his jokes are often funny, it's just that those specific jokes really bother me. So, how can I make Bob stop those racist jokes? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. I'm also not really a confrontational person so I'd often rather not confront someone about an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21196" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-12T14:26:28.233" LastActivityDate="2018-11-12T14:26:28.233" Title="How to make a friend stop his racists jokes?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;racial-issues&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-11-12T15:21:26.773" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19825" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-12T17:23:02.807" Score="1" ViewCount="432" Body="&lt;p&gt;I like to play a certain video game competitively and I've met a lot of friends by doing so. We usually have the same groups at local tournaments, so I've gotten to know these people enough to call them friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One in particular though--let's call him Bob--has severe anger issues. He knows he has a problem and is apparently trying to fix it, but it can be difficult to engage with him when little things can set him off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, just last night we were over at someone's house playing for fun (so the stakes were low) and in the middle of a match Bob paused and quit the game, threw down his controller and cursed out one of the other players since that player kept using the same move and it kept working. He later said that the profanities and him quitting the game are ways for him to cope so he doesn't &quot;have to turn around and punch&quot; the other player.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When the player offered to stop using that character, Bob said that would make him even more upset. It seems he doesn't want to feel like people have to treat him differently, so he definitely doesn't want any special treatment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob is actually a cool person when he's not upset and he's a lot of fun to play with. Not to mention he's an active member in the community for this game, so I'll definitely see him and play with him often. So simply avoiding him isn't an option. That being said...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When Bob starts to get visibly upset, how can I deescalate the situation and calm him down?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-11-12T19:32:18.183" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T18:47:46.440" Title="Calming a friend with an anger issue in a competitive environment" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;games&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19826" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-12T17:46:25.077" Score="9" ViewCount="2455" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think I'm in an intricate and precarious &lt;a href=&quot;https://ell.stackexchange.com/questions/80192/what-is-may-september-situation&quot;&gt;May-June/May-July situation&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A woman colleague, let's call her Mary, seems to have a crush on me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;clung to my arm while walking, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;tried to coyly sit right beside me in the corner at the company group meal, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;asked me if I like her or if I would be interested in older women, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;fawned over the young guy sitting behind me, like patting his head whenever I could catch a glimpse of the two, possibly in an attempt to make me jealous while also revealing something about herself, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;asked me a &quot;what do you see&quot; question that analyzes the personalities of the test takers, going over the positive aspects and agreeing with most of them except &quot;good at expressing one's innermost feelings&quot;, &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;and she did all of the above in the presence of several coworkers and a C-level executive, who I'll call Eric.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mary works at site A, sometimes visiting site B where I work as she oversees the project that I have been part of.&#xA;Now I've been reassigned by Eric to work on a new project full-time, and I would be sitting behind Mary.&#xA;He hasn't told me the details of the new project, just that they needed me, a rather inexperienced newcomer, to &quot;put off fire&quot;, and if I remember correctly, he also jokingly said something along the lines of &quot;I'm finding it hard to manage Mary, please help me&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, today I asked Eric if I could take a day off (so I could seek professional help from here, though I didn't give him a reason), to which he promptly and gladly granted permission, adding a &quot;wish you good luck&quot; at the end of the message.&#xA;I find this highly unusual and amusing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As amusing as this situation might be for reminiscence, I'm really anxious and feel that I, an introverted Chinese male dullard in his late twenties with virtually zero dating/life experience, lack so many necessary skills to properly reciprocate the affection of such a fine lady.&#xA;I'm also wary of the effect on productivity whether this relationship works out or not, not to mention possible gossips and hard feelings from coworkers. And there's still the possibility that everything is just my wishful thinking, a setup for entertainment or just a means to lighten up the mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going by the statistics, an office romance where the woman is older and has a higher education level than the man rarely ends well, though none of these really concerns the naive me now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far I have mostly been a bit cold and avoidant with her, i.e. no idle chit-chat, unless guided by Eric or initiated by Mary. I initially didn't have strong feelings for her and when I realized I do, still wanted to avoid office romance and remain &quot;professional&quot;, but it is getting increasingly harder and inhumane to continue this route.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This seems to upset her sometimes.&#xA;On the other hand, on the most recent account, I decided I couldn't concentrate anymore when she sighed after a short silence and came over to chat with the guy behind me, so I turned my body facing them and listened to their conversation, which quickly shifted towards me and I could see she was more talkative, playful and radiant for the rest of that day (don't know if it's a conscious effort on her part or not, but she also looked more appealing almost exactly a month ago).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've heard from either Mary herself or a colleague, that she isn't married yet and doesn't seem to want me to have an impression that she is &quot;boisterous&quot;. I've also heard people ask about her boyfriend, but I don't know the details.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to tread carefully to get on her good side and not upset or disappoint her if possible. So, how do I tell Mary that I like her and ask her to go out with me without getting permanently awkward or sounding creepy?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20306" LastEditorUserId="20306" LastEditDate="2019-03-30T07:56:33.213" LastActivityDate="2019-04-06T01:29:02.130" Title="How to tell a coworker that you would like to date them?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;approach&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;&lt;self-esteem&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19828" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19826" CreationDate="2018-11-12T20:07:42.460" Score="15" Body="&lt;p&gt;The age difference is not the problem.  The problem is that you are being positioned to have an in-office affair with a woman that is related to others in power.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, find out if it is part of a pattern.  It is unlikely that you are the first of Mary's interests.  It's even more odd that a company would &quot;help&quot; her be &quot;managed&quot; by arranging close proximity of potential sexual relations.  Odds are she has more power than you estimate, and if you can see what happened to the others she has had interest in before you, you'll probably find out what will happen to you (and how long it will take) there.  &lt;em&gt;Hint: You're not going to be somehow different, so don't trust in your optimism that it will go better for you.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, if you decide (against better judgement) to play such a game, just remember that she's managed to get you transferred to her team (indirectly, but she still managed it) and that when things go badly, they'll go really badly.  Odds are you will be the one that leaves in a bad way, as if they were going to get rid of her, they would have done it by now.  Relationships are harder to form with such imbalances of power, and without care, generally are formed in unhealthy ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for professionalism, she's perfectly happy not being professional about it, if she's perfectly happy carrying on in the workplace as you describe.  Asking her to become professional about it is asking her for something that she's not doing, and likely doesn't value doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After reviewing all of these concerns, if you still want to ask her out, at least you'll have a better picture of what you are in for.  It is easy to dream up successful scenarios, but you should really weigh the costs of unsuccessful scenarios with the likely hood they will happen.  You don't want to be the guy that got his promotions due to who he's sleeping with, and then got fired for the same thing (after she's had her fun).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And Eric doesn't have your back.  His &quot;put off fire&quot; is &quot;make Mary so busy she can't disrupt the others on the team&quot;.  He thinks you'll do it for the sex, but that's not a way for you to build a reputation as a person who gets projects done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To explain the &quot;related to others in power.&quot; Let's say you see a pretty girl, do you think you can talk your manager into getting her assigned to your project for the primary purpose of dating her? I would think no, so whatever she's got, it is a strong relationship (not necessarily a healthy one) with those in power. Do you think you could even get a seating arrangement near a girl of your choice? Probably not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to play your way out of this situation? Be clueless and hopeless. You said you have very little experience, so use the lack of experience to make her tire of you being a doof. If she flirts with you, panic. If she makes eyes with you, fail to notice. Eventually she'll find her next target, and you'll get a bit of breathing room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10404" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-13T13:29:58.897" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T13:29:58.897" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19831" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19840" CreationDate="2018-11-12T23:16:02.120" Score="0" ViewCount="554" Body="&lt;p&gt;I went on a social outing to a pub. I signed up to this social outing because it was in my area and I thought it would be fun and maybe I could make some friends. This person messaged me through the website I signed up for this outing beforehand and said he was looking forward to seeing me. I said you too (just being polite). I actually went to this outing because I wanted to, not because he was there, because I want to make new friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We were all talking, as in group talk, taking turns just shooting the breeze, not talking about anything in particular. And then one member of the group left the venue, and this person moved to sit next to me and started asking me questions one after the other. He seemed to know things about me that I hadn't told him, and I asked him how he knew these things, and he said he'd looked at my profile. So for example he said &quot;What are you doing for the rest of the day?&quot; And I didn't say much, then he said, &quot;Writing?&quot; And I said &quot;How do you know that?&quot; He paused for a moment and said &quot;I looked at your profile.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At that point I felt creeped out (it was an involuntary response) and started to grow uncomfortable in the face of his constant questioning. He kept up with what pets I own, where I grew up, what I do for a living, etc. It was making me uncomfortable. He was staring intently at me and the other people in the group were talking amongst themselves so he had broken us off from them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I gave very short, one word answers. He kept going, though, so I tried flipping it back at him immediately, i.e. if he asked 'do you like such-and-such?' I would say 'well, do you like such-and-such?' But he kept on with his questioning so I stared at the TV away from him. Then I thought this might seem a bit rude, so I focused my attention instead on someone else in the group who was talking to another person, and then he did too, and he finally stopped asking me questions. We all left soon after that so I was able to avoid being questioned by him any more. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later on after we left he sent another message saying he enjoyed seeing me and looked forward to seeing me again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really know him very well. I only met him once before. I have no idea what he's like; I'm sure he's a nice enough guy, I just really hate being interrogated. If anyone did that to me I would instantly find them repulsive and want to get away from them. This is just how I feel. I can't really help it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time we went to trivia (they invited me) but there were too many people so  they said, 'we'll split into two groups. So-and-so knows all the answers, we'll put him in a group on his own.' Then they kept saying, 'Who wants to be with so-and-so?' And I got the feeling they wanted me to say 'I do!' But after the first time and all the intense questioning, I really, really did not want to be alone with him. If he started asking me questions again I knew I would feel uncomfortable again so I stayed where I was. So another woman reluctantly got up and said, 'I will be with so-and-so.' &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the future, though, I may not be able to avoid him, so what can I do? How can I gently dissuade him from interrogating me, without hurting him or making the rest of the group think I'm stuck up? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22884" LastEditorUserId="22884" LastEditDate="2018-11-13T10:37:38.740" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T04:22:08.610" Title="When trying to break into a new social group, how can I gently dissuade someone in the group from isolating me and asking me question after question?" Tags="&lt;social-event&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19834" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19729" CreationDate="2018-11-13T01:56:07.647" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;No precisely on-topic, but important to mention: This situation sounds like a common blackmail scam which preys on dating site users and you could be teetering on the edge of being a victim of &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catfishing&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;catfishing&lt;/a&gt; and I advise caution and prudence.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether or not this person is real, asking for nudes before ever meeting is rather forward and unusual. Refusing to do so would be normal, &lt;em&gt;especially with somebody who you have never met in person&lt;/em&gt;. Turning down the request, but not shutting down the conversation can be achieved through redirection. Instead of making your response begin and end with turning down the request, transition into moving the flirting and date planning along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No thanks, you'll have to wait to see me in person for that ;D&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When's a good time for you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Flirtatious text conversations can and should leverage winking emoticons/emoji, as flirting is a playful and semi-serious form of interaction and thats what winking is all about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Back to off-topic stuff: This is probably catfishing unfortunately, asking for nudes before ever meeting is a big red flag. Even if they send explicit pictures, you are under no obligation to reciprocate, especially since its really easy to find explicit pictures on the internet and pretend that its you when you want to set people up for some blackmail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12145" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T01:56:07.647" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19835" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19825" CreationDate="2018-11-13T02:17:03.230" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I also have a friend like this. Whilst it is not in the competitive gaming sphere, it is when gaming, and the behavior is identical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Friend gets mad about someone or something in the game&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You or another offers to fix it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The original person gets stroppy and tries to play it off like its fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience the last part where they do not wish for special treatment and try to play it off like it is fine (Though it clearly is not) Is them realising the pettyness / how unreasonable they are being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not something that I have found a &amp;quot;Solution&amp;quot; to and as far as I can tell there is not a line to walk with them that results in diffusion of the situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;[This next part has some statements where I say &amp;quot;they&amp;quot; this should be read with an &amp;quot;In my experience as I cannot know for sure it is the same as what is happening to you]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best path forward is to not engage originally. In the first 'act' where they get angry about something, they are usually looking for a fight. It is a challenge and they need someone to disagree in order to validate that they are right. I find the fastest path is to ignore them. As childish as it may seem the silent treatment is the best move I have found here. Remove their anger bullet by ignoring them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now this is not an all in one solution, because after they feel ignored, their anger switches to that fact and generally dissipates towards the original issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Following this, you now respond to the original claim and offer the resolution, which they will most likely say no to (as they do not want special treatment).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All this process has done is re framed the situation from them being competitive and demanding to being offered charity (The lowest on the pecking order - those that need it)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will most often result in them shutting up and fuming to themselves whilst they slowly realize how petty they've been.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In summary, I do not know of a way to stop the behavior, just a manipulation and re-frame that flips said frame from them being angry and in control, to them being petty and needing charity. And in my personal experience, this is the most effecting way though this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T02:17:03.230" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19836" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19831" CreationDate="2018-11-13T02:28:43.733" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Whilst your situation needs some refining, a very simple technique that will work regardless of your gender, the situation in the group or any other variable I can think is to simply say the following if/when he corners you next:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This conversation/interrogation is making me &lt;strong&gt;uncomfortable&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of the bold is that you want to say that part louder. You do not want to yell it, but you want to project that part a bit more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One answer he might have is why/what am I doing. And I would follow this why question by ignoring it an moving back to the group. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of this is simple. There is no answer he can give to this line, you will have the rest of the groups attention drawn to you and there is no further play from him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a line it is good to walk too, because anyone else in the group that he has done this to, even if they weren't as upfront as you have been with respect you for what you did and feel sympathy for it happening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The one (unintended?) effect of this sort of approach is it risks exiling him. It is a solid power play within a group, and should cement you in there nicely, though it will embarrass and possibly exclude him. Again this might be useful to you, or it might not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-13T12:13:23.647" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T12:13:23.647" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19839" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12663" CreationDate="2018-11-13T10:28:53.250" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a female who seldom applies makeup.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am from India. Here &lt;em&gt;&quot;talking back&quot;&lt;/em&gt; on such suggestions is considered very rude and is a way to gain bad reputation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I, therefore, prefer to tell them my true thinking rather than telling them to &lt;em&gt;&quot;mind their own business&quot;&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know I will look much better with makeup, but the problem is that I like my raw looks very much. I like imperfection. I want the people to see real me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No one utters a word after this!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="120" LastEditorUserId="120" LastEditDate="2018-11-13T11:12:02.763" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T11:12:02.763" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19840" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19831" CreationDate="2018-11-13T12:44:30.257" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will answer from the point of the person who interrogate and try to explain such behaviour before I advise how to deal with such people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;So-and-So&quot; probably know all answers to trivia because he like to know a lot. They read your profile before meeting you to know if there is something you can talk about rather than asking &quot;what can we talk about&quot;. It saves time. They forced themselves of you because they, probably, read that you write and assumed that you may have interesting stories to tell. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to deal with such people.&lt;/strong&gt; Saying &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is ok. So is &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't like when people ask me so many questions without talking about themselves&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They shouldn't be offended. I understand that I have more than average amount of question. You can say &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Tell you what. Every question you ask me you need to answer first. And then I will see if I like the answer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just general remark that you are taken off by so many question will work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastEditorUserId="22050" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T04:22:08.610" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T04:22:08.610" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19841" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-13T12:48:36.017" Score="10" ViewCount="931" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know this theme has already been discussed, but I would like to ask for exact advice for my exact situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Outline&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am an Eastern-European lady living in Germany and working as a software consultant. My client is a Chinese man, let's call him Chen. We have been working for half a year together and will probably continue working for quite a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He touches me - not in a sexual way, but just touches different body parts with his hands in a non-offensive way, like patting me on the shoulder. I have very specific feelings about touching in general and will only allow specific people to touch me. I find this behaviour very unprofessional and I honestly just HATE being touched by him. I don't want his hands anywhere near me. But this person has absolutely no feeling of tact (with words as well), and no matter how far I push myself from him (physically), he still comes up to me and touches me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do understand that probably the only solution is going to be telling him directly. My problem is, how and when do I tell him that in order for him to actually understand it and not get offended? We have had multiple talks about our communication so far, and from them I can tell I have to be very clear and also very careful. So the wording and the concrete moment/situation when to say it is what I am looking for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Updates&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One detail I forgot to mention. I am not the only one working on this project from my company, but I am the main contact for this particular person, Chen. And there are several of my colleagues that I do allow to touch me. Normally there is no situation where Chen will see this, but it is possible that that might happen.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Answers to questions:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a. About consequences. Well, my point is that I am trying to avoid them;) The consequences that I see possible is him getting sour and making my work with him even less enjoyable. At the very worst it might end our cooperation, which I would like to avoid, because I like the project in general, but I very much doubt it might get there in this case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;b. I got it about the workplace.SE. Thank you. I guess you are right. I'm sorry, I just haven't used it before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;UPDATE: I told him! He seemed to be OK with it =) Phew!!!&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11147" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T10:35:30.833" Title="How exactly to tell someone to not touch me" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;europe&gt;&lt;professionalism&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19842" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19841" CreationDate="2018-11-13T13:14:57.360" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is what happens when you let things slide and hope people will get hints.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If, the first time he ever touched you, you had pulled back as though you had been burned, and then said&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh! Sorry, no offense, I don't want anyone touching me ever. It's just my thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He would have learned this about you and known it wasn't him - because you just met. But now he's been doing this for 6 months and from his point of view, you have never objected, and suddenly you're going to tell him he's wrong and he's been wrong all this time? That's going to be hard for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what I suggest. Next time he touches you, pull back and say &quot;Please don't.&quot; He will probably be puzzled and say &quot;please don't what?&quot; Then you can say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, sorry, I have a really hard time with being touched in a business context. Normally I can put up with it because I know people mean well, but I am having a rough day today and that slipped out. But now that we're talking about it, yeah, I actually can't stand being touched in the office at all. I'm sorry, this is about me, not you, but that's how it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now he may or may not lower the rate at which he touches you. But you haven't said &quot;I have hated this for 6 months and you should have known from my responses&quot; or the like, which should minimize the upset to him, yet at the same time you have very clearly given him the information you want him to have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he touches you again later, you can remind him &quot;remember what we talked about? That's actually really hard for me&quot; and he should eventually learn not to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="3181" LastEditDate="2018-11-13T13:17:01.350" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T13:17:01.350" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19844" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-13T16:01:24.757" Score="4" ViewCount="1175" Body="&lt;p&gt;I share a bedroom with my younger sister, she is currently 15 and I am 20. Recently I have been becoming very stressed out with the clutter in the room. I begun cleaning out my own belongings, following the KonMari method of disposing of things that no longer spark joy. This is going really well - I have removed a lot of my own clutter and am still working to improve it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, it's quickly becoming obvious that my sister is a large cause of a lot of the clutter, so much so that she's metaphorically shooting herself in the foot with the sheer quantity of unused and unwanted things that she keeps around. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One example of this is our desk. On the desk, there is a pile of her old school books, and also a pile of her clothes that she doesn't wear or no longer fits. Mixed in with these clothes is occasionally pieces of her school uniform, or kit for P.E. (exercise class, gym, whatever you want to call it). Because of the sheer quantity of things piled on the desk, she cannot use her desk for school work, and instead does all of her school work sitting on the bedroom floor. She is unable to put her schoolwork away, because the storage space we have next to the desk is also filled with her old school work, along with miscellaneous stuff that I don't know what it is but it's her stuff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another example: she sometimes plays video games with her friends. There is a space next to the TV that would be ideal for her games consoles, however they cannot go there as this space is filled with.. more clothes. a big ol' pile of them. Her drawers are filled up with more clothes that she doesn't wear/don't fit her - her main clothes pile that she actually to wear the clothes out of seems to be over in a different part of the room. (Until I sorted through my clothes again this month she was using MY clothes drawer as a footstool while gaming, which really annoyed me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As much as I'd love to throw all of her stuff in binbags and say &quot;Hey, if you want anything out of there take it out before I take it to the tip!&quot; I think this is inappropriate (plus the konMari book says not to mess with other peoples' stuff). However it's really causing me some stress - I can't use storage because it's filled with her stuff that she's not even using. I only ever see her do 3 or 4 things in our room, play video games on her (floor-located) consoles, use her tablet (or a combination of the two), or do schoolwork (on the floor because the desk is full). So even the drawers and piles filled with miscellaneous stuff are useless. It's not a simple case of a few cups here and there - there's a whole corner of the room that I don't even know what's under it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've spoken to my parents about this, but they've basically just said that they can't get her to do anything either. She's used a variety of excuses to me (largely &quot;I don't feel like it&quot; which, how can I even do anything about that?? and also &quot;mum doesn't want me to throw anything away&quot; which I know full well isn't true). I have tried things like offering to work together on cleaning and sorting the belongings, and this has just not convinced her. Recently the mess has been really getting to me and it's caused some bickering between us, which I feel isn't helping my cause. So what I'm really looking for is a good interpersonal way of getting her to do it which won't result in her responding in personal insults (which has been the only way she's been communicating with me in the past week or two) or my parents getting mad at me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9162" LastEditorUserId="9162" LastEditDate="2018-11-13T16:14:05.427" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T14:15:15.820" Title="My sister refuses to help clean. Our shared room is extremely cluttered and our relationship becoming strained. How can I get her to help out?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;&lt;chores&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19845" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-13T18:03:33.460" Score="6" ViewCount="1214" Body="&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend and I have been together for several years.  We have never lived together in the same place, but have spent time together at each other's places.  We're pretty serious now and I have student debt I've never told him about.  I've never talked about money to him because I felt we weren't serious and it wasn't his business.  Now that we are serious, I feel I should let him know just in case its a deal-breaker for marriage.  I don't like the debt either and it's a lot and I want to get this out of the way without it turning sour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm afraid to reveal the debt because its over $100K. I don't think he has any debt because he didn't attend college. I overheard him tell a friend he makes six figures so I feel he may judge my debt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell him about this debt without him feeling negative toward me?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22892" LastEditorUserId="22892" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T13:01:08.130" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T23:19:54.947" Title="How to reveal debt to longtime boyfriend?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19846" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19845" CreationDate="2018-11-13T18:38:25.347" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think you're correct to want to have a discussion about this before getting married as the best way to avoid misunderstandings that might aggravate the problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, I'm sure you're having a number of conversations that look to the future of your life together: kids or not, and if so how many, where to live, etc. etc. Either during one of these discussions or as a separate one you can tell him you'd like to discuss financial planning. As part of that, you can ask about his debts, disclose yours, and discuss any other financial obligations (such as contributing to family) and how all of this impacts your financial future. You should also discuss your general ideas about borrowing and managing money so that the two of you can come to an understanding. This will ultimately make your marriage stronger and more likely to last so long as you can generally agree with each other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll mention that in my unscientific observing of friends who've had one partner in the marriage that had significant debt, I only know one couple who called things off, and in their case it was part of a larger problem that the two had extremely different ideas on money (one was as cheap as you can be and the other was a spendthrift). Everyone else I've known - including people with financial careers - has had debt as really low on the scale of whether or not to marry someone, but of course people differ and this is IMO an extremely important conversation to have for any people that want to have a life together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12085" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T18:38:25.347" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19847" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19826" CreationDate="2018-11-13T18:43:59.363" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;she oversees the project that I have been part of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well that is a problem.  Imagine the role reversed.  You are the middle-aged male manager and she is one of the new young female recruits.  Do you think you would get away with flirting among all the young girls and being hands-on? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are some problems here.  Clearly, this is favoritism and sexist- though your company clearly gives a free pass to women who do this behavior so shame on them.  History has shown that successful companies are led by competent management.  A competent manager strives to &lt;em&gt;respect everyone&lt;/em&gt;, is respected in-turn by everyone, helps increase productivity, identifies problems and provides solutions, &lt;em&gt;leads by example&lt;/em&gt;, looks out for the well-being of all their subordinates, &lt;em&gt;and is fair&lt;/em&gt;.  A competent manager does not show favoritism and does not date subordinates.  Nor should subordinates receive 'signals' from managers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bear in mind if you date this person you are connected by association professionally and personally.  You could become &quot;that guy&quot;, where you are judged solely on that relationship and your entire work ignored.  Your promotion could either become more difficult, or if you get promoted- it appears as favoritism (&quot;she promoted her boyfriend&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The managerial relationship aside- successful relationships tend to require a little bit of separation.  You need breathing room and time alone to be a productive person.  This is almost impossible if working in the office next-door and seeing this person daily.  There are a lot of nice, flirty women out there, in and outside of the office.  You don't have to date this person, and dating a coworker is often advised against (just do any internet search on this topic).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember your job is important and you receive a salary in compensation for fulfilling your contractual duty.  Dating a flirty manager is not part of that duty.  Trying to date her appears unprofessional and only makes your job harder as you try to juggle both professional and personal relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How to tell a coworker that you would like to date them?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tell them you would consider it in a normal circumstance, but since they are your coworker/manager the relationship should remain professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21528" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T18:43:59.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19850" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19845" CreationDate="2018-11-13T23:52:02.673" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In my opinion, how he feels towards you depends on how you address the debt that you have.  If it's something that you have been ignoring and have not focused on paying off, then that could be a serious issue for him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know the circumstances of your debt, but that amount might cause negative feelings regardless, depending on how he treats his own finances.  What I would do is explain the debt and acknowledge that it is an issue, and explain to him the steps you are making to pay that debt off.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How you treat that debt, and the type of effort you make towards paying off that debt would play a large role in how I perceive the debt.  If you were in debt, still spending above your means, and not making efforts towards furthering your career, then that would be a huge red flag for me.  On the other hand, if that person was making concerted efforts towards paying that debt, then it would be less of an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22897" LastActivityDate="2018-11-13T23:52:02.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19851" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19845" CreationDate="2018-11-14T01:25:46.537" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&quot;Financial Reason&quot; is one of the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;top 10 reasons for marriage collapse&lt;/a&gt;. So obviously you don't want to get there. You wish to be as transparent as possible about your debt and articulate it properly before you're getting married. The higher the transparency and the communications between you two the better chances you'll have to overcome any obstacles including this one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that this is a student-debt so you have a very strong case here. First, it's not about you taking a long trip around the world and spent every possible credit card because that will signal him that you're not responsible. The truth is that this debt &lt;strong&gt;is an 'investment' for the future - your future&lt;/strong&gt;; so this is how you need to present this matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Put yourself in his shoes, this is something very hard to swallow, it takes few years to return this lumpsum and it comes on the expense of many other things so don't expect him to clear this issue immediately and everything is back to normal. Tell him that you truly hope this is not a deal breaker for the both of you and articulate what you have done so far to close this debt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Allow me to present 2 possible outcome in the event you get married and you can share this with him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Best case scenario&lt;/strong&gt;: You guys get married (congrats) you both work your butt off to return the loan and you live happily ever after. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Worst case scenario:&lt;/strong&gt; (I know, nobody likes to talk about it) you get married, you guys work very hard and manage to pay the debt in full (or partially). Somewhere along the journey, you decided to split for whatever reason. Since he was actively working to return your loan - he has the right to have his portion back. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To be fair, and this is something that you want to consider with him - have a prenup that explains this issue in details and the possible outcome (worst case scenario). Consult with a lawyer with him show him that you don't take him for granted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any event, you don't have to be ashamed in investing in your future and if you properly explain WHY you have it and propose a solid strategy how to return it, I bet he'll be there for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One (small) tip: since marriage is a 'partnership' simply single him that you're very serious about this debt in terms of: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;John, I don't think we should go on this vacation - I want to clear my&#xA;  debt first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Maybe we should skip this restaurant tonight in favor of a&#xA;  great meal at home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastEditorUserId="20418" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T03:00:39.933" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T03:00:39.933" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19852" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19853" CreationDate="2018-11-14T07:12:58.893" Score="6" ViewCount="547" Body="&lt;p&gt;An organization I'm in offered a &quot;test drive&quot; event of a car manufacturer to its members. Since I have an interest in cars, I opted to go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The purpose of this event is obviously to promote their cars. However this is a high-end car manufacturer, and I do not foresee I would be able to afford their cars in the near future. I, therefore, have no intention to even consider buying one, I just want to know how it &quot;drives like&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering that the car manufacturer needs to allocate resources (cars and staff) for the event, I feel it would be rude to take their offer knowing it would never have turned out to be a customer of them. If the sales asks me &quot;why are you here&quot;, how can I reply without being seen as rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22900" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T18:43:15.140" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T18:43:15.140" Title="How to try out a product you do not intend to buy?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;customer-interactions&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-15T07:56:20.073" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19853" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19852" CreationDate="2018-11-14T07:34:15.463" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would dispute the comment saying that it is opinion based. It is something that was offered to you, and if you want to do it then go for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is not rude, and no organisation putting on any event has any expectations that it's attendees will go into business with them. Usually these types of events whether it is for cars or otherwise are about networking, and getting that companies name out there, so if you are ever in the position to make a purchase, you will think of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no expectation to buy anything and therefore it is not rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for what to say if asked why you are there. Be honest, not brutally, but what you said here is fine: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I like cars, and I wanted to see how [insert car brand] felt to drive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is exactly the response expected from this kind of event and obviously if it turns into a sale on the day, they would be over the moon but it is not expected of anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of the above comes from personal experience at this kind of events, both cars (Ferrari) and many other industries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22050" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T07:34:15.463" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19855" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19858" CreationDate="2018-11-14T09:09:14.723" Score="0" ViewCount="629" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in a situation I don't really know how to handle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a student at university and one of my class mates decided to study way too many things at the same time so she doesn't show up to many of the lectures. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I'm always going and taking meticulous notes, she expects me to give her my notes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, I don't have a problem with this but she doesn't take studying seriously at all and often just doesn't come to lectures because she's not feeling like it, would rather sleep or play video games, which she tells me very openly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My notes take me a lot of time and work and I don't see why I should give her that just because she's not taking this seriously.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She also asked me several times if we want to study together which wouldn't do anything for me since I'd just have to explain everything she missed to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is that I don't really know how to politely tell her I won't do the work for her she's too lazy to do. She's usually a nice person and I don't want to offend her. I already tried giving her clues like obviously hesitating when she asks for stuff and things like that but I don't really know how to be more direct without hurting her feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22631" LastEditorUserId="22631" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T10:55:35.113" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T03:25:44.680" Title="How to tell someone I won't do their work" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;students&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19856" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-14T11:08:50.710" Score="5" ViewCount="1831" Body="&lt;p&gt;This has happened time after time. When making a decision together with dad, he always goes behind my back and ignore my opinions, which is really frustrating and even infuriating some times for me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, knowing my grandma's health was deteriorating while I was living abroad, I specifically asked my dad multiple times that had anything happened, I would like to know, so that I could come back and see her the last time. This February, in my visit back home, I learned from my brother that my grandma had passed away a few months back shortly after my previous visit. When I confronted my dad, he explained that he wanted me to focus on my work and take care of myself, plus I had just seen her in the previous visit, so he didn't think it would be necessary for me to come back. We had a big fight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today, I just learned a surgery had been operated on my mom against my concerns. About a week ago, my mom went to hospital as her chronic serious disease had gone worse. My dad let me know and asked about my opinion about the small incision surgery that her doctor had suggested. I expressed my concerns about the hospital (it's really small one in our local town) and the treatment plan. Based on my research, I found a new medicine just made available a few months ago that would radically cure the disease, which is only accessible through bigger hospitals. I suggested to check with the doctors there first and then decide if the incision is the best next step.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My dad went to these hospitals for inquiry. As we were just catching up today, it sort of slipped out of his mouth that the incision had just been done three days ago, before his visits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was really angry hearing about it. I would have understood if they told me before the fact. It's my mom's health and her decision ultimately. But again, I felt that he went behind my back knowing how I worried and invested I was. I felt very disrespected and that he could not be trusted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Questions&lt;/strong&gt;: &#xA;How do I make him realize how hurtful this is? How do I make sure they inform me about my mom's health status?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15507" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-03-21T11:19:45.710" LastActivityDate="2020-01-21T14:22:26.147" Title="How do I make my dad respect my opinions?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19857" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19856" CreationDate="2018-11-14T12:21:51.860" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your dad is in a pattern of behaviour where he conceals things from you because he thinks &quot;it is for the best&quot;, or perhaps more specifically &quot;in &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; best interest&quot;. That is natural parenting behaviour when a child is young, but obviously not meant to be continued in quite the same way now that you're an adult yourself. Sure you need to do something about it, but the positive way to look at it is that your dad hasn't exactly got a pattern of &lt;em&gt;bad&lt;/em&gt; behaviour; he just hasn't got &lt;em&gt;out&lt;/em&gt; of a behaviour pattern that you have long outgrown the need for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For perspective though, while you may feel your dad is not treating you like an adult, you must remember that he and your mom have been adults for a long time themselves. As much as you ask them to respect your opinions and feelings, you have to respect the decisions they make too. Can you say without reservation that if &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; were going through a health problem of some kind, that you would tell your parents every detail, even if it caused them (possibly unnecessary) worry?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My suggested approach would be to confront &lt;em&gt;both&lt;/em&gt; your parents together and calmly state how recent events have made you feel. I say both of them together because you can't say for certain how much your dad's decisions were influenced by your mom; also she could be a positive influence on him in future decisions. Don't exaggerate, or make any idle threats about what you might do if they continue. Your goal is to become closer and more involved than they have allowed you to be, so don't do or say anything that distances you from them any further. Also, remaining calm and making well thought-out, reasonable statements will go towards showing your father that you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; an adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;State what has happened so far and how it has affected you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As you know, I have felt very hurt over things that you have kept from me recently. I understand you might think you are protecting me, but actually, being shut out has hurt and affected me more than if you had been open with me from the start. I didn't get to say goodbye to grandma, and I haven't been allowed to help and support my mom.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Go on to &lt;em&gt;reason&lt;/em&gt; with them on why they should keep you informed:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We are all adults. If I had a health problem, would you want to know? Or would you want me to keep it from you so that you couldn't help? If it was something serious or life-threatening, would you want me to spare you the worry and deny you the possibility of saying goodbye?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then &lt;em&gt;state your expectations&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I care very much about mom's health status and I want to be kept informed at all times. Please will you do that for me?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T12:21:51.860" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19858" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19855" CreationDate="2018-11-14T14:29:19.690" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've said she's studying too much at once (presumably she's taken on extra classes?) but then you also say that she's openly admitting to not coming to lectures because she's not feeling like it, would rather sleep or play video games. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From experience myself as a degree student with a girl who used my notes and my time rather than paying attention / turning up to lectures my suggestion would be to tell her that while you want to be helpful, you are putting a lot of effort into your lectures / notes / studies and that you would find it easier helping her if you knew she was taking it as seriously as you are. Instead of giving her notes from now on; invite her to come to the lectures with you - perhaps to become a study partner or something - and then if she continues to rely too much on your kindness you can tell her your priority has to be your studies and that helping her all the time is a distraction. I wish I had done the same but ended up wasting a lot of time on someone who then up and quit uni altogether.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sounds to me you like her and care about her success so I hope she appreciates that; though sounds like she's using you. Unless this is her way of getting your attention if she likes you. Never know. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21656" LastEditorUserId="21656" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T17:18:33.080" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T17:18:33.080" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19859" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19826" CreationDate="2018-11-14T15:32:58.487" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well she gave you a lot of positive sign. &#xA;The only &quot;problem&quot; is the professional environment. If you want to have a romantic relationship with her, you should try to develop it outside of work. &#xA;You just need one action to extract her (and you) &lt;strong&gt;outside of this context&lt;/strong&gt; : &#xA;simply ask her for a drink, one evening, just both of you. Looking at what you said she'll understand. &#xA;In doing that, you can :&#xA;- just develop your relationship in the right context, which is your goal&#xA;- give her a simple , drama-free way to reject your offer&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she reject you, there shouldn't be any awkwardness/creepyness after that &lt;strong&gt;since nothing was explicit&lt;/strong&gt; . That's the key here, you just use &quot;standard&quot; code of conduct to make yourself clear without being awkward. Just take it as it is and let go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she does not, just go to the pub (or whatever you chose) with her, there's a lot of chance that you'll be successful in what you seek, given her behavior with her until now. Even if not, this is now an extra professional relationship, so there should be no embarrassment either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I won't try to discourage you in doing so. Work relationship can give you a lot of problems, but that's not your question and it really depends of you, her, and the workplace. If it can go well, and if you want to try your chance, I think you should just go and I hope everything will be alright.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4534" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T15:32:58.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19860" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19856" CreationDate="2018-11-14T15:51:20.990" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Regarding your Grandma - while personally I would have said it would be better to err on the side of giving you the choice whether to make the extra visit or not, I can see how his reasoning that you had just visited her makes a certain level of sense so I don't think it was malicious - just perhaps a (somewhat) misguided one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for the situation with you Mom, well you aren't going to like this but I think you're in the wrong here. Your dad asked your opinion, on treatments for a medical condition of your mother's and because they didn't handle it in the way &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; wanted (both in terms of the treatment and communication) you're throwing your toys out of the pram and talking about how you hurt &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; are and how your dad can't be trusted?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It strikes me in your wording and the use of &quot;it sort of slipped out&quot; that makes me wonder if your dad might have purposely &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; informed you about the decision regarding going for the incision because he's actually looking to avoid having do deal with an angry or argumentative response from you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure where you and your family are located so there maybe a cultural difference at play here but I find the notion of getting angry because one adult family member didn't run &lt;em&gt;everything&lt;/em&gt; by another (who lives in another country no less) more than a little odd to be honest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest that, based on the examples you've given that it's not necessarily the case that your dad doesn't &lt;em&gt;respect&lt;/em&gt; your opinions - rather that he appears to have difficulty communicating with you when he's chosen to do something that's not in line with your opinion or wishes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mention that you &quot;would have been fine&quot; with them making the decision to go for the incision-based treatment and that what you actually wanted was to have that communicated to you before hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So why not simply tell him that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [dad], I'm getting the impression that you didn't want to tell me that you had gone the other way with mom's treatment - just so you know I'm not going to get mad at you for not following my advice. It's Mom's health and her decision at the end of the day. So for stuff like that it's totally fine to just give me a call and say &quot;we've decided to do x&quot; instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastEditorUserId="6753" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T16:17:00.617" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T16:17:00.617" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19861" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19874" CreationDate="2018-11-14T16:25:32.907" Score="5" ViewCount="1155" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a college student. My friend (who I have known for almost 3 years now) attempted suicide 4 days ago by overdosing on sleeping pills, but not taking a sufficiently high dosage. I only learnt about it a couple days ago, when I saw his father living in his dorm room with him and asked him about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, he's been acting absolutely normally since the incident. He's going to classes, taking interest in music and movies and other aspects of normal life, hanging out with our mutual friends and generally having fun. Even when he told me about the attempt he was super casual about it. Initially I thought he was making some sort of off-color joke, but he was saying the truth. Apparently, he had recently come in possession of sleeping pills and in an moment of anxiety/instinct, he overdosed. But it's only been 4 days, and he's acting completely normally.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am totally confused by this behaviour. I consider myself to be a good friend of his and want to help him as much as I can. I offered to do all his work for him, I told him he could depend on me for anything, but he has denied all my requests for help, saying that he's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to increase the chances of him opening up towards me so I can actually help him?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22905" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-11-14T16:36:33.610" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T10:16:29.397" Title="Friend attempts suicide, but is now acting perfectly fine. What can I do?" Tags="&lt;helping&gt;&lt;suicide&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19863" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19855" CreationDate="2018-11-14T18:00:50.327" Score="0" Body="&lt;h2&gt;You'll have to just tell her. You don't need to mention any judgments of her character, though.&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It really seems like you want to tell her that you think she's lazy, and that for that reason alone you will be withholding your help. I doubt you will be able to level that accusation against her without hurting her feelings. Fortunately, that's a totally unnecessary thing to include when speaking to her. You can focus on her &lt;em&gt;behaviors&lt;/em&gt; rather than her &lt;em&gt;character&lt;/em&gt;. Contrast&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to keep tutoring you and giving you my notes when you could easily get the information yourself by attending the lectures. The reasons you've given for skipping those don't seem very solid to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;with&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want to keep tutoring you and giving you my notes because you're such a lazy person. You're too lazy to do any of the work yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One is an explanation, the other is a judgment of her as a person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a situation in which hinting (and other indirect forms of communication) is unlikely to work. She could legitimately miss your signals, and have no idea how upset you've become about the situation. She could also understand what you want to express, but pretend not to in order to keep imposing on you. No amount or type of hinting will solve this, since that sort of indirect communication inherently &lt;strong&gt;does not make your position explicitly clear.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, in being direct with her there are a few things that are worth keeping in mind:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If she's satisfied with her grades, then she's not wrong to say that&#xA;she doesn't need to attend the lectures. This may be entirely&#xA;dependent on your assistance, but is still true. Her approach to the&#xA;situation has been effective. That's not necessarily lazy (though it&#xA;certainly could be). This situation could well be the maximally&#xA;efficient use of her own time, even if it is less efficient with&#xA;&lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;This approach she has chosen might legitimately be ideal for her.&#xA;Not everyone gets the same amount of value out of lectures, and if&#xA;they are especially inefficient for her it might be a better use of&#xA;her time to refer to notes from someone that did attend. That&#xA;doesn't mean that you have to participate, but that situation is&#xA;perfectly consistent with what she's told you about why she skips&#xA;lectures.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Making your notes available to her costs you very little. If you&#xA;just made photocopies for her each week, that would take a&#xA;negligible amount of time. Again, there is no reason that you must&#xA;participate in this, but it's a poor argument to use her (asserted)&#xA;laziness as a reason to decline helping her, when that saves you a&#xA;trivial amount of time and effort.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Not everyone is equally good at taking notes, and even for a single&#xA;person that can vary from class to class. It's possible that for&#xA;these particular subjects your notes would always be superior to&#xA;hers, whether she attended lectures or not, and so they might remain&#xA;desirable no matter what.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Teaching things to someone can be an excellent study method. As long&#xA;as it's still material necessary for the test, I personally would&#xA;consider going over things with someone less capable in the subject&#xA;to be a solid study method. That may or may not apply to you here,&#xA;but she could easily be mis-valuing this use of your time.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tl;dr:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can easily tell her that you don't want to continue giving her your notes and tutoring her, neither of which should hurt her feelings. You can tell her why you don't want to continue doing those things without hurting her feelings. You cannot make a sweeping, negative judgment about her to her face without risking hurting her feelings. &lt;strong&gt;You do not need to make that sweeping, negative judgment to her face.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T18:00:50.327" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19864" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19825" CreationDate="2018-11-14T18:47:46.440" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have seen similar behavior in several gaming situations, especially cards and poker.&#xA;The player has a short fuse and no recourse when it has been lit and he has lost his temper. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is clear to both you and them that your assistance is not useful which means it is not welcome. At that point their happiness in the gaming world is well beyond your responsibility. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their happiness was their own business from the start and they have mismanaged it, repeatedly. You have attempted to interfere for good and been told to keep out, repeatedly. It's too bad they cannot be reached but despite their value to the game or your group you should tell them to have a seat and stay quiet, you're still playing and they are not. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can let them know that you will be open to letting them try to manage their anger  the next time you meet but today is not that day. Thank you for playing. I think you will find they prefer if everyone stopped playing. Do not do this. Let them enjoy the consequences of their actions. And NEVER tolerate anyone throwing a controller anywhere.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21222" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T18:47:46.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19866" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-14T19:04:26.220" Score="5" ViewCount="1723" Body="&lt;p&gt;I try to pay a regular visit my grandparents once a week, and on special occasions like their birthdays. Most of these visits coincide with my aunt, uncle and cousins being there as well. They also always bring their dog, let's call him Fifi. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fifi is a small/medium dog (depending on your definition of dog sizes), and he's really misbehaved. He continually begs for food and attention, rubs himself against your clean pants (hair everywhere), ruins your nylons with his nails, sits on your feet, walks in front of you when you stand up and barks/whines a lot. Fifi's owners can't control him, they let him roam free through the living room, encourage the begging with snacks and act like he's being funny when he barks or ruins an outfit by talking baby-talk to Fifi (or offering more snacks). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result, &lt;em&gt;both my grandparents and the rest of our family have made regular, serious requests to leave the dog at home on family gatherings over the past 6 or 7 years.&lt;/em&gt; Apparently, this is not an option, for reasons unknown to me. What I do know is that my grandparents/rest of my family would never put up with this if there wasn't a really, really, really good reason. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fifi causes problems. We can finally have a good talk going with each other, one that's more interesting than just the regular 'he died, she's got cancer, they're getting divorced' remarks my family is so keen on making, and either Fifi acts out in a way that needs attention, or one of his owners starts talking to/about Fifi in a way that ends the interesting conversation prematurely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, we've tried getting these conversations back on track (or not to end them in the first place) in a few ways: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Saying 'just a sec'&lt;/strong&gt; when Fifi's misbehaving is bothering someone, taking Fifi's collar, guiding him away/making him sit in an appropriate spot and then just continuing the conversation. This almost always end in one of his owners baby-talking to Fifi, calling him from across the room, and/or mentioning someone's name in the process, taking over attention and causing us to have to interrupt our conversation. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Asking Fifi's owners to take care of him&lt;/strong&gt;, then continuing the conversation. Same problem as the other approach: owners start calling Fifi from across the room, and most often we have to act anyways to actually get Fifi to stop misbehaving because he doesn't listen. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Just keep talking&lt;/strong&gt;. There's instances when one of his owners will shout across the room 'FIFI! Did you just fart?!', drawing everyone's attention and then start a monologue about how we shouldn't give Fifi anything to eat when he's begging because now you can smell what happened (or something similar). We've tried to just keep the conversation we're having going or turning back to it as soon as possible, but so far it has had really low success rates, as it's kinda difficult to keep your attention to something when someone else is trying to take it too. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Attempting to ignore Fifi and his owners&lt;/strong&gt; hasn't worked so far, as Fifi just keeps begging, rubbing or scratching, and his owners keep paying it attention, and in such a way that they demand our attention as well and we can't keep the conversation going. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, given that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Fifi can't be left at home (for whatever reason), &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His owners can't control him (and themselves) at family gatherings,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We've tried to address this with Fifi's owners and neither Fifi nor his owners seem capable of changing their behaviour.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Either I or the person I'm talking with regularly need to interrupt an interesting conversation to save pants, nylons or food because ignoring Fifi and letting things happen is no option,&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We can't just pick another time to visit when the dog won't be there. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Fifi's owners aren't causing trouble on the rare occasions that we meet them without Fifi (e.g. only my aunt will be there, and uncle will be home watching Fifi)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can we keep an interesting conversation going or recover it, when Fifi and his owners are present at a family gathering?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastActivityDate="2019-01-31T10:49:25.503" Title="How to keep an interesting conversation going when there's a dog present at family gatherings?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;netherlands&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19868" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-14T19:23:54.680" Score="2" ViewCount="853" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know it sounds selfish but here it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the past 3 years, I have been living alone in a rented room. 6 months ago, I had to change the city due to a new job. The rent here is a bit high compared to the last one so I thought of having a roommate to share the flat and the expenses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So here is my roommate who is my friend's elder brother. In the beginning, I thought that it won't be a problem and instead of asking a complete stranger to be my roommate, it's great that he is someone I kind of know indirectly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now it's not even a month, and its started to bug me to share the apartment with him. We both have different ways of living obviously but it's affecting me more because I have OCD. And because of which it is becoming almost impossible to overlook certain things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I want to ask him politely if he can move out. But I am unable to do so because he is my friend's brother and I think asking him to move out will jeopardize my relation with my friend.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I ask him to move out politely and without affecting the relation with my friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Note and clarification&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The contract is in my name only and he just started living with me a few weeks back. Now he told me that he will find a place soon but he hasn't been looking for a place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22826" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-08T08:11:23.797" Title="How to ask my roommate to move out?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19870" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19866" CreationDate="2018-11-14T19:49:51.217" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the technique depends on who was interrupted. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you were speaking: you'll want to get the earliest word in as soon as the situation improves. And depending on how upset you are, it can something like &quot;So before I was rudely interrupted...&quot;, or you can simply change the target of your conversation to anyone who isn't addressing the dog.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was someone else who was speaking, wait for the earliest moment you can to ask about a detail in conversation. It kind of rewinds the conversation a bit so that you can get back to where you want to be. &quot;What were you saying about [this topic]?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The over-arching idea is that you want to single out a listener that you can keep the conversation moving with. If the owners or the dog insist in stealing attention (The dog is physically interrupting you, or the owners are requesting assistance), then let them know they have to deal with Fifi, because you're having a conversation. &quot;Uncle, can you take the dog, I'm trying to have a conversation.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an aside, if someone cut me off in the middle of a serious conversation to talk about a dog fart, I'd be pretty upset. With a poorly behaved dog, some interruptions can't be helped, but many interruptions can. I also would guess the dog can't be left home because it is so poorly behaved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12254" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T19:49:51.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19871" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-14T20:48:48.563" Score="10" ViewCount="789" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I'm in a very loving relationship, and it's wonderful. My SO is giving me all the emotional support I could possibly need, and never had, because everyone in my family including myself are more &quot;thinking&quot; types.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the thing. Sometimes I need the thinking type of support. Specifically, when I'm feeling anxious, and I text him about it, I don't want his love and care, I want to be assured that I'm fine on a more factual basis. (Aka you're not dying, your hands are numb because you are hyperventilating.)&#xA;I think this extends to other situations too, but this is the most pressing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I explain to him my need for thought-based support in addition to emotional support? In a sentence: I don't want a hug, I want a discussion and a solution!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22908" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T05:02:09.753" Title="How to explain my SO a need for intellectual support?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19872" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19855" CreationDate="2018-11-14T21:09:17.443" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you truly want to help her, the polite way to tell her is to explain to her how her current course of action is ultimately not going to work.  You can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Jane, I noticed that you have been missing many lectures.  As meticulous as my notes may be, they are not a substitute for attending and paying attention at the lectures.  While you may get some benefit from the notes, some of it may not make much sense if you have missed the lectures and there may be some details missing from the notes as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was like you in school and attempted to take as many notes as possible, but the bottom line is that you will not be able to write down every spoken word as well as every word, diagram,...etc that is written/displayed on the board.  Notes are not meant to be your primary study source, they are a piece along with the lecture and course book which in combination will allow you to understand the material.  Depending on the professor, those notes may not be enough to pass the course.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22700" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T21:09:17.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19873" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19866" CreationDate="2018-11-14T21:26:12.370" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like this is a situation best handled by whoever is throwing the party, in this case your grandparents. They need to set and enforce a hard boundary. If they don't want the dog there, and have expressed that multiple times, the dog shouldn't be there. Period. Full stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When aunt and uncle show up with the dog after being specifically told not to bring the dog it's entirely reasonable to put a foot down and tell them to take the dog home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a family, and most families have issues with boundaries. Or rather &quot;there's one or two in every family&quot; that seem to constantly push the boundaries, and the family ends up weighing how much they're willing to tolerate in order to maintain the relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With my own family, our large family gatherings tend to allow people to sort of gate their exposure to boundary pushers by location. As in, loud cousin is holding court in the living room, so people who want a more relaxed conversation will adjourn to the kitchen, or back porch. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So... You might be able to limit your exposure to the dog by relocating conversations. If the dog is the center of attention in one room, move to the other. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or... Lean on your grandparents to get a bit more serious about the &quot;no dogs allowed&quot; policy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T21:26:12.370" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19874" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19861" CreationDate="2018-11-14T21:28:00.533" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's great that you're looking out for your friend and you seem to be doing all you can. Suicide can be a really sensitive topic though, with many conflicting thoughts for the person, without being a psychologist or medical expert I'm not sure there is much more you can do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would suggest if they wants to play it like they're back to normal, try to act like everything is normal as well. You could also include them in a few more activities to keep an eye on them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've already made it clear that you're willing to help in any way you can, wait them to open up to you, if he feels like doing it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been depressed and near suicidal before myself, I can tell you one of the conflicting thoughts I was having is a desperate need for more attention. I used to feel so guilty and ashamed of having that need, and so I tried to continue as though everything was normal as well thinking I could shield everyone else from my pain that way. If I had a friend discover it by accident I would probably react similarly as your friend so as to not worry them but I would appreciate their offer of support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T01:36:56.340" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T01:36:56.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19875" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19866" CreationDate="2018-11-14T21:35:12.353" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like Fifi is a chow hound.  I had a lot of experience with my dog, who was also a chow hound, although apparently much better behaved (at least, in my opinion).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be able to turn lemons into lemonade by using Fifi's chow-hounding and your relatives love of her into the solution.  Do a little research and talk to your relatives about the variety of dog toys that dispense treats.  In my case, I found several dog puzzles (sliding block games etc) that were quite useful in keeping my dog's attention.  Frozen peanut butter kongs also were a hit.  The only issue would be if Fifi has resource guarding issues, in which case such items are a bad idea.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The great thing about this approach is that you should be able to get your relatives into it.  If they are dog lovers they will enjoy loading up the puzzle / kong / toy and watching their dog get involved with it, while you have the opportunity to have an adult conversation with your grandparents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After almost 16 years of dealing with a chow hound, I can definitely say this approach works, and will also keep your relationship with your relatives happy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I located the current version of the sliding brick toy that my dog loved at &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.nina-ottosson.com/products/all-products/dogbrick-new.html&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Nina Ottosson Dog Brick&lt;/a&gt;.  This looks like a newer version of what I had, as the bricks themselves also open up to dispense treats.  I fed my dog by loading up the toy and then it was quite fun to see her working the puzzle with nose!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-11-26T13:32:45.223" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T13:32:45.223" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19876" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19871" CreationDate="2018-11-14T22:44:43.250" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, because the anxiety was rather pressing, and I really really needed help, I figured this out myself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I solved the thing with a simple change of language.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of asking &quot;Can you help me?&quot; I specifically said &quot;Hey, can you help me troubleshoot this?&quot;&#xA;And that phrasing was all it took to bring the conversation in the direction that I needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People have different definitions of help. Seems obvious to me in hindsight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22908" LastActivityDate="2018-11-14T22:44:43.250" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19878" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19861" CreationDate="2018-11-15T00:58:27.210" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;People who have attempted suicide need to be under the supervision of a trained professional, even if they &quot;act fine&quot;, because there may be underlying physiological factors which require medical intervention.  For example, your friend &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; suffer from some kind of bipolar or other disorder that makes them seem completely normal or even better than normal when in the &quot;manic&quot; phase, and not at all fine when they swing the other way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am certainly not a trained professional, so I can't be sure of any diagnosis, or even properly explain the characteristics of this disorder.  There are any number of &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-disorder-signs-and-symptoms.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;online resources&lt;/a&gt; that might help you with more information.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if your friend is already being treated, then his behavior might appear normal if he is on medication that helps control these bipolar swings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would not force the issue.  Instead I would continue to be his friend, to call and text on a regular basis, and invite him to do the kind of things you both enjoy doing -- movies, sports, dining out, etc.  Be aware of any possible signs he is sliding toward what seems like suicidal behavior, but at the same time don't read too much into anything that seems out of place or unusual.  Watch what he &lt;em&gt;does&lt;/em&gt;, more than what he &lt;em&gt;says&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T20:36:14.663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T20:36:14.663" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19879" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19871" CreationDate="2018-11-15T01:47:02.133" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't want a hug, I want a discussion and a solution!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're looking for what is called a thoughtful deep analysis while weighing the ins and outs, the pros and cons, the alternatives at stack, the good and bad scenarios, the cost-benefits and so forth. With this realistic analysis you can make a better decision and see things more clearly and hence feel better. A hug will not solve it. I know this because I'm this type: the analyzer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, being an analyzer, is something that one should really work (hard) for. You need to look at things from a different angle and sometimes with a different lens.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;And for the good news:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helped me become a better analyzer is reading a lot about &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.rasmussen.edu/student-experience/college-life/critical-thinking-skills-to-master-now/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;critical-thinking&lt;/a&gt; /&lt;a href=&quot;https://thebestschools.org/magazine/15-logical-fallacies-know/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Logical-Fallacies&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/strong&gt; It really shaped the way I'm presenting an argument and managing to convince people. The more I read about it, the better I become at problem solving. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way that helped me to improve my analytical skill; you can have a debate where both of you pick a side on a topic (example, gun control in America) and then you alternate. You will be amazed how your/his critical thinking will be improved.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20418" LastEditorUserId="20908" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T05:02:09.753" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T05:02:09.753" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19880" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19855" CreationDate="2018-11-15T03:25:44.680" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;She won't pass this class with or without your notes, I can assure you. You must turn up to lectures and classes to pass. Notes are not going to cut it!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that in mind, it's a moot point whether you give her copies of the notes or not. I agree though that you should not study with her. I would simply lie and say I'm studying with somebody else or the time doesn't work. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22884" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T03:25:44.680" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19883" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-15T06:32:59.793" Score="3" ViewCount="22609" Body="&lt;p&gt;Last Monday, I wanted to ask a question to my cousin and decided to phone her. I called her once and she didn't answer so I decided to try a second time right after my first attempt. When she finally answered, she told me that she was in a meeting but decided to answer me anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She usually works from home on Monday and I had no idea she was in a meeting. I'm afraid that me deciding to call her &lt;em&gt;twice&lt;/em&gt; has prompt her to answer because she thought it was important when it wasn't. She didn't say such a thing so I believe that calling twice is fine. However, I do believe that trying a third time without waiting, at least, one hour would have been too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This got me thinking, is there some etiquette regarding the number of time one should try calling someone else if it's not for an emergency? And how long you should wait between each call?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm from France but I believe that there might be some cultural differences that I'm also interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;I just wanted to ask her if she would join me for pizza on Wednesday.&lt;/sub&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T20:30:52.583" LastActivityDate="2018-12-09T09:12:43.820" Title="How many time should you try to call someone if the other person is not answering?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;phone-usage&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ClosedDate="2018-12-10T10:27:00.637" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19884" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="414" CreationDate="2018-11-15T07:29:28.643" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm someone who tends to mispronounce more than the general population. I don't mispronounce because I have an accent but for two reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;1. Learned in a book&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Case one is, I learned a word in a book and since the word isn't often us in speaking language, I never had the chance to learn the &amp;quot;write&amp;quot; pronunciation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In those case, I don't mind being corrected as long as it is done in a none mocking manner. So, make sure to have a serious look (or a puzzled one) and remove any smile from your face as it could be misinterpreted (and you don't want the person to think that you are mocking them).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being alone with the person is also preferable. Being corrected in public is not a good place to be in and would cause unnecessary embarrassment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the phrasing, I will suggest saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have noticed that you pronounce the word &lt;strong&gt;X&lt;/strong&gt;, &lt;strong&gt;X'&lt;/strong&gt;. Is there a reason for that?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you put this as a question, you don't assume &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; have the correct pronunciation. Instead, you just note that you don't pronounce a word the same way which means one of you &lt;strong&gt;might&lt;/strong&gt; be wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person doesn't know what to respond to your question (or after they answered), you can explain why you pronounce it the way you do. You don't need to convince the other person that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; pronounce it the right way, you just need to make them think about it so that they can do research of there own and decide how they want to pronounce it in the future (knowing that other people don't pronounce it the same way).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;2. &amp;quot;Mind Trick&amp;quot;&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Especially when I'm tired, the words tend to mix and switch between them in my mind. I think of a meaning but, instead of picking the right word for this meaning, I pick is &amp;quot;neighbor&amp;quot;. A word who is relatively similar (they both have the same &amp;quot;color&amp;quot; in my mind) but doesn't mean the same thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have the same problem with the letters &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;c&lt;/strong&gt;&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;&lt;strong&gt;s&lt;/strong&gt;&amp;quot; and, whenever I'm going to say one of those out loud, I always have to pause to make sure my mouth will say the right one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your acquaintance has the same problem and sometimes use the right word, sometimes don't, don't correct them. They already know they have this problem and telling them that their tongue slipt again won't achieve anything. So, unless you didn't understand what they wanted to say or you want to clarify something, I would advise to not correct them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if you still want to, you can use the same approach than for point one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I notice you tend to switch words and I was wondering why?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they weren't aware of the problem before, now they are. And if there already were, you have an opportunity to know this acquaintance better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T07:29:28.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19885" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19883" CreationDate="2018-11-15T08:35:54.407" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Though, there is no written etiquette regarding the number of times one should try calling or wait for certain time period during each subsequent call. However, there is a procedure I usually follow.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I try to call that person 2 times unless they pick the phone. I try calling them the second time as they might have been away from the phone and couldn't hear the ring. But before this, I wait for two minutes in case they heard the ring but couldn't pick the phone in time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is the latter case, they will call me back. If it is former, then I call them again. In case they don't pick the phone this time, I will leave a text via any communication channel available like voicemail, FB, WhatsApp etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Leave a message something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried to call you without success. I was asking about [xyz]. Can you give me a call or text me back when you have the time?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then I wait for an hour or so. If they respond to the text, then I've my answer. In case I don't, I wait for at least an hour and then give a call. At this point, I do not call them again for two-three hours as they might be too busy and can't pick the phone or ignoring me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should check the time you're calling them at. If they're at work, they could be busy. So try calling them during their break times if you know. If they are partying, they can't hear the ring due to noise. There can be other similar reasons. In your case she was in meeting but you didn't know so that's fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whether they will call you back or not depends on where you are on their priority list. If you're in top priority, they will call you back soon and if you're not, you will have to call them back because they won't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But &lt;strong&gt;in the end&lt;/strong&gt;, patience is virtue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From this &lt;a href=&quot;https://pairedlife.com/etiquette/Reasons-Why-Someone-Doesnt-Answer-Your-Call-or-Text&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;article&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Patience is a virtue. If you have a friend, family member, employee or co-worker who usually responds to your voicemails and texts, then there's probably a good reason why he/she doesn't answer. Before freaking out, panicking, getting mad, or sulking, consider the different possibilities. Consider all the times you had circumstances where you were not able to respond to others. &lt;strong&gt;If your friend or family member is tried and true considerate with returning calls and texts, trust that there is a good reason.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a friend or family member who habitually doesn't respond to phone calls, voice mails, and sometimes texts, well then, there you go. They're not reliable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="29" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T10:13:18.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19886" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19883" CreationDate="2018-11-15T08:41:04.170" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;It all depends on whom and how you are calling someone. If you're calling a private landline, then there is a possibility that people didn't hear it as they may be in another room. A company phone being unanswered usually means there is no one around to pick it up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With cell phones I &lt;strong&gt;ALWAYS&lt;/strong&gt; assume that the person chose to not answer my phone call because of various reasons, but the result is that they cannot &lt;strong&gt;TALK&lt;/strong&gt; with me. So I follow with a message &quot;I called to talk about this-and-that. Call me back when you have the time or just write back&quot;. Because it's easier to write an answer (via sms, email, whatsapp, hangouts, slack or whatever) than talk on the phone. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I never call q second time just after first one. If the person didn't hear the phone ringing, why would they hear it five seconds later? If they left their phone somewhere, how would they answer it five seconds later? If they didn't answer in time, they &lt;em&gt;WILL&lt;/em&gt; call me back right away. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As your cousin does, I assume that if someone calls me over and over, it's urgent. Because if it isn't, why can't they  wait 10 minutes? (to give me time to write a message &quot;I'm in a meeting/Can't talk right now/I'm in cinema; can I call you back in two hours&quot;) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T15:39:21.170" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T15:39:21.170" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19887" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19888" CreationDate="2018-11-15T14:17:04.270" Score="6" ViewCount="912" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in university accommodation and last night I went to a neighboring flat's kitchen and accidentally broke a bottle of sauce. I didn't realise this at the time. This morning I found a threatening message from one of the people in that kitchen on a very public group chat telling me to pay for the damages. I would gladly have done so anyway, and would apologise too of course, but now I have been put into a difficult situation as I can't do that without looking like I gave in to his threat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nobody else in their kitchen is rude or threatening, and I know most well enough to know they don't approve of his behaviour either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do (or say on this group chat) that will allow me to make amends and express regret without letting this person get away with threatening me with violence?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="534" LastEditorUserId="534" LastEditDate="2018-11-17T15:49:42.867" LastActivityDate="2018-11-17T15:49:42.867" Title="Drunkenly broke a bottle of sauce in someone's kitchen" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;apologies&gt;" AnswerCount="5" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19888" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19887" CreationDate="2018-11-15T14:34:54.243" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm in the maybe-not-so-unique position of having done exactly this last year, though I didn't get a threatening message. Whoops! I can see two solutions here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Be the bigger person. Paying for the damage you caused is the right thing to do, and you would have done it regardless of this message. Respond to the message, ignoring the vitriol in it. You could word that something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey! I'm sorry I broke the bottle - I didn't realise I'd done it at the time, or I would have made up for it sooner. I'll gladly pay for its replacement - what's the best way to get the money to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyone else sensible in that group chat will realise that you're not &lt;em&gt;giving in&lt;/em&gt;, you're just being a decent person and the real asshat here is the guy who was threatening over a £3 bottle of sauce.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ignore the message. Let it sit there as an example of how to not go about getting repaid. Separately, make contact with someone else in the flat (you could just knock on the door, if they're your neighbours), and offer to pay for a replacement. This method makes sure you're still doing the right thing, but doesn't justify the threatening message with a response.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="88" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T14:34:54.243" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19889" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19868" CreationDate="2018-11-15T14:41:05.680" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;I want to disclose that I haven't been in a similar situation yet. So if something with my way of thinking is completely wrong, please let me know.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Taking into consideration that he already stated that he will look for a new place, I would look for an open talk and maybe coming from another direction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just saying something in the meaning of &quot;&lt;em&gt;please search faster and move out&lt;/em&gt;&quot; is likely to leave a sour taste, instead just kindly ask how it's going and if he needs a helping hand with the search. This way you can signalize that you would like this to go faster but in a very friendly way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he states that he doesn't want to search until new year for example, or something similar, you could state that you would really appreciate it if it wouldn't take that long. Maybe because it's stressing you or isn't good for your mental health. But don't forget his side and situation. Moving during Christmas and new year can be stressful and unpleasant. So not pushing too much would also be very friendly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that second talk, you could make clear that it's nothing personal, but an incompatible way of living. You don't really have to state your OCD as a reason if you would not like, but it might be that he ask what you mean with incompatible. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that's the case feel free to disclose as much as you feel comfortable with. &#xA;As in the previous talk I would try to form the conversation in a way it doesn't sound like allegations. &quot;&lt;em&gt;you do that, you do this&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&#xA;Form it more defensive than &quot;&lt;em&gt;I can't handle if X is like Y because of Z&lt;/em&gt;&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With this way, you will hopefully have peaceful talks and it should resolve pretty fast. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6980" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-15T15:16:51.387" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T15:16:51.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19890" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19887" CreationDate="2018-11-15T15:07:59.227" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I fully agree with ArtOfCode's answer. Coming clean ignoring the threats is a great way to deal with it, especially if you expect the owner of the bottle to have posted the message to just vent his frustration more than actually wanting to make threats.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the alternative where you want to show that making threats is a really bad idea there's a possible way to respond to the chat message / mail as well without really making yourself known (or ask someone else to post this kind of response instead):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi [rude person],&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I get that you're frustrated about this but making threats is probably the worst way to deal with this situation. The only thing you achieve with this is scare away the perpetrator for coming clean, I know I wouldn't dare to speak up after reading your message ...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  In my opinion you lost your right for a proper apology with your agressive mail.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  The best we can hope for now is that a new bottle of [sause] magically apears in the fridge so we can forget about this unfortunate event.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  If a silly accident like this happens again in the future I suggest we make it know with a friendly message instead. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey guys, someone broke my bottle of [sause] yesterday. I'm sure it was just an accident, so if you remember doing it now, or if you know who did it can you ask them to please give me/us a new one / pay me back for the new bottle? Would be greatly appreciated, thanks!&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A message like that is way more likely to result in you getting compensation and a proper apology.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sincerely,&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  your friendly neighbour&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;the suggestion is based on how a minor theft (a minute soup was stolen) at my job was communicated through the internal chat. It resulted in both responses to take theft seriously and friendly mockery at the expense of the unknown thief. I can only assume that a compensation actually did appear on the victim's desk as suggested here but seeing how nothing more was said afterwards (not even gossip!) I doubt it was a problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T15:07:59.227" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19891" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19844" CreationDate="2018-11-15T16:28:21.873" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that it is your sister's responsibility to clean her share of the mess, it's just common courtesy if you are sharing a room. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My brother and I shared a room for much of our life (also a 5 year difference), and we had a few similar instances, though nothing as extreme as you describe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, there is very little you can do to press the moral obligation upon your sister. From the sound of it, she doesn't care that she is causing you distress, or she doesn't understand. If she is throwing around insults, I'd reckon the former is more likely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this really means a lot to you, I would recommend you sweeten the deal. Offer to do the dishes for a week if she cleans out all of her garbage. In my experience, there's a good chance something like that will work.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the chance that this doesn't work, I don't know what to tell you. Your sister seems to be very aggressive when the topic comes up, and responding kindly to that will not get you anywhere quick. Sure, Ghandi and MLK managed to make peace work in the long run, but they sure as hell suffered for it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Quick story time:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was a little kid, I never wanted to clean my room. It turned into a garbage heap after a while, and my mom couldn't get me to clean it up. So, she made the smartest parenting move I've ever seen. She cleaned it herself. She got rid of EVERYTHING that wasn't in its proper place. Threw it all in trash bags, sent it out to the curb. I was allowed to take 3 things out of the bags to keep, everything else was thrown away. I lost many good playing cards that day. I was furious for a while, but I sure as hell learned my lesson. Now, whenever my room gets too messy, I come home to find a plastic trash bag on my bed. It's a silent message from my mother: &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Either you do it yourself, or I'll do it for you&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;IMHO, I think the best course of action, if your sister won't negotiate, is to just start doing it for her. Even better if she is present when you do it. If what you say is true, she will get no sympathy if she tries to run to your mother for help. Tell her exactly what my mother conveyed to me: &lt;strong&gt;&quot;Either you do it yourself, or I'll do it for you&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do this, you accomplish two things. You get a clean room, and you show your sister that she can't walk all over you. I'm the younger sibling in the equation, and I can say 100% that sometimes we need to learn that lesson. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The KonMari method you describe sounds like a good method, to be sure, but I don't think you should subscribe to it religiously. It sounds to me like your sister needs a metaphorical slap in the face. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.S. If you want to do this without actually throwing her stuff out, try to hide it all in the attic or some other place she won't look, when she is not around. This way you can get the same effect, but she won't blow up as much from losing her stuff. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;P.P.S you should 100% run this method by your mother beforehand, if you decide to go with it. It will work much better if she is on board. Feel free to use me as a testimonial if you need to. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20115" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T16:28:21.873" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19893" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19887" CreationDate="2018-11-15T16:43:56.340" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would buy two new bottles of whatever sauce and deliver it, with an apology note.  It replaces what you broke, compensates for the broken glass and mess they had to clean up, and makes it clear you are apologetic and generous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Responding to the social media post is a waste of time. A sincere apology is done in private- which is what you have to do at this point- and is not the domain of social media.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21528" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T16:43:56.340" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19894" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19887" CreationDate="2018-11-15T17:31:57.967" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;@Zorkolot has, I think, the right idea in giving an extra bottle, it demonstrates that you are a good and generous-hearted person, not someone who had to be threatened into doing the right thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of the key things here is to ensure that the incident is wound up, with no lingering feeling on either side of indebtedness or injury, what you don't want is an ongoing feud with the people in the next kitchen. But on those lines, I'd suggest that you do stop and have a think about whether this was &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; about the broken sauce bottle. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a chance that the sauce bottle was in the nature of being the straw that broke the camel's back? You say that you were drunk, are you, or others often drunk in that kitchen? Does it habitually get left a mess because of 'outsiders', has it become the default 'party kitchen' and is everyone whose designated kitchen it is happy with the way it gets used? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Obviously it may be that none of this is the case, but it may be that what you have caught the brunt of is someone who feels they can hardly get any peace and all their bread gets stolen for midnight toast parties... or whatever you crazy kidz get up to these days. My college experience was that often, when someone blew their stack over shared facilities it was because they had come to the end of their tether rather than blown up at the first infraction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If something like that &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; going on, you might give them a break occasionally by moving the toast parties to your kitchen. And if it isn't, well who knows what stress that person has going on in their life, be the bigger person, make generous recompense and ensure you dn't do it again, then shrug it off and move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T17:31:57.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19897" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19826" CreationDate="2018-11-15T20:34:25.320" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off, in the office romances have a problem. A lot of relationships don't work, but when it's a person at your place of employment, the aftermath becomes very uncomfortable and potentially job threatening. Employers don't like this because it's an unnecessary interference with what the employees are supposed to be doing. Harsh words after a breakup are not uncommon. Harsh words after a breakup in the workplace have serious consequences. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your boss Eric also threw you a clue: &quot;I'm finding it hard to manage Mary&quot;. Uh, in what regard? That's not a good sign. You also have to wonder why he's putting you near her, when he probably knows about her behavior towards you. Maybe she's been coming on to him, too, and he just wants her attention diverted elsewhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, for some experience I learned the hard way. I don't know that it applies to your situation, but suspect that it might. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Like a lot of software developers, I was socially awkward in my college and early employment years. The idea of actually telling a woman I was very interested in her scared me to death. (She might say no thanks... how awful) My curse was that I must not have been a bad looking fellow, because I had more than one sharp looking young lady throw herself at me in a manner similar to what you describe. It was very flattering, at first. It was also emotionally easy... I didn't have to do anything, didn't have to run the chance I would be rejected. She was doing all the pursuing, and not wasting any time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Problem was, after a few months, they threw themself at someone else. Happened three times in a row. Naive me thought 'this was serious', and all of the sudden, that great attention I was getting, started going to someone else. That's what some people do, just move from one person to the next. Your job is to weed them out, so you don't get your feelings all munged up... like I did. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not a matter of a woman 'being aggressive', but how quickly she's being aggressive, when she probably doesn't know you all that well. It is quite possible she's doing it for reasons other than those that make for a long lasting relationship... you share a lot in common, or you have long discussions about anything and don't want to stop conversing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Same holds true for men: women I know have told me that men who get overly aggressive very quickly are usually just after quick sex, or they're compensating for strong personal insecurity. Neither of those situations makes for a happy long term relationship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For all you know, she might be going through a midlife crisis, or having a 'cougar moment', and you're her equivalent of a middle aged man buying a BMW M3. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Without knowing the individuals involved, just the actions, I see a very familiar pattern of behavior that I have lived through. No matter what it might seem like right now, there is a possibility that this won't last, and it can go sour for reasons that you have no control over. (I'm bored with this one, let's go find another) Just as it doesn't matter what you do, she's interested in you now, it won't matter what you do if she loses interest. She's still going to leave.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be careful letting yourself get attached to someone you don't know all that well, just because she's showering you with attention. It has been my experience that she may end up showering someone else with all that attention, in the near future. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to be happy with a person, you'll have to do what I had to do: get over that nervousness, look for elements of commonality in the person you're interested in, and work up the nerve to ask her if you two can meet after work. And just go have a good time, without being forward, and see where that leads you. When I did that, I met a wonderful woman that I shared a lot in common with, and she was a knockout beauty, too. I was the one guy at a boring party that wasn't overtly hitting on her, we found that we shared a love of dry British humor, and as I left, she insisted that I take her phone number and call her to resume our interesting discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary, so that worked out quite nicely. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19337" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T20:34:25.320" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19898" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19844" CreationDate="2018-11-15T22:49:12.747" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;While Cubemaster’s method seems quite effective, it also seems quite confrontational so I thought you might benefit from an alternative (after which you can still use Cubemaster’s method if it fails).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m not saying it’s your responsibility to keep the peace (if your sister is routinely insulting you she certainly doesn’t seem to do her part) but you are sharing a room (and you are sisters) so maybe it’s worth it to try a more cooperative approach first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think your sister would enjoy having a decluttered room but the long-term rewards don’t outweigh the short-term efforts in her mind (in a word, procrastination). You could try and sit down with her and tell her how you feel about all the cluttering (with the usual spiel of non-judgmental I-statements) and sincerely ask her whether she would prefer a clutter-free room (and maybe you can subtly mention some ways in which she would benefit from it – you listed some good ones in your post here already). If she says yes, suggest to clean together and have her pick a date and time a few days from now. Have her get her agenda/planner and write down your appointment (and treat it as such). This way, the cleaning effort is also distant, much like the rewards (which are only marginally more distant this time). Hopefully, this also circumvents the “I don’t feel like it” excuse since even if she doesn’t feel like it now, she doesn’t know how she will feel at the time of your appointment, at which time she will already have agreed to clean the room. Then, when the time of your appointment is there, work together to clean the room. Of course, if she refuses to keep your appointment you still have Cubemaster’s threats, but I think there’s a good chance she won’t if you approach this as a cooperative effort and help her. In other words, be on her side. Maybe you can teach her this KonMari method (I don’t know it, but it seems to have helped you quite a lot) or show her how to sort (and throw out) her stuff in a different way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may feel like undeserved hand-holding, but I think it could really help her which might appeal to you since you care about your little sister (hopefully).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I’m suggesting this because in the past I have put off many tasks (a bad habit I still am prone to) and when I still lived with my parents sometimes one of them took interest/pity and helped me by making an appointment and assisting with the procrastinated task much like I described above. The best example is when I was putting off boxing my stuff to move out. I had found a tiny apartment close to the college I was going to shortly before and now I had to plan the move. I didn’t have a lot of stuff to move and I was genuinely looking forward to living on my own, but somehow I still didn’t take action. After a while my father simply told me he would rent a van and pick up my boxes and me at a specific time on a specific day. At the agreed time, I stood outside with my boxes feeling immensely grateful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2603" LastEditorUserId="2603" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T14:15:15.820" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T14:15:15.820" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19899" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19845" CreationDate="2018-11-15T23:19:54.947" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been on the other side of this situation with my now-husband. We didn't talk about our finances in detail until we’d been together for a couple years and started seriously planning to get married.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You’re probably aware (but just in case, and for the benefit of other readers), that US student loan debt is... really not great. It can’t be discharged in bankruptcy and there are very limited situations in which you &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; have some of it forgiven. With the amount you mentioned, you're probably looking at sizable monthly payments, which will impact your budgeting, savings rate, and ability to qualify for other loans (e.g. a mortgage).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, two main questions to think about first:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What is your plan for paying off your loans?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What have you and BF talked about as a plan for your future together? Is what you've discussed actually viable, given your debt?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you feel prepared, let him know you want to talk. Depending on your relationship, you might tell him the topic beforehand, or just ask him to set aside some time. This will help set the stage that it's a serious conversation and ensure you have plenty of time to discuss if needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since you’ll undoubtedly revisit the topic of budgeting in your relationship, I’d suggest keeping this initial conversation focused on simply laying out your situation. Explain your plan, show that you’re taking this seriously and being responsible. You don’t need to get into the nitty-gritty of exact numbers if you’re not comfortable with that, but at least saying what you’ve said here - six figures - is probably descriptive enough for your purposes at this stage. (Don’t be too vague, though! My SO only said at first that it was “a lot”, and I was a bit shocked finding out later just how “a lot” it was, because I had never been in so much debt myself. If your boyfriend didn't go to college, he may not be aware of what &quot;a lot&quot; of student loans can be, either.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, &lt;em&gt;listen&lt;/em&gt;. He might be disappointed or sad, he might want to share something about his own finances, he might roll up his sleeves and help you make a budget. This really depends on his personality and how disruptive this news is to any joint future plans you have, so I can only advise you to be patient and calm with answering questions he might have. Either way, it will likely be a learning experience for both of you - and financial compatibility is extremely important for long-term relationships, so that's a good thing!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Personally, I reacted with all of the above -- obviously it wasn’t a dealbreaker, but it was a bit of a rude awakening. I had been imagining and daydreaming about how we would get married and buy a cute little house together in 3-5 years, so I was pretty disappointed when I found out that wasn’t going to happen. So it’s great that you’re having this conversation now, so you can set realistic expectations.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that your goal is just to let him know about your debt, and that you aren't currently financially entangled, I wouldn't advise asking him to reveal his financial situation during this conversation. If he volunteers, that's one thing, but it could come off very poorly (prying or even opportunistic) to inquire during this same conversation. Instead, save that for another time when he feels ready to share his side too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastActivityDate="2018-11-15T23:19:54.947" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19903" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19861" CreationDate="2018-11-16T09:52:12.617" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Suicides are on the increase, and everybody wants to help. Not all people giving advice on the subject are qualified to help, or even right. I'm certainly not qualified, but I do have some experience of this close to home.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Talking is vital to the prevention of suicide. And you are seeking an interpersonal solution so you obviously want to say &lt;em&gt;something&lt;/em&gt; to your friend that will help. But the words you choose are vitally important. Not being qualified, I would not want to put any words into your mouth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is why you have to be so careful: For a person who &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; contemplating suicide, having someone to talk to about the underlying causes of their feelings is a lifeline. There are lots of charities and individuals always publicising helplines or other means of talking to someone with a view to preventing them from taking their life. However - there is also growing evidence that &lt;em&gt;talking about suicide itself&lt;/em&gt; is unhelpful and may actually be contributing to deaths. As many as 5% of youth suicides are so-called &quot;copycat&quot; suicides; that is where someone with a mental illness has perhaps heard, read about, and subsequently obsessed about someone else's suicide, and then emulated it. These tend to occur in clusters too - several may happen in one area in a short period of time. So actually, the many well-meaning individuals &quot;raising awareness&quot; of suicide and attempts to &quot;de-stigmatise&quot; it &lt;em&gt;may&lt;/em&gt; actually be putting the idea into the heads of many who would otherwise not have contemplated it. Like I said, there are differing schools of thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be a friend to them. Assure them of their worth and their value to you. By all means, raise the incident (it would be an elephant in the room otherwise) but with the purpose of talking about any problems they are facing in life and seeking solutions. Don't dwell on the attempt itself. Most importantly, encourage them to seek &lt;em&gt;professional help&lt;/em&gt; if they have not already received it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T10:16:29.397" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T10:16:29.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19904" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19887" CreationDate="2018-11-16T11:15:37.487" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So you already instinctively know what to do - pay for the damages (a jar of sauce, that should cost you all of 87p at LIDL) and apologise. What you are looking for is a way of doing that without &quot;giving in&quot; to the unreasonably threatening demand from the sauce's owner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You simply need to do exactly what you know you should do. Say sorry, and promise to pay for the sauce. Do this on the forum of &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; choice - which is the public group chat on which they raised the issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would reply to the group chat with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I apologise unreservedly for the accident and accept full responsiblity. I will of course replace the sauce like-for-like. Please can you tell me the precise brand and type so that I can compensate you properly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yes it does sound sarcastic, but only in the light of the pettiness of their complaint. This is why you do not need to employ any special strategy for your apology, because by accepting the blame and doing the right thing you show yourself to be a decent person. Meanwhile, the other person has shown themselves to be officious and petty in front of a chat group over something as trivial as a jar of sauce. I really, really hope that it turns out to be the cheapest smart-price sub-50p sauce, just to really hammer home how ridiculous this complaint was.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T11:15:37.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19905" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19908" CreationDate="2018-11-16T12:44:47.917" Score="2" ViewCount="245" Body="&lt;p&gt;I need to send a case to the French Ministry of Justice for personal issues, so this is pretty much an official and important mail. I don't know who will read this mail so I can't begin the letter with something like,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Mr./Mrs/Ms. Robinson,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or even &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Sir/Madam,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyways, I wouldn't know how to use the two expressions above should the addressee person be of a different gender. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To my knowledge, there's no established rule to handle this situation in French.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the etiquette for beginning a formal letter (in English) when you don't know who will read it? I don't want to offend the person who will read it should they be of a different gender than those addressed by the &quot;Sir&quot; and &quot;Madam&quot; words. I'm most interested in French etiquette but I'm aware there are not so many French-speaking people around so, I'm interested in any way to express it in English that I can translate later on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="102" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T14:41:29.043" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T17:35:38.487" Title="What's the etiquette for greeting people in a formal letter?" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;france&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19906" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19905" CreationDate="2018-11-16T13:04:57.647" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; know the name of the person you are writing to, standard etiquette &lt;em&gt;in English&lt;/em&gt; is to use:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Sir/Madam&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just like that, as shown, with both options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you sign off a letter begun this way, you should use &quot;&lt;em&gt;Yours faithfully&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Do not use &quot;yours sincerely&quot;, as this is reserved for when you have named the person you are writing to. (see &lt;a href=&quot;https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/13586/is-it-yours-faithfully-or-yours-sincerely&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; for confirmation)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I appreciate that you are concerned someone &quot;may not identify&quot; with &quot;Dear Sir/Madam&quot;, but while times might be changing with regard to gender identification, at the time of writing there is no &quot;new&quot; etiquette for writing a formal letter. This is the correct way. The chance of you being unlucky enough to have your letter read by the one person in a million who takes offense at a long-established and widely-used formal address is far, far slimmer than your chance of having your letter looked down upon because it did &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; follow the correct formalities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As this is an &lt;em&gt;English language&lt;/em&gt; site and you posed your question in English, my answer is correct for use in English. You have included a tag to show you are in France. As it happens, my family all live in France and so I am also able to confirm that the equivalent formal address and sign-off in French would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Madame, Monsieur&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which means &quot;Sir/madam&quot;, and&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Je vous prie d’agréer Madame, Monsieur mes sincères salutations&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;which is a very long-winded &quot;Yours sincerely&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T17:35:38.487" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T17:35:38.487" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19907" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19922" CreationDate="2018-11-16T14:17:24.887" Score="33" ViewCount="3810" Body="&lt;p&gt;My oldest daughter is 19 and told me last halloween that she's bi.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My daughter is amazingly high functioning (mentally, socially, even professionally) but is living at home at the moment because her college is local.  After she came out to me I thought about it for a while but decided I simply didn't care.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My wife is pretty old school, i.e. homosexuality is a learned behavior, people can choose, etc.  She's also a control freak when it comes to our kids.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to prepare my wife for my kid telling her that she's dating a woman?  At the moment she has no clue (daughter has dated boys in the past) although everyone else in the house knows.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit to put in resolution:&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;About two months after I posted this, my daughter came out of the closet to my wife.  No screaming.  No throwing her out of the house or her life.  Strong disagreement that being bi is a good thing.  Sometimes she talks to me about where-did-we-go-wrong.&lt;/em&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;She's still accepting her as a daughter if not fully as bi, so victory I guess.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Long term it's a process, but I'm reasonably happy with where everyone is now considering the alternatives.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Thank you.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7897" LastEditorUserId="7897" LastEditDate="2019-03-28T16:47:16.060" LastActivityDate="2019-04-06T04:13:05.080" Title="How to get my wife to accept bisexuality before our daughter comes out of the closet?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="11" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19908" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19905" CreationDate="2018-11-16T14:21:11.947" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't speak to French etiquette, but in English if you have a formal letter/email and you're not sure who it will actually be read by, you usually begin with:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To whom it may concern,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.oed.com/view/Entry/38153?redirectedFrom=to+whom+it+may+concern#eid8643073&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;The OED&lt;/a&gt; defines this phrase as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;P1. &lt;strong&gt;whom it may concern&lt;/strong&gt; and variants: a formula used to address or refer to an audience whose identity is unknown, esp. (in &lt;strong&gt;to whom it may concern&lt;/strong&gt;) at the beginning of a letter, notice, or testimonial. Also in extended use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally I prefer &quot;To whom it may concern&quot; over &quot;Dear Sir/Madam&quot; as the former makes it clear that this is intended to be read by any person (or people) the letter applies to. While the latter is strangely directed at one imaginary person--who may not even like being called Sir &lt;strong&gt;or&lt;/strong&gt; Madam!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T14:21:11.947" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19909" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19905" CreationDate="2018-11-16T14:22:12.663" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;It is up to you to decide if this is a bit too cold, but you can hardly ever go wrong with &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;To Whom it may Concern&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This has a very formal feel, if a bit impersonal. I find it very useful when you don't know exactly by whom the letter will be read. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is too impersonal, and you know more specifically who it will be sent to, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Sir/Madam&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;is perfectly appropriate and respectful. Nobody reasonable would expect you to include the multiplicity of new pronouns (especially considering &lt;a href=&quot;https://bernardgoldberg.com/31-genders-new-york-city-2016/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;the situation in places like New York&lt;/a&gt;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that when being politically correct turns a letter into a novella, it's best to take your chances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20115" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T14:22:12.663" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19910" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19907" CreationDate="2018-11-16T14:37:59.143" Score="28" Body="&lt;p&gt;As much as I hate to say this, anything you can do to &quot;soften the blow&quot;, so to speak, might be entirely ineffective. If your wife is that against the idea, it is probably a much better idea for both you and your daughter if you hold on to the secret until she is out of the house and living on her own. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she's really a control freak like you say, and she honestly thinks that sexual orientation is a &quot;learned behavior&quot;, she will likely think that she can &quot;fix&quot; your daughter, and she will try to do so without hearing your opinion on the matter. I don't think I need to stress how much tension and disaster this could cause for your interpersonal relationships. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wait until your daughter is financially and socially independent, then your wife still won't like the news, but she won't have any control over the situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, this is a highly volatile situation, and the answer to your question depends on your wife's personality. Nobody on this site knows her better than you do. It comes down to whether your wife values family bonds more than her values. If you honestly think there is a risk of violence or forced &quot;conversion therapy&quot;, I would urge you to hold on to the secret. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide it needs to be said, it still depends on her personality to decide how to break the news. Some people would benefit from a metaphorical slap in the face, just laying it on the table straight out. Some people need to be eased into an idea. Without knowing your wife personally, I can't give you a definitive answer on what to do. I don't think any of us can. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20115" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T14:43:33.767" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T14:43:33.767" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19911" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19905" CreationDate="2018-11-16T15:00:29.530" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The french post office website has a section dedicated to this. You can find it &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.laposte.fr/particulier/courriers-colis/conseils-pratiques/rediger-une-lettre-formelle-quelles-formules-de-politesse&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt; (french link).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Apparently, the preferred formulation should be :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Madame, Monsieur&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Which is the rough equivalent of the English form :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Dear Sir/Madam&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I encourage you to read the full page as it contains other useful tips.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edit:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://www.btb.termiumplus.gc.ca/tpv2guides/guides/clefsfp/index-fra.html?lang=fra&amp;amp;lettr=indx_catlog_e&amp;amp;page=9CljS-UkLxu8.html#an6&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Here&lt;/a&gt; is a link to Canada's translation bureau recommendations about how to use inclusive writing in official communications.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The recommendation is to use :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Bonjour&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, you should note that this formulation is less formal than the gender-biased one. It will be up to you to determine which formulation the recipient is likely to take the least offense to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7354" LastEditorUserId="7354" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T15:50:25.087" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T15:50:25.087" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19913" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19883" CreationDate="2018-11-16T16:40:47.263" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm from France but I believe that there might be some cultural differences that I'm also interested in.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My knowledge of French culture and etiquette is limited - I'm UK based so this is from a UK perspective (hope it's still useful!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's no hard and fast rule on this - but for what it's worth I (and most people I know) would treat a second repeated call straight away as an indicator that it was an urgent matter (certainly that it was more urgent than dinner plans for later in the week)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;her not calling back soon would have caused me some anxiety&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get this, I really do - I'd probably have felt the same way. &lt;em&gt;However&lt;/em&gt; doing what you did is a big no-no as an anxious person for three reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You're making &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; anxiety &lt;em&gt;someone else's&lt;/em&gt; problem, I've got some wonderful friends who do their best to accommodate my anxiety but that doesn't come at zero effort for them and it would be an abuse of their good will for me to effectively make &lt;em&gt;demands&lt;/em&gt; that they immediately drop whatever they are doing in order to minimise my anxiety in every situation. I don't get to unilaterally decide that my anxiety takes precedence at all times.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Consider that you are possibly causing &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; anxiety in the process of trying to avert your own. Speaking as someone with pretty severe anxiety issues myself had I been your cousin and I received two back to back calls like that during the work day I would likely have started catastrophizing about the reason for the calls (Argh.. has Noon had an accident? Are they okay? Has someone else had an accident??? Argh!!)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You're providing potential fuel for your &lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; anxiety - if she hadn't answered the second time would you have been more or less anxious than at one missed call? (Argh! My cousin hasn't answered &lt;strong&gt;two&lt;/strong&gt; of my calls! Is she okay? Has she had an accident? Is she ignoring me? Does she hate me now??? Argh!)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She usually works from home on Monday&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just because someone is working from home doesn't mean they are going to be free to answer a personal call, they could be in the middle of a complex task, or a conference call over Skype or whatever. I'm inferring from your post that had she been working in the &lt;em&gt;office&lt;/em&gt; you wouldn't have made the repeat call - a good rule of thumb is that unless you definitively know it to be otherwise treat someone working at home the same as if they were working in an office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;What I'd suggest doing differently&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In future for calls of a similar nature - I'd suggest that if you don't get an answer to an initial call the appropriate thing to do is to send a text with the query. This neatly covers most scenarios where they didn't answer - if it was (as you presumed) a case of them not hearing the call but they are otherwise free you are not only giving them a second opportunity to hear the phone but even if they don't (say they were making a coffee or something) then the chances are good they will see the message relatively soon and be able to reply with minimum disruption to you both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they &lt;em&gt;aren't&lt;/em&gt; free then you are giving them the opportunity to respond as soon as they are (and avoid phone tennis should &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; not be free when they are). You are also allowing them to make a judgement on the relative urgency of the request vs what they are doing at the time. If I get a &lt;em&gt;text&lt;/em&gt; about dinner plans and I'm just working then I'll reply relatively quickly, if I'm in a meeting I'll wait until I'm out of it or there's a natural break.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're also clearly sending the acknowledgement that they are a person with their own concerns and schedule and that you are respecting that whatever they are doing at that moment can legitimately take priority over your objectively low-urgency query.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This also means that in situations where there is a very real urgent need for them to answer that they can have a reasonable expectation that back-to-back calls may be an indicator of that and they can respond accordingly - and taking a call in a meeting is one of those things that they may consider worth doing if it's urgent. If too much of a precedent is set that the call could as easily be about dinner plans for two days hence as a broken leg then you risk them assuming the former and missing the latter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T16:40:47.263" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19914" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-16T19:22:31.580" Score="1" ViewCount="542" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know that this matter is not strictly &quot;interPERSONAL&quot;, but that's the problem -- I know there's a cat but I don't know who the owner is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All I know is, the home owner association I live under is the stereotypical one run by spiteful old people. We do have a mailing list, but posting a complaint/plea there would more likely cause them glee than give me a straight answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We are 37 households, and only we and 2 others have (small) kids -- the rest are pensioners. We are talking with only two other households; there is not a lot of communal spirit here -- the first HOA meeting I attended, about a week after we moved in, made it clear to me (in ways I shall not go into here) just how hostile, ludicrously infantile, and petty these people are (even towards each other, not just &quot;newcomers&quot;). Later, I requested that the run-down communal play area receive a bit of maintenance, only to be shot down rather rudely. I am decidedly not in good standing in their minds, and that is why I cannot think they would be very inclined to help me avoid their cat's poop in my garden.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind cats (or dogs, birds, etc.) but I very specifically don't want a pet in my household. Yet I have a problem that I'm unsure of how to deal with &lt;em&gt;in a reasonable way&lt;/em&gt;. This is all in Denmark, so US laws and customs may not apply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This year, a cat has been pooping in our garden, and ripping out grass or whatever else was around the scene of the crime, to cover it up. I obviously don't want this to continue (I would like my garden un-ripped, and my two small daughters would prefer it un-pooped-in also). It also has been leaving little puke pies around our cars in the drive way, which are quite disgusting, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But how do I stop the cat? I have tried planting &quot;scaredy cat&quot; plants, whose smell were supposed to discourage cats from coming near, but they don't work. I have also tried putting down metal webbing in the flower beds (because I heard that they don't like to step on such things and/or can't dig in it), and while that worked I can't extend that practice across my entire lawn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Local law says that it's the responsibility of the pet owner to make sure that one's pet does not annoy others. This means I should go talk to the owner of said cat and ask them to keep the cat out of my garden. To which I would object: (a) I am convinced that &lt;em&gt;no&lt;/em&gt; cat owner would agree to confining their cat because it roams in places that other people don't want it to; and (b) I don't even know whose cat this is! I have caught a glimpse of one cat, and followed it to the garden of a neighbour who has a cat door in their front door -- I am aware that this says absolutely zero about whether it's their cat or not. I have obviously not been able to read the chip or tattooed number in the cat's ear either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask my neighbors - so that I will have an honest answer - who is the owner of this trespassing cat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2365" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T23:48:23.453" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T17:15:49.557" Title="How can I ask my neighbors - so that I will have an honest answer - who is the owner of this trespassing cat?" Tags="&lt;neighbors&gt;&lt;pets&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19916" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19917" CreationDate="2018-11-16T20:50:48.573" Score="8" ViewCount="1291" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm terrible at phone calls. I don't know how to put an end to them if the other person doesn't take the initiative to put an end to them themselves. This is generally not a problem except with my aunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is how a phone call with her usually goes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She calls, and we talk for a while. There is a blank in the conversation, one that usually indicates that the conversation is over. But, with my aunt, the blank stay a little and then she finds something else to say and doesn't end the conversation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conversation keeps going until the next blank. If it's long enough, I will say &quot;well..&quot; to try to indicate that it's time to end the conversation. But she will still find a new subject and talk about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then the conversation goes on and on with me feeling trapped and unable to put an end to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how can I end a phone call with my aunt without sounding rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="19704" LastEditDate="2018-11-20T04:22:06.963" LastActivityDate="2019-12-20T11:09:07.493" Title="How can I end a phone-call with my aunt without sounding rude?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19917" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19916" CreationDate="2018-11-16T21:52:56.537" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;The main issue I see from your description is that &quot;well...&quot; is still fairly ambiguous, so while you mean &quot;well, time to wrap up!&quot; she sees it as &quot;well, time for a new topic!&quot;. So it sounds like you need to &lt;strong&gt;be more explicit&lt;/strong&gt; about signalling your intent to end the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am terrible at ending phone conversations too, especially with my mom, who always has lots of random news she could keep sharing. What works best for me is &lt;strong&gt;making polite excuses&lt;/strong&gt;. Even if the reasons feel a bit weak, it feels less rude than being blunt and less awkward than waiting for them, and it's a pretty common social signal (at least in my circles; I'm from US, and I picked this up in part from noticing how other family members ended phone conversations with me).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually these excuses take the form of household chores, since that's an understandable thing that everyone has to do. For instance,&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Well, I should fold my laundry before it gets too wrinkly...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Gotta take care of those dishes before bedtime...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I ought to start dinner soon...&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bonus points if you can mention these things earlier in the conversation! Usually there is a natural point, like: &quot;so what'd you do today?&quot; -&gt; &quot;Long day at work, and I have to get some stuff done around the apartment still! Good thing it's almost the weekend, right?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another option is to &lt;strong&gt;frame it as a favor to &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, if she mentioned things that she has to do too. &quot;Well, I don't want want to keep you, sounds like you have a busy day ahead!&quot; is another very strong hint to end the conversation. If she is not good at taking hints, you could take this another step further and just say it straight out:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, I don't want to keep you, and I have to run some errands before it's too dark out. It was great talking!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a last resort, you can also &lt;strong&gt;schedule your calls&lt;/strong&gt; so that you &lt;em&gt;have&lt;/em&gt; to go for some external reason, like calling before an event, or strategically starting some task that will need your full attention in an hour. I wouldn't recommend doing this consistently (as she may pick up on the pattern, and feel like you're avoiding her), but it has worked for me in the past when I felt obligated to call home but really didn't want to get stuck on a phone call.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-16T23:23:06.897" LastActivityDate="2018-11-16T23:23:06.897" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19918" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20097" CreationDate="2018-11-17T04:04:15.337" Score="1" ViewCount="472" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine (Xander) came to me with a business idea that seemed a good one and offered me to work on it. However, he was unable to negotiate with investors and we did not start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One month later, another friend (Yann) called me and showed interest in investing money in an idea. I want to offer Xander's idea to Yann and start it. I don't want to break up with X, so I want to offer him to join us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is, if me and Xander started this together, Xander would've had a lot more share than now, because his amount of contribution will decrease drastically.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As there is a high chance of rejection by Xander, how can I properly elaborate the situation and ask him to join us so that things go well?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Notes:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Xander is resourceful, so having him on the team is beneficial.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is not a new idea, it's just a plan to produce an already built Tech device.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22931" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T12:20:27.417" Title="How to tell friend I want to use their business idea?" Tags="&lt;business&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19920" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19937" CreationDate="2018-11-17T10:01:37.527" Score="2" ViewCount="618" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a small group of friends, consisting of three people (names changed obviously): Leon (he's 20, know him for about 6 years or so), Andi (19, know him for roughly a year) and Chris (18, also know him for roughly a year). I myself am 21.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We get along very well and have a lot of fun when we're together and going out. But what bugs me about all 3 of my friends is that they are very unreliable. They might even call one another out for being unreliable but can't seem to understand, that, they themselves, are as unreliable as the others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Example:&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;Often I have to plan things to do or else we end up doing the same stuff over and over again every weekend. When asking them what they are up to at the weekend and presenting them what we could do, 9/10 times they respond something along the lines of &quot;Eh I don't know man I have to look. I'll catch up to you later&quot;. Thing is, they rarely reach back to me and if I really want to hang out with them, I have to ask again. We don't have a group chat anymore because when I was asking them about their weekend plans in the group chats I'd never get a response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So now let's say I reach back to Leon and ask again. Then he'll most certainly will make a decision and also ask what the others are up to. When I then tell Leon they don't know yet and haven't responded, he'll say something like &quot;Oh they are so unreliable it's always the same&quot; &lt;strong&gt;although&lt;/strong&gt; he is acting in exactly the same way 9/10 times. Same scenario can be applied when I reach back to either Andi or Chris.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not that they don't want to hang out with me at all (I think), because we always have a lot of fun. And when we're out we also talk about stuff we could do in the future. It's rather that they don't want to plan anything I guess.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I, politely yet effectively, communicate to each of them that I need them to become more reliable?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-11-18T22:45:26.080" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T14:48:59.460" Title="Communicate to a group of friends that I dislike their unreliability" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19921" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="193" CreationDate="2018-11-17T16:41:39.977" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The response that I give when I've wanted, and feel I deserve, the apology:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Thank you, I appreciate that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like this because it states that our relationship remains intact, but implies that I'm &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; ok with what they did: They should not just forget about it, rather, it &lt;strong&gt;was&lt;/strong&gt; a problem, and I don't want them to do it again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Oddly, this implication only works because the &lt;strong&gt;standard&lt;/strong&gt; method of accepting an apology is to &quot;blow it off&quot;, as described in &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/690/21067&quot;&gt;TheTermiteSociety's Answer&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17674" LastEditorUserId="17674" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T15:03:32.567" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T15:03:32.567" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19922" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19907" CreationDate="2018-11-17T18:03:14.657" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am someone who deeply cares about social justice. The other members of my family care less about those things than I do. Now that I am aware of a lot of social issues, I can see things that I didn't see before. This means that, sometimes, when I hear my family talking, I can see that they are not as inclusive and as open-minded as I would want them to be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is what I try to do in my day to day life to open the eyes of my family. It's a long process, and some member of my family are more responsive to it than others, but it's working (even though it's clearly not as fast as I wish it to be).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Lead by example&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want your wife to be more open to bisexual people, you need to be open yourself but, most of all, you need to show that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone is badmouthing bi people, you need to take a stand and publicly call them out. It's not an easy thing to do but it shows other people where you stand, it shows that you have strong beliefs about that and it might leads other to believe that you have good reason to be so sure of yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you do it again, and again, and again, at some point, they might join you into thinking that be people are nice, regular, human being.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Normalize the subject&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't treat this subject as a taboo. Doing so implies that there is, indeed, something wrong about being bi. Instead, talk about it often and casually. For example, if someone assumes someone else sexual orientation, say something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or they might be gay. Or bi.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to make a big deal about it. Just treat the fact of being bi as a normal and unsurprising possibility and it might become a normal and unsurprising possibility for the other members of your family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Share your knowledge&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm interested in a subject, I read about it a lot. When doing so, I often find articles who made me say &amp;quot;if only my family read this, I'm sure they would be more tolerant toward X&amp;quot;. So, when I find an article like this, I share it with them. A warning though, don't do this too often. If you send them too many articles, they will just stop reading them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If sharing articles is not a possibility for you, you can also share little facts that will help your wife see bi people in a positive light (or, at least, make her feel bad for them. Like if you talk about LGBT+ people suicide rate). I usually do that during the meal or while we are on the road. You just need to find a time where your wife is open to chitchat/talking.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Warning&lt;/strong&gt;: If your wife isn't responding well to you sharing those things with her, don't push it too much. If you push too much, your wife might close herself to the subject and you will lose all chance to convince her that bi people don't need to be &amp;quot;fixed&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a final note, I just want to say that you really need to be patient. I don't think you can get your wife to accept bisexuality before your daughter comes out (because that could take 10, 20, 50, 70 years or more) but I strongly believe that you could, at least, improve things. Even just a little, even if you don't see it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-04-06T04:13:05.080" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19926" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19956" CreationDate="2018-11-17T20:12:35.123" Score="5" ViewCount="1037" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend whose family I also know. Her mother likes me, and addresses me as her &quot;(my ethnicity) daughter&quot;, or herself as my &quot;(her ethnicity) mother&quot; as a form of endearment. I live in a Western, English-speaking country where I am an ethnic minority, and she is part of the ethnic majority.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't have a problem with her being friendly, and even pointing out my minority status continuously doesn't bother me as much as the fact that she calls herself my mother. I have a very close relationship with my own mother, who is the only mother I need, and feel quite uncomfortable that my friend's mother is almost putting herself on equal footing with my mother despite not having 'earned it'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the same time, I understand it is her way of expressing affection, and would like to tell her that calling me her daughter, or herself as my mother makes me uncomfortable without coming across as rude. This has also gone on for many years and I have not previously indicated that it was unwelcome (although I have also never encouraged it or used the terms myself). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Edits to include comments&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The mentioned friend is her daughter, and they have a good relationship, so it is not the case that I am 'a daughter she always wanted', but she just has a normal level of affection for me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have always called her by her first name. She also doesn't exclusively refer to me as 'daughter', more often it is by my first name, but the term 'daughter' does surface once in a while.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I would be happy with any non-familial endearment term, and some familial or quasi-familial terms (e.g. aunty), where there is no restriction on the number of these that you can have (as opposed to godmother, where there is typically just one).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22938" LastEditorDisplayName="user22938" LastEditDate="2018-11-20T20:54:58.973" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T20:54:58.973" Title="How to ask someone to stop addressing me with a certain form of endearment" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;new-zealand&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19932" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-18T13:13:44.233" Score="10" ViewCount="1973" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a 30 year old male and I've been married for 10 years. I work in an all-male environment. I don't have female friends. I have no male-female relationship experience outside of my marriage. In short, I suck at it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A couple of months ago, I decided to learn to play violin. I hired a very attractive girl a few years younger than me, and made a big mistake of not telling her that I was married (I don't wear a ring). We talk a lot during our lessons and progressively I came to realize that she's attracted to me. She doesn't flirt openly, but I know. The fact that I'm also attracted to her probably contributed to why I never said anything, because enjoying opposite sex attention after 10 years of a somewhat mundane relationship was very important to me, which is selfish and I blame myself for that. I mirrored her interest, i.e. I showed her signs that I was interested, too. Because I was and am, and I'm not used to controlling my emotional feedback.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now comes a moment where I think she's about to ask me out very soon, especially with Christmas around the corner. I don't know what to do, because I can't bring myself to disappoint her by casually mentioning my wife in a conversation. I know it may be painful to her, because it sure is very painful for me to know that this thing cannot lead anywhere. I don't want to cause her any suffering, because I care about her. I realize that this mess is my fault entirely...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the least painful way to tell her that I'm married? Is there any way to turn this into a friendship? Leaving my wife or having an affair is not even on the table.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Edit 1: I was asked in the comments to specify the country/culture. It's Western Europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22945" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-11-27T12:51:47.320" LastActivityDate="2018-11-27T12:51:47.320" Title="How to tell my violin teacher who's interested in me that I'm actually married after I sent positive signals back for months?" Tags="&lt;europe&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;marriage&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-11-27T15:57:33.827" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19934" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19939" CreationDate="2018-11-18T16:35:56.313" Score="3" ViewCount="806" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend rings my phone each and every day, and I have to talk to her 30-60 minutes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm kind of sick of the phone as of yet. How can I tell her that without hurting her feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Additional, possibly helpful, info:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;me: 33 years&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;her: 21 years&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;We're together for about a year.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Country: Czech Republic.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Possible reason: We see each other one day a week.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8426" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T11:24:46.203" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T11:24:46.203" Title="How to tell my SO to limit our phone conversations?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;phone-calls&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19935" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19934" CreationDate="2018-11-18T19:30:28.627" Score="-2" Body="&lt;h1&gt;What to say if your girlfriend is calling too often and she knows that you don't like that&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother is a &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; talkative person and I, on the other hand, don't like talking, especially on the phone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mother knows that and this is why, when I feel she is calling too often, I'm able to tell her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mom, you already called yesterday. Please stop calling me that often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since she knows that I don't like phone-calls, she is always very comprehensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Communicating the new &amp;quot;rules&amp;quot; of your relationship to your girlfriend&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, you first need to have a conversation with your girlfriend about the fact that you want her to call less often/for a shorter amount of time each time. I don't have a SO and I'm definitively not an expert in this kind of relationship. However, here are some answers on related questions that might be able to help you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/4275/21067&quot;&gt;How to tell girlfriend I don&amp;#39;t want to meet without hurting her feelings?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is honesty. Just tell her how you feel. If this is difficult for you, my experience is that if you just tell her that you're sorting out some feelings about your relationship, she will invite you to share them (and genuinely want to hear them.) Most people will surprise you with how appreciative they are of honesty, even when you're being honest about something they dislike. The hurt feelings are temporary, but the trust your honesty builds is long-lasting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just be sure that if you explain not just what you want, but why you want it. You're redefining the relationship not because you're not happy with her, but because you want to create a dynamic between the two of you that can work for both of you long term. Let her know that you've been doing things just for her, and need to be allowed to do more for yourself, otherwise you don't think that the relationship can work, and you want to make it work. The changes actually represent a bigger commitment to her, not less of one, even though it means time spent together where you're less attentive toward her. Be sure she understands that.&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;-- &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/4301/21067&quot;&gt;JessieArr&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The answers for this other question might also be helpful: &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/7531/21067&quot;&gt;How do I tell my guests that I need time alone?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-18T20:26:45.413" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19937" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19920" CreationDate="2018-11-18T23:00:29.683" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;From what I understand:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;They are all unreliable in communication to each other&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You would like to do something different with them&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You don't want to break up the group by being mad at them, and you enjoy their company&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would wait until the next time you are all together, and then ask them to sit down. Suggest to them that you would like for them to listen because this is important to you. This will make it so they understand they are not obligated to listen to you. This also emphasizes that what you have to say is important, and they have the choice to listen or not. Make your tone of voice light, but sincere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next, I suggest that you explain several things to them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them how you feel about being unable to make plans in an efficient manner, using &quot;I feel...&quot; statements. Most importantly, after you express that, &lt;em&gt;listen to their explanations&lt;/em&gt; of why they are behaving this way. You don't necessarily have to believe in these explanations, but keep your mouth shut until they are done. This shows that you are willing to be flexible and want to be friends with them, and understand where they're coming from if they have any other difficulties in life.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using &quot;I feel...&quot; statements to explain that you feel frustrated when you try to plan something and they don't communicate to you will help them understand that you don't feel great when you try to make plans with them. Ask them to make up their mind in a reasonable amount of time, (ex. one day to one week) about whether they have other plans they want to set up themselves. Using &quot;I feel...&quot; statements will define your stance on what you feel and why. This will set up the situation so that they don't feel blamed, but that they understand that the ball is in their court to now either ignore it and continue as usual or make steps towards making communication with each other easier and smoother. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Finally, offer solutions. Talk about what has worked in the past and what has not worked (the group chat) Ask them why it hasn't worked, and if there's anything to do to make it better. This is the &quot;action phase&quot; of the plan, whatever you decide with them in this part has to be followed up on and carried through if the reliability will be kept up. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;As a response to one of your concerns:&lt;/strong&gt; If they say &quot;I have to look, I'll catch up to you later&quot;, ask them what day and time you should expect to hear from them, and if you don't hear from them you'll remind them again one more time about the plans, but after that if they say the same thing, then no more reminders. You have better things to do than be a parent to any of the three people.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will exhibit to your friends that while you don't mind waiting to hear from them, there is a limit to your patience. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If this works...&lt;/strong&gt; you will find yourself in the company of great, reliable friends. They might trip up again, but remind them that you all depend on each other to have a good time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If this does not work...&lt;/strong&gt; you may have to do this again, but with more gravity (seriousness) that if you cannot depend on them to follow up on their plans within a reasonable set amount of time, you can't make plans with them. You can express that you would rather spend your time doing something productive instead of waiting around. I would not do this unless they are really being &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19249" LastEditorUserId="19249" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T14:48:59.460" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T14:48:59.460" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19938" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19932" CreationDate="2018-11-19T10:12:09.567" Score="27" Body="&lt;p&gt;You don't go into detail about how direct or obvious you have been in showing interest in your violin teacher, but assuming you have said things to her which a married man ought not, there is not going to be an easy way of breaking this to her. Not without her thinking you've been playing her, ironically, like a fiddle.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your stated goal is to put this right and keep your marriage, so you need to remember that whatever fallout you get from this, your marriage is your priority. What you are doing, you are doing for your wife and your family stability. If you get some grief, lose the friendship, lose your violin lessons, or wind up looking like a bit of a jerk, that is just what you're going to have to go through for the sake of your marriage. Take the hit, and learn the lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I do not think it would be a good idea to continue lessons with this tutor given that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; admit feelings for &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt;. In fact, once you tell her that you are married it might make an affair &lt;em&gt;easier&lt;/em&gt; because you might learn that she is prepared to sneak around behind your wife's back and that will just make the temptation more real. If you really want to save your marriage, removing the temptation would be the wisest course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you only see the tutor weekly for lessons and have no dialogue outside this, then frankly you don't really owe her an explanation. You could just cancel your lessons and find a new tutor. This may not sound like much of an interpersonal solution, but communication is relative to each situation and here the situation is you have been paying her for violin lessons. You are a customer, client, student, whatever you want to call it, it is a business arrangement and you could end it in a businesslike fashion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really believe you can overcome that temptation, continue lessons and have a friendship, then the best approach would be to take the initiative to tell your tutor straight the next time you see her. As you have stated, this is better than waiting for the subject to come up 'naturally', such as the next time conversation gets flirty. You need to &quot;own&quot; the mistake you have made, not pretend everything is fine and act like you just &quot;forgot to mention&quot; your wife. So walk in there, take control of the situation and say what you got to say.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go with this option I also think that you might be safer, and even claw back a bit of your self-respect, if you just tell it from your perspective and not assume any feelings on her part. Even if she does have feelings for you, if you have never actually confirmed this or done anything about it, there is a good chance that when you tell her you are married she will put her defences up and deny as much as she can. So just make this about you, about putting things right that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; have been worried about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Adapting what you have said in your question background, you could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Before we begin the lesson, I just want to speak to you about something. This has been bothering my conscience for some time.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;These violin lessons have been time taken out of my regular life, something for me, and because of that, I haven't told you any great detail about my life, or about my family. I never told you that I was married, my wife's name is [name], we've been married for 10 years. I've been feeling guilty about never mentioning her to you, and I just wanted to clear that up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Using your wife's name is important - it will keep this priority clear in your mind, and make your situation clear, and more real to your tutor. You have been deliberately obscure about your life, it is time to change that around and be completely transparent. Also, whatever you do, don't admit feelings for her, even if she admits them to you. It won't make her feel any better about the situation, it can only make her think that there &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a chance of a relationship, or that you are in conflict. Resolve to neutralise the situation you have created.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't guarantee her reaction to this, but it is at least direct, and gets it over and done with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T14:40:03.073" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T14:40:03.073" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19939" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19934" CreationDate="2018-11-19T10:50:57.133" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;She may need to talk about her feelings or just chat about her day more than you feel the need to.  This is quite normal - not everybody is the same, and being the same is not a requirement of being a good couple. You do need to &quot;meet in the middle&quot; on many things though, so don't be so quick to cut off these phone calls. That may make her feel insecure about the relationship. There may be a way to naturally cut back on them, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, remember that there are different stages of every relationship and you may reach a point where she is content to not talk as much. This normally comes when a couple are together more often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you are at this stage in your relationship, rather than tell her when &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to call, or that she is calling too often, why not make arrangements when to call / see each other next at the end of each date / call?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, at the end of a date you could say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So I'll see you next weekend on [day/time], and I'll talk to you during the week - how about [day]?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she says &quot;&lt;em&gt;what about calling tomorrow?&lt;/em&gt;&quot; you could perhaps reply:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I was hoping to have some time for [something specific - gaming, work, hobby, whatever] tomorrow. Is it okay if I do that and then call you on [day you originally suggested].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you have made it clear that you &lt;em&gt;will&lt;/em&gt; see her on a specific day and call her before then, she &lt;em&gt;should&lt;/em&gt; be in no doubt that you are not cutting her off. If she is used to the daily calls or is a little bit insecure, she might object. Be sensitive to the change and reassure her that you aren't trying to get away from her; just trying to take some time for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some things you could suggest if she isn't happy about not calling on a particular day:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;suggest she has some time with her friends or on an interest she has?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;offer to call and &quot;say goodnight&quot; after you've done with your own stuff, which could be a much briefer call and show her that you are still thinking of her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T10:50:57.133" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19940" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19920" CreationDate="2018-11-19T12:47:47.497" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt; for what has ended up as a lengthy answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;No matter what I say, your opinion is your own and you can act on how you feel. I'm mostly trying to reframe your observations to a more neutral standpoint.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;From your description it seems like your friends are being genuinely themselves, and are not malicious nor particularly targeting you. Their behavior seems perfectly fitting with their age group, where social occasions can be considerably more casual and unplanned than you are expecting them to be.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How can you know for certain that their standard for reliability is too low, as opposed to your standard for reliability being too high? (I'm not asking for an objective answer here - I'm trying to get you to see that standards are arbitrary and subjective lines we draw).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Asking others to change should not be the preferred solution.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There are plenty of ways to work around each other's personalities as opposed to forcing each other to change.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you can't deal with them being unreliable, you don't have to. But it may lead to ending the friendship instead of them actually changing themselves on your request.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I, politely yet effectively, communicate to each of them that I need them to become more reliable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I understand how this affects you, I suggest you take a step back here. It is not up to you to &lt;em&gt;need&lt;/em&gt; your friends to behave in a way that is natural to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Oh they are so unreliable it's always the same&quot; although he is acting in exactly the same way 9/10 times&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're all young adults, and it's often said that the twenties are when you start discovering who you truly are, it's the first period in your where you're finding your own way without your parents' guiding hand.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lack of self-awareness is part of that. It's easier to identify faults in others (when they negatively impact you) compared to seeing fault in yourself. Depending on the person, even when your flaws are pointed out you way still be oblivious to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I was in my early twenties, I can't remember many people my age who planned things far in advance. Most social occasions were decided/planned within an hour of them happening.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;It's perfectly possible that your friends are not capable/interested in making long term plans as they play things by ear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a general rule, you can talk to your friends about a problem you're having with their behavior, and ask if they can consider how their actions respond to you. For example, you can ask them not to make jokes about a particular topic because it's just not funny to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I do feel that this particular instance is very close to judging your friends for who they innately &lt;strong&gt;are&lt;/strong&gt; (regardless of whether that will change in the future), rather than trying to address something they're doing. The fact that all three friends show the same trait suggest to me that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are the outlier in this group, not them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I am intentionally twisting your words here, it's actually not that hard to rephrase your questions as &quot;how do I get my friends to be better people, like I am?&quot; And that is the core issue: your question implies that &lt;em&gt;your way is better&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I want to take a step back here and address the difference in personality between you and your friends, without assuming that one is better (or more right) than the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is a difference in personality between you and your friends. Based on your description, you are the only one who experiences this as a problem rather than an observable fact that warrants no further action. There are a few outcomes here:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1 - You accept it and deal with it&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friends are not being malicious, nor reckless. This is simply the way they are, and the way they interact as friends. You accept that your friends are unreliable and thus never truly rely on them, but you don't require them to change and simply avoid situations where their unreliability would negatively impact you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2 - You ask your friends to change&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While this is a viable option, it should not be the go-to option. You must first consider how justified your request is. &lt;strong&gt;How can you know for certain that their standard for reliability is too low, as opposed to your standard for reliability being too high?&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if so, if you're going to ask them to treat you differently, are you willing to endure the consequences of being treated differently? This can often lead to resentment, a &lt;em&gt;quid pro quo&lt;/em&gt; assumption that you also change your behavior, or quietly being kept out of the loop on some things. While you may be okay with that - you might come to regret that as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the very least, if you do talk to them, present it as an &lt;strong&gt;incompatibility&lt;/strong&gt; rather than their misbehavior. Address the problem (&quot;I relied on you to drive me to the shop because I need groceries&quot;) as opposed to the people (&quot;You said you'd drive me to the shop and you didn't&quot;).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Be open to the possibility that even when they are willing to change, they may be unable to change. And that should not be counted against them, especially if they tried to accommodate your request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3 - You don't accept it&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't handle unreliable people and thus no longer hang out with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a personal note, one friend in our group (we have been friends for 15+ years) is still notoriously unreliably well into his thirties. Makes plans but doesn't follow through, cancels just before an event, no-shows without cancelling, doesn't respond to calls/texts, forgets to call you back, makes last-minute decisison to appear at social events, ...&lt;br&gt;&#xA;We all know that this is just who he is, he doesn't mean anything by it and it's not targeted at certain people. Even if we ask him to be more reliable, he would never be able to. Not because he doesn't want to, but because this ties into a much larger emotional instability that we as his friends cannot approach nor fix.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And instead of cutting out someone who is still a good friend, we have simply adapted our expectations of him. We often joke that you never make plans with Tom (name changed), but rather that his appearance at social events is a forecast: the more people hear about it from him directly, the more chance there is of him actually appearing. In reality he appears &amp;lt;25% of times when he says he'll come by.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But we don't get upset because we all know that this is the case. We never make plans that rely on his appearance - and if we do, we explicitly stress the necessity to him. From his side, he also makes considerations: if he decides to join a social occasion last minute, he brings his own food/drink.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Two years ago, he said he'd go to a festival with us. Tickets were €200+ each, which I fronted. And he was a no-show. But he paid me for the ticket anyway, so I don't harbor any resentment about it. We knew that it was a possibility from the start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;There are plenty of ways to work around each other's personalities as opposed to forcing each other to change.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1665" LastEditorUserId="1665" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T13:09:50.193" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T13:09:50.193" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19941" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19920" CreationDate="2018-11-19T13:41:07.480" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You might find this hard to swallow, but if you are part of a group of 4 and you feel that the other 3 are &quot;unreliable&quot;, &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are kind of the odd one out. Okay, so the others comment on unreliability too, but you are the one that finds that hard to deal with. That doesn't mean you are wrong, and it doesn't mean that they couldn't be more reliable either. But you may have to accept that the way you feel stems from your own personality as much as it does from the way they act. Some people don't cope as well with uncertainty and indecision for a variety of reasons, and maybe you are just one of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, although you are all a &lt;em&gt;similar&lt;/em&gt; age, notably, you are the oldest. If you have started to feel this way more recently that could be significant - perhaps they are a year or two behind you in the maturity stakes. This is another reason to maybe cut them some slack. Some people outgrow certain friendships or peer groups, and it may be that in time you find other friends who are more like-minded and don't make you feel this way. But don't be quick to give up on good friends just because they are a bit flaky when it comes to arrangements.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than accuse them of being &quot;unreliable&quot;, or make them feel that you are annoyed with them, you would probably have more success if your request is for some consideration of how their lack of response or indecision makes you feel. Along with this, make some acknowledgement that this how you are, and that you are also trying not to let it get to you as much. That way you are &quot;meeting in the middle&quot; somewhat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Wait until you are all together and able to have a reasonable conversation. Try to keep it light, and don't come across as if you are annoyed or &quot;having it out&quot; with them. What you are about to do is open up to them about how you feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Guys, I've been feeling down about something, I just want to talk to you about it. Perhaps it is just the way I am, but I really get frustrated when I try to arrange stuff in advance and I don't get a response. Is there a reason that you don't reply or commit to stuff when I ask? I'm just trying to understand so I can deal with it better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Listen to what they say. When it is your turn to speak again, say what your hopes or expectations are in the form of a reasonable request. Perhaps something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Personally, I feel happier and more relaxed when I know in advance what we are doing. I don't like to leave things to the last minute. Could I ask that you be more direct with me in future? If you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; want to do something, just tell me straight. I can handle that better than not getting a reply.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think it is fair to say that some people do not like to commit to &quot;casual&quot; social arrangements too early in advance for fear that something better might come up. While I personally don't agree with that attitude (perhaps because I'm a bit like yourself, I hate it when people don't reply or won't commit to invitations) when I think about it rationally, I can sort of understand it. It would be worse if friends did not stick to their word, or if they were willing to ditch an arrangement with you for something better. If people act this way because they don't want to go back on their word, that is admirable at least.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they are good friends and care about you then I would hope they will be willing to make at least some effort to consider your feelings a bit more. But if you are willing to accept that it could be your perception that is wrong, or that you need to make some adjustments in how you deal with them, this could also lead to you understanding yourself a bit better, and that could help you not only in this peer group but in others in the future too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T13:41:07.480" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19942" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19914" CreationDate="2018-11-19T14:32:54.720" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;So the hurdle is that no one would claim ownership of a cat that's been causing trouble in your yard (and possibly other yards) - no cat owner would want that sort of negative attention. But people surely would claim ownership of the cat if they thought it was getting praised.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that you might have to lie or hide your intentions at first to try this. Also this may not work if the neighbors are already aware of your distaste for these cats. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try approaching any neighbor (preferably start with the more approachable neighbors) that you suspect might know who the owner of the cat is, or better yet who you think the owner is. Do not immediately bring up the cats, but rather make small talk with them and then casually inquire about the cat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh by the way, have you seen this cat with the [insert positive&#xA;  quality here]? [Insert a positive statement here - (My children think it's adorable.) or (It looks so much like my pet cat from my childhood!)].&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they tell you they have indeed seen the cat you can ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh? Do you know where it lives?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it appear that you're not interested in the cat owner but just for the cat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they haven't seen the cat or don't know where it lives, just drop the subject and try with another neighbor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By approaching the neighbors in a friendly manner and not revealing you have an ulterior motive they are more likely to tell you the truth.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21196" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T14:32:54.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19943" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19926" CreationDate="2018-11-19T14:35:44.767" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm pleased to read that you don't mind her mentioning your ethnicity. It would be so easy for you to use that angle to get her to stop saying it, but she could end up feeling that you are accusing her of some form of racism, and that would be totally at odds with what you are trying to achieve.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This may seem overly simple, but I think the best approach here is a direct one. Just tell her specifically which part of the term makes you uncomfortable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time she uses the term, you could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you for your kind words. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I do feel a little uncomfortable when you say you are my mother. To me it feels disrespectful to my own mother. I know that you are just expressing affection and I am not offended, but I hope you don't mind my mentioning it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you are stating a preference that she does not understand there is a good chance she will assume, rightly or wrongly, that your request is connected to your culture in some way. I am fairly sure that the way you feel about this is &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; directly connected to your family's culture, as I also find it a little odd that she has taken it upon herself to describe your relationship as a mother-daughter one, and I am not part of any ethnic minority.  It is up to you if you want to allow her to think that, or put it right. I don't personally think that would be an &quot;abuse&quot; of your minority status. It saves you having to explain or justify the way you feel. So long as you are clear that you are not offended and understand her motives, your request should be understood and accepted by her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T14:35:44.767" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19945" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19932" CreationDate="2018-11-19T17:10:07.797" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;While I think Astralbee's answer in removing the temptation is the safest option. I feel like you have another option when trying to turn it into a platonic friendship. Being completely honest and admitting that you're having some feelings of guilt.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Before we begin the lesson, I just want to speak to you about something I've been feeling guilty about of late. I don't work with any women, don't really have any female friends, and so have been enjoying working with you for our lessons, but I haven't revealed that I'm married. I feel that in withholding that I may have been giving the wrong impression and wanted to apologize for that. I hope you're not offended, I'm very committed to my wife, [wife's name], but I still hope we can continue with our lessons.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that here you are giving your lack of experience with women as pretext (hopefully this will soften the blow a bit) and admitting to your mistake of hiding your marriage and giving the wrong impression, you are &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; admitting that you like her.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'll admit now that this advice is not coming from personal experience and should be taken with a grain of salt but I feel there should be a way to keep your new friendship and stay faithful to your marriage.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel there is any chance your violin teacher may try to continue to pursue your interest after this admission I would certainly recommend taking Astralbee's suggestion of cutting contact and finding a new teacher.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-11-24T19:35:32.207" LastActivityDate="2018-11-24T19:35:32.207" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19946" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19914" CreationDate="2018-11-19T17:13:46.937" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Begin with the end in mind.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want the cat to stop pooping and making a mess on your deck, who owns the cat is irrelevant.  To consider this fully, would your end goal change if you owned the cat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Again, begin with the end in mind.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Assuming it was your cat (which it isn't) you'r (or their) ownership doesn't really extend to controlling the cat's potty policy.  So, communicating with the owner isn't going to result in obtaining your goals.  At best you will triangulate the problem between you, the cat's owner, and the cat.  From what I know of triangulation, involving a person who can't control another's behavior only complicates things, and increases stress, anxiety, and worry.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Finally, begin with the end in mind.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You want the cat out of your yard.  That way it cannot poop in it. Look into the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.thespruce.com/cat-repellents-to-keep-cats-out-of-your-yard-2132573&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;workable suggestions&lt;/a&gt; for your yard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sometimes the best interpersonal policy is not to force upon a person&#xA;  the responsibility for something that is out of their control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may not have considered it, but you're implicitly asking them to get rid of the cat, which is the only way they could assure this kind of problem doesn't occur again.  While people do ask these kinds of things, they are only accepted when something of even more interpersonal value is offered in return (like a move in among romantic relationships).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10404" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T17:15:49.557" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T17:15:49.557" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19947" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="3148" CreationDate="2018-11-19T17:27:08.293" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;To complete &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/3149/21067&quot;&gt;Bradley Wilson answer&lt;/a&gt;, it is very common in trans, queer, non-binary, etc. community to ask someone their preferred pronouns. This way, you know for sure how you should address the person you are talking to and you avoid unintentionally hurting their feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From this &lt;a href=&quot;https://lgbt.uni.edu/pronouns&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;LGBT resource center&lt;/a&gt;, here is how you should go about asking the preferred pronouns:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Just ask! We encourage our allies to ask rather than assume a person’s pronouns. Similar to a name, we can’t know how to best respect a person in conversation without introductions. We encourage you to introduce yourself with your own pronouns to then open the door for others who feel comfortable sharing their names and pronouns with you to do so. A phrase you might use is “My name is [your name] and I use the pronouns [your pronouns]. Are there any names or pronouns I can use to best respect you?”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It’s okay if a person does not want to share their pronouns with you. Make sure that you don’t force someone to share their pronouns--especially in a public space. If someone doesn’t share their pronouns with you, you can always use their name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T17:27:08.293" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19948" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19932" CreationDate="2018-11-19T19:39:36.953" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;The other answer are OK, but they suppose that your teacher has already given a step forward declaring her interest on you.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Before trying those approach, you can start with something more basic. Call your teacher and tell her that next class has to be a little shorter than usual, because you need to leave earlier to help your wife with &quot;put something here&quot;, for example, buy Christmas gifts.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With that small lie you can tell her not only that you're married, but also that you put your wife interest above your teacher, because you want to spend time with your wife when you have to choose between your wife or your violin classes.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;: You'll have a shorter class once, or maybe a canceled class.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20341" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-19T19:58:47.470" LastActivityDate="2018-11-19T19:58:47.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19951" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19952" CreationDate="2018-11-20T02:21:34.447" Score="12" ViewCount="783" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;This question is not being posted to get into a religion or freedom of speech debate, but rather present the idea that regardless of religious beliefs, aggressive and pushy behavior wrapped in the pretense of a specific faith’s beliefs is often unwanted at best and annoying at worst. Is there any way to politely sidestep these folks?&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a secular Jew living in New York City (USA of course) and find it difficulty to politely deal with Evangelical preachers of all faiths who aggressively hand out religious tracts. Below are the different degrees of folks I typically run into and my experiences with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Jehovah’s Witnesses: Not So Bad&lt;/strong&gt;: Sometimes I am dealing with Jehovah’s Witnesses who honestly are not that bad. As far from aggressive as possible. They just stand there with a pamphlet kiosk and easy enough to walk away from.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Chabad Lubavitch: “Yes, I am Jewish… Please go away.”&lt;/strong&gt; Next up are the Chabad Lubavitch Orthodox Jewish folks who are fairly aggressive if you are nearby, running up to you and asking “Are you Jewish.” I tend to just walk away if possible, but sometimes I say, “Yes, I am Jewish but I don’t want to talk to you.” Sometimes these efforts to avoid them work and they disengage. Sometimes they become even more aggressive and have even chased me down the street.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Christian Evangelical Groups: Unpredictable&lt;/strong&gt;: During the holiday season in New York City, you tend to encounter various groups of Christian Evangelical groups. Sometimes there are groups that are not horrible to deal with; they respect distance and boundaries. Other times you get groups who clearly have a tactic of doing things like (for example) aggressively surrounding subway exits around rush hour (5:00pm to 7:00pm) at night and confronting commuters going home after a long day of work.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand that these people believe in their respective religions. And I respect that in some cases this kind of preaching is a part of their beliefs in some way. And I also understand that for many people this is—essentially—their job and they will be rewarded by their leaders with housing, food and support they could not get otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So knowing that I want to respect their position in the world, is there any way to cleanly and politely say thanks but no thanks without lying or being mean or deceptive?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4459" LastEditorUserId="4459" LastEditDate="2018-11-20T14:55:09.610" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T14:55:09.610" Title="How to politely deal with strangers who aggressively hand out religious tracts or preach to you seemingly out of nowhere?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;religion&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19952" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19951" CreationDate="2018-11-20T03:01:48.010" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;Dealing with zealots is a real challenge.  I've taken a class on evangelism, and one of the first things we learned was that badgering people isn't really effective.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With zealots, trying to debate or discuss isn't a very good option.  Remember, they're &lt;em&gt;right&lt;/em&gt; and any discussion only serves to help them think that you're that much closer to making a decision.  (This applies to political as well as religious zealots, BTW.)  As long as they have you talking, they're winning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've generally, with these folks, just taken to either outright ignoring them (which seems rude to me, but sometimes I have to) or saying, &quot;Thanks.. not interested&quot; and repeating the message.  Sometimes I've just held up a hand and not said anything and continued on my way.  That also seems to get the point across that I'm not interested and have more interesting things to do.  The politest thing to do is not waste someone's time - both yours and theirs - so continuing on is actually less rude than one would think.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T03:01:48.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19955" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19951" CreationDate="2018-11-20T08:07:58.357" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;There are people like that who wait at certain areas of my home city to approach those who wander past, whether it is to get you interested in their religion or donate to charity, like in your case, most of the them mean well and aren't aggressive or pushy, but I'm almost never interested in what they have to offer. I've got a few methods of getting around them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Deflect them with humour. You'd probably have to judge how well this works based on the other person's disposition, but in my case for example, some Christian groups approach me and I half-jokingly wave them off with &lt;em&gt;&quot;thanks but you're preaching to the converted!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; and continue on. I was raised Christian. 99% of the time they take it in a good way and leave me be.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Most people will accept a straightforward but polite refusal. I will sometimes give them a friendly wave and a &lt;em&gt;&quot;thanks but no thanks&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. So long as you don't sound aggressive in your reply, they are unlikely to take offence. Like a sales pitch, they know that time spent on someone who simply won't engage with them is time wasted that could be spent on someone else who might. Provided you are being polite to them, they will not take offence and probably forget about you in a few minutes or so.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;For those that aggressively surround train stations etc., so long as they aren't denying anyone access to the entrances and exits, I would imagine they aren't breaking any laws (I'm no expert on that) and so there is little that can be done. In the hustle of the morning / evening commute, some people simply aren't in a talkative mood. They usually know that as much as we do. Again, a straightforward but polite refusal should be enough for them to know you're not interested. Avoid saying anything that could lead to starting a conversation or being offered something. If you said &quot;maybe later&quot; for example, they might follow it up with &lt;em&gt;&quot;well, take this pamphlet to look at later&quot;&lt;/em&gt; or &lt;em&gt;&quot;if you want to talk to someone else later...&quot;&lt;/em&gt;, which can lead to getting rid of them being a more awkward task.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some religious preachers may take ANY sort of refusal more personally than others, but I've found these approaches to be useful in 99% of cases, as well as for highly enthusiastic charity workers, flyer distributors etc. Hope it helps!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T08:07:58.357" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19956" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19926" CreationDate="2018-11-20T14:18:04.220" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I will suggest that you don't ask her to stop calling you &quot;daughter&quot;. Doing this is likely to hurt her feelings and it's something that you don't want.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you could do instead is asking here to us another nickname for you. Nickname are us between people who have a special connection. From experience, a nickname between two people can stay the same during all their life or can change with time (I gave my little sister a lot of different nickname during her life). So changing one nickname might not be as odd as one could fear.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is how I suggest going about the change of nickname:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Start by using a nickname when you talk to her. For example: &quot;(your ethnicity) aunty&quot;. If you use it often enough, she will probably start using it to designate her by herself as it's a thing that often happen with nickname.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This doesn't fix the main issue, though. Her calling you &quot;daughter&quot;. For this, I would suggest choosing a nickname for yourself that you will be fine for her to use and ask her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I love you and I would be very happy if you could call me &quot;&lt;em&gt;Hagen&lt;/em&gt;&quot; (instead of &quot;daughter&quot; as it makes me a little uncomfortable).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When giving her another way to call you, you are acknowledging that there is something special between you. The part where you explain why you want to change your nickname might not be necessary. I would suggest using it only if you think she won't call you as you wish otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the case where you don't explain why you want to change nickname, be prepare for her to ask. Also, she might want to know if the new nickname has a specific meaning.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-20T15:06:46.923" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T15:06:46.923" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19957" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19926" CreationDate="2018-11-20T15:08:03.877" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is going to be a very distinct frame-challenge, and hopefully it is useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Try to change how you view the situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds at least like you have a positive outlook on her reasons for saying that you are her daughter. Accepting that she's doing it from a place of affection is a really important step in maintaining a positive relation with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The core of this issue is thus; &lt;strong&gt;there is a mismatched relationship.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, correcting a mismatched relationship by dragging it back &lt;strong&gt;never&lt;/strong&gt; ends well in my experience. You could think of it as very similar to what some guys will call &quot;the friend zone&quot;- they have (at some level) upgrading the relationship to something more, but the other individual has not. This can cause resentment, and often-times the only way to resolve it is by hurting one person or the other. Such is the nature of human relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how does this relate? She sees you as another daughter, but you only see her as an affectionate adult.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think there is any way to prevent this behavior without negatively impacting your relationship with her in a serious way. Even if you are as gentle as possible or use some sort of fantastic quantum communication to beam your thoughts to her, the core of what you want to accomplish is still &quot;she doesn't want me to treat her as a daughter&quot;. You are &lt;strong&gt;rejecting&lt;/strong&gt; her as a faux mother, and it bothered you enough to even consider bringing it up. The obvious conclusion then is that she was bothering you, which would make her feel terrible. Even moreso because the 'bother' was that she was being affectionate towards you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;You have two options&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Try to change your &lt;em&gt;own&lt;/em&gt; mind. If you think about it, maybe you'll find that there isn't any harm in accepting how she feels about you after all, and there isn't really any reason you can't have another Mom that you might care slightly less about after all. This was the option I chose when I was younger- it seemed like a net gain to me. &lt;em&gt;Another&lt;/em&gt; mom, when my first was already so great? Why the heck not?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Change her mind. Changes from outside are never easy- it's why people always have an easier time convincing themselves than they do convincing others. You can flatly or politely tell her to stop referring to you this way however you like, but no matter what in order to get your point across you &lt;em&gt;must&lt;/em&gt; hurt her in order to accomplish a state-change in her mental outlook.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;You have to decide.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's about where your priorities lie. I hope my information has been helpful. Good luck. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3426" LastEditorUserId="3426" LastEditDate="2018-11-20T16:48:12.450" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T16:48:12.450" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19958" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-20T15:17:24.120" Score="4" ViewCount="938" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am the type of person who is &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; fond of video games. I've been playing them ever since I was 5 (I am now.. I think 13, maybe 14). I would play them as soon as I could and as long as I could. That was all I ever did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Recently, however, I have come to realize that there are better things I could be doing. When I started 8th grade I decided I needed to control myself. I did successfully, but still played them on the weekend. Then, this week, I decided to just not play any video games or watch any 'media', as my mother calls it. I'm been really glad I did this. My life's been so much better!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Meanwhile, though, my sister (who's a bit younger) got herself an iPad six months ago. She's always been the kind of person who did stuff in the 'real' world. But, with the new iPad, she's stopped playing with the neighborhood kids or the family. Instead, she just plays lots of video games on the device.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I do to help her not make the same mistake I did and waste away her younger years(although I am still young, I guess) on video games?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm wondering if there is anything I can do for her based on the fact that I went through what she's doing now. Is there any 'empathy-inducing' speech I could give her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22955" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-11-21T09:15:08.513" LastActivityDate="2018-11-21T09:15:08.513" Title="How to help sister not over-dose on video games like I did?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;siblings&gt;&lt;games&gt;&lt;reconnecting&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19960" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19958" CreationDate="2018-11-20T15:41:56.663" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately it is becoming the norm for children (and adults) to spend a substantial amount of time using phones, tablets,...etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do to help your sister is to invite her to participate with you in any real world activities that you do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You will build a better bond with her, and at least temporarily keep her away from the electronic devices.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22700" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-11-20T15:46:08.477" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T15:46:08.477" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19961" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19958" CreationDate="2018-11-20T16:10:39.697" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;As her brother you options here may be limited, were you her parents you could try imposing a limit on the amount of time spent on the ipad, I believe there are even parental control apps and settings that can be set for it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As her brother the best you can do is try to caution her about what you felt you were losing by spending excessive amounts of time gaming, be careful not to be too pushy with this though, nobody likes to be pushed around and younger people in particular can take a rebellious edge when pushed.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Aside from this &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/19960&quot;&gt;sf02's answer&lt;/a&gt; provides a simple way to pull her attention away from gaming by inviting her out with you on your activities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-11-20T16:37:58.943" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T16:37:58.943" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19962" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19958" CreationDate="2018-11-20T16:11:45.283" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;First off I'd like to say congratulations for realizing there was something in your life you wanted to change and successfully changing it. That's not an easy task and it'll only get harder as you get older and things are more ingrained. You should be proud of this achievement!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That being said, this was something &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; wanted and worked and made &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; happy. The simple truth is that what you did to make your life better may not make your sister feel like her life is better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you approach her telling her how much better her life would be if she just changed like you did you'll likely immediately get her to stop listening to you. This would be true even as friends, but as brother/sister, it's worse. She'd probably be thinking &quot;Why does he think he knows better?&quot; &quot;Why is he trying to tell me what to do?&quot; &quot;He's not mom or dad, why doesn't he just mind his own business?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So instead of approaching this as a problem that needs to be fixed if she wants to be happy like you, I would do two things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Talk to your parents about limiting the amount of time both of you (that's right, you included) are allowed on electronics a day/week. Come to them with all of your arguments planned out. Ask them for a good time to sit down with you (without your sister) and discuss something you consider is an important matter. You could do some research on the ill effects of electronics on young minds. You could even make a presentation if you really wanted. Anything to show your parents that you've thought this through.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Maybe they agree with your and limit the time your sister can have. Or maybe they see some side that you don't--maybe your sister uses the iPad to socialize and fit in with the rest of her class. Regardless, this method would prevent you from ruining your relationship with your sister--you're not directly confronting her--and it will also let you express your thoughts and take criticism. Not to mention, if you really want to change your sister's behavior, going through your parents is probably the one surefire way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Get her out of the house! Maybe you could schedule a beach trip once a week or a trip to an arcade (or the local equivalent, ie: Nickel City, etc...). Or even better, while you're talking to your parents about your concerns, see if you could plan a family camping trip or a weekly family hike!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, I don't think approaching her directly and expressing your thoughts will work here. Instead, I'd suggest a more indirect approach by either going through your parents or inviting her to spend time with you away from her personal screen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastActivityDate="2018-11-20T16:11:45.283" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19966" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-21T01:00:39.307" Score="0" ViewCount="193" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a team of almost ten people, allotted by an institution (college). A person from the team (say PS) always used to stay with another team and is almost disconnected from us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remaining nine people have hateful feelings towards PS. The hatred is not solely due to his smaller participation to the group, but also based on his conduct inside and outside the institution. He exhibits &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Public_display_of_affection&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;PDA&lt;/a&gt;, complains on friends to higher authorities, visits bad places (culturally), uses people for his own interests, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all, as a team, went to a trip twice, after our final exams, for recreational purposes. During the first trip, people invited PS and he came. But during the second trip, people intentionally avoided PS. Many times, people even forget to call and invite him for team events such as birthday parties, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Currently, I am planning the third trip with my team. I'm afraid the spirit of the trip may get spoiled if I also invite PS. However, it will be impolite to not invite PS for the trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some among remaining nine people are advising me to not invite PS so as to ensure we have a good trip.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to invite PS because he is an inherent part of the team and we, as a team, should not feel negatively about our decision afterwards.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although they respect my decision and come to the trip, I have a strong belief that they may not enjoy the tour if PS comes. What should I say to them on my decision despite of the hateful feelings of the group towards PS, without spoiling the spirit of the tour?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11319" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-11-21T08:58:55.320" LastActivityDate="2018-11-21T08:58:55.320" Title="What I need to say to other team members while inviting an almost outlier for group tour?" Tags="&lt;india&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;travelling&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19969" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19966" CreationDate="2018-11-21T04:50:41.670" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since the group's unwillingness to invite PS is still an unspoken phenomenon, it's important to bring it into the realm of conversation by bringing up PS' presence and the trip at the same time. One might be inquisitive about the situation, as if confused, and act as if wondering &quot;whether PS should come as well&quot;, as&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So we've got a trip coming up; do you think PS should come as well?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At such a point, you should hear feedback from some members of the group expressing their (dis)approval, at which point you should amplify their sentiment (for example, by repeating what they said or by asking for confirmation from others) in order for it not to be tacitly dealt with.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22107" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-11-21T08:52:56.073" LastActivityDate="2018-11-21T08:52:56.073" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19970" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19972" CreationDate="2018-11-21T06:43:22.040" Score="2" ViewCount="568" Body="&lt;p&gt;In our daily life people often meet and greet with different styles and traditions, but mostly we do it by shaking our hands and it is quite normal around the globe. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But if a person who is infected by a flu virus can unintentionally transfer flu virus to somebody else who is not aware of it. And we cannot tell each and every one that we have got a flue virus. And normally people get offended before they get to know the reason of it. So in how many ways we can avoid such situations?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I searched for the same question but that was different from its point of view and was not more general.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This question isn't like the other two proposed questions because the other question are about never shaking hands when mine is about not shaking only in case of flu. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following link to the source of studies explains the reasons of not shaking hand with a flu infected person: &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/index.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Influenza Transmission Research&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22906" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-21T11:37:47.657" LastActivityDate="2018-11-23T22:07:37.640" Title="How to politely avoid a hand-shake with somebody who is infected by a flu virus?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19972" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19970" CreationDate="2018-11-21T08:28:53.620" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;While the easiest way to handle this situation may be by telling a white lie (&quot;oh, I'm sick, I wouldn't want to infect you&quot;), I'm not very comfortable with telling lies. What I do instead is &lt;strong&gt;greeting the person with another body sign&lt;/strong&gt;. As a Western European, what I'm used to do is rising one hand and smile, the same gesture that I use when I want to thank the driver that stopped at the pedestrian gateway to let me cross the street. I know that my Japanese friends prefer to bow a little. I'm pretty sure the nature of the gesture will depend on your culture, it could be waving a hand, saying &quot;Hi!&quot; and smiling, bowing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Doing this makes you take a step ahead. You show that you're willing to be polite and warmly greet them, yet you reduce the chances that they will insist on shaking hands. If they do insist though, then you could tell the truth:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm sorry, I'd rather not shake hands at this time of the year if you don't mind, as I'm willing to reduce the chances of me getting sick.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Saying this doesn't incriminate the likely-to-be-sick person but rather insist on your own will of avoiding getting sick. However, this wouldn't work if you already shook hands with other colleagues before and bluntly tell them this so, maybe it'd be better to try greeting everyone with the gesture I already mention, then say this to anyone willing to shake your hand, even if you suspect that they're not sick. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-11-21T08:28:53.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19976" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19977" CreationDate="2018-11-21T12:51:16.410" Score="2" ViewCount="1148" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm male, and I often work out at around the time where the staff at my gym is cleaning the showers. They aren't doing it at a specific time, so I can't plan my way out of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it's female staff cleaning, I have to wait for them to be done with the whole locker room.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When it's male staff I just have to wait for them to be done with the showers (there are only 4 showers, in a small space).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last time there was a guy cleaning the showers thoroughly, so I went on the treadmill while I waited for him to leave the locker room. So I didn't have to walk in and out to keep checking if he was done with the showers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But when I went in 20 minutes later it seemed like he had been done for a long time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a pretty small problem, but I would still like to hear any suggestions on how to ask them: How long it will take before I can use the showers?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because I think if I ask them like that, they'll take it as i'm trying to rush them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22970" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-21T15:05:59.833" LastActivityDate="2020-05-08T20:25:48.750" Title="How do I politely ask the staff at my gym how long it will be before I can use the shower?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19977" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19976" CreationDate="2018-11-21T13:24:29.090" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;It depends highly on your body language and intonation on how they'll interpret your question. If you (mayby unconciously) show you're slightly annoyed that they're there and dryly ask &quot;How long till I can use the showers&quot; ofcourse they're not gonne be too happy about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand if you start of with a smile and generally &quot;open&quot; body language and phrase it something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey guys/ladies, sorry to interrupt. Can you give me a rough estimate on when you're done here so I can take a shower?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I doubt anyone would take it badly. If anything they might stop slacking off because you've given them a good reason to rush a bit. (i.e: so that the nice guy can take his shower).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depending on their answer you can end the conversation with either&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alright thanks! I'll wait for a bit so you can finish up. *starts walking out* really apreciate the work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or if they mention it'll take a while you can go with something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for letting me know. ( / Don't worry about it!). I'll take another spin on the threadmill so you guys got time to finish up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-11-21T13:24:29.090" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19978" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19976" CreationDate="2018-11-21T13:35:06.747" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You can make it clear you are just trying to get information by saying something like &quot;I'm trying to decide how long to make my workout.  When do you think the showers will be available?&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way, it's clear that you aren't trying to rush them, you aren't demanding an exact time, you're just getting information so you can figure out your workout.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-11-21T13:35:06.747" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19980" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19976" CreationDate="2018-11-21T15:03:48.597" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just a simple:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey there, can you please notify me once you are done with  the showers? No rush, I´ll be on the treadmill in the meantime.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Should do the trick. They will either tell you that it´s only another minute or so or you´ll be notified.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Edit as per @Noon´s request: This answer reflects my personal experience in Germany. Staff of a fitness studio is paid off your membership-fees so they are usually very service-oriented. In my experience your request is reasonable and should be happily fulfilled.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user6109" LastEditorDisplayName="user6109" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T14:34:31.030" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T14:34:31.030" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19982" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="19997" CreationDate="2018-11-21T16:51:43.047" Score="3" ViewCount="987" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a very good relationship with my neighbour. She sent us dishes but none of my family member likes her dishes including me. I do not wanna say to her that &quot;please do not send us dishes&quot; but I also do not wanna waste that dishes.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I refuse her sending us dishes yet still have a good relationship with her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22975" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T10:13:40.363" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T11:22:22.050" Title="Refusing food from a neighbour?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19985" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-21T22:32:33.447" Score="5" ViewCount="1118" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've had one date with a girl and we both agreed that we had a lot of fun. A second date was set up, but no plans were made.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She just told me that her friend asked us to go to dinner, a bar, and a club on a weekend coming up. There are a few issues I have with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Clubbing/bars isn't really my style and she told me it was really wasn't her style either. Although she said she has done it occasionally.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Her friend(s) and boyfriends will be there and this girl and I actually haven't broken the friend/relationship barrier(first kiss, etc) which I was hoping would happen on this upcoming date (date #2). I don't think it's likely to happen with an audience.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There will be drinking and I have to drive home (45 min).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I convey to her that I don't want to accept her friends offer without ruining a future relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22980" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T16:18:25.353" Title="How can I reject a second date idea without ruining the potential for a relationship?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19987" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19985" CreationDate="2018-11-22T00:04:23.350" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;What you've laid out in your question sounds perfectly reasonable to say to your date.  You aren't into clubbing, you'd like to have a some more time one on one getting to know her, and you don't want to drink and then do a long drive.  I can't imagine anyone being offended by that, especially if she's already said that she's not into the clubbing scene either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I'd go with just what you've said.  And maybe that you would like to meet her friends, so she doesn't think you are trying to avoid them.  But you do want to get to know her first.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T00:04:23.350" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19988" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19985" CreationDate="2018-11-22T00:30:55.090" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Suggest an alternative&lt;/strong&gt; (for another time of course, to not conflict with her friends' invitation)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't recommend going into all your reasons for not wanting to go - they are legitimate, but they could also sound as excuses or you might just come off as more of a complainer than you intend to. If you want to vaguely state that the format isn't quite your style, that's fine, I just wouldn't dwell on it. Instead, share appreciation for the invitation and focus on your suggestion for a different second date (and possibly a brief reason that the alternative would be better, like a quieter spot might be better for conversation) .&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In general, I find that offering alternatives is a great way to make sure rejection of a single invitation doesn't accidentally suggest an overall rejection, not just for dates but for any other invitation. It's important that you make a specific suggestion, though, because vague promises like &quot;maybe some other time&quot; can also (often) be used as a polite way of saying &quot;no, never.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastEditorUserId="3089" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T00:36:06.363" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T00:36:06.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19989" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-22T01:48:48.223" Score="0" ViewCount="206" Body="&lt;p&gt;Should I tell the director of a lab in a business school how I was personally affected about their actions while participating in a study? I am a student and I met them in a professional setting as a paid participant of a research study and we are in different faculties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The action was that they declined to shake my hand for religious reasons (we are the opposite sex). This is not about wanting to shake someones hand, I do not want to contact anyone who doesn't want to for any reason. The way I was personally affected by their actions was that I was really emotionally and personally distracted after the incident and they might want to know about the experience someone had in their lab.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I value that they have religious rights, and want to respect those as much as possible. On the other hand, I do happen to value open communication on a personal level as being more socially active than being silent. I just want to tell them that it made me feel like: &quot;You can't use the information from my research session because if you can't see me for more than a body, then that's equivalent of not seeing me as a human subject in your research trial&quot;. That's being petty though, I want to engage in active listening as much as expressing myself, and would never actually withhold my information from the study.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It has also been recommended to me that I offer alternatives such as offering a wave instead of a handshake, or just not disclosing the reason for the declined contact if it is discriminatory.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case I did decide to contact the individual, I contacted my student union's ombudsman asking for what services I might have available in terms of peer support. I don't know what this support would look like maybe editing a draft letter or having mental health back-up. I got an automated response that they are out of office until after the semester is over.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it normal in a professional environment to inform a director of emotional discomfort experienced on their site?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT: Since asking this question I have built up some context on what those religious reasons might be, and have learned to not take it personal. I will NOT be contacting the individual, any qualm I have with a religious policy has nothing to do with that person.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22981" LastEditorUserId="22981" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T16:05:41.187" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T16:05:41.187" Title="Is it normal in a professional environment to inform a director of personal discomfort experienced on their site?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;religion&gt;&lt;gender&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-22T08:23:06.770" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19990" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19989" CreationDate="2018-11-22T03:53:29.987" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There is no problem discussing what happened to you from the director however first I would try to understand their side as there won't be much benefit if you are just going in there with your side of things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can help you to understand it as I have done the same thing a few times. The reasoning behind it is not regarding women as &quot;just a body&quot; as some might think, actually it's the opposite. It is respecting the woman and treating her with all possible respect and this includes not looking at her body (i.e. perv-ing) &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; not making physical contact, as both are regarded disrespectful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember you can disagree here, but I'm just showing you the other side so you can keep it in mind during the discussion and not regard their intentions as malicious. If you completely disagree then you can use this information to conclude that they are misguided but have good intentions and meant no harm. This is an important point because then there won't be a reason to believe it's malicious and take it personally.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As they are likely to be in a culture where handshaking is normal, tact is important here. Were they tactful? If not, that can be the main focus of the discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20908" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T03:53:29.987" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19991" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19985" CreationDate="2018-11-22T05:12:33.710" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well, if she already suggest another event with her friends, it's better to accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the encounter, you can create a lot of opportunities to be alone with her to make the first move and kiss her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;call her to get a drink.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;call her to take a &quot;air&quot; outside of the bar (if the local has this kind of possibility).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;offer a drive to her home. When the car stop and you say goodbye to her, it's a good moment for a kiss.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;maybe her friends also help you and create some opportunity to be alone with her. But you can't count with that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is the possibility that everything goes wrong and the night finish with no kiss. It's very frustrating, because there is this expectation. If this happens, I suggest to you immediately send a nice message to her talking about how good the night was and that you are already waiting for a new encounter, but only with you two. This kind of message reinforce that you really like her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Decline this invite, saying that you would like to be alone with her, could pass a bad message, because she doesn't know you very well yet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe she only did this invite because you not invite her for anything after the first encounter. Pay attention on this signals. If you think that was the case, invite her for a particular encounter could be her desire too. If you think that was the case, just suggest another alternative: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;hey! Can I suggest to you another plan for the weekend? :).  Of course, if your friends are counting on your presence there, we can keep the original plan ;). I know a very good bar and blabla...&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This indirectly says that you want a encounter with you two only and create a &quot;escape&quot; to her decline this invite without be harsh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18003" LastEditorUserId="18003" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T13:28:20.340" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T13:28:20.340" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19993" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="14496" CreationDate="2018-11-22T08:10:40.110" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's hard to answer you without more details but, where I'm from (France), you can always ask for professional help when you need help communicating something to someone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By professional help, I mean a psychiatrist (or a psychologist, I guess), but this may vary country to country.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how does it work? &lt;sub&gt;(please note that I haven't done it myself. But I know about that because one of my family members use it and was very pleased by the outcomes) &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea is that you first meet with a psychiatrist where you explain your problem. Once the psychiatrist is aware of everything, they will certainly suggest you a course of action. However, you can also ask them to do a &quot;group meeting&quot; where you, your family and the psychiatrist will be present.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The meeting is usually (always?) set in the psychiatrist office which is a neutral place and the psychiatrist themselves serve as a neutral third party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The psychiatrist is here to help you (and everyone) say what they have to say, to help everyone ear what the others have to say and will also prevent the discussion from heating too much. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In case you don't have access to such a neutral third party, I will suggest, as &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/14500/21067&quot;&gt;The Integrator already noted&lt;/a&gt;, to talk to your sister first (and alone).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She has already been where you are and she will probably be able to give you some precious advice as to how you should talk to your family about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:59:42.110" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:59:42.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19994" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-11-22T08:37:48.047" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:37:48.047" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:37:48.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19995" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-11-22T08:37:48.047" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T08:37:48.047" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T08:37:48.047" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19996" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20081" CreationDate="2018-11-22T09:57:50.433" Score="8" ViewCount="2199" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm someone that isn't really social and social gatherings tend to be very tiring for me (this is at least partially due to the fact that I'm on the autism spectrum).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have noticed that social gatherings at my aunt house are even worse because I'm expected to be social and present all day long, without the possibility to rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I'm too tired, I tend to leave the table to go sit on the couch nearby. However, my aunt isn't very pleased about it and tend to find me some chores to do whenever I do that. Even if I lay on the couch, getting ready to take a nap, she will find me a chore to do. I tend to interpret that as if she was saying: &amp;quot;if you don't value our company, here are some chores you can do for us&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't mind helping around but doing the chores doesn't allow me to rest and I &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; need that rest. One time, I was so tired from being social for so long that I broke into tears the second I was finally home and able to rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a result, I tend to avoid going at her home whenever I can (which hurts her feelings) and, when I come, I make sure to stay for a limited amount of time (I'm always the one asking to go when my parents and sisters won't mind staying a little longer).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell my aunt that I really need some time off without hurting her feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Note and clarifications&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;When I see my aunt, it's always on a big social event (~10 people) and I don't really have the opportunity to have a one-on-one chat, except if I explicitly ask for it (which I have never done and it would be extremely weird for me to ask for). She does, however, phone me often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Live far from my aunt and seeing her outside of those big social events would be too much tiring for me to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;During the social gathering, I could choose to isolate myself in another room but I'm afraid that, without explanation, this would be seen as even ruder (since I would no longer be &amp;quot;with them&amp;quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My aunt knows that I have been diagnosed with autism but I'm pretty sure that she doesn't know exactly what it means and how it impacts my life. Also, the diagnose is really recent (only three months) and this was all very sudden for my family (except for my mum).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm a 23 years old, French woman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T15:08:03.070" Title="How do I tell my aunt that I need some time off?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19997" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19982" CreationDate="2018-11-22T10:04:40.670" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Telling anyone directly that you &lt;em&gt;don't want&lt;/em&gt;, or &lt;em&gt;don't like&lt;/em&gt; their food is pretty much guaranteed to offend them on some level. Lying would be a bad idea too, because ultimately lies do get found out, and you said you have a good relationship with your neighbour which could be ruined if she even suspects you are lying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best kind of excuse would be a &lt;em&gt;practical&lt;/em&gt; one - that is, a sound reason why you shouldn't accept food that doesn't involve your personal taste.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I presume that if neither you nor your family are eating her food, you must be eating your own food. Her food is getting wasted. But if you &lt;em&gt;did&lt;/em&gt; eat her food, then the food you bought in for yourself would be wasted. This is the sort of reasoning you should use in response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I really appreciate the sentiment behind all these dishes you send us - it is very kind of you. But we do all our shopping in advance and when we get food from you we find our own food is going to waste. You really don't have to send anything over, we don't want any food to be wasted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't immediately accept this and still tries to insist on sending you food, just persist on the same line of reasoning. You aren't going to change your shopping habits because you are a family, and you save when you buy in bulk, so you can't just buy less food because it would cost you just as much or even more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can't win with her, there is probably nothing more specific you can say without causing offence, so I would just let her give you the food and continue binning it. There is a possibility she just likes cooking and doing something nice for you. It might give her a bit of a purpose, and that might be worth the wasted food. But if she gives you a dish after you had the above conversation with her, just say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thank you. We do have a meal planned already for tonight, but if we have any room we will give it a taste.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could perhaps try returning the dish to her later on and say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;We were so full after our meal we didn't get to try any of this. Would you like it back for yourself?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, if that isn't possible, and she later asks you if you enjoyed the dish you could say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm really sorry, we were so full after our meal we didn't get to try any.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One final thought about the wasted food - have you checked to see if there are any homeless charities nearby that would appreciate the food? You could donate it to them and then at least you wouldn't feel guilty about the food not being eaten! You could also tell her quite truthfully that the food was appreciated and enjoyed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T11:22:22.050" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T11:22:22.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19998" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20002" CreationDate="2018-11-22T10:30:30.303" Score="3" ViewCount="1611" Body="&lt;p&gt;I recently overheard two of my friends, that they are planning to go on vacation next year together with another two or three friends of us. Well, overheard may be the wrong word in this context, they talked about it while we all were out enjoying some drinks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd really enjoy going on vacation with them. Since they openly talked about it while we were going out I assume it's not like they don't want me to know about it or don't want me to come. However, they haven't asked me directly. Also, I got a well-payed job, and they know that. So something like &quot;maybe they think I don't make enough money to join a vacation&quot; flies out the window I guess. We hang out frequently and I don't feel like I'm the fifth wheel (or would be in the future). We have a great time together when we are going out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask them about joining their vacation, without making it seem like I desperately want to go with them?&lt;/strong&gt; If they don't want me to join, that's totally fine by me. But I think they just passed over/ignored me when planning their vacation. In your answer, please also consider if you would ask them all together or individually, and why. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T10:56:13.077" LastActivityDate="2020-09-29T03:28:58.623" Title="How to ask to join friends to vacation?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="19999" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-22T11:03:43.847" Score="5" ViewCount="808" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm 26, female, living at home with my parents for now (boyfriend left me to get a job abroad, said the relationship was effectively over), and over the past few months my dad was fundraising £40,000 for kids with Down's Syndrome.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was pleased when he told me he wanted to do something helpful. Dad had always wanted to raise money for charity, but never had the time until a few years ago, when he started volunteering to teach art to kids with Down's Syndrome (2 days a week).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He raised £60,000 in total since March.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, last night, he told me that he'd got something important to say; he confessed to pocketing the cash, spending £13,000 on a dating agency for his sister (my aunt), £5,000 on an old Mercedes car, £3,000 on a beat-up old Transit van, and £1,500 on a classic guitar from an online auction. That means there's only £37,500 left of the £60,000 he's got. It was a little-known fact my aunt wanted to join a dating agency, except to my dad and her. BTW, this dating agency is based in London and normally caters to super-rich people, but has no income-requirement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He expects me to spend some of the cash, said &quot;Go get that £20k Mercedes SL you saw on Autotrader that's your dream car, you can afford it now, it's gonna be so good when I see my daughter owning a classic 2000s Merc for not much money.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't get me wrong - dad's obsessed with Mercedes, owns things with their badging on. It's true, I liked that car, but I'd probably buy it out of my own money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;FWIW, we're middle-class; a white middle-class family (well, half-Indian, half-English, to be exact; i look less &quot;Indian&quot;, more white, think Charli XCX the pop star if you've no idea).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel outraged, but didn't tell him at the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My mum knows, and is so angry she does not know what to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I did ask him at the time why he did it, he claimed &quot;I only raised the money to look good and get in the local newspapers&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not looking for legal advice, more moral advice, since my dad's fundraising seems to have been solely for making money for himself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm struggling to understand why he would do this; previously he'd been very much a good person, never done anything criminal etc. but I'm worried about the consequences. I do love my dad, but am worried about what the repercussions will be when this is revealed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not a case of IF this will be revealed, but WHEN people will find out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work in a public-facing job (ironically enough, for a non-profit organization) and have a public profile on said charity's page (local charity, not a national one) but I don't handle this kind of thing; I only do marketing, not public relations, not marketing and PR.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My basic question is; how do I handle the fact my dad raised money for charity and pocketed part of the cash? Is he a scam artist/con artist?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22986" LastEditorUserId="22986" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T11:08:50.773" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T12:47:26.263" Title="How to deal with the fact my dad raised money for charity, then spent the cash on himself?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;money&gt;&lt;responsibility&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-11-22T14:55:03.113" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20000" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19999" CreationDate="2018-11-22T11:35:36.727" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm going to assume that when you ask &quot;how to handle&quot; your dad confessing to being a conman you mean you are looking for a way to talk to him about it, because that is all we answer on IPS.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You asked if your dad is a scam artist or a conman. If he has obtained charitable donations from people but has no intention of giving that money to the charitable cause and/or is spending the money on anything other than legitimate expenses related to a properly registered UK charity then yes, he is absolutely a conman.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like your dad &lt;em&gt;confessed&lt;/em&gt; to you - but not because he is sorry or remorseful. If he was sorry then he'd be trying to make amends to the people he ripped off. Instead, he's trying to &quot;buy&quot; your support by telling you that you can spend £20,000 of it on yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you did take that money knowing it was taken from people fraudulently, you would be complicit in that crime. And to be clear, it &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; a crime. I imagine that your dad has not registered a charity (you can search charities in the UK &lt;a href=&quot;http://apps.charitycommission.gov.uk/ShowCharity/RegisterOfCharities/AdvancedSearch.aspx&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;HERE&lt;/a&gt;). If he had registered then he would have to provide the Charity Commision with accounts showing the donations received, any legitimate expenditure and the money paid towards the charitable purpose. My guess would be that either this does not exist, or he has registered a &lt;em&gt;limited company&lt;/em&gt; with &lt;a href=&quot;https://beta.companieshouse.gov.uk/search/companies&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;company house&lt;/a&gt; instead. Lots of fake charities do this, pocket the money, then file for the company to be dissolved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't tell you what you should do about your dad's fraud - whether or not you should report him to the authorities - but if you want to have no part in his crime and avoid being implicated then you should tell him:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do not want any money that you have obtained fraudulently.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given that you work for a charitable organisation yourself, I think you have a lot to lose by inaction. Even if you are not implicated if you knew about a charity fraud and did nothing I'm not sure that would qualify you to carry on working for a charitable organisation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-11-22T11:47:24.457" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T11:47:24.457" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20001" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19996" CreationDate="2018-11-22T12:22:36.600" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me tell you, I know exactly what you talk about. Had been in that situation the last years, too. And still somewhat am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to approach this, or at least how easy this will be to approach, depends on the degree of awareness of autism your family has in general and how supportive they are in that regards towards you. Either way, the way I handled this with my family and close ones will take time and won't be easy to implement, as your relatives (or in this case just your aunt) will have to accept that things are different from what they were used to in interacting with you&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me one thing was, as soon I had my own flat, my family got used to me not attending to family events regularly anymore. I came up with excuses (As they wouldn't have had accepted just a &quot;I don't have the energy for this.&quot;) and they probably knew it were excuses. So at some point they started accepting it, that if I participate I won't stay for long, as that's still better than me not showing up at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I hope your family is more supportive about your aspergers than mine is&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt;, as that might make this easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So lets consider what to do about your aunt. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know your relation to her, but you might ask her for an appointment to discuss your state with her, if it is not possible to get a longer one-on-one chat with her set up at one of those events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When having that discussion, pretty much explain her what you just wrote in OP. Tell her about how draining such events are for you and that its a lot of stress if you are denied to escape into some sort of social interaction free area, and that enforcing you to do some chores just makes it worse. Explain her especially that being an autist means social interactions are very draining for you, and also explain her that you energy cap is by far lower than that of an &lt;a href=&quot;https://crackedmirrorinshalott.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/autistic-allistic-neurodiverse-and-neurotypical-say-what/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;allist&lt;/a&gt; (I assume you are aware, how autism impacts the energy you have to motivate yourself for activitys? If not, leave a comment and I'll go a bit deeper in that). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that discussion she will either accept that, or she won't. If you have the bad luck as I had, and she isn't accepting that then you just have 2 options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can enforce it. By either not participating in such events if possible, or by finding escape places where you aren't reachable for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or you will have to tolerate that she is not respecting your specialty and just bear that you will be under high stress when ever you participate in such gatherings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an addition to that, it would be helpful, if you could arrange it to get there independent from anyone else. That way a) you could always just decide to leave whenever you feel like the stress isn't bearable anymore and b) your aunt won't be mad/sad that a handful of her guests always had just to leave cause of your &lt;em&gt;excuses&lt;/em&gt;&lt;sup&gt;3&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; I purposely didn't say &quot;things changed&quot;, as they had always been like that. It is just you have now better awareness of whats good and whats not good for you. And you should point that out whenever you face a &quot;But why you have such needs now you have the diagnose but you did not need this before?&quot;. I faced them a lot and they hurt me as it signaled to me I am not taken serious. So be prepared that this might happen to you, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt; In my case, my mom and all the relatives I still have contact to had the opinion I just am into this &quot;autism-thing&quot; cause its such a great excuse for my laziness. So telling them about it never was taken serious and sadly I had to enforce my solution rather than having been able to find a way with them together that was best for all of us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;3&lt;/sup&gt;As my family would call it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T12:22:36.600" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20002" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19998" CreationDate="2018-11-22T12:42:23.873" Score="5" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I heard you guys talk about a vacation and I like that idea and would like to join. Or if those plans are private, maybe plan another vacation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If these are friends, you should be able to speak your mind and your bring it up in a non-intrusive way. And as your goal is to go on &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;a&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; vacation with them (not specifically that one) you can also suggest a seperate vacation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There can be many reasons that you're not invited, plenty of which aren't personal towards you. By suggesting another date, you leave the option of keeping their plan undisturbed while offering an alternative.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5504" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T22:53:48.723" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T22:53:48.723" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20003" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19999" CreationDate="2018-11-22T12:47:26.263" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;how do I handle the fact my dad raised money for charity and pocketed part of the cash? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you need to be very clear with him on two things (at minimum)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That you don't approve of what he did&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;That you want no part of it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Optionally (you did ask for moral advice):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell him that if he doesn't pay the money back himself you'll report him to the authorities, as you say:&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's not a case of IF this will be revealed, but WHEN people will find out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Point this out to him, and that it's always going to be much better for him to redress this himself rather than to get &quot;caught&quot;. If you think your dad loves you it might be worth point out that him getting caught could also have serious ramifications for &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; career as well and see if that can persuade him to do the right thing. When this comes to light it could also come to light that you &lt;em&gt;knew&lt;/em&gt; about it and did nothing, even the &lt;em&gt;suspicion&lt;/em&gt; of that being the case could kill your career in working for charities stone dead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is he a scam artist/con artist?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Yes&lt;/strong&gt;. And one of the particularly despicable ones at that.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T12:47:26.263" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20005" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19996" CreationDate="2018-11-22T16:17:51.983" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Have you tried &quot;I need some time alone because this event made me tired&quot;? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This situation is, as they impact me the same way, exactly as &quot;I was doing this when I was 5, I walked to school 20 miles uphill in both ways, being around people make me feel alive&quot;. And the answer I give is &lt;strong&gt;&quot;I'm not you and it's not the same for me&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;with time I learned that: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if someone take my need as rude it's their problem not mine. Trying to avoid being judged as rude or compensate make me even more tired and miserable. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;if my need is not meet (or even it's denied like in your case) I have full right to care for myself. In this case the you can say with advance that you will need time alone to recharge your batteries. &lt;strong&gt;AN IF NOT&lt;/strong&gt; you will leave early and not attend next meeting. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;people try to make their problem yours. For example my mother complained that I don't wake up early to clean up my apartment so it's dirty. I explained it's my apartment and it meet my needs. she may visit me but in my house she cannot complain. NOW anytime she mention that she cannot visit me (implying it's because I denied her) I remind that it's her decision on not visiting me because she cannot restrain herself from complaining.   &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;asking for one-on-one may be weird (only for you) because you never done that. You need to start doing that for it to became usual. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People feeling will be hurt even if you politely ask them to stop hitting you with a knife. Remember that you are stuck with yourself forever and you need to take care of yourself much more that for other people's feelings.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11735" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T16:17:51.983" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20006" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19985" CreationDate="2018-11-22T16:18:25.353" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;You mention that you had hoped to kiss on your second date, which would move this relationship along to another level; but as it stands you are wondering whether or not she has been honest with you about her likes and dislikes. She said she wasn't into clubbing either, but it is her second date suggestion! It might be an idea to really know this girl properly before you move it along. That said, introducing you to her friends might be &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; way of moving the relationship along. And if her friends are going to a club, it might just have seemed convenient to her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can really relate to this question because I have similar feelings about clubs and bars. That sort of environment just doesn't appeal to me. You can't have a proper conversation there, so you won't get to know this girl any better on this date. Also, while I'm not against a drink, I find that I lose respect for people if I see them drunk. I've never had a positive experience from going to this kind of place, ever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really are dead against going to a club then &lt;strong&gt;option 1&lt;/strong&gt; is to just make that stand. Make it a &lt;em&gt;personal&lt;/em&gt; stand though - don't judge her for going, and make it clear you are not going to stop her. You don't want to make her think you are controlling. Just say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry, but clubs and bars really aren't my style. I wouldn't enjoy it. Let me know when you're free to meet up again after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If her hope was that you'd meet her friends at this club (and let &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; meet &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;) then why not suggest arranging something else that includes them, book a table at a restaurant or something. That might not be the intimate second date you were hoping for, but it is a compromise between what you want (or don't want) and what she possibly wanted from this club date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Option 2&lt;/strong&gt; though is for you to go to this club, and view it as an opportunity to see what this girl and her friends are really like. There &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; some clubs which are not as loud and raucous as others, and you may be unfairly pre-judging her, her friends, and the proposed venue based on your experience of other people and places. You might be surprised, and even enjoy it. If you &lt;em&gt;don't&lt;/em&gt; then you can always leave, and you've learned a lesson.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-22T16:18:25.353" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20007" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19976" CreationDate="2018-11-23T05:21:50.960" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Thinking about the problem you would see in simply asking them, I only can imagine you don't want to put pressure on them doing their work. Right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case it helps to change the question's subject from them to you. That means&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;&quot;oh you are cleaning the showers, when will &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; be finished?&quot;&lt;/em&gt; becomes&lt;br&gt;&#xA;&lt;em&gt;&quot;oh you are cleaning the showers, when should &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; come back again?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Add &quot;oh great, there is a freshly cleaned shower for me&quot; if you like. (But don't exaggerate if you want to keep being credible)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-11-23T05:21:50.960" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20008" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-23T05:25:06.580" Score="5" ViewCount="439" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am worried I have a parent who exhibits signs of Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI), and I would like them to see a clinician. How can I bring up my concerns without running into the stigma around mental health?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best answer would be one that is widely applicable for others, but offered some advice tailored to my situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;My situation:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The parent is educated, in their 60s, with a spouse and three adult children. The symptoms I see are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Difficulty following conversations&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Inarticulate speech (inability to remember familiar names of people and places and excessive use of pronouns) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;trouble making decisions &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;irritability&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My impression is these symptoms have increased over time.  This parent has an easily hurt ego, and a tactless conversation would strain my relationship with them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22992" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-11-23T10:36:24.840" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T12:27:55.337" Title="Talking to a parent about their mental health" Tags="&lt;parents&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="6" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20010" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-23T10:28:53.543" Score="5" ViewCount="872" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in an apartment with 3 other people. Nice people and we get along pretty well. We have a cleaning rotation where everyone gets to clean a quarter each week which rotates. Which is fair a thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that for the last couple of month I do spend at least 5/6 out of 7 nights at my SO. Meaning I mostly go from work directly to her and then I am almost never at my own flat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the time I am at home I spend 95% in my room, don't cook, very rarely take a shower there because I shower at SO most of the time.&#xA;To put it bluntly, I was pretty lazy and didn't do my part for at least a month or so. But I do help A LOT at cleaning etc at my girlfriends flat (she does not live alone, also flatmates) which I think is fair because I spend time there, make a mess, and so I clean. Which is not the case at my own flat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, that on one hand, it might not be nice to the others that they have to take over my part, but on the other hand I am ALMOST NEVER at home, and only spend time in my room (which everyone cleans themselves) and never cook, meaning I maybe contribute 5% to the dirt in the apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How could I communicate to my flatmates that I want to organize the cleaning schedule differently so that I have to take over a smaller part because I am practically never at home?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Addendum:&#xA;I would subjectively like to know if you personally find this okay and if you got alternative ideas for such a cleaning schedule.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7301" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T08:39:23.770" Title="Communicate to flatmates I want to clean less because I am never at home" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;flatmates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20011" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20008" CreationDate="2018-11-23T10:29:32.900" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;There really shouldn't be a stigma around &quot;mental health&quot;, or around any kind of mental illness either. Many people confuse &lt;em&gt;mental health&lt;/em&gt; with &lt;em&gt;mental illness&lt;/em&gt;, but aside from that, MCI isn't really either of those things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We all have issues surrounding mental &lt;em&gt;health&lt;/em&gt; at various times in our lives - stress from outside influences, for example - but that does not mean we have a mental &lt;em&gt;illness&lt;/em&gt; such as bipolar disorder caused by chemical imbalances &lt;em&gt;within&lt;/em&gt; the brain. MCI and Altzheimers are diseases which &lt;em&gt;cause damage to&lt;/em&gt; the brain, and so really these are different still.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That all said, all are unpleasant, the effects of all of these on a person are quite similar, and it wont be easy news for your parent to hear &lt;em&gt;if&lt;/em&gt; you are correct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do need to broach the subject soon, because help may be available if he/she does have a problem. I believe the best approach would be to raise your concern directly, reassure them of your support, and try to dispel any &quot;stigma&quot; that they are concerned about.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I've noticed some changes in you recently. You may not be aware of them yourself, but I'm concerned that they could be signs of a cognitive disorder. If these things are caught early they can be helped. Would you let me make an appointment for you to get checked out to make sure you are okay?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I imagine they will want to know more than that. If you go on to say what the &quot;changes&quot; you have noticed are, I would avoid mentioning the &quot;irritability&quot; and other similar symptoms and instead focus on the inarticulate speech. This is because your parent may argue they are not symptoms of a condition. The speech is really the one symptom that is not contestable and least normal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they refuse and you believe this is because of &quot;pride&quot; or their ego, perhaps reason this way:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I know this isn't easy to hear and you probably feel that getting a diagnosis would be undignified, but if you do have a cognitive disorder and you don't get diagnosed, you could deteriorate into a much less dignified condition.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they do feel there is some kind of &quot;stigma&quot; and don't understand the difference between what you think they may have and other mental illnesses, you need to reason that this is something happening &lt;em&gt;to&lt;/em&gt; them. Some of the older generations don't believe in mental illnesses, or believe that they can be overcome with willpower. You need your parent to understand that this is not a &quot;weakness&quot; of their mind, but rather a &lt;em&gt;disease&lt;/em&gt; that is &lt;em&gt;attacking&lt;/em&gt; their mind, and could possibly be stopped if they get help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-11-23T10:52:59.483" LastActivityDate="2018-11-23T10:52:59.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20012" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20013" CreationDate="2018-11-23T12:02:21.503" Score="9" ViewCount="1645" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Context&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I had this very good friend who told me a few days ago to stop any form of communication that is not work-related. Talking about the situation is not an option as she made it clear that she wants to cut ties completely. Even if I've been hurt by the rejection, I owe a lot to this person as her friendship significantly improved things for me while it lasted. I don't have any grudge against her and I don't think she's mad at me, she is just fed up with me. I think I relied too much on her for moral support.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;About the friendship&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the lasts months we spent several evenings talking, watching series and playing video games, at both our places. We also had a birthday party, had some activities and a lot of fun. We met because we had a common friend we both like a lot and because we both love video games. I've only called her once (and she didn't answer). We used to communicate a lot over emails and direct messages but I drastically reduced my output when she asked me to. I have some friends I communicate with far more often than with her and I never demanded anything from her or insisted when she didn't want to talk. And to clarify, I'm a male and no romance is involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm currently working next to this person and while I respect her choice, it makes me feel terribly uneasy to have to avoid all non-work related discussions that may happen in the workplace. And it's even worse for lunchtime or hanging out with colleagues as I don't want to be cut out of the team by always avoiding being at the same events at the same time. I'm doing my best but it makes my days incredibly more stressful than they should. Quitting is not an option and I have to stay with my other colleagues.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to find a way out of this situation.&#xA;I could talk to her but it's out of question because it would be disrespecting her will.&#xA;I could talk to my manager but it would disclose the situation and I know it would be even more awkward for both of us.&#xA;How can I approach this situation to make it easier for both of us?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Update/&amp;quot;Solved&amp;quot; somehow&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I found out I was suffering from depression at that time. With some help I finally got out of it an even if I'm still very sad of losing such a great friend, I don't feel the same pain as before. If you never had to fight depression, like me before the events I had to endure this year, it can be pretty hard to spot what is wrong with you or why everything feels wrong or even why you can't think clearly. Get help, don't wait to lose your friends as you'll be keeping going more and more to them for moral support to the point of tiring them out. Get actual help, don't make my mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="anon" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditorDisplayName="anon" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-01-09T20:53:36.330" Title="I have to work with an ex-friend, how can I limit the awkwardness of the situation?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20013" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20012" CreationDate="2018-11-23T12:33:36.487" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you absolutely cannot have a conversation with your ex-friend because she will not allow you to, then the only person you can speak to about it is your supervisor or manager.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have not given much detail as to why your colleague may be &quot;fed up&quot; with you, or why they will not speak about anything but work. Assuming it is nothing serious that would actually bring your employment into question, she is being a little unreasonable. Sure, you can respect her request not to talk to her about anything not related to work, but if this is spilling over into group conversations such as at lunch breaks then she is actually harming your relationships with everybody else too. She cannot &quot;ban&quot; you from group conversations like that; that would be extremely unreasonable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you speak to your supervisor it should be to highlight the situation, to make them aware of it, so that they can &lt;em&gt;monitor&lt;/em&gt; it. You could perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I just want to make you aware of a situation. [Colleague] has a problem with me. I think I've made her feel uncomfortable which I certainly didn't mean to, but I've tried to put it right and she won't allow me to. She has asked me not to talk to her about anything but work matters, which I can try to adhere to, but it is impacting on my relationship with everybody else in the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your supervisor may ask you what you want them to do. You could ask them to intervene, perhaps set up a meeting with you both to try and resolve the dispute. She can't refuse to talk to you if your supervisor agrees that working it out is for the good of the workplace. Alternatively, you could just ask them to monitor her behaviour, then go about your business as normal. Your supervisor may then notice &lt;em&gt;her&lt;/em&gt; behaviour towards you and hopefully intervene if it is causing tension in the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Failing all of this, the best interpersonal solution may just be to carry on as normal but respect this colleagues request. Keep conversation light. Don't invite her over, don't get personal. But don't allow her to push you out of any other friendship. Keep participating in group conversations. If she has a problem with you then maybe she will move on; but hopefully, over time, she may soften if you back off a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-23T12:33:36.487" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20014" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20010" CreationDate="2018-11-23T14:44:45.930" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;Logic may seem to be on your side in this request. If you're not there then there ought to be 25% less mess, so if you do 25% less cleaning that works out, right? They may not all see it that way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have ever walked into an empty house that hasn't been lived in for months it can be as dusty as hell. Dust doesn't take a vacation, nor do germs. Some things just need cleaning on a regular basis, regardless of how many people are using them. A toilet or drain will start to smell after [x] number of days because of bacteria, and bins with food waste need emptying before they start to smell. It doesn't matter how many people are in the house - if you clean these things less frequently, they will stink.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Fact is, you went into a house-sharing situation with 3 other people. You all expected to pay a quarter of the rent, a quarter of the bills, and do a quarter of the cleaning. Your housemates may not have to clean your room or pick up your rubbish, but by taking your name off the rota entirely, they will have to do &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; things more often. Even if the bin bags are 25% less full, they will have to be taken out just as regularly, and the toilet cleaned just as often. I imagine there are also set days for refuse collection, and someone has to take out the trash. If that is a weekly job on rotation, then it is going to come around every 3 weeks instead of every 4. Without you, all the worst jobs are going to become more frequent for your housemates, and frankly, they may start to wish they had a different 4th housemate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you go into a discussion asking to be taken out of the rota entirely, or even doing less, you should at least expect some dispute. Before you do, think about a &lt;em&gt;reasonable&lt;/em&gt; request that sees you do at least &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; of the cleaning chores - the ones that don't place an additional burden on your housemates. It may even be preferable for you to &lt;em&gt;ask them&lt;/em&gt; what they think would be a fair reduction in duties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps call a house meeting and say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As I'm spending most of my time away from the house at the moment, I don't feel like I can be here for all my cleaning chores on the rota. But at the same time, I don't feel like I'm creating as much cleaning work here either. I don't want to place any additional burden on you all - what do you think would be a fair way to reduce my cleaning duties to reflect the amount of time I am in the house?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-11-23T14:51:11.087" LastActivityDate="2018-11-23T14:51:11.087" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20015" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20010" CreationDate="2018-11-23T15:03:58.143" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;I read this question and a big red klaxon labelled &quot;Classic Roommate Error Alert!&quot; started blaring all over the shop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd say in my experience that the #1 cause of room mate arguments is the perception that a member of the household isn't pulling their weight with regards to the domestic chores.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While you are technically correct in that you aren't now contributing as much &quot;mess&quot; as you used to the reality is that the amount of actual work involved in cleaning the flat hasn't diminished by 20% (25% - the 5% you still contribute), things like cleaning the bathroom or whipping the hoover around are still the same amount of work. So you are basically asking your housemates to do &lt;em&gt;more&lt;/em&gt; work because of how you are choosing to spend your time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's like agreeing to go even share on a large pizza then trying to weasel out of paying your share because you only choose to eat one slice as you'd picked up a burger on the way home and saying &quot;I paid for my burger, why should I pay for my share of the pizza?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I do help A LOT at cleaning etc at my girlfriends flat (she does not live alone, also flatmates) which I think is fair because I spend time there, make a mess, and so I clean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's good and right that you help out at your GF's place but that doesn't mean squat to your housemates. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also the issue that your housemates may see this as the proverbial thin end of the wedge - if they agree that you shouldn't clean as much will you be coming to them next month saying you don't think you should pay as much towards the bills?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How could I communicate to my flatmates that I want to organize the cleaning schedule differently so that I have to take over a smaller part because I am practically never at home?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't - yeah that means you'll be doing some extra work but it's your choice to be spending as much time away not theirs so it's just the &quot;cost&quot; of your lifestyle choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I would subjectively like to know if you personally find this okay and if you got alternative ideas for such a cleaning schedule.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly? I'd be pretty annoyed that your choices were making extra work for me. Especially in the context of you already having slacked off for the last month.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastActivityDate="2018-11-23T15:03:58.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20019" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20069" CreationDate="2018-11-24T01:20:39.010" Score="5" ViewCount="2118" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is an issue that I've been running into quite a bit in the last year or so, primarily on an online image/meme sharing site. It usually pops up in the context of cosplayers' or animes' depictions of transgender or crossdressing fictional characters, which almost inevitably kicks off a roaring dumpster fire of really gross comments.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These really gross comments usually fall into, or are posted by, two opposing factions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The general *phobic nastiness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Openly challenging and condemning people's gender, sexuality, mental health etc.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The fetishization of trans and/or crossdressing people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Oddly claiming to be supportive of trans and crossdressing folks using hypersexual and often plainly derogatory terms. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obviously really unpleasant to witness if you happen to be trans, or are close to folks who are... Basically walking in on a fight between two groups who both get it completely wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Now I know that going after the generally phobic doesn't tend to help, so I'll set that aside for the purposes of this question.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to focus on group 2, the fetishists, because it almost seems like they're attempting to &quot;get it&quot;, or at least may at some level be a little more receptive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't see anything inherently wrong with having a fantasy, most people do, and &lt;em&gt;for the most part&lt;/em&gt; that's healthy and normal. But... at point... These fantasies intersect with the real world. That's where things can get more than a little irksome. The way a trans or crossdressing person is talked to, or about, in a sexual fantasy piece written by a cisgender person often isn't how they'd like to be talked to, or about in reality. Often the way these characters are depicted is completely divorced from reality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far I've tried gently, and admittedly, at times, less gently, explaining that some terms aren't ok. The most common one being the term &quot;trap&quot;. Usually saying something as simple as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, maybe if you like them, you could stop using derogatory terms to talk about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This usually just leads down a semantics rabbit hole, and seems fruitless. They're kind of dug in, have the support of their peers, and seem to think that the anime, or other fictional work, is somehow authoritative. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How does one begin to untangle the fantasy, or fetish, from the reality?&lt;/strong&gt; How does one explain that the depictions of trans and/or crossdressing folks, and the language used, in these fictional works doesn't generally connect to the real world? And that when they use that language and believe those depictions, they may end up doing harm to real people in the real world?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T03:22:06.780" Title="Untangling the intersections of transphobia, fetishization, and reality" Tags="&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20022" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20037" CreationDate="2018-11-24T04:16:42.397" Score="3" ViewCount="805" Body="&lt;p&gt;I found a bad habit in my conversations. When I stopped doing it myself and became aware of it in others, tensions relaxed and conflict de-escalated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Everything I'm asserting is from my experience: Having grown up in American culture, I've seen this paradigm at work after ten years in Asia, calming-down conflict between people from both European and East Asian backgrounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While many &quot;people skills&quot; teaching addresses categories of overall communication modes, I'm isolating specific patterns within one of those modes so as to be more precise and useful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I'm looking for the best, single context to inform or improve on this, but so far have found none.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Has anyone seen this at work themselves in a way that can provide insight (give examples)? Published references would be acceptable as well as personal observation.&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will describe what I mean to help illustrate it more clearly...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I call them &quot;verbal cannonballs&quot; or &quot;barks&quot;. By themselves, they're harmless. But, in conflict we use more of them and it only worsens the conflict when we do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They're those extra words or phrases that add no meaning at all; we might as well &lt;strong&gt;bark&lt;/strong&gt; in place of them. Using them is a bad habit, with good intentions of course. We add them without knowing, to ram our point during verbal conflict—and they only invite offense and escalate conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They are &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; sarcasm, snark, wit, passive-aggression, name-calling, pejorative labels, or dissenting judgments—because those have meaning; &quot;barking&quot; does not. They &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;often, but not necessarily,&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; take the form of emphatic speech—but, it's not just about emphatic speech.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might be &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;used&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; in Satir's &lt;strong&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://savipra.wordpress.com/2014/05/11/verbal-self-defense-chapter-2-the-five-satir-modes/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Blamer Mode&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;, but &quot;barking&quot; and &quot;verbal cannonballs&quot; are just the meaningless words themselves, not the full &quot;mode of communication&quot; that lobs them at the other guy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We might instinctively presume that using these words will de-escalate conflict, when in reality it has the reverse effect. We often presume that, since these add no &lt;em&gt;lexical&lt;/em&gt; meaning—but they add &lt;em&gt;emotional&lt;/em&gt; meaning—they are still helpful. It is true that emotional meaning can enhance an already peaceful conversation, but in conflict it's best to add fewer emotions, not more (See &lt;a href=&quot;http://web.mit.edu/mbarker/www/writers/t021271.txt&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;[footnote 1]&lt;/a&gt; and &lt;a href=&quot;https://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd3.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How Verbal Self-Defense Works&lt;/a&gt;). Barking is healthy among happy, playful dogs, but among angry, quarreling dogs, someone could get bitten. We might unconsciously think, &quot;I bark when I'm happy, so I'll bark in this conflict to make everyone happy again.&quot; But, that won't work and we only think it will because we &lt;em&gt;all&lt;/em&gt; tend to do this on instinct.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, these should be avoided &lt;em&gt;in conflict&lt;/em&gt;, though our instincts want to add them, even without knowing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Here are examples, the &quot;barks&quot; being in &lt;em&gt;italics&lt;/em&gt;:&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note, all of these examples are consistent with Satir's &lt;a href=&quot;https://savipra.wordpress.com/2014/05/11/verbal-self-defense-chapter-2-the-five-satir-modes/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Blamer Mode&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;, I'm just isolating word patterns that could make them no-longer &lt;a href=&quot;https://savipra.wordpress.com/2014/05/11/verbal-self-defense-chapter-2-the-five-satir-modes/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Blamer Mode&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt; if removed. Using these is very much contrary to &lt;a href=&quot;http://web.mit.edu/mbarker/www/writers/t021271.txt&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Suzette Haden Elgin's&lt;/a&gt; advisable &lt;a href=&quot;https://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd3.htm&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Computer Mode&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/a&gt;, but they aren't explicitly explained there either.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Well,&lt;/em&gt; that's my opinion &lt;em&gt;anyway&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... Saying, &quot;that's my opinion,&quot; is a fact, but &lt;em&gt;in this context&lt;/em&gt; &quot;Well,&quot; isn't necessary and unconsciously, unintentionally rubs people the wrong way; same with &quot;anyway&quot;. These add no meaning at all. They just make the wrong-way rub more wrong. Trimmed to, &quot;That's &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; opinion,&quot; with a snide &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; is just as &quot;barky&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Yo!&lt;/em&gt; That's out of line, &lt;em&gt;bro&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... &quot;Yo&quot; is a great verbal way to &quot;honk&quot; at your friends to say hi, but in conflict it's anything but friendly. Same with a &quot;bro&quot; not treated like one. Neither have any meaning, only hard feelings.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Um,&lt;/em&gt; that could be incorrect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... &quot;Um&quot; being deliberate and loud here, not that quiet, endearing, don't-do-on-TV, unintentional verbal pause, which really doesn't hurt anyone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You came to the wrong office. &lt;em&gt;That's what I think, anyhow.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;... As opposed to neutrally stating, &quot;But, that is merely what I think [and I won't press further].&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could &quot;bark&quot; more, but I'm sure you get the gist.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://web.mit.edu/mbarker/www/writers/t021271.txt&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;[Footnote 1]&lt;/a&gt;: search &amp;amp; read the paragraph containing: &quot;no emotions&quot;; this is from &lt;em&gt;&quot;Item number 21271 from WRITERS LOG9311C&quot;&lt;/em&gt; on the book &lt;em&gt;&quot;GENDERSPEAK:  Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense&#xA;by&quot; Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22996" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-11-29T17:49:20.893" LastActivityDate="2018-11-29T17:49:20.893" Title="Is this a known Interpersonal &quot;Anti-Skill&quot;, if avoided could de-escalate conflict—or could it be original? I call it &quot;barking&quot;" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;academic-research&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="15" ClosedDate="2018-11-25T21:05:59.710" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20027" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20062" CreationDate="2018-11-24T08:41:09.980" Score="1" ViewCount="1083" Body="&lt;p&gt;I moved to a metropolitan area for work so I didn't and still kinda don't know many people. I have a few friends now but am not trying to lose anyone so I've considered just breaking off all communication, but that idea is on hold. I met this one girl though a dating/social app. She is shy, a bit depressed, and is hard for me to read. I like her despite a lot of shortcomings but I can't tell if she even cares and she doesn't know what I think as she doesn't really ask anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our interactions are via text mainly and more like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;she says something, I say something, that's it  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I say something, that's it  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;someone says something and there's a little back and forth but that's it. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We hung out in person once and I think the next 7 times I asked to hang, she had an excuse like, too tired, busy, don't feel like it. So I thought she doesn't care to be friends, on top of the really poor communications quality, ignored messages, apathetic responses, etc. or something but she texts me at least 5/7 days a week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not a confrontational person and don't want to put too much pressure on her but I wanna ask about if she actually wants to be friends and actually hang out more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other details:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Started talking around March 2017  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Hung out once around May/June 2017, have not since  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is in a terrible life spot. 26 yo, lives with parents, cant find a job, college dropout that ended up graduating at an online school (BA graphic design), no self control, does not save money, plays video games and binges shows all day  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;(from what she has said) bad social skills, depression and anxiety, apathy, laziness, does not like small talk and finds it easier to talk to people digitally  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Important to note that we met on OKCupid which she has updated her profile and reiterated she wants to meet people and do things in real life. We talk almost every day and I said I'm willing to drive the 40 min to hang out every so often as she HATES driving  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She has hardly any in real life friends, if any  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I'm not sure if she talks to me because she has no one else or if she actually cares to talk to me. The confusing part is how she never actually converses and suddenly changes topics or just drops communications&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do really like her for god only knows why, maybe because we are kinda similar and have similar interests (but I don't have depression and I have a degree and successful career, etc.). So although I considered and started just ignoring her forever, I care too much to do that. But I don't want to be her personal one-way Twitter (since people typically tweet something and never read or respond to comments). Of course if she doesn't want to be friends or actually meet, I must just say goodbye because it's a waste of time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;However, I'm looking for good approaches to ask if she wants to be friends.&lt;/strong&gt; If feel if I were to just say that, she might just not respond or change topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T18:45:31.763" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T22:30:43.770" Title="How can I gently question my friendship with someone who may or may not be my friend?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;reconnecting&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20030" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="2211" CreationDate="2018-11-24T14:19:55.270" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I faced the same situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I did that time is I don't bother him/her to reply. Let him/her take his time to calm them down. Then I think instead of asking that what I did wrong (because this question instantly makes him remind of that negative moment) I choose to be positive. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I gave him a Thanksgiving card for being so true and always there for me (in your case it can be different, but choose positivity) after that we started to sent average 3-4 messages in a day like wishings and again didn't flood him with loads of messages. Then I planned for a surprise meetup without let him know by taking help from other friends of mine and his too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And now we're connected more than that we were before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I posted reality what I did that time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Stay positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23004" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-24T17:23:46.653" LastActivityDate="2018-11-24T17:23:46.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20031" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20034" CreationDate="2018-11-24T15:02:55.633" Score="3" ViewCount="584" Body="&lt;p&gt;Few years ago I was super friendly to people (in office setting), and got unwanted attention. So much so that not only I cut off that person (directly said &quot;I am not interested&quot;), but cut off everyone else. I was miserable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My coworker (recently joined us) always smiles and says hello to people (even strangers she sees in the hallways), dresses up beautifully, wears makeup yet she doesn't get unwanted attention. By the way she's in her 50s, married with children (if that's relevant).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now I wish to smile and say hello to people without someone thinking I am leading them on. And of course I wish to dress up beautifully, wear makeup, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is her secret? The last thing I want is RBF (Resting B***h Face)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarifications&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am female in USA&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Easily mistaken for Beautiful Clothes in early 20s&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Beautiful clothes meaning a colorful maxi skirt, plaids in winter and florals in summer (otherwise it's either black, blue or khaki maxi skirt). &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The most skin I show is neck (not collarbone) and forearms (for 3/4 sleeve shirt)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19845" LastEditorUserId="19845" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T12:38:11.350" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T12:38:11.350" Title="How to be Polite without giving wrong signals (because this happened before!)" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20032" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20038" CreationDate="2018-11-24T15:39:50.383" Score="2" ViewCount="606" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have recently moved into an apartment with two other guys because I was going to university outside of my home town. I come from northern germany and moved a good bit further to the south.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am living here for about almost two months now and I have already made good friends with my roommates and I regularly hang out with one of them and his girlfriend. I really enjoy spending time with them, as they are very casual and upbeat, like to laugh but are still straightforward. They have a lot of traits that I value and would like getting accustomed to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the first weeks, when we got to know each other, I was trying very honestly to do my best in this new environment and to change for the better. Because of a difficult family situation, I had been very busy with negative thoughts about myself and my life most of the time before, when I was still living with my parents. When I moved out, I was finally able to leave all that mess behind me. It is a long story and the details don't really matter, it is enough to know that my parents got divorced when I was 2 yo and I lived in two separate families until I was 16. This made my life very complex and I learned very early that there is never one right answer and that family relationships are difficult. I had often sunken in depressive thought when I got older, I spent most time alone, on the computer, or at school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point is, that I want to integrate this past positively with my rather light-hearted present. I am living in an apartment with people that I like and that like me, and we could have a great time together. I might grow more confident and assured of myself and may find a girlfriend to travel and live with. There are many possibilities.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;During the first weeks at my new home, it was as if my past didn't even matter, and my roommates where happy to be around me and wanted to know me better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But one evening, when we were talking, my roommate told a story from his childhood and I felt inclined to tell a story from my childhood aswell. But this turned into a chain of bad memories and I basically started telling the &quot;tragedy of my life&quot; as a narrative. It didn't really have a point to tell them, except describe myself as a character, but it felt like something I wanted to get off my chest (although I had talked about it with my parents a lot before) aswell. I also thought that I would tell them sooner or later anyways so I didn't hesitate too much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, I think it was a mistake drop this much weight on the conversation. Because from then on, they started treating me differently. Almost as if they pitied me or as if they were trying not to insult me or make me feel disliked. I feel like that story put a really bad shadow on my character and interacting with me became more challenging and uneasy. Also I myself felt that now I had dragged my past into my new life, which was exactly what I did not want to do. I feel like it was a mistake to tell them about my family issues in my past. Then again, it had been a really important part of my life, and sooner or later I might have told them some things anyways, because it is a large part of how I define myself (maybe that is a problem?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to show them that they do not have to worry about me and that they should just treat me like a responsible, happy person. Because that is what I am trying to be. But that has gotten way more difficult ever since I told them about my past. What definitely also plays a role is that I have been thinking about my past myself again, since that talk. Before, when they did not know, I didn't even start to think about it because there was no reason to and I was happier that way. I had really rediscovered myself in a new way. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I introduce myself to new people without making a hurt/weak/sad impression but still be honest about what my past means to me? I am not someone who likes to hide things from others, I would like my roommates to know that I had difficulties in the past that I am still working on overcoming. But I don't want them to treat me with special care because of it, because that would not really help me with overcoming my personal view of my past, it only adds noise to my environment that I have to cancel out by responding to it one way or the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I can't make them forget what I've told them, but I also don't think I can approach them about it, because they are probably not even being overly polite consciously. How can I show them that I am not concerned about my past anymore and they shouldn't be either, without explicitly talking with them about it (because that might make it worse)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3390" LastEditorUserId="3390" LastEditDate="2018-11-26T18:01:21.743" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T18:01:21.743" Title="How can I help my roommates ignore my difficult past?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;personal-information&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-26T14:33:39.377" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20033" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20031" CreationDate="2018-11-24T17:39:08.700" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;First and foremost, an office is never a place for &quot;unwanted attention&quot; and if you receive some, it is a failure on the part of the provider of the attention, not you. You are not obliged to stop dressing the way you like, stop wearing make-up, or stop being polite as ways to prevent unwanted attention. (What's more, such techniques don't always work.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try dressing as you like. This may cause some people to comment on the change: &quot;Wow, you look dressed up today!&quot; sort of thing. You can happily acknowledge that they've noticed. &quot;Thanks, I am trying something a little new.&quot; Go ahead and smile, greet people, and be polite. Do it to everyone, not just one particular coworker who might think that this is something aimed at them specifically. Enjoy your new more relaxed approach to the office.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If someone gets the wrong idea and thinks you're interested in them, make it clear you're not. Not by ceasing all politeness and happiness to everyone, but as you did before, by directly saying you're not interested. There are questions aplenty here on what to do if that doesn't work, so I won't go further down that road.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If dressing up beautifully, wearing makeup, and smiling and saying hello to everyone makes you happier, go ahead and do it. It is most certainly normal office behavior, and holding back from it is only hurting yourself. I don't do those things at work because I don't like doing them, not as a way to keep people from mistreating me. Like I said, it doesn't even particularly work for that. Be yourself and enjoy it. If someone misinterprets it, correct their assumptions. Carry on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T01:03:58.820" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T01:03:58.820" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20034" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20031" CreationDate="2018-11-25T01:55:43.703" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let's start with the most obvious question: what is her secret?  It's biology.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Men and women are wired differently biologically to find different things attractive.  To wit: at dating sites, women most fear that the guy will be a killer.  What do men most fear?  That she'll be fat.  (&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2769315/From-escaping-bathroom-asking-pregnant-The-shocking-reactions-men-abandoned-Tinder-date-overweight.html?ito=social-facebook&amp;amp;fbclid=IwAR0y0HIYVyO3qxhKBzxRzanHXGEkTLLoaTYXzwyrc5T1-y3pAf13IfCha1g&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;reference&lt;/a&gt;)  Why do I start with that?  Because it's important to understand that the things women find attractive and unattractive are very different from the things that men find attractive and unattractive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Look also at what's considered &quot;normal&quot; societally when it comes to dating.  Older man dating a younger woman?  Kinda creepy, but it happens - especially if he's wealthy.  Older woman dating a younger man?  There are a couple of examples, but for the most part, men don't gravitate toward older women - rather it's the opposite.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So her secret is that she's out of interesting range for most men, except those older than her.  And in that case, the pool of what they consider possible is very large.  Additionally, most men aren't interested in someone else's kids, until those kids are close to grown up.  So that's another factor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In short, you've got about 30 years to duplicate that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, to answer the second question of: how do I dress how I like, be friendly to everyone, yet not attract all that attention?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, keep in mind that visual cues mean a lot to men.  So... dressing like going out clubbing will signal one thing; dressing professionally will signal something different.  It's easy to blame men for this, but let's stay away from blame and talk about information and facts.  And a fact is: if you're showing off a lot of skin, you're going to attract attention - whether that's right or not.  That said, it's still very possible to dress beautifully yet professionally.  The successful women I work with do so on a regular basis.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yet we also want to ensure that attention is circumvented and quickly.  You know that you're there to work and not flirt - now it's time to send that message.  It's possible to be attractive and professional - I've seen that for close to 40 years.  And the clue here is in your response.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The women that I've seen to this successfully give off a vibe of &quot;not interested&quot;.  If someone is there to talk about something other than work, they quickly steer the conversation back to work.  They're friendly and gregarious, yet discourage needless conversation.  &quot;Is there something I can help you with?&quot;  &quot;Is there something you need?&quot;  &quot;[X] knows more about this; please check with him/her&quot; &quot;If you'll excuse me, I have a LOT to do and limited time.&quot;  &quot;If you're going to ask me for help, I'll want to see what you've tried first&quot;  &quot;Thank you for offering; I don't recall asking for help with this&quot;  Those aren't cruel or mean yet they send the message of &quot;I have more important things to do than engage in conversation with you right now.&quot;  I've seen that be very successful with some very attractive women (who happened to be cube neighbors) that were pleasant yet had to regularly fend off visitors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T01:55:43.703" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20035" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20031" CreationDate="2018-11-25T03:06:02.670" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, a lot of people give unwanted attention despite obvious signs and even direct rejective behavior. I recommend starting with dealing with any possible advances in subtle, yet readable ways. You don't have to say &quot;I'm not interested&quot; but maybe if you're approached in a close manner, back away. If you have a boyfriend, mention him. If the person says something you don't like or disagree with, express it. Personally as a man, I wouldn't assume a woman is interested if she is disagreeing with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for your attire, I assume you're not, and for lack of a better word, dressing provocative? It's of course your right to wear what you want, but that doesn't stop people from misinterpreting what you're wearing. But that always depends on what other people's preferences are. It also depends on what your definition of &quot;dressing beautifully&quot;. I'd strongly argue that someone that can make you feel &quot;beautiful&quot; might also serve a purpose to attract attention, say a flowy shirt with midriff or generally minimal coverage (I know this is an office but just an example), a dress with a low collar, something that highlights your breasts, etc. Being an office setting, make sure you're not possibly fulfilling the 'hot office secretary' trope. Even if if a guy isn't serious about a relationship, he may still feed into something like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Now I wish to smile and say hello to people without someone thinking I&#xA;  am leading them on. And of course I wish to dress up beautifully, wear&#xA;  makeup, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this, I'd perhaps act a bit more generic. If you suspect someone has the wrong idea, stop giving him attention. Simply smile, say &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot; and move along. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;By the way she's in her 50s, married with children (if that's relevant).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this is because unless the guys are into infidelity, mothers, and 50ish years old women, she wouldn't be a 'target'. This assumes the guys looking at you are all peers. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume you're acting genuinely and you shouldn't have to change your behavior to avoid unwanted attention. Unfortunately, if all else fails, you might have to modify your behavior. Be more generic in greetings (e.g. &quot;Hi, how are you?&quot; &lt;em&gt;move along&lt;/em&gt;), divert your attention, don't laugh at people's stories or pay too much attention to them, etc. Keep in mind, some people have &lt;strong&gt;REALLY&lt;/strong&gt; thick skulls and don't get subtle hints. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21520" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T03:06:02.670" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20036" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20032" CreationDate="2018-11-25T06:32:56.273" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have read your question with full attention and I am really impressed that you seriously wants to overcome this situation and want to spend your life happily without taking a count of your relatively difficult past.&#xA;Unfortunately, these problems are increasingly day by day because strength of family system is going weak day by day. Increased number of divorces and separations left their child in very miserable conditions. These child always deprived of parents love and as a result they normally loose their confidence and in some cases become patients of depression and anxiety. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sharing others regarding your weak part of life is not at all wrong. It depends on the person in front of you that how he analyze the fact and decide accordingly. In these types of cases a vast majority of people after finding such details tries to give more attention to that person and show sympathy to make him  more comfortable. In your case it gone  in other way, no matter what they think but it is more encouraging that you want to spent your life by changing your surroundings and way of life. This is actual your strength and the best way to forgetting past is to make yourself  busy and try to spend time with  friends rather spending alone . &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can transform your past in positivity by confidently  telling that despite having difficult lifetime you have risen up and want to change your derivations.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22937" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T06:32:56.273" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20037" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20022" CreationDate="2018-11-25T12:54:59.997" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Surely related is Marshall Rosenberg's concept of nonviolent communication that addresses non-compassionate patterns of communication as &quot;jackal language&quot; (or wolf language) in contrast to &quot;giraffe language&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Source: &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rosenberg as well as Satir seem to share their roots in the human potential movement in the '60s and '70s.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9437" LastEditorUserId="22996" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T19:49:34.240" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T19:49:34.240" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20038" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20032" CreationDate="2018-11-25T13:49:34.347" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your situation is actually comparable to those of people with disabilities who want to be treated like &quot;normal&quot; people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The usual picture is that unaffected people react to disabilities with awkwardness at first, because they generally don't know what the correct reaction is. Once they see how the disabled person or someone very close to them handle the disability, they adapt their own behavior to mimic those people.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you should &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be a role model: speak about childhood memories like every other person does, preferably without diving into the saddest, darkest moments every time. Don't make a big deal about it. Your past is part of you, but it doesn't define your present.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If you can, make a joke about it. Nothing breaks the awkward knot in someones stomach faster than a laugh and your friends see that, although your actual past was quite difficult, it's no reason to make it a difficulty in the present.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Tell them in a calm moment that they don't have to avoid the topic or be all awkward. If you can, tell them how they should treat you (maybe you'd like them to avoid a specific topic?).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the mood goes sour because someone thinks they reminded you of your pasts and things get awkward, break the silence and tell them it's OK.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You know guyes, just because my family did something bad in the past doesn't mean I cannot have fun now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh man, I would curl myself up on the sofa and start crying right now, but that's really too much work and I have better things to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also have a look at similar questions we had about people reacting to disabilities ore self-harm. Maybe some answers can help you, too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/14295/17850&quot;&gt;How do I prevent people from thinking my deformity disables me?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/17699/17850&quot;&gt;How to deal with friends finding out I self-harm(ed)?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/8130/17850&quot;&gt;How do I deal with someone who makes more of my disabilities than I do?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T13:49:34.347" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20039" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20027" CreationDate="2018-11-25T15:52:45.267" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Generally friendships made through online apps for dating only get stronger on some concrete and common grounds. Availability of common interests always provides strength in relationships, which ultimately becomes a source of confidence for both sides.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, perhaps no common interest is available, although being  a happier personality with successful career in front is a positive point of your personality which one can count on to build a relationship with you. As she is facing some depressed atmosphere around her with no job and unknown future status, in these circumstances most people live a confused life with no positive hopes in future. In such situations one cannot focus their attention on their ongoing issues. Your friend is probably living in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are serious about continuing your relationship with her, you have to work hard to give her full confidence. No need to ask her directly regarding continuation of your relationship, try to involve her in your ongoing affairs by sharing personal information regarding your family, job &amp;amp; future planning. If she shows some interest in this information, you can easily judge that she wants to continue having a relationship with you. If she does not show any interest, then she only wanted this relationship to spend her time and did not want to strengthen it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22937" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-26T15:19:44.403" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T15:19:44.403" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20040" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-11-25T16:12:28.037" Score="0" Body="" OwnerUserId="-1" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T16:12:28.037" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T16:12:28.037" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20041" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-11-25T16:12:28.037" Score="0" Body="For questions about issues that take place in a high-school setting." OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-11-25T21:05:41.050" LastActivityDate="2018-11-25T21:05:41.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20042" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20044" CreationDate="2018-11-26T07:08:38.960" Score="15" ViewCount="1395" Body="&lt;p&gt;This morning, when I went to the local bakery, a woman (maybe around 25 years old) parking on the handicap spot right in front of the store. To me, she didn't look disabled at all. Granted, not every disability is visible from the outside, so to say, but here in Germany you have to have a special sticker stuck to the inside of your windshield, which you can get from the government, in order to signify you are disabled and actually allowed to park on such spots. However, she didn't have that one either and to me it looked like she was just too lazy to park across the street and walk 10 more meters (and maybe because she thought nobody would care since its really early in the morning).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This behavior is really upsetting me, and I was about to say something - but didn't knew what. If she is willing to park there, without being disabled, she'll be willing to park there in the future again and maybe block the spot for someone actually disabled.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In such a situation, how would you talk to the other person in order to, at least, get the other person thinking about what they are doing there? Maybe that leads to them not parking on such spots anymore. I myself am not disabled (if that may influence the way to deal with this).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19868" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-02T19:39:12.257" LastActivityDate="2018-12-02T19:39:12.257" Title="Non-disabled people parking on handicap spots" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;disability&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20044" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20042" CreationDate="2018-11-26T08:59:39.177" Score="29" Body="&lt;p&gt;As far as I know, the special sticker is actually a card, which can be layed on the dashboard (this eg allows people with disabilities to be passengers on other peoples cars, and still have the possibility to park in these special parking spots).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So one approach might be to assume that it's an honest mistake. As you said, there are invisible disabilities, and assuming that they are not actually disabled is rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, I think you forgot to lay out your disability parking card. [optionally you may add: I don't want you to get towed, as this is a handicap spot. ]&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it was an honest mistake, this gives the other person the option to say thanks and get the card. Or to say that they didn't realize, and that they will move. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it wasn't an honest mistake, you can then decide how to proceed based on their response (aggressive, dismissive, confused, etc). Eg explaining to them that they are taking the place from someone that truely needs it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1583" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T08:59:39.177" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20045" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20027" CreationDate="2018-11-26T10:33:42.803" Score="3" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;reiterated she wants to meet people and do things in real life.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would use this as a leverage. Remind her that this is her plan, and tell her that you want to be a good friend and help her with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I often (daily) make great plans for my future, only to shatter them the next day. But being reminded by my friends that I actually DO want to go out and do real-life things can help me a great deal along.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4291" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T10:33:42.803" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20047" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19976" CreationDate="2018-11-26T11:24:44.027" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;While the other answers are a good approach if you want to talk to the cleaning staff directly, I'd like to offer a different alternative:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk to management.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The conflict you are experiencing - you want to shower, the cleaning staff want to clean - is really neither party's fault. If talking to the staff resolves your problem, then great. However, it may not - maybe you find the wait to be unacceptably long, or maybe the staff cannot tell you how long it will take, because multiple persons are involved, with no one knowing how long the rest will take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In that case, the problem is really that management schedules cleaning of the facilities to conflict with patrons' use of them. Then you are justified in speaking to management, and to ask them to make sure that the facilities are available when you need them. You probably cannot expect the showers to be available every minute of the day, but if the showers are &quot;blocked&quot; for, say, an hour or more, I'd consider that unreasonable, as that means many people will not have time to wait and will be effectively blocked from using the showers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, if you cannot find a solution with the cleaning staff directly, go to management, describe the problem, and ask for a solution. Options include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;scheduling the cleaning for after hours (or only a quick wipe during the day and thorough cleaning later)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;keeping one shower open while cleaning the other&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;announcing cleaning times so customers can plan accordingly&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1775" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T11:24:44.027" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20049" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20008" CreationDate="2018-11-26T12:27:55.337" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would advocate approaching this as a general medical issue rather than as one of mental health per se.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have yourself described your parent's symptoms as being signs of Mild Cognitive Impairment. When I look up your term I readily arrive at this information about potential &lt;em&gt;causes&lt;/em&gt; of MCI on &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/mild-cognitive-impairment-mci-causes&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;Alzheimers.org.uk&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Some people with MCI will turn out to have a different, often treatable, cause following assessment by a doctor. This could include depression, anxiety or stress. The same symptoms could also be caused by a physical illness (such as constipation, infection), poor eyesight or hearing, vitamin or thyroid deficiencies, or the side effects of medication. Where this is the case, the person will be diagnosed with this condition – a thyroid deficiency or depression, for example – rather than MCI.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you feel the need to explain to your parent why you think they need to visit a clinician, then you should reassure them that &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;The term MCI describes a set of symptoms, rather than a specific disease. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your parent is so sensitive to the idea of mental health issues then presenting your concern in terms of this physical and treatable category of causes obviates that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of how to bring up the subject, that depends almost entirely on the nature of the relationship between yourself and your parent, but if sensitivity is a key issue you could try moving into the subject by talking about some healthcare issue of your own, or by making a general query about how often they got a general check up. From there you could remark that you have noticed some changes in them which is causing you to be concerned. I &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; mention the irritability in this context as that is a real change in personality rather than a 'failing' to remember things/words, so you can characterise it as 'you just don't seem yourself these days' which they may be more receptive to than the aspects which are more obviously cognitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I note that you reference your parent's spouse, and would also suggest that you speak to them about it. Obviously I don't know your family relationships, but it is possible that both your parent and their partner are already aware of the issue but have not yet chosen to share facts with others, or that your parent's partner has already hit the brick-wall of your parent's sensitivity and would welcome the two of you broaching the subject jointly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do remember in all of this that if your parent is presently experiencing cognitive difficulties, regardless of the cause, that that may affect their reaction to your concern, so cut them some slack if they seem ungrateful or prickly over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9837" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T12:27:55.337" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20050" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12325" CreationDate="2018-11-26T13:05:06.303" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Basically, it looks like David is trying to replace one addiction with another one ( as far as I know this is a regular thing for those who recovered from heavy drugs - like methadone,morphine,fentanyl, or &lt;a href=&quot;https://addictionresource.com/drugs/heroin/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;other&lt;/a&gt; opioids.) So, it seems to me, that it would be a tough thing to do no matter what you decide.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to tell him the truth, he would probably take it too personal, which makes a drug relapse very possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you decide to pretend he is doing great with mandoline, the truth would come out anyway, and consequences could be just as damaging.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thus, I would probably try just to talk to him and find out what he really thinks about his classes. Help him to come to a personal conclusion, do not push on him. You need to make sure David does not feel guilty because the lack of success. However, you should give the &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.wikihow.com/Criticize-Constructively&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;constructive critisism&lt;/a&gt; to a mandoline teacher if you believe this is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23013" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T13:05:06.303" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20051" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="5352" CreationDate="2018-11-26T13:25:49.180" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say you don't understand why a customer might flirt with you because (1) you're being paid to help them, so you don't need any more incentive; and (2) because you don't think they &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to hook up with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people modify their behaviour to suit different situations. This can be to achieve a goal - sometimes for personal gain, but sometimes for the benefit of others, for example, to make someone else feel more comfortable. There are probably lots of reasons why a customer may flirt with a service provider other than incentivising them to do work they are doing already or &lt;em&gt;actually&lt;/em&gt; coming on to them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, I work in a large organisation that has a subsidised restaurant for staff. There are both men and women working behind the counter. I have consistently found that if I mechanically ask for my food, I get a carefully measured portion; but if I smile and make eye contact with the server, I get larger portions - bigger slices, more fries. This isn't just the women but the men too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if your particular retail environment isn't the same as that, some people may believe they'll get &lt;em&gt;better&lt;/em&gt;, &lt;em&gt;faster&lt;/em&gt;, or &lt;em&gt;preferential&lt;/em&gt; service, or maybe even a &lt;em&gt;discount&lt;/em&gt; if they are extra-nice to you. That could include deliberately &quot;flirting&quot;, or it could just include friendly behaviour that you are interpreting as such. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or, maybe they are just being &lt;em&gt;nice&lt;/em&gt; for no reason. Some people are nice!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I find that more than ever, people have &quot;strategies&quot; when shopping for goods or services. This may because of the rise of centralised service centres where sales rep follow a &quot;script&quot;. There are loads of websites that tell you how to subvert this kind of &quot;scripted&quot; conversation for your benefit. Again, I know this may not be the specific environment you work in, but it does go towards explaining why some people behave in particular ways to get a better service, more for their money, or, less selfishly, a more pleasant experience for them and for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T13:25:49.180" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20052" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19866" CreationDate="2018-11-26T14:45:54.300" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;To be honest, you could just as easily tell this story but replace the badly behaved dog with a badly behaved child. If someone in your family has a naughty kid they will persistently disrupt conversation and the parents just end up talking about their kid and excusing their behaviour.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Just as there are different styles of parenting, with some parents &quot;leading&quot; the way for their kids and others allowing their kids to dictate what happens, when, and how, there are also different kinds of dog owners. Most responsible and informed dog owners know that a dog's happiness is intrinsically linked to their behaviour as a pack animal. Strict training and discipline teach them that &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are the alpha, and they derive happiness and satisfaction from being obedient. But then there are the others who bought a dog for company, not really knowing how to train it, and as a result spend all their life telling others &quot;this is just how he is&quot; while others struggle not to roll their eyes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Going back to the child comparison - people who don't actually &quot;train&quot; their children are usually of the belief that they will find their own way eventually, and tend to give them whatever they want, or whatever pacifies them in the short term, for example candys/sweets. If this dog is badly behaved there is a good chance they haven't used feeding times as an opportunity for training, and it will probably act extremely selfishly with food. If you give it a treat, such as a bone, or something else chewy that it has to take its time over, it will probably grab it, disappear into a corner and stay there. It will probably growl at anyone who attempts to go near it, and its owners will probably say &quot;you best just leave him&quot; or something like that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry if giving a chew treat to a dog doesn't sound much of an interpersonal skill, but your interpersonal goal is to have a better conversation with your family, and this could well be the solution. And if I'm right, and this &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; how the owners treat their dog anyway, by doing this you'll be &quot;speaking their language&quot;, that is going along with the choices they have made for training (or not) their pet.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T14:45:54.300" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20056" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-26T17:14:50.557" Score="4" ViewCount="747" Body="&lt;p&gt;My situation: I am 35 years old, female, from Germany. I work at the university and I have a lot of male colleagues. Two years ago, a friend of mine (no colleague, living appox 500 kilometers away) told me, that he loves me. I told him that I didn't want a relationship and he started stalking me. Over 300 WhatsApp messages per day, several voice messages.... He told be that he wanted to kill me, rape me, kill or cripple my friends. After months I had a nervous breakdown when he sent me pictures from the highway and when he told me he would come to my apartment and kill me. I went to the police and they forced him to turn around. I reported the whole case to the police and after a while the prosecuting attorney dropped the case (reason:he never attacked my physically). I changed my mobile phone number and deleted all social media accounts. Since then, he stopped stalking me. This was May 2016.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In April 2018,I found a letter in my mailbox. No stamps on in, just a single sheet of paper with an old image of me and a TF symbol engraved in my forehead... Including the words 'remember the trigger figure' (TF). I brought the letter directly to the police. A second letter followed two weeks later (at my birthday), this time I also found glass shards under the tires of my car. One week later I found screws under my tires.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two more isolated TF symbols I my mailbox followed and the police granted me a preliminary injunction. The next letter was really strange. There was a picture on it clearly shot in my home town and the text had some distinct spelling mistakes, which were never made by the original stalker.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Around this time, a colleague told me that he fell in love with me and I rejected him. He works as technician in my department and he is very angry about his life and often reacts really aggressive against me and others.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Two more letters followed... Both including information the original stalker can't know... One was about field work in another country only my colleagues knew about. The second letter arrived today. It contained the family name of my new boyfriend and an image of my with the word 'disgusting' engraved to my forehead. I attended a symposium last weekend where I showed a scientific poster, which I did together with my boyfriend. This is the only time that somebody could have read his family name. We are connected nowhere else and therefore the original stalker can't know his name.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The angry, rejected colleague attended the meeting, too and acted really aggressive against me. He called me arrogant and selfish for presenting a poster and acted really jealous when somebody told him that I will not attend the conference dinner but spend the evening with my boyfriend instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also received several emails from the colleague containing the same spelling mistakes I found in the letters and the letters are printed on the same paper we use in our laser printer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My question: how can I ask him if he did that? I want to ask him first without informing the police because I don't want the whole workgroup to suffer from my situation. And I want to give him a chance to confess and stop it. How can I start a talk about that? And how can I deal with him in the future? He will stay at the university because he is a permanent employee, same as I am.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any help is appreciated, I am really worried right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22544" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T20:19:25.653" Title="Stalking - I accuse a colleague to be a free rider. How can I ask him if he does that?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-11-26T20:20:05.593" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20057" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20027" CreationDate="2018-11-26T17:24:11.070" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;tldr&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Not all friendships are the same, be ready to accept that friendship may have to be on her terms.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my own experience with a friend who has a history of medically diagnosed depression and anxiety I can say that trying to pour too much of your own effort into trying to strengthen this friendship can be extremely draining for you and without much reward for your effort.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to know that depression and anxiety are isolating conditions to deal with. Depression makes it harder for them to feel excited going outside and taking initiative themselves, it can also make it so they have less energy and have to take breaks from even simple things like conversations. Anxiety enforces this by creating a stressful feeling whenever they do try to go out and take initiative or when they find themselves in a new situation. Don't forget as well that these are not problems that can solved overnight with a good friend, these can sometimes take years to make even slight progress (which will contribute to this effort draining you if you want to be their friend to help them).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That all said, it sounds to me like she may already consider you some sort of friend but due to the isolating qualities of her condition her terms of friendship are less than what you would consider normal. She is taking the time to consistently message you and has at one point hung out with you in person.   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to continue your friendship with her I would not recommend causing her more anxiety by pressuring her to put a label on your relationship, instead allow her to continue messaging you every so often and every now and then you may find she has the energy and will to try hanging out in person again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T17:24:11.070" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20058" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-26T18:27:46.213" Score="16" ViewCount="1284" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sometimes, someone will talk to you about a very emotional and/or difficult topic. In this scenario, you are supposed to give comfort to the person with whom you are talking. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone on the autism spectrum, I always find those kinds of situations very hard to deal with as I don't know what to do. Most of the time, I will simply just &quot;freeze&quot; and be unable to do anything. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person is crying a lot, then I know that offering a hug would be appropriate. So, I just open my arm to suggest a hug and wait to know if the other person wants it or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, if the other person isn't really crying, offering a hug feels like I would be &quot;overreacting&quot;, especially if the other person doesn't really like to be touched. So, I would like to offer some comforting tap on the shoulder/arm instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I could just ask:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you want me to tap your shoulder/arm in a comforting way? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things would be simpler. However, I'm pretty sure asking something like that would be absolutely weird. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, is there some non-verbal ways that I could ask this question? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to touch someone that doesn't want to be touched.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-03-15T17:16:56.263" LastActivityDate="2019-03-17T21:42:32.270" Title="What non-verbal communication can I use to ask if someone want physical comfort?" Tags="&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;&lt;physical-contact&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20059" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20058" CreationDate="2018-11-26T19:01:26.483" Score="13" Body="&lt;p&gt;These situations are generally context dependent. Your  relationship to/with the person makes a big difference in what would be expected or appropriate. If it's someone you already know well, there's more leeway than with someone you don't. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In either case, I'd caution you to consider that a comforting gesture is only really comforting if you're comfortable doing it. Being stiff or awkward about it will likely cause it to feel stiff or awkward for the recipient, so maybe just skip it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are comfortable offering a physical reassurance or comfort,  you can gauge whether the distressed person wants that by extending a hand, and waiting for a reaction. Not an open arm hug gesture, or extending your hand for a hand shake, but something sort of inbetween. Relaxed, unassuming, arm extended, palm up; sort of like an invitation to hold hands.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is something you're unsure about, you may want to consider listening and &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/q/19041/59&quot;&gt;holding space&lt;/a&gt;, there's more than one way to be comforting. Find your strengths.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="59" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T19:01:26.483" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20061" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20058" CreationDate="2018-11-26T23:26:24.470" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't know of any direct, non-verbal communication that gets at what you want to know. Further, I wouldn't say that this is something at which people not on the spectrum (or deep into territory considered neurotypical, I'm unclear on how the terminology is used here) are much good at. This is an interpersonal situation in which anyone can easily get it wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;standard&quot; approach, in my observation, is to use &lt;strong&gt;light, brief contact&lt;/strong&gt; at first and then gauge the response. Most people are generally prepared enough for a brief, light pat/squeeze on the shoulder or forearm (whatever is more easily reachable given how you are arranged).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people don't want that, and will say so or physically draw away from you. In either case, you have your answer-- no more contact. But the initial contact was mild, brief, and not anywhere intimate, so you're not likely to be scarring someone forever, or even meaningfully upsetting them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people do want the contact, and may further it (lean into you, hug you, etc.). Others will just sit there as they were, and you won't have any indication that you are making them more or less comfortable, and you may (somewhat awkwardly) continue or (somewhat awkwardly) withdraw.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think that it is very rare to encounter someone that will react very badly to being touched so tamely, will share something so personal with you, and not have already indicated to you (some way or other) their preferences to not be touched at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;People as upset as those you are describing are probably not focusing too hard on you or on any signals you're sending or expecting to receive. If you are really uncomfortable and can't decide what would be appropriate, &lt;strong&gt;when in doubt, don't touch.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T23:26:24.470" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20062" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20027" CreationDate="2018-11-26T23:55:00.137" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;My experience with clinical depression was marked by many of the same behaviors.  It's difficult to have self-control.  It drains a lot of energy away.  It's really bad on the self-image. For example, she might not want to hang with you because she can't imagine you wanting to do that with her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can provide is human contact, but you may have to change tactics.  Don't sweat her conversations.  She may be doing her best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you ask about hanging out with her, emphasize that it's something you want to do.  Keep it low-key.  You don't want to trigger her anxiety.  You want to be really careful about giving her any hassle about her circumstances or behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Check if she's getting treatment.  If not, you could see if you can find some free therapy.  Offer to take her there, because she's not likely to go there on her own.  If you don't know much about depression or anxiety, learn.  There's good resources on the web.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cultivate interests that she has that are not about her.  Are you interested in video games?  Some of the shows she binge-watches?  Those could be good topics of conversation.  Perhaps you could join her in playing or binge-watching at some point.  Again, tell her it's something you want to do, and leave her feeling like you feel good about your visit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is going to be frustrating time and again, and bailing on her is certainly an option you can take without really feeling bad about yourself.  You're volunteering a lot without immediate hope of reward.  Heck, there's no guarantee you'll be close friends once she gets better, but she will at least remember you fondly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18513" LastActivityDate="2018-11-26T23:55:00.137" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20063" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20027" CreationDate="2018-11-27T19:04:53.643" Score="1" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, I'm looking for good approaches to ask if she wants to be friends. If feel if I were to just say that, she might just not respond or change topics.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That question is too direct for most people. Most people will just say something along the lines of &quot;Of course!&quot; and move on to the next (more comfortable) subject. The truth is that she may not know the answer herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, the best way to find out if a person is truly dedicated to being your friend is to wait for them to ask a favor, and then say &quot;no.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If you tell her &quot;no&quot; and her reaction is anything other than respectful, she is not a good friend. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13909" LastActivityDate="2018-11-27T19:04:53.643" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20064" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19996" CreationDate="2018-11-27T20:56:03.830" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't provide any insight into the autism/Asperger aspect, but I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; an &lt;strong&gt;introvert&lt;/strong&gt; and it sounds like you might be too: &lt;a href=&quot;https://introvertdear.com/what-is-an-introvert-definition/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;https://introvertdear.com/what-is-an-introvert-definition/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've found that it helps if people know I'm introverted and what it means (that I need more time to recharge after social encounters than extroverts do), so they'll understand if I feel the need to (in the moment) withdraw from a conversation or (in general) take a nap in the afternoon. Knowing that I won't have to go into detail gives me the option to just excuse myself with a short, &quot;Sorry, I need some time for myself&quot; (or &quot;I'm really tired&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could do some research on the difference between introverts and share your findings with your family, for example by forwarding them a link. It might make them understand why you need time for yourself and that you're not being rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, even if they don't completely understand, you might be able to steal some time for yourself by using situations where it's &lt;strong&gt;socially acceptable to leave the conversation&lt;/strong&gt; and then take your sweet time before returning. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Surely taking a restroom break is a valid excuse to leave the table, for example. Alternatively, you could proactively offer to do chores if that would be less stressful than hanging around and talking. (In fact, more than once have I started carrying dishes into the kitchen, turned on the dish washer, and then just stayed in the kitchen to read a book...)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the couch is in the same room as where everybody else is chatting, that might actually be part of the problem. If you retire elsewhere, your aunt might be too busy with her guests to go looking for you, which buys you some time to recharge your batteries.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick is to disengage from social situations &lt;em&gt;before&lt;/em&gt; your energy runs out. I've been aware of this trait for years, and I still sometimes accidentally drain myself by not realizing when my energy is running dangerously low. Once it's completely depleted, I'll feel tired, physically sick and burnt out. However, I've become much better at watching my own energy levels, so it happens much more rarely nowadays than it used to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1750" LastActivityDate="2018-11-27T20:56:03.830" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20069" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20019" CreationDate="2018-11-28T10:17:50.083" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;Basically, what you are asking is how to fight a meme, and an online meme at that. The short answer is that you don't, at least not head on. The best you can hope to achieve is to sow a seed of doubt in those that can think for themselves instead of endlessly repeating the same memetic content. For those that can think for themselves this might eventually defuse the meme. Garner sufficient people in which the meme is no longer active and you may end up in a situation where through self-policing of the community it is no longer done to repeat the meme, although there always will be a group that perseveres.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This particular meme, that crossdressers and transgender people are hypersexualized and out to 'trap' men (or women as the TERFs would have you believe) is just as transphobic as the former category that believes that ones gender is firmly seated in ones biological assigned sex and is binary, either based on religious tenets or lack of education. Both are arguably counterfactual. And both are mortally dangerous to crossdressers, transgender people and intersex people with 25 transgender persons killed in the US this year, 369 in the world (not counting the suicides - many, many more). In fact, the sexualization of transgender people and the meme of entrapment contributes to the homicide figure because 'trans panic' (your honor, I was shocked to find it was a man and I panicked) is still an acceptable plea in 47 out of 50 states in the US.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But, in an online forum, never, ever, say that it is transphobic. That will only serve to alienate people. It is very much like pointing out something that is systematically or institutionalized racist (white folks don't like that and think they are being accused of being a racist) or sexist (men don't like that and think they are being accused of being a sexist). This is the same: cis people don't like that and think they are being accused of being cisnormative. The sense of being accused leads to a defensive reaction and as a result, they stop listening and either defend their position or attack their perceived accuser, only strengthening the harmful meme.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, give factoids - backed up by links if necessary - or alternate narratives - preferably based on personal experience - and leave it at that. Walk away. Don't argue. Sow a seed of doubt and let people think for themselves. Most are smart and those that aren't you cannot lure away from their meme anyway, unless you replace it with an even more powerful beneficial meme (and good luck finding that!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now to the topic of the fantasy/fetish and why it is counterfactual.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;most transgender persons (and crossdressers, for that matter) I know (and I know quite a few) are ordinary people who would like to get on with their lives. They go to work (or to school), have love lives (just as much monogamous relationships as the cis-population), families, hobbies and interests (some quaint, some very ordinary). They would like to live that life in the gender they identify with (permanently for transgender people and occasionally for crossdressers) and are in that respect mostly not different from the cis-people you would meet day in day out - especially post transition you would never know unless you'd be told or went out of your way to find out;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;there is a bit more sexual diversity among transgender persons/crossdressers than among the general population. This is natural, if you can be honest to yourself and investigate your gender identity and gender expression then it is natural to sidestep into questioning your sexual and romantic orientation (&lt;a href=&quot;http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2015/03/the-genderbread-person-v3/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2015/03/the-genderbread-person-v3/&lt;/a&gt;), instead of following the heteronormative path foisted on you by societal norms. Still, most transgender persons are heterosexual/heteroromantic but this statistic is slightly skewed because it used to be a prerequisite for receiving care that you were attracted to the opposite gender;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;pre-op trans women in particular have very low libido due to hormone replacement therapy. Testosterone has a key role in sex drive for both men and women and the anti-androgen leaves trans women with very low testosterone levels, much less than most cis women. Post op, trans women only have levels generated by the adrenal cortex, not the boost generated by the ovaries just before ovulation (&lt;a href=&quot;http://archive.transgenderuniverse.com/2016/07/18/sex-and-the-transgender-libido/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;http://archive.transgenderuniverse.com/2016/07/18/sex-and-the-transgender-libido/&lt;/a&gt;). For trans men, their testosterone levels are comparable to cis men but much of that goes into building up muscle;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;most transgender persons dress very ordinarily once they have found their style (it takes a bit of time to learn that). Sure, a trans woman might want to feel pretty and/or sexy but that is just like cis women do. Crossdressers (self identified men who like to express themselves as female from time to time, or vice versa although this is much more easily accepted in today's society) tend to exaggerate the femininity/masculinity a little but for the most part this is still quite decent. For only a minority of crossdressers this is a sexual fetish and they do dress the part. Drag kings and queens dress for the performance and the show, but that is exactly what it is, a show.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;a small portion of pre op trans women are sex workers, often out of sheer economic necessity as there is a lot of discrimination in the labor market against trans women (especially of color) and medication and surgeries are expensive if you have to pay for it yourself because you are not covered by health insurance (how big a portion depends on the nation and nationality of the trans woman, for my country this is estimated to be below or near 1% by a reliable source, on a par with cis women engaging in sex work). Some men do have this fetish (having sex with a woman with a penis) so there is a market for their services. Generally speaking both customer and sex worker are fully aware of this situation (often unspoken), but sometimes the customer gets cold feet (of having his fantasy become reality) which may result in violence. Sometimes the reverse happens (blackmail, extortion) but that is even more rare. It is this latter narrative that is one of the roots of the 'trap' meme.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16263" LastEditorUserId="16263" LastEditDate="2018-11-28T22:17:30.673" LastActivityDate="2018-11-28T22:17:30.673" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20070" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20019" CreationDate="2018-11-28T14:13:24.780" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;This isn't a comprehensive answer, but I wanted to address the tactic that you've tried which hasn't been working.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, maybe if you like them, you could stop using derogatory terms to talk about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I read this it comes across as accusatory and fairly confrontational. Your phrasing implies that you don't think they actually like trans people because they used a derogatory term. It's only human nature that they would then try to defend themselves, so they respond that of course they support trans people, so this term &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; be derogatory. Everyone gets entrenched in being right and no one wins.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, approach it from a stance of education and assume good intentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I know you support trans people, so you probably aren't aware, but all of my trans friends say they find the term &quot;trap&quot; derogatory and offensive. It's because the term &quot;trap&quot; implies that trans people are trying to trick you when really they just want to be loved for who they are. Instead, I would just say that she's a beautiful woman. &lt;em&gt;(or whatever explanation is most accurate and appropriate for the situation)&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach does a number of things&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You acknowledge that you know you two are on the same side and don't think they are trying to be offensive&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You cite first-hand sources (&lt;em&gt;all of my trans friends say...&lt;/em&gt;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You give an explanation for &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; a term is offensive so they can better understand, not just &quot;because I said so&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;You offer an alternative so that they know how to avoid using this term in the future&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This general approach should apply for most any instance where you see someone advocating for a cause or group and still using words or arguments that you consider harmful. This way you are not just telling them they are wrong and should feel bad about it - you are educating them so that they can be more conscious of their words. And if they are truly sincere about being supportive of the trans community, then they can hopefully help to pass it on and educate others in the future as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1959" LastEditorUserId="1959" LastEditDate="2018-11-28T14:18:48.580" LastActivityDate="2018-11-28T14:18:48.580" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20071" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-28T19:45:03.110" Score="2" ViewCount="1883" Body="&lt;p&gt;I signed the lease for a small 2 bedroom apartment. I have had four roommates in the span of three years. The three previous roommates left because they moved out of town. The current roommate started in January. Our relationship had generally gone alright. He is clean and respectful in terms of noise. However, he is pretty quiet. We have had lengthy conversations in the past while having dinner and we have even gone out for dinner twice (although always my suggestion).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the last months, situation has gone worse. He started wearing headphones while in the living room. I once tried to strike up a conversation with him by asking &quot;How was your day?&quot; to which he took the headphones off, answered briefly and put them back on. I reproached him that it was rude to put them back on if I was talking to him. He said that he didn't know the conversation was not over. I responded saying that it wasn't. Then he asked, &quot;is it over now?&quot; to which I affirmed. I did not want to bother him further. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following day I asked him if everything was alright with his life. He had mentioned in the past that he was a bit burned out of work. He lives a bit far from home (7 hour drive) and does not see his family much. I know also he's the only child and his parents live in different continents (probably he was raised my his mom only). For the record, I am from Europe, while he is American. To my question, he responded that he doesn't want to talk to anybody after work and that he sees the roommate relationship as a business, where it doesn't have to go further than cleaning and mutual respect for each other. Then he asked me if that was ok with me, to which I said that honestly I would prefer to live with somebody that did not see this coexistence as a business.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Despite this, I never asked him to leave. My lease was up in November and I let him know that I was planning to stay until March and that he was welcome to stay longer. Mainly because looking for a new roommate for only four months was going to be difficult. I admit I would have preferred to live with somebody else, but it was more convenient for me to wait until March and live with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our relationship deteriorated after our conversation about living together as a business. I tried to strike up a conversation with him a couple of times, but did not go far and he did not reciprocate by showing interest about me. Then, at the beginning of November, he let me know he might be leaving by the end of December. I told him that was ok. The next day though, I asked him that he needed to make a decision quickly, because if he leaves in December, it is going to be hard for me to find a roommate given the holidays. I told him that he would have to leave by December 8th (30 days after) if he left. After this, he said he was going to leave for sure and he got upset and angry that he needed more days. I told him that I was running the risk of not finding a roommate to move in right before Christmas. This situation happened to me last year, and because I went home for Christmas during two weeks, I could not find a new roommate until mid January. I ended up paying a month of rent by myself. I explained that to him and I think he understood, but it did not change his angry mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday, he told me he was moving out on December 1st and that he needed the security deposit before then to pay his new room. I told him that is not how it works and that he needs to leave the room before I give him back the deposit. He got mad and raised his voice saying that he needs the money and that I need to tell him what problems his room might have so he can hash them out before he leaves. I said I understood that and I would let him know. I asked him again if everything was alright given that he seemed very angry. I asked him if something in my behavior had not been alright and it is the source of his anger towards me. He responded: &quot;We're not having this conversation. I will leave on Saturday and we will be all good&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly, I am a bit scared because I have never had this angry behavior against me (I have shared houses or apartments with more than 15 different people throughout the years). He mentioned once that he would be interested in buying a gun so he could go to the shooting range. I don't know if he did.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because he needs the money, I am planning to check the room if it needs work, give him 60% of the deposit and the remaining 40% once he leaves, to make sure the room is clean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I convey to him that this is a reasonable decision?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some more data. He is in his late 20s and I am in my early 30s. We shared costs for common things such as toiler paper and paper towels. In fact, whenever something is lacking, I just buy it and don't let him know how much it is. I expected him to do something similar and he has. At the beginning, he asked me once how much it had been the TP. I said he didn't have to worry about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My name is the only one on the lease. He never signed anything and I have no connection with the landlord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23038" LastEditorUserId="23038" LastEditDate="2018-11-29T18:29:02.417" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T01:10:17.113" Title="Roommate demanding security deposit before leaving the room" Tags="&lt;money&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20073" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-29T13:16:05.737" Score="4" ViewCount="462" Body="&lt;p&gt;Off-late, I have been attending interviews and I have had good and bad experiences,  one of which is as follows. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The interviewer asks a question and minds their own business, viz, working on their laptop or mobile, or simply utter the words &quot;uh huh&quot; repeatedly to everything that I say. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both the cases, the interviewer didn't pay attention to what I said; I knew it because they would ask the same question again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do understand that sometimes it would be a test to see how the candidate responds in such cases, but in a case or two I genuinely felt that I was being interviewed just for the namesake. And laptop thing is not really a test. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I interact with an interviewer who does not appear to be paying attention to me, in order to retain or regain their attention?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18643" LastEditorUserId="8077" LastEditDate="2018-11-30T12:25:03.123" LastActivityDate="2018-11-30T22:41:44.633" Title="How can I retain the attention of an Interviewer?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20074" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20073" CreationDate="2018-11-29T13:33:20.720" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Firstly, even though it is true that some people are &lt;strong&gt;terrible&lt;/strong&gt; at conducting interviews, don't assume that they are ignoring you and working on their laptop. Many interviews in large organisations today are conducted &lt;em&gt;by&lt;/em&gt; a manager, untrained in interview technique, but conducted &lt;em&gt;to&lt;/em&gt; a set of rules imposed upon them by a human resource department. As such, interviews can be a point-scoring exercise. The interviewer may actually be taking detailed notes of what you are saying, so rather than ignoring you, they are trying to listen. Later on, they may use what they have written about your answers to &quot;score&quot; you. In some cases it literally is the highest scoring candidate that wins; other times they may consider other factors too but use the scores to justify their decision, at least in part. This is based on my own experience working in two different government organisations in the UK as a manager who interviewed and hired.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be easy to be negative about some interviews and assume that you are not doing very well because of the way the interviewer is responding, or not. But if you want to get a job, &lt;em&gt;keep positive&lt;/em&gt;! Remember that some interviewers can be as nervous about the process as the interviewees, and this can account for some behaviour. Also, if they &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; taking notes to &quot;score&quot; you, you must continue your interview with a positive manner otherwise your score won't be so high. In fact, if you think that they are making notes, my advice is to &lt;em&gt;say as much as you can&lt;/em&gt;. Don't waffle, but say for example they ask for a list of things you have done. Don't just give a couple of examples if you feel you can list them all in a reasonable time. In score-based interviews, you can't really score less for talking more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would probably be inadvisable to try and say something to a prospective employer that could come across as rude, like checking if they are actually listening to you or not. But at most interviews you are given an opportunity to ask &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; some questions. Always have some good questions prepared that show you have done some specific research about their organisation. This also is an opportunity to show them that you are interested in &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt; (not just in getting any old job), and should also be a chance for you to interact with them properly. If they are still muttering a few words to you whilst typing at this stage of an interiew, then perhaps you are right, and they are just rude. Personally, I wouldn't want to work for someone like that and I'd consider it a lucky escape to not get that job. But always be polite, because you never know how this employer might be connected to other prospective employers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-11-29T13:33:20.720" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20077" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-29T16:45:27.077" Score="9" ViewCount="1546" Body="&lt;p&gt;My 24 year-old daughter lives apart from me with her father. A year ago she bought an expensive coyote fur-trimmed Canada Goose brand coat, knowing that it was coyote fur.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the time, I was unaware of the Canada Goose brand and their fur-farming practices. Now that I am privy to this brand and their practices, I find that I am increasingly bothered to look at her in this coat, each time we meet for our weekly family brunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A part of me feels that it's a petty issue, but another part of me is sort of astounded that my daughter seems to value status and vanity over ethics. This choice is in conflict with what I believe are our family values, and I feel like she is rejecting them. Even though I would not consider myself a vocal animal rights activist, I am an animal-lover. She mentioned when she bought it that it kind of bothered her that an animal was killed for it, but she went ahead in spite of that. That is immensely disappointing to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I say &quot;family values&quot;, her adult brother is also in opposition to the coat but wants to avoid conflict over it. Her father did not influence her decision other than helping her with a loan to purchase the coat. I have not spoken to him about this, although he is aware of my position. He avoids conflict so doesn't express what he feels, but I would say that he tends to see me as the moral compass of the family. So he supports my position although he does not seem to have a personal opinion on fur-farming ethics nor acts on it autonomously. (Just as a footnote, although we are a meat-eating family, I tend to buy only organic or ethically-raised meat and try to reduce plastic waste.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't talked to her about this yet. I don't know how to approach the subject without a showdown, as every time I try to discuss any real issue with her she becomes aggressive. But I want to let her know this as I have a duty, not only to my family but to myself, to speak up. I feel like by wearing this coat all the time, she is going to great lengths to reject not only the way she was raised, but in essence, me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I express my disappointment about the coat to her, without causing a dispute?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My priority is to be able to state my opposition without a blow-up fight, as each time I address a sensitive issue with her it's ended badly. Yes, she has a right to not care about fur-farming lack of ethics, but it's about enjoying her company and my time with her, and not being afraid of blow-out meltdowns.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17973" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2019-08-03T02:09:15.820" LastActivityDate="2019-08-05T12:45:34.210" Title="How to voice my disapointment with my adult daughter's choice to own a fur-trimmed coat, without having a dispute?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20078" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20077" CreationDate="2018-11-29T18:15:19.547" Score="7" Body="&lt;h3&gt;You're going to have to accept that she bought the coat and it's here to stay. But you may be able to prevent this happening again!&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the way you've written this question, it sounds like your ideal outcome would be for her to stop wearing the coat around you or trash it entirely. But let's think about this from her perspective: this is something that she had to work hard for--she even went so far as to take out a loan for it! As a young adult, saving up and finally getting something you've wanted is a big deal--she probably finally feels like a real adult!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All of this together makes any criticism of the coat a criticism of her ability to be an adult. Coming from you, her mother, it'd be even more devastating. Now &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; know that's not how you view it or at all what you're trying to say, but that's likely how it'll be taken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As such, I'd give up all hope of trying to get her away from this coat. In fact, I'd actually go the exact opposite way and &lt;strong&gt;praise&lt;/strong&gt; her for her dedication in wanting something and seeing it through to the end. This is an essential quality to being successful in this world!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, I think right now you're reading way too far into things here and jumping to conclusions:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's become apparent is that she did buy this coat more for status than warmth, overlooking any ethical responsibility and that is immensely disappointing for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You've said yourself that you haven't yet talked to your daughter about the coat yet, so how do you know why she bought the coat or that she even realizes the ethical implications of what she's doing?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Already any discussion you try to start with her will go wrong if you go in thinking like this. You've already made her out to be the bad guy! And this feeling of &amp;quot;she's wrong! How could she do this?!&amp;quot; will seep into the discussion no matter how hard you try to mask it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to have a calm discussion without turning into an argument or a yelling match, you're going to have to be prepared to drop any preconceptions you have of the situation and &lt;strong&gt;actually listen&lt;/strong&gt; to what she's saying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you have a discussion with her, &lt;strong&gt;stick to the facts&lt;/strong&gt;. Try to figure out how &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; feels about the coat and whether or not she understands the implications behind it. If she went so far as to take out a loan to buy it, this is clearly something she cares a lot about. Why? Why &lt;strong&gt;this&lt;/strong&gt; coat specifically and not any other expensive coat? How did she choose this one? Why does she love it so much?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let her talk about it and try to really understand how she feels about this coat--it sounds like it's really precious to her!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, once she's done, I'd compliment her on this accomplishment of saving up and earning something she really wanted! Only after complimenting her and making sure she understands that you're proud of her for the way that she persevered for this would I mention that in general, this company might not be good to buy from next time because of the way they treat animals.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make the compliment the main point and the critique an addition at the end. This is a slight modification to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/16189/11811&quot;&gt;the Sandwich Method&lt;/a&gt; that I think will work here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Again, you should be proud of your daughter, she's trying to make things work on her own instead of coming to you asking for money! If all you focus on is how badly she's messed up and what a terrible person she is, you're only asking for a shouting match.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-11-29T20:48:12.117" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20079" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20077" CreationDate="2018-11-29T19:22:33.770" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;This came out to be longer than I'd intended, so, direct answers to the question:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Keep the focus on the decision to buy the coat and her reasons for doing so. &lt;strong&gt;DO NOT&lt;/strong&gt; focus on what you imagine the broader significance of that decision to be, nor your personal judgment of your daughter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ask questions about why she chose as she did, and what she knows about the process of manufacturing the coat. &lt;strong&gt;DO NOT&lt;/strong&gt; lead with your assessments of her quality as a person or her beliefs about treatment of animals.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Do not even suggest that being a part of the family requires that she believe exactly as you do, and deviation from those beliefs automatically indicates that she has chosen to be kicked out.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Determine whether or not voicing your opinion is really all that you want to do, and if so then &lt;strong&gt;don't do more than that.&lt;/strong&gt; Voicing your opinion does not require any response or discussion. If you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; want something other than that, pretending otherwise won't help avoid a dispute, and my advice for how to talk to your daughter would be different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Background and rationale for my answer:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I see four major issues that are likely to turn any conversation into a more heated dispute:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&quot;What bothers me is that this choice of hers is in conflict with what I believed are our family values.&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This framing implies that, if she feels the coat is acceptable (for whatever reason) then she is defined out of the family. It may or may not be what you mean to express, and you may or may not be OK with that implication, but the position that &quot;if you don't recognize that buying that coat makes you a bad person, then you're not really my daughter anymore&quot; isn't one that you can plausibly throw out there without expecting it to cause a dispute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be the case that she really has reconsidered her values and believes differently from you and the rest of your immediate family. But what, exactly, does it mean to you that she might hold that different belief? It might also be the case that she's unaware of whatever factors informed your ethical concerns, and so doesn't realize that she's crossed a boundary you both believe in. Assuming that she has not only intentionally transgressed but also willfully abandoned a key part of being your daughter will only intensify any discussions or conflicts that might arise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. It's not clear to me what you really want here.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know you personally, so this may not be a fair take on your position. But, in my experience, people are rarely satisfied just to express their opinions on topics like this one. Far more common is when someone wants to express their opinion, &lt;em&gt;be acknowledged by the other party as being totally correct&lt;/em&gt;, and &lt;em&gt;have the other party agree in the end&lt;/em&gt; that they are wrong to have done whatever they did. In addition to that being the typical way I've seen scenes like this play out, the tone and focus of your question reinforces my impression that you're looking to do more than express yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could easily mention to your daughter &quot;That's a nice coat, but I think that it's morally wrong to wear animal fur&quot;, and have that be the end of it. It seems to me that you are planning for, if not necessarily expecting, there to be more to the conversation after that. There's nothing wrong with that, but if you do have some other motivation or goal, that would need to be explicitly addressed (and, as mentioned above, I can't guess very well at what other goals you might in fact have).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. This may be clearer for someone actually in your family, but it's not clear to me where the line is on your animal rights position.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You eat meat, so it would seem that you are willing to accept animals being raised and slaughtered for human benefit. You state that you &lt;em&gt;tend to buy&lt;/em&gt; ethically raised meat, which suggests that at least some of the time you do not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your question I believe it likely that you are interested in the conditions in which animals are raised, and the fur industry (generally or in the specific case of Canada Goose, either way) is over the line for you. But it may not be as clear to someone else where you feel that line should be. If you sometimes buy unethically raised meat, why can your daughter not buy a single fur-trimmed coat one time? I would imagine that you can describe your positions more fully than in the question here (that much context would be off-topic here anyhow), but it could easily be the case that your complete ethical position is not/was not clear to your daughter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Her choice of coat is probably not about you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You know your daughter better than I do (which is to say, at all), but I think it's probably not the case that she was intending to send any sort of message to you in choosing the coat. Your feeling that&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[…] by wearing this coat all the time, she is going to great lengths to reject not only the way she was raised, but in essence, me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;completely shifts the discussion away from both being about her decision to buy the coat &lt;em&gt;as well as&lt;/em&gt; the broader issue of animal rights. Your position seems to be that, even more important than the underlying ethical issue, the main problem is your personal offense at her choice to buy the coat. Wearing a winter coat in the winter is not exactly &quot;going to great lengths&quot; to do anything, regardless of how many coats she owns or how much she likes them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could be totally correct, and this was a gesture aimed at you. But if that was not the case, then fundamentally mischaracterizing your daughter's decisions and motivations makes a fight a fair bit more likely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="4188" LastEditDate="2018-11-29T20:04:24.257" LastActivityDate="2018-11-29T20:04:24.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20081" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19996" CreationDate="2018-11-29T20:58:53.800" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Even though I generally agree with other answers (in terms of enforcing the boundary) I think they lack consideration and empathy for the aunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She is hosting an event for ~10 of her family members. This is not low-effort activity and she does it supposedly as an expression of love for her relatives. She is expecting to get love back in form of attendance and gratitude. You are trying to (partially) reject her expression of love without explanation and without supplementing alternative method for you two to exchange familiarity.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Potential for miscommunication&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let's consider following totally fabricated scenario:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Extroverted person hears that you find interaction with them tiring. They try to understand it. They look into their past to search instances of situations when they found an interaction with someone tiring. The only situation they can think of is when they were angry at someone but couldn't express their anger and they got tired from repressing that anger. For example, their boss did something terribly stupid but they had to stay calm and professional around them. Or they remember that one time they had to cooperate/negotiate with someone they really really dislike, and again the tiredness came from excessive self-control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is hard for them to comprehend that you can like somebody, not be angry at them, and be tired from interaction with them at the same time. It does not fit into any mental state they know. Their mind does not even go there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead they follow the logic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You express tiredness from their company -&gt; You are angry at them -&gt; How rude of you to come to their home, eat their food and then express such a sentiment&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or logic:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You express tiredness from their company -&gt; You strongly dislike them as a person -&gt; This cannot be true -&gt; You are in fact not tired from their company and there is something else behind it&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you can imagine, potential for miscommunication is big. For this reason, make sure to always communicate your need as &quot;&lt;em&gt;All&lt;/em&gt; events with more than ## people are tiring for me.&quot; and refrain from the ambiguous &quot;I find this event tiring&quot; or &quot;I find this type of event tiring&quot;. She might misinterpret the latter as personal critique and be less cooperative. Sadly even sudden and unexpected &quot;I am tired&quot; without further explanation in the middle of the event can be interpreted the wrong way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might need to repeat yourself. If it is out of scope of her understanding of how people generally function, she might be skeptical first time she hears it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she is still skeptical you might need to address the misinterpretation directly:&#xA;&quot;You might think AAA. That is not true. The truth is BBB.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have had overall great success with this direct approach when said in sincere and serious tone. People are usually quite surprised when I pull out in the open what they were afraid to say aloud and are willing to listen to my correction. Alternatively they correct me on what they were thinking and it becomes a start for &quot;let's clear things up&quot; discussion.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Ask her for a favor&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Next time she calls or during some other call before next event have a conversation about what you recently learned about yourself (or learned how to put it in words) and your diagnosis. You can formulate it quite similarly to your OP. Framing it as a recent information compared to &quot;I always needed this and you never let me have it&quot; should soften the blow and make her more prone to cooperation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then ask her for a favor to prepare for you some room or place to where you can retreat for ## minutes during the event if you need to. By asking her a favor you are creating alternative way for her to exchange the familiarity with you. People generally like to do favors for others if they don't expect ulterior motives. Don't forget to express your gratitude if she agrees. This way you complete your end of exchange of familiarity. Asking for a favor should also help against misinterpretation of your motives. People generally don't ask for favors from people they don't like or are angry at.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Find an ally&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the aunt is not understanding. The second option would be find a relative who does. You know your family dynamic and know the best who to pick. Ask them to cover for you when you need to rest. To explain your state when you are too tired to do it yourself. Maybe to even tell your aunt to not bother you for a while. When the aunt sees there is at least one person accepting this aspect of you, she might be more likely to accept is as a real thing as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Enforce your needs&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, getting your needs should not depend solely on other people understanding. In case nobody cooperates, consider ideas:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Go for a walk (get out of her house = her exclusive territory)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Lock yourself in the bathroom for half an hour&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Find a way to not be dependent on your relatives to leave&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Don't go until your aunt agrees to grant you the favor of a &quot;rest place&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I myself have used mostly &quot;lock yourself in the bathroom&quot;. It does work as long there is at least one more bathroom for people to use. From an interpersonal view it is only a temporary &quot;emergency&quot; option, because it creates the above stated misinterpretation. My boyfriend believed for some time I did not like some specific event because I did spend significant portion of it in bathroom. I did like the event. There were lots of new people and new interesting stories they told me. It was nice. I needed rest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23040" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-29T21:32:56.660" LastActivityDate="2018-11-29T21:32:56.660" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20083" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20019" CreationDate="2018-11-30T01:48:39.703" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Differentiating fantasy from reality is a basic requirement of being a responsible or mature adult. Unfortunately, plenty of people never grow up. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similarly unfortunate, humans are driven primarily by emotion. The most effective argument you can make, on any subject, is an appeal to emotion. It doesn't need to make sense or be well structured; if you can touch someone on an emotional level they are far more likely to be persuaded to your point of view than through any amount of evidence, data, or apologetic argument. As you seem to be asking how to persuade these network users to embrace your opinion, this is the best advice I can offer. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend appealing to sympathetic tendencies, e.g. analogy or allegory, to make them think about what how their family or loved ones would feel if they were part of that community and were exposed to their behavior. Alternatively, you could try to get them to think about themselves being in that position and focus on the discriminatory aspects that accompany fetishization, or the isolation that many of these people feel.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, I think this is especially difficult due to the simple reality that it is statistically unlikely that these people know any trans people on a personal level, which makes an emotional response more improbable. As a last resort I recommend ceasing to interact with the site community in question if you find it more objectionable morally than you enjoy the material.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23045" LastActivityDate="2018-11-30T01:48:39.703" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20084" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20071" CreationDate="2018-11-30T12:28:14.707" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Security deposits are not the same as first and last month's rent. Typically you provide two months of rent before you move in, and a security deposit on the day you move in. Then you pay each month's rent in advance. So if you moved in Jan 1st, on Feb 1st you'd pay February's rent. If you gave notice to move out at the end of June, on June 1st you wouldn't pay any rent, since you prepaid your last month's rent before moving in. That allows you to provide that money to your new landlord as &quot;first and last&quot; in the new place. On June 30th you get your security deposit back and hand it straight over to the new landlord.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But instead you and your room-mate have some other nonstandard arrangement that, as you can see, can lead to muddles and things not being clear. Plus the money stuff seems to be all tangled up in whose fault it is that the person is moving out and how hard it will be to replace them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My interpersonal advice to you is this: which is more of a hassle: coping with a possibly trashed room (for which you will be responsible) with or without trying to establish that you can keep some or all of the security deposit to cover it, or having this person out of your hair with as little trouble as possible? Will keeping the security deposit reduce the chances that the room will need cleaning? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You room-mate seems to be an adult and not to be spiteful. I don't think holding the money will change his behavior. He shouldn't need it for his next rent, but whether due to miscommunication between the two of you or misplanning on his part, he does. I would return the deposit and hope that you have no need of it to deal with his room afterwards. After all, you have no lease or anything in writing to explain the circumstances under which you could keep the deposit and use it to clean up or repaint, so even if there is a mess there's going to be an argument. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Giving him back the deposit early will cause you some distress and worry. Take advantage of that to drive home the lesson of all this: get stuff in writing, including when deposits are returned and what they are for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-11-30T12:28:14.707" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20085" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-30T12:54:09.083" Score="8" ViewCount="551" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm someone who gets easily physically tired. This means that, on public transportation, I will almost always look for a seat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some days, there are no seats available but I'm so tired that I will sit on the floor (I'm fine with that). However, on those kinds of days, if a have a seat and someone old comes in, I &lt;em&gt;won't&lt;/em&gt; offer my seat, hoping that they don't really need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know some people that need a seat look young and healthy but, for various reason, they won't ask for one. On days that I don't really need my sit, I would be happy to give them one. The problem here is that I don't know that they need one and they won't ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what non-verbal clue can help me determine if someone needs my seat?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-11-30T14:13:39.900" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T04:08:01.257" Title="public transport: how to know (non-verbally) if someone needs a seat?" Tags="&lt;strangers&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;public-transportation&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20087" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20085" CreationDate="2018-11-30T13:48:23.637" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having traveled public transport a lot (In the Netherlands, but also took trains/buses in France during holidays a lot), your best bet may be facial expressions and eye contact/looks. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I've noticed is that people that really want a seat usually try and make eye contact with someone that's already in a seat, and they do so by roving glances throughout the bus/train carriage. They're not likely to focus on just one person but look at each person in turn. This shouldn't be confused with the cursory glance people use when trying to find a seat when boarding, instead, they usually continue their attempt to make eye contact even after the train/bus starts moving again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They might look tired, desperate, or even a bit jealous (though that last one goes for a lot more people that have to stand on a bus/train). Chances are if you make eye contact with such a person and give them a small smile/nod/acknowledgement, they might feel confident enough to ask you if they can have your seat. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I always try to keep an eye out of signs of discomfort, such as shifting weight a lot, or clutching a handle, trouble with standing upright, etcetera. &lt;em&gt;Usually&lt;/em&gt; people that do have trouble with standing on public transport will exhibit some discomfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, though, much of transport etiquette still relies on people &lt;em&gt;offering&lt;/em&gt; seats, instead of people asking for seats, either out loud or by non-verbal communication. There have only been a few incidents among 5/6 years of daily buses/trains that I can remember where people asked me out of the blue if they could have my seat, and where we didn't first make eye contact. There have been a lot more where I offered a seat after making eye contact and realizing this person looked like they could need a seat more than me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, even if there's some signs to look out for, in the end it's more likely you'll end up being the one offering up your seat. The signs I described can hopefully at least help you decide better &lt;em&gt;when&lt;/em&gt; to offer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-11-30T14:11:42.757" LastActivityDate="2018-11-30T14:11:42.757" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20088" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-11-30T14:10:58.683" Score="3" ViewCount="766" Body="&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I have recently moved to London and she wants to get a bicycle. Her reason is more along the lines of personal freedom that you get with a bike. It is (very pointedly) not about the cost savings or environmental benefit. Also, we can't afford a car here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The thing is, I find Londoners seem to all drive very aggressively compared to where we've lived before and I'm quite afraid that she'll end up in an accident. Moreover, the roads are narrow, full of heavy vehicles and bike lanes seems to just disappear and reappear at times. When it rains, the bike lane is almost always underwater near our place too. Every five minutes, there's an emergency vehicle going at a million miles an hour through all of this. It seems like a death wish to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I get that it's her life and her choice in the end but how do I convince her to not do it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23049" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-11-30T15:33:55.000" LastActivityDate="2018-12-02T12:10:39.537" Title="How to convince girlfriend to not cycle to work?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;safety&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ClosedDate="2018-11-30T19:18:28.970" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20089" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20088" CreationDate="2018-11-30T14:25:11.947" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Do not try to convince your girlfriend to not cycle to work.  You likely won't convince her, and you might risk annoying her.  Join her in campaigning for safer infrastructure instead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've always cycled to work and school, and I've cycled in London too.  I found it not all that bad, not as bad as a typical English rural narrow hedgerowed country road at night, for example.  I would hate not being able to cycle to work.  Personally, I would be quite annoyed if someone told me not to cycle to work because of risks, in particular if it was a non-cyclist close to me.  As a cyclist, it is up to me to judge the risks.  I'm an adult, and I know very well when I find the situation too dangerous.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(I also find that it reeks of victim blaming to me to tell me to get off my bike due to a danger caused by non-cyclists — like advising people not to go to the ATM late at night or advising young women not to walk alone on the street in a miniskirt, it's not wrong as such, but I do find it a distraction from tackling the actual problem.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As an alternative, I suggest that you together join campaigns for better and safer cycling infrastructure.  In that case you are bonding with each other, rather than getting into arguments.  Cycling infrastructure has improved a lot in recent years, but it has a long way to go yet before it's ready (in my personal opinion, it's not ready until all parents think their 9 year old child can safely cycle to school — The Netherlands may seem like a cycling walhalla to many cycling activists outside it, there's still plenty of safety campaigning going on there too).  You'll have the tide with you in joining such a campaign.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="40" LastEditorUserId="40" LastEditDate="2018-12-02T12:10:39.537" LastActivityDate="2018-12-02T12:10:39.537" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20091" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20098" CreationDate="2018-11-30T15:54:45.227" Score="5" ViewCount="1360" Body="&lt;p&gt;I enjoy learning languages and in the past few years, have been learning Spanish. A work colleague, who is either new or I have only just noticed him, calls (presumably) his partner during his lunch break in the kitchen area. We're in completely different departments and our paths have never crossed, except during lunch breaks. Even when there are others in the room, he continues his slightly louder-than-normal conversations in Spanish, loudly but not rudely. We have a fair number of bilingual colleagues and a number of visiting clients to our office but to my knowledge, we &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be the only two who speak Spanish (though it is evidently his native language whereas mine is English). Our office is based in the UK.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although I cannot understand everything he says, from what I have overheard, his conversations are often of a very personal nature. They are certainly of the type that many English speakers would find inappropriate to have in an office kitchen full of people, if he was speaking in English. I suspect this is either a cultural difference or he is assuming that nobody can understand him. I suppose it is also possible that he simply doesn't care, but I can't be certain of that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I haven't shared this info with anyone in the office but my concern is if I do nothing, he risks embarrassing himself in front of someone more vocal than me. He would likely recognise me but we don't even know each other's names. If I directly reveal to him that I can speak Spanish, he would be similarly embarrassed, or complain that I didn't inform him sooner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is there a way I can introduce myself and suggest a little discretion to this colleague in such a way that minimises our embarrassment?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user8671" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T15:03:23.957" Title="How can I inform a foreign colleague that the private conversation in their native language is not so?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20093" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20091" CreationDate="2018-11-30T16:54:57.103" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Having not introduced yourself before may give a simple option to display that you know a little Spanish.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;you: Hi, I don't think we've ever been properly introduced, I'm Kozaky&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  other person: Hi, I'm Bob&#xA;  you: Nice, to meet you. Where are you from?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  other person: I'm from Spain, you?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  you: That's cool, I'm from London. I actually know a little Spanish, but haven't had too much practice with it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;alternatively, if they aren't from a Spanish speaking country  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;you: That's cool, I'm from London. I think I've overheard you speaking Spanish, I actually know a little myself but haven't had much practice with it.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Simply stating that you have some understanding of Spanish but avoiding mentioning where you've overheard him speaking it or the context of what you've overheard will allow your co-worker to decide if he wants to conduct his calls a bit more privately in the future for himself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think unless he is self-conscious about the subjects he has been openly discussing before he probably hasn't kept track of who was around when he talked about private things on the phone and won't feel embarrassed. Any embarrassment he may feel in the case he is self-conscious at that moment will continue to fade as long as you keep where you overheard to yourself until he may think he got away with whatever it was he said.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-11-30T16:54:57.103" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20094" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20088" CreationDate="2018-11-30T17:12:21.290" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Close relationship always demands few compromises from both sides. Respect for  one likings and disliking also strengthen these relations. &#xA;You have very valid reason to stop her to use cycle bcos you want to see her safe. You can share no of accidents took place daily due to conjested roads and also explain some side effects during rain while cycling. You can also suggest some economical alternates mode  of traveling. Another convincing approach for her may your careful attitude and make her confident that how much important is  her availability  in your life. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22937" LastActivityDate="2018-11-30T17:12:21.290" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20097" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19918" CreationDate="2018-11-30T21:02:50.143" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;My suggestion is to present the idea to Xander, focusing on the benefits he will receive in going forward with his idea in a three person partnership.  Primarily, less personal time and money investment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;20% of a successfully company is a whole lot more desirable than 1/2 of a company that never makes it off the planning boards, and I think it will probably be easy to make him see how it benefits him to either go in with you and Yann, or license/sell his idea to you so that he can reap at least some benefit if he can't devote any time or effort to the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The one thing that you can't do is go ahead and use the idea without X's buy-in.  That way leads to not only a ruined relationship, but very possibly legal trouble as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15900" LastActivityDate="2018-11-30T21:02:50.143" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20098" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20091" CreationDate="2018-11-30T21:34:23.713" Score="16" Body="&lt;p&gt;I worked in an office where I spoke the foreign language of a couple of employees.  One day I heard them complaining pretty loudly about something.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I just came up and said quietly to them, in that language, 'Be careful.  Others speak that language, too.'&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A little embarrassment ensued, but that got the point across better than anything else that the conversation was not private.  If you know enough to say that and do so smoothly, that would be an effective way (in my experience) to get the point across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-11-30T21:34:23.713" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20099" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20073" CreationDate="2018-11-30T21:49:11.003" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's a lot to interviewing skills that would probably be better suited to The Workplace.  Think of an interview as a conversation.  People find a conversation interesting if they either learn something from it, or add something to it. So it's up to you to ensure that the other party does both.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the Interpersonal skills perspective, there are several things to do:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Listen to what they say, and respond directly to that&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Be brief.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Back up what you say with proof - what situations did you encounter?  What was your response?  What was the result?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Ask questions of the interviewer. The good conversationalist is a person who gets the &lt;em&gt;other guy&lt;/em&gt; talking - not the person who does all the talking.  The person who does all the talking is a boor.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Relate the things you are enthusiastic about with the subject at hand.  Enthusiasm is contagious - so is boredom.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The trick here is to get the interviewer engaged, and they'll feel more engaged if they're putting something into the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastEditorUserId="6001" LastEditDate="2018-11-30T22:41:44.633" LastActivityDate="2018-11-30T22:41:44.633" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20102" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20112" CreationDate="2018-12-01T04:59:41.317" Score="6" ViewCount="557" Body="&lt;p&gt;For a few months, I've been going out to wherever they've called. Spent money on food outside, had drinks with these folks. I have my exams coming up. Every time I get a text saying 'Hey, what's up! Wanna hangout?', I've told them 'I'm studying' or 'I'm handling a group project'. For which I would get the 'rolling eyes' emoji reply. It drives me NUTS when I imagine them roll their eyes to my response of 'I need to study'. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's almost like this cult that absolutely wants to party 24 X 7 and NEVER get serious. They bathe in their common goal of 'Let's mess around because our parents are rich and our lives are taken care of no matter what'. It's not that my parents are dependent on me financially or anything.. It is just that.. They only study when they absolutely need to. (night before exam cram sessions)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want them to stop ringing me up. The expressions of scornful derision I get from them as a GROUP (4 people rolling their eyes both via emojis and when I tell them in person that I can't make it to this particular party) really ruin my day.. How do I let them know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If I don't want to join.. Stop ringing me up or texting me 'Where are you lost?' just because I stopping joining them for their clown-fest.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Get them to accept me for the fact that I can completely stop joining you. I need to be able to tolerate them rolling their eyes. I feel like gouging their eyes out when they do that.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I don't want to be called when I've already made it abundantly clear that I can't join. They don't take my 'I can't join you guys' text seriously at all!&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19236" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-01T16:11:12.247" LastActivityDate="2018-12-02T17:24:35.983" Title="How do I get my friends to understand that I won't be social ALL the time and tolerate their scoff when I say 'I'm studying'" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;personal-space&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20103" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20085" CreationDate="2018-12-01T07:00:21.213" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;As best as I can tell, it sounds to me as though your overall goal is to give up your seat if a person truly needs it but keep your seat if they do not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who catches Australian public transport every weekday I would argue that &lt;strong&gt;only&lt;/strong&gt; looking for non-verbal indications is far too variable, and it is impractical to think you can truly understand exactly how much each person around you needs a seat. Instead I think the most effective (but still far from perfect) method of achieving your goal is yes, to first look for non-verbal indications as to how badly they need the seat &lt;strong&gt;but then&lt;/strong&gt; to offer your seat in a way that encourages only someone who needs the seat to accept.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In terms of non-verbal indications I do not have too much more to add to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/20085/public-transport-how-to-know-non-verbally-if-someone-needs-a-seat#answer-20087&quot;&gt;Tinkerinbell's insightful answer&lt;/a&gt; other than that most of those indicators are very subtle and that its important not to forget about the more obvious symptoms (age, weight, if they look too pale, too hot... etc). Also, eye contact with a quick smile/nod is a good start but I think most of the time it may not be enough to communicate to them exactly what you mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once you have a suspicion that maybe this person needs a seat, to offer your seat in a way that encourages them if they need it and discourages if they don't; what I have found works is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Remain firmly seated, make eye contact, smile and say&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Excuse me, do you need to sit down?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This approach is very clearly prompting for one of two responses. 1. &lt;em&gt;&quot;Yes I do need to sit down, thankyou!&quot;&lt;/em&gt; 2. &lt;em&gt;&quot;No that's alright&quot;&lt;/em&gt;. Sure, there is a small chance some slimeball will pretend they need the seat when they don't but I don't really see a way to avoid that. With this you have politely communicated your intentions, that you are willing to offer them the seat &lt;strong&gt;if they need it&lt;/strong&gt;. Most reasonable people who want a seat but don't need it should politely refuse and in my experience that is exactly what they do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In the end, I think while being clued into the signs that someone might need a seat can help, medical needs are tricky and the most effective way to get it right is to put the ball in their own court. They should know best if they need the seat or not, you just need to prompt them to tell you without unconditionally offering your seat at the same time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8076" LastEditorUserId="8076" LastEditDate="2018-12-05T04:08:01.257" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T04:08:01.257" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20108" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20109" CreationDate="2018-12-01T22:36:21.247" Score="6" ViewCount="660" Body="&lt;p&gt;My mother is a very busy person, which leads to her becoming stressed out and tired. Unfortunately, the way she deals with it is by lashing out at me and my siblings in unfair ways. For example, she will call us &quot;pigs&quot; or tells us we are useless good-for-nothings if we haven't tidied the lounge floor or kitchen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want to tell her what she is like when she is tired and that she needs to find another way to calm down that doesn't involve hurting the feelings of me and my siblings, but the last few times I tried she replied with pessimistic, short answers that reiterated the fact she felt the family was lazy. (For the record, I do the dishes and tidy the kitchen almost every day, and my siblings tidy the lounge.) &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To make her really think about how she is making the rest of us feel with her anger, but &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; guilt tripping her, which will only make her feel worse (a reason she is lashing out so much).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We really do want to help with chores, but there is no point if she is always angry towards us, insults us, and nitpicks over everything we haven't done the exact same as she would have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user18495" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T13:28:49.850" Title="How to tell my mother the way she acts when upset or tired is unacceptable" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;parents&gt;&lt;anger&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20109" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20108" CreationDate="2018-12-02T08:30:44.897" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;You cannot confront her the moment she lashes out, because then she's allready too exhausted to think about her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Inasead, talk to her in a calm moment like after a meal or when you are relaxing in the evening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When talking to her, you must give her the following information in this order:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What she does (how exactly she talks to you when she's stressed).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;How it makes you feel and how she hurts your feelings. Tell her that you'd gladly do the chores but her way of insulting you makes you not do it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What she should do instead or how she should talk to you instead.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Step 1&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The first step is to open the conversation and point out what exactly you're talking about. You both have to &quot;be on the same wavelength&quot; so you both talk about the same thing and understand the context. You can even think about recording her interactions with you and listen to the playback. This will probably make her understand exactly what you tell her next (how you feel about it).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could also make her defensive or stressed. If that happens, she cannot think about her behavior and understand you. You must avoid blaming or attacking her in order to make her understand you. Make it about your feelings, less about her behavior.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Step 2&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The &quot;I feel&quot; approach does exactly that: You tell her how &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; perceive her actions and are affected by them. By doing that, you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't attack or blame her (&quot;you always insult me&quot;) but focus on you (&quot;you hurt my feelings when you call me a pig&quot;).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;don't give her a chance to deny her behavior or accuse you of lying (&quot;you always insult me&quot; - &quot;no, I don't&quot;)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;make it personal. It's not any stranger who's feeling bad, but her own child. People remember emotional experiences better than neutral experiences, so the chances of her remembering your conversation are higher.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;make her realize the consequences of her actions. She probably never thinks about how her words make you feel, because when she speaks them, she is too exhausted to feel empathy with you. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You give her the chance to reflect on her behavior and how it makes you feel without the need to defend against your words. As long as you stick to telling her &lt;strong&gt;how you feel&lt;/strong&gt;, she cannot deny that you tell the truth. She cannot dismiss the conversation as a misunderstanding or overreaction to something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Step 3&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last point is important. It's not enough to tell her &quot;don't do this&quot;. You should offer an alternative &quot;do that instead&quot;. Tell her it's OK to be stressed and say so, but instead of insulting you, she could swear or punch a punching bag or something completely different. It's OK to &quot;let off some steam&quot;, but instead of insulting you, she should do it in a different way. You can discuss this with her and find a solution together. This has the added benefit that she is more likely to accept a solution she proposed herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason why this is important is that she won't change her behavior over night. The next time she's exhausted, she'll forget your conversation and insult you again. In that moment, you can tell her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please don't speak to me like that, do (alternative behavior) instead, like we agreed on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-12-03T13:28:49.850" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T13:28:49.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20110" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20111" CreationDate="2018-12-02T12:05:28.067" Score="4" ViewCount="1160" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Backstory&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm going through a difficult separation from my alcohol-abusing abusive wife and I've got custody of the children.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Through the Q&amp;amp;A forum I met a woman who is in a similar situation, but a year in advance from where I am. She has faced similar issues and problems with her ex and children, who are a couple of years older than mine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We strayed into emotional affairs territory. It started with me telling her I liked her a lot and if I could think of anything flirty then I'd like to flirt with her. She came back with carrying on with what you're doing and when I'm ready for a relationship this is the right thing for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The following day the first message, I got from her was saying she'd like to back off. I agreed with that because we both have too much baggage at this moment in time: I'm dealing with a nasty separation and have two pre-teens who need loads of emotional support and who are pretty much my focus.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But I don't want to lose the friendship advice and sounding board and general nice chit-chatting because we have an awfully lot in common outside of our general common situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to keep the chat going just the way it has been, and for that I guess I should ask her to define her boundaries so that I can respect them. How can I ask her to continue our friendship after we accidentally took it to a romantic level?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23067" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-02T22:23:10.610" LastActivityDate="2018-12-02T22:23:10.610" Title="How can I ask to continue a friendship after we accidentally took it to a romantic level?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;boundaries&gt;&lt;friendship&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20111" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20110" CreationDate="2018-12-02T12:41:05.967" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Divorcing is a difficult step in life, and it's even harder when the partner has addiction issues. You both went to difficult breakups, and you want to remain available for your young children. Fortunately you'll be able to conciliate romance and parenthood later on, but as you feel you're not ready for it now, I think you should address the topic with her, should the conversation become awkward between you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Keeping on with the friendship&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You tried to take your relationship to the next level, and then felt you're not ready for it. It happens. It doesn't necessarily mean that you won't try again later. For now, I'd suggest you see how the discussion goes. If it goes back to the relaxed chatting habits you had before, then you got what you wanted and nothing more is needed.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;However, should you feel that the situation has become a bit awkward, that things changed between the two of you and that the discussion is different from before and it feels uncomfortable, then I suggest you try to address the issue with her, using the &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;nonviolent communication&lt;/a&gt; tenets.&#xA;It could go like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Anna, there's something I'd like to talk to you about. Since we discussed the eventuality of going further, I feel like things seem a bit awkward between us, a bit uncomfortable. I'd be glad that our relationship goes back to the way it was before, as your friendship is important to me, and I'd not want to lose that. If I can do anything to make the situation more comfortable, please let me know, I'd be happy to do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key is to &lt;strong&gt;express your feelings without sounding accusatory&lt;/strong&gt;. Doubting of the possibility of taking a friendship to the next level happens, and it doesn't necessarily means that it's someone's fault. With saying this, you express your will to remain friends and that you won't try something she doesn't want to do. Now, maybe she won't be able to go back to how it was before, and again, it's nobody's fault. But expressing your feelings and wants without sounding accusatory, to me, seems to be the best way to defuse the situation, plus it's likely that she appreciates your honesty and thoughtfulness. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-12-02T12:41:05.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20112" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20102" CreationDate="2018-12-02T17:24:35.983" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would suggest the direct approach, make a simple and polite request.  &quot;Please don't give me the eye rolls.  You know I love to hang out with you, but I really need to study and I feel like you guys are scoffing at me for it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might prove helpful to throw in some flattery as an explanation, &quot;I'm just not as smart as you guys; I can't get away with cramming the night before.  If I don't put in the time, I'll get an F.&quot;  (Of course, if you're truly brilliant, don't use this one- it could just earn you more eye-rolls.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason I suggest this approach is that it will change the point of view of your friends:  rather than looking at you as &quot;a friend that does not want to hang out&quot;, they look at you as &quot;a friend with a request&quot;.  Keep in mind: everybody likes to help their friends, but nobody wants to be blown off by their friends&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17674" LastActivityDate="2018-12-02T17:24:35.983" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20113" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20447" CreationDate="2018-12-02T18:52:47.370" Score="4" ViewCount="933" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am working in a university coding project of 8 people.&#xA;We're working on gitlab and every time someone does a merge request, at least 3 people need to look over the code and upvote the request, if everything seems okay. If at least 2 people upvoted, the third will merge the branch with our main branch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But whenever I see some mistakes, I don't know how to address my colleagues. I can text them privately or point it out in our group chat.&#xA;But if I point it out in group chat, it seems like I am picky, but if I just text them privately, I fear that I would withhold information from everyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Usually we communicate over a group chat on slack. We don't use the comments section on gitlab.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So my question is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I point out a bug/error to my colleague without being the &quot;bad guy&quot;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21775" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-12-28T22:18:20.737" LastActivityDate="2019-01-03T18:20:42.587" Title="How can I point out errors to a teammate in a group project without being the &quot;bad guy&quot;?" Tags="&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;online-interaction&gt;&lt;groups&gt;" AnswerCount="4" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20114" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20122" CreationDate="2018-12-03T05:44:01.943" Score="4" ViewCount="569" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am living for 2 months now in a pension and will probably stay there for 3~4 more months. The host provides WLAN. Sadly the WLAN is blocking some websites and a vast amount of ports required for VOIP, gaming, and gaming platforms (i.e. playsstation network, steam, blizzard and so on).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I payed my lease for December, my host asked me if everything is fine. I said it is, and incidental asked if I am right in my assumption that the blocking of websites and services is intended. They responded that this can't be and the trouble must come from lacking signal strength. I said, I am quite sure that isn't the case, as the behavior of the services doesn't fit with what it would be for a bad connection. They promised me, they will check if they can figure out anything. Since then even more pages (some I was earlier able to access) got blocked now&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem here is, I think my hosts don't seem to be technically very skilled. So I am quite sure, they either used some default setup for the WLAN not knowing that it will lead to a lot of services being blocked or they actually miss configured their router. It also could have been that they flat out lied to me, to avoid a conflict, but lets ignore that option here, since in that case I would fight a not winnable battle anyways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I approach them about this? The problem I see is, just going to them and telling them they are wrong and probably just unconsciously configured something wrong when they set up the WLAN, will most likely not do me any favor. If someone would approach me this way, I would get defensive, maybe even miffed, and most likely I wouldn't investigate if I indeed might have done something wrong. Especially not if that would require me to do some research to increase my knowledge on that matter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So how can I approach them so that it is most likely, either them researching them self how to set up such a device correctly, or letting me physically access their private devices and checking the configuration under their supervision&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt;?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; This didn't necessarily happen after my request, as it is like 2 ~ 3 weeks ago I last accessed the now as well blocked website.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt; The latter is just an option if there is no real way I could archive the former. Since I expect neither they would really want me to enter their home and &lt;em&gt;play around&lt;/em&gt; on their private device, for something just being in MY interest, nor would I really feel comfortable with that, since they will probably blame me, if in the future ever anything with devices involved would cause trouble.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:27:04.787" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T19:27:04.787" Title="How to ask a host to fix something, they consider due to their lacking knowledge, not flawed?" Tags="&lt;germany&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20115" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20113" CreationDate="2018-12-03T07:55:06.773" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;The process of pull requests is meant for reviewing code and ensuring the master branch keeps functioning as expected. Buggy code shouldn't be merged, so it needs to be pointed out one way or the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You say you do not use the comment section that is provided by Gitlab. This is kind of weird. This makes it harder to comment about specific lines of code. Anyways, just use the accepted public channel. Make sure that all reviewers are aware of the bug so that it cannot be accidentally merged.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Priorities&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You do need to figure out as a group how deep the reviews go. Is it to stamp out bugs, or do you also want to comment on formatting, style, patterns and so forth. It is important that you are on one line as a group. You don't want to be the only one commenting on all the style issues you might find, if the rest doesn't care about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Wording of feedback&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to make sure to direct the feedback to the code, not the writer. &quot;This code does this&quot;, &quot;this line has a bug&quot;, instead of &quot;you made an error here&quot;. This might prevent being seen as the &quot;bad guy&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2262" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T07:55:06.773" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20118" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20113" CreationDate="2018-12-03T09:41:38.397" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a university project which should prepare you for “real life”. In real life, you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; use “comments”. You don’t do a majority decision, there is one or more reviewers and all must agree. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you don’t want to accept a change, you add a comment saying why it is not acceptable. That’s it. The person reads the comment, changes the code, and puts it for review again, and everyone is happy. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only “interpersonal” thing is that if you don’t accept code because of something that is your personal opinion, or because you are a jobsworth who delays progress and doesn’t actually improve the work, that doesn’t go down well and I’ve seen these things not ending up well for anyone involved. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And of course if you have a participant who feels attacked by this, then it’s that persons problem. Not just in your project, but long term in their professional life. If you get complaints when you failed a review &lt;em&gt;for legitimate reasons&lt;/em&gt; then you can discuss that aspect with them carefully. In that case, ask another question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Summary: Don’t worry. Code review isn’t supposed to be personal. If it becomes personal despite your efforts, that’s another question. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T09:41:38.397" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20119" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-03T12:05:52.487" Score="-2" ViewCount="267" Body="&lt;p&gt;We few people had a debate on a topic and we were putting our opinions/views but 1 person whose basics are even not clear without any figures trying to prove his words among us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can we approach such persons with correct fact and figures without sounding offensive ?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23004" LastEditorUserId="23004" LastEditDate="2018-12-03T19:03:46.513" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T19:03:46.513" Title="Suggestions for &quot;how to approach a person who try to debate without facts and figures.?&quot;" Tags="&lt;difficult-people&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ClosedDate="2018-12-03T20:58:12.103" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20120" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20119" CreationDate="2018-12-03T12:48:11.387" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Both the simplest and hardest answer to your question: Try to prove them &lt;strong&gt;right&lt;/strong&gt; first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is probably best explained by giving a concrete example. Let's assume you're debating about what color a trafic light should have. You guys are convinced it should be red/yellow/green right? Since those colors are legaly enforced. But then there's this one guy that just really wants it to be red/yellow/&lt;strong&gt;blue&lt;/strong&gt; instead because it's easier to see.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's impossible to convince him about green being the only correct answer &quot;because the  law says so&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead let's first actually try to understand his point of view. Why does he think blue is easier to differenciate than green? By first actally trying to understand why he thinks so we discover he's colorblind and has trouble with green/red.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Hey, this is actually a really valid reason to make it blue! If only the law allowed for it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It makes a huge difference to respond to him with &quot;you're wrong, it HAS to be green&quot; and &quot;I agree with you that blue would be a good way, but it's not legal so we can't do that&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The end result might be something like &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.japantimes.co.jp/life/2013/02/25/language/the-japanese-traffic-light-blues-stop-on-red-go-on-what/#.XAUeKmhKiUk&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;these japanese trafic lights&lt;/a&gt; which are the blue-est possible color that is still &lt;em&gt;officially&lt;/em&gt; green.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By first trying to prove them right you force yourself to actually listen and understand their point of view. At least in this step it will prevent them from going defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The next step is asking them (nicely!) to do the same for your point of view. Have them try to see the possitive parts of your side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only when you find out where your standpoints actually differ you can start finding a solution. Or - depending on the reason for the debate - you can agree on having different opinions and leave it at that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A final thing to really think about: What makes you so sure the 5 of you were really right in the first place?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;(Rhetorical question, please don't try to answer this in a comment.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T12:48:11.387" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20121" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20091" CreationDate="2018-12-03T15:03:23.957" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another useful option would be to say &quot;hi I am learning Spanish and couldn't help overhearing you in the kitchen, I would love a native speaker to practice with, would you mind?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You let them know you understand a little spanish, and hopefully get some conversation practice as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11738" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T15:03:23.957" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20122" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20114" CreationDate="2018-12-03T16:40:21.937" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best approach is to clearly demonstrate to them the problem you are having.  If it is a website that you believe it is blocked, take your laptop to them or ask them to come over to your place and attempt to connect to the website and show them that the website is blocked.  Obviously, whatever message that appears has to unambiguously be a result of the router mis-configuration and not something that can be attributed to your own computer.  Alternately, you can ask them to connect to the specific website on their computer and if it is blocked as you believe, they should see the blocked message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only after they are clearly aware of and accept that there is a problem will they be receptive to either investigating on their own how to fix it or accepting your help in fixing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22700" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T16:40:21.937" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20123" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-03T16:51:15.653" Score="0" ViewCount="664" Body="&lt;p&gt;In our work place there are around 1100 employees. Majority of them collectively gather in factory canteen during break and take their lunch.This canteen  consists of  a  big hall with hundreds of chairs and tables are available with all required crockery.  When all personnel are seated they are served with lunch. All the available personnel are educated and having years of experience.  Unfortunately, I have seen following rude behavior which are sources of embarrassment for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;People talk too loudly generating a lot of noise during lunch.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They do not take attention of cleanliness. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They drags chairs causing unnecessary noise. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Few of them even shout at the waiters.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Being a junior manager and in charge of canteen I have tried to educate people to stop these rude behaviors. But despite displaying clear instructions on notice board I cannot succeed.  I request please advice me what steps I should take to stop these rude behaviors.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22937" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:20:25.867" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T19:20:25.867" Title="Rude behavior in canteen" Tags="&lt;etiquette&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;assertiveness&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;&lt;responsibility&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20124" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-03T18:18:59.150" Score="3" ViewCount="356" Body="&lt;p&gt;I live in the US and my wife and I share a house with my in-laws (and young daughter). We bought the house just over a year ago and myself, my wife and my in-laws are all co-owners. My wife and her parents are Korean and they have a custom of living with parents/extended family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway, I have been finding that my in-laws have a tendency to make changes to the house or significant purchases, without consulting with me. For example, there was an incident where my father-in-law tried to do some 'repairs' on the brick front steps to the house (which in my opinion made things worse, as he's not a professional stonemason). Then, the other day, without discussing with me, they went and bought half of the furniture in someone's moving-out sale, most of which, in my opinion, is low-quality 'junk' that we don't really need (they have a habit of hoarding all sorts of things, in general).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not so much about the money, but the fact that they are doing these things unilaterally, without involving me. I have tried explaining to them that, as a co-owner of the property and given I am bringing home half of the money to support the family, I feel like I should have the right to be included and involved in decisions about the house. However, it seems to keep on happening and they are clearly not getting the message.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, what can I do to get the message home and convince them that they need to involve me in these decisions?  There is a language barrier involved, as my in-laws don't speak good English - their first-language is Korean. So, most of my communication with them goes through my wife (as I don't speak Korean). I have discussed it with my wife several times and once or twice in 'round-circles' with them, but the impression I get is that they give my concerns lip-service - &quot;yeah, sure, we understand, whatever ..&quot;, but nothing actually changes, or they forget two weeks later. My wife often seems to take their side (so it's 3-on-1) and says its partly because these things need doing and there isn't time to consult me first. However, I don't buy that, as most of these things are not in any way urgent.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I should probably also mention there have been a couple of times where I lost my temper over these sorts of things and either yelled at them or threw something across the room. I know it's not helpful, but it's starting to really get to me - it's simply not acceptable to me to be regularly 'sidelined' in this manner. Normally, we get on fine on a day-to-day basis, but these sorts of incidents happen every 2-3 months and anyone can be pushed too far (right?).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am considering that perhaps I should make some 'frivolous' purchases of my own (new plasma TV or guitar perhaps?), to give them a taste of their own medicine and send a message that, if they think they can do whatever they want without consulting me, then that can work two ways. Perhaps that would help them to see things from my point-of-view and be more mindful to include me in these decisions in future?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23074" LastEditorUserId="23074" LastEditDate="2018-12-03T21:07:41.063" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T05:24:55.947" Title="How to convince co-home-owners to consult me on significant changes/purchases?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;in-laws&gt;&lt;korea&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20125" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20123" CreationDate="2018-12-03T19:22:08.403" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A person is smart, people are dumb.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If more than 50 people are sitting somewhere without work, they will engage in causal chit-chat. There will be noise, laughter and some people will be talking loud enough that everyone can hear them. All this is part of being a human. It is good to be engaging in conversation with others, instead of getting glued to the phones.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You also need to acknowledge that lunch is the free time of the workforce of your factory. People want to unwind, relax and have fun at that time so that they can get back to serious work for the remainder of the day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Besides the above, your other concerns are valid. Let's address them one by one:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cleanliness&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Since the meal is served to people, with them sitting and all tableware available at the table, there is no need for them to get up and grab something. This way, it is expected that the tables will be cleaned afterwards. This is true for all restaurants. For example, at McDonald's, it is expected that you will pick up your food and dispose off the trash. However, at a fancy place, you don't have to do that. The setup at your factory appears to be the later. If it is expected that people clean up after their meals, you need to:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a. have signs placed on each table to clean up.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;b. have several trash cans nearby so that people can throw the garbage in those &#xA;and don't have to walk around carrying their things to throw.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Dragging Chairs&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You can add some signs suggesting taking of the things at the canteen. You can advise the person in private in a polite manner verbally not to do that.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Shouting at waiters&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;This is one of the bitter truths of life. No amount of education, advice, summons can improve this behavior unless people themselves want to improve that. One will only be nice to serving people if they realize that they also humans, same as them but only at a different level of wealth distribution.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7583" LastEditorUserId="7583" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T12:28:37.123" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T12:28:37.123" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20126" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-03T19:28:26.670" Score="5" ViewCount="473" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been playing badminton doubles in a club for 2 years. I always play a good game and give a tough time to the players who were playing against me. In total we are 15 players in the club. We all are good players.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now my neighbor has started coming to the club. I am 19 years old and he is 27 years old. He is a beginner and always willing to be my partner in games. He doesn't play a good game, I lose games due to him and disqualified for the next game. Many times I've asked him to improve his game, but he doesn't give much effort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I ask him in a polite way to first work on improving his game and play with other beginners?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22784" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T20:36:11.710" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T20:36:11.710" Title="How to ask my neighbor who joined my sport club to play with other beginners?" Tags="&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;neighbors&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20127" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20027" CreationDate="2018-12-03T22:30:43.770" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;It looks like no one has suggested this yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do a similar thing. Instead of doing the chasing and putting in the most effort, ignore her and let her do the chasing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she doesn't increase her effort (of trying to get a response from you when you ignore her) and texts decrease instead of increase, then you get closure from this and will more easily be able to move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20908" LastActivityDate="2018-12-03T22:30:43.770" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20128" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20126" CreationDate="2018-12-04T00:49:20.017" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;In any group I'm in, I try to note a couple of things.  First of all is people's reason for being in the group. It sounds like, for you, competition is an important part of the group and you want to win to play the next game.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For him, it could be one of two things.  It could be a desire to improve his game, hence his siding with more advanced players to learn from them.  Or it could be social, hence his picking you to play alongside of - if you're one of few people he knows there.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Once I understand the motivation of the individual involved, then I can work on that.  If it's social then I can introduce him/her around to others with a similar goal.  If it's to improve his game, then I'd have to make 2 decisions: am I willing to teach this individual and lose some games, or do I take the risk of messing up a friendship and pairing him off with someone else?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;WRT your question of pairing him off: I'd want to find what he wants and meet that need.  You're meeting a need of his somehow, and just telling him &quot;improve your game&quot; without saying how or cutting him out socially will not be seen as a friendly move. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6001" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T00:49:20.017" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20129" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20123" CreationDate="2018-12-04T05:09:00.553" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Putting signs or giving written advice often is ignored or people have no idea when the advice really applies. They think it's not made for them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It would be better to have peer guests tell their colleagues to quiet down, to pick up their trash or to have a waiter nicely explain it's not nice to shout at them. Doing this right when the situation arises and to a particular person has more effect than giving general rules to all of them.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;The direct approach shows to them they are addressed right now and the advice is not just some theoretical thing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course you need some time to make this work and you need to find people who feel disturbed by this behavior and who are subtle enough to address the problem in a positive way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="13264" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T05:09:00.553" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20130" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20124" CreationDate="2018-12-04T05:19:07.577" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think there is 2 points to address.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Come with solutions, not problems&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This first point is very general. Instead of confronting them and showing what they did wrong (repairing without consulting you), which they seems to not care at all, try to come up with ideas to get involved :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Messenger / WhatsApp / Discord / whatever chat group ONLY for house care. Of course you have to initiate this group and the chat on this. You can share future idea / plan on this chatroom, as well as picture of things you would like to buy for the house, for example.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Next time they plan to go to a moving-out sale, propose to come with them.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Invite them to go together to a moving-out sale (?)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course these might not work, as they can react the exact same way as they did first : &quot;Yes we will do it&quot; and never actually do anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The point here is that if you come with problems, it's much easier for them to defend themselves with arguments like &quot;no time to consult you&quot;. If you come with solutions, it will be harder for them to justify their actions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reacting with anger is also not the good path to take. Just leave the conversation if you feel too much anger, and come back later and everyone feels better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Culture difference&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have personal experience with koreans (I live in Korea, but not korean). And I think here there is a huge culture clash.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Koreans have a very, very, &lt;strong&gt;very&lt;/strong&gt; strong hierarchical system, based on the age. Elders in Korea are respected like gods, and some of them are abusing it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Anyway the point is that if your parents-in-law wants to do something for the house, even if you are the same % of owning the house with them, being a generation younger than them rank you lower than them in the korean view. Therefore, your opinion is secondary, and less important. You might think the 'rank-difference' is not that much, but it's actually huge, more than you think.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You have to acknowledge this cultural difference. You have to work with it. You can bring the matter to your in-laws, make them understand that in your culture things are working differently, but don't expect them to change.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall I think that passive-aggressive method (buying stuff to make them annoyed) is not the good approach. Same with the anger one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also don't think you can solve the matter with a frank discussion, since there is a cultural difference. I don't even mention the language barrier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your best bet is your wife : she is the one that can make a change in the behavior of your in-law, if she's enough assertive. Talk to her, make her understand your discomfort with this situation. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As long as she goes 3v1, you stand no chance, your in-laws will not change their behavior. But if your wife join the battle with you, it might be game changer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17897" LastEditorUserId="17897" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T05:24:55.947" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T05:24:55.947" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20131" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-04T05:56:10.770" Score="8" ViewCount="320" Body="&lt;p&gt;My 2 close friends borrowed a handsome amount from me without mentioning any deadline and that time I've had enough so I gave the amount, it's been 5 months when I gave the amount but now I need my money back but they both don't talk about the borrowed amount. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am feeling very uncomfortable to initiate this talk from my side but now I need my amount back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I don't want to sound like selfish that I want my money back without taking care of their financial conditions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How should I go for this?&#xA;Should I indirectly make them know that I need my money back? Or I should directly ask them to return? Or any other way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23004" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T09:09:29.837" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T09:09:29.837" Title="How can I ask for money return from friends without sounding selfish?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-12-04T16:10:41.513" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20133" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20131" CreationDate="2018-12-04T08:33:08.010" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;There's no shame in asking for your money back especially when you've been the good friend and lent them money.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should be direct but also friendly. People are more likely respond positively if asked nicely. However make sure both parties leave this conversation with the same understanding of when the money should be paid back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, remember that X dollars/euros/... you borrowed 5 months ago? I'd&#xA;  really appreciate it if you could pay me back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they tell you they can't pay you back because they don't have any money then ask them them if you could set up a payment plan.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well could we set up a payment plan? X [currency] per month? Whatever amount you can &#xA;  afford is fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By this point if they're good enough friends or respectful enough they would've accepted some sort of a deal to pay you back.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they refuse, well then they're clearly not your friends and I'd consider the money lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid sounding selfish make sure you listen to the possible problems they might have and be understanding and lenient about their own difficulties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21196" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T08:33:08.010" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20134" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20138" CreationDate="2018-12-04T08:47:59.017" Score="1" ViewCount="309" Body="&lt;p&gt;So, this morning when I got to work, I found my two superiors (a project manager and a manager) arguing about some models. I did not see the beginning of the dispute so I can not say what exactly it was. The problem is that after this dispute, I was really uncomfortable. I did not know how to react to relieve tension or even talk about projects in progress.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not the first time that it happened. During my 2 years in this company, it has happened 4 or 5 times. I have a professional and friendly relationship with both, and we are in an open space. From what I see, they don't have a friendly relationship, they only talk about work even if they face each other every day.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say or do to appease the tension, and get rid of this awkwardness when it happens (and it will happen)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10335" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T20:39:10.260" Title="How to manage the tension caused by conflicts between two of my superiors?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20135" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-04T10:32:24.250" Score="8" ViewCount="1540" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 23-year-old woman who was hired 2 weeks ago.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a Q&amp;amp;A engineer, I have to ask developers to change the way they are coding in order to improve the code's quality, maintainability, and testability. People do not like being asked to change their code, and I am afraid they will resent me for doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I make such a request while minimizing the risk of being seen as an annoying and nitpicking person?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Background about the company&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The company didn't have any Q&amp;amp;A before.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The company is about ~30 people with ~15 of them being developers.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The employees are all mostly young (I'm terrible at guessing age but they have small children)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I haven't seen the delivered code yet and will use SonarQube to make sure that the code fulfills the minimum quality criteria. However, I have already had to ask them to add &amp;quot;id&amp;quot; for all the button and field HTML elements (I needed it to automatize User Interface test).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I'm doing now&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have only had one request for now. I went to one of the developers and turned my request into a question because I have noticed that people seem more accepting when they are asked this way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I asked:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am not able to find the id attribute for this element. Is there any?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The dev looked for it, said it was missing and that it was a mistake. But they seemed annoyed by the idea of needing to fix it and started explaining to me that I don't really need it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, I kind of panicked and agreed that I will try to do without it &lt;em&gt;for now&lt;/em&gt;. However, since then I have had to ask for this twice (because I realized the issue was more important that I first thought it was). The developer looked kind of annoyed at me each time I had gone to ask him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Note and clarifications&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I could do without the id by using a more fancy selector. However, this &lt;a href=&quot;https://sqa.stackexchange.com/q/37253/36046&quot;&gt;will reduce greatly the maintainability and readability&lt;/a&gt; of the tests which I don't want to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;The dev asked me why I needed the id and I explained it to them (but it's possible that I have done so poorly).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-02-03T08:33:43.703" Title="How to not be &quot;this annoying nitpicking Quality Engineer&quot;?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;france&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20137" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20135" CreationDate="2018-12-04T11:01:04.640" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Note: I'm a 25-year veteran of software development as an engineer and tech lead.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A good QA engineer is worth their weight in gold to a dev team, and part of their job is to be nit-picky - but on specific things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There should be an expected outcome for a delivered piece of functionality - in this case, the interface is a UI. A QA engineer should know the expected outcome, and check the delivered functionality against the expectations. If there are any differences, you document them in whatever fashion is agreed (bug report tool etc) and provide as much detail as possible - at minimum, the expected result, the actual result and the steps to reproduce the actual result.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sonarcube etc checks code quality, which in my view isn't part of the QA engineer's responsibility - the senior devs or tech lead should be picking up on this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking for IDs on buttons and fields to allow automation is an entirely reasonable request, and if the devs are reluctant maybe it's because they don't realise the benefits of the automated testing? You could explain to them - maybe a quick presentation, with working examples, would be good - good devs will realise quickly that anything that checks for bugs early in the process will ultimately make their lives easier.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Focus on the things you're tasked with - software accuracy, conformity to the requirements, automation of the testing. Deliver this and people will see your worth to the process.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17330" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T11:01:04.640" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20138" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20134" CreationDate="2018-12-04T11:02:04.320" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in the same situation years ago. You walk through the open-space to go to your desk, and either a door is open or people are arguing (but think there's nobody else around). So, it's a &quot;&lt;em&gt;private professional&lt;/em&gt;&quot; dispute. Conflicts like that happen all the time. It doesn't mean these people have an attitude or that the company is bad, it just means, from what I've witnessed, that, sometimes, &lt;em&gt;1 temper + 1 temper = 1 tempest&lt;/em&gt; :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What can I say or do to appease the tension?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Nothing. Don't bother adding fuel to the fire. It will only make things worse.&#xA;Walk your way, don't interrupt them. Ignore them (at the time). Don't even say &quot;Hi&quot;. You'll salute them later, when they've both cooled down. Act as if nothing happened, because it's none of your business, you're not involved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Be professional, go to work, let them sort this out by themselves. Go back to them only when needed, for any question related to &lt;em&gt;your&lt;/em&gt; work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How do I get rid of this awkwardness when it happens?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Mind your own business, don't stop by. And, more important, never mention this to them. They know it happened, no need to remind them. They'll probably be grateful for being silent and discreet. My colleagues were. And when one was coming back to me with some kind of explanation (&quot;&lt;em&gt;yeah, about what you heard... bla bla bla...&lt;/em&gt;&quot;), I always ended with a neutral:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;about what? heard nothing! and I guess I don't need to, you know :) (then change topic)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;well, it's a private dispute, nothing I should worry about, it's between you and them. No big deal.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What else? and go on...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Modify some parameters and think about it this way: you know two people, and see/hear them arguing in the street. Would you go straight to them and act as a referee, interfer without any knowledge about the situation/argument, or would you just walk your way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T11:08:31.160" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T11:08:31.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20139" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20135" CreationDate="2018-12-04T11:07:04.430" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;background: I'm a young software developer&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Explain to them &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; they need to change the way they code. I assume there are good reasons for why you ask them to do so. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Code quality, manitainability, and testability&quot; are terms that sound like insults to the devs (i.e. &quot;your code has poor quality&quot;). These terms are too general and are usually not received well. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, explain &lt;em&gt;in full detail&lt;/em&gt; what the problem is and why you need them to change certain things. This will either make them understand, or at least mitigate their anger/annoyance towards the decisionmaker (i.e. the person who decided you need proper tests. If that happens to be you, you can also explain the need for the tests). &#xA;Using the example of testability: Explaining your issue like this will wield much better results than general critique on testability:  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have noticed that certain important HTML-Elements do not have an id-property. I know that they don't necessarily need one for our application to work, but without them, we can not create proper tests for the UI, which have been demanded by decisionmaker XY. Therefore, I need to see id properties added to this, this and that element, as well as on all buttons and input-elements in future views. I understand this requires more work on your side, but it is necessary for proper testing of our application.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Get the developers to understand the reasons for the change in coding. When they understand exactly why you ask this of them, they will no longer hold a grudge against you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8077" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T11:07:04.430" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20140" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20135" CreationDate="2018-12-04T11:07:26.550" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a developer (C++) and often I'm facing exactly the same problem. I'm a bit older (26) but still comparatively young. Our team consists of 5 people with an average age of 35. I'm the only one in our team who really cares about good code in terms of readability, maintainability and consistency. 3 of us are doing this job since 6-10 years and they have their (partially bad) habits.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I try to convince them, yet I had the best success by explaining to them the benefits of changing specific coding behaviors. It's very important that you don't criticize them, but make the new style more attractive, because nobody likes to be told he is doing something wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your example I'd approach like: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hi, your naming convention is understandable, though we can improve it by adding &quot;id&quot; to the identifier. This way it will be very comfortable to iterate through elements by finding all lines containing &quot;id&quot;. Also we would have a better overview when using autocomplete/intellisense.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I experienced I very rarely have success if my suggestions sound like critics. If you know your suggestion is a real improvement, you will find good reasons why. Just never be personal but show the benefits over the actual coding style.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4386" LastEditorUserId="4386" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T11:12:54.280" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T11:12:54.280" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20141" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20135" CreationDate="2018-12-04T11:49:28.037" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The way that developers are coding is frankly none of your business. If you try to make them change this, you will get nothing but a bloody nose (figuratively speaking). What's your business is the quality of the product, and everything that helps you doing your job or makes it harder. Developer's code is not part of this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are no processes in place to facilitate QA, then sure, create these processes, discuss them with anyone involved, implement them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If there are product features that would help you testing, sure, identify these features, ask for them, and they will be prioritised like other feature requests. If there is anything you need, ask nicely, and in a reasonable team will help you if their time and other priorities allow it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But telling developers how to do their job will make you lots of enemies, no matter how you try to do it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As far as &quot;nitpicky&quot; is concerned: You are supposed to be nitpicky when you check that the product does what it is supposed to do. &quot;Nitpicky&quot; is a positive quality for a QA engineer. I have one QA engineer who is not nitpicky, but absolutely &lt;em&gt;evil&lt;/em&gt;, and it helps a lot improving the product quality. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And if a product has lots of little faults that only a &quot;nitpicky&quot; QA engineer complains about, then customers are a lot less forgiving if they run into big problems. Another advantage of the nitpicky QA engineer: Developers often know about small faults and would like to fix them but have pressure from management to do other things. That developer may be grateful for you to create a bug report, because now they can say &quot;I must fix this, because QA complained&quot; instead of &quot;I would like to fix this, because it doesn't look quite right&quot;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After your additions: If developers look annoyed about extra work, that's normal and nothing to worry about :-) But you need to investigate how work is handled at your place. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just say &quot;I need XYZ&quot; and the developer takes a day to do XYZ for you, then it looks to his boss as if he hadn't done anything all day. At my place, you would fill out a request, I'd do the job, I mark the request as &quot;done&quot;, and I can say to my boss &quot;no, I wasn't lazy all day, I did this highly important thing that Noon needed to do her job&quot;. That makes all the difference. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your place isn't well organised that way yet (and having introduced QA just 2 weeks ago I might fear for the worst), that's something that needs doing. It's probably something where it would be worth taking the initiative. The important thing is that you create extra work for developers (and that is &lt;em&gt;exactly&lt;/em&gt; your job), then it must be done in a way that is visible to the boss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastEditorUserId="556" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T16:58:29.463" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T16:58:29.463" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20142" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19918" CreationDate="2018-12-04T12:08:42.450" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Simply let him know the current scenario. Also tell him that negotiations didn't worked earlier but that's not the case now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As Xander is your good friend he will understand the scenario and you can grow together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even if he chooses otherwise you will not be having any guilt and you will still be friends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23080" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T12:20:27.417" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T12:20:27.417" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20143" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-04T12:18:08.503" Score="4" ViewCount="522" Body="&lt;p&gt;I usually go to work by bus and usually don't care if people enter before I do (unless I'm on a rush), so I just step aside and let people pass. Sometimes there's a lot of people, sometimes just 1 or 2. Last week was just me and another woman waiting for the bus. As the bus stopped, I let her pass in front and she gave me a sort of a scornful look and groan before finally passing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Later that day I've been told some women don't like it when men let them pass or open the door for them or something (because they consider it sexism coming from a man), so I thought maybe that was the case. I've honestly never looked too much into it until that day, and remembered I've always been raised to always act like a gentleman. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can these traits I've attained be considered sexist, even though in my mind, I really don't care if I'm lending my spot to a man or a woman (as I've been doing most of my time)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For reference, I'm currently living in the north of Portugal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23081" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T12:29:24.037" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T10:17:45.323" Title="Can my sense of common courtesy be considered sexism?" Tags="&lt;courtesy&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-12-04T12:59:15.603" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20144" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20143" CreationDate="2018-12-04T12:43:00.957" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;The definition of a &quot;gentleman&quot; in my dictionary is &lt;em&gt;a chivalrous, courteous, or honourable man&lt;/em&gt;. I don't see anything that says this courtesy should only extend to women. Personally, I will hold a door open for both men and women. If I &lt;em&gt;stopped&lt;/em&gt; holding the door for women only based on the belief that &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; women don't like men doing this for them, &lt;em&gt;then&lt;/em&gt; I would be consciously treating women differently to men. And if I stopped holding doors open altogether, that's what I call rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sure, historically there is a practice of &quot;&lt;em&gt;ladies before gentlemen&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, and I can see why some modern women might see that as &quot;sexist&quot; if they believe a man is treating them differently based entirely on their gender. Again, personally, as a (gentle)man I don't see anything wrong with specific acts of kindness to the women already in our lives. In a relationship of any kind, it is nice for both parties to show appreciation and respect for each other through gestures. If you think about it, that &lt;em&gt;has&lt;/em&gt; to be shown in different ways. For example, imagine if the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; way a man and woman in a relationship could show appreciation for one another was to hold a door open and allow the other to go first. They'd either constantly argue about who was going first, or end up strictly alternating in which case it has become mechanical and the &quot;gesture&quot; is lost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If a woman you &lt;strong&gt;don't know&lt;/strong&gt; seems unappreciative of your chivalrous act (again, &lt;em&gt;chivalry&lt;/em&gt; is defined as &lt;em&gt;a moral, and social code&lt;/em&gt;, originally among knights, not towards women) then there really is not much you could do to anticipate and combat that. I personally believe there are more &lt;em&gt;people&lt;/em&gt; (both men and women) that &lt;em&gt;would&lt;/em&gt; appreciate a kind gesture than would be offended by it on some gender-based grounds.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-12-05T10:17:45.323" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T10:17:45.323" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20145" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20143" CreationDate="2018-12-04T12:53:39.157" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I (as a woman) don't perceive this kind of behavior as sexism, but as bothersome and cumbersome because it disrupts the natural flow of every-day interactions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Imagine walking in a group as the second person in front.&#xA;In a world where everyone was treated equally, you'd expect the person in front of you to open the door, pass through it and hold it open long enough for you to take over in holding the door open and passing through. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Naturally, when the first person hesitates, you expect that there's a reason for it (like another group of people blocking the way), so you wait as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that, as a woman, you're forced to analyze the situation and asses whether there's a reason for you to stop as well or the other person is being gentelmanly and is waiting for you to pass through before them. It creates awkward situations and unnessecary waits and makes something as simple as walking through a door complicated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there are situations where extreme gentelmanly behavior can be perceived as sexism. These are generally situations where your behavior implies that women cannot do simple tasks. Some examples include:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Making a show of holding &lt;em&gt;every single door&lt;/em&gt; open for a woman (which requires you overhauling her several times to be first at the next door), implying that she cannot open a door by herself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;When a woman asks for a tool (hand-operated or power tool) to build or repair something and you insist on building / repairing the something instead of offering the tool you imply that she's unable to do it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If a woman carries a big or heavy object and you take it out of her hands without being asked, you belittle her by implying she cannot carry the object herself.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If in doubt, ask the person if they want or need help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T14:17:25.470" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T14:17:25.470" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20146" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20143" CreationDate="2018-12-04T12:53:42.770" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;As a woman I have a different perspective on it - the one that has nothing to do with sexism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most likely your behavior was not expected (perhaps not even needed) and you simply made getting on/off the bus more awkward and time consuming and less smooth by making her pass you instead of timely getting on the bus yourself. Please consider that your gentlemen ways may slow down everyone and tip them off their rhythm. There is a time and place for such behavior but in crowd or if you are already first, just move on. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10651" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T12:53:42.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20147" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20123" CreationDate="2018-12-04T13:15:45.810" Score="2" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;People talk too loudly generating a lot of noise during lunch.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's a room with &lt;em&gt;hundreds&lt;/em&gt; of people in it having lunch, not a library! The basic physics of sound and human hearing mean if you've got hundreds of small groups of people having conversations in one room you're going to generate quite a lot of noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They do not take attention of cleanliness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a genuine issue - although one that is going to be difficult to stamp out entirely. If you have some clearly defined rules/policies that aren't being followed (returning trays, putting waste in bins etc) that aren't being followed you can stress these. Unfortunately I'd be surprised if you were able to enact/enforce any direct consequences on people who violate them. You could however try mass-emailing the staff indicating that they are responsible for this and that the increased load on cleaning staff to pick up the slack may lead to price increases in the canteen if not addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;They drags chairs causing unnecessary noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I agree that the sound is annoying - ultimately it's not a big deal. From what you describe it sounds as though this canteen has a hard floor - which is totally practical and makes sense as they are easy and quick to clean and are generally much harder wearing than carpet. Unfortunately they are also the sources of annoying noises like this and even worse they don't absorb noise either so the results are LOUD, while everyone picking up and placing their chairs every single time would alleviate the noise with the best will in the world you aren't going to achieve this - and attempting to police it persistently will just make you look petty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Few of them even shout at the waiters.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is by far the biggest issue you mention and is completely unacceptable! Again I would communicate via e-mail etc to all staff that shouting at or otherwise abusing wait staff is unacceptable and that your staff have been instructed to refuse service to anyone behaving in this way (you'll obviously need to tell the staff that as well!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6753" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T13:15:45.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20151" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20158" CreationDate="2018-12-04T14:36:51.190" Score="4" ViewCount="1096" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have this family member, my cousin, who lives 30 minutes ride away from me. She has a full-time job and her mother takes care of her 6-year-old child during the day, while she is at work. The &amp;quot;taking-care&amp;quot; in this case is mainly taking the child to school. Public transportation to school is not available in my country. Usually, parents drive their kids to school. Recently, for some reason, her mother has to leave town for 2-3 weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This family member asked me to take her child to school for this time period.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note that I have a full-time job too and a very demanding job as a software developer. I really don't have the time and energy to deal with this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;School starts at 8 am and I also have to be at work at 8 am.. So this'd mean for me to maybe arrive 45 min to 1 hour late at work. (Although the child could arrive at school maybe 15 minutes early, this would still make me late for work.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She probably asked me because she knows that I can substitute my working hours. If I come to work 1 hour late, I can substitute it by working an extra hour in the evening. I have decided not to help her this time because if I say yes, I have to do this for 2-3 weeks, most probably 3 weeks. Coming up to 1 hour late for 3 weeks would not be acceptable by my manager. Plus, I've just finished a project for which I had to work 65 hours a week (for 6 weeks), so I don't have the energy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There might be other alternatives besides me helping her. My family member has two brothers also living in the area, one of them lives three blocks away from her apartment. So one of them could help, she told me by herself that I'm the first person she thought to ask for help. Also, hiring a person as a nanny, would be an alternative. Finally, she could work something out with her supervisors at work, to allow her to come late at work for these 3 weeks because she has a child to take to school.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How to say NO to this request gently, without hurting her feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also want to point out that she is divorced and has had lots of difficulties to bear in her life. She is indeed an excellent woman and mother.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Update&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I talked with her over the phone and told her: &lt;em&gt;My boss won't be ok with me coming 1 hour later for 3 weeks straight.&lt;/em&gt; She said she understood me and will ask another family member, one of her brothers who is married with two kids. He is very much likely to agree to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wanted to be discrete, but now I decided to explain why I was firm to say NO. I am a rational person and I put my work first because I thought that in this situation, she could find a different solution to her problem. I have helped her other times and I am not regretting it but this time I though she asks me for help simply because I don't say &amp;quot;No&amp;quot; to her. And truly, my work situation was that adjusting my schedule would be very difficult for me. Considering everything, I decided that I couldn't agree to my cousin's request.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thanks a lot for your help!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23085" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T15:39:05.157" Title="How to say NO to a family member request about taking care of her child?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;southern-europe&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20152" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20135" CreationDate="2018-12-04T15:40:32.297" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am speaking from the point of view of a DevOps Lead/Software Architect with numerous experiences collaborating with QA folk, including automated QA.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My official answer to your question is to pick your initial battles carefully, and eventually increasing the scopes of your initiatives to make the impacts you desire and know to be good.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My meaning: add code quality initiatives that have the fastest payoffs before long, slogging campaigns. Adding id to things in HTML is a good example. It makes the code testable in an automation environment, and should be quickly realizable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Code quality has long term benefits, but at short term resource costs due to it being work that is not usually seen as productive (for certain definitions of productive: i.e. &quot;getting new features done&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In an established code base, getting code quality up across the board is a tough sell. I also advise a more strategic, piecemeal process, as it is already working code and changing code incurs risk.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend finding a few shorter initiatives that demonstrate benefits, at which point the devs are more likely to realize that your initiatives are not simply pedantic annoying rules to follow but rather  activities that will have a benefit to them long term.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also highly recommend minimizing front-loading and boiling the ocean by putting too much backstory and background behind why you are doing something. Code quality is important and good, but many people find it uninteresting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And it is essential to come up with a good way of delivering initiatives. Prefer statements like &quot;Please do Y instead of X&quot; rather than &quot;Don't do X, do Y.&quot; (If you observe carefully, this very sentence is structured according to the guideline it espouses).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user2014" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T15:40:32.297" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20153" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20126" CreationDate="2018-12-04T16:44:30.653" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would try to say something like  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you mind if I join these guys for a more competitive game?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this way you're not mentioning his skill level directly or indicating that you don't enjoy playing with him but instead asking to excuse yourself to join someone else for a game. This puts your neighbor in a position where he will feel good, like he is doing you a favor by granting your request.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I expect though you may need to compromise a little at least at first if he has no other badminton partners. While you can excuse yourself for some competitive games I would check between games if he has found a new partner to play with, this would also be a fine time to address issues you mentioned with him not improving where you may be able to reference things that you did in your competitive game you would like him to learn.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T16:44:30.653" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20155" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20151" CreationDate="2018-12-04T17:26:45.467" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;You need to be direct with her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, my work schedule does not allow for me to be able to drop off the child at the scheduled time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes it clear that your reason for not accepting her request is solely because of your work obligations and not because you don't want to help.  Her feelings should not be hurt as she is presumably in the same situation with regards to work schedule ( this is of course, assuming that the cousin is not aware that you can modify your schedule ).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, if she tries to argue that you should adjust your work schedule to be able to drop off HER child at school (i.e. initiating a confrontation ) you can politely ask her why can't she do the same?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22700" LastEditorUserId="22700" LastEditDate="2018-12-05T14:19:45.250" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T14:19:45.250" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20156" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20114" CreationDate="2018-12-04T17:31:54.823" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR 'generic' version&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Explain your issue in simple, logical terms. Make it something that the other person can relate to.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Once both sides agree that the issue exists, proffer a solution which does not inconvenience the other party. (Alternatively, and especially in the workplace, offer two solutions - the one that you want, and one that no-one wants - and let them choose. This makes them feel that they are in control of the decision-making.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Implement your preferred solution. (In your specific case, when implementing your solution, please be mindful that they've configured their router this way for a reason.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you've described sounds to me like a combination of a content-filtering DNS server (such as the OpenDNS service) and having Universal Plug'n'Play disabled.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;The first will block certain domain names by not returning their real IP addresses.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;The second will stop programs from opening arbitrary ports.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However there are other possibilities: it could be that their router doesn't have an IPv4 address. If this is the case then some services just won't work (&lt;a href=&quot;https://tools.ietf.org/html/rfc6586&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;link to RFC 6586&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How I would approach this situation:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Speak to your hosts. Explain that you're experiencing a problem with the wireless network, and say that it only ever happens when you're connected to their network; therefore the problem must be with their network.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;(Use a specific example, something that they will also understand, eg. talk about not being able to make Skype calls to your family, instead of saying you can't play games with your friends. From their point of view, the former is a real issue, and the latter is not that big of a deal.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Then ask whether it would be possible for you to have a look at their wireless router's configuration. (Ask them to show it to you, rather than asking them for the administrator password)&#xA;&lt;br&gt;(At this point they may refuse your request. Maybe they don't have the password because their granddaughter set it up when she was home for the Summer holidays? If this happens, then the only thing you can do is attempt to escalate the request to the person responsible.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Assuming you're at the stage where you can see the router's configuration, you should be able to identify the specific issue, and then ask them to resolve it.&#xA;&lt;br&gt;(To make their lives easier, try to make this the one and only time you go poking about in their router configuration. That's to say, if you require ports forwarded, then forward all the ports you'll ever need. Don't go asking every two weeks for another couple of ports. Or, if you're brave and firewalled, you could add your machine to the router's DMZ, which will effectively forward ALL of the ports to you :-) )&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8409" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T17:31:54.823" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20157" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-04T17:32:18.373" Score="5" ViewCount="458" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been living at my current address for just under 3 months. I'm not renewing the lease for another year after this one is up, so my landlord has just started to take viewings for the property.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So far, we've had:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One individual viewing, booked for something like 14:00 on a Friday. We were given about 20 hours' notice for this. Nobody showed up, and at 14:30 I emailed the landlord asking if it had been cancelled because I'd like to not have to stay in longer than necessary.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;One day of bookings. This is a bit of an unusual one - our landlord emailed everyone in the property yesterday afternoon saying &quot;we're running a student housing open day tomorrow, and we might do viewings of your property any time between 11:00-17:30&quot;. That gave us about 18-20 hours' notice again. Today, nobody has shown up all day.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm frustrated with this. My landlord appears to be incapable of giving us the &lt;em&gt;minimum&lt;/em&gt; required notice (24 hours), let alone a reasonable length of notice (surely if you want to take over someone's house for a day, you give them a little more than 24 hours notice...). They also haven't shown any signs of consideration for us; they failed to notify us when a viewing was cancelled and made me stay in unnecessarily, and they made me stay in the whole day today as well for no reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd like to take this up with them and get them to start running things properly. Namely, I'd like to ask them to:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Give us proper notice. &lt;em&gt;At least&lt;/em&gt; 24 hours, since that's what the lease stipulates, but preferably more if they want to occupy any significant length of time.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Show some consideration. If viewings are cancelled, let us know so we don't wait around unnecessarily.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also want to make it clear that the next time they fail to give us enough notice for a viewing, I won't be letting them in to do it, even if they do turn up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However... they are still my landlords, and I have to maintain some semblance of a working relationship with them for the next 8 months. So, ideally, I'd do this in such a way that it's clear what the problem and solutions are, but which doesn't create undue animosity between us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I go about doing this?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="88" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:33:54.967" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T23:53:22.743" Title="How do I get my landlord to show some consideration without souring our relationship?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;landlord&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20158" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20151" CreationDate="2018-12-04T17:37:38.063" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think that you might be making this out to be more complicated than it is. The factors that matter:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your cousin absolutely needs assistance if her son is to attend school during this period (unless she quits her job)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It would be a substantial disruption for you to provide this assistance for the entire period&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;The disruption is more than you are willing (or able, though that's a poor line of argument to take here) to provide&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It seems clear from the question that, if forced to choose between agreeing to help your cousin or hurting her feelings, you would choose the latter. There is no point in pretending that this is not the case, especially because you probably technically &lt;em&gt;could&lt;/em&gt; help her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the best response to your cousin will be firm in your refusal, with only the broadest (true) explanation as to why:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can't adjust my schedule that way for 2-3 weeks, my boss won't accept it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Any&lt;/em&gt; equivocation on this, or expansion to pretend that you literally &lt;em&gt;cannot&lt;/em&gt; help is risky. Specific reasons that you've provided so far do sound like excuses because they don't actually preclude you from helping. They may be excellent reasons why helping would be a big burden for you, or why you don't want to help, but those are not the same as saying you want to help but truly cannot. Pretending the latter will only make you look dishonest if she presses you at all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want to avoid hurting your cousin's feelings, you can agree to help out for part of the time that she's gone:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I can take him to school for one week, but that's the most leeway my boss will give me. You'll have to make other arrangements for the rest of the time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That way you're still helping with the problem, and seemingly to the maximum extent you can (whether or not that's actually true). It completely avoids the (not entirely incorrect) impression that helping your cousin with this difficult and (perhaps) unavoidable situation just isn't important enough for you to do. It's that impression that's going to hurt her feelings, if anything does, so addressing it is the best way to address your goal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T17:37:38.063" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20159" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20170" CreationDate="2018-12-04T17:51:11.713" Score="5" ViewCount="241" Body="&lt;p&gt;We are 4 close friends and all are well settled and prosper. I am initiating business proposals among us but the problem is none of them takes the conversation seriously. However, they all say that they will start any business in near time but not paying attention to look for a business opportunity according to our tier 2 city and never initiating any discussion from their side.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my view, they are just thinking of doing a business in the future because they are satisfied with their job's pay scale.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What should I do so that they could pay attention and start to explore opportunities by having a conversation on this particular topic?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23004" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-04T20:37:50.933" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T17:44:53.050" Title="By what ways can I seek attention of my friends to explore business oppotunities?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;&lt;business&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="1" ClosedDate="2018-12-05T19:22:24.430" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20161" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20157" CreationDate="2018-12-04T20:21:08.010" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have two goals, which can be pursued at the same time: getting the landlord to fulfill a legal obligation, and getting the landlord to suit your personal preferences. On both items I think you will be well-served by presenting these as &lt;em&gt;reasonable requests&lt;/em&gt;, which it would only be reasonable for your landlord to satisfy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to the former is going to be to express your desires &lt;em&gt;as such&lt;/em&gt; (not as obligations on your landlord), recognizing that you are requesting something they don't have to provide. You can offer everyday sorts of reasons for this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I often make arrangements with friends to come over, but I don't want to interfere with you showing the place. If a showing is cancelled, could you let me know so that I can go forward with my plans?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Under no circumstances should you treat your preference for being present during a showing as something that your landlord needs to accommodate and account for-- it isn't, and if they don't care, arguing based on an obligation that your landlord knows doesn't exist puts you immediately in a terrible spot, making you seem somewhat entitled and willing to be less-than-honest to get what you feel you are entitled to. This is especially the case if you're intending to hold the landlord to the letter of the law with notice periods.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, you &lt;strong&gt;are not&lt;/strong&gt; entitled to a considerate landlord. If they just don't care about being considerate towards you, you aren't going to be able to force them to change. The most you can do is ask.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key to the latter is going to be recognizing what legal options you have for a remedy to insufficient notice, understanding which of those you might actually use, and being prepared to follow through. Also, it's worth recognizing that the landlord may not have much more notice than you (though they are still required to schedule showings such that you can be given proper notice).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not familiar with UK law, but depending on what type of notice the landlord is required to give you may have a hard time proving that you didn't get it as early as you should have. Even if you can, the legal remedies may not be what you imagine. If your landlord has to pay a 50 pound fine for each violation, that may encourage them to give proper notice before a showing. If the remedy is that you are allowed to leave the apartment without penalty before the lease is up, then unless you're ready to move out the law may not do much for you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since legal action may end up being inadequate or too extreme, and the threat of legal action is fundamentally adversarial, I suggest &lt;em&gt;asking&lt;/em&gt; the landlord to provide sufficient notice while &lt;em&gt;mentioning&lt;/em&gt; the legal requirement. That's a reference to and a reminder of the law, not a threat:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It can be hard to shift my schedule around to make sure the place looks great for a showing, so could you let me know at least 24 hours in advance, like the lease says?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You &lt;strong&gt;are&lt;/strong&gt; entitled to the protections the law affords you, but that being true doesn't magically provide what you want (obviously, as your landlord isn't following the law in this case). But you generally have to engage the legal system in some way to enforce your legal rights.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whatever you choose to do, the first step should be to adjust your perspective a bit, because coming at your landlord from the wrong angle all but guarantees a difficult relationship. Your landlord may or may not (and it seems like &quot;not&quot; here) care about your personal contentment compared against their own business concern. I'll take quotes from the question, to illustrate what I mean.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Taking over &quot;your&quot; house&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;surely if you want to take over someone's house for a day, you give them a little more than 24 hours notice...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not your house. It's your &lt;em&gt;landlord's&lt;/em&gt; house, which you rent from them. To you, it's a temporary home. To your landlord, it's an ongoing business. To maintain their business, the landlord &lt;em&gt;needs&lt;/em&gt; to show it to potential renters, and to avoid losing income between leases that's going to overlap with existing tenancies.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further, you are not required to do anything for these showings. You may choose to do various things, but you can also continue on with your ordinary living activities whether there is a showing or not. That the landlord is legally required to provide at least 24 hours' notice is an important issue, but it's a separate issue from this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&quot;Forcing&quot; you to stay in for periods of time&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;they failed to notify us when a viewing was cancelled and made me stay in unnecessarily, and they made me stay in the whole day today as well for no reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They aren't forcing you to do anything at all. I totally sympathize with your preference to be there when strangers are in your home (I'm the same way), but your presence is not in any way required. It would indeed be considerate of your landlord to inform you of cancelled showings, but failing to do so isn't forcing you to do anything. You're following your own preferences all the way here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's not up to you to &quot;let&quot; your landlord show people around the property when you are or are not there-- you are legally required to allow it, and your landlord probably doesn't care if you're there or not. Asserting an obligation which does not exist onto your landlord seems likely to cause  miscommunications at best.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Legal obligations tend to follow legal mechanisms&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The law is on your side with notice periods, but legal action can be a strong step. Even the &lt;em&gt;threat&lt;/em&gt; of legal action, however justified, could poison your relationship. And, honestly, this may or may not be the best possible outcome-- you are legally entitled to sufficient notice, and you don't have to compromise on that. A mildly surly landlord might be something you can live with. A very hostile one may not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But to actually compel your landlord to satisfy their legal requirements, you'll have to report the violation and go through whatever processes follow. There is no halfway. If you threaten legal action, the landlord doesn't change, but you don't follow through, then nothing will change for the duration of your lease. If you do follow through, then you're going to get what the law says you should: maybe nothing (with a fine from the landlord paid to the government), maybe something awkward (being able to leave without penalty before the lease is up), and maybe something less than ideal (a cash payment from the landlord, plus unlimited ill will for the rest of your tenancy).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any event, do some research and understand what the law will actually do for you. There is likely to be a moderate amount of stuff to go through between being aware that your landlord is breaking the law and getting a result (let alone a result you might actually want).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-12-04T20:21:08.010" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20162" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-04T21:24:57.427" Score="7" ViewCount="633" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I work in IT services companies and I've seen several colleagues and/or friends of mine that are in power positions (project leader, tech expert...) take on too many responsibilities, with the consequence of severely impacting their private life because they work a lot of extra hours (unpaid&amp;amp;untraced) so their projects don't fail.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overtime work reduces the time to spend with their families at home if they have one, and/or the time to spend on hobbies, and it also comes with a great deal of additional stress.&#xA;Recently, one of them got sudden 2-weeks leave because they were so close to burnout even the company realized it would be worse to let the situation go further. Another has shown complete relapse in an habit they had previously spent a lot of effort for years, even though they had been so iron-willed about it before.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;According to me, they are risking their physical and mental health in a situation where it is not needed - the IT sector is thriving at the time, and the salary is enough. The way I see it, they are used to taking on responsibilities but have trouble recognizing or setting up a limit to the workload they take on.&#xA;They are in positions where they feel that they alone are responsible of the success of a project, but in my opinion, it's also the company's responsibility to allow enough 'resources' (aka, people) for projects to be completed. The company (or at least the involved levels of management) are aware that the workload is too much to be done in the theoretical work hours, but as the work is finished in overtime, there's no problem and thus no need to add more resources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(The companies I'm talking about are not small companies that would fail if a project fail. One of them is 40 000 people and the projects are 5 to 25 people - not a game changer.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm both worried for my friends and pissed at the companies for taking advantage of responsible people. But we're not that close of friends ; I might miss crucial context elements ; I suspect it's not my place to do anything about that, and anyway, any change in the situation will have to come from the involved people and not from an outsider.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But &lt;strong&gt;in the assumption&lt;/strong&gt; that they might be in a situation from which they could and should get out, &lt;strong&gt;are there ways in which I could discuss the subject with them to help them acknowledge (or progress toward the acknowledgment) that there's an issue that's not going to disappear and need to be addressed?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, right now, I'm thinking about asking them if they could give me an estimate of their real work hours for the past weeks, or asking them 'what would be the limit where you would put your foot down?' in the hope to make them consider the current situation in regard to this limit...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;PS: not putting this in Workplace SE because either I haven't ever worked in the same company as my friend, or I'm not working &lt;em&gt;anymore&lt;/em&gt; in the same company. I'll ask there if it's best, though.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Udate answering comments&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Regarding company culture about overtime, speaking of the one I used to work in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's considered as normal to work some extra-hours, for developpers as well as project leaders, though for the last, it's often in the form of working at home to work on files (so a bit harder for me to estimate their actual overtime).&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's unofficially frowned upon to put in extra-hours without your boss authorization, and if you ask for that, they'll tell you that you were not ordered to do overtime so you shouldn't have done so. This would probably go against your reputation in the company and impact your chance of augmentation or promotion.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While I don't like that overtime is the normal, what I'm worried about here is more extra-hours than usual, even for people in their position. For at least one of them, it's evenings and weekends, in a way that does not seem sustainable or healthy to me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23088" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T21:08:32.063" Title="Help a coworker or friend reconsider their work/private life balance" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;work-life-balance&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20165" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20135" CreationDate="2018-12-05T07:30:34.023" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Ok, we have here now already a lot of answers giving advice concerning your question from the professional engineering and workplace aspects. I can more or less agree with all of them so I will keep in that regards my 2 cents for me and try to just give this answer considering the interpersonal point of view for your situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Disclaimer: Being on the &lt;a href=&quot;/questions/tagged/autism-spectrum&quot; class=&quot;post-tag&quot; title=&quot;show questions tagged &amp;#39;autism-spectrum&amp;#39;&quot; rel=&quot;tag&quot;&gt;autism-spectrum&lt;/a&gt; I might go into details that most won't even see as a problem. But since they were/are problematic for me, its the backup for my way of handling it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, the first contrast I am seeing here from most of the answers contrary your situation is, most people answering are professionals with prior experiences in QA.&#xA;As long not most of the employees in your company are senior developers, you can assume THEY don't have such prior experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my previous jobs I had always been &quot;that nitpicky annoying coworker&quot;, but that was primary cause QA wasn't my job. The interesting thing I can tell you from back then is: People usually didn't disagree with me. They were just in a working culture not caring of quality and hence found someone caring for quality a restraining noise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So keep in mind this might be the case at your work, too (Even if apparently it is supposed to be changed).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Let me tell you a little about my current job position. I know this is something that neither you can't implement alone nor is it a cultural change that can be implemented on short terms. But it might give you an idea of how to not be the nitpicky annoyance, if company's upper level is on your side&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So contrary to my previous jobs I am now working for a very large company, spending a huge amount of resources for quality. I am not directly working in QA but as license compliance analyst, so in a break down it is still my job to validate other peoples code. Here actually any product has to pass our checks before it is allowed to be released. There are documented requirements a product has to meet, to be able to be checked by my team and all we need to do is checking it and giving approval or rejecting it. So it is not us deciding what hast to be checked. This has the result, that project teams aren't seeing us as the guys disturbing their deadlines, but rather ask us for help if their project isn't passing our analyses and they can't figure how to fix it&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So taking this well working procedure into account, I would advice you the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, and especially most important for me due to being an autist&lt;sup&gt;3&lt;/sup&gt;, make sure to be certain about what is expected from your role. Despite nitpickyness is a good trait for an QA engineer, your company might have a wrong idea of what the responsibility of an QA engineer should be.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So make an appointment with your superior, and ask them to give you a clear definition of your responsibility in your role. Try avoid telling what you think your responsibility is about and asking for confirmation and rather let them explain their idea. Try to see their explanation fully separated from your own idea of what your responsibility should be, if you find it incomplete ask for clarification, but don't argue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After that, write a proposal of your responsibility. Again just how you understood them, not what you think it should be. And then add a section to that proposal stating what is NOT your responsibility. Here you can add all the parts you think that should be part of your role, but have not been mentioned. The more you feel uncomfortable with something not being part of your role, the more dramatic my wording would be&lt;sup&gt;4&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Give that proposal to your superior and ask them to approve it.&#xA;Eventually adapt that proposal till its getting approved and voilà, you have a definite classification of your responsibility.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives you certainty in 3 ways:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You know what aspects of quality are important for the company and hence what you have to care for.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You don't need to worry about what you find important regarding software quality, as you have explicit written advice not to consider these aspects. This is also useful, to avoid being blamed in the future for not having taken care of these measures, as you have written advice to not to.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Most important regarding OP. It is not your personal opinion of quality anymore but a written treaty of what is the company's opinion of what should be assured. So you can't reasonably be blamed for it anymore. Or if it is part of the &quot;not to&quot;'s, neither you nor the developers have to bother, as the company clearly expresses not wanting that part to be covered.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt; What I hope they are, as otherwise your employment would be a farce.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;2&lt;/sup&gt; Well, I am quite sure within their teams they still see us that way. But the point is, we don't have to tell them how to fix their code, rather they have to ask us what to do if there are problems with the code making it not pass our explicit defined and documented checks.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;3&lt;/sup&gt; I just realized how much here can go wrong, when I came into a working environment where fortunately everything in every aspect is documented, and I noticed how much room for misunderstanding there had been in my previous jobs by the lack of such policy.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;4&lt;/sup&gt;I don't know if this is a good or bad advice, its just what I would do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="32" LastEditorUserId="32" LastEditDate="2018-12-05T07:38:33.787" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T07:38:33.787" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20166" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20181" CreationDate="2018-12-05T08:48:38.930" Score="8" ViewCount="1524" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've recently met a person I am strongly attracted to.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;They rejected the idea of a date because &quot;at the moment [they're] not emotionally available&quot;, since they recently came out of a long term relationship. The breakup seems to have been caused by distance (as in &quot;an ocean and half a continent&quot;).&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Because of this, I have the impression that they are afraid of ending up again in a &quot;distance&quot; situation. And me being from Europe, and them from the US, is not helping in this regard.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to communicate to them that, in the case we would be together, and they would decide to go back to the US, I would be up to relocate with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible to communicate this without sounding &quot;stalkerish&quot;? (i.e.: I'd like to avoid sounding like &quot;if you move, I'll follow you no matter what&quot;, since if I would not be in a relationship, I'm very happy to live in the EU and I don't think I would move in the US by myself. I could see myself visiting the US, though. We currently both live in the EU, but they might move back in the US in the next year/few years)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23093" LastEditorUserId="23093" LastEditDate="2018-12-05T20:53:43.077" LastActivityDate="2019-04-12T20:07:55.443" Title="How to communicate your availability to relocate without sounding as a stalker?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;europe&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20167" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20166" CreationDate="2018-12-05T10:45:27.777" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt; Please note: this answer relies on the assumption that you wanna tell them &lt;strong&gt;now&lt;/strong&gt; about your willingness of relocating should you ever become their partner and not later on in your relationship.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Maybe mention other reasons for relocating&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not advising you to lie to them. I'm saying that relocating is a big deal. Regardless of the potential feelings this person may have for you, hearing that you'd be ready to move abroad because of them may just add more pressure on their shoulders.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You say in your post they told you they're not ready to engage in another relationship right now. If you bluntly tell them you're willing to move abroad mainly because of them, you risk of scaring them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, you said you would like to avoid the US should you not be in a relationship with them. But you may be curious about the country. You may have potentially interesting jobs offers there. &lt;em&gt;Rely on that&lt;/em&gt;. Not only it would give you another reason for relocation - which may be useful should things between them and you not turn as well as you wanted to - but it will also put the pressure off the person's shoulders away: &lt;strong&gt;you're not sacrificing a part of your life for them.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now how you could mention it to them could look like the following:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey, I saw an amazing job offer located in San Francisco today. Would you recommend me living there? Is the city pleasant?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As explained before, this indicates your willingness of going abroad without implying you're doing it for anybody else but yourself. Plus it's a great way to take the temperature: depending on the way they answer those questions, you'll see if they're happy or reluctant of the idea of you getting geographically closer to them. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now of course, you could lie on your reasons for relocating. I'd not advise you to do that. I personally think that honesty is a fundamental value in a relationship, but more practically: you're gonna need a job offer in order to get a visa. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-12-05T10:52:19.643" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T10:52:19.643" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20168" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20166" CreationDate="2018-12-05T11:43:42.083" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;They&lt;/em&gt; say that their reason for not being available at the moment is that &lt;strong&gt;they recently came out of a long-term relationship&lt;/strong&gt;. You seem to be focusing on the possible reason for the breakup rather than the fact they don't feel emotionally ready for another one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You must take what they say at face value. If they say they aren't &quot;emotionally available&quot; then &lt;strong&gt;any&lt;/strong&gt; kind of pressure, whether it is related to your current distance or otherwise, is probably going to freak them out and result in you being pushed away.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really like this person, your best chance of a future relationship is to do everything on their terms, and perhaps just be a friend for now. That may involve guarding your own emotions and holding back. A good friend that they can easily talk to might be exactly what they need at this moment in time. Plus, you don't really want to be their &quot;rebound&quot; relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand from the comments on your post that you are, at present, both in the same country, so really the matter of relocation is not that pressing. It may be that as time passes they get over their breakup and you are able to progress your own relationship while you are in the same country. If the situation does not change and their return to the USA is nearing, perhaps an offer to &lt;em&gt;visit&lt;/em&gt; their country for a vacation without any pressure of a relationship may go down better than an offer to relocate. It could be the first step to furthering the relationship, or it could lead to nothing, but at least you will have given it a go.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-12-05T18:00:14.863" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T18:00:14.863" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20169" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20135" CreationDate="2018-12-05T12:38:56.787" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;em&gt;Background&lt;/em&gt;: I have 10+ years of experience in management, 19 years working in an IT environment, and my current role of 2 years is part of a development team.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may be right about how &lt;em&gt;some&lt;/em&gt; developers may react to having their work checked, but as you appear to have a technical background and are using technical solutions to implement such checks I think you will probably be fine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Development is only a part of my job, so I may be way less technical in my answer than some others, but I've seen my own environment change from one where there were almost no controls in place and developers were in pockets around a large organisation, developing with complete autonomy in their own style, to a properly controlled environment using Git repositories, version control etc. These things were quickly embraced by developers, because the one thing you can say about most developers is that they &lt;em&gt;love&lt;/em&gt; keeping up to date with the latest tools. Having control measures brings a measure of administrative burden, but also many benefits, and as a technology in itself is pretty &quot;cool&quot; :) The same may well be true of you introducing things like SonarQube, the developers may love it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My advice would be:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Make it all about the code, not about the individuals.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Make it clear from the start and in all you do that your role there is to oversee the quality of the &lt;em&gt;code&lt;/em&gt;, not expose underperforming developers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Be technical. But don't bluff&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;I've seen it dozens of times - people come to work in an IT environment and they are so scared of knowing less than everybody else they try and bluff their way through tech talk. Don't. You only end up looking stupid. Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses, so be assertive about what you do know, but honest about what you don't. Invite people to help you fill in any gaps in your knowledge. Many developers love an opportunity to speak about what they know, and you'll come over more approachable if you're humble enough to admit you don't know something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Turn any new measures or controls you introduce into &quot;personal development opportunities&quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Many other organisations already have in place many of the measures that you will introduce. So rather than make them feel like you are introducing administrative burdens on them, &quot;sell&quot; the changes to them as something that will develop them &lt;em&gt;personally&lt;/em&gt;. If they go for a new job elsewhere in the future, their experience here will be a big decider. Being able to say they have worked in a properly controlled environment with QA checking in place is a feather in their cap, so to speak.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Maintain your authority&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Balance all of the above with maintaining the level of authority expected of you within this role. Managers who try to be friends with their staff usually find their authority is undermined. Although you may not be a line manager to the developers, you have a job to do, so make sure they don't prevent you from doing it. Sure, your stated goal is to avoid becoming a &quot;nitpicker&quot; and irritating the people you work with, but career-wise you may want to be more attentive to how you fulfil the expectations of your role and please your bosses rather than being accepted by the developers as &quot;one of them&quot; when actually you have a different and distinct role.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-12-05T13:41:53.313" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T13:41:53.313" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20170" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20159" CreationDate="2018-12-05T17:44:53.050" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;The reason that they don't take the conversations seriously may be that they don't seriously want to start a business at the moment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One thing to keep in mind is that starting and maintaining a business is difficult and stressful and if done with friends can tear apart your friendships.  Carefully consider if your pursuit of a business opportunity is worth losing your friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can continue to present the idea, but until they are serious about it you can't expect them to jump into a business opportunity just because you bring up the topic.  And even if you do get them on board, you will always risk destroying the friendships.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22700" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T17:44:53.050" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20171" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20166" CreationDate="2018-12-05T17:56:06.520" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;Here's the key &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if I would not be in a relationship, I'm very happy in the EU and I'd like to avoid the US&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thing is, your SOLE reason for wanting to move there would be this person you barely know. And without them, you would NEVER want to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So you don't want to sound stalkerish, but this kinda is. The answer is to re-frame it in your mind. If you can't even get a date out of them, then what makes you think they would suddenly jump at it if you said you would be willing to move to the U.S.?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Others have pointed out that the person actually said they don't want a serious relations hip because they just got out of one. You aren't taking them at their word.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You would have to have other reasons to want to move to the U.S. not just them. And I'm saying this not just in a way to present it to her, but also as a way to present it to yourself. Because if it doesn't work out.... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T17:56:06.520" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20172" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20166" CreationDate="2018-12-05T20:59:33.560" Score="6" Body="&lt;h3&gt;You can't.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The issue is that moving halfway across the world is a big deal, and in terms of a romantic relationship is something that would really only be reasonable in the case of a serious one. &lt;strong&gt;You are not currently in such a relationship with this person&lt;/strong&gt;, and this person has &lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;explicitly&lt;/em&gt; indicated that they do not want to be in a romantic relationship with you at all&lt;/strong&gt; (right now, at least).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To outright say that you would move to the U.S. means that even before the first date (should you two ever have one) this person has to deal with you assuming that your relationship is much stronger and more developed than it is. It's not that this sounds like a stalker per se, but that it places the pressure of a serious relationship on the other person immediately and without any real connection to what the circumstances actually are (or will be).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might mean to express something more nuanced, like if conditions were right you would move to the U.S. to continue the relationship. But this is circular and uninformative, because it really only means that if you were willing to move you'd be willing to move. The lack of meaning in such a statement will probably lead interpretations back towards the one described in the paragraph above this one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only way I can think of that you might be able to express your willingness &lt;em&gt;without&lt;/em&gt; tying it to this other implication would be to state it in general terms, &lt;strong&gt;if and only if there is a natural opening in conversation to do so.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in a serious relationship with someone who had to move to another country, I would definitely also move so that we could stay together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or something more general, like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I like it here in the EU, but I'd be willing to move away if a decent reason came up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Even this might be too much, depending on how aware this person is about the depth and immediacy of your attraction. It's the immediate openness to assuming such a strong relationship that is the awkward part, and there is no way to express that without expressing that awkwardness as well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-05T20:59:33.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20173" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20010" CreationDate="2018-12-06T05:08:11.007" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You staying at your girlfriend's is your choice. If you alternatively stayed in the apartment all day, would you agree if your flatmates expect only you to clean the whole apartment? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Think about this another way. Let's say you moved out and got a smaller flat or something. You would have to clean more often, now you don't have to. So just do it!!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how you guys have split up the chores. &#xA;But if you feel it's not fair, just talk to them openly about the part you feel is not a good  split. Tell them something like &quot;I don't really eat here often so me doing all the dishes seems not right? Maybe we can do it after our own meals? What do you guys think?&quot; I don't know how close you guys are also but this is something you can do with just being straight to the point about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you can't say no to everything. It's not gonna happen. You are still one of the tenants. So you still have to pull your weight. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5279" LastEditorUserId="8354" LastEditDate="2018-12-06T08:39:23.770" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T08:39:23.770" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20174" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20177" CreationDate="2018-12-06T08:07:55.990" Score="7" ViewCount="1410" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been out with this girl a couple of times already, we're going out again soon and once more after that to a concert. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I couldn't buy the tickets online, so she did. I've been brought up in a way that man always pays for the woman, for all our dates I was the one who was paying, also she's a student and doesn't have much income.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I give her the money for the tickets in a polite way?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: We are from eastern europe.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22815" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2019-12-15T15:25:23.003" LastActivityDate="2019-12-15T15:25:23.003" Title="How do I give money for the tickets to the girl that I'm seeing?" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;money&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20175" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20176" CreationDate="2018-12-06T09:44:46.043" Score="2" ViewCount="378" Body="&lt;p&gt;So I've been living in another country for 10 years, and I've been working with a client for about 2 years, and about 6 months ago I made a mistake, I agreed to prepare a drink from my home country every two weeks for the entire team (15 members).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been doing this for few months, but I'm really fed up, I do not like to prepare food or drink, and I accepted that by telling myself it will be the case for 2 or 3 months, but it's been six months, and every two weeks, I'm reminded that I have to prepare this drink from my manager and other members of the team. Sometimes I refuse, sometimes I deliberately forget to bring the ingredients but they keep reminding me all the time and I want it to stop.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The preparation takes me about 30 minutes and my managers are ok with that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I refuse tactfully and tell them that I do not want to prepare this drink anymore? (Maybe I can do it once every 2 or 3 months, but not every 2 or 3 weeks). I just don't want to be sound rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10335" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-06T14:46:59.857" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T14:46:59.857" Title="how to say no to a recurring request from my managers and team members" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="2" ClosedDate="2018-12-06T16:28:31.033" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20176" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20175" CreationDate="2018-12-06T10:00:59.477" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would not say &quot;no&quot;. Like you do for many work or &quot;work-related&quot; requests, you don't point out a problem, but provide people with a solution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;How can I refuse tactfully and tell them that I do not want to prepare this drink anymore?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would try and make everybody happy: 1. they have the drink 2. I don't have to do it &lt;em&gt;alone/always&lt;/em&gt; anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How's that? Well, as they seem to like your local beverage, &lt;strong&gt;teach them how to make it&lt;/strong&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What this will do is: 1. show that you're concerned with being nice and team-work 2. offer solutions rather than problems. You don't say &quot;no&quot;, you say &quot;yes! ... (my way)&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there, you say you'd like to share with them, and teach them. Add a little smile and some humor to the recipe too; i.e. but what if I have to go tomorrow? you'll get this drink by yourself, and can cheer to my [ whatever ]. You'll still have the good moments for/with them, with less to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is not only based upon personal experience (when working in the USA with many different cultures, with used to do that, teach/educate each other with our singularities). But it also applies the well-known &quot;&lt;em&gt;give a man a fish, he'll eat for the day; teach a man how to fish, he'll eat every day...&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="455" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-12-06T11:03:03.310" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T11:03:03.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20177" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20174" CreationDate="2018-12-06T11:38:24.727" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;In order to give her the money while avoiding to be seen as rude, you need to not assume what she wants. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you assume that she wants you to pay her back and she, in fact, doesn't, you will put her in an uncomfortable position. You might hurt her feelings because she was happy to offer you those tickets but, now, you are treating it differently. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you assume the other way around (she, in fact, doesn't want you to pay her back), the situation is still not great. You might put her in a difficult financial situation or she might resent you to have &quot;trick her&quot; into buying tickets for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To avoid both of those situations, I would suggest stating what &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; want and saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I feel bad for not buying those tickets and would like to pay you back. Is that okay with you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, you state how you feel. This way, when you tell her what you want to do (pay her back), she doesn't need to assume your reasons, she already knows. From experience, assuming someone reason and being wrong can lead to a lot of unnecessary conflict and resentment, so it's a good idea to try to avoid that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, you check with her if she is okay with your solution (to solve the problem of you feeling bad). This way you show to her that it's not all about you and that her feelings also matters. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If she isn't okay with you paying her back, she can then say it and find another solution with you. If you didn't ask if she was okay with it, she might have not said anything because she didn't want to upset you but then resent you for not taking her feelings into account.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Note: I'm from France.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-07T06:23:36.513" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T06:23:36.513" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20178" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20175" CreationDate="2018-12-06T13:40:19.263" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I noticed that you called them a &quot;client&quot;, not an &quot;employer&quot;. Being self-employed makes the situation quite different from that if you were under a contract of employment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you work for an employer you normally have a &quot;job description&quot; which defines what you do for them, but nearly always includes something to the effect of &quot;ad-hoc&quot; tasks, which is vague and can mean anything else relating to the job. Take for example a personal assistant, secretary, or an office junior - these roles are clearly administrative jobs and will &lt;em&gt;mostly&lt;/em&gt; involve office work, and yet in many places of work will be asked to bring drinks to their boss throughout the day, or perhaps prepare drinks for visiting clients. They would accept it as part of the job.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, many self-employed persons like yourself rely on the loyalty of clients for income and will do a certain amount of &quot;entertaining&quot; of clients. This could involve taking clients for dinner occasionally or buying them a gift at holidays. Many clients expect this, and consider these things as rewards for loyalty.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my job, I enjoy a measure of protection because of the employment laws of the country in which I live, as well as the fact my large employer has a proper human resource policy and dedicated department. My managers cannot force me to do anything unreasonable because they are beheld to the same employment policy that I am. I would quite comfortably go to my manager and say something like: &quot;&lt;em&gt;The expectation of me to prepare drinks for my colleagues has to stop. I feel that I am being treated differently from my colleagues that have the same role as me because of my nationality. Can I please ask you to ensure that I am not asked to do this non-contractual task again?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, &lt;strong&gt;as you are &lt;em&gt;self-employed&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt; and these are your &lt;em&gt;clients&lt;/em&gt;, I think you need to ask yourself what the consequences would be if you stopped doing this for them, no matter how polite. Are you easily replaceable? Is this not &quot;entertaining clients&quot;, as described above? (Incidentally, in my country &quot;entertaining clients&quot; is a tax-deductible expense! You could actually save a bit of money by keeping record of the costs of the ingredients!)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you are certain that you want it to end, you have considered the possible consequences and you are not afraid them, then the most polite way I can think of would be to say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm glad you enjoy my drink. Getting the ingredients to make it on such a regular basis has become very time-consuming and something of a chore for me. I will try to surprise you with it on special occasions but I may not be able to make it every two weeks as I have been doing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives them a valid reason for the change, and does not rule out completely you ever doing it for them again in the future. It may even be more well received if you surprise them on occasions, as it will be more of a &quot;special treat&quot; than just something routine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-12-06T13:45:34.993" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T13:45:34.993" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20179" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20166" CreationDate="2018-12-06T13:59:09.823" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When I first met my fiancee we were in a similar position. She was in talks to take over a dance studio over 1000 miles away from the city we live in, which would have required her to move. A previous relationship of hers had ended because of long distance issues, so she was a little bit hesitant. We had a conversation about this about a month into our relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How I handled the situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is the basic flow of our conversation&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her: I might have to move 1000 miles away in 6-8 months.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Me: Well, if things get serious between us, I would be willing to move in order to stay with you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice that I kept everything hypothetical and conditional upon the state of our relationship at the time of any potential relocation. Moving a long distance for someone you just met would be viewed by many people as being a bit creepy. On the other hand, moving a long distance for someone with whom you are in a serious relationship will generally be seen as a romantic gesture. By speaking hypothetically, I was able to convey that I would be willing to do the romantic gesture, but not the creepy one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How it turned out&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, my fiancee didn't end up moving, so the possibility of long distance/me moving with her never became a reality. What did happen is that she told me after the fact that my willingness to move for her &lt;em&gt;under the right circumstances&lt;/em&gt; was one of the first things that made her start falling in love with me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2019-04-12T20:07:55.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20181" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20166" CreationDate="2018-12-06T16:20:35.217" Score="14" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They rejected the idea of a date because &amp;quot;at the moment [they're] not emotionally available&amp;quot;, since they recently came out of a long term relationship. The breakup seems to have been caused by distance (as in &amp;quot;an ocean and half a continent&amp;quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Because of this, I have the impression that they are afraid of ending up again in a &amp;quot;distance&amp;quot; situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless there's more to the story, I am not sure how this follows - they said the reason is that they just had a breakup and they're not emotionally ready for a new relationship. If they are not interested in beginning a relationship with you at this time, and gave you reasons, it's quite disrespectful to argue about that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having been through a couple rough breakups myself, I know it can take a long time to recover. I had a friend ask me out a couple weeks after a breakup, and I knew I was nowhere near ready and said so. He tried to argue at first (think &amp;quot;ok, so when will you be ready for a relationship&amp;quot;)... not cool, because it felt like pressuring me into committing to things that I wasn't ready for. Fortunately, he did accept that, and we were able to move past it and stay friends.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My second LDR - we're married and live together now! - did start with me knowing how serious he wanted to be. This made it extra daunting to accept, but &lt;em&gt;because I was otherwise open to dating him&lt;/em&gt;, we had a long talk (several, really) about what our future might look like when we first got together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like to communicate to them that, in the case we would be together, and they would decide to go back to the US, I would be up to relocate with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible to communicate this without sounding &amp;quot;stalkerish&amp;quot;? (i.e.: I'd like to avoid sounding like &amp;quot;if you move, I'll follow you no matter what&amp;quot;, since if I would not be in a relationship, I'm very happy in the EU and I'd like to avoid the US)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's going to be hard to say this because moving for someone can be a scary idea. Moving apartments is a big deal, moving &lt;em&gt;continents&lt;/em&gt; even more so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my first LDR, my boyfriend talked about moving to me, after we'd dated a while. This made me pretty uncomfortable for a few reasons:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He had no job, no friends, no family in my area. I feared that I would be solely responsible for his social life and happiness.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;On that note, what if he didn’t actually like the area? What if he missed his hometown more than he expected? Would he resent me for that and it would sour our relationship?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It was way more commitment than I was ready for. What if the relationship didn’t work out? I felt like I wouldn’t be able to just... break up with him anymore, not after he’d gone through all that to be with me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Note I’m not saying these things would necessarily be &lt;em&gt;true&lt;/em&gt;, but that is how I &lt;em&gt;felt&lt;/em&gt;. And it’s not just me - I was active in an LDR forum for several years, and these same concerns were posted pretty regularly by people who were potentially having their partner move to them.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, you’re not even in a relationship with them yet, there’s no indication that they might be open to that later -- and you want to know how to let them know that you’d be open to moving countries for them if that changes? &lt;strong&gt;I’m really tempted to say you can’t&lt;/strong&gt;, because this is something that people who have been dating for years still struggle with, and you’re jumping several steps ahead and second-guessing their reasons. That’ll make nearly anyone uncomfortable, let alone somebody who is still getting over their last relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, the “creepiness” comes from focusing on the details of you two having a serious, long-term relationship when in fact, you have been turned down. So, the way to talk about being open to their country without being “stalker-ish” is to &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; tie it to “if we ever date”, but &lt;strong&gt;instead, talk about reasons you are open to visiting or living there independent of them.&lt;/strong&gt; For instance, “I’d love to visit the Grand Canyon someday, that area of the country looks beautiful. Have you been there?” Or, “I think it’d be really interesting to live in New York City for a couple years, if only to see what it’s like, I’ve heard so much about it.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don’t force it, though.&lt;/strong&gt; For one, it can come across as clingy and desperate. But for your own sake, even though right now it may seem like you’d be able to bear anything if it meant you could date this amazing person, try to keep reality in mind. That same LDR forum I mentioned earlier also got posts every so often by people who thought the same thing until they actually moved and lived there for a few months, only to realize they couldn’t stand everyday life in a city, or a small town, or a country that speaks a different language... it usually didn't end well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So for now, just be honest and genuine in your interest with this person and their home country, and take this time as an opportunity to build up a friendship where you naturally learn more about each other’s backgrounds. If there comes a time in the future when they are otherwise open to a relationship with you, you can have the talk about moving then.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3171" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T16:20:35.217" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20182" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20187" CreationDate="2018-12-06T16:56:10.607" Score="12" ViewCount="1247" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am a 38-year-old female and I am overweight (5'3&quot;, 210 lbs). I occasionally make remarks about my weight in conversations with friends. I don't do it in a self-deprecating way; I just mention it as a point of fact (e.g. &quot;I am too fat to wear those jeans anymore&quot;). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My friends, though, are quick to say &quot;oh, you're not fat&quot; or just change the subject quickly. My friends are both males and females. I'm not &quot;happy&quot; with my weight, but it is what it is and I accept that I value unhealthy food over working out. How can I convey to my friends that I am comfortable with my body image?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23104" LastEditorUserId="6662" LastEditDate="2019-06-16T15:06:57.923" LastActivityDate="2019-06-16T15:06:57.923" Title="How to Address My Weight in Conversations With Friends" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20183" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20182" CreationDate="2018-12-06T17:47:50.060" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;Based on the example you provided, the remarks about your weight in conversations with your friends seem to be negative.  Your friends seem to be picking up on this which is probably why they want to try to re-assure you that there is nothing wrong or avoid the subject completely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Rather than saying &quot; I am too fat...&quot; you can say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't think those jeans look good on me&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'll be buying some better fitting jeans&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With these statement you are demonstrating that you accept your current image and rather than attempting to change yourself you are changing your accessories ( the jeans ).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22700" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T17:47:50.060" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20184" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-06T19:15:20.150" Score="5" ViewCount="501" Body="&lt;p&gt;I can't live with this situation any more. Every Morning I enter the kitchen there is a huge mess. Dirty pots, plates and food leftovers. I am really not that fussy but I appreciate a general cleanliness. Of course I don't want to clean up after her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Every time I try to motivate her to clean up together, she comes up with excuses such as &quot;I have to go to sleep / uni / an appointment&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I already tried to talk to her about this issue several times. However, she blocks completely and mentions her ten euro mixer I accidently broke. I feel like with this 'argumentation' she tries to put herself in a better position and just tries to avoid the real issue...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;About my current situation:&#xA;We are both doing a semester abroad and live together since three months. Effectively, we are only going to live two more months together. After that, I think I  won't see here again, still I'd love to live in harmony and a clean flat for the remaining two months. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23105" LastActivityDate="2018-12-09T04:53:08.320" Title="How do I get my flat mate to clean up after herself?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;flatmates&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20185" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20182" CreationDate="2018-12-06T19:16:33.850" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Just tell them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Keep it light, keep it brief, and keep in mind that many people, regardless of their own body size, find body issue topics uncomfortable, so don't be too quick to force them to engage too intensely if they seem upset by the discussion-- they may be struggling with their own body image and find 'body talk' upsetting or triggering.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But here's an example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You:  Hm, I'm too fat to wear that style.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Friend: Aww, you're not fat!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  You: Fat is just a description, not an insult. I am fat, but I'm still gorgeous!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15900" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-06T19:33:40.427" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T19:33:40.427" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20187" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20182" CreationDate="2018-12-06T21:23:35.987" Score="12" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background: I have a friend who is fat but confident and happy with her body, and below are what I have found helped myself and others understand that she is happy and has no desire to change.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Overall, the best way for you to convey your comfort with your body image is by your tone and the language you use.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My first recommendation is to avoid the word 'fat'&lt;/strong&gt;.  As confident as &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; are with owning this word as a descriptor for yourself with no negativity attached, society has used the word fat as a way to shame people.  When your friends hear this word, their first reaction is likely to be &quot;&lt;em&gt;But you're not fat!&lt;/em&gt;&quot; because it may make them feel like they're doing you injustice or hurting your feelings if they were to agree with you (or not rebuttal).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead of saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm too fat for these jeans anymore.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try finding a sentence that says the same thing, minus the word 'fat', such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't fit into these jeans anymore.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't fit into these jeans since I gained some weight.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My second recommendation would be to not skip a beat after these statements&lt;/strong&gt;.  If you say &quot;I'm too fat to do X&quot; and pause, not only are your friends potentially feeling the need to rebuttal you due to the reason I mentioned above, &lt;em&gt;but&lt;/em&gt; it's likely if there is a pause in the conversation that they may also feel obligated to fill in the silence with a response.  For example, instead of just one of the sentences above, you could try saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I don't fit into these jeans anymore, but I'm planning on grabbing some new ones here soon!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This gives your friends an alternative path to continue the conversation, without leaving them in a position that may be awkward or where they feel they need to justify your weight to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My third and final recommendation is that if you are confident, always act it.&lt;/strong&gt;  Since weight tends to be a touchy subject in our culture, don't just &lt;em&gt;say&lt;/em&gt; you're comfortable - &lt;em&gt;live&lt;/em&gt; by it.  Use positive, confident body language when you're talking about your weight to let people know you're comfortable.  The above examples have focused on how to phrase the &lt;em&gt;limitations&lt;/em&gt; of weighing more, but don't forget to admire yourself!  Look for ways to compliment yourself for how you look and voice those when they come up, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I love these jeans, they compliment me well, what do you think?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's my opinion that doing the above will help speed up this process of getting your friends as comfortable as you are, but the most important action is to always continue to love and own yourself and your body. Your friends will catch on with time, regardless of what steps you take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T21:23:35.987" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20188" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20184" CreationDate="2018-12-06T22:11:12.930" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Sounds like you're stuck there for the next two months, without much leverage.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try this: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey, I'm really concerned about vermin and insects.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  Can you please help me feel better by rinsing off the dishes and pots before you go to bed?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This puts it as a favor to you (rather than &quot;let's clean up&quot; which she's resisted).  &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're making a concession (since you're asking for rinsing instead of cleaning).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is it possible to keep one setting (knife, spoon, fork, plate, cup/glass, and maybe even a pot) in your room; for just your use?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After your request stop cleaning anything that you don't immediately need. Let her run out of stuff (knives, spoons, forks, plates, and cups/glasses).  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It still may not do any good, but if you can stomach it that's worth a try.  Also, it may take a while for her to realize you're seriously not going to clean up after her if you already have.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's also a chance that she's doing this out of spite.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;You can maybe ask her if she's angry at you if she continues to not rinse/clean.  Given the described situation, I'd expect she is more likely to not tell you what's bothering her and keep being passive aggressive - but you've got nothing to lose if the above suggestion doesn't work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9927" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T22:11:12.930" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20189" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20182" CreationDate="2018-12-06T22:41:03.790" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;First congratulations on the self awareness within the statement &quot;I'm not '&lt;em&gt;happy&lt;/em&gt;' with my weight, but... I value unhealthy food over working out.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, your problem is partially that you're following a conversation pattern which many people do, and &lt;em&gt;those people&lt;/em&gt; expect to be told that they aren't fat by their friends no matter what their weight.  JessK's answer covers how this could be happening if you pause after saying you're fat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And finally, there are some people (1) that - no matter how you feel - will argue &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; against &quot;I'm fat&quot; and &quot;I need to lose weight&quot;. (Assuming you say them on different days, not one after the other)  Give those people some grace :-)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(1) I have people in my life that will tell me I don't need to lose weight even though my doctor says I need to lose X pounds. I haven't found that anything works with this small number of people except to not mention it - because they seem to thing that they're 'saving me' or something. If you identify that you're dealing with one of those people... my advice is to not reference your weight at all around them - you can't fix them, because they think that they are helping you.  I cannot even say something like &quot;I need to get into the gym more often&quot; without pushback - even when I say, &quot;It isn't really about my weight I just meant that I need to get in cardio to stay healthy.&quot;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;If you fix it with most people, the outliers won't bug you as much.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="9927" LastEditorUserId="9927" LastEditDate="2018-12-07T14:30:21.260" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T14:30:21.260" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20190" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20174" CreationDate="2018-12-06T23:58:33.207" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm not sure what is common in your culture, but in the Upper Midwestern U.S. I would fear that the existing answer to say you &quot;feel bad&quot; for not paying and then asking if you can pay is sort of inviting the other person to reassure you and deny the request (even if they'd prefer you pay). I don't know why we choose to communicate this backwards way, but we do. I think I am agreeing with @Spagirl's comment here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, from your question I am assuming that A) You intended to pay for the tickets all along, and B) Because of some technical difficulty or inconvenience, the other person did the actual step of making the purchase - I know I've been in this situation several times with friends especially when tickets are in demand or are otherwise a hassle to get. A tactful way would be to suggest/offer a &lt;em&gt;way&lt;/em&gt; to pay them back, that way you don't set up a yes/no question on the topic of whether you will pay.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;They can still step in and offer that you don't need to pay if they intend to keep the cost, but you've shifted the &quot;status quo&quot; to be in the area of you paying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some options: &quot;Do you use (payment app) so I can send you money for the tickets?&quot; &quot;Do you mind if we stop at the cash machine so I can pay you back for the tickets?&quot; etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3089" LastActivityDate="2018-12-06T23:58:33.207" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20191" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20182" CreationDate="2018-12-07T08:18:13.617" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;When you say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm too fat for these jeans anymore.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You put your friends into a position where they have 3 options.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Be polite and deflect your statement by saying &quot;aww, you're not fat&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Agree with you, which even if it's true in your eyes, can be considered very rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3) Say nothing, which is also quite rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most people would obviously go with option 1.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To still address your weight but not put your friends in that awkward position, you could mention your body image but not make it the main point of your statement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ooh, I think I'm too big for these jeans, would you know any great&#xA;  jeans stores?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, your friends can continue the conversation naturally but not have to respond to the &quot;I'm too fat&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21196" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T08:18:13.617" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20192" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20182" CreationDate="2018-12-07T11:05:02.177" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm glad that you are comfortable with your body image. I don't think anybody should feel guilt or shame over how they look, and so-called &quot;body-shaming&quot; is, to me, as bad as any other kind of hateful name-calling about race, gender or otherwise. But there is no escaping the fact that &quot;fat&quot; is a derogatory term. Saying that you are comfortable with your body image and happily use the term to describe yourself in a way that is not self-deprecating is obviously not the same as saying it is okay to use that word to describe someone else. If someone shouted &quot;FAT!&quot; at you in public, you wouldn't think they were paying you a compliment just because you say it about yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When your friends hear you call yourself &quot;fat&quot;, they are always going to hear an insult, and their response is always going to be one that tries to make you feel better about yourself because that is what friends do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ignoring any known health issues surrounding being overweight due to eating &quot;unhealthy food&quot; and not exercising, as you state is true in your case - if you really want to present yourself as happy with your body image you should perhaps consider using terms other than &quot;fat&quot; to describe yourself. As I am a man I am a little hesitant to suggest terms that a woman may use instead, but perhaps &lt;em&gt;curvy&lt;/em&gt;? At least that word (or others like it) describe a &lt;em&gt;natural&lt;/em&gt; body shape rather than &quot;fat&quot; which does imply an excess of body fat on top of the frame that nature gave us. If there isn't a substitute word you are comfortable with, just refer to &quot;my body shape&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, in your example statement you said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I am too &lt;em&gt;fat&lt;/em&gt; to wear those jeans &lt;em&gt;anymore&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you really want people to accept your body shape as being &quot;what it is&quot; then perhaps you should also avoid terms that suggest you are getting &lt;em&gt;progressively fatter&lt;/em&gt;, like the word &quot;anymore&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you just said:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I don't have the body shape for those jeans.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This makes the same statement but without any derogatory connotations or suggestion that your body shape is worsening.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; an underlying health issue associated with being overweight, which is not the purpose of your question and not the purpose of this site to address. However, I would hope that your friends are not only kind enough to say you're not fat when you say you are, but are also honest friends that would intervene and say something if you were actually damaging your health.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-12-07T11:35:56.673" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T11:35:56.673" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20193" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20199" CreationDate="2018-12-07T12:27:13.797" Score="18" ViewCount="5223" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am 24 and my girlfriend is 25, we have been dating for 4 years now. She is from a smaller town, moved to the city for study about 6 years ago, I've been living here for my whole life. Now we both working, she is sharing 3 bedroom rented apartment in the city center with 2 other girls (friends of her from the same town) and I am still living with my parents and grandparents in our house. She is comfortable in that apartment and have enought income to pay rent and still not limit herself at her expenses. Recently my parents gave me an apartment in one of sleeping quarters of our city and I got a new job with higher salary and so I am ready to move out from parent's house to my own apartment.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For my whole life I was living with both my parents and grandparents (my mother's parents only), so I never had a chance to stay on my own. I've had my own room, but never was alone at home and even if my parents was at work, my grandparents was always trying to communicate with me. I love my grandparents but kinda didn't have enough my personal space and was very happy to stay home alone for some time even if I wasn't doing anything special during that time. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now when I ready to move to my own apartment, considering that me and my girlfriend are dating for a long time now, we supposed to move in together. But I notice that I don't want to. Not yet. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Notes&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;It's important to note that I love that girl and pretty sure that she loves me. I want to live with her, but just not now. There is everything ok with that girl, it's just about me. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I understand that such a thoughts seems strange and completely wrong and I am feeling bad and ashamed for that. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am afraid that telling her all of this straightforward will hurt her and affect our relationship in a very bad way.  Also I am afraid she won't understand that there is nothing wrong with her. &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;The Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I speak to her with this topic without hurting her feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any alternative solutions of this problem will be highly appreciated. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23111" LastEditorUserId="23111" LastEditDate="2018-12-07T12:57:50.567" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T17:45:15.137" Title="How to politely tell my girlfriend that I want to live on my own for some time" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20194" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20193" CreationDate="2018-12-07T16:03:40.150" Score="2" Body="&lt;h3&gt;tl;dr: I see two good options: be direct, explaining to your girlfriend your desire to have the experience of living on your own, or be oblique and talk about living alone in a way that allows for a discussion.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The direct approach:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love you and want our relationship to keep progressing, but I feel like I need to have experienced living on my own, at least for a while.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The direct approach is attractive because it is clear, leaving less room for (mis)interpretation on your girlfriend's part. Even if you are concerned that she will feel hurt, those concerns are non-unique to this approach. Any sort of lie, evasion, or excuse carries the exact same risks, plus the risk of additional hurt as a result of your indirection. &lt;strong&gt;If what you are worried about is that she will be upset you are not moving in together, and she in fact would be upset, there will be no way to avoid that if you live by yourself.&lt;/strong&gt; I say this not to suggest that you are guaranteed to hurt your girlfriend, but that the effects of your decision will exist no matter what approach you take if the overall scenario is one she doesn't like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The indirect approach:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't recommend this, because there are a thousand ways that your girlfriend could read things into the situation that you did not intend, and you won't necessarily be privy to that information (and therefore won't be able to account for/improve things). But, if you don't want to inform her of why your preference for living alone right now exists, you can casually talk about your new apartment, plans you have for it, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It will be important to be ready for a conversation-- if your girlfriend objects to things, or has questions, you will need to address them or else risk appearing dismissive and uninterested in her. That will cause additional strain on your relationship, beyond this issue in itself. You may want to proactively ask about her feelings, to avoid her quietly nurturing some unhappiness, but this will quickly turn into (1) anyways, in which case you may as well be direct from the outset.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;An additional risk to being indirect is ending up with your girlfriend as an informal roommate. If you maintain separate residences, but she comes over to your new place five nights a week, you may not get the &amp;quot;living on your own&amp;quot; experience you're wanting. And if you have a problem with her coming over so often, you'll need to explain why (failing to do so again risks lots of misunderstandings, which won't help your relationship). That, again, brings us back to (1).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Background:&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your worries are understandable, but are probably less pressing than you imagine. Living independently is a valuable experience, and time to yourself is important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First, the social expectation that you are &amp;quot;supposed&amp;quot; to move in with your girlfriend by now is far from absolute. There are a lot of people that would find it scandalous and inappropriate for you two to move in together while unmarried at any point, and a lot of people that would think it's crazy you hadn't moved in together after dating for a much shorter period of time. The only perspectives that really matter are yours and your girlfriend's.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're not required to live together at any point while dating, and my personal experience is that while cohabiting is pretty common among people by the time they reach your age many of those people regret doing so as quickly as they did. &lt;strong&gt;That you feel you are &amp;quot;supposed&amp;quot; to move in together because of some arbitrary criterion is a terrible reason to move in together.&lt;/strong&gt; That probably won't remove the sense of pressure you may feel, but to the extent that you are able to not consider that feeling in making your decisions you will likely be better off. There is nothing to feel ashamed about here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Second, while it's important to tend to your girlfriend and your relationship with her (those are separate considerations, by the way), you also need to tend to yourself. Having a need, or even a strong preference, isn't something you need to dismiss only because it's &amp;quot;just&amp;quot; for you personally. That's not to say that you should pursue your own self-interest at all times no matter what, but you don't need to feel guilty about wanting something for yourself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The wrinkle here is that you have been &amp;quot;slower to launch&amp;quot; than your girlfriend. While living outside of your parents' house will be a new experience for you, your girlfriend has already done so for years. There are a lot of benefits to staying with your parents as you have done (presumably convenience and financial benefits), but it's unreasonable to expect that you can claim those benefits without any tradeoffs at all. If it turns out to be really important to your girlfriend that you move in together soon, you may have &amp;quot;missed&amp;quot; your opportunity to live alone while still dating her. Living alone is something that you want, generally; relationship items are things that your girlfriend needs from you, specifically. These aren't symmetrical.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your girlfriend is fine with you living alone for a year or two, after which you start living together, then everything's great. If she's eager for your relationship to advance to living together, she may not be excited to delay things to accommodate the conveniences you've already enjoyed. A major benefit of the direct approach is that you can find out about her feelings immediately, and address them as needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your desire seems reasonable to me, but your girlfriend's desires count as well. If you living alone at this point bothers her, but you insist on doing it anyways, then it's a natural consequence that your relationship will suffer a bit. It boils down to whether or not she wants this now, and if so how badly she wants it. Talking to her is the only way you're going to be able to determine and address these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T16:03:40.150" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20196" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20193" CreationDate="2018-12-07T17:05:36.363" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think your desire to live on your own is completely understandable, I was in a similar situation until a few years back when I moved out of my parents and bought my own place. I don't think this desire would be completely foreign to your girlfriend either although I can see how there could be some conflicting emotions that could confuse her.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think this could be largely avoided if you prepared a list of how living on your own would benefit the relationship in the long run, this way you are showing her that this is not a decision you are taking lightly and that you have your future with her in mind when you are thinking about this.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some of the benefits I would expect you could gain from living alone is that you get a better appreciation of how much work goes into maintaining a clean home, you certainly wouldn't want to move in together and end up constantly fighting about &quot;that mess in the corner&quot; or some such. You also get an appreciation for cooking and grocery shopping, setting your own budget for all these new expenses and managing your time on your own.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm sure there are more things I'm forgetting, basically think of all the responsibilities your parents and grandparents help to take care of at home, you don't want to move out without having experience taking on those responsibilities yourself.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think Euchris's idea of a deadline could help however as you mention you may still not feel ready to move in together and you don't want to feel like you've broken a commitment so instead of a deadline I would say schedule fairly regular check ins where you and your girlfriend will sit down and talk about how you're both feeling about moving in again. This way you're not breaking any commitment if you're not ready and shows that you don't want this to be a closed conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T17:05:36.363" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20197" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20184" CreationDate="2018-12-07T17:11:50.633" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First, you should address the mixer that you admittedly broke.  Either replace the mixer or reimburse her for the value of the mixer.  This way, she will not be able to hold the broken mixer against you any longer and avoid the real issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With regards to the mess, you can attempt to talk to her after the mixer issue has been dealt with.  Say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Hey Roommate, I enjoy living with you but I was wondering if you could help out with keeping the kitchen area clean.  When I make a mess in the kitchen, I go ahead and clean it and I think that the kitchen area would be nicer if we both cleaned up after ourselves.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;After speaking to her, you need to stop cleaning for her.  She is never going to try to change her behavior if you constantly do her work for her.  If these are shared items, you may have to resort to maintaining some items for your own personal use that you keep away from the kitchen area.  It will probably be difficult at first but if she needs those items to be clean, she will eventually have to clean them and hopefully will develop a habit of cleaning them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22700" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T17:11:50.633" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20199" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20193" CreationDate="2018-12-07T17:45:15.137" Score="10" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Some background about me&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in the shoes of the girl. I had to move out, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to move in together (we've been together for 3 years at that point), and he refused. He loved me, but he was living alone at the time and didn't want to give up that up yet. We moved in together 2 years later.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;My response&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would be honest with her, and as soon as possible. Although you two never had a real discussion about living together, from your comment it seems there's a real possibility she thinks she'll move in with you. If she has already started the moving out process in her current apartment, things will be much harder, so tell her quickly !&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There's nothing wrong or shameful about your desire to live alone, so I'd be honest with her and tell her what you've told us: that you love her, and see a future with her, but that you'd like to live on your own for a while before moving in with her. That you absolutely want to live with her at some point, just not right now. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some tips and remarks : &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1/ &lt;strong&gt;People take their cues from you&lt;/strong&gt;. If you're nervous in a conversation, you'll make the other person nervous. If you talk about something terribly, they'll think something terrible is happening. If you're calm and warm, you'll put the other person at ease, and convey that there's no problem here, let's just chat. So don't be negative : don't apologize non stop, don't degrade yourself. Be warm and loving, and then keep the focus of the conversation on your reasons for wanting this, and not insisting it isn't her (when someone says &quot;it's not you, it's me&quot;, the other person always thinks the opposite). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2/ &lt;strong&gt;This is a discussion&lt;/strong&gt;. Once you've said your piece, hear her out. Listen. She'll be at least a little hurt, and she has a right to express this. This doesn't mean you're a terrible person and that you should grovel at her feet and apologize. But she deserves to be heard and to have her feelings validated. You'll also be able to reassure her more effectively.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3/ &lt;strong&gt;Take the opportunity to talk more broadly about the future&lt;/strong&gt;. Having some plans, a timeline, or just knowing you're both on the same page (but that it will just take a bit more time to get there) could reassure her. But without this, I think it's important you two have a big talk about your future, because something tells me you've not really done that (hinting around living together, being &quot;pretty sure&quot; she loves you).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;4/ Maybe ask her about her own experience, being able to live more independently (she didn't live alone, but having roommates is very different from living with family or a significant other). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Back to me&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What helped me when my boyfriend told me he didn't want to live with me was him being kind, warm, telling me he loves me and explaining why he likes to live alone (the wording is important : it's not &quot;I don't want to live with you&quot; but &quot;I like to live alone&quot;, the focus is on him, not on me). It still hurt, but at the end of the discussion I was secure in our relationship and I knew that he wanted us to live together, just not now. I was also able to express my needs, my insecurities and what I wished for the future (I didn't want to wait 5 years to live together, we wanted kids so there was a timeline, and he agreed with me). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21195" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T17:45:15.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20200" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20201" CreationDate="2018-12-07T19:28:29.817" Score="10" ViewCount="830" Body="&lt;h1&gt;My Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When people give me large amounts of information, I will take plenty of time to process it before giving a response.  The amount of time I take usually ranges from 30 seconds to a few minutes depending on the amount of information and whether or not it is about a subject that I am well versed in. Over the course of my life I have developed a reputation of having strong opinions and being very blunt in sharing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These two things combine to cause some issues for me at work. Often times, when someone is giving me feedback about my performance, they will tell me the feedback they have and then ask me if I understand it. When I don't give an immediate response (because I'm still trying to process the information), my coworkers often assume that I disagree with them and am going to push back against their feedback which leads them to become defensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It is worth noting that my needing extra processing time might be related to the fact that I am on the autism spectrum, which the co-workers with whom I have this issue are aware of.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What I've Tried&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried a couple of different things to indicate that I am just trying to process the information. The two main things have been putting my hand on my chin in a very obvious way to indicate that I'm thinking and verbalizing my intent with something along the lines of&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Let me think about that for a minute&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have not seen any difference in my interactions when I've tried using either of these things.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;My Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I use body language to convey to other people that I am just taking time to process information rather than disagreeing with it?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2018-12-09T01:42:45.487" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T10:34:00.273" Title="How do I use body language to indicate that I am thinking?" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;&lt;non-verbal-communication&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20201" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20200" CreationDate="2018-12-07T20:34:29.780" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;When I need time to think, I usually raise my hand to do the &quot;wait&quot; signal (palm open), then I lower my eyes (indication that I'm not open to talking), slightly frowning my brows (indication that I'm thinking on a difficult topic) and, to accentuate this, I can also do small movements with my other hand like I'm counting something.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Do &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; look at the other while you are not ready to talk. Looking someone in the eyes is a sign a lot of people use to indicate that they want to talk to you and/or are listening to you. Since you do not want to talk to them, don't do it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if they are trying to press you into answering, you can briefly look at them (or not) but don't forget to &quot;accentuate&quot; your &quot;wait&quot; hand signal (by accentuating, I mean making a dry gesture so that their attention is attracted toward your wait signal).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is a technic that I use often and it works for me, however, I usually only need it in cases where some thinking can be expected.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know you have asked about non-verbal communication here. However, I would strongly suggest you to also find ways to solve this situation with verbal communication. Especially when you need to think for a while. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, saying &quot;Wait&quot; when the other person is trying to press you into answering can only make your message stronger (but might came across as a bit rude because it makes people feel rejected while only using the non-verbal communication is a &quot;softer&quot; way to say the same thing). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;--&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I will also encourage you to try to &quot;buy time&quot; to think in every way you can. A minute can be a very long time when someone is waiting for an answer and they might be more satisfied with you if they don't feel like they are doing nothing when waiting for your answer. A technic commonly used by people on the autistic spectrum is, for example, to reformulate what the other person just said. This will (hopefully) allow you to process things while not leaving a blanc in the conversation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;--&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another possible solution is simply to ask for a short break. Saying something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do you mind if we take a break? You said a lot of things and I need some time to order my thought.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way, you have more time to process things without the other person pressing you for feedback. Plus, they might actually be happy for this opportunity to go to the bathroom/check their phone/etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-08T10:05:26.980" LastActivityDate="2018-12-08T10:05:26.980" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20202" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20200" CreationDate="2018-12-07T21:49:38.390" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;30 seconds or even longer is an &lt;strong&gt;extremely&lt;/strong&gt; long time for someone waiting for a response. For comparison: if a computer program doesn't react for 8 seconds, most people assume it's frozen or crashed. But you are a human, you're not supposed to freeze or crash. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The people talking to you don't know what's going on in your head for so long. They don't know how to react to your lack of response and feel awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you can, you should give some feedback while you process all the information. Think of a download bar in a computer program: you don't get the response you want, but at the same time you know that there will be a response in the near future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;While processing the information given to you, you can repeat or summarize some bits of it to let the person know that you are thinking right now &lt;strong&gt;and&lt;/strong&gt; that you understood what they told you. This doesn't have to be a two-way conversation, it's enough for you to list the thoughts you are processing right now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the other person starts talking and disrupting your thoughts, you can tell them&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Please give me a moment to sort through everything you just told me. I want to make sure I haven't misunderstood or missed anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might be a good idea to ask the person talking to you for a short break in the conversation to be able to process less information in less time. When there is an obvious change of topic, you can say something to create a little break to process the information before the conversation starts again with the next topic. Again, summarizing the facts while you process them works well. Otherwise, you need to ask for some time to think and then indicate that you are ready to continnue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Can you give me a moment to think about (last topic)?   &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  I need a second to order my thoughts.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;... &lt;em&gt;thinking pose&lt;/em&gt; ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Ok so you think that (very short summary). Now, you wanted to talk about (next topic) &lt;em&gt;or&lt;/em&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  So, basically you said (very short summary). Now, we where at (next topic).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T21:49:38.390" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20203" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20200" CreationDate="2018-12-07T22:26:23.130" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Another &quot;thinking&quot; gesture that might buy you a little more time, and be more reassuring to others is &lt;em&gt;slowly&lt;/em&gt; and repeatedly nodding your head while looking off to one side. While a normal nod indicates that you agree with something, a slow small nod indicates that you are still thinking about the subject, but don't have a question or concern at the moment. It's also useful when people are talking, to reassure them that you are listening carefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;See the #6 &quot;Let me think about that&quot; nod on &lt;a href=&quot;https://thecooperreview.com/9-nodding-strategies-for-your-next-meeting/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;this page&lt;/a&gt; for an example.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2865" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T22:26:23.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20204" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20205" CreationDate="2018-12-07T23:16:36.077" Score="1" ViewCount="356" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a pair of friends who I like to hang out with a great deal. We like to go out once a week.  However, one of these friends refuses to go to any bar more than a few miles from his house. I end up having to travel 30 miles or more to hang out with them.  The refusing friend contends that he is unable to travel to my side of town. The refusing friend is not impaired though he does have a somewhat demanding job (no over time challenging deadlines white collar work).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I feel that this is unfair. Why should I always drive the extra distance? I'm not unwilling to drive 30 miles 6 or 8 times a week, but I expect some level of parity -- the 7th or 9th time it would be nice if he came out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have tried stating that it would be nice to go to my side of town. He gave me the empty promise of saying we could do that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have suggested well known bars on my side of town. He always refuses.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Most recently I spoke with the other friend involved and made plans with him and him alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What would be the best way to argue my position? My goal, again, is to achieve some level of parity.  Note that he can be extremely standoffish and sees himself as an expert even if himself as an expert.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8812" LastActivityDate="2018-12-08T02:24:34.253" Title="Difficult friend refuses to compromise regarding social outings" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;difficult-people&gt;&lt;socializing&gt;&lt;friend-groups&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" ClosedDate="2018-12-10T07:01:02.497" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20205" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20204" CreationDate="2018-12-07T23:58:04.427" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;He's not willing to argue, he's only willing to refuse. He apparently told you that he &lt;em&gt;can't&lt;/em&gt; go to your side of town, only to later tell you that he can (though he backed out, so we don't &lt;em&gt;know&lt;/em&gt; that he actually can or cannot). Without knowing what his actual reason for refusing to travel to your side is, there isn't going to be any meaningful strategy for discussing this with him. Argumentation is irrelevant when all he will say about his position is &quot;no&quot;. If you currently have, or someday receive, some other information, the situation may be different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only remaining options are to continue to cater to him (which you don't want to do, hence this question) or to elide him, even if that means you don't get to hang out with him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I would do is be more assertive about the social outings themselves, and focus less on accommodating this friend. Pick places and times when you and Friend 1 will hang out, and &lt;em&gt;inform&lt;/em&gt; Friend 2 of this. He's invited to an already planned outing, not helping to plan that outing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you and Friend 1 agree that this week you'll go to Bar A near Friend 2's home, then great, everyone can hang out easily. If you and Friend 1 agree that next week you'll go to Bar X on your side of town, tell Friend 2 the plan and then let him choose to come or not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't have to do this every time (though if you do, Friend 2 might better understand the message), but the main point is that Friend 2's refusal to compromise at all leaves you with bending to his wishes or simply not spending that time with him. By refusing to discuss, at all, options that interest you he is abdicating his position in the planning discussions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking Friend 2 about his preferences is meaningless, since you already know what those are, and he hasn't offered a meaningful reason to you for his position or his obstinance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastActivityDate="2018-12-07T23:58:04.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20206" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20204" CreationDate="2018-12-08T02:24:34.253" Score="0" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey [friend].  It's 30 miles to get to your side of town.  &lt;strong&gt;Couldn't you at least meet me half-way?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know if there is anything worth doing halfway between your residences, but if so it's only good manners to agree to split the travel time.  At least this way you're both slightly inconvenienced, instead of it all on one side. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unless he has some actual physical impairment, or financial difficulty, the reasons aren't really important.  We all have reasons.  Friendship means give-and-take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your friend still refuses to do so, then consider cutting back on the number of times you get together, until you reach some level of inconvenience.  There comes a point when it shifts from being &lt;em&gt;annoying&lt;/em&gt; to outright &lt;em&gt;rude&lt;/em&gt;, and while I know the British are famous for tolerating impoliteness, surely forbearance has its limits?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If nothing else, consider the additional travel cost.  Here in the US travel cost is generally measured to be around $0.50 per mile, so 30 miles is about $15 -- $30, if it's 60 miles round-trip -- which is hardly insignificant, especially when it's up to eight times each week.  I don't know about you, but that's a good portion of my mortgage. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastActivityDate="2018-12-08T02:24:34.253" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20207" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20157" CreationDate="2018-12-08T02:35:29.257" Score="1" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Your rights are probably violated, and &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; need to decide what to do with it&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Philibo has provided us with &lt;a href=&quot;https://homelet.co.uk/landlord-insurance/tips/your-rights-for-inspecting-or-viewing-a-property-as-a-landlord&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;a very interesting link&lt;/a&gt;, which practically says that your landlord is breaking your rights:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;h3&gt;Can I Take Other People Into the Property?&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If your tenant has given notice that they want to end the tenancy and move out, you have the right to both conduct visits and show the property to prospective new tenants. However, this only comes into effect during the last 28 days of a standard assured shorthold tenancy agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, there is a lot about this written 24-hour-notice. This is not about &amp;quot;some consideration&amp;quot;, that's about your basic rights as a tenant. Moreover, if the visits become very frequent, according to this article, it might be sufficient for a harassment charge.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now you need to decide what to do with it, and I don't think that we can really help you with it. You might want to proceed directly to the legal stage, and that might actually be better for you. Or you might just need to talk to your landlord about this in person and say that this all distorts your comfort.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It might even turn out that your landlord simply doesn't know that this law exists. In this case, a simple reminder might be enough.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The most important thing, again, is that it should be your choice which action to take.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1581" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-08T02:35:29.257" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20216" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-08T18:30:38.397" Score="16" ViewCount="1708" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm totally clueless in this type of situations.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You meet someone for what is implied a date. After talking to him for an hour or two, you discover you really don't have much in common. Nothing dramatic happens, you just aren't made for each other. You finish your coffee/ beer and then he asks: &quot;What do you want to do next?&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The truth is I want to go home. I'm quite introverted and a nerd with just a few topics I find massively interesting, so unless I have a feeling there could be something between the guy and me, I find it difficult to chitchat for more than 2 h.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What's the most graceful way to finish a date without hurting his feelings?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user17962" LastEditorDisplayName="user17962" LastEditDate="2018-12-08T18:58:10.853" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T20:05:41.870" Title="How to finish a date gracefully?" Tags="&lt;romance&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20217" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20216" CreationDate="2018-12-08T19:25:40.650" Score="19" Body="&lt;p&gt;Don't worry about being introverted or nerdness or anything else like that.  Ending that first date when you're not feeling any connection is hard for everyone.  I know, when I was dating I did a lot of first and second dates, and for me it was best when the date ended with a clear resolution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The way to end a first date when you aren't feeling like you want a second date &#xA; is to &lt;strong&gt;be honest&lt;/strong&gt;.  Just say something like &quot;It was nice meeting you, I think I'm ready to head home now&quot;.  If he asks about a second date, it's fine to say that this was nice but you don't want to get together again.  Plain and simple truth minimizes his hurt feelings, as it makes it clear to the guy that he shouldn't invest any more effort.  The wrong thing to do is to be vague, give him false hope, and make him think that he should be persistent.  Eventually you are going to have to tell him the truth, and if you wait, he will be more emotionally invested and more hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If the guy is persistent in asking for a second date, that's a good sign that you've made the right decision.  Any decent guy needs to accept that no means no.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastEditorUserId="6299" LastEditDate="2018-12-11T21:07:47.817" LastActivityDate="2018-12-11T21:07:47.817" CommentCount="12" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20219" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20184" CreationDate="2018-12-09T04:53:08.320" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;The interpersonal problem here seems to be caused by a difference between personal values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd think you could use a technique I've learned when talking to persons with narcissistic borderline. It uses the acronym CLEAR:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Communicate understanding of the situation&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, Alice. How are you? I feel like we haven't gone along well lately. If there is anything I can do to improve our relationship, please tell me. Perhaps it is because I've broken your mixer? Our maybe it's because I'm often finding a messy kitchen? How about we have a cleaning schedule or some kind of arrangement?&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Legitimatise her feelings and thoughts (try to be genuine, calm, and non-judgemental)&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice: &quot;I'm stressed out. Give me a break! I have to study/work at te university.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: &quot;I see. I can understand that you're stressed out. I understand you are busy with university.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Alice: &quot;You've broken my mixer&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You: &quot;I feel very sorry about breaking your mixer. That was my mistake. Can you wait just a moment? ... &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Surprise! I've bought you a new one&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Express your own feelings and thoughts&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I wonder how it would be if we respected eachother's values more. I think it would be great to keep the shared space clean. I really value hygiene in the kitchen.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Acknowledge the situation, thoughts, and feelings&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;We both have been busy, and have our share of problems. The kitchen is often left behind messy which causes me distress.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Respect: do not ridiculise her interests, give her the freedom to choose who she wants to be or do. It is important to set boundaries in order to self-validate your personal values.&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;How can I help you reach your goals? Although, I'm willing to help you, I'm not cleaning up your mess anymore.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might want to read about &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;validation&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10928" LastActivityDate="2018-12-09T04:53:08.320" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20220" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="19883" CreationDate="2018-12-09T09:12:43.820" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am French and I grow up as a child/teenager as a time where there were only landlines available. And cellphones became widespread when I was at university.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, calling twice in a row would mean that someone really wants or needs to contact me, and I would assume it is an urgent matter. I would be quite annoyed to learn it was just for a pizza, or any petty matter. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think one sufficiently long call is enough for non-urgent calls. If the person you are calling don't answer, there are mostly two reasons: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;they didn't hear their phone or were far from it. Calling again would only help in the former case. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;They didn't want to answer for any reason (busy,...).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In both cases, I think you have the following options: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Note that many landline phones in France come with an answering machine or a voicemail. That's a good idea to use it since it will give you the exact same effect as you initial call: giving the information about the pizza party. If you need the opinion of the other person, you can use the voice message to ask for them to call you back when they see fit, or warn you will call again. If no answering machine or voicemail is available on their phone, they will probably be notified of your call, so they can call you back when they have an opportunity to do so.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If no answering machine or voicemail is available, modern technology gave us many options to convey information: text message, mail, instant messenger, Facebook,... As there was no urgent reason for your call, it is a fine way to convey the information you want and let the other person the freedom to choose when to answer you. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If you used the methods above, you can call again later. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'm afraid that me deciding to call her twice has prompt her to answer because she thought it was important when it wasn't. &lt;strong&gt;She didn't say such a thing so I believe that calling twice is fine.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think you would probably do better by quickly apologizing at the beginning of the second call. There is a nonnegligible possibility that you bothered her, and assuming other people's feeling is not a good idea. No need to say too much, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Sorry to bother you, but do you want to go for a pizza on Wednesday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I hope I am not bothering you. Do you want to go for a pizza on Wednesday?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;should suffice. Make a small break after the &quot;bothering you&quot; part, so that the other person has an opportunity to speak if it is the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5387" LastActivityDate="2018-12-09T09:12:43.820" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20221" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20262" CreationDate="2018-12-09T10:06:03.443" Score="4" ViewCount="962" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a roommate who asks a lot of questions. Most of them are on topics that are more a matter of opinion, such as religion and politics. He is from Colombia and lots of things are new to him, but I also think it may just be his personality.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some questions I don't want to answer because I don't know the answer. Some questions are very subjective. It's starting to stress me out. Here are some examples of what he asks&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;in this country are teachers paid well?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;how long does the coffee stay hot for?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do Protestants take their religion more seriously than Catholics?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;when was the last time there was a strike? what was it about?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is $10 considered a lot to spend on lunch food?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;is it common for people to leave a light on at night?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do most people have a dentist they have used for a long time?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;do you pay tuition to go to school here?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The last one stands out for me because he is a full time student and I know he's actively involved in the campus life (part of clubs) so I find it hard to believe he doesn't already know the answer. This is why I wonder if he's just trying to socialize (which I would like though we need to find a topic of common interest). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I've tried:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;saying &quot;I don't know&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;explaining it's a matter of opinion&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;saying there's too much variability over the country to make a general statement&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These haven't worked well as his reaction is silence and just standing there and I'm afraid I've hurt his feelings. Leaving isn't always an option if I'm cooking something when he's there. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any alternatives? Do some of these questions make more sense in Colombia, for example are all teachers in Colombia paid the same? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23122" LastEditorUserId="23122" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T10:25:17.023" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T10:25:17.023" Title="How to reply politely to someone asking too many vague questions?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20228" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20248" CreationDate="2018-12-09T19:49:02.200" Score="5" ViewCount="877" Body="&lt;p&gt;I hate all forms of social gatherings (Parties, Weddings/Receptions, etc). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A perfect day for me would be to avoid all human contact (unless it's absolutely necessary, for example, your life is in danger and for some reason I'm the only one that can help you), binge watch a show, write code, or read a novel. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One of my relatives is having her wedding in January, problem is, Star Trek Season 2 will begin that same week. During the week, I'm tired when I come from work, and when the new episode airs, I'm most likely sleeping. The network re-airs the episode on the weekends. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I don't show up for other social events, I get phone calls from relatives asking why I didn't show up? My usual answer is, over 100 people were there, how would my presence make it any better? This time however, I want to politely tell them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd rather {&lt;em&gt;insert favorite activity here&lt;/em&gt;} than go to your {&lt;em&gt;insert&#xA;  social event here&lt;/em&gt;}.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a more polite way of saying the above?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;From the Comments:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there anything in the reaction your relatives usually give, that&#xA;  you're trying to avoid by saying this? If so, could you describe what&#xA;  it is you're trying to achieve, so that answers can take that into&#xA;  account too?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have a fear that they may not understand that &lt;strong&gt;I don't like social events&lt;/strong&gt;. Usually they're slightly disappointed when the call or get into contact with me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I want them to understand, it's not the person holding the event, it's the loud music, the number of people, and the the fact I hate being around other people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I explain that I rather be alone than with people in a polite way?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user23128" LastEditorDisplayName="user23128" LastEditDate="2018-12-09T21:11:59.090" LastActivityDate="2019-06-20T14:34:52.627" Title="How to explain that I rather do something else than go to a social event?" Tags="&lt;social-event&gt;&lt;explaining&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20229" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-09T21:16:29.280" Score="4" ViewCount="527" Body="&lt;p&gt;My Ex and I recently broke up. There are a lot of very negative feelings on my side due to things that happened during the relationship and after the breakup.&#xA;It is still hard for me to be in her vicinity, and I cannot really relax and enjoy myself in her presence.&#xA;Unfortunately, we share a common hobby where there are only a limited number of meetings. She attends all of them, while I am restricted to a few due to age constraints. After some of the meetings, there often will be an afterparty at one of our common friends.&#xA;I would like to go to these events, but in contrast to the organised &quot;official&quot; meetings, the group there is much smaller. Last time, my ex was invited and I was not, which is probably not because of a dislike on the host's part, but I rather suspect that he knew that I would have declined anyway (I am not sure about that however).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can I ask the host to sometimes invite me and not her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Further notes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She suggested to keep away from some of the events to give me space, but broke this promise pretty quickly. Therefore, I am not searching for a solution that depends on her cooperation in any way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;While I am quite restricted in my choices of meetings (and corresponding afterparties), she is not and therefore I do not have any leverage with her to &quot;split 50/50&quot;. Additionally, I have much bigger issues with her than she has with me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Switching social circles is not an option, since the hobby is fixed and there is only a very small number of potential hosts that live in the vicinity of the official meetings.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;After the breakup, I tried to be on good terms with her to avoid unnecessary drama. That was two months ago, but afterwards a lot of things happened/came out that really hurt me (e.g. her not sticking to the promise to give me space). This currently makes it impossible for me to somehow reconcile with her.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;My bad feelings towards her are not because of the breakup, but rather from the stuff that happened during the relationship. I was overdependent on her, so I haven't had the balls to break up. E.g. she lied to me about her intimacy level with other people and I believe she deliberately (although maybe unconsciously) fed me false information about her, resulting in me doubting my own perception. I have no desire to be &quot;on good terms with her&quot; ever again, because I know I will never be able to have a conversation with her without being in an alarmed state and carefully watching every word.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;She is very attractive and out-going, which makes it easier for her to get attention from the hosts, which are all male.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am particularly worried that the host might consider &quot;inviting both and letting them decide that between them&quot; a sufficiently &quot;fair&quot; solution.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am mostly interested of going to the afterparties without her being there. I am totally fine with the host having a strong friendship with her, as long as he does not neglect me because of it.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Although there are two main hosts, the one I am concerned about is a lot more active in this regard than the other.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am located in Germany, although I believe this is not very much location-specific.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23129" LastEditorUserId="23129" LastEditDate="2018-12-09T23:07:14.287" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T10:00:58.177" Title="How to get hosts to split invitations to parties between ex-partners" Tags="&lt;friend-groups&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;invitations&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20230" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20228" CreationDate="2018-12-09T22:44:27.497" Score="5" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Find a compromise you can tolerate&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The joy and happiness that your relative gets from sharing their wedding day with you is no less real and valid than the enjoyment and happiness you gain from staying home and avoiding the wedding.  Even if it seems incomprehensible that they should gain a benefit from your presence as one of a hundred guests, that's not so different from how they can't comprehend why you should prefer your own company.  Even if you can't understand it, it's important to accept that it is true.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This means that if you wish to remain on good terms with your relatives, you need to find a compromise that everyone can live with.  On a macro scale, that means identifying the most important social events (weddings and major holidays primarily) and attending them, while avoiding the less important ones (birthdays, minor holidays, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On a micro scale, this means that you don't need to attend an entire celebration.  Maybe you only show up for the ceremony, but leave before the party.  Maybe you help set up for the wedding, but avoid the wedding itself.  (Caveat: I know nothing about Hindu weddings, so I cannot suggest the most effective way to be a part of the wedding spending the minimum amount of time being social).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Separating the social parts of the wedding from the wedding itself has a major benefit in that it allows you to express your dislike without saying that you dislike the wedding as a whole.  The wedding symbolizes happiness for your relative - dislike of the wedding implies a dislike of your relative's happiness (true or not).  But by separating the wedding from the social aspects you can give your support for the wedding while at the same time expressing your dislike of actually being there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Frame your refusal as being for your relative's benefit&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I recommend a reason along the lines of &quot;I want to avoid your wedding because I don't want my dislike of social events to harm your enjoyment of your special day.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This sort of reason reframes what is fundamentally a selfish desire into a selfless one - You are not choosing your self interest over theirs - instead you have considered both your and their positions and found the solution that best benefits both of them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="7752" LastActivityDate="2018-12-09T22:44:27.497" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20231" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-09T23:16:37.613" Score="4" ViewCount="885" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a friend who takes medication for anxiety and depression. When she forgets to take her medication she has very specific behaviors, some of which include tantrums, panic attacks, and overwhelming sadness/aggression.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On several occasions she has told me that she has forgotten to take it. Every single time this has happened, she has become really upset (in the ways mentioned above) and I have tried to encourage her to take her medication because it always makes her feel better afterwards. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Often bringing up the need for her to take it makes her intensely angry and aggravates the problem because no matter how I phrase the suggestion, she says that I am &quot;ignoring how hard her life is&quot; or &quot;blaming her for being sad&quot; or &quot;giving her advice that she doesn't want.&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know how to tell her it's damaging our relationship. We have discussed it when she is on the medication and she is always very receptive and understanding (and seems to completely agree), even going as far as to explicitly ask me to try and get her to take it when she hasn't. Yet if I bring it up when she hasn't taken it, it makes everything worse.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tactfully talk to her when she's not in her normal mindset and prone to overreaction?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user23130" LastActivityDate="2018-12-11T07:05:48.570" Title="How can I tell my friend to take her medication?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;requests&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20232" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-10T00:03:40.517" Score="7" ViewCount="514" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have been tutoring French for a very long time, this is the first time I have had a parent who sits at the table with me and their child. During the entire lesson they are interrupting by trying to correct their child's answers and pronunciation. The parent does not speak French, their corrections are not always wrong but are not always right either, either way it is affecting my ability to teach their child.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to impeding my ability to teach the child, it is definitely making me uncomfortable. I would like to ask the parent if they could not sit with us the whole time, or maybe express that I would like to do the teaching by myself during the lesson (not have them interrupt with corrections). Again, this is the only child I have ever had in about ten years of professional tutoring who has done this!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some specific issues I have in accomplishing this are that although neither mine nor the parents first language is English, we communicate in English. I struggle with speaking in English on the spot, and I would rather be able to send an email to the parent. I would like it to be polite and elicit their understanding, I don't want it to come across as confrontational. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For cultural context this is in Canada.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23132" LastEditorUserId="29" LastEditDate="2018-12-10T03:37:31.083" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T16:17:31.907" Title="How to ask the parent of a child I tutor to be less hands on during our lessons?" Tags="&lt;conflict-aversion&gt;&lt;canada&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20234" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20236" CreationDate="2018-12-10T04:35:34.377" Score="4" ViewCount="427" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently looking for a condominium and would like to ask the residents within the HOA (Home Owner Association) building about their experiences with said HOA. This most likely involves knocking on their doors. How can I ask about their experiences without making them feel uncomfortable?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is in the United States and it’s becoming less popular for anyone (even neighbors) to knock on doors; hence my caution.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23099" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-10T06:35:20.343" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T22:29:36.523" Title="How to gracefully ask HOA residents about their experiences?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;strangers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20236" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20234" CreationDate="2018-12-10T07:20:42.163" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree that it's become rare for anyone to knock other than salespeople, political canvassers, delivery guys, or missionaries, so definitely expect people to be a little wary when answering (if they even answer at all).  However, I think once you mention the HOA, they're likely to talk your ear off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try something like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hi, I'm sorry to bother you but I was thinking of moving into unit [123], just down the hall from you, and I'd like to know how you feel about your HOA?  The dues seem pretty OK, but you know how it is -- you never know if you're going to get what you pay for with these things.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some people might say they don't have time, and others might be too suspicious to give an honest response, but I think any truly negative responses will be rare.  Instead you'll find people enjoy giving you their opinion, once you reassure them that there is no other agenda.  There seems to be this basic human need to be &lt;em&gt;listened to&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;validated&lt;/em&gt;, even if only by a complete stranger.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On top of this, I think one hallmark of a good community is a willingness to answer the door and talk with (potential) neighbors.  If you find most people aren't willing to chat at all, then that's already a pretty obvious red flag.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-12-10T17:23:44.870" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T17:23:44.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20237" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20229" CreationDate="2018-12-10T08:51:33.057" Score="10" Body="&lt;p&gt;You may not want to hear this, but truthfully, &lt;strong&gt;you can't&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're asking the host to make an exception for you. In your eyes it seems fair to split the events 50/50. But for the host, it's not fair at all. They have to keep track of who has been to what events. They have to be the one to &lt;strong&gt;not&lt;/strong&gt; invite a specific person so they'll be the one to blame should someone else take issue with the decision. The problem is between you and your ex, the host should not be the one to make the decision of who can attend what event.*&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, whenever someone has asked me to &quot;prefer them over someone else&quot;, I've always started gravitating towards the other person - people generally don't like being told who they should hang out with. So asking the host not to invite her is not a good idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, you could try hosting yourself. That way you can control who are invited and still stay in touch with your friend group.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing you could do is actually talk to your ex. Ideally you would reach a state where you're both cordial with each other and not bothered by the other's presence. If that can't be achieved then you could at least ask her if it would be possible to split the events so that you could both occasionally attend the events.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;* &lt;em&gt;The fact that the host already chose to not invite you might be a bit telling on who they prefer to have on these events. Unless you've expressed to people that you can't stand being around your ex, in which case they probably made the assumption that you'd decline anyway.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21196" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T08:51:33.057" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20238" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20232" CreationDate="2018-12-10T09:32:47.807" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you are trying to avoid being confrontational, you could present it to them as a report on their child's progress. I don't know if you would normally do this? Perhaps you give verbal feedback to parents rather than a written report, but this would hopefully not come over as confrontational because it should seem routine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A school report would normally reflect on what has been done and also highlight what improvements need to be made, so make the matter of your concern the area for improvement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Perhaps write:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I am writing with an update on [child's name]'s progress.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[&lt;em&gt;comment on the positive areas of their progress&lt;/em&gt;]  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;However, I feel that their progress is being limited by the presence of their parent during lessons. Normally lessons are conducted one-to-one. I would recommend that your child attend their lesson alone in order for them to continue progressing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they continue to turn up after you have advised them not to, then perhaps you should assert your authority during the lesson. After all, you &lt;em&gt;are&lt;/em&gt; the teacher, and the parent is paying you to act as one! Most parents want their children's teachers to instil discipline into them, so be strict! When the parent speaks out of turn, say &quot;&lt;em&gt;please be quiet&lt;/em&gt;&quot;, or &quot;&lt;em&gt;please let [child] answer&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. If they say or pronounce something incorrectly, say &quot;&lt;em&gt;no, that is incorrect. Please let [child] answer&lt;/em&gt;&quot;. Once the lesson is over, act as you would normally with the parent, smile at them, show them that there is no bad feeling even if you have had to quiet them. All kinds of teachers - school teachers, private tutors, driving instructors etc - have a &quot;professional persona&quot; and will correct their students during lesson time. You are allowed to control your lessons because that is the job you have been paid to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It may be that the parent is actually hoping to learn the language themselves by sitting in on the lessons! If that is the case, you could suggest that they need to pay for a lesson of their own?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastEditorUserId="6663" LastEditDate="2018-12-10T09:40:28.140" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T09:40:28.140" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20239" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-10T09:58:38.350" Score="1" ViewCount="640" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm a woman, 23 years old and a freshly hired Q&amp;amp;A ingenior (2 weeks). I was asked to do some task (implement automatic test on Jenkins).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I ran into a problem and needed the help of someone in an other department (male, here since 2 or 3 months, work as a contractor and not as an employee, let's call him Bob). When I asked for help, he seemed very reluctant to give me some. However, since my superior (who work remotely except two days a week) insisted on the fact I had to ask him, I persisted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I exchanged with Bob in person and via a group chat where my superior also is. Bob provided me with very little to no help and, at the end of the day, the problem wasn't solved. My superior then send a message in this chat group where he seemed cross that we didn't properly work as a team.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here is a translation of some of the messages:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bob&lt;/strong&gt;, 3pm: First the PATH is wrong&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;and it's not the right version of XXX&lt;br /&gt;&#xA;your docker image is a mess&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me&lt;/strong&gt;, 3:15 pm: What the PATH should be? And for the version, I can't have the one you use, there is only v.X, v.Y and v.Z available.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Bob&lt;/strong&gt; 4:45 pm: uh&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Superior&lt;/strong&gt; 5:15 pm: @Bob @Noon could you see this between you since you are behind one another? Thanks :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My superior probably don't know that we did talk in person, he only knows that the problem wasn't solved.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I understand why my superior is crossed but I don't know what else I could have done to make Bob more willing to help me. I would like to explain that to my superior and ask for his help but I don't know how to do so. I don't want to be seen as the problem, as someone incapable, etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How do I explain the situation (and ask for help) to my superior without making him see me in a negative light?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Notes and clarifications&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Everyone else here is very helpful and happy to answer my questions/help me when I need to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Bob might be sexist but didn't talk with him enough to know for sure (maybe he is just like that with everyone)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This happened Friday but I only saw my superior message today&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;My superior was only present remotely Friday and is also remote today (Monday)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;In the group chat, Bob was answering me (mostly asking me questions) but did not suggest any solutions. However, is lack of interest was more visible in person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Bob didn't follow up with me. I asked another coworker of his this morning (when he wasn't here yet) and, it turns out the problem was pretty basic and easy to solve (I just needed to make an 'install' before launching my command). I posted that my problem was solved in the group chat after that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T13:58:52.237" Title="How do you tell your superior that you have a problem with another coworker?" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20240" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20229" CreationDate="2018-12-10T10:00:58.177" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have experienced something similar myself and agree it is not easy when you have a breakup in the middle of a circle of friends like this - friends that have a common interest that brings them together. It isn't the same as when you have one really, really close friend - a friend that is like a brother or sister to you - who, after a breakup, may be fiercely loyal to you and not continue their friendship with your ex. The kind of friends you describe (still valued friends, I should add) will not be looking to &quot;take sides&quot;. They will be looking to maintain the peace and continue with their shared interest.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However painful the breakup is to &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt;, you must realise that even your best friends that care for you will not feel any of your pain. Sure they may feel &lt;em&gt;empathy&lt;/em&gt; for you, but it isn't the same pain you feel. If they were friends to both of you before the breakup then they will probably be seeking to remain friends with both of you now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you place any kind of conditions or restrictions on your friends then there is a good chance you will be the one that gets pushed out and left out, not your ex. This is because right now they are &quot;neutral&quot; as regards your breakup. They may care about you both, but if they are not involved in the details of your breakup then they are not really affected by it. They just want to maintain peace in their own lives, and if you and your ex can be in the same room as them then it doesn't put them out in any way. But as soon as you start to make requests like &quot;invite me this time but not her&quot;, then it starts to affect them. It is trouble for them. They won't want to keep account of how many times they invited you, or her. They wont want to start &quot;taking sides&quot;. They will push out the &quot;trouble maker&quot;, and that will be the person who makes the request not to be in the same room as someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will be really hard to deal with. You mentioned that there is some &quot;bad feeling&quot; on your part, so perhaps in your mind the breakup is her fault. It was my experience that even when someone &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; clearly a &quot;perpetrator&quot; and someone else the &quot;victim&quot;, while certain close friends will care about this, it doesn't matter to extended peer groups. They will just side with whoever makes least trouble for &lt;em&gt;them&lt;/em&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As hard as it may be, you might have to just ride this one out and not say anything. Attend the meetings and parties, and let your ex be the one to say something, if anyone. If you show that you can be in the same room as her, or anyone, you won't be excluded. The solution may come if &lt;em&gt;she&lt;/em&gt; starts to distance herself when she realises you will not.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T10:00:58.177" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20241" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-10T10:37:01.950" Score="10" ViewCount="1250" Body="&lt;p&gt;We are a couple, 36/M, and 38/F, with a 13-year-old daughter, who was diagnosed with dementia on Saturday. We're from Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Over the past few weeks she'd been forgetful; couldn't dress herself properly, and sometimes had a look on her face like &quot;where am I?&quot;, and toilet issues in public (she took a dump in a department store carpark)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We've taken her to the doctors and then they had to do some tests, and as of Saturday, it's '''confirmed''' that she has dementia; officially diagnosed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our daughter was a pretty bright child when born, seemed to know a lot about things like planets, cars etc. and would read books from our bookcase on adult topics like maths, travel etc. at aged 7!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We hoped she would succeed in life, but now we're sad she'll never grow up or have children and don't really know how to cope with the fact she's 13, and got dementia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Only my sisters (three of them) and my wife's twin sister (non-identical) know about this, but not the wider family.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We don't know how to discuss it with the wider family and our friends while minimizing the chances of them judging our daughter's disease.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Any advice is welcomed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23137" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-12-10T12:13:37.257" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T12:11:19.267" Title="How to announce to our relatives that our daughter has dementia?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;mental-health&gt;&lt;parenting&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20242" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20231" CreationDate="2018-12-10T12:51:46.413" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;People with depression tend to see everything in a negative light and sometimes loose the ability to think rationally. So argueing rationally isn't going to work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From my experience, there are 2 ways to ensure they take their meds:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Authority&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is usually the case for inpatients in a mental health facility. A figure of authority (the doctor or nurse) tells them to take these pills and they are required to aktually take them. The patients don't have to like taking pills, they don't have to like their doctor, but they have to take the pills anyway.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course the times of patients being forced to take medication against their will are long gone. From a psychological point of view, though, it's easier to do something we're reluctant to do if a person of authority tells us to. And the doctors and nurses are trained to interact with people with severe depression. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You, as a friend, aren't in a position of authority. Probably even the family members of your friend don't have enough authority right now to make her take the meds. If the problem cannot be solved otherwise, institutionalizing your friend may be the best solution until the medication has evened out her symptoms enough for her to take the meds voluntarily and regularily.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Persuasion&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As mentioned above, people with depression tend to see everything negatively, even those things that could help them. If your friend is in a bad mood and you say &quot;please take your meds&quot; you add to the bad mood because you indirectly tell her she made a mistake (forgetting her pills).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, you should present her meds as something positive. No matter how she argues, always turn her argument into a positive outcome. Some examples are:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(She) You just want to blame me for being sad.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) There is no-one to blame. I just want you to feel happy again and you told me that your meds make you happier than you are now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(She) You ignore how hard my life is.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) I don't ignore you. I see how hard it is for you right now. Your meds always made it easyer for you to cope with these difficulties, that's why I want you to take them. They'll help you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(She) I don't want your advice.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) I know that you don't want my advice, but I also know that your meds make you feel better. You told me yourself, and as your friend I want you to feel better.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately, there is no guarantee for success. When your friend is depressed, you cannot argue with rational arguments. Her brain works differently in those moments and sometimes it might seem like she is a completely different person. As soon as her brain calms down, she probably fells guilty of reacting that way, but in the spur of the moment she has no way to control herself.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best you can do is stay strong and stay her friend. Being a loyal friend with someone in a difficult situation is much more beneficial than threatening to end this friendship (&quot;take your meds or else...&quot;). Maybe seeing her as a different person in her dark moods is a way to cope with it. You like your friend, but you don't have to like her when she's in a dark mood.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sub&gt;In case someone asks me how I know this or where I gor these experiences: I don't want to disclose this information. &lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-12-11T07:05:48.570" LastActivityDate="2018-12-11T07:05:48.570" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20244" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20266" CreationDate="2018-12-10T13:59:42.710" Score="4" ViewCount="316" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm a software engineer in my company and I've been in a loop with my boss and a 'Product manager' from an other company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The subject is about setting up some common project and I need some details about how this should be done.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I asked some technical questions on my first email and I wanted to know if I should I mention something in those lines :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;BTW, let me know if I should be in contact with someone more&#xA;  technical in your team or if I can contact you directly for technical&#xA;  questions&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The problem is that I don't want the person to feel offended as the PM could interpret that like &quot;you don't have technical skills&quot;. This is my first time emailing the PM.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From the small thread of emails, the PM sounds like representing the 'team' of devs, so I'm thinking that maybe I should talk with one of the devs directly instead of the PM.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I ask politely to be redirected to someone more technical on the team?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18804" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-10T17:02:03.437" LastActivityDate="2018-12-15T04:20:39.877" Title="Ask a Product manager to be redirected to someone else with more technical skills" Tags="&lt;email&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="8" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20245" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20234" CreationDate="2018-12-10T14:42:06.423" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think the best approach would be to find out when the next HOA meeting is being held and attend the meeting.  Sitting in the meeting will give you some insight on how this specific HOA functions and afterwards you can introduce yourself to the other members and inquire about their experiences.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22700" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T14:42:06.423" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20247" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20241" CreationDate="2018-12-10T15:46:20.000" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have no experience with dementia so I can't tell for sure if this advice will work for you. My answer is based on how my family told me that my niece is autistic and how a friend told me our now mutual other friend has Dystonia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The reason people judge others like your daughter or &quot;put a label&quot; on them is an initial coping mechanism. It's scary unknown news that they don't know how to deal with otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's impossible to prevent this from happening. You probably already know this since you're only asking to limit the chance of it happening instead of asking how to prevent it entirely.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The natural solution is to inform them. But this will only work if they're open about it in the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's how you can approach breaking the news.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 1: Stating the fact. Explain it in a similar tone as you would telling your daughter would have her wisdom teeth removed. Try to be as objective as possible and tell what your doctor told you. Something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You must have noticed (/ You will notice) changes in [daughter]'s behaviour. (Alternative here is telling it right after your daughter does something odd and you point that out explicitly). We've consulted with a doctor about it ... and [daughter] has dementia.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 2: Explain how you expect them to treat your daughter &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;For those that don't know what to do now: Try to treat her like any other kid but either ignore the forgetful moments or, if you want, try to gently figure out what she would want to achieve at that time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The above is just an example. You can probably explain far better what someone should/can do for your daughter.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 3: Be open to questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This can be hard for you but generally this really helps people to respond positively in the end.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;If you are interested in what the Dementia means exactly or want to know how to handle specific situations feel free to ask me or [other people that have experience, like your sisters if applicable]. We're happy to respond to any genuine questions :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Step 4: If you expect people to give the same advice that doesn't help or you've heard 20 times already feel free to add the following (probably not needed the first time you break the news to extended family, you'll know when you need to add it at some point):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Although we really appreciate your concerns and good intentions with giving us advice, please remember that we have consulted experts about it already. If you really want to help us please try to distract us with something fun. Like telling what amazing thing you did last weekend for example (or something else you are interested in).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Allow the news to sink in and expect some people to respond unexpectedly (this can be both good and bad). It's even possible that some respond like it's nothing new. &quot;I kinda figured it must've been something like that. So how are you coping right now? Need some help?&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe (mostly opinion) that you're better of telling it sooner rather than later. The faster everyone knows what's going on the faster they can start helping you. This can even be with some small things like reminding your daughter to go to the toilet when she starts showing certain movements but doesn't remember what to do with it. (again, just an example of what I guess Dementia could be, replace with something that actually could happen if needed).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastEditorUserId="12054" LastEditDate="2018-12-12T12:11:19.267" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T12:11:19.267" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20248" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20228" CreationDate="2018-12-10T15:53:44.780" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;To avoid going to an individual social event, the polite and generally inoffensive way to decline is to minimize excuses while maximizing good wishes on the person who invited you.  Never say that the reason you won't be there is that you simply don't want to.  That comes across as intentionally mean and a personal insult.  Also avoid lying.  They reason you don't attend, in general, doesn't really matter to the person who invited you unless you make it a big deal.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I won't be able to attend your wedding, but I wish you all happiness and I'm sure you will have a lovely time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Remember that the person who is inviting you to a social event sees the invitation as both something that will give you pleasure and happiness and a sense of inclusion, and something that will bring them happiness by having your company.  This means that a polite no to an individual event is not likely to offend, but a general pattern of refusing to attend any event will convey that you don't enjoy their company and don't wish to see them.  They will likely be hurt if they care about you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wish to keep on good terms with your family, you can mitigate this by giving up your preference, once a while, for the people you care about.  Compromise is a major part of human relationships.  You will have to attend, occasionally, important events or at least part of them.  You can chose those that are most import life events, and/or those that you find the least distasteful.  Your relatives will have to do their part by accepting that you won't always show up, and won't provide them with an elaborate reason as to why.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you like to socialize in smaller groups or one-on-one, you can also maintain relationship by spending time with people you enjoy in more comfortable settings-- invite them out to a quiet coffee shop, or to come over for a movie night, or whatever activity is more mutually enjoyed.  This is also a good time to talk to them about the fact that you find large group settings stressful/unpleasant/etc, and isn't it so nice to be together when we have the space and time to just talk or enjoy something together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's an easy thing to address politely when you are just talking, but a very hard one to address while that invitation to a 500 person wedding is staring you down and you're thinking it sounds like the least fun things you can imagine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15900" LastEditorUserId="15900" LastEditDate="2019-06-20T14:34:52.627" LastActivityDate="2019-06-20T14:34:52.627" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20249" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20239" CreationDate="2018-12-10T16:07:55.330" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I don't really think you need to consult your boss yet at this stage. Nothing too bad/negative has been said yet. You only need to find a way to work together with Bob. So let's focus on that first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your example chat conversation I see 2 main possibilities why Bob doesn't really try to help you much:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) He's busy doing for him important stuff and doesn't want to prioritize helping you.&#xA;2) He doesn't really know himself and doesn't want to admit it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it's case 2 you're out of luck. The only way to do it is to ask for his help when your supervisor is around and if you're both stuck show your supervisor that Bob isn't the right person. But let's assume this isn't the case here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Case 1 is the most usual thing. Certain people can't really handle small interuptions well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Don't assume sexism or other things against him until he really shows otherwise.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to aproach him neutraly again and ask him how he would prefer you to ask him questions. Whether that be direct through chat, through email, to agree on a certain timeslot where you can disturb him as much as you want but leave him alone during other timeslots even if you're stuck ...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he ignores it and doesn't allow you to interrupt him make it clear that your superviser told you he has to help you so you don't really have any other choice but you want to at least put in some effort to disturb him the least amount as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If that still doesn't work you go to your supervisor and explain what happened.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12054" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T16:07:55.330" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20251" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20239" CreationDate="2018-12-10T16:31:22.083" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;I'm also a QA engineer working with more experienced developers.  What I've discovered is that 'working with developers' is almost a specialized case of interpersonal skills-- culturally, developers at many companies work and interact in very specific ways.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some ideas that may help you:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do as much work/research as you can.  When asking &quot;Why didn't x work?&quot; or &quot;How do I Y?&quot;, briefly mention what you tried, or options you researched but discarded.  This helps because they don't have to duplicate your attempts/research to find the solutions, and don't feel like you are just trying to get them to do it for you.  &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Understand that they probably don't know the exact answer verbatim and just refuse to tell you.  There are so many variables in these kind of tasks that there may be effort involved in answering even a simple question.  They may not be -able- to give a definitive answer on an immediate basis.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;List your questions clearly, with as much detail as possible, in a format that allows the dev to interact with it when they are free (messenger or email, etc).  I'm sure you know how jarring it is to break 'flow' to respond to random side tasks or interruptions, even if they are important.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;If the email doesn't do the trick, put a meeting on his calendar for a convenient time.  Include details of the problems to be solved in the invite.  Set time aside for your problem.  This has the dual benefits of letting him know ahead of time what you are going to asking him, and making it almost impossible for him to ignore or deprioritize you once he accepts the meeting.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Make sure he knows you value his time and help.  Be even more polite and grateful then is actually warranted (given it is actually his job to help you with this...) &lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15900" LastEditorUserId="15900" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T13:58:52.237" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T13:58:52.237" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20253" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20221" CreationDate="2018-12-10T17:34:04.967" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;None of the questions you list in the examples section strike me as outrageous or unreasonable to ask, though the tuition one might be a bit personal (people in the U.S. are often cagey about their personal finances). Based on what you've written, it does seem to me that your roommate is trying to start conversations, and you are flat-out refusing to engage in them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think that you're going to find a one-line response that addresses the issues your roommate is asking about, which may be the very point of his asking them-- I doubt he's seeking to use you as an encyclopedia. The impression that I get from how your question is worded is that you are treating these as requests for discrete, definitive information (along the lines of &amp;quot;what is 2 + 2?&amp;quot;). Given the nature of the questions, that seems unlikely to be the case (to me, at least). They do seem like prompts for conversation, and your efforts to rebuff him immediately could certainly lead to the response you've noted (the silence).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The questions you listed as examples are not necessarily answerable in a definitive, general sense, but you can share what you think:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;$10 is a bit expensive for a lunch, but in the areas around campus and the surrounding town that's about the typical cost.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Some teachers are paid well, but there is a lot of variation by grade level, subject, and the type of school. Public school teachers don't usually make a whole lot of money, but at a high-end private school a teacher can make a lot more.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Strikes aren't usually big news items in the U.S., so I can't tell you for sure what the most recent one was about. But I did see a news report about workers at Marriott striking for something or other, which just ended last week.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;More information on how you approach conversation and your relationship with your roommate might prompt me to revise my impression, but it seems to me that you are a bit out of step with this social situation. If you simply do not like having these kinds of conversations, the right move would be to say so to your roommate:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't really like having these sorts of open-ended discussions generally, and I don't follow politics/religion/labor issues/whatever closely enough to have much to say about them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If my read of the situation is correct, then dealing with these exchanges one-at-a-time isn't going to work-- your roommate will keep trying to start conversations, and will continue to feel dejected when you completely refuse for no apparent reason.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Things to think about:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;What are conversations usually like for you? Do they mainly involve&#xA;swapping discrete, falsifiable information and little else (i.e.,&#xA;some people really like to talk about sports and only care to discuss&#xA;specific stats for players and teams)?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you like to engage in philosophical conversations where people&#xA;discuss issues and come to conclusions about things?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Is the problem just that you are not interested in &lt;em&gt;these specific&#xA;topics&lt;/em&gt;? Have you shared any of your interests with this roommate?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Do you ever initiate conversations with this roommate, and if so,&#xA;what are they about?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Does this roommate ever initiate conversations that you &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt;&#xA;participate in, and if so, what differences are there between those&#xA;situations and the ones listed in the question?&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T17:34:04.967" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20254" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20244" CreationDate="2018-12-10T17:36:58.853" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've been in this situation a few times.  It's usually no big deal.  You can try this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I'd like to get moving on this project, so is there a technical resource over there who I can coordinate with directly?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a developer on your team I should be working with directly to move this project forward?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Is there a dedicated developer over there to whom I should direct my questions?  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or some variation of the above.  Avoid saying &quot;a &lt;em&gt;more technical&lt;/em&gt; person&quot; since, as you say, that implies the PM is not technical.  Instead focus on the fact that the PM's traditional job description is &lt;em&gt;coordinator&lt;/em&gt;, not hands-on.  If the PM is the technical resource, then they should tell you, and provide good answers to your questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In some cases the PM can be very jealous of their role as the &quot;gatekeeper&quot;, filtering direct access to the developers.  After all, if the PM didn't ferry questions and specifications back and forth to the developers, &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNuu9CpdjIo&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;some of them would be out of a job&lt;/a&gt;.  This can be an annoying situation, as it frequently leads to delays and miscommunications -- but if that's how the other team works, you just have to roll with it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in situations where I have to communicate my questions to &lt;em&gt;my&lt;/em&gt; PM, who communicates them to &lt;em&gt;their&lt;/em&gt; PM, who talks to their developers, and then back up the chain.  If you have a good PM on your own team, this can actually be easier, because you have a single point of contact, and it's your PM's responsibility to make sure the questions get to the right people.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you have a poor PM, well ...    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20224" LastEditorUserId="20224" LastEditDate="2018-12-11T01:29:24.560" LastActivityDate="2018-12-11T01:29:24.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20255" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20256" CreationDate="2018-12-10T18:28:08.723" Score="22" ViewCount="1960" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Background&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My partner and I have been together for 9 years, beginning in high school. Around year three we went through a rough patch where my partner emotionally abused me into consenting to sex, which I had been holding out on due to religious reasons. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Within the next year, my partner transitioned from female to male (FTM). This put a heavy strain on our relationship, naturally, but I stuck around because I want what's best for him, and if being male is it, so be it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Year five, we got engaged and he moved in with me. At this time, he was reminded of sexual abuse that occurred when he was five or six, and completely shut down sexually. Since then, any physical intimacy between us has ceased. He has become a sex-repulsed asexual. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He has also, seemingly chosen to, forget that I sexually prefer females, and becomes very upset whenever I am forced to remind him. As time moves on, it is more and more clear that he is not going to ever want to return to &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=PIV&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;PiV&lt;/a&gt; sex. As I see it, any honest conversation we have has only two outcomes:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We break up&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I force him to have sex on my terms&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I have an honest discussion with my partner, when the only outcomes are undesirable by both parties.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Other info&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I am male, and identify as heterosexual, biromantic&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is FTM, and identifies as pansexual (mentally, he presents as asexual solely because of his body), panromantic&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is going to be going on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in a month&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have tried to initiate conversation before, but he either shuts down, or talks his way out of it with promises of change.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;We are both too monogamous to &quot;out source&quot; the physical intimacy.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He is solely dependent on me. He has no job, no education, no driver's license, and no emotional support outside of me.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23143" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-26T15:26:18.113" LastActivityDate="2018-12-26T15:26:18.113" Title="How to have an honest discussion, when all outcomes are undesirable" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;lgbt+&gt;&lt;sex&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20256" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20255" CreationDate="2018-12-10T18:57:29.167" Score="41" Body="&lt;p&gt;What I think you haven't fully faced is that your conversation already has only one possible outcome: breaking up.  I am certain that given what you have been through, the idea of coercing your partner to have sex on your terms and against his will must be as repugnant to you as it would be to him.  Making sex he doesn't want a condition of continuing the relationship pretty much amounts to emotionally abusing him into consenting, as I am sure you have considered.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, how do you break up with a long term partner, who has become incompatible with you for reasons essentially out of either of your control, but you still care about?  With the utmost honesty, but limited details and rehashing of every wrong and flaw in your years together. Don't fall into the trap of trying to enumerate all the reasons to break up and every way in which he doesn't live up to your needs as a partner. It's okay if you cry, feel sad, openly mourn the ending of your relationship, but try not to verge into the realm of dramatics that might imply false hope. Be frank and straightforward, and be clear that the break is about your needs.  You need to be in a sexual relationship as much as he needs to be in an asexual one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't let him talk his way out of it with promises that he clearly has no intention (and likely no ability) to keep, or avoid the conversation that he probably already suspects is coming.  Tell him directly that you need to have a serious, probably unpleasant talk.  Ask for his buy-in and attention.  Acknowledge that this is hard to hear, and that you also wish you were not in this situation, but, here you are, and there is no way to go but forward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can offer to help him get set up with a job, a place, a bit of a support system, but I don't think there is any way of making this easier.  There is a balancing act here between 'I throw my helplessly dependent ex out in the cold' and 'I allow my ex to keep living off me for free indefinitely'.  You will need to decide where that line is, and once decided, hold firm to it and try to make it a 'clean break'.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="15900" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T18:57:29.167" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20258" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-10T20:11:30.873" Score="5" ViewCount="788" Body="&lt;p&gt;Recently, I was on a public book launch connected with an intellectual debate. There were many famous people whose face I know from the news, many of them I very much respect but have no actual connection with. Naturally, they are engaged in a conversation all the time, seemingly personal, but I can't know unless I listen to them, which I already feel as being offensive. Is there a way to get into a conversation with famous people without being too rude?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="171" LastEditorUserId="171" LastEditDate="2018-12-12T09:58:23.567" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T08:35:43.900" Title="Is it acceptable to intrude a celebrity's conversation, if so, how to be tactful?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;intervention&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20260" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20258" CreationDate="2018-12-10T21:01:39.727" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Much here depends on the context. Some examples:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and several of your heroes are in the &quot;speaker room&quot; or the &quot;green room&quot; or some other place set aside for those who meet some criteria, which you do. In this context you are peers. You are welcome to listen to their conversation and to join in if it seems you have something to ask or say that would be welcome. This can also apply at a speaker dinner or other event where the organization that has brought you together has labelled you as peers, no matter what you think of the other people. (The first time I was at a dinner table with the person who invented the language I work in most, I had to act as though we were peers, challenging as that was.) You may want to listen more than you talk and enjoy the chance to learn from these people. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You and other non-select people (eg attendees of the book launch) are in a public area such as a hallway, and you see some of your heroes and some other people having a conversation. Here, you are probably ok to join in and start listening, but you can't be quite certain. Come up to the group, make eye contact with someone other than the person currently speaking, and possibly say &quot;hi&quot; quietly. The group will let you know with body language if you've intruded. One of them may say something like &quot;we should continue this later&quot; and the group may either disband or start to discuss a different topic that is ok to discuss with you. Generally, people in hallways and other public areas of events know their conversations are pretty much public and don't mind others joining. You will know when someone smiles or nods at you as you join that you are not intruding.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are lined up for coffee or food or something and you see someone you respect and admire. You want to say something to them: go ahead! (A relevant answer from me on a sister site: &lt;a href=&quot;https://academia.stackexchange.com/questions/28665/walk-up-and-talk-to-random-people-at-academic-conferences-is-that-appropriate/28679#28679&quot;&gt;https://academia.stackexchange.com/questions/28665/walk-up-and-talk-to-random-people-at-academic-conferences-is-that-appropriate/28679#28679&lt;/a&gt; goes into more details. I would like to emphasize, please, have a second sentence ready.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You see a number of your heroes standing near a stage they are about to go onto, as panelists or the like, and you are not on the panel or otherwise a peer. They are talking. Leave them alone. They may be planning the panel, or otherwise doing something important and time limited. After the panel, you can come and ask questions like anyone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Generally when someone less famous than me wants to join a conversation, I don't mind at all and if I can, I'll say something to welcome them into the group. I also try to encourage &quot;pac man circles&quot; which is when a group of people standing in a circle chatting deliberately leave a gap so others can join in. The whole point of these events is to meet each other and to exchange ideas in both directions. Famous people who don't want to do that hide in the speaker room, the green room, or their hotel room. They walk quickly from place to place without making a lot of eye contact with anyone they see. People who are standing around chatting are generally open to standing around chatting, so join in!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="61" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T21:01:39.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20261" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20258" CreationDate="2018-12-10T21:31:45.400" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would set aside the 'celebrity' aspect of it.  They're just people having conversations in a public place.  It doesn't make them special, just popular.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, presuming it's an open venue and you're not blatantly eavesdropping I find it usually acceptable to politely chime in if I can offer &lt;strong&gt;commentary or perspective based on a specific topic in the conversation&lt;/strong&gt;.  Things like the weather or food, not so much...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For instance, recently I was in line for Pirates of the Caribbean at Magic Kingdom and the group ahead of me was debating the which Big Thunder Mountain was better, Disneyland or Magic Kingdom.  Me: &quot;Big Thunders?  The version at Hong Kong beats them both because it has a reverse element.&quot;  Very important, it's Big Grizzly Mountain, but the same theme.  This lead to an enthusiastic conversation about the parks for the rest of the line.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You'll find the same situation, polite interjections, at all sorts of places, cruises, fan-cons, tech conferences, airplanes.  I can't imagine book signings would be much different.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If they don't want you in the conversation, it will be immediately obvious.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21180" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T21:31:45.400" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20262" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20221" CreationDate="2018-12-10T22:04:20.630" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;I know a lot of Colombians.  Wonderful, beautiful people, and many of them are very inquisitive.  There's also a cultural tendency of the greater region to be more chatty than North America.  That's just how they are.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Any alternatives?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The only alternative is to just have a conversation, even if the topic is based on opinions or has lots of variables.  Maybe he'll end up explaining how things are in Colombia.  Maybe he's really asking for your opinion, not necessarily facts that are &#xA;easily searchable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Do some of these questions make more sense in Colombia...?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As much sense as they would be nearly any other foreigner.  Teachers are paid differently everywhere, $10 USD will buy a lot in rural Colombia, Cali, Cartagena, maybe not so much.  People perspective on monetary value varies widely.  He may have just met hit first Protestant trying to recruit him for some charity or such.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask, I'm sure he'll gladly tell you. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Is he on scholarship or some other program?  Sounds like he's asking you the same question.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Basically, I think your making the situation more than it is.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21180" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T22:04:20.630" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20263" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20234" CreationDate="2018-12-10T22:29:36.523" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've owned Condos and been on Boards.  I wouldn't worry so much about asking, most owners will tell you more than you probably want to know are the Association.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Where you're considering asking is where I would take issue.  Don't knock on doors, that would be, well, weird.  If you can access the property, visit some common areas, ask them about there.  Or attend a meeting, usually monthly, and talk to some owners there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now, be careful.  If you talk to someone, first try to find out if they own or rent.  You don't need to talk to renters.  Then, ask if they're on the Board, you'll get a totally different story talking to Board Members vs. regular owners.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21180" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T22:29:36.523" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20264" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20239" CreationDate="2018-12-10T23:34:43.067" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL/DR: Don't.&lt;/strong&gt;  It's only been two weeks.  That's an awfully short time to develop a 'problem' with a co-worker, especially over one interaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, I think you should focus more on learning to deal with Bob and people like him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You can't make Bobs more willing to help you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From only your perspective, I can presume a lot based on decades of experience with Bobs all over the world.  Most likely, he doesn't have a problem with you or your gender.  Rather, he's thinking: &amp;quot;you were hired to setup test cases and should know how to do that without bothering the developers for silly things like paths...and how did you get a messed up docker image anyway...I don't have time for this...&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What you can do is &lt;strong&gt;find ways to make Bobs just help you&lt;/strong&gt;.  Subtle difference, yes, but important.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't show it in the chat, but &lt;strong&gt;you have to demonstrate effort on you part first&lt;/strong&gt; (like here at SE).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: What should the Path be?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob (thinking): Well, what did you try?  Did you look at the docs?  What was it before?  Is there a working image somewhere?  Can't you figure this out?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You:  Hi Bob, sorry, I haven't done this before, but...the path on the last build is /foo/mem/ren and it's not working.  I checked the deploy sheet and it's not there, I also checked server flimflam is it's /bah/humbug/coal.  Is it server specific?  Who can tell me where that comes from?  Also, who can I ask about why the build is targeting 762.998 and not 769.999?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob: Yeah, that's been messed up since I got here, here's how that works.....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Take notes, you can't ask this again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Basically, you have to think if your question can be framed as &amp;quot;please do it for me&amp;quot;.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might also be dealing with some procedural issues on the team.  Are you also responsible for automating the build process?  You really shouldn't have a messed up image.  If that's the problem, you next stop is whoever is responsible for the build.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21180" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T23:34:43.067" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20265" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20228" CreationDate="2018-12-10T23:37:18.560" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;The two current answers already address the need for compromise, but I think that that's a vital part of this. I also dislike social events and get easily overwhelmed, but if you wish to maintain your relationships with these people, you will have to bite the bullet and deal with them sometimes. Weddings are definitely very significant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To address the question of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd rather {insert favorite activity here} than go to your {insert social event here}.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is a more polite way of saying the above?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is no polite way of saying this. There is no way to express to someone that watching a television show and sleeping is more important than their wedding that will not sound dismissive and rude. Star Trek does not vanish into the ether after it airs; once a wedding or other social event is over, it's over forever.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're determined to not go at all, I would simply offer your regrets to be unable to attend, and then send them a nice wedding present, so that you are fulfilling the expected niceties around weddings. But I would strongly suggest you attend. Relationships require compromise. If you expect to always get your way and have your perfect day, you can also expect to have your family feel alienated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There is nothing innately bad about saying that you prioritize reading and watching television over interacting with family members. But they are allowed to, and almost certainly will, react to your priorities. And in this situation, their reactions are unlikely to be positive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23039" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T23:37:18.560" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20266" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20244" CreationDate="2018-12-10T23:56:53.220" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a very, very, very common scenario.  Don't over think it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this is you first interaction with this PM:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Will you also be the technical contact for the project?  Here's a few questions...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This will give them the opportunity to accept the role immediately or refer you to someone else.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you wait until there's a few back and fourths where you're not getting good answers, then yes, it becomes a bit touchy and you shouldn't ask this.  Hopefully they will then refer you to a technical contact on their own.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If not, &lt;strong&gt;let your management take care of it&lt;/strong&gt;.  It's more important that you have a good relationship with the PM and their team.  It's better for your manager to be the bad guy than you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21180" LastActivityDate="2018-12-10T23:56:53.220" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20269" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="12764" CreationDate="2018-12-11T15:32:20.443" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;This is a very, very common scenario.  So &lt;strong&gt;don't worry too much&lt;/strong&gt; about how you come across.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So long as you &lt;strong&gt;use normal pleasantries&lt;/strong&gt; (Excuse me, can we, etc.) you're all good.  Meaning, &lt;strong&gt;don't be rude or obnoxious&lt;/strong&gt;, that's your Manager's job if it comes to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Them: By using the Snodgrass technique, we can overcome the Flingminders…&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Excuse me a sec, hey, can we go back a bit.  Can you give background on Snodgrass?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's the thing, you can't worry too much about how they might feel, you need the information and interrupting them is the only way to get that.  You will find that occasionally, you will need to get more &lt;em&gt;assertive&lt;/em&gt; in the interruption, but again, do what you have to do.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21180" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-11T15:32:20.443" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20270" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20071" CreationDate="2018-12-11T22:49:52.137" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;As Kate's answer suggests, this is a risk/reward decision. My first thought would be: have you seen his room recently? Is there any reason to think it needs money spent on it? If not, or if it's trivial (painting over marks on the wall or filling in some cracks), then I would say just return the deposit, or most of it, now and at best just keep back say $50 in case of anything unforeseen. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this makes him more comfortable and the process of his moving out less frictional, then it's probably worth the risk that you could end up out of pocket if unexpected repairs are needed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I wouldn't generally advise giving in to what could be considered bullying behaviour on his part, but again it's risk/reward, and what do you really gain by withholding the deposit if you know the room is in good order?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="12606" LastActivityDate="2018-12-11T22:49:52.137" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20271" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20182" CreationDate="2018-12-11T22:57:10.883" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;As reference, I am 5'8 and 260 pounds. The smallest I've been in my adult life is 180 pounds; I've always been fat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've been in this situation before. My answer to this dialogue is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Oh, I can't shop there, I'm too fat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Friend:&lt;/strong&gt; Don't say that! You're not fat, you're beautiful.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Me:&lt;/strong&gt; Thank you, but I &lt;em&gt;am&lt;/em&gt; fat, same as I am a brunette.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, if you're feeling a bit more feisty, you could reply (as I have also done at times):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Why can't I be both?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In my experience, people have it so ingrained in their minds that fat people are ugly/lazy/unpleasant, and they either want to stop you talking down on yourself, or they are uncomfortable with confronting the idea that they might be wrong about fat people. I find that, while I sometimes need to correct them a couple of times, they end up backing off pretty quickly when I assert myself. However, as mentioned above, I am a LARGE woman, and I tend to project pretty well and speak with a lot of confidence, which also suggests that this is not a point of debate.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;(Also, I would say there's no such things as being too fat for a specific style of pants. Unless they're super low-waisted, which nobody has any business wearing, imo. If it's a specific pair you've outgrown, that's a whole nother ball game. Anyway. Me and my skinny jeans will stop ranting now.)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23039" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-11T22:57:10.883" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20272" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20071" CreationDate="2018-12-12T00:22:34.970" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;You have combined a few separate and unrelated issues&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Yesterday, he told me he was moving out on December 1st and that he&#xA;  needed the security deposit before then to pay his new room. I told&#xA;  him that is not how it works and that he needs to leave the room&#xA;  before I give him back the deposit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You might find a message board dedicated to real estate and renter's law, but I believe in the US, you are allowed to spend 30 days after the roommate moves out to assess the damage, and return the deposit.  So him demanding the deposit up front before he leaves is way out of line, and is not at all something you are obliged to do.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Then, at the beginning of November, he let me know he might be leaving&#xA;  by the end of December. I told him that was ok. The next day though, I&#xA;  asked him that he needed to make a decision quickly, because if he&#xA;  leaves in December, it is going to be hard for me to find a roommate&#xA;  given the holidays.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your difficulties are not his problem.  Your contract with him should specify how much advance notice he needs to make before leaving, and how much notice you must give him before evicting him.  He does not have to give you more notice than he promised in that document required just because it's hard to get a roommate in December.  Again, a message board dedicated to renter's laws might be more helpful about what exactly are your obligations to each other with regard to advance warning if you have no written agreement.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;He started wearing headphones while in the living room. I once tried&#xA;  to strike up a conversation with him by asking &quot;How was your day?&quot; to&#xA;  which he took the headphones off, answered briefly and put them back&#xA;  on. I reproached him that it was rude to put them back on if I was&#xA;  talking to him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No, what's rude is for you to insist on conversing with him when he has made perfectly clear he doesn't want this.  You write this section of your question as if it's obvious he's a nightmare to live with...but you are the one imposing on him.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10208" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T00:22:34.970" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20273" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20071" CreationDate="2018-12-12T01:10:17.113" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you and your housemate have different interpersonal expectations about subleasing.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Given his stated view that the arrangement is purely business, consider challenging him on that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You said you see the roommate relationship as a business. If that is the case, please abide by the business rule that deposits are refunded after vacating, less any reasonable deductions. We have given each other the customary 1 month’s notice, so there is nothing else to discuss from a business perspective. The exit inspection will be held on December 1, after you have vacated the premises, and the balance of your deposit, if any, will be remitted to your nominated bank account by internet banking within 2 business days.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This moves the conversation squarely into his stated perspective. Looking for new tenants isn’t his problem whatsoever, but by the same token, sourcing funds to pay the security deposit for his new place isn’t your problem.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The notice period also works to mitigate objections that he is doing you a favour by leaving early in December, but you can also say that you are reciprocating by giving him 60% of the security deposit early.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This would show that you are going beyond your ‘business’ obligations as his (sub)lessor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although the housemate relationship didn’t develop as well as you would have liked, it sounds like he was at least fair in his financial dealings with you. Showing that you are also being fair to him financially should help de-escalate tensions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T01:10:17.113" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20274" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9660" CreationDate="2018-12-12T01:29:29.100" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your question covers a lot of ground. This answer addresses just one aspect.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you ask your wife to do “more” but leave the quantum unspecified, you invite the question, “How much ‘more’ would satisfy you?” Depending on personality and other stresses in life etc, it can be a short hop from there to “Nothing I do will satisfy you.”&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, bring the focus back to something concrete, such as:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Honey, would you mind doing the dishes tonight?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or even&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Honey, would you mind doing the dishes on Saturdays? I’m finding that I really need a break after doing the gardens, cleaning the toilets and washing the cars.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="10573" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T01:29:29.100" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20276" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20278" CreationDate="2018-12-12T01:57:35.177" Score="8" ViewCount="607" Body="&lt;p&gt;I've started my first year in industry some months ago in a UK Software company. Since I'm pretty much a newbie I had to ask around for help. There is this guy that has been helping me a lot with work stuff but also with some other stuff not related to work (e.g. I've had some serious issues with my PC and couldn't get it back on track on my own, so he stayed overtime helping me sort it out). Besides that we also get along pretty well and seem to have a lot of subjects in common.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;With Christmas coming up shortly I was thinking of feeling Christmassy while also showing my appreciation for his huge support with my PC (being a student, needing a new PC would have been quite a hit to my budget). He is a bit (more?) geeky and I believe around 30yo (although I never thought it was appropriate to ask) and although I like software development I wouldn't categorise myself as geeky. I am not British myself either, so I am not entirely sure how to go about it. I've noticed (Christmas, in this case) cards are fairly popular, so I was thinking of going for that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I could send him a Christmas card or something else, more personal. But I don't intend to come off as &quot;too friendly&quot; and get misunderstood either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Also, there are more colleagues around my desk, some that I've never talked to, some that have been nice to me, but not as involved as this one. I am a bit unsure whether it would be all right to give something to one person or seven out of 30+ that are on the same floor.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, basically, this is my question: &lt;strong&gt;Is a card an appropriate and effective approach to show my appreciation? If not, could you advise of a better way?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My goal :&lt;/strong&gt; show appreciation to helpful and friendly work colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Cultural context:&lt;/strong&gt; UK, Software Company&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Who is involved:&lt;/strong&gt; Me and another work colleague, both males.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My uncertain approach:&lt;/strong&gt; Give a (Christmas) card in which I try to convey my gratefulness.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;My priorities for the outcome:&lt;/strong&gt; To manage to convey my appreciation towards the work colleague without coming off as &quot;too friendly&quot; and without being rude to other work colleagues. I am looking for a better approach if a card fails to be the right choice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23152" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:56:33.683" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T19:56:33.683" Title="Appropriate way to show appreciation to colleague?" Tags="&lt;united-kingdom&gt;&lt;colleagues&gt;&lt;saying-thanks&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20278" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20276" CreationDate="2018-12-12T13:02:45.453" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;I think a card is the right idea, but I personally wouldn't go for a Christmas card. There's a sort of expectation/idea that these are things you send everyone to wish them a merry Christmas, and it might be a bit odd to give one to only a single person. Especially since they tend to be somewhat generic, and in this case you've got a specific reason to give a card to this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd pick out a more generic &quot;Thank you!&quot; card, there's generally tons at bookstores or supermarkets.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Then, for the content, I'd try and be specific. Make it clear what you're thankful for, something like&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Thanks for helping me get worked in and feel like a part of the team. I really appreciate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;works a lot better than a more generic &quot;Thank you for all the help&quot;. Sign it with your name, and either hand it over when you come in during the morning with a &quot;Just wanted to show a bit of appreciation for your help&quot;, or just leave it lying on his desk if you'd think the previous is too awkward.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="3181" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T13:02:45.453" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20280" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20216" CreationDate="2018-12-12T13:57:25.793" Score="8" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;If you often find yourself in this situation, I'd recommend setting up expectations &lt;em&gt;prior&lt;/em&gt; to the date, in addition to planning how to end the date.&lt;/strong&gt;  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As someone who feels uncomfortable being in too intimate of a setting with people I don't know very well, I like to avoid being alone with someone on a first date.  For me, this has meant choosing my words carefully when setting up the date, as to not set any expectations or imply any false promise of a continued hang out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, if someone were to ask me what I'd like to do, I'd say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'd love to _____ (ex. grab coffee) and get to know each other a little better.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or if they set the plan, such as eating dinner together, I may say something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Getting to know each other a little better over dinner sounds great.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The key with both of these statements is that you are reinforcing your intentions, and not implying anything beyond &lt;em&gt;just&lt;/em&gt; the scope of the currently planned date.  Inversely, open-ended statements about the date (&lt;em&gt;i.e.&quot;Let's hang out Saturday night, maybe we can grab dinner?&quot;&lt;/em&gt;) may leave your date feeling like there's a potential for more to happen after the date.  The more you can eliminate open-ended, unbounded expectations, the easier it will be to end your date gracefully and without conflict.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As for ending the date itself, there are a few key things you'll want to focus on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;First, show appreciation for their time, even if you aren't interested in them romantically.&lt;/strong&gt; Even if you didn't actually have the time of your life, make sure to thank them in some way for spending this time with you (they also took time out of their day to meet with you, after all).  You can do this by explicitly saying 'thank you', or just by vocalizing that you had a good time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Second, be confident and firm in your stance to leave.&lt;/strong&gt;  Don't feel bad for excusing yourself with no explicit reasoning, it's okay to not want to spend any more time with this person.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Third, don't end/pause right after saying you're going to leave.&lt;/strong&gt;  To some people, this pause is a natural entry point into asking why, specifically, you need to come home, or even just further pressuring you to stay out longer.  Instead of ending on this pause, direct the conversation somewhere else so that your date's response is not aimed at why you're leaving.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;These three guidelines often have me following a script that's somewhat like the following when my date asks &quot;&lt;em&gt;So, what do you want to do next?&lt;/em&gt;&quot;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Actually, I've got to get home here soon.  Thanks for coming out to grab dinner with me though, it was nice meeting you.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;A reasonable person may still be a little bummed, but will respect your decision to end the date at this time.&lt;/strong&gt;  If they still reach out to you (later) showing interest in another date, this now leaves you in a much easier position (or at least not on the spot) to decline by telling them that you weren't really feeling a connection and aren't interested in meeting up again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Unfortunately in dating there are no steps to guarantee sparing someones feelings from being hurt, but using the tips above will minimize the odds of an awkward/negative situation escalating when trying to end a date gracefully.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="8936" LastEditDate="2018-12-12T20:05:41.870" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T20:05:41.870" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20281" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20276" CreationDate="2018-12-12T14:12:36.307" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;It's a bit strange, I was in the exact same scenario a few months ago. I had just started a Co-op through my school as a software developer, and I was having trouble acclimating. One of the guys in my office helped me out constantly, whenever I needed it. If I had a problem, he would usually drop whatever he was doing and come help me. I couldn't have done it without him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's hard to give the right thanks for that, but in my experience baked goods never hurt. I whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookies and gave him a Tupperware container full of them, maybe about 2 dozen. Then I hand wrote a note thanking him for helping me find my feet, and I left them on his desk. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am a firm believer in the power of a hand-written note. It is subtle enough that you won't draw attention from your other co-workers, but it means a lot to the person reading it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd also recommend not doing it as a Christmas present. If you hide it behind the motive of Christmas, it feels less sincere. Your Co-worker isn't helping you because a special occasion calls for it, he is helping you because he wants to. Maybe it makes him feel good, maybe he was in the same situation at one point. Whatever it is, he is doing it for his own reasons. Give him a present not because it is Christmas, but because he helped you when you needed it and you wanted to give him something in return.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="20115" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T14:12:36.307" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20282" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20162" CreationDate="2018-12-12T16:49:20.620" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Speak to them honestly, and with humility.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't know their specific situations, you don't know a lot of the details of their lives, and you're willing to admit that you're unsure you are close enough to them to really bring up these kinds of things with them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Whenever I've been in situations like this in the past, I have brought up my concerns honestly and with the preceding caveat that I'm willing to accept that I may be reading things completely wrong. This has worked well for me in the past. Sometimes someone is willing to listen and it goes well. Sometimes you're shot down, but I've never had a negative response go farther than, &quot;It's more complicated than that and I don't want to talk about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Make sure that when you bring this up to them that you are precise in your words. You are telling them &lt;em&gt;what you see&lt;/em&gt; and &lt;em&gt;what you think is happening&lt;/em&gt;. You are not telling them their own objective reality and you definitely don't want to assume their values.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's dangerous to speak, but it's more dangerous not to speak. Take a step forward with full acceptance of your flaws and knowing that it could go poorly otherwise you will be chained to inaction.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2680" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T16:49:20.620" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20286" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20162" CreationDate="2018-12-12T20:54:02.393" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A direct approach will probably not work here. My advice is to peel back the layers of who these people are and what underlying belief is reenforcing their decision to work insane hours. This will require asking a lot of probing questions and then listening sharply to their answer for clues. Pay not so much attention to their superficial answers, but how their answer provides a direction to query why they believe that. What I mean is, the words they say will provide evidence of their reasoning and beliefs yet very few people verbalize their beliefs and often aren't even consciously aware of them. We usually form beliefs subconsciously and then bind them to behaviours based on things we feel are within our control.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Having worked 100hrs/week in the past, I will briefly give my rationale...My priority was always my family. The needs of the family are shelter, food, and ...&lt;em&gt;I don't know..some other stuff&lt;/em&gt;. I need money to maintain shelter and food. My job provides the money, therefor as long as I have my job my family is &lt;em&gt;safe&lt;/em&gt;. Therefor my job must come first before the day-to-day needs of my family. I must make sure work &lt;em&gt;doesn't fail&lt;/em&gt;. I am working 80-100 hrs/week but at least I &lt;strong&gt;feel&lt;/strong&gt; safe and secure knowing I am &lt;em&gt;needed&lt;/em&gt;. Three years go by. Uh oh. My marriage is in shambles due to lack of attention and a number of choices I made for work. We have food and shelter but we are distant, angry and contemptuous of each other and the family is falling apart. In a moment, I realize I am worrying about something that might happen instead of what &lt;em&gt;is&lt;/em&gt; happening now and that there are equally &lt;em&gt;other stuff&lt;/em&gt; in a family I wasn't paying due attention.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Notice I had many &quot;therefor&quot;s in there which is why you must probe deeper than the superficial answer because the true answers lay in a &lt;em&gt;chain of beliefs&lt;/em&gt;. Then the overall belief system creates a &lt;em&gt;plan of action&lt;/em&gt; which is what the people around us see, they don't directly see the belief system.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To bring change in these people's lives you will need to ask a lot probing questions then &lt;em&gt;feedback&lt;/em&gt; to them what they are saying but paraphrased as a belief. Present to them their own rationale and at the point they accept their rationale as presented before them you can add your own evidence for them to consider. This is best presented as a story from your own history or retelling someone else's story. It's not important whose story it is, or even that it is factually true, but that you are presenting it as &quot;a story&quot; which they can decide to accept or not. You are not pushing your own opinion as to how to behave. You can really hit home if you can present how their last belief is in conflict with the first, called a &quot;double bind&quot; such as my own example believing that &quot;family comes first, yadda yadda, therefor work comes first&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Tai Chi Zen Mind teaches that going against force just creates more force, only by accepting their force and moving with it can we easily change the direction of that force with little effort. Same here, accept who they are and the decisions they made as rationale, build rapport so they accept you without resistance, then &lt;em&gt;add more evidence&lt;/em&gt; to their beliefs (apply to the pressure points). They will reevaluate their previous decision and alter behaviour. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's good of you to want to help these people. I wish you the best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18393" LastEditorUserId="18393" LastEditDate="2018-12-12T21:08:32.063" LastActivityDate="2018-12-12T21:08:32.063" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20287" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="7131" CreationDate="2018-12-13T03:27:06.993" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;It sounds like you're trying to address this in the group, i.e. in front of your other friends.  If he has a dominant personality, he might take that as a challenge and dig in further for the onlookers.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Instead, take him aside &lt;em&gt;privately&lt;/em&gt;, tell him that you find these discussions uncomfortable, and ask him politely to stop.  You can do this with more or less &quot;supplication&quot; depending on how much you think he needs it, what you're willing to do, and how strongly you feel; the goals are to (1) get the behavior to stop and (2) avoid hostilities.  I've had success doing this with people who insisted on pushing certain of my buttons (US culture).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="106" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T03:27:06.993" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20288" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9195" CreationDate="2018-12-13T07:33:26.170" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you think she is pregnant and would like to give her your seat, I would suggest to give your seat but not make it about the fact that she is pregnant.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All kind of different people needs a seat. I'm young, not pregnant and look healthy but I often find myself in a position where I need to seat. So, even if this lady your considering giving a seat to isn't pregnant, she might still need to sit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, here is how could propose it without making it about a potential pregnancy:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Excuse me, do you need/want to sit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here nothing about being pregnant is said, you are just offering your seat. However, since you don't give an explanation as to &lt;em&gt;why&lt;/em&gt; you are giving the seat, the other person might wonder and be offended by the reason she thing you have (be it: &quot;she think I'm fat&quot; or &quot;she think I'm an old lady&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To mitigate this risk a can add a reason (other than being pregnant) at the beginning of your proposition. Something like that:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;You seem uncomfortable, do you need/want to sit?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, there is this a chance that the other person thinks: &quot;she thinks I look like crap&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, there is always a chance that you offense the other party and I let it up to you to decide which technic you are more comfortable using.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T07:33:26.170" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20289" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="9195" CreationDate="2018-12-13T08:01:53.817" Score="4" Body="&lt;h1&gt;The (almost) wordless approach&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could try to use body language to subconsciously offer the seat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Try to make eye contact with the lady when she is closing in on your position, if she sees it - simply smile, say Hi, stand up and then walk further down.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By catching her attention and present her with positive body language you would (hopefully) present a welcoming feeling to her, so if she indeed is looking for a seat she would feel more safe choosing your seat.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;This 'less risky' approach can be without any effect&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Of course there's always the chance that she doesn't want to sit there, that she doesn't catch eye contact, or that someone may scoop in and rudely taking the seat without knowing.. However this way you show that you are no longer requiring your seat by standing up and walking away, while abstaining from providing any insinuations, apart from a friendly greeting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="18636" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T08:08:16.013" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20290" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20258" CreationDate="2018-12-13T08:35:43.900" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;Replace the word &quot;celebrity&quot; with &quot;stranger&quot; and you will probably figure out the answer yourself, but...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A celebrity is someone you &lt;em&gt;feel&lt;/em&gt; like you know, but you really do not. They are a stranger to you. You do not really know them, or know how they will react to another stranger (you) approaching them out of the blue. They may be very friendly and understanding, or they may not like it one little bit. They may also be &lt;em&gt;busy&lt;/em&gt;, and even if they are normally nice they may end up being brusque.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you choose to approach them and say hi it is a bit of a lottery as to how they will react. Of course, the more respectful you are of their privacy the more likely they are to respond in a nice way. The worst thing is when you really admire somebody and then they are rude to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I do a little bit of work in the media industry and have spent time in the 'green room' at some of the biggest comic and film conventions. I've had the opportunity to sit back and observe how &quot;normal&quot; certain celebrities act. As such I've been able to strike up conversations with some incredibly nice and down-to-earth celebrities, but I've also recognised a few that just would not respond. Basically, if they have a massive entourage around them and they walk through the room as if nobody else is there then they don't want to be spoken to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At an event like you describe - a book launch - the event is about &lt;em&gt;promotion&lt;/em&gt;, and likely everybody is there for the same reason, to promote themselves or their work. It is probably the best time to speak to a celebrity. My advice would be to make it about their &lt;em&gt;current&lt;/em&gt; work. If they have just released a new book, say hi and talk about the new book, not any old book or something they did twenty years ago. If you have some personal connection to the subject matter then speak about that. Focus on something specific you found interesting about the event.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have also found from experience that people going up to celebrities and asking for a selfie tend to get knocked back, as they come across as a fan. But after I had spent a bit of time talking to certain people about their work I found that if I asked &quot;hey, can I get a quick selfie of us together?&quot; they always agreed. Approaching people on the basis of their work and acting &quot;normal&quot; certainly seems to put celebrities at ease more than plain out fanboy/girling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T08:35:43.900" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20292" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-13T13:19:02.990" Score="3" ViewCount="570" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am currently studying in a high school, and I have several friends. Among them is a girl I like. We have several common interests e.g. gaming, and we're on very good terms and talk a bunch in real life and online. When I'm in a group, it's pretty easy to find topics to talk about; however, when I'm talking to her alone, there are often a few problems:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;a) The conversation gets quite slow, and I run out of things to say. The silence gets quite awkward.&#xA;b) If she makes small 'complaints', e.g. &quot;I'm tired&quot; or is happy about something trivial, I can't find anything to say to that.&#xA;I sometimes end up just smiling awkwardly if the topic before was in some way funny.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Question: &lt;em&gt;What can I do in the above situations? Where can I improve?&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23166" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:56:01.983" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T19:56:01.983" Title="How to start or keep up a conversation with a friend or crush" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;friends&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20293" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20292" CreationDate="2018-12-13T13:35:04.890" Score="6" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;a) The conversation gets quite slow, and I run out of things to say. The silence gets quite awkward. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Ask her questions.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've had my share of both good conversations and bad while attempting to date. The ones that didn't go well typically went south because neither of us asked any questions. Conversely, I had a few start out poorly and turn around because one of us started asking questions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But don't ask just any questions. Ask detailed questions that will require longer answers or lead to follow up questions. For example: instead of asking&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Have you played any new games lately?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You should ask&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;What games have you been playing recently?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Asking specifically about what she is playing will open up opportunities for you to ask even more detailed questions about the specific games that she mentions.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2018-12-13T14:10:47.000" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T14:10:47.000" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20294" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-13T14:58:35.930" Score="13" ViewCount="3417" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;About the relationship&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years now and we have lived together for 2.&#xA;We are both introverts, and we had some trust issues over two years ago, admittedly my fault (watching p*rn videos if useful to know).&#xA;This is my first relationship, and it's her second (the first has gone bad, since the other guy fell in love with another girl, and they broke up the very next day). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;The problem&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Similar to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/19082/how-to-tell-my-girlfriend-im-uncomfortable-with-her-getting-jealous-when-i-look&quot;&gt;How to tell my girlfriend I&amp;#39;m uncomfortable with her getting jealous when I look at other people?&lt;/a&gt;, so I'll try to add more details as possible.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's related to bumping up into other girls when hanging around. Example: in summer it's fairly common to see girls wearing (or &quot;not wearing&quot; as she used to say) shorts/hotpants. In winter pantyhose/leggings are addressed.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;No matter where I look or what I do, I get accused of staring or wanting to leave her for &quot;one of those&quot;. She becomes REALLY aggressive sometimes, shouting and insulting for a while, pretending that I had to keep my eyes closed, or walk behind her (my gf), and such.&#xA;The really frustrating part is that I can literally stick my eyes to the ground but she insists that I'm giving nasty looks at the girls.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is really affecting our relationship and our lives, since she doesn't trust me to go alone to the supermarket anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It &lt;em&gt;might&lt;/em&gt; be addressed as jealousy, but since I have no female friend (only acquaintances) I can't tell that. &lt;em&gt;My real concern is related to her very low self-esteem, maybe because of her previous relationship, or the continuous &quot;appearence competition&quot; with other girls.&lt;/em&gt; (she's following a strict diet to lose weight but does't succeed IMHO because of too much stress, and that is really causing her more frustration)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How I tried to manage the situation&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Badly. I already tried to discuss the matter with her by:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Trying to explain that I am not interested in other women. Furthermore I'm only sick of such random encounter which create unnecessary fights.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Trying to compare our behaviour with our friend/acquaintances in a relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Asked to propose some solutions that would satisfy her but the answers where unfeasible. Example of proposed solution: &quot;stop where you are when you see one and turn the other direction&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To make everything worse each confrontation we have on the matter could easily escalate into verbal and physical violence, so upon the next encounter I become visibly stressed, and her interpretation is that I'm trying my best to not fall for the other girl.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Question&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sorry If I complicated too much the explanation, if needed I will add/remove details. Now the question (edited to just one):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tackle the situation, possibly by making her understand that I'm not interested or attracted by other women just because of their appearence?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Thank you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23167" LastEditorUserId="23167" LastEditDate="2018-12-13T15:55:15.393" LastActivityDate="2020-11-13T18:25:25.767" Title="Girlfriend become aggressive when we bump into other women" Tags="&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="7" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20295" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20294" CreationDate="2018-12-13T15:14:16.227" Score="29" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;her being on very low self-esteem&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That's the heart of the problem.&#xA;It's not that she doesn't trust &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; to stay with her, it's that she doesn't trust &lt;strong&gt;herself&lt;/strong&gt; that she's as good as anyone else, including any other scantly-clad women. I'm pretty sure she would behave the same if her boyfriend was someone else than you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Considering this, all your proposed solutions were doomed to fail, as none of them address the core of the issue, only the consequences of it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She needs to get better with herself, maybe with professionnal help. Have her tell you about &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; she doesn't like you looking at other women (even if you're not - remember, you're not at fault here (even for watching porn, in my book)), why she thinks you'd want to dump her, etc.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal is to make her realise why she's feeling insecure, and work on that insecurity. Reassure her that your intentions are not to blame her, but to find a long-term solution for the both of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You may want to check out this question as well : &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4156/how-to-help-my-girlfriend-get-her-confidence-back&quot;&gt;How to help my girlfriend get her confidence back?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="19880" LastEditorUserId="19880" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T09:18:28.067" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T09:18:28.067" CommentCount="6" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20296" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20294" CreationDate="2018-12-13T15:26:35.667" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;You've tried to have a conversation about each other's feelings. She's tried to make you understand how she feels about these other girls and you've tried to make her understand that you're not interested in them. However, it sounds like you still may not fully understand each other and you both have less patience every time this subject comes up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a case like this, I'd agree to disagree. Accept that the way you view these interactions will not be the same, regardless of how you talk about it&lt;sup&gt;1&lt;/sup&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So if you know that you can't agree on this point, how can you continue to be in a happy trusting relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Set boundaries.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Sit down together and get out a piece of paper and write down a list of boundaries. These boundaries should be created such that if you follow them all to the letter, she can trust that there's no funny business happening and you still have as much freedom as you'd like.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Maybe this list includes &quot;No co-ed hangouts after XX:XX pm,&quot; or &quot;Hangouts with the opposite sex must be in a public place,&quot; etc... but it can also include boundaries for her: &quot;No shouting when upset about girls,&quot; &quot;Nothing physical when upset,&quot; etc...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're out with friends and you girlfriend gets upset about a girl you're with, despite you following the boundaries, it means you've both found out that your boundaries don't correctly express what she wants. Don't panic or devolve into an argument. Give her time to cool off and then have a conversation about how to update the boundaries to prevent this from happening again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The boundaries will never be perfect--a list of rules simply &lt;strong&gt;can't&lt;/strong&gt; properly express someone's feelings. However, the boundaries will act as a foundation of trust and a promise of conversations with a clear purpose and goal in the future when she gets upset about this again.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;PS:&lt;/strong&gt; You say &quot;each confrontation we have on the matter could easily escalate into verbal and physical violence.&quot; If there is any chance of physical violence, I would &lt;strong&gt;strongly&lt;/strong&gt; suggest seeking professional help as this has some of the  hallmarks of an abusive relationship. However, being random internet humans, we're not in a position to judge or diagnose which is why, again, I'd suggest seeing a professional.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;1. This may be possible if you're willing to seek professional help (ie: relationship counseling or some other form of therapy), but I'm addressing your private conversations between each other.&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-12-13T15:38:48.517" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T15:38:48.517" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20297" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20294" CreationDate="2018-12-13T16:59:26.713" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;I want to add to &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/20295/17850&quot;&gt;breversa's answer&lt;/a&gt; that you don't have to hope the problem will resolve itself somehow and suffer her outbursts in the meantime. You can diffuse a situation by adressing her insecurities directly.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can tell her that her accusations are unwarranted:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(She) Don't look at that girl!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) Huh? Which girl?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (She) The one you've been staring at who doesn't wear pants.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) Why would I look at her? &lt;strong&gt;I don't even like how she looks.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (She) You've been staring at her *ss.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) No, I've been staring at the dog behind her that I find rather cute.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can reassure her that you aren't interested in these women:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(She) You'll leave me for one of those.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) But I don't want to leave you. I love you, not some superficial pretty face.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (She) I can't compete in this continuous &quot;appearence competition&quot; with other girls.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) &lt;strong&gt;You don't have to.&lt;/strong&gt; I love you for your pretty smiles and big heart (or whatever you really love on her. Be honest here!)&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (She) I don't believe you!&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) I also love &lt;strong&gt;how you make me feel special&lt;/strong&gt; / make me laugh / make me feel at home (again, be honest. Talk about your feelings towards her). No playboy poster girl could ever make me feel that way. &lt;strong&gt;You're the only one I feel this way with.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If everything else fails, a good strategy is to ask questions instead of declaring your innocense. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;(She) You'll leave me for one of those.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) Why would I do that?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (She) because she's prettier than I am.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) Why do you think I would want to leave you for someone else?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (She) Because that's always how it goes.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  (You) We've been in love for 5 years. Why do you assume I would run off with the first woman I see on the street?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That forces her to actually think about her feelings and reasons for her outbursts instead of just replaying the same old record again. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you simply say &quot;No I didn't look at any woman&quot; she can just as simply declare that she doesn't believe you or that you lie. If you ask her instead &lt;strong&gt;why&lt;/strong&gt; she thinks that you stared at anyone, she has to come up with a reason or at least a presumption. She might realize that there is no reason for her fear or she might confess her fears to you and then you can adress them directly and reassure her of your feelings for her.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17850" LastEditorUserId="17850" LastEditDate="2018-12-13T17:04:33.160" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T17:04:33.160" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20298" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-13T18:09:09.370" Score="4" ViewCount="968" Body="&lt;h1&gt;Background&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I love candy crush and candy crush like games. I love grouping things by color and I'm &lt;em&gt;very&lt;/em&gt; good at it. I play it in my free time, especially when I need to relax my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know such games are targeted to a broader audience but it doesn't mean that they can't be harder in there very own way (trust me, they can!).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;What happened&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Today, during my lunch break, one of my coworkers saw that I was playing a candy crush like game and told me in an almost neutral but still a bit condescending voice:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You are playing candy crush.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I was taken by surprise, I just responded &amp;quot;this isn't candy crush&amp;quot;, he corrected himself (&amp;quot;You are playing a candy crush like&amp;quot;) but the only answer I could come up with was &amp;quot;this isn't candy crush&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note&lt;/strong&gt;: I have had this remark made to me several times in the past and always by people considering themselves as &amp;quot;true players&amp;quot; and who would look down at games for a larger public.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The problem&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't want to defend my game by implying that candy crush players are, indeed, not worthy of respect, but I am because I'm not playing candy crush.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;The question&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the next time, how can I make such a person think about what they are saying and what they are implying when saying it? And how can I make them know that I absolutely disagree with what is implied (that game for casual gamer have less value)?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The perfect outcome would have them agree with me but just making them think about it would be a good start.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;h1&gt;Notes and clarifications&lt;/h1&gt;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;This coworker never talks to me otherwise (and he isn't shy). And I'm pretty sure he wasn't just trying to &amp;quot;make the conversation&amp;quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;I'm also asking for cases where the condescending aspect is clearer (in case you still think that the coworker wasn't condescending)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;For people wondering why I care, I just don't want them to think that people who play those kinds of games are &amp;quot;inferior&amp;quot;, that's all.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T14:54:18.653" Title="Someone criticized my &quot;casual player game&quot;, how to make them think?" Tags="&lt;rudeness&gt;&lt;arguments&gt;" AnswerCount="3" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20299" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20298" CreationDate="2018-12-13T18:32:27.020" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As someone who plays a LOT of mobile games, some like what you describe (match-3 style stuff, which is what Candy Crush is), and others not (I'm not kidding when I say I play a lot of mobile games) - I know how icky that sort of judgement can feel, because people tend to see that sort of game as &quot;easy&quot; or &quot;not a real video game&quot; or the like. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, I'm not sure there is really much you &lt;em&gt;can&lt;/em&gt; say here to convince them. Beyond telling them the name of the game, and that you like playing it and are enjoying spending the time on it. Maybe something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;This isn't Candy Crush, it's . I really like it, it's a nice way for me to pass the time. It might not be your cup of tea, but that's okay, I am sure there are things you find fun that I wouldn't enjoy the same way. Please don't try to take away from my enjoyment of the game, just because it's not something you'd choose for yourself. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And then...leave it. Don't try to push the point - if they're the kind of person who persists after that, then they're not really someone you want to be talking to much anyhow, if they can't let someone else just enjoy a thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you &lt;em&gt;really&lt;/em&gt; want to try to convince them, you could offer to show them what you're playing, let them try it, or give them a couple ideas of what you like about it (perhaps where the challenge lies, like how the levels get harder and they introduce new mechanics to make it harder, maybe explain your favourite mechanic in the game that makes it fun and challenging for you), but chances are, they're likely to still be dismissive, if they've already decided they are &quot;above&quot; this sort of gaming. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's unfortunate, but realizing that you can't always change someone's opinion of a thing with a simple statement is sometimes important. Just remember that it's okay to like what you like, and ask yourself what you would gain if you used the time to convince them what you like is valuable, instead of using the time to beat that tricky level that's been eluding you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If it is less about making them understand the value of the game, and more about you not wanting them to be so condescending, though, I'd not bother with much more than what I said above. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="75" LastEditorUserId="75" LastEditDate="2018-12-13T18:59:59.170" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T18:59:59.170" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20301" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20298" CreationDate="2018-12-13T18:54:44.810" Score="11" Body="&lt;p&gt;People will always have their own judgments about various things, the easiest way I have found to deal with the vast majority is to give a very non-committal response to which they can't argue.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Them: you are playing [insert game]&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  you: *shrug* hey, I enjoy it  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Boom, just like that they can't argue what you like and without having fed them any details as to what you enjoy about it they likely have nothing else to add after their first statement. If you don't want to bother starting a debate with them and trying to convince them of the value of your game preference this is a very fast and efficient method to have them move on.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17872" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T18:54:44.810" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20302" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20294" CreationDate="2018-12-13T19:12:14.973" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;We have often heard of the gender-reversed situation- a man telling a woman where she can look, what she can do, and where she can go so long as it's with him because he &quot;doesn't trust her&quot;.  What you've described is controlling-behavior and it's not part of a healthy relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've gone through each of your points, and while I found them very accommodating on your part- none of them addressed her behavior.  All solutions addressed how you should respond to her controlling behavior.  You have to address her behavior and set boundaries.  I like scohe001's answer to &quot;Set Boundaries&quot;.  It's good to have boundaries, and I would add- have consequences if those boundaries are broken.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;each confrontation we have on the matter could easily escalate into&#xA;  verbal and physical violence&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I think the physical violence part is unacceptable.  If you seek &lt;em&gt;mutual-respect&lt;/em&gt; then neither of you should control or hit the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can easily google &quot;mutual respect in relationships&quot; and research how important this is in relationships.  Here is one definition from &lt;a href=&quot;http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/buildingblocks/respect.html&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;www.centersforfamilychange.com/relationship_problems_respect.htm&lt;/a&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Mutual respect is a very simple concept. It means that you treat your&#xA;  spouse or partner in a thoughtful and courteous way. It means that you&#xA;  avoid treating each other in rude and disrespectful ways, e.g., you do&#xA;  not engage in name calling, and do not insult or demean your spouse or&#xA;  partner.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That doesn't sound anything like what you described here unfortunately.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would set a boundary that mutual respect is given and received- and apply it to your relationship.  You can tell her directly or let her look up the definition herself.  If mutual respect (the boundary) is broken- let there be a consequence (you decide what that is).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21528" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T19:12:14.973" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20303" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20298" CreationDate="2018-12-13T19:38:45.113" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say that you want to &quot;&lt;em&gt;make such a person think about what they are saying and what they are implying when saying it.&lt;/em&gt;&quot; But then you also say &quot;&lt;em&gt;This coworker never talks to me otherwise.&lt;/em&gt;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now imagine that there's someone at work who you never talk to, and the first time you go over and comment on something they're doing, they give you an earful about how you've insulted them and the way you've phrased things is insinuating all of these things you never even thought of. You'd probably avoid that coworker as someone you don't really want to talk to.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If I were in your situation, I'd stick with my personal policy on matters with relative strangers: &lt;strong&gt;always assume the best intentions.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't think you have anything to gain by giving him a lecture or trying to get him to change the way he sees your game. After all, he's a virtual stranger to you and you to him. Instead, depending on the amount of condescension in his voice and your patience at the moment, I'd respond to either try to engage him in a conversation or just brush him off.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From more conversational to more brushing off, these would look like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; You're playing a Candy Crush-like game.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah! Do you play any phone games?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; You're playing a Candy Crush-like game.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah, I find it helps me relax and get my mind off work.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; You're playing a Candy Crush-like game.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Yup!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; You're playing a Candy Crush-like game.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Yeah, so?&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;sub&gt;&lt;sup&gt;Credit to @Federico&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/sub&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;nbsp;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; You're playing a Candy Crush-like game.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; How astute of you to notice.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or a bonus V for Vendetta reference (credit to @HansJanssen):&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Him:&lt;/strong&gt; You're playing a Candy Crush-like game.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;  &lt;strong&gt;You:&lt;/strong&gt; Your powers of observation continue to serve you well.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T14:44:29.943" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T14:44:29.943" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20305" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20306" CreationDate="2018-12-13T22:10:11.697" Score="7" ViewCount="2531" Body="&lt;p&gt;Someone has recognised that their behaviour toward me was unacceptable. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What can I say that acknowledge the have apologised without thanking them for it? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm stuck with :&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Thanks, I appreciate your apology....&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Clarification:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A number of people have asked why I didn't want to thank them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'd been talking to the person over several messages to get to the bottom of their issue. Afterwards, they apologise for the number of messages, not for what we had been discussing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm sorry for all those messages, please accept my apologies&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The apology was out of character and a step forward in the relationship but was for the number of messages, not for what we were discussing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So the response: &quot;Thanks, I appreciate the apology..&quot; felt wrong.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was concerned that by thanking them, they would think the issue was resolved, however they'd apologised for something that wasn't an issue.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23171" LastEditorUserId="23171" LastEditDate="2018-12-18T14:51:54.750" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T14:51:54.750" Title="How to acknowledge an apology without saying thanks" Tags="&lt;conflicts&gt;&lt;autism-spectrum&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20306" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20305" CreationDate="2018-12-13T22:16:03.013" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;In English, it's typical to respond to an apology with &quot;Apology accepted.&quot; followed by a change of subject. This may look like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Apology accepted. Now let's get some pizza!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In fact, looking at &lt;a href=&quot;https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=apology+accepted%2C+appreciate+your+apology&amp;amp;year_start=1800&amp;amp;year_end=2000&amp;amp;corpus=15&amp;amp;smoothing=3&amp;amp;share=&amp;amp;direct_url=t1%3B%2Capology%20accepted%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cappreciate%20your%20apology%3B%2Cc0&quot; rel=&quot;noreferrer&quot;&gt;Google Ngrams&lt;/a&gt;, &quot;Apology accepted&quot; is actually a lot more popular than &quot;...appreciate your apology.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-12-13T22:21:48.130" LastActivityDate="2018-12-13T22:21:48.130" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20307" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20308" CreationDate="2018-12-14T05:53:31.227" Score="4" ViewCount="613" Body="&lt;p&gt;In college, I had a fairly close knit group of friends that I played games with pretty regularly. That group primarily consisted of 4 people, myself, Alice, Bob, and Sam, with others joining depending on who everyone was friends or roommates with at the time. Alice and Bob started dating after a while, and myself and Sam became pretty close friends, and that was the situation when we all graduated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's now been a couple of years, and things have changed quite a bit. Alice and Bob moved out of state for grad school, while myself and Sam stayed in our college town. Since college, Sam and I have stopped being friends for various reasons, and I believe Alice and Bob have stopped dating, though I have been unable to confirm that. I'm also reasonably sure that Bob/Alice have the same level of ambiguity over whether Sam and I are friends now. I don't really hang out with the peripheral friends anymore, because for the most part they were all everyone else's friends or roommates, not strictly speaking mine, and our interests drifted apart over time. So, these days, the old friend group really doesn't exist in the same way.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bob is coming back to the state for Christmas this year, and messaged me to see if I wanted to get people back together to play games. I'm not necessarily opposed to the idea, but I don't want to do the social lifting of trying to plan it, especially with people who are disinterested in playing games and have blown me off in the past. At the same time, I really don't want him to invite both me and Sam in a group chat with everybody, or anything similar, because of how awkward it would be. So I want to try and figure out what the social situation would be if we did play, to try and head off the problems at the pass.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, given that, my question is twofold: how can I tactfully ask Bob whether he's broken up with Alice, and if he would want her to come (is this even appropriate to ask? I have 0 experience here...), while also explaining to him that Sam and I are no longer friends, and that he cannot invite us both to any get together?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5841" LastEditorUserId="5841" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T06:16:58.287" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T06:39:01.720" Title="How to clarify relationship status with friend you haven't talked to in 2 years?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;approach&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20308" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20307" CreationDate="2018-12-14T06:39:01.720" Score="2" Body="&lt;p&gt;Being straight to the point and not sugar-coating anything will accomplish your goal and help you, as well as everyone else involved, avoid a potentially awkward holiday party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You mentioned that you were all pretty close friends during your time in college. Bob is more than likely going to be receptive to a question about his relationship status with Alice. Losing touch with close friends doesn't revert your status to &quot;stranger I've barely talked to&quot;, and the topic may be a great place to start catching up. Still, it depends on whether or not he's willing to talk about that; terse and disinterested responses about Alice will show that it's not a topic he'd prefer to discuss, while more lengthy and involved responses will show otherwise. Either way, you'll get your answer about whether or not they are still together, and from that conversation hopefully you'll be able to deduce whether or not he'd appreciate Alice being invited. If it's still unclear, just ask him!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, would you be okay with inviting Alice to our party?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For your second concern, it might almost feel like a mirror of the first question! You are now in Bob's shoes; how do you tell your friend about the status of your friendship with Sam? Ultimately, it's up to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can either keep it short and put the bottom line up front:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wouldn't consider Sam and I to be close friends anymore, and it would be uncomfortable having her around at the party.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or elaborate more:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Well, Sam and I haven't been on very good terms as friends. A while back this happened... and then that happened...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you decide to go with the shorter option, Bob is inevitably going to ask you, &quot;Why?&quot; If you really prefer not to discuss it in detail, you can simply say something along the lines of:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's a long story, I'd rather not go into detail about it. Let's look forward to catching up and sharing good times together instead!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16487" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T06:39:01.720" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20309" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-14T06:48:53.117" Score="16" ViewCount="916" Body="&lt;p&gt;I currently have a friend that I’ve been talking to for many months. I find that it’s become draining on my emotional health to continue seeing them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this case, I have developed feelings for them because of their own flirtatious nature. They don’t intend to lure people in and have expressed adamance against a relationship since the beginning. They do however appreciate our friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My belief is, that in order to recover, I need to avoid their presence altogether so I can begin to move on. I don’t see myself losing feelings for them being in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;How can I tell them I don’t feel it’s in both of our interests to continue socializing without devaluing anything we had?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My goal is to leave the friendship as gracefully possible and to let us both move on with the least amount of hurt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23099" LastEditorUserId="23099" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T17:11:11.340" LastActivityDate="2019-01-04T05:26:15.620" Title="How to tell someone you no longer wish to see them?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="10" FavoriteCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20310" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20305" CreationDate="2018-12-14T06:56:38.360" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;If someone is apolozing it means he realized what wrong he did and now there is no conflicts between you both.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You could simply say, &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;It's alright, holding no grudge against you. You realized my side, it's enough for me.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I also don't choose to say 'thanks' but instead of thanking the person directly one could thanks or appreciate person's effort for realizing your end(how you felt when someone was misbehaving) and accepting their blunt.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If in case he/she is your close friend it's better to go on positive side like offer a walk/ride together or ask to take beverages outside, spent some time together. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23004" LastEditorUserId="550" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T13:56:50.427" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T13:56:50.427" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20311" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20292" CreationDate="2018-12-14T07:27:12.143" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;As you both are in high school there is lot to learn and explore things and this will help you for making an interesting conversation very often.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you wrote that you two have common interests. Look for the thing in which you and she are interested to learn or planning to achieve a good reputation in that particular game or any field. Get your chess(for example) skills leveled up and help her with it to get her better too.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you most likely have unlimited chances to talk her very frequent or if you could find good point of her interest, she could start looking for you in her free time.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you both get comfortable and enjoying being together, you could talk lot of things. :)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Conclusion: Improve your skills in a game or at any subject that you and she interested in, this would not only give you opportunities to talk with her but also you will be benefited by improving these skills in future.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23004" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T07:27:12.143" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20315" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20309" CreationDate="2018-12-14T15:04:42.900" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;You say in a comment that you &quot;believe [you] should try to be as truthful as possible&quot; and I can't tell you how much I respect that. It's no easy task to deliver tough news like this to someone close to you, but I really admire that you've chosen to be honest here. So how can you tell the truth without hurting your friend?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In a lot of ways, this feels similar to a breakup, so I'd treat it like one. When telling him that you don't want to be friends, I'd try for an &quot;It's not you, it's me.&quot; kind of message. Focus on using &lt;a href=&quot;https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;&quot;I feel&quot; statements&lt;/a&gt; to prevent your friend from closing up and getting defensive. &lt;strong&gt;You've&lt;/strong&gt; been feeling drained lately. &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; feel like you need some time away from the friendship. &lt;strong&gt;You&lt;/strong&gt; feel like they've been an amazing friend and you want to come back to them, but you just need some time first.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In addition to the above, I'd strongly advise against bringing up your attraction to them. This is already a messy situation and it would likely only complicate matters if you brought that into the equation. You want your friend to know that you love them in your life but you need a break for now. Adding the fact that you may or may not have developed feelings for them would only distract from this message and likely send the wrong one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Best of luck!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11811" LastEditorUserId="11811" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T15:16:11.160" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T15:16:11.160" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20316" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-14T17:03:46.557" Score="12" ViewCount="1069" Body="&lt;p&gt;During my company's Christmas party one colleague got extremely drunk. He then went to me, put his arm around me and his hand on my behind. I found this both annoying and highly inappropriate and pushed his hand away. He did it again later in the evening. When he did it the third time I raised my voice a bit while telling him to stop and that was enough to stop him. However from his body language I think he felt like I overreacted.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know this colleague very well. I have talked to him professionally and exchanged a polite sentence or two over the coffee machine.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since I fear that he genuinely does not understand that his behavior was inappropriate, I would like to talk to him. My goal is to make him understand that touching someone's behind without their consent is not okay. Ideally I would like to make sure he won't do it again, but I mostly don't want him to be able to say (even to himself) that he didn't know he should not do something like that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;On the other hand I would like to make as little fuss as possible. His behavior did not scar me for life, I just found it quite annoying.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another thing that makes me think he does not understand what he did wrong is that another colleague told me that this behavior was not unusual for that guy when he gets drunk. Said colleague however also said that the groping colleague is usually a friendly guy (when he is sober). He has also always been friendly in our brief encounters at the workplace.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am considering talking to him one on one and just telling him that he made me feel uncomfortable. I am however afraid that he might just brush it of as me being oversensitive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am thankful for any pointers to how I can communicate effectively in this situation.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23175" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:53:47.610" LastActivityDate="2018-12-15T23:06:20.577" Title="How to tell a colleague that touching my behind at the christmas party was not ok" Tags="&lt;work-environment&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;sexual-harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="2" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20318" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20316" CreationDate="2018-12-14T17:57:59.753" Score="14" Body="&lt;p&gt;If you truly want to communicate with him about this issue &lt;em&gt;and have him listen to you without detriment to your work relationship&lt;/em&gt;, it's vital to start the conversation in the least confrontational way as possible.  If you start the conversation off too &quot;aggressively&quot;, there's a good chance that most people in his position will &quot;wall up&quot; and not listen or provide any return communication to you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My approach, when trying to start a conversation with someone I'm irritated with, is to bring it up in a way that doesn't make the person feel like they're being reprimanded or put on the spot (regardless of the wrong-ness of their actions).  You could try something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;Hey! (small talk, as to not immediately set off any alarms) While I have you here, I wanted to talk to you about the Christmas party.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At this point, don't give him a chance to interject or try to guess what you're about to bring up.  Focus in on how &lt;em&gt;you&lt;/em&gt; feel in completion. &lt;strong&gt;This isn't a conversation or a debate, don't ask any questions or give him a chance to fight back on whether or not his behavior was OK&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;(cont)... about the Christmas party.&lt;/em&gt; I felt like I was having trouble expressing my comfort level when you kept putting your arm around me, so I wanted to clarify that while others may be okay with it, I don't really like anyone touching me like that.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When you do this, &lt;strong&gt;use &quot;I feel&quot; vs &quot;You did _____&quot; statements&lt;/strong&gt; to lower the risk of alienating him, because, again, &lt;strong&gt;if you make it sound like you're actively angry or that the relationship has been tainted by his behavior, your odds of keeping this low-fuss will be slim to none&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Finally, &lt;em&gt;don't end the conversation on this note&lt;/em&gt;.  Stopping with the above would still be leaving him in a place where he may feel the need to respond with justification for his behavior, which you don't want.  C&lt;strong&gt;lose your overall statement by making him feel like you're still on the same team, not angry or upset, just stating this so that you both understand one another.&lt;/strong&gt;  This could be something like:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;&lt;em&gt;(cont)... like that.&lt;/em&gt; I'd like to keep enjoying our work relationship as it is, so hopefully this helps for both of us to better understand each other.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last but not least, &lt;strong&gt;tone is everything&lt;/strong&gt; in situations like this.  You can't be sure whether this person is oblivious or just kind of a &lt;em&gt;butthead&lt;/em&gt;, so do everything in your power to speak confidently and not falter when delivering your message.  While it's important not to use aggressive language/tone that may alienate him from hearing you, it is also important to not use such a passive tone that a potential &lt;em&gt;butthead&lt;/em&gt; may see opportunity to further antagonize or take advantage of you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your tone should resonate that of:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm not angry, upset, or otherwise emotional.  These are facts.  Regardless of how you feel, &lt;em&gt;I&lt;/em&gt; felt uneasy by this, and I am telling you so you do not do again.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;And avoid anything resembling:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&quot;I'm angry, upset, or some kind of emotional.  These are my feelings I'm telling you about, I want you to apologize and be understanding.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Be strong, confident, and sold on what you have to say before you say it, and this tone should come naturally.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T17:57:59.753" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20319" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-14T18:18:16.990" Score="10" ViewCount="1163" Body="&lt;p&gt;A friend of mine, who was one year behind in college and in the same graduate program, will soon graduate and is in the look out for a job. This friend has being asking me for advice (I'm very well employed), but every time I tell him something, he doesn't follow on my recommendations. For example:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I provided him with information about job fairs in our area; he didn't attend any.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I redirected him to the local employment office and the university counselors; he says he went, but they weren't useful (the account of his interactions are sparse and confused so I doubt he has intentions to truly rely on these resources.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I invited him to a party where the head of recruitment of a company would be; he didn't show up.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I set him up for a internship in a branch of our company; he accepted and later declined without providing a convincing excuse (leaving me slightly embarrassed with my higher-ups.)&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It could be that I'm expressing myself in a way that is unclear or intimidating, although I think I've done it thoughtfully and tactfully. Also, I suspect my friend hasn't open up about all the personal issues that are affecting his behavior, like fear of moving away and possibly depression, but I can clearly see that he is intimidated by the idea of starting a new stage in his life. &lt;strong&gt;In any case, I'm getting convinced that I'm not the right person to provide him with advice.&lt;/strong&gt; On my side, I have to add that after all I'm not a professional counselor or therapist, and seeing a person I regard highly act so carelessly about his future is starting to take a toll on me.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I sincerely believe my friend is a good person from the interactions we had in the past, although our friendship has stalled for some months. Nonetheless, I still want the best for him. &lt;strong&gt;I want to tell him I don't want to give him more advice without hurting what remains of his self-confidence.&lt;/strong&gt; What is the best way to approach this type of conversation?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="22506" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:53:23.613" LastActivityDate="2019-07-04T12:40:22.547" Title="How to tell a friend I don't want to continue giving him advice?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;saying-no&gt;&lt;jobs&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20320" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20319" CreationDate="2018-12-14T19:01:56.133" Score="7" Body="&lt;p&gt;At this point you can honestly say to your friend that you haven't been successful in getting him employed.  Instead of you providing more suggestions, try redirecting him to some local resources, within the college or within the town.  Or suggestions with places for him to look to find these job fairs or internships.  Approach it not as &quot;I don't want to help you&quot; but rather as &quot;obviously what I'm doing hasn't been effective, here's some other ways to approach the problem&quot;.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As you say in your question, you're not a counselor and your friend sounds like he needs more help than you can provide.  In fact, ideally if the college has career counseling they may be able to help. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6299" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T19:01:56.133" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20321" PostTypeId="5" CreationDate="2018-12-14T19:28:32.003" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;A landlord is the person or business that owns a house, apartment, or other residence that is rented by another party (a tenant). Most cities/states/countries have laws regulating the landlord/tenant relationship. Questions in this tag should focus on resolving disputes between landlord and tenant without seeking legal action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="11659" LastEditDate="2019-05-24T20:26:40.907" LastActivityDate="2019-05-24T20:26:40.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20322" PostTypeId="4" CreationDate="2018-12-14T19:28:32.003" Score="0" Body="For questions about interacting with your landlord or as a landlord to your tenant." OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-14T19:28:32.003" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T19:28:32.003" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20323" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20319" CreationDate="2018-12-14T20:55:01.993" Score="4" Body="&lt;p&gt;Since you're worried about discouraging your friend (or otherwise harming his already low ability to self-motivate), the best approach is probably going to to &lt;strong&gt;indirectly ween him off of desiring your advice by making your advice much less useful than it has been&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, &lt;strong&gt;avoid bringing up specifics of how he has failed/disappointed/embarrassed you.&lt;/strong&gt;  Instead, focus on positive phrasing and support without actually offering your own resources.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For example, instead of taking your time to offer specific career fairs, party invites, or job offers, &lt;strong&gt;try giving shallow (but still sincere) advice that he should already be able to deduce from previous advice you've given him&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;You could try seeing if there are any more job fairs in the area.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;or&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;You could try checking out Indeed for job listings.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The goal is to not put him on the spot for coming up short historically, while &lt;strong&gt;making it clear that your effort at this point is limited&lt;/strong&gt;. You aren't going to put time and effort into finding specifics for him anymore.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he prods you for specifics, such as specific job fairs, you can then take it a step further by giving him an alternate source for this information:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&amp;quot;I don't know any off the top of my head, sorry.  I would try searching for 'job fairs near me' online, that should pull something up.&amp;quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Although it may take a few iterations, &lt;strong&gt;he will eventually quit asking for so much advice because you aren't offering him anything truly valuable anymore&lt;/strong&gt; (i.e. doing the searching for him). You've already provided him with tons of ideas, options, and avenues he can take to move forward, it's &lt;em&gt;his&lt;/em&gt; decision to actually take the first step to do so.  Keep reminding him that the tools are there for him to begin his search any day (and make sure you don't do any of the work for him) and chances are high that he will quit asking you for so much time/effort just to stand you up.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;hr /&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;From an answer I wrote for &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/9042/how-to-tell-people-im-not-their-tech-support/9043#9043&quot;&gt;How to tell people I&amp;#39;m not their tech support?&lt;/a&gt; which covers many of the same skills suggested above:&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Providing your friends and family with information of where they should be looking maintains your ability to still sound helpful and supportive, while training them to be sufficient in finding this info for themselves, without depending on you.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Alternatively, not teaching them how to find the info themselves (saying &amp;quot;I can't help, sorry&amp;quot;) will likely leave them feeling like you DO know the answer and just don't want to help (because in their minds you know it all)! This is why walking through the exercise just a few times with them is worth the taken time, even if it's still a but frustrating.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="8936" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T21:00:08.983" CommentCount="3" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20324" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-14T22:50:08.207" Score="4" ViewCount="293" Body="&lt;p&gt;Some days I feel more depressed and anxious than normal and hence I am not very sociable and talkative like I normally would be. I worry that my friends would take it as being rude to them though I do not do anything that is particularly rude, I am just less talkative and energetic. How could I avoid being perceived as cold or rude to people, especially friends? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4272" LastEditorUserId="3150" LastEditDate="2018-12-15T15:22:57.187" LastActivityDate="2018-12-15T15:22:57.187" Title="How to avoid being perceived as cold or rude to people while only being depressed?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;depression&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20325" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20324" CreationDate="2018-12-14T23:28:19.200" Score="4" Body="&lt;h3&gt;No. Making your friends aware that it sometimes happens should be enough, if you want to tell them at all.&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;There are a few reasons I think that apologizing every time is not necessary.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Depression tends to be cyclical.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From your question it seems that your depression comes and goes. Your friends, once aware of your depression, shouldn't need regular reminders to appreciate a perceptible, identifiable change in your behavior. Apologizing every time may become tiresome, as there is nothing any of you can do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;2&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Your social perception while depressed is probably not very reliable.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I don't know you personally, nor the manifestation of depression in your particular case. But I would hazard a guess that it is not so different from my own, or those of others I know, in this respect. I imagine that you are particularly anxious about this while in the midst of a depressive episode, and that it is not based on something clearly communicated from your friends. It's plausible, even likely, that these concerns are mostly (if not entirely) in your head. If you want to know how your friends perceive your behavior when you are depressed, you can ask them:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I was a bit out of sorts yesterday. Did it seem like I was being rude to you?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;3&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Whatever the reason, friends should be able to appreciate differences in mood, regardless of the exact reason.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Depression isn't the &lt;em&gt;only&lt;/em&gt; reason that people might feel less sociable on a given day, and you don't really &lt;em&gt;owe&lt;/em&gt; any particular amount of perkiness or gregariousness to your friends. You're certainly allowed to not feel like going out, doing certain things, or being chatty. If you wouldn't apologize in every such instance (and most people would not), I don't see why you would need to here.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;ol start=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;There may not be an actual problem.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As above, you can ask your friends to find out if there is any issue related to those days when you are less enthusiastic about social interactions. But without that information from them, it's possible (even likely) that you are overinterpreting events. If you are feeling depressed and are quieter than normal, that doesn't automatically mean that your friends are feeling slighted. If they're not upset, then there isn't anything to apologize for.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-14T23:35:46.907" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20327" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-15T11:35:51.743" Score="8" ViewCount="924" Body="&lt;p&gt;A few days ago my flatmate [22, F] and me [26, M] went to a party. She was asking me which of two guys she should hook up with. It was more jokingly, at least I thought and she also told me it's just a joke. Later at that evening she went on to flirt heavily with the guy I said was better. At some point we wanted to go home together, however that third guy was coming with us. As we waited outside for him, I asked her, what exactly is going on between them. She told me a few time it's nothing and they already spoke together and it's just fun and all. But she also said, &quot;maybe I'm going home with him, you never now&quot;. and seconds later &quot;no no, I wanna go home with you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I then said, I'd feel uncomfortable if there is something serious going on between them and I'm driving home with them. I'd feel like a third wheel. If that's the case, I'd rather go home alone. She suddenly became pretty pissed and told me I acted really bad, and she then told me to go home alone.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She came home a few minutes after me and I wanted to talk about the incident, however she said she doesn't want to. I pressured her to still do it, cause I'd just feel bad otherwise and don't want to go to bed angry. In her opinion she wouldn't feel uncomfortable at this situation and so shouldn't I. I think however it's not that hard to understand that someone might not like that situation. Another point of her was, what would happen, if he was to be her boyfriend. I said to her, that's something else, then they know each other and I wouldn't feel like I'm just annoying them, since they'd spent more than enough time together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the next day I tried it again and said, I'd like to say sorry, but I'm still not sure what about. Her reaction was a &quot;ok. thanks -- long pause -- I guess&quot;. We talked a little, but nothing productive really.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;3 days later she seems to be still mad. I feel kind of uncomfortable since we live together and I don't like all the tension. She isn't saying anything just giving very short answers, doesn't show any interest in me whatsoever (something she usually does, like 'how are you?', 'what are you doing today?'....)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I keep thinking about all of this and assume I'm missing something. I'm not sure if she maybe thinks of me as a big brother and wanted to introduce this guy to me. I showed that I'm not a big fan of either of the two guys she asked me to chose from. Maybe she wanted to change my mind on them. (I didn't like them because I heard them say stuff like &quot;I'd love to bang Alice sometimes as well&quot; and &quot;Jane got a nice ass&quot;.... )&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a side note: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I have feelings for her, which makes all of this very hard for me. I don't know if she knows it. She might have figures it out, we are kinda flirting, but it might be seen as just friendly flirting as well.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;I was a little energetic that evening. Not screaming or aggressive. I asked her a few times to just clarify whats going on between them so I can decide whether I wanna join them or not.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Since the last two conversations didn't really solve anything, I am asking for advice for a third one: How do I start it, without coming across too insisting/annoying?&#xA;How can I get a proper answer on what exactly she is pissed at? I feel like she doesn't really know either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23183" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-15T19:01:14.487" LastActivityDate="2018-12-15T19:01:14.487" Title="How can I ask my flatmate why she's upset after I mentioned feeling like a third wheel?" Tags="&lt;conversations&gt;&lt;germany&gt;&lt;roommates&gt;&lt;romance&gt;&lt;parties&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="0" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20328" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20327" CreationDate="2018-12-15T13:59:33.253" Score="12" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I have feelings for her&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This is obvious from your post. Does she know?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;A few days ago my flatmate [22, F] and me [26, M] went to a party. She was asking me which of two guys she should hook up with. It was more jokingly, at least I thought and she also told me it's just a joke. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Several possibilities:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hypothesis Buddies:&lt;/strong&gt; She is not interested in you either sexually or romantically, yet she values your input and is simply asking for your opinion on these dudes like she would ask any other girl friend what she thinks.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hypothesis Fun:&lt;/strong&gt; She's just teasing you and having fun, it's a joke, she's simply thinking out loud, you should have answered with a joke like pointing towards a random pretty girl and say &quot;I like this one a lot better than your options.&quot; Or anything else.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For both, even if it's only a joke she's implying that the two dudes in question aren't really important to her since she considers them interchangeable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In these two scenarii, she's pissed because you took it all wayyyy too seriously and turned the whole evening into drama just because of something she said which she thought was innocuous and fun. That's understandable, but maybe not enough to explain how she's still hostile three days later...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hypothesis Attraction:&lt;/strong&gt; She was actually interested in you, thought you were willing, and handed you a huge opportunity on a silver platter with cherry on top to just laugh and answer &quot;Naaah, you should go home with me instead.&quot;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In this scenario, she's pissed because the clue she gave you was so obvious (to her) that the only reason she can imagine why you did not bring her home is that you're not interested in her. So she thinks you rejected her, and that's very insulting to her, and she's still giving you the cold shoulder three days later. That's believable.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Hypothesis Mean:&lt;/strong&gt; she knows you like her and is teasing you in a rather mean way.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm not fond of this one. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Your hypothesis:&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;She maybe thinks of me as a big brother and wanted to introduce this guy to me. I showed that I'm not a big fan of either of the two guys she asked me to chose from. Maybe she wanted to change my mind on them. (I didn't like them because I heard them say stuff like &quot;I'd love to bang Alice sometimes as well&quot; and &quot;Jane got a nice ass&quot;....&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This scenario is pretty bad for you because if she thought you were her big brother, then you disappointed her severely by acting like her whiny little brother instead, and she had to babysit you while you were having a tantrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;As we waited outside for him, I asked her, what exactly is going on between them. She told me a few time it's nothing and they already spoke together and it's just fun and all. But she also said, &quot;maybe I'm going home with him, you never now&quot;. and seconds later &quot;no no, I wanna go home with you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Lean against the wall and watch her figure it out. Do not intervene while she's having her little meltdown, or you will be responsible of the consequences (as you no doubt noticed by now). She's simply thinking out loud and letting it out. After she changes her mind a few more times, you can &quot;Hmm-hmm&quot; with an amused smile, until you get her to spout &quot;My god, I'm acting like a teenager&quot; or something like that. Then she's gonna hate you for not making up your mind for her, then hate you some more for about two minutes because you're having fun watching her. Keep &quot;hmm-hmm&quot;'ing while she does all the rest of the conversation for you, makes up her mind, and eventually concludes that you're &quot;such a good listener&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;She isn't saying anything just giving very short answers, doesn't show any interest in me whatsoever (something she usually does, like 'how are you?', 'what are you doing today?'....)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;  &#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I keep thinking about all of this and assume I'm missing something. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Well, duh.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Here's what I recommend:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;1) Re-read this stuff you wrote:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I wanted to talk about the incident, however she said she doesn't want to. I pressured her to still do it, cause I'd just feel bad otherwise&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You shouldn't have &quot;pressured&quot; her, that's rude and only made her angrier. You'd &quot;pressure&quot; a non-paying customer, but certainly not a friend. You should have said &quot;It's okay, we can talk later.&quot; and definitely not end the sentence with something that puts the guilt on her like &quot;...when you feel like talking.&quot; or &quot;...when you've calmed down&quot;. Well, you can say that if you want to belittle and insult her, but that's probably not a good idea under these circumstances...&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I mean, you sound like she owes you something and you're entitled to it. That's bad.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2) Now I want you to repeat after me: &quot;No-one cares about my feelings...&quot; enough times that it sinks in:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; wanted to talk about the incident, however she said she doesn't want to. I pressured her to still do it, &lt;strong&gt;cause I'd just feel bad&lt;/strong&gt; otherwise&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;She was angry, yet you prioritized your own feelings over hers, which obviously made her even angrier. Not talking would make you feel bad, so you pressured her which upset her instead. Well, at least now you're both miserable, so there's always that! &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So, don't. Next time, listen instead of talking, and try to stop for a second to see things from her perspective.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Am I wrong for not wanting to be in the group &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Can't answer that.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Since the last two conversations didn't really solve anything, I am asking for advice for a third one&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Cook a nice dinner, setup the table, put a candle on it (unlit), invite her, say you're sorry for behaving like an immature idiot. Now you got Schrödinger's date: she doesn't know if it's officially a date or you just making amends as a friend, which means she'll have to figure it out, which should make things interesting. Who knows, maybe you can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat?....&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2135" LastActivityDate="2018-12-15T13:59:33.253" CommentCount="4" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20329" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-15T17:52:32.840" Score="16" ViewCount="2825" Body="&lt;p&gt;I have a close friend that I know since college, we share almost every interest, and we were lucky enough to get hired at the same company.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My problem is, with the metoo and timesup movement my friend is starting to share his personal views on women and they're pretty extreme. At parties, he'll happily declare he's an anti-feminist and misogynist. He's proudly states companies that don't hire women are doing the right thing, or as he put it: &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;if they do hire them, all they're hiring is a future sexual harassment  lawsuit.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When we watch TV, and the news reveals a male celebrity has been accused of sexual harassment, he'll openly show his disappointment and take the side of the male. He says a lot more worse things about women, but I think you get the idea.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I tried telling him upfront, but we got into a heated argument, with him stating that it's his right to free speech, etc.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If this continues, I'm seriously considering dropping him as a friend. I don't share his views, and I have a few female friends that I wish to keep. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to do politely and sternly tell him to stop expressing those views in public? Or at least when I'm not around?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user23128" LastEditorUserId="12054" LastEditDate="2019-07-16T14:51:42.293" LastActivityDate="2019-07-17T06:10:38.003" Title="How to politely tell a friend that his views on women are extreme?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;sexual-harassment&gt;" AnswerCount="6" CommentCount="4" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20330" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20329" CreationDate="2018-12-15T18:15:20.610" Score="18" Body="&lt;p&gt;Let me start by saying that it's a shame someone you seem so compatible with interest-wise is expressing such hateful and backwards ideas. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You're in a tough spot. Changing the behavior of others is difficult and often impossible when one is not in a position of authority. Consider a conversation between a vegetarian and a carnivore where one tries to convince the other to change their dietary habits. It is extremely unlikely that the carnivore can convince the vegetarian to give up their moral/ethical/ecological reasons for not eating meat. On the other hand, it is just as unlikely that the vegetarian can convince the carnivore to give up a food group that they enjoy and do not see as harmful in the same ways as the vegetarian does. So, telling your friend what to say, as you have experienced, will not be effective in changing their behavior. They are simply exercising their right to free speech, as they have stated.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;A more effective strategy, I find, when faced with a situation where the other party is behaving in an unpalatable way is to set a &lt;em&gt;boundary&lt;/em&gt;. Setting a boundary defines a set of behaviors or actions you are willing to tolerate in interaction with a person or group. Boundaries come in many flavors and take into consideration individual goals and group dynamics/power balances. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;All relationships have boundaries. For example, you don't crack the same jokes with your boss in the workplace that you would while hanging out with a friend. Or perhaps a stranger would not speak intimately with you about personal issues as they would a close friend. These boundaries serve to prevent uncomfortable or otherwise undesirable situations. The tough part of boundaries is often enforcing them; the act of doing so can be very uncomfortable in its self, but is done in order to prevent the repetition of other, more acute, discomfort. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In your case, the friend and yourself are equals (outside of work), but your desire is not to be exposed to or associated with the friend's misogynistic views. If your friend wants to maintain a relationship with you in the same way that you do with them, they may choose to forego their misogynistic comments in the face of a boundary such as &quot;Friend, your views make me uncomfortable and I would rather you not express them when we're hanging out.&quot; You can express your interest in remaining friends, and cite the numerous points of compatibility between you two as supporting points for the boundary and to clarify that the boundary is in good faith. However, if your friend feels the need to promote their values, you will need to enforce such a boundary by limiting contact with this friend. You can express your boundary as many times as you like, but when you feel it's been disrespected, it will have become clear that this friend has chosen to continue promoting their values in lieu of maintaining friendship with you. If this becomes the case, your relationships with others may be damaged by association with your friend's views. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have never found it comfortable to end relationships. In your case, I believe you stand to lose more by staying friends with this person then you stand to gain. You could attempt to get to the root of their misogynistic views and educate them, but this process will likely be friction-intensive.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the day, all you can do is tell your friend what you are willing to tolerate and hope that they respect your wishes. If respecting you is not on their agenda, ending the friendship is a wise course of action.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17163" LastEditorUserId="17163" LastEditDate="2018-12-15T19:51:46.190" LastActivityDate="2018-12-15T19:51:46.190" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20332" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20316" CreationDate="2018-12-15T23:06:20.577" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;So this person seems to behave Ok when they are sober (according to people who know him), and misbehaved towards you while drunk, and seems to have done this on other occasions while drunk (according to a colleague who knows him). In other words, this is a person who should avoid getting drunk since they cannot handle it properly. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may not even be aware of what he is doing. So he needs to be told by someone that he misbehaves when drunk and that it is not acceptable. That someone could be you. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you want to avoid an argument, you can do this by sending an email, stating the facts, and leaving no room for argument. For example: &quot;On the party yesterday, you were drunk, and you behaved inappropriately towards me not once, but three times. I expect an apology. &quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What happens next depends on his answer. He can make his problem go away by apologising, which would be the wisest thing to do. And most people don't like having to apologise, so he might drink less or watch himself better when drunk in the future. So there is a good chance that you will get an apology, with possible improvent in his behaviour, and with no fuss. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may genuinely not know what he did, since he was drunk. In that case you tell him what he did, and again this might get you an apology. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If he claims he knows he didn't do anything, or if he claims that what he did was Ok, then unfortunately you will have to escalate this. You can send another email: &quot;I expect an apology within 24 hours, and no further inappropriate behaviour. Otherwise, I will have to escalate the matter&quot;, and then you can escalate it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="556" LastActivityDate="2018-12-15T23:06:20.577" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20335" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="8437" CreationDate="2018-12-16T14:34:53.057" Score="-1" Body="&lt;p&gt;I would say that it's better to focus on trying to understand why your husband likes that instead of trying to express what you want. Usually, when we feel that our proposal may be rejected, we will have an insecurity, and this insecurity will make others insecure as well, and both sides will be dragged into a vicious cycle with no way out.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The ability to help each of you discover a new facet of your partner is that both persons work out to find the exact reasons why he likes this and you don't. &lt;strong&gt;Why do you feel oral sex disgusting, and why does he like it? What memories bring you two to your current situation?&lt;/strong&gt; When you have answers for this, you and your husband will be surprised for yourself and each other, and your memories will be appreciated by the other.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By getting to the mindset of exploring the other's perspective instead of telling it is bad without reasons, both of you can see the benefits to construct the conversation, instead of having insecurities and having to sugarcoat it. The &lt;a href=&quot;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;I-message&lt;/a&gt; will be used reflexively, and you will listen mindfully and be curious for a perspective you don't know of, instead of feeling frustrated or attacked.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If both of you can approach the other's preference with a mindset of curiosity, then both of you will be opened, and you don't have to ask this question at the first place.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="86" LastEditorUserId="86" LastEditDate="2018-12-18T13:02:48.727" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T13:02:48.727" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20341" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-17T11:03:46.963" Score="-2" ViewCount="608" Body="&lt;p&gt;&lt;sup&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Note:&lt;/strong&gt;  In this story, I will call my ex-girlfriend as Clara and her friend as Susan.&lt;/sup&gt;   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;2 years ago Clara and I broke up because we knew that our situation couldn't maintain it. It was a dysfunctional relationship coupled with philosophical misconceptions on her side and immature knowledge on my side; not to mention stresses about money and from relatives. I decided to terminate it so I would have time to fix it. This required hard work, and she couldn't believe that I could do that, but now I confidently say that my job is finished.    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For various reasons the way I terminated it hurt her, and now basically she dismisses and degrades me. One year ago I messaged her friend Susan, but she said that there was no hope, that I was not Clara, and that I should have focused on my happiness first. For the rest of the conversation she just kept silent (e.g. my Facebook messages were marked as &quot;seen&quot;).   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From &lt;a href=&quot;https://kletische.com/get-someone-try-new-things/&quot; rel=&quot;nofollow noreferrer&quot;&gt;How to Get Someone to Try New Things&lt;/a&gt;, I learned that as long as I have a perfect combination of words to message her, then I could open the doors that both Clara and Susan locked on me. But it also means that if my first contact ends up badly, then they will close themselves tighter than before. I want to act carefully. I intend to send Susan this:   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I now have the answer for the question: &quot;you are not her, how do you know what she wants?&quot;. Do you want to hear it?   &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have consulted a friend of mine, and she is convinced that I know what Clara wants, and urges me to contact her. But for various reasons I want to talk to Susan first so that she will tell Clara to contact me, and this is where my friend worries that Susan won't answer me. She thinks that if she were Susan, she wouldn't want a person who had made her friend sad approaches her again. Whether I can prove to Susan that I'm qualified to get back into a relationship with Clara is irrelevant; she needs to see that Clara won't be hurt again. But the only way to show Susan that Clara won't be hurt again is for her to listen to me before judging me. &lt;strong&gt;She needs to help me understand what she doesn't understand, and this requires effort.&lt;/strong&gt;    &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Honestly I think there is no reason for Susan to keep silent with me this time, but to be extremely cautious I want to hear what you think. How can I approach Susan and make her understand I need her to listen to me before trying to talk to Clara? The country is Vietnam and the philosophy is Taoism.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="86" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-12-17T11:30:43.027" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T20:57:14.833" Title="How can I make sure that my ex's friend will help me to work out the situation?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;texting&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="6" ClosedDate="2018-12-19T23:35:04.537" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20342" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20341" CreationDate="2018-12-17T11:36:50.327" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;As I understand it, the Taoist view of relationships is, broadly, that love must constantly change to grow with those involved. I'm not a Taoist, but I'd agree with that statement, and a similar idea is probably believed by most people no matter what their culture or philosophy. People &lt;em&gt;do&lt;/em&gt; change through their lives. But there lies the flaw in the rest of your logic - you broke up with Clara 2 years ago, during which time she will have changed considerably, yet you believe that you know what she wants better than her friend Susan does. Your understanding of what Clara wants is 2 years out of date.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The text you quoted - &lt;em&gt;How to Get Someone to Try New Things&lt;/em&gt; - from which you appear to have derived the idea that there is a specific combination of words which could win Clara back seems to be at odds with the Taoist teaching of &lt;em&gt;actions and their retributions&lt;/em&gt;. Again, I'm not a Taoist, but most people accept that all actions have &lt;em&gt;consequences&lt;/em&gt;. You should consider the possibility that your &lt;em&gt;action&lt;/em&gt; of ending the relationship 2 years ago has the far-reaching consequence that you will never get back together.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;That said, if you &lt;em&gt;want&lt;/em&gt; Clara back, then no matter what your philosophy, you should at least &lt;em&gt;try&lt;/em&gt;; but you do need to be prepared for her &lt;em&gt;not&lt;/em&gt; to respond, and to respect her wishes if that is the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I believe that a relationship lasts when two people have genuine love based on truth, and when both have the same goals. If you lie about who you are or what you are truly like, then love is based on a lie, and it cannot last. That is why you should not look for any special combination of words that will win her back - I don't believe any such &quot;magic&quot; words exist. Well-thought-out words that express &lt;em&gt;how you really feel&lt;/em&gt; are your best chance.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You don't really explain what it is that you wish to communicate to Clara, but it appears that you have to go through Susan in order to speak to her. Again, I would advocate an honest, open message to Susan. Perhaps say:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I understand that as Clara's friend you wish to protect her from being hurt again. I have made changes in my life and I want another chance to make Clara happy, not to hurt her. I will respect what Clara wants.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ultimately, the relationship was/is between Clara and you. Susan may be an important figure in Clara's life but if she truly respects what Clara wants, and Clara changes her mind, then Susan will go along with that. If possible, take your conversation directly to Clara.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="6663" LastActivityDate="2018-12-17T11:36:50.327" CommentCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20344" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-17T14:29:39.203" Score="6" ViewCount="664" Body="&lt;p&gt;Two quick notes about my brother, 21M:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;His personality type is stubborn and borderline obnoxious at times&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;He will help anyone with very little notice or thought&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The root of the problem is he believes that our family of 4 (so 3 other people) do not return the favors he gives us.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Our opinion is that he almost always asks us to do something with him (drive to town, go outside and pick up something, etc), but it has to be done within a few minutes or he gets upset. So there are there many instances where we say we're in the middle of something (&quot;Can you give me a couple hours?&quot;, &quot;What about tomorrow?&quot;, etc).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For me, 22M, specifically, I always give him a few days heads up when I would like us to hangout or I need help. My schedule is super busy so I treat everyone else's the same. Therefore he can arrange his plans accordingly if he chooses to help.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How can we talk to him so that he will agree to give us more notice?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23197" LastEditorUserId="23197" LastEditDate="2018-12-18T11:50:11.240" LastActivityDate="2018-12-23T16:35:49.197" Title="Brother thinks no one wants to hang out with him" Tags="&lt;united-states&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;requests&gt;" AnswerCount="1" CommentCount="5" FavoriteCount="2" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20345" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20319" CreationDate="2018-12-17T15:49:23.573" Score="6" Body="&lt;p&gt;Your friend needs some tough love. Specifically, someone needs to confront him (kindly) about the fact that &lt;em&gt;no matter what he says, his actions show that he doesn't actually want a job.&lt;/em&gt; If he wanted one, he would have taken the internship you set up for him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As your reason for not giving him more job search help, focus on the fact that &lt;em&gt;he has to decide what he wants first&lt;/em&gt;. Depending on how bad his mental health is, the right advice may be to take some time off and seek treatment. Or the right advice may be to bite the bullet and really square himself to the idea of starting his working life. You may have an opinion on which of those two options is best for him, but if you don't, you can still make it clear to him that this is the choice he has to make. If he wants to continue pretending to search for jobs, there's no point in you helping him out with advice and internships, and you're on firm ground to tell him exactly this.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user16341" LastActivityDate="2018-12-17T15:49:23.573" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20347" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="15920" CreationDate="2018-12-17T19:41:35.143" Score="3" Body="&lt;p&gt;Other answers have suggested avoiding explaining that your husband has autism and agree that it could be a good idea. However, if you still want to tell your acquaintances about the autism without them badly judging your husband because of that, here is how I suggest doing it:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;First of all, you need to know that, in my experience, it's the people who have the less knowledge about autism that tend to judge the most. Knowing that, if you want your acquaintance to be less judgy, I will need to educate them.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For this &quot;education part&quot;, you have two options:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;One, educate them first, then explain that your husband is on the autism spectrum.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Two, do the opposite and start by telling that your husband has autism before explaining what it means.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Personally, I will go with the education option first. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you start by telling that your husband has autism, people will immediately have a (probably false) representation of what it is and what it means. Then, when you will start explaining what it actually is, they might get suspicious and think that you are making up excuses for your husband. This means that you will have to fight twice as hard to convince them it's not the case.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, if you start by telling them more about autism, they are more likely to listen with an open mind as they won't suspect/think that you have an ulterior motive to tell lies to them (even if, in both cases, you won't lie).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;At the end of the explanation, or even later, you can they drop a casual:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Oh, by the way, my husband is on the autism spectrum.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This way you show them that it's not a big deal and that they shouldn't take it as one either.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It's important to note that this technic probably works better if you wait at least a couple of day after the explanation of &quot;what is autism&quot; to tell them that your husband is on the spectrum. This way they had the time to assimilate what you talk to them about and to accept it as the truth. They are then less likely to think that you are just &quot;making excuses&quot; to your husband. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Introducing the topic of autism&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To educate your acquaintance about autism, you need to bring the topic on the table first. In order to do that without it sounding too forced/weird, I will suggest using a technic I called &quot;The random fact conversation&quot; (I already talked about it &lt;a href=&quot;https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/18306/21067&quot;&gt;here&lt;/a&gt;).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The idea basically is to choose a weird/unexpected/funny fact about a topic (here, autism) and start a conversation by saying:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Did you know that...?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I use this technic often with my family and there are quite used to it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Another way to educate your acquaintance is to send them interesting articles/video about autism. You can introduce the message like this:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I read this article and found it very interesting, so I'm sharing it with you now.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, depending on your relationship with said acquaintance, this could be seen as a little weird (for example, if you never talk in writing and only see each other once a year).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I bit of background about me&lt;/strong&gt;:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm, myself, on the autism spectrum. Some time ago I had to announce to my family that I was autistic (it was a lat diagnose). Everyone didn't take it the same way but it seems that the one who already had good knowledge about autism took it better than the one who didn't.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21067" LastEditorUserId="21067" LastEditDate="2018-12-19T09:36:35.310" LastActivityDate="2018-12-19T09:36:35.310" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20348" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20351" CreationDate="2018-12-17T21:27:42.897" Score="8" ViewCount="2733" Body="&lt;p&gt;First of all I want to express that I feel this question belongs in here and not in &lt;a href=&quot;https://workplace.stackexchange.com&quot;&gt;workplace&lt;/a&gt; because it's an interpersonal thing more than a work thing and I'd like a more general answer.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;So I was talking (via slack) with my project manager and she asked me to take a look at a document to double check it, I found a mistake and made her know and she said &lt;code&gt;that was dumb of me&lt;/code&gt;. I didn't know what to say afterwards so I waited for her next message to continue the conversation but it took a few minutes while she fixed the mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is something that you can answer when someone calls themselves dumb without being rude or inappropriate? I feel like laughing it of and or agreeing would be very rude.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="2737" LastEditorUserId="3171" LastEditDate="2018-12-17T22:07:18.770" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T02:56:15.440" Title="How to react to a coworker calling themselves dumb?" Tags="&lt;politeness&gt;&lt;coworkers&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20350" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20348" CreationDate="2018-12-17T22:33:00.333" Score="5" Body="&lt;p&gt;I agree with only_pro that you're overinterpreting your boss' comment a little bit, but I think that the most general response (which you can use with anyone, including someone you don't know well) which accomplishes your goal is to emphasize how small of an issue it is:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Other person: Wow, that was dumb of me!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You: Nah, everyone does [whatever mistake happened] sometimes.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This lets you respond directly to the comment, reassure the other person that their mistake was not very important, and reject the stated premise that the mistake happening indicates that that person is dumb (or whatever word they use).&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;This explicitly addresses the goals stated in the question given your preference for not brushing off the comment. However, in nearly all situations only_pro's suggestion would also be considered appropriate. It's a rare situation where someone makes this sort of &amp;quot;I'm dumb&amp;quot; comment and really means it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4188" LastEditorUserId="-1" LastEditDate="2020-06-18T08:27:29.197" LastActivityDate="2018-12-17T22:33:00.333" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20351" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20348" CreationDate="2018-12-18T02:56:15.440" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;I am dumb is different than that was dumb of me. A smart person can do a dumb thing. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The main problem is that this is over text and not in person. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would answer with &quot;Well, it's easy enough to fix! I know you'll catch it next time!&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or &quot;Proof that even smart people sometimes make mistakes! ;)&quot; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Or &quot;Thanks for fixing it, the rest is excellent.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I know that emojis aren't professional, but they help in messaging because you can't convey feeling.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;When a person berates themselves they are often looking for positive reassurance that this isn't the norm for them and that you appreciate them. Of course if it were me, it would be something I would say when I made a stupid mistake. Not to fish for a compliment but to let the other person know that I understand the mistake.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T02:56:15.440" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20353" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20329" CreationDate="2018-12-18T07:07:01.197" Score="26" Body="&lt;p&gt;Free speech doesn't mean free from consequence. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You have free speech as well. Speak up every dang time. &quot;I disagree with every single thing you just said.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;If he keeps going on, let him know that you like women, and you like having female friends, and while he does have free speech, his loud declaration of those views might have some unforeseen consequences, like you being unwilling to hang out with him anymore. Free speech, again, doesn't mean free from consequences. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Set those boundaries. Cut him off AT THE MOMENT he does it. &quot;I disagree with your views and don't want to discuss it.&quot; If he responds with &quot;FREE SPEECH.&quot; &quot;You are free to speak, I am free to move elsewhere in this party.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can have a heart to heart conversation where you point out the good stuff, but finish with &quot;I would ask that you respect me and not talk about your extreme viewpoints in front of me. Surely you have other topics of conversation. Hopefully. I'd like to remain friends.&quot; And he could say &quot;FREE SPEECH&quot; and the answer is &quot;Free speech doesn't mean you can say whatever you want free from social consequences. Not in the amendment, I'm afraid.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You can't control what he does when you are not around. But you can make it clear that you are not down with hearing any of it when you are. If he chooses to express those views when you aren't there, I don't know that there's much you can do about it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;By calling him on it, every single time, you are letting him know what is socially acceptable around you. What he chooses to do with that is up to him. You just politely repeat these for as long as you need to. The above is the counter to the &quot;free speech&quot; argument. Which isn't so much an argument as a misunderstanding about how people actually work and what free speech actually means. Explain it. Let him know that continuing to express reviews that repugnant to you is damaging your friendship. He's free to say what he likes, and you're free to inform him of the consequences of that. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your friend will either care that you're uncomfortable or he won't. If he does, you can remain friends. If he doesn't, why would you want to remain friends who can't shut up about a particular subject to the determinant of a friendship. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From his point of view he might not want a friend who &quot;censors his speech&quot; but you can ask him if he curses in front of his mother or tells her sex stories. Of course he doesn't. He's censoring his OWN speech because a) he would be uncomfortable and b) he cares about not making his mother uncomfortable. People censor their own speech all the time with friends and family. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The benefit of approaching it this way is that you lay out exact what the consequences of his &quot;free speech&quot; are, and you have a counter argument. Ultimately his decision and his capacity for empathy will determine what he does with it. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="16967" LastEditorUserId="16967" LastEditDate="2018-12-18T18:51:39.110" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T18:51:39.110" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20355" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20358" CreationDate="2018-12-18T08:16:32.300" Score="11" ViewCount="4632" Body="&lt;p&gt;My boyfriend and I have been in a &lt;strong&gt;serious relationship&lt;/strong&gt; for a few years.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I have known of this female friend ever since but have never met. &lt;strong&gt;She visited him once&lt;/strong&gt; where he lives now and stayed over in his room for about a week. They have remained in contact but now she is on an exchange in another country and &lt;strong&gt;she has asked him&lt;/strong&gt; to visit her. She has a one room student accommodation where he would be able to sleep on a spare bed. The issue is really that they have some history, &lt;strong&gt;she was his first love&lt;/strong&gt; (unrequited) and that makes me uncomfortable with the situation. I am unable to go with him for work reasons and I don't feel comfortable watching him &lt;strong&gt;go there alone&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;EDIT:&lt;/strong&gt; He has never shown unfaithfulness at the time or ever really. I am more just uncomfortable with her, she is known as the most attractive girl that all his friends are into and I don't trust her. I don't want to push him away or cut him off from his friends but I also don't really like the idea of him going.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ol&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How can I express to my boyfriend that I don't feel comfortable with this situation without sounding like blackmailing?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;How to tell my boyfriend I really don't trust this friend and I need something from his side to comfort me?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ol&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23203" LastEditorUserId="23099" LastEditDate="2018-12-20T09:46:52.900" LastActivityDate="2018-12-20T09:46:52.900" Title="How can I express to my boyfriend that I don't feel comfortable with this situation without sounding like blackmailing him?" Tags="&lt;friends&gt;&lt;relationships&gt;&lt;jealousy&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="3" FavoriteCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20356" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20319" CreationDate="2018-12-18T12:29:39.557" Score="0" Body="&lt;p&gt;First I want to reassure you : from what you've explained, his job search hasn't failed because of you. You cannot job search in place of your friend. He has to do the work, and right now he's not doing it. Not because you didn't help enough or well enough or said the wrong thing, but because of his own issues. He might have mental health problems, or he might be just lazy, who knows. But don't beat yourself up over it.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To me, the best way to tell him you're not up discussing his job search anymore is by being kindly honest. Next time he asks you for your advice, just tell him you've already given him all the advice and resources you could think of, and it hasn't worked for him. Than give him one last time some resources (like the local employment office and the university counselors) as a starting point to find help elsewhere. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If you're not good of thinking of what to say on the spot, the best way to have this talk in an effective and positive way is by having prepared a script and rehearse it a bit. When the time comes, you'll know exactly what to say. Since you won't be scrambling to find your words, you'll be able to say all this in a calm and confident manner. People take their cues from you, so if you're calm and warm instead of nervous and negative, you won't turn this awkward conversation in a horrible one.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;If after this he comes back to you for advice again, just ask him &quot;Have you gone to xxx office ?&quot;. When he says no or something vague, just say &quot;I'm sorry, like I said I'm out of ideas, that's why I recommended you some places which helped me in my job search. I can't help you&quot;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;One last thing : personally, I would flat out tell a friend I cannot help them anymore after they let me down with that internship. I'd still wish the best for them, even send them job openings if I see any, but would tell them I'm not vouching for them anymore. I'd explain how their actions reflected badly on me at my current job, and I don't want to take the risk again. I know you don't want your friend to feel bad and keep things positive, but knowing how his behavior impacts others might be a good lesson (and motivator) for him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="21195" LastEditorUserId="21195" LastEditDate="2019-01-23T16:10:09.967" LastActivityDate="2019-01-23T16:10:09.967" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20357" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20329" CreationDate="2018-12-18T12:38:47.867" Score="1" Body="&lt;p&gt;In terms of approaches to convincing him not to air these views in public, I have found connecting your arguments to people in his life, rather than statistics, news stories etc. to be a good starting point. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;He may not have a sister, daughter or female friends, but presumably he has a mother or at least some female relatives. Would he like them to be automatically turned down for every role because they are a 'future sexual harassment lawsuit'? &#xA;Likewise, you could tell him that you are now reticent to go places with him as you don't want to expose women who are important in your life to his, frankly, offensive views. &#xA;It's a little easier to keep a conversation civil if you're specifically talking about your mother and his mother, rather than a distant celebrity. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, as a general note, I would really consider no longer associating with this person, even though ending friendships is difficult. &#xA;You said yourself these views do not align with your own and, from a more selfish angle, associating yourself closely with a person broadcasting these views loudly may lead to a negative impression of you in work or social situations. &#xA;The comment about not hiring women is particularly troubling - working in the same company and knowing that he holds this view which is contrary to employment law in many countries, puts you in an awkward position.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23206" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T12:38:47.867" CommentCount="1" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20358" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20355" CreationDate="2018-12-18T12:40:56.963" Score="9" Body="&lt;p&gt;Well. First things first, you should tell him how you feel. That is never blackmail, as long as you internalize it. They are your feelings, you own them and the reaction to them. (He is not &lt;strong&gt;making&lt;/strong&gt; you feel something, you just &lt;strong&gt;are feeling&lt;/strong&gt;)&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;[Boyfriend_name_here], I really don't feel comfortable you staying at sinister_threat_name_here. It is not that I don't trust you, it just makes me feel really bad that you'll be in another girls' bedroom overnight.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;From there you can take it in several directions. But you really should own up to that it is by its base &lt;strong&gt;your&lt;/strong&gt; problem &lt;strong&gt;if&lt;/strong&gt; you trust him. Right? If you trust him, you'll not be upset by him being close to temptation. Definition of trust, or close to it. You can still feel bad about the situation, though - but it is then &lt;strong&gt;your problem&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; have to make the solution. So, make arrangements to your schedule that allows for you to feel better about it, or try to exchange favor for favor - the point is not coming across as if he owes you or has to. The words &quot;please&quot; and &quot;I'll make it up to you&quot; usually helps.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;As a final point, if you don't trust him, then just say so. Yeah, that'll be an uncomfortable talk, but it is better dealt with upfront. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;I want to trust you that much, but trust takes time to build and we haven't gotten there.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;And again, this is not because he has done something to &quot;lose&quot; your trust, it just hasn't built up to that point yet. Your trust doesn't come easy and it doesn't come fast, but you are aware this creates a problem for him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;In any case, these things are difficult partly because trust is one of those things where we usually overestimate our stock. We usually say we have more than we have. This is fairly common. Talking honestly about it helps build more. Good luck&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="5494" LastEditorUserId="4550" LastEditDate="2018-12-18T13:09:46.850" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T13:09:46.850" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20360" PostTypeId="1" AcceptedAnswerId="20362" CreationDate="2018-12-18T14:10:58.457" Score="7" ViewCount="603" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Background&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I turned 23 yesterday. Last year, my mother forgot my birthday, mostly because she was working in a country in a timezone 6+ hours behind mine and didn't realize it was that late at my place. I was in a really dark place at that time, which mostly explains why I got mad at her for forgetting. I called her in tears and told her she forgot me on an important day, and she profusely apologized for not wishing me my birthday. Couple of times this year, she mentioned the story during family gatherings and told my relatives how ashamed she was for forgetting.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Current situation&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I'm no longer in this dark place and she knows I've healed and am happy now. I was waiting for her call yesterday but it didn't happen. I didn't want her to realize day(s) later that she forgot again and felt bad about it so, at 9:30 PM I jokingly texted her:&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;So, it seems like you forgot which day it is so I'm texting you in order to avoid the crisis we went through last year ^^&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;To which she responded by immediately calling me, and I could feel she was on the verge of crying. She just left work (which explains why she didn't think about it) and felt terrible for forgetting again, profusely apologized and insinuated throughout the whole call that she is a terrible mother and that I don't deserve her. I felt terrible because the whole point was to avoid her to feel bad. She wasn't used to forgetting my birthday, it's only the second time. I used to make of birthdays (mine, and others') a pretty big deal; I don't anymore, but I don't think she knows about that.&lt;br&gt;&#xA;Later on that night she continuously texted me to apologize again, telling me how much she loves me and that I don't deserve her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;What I tried&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;Telling her (both on the phone and by texts) that it was okay, that it was not a big deal and that I loved her. It didn't stop her from sending me more of those messages and I'm afraid she'll try to make up for it by buying me an expensive present that I don't want both because of my own guilt for making her feel that way and because I don't need anything.&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I would like my mother to forgive herself for forgetting my birthday and let her know that I don't hold any grudge at her because of it. How to reassure my mother about the fact that forgetting my birthday does not mean I'm mad at her?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="4550" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T15:41:36.213" Title="How to reassure my mother about the fact that forgetting my birthday does not mean I'm mad at her?" Tags="&lt;awkward-situations&gt;&lt;family&gt;&lt;birthdays&gt;" AnswerCount="2" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20361" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20360" CreationDate="2018-12-18T14:28:34.053" Score="7" Body="&lt;h3&gt;Explain that your text was a joke&lt;/h3&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;It can be very difficult to convey a joke through text. You said that you tried&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;Telling her (both on the phone and by texts) that it was okay, that it was not a big deal and that I loved her. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;But you never told her that your message was meant as a joke. By saying that it's not a big deal, you imply that it did bother you at least a little. She is already interpreting your text as if you were at least somewhat upset by her forgetting your birthday. You need to make sure that she understands that you were joking and meant nothing by your text.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I've often found myself in the same situation with my finacee where I try to make a joke and it gets interpreted incorrectly. The easiest way to fix the issue is by explaining that I only meant to make a joke. When I do this, we then have a conversation about &lt;em&gt;how&lt;/em&gt; it was intended as a joke and why it wasn't interpreted as one. This has the added benefit of preventing the same situation from happening in the future, because we both learn a little bit more about how each other communicates.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="11659" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T14:28:34.053" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20362" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20360" CreationDate="2018-12-18T14:37:35.943" Score="8" Body="&lt;blockquote&gt;&#xA;  &lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;How to reassure my mother about the fact that forgetting my birthday does not mean I'm mad at her?&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Crazy thought, but ... don't do anything at all, don't take any intiative. My mom sometimes thinks she's a terrible mom for doing certain things (like pushing me to buy extra nice clothes, while I prefer to wear a plain jeans and sweater). Afterwards, she apologizes and explains such pushing is mainly driven by her not having such nice clothes as a kid and forgetting not every kid may care about these things. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;The best way for us to deal with those incidents is to act like they're really not a big incident at all. One of the ways of doing so is for me to accept the apology, and then act like nothing happened in the first place. I've been in your situation too, where I made jokes about something mom did wrong in the past, and it only led to more apologies and a more insecure mom. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Bringing this up (from your side) and reassuring your mom you really aren't mad a second/third time might only make her feel more insecure. Why would you keep bringing it up if it was no big deal? Apparently it's still on your mind, so it must have done something. Are you holding a grudge, and showing it through remarks that you can later brush off as 'just a joke'? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You've already tried reassuring her with words, now it's time to show it with actions.&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Accept your moms apologies with good grace, if your mom brings it up again, feel free to reassure her just like you've done now, make remarks pointing out it was nothing, that you weren't all that serious the second time (perhaps apologize for making a joke in bad taste, one that made her more insecure). &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Reassure your mom when she seems to need it, perhaps find something she does really well so you can boost her confidence with a compliment or two in the future about the things she does for you that you do appreciate, but &lt;strong&gt;don't bring this up yourself again&lt;/strong&gt;. What you did to reassure your mom at the moment is fine, now it's time to just show your mom that she's apologized enough and you both can move on.  &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="1599" LastEditorUserId="1599" LastEditDate="2018-12-18T15:41:36.213" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T15:41:36.213" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20363" PostTypeId="2" ParentId="20355" CreationDate="2018-12-18T14:41:07.140" Score="3" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Focus on your boyfriend&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;TL;DR&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You don't trust her. Fair enough. Trust your boyfriend instead, it's much safer.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Talk to him to find solutions so you feel better during his trip (regular calls, information about this girl)&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Don't make him cancel his plans because you don't feel safe about it. It's not healthy and it will cost you.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;hr&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What I thought as lack of context, actually might be &lt;strong&gt;showing something from your perspective&lt;/strong&gt; on this issue.&#xA;You made a lot of references of her and &quot;them&quot;, and quite few about &lt;strong&gt;him&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Your opinion on her may be &lt;strong&gt;pretty oriented&lt;/strong&gt;. The fact that she was his first love, and &quot;she is really attractive, said other guys&quot; &lt;strong&gt;could be a red flag&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;It might also be you &lt;strong&gt;finding every bit of possible reasons having her in your radar&lt;/strong&gt; and comfort yourself doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I assume you already were together when this sinister_threat_name_here (@Stian Yttervik I couldn't dare change that name)&#xA;stayed over in his room. As you are still together, I also assume &lt;strong&gt;everything ended up okay&lt;/strong&gt;!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;You said two times &lt;strong&gt;you don't trust her&lt;/strong&gt;, but &lt;strong&gt;never that you trust him&lt;/strong&gt; even if &quot;He has never shown unfaithfulness at the time or ever really&quot;.&#xA;It seems to me that you see him as a guy without any will that could be turned at any moment if that girl just decide anything.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;However, &lt;strong&gt;he is with YOU&lt;/strong&gt;. And that should be it, but it's never that simple right?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;My ex use to be very attractive (to me, and other guys. &lt;strong&gt;Or more likely&lt;/strong&gt;, I use to think every guy on earth found her attractive!) &#xA;She had a lot of dear friends, including single guys, including one who formerly was in love with her.&#xA;Spoiler alert, she isn't my ex now because she is with one of them, but one of the reasons probaby is the trust problem I had with her!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Now i'm not saying you are wrong and shouldn't feel that way.&#xA;But it doesn't really matter that you don't trust her, as &lt;strong&gt;you should trust your partner instead&lt;/strong&gt;, and it should be much more &lt;strong&gt;conforting&lt;/strong&gt; and &lt;strong&gt;important&lt;/strong&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Still, as &lt;strong&gt;you are not comfortable&lt;/strong&gt; with this situation, and you are in a serious relationship, &lt;strong&gt;both&lt;/strong&gt; of you need to &lt;strong&gt;find a solution&lt;/strong&gt; to this problem. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;ul&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let's try to &lt;strong&gt;enforce that trust&lt;/strong&gt;. Try to identify your fears, and talk to him about it in a safe space, so you can communicate about it.&#xA;This wouldn't be about this girl, but about your relation in general. Is there something lacking from your perspective? What is it? He needs to know.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Discuss with him about anything that could &lt;strong&gt;make you feel better&lt;/strong&gt; during the trip. &#xA;Him &lt;strong&gt;calling&lt;/strong&gt; you on &lt;strong&gt;regular basis&lt;/strong&gt;, maybe &lt;strong&gt;you&lt;/strong&gt; getting a &lt;strong&gt;first contact with this girl&lt;/strong&gt;? Asking about their current relation?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;You might see her as a threat, but &lt;strong&gt;it's fairly possible to be very wrong&lt;/strong&gt;. Do you have all the information about this girl? &#xA;She might like someone else or they might be 100% friend with nothing else. &lt;strong&gt;Your boyfriend&lt;/strong&gt; want to visit her, it's okay to be curious and try to understand in what state she currently is. &lt;strong&gt;It might be so obvious for him&lt;/strong&gt;, so he doesn't even &lt;strong&gt;realize there is an issue&lt;/strong&gt; for you here.&#xA;You can find some comfort doing so.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;&#xA;&lt;/ul&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;What could also help :&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Ask your boyfriend to call her when you are around.&#xA;During the discussion, he would then mention naturally that you are here with him at this moment.&#xA;If she hears your voices or knows your presence on the back, you become real.&#xA;They can then discuss about the trip, and you could naturally be included in the discussions. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Even if this is doable, I wouldn't advise you to convince him not to go.&lt;/strong&gt;&#xA;For couples and friends, &lt;strong&gt;it takes a long time&lt;/strong&gt; to build some &quot;&lt;strong&gt;caring-capital&lt;/strong&gt;&quot;, and &lt;strong&gt;such action has a great cost of it&lt;/strong&gt;.&#xA;He needs to decide by himself, and also, makes sure his girlfriend feels good and secure with this.&#xA;After all, he could very much face a situation alike, later on, and would be glad to see kindness and understanding from your side!&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerDisplayName="user22642" LastEditorDisplayName="user22642" LastEditDate="2018-12-18T16:44:15.467" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T16:44:15.467" CommentCount="0" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20364" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-18T15:36:34.577" Score="3" ViewCount="391" Body="&lt;p&gt;This child (girl, approx. 13-14 yrs old) is not only unappreciative of what is given to her (across the board... regardless of the gift or the giver, she says Thank You to NO ONE, and actually complains under her breath), she is also just downright surly towards others. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Her dad and stepmother say nothing to her in the presence of others attending, and I am weary of spending money on people who act as though they don't even like me. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I might add that her other four siblings (of various ages) DO appreciate their gifts and respond in kind, without being prompted to do so by their parents.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;I am about to say something very blunt, which will probably not be well received. How do I address the situation of a rude teenager  attending the family Christmas celebration, where gifts will be given to all of the children? &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="17759" LastEditorUserId="455" LastEditDate="2018-12-18T15:43:54.330" LastActivityDate="2018-12-18T15:43:54.330" Title="How to address a rude teenager at family gatherings?" Tags="&lt;family&gt;&lt;children&gt;&lt;holidays&gt;" AnswerCount="0" CommentCount="9" ClosedDate="2018-12-18T16:23:53.717" ContentLicense="CC BY-SA 4.0" />
  <row Id="20366" PostTypeId="1" CreationDate="2018-12-18T18:58:37.930" Score="0" ViewCount="751" Body="&lt;h2&gt;Context&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For the past few months, &lt;strong&gt;my roommates and I have been watching Jeopardy&lt;/strong&gt; when we all get home at night as a &lt;strong&gt;fun activity&lt;/strong&gt;. Whenever one of us knows an answer, they try to yell it out before the contestant does. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;Last night, a final Jeopardy question came up that I was very curious about. &lt;strong&gt;I&lt;/strong&gt; looked it up online and &lt;strong&gt;found a website with Jeopardy answers&lt;/strong&gt; from each day. However, for each day, the website supplied only answers &lt;strong&gt;to the most interesting questions&lt;/strong&gt;. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Problem&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;We threw on another game and I looked up the answers on the website that I had found. I observed as one of &lt;strong&gt;my roommates answered only and every question the website had answers&lt;/strong&gt; for. Moreover, he had his laptop right in front of him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;For every answer he supplied, &lt;strong&gt;he made it seem like&lt;/strong&gt; he was really thinking and that the response was solely due to his jeopardy acumen.&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am pretty sure he is cheating&lt;/strong&gt; and actively deceiving my other roommates and I. I have told one of my roommates and he agrees we should confront him. &lt;/p&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;h2&gt;Question&lt;/h2&gt;&#xA;&#xA;&lt;p&gt;What is the best way to tell him we don't agree with this behavior and we want him to stop without damaging our roommate relationship?&lt;/p&gt;&#xA;" OwnerUserId="23210" LastEditorDisplayName="user22642" LastEditDate="2018-12-19T13:11:29.280" LastActivi